From: rasf@st-andrews.ac.uk (Russell Anthony Stewart Fiedler)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.cricket
Subject: Worst Aussie side since 1970
Date: 26 Sep 92 15:26:31 GMT
Organization: St. Andrews University, Scotland.


Well, the selectors have thought long and hard over the last few days. Urgent
messages have crossed the Atlantic as nohoper after nohoper was recalled,
selected and then dropped when somebody even more inept was thought of. I can
guarantee that this bunch of losers could not possibly win a game. Abosolutely,
positively, no way, ever...but just in case I've decided to call it 

THE SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER XI

Wally Edwards
     A national joke and/or disgrace. Even the most jingoistic member of the
     Peoples Independent Republic of West Australia would admit that Wally's
     inclusion was a somewhat mystifying act by the national selectors.
     Left hand bat.
Ken Eastwood
     Bill Lawry's replacement in the 7th Test against England in 70-71. Picked
     purely for political reasons. This was his only Test, thank goodness.
     Right hand bat.
Trevor Chappell
     Brother Trevor, the poor man's Chappell (more like poverty stricken). A 
     true sign of a mediocre side is the selection of the makeshift third
     opener. Trevor fills the bill quite nicely, thank you very much. Can also
     add a bit of variety to the attack, especially with his occasionally
     unorthodox action.
     Right hand bat. Right arm slow medium.
Graham Yallop (c)
     Picked purely on the basis of his captaincy. His handling of Rodney Hogg
     during the 77-78 series was astounding. It's not often that your opening
     bowler flat out refuses to bowl for you. Being replaced by Kim Hughes
     clinches his spot here. Probably a bit too classy a bat in this league but
     those who remember him treading on square leg's toes during the 81 tour may
     beg to differ.
     Left hand bat. Left arm slow medium. Has been known to take the gloves.
Gary Cosier
     'The forearms, the forearms' was the cry from Bay 13. Very odd batting 
     style using no backlift whatsoever. Made a ton on debut I think but it was
     all downhill after that. A bit liability in the field and between wickets
     get Gary a cap here.
     Right hand bat. Right arm slow medium.
Glenn Trimble. (Son of Sam)
     I'm not sure if it was a Test I remember him playing in or if it was an 
     ODI. It was embarrassing anyhow. His batting was forgettable but it was 
     his bowling which sticks in the memory. A selection of long hops and wild
     full tosses the like of which is rarely seen in park cricket much less in
     a first class arena.
     Right hand bat. Right arm medium.
John Maclean (wk)
     One of the replacements for Rod Marsh during WSC years. Long time Qld
     Keeper. Miserable performances with the gloves were his trademark. Was
     replaced by Yallop in one Test due to injury/sickness. The keeping 
     improved markedly. Was supposed to be a keeper/bat however there is a 
     distinct lack of evidence to support either part of this theory.
     Particularly enjoyed sweeping Geoff Miller of his gloves to waiting 
     infielders.
     Keeper. Right hand bat.
Chris Matthews
     Has been tried twice at Test level with disasterous results on both
     occasions. Next to no control resulted in him being credited with a huge
     number of wides.
     Left arm fast-medium
Bob Massie
     This one might surprise a few people but there is no doubt that after his
     debut Bob failed quite spectacularly. The story goes that after Lords 
     somebody in their infinite wisdom tried to show Bob how to bowl. He was 
     never the same after that. Ian Chappell refused to let him bowl on the last
     day in the second innings of the 3rd Test against Pakistan despite Lillee's
     crippling back injury in 72-73. By the time he toured the WIndies soon 
     after he had lost so much confidence that he could hardly hit the pitch.
     Nobody would field in close through fear of being hit from a wayward ball.
     Right arm medium
John Watkins
     A true legend in Australian Test cricket. Only test was the 3rd against
     Pakistan in 72-73 but what a performance it was! He only bowled a handfull
     of overs due to his absolute inability to get to ball anywhere near the 
     mown portion of the centre square but shared a match winning partnership
     Massie. Apparently he was a sensational bowler in the nets but would got
     so nervous in First Class matches that he would lose all control. There's
     a story that during a NSW match the captain went up to the keeper after a
     typical Wok over and asked if there was any spin in the wicket. He replied
     "I'm buggered if I know about this track, he hasn't hit it yet, but next
     week's is turning square!". Toured the WIndies with the same results.
     Right arm legspin.
Sam Gannon
     Just the mention of his name produces uncontrollable mirth from anybody
     who had the misfortune to see Sam at his 'prime'. Why he was in the WA 
     side, much less the Aussie team, is a mystery worthy of Arthur C. Clark's
     investigation.
     Very ordinary left arm medium.


Jim Higgs 12th man
     Clearly the worst bat and fieldsman to have played Test cricket for 
     Australia in the last 20 years. Unfortunately he was a very good leggy
     so we can't get him into the side proper.


Sorry not to have included some of the following. We just didn't find them
bad enough

Rob Kerr
Rick Darling
Peter Toohey
David Ogilvie (very close to being picked)
David Hookes (The Great White Hope)
Phil Carlson
Dave Gilbert
Len Pascoe
Kerry O'Keefe
Murray Bennett
etc etc

Thanks to Peter for help with the list.

Cheers,
Russ Fiedler