From: hartman@informix.com (Robert Hartman)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: ANGER....
Keywords: none
Date: 5 Nov 92 18:39:08 GMT
Organization: Informix Software, Inc.

In article <1992Nov4.164013.13294@pony.Ingres.COM> walker@Ingres.COM (Lynn Walker) writes:
>I am having a hard time with this, but I hope by posting, I will get it out.
>It's a long one, so you can move on if you want to.
>
>I have always been afraid of expressing ANGER. Early on in my life I thought
>my feelings didn't matter, so I simply shut them off. Unfortunately, I 
>continue to do this. It's familiar, automatic. A lot of the time, it takes
>me a while to admit that I'm feeling ANYTHING. If I did, then that would mean
>I was a human being (we can't have that now, can we?)

I too suffer with this.

> ... The problem was, I felt that my opinions were not being listened to.
>At the same time, I didn't express them very often either, and became ANGRY.
>
>I am having problems communicating my feelings to a friend of who is causing
>me problems. I am upset and resentful at this person's behaviour, but I have
>become ANGRY at myself for not being able to tell them. As a result, for
>the last three days I have been depressed and losing sleep. Why? Because I
>am afraid of ANGER and REJECTION at the same time.

I can relate to this.  Something that works for me, when I remember to do it,
is to make a distinction between who I am and how I feel.  Somehow, it's
not OK for me to _be_ angry, but it is OK for me to _feel_ angry.  So, if
I say to myself, "I'm angry," I get panicky.  But if I say to myself, "I
feel angry," I seem to be able to deal with it better.  This also works when
I confront people about things.  If I come up to them and say, "I'm angry,"
then all of the sudden I seem to be the problem--when what's bothering me
should be.  Nobody likes to deal with anger, so if I'm angry, I might get
rejected.  But if I say, "I'm feeling very angry and upset about what's going
on here," then my feelings are just facts, and the real problem can get talked
about.  If I feel angry, then they can react however they like to the anger--
without rejecting _me._  The therapist who taught me that called it 
"disidentification."

>When I was growing up, our family never talked about anything, never did things
>together, never showed affection. I learned that my feelings were not important,
>and they were to be ignored. If you ignored things long enough, they will go
>away, right?

WRONG!!!!!   ;^)

>I have a lot of trouble with trust, so I don't talk to people very much. I tend
>to be loner, too. I go to discussion meetings sporadically. I prefer
>counselling/therapy when I need to "unload". I am afraid of being who I am. I
>guess I think that people won't like me if I tell them how I feel. This is
>getting better though, but I still tend to hold things in to the point where I
>want to explode. Maybe that's my problem. If I deal with things as they happen,
>maybe they won't get so bad. I always think that I need to handle things by
>myself before I resort to "asking for help".

Yes, and it takes practice to get into the habit of confronting things while
they're fresh--esp. after a lifetime of doing it the other way.

>I am feeling better now, but this is an ongoing thing, and I can't take it much
>longer. Anyway, I thank you for letting me relieve my anxiety.

Hope this helps.

-r