From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #513
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 00:10:48 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:19 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #513

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    513
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

508  30 votes  37965 05d75 06da1 49863 39e40 48972 58c32 44c46 56c43 6c561
508  2.9 mean   3.1   3.4   3.2   2.8   2.6   2.8   2.6   3.1   2.8   2.5

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-01

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You are asked a poet from Slough,
> "Why are my rhymes so rough?
> Well, I'm not to blame.
> The words end the same,
> And if that not sufficient, I'm through!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a poor suppl'cant from the USA
} and who processor was an EISA
} to get through his grovel
} i could have used a shovel
} And I hear he's been talking to LISA!!!
}
} What can you when you live in a shoe
} You can read poetry from Poe
} The suppl'cant's a maggot
} he deserves a good <ZOT>
} Like a bullet should kill a doe.
}
} I'll left you off this time.....
}
} You owe the oracle 18 versions of "There once was an old man from
} Nantucket"

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-02

Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle (great psuedo-existential (but aren't we all?) net.god), who
> knows (since you are omniscient (or at least I am told you are
> omniscient (since I am not omniscient, I have to take (believe) this
> on faith))) more data structures (and algorithms (for computers)) than
> Tarjan (the computer science professor (at least I think he is still a
> C.S. prof., maybe he sold out)) himself (or herself, I have never
> actually met Tarjan, and I don't know from first hand (actually, this
> phrase is somewhat meaningless) experience if he is a man).  I (the
> specific biological entity (or psychological entity if you believe in
> a separate soul (whatever that (the soul) is)) who is specifically
> writing this question (actually, the question comes later, this part
> is really only an introduction (but I think it clarifies the
> problem))) have been programming (specifically, computer programming
> (although, programming is really a more general process and can be
> applied to (that is, made to operate on) any structured, organized
> system)) too long (in a strictly aesthetic sense (although my sense of
> aesthetics may not dovetail with yours (that is a catch-phrase
> suggesting similarity (which I am sure you knew (but I thought it
> might be useful to repeat here))))), and my (is the same sense as the
> use of the word "I" above) brain (or my mind, if you subscribe to the
> dualist theory of mind vs. brain (which I don't, but I do believe in
> something somewhat similar (but I don't have time (an interesting
> concept, purely dependent on point of view) to present (more
> specifically, to type) it here))) has become recursive (in the sense
> that I am constantly (really occasionally, but it does happen a lot)
> interrupting myself (if that is possible, it doesn't really make sense
> to interrupt yourself (or myself))).  What (the use of the word "what"
> suggests a noun, but a verbal (or even a command) solution would also
> be appropriate) can I (or anyone else for that matter (this sense of
> the word "I" is somewhat different than above since it includes agents
> of myself)) do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant (who (not Dr. Who though) is apparrently suffering
} (nay, rather aching) (to and) from severe (but not pathological,
} mind you (or me)) recursion (it is a fact-orial)), your (in the
} singular (as in one) (suit) case here (and there)) problem lies
} (I hope your mother (whom I do not know personally) did tell you (again
} in the singular (e.g. one) (suit) case) never to lie) in your
} Lisp (do you still lisp?).
}
} I (in the collective (meaning many) but yet singular (meaning one)
} sense (and yet is there sense in the universe at all?)) being
} omniscient (which means that I (again in my (referring to I) many forms
} (which I hate filling out)) know a whole lot (of land)) suggest (well
} (of water), maybe I should say (er, type (although Lisping is not
} properly typed)) demand) that you (again referring to the collective
} and yet singular) recode in (and out) BASIC.
}
} You (the singular (can you sing?) and the plural (where "plu" rhymes
} with "clu")) owe the Oracle (who is surely divine (meaning that he
} (or she, as I (the Oracle) am an equal-opportunity employer))) a new
} (which is entirely relative (to something else)) version of Emacs .

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-03

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wondrous, guardian of the vulptuous Lisa,
> undisputed ruler of the Internet, patron god of compugeeks everywhere,
> please answer this little question of mine:
>
> If you're so smart and powerful, what are you doing in Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you have to ask, you'll never know.
}
} You owe the oracle a fish.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-04

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please tell me about fish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fish-net Oracle presents :*The Exciting Adventures of Fish Gordon part
} IV*
}
} [Queen play theme music "FISH - Ahhhhh, saviour of the Tuna-verse
}                          FISH - Ahhhhh, it's a Mackerel" ]
}
} In the last scalebiting episode, Fish Gordon was facing his arch enemy,
} Herr-Ing the Merciless, and a whole school of his heartless shellfish
} minions.  "blub glub" gloated Herr-Ing, "blooob glug glug floob /-ere
} are the sodding subtitles ?! That's better.  We've got you, Gordon!
} Surrender or it's bye bye swim bladder!"
} "Hah" said Gordon "You may have the crabs, Herr-Ing, but I'm not
} scared." "I knew you wouldn't disappoint me" quoth Herr-Ing, "Forward,
} men, pincer movement!".  Fish swam his ground as the legion of
} crustaceans swept sideways towards him, a cunning gleam in his eye.
} Suddenly, with a dashing swish of the tail, he propelled himself upward
} towards a small dangling object.  "You fool!" bubbled Herr-Ing "No-one
} has ever survived the dreaded hook-thingy!"  Gordon, unswayed, swam
} straight for the gleaming object with a maggot on it, and took a firm
} bite.  Instantly, he felt himself pulled upward with staggering force,
} just avoiding the snatching crab claws below. "Joe! Joe! I've hooked a
} big one!" yelled Hank, straining at his rod and madly winding his reel.
}  With a struggle, he dumped the fish in his landing net.  "Well I'll
} be!" said Joe "A forty poun' Mackerel!"
} "Forty one, actually" hissed Gordon.
} "Holy s**t!! He spoke!!"  The two bent over Gordon, in awe and shock.
} "Yes." said Gordon "For I am Fish Gordon, mutant mackerel of many
} powers.
}  I can tap-dance, I can sing, I can save the Ocean from evil Herr-Ing,
}  I can slay my enemies, like lambs to the slaughter, but I can't
}  sodding well breathe out of water.  THROW ME BACK BEFORE I
}  SUFFOCATE!!"
} "No can do, pal" said Joe, "We're both kinda hungry, y'see."
} "Ah.." said Gordon "then perhaps you'd like to know how I got mutated"
} "Why'd we wanna know that ?"
} "Well, a few years back when I was a normal mackerel, I accidentally
}  swam past this bunch of containers on the sea bed.  They were bubbling,
}  and one of them was marked somewhat cryptically :'*UCL*AR  W*STE'.
}  Strange story, huh ?"
} [Pause] [SPLASH!!]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-05

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle Trans-Light Shipping Industries,
>
>       I, the undersigned have recently received the new Intel Optium
> based computer that you will be advertising in the year 2004.  My staff
> is impressed with the speed of the delivery, but are unhappy with two
> flaws found in your design.  Unless these flaws are corrected, we will
> be forced to terminate our contract with you, per contract section
> II.4-r dated November 15, 2000.
>
> a) All of my employees who have used the computer started suffering
>    withdrawal symptoms when kept from using the equipment for more than
>    a few hours.  Each person also tested positive for illegal
>    substances after using your equipment.  Further tests eliminated all
>    possible sources of these results other than your equipment.
>
> b) the same high levels of Beta and Gamma radiation have been detected
>    from your new machines as were detected in your earlier Pentium,
>    Hexium, and Septium based units.
>
>       These radiation levels have forced our insurance rates through
> the roof, and since we will be <ZOT>ed in turn by the Programmer's
> Union (again), the Insurer, the Federal Goverment (again) and by your
> August Personage, we drew straws, and I got the short one to complain
> to you.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> William Gates-Clone #4a/jjs#2c
>
> General Manager MicroSouthWest,
> one of the baby-Microsoft companies.
> Jul 3, 2000.
>
> P.S.  Have you ever noticed that Bill-Prime never seems to draw a short
> straw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Mr. Gates(4a),
}
} What you describe as "flaws" in the system happen to be precisely what
} you ordered.  My review of the purchase order authorized by an
} unreasonable facsimile of BillPrime states that you wish to purchase
} several "Intel Opium-based computers," and that is precisely what I
} shipped.  Is it any surprise that your programmers show withdrawal
} symptoms?  Better computing through chemistry, I say!  I also say to
} proofread your damn purchase orders.  Doesn't Microsoft have an
} error-checking word processor?  That works?
}
} As for your second "flaw," I recall that one of the major selling
} points for you was our patented Oracular True Random Number Generator,
} capable of generating numbers so random that only the Oracle can
} predict them.  It quite clearly says in the fine print that the OTRanG
} contains several radioactive isotopes and DNA strands from
} Schroedinger's cat, right there between the list of standard options
} and the warning against use of woodchucks as mousepads.  You have
} no-one but yourself to blame for your problems.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Oracle
} Oracle Trans-Light Shipping and Transmission Repair
}
} PS  Yes, I have noticed, I'm the Oracle, you pinhead.  I've also
} noticed that BillPrime thinks he owns the North Pole, Monticello,
} Millie the Dog, and plans to sue his wife for producing a child with
} the milkman's "look and feel."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-06

Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Gee, Oracle, you're really keen.
>
> You're like a magic 8-ball with brains!
>
> How do you do it?  With a microprocessor????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the moment I'll ignore the direction this compliment leans in
} (attitude sinestre, without doubt), and attempt to address the one
} particular minutium of your query that appears to have some basis in
} post-Australopithecine curiosity: that of my sexuality.
}
} Being a channelling of, shall we say, all that is "Deux ex machina",
} yet also having corporeal form best described as "life" (see
} _Cyberiada_ by Stanislau Lem [_The Cyberiad_, if you please]) I am
} capable of "doing it" on many levels.  In its basest form, this can
} simply be repeatedly reading and writing the data cache of some
} anonymous CPU on the Usenet.  A more meaningful coupling would be me
} ejecting a cartridge tape into the moist, expectant hand of one of my
} caring attendants.  The ultimate communication of sexual expression
} is, of course, reading news.  In this way, I am remarkably similar to
} most Usenet users.
}
} Please note that nowhere on this hierarchy of amorous exchange did I
} list "answering snide questions from alt.fantasy.ferret subscribers."
}
} The Oracle has spoken.  You owe the Oracle 10 Mb worth of nasty GIF
} files.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:38 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-07

Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, I finally finished up with my undergraduate work, and was all
> set to enter The Real World. (I paid for five years of college so I
> wouldn't HAVE to grovel.)
>
> I was crossing the stage, and just as I got my diploma, this voice
> said, "CUT!  That's a wrap!"  All of a sudden, everyone just faded out,
> and now these guys are trying to take the stage away.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} From a mental snapshot of your cerebrum, and the experience that you
} are currently having... I've concluded that you are suffering from a
} rare delusion known only as "Post Diem Happious Gradatum Depression".
}
} There have only been a few cases of this reported in the history of
} manic depressive disorders.
}
} For the past few days, you have been living in an altered state of
} reality where in your mind 5 years have passed.  In this state you have
} been reliving all episodes of the "Happy Days" Television Show.  If you
} concentrate very hard, you'll be able to hear "Rock Around the Clock"
} playing in the background.
}
} You have become so sentimentally attached to the comedic actions of the
} Happy Days cast, now that Ralph, Pottsie, and Richie are about to
} graduate and move on with their lives, your subconscious cannot handle
} the strain of "letting go".
}
} If you were to look at the director calling "CUT", you would notice
} that it is in fact Ron Howard, with a moustache and 2 children, though
} you can't picture little Opie Cunningham ever really "doing it".
}
} There is no permanent cure for this disease, though there is treatment
} to help combat its ill-natured effects.  Whenever you feel yourself
} slipping away from reality and entering Arnold's, take a deep breath
} and say:
}
}     Sit on it, bucko!
}     Sit on it, bucko!!
}     Sit on it, bucko!!!
}
}  ... 10 times, each time getting progressively louder, until the
} sensation to hit jukeboxes and hang around in the men's bathroom
} subsides.
}
} Since this has been such an extreme case of delusion, I will forgive
} you for not grovelling.  You are actually about to begin your first
} class at University, even though in this altered reality, you have
} imagined yourself graduating.
}
} You owe the oracle all the episodes of "Joanie Loves Chachi" in
} syndication.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-08

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> What is the best way for me to make lots of money?
> I mean, I'm good looking, smart, and all those other things, but what I
> want, and need, is MONEY.
> O tell me, wonderful, and wise oracle, what should I do?
> I'll give you anyhting if you tell me the answer, except for money, of
> course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear unenlightened supplicant.  The Oracle is grieved by your misguided
} affinity for material things.  True enlightenment and happiness can
} only come when we free ourselves from our desires for material things.
} The Oracle can help you with this.  I give seminars on "Freeing
} ourselves from our desires for material things."  These seminars, run
} by myself, and my personall

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-09

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, in whose wisdom we all share, the current threat
> is most grevious to hear of.  I refer, of course, to the fiendish plot
> by a certain large computer firm to infiltrate your circuits and use
> your omnipotence to revamp their products and boost their rapidly
> falling stock sales.  Now, it may appear that no such plot could
> possibly succeed, but, in this case, it has been put together with all
> the subtlty and fiendish cunning of an extremely cunning and fiendish
> person.  By appearing to have a vicious fight, IBM and Microsoft have
> cleverly fooled the entire world into believing that they are at each
> other's throats.  Secretly, however, they are concocting the above
> mentioned plan to take over all the world's computers.  Using Windows
> 3.1 to pave the way, strategically placed sales of OS/2 2.0 and
> Windows NT will be used to seize control over various strategic
> computer locations: MIT's Project Athena, Stanford AI Lab, Indiana
> University Computer Science, CMU Robotics Lab, etc.  Through the use
> of these two almost, but not completely, similar operating systems the
> minds of the users will be enslaved through the use of heightened
> levels of frustration combined with cleverly designed subliminal
> messages appearing whenever users attempt to read news.  Eventually,
> when their control is complete, they will strike!  How do you plan to
> deal with this?  Does it matter, for is rescuing IBM within even your
> power?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C:\>ZOT
} Bad command or file name

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 00:10:42 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #513-10

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and brilliant Oracle, whose radiance exceeds even that of
> Chernobyl:
>
>      How many Oracles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, quite frankly, it depends on the bulb.  However, Oracle Testing
} Labs (tm) has found that it is a number directly proportional to the
} amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bright idea.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #513
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle