From: phantasm@iastate.edu ()
Subject: Regarding Lauren's Valentine's Day Personal Ad...
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 19:04:38 GMT

Greetings all...

crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu (Lauren L. Crawford):

> Hi.  I'm not too young, not too old, with long blond hair.  Unless you
> prefer dark brown hair, in which case it's dark brown.  Sometimes it's
> short.  And red...

And so on...

Lauren, this is great...

If any of the rest of you thought so, you may enjoy the following, which has
been floating around the net for some time now...

What I do in my spare time:
 
  I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.
 
  I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
 
  Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from
a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets.  I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I
enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
 
 I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.  My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles.
Children trust me.
 
  I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket.  I have performed covert operations
for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
 
  I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down.  I have made extraordinary four-course meals using
only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams.  I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Sorry to use so much bandwidth... I hope some of you enjoy this...

Fortune smile on you all...

phantasm