From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  5/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:13 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...

BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

HANS: But we are not at home, you know

FRANZ: Ya, we are gone

HANS: If you want us to...

BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

HANS: You will leave a message after the beep

FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girly man.

HANS: Ya, Girly man.  And we don't talk to Girly man, you know

FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..

BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

92
"Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!

They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere.  So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"

93
       "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
        you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
        in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a
        power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll tell my deepest
        secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
        girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
        I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
        Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
        beep. "

94
 In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."

   A few people even got the joke...

95
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."

96
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"

"Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?"

"Heaven, God speaking."

"Bridge, Kirk here."

 "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

97
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."

98
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
   here a busy signal."

99
If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come
        to the phone right now
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.

100
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!

101
     This is you-know who.
     We are you-know-where.
     Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

102
    " I'm Morley Safer."
    "I'm Harry Reasoner."
    "I'm ........
    "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
    " We're not home; leave a message."

      He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
    very funny.

103
"Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen
tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John
Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip.  Thank you for calling."

104
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken:

(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....

(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...

(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessagea...

(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfd!"

105
        This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
        thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
        name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
        you, and I'll think about returning your call.

106
    "E'llo."
    "My name is Inigo Montonya."
    "You killed my father."
    "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
    <beep>

107
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie.  My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:
>>> Continued to next message
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