From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  3.H
Date: 29 Sep 92 04:02:10 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





----------------------------------------------------

A few Stephen Wright quotes:

   "I lost a button hole today."

   "I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking
    his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell
    beating up a child."

   "I met her at Macy's.  She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on
    the escalator."

   "When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
    I was an only child........  eventually....."

   "Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
    his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...
    with braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and when he
    walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

   "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
    If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
    head."

   "Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo...  He got pretty
    good... He could go under a rug..."

    "All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
     synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried
     to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
     me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in
     the store..."

    "Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
     every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the
     entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

    "Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em"

    "He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
     ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
     in..."

    "I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
     them again..."
 
    "I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
     milkmen."

    "One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in
     the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
     building started up.... So I drove it around....  A policeman stopped
     me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 
     'Right here'...  Then I drove my building onto the middle of a 
     highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
     hell out of my driveway."

     "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

     "I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why
     haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want...
     my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you
     had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on
     it."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
[slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

"I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every
once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......
it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"......

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?"

"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix.  I
looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it
up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven
Wright?'...I said 'Yes...'  The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to
know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it
he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it you never called
me again."

----------------------------------------------------

From a card:
Two men pictured on the front, involved in a duel, with pistols.  One has
fired, the bullet whistling past the other's head.  The other gent still has 
his unfired weapon poised for a shot.  The caption: "I missed you today...",
and on the inside, "I hope you miss me too."

----------------------------------------------------

   A famous phrase that Ho Chi Minh used to say is "Nothing is more precious
than Independence and Freedom".  Ho left this world in 1969 before he could
accomplish what he said.  Thirteen years after the communist North Vietnam
took over the South, Ho went back from hell to visit the new Vietnam.  He
came to a Poliburo meeting and asked the Party's leader, "What have you guy
accomplished after I've gone?"  The Party's leader replied, "Dear Uncle Ho, we
have accomplished the first word you preached, there is 'Nothing' now".

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	What were the greatest banking transactions mentioned in the Bible?

	1) When Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushs and came out with
	   a little prophet
	
	2) When Moses led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan

----------------------------------------------------

A few history books tell of Helen of Spud.

She had, of course, a face that launched a thousand chips...

(err, perhaps that should be "lunched?")

----------------------------------------------------

When I bought some new glasses a few months ago, the lady kept on saying
how great the lenses were that I was getting.  She kept on saying,
``You can shoot a bullet right through them.''  I figured you could do
this with most lenses, but I didn't say anything.

----------------------------------------------------

ObJoke: Why are there so many lawyers in Philadelphia, and so many
toxic waste dumps in New Jersey?

New Jersey got to pick first.

----------------------------------------------------

	On a clear disk you can seek forever.

----------------------------------------------------

I saw one in which someone took a "Save the Whales" bumper sticker,
cut out a letter and turned one upside-down to spell:

           "Save the Males"

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Business Week, October 17:

Laura Newman's business is selling information on local real-estate transactions.
 But when she was working out of her home, people calling for information
thought she was a flake.  In the background they'd hear a baby crying or
a TV blaring.  Not very impressive.  She solved the problem by playing a
tape of typical office sounds: clacking typewriters, ringing phones, etc.
 It was so convincing that clients would apologize for calling at a busy time.

----------------------------------------------------

Q : What does a Chinese cook say to his children the first thing
    in the morning?
A : Rice and Shine.

Q : What does a Chinese lumberjack do?
A : Chop sticks.

Q : What is the name of the most favorite T.V. game show in China?
A : Wheel of Fortune Cookies.

Q : What does a Chinese cook do for exercise?
A : He goes to a Wok.

----------------------------------------------------

A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:
What kind of work do you do? they were asked.
My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher, the wife replied.
Any children? asked a committee member.
Yes, 7 & 8 years old, the wife replied.
Animals? asked another committee member.
Oh no!  They're very well-behaved! 

----------------------------------------------------

Here's the first one:
How come diamonds are a girl's best friend, but a man has to settle for a dog?

----------------------

Life's little mystery:  How can a two pound box of candy make you gain 5 pounds?
	
----------------------

If you have a tendency to brag, just remember:  
     It's not the whistle that pulls the train.

----------------------------------------------------

Seems this American, a Chezkolsavakian, and a Russian are traveling
through Europe on a train. The American is pffing on a cigarrette.
He gets down to the last 1/2 inch or so that tends to really taste
like butt. So he tosses it out the window. The Russian dives for 
the smoke, but misses. He tells the American;

"Stupid American! In Russia we kill for that much tobbacco!"
The American responds, "We have pleanty of tobbacco in America."

So the Russian proceeds to drink on his bottle of Vodka (Wodka) 
untill he gets to the last 1/2 inch or so which is mostly backwash
anyway. He tosses the bottle out the window. The Chezk dives for the
bottle before it leaves the train, but too late. He tells the Russian;

"Stupid Rusian! In Cheskolsavakia we would kill for that much Vodka!"
The Russian responds, "In Russia we have pleanty of Vodka (Wodka)." 

Well alittle time passes and then the Chezk grabs the Russian, bites
his ear clean off, and tosses him out the window. The American dives
for the Russian, but too late. The American totally flabergasted says
to the Chezk;

"Are you CRAZY?!!"
The Chezk responds;
"Don't worry. In Chezkolsavakia we have pleanty of Russians."

----------------------------------------------------

The following were found in a cross stitch book of sayings.  You may have
heard some of these already.

1.	A closed mouth gathers no foot

3.	God created a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair

4.	There's no reason for it, its just OUR POLICY

6.	After 40 its patch, patch, patch

7.	If I'd know that I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better
	care of myself

8.	No matter where I go, there I am

----------------------------------------------------------------

        Fumbling The Future
            How Xerox invented, then ignored, the first personal computer

        by Smith and Alexander
        William Morrow and Co.

Starring Bob Taylor, Butler Lampson, Dave Liddle, Gary Starkweather, Jack
Goldman, Peter McColough, John Ellenby, Jerry Elkind, Shelby Carter, ...

Stacey's Bookstore in Palo Alto sold out their first shipment in two days.
     (Palo Alto Reseach Center, Parc, is where Xerox did the research.)

----------------------------------------------------

	The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.
	He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.
	But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are
	given to administer we presently imagine we own.  -- H.G. Wells

----------------------------------------------------

There was a cannibal walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal.  Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu

	Broiled Missionary	$25.00

	Fried Explorer		$35.00

	Baked Politician	$100.00

The customer called the cook over and asked "why such a price difference
for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

----------------------------------------------------

A Dukakis aide walked into the meeting with the poll results from the Quayle-Bentsen
debate and presented Dukakis with the results......

"We got some good news and some bad news sir.  The good news is that Bentsen
won the debate hands down and it looks like 80 percent of those polled would
vote for the democratic ticket."

"well, that's great news!  What could be so bad after hearing news like that?"

"Almost all of that 80 percent said they would shoot you after the election."

----------------------------------------------------

CI caught the end of a Mark Russell repeat last night on PBS.  He was satirizing
the 1980 presidential campaign (you know, the one that featured Jimmy and
Ronny).  Here are two lines which I thought were not only funny, but also
just as valid today as they were in '80 (maybe even moreso). 

"My greatest fear is that...
		 one of the candidates...
					will win."

"One thing I know for sure...
		is that whoever wins...
				he'll be the evil of two lessers."

----------------------------------------------------

Canadian elections: The Rhinoceros Party
Quote from the leader of the Rhinoceros Party.

   "You can't expect to fool some of the people all of the time, or
all of the people some of the time, but if you can fool the majority
of the people at election time, that's time enough!"

----------------------------------------------------

From the space dl...

    In a bizarre experiment designed to  simulate  life  in  space,  the
    Gambian  Air Force welded four men in the cab of a 1957 Chevy pickup
    and left them there for sixteen days.  The WEEKLY WORLD NEWS reports
    that  the  men  were  hospitalized with heatstroke after being freed
    from their  "spacecraft".  General  Dembo  Ceesay,  the  top-ranking
    officer  in  the  Gambian  Air Force (which has yet to buy its first
    plane), defended the tests, saying they "are imperative if we are to
    reap the benefits of interplanetary exploration and trade".

----------------------------------------------------

     The following is regrettably anecdotal and I wish I had more
firsthand info on it; anyway, here goes:

     For one of his tours, Stevie Wonder contracted with Northwest Sound
to build a set of PA speakers of extraordinary capability -- response
nearly flat out to 45 kHz, etc.  A few weeks into the tour, though,
the performances seemed to be souring.  Everybody -- artists, crew,
even the audience -- seemed irritable and impatient.  Indeed, the
performances started out well enough, but an hour or so into the
show the audience became testy and actually were moved to boo during
pauses, for no apparent reason.

     Finally, during one show, one of the sound guys was examining
the audio spectrum analyzer screen, and mistakenly pushed the 20 kHz -
200 kHz range button instead of the 2 kHz - 20 kHz button.  Imagine
his alarm at the sight of a potent 28 kHz component, the product of
all the synthesizers' DAC update clocks.  It was lying just outside
the (ordinarily) high hearing limit of 20 kHz, so it was never noticed
by the sound crew and their instrumentation.  Cause discovered, the
noxious 28 kHz spike was eliminated with an equalizer, and everybody
went home happy but chastened.

     The person who related this story to me suspects that the event
is not widely known, being of large embarrassment and trivial cause.
Is he right?  Has anyone else heard about this?

----------------------------------------------------

Woman charges ex-husband put false statements on reunion survey

St. Paul, MN (AP) - A woman has sued her ex-husband, claiming he filled out
her class reunion questionnaire with deflamatory information, including that
one of her hobbies is "looking for new and wealthier husbands."

In a suit filed in Ramsey County District Court, Sharon K. Silver alleges
that her former husband, Gerald H. Pfeffer of Willernie, received the reunion
questionnaire and sent it back with false allegations.

The responses were published in a reunion publication and seen by 100 former
classmates, according to the suit.

Under the heading "Achievements most proud of," Pfeffer wrote, according
to the suit, "My three divorces and how each time I married into more money
to the point where I am now living on the $400,000 settlement and interest
from my third divorce."

The suit also said Pfeffer wrote that his ex-wife's hobbies were night clubbing,
partying and looking for new and wealthier husbands.

Under the heading "Secret Ambition or Fantasy," the suit claims Pfeffer wrote:
"Seeing if I can't get married as many times as Liz Taylor and gain my riches
through divorces instead of working."

Pfeffer could not be reached for comment on Wednesday.

The reunion committee for Silver's class of 1958 sent out questionnaires
last spring asking for information to be included in a publication for former
classmates, the suit said.

Silver, who now lives in West Virginia, claims the questionnaire fell into
Pfeffer's hands when it was mailed to her old address in Willernie.

She is seeking in excess of $50,000 in damages, claiming a loss of reputation.

[From the San Jose Mercury News, October 7, 1988 edition]