Organization: The American University - University Computing Center
Date: Sunday, 30 Aug 1992 23:48:41 EDT
From: <HERSCH@auvm.american.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english,dc.dining
Subject: Menu Manglish Mania

A while back people were sharing mangled English from menus, as well as
from other sources. Well, my *dears*, a menu from a nearby Chinese
restaurant has just come into my possession that is destined, someday,
for Mangled Menu English Cooperstown. I'd like to share a bit of it with
you.

The restaurant is called Blue Diamond, a Chinese place at 18th and T Streets
Northwest, Washington, DC, which is near where I live. Before going any
further, I want to point out that they have pretty good food, very prompt
home delivery, and prices that are probably a little higher than other
comparable restaurants, but still not far out of line. I encourage anyone
in the neighborhood to give them a try.

Far greater than the food, though, is the menu. It is composed in a sort
of rambling confessional style which, as far as I know, is rather unusual
in restaurant menus. It even opens with a species of author's preface,
apparently edited by a native or at least fluent speaker of English
unlike most of the rest of this remarkable document. The author writes:

"I feel that our menu is rather old now. We worked for the past 2 years for a
change to the better. My colleagues and myself worked hard on a new menu to
introduce to you -- our dear customers. We sincerely hope that through our
hardwork, with new endeavour, we would be able to serve you better from now
on."

The wording of the last sentence seems to imply that the sincere hope is
a forlorn one.

Now for some of the menu items:

- Soft Cook Duck: You know Chinese have a lot way to cook duck. This one is
  special too. We steam unless two hours or more.

- General Tao's Chicken (II): So popular in here. But we make it different
  way. Try it, you will fine it out. Chef's say please don't complain, oh
  God. Who know's.

- Emperor Shrimp: Emperor flavor entree, select the prawn sandwich with
  chicken filet and ham pan fried to golden brown, top with ginger garlic
  tomato sauce, spicy and sweet & sour.

- Oak Meal Sugar Roast Spareribs: This is ribs lover's. First we steam, 2nd we
  roast five Chinese flavor, then 3rd we deep fried. 4th we top with oak meal
  sugar, 5th we give top fresh garlic vinger spicy soy sauce. 6th use your
  finger, what else, enjoy it.

- Peach Duck: Boneless Long Island duckling, marinated and pan fried it.

- Sesame Beef: Use frank steak, cutting in strip, deep fried to crispy.

- Grill Shish Kebab: This entree in the world has so many way of prepared.
  We may be not the best, but is value to taste it. Is Good for Lunch &
  Dinner.

- Moo Shu: Take me for long time to make up my mind to let do it (my way).
  First the pancake very special, it is sesame pancake, pan fried not steam.
  Little bit crispy, soft to roll up (crepes). The way prepared use more
  kind of crispy vegetables, like carrot strips, bamboo strips, cabbage
  strips, snow pea strip. The meat cut thicker strips, you can choice spicy
  or not spicy. Is Very Special!

- Vegetable Delight: Mr / Mrs: Vegetarian lover, all we introduce some of
  the best vegetable dish for you. All from us.

- String Beans & Dry Bean Curd: Dry bean curd alway make Hunan red beans
  sauce, so tasteful, plus tender fresh string beans. Good Combination!

- Cauliflower: We know this kind vegetable is very fresh. Tender and juice,
  but not many Chinese restaurant management introduce it. We don't know
  why maybe we are very smart to choice it for our customs.

- Shanghai Bob Joy: One of the best in future to introduce. This vegetable
  crispy in the hood, green and soft in tall. Very juice and tender.


Well, my goodness, how could anyone resist something that is crispy in the
hood while green and soft in tall? Or a tasteful sauce? Or anything that is
value to taste it? This place has a lot going for it. At any rate, give
them a call when you're hungry and you don't mind spending a little money
and you can't be bothered to lift a finger to feed yourself. In DC, their
number is 797-4619. They take Amex, Visa, and Master Card (on orders of
$12 or more). No personal checks. Their hours are 11 am to 2:30 am, which
is great for you drug users! Anyway, just tell them Shanghai Bob Joy
sent you -- one of the best in future to introduce.

I have no pecuniary interest in Blue Diamond, in case you were wondering.
I just wanted to share. Oh, and the description of Peach Duck reminds me
of the sort of poetry I used to write twenty years ago when I was the
helpless thrall of Gertrude Stein. I wonder if the author of this menu
is a disciple of hers as well.

H.

P.S. I've never found cauliflower to be a *particularly* kind vegetable.
Indeed, one of the most vindictive, spiteful vegetables I ever encountered
just happened to be a rather large and bumptious cauliflower, which spent
the better part of a three-day Carnival Cruise blackening my reputation
out of sheer malignancy. Kind vegetable indeed!