From: bz206@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Joseph Hack)
Newsgroups: rec.music.gdead
Subject: Re: Dave Barry slams Neil...
Date: 11 Nov 1992 05:50:37 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Reply-To: bz206@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Joseph Hack)
NNTP-Posting-Host: hela.ins.cwru.edu


In a previous article, pkemp@byron.u.washington.edu (Paul Kemp) says:

>
>Hey, check out Clari.feature.dave_barry...

For those of you unfortunate enough not to have access to Clari-net,
fear not.   The greatest of the great Net-Gods is coming to your rescue.

(FYI, I know Dave Barry personally, so don't fret about reading
copyrighted material, he said it is ok.)

              ROCK BOTTOM
              by Dave Barry
              November 8, 1992

   In a recent column I noted that certain songs are always getting
played on the radio despite the fact that these songs have been shown,
in scientific laboratory tests, to be bad.  One example I cited was Neil
Diamond's ballad "I Am, I Said," in which Neil complains repeatedly that
nobody hears him, "not even the chair."  I pointed out that this does not
make a ton of sense, unless Neil has unusually intelligent furniture.
"Mr. Diamond, your Barcalounger is on line two."

   Well, it turns out there are some major Neil Diamond fans out there
in Readerland.  They sent me a large pile of hostile mail with mouth
froth spewing out of the envelope seams.  In the interest of journalistic
fairness.  I will summarize their main arguments here:

   "Dear Pukenose:  "Just who the hell do you think you are to blah
blah a great artist like Neil blah blah more than 20 gold records
blah blah how many gold records do YOU have, you scumsucking wad of
blah blah I personally have attended 1,794 of Neil's of concerts blah
blah What about 'Love on the Rocks?' Huh?  What about 'Cracklin'
Rosie?' blah blah if you had ONE-TENTH of Neil's talent blah blah so I
listened to 'Heart Light' 40 times in a row and the next day the cyst
was GONE and the doctor said he had never seen such a rapid blah blah
What about 'Play Me?' What About 'Song Sung' Blah?  Cancel my
subscription, if I have one."

   So we can clearly see that music is a matter of personal taste.
Person A may have a particular song, such as "Havin' My Baby" by
Paul Anka (who I suspect is also Neil Sedaka), and Person B might love
this song.  But does this mean that Person B is wrong?  Of course not.
It simply means that Person B is an idiot.  Because some songs are just
plain bad, and "Havin' My Baby" is one of them, and another one is
"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown."

   That's not merely my opinion: That's the opinion of many readers who
took time out from whatever they do, which I hope does not involve
operating machinery, to write letters containing harsh remarks about
these and other songs.  In fact, to judge from the reader reaction, the
public is a lot more concerned about the issue of song badness than
about the presidential election campaign (which by the way is over, so
you can turn on your TV again).

   And it's not just the public.  It's also the media.  I put a message
on the Miami Herald's newsroom computer system, asking people to
nominate the worst rock song ever, and within minutes I was swamped
with passionate responses.  And these were from newspaper people, who
are legendary for their cold-blooded non-involvement ("I realize this
is a bad time for you, Mrs. Weemer, but could you tell me how you felt
when you found Mr.  Weemer's head?").  Even the managing editor
responded, arguing that the worst rock song ever was "whichever one led
to the second one."

   Other popular choices were "A Horse With No Name," performed by
America:  "Billy, Don't Be A Hero," by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods;
"Kung Fu Fighting," by Carl Douglas; "Copacabana," by Barry Manilow;
"Me and You and a Dog Named Boo," by Lobo; "Seasons in the Sun," by
Terry Jacks; "Feelings," by various weenies; "Precious and Few" by some
people who make the weenies who sang "Feelings" sound like Ray Charles;
"The Pepsi song," by Ray Charles; "Muskrat Love," by The Captain and
Tennille; every song ever recorded by Bobby Goldsboro; and virtually
every song recorded since about 1972.  "It's worse than ever," is how
my wife put it.  Anyway, since people feel so strongly about this issue,
I've decided to conduct a nationwide survey to determine the worst rock
song ever.  I realize that similar surveys have been done before, but this
one will be unique: this will be the first rock-song survey ever, to my
knowledge, that I'll be able to get an easy column out of.

   So I'm asking you to send me your nominations in two categories:
Worst Overall Song, and Worst Lyrics.  In the second category, for
example, you might want to consider a song I swear I heard back in the
late 1950s, which I believe was called "Girls Grow Up Faster Than Boys
Do." I've been unable to locate the record, but the chorus went:

  Won't you take a look at me now
  You'll be surprised at what you see now
  I'm everything a girl should be now
  Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-FIVE!

I'm sure you can do worse than that.  So write your two nominations
(one song in each category) on a postal card -- NOT a letter -- and sent it to

  Bad Song Survey
  c/o Dave Barry
  The Miami Herald
  1 Herald Plaza
  Miami, FL 33132.

Send your card today.  Be in with the "in" crowd.  We'll have joy, we'll
have fun.  So Cracklin' Rosie, get on board, because Honey, I miss you.
AND your dog named Boo.

--------------------------------

So you heard the man, send in your votes!

Here are my nominations.

For worst overall song - Black Muddy River
for worst song lyrics  - Picasso Moon (this one is an easy winner)

Bigger than a drive-in movie

ooooooooo-eeeeeeeeee

Ugh!
Newsgroups: rec.music.gdead