From: cockburn@majors.enet.dec.com (Craig Cockburn)
Subject: The Vogon News Service: 06-Apr-92
Organisation: Digital Equipment Co. Ltd., Newbury, England
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 17:06:26 GMT


 ------- Forwarded mail received on 6-Apr-1992 at 10:27:01 -------

From:	DEMO2::52391::CASEE::VNS "The VOGON News Service  06-Apr-1992 1041" 
To:	VNS-Distribution
Subj:	VNS #2550  Mon  6-Apr-1992

<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

 Edition : 2550               Monday  6-Apr-1992            Circulation :  8152 

        VNS MAIN NEWS .....................................   50 Lines
        VNS VOGONBALLS ....................................   64   "
        VNS UK SPORTS REPORT ..............................  119   "


VNS MAIN NEWS:                                     [Tom Povey, VNS UK News Desk]
==============                                     [Reading, England           ]

    Here is the News at 08:00 BST on Monday 6-April-1992
    ----------------------------------------------------

    UK News
    -------
    FT-SE = 2382.5
    Exchange Rate for UK pound = $ 1.7405  = Dm 2.8360
				= Yn 232.78 = SFr 2.6014 = FFr 9.5996

    The election debate between Lab and Con remains focussed on the economy.
    The LibDem's are pushing their position on constitutional reform. The
    Green party have accused all 3 main parties of dropping the environment
    from their agenda in their fight for government.

    Britain's first private prison opens today on Humberside. It is run by
    the international security company, Group Four.

    Oxford won the Boat Race by 4 seconds in a very close race.

    Party Politics won the Grand National. The horse is stabled in Lamborne,
    near Newbury.

    European News
    -------------

    In Germany, local elections involving some 10% of the population have
    resulted in reduced support for the current government party and some
    surprising successes for two extreme right-wing parties who have been
    campaigning to reduce immigration.

    Fighting continues in the Yugoslavian republic of Bosnia-Herzegovenia,
    particularly in the capital Sarajevo dispite appeals for a cease-fire.

    The Russian parliament opened today with attacks on President Yeltsin
    and his government from former communist officials.

    World News
    ----------

    There have been protests at Iranian embassys around Europe and in New
    York following attacks by the Iranian Air Force on rebal bases in Iraq.


    {News courtesy of the BBC}


    Local Weather
    -------------

    Mild with outbreaks of rain, clearing later. High 10C/50F.

VNS VOGONBALLS:                                 [Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor]
===============                                 [Nashua, NH, USA               ]

    "FOR SALE.  4 NEWBORN NURSERY BABIES.  Very good condition.  Asking
    $10 each."

				- Classified ad in Maynard area local paper
				- from Francine Goldberg (Maynard, MA, USA)

    "It was never recorded," Boxcar Willie said on Friday.  "The only
    record of it was on a radio show."

				-  Nashua Telegraph re: Hank Williams song
				-  From Beryl Gleeson,(Nashua, NH, USA)

    "We expect the level of play to jump up a notch by a considerable
    margin." 

				- ABC sportscaster, on the WFL
				- from Mike Phipps (Hudson, MA, USA)

    "It's much softer than it would be when it gets hard."

				- The Woodwright's Shop, PBS
				- from Mike Phipps (Hudson, MA, USA)

    "I'm going into the New York primary with guns blaring."

				- US presidential candidate Bill Clinton
				- from Steve Drown (Charlotte, NC, USA)

    "According to law-enforcement officials, unidentified lawmakers
    whom they did not identify wrote checks for thousands of dollars'
    worth of stamps at the mail station, then redeemed them for cash."

					
				- Time Magazine
				- from Darryl Tremelling (Marlboro, MA, USA)

    ***   And here are the most recent Colemanballs from Private Eye,	***
    ***   thanks to Nick Hill (Paris France)				***

    "There's the Mersey crowd biting their teeth."

				- Darts Commentator, BBC2 TV

    "Can Wattana top his record break of one hundred and forty seven?"

				- Nick Owen, LWT, at a snooker match
				  [ 147 is the maximum break possible. ]

    Jimmy Hill:   "Do you think you're going to be the next Garry Lineker?"
    Alan Shearer: "No, I think I'm going to be the next Alan Shearer."

				- BBC

    "Mrs Thatcher would be turning in her grave if she could hear you say 
    that."

				- Jeremy Paxman, BBC2 TV

    "The US pair have completed their programme and here are their marks.  
    They are the first pair to compete and they are now in first place."

				- Brad Nessler, CBS

         *** Send VOGONballs to VORTEX::CALIPH::BINDER, not to VNS ***

VNS UK SPORTS REPORT:                             [Ken Merrick, VNS Sports Desk]
=====================                             [Valbonne, France            ]

Today - News round up, plus results from Cycling, Football and Motor Sport

 Weekend News round-up 
 =============================
     Punters looking for a topical tip for saturday's Grand National horse race
     struck lucky as Party Politics came home a 14-1 winner. In the other half
     of the spring-double, Oxford bt Cambridge in the boat-race by 1 and qrtr
     lengths.

     The German Athletics Federation have lifted their ban on Katrina Krabbe
     and two other athletes.

     In cricket, Yorkshire have finally signed an overseas player. After injury
     ruled out Craig McDermott, the county turned its attention to the highly 
     rated Indian Test batsman, Sachin Tendulker. After scoring a century in an
     exhibition match, Tendulker signed an initial one year contract with the
     county.

     Second divison Sunderland provided an FA Cup upset beating First
     division Norwich City. The other tie, between Liverpol and Portsmouth, was
     a draw. Leeds United failed to reclaim top-spot in the English first divisioon
     after crashing 4-0 at Manchester City. In Scotland, Hearts and Airdrie 
     must meet again to determine who meets Rangers in the Tennent's Cup final.

     Harlequins will meet Bath in the final of English Rugby Unions' Pilkington
     Cup.

     Williams-Reanult recorded their third 1-2 as Nigel Mansell won the
     Brazillian Grand Prix.

 Weekend Results
 =============================
 ::: CYCLING
     Tour of Flanders
     1. Jacky Durand ......... 6h 37' 19"
     2. Thomas Wegmuller ..... +      48"
     3. E. Van Hooydonck ..... +   1' 44"
     4. Maurizio Fondriest ... +   1' 44"
     5. Frans Maassen ........ +   1' 57"

     World Cup points ...

     1. Jacky Durand     50 points
        Sean Kelly       50
     3. Thomas Wegmuller 36
        Moreno Argentin  36
     5. E. Van Hooydonck 31

 ::: FOOTBALL                                 

 	 	  FA Cup Final - semi finals
        Norwich City ...... 0  Sunderland ......... 1
        Liverpool ......... 1  Portsmouth ......... 1

		  Barclays League Division 1             

	Chelsea ........... 2  West Ham United .... 1
        Coventry City ..... 0  Arsenal ............ 1
        Crystal Palace .... 2  Everton ............ 0
        Luton Town ........ 2  Wimbledon .......... 1
        Manchester City ... 4  Leeds United ....... 0
        Nottingham Forest . 0  Sheffield Wednesday. 2
        Sheffield United .. 2  Oldham Athletic .... 0
        Southampton ....... 2  Queen's Park Rangers 1
        Tottenham Hotspur . 2  Aston Villa ........ 5

		  Barclays League Division 2

        Barsnley .......... 0  Derby County ....... 3
        Bristol City ...... 2  Leicester City ..... 1
        Cambridge United .. 1  Millwall ........... 0
        Charlton Athletic . 0  Portsmouth ......... 0
        Grimsby Town ...... 0  Bristol Rovers ..... 1
        Middlesbrough ..... 1  Watford ............ 2
        Newcastle United .. 2  Tranmere Rovers .... 3
        Oxford United ..... 1  Wolves ............. 0
        Southend United ... 1  Ipswich Town ....... 2
        Swindon Town ...... 1  Port Vale .......... 0      

               Tennent's Scottish Cup semi final

        Airdrieonians ..... 0  Heart of Midlothian  0
          - replay April 14

                  B&Q Scottish Premier Division       

        Dundee United .....  2  St Johnstone ....... 1
        Dunfermline Athletic 0  Aberdeen ........... 0
        Falkirk ............ 0  Celtic ............. 3
        Hibernian .......... 0  Motherwell ......... 0

                  B&Q Scottish First Division       

        Clydebank .......... 1  Ayr United ......... 0      
        Forfar Athletic .... 1  Raith Rovers ....... 2
        Kilmarnock ......... 1  Partick Thistle .... 3
        Meadowbank Thistle . 0  Dundee ............. 0
        Montrose ........... 0  Stirling Albion .... 0
        Morton ............. 1  Hamilton Academical  1

    Pools News: Dividends good
     7 score draws - 17, 23, 25, 35, 36, 42, 52
     (Bradford, Swansea, West Brom, Gainsborough, Horwich, Dorchester, Morton)
     4 no score draws - 45, 46, 50, 51
     (Dunfermline, Hibernian, Meadowbank, Montrose)

::: MOTOR SPORT
    Brazillian Grand Prix

    1.  Nigel Mansell (Williams-Renault) ....... 1h 36'51"856
    2.  Ricardo Patrese (Williams-Renault) ...   +     29"330
    3.  Michael Schumacher (Benetton Ford) ...   +  1 lap
    4.  Jean Alesi (Ferrari) .................   +  1 lap
    5.  Ivan Capelli (Ferrari) ...............   +  1 lap
    6.  Michele Alboreto (Footwork Mugen) ....   +  1 lap
    7.  Gianni Morbidelli (Minardi Lamborghini). +  2 laps
    8.  J J Lehto (Dallara Ferrari) ..........   +  2 laps
    9.  Ukto Katayama (Venturi Lamborghini) ..   +  3 laps
   10.  Mika Hakkinen (Lotus Ford) ...........   +  4 laps


<><><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 2550      Monday  6-Apr-1992   <><><><><><><><>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Craig Cockburn, Digital Equipment Co. Ltd, Newbury, England.  
  ARPAnet: cockburn@majors.enet.dec.com                            Saor
  UUCP:..!decwrl!majors.enet.dec.com!cockburn                      Alba!

  Views here are my own, and are not necessarily those of Digital