Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: More reminiscing (or "Look what Dan found floating in his toilet")
From: djohnson@cayenne.gac.edu (Daniel P Johnson)
Date: 15 Nov 92 23:02:10
Distribution: world
Organization: Fill is a dope



-----  snip elk Elmer Japan Thompson bacon ------


In-reply-to: phygod72@nic.gac.edu's message of 14 May 92 18:46:56 -0600
Newsgroups: gac.fan.phygod.phiz.phiz.phiz.phiz
Subject: Re: Bouncing cats
Distribution: gac

Filly Darling:
.The almighty Dan
.} The azeenaster
.} >
.} > It is Phil's strange
.} > desire to drop cats from high buildings to see at what height they don't
.} > bounce any more.
.}
.} Are you saying that cats will make a phiz noise if dropped from a
.} sufficiently tall building.  How tall does the building need to be.

.Well, that is exactly the purpose of the experiment.  However, I hypothesize
.that the sound a cat makes upon impacting the ground and ceasing to bounce is
.more of a "splat"-type sound more than a "phiz"-type sound.  However, I shall

Wrong, Fill the Filanthropic Fysics Fellow, you're focusing to much on
the sound of the cat when it hits the ground, and forgetting that the
cat has to get there.  Consult the diagram:

	       Fill -> i ....                    ______________________
Figure        /        |     ...	  			       |
 1.1         O       ./\.     	..	  			       |
            <|>      |\/|      	  .	  			       |
	    /'\      |/\|	   . 	  			       |
       	       	     |\/|	   .  	  			       |
  	             |/\|      	    . 	  			       |
  		     |\/|      	    . 	  			       |
  		     |/\|      	    .	  			       |
  		     |\/|      	     .	<- Anticipated	               |
  		     |/\|      	     .	   Tradjectory	     984 feet  |
  		    /----\     	     .	   of  	      	               |
  		  ./\|\/|/\.   	     .	   Test-Feline	               |
  		  |--------|   	      .	              	               |
  		  |\\ || //|   	      .	       	                       |
  		  |_\\||//_|   	      .	       		               |
  		  ||/\\//\||   	      .	         	               |
  	 The     .|==|  |==|.  	      .	         	               |
       	Eiffel   /__ //\\ __\	       .         	               |
       	Tower 	 |/\//||\\/\|	       .         	               |
	         |_//_||_\\_|	       .         	               |
	       ./------------\.	       .         	               |
	       ||\/\/\/\/\/\/\|	       .         	               |
	      //\/\/______\/\/\\       .         	               |
	    _//\/\//  /\  \\/\/\\_	.          	               |
          _/_/\/\_/ _/  \_ \_/\/\/\_    .  splorp \O                   |
       __/_/\/__/  /      \  \__\/\/\__	. /        |>  <- Astonished   |
      /__/ \//  __/        \__  \\/\___\*  i      /`\	  Onlooker  ___|
        	     330 feet
      |________________________________|


.design a new experiment to determine at what height a cat must fall from to
.make that "phiz" sound that we desire.

Now, you see, Filly, to achieve the `Phiz' sound we desire, there are
two courses of action open to us:

1)  Launch the cat earthward from an arbitrary location in the
ionosphere, such that it re-enteres the Earth's atmosphere at high
velocity.  Presuming the experiment is handled propery, 1 cat in 3000
should make a very distinct `Phhhhiiizzzzzz' sound as it vapourizes.

See Figure 1.2:





_________________________________________________________________________
									 \
			                                                  |
              Fill -> v-i         _     			          |
	         ______  .   __  (O)    			          |
	        \======/ .   \ \_-|-    		     Ionosphere  <
	         \====/--.-__/   /'\    		                  |
	          |()|   .      			                  |
	          |__|   .      			                  |
_________________________._______________________________________________/
	                 .      			                 \
	                 .      			                  |
		         .      			                  |
        	         .  Phizzzzzz   		    Mesosphere   <
		         . /                                              |
		         ./     	        	                  |
_________________________._______________________________________________/
		         .      	        		         |
Figure 1.2               *      	        	   Stratosphere	<
	        	         I wish...      	       	         |
________________________________\O  _____________________________________\
	        	         |> <- Little   	  Troposphere  _ /
_____________________________i__/`\__  kid ______________________________\



2)  Drop the cat from arm's length into a vat of 50 Molar Hydrochloric
Acid, or similar.  Best Phizzing comes from a cat pre-stuffed with
Baking Soda.  

.I actually don't plan to use a building for the experiments, though.  I hope to
.construct a steel tower with an elevator, though.  However, in order to build a
.tower sufficiently tall to make a cat go "phiz" I need to get a bigger base
.than the yard of the Petersen house.  Therefore, this is a request for

Well, Fill, you've got a problem.  You see, darling, that to constuct
a tower tall enough to reach the ionosphere, you need a base *far*
larger than my yard, Super-DanB the Wonder Homo Sapien's, and every
other potential doner you can think of, *combined*.  Another problem
you will encounter, proveded you can lease the state of Nebraska to
build your tower upon, is that once you are sufficiently high, your
entire workforce will suddenly, and inexplicably lose all knowledge of
the English language, and start babbling like infants.  There is
documented evidence of this phenomonon, dating back several thousand
years.  I would suggest you heed it.  Furthermore, Filly dearest, if
you *still* go ahead with your building, God will smite thee.  I, of
course, do not mean Max or DanB the Mighty One, but rather, the nasty
Old Testament God that was always smiting people and turning them into
things and cursing them and such.  I'd be careful.

.yard-space.  If you live off-campus, I should like to use your yard as a place
.to put one of my tower's legs.  This would include both Dan and little dan, as
.well as Nathan Lee.  No pay is involved (I doubt that I can get a grant for
.this research) - you just get the satisfaction of knowing that you contributed
.to the "splat"ing and "phiz"ing of about 300 cats.

It does sound tempthing, my love, but I can't have the research going
on in *my* yard, as I'm allergic to cats.  I'd hate to ruin your
experiment by sneezing at the wrong time.

.On a side note, does anyone have any cats that I might borrow next year?

See above.

.Phil aka this is what happens to Physics majors - don't let it happen to you!

Dan aka Yeekers!  I sure am glad I'm a CS (Ok ok... *will* be) major.
At least *we're* normal.

------------groan murder tonsil muffin rip---------


I don't know if that one ever made it to a.f.m-p, so if you're seeing
it for the first time shout "Hurrah!".

Dan aka Jeeze... I wish I had kept a few more...