From: webber@world.std.com (Robert D Webber)
Subject: Re: Jealousy (was Re: "poly" label and other people)
Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 21:33:28 GMT

In article <1992Aug17.002629.25697@latcs1.lat.oz.au> woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse) writes:
>webber@world.std.com (Robert D Webber) writes:
>>woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse) writes:
>>>   Precisely what I was going to say. I try to let my sweeties know in
>>>advance (more out of a sense of being polite, than "asking" them or
>>>something like that), but failing that we *do* have a bit of a general
>>>policy on these things : Play Safe, Hurt No-one. (The Witches' Rede in
>>>a Poly domain? 8->).
>>
>>And once again we have this confounding of sex and love, I think.
>
>   Uh, I didn't think so. "Play safe" for me goes a little bit further 
>than "use a condom". Play safe with the *people*, too. I thought it
>was fairly clear I wasn't talking just about sex.
>

I think what I'd meant (this was a while ago) was that some of the
previous posters had confused the two.  What they had written, about
foregone opportunities and being able to control the situation and
decide what to do and not to do, struck me as being much more about
sex than about love.  I'm somewhat in agreement with Muffy that it's
really not possible to control love (I hope I'm not misrepresenting
you, Muffy, but that's what I got out of your posting).

If you can't control your emotions you either have to stop meeting
people or accept that sometimes you're going to end up feeling
strongly (loving, liking, being infatuated with) toward them or, as
you say, Joe, have some general guidelines to deal with life as
independent creatures.

>>What
>>if you're on a trip and you meet someone on an airplane (unequipped
>>with "Airfones") and you start talking and you fall in some kind of
>>love with that person?
>
>   Well, as I said, we evolved some general guidelines that can be 
>applied in advance precisely because we recognized these situatons
>can and will occur.
>
>
>>and as someone else (Muffy?) noted, at the most only a few (and probably
>>no) people can really control their emotions and decide who to fall in
>>love with and how much.
>
>   For sure. That's my bottom line when arguing with people over Poly
>issues - I say "Well, people fall in love. It happens. Most people can't
>do a thing about it. A system of relationships *must* take this into
>account".
>
>>So what do you do when you fall for someone
>>and your partner isn't around?
>
>   Basically what I'd do if I fell for someone while my partner *was*
>around. Like I say, it was more a good friendly habit I've gotten into;
>I like trying to let people know in advance, just in case there *is*
>anything relevant they want me to know. I just generally think
>communication is a Good Thing, from the point of view of making maximally
>informed decisions. But it's nothing obsessive - I don't insist on
>knowing everything, nor do I feel a compulsion to spill the beans on
>everything either.
>
>
>>It's a good thing to discuss ahead of time: if you're poly this way
>>it'd better be understood that these things will happen.  How you
>>deal with them when they do is something you have to work out
>>between everyone involved.
>
>   Right on. I guess I haven't been putting things well, I thought I'd
>said something like that a while back.
>

Oh, you probably did, I'm just a bit thick.  Or maybe just restating
to make it clearer, for myself if nobody else.

Bob


-- 
Bob Webber, webber@world.std.com ===========================================
==========================================================  Laurie Anderson:
Our plan is to drop odd objects onto your country from the air.  And some
of these objects will be useful, and some of them will just be odd.
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory