From: emstewar@unix.amherst.edu (EMILY MAUREEN STEWART)
Subject: The Definitive Lumberjack Song!
Organization: Amherst College
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL7]
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 23:55:49 GMT

"Monty Python's Flying Circus"
Episode Nine: The Ant, an Introduction
"The Lumberjack Song"

BARBER: I didn't want to be a barber anyway.  I wanted to be a lumberjack.
Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British 
Columbia...(HE IS GRADUALLY STRAIGHTENING UP WITH A VISIONARY GLEAM IN HIS 
EYES)  The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine. (HE TEARS
OFF HIS BARBER'S JACKET, TO REVEAL TARTAN SHIRT AND LUMBERJACK TROUSERS UNDER-
NEATH; AS HE SPEAKS THE LIGHT DIMS BEHIND HIM AND A CHORUS OF MOUNTIES IS HEARD
IN THE DISTANCE)  The smell of fresh-cut timber!  The crash of mighty trees!
(MOVES TO STAND IN FRONT OF BACK-DROP OF CAHADIAN MOUNTAINS AND FORESTS)  With
my best girlie by my side...(A FRAIL ADORING BLOND, THE HEROINE OF MANY A 
MOUNTAINS FILM, OR PERHAPS THE REBEL MAID, RUSHES TO HIS SIDE AND LOOKS ADOR-
INGLY INTO HIS EYES) We'd sing...sing...sing.

BARBER: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES CHOIR: He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES CHOIR: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping,
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wildflowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES CHOIR: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wildflowers.
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in bars...?
(DURING THE LAST VERSE THE CHOIR HAS STARTED TO LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE BUT THEY
BRIGHTEN UP AS THEY GO INTO THE CHORUS.)
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER: I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Mama.

MOUTIES CHOIR: (STARTING LUSTILY AS USUAL BUT TRAILING OFF AS THEY GET TO THE
THIRD LINE)
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
(SPOKEN RATHER THAN SUNG) Suspenders...and a bra?...
(THEY ALL MUMBLE.  MUSIC RUNS DOWN.  THE GIRL LOOKS HORRIFIED AND BURSTS INTO 
TEARS.  THE CHOIR START THROWING ROTTEN FRUIT AT HIM.)

GIRL: Oh Bevis!  And I thought you were so rugged.

(CUT TO A HANDWRITTEN LETTER.)

VOICE OVER: Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about
the song which you have just broadcast, about the lumberjack who wears women's
clothes.  Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are
transvestites.  Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs).
PS I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.

----------
Use it in good health!

|\__|V|__/|  Emily Stewart
|   |v|   |  emstewart@amherst.edu
|  _ V _  |  -------
 \ \| |/ /   "Reality is a collective hunch."
|\ \   / /|                       --Lily Tomlin
|__\ V /__