Newsgroups: bit.listserv.deaf-l
Date:         Tue, 17 Nov 1992 09:39:16 EST
From:         "Esther A. Paris" <esther@DEMAND.ED.RAY.COM>
Subject:      To David James//I guess it depends on one's parents!

Hi there, David!  I enjoyed reading your post about how you would have
suffered ill effects had your parents denied that you are deaf.  While
I agree with you 100% that it would be foolish and irresponsible to
deny that a deaf child is indeed deaf, there is another extreme of the
spectrum.  To wit:

        0%     v    v    v    v    V   v    v    v    v    100%
         |_________________________________________________|
         denial                                            obsession
           &                                                   &
         neglect                                           neglect

The point I was trying to make is that constantly obsessing on the
brokenness of a child's ears may lead to ignoring the rest of the child.
(Scarcely any parent could ignore a gushing aortal wound and say "Oh,
you poor child you're deaf and it's time to go to the audiologist now."
However, a parent could easily ignore psychological wounds a child is
suffering because of being a misfit with no time to play because it's
time for more speech lessons or it's time to go back to the audiologist.)

One end of the spectrum would be ignoring deafness and pretending that
broken ears don't matter.  This is its own form of neglect, for it would
mean that the child's parents wouldn't even consider that the child has
any communications challenges and hurdles to cross.  This would be child
neglect, especially if the parents are hearing and the child is the only
deaf child around.  The child would be communications starved and treated
as mentally retarded.  In an all Deaf home, broken ears would matter less
for the child would not be communications starved.  But nonetheless, if the
child was never told "You are Deaf and the vast majority of the world is
not Deaf and will not understand you without your making extraordinary
efforts to communicate their way (via an interpreter, the written word,
or speech and speech reading)", then it would be a neglect on the denial
end of the spectrum.

If, as I mentioned above, the parents simply obsess about the brokenness
or relative healed-ness of the child's ears, to the exclusion of the rest
of the child's mental and physical health, this is abuse and neglect of
the 100%/obsession end of the spectrum.

You are truly blessed with what sounds like marvelous parents.  I'd say the
same about Lew Golan and Henry Kisor and several other people on this list.
You all seem to have parents who are at the capital "V" in my graph above:
the perfect 50% category of neither denying that you are deaf and have unique
communications challenges that will be with you your entire life, nor
obsessing on your deafness to the exclusion of the rest of your needs.  When
your parents helped you with speech therapy they did it with 100% love.  When
they trekked you to yet another audiologist, they did it with love.

Not all parents are like this.  *BTW, to Barry K, whom I hope is still here
long enough to read this, Henry Kisor is the book editor of the Chicago Sun
Times and the author of _What's That Pig Outdoors?_.  He was deafened at age
3 1/2 (I think) by meningitis (I think). He's a very "Successful" (by ANYONE'S
standards!) adult in the USA who is also deaf.*

Actually, I'd say only a small percentage of parents are such blessings
for their children.  But then again, maybe I'm a cynic.  I'm hearing,
but for my other health concerns (won't bore you with the list) my
parents hovered at the 0-10% range.  I am grateful for their love and
the way I've turned out anyways.  And I understand that they had other
things going on in their lives and couldn't always attend to their
passle of children's needs (physical or mental).  [ The rest of the
passle of kids weren't as lucky as I, in my opinion.  The youngest died at
age 17. ] But nonetheless, if your parents are at the 0-10% end of the
spectrum when it comes to taking care of a child's needs, the child's
problems are more likely to get worse than better.  [ And if anyone
reading this knows my parents, tell them I'll be glad to give them a
list of specifics that I'm thinking of, including direct quotes and
documentable events. ]


Denial and neglect presents its own trauma.  Obsession about one need
and subsequent neglect of other needs presents its own trauma.  The
two traumas are very different.


When you get a free moment, David James, get on your knees and thank whatever
higher power blessed you with such marvelous parents.  I'm saying "Thanks"
for you as well.

Henry Kisor, when interviewed on Deaf Mosaic, said that he thought that
being a parent of a deaf child would be very difficult indeed.  "Is the
child being pushed too hard?  Is the child not being pushed hard
enough?"  Parents of hearing children should ask themselves the same
questions.  Usually they don't.  They're often more concerned with how
the next meal will be put on the table and all the issuges that go
along with such a question: what percentage of fat is in my kids'
diet?  how will I make it home from work to make dinner in time with
this snow falling so hard and fast? how can I afford to buy anything
other than Kraft macaroni and cheese at 3 boxes for a dollar?  how am I
going to be able to give my kids enough fruit and vegetables this
winter when the prices go up and the garden is long since dead? Most
parents think that schools are for taking care of their children's
needs and that the school will inform the parents if there's something
the parents should be doing.


Wow, I really am getting cynical in my old age.

I'll quiet my fingers now... I'm getting myself too depressed.

Esther Paris, Raytheon Equipment Division, Marlborough, MA

ps, PLEASE To Everyone!  PLEASE put your names at the end of your messages
so that everyone else can know who is writing what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!