From: xtkmg@trentu.ca (Kate Gregory)
Subject: Re: Congratulating (het) parents on their new baby
Organization: Trent University, Ontario
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 14:02:15 GMT

In article <Bzo2DH.DFx@cs.columbia.edu> ji@cs.columbia.edu (John Ioannidis) writes:
>Every once in a while I'll read on the local bboards in the places I
>have accounts at, that Mr&Mrs so-and-so had a brand new baby, vital
>
>1. Is it a het thing, and I just don't understand?
No. It is a parent thing, and you just don't understand. I found
these very boring before I had my daughter.

>2. Is there something intrinsic to be proud of on the part of the
>father? The only thing he has proven so far is that he has a working
>reproductive system.
>3. WRT #2 above, is the father being congratulated on his bedroom
>prowess, and the mother on being fertile? (Of course, it could be
>congratulating the father for putting up with his wife, and the mother
>for actually going through the trouble of having a baby, but I somehow
>doubt that this is the case).
Neither. You really don't understand, do you? You are congratulating
them for their excellent luck. You are acknowledging that it took a
long time for them to become parents, that it was difficult for them
both (and if you think fathers only deliver sperm and then relax,
you have some growing up to do before you become one by whatever
means) and that sometimes pregnancies or adoption procedures do not
end happily and you are glad this one did.

>4. Why do we never see such messages by same-sex couples? Or single
>parents? Or adoptive parents? 
We? Speak for yourself. I see such messages from adoptive parents and
single parents with great regularity. I can't recall a same-sex parent
announcement of a birth, though I have sent congratulatory messages
to women in same sex relationships who've mentioned or announced
pregnancies here in soc.motss.

>5. Am I the only one with the (suppresed) urge to post followups along
>the lines of "who cares?" or "only 10 pounds? You can hardly make a
>pot roast out of that!"
I have no idea whether other people think being really really rude
to people who have shared their happiness with you would be fun.
I sure don't. Almost everything posted to the net is a "Who cares"
to someone. The answer is "lots of people but apparently not you. Next!"

>6. Should I really be working on finishing my thesis and not bothering
>soc.motss with my morning (very late night, actually) bitchiness?
Oh yes. Very much so. And when you finish the thesis, be sure to post
here that you're finally done. People like me, who've been through it
and remember what it feels like, will probably congratulate you though
we've never met and don't even know your topic. Maybe if you're lucky
someone will sneer at you because it doesn't weigh enough. :-)

Actually, there is  also a practical reason for announcing births,
adoptions, and thesis-finishings. These things take time, and over
that time all sorts of people know that you are working on them
and wonder how it's going and how it turned out. Did they have a boy
or girl? Did the agency finally let them adopt? Did the committee
finally hold the oral exam? It is part of politeness to let all
those wonderers know the answers to their questions, and yet
since most of them are lurkers you can hardly send them all mail.
The counterpart in real life is the newspaper announcement or the
letter back to the alumni magazine. It is part of being in society.
You don't need to think what they did (getting a degree, starting a
business, moving to California, having a child) is a good thing
just to want to know whether or not they did it.

Kate