From: schroede@bnlux1.bnl.gov (gary l. schroeder)
Subject: Re: Breaking up is hard to do....
Organization: Brookhaven National Laboratory, Upton, NY 11973
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 18:15:30 GMT

In article <1993Jan10.043023.26052@datamark.co.nz> thomas@datamark.co.nz (Thomas Beagle) writes:
>In article <1993Jan8.164658.29682@bnlux1.bnl.gov> schroede@bnlux1.bnl.gov (gary l. schroeder) writes:

>>Maybe it's the fact that asking somebody if they just wanna be your
>>boinkbuddy after they tell you they're looking for an emotional
>>relationship seems a bit cold.

>>>It's a hell of a lot better than pretending to love someone when you
>>>do't in order to get sex.

>>This is indisputably true, but tactless.

>Oh, so we're sacrificing honesty in relationships for tact? 

Why assume that the two are mutually exclusive?  From what I've
gathered, I seem to be in the minority of those who feel that asking to
start up a friendly sex relationship with someone who cares about you in
a more meaningful, emotional way is inconsiderate.  It cheapens the other
person's feelings for you.  This is not the same thing as two people who
are merely on friendly footing deciding to have sexual relations to pass
the time and relieve their own tensions.  That's a mutually agreed upon
arrangement; an agreement to allow you to use each other until someone
whos's emotionally satisfying arrives in your life.  If that's what
you're _both_looking for, then fine, go for it.  However, it sounds to
me as though the original poster had this girl come up to him and say 'I
really like you, I'd like it to be more serious' to which he replied
'naah, don't think so, but how about if we start sleeping together?'  I
imagine that the girl he said this to felt her feelings go <squish>.
This is, as you point out, brutal honesty, but its also a way of saying
'I don't care about your needs, but I know that _I_ really wanna get off
a few times a week.' 

>So you're one of these people who believe in letting relationships
>drop by never talking to the other person - after all, to tell them it
>was over might be tactless.

You're putting words into my mouth now.  Don't carried away with the
devastating sarcasm.


>What would you thought if this prospectiuve partner had given a
>different answer? "Ok, I'm prepared to go for a non-deep but friendly
>relationship for a while."
>They might have had a lot of fun.

Did you catch the original post that started this thread?  What you
propose wasn't a likely scenario given her feelings on the matter.
Something about a big desire for being in love with her partner first.
It's different than looking for 'a lot of fun'.

>>You're right, I am skeptical about this.  I was once in a relationship
>>where I thought it was possible to remain 'fucking good friends'.  I was
>>wrong.  You can make all the pacts and agreements with your partner that
>>you want, but it dosen't preclude the possibility that someone's going
>>to develop some kind of deeper feelings, particularly if you really are
>>_friends_ and not just acquaintances.  It takes a cold individual to
>>completely seperate themselves from the psychological and emotional
>>aspects of sex with a friend, at least if it's on any kind of regular
>>basis.  

>In my single experience with this sort of relationship, we didn't have
>any serious problems for the about 8 months that it lasted (and we did
>have quite a lot of fun!). Eventually we found that we were starting
>to annoy each other and broke up. We're still friends.

I never said that it isn't possible.  I'm sure that if we took a polling
of this group we'd find plenty of folks who've had the pleasant
boinkbuddy experience.  I'm just saying that I have a certain amount of
skepticism based on my own personal experience.  As They say, your
mileage may vary.

-- 
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Gary L. Schroeder  		|  If this .sig causes dizziness or  
schroede@bnlux1.bnl.gov         |  vertigo, dicontinue use and consult    
Brookhaven National Laboratory  |  your physician. 
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