From: dyer@spdcc.com (Steve Dyer)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Congratulating (het) parents on their new baby
Date: 22 Dec 92 18:12:47 GMT
Article-I.D.: spdcc.1992Dec22.181247.24370
Organization: S.P. Dyer Computer Consulting, Cambridge MA

In article <34549@rnd.GBA.NYU.EDU> smezias@rnd.GBA.NYU.EDU (Stephen J. Mezias) writes:
>Given how these messages seem to bother you, maybe you should avoid
>reading them.

Harrumph, maybe they're hard to avoid.

>What is not to understand here?  I don't know that I would describe it
>as a `het' thing although one would presume that the message is the
>generally the result of previous heterosexual behavior.  This is just
>one of those social traditions, like the tooth fairy or the Easter
>bunny.  Does one understand the Easter bunny or the tooth fairy?

This is precisely so.

>It may be that the social values consonant with this type of announcement
>have relatively little overlap with the social values expressed in
>many soc.motss posts, but I don't know.  Either way, as long as the
>`proud parents' aren't posting with the intent of communicating
>something specific to glb persons, I fail to understand the motss
>relevance of these posts in other locations.

The issue is one of exclusion and alienation as perceived by the marginalized,
and the burden of such social traditions which are enjoyed by the majority
so thoughtlessly.  (Which isn't a claim that the majority has any moral
responsibility to stop doing what it's doing, by the way.)  I think your
analysis of the social roles of such congratulations is spot-on, but you're
ignoring the ur-text of JI's comments, and the comments of similarly margin-
alized individuals.  Think of it as a similarly ritualized letting-off-of-
steam. :-)

I may be sorry to bring this up (I'm amazed that we've managed to avoid it),
but it's rather analogous to a Jew expressing exasperation at Christmas.
Now, it is possible to confront such a complaint in a rather Vulcan, hyper-
logical manner and thereby dismiss it, or point out that many Jews have come
to terms with this phenomenon in other ways which don't involve posting to
the net, but that doesn't make the exasperated any less exasperated.

>When my son was born, neither my wife nor I made any such
>announcement.  I certainly felt many emotions during pregnancy, labor,
>and birth.  The social convention is to label these emotions as pride.
>I don't think it had much to do with my ability to get an erection and
>engage in heterosexual sex.  It had much more to do with constructing
>appropriate labels for an intense emotional experience to make it
>easier to deal with.
>[...]
>It is all of these things and much more.  The message encapsulates a
>series of social myths about appropriate responses to the traumatic
>experiences of labor, child birth, and beginning to live with a new
>person, who is quite helpless and requires much attention.

Nicely put.  I love clear expositions like this.

>I have certainly seen messages of this nature from adoptive parents.
>It may be that single parents and same-sex parents generally do not
>wish to publicize their situations.  I honestly do not know.

I think -- to extend your analysis -- that the issues with same-sex
or single parents revolve around the fact that such an announcement
does _not_ yet elicit a mindless, reflexive social response, because
the news is still so unusual.

>>5. Am I the only one with the (suppresed) urge to post followups along
>>the lines of "who cares?" or "only 10 pounds? You can hardly make a
>>pot roast out of that!"
>Do you also want to follow-up every post about emotional experiences
>in a glb person's life with similarly insensitive remarks?

You certainly don't think the circumstances are symmetric, do you?
I would love to be on hand when JI makes his next comment about pot roasts,
frankly.  Maybe some lights will go off.

>>6. Should I really be working on finishing my thesis and not bothering
>>soc.motss with my morning (very late night, actually) bitchiness?
>My guess would be yes.  Why are you bothered by harmless propogation
>of collective strategies to deal with intense life transitions?  If I
>were you, I would my energy for fighting bigotry and intolerance.

Thank you, massa, suh. :-)

>While this social tradition celebrates a life experience that glb
>persons may be somewhat less likely to have than hets, I think it is
>relatively harmless compared with other het traditions regarding sex
>and reproduction.

Well, I don't disagree with you, but I'm not going to tell other gay people
how they should react to such traditions.

-- 
Steve Dyer
dyer@ursa-major.spdcc.com aka {ima,harvard,rayssd,linus,m2c}!spdcc!dyer
Newsgroups: soc.motss