From: jill@gopher.ccbr.umn.edu (Jill Hollifield)
Subject: Re: Guilt & weight
Organization: Coordinating Centers For Biometric Research, University of Minnesota
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 15:19:12 GMT

In article <alberti.719180095@staff.tc.umn.edu> alberti@ux.acs.umn.edu (Theresa J Alberti) writes:
>In <93076@netnews.upenn.edu> crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu (Lauren L. Crawford) writes:
>
>I know that my essential journey now is to come to love, appreciate and
>nurture myself today.  With all those negative voices from the past in my head,
>this isn't an easy task.
>
>I'm curious about the two women in this post (and anyone else who is finding
>themselves beautiful at last):  How did you start to feel this way?
>What events led up to it?  Do you still find yourself getting down in the
>dumps about being large sometimes, or are you able to toss it off easily?
>
>--Theresa Jarosz Alberti
>-- 
>--                                                                          --

Oh boy, this is great!

I'm 5'8", long curly black hair, perfect white skin, big brown eyes,
and 285 lbs.  For most of my life, the only thing that mattered to
me about my looks was that last number.  But in the 4 years since
I've graduated from college, I've started a journey of discovery 
about my own beauty, worth, and right to be happy and content.  I *do*
still find myself down in the dumps (and am usually pushed there bu
rude remarks from strangers, snickers and stares), but I'm trying
to learn that their rudeness is *their* problem, and I'm more than
"just fine" the way I am.

I am an actress and singer, and as such, spend a lot of my time in
front of strangers.  But this is the first place I really felt 
comfortable in my skin.  I do believe that I have to work a little
harder to win my audiences over, that they have to get over the
"shock" of my size, but I get so caught up in the joy of performance
that it just radiates from me, and draws them in.  This was my first
taste of comfort with my *whole* self - I realized if I could be
comfortable and happy in very risky situation like that, maybe it
didn't matter so much that I was the fattest woman in my aerobics
class, maybe I didn't have to feel self-conscious at the mall or in
a restaurant.  I started to try to transfer my joy in myself as a
performer into joy in myself as a human being.  Yes, I do have worth
onstage and off!  

With men, its been a different and more difficult story.  Most of my
relationships have been with totally unsuitable people - substance
abusers, unavailable men (married, gay, or otherwise "taken") - and
the pattern really puzzled me.  *Why* did I always fall for guys who
treated me badly.  Obvious answer, but I just realized it for myself.
I was settling for the best I thought I could get.  I had no confidence
in myself as worthy of love and affection and attention and adoration
from a nice, stable, giving man.  After all, just as I've been
conditioned to think of myself as fat and ugly, so have they, right?
WRONG!  I'll never "settle" again.  With each relationship, I have
learned what I *don't* want, and conversely, what I *do* deserve in
a relationship.  And that is, simply put, the very best.  I'm willing
to wait, because I know I'm worth it, and since I've discovered this
about myself, I've had some great offers and wonderful times with 
nice, nice guys.  

BTW, I've only recently "come out of the closet" with my real weight.
Its still a little bit hard for me to choke out the actual number, 
but I persevere!  This group has been a great support, and even though
I have rarely posted, I have read it avidly.  Thanks for the 
catalogue info, the shared experiences, and the general wit and
comraderie (sp).

Jill