Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: anger!!!
From: anonymus+845@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1992 21:27:22 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

***** spoiler******










I'm putting a spoiler in- because I'm not sure how
this is going to turn out- how graphic-- I just 
have to start writing and see










well here goes.........






I am starting to remember more about the childhood
abuse  --  I can remember clearly being held down
on the floor - naked-  someone holing my arms 
above my head and some holding my feet- with my legs
spread apart--  I am crying-- not loud - but maybe 
just whimpering--  I know the 2 holding me are 2 of
my older brothers-- I just don't remember which one-
my 2 other brothers  are the - and also someone else.
I can remember say "I want to  get up now"  but thy
wouldn't let me--  I am either 6 or 7 years old-  this
wasn't the first time--  they keep saying "  no lay still
so ??? can have a turn"  later-- I think they took me
to a movie--  my parents were alcoholics and were probably
dead drunk or not at home at all-  my brothers would have
ranged from ages 9, 12, 14, & 16 at this time.  The other
boy  ??? maybe a friend of the 16 yr old.

It's odd how they would hurt me -- then buy me things or
take me places--  it's strange how I wanted to be around
them--  I really loved 3 of my brothers-  they were alway
my "heros"  the youngest one-  I hated-- he would always
be saying nasty things to me--  about feeling my "pussy"
or "I'm going to fuck you"  the other 3 would never mention
it until they would actually want to "do it"  

I can remember once getting really hurt-- we were probably
roaming around the city at night (Chattanooga-- over 35
yrs ago--not in a pleasant area--  I'm with 2 of my brothers-
we walk into an alley and see a knifing-- I mean I remember
seeing the guy get stabed the slit in his stomach--  we run
like hell-- it is here that I get hurt I dash across and almost
get hit by a car-- it must have hit my leg or something-  I think
my ankle was broken-- I can remember it swelling and bleeding and
my older brother picking me up and carrying me--  I was crying alot

My younger brother try to have sex with me that night-  he was so 
mean and nasty-- I told him I was hurt and he kept on - I think he
even slapped me--  I can remember hitting him in the balls--  and
that took care of him-- but  he would alway still say nasty
things to me.--a lot of time just seems to vanish-- I just don't
remember things.   

One day I am very sick-- running high fever--  my older brother
and sister seem to be the ones nursing me-- I only remember seeing
my mother just a little.  I can remember my younger brother again
trying to bother me even then-- I think my older brother hit him
and said to leave me alone- that I was sick--I had mono at the
time and was sick for almost 2 months-- it is strange-  my older
brother and my sister ( she was the oldest) seemed to be the
ones taking care of me-- I have no idea where my parents were>

my sister wakes me up one night and tells me that we are leaving.
I can remember spending a night in a horrible hotel-- lots of drunks
and us putting chairs and the dresser by the door so noone could
get in--  I remember being afraid and I know my sister was also
I would have been 9 and she was 19.  the next day she takes me
to a children's home--  I was confused-- I know they remarked about
how dirty I was-  I didn't even know it until they said something-
my sister gave me a hug and kiss and said she loved me and would come
and visit me-  but that I needed to be somewhere where I could be taken
care of.  I didn't want to be there--- I didn't know any other way of life
I only saw my sister a few times.  Years later I learned that she had
had a "breakdown" and was in a mental hospital.  She had a baby- which
she gave up- then went into the hospital--she wrote me a few times.
When I was 20 I got a call that she had stepped in front of a speeding
car and was killed--- I just couldn't even cry then-- I just didn't
know what to do--  I wanted to see her, to talk to her, to get to know
her.  

Now , I'm crying for her-  the past 2 & 3 years ( with my divorce--- and
all-- all this stuff is crowding in on me--)  I'm angry!!-  I'm angry
at my brothers- I hated my younger brother-- but I had loved the other
3-- why did they hurt me!  Why did they also protect me and seem to
really care for me - - I'm angry that my sister never got to be a
child or a teenager-- she had to take the responsibility of being a
growup and trying to protect me--  I think she had been in the hospital
before-  because there are years when I don't remember seeing her and
just being with my brothers-  then I can remember years when she and I
were together-- maybe when she was gone - that was when the abuses took
place.

I can't write anymore now--  I can just remember being mixed up with
conflicting emotions-- hating being used and yet wanting my brothers
attention and love also-- thinking that maybe in doing what they asked
that they would love me more-- and they did seem to take me places and
things- like they really wanted me with them and would not let anyone'
else hurt me.

thanks for listening- if you're still reading-- it helps just to
put this down--one more door opened and one less dark room to be
afraid of.

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