From: anon-1241@twwells.com (Goldberry)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ANGRY at my parents *** SPOILER ***
Date: 6 Oct 92 13:13:13 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: no


If you don't want to see anger (towards my parents) today, press
"n" now.  This should not be all too graphic, though (it just did
not turn out that way), but it is intense.  Consider this a
warning.

********************SPOILERS***AHEAD***********************
1 These
2 are
3 just
4 empty
5 lines
6 to
7 make
8 it
9 safe
10 for
11 you
12 to
13 get
14 to
15 the
16 next
17 article
18 with
19 no
20 scary
21 moments
22 or
23 pain.
24 Now there, a screenfull :-)


PARENTAL UNITS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SKULL NOW!!!

You may not believe it yet, but this time trespassers *will* be
prosecuted and anyway this is a real shotgun, so shut up & step
outside real quick.

Good.  Now, sit down, right there, and listen.  I have something
to say that I have wanted to say for a long time and it is
important.  You will not interrupt me this time.


(deep breath)

I hate *hate* !hate! HATE the way you crushed and methologically
grinded to dust all that happy and natural self-love and security
I had as a child.  I hate you for instilling in me the belief
that I was no good for nothing but fulfilling your (AND I MEAN
BOTH OF YOU, MOM, DON'T YOU DARE TURN AWAY!) totally twisted and
cruelly self-centered needs.

You used me.  Over and over and over again, 'till I abandonned my
child within.  She had to sit there totally isolated with just
one ragged doll to play with, left alone in an empty house for
TWENTY-FOUR YEARS!  During that time she did not sleep, not cry,
not really even move, just sat there, too scared and too
depressed to do anything.  Waiting.  Waiting for someone to come
and save her (or to finally kill her), and now that I've arrived
she really doesn't dare to believe in me, or in the protector-
warrior or in the friendly dragon.  She does not know how to feel
safe anymore!  I am ANGRY because of her - she did not deserve it
in any way!

I am truly greatful that I have found her at last, but you had
nothing to do with that.  On the contrary, you both tried, in
millions of small, subtle and big, overt ways to stop me from
knowing the truth about myself - and about you.  You scared,
pushed, manipulated and twisted me into continuing to abuse my
child within, to do your sick work for you.  There are no words
for how extremely ashamed I am for playing along and abandoning
her for so long.  I just barely can say to her that I'm sorry,
and we have a long way to got for internal forgiveness.


All this suffering is your fault.  It is a direct result of your
physical and sexual violence, emotional, spiritual, social and
sexual put-downs, neglect, lack of warmth and empathy, tyranny,
economic blackmailing, manipulation and threats of abandonment.

Dad, you raped me.  Mom, you fled when I told you and failed to
stop it.  You just wouldn't see it, so for you it didn't exist.
I had to survive it alone.

Dad, you hit me.  Mom, in those situations your only concern was
how bad _you_ were feeling, not once did you rise to my defence.
You didn't even get angry at him when he hit me!  Instead you
called *me* to help when *you* were scared of him.  You expected
*me* to be *your* safety - I think that's sick!  And it hurt me
and I felt inadequate and very insecure.  That situation left me
no safety at all.  I hate you for depriving me of the safety that
should have been my right simply because I was a child.


Dad, you denied ever doing anything abusive at the same time as
you were repeatedly abusing me.  You twisted my understanding of
the world around me and you caused me to doubt my sanity and my
reality ever since I was three years old.  You scared me to death
and at the same time demanded that I trust you and love you.  I
call that blackmailing and torture, for that it was.

Mom, you went along with his lies and as time went by, grew even
worse than he was, denying things in our past at random.  You
always did and still do present "The World According To You" and
you have none whatsoever interest in anyone elses feelings, needs
or interests.  Right now you are trying to steal from me, because
you say YOU were victimized!!!

How dare you say YOU were the victim!  To *imply* (how loath-
somely cowardly of you not to even say it to my face!) that I
victimized YOU!?  You have no right nor reason to expect me to be
thankful.  In what you have done there is nothing to be thankful
for.  Having no respect or no thankfulness is not abuse, but
expecting respect and reciprocal favours in return of your
neglect is abusive.  By playing the victim and martyr again you
are trying to re-abuse me - but I will no more let you.

Your victimization was your own choise (you were the grownup, it
was you who married the bastard in the first place and it was you
who refused to divorce him even when I pleaded and begged that
you would), and you pushed it upon me, too.  As I now refuse to
continue on that insane road of dependency ans dirty secrets, I
am making a sane choise, and whatever victimization you may feel,
*you* yourself have brought it upon you with living a lie, giving
false promises, attempting to control me both professionally and
economically and by letting me down over and over again when I
needed you the most.


Neither of you is worthy to be called "Father", "Mother" or
"Parent".  These you were not.  So I strip you of these
designations and take them away - you will not hear them from me
any more.

>From here on you are not my parents.  However, don't for a moment
think that would get you off the hook: I will not forget what you
did and I will not shut up.  I have only started to speak out and
there is much more to come.  As lousy parental units you will be
hearing from me - and my attorney - again, soon.

Now be gone and don't try to contact me.  I will contact you when
I am ready to do so.


Goldberry



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