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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Sat, 23 Jan 1993 23:35:21 EST
From:         Kerry Stephenson <KSTE@PURCCVM.BITNET>
Subject:      New Game, Anyone?

              Ramon said:

        I'm not an expert in truly American politics, as I am just an
observer watching from afar whenever I got the time and the energy to try
to figure things down there. But from my humble point of view, this
silly business of trying to appoint only saints of unquestionable sexual,
strictly legal and untainted moral character to high government positions
is going too far. Only incidents of recent occurrence, directly connected
with the responsibilities of the job, or patterns of wrongdoing over extended
periods of time should qualify to invalidate a candidate for a cabinet
position.

           Having determined, after intensive research, that "real"
           politics is no more "real" or effectual than "virtual"
           politics (or, say, a soap opera), I couldn't agree more.

           So why don't we carry it to the logical conclusion?  Let's all
           create our own personal Cabinet of Felons and Other Persons of
           Ill Repute.

           Here's mine:

           State:  A simple Presidential pardon (known since Christmas
              as the newest trend in executive gift-giving) will buy
              freedom for JOHN GOTTI and give us a Secretary we can
              count on.  Who better to negotiate with thugs, terrorists,
              and ego-driven dictators than a man who's been "made"
              since before Bill Clinton was an Oxford pothead?  A camel's
              head in Saddam's best bed is just the beginning.  Who needs
              the Marines when you've got the Mafia?

        Defense:  Now here we need a man with the cajones
          to back up Mr G. at State.  A man who can play
          "bad cop" with a guy like Big John.  A tough assignment,
          but one more Presidential pardon brings you the
          talents and terrors of CHARLES MANSON.  Yes, Charlie's
          back, and the government's got him, but this time he's
          on Our Side.  The poster boy of serial-chic, the
          Crown Prince of paranoid schizophrenia, he is the
          ideal choice for making those madmen in the Middle
          East stand up and take notice of the Reunited USA.

       Labor:  Whoever's head of the Teamster's.  Enough said.
          Got a problem?  Call the State Department.

       Interior:  This is a tough one.  We need someone who can
          schmooze the spotted owl crowd, without alienating the
          "God, guns, guts" constituency of the NRA.  Someone who
          can talk out of both sides of his mouth.  A real two-tone
          chameleon.  Unfortunately, the President can't be his
          own Secretary.  But BOB PACKWOOD is getting a mite
          restive over in the Senate, I hear.  Maybe we should
          give him a holler (note to hillbillies:  that is not
          a no-money down real estate offer.)

        Health and Human Services:  Thanks to AIDS, abortion,
          and Dr. Kervorkian, there is no longer any need for
          this Department.

        Education:  Another tough choice.  But we should check
          around and see if we can find one of those tough
          bat-wielding principals they keep making TV movies about.
          That ought to do it.  Or maybe we should just give it
          to WAYNE LAPIERRE.  Otherwise, by the year 2000, when
          suburban kids start joining the army at 16 because
          an ungoverned nation in full-tilt anarchy is safer than
          a public school, he'll say:  "Where were YOU?"

        Treasury:  What we need here is a guy who understands
          money.  A man who can testify before Congress about
          mind-numbingly boring statistics without falling asleep.
          A world-class American who can bring his own pointer.
          A man who's just a little bit paranoid and more than a
          little bit gullible.  ROSS PEROT is the man for us.
          No Presidential pardon needed; we can have him for a song.
          And the song is "Crazy," man.

        Commerce:  It really is too bad that Sam Walton had to
          celebrate winning the Medal of Freedom by dying.  We
          could use his brains in this department, especially
          with his international textile experience.  Ah, well.
          No use beating a dead magnate, I guess.  So we have to
          find another qualified individual.  Someone with
          international experience.  A person of skill and
          wisdom.  One who speaks many languages, so as to
          improve our standing in the international world.
          Unfortunately, this post will have to remain vacant
          until the Department of Education produces an American
          citizen that can speak more than one language (which will
          be a while in coming; we're still working on English).
          Currently, the only people in America fluent in a language
          other than English are either illegal immigrants or lawyers.
          And the lawyers speak Latin, which can only be used to
          communicate with the dead.

        Veterans Affairs:  No contest.  BO GRITZ.  Real-life
          basis for the John Rambo character (bing!  $200 in
          the useless trivia category for knowing Rambo's
          first name).  Winner of the 1992 best slogan for
          a presidential candidate:  "God, Guns, Guts,
          Groceries.  Gritz."  (Groceries?  What was *that*
          about?  He kills me, he really does.)

        Housing and Urban Development:  Is this still a
          Department?  I thought it was now just a code
          name for a federal offense.  Okay, then.  Let's
          get Sam Peirce back.  Better still, how about
          that woman What's Her Name who went to lunch at
          a restaurant instead of appearing before the
          Congressional Committee that had subpeonaed her.
          That'll fill a (no, there is no) quota slot, too.

        Transportation:  Trains, planes, and automobiles, right?
          Hmm.  Freddie Laker's not an American.  (Of course,
          neither are the people who make these things anymore.
          The ones that run, anyway.)  Hey, I know!  How about
          JOHN DELOREAN?  I'm not sure if we'll need a pardon
          for this one.  But just think--Amtrak with side-swing
          doors, and public buses that can operate beyond the
          boundaries of time and space.  Cool!

        Energy:  I'm too tired to pick somebody for this one.
          You do it.

        Agriculture:  Plants, animals, dirt, and other farm-type
          stuff.  I think that guy from the Texas Chainsaw case
          is still around.  Might need a pardon, though.

        Justice:  Look, we are NOT going to talk about this
          Department in public again.  Ever.  Just drop it.

        Nominations, anyone?
                                 --NINAR Kerry
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