From: pbh@earl.cam.bellcore.com (Operator Paul B. Hart)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: BROKEN HEART
Date: 4 Nov 92 23:12:49 GMT
Organization: /bdfs/users/pbh/.organization


>   I read your sad letter and hurt deeply for you...  Finding someone is a
>   cruel game... one we all must play.  it would be so much easier if everyone
>   had some kind of indicator on their lapel, saying, "yes" or "no"...  But
>   then again, sometimes you don't know how you like someone until later...

>  Coming from the other side, a computer science female who is always in
>   demand, I have to explain what it feels like being on the other side...

A comment in general about the situation of approaching a friend and
telling them you are interested in more than just a friendship.  I
recently had to go thru this situation.  I don't think there are any
"pat" answers.  

Take for instance my experience.  I have been interested in this
person for many months, but it was obvious (she was seeing someone
else at the time) that the interest was not mutual.  She was a good
friend and we had had many interesting dicussions (e-mail and in
person) and we were becoming very comfortable being around each other
and talking openingly.  One day a situation presented itself that we
really had a very deep heart to heart talk about our problems and
revealed many of our deepest secrets to each other.  In addition she
revealed that she had ended her previous relationship.  I choose only
to reveal my past interest in her (partly because I didn't know how
strong my current interest was, and partly I didn't want to take
advantage of the new deeper friendship (we were both vunerable at the
time))

But as the weeks progressed (and our friendship became stronger) it
became obvious to me that my feeling for her were growing. What was I to do?

I believe you need to weigh numerous issues, some being

o Will revealing your deeper interest hurt the relationship?  Will the
  person feel uncomfortable being around you knowing about your interest?
o How is not knowing this person's true feelings affecting you, the
  relationship.  Not knowing can offen lead to miss-communications and 
  miss-understandings that could be worse that revealing your
  feelings.  
o What is the personality of the other person.  Are they likely to
  approach you if they are interested, or is it up to you to take the
  initiative?  
o What is the current level of friendship (I view this
  as a level of trust, could you tell this person your deepest darkest
  secret?)


In my case I felt that it was tearing me up inside (almost to the
point of being self-consuming) not knowing where I stood.  The fact was I
knew that she was an aggressor and likely to make advances if she was
truely interested, but I also knew that our friendship would not be in
danger if I was honest.

I guess I do believe that your interest should not be hidden because
I value honesty and integrity above all in my friendships, but timing can
be critical.

>  There was someone I liked once, and we flirted around.  I still hadn't
>   decided if I liked him seriously or not.  One day he told me what he
>   felt...  It >forced< me to decide, but I wasn't ready to decide.  It was
>   frightening because I didn't know what to say.  

Interesting that both you and my friend felt pressured into
responding. . .

>   I felt bad because I didn't want to date him -- not yet -- and knowing this
>   would hurt him made me feel even worse.  And feeling worse made me feel
>   like I should go be with him, but I was afraid to lead him on, and this
>   made me feel bad.  So I stayed away, which made me feel bad! ... This
>   compounded until just seeing him made me feel so horrible, I even avoided
>   places he went because I just couldn't bear to see him...

Rejection always hurts, but maybe not knowing will be worse than
facing the rejection.  Besides, yours was not a total rejection.  Just
that at this time you weren't readly to commit to more than just a
friendship.  And there is nothing wrong with this!!!! I do wonder about
your reaction afterwards, why couldn't you continue the friendship?
If you firmly state that you enjoy the friendship but are not
interested in taking it any further, he should understand. (This could
lead to another conversation on to what extend sexual attraction gets
in the way of friendships between friends (i.e. When Harry Meet Sally))

The time after the rejection is tough.  I can understand your feelings
of not wanting to lead him on.  He (and I) are very vunerable after
the rejection (Yes, she said no).  But I think it is possible to
maintain the friendship without the fear of leading him on.  My friend
has called me several times afterwards and we have talked.  Granted we
haven't seen each other since the "BIG" talk, but she calls just to say
"I still care about you"

But as I stated previously the person revealing their interest must
attempt to gauge the affect of their actions before proceeding.  You
take a risk, and the consequence of your friend's action seems to be
the loss of your friendship 8'-<

As in your friends case, I was also told that the interest in more
than a friendship was not present, but I feel that our friendship is
even stronger for it.  You see, I am not an aggressor by nature and
she knew how hard it must have been for me to approach her and reveal
my feelings.  She appreciated the effort I went too to be honest and as a
result our friendship has become that much deeper.

>   Keeping your feelings inside is not being a hypocrite.  You can't grow a
>   flower by touching it and disturbing it...  You can't catch a deer by
>   running out and embracing it...  You must be patient and sit back and let
>   it happen... sometimes it doesn't, but it >won't< if you don't give it a
>   chance...  Let it go.  Let it grow.  Enjoy what you have >now< and let what
>   comes come...

I don't agree that it is this simple (as stated above).  But you are
correct it stating that patientance and understanding of the situation
are key to being able determine the best course of action. But don't
forget we often miss- opportunities by never taking a risk.!!!!

>   I know this all sounds easy to say, but love can't be forced.  Love will
>   run and then you will have lost even that which you already had...

I don't understand why you think being honest about your feelings will
always lead to the loss of a friendship?

>   Cyn

>   -- 
>       "You will know your true friends better in the first moments you meet...
>	   ...than you will know your aquaintences in a thousand years...

>		   -- Richard Bach from _Illusions_

-Paul Hart
pbh@earl.cam.bellcore.com

--**--
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I
wasn't going to be out that long..." - Steven Wright