From: elahe@watson.ibm.com
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Helping a sensitive child
Date: 26 Jan 93 15:43:04 GMT
Reply-To: elahe@watson.ibm.com
Organization: IBM T.J. Watson Research Center at Hawthorne

In article <1993Jan25.194831.863548@locus.com>, judy@locus.com (Judy Tryer) wr|> In article <1993Jan20.050109.22143@cs.mun.ca> jamie@garfield.cs.mun.ca (Jamie Cashin) writes:|> >elahe@watson.ibm.com (Elahe > >>is there any way I can help him overcome his sensitivity, and loosen u|> >>a bit?|>|> >Please don't take away his sensitivity!  This world is full of insensitive|> >males now as it is!  He might grow up to be a great parent, or a psychiatrist,|> >or just a friend.  His sensitivity should be channeled





, not overcome.|> >|> |> "Sensitive" is one of those horrible words in the English language that in|> almost any other language would be at least two words.  The reason being|> that there is the positive kind of sensitivity where one is aware of other|> people, their feelings, body language, etc. and therefore treats other people|> with respect.  And then the sensitive boy that I THINK is being described here,|> who reacts strongly and emotionally in what appears to be out of proportion to|> the incident.|





> |> I think this mother wants a child who is sensitive to others, but not so |> sensitive with regard to himself.  And I hope the way to help this come about|> (I have a similar child, and WAS one) is to focus the child how to resolve the|> personal upsets so he can see beyond himself and be sensitive to others.  So,|> for purposes of this discussion, I will use the term "emotional" to describe|> what the previous poster described as "sensitive".|> |> I am an emotional being.  I love emotions.  All emotio





ns.  And that is hard|> because our society doesn't condone emotions very well.  We have thousands|> of years of literature and religious practices all aimed at "keeping an even|> keel".  People meditate and medicate themselves into this non-emotional |> state.  My favorite phrase from these studies was someone who said we must|> learn to become "affectionately detached".  This is not possible for the |> emotiotional personality.  In fact, it seems a whole lot like death.|> 
|> A child who suffers because a playmate was punished is an emotional child.  
|> Maybe the child wanted to be sad and feel around inside the emotion.  But a
|> typical adult response to an upset child is "don't feel bad".  We want them
|> to stop crying, stop hurting, be happy because we are more comfortable.  So,
|> in this case, both Mom and the teacher are looking for a way to 
|> desensitize "Johnny" so he won't feel bad.  After all, there is no logical|> reason for Johnny to feel bad when it is Timmy who is in troubls|t to suppress the emotion, but to get in there with your child and wallow|> a while.  Really.  It's fun.  Johnny is upset because Timmy got yelled at |> at school.  Okay, so snuggle up in each other's laps and feel what Timmy|> must have felt.  Talk about it.  What do you think Timmy felt like?  How do|> you feel.  Does this feel bad?  Etc.  After a nice snuggle a





nd a good cry, |> you may just discover what your child is discovering.  Feeling bad can feel|> really good.  |> |> And, in this process, you will discover some wonderful things about emotions.|> Like there are lots of shades, hues, and nuances to sadness.  That |> "bittersweet" is one of the most fulfilling emotions (I found this rocking my|> newborn after the death of my Mom).  Of course, the danger is that once you|> get comfortable with your emotions and actually learn to enjoy them, you may|> not be a





ble to live in our "even keel" society without an intense desire to|> kick things up a bit.  But, then again, I believe tears belong in the work|> place and try to live up to that motto whenever appropriate.  Last week was|> a good example.|> -- |> Judy Leedom Tyrer|> |> "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake

Thanks for your post Judy. I agree with you about being emotional, the
problem that Alan(my son) has however, is that he doesn't show
any emotion when this happens at school. I talked to his teacher, and
she didn't know about how he feels when the other kids get in trouble,
because he is extremely careful about his behavior at school. When 
Tommy gets diciplined, he will forget it in one minute, and is back to
what he was doing before, according to the teacher. But Alan will tense
up for the whole day, doesn't show anything, so the teacher will know,
and the next day he gets stomach ache, and doesn't want to go to school.
  
I am very happy that he is able to express his feelings to me. My guess
is that he is not only upset because the other kid gets in trouble, but
also he feels the fear himself. In other words, he feels "anger" in the
air.  
  
I must clear a point here. From what I say, you might think that
his teachers aren't very good, and the way they run the class isn't the
way a kindergarten should be run. This is not the case. I have been to
school and have observed very closely what goes on. The teachers are 
wonderful, and Alan always says he likes them. What he interpretes as 
the teacher being angry, or "yelling" at the other kids, is simply the
teacher saying very firmly to the kid who is acting up, to cool down.
It is just that Alan is not used to, and is extremely sensitive to 
any kind of expression of disapproval.  He very rarely gets yelled at
at home.  and once in a long while if I lose it and yell at him,
he gets very upset, and reacts much more dramatically that other kids 
that I know. It  takes him forever to get over the fact that I was 
"angrey" at him. The difference is, that at home he will show
his sadness, at times crys, comes to me and asks for explanation about why
I yelled at him(and I better have a very good reason, otherwise he doesn't
let me forget it for a week, literally), and lectures me that I should
tell him "politely" when I am displeased with something he does, and 
not yell at him (and what he calls "yelling" is just firm talking to 
other kids, according to my friends who have kids). 
He doesn't do any of this at school. He just holds it inside. 
Once he told me that he was upset with one of his teachers, because
she told him "Alan, stay right here", and she didn't say "please". 
 
Sorry for the length of this post. I am just trying to give enough 
examples and feed back, so you know what I am talking about. Anyway,
now that I have talked to his teachers, they might be able to help
him a bit at school, but my fear is for next year when he goes to 
public school, with many more children per teacher, and a more 
serious curriculum. I would like to help him become more capable of
handling real situations.  
  
Thanks to all who have sent me email so far. I appreciate any advice.
Elahe 
    
Newsgroups: misc.kids