From: daniel@mertwig.uucp (Daniel Drucker)
Newsgroups: alt.kids-talk
Subject: *** shoot yourself in the foot 
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 18:57:10 EST
Reply-To: daniel%mertwig@uunet.uu.net  (Daniel Drucker)
Organization: Abnormalities of Reality


And then get it massaged!

 ******************************************
 ** How to shoot yourself in the foot: **
 ** Which language is right for you? **
 ******************************************


Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering  
you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water  
pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a  
SCUD missile launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in  
the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is  
impossible.

COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH  
ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN  
HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you  
shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company  
and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the  
next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot  
bullets.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run  
out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no  
exception-processing was anticipated.

Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot  
with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be  
a gun.

Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type  
for the gun and your hand is blown off.

PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the  
data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new  
mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.

Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three  
weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a  
bullet.

Robyn's first law of computers:
When putting something into memory, remember where the fuck you put  
it!!!

Programmer's Caste
 

 THE C PROGRAMMER
 God consults with the C programmer on every major issue.
 The C programmer can walk on water.
 He programs on a 33MHz 386 w/SVGA and can program an
 entire graphical spreadsheet in about 2 days.
 The C programmer tends to put "()" after every major verb
 when they talk or write: "are you going() to see() NWA tommorow?
 I'll try() to get() tickets!" 

 THE LISP PROGRAMMER
 The Lisp programmer does lunch with God every day.
 He is an olympic class swinner.
 He programs on a 20MHz 386sx with VGA and can program a pretty
 good text based spreadsheet in a little under a week.
 The Lisp programmer tends to put parenthesis around every major
 phrase in their sentences:
 "((Have (you (seen)) (that (new movie) yet))?
 ((I heard) it was (good).))"
 THE TURBO PASCAL PROGRAMMER
 The Turbo Pascal programmer occasionally has a word with God.
 He can swim pretty well.
 Programs on a 16MHz 286 with an EGA and can program a
 complicated scientific calculater in a week and a half.
 the TP programmer tends to put a "begin" and an "end" before
 every major topic:
 "begin
 That arcade game was awesome, man!
 end; "
 THE FORTRAN PROGRAMMER
 The ForTran programmer sometimes catches a glimpse of God.
 He manages to keep himself afloat in shallow water.
 He programs on a 8MHz 8088 with a Herc graphics adapter (he's
 too manly for color). A ForTran programmer can do a passable
 caclulation device in a few weeks.
 Nobody really knows how ForTran programmers talk cause ther are
 so few of them around these days!
 THE BASIC PROGRAMMER
 The BASIC programmer knows who God is.
 He has trouble avoiding drowning in his own bathtub.
 BASIC programmer works on a Commadore with a Turbo Accelerator
 (doubling the speed of his Commy to 2MHz! WoW!) He can make
 program that accepts two numbers and adds them together in just
 under 4 weeks.
 The BASIC programmer puts numbers before every sentence and has
 trouble when asking questions.
 "10 WoW, Wayne have you seen that neato Ninja Turtles movie?"
 "What Ninja Turtles movie?"
 "?Redo from start"
 THE LOGO PROGRAMMER
 About the only thing the Logo programmer knows about God is that
 it is a short enough word for them to sound out but has trouble
 spelling it.
 He wets himself with a squirt gun.
 He programs on an Apple IIc, and can do a program that put a box
 on the screen, that some might say looks like a calculater, in
 about 8 weeks (with the help of his teacher).
 The Logo programmer can't actually talk very well, but instead tends
 to draw a whole lot of pictures, crayon being their favorite media.

 *************************** BUT ****************************

 THE ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMER
 The assembly language programmer is God.
 He parts the sea when he wishes to cross it.
 He programs on a 50MHz 486 with XGA adn can do a multi-tasking,
 multi-user networking operating system that includes a high-level
 spreadsheet program during his coffee break.
 The assembly language programmer talks only in three letter words
 and drops the rest of the word: " Hey, Bil, I was jus thi, do you
 thi tha Rom act was an ext of the ten to cre fal ima of int abt
 for pur of rel?"


Tagline seen on a local user group BBS:  

  The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8m/sec^2.

Shit happens in......
C++	shit.happens() ;
prolog	happens(shit, you).
C	core dump
Lisp	((((((happens(shit)))))))
BASIC	GOSUB 10000

--
Daniel Drucker        N2SXX       Coconut seashells whispering to me
daniel%mertwig@uunet.uu.net         "Forever, forever, my Coda..."