From: billones@grebyn.com (Jeremy Billones)
Subject: UEFL: Central Division Session A
Organization: Grebyn Timesharing
Distribution: na
Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1992 13:54:22 GMT


			Central Division Newsletter
				Session A

			  	LP   W  L  D	GF GA	CP  TP	Cash
BOTH	Beirut Blast		5    2  0  1	 8  2	11  5	 259
MVP	Moonshine by Urn     	5    2  0  1	10  6	9.5 3	 103
 	Sordid Sages		4    1  0  2	 4  3	8.5 4	 418
EB	Wainscotting		4    2  1  0	 6  9	2.5 3	  77 Blown
EB	Cylinder Heads		2    1  2  0	10  6	5.5 3	 533
EB	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	2    1  2  0	 7  8	4.5 3	 154
	Oxaxaca Tortugas	2    1  2  0	 2  7	9   4	 100
EB	Safety in Numbers	0    0  3  0	 3  9	3   1	 168

Transactions:

The New Lions trade 1 TP to the Yungsten Yahoos for $40K.

The New Lions trade 1 TP to the Amazing Leaping Lemmings for Twisting Tom
	Lemming (DF) and Athletic Adrian Lemming (MF).

The Oxaxaca Tortugas purchase Ray Fosse (DF) from the minor leagues.

The Beirut Blast purchase Terry Anderson (DF) and Pablo Escobar (FW)
	from the minor leagues.

Moonshine by Urn purchases Victor SiFuentes (DF) and Bobby Fischer (FW)
	from the minor leagues.

Safety in Numbers cuts Douglass Fuillette (DF), and signs Jeff Gorn (MF)
	from the minor leagues.

Wainscotting signs CD Gumby (FW) from the minor leagues.

Press:

[BB]
	The question of the moment is:  who does Archmage Fred hate
more, MbU or BB?  One would think that obvious answer would be MbU
after last season's series of frustrating defeats.  Also, Fred and
Manager Ingram have been known to conspire together in the past, as
Peripheral managers will recall last season's mutation of rookie GK
Viktor Ostrovsky into a giant lizard.  During the off-season, the
transmogrification process was completed in a midsummer ritual at
Stonehenge during the dark of the moon.  Ostrovsky now measures some
50 feet in height, and in order to protect that turf from extensive
damage and to keep his tail from ramming into opposing players in
the box, drawing penalty kicks, Ostrovsky has been trained to crouch
behind the goal and stop shots by snatching them using his long
neck, big mouth and sharp teeth.  The Blast have offered to take
care of expenses involved in replacing multiple balls in each match
due to punctures.

	Back to the point...Fred's obvious hatred toward MbU may have
been lessened somewhat in the off-season, so the Blast are steeling
themselves against an all-out Automata-like assault from the more
powerful Sages.  Thankfully, the Sages must also face last season's
other top contender, Tuxedo Park, this session.

	In other matches, the Blast will test its Central mettle by
facing off against Safety in Numbers.  Popular opinion in Beirut
is that last year's Central doormat is still plenty powerful enough
to bomb BB back to Beirut.  This could be a good indicator of where
the Blast will find themselves in the grand scheme of things this year.

	Finally, BB renews last year's rivalry with the Tortugas,
who were the only team in Peripheral last season to play the Blast
even-up for the entire season (1-1-1 record).  The Rader/Bailey GK/SW
combo should be back in force for this match.  Don't look for much
scoring from either end, though, as an aging Arafat tries to preserve
his status as star Blast keeper over an improving Ostrovsky.

	The Blast are greatly looking forward to next session, when
they will start a new rivalry with Wainscotting.  The two teams will
play for the coveted "Velvet Doormat," which was stolen by none other
than Blaster Burke, the Blast mascot, at the end of last season from
Red Hawk stadium in anticipation of this season's festivities.  Manager
Ingram commented, "If you're going to start a real rivalry with someone,
make sure you have a chance to win."

[W]
	The Cleveland Spiders.  The Dallas Texans.  The Columbia University
Lions.  The United States World Cup Team. [Hey!  They held Italy to 1 goal
IN ROME!  You should be so lucky... Ed.]  All lynchpins in the history of
sports ineptitude.  All tried and failed to achieve the one goal they so
richly deserved.

	The Velvet Doormat.

	The history of The Velvet Doormat begins in Gaul in 29 BC, when
the last bastion of Gaulish resistance challenged the Roman Legions of
Flavius Minimus to a winner-take-all football match for the control of
the Gaulish region left under Gaulish control.  Sadly for the Gauls, there
was no real-life Asterix and Obelix, and they were soundly defeated on the
strength of two goals by forward Diegus Maradonnus past theretofore un-
scored-upon goalie Charles "Dee" Gaul.  The Romans, not wishing to be
gauche (if perhaps tyrannical), awarded the Gauls with The Velvet Doormat,
a largish 2.5' x 1.5' doormat made of the finest Corinthian Velvet.

	Through the years, The Velvet Doormat was passed along from generation
to generation, passing back to the Romans in 476 AD, then to the Native
South Americans in the 1500's, and back to Europe to rest in Poland for
numerous crushing defeats at the hands of, well, everyone else in Europe.
But in 1939, The Velvet Doormat was feared lost forever when Hitler's
Blitzkrieg rolled through the Polish Cavalry's defense to score 9 goals
on keeper Wraczczoslaw Czczczczczizcczzki, and setting off numerous
explosions which seemingly destroyed The Velvet Doormat forever.

	However, The Velvet Doormat resurfaced almost 40 years later in
Grenada, where U.S. forces commandeered the trophy with a smashing 4-goal
performance from Major Major M. Major, and brought it home to the World
Cup team.  However, goalie Tony Meola, severely drunk after being shelled
by Czechoslovakia in 1990, gambled The Velvet Doormat away to John Banagan
of the Davis Red Hawks, where until recently it has found a comfortable
home.

	Rumors have it that disgruntled sub-mascot Blaster Burke of the
Beirut Blast has stolen The Velvet Doormat from Banagan at the fire sale
that disintegrated the Red Hawks (well, disbanded them: they had already
disintegrated), and, having been hired by Wainscotting for the Gresley
Rovers match two seasons ago, has contacted Managers Ingram and Buffum for
the terms of its release.  Thus, as Minnesota plays for The Little Brown
Jug, as Dallas and Houston play for the Governor's Cup, so begins the first
such tradition in the UEFL: which of these fine (yet "talentially challenged")
can be the first to live up (down?) to the fine tradition that is The
Velvet Doormat in Central this season?

	Further rumors exist that Ian Brown's Safety in Numbers might attempt
to usurp the honor (?) from the Blast and the Gumbies.  The only response
out of Beirut and Wainscotting was gales of uninterrupted laughter.

[MbU]
  Whee!  My first UEFL season as defending Cup champion.  I can hardly wait
to see what everyone has in store for me.  The latter parts of last season
were certainly fun.  Of course, it was occasionally painful, but still a lot
of fun.  Aging takes its toll, the auction mixes things up a lot, and we are
all involved in trading, and suddenly its a new story.
   Since the start of last season, I've inherited the EEFL, and no longer have
as much time as I used to.  I hope you won't be disappointed by a slightly
reduced level of play; I'll try to reduce it as little as possible.  After all,
I got here after three years of hard work and a lot of luck last season, and
I'll try to justify the faith that Jeremy's dice put in me.
   Welcome to our new additions, the Tortugas and the Blast.  Let's all try
to give them a hearty Central Division welcome; how does a scoreless draw and
two blowouts sound?  Sound like the old Sordid Sages?  Right; but don't worry,
their present manager isn't as vindictive as the original one.  Jon is usually
content with a 4-0 victory, as I may find out about the time you guys read
this.

********************************************************************************
				Match 1
********************************************************************************
		Sordid Sages	  vs	Beirut Blast
				1 - 1
				1 - 7
Sadat (1)						Quayle (1)
							Chang (bk)
							Daniloff (bk)
********************************************************************************
	Moonshine by Urn	  vs	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks
				5 - 4
				14- 9
Clay (2)						Grapelli (2)
Debt (1)						Baxter (1)
L. Lenny L. (1)						Fleck (1)
Open (1)
********************************************************************************
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Wainscotting
				1 - 4
				2 -11
Phillips (1)						Mitchell (3)
Walker [inj;pull]					Center (1)
							FQ Gumby (bk)
********************************************************************************
		Cylinder Heads	  vs	Oxaxaca Tortugas
				1 - 2
				2 - 6
Snap (1)						Dobbs (1)
Weinberger (bk)						Sims (1)
********************************************************************************
				Match 2
********************************************************************************
		Cylinder Heads	  vs	Moonshine by Urn
				1 - 4
				1 -11
Shomway (1)						Hand (2)
Jamnation (bk)						Goal (1)
Seball (bk)						TK Gumby (1)
							Vibbentrop (bk)
********************************************************************************
		Beirut Blast	  vs	Safety in Numbers
				3 - 1
				5 - 1
Kissinger (2)						A. Anderson (1)
Hussein (1;bk)
Gates (bk)
Gemayel (bk)
Yeltsin (bk)
********************************************************************************
	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	  vs	Sordid Sages
				1 - 2
				7 - 7
Baxter (1;bk)						Luke (1)
							Ptolemy (1)
********************************************************************************
	Oxaxaca Tortugas	  vs	Wainscotting
				0 - 2
				1 - 3
Aiy (bk)						Mason (1;bk)
Rader (bk)						Sirius (1)
Sims (bk)
********************************************************************************
				Match 3
********************************************************************************
	Oxaxaca Tortugas	  vs	Beirut Blast
				0 - 4
				2 - 7
Hundley (bk)						Peres (2)
							Chang (1)
							Santarelli (1)
********************************************************************************
	Moonshine by Urn	  vs	Sordid Sages
				1 - 1
				2 - 2
SD Gumby (1)						Magus (1) [inj;spr]
Reeds (bk)						Johnson [inj;spr]
							Ned [inj;conc]
							Osiris [inj;spr]
							Ptolemy [inj;spr]
							Sadat [inj;spr]
********************************************************************************
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks
				1 - 2
				1 - 8
Lowen (1)						Jamerson (1)
Phillips (bk)						Lyons (1)
********************************************************************************
		Wainscotting	  vs	Cylinder Heads
				0 - 8
				3 -15
Lionheart [inj;lig]					Hanson (2)
							M. Luking (2;bk)
							Seball (2)
							Jamnation (1)
							Rama (1)
							New (bk)
							Zerr (bk)
********************************************************************************
(bk)	Booked, 4 DPs
(RC)	Sent off, 10DPs
(#)	Number of goals scored
[inj;*]	Injured, type of injury