From: romal@sco.COM (Romal Levy)
Subject: Soothing Dad's ruffled feathers
Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc.
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 23:24:53 GMT


Hi Folks,

Warren and I are expecting our second child in June.  Right
now were going through the process of picking a new OB since
I wasn't very happy with the person who delivered David.
We're considering a traditional OB, a nurse midwife, and a
GP who does obstetrics.

Here's the problem:  I told Warren that I really like the OB
we're considering, but that I'd like to have a doula or a close
friend coaching the labor.  I had what I consider less than an
ideal labor last time and I felt that I could have used the help
of a more experienced birthing assistant than Warren.  Here's what
happened:

My water broke before my cervix had softened and was slightly stained
with meconium, so we had to go to the hospital immediately.  Once 
Warren got me settled in the room and was sure I was O.K. he left to
pack a few things from home and take care of some stuff at work.  I
figured he'd be gone for maybe an hour at most, so I told him to go.
He was gone for 2.5 hours, while I was trying to keep myself motivated
walking up and down the halls at 11pm with no support and no one to talk
to, trying to get labor started.  When he came back the nurse though that
I should try to sleep since "tomorrow would be a busy day."  I was tired,
but I also knew that I had a 24hr time limit since my water had broken
and I really wanted to keep walking.  Warren wanted to sleep.  I gave up,
and went to bed.

The next morning my OB finally arrived and started me on pitossin since
I wasn't having any contractions.  That landed me in bed.  Warren stayed
in the room with me and watched TV, but also played cards with me and
encouraged me through the contractions that were finally coming.  Some
time during the day when he says I was sleeping (I don't remember sleeping
at all) he left to videotape some stuff around the hospital.  When he
came back I was arguing with the nurses to get me a telemetry unit so I
could get up and walk around.  They didn't want to go to the inconvenience,
so Warren argued with them some more and I was finally able to get onto
the unit.  We walked up and down the halls a few times and then I decided
I really didn't want to and headed back to bed.  Warren kind of sat around
with me until 6pm when my OB finally poked in again and announced that I
wasn't progressing at all and suggested a C section.  He offered me another
24hrs of labor, but by this time even the pitossin wasn't generating 
contractions.  He said he really didn't think I was going to dilate at all,
that my cervix just wasn't quite ready, although he was hoping I'd be able
to get to 3 - 5 cm so that my cervix would "remember" next time.  

Warren tried to talk me into continuing my labor but I was tired, thirsty
(the OB had ordered no liquids post 12 noon) and uncomfortable from the
IV and fetal monitor.  I opted for the C section.  Warren wanted to watch
the surgery, but I made him sit and hold my hand instead.

So here's the problem:  Warren was very loving and supportive, and I keep
trying to emphasize this to him.  I just think for me that I needed more
support, in particular from someone who had assisted with many births and
could offer suggestions and keep me going when I didn't want to.  Warren
feels insulted and says that I don't remember all that he did for me and
that I'm buying into the feminist crap (his words) that only women can
really help a woman give birth.  He kept hounding me and needling me about
what was so wrong with him, that I must believed that I thought he abandoned
me during the labor.  I finally got really angry and disgusted with him
for putting what I perceive to be his ego ahead of my needs and said fine,
if he wanted me to say that he abandoned me, then he did and that I wanted
some else in addition to him.  He hasn't spoken to me since (10pm last
night) and has been really rude.

Now, any suggestions on how I can deal with his attitude?  Have any of you
felt similarily about your husband's support?  Have any husband's out there
gotten a similar response from their wife?  How did you resolve it?

Thanks for any help you can offer -- I can't deal with 7 months of this
kind of BS.

Roma
PS.  Please mail -- there's too much stuff to wade through on misc.kids
these days

romal@sco.COM


Newsgroups: misc.kids