From: wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu (William F. Garrett)
Subject: Silly Magic Items, part 2
Keywords: silly magic items
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept, Ithaca NY 14853
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1993 23:17:41 GMT

Folks,

Here is the second installment of my list of Silly Magic Items.
Enjoy.

				- The Wizard

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The Magic Items that TSR Forgot (part 2 of 3)
by Bill Garrett


Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for
the past 13 years?  Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-
fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items.  Drop
one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.


Mall of the Titans

This enclosed shop-o-rama has everything one could possibly imagine,
including lots of Big-and-Tall Men's shops.


Potion of Bowel Control

Cures imbiber of any intestinal disorders and/or incontinence (forget
those adult undergarments!).  Roughly 1 in 10 of these potions are
cursed to cause permanent loss of control.


Staff, Administrative

This staff will claim to be able to do just about anything, but in
reality works too slowly and too poorly to do much of anything.  These
Staves come in different sizes -- the bigger, the worse.  The staff
will always grow when requested to do something.


Cloak of Obesity

This bulky garment makes the wearer look as much as 50 pounds heavier
than he/she actually is.  If used in conjunction with a disguise
proficiency, it increases the chance of success by 30%.


Horn of Frogs

When this odd, green horn is blown, 10d10 frogs fly from the orifice.
Their trajectory will spread them out in a 60-degree arc with a 60'
radius.  Any creatures caught within this area of effect are assumed
to collide with 1d10 frogs (1 point of damage each).  Movement is
reduced to 1/4 normal and all affected creatures must make a saving
throw vs dragon breath at +4 or be knocked over.


Rug of Slobbering

These rugs are normally indistinguishable from ordinary carpets, but
radiate a strong magical dweomer.  When a Rung of Slobbering is
unfurled and tossed at a target, it will envelop the victim and
slobber rabidly for 1d4+2 rounds, after which it will fall limply to
the ground.  Note that the victim and all of his/her possessions will
be completely water-logged.


Crystal Ball, Disco

Disco Balls are silver multifaceted spheres, usually 2 feet in
diameter.  Once per day, on command, the Ball will levitate up to 30'
in the air and will rotate slowly, casting a special Dancing Lights
spell.  One in 10 of these items have the further capability of
casting Otto's Irresistable Dance at the 13th level of magic use.


Dust of Dirtiness

This magical powder, when spread over an object, will cause the
surface to becme dirty.  Each small pouch can cover an area of 10
square feet.


Cloak of Promiscuity

This cloak appears to be a fairly good-looking piece of clothing.
When donned, it becomes transparent to all individuals except the
person wearing it.


Bag of Vomit

This item appears to be an ordinary, non-descript satchel.  When it is
opened and inverted, however, it vomits uncontrollably for 1 round.
There is always a faint but odd odor to this item.


Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag

Not to be confused with a Bag of Vomit, Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag is
always full of regurgitated food and vile stomach juices.  If emptied
by any amount, it will refill itself the next day.  This item is
rumored to be an orifice of an extra-planar creature who perpetually
drinks too much alcohol.


Cloak of Misplacement

For nearly all intents and purposes, this is an ordinary piece of
clothing.  Anytime a wearer removes it, there is a 30% chance that it
will spontaneously disappear.


Ring, Token

Creatures who wear this powerful ring gain the ability to communicate
with eachother via a message-passing protocol.  Comes in 4 Mbps and 16
Mbps varieties.


Shell of Process Control

With this power device (utility, actually), a wielder gains complete
control over all processes, including rights to change their state,
resource allocation, and priority.  There might be dangerous side
effects, though, as the Shell uses the Bind Socket spell to coerce the
appropriate Daemons to do the user's bidding.  Specifically, there is
a 10% chance per shell command that the daemon will escape the
bindings and KILL-9 the user or create 2d4 zombie processes and send
them at the user.


Gem of Worthlessness

This appears to be a valuable stone such as a diamond, emerald, or
ruby, but is actually just cut glass.


Sword +1, +4 vs Masonry

This weapon was created to destroy masonry.  When within 60' of any
stones, bricks, mortar, concrete, or rocks, the sword will pulse
angrily.  For each 100 pounds of such materials, there is a cumulative
10% chance that the weapon will dominate the user and force him/her to
attack all masonry in sight until it is reduced to rubble.

[-- End Part 2 of 3 --]
-- 
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| Bill Garrett                                       Cornell University |
| wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu                Department of Computer Science |
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