HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: baldwa@adobe.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What is ia a time?
Keywords: smirk, computer
Date: 8 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT
Organization: Adobe Systems, Mountain View, CA, USA

I got this message back from our sys. admin in response to my question
about clock time on my Silicon Graphics machine (It was half an hour behind
the actual time)

From: jhammond (John Hammond)
To: baldwa
Subject: Re: SGI time

Sanjay,

DEC time, SGI time, and your time are all different because the SGI
functions so much faster than the DEC and the DEC functions faster than
you. Time from your frame of reference would appear to slow down
particularly on the SGI but the same would hold for the DEC to a
lesser degree. This difference would become apparent to you as a 
difference in time between the DEC and the SGI. A corollary to this
of course is that the SGI will physically appear longer than the DEC.

So all you would need to do is take out your tape measure, measure the
length of the SGI when it is running and compare that distance to when
it is not running, subtract the two values, divide this value by the
speed of the machine ( in light years), this will give you the value
to add to the apparent SGI time.
--

John
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Date: Tue, 8 Sep 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: als@bohra.cpg.oz.au (Anthony Shipman)
Subject: fear of flying
Keywords: true, chuckle

[From the paper today]

The airline business has always had a rich sense of humour, and one
purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the
tradition.  It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an
off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of
serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the
aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest.

The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and
flies all the time, she tells him.  There is nothing to worry about;
the pilots have everything under control.  "Madam," he replies, "I am a
Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is
doing."

-- 
Anthony Shipman
Melbourne, Australia, 3121

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From: kst@flash.telesoft.com (Keith Thompson @pulsar)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Hurricane Andrew
Keywords: topical, smirk, original
Date: 15 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT

I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to
send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew.  After all, both
Florida and Louisiana have oil.
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Date: Sat, 5 Sep 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Cygnus Support -- +1 415 322 3811
From: zoo@cygnus.com (david d `zoo' zuhn)
Subject: Job Interview pointers....
Keywords: original, chuckle

I was on the interviewer side of a job interview for the first time a
few days ago, and in preparation I asked many people for help and
advice.  I received a set of sample questions from a best friend in a
previous life.  

All credit or blame for the following truly belong to Brian R. Smith
(brsmith@cs.umn.edu), and is reproduced here by permission:


   "How do you work in a team situation when all the other team
   members are fools and idiots?"

   "How well do you program under the influence of hard drugs?"

   "Have you ever beaten or killed a co-worker?"

   "Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've
   stolen from each of your previous employers."

   "Do you object to bullwhips in the workplace?"

   "Emacs or vi?"

   "You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word
   processing in FrameMaker.  Which GNU packages would you install for
   your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?"

   "You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the
   road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens
   of users are waiting for.  Do you let the puppy die?"  "Why not?"

   "How much of your workday would you waste by reading news?"

   "Recite the GNU Manifesto."

   "How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail
   only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation
   does this have to angels and pinheads?"
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From: friedl@mtndew.tustin.ca.us (Stephen Friedl)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: How to fix the social security problem
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 4 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT

[ Brad: original by me, referring to the old folks living in Florida -- SJF]

It seems to me that big hurricanes running through Florida
may very well be the answer to the Social Security problem.

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From: snm@cc.gatech.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Yet anudder Dan Quayle joke
Keywords: original, smirk, computer
Date: 6 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT

I was teaching UNIX system programming to a bunch of programmers.
I was explaining that when a parent forks, the newly created child
does not know who the parent is, unless it makes a call the system
to find out (getppid). At this point, someone shot a question from
the back of the class:

	Student: "So, the child does not know who the parent is"?

	Me: "That's right". It needs to make a call to find out".

	Student: "Hmm..., Dan Quayle is not going to be happy about this one".

Needless to say, it took quite a while for me to teach again.
--

Sathis Menon
College of Computing
Georgia Tech.
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From: cortese@skid.ps.uci.edu (Janis Maria Cortese)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: realistic baby dolls
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 11 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT


Seeing as how global overpopulation is such a pressing issue, my
boyfriend and I were thinking about the things that could be done to
alleviate it.

One of the things that makes people underestimate what it takes to raise
a baby is they way they are told about it in childhood -- in other words
baby dolls.  My boyfriend and I thought on this one and came up with a
few top sellers that would illustrate to any seven year old girl what it
really takes to raise a kid:

Baby Ain't-Gonna-Eat-This-Shit:  A small magnet glued to the inside of
the doll's face turns the head every time a spoon is brought too close.
A special spring system throws one arm up to knock to spoon out of the
loving mommy's hands and onto her clothes. 

Baby Dump-Your-Pants: Self-explanatory.  A special additive at a minial
extra cost simulates the true olfactory experience of changing an
infant's diapers.  Again, special spring systems insure that the infant
will not sit still but will instead squirm around and get out of your
hands just like a REAL BABY!!

Baby Up-At-Two-AM: A timer in the doll attached to a loudspeaker
automatically starts screaming every night at 2 in the morning.  Perfect
for those seven year olds who work swing shift!

Baby Colic:  A patented orange dye implanted into the skin of the doll
intensifies over a period of a week.  Removal of the timer from the
loudspeaker system also recreates temperament of a sick infant.

Baby Screams-In-Public-Places:  For those working mommies and daddies
who can't pay for a babysitter, here's what's in store for YOU!
 
Junior Toddler NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!:  Again, an eerily realistic
attempt to recreate the experience of dealing with a 2 year old. 

And for the older crowd:

Unwed Teenaged Mother:  Just twist her arm, and she gets pregnant!

Unwed Teenaged Father:  Teaches children an important lesson when, upon
getting the box home, they open it and discover that the doll is gone.

(thunk up by Janis Cortese and Mike Zintl) 
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From: major.panix.com!dos@panix.com (Dave O'Shea)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Elections (original)
Keywords: funny
Date: 5 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT
Organization: Surely you jest

Watching the democratic party in a presidential contest is like watching 
a washing machine with a defective bearing: It starts up smoothly
enough, but soon, it begins to wobble and shake, jumping violently from
place to place, until it tears itself to pieces, spewing dirty laundry
all over the room.

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From: SCOTH@wmvm1.cc.wm.edu ( Scott Hammer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: IBM VM Joke
Keywords: computer, chuckle
Date: 7 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT

Just a bit of pre-Memorial Day IBM humor.  About 1978, IBM put out a poster
touting the virtues of VM.  On this poster was the text:

If it's there and you can see it -- it's real
If it's not there and you can see it -- it's virtual
If it's there and you can't see it -- it's transparent
If it's not there and you can't see it -- you erased it!

Sorry if this is too much of an old chestnut for some of you -- this is the
first I'd heard of it.
--
-Scott Hammer
 College of William and Mary
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Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: LMSC, Sunnyvale, California
From: record@force.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com
Subject: Dolly Parton a dumb blond?
Keywords: smirk

Heard on Paul Harvey this week:

Dolly Parton says she is not offended by "dumb blond" jokes because
she knows she is not dumb....and she knows she is not blond.
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From: 100010.2547@compuserve.com (Richard Leake)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Tallest Men Club (UK)
Keywords: funny, sexual
Date: 6 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT
Reply-To: rmleake@cix.compulink.co.uk

Heard on the Radio 4 programme, Loose Ends, Saturday 30th May:

Background: Interview with a member of the Tallest Men Club, a club
            for tall men, the interviewer was asking the guy, who was
            7 foot 4 inches, about all the jokes he had had to suffer:

"Don't you get fed up with all the jokes?"

"Well, I've heard them all before, "Have you got an aircraft warning
light on your head?", etc"

"But what do you say when they ask THE question:
  "Are you ALL in proportion?"  "

"Oh, I've got a good answer to that, I always say "Thank god NO!
otherwise I'd be 8 foot 4!"



--
Richard Leake
100010.2547@Compuserve.com
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Date: Mon, 14 Sep 92 19:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Republican Dance Music
From: thief@cici.eng.sun.com (Greg Kimura)
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

                      REPUBLICAN DANCE MUSIC

by Greg Kimura

After the Wynonna Judd debacle at the Republican Convention (thousands
of white people clapping out of beat to a disconcerted Judd singing
"Why not me?") many commentators, columnists and political pundits have
knocked Republicans about their inability to dance.  These knocks are 
pretty much in the same vein:

>Most Entertaining Part of the Republican Convention:
>Watching an auditorium full of white people make idiots out of
>themselves, trying to keep time to Waynona Judd.

This politically incorrect obsdervation is an offense to all fair minded
Americans, and must not go unchallenged.  In LeVon Lee's ground
breaking article in the Journal of Endocrinolgy titled "White
Republican Dancing: Genetics or Culture?" found that this type of
arhythmic movement to popular music is perceived by 9 out of 10 white
Republicans as "funky."

Lee suggests that the rhythmically challenged be presented more
prosodic and metrical forms of music, e.g. polkas, before graduating up
to more complex rhythmic forms such as the aforementioned Wynonna
Judd.  Lee maintains that with our patience and committment, these
people are "even capable of dancing to the Republo-Latin beats of
Gloria Estefan."  Tragically though, he notes that the Pointer Sisters
and Michael Jackson are far beyond their primitive capabilities.  "We
must foster an atmosphere of tolerence and understanding for these
people," he said.  Lee calls for Americans to support nothing less than a
full-scale rhythmic affirmative action program.

In support of this program I humbly submit the following song to Rich
Bond of the Republican National Committee:


        THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY 

(sung to the Beverly Hillbillies)

Let me tell you bout a story bout a man named Bush
   A rich Yale Grad whose life was always cush
But then one day as he ran for chief exec
   He hung Willie Horton 'round Mike Dukakis neck
Crime that is.  Black Gold.  Texas Tee...

Well the next thing you know ole George is president
   But he chose Dan Quayle to his party's great lament
He named Clarence Thomas to be Justice of his Court
   Pissed off the women with an Afro-Bob Bork
No choice that is.  Back in the kitchen!  Cookies...

Well 4 years later his campaign is on the rocks
   He said don't they know how I bombed 'em in Iraq!
Now he blames all his problems on a congress he abhors
   And the voters tell the polls they want Clinton and Gore.
Bill that is.  Sax playing white boy.  Uppity wife.  And no Perot...




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From: ben@bailey.UUCP (Ben Bailey)
Subject: Re: R U lokoing for Lydia?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: 15 Sep 92 08:15:42 GMT
Distribution: world
Organization: Ben Bailey's Home..Tampa Fl.

harley@engrhub.ucsb.edu (Hahn) writes:
> BTW, does anyone know what "Kinkankee" is? 

Well, not sure of the spelling, but I think it's the same town that
Arlo Guthrie is talking about in his song about the train "City of New
Orleans', lately being sung by Willy Nelson.

Ben
From: rdippold@qualcom.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: She is sooooo dark !!!!
Date: 15 Sep 92 03:23:43 GMT
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA

sanjiv@cse.unl.edu (Sanjiv K. Bhatia) writes:
>Here is the kind I need:
>	She is so dark that when she sat in my car, I had to turn the
>	headlights on to find my way even in broad daylight.

From either Mark Curry or Daymon Wayans, I forget which one:

  Oh yeah?  Yo' mama so dark, when she go to night school the teacher
  marks her absent.
   
I think it was Wayans talking about the dozens... he followed up with:

  Hey!  Let's not be bringin' mothers into it!  Let's get off mothers.
  Yeah.  Let's get off mothers.  I just got off yours...

-- 
FEAR OF AIDS CUTS DOWN ON VAMPIRE ATTACKS!  -- National Enquirer
From: cybapunk@hovel.welly.gen.nz (Phil Ross)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: New Zealander joke
Keywords: Barf!
Date: Sun, 06 Sep 92 12:09:03 +1200
Distribution: World
Organization: The Hovel Bulletin Board System

meachen@med.wcc.govt.nz writes:

> What did the Australian do when he saw his Holden get stolen?
> He wrote down the number plate.

Here's a goodie, but an oldie, but a goodie.

An Englishman, American and Australian are talking about their new cars...
Says the Englishman to the rest "I've got a BMW, and I call it `Pussy'."
The others say "Why do you call it `Pussy'?"
The Englishman replies "Because it purrs like a cat."

The American, then boasts "Pah, I've got a Mercades Benz, and I call it
`concorde' because it cuts through the air.."

The Australian then steps forward and shouts "I've got a Holden, and I call
it `clitoris'."

The other two guys crack up laughing, and after they recover, they ask
the Australian why he calls it `clitoris'.

The Australian said, "'Cos every cunt's got one."

--
cybapunk@hovel.welly.gen.nz    X Phil Ross
cybapunk@tornado.welly.gen.nz  X Sysop of The Hovel BBS
cybapunk@sideways.welly.gen.nz X Author of Lords And Ladies, _THE_ BBS door!
     ... If at first you don't succeed, redefine success ...
From: gilmore@venice.sedd.trw.com (Larry Gilmore)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Date: 15 Sep 92 20:40:43 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor
Organization: TRW Systems Engineering & Development Division, Carson, CA

In article <1992Sep15.195320.26504@lclark.edu> harrison@lclark.edu (Mark Harrison) writes:
>In article <BuMxo4.9Cs@ireq.hydro.qc.ca> beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard) writes:
>>In article <MS3JTRG@taronga.com> peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva) writes:
>>>Hibberts Law #14:
>
>Harrison's Law #1:
>      
>Harrison's Law #2:
>   
Harrison's Law #3: When some dong decides to post a followup, (s)he will
quote the entire 97 lines of the original and add 2 lines that aren't funny.

Harrison's Law #4: Then every entering freshman in the country and half
the world discover the Net and decide to share all their humor with the
rest of the world.  (How many blond joke lists have YOU seen in the last
month?
>
>
>-- 
>=============================================================================
>Mark Harrison           |  "We are the Priests, of the Temples of Syrinx
>harrison@sun.lclark.edu |   Our great computers fill the hallowed halls."
>              -- Me     |                                    -- Rush


-- 
Larry A. Gilmore             Internet: gilmore@venice.sedd.trw.com
TRW SEDD, DH1/2849
P.O. Box 6213                Phone:    (310)764-3318
Carson, CA 90746             Fax:      (310)764-3946
From: teskey@plains.NoDak.edu (Dr. Snake Voivod)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: My favourite pick-up line (sorta)
Summary: Another slap..
Date: 12 Sep 92 13:39:19 GMT
Article-I.D.: plains.20289
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computing Network

In article <92252.144032HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu> HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu writes:
>In a bar/pub/club/disco/dance hall/church picture this.
>
>Across the room, she is sitting there.  A stunning vision of beauty with
>all the right things in all the right places.  You get up the nerve and finish
>your drink/confession.  Walk over, look herin the eye and say:
>
>Hi.  Can I buy you a drink/lunch?
>
>If she says "YES", you're in.  If she says "Piss off, you little dweeb" I
>like to respond with:
>
>"That's OK, I had to go take a shit anyway..."

On that line, I always liked this one..

Me: (walking up an eligable looking girl) "Want to dance"

Girl: No way.

Me: (speaking much louder) MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME.. I SAID YOU LOOK REALLY
FAT IN THOSE _PANTS_

============================================================================
Mark W. Teskey                            

INTERNET:                  teskey@plains.nodak.edu		o/
BITNET:                    teskey@plains                       <|   stayin'
UUCP:                      ...!uunet!plains!teskey	       / >  alive!
============================================================================
-- Hi! I am a .signature virus. Copy me into your .signature to join in! --
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rescorla@rtnmr.chem.yale.edu (Eric Rescorla)
Subject: Re: NoTitle
Organization: Rescorla for himself.
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 03:06:35 GMT

In article <92254.223620HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu> <HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>I'm sorry, but since you need to nitpick, the speed of light that you gave
>was HARDLY accurate.  I computed three more significant digits.  More
>accurately, c=186282.397061 miles/second.  OR, if you prefer a REAL
>measurement system, that is approximately 299,792,458 meters/second.
Actually, there is a precise number. The second is now defined
as the time it takes light to travel xxx meters, or something like that.
(EITHER that or the meter is defined as the distance light travels
in .yyy seconds). In either case, the speed of light is a defined
rational number.
-Ekr

-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eric Rescorla, DoD#431 (Nighthawk S)              rescorla@rtnmr.chem.yale.edu
Former chemist now CM400 mechanic                 ekr@eitech.com(preferred)
                       I will hack Unix for food.
From: thurmag@mist.CS.ORST.EDU (Gary Thurman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: aquatic?
Date: 6 Sep 92 16:39:01 GMT
Organization: Oregon State University, Computer Science Dept.

In article <1992Sep3.134500.12852@phillip.edu.au> t9114138@phillip.edu.au writes:
>In article <1992Sep2.135516.614@csc.canterbury.ac.nz>, canterbury.ac.nz (Greg OShea) writes:
>> What is big,  hard and full of semen?
>              ^
>	     long
>
>> 
>> A submarine.

How do you circumcise a whale?


With "four-skin-divers"!


-- 
        _**_                   "We came...We saw...We kicked some ASH!"
       /____|-IIIIIIIIIIII      Gary Thurman ------ FIREFIGHTER/EMT 
     >| 132 |-----------\       Email:  thurmag@mist.cs.orst.edu
      +-(O)--------(O)--+       Corvallis, Oregon
From: ahummel@ems.cdc.com (H. Austin Hummel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wet-Backs
Date: 9 Sep 92 13:32:17 GMT
Reply-To: you@ems.cdc.com
Organization: Empros Systems International, a division of CDC

In article <memo.616815@cix.compulink.co.uk>, hallan@cix.compulink.co.uk (Hugh Allan) writes:
|> Excuse me for asking, but what's a wet-back?
|> 

Something like a green-back only wet.
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Funny Names
Date: 14 Sep 1992 17:33:22 GMT
Organization: Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory
Reply-To: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
NNTP-Posting-Host: prem.lbl.gov

	On the subject of funny names.......

	Anyone know if George Burns has a son called Richard ?? (get it ??)

	Prem!