From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: *HELP* i'm losing my mind
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 03:16:02 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


well, so much for my good news.......back to the same ol same ol.

Sunday night i wasn't doing very well....really shitty actually.

*****SPOILER general stupidity and self-destructive behavior********





i  was planing to go see a show here in Pittsburgh....but before i went
i got a call froma friend (another survivor) who said she had been
having a hard weekend, coping and all..but that she was so glad her
boyfriend had been there for her. i said great, i was glad he was there
also(and i ment it) i said the usual well if you need me..give a
call..whenever ok?
and then got off teh phone and went to the show.

well in the middle of the 2nd act i almost completyely lost it. they
were singing a bunch of stuff from Phantom you know, about being all
alone and all that shit and it was just too much for me.

i was already feeling real unimportant and unwanted and such....i had
such a hard time finding a ride to the theater....like i was imposing on
everyone....beside who the fuck am i  to these people? just some awkward
kid who kind of hangs around, geting in the way. When i finally got a
ride it was like i wasn't even there. i sat ing the back and the people
up front carried on like i wasn't even there. I could have been
invisible. We got there late and of course the comp ticket i got is away
from everyone i know..and i had to sit by myself...no one on either side
of me...it was like i was in isolation or something!

i can normlly handle this, after all i've been by myself all the time
since i was a little kid. i just kind of hoped that i'd actually have
friends at some point in my life.....guess i was wrong. Obviously i
couldn't handle it this time.

i was sick of feeling invisible....i felt like i was disappearing from
of the planet....like it didn't matter if i lived or died. No one was
talking to me. people barely acknowledged me unless i said something
first. All i wanted to do was go home and cry.

i went home and locked myself in my room, shut off all the lights and
just sat and rocked in the middle if my room, playing wiht my lighter.
Then my housemates left and i was all alone. i think i snapped or
something, cause next thing i knew i was in the kitchen laying with the
sharpest knie i could find, running it across my arm. i realized what i
was doing, but i kept doing it..harder and harder until i finally cut
hard enought to draw blood.

i saw myself bleeding and it was the most incredible feeling...i knew i
was really there, i knew that i was controling this..i got more and more
excited and kept doing it, watching myself bleed...........then i
stopped.
i was sooo scared...it was like i had lost complete control and was
doing stuff without realizing it.

i was crying adn then trying to call people because i havn't played with
knives in years....and i was soo scared. Of course noone was home. the
one person who was home said they were on the phone and all i could do
was mumble something about nevermind, it wasn't important anyhow.

IT WASN"T IMPORTANT?????? how thw fucking hell could i say that...i was
sitting there bleeding all over myself and i said it wasn't important??

anyway my housemates came home ,so i put on a longsleved sweater and
left so they wouldn't see it.....i wandered around but of course i ran
into someone i know..by this time i was so freaked out all i could do
was run away and say i wasn't fine ...he chased me and wanted to know
what was wrong so i showed him my arm and yelled that's what....let me
go.

After a bit of why'd you do it?
i don't know..let me alone
talk to me 
i can't.. let me go Please..i'm alone let me be that way
no you aren't GOD wants you to..
Don't say anything to me..i'm not in the mood and i'll be rude lemme go!

so he let me go and i ran away to my friends house.....he used to do
this and he tried to explain why i might have done it.

All i know is i can't cope much more....i had a HUGE migrane all day
today and i thought i was gonna throw up..
i havn't been eating much and i've been purging what i do eat..it all
makes sence but i know i'm hurting myself..but i can't stop

why is this happening to me?
i don't want to play anymore, i don't like this

i'm so sad


good thing is..i have my work..so i can run away from it all for a
little while every day. i don't know what i'd do without it. the show
goes up a week from today...Monday.



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for a help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery