From: jef@netcom.com (Jef Poskanzer)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.santaism
Subject: Santa Manual
Date: 14 Dec 92 21:39:30 GMT
Organization: Founder, First Chirch of Santaism

[from the "Santa Manual" distributed by Western Temporary Services,
providers of 3000 Santas to department stores and malls nationwide]

Santa Do's:

    - Santa should watch parents for signals.  Santa should never promise
    anything.

    - Santa should always speak of himself as "Santa" or "Santa Claus";
    Santa should never say "I".

    - Santa should use the "Santa lift" to pick up children (Santa extends
    leg; the child stands between Santa's knees and sits on the extended
    leg; Santa pulls leg back to sitting position).  This avoids quick
    movements ans saves Santa's back.

    - Santa should use the term "folks" when referring to family, because
    of all the non-traditional families that exist.


Santa Don'ts:

    - Santa should omit the loud, booming "Ho ho ho's", because they often
    frighten small children.

    - Santa should avoid short, jerky, nervous movements.

    - Santa should never show his mood.  Santa must forget things that
    upset him, because children will pick up on his mood.

    - Santa should never be out of character when he is in costume.

    - Santa should avoid references to the religious aspects of Christmas.
    Religion is a personal matter; don't run the risk of offending parents
    or confusing children.  Stick to the universal aspects of Christmas.


Sometimes children will ask Santa difficult questions.  Santa needs to
be prepared to answer them in ways that won't put the child's folks in
a difficult situation or cause any damage to Santa's image.  The
following are some of the questions that Santa might be asked, followed
by acceptable.

    Question: Santa, I just saw you at another store.

    Answer: That was one of my Helpers.  You know, Santa needs Helpers.

    [Real Answer: That's right, I can travel faster than light and move back
    and forth through Time.]


    Question: Why didn't you bring me what I asked you for last year?

    Answer: I was at the North Pole last year, and it must have been one of
    my Helpers who saw you.  I'll try to get the matter straightened out
    this year.

    [Real Answer: Because you were bad.]


    Question: Santa, can you bring me a baby brother?

    Answer: OK, my fine young lady, you want a baby brother.  Well, that's
    clear out of my department.  I bring gifts.  You'll have to talk to
    your folks about a baby brother.

    [Real Answer: Come back and see me in a few years and I'll give you your
    own baby.]


    Question: I want a horse for Christmas.

    Answer: You like horses, don't you?  Is there anything else you would
    like for Christmas?

    [Real Answer: Tell you what, put on these spurs and you can ride me like
    a horse any time you want to.]


It is absolutely necessary that Santa be neat and clean in appearance.
For this reason, we ask you, as responsible adults, to bathe every day,
to use a good deodorant and to use mouthwash.  Smoking is not
permitted, as children will smell smoke on your breath.  Also, the
beard is flammable.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.santaism