From: kim@i5160e.nrl.navy.mil (Elisabeth Kim)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Date: 10 Apr 92 00:34:38 GMT
Distribution: world,soc

my first reaction was: NO! wooing someone away from someone else is totally
wrong.
after reflection, i noticed that that is utter b.s.  forgive my language.
That to-be-wooed-person is a person.  Not a thing. S/he is a person with
her/his own capacity to make his/her own decisions.  S/he does not "belong"
to her/his currently SO.  If s/he decides s/he does not want to be with SO-1
anymore, then that is her/his choice. S/he is not a puppy that one can woo
away with a piece of cheese or candy or whatever. 

I have an easier time thinking/talking about an issue,if i actually make up a
situation, so here is my situation:
sandra = woman to be wooed away from peter.  and kurt is the one who wants
to woo sandra.
okay. terminology straight now.  

here is what kurt does:
he really likes sandra.  he wants to let sandra know he is very much interested
in her.  and that he would be very happy if she left peter to be with him.
okay.  so he talks a lot to her and calls her up on the phone and things like
that.  he may even ask her out to do whatever.  anyway, at one point he will
tell sandra that he loves her or whatever the term is. 

this is where sandra comes in:
at that point she will tell him that she either loves him, too or that she
just likes him as a friend.  (actually if she just likes kurt as a friend,
she probably should have let him know that a little earlier -- i assume she
would have noticed this earlier).  If Sandra likes Kurt, the ethical thing
for her to do is to tell him that she is still in this relationship with
peter and that she will have to break up with peter first, before they can
do anything.

okay, here we are with kurt again:
kurt has to watch out.  he does not want to be in a situation where sandra
keeps going back and forth between kurt and peter. not fair to either one
of them.  duells are out.  women are not considered lifestock in this age
any more. kurt should wait until sandra has broken up with peter .
if however sandra had told kurt she is only interested in him as a friend,
kurt should not pressure sandra any more.  (he might lose sandra as a 
friend if he does).

the peter angle:
all this is actually out of his hands.  if he is a secure person, he should
not feel threatened by this.  if the relationship between him and sandra
is a stable one, he should not feel threatened by this. He should trust
Sandra.

summary: The ethical handling of a situation like this is mainly in the
hands of sandra. IMO.
personal experience: i have been sandra on occasions.  and i don't mind any
kurts coming up and asking me out.  however, i do expect them to respect 
my refusals.  which hasn't happened all the time and which seriously infuriates
me.  
i have also been peter.  but it doesn't loom large in my memory, because it
didn't bug me.  i guess i was fairly secure in my relationship then. It has 
also happened that i was peter where things didn't work out in my favor.
i wasn't too upset then either (only a little), because i didn't have much
stock in that relationship.  things were stale anyway, and it was a matter
of who got fed up with the relationship first enough to initiate the 
breaking up. i guess it was mostly pride that was hurt, not really anguish
over the loss of the relationship.
i have never been kurt. i have wanted to be kurt, but as i said in the 
beginning i had thought it immoral.  now i think i still wouldn't do it,
unless i was very very very very very very .... serious about "sandra".  Chances
are that if sandra is still in a relationship with peter, that she wants to
stay there and my asking "her"(i feel kinda funny talking like that, but for
the sake of -clarity- i'll pretend i am bi) won't make much of a difference,
except that i will embarrass myself.  

okay those were my two cents.

-- Ellis. 
-- 
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email to:        | My professors are not at fault.  | First things first.  
70kim@cua.bitnet | These thoughts are my own        | But not necessarily 
                 | I am not a grad student yet.     | in that order.  - who
Newsgroups: alt.romance