From: Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk (Not Al Crawford)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Re: HaircutPeeves (was: own private idaho)
Date: 2 Sep 92 16:38:47 GMT
Reply-To: Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk (Not Al Crawford)
Organization: Penicuik People's Revolutionary Sheepdog Liberation Front

In article <Sep.2.10.35.31.1992.15882@cadenza.rutgers.edu> masticol@cadenza.rutgers.edu (Steve Masticola) writes:
>
> Peeve: There are no more "barbers" who will give you a "haircut" for a
> decent price. Instead, you have to go to a "unisex styling salon" and
> shell out big bucks.

Move to Penicuik! Yes, I know it's a lot to ask of anybody, but by moving
to Penicuik you too can visit an old fashioned barber who will give you a
haircut for very little money indeed.

Penicuik is blessed with "McQueenies", a barber's shop that quite literally
hasn't had *anything* done to it since about 1950. This is the sort of
barber's where you can have any haircut you want, as long as it's a short
back and sides (or a skinhead - McQueenies has always been the choice of
the local skinheads), where you don't have to make an appointment (nope,
you can choose instead to spend the afternoon sitting in a huge cloud of
smoke between two old men with pipes who haven't moved since 1963 and idly
leaf through all the 1972 copies of "Titbits") and where your barber acts
like a *real* barber should ("Do you need anything for the weekend sir?" he
says, glancing meaningfully towards the condom rack which by the look of it
hasn't been restocked since just after WWI). Finally, it's dirt cheap. In
fact I think you still have to pay in pre-decimal coinage.

The reason this place stays in business without bringing itself up to date
(the sole concession in this department has been renaming itself "Martin's
Gents Hairdressing" instead of "McQueenies" after too many "McQueenie Todd"
jokes started to circulate) is because Penicuik apparently has a near
infinite supply of unpleasant grizzled old men who will only go to a Real
Barber. They're *everywhere*.

Fortunately, the answer to this plague is at hand. My own hairdresser
recently moved from its previous central location to one that, alas, is
near a nest of grizzled old men. Someone's told them that hairdresser =
barber so they've started frequenting it instead of McQueenies.

However, everyone who works in my hairdressers is female. Apart from the
one male hairdresser. Yes, he is. So the grizzled old men have a choice of
having their hair cut by him or by one of the nice young girlies. Now most
of these grizzled old men believe that gay rights extend to "they've got
the right to a decent burial as long as it isn't on consecrated ground" so
it doesn't take a genius to figure out which they choose.

Unfortunately, these grizzled oldsters aren't made of the same stuff as us
regular unisex hair salon customers and thus aren't used to having female
chests pressed in their faces while their hair is being cut. Given what I
saw happening to one white haired gent the last time I got my haircut, I
reckon that unless my hairdressers changes location again, the grizzled old
man will be an endangered species in Penicuik within months.

(*) Life cycle of the female hairdresser. Pretty but very, very, stupid,
leave school at 16, "trainee" (i.e. sweeps up floors and makes coffee) for
2 years, hairdresser for another 2, marry a car mechanic called Kevin, 2
years of boring customers to death with all the details of this years
holiday in Torremolinos, leave to have a baby called Wayne or Kylie, turn
into a large wobbling blob and spend the rest of your life screaming at
your kids in supermarkets. Sad, isn't it?

--
		Not Al Crawford - Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk
      "Brothers, sisters, we don't need this fascist sheepdog thang"