From: drw6@po.CWRU.Edu (Daniel R. Wilson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Airplane! script
Date: 7 Oct 1992 04:49:57 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Reply-To: drw6@po.CWRU.Edu (Daniel R. Wilson)
NNTP-Posting-Host: thor.ins.cwru.edu


Found this on FTP about a year ago. Don't ask where 'cause I don't
remember.

 
                            AIRPLANE!
Starring:
Kareem Abdul-Jabar  as Murdock
Peter Graves        as Captain Oever
Lloyd Bridges       as McCroskey
Julie Hagerty       as Elaine
Robert Hayes        as Ted Striker
Leslie Neilson      as Dr. Rumack
Lorna Patterson     as Randy
Robert Stack        as Kramer
Stephen Stucker     as Johnny
Otto ( Autopilot)   as Himself

Written/Directed/Produced By: Jim Abrahams, David & Jerry Zucker

OPEN:  Theme from Jaws, plane busts out of clouds like Jaws...

Voiceman: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading
          of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white
          zone.
Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading
          of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red
          zone.
Voiceman: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading
          of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white
          zone.
Voiclady: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading
          of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red
          zone.
Zealot#1: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the
          religious consciousness church, would you care
          to make a donation?
Elaine  : No, thank you anyway.
Voiceman: The red  zone is for immediate loading and unloading
         of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white
          zone.
Voiclady: NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and
          unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone.
Voiceman: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading
          there is never stopping in a white zone.
Voiclady: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone
          is for loading.
Voiceman: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit
          again!
Zealot#2: Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the
          religious consciousness church, would you like
          to make a donation?
???????? : No thanks, we gave at the office.

AT SECURITY GATE:
Security: Would you put all of your metal objects into this dish
          please ( Man first removes all of his jewelry, etc.
then
          his prosthetic arm and leg)
Voiceman: There's just no stopping in a white zone.

Voiclady: Oh really, Vernon, why pretend, we both know perfectly
          well what it is you're talking about.  You want me to
          have an abortion.
Voiceman: Its really the only sensible thing to do.  If its done
          properly, therapeutically, there's no danger involved.
Someguy : Taxi!
Striker : I'll be back in a minute. ( sets cab's meter running)
Zealot#3: Hello sir, we'd like you to have this flower on behalf
          of the church of Religious consciousness, would you
          caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr...
Worker#1: Hey, Larry, where's the forklift? ( To worker#2 who is
          busy guiding a plane into a hanger )
Worker#2: Forklift?  Its over there by the baggage loader.
          ( Gestures the direction of baggage loader with
          guide sticks causing the plane to go that direction
          and to come crashing into the terminal)
People  : ( In terminal )  LOOK OUT!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
          (pandemonium).
Striker : Elaine!!!!!
Elaine  : Ted!
Striker : I came home early and found your note.  I guess you
          meant for me to read it later. Elaine, I've got to
          to talk to you.
Elaine  : I just don't want to go over it anymore.
Striker : I know things haven't been right for a long time,
          but... It'll be different.  Like it was in the
          beginning.  If you'll just be patient I can work
          things out.
Elaine  : I have been patient and I tried to help, but you
          wouldn't even let me do that.
Striker : Don't you feel anything for me at all anymore?
Elaine  : It takes so many things to make love last.  But,
          most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live
          with the man I don't respect.
Striker : ( To camera ) What a PISSER!
PA      : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone.  Captain Clarence
          Oever, white courtesy phone.
OEVER PICKS UP A RED PHONE.
Operator: NO! THE WHITE PHONE.
Oever   : Oh! ( picks up white phone ) This is Captain Oever!
Operator: One moment for your call from the Mayo Clinic.
PA      : Captain Oever, white courtesy phone.  Captain Clarence
          Oever, white courtesy phone.
Oever   : I'VE GOT IT!
PA      : Thank you.
Operator: Go ahead with your call.
MayoDoct: Uh, this is Doctor Brody at the Mayo Clinic.  There's a
          passenger on your Chicago flight 209er, a little girl
          named Lisa Davis, en route to Minneapolis.  She's
          scheduled for a heart transplant, we'd like you to tell
          her mother we found a donor an hour ago.  We have the
          heart here, ready for surgery. . . We must have the
          recipient on the operating table within 6 hours.  I
          want you to make sure she's kept in a reclined position
          and that a continuous watch is kept on her IV.  Also,
          its very important that she remain calm. . .
Operator: EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have
          an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.
Oever   : Alright, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.
Striker : Look, you'll be back in town tomorrow night, we'll...
          have dinner.  We'll talk things over.
Elaine  : I won't be back, I've requested the Atlanta run.
Striker : Elaine, I promise, I can change.
Elaine  : Then why didn't you take the job that Louis Neds
          offered you at Boeing?
Striker : You know I haven't been able to get near a plane since
          since the war.  Even if I could, they wouldn't hire
          me because of my war record.
Elaine  : You're war record ???  You're the only one keeping that
          alive, for everyone else, its ancient history.
Striker : You expect me to believe that?
Elaine  : Its the truth.  What's hurt you the most is your record
          since the war.  Different cities, different jobs and
          not one of them shows you can accept any real
          responsibility.
Striker : Elaine, if you just give me one more . . .
Elaine  : Its too late, Ted. When I get back to Chicago, I'm
          going to start my life all over again. I'm sorry.
Zealot#4: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower from the
          Church of Religious Conscious. . .PUNCH . . .
          EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attendnt: Hi! Well, good evening. Oh, there you go.
          You just follow all the way back.  Hello.
Victor  : Any word on that storm lifting over Salt Lake
          Clarence?
Oever   : No not likely, Victor.  I just reviewed the area report
          for 1600 hours through 2400.
Victor  : Uh, huh ...
Oever   : There's a front stalled over the Dakotas, backed all
          the way to Utah.
Victor  : Yeah, well, if she decides to push over to the great
          lakes, it could get plenty slippery.
Oever   : Uh, huh.
Victor  : What about the southern route, around Tulsa?
Oever   : I double checked the terminal forecast and winds aloft
          and I had cloudy ceilings all the way.
Victor  : Where do they top out?
Oever   : Well . . . there's some light scattered cover to 20,000
          icing around 15. . .
Worker3 : Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
          (falling off ladder from washing plane's windows)
Victor  : Boy looks like the original plan ought to be the
          best bet.
Oever   : Denver it is.
Murdock : Sorry Clarence. Latest weather report shows everything
          is sopped in from Salt Lake to Lincoln.
Oever   : Oh, Hi Roger! Glad to have you aboard! Victor, this is
          Roger Murdock, Victor Basta.
Victor  : How do you do Roger?
Murdock : Nice to meet you!
Oever   : Roger, I was telling Victor that I reviewed the area
          report for 1600 hours through 2400 there'sa front
          stalled over the Dakotas. . .
Ticketer: There you go, thank you.
Striker : Can you tell me if Elaine Dickenson is on this
          flight?
Ticketer: Well, the whole flight crew has boarded.  Let me see.
          Oh yes, she is on board.
Striker : I'd like one ticket to Chicago.  No baggage.
( Guy still waits in Taxi for Striker)
Ticketer: Smoking or non-smoking.
Striker : Smoking, please.
Ticketer: ( Hands Ted a ticket which is literally smoking) There.
          Have a nice trip.
FLASHBACK: STRIKER.
     VOICE: Striker, this is red leader 4.  Primary target
            covered by fog.  Decision to proceed is yours.
            decision to proceed IS YOURS. IS YOUUUURRRRS...
            YOUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Jiveman1: Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady
          got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head!
Subtitle: GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE
          OR I WILL PUNCH HIM.
Jiveman2: Hey Holm, I can dig it!  You know he ain't gonna lay no
          mo' big rap upon you man!
Subtitle: YES, HE IS WRONG FOR DOING THAT.
Jiveman1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get
          the same ol' same ol.
Subtitle: I KNEW A MAN IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT, AND HE ENDED UP
          BEING SORRY.
Jiveman2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got
          perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'.
Subtitle: DON'T BE NAIVE ARTHUR.  EACH OF US FACES A CLEAR MORAL
          CHOICE.
Jiveman1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac
          lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.
Subtitle: EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY,
   WEALTHY AND WISE.
Together: Col' got to be! Yo!
Subtitle: HOW TRUE!
Together: Sheeeeeeet!
Subtitle: GOLLY.
SIGH ON PLANE LIGHTS UP
ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3      NO SMOKING             3
3      El NO A YOU SMOKO      3
3                             3
3      FASTEN SEATBELTS       3
3      PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ    3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY
Oldlady : Nervous?
Striker : Yes.
Oldlady : First time?
Striker : NO, I've been nervous lots of times.
Elaine  : Hi, we'll be taking off real soon.  SO I'd better
          fasten you in tight.
Dyingirl: Thank you.  Oh, mother this is so exciting.
Mother  : I know, but you must get some rest.
Elaine  : That's good advice.  You relax and I'll be back right
          after we take off.
Lovelorn: God Bill. I am going to miss you so much.
Leaving : Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Promise you'll write??
Lovelorn: SIGH . . . Every day.  Bill...
Conductr: Better get on board son.  All aboard!!!!!
Oever   : 209er to ground control.  We're loaded and ready to
          taxi.
Lovelorn: Goodbye Bill!
Leaving : Goodbye darling. I love you darling.
Tower   : 2-0-9er, taxi to runway 1-9er.
Leaving : Goodbye darling.
Lovelorn: Have your picture taken the minute you get there. And
          send me one, alright?
Leaving : Okay, here, hurry. ( he throws her his watch as she
          runs along the side of the taxiing plane. )
Lovelorn: Oh, but your watch, but you shouldn't.  You're gonna
          need this!
Leaving : Its alright.  It doesn't work.
Lovelorn: Bill!
Leaving : Goodbye darling.
Lovelorn: Bill! ( Knocks over light tower while running )  Bill!
          Bill! I'll keep it with me all the time, I swear to
          you.
Leaving : I know darling, take care of yourself, goodbye.
Tower   : Flight 2-0-9er, you're cleared for take off.
Oever   : Roger!
Murdock : Huh?
Tower   : L.A. departure frequency 1-2-3 point 9er.
Oever   : Roger!
Murdock : Huh?
        : Re-quest Vector, over!
Oever   : What?
Tower   : 2-0-9er clear for vector 2-3-4.
Murdock : We have clearance Clarence.
Oever   : Roger, Roger.  What's our Vector Victor?
Tower   : Tower's radio clearance, over!
Oever   : That's Clarence Oever! Oever.
Tower   : Roger.
Murdock : Huh?
Tower   : Roger, over.
Murdock : Huh?
Oever   : Huh?
Attendnt: DO you feel alright sir?
Striker : Oh, I haven't flown for a long time.

Oever   : Good evening ladies and gentleman, this is Captain
          Oever speaking.  Well, be cruising at 36,000 feet
          this evening.  Our arrival time in Chicago will be
          10:45 pm central time. The temperature there is
         currently 62 degrees with a 20% chance of precipitation.
         Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your flight.
Elaine : Would you like something to read?
Oldlady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine : Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... how about this leaflet, famous Jewish
         sports legends?
Oldlady: Yes, thank you.
Elaine : Teeeeeeeeeeeed!?! What are you doing here?
Striker: Elaine, I've got to talk to you!
Elaine : Y-Y-Yo-You shouldn't have come, I don't have time now!
Oldlady: Stewardess . . .
Elaine : Excuse me!
Oldlady: No wonder you're upset! She's lovely! And a darling
         figure.  Supple pouting breasts.  . . firm thighs . . .
         its a shame you two don't get along.
Striker: Yes, I know, things used to be different.  I remember
         when we first met.  It was during the war. ( Flashback)
         I was in the Air Force stationed in Drambui, off the
         Barbary coast.  I used to hang out at the Magumba bar.
         It was a rough place, the seediest dive on the wharf.
         Populated with every reject and cut-throat from Bombay
         to Calcutta.  Its worse than Detroit.  The mood in the
         place was downright ugly.  You wouldn't walk in there
         unless you knew how to use your fists.  You could count
         on a fight breaking out almost every night. ( fight
         between two women breaks out. Chairs are crashed . . .)
         ( Saturday Night Fever music starts to play when juke
         box is clobbered  I didn't go there that night to fall
         in love I just dropped in for a couple of drinks.  But,
         suddenly there she was.  I was captivated, entranced.
         It hit me like a thunderbolt.   I had to ask the
         guy next to me to pinch me to make sure I wasn't
         dreaming.  I was afraid to approach her, but that
         night fate was on my side. ( The man Elaine is dancing
         with gets a knife in his back.  He tries to ascertain
         help from Elaine by pointing with both hands at his
         back, but Elaine thinks that this is a new dance move
         and mimics him.  He collapses and dies.  Striker begins
         to dance disco style with Elaine, soon a crowd gathers
         to watch.  Both Ted and Elaine dance in humanly
         impossible ways.  The crowd cheers. Next the bar is
         empty, and its the end of the night.  Ted and Elaine
         are still there with the 2 fighting women.  ( end
         flashback ) We laughed, we talked, we danced I never
         wanted it to end.  I guess I still don't.  But, enough
         about me, I hope this hasn't been boring for you.  Its
         just that whenever I talk about Elaine, I get so carried
         away, I loose all track of time. ( Oldlady has hung
         herself )

Elaine  : Would you like to order dinner now?
Father  : Yes, Joey will have the steak and my wife and I will
          have the fish.
Joey    : When can I see the cockpit dad?
Father  :Joey, I think the pilots are probably too busy flying
         the  plane for that.
Joey    : Awww, geee whiz!!!!!!!!!!
Elaine  : I'll tell you what Joey, I'll talk to the Captain and
         see what I can arrange.
Joey    : Gee, that'd be swell!
Elaine  : Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?
Jiveman1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th'
          java.
Subtitle: I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK PLEASE.
Jiveman2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some
          draggin' fruit garden.
Subtitle: I'LL HAVE THE FISH.
littlboy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing and I thought you
          might like some coffee.
littgirl: Oh, that's very nice of you.  Thank you. Oh, won't you
          sit down?
Littlboy: Oh thank you.  Cream?
Littgirl: No thank you, I take it black . . . . . . like my men.
Striker : Well, you see . . . ( to a different passenger --
          new flashback, reminiscent of the Blue Lagoon. )
     Elaine: Oh TED! I never knew I could be so happy.  These
             few months have been just wonderful.  Tomorrow,
             why don't we drive up the coast to that little
             seafood place and . . . what's the matter???
    Striker: My orders came through.  My squadron ships out
             tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at
             Daiquiri at 18:00 hours.  We're coming in from the
             North, below their radar.
     Elaine: When will you be back?
    Striker: I can't tell you that? It's classified.
     Elaine: Ted, please be careful.  I worry about you so much.
    Striker: I love you Elaine.
     Elaine: I love you!
( Return from flashback, the passenger stabs himself to death )
Denver  : Flight 2-0-9er, this is Denver flight control.  You are
          approaching some rough weather.  Please climb to 42,000
          feet.
Oever   : Roger, Denver.
Elaine  : We have a visitor. . .
Oever   : Hello.
Murdock : Hi!
Elaine  : This is Captain Oever,  Mr Murdock and Mr Basta. This
          is Joey Hammond. . .
Oever   : Well hi Joey.
Murdock : Come on up here, you can see better.
Oever   : We have something here for our special visitors ( takes
          out a model airplane for Joey ), would you like to have
          it?
Joey    : Thank youuuuuuu!  Thanks alot!
Oever   : Sure.  You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey    : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Oever   : You ever . . . seen a grown man naked ?
Murdock : Do you want me to check the weather Clarence?
Oever   : No, why don't you take care of it.  Joey, did ya
          ever hang around a gymnasium?
Elaine  : We'd better get back now Joey!
Oever   : Noooooooo, Joey can stay here for a while if he'd
          like.
Joey    : Could I?
Elaine  : Okay, if you don't get in the way.
Murdock : Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise
          at 42,000.  Will report again over Lincoln.  Over and
          out.
Joey    : Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar.
          You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Murdock : I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some-
          one else.  My name is Roger Murdock.  I'm the co-pilot.
Joey    : You are Kareem! I've seen you play.  My dad's got
          season tickets.
Murdock : I think you should go back to your seat now Joey.
          Right Clarence?
Oever   : Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him
          stay here.
Murdock : But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK.  I'm an
          airline pilot.
Joey    : I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't
          work hard enough on defence.  And he says that lots of
          times, you don't even run down court.  And that you
          don't really try . . . except during the playoffs.
Murdock : The hell I don't!! ( grabs joey by collar ) LISTEN KID!
          I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA.
          I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your
          old man to drag Walton and Denier up and down the
          court for 48 minutes.
Oever   : Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
Striker : Elaine, just hear me out.  I know things haven't been
          right for a long time, but it'll be different.  like
          it was in the beginning, remember?
Elaine  : I remember everything.  All I have are memories.
          Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together.
          I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used
          to sit on your face and wiggle and...afterwards how
          we'd watch 'til the sun came up. When it did, it was
          almost like . . . like . . . each new day was made
          only for us.
Striker : That's the way I've always wanted it to be Elaine.
Elaine  : But it won't be . . . not as long as you insist on
          living in the past.
( Striker flashes back -- )
     Voice: You're too low Ted . . . YOU'RE TOO LOW!




( Now in military mental hospital.  Random mental hospital
conversation has been skipped. Striker is painting a picture of
a guy in the middle of an explosion )
     Doctor : Okay Robert, slip em down, this won't hurt much . .
     Elaine : You got a telegram from headquarters today.
     Striker: HEADQUARTERS?!? What is it?
     Elaine : Well, its a big building where generals meet.  But
              that's not important right now.  They've cleared
              you of any blame for what happened in that raid.
              Isn't that good news?
     Striker: Is it? Because of my mistake 6 men didn't return
              from that raid.
     Elaine : 7, Lieutenant Zip died this morning. . . ( Striker
              spits out drink ) The Doctor says you'll be out in
              a week, isn't that wonderful?
     Striker: Wish I could say the same for George Zip.
     Elaine : Be patient Ted, nobody expects you to get over this
              immediately.
     Subject: Hey Striker, How bout a break, I'm getting tired.
     Striker: Yeah, alright.  Take 5.  ( We see that the subject
              has been standing in a contorted stance with an
              explosion backdrop exactly mimicking the painting
              Striker has been working on )
     Elaine:  I have found a wonderful apartment for us.  It has
              a brick fireplace and a cute little bedroom with
              mirrors on the ceiling and . . .
     Jeleen :  Red leader, Red Leader . . . I'm goin' down (
               makes gunner noises )
     Striker: Captain Jeleen.  He thinks he's a pilot still
              fighting the war.
     Jeleen : I've found the tunnel Johnson!! Its this way $25
              for a cigarette is too much!
     Herwitz: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
     Elaine : What's his problem?
     Striker: Its Lt. Herwitz.  Severe shell shock.  Thinks he's
              Ethel Merman.
     ( We cut back to herwitz, but he is now replaced with the
       real Ethel Merman )
     Herwitz: You'lllllll be swell...
              You'll be great...
              Gonna have the whole world on a plate.
              Startin' here.
              Startin' now.
              Honey, everything's coming up rosseehhhhhhhhsss.
              ( He ( she ) faints )
     Striker: War is hell.
( Meanwhile back on the plane )
Attendnt: Would you like some coffee before we serve dinner?
Striker : No, no thank you.
Attendnt: Would either of you like another cup of coffee?
Mother2 : I will, but Jim won't.
Father  : I think I will have another cup of coffee.
Mother2 : ( To herself in an echo voice ) Jim never has a
          second cup at home.
Attendnt: Excuse me sister . . .
Nun     : Yeahhhs?
Attendnt: There's little girl on board up front who's ill and ..
Nun     : Oh, yes. I saw, poor child.
Attendnt: Could I borrow your guitar . . . I think maybe I could
          cheer her up.
Nun     : Of course.
Attendnt: Ohhhh.... thank you.  ( She drags guitar across the
          passengers heads )
Attendnt: Hi!
Mother  : Hi!
Attendnt: Do you mind if I talk to your daughter?
Mother  : No I think that'd be nice.
Attendnt: Hi, I'm Randy.
Dyingirl: I'm Lisa . . . YOU HAVE A GUITAAAAR!
Attendnt: Uh, huh!  I thought maybe you'd like to hear a song.
Dyingirl: I'd love too!
Attendnt: Okay.  Let's see, uh... this is one of my favorites!

          I've traveled the banks of the river of Jordan
          To find where it flows to the sea
          I looked in the eyes of the cold and the hungry
          And I saw that I was looking at meeeeeee.
          And I wanted to know if life had a purpose
          And what it all means in the end
          In the silence I listened to voices inside me
          And they told me again and again.

          There is only one river ( Knocks IV out of Lisa's
          arm with guitar but doesn't notice )
          There is only one sea
          And it flows through you
          And it flows through me ( Lisa is having conniptions
          about her IV as if about to die )
          There is only one people
          We are one in the same ( The whole plane begins to
          clap along )
          We are all one spirit
          One naaaaaaaaaaaammmme.
          We are the father
          We are one.
          We are one.
          We are one.
Oever   : Little late tonight.  We've been waiting for you.
Elaine  : Who wants to be first?
Murdock : Go ahead Clarence, I got 'er.
Elaine  : How's the weather?
Murdock : Not so good.  We've got some heavy stuff ahead of us.
          It might get rough again unless we can climb on top.
Striker : ( To a guy in a turban ) Yeah, after the war, I just
          wanted to get as far away from things as possible.
          Elaine and I joined the Peace Corps.  We were assigned
          to an isolated tribe: the Malumbos. ( Flashback to
          African tribe ) They'd never seen  Americans before.
     Striker : It was really a challenge during the year
               introducing them to our western culture.
               At first they didn't know what to think
               of us, but soon we gained their trust.
    Elaine   : It will help you better prepare and store
               foods for the up and coming Monsoon months.
               Also, Supperware products are ideal for storing
               leftovers to help stretch your food dollar.  This
               2 quart Sealz-em Right container will keep hot dog
               buns fresh for days.
     Striker : You must understand, these people had been
               completely isolated from civilization.  No one
               had ever outlined a physical fitness program
               for them and they had no athletic equipment.
               I started them on simple calisthenics and slowly
               worked them up to rudimentary game skills.  And
               finally, advanced competitive theory.  I was
               patient with them and they were eager to learn.
               they seemed to enjoy themselves.  It was probably
               due to the advanced American techniques that we
               were able to bridge the generations of isolation
               communicate so successfully with Mulambos.
               ( The Mulambos start to play basketball like pros)
               I think they're finally getting the hang of it
               when we re-enlist, I'll teach them baseball.
    Elaine   : Ted, I don't want to stay here, its time for us
               to go back home to the plans we made before the
               war.
Striker  : Alot of people made plans before the war . . .
           like George Zip.  It was at that moment that I
           first realized Elaine had doubts about our
           relationship.  And that as much as anything else
           led to my drinking problem ( He pours his drink
           on himself.)  We did come back to the states, I tried
           a number of jobs . . . well, I could go on for hours,
           but I would probably start to bore you.  ( Guy in
           turban pulls out knife and points it to his heart )
           I really couldn't blame Elaine ( Guy stabs himself
           and moans ) she wanted a career.
Oldlady2: Uhhhhhhhh...... I can't stand it. Ohhhhhhh.
Elaine  : Yes?
Oldlady2: Oh... its my stomach.  I haven't felt this aweful since
          we saw that Ronald Reagan film.  uhh.
Elaine  : I'll see if I can find some Dramamine. ( Goes to
          cockpit ) Captain, one of the woman passengers is
          very sick.
Oever   : Airsick?
Elaine  : I think so, but I've never seen it so acute.
Oever   : Find out if there's a doctor on board as quietly as
          you can. . . Joey . . . have you ever been in a, a
          Turkish prison?
Father  : Ohhhhhhhhhh, I shouldn't have had that second cup of
          coffee.  ( he vomits )
Mother2 : ( In echo voice ) Jim never vomits at home.
Elaine  : I'm sorry I had to wake you, I'm just looking for a
          doctor, there's nothing to worry about.
Woman3  : Stewardess, I think the man sitting next to me is
          a Doctor.
Elaine  : Sir, excuse me sir, I am sorry I have to wake you,
          sir, are you a doctor?
Rumack  : That's right.
Elaine  : We have some passengers that are very sick, could you
          come take a look at them?
Rumack  : Yes, of course. . . ( To sick woman ) Let me see your
          tongue. ( eggs begin to come out of her mouth. Rumack
          cracks one and a bird flys out ) I'll be back in a
          minute. ( To Elaine )
          You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon
          as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital. . .
Elaine  : A hospital . . what is it?
Rumack  : Its a big building with patients, but that's not
          important right now.  Tell the captain I must speak
          to him.
Elaine  : Certainly.
( Victor is getting sick )
Oever   : Victor, we're running into some heavy weather . . .
          can you ( Victor passes out ) Roger! Take OVER!
Rumack  : Captain, how soon can you land?
Oever   : I can't tell.
Rumack  : You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Oever   : NO, I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack  : Well, can't you take a guess?
Oever   : Well, not for another 2 hours.
Rumack  : You can't take a guess for another 2 hours?
Oever   : No, no, no.  I mean we can't land for another 2 hours
          fog has closed down everything this side of the
          mountains.  We've got to get through to Chicago.

????????????
        : What is it doctor?
Rumack  : I'm not sure.  I haven't seen anything like this since
          the Anita Bryant concert.  What was it we had for
          dinner tonight?
Elaine  : Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.
Rumack  : Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.  What did he
          have?
Elaine  : Fish . . .
Attendnt: Doctor, there are 2 more sick people and the rest of
          the passengers are worried.
Rumack  : I'll go take care of the passengers.  Find out what the
          two sick people had for dinner.
Oever   : This is Captain Oever speaking, been a little bumpy up
          here, but we'll be past it in a couple minutes.  A few
          points of interest we are now flying over Hoover damn
          and a little later on, we'll pass just to the south of
          the Grand Canyon.  Meanwhile, relax and enjoy your
          flight, okay?  CHICAGO: THIS IS FLIGHT 2-0-9er. . .
          We're in trouble, we've got to have all traffic below
          us cleared.  I want a priority approach and landing in
          Chicago.
Mother2:  Stewardess, my husband is very sick can you do
          something please?
Elaine  : Well, the doctor will be with you in just a moment.
          One thing, do you know what he had for dinner?
Mother2 : Yes, of course, we both had fish.  Why?
Elaine  : Oh, its nothing to be alarmed about.  We'll be back to
          you very quickly.
Elaine  : Dr Rumack, Mr Hammond ate fish, and Randy said there
          five more cases and they all had fish too.
Rumack  : And the Co-Pilot had fish, what did the navigator have?
Elaine  : He had fish.
Rumack  : Alright, now we know what we're up against.  Every
          passenger on this flight who had fish for dinner will
          become violently ill in the next half hour ( Oever
          notices he had fish and begins to come down with the
          symptoms as they are described )
Elaine  : Just how serious is it Doctor?
Rumack  : Extremely serious.  It starts with a slight fever and
          dryness of the throat.  When the virus penetrates the
          red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy begins to
          experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work
          on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms
          followed by the inevitable grueling.  At this point,
          the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by
          uncontrollable flatulence ( Oever begins to fart )
          Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a
          quivering wasted piece of jelly.
Oever  : Au--to--ma-tic pi-lot.
Elaine : ( Searches for button ) Automatic pilot, automatic
         pilot, there it is . . . ( Otto begins to inflate)
Rumack : I'll go back to the passengers.
Chicago: Come in 2-0-9er, this is Chicago.  Flight 2-0-9er,
         come in.
Elaine : This is Elaine Dickenson, I'm the stewardess,
         Captain Oever has passed out on the floor and
         the co-pilot and navigator too.  We're in
         terrible trouble, over.
MCrosky: Roger, Elaine, Roger.  I read you. This is Steve
         McCrosky at Chicago air control,  Back to you in
         a minute ( To Tower ) Hold all takeoffs, I don't
         want another plane in the air.  When the 508
         reports, bring it straight in.  Put out a general
         bulletin to suspend meal service on flights out
         of Los Angeles.  Tell all dispatchers to remain at
         their posts, its gonna be long night.  How bout
         some coffee Johnny?
Johnny : NO THANKS!
MCrosky: I want the weather on every landing field this side
         of the line, no matter what the size.  Do you
         understand?  Anyplace, anyplace where there's a
         chance to land that plane.  ( To Siamese twins )
         Stan, go up stairs to the tower and get a runway
         diagram.  Terry, check down the field for emergency
         equipment.
Airdude: Chief we got fog right down to the deck, every
         place east of the Rockies.  There's no possible
         place to land, they'll have to come through to
         Chicago.
MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
         I want the best available man on this, a man who
         knows that plane inside and out and won't crack
         under pressure.
Johnny : How 'bout Mr Rogers?
MCrosky: Get me REX KRAMER!  Elaine, right next to the throttle
         is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate?
Elaine : 520 miles per hour.
MCrosky: Good now, check your altitude.  That's the dial just
         below and to the right of the air speed indicator.
Elaine : 35,000 feet.  NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT,
         its dropping.  Its dropping fast, why's it doing
         that?  Oh my god, the automatic pilot, its
         deflating.
MCrosky: Don't panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot
         there's a tube, now that is the manual inflation
         nozzle.  Take it out and blow on it.
Passngr: What the hell's going on up there?
Rumack : Elaine?
Elaine : Yes, Doctor.
Rumack : Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face
         a few unpleasant facts?
Elaine : NO.
Rumack : Alright, unless I get those people to a hospital
         quickly, I can't even be sure of saving their lives.
         Now, is there anyone on board who can land this
         plane?
Elaine : Well, no, no one I know of.
Rumack : I think you ought to know what are chances are.  The
         life of everyone on board depends on one thing:
         finding someone on board who can not only fly this
         plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
Elaine : Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking
         We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement
         might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we
         encountered.  There's no reason to be alarmed and we
hope
         you enjoy the rest of your flight.  By the way, is there
         anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
( PANDEMONIUM ENSUES, EVERYONE RUNS EVERYWHERE . . .)
( Back at Rex's house )
Paul   : Hello, I am Paul Puree from the airline, I'm here to
         pick up Captain Kramer.
MsKramr: Oh, yes come in Paul, Rex will be right out.
Dog    : Ruff, Ruff ( starts to grab paul's leg)
MsKramr: Shep, sit. So, I understand you all have a real
         emergency down there.
Paul   : Yes, something like that, but as I said, they didn't
         have time to ( tries to get dog off leg ) tell me
         very much.  Ahhhh.
MsKramr: Shep, no. I'll bet you have exciting things happen all
         the time down there.
Paul   : Well, the airline business does have its moments ( still
         trying to get rid of dog ) but after a while you get
         used to it.
MsKramr: Shep! Come.  He gets so excited when new people are
         here.  Are you a pilot yourself?
Paul   : NO,  (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh) I am in a training program. . .
Kramer : Its unbelievable, just unbelievable, you know how many
         times I've warned them about food inspection.
MsKramr: You'd think after all these years someone would listen
         to you ( dog and Paul wrestling in background)
Kramer : Airport management, the FAA and the airlines.  They're
         all cheats and liars.  Alright, lets get outta here.
Attndnt: I'm sorry to bother you, I was just looking for someone
         with flying experience.
Striker: When they built those roads they had no thought of
         drainage in mind, so we had to take a special jeep
         up to the main road.  In fact, we were lucky to even
         get a jeep since just the day before the only one we
         had broke down, had a bad axle. ( The passenger
         next to him douses himself in gasoline and lights
         a match, then pauses while stewardess talks to
         Striker )
Attndnt: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the
         cockpit . . .
Striker: The cockpit . . . what is it?
Attndnt: Its the little room in the front of the plane where the
         pilots sit, but that's not important now.  You see the
         first officer is ill and the Captain need someone to
         help him with the radio.  Do you know anything about
         planes?
Striker: Well, I flew in the war, but that was years ago, I
         wouldn't know anything about it.
Attndnt: Won't you go up, please? ( Striker agrees, passenger
         next to him blows out match, but blows himself up
         accidently anyway )
Striker: The stewardess said . . . BOTH PILOTS????????
Rumack : Can fly this plane?
Striker: Surely you can't be serious?
Rumack : I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!
Attndnt: Doctor, I've checked everyone. Mr. Striker is the
         only one.
Rumack : What flying experience have you had?
Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force,
         but this plane has four engines.  Its an entirely
         different kind of flying, altogether.
All Together: Its a entirely different kind of flying.
Striker: Besides, I haven't touched any kind of plane in six
         years.




Rumack : Mr. Striker, I know nothing about flying, but there's
         one thing I do know:  You're the only one on this plane
         who can possibly fly it, you're the only chance we've
         got.
MCrosky: NO, that's right, that's what I said . . . tell them all
         to acknowledge and stand-by.  Get me every piece of
         emergency equipment you can reach.  Alert rescue units
         every mile of the way, from here to the rockies.
Towergy: Chief . . .
MCrosky: We'll need a pre-landing flight check, tell 'em I want
         it in the dispatch office and tell 'em I want it here
         fast.
Towergy: Its your wife.
MCrosky: ( To wife ) I want the kids in bed by nine, the dog
         fed, the yard watered and the gate locked.  And get a
         note to the milkman  NO MORE CHEESE!  CLICK! Where the
         hell's Kramer?
Kramer : No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame out is too
         great, leave 'em at 24,000 . . . no, feet.  One of the
         passengers is gonna land that plane.
Paul   : Is that possible?
Kramer : Possible, its a 100-1 shot. ( Car hits a cyclist )
Kramer : I know this guy.
Paul   : You do?
Cyclist: Asssss-hole!
Paul   : Who is it?
Kramer : Name is Ted Striker, I flew with him during the war,
         it won't make my job any easier tonight.  Ted Striker
         was a crack flight leader, up to a point.  He was one
         of those men who, lets say, felt to much inside, maybe
         you know the kind.  Went all to pieces on one particular
         mission, lets just hope that doesn't happen tonight.
Striker: Lets see.  Altitude, 24,000 feet... level flight, speed
         520 knots. Course, 0-9er-0, trim, mixture, wash, rinse,
         spin . . .
Elaine : Ted, what are you doing here?  You can't fly this plane!
Striker: That's what I've been trying to tell these people.
Rumack : Elaine, I don't have time to say this gently so I'll be
         very direct everyone on this plane is in a desperate
         situation, Mr. Striker is the only hope we've got.
Striker: Those are the flaps, this is the thrust, this must turn
         on the landing lights ( Plane starts to nose dive when
         that knob is turned )  Mayday, mayday, mayday.
MCrosky: MAYDAY? What the hell does that mean?
Johnny : Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year.  You know,
         we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hor'doevres . .
Oldlady: I can't stand it anymore, I've got to get outta here.
         I've gotta get outta here.
Elaine : Calm down get ahold of yourself.
Gentlmn: Stewardess, please, let me handle this ( grabs her and
         starts to shake her )
Gntlmn2: Calm down, now get back to your seat, I'll take care of
         this.  CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF <SLAP>!

Nun    : Mr, your wanted on the phone . . .  Everything's going
         to be alright < SLAP >! Please.
Gntlmn3: Sister, I'll handle this.        < SLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAPPP >
( There is now a line of people with baseball bats and whips
waiting to help the woman )
Zealot5: Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Kramer
         punches the man )
Zealot6: Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Kramer pushes him out
         of the way )
Zealot7: Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Kramer punches him )
Zealot8: Jews for Jesus? ( Crack ! ) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Zealot9: Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Kramer kicks him )
Zealt10: How about Buddhism? ( Whack! )
Zealt11: Help Jerry's kids? ( punch! )
Zealt12: Scientology?
Zealt13: Avoid nuclear power? ( Bap ! Bop ! )
Announc: Your attention please!  No Frills passengers no arriving
         please have your baggage claim checks ready to show the
         attendant upon leaving the terminal. ( Passengers are
         coming down the conveyer belt for luggage )
Kramer : I know but this guy has no flying experience at'all.
         He's a menace to himself and everything else in the
         air. . . yes, birds too.
MCrosky: Okay, okay, he's a terrible risk, but what other choice
         have we got?  That's the whole story there Rex,
         everything we know.
Kramer : Alright Steve, lets face a few facts.  As you know I
         flew with this man during the war.  He's going to
         have enough on his mind without worrying about those
         times when . . . when things weren't so good.
MCrosky: Right now, things aren't so good.
Kramer : Let me tell you something Steve, Ted Striker was a
         top notch squadron leader a long time ago.
MCrosky: I want you to get on the horn and talk that guy down
         Now, you're going to have to let him get the feel of
         that airplane, and you'll have to talk him on to the
         approach.  So help me, you'll have to talk him right
         down to the ground. ( Crash )
Kramer : Very well, put Striker on the speaker.
MCrosky: Use my radio there.  Looks like I picked the wrong week
         to quit drinking. ( gulp )
Towergy: Now, you can work 'im direct from here, Captain.
Kramer : Thanks. Striker . . . Striker, this is Captain Rex
         Kramer speaking.
Striker: YES, -CAPTAIN- Kramer, I read you loud and clear.
Kramer : Alright, its obvious you remember me.  What do you
         say you and I just forget about everything except
         what we have to do now.
Striker: Lets not kid each other _Kramer_ you know I've never
         flown a bucket like this. I'm gonna need all the
         luck there is.
Kramer : Standby Striker.  Our one hope is to build this man
         up, I've got to give him all the confidence I can.
         Striker- have you ever flown a multi-engine plane
         before?
Striker: NO, never.
Kramer : ( TO McCrosky thinking that the radio to Striker is off)
         SHIT! This is a God damned waste of time, there's no
         way he can land that plane.
MCrosky: (Radio is still on) Grab ahold of yourself, you gotta
         talk him down, you gotta.
Kramer : We ought to route him in Lake Michigan, at least we'll
         avoid killing innocent people.
MCrosky: You're the only chance they've got.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, you listen and listen close flying a
         plane is no different from riding a bicycle, just alot
         harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.  Now, first
         I want you to get the feel of the plane.  Later, we'll
         run down the landing procedure.  Now, I want you to
         disengage the automatic pilot . . . watch that you don't
         make any violent control movements like you did in the
         fighter planes.
Striker : Alright, I'm going to unlock the automatic pilot.
Kramer  : Now just remember the controls will feel very heavy
          compared to a fighter.  Don't worry about that its
          perfectly normal.  ( Plane starts to nosedive and
          passengers begin to panic )  Now one more thing,
          is there somebody there who can work the radio
          and leave you free for flying?
Striker : Yes, the stewardess is here with me.
Kramer  : Good, have her sit in the co-pilot's seat.
Striker : Elaine, he wants you to sit in the co-pilot's seat.
Passengr: What's going on?  We have a right to know the truth!
Rumack  : Alright, I'm going to level with you all.  The most
          important thing now is that you remain calm.  There's
          no reason to panic ( his nose starts to grow ).  Now,
          it is true that one of the crew members is ill,
          slightly ill, but the other two pilots are just fine,
          they're at the controls, flying the plane, free to
          pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
Striker : The radio's all yours now.  And keep an eye on that
          number 3 engine gauge over there, its running a
          little hot ( sign flashes "a little hot" )
Kramer  : Striker, before we start, I'd like to say something.
          I know that right now things must look pretty rough
          up there, but if you do what I tell you, when I tell
          you to do it, there's no reason why you shouldn't
          have complete confidence in your chances to come out
          of this thing alive and in one piece.  Striker, what
          kind of weather are you in up there?
Elaine : Rain!
Striker: And a little ice.
Elaine : And a little ice.
Kramer : How's it handling?
Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Elaine : Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Kramer : Alright, Striker, your doing just fine.
Striker: Its a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate
         his guts.
Elaine : Its a damn good thing you don't know how much he
         hates your guts.
Jivemn2: Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Attndnt: Can I get you something?
Jivemn2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up.
         Tightly.
Attndnt: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jivemn1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman4 : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Attndnt: Ohhhh, good.
Woman4 : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know
         if you can help him.
Attndnt: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as
         soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman  : Jus' hang loose blooood.  She goonna catch up on the`
         rebound a de medcide.
Jivemn2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I
         dug her rap.
Woman4 : Cut me som' slac' jak!  Chump don wan no help, chump
         don git no help.  Jive ass dude don got no brains
         anyhow.
MCrosky: Get me Captain Oever's wife on the phone, we'd better
         let her know what's going on.
Towergy: Chief, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.
MCrosky: Johnny, what can you make outta this?
Johnny : This?  Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a
         pterodactyl. . .
( Phone rings at Captain Oever's wife's house, she answers. )
MSOever: Hello?
Towergy: Mrs. Oever?
MSOever: Yes, this is Mrs. Oever.
Towergy: This is Ed Masias calling from the airport.  There's
         some trouble on your husband's flight.  We don't know
         how serious it is yet, but Steve McCrosky say you may
         want to get down here right away.
MSOever: Yes, I'll be right down. . . ( hangs up the phone )
         I've gotta go to the airport, you can let yourself
         out the back door.  There's juice in the refridger-
         ator.  ( We see she is sleeping with a horse)
Horse  : Nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... plllllllllllllllllllll.
         Winey.
Elaine : Dr Rumack says the sick people are getting worse and
         we`re running out of time.
Striker: ( In echoey voice to himself ) I've got to concentrate
         oncentrate, oncentrate. I've got to concentrate,
         concentrate, concentrate.  Hello, hello, hello.
         Echo, echo, echo.  Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbau
         Manny Motta, motta, motta.
Man    : How're you doing honey?
Woman5 : I'm so hot, I'm burning up.
Man    : I'll turn on some air. ( The whole cabin starts to blow
         with wind. " Close the window " )
Striker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic, when do
         we start down?
Kramer : Not just yet, but you're in our range any second now.
         I don't understand it should have been in range 10
         minutes ago.  Genderson, check the radar range,
         anything yet?
Gendrsn: ( Looks in an oven ) Its about 2 more minutes chief.
MCrosky: 2 more minutes?  They could be miles off course.
Kramer : That's impossible there on instruments ( a brass
         ensemble begins to play )
MCrosky: This is going to be a real sweat.  Genderson, let me
         know when you get anything.  Got a cigarette Nelson?
         I can't take much more of this.  Looks like I picked
         the wrong week to quit amphetamines.  Johnny, how
         about some more coffee?
Johnny:  NO THANKS!
Towergy: Chief, these reporters won't leave without a statement.
Reportr: How much longer can those passengers hold out?
MCrosky: A, half an hour or less.
Reportr: Who's flying the plane?
MCrosky: One of the passengers.  But, he's an experienced Air
         Force pilot who flew during the war, so there's no
         cause for alarm.  . . Here, take over.
Reportr: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny : Oh its a big pretty white plane with red stripes,
         curtains in the window and wheels.  It looks like
         a big tylenol.
Reportr: Okay boys, lets get some pictures.  ( Take photos off
         of wall . . .)
( Various reports from around the world are shown )
TVGUY  : This bulletin just handed to me . . . stricken airliner
         approaches Chicago.
Countpt: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were
         getting into.  I say let em crash.
Man2   : Would you like a little whiskey ma'am?
Woman6 : ( In a berating voice ) CERTAINLY NOT!  ( She the does
         cocaine )
Striker: How are the passengers doing?
Rumack : I won't deceive you Mr. Striker . . . we're running out
         of time.
Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack : I'm doing everything I can and stop calling me Shirley.
Nun    : R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me . . . Sock
         it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me . . . A little
         respect ( passenger vomits as she sings ) Just a little
         bit . . .
Attndnt: Booo-hooo ( she crys )
Rumack : Randy, are you alright?
Attndnt: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared.  I've never been so scared.
         And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack : We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
Woman3 : Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack : Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Woman3 : Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But, at
         least I have a husband. ( Randy sobs harder )
Voice  : Stay in formation, target's just ahead.  Target should
         be clear if you go in low enough.  You'll have to decide
         You'll have to decide...
Striker: oh rats! we lost number 4.
Elaine : What happened Ted, what went wrong?
Striker: The oil pressure, I forgot to check the oil pressure.
         When Kramer hears about this, the shit's gonna hit
         the fan ( We see shit hitting a fan )
Kramer : Watch that oil temperature, what the hell's he doing up
         there?  Striker, that plane can't land itself, it
         takes a pilot that can handle pressure.
MCrosky: Ease off Rex, he hasn't flown for years, its not his
         fault.  It could happen to any pilot.
Johnny : It happened to Barbara Stanwick.
MCrosky: Don't push him too hard, give him a break.  You gotta
         remember who you're dealing with.
Johnny : Nick, Leaf, Jerrod, there's a fire in the barn.
Striker: He's right, I can't take the pressure.  I was crazy to
         think I could land this plane.
Elaine : Ted, you're the only hope.
Striker: I don't care. ( Plane starts to nosedive again ) I don't
         have what it takes.  They'd be better off with someone
         who'd never flown before.
MCrosky: Bad news, the fog is getting thicker.
Johnny : And Leon's getting laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrger.
Striker: I know what you're going to say, so save your breath.
Rumack : Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the
         best you could.  You really have, the best you could.
         You can't expect to win em all.  But, I want to tell
         you something I've kept to myself through these years.
         I was in the war myself, medical corps.  I was on late
         duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded
         pilot from one of the raids.  He could barely talk.
         He looked at me and said " The odds were against
         us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad Captain
         made the right decision.  The pilot's name was George
         Zip.
Striker: George Zip said that?
Rumack : The last thing he said to me, doc, he said, "Sometime
         when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating
         the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all
         they got and win just one for the Zipper.  I don't
         know where I'll be then doc, he said, but I won't smell
         too good, that's for sure.
Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
Kramer : Alright Striker, you'd better stay up there for a bit,
         as soon as the fog lifts, we'll bring you in.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer, Dr. Rumack
         says the sick people are in critical condition. And
         every minute counts. We've got to land now.
Kramer : Don't be a fool Striker, you know what a landing like
         this means, you more than anybody.  I'm ordering you
         to stay up there.
Striker:  NO DICE CHICAGO.  I'm giving the orders and we're
          coming in.  I guess the foot's on the other hand now,
        isn't it Kramer?
Kramer : He'll never make it in this soup, not one chance in a
         million.
MCrosky: I know, I know,  but its his ship now, his command, he's
         in charge, he's the boss, head man, top dog, big cheese,
Towergy: Captain, look at this!
MCrosky: Passengers certain to die!
Kramer : Airline negligent.
Johnny : There's a sale at Penny's!
MCrosky: Alright, I'll need 3 men up in the tower.  You Newbower,
         you Maceias. . .
Johnny : Me John!  Big tree.
Kramer : Standby, Striker.  We're going to the tower, good luck.
Johnny : The tower, the tower . . . Repunzle, Repunzle . . .
Woman4 : Stewardess, how soon so we land?
Attndnt: It won't be long now, try not to worry.
Towergy: We're all ready sir, this is Captain McCrosky, Captain
         Roberts, Captain Kramer, Captain Kolosomo,  Captain
         Henshaw this is Captain Gatz,  Captain Kramer, Captain
         Gatz, Captain Henshaw, Captain Roberts.
MCrosky: Alright Kolosomo, you work the relay, Roberts, check all
         air traffic within five miles,  get that finger out of
         your ear, you don't know where that finger's been ( guy
         smells his finger ) Got a cigarette Nels?  Your husband
         and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny : Just like Gerald Ford.
MCrosky: Now, there's a chance we can save them, if Striker can
         get that plane down in time.
MSOever: That isn't much of a chance, is it?
MCrosky: I don't know, I don't know, but we're doing everything
         we can, now excuse me huh?
Johnny : Where did you get that dress? Its aweful . . . and
         those shoes, and that coat, geeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
( Tower Guys Playing Atari basketball on radar screen )
Towergy: 8 miles.  Looks like their heading 0-4-4.
Elaine : We are now at 2000 feet beginning our decent.
Kramer : Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto
         that field. ( A dump truck dumps table lamps onto the
         runway )
Towergy: Tower to all emergency vehicles, runway is 9er.
         Airport vehicles take stations 1 and 2.  Civilian
         equipment number 3.  Air Force positions number 4
         and 5.  All ambulances go to number 3.  Air
         Israel, please clear the runway ( Plane is shown
         wearing a beard, hat, tallis, and yarmulke. )
Attendnt:In a moment, we'll ask you to assume crash positions.
        your life jackets are located under your seat.  Place
        the jacket over your head.  And when I give the word,
        pull the cord on the right side flap.  Your seat
        cushions are also equipped with a flotation device.
Radio : WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever ( plane
        knocks down station's transmitter )

Kramer : Watch your altitude Striker, you're too erratic.  You
         can't come straight in.  You've got enough fuel left
         for two hours of flying.
Striker: I'll take it Elaine.  Listen to me Kramer!  We have
         people up here who will die in less than an hour
         let alone two.  I may bend your precious airplane,
         but I'll get it down.  I'm putting the landing gear
         down now.
Attndnt: Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
Striker: Thank you Randy.  You'd better leave sweetheart.  You
         might get hurt up here.
Elaine : Ted,
Striker: Yes?
Elaine : I wanted you to know, now . . . I'm very proud.
Striker: Tell 'em the gear is down and we're ready to land.
Elaine : The gear is down and we're ready to land.
Kramer : Alright, he's on final now, put out all runway lights
         except 9er.
Towergy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights
         now.
MCrosky: No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Kramer : Alright, now just listen carefully . . . you should
         be able to see the runway at 300 feet.  Aim the
         touchdown a third of the way along.  There's a slight
         crosswind from the right so be ready for it.  Land
         too fast, use your emergency breaks.  The red handle's
         right in front of you.  If that doesn't stop you . . .
         ( long pause ) . . . if that doesn't stop you cut the
         four ignition switches over the co-pilot's head.
         Do you see us now?  You should be able to see the field
         now.  ( Dog barks )
MCrosky: It sure is quiet out there. . .
Kramer : Yeah, too quiet.
MCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing
         glue. ( inhales some glue and falls over)
Striker: There it is.
Kramer : There he is.  Striker, you're coming in too fast . . .
Striker: I know, I know.
Elaine : He knows, he knows.
Airdude: Getting below 700 now, still going down. 675, 650, 625,
         he's holding. . .no, no he's down, he's down.
Kramer : Sound your alarm bell, now.
Attndnt: Alright now everybody, get in crash positions ( The
         passengers arrange themselves as if they just crash-
         ed. )
Kramer : Put down 30 degrees of flap.  Striker now listen to me
         Remember your breaks and switches, get ready to  fly it
         out . . .
Airdude: He's all over the place, 900 feet, up to 1300 feet . . .
         what an asshole.
Kramer : More mast rudder, put down more flap . . .
Johnny : ( Unplugs runway lights ) Just kidding.
Kramer : Striker, lift your nose, straighten your wings.  You're
         coming in too fast, watch your speed.
MCrosky: He's coming right at us . . . ( jumps through a window )
Kramer : You're coming in too hot.  Ease up on the throttle.
         Watch for that crosswind.  Aim for the numbers, you'll
         have to dip your left wing.  You're drifting, keep your
         eyes on the far end of the runway.  You're too low
         damnit!  Watch your stall speed.  Ease her down, down.
         The break . . . pull the red handle.
Rumack : I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Voice2 : Flight 2-0-9 now arriving gate 8- gate 9, gate 10
Kramer : Push a button.
Voice2 : Gate 13, gate 14, gate 15 . . .
Johnny : Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, toto . . . its a twister,
         its a twister
Voice  : Gate 23, 24, 25 . . .
( Plane lands safely )
Rumack : I just want to tell you both-- good luck, we're all
         counting on you.
Kramer : Striker, Striker, you alright?
Striker: Yeah, we're okay.
Kramer : Ted that was probably the worst landing in the history
         of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me
         would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand . .
         and Ted I just want you to know that when the going
         got rough . . .
Attndnt: Okay alright, have a nice day . . .have a nice day,
         thank you for flying TransAmerican
Kramer : Lonliness, thats the bottom line.  I was never happy
         as a child . . . Christmas Ted, what does that mean
         to you?  It was living hell.  Do you know what its
         like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head.
         With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does,
         that never happens.  Sorry Ted, that's a dumb question.
Attndnt: Have a nice day.
Kramer : Municipal bonds Ted, I'm talking double A rating. . .
         the best investment in America.
( Ted and Elaine go off into the sunset and Otto and his
inflatable friend Ottoette fly the plane off )

                          THE END!!!!!
-- 
"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago. We have a full tank of gas, half
a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

"Hit it!"
Newsgroups: rec.humor