From: hulkko@kontu.cc.utu.fi
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: A Pint of Best Bitter
Date: 16 Apr 92 10:49:36 GMT
Organization: University of Turku, Finland


  A dog entered a village pub. It walked straight to the bar
  and, much to everybody's amazement, spoke.
    "A pint of best bitter, please."
    "Get out! We don't serve dogs," said the landlord.
    "Oh, come on," pleaded the dog, "I've got plenty of
  money, see, and I'll pay you twice as much as the others.
    "All right, provided that you can behave yourself."
    "I promise, just give me the pint," answered the dog.
    The landlord pulled a pint of best and gave it to the
  dog, who paid for it and gulped it down in no time at all.
  After that, the dog suddenly jumped on the bar and crapped
  on the bar towel.
    "Oy, what did you do that for?" asked the landlord very
  angrily, "I gave you the beer, didn't I!"
    "I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me," said the
  dog, "but I won't do it again. Could you give me another
  pint of best bitter, please."
    "No way, I'm not going to see my bar covered with dog
  shit. Bugger off! On your way! Shoo!"
    "No, really, I promise! I'm desperately thirsty. Please,
  just one pint and I'll be off. Look, I'll pay you ten
  times as much as the others. I need the drink."
    The landlord thought over; business wasn't too good and
  there was the mortgage and everything. Then he took the
  glass and said: "O.k., but remember not to do that again!"
    The dog got its pint, drank it at one gulp, jumped on the
  bar and shitted in one of the ashtrays.
    The landlord became furious.
    "I told you not to do that again! Now piss off and never
  come back."
    "I'm terribly, terribly sorry. Honestly, I don't know
  what came over me, but it won't happen again. I'm still
  very thirsty. Could you please give me one more pint?
  Please?!" begged the dog.
    "Didn't you hear me? Piss off, or you'll be sorry!"
    "But I'll give you a hundred quid for a pint of bitter.
  Please!!!"
    A hundred pounds was a very large amount of money at
  that time. In fact, it was more than the landlord could
  make in a month. So, he decided to give the dog one more
  pint, but just one.
    "You'll have to leave when you've finished that."
    "Oh, I will, I will," promised the dog.
    He got his pint, drank it, as before, at one gulp,
  jumped on the bar and shitted on someone's crisps.
    This time the landlord didn't say anything, he just
  became red in the face, grabbed a knife and started to
  chase the dog, who almost made it to the front door, but
  not quite. The landlord grabbed its tail and cut it off
  with his knife.
    The dog managed to escape, bleeding seriously.
    It ran to the woods but, weakened by loss of blood, it
  couldn't run for long. It crawled for a few more yards
  and then died in a ditch.

    After a while, its canine soul ascended to Heaven's gate,
  where St Peter was standing guard.
    "Hello, hello, hello. A dog." said St Peter. "A dog
  without a tail."
    "Let me in, please." said the dog.
    "Have you been a good dog?"
    "Yes, I have... Well, er, mostly."
    "But where's your tail? D'you know, I'm not allowed to
   let you in without a tail."
    The dog was obliged to tell its tale.
    "I don't know what came over me. I didn't do it on
  purpose. Basically, I'm not a bad dog. Please, let me in."
    "We have the strictest rules here. I'm afraid you must
  find your tail before you can enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
    
    Thus, the soul of the dog had to descend back to earth.
  It knew that the landlord had got its tail. Therefore, he
  went to the pub.
    But the pub was already closed. The dog was so disappointed
  that it started to howl miserably outside the pub.
    The landlord lived upstairs and was wakened by the terrible
  noise. He came to the window, opened it and looked out. And
  there it was, the howling ghost of the dog in his garden.
    "What do you want?!" shouted the landlord.
    "I can't get to Heaven without my tail," answered the dog
  very meekly, "Could you please give it back to me?"
    "I'm afraid we don't retail spirits after hours."


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  | Timo Hulkko                *  Keg Buster says:          |
  | University of Turku        *  Drink only Real Ale       |
  | Language Centre            *  and support CAMRA!        |
  | hulkko@kontu.cc.utu.fi     *  (Campaign for Real Ale)   |
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Newsgroups: rec.humor