From: jfy@cis.ksu.edu (Joseph F. Young)
Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek
Subject: Emily Netrek
Followup-To: rec.games.netrek
Date: 12 Apr 1992 04:24:06 GMT
Organization: Kansas State University, Dept. of Computing and Information Sciences
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu
Summary: Netrek humor

[Here's some humor from some of KSU's earlier days of netrek.
 Enjoy!!!!!!!]
=============================================================================
From: mpc@phobos.cis.ksu.edu (Michael P. Campbell)
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 90 12:55:40 CDT

                            "Dear Emily Netrek"


	     Emily Netrek, foremost authority on netrek gives her
             advice on how to play.

============================================================================

Dear Miss Netrek: How long should I hang around a planet and pick
                  off people as they enter the game? - vulture@earth.com

A: Dear Vulture: As long as you like, of course.  The longer you can
hang around the planet the better.  In fact, usually you can get two
or more players with one shot if multiple people enter at the same time.
It is advisable not to be in the same room as the player(s) however,
as they will most likely come over to you, and hit you in the nose.

				------

Dear Emily: Today in the first time I played netrek, but I made the
rank of captain.  What should I do?  - novice@netrek.uucp

A: Dear Novice: Well, the first thing you should do, is send all 
the players a message (assuming they have the message window open) 
telling them that you have been playing for half an hour, and have already 
made the rank of captain.  Tell them that they must really stink at the 
game and you will take them all on at once.  Call them pigge dogs, just 
to egg them on.  This will infuriate them, and they will descend on you, 
thus giving you a chance to show off your skill.

If they do not have their message window open (as evidenced by the fact
that they did not threaten you with physical violence) then go to the
nearest phone and call them up, telling them of your new-found rank,
and how you could kill their starbases with a scout ship -- blindfolded.
This will surely make them tremble, and they will leave you alone for the
rest of the game. 

Make sure you send everybody a message, notifying them of any update
in ranking, so that all the players will stay well informed 
(and well armed).  Also be wary of any occult alliances.  Not that you
have anything to worry about, since your motto is "I'm invincible".  You 
like this motto so much, in fact, that you send it to all the message 
windows periodically.

				------

Dear Emily: I couldn't even hit one plasma torp today.  Every time
one was fired at me it blew me up.  What should I do? 
                                             --  Silly_Zod@somewhere

A: No problem, whenever a person from the opposite team comes at you, 
with guns blared (so to speak), just lower your shield and hover
around them.  They will think think you are on their team and leave you 
alone.  Then when they have blasted the heck out of somebody else, and have 
no fuel, and can not shoot, blast them with everything you have.  
The beauty of this tactic is that it can be used over and over.  If 
they were stupid enough to fall for it once, they will fall for it again
and again.

This tactic, however, doesn't work on your own teammates.  They will think
you merely stink at the game, and start blasting you.  When the torps
go right past you, they will think you are invincible, and start to run 
away.  They will run right into the torps of a (real) enemy ship, and get 
you both killed.

				------

Dear Emily:  What are some basic strategies I should use when playing 
the game.  - anonymous

A: Well, here is a list of some things that should help you to stay 
in the game long enough to make commander (about five minutes)

  1. ALWAYS drive the biggest ship you can get.  They are slow, but they
     can take more punishment when you enter the game, and people are
     hovering around your planets.   
  2. ALWAYS attack bigger ships.  They will wonder what the heck you are
     doing, and will be laughing so hard that his will give you just the 
     right amount time to blast them a couple of times.
  3. ALWAYS drive with your shields down.  Again, people will wonder what
     you are doing.  It is best if you are not moving, as they will think
     you are elsewhere, doing something of REAL importance.  Eventually
     they will go away, and you can taunt them a second time.  
  4. ALWAYS get caught in the middle (of your own teammates).  They will
     take all the torps and plasmas, and you will be unscathed.  By the
     time all your teammates are dead, everyone in your vicinity will be 
     out of fuel, and uncapable of defending themselves.  Then you can 
     blast them at will. 
  5. When all else fails, send everyone a poprun message.  This should 
     bring everything to an immediate halt. 

				------

Q: Somebody just sent a message that they are declaring peace with me.
   What should I do?

A: This is a great tactic.  Make peace with them at once, then when they 
   get close enough, redeclare war, and kill them.  Then send them your 
   favourite Monty Python insult. 

				------

Dear Ms. Netrek:  It seems everytime I get in a fire-fight, I get blasted
by a better player.  What can I do to prevent this?  - loser@pyro.pugilism

Dear Loser:  By all means, quit the game and rejoin on the same team as 
the person that continuously kills you.  It is a rude thing for him/her to
do in the first place, and it will probably make your teammate happy, as
he/she has no teammate now, and will not have to continuously bail
you out of sticky situations.

This has the advantage of guaranteeing that you will always stink at 
netrek and is yet another reason why your teammate(s) will thank you 
for defecting.

If they quit, and join as another team, it is your duty to defect to the
same team.  Eventually, the will catch on and quit altogether.  You may
consider this a victory.

				------

Dear Ms. Netrek: I accidentally started a robot, now everybody hates me.
Can you help me?                                     - desperate 

Dear Desperate: No.

				------

DEAR EM: CAN I CALL YOU EM?  I LIKE EM.  IT"S LIKE BEING NAMED AFTER
A LETTER OF THE ALFABET.  I THINK I"LL CALL YOU EM.  ANYWAY I LEERNED
TO DO SOME SPESHUL TRIKS WITH THE X TERMINULS.  THEY"RE NEET.  I CAN
MAKE THINGS APEER ON OTHUR PEEPLE"S SCREEN.  CAN YOU DO THAT?  I"LL 
BET YUR JEALOUS.  I LEARNED ANOTHER TRICK TOO, (I ONLY KNOW TWO TRICKS)
BUT I WANTED TO KNOW IF I SHOULD DO THIS TOO PEEPLE WHEN THEY"RE PLAYING
NETREK.        
                    - THEY KALL ME THE SCARECROW.  KOOL NAME HUH?
                      DON"T YOU WISH YOU HAD A KOOL NAME LIKE THAT?
                      YUR PROBLY JEALOUS.  I DON"T KNOW WHY THEY 
                      KALL ME THAT.  DO YOU KNOW?  MAYBE IF YOU
                      TELL ME I"LL SHOW YOU ONE OF MY TRIKS.  HA!
                      JUST KIDDING.  THEY"RE MY SECRETS.  

Scarecrow:  People do not get enough of this trick.  Do it to them
as often as you can.  They will marvel at your skill, and think you
to be a Computer Guru.  You will impress them to no end.  They will want
to be your buddy, forever and ever.  They might give you a job as the
Systems Trickster.  You could perform this trick 8 hours a day.  If you
work overtime, you can REALLY impress them with your other trick.  


-- 
Michael Campbell
CIS/Kansas State/U of Kansas  Netrek Research Centre
Dept. of Computer Sciences, Kansas State University.  Manhattan KS 66502
Internet:  mpc@phobos.cis.ksu.edu  UUCP: mpc@oedpc.UUCP

=============================================================================
[Mike Campbell is no longer here, so he can't receive any comments
about this]
-- 
Joseph Young, Systems Programmer
KSU Department of Computing and Information Sciences
Manhattan, Kansas 66506  FAX: (913) 532-7353  Phone: (913) 532-6350   
Inet: jfy@cis.ksu.edu  UUCP: rutgers!depot!jfy SigQuote: "AIX is not UNIX"- me
Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek