From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: recovery goals
Date: 19 Nov 92 20:01:55 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Thinking about goals for my recovery/healing -- implies that there will be a 
change or an end to my current state of misery -- and sometimes I can't quite
conceive of that.  Then again, it has only been a year I've been working on this,
a year since I first remembered.  But it seems that everytime I make some
progress in accepting & believing what i've remembered, in dealing with & letting
go of some of the feelings, through poetry, through action of some sort or 
another, in gaining a few more skills in interacting in my relationships, then
I remember something new, or find somebody new inside & totally fall apart all
over again.

When I first remembered it was near the end of a semester (I"m a college student)
and I failed all but one of my classes.  And took the next semester off.  Now
I'm part time, taking two classes & I'm wondering if I can even handle this --
I haven't been to a class in more than a week.  the last two classes I went to
I was terrified teh whole time & had to cower back in a corner hugging a teddy
bear & rocking back & forth, back & forth the whole time.  and I couldn't 
participate at all.

I'm planning to be a part time student again next semester, taking two classes
again, but a slight increase from this semester since I'll be taking 6 credit
hours instead of 5.  But I don't know if I can do that and I feel so STUPID for
thinking I can't do that.  I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this,
how long I'm going to spend a significant amount of my immobilized or terrified.
I just want to get DONE with it.  I feel like such a damn failure.  I can't
go to class, I can't clean my house, I can't eat decently 'cause all the dishes
are dirty and I can't wash them.  I can't deal with my SO, the only friends I'm
spending time with are survivors & half the time I'm with them I'm freaking out
I HATE THIS!

And I don't know how to explain it to people like the teacher that I need to 
talk to 'cause I keep missing her class.  And I don't want to fail anything -
because I would get suspended again (was suspended after last fall when I 
failed everything) and I think I want to eventually be able to graduate from
this school.  


I met somebody new inside a couple days ago.  We're calling her Jennifer because
when she surfaced I had been talking about my cousin Jennifer who doesn't talk
and another Jennifer who doesn't talk & this little girl inside can't talk.
She has a lot of memories.  Her main feelings are despair and hopelessness.
She was only out for about 15 minutes and I haven't felt her since then, but
I'm still feeling the hopelessness.  scares me -- makes me angry 'cause she is
just a little kid and for a while I really felt what a little kid feels like
when she is being hurt as much as I was -- as much as so many (too many) little
kids are.

going to go now I guess.

christina of angel & all



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