From: judy@locus.com (Judy Tryer)
Subject: Re: Helping a sensitive child
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 93 19:48:31 GMT

In article <1993Jan20.050109.22143@cs.mun.ca> jamie@garfield.cs.mun.ca (Jamie Cashin) writes:
>elahe@watson.ibm.com (Elahe Khorasani) writes:
>
>>is there any way I can help him overcome his sensitivity, and loosen up
>>a bit?

>Please don't take away his sensitivity!  This world is full of insensitive
>males now as it is!  He might grow up to be a great parent, or a psychiatrist,
>or just a friend.  His sensitivity should be channeled, not overcome.
>

"Sensitive" is one of those horrible words in the English language that in
almost any other language would be at least two words.  The reason being
that there is the positive kind of sensitivity where one is aware of other
people, their feelings, body language, etc. and therefore treats other people
with respect.  And then the sensitive boy that I THINK is being described here,
who reacts strongly and emotionally in what appears to be out of proportion to
the incident.

I think this mother wants a child who is sensitive to others, but not so 
sensitive with regard to himself.  And I hope the way to help this come about
(I have a similar child, and WAS one) is to focus the child how to resolve the
personal upsets so he can see beyond himself and be sensitive to others.  So,
for purposes of this discussion, I will use the term "emotional" to describe
what the previous poster described as "sensitive".

I am an emotional being.  I love emotions.  All emotions.  And that is hard
because our society doesn't condone emotions very well.  We have thousands
of years of literature and religious practices all aimed at "keeping an even
keel".  People meditate and medicate themselves into this non-emotional 
state.  My favorite phrase from these studies was someone who said we must
learn to become "affectionately detached".  This is not possible for the 
emotiotional personality.  In fact, it seems a whole lot like death.

A child who suffers because a playmate was punished is an emotional child.  
Maybe the child wanted to be sad and feel around inside the emotion.  But a
typical adult response to an upset child is "don't feel bad".  We want them
to stop crying, stop hurting, be happy because we are more comfortable.  So,
in this case, both Mom and the teacher are looking for a way to 
desensitize "Johnny" so he won't feel bad.  After all, there is no logical
reason for Johnny to feel bad when it is Timmy who is in trouble.

For any parents out there who have very emotional children, my recommendation is
not to suppress the emotion, but to get in there with your child and wallow
a while.  Really.  It's fun.  Johnny is upset because Timmy got yelled at 
at school.  Okay, so snuggle up in each other's laps and feel what Timmy
must have felt.  Talk about it.  What do you think Timmy felt like?  How do
you feel.  Does this feel bad?  Etc.  After a nice snuggle and a good cry, 
you may just discover what your child is discovering.  Feeling bad can feel
really good.  

And, in this process, you will discover some wonderful things about emotions.
Like there are lots of shades, hues, and nuances to sadness.  That 
"bittersweet" is one of the most fulfilling emotions (I found this rocking my
newborn after the death of my Mom).  Of course, the danger is that once you
get comfortable with your emotions and actually learn to enjoy them, you may
not be able to live in our "even keel" society without an intense desire to
kick things up a bit.  But, then again, I believe tears belong in the work
place and try to live up to that motto whenever appropriate.  Last week was
a good example.
-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake