From: anonasar@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: why am I confused?
Date: 1 Oct 92 07:08:15 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.5


lines9933@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:

> Hi,
>     Why is it that I feel bad about myself when my fiancee' wants sex and I do
> not?  Because of her abuse and my abuse, this feeling is mutual.  Why is that

M.,
I personally do not think that your feeling here is completely related to past
abuse.  The reason that I feel this way is that this is a situation that
I have heard about from friends that (as far as I know) never had the
misfortunes that many here in asar have had.  The reason (IMHO) that you
may feel bad is that this person who is asking for something (sex in this
case, but I'm not sure that it is relevant) that you could provide.  Now
you are faced with a choice, do you or not provide it?  Interesting, since
there is no easy answer as I see it, some factors are: your needs, her
desires, your mental state, her mental state, your physical state, your
emotional state, etc (I hope you get the feeling that this is not as simple
as some would like it to be).

So now you have your very significant other asking for a very intimate gift
and you who (I presume) want to do anything you can to create the environment
where this significant person will be happy and pleased and comfortable
[note: I specifically did not say MAKE them happy] and you feel that you
must tell this wonderful person NO.  (GEE, when I look at it like this it
would seem to reflect poorly on me if I said NO).

Now enter more factors ...  Sex is a very emotional experience.  As I tried to
show there are many facets that I feel must come into play for sex to work well 
(IMHO).  No one is always up to the task, especially when ALL of the factors
are likely to be involved (as I feel they are when you are dealing with a 
significant other as a partner as opposed to "casual" others).

So you have conflicting goals, satisfy your partner's request, and realize your
own needs at the moment.  Society says that we should always "put the SO first"
and all that.  However, even if you agree with that attitude, reality says
that it is NOT always possible and sometimes not really desirable (depending
on what happens to you if you go ahead). Now you risk, if you say no, 
disappointing your SO, and for reasons that they really did not have anything
to do with (read: didn't deserve) and this often adds to the pressure to say
yes. You are, therefore, leaving this significant person with unsatisfied
desires and this does not leave you feeling good.

> so?  I do not understand.  I mean we are both seeking help for our abuse.  Will
> this feeling stop in time, or is it something that will never go away.

I am aware of people that are faced with this everyday for reasons like
pressure at work, illness, etc that have nothing to do with what you feel caused
your particular situation (i.e. you are NOT alone in this).

My one suggestion is that when you need to say NO in a case like you mentioned
try as best as you are able at the time to let your SO know that your saying no
is NOT a rejection of them.  I think this is important so that there will not
be complications later with your SO wondering if they did something, etc, etc.

So to summarize my overly-long posting:

1) you may feel bad because your desires are in conflict with your emotional
   state at the moment causing you to deny your SO's desires

2) since many are faced with this situation at some time, if you can fix it
   a lot of people (both survivors and others) would love to know how

>                                    M.

Taylor
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery