From: andrewb@suite.sw.oz.au (Andrew Bettison)
Subject: Re: [Pet Peeves] What irritates you or your partner?
Organization: Softway Pty Ltd
Date: 30 Sep 92 06:11:19 GMT

In <1992Sep29.145124.19856@gdr.bath.ac.uk> ccsmh@gdr.bath.ac.uk (Mark Harding) writes:

> I have recenetly moved in with my girlfriend and have started to discover
> that she, to me at least, seems annoyed at things I think are trivial.

> 1. The toilet seat must always be closed after use.
> 2. Toast must always be eaten of the biggest plate to avoid crumbs.
> 3. When sat on the bed, the quilt cover must first be moved aside.
> 4. She follows me around whenever I use the bathroom and *tidies* up before
>    I've even finished.

>    Aaaagghhh!

This subject is not as flippant as it may seem - these little peeves
can destroy a relationship, given time.

From what Mark writes ("aaagghhh!"), it sounds like he has a big
peeve with his girlfriend; namely, that he finds her obsessed with
tidiness at home.  As well as the things Mark lists, she is probably
peeved by what she may consider his "slovenly condict", or perhaps
disregard for her devoted housekeeping.  I'm sure there are plenty
of other things they could both list given the opportunity.  No
two people are ever perfectly compatible when their personal spaces
overlap.

Mark and his girlfriend face a choice.  They can either

  (1)   Bottle up their little annoyances with each other until
	considerable anger has developed.  Eventually the obstacle
	of unexpressed ill-feeling will make it difficult, if not
	impossible, for them to communicate openly with each other,
	and the relationship will become tense and unfulfilling.
	The longer this situation persists, the more damage each
	will suffer when the relationship ends.  I say _when_, not
	_if_, because unexpressed emotion will always find a way
	out, one way or another, and few relationships can survive
	the strain imposed by years of repressed anger.

  (2)   Talk about the problem now.  Depending on the amount of
	respect each has for him/herself and the other, the listening
	skills each brings to bear, and the honesty each is able
	to muster, the result may or may not be positive.  If it
	is positive, then they could forge an agreement to (a) try
	to be aware when behaving in a way the other gets peeved
	at, (b) restrain such behaviour when possible, (c) gently
	tell the other when he/she stimulates one of your peeves,
	instead of getting annoyed or discouraged.

Option (2) requires each to trust that the other will not pull the
plug on the relationship if the going gets tough.  In other words,
it can not work if either fears separation as a possible retaliation
for bringing up the unpleasant subject of peeves or expressing
anger, even well-expressed, non-violent anger, toward the other.

As an aside, it strikes me that this is one of the things marriage
is about.  Taking public vows to stick together through thick and
thin provides a safety net, as it were.  One's spouse may argue,
insult, or even threaten during an argument, but won't leave.  This
is the first step towards establishing a "fair fight" arrangement,
which I think is essential of two people are to get along in such
intimate emotional proximity.

> Do men and women find different things [peeves] trivial/important?
> Is there a common thread between all these?

These may be interesting questions, but I feel that Mark is missing
the point.  He seems to be approaching the problem by intellectually
analyzing the problem (going on a "head trip" in couselling lingo)
but he isn't really dealing with it, because the problem is between
him and his girlfriend, and it will only be solved if they work on
it _together_.

Mark, please forgive me if I've shown too much impropriety by
presuming to turn your questions into a public psychoanalysis
session.  I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just using an
opportunity to get people thinking about these kinds of things.
I think interpersonal communication should be an important topic
in any forum dealing with men's issues (I followed up from soc.men)
because it is an area in which men tend to be very weak.

--
Andrew Bettison - Softway Pty Ltd

Phone	+61-2-698-2322	  Internet	andrewb@softway.sw.oz.au 
Fax	+61-2-699-9174	  UUCP		uunet!softway.sw.oz.au!andrewb
Newsgroups: soc.men,talk.politics.misc,alt.politics.correct,bit.listserv.politics