From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Subject: Re: first posting
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division (SSD), Intel
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 19:11:36 GMT

In article <By0r13.35F@twwells.com> anon-1422@twwells.com (Adrift) writes:
>I'm not an SA survivor myself, although I did suffer some physical
>abuse from my stepfather and a degree of emotional neglect from my
>mother.  My wife is however an SA survivor, and I just don't know
>how much longer I can stay.
>
>I don't know if the following is a spoiler, but I'll play it safe:
>
>
>We've been married for 9 years and have 3 children, a boy from her 1st
>marriage, and a boy and a girl from ours.  Our marriage seemed fine
>for the first 3-4 years (I'm speaking from my perspective, and as
>much as I know from hers).  She had an affair about 3 years ago, we
>talked it out and decided to try to work things out, so we began
>counselling.  It soon became apparent that most of our problems came
>from baggage she was carrying, so she attends weekly sessions and I
>go in for a separate monthly session.
>
>She does not have many direct memories, but she looks at me and sees
>[someone who might be an as yet unremembered abuser].  Nearly 2 years
>ago, she stopped having sex with me for that reason (and the preceding
>year we only had sex about 3 times).  About a year and a half ago she
>suggested an open marriage - she could see who she wanted, and I could
>do the same.  I declined at the time, because I thought she might have
>been trying to simply exchange that for the affair she had.  She repeated
>the suggestion a little over a year ago, and convinced me she was
>sincere.  I've accepted it, with some feeling of guilt because I had
>begun to flirt with other women, although not with any real intent of
>letting it go further.  It's not a very satisfying solution - I won't
>mess up someone else's marriage by going after a married woman, and
>not too many single women are interested in a married man, even if
>they're willing to find out what the situation is.  I can't even
>hug my wife, I can hardly even touch her.  If I brush up against her
>in my sleep, she goes downstairs and sleeps on the couch.  I feel
>lonely and frustrated.  It's not even that she's sexually shut off -
>she tells me about men she feels turned on by (and I tell her about
>women I'm interested in).  It's all very open and civil, but sometimes
>it really hurts.  I keep letting her know that I still want her, and
>want the marriage to work, but she says she doesn't really believe she'll
>ever be able to have a sexual relationship with me.  On the other hand,
>neither of us wants to end the marriage, particularly for the kids' sake.
>The cynical side of me thinks she's only staying because she doesn't
>make enough money to support herself, and as soon as she gets a better
>job or someone else to take care of her, she'll be history.
>
>I've tried to be as supportive as I can through all this, but lately
>I hurt all the time.  I'm almost in tears right now, and I'm not
>someone who can cry easily.  I don't know what I'm looking for,
>advice or a sympathetic ear (eye?), or maybe even just someone else
>who's in a similar situation to tell me I'm not alone in this.
>
>Thanks for "listening".
>
>
>
>--
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Hello Adrift.  Welcome to asar, I hope you can find the kind of support you
need here.  YOur post really touched me.  The description of your relation-
ship with your wife made me sad with the memory of a person I loved who did
not, and could not love me.  I was always so hurt and lonely while with this
person, but I haven't though about it in a long time.  I feel hurt remembering
her...
	Thanks for posting, now maybe I can begin to look for a resolution of
this long-dead relationship.  Email me if you want.


Peace,
Peter
-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Warton (The h was dropped     | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago)		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery