From: dbowen@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #91
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Summary: Feverish Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 13:18:34 GMT


(Sorry it's a bit late.. it's been a helluva week)

 *     ***  *     *   ***      TOXIC  CUSTARD  WORKSHOP  FILES
****  *     *     *  *         Number  91  -  6th  April  1992
 *    *     *  *  *  ****      Written by Daniel Bowen in a hot sweat with a
  **   ***   ** **   *         blocked dothe and a pretty nasty cough but I'll
                               survive somehow, there's no need to worry too
-------------------------------much, I'll just keep soldiering on with my near-
                                                                              f
If YOU had the spirit of BARRY MANILOW inside you, what would you do?         a
Would you PANIC? NO! You'd call Ralph's Excorcists Ltd. Summon us, 24         t
hours a day, 7 days a week.                                                   a
                                                                              l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                              c
This week saw the release of the Urban Survival Handbook, by John             o
Wiseman, retired professional soldier with the SAS and survival               n
instructor. He was inspired to write it after somehow managing to cut         d
his head open on a cupboard door in his kitchen. To aid our readers, we       i
present some short excerpts from the book:                                    t
                                                                              i
- CROSSING THE STREET - Sneak up on the traffic light from behind,            o
preferably undercover of darkness. Remain a short distance from the           n
traffic light until the evil Commie terrorist red man has disappeared         .
and the good green walking man has appeared, then carefully and quietly
make your way across the road, watching for snipers.                          I

- CUPBOARDS - When opening the cupboard, sneak up from behind,                d
preferably undercover of darkness. Grab the cupboard by the handle with       o
your bayonet and pull it open, screaming "Die you commie cupboard             n
mother-fucker!"                                                               '
                                                                              t
- MUGGERS - Always confront muggers in your army greens and SAS beret
whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand grenades.        e
That usually scares the shit out of them.                                     x
                                                                              p
- RELIGION - Always confront religious groups in your army greens and         e
SAS beret whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand        c
grenades. That usually scares the shit out of them.                           t

- VACUUMING THE HOUSE - Sneak up on the dust from behind, preferably          s
undercover of darkness. Your vacuum cleaner is your weapon; use it            y
carefully. Prior entering the dirty room, ensure the hostages have all        m
been released safely.                                                         p
                                                                              a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       t
                                                                              h
Oh I'm so lost, Lord                                                          y
I'm lost without no hope
I'm lost from the Lord Jesus                                                  f
And I'm lost from the pope                                                    r
                                                                              o
I'm out in the wilderness                                                     m
In the devil's lap
I'm lost in the countryside                                                   y
And I didn't bring a map                                                      o
                                                                              u
Where can I go now
Being lost is no fun                                                          l
I wanna see a priest please!                                                  o
Or a bishop or a nun                                                          t
                                                                              ,
I may have lost my faith
But I haven't lost my thirst                                                  o
Will God try to guide me?                                                     h
Or will the cops find me first?
                                                                              n
Is that a town I see                                                          o
Or a hill or just a shack?                                                    .
Oh, screw the Lord, I just remembered
There's a flare inside my bag                                                 N
                                                                              o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       r

POPSICLE                                                                      d
Part Five - "Shaking The Tree"                                                o

Mr Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment was rather        I
concerned that the plot was getting entirely lost in his latest
adventure, and that he wasn't being portrayed as the all Australian           e
complete and utter cool guy and HERO that he was. His current case,           x
investigating the theft of a large amount of alcohol from a Police            p
party was particularly boring and dull, so he decided to pep it up a          e
bit by organising a big raid on some guy whose file he'd pulled out of        c
the filing cabinet just for the hell of it. His name was Fergus, but          t
everyone knew him as Fergie, because he had long red hair and was
getting divorced.                                                             c
    Popsicle miscalculated though, and managed to increase to                 a
embarassment level the amounts of liquid in the front of his trousers.        r
In fact, not to linger on this point for too long, he stank to high           d
heaven afterwards, a fact which, understandably, didn't over-please           s
him. Fergus hadn't been expected to put up a fight, so it surprised
Popsicle somewhat when they burst through the door to find a rather           c
large elephant. Fergus had never been known to keep animals - not even        o
a dog or a cat, let alone an elephant. And this elephant was MEAN             n
looking. It had "Fuck off!" tattooed on each of its ears.                     t
    Once Popsicle had regained his dignity, and gained a clean pair of        a
underpants, the questioning began. Fergus was obviously scared,               i
otherwise why keep an elephant for protection? He claimed he was just         n
minding it for some environmentalist friends. After all, he said,             i
elephants have rights too.                                                    n
    To cut a long and boring story short, Popsicle charged Fergus with        g
possession of an offensive elephant, and released him on bail. The
elephant was released into the urban jungle and went on to a successful       h
career on tv chat shows.                                                      u
                                                                              g
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                       e
This has been another long and boring
episode of Toxic Custard. Those of you                                        s
who would like to read this long and                                          u
boring stuff via e-mail should reply to                                       m
this for details, or send long and                                            s
boring mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                       o
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.                         f
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |                                             m
            Melbourne Australia |      3% of signature quotes                 o
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |        contain statistics.                  n
      TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |                                             e
                                                                              y
     *elffins* *rettulps* *hguoc* .nialpmoc t'ndluow I hguohT .ton yletulosbA .