From: shimoff@umbc4.umbc.edu (Eliot Shimoff)
Subject: Re: PLEASE!  I need your help!  Help me keep this love alive!
Organization: Univ. of MD, Baltimore County
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 16:44:24 GMT

To briefly summarize your problem, you have fallen in love with a Jewish
girl who parents adamantly oppose her dating -- and ultimate marriage --
to a non-Jew. What can you do?  Will it help to talk with the parents'
rabbi?

First, try to understand things from the parents' perspective.  They
see themselves as part of a continuing Jewish tradition that goes back
many thousands of years.  In all liklihood, their parents or grandparents
were strictly observant Jews.  Their ancestors enjoyed the beauty of
Judaism, and lived their lives as Jews.  They also suffered because of their
beliefs; many may have died rather than reject their faith.  They believe --
with justification -- that their daighter's marriage to a non-Jew is likely
to mean that their grandchildren will not be a part of the continuing
tradition.

Their pain is every bit as sincere and deep as is your love for her and as
is her love for her parents.  They are not driven by hatred of you, but by
love of their own religious and ethnic heritage.  Please understand that.

Possible solutions?  Judaism accepts sincere converts unconditionally,
but her parents -- and the rabbi -- are unlikely to assume that your
conversion is driven by a sincere commitment to Jewish law and practice.
Still, sincere conversion may be a possibility worth investigating if
you are interested.  (If your children [when/if they come] are raised
as Jews, they will be accepted as full-fledged members of the Jewish
community, and that may mitigate her parents' pain.)

Talking to the rabbi may help, but do not expect him (if the parents are
Conservative, the rabbi will almost certainly be male) to join forces
with you to convince her parents that intermarriage is acceptable.  
Conservative (and, so far as I know, the _vast_ majority of Reform)
rabbis do not approve of intermarriage.

If conversion does not seem like an acceptable alternative, you (and she)
have some tough choices.  If you marry, she may be forever alienated
from her parents; is that a price the two of you are willing to pay?
Will that pain forever mar your lives?  Will there forever be a small
empty part of her that you will never be able sooth?  Can you be sure?

Have you discussed religion?  What are you going to do about Christmas?
Rosh haShana and Yom Kippur.  Religious education for children?  Are
there religious traditions she will want to keep that you will be
willing to accept for the rest of your life?

Since I know neither of you, my advice is cheap.  Your mutual love
will have to be strong enough to overcome her loss of parental 
connections and the stressed of differing religious and cultural
values.  Such love must be very strong.  How can you tell?

How about separating from one another for six months.  Date
others.  Meet others.  Spend time with others.  Is your love
strong enough to endure the six-month separation?

During that time, she will have some heavy thinking to do.  
It might be wise for her to discuss this matter with her rabbi;
he may have some valuable insights.

This is the holiest time of the Jewish year, in which each of us
must examine our own lives, and deterine the extent to which we
are living the way G-d wants us to live.  Both of you must examine
your lives, and your hopes, and your commitments.

Yours is a tragic situation, and there are no easy solutions.
Furthermore, the wrong choice may lead to great pain for many
years.  May G-d grant you both the wisdom and courage and integrity
to do the right thing.  (For the record, I am unalterably and
irrevocably opposed to intermarriage.  And cases like yours, which
are not unique, lend credence to arguments against interfaith
dating as well.)



-- 
Eliot Shimoff                  |    n   n   n
   shimoff@umbc3.umbc.edu      |   X + Y = Z .  Easy to prove no solutions
Ashamnu, bagadnu, gazalnu ...  |   for n greater than 2.  Darn.  Can't fit
Better luck next year!         |   it into this little .sig file.  Oh well.
Newsgroups: soc.culture.jewish,soc.culture.polish