From: glenne@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Neuromancer )
Newsgroups: soc.religion.quaker
Subject: Re: Defining quaker
Date: 11 Nov 1992 19:13:59 GMT
Organization: Computing Services Division, University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.7.4

andyrose@netcom.com (San Francisco Fractal Factory) writes:
 
>I've noticed the pressing need to speak passes when not
>answered (sometimes).  Yep, sometimes you're off the
>hook.  Then there are those times when you just aren't off
>the hook.  Perhaps you've _supressed_ a leading to
>speak, and you got over it, but it comes right back.
>And it keeps coming back until you do something about it.
 
I'm not sure the trembling I have experienced is quite the same
as what has been described for Quaker trembling.  It seems to
start out the same, I feel compelled to say something and start
to tremble, and then while I am saying it, I do feel a great
power and release.  But there is a difference with what I
experience and what has been described.  After I say what needed
to be said, I will still feel trembly, sort of overwhelmed.  When
I spoke deeply from the heart more than once or twice during a
service, at the Mennonite church I had been attending regularly,
I remained quite jumpy for a while.
 
I just think that by letting down my defenses and laying bare my
soul, that this in itself just makes me jumpy.  But I tend to be
real open anyway, so I really don't have much in defenses to let
down.  It really doesn't make much sense to me at all why I tremble
during these situations.
 
>I can confirm the peaceful sensation but not the tingling
>or the waves.  Perhaps I need some sensitivity training.
 
>I can definitely confirm trembling.
 
You know, the funny part is that I have never had any sensitivity
training, or have had any training in meditation.  I doubt that
what I do is even meditating.  I just sit and let go.  I don't even
take spirituality seriously.  It is a very unimportant part of my
life, that I spend almost zero time on.  Sure I have felt the effects
of spirituality, but what's the point?  I figure if I treat people
decently (don't hurt or coerce them) that that's what counts.  These
tingling sensations and and pleasure waves that I feel, sure they're
enjoyable, but they really don't serve much of a purpose.
 
I tend to similarly blow off my conscience.   My conscience has
made it clear to me the direction I should be headed, but it seems
to expect WAY too much out of me.  Sell all my posessions, and give
the proceeds to the poor?  What good does that do them when what I have
given them is gone?  Why not just live my comfortable life, and work
towards developing technology that will never run out, and always help
meet other people's needs?  (I do not use active violence to defend my
property, yet having posessions that the government will use physical
violence to maintain is a passive form of physical violence.  Also
having posessions is a passive economic violence against those in
need.)
 
Get close to other people?  Nah, they bore me, and when they don't
bore me, there is just a lot of pain.  Other people waste my time
that I could have spent on developing technology for them. <-sarcasm
I've gotten to the point where I pretty much ignore my conscience.
But somewhere, deep down, I know that the world has plenty of
technology,  and not nearly enough direct love, caring, and compassion.
I'm just not the guy for the job.  There's lots of other people who
can really get close to people.  Let them do it. ;) I don't really
surpress my conscience, I just kind of blow it off.  It can be a
real pain in the backside though sometimes.
 
For me this direct love is the essence of Christ, you might call
it something else.  It is purpose.  I used to live this essence.
(Boy the waves passing over me right now are strong.)  But now
this essence is no longer a part of me.  It scares me.  I lose
myself in it.  I lose control.  So now, whenever I feel myself
getting close to someone, I withdraw.  I run.  I hide.  And yet
I feel such a deep need for that essence.  My emotions seem to
be way too strong, too intense.  By keeping distance from other
people, I don't have to worry about my emotions hurting other
people.  That is why my girlfriend is perfect for me.  Her
emotions are mild.  She is an emotion avoider.  I am safe from
myself around her.  She enables me to be calm and dettached from
everyone else.   Good or bad, it alows me to stay sane.
 
Well thanks for putting up with my emotional life.  It was good
to get that all off my chest.
 
Glenn                                  glenne@csd4.csd.uwm.edu