From: "Marek Lugowski" <marek@moose.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Re: "Ode to a Bitch", critical analysis, line by line / Marek
Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 23:01:23 -0500

In article <92353.194136ESB107@psuvm.psu.edu> KeyMaster <ESB107@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>In article <1992Dec18.173037.1@vax1.umkc.edu>, kmwilson@vax1.umkc.edu (Ken M.
>Wilson) says:
>>
>>Ode to a Bitch:
>>
>>    I see her standing by the corner sto,
>>    I want to fuck her, that skanky ho,
>>    I reach in my pocket and pull out a wad,
>>    I can feel my erection while eyeing her bod.
>>
>>    As I start to approach her and give her my dough,
>>    Another guy takes her, that ooze-dripping ho.
>>    Two days later, they found her in a ditch,
>>    She would've been better off, being my bitch.

>i thought this was a place for poems,
> to be written, read and critiqued
>not crap like this
> this isn't poetry, this is sick
> poetry has meaning behind it...
>just my opinion

Forgive me for disagreeing, but "crap like this" is, to my taste,
supremely more palatable comparing to the hundreds of muddled,
unclear, sophomoric, unfocused poems of delicate love/longing we
see on rap every year, which are artless by comparison with this poem.

Here are some reasons why I find this poem valuable:

0.  It is honest (even if written as a prank).
1.  It is vivid.
2.  It is specific in content, language, and imagery.
3.  It is largely consistent.
4.  It has a narrative and produces it cogently and tearsly.
5.  Not much is wasted.
6.  It describes a plausible, real world.
7.  It is not sentimental.
8.  It is tender.
9.  It gets persons to object to it, thus performing a learning function.
10. It is a provocation.  A sensible person will see it as such.
11. It rhymes, and rather well.
12: The woman in the poem sounds nice.  I'd have liked to meet her,

Here is a line by line critique:

>>Ode to a Bitch:
>>
>>    I see her standing by the corner sto,

Flawless.  "sto" is a good move; it sets up everything: mood, rhyme, style.
         
>>    I want to fuck her, that skanky ho,

You have a meter problem with "that".  a flaw.  "skanky ho" is delightful.

>>    I reach in my pocket and pull out a wad,

The rhythmn seem to collapse.  Oh well.  Omisison of "and" would help,
tightening it. 

>>    I can feel my erection while eyeing her bod.

Major blunder: "erection" is out of kilter here metrically and semantically.
You want "hard on".  Also, omit "can" and "while" -- again, tightening.

>>
>>    As I start to approach her and give her my dough,

I will offer a risky alternative, but you might like it: 
     "I fix to come near er to give er my dough,"

>>    Another guy takes her, that ooze-dripping ho.

Change "that" to "my" and you infuse the poem with unmistakenable affection.
(Not to be confused with possessiveness:  "the ho in my life" vs. "ho i hire")

>>    Two days later, they found her in a ditch,

No need for the comma, either gramatically or to pause.

>>    She would've been better off, being my bitch.

Pretty good ending.  "bein'".  Other possibilites:
     "She'd been better off becoming my bitch"
     "She would have been better off as my bitch"
Note that in both cases we end up with 10 syllables vs. the flawed 11.

----

At this point I would like to recommend _Naked Lunch_ by William S.
Burroughs, Jr. and _South of No North_ by Charles Bukowski.

				-- Marek