From: becher@vax.path.ox.ac.uk
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: pain...
Date: 8 Oct 92 14:14:04 GMT
Organization: Oxford University Molecular Biology Data Centre
Nntp-Posting-User: becher

In article <keotzv600UhW88FmpG@andrew.cmu.edu>, ah2j+@andrew.cmu.edu (Alexander L. Hawkinson) writes> Dear everyone out in netland,
> 
  but I can say that what she and I built together was true, the
> kind of thing that I have always been looking for.  We go to seperate
> schools, but see each other every other weekend during the academic year
> and spend all of our vacations together.  Just two months ago we had our
> future together after college (still a year away) planned out and were
> looking towards it with a passion.  But then...
> 
> BAM
>
Sounds very familiar to me.
 
> When she returned to college this year she found that one of her
> teen-years, "mystical" romances had enrolled at her school.  She started
> seeing him, and in a matter of two weeks decided that she needs to
> continue to do so until she feels that things are "solved" between them.

This sounds familiar, too. I think the fact that she has just started a new
life and so on, being away from home (?), from you, and the fact that she 
is after all 18 years old have led to this. Give her room. That's what I
am doing with my SO at the moment. It may be very hard, but try and maintain
loose contact, let her know that you are there, but DON'T sit there waiting
for her. Get on with your life. Force yourself to meet other people, other
girls. You may know deep down inside that you don't want anyone else ever (?)
-this is how I feel at the moment-, but after a few months you realize that 
there are interesting, fun and worthy people out there. In a few months
or maybe years, she might realize that you, by then maybe a college *mystery
romance* are the right person after all. At least it sounds like nothing
major was ever wrong between you two.
> 

> She calls me at least once every couple of days and tells me tenderly
> that she knows that I am the one that she wants to be with for the rest
> of her life and that there is no one else in the world like me.  But
> then she also says that it is just going to take time to work things out
> with this guy.  She says that she knows that I am the one for her, but
> then she continues to see this other person.

Sounds o.k. from her point of view. Be her friend, but don't bank everything 
on her. Give your life a chance to change. 

>  Is she wanting to hold onto me as a security blanket,
> as something comfortable that she can have after she has had her
> excitement???  

You won't know that until she does it again. Be her friend and watch how she
deals with this other person.

  Or could it really be the case that she just needs some
> time on her own to realize through experience that what she had with me
> is what she is looking for???

That's what I think. But maybe I am just too old (26). At 18 I was not
ready to make any commitments for a lifetime.
 
> I keep thinking that if I just give her her space and relax for awhile
> things will work out and she will realize that she is hurting me severly
> and that if she wants to be with me, it is going to take a little more
> effort than just following momentary desires.

Yes, but it might be a long wait, and you might get tired of waiting and find
someone more settled, if you don't lock yourself away.

> But on the other hand, on the other days of the week, I go the other way
> and think that if I allow this to escalate she will build something with
> him as she did with me.  If there isn't any "one" person for you out
> there in this world, then it is a real danger that by letting her drift
> away, I am letting go of something wonderful when I could have done
> something about it.

There is nothing you can do about it! She has made the decision and you
are in the position of waiting, I am afraid. You just cannot force
anyone into something they don't want. If you try and force her, she'll
break out again. It should be up to her alone to make the decision and come 
back when she is ready and when YOU think she is ready. 
 
Remember you've got loads of time!!!

Anette.
Newsgroups: alt.romance