HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Just an old-fashioned story
From: graham@otago.ac.nz
Date: 15 Apr 92 09:20:30 +1300
Organization: University of Otago, Dunedin, New Zealand


There were 3 sisters with rather old-fashioned names: Edith,
Fanny and Gertrude.  They had many things in common, they were
all very attractive but they had just one "shortcoming", they
had big feet.  Edith took a large size 9 shoe, Fanny an enormous size
12 and Gertrude a creditable size 10.

One night, Edith and Gertrude went out with 2 boys.  At the end
of the evening the boys said to the girls "you are very 
attractive girls but we are puzzled as to why you have such big
feet."  The girls answered "You think that we have big feet!
Wait until you see our Fanny's."

Graham

Xref: sparky aus.jokes:499 rec.humor:15778
From: 9016918d@lux.latrobe.edu.au (Cameron Rash )
Newsgroups: aus.jokes,rec.humor
Subject: <None>
Keywords: possibly old
Date: 6 Apr 92 07:03:20 GMT
Organization: La Trobe University


Situation: Patient in Doctor's room 

Doctor to Patient: I've got some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Give me the good news first
Doctor: The good news is you've got a month to live
Patient: THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS!! WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS??
Doctor: The bad news is I found out three weeks ago!

Ha ha ha


Crashy
9016918d@lux.latrobe.edu.au
From: 8914437l@levels.unisa.edu.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: abstract humour
Date: 8 Apr 92 05:52:13 GMT
Organization: University of South Australia

I'm a real fan of abstract humour like the following:

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?

A:      because someone threw a fridge at him!


Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?

A:      a red bucket!


Q: What's green and brown and would kill you if it fell on you?

A:      a pool table!


has anyone else out there heard any other's like this? post them if you have!

--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Andrew "Killer" Kulikovsky                Be alert...the world needs lerts! |
|------------------------------------+----------------------------------------|
|  B.App.Sc (Hons) Computer Studies  | The wise men looked for Jesus Christ...|
|                                    | and so it is today.                    |
| send email to:                     |                                        |
|   kulikovsky@unisa.edu.au          |        - Look to Jesus Christ!         |
+------------------------------------+----------------------------------------+

               - People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
From: phs472t@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: BORED
Date: 9 Apr 92 02:55:37 GMT

> ObJoke:
> (For those musicians out there)
> 
> What do you call some-one that hangs around with a band?
> 
> A drummer.

	How about:-

	What do you get when you cross a drummer with a roadie?

	An even dumber drummer.

-- 
-------------------------------
  Andy Wildes                 |    I want to give you every inch of my love...
Department of Physics         |    Got a whole lotta love  (na na na na)...
Monash University             |
Clayton, Vic                  |		(You better believe it!)
-------------------------------
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: c8908461@jupiter.newcastle.edu.au (ROBERT LAWRENCE LANG)
Subject: Re: Computers are getting faster, faster
Organization: Uni of Newcastle, Australia
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 08:11:52 GMT

eepjm@wombat.newcastle.edu.au (Peter Moylan) writes:

>Noticed in Saturday's Newcastle Herald: an article about a new computer
>with a speed of "32 billion gigaflops per second".

>Now 32 gigaflops is pretty good, and 32 billion gigaflops would
>be really impressive.  But 32 billion gigaflops *per second*
>(i.e. 32 billion billion floating point operations per second per
>second) really boggles the mind.

>They must have had a floating point accelerator.
>-- 
>Peter Moylan                      eepjm@wombat.newcastle.edu.au

Reminds me of a joke probably already published :

"Cray have just developed a new 'palmtop' computer.  It runs at >99Mhz, 
capable of many million floating point operations per second, contains
2 gigabytes of hard drive storage as well as CD-ROM facilities, has
hardward support for 3D vector-filled graphics and raytracing...
all this fits in the palm of your hand and includes a full-colour 
fold-out screen..."

What's the first question when this machine is released to the public ???

IS IT I.B.M. COMPATIBLE ???

Robert.

Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: charlieb@tplrd.tpl.oz.au (Charlie Brady)
Subject: Re: Request for NZ and Tassie Jokes  OFFENSIVE
Organization: Telectronics Pacing Systems
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 04:29:55 GMT

In article <1992Apr6.122609.1@fennel.cc.uwa.oz.au> d_omeara@fennel.cc.uwa.oz.au writes:
>
>There was this Tasmanian guy, Philip Reichert (who later moved to NSW).
>
>Philip had met a beautiful Tasmanian girl, and, as is the custom with 
>inbred hillbillies, he went to see his father, to discuss marrying her.
 [....]
>
>"Is she a virgin?"  Dad asked.
>
>"No" replied Philip.

Shouldn't this be "yes"??

>
>"Well I'm sorry son, I can't let you marry her.  If she's not good enough 
>for her family, she's certainly not good enough for ours."
>
>Dave 

-- 
Charlie Brady | Telectronics Pacing Systems,  | charlieb@tplrd.tpl.oz.au
Urger         | 2 Sirius Road, Lane Cove 2066 NSW Australia
612 413 6838  | Ghandi, when asked what he thought of 'Western Civilisation',
FAX 413 6789  |                "I think it would be a good idea".
From: tom@minnie.cs.su.OZ.AU (Thomas James Jones)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: BORED
Date: 14 Apr 92 03:04:04 GMT

In article <1992Apr9.125537.88544@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au>, phs472t@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au writes:
|> > ObJoke:
|> > (For those musicians out there)
|> > 
|> > What do you call some-one that hangs around with a band?
|> > 
|> > A drummer.
|> 
|> 	How about:-
|> 
|> 	What do you get when you cross a drummer with a roadie?
|> 
|> 	An even dumber drummer.
|> 
|> -- 
|> 

	Or, 
	Q: why do roadies always go '1','2','1','2'...
	A: Because if they could go '1','2','3','4' they'd be drummers.

	somehow I think this loses something 'on paper'...

	anyhow,

	tom j. jones
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: engjs@wombat.newcastle.edu.au (James Smith)
Subject: Re: Request for NZ and Tassie Jokes
Organization: University of Newcastle, AUSTRALIA
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1992 21:34:36 GMT

	A New Zealand farmer wanted to build a shed, so he called in a
contractor to level the land.
	"As you can see, I've marked out the area I want levelled.  I
especially want you to be very careful and not touch that tree over
there or that one over there."
	"What's so special about those two trees?"
	"Well, it was under that tree that I first made love to my
girlfriend."
	"And the other one?"
	"That's where her mother stood and watched us do it."
	"Her mother stood and watched you?  What did she say???"
	"Baaa."

Jim
-- 
James J Smith             | One of the biggest obstacles to the future
School of Engineering     | of computing is C. C is the last attempt
Newcastle University      | of the high priesthood to control the
engjs@cc.newcastle.edu.au | computing business. It's like the scribes
--------------------------+ and the Pharisees who did not want the
masses to learn to read and write.                  -- Jerry Pournelle
From: rxkgt@minyos.xx.rmit.oz.au (George Tzanatos)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Joan Kirner joke.
Keywords: It might be old but it's a new one to me.
Date: 10 Apr 92 16:11:05 GMT
Organization: RMIT Computer Centre, Melbourne Australia.

gareth@lucifer.latrobe.edu.au (Gareth Davies) writes:


>Q: What's the difference between a big, fat pig and Joan Kirner?

>A: The lipstick.

A2: One will feed a starving nation...
From: Dean.Heather@f304.n670.z3.fx.cec.edu.au (Dean Heather)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Request for NZ and Tassie Jokes
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1992 19:31:00 +1000

How did the new zealand farmer find his sheep in the long grass ?
Very satisfactory

What do you call a new zealand farmer ?
pimp

A ventriquilist whent down to see his mate who owns a farm < new zealand >
and when he was given a guided tour around the farm, he threw his voice to the
 chickens " feed me" the chickens said and the farmer nearly fell over , so he
fed the chickens much to the amusement of the vent. as they went past the cows
 the cows said " feed me"  and the farmer once again fell over backwards and
 fed the cows, the came upon some sheep and the farmer said " if these sheep
 say anything they are lying"

And then theres a new zealand virgin, thats a sheep that can run faster than
 the farmer

want more ?

give me a yell and will be glad to oblige :-)

 * Origin: Tassie DataBank Line #2, D'Bridge Tasmania 1300mb V32 (3:670/304)
From: gareth@lucifer.latrobe.edu.au (Gareth Davies)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Joan Kirner joke.
Summary: Fairly rude, in bad taste, but I think it's funny.
Keywords: It might be old but it's a new one to me.
Date: 7 Apr 92 05:25:39 GMT
 <1992Apr6.122609.1@fennel.cc.uwa.oz.au> <1992Apr7.015311.5800@cam.compserv.utas.edu.au>
Organization: La Trobe University


Q: What's the difference between a big, fat pig and Joan Kirner?

A: The lipstick.



gareth@lucifer.latrobe.edu.au
From: da@cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson,417,51060)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: BORED
Date: 7 Apr 92 21:42:39 GMT
Reply-To: da@cs.uq.oz.au
Organization: Department of Computer Science, The University of Queensland

>"Chairman of the Bored" - Alice Cooper(?)

Daery deary, None other than the emaciated one ... Iggy Pop

ObJoke:
(For those musicians out there)

What do you call some-one that hangs around with a band?

A drummer.

---
-da@cs.uq.oz.au----------------------------------------------------------------
   Having trouble knowing which way to dress?
   Don't dress to the left! Don't dress to the right!                          
   Dress like me .. Dress for success!      - SHITSU TONKA (For swingers only!)
From: phs472t@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Request for Poem
Date: 13 Apr 92 04:15:54 GMT

Does anyone out there know the poem "The Dog's Meeting"?  I think it is a poem
by Henry Lawson, but I can't find it anywhere.  This is perhaps not surprising,
as the poem is a bit naughty.

This poem was done as a Leunig cartoon, and basically tells the story about the
beginning of time, when all the dogs go to a meeting/ball.  As was dog's
courtesy of the day, they all took of their backsides at the door, and hung
them up on hooks.  Later in the evening some young whippersnapper yells out
"FIRE!!!", and in the panic and confusion that followed, the dogs raced out and
grabbed the first backside they got their paws on.  Needless to say the
backsides got hopelessly muddled up, and that is why to this day when two dogs
meet they sniff each other's backsides - to try to work out if it's theirs.

This poem was also recited (or at least the first two verses) on that legend of
Australian Cinema.."Smiley Gets A Gun".  I can recite these two verses, but if
anyone knows the complete poem I would be eternally grateful if you could post
it or mail it (or even do both!  That would be the best) to me.

Here's the first two verses to jog your memory:

	The dogs, they had a meeting.
	They came from Near and Far.
	Some, they came by Railway train,
	And some by Motorcar.

	But 'ere inside the meeting hall,
	They weren't allowed a look
	Until they took their arseholes off
	And hung 'em on a hook.

(the rest to come, hopefully)

Thanks in anticipation...

-- 
-------------------------------
  Andy Wildes                 |    I want to give you every inch of my love...
Department of Physics         |    Got a whole lotta love  (na na na na)...
Monash University             |
Clayton, Vic                  |		(You better believe it!)
-------------------------------
From: 8914437l@levels.unisa.edu.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: dumb students
Date: 13 Apr 92 05:15:54 GMT
Organization: University of South Australia



Okay Chaps,
        Never say that students aren't bright.  This was overheard in the
computing lab at the Uni of South Australia's Levels Campus.


SITUATION
        Student (who was obviuosly not too bright...) sitting in front of a
Macintosh, looking through the lists of public domain software available.

He Finds a nice one called 'Gatekeeper'......


"Hey Fellas, I've found a game!!!!"

--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Andrew "Killer" Kulikovsky                Be alert...the world needs lerts! |
|------------------------------------+----------------------------------------|
|  B.App.Sc (Hons) Computer Studies  | The wise men looked for Jesus Christ...|
|                                    | and so it is today.                    |
| send email to:                     |                                        |
|   kulikovsky@unisa.edu.au          |        - Look to Jesus Christ!         |
+------------------------------------+----------------------------------------+

               - People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: timh@extro.ucc.su.OZ.AU (Timothy James Hatfield)
Subject: Re: Computers are getting faster, faster
Organization: Uni Computing Service, Uni of Sydney, Australia
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 10:46:37 GMT

In article <1992Apr6.160634.1@wombat.newcastle.edu.au> eepjm@wombat.newcastle.edu.au (Peter Moylan) writes:
>Noticed in Saturday's Newcastle Herald: an article about a new computer
>with a speed of "32 billion gigaflops per second".
>
>Now 32 gigaflops is pretty good, and 32 billion gigaflops would
>be really impressive.  But 32 billion gigaflops *per second*
>(i.e. 32 billion billion floating point operations per second per
>second) really boggles the mind.
>
>They must have had a floating point accelerator.
>-- 
>Peter Moylan                      eepjm@wombat.newcastle.edu.au

Sorry to be a pedantic bastard, but what does anything "per second per second"
mean exactly ? Or was that part of the "joke" ??

Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: sck@watson.ibm.com (Scott C. Kennedy)
Subject: Missing subject header
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 22:40:51 GMT
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM
Organization: IBM T.J. Watson Research Center

In article <703027853.F00002@csource.oz.au>, Dean.Heather@f304.n670.z3.fx.cec.edu.au (Dean Heather) writes:
|> * Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you are
|> following a heap of bikkies.

Bikkies are quite dangerous when honked. With their sharp pointy teeth...

-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scott C. Kennedy (sck@watson.ibm.com)  | This post does not reflect the intent 
Distributed High Performance Computing | or actions of my employer, and their 
IBM Thomas J. Watson Research Facility | actions don't reflect mine either.:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************** CAUTION: DEADLIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD **********************
"Venn ist das nurnstuck git und Slotermeyer?
 Ja! Beigerhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: gthomas@ecr.mu.oz.au (Glynn_Ronald THOMAS)
Subject: wedding jokes
Keywords: weddings jokes
Organization: Computer Science, University of Melbourne, Australia
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 07:19:38 GMT





A friend of mine is getting married very soon and I need a big list of
Wedding jokes.  I would be appriecated if some with a list of them could
email them to me as soon as possible.

   Glynn


email address :  gthomas@ecr.mu.OZ.AU

Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: sue@netcom.com (Sue Miller)
Subject: Re: Request for NZ and Tassie Jokes  OFFENSIVE
Date: Mon, 06 Apr 92 22:17:09 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Summary: screwed up punchline...

In article <1992Apr6.122609.1@fennel.cc.uwa.oz.au> d_omeara@fennel.cc.uwa.oz.au writes:
>
>There was this Tasmanian guy, Philip Reichert (who later moved to NSW).
>
>Philip had met a beautiful Tasmanian girl, and, as is the custom with 
>inbred hillbillies, he went to see his father, to discuss marrying her.
>
>"Dad, I have met the most beautiful girl (with polished wooden teeth 
>and fantastic tits), and I want to marry her" he asked.
>
>"Well son, before I agree, tell me a bit about her."
>
>"Ok, Dad" Philip replied, "she is a lawyer, with a high paying job, drives
>a Merecedes, cooks the greatest apple turnover you have ever tasted, and
>loves me more than anything in the world."
>
>"Is she a virgin?"  Dad asked.
>
>"No" replied Philip.
 ^^^
"YES" replied Philip.  The joke doesn't work unless she IS a virgin.

>"Well I'm sorry son, I can't let you marry her.  If she's not good enough 
>for her family, she's certainly not good enough for ours."
>

Also, the joke is usually told without a useless bit where the
hillbilly is named.  I suppose "Phillip Reichert" is someone you
know that you want to annoy. :-)
From: geoff@fulcrum.oz.au (Geoff Halprin)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: BORED
Date: 10 Apr 92 09:38:09 GMT
Organization: The Fulcrum Consulting Group

In <399@parasol.cs.uq.oz.au> s308234@parasol.cs.uq.oz.au (Christopher J Biggs) writes:

>>>
>>>What do you call some-one that hangs around with a band?
>>>
>>>A drummer.

Q. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A. Saliva

===============================================================================
   _--_|\	Geoff Halprin			email: geoff@fulcrum.oz.au
  /      \	Technology Director		Phone: +61-3-481-6188
  \_.--._/ 	The Fulcrum Consulting Group	Fax:   +61-3-482-4161
        ^here	611 Brunswick Street,
	v	North Fitzroy, VIC 3068, AUSTRALIA
===============================================================================
Date:  8 Apr 92 01:54:45 GMT
From: camh@socs.uts.edu.au (Cameron Hutchison)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Computers are getting faster, faster

timh@extro.ucc.su.OZ.AU (Timothy James Hatfield) writes:

>In article <1992Apr6.160634.1@wombat.newcastle.edu.au> eepjm@wombat.newcastle.edu.au (Peter Moylan) writes:
>>Noticed in Saturday's Newcastle Herald: an article about a new computer
>>with a speed of "32 billion gigaflops per second".
>>
>>Now 32 gigaflops is pretty good, and 32 billion gigaflops would
>>be really impressive.  But 32 billion gigaflops *per second*
>>(i.e. 32 billion billion floating point operations per second per
>>second) really boggles the mind.
>>
>Sorry to be a pedantic bastard, but what does anything "per second per second"
>mean exactly ? Or was that part of the "joke" ??

Acceleration.  It would seem that the longer you use one of these computers,
the faster it gets.  Looks like thats the end of the processor speed wars.
This one cant lose.

--
Cameron Hutchison   --  camh@socs.uts.edu.au
Beware of the clams.
From: Dean.Heather@f301.n670.z3.fx.cec.edu.au (Dean Heather)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Lawyers
Date: Wed, 08 Apr 1992 20:59:00 +1000

* In a message on 31-03-92 at 01:11 originally to All, Andrew Tune said:
 AT > Told to me by a lawyer, this was new to me.  Hope it's not
 AT > old to you:
 AT > Q. Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
 AT > A. Professional courtesy.

not bad, not bad  :-)  I couldn't help noting that this is one of the jokes
 used in leisure suit larry when the comedian stands up and does his routine
in
 the casino.

regards

Deano

 * Origin: Tassie DataBank Line #3, D'bridge Tasmania 1300mb V32 (3:670/301)
From: Dean.Heather@f301.n670.z3.fx.cec.edu.au (Dean Heather)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: read this
Date: 8 Apr 92 10:54:00 GMT
Article-I.D.: csource.702816137.F00006

Heres a good one I found while searching through some files I
had hope you like it..

To: The Manager
The Republican Insurance Company

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information.

In Clause #3 of the accident report I put "poor planning" as
the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully, and I trust that the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the first day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500
pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down
by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley
winch, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building
at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went
up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks
into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope
holding it tightly to ensure the slow descent of the 500
pounds of bricks. You will note in clause #11 of the report
you will see that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked of my feet so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid speed up the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met
the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and
broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
ascent, not stoping until the fingers on my right hand were
wedged deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the
rope tightly in spite of the pain. At approximately the same
time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground- and split
open the bottom, devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. Once again I
refer to clause #11 ...As you can imagine, I began  a rapid
decent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up, This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the
lacerations to the lower part of my body. The encounter with
the barrel slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report however, that as I lay on the bricks- In
pain- unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six
storeys above me- I again lost my presence of mind- I LET GO
OF THE ROPE.

I hope this covers your request for your consideration

Thank You



 * Origin: Tassie DataBank Line #3, D'bridge Tasmania 1300mb V32 (3:670/301)
From: Dean.Heather@f304.n670.z3.fx.cec.edu.au (Dean Heather)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: still more
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1992 19:21:00 +1000

HOW YOU CAN TELL IF IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY

* You wake face down on the pavement

* You call the suicide prevention unit and they put you on
hold

* You arrive at work and find the 60 Minutes team waiting

* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and you can't find them

* You turn on the news and they show escape routes from the
city

* You wake and find your waterbed has sprung a leak and then
realise that you don't have a waterbed

* Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you are
following a heap of bikkies.

* Your spouse wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache

* Your boss tells you don't bother taking your coat off

* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture

* You call your answering machine and it tells you to mind
your own business

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse

* Your income tax cheque bounces

* You put both contact lenses in one eye

* Your pet rock snaps at you

* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

* You walk into work and find your dress is stuck in the back
of your panty hose

* Your wife says, "good morning bill" and your name is George

* Your car, house payments and your girlfriend are three weeks
late

 * Origin: Tassie DataBank Line #2, D'Bridge Tasmania 1300mb V32 (3:670/304)