From: martink@NeoSoft.com (Martin Koistinen)
Subject: Cold Marriage
Organization: NeoSoft Communications Services -- (713) 684-5900
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 07:16:18 GMT
Keywords: Marriage


	I  am  getting  quite  desperate  and need some advice from a
woman's  (especially  a  married  woman's) point of view.
 
	My  wife  regards intimicy in general as a very uncomfortable
feeling.    She   finds   the   following   events  as...   well,
uncomfortable:   Romantic  disscusion  (ie,  "I  love  you"  with
meaning),  Romantic  atmosphere  (the  TV  is  ALWAYS  on and she
doesn't  like  the lights dimmed and she won't put that book down
so  that  we  can  "just BE together"), Kissing for more than one
second (She WON'T kiss with an even slightly open mouth and NEVER
uses  her tongue), She likes to receive back/neck/arm/leg rubbing
but  detests  giving it.  Romantic sex (ie, "lovemaking", I don't
think  I  have  ever  been  "made love to" by her and I think she
feels  uncomfortable  if  I  put  more  emotion  into  it then is
"necessary").   Foreplay is OK when she's receiving it, otherwise
no way.
 
	She  excuses  herself  from  romantic  activities  by  saying
something  cute  and  childlike.   Sometimes  she gets into these
moods  where  she likes to have playful tickle-fights.  These are
NEVER  succeded  by  romance  or  even  just sex.  This brings up
something  else,  She  has  in  four years, NEVER had sex with me
after  a  "date" or an evening where just the two of us go out to
dinner  and  a  movie  or  something.   This  includes birthdays,
holidays,  St.  Valentine's day, anniversaries, OUR HONEYMOON.  I
now  almost  hate  to "go out" with her because it guarentees she
won't be in the mood later.
 
	We have sex about once every two to four weeks.  We have this
unhealthy  cycle  we  go  through  where  I  get so lonely that I
actually  beg  for  physical  affection.   She interprets this as
being  horny and I'm "going through my emotional periods".  After
about  a  week  of  this  she'll  allow  me to have sex with her.
Sometimes she'll say something to the affect that "She feels like
I'm  making  her  have  sex with me." Sex is cold and mechanical.
She  likes  to  get  on top and she reaches orgasm but its pretty
much  same-o-same-o.   I'm physically satisfied at this point and
it  helps  my  loneliness  for  about one week then it starts all
over.
 
	When  we  first  met we had a VERY active sex-life, sometimes
we'd  spend  whole  days  just having interesting sex and resting
just  to  do it again.  Sometimes, We'd wake up from a deep sleep
and realize we were having sex.  She occasionally would even give
me  head  while  I  was  driving  without  any notice beforehand.
During  this  time  sex was sex not lovemaking but I was too busy
have  fun  to notice.  This lasted about 3 months until she moved
in with me.  Declined steadily from there.
 
	I  very much believe that she is just like this and it really
has  nothing  to do with me.  If I felt that she just didn't love
me,  we  would  already be divorced.  She was married once before
and  HE left her after about 2 years.  Anytime I bring any of the
above  up  in conversation, she just crys and says "your going to
leave me too, just like (ex-husband) did".
 
	A  couple  of weeks ago she told me in a passing conversation
that  she  finds "tongue-kissing" disgusting and she won't do any
more.   (She had previously told me that she now thought fellatio
was  disgusting  and that was out too) I was really hurt that she
would actually tell me this with out any provication.  I told her
that  I'd  like her and I to see a marriage counselor.  She cried
and  drew  up  parallels  between our's and her previous marriage
thinking  that  we  were  now one step closer to divorce.  She is
aware  that  her coldness is moving us apart but she doesn't seem
to consider changing (how?) or seeking help.  She doesn't suggest
anything I could do differently.
 
	She  has  been  telling  me, ever since I have been trying to
work  this  out  with  her, that she feels like she has something
wrong with her.  She knows she's a cold person.  She asks me "why
can't  you  just  KNOW  that  I love you and leave it at that?" I
really  feel  that  in effort to "keep" me she tells me every day
that  she  loves me and gives me a QUICK peck on the lips as I go
to work Just like June and Ward Cleaver might do.
 
	Sometimes  I  almost sense a dual-personality in her.  I just
can't seem to nail it down though.  She this cute child like mood
that   I   am  really  fond  of  and  then  she  has  her  normal
sometimes-nice,  sometimes-stern  mood  that  I've grown accustom
too.   We  have NEVER-EVER engaged in romance/sex during her cute
mood.   I  sometimes  think  she  is emotionally incapable during
these  times.  (I really think she is clinical here, not to sound
mean)
 
	Let me mention here that this is NOT the type of relationship
where  the  wife  completely rules the house and the husband is a
spineless  dwebe.   On the other hand as you can probably tell by
now,  It  is  also not the type of relationship where the husband
bullies  the  wife  around.   I  handle  most of the home affairs
(financial/legal/etc.)  but I am assisting her in starting up HER
own  business.   She  doesn't  have  a whole lot of confidence in
herself  and  I think this will help her in that department.  She
is  rather  shy  and  few aquaintences of hers turn into friends.
They  either think she is "stuck up" or they get tired of her not
returning  calls or otherwise taking an initiative in friendship.
(another  reason  why  I don't take all of this as a problem with
me.)
 
	I  love  her  very much.  I want our relationship to work.  I
want  us  to  have  a happy, successful marriage.  I vowed to her
that  I'd  never  leave her and never cheat on her.  I hope I can
live  up  to  both  of them.  Since I am almost always lonely, It
would  be extremely difficult to resist affection from just about
ANY other woman.  I try not to put myself in these situations.  I
do  not regard adultry as unlawful or sinful, just unfaithful and
wrong so I my fidelity is not based on anything but love for her.
At  times  I  considered finding another woman to be just a close
friend  with whom I could occationally share kisses and affection
(not  sex)  but  I  think that is just as unfaithful and besides,
there  would  probably  come a time when I would not stop at just
kissing.
 
Like I said, I'm desperate.  Please, if you have any advice, send
email to :martink@neosoft.com
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