From: jbyrd@chpc.utexas.edu (Jan Byrd)
Subject: Re: More Sleep Problems/Questions
Organization: Center for High Performance Computing, Univ. of Texas System
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 17:02:21 GMT

In article <1993Jan21.061702.5655@netcom.com>, pam@netcom.com (Pamela Araki) writes:
|> Hi everyone.  I really hate to ask another sleep question, but I'm one
|> exhausted mom from staying up every night for the last few nights.  I
|> can barely take this anymore.  
|> 
|> Brandon is 8 months old.  I know he knows how to get to sleep by
|> himself because he does fine during his naps - just goes right
|> down, or cries for less than 5 minutes and goes to sleep.  But, at
|> night it is a different story.  I know one mistake I usually make
|> is that I let him nurse himself to sleep at night, then put him
|> in bed - but that was ok up til about a few days ago.  Well, once
|> in awhile we would go through spurts of him waking up, but just
|> cuddles used to put him back to sleep.  Now it seems that if he
|> wakes up and screams (I usually just let him whimper if it is only
|> whimpers, but if it is really crying I get up), cuddles don't do
|> it anymore.  He not only wants to be held, but he wants to lay
|> on top of me, with not just one arm around him, but two arms around
|> him *and* he wakes up every fifteen minutes and if I have moved one
|> of my arms or tried to lay him down, he starts crying again!
|> 
|> I went out and bought Ferber's book cause I thought it might be
|> a good idea to Ferberize since everyone keeps telling me I should
|> and I tried that tonight by putting Brandon down and going in to
|> him after 5 minutes of crying - well that really made him mad!
|> And then the crying turned to screaming and coughing and choking
|> and I just can't take it!  I really can't do that to him.  When
|> I do go into him, he expects me to pick him up and nothing else
|> will calm him down - he just gets infuriated when I just stand
|> there or just give him kisses.  You say, "Who's in control here
|> anyway?"  uh, huh ... you guessed it!  Sorry - no prize ...
|> 
|> HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|> 
|> Thank you to those who actually have the patience to help me with
|> this!
|> 
|> -pam araki

pam,

I'm a devoted Ferber fan, but this part I got from my pediatrician (who
is the one who recommended Ferber's book to me in the first place).  She
said if you don't intend to nurse him, YOU shouldn't go in.  Daddy (assuming
your son's father is on the premises and is willing to participate) should do
this.  Your baby associates you too much with the activity you're trying
to change (nursing all night long with both arms around him).  

My husband had to take over this responsibility (after I had been handling 
all the night feedings alone for 8 months - he was never even aware that 
the baby was still waking up if I didn't complain about it the next morning), 
and fortunately he was willing to do it.  He would wake up when the baby
started to fuss (initially I had to wake Daddy up I heard the baby), then 
wait to see if the fussing escalated (and of course it almost always did) 
and then go in and pat his back and talk comfortingly to him.  Initially 
the baby was outraged because he didn't want Daddy, he wanted me, so he got 
pretty upset, but over the course of several nights he gave up, and stopped 
requiring me all night long.

I will say I think it's probably more humane to wean a baby gradually from 
continuous feeding all through the night - after all, they've gotten used
to eating that way (more often at night than during the day), BUT the prob-
lem with the gradual approach is (and this is Psychology 301 speaking here),
INTERMITTENTLY REINFORCED HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK.  (This can truly be said
of many things where children are concerned!)  If you go in there and nurse 
him half the time and send your husband in there to pat his back the other 
half of the time, that's bound to be very confusing for him.  It might take 
him longer to get the point that YOU'RE NOT COMING ANYMORE.  He'll always be 
thinking, "Maybe this time....".

Anyway, I've been there with my last 2 children (the first 2 didn't have
this problem - don't know why), so don't blame yourself for CREATING the
problem.  Lots of mothers nurse their babies to sleep, and still their
babies start sleeping through the night at a reasonable age; it's just
that some babies get stuck like this.  You just need to see that YOU
and Daddy are the solution, and it's in his best interests as well as
your own, to get past this.

Good luck.

Jan Byrd