HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Subject: RICHH:  IN WHICH WE INTRODUCE GLANS LARGESSE
Followup-To: alt.prose.d
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 03:04:22 GMT

[]

     Vanilla shakes and butterscotch candy, spaghetti-o's, macaroni
and cheese.  I'm so happy, thought Glans Largesse, world-famous big
game hunter and all-around great guy, I got a girl that's easy to
please.
     Glans was known from the Sudatenland to Radar O'Reilly for
both his generosity and tender, flaky knishes.  It was said of
Glans, at the peak of his popularity, that he could walk into any
household on the planet and be recognized and offered shelter. 
Glans never put this myth to the test, though, preferring instead
to sleep under the stars, or in repose.
     Glans was pursued by many, caught, caged and skinned by none. 
His classic Nordic featureless face and nondescript physique became
as instantly recognizable as the can of the company that sells the
next most soup than Campbell's(what?  Progresso??).  
     What, you ask, what was the source of Glans' astounding
popularity?  Friends and family who knew the young Glans are almost
unanimous in pointing at his malformed genitals and laughing.  Once
done, they usually mumble something about how Glans, at a youth,
had such quirky and colorful turns of phrase that one couldn't help
but laugh at him.  By "laugh at", Glans informs us they really mean
"mock and ridicule and ostracize to the point of personality
malfeasance".   
     How easy it would have been to hate the young Glans.
     But through it all, one girl, one woman, one noisome toadstool
had faith in this maladjusted, anal retentive sociopath.  We catch
up with Kelly LeOxenFree in Argyle, Dubuque where she was waxing
her patootie:
     "Oh yeah, I guess I always loved Glans.  None of the other
boys would ever give me a second look.  But Glans would talk to me,
walk me home, tie me up and wing rubber bands at me until the tears
were streaming down my face and I was covered with little red welts
and he wouldn't stop, he wouldn't stop, he wouldn't stop, he
wouldn't stop--"
     "Thank you, Ms. LeOxenFree, but what about his colorful turns
of phrase?"
     "Oh yeah, those.  Hee hee hiyeeee.  The first one I remember
was one night he told me he'd eaten enough Chinese food to
'paralyze a gazebo'.  Hee hee."
     I said, "Gazebos don't eat."
     "And I bet you though yourself very clever."
     "Well, they don't.  And Glans said, 'Sure they do.  Out on the
Kalahari.  In their natural habitat.  That's where the gazebos roam
free.  Oh yeah."
     "And *that*, *that* is what made Glans so famous??"
     "Well, that and his hieroglyphic genitalia."

RICHH
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: mlegare@wetware.com (Dr. Robert (BoB) Tech)
Subject: lazy selfish bastard
Organization: Cappo Ferra 6
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 07:53:56 GMT

don't put misc.test in your Followup-To: field unless it's utter crap.
i just put /misc.test/h:j in my killfile.



Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.cesium,alt.non.sequitur
From: pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (big daddy hate box)
Subject: Re: My Favorite Molecule (or, Short Shameful Addiction)
X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a public access Unix system run by the University
	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 92 00:18:37 GMT

In article <1992Nov5.233737.13594@tc.cornell.edu> mdw@theory.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh) writes:
>My favorite molcule:
>   C H  N O
>    8 10 4 2
>                     O         CH
>                     ||       /  3
>	   H C       C       N:
>            3  \   /   \   /   \
>                 N       C       C - H
>                 |       ||    //
>                 C       C -- N
>               //  \   /
>              O      N
>                     |
>                     CH
>                       3
>
>The first person to identify this friend of mine gets to be a regular character
>in at least my next 3 stories. Please post your responses for real 
>entertainment value.
>


ok, what the hell, it's caffeine or 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine, a purine
derivative much like inosine.
the LD    for mice is 127mg/kg. enjoy. buy a merck index. also a diuretic.
      50	 

also, the guys in the trench coats have yet to arrive. i bet they show
tomorrow.
--
	     PJF--->BIOCHEM GRAD. STUDENT--U of UTAH oh yeah 
               "i am such a stupid,ignorant son of a bitch.
                           please kill me now."
						          "React with this!"
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: aaron@space.ualberta.ca (Aaron Humphrey)
Subject: Re: Gloat
Reply-To: aaron@space.ualberta.ca
Organization: University Of Alberta, Edmonton Canada
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 03:09:13 GMT

Speedy Gonzalez (trinas@mentor.cc.purdue.edu) wrote:
: In article <5NOV199209244194@cats.ucis.vill.edu> 126580828@cats.ucis.vill.edu (Matador of M83) writes:
: >It is men like yourself that give this country hope, and make me proud to 
: >be an American......
: >The Matador of M83
: 
: It is men like himself that give this country the reputation it has,
: and it is men like himself that will eventually bring this country
: down with its hatred of people within.
 
 "People within"?  What does that mean?  Hating those little men who run around
inside our bodies, carrying telegrams to and from our brain, pulling the little
levers to make our limbs move, and peering out through our eyeholes?

You just need to get them disciplined.  Let >them< live in fear.

--
---Alfvaen(Canadian SF Quasi-Activist)
"It's not my fault.  The orchestra has disappeared."
   ---Hector Berlioz
Current Album--U2:Under A Blood Red Sky
Current Read--Alexandre Dumas:The Three Musketeers
From: ranjit@unagi.cis.upenn.edu (Ranjit Bhatnagar)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: S S C
Date: 9 Nov 92 03:12:20 GMT
Followup-To: sci.physics
Organization: Ng!
In-reply-to: dnwangus@flash.LakeheadU.Ca's message of 7 Nov 92 21:52:08 GMT

>   I still think SSC stands for Super Serial Card

Superconducting Super Collider.


--
"Trespassers w"   ranjit@grad1.cis.upenn.edu	mailrus!eecae!netnews!grad1!...
	The surface of the water where they move swiftly about in curves.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Subject: Re: Becker is at it again.
Reply-To: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Organization: SCI Systems, Inc., Huntsville, Al.
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 16:24:05 GMT

In article <1992Nov9.204700.28864@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> mbur@nyx.cs.du.edu (MAC) writes:

>Becker is up to his same 'ol antics:

Becker is neither bizarre, nor difficult to deal with.

>From: mjd@gradient.cis.upenn.edu (Automatic newgroup Daemon)
>Date: 3 Nov 92 15:42:42 GMT
>Control: newgroup alt.flame.hairy-douchebag.meredith-tanner

Simply post a rmgroup with his sitename hand-edited into the path.

(Anybody heard from gypsy? How'd her move go?)


-- 
Gary Heston    SCI Systems, Inc.  gary@sci34hub.sci.com   site admin
The Chairman of the Board and the CFO speak for SCI. I'm neither.
"Data sheet: HSN-3000 Nuclear Event Detector. The [NED] senses the gamma
radiation pulse [from a] nuclear weapon." As if we wouldn't notice...
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: aaron@space.ualberta.ca (Aaron Humphrey)
Subject: I'm done.
Reply-To: aaron@space.ualberta.ca
Organization: University Of Alberta, Edmonton Canada
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 04:00:33 GMT

The last two four-word stories were the last of those assigned to me by the
denizens of t.b.  So I am free of my period of servitude.

More four-word stories may show up, but I'm no longer taking requests from
members of talk.bizarre.  I've had my fill, although it has been fun.

Stay tuned for an upcoming reposting of my Complete Four-Word Stories, for
those of you who >love< reading huge articles, or saving these thigns in neat
organized form for your archives.  Please remember they're all Copyright 1992
Aaron V. Humphrey, blah blah blah.

And that's why I'll have to kill you all.

--
---Alfvaen(Canadian SF Quasi-Activist)
"It's not my fault.  The orchestra has disappeared."
   ---Hector Berlioz
Current Album--George Harrison:Gone Troppo
Current Read--Jack McDevitt:The Hercules Text
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: And Still the Moon
From: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)
Organization: The Man With Ten Cats
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 14:10:56 GMT
Reply-To: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)

In article <SOL.92Nov9223059@mccolla.cogsci.ed.ac.uk> sol@cogsci.ed.ac.uk (Ana) writes:
>
>Andrew, 
>
>I'm impressed. Spider must be a hell of a place to post news
>to work at. Can you put in a nice word for a stressed out PhD-student? 

You have to understand that Andrew's posting are nonfiction, and are a
direct result of posting news from Spider.

-- 

Rick Kelly	rmk@rmkhome.UUCP	unixland!rmkhome!rmk	rmk@frog.UUCP
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: mlegare@wetware.com (The Steel General's Batsman)
Subject: Re: highway riding
Organization: Cappo Ferra 6
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 01:29:32 GMT

mdw@theory.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh) writes:

] In article <1992Nov7.034030.22341@wetware.com> mlegare@wetware.com (The Steel General's Batsman) writes:
] >don,
] >
] >dear don
] >
] >DEAR don,
] 
] [and so on...]
] 
] This would be much more dramatic with a form feed (^L) in between the
] first "dear don" and the second "DEAR don". 


form feeds
are the work of the devil.

if you can't utilize the ascii capability 
of a simple SCREEN TERMINAL
to communicate your intentions
(with space)
(with visual     					pacing)
then you're just not up to speed yet.
read.  learn.  evolve.

(and try not to drink as much as i did)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra)
Subject: Re: decisions, decisions revisted
Organization: t.b
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 01:15:41 GMT

cj@eno.esd.sgi.com (C J Silverio) writes:
> The author of "turn" just implemented author killfiles
> and a "mark author as important" feature.  So now there's
> no contest.

     Oh yes there is.  It's called "Let's See Who Can
Finagle Their Way Into CJ's Important File."

--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.asu.edu
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jperry@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (John Perry)
Subject: Re: LOVE SONG FOR CHELSEA CLINTON
Organization: UCLA, Computer Science Department
Distribution: talk
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 23:23:28 GMT

schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius) writes:
>
>they say you're moon-faced like your dad
>they call you ugly kid
>but I know you'll turn out moist and firm
>just like your mother did
>
>chelsea, oh chelsea
>tell dad I'll have you home by ten
>chelsea, oh chelsea
>let's lose these secret service men
>
>let's break into the oval office
>and break the statutory law
>you're thirteen, i'm twenty-six
>that's not so odd in Arkansas
>
>chelsea, oh chelsea
>i'll love you like no farm boy can
>chelsea, oh chelsea
>let's lose these secret service men
>

I really love your punk aroma
and your teen body oh so frail
I know you'll like my odor also
even if you don't inhale

chelsea, oh chelsea
if you're in love it's not a sin
chelsea, oh chelsea
let's lose these secret service men


			John

P.S.  next can we write a song about Mary-Jo Kopekne?



-- 
v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-
    "Reality is a sandwich that I did not order."
			       Zippy the Pinhead (for president)
^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-^-v-
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: kschnitz@encore.com (Kevin Schnitzius)
Subject: Re: the FBI is after me, really
Organization: Encore Computer Corporation
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 23:18:15 GMT

pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (big daddy hate box) writes:
>so, anyone ever have the FBI chase after them for a usenet posting. i
>suppose this is a good way to lose all net access. 

You should be afraid, very afraid.

Anything that attracts the attention of the FBI is immediately passed
directly to the IRS, who are well known for the torture practices that
they picked up Northern Iraq.
--
mr asynchronous                                   kschnitzius@encore.com
From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: short shameful confession
Date: 12 Nov 92 23:46:08 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)


I have a problem maintaining an erection during most Andy Rooney segments
on 60 Minutes.

RICHH
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gerald@torolab4.vnet.ibm.com (Gerald Oskoboiny)
Subject: I am in HEAVEN
Originator: gerald@gerald
Date: 11 Nov 92 04:55:12 GMT
Reply-To: gerald@torolab4.vnet.ibm.com
Organization: IBM Canada Ltd.
Followup-To: rec.music.jazz
Keywords: smirk, chuckle, pianist

Once again, it's jazz night on my walkman. I'm working on my tenor sax
impersonation tonight, I just hope the janitors appreciate my efforts.

To be perfectly honest, I only tune because I like hearing "He's really
an incredible pianist".

Gerald -crazy, man
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: kschnitz@encore.com (Kevin Schnitzius)
Subject: Re: City Driving Observation #27
Organization: Encore Computer Corporation
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 23:32:21 GMT

mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] The One True Cross") writes:

>In article <1992Nov10.164103.8480@netcom.com> richh@netcom.com (richh) writes:
>>   "If the lights are timed for 35, they're also timed for 70."

>    In fact, the lights turn out to be timed for *all* sufficiently
>great speeds S that exceed some minimum magic value.  You can prove this
>rigorously, but it's quite clear: If you go fast enough, you can zoom
>from one end of the city to the other before *any* of the lights have a
>chance to turn red.

>    I hope nobody is foolish enough to think this is one of those dry
>matchematical discussions with no practical application.

If you are going to give practical advice, tell the whole story.  In order
to make it across town instantly, you must catch all the yellow lights.
In the busier parts of town, this will remove those pesky law enforcement
officers of that tend to show up when you bury the needle downtown.  It
is a particularly pleasing sight in the rearview to watch those green-light
jumpers get t-boned.

And remember kids, if you exceed the speed of light, it goes green, red,
then yellow and you drive on the left, but that advice is better left for 
another time.
--
mr asynchronous                                   kschnitzius@encore.com
Xref: sparky talk.bizarre:37484 soc.singles:30241 alt.romance.chat:20486
From: tim@crash.canon.co.uk
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,soc.singles,alt.romance.chat
Subject: Re: Prgm/Analyst(3)-Chic., Atl., Nebraskaa
Date: 10 Nov 92 13:40:00 GMT
Followup-To: misc.jobs.offered,biz.jobs.offered,atl.jobs
Organization: me myself and i

In misc.jobs.offered, biz.jobs.offered and atl.jobs,
jurban@uoft02.utoledo.edu writes:
:
|Subject: Re: Prgm/Analyst(3)-Chic., Atl., Nebraskaa
                              ^^^^
Wow. A programmer/analyst chic. Sounds like the ideal date. How do I
meet her?

Tx? [programmer/analyst guy]
-- 
Tim F O'Donoghue <tim@crash.canon.co.uk> <uunet!canon!tim>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: sam@rmtc.Central.Sun.COM (Sam Falkner)
Subject: Re: Gloat
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 92 17:54:07 GMT

nau@ssesco.com (William Nau) writes:

>In article <1992Nov5.122812.21770@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>, tlhouse@nyx.cs.du.edu (fiver) writes:
>|> 
>|> One monkey out of office .. put another monkey in the office .. 
>|> 

>Yup.  Clinton can fuck things up just as easy as Bush.  He kept his state
>at the bottom, he can do the same for the country.  I've just lost faith
>in all politicians.  I would like to demolish both parties and start up
>ten or twelve new ones.  Ten or twelve?  Wow, a real choice!

actually, i think i have a practical solution.

has everyone seen the movie `super ninjas'?  if so, then you must
remember the five-element ninjas.  i think these would fit nicely into
political parties.

the five elements, soon to be five political parties:
    o gold
    o wood
    o water
    o fire
    o earth

and, as a system of checks and balances, everyone would be required to
watch the movie `super ninjas', where each of these different types of
five-element ninjas is defeated.  thus, each party has a weakness.  as
an example, to fight the gold ninjas (who reflect the sun into your
eyes), you have to be good at fighting with your eyes closed.

- sam
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: murphy's law
Organization: University of Central Florida
Distribution: talk
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 20:57:38 GMT

Our local paper recently had a "Murphy's Law" contest, 
where people write in with wacky laws they've come up
with.  Last year's winner was something like "Food
prices at restaurants vary inversely with the amount
of lighting" or something like that.  This year I was
tempted to enter one that I came up with which states:

  Schnitzius's Law of Originality:
	Someone already invented it.

Except I was afraid that this might already be Jones's
Law, or Baker's Law, or something like that.

------------------------------------------------------------
mark schnitzius           |  seeking guitar songbook for the
schnitzi@eola.cs.ucf.edu  |  clash's "london calling".  does
univ. of central florida  |  one even exist?  will pay top $
------------------------------------------------------------
From: curtis@cs.berkeley.edu (Curtis Yarvin)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: There was a time...
Date: 9 Nov 1992 01:02:35 GMT
Organization: CS Dept. Snakepit - Do Not Feed.
NNTP-Posting-Host: mamba.cs.berkeley.edu

When rock n' roll was easy.

c
"But now, it's clean and heavy."
From: annie@canetoad.UUCP (Annie)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Black Hole Theory (was Re: Graph, Theory)
Distribution: world
Date: 7 Nov 92 20:30:40 EDT
Organization: The Satellite of Love

In article <1992Nov6.075655.20054@wetware.com> billbill@wetware.com (Bill Bill) writes:

>Her chin a vertex. Many edges extend, and her eyes two important points.
>His nose a vertex. An adjustment, a reconfiguration, and a higher
>spanning distance. Their lips an infinite number of surfaces
>inside their head.
>
>                   Many continuous approximations of their
>                   several edges, and smooth time. All
>                   imperfect, necessary, sufficient.
>                   What complex molecules they prove, to 
>                   dock so like searching chains, so connected, can't 
>                   be cut in theory. So they think. So they search. Depth first.

Her grin a vortex. Many geodesics intend, and her eyes two event horizons.
His toes a vortex. An opposite charge, an angular momentum vector with Her
as the axis, and a greater mass. Their hips an infinite curvature 
encompassing everything.
                    
		    A metric discontinuity of their singularity, and
		    stretched (compressed) time. All distorted,
		    irrational, heavy. What complex photons they prove,
		    to orbit so in closed-in, perfect, spacetime.
		    So they share gravitons. So they range. Deep thirst.
Annie
--
Phunky physics terms courtesy of Larne@canetoad. However, he is not
responsible for their usage. All pertinent disclaimers apply.

...uunet!canetoad!annie                          canetoad!annie@uunet.uu.net

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu (A.D. Williams)
Subject: Re: IN FLAGRANTE INSECTAE
Originator: adw3345@ultb
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 22:50:58 GMT

In article <MJD.92Nov3010520@saul.cis.upenn.edu> mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Angel of Peddlers") writes:
>
>    But the truth is that women are all pretty fat, and that's all
>right, because they're supposed to be that way.  The women you think are
>skinny are the ones who are emaciated and starving.  They're what
>happens to a woman who tried to change her body into a man's.

MARKY MARK-JASON SPEAKS THE TRUTH.


              COMPARISON OF BODY FAT PERCENTAGES OF ATHLETES
                        IN VARIOUS SPORTS [1]

 SPORT                      % BODY FAT (MALE)            (FEMALE)

BASEBALL/SOFTBALL              14                          22
BASKETBALL                     10                          22
CYCLISTS                       10                          16
FOOTBALL                       14                          N/A
GYMNASTICS                      3                          13
ICE HOCKEY                     14                          N/A
JOCKEYS                        14                          N/A
RACE WALKERS                   10                          N/A
SKIING                         12                          20
SPEED SKATING                  12                          N/A
SWIMMING                        8                          20
SPRINTERS                       6                          10
MIDDLE DISTANCE RUNNERS         4                          13
DISTANCE RUNNERS                3                           9
DISCUS                         15                          20
SHOT PUT                       15                          25
JUMPERS/HURDLERS                6                          12
TENNIS                         15                          21
VOLLEYBALL                     11                          22
WEIGHTLIFTING                  12                          14
WRESTLING                       8                          N/A

SOURCE: Smith, Nathan J and Worthington-Roberts, Bonnie. "Food for
Sport". Palo Alto, California: Bull Publishing Company, 1989. (Fat
% chart on page 135).

N/A - no data available for women in that field. Obviously the authors
never went to RIT, where women's ice hockey kicks butt.

Trivia- My body fat % on 11/4/92 - 21.7% (measured at the clinic).


                                                     Derrick
                  

-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Derrick Williams   Rochester Institute of Technology | Insert snappy  -
- adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu     Computer Science        | quotation here -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Subject: Re: The Best Thing About Being an Amoeba
Reply-To: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Organization: SCI Systems, Inc., Huntsville, Al.
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 18:07:32 GMT

In article <MJD.92Nov10133609@saul.cis.upenn.edu> mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] The One True Cross") writes:

>Your favorite science fiction novel is _Solaris_, by Stanislaw Lem.

No, I think _Condor_ was much better. Metallic crystalline "flies" which 
congregate to destroy opponents with magnetic fields is more interesting
than phantasams being made whole.

And yes, I have both of them....


-- 
Gary Heston    SCI Systems, Inc.  gary@sci34hub.sci.com   site admin
The Chairman of the Board and the CFO speak for SCI. I'm neither.
"Data sheet: HSN-3000 Nuclear Event Detector. The [NED] senses the gamma
radiation pulse [from a] nuclear weapon." As if we wouldn't notice...
From: english@alicudi.usc.edu (Joe English)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Rictus Hep discusses medieval theology
Date: 12 Nov 1992 09:30:40 -0800
Organization: Nerds of Action
Distribution: world
Reply-To: joe@trystero.art.com
NNTP-Posting-Host: alicudi.usc.edu
Summary: Joe attempts his first Rictus Hep
Keywords: rot13




``I don't care how many there are!  Now tell them
  to stop dancing on me!''




--joe@trystero.art.com

  ignore this posting.