From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: APS, safety, healing
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 18:32:09 GMT

Hi all,

Let's see if I can say some things in a way that will promote
healing.  IMHO it will not help asar to divide into "his" camp
and "her" camp, so hopefully I will be able to say what I
want to say without appearing to take sides.

First major important issue:  safety, and the anon posting service.
It is my opinion that using the service simply to send messages
to asar is as safe as it ever was.  All allegations have involved
instances of direct communication with Prisoner, who is also the
anon administrator, Bill Wells.  People corresponding with him directly
should be fully aware of his views and philosophies, and of other
people's experiences.  As long as you are simply using his service
to post messages, and are not corresponding with him and do not agree
to meet him in person, IMHO there is no danger.

Second:  atmosphere of asar.  I also want to avoid a flame-fest,
and want the sort of atmosphere where people feel safe to post what
they feel.  Thank you, Enigma, Gavin, and all others who have recently
written posts which serve to de-escalate and promote understanding.

Third:  breaking free of the "don't tell" mindset.  Survivors of 
childhood abuse were usually programmed to keep the abuse hidden
and secret.  Here in asar I would like to see us encourage each other
to break free of this, for our *own* healing.

I know that in Relkie's case, she was concerned with protecting and
warning others, and also with her right to break free of the "don't tell".
IMHO both of these are valid reasons for coming forward.  I think this
is an opportunity for us all to observe how powerful "don't tell" can
be, and to practise learning a more honest and open way of being.

Fourth:  manipulation.  Manipulation is a sensitive subject for survivors
who were manipulated as children.  When I think I detect someone trying
to manipulate me, I get angry.  On the other hand, a lot of times I probably
am manipulated without being aware of it.  I would like to see asar as a
place where we can experiment and practise our skills of establishing
boundaries and refusing to be manipulated.  Specifically, if someone feels
the need to express that they feel manipulated, I hope we can hear them
and express our own views without attacking anyone.

(aside, possibly related)  I hope that if I post something in anger, venting
emotions, that people will be kind as they remind me of a better way to
express myself.  The problem arises when several people react to each other,
forgetting to be kind.

Fifth:  *MY* issues.  This whole situation is really emphasizing some
important issues in my own healing.  One of those is that I feel almost
no anger toward my perps, although I do feel anger towards others (such
as my mom, for not protecting me).  This is just something I am thinking
about now.  Perhaps it would be good for asar if we discussed how this
affects our *own* issues.

(thanks to those who have already begun this process!)

May safety be with all of you, and especially with the anonymous posters!

-kk

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery