From: v130py5w@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: The wonderful world of recovery
Summary: A letter to my INVISIBLE perp
Keywords: contains misspellings and gramar erros! :)
Date: 6 Apr 92 15:39:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <43961@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, sabolps2@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Paul Sabol) writes...
>As an added intro let me say I don't think anything here is very
>out of this world...but if you have a VERY weak and sensitive 
>feeling about reading about abuse stories...you may wish to proceed
>with caution.  This is finally my letter to my perp.  I didn't know
>who I wanted to post to first so I talked to Nicky (my inner 5 year
>old).  I would usually have talked to Blaise (My inner pre-teen - he
>is 12) but for some reason I didn't...  Well Nicky suggested that I 
>write to that thing I was reading about...I was reading about the
>archetype of the shadow by CG Jung.  I was not sure what he ment so
>I asked.  He said, "wite to du ba guy we can't see."  So then it hit
>me...I was to write to that PERP (that I feel exhists) but do not know
>and in that way I am writing to an archetype and writing to all my 
>perps (those known and unknown) as well as (in some sence) to all perps
>I am writing to the essence of perps (not to make a generalization) but 
>to say...I am willing to share my successes with you if you feel your
>perp is difined as is mine here...READY TO GO?
> 
>Yes, this letter is to you!
> 
>You who hide in the dark corners of my mind.  you exposed me to yourself,
>but now you hide just outside of reach.  Perhaps you think you can
>stay there forever?  Perhaps you think that the darkness can protect
>you?  Well, I know better!  The darkness has only helped you to get
>sick and blind.  Your blindness makes your protection its own mock.
>For even when you're finally brought to light you will not see.  You
>will think you are safe, hidden; but no, you in all your hidious,
>pathetic depraivity will be seen for what you are.
> 
>But I have more to say then just you fate.  For once exposed and
>liberated of your legacy I care not what becomes of you.  But now
>I want you to know what you did.  I have takled to me as a child.
>I have seen the photos of that happy, loving, and cared for child.
>Yes, the one I can hardly remember now.  And when he talks...when
>I remember him, I cringe at what you did.  You took a trusting,
>pure, little helpless boy and twisted his world.  But you couldn't
>even do that right?  Even with his not fully developed mental 
>capacities he left you!  Even as he had learned abondonment from
>OUR father and others he abondoned part of ourself but in doing so
>abandoned ALL OF YOU.  Even your memory was wiped away (and still
>is).  He, I really belive, may even have known and trusted that I
>would one day come to his rescue and get him back and give him the
>love he wanted, needed, and deserved!  But in his most heroic act -
>a festering wound was left.  He knew he was sifferent - DARE I SAY
>SPECIAL?  But for his own sake he did not know why?  But he grew.
>Physically he grew as any other boy with a slow biological clock.
>Emotionally he grew as someone only half-human...someone dead...
>his emotions were the binding of Issac (and only know has the order
>been revoked by divine decree freeing me to be emotional).  However,
>you know this...mentally he became a STAR...I have often wondered 
>about how strong he must have been to go from a boy to a little man
>almost overnight.  He was able to do this even with you there, in 
>his mind, as an ever presant cancer waiting to spread.  He was doing
>what he could and I aplaud him for it all!  He was able to cut from
>himself the hurt, pain, and much of the shame...and all in all find
>himslef in the pursuits of grade school academia...
> 
>But you...oh yes...you had other plans.  As long as you were traped...
>unable to excape...unable to be herd except is seems by me in dreams
>and 'evil, destructive' thoughts.  You kept up the relentless attack.
>You possessed my mind with a desire to be used.  Your messages 
>were clear...they said, "You can get attention if you do certain 
>things" worked like a charm.  So even as you decayed in my mind you
>leaked onto me.  Like a disease you spread.  And the legacy continued.
>The list is long...people who I thought were friends...I/WE/THEY/ YOU
>Yes you came out 'to play' once more.  Me the journeyperson looking
>for love, friendship, and care kept finding YOU!  Kept thinking you 
>were and we (Nicky, Blaise and I) were not!  But this can be said, you
>were and are currupt power.  You are vile ad poluting.  I hate you!
>How do you like that - I hate you now.  Then I trusted, then I forgot
>just to keep you safe (you know I wanted to be in a safe world and be
>safe), but now it is you I hate...and you how is unsafe...the twilight
>that you are in only speaks of a new dawing of consciousness for you...
>and your subsuquent death...a cermony that no one will attend!
> 
>As a final note, let me say this...in the immortal words of Ice Cube
>you picked the wrong Nigger to Fuck With!  You have lost - you will 
>die.  I will have my childhood back.  I will be a happy, successful
>person in all that being so can mean.  And best of all you will have
>none of it...you will be mine as a matter of FACT.  You will be just
>one more memory (oh not a festering memory in the dark) but an
>illuminated memory - one that will be there for me to draw on and no
>longer act out on.  It will be a real, fully integrated experience 
>with all the feelings, thoughts, and reallity of life.  I will pull you
>up from teh pit from time to time and say, "See this?"  In my art,
>in my writing, and best of all in my teaching.  Yes, you - of all
>people - will be a warning to countless little boys and girls that
>would otherwise find themselves at your whim and fancy since I will
>tell them...I will trust them...I will belive them...I will love them.
>I guess you just plain lose?  But I win...Nicky, Blaise and Paul all
>win!


< I love this!!! It is so good that it almost brought tears to my eyes
< I applaud your courage!!!!!!!

< ReNeE
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery