From: M17257@mwvm.mitre.org
Subject: Re: parent/child relationships
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, McLean VA 22102
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 16:42:33 GMT

In article <1992Nov05.202538.899715@locus.com>
judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer) writes:
 
>
>There has been some discussion about not treating our children differently
>than we would treat other adults and I must say that this concept terrifies
>me.
>
>If my best friend consistently took my jewelry and lost it, you'd bet she
>wouldn't remain my best friend any longer.  However, my son will always be
>my son.
>
>If my husband told me I had a big butt and that he'd rather spend the night
>with someone else than home with me, I'd be in divorce court and he wouldn't
>be my husband any longer.  But my son will always be my son.
>
>Children do not treat us as other adults do.  We must tolerate far more
>impertinence, insensitivity, abuse, and sometimes down right cruelty.  And
>we must NOT abandon them when they don't behave the way we want them to.
>
>The relationship is different because it is not a peer to peer relationship.
>The relationship is different because we parents have the responsibility for
>having brought these children into this world and therefore must train them
>and stick by them.  After all, I imagine most of you wouldn't put your
>best friend or husband in a time-out or take away their cars, computers,
>TV's, and stereos either.
>
>My mother once told me that she did not have to condone my behavior but she
>would always love me.  "If you murder someone and are in jail, I will not
>condone the murder.  But I will be there every visitors day."  This is the
>moral obligation of a parent.  It is not the same obligation of a friend or
>a spouse.  It is far more sacred bond.  Unfortunately for the children of
>this world, there are those who do not abide by it.
>
 
I missed the orig post for this subject, but...My feeling is that the parent/
child relationship needs to be one of trust and respect--BOTH WAYS!
 
I have learned not to respect my mother, for example, based on the fact that 1)
she does not respect me, and 2) EVERYTHING she does is ok for her to do, but no
t for me to do. (ie., do as I say, not as I do)
 
This has applied from to everything from smoking, drinking to marriage, working
and where to live!  I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but I don't respect
her.  How can I be expected to respect someone who obviously doesn't respect
themselves?  She knows what she does is wrong, or a bad choice for past errs,
but that doesn't stop her from continuing to do these things.  She makes no
attempts to change.
 
I agree that the parent/child relat. is NOT the same as friend/spouse/etc., but
perhaps the orig. poster really meant--the relationship needs to be based on
mutual respect.  Keep in mind your child is a person, and every person deserves
to be treated with respect.  Every time I see a parent talking to someone and
there is a child trying to get their attention, but M/D is ignoring the child,
I get enraged.  How can anyone ignore someone so blatantly is beyond me.
 
I was at someone's house once and the mother was talking w/ me.  Middle child
(about 4yr) calmly and quietly came up and said 'Mommy?' and waited...'Mommy?'
(a little louder) and waited...'Mommy?!'(louder) and waited... I'm not sure how
many times she asked but I finally couldn't take it anymore and started to ask
her what she wanted when the mother furiously turned and shouted 'RACHEL! I'M
TALKING! WHAT do you WANT?!"  I couldn't let her go on.  I intervened and had
to say to mother that she had very calmly asked for her attention several
minutes earlier, but she had ignored her.  She did not deserve to be yelled at.
 
Mother took it well.  She knew she was wrong, and she let it go. BUT she didn't
apologize to her daughter.  Would you not apologize to a friend or spouse, if
a similar incident took place?
 
Oh well, I'll get off the soapbox now.
Ellie Blackwell