From: aatresa@lims01.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: staying in my body; how??
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date: 28 Aug 1992 13:13 EST  

In article <1992Aug27.160741.6304@iscsvax.uni.edu>, weaverli0469@iscsvax.uni.edu writes...
>I've had trouble in the past staying in the here and now when "things" are 
>happening. Is there anything that has worked for anyone to stay in while 
>they're making love.

I have had the same problem.  I'm working on overcoming it with a new SO. 
Things that work for me (your mileage may vary) are:
	1)  He is aware of my abuse, though not of specifics.  We're still 
getting acquainted and I don't want to just dump it all on him.  I think 
that your SO must know that you have problems, so that he doesn't get 
surprised by a reaction from you (whether that reaction is to space out or 
to freak)
	2)  I am pretty good at realizing *when* I'm starting to space.  
When I recognize that I'm starting to veg, I open my eyes and remind myself 
that I'm with someone new, not my old abusers.  
	3)  Since we've talked a *lot* about my abuse issues, we've also 
made the decision that it's ok to say no or stop.  In previous 
relationships I've been afraid to do that (I'd be a "tease" or "he deserves 
it").  He has told me that he'd much rather suffer a little discomfort now 
than lose our relationship because I did something I really didn't *want* 
to do.

I'm very lucky, because he has placed a high value on himself, on me, and 
on the relationship.  He is very aware of what is going on with me, so if I 
start to veg, he usually picks up on it before I even say anything.  He 
"checks in" with me fairly frequently, just to make sure.  We've also 
talked and talked about what he could/should do when I veg, or when I freak.
It's only happened once, and it was pretty early on.   I told him after the 
panic attack (he tried to hold me after it started...*bad* move) that what 
he needed to do was just keep reminding me who he was, what year it was, 
where I was, and that I was safe.  We've had no other problems like that 
one.

I guess the only thing that *really* works is to just keep talking.  There 
are a lot of landmines in a physical relationship for me.  Every time we 
find one, we just talk it to death.  And we laugh a lot.  My favourite line 
is "I'm expensive, but *worth* it!"  

>It's not fair that I don't have the feelings that are normal while making love.

You're right, it's *not* fair.  But we can reclaim that part of our lives.
And, one thing that worried me about this line, are you making love because 
*you* want to?  That is the key to making it work, at least for me.  If 
you're doing it for him you *will* have problems.  As one of my friends put 
it (a male) *no* one who loves you wants pity sex.  They want a willing 
partner.

>These are new feelings for me also scary which it shouldn't be. 

If you are an abuse survivor, sex *should* be scary.  Recognize that 
"scaredness" as an emotion.  If you are feeling *anything* you are 
connected to yourself and the situation.  Congratulations!
Talk with him about these feelings *before* you get into a physical 
situation.  Let him know that you're worried about vegging out, so that 
*he'll* be aware.  The idea is to be *partners* not adversaries.  If you 
*both* are working towards the objective of being together, in whatever 
form, your chances for success are *more* than doubled!

Good luck to you, Shawna!


I just wanted to know what others do.  My methods work *most* of the time, 
but we've only just begun.  I'm not sure about what may happen the more 
intimate we become.  Any help from others out there?  I know it's personal, 
but, hey, *most* of what we talk about is pretty personal.  :-)

-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery