From: anon.95@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: What is healthy and "normal"?
Date: 4 Jan 1993 13:14:05 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.95@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Responding to Don's post...

Oh, God can I relate to this. The biggest struggle in my life is with
sado-masochistic fantasies and compulsive masturbation.

I think I see some implicit questions there, so let me see if I can put
what I'm thinking in some sort of order. Please note that these are my
opinions only.

First, I do believe my sodo-masochistic feelings came from my upbringing.
Part of it came from inappropriate sexual contact I had (and perhaps that
was the reason why my anger got directed there) but for me the energy
source was the total powerlessness I felt at home, which came not only
from a mentally ill mother but a vicious father and maybe from social
rejection as well. I had no power and the only safe place to act out
those feelings were fantasies of approval and acceptence, then when that
was insufficient, fantasies of me being the innocent victim, finally of
me being the victimizer.

Second, is it wrong? I know that there are other people who will disagree
with me on this, but I think it often (but not necesarily always) is.
I think it depends on the connotation. For me, it is abusive in nature.
On the other hand, I don't consider tickling to be wrong, as long as
my (hypothetical) partner didn't mind (I don't go for it myself); it
has no negative connotations for me, yet of course it can be terribly
abusive as well. I think if it's both parties feel more loved by the
other afterward...um, maybe ok.

For me, the problem is that "innocent" BDSM thoughts feed this part of
me that wants control, the hurting, powerless child inside who wants to
hurt because he's been hurt.

Third, can your thoughts change. Well, I've had several positive experiences,
including a five-month period of total celibacy (I don't believe in
sex outside of marriage, so this was actually *good* news, not bad news 8-) ).
When I was married, I also had some good periods, but there were also
periods where my wife gave in to my interests just to make me happy, resolve
an argument, or to just to make life simpler, despite her intense dislike
of it all. Today, I realize that I was very abusive, and I rue it bitterly
(although it wasn't the cause for the divorce).

One more thing. I found in my marriage that because we weren't in agreement
on sexual practices, acting out became a sort of bargaining chip, a way
to *TEMPORARILY* resolve/paper over differences. That rapidly became
a hellish situation, and harder BDSM practices became justified as a way to
"balance" the books.

Hope this helps. Any flames, please be gentle; I've struggled with this for
20 years. And it doesn't get any more personal for me than this.

TJ


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