From: Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk (Not Al Crawford)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Snow And Traffic
Date: 26 Jan 93 11:27:19 GMT
Reply-To: Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk (Not Al Crawford)
Organization: Penicuik People's Revolutionary Sheepdog Liberation Front
Originator: awrc@barley.dcs.ed.ac.uk

It's happened again. Despite the fact that we live in a climate where snow
is a pretty common occurrence during the winter, I'm increasingly convinced
that 90% of the drivers must have learned to drive in, oh, Tahiti or
somewhere like that. No, on second thoughts, I'm sure that most drivers in
Tahiti would be *much* better at coping with a snowfall than those in
Edinburgh. Maybe their brains seize up below a certain temperature.

The scenario: It snowed on Sunday. Only for an hour or so though and, while
I must admit that *during* the snow visibility was pretty poor, most main
roads (due to copious gritting during the last fall of snow) were
completely clear within half an hour or so of the snow going off. Out in
Quainte Scenic Pen-y-Coe the snow was pretty feeble - a couple of
centimetres at most - and the closer into Edinburgh you got the lighter it
was until just inside the city limits there was a light dusting on some
pavements and that was about it.

Just to reinforce the point - the main roads were clear, the snow elsewhere
was no more than a couple of centimetres at most even in the back of
beyond, and non-existent elsewhere. Well, apart from side roads, but they
don't count.

The result? I was half an hour late into work yesterday and about 20
minutes late today due to *long* tailbacks. Yesterday was bad enough - as
endless streams of cars crawled at 20km/h along completely clear roads for
no particular reason - but today was worse. Hell, it's two days since it
snowed, and there's almost none of the stuff left, even out in the wilds.
The roads aren't even icy! Who is responsible? And what can be done about
them?

The "who" is straightforward - it's a special sub-breed of drivers who at
the sight of a snowflake slow to walking pace. They're probably related to
the ones in hats wearing yellow driving gloves who drive Volvos. Their
solution to possibly bad driving conditions is to drive so slowly that
nothing they might hit could possibly be damaged rather than, say, taking a
course in bad weather driving and thus being able to maintain a reasonable
speed whilst remaining safe.

The "what" is equally straightforward. Helicopter gunships. Some might
think it a little drastic, but the sheer elegance of the solution makes it
the only possible choice. After all, helicopters have been used to monitor
traffic flow for years, why not use them to start unblocking hold-ups too?
The instant the traffic is held up, the gunship swoops in and despatches
the offender using the chain gun or, if the offender is rather larger, a
couple of Hellfires. On second thoughts, use the Hellfires anyway and make
sure of it.

As was seen in the Gulf War, attacking traffic with guided missiles and
multi-barrel cannon does lead to other traffic flow problems, namely the
road being littered with large numbers of burnt-out vehicles. I propose
that to solve *this* problem we employ helicopters with big electromagnets
on them, just like in that James Bond film, the one where all the little
ninjas slide down ropes into the fake volcano. They can pick up the
wreckage and fly it straight to the nearest scrap metal dealer. We also
avoid the ethical difficulties posed in the James Bond film - where the
occupants of the car were no doubt horribly killed by the impact of the car
being dropped into the ocean from a great height - since the driver will
already have been reduced to so much mince by the traffic control gunship.

It's simple - it's elegant - it's effective. Picture the scene - Monday
morning in Edinburgh, traffic is being held up by a doddery old fool who
shouldn't be allowed behind a zimmer, let alone the wheel of a car. There's
a brief radio message from control reporting an "814 - doddery old fool in
yellow driving gloves obstructing traffic - Search And Destroy" and a
police gunship swoops in from the skies. One brief BRRRRAP from the
chain-gun, a couple of Hellfires just to make sure and where we once had a
slow moving moron in a car we now have a blazing heap of twisted scrap
metal. The followup up 'copter swoops in, picks the wreckage up with that
big electromagnet and flies off, allowing traffic to flow smoothly once
more.

Next Week: Instant Traffic Jam Clearance Using Low-Yield Tactical Nukes

-- 
		Not Al Crawford - Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk
	 "Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty sheepdog"