From: TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu (Todd Bobenrieth)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: BarTrek IV
Date: 3 Sep 92 13:58:21 GMT
Organization: Penn State University

Geordie Diem

This one takes place shortly after The Best of Both Bars Part II. So you will
not see Troi. Well, the characters are the same, but Barclay is in this one
and will by played by the guy who is Al on Cheers.

Fade in to an ext. shot of the Big E.

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 41213.8. We are zooming through space
        with nothing better to do, so some of the crew are playing a
        variation of the old Earth game, Operation.

Cut to Sick Bay, where Data is laying on a table with his chest opened up.
Riker is reaching inside with tweezers.

Riker: Almost got it...

Worf: RIKER!!!!

Riker stabs the tweezers deep into Data's chest.

Data: YEOW!!!!!!

Worf falls over laughing. Riker wipes his brow.

Riker: Not funny.

Data: Yeah, Worfy...that hurt.

Worf: Commander, the Captain wishes to see you on the bridge.

Riker: Alright, I'm on my way. (exits)

Worf grabs the tweezers and pinces Data's nose as we cut to the turbolift
opening on the bridge. Riker steps out onto the bridge. He looks up to see a
strange ship on the viewer.

Riker: What kind of ship is that?

Picard: A weird one. So far it hasn't responded to our hails.

Riker: What's weird about that? Many ships won't respond.

Picard: I meant we've never seen one like this before.

Ensign Noname: Sir, that ship is hailing us.

Picard: On screen.

The screen switches to a shot of the ship's bridge. Three VERY stupid looking
creatures are sitting on buckets.

Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.

The three look at each other and collectively say, "Ew."

Picard: Who are you?

Donk: I am Donk. Can you help us go?

Close in on Picard's face as we fade to the opener and titles.

Fade into Pakkleds on the viewer.

Picard: Help you GO? Go where?

Donk: Our ship is broken. Can you help us make it go?

Riker: Close channel.

Screen switches to a commercial for Jeff McQuillen's new album.

Riker: Captain, do we have time for this?

Picard: Number Twelve, it is difficult to ignore them when we have nothing
        better to do.

Riker shrugs and pulls down his shirt.

Picard: Open channel...Donk of Pakkled...

Donk: That's Donk O'Patrick.

Picard: Huh?

Donk: My name...Donk O'Patrick

Picard: I see. Donk O'Patrick, we have someone who can help you...Mr. LaForge
        to the bridge.

Geordie: Up here sir.

Picard: Ah, there you are. Mr. LaForge, you will go to the Pakkled ship and
        fix it.

Geordie: But what if it wants to have children some day?

Picard: No, I mean repair it.

Geordie: Oh yeah, I can do that.

LaForge walks up to the viewer and bumps into it. He feels around for a trap
door then walk to the turbolift.

Donk: Seeking trap doors. He is smart!

Riker and Picard look at each other wide-eyed.

Cut to transporter toom 2. O'Brien is twiddling his thumbs. LaForge enters.

O'Brien: Hey, Mr. LaForge, what can I do for you today?

Geordie: I have to go to some alien ship.

O'Brien: Any one in particular?

Geordie: There's only one out there.

O'Brien: Ah, there it is. Yes well, whenever you are ready.

Geordie: Energize.

O'Brien is now wearing bunny ears and has a big drum strapped to him.

O'Brien: Aye, sir.

LaForge dissolves, then rematerializes on the pad next to him.

Geordie: Wow, their transporter room looks just like ours. And their
         transporter chief looks like O'Brien.

O'Brien: You're still on the Enterprise, Geordie. Just a sec.

O'Brien rapidly presses a series of buttons down a line.

O'Brien: There, now we're ready.

Geordie dissolves again. Cut to a beach where he surrounded by bikini clad
women.

O'Brien: Sorry again, sir.

Geordie dissolves again and reappears in the Pakkled ship.

Geordie: Hey, I was fine where I was.

He glances up to where the Pakkleds are staring at him.
Geordie raises his hand into the Vulcan salute.

Geordie: How!

The Pakkleds look at him in awe as we fade out.

COMMERCIAL
"This St. Patrick's Day, at your participating Carvel Ice Cream store, you
 can buy the Beer Cake. It costs a little less than the Scotch cake, but comes
 from the same mold. Buy now, pay later."

Fade back into the Pakkled ship.

Donk: Can you fix our ship?

Geordie: What's wrong with it?

Dink: It won't go.

Dank: We look for things.

Donk: Things to make us go.

Geordie: You mean like fuel?

The Pakkleds look at each other.

Donk: He is smart!

Dink: He can make us go!

Geordie: Wow, this is great!!

Cut to the bridge of the Big E.

Picard: What do you suppose is going on over there?

Riker: It's hard to say.

Picard: Well try to spell it out.

Riker: No, I mean I don't have any idea.

Picard: Hmmmm...Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.

Worf: Wouldn't one be enough?

Picard: Oh, alright...do it!

Worf pushes a button and the lights dim.

Worf: Sorry, sir. (pushes correct button) Hailing frequency open,sir.

Picard: Donk O'Patrick, how is LaForge doing?

Viewer switches to Donk.

Donk: He is smart. He fixes our ship.

Geordie: Hey, Captain. I have their warp engines on line, I fixed their
         guidance system, repaired their food dispenser, and hooked up HBO!

Picard: Very good, Geordie. Prepare to beam back.

Geordie: Aye aye, sir.

Donk: We want him to stay here.

Picard: That's sweet, but we have to get going.

Donk: No, he stays.

Worf: Captain, the Pakkleds have raised their shields.

Riker: Beam him back, O'Brien.

O'Brien: Sir, we can't while their shields are up.

Riker: Oh, that's right. Never mind, then.

Donk: You think we are stupid.

The crew all shake their heads, "yes"

Donk: You think we are dumb.

The crew nods again.

Donk: You think we could have the android too?

The crew rapidly shakes their heads, "YES!"

Data: Hey, very funny, guys.

Picard: We weren't kidding...Donk, if you do not give us back LaForge we will
        be forced to take action.

The screen switches to the ext. of the Pakkled ship.

Worf: Sir, they have closed the channel.

Picard: Worf, Riker, Data...in my ready room in ten minutes.

Picard walks away as we fade out.

COMMERCIAL
"I'd like to be...under the sea...in an octupus's garden, in the shade.."
Last year alone, one out of every one billion Americans were killed by
sadistic renegade killer octupuses. That's why suggest staying on land.

Fade back in to the Pakkled ship.

Geordie: Why wouldn't you let me leave?

Donk: We want you to stay.

Dink: You are smart.

Geordie: Maybe so, but not enough to want to keep me.

Dank: We want you to give us weapons.

Dank points a phaser at LaForge.

Geordie: You have that aimed at yourself.

Donk:Oh. (turns it around) Now give us weapons.

Geordie: Alright, just a second.

Geordie get into his gym bag and pulls out a knife, a BB Gun, a rope, and a
slingshot. Dink and Dank grab weapons.

Dink: We are stong.

Dank: We have weapons.

Cut to Ready Room.

Riker, Picard, and Data are sitting around the table. Worf enters.

Worf: Afternoon, everybody.

ALL: WORF!!!!!

Picard: Now that we are all here, we can start to figure how to get LaForge
        back.

Data: Well, ah, Johnny, I think we should try trading them something.

Worf: I say we destroy them.

Riker: I say we go to Reisa!

Picard: All interesting ideas, but I think Data's is the most proper.
        What can we offer them in trade?

Everyone looks at Data.

Data: Unlike a, ah, fine wine, that joke does not get better with age.

A beeping noise is heard.

Worf: The Pakkleds are hailing us.

Picard: On viewer.

The viewer switches to a shot of the Pakkleds, who now are dressed exactly like
Geordie.

Riker: Now how are we going to tell which is LaForge?

Donk: We are all Geordie's now!

Dink: You will never get him back.

Picard: Mr. Worf. Close channel. Prepare photon torpedoes.

Worf: Aye, sir.

Close up on Picard's face as we fade out.

COMMERCIAL
Music starts to play.

Hippy 1: Hey man is that Freedom Rock?

Hippy 2: No, man.

Hippy 1: Oh.

Fade back in to Picard staring at viewer.

Riker: Are you just going to let LaForge die?

Picard: Do we have another option?

Riker: What about Data's trade idea...

Picard: Oh, I forgot. Power down weapons, Worf.

Worf sighs and hits a button hard.

Picard: We are just going to have to use our brains.

ALL: Damn.

Cut to Pakkled ship.

Geordie: You guys are great, but...(yawns) I really must get going.

Dink: You go nowhere. You stay with us.

Geordie: But why? I fixed your ship, I gave you weapons. Sure, they weren't
         phasers, but still...

All 3 Pakkleds: PHASERS????

Cut back to Enterprise

Data: Captain, I have an idea.

Captain: Why am I not surprised.

Data: Most likely because no one else on the bridge is, ah, intellegent
      enough to offer advice.

Picard looks around the bridge. Riker is sleeping in his chair and Worf is
guzzling beer.

Picard: Point well taken. Now what is the idea?

Data: We could try my TRADE IDEA!!!!

Picard: Oh, of course...we haven't tried that yet, have we...Mr. Worf.

Worf dribbles on himself.

Worf: Yeah?

Picard: Hail the Pakkled ship.

Worf gets down on his knees.

Worf: Praise the Pakkleds. I hail thee!!!!

Picard: I meant open a channel to them.

Worf: Oh. (stands up) Just kidding, sir. Channel open.

Picard: Pakkled vessel. We request a discussion with you.

Screen switches to Donk.

Donk: What do you want now?

Picard: We wish to make a trade.

Donk: Speak.

Picard: We really want Mr. LaForge back.

Donk: And what would you give us for him?

Picard motions to Riker.

Donk: No way!

Picard points to Worf.

Donk: No, we want the android.

Picard: Agreed.

Data: But sir...

Picard: Close channel, Worf. Mr. Data, we are going to transport LaForge here
        and then tow their ship to Starbase 67.

Data: Ah, understood, sir.

Picard: Open channel....Donk, we are prepared to make the trade. Are you ready?

Donk nods.

Picard: Lower your shields....Lock onto Geordie, Mr. O'Brien. Energize.

O'Brien: Mr. LaForge is on board, sir.

Picard: Well done. Now, Donk, we will tow you to Starbase 67. You are under
        arrest.

Donk: You tricked us! We have weapons, we will attack.(hold up slingshot)

Picard: You gave them toys, LaForge, and they think they are weapons. Prepare
        tractor beam, Worf.

Geordie(from engine room): But sir, there's one thing I haven't told you.

Picard: And what might that be?

Suddenly the Enterprise rocks as it is hit by a phaser.

Worf: Sir, they SHOT us!!!

Close up on Picard as we fade out.

COMMERCIAL
"Coming this summer to theaters everywhere...."
We see a shadowy figure standing by a horse.

Figure: I'm back, dammit!
Screen switches to this outline (movie poster)
                     ----------------------------
                     -      - -                 -
                     -      -    -              -
                     -      -       -           -
                     -      -          -        -
                     -      -            -      -
                     -      -            -      -
                     -      -            -      -
                     -      -            -      -
                     -      -            -      -
                     -   - -             - -    -
                     - -                     -  -
                     ----------------------------
                      R    E   T   U   R    N   S


Fade into Pakkled ship firing at the Enterprise again. Cut to Enterprise bridge

Picard: Mr. Worf, increase power to shields, lock phasers.

Worf: Aye, sir.

Data: Incoming fire, sir.

The Big E rocks under the blast.

Picard: Damage report.

Worf: Decks 15-37 reporting heavy damage.

Picard: Repair crews to decks 15-37.

Worf: Well, are we going to fight back or what?

Picard: Ooops! I keep forgetting. Fire phasers and torpedoes.

Worf presses a button and torpedoes and phasers hit the Pakkled ship.

Worf: Their shields are gone. They are now disabled.

Data: Looks like the shoe is on the other hand now.

Riker: I think we better leave now, Captain.

Picard: Why?

Riker: They may have set their ship on self destruct.

Picard: (pauses and looks in the camera) NAH!!!

Worf: Sir, the Pakkleds have set their ship for self destruct!

Picard: What?

Worf: SIR....THE PAKKLEDS HAVE SET THEIR SHIP FOR SELF DESTRUCT!!!!

Picard: How fast can we get away?

Data: We cannot sir.

Picard: Why not?

Data: The Warp Drive System is off line.

Riker exits through the turbolift.

Picard: Engine room, can you bring it back on line?

Geordie: Bring what back on line?

Picard: THE WARP DRIVE SYSTEM!!!!

Geordie: Not for another fifteen minutes.

Picard: Umm....well, keep working.

Data: Captain, if I allocate full power to deflectors and shields, we may
      survive the blast.

Picard: Yeah, that should work.

Worf: Captain, there is a new energy reading on board the Pakkled ship. A
      pattern I've never seen before.

Picard: (looks on Worf's control panel) No....It can't be...

Picard looks to the left, where David Marcus is standing, wearing a Ben Kenobi
robe. He nods his head.

Picard: There goes the shield idea.

Data: It was a pleasure knowing you, sir.

Picard: Likewise, Data. Boy, I wish we had Warp Drive right NOW!

The Enterprise warps away, just as the Pakkled ship explodes.

Picard: YES!!! OH YEAH!!!WHOOOOOOO!!!! (Dances around the bridge with Worf)

Data: We have safely avoided the explosion.

Worf: You're kidding.

Data: I am not capable of that emotion.

Picard: Good work, LaForge.

Geordie:(in a fake Scottish accent) Cap'n ye better get down here. Better hurry
        sir.

Picard looks at Riker's empty chair and rushes toward the turbolift as we fade
out.

COMMERCIAL
Hulk Hogan: Hey, kids, have your parents buy you new Hulk Hogan vitamins. They
            can be taken either orally or intraveniously. Hulk Hogan Vitamins
            are the new champion of children's chewables.

Fade back in to the Engine Room, where a big group of Engineers are gathered
around.

Picard: What happened? Where's Riker?!

Geordie: Sir, the Main Reactor sprung a leak and shut down the Warp Engines.
         Riker plugged up the hole. (points at the Reactor which is not
         encased in glass.)
Riker is inside with his thumb stuck in a hole.
Picard rushes to the glass. LaForge and Barclay grab him.

Picard: He'll die.

Barclay: Sir, he's dead already.

Picard looks at Barclay then back at Riker. He breaks free of their grasp.

Picard:(knocks on glass) WILL!!!

Riker stands up, straightens his shirt and walks into the glass wall.

Riker: Don't grieve, Captain. Tis logical.

Picard: What do you know of logic?!

Riker: Let me finish.

Picard folds his arms across his chest.

Riker: Sir, I never took the Kobayashi Maru test.

Picard: Will, the Kobayashi Maru test was discontinued years ago.

Riker: Aha. So, that's why I never took it. I guess what I did here was pretty
       much stupid, huh?

Picard: Number Twelve, you saved the ship.You saved us all.

Riker: Hmmm..wonder if I'll get a spot on the new show.

Picard: New show...?

Riker: Yeah, Deep Throat Nine.

Picard: You mean Deep Space Nine.

Riker: Whatever. I have been, and always shall be your friend...

Riker slumps to the floor. Picard bows his head.

Picard:(weakly) no

Fade into the torpedo bay.

Picard: We are gathered here today to pay our final respects to our honored
        dead. And yet it should be noted that our sorrow is amidst the dawn
        of a new world. A world which our beloved comrade gave his life so
        readily to protect, and we will not dispute his infinite wisdom at
        these proceedings. He did not feel the sacrifice a vain or empty one.
        Of my brave friend I can only say this....of all the souls I have
        encountered in my travels....his was the most.........ummm.....
        interesting.

Data: Honors....hup!!!!

The capsule that Riker's body is in slowly travels down the tunnel thingee as
"Amazing Grace" is played over the intercom.
The capsule shoots out of the Enterprise and impacts with the newly formed
planet. The planet begins to explode all over the surface.

Picard: Oh no, we better get out of here.

The Enterprise warps away as the new planet explodes into millions of pieces.
Fade out, come back to titles and theme music.