HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: gcopjjb@state.systems.sa.gov.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: People actually wrote these !!
Date: 18 Aug 92 00:02:33 GMT
Organization: State Systems, South Australia


I

n
 
article <1992Aug14.125846.27311@rdg.dec.com>, johnson@petrus.enet.dec.com (Anutonski) writes:
> --
> READ AND ENJOY...
> 
>                GENUINE EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO THE COUNCIL
>                =================================================
> 
> I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
> foot in the hole in his back passage.
> 
> The lavatory is blocked
d.
> 
> The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
> unsightly and dangerous.
> 
> Will you please send someone to mend our broken path.  Yesterday my wife
> tripped on it and is now pregnant.
> 
> Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so
> will you please send someone to do something about it.
> 
> Would you please repair our toilet, my son pulled the chain and the box fell
> on his head.
> 
> Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not
> fit to drink.
> 
> Would you please send a man to repair my spout.  I am an old age pensioner
> and need it straight away.
> 
> I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
> 
> This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get
> BBC2.
> 
> Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife got her toe
> stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for us.
> 
> When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off.
> Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some
> on.  So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should
> have put on when you took it off.
> 
> When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and
> made a mess.  Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my
> wife happy.
>hello
\z
 
> I want to complain about the farmer across the road.  Every morning at 5.30
> his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
> 
> Anu - and no I havn't time to explain the English colloquialisms. ;')
> 
> - Haben Sie ein Einrdder? Ja?		Have you a unicycle? Yes?
> ***************************************************************************
>  Richard (Anutonski) Johnson....E-mail: johnson@petrus.enet.dec.com
>  Digital Equipment GmbH...........Tel: +49 (0)6103 383583
>  Robert-Bosch-Stra_e 5,...........Fax: +49 (0)6103 383523
>  6072 Dreieich/Sprendlingen,...Computer Science Undergraduate
>  Germany...................................University of Portsmouth, England.
> ***************************************************************************
From: gah2468@bcsaic.boeing.com (Geoffrey Hazel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Woody and Mia
Keywords: need some jokes
Date: 20 Aug 92 16:47:16 GMT
Organization: Boeing Computer Services AI Center, Seattle

In article <Bt9E6B.IL4@news.cso.uiuc.edu> mcwg9235@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Marsha Cook Woodbury) writes:
>I am waiting.  The subject is ripe with possibilities.
>Where are the jokes?
>-- 
>Marsha Woodbury   marsha-w@uiuc.edu
>"A metaphor is like a simile."
>writing from Urbana, IL, courtesy of the University of Illinois


So I hear they're working on putting this whole Woody Allen thing on TV soon.
Possible show titles include:

Father Knows Best
Family Affair
-- 
Geoff Hazel                  | Haven't you got some real work to get 
gah2468@bcsaic.boeing.com    | done now?
From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: "the rules"
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:11 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

             In article <1992Aug12.193212.17495@cs.mun.ca>
          delphine@garfield.cs.mun.ca (Delphine Au) writes...

DA>A while ago, i saw "The Rules" but didn't know how to save it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                               THE RULES

1. The female always makes the       8.  The Female can change her
   rules.                                mind at any given point in
                                         time.
2. No male can possibly know all
   the rules.                        9.  The Male must never change
                                         his mind without written
3. The rules are subject to              consent from the Female.
   change at any time without
   notification.                     10. The Female has every right
                                         to be angry or upset at any
4. If the female suspects the            time.
   male knows all the rules, she
   MUST immediately change some      11. The Male must remain calm at
   or all of the rules.                  all times, unless the Female
                                         wants him to be angry or
5. The female is never wrong.            upset.

6. If the female is wrong, it is     12. The Female must under no
   because of a flagrant                 circumstances let the Male
   misunderstanding which was a          know whether or not she wants
   direct result of something the        him to be angry or upset.
   male did or said.
                                     13. Any attempt to document these
7. If rule 6 applies, the male           rules could result in bodily
   must apologize immediately for        harm.
   causing the misunderstanding.
                                     14. If the Female has PMS, all
                                         rules are null and void.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           ==================================================
              Delivered by Electronic Sled dogs......WOOF!
                 USENET ADDRESS: ron.kulick@execnet.com
           ==================================================
---
 * TLX v1.28 * 1024x768x256... sounds like one -MEAN- woman!
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host
From: gjs@aber.ac.uk (Gary John Salter)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: address
Date: 12 Aug 92 13:50:50 GMT
Organization: University of Wales, Aberystwyth



Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re:Confessions
Organization: University of Wales, Aberystwyth

Here in the U.K., Radio 1 has a confessions spot where people can write
in and confess to some ancient sin, and seek forgiveness when the confession
is read out over the air. Here are two good ones.


Dear Simon, 
  this confession is aimed at an unknown Cornish farmer (we didn't stay
long enough to find his name) who lets out a field to campers.

  Four of us, Brett, Russel, Steve and I, pitched our tent in his field
one friday, shortly before opening time.

  Well at about eleven o'clock, they poured us ot of the village inn
and we were wobbling back up the moonlite lane, when steve thought
he'd sussed a short-cut across the fields. Walking anywhere wasn't
easy by than, but we climbed over the gate and set out across the 
field.

  Cornwall has got loads of abandoned tin mines and we'd only gone a
little way when we stumbled into a flimsy fence around a very big 
black hole. The fields were dotted with open shafts and this one was a
particularly large one.

  Then someone had the bright idea of seeing how deep it was. So we tossed
a stone in and listened for the sound. Nothing. So then a rock gets lobbed
in. Again, not a sound. So steve and I levered a boulder out of the ground
and manhandled it over the edge. Again, not a peep.

  We were determined to find how deep it was, but there isn't a lot
lying around in your average field thats going to make a lot of noise.
Then Brett and Russel discovered a railway sleeper and tossed that into
the void. So we're all craning forward around the edge of for some sound
when suddenly this chain comes snaking through the grass between us, 
and a goat with a clump of grass in its mouth goes flying straight past 
us into the hole!!.

  Obviously the farmer tethered the goat to the sleeper to stop it
wandering down one of the shafts, but he hadn't banked on the sleeper
going in first. The goat didn't even get a chance to bleat.

  That sobered us right up and we left early the next day - for Devon.
No mines there! 
      
                      Yours guiltily,
                         Colin.



Dear Simon,
  I don't think you'll want to broadcast this one but it might make you
chuckle. 

  A builder friend of mine ran over a cat in his truck, stpped to see 
if it had survived and found it lying on the pavement, but still 
breathing. So he got a spade out of the truck, and belted it over the 
head to put it out of its misery and went on his way feeling all remorsefull.

  Two days later therewas a knock at the door and a policeman stood there
asking if it was his truck parked outside.

  Apparently they had recieved a complaint from some old dear who was
watching from her front window as her kitty had a snooze, when some
lunatic came up, clouted her cat over the head with a shovel, and threw it
in the hedge.

  The cat he had actually run over was still wedged in the wheel arch of 
the truck.



Are they really true, who cares, they make good stories.

Gaz
From: dstienek@gozer.idbsu.edu (Dan Stieneke)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Happy trails to me...
Date: 13 Aug 92 21:45:05 GMT
Organization: Boise State University

In article <1992Aug13.180139.6821@news.cs.brandeis.edu> chimps@binah.cc.brandeis.edu writes:
>In article <1992Aug13.115739.1@gallua.gallaudet.edu>, 11srust@gallua.gallaudet.
>edu (Scott A. Rust) writes:
>> HAven't you realized yet that the net is for students who are afraid of
>> women or married people who have been married too long??
>>
>
>Uh-oh! I must be in the wrong place! Being female, I'm not afraid of women,
>or I'd be scared of myself (and I don't really think I'm that scary, except
>maybe when I first wake up...), and I'm definitely NOT married. Maybe the net
>is just for people who have no life. I think I qualify for that one!
                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^

NOT TRUE!!!  I have a life.  It's just boring...

>
>Jen Schacher
>chimps@binah.cc.brandeis.edu          My mind's been going places
>st891477@pip.cc.brandeis.edu          without me lately...
>                                                     -The B-52's
Xref: sparky rec.humor:26188 talk.bizarre:26217
From: bosullvn@unix1.tcd.ie (Bryan O'Sullivan)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Bush Campaign TV Ad
Date: 16 Aug 92 15:48:31 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland

In <e55FPB2w165w@mantis.co.uk> mathew@mantis.co.uk (mathew) writes:

>andy@SAIL.Stanford.EDU (Andy Freeman) writes:
>> If Clinton's children did something legal that he disapproved of, do
>> you think he should abandon them?  No?  Then why is Bush wrong for
>> doing the exact same thing?

>Am I the only person to notice that "Senator William Clinton" is an anagram
>of "Win mental clitoris loan"?

Prob'ly.  Last time I looked, he was a governor.

Governor William Clinton: will roger in van or clit, mon.

	-- Bryan

--
Bryan O'Sullivan                                                 +353-1-767551
Advanced Development Group                               bosullvn@unix1.tcd.ie
Department of Computer Science            "No matter how cynical you are, it's
University of Dublin                       hard to keep up." -- Woody Allen
Organization: University of Illinois at Chicago
Date: Monday, 17 Aug 1992 17:17:29 CDT
From: <U51115@uicvm.uic.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Bathroom Humor (sort of)

   Some of you might've already heard this one but it's still pretty good.


Q: Why doesn't Kentucky Fried Chicken carry toilet papers in their stalls?

A: Because it's finger licken' good.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Gun control
From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona)
Date: 12 Aug 92 23:29:41 GMT
Organization: gte

In article <1992Aug6.032327.21424@menudo.uh.edu>, st1ns@Rosie.UH.EDU writes:
> < in article <ATAYLOR.92Jul30090117@gauss.nmsu.edu> ataylor@nmsu.edu (Nosy) writes:
>   
> <  >Please describe the kinds of "guns" that were used
>     by the Romans [quote truncated intentionally]
> 
>   Ok, how do you feel about 
>       "People don't kill people, weapons kill people."  
>          Hmm, then we get the problem of hands and feet, so revise to
>       "People don't kill people, imprudent and/or possibly illegal or at least
>          health-impairing use of extremities, hard body substructures, appendages
>          and momentum kills people."  
>       Yeah, that's the ticket, you shouldn't be held responsible for something that
Ahh, but if the gun grabbers would take the stance the people should be held
responsible for their actions, then all the gun-toting criminals would either
be hung or dead: depending on whether they were caught by the cops or
greeted by honest citizens while they were committing the crime.


It is funny if you think about it.

PS.  The gun-grabbers are the same people who told us that we shouldn't treat
prisoners so badly 'cuz they had bad childhoods.  Now that we've got tens 
of thousands of criminals running around with guns, they're trying to tell
us that we should take responsibility for our own actions and admit that
guns kill people !?!  Maybe somebody should 'fess up about who put all
those criminals back on the street?

Well, I think it is kind of funny --- mainly because so many lame-*ss 
people actually fall for it!



-- 
"25 States allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with
no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy.  However, 4 out of 5 US murders are 
committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?"   -  Andrew Ford
gtephx!forda@enuucp.eas.asu.edu  OR  !uunet!samsung!romed!enuucp!gtephx!forda
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: first post
From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona)
Date: 12 Aug 92 23:21:21 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: gte

In article <19538@plains.NoDak.edu>, langowsk@plains.NoDak.edu (Michael Langowski) writes:
> This is my very first post ever, so I hope I don't screw this up.
> OK here it goes
>   As I'm sure most of you know of the popular sex positions, such as 69
> But do you know what 6.9 is?
> 
> a good thing fucked up by a period.


What's the square of 69?

Ate something.
-- 
"25 States allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with
no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy.  However, 4 out of 5 US murders are 
committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?"   -  Andrew Ford
gtephx!forda@enuucp.eas.asu.edu  OR  !uunet!samsung!romed!enuucp!gtephx!forda
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
From: delphine@garfield.cs.mun.ca (Delphine Au)
Subject: looking for "THE RULES"
Organization: CS Dept., Memorial University of Newfoundland
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 19:32:12 GMT

Hi

A while ago, i saw "The Rules" but didn't know how to save it.

If anyone out there has it, can they send it to me (email)

The start off like:  1. the woman is always right
                     2. if the woman is wrong see rule #1
                     ....
                     
others include: - the waman can change the rules anytime
                - the man must always know the rules anytime

etc.

Thank you

Delphine Au

-- 
| DELPHINE  AU     | delphine@garfield.cs.mun.ca                         |
| Computer Science | Memorial University of Newfoundland                 |
|        Smart     :  When you only believe half of what you hear...     |
|        Brilliant :  When you know which half to believe!!              |
From: SDENARO@vm.poly.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Woody and Mia
Date: 20 Aug 92 17:35:58 GMT
Organization: Polytechnic University

In article <Bt9E6B.IL4@news.cso.uiuc.edu>
mcwg9235@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Marsha Cook Woodbury) writes:
 
>
>I am waiting.  The subject is ripe with possibilities.
>Where are the jokes?
>--
Movies that could me made be Woody..
 
Raiseing Cain, Then sleeping with her.
Unlawful Entry II
Hanna and her Daughters
Single adopted Asian female
...
 
Ive been dateless before, but I never thought of adoption.
 
--
SAL DENARO      "Live Fast, Die Young, Hack 'C'"
sdenaro@polyvm.poly.edu    sdenaro@polyvm.bitnet
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: s5202734@titan.ucc.umass.edu (s5202734)
Subject: Re: Lose Weight
Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 19:50:40 GMT

In article <1992Aug19.165725.14517@cs.hw.ac.uk> adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt) writes:
>In article <N0iePB1w164w@opus.mcds.com>, speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers) writes:
>>   A friend of mine is trying to lose some weight and would
>> like some encouragement in the form of jokes about being,
>> well, a bit overweight.  So, BRING ON THE WEIGHT JOKES!
  
   Joke that really wouldn't bother anyone except certain members of the
cast of Star Trek deleted.
>
>This sort of joke is not Politically Correct, so to make amends, here is a
>new Politically Correct term:
>
>Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.

     Don't see how this relates to fat jokes.  Perhaps you were hoping for
a reference to the waist-line impaired.  Or Gravitationally Challenged.

      How about this:

Q:  Why is a fat chick like a moped?

A:  They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
   

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ara@wam.umd.edu (Ford Prefect)
Subject: Re: IN TIME
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 01:41:52 GMT

>>>A STITCH IN TIME WOULD HAVE CONFUSED ENSTIEN.
>>Certainly would have! Enstien didn't even get past the third grade.
>>I think the chap you're thinking of is Lichenstein... No, that's a country.
>>Ah ha! Epstein! No, a character in Biloxi Blues. Ensign! Nope. Don't worry!
>>I'll sit here until I think of it.
>>
>>-- Sal "Engine? No... Steinfink! No. Aw hell." Desiano
>
>I think he ment Frankenstein
>or was that Frankensteen
>frankenstone?
>-ara
>
>No, No, No. It's Igor.
>Well, back there, they told me it was Igor.
>Well, they were wrong, weren't they.
>-Sal
>
Wow, they let you in BACK THERE?
They (and we know who "THEY" are) don't even let 
me get near the place!
How did you do it?!
-ara
From: hlynka@server.uwindsor.ca (Myron Hlynka)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Date: 18 Aug 1992 20:56:43 GMT
Organization: University of Windsor, Ontario, Canada


>Sorry to all those offended, but if you don't mind me saying so (and I'm sure
>you do) aren't you people smart enough to tell that I intended these in
>response to a request and that they are only meant to be read on rec.humor? If
>they went to any other newsgroups, blaim xrn! Chew a valium, I have nothing
>against Polish people, several of my best friends are Polish, and they enjoyed
>the jokes!
>

These jokes are offensive and do not belong anywhere.

Q: Why are Polish jokes so stupid?



A: So the non-Poles can understand them. 


                                      Myron Hlynka
                                     (I am not of
From: 890232a@dragon.acadiau.ca (Steve Astels)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: `Subject: oxymoron'
Date: 21 Aug 92 13:16:19 GMT
Organization: Acadia University

mehta@INSL.McGill.CA (Kiran Mehta) writes:

>I frequently see this on the Subject line:

> Funny joke.

>Come on what else is a joke supposed to be.


well, considering some that i've read on this group...

ha

-- Steve

-- 

       Stephen Astels               "I am the lizard king,
                                     I can do anything..."
   steve.astels@acadiau.ca                         - Jim Morrison
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: fester@island.COM (Mike Fester)
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Keywords: degenerate, slimeball, grandparents, sex, duct tape 
Organization: /usr/local/rn/organization
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 16:45:44 GMT

In article <1992Aug16.071713.22894@gagme.chi.il.us> anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec) writes:

Look guy, this is rec.humor. You don't like it, unsubscribe.

>In article <1992Aug10.151300.2492@mdcbbs.com> hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III) writes:
>>
>
>Polish jokes deleted
>
>
>>Griff Hamlin III
>>(hamling@mdcbbs.com)
>
>Say Griff, I didn't know lowlifes like you had dynasties.
>Or does "III" mean having sex with ones grandmother or grandfather?
>
>Andrzej A. Borowiec

Can I buy a vowel?

>p.s. I'm really getting tired of you buttheads not x-posting
>Polish jokes to soc.culture.polish

Why? do you need to read them twice before you understand them?

Mike
-- 
Disclaimer - These opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[ .... :w  :q  :wq  :wq! ^d  X ^?
exit X Q  ^C ^? :quitbye  CtrlAltDel   ~~q  :~q  logout  save/quit :!QUIT
^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H  man vi ^@  ^L  ^[c  ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help  helpquit ^D  ^d 
man help ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q CtrlShftDel "Hey, what does this button d..."
From: ukjp@mcl.ucsb.edu (Kevin Phillips)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: American Joke
Date: 12 Aug 92 16:39:48 GMT

In <1992Aug11.153917.12305@spider.co.uk> andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon) writes:

>>
>>>Oh no, this looks like the re-emergance of the UK-US flame war. Just don't
>>>retaliate by saying that the Americans got their arses kicked in Vietnam, that
>>>always riles someone !
>>What ever you do - don't mention that it's really hard to tell most of the
>>royal family apart from thier horses, or that american beer is the most god
>>awful piss water in the world.
>Saying all the American presidants, both living and dead, are/were retarded is
>also a no no.....

And whatever you do, never mention that despite this, any president (except
Reagan) is still smarter than the PM and all of the MPs put together.
From: nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: signature
Date: 20 Aug 92 16:37:59 -0600
Organization: Memphis State University


I am not to be trusted. I will lead you into strange places.
As you will soon see.
I was contemplating the following signature ...

>==============================================================
>Reid Kneeland
>reid@ttidca.tti.com  (that's MISTER reid@ttidca.tti.com to you!)
>{philabs,psivax,pyramid,quad1,rdlvax,retix,rutgers}!ttidca!reid
>Transaction Technology Inc., Santa Monica, CA, USA
>(310) 450-9111 x2499
>The opinions expressed above do not necessarily etc etc...
>
>Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okay, MISTER reid, I won't! Let's see 2e10 = 1024 (1KB), hmmm
Holding my hands before my face for visual help, I quickly
realize I have made a hasty error - my right thumb is 2e0
and my left thumb is 2e9 and adding up all of the digits
(fingers) equals 1023. Okay, you're clean this time.
But, I noticed, as I have before, that the right middle finger
is a binary 4.  I told you I was not to be trusted  :-)

Surely this is deserving of a unique name.
So I have dubbed it "bit bird", represented in text as oo1oo.
But wait - is a binary 132 a "two bit bird" oo1oo oo1oo.

But enough is enough! Everyone put your hands down!

Did you hear about the guy who circumcized himself with
pinking shears becaused he wanted a frilly dilly?  OUCH!!
Now he can tickle his own fancy. Double ouch!

Thank you, MISTER reid, for the seed that spawned the
beginnings of my signature.

oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo
Binary 4s all around. And a bit bird to you too! 
Some people don't know the difference
between a grin and a grimace.
/s/Dennis (nealhd@memstvx1.edu)
oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo