HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: Ahn@pop.cis.yale.edu (Mos Eisley)
Subject: Re: Joy to the World
Followup-To: talk.bizarre
Organization: Yale University
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 08:02:27 GMT

> Truth, #3, truth is, this is #3, truth is _far_ more bizarre than fiction.

> Like, well, what I mean is, could I have made this guy up?  Nope.
> Could you?  Nope.  So why are we trying?  We're fucked.  We're
> playing pool against God and he's corked our cues to boot.
> Sometimes, folks, ya gotta know when to say when.

> So I've had it with fiction.  I'm going up to Yale, hogtie this boy
> and bring him back cast in a block of Lucite.  We're talking living
> room ornaments in the grand style here.  Yup.  And then whenever I
> feel the urge to write something, ever, ever again, in my life, I'll
> just look at, at this _thing_, and I'll say, "Could I come up with
> something like that?"  And the answer'll be no, it'll always be no,
> because I just don't have the talent.  You gotta be high to fly low.
 
> Is he a freshman?  I hope he's a freshman.  I don't want no wrinkles
> or nothing.  I want it pure, fresh, in the bud.  Gotta be primal.
> Gotta be.
 
Don't give up fiction though. Truth is sentenced to time and space,
requires miniscule verifications, and are probably untruths anyway. Truth
dies. Fiction is alternative truth. Fiction without pretense is infinite.
Fiction transcends truth.

The problem, of course, is that your fiction does have pretense and method
(to be bizarre). And that plasticity has made yourself easy to crack like
an empty egg. Your words drip like diarrhetic birdshit. For they are only
words built upon words, that mean nothing, for you fail to see.

That it was all a joke.

--
Mos Eisley  
MOS' RULE #74: The more you talk about it, the less inclined you are to do
it." 
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: YOU POISONOUS LITTLE ICE DWARFS, YOU!
Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 23:06:27 GMT

In <1992Dec20.070028.56032@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu> mlsa@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu
(MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN) demonstrates that his grasp of the Zen of
not-posting is still a bit shy of the mark:

> In article <BzDFt1.FDq@inews.Intel.COM>, dmccart@gomez.intel.com (D. J. McCarthy
>) writes:
>>>: Farewell and: don't freeze to fast!
>>       Gee, I thought that would have been "don't EAT to fast!"
>>--
>>D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@gomez.intel.com)
>>OSWALD - I didn't come here to shoot the President!
>>BOOTH  - He didn't come here to get shot...
>>                                         --from "Assassins" by Stephen Sondheim
>-- 
>my name is mike and i'm a .sig-a-holic, i have been virtually .sig free for
>ten days now, my life is so much clearer, i pledge to do my best to never
>have a long .sig again.  i don't need one because i'm good enough, i'm smart
>enough and god darnit, people like me.  ob info: mlsa@lehigh.edu, mike
>sherman phone# 758-0207 disclaimer, we don't neeeed no steeenking disclaimer.

I have no joke here, I just like saying "his grasp of the Zen of
not-posting."
From: tomf@gte.com (Tom Fawcett)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: things to do at Xmas parties
Date: 20 Dec 92 22:03:54 GMT
Reply-To: tomf@gte.com
Organization: GTE Laboratories, Inc.
In-reply-to: gooley@netcom.com's message of 15 Dec 92 22:27:07 GMT


If they have eggnog in one of those big crystal bowls, stand next to it
holding the ladle in the air like a club, bare your teeth and scream 
"I AM LORD OF THE EGGNOG AND NONE SHALL KNOW THE NOG BUT THROUGH ME!"
Then throw your head back and laugh uproariously at the ceiling.

Everyone else at the party will look at you with irritation and you will grin
sheepishly.

-Tom
works every time, or it would if I ever got invited back
From: kevin@wicat.com (Kevin Vigor)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Bad News
Date: 19 Dec 92 00:58:09 GMT
Organization: WICAT Systems


I choose to be the God of Lurkers. I will never post...

oh screw it.

-- 
		Peace & PopTarts, 
			Kevin
Email to the reply address will almost certainly bounce; use
72500.3705@compuserve.com
From: lordSnooty@cup.portal.com (Andrew - Palfreyman)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Danger At The Buffet
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 92 15:09:43 PST
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
Distribution: world

When I think of your average fanatical omnivore, a large man
with the drool coursing from the side of full wet lips, palm
rubbing ample belly and eyes feral bright as he bellows "I
just LOVE the smell of hot roasting suckling pig!!", I'm sure
that, given the choice at a party of forcing your way past a
man guarding his sweet roast piglet and a vegetarian with his
bowl of avocados, one would have an easier time with the avocados.
						--@lS
From: echeverr@scf.usc.edu (5150)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: ssc: sioux s. conf.
Date: 11 Dec 92 19:31:40 GMT
Organization: <censored>
NNTP-Posting-Host: girtab.usc.edu

In article <1992Dec11.135431.29560@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU> rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson) writes:
>>Late at night I have wished for sioux's hot, scathing tongue to
>>start a flamewar between my sheets for my hose to extinguish...
>>                              Long-Haired Freak (w/brain)
>>                                      Chuck <cbm102@psuvm.psu.edu>
>good to see PSU isnt going to give up its stupidity title to Lehigh
>or Skidmore without a fight.....

You forgot to mention Allegheny, home of the Forger Frosh. (q.v. alt.fan.dan-
quayle)

5150
public service announcement
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Subject: Re: Bah!
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 12:07:06 GMT

mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Mr. Wow") writes:


>Last week Paul Lord and Yong-Mi and RichH and I were down in Washington
>having lunch.  They all bad-mouthed my new signature, which is from
>Harry Truman.  Truman seems to be out of fashion.

>Nevertheless, I changed it for them.


>--
>                     'Bah!' said Scrooge, 'Humbug!'

very festive.
i like it.


Great to meet these two even if Yong-mi was late and Dominus had me convinced
that she was this 60 year old woman waiting in line.  

Paul Lord does an amazing Jesus impression, btw.

RICHH
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: pjm@isis.cshl.org (Pat Monardo)
Subject: Re: brain damage in Salt Lake City
Keywords: weasels rip my flesh
Organization: Cold Spring Harbor Labs
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 02:19:09 GMT

In article <1992Dec11.234645.15132@wicat.com> kevin@wicat.com (Kevin Vigor) writes:
>
>So I walk into my Automated Teller Machine (tm) (which, in these colder
>climes, tends to live in its own little heated glass-encased finiancial
>outhouse). On the wall, three-odd feet from the actual machine, I see a 
>sign reading "If you are disabled and unable to use this machine, please
>call 1-800-whatever".

at least it isn't homeless

>
>Then below it the message was repeated in braille.
>

actually it is a cruel joke i play to make blind people in 
teller machines think they are in elavators.

(reporting live from the void of the noreaster)
-- 
-- Pat Monardo
-- pjm@cshl.org
From: terri@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (St Theresa of the Net)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: SWM, 31, seeks SF near Boulder, Colorado
Date: 12 Dec 1992 17:21:33 GMT
Organization: Computing Something Division
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.7.4


In article <9212111927.39@rmkhome.UUCP> rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly) writes:
>In article <1992Dec10.183626.28600@netcom.com> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
>>I got the impression at the AngstCon that Xibo didn't like me much.
>You should have told him a skeleton joke.


No, here's a great skeleton joke, and it's like the only skeleton joke i've
ever laughed at, and probly because it was told by a guy that i wouldn't
have to be threatened with a gun to fuck, but here goes:

"A skeleton goes into a bar. The bartender says, what'll you have. The
skeleton says "A beer. and a MOP."


I guess you had to be there.

Then again, we'd have had *3* pitchers plus four glasses then.
-- 
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.   \  (414)CRUSH-13
T. Flynn's Casa de Interesting: 1755 N Cambridge Ave #306 Milwaukee WI 53202
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Mr. Wow")
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Comp. Sci PhD seeks companion.
Date: 14 Dec 92 07:25:35 GMT
Followup-To: misc.misc
Organization: Eaters of Wisdom
In-reply-to: gooley@netcom.com's message of 14 Dec 92 04:11:33 GMT

In article <1992Dec14.041133.28795@netcom.com> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
>   Mark., probably just what I'll be posting in 3 years

Except for the part about the girlfriend.
--

	 The worst thing in the world is when records are destroyed
Mark-Jason Dominus 	  			    mjd@central.cis.upenn.edu
From: echeverr@scf.usc.edu (5150)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: beets
Supersedes: <1gh8afINNebk@girtab.usc.edu>
Followup-To: poster
Date: 13 Dec 1992 22:09:00 -0800
Organization: <censored>
NNTP-Posting-Host: girtab.usc.edu
Keywords: beets frosh

In article <gbass.724311058@camelot> latarra@camelot.bradley.edu (Lisa Ehren) writes:
>What's red and shaped like a beet?
>
>an iceberg that's been made out of the piss of polar bears who have been
>eathing too many penguins who've been eating too many red beets!

What's red and misshapen?

Lisa Ehren after t.b is done beeting her.

>silly freshmen's minds

Question:  What do you call a phrase that contains a pleonasm and an oxymoron?

5150
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll)
Subject: clue cards (were Re: T.B Boxed Edition)
Originator: jcarroll@ferris
Organization: Cray Research, Inc.
Date: 11 Dec 92 20:04:33 CST


GO TO VOLCANO

GO DIRECTLY TO VOLCANO

DO NOT PASS CH4

DO NOT COLLECT 200 QUATLOOS

__

GET OUT OF VOLCANO FREE


Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll)
Subject: Re: realization
Originator: jcarroll@ferris
Organization: Dead Insufferable Bores Society
Date: 15 Dec 92 12:40:17 CST


In article <MJD.92Dec15110604@saul.cis.upenn.edu>, mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Angel of Wax") writes:
> In article <1992Dec15.032227.7937@netcom.com> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
> >   What I really need is a Boswell.
> 
> Mark., I realize you're not going to like this, and I hope you don't
> take it the wrong way, but Boswell is the literary figure with whom I've
> always most associated you.
> 
> What YOU really need is a Johnson.
> --

I think Gooley reads a lot like Pepys, personally.

No, wait. Finerty reads like Pepys. Gooley is more like St. Augustine.

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Subject: Re: something you should know...
Originator: ben@ipoint
Reply-To: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Organization: Ancient Illuminated Sears of Bavaria
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 05:42:44 GMT
Keywords: hate

bspencer@cs.mcgill.ca (Brian SPENCER) writes:

>People like you aren't usually worth the effort but I'll make a special
>exception.

People like you aren't usually worth the effort but I'll make a
special exception:

                *PLONK*
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: Re: what I really want to do
Organization: University of Central Florida
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 13:52:02 GMT

damianj@castle.ed.ac.uk (Damian Jackson) writes:

>I am rapidly becoming disillusioned with the
>prospect of the remaining years of a computer
>science degree.

>The fuck of it is that I want to do all the neato 
>maths in a maths honours degree, plus all the cool
>compsci stuff in a cs honours degree.

I've decided that what I really want to shoot for is not a
honours (honors?) degree, but rather an _honorary_ degree,
just for being such an extraordinary person.  Like the ones
they give to Bill Cosby every year or so.

mark
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (fun fun fun boy)
Subject: deer
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 02:05:07 GMT

i jammed the car into third gear instantly pushing the enging to six
thousand rmp and passing the four door american 'k' car with ease. a
hundred yards in front of me four deer stepped into the road. i hit the
brakes hard and managed to stop in plenty of time. three of the deer
continued across the five lanes to the other side, the other turned back
and stayed on the side of the road. i continued slowly towards the
university watching the sides of the road for any movement. the last thing
i need is to total my car because of some rat with hooves. i make it to u
without any more trouble. two hours later i'm back on the road again. as i
pass the spot where the deer were crossing earlier i see something that
brings a big grin to my face. two of the deer are lying dead on the side
of the road. i punch the gas on my car and hurry home as fast as i can to
get my knife. at last, finally i will get to perform the sacred ceremony.
i get home, run in and grab my knif and jump back in my car. i drive back
to the scene of death and pull my car off the road. it's late so there is
not too much traffic. i grab one of the deer and barely manage to pull it
off the side of the road into some brush. i rapidly gut the animal
savoring the rich smell of fresh entrails. then i wait. wait patiently for
an unsuspecting motorist to drive down this road. although it is late and
it is sunday night in utah there are still people out here and there. in
the distance i see headlights approaching. i strip off my clothes so that
i am buck (heh heh) naked except for my shoes. sure, there's snow on the
ground but being a little cold makes me all the more excited. i throw the
carcass on my back and get on my hands and knees. like this it almost
looks like a deer having a hard time walking if you don't look to close. i
stay in the brush though waiting until the time is right. i notice this
guy is going fairly fast, all the better. when he is about a hundred yards
away i stray into the street. he honks several times and i try to make the
deers head appear to look at the car. there is still plenty of room on the
street though and he pulls into the far lane. i move in front of his car
as fast as i can. he starts to swerve and then, while he is still looking
at me i stand upright letting the deer carcass fall to the ground in on
smooth motion and smile. i can see him scream as total confusion takes
over. meanwhile he fails to notice that he is swerving into a ditch on the
side of the road. i haul the deer carcass back into the brush and run back
to my car. i am covered in blood and other fluids. i take off when i hear
the guy yelling and screaming about some deer that changed into a human.
god, i love the winter.

i dedicate this one to gooley.  ciao, etc. 

--
			PJF--->Biochem. grad student
			      PUBLIC ENEMY #1
From: jws5@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JUSTIN WINSLOW SOLONYNKA)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: quote looking for a context
Date: 15 Dec 92 02:43:50 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1geri7INN96r@agate.berkeley.edu>, curtis@cs.berkeley.edu (Curtis Yar
vin) writes:
>"Poor fellow - look, his willie is all blacked over."
>c

Santa Claus in an unswept chimney?

sol  |  sorry about the door
--
From: operjfw@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Waldby)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: fey man
Date: 15 Dec 1992 04:13:46 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Department at Rose-Hulman
Reply-To: operjfw@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
NNTP-Posting-Host: g310b12.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu

I came here with dire news in my head, yet it is wiped
from existence as the bubbly-green beings wrap their
tentacles around me, squeezing. They won't let me
go, and the key to the universe slips through my
fingers. I see it drop down the crack in the floor.

Like the golden hare, it falls to the ground hidden.
And in similar fashion, a dog pisses on the ground
above it.

Maybe I'll write a book.

That's the only way I can salvage this life.
From: bhoughto@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: CUTE BUTT
Date: 12 Dec 1992 22:07:52 GMT
Organization: Intel Corp., Chandler, Arizona
NNTP-Posting-Host: stealth.intel.com

In article <1992Dec12.023609.25552@atlantis.uucp> aaron%atlantis@kakwa.ucs.ualberta.ca writes:
>When I was in West Side Story four years or so ago, I was
>forced to wear jeans for my part.  I was not happy with
>it--I hate jeans, or blue jeans at least-- but I did it
>anyway.  I got more compliments on my appearance during
>that short period than I did in the entire rest of my
>life.  Make your own conclusions.


It was the high heels and the way you bitched-out Maria
in the apartment scenes.

				--Blair
				  "Rita Moreno can suck my dick."

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley)
Subject: dielectric materialism
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 20:41:56 GMT

Nerds of the world, unite...

Mark., sigh
gooley@netcom.com
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Subject: Re: Simpsons Quote Program
Originator: ben@ipoint
Reply-To: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Organization: Ancient Illuminated Sears of Bavaria
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 22:42:45 GMT

glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier) writes:

*plonk*
From: lwall@netlabs.com (Larry Wall)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Newbies (was: Re: Whatever happened to Amy S. Kahn?)
Date: 12 Dec 92 01:41:21 GMT
Organization: NetLabs, Inc.

In article <Byz7tw.CB4@mentor.cc.purdue.edu> prokopy@sage.cc.purdue.edu (dave) writes:
: (Larry Wall) writes:
: >(HWRNMNBSOL) writes:
: >: Here's a rule of thumb: if you have to ask, you're a newbie.  If you're sure
: >: you aren't a newbie, you're a newbie.  If you just aren't sure, you're a 
: >: newbie.  But wait a second!  Doesn't that make everybody a newbie?!
: >: 
: >: If your answer is 'no', then you are not a newbie.
: >No.
: 
: doesn't this mean he's sure he's not a newbie; and therefore, by
: definitition, he's a newbie?

I liked the way I put it better.

Larry
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: A rude awakening
Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 01:29:42 GMT

In <1gqp29INN73e@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> an072@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Richard White) writes:
>   I never realized just how much time I waste reading t.b until I
>   started getting kicked off every hour,
                                           ^ PLEASE INSERT ANOTHER TEN CENTS
                                             FOR ANOTHER THREE MINUTES.

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gerald@torolab4.vnet.ibm.com (Gerald Oskoboiny)
Subject: Re: Simpsons Quote Program
Originator: gerald@gerald
Date: 18 Dec 92 00:39:52 GMT
Reply-To: gerald@torolab4.vnet.ibm.com
Organization: Ministry of Noises

glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier) writes:

>Just wanted to tell you all that at ftp.cs.widener.edu 
>                                 in pub/swbaker/simpsons 
>there is a ZIPped IBM program called "Simp.Exe" which will randomly display
>one of about 500 quotes from the show when run. 'index' in the same dir is
>a list of other files there


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                                  INSERT COIN
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: In Search Of
Date: 18 Dec 92 18:59:46 GMT
Organization: NASA Langley Research Center and Reptile Farm
NNTP-Posting-Host: grissom.larc.nasa.gov

In article <1gt122INNpsq@master.cs.rose-hulman.edu> jdavidso@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu writes:
>Well, it's not really one sentence, but seeing this reminds me of one of  
>Neil Young's song off of "Trans", the title of which escapes me. He only  
>says the following for about 9 minutes of music: "Got mashed potatoe,  
>ain't got no t-bone".

"A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme."
-- John Coltrane
    (after ruining his mind with drugs and becoming born-again)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.politics.correct
From: gerald@cs.UAlberta.CA (Gerald Oskoboiny)
Subject: Re: You guys let me down
Followup-To: talk.bizarre,misc.test,alt.newbie,alt.best.of.internet
Organization: University of Alberta, Edmonton, Canada
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 21:50:43 GMT

ata@sage.cc.purdue.edu (ata boy) writes:

>I made a bet with this guy that if I were to post a number of
>"politically incorrect" articles on the network that there would
>not be a major effort from the political correctness crowd to
>silence me.


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         #       ######   ####   #    #  #    #


Gerald
From: hoppie@nemesis.East.Sun.COM (Tom Hopkins)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Oldies show from the future
Date: 19 Dec 1992 01:16:03 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc., Billerica, MA. 
Distribution: world
Reply-To: hoppie@nemesis.East.Sun.COM
NNTP-Posting-Host: nemesis.east.sun.com

In article <92Dec15141528@wilbur.unh.edu>, osa@wilbur.unh.edu (Bart Simps.. er.. Oktay Ahiska) writes:
>
>                                                                 And
>they played One Night In Bangkok,

Was it the version by Murray Head or Robey?  I remember back when we
had a local video channel in the Boston area (V66, partially owned by
Arnie "Woo Woo" Ginsburg, now a home shooping network.) There was a
phone poll to see which people preferred.  Murray Head won, but I think
Robey was cheated.  It made me happy when she got that starring role in
"Friday the 13th: The Series."

>WUNH 91.3 FM. Clearly the best radio station in the area. 

WBMT 88.3 Is the best.  Or at least it was when I was a DJ there.  But
that was a few years ago.

-Tom Hopkins <hoppie@tubo.east.sun.com>
From: jake@introl.com (Joel Jacobson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Carasso
Date: 17 Dec 1992 08:05:36 -0600
Organization: Introl Corp.
NNTP-Posting-Host: introl.introl.com

This is my favorite post of the week (although this has probably been
followed up by now, since I havent read news in about a week and a half):

followed up by carmien@tramp.Colorado.EDU (CARMIEN STEFAN):
>In alt.sex.carasso, raistlin@krazykat.engin.umich.edu (Douglas Treder ) writes:
>>
>>Keywords: 
>>
>>
>>What is this group for? What is a carasso?
>I might be wrong (the spelling looks odd to me) but
>my understanding is that 'carasso' refers to the 
>quaint practice of cutting of ones oxygen supply 
>(read strangling your self) while masturbating. Apparntly
>this gives one tremendous orgasms, and I have heard that
>several people (this is usually done by men, at least I 
>haven't heard of a woman) die annualy in this very embarrasing
>and useless fasion. 


jake "oh the metaphors..."
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre