From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d,rec.humor,alt.flame
Subject: Net.idiots v1.2
Date: 31 Aug 92 23:20:35 GMT
Organization: Punkadyne Industries(tm)

Here at Punkadyne Laboratories and Archives ("Where 'Get a life' takes on a
whole new meaning..."), we have been researching the net.idiots for over
a year.  Many of them could be cured simply by the following file.  Then
again, with some of them it's a wonder they can type at all.  

In cases of severe net.idiocy, we suggest you save this file, and reply
via private post (public post for severe infestations only) with this
file.  It will save you a cumbersome flame, and maybe the net.idiot will
learn a thing or two.


MINOR GRAMMAR LESSON  (you should have learned this in 4th grade):
------------

Your: Possesive               "Your manners are common usually only to
                               babboons."
You're: Contraction of        "You're a total incontinent moron."
        "You are"
Yor: Hunter of the Future     "Yor say, 'Eat meat of enemies, it make 
                               you strong!'"
------------
It's: Contraction of "It is"  "It's amazing that you have a brain at all."

Its: Possesive                "Your continued anal retentiveness may cause
                               your computer to dump its core."
------------
To: Preposition               "To call you an idiot would be insulting to
                               idiots."
Too: adverb meaning "very"    "You are too stupid for idiots, too."
     or "as well"          
Two: The number 2             "It would take two of you to make one idiot."
------------


POSSESSIVES:
------------

No apostrope if it is         "The postmasters said to give up your access."
NOT a possevive.

An apostrophe if it           "Your postmaster's patience with you ran out."
is really a possessive

Note change in apostrophe     "All the users' decisions agreed on one point:
location for multiple          You should give up computing all together."
possessives

You can also use an           "The postmaster's pretty pissed at you."
apostrophe as a contraction
of "is"
------------
Loose:  not tight or          "Loosely speaking, you are an idiot on
        rampantly mobile       the loose."

Lose:  opposite of "win"      "You are a complete loser."




MANY ANNOYING NET.HABITS
-------------

One of the first things that a lot of idiots for get is the "return" key or the "enter" key.  This causes an annying wraparound effect that screws up many scrolling utilities.


I think that this message is STUPID!  I hope this poster would die for taking
up my time with his annoying correct grammar drills.  Who the fuck does he 
think he is anyway?  He tells me to use the "kill" function, but I am way too
stupid to even think about using anything, including the "next" fuction.  
Complaining is my way to show the world that I live in a bubble of my own self-
pity and have no concept of people outside myself.

>>>>>> Cascades are really annoying
>>>>> Kool-aid bars are for toying
>>>> Drooling bears are ploying
>>> Cooling cars are going
>> Fooling around unknowing
> Posting without IQ showing
Rhyming abused and growing

Never

use

too

many

control L breaks
^L
And always know which one works.

Try 2 not uze 2 many cute contractions.  This makes U l00k like a 13yr-old BBS
geek. & nevr uze phrases like "Metalica R00lz!" "CUL8R d00d" or "UR so
stupit."

KEEP YOUR .SIGS REASONABLY SHORT
----------

___________________________________________________________________________
|#########################################################################|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|   *****  *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *****                |#|
|#|     *    *    *  *        ** **  *      *      *   *                |#|
|#|     *    ******  ***      * * *  ***    *  **  *****   *****        |#|
|#|     *    *    *  *        *   *  *      *   *  *   *                |#|
|#|     *    *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *   *                |#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|   ****   *****  *****         *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
|#|   *  **    *    *             *        *    *        *      *   *   |#|
|#|   ****     *    *  **         *****    *    *  **    *      *   *   |#|
|#|   *  **    *    *   *     **      *    *    *   *    *      *   *   |#|
|#|   ****   *****  *****     **  *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|            T-H-E  M-E-G-A  B-I-G  .S-I-G  C-O-M-P-A-N-Y             |#|
|#|                  ~-----------------------------~                    |#|
|#|  "Annoying people with huge net.signatures for over 20 years..."    |#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|---------------------------------------------------------------------|#|
|#| "The difference between a net.idiot and a bucket of shit is that at |#|
|#|  least a bucket can be emptied.  Let me further illustrate my point |#|
|#|  by comparing these charts here. (pulls out charts)  Here we have a |#|
|#|  user who not only flames people who don't agree with his narrow-   |#|
|#|  minded drivel, but he has this huge signature that takes up many   |#|
|#|  pages with useless quotes.  This also makes reading his frequented |#|
|#|  newsgroups a torture akin to having at 300 baud modem on a VAX. I  |#|
|#|  might also add that his contribution to society rivals only toxic  |#|
|#|  dump sites."                                                       |#|
|#|                     -- Robert A. Dumpstik, Jr                       |#|
|#|                        President of The Mega Big Sig Company        |#|
|#|                        September 13th, 1990 at 4:15pm               |#|
|#|                        During his speech at the "Net.abusers        |#|
|#|                        Society Luncheon" during the                 |#|
|#|                        "1990 Net.idiots Annual Convention"          |#|
|#|_____________________________________________________________________|#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#| Thomas Babbit, III: 5th Assistant to the Vice President of Sales    |#|
|#|      __                                                             |#|
|#|  ==========    ______             Digital Widget Manufacturing Co.  |#|
|#|         \\     /                  1147 Complex Incorporated Drive   |#|
|#|        )-=======                  Suite 215                         |#|
|#|                                   Nostromo, VA 22550-1147           |#|
|#| #NC-17 Enterpoop Ship :)          Phone # 804-844-2525              |#|
|#|    ----------------               Fax # 804-411-1115                |#|
|#| "Shut up, Wesley!"                Online Service # 804-411-1100     |#|
|#|                  -- Me            at 300-2400, and now 9600 baud!   |#|
|#|                                   PUNet: tbabb!digwig!nostromo      |#|
|#| Home address:                     InterNet: dvader@imperial.emp.com |#|
|#| Thomas Babbit, III                Prodigy: Still awaiting author-   |#|
|#| 104 Luzyer Way                             ization                  |#|
|#| Sulaco, VA 22545                  "Manufacturing educational widget |#|
|#| Phone # 804-555-1524               design for over 3 years..."      |#|
|#|=====================================================================|#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|  Introducing:                                                       |#|
|#|                                 ______                              |#|
|#|  The  |\  /|                         /                              |#|
|#|       | \/ |                        /                               |#|
|#|       |    |                       /                                |#|
|#|       |    |                      /                                 |#|
|#|       |    | ETELHED             /_____ ONE                         |#|
|#|'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'|#|
|#| 50Megs Online!  The k00l BBS for rad teens!  Lots of games and many |#|
|#| bases for kul topix!  Call now and be validated to the Metelhed Zone|#|
|#|                      -- 804-555-8500 --                             |#|
|#|\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\V/////////////////////////////////////|#|
|#| "This is the end, my friend..."      -- The Doors                   |#|
|#########################################################################|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hit "b" to continue

Hahahha... fooled u!
 



SOMETIMES, IDIOTS WHO ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY WILL LEAVE THE ALL CAPS KEY ON
AND GIVE YOU HEADACHES, BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF OUR BRAINS, OTHER
NET.USERS THINK THAT ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING AT US.

similarily we can get headaches from idiots who dont believe in punctuation
and sometimes leave out words that important to understand phrase makes it
very hard to understand we have read it over and over times to do so and 
sometimes the sentence loses a lot meaning and gibberish orange bucket of
plaster sometime it is that way i dont think they capitalize much there for
it to when so and then some

                                                               Try to
                                                               avoid
                                                               unneccessary
                                                               spaces

                                                               or tabs.

Not all of us are at 9600 baud, you know.


Crossposting fanatics.  Stop.  I have seen lines like:

Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.besiality,rec.tv.simpsons.maggie.suck.suck.suck,
rec.soc.wicca,alt.tv.melrose.place,comp.usa.unix.programmers,rec.humor,
rec.humor.gag,rec.humor.lemme.post.that.dyslexic.agnostic.joke.again,
gay.vollyball,alt.satanism,alt.I.think.Im.evil.but.Im.just.a.geek,rec.dot.
dot,rec.easily.offended.newsgroups,rec.dot.etc

Also, FAQ means "Frequently Asked Questions."  Try to read one if one is
available for a group to avoid looking this stupid:

>Newsgroup: rec.arts.tv.startrek
>
>In message 921111.023556 bmoose@whatsamattaU.edu (Bullwinkle Moose) says:
>
>   Duh, like that Dr. Spock guy.  Why does he have pointy ears?  And has
>anyone noticed that the guy who plays Captain Cerk is not a very good
>actor?  And is that a toupee?


FLAMING:
--------

Do not flame:
--------
media trivia:

>In message 921111032241 cforrester@gizmonic.com (Dr. Clayton Forrester) says:
>
>to think that.  I would think that the main reason Data said that to LaForge
>is to hurry the plot line along.  I mean, not that it matters, but that's
>what I thought they meant.

How fucking DARE you think that?  What kind of ignoramous are you?  You are
so fucking stupid!  The Star Trek writers spend at least 2 months on each
episode.  They go into infallable scientific detail, and you, Mr Smartypants,
(oh, excuse me *Dr.* Smartypants) has to give us airs and try and use the
old line "It's just a TV show."  I have heard people say that so much, my
fist hurts by the end of the day from punching so many people.  It's not
*just* a TV show, but a guru of programming!  I even step out of my parent's
basement to watch it on their color TV!  This show is much more sophisticated
than you could ever fathom.  There is no such thing as a "plot advance" or
whatever you neandrathall of a loser think it was.  It was a hidden message
       [example shortened by eight pages for sake of morals]


someone else's flame:

>In message 920101121542 acapone@chistate.edu (Allan Capone) says:
>
>You filthy skum-sucking worm-snorting flaming homo of a flea's rectum. I
>wish you would eat shit and die!

Me?  Well, you are the necrosadobeastialalistic example of a white-out
sniffing pimp for diseased girls.  You are so ugly, if Satan himself saw
you, he would throw up just so he could bury his face into the vomit. How
dare you insult me, you urine bank for a mouth, uncouth, rabid foaming
elephant bile.
     [notice how the actual arguement topic is not mentioned...]


occasional spelling or grammar errors:

>In message 9021090125 mghandi@fr.id (M. Ghandi) says:
>
>but if we can all live in paece, I think the world would be a better place.
                           ^^^^^

Paece?  What the fuck is paece?  Some Hindu dish with too much curry?  It's
faggots like you who make this world a communist cesspool by spreading
misspelled garbage to weaken the minds of us anal-retentive war-lovers.



STAY ON THE SUBJECT
------------
Stay on the newsgroup or thread topic as much as possible:

Newsgroup: rec.pets.bunnies

>In message 66611125285 bfru@fairy.com (Bunny Fru) says:
>
>I think it is just cute the way they nibble on cabbage.  It's like their
>nose is part of the chewing!

Yeah, that reminds me of something my cat did once. He was walking across
the road when he nearly got hit by a car.  It was one of those LeCars, like
from 1982.  It was red, and policemen know that red cars usually travel fast
and so the get more tickets.  I think it's unfair, but that's the sort of
Nazi tactics the police use here in new Jersey.  That and the pollution.
Pollution here is awful, I mean you cant even see, and cleaning you windows
would be impossible without some borax and vinegar.  I just add 2 parts 
vinegar to one part borax, and it works great without streaking.  My wife
likes it when I clean, so that sort of flip-flops out roles in the marraige:
I do the cleaning, and she works late hours.  I think the boss is trying to
come onto her, but she's strong since she read Dianetics.  Say what you will
about that book, but it works great!  I don't think I am a space alien for
reading one, but if there is intelligent life out there, I bet you they
would avoid us.  We are too warlike.  I mean, can you believe Desert Storm?
           [six long and rambling paragraphs destroyed]
So then I said it would be too much money for just one operation, but that
insurance covered it with no problem.  Boy was relived!  Like when you 
finally poop after holding it too long.  But what a mess! I found the best
           [ten more paragraphs deleted for sake of brevity]
until the name "Mauldling" is almost totally obscured?

I mean, would you do that with a giraffe in a crowded elevator?

-------------
Don't forget the "I'll-be-the-first-one-to-think-of-something-obvious" 
user:

Message 1:

I hate events in which you have to wear a badge.

Message 2:
Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 3:

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 4:

badges we dont need no stupid badges

Message 5:

>badges we dont need no stupid badges
                        ^^^^^^

I think it's "stinkin'"

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 6:

>badges we dont need no stupid badges
                        ^^^^^^

its stinking, you total stupid poopoo head

badges we dont need no stinking badges

...

Message 425:

Hey!  I just started reading this group!

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges?

(Say, why do they tell you to read these groups for a while before posting, 
anyway?)

-------------
Are you Mr. Politically Correct?  Try to realize that you are not so
important, that we actually care enough to purposely insult you:

> In message 920205.125355 ssmalley@anal.retentive.edu (Stuart Smalley)
>
>"Please do not refer to me as a man, as that is a sexist label.  I'm vaginally 
>challenged..."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

This list is still growing.  Send your gripes too:
 
                     +---------------------------+
                     |    This .sig has been     |
                     |    temporarily removed    |
                     |        for study.         |
                     +---------------------------+
(c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d