From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (SHerri)
Subject: Re: late at night
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 22:38:17 GMT

In article <BtxvB8.FwF@twwells.com> anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes:
>
>-longish post to follow-
>
>hi
>
>it's early in the morning and i'm scared....
>i'm really sad again...and very confused.  I want to call someone to
>talk but i don't want to bother anyone. i've been lurking for
>awhile..just watching, testing if you will. i don't know what i'll say,
>and i don't know if ya'll want to hear but i hope you will.
>

Posts like this are *exactly* what we're here for.  Most of us have felt
that somehow our experiences aren't really deserving of the empathy and
consideration that we see others getting here.  Well, those who abused us
had quite a stake in convincing us that our problems weren't that bad and
that we were just whining our something.  This group is by no means perfect
or even close, but I believe you will find people who care about you here.
I care about you.

>************Spoiler (i think maybe i don't quite get the meaning of it)
>            *********General Confusion**************
>
>I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
>but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
>then there would be no turning back.
>What if i'm wrong
>
>Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. i don't want to use my
>name cause you might know me, or them. Some people can't know things,
>they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You don't talk
>outside the family...you never go against the family.....you don't shame
>the family
>

Yes, I can really relate to your feelings here.  Take your time and share
what you will.  ask for what you want and need from us.

>Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
>they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
>and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
>break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?
>

I used to have this mirror transormation thing a lot.  I'm objectively
fairly attractive, but I would sometimes get nauseus from looking at my
reflection.  A lot of that shame is still internalized, but I am learning
to like myself.

>I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
>want to be good but i can't. I have thoughts and then the memories come
>back and i remember how gross i am. I am a child....in some ways. A
>little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't ready when it happened, does
>this make sence? The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last
>year.  I admit that i most likely brought it on myself(even though i
>know i'm ot supposed to say that) But the thing is that i'd never really
>had a boyfriend. I don't know what's supposed to happen. You have to do
>whatever he says right? he knew i didn't understand, that i needed to be
>taught. he taught me how to hate myself even more than i already did. He
>taught me how to hate sex, even the idea of it, and he taught me how to
>be afraid of people. Maybe i shouldn't blame only him. Maybe it was the
>straw that broke the camels back. i don't know. Now i'm still a child, a
>19 year old child who want's to be loved. But i think that anyone who
>wants me wants me only for my body..therefore it is rare that i really
>let anyone inside. Whenever i do they seem to hurt me bad, therefore i
>don't do it much anymore. 
>I'm lonely.
>

I don't know enough about the situation you described to discuss how much
the guy involved was to blame.  I don't even think that blame is the
important issue.  It is important to recognize and acknowledge how you
feel rather than push those feelings aside saying, "well, it may not
be fair of me to feel this way towards _____"  You're not facing the
guyin court, you're dealing with your own feelings.  You're not required
to be fair to anyone but yourself, so I think that the main thing you
have to do is stop blaming yourself or making the feelings of shame a
part of you.  Yes, I know, easier said than done, but it will be done.
I believe that just as sometimes you can see your own beauty in the
mirror, there are probably times when you can see your own goodness.
Remember those times, think about them, until it's something you can
acknowledge all the time, even when you can't see it.

Most survivors learn to use sex to fill needs that aren't sexual.  It always
leaves us feeling used, we should never had to buy the basic attention and 
affection that a little child needs.  If we make mistakes in our struggle
to become mature, it's not something we need to beat ourselves up over.  
Most of us are learning, and self-blame doesn't help us learn faster.

>i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
>i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
>someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
>direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now
>
>thanks
>
>

and thank you for posting.  Hugs or smiles or warm thoughts if you
want them.  Take what is appropriate.

Sherri