HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Bob's your uncle!
Date: 9 Sep 92 20:36:02 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4


Sorry  about    the  facetious  sounding  header  :-)  my  humour
occasionally is what  keeps  me  sane.  Is one supposed always to
maintain the header on the original posting?

>The part I wanted to comment on was
>From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
>    On the positive side, I feel like I'm climbing back out.  That I've
>remembered the worst.  My memories lately have been more like, "Oh, yeah.
>There was that too."  More abuse, but nothing any worse than I've remembered
>already.  And this old urgent pressure to remember is gone.  I've for so
>long felt the need to remember what happened.  All of it.  I've tried to
>dig, examining every fragment of memory I've had from all angles.  That
>need, that urgency has gone!

I am so glad  and  relieved  to hear that this kind of experience
may be part of the healing process.  Certainly glad that you have
experienced it and are finding where you are rewarding.

After great agonies about seeking out my exact memories (I  can't  seem
to push or force them) I have settled *somewhat* for what I have.   There 
are also some pretty specific pointers to what the still-hidden  memories
likely contain :-<.  That is quite upsetting enough <sigh>   I  guess  I am
not yet ready for the direct recall.  Oddly enough, by refraining from
pushing  I  have  found more of my childhood simply "accessible",
possibly similar to your experience.

An interesting insight, Robert:  thank you.   I can hardly wait to see 
what is still in store for me (but I will wait if that is what it takes).

"Kristian" 
who took an alternative route to asar today just as an
adventurous experiment.  Hey!   we  take  risks when and where we
feel comfortable! 

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: TY.AU7@isumvs.iastate.edu (C. MARIE RIGGINS)
Subject: Tammy Zywicki
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 01:02:18 GMT

I haven't heard anything about the murder of Tammy Zywicki on here.
Maybe they didn't give it much press outside of the midwest.  For
those of you who didn't hear about it I will try to summarize it
briefly.
21(?) year-old Tammy Zywicki was driving to school at Grinell Univ.
when her car broke down on the interstate.  Witnesses saw a man
driving a white semi with rust-colored diagonal stripes stop to help
Tammy fix the car.  She was missing for about two weeks when a body
was found along an interstate in Missouri.  It took two days and
Tammy's dental records to identify her body (apparently it had
decomposed enough that the hair and eyes appeared to be a different
color than they really were).  She had been stabbed 7(?) times in the
chest.  No one seems to be able to find the truck or the driver who
was the last person to see her alive.
Does it freak anyone else out that this was a girl about the same age
as a lot of people on here (I'm assuming a good number of the people
are in college)?  Any one of us could have our car break down and
trust someone to help us fix it and end up wrapped in a blanket and
tossed along the roadside until a passerby sees our body.  Where can
we be safe?  This touches me a little closer to home than it might
others because I have a father who has vowed to "get her whatever it
takes".  It scares the sh*t out of me to think that I could be
walking along in broad daylight and not be seen again until the only
means of identifying my body are dental records.  Sure, don't get into
someones car unless you know them, but that's not always as simple
as it seems.  What if whoever killed Tammy had a gun or threatened
her in some other way?
I try hard not to be paranoid, but recently I've started having n
nightmares about watching Tammy's murder but somewhere in the middle
of the dream Tammy turns into me.
Had to get that off my chest and see if anyone else had any thoughts
on the subject.
Marie
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: koepp@cc1.unt.edu (Cynthia Koepp - Computing Center)
Subject: inspirational writings, etc.
Organization: Computing Center, UNT
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 14:42:31 GMT

Hi.  This is my first posting to this group--I hope I'm doing it right!

I am a survivor and I have gotten a lot of help from books like _The 
Courage to Heal_, from Sharon Olds' poetry, and also the books _An 
Unknown Woman_ and _Stations of Solitude_, both by Alice Koller.

Anyway, I was wondering whether anybody else out there has favorite books, 
poems, movies, etc. 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear)
Subject: sinking big time
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:40:58 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


10pm 9-02-92

Poohbear made a contract with her therapist tonight that she would not
cut herself or kill herself.  She left for most of the session and got
the therapist very worried and didn't want poohbear to be able to go
home.  I hate all this and myself and why the fuck can;t i just get it
together.  sometimes i have it so together.  therapist (i hate that
word, does it freak others out that it says the rapist???) also said
she didn't think starting the semester was good for poohbear.

just forget it



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From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: testing
Date: 14 Sep 92 03:50:04 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4


sent 09-13-92

11:24 pm EST

poohbear

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: Just Questions w/answers
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date: 10 Sep 1992 10:14 EST  

>>> Where were you un-involved parents or adult protective figures? Did none of
>>> us have them?
>>

I wrote a poem a couple of days ago.  First time I've done anything 
"creative" since 1981, after years of short stories and poems that were 
published along with singing, dancing, acting.  Seems like someone might 
have noticed that I stopped being able to act.  Just lacked the strength to 
be myself *and* other people.

Anyway, I hope that this has meaning to someone else.  

************************************************
The brother, more enemy than friend.
The aunt and uncle, unwilling to control
their sons, more kissing than cousin.
The strnger who entered the patriarch's role -
decided to teach the bright, shiny soul the ways of sailors and men.
And, cruellest of all, the parents:
the nurturers who were not,
the protectors who did not,
the blind who saw, yet acted not.
The ones who call this family dysfunctional.


Gentleness to all
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
From: erc@khijol.upl.com (Ed Carp)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: APS, version 0.5
Date: 15 Sep 92 10:01:29 GMT
Reply-To: erc@apple.com

I've modified the APS slightly, so that the header shows the correct ID for
anonasar@khijol.UUCP.  There are more minor changes, so I'll be posting the
software to alt.sources (again).

"And we thank you for your support..."  :)
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com, khijol!erc@saturn.upl.com       801/538-0177

"I never thought I'd see the President of the United States on nationwide TV,
giving out 1-800 numbers."    -- Susan Spencer, CBS White House correspondent
From: aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat)
Subject: Just a test - Don't Read
Organization: Software Engineering Institute
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:42:59 GMT

kjg


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com (Walter Moore)
Subject: Re: nightmares
Reply-To: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com
Organization: Amoco
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 18:46:57 GMT

In article CDs@twwells.com, anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes:
>
>i know other people have them..do they ever go away???
>

YES!

>*********
[ snip of interesting stuff on auras ]
>
>i also had my tarot read.....
>the reading came out fairly on the positive side so i'm happy. I may
>come out of this alive one day after all.there were alot of references
>to me being calm and steady on the outside.....but being in turmoil on
>the inside, and me being unsure of my exact goals, and me being in the
>process of healing. I know that everyone doesn't believe in these things
>but i do, and it's given me a little positive push. I'm not as depressed
>as i was......but i am still depressed....this is a deep one.
>
I believe in it, but only from some people - there's too many charlatans out there.
>***************
>
>Speaking of, a friend of mine told me he wants me to call him if i ever
>am real bad. i know people say this all the time. How often do they mean
>it?

It really depends on the person. When I ask someone to call me if they need to, I
mean it, but everyone is not the same. You can only find out if you friend meant it
by calling him next time it starts getting bad.

> I never call, even though i've promised on occasion.....i never want
>to bother them (common theme?).
extremely common theme.
>
>****************
>
>Ahh, well i must depart, it's late and i have two presentaions in class
>tomorrow. g'night all.
>
Hope your presentations went well!

email hugs to all who wants/needs them!

TTYL & TANSTAAFL ---------------- Walter Moore 
      Internet: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com

..SCUBA divers do it with depth...blub...blub...blub...

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: assbc1@acad2.alaska.edu
Subject: PANDA by night!
Organization: University of Alaska
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 06:43:03 GMT

Greetings from PANDA,

Well, it is 2:30 in the a.m. and I just got totaly caught up on ASAR from when
I went away for the summer. I think there may be a link fault in my node due to
several lost messages I have sent over the past few days (three lost to date).

To Kricket (sp),

Hang in there, I know how hard it can be to face life, but as you said in your
post if you would have gone through with it it wouldn't have been for what you
thought. I you realy need some one to talk to and no one else is around then
you can call me (ok,ok, so it is the long distance call from hell). If you
write to me at assbc1@alaska I will send oyu my number. (Yes, I am scared that
my perp, who is a total looser when it comes to computers or any tech item,
would read it and contact me {like my mom wouldn't just give him the number if
he asked})

To Poohbear,

I have always loved those stories. They always made me feel like childhood was
suppost to be like that, a great adventure with lots of freainds. You have
realy shared a lot of pain during the past month, some thing that takes a lot
of courage and strength. If you can accept it then I offer you E-hugs and all
the support you can use.


As to the way I am doing, well....

I am hanging in ok. My so and I had a slow blowout today. It lasted from noon
untill about 10:00pm with her alternatingly pissed at me and in a bad mood tot
he other extream of being depressed and misrable. I was prety much the same way
for the day. As of this writting she is off to be and I am off to bed after
writing this. 

The one point I wanted to share was how I had thought I was coping so well,
untill my so repeated something from the Ohpra special. It riggered me into
running upstairs and hiding in my room with my boris bear held tightly and the
inner kids freaking out......(now I need to look into if anyone ever threatned
to kill me duringthe abuse.....sigh)

we did get it settled and dealt with. Part of the problem was I was tryingt o
get her to cheer up and be happy when she was pissed off at me, and then being
angry about tthe whole situation when she wanted to talk.

Oh well, I am off to bed.

lots of love and E-hugs to those who need want and can use them. You are all in
my thoughts,

PANDA

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: 5 reasons to be depressed
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 06:22:50 GMT

*** warning, this is not upbeat *************************














Ok, lessee if I can remember my five reasons (or is it
now six?)...  These reasons have been around for awhile,
but I haven't had the strength to post about them, right
now I'm a little drunk so I bet I can get this post out.
We'll see.

(1) I am basically unemployed, and looking for a job.
I keep having the recurring thought that I am gonna starve
to death and be homeless.  (Not necessarily in that order! :)

(2) I am all alone in the world.  Seems like everyone else
has a supportive SO and a great life.

(3) Same ole same ole ... am I progressing in healing, am
I letting past abuse rule my life ...

(4) Ye ole family secret (above and beyond the abuse) has
reared its ugly head, and the only person who truly loved
me and didn't abuse me may not have been who I thought they 
were after all.

(4.5) I just turned thirty, and feel very *old* and *alone*.
*yuck*

(5) I went to the doctor a month ago... she felt a lump in
my breast, and told me to come back in a month.  This was
a lump I'd thought I'd noticed back in April, but I figured
it was nothing.  So my second visit was a couple days ago,
she said it's still there, and she thinks there's another
one also.  Tuesday I go to the hospital for an ultrasound,
to see if it's just a cyst.

I don't know what to hope for.  Maybe I won't have to worry
bout this existence much longer.  But I sorta doubt I really
mean that.  Hell if I know.

Sorry if I didn't word this well.  Please don't worry.

-kk
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: ReNEE and Crystal
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 00:16:24 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com



Renee........i got your email

Crystal...... i sent you email......

today is Thursday at 7:oo pm



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From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: frustrated
Date: 14 Sep 92 22:31:17 GMT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

I've had the most frustrating experience! I have cerebral palsy,  and use 
an  electric cart. It  has been stalling lately. Today I went to the pharmacy 
on the blasted thing and  it stalled more than once. It stalled in the 
middle of the street! I pushed  it back to the curb. Then, the cops came! I 
was screaming and crying. It was so embarrassing! Maintence has the  *&&&**
$%%% thing now. When I get mad or frustrated I hurt myself. I didn't do it 
this time, but I wanted  to. Negative thoughts of myself run rampant in  my 
head. I think I've got them quieted down now. I'm glad abuse issues aren't 
bugging me too.

Erin Sue	
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: My mother
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 00:58:48 GMT

cryst@belay (Crystal Bell) writes:

[ deleted: the hardness of being a mother to your mother ]

>Are we surprised? she had taken off. 
>After all the crap she had put me through why on earth should I feel guilty
>about changing my unlisted phone number? (Actually i moved but that's
>not the issue) And making everyone who has it promise not to give it to her.
>I shouldn't feel guilty. after all she has NEVER ,EVER been there for me 
>when I needed her. Through any of the sexual abuse, Hell a lot of it was 
>her fault. She was the one who allowed her boyfriend to sell me. 

>Why do I feel guilty?????

because this culture says that children should be respectful and honor their
parents.  hell, it's even a commandment of christianity!  but of course, *we*
all know that it's a load of hooey when it comes to parents who don't give a
damn about the mental or physical health of their children.  you don't need to
feel guilty, crystal, you haven't done anything wrong.  all you're doing is
looking out for yourself.  there's nothing wrong with that.  if anyone should
feel bad about their behavior over the past 19 years, it should be your mother.
hang in there, crystal, and be proud of yourself for doing the healthy thing
for yourself.

(by the way, i *still* have to do a double-take every time i see your name on a
post.  :) )
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: But I love him
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 20:25:34 GMT

Teresa Kline (aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov) wrote:

: In article <BuIwvJ.5Fp@belay>, cryst@belay (Crystal Bell) writes...

: >About a year ago he was raped. Now I suppose all you cynics out there are 

: I probably should apologize to men everywhere.  Until I started dealing 
: with my own issues, I was one of those people who said men couldn't be 
: raped.  I now understand how it could and does happen.  I mean, I felt so 
: guilty for getting aroused during *my* rape...surely I can understand how 
: *any* one, male or female, could also do so.  But I must admit, it took my 
: understanding and forgiving of *myself* in order to understand how it could 
: happen to anyone.  Perhaps these other people just haven't had that 
: experience.  

There is a pretty famous case of two Mormon missionaries (male) being raped
by at least one woman - several years ago.  The penis can become erect from
some of the strangest things, many of which are beyond conscious control.
Teenage males commonly have multiple erections in a single day, often without
conscious control and without apparant stimulus.

You'd think that because of the fear involved in the rape, these guys would
be as limp as a wet noodle - but, no, tese guys were literally horrified to
watch themselves become erect - and then watch as the women used them for
their pleasure.  The report stated that the men got little pleasure out of the
act.

As for a woman getting aroused during a rape, if you stimulate the right spots,
you *will* feel pleasure.  If I stick you in the arm with a needle, it'll hurt,
no matter how much you don't want it to hurt, right?  Same with pleasure.
It's the nature of the emotions being involved with the sex act that makes
for the confusion.  Try and separate what you *felt* physically from what
you *felt* emotionally.  They really have no connection.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: boserj@netcom.com (Jeffrey Boser)
Subject: Re: two worlds
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 92 06:32:17 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:
>i think i know there is a forgone conclusion that i will kill myself.  we just
>have to see how long she can hold out before she succumbs.  and that drink
>form lethe seems oh so tempting.  oh so perfect.  oblivion.

<smile>

Little Boy Blue ran and ran, dodging
The big barky trees that flew by,
Scratching and Snagging at him,
Tearing bits and pieces of him away.

Tis the wounded one, who bleeds pain
Like tears from ducts overflowing.
The red blood seeps between clutched
Fingers, as he runs.

Thoughts and wishes and fear pass through
Blue's red head, dreams of no feeling,
Wishes of no running, and fears of being
Caught by himself.

Little Boy Blue chases himself in circles,
Pleading with himself to stop running,
Arguing centripital and fearful forces.

The answer dances endlessly at the end
End of his tail, endlessly grabbing it.
And afraid of nothing else in the world,
Except that Blue is right, and the world
Is running after its own tail.



.....jeff

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1222@twwells.com (raindrop)
Subject: none
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:13:53 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

ANON-Name:raindrop
ANON-Mail:yes
ANON-Ping:yes
ANON-Announce:yes

  Hi! I have been reading a.s.a.r. for awhile now. I have a problem that I hope
some of you can help me with. I recently started therapy to help recover from
my childhood trauma, and we are starting to delve into the scary things- it's
very intense. My problem is my SO- he doesn't seem to realize that I need his
help to recover, and he keeps doing things that drain my energy-it's almost
like he's sabotaging me! I have told him what kind of emotional support I need
from him, etc., and he keeps saying that he's going to help me, that he WANTS
to help me, and so on, but he keeps doing those stupid things and he tells me
that he doesn't know why!!! He says he doesn't want to do them, but why does
he keep on doing them, then?
  What can i say to him? What can I do? Leaving him is not really an option,
because he's actually a pretty good guy and I do love him, AND we are married
and he is supporting me right now while i'm in school, and I have no place else
to go.
  Please help me- you can post replies to the net or e-mail me through the APS.
I'm getting really desperate.
  Thanks,
  Raindrop



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Subject: I'm an uncle.
Organization: Reed College, Portland, OR
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 18:09:36 GMT



     Well, as of Friday, I became an uncle.  I thought this was supposed
to be a happy occasion.  :-(  My brother is unaware of our abuse, as far
as I know.  So this morning I mailed him a letter, mentioning a little of
what I've been going through and seeing if he wants to talk about it.  I
figure it's one thing I can try to do for my new nephew.  I haven't been
able to reach him by phone yet.  I was hoping to before the letter arrives.
Oh, well...  In my heart, I feel I have done the right thing.  My brother
reminds me so much of my father.  I can only hope he chooses not to follow
in his footsteps.
    On the positive side, I feel like I'm climbing back out.  That I've
remembered the worst.  My memories lately have been more like, "Oh, yeah.
There was that too."  More abuse, but nothing any worse than I've remembered
already.  And this old urgent pressure to remember is gone.  I've for so
long felt the need to remember what happened.  All of it.  I've tried to
dig, examining every fragment of memory I've had from all angles.  That
need, that urgency has gone!  I feel like I'm ascending from the valley
of the shadow of death.  Stronger and more whole than I ever could imagine.

     Anyway, take care all.
     Robert

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery