From: donita@scic.intel.com (Donita Thompson)
Subject: Posting Anonymously????
Organization: Intel SCIC, Beaverton, OR
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 18:22:31 GMT

How does one post anonymously to this group anyway? 

Oh, hell, what am I trying to hide...  Something has been bothering
me. I guess I'll just get it over with. Advice and feedback is welcome.
Privately or publicly doesn't matter.

My past is bothering the hell out of me and I'm tired of looking at
it and dealing with it and trying to resolve it. When I went into
rehab 3 years ago, ALL I WAS LOOKING FOR was help in getting my 
ass off crank. But they introduced me to this program and told me
to go to meetings and to read and to tell all my secrets and deal
with all my past issues. And while you're at it, Donita, get yourself
a sponsor and find yourself a higher power and pray and work the
steps. What a list! So, for the past 3 years I have unlocked
the Pandora's Box and delved into all these issues about abandonment,
deaths of members in my family, issues about my alcoholic mother, 
issues about incest and sexual molestation, character defects,
and a whole lot of other things. 

I've been working on this damn 4th step for months now and ya wanna
know what I see myself doing? Living in the fucking past. Pardon me,
I'm frustrated and emotional and burnt-out and tired and exhausted.
I'm hitting a bottom in my recovery. I feel drained...

Friends ask me, "Why don't you just stop thinking about that
stuff? Why don't you close the door and get on with your life?
You can't change any of that stuff. It's over." 

And they are right. Ever since I went into rehab 3 years ago, I
have been living in the past -- working on resolving these issues.
I've been re-feeling ALL these emotions. I'm TIRED of it! I can't
do a damn thing about the things that happened back then! And by 
thinking about this stuff and having to bring up all these ugly
sad emotions, I'm not making my life any better, people. I'm
making myself pretty miserable. 

All I wanted to do was get clean and get on with my life.
 
Pardon me while I stand up and just tell it like it is. I'm
rebelling. I'm not going to do things this way anymore. I can't.
If I keep this crap up, I *will* use...or worse...I will probably
end up killing myself and getting it over with for good. 
 
I'm throwing away this damn 4th step. I refuse to rehash and rehash
and REHASH all the pain, anger & sadness anymore. I can't do it
anymore...

People say, "Give it to your HP."  Fine. Here ya go, HP. It's ALL
yours now. Every single bit of it. Take it all. From this point
on I refuse to think about all that crap anymore. I have a beautiful
daughter that loves me. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is supportive
of me and stands by me. I have my place out in the forest where I
am happy. I have my art. I have my cats. I have a future that can be
VERY HAPPY...but it can't be happy if I'm constantly having to look
BACKWARDS. Yeah, I have character defects. I work on them the best I
can. Do you hear me, HP? I'm doing my best!

I need a break from all this. If I don't, I'm gonna drive myself crazy.

Wow. That felt good. I think I might just be able to have a good day now.

Thanks for listening.


Newsgroups: alt.recovery