From: lindsay+@cs.cmu.edu (Donald Lindsay)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Messiah Joke
Date: 27 Sep 92 15:53:19 GMT
Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon


The following struck me as relevant to alt.religion.scientology.  I
hesitated to repost it, because I try not to be that cynical, and I
try try not to be that in-your-face. But, hey, it's humorous.  So,
here it is (tastefully cut down).

---------------
Article 26342 of sci.skeptic:
From: tke@cbnewsg.cb.att.com (thomas.j.epstein)
Subject: Re: The Business of UFO/Paranormal

In article <1992Jun19.205328.11504@nntpd.lkg.dec.com> rosch@cpdw.enet.dec.com (Ray Rosch) writes:
>This is a BUSINESS so lets recognize it for what it is.
>
>Right now I have't written anything. I don't have an organization.  My name
>isn't unusual like Tantra_Earthstar_47 from Planet Bubba.  But if I choose
>to I could make some money doing it!  Please tell me I could make a lot of $
>doing it and how to clear my conscience when I do it. There's money to be
>made! It's just trying to find a niche in this market.  Some have even used
>'past lives' and 'channeling'. Great! Brilliant ideas!!! What's next?  I need
>a germ of the next idea.  How about modifying reincarnation theory. Maybe the
>Grays were reincarnated earth beings - such as Dolphins - who are now seeking
>their revenge - I'm hot!!! - on the peoples of the earth for catching them in
>tuna nets! [Ok, needs work...] When they die at sea they are reincarnated to
>a planet called...3 Diamonds!... and savor human flesh as a primal memory.
>Anyone who's every eaten tuna is their victim.

Well, I think you are on the right track; however you are going to miss the
big bucks if you expect to cash in on books.  You can't live the high life
without a following.  You cannot have a following without a "Way."  As the
leader of a "Way" (note that I wrote, `a' Way, not, `the' Way.  More on that
later) you will only hit the gravy train for a *sustained* period, if you 
are *the* leader, unique and unreplaceable:  Messiah is a nice touch, but
will reduce your following since the job has pretty many contenders in the
new age environment (or so I suppose).  As a starter, I suggest you try
seperating your task into defining the two.  Some suggestions follow.
.
.
___________ The Way ____________
>
Peace, health and prosperity must result from following
the Way correctly.  Remember, if the follower does not
get the promised benifet, it MUST BE THE FOLLOWER'S FAULT.
Expensive seminars and tape series sets (Scientologesque)
are a good touch, but requires actual work on your part.
.
Continual, significant giving of money *must* be a part
of the process to achieve peace, health and prosperity.
Hinting that failing to "sacrifice mammon" can actually
cause harm to the follower and/ or the follower's family
is a nice touch, but overuse of that angle can scare away
newcomers.
.
Get a trendy name for the process.  Actualization, Self
Decentrilzation, Mahai-Shintari, Moo-goo-gai-panology,
etc.  If some psycho-babble is IN, use it or be creative;
it's *your* universe.
.
Include progressively complicated steps toward the goal.
Always leave em wanting more.  Having some sort of follower
hierarchy is nice motivation provided the level of giving
is tied to status.  (Hey, I'm a 5th Schnakaru now!) Make
sure the hierarchy is open-ended, but that the status of 
the leader (that's you) is unattainable by mere mortals.
.
Even though you have the best representation of TRUTH, be sure
to allow that others are on the right track!  Don't alienate
the fringe crossovers.  There is no reason why the Save-the-
whales-Sons-of-Ramath-Univarsalist Church members can't enjoy
the benifets of your great wisdom.
.
Avoid Hell, Sin or any concept that places responsibility
for a person's actions on their own shoulders, EXCEPT the
sin of apostacy or having an "ungiving" spirit, which will
not allow the follower to be "free".  But remember, people
are intrinsicly good!  The fault comes from without.
.
Make it a religion.  Avoid lawsuits and taxes.

Enough of that, I'm sure you get the idea.
.
_________ The Leader ___________

First, You must be an authority, but not in any mundane manner:
that is you cannot be a normal human.  You must be "gifted."
I suggest that you avoid reincarnations of any historical
figure; too easy to get tripped up on historical facts.  Avoid
being an extra-terrestrial.  Your personal history is too well
documented.  Avoid being *anthing* that requires you to change your
lifestyly.  Keeping up appearances is hard work and the idea here 
is to avoid working.  I suggest that you should be a *channel* for 
a non-human space race. (You DID NOT arrive in a UFO!)
This has several advantages:

1) Channeling is a temporary thing, so you can spend most of your time
   as yourself.  

2. You can claim that the Zarquarian Prime directive does not allow
   the sharing of technology untill most of the race (human) is following
   the way.  This allows you to brush off any scientific inquiry.

3. You can make up a whole bunch of off-world references to boost your
   credebility.

4. You can "reveal" how your people have helped us throughout history.

5. It does a fair job of dealing with the asomtotic light speed objection
   to inter-stellar commerce.

---- gotta go ...  Tom
------------------------------< END >------------------------------------
-- 
Don		D.C.Lindsay 	Carnegie Mellon Computer Science
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology