From: v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (sandra guzdek)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: Drunk Trek (a drinking game!)
Date: 19 Aug 92 17:17:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

huh-bi fruh-bends! ("Zoom"!)

1.  i found this a couple of months ago on the r.a.s.hell :) and hasn't 
appeared since. the way these guys posted it, though, it ran pretty much 
as one continuous line, and deleted words and such. i have endeavoured 
to re-type it in, for myself really, and thought i would share it with 
all of you.

2.  DO NOT SEND COMMENTS TO ME. send them to the e-mail address listed 
in the drinking game. (unless you want to comment on my additions, that is.)

3.  It *is* pretty long. Consider yourself warned.

4.  Enjoy!

  +                                  +                                       +
   sandra guzdek + username: v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu + til 28 Aug 1992 
       6037 Devlin Avenue + Niagara Falls, NY + 14304 + after 28 Aug 1992 
    "Higher emotions are what separate us from the lower orders of life... 
                  Higher emotions, and table manners."
                       --- Deanna Troi, _Imzadi_

Drunk Trek Rules: Version 5.1
(Stardate 9208.19)

By Dan Sissman, Chris Aylott, Toby Elliott, Jonathan Young and various
other redshirts.

Retyped for readability and various portions guessed at by: Sandra Guzdek
	(* = my own humble additions :)

	These rules were originally inspired by a document entitled "Star 
Trek Drinking Game Rules" compiled by David Vangerov of UCSC.  This is NOT 
an updated version of those rules, but a completely different document.  
These rules are far more comprehensive, and are so complex they border 
on sentience.  If you use them properly, you too will border on 
sentience by the end of an episode.
	As Star Trek evolves, so shall Drunk Trek (hopefully).  New 
rules are constantly being accepted.  If you have a staggeringly 
brilliant idea for a rule, send it to:

	WARP
	SU 3213 Williams College Way
	Williamstown, MA  01267

..or through the internet: 93jay@cc.williams.edu

The material contained herein is a trademark-copyrighted-semi-public-domain-
shareware-trade secret.  Any distribution of these rules must be done in 
a non-profit fashion or the culprit will be transported into the middle 
of a Klingon slam-dancing contest (Klingons will be placed within an 
episode of "Mama's Family.").  Any similarities to beings living, dead, 
or otherwise is strictly in good fun, so loosen up already!


I: GENERAL

1: PRIME DIRECTIVE:  Keep in mind, the "rules" presented herein are ONLY 
   GUIDELINES!   Feel free to ignore any of them, or to create new 
   ones on the spur of the moment.  Remember, you never really NEED
   an excuse to drink while watching Trek.  This is not a competition,
   merely an exercise in art appreciation.  No wagering, please.

   1a: COROLLARY:  The only rule you must absolutely, positively, 
	not in any way violate, ignore or throw out (aside from this 
	one) is Rule Number 1.

   1b: ACCEPTABLE TRADITIONAL BEVERAGES:  Beer (OldSwill preferred),
	Sgt. Pepper's Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters (see note 1), Saurian 
	Brandy.  Basically, anything but Boors'.
	ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATE BEVERAGES:  Anything except Diet Choke. Orange
	Juice and Mello Yello (the drink of the nineties) preferred.

   1c: WEIGHTS AND MEASURES:  A "drink" is officially defined as:  
	the precise amount of liquid refreshment the imbiber finds 
	adequate to his needs as expressed at the moment of drinking. In
	English:  whatever the hell you feel like, from a fractional 
	swallow to an oceanic chug.  The words "drink" and "shot" will 
	be used interchangeably throughout these rules.  Some rules omit 
	the word "drink" entirely.  This does not excuse viewers from 
	their duty.

   1d: SOCIAL DRINKING:  Drinking should be as social an activity as 
	watching Trek.  When a player says "social". . . Drink!  Drink
	twice if a character says the word "social."

2: NOMENCLATURE:  Players may only refer to the program as "Trek."  The 
   names "Trek Classic,"  in the case of the series starring John Winston 
   as Lt. Kyle, or "New Trek,"  in the case of the series starring Jennifer 
   Barlow as Ensign Gibson, are also acceptable.  Penalty shots are to be 
   handed out to anyone referring to the show as "Star Trek."  The game is 
   to be referred to as "Drunk Trek" or "D.T."  Players are to be referred 
   to as "Drunk Trekkers" (in the case of hard-core players with regular 
   attendance and a profound understandings of the deep meanings of Trek), 
   "Drunk Trekkies" (in the case of semi-regulars who generally care more 
   about the hydrodynamics of keg-tapping than the functioning of a 
   Jeffries Tube), or as "Drunk Trekkists" (in the case of visitors who 
   just want to get wildly drunk).  The participants may be collectively 
   referred to as the "D.T."s.

3: OPENING THEME:  Players are strongly encouraged to recite the opening 
   narrative and sing (to the best of their abilities) along with the theme 
   song.  Whenever the Enterprise whooshes by, players should follow and 
   imitate its motion or inertial effects with their heads, simultaneously 
   making the appropriate "whoosh" noise.  (We know this sounds really 
   silly on paper, but trust us, it works.)

   3a: CREDITS:  Players should cheer or boo names in the credits where 
	appropriate.  Writers should get the benefit of the doubt.  
	Anyone booing Gene Roddenberry will be pelted with garbage and
	forcibly ejected.  The abscence of a certain teenage vunderkind
	may be celebrated during the noticeable pause in the credits.

   3b: EPISODE TITLES:  In most Trek and Next Generation episodes, the 
	episode's title is either explicitly mentioned in, or derived 
	from, a character line.  Drink when this occurs, twice if it
	was stolen from Shakespeare.  Drink on first appearance of the
	title if it was stolen from somewhere else (e.g. Conscience of 
	the King, The Schizoid Man).

   3c: VIRGINS IN SPACE:  At this point, as the local station cuts to 
	the post-opening-credit commercials, first time D.T.s chug.

4: GOLDEN SHOWER:  Tradition calls for finished beverage cans (no 
   bottles please!) to be hurled into a convenient front corner of the 
   room.  Occasionally, said cans are hurled prematurely, to the distress 
   of those watching in the front ranks.  Thrower drinks.  Spraying the 
   television counts double.

5: THE POKER FLATS/SINCLAIR LEWIS/57 Varieties UNWRITTEN MEMORIAL RULE: 
   (Consult a founding father privately for information regarding this 
   rule.)

6: ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH:  When a Starfleet crewmember gets toasted, 
  players should intonate the proper litany and imbibe a ritual shot:

		If the Shirt is Red, the (man is, woman's) dead.
		If the Shirt is Blue, the (man is, woman's) stew.
		If the Shirt is (Yellow, he's one dead fellow/
			Gold, she's just been told).

   Players are strongly encouraged to make up a new rhyme in the event 
   of a different color appearing. The flow of alcohol may help with this.  
   Note that the word "Shirt" is non-negotiable, even if the victim is 
   wearing a jumpsuit or a tunic.  Feminine forms as indicated are accepted 
   if the victim was female.  Neuter forms are only acceptable in the case 
   of a neuter species.  Also note that security personnel and other 
   expendable types are to be referred to throughout the program as 
   "Redshirts" regardless of his/her garb.
   Players may find it useful to familiarize themselves with the 
   "Redshirt Freeze." Many special effects, especially those of the 
   cheapo kind, require a still image. Consequently, Redshirts often seem 
   unnaturally still immediately before they go to the Great Security Deck 
   in The Sky.

7: INERTIALS (SHIPSHAKE):  Whenever the Enterprise's internal dampeners 
   are on the fritz (i.e. the camera shakes), players must rock 
   spasmodically in sympathy.  One player should rock in the wrong 
   direction.  Standing players should grab any nearby object (couches,  
   tables, upright lamps, people who just wandered into the room) for 
   support.

8: CLYDE'S CLASSICAL CLICHE CLAUSE:  "Your weapons are useless here." -- 
   "You're my guests," followed or preceded by "We're your prisoners." --
   "Resistance is useless."  Etc.  Drink.

9: PETER PRINCIPLE OF STARFLEET RANK:  Drink whenever a stupid commodore
   appears, twice if he takes control of the ship.  Also applies when a 
   character exceeds his/her authority (e.g. Lt-Cmdr Shelby).  Also 
   drink when guest admirals have uniforms that are noticeably shoddier 
   than the regular cast's.

10: THE PHYSICS MAJOR REALITY CHECK (PMRC):  Whenever a clear physical
   impossibilty occurs, it is the sovereign privilege and duty of any
   physics major or any other science geek to call it.  Everyone drinks.

   10a: THE NON-PHYSICS MAJOR CHECKS AND BALANCES REFEREEING SYSTEM:  
	When General Order 10 (PMRC) is invoked, anybody who can 
	rationalize said impossibility to the satisfaction of all others
	present can make all others present (him/herself included, if so
	desired) drink again, except the caller of General Order 10, who
	shall drink twice.  Note: if the physics-major-type-geek-person-
	entity invoked Rule 10 in reference to a physical impossibility
	which actually occurred in the viewing room and not on the 
	program, you may invoke Rule 10a.

11: OH NO! NOT THE _______!:  Whenever a character says a particularly 
   ominous phrase (e.g. "Captain, I have invoked Starfleet Code 
   Seventeen"), manages to correctly use a complicated (made up or 
   otherwise) scientific term ("The hyperionic radiation is interfering 
   with the transporter, sir") or refers to a wonderfully named device 
   ("Yes, use the Purple Cloud"), players should immediately respond with, 
   "Oh no! Not Starfleet Code Seventeen/Not hyperionic radiation/Not the 
   Purple Cloud!"  Drink.

   11a: OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT DOES:  Drink whenever someone explains 
	the function of one of the items mentioned above.  Also drink
	when someone from a backwards culture misunderstands such an 
	item, or mispronounces its name.

   11b: YOU JUST INITIATED *WHAT*?!:  Drink whenever the self-destruct 
	sequence is activated.

*  11c: WE HAVE SEPARATION:  Drink whenever there is made mention of the 
	saucer separation.  Drink twice if they actually do it.

12: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER:  Starfleet's rigorous training ensures 
   that any competent Starfleet officer is able to deal with equipment 
   lists, cargo manifests, and menus.  Whenever a character rattles off a 
   list, players should finish it by singing out (in unison): "And a 
   partridge in a pear tree."  Drink -- you've earned it. In addition, 
   officers are expected to deal with large numbers.  Drink when they can't 
   handle these and are forced to give each number individually ("Captain, 
   now in range of Starbase One-Nine) or are forced to refer to 1 to any 
   power.

13: THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE MEAT:  In the future, all sciences and arts 
   have progressed far beyond our wimpy capabilities, and the culinary arts 
   are no exception.  Horribly inefficient foodstuffs, such as roast turkey 
   and king crab legs, have been replaced by two much healthier types of 
   nutrition: the Multicolored Synthesized Food Substitute Cubes, and the 
   Typical Nauseating Alien Delicacy.  Drink anytime a Starfleet officer 
   eats one of these items.

   13a: COMPUTER, POUR ME ANOTHER:  In seeming rebellion of Rule 13, 
	drinks of all types proliferate throughout the galaxy, from 
	water to Klingon kill-a-Romulan-at-fifteen-paces alcohol.  Drink
	whenever a character drinks, twice if it's Scotty or the drink 
	is prune juice, the warrior's drink.

14: SOCIAL SCIENCES MAJOR REALITY CHECK:  In addition to the many 
   physical impossibilities of Trek (see General Order 10, above), Star 
   Trek also often presents alien races and cultures who could never have 
   existed, much less developed space travel.  It is the right of any 
   student of one of the "squishy" subjects to groan loudly and decry this 
   crime.  Everyone drinks.

15: POWERS AND ABILITIES BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MEN (Or: the Deus Ex 
   Trekkus rule):  Player should drink whenever a character appears who has 
   god-like supernatural talents.  Examples: Charlie X., Trelayne, Apollo, 
   The Q, Gary Mitchell, etc.

   15a: POWERS AND ABILITIES BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MEN (Or: I'm not as 
	think as you dumb I am):  The Enterprise occasionally encounters
	aliens who, in the face of severe limitations in intelligence,
	firepower, and good looks, attempt to buck the Federation's 
	authority.  Drink.

   15b: ALIENS WHO THINK WHO THE HELL THEY ARE:  Not to be confused with
	Deus Ex Trekkus, this rule comes into effect whenever an alien 
	race refers to humans as "primitive."  While there is obviously 
	considerable overlap between the two rules, some aliens are
	clearly mega-powerful without rubbing our noses in it (Trelayne's
	parents), while others, despite what they think of themselves, 
	are really wimpy aliens we could toast with one phaser bank tied
	behind our backs (Telosians, Velarans).

   15c: DO YOU WANT ME TO TEST OUT MY THEORY ON YOUR HEAD?:  Drink 
	whenever a "primitive" human manages to gain the upper hand with
	either a rule 15 or 15b alien.

16: WE CAN BUILD A BETTER OFFICER:  Starfleet Academy prides itself on 
   the quality of its product.  Officers who graduate from there are 
   exepcted to be physically fit and capable of dealing diplomatically with 
   any situation.  Drink for any poorly choreographed (any) fights.

   16a: BUT THEN WE'D BE NO BETTER THAN THEY ARE:  In addition to 
	turning out physically fit specimens, Starfleet officers are 
	expected an immaculate moral code.  Drink whenever a character
	delivers a Particularly Moralistic Soliloquy (PMS) or a 
	Suprememly Philosophical Added Moral (SPAM), twice if it's a
	starship captain.

   16b: IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING THAT I DO:  Starfleet officers
	are also expected to make the ultimate sacrifice (usually, it
	seems whenever possible).  Drink when one volunteers to 
	(especially Kirk -- "No Trelayne, take it out on me, not my 
	crew").

   16c: I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR:  The final oath any officer leaving the 
	Academy must take is to uphold the Prime Directive.  Drink to
	any flagrant violations of this oath.

   16d: SMILE, PLEASE:  Starfleet crewmen are expected to compose 
	themselves well, keeping their emotions to themselves.  However,
	this training sometimes fails badly and the result is a shit-
	eating grin (SEG).  Drink to any male crew member wearing one.

   16e: HAIR:  This brings us to the rather touchy subject of hair, the
	only area in which there has been no progress since the 20th
	century.  Drink to cats on heads (especially Bill Shatner's),
	cheesy toupees, hippy hairstyles and truly ungodly headglare off
	of bald spots.  [Certain founding fathers would like to take 
	this opportunity to point out how much more manly, more stylish,
	more. . . bearded people become, and certainly how a beard has 
	made Riker a more thoughful and mature sentient. Geordi too.]

17: IF IT'S TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE TELEPATHY:  Starfleet officers are, as 
   previously mentioned, the chosen representatives of their Federation, 
   the pinnacle of cultural and biological achievement.  This has inspired 
   a tremendous envy among other sentients.  What they cannot have they 
   always want, and fortunately the vast preponderance of mental powers and 
   utter lack of psi shields in the Trek universe allows them to take.  
   Drink whenever a Starfleet officer is mentally tortured, mind-dominated, 
   or simply screwed over.  Chug if the same thing happened the last time 
   you watched Trek.

18: IT SOUNDS KIND OF CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK:  The Enterprise has 
   a long history of putting to the test procedures that "have never been 
   tested before", "are only based on theory" or are "still in the 
   experimental stage". It's the least we can do to raise a toast to these 
   intrepid pioneers without whom there would have been no major 
   technological advances since the 21st century.

19: BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT RULE:  Whenever a character says the word 
   "excellent,"  players should make the appropriate air guitar gestures 
   (with sound effects).  Yes, it IS stupid, but we like it.  Drink.

20. THE DARONE CODICIL:  ANY reference to the period of "twenty minutes" 
   will be greeted by loud cheering, rude noises and the immediate 
   consumption of all beverages in hand.  A boisterous cry of "TWENty 
   MINutes" shall ring out.  Anyone failing to do so will be forced to 
   watch twenty minutes of _Space: 1999_.  Yes, we do believe in cruel and 
   unusual punishment.

21: SATURDAY NIGHT STARFLEET:  Drink to really funky psychedelia, 
   whether intentional or not.  This includes multicolored star patterns 
   that appear out of viewports (sometimes even when the ship is 
   stationary).  Drink when characters appear dressed for these occasions.

22: THE TWO-AND-ONE RULE:  A classic writer's tactic when introducing a 
   new or unfamiliar name or concept is to place it alongside two familiar 
   ones, e.g.: "The philosphical greats: Plato, Socrates and Surak."  
   Drink.

23: A WISE MAN ONCE SAID:  Drink to all line echoes, without which the 
   program would only be 47 minutes long.  Also, drink to all Trek Classic 
   references in TNG.

24: RANK HATH ITS PRIVILEGES:  Whenever a landing party/Away Team/bridge
   compliment is subject to attack by a sonic blast/pain field/knockout 
   gas/mind squisher, the highest ranking officer is always the last to 
   fall unconscious.  Drink.

25: PROFOUND GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS:  Drink.

26: JUST POINT AND SHOOT:  In the future all forms of equipment 
   maintenance and adjustment have been streamlined to require only two 
   simple devices: the mysterious hand-held device/tricorder that blinks 
   and works, and the new improves coherent-beam-with-tasteful-sparkle 
   flashlight.  Drink for gratuitous usage of these devices on both 
   equipment and crew.

27: DON'T DO THAT, YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT ANGRY:  Drink whenever the most 
   advanced Federation weapons hit an enemy or obstacle but have no 
   noticeable effect.

28: ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A LIGHT:  Thanks to budget increases in New 
   Trek and simple bloody-mindedness in Classic, spaceships, starbases and 
   planets explode (with appropriate light and sound effects) with alarming 
   regularity.  Players should immediately toast its passing with a shout 
   of "No! BUD Light!"  and a drink.

29: NO I'D BETTER GO DOWN AND CHECK THIS OUT MYSELF:  Drink whenever the 
   Conn changes hands.

30: MARRIED. . . WITH CHILDREN:  We all know to whom a starship captain 
   is married.  Drink to any references to the ship as "mine", "she", or 
   "her", long panning shots of the Enterprise, and any time Kirk or Riker 
   (who is temporarily breveted to the rank of captain for this rule) 
   commit adultery (we honestly didn't see Picard doing this, but, a toast 
   when he does).  *(He does, with Vash.  Drink.)

31: I'M SORRY DAVE. . . :  Drink whenever a character receives a 
   negative response (NR) from one of the ship's devices, or whenever a 
   device that would produce a simple resolution of the plot is rendered 
   inoperable by forces beyond the crew's control (e.g. hyperionic 
   radiation).

32: MY OTHER UNIFORM IS IN THE WASH:  The Spandex in Space principle 
   applies in full force here.  Drink when a character appears in a 
   particularly hideous example of futuristic fashions including, but not 
   limited to, anything seen on (or off) of Troi (either), Picard's 24th 
   century Speedo and studmuffin shirt.  Chug to any Ferengi vacation garb.

33: IS THAT A PICKLE IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST SEEKING JAMAHARON?:  
   In spite of centuries of social development, people in Trek occasionally 
   need to express dissatisfaction with one another (see the Peter 
   Principle of Starfleet Rank).  This is expressed in the Trek universe in 
   two ways.

   33a: RIMMER, YOU ARE A SMEGHEAD:  Thanks to those wonderful people, 
	the censors, who make our lives full of joy and realism,
	characters are also pure of language.  No four letter words 
	here.  There are, of course, ways around this.  Drink whenever
	someone swears in an alien language, or uses a completely new
	swear word.

   33b: KIND OF COLD IN HERE, ISN'T IT?:  Even when the universal 
	translators are on the fritz, all sentient races possess the 
	unique ability to convey contempt with a single glance.  Drink.
	Drink twice if the species in question has no apparent visual 
	sensory apparatus.

34: WHAT'S THAT TUNE? KIND OF CATCHY, ISN'T IT?:  Occasionally, the Trek 
   theme music actually appears within a scene, not as incidental music, 
   but as music which the characters are able to hear.  Drink.

35: MODERN ANCIENT HISTORY:  Drink whenever a character refers to the 
   hopelessly backward practices or triumph-over-incredible-odds days of 
   the late twentieth century.  Also drink whenever a new starship appears 
   whose name blatantly refers to our modern era (U.S.S. Steven Hawking).

36: APOLOGETICA:  We're sorry.  Really.  Honest.  Drink whenever a 
   female starship captain or admiral appears.

37: KLINGON HEADBANGER'S BALL:  Whenever Klingons (or any other suitably 
   violent race bang their heads together, all present must grunt "Unh."  
   Drink.

38: BRUSH WITH GREATNESS:  As more and more people play an increasingly 
   greater role in the world of Trek, it will become increasingly likely 
   that players will recognize certain names in the closing credits as 
   friends or relatives.  Players drink whenever someone in the audience 
   spots one such.  Players drink twice if someone in the audience has the 
   same name as someone in the credits.  Players whose name appears chugs. 
   FIRST AND LAST NAME PLEASE -- no partial credit.


II: TECHNICAL

1: THEY DON'T BUILD SPACESHIPS LIKE THEY USED TO:  Drink to all 
   production flails, including (but not limited to): hands appearing in 
   shuttlecraft doors, human body parts visible in aliens, duct tape on the 
   set, reuse of old footage, slowed down footage (Cap'n we canna extend 
   the show for long enough!), invisible spacecraft (ony in Classic -- TNG 
   has enough budget to be able to avoid this if it wants to), erratic 
   Enterprise establishing shots (EEES), shifting stars while motionless, 
   symmetrical starfights, stars visible through planets and starships, bad 
   mattes, continuity flails (shot to shot -- character flails are 
   elsewhere).  Another day, another Phaser port.

2: STOCK MUSIC:  "Spock's Theme", "Cheesy Fight Theme", "Pursuit Theme", 
   "Lust Theme", "Insult Theme", hippy/Spock jam session in "Way to Eden" 
   (chug), muted-horn-nostalgia Trek theme.

3: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT:  Bad fades, bad cuts, freezes, spontaneous 
   rewinds, Worf WXXA plug.

4: AMY PRICE MEMORIAL RULE & OTHER ADS:  Any ad for the armed forces, 
   loser lines, NYNEX commercials (twice if someone gets a new one before 
   the end), Hefty/wimpy, DHL flying truck, Keystone, Joe Isuzu, Don't 
   Think-Just Drink, Energizer Bunny, any ad that features an appearance by 
   a well-known celebrity, any ad that prostitutes good music, any repeated 
   ad (add one drink for each appearance).  Double drink when a Trek cast 
   member is caught lowering him/herself to the pathetic limitations of a 
   commercial -- voiceovers, etc.  When actually appearing, if you aren't 
   gagging, chug.

   4a: WE DIDN'T START THE SERIES:  True participants in the spirit of 
	D.T. will immediatley attempt to join in any plugs for Trek seen
	while watching another program.  Although it is likely that 
	players will be caught without an appropriate beverage, it is 
	important that the players attempt to make a drinking motion
	and make complete fools of themselves just as though an actual
	episode of Trek was on.


III.  RACIAL SUBSECTION:

GENERAL:  Drink to any and all races (over and above these specific 
cases) who, when alone, and for no apparent reason, choose to speak 
English amongst themselves.  Also drink to pathetically bad latex on 
forehead.  If the special effects crew gets worked up enough to include 
non-humanoid races, drink til it hurts.  Suspiciously Convenient 
Anatomical Retoactive-continuity (SCAR). Sudden introduction of plot 
essential aliens (e.g. Binars).  Chug for reappearance of any such alien 
(Silicon Entity).  Chug if it's the Paklids. Just 'cause.

Klingons:  Any appearance of non-warrior types (secretaries, accountants, 
phone sanitizers -- whatever). Any "Klingons do not. . . " line.  Any 
sign of cowardice.

Romulans:  Romulan language? What Romulan language?  Drink to any 
blatant failure of Federation Intelligence regarding the Romulans.  
Drink to Cheesy Roman References.  Truly Ungodly Shoulder-pads (TUSH).

Vulcans:  Illogical rituals.  Convenient twisting of logic to their own 
ends.  Nerve pinch on never-before-encountered aliens, twice if said 
aliens appear to have no neck.

Cardassians:  Drink.

Ferengi:  Drink for Ferengi sex references.  Any "we keep our women 
decently naked" line.  Drink for chairs.  Acting far too stupid to have 
acheived space travel much less be the main villains of the 
series/episode.

Horta:  Chug for new appearance. . . anywhere.

Q:  Any reference to the Continuum; gratuitous appearance of another Q.

Borg:  Any "they're unstoppable" line.  Drink whenever a Borg begins a 
song and dance number.  Twice if it's any good.


IV: TREK CLASSIC SUBSECTION:

1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:

GENERAL:  Mispronounciation of a character's name.  Reference to a 
factor of 1 to any power.

Kirk:  Any angered sentence ending with "mister";  "Standard Orbit"; 
"You've earned your pay for the week";  "I want answers!";  "We come in 
peace";  "(Set) phasers on stun";  "Captain's Log. . ." (twice if it's 
"Supplemental");  "I love you";  "Warp factor 2, Mr. Sulu";  "Spocko".

Spock:  "Fascinating";  "(Il)logical";  any raised eyebrow;  "Jim";  
"It's life, but not as we know it";  sarcastic remarks (e.g. "Very good 
-- reason with him, Captain").

Bones:  "I'm a doctor, not a _____";  "He (She, It)'s dead, Jim!";  
snarling about the transporter;  any anti-Vulcan comment or particularly 
irritable crack;  slips back into his southern accent.

Scotty:  Flagrant Accent Flails (FAF);  "Tha's impossible Ca'n!";  any 
overload explosion prediction.

Chekov:  FAF;  inacurate Russian history claims;  grimaces while firing 
ship's weapons

Sulu:  Any countdown;  announcement of unusually high warp speeds.

Uhura:  "I'm frightened, Captain";  "Hailing frequencies open."

Computer:  "Work-ing";  "Affirm-ative";  "Negative."

2. SITUATIONAL DRINKS:

Kirk:  Hits a woman;  has his shirt damaged, torn, or removed;  uses 
Illogic 101 on a computer;  uses the two-handed fist;  mid-season 
spread;  defeats a way superior opponent in a fight;  seriously ungodly 
overacting;  stud duty (twice if he's seen pulling his boots on 
afterward).  Severe soft focus for beautiful ladies.

Spock:  Looks into his "peep-show machine" (nomeclature courtesy of 
David Vangerov);  mind melds;  nerve pinches;  Vulcan sex references;  
convenient knowledge no one else has;  builds computers from "stone 
knives and bearskins";  emotes;  plays his lyrette.

Bones:  Any time he's on the bridge doing nothing when crewmembers are 
injured;  uses his salt shakers;  tests someone on the footpedal device.

Scotty:  Does the impossible (Scotty has full PMRC immunity).  Hairdo of 
the Week.

Chekov:  Gets zapped, stung, hit, shot, burned or otherwise molested; 
screams.

Sulu:  Another day, another hobby.

Uhura:  Sings;  falls the wrong way during shipshake.

Riley:  Sings (chug, you'll need it).


V:  NEXT GENERATION SUBSECTION:

1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:

Picard:  "Make it so";  "Engage";  "Captain's log. . ." (twice if 
"Supplemental");  Shakespearian quotes (chug if they're mangled).

Riker:  Questions one of Picard's orders.  Uses a Picardism.

Data:  "Inquiry";  flagrantly uses a contraction;  Encyclopedia 
Datannica;  denies his humanity.

Troi:  "I feel/I sense. . . " *or whenever she states the blatantly 
obvious;  "He/She's telling the truth, or at least he/she thinks he/she 
is."

Worf:  Any "I just don't understand humans" line;  polite conversation;  
any angered line ending with an added "sir";  snarling as conversation;  
*"A Klingon (warrior) does (not). . . "

Wesley:  Says something naive;  any "Golly gee" type line.

Q:  "Microbrain";  "Ouch?";  *whenever he speaks french, bad or 
otherwise, e.g. "Mon capitan."

Lwaxana Troi:  "Little One";  "Mr. Woof";  announces marriage.

2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:

GENERAL:  Set-ups for Deep Space Nine.

Picard:  Looks silly or loses temper around children;  laughs;  *cries;  
is hung up on or hangs up communications;  has a book;  is obsessively 
neat *(or just plain obsessive);  slugs someone.  "The Picard 
Maneuver" -- tugging on shirt bottom as he sits/stands;  is a mind-slut 
[Oh Sarek, you big brain you. Mind-meld me.]  *Gets all nervous when 
confronted with sexual tension he can't deal with.  Two drinks if it's 
not Bev Crusher.

Riker:  Strokes beard;  Kirk-like behavior;  straddles a chair;  looks 
clueless;  *walks with head EXTREMELY forward;  end of scene "noble" 
closeup;  pretends to be a sensitive 90's kind of guy.  [drink twice if 
bearded members of the audience are caught trying to be sensitive 90's 
guys.]

Data:  Looks silly when he tries to be human;  another day, another art 
project;  gets interrupted or is told to shut up;  is described as 
something other than an android or is accused of being human;  *is 
thought of as a non-sentient machine.

Troi:  Betazed sex references;  actually does her job;  is respected by 
other crew members for no apparent reason.

Geordi:  Takes VISOR off or otherwise loses it;  sweats like hell; 
dates.

Tasha:  squints;  dies;  shows up again.

Worf:  Gets thumped by someone or something;  Klingon mating rituals;  
snarling as a high form of conversation;  Klingon cultural superiority;  
appears in something other than the "Little Lord Fauntleroy" hair.

Alexander:  Gets a new set of parents;  holodeck warrior training.

Bev Crusher:  Does something awesome;  worries about Wesley not having a 
"normal" childhood.  *Gets Picard all worked up (see Picard above).

Pulaski:  McCoyish behavior;  interrupts somebody;  uses transporter 
(oops!);  *insults Data.

Wesley:  Saves the Enterprise;  gets hit on by a fly babe;  dies or 
finally gets developed into a worthwhile character (well, we can hope, 
can't we?)  *(he's getting there, though!);  ridiculous plot twists to 
keep him in the series.

Q:  Changes outfits;  faces someone or gets faced;  flagrantly awesome 
use of power.

Commander Tomalak:  Shows his "Oh dear, where did that come from?" face.

Lwaxana Troi:  Refuses to speak/communicate aloud;  *hits on Picard.

Gowron:  Uses his Roger Rabbit eyes;  mysteriously becomes a much better 
tactician and leader in the middle of an episode.

*Barclay:  Stutters.

*Any time O'Brien is on.


VI:  MOTION PICTURE SUBSECTION:

GENERAL:  One-Liner Applause Scenes (OAS);  Revived character cliches.

Kirk:  Gets demythologized;  double drink if he defeats a way superior 
opponent in combat -- he is getting on, folks;  Leers at Considerably 
Younger Squaws (LACYS);  velcro comes indone;  loses a ship;  someone 
demands his execution.

Spock:  Falls catatonic;  swears;  dies.

Bones:  Shows a fine sense of historical irony;  Vulcanizes.

Scotty:  Gets fat;  sabotages a Federation ship;  talks to a mouse.

Chekov:  See Trek Classic.

Sulu:  Flies something he could never have possibly flown before, gets a 
command.

Uhura:  Gets fat (but not as fat as Scotty).

Decker:  Becomes eligible for General Order 15;  looks longingly at 
Ilia.

David:  Dies:

Ilia:  Sexually overpowers someone with her seductively bald head;  
reminds people of her vow;  metallic speech.

Saavik:  Suddenly becomes a much flatter, duller character between 
movies;  dies or gets re-replaced by Kirstie Alley  (still hoping...)

Kruge:  Just try to find an excuse not to drink when Christopher Lloyd 
is onscreen!

Maltz:  Just because he's John Larroquette.

Stiles:  Does something prissy.


NOTES:

1:	For those unfamiliar with this obscure yet superior beverage,
	it consists of Dr. Pepper and rum mixed in a comfortable ratio.