From: M18611@MBVM.Mitre.Org (Kathy Wilk)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: extra 9-year-old
Date: 31 Mar 92 17:30:48 GMT
Article-I.D.: MBVM.167BBB003.M18611
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford MA 01730

In article <1992Mar31.071757.20959@pasteur.Berkeley.EDU>
ginger@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Ginger Ogle) writes:
 
>The problem is that Louis is not a pleasant child.
>...
>   ...
>I know that he's lonely, that he needs someone to be kind to him and pay
>attention to him...
>Just before the Xmas holidays, I told Louis I thought he should not
>come over anymore because my boys were not "getting along" with him.
>He seemed so sad ...
>
  You acknowledge that he is lonely.  You know (you think you know and
you probably are right) what he needs.  Why then, is your response to
add to his problems by telling him that your boys are not getting along
with him?  I don't mean to flame (I think a lot of parents respond the
way you did) but if you read your own post, you would see that it looks
like your response is hurtful to an already - hurt child.
 
>I've considered talking to his teacher, but I think she would mention
>it to his mother, and it would appear I'm criticizing her parenting.
>Louis's mother does sometimes get involved in school activities, so
>she isn't disinterested, but his home situation is not likely to
>change whatever I do.
>
>So, should I bite the bullet and continue being a morning mommy for
>Louis while disregarding my own kids' anxiety?
 
  No one is telling you to disregard your kids' anxiety.  In fact, the
next question is: have you involved your own kids, by talking to them and
discussing this as honestly as you have on the net?  You seem to be sitting
back and pushing the problem away.  The problem in this case is a child.
  You don't want to criticize the boy's mother.  Fair enough.  But your
discussion and CONCERN for a child's problem does not have to be criticism
and it just might make some change in his homelife.  Perhaps his mother is
sleeping because she works a night shift and is just exhausted.  She cares
enough to have him call her so she deserves credit for that.
 
  When my brother and I were kids, there was a neighbor who was divorced and
raising her two boys and one girl alone.  They were really pretty wild and
just continued to get wilder; the woman was just surviving, the only working
mother on the block.  My mom was in the same situation but not admitting her
status; that's another story.  But she took the same attitude that other
neighbors did:  she wanted those evil XXXX kids to stay away from her kids.
Mrs. XXXX was always mentioned in the nicest (condescending, in my memory)
way, but those XXXX kids!
  My brother and I recognized that the XXXX kids were wild, fatherless,
and yes, into SINNING by saying bad words, etc.  Even headed for reform
school.  But many years later, we surprised each other by agreeing in our
condemnation of the parents who truly scorned these kids.  And yes, we
vociferously condemned our own mother.  She was sure shocked.  But as adults,
we remember that they were just kids and didn't deserve that shunning scorn.
  I think you know the best thing is to continue to be the good influence.
And you may just have too reticent a nature to want to use straight-forward
terms about what is happening.  ('Louis, it is not that my kids don't get
along with you.... sometimes, Louis, your behavior is just obnoxious.  Did
you know that people want to stay away from you when you act like this?')
But Louis will eventually recognize if you keep him in your life (he's a neigh-
bor, after all.  Unless they move, he will always be there, and the problem
could worsen unless something positive happens.) that you are concerned for
him.  Kids benefit from knowing that.
                                   Good Luck,
                        K. Wilk
                        M18611@MBVM.MITRE.ORG
 
            <--********************************-->
 'Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him to the ground
  on top of me.' - Mark Twain
            <--********************************-->