From: wlg3@po.CWRU.Edu (William L. Gann)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Transcript of Last Night's VP Debate
Date: 15 Oct 1992 03:07:47 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Reply-To: wlg3@po.CWRU.Edu (William L. Gann)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc12.ins.cwru.edu




[At 7:00PM EDT on 13 October, 1992, Vice Presidential candidates Dan
Quaylee, Al Bore, and James Stoicdale met in front of a live studio
audience to debate whatever it is that Vice Presidential candidates
are supposed to debate.  The following is a pretty much complete
transcript of the proceedings, which were carried live on ABC, CBS,
CNN, NBC, PBS, ESPN, C-SPAN 1, C-SPAN 2, C-SPAN 3.1416, and Comedy
Central.]

MODERATOR:  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  My name is Joe Misleadia,
	and I'm the news director for ABC.  I'll be moderating this, uh,
	debate <chuckles>.  Each candidate will get an initial 1:30 to
	read a prepared statement and then I'll open the floor to discus-
	sion.  During the discussion each candidate will be permitted to
	make a complete ass of himselve if he somehow failed to do so while
	reading his prepared statement.  I would like to take the opportun-
	ity to remind the audience that this is supposed to be incredibly
	dull and that it is a timed event.  Please restrict your partisan
	reactions to the 'happy clap' <demonstrates> which you all should
	have learned in the first grade, unless you went to school in
	Arkansas or during the Bush years, in which case you would have to
	take remedial college classes to pick that up.  Let's begin with
	the opening statements.  Vice Admiral Stoicdale, you'll be first.

STOICDALE:  Thank you.  I don't know what I'm doing here tonight.  I'm no
	politician, and, even though I've been a philosophy teacher for
	fifteen years, I'm certainly no public speaker.  There's no telling
	what I'm going to say if I'm not wearing my glasses, but if I've
	got them on you can expect the same stuff from me that you're
	going to get all night from these guys.

MODERATOR:  That's it?  Okay, Vice President Quaylee, your turn.

QUAYLEE:  I have only two things to say, and I'm going to harp on them
	incessantly all night:  Clinton is a lying sack of shit, and
	Bore just sucks.  So now you all know what I'm going to say and
	if I forget you can easily remind me.  Also, I reserve the right
	to substitute an actual answer to a given question with one or
	both of the above statements.  That's the priveledge of already
	being the Vice President, and as an experienced Vice President,
	I know what it's all about.  Remember, Clinton sucks, Bore blows.
	We'll find out tonight weather they spit or swallow.

MODERATOR:  Ohhh-kayy...  Senator Bore.

BORE:  That's 'whether,' you nincompoop.  You see, that is just the kind
	of incompetence we've all come to expect from Bush and Quaaluude.
	I'm awesome and Bill is pretty good, too, and we're the guys you
	want in the Oval Office, as long as there's nothing we have to
	actually make a decision about.  You see, our social, economic,
	and political policies are in direct cohesion with that which has
	been facilitated.  And let me just say, Senator Quaaluude --

QUAYLEE:  That's Quaaluudee, you fool.

BORE:  --that I promise I won't bring up JFK if you don't mention Harry
	Truman, who wasn't very good any way, but nobody really remembers,
	so you think it's safe to compare yourself favorably to him.

QUAYLEE:  Remember what happened to the last Vice Presidential candidate
	who mentioned JFK?  Huh?  Huh?

BORE:  Well, he kicked you ass in the debate.  What of it?  Anyway, Bill
	Clinton and I can't make any promises because who knows what
	positions the party will tell us to take next week, but we can
	safely say that we're a damn-sight better than the current exec-
	utives.  We don't really need your votes, but we'd sure like 'em.

MODERATOR:  <to the audience>  Shut up or I'll have you shot, you dumb
	bastards.  
	The first question is on qualifications.  I think we can expect 
	pretty short answers.  All right:  Pretend the President has just
	spontaneously combusted and you have to take over this minute.  What
	qualifications do you have that could possibly make you fit for
	the job?  Vice President Quaylee?

QUAYLEE:  First off, let me please say that both Clinton and Bore are
	really awful guys who totally suck rocks.  My trainers said I
	was allowed to answer this one, so here goes.  I remember when
	there was a coup in the Phillipines and George was in his little
	fishing boat pretending to assault foreign shores.  I had to
	deal with the crisis.  I gathered the Joint Chiefs and a couple
	other important sounding guys and they sat around in the situation
	room. I took action and fetched doughnuts and coffee while they
	effectively and quickly dealt with the coup by making a couple
	phone calls and promising to bomb everything if those li'l commies
	didn't go back where they belong.  So you see, I didn't really
	have anything to do with it, which makes me emminently qualified
	to run the United States.

STOICDALE:  I spent 37 years in the Navy, gathering some 26 combat awards
	during my service in Viet Nam.  Uh...  Er...  If anybody needs an
	ass-kicking, I'm the man for the, uh, job.  Oh, God...  Ross trusts
	me like no politician can be trusted, and I know more about what
	the government was doing during the Viet Nam war than either of
	these guys: they left us to rot in the jungle.  Er... <coughs>
	I was the leader of the underground pilots in prison; I'm a leader,
	not a politician....

MODERATOR:  Senator Bore, you're--

BORE:  Bill Clinton and I are young, healthy, sexually attractive men who
	have a plan for this contingency.  You see, the real issue here is
	the economy, not qualifications or character.  Here's what he'd
	want me to do: by a 6.2% annual cut in fiduciary dividends we plan
	to bipartisanly juxtapose budget moderation.  The Bush plan just
	doesn't include this necessary measure and it is doomed to fail.

MODERATOR:  Whatever.  Discussions.  Admiral Stoicdale, you're first.

STOICDALE:  Not me.  I'm perfectly content to let these two whippersnappers
	go right on doing what they're doing.

BORE:  Fine with me.  Cessation of monetary hostility toward deciennial
	intervention is key to our policies.  As the leader of--

QUAYLEE:  My turn now, poopy-pants.  Doesn't he suck?  Shut up!  My daddy
	could kick your daddy's ass!  My turn!  Mine!

BORE:  Oh, no you don't, you little shit.  Fecal matter deposition on
	the American taxpayer is what got us into this world-wide mess
	in the first place.  There's no reason why we can't make it all
	go away if we just believe--

STOICDALE:  Look at these babies!  Neither of them is saying anything--

BORE:  Yes I am!  I was just talking about the military-industrial mach-
	inations of Pentagon beaureaucrats in fiscal ruination--

QUAYLEE:  Hold it!  <points at Stoicdale> He said he wasn't going to say 
	anything?!  I was promised that I could just ignore him and he'd
	go away, just like the deficit!  Besides, he said _I_ could have
	his time.

BORE:  No way!  He wants me to have his time--

MODERATOR:  There isn't any time.  Everyone be quiet.  Shut up shut up shut
	up.  None of you is saying anything any way.

STOICDALE:  I was!  You heard me, didn't you?

MODERATOR:  Did someone say something?  Is there a non-party member out
	there?  Could he possibly have a point to make?

BORE:  A non-party member couldn't possibly comprehend the intricacies of
	life in DC.  <click!>  Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!  Alert!
	<whirrrr>  The exigencies of the political juggernaut are not to
	be dealt with by just anybody.  Bill and I--

QUAYLEE: I'll tell you what you and Bill are (shut up, Admiral, I'm taking
	my turn); you and Bill are sores on the buttocks of humanity.  You
	and Bill (my turn dammit!) shouldn't even be allowed to spell
	White House, much less live there--

BORE:  Who are you to talk about spelling, rat face?



-- 
"Experience has shown...how difficult it is to place the study of science on 
 anything like the same footing as the study of literature or art or
 music."          -- James B. Conant, from the Forward to Thomas Kuhn's
                    _The_Copernican_Revolution_