From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: Help, I need advice...
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 92 20:46:13 GMT

In article <1e9qlfINNc8a@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> csr4@po.CWRU.Edu (Christopher S. Redding) writes:
>
>
>	I just developed a very close friendship with someone that I am
>very interested in, but there is a problem. I have already attempted to 
>become romantically involved with her, but she politely told me she liked 
>us better as friends even though she was interested herself. The reason
>why she did not want to start a relationship was because she abruptly ended
>one about 3 months ago for no specific reason, and she still has this other
>person in her heart. This other guy is dating someone, and he treats her like
>yesterday's trash, but there are sometimes when she REALLY hates him, and there
>are sometimes when she doesn't know how to feel about him. How can I persuade 
>her to put this other guy out of her mind? She will not start a relationship
>on such shaky grounds. If I can do that, how do I tell her how I feel, already
>failing once? Please send me advice, or post it here. Thanks in advance.
>				-Chris (lonlier than ever)
>				csr4@po.CWRU.Edu
>
Chris:

I am afraid there are three three hard cold 'facts' that you need to
accept:

First, there is almost nothing you can do to put the other guy out
of her mind. The fact that she is hung up on the other guy is entirely
her her problem, not his and not yours, and only she can fix it. Think
of it as an illness that has to run its course.

Second, three months is not a long time to recover from the breakup
of a relationship. It doesn't matter how good or bad the relationship 
was, the important thing is how much of an emotional commitment she
had to the relationship.

Third, there is no guarantee that once she is ready to get involved,
that she will get involved with you. There is no way to know this ahead
of time, either.

Having said those negative things, I think that your chances are not 
bad, if you are able to accept these things, and have the patience to 
stick it out. That she said that she didn't want to get involved 
really doesn't say much about your future chances, because there is 
an obvious, immediate reason why she doesn't want to get involved:
she is still getting over the other guy.

You need to avoid becoming her foul-weather-friend. If you don't want
to get left behind as she starts to recover, don't get too involved in
her problems. Try tactfully to avoid talking about her current problems.
You should acknowlege that she is feeling hurt, but don't try to 
sympathize with her problem. You will be putting yourself
in a role of helping her hang on to her problem. And then when she 
decides to let go of it, she will let go of you, too. Be kind and
caring, just don't help her hang on to her problems.

You need to avoid pressuring her. People want to decide on their own
to get involved, and the more pressure they feel from the other person,
the harder it is for them to get involved. You want to make her want
to get involved with you. It sounds like you are already being her friend,
that is good. Don't be afraid to show any appreciation that you feel for
her. I have yet to meet someone who gets too much sincere flattery.

You can also make yourself more desirable in her eyes.  Generally, you
do this by showing you are independent, and attractive to other
people.  So, always dress and groom neatly, and make sure she knows you
have a life of your own.  You want to her to have the idea that
although you would like to wait for her, you have lots of options, and
might have to leave her if someone special comes along before she
commits. Date other women, and tactfully let her know that you are
acting like a normal, *unattached* person.


Good Luck,
Michael.

Newsgroups: alt.romance