From: v122kzkw@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (A FROOD WHO SURE KNOWS WHERE HIS TOWEL IS)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: parody- 2002: The next Odyssey
Date: 5 Apr 92 20:13:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

Greetings all!
Ok, I've bothered the people on this board enough times to post and repost
parodies of stories. Well, I figured it was high time I wrote a parody of my
own to share with everyone here. Before I post it, I would just like to thank
TAB129@psuvm and his friends down there for the moral support. It'll be in two
parts with the second part to be posted in a day or two. All friendly Email
replys are welcome!
T.
(not *T*, the other T.)
--------------------------------begin parody------------------------------------

			2002: The Next Odyssey

Picard: Captain's Log Stardate 3456.7. We are doing a routine search of the 
Eingeweide system. Our scanners have picked up some unusual magnetic
harmonics on the moon of the fourth planet.

Picard: Mr. Data. What do you see?

Data: Well - I spy with my eye, something that...

Picard: Mr. Data! On the moon!

Data: Oh, sorry sir. Sensors indicate that the harmonic pattern is pointing 
to a direction in the sky. Specifically, an uncharted part of the galaxy.

Worf: Captain, recommend we raise shields and destroy the moon.

Captain: Why?

Worf: Well, it'd give me something to do sir.

Captain: Not yet Worf. We have to find out where that signal is going and what
it says. When we come back you can destroy it.

Worf: Thank you sir.

Captain: Mr. Crusher, lay in a course to follow that signal. Warp 5. Engage.

Riker: Mr. Crusher, can you use the Universal decoder on the message?

Wesley: No need to sir. I already translated it by hand into 15 different 
languages. I am a self proclaimed genius ya know.

Everyone: Shut up!

Picard: Well, what's it say?

Wesley: It's from some sort of life form that has been monitoring this sector.

Picard: Ah, thank you. Number one, will you join me?

Riker: Sir?

Picard: I need help finding the head.

Riker: Yes sir. Data, you have the bridge.

Data: Thank you sir. Wesley, would you like to continue your driving lesson 
now?

Wesley: Sure thing!

Data: Ok, now then sit here. Now today, I want you to practice doing turns. 
Do you remember what to do?

Wesley: Yes sir. First I signal to turn by pressing this button (hits button,
show exterior of ship. Show the warp nacelle blinking. Go to interior) Then I
press this one here...

Data: No, that is the wrong button. That sep... (exterior shot of ship 
separating) ...erates the ship. Why not let me take over for a while? That is
better. Data to captain, we are at the designated coordinates

Picard voice: Good, what do our sensors pick up?

Data: Sensors indicate a large object floating in the middle of nowhere.

Picard voice: What are it's dimensions?

Data: 8 by 8 by 8. A perfect cube. Sir, I'm afraid we have discovered the Borg!

Picard voice: Righty ho, be right there.

Commercial: Having problems getting cash quick? Do you find that your bills are
starting to pile up quickly? Well come to the Congressional House Bank. Yes you
too can bounce checks like the best of them, and get no penalties! Sound like 
an offer too good to be true? Well listen on, there's more! We've said we were
closing the bank. That's just a ploy to fool the American public. In actuality
we're expanding! Now we're giving out low percentage loans for those looking to
buy a house in their district, so as to look interested in their job. You say
you want in? Ok, just run against your congressperson saying how bad he or she
was with bouncing checks. You'll get the job in no time. So start today and 
screw tax money out of the tax payers in your district!

Picard and Riker walk onto bridge, look at the viewscreen and continue on to
the ready room.

Picard: Number one, where's my head buffer? I want to look good if the Borg
want to kidnap me.

Riker: Don't you think we have bigger fish to fry right now?

Picard: Fish? Fry? Right! Computer, two fish frys, hot! (Computer sound of 
making fish)

Riker: No, I mean with the Borg out there and all.

Picard: (while starting to eat) Well, as far as I'm concerned, they can make 
their own fish.

Riker: Let me put it this way. Don't you think we should be out there, on the 
bridge, defending our...

Data Voice: Captain, I think you should see this.

Picard: On our way.

Scene of Bridge. Viewscreen has Borgship on. A second after Picard and Riker
enter, scene of inside Borgship appears, with Borgified movie celebrities.

Data: My God, it's full of stars!

Everyone: Shut up!

Worf: Message for you sir! (grabs chest and falls)

Commercial: Do you like to cook? Do you like to chop celery, make cloe slaw,
cut down a forest? Well introducing the Ginsu 5000 powersaw! Yes, it slices,
it dices, it cuts, it chops, it does things we can't describe on television.
It'll chop tomatoes, cut through leather, chop a house in half and still be as
sharp as the day you bought it. The Ginsu 5000 is the only culinary power tool
you'll ever need. And if you order now, we'll throw in, absolutely free, this 
cake froster, which doubles as a power sander. How much would you expect to pay
for this? Way too much! Send all your money to, I-was-born-a-loser, P.O. Box
111 New York, New York 10101 or call 1-800-I-m-s-u-c-k-e-r.

Borg Voice: Hello, I'm the H-E-L-L 6660 series Borg computer. Just after I 
killed the crew of the Discovery, this Borg ship assimilated me, and now with
the help of the monolith, we go around and assimilate everything for our 
galactic zoo. You are to be next.

Picard: Hmmm - I don't think I'll like that. Will I still be able to recite
Shakespeare?

Borg Voice: Shakespeare is irrelavent!

Laforge: I somehow knew that was comming.

Troi: I thought I was the only one with empathic abilities. 

Laforge: If that's the case, what's gonna happen in the next part?

Everyone: Hunh?

Announcer voice: Will the Enterprise be saved? Find out on the next new, not
entirely exciting episode of Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaar Trek!

Worf: Where is that comming from? Permission to shoot at the voice sir.