From: uttla@jacobs.CS.ORST.EDU (Laura Utt)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: You know your a parent... [LONG]
Date: 15 Aug 92 18:28:51 GMT
Article-I.D.: leela.1992Aug15.182851.11077
Organization: Computer Science Outreach Services - Oregon State University

I collected these about a year ago when they were circulating then.. I
figured I would post them since it has started up again... Sorry, but
I didn't think of saving the "From:" when I saved them to give the 
person the credit for saying it.


---

You know you are really a parent...

...When you have consoled yourself with the observation that ketchup is a
vegetable.

...When you know, for each shopping mall you visit, the exact location of the
department store elevators.

...When you sit down at a restaurant and automatically look for the menu
printed on the placemat.

...When, with twenty pounds of live weight in one hand, you can with the
other hand open a sealed milk carton, fold laundry, or comb someone's hair.

...When you apply the Defense Industry Security Policy Procedures for Storage
of Classified Documents to your baby sitter list.

...When you know which brands of ponytail holders hurt.

...When your idea of sublime relaxation is grocery shopping all by yourself.

...When you read "For Better or for Worse" and "Adam" before the headlines.

...When you can recount the history of each individual grey hair ("This one
was from the ink on the rug, this one was from standing up on your rocking
horse, this one...") [Contributed by *my* mother]

...When quiet makes you wonder what troublemaking is afoot.

...When, in moments of relaxation with your spouse, your conversation turns
naturally to bowel movements.

...When you can tell the difference between concrete and old, cold, baby rice
cereal (hint for non-parents: you can pry a spoon out of concrete).

...When standing in a dark room just listening to breathing can bring tears
to your eyes...

...When 10 minutes of silent, interrupted PEACE, are always shattered by the 
thought "Oh no! What has my 3 year old gotten in to now?" 

(and you usually find something like:  making dots on the couch with an ink pen

...When you know you're a parent when "sleeping in" means 8 a.m. if you're
lucky.  
    
...When you open your mouth and your mother's voice comes out!
       ("I don't care who started it, *you* stop it!!")
       (Oh, man, did I really say that?)

...To my three-year old who wanted a Bart Simpson t-shirt because the other 
kids at Day Care wear them,
      "I don't care what the other kids wear, I'm not THEIR mother"
    (UGH, I hated it when my mother said that!)


...When after a long tiring day of work, and you FINALLY get the kids to sleep;
you begin to get undressed for bed and discover that you tied a double knot in 
your own shoe laces early that morning. 
 
...When toys can be everywhere, not just in child's room.  You find in the cars,
in the tub, under the kitchen cabinet, in the master room, and even in the 
refrigerator. 

...When you think nothing of navigating around the car parked in the middle
of the kitchen, kicking an abandoned sweater away from your feet, and pushing
a teddy bear over to make room on the counter while you're trying to prepare
dinner.

...When, upon being stopped at a railroad crossing on your way to work, you 
think to yourself, "Choo-choo train!"

...When you upgrade your company's Usenet connection so you can read misc.kids 
more than once a day!

...When you know you are a parent when you can hear the baby, get her a bottle, 
change her diaper and get her back to bed, all without REALLY waking up yourself

Mama: Did you get up with her last night?
Dada: No, I thought you did.
Mama: No I didn't.
Dada: Then where did this empty bottle come from???

...When you and your spouse sneaks off to remote parts of the house to snack on
off-limits food!

...When you can easily remember a long distance phone number because you can't 
find any pencils (that you hid so well) in the house!

...When eating out, you and your spouse "negotiate" who is ordering what
so the kid would have something to eat, AND something to play with!

...When you start worrying if your kid is napping too long!

...When you can tell just from listening EXACTLY what your kid is doing in other
part of the house and WHICH you kid is standing on on the staircase! 

...When the only "literature" in your home is childrens' catalogs and parenting
magazines. 

...When you can amuse your 4.5 year old in the car by joining with her in
reciting the full text to some of her books.

Daddy:  ``In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines...''
Rebecca: ``Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines.''

...When you know that the surest way to wake up a child is to whisper to your
spouse "At last, some time to ourselves."

...When you have been bested in debate by an opponent one tenth your age --
and still can't figure out where you slipped up.

...When you have dreams about how tired you are.

...When you know what stepping on a Cheerio sounds like.  And when you're
sufficiently attuned to the sound that your foot will stop short of the
floor, leaving a perfect circle of crumbs.

...When you plan a day like this: "OK, we have to be there at 5:00, so we
need to start getting ready at 2:00, so we need to be washed up by 11:00, so
we need to finish breakfast by 8:00, so we need to get up at 5:00..."

...When picking someone up by the armpits, jamming your nose in her crotch,
and taking a good sniff is within your definition of socially acceptable
behavior.  [To forestall the obvious rejoinder: of course I refer to the
baby :o) ]

...When you have to buy new reference books to keep up with the flow of
questions.

...When you rank with history's great inventors the originator of the Onesie.

...When you can't remember the last time you got out of a bookstore without
reading something aloud.

...When you know the names of forty stuffed animals and the consequences of
getting one wrong.

...When sitting down and falling asleep fail to be synonymous only by a
matter of seconds.

...When your attic starts to fill up with boxes marked by age.  And when it's
bittersweet to put something away "until you have children of your own,
dear."

...When you find yourself paying attention to the detergent ads that promise
the product cleans grouund-in dirt.

...When you leave your fabulous SLR in the closet in favor of some auto-focus
point-n-shoot that sits on the family room coffee table next to two bowls
of film; one exposed ready for payless, the other ready for the camera.

...When your spouse asks in a *very* serious tone of voice "isn't Oscar the
Grouch supposed to be blue?" 

...When you all go out for dinner and of course you order food that you and your
child can eat and share. 

	You find yourself in the bathroom at the doctors, holding a wiggling
	10 month old on your hip, and bending over sideways to hold a cup
 	while you try to persuade your 4 year old to supply the necessary
	input for a urine test.  While you reason (hah!) with the 4 year old,
	you constantly wiggle around, trying to keep the baby from grabbing
	the 4 year old's hair, knowing perfectly well your entire conversation
	can be heard in the hall, and possibly all the way into the
	waiting room.  When you finally give it up, put the baby down, and
	turn to throw the cup away, you hear the very distinctive sound
	you've been waiting for.  You whip around, trying to catch some,
	but have to pause to pull the baby away from the toilet, where
	she is gleefully slapping her hands down on the surface of the
	water, and laughing at the splashing...

...When you go to work too relax.

...When for better or worse you start understanding why your parents are like
they are.

...When you've quit asking your wife why she needs more money, you just shell 
shell it out and recalculate the budget.

...When you abandon the budget.

...When you trade that 6 week vacation for a quiet weekend anywhere.

...When the only person that knows you are really perfect is only 6 months old
and can't tell anyone else.

...When you are now concerned when your wife says "Honey have you seen my
lipstick anywhere?"

...When you realize the fallacy of the following often heard statements: 

Sleeping like a baby...

Smooth as a babys behind...

As easy as taking candy from a baby...

Child proof...
 
...When you spend great creative energy trying to think up disguises for
vegetables. (hey! cauliflower and macaroni and cheese are almost the same
color!)
 
...When you find that spit makes a perfectly good cleaning agent.
 
...When even though you're an environmentalist, you find yourself leaving the
water trickling in the sink so you won't have to stop what you're doing and
find them something else to do.
 
...When you can literally find Cheerios in every corner of every room.
 
...When you rarely pet (or even notice) the cat.

...When you know that the surest way to wake up a child is to whisper to your
spouse "At last, some time to ourselves."

...When you have been bested in debate by an opponent one tenth your age --
and still can't figure out where you slipped up.

...When you have dreams about how tired you are.

...When you know what stepping on a Cheerio sounds like.  And when you're
sufficiently attuned to the sound that your foot will stop short of the
floor, leaving a perfect circle of crumbs.

...When you plan a day like this: "OK, we have to be there at 5:00, so we
need to start getting ready at 2:00, so we need to be washed up by 11:00, so
we need to finish breakfast by 8:00, so we need to get up at 5:00..."

...When picking someone up by the armpits, jamming your nose in her crotch,
and taking a good sniff is within your definition of socially acceptable
behavior.  [To forestall the obvious rejoinder: of course I refer to the
baby :o) ]

...When you have to buy new reference books to keep up with the flow of
questions.

...When you rank with history's great inventors the originator of the Onesie.

...When you can't remember the last time you got out of a bookstore without
reading something aloud.

...When you know the names of forty stuffed animals and the consequences of
getting one wrong.

...When sitting down and falling asleep fail to be synonymous only by a
matter of seconds.

...When your attic starts to fill up with boxes marked by age.  And when it's
bittersweet to put something away "until you have children of your own,
dear."