From: markm@ogicse.ogi.edu (Mark Morrissey)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: A not-so-cheery coming out story
Date: 12 Jan 93 19:55:04 GMT
Article-I.D.: ogicse.48408
Distribution: world
Organization: Oregon Graduate Institute (formerly OGC), Beaverton, OR

In article <ll5f6dINN3do@exodus.Eng.Sun.COM> flar@bendenweyr.Eng.Sun.COM (Jim Graham) writes:
>
>In effect, you should ask yourself why would *you* want a relationship
>with someone that had such a closed mind and who would toss out such a
>long-term friendship so easily?

I really liked what Jim wrote, but wanted to add a different perspective
to what he said in the paragraph which I included.

I think that whether or not someone is closed minded really isn't that
much of an issue.  We are all closed minded to some degree.  I think that
what Jim was getting at, however, is this:

Why would you want to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't like *you*?

Jim's experience was one of "we'll play, but only on my rules."  What
that meant was that there was a fair chunk of Jim that that person
didn't like, but as long as Jim was the one changing to fit into the
relationship and bent over backwards to make it work (kind of like
begging for friendship?) then things were just fine for that "friend."
What that eventually became was a low stress way for them to part.  The
friend never had to tell Jim to get out of his life, but that is how
it worked out.

I just sent a coming out letter to my family as their Christmas
present.  The only non-positive response so far has been my
fundamentalist sister who let me know that it is only because I am her
brother that she continues to have a  relationship with me.  I was
informed that if we were just friends - no matter how close - things
would be over now.  It looks like she might be a lost cause - I know
I'm not losing any sleep over it.

I decided a long time ago that having people in your life who clearly
disapprove of fundamental parts of you causes too much stress.   The
problem is that the stress is non-confrontational so it is difficult to
get rid of for many people.  Thus, I have informed all my friends that
if they are my friend then they must want to hear about the major parts
of my life.  I talk about Roger and queer poolitics and such without
apology whenever and wherever it strikes me (and is appropriate for the
group gathered).  I refuse to not talk about something just because the
people at the next table in the restaurant might frown on "gay talk" or
because one of my straight friends might be supposed to be gay.  None
of my current friends balks at this and almost all refuse to identify
as straight when having such discussions with people they don't know.
They are good friends, for the most part just like I think I am a good
friend - for the most part.  I will also note that most of the time we
get together, very little of any of our private lives comes up.  We
mostly talk about the Blazers, Star Trek, house buying and the like.
One friend, Don, describes me as just like everyone else except that I
use more male pronouns and less female ones.

I have drifted a bit (in true soc.motss tradition!) but think it ties in.
Hope it adds a bit to the discussion.

--mark
--
Mark Morrissey           One Hatred to rule them all.  One Hatred to find them.
markm@cse.ogi.edu        One Hatred to bring them all and in the darkness bind
                         them.  In the land of Bigotry where the Shadows lie.