From: edsall@iastate.edu (David M Edsall)
Subject: What constitutes a best friend?
Summary: I'm lost
Keywords: friends, emotions, honesty, space
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 05:51:25 GMT



   I need honesty here. I am asking that people not be brutally honest in
their answers, if you wish to answer. I am fragile right now and I am not sure
what I can take. If you decide to respond, please think before you say
something. I know that you do not know me. I know that you do not know what
will hurt me and what won't. If it helps, just think of me as a scared little
seven-year old and ask yourself how you would talk to a scared little
seven-year old kid who is crying. It would help me if you did so.

   I need to talk. I am posting here because I have no close friends anymore.
I started down the road to recovery four years ago with no friends. I am now
back to having no close friends left. I need to get this off my chest. I have
no one else left to talk to but my therapist and I only meet with her once a
week.
  I have problems. I am aware of that. I get frightened easily. This stems
from being physically abused by my father when younger and from being
emotionally ignored by both parents, "friends" and family members. When I get
scared, I like to have a close friend there to talk things out with. I thus
become dependent on others to help me solve my problems. The answer must come
from within me. I know that.  It helps to have someone to bounce ideas off and
who loves me.
   I had a best friend until last August. Then she and I split up. I began to
distrust her when she waited a month to send me her new address. I tried to
talk with her but I yelled at her instaed. This was a reaction to being scared
and I was taking it out on someone who I thought was hurting me.
   I then found another friend and became attached to him. He and I became
very close until he started dating several women. Then I began to distrust
him. From that point on, I was unable, due to my fears to trust him again.
This eventually led to me pulling away from him. We no longer speak.
   While I knew him, I became friends with someone I work with. After I broke
up with him, I became close to her and attached myself again. When she began 
to spend more time talking to a person on the net who I indirectly introduced
her to, I became scared and started to distrust her. I felt that she no 
longer cared for me as much. I began to lash out at yet another person who
my mind thought would hurt me. We currently have not spoken for two weeks at
my request as I have a prelim coming up. 
   See a pattern? I do. But I don't know how to break it. I get scared and I
talk to someone I know I can trust and who I believe will not hurt me. When I
lose trust in that person, they become yet another person who could hurt me
and I either lash out or pull away. The relationships always seem to end.
   I feel miserable. I don't want to latch onto people. I want to give them
space. Yet I want someone in my life who I can trust and love and feel close
to and who will help/protect me when I get scared. That's the little kid
inside me saying, "Dad. Please stop beating me!! Mom. Tell him to stop!!"

   I have lashed out at people in this group for the very reason that things
they say have caused me to be scared. If Karen and Bear don't read this, I
don't blame them. I need to learn to relax and collect my thoughts. I need to
then reassure myself that I am okay and that these people cannot hurt me
and/or are not hurting me. Yet, there are times when I find it very hard to do
this. I get tired. I get stressed. I get depressed.

  I talked to a friend tonight. All I wanted was some stroking and love. I had
sent him a message a few days ago when I was very scared. I had tried having
no friends and depending on myself for a week but it didn't work. In the end I
needed to talk to someone. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt. I
also told him that I was afraid that he would be the next person I would latch
onto and that I was afraid that this would cause yet another friendship to end.
I needed someone to talk to tonight. I told him how I was feeling. He told me
that there was a time a few months ago that I seemed to be depending on myself
some more and that I was looking for the answers for myself. I felt confident
at the time. I also had a close friend in my life then which made life for me
a little easier. He said that I now appear lost again and that I am asking him
for answers again. I am just asking for some love and attention. I need that
right now. Maybe I was asking for answers. I could use that too.

   What constitutes a good close friendship? I want the following or I have
always believed that the following make a good friend:

   Someone who is there, willing to listen when you need someone
   Someone who is not afraid to show you they love you
   Someone whom you are willing to listen to when they need someone
   Someone you can have fun with
   Someone you can be honest with completely
   Someone who is willing to give you some advice or ideas or help you
     find the answer if they can

   I am willing to give people space. I can't read minds though. I need people
to tell me things. I can't go back to being unhealthy. I know too much about
myself now and the way some things are to do that. I am lost. I admit it.
  If I depend on people, I just want to do it long enough until I feel better
about myself or until I stop being scared. I am a wimp. I am a coward. I am a
survivor. I have a hard time trusting anyone.
   What am I doing wrong? I have been there when people needed me. I have
asked them for their support but sometimes it became too much for them to
handle. It's hard to grow up without support from people or without people you
can talk to about ideas about life and all the problems and joys that it
entails. 


   Thanks for listening,


   Dave ( a scared little boy )


P.S. If you wish to reply via e-mail, that would be okay as well.