From: klotz@lclark.edu (Gretchen Klotz)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Why are parents like that?
Date: 22 Aug 92 00:15:38 GMT
Article-I.D.: lclark.1992Aug22.001538.22757
Organization: Lewis & Clark College, Portland OR

I've pondered on this one, too.  Contrast my mom and my dad, who split up
when I was 8.  My brother and I lived with my dad in the suburbs, and
visited my mom in the Philadelphia on weekends.

Now, somehow, my mom had figured out that the safest place in the city for
her kids was a gay male neighborhood.  This was in 1972!  So I grew up at
18th and Spruce, primo fag cruise territory in the 70s and 80s.  She was
very permissive, encouraging me and my brother to, if we were going to
anyway, experiment with drugs and sex at home (which we did).  This was
actually very crafty on her part, because it took away the allure of
acting out rebellions with either of these issues.

My dad, on the other hand, was extremely restrictive and repressive with
me. 

Yet contrary to what you'd expect, today it's my dad who is more
understanding and accepting of me as a lesbian and my mom who has
*tremendous* judgments (and assumptions) about me.  Whenever I get into a
serious discussion with her, she always refers to her inability to see the
merits of going against "the way men and women fit together biologically"
and "limiting" myself, which means that I don't relate to men the way she
does and thinks I should.  This last part is very ironic, since coming out
as a lesbian has opened up a whole world of friendships with men (esp.
straight) that wasn't there before.  I actually have much more intimate
friendships with men than I was capable of before I came out.  But I guess
friendships aren't as important to her as they are to me.  (That's who
*lasts* in my life!) So my mother and I are no longer intimate.  I don't
think she's noticed this; I don't lie to her, but I no longer give details
about my rel'ps (friends or lovers), and won't discuss my deep feelings
about *anything* with her.  She's so busy having a rel'p with her idea of
me as a daughter that she's disappointed in, that she's stopped having one
with the real me.  (Is this making sense, or am I getting too abstract?) 
Her loss, but mine as well.

I also realized long ago that her definition of "lesbian" has *nothing* to
do with my life.  It's her issue to work out, and I have more interesting
things to do than help her with it (unless she asks for that help).  If
she ever wants to talk about it in an open, non-judgmental way, I'd be
happy to, but she hasn't shown *any* indication that she wants to
understand me.  I grieve for the loss of this primary rel'p.  Yet she's
still my mom and if I ever have to deal with basic survival issues, that's
who I'll run to. 

And then there are, of course, the grandparents. ;-) I just saw some of
mine, the Lutheran cattle ranchers from the smalltown midwest.  I couldn't
decided whether they would be more upset to learn that I am a vegetarian,
a witch, or a lesbian.  I admit it, I stayed in all 3 closets (although,
technically, I did come out to all grandparents as a lesbian in the only
holly-day newsletter I ever wrote, 2 yrs ago).  I was on their turf
without a support system, and I wasn't willing to expend the energy. 
Maybe I was afraid of nothing, but we are not a close family and I didn't
know how bad it might get.  Or how good, but it didn't seem worth the risk.

We all have to find our own ways, and too few of us have parents and
extended families that we can trust for desperately needed guidance,
acceptance and unconditional love.  Eeek, that family-of-origin stuff runs
deep...!

May the young man who is about to go "home" for a visit return with more
of *himself* than he had before. 

Blessed Be,

- Gretchen
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Gretchen Klotz		      Computing Services
              klotz@lclark.edu			Lewis & Clark College