Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Fri, 22 Jan 1993 13:10:58 CST
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         Jim Sinclair <GOLEM@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: A Little Help From My Friends

On Tue, 19 Jan 1993 15:36:47 EST Daniel Mont said:
>However, the video kept stressing the "loneliness" and social
>isolation of being a high functioning autistic adult.
>
>I know that Jim S. has written that non-autistics have a tendency
>to project their own desires and needs on to autistics ( often
>mistakenly, he says).  However, I am still torn on this issue.

Well, I never said that NO autistics ever experience loneliness or distress
over social isolation, only that *I* don't.  Most high-functioning autistic
people I know, as well as quite a few low-functioning ones, are considerably
more socially motivated than I am.  I think if an autistic person *is*
interested in social contact, it should certainly be made available.  My
concern is that it not be forced because *other* people decide it's what
the autistic person wants or needs.  In your example of Alex's response to
the birthday party, the activity involved both something Alex ordinarily
doesn't request and is indifferent to when it happens (getting together
with other kids), and something he does enjoy and seek opportunities for
(bowling).  The party may have appealed to him for the very reasons you
mentioned: It was a way to get together with kids from school in the
context of a familiar structured activity that he knows how to handle.
Or it could be that he was completely indifferent to the company, and
only excited about the chance to experience a familiar activity in a
slightly novel way.  Or the reason(s) for his excitement may have been
somewhere in between, or something completely different (e.g., maybe he
just wanted to see what the bowling alley looks like at a different time
of day).  Another point to remember is that a person may very much enjoy
an experience if it happens to come along, but that doesn't mean he goes
through life being miserable and pining for the experience when it's not
available.

>I think he would
>have been hurt if he was not invited.  I guess I am saying that it is hard
>for me to determine what degree of contact Alex would like with other
>kids.

It seems to me that you're doing a good job of picking up on Alex's cues
and letting him decide.  Since he enjoyed the party, you might try asking
him if he'd like to invite one or two of his classmates to go bowling
some afternoon.  If he seems open to this, see if he has any preference for
which kid(s) to ask, or if he wants you to pick them for him.  If he's not
interested, don't push it.  Who are the other kids in his bowling league?
Does he see them in any other context?

Why do you think he would have been hurt if he hadn't been invited?  Is he
aware of things like parties, and of whether or not he's invited?  I wasn't
at his age.  Somehow my mother always knew that classmates were having
birthday parties and that I had been invited to them, but if she hadn't
told me, "You're going to Nancy's birthday party this Sunday," I never
would have known about it.  I certainly wouldn't have picked up on it from
the other kids at school!  As an adult, I usually find being invited to
parties a mildly unpleasant experience.  It requires me to risk offending
someone who I know is trying to be nice to me, by declining the invitation.
Then they think maybe I just have other plans that time, so they invite me to
another party some other time, and I decline that invitation too, and soon
they think I don't like them.  The nicest invitation I ever received was
stated in the form of, "There's going to be a party this Saturday night
and I want you to know you're welcome to come if you want to, but I don't
know if it would be too much for you."  The person extending the invitation
let me know that she enjoyed my company enough to want me at the party,
but that she understood why I probably wouldn't want to go, and she wouldn't
be upset when I didn't come.

JS
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