Newsgroups: bit.listserv.christia
Date:         Fri, 24 Jul 1992 13:49:30 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Brenda Curry-White <BSCURR01@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Spiritual leadership in the home

Urban Research Institute
Phone: 502-588-6626

Roger Phyall writes:  "But we mortals are still going to ask *Who's the Boss?*
     So this mortal asks John (again) and others willing to share, who here on
     earth has the final word in your family with or without divine guidance??
     **Caution there's a little trick in that question."

This thread grows wearisome, but I will respond.  Neither my husband nor
myself asks "Who's the boss?"  We respect each other too much to get caught
up in games of simple one-up-manship.  Neither of us has the final word,
because emphasizing one partner's "right" to have a final word contradicts
the idea that at times one partner may have better insight into problem
solution, while in another situation the other partner might best know the
appropriate solution.

We often divide up the decisions that must be made.  First of
all, there are decisions about things that affect us as individuals.  For
those decisions, we can provide input to one another (and we each evaluate
that input very carefully), but the ultimate decision remains with the
individual whose choice it is.  For example, David is considering working
in our church with the missions educations program for young boys.  I can
provide input as to how I feel about his participating in the program, but
it is his decision.  Likewise, I chose to take a leadership role in our
church women's group.  That was my decision.  I had the final word after
considering his feelings.  Because I value the individual person that my
husband is, I let him be an individual.  Because he values me as an
individual, he lets me be an individual.

Secondly, there are decisions that affect both of us.  These are things like
where we will attend church, whether or not to rent a house as opposed to an
apartment, how we spend our money, etc.  Neither of us has the final word
on any of these decisions.  Because they affect us both, each of us is
deserving of equal consideration.  There has never been any decision that
we could not reach by mutual consensus.  At times we have had to
compromise, and at times one or the other of us has been less than happy
with the final decision, but we know and understand that to function as a
unit requires a certain amount of compromise (on both our parts).  We
always try to keep in mind the ultimate goal of being able to live together
peacably and happily for a long time, and this goal supercedes
any desire to always have the "final word."

In our marriage, respect doesn't mean that the husband carefully considers
my wishes and then makes whatever decision he will.  It means that together
we weigh the wishes of each other against the goal of being a happily married
God-centered couple and come to joint decisions with the best interests of
each other and our marriage in mind.

I lived on my own for six years before my husband and I married.  I paid my
own bills, did my own shopping, figured my own taxes, managed my own spiritual
growth, etc., etc.  Some would have us believe that marriage is supposed to
change such an independent woman into a dependent, lesser person.  I don't
believe the Bible says that at all.  It talks of headship and leadership, but
it also talks of mutual love and submission by the male partner.  This was
a very progressive teaching in a society that held to the idea of women
as property.  Women are no longer property, and I don't believe God created
us to be considered such.  Our fallen human incompleteness brought about
that image.  Christ restored equality.

Some would have us believe that marriage changes two individuals into
"one flesh" only (I hate that terminology--it's antiquated).  I am married,
and I am still the * person * that I was before.  My husband is still the
person that he was before, but we are so much more as well.  We have new
roles and new responsibilities to each other.

If you have a marriage that works based on placing the woman in a lesser
position, with the man always having the final word, fine.  But not all
marriages function that way, nor do I believe they have to.  My husband
and I have a mutually satisfying, fulfilling and God-centered marriage
based on mutual respect and equality.  It works.  In fact, it wouldn't work
any other way.  God brought us together, God keeps us together, and God has
given us the way of relating to each other that we have found.  It works
beautifully.

Brenda Curry-White
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU