From: sms@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (steven.m.stein)
Subject: Re: Better Off Out of a Relationship than
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 16:53:50 GMT

In article <1993Jan21.055627.24136@sol.UVic.CA> atovorni@engr.UVic.CA writes:
>In article 27561@cbfsb.cb.att.com, sms@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (steven.m.stein) writes:
>
>[excellent description of a bad relationship deleted]
>
>>Being in a bad relationship is sometimes more lonely than not being
>>in one at all.
>
>Agreed. Bad relationships have a way of making you feel sorry for your SO
>in such a way that you just don't have the heart to break up when things
>don't at first work out. Most probably, you kept saying to yourself that
>things would get better until the morning when you woke up and realized 
>that the whole thing can't work.

I didn't really feel sorry for the mother.  She pretty much created the
situation for herself.  It's her choice not to work.  She had opportunities
but flatly turned them down.  I feel sorry for the kids. I don't feel they
have a good or competent role model.  You're right about me hoping things
would get better.  I thought if I could develop enough motivation to
deal with the mother and help her with what I considered to be her
problems, I would benefit from the relationship I had with the children.
As you said, I realized this wasn't possible.

>The positive thing that came out of it is that being there for her children
>likely made you feel good and caring. These emotions are probably what
>allowed the relationship to last as long as it did.

Exactly!

>no kids involved. I felt sorry for my SO, and necessity dictated that I leave
>town for economic reasons. 
>
>I was looking forward to being with her again during those three long months. 
>Upon my return from the job contract, I found that I couldn't stand the
>woman at all. Being away gave me a clearer perspective, especially since
>things were going sour before I left.


Interesting.  When I was on travel (and I've been doing a lot of that
lately), I would be more willing to tolerate her......but it wouldn't
last very long.


>If not for the childern, you would have extricated yourself from the
>situation sooner. Take comfort in the fact that the children are better
>off now than before the whole thing from having known you.

Exactly.  Good point.  Thanks for reminding me of that fact.

>There is another problem: Your ex-SO's habits tend to indicate that she's
>quite depressed, probably from being out of work for so long. I don't know
>if she was like that when you first got together, or if it was the relation-
>ship itself that was getting her down. 

I agree with you again.  She is depressed and depressing.
Not working is contributing to her depression but not the cause.
The source of her problems began many years ago.  But I'm tired of being
my SO therapist.  

>Whatever, I suppose you just were no good for each other.

She claims she is in love with me, and more so than any she
has ever known.  Probably because I am the only one who has shown her
as much patience and understanding as I have.  But I wasn't benefiting
from the relationship at all, except for the affection and love from
the children.  So, I decided it was time to move on.  

			Steve
>dreas
>
>