From: jm5p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Judi Mancuso)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: WRAP UP:"I don't want to be a scrooge"
Date: 21 Dec 92 09:17:29 GMT
Article-I.D.: andrew.gfBVV9W00iV4A31mMb
Organization: Student Employment Office, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA


Hi.
Many of you may recall my post of  a few weeks ago regarding my MIL and
her demands on our Xmas schedules and my husband's "hate" for the
holiday season and our son's anticipation of our own traditions.  The
response from this group reached the triple digits--about 150 in all! 
Although I tried to get back to everyone personally, I am not sure if I
did.  And so, please forgive me if I missed a few of you--it was not due
to lack of appreciation, I assure you.   Most of you requested a follow
up to this story and how it was resolved and I pormised to give you the
facts and any advice I may have gotten that helped along the way.  First
of all, this group gave the best advice I have ever heard--perhaps
because you do not know me and I do not know you and there is no
emotional tie between us----although my friends were supportive and
helpful in their own ways, let's face me--they love me, they know me and
they want me to do what I want!  Therefore, my first bit of advice to
you is--sound out this group if you ever have a dilemna similiar to mine
and you will find what you need.

Here's what has happened and how the problem was resolved--I should
mention that this was not the resolution I was hoping for but it is a
good middle ground and gives us a place to begin building for next year.
 I explained to my SO how I felt about maintaining our own tradtions and
doing what we want while respecting his "family" traditions. He also got
a good earful on how I feel manipulated and bullied by his mother---I
gave specific examples (which helped my case) and told him my perception
of what was going on.  At first, he just said that we should ignore
everyone's wishes and just stay home alone or do what we want without
consulting anyone--which would piss everyone off and probably upset our
kids' holiday more than we realize. (Family tensions are felt by
children--I remember when my mom was arguing with her sisters over the
holidays---it was pretty weird.)  Anyway, after some discusson on this
topic we realized that I never asked him what HE wanted to do--and I was
pretty suprised by his response.  Because he works 1/2 day on Xmas Eve,
he wants to be able to come home, hang out with the kids, put the baby
down for a nap, send our oldest off to do something quiet and then he
and I can enjoy a holiday drink together, quietly (maybe listen to
music, watch the tree)---his rationale is that things are just TOOOOO
hectic and he needs some "quiet and peace" in order not to "loose it"
later on.  Then, he wants to go to his mother's for an early dinner
(maybe at 5:30) and enjoy HIS family instead of "hear about everyone's
schedules" then open gifts and return home by 8:30 so that we can
unwind, settle the baby and get ready for the wave that will hit the
house at 10 p.m.(our annual Xmas Eve celebration).  He says that the
reason why he just hates this whole thing is that he wants to enjoy his
holidays but he isn't "allowed" because everyone is "in his face" about
what they want/need/have to do /where they have to be or whatever.  He
seems to blame his sister more than his mother because he says that his
sister is constantly trying to schedule and manipulate things to fit her
own needs then she forces her mother to tow the line.  I am not quite
sure if I buy into this but I will think about it later when my mind is
less cluttered.  Since he never really told me what HE wanted to
do---and how he feels that if he has this "quiet" time instead of a
constant whirlwind, he will be happier and enjoy the holidays instead of
hate them--and I think his agenda is a nice comprimise, I told him to
tell his mother.  Although he wasn't prepared for that, he agreed and
told her this when he went over to put up her tree on Saturday.  When I
questioned him afterwards, all he said was that she "accepted it" and
that I should probably just leave it at that unless I wanted to have
another argument.  That sounded pretty reasonable to me.  He said that I
have to understand that since it took 60 some years to get her this way
when it comes to the holidays, it may take a little longer than a month
to change her---I suppose he is trying!  Anyway, this is the end result
of what was a very stressful couple of weeks.

Again, thanks to all of you who gave me a good dose of what I needed. 
My friend sent me a wonderful Xmas card that read:  FRONT:  Christmas is
such a special time of the year.....strangers greet each
other.....friends call each other.....
INSIDE: and families tolerate each other.  On that note, I wish you all
the merriest of holiday seasons!  Thanks again.  Judi