HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: engp2024@nusunix2.nus.sg (ALI NAJAFI)
Subject: Who sent this question?
Organization: National University of Singapore
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 03:22:05 GMT

Once I asked the Oracle a question. For its payment, the Oracle sent me the 
following question: 

> Sir.
> I read the instructions, well I sort of did.  I got you some gravel, what are
> you doing with it all?  Repaving your driveway?  well anyway, I have this
> question, well, more like questions.  Questionettes if you will.  Be that as
> it may, all of my questionettes rely on a positive answer to the first main
> question.  Enough banter, here goes, sir.
>
> Last night I was watching some arcane cable channel, and the announcer informe
d
> his audience that we were to be "taken" to s******d to watch ametuer "hurling"
> My queston is:
>
> Do the s*****sh really believe that vomiting is a sport?
>
> That was the main question.  if you could see fit to answering some of these
> questionettes I would appreciate it.
>
> If the s*****sh do view vomiting as a sport, how is it judged?
> does distance count?  Is credit given for neatness?  Is it a team
> or an individual sport?  What do the player[s] eat beforehand?
> Is it an indoor or outdoor sport?
> Thankyou Sir.


I liked the composition of the beginning part of this question; it is very nice. 
I prepared an answer and sent it back to the Oracle. However, I didn't note to
include something in the answer to show I liked the beginning part of the
question. Anyway, I don't know who sent this question. whoever you are, 
you made it great.

A final note: I deliberately changed two words in the question to s******d and
s*****sh so that nobody is offended.

ali.

email: "ali%ee.nus.sg"@nuscc.nus.sg
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Originator: mikea@casbah.acns.nwu.edu
Organization: Chaos
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 16:10:17 GMT


kring@efes.physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring) writes:

>It seems I am missing something here.
>Are there any tags around saying "Do NOT remove this tag under penalty of law"
>All the talk about mattresses makes me guess they have such a tag, but I fail
>to see the sense in such a thing...

Mattresses in the USA have a tag on them saying "Do not remove this tag
under penalty of law."  These tags are apparently legal for the owner of
the mattress to remove, but not the salesperson.  

It's one of the more inane and useless laws that we in the USA labor under.


Mike Atkinson
Oracle Priest
-- 
Michael A. Atkinson    | "Macintoy" is Copyright (c)1992 by 
asbestos@nwu.edu       |                 Chaos Organization.
                         
            A Libertarian and an NRA member.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: mtabbott@unix.amherst.edu (MTA)
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Organization: Amherst College
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL7]
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 22:15:07 GMT

Michael A. Atkinson (asbestos@nwu.edu) wrote:
: kodak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Jason 'KodaK' Balicki) writes:
: 
: >I'd like to praise the authors of both the question and devine answer
: >of #517-07, the space-time-matress one.  By far the one of the best 
: >I've ever read.
: 
: Well, I agreed :-).
: 
: That certainly was one of the best Oracularities that I have passed, and
: it's stuff like this that keeps me in the Oracle Priest business.
: 
: 
: Mike Atkinson
: Oracle Priest

I wrote the the answer on 517-07, but it was so easy given the great question--
a total setup.  When I first got the question, I laughed for about an hour...
the humor in most Oracularities is in the answer, but it's best when the
question is itself hilarious.  So, thanks, mattress-man.  

		MT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: kodak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Jason 'KodaK' Balicki)
Subject: #517-07 one of the best!
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.test
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Distribution: rec
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 05:58:53 GMT


I'd like to praise the authors of both the question and devine answer
of #517-07, the space-time-matress one.  By far the one of the best 
I've ever read.

--Jason Balicki
kodak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (J. Furr)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Date: 12 Jan 93 20:05:14 GMT
Organization: Virginia Center for Lemur Fandom, Blacksburg, Virginia, USA (subscribe to alt.fan.lemurs TODAY)

In article <1993Jan12.161017.20293@news.acns.nwu.edu> asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) writes:
>
>kring@efes.physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring) writes:
>
>>It seems I am missing something here.
>>Are there any tags around saying "Do NOT remove this tag under penalty of law"
>>All the talk about mattresses makes me guess they have such a tag, but I fail
>>to see the sense in such a thing...
>
>Mattresses in the USA have a tag on them saying "Do not remove this tag
>under penalty of law."  These tags are apparently legal for the owner of
>the mattress to remove, but not the salesperson.  
>
>It's one of the more inane and useless laws that we in the USA labor under.

Hardly.  The tags clearly say that the tag cannot be removed before sale. 
The customer can tear them off with wild abandon. The purpose of this is
to prevent used bedding from being resold, a public health risk when it
takes place.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: mtabbott@unix.amherst.edu (MTA)
Subject: The Oracle Works in mysterious ways
Organization: Amherst College
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL7]
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 05:44:17 GMT

I am amazed at the quickness of the Oracle.  Downright miraculous.  I answered
a slew of questions around 4 or so, then went out for the evening; upon 
returning at midnight, I found I'd received a new Digest which contained two
of answers from mere HOURS before!  What a rockin' and efficient Priesthood.

		MTA
From: bathtemp@Oswego.EDU (unknown)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Usenet Oracularities Digest #517
Date: 12 Jan 93 20:17:26 GMT
Reply-To: bathtemp@oswego.Oswego.EDU (unknown)
Organization: Instructional Computing Center, SUNY at Oswego, Oswego, NY

close testcommunications news

that's nice
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: barnett@convex.com (Paul Barnett)
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 19:28:05 GMT
Organization: Engineering, CONVEX Computer Corp., Richardson, Tx., USA
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by a user at CONVEX Computer
              Corp. The opinions expressed are those of the user and
              not necessarily those of CONVEX.

In <1993Jan12.161017.20293@news.acns.nwu.edu> asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) writes:

>Mattresses in the USA have a tag on them saying "Do not remove this tag
>under penalty of law."  These tags are apparently legal for the owner of
>the mattress to remove, but not the salesperson.  

This is true for most furniture with a cushion, I think.  Anyway, I
wanted to add that it is a common US joke that the police will show up
and haul you off to jail if you remove the tags, and some variation of
it has probably been used by every stand-up comedian.

Another favorite of mine is the "drug stamp".  Some states require
that a stamp be affixed to any quantity of illegal drugs.  Presumably,
if they can't charge someone with possession or some other crime, they
can get them for failure to pay the "stamp tax".  The only people that
buy them are stamp collectors.

--
Paul Barnett
MPP OS Development     (214)-497-4846
Convex Computer Corp.  Richardson, TX
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: kodak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Jason 'KodaK' Balicki)
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Keywords: mattress tags
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 23:08:46 GMT

In article <mshulman.25.726871990@genghis.borland.com> mshulman@genghis.borland.com (Michael Shulman) writes:
>
>Of course, all of the mattresses in =my= house still have all of their
>tags, 'cause I don't like to take a lot of risks...

Why, after reading this story I immediately set out to rip every tag
I could find off furniture (a whopping 2, BTW) in the hopes of 
obtaining god-like powers.

When that didn't work I went to a furniture store and started, but
when I told them what I was doing they called my friends in the
white suits.  I like them, they always try to make me feel warm
by putting a warm jacket on me.

>-ms


--Jason Balicki
kodak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: mshulman@genghis.borland.com (Michael Shulman)
Subject: Re: #517-07 one of the best!
Keywords: mattress tags
Organization: Borland International
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 20:53:10 GMT

In article <1993Jan12.161017.20293@news.acns.nwu.edu> asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) writes:
>
>Mattresses in the USA have a tag on them saying "Do not remove this tag
>under penalty of law."  These tags are apparently legal for the owner of
>the mattress to remove, but not the salesperson.  
>
>It's one of the more inane and useless laws that we in the USA labor under.

Actually, most of the tags say:

	This tag may not be removed, except by the consumer.
                                     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Of course, all of the mattresses in =my= house still have all of their
tags, 'cause I don't like to take a lot of risks...

-ms

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: skip@rosalyn.stat.uga.edu (Skip Gundlach)
Subject: Re: Gastronomic eruptions 
Organization: UGA Statistics Department
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1993 00:12:52 GMT

In article <1993Jan7.171135.17884@schbbs.mot.com> sjacobi@mailbox.fwrdc.rtsg.mot.com (Sidney Jacobi) writes:
>    I'm sorry, but this is stupid. This kind of tripe is not 
>funny, and doesn't belong in rec.humor.
>
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>//  Sid A. Jacobi                          _       _                //
>//  Electrical Engineer                   /\ \    /\ \              //
>//  General Systems Sector               /  \ \  /  \ \             //
>//  Cellular Infrastructure Group       / /\ \ \/ /\ \ \            //
>//  Ft. Worth Research and Development / / /\ \/ / /\ \ \           //
>//  5555 N. Beach, Ft. Worth, TX.     / / /  \  / /  \ \ \          //
>//  Work:(817) 232-6385.             / / /    \/_/    \ \_\ OTOROLA //
>//  FAX: (817) 232-6134              \/_/              \/_/         //
>//  Email: sjacobi@mailbox.fwrdc.rtsg.mot.com                       //
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

If *that* was stupid, what is the joke in your post?  Seriously, if
"that" is/was stupid and doesn't belong in rec.humor, what about all
the interminable threads without even a hint of a joke?!

OBJ (from an interview in Playboy, with Roxanne Pulitzer, but not
joking - rather, repeating her experience with hubby prior to the
divorce, each day at 1 PM - amazing what you can do if you have enough
money and brass):  "What do you say to a little fuck?"

"Hello, little fuck."

-- 
Skip Gundlach .nosig (Sorry, that's the best I could do on short
notice, and I'm not even an electrician...) 


Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: petitc@nuge101.its.rpi.edu (Christopher Jon Petit)
Subject: Re: interesting christian-surname combinations
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 17:34:57 GMT

susv2040@altair.selu.edu writes:

>In article <1993Jan9.183537.1168@athena.mit.edu>, dmchamb@athena.mit.edu (Dawn M Chamberlain) writes:
>> There was a family of mostly doctors who used to live down the street from me,
>> last name Coffin - another encouraging name!  Also, some one who lives in my dorm
>> is named Justin Payne.
>> 
>> Dawn Chamberlain
>> dmchamb@athena.mit.edu



>My cousin is a gynecologist -- His name?    Dr. Love.

 Reminds me of something I want to hear...

 "Dr. Feelgood...Dr. Feelgood...Report to Gynecology immediately..."

-- 
Cat Owner/Passionate Romantic/Poet/Singer/Dreamer/Philosopher...
That's me!  Modest?  Sometimes.  Crazy?  BETTER BELIEVE IT!! :&)
"The greatest beauty in the world is beauty that is private."
"Protect endangered species!  Contribute to the Exxon Supporter's Fund!"
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mueller@schaefer.math.wisc.edu (Carl Douglas Mueller)
Subject: WANTED : Blind Date list
Reply-To: mueller@math.wisc.edu
Organization: Univ. of Wisconsin Dept. of Mathematics
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 93 20:48:52 GMT

Not long ago I came across a list of how to get rid of a blind date.
(I don't recall where I saw it.)  As a friend recently had a not so
great experience on a blind date, I thought he might like the list.
If anyone has it, could they send it to me?  Or direct me to it?  
Or post it?
 
 Thanks.             Carl Mueller (mueller@math.wisc.edu)
From: ylaec@westminster.ac.uk (Immanuel Burton)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Sheep jokes.
Date: 5 Jan 93 12:59:22 GMT
Organization: University of Westminster


Hello, everyone.

I am currently collecting sheep jokes.  Does anyone out there either have
some (preferably lots), or else does anyone know of an ftp site that has
some (preferably lots)?

As I don't get this newsgroup, I should be grateful if people would email me
direct.  If there is sufficient response, I will post again.

Thanks in advance.

Immanuel Burton.
University of Westminster.
ylaec@sun.pcl.ac.uk.
From: terjej@edb.tih.no (Terje Johansen,o90b)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: An occupied country
Date: 10 Jan 93 14:39:45 GMT
Reply-To: terjej@edb.tih.no
Posting-Front-End: Winix Conference v 92.05.15  1.20 (running under MS-Windows)

From 1940 to 1945, Norway was occuped by Nazi-Germany.
One should not think that humor was much present these
years, but as a matter of fact humor is one of an 
occupied country's main defense weapons. Here`s a few
jokes that have survived...

Sideline: Vidkun Quisling was the Norwegian facist 
politican that became a traitor, defecting to the Nazis.
He became prime minister with german "support", and 
coined the term "Quisling".

Two Norwegians were walking on the street, talking. 
-These days, said the first, I prefer to work for
the Krauts.
-Damn brownshirt! said the other angrily. -What 
do you work as, anyway?
-I am a gravedigger, said the other one, smiling...

Vidkun Quisling was coming to the german Headquarters 
for a meeting. Outside, he was stopped by a german 
Wehrmacht-guard.
Quisling gave the Nazi salute, and said: -Quisling!
Upon which the guard replied: -And your name?

(Bear Island is a small island on the coast of North
Norway, known for a most inhabitable climate)
On the height of NS' popularity (Nasjonal Samling, 
Quisling's party) there were 50 000 members.
One day, a NS brownshirt was jeering to a former friend 
whom had vowed to send all NS-members to Bear Island 
when the war was won: -And how are you to find room for
us all on Bear Island now? We are becoming quite
a crowd...
-Not to fear, said the other grinning, we'll land you
on low tide....

This is a TRUE story. On Aker Mek, a mechanical warft 
in Oslo, the norwegian resistance made Sten guns; 
english submachineguns, under the nose of the germans. 
They never were caught. Once, a brownshirt became 
curious, but he was whispered not to meddle - it 
was a secret Kraut-job...

A german officer, less brown than many others, got on
sociable terms with a norwegian, and they sometimes  
got to talk on frank terms. On day they were talking 
about the V2-weapons that just then were hitting 
London.
-Did you know that Hitler has a V3 in his stores too, 
to be used if the war goes really bad? 
said the officer.
-No, said the other, what kind of weapon is that?
-It is a white flag on a long pole....








-- 
Terje Johansen at Trondheim College of Engineering, Norway.

War isn't fought to decide who is right
   but who is left.
From: C128J8Q7@ubvm.cc.buffalo.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Please Submit Elephant Jokes.
Date: 7 Jan 93 22:44:40 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo

I'm interested in compiling a list of elephant jokes.  If you have any, it
doesn't matter how lame, please submit them.
 
 
                                             Thank-you
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: julie@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas)
Subject: Re: READ MY LIPS (PART 2)
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, CA
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 17:36:37 GMT


Sorry folks, my last post was cut off. 

To continue:

Obhumor:  
I think the Far Side thread is great.  Anyway, I must add yesterday's
to my list of all time favorites.  People are staggering out of
a crashed plane and two bears are looking at them saying
"Oh no.  More airplane food."

Candidate for a net far side:
Person sitting at a computer.  Caption:  Gary Larson at the
computer.  

What's he doing?  Making ascii cow pictures of course.


Julie
DISCLAIMER:  All opinions here belong to my cat and no one else
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 12:45:23 EST
From: <BAV2@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: So this man goes to the doctor, and ....
 <1993Jan4.213447.27920@clipper.ingr.com>

>
>So, this man goes to the doctor because his arm was hurting.  The doctor looks
>him over, listens to his heart, thumps on his chest, etc.  When he's done he
>gives them man a bottle and tells him to bring him a urine sample from the
>firsttime he goes in the morning.
>
>Now the man thinks this is crazy and tells the doctor so.  The doctor says
>nevermind, just do it.  The get into a bit of an argument over this but the
>doctor
>prevails.
>
>So, the man goes home with the bottle.  The more he thinks about it, the madder
>he gets.  The next morning after he pees in the bottle, he has his wife pee in
>it, then his daughter and then his dog.  The man takes the bottle to the
>doctor's office thinking to himself he put one over on the doctor.
>
>The doctor tells him to come back in a couple of days for the test results.
>
>So, a couple of days later our friend goes back to the doctor's office.  The
>doctor calls him into the office and pulls out the exam results and reads them
>to him.  First, says the doctor, your wife is pregnant, your daughter has VD,
>your dog is in heat, and if you don't stop playing with yourself, your arm will
>never get better.
>
In fact the better version of a doctor's answer is: when you play with
himself, stay away from the wall: your arm hurts
-Boris
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (xyz)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Men jokes
Date: 12 Jan 1993 19:24:51 GMT
Organization: Human Genome Center at LBL
Distribution: world
Reply-To: prem@prem.lbl.gov (xyz)
NNTP-Posting-Host: prem.lbl.gov


In article <C0p859.4zD@mach1.wlu.ca>, macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod
heather) writes:
|> Just found this list of men jokes!  Hope you like them!  (No flames, please!
|> I've got enough penpals!!)

   YOU've got pals ?? With this attitude ??

|> Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
|> A. Bonds mature.
 
       Q. What's the difference between government bonds and women?
       A. You sometimes can make a profit from bonds.
       A. You can trade your bonds.

|> Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
|> A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

       Q. Er.... What exactly do you vacuum with ??

|> Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
|> A. E.T. phoned home.

       Q. What's the difference between a woman and E.T.?
       A. E.T. went home.

|> Q. Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
|> A. When the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
|> 
       Q. Why is it bad that we now have female astronauts?
       A. She might want to drive.


       Prem!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
Subject: Re: Adult Smilies
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 00:47:40 GMT

cwa@oasis.icl.co.uk (Chris Adams) writes:
>Yea what do all these wierd symbols mean anyway. I see loads of
>	:-)

This one is a close approximation of ancient symbols meaning "Spank me
naked, Satan."

>	8)

And this one means, "I love to drink the blood of babies."  These are
the relatively tame ones.


>And other such stuff on the net, What the hell to they mean?
>Excuse me if I'm being really slow...

Actually, just look at them with your head tilted to the left...  The
":" is a pair of eyes, the "-" is an optional nose, and the ")" is a
smiling mouth.  On the second one, there's no nose, and he's wearing
glasses.  Here's my favorite:

	d8)   - smiling guy with a baseball cap.

There's a huge list of these that's posted every now and then.

-- 
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"?
From: babar+@pitt.edu (Jonggu Moon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: scientist joke list
Date: 10 Jan 93 15:36:07 GMT
Article-I.D.: blue.1619
Organization: University of Pittsburgh


You want to know the heigh of a building you have a barometer:

1: Attacht barometer to end of string long enough to reach the ground 
   from the top of the building. Swing this pendulum.
   Record frequency of oscilation and magnitude and weight of the barometer.
1.1: or you could just measure that resulting string.

1) Climb up the building marking the wall in units of barometer with a 
   marker.

a: Drop barometer from top and record the time to hit the ground.
   use 9.8 m/s/s

erste: measure the lenght of the shadow in units of barometers,
       find the angle of the shadow by moving the barometer along the 
       ground until its top is just covered by the shadow.

I: goto the architect of the building and say I'll give you this nice
   shiney barometer if you would tell me the height of the building.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dc@ais.org (David Daniels)
Subject: PC list
Organization: UMCC
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 00:11:35 GMT


Anyone have a list of PC terms? 
If so I'd appreciate it if you could mail em' to me. 

Thanks.dc@ais.org

-- 
Paranoia:  A cat with a long tail in a room full of rocking chairs
E-Mail  :  Dc @ ais.org   - Peace -           
... Today I didn't even have to use my A.K.  I gotta say it was a good day.
      - Ice Cube | The Predator - 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: relkind@jade.tufts.edu (Rob 'SX' Elkind)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: READ MY LIPS...
Date: 4 Jan 93 23:47:59 GMT
Organization: Tufts University - Medford, MA


It's got a beat, you can dance to it, I give it a five.  Jim?

Well... it wasn't funny enough, but I like the swears.  I rate it a six.
--
---Rob Elkind --- 
   Marlboro, MA                  <=^\.  _ _      "Make Music
                                     \\,//        After Midnight"
                                      \_/