From: oispeggy@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Peggy Brown)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Circum.: When Parents Disagree :-(
Date: 24 Dec 92 03:52:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Dec23.212132.22722@ntmtv>, missy@ntmtv.UUCP (Missy Iaquinto) writes...
> 
> 
>This discussion happens to be coming at a time when my husband
>and I are needing to make this decision, and I'm looking for
>some net.experience, or at least some net.advice.
> 
>We have a 3 year old daughter.  When I was pregnant with her,
>and we did not know her gender, we never really "agreed" on
>the issue, I was against, he was for.  At that time, I had
>said once, and now regret saying, that he could make the
>final decision, but that I was against it.  We never really
>discussed it further, but I'm sure that had Kayla been a boy,
>she would have been circumcised.
> 

Well, you ASKED for net opinions, so here goes....Note, this is 
just my opinion and I hope I don't say anything you find 
offensive.

1.) I think your husband is *VERY* manipulative.

2.) I think you do not deal with his manipulative tendencies as 
well as you could, which maybe encourages him.  In fact, you may 
well be giving him mixed messages, which confuse him.  Very common 
problem for women.  We tend to submerge our wills and identities 
for others.  This is something I've dealt with (and continue to 
deal with).  For me things were not greatly unbalanced.  In fact, 
it took awhile before I even acknowledged that things were not 
50/50.  Once I figured it out though I did something about it and 
my husband adjusted fine, eventually.  Its not pleasant to rock the
goat ("goat" was really a type, but I think I'll leave it.:)), 
but I feel much better having an egalitarian relationship 
and and equal division of power.  (You may or may not feel that 
any of this would be useful for you.)

3.)  I think its completely irrelevant that under pressure and 
manipulation you agreed to circumcision for your first baby.  Its 
a GAME to think any of that applies to the second baby.  It was 
unfair the first time and certainly is unfair now.  Besides, 
YOU feel strongly about it.  You may well feel more strongly 
about it than your husband.  IMO just because he's a male does 
not give him the final say.  IMO, since the procedure is 
medically unneccessary, both parents should agree on it.  (I'm 
expecting a boy in April and he will not be circumcized.)

4.) I think its completely unfair and another GAME what happened 
with the name situation too.  I don't think your strategy of 
"bringing it up later" is very effective.  That gives him time to 
get "set" on the idea and gives it more momentum, at least in his 
mind.  When something like this comes up its far more effective 
to express the fact that you do not accept this, but it can be 
discussed later. 

I don't know how other people choose names.  With my husband and 
I we decided that I would choose the girl's name and he would 
choose the boy's - with both of us having veto power over 
something we hated.  I was torn between Amanda Clare and Alyson 
Clare, but went with Amanda because he liked it better.  He chose 
Richard Leonard (after his father).  I choked on Leonard and 
suggested Paul instead (his name).  So his final selection was 
Richard Paul.  (He thought about Paul Richard too, but I was 
discouraging about 2 with the same name in the house.)  Anyway, 
since its a boy the name will be Richard Paul.  We had relatively 
little fuss over naming and both of us are content with the 
selection.  

Since you already know your child will be a boy this method won't 
work for you.  Another way would be to rate different names and 
then select one that you both rated highly.  Though if he is into 
playing games instead of being honest, he will trash all the 
names he knows you like....I don't know what to suggest.... You 
have a problem, but don't back down.

This is a time of great joy and excitement, so try not to let 
these (relatively) little problems ruin it...

Good luck,

- Peggy -
Xref: sparky misc.kids:31387 sci.med:23347