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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Thu, 13 Aug 1992 14:03:00 +1000
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         LNCJB@CC.NEWCASTLE.EDU.AU
Subject:      Re: Pixies
X-To:         AUTISM%SJUVM.BITNET@pucc.Princeton.EDU

Ray,

Yes, the 'pixie analogy' has proved to be constructive in fostering self
-esteem within my family. Chris told me the other night that he had always
considered my behaviour in encouraging the 'pixie idea' pretty childish on
my part and thought I was acting very immaturely with Helen. So then I asked
him how he had felt when I used to play these games with him. He said he
loved them when he was little and it made him feel 'very special' and then
the light dawned. I think he might think twice in future before he prejudges
my behaviour as immature. :-)

I've heard it said that having a 'handicapped' child will either 'make or
break' a marriage and I think it is probably true. Having Helen has definitely
brought Kevin and I closer together than we would otherwise have been. Before
she came along we both maintained a distance between us that allowed us our
personal freedom with no risk of 'getting on each other's nerves' - we enjoyed
each other's company but we never shared our feelings. Then I found out I
was pregnant, by his first reaction "I'm 42...I've already raised my family..
I don't want to have to do it over again" to which I replied "That's alright
...you don't have to! I've already proved that I'm more than capable of
raising children on my own. You are free to go now, but if you stay you are
here for the duration. I'm not going to have you taking off because the
responsibility gets too great after a few years causing MY child to suffer."
"MY CHILD? It's OUR CHILD! I'm staying....just to make sure you raise HER
right, but she will be a Donaldson not a Baird". When I asked him why he was
so confident that it was a girl, with an evil grin he replied "I've always
been known to give women what they want!" Well, he did that all right for
me and our daughter. :-)

The only problem with getting as close as we are now is that we often do also
'get on each other nerves' and have the occasional argument, but I accept
that as just one small part of the relationship. Helen is the focal point of
both our lives and although I can't admit that Kevin and I 'think' alike
in normal situations, when it comes to Helen we are in total agreement.

Alcoholism was a factor in my sisters' divorces, but my problem was more one
of 'mental cruelty'.....physical cruelty also raised its ugly head immediately
following the separation. My ex-husband was an habitual liar. He actually got
me to the point where I wasn't believing my own senses. He deliberately told
me things that others were supposed to have said about me that was hurtful
and humiliating. He hid the invitation to my sister's kitchen tea and then
constantly reminded me that my sister didn't think much of me not to have
invited me - I found the invitation four years later. Things were very bad
between us but I doubt that even that would have urged me into making the
break. What finally did it after 9 years was when he started getting physically
violent with the children - I grabbed the kids and ran and haven't looked back
since.

>   It's a shame about your father, unfortunatly some people feel that
>once they make a decision they can't change it.  I don't know how he could
>stand it, it seems odd that somebody could just break contact like that.

My father and I have not really been close since my teenage years. My
idiosyncracies (autistic tendencies) as a child were never understood by
him. He regards me as living in a dream world and of having a 'wishy washy'
brain.....I have no doubt he loves me, but I wish I could get through to
him that I actually have 'grown up' and that I am no longer the 'weird'
child he remembers - I'm a 'weird' adult now. :-) The problems between my
father and myself really erupted over my divorce. My ex-husband got to him
first, and gave him his side of the story. When I tried to explain things to
my father he just couldn't accept my side of it. He told me to go back and
try harder....he told me I must have imagined it all - Bob told him that I
had had a nervous breakdown. I had too much to contend with at the time to
bother about trying to convince him otherwise. My stepmother has been
instrumental in keeping us apart since that time. Dad doesn't like using the
phone so my stepmother always used to ring me to find out what was happening.
It wasn't until the last couple of years that I found out that what he had
been hearing from her about me was a totally misinterpreted version of what I
had said. For instance when I returned to University to obtain my degree, in
an effort to attempt to do something for the 'Helens' of this world, my
father told me that I was wasting my time; that books had already addled my
brains enough and that I should go and dig in my garden instead. He didn't
know that I had already spent enough years 'digging in my garden' and now
was ready to get off my butt and start to 'plant flowers in that garden'.

I suspect that my sisters know where he is. They probably even have his
address and a phone call is all it would take for me to find out, but I
am very obstinate, afterall the last words he said to me was that he would
write and let me know where he was as soon as they got settled......I'm
still waiting for a sign .... after ringing my sister in Western Australia on
her birthday and being told by a slightly familiar voice that didn't identify
itself, that she was at work and after obtaining that number, ringing my
sister at work and finding out that my father and stepmother were staying at
her house (yes, it was my stepmother that had answered the phone...and she
knew it was me) - two months after my last contact with them when they left
here leaving no forwarding address, I think I'm going to have to wait quite a
while. I wouldn't be surprised if my stepmother had told my father that she
had already written to me, and now is accusing me of being the neglectful one..
...that would be par for the course.

At least my father (when he is around) is loving towards Helen. At his 80th
birthday party last year, he did something that really warmed my heart.
When we arrived, Helen ran up to him calling out "Granpatha, Granpatha" -
my stepmother started to correct her pronunciation, but Dad stopped her by
saying "Don't! That's Helen's special name for me and I love it. I don't
want her to call me anything else." After giving Helen a big cuddle he took
her on his knee and talked to her for ages, ignoring every one else around him.
Remembering that, I guess I had better ring my sisters and find out his
address.

Carolyn
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