From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: *spoilers*
Date: 31 Dec 1992 21:52:48 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


*spoilers -- uh, suicidal thoughts?  (in the past)*
*spoilers -- maybe end up some detail about abuse -- not sure*



okay.
we had bad night.
don't know how say.  want share.  no know how.
ramble.  sorry, but ramble only way say now.

new person.  new inside person.  The Shell (maybe the Claw)  we tried create
her when we little.  She strong.  She can hide.  And not give herself away
when hear people look for her.  not let rest of us 'react emotionally to 
friends emotions.  keep our extression neutral or angry.  she not let us
kill self.  she tell us 'member other plan -- alternate, instead of.   run
away.  in car.  don't tell anybody where are  were going do.  but friends
needed car.  and had to get by friends first.

friend sit with us.  wouldn't go away.  nice friend.  wouldn't go away.
like that.  friend sit with us, we glare at her, won't say nothing.  The Shell
do that.  we feel bad, we hammer at shell, try get out, try say 'sorry sorry'
Shell not let us.  we just glare.  not say anything.  friend upset, worried.
worried about us.  we not say anything.  she go away, we hide in closet/
attic thing. we not scared in there.  not let friend in.  she try open, we
hold doorknob.  friend still not go away, sit in room with book and say she
stay there.  she do.  

we in attic thing.  we think something about grandma' attic thing.  weird we
not scared.  The Shell doesn't get scared!!!! we like that.  we finally break
down shelll.  cause not 'nough room in attic thing lay down.  Shell talk
friend.  then let us out, shell break down, she needs not say anytying keep
in control.  she needs us -- we have all want her to take over, but then
she has lots control, we like her, she took care of us even thought she
was kind of mean and we were't scared when she was there.

she's cold though, and friends all upset.  we not okay then.  we want die,
we think about what kinds ways kill self.  but not want hurt, and don't like
be sick, so we run away instead, but friends need car, so we wait & then 
run away but not have to anymore.

something about grandmas house.  keep describing it, something happened there
don't know what.  Protector letting us know a little more, we write family
maybe they tell us something thathelp us remember.  we don't know.

we mean to friends.  somebody say we just like Aunt Diane.  but we not.  
maybe she say that, but she bad & lying.  we are like us.  we maybe get
hurt, as way to hurt other people.  we tool.  we don't know.  we don't like.
we scared talk now.

big Christina scared, too many multiples, too many things, too scared, she
silly, she make us nervious, but we like her, she helps us too, but is hard
'cause she gets scared jsut by who and what we are and what friends are and
that is hard becase she s part of us and we need her.  and we not want upset
friends, we like friends, even though we scared them (of them) because we
scared of having friends, being close anyway, because we bad.  like aunt
diane.  we look like her.  and sandy.  we look like them.  just like.  we
skinnier and talller.  that it.  and eyes have green in them and they are 
brown eyes.  but we look like them.  we don't like that, we don't we don't.

they might be bad they do bad things, we not know even idea what kind bad
things, but know they do bad things we sorry we scared, not know if put rigjt
spoiler but I'm too little ans care dnad unsure to change it sorry sorry sorry.

we not bad?
we not like them, we little, and we don't hurt people!
but we did.  but not like them.,
we say we bad, we hurt people, maybe that feeling we bad deep inside is
true, everybody says not true, but then we hurt people on PURPORSE amnd we
ENJOY it (in a sort of twisted and self hating way) but then friend ask us
if we do things like rape people.  and we say NNNNOOOOOOOOOO we never do that.

we say some mean things.  and we mean to somebody's little when we knew was
little and easier hurt than big, but we say anyway, part to hurt self, cause
we mad at self, feel disgsted with self when we hurt friends peoples.  we
sorry.

maybe we shouldn't have friends.  because we are bad and we hurt them, and
don't say we don't hurt them because we do, if we are going to have way to 
know we aren't bad people & to know that it is good to open to people and
ahve friends, you have to admit that sometimes 	WE ARE GOING TO HURT PEOPLE.
and sometimes we are going to do it on purpose.  we have to accept that.  you
know?

we scared ofa ttic place.  we scared that house.  we scared we like them.
we sorry, we want write more but can't tired, scared.
 
bi bi asar people.  we are still here.  we aren't dead, we aren't even gone.
ew still here.  want be gone a little.

but you know what?  the friends keep not going away!  We keep expecting them
to.  And we keep doing more and more things calculated to upset them and
maybe make them think we aren't good person to be friends with but they keep
not going away!  But everybody before went away.  but we tried to make them.
and we still try to make them, but we know we do and we talk about it a little
at least.

last night when the Claw/Shell people (Claw maybe somebody different from
Shell, but got created same way) was not saying anything no matter what people
said us we thinking "Friend knows that silence is our weapon of choice.  So
she probably understands, at least a little."

we sorry everybody.
we sorry other people got hurt.
we sorry we got hurt.
people shouldn't hurt other people.
but sometimes those people that do bad things -- they aren't all bad people.
and they do good things too.  you know?
and you have to pay attention to both.  and see what is more important to you.
people aren't either bad or good.

abusers/non-supporters VS survivors/supporters

we don't like that thing we wrote up there.  scary.  bad way classify people
somebody say.  okay say abuser is bad, espceially individually to person who
still not be able to believe s/he not bad & abuser good -- but we don't like
that catagorization, makes us too scared that maybe we really are bad 
because we have hurt people sometimes and we don't think we really are bad.

so there.

we confused about this stuff and somebody say shouldn't bring kinda political
stuff on asar.  goddess, big Christina must really be waking up.  she's the
more political one.

might be 'cause of new person meet -- who Big Christina attracted to cause of
political things -- and scared of 'cause of multiplicity things and so she's
whirling around and nervous and confused and upset and we love her, cause shes
really neat and part of us and helps and does visibility things and we real
tired, should go sleep.

night night.

us peoples.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au    (prefered address)

an1308@anon.penet.fi
anon-1410@twwells.com


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