From: sel@ghostwheel.colorado.edu (Susan Lynds)
Subject: Re: Here we go...
Organization: NOAA Climate Research Division
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 19:41:19 GMT

Hi everyone.  

I've been a lurker on ash for most of the last year, 
and have drawn a lot of comfort and reality-checking
from your company.  Dave's death got me thinking about
why this group is important to me, and the following
essay was the result.  A couple of local ash-readers 
suggested I post it.  It's an embarrassingly
long first post to this group, so you are forewarned
by this ^L.  Just an offering as MHO....

***LONG POST WARNING*****


We've lost a net companion, a kindred spirit.

We who consider suicide a valid option, a decent choice,
a sometimes-appropriate alternative, *are* a breed apart.
Those who cannot relate to our beliefs will very likely
never understand our varied perspectives.  

Each day (or minute) I acknowledge the choice is mine
to live or die.  And with each choice to forgo suicide,
I am consciously choosing to live....  I decide to
face life a little longer, to risk more of the pain in
hope of finding the joys.   Those of us who make
this decision may live a little more deliberately
than those for whom life is simply the *default*.  And
by considering death to be an option, we elevate life
to something chosen, minute-to-minute, rather than
something that just "happens" to us.  

Reading ash, we face realities which most people avoid;
we find kindred spirits, who acknowledge the tremendous
pain involved in living, and support us in our right to
terminate the agony if it becomes unendurable.  We 
realize our outlook--and our decision to make the most 
basic of choices if it comes to that--is very difficult
for others to accept, much less sympathize with.  But
connecting with each other on ash, we can at least find
non-condemning acknowledgement of our most fundamental
liberty.  And in the knowledge of this companionship,
some of us find comfort and humor to face another day.

Many folks would accept a final exit as a worthwhile option
to prolonged physical agony in a loved one.  "At least they
are out of pain" and "now they can rest" are common attitudes
towards physical death as an end to physical pain.  They have
a far different attitude about death as an end to emotional,
mental, or spiritual agony.  There is a prevailing belief that
these tortures are somehow less *real* and therefore less 
*valid* than physical suffering.  Often, the _hidden_ tortures
will eventually manifest physically, and then it becomes *ok*
to die and end the pain.  We smoke, overeat, stop eating, drink,
and medicate ourselves, both to muffle our pain and to hurry
our exit. 

Of course, there *are* those who believe that even in profound 
physical pain, we *should* fight to live on; that we are weak 
and evil to not battle for every moment of life.  People are often 
inspired by the terminally ill who fight to live and make the most 
out of every second they have, even while in constant agony.  
We find them noble and admirable.  Those who give up are sympathized 
with, and excused for departure because of the weight of their trials.  

Conversely, our culture generally does not excuse those who depart 
from the torment of the soul.  We also do not appreciate the courage
of those who face the often-invisible tortures of mind and heart, who
nobly choose to endure another day.

Probably most of us on this group have lost friends or acquaintances 
to suicide.  Acknowledging our friends' and family's right to die 
is a very difficult thing to do.  But by giving others this freedom, 
we know ourselves to be free as well.  Free to choose. 

Allowing others personal freedom is extremely difficult--freedom
to make decisions we don't agree with, freedom to live or die the
way they choose.  It is easy to give freedom to those whose choices
agree with our own.  We are tempted to impose our beliefs of ultimate 
truth upon others, to say they are "wrong" to do what we cannot accept.  
This judgement not only makes us "right" but invalidates their choice.
Religions, relationships, politics, even the cola we drink (or avoid)
can lead us to an egocentric intolerance that shelters our sense of
self and invalidates others.  Allowing, respecting, and acknowledging
other perspectives on reality is quite a challenge.

It is entirely too easy to judge another's pain by our own standards.
We have no way of knowing how another person experiences life, no way 
of knowing how painful their agony is.  We must trust and respect each
other enough to allow us all the freedom to judge our own condition 
and make our own decisions.  When people say, "It's not worth dying for--
With time it will all get better," it is well-intentioned but arrogant.  
No one can say what the past, present, or future holds for another's 
heart and soul.  Some pains *are* intolerable to some people.  

To face our pain, especially when that pain is in reaction to another's
exercise of freedom, is one of our greatest challenges. 

Goodbye, Dave; and if there *is* anything else, fare well and we'll 
see ya next time around.

--Susan
-- 
Susan Lynds, sel@noaacrd.colorado.edu    

Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday