From: Hal Muskat <hmuskat@igc.apc.org>
Subject: Humor: Interview w/ Sen. J. Helms
Followup-To: alt.activism.d
Originator: rich@pencil.cs.missouri.edu
Organization: ?
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 22:10:58 GMT

/* Written 10:54 am  Nov 15, 1992 by hmuskat@igc.apc.org in
igc:pn.opinions */
/* ---------- "MUSKAT: Interview w/ Sen. J. Helms" ---------- */
165 lines. About 8 screens?

Interview with Senator Jessie Helms at the San Francisco
International Airport. He is tie less, his shirt is rumpled from
the journey & chawing some chew.

Q: Senator Helms, thanks for a few minutes of your precious time.
May I begin the interview with a question about one of the most
significant issues you have faced as the primary legislator for &
protector of, America's tobacco industry?

A: Well, son, who do you say you write for?

Q: I thought I would be asking the questions Senator?

A: Depends on the question. I'm pleased you have chosen to
interview me, as you know, I am one of the most senior members of
our most democratic of institutions. As the voters of North
Carolina keep saying, I am of and for them. Are you from San
Francisco son? (he spits tobacco juice into a cup pulled from his
pocket.)

A: Is it true that with your assistance tobacco subsidies go to
the largest growers & campaign contributors?

Q: No. Then again m'boy, well they're the ones who need it most
because of the northern liberals, & the economic crunch brought on
by congress's refusal to enact the Presidents economic program.
Many of these good 'ol boys can't sell as much leaf as they used
to. The American taxpayer, even though many have quit smoking, see
the subsidies as a way to balance the budget and keep America
competitive abroad and if it's put like that, they don't mind the
tax dollars being spent this way or that, say for defense. (he
spits again)

Q: Isn't this trickle down to rich growers?

A: (spitting) Piss on you son!

Q: Really Senator, into water sports, eh? What do you make of the
persistent rumors of the good Senator being in bed with the
tobacco lobby?

A: It's for prophylactic purposes only and it is absolutely safe.
Nine out of ten doctors will tell you. Ha Ha Ha. Gufaw. You *are*
from San Francisco, aren't you boy?

Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that when lobbyists such as Mr.
Merryman or T. Lauria join you at your offices for lunch, music is
turned up, you demand not to be disturbed & secure all doors from
the inside?

A: Are you asking me about my private affairs? Did you say
Congressman Dornan from this funny state? (he spits again).

Q: Uh, no, well I hadn't mentioned his name, I said secure all
doors, but perhaps we can get back to Dornan. Isn't it a matter
for the American people what you & the tobacco lobby do with each
other behind closed doors? What gets passed between hands, so to
speak?

A. Absolutely not! He isn't a Sandinista damnit! And, it's none of
your damn business what I do behind closed doors and with
whomever. What's good for the goose is good for the goose.

Q: Why was it reported in the New York Times of October 15 that
the zipper to your trousers was open after exiting your office
lunch last Wednesday with lobbyists from the American Tobacco
Council?

A: I was gonna piss on a photo of Chomorro and Ortega, actually, I
have no comment. I think this so-called interview has gone far
enough! (Mary Lou [executive secretary] honey, fetch me a Miller
from that bag!) Damn cultural elite! Times you said? Where's that
fuckin beer Mary Lou! (spits again).

Q: Speaking of Nicaragua, under what conditions would you release
that $110 million?

A: Well, actually, none. As American tobacco farmers have proven,
growing this crop is a  safe, valuable and healthy commodity, at
least for big farmers, eh eh, and if the Nicaraguans, smoked more
tobacco, I would feel differently.  Look, they could use all this
DDT we can't use here to clear those foothills & the rain forests
and we can set up a Camel plant to produce locally grown tobacco.
They should be exporting this appetite suppressant to all poor and
starving nations in the area.  Christ, we can only sell so many
Mexican Marlboros down there. They screwed us anyway! It would
save us a lot of money. I don't like it that Castro doesn't smoke
cigars anymore or that Ortega quit smoking. If his brother quits
smoking, I will send the marines!  Fuck 'em, what's good for Mr.
Winston & Mr. Salem is good for America we say at home! (spits &
burps)

Q: How can you come down so hard homosexually, I mean against
homosexuality, when it is rumored you have a gay lover in the
tobacco lobby very handy with your manhood?

A: You're disgusting. Are you related to Paul Krassner?

Q: You didn't answer the question Senator.

A: I don't give blow jobs to anyone! I receive them, like a man!
When you get your cock sucked, you are not a fag! It's the fagot
doing the sucking.  I am not a faggot!

Q: Do you have safe sex?

A: Only with teenagers. I am opposed to abortion. Did Nadar send
you? I'm Pro-life. Listen kid, let me tell you something. The
Sandinista's cause a dangerous kind cancer to spread. I'm against
their kind. Check my record.  Smoking tobacco has nothing to do
with cancer. Besides, even if it did, cancer is an American
disease, made here & 100% exportable. Why just the medical
industry supporting it is a growth industry par none, & it's all
made in America. It is an economic necessity. If it weren't, do
you think I would support hundreds of millions of dollars in
tobacco subsidies over the years?  Marlboro's for all Central
America or my dick could be in a leafer faster then this interview
will conclude!

I'm opposed to the homosexual-Jewish-liberal lobby. When Negros
are added to the equation potential for all sorts of abuse is as
ripe as a Georgia peach in August! Now, that's a fruit! ha ha ha
gufaw. I don't have anything against homosexuals until they bend
over, ha ha ha gufaw. (spits). I wouldn't do anything to them that
I wouldn't do to the American people or to any other special
interest group that didn't show me proper respect.

Q: You mentioned our Congressman Dornan a few moments ago? He must
be on your mind. Do you get a certain amount of political
leadership from from him?  Do you anticipate working closely with
Representative Dornan on legislative matters?

A: Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Mr. Dornan comes in
quite handy at times, sort of like a pooper scooper. He's an
idiot, but a point guy nevertheless. George says and I agree with
him here, sometimes we need him, but don't trust the cock sucker,
if you know what I mean. Listen, any more questions? I have to
speak to those drunks at the Institute of American Tobacco Growers
in Honolulu tomorrow morning. I'm flying out on Pat Robertson's
plane & Congressman Dornan is waiting for me in the men's room.
Says he's going to do to me what my mama and daddy did - only
better! No, I'm kidding, that was just a joke. Is your tape
recorder still going?

Q: I hope he does Senator. What is your ultimate hope for the
American people Senator.

A: Good question. A troika of Dannemeyer, Dornan & Helms! I want
to see all red-blooded Americans chain smoking American tobacco.
Also, I am proposing federal legislation to remove state mandated
age requirements for tobacco purchases., It's discrimination of
the worse kind you know, age discrimination, so that any American
citizen, no matter if 8 or 80, may buy cigaretes. It's a free
country afterall. You are free to smoke tobacco and I am free to
continue subsidies to my friends.  That's the way it works. This
interview is over. Good day!

Interview concluded. Senator Helms farts as he rises to meet
Dornan who after winking at Helms, ducked into the men's room on
the other side of the waiting room.

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