From: kannan@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Kannan Subramanian)
Subject: "The Tao of Skiing!"
Date: Fri, 01 Jan 1993 19:52:51 GMT
Organization: Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO  80523


                            "The Tao of Skiing!"
			     ------------------

Now that vicious rumors are afoot that conspiring intelligentsia the world 
over are huddled in smelly rooms with naked bulbs, drawing blueprints by the
hour on how to boycott Colorado, its beer, its ski resorts and its citizenry,
I am pleased to inform the selfsame intelligentsia, that what they might 
rather do (with better effect) is eat cake. 

"Intelligentsia, why don't you eat cake?" more or less sums it up. 

I have just returned from tearing down the slopes at Eldora. And the essential
lowdown to be conveyed to all boycotters and sundry flag-carriers alike, is 
that business is brisk and booming in the Rockies. We are running out of 
ski-gear to rent. So what you must do without delay, is cash in all your
travel vouchers, empty your piggy banks, increase your credit card spending 
limits and make a beeline for the slopes. Putting it off for another day will
never get you anywhere. In life, as you have no doubt found out, impulsive
action is what gets things done. Act now!
 
If you have not read "The Tao of Skiing" (or in case such a publication does 
not exist or has not yet reached a library near you), here are a few tips from
what you might call "an advanced beginner." (Regretfully, both modesty and 
honesty prevent me from spinning yarns in this direction though ample potential
exists.) At any rate, the essence of skiing, dear Brutus, lies not in bodily 
maneuvers, but in a certain mental adjustment. Don't let anybody tell you any
different. It's all in the mind, if you follow my meaning. In case you have no
clue what I'm talking about, what you must do, basically, is take off at the
top of the mountain and glide gracefully to the bottom of the ski lift while 
avoiding the trees like poison. 

This is easier said than done. Trees on the slopes are endowed with magnetic 
properties and possess a certain hypnotic appeal. You will be drawn towards 
them at approximately seventy miles an hour by forces beyond your control. 
Essentially, you will need extraordinary will power, anti-lock brakes and plenty
of luck to avoid them. Stay cool, is what I always say to beginners less 
advanced than myself. Stay cool. If you have no skill, rely on instinct. If 
you have no instinct, there is of course nothing to be done about it but sail 
into those conifers with as much dignity as you can muster, and wait for the ski
patrol to come and scrape you off. 

On the other hand, excellent results can be achieved by learning how and
where to fall. Taking a tumble at seventy miles an hour is something quite
else. Done right, it can be an exhilarating experience to beat all other 
exhilarating exp's, and (arguably) is the most fun you can ever have with your 
clothes on. Personally, I rather prefer the 'spectacular-slide' for it needs
little or no planning on my part. Upon rounding the bend, before you know, 
for no particular reason really, you will find yourself separated from both 
skis, both poles and possibly your cap without significantly affecting your 
journey towards the finish. Some twenty five yards later, you will then pick
yourself up and having collected all your limbs and sundry other personal
belongings, you will squint uphill to locate the rest of your gear. (Gingerly.)

Around this time, other skiers will be hurtling past you and if you ignore the 
Doppler effect, what they are basically asking you is if you are alright. To 
this you reply, "Oh, absolutely! No worries! Just checking out the powder!" 
What you must remember at this time, even if your head hasn't stopped spinning,
is that no self-respecting skier refers to snow as "snow." The correct technical
expression is "powder."

Half a dozen such super-slides later, you will reach the bottom near your 
favorite ski-lift where you must take care to avoid the fence. (I'm not sure why
mountain resorts must have wooden fences about the place but they do.) Getting
on and off the ski-lift is also non-trivial and occasionally, your face will
be mud. Don't worry about it. Remember you are now part of a glorious sporting 
community and are skiing the Colorado Rockies. 

What you don't _ever_ want to do is call it quits and just watch. Some folks 
visit Colorado and go "sight-skiing." We locals look askance at this sort
of thing ; (such passive non-participation!) It lacks panache. So, at the risk
of repeating myself, let me urge you to head this way without any further 
delay and head for the slopes. Research can wait. Skiing is cool. (It's the 
most fun you can ever have with your clothes on!) 

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