From: johnsos@prism.CS.ORST.EDU (johnson scott andrew)
Subject: TALLYHO!
Organization: Oregon State University, Computer Science Dept.
Date: Thu, 09 Apr 1992 06:24:00 GMT


WARNING:   The following STAR TREK parody contains several examples of 
ethnic jokes and other forms of politically incorrect humor.  They are
meant to entertain, and not offend, and the do not necessarily represent
the views of the author.  If you are likely to be offended by this, I 
highly suggest you press N now.  Other than this disclaimer, no apology
or retraction will be offered for this work.

























Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here is my parody.  If you have
any questions or comments, feel free to drop me a note.  Now, without any
further ado...

	  T  A  L  L  Y  H  O  !

	  a work of fiction by Scott Johnson


Teaser:

(Picard's ready room.  Picard is there, doing nothing.)


Picard (voiceover):  Captain's log, stardate 45749.2  The
      Enterprise is currently in the Alpha Alpha Alpha sector,
      conducting research on something that even I don't
      understand.  At any rate, the crew is taking advantage of the
      light duty schedule to relax--Commander Riker is in ten-
      forward hitting up women, Geordi is probably in the Holodeck,
      trying to get laid, and Mr. Worf is most likely doing his
      calisthenics.  Which leads me to conclude that any minute,
      the Enterprise will either receive a distress call or a
      subspace message from Starfleet command, interrupting our
      blissful peace and...

Data (on bridge):   Bridge to Captain Picard.

Picard:  Picard here.

Data:    Sir, we are receiving a priority one subspace message from
         Starfleet Command.

Picard (annoyed):  At this station, Commander.

Data:    Aye, sir.

(Face of a young admiral appears on the screen.)

Admiral:   Captain Picard, this is Admiral Generic of Starfleet
           Command.  A tenuous situation has arisen in the Nutri
           system.  A Ferengi vessel is attacking the U.S.S.
           Tallyho, and she requires immediate assistance.  Your
           orders are to proceed to Nutri 3 and investigate, and
           perform rescue operations if necessary.

Picard:    The Tallyho?  Isn't that Captain Bla...

Admiral:   Quite right, sir.  It is...  HIS ship.

Picard:    Oh my.

Admiral:   I'm sure you can handle him, Picard.  At any rate, you
           are to proceed there immediately.

Picard:    Understood, Admiral.  By the way, I don't believe I've
           met you before.

Admiral:   Of course not, Captain.  I'm brand new to the Admiralty.

Picard:    Then congratulations are in order!  How long have had
           your shoulder braids, sir?  We don't always get good
           information out in the field.


Admiral:   Let me see.... I graduated from the Academy on the 13th,
           today is Tuesday...  I believe its been two whole weeks,
           Captain.
  
Picard:    The Academy?  Say, you wouldn't know a young cadet named
           Wesley Crusher, would you?

Admiral:   Crusher, Crusher...  Oh, you mean Nerd Face.  Of course
           I know him (gets a big grin on his face.)  The entire
           senior class, the night before graduation, took turns
           giving him swirlies.

Picard:    400 upperclassmen taking turns giving one cadet
           swirlies?  Isn't that sort of rough on the scalp?

Admiral:   I suppose.  Nowadays, his hair now looks like... like...
           well, to be perfectly frank, Captain, his hair now looks
           like yours.  

Picard:    I see.  

Admiral:   At any rate, Captain, time is of the essence.  I suggest
           that you get moving.  Be careful of the Ferengi.

Picard:    It's not the Ferengi I'm worried about, sir.  It's
           Captain Bla...

Admiral (interrupting):   I understand, Captain.  Compared to HIM,
           handling the Ferengi will be a breeze.  

Picard:    Understood, Admiral.  Picard out.

(gets up, goes into bridge.  Data is there, along with Ensign Ro
and several other Ensigns.)

Picard:    Mr. Data.  How long to reach the Nutri system at warp 6?

Data:      At warp 6, it would take two hours, thirty five minutes,
           and sixteen.... fifteen...  fourteen....

Picard:    Yes, yes, yes, that's very interesting.  Ensign, set
           course for the Nutri system, warp 6.

Ro:        Aye, sir.

Data:      Sir, since we do have an emergency situation, may I
           suggest that it is prudent to travel at a faster
           velocity?

Picard:    At first glance, commander, it would.  But if we were to
           travel at say, Warp 9, we'd get there before the end of
           the commercial.  Those bastards at Paramount don't pay
           me enough, and I've got to earn my money SOMEWHERE...

Data:      Paramount? 

Picard:    The producers, Data.  The producers.

Data:      Sir, I do not believe the existence of a motion picture
           production company called "Paramount" on twentieth-
           century Earth is considered canon.  However.  If you
           consult the archives of the Freedonian Air and Space
           administration, they do have numerous references to...

Picard:    Enough, Data.  Ensign.  Is course laid in?

Ro:        Aye, sir.

Picard:    Engage....

(end of teaser.)

(view of planets... you know the rest.)

Picard (voiceover):  Space...  the final frontier... these are the
           voyages of the Starship Enterprise...

(roll credits...)

COMMERCIAL 1:

(1992 Pontiac Bonneville racing down mountain highway.  Of course,
it is traveling twice the speed limit, and there are no other cars
around.)

Patrick Stewart:  Introducing the 1992 Pontiac Bonneville, the
           latest creation of the genius of American Engineering. 
           Pontiac has combined the features of some of the
           greatest cars in the world, and placed them into one
           work of art.  The Bonneville features the exquisite
           STYLE of a Volvo.....   The comforting SAFETY of Suzuki
           Samurai...  the fuel economy of a Jaguar...  the awe-
           inspiring acceleration of a VW Rabbit...  the relaxing
           COMFORT of a Ford Festiva...  and the astonishing cargo
           room of a Mazda Miata.  In addition, it boasts a repair
           record comparable to any other American car in its
           class.  (Transmission falls out of car, rolls down
           road.)  The 1992 Pontiac Bonneville!  Test drive one
           today, at a dealer near you.

Chorus:   We build excitement....PONTIAC!

ACT ONE:

(Bridge.  Picard, Riker, Ro, Data, and various Ensigns are there. 
Riker is feeding his face with a hamburger.  Geordi and Worf walk
in, pissed.)

Geordi:   CAPTAIN!!!!!

Picard (still irritated):  What now?

Geordi:   I was in the holodeck, trying to, uh, you know, with
          Julie Program Number 37, when... when...

Picard:   When what, Commander?

Geordi:   When Lieutenant Worf barged in and KILLED her!!!

Picard:   Killed her?

Geordi:   YES!!!  He stabbed her with that... that...  that THING.

Worf:     This is not a thing!  It is a ceremonial Klingon ice
          pick, and a very important symbol of Klingon society and
          culture.

Picard:   Explain yourself, Lieutenant.

Worf:     Sir, she looked like one of Fek'lhr's evil minions!  It
          was my DUTY!

Picard:   Lieutenant, didn't you notice the holodeck was occupied?
          What were you doing in the holodeck when Geordi was using
          it?

Worf:     Sir.  I had just finished my calisthenics in the adjacent
          holodeck, and I heard a scream.  I barged in, and saw
          that... that... that THING attacking Commander LaForge!

Picard:   Attacking him?

Worf:     Yes, Captain.  She had him tied up at the wrists and
          ankles, and was striking him with a Marradian bungee cord
          and saying how she wanted to...

Riker (chewing):    We get the picture, Lieutenant.  And then you
           killed her?

Worf:     Yes sir.  I wouldn't have, but Commander LaForge kept
          screaming for her to stop it.

Picard:   I see.  In the future, Lieutenant, avoid the Holodeck
          when Geordi is using it.

Worf:     Yes, sir.

Geordi:   What about me, sir?

Picard:   You can go back down and re-create her, can't you?

Geordi:   Yes, but...

Picard:   But what, Commander?

Geordi:   But it just wouldn't be the same, sir.  The romance...
          it just wouldn't be there.  It would be like using an
          inflatable doll or something like that.  I'm not THAT
          desparate.

Picard:   Well, I'm sure you'll think of something, Geordi.

Data:     Sir, we are approaching the planet.  There are two ships
          within sensor range.

Riker (done with his hamburger):    Shields up!  Mr. Worf.  Can you
          identify them?

Worf:     One is a Ferengi marauder class vessel.  The other is a
          Federation vessel.  Transponder identifies it as... the
          U.S.S.  Tallyho.

Riker:    Oh my God!

Ro:       What is it, sir?

Riker:    Isn't that the ship commanded by Captain Bla...

Picard (interrupting):  Yes, Number one, I'm afraid it is.  Does
          anybody have any suggestions?

Worf:     I suggest we use photon torpedoes, sir.

Data:     Lieutenant, are you suggesting we destroy the Ferengi
          vessel, without provocation?

Worf:     No, sir.  I am suggesting we destroy the Tallyho.

Data:     Why would you wish to destroy another Federation vessel?

Riker:    Pull up your file on the U.S.S. Tallyho, Commander.

Data:     Accessing.  U.S.S. Tallyho, registry number NCC-1776,
          commanded by Captain E. Bla...  Intriguing.  Sir.  After
          considering the facts, I believe the course of action  
          suggested by Lieutenant Worf is a wise one.

Ro:       Why?  Who is this Captain Bla...

Riker (interrupting):  Why, he's the most despised officer in
          Starfleet.

Ro:       (indignant)  I thought I was the most despised officer in
          Starfleet!!
  
Picard:   It is true, Ensign, that you are universally despised
          throughout the Federation.  But the captain of the
          Tallyho wins out, mainly due to his rank.  How a man like
          that ever got to be Captain of a starship will always
          remain a mystery to me.

Ro:       But why does everyone hate him?

Picard:   Because he's conceited, arrogant, pompous, pig-headed,
          overbearing, and a general pain in the ass.

Data:     But sir.  You are also conceited, arrogant, pompous, pig-
          headed, and overbearing, and nobody hates you, sir. 
          Well, Admiral Schweitzer in Starfleet Command cannot
          stand you, but besides him...

Picard:   Because, Mr. Data, I am not a general pain in the ass.

Data:     I see.   Hmmph

Worf:     Should I destroy them, sir?

Picard:   Tempting as it may be, Lieutenant, I believe it wouldn't
          be prudent at this time.  Regulations and all.  Mr Worf. 
          Hail the Tallyho.

Worf:     Hailing Frequencies....   no response, sir.  The Ferengi
          vessel is jamming communications.

Picard:   Hail the Ferengi vessel, then.

Worf:     They are responding.

Picard:   Onscreen.  

(A Ferengi appears on the viewscreen).

Picard:   I'm Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.  You have
          disabled a Federation vessel.  Explain your actions.

Ferengi:  I'm Daimon Wayans of the Ferengi Defense Force.  I intend
          to sell this vessel I have captured to the highest
          bidder, Captain.

Picard:   UNACCEPTABLE!  Starfleet will never allow that!

Ferengi:  And I also intend to put its Captain to a slow death!

Picard:   Very well.  Carry on, Daimon.  I'm very sorry to take up 
          your time.  Ensign.  Set course for...

Ferengi:  Not so fast, Captain.  I also intend to capture and sell 
          YOUR vessel as well.  

(Ferengi vessel fires upon Enterprise.  Enterprise is rocked.)

Picard:  Damage report, Lieutenant.

Worf:    Shields disabled, weapon systems disabled, warp engines
         offline, impulse engines offline.

Ferengi: As you can see, Pee-card.  I've got quite a few surprises
         up my sleeve.  Now.  What should I do with you puny
         humans?.  (pauses)  I've got it.  Remember when your
         entire crew was turned into cartoon characters?


Picard: How could I forget.

Ferengi: Well, I've got one of those pistols.  Which cartoon should
         I turn you into....the Smurfs?  Tailspin?  the Rescue
         Rangers?  Naah...  I've got it.  I'll turn you all into
         characters from Star Trek:  The Animated Series.

Riker:   That doesn't sound too bad.  I've always wanted to walk in
         James Kirk's shoes.

Worf (under his breath):  Or at least, sleep in his bed.

Data:    I believe you are incorrect, Commander Riker.  Being
         turned into the characters from that series would be
         disastrous.

Riker:   Why is that, Mr. Data?

Data:    In addition to the severe nature of the probable temporal
         distortion that would result, it would be dangerous
         because the television program Star Trek:  The Animated
         Series is not considered canon.

Geordi:  And therefore....  Captain, we'd no longer exist.

Data:    Perhaps, Geordi.  But proponents of a revisionist history
         known in academic circles as "tech fandom" believe that
         Star Trek:  The Animated Series did indeed happen.

Picard:  I see.  Does the Freedonian Air and Space Administration
         agree?

Data:    No, sir.  Those two factions of historians are violently
         opposed to each other.  They only agree on two things.

Riker:   What are those two things, Mr. Data?

Data:    That Captain Picard is bald, and that you, sir, are....

Riker:   Are WHAT?

Data:    That you are as fat as a pregnant Romulan Centurion
         Whale.

Worf:    Sir.  KLINGON whales are much fatter.

Data:    Obviously, Mr. Worf, the Commander is not yet as obese as
         a Klingon whale.  Just a Romulan whale.  However, if he
         continues to consume food like a giant Girrellian dung
         serpent, he will be.

Picard:  There's nothing like relaxing with a good book and a nice 
         tall, cool Romulan whale.


(Riker glares at Picard.)

Picard:  Sorry, Will.

Ferengi:  ENOUGH!  I've decided what to do with you.

Picard:   What?

Ferengi:  I'm going to do nothing.  I'm just going to sit here and
          wait for another ship to try to rescue you.  Pretty soon,
          I'll have a good sized fleet.

Riker:    That's a relief.

Ferengi:  No, no, no, no, no.  That's too painless.  I've got to do
          SOMETHING.  I know.  I 'm going to make you talk to your
          other ship.

Riker:    NO!!!!!

Picard:   How could you????

Ferengi:  It's been fun, Pee-card.  But I really must be going.  

(Ferengi closes channel.)

Worf:     The jamming field has been lifted.  Sir, the Tallyho is
hailing us.

Riker:    Ignore them, Lieutenant.

Data:     If I may, Sir, I would suggest that if we co-operate, we
might have a greater chance of defeating this Ferengi.

Worf:     I would rather side with the Ferengi!

Riker:    I agree with Worf, sir.  We just can't trust Captain
Bla...

Picard (interrupting):   We all know that the Captain of the
Tallyho is an...  an... what was it that I said, Mr. Data.

Data:     I believe you described him as conceited, arrogant,
pompous, pig-headed, overbearing, and a general pain in the ass.

Picard:   Thank you.   Even though he is what Commander Data just
said, he still is a Captain in Starfleet.  And we, as Starfleet
officers, are sworn to work together in times of need.

(The two ensigns at the science stations remove their
communicators, throw them on the ground, and storm off of the
bridge. quite vulgarly announcing their resignations in the
process.)


Worf:    The Tallyho is hailing us again, sir.

Picard:  May the gods forgive us for what we are about to do.  Mr.
Worf.   Onscreen!

(the viewscreen shows the bridge of the Tallyho.  At the con is a
human with long, dark, unwashed hair, and a definite five o'clock
shadow.  To the right of the Captain, in the first officers chair,
is a tall man with a skinny head and slicked-back yellow hair.  In
the Counsellor's chair, is another man with a small moustache and
short, brown hair.  In the captain's chair is a short British man
with curly black hair.  He stands to speak.)

Captain of Tallyho:   This is the H.M.S. Tallyho.  Captain Edmund
Blackadder, at your service.

(Astonished look on Enterprise bridge crew.  Suspenseful music,
like at end of BOBW 1....)

End of Act 1.

Commercial:

(Mark Lenard is standing in front of a 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass
Ciera)

Lenard:   The 1992 Olds Cutlass Ciera.  A most practical, logical
          car, for practical, logical people.

(a 1992 Achieva drives up beside.  Leanord Nimoy gets out.)

Nimoy:    Introducing the all new Oldsmobile Achieva.  For people
          who like to have FUN when they drive, and want to escape
          the drudgery of just existing.

Lenard:   Both cars are brand new from Oldsmobile.  So whether you
          are a practical, logical person, or a primitive, 
          emotional, barbaric half-human, Oldsmobile has the
          perfect car for you!

Nimoy:    The 1992 Oldsmobiles.  A car line for anybody, even those
          with cold, mechanical, robot-like personalities.

Lenard:   You are being QUITE illogical.

Nimoy:    Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.  

Lenard:   Oh yeah?  You wishy-washy, namby-pamby bleeding heart 
          terran...

Nimoy:    You stubborn, arrogant, fool!  McCoy was right.  You
          Vulcans ARE damn annoying!

Lenard:   You have the intellect of a Klingon!  I should have left
          you on Regula!

(they start to fight.)

Chorus:   This is not.... your Father's Oldsmobile...

(they give each other simultaneous Vulcan Death Grips, and both
collapse to the floor)

Chorus:   ...this is the New Generation... of OLDS!!

End of Commercial:

Act Two:

Picard:  This is Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S.  Enterprise.  We are
here to rescue you.

First Officer:  Well, what are you waiting for?  Rescue us.

Blackadder:  It appears, Commander George, that Captain Picard can
no more rescue us than grow a head of hair.  Good thing, too.  It
would be positively revolting to be rescued by someone with an
affinity for eating snails.  Captain.  Allow me to introduce my
bridge crew.  This is Commander George to my right, ship's
counsellor Darling to my left, Lieutenant Percy at tactical, and at
the helm is Ensign Baldrick.

Picard:      Well, sir.  Allow me to introduce mine.  This is
Commander William Riker.  At ops is Lt. Commander Data, and at the
con is Ensign Ro Lauren.  At tactical is Lt. Worf.  At the
engineering station is Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge.  And at the
Environmental station is Ensign Martia Expendable.

Blackadder:  Swell.  A Captain who's a frog, a first officer who's
             a bloody Yank, a second officer who's a Swede, and a 
             tactical officer who's a... what are you, Lieutenant? 
             Chinese?

Worf:        I am KLINGON!

George:      A Klingon, sir?  Gee.  I don't remember colonizing
             them.

Blackadder:  I'm sure they were part of the British Empire at some
             time, Commander.  He does look remotely civilized.  
             Not that being British has helped Baldrick.

Baldrick:    Suh,  Ah think Ah'm a Klingon too.

Blackadder:  Baldrick, the last time you thought anything, old King
             George said 'I'll up their taxes a bit, twon't trouble
             them at all.'  Look what happened then.

Baldrick:    Whot did happen, suh?

Blackadder:  Oh, never mind.

Picard:      So tell me, Captain.  What was the U.S.S. Tallyho
             doing way out here?

Blackadder:  The **H.M.S.** Tallyho was on a mission of utmost
             importance.

Picard:      H.M.S. Tallyho? 

Data:        I believe the letters H.M.S. stand for His or Her
             Majesty's Ship, Captain, referring to the royalty of
             the Earth nation of Great Britain.

Blackadder:  It looks like at least one of your pitiful crew is
             civilized, Captain.  That is correct, Commander.  We
             are out here for King and Country.

Riker:       King and Country?  What about the rest of the 
             Federation?

Blackadder:  As far as I'm concerned, they can jolly well bugger
             off.

Picard:      I must remind you, Captain.  The Earth nation of
             Britain no longer exists, nor does its royal family.

Blackadder:  Pish-posh.  As long as there is an heir, there will
             always be a royal family.  Commander Data.  Scan 
             Starfleet records for the individual who is next in
             succession for the British throne.

Data:        Accessing.  According to Starfleet records, the
             reigning monarch of Great Britain is one Latifah
             Jackson of Brooklyn Heights, New York.

Blackadder:  Excellent.  Tell me, Commander.  Does she have a
             consort?

Data:        According to Starfleet records, she is not married.

Blackadder:  Bugger.  I suppose that Queen Latifah does not have an
             heir, then.

Data:        On the contrary, Captain.  She does have an heir.

Blackadder:  Jolly well, then!

Data:        Seventeen of them, to be precise.

Blackadder:  Is one of them a prince?

Data:        Yes, Captain.  Her second born child is a prince.

George:      I was a prince once, sir.  It was quite fun.

Blackadder:  I know, Commander.  If there was any time during the
             entire history of Great Britain that I would have
             desired a republic, that was it.

Picard:      It seems, Captain, that we have more important matters
             to discuss than the British royalty.

Blackadder:  Nonsense.  What could be more important than that?

Picard:      How about rescuing ourselves from this Ferengi, and
             getting the hell out of here?

Percy:       That sounds like a good idea.

Blackadder (under his breath):  No wonder the Germans took Paris so
             easily.  (Out loud.)  What do you propose that we do,
             Captain?

Picard:      I know this will be difficult for all of us, but...
             but...   I propose we work together.

Riker:       You can't be serious, Captain.

Blackadder:  Surely, Captain Picard, you don't expect me to stoop
             so low as to ally with a snail-eater who greets
             strangers by ramming his tongue down their throats, do
             you?

Picard:      You did in World War II.

Blackadder:  I suppose you're right.  But only because that Hitler
             was a particularly nasty fellow.  (pauses)  And a lot
             of help you were, I might add.

Picard:      Do you have any other ideas, Captain?

Blackadder:  Just a bloody moment.  I'm thinking.

(channel is closed.)
 
George:      I've got it, sir.  

Blackadder:  Got what?

George:      An idea, sir.

Blackadder:  Oh, swell.  (pauses)  Well, out with it, Commander.

George:      I say we fight, sir.  Like good Englishmen.

Blackadder:  Fight, Commander?  Our weapons have been destroyed and
             our shields are down.  With what do you propose to   
             fight?

George:      Why, with our wits, sir.

Blackadder:  I'm afraid, Commander George, that our weapons would
             be more effective.  Without me, there wouldn't be
             enough wits aboard this ship to outsmart a crumpet.

Baldrick:    Ah have an ahdea, suh.

Blackadder:  Baldrick, it is far more likely that you would have a
             baby than have an idea.  What is your idea?

Baldrick:    Ah say we faight, suh.

Blackadder:  Ensign.  Why did we just discard Commander George's
idea?

Baldrick:    B'cause it wos stupid, suh.

Blackadder:  And Baldrick.  Just what was the Commander's idea?

Baldrick:    That we faight, suh.

Blackadder:  And what was your idea?

Baldrick:    That we faight, suh.

Blackadder:  Could we conclude, Ensign, that you and Commander
             George had the same idea?

Baldrick:    Ah suppose, suh.

Blackadder:  And what does that say about your idea, Baldrick?

Baldrick:    Uh....  That it's stupid, suh.

Blackadder:  If I didn't know any better, Baldrick, I'd take your
             occasional flashes of mediocrity to mean that
             somewhere between those ears of yours, there might
             just possibly exist a piddling of brains.  But since
             I do know better, I guess we'll have to mark it up as
             further evidence of the chaotic nature of the
             universe.  (pauses)  Do you have any ideas, Darling?

Darling:    Yes, sir, I do.

Blackadder: And what would that be, Counsellor?

Darling:    That we go over there and pooh-pooh them, sir.

Blackadder: (pauses) I see.  Any others?

Percy:      I know, Captain.  I think we should surrender.

Blackadder (strolls back to tactical station.):  Lieutenant.

Percy:      Yes?

Blackadder: First, we already did surrender, remember.  Second, why
            is it that any time we get in a spot, you want to
            surrender?

Percy:      (thinks)  To stay alive?

Blackadder: Well, Lieutenant.  If I were you, I would seriously
            reconsider that line of reasoning.  

George:     Sir, I've got another idea.

Blackadder: And what would that be?

George:     That we send Baldrick onto the top of the ship to throw
            turnips at the Ferengi vessel.

Blackadder (smiling):  Now that idea shows some promise, Commander. 
           Any objections?

Baldrick:   Suh?

Blackadder: What, ensign?

Baldrick:   Ah don't lahke thot ahdea, suh!

Blackadder: And why not?

Baldrick:   Cos theh's no air in space, suh!

Baldrick:   I suppose you're right.  (pauses)  Very well.  I
            guess you'll just have to hold your breath then.

Percy:      Unfortunately, Captain, ships inventory shows we are 
            out of turnips, and the replicator has been disabled.

Blackadder: Blast.  Anyone else?

(no answer)

Blackadder: Hail the Enterprise.

George:     On viewer, sir.

Blackadder: Well, Captain Picard.  It appears that we have no ideas
over here.  Are you having any better luck?

Picard:     Unfortunately, Captain, we are not.  The only idea that
            made any sense at all came from Lieutenant Worf.

Blackadder: And what would that be, Lieutenant?

Worf:       That we FIGHT, sir.

George:     That has to be the STUPIDEST idea I have ever heard. 
            Wouldn't you agree, Captain Blackadder?


Blackadder: It may have been stupid idea, George, but it was
            downright ingenious compared with yours.

George:     Pardon me, sir?

Blackadder: Your plan was the stupidest since General Custer said
            "I'm feeling a might chipper this morning.  I think we
            ought to charge the bloody bastards."

Picard:     It's unfortunate that Wesley Crusher isn't on board the
            Enterprise.  I'm sure he'd figure a way out of this
            mess.

Blackadder: And who, may I ask, is this Wesley Crusher?

Picard:     A former officer of mine.  He is the smartest ensign in
            Starfleet.

Baldrick:   Ah'm the dumbest ensign in Stah-fleet, suh.

Blackadder  (sighing):  How true... (pauses)  Wesley Crusher.  You
            wouldn't be talking of Nerd Face at the Academy, would
            you Captain?

Riker:      Nerd Face?

Blackadder: Commander.  Everyone in Starfleet knows about Ensign
            Nerd Face.  Why, just last week I spoke to Admiral
            Generic, although when I spoke to him he held the rank
            of Lieutenant Commander.  Right after Crusher ratted on
            that cadet named Lacarno, the entire senior class gave
            him swirlies.  And you should have seen what they did
            next, with the tribbles.  

Picard:     To be honest, I hadn't heard about the tribbles,
            Captain. 

(pause)

George:     And tell us about that counsellor of yours.  What was
            her nickname, Captain Blackadder?  Counsellor Cleavage?

Blackadder: Ah yes.  I've always wanted to meet her.  Captain. 
            Could you possibly arrange a meeting between us?

Picard:     I would, Captain, except she is already enamored with
            my first officer.

(Riker gets a big grin on his face)

Darling:    Then it seems, sir, we have a lot in common.

Blackadder: What are you saying, Darling?

Darling:    I was saying, sir, that I have a lot in common with the
            Enterprise's counsellor.

Blackadder: Like what?

Darling:    Well, sir.  We're both ship's counsellors, we're both
            very beautiful, we're both completely useless
            otherwise, and we're both, ahhhhhhh.....

Blackadder: Two out of three so far.  What else are you going to
            say, Darling?

Darling:    Ahhhh....  and we both like the Enterprise's first
            officer, sir.

Riker:      Wait a minute.  I don't understand here.


Darling:    What don't you understand, Willllll?

Riker:      What I don't understand, Darling...

Darling:    Ohhhhh.  I love to hear you talk to me like that.

Riker:      What I don't understand, is that YOU'RE a man, and I'M
            a man.  How can it ever work?  (pauses)  Oh.  I get
            it!!!

Darling:    You do??????

Riker:      Of course I do.  It's so obvious.  You're J'naii.  Or
            perhaps you're Yenrabi!!!

Darling:    Yenrabi???

Riker:      You know, Yenrabi?  A native of the planet K'narf
            Yenrab IV?

Darling:    Sir, what's K'narf Yenrab IV?

Blackadder (quietly): A planet full of pooves, Darling.

George:     Then he must be Yenrabi, sir.

Data:       I believe that is an incorrect assumption, Commander.

George:     Why?

Data:       Although it is extremely well-written, the short story
            "A Subtle Distinction" by some Trekkie who should stop
            writing useless Star Trek fiction and get a life, is
            not considered canon.

Darling:    Bugger.  I sort of liked the idea of telling people
            that I was Yenrabi.

Blackadder: I'll agree, Darling, that it certainly sounds better
            than telling people that you are a fruitcake.  

George:     Might have kept him from being thrown out of Starfleet
            ROTC, too.

Data:       Excuse me, sir.  Counsellor Darling does not appear to
            resemble a yuletide Earth delicacy filled with citron-
            preserved fruit, and what would that have to with his
            expulsion from the Starfleet ROTC program?

Picard:     Never mind, Mr. Data.  (pauses)  Geordi.  What are the
            status of our systems?

Geordi:     Not good, captain.  It will take several hours to fix
            warp drive, and we won't have weapons or shields for
            several days.  The artificial gravity stabilizers are
            still damaged, and could malfunction at any time.

Picard:     Damn.  How is your ship, Captain Blackadder?

Blackadder: Warp engines, shields, and weapons are down, and worst
            of all, the replicators aren't functioning, and it's
            almost tea time.  I suggest we adjourn for a few
            minutes, and think of a way to get out of this bloody
            mess.

Picard:     Agreed.   (viewscreen shuts off.)

George:     Well, Captain.  What exactly ARE we going to do?

Blackadder: I don't know yet, Commander.  But I do know one thing.
            We're going to escape.  And, we're going to leave the
            Enterprise, and Captain Louie, here with the Ferengi...
            Forever!!!!


(Closeup of evil grin on Blackadder's face...)

End of Act 2:

Commercial:

(White background.  Blue Sterling takes up right half of screen. 
Rowan Atkinson (the actor who plays Blackadder, for those of you
who don't know) is standing in front of it.)

Atkinson:   Hullo.  We are proud to introduce the 1991 Sterling,
            one of the finest luxury automobiles in the world.  The
            Sterling features everything one would want in an
            automobile, including a 4.0 liter V-8, an automatic
            overdrive transmission, anti-lock brakes, and most
            important of all, right hand drive.

(hear sound of marching band warming up.)

Atkinson:   What in the DEVIL is that bloody racket?  Anyway, for
            you Yanks, we make a model for you.  It will have all
            of the same features, but it won't have right hand
            drive.  

(Band get louder, starts playing drum rolls.  Hear truck engine
revving up)

Atkinson:   Of course if you really wanted right hand drive, we
            could get it for you, but we at Sterling don't
            recommend it.  After all.  Everyone else in the States
            would still drive on the wrong side of the street.

(Marching band gets louder, starts playing Star Spangled Banner. )

Atkinson:  What is that BLASTED noise?  (regains composure.)
           Sterling.  A civilized car, for civilized people.  And
           Americans too.

(marching band playing Star Spangled enters screen from left.  Band
is led by modified Chevy monster truck.)

Atkinson:  What the HELL????  This is supposed to be a Sterling
           commercial!!  Get that thing out of here!!!

(monster truck runs over Sterling, crushing it like tin can.  Band
marches over what's left of truck.)

Atkinson:  CUT!!!!  THAT'S NOT IN THE BLOODY SCRIPT!.....


Act 3:

(Enterprise bridge, as before.)

Blackadder:  Well, Captain?  Do you have any suggestions?

Picard:      Unfortunately, I don't.

Blackadder::  As I suspected.  Its a shame that Captain Kirk is not
             here.  He'd know what do to.

Picard (annoyed):  Oh?

Expendable:  It's true, sir.  My great-grandfather served with
             Captain Kirk.  And boy, was he proud to do so!

Picard:      Really, Ensign Expendable?  I never knew that.  What
             was his name?

Expendable:  He was Yeoman John Q. Red-Shirt, sir.

Picard:      I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, Ensign.
             (pauses)  I will agree, Captain, that Captain Kirk's
             advice would be welcome.  But I do believe we can
             figure this out on our own.  

Blackadder:  Fiddlesticks, Captain.  Kirk was the greatest Captain
             in Starfleet, myself excepted.  If I didn't know any
             better, I would suspect that he was British.

Picard:      How so? 

Blackadder:  Simple, Captain.  Just think of all the important
             things Captain Kirk has done in his illustrious
             career.  He has explored several star systems!  He has 
             saved England, and the rest of the bloody planet, from
             annilihation several times.  He single-handedly saved
             the Khitomer Conference from failure!  He even broke
             the Great Barrier and tried to pay a visit to God
             himself! 

Picard (pissed off):  Only because his first officer's bastard
                      half-brother hijacked the damn ship!!!  And
                      besides!  What he found beyond the barrier
                      was most definitely NOT God!

Data:        I'm afraid you are both incorrect.

Picard:      Why?

Data:        Because, sir, the motion picture Star Trek V:  The
             Final Frontier is not considered canon.

Riker:       It's not?  IT'S NOT?!?!?!?  In that case, if we get
             out of this mess, drinks are on ME!!!!

Blackadder:  Ah.  Nothing like a good ale at the pub back home.

Picard:      Surely, Captain, you must be joking.  My brother,
             however, makes some excellent wine at his vineyard
             back in France.

Blackadder:  Sour, without a doubt.  At any rate, I believe that we
             should consider this question.  What would Kirk do in
             this situation?

Picard:     Most likely go seduce the Ferengi commander.

Blackadder: That's it!  I have an idea!

Baldrick:   Whot's that, Captain?  Are you going t' send Captain
            Kirk over t' seduce the Ferengi commander?

Blackadder: Of course not, Ensign.  Captain Kirk isn't here.
            Besides.  Even if he were here, he's quite dead, I 
            assure you.

Darling:    Maybe the Daimon likes dead starship captains.

Blackadder: I doubt it, Counsellor.  Especially considering the
            many diseases that killed Captain Kirk.  
 
George:     So, Captain.  Who are you going to send?

Blackadder: Actually, Commander, I thought I would send you.

George:     Me, sir?

Blackadder: Yes, you.  You know that whenever I get into a bit of
            difficulty, I always send you in dressed as a woman.

George:     (pauses)  Well, I suppose you're right, Captain.

Blackadder: Of course I'm right.  All we have to do is repair our
            ships, and when we're ready, we send in Commander
            George dressed as a female Ferengi.

Riker:      There's only one problem with that plan, Captain
            Blackadder.

Blackadder: Nonsense.  What could go wrong?

Riker:      Ferengi women don't wear clothes.  If Commander George
            were to dress as a Ferengi female, they would be able
            to tell easily that he's neither Ferengi nor female.

Blackadder (under his breath):  Or at least not Ferengi.

Darling:    Sir.  I would like to volunteer myself for this
            mission.

Blackadder: You'd risk your life to save the rest of us, Darling? 
            How noble.

Darling:    No, sir.  I'd risk my life because that Ferengi isn't
            bad looking at all, Captain.

Blackadder: Unfortunately, Darling, you don't look like a Ferengi
            either.  And I most certainly don't look like a
            Ferengi.  And none of your crew does either, Picard.
            Who, do you suppose, could pass for a Ferengi?

(everyone stares at Baldrick)

Baldrick:   Whot, me suh?

Blackadder: Ensign Baldrick.  How would you like to go on a very
            important mission for king and country?


Baldrick:   'Course Ah would, suh.

Blackadder: Excellent, Ensign.  Your job, Baldrick, is to transport
            over to the Ferengi vessel, and make friends with the
            Daimon.

Baldrick:   But suh.  Ah don't look like a Ferengi.

Blackadder: True.  But you don't look like a human either, or any
            other recognizable life form for that matter.  I'm
            sure, once the Daimon has ruled out everything else,
            that he'll have no other choice but to conclude that
            you, Ensign, are a beautiful Ferengi maiden.

Darling:    If I were Ferengi, I'd certainly think so, sir.

Picard:     That's an excellent plan, Captain Blackadder.  And once
            the Daimon has been rendered helpless, we can repair
            our systems and get out of here.  I see only one
            problem, Captain.

Blackadder: And what would that be, Picard?

Picard:     We may be forced to leave Baldrick behind.

Blackadder: I assure you, Captain.  That isn't really much of a
            problem.

Picard (thinks):      Then it's agreed.  We'll let you know as soon
                      as we repair our warp drive.  Then we can put
                      our plan in action.

Blackadder: Very well, then.  Tallyho out.  (viewscreen shuts off.)

(Picard's ready room.  Picard is there, reading a book.)

(door chimes.)

Picard:   Come.

(Riker enters.)

Riker:    Permission to speak freely, sir.

Picard:   Of course, Number One.

Riker:    Sir, I don't think we should trust Captain Blackadder.

Picard:   Why not, Commander?

Riker:    Because he's cunning, devious, immoral, obnoxious,...

(door chimes again.)

Picard:   Just a minute, Will.  Come.

(Data enters.)

Picard:   What can I do for you, Commander Data?

Data:     Sir.  After analyzing the situation, I do not believe
that trusting Captain Blackadder is a wise course of action.

Picard:   Why is that, Mr. Data.

Data:     Because, sir.  His service record indicates a total
          disregard for Starfleet policy and directives.  In      
          addition to that, he appears to be cunning, devious,    
          immoral...

(bell chimes again.)

Picard (irritated):  Come.

(Worf enters.)

Picard:   Yes, Lieutenant?

Worf:     Sir, we cannot trust him!

Picard:   And why not, Mr. Worf.

Worf:     Because, Captain, he has no honor.  He is cunning and
          devious!

Picard:   Yes, yes, I've heard that.

(chimes again.)

Picard:   Come.

(Ensign Ro and Ensign Expendable enter)

Picard:   What do you want, Ensign?

Ro:       Sir, you cannot trust that Captain Ballcrusher.

Picard:   Blackadder.

Ro:       Whatever.  Would you trust me in this situation?

Picard:   What kind of question is that, Ensign?  Of course I
          wouldn't trust you.  You're a miserable excuse for a
          Starfleet officer.

Ro:       Well, so is Captain Limesucker.

Picard, Worf, Riker, Data:  Blackadder.

Ro:       Whatever.  Anyway, he is just as bad as I am, if not
          worse.  In addition to that, he is cunning...

Picard:   Yes, yes, yes.  And what do you have to say about it,
          Ensign Expendable?

Expendable:    It doesn't matter to me, sir.

Picard:   It doesn't?

Expendable:    Of course not, sir.  I'm going to die anyway.  Why
               should I care?

Picard:   Of course you're not going to die, Ensign.

Expendable:    Yes, I am, sir.  Every time something like this
               happens, I end up dead!  Just like my great-
               grandfather!!! (starts sobbing)

Picard:        Now, now, Ensign.  (puts hand around her, comforts
               her.)  
(chime)

Picard:   Come?

(Geordi enters)

Picard:   I suppose you're going to tell me we shouldn't trust
          Captain Blackadder.

Geordi:   No, sir.  I was going to tell you that we've restored
          impulse and warp drive.

Picard:   Good.

Geordi:   But if you want my advice, Captain, I'd blow that
          Blackadder fellow right out of the galaxy.  

Picard:   Advice noted, Commander.  (pause.)  Wait a minute.  Who
          is on the bridge?

(everybody looks around.  All realize at once that entire bridge
crew is in Picard's ready room.)

All:      Uhh...  Uh...  Wha...?

(All rush out and man their stations.  Picard waits a minute, then
follows.)

Worf:     Sir.  The Tallyho is hailing us.

Picard:   Onscreen.

(Tallyho bridge appears.  Same crew is there, Ensign Baldrick sans
clothes.  His long, filthy hair has been combed down in front of
his "thingy", to hide any evidence of his masculinity.)

Blackadder:  Here is my brilliant plan.  I am providing Ensign
             Baldrick with this little transmitter device.  When he
             has safely "befriended" the Ferengi Daimon, he will
             activate it, and we then will have time to leave the
             planet's gravity and warp out of here.
  
George:      And after that, sir, is when we open fi...

Blackadder:  (interrupting): And after that, Commander George, we
             open five or six bottles of ale to celebrate our vict,
             er, escape.

Picard:      Are you sure that will work, Captain?

Blackadder:  Don't be silly, Picard.  Of course it will work
             splendidly.  Ensign.  Are you ready?

Baldrick:    Ah'm ready, suh.

Blackadder:  Splendid.  Commander.  Hail the Ferengi Vessel.

George:      Onscreen.

(Ferengi bridge shows up.)

Ferengi:     What do you want?

Blackadder:  Oh most gracious Daimon.  Please accept our present to
             you.  (points to Baldrick)  A beautiful Ferengi
             maiden!

Baldrick:    (in normal voice.)  'Ello.  (Blackadder kicks him.
             Baldrick switches to falsetto voice.)  'Ello.

Ferengi:     That is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!

Ferengi first officer:  But she doesn't look Ferengi, sir.  She
                        doesn't even look like a woman.

Ferengi second officer:  She looks like the Federation vessel's
                         helmsman!

Ferengi:       Nonsense.  Have you no concept of beauty?  of Love?
               Of Passion?  Romance?

Ferengi first officer:   You mean you're going to keep her--as your
                         MATE????

Ferengi Daimon:     Of course, Commander.  She is quite a PRIZE!

Ferengi first officer:   But Daimon.  You're already married...


Ferengi Daimon:     Irrelevant.

Ferengi first officer:   ...to my SISTER!!!

Daimon:             Don't worry, Commander, you can keep your rank.
                    Beam that beautiful, uh, woman over here
                    IMMEDIATELY!!!

Blackadder:  Commander.  Escort Ensign Bal.. er, this beautiful
             Ferengi maiden to the transporter room immediately.

George:      Aye, sir.  (Baldrick and George leave Bridge)

(Ferengi closes channel.)

Blackadder:  See, Picard.  My plan is perfect.  In a few hours, you
             will be dining in Paris.  Just like the Germans were
             in 1940.

Picard:      I just hope this works, Captain Blackadder.          
             Enterprise out.

(viewscreen shuts off.)

(Enterprise bridge, as before.  Everyone at their proper station.)

Riker:       I'll say, Captain.  I did notice a resemblance between
             Ensign Baldrick and the Ferengi commander.  They may
             have a happy life together.

Picard:      Not if I can do anything about it, Commander.  I am
             going to rescue him.

Riker:       Rescue him?

Picard:      I will not surrender any Starfleet personnel to that
             Ferengi, Number One.  Ensign Baldrick may be an ugly,
             stupid, foul-smelling, ignorant, uncivilized,
             barbaric, limesucking, degenerate Cockney bastard, but
             he is a Federation citizen and a Starfleet officer!
             I cannot, and will not, allow him to be taken
             prisoner, to be a war bride to a damn Ferengi!

Riker:       What if it were Captain Blackadder, sir?

Picard:      Why, then I'd get the noble Daimon a nice wedding
             gift.  Bridge to Transporter Room One.

O'Brien:     O'Brien here, sir.

Picard:      Chief O'Brien.  Have you locked onto Ensign Baldrick's
             signal?

O'Brien:     Got it, sir.  

Picard:      Good.  When we leave orbit, transport Ensign Baldrick
back to the Enterprise.

O'Brien:     Aye, sir.

Picard:      Picard out.  Now all we have to do is wait.

(alarm beep chimes at engineering station.)

Geordi:      Uh-oh, Captain.  Looks like we've got a problem.

Picardd:     What is it, Commander?

Geordi:      Sir, the artificial gravity stabilizers are down.

Picard:      Yellow alert.

(Bridge of Tallyho.)

Blackadder:  Blackadder to Chief Engineer.

Engineer:    Chief Engineer Winston here, sir.

Blackadder:  Have you disabled the Enterprise's artificial gravity
             stabilizers, Winston?

Engineer:    Yes, sir.

Blackadder:  Excellent.  Without their gravity stabilization
             fields, their engines are useless!  My brilliant plan
             is working... (Evil laugh)

End of Act 3:

Commercial:

(Again, a white Background.  This time, there is a 1992 Geo Metro
on the screen.  Standing next to it is William Shatner.)

Shatner:    Hello.  I'm....  William....  SHATNER!   And this is...
            this is... the 1992 Geo... (walks around to back, reads
            model name off of back of car.)  Metro.  It is a
            very.....  GOOD! car.   (Walks around to front again.) 
            The 1992 Geo, er, what was it...

Prompter (whispering):  Metro!

Shatner:    Metro, that's right.  Anyway, the Geo....  Geo....
            anyway, this car... gets... gets an amazing FIFTY-
            THREE!!! miles per gallon.  And it only
            costs...costs....  What does it cost?

Director:   CUT!!!!!

Cameraman:  Cut!!!!

Shatner:    What's going on????

Director:   GET HIM OFF THE SET!!!!!

Shatner:    But I'm the star of T.J. Hooker!  I'm the host of
            Rescue 911!  I'm a STAR!!!  Why, I'll...

(a giant hook reaches from off the screen, grabs Shatner by the
neck, and yanks him off the set.  His toupee falls off and slowly
floats to the ground.)

Director:   Who the HELL told him that he can act?

Cameraman:  I have no idea.  Must be one of those tourists...

Act Four:

(Bridge of Enterprise, as before.)

Riker:      What do you mean, artificial gravity stablilizers are
            down?  We're not floating away.

Geordi:     Artificial Gravity itself still works, Commander.  But
            without the stabilizers, the gravitational field cannot
            compensate for changes in the ship's mass distribution.

Picard:     What does that mean, Mr. Laforge?

Geordi:     What it means, Captain, that any major changes in the
            ship's mass distribution will cause this ship to tilt
            like a see-saw.  That's no problem while we're standing
            still.  But if we try to move, it could...

Riker:      Could WHAT?

Geordi:     The resulting stresses could tear the ship apart!

Picard:     You mean we're STUCK HERE, Commander?

Geordi:     'Fraid so, Captain.  At least until we can get the
            systems repaired.  And that will take several hours, at
            least.  (taps communicator)  Commander Laforge to
            Lieutenant Barkeley.

Barkeley:   Y-y-yes, commander?

Geordi:     Have you determined the cause of the gravitational
            stabilizer failure?

Barkeley:   It app-p-pears to be sabotage, sir.

Geordi:     Do you have any idea who?  Are there any clues?


Barkeley:   N-n-no, sir.  But there are sure a lot of t-t-tea bags
            lying around here.

Geordi:     Tea bags?

Picard and Riker:  BLACKADDER!

Picard:  (walks around bridge.)  If I ever get my hands on that no
            good...

Riker:      It wouldn't look good, Captain.  I suggest you let me
            handle it.

Picard:     What do you mean, Commander.

Riker:      I'm going to beam over there right now and teach him a
            thing or two...  (starts walking towards turbolift.)

(As soon as Riker gets about one meter away from his chair, the
entire vessel tips to the right, due to the large change in mass
distribution (think about it ;} ).  Ensign Expendable is thrown
against a wall and killed.  Everybody else falls on the floor.)

Picard:     Will!

(Ferengi vessel.  Baldrick is being led to Daimon Wayans.  Guards
ring bell to the Daimon's quarters.)

Daimon:     Come!

(Guards and Baldrick enter.)

Guard #1:   Presenting a gift from the U.S.S.  Tallyho!

Guard #2:   A beautiful...  Ferengi Maiden.  Yeech!

Daimon:     My sweet...  My darling...

Baldrick:   Counsellor?  Are you theh, suh?

Daimon:     You are even more beautiful than I imagined, my swamp
            rose!  Come, and be my queen!  Come, and rub my BIG,
            BEAUTIFUL ears...   (pauses, turns to guards.)  What
            are you looking at?  GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

(Guards leave.  Door closes.)

(Enterprise.  Bridge, as before.  In other words, tilted about 30
degrees.)

Picard:     Commander!

Riker:      What?

Picard:     Go back the other way, Number One.

(Riker walks about two meters to the left.  The Enterprise tilts
the other way.)

Data:       Intriguing.

Ro:         Cool!

Riker:      Hey!  This is fun!

(starts jumping back and forth.  The Enterprise starts rocking back
and forth.)

Picard:     Enough!!!

(Riker stops.  He is standing to left of his chair, and Enterprise
is tilted in that direction.)

Picard:     Sit down!

(Riker sits down.  Enterprise rights itself.)

Picard:     And stay there!!!!

Troi (over communicator):  Troi to Captain Picard.

Picard:     Go ahead, Counsellor.

Troi:       Captain...  I JUST FELT SOMETHING!

Picard:     What?

Troi:       I sense...  GREAT PAIN!  And AGONY!!!

Picard:     Do you know what it is, Counsellor?

Troi:       It felt like...  it felt like I flew out of my bed and
            hit my head against the bulkhead, Captain.

Picard:     Well, go to sickbay, Counsellor.  Geordi.  What
            happened?

Geordi:     It appears, Captain, that Commander Riker's moving
            around caused a major shift in the ship's mass.  

Picard:     Interesting.  Commander Data.  Scan Starfleet records
            for any other incidents like this.

Data:       Processing.  Captain.  Approximately one hundred years
            ago, a similar thing happened to an early three-person
            science vessel, the U.S.S. Swinetrek, commanded by
            Captain Link Hogthrob.  Apparently, the Swinetrek's
            first officer, a Commander Piggy, suffered the same
            malady as Commander Riker.

Riker:      And what was that?

Data:       She was a disgusting fat slob, sir.

Picard:     I see.  What did the crew of the Swinetrek do, Mr.
            Data?

Data:       Unknown, sir.

Picard:     Well, until the artificial gravity is repaired, Will,
            don't you dare move a muscle!!!

Riker:      But sir.

Picard:     No buts, commander!

Riker:      But sir...  I've got to use the head!

(Ferengi vessel.  Daimon Wayan's quarters.  Baldrick is rubbing
Daimon Wayan's ears, like Lwaxana did in (gag) Menage A Troi.)

Daimon:     Oh, my lovecakes, I love you so much.

Baldrick (falsetto):  Oh, Ah love you too, Daimahn.

Daimon:     Will you be my mate?

Baldrick:   Ah will.  Ah will.

Daimon:     I've got to confess something to you, lovemuffin.

Baldrick:   So do Ah.

Daimon:     You go first.

Baldrick:   No, you go fuhst.

Daimon:     No, you go.

Baldrick:   O.K.  Ah'm...  Ah'm...  Ah'm not really a Ferengi,
            Daimahn.  Ah'm th' Tallyho's 'elmsman.

Daimon:     That's all right.

Baldrick:   And Ah was supposed t'seduce you, and 'elp mah ship
            escape.  But Ah love you, now.

Daimon:     I love you, too.

Baldrick:   Ah want t'stay with you forever!

Daimon:     I want you forever, too.

Baldrick:   Then in that case, Ah don't need this bloody
            transmitter.  (Takes transponder out of pocket, throws
            it across room.  It bounces off wall, and activates
            (unbeknownst to either the Daimon or Baldrick.)

Daimon:     I want you!  I LOOOOOVE you!

(Enterprise.  Bridge as before.  Riker is sitting in his chair,
quite uncomfortably.)

Worf:       Captain.  Ensign Baldrick's transponder has activated. 
(pause).  The Tallyho is leaving orbit.

Picard:     Geordi.  What is the status of the repairs?

Geordi:     The engines themselves work fine, Captain, but without
the gravity stabilizers, we're dead in the water.

Riker:      Captain!!!

Picard:     Yes, Will?

Riker:      Sir, I REALLY got to go...

Data:       Commander.  If we had a large weight to stabilize the
gravity field, could we engage our propulsion systems?

Geordi:     But where would you find such a large weight,
Commander?

Riker:      Now, Captain.  PLEAAAASSEE!!!

Geordi:     I read you.  Captain.  Permission to override the
shutdown of the engines.

Picard:     I don't follow you, Geordi.

Geordi:     Sir, Commander Riker is such a fat pig that HE can
            stabilize our gravitational field, just by sitting 
            there!  The ships computer just doesn't know it.  We
            can override the computer, and get the hell out of
            here!

Picard:     Make it so!

(Geordi types a few things at Engineering terminal.  Enterprise
starts to move.)

(Ferengi Vessel.  Baldrick and the Daimon are still being
"affectionate".)

Daimon:    Ohhhh....

(chime.)

Daimon:    Go Away!

First Officer (outside):  But Sir!  The Federation vessels are
ESCAPING!

Daimon:    So what!  Can't you tell I'm BUSY???

First Officer:  But Sir......

Daimon:    GO AWAY!!!!

(Bridge of Enterprise, as before.)

Worf:      Sir.  We are out of the planet's gravity.

Picard:    Bridge to Chief O'Brien.  Are you locked onto Baldrick's
signal?

O'Brien:   Aye, sir.

Picard:    ENERGIZE!!!

Riker (in pain):   Puh-leeaase!!!

Picard:    Just a few more minutes, Will.

O'Brien:   Got him, Sir!

Picard:    Helm!  Set course one oh five mark thirty nine, warp
           eight ENGAGE!

(Ferengi Vessel.  Daimon's quarters.  Baldrick is still rubbing the
Daimon's ears.)

Daimon:   Ahhhh......

(Baldrick beams off of Ferengi vessel.)

Daimon:   Don't stop, honey.  Honey?  HONEY!?!?!?

(looks out spaceport, sees Enterprise warping away.)

(Enterprise.  Bridge, as before.  Chief O'Brien walks in from
turbolift, with Ensign Baldrick, who has been provided with
temporary clothing.  There is a big puddle of liquid on the floor
in front of Riker, who has a BIG smile on his face.)

Worf:     What is that terrible SMELL?

Data:     I believe, Lieutenant, that the Commander has relieved
          himself on the floor.

Worf:     No.  The OTHER smell.

Data:     I believe you must be referring to Ensign Baldrick.

Baldrick: Whot 'appened?  Where am Ah?

Picard:   You're aboard the Enterprise, Ensign.  We've rescued you.

(pause)

Baldrick:  Whot did y'do that for, suh?

Picard:    So you wouldn't have to spend your life with that
           blasted Ferengi.

Baldrick:  But Ah LIKED 'im, suh!

Picard:    And now, we're going to return you to your ship.

Baldrick:  Bugger.

Picard:    Lieutenant.  Is the Tallyho on sensors?

Worf:      Aye, sir.

Picard:    Plot an intercept course, Warp nine.  AND DON'T YOU MOVE
A MUSCLE, WILL!

(pause)

Worf:      Tallyho coming into range.

Picard:    Hail them, Mr. Worf.

Worf:      Hailing frequencies.....  Onscreen.

(Blackadder appears on screen.)

Blackadder: Captain Picard.  What a surprise.

Riker:      I bet.

Picard:     BLACKADDER, YOU LYING, DECEITFUL SNAKE!!!

Blackadder: Now, Captain.  It does not do to make fun of my name
            like that.  What do you want?

Picard:     First, I've come to return your ensign to you.  Chief.
            Take Baldrick to Transporter Room One.

O'Brien:    Aye, sir.

Blackadder: What did you have to go and do a bloody thing like that
            for?

Picard:     And second.  I am going to report this to Starfleet,
            and I am going to have your HEAD on a silver platter!

Blackadder: Sounds like a typical French meal.

Picard:     When I get through with you, Captain, you'll be luck to
            get cargo bay duty on a garbage scow!!!!

Blackadder: Don't threaten me, Picard.  I'll have you know, you
            cannot touch me.  Many, many officers have tried to get
            rid of me before.  But none have been able to succeed.

Data:       That is true, Captain.  Attempting to court-martial
            Captain Blackadder appears to be an act of futility.

Picard:     Damn.

Blackadder: It's really too bad.  Another place, another time, we
            could have been friends.

Picard:     Its not too late, Blackadder!  There's still time.

Blackadder: Unfortunately, Captain, we British are creatures of
            duty.  There is something we must do.

Picard:     Good-bye, Captain.

Blackadder: Good-bye, Picard.

(viewscreen shuts off.  Tallyho warps away....)

Data:       Intriguing.

Picard:     Now where have I heard that speech before?

End Act Four.

Commercial:

(A hill.  On the hill is a Chevy S-10 truck, towing a pile of
bricks.  Worf is standing in front of it.)

Worf:     The Chevy S-10 is the most powerful truck in its class,
and the only truck strong enough for a Klingon.

(The truck is slowly hauling the bricks up the hill.)

Worf:     Here it is, towing over two tons of bricks.  Can your
Ford do that?

(sound of bass drum.  Energizer rabbit enters screen from left.)

Announcer:   Stillllll going!  Nothing outlasts the Energizer!

(Rabbit goes up hill, pushes bricks and truck in front of it. 
Driver of truck slams it into reverse, but to no avail.  Truck's
wheels spin violently and smoke, but rabbit pushes everything off
screen to right.  Worf has an astonished look on his face.)

Announcer:   It keeps on going and going and going....

End of Commercial:

Act Five:

(Bridge.  Same crew, but the "puddle" has been cleaned up.)

Picard (voiceover):  Captain's log, supplemental.  All of the
       Enterprise's systems have been repaired, and we are now
       proceeding on to our next mission.  But I have a feeling
       that no man...that no one on this ship...  will ever forget
       Captain Blackadder.)

Riker:    Well, that was interesting, Captain.

Picard:   I'll say, Number One.  I do think you should lose some
weight, however.

Data:     Captain.  Commander Riker lost about ten pounds on the
floor of the bridge.

Picard:   Understood, Commander.  Well, at least we'll be prepared
if we ever meet Blackadder again.

Data:     I believe that is an incorrect assumption, Captain.

Picard:   Explain.

Data:     It is extremely unlikely that we will ever meet the 
          Tallyho again.

Picard:   Why not?

Data:     Because, Captain.  This Star Trek parody is not
          considered canon.

Riker:    It isn't?

Picard:   Damn.

(Enterprise disappears.)

(Shot of stars.  A voice is heard)

Blackadder (voiceover.):  Space... the FINAL Frontier.  These are
           the voyages of the H.M.S. Tallyho.  Her continuing
           mission--to civilize barbaric new worlds.  To seek out
           new trade routes, and found new colonies.  To boldly go
           where no Englishman has gone before......

(John Williams style version of Blackadder theme...)

                              The End




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