From: mmcalees@sol.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese (One of 'Those Dudes'))
Subject: Sauramud's Advice Column #8
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.misc
Organization: The Forgotten Legions of... uhh... umm...
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 1992 21:37:07 GMT

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         Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings   Issue 8
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Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the
latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column.  But first,
a word or two from Sauramud himself:

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Dear Readers,
 
     A while back a reader asked me about the Find Familiar spell and
bemoaned the fact he got a giant slug for a familiar and wondered if he
could trade it in for another one.  I told him that he was stuck with this
familiar until death-did-they-part but it turns out that I was mistaken.  A
rather astute reader pointed this out to me and will receive a box of me
mums special bonbons in the mail.  It seems you _can_ send away your
familiar if it doesn't live up to specs.  There was a rather large coffee
ring in my spell book which obscured this part of the text.  I'm afraid
this is all a bit too late for the original writer because I have received
word that he forgot to feed his slug familiar and it killed and ate him
last week.  My master always said drinking too much coffee was dangerous.
 
-----
 
 Most Keen Sauramud,
 
 
     Last week while wandering the bazaar, I found what I think must be the
greatest invention ever.  It ws a spell book that fit in the palm of my
hand!  It weighed only 1 lb, and it could contain more spells than my 25lb
2ft by 2ft spell book!!!!!  The shop keeper said it was from another world
and was printed on a "POSTED SCRIPTER PRINTER", what ever that is, and he
only wanted 2500gp!!  Amazing!  It even came with a free magical magnifying
glass so that I could read the small print!  Double Amazing!  BUT MY STUPID
DM WOULDN'T LET ME USE IT!  HE SAID IT WAS TOTALLY UNBALANCING!  LIKE WHOSE
WORLD IS THIS ANWAY!?  Sauramud, what should I do?  Is an assassin out of
line here?
 
awaiting your advice,
 
     Robitus the book carrier
 
 
Dear Robitus
 
     Uh oh.  If you look inside the front cover of this little marvel you
will see the name 'Readers Digest'.  They put out a series of 'condensed'
spell books with the idea that much of the info in a regular spell book
could be 'glossed over' and many of the 'useless' illustrations could be
eliminated.  Unfortunately some of the info they chose to skip is more
important than they thought.  If you flip to the page on the Fireball spell
you will note that they neglected the usual disclaimer about not casting it
in an enclosed environment.  You will also notice that many used copies
show various degrees of charring aroud the edges.

     The 'POSTED SCRIPTER PRINTER' you refer to is only 'vapor magic' at
this point.  I believe you are referring to the 'POSTER SCRIPTURE PRINTER'
which most temples use for copying their holy books.  This technique is the
one that allows them to easily replicate those whacking big letters with
the little birds and flowers around them.

     Don't be so quick to rule out the advantages of a large spell book.
There are many uses for a large spell book.  You can stand on them to get
at those hard-to-reach vials on the top shelves.  If you run out of spells
you can use it to beat the orcs over the head.  A huge spell book makes a
splendid door stop, paper weight, skateboard ramp - all sorts of things
that you couldn't do with a paperback edition.  And just think how that 
monster looks on your coffee table when you get home from a hard months's
adventuring!
 
-----
 
Dear Sauramud, Sorcerer Supreme;
 
 
     Though I am a warrior, not wizard, I need some advice that can only be
answered by a mighty an of magic such as yourself.  You see, my player is
one of those "roleplaying" types, and put a 16 stat into my intelligence.
He even bought me the spellcraft proficiency.  I think that my talents are
wasted if my role in life is just to swing a sword an grunt a lot; unlike
other warriors I'm smart enough to not want to be my party's wizard's
cannon fodder.  I even read your column regularily!
 
     My problem is that the GM says I'm not _quite_ smart enough to change
class, and I was born a human.  Wha should I do?  How can I earn the
respect of the wizards I hang out with?
 
Respectfully,
 
     Identity Crisis.
 
Dear Identity Crisis,
 
     Your GM is right.  The fact that you WANT to be a wizard is evidence
that you are not smart enough to be a wizrd.  It is a common misconception
that people become a wizard by choice.  Bzzt!  Wrong.  A person becomes a
wizard because of peer pressure.
 
     "No way bud, you're NOT going to waste that 17 INT on a thief!"
 
Everybody knows that a wizard has the most dirty, thankless job of any in
an adventuring party.  It seems the entire world has it in for you if
you're a wizard.  You don't get any armour, no weapons to speak of, a bunch
of big heavy books which you are expected to guard with your life and which
succumb to every water/fire based trap encounter (and those are the ones
the thief ALWAYS seems to miss) and lastly you might as well be wearing a
sign on your back that reads "KILL ME FIRST - I'M THE WIZARD" because EVERY
enemy you encounter will target you as the MU upon first glance whether you
are wearing your tell-tale pointy hat or not!  Think it doesn't get any
worse?  Consider when you are in the dungeon and you have used your last
spell for the day.  Does the rest of the party agree to withdraw so that
you can rest and study?  Get real!  Next thing you know you're there at the
point baiting orcs and probing for traps with what's left of your ten foot
pole!  No respect for the arcane profession!
   My advice is to give up this unwise obsession and be content in your 
lot as a fighter.  If things get too bad, seek out a master wizard and pay
for a Feeblemind spell.  It will allow you to find career satisfaction as
a fighter and you'll *still* have the intellectual edge on most sword-
swingers.
 
-----
 
O Sagely Sauramud!
 
     I wrote you awhile back about the party thief, Mog, who seems to think
some of my spells not only infringes on his territory, but indeed surpasses
the skills of his trade in many ways.  Of course he is absolutely right,
but we still need the shifty guy around to take the trap up the nose.
 
     Anyway, I tried intimidation, threats and blackmail, but to no avail,
as Mog pulled something out of his pocket that was bigger and viler than
anything I could have thought possible.  You guessed it:  his Union
Membership Card.  He says if I keep upstaging him in the thiefly arena,
he'll call in the Thieves' Guild (which, incidentally, has great relations
with the Assassin's Guild in town).  This is not good.  Please O wise one,
what shall I do?
 
Help,
 
     No Honor Among Thieves
 
Dear NHAT
 
     The thieves have been getting far too big for their britches since
they unionized a few years back and they seem to think that some
adventuring duties are their gods given right!  They have filed innumerable
claims against the Wizards' Guild regarding these perceived infringements
upon their duties - alleged grievances which we STRONGLY deny.  Relations
between the Thieves' Guild and the Wizards' Guild have been rather strained
lately to put it mildly.  Certainly the recent incident involving a mage
who committed 'suicide' by drinking poison, tying himself to a chair and
jumping out the window (twice) didn't help relations, nor did the stinking
cloud letter bomb that reaped some havoc (and a few casualties) at the
Thieve's Guild Hall.  My advice to you is to let this thief enjoy the few
piddling tasks he thinks he is competent at.  Don't be afraid to say "I
told you so." when he inevitably fails to pick a lock or climb a wall
though.  Peer pressure works well too, explain to the other angry party
members that the iron chest will just have to stay locked and the treasure
forever hidden because the thief has complained to the guild and your
handy-dandy 'Knock' spell can't be used.  I've never seen a cleric yet who
would let a mere thief stand between him and his gold.
 
-----
 
Mr.  Sauramud,
 
     My name is J.  Loquacious Diwittle from the firm of Figs, Barns, and
Nobles.  We have been contracted by S.T.O.M.P.  (The Society to Trash
Offensive Magic Proliferation) to represent them in their quest to stop the
gratuitous use of high power offensive magics such as fireballs.  It has
been brought to my attention that you have been suggesting quite heavily
that magi use offensive magics in all situations, including woodland areas.
If you do not start limiting such suggestions (for example, use fireball
only if you have cleared the entire area of flammables and have a fire
engine nearby) and start suggesting alternative spells such as Wall of Fog,
I will be forced to obtain a court injunction against the publication of
your column.
 
Sincerely,
 
J.  Loquacious Dimwittle Figs, Barns,and Nobles for Fuzsie Woodfriend,
Druid and Leader of STOMP
 
Dear J.L.D.
 
     I am sorry to say that you make a couple of good points in your
letter.  Folks, don't cast fireballs in the woods unless you _really_ have
to.  Remember; only YOU can prevent forest fires.  If you MUST cast a
fireball in the woods be sure to defoliate the whole area first so that it
won't spread.
 
     I know that the fireball is a really neat offensive spell but don't
forget that you lots of other equally nifty spells of destruction.  Don't
hesitate to use a mix of spells for greater dramatic effect!  Whereas it is
important to blast orcs, it is far more important to instill a sense of awe
in all present while you do it.  I've always enjoyed the 'Lightning Bolt'
spell.  I love the smell of ozone in the morning...
 
-----
 
To the Wisest of the wise, the All-mighty fighter-zapper, the
Phantasmal-killer of thieves, the Wizard with the most...
 
 
     I am a pretty powerful wizard, but I am the only one in the party.
So, all these stupid fighters, priests, and thieves look up to me when it
comes to figuring out our magic.  This is all well and good, because I tell
them some things, take my good picks and when all this magic (like scrolls)
that no one else can use is left over I just absorb it.  Chuckle, chuckle..
 
My problem is that I feel like a guinea pig.  We get a cloak and they all
watch me as I'm supposed to put it on.  I do and zap!  Poisoned!  Aggghh!
So, I get raised, later on, here Wiz, put this scarab in your bag, I don't
want to carry this powerful magic...dig, dig, tunnel, tunnel, as this thing
animates and eats out my heart.  So, I get raised again...
 
I'm tired of this shit, I like getting the neat stuff, but Geez, isn't
there an easier way, like charming a fighter to try this stuff on?
 
 
                                        Guinea Pig
 
 
Dear Guinea Pig,
 
     You've raised a couple of interesting things in this letter which I
have touched upon in the past and I will again.
 
     Who builds these silly magic items?
 
     Why the hell would a wizard sit down and design some of those things?
Are they supposed to be party pranks?  Is everybody supposed to sit around
and laugh when the hostess puts on the gift tiara and her brains get sucked
out?  It takes a lot of time and magic to build an enchanted item and I
just can't understand Joe the Sorcerer who says one day,
     "I thinks I'll build me a scarab what eats peoples hearts out." and
then he spends thousands of gold pieces and man hours constructing it.
 
     As to your problem; volunteer to try out every magic item first but
insist that you get to keep any magic item you try.  This will, if nothing
else, encourage others in the party to experiment with magic items before
they hand them to you (and hopefully expose any negative properties in an
item such as eating out ones heart or causing ones gentialia to explode).
 
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Well that's all for this installment folks.  As always, send _your_ 
questions for Sauramud to mmcaleese@csr.uvic.ca.  "Sauramud's Advice 
Column" is written by David Braun (David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc.ca)
and Michael McAleese (mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".

Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were:

rjq@phys.ksu.edu (Rob Quinn)
Winston (W.L.) Sorfleet <SORFLET@BNR.CA>
"E. Chris Garrison" <ericg@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>
vutpakdi@sws.slb.com (Ron Vutpakdi)
weeks@asdf (Patrick P. Weeks)

Thanks to j1h9453@eagle.tamu.edu (Joel Andrew Huddleston) for keeping us
honest about the 'Find Familiar' spell - sorry, the bon-bons got lost in 
transit... (and they all had hard centres anyway).

And a special thanks to Eric Boyd <boyd@colonial.eecs.umich.edu> who 
passed on the mail when a cranky mailer started playing handball with
my site.
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-- 
*     mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca (Michael McAleese) : I speak only for me...       *
  "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." - Oscar Wilde
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives