From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Blackness
Date: 9 Nov 92 20:33:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Dear Broken Ropes,
    I hope you  won't  feel  dissected  if  I  take  a few of the
    pertinent points you made  in  your  posting  and  comment on
    them.  Your posting moved me very much.  I recognize a lot of
    stuff similar to what I have gone and am  going  through.   I
    guess the major point is to say that you are  not  alone  and
    that  you  seem  to have made some significant initial steps,
    just by putting the words which describe how you are feeling.
    
    Journaling is  in  fact  a  technique  that  often  helps.  I
    discovered it inadvertently,  but  am continuing (I won't say
    how many hundreds of pages I have now amassed).  Occasionally
    posting to ASAR has been  a  way for me to set things down as
    well ...  with the added  advantage  of  often  having people
    respond  directly    to    what    I've   written  or  asked.
    Incidentally, you did not indicate explicitly in your posting
    whether it was O.K.    to e-mail you (anonymously).  I didn't
    want to intrude if that was not what you wanted, which is why
    I am posting this.  Forgive  me  if that seems inappropriate.
    I trust others will simply take or  leave  anything  I say in
    any case, and that's O.K. 
    
> I feel  sad  and hurt for all those who hurt.

    And we also feel the same way about you.  That is part of the
    reason for ASAR:  mutual support.
    
>I feel so ashamed for what has been done to me.  I realized, last
>night, how long ago it happened.  It is  still  with  me.
    I suppose this is one the hardest  parts.    Alas,  we cannot
    change what was done to us.  In  one  sense it is always with
    us, but it is possible to use this so  that it no longer has
    a hold on us.  We can acknowledge the past and go through the
    pain and grief which  that entails so that we don't get stuck
    back there.  That is one way to break the  abusers'  power
    over us.   By becoming better, happier, more caring people in
    spite of the horrendous things we had to cope with.
    

>I need the love and acceptance of God but I
>am so ugly inside.

    Someone  else  gave  you a  lead  for  groups  which  discuss
    religious  issues, so I don't want  to  start  a  theological
    thread here.  I will simply say that since you mentioned your
    Christianity, perhaps you can find a way to go back and
    restudy the tenets of total acceptance and forgiveness, which
    may give you some solace.
    
>I want to jack off.  I want to eat  to fill the emptyness inside.

    Jacking off  and  orgasms from any kind of sex can often be a
    way of literally  numbing  your  feelings  (the  rush towards
    orgasm pushes other thoughts  aside,  the orgasm itself feels
    physically good and afterwards the  release can send you into
    sleep:    another kind of oblivion and numbness).    Likewise
    eating  and  other  addictive  behaviours  are often 'coping'
    mechanisms which  keep  us from facing that the actual things
    which are causing  us  pain.    Many,  many,  many of us have
    experience of these things.  You are not alone.
    
>I can't do anything right.  I have so much to  do  and I can't do
>any  of  it.    Help!  Please!  I can't consentrate.  My mind has
>been swimming for the past month.

    Many of us can empathize with these  feelings.   We have gone
    through them again and again too.  Are  you  able  to get any
    kind of help:  a counsellor?  a group?   It is not a weakness
    to  seek help in getting through these seemingly overwhelming
    issues.   On  the contrary, it is a sign of 1) your readiness
    to  come  to  terms  with  things  and  2)  the  strength  of
    self-preservation  which tells us  that  inside  there  is  a
    frightened human being who has worth and is deserving of good
    things.    Meanwhile you have ASAR  where  you  can  exchange
    ideas, ask questions, read that you are  not  alone  and that
    others are with you and can be tremendously supportive.
    
>These feelings of wanting some kind of sex as if it would make me feel any 
>better.  It would not.  I don't want to feel this.  It is so disgusting.
>I want to go and hide and go to sleep.  Maybe even fade to black.

    See above what I've said about numbing activities.    We  all
    have them and they take many forms.  I  used  to  sleep  away
    whole weekends and holidays so I can avoid thinking of myself
    or facing the pain.
    
>Damn, I hate the "poor me" syndrome.  I am not worth it.  I have 
>wished that I could die, but I was struck by a thought that It would not 
>make it easier on anyone and in fact much harder on others.
    Please  use  whatever  you  need  to hang on, because you ARE
    worth it!
    
>I  just can't stop the feelings.  Please take them away, I  just
>want to rest.
    The irony here  is that rest WILL come when you do go through
    the pain of the feelings and figure out what's happening (and
    what happened originally to cause  it).   It is very scary at
    first, but bit by bit you  learn that you can get through and
    the  panic becomes less because you have  the  experience  of
    having gotten through the first or second or  nth  thing  and
    the confidence that having got through them and you'll  be  able
    to get through whatever is facing you now.
    
    I recently had a new flood of memories and sh** engulf me for
    the better part of a week.  It was like the  first.    It was
    awful.  It was painful and I wanted out of it.   But I knew I
    had  to stick through it and just held on to the hope that  I
    would feel better on the other side of it because that's what
    (miraculously) I had found previously.  And this  week  I  am
    feeling positive and constructive, a renewed man.
    

>I am sorry for all of this.  I  don't think that I
>can be forgiven for this, though.  Is this my fault?  I have been
>told that  it  is  not,  but I am not convinced.  Being judge and
>jury is so  easy.  Just condemn yourself and it will be clean and
>quick.

    Would it be  possible  for  you to call a TIME OUT concerning
    such things as 'fault' and 'blame' and 'forgiveness' and just
    concentrate on WHAT it is  you  are  dealing with?  Sometimes
    getting a bead on the WHAT and the FEELINGS you have helps to
    put those other things in a more manageable perspective.
    
>  I wish  I could scream.  I can't.  I am unable to scream.
>I  can  talk.    I    can   sing,somethimes.    I  can't  scream.
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!     (I
>can type, though :.))
 
    All I can say is, WOW, what  a  spirit.  You did scream:  and
    we heard it.  And you followed it  up  with  a punctuation of
    humour.  If that isn't an affirmation of spirit  and  life  I
    don't know what is!!!
    
    Hang in there!  You have a lot of people rooting for you!
    
    Kristian



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