From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  6.J
Date: 29 Sep 92 05:50:27 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





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"                            ." -- Harpo Marx
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes, nothing is safe while 
     the legislature is in session.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Californians are not without their faults.
Down with ignurance!
He who knows others is wise.  He who knows himself is enlightened.

Hello?  Jim Rockford's machine?  This is Larry Dooheany's machine.  
    Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience?  
    Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
Hello?  You the party that lost a wallet in the Park Theater?  
     Well, I'll be returning the money, but I'm kinda into leather, 
     so I'm gonna keep the wallet.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged.
If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
If you treat people right, they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time.

Information is the inverse of entropy.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
It is smart to pick your friends--but not to pieces.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

Knowledge without common sense is folly.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired--or rested.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!"
Nihilism doesn't exist.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing endures but change.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.

P-K4.
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none.
Practice yourself what you preach.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.

Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not illumination.

Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government.
The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had
	been obliged to first learn Latin.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.

The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
The time is right to make new friends.
The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang.
The world isn't worse.  Its just that the news coverage is so much better.
There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote.

There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
To do nothing is to be nothing.
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
True happiness will be found only in true love.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

UFOs are real.  The Air Force doesn't exist.
Under every stone lurks a politician.
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
We may be alone.  We may not be alone.  Either way, the thought is staggering.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

Well begun is half done.
When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.
While there's life, there's hope.
Why are there no blue M&Ms?
Why do we study poverty instead of wealth?

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wit has truth in it.  Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike.

You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You should hardly ever equivocate.
You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue.

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If you save one life, it is as if you saved the world.

Its a good idea not to live your life just to please others.  You don't
	please yourself and you end up not pleasing anyone else.
	But if you please yourself, maybe you'll please
	someone else--Groucho Marx
	
Man does not control his own fate.  The women in his life do that
	for him--Groucho Marx

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that
	alps themselves--Groucho Marx

The clergy, by getting themselves established by law and ingrafted into
	the machinery of government, have been a very formidable engine
	against the civil and religious rights of man--Thomas Jefferson

We have no right to prejudice another in his civil enjoyments because
	he is not of another church.  If any man errs from the right way,
	it is his own misfortune, no injury to thee; nor therefore art
	thou to punish him in the things of this life because thou
	supposeth he will be miserable in that which is to come--
	on the contrary, according to the spirit of the gospel, charity,
	bounty, liberality is due to him--Thomas Jefferson

There's only one answer to an audience.  If they don't laugh, take it
	out and try another one.  If it gets a laugh, leave it in.
	If you keep talking long enough, you say something funny--Groucho Marx

One day a mule inspired us to horse around.  We started insulting
	the audience and they laughed--Groucho Marx

If you have a lot of lucky breaks, it isn't just an accident--Groucho Marx

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of 
        under observation--Walter Winchell

Television is a medium--so called because it is neither rare nor
	well done--Ernie Kovacs

You can bet that a waitress in a Texas diner is tired of hearing
	the line, "Remember the a la mode."

A still tongue makes a happy life--The Prisoner

The best way to win an argument is to be right.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
	there--Will Rogers

Perhaps we cannot prevent this world from being a world in which children
	are tortured.  But we can reduce the number of
	tortured children--Albert Camus

You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him,
	you are doing well enough--Edgar Watson Howe

Tell me whom you love and I will tell you what you are--Arsene Houssaye

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love
	their mother--Reverend Theodore Hesburgh

No man ever said on his deathbed, "I wish I had spent more time on
	my business"--Senator Paul Tsongas

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated
	the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
	the truth--Sherlock Holmes

As scarce as the truth is, the supply is always greater than
	the demand--Josh Billings

Keep doing good deeds long enough, and you'll probably turn out a good man.
	In spite of yourself--Louis Auchincloss

We judge ourselves by our motives and others by their actions--Dwight Morrow

It is tempting to deny the existence of evil, since denying it obviates
	the need to fight it--Alexis Carrel

It would be nice if sometimes the kind things I say were considered
	worthy of quotation.  It isn't difficult, you know, to be witty
	or amusing when one has something to say that is destructive,
	but damned hard to be clever and quotable when you are singing
	someone's praises--Noel Coward

If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be
	without it?--Benjamin Franklin

Prayer does not change G-d, but it changes him who prays--Soren Kierkegaard

To test the worth of a man's religion, do business
	with him--John Lancaster Spalding

G-d did not build Auschwitz and its crematoria.  Men did....The Holocaust
	may make faith in G-d difficult, but it makes faith in
	man impossible--Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin

Nature is neutral.  Man has wrested from nature the power to make
	the world a desert or to make the deserts bloom.  There is
	no evil in the atom; only in men's souls--Adlai Stevenson

Life is like a game of cards.  The hand that is dealt you represents
	determinism; the way you play it is free will--Jawaharlal Nehru

A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it,
	is committing a second mistake--Confucius

We do not err because truth is difficult to see.  It is visible at
	a glance.  We err because it is more comfortable--Alexander Solzhenitsyn

If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be
	happier than other people, which is almost always difficult,
	since we think them happier than they are--Montesquieu

We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than
	to consume wealth without producing it--George Bernard Shaw

Ours seems to be the only nation on earth that asks its teenagers what
	to do about world affairs, and tells its golden-agers to go out
	and play--Julian Grow

The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old
	to learn--Henry Haskins

If I had any epitaph...it would be to say that I disturbed the sleep of
	my generation--Adlai Stevenson

Suicide is not abominable because G-d forbids it.  G-d forbids it
	because it is abominable--Immanuel Kant

There are many people who dare not kill themselves for fear of what
	the neighbors would say--Cyril Connolly

Who is rich?  One who is happy with what he has--Talmud

Many men hoard for the future husbands of their wives--Solomon Ibn Gabirol

Told that a certain man had acquired great wealth, a sage asked,
	"Has he also acquired the days in which
	to spend it?"--Solomon Ibn Gabirol

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
	and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that
	it values more, it will lose that, too--W Somerset Maugham

Democracy [has] at least one merit, namely that a Member of Parliament
	cannot be stupider than his constituents, for the more stupid
	he is, the more stupid they were to elect him--Bertrand Russell

Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's
	inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary--Reinhold Niebuhr

Democracy gives every man the right to be his
	own oppressor--James Russell Lowell

There is an increased demand for codes of ethics in politics, although
	most officeholders are sworn in with their hand resting
	on one--Bill Vaughn

The tragedy of politics: "If you live with pirates, you must behave like
	a pirate" (Bismark); but if you behave like a pirate, you end
	by becoming one yourself--Charles Issawi

I would rather fail in a cause that someday will triumph than win in
	a cause that I know someday will fail--Woodrow Wilson

The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without
	proving that you are unworthy of winning--Adlai Stevenson

There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is
	no party of principle--Alexis de Tocqueville

A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but
	to know what is right--Lyndon B Johnson

When I was a boy, I was told that anyone could become President;
	now I'm beginning to believe it--Clarence Darrow

I would rather be governed by the first 300 names in the Boston
	telephone book than by the faculty of
	Harvard University--William F Buckley, Jr

In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons--Herodotus

Can anything be more ridiculous than that a man has a right to kill me
	because he lives on the other side of the water, and because
	his ruler has a quarrel with mine, although I have none
	with him?--Blaise Pascal

The one thing I cannot forgive the Arabs for is that they forced
	our sons to kill their sons--Golda Meir

I have given instructions that I am to be informed every time one of
	our soldiers is killed, even if it is the middle of the night.
	When President Nasser leaves instructions that he be awakened
	in the middle of the night if an Egyptian soldier is killed,
	there will be peace--Golda Meir

Heretofore, all moral codes held that at times life must be sacrificed
	for the sake of morality.  Pacifism holds the direct opposite:
	morality must be sacrificed for the sake of life--Dennis Prager

Pacifism means biology takes precedence over morality: long lives are
	more valuable than good lives--Dennis Prager

It is not true that we have only one life to live; if we read, we can
	live as many more lives and as many kinds as
	we wish--Senator S I Hayakawa

When you reread a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did
	before; you see more in you than there was before--Clifton Fadiman

If you want to know the character of a person you are meeting socially,
	it is more important to see how they act towards the waiter,
	whom they are not obliged to impress, than how they act
	towards you--Dennis Prager

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst
	in people--David Sarnoff

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.  No machine can do
	the work of one extraordinary man--Elbert Hubbard

A man who says that no patriot should attack the war until it is over is
	not worth answering intelligently; he is saying that no good son
	should warn his mother off a cliff until she has fallen
	over it--G K Chesterton

A dog run over by a car upsets our emotional balance....Three million
	Jews killed in Poland causes but a moderate uneasiness.
	Statistics don't bleed; it is the detail which counts--Arthur Koestler

Fear not to negotiate, but never negotiate out of fear--John F Kennedy

America is the only country where a letter informing you that you may
	have just won a million dollars could be considered junk mail.

Most politicians don't listen to their conscience, because, after all,
	who wants to take advice from a total stranger?

Determinism is the hand you are dealt; free will is what you do with
	that hand--quoted by Dennis Prager

When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry,
	a hundred--Thomas Jefferson

He was a man who could be gentle without being weak and strong without
	being tough.  That's extremely rare--William Wyler of Gary Cooper

In short, and this is all wording up in a terrible admission for which
	I'll get a ton of coal dumped on my head--I just don't like
	motion pictures....I play in films for one thing only,
	money--Laurence Olivier

He puts on film only the things he loves and has few pretentions about
	making great films or great art.  Consequently, he comes closer
	than most--Francis Ford Coppola of George Lucas

When I started out, I didn't have any desire to be an actress or learn
	how to act.  I just wanted to be famous--Katherine Hepburn

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in
	your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home--David Frost

When one door closes, another opens; but often we look so long at
	the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened
	for us--Helen Keller

Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want
	us to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis
	racquets in the rain, we were punished---Nancy Ellis,
	George Bush's sister

Its been proven through history that women's a mystery
	says Popeye the Sailor man.

It seemed to him that in addition to being beautiful, she brought out
	all that was best in him of intellect and soul.  That is to say,
	she let him talk oftener and longer than any girl he had
	ever known--P G Wodehouse

The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with
	more expected--The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972

Why is it, everytime I see Dan Quayle, I feel like buying a vowel--Emo Phillips

Children today are tyrants.  They contradict their parents, gobble
	their food, and tyrannize their teachers--Socrates

Society is a place where people live together; the lone wolf belongs in
	the wilderness--Number Two, the Prisoner

Buy land.  They've stopped making it--Mark Twain

Religion isn't knowing the answers; it's knowing there are answers.

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously
	never children--Calvin and Hobbes

Honesty is the best policy--there's less competition.

It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes
	of statistics.

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