From: mjsmith@cac.washington.edu (Martha Smith )
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.catholic
Subject: Re:      Forwarded mail, and comments
Date: 29 Dec 1992 18:33:16 GMT
Organization: UW Computing
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: redx.cac.washington.edu

In article <9212291649.AA74351@evolving.com>,         "John W. Woolley" <|> 
|> One last request:  JJ, hold your comments for now, please?  I heard from
|> all the law-and-order people I wanted to hear from before deciding to
|> leave.  I know the law, I know the price I have to pay and I knew it before
|> asking for the divorce.  Just don't rub salt in the wounds, okay?
|> 
|> Colleen
|> 
In one way, I cannot empathize with you for I belong to a Dominican parish that
is noted for accepting divorcees and bringing them back into the church.  On the
other hand, I have a good friend who left the Church after her divorce, becoming
active in a Congregational Church she felt was warmer and more accepting.

In her case, what she felt as condemnation of the Church was more accurately
described as slowness on the part of her family to accept her choice and her
internalized assumptions of condemnation on the part of the Church and her
family.  Your comments about not being able to confess (and hence feel absolved)
makes me wonder if you have truly forgiven yourself and accepted God's forgive-
ness.  There are certainly things I have found difficult to confess because I
know that given the same information and the same choices, I would make the same
choice again - that is to say that when I sinned I truly made the best possible
choice I could with who I was and  what I knew at the time.  It sounds as if in
choosing divorce you believe you made the best possible choice you could have at
the time.  As finite creatures in an imperfect (sinful) world, that's all you 
can do.

After the issue of forgiving yourself and accepting forgiveness, it seems to me
that the next issue is how the church treated you as a pariah.  There is no
justification morally or theologically for doing so - the state of being a
divorcee is no sin.  Possibilities: (a) what was the attitude/response of your
pastor?  If he condoned or encouraged your mistreatment recognize that it is
he who needs forgiveness - church is a place of acceptance and reconciliation.
(b) was it the behavior of particular parishioners? again it is they who need
prayed for - judge not lest you be judged/let he who is without sin caste the
first stone etc. ... was their behavior representative of the community (often
small farm communities/ethnic communities etc. have their own code - was it this
code rather than the code of the church you violated?) or was it their
individual view - if the latter discount it just as you would their rotten taste
in books, movies, children's clothes or whatever ... it may affect you but it
doesn't reflect on you (c) is it possible to find another parish in which you
will feel comfortable?  Some parishes are so family oriented that any singles -
never married, widowed, divorced - feel ill at ease; my own parish is primarily
singles or couples without children hence their programs do not assume family
and those without family (divorcees included) feel more a part of the parish.
(d) are you near some spiritual growth center that could offer spiritual
direction or does your diocese offer a support group for adults who are single
again (divorce or widowed) - ours does (e) if there is no support in your area
perhaps you could start a support group - surely you are not the only Catholic
to get a divorce; you could demonstrate God's love and forgiveness for everyone
(regardless of their particular shortcoming real or percieved) by helping others
through similar problems.  In so doing, you could also work through the problems
yourself and reestablish your sense of worth to the community which is the 
Church.

Good luck - it is not the Church nor God who is pushing you away; it is only
imperfect humans.
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