From: mcmahon@nd.edu (Sheila M. McMahon)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps
Subject: ATWT: TAN: Patterns - Thin Walls
Date: 15 Oct 92 23:38:39 GMT
Organization: OUC, University of Notre Dame

Ladies and gentlemen, please stay tuned for another episode of Patterns that
was PREVIOUSLY RECORDED. And now, here's your host, WOAKim Hughes.

WOAKim: Thank you Don Pardo, and welcome everyone to another thrilling 
   episode of Patterns. Golly, I just can't believe the quality of our show
   today. As we stated last week, the topic for this week is "WHY ARE THE
   WALLS SO PAPER THIN IN YUCKDALE?". But before we get to that, we have a
   special treat for you. We're introducing a new segment here on patterns.
   We had two successful shows where we introduced WEENIES, so our Marketing
   Expert in the field, RiBabe, we have a WEENIE OF THE WEEK interview.
   We decided to go one step further and have a WEENIE OF THE WEEK AWARD
   presented every week. You the home viewer can participate by sending your
   nominations to our Program Director, Irish, at the following address:

          mcmahon.3@nd.edu

   I am so proud to announce that this week, the WEENIE OF THE WEEK AWARD 
   goes to my daughter, Frantic. However, Frantic is out of town this week,
   so accepting on her behalf is Dr. Lynn Michaels. Welcome Lynn.

Lynn: Thank you WOAKim. The reason Frantic couldn't be here today is the 
   very reason why she is WEENIE OF THE WEEK. She allowed her WEENIE husband
   to talk her into accompanying him to Des Moines, and meeting with Dr.
   Adler, the same psychiatrist that his ex-wife Chairolegs went to see
   when she was having doubts about QueerHair. Not only that, but she 
   continues to refuse calls from her sister Bab's, who is Frantic's only 
   link to SuperDick. And worst of all, I think she's actually considering
   allowing herself to be committed to Dr. Adler's Home for Paranoid Weenies.

WOAKim: Golly Lynn, what do you suggest?

Lynn: Well, I would suggest a lobotomy, but I'm not at all sure Frantic has
   a brain to begin with!

WOAKim: Well, thank you Lynn. And now, on with the rest of the show. Our 
   first guest is known to many oldtimers her in YUCKdale. She is the 
   granddaughter to Ellen Stewart, and my stepdaughter. She used to work here
   in YUCKdale at Miller Brothers Construction, but was transferred to 
   Wisconsin. Welcome, Betsy Andropolous.

Betsy: Thanks, WOAKim. It's great to be here.

WOAKim: Betsy, in your professional opinion, why are the walls so thin in
   YUCKdale.

Betsy: It's actually a rather sinister plot planned by the YUCKdale division
   of Miller Brothers. They build these walls thin on purpose so that they 
   can listen to people's conversations, hear their secrets, and blackmail
   them.  When I uncovered this plot, the head honchos at Miller Brothers
   offered me a promotion and a transfer so I took it.

WOAKim: Why didn't you go to the police?

Betsy: Miller Brothers would have fired me, and no one else would hire me
   if they couldn't trust me with their secrets. Besides, the YUCKdale
   police would never be able to solve this case. They can't solve anything.

WOAKim: Are all the walls in YUCKdale thin?

Betsy: Well, it's curious, but if you are standing in the Snyder kitchen, 
   you can't hear what is being said out on the porch, even with the window
   open and the two people screaming at each other.

WOAKim: Golly, I guess that's the place to be if you want to keep a secret.
   Our next guest is a stranger to no one. Her life is about to be ruined
   because of these thin walls. Welcome Juicy Walsh. Tell us your story.

Juicy: Thanks WOAKim. Because of the thin walls in YUCKdale, my son-in-law,
   Hold'em, overheard me arguing with JonnyDvorce and Ivagottasecret about
   the fact that Error is Hold'em and JoolSLUT's bambino. After he heard
   that, he ran away to New York to confront the SLUT. Afterwards, he was
   mugged, hit by a car, and ended up in a New York hospital with no brain
   and a condom on his head. My detectives found him and I went to see him.
   But I didn't tell my daughter Chilly, because I was trying to protect her.
   I led everyone to believe that he hopped a freighter to Taiwan. But when
   the truth comes out (and it always does), Chilly may never forgive me
   and it's all because of these damn thin walls.

WOAKim: Oh golly, that's just awful. Our next guest overheard a conversation
  and didn't know what to do. Please welcome Rosehand.

Rosehand: Thanks WOAKim. I overheard Juicy saying to Ivagottasecret that
   Hold'em has a ba...


***************************SPECIAL REPORT*********************************
Station Manager, Jeff Talbot: We interrupt this program for a special report.
   It was just reported that there was a fistfight at the Mustang Pond. At
   the pond, covering the story for WOAK is WOAKim Hughes.... WOAKim...

WOAKim: About twenty minutes ago, neighbors phoned the police with a report
   of a disturbance at the Mustang Pond. Apparantly, Enema and Ivagottasecret
   got into the biggest fistfight this town has ever seen. Hold'em and Klip's
   previous fights pale in comparison. We were told that Enema had just been
   informed that her grandson Error, is really Hold'em and JoolSLUT's bastard
   baby. As soon as Enema found this out, she belted Ivagottaprettygoodleft
   hookmyself right in the kisser. Ivagottasecret decided to fight back 
   because, and I quote "I'm sick to death of Mama's holier than thou 
   attitude. The old broad's having an affair with a married man and a 
   butthead to boot". Then Enema replied that she was sick of 
   Ivagottaprotectchillyatallcosts always putting "that brat of her's"
   before the good of the family. Chilly was unavailble for comment, but
   friends say she was sitting at home wondering when Hold'em was going to
   "find his way back to me". However, friends also say she's at a breaking
   point and is about ready to "put the past behind her and get on with her
   life". Back to you Jeff...

Jeff: Thank's WOAKim. We'll keep you posted on further developments. We now
   return you to our regularly scheduled, PREVIOUSLY RECORDED program, 
   already in progress.
****************************SPECIAL REPORT********************************

WOAKim: ...-at's about all the time we have for today. Be sure to tune in
   next week when our topic will be, "WHEN WILL THE YUCKDALE POLICE GET A
   CLUE?" Goodbye everyone.


Irish