From: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Newsgroups: alt.flame
Subject: The Tim 'n' Tom Show!
Summary: Episode 1: The Boys At Home
Keywords: crash, putz, idiot, Cherrystone clam
Date: 27 Aug 92 17:08:38 GMT
Reply-To: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Followup-To: alt.flame,alt.stupidity
Organization: Just Some Guy
Originator: swb@mickey.cc.utexas.edu

And now on BBC 1: The Tim 'n' Tom show!

(opening theme: catchy, light-hearted music, like "What's Happenin'")

Starring: Tim! (music shifts to catchy, light-hearted British music, like
                Hindemith)

And Tom! (music shifts to catchy, light-hearted German music, like the theme
          to the movie adaptation of Grass's "The Tim Drum")

Tim: So, Tom, how goes the election for NET-PUTZ?
Tom: Ah, but how very you mistaken are!  It Tim-Crash, who running for
     net.idiot is, is!
Tim: Nay, nay, old bean, old sofa, old silver tureen (*), but it is the
     ever-pompous, ever-English-butchering, ever-Swiss-Miss-commercial-yodelling
     Thomas F. who is running for the post.  Happy to clear up that mis-
     conception on your part.
(laugh track)
Tom: Clearly you brain out of your head fallen gehas.  Everyone, look!  Tim
     is a large moron, of epic proportions and largeness is!
Tim: But Tom, no one watches our show!  Our ratings are below that of Steve
     Franklin's Laugh-in!
(laugh track)
Tom: Just with that statement you how big an idiot have proven.
Tim: Is that so?
Tom: Of course!  Look at us!  We are reading, n'est pas?
(uproarious laugh track)
Tim: But Tom, old killfiled, old blowhard, old lip-mover, NO-ONE-ELSE-READS
     this thread, showing what a FUCKING-WASTE-OF-BANDWIDTH we are.
Tom: Oh, but this is where you are wrong, you write-off, you chowderhead,
     you income-tax-audit.  BUY CRASH-TIM A CLUE!  DO IT TODAY!  NOT DELAY, DO!
Tim: Tom, oh mentally challenged one, we are the only two out here, like Didi
     and Gogo, waiting for attention that we cannot receive.  We should be
     doing this verbal posturing via E-mail, since no one else FUCKING-CARES.
     This is why I am posting this FUCKING-WORLDWIDE, so that everyone might
     see how much brighter I am than you.
(laugh track of epic proportions, wheezing noises)
Tom: The mail has come, and it announces that you have taken your hereditary
     position on the Council of NET.IDIOTS.AND.INAPPROPRIATE.CAPITAL.LETTER.
     USERS.
Tim: Tom, you deranged pathological liar, you.  Everyone has switched channels,
     because you are a FUCKING-THOMAS-F-GRITZNER, which is the worst insult
     I can come up with EVER.  NO-ONE-IS-FUCKING-LISTENING, so I am repeating
     my WORLDWIDE-POSTS endlessly, in the hopes that you will understand
     that NO-ONE-FUCKING-CARES, and to hear myself talk.
Tom: Well, it nice to have someone listening is.  No one else will to you
     listen, and thusly I will to you pig noises anatomy phallic reference
     lead poisoning head-hole weasel-coughing make refer dance smack yell
     wish point ejaculate gesplutteren!
(otherworldly laugh track, cries of "No more!  No more!", crumhorns)
Tim: VOTE-NOW!-THOMAS-F-GRITZNER-FOR-NET-SCHMUCK-AND-LISTEN-TO-ME-DAMMIT-
     BECAUSE-I-HAVE-NOTHING-OF-IMPORT-TO-SAY-AND-SHOULD-BE-DOING-THIS-VIA-
     OTHER-MEANS-SO-I-WILL-POST-TO-EVERYONE-TO-SHOW-MY-SUPERIOR-LOGICAL-SKILLS!
Tom: You are not worth the effort to respond to, so I will do so at every
     opportunity!
Tim: Putz!
Tom: Idiot!
Tim: To quote the late John F. Kennedy, you are a jelly doughnut!
Tom: To quote the late Franklin Roosevelt, we nothing to fear have, but
     itself, fear!
Tim: Sousaphone!
Tom: Lemming merengue pie!
Tim: I have the last word!
Tom: Au contraire, mon frere!
Tim and Tom simultaneously: Ignore him!  Ignore him!  He is a worthless bozo
                            whose every statement is not worthy of attention,
                            which I know because I scrutinize his every word
                            in minute detail and live for his presence!
(submarine ayoooogah noises, coughing, sputtering, laughter)
(closing theme: catchy, light-hearted music, like Einsturzende Neubauten)

        Next week: The boys go bowling.

(*) Apologies to Douglas Adams.
--
Steve Buffum           | "I laughed until I stopped." -- Monty Python quoted
swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu |  quite grotesquely out of context.
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