From: sjk@strl.labs.tek.com (Steven King)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Alternatives to Spanking?
Date: 30 Jul 92 23:22:15 GMT
Reply-To: sjk@strl.labs.tek.com (Steven King)
Followup-To: misc.kids
Distribution: na
Organization: Software Technology Research Lab, Tektronix, Inc.

In article <3262@master.CNA.TEK.COM>, judyd@aspen.CNA.TEK.COM (Judy E. Drake) writes:

|> In article <1992Jul29.184517.23401@mdd.comm.mot.com> nelson@mdd.comm.mot.com (Mike Nelson) writes:
|> >I'm sure looking forward to the tantrum in the busy store scene. 8-(
|> >
|> >I think I'll try to ignore it and withstand the onlookers stares.
|> >
|> >Is there a better way?
|> 
|> My son (age 3) has never thrown a tantrum in public (thank goodness), 
|> but I don't understand the philosophy of always ignoring tantrums.  He
|> throws tantrums when he's tired or hungry or frustrated.  He doesn't
|> do it to control the situation or me or his dad.  He seems to do it
|> because he can't help it.  I usually respond by trying to address the
|> root problem of the behavior--feeding him if he's hungry or getting
|> him home to bed if he's tired.  If neither of these options is
|> immediately available, for example, in a store or other public place,
|> I would try to distract him from his discomfort.  Very rarely have
|> I ever felt that ignoring his behavior was the right answer, and in
|> some cases it would have been downright cruel.
|> 
|> Has anyone else had this experience with the tantrum age?

Indeed.  When Patrick is ill, or tired, he can go "over the edge" and
lapse into a tantrum.  It is typically a small thing that sets him off,
not a defiance issue.  If we've been watching his schedule (sleeping
or eating) and his health, then we will usually take corrective action
quickly.  This would involve comforting/distraction/removal as step
#1, feeding, medicine, a calming activity as step #2, and a longer-
term fix as step #3.  Longer term fixes might include a trip to the
park with one or the other parent, leaving the social situation, a
walk with daddy (which is very effective in calming him down at family 
gatherings or other social settings), a video, or a flat-out bribe with
food.  :^)

There have been times at home where I would have to carry him kicking
and screaming up the stairs to his room.  This, of course, only happens
when step #1 is not working.  We can then talk/change diaper/cuddle
until he is calm and proceed to step #2.

Verbally asking him what he wants, and then telling him "I can't
understand you." will almost always stop him if he's whining/screaming.
Repeating "Calm, calm, calm" will prompt him to calm down _very_
quickly, as well.  He just wants his way, and we let him know that we
respect his feelings but can't understand what he wants.  This works
_very_ well for us.

If we do our homework up front, then we never have to worry about him
having a tantrum due to defiance.  This involves "psyching him up"
before a trip, promise of something fun when we arrive back home, and
repeated asking of a positive question like "what are we going to do
when we get home?" or "how are we going to act at the store?"  He seems
to want to live up to a certain standard when we coach him in this way.
Don't forget to praise them for being good after an event!

Also, forget the onlookers.  If you are using a technique that works,
who cares what they think?  I get funny comments whenever Patrick and
I go for a walk at family gatherings, but he (and I) need it.  I know
what Patrick needs and they don't, so who cares?

BTW: It's only a bad experience if you let it be so.  It can be a good
experience if you work at it.

Steven (sjk@strl.labs.tek.com)

"Sometimes if you have a cappuccino and then try again it will work OK."
(Dr. Brian Reid)  "Sometimes one cappuccino isn't enough." (Marcus Ranum)
"A double vanilla latte always works."  (Me)