From: anon-1403@twwells.com (synthesis)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re:  My Birthday
Date: 11 Dec 92 18:34:36 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


debra writes:

> Well, here goes.
>
> I've never posted before so this is a little strange to me.
>
> Anyway, my birthday is coming up.  It will be this friday.
> I have to say that I have very mixed feelings about it.  
>
> First of all I wanted to have a birthday party for myself, but then
> again I didn't want to have one.  I suppose I have driven my husband
> crazy because of my inability to make up my mind.  But, that's his
> problem.  My problem is I have driven *myself* crazy because I can't 
> seem to commit to having a party or not having one.
>
> The thing is that a party just isn't enough.  
>
> A party wont make me feel better about myself.  A party won't change my
> life.  People aren't going to come together and say how great I am or 
> how happy they are to celebrate my being alive.  Unfortunately, even if 
> they did all those things I probably wouldn't be able to take it in.

hi debra! welcome to asar and happy birthday!! i don't know you, but
i think everybody's being alive is something to celebrate.  but you're
right, a party can't change your life, and neither can what other people
tell you.  the only thing that can change your life is changing what you
tell yourself.  other people don't need to tell you you're great to make
it true.  it is difficult sometimes to believe you're worthwhile when
past abuse or people's comments have told you otherwise. but maybe if you
try to look at yourself as an objective observer would, you'll find that
it's not so hard to believe good things about yourself, after all.  

> Wow, don't I sound depressed!

> That's just it I am depressed.  I just can't stand it my life is moving 
> on without me.  Time keeps passing and I'm just stuck.  My soul has a 
> great big hole in it.  I'm very sad.  Maybe my feelings aren't mixed at 
> all.  It's that I thing I "should" be happy, exceited, etc. that my 
> birthday is coming, when I don't feel that way at all.  Right now I feel 
> very afraid of the passing of time.  I feel like I've fallen behind and 
> I'll never catch up.  One day my life will be over and I will have never lived.
>
> Now I'm sounding morbid.

hey, don't worry about how you sound.  worry about how you feel.  lots of
people don't feel happy about birthdays, and i don't think it makes sense
to talk about how you "should" feel.  i'm sorry you're so sad.  i don't
know about the "never have lived" part though.  i think sad feelings, stuck
feelings, and bad times are all part of what it means to be alive.  i think
maybe if you're happy all the time then you've never lived.  living is
about challenges.  don't get too frustrated with yourself if you're solving
challenges slower than you'd like.  some things take a lot of time.  

> Thanks for listening,
>
> Debra
>
> PS Happy Birthday wishes will be cheerfully accepted.

Thanks for writing.  Wish you a very happy birthday.  And happy unbirthdays
after that.  And strength for the ones that aren't so happy.

-synthesis



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