HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 3:20:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Kodak Moment      
From: SBROWN@kentvm.kent.edu ( Steven R Brown)
Keywords: topical, funny, sexual

Q:  What do Kodak film, Arm and Hammer baking soda, and Woody Allen all
    have in common?

A:  They all come in little yellow boxes.
--
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 12:20:09 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Arsenio & George Bush
From: kisaacso@nyx.cs.du.edu (Kevin Isaacson)
Keywords: topical, smirk

 
Marlon Fitzwater recently likened the Arsenio Hall show to the Gong Show.  In
response, Arsenio said he could think of a few shows to associate with the
current administration.  For George Bush: "To Tell the Truth", for 
Dan Quayle:  "Get Smart", and for Marlon Fitzwater: "Get A Life."  
 
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 92 3:20:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Lost George
From: pacdata!jimh@ucsd.edu (Jim Harkins)
Keywords: topical, maybe


Written by Mike Holmes <ucsd!castle.edinburgh.ac.uk!fofp>

Sung to the tune Lost Johnny, by Hawkwind.

Lost George
===========

You only get a single chance
The rules are very plain
The truth is well concealed to ensure
Others get the blame
And you know what really gets them
Cheering from afar
Is tired old jokes and homilies
>From a faded movie star

And up there in the White House
They're trying to make us scream
By stealing from the carcass
of the old American Dream

Could you find some cocaine
Just across the street?
Lost George is in here
playing Trick Or Treat

The time has come for you to choose
You'd better get it right
Republicans with bright white teeth
Are getting real uptight
They speak of Family Values
And Jesus Christ their Lord
And worry about communists
In Uncle Sam's back yard

And in the inner cities
The sound of shots still rings
While the governor of the state
Is cutting the purse strings

Run and fetch a senator
For God's sake make it brief
The folks who own the S&L's
Are craving tax-relief

Now Bill he looks so genial
And you know he really tries
But every time he gets his say
It's obviously lies
About Jennifer and MaryJane
And how he didn't inhale
And how he went to England 
Instead of Vietnam or Jail

And here inside the voting booth
If the choice is what it looks
You might as well have just stayed home
Than voted in more crooks

Run and fetch your credit card
You'd better make it fast
The whole damn nation's deep in debt
So spend while it still lasts 




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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 92 12:20:06 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: noname@crash.cts.com
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED
Keywords: maybe

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: unknown@pro-applepi.cts.com (Generic Account)
Subject: Barbie/Quayle in 92?
Organization: Crash TimeSharing, El Cajon, CA
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1992 03:17:23 GMT

(Original)
 
 
The "Entertainment Tonight" television show reports that a new "Barbie for
President" Barbie doll has just been released.
 
Now, I'm a Clinton supporter, but that Barbie doll looks a little too much
like Hillary for my peace of mind!
 
 
   -- Brad Slobins

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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ingram@u.washington.edu (Doug Ingram)
Subject: Math majors and football
Keywords: chuckle

Heard this during a Seattle Mariners broadcast:

Dave Niehaus:  Texas Ranger catcher John Russell...he's got a degree in 
               Mathematics from the University of Oklahoma.

Kevin Cremins:  That means he can figure out average yards per carry.

---
Doug Ingram -- ingram@u.washington.edu


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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Eric Huppertz)
Subject: Insurance risks for fraternities
Keywords: true, smirk

Seen in the Daily Vidette, Illinois State University's student
newspaper, in the "Tidbit" box:

In a survey of Florida insurance commissioners in the mid 1980's, the
commisioners ranked fraternities as the sixth worst insurance risk in
the country.  The fifth was nuclear waste.

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Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 19:30:02 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: tak@cal-iris.jpl.nasa.gov (Tom Kreitzberg)
Subject: Another use for pocketknives
Keywords: sexual, chuckle

An old one heard from comedienne Brett Butler:

A man repeatedly asks out a beautiful young woman he works with. She
says no at first, but finally agrees. "You can pick me up at eight on
Friday," she says, "but you have to bring me a pocketknife."

"Well, okay," he says, puzzled.

Friday night comes, and he arrives at her house with a pocketkife. She
thanks him, opens a drawer in a desk which is already full of pocketknives,
and drops the new one in.

At the restaurant, the man's curiosity finally gets the better of him.
"I'm sorry, but I have to know. What's the story on these pocketknives?"

She smiles at him and answers, "I know that you men ask me out just
because I'm pretty. I know that in twenty years my looks will be gone and 
men won't be interested in me anymore. But I also know that there's
nothing a fifteen year old boy won't do for a pocketknife."



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From: sabo@girtab.usc.edu (Jim Sabo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Ross Perot's Campaign Slogan
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual, original
Date: 5 Oct 92 07:20:03 GMT

Vote Perot '92: You can trust him to pull out before it's over.


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Date: Sun, 4 Oct 92 12:20:02 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: fang@math.berkeley.edu (Cavan Fang)
Subject: political observation 
Keywords: smirk, original, topical, sexual

It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale.
Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton
would have picked Gary Hart instead.


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Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 6:35:01 EDT
From: CARTER%ODIN.decnet@osi.odn.ohio.gov (ODIN::CARTER)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: More Cold Sales Call Humor
Keywords: smirk
Date: 27 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT

[ From a friend on CIS ]

Just two nights ago, I received a call
that went like this ...

Hello, may I speak to Mr. Ackerman?

Speaking

Good evening, Mr. Ackerman.  My name is [whatever, who really cares what
her name is].  I represent [something, something] Siding company.  How
are you doing this evening, sir?

Doing real fine in my rented house.

Just what I needed to hear sir.  Thank You

No problem.  You realize, however, that I am lying to you?

[silence, and then dial tone]

Now THAT'S a good way to handle these turkeys.  I'll try this other
procedure next time.
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 4:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: joke
From: doug@e7sa.epi.syr.ge.com (Doug Smith)
Keywords: maybe, original

 

My unique solution to two of the world's problems:

   "Feed to Homeless to the Hungry"
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From: frank@rover.bsd.uchicago.edu (FRANK BORGER)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: From the Federal Register
Keywords: smirk, true
Date: 2 Oct 92 08:30:03 GMT


	Excerpts from the Federal Register as originally presented in the
	American Association of Physicists in Medicine Newsletter.

17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #1

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in a Federal Register
notice denying a petition, stated "Detachment of any of the four wheels
adversely affects vehicle stability..."

17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #2

A National Transportation Safety Board official, investigating a lost engine
incident involving a Boeing 737, which is designed to safely shed a mal-
functioning engine, stated "But we do know that this engine was not designed
to fall off under normal circumstances."

   Frank R. Borger - Physicist    __       Internet:  Frank@rover.uchicago.edu



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Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
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Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Surely you jest
From: major.panix.com!dos@panix.com (Dave O'Shea)
Subject: Differentiating the Candidates
Keywords: smirk, topical

(As far as I know, it's my father than came up with this one)
 
"The major difference between Clinton and Bush seems to be that you can 
pick a veteran backed by a draft dodger, or a draft dodger backed by a 
veteran"


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From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Re: What's better than roses on a piano?
Organization: TRW, INC.
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 21:52:39 GMT

In article <1afip7INNerh@early-bird.think.com> paco ojeda <ffoogg@macmailgw.dfci.harvard.edu> writes:
>What's better than roses on a piano?

Reminds me:

What's worse than having a beetle on your piano?

Having a crab on your organ.

-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: sandy@cs.montana.edu (Colin "Sandy" Pittendrigh)
Subject: Re: Scottish Jokes
Organization: Dept. of Computer Science, MSU, Bozeman Mt 59717
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 03:39:51 GMT

	Why does a scotsman wear kilts?





----------------Scottish sheep can hear zippers from a mile away-----

/*=======================================================================*/
/*                Sandy Pittendrigh  <Sandy@cs.montana.edu>              */
/*=======================================================================*/
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ahchan@rd.hydro.on.ca (Arthur Chan)
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Organization: "Ontario Hydro - Research Division"
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 92 19:04:37 GMT

$ennsnr@brandonu.ca (Neil Enns) writes:
: In article <1992Sep17.205517.1@pitvax.claremont.edu>, schang@pitvax.claremont.edu writes:
: > In article <1992Sep11.201643.21568@infonode.ingr.com>, wilsonk@infonode.ingr.com (Keith Wilson) writes:
: >> In article <1992Sep9.135101.10450@inesc.pt>, usenet@inesc.pt (USENET News System) writes:
: >>> >In article <1992Sep7.164904.16653@inesc.pt> jota@iguana.UUCP (Joao Pedro Martins) writes:
: >>> >>
: >>> >>	Can someone *PLEASE* tell me what a "oxymoron" is ???
: >>> >>
: > 
: > Oh, all right already!  Someone help that poor soul!
: > 	An oxymoron is the shortened word for a highly sophisicated protein(its
: > original name was oxymoronphilintautoluxtelohemisohydropolyheteropreposthenis-
: > dipolynoidcolloidricalsemisapientpenileimplantum).  It is also a neuroreceptor
: > that unnaturally causes the afflicted victim to post spontaneously combustible
: > messages(so flame me) in newsgroups of little import, not to mention it lowers
: > the user's sense of judgement.  But beware - now there's a new drug: dioxyribo-
: > moronicphilintautoluxtelohemisohydropolyheteropreposthenisdipolynoidcolloidri-
: > calsemisapientpenileimplantum, that hinders appreciation for newsgroup humor. 
: > Beware, you have been warned.
: > 
: > -Shadowmage
: 
: What a load of crap! According to Webster's New World Dictionary (Copyright
: 1962):
: 
: 	ox-y-mo-ron n. a figure of speech in which two opposite or
: 	contradictory ideas or terms are combined (e.g. bittersweet,
: 	thunderous silence, government intelligence)
: 
: Hope this helps you!
: 

I like the definition from Shadowmage better!!!!!!!!  It was really funny.  The
best joke coming from this group for a long time!
-- 
Arthur Chan
Operations Research
KR297 (6173)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Bald jokes et al
From: meachen@med.wcc.govt.nz
Date: 1 Oct 1992 03:00:49 GMT
Reply-To: meachen@med.wcc.govt.nz
Organization: Wellington City Council, Wgtn, NZ
NNTP-Posting-Host: blade.wcc.govt.nz

In article <BvEvv1.L8A@cs.psu.edu>, tripunit@algol.cs.psu.edu (Mahesh V Tripunitara) writes:

More bald to beat the boredom:


                           BLUE BAYOU

I went out one autumn day,
The sky was dark, the clouds were gray,
A gust of wind caught my toupee
And it blew by you.

I'm going back out there to get my hair
That blew by you.
It's a black toupee with just a touch of gray
That blew by you.

I've got no peace of mind without that piece of mine,
My head looks like a baby's behind.
I wish I dug where to find that rug
That blew by you.

Q: How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they are not afraid of the dark.

Red
From: mweinste@pearl.tufts.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Airplane! script
Date: 29 Sep 92 15:06:49 GMT
Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA

In article <1LuRRB1w164w@phsbbs.princeton.nj.us>, tony@phsbbs.princeton.nj.us (Anthony Foglia) writes:
> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> 
>> I understand there is a script to the movie, "Airplane!" out there somewhere
>> on the net.  Could someone either email me a copy or let me know an ftp site
>> where it is available?  Thanks....
>> 
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Sam.                                             ss1@kepler.unh.edu
>> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Please send me one too!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jss@oin.unh.edu (Spectre)
Subject: Re: just a joke...
Organization: University of No Holidays - UNH - East somewhere
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 23:03:58 GMT

In article <92274.124843MGW104@psuvm.psu.edu> Matt Wright <MGW104@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>The funniest thing I ever heard in my mind's ear:
>
>         President Bill Clinton (Ha!ha!ha!)
>
>                                           MATT

That may be the funniest, but when Bush was sick, the scariest thing I heard
was:
			President Dan Quayle
				(Which probably was spelled Quayl before he
				 wrote it the first time! :)

						-Jeff


-- 
'If two's a company and three's a crowd, then six is armageddon'
|         Jeff Schreiber               | "The way to ski these things [moguls] |
|       jss@kepler.unh.edu             |  Is to go to total panic..............|
|    j_schreiber@unhh.unh.edu          |  Then....Back off." -Mike Hatrup      |
               My opinions are mine and only mine. I don't care 
               if they are wrong and you can't have them anyway!
From: tma4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (TERRY MICHAEL AUSPITZ)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: 10,000 QUESTION PURITY TEST--PLEASE READ !!!!!
Date: 5 Oct 92 19:04:00 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1992Oct1.182927.6718@news.cs.brandeis.edu>, st902231@pip.cc.brandeis
.edu (DAVID) writes:
>In article <1992Oct1.144527.11624@ringer.cs.utsa.edu>, lipscomb@lonestar.utsa.e
du (David S. Lipscomb) writes:
>>In article <1992Oct1.125340.28871@ousrvr.oulu.fi> mpben@phoenix (Marko Pirnesk
oski) writes:
>>>: Earth to dork!  There is no 10,000-question version.  The 5,000 is *still*
>>>: the biggest.
>>>
>>>Could someone e-mail me that 5,000-guestion version ???
>>>Please !
>>
>Could I have one also?
>
>--------------------------------------------
>st902231@pip.cc.brandeis.edu
>--------------------------------------------
>
Us too!
+ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +
|         ///   ///    ///////                   -=FORTY-TWO=-              |
|        ///   ///   /////////           We *ARE* The meaning of life!      |
|       //////////  //   ///                                                |
|      //////////      ///                TMA4@LEHIGH.EDU - Terry           |
|           ///      ///                  SLR7@LEHIGH.EDU - Stephanie       |
|          ///     ////////               MRP2@LEHIGH.EDU - Matt            |
|         ///    /////////                SES3@LEHIGH.EDU - Sarai           |
+ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +
-- 
+ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +
|         ///   ///    ///////                   -=FORTY-TWO=-              |
|        ///   ///   /////////           We *ARE* The meaning of life!      |
|       //////////  //   ///                                                |
|      //////////      ///                TMA4@LEHIGH.EDU - Terry           |
|           ///      ///                  SLR7@LEHIGH.EDU - Stephanie       |
|          ///     ////////               MRP2@LEHIGH.EDU - Matt            |
From: Sammy@btnbbs.UUCP (Sammy)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: 4 Oct 92 08:00:12 GMT
Organization: btnbbs - Stow, Ohio  (216)688-3894

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hello.  How are you today?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'm fine, so cascade away!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>OK. You can call me ray.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You doesn't has to call me ray, you can call me Jay. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Don't you have anything better to say?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Perhaps there is some better way?
>>>>>>>>>>>>Oh, there MUST be, I should say!
>>>>>>>>>>>I wish this would just go away.
>>>>>>>>>>It might, but not today.
>>>>>>>>>And yet another, enters the fray.
>>>>>>>>Oh gawd, time to pray!
>>>>>>>Will this last til June or May?
>>>>>>This rhyme, I will not betray.
>>>>>Why not today.
>>>>Go away.
>>>Yes, right away.
>>OK, OK!!
> But I want to stay!
Perhaps we'll leave another day!

--  
----------------------------
Coming right outta:

btnbbs!sammy@aldhfn.akron.oh.us
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.drugs
From: cjf49655@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Chuck)
Subject: Re: Candy corn: an Explanation, please
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 19:01:36 GMT
Keywords: candy,corn,munchies,halloween

mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel) writes:

>In article <deuelpm.718298421@craft.camp.clarkson.edu> deuelpm@craft.camp.clark
>son.edu (Hobbit) writes:
>>
>>My wife and I were discussing tonight the "candy corn."  You know, candy
>>corn--that white-orange-yellow stuff shaped like a road pylon that is only sol
>d
>>at halloween. . .
>[stuff deleted]

>Can't answer your question, but... did you know that IT's NOT
>A REAL VEGETABLE.  Yup, and neither are Captain Crunch Crunchberries!!

>Man I was pissed when I found this out! Personally, I quit eatin'
>all of it!


of course Captain Crunch Crunchberries aren't vegetables...they're Fruits.

-Chuck

>-Mark
-- 
Chuck Falzone
cjf49655@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: gupta@eos.ncsu.edu (Prashant Gupta)
Subject: ********
Organization: North Carolina State University
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 18:13:53 GMT

In article <1992Sep24.173913.1412@exu.ericsson.se>,
exurlsr@exu.ericsson.se writes:
From: nelson_p@apollo.hp.com (Peter Nelson)
Subject: Re: Clinton doesn't understand business (was: A SAD JOKE!)
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 14:06:46 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Corporation, Chelmsford, MA

In article <4f1-6R=@engin.umich.edu> jwh@citi.umich.edu writes:

>There's no doubt about it, Bush is sailing without a compass as far
>as domestic policy is concerned.  However, at least he hasn't proposed
>taxes on job creation like Clinton.  Clinton claims his plan will
>create jobs, and yet his plan would increase the cost of hiring and
>maintaining full time employees.  His training tax, pay or play scheme,
>family leave, etc. all raise the cost of having employees.

  Right, and the empirical evidence supports Jim Howe's position on
  this:  those nations which have these policies, e.g., Western
  Europe, Australia, Canada, etc. have in general much higher
  unemployment rates than the US.  

  Look, as I've been saying a lot here, JOBS are going to be THE 
  issue for the 90's.  Cutting the deficit, while absolutely 
  necessary will in the short term greatly raise the unemployment
  rate.  Moreover, US industry has discovered that through effic-
  iencies and consolidation (another way of gaining efficiency)
  they generate the same or higher revenues and unit output with
  fewer people.   Many US industrial companies are bigger and 
  more profitable today with fewer workers than 5 years ago.
  This is good from a productivity and cost standpoint but it
  puts pressure on employment.  So the unemployment rate
  continues to grow and I predict it will do so more dramatically 
  in the coming years.  

  Clinton/Gore just don't "get it": in this economic environment we
  cannot afford to do things which make it more expensive and less
  likely for companies to hire people.  


---peter
From: barbaras@meltdown.chi.il.us (Barbara Simonsen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Mixed Up Movie Titles
Date: 29 Sep 92 00:24:03 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <Bv3IG9.FMH@news.cso.uiuc.edu>, sjs28257@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Steve
Stelter) writes:
>gmark@cbnewse.cb.att.com (gilbert.m.stewart) writes:
>
>
>>Further, three out of four people in America make up almost 75% of
>>the population!
>
>
>My God!  I had no idea that figure would be so high!  We must put a stop
>to this, for the benefit of generations yet to be born!
>
>
>                                --Steve Stelter
>                                  sjs28257@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
It's worse than I thought! The schools have gotten so bad that half the
children are below average.
Organization: Freshman, CIT general, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA