From: anne@cco.caltech.edu (Anneliese Lilje)
Subject: Re: A Request for Assistance
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 20:23:46 GMT

In article <1992Apr6.192746.29463@noao.edu> forgach@noao.edu (Suzanne Forgach) writes:
>From article by GC.TLR@forsythe.stanford.edu (TerreMoto):
>> 
>> I was hoping to elicit any useful advice that this group has to offer.
>> 
>> The signal-to-noise ratio seems to be incredibly high.
>> 
>> I have an unusual situation, as far as I can determine.  My SO, of whom
>> I am very fond, is a Right-to-Lifer. I have been a life long Pro-Choice
>> advocate (I am male-she is  not-info included to save bandwidth for those
>> who might have assumed otherwise).
>> 
>> We have agreed to disagree, and I am willing to accept her opinions as valid,
>> because of her life experience, but I also hold mine with similar inflex-
>> ibility.
>> 
>> What I am wondering is, does anyone out there have any personal experience
>> or useful advice in dealing with such problems?  She has a female child-
>> age 12- who has been brought up with similar beliefs.
>
>Hi Terrance,
>
>I saw Kevin William Ryan's good advice that you and your SO simply agree
>to disagree, but I would also take it a step farther, and recommend that
>you not make _any_ permanent, long term, commitments or lifelong decisions
>with your SO any time soon.   Give it _lots_and_lots_ of time.   I think
>it is possible that time will uncover other fundamental irreconcilable
>differences between you, and that eventually you will break up anyway. 

Geee. That's right! I mean how could ANY body live with someone who
didn't agree exactly with everything their SO believed. Suzanne, your 
statement concerning their inevitable breakup is amazing. THere
are LOTS AND LOTS of couples who have much deeper difference who
have quite sucessful relationships. 

>I speak from the experience of being extremely pro-life, and having dated
>an extremely pro-abortion (and get this for bizarreness) adopted guy, for
>two years.  As it turned out there were other very basic differences between
>us, that turned out not only to be personality differences, but I think
>character differences as well. I gave the relationship a good long time to
>iron itself out, and did not make any snap decisions, but in the long run,
>we did break up.  I think the biggest difference that was uncovered between
>us, other than the pro- vs anti- abortion business, was that he hated people
>and I did not and would not.  He just couldn't stand that, but that was too

He HATED people? Why would you even date a person who hates people. Sounds
like your pretty abusive to YOURSELF.

I'd like to give some different advice. Try to accept and respect her
point of view. After all, her point of view is *HERS* and need not intertwine
with yours *at all*. You can be pro-choice and she can be pro-life and you
can still have a good relationship. But it is work, and it is sacrifice
if you feel caring for her. 

I can give you an example from my own relationship. I have an SO who is 
presently working at an Air Force Base in a civilian job that requires
he be part of the military. His views on war and interacting with other
countries is about 20,000,000 light years away from mine. We disagree on
almost every tenent from the role of the U.S. Military in the world to 
the defense budget. But this aspect of our relationship is far and 
away from the MEAT of our relationship. We have gone through horrible 
arguements, 10 months of Desert Storm (with him IN Saudi Arabia) and 
subsequent scares on the security of his job with the shrinking of our
military forces. 

But this is what he WANTS to do with his life and why should I interfere
with it? I love him, I don't OWN him. And his choices do not hurt me 
in any significant capacity.

In any case there are plenty of things that I am for that he disagrees
with. So what. 

We will be together 5+ years. No regrets. He's one hell of a guy.

Ask her why and try to understand her pro-life stance.

anne
Newsgroups: talk.abortion