From: tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan)
Subject: Re: Thanks + Question re: Sharing between one-year-olds (LONG)
Organization: Sylvan Associates
Distribution: usa
Date: 25 Jul 92 11:21:12

In the STEP parenting class I did, they also suggest interfering as
little as possible. The children need to have a chance to work it out,
first. You can also model good behavior (asking before you take
anything away from the boys, etc) so that they know how to ask for
things and negotiate. It is hard when they are little, but they'll
learn. And they *do* have communication skills already.

I think interfering all the time (when they aren't physically
*FIGHTING* or screaming for extended periods of time) does children a
disservice in a few ways. The first is that you will not always be
there, and if you are always intervening (particularly for 1 child)
then when they are alone, the 'aggressive' might feel the need to take
advantage of the situation. And, if the intervening is more in one
direction than the other, it might foster some hard feelings between
the children. The other is that it takes power *away* from the one who
might or might not want to defend the toy in their possession.

I notice that when Kathy, Corwin (both 2.5-3 yrs old) and Kendra (15
mo) are all together playing, sometimes toys get taken away from
Kendra. If we give her a chance, she'll communicate *clearly* to the
perpetrator if she's upset. Sometimes (if we still don't intervene!)
the older one will give the toy back all on their own, after being
yelled at. If an adult intervenes, it can become more of a struggle -
one day Kathy took something away from Kendra, and Kendra was only
mildly bothered. But several adults all 'jumped' at Kathy, insisting
that she give it back (one was about to take the item away from Kathy,
but since I was there, she didn't). Well, I tried to keep my tone calm
and matter of fact with Kathy that Kendra had the toy, and wanted it
back, and that Kathy needs to ask first, etc. Once the adults all
backed off, Kathy did give the toy back, and I pointed out to her how
happy Kendra was.

Some tactics to teach the children is that if they want the toy
another child has, to find another toy for that child (this works well
with a sibling and baby/toddler - to offer a different toy to the baby
to get to play with the toy the baby has). The trick is to find a toy
that the other child will want to play with. Kathy and I are working
on that with Robin now.

Another is to point out to the offender how the other child is
reacting. "Look he isn't happy right now, he's crying because you took
his toy away" (and also "look he's happy because"). While it will take
a while for the child to mature enough that it will matter, it is
helping reinforce the communication issue.

For that matter, I never 'make' Kathy apologize. I will suggest it, if
(and only if!) I notice that the other child is upset. I don't make
her apologize to a child just because what she's done offends my sense
of social conduct. Often Kathy apologises on her own, with no
prompting at all. If Kathy is upset with the other child, I'll just tell
her that what she did wasn't a nice thing to do, and that isn't how to
play with a friend, and that maybe she needs a timeout. (This is not a
punishment timeout, this is just a relaxing away from other child
timeout) 

When both kids are fighting over the same toy, the 'solution' is to
say that if they can't work it out and take turns or share, then the
toy needs to be put away for a while.

I know the boys are young for some of this -- but it is important to
model the behaviors and start guiding them through things... of
course, you'll be guiding for at least the next 2 years (sometimes
more, sometimes less) but they do learn how to handle most things on
their own, if you give them chances.
-- 

Tigger (Grace Sylvan)                Mom of Katherine Yelena, 8/8/89 &
tigger@satyr.sylvan.com              Robin Gregory born 2/28/92
=======================
I'm a mammal and proud of it!

4 month old Robin weighed 17.5 lbs, 25.5 inches tall, solely breastfed
by 'supermomcow' :-)