From: Jeremy_Reimer@mindlink.bc.ca (Jeremy Reimer)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: N-Man #3:  MORE FUN THAN A BARREL FULL OF CASCADES!
Date: 10 Oct 92 08:38:40 GMT
Organization: MIND LINK! - British Columbia, Canada
Distribution: world

Obligatory N-Notes:

Everyone who asked for the N-Man anthology has been sent a copy.  Any further
problems with transmission is "BoB's" problem and not mine.

N-Man #6 is done and contains some very cool formatting and style changes, as
well as a FREE GIFT!  (Send $20 to collect your free gift, details later)

N-Man has worked out a deal with BoB and they have agreed to split all the
slack in the world 50-50, in exchange BoB gets a lifetime subscription to
N-Man, a pink shirt, and a 10% share of the profits of the lucrative N-Man
merchandising empire.

OK ENOUGH BABBLING...................................................

THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF N-MAN!!

EPISODE N=3: N-Man on Holiday!

        After his exciting, dangerous and terrifying encounter with Evil Karl
Von Klaussenburg, N-Man decided what he really needed was a nice long
vacation. To avoid suspicion, he chose to drive the back-up vehicle, a
beat-up old lime-green VW van.
        "Can't be too careful, you know," he said to no one in particular.
"Enemies like Karl Von Klaussenburg are always ready to rudely interrupt
super-hero's holidays.  I'd better be prepared for the worst."  So he loaded
up the van with two Patriot missiles, one Traitor missile, and a
Conscientious
Objector missile, just to be safe.  He reloaded the twin forward
machine-guns,
fueled up the dual jet engines, wiped a few bugs off the windscreen and
polished the rear-view mirrors.  Checking to see he had his Super Portable
TV/VCR/watch/video game system/lint remover/radar detector handy, and had
enough sunscreen to last at least two weeks, he revved up the engine and
drove out of his lair through the new Secret Hidden Entrance.  The old Secret
Hidden Entrance was too close to a major intersection and was no longer
Secret
or Hidden.
        Zoom, he sped at one hundred and fifty miles per hour down to the
nearest beach, which was pretty good for an old rusty VW van.  As soon as he
got there he changed into his N-Man battle gear/beach wear which consisted
basically of: One (1) pair of N-Man shorts, Hyperion-7 laser-equipped liquid
nitrogen-cooled fluorescent sunglasses, a fire-resistant towel, and an
ever-userful energy shield/beach umbrella/ninja umbrella-foo weapon/radio
telescope.  Snatching a six-pack of Cherry Coke, he proceeded to seriously
relax.
        He was interrupted by a spray of sand directed at him by a man who
looked like he might have been disqualified from the Arnold "Classic"
bodybuilding competition.  N-Man was used to this sort of thing.  Deftly he
engaged the N-Man hairdryer and set it on HI, with the result that the
steroid-infused aggressor was drenched in a flurry of sand himself.  N-Man
had less than ten seconds to act while the man wiped sand out of his eyes.
He didn't have quite the speed of The Flash, but on the other hand he had
much higher Neilson ratings.  With the help of the N-Man hydraulic shovel
(patent pending) he dug a six-foot hole underneath the man, then filled
it up with sand using the hairdryer.  The entire beach crowd applauded
N-Man as he pranced around his buried opponent.
        "Baaaugh!" elucidated the annoyed enemy, his face turning red and
his custom-designed Hair Club for Men toupee/graft/weave falling off in the
excitement.
        N-Man settled back to watch some more TV.  Someone looking a lot like
the co-head of The National was speaking VERY..SLOWLY...AND..PRECISELY...AS
IF...READING...FROM A...CUE CARD.
        "And..Remember.  I'm not only... the Hair Club's major sponsor...I'm
also a client."  the familiar face said.
        N-Man squinted at the screen.  It couldn't be.. could it?
Impossible!
What would Wendy Mesley say?  He cross-linked the watch-TV screen to the main
computer database at his lair via the cellular hook-up, and tried a digital
match of features.  The computer came back with an answer: "TYPE MISMATCH,
READ YOUR STUPID MANUAL, IDIOT!"  This meant the figure was NOT in fact
Peter Mansbridge, or else N-Man had gotten the codes wrong.  Seeing that the
latter choice lead to nothing but tedious re-checking and utter boredom, he
rented a boat and went water-skiing.
        Not five minutes after N-Man had circled a nearby island six times an
evil-looking black speedboat raced out from behind a rock, machine-guns
blasting.  N-Man grinned and gave the robot helmsman he had installed in
the rented boat an order to increase speed.  These kind of chases were his
favourite.
        The boat sped around the sheer rock cliffs with the mysterious
enemies
not far behind.  He took out some depth charges from his shorts pocket and
dropped them over is shoulder, then ducked as the explosion went off behind
him.  He stopped his boat and with a loud splash dove into the water.
Then he remembered he couldn't swim, and got back on the boat.  The
mysterious
evil-looking black speedboat was nowhere to be seen, unless you counted the
little fragments of black metal and plastic floating around in the
water nearby.
        It turned out, as N-Man discovered later, that the black boat hadn't
been after him at all.  It was full of riotous, unemployed former James Bond
villains, enraged at the fall of Communism in the Soviet Union.
        But N-Man didn't know this yet.  He returned to his van and started
looking for the assembly instructions for the N-Gun.  There wasn't much time.
        In fact, he ran out of time.  A group of Anti-ninjas had to wait for
fifteen minutes while agonized over the N-Gun instructions.
        Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world.  Instead of
appearing out of thin air, throwing metal stars and messing around with bo
staffs and numchuks they simply shot people and then drove everyone mad with
pointless conspiracy theories for years afterwards.  Even umbrella-foo
wouldn't
quell them.
        Finally, the N-gun was finished, and in less than a minute N-Man
aligned all the laser sights, entered the target codes into the main CPU,
released all eight safety catches and fired, hitting one of the Anti-ninjas
squarely in the head with the flying cork.
        Fourtunately, the Anti-ninjas merely wanted to inform N-Man that
1) it was getting perilously close to the end of the episode and 2) his
baked-beans-on-toast sandwich had been left in the sun too long and had
developed super-intelligence.
        "Sure, it's true!" said the baked-beans-on-toast.  "I'm the
most intelligent sentient being in the universe!  Ask me a question!
Anything!"
        N-Man thought about this.  "Anything?" he asked slyly.

NEXT EPISODE:  -  The anti-climactic conclusion to this cheap cliffhanger!
               -  No mention of Madonna whatsoever!
               -  A big wad of kleenex! (Used)
               -  The Bush/Elvis television debate!



--
Jeremy_Reimer@ |"We have no deaf people in this country--'hearing impaired'
mindlink.bc.ca | We have no blind people in this country--'partially sighted'
---------------| or 'visually impaired'  And we have no stupid people,
aka THE JAGUAR!| everybody has a 'learning disorder'..."
---------------|
Stealth Sig#99 |    -- George Carlin

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