X-Delivery-Notice:  SMTP MAIL FROM does not correspond to sender.
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.words-l
Date:         Sat, 12 Sep 1992 21:42:00 EDT
From:         Gilbert Smith <N567126@NCSUADM.ACS.NCSU.EDU>
Subject:      WHTMITL4
Comments: To: English Language Discussion Group <words-l@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

What happened To Me In The Library 4
--------------------------------------------------
12)  Regaining my composure after discretely turning toward the
wall and deftly closing my zipper, I move gracefully across the
library foyer, noticing the disapproving stares of several students,
including one particularly unpleasant young man who happens to sit
on the front row of my televised class and competes with me daily
for camera time by drawing pictures of me and of the other students
during class and showing them proudly to the class and to the
camera.  He has a very satisfied I-am-not-in-the-least-surprised-
at-the-public-behavior-of-my-favorite-professor kind of look on
his face, and I pretend that I do not recognize him.  I move on
toward the circulation desk, hearing a faint "Buenas tardes,
Senor Profesor" distorted by a throaty chuckle, and ask for
directions to the Library Office.  The young woman at the desk
does not know, because it is her first day, but she calls a more
experienced member of the staff, who turns out to be *George*,
delighted to see me again.
.
13)  George has on his face what can only be described as a
<bemused> inquisitive expression, as he directs me to the Library
Office:
   "Uh, yes, professor, you go down that hall and turn right at
   the end, then left at the first corridor, and the second door
   on the right is the Library Office, where you can *find* *out*
   *why* *they* *left* *the* *notice* *in* *your* *study*..."
This proves to be too much for my sense of the respect that should
be accorded to members of the faculty by the non-academic staff, I
mean, this *is* a major university....  so, I reply:
   "Look, you little fart, what they left in my study is no business
    of yours....  but I thank you very much for the directions.  You
    are too kind."
George does not flinch as he smiles and adds:
    "Professor, there *has* been a complaint...."
I reply:
    "I'm going to return to damn books.... O.K.?"
And George:
    "No, professor, I mean, there has been a *complaint*..."
Which I ignore as I walk... no, stroll...  casually across the
expanse of the library foyer in the direction of the indicated
hallway, checking my fly twice, then once again....  Down the
hall, turn right, then left, the second door on the right, and
there is the receptionist, holding a make-up mirror close to her
mouth as she tries desperately to dislodge a bit of bacon stuck
between her right canine and the adjoining incisor, with a round
toothpick.  The remaining third of a BLT is on the desk in front
of her.  She has a bit of mayo on the left side of her moist,
slightly engorged upper lip.  She looks up from her mirror and
smiles brightly, retrieving in the flash of an eye the spot of
condiment with a pass of her crimson tongue, and says:
    "Professor Smith....  we have been expecting you...."
She speaks with that irritating habit of pronouncing the -ss-
the -S- and the -xp- by placing the tip of her crimson tongue
on the alveolar ridge....  I try to reply, but I am struck
dumb by both her declaration of anticipating my arrival and
by her pronunciation of -ss-, -S-, and -xp-.....  She repeats:
     "Professor Smith.... we have been expecting you...." and
then, lowers her gaze to my fly, which I cannot help but check
once more with a pass of the hand, never for a moment removing
my own gaze from her pale azure eyes.....
     She flinches at the sight of my hand passing over my fly,
and cries out, stridently....
     "Well, I *never*......   "
--------------------------intermission 4--------------------
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU