From: ltucker@next.com (Lee Tucker)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Fresh from the oven
Date: 12 Oct 92 15:19:47 GMT
Reply-To: ltucker@next.com

(Note: the following is an official demuffinizing post.   It contains  
scary words like closet, self hatred, fundamentalist, and Iowa.   Those  
faint of heart are hereby warned that continuing to read this article  
may, in fact raise ire, or heart rate.)

Well friends, (foes can stop reading now), just a short year ago, I  
would never have considered doing this.  I've been reading this news  
group for over two years now. Until now, I have never had the courage  
to post a word.  Partly, I haven't for fear of flaming death by speleng  
kween (sp?) or grammar queen.   Mostly, however, I couldn't from fear  
of who I was and the things that I felt.

I was raised in a conservative Christian (read near-fundamentalist)  
home in rural Iowa.   It taught me to hate myself for the fact that I  
had sexual feelings toward other men.   It was one of the few "sins"  
that I couldn't admit to anyone.   I could talk about lying, stealing,  
or lack of charity with my parents, but to mention my sexuality was  
beyond consideration.

I have known that I was gay since I was 14, but I didn't accept that  
fact until September of last year when I turned 29.   My closet was  
very deep.  I was so frightened of my own homosexuality, that I  
wouldn't even tell my closest friend.   My self hatred for what I was  
led me to beat myself up mentally on a nearly continuous basis.  My  
self esteem was near zero.

I remember the first time that I told anyone that I was gay.  I cried  
for hours when I confessed to the leader of my bible study, that I was.    
At the time I told him about my desires, and that I thought that they  
were wrong and that I needed help to change.

Needless to say, as many of you will testify,  nothing changed.   My  
openness with my friend, and, eventually, with the rest of the bible  
study was not as bad a thing as you might think.   It at least allowed  
me to consider my feelings and because they still accepted me as a  
person, it allowed me to accept myself a little better.   Not that it  
was a healthy acceptance, but I realize now that it was a very  
important step.

Prior to this initial outing,  I had been reading soc.motss and  
ba.motss.  I had noticed a posting from someone at my site, and I  
attempted to befriend that person.  Being out to my bible study gave me  
the courage to ask him if he was gay.  He was, and I outed myself to  
him.  I was still in denial about accepting my gayness, but it helped  
to actually know someone else who was gay.

Within several months of that event, I had reached a point where the  
conflict between my desires and my beliefs couldn't be sustained.    
After a tearful confessions to my Bible study, and then to my coworker,   
I gave up trying to live by what I had been taught was right and  
decided to allow myself to experience what my heart and mind had been  
telling me I wanted all along.

It's been an educational year.   I've had boyfriends.  I've learned to  
two-step.  I've had one night stands, and a six month relationship.   
I've outed myself to selected co-workers.  In short, I've learned a lot  
about myself.

My self image is now much better.   I don't feel like the ugly, awkward  
man that I used to.  I know what I love about men.  I know that I am  
capable of giving and receiving love.   

Why am I posting all of this?   Why does the net need yet another  
coming out story?   It doesn't necessarily.  However, thanks to the  
ability to meet one person at work who was identifiably gay, I am now a  
much healthier person.  

As of NCOD, I now have identifiable "artifacts" in my office that can  
open the door for others to ask about my sexuality if they desire.  I'm  
not wearing an "I ****ed the boy next door" t-shirt, but I will be  
wearing a pink triangle from time to time.  I've changed the NeXT icon  
in my dock to a pink triangle, and I've put one on my car.  When I get  
a boyfriend again, I'll probably bring in his picture.

Why out myself?   If I can do for one other person what was done for  
me, then it will be worth it.   This isn't about confrontation, its  
about caring.  It is about showing others that their stereotypes don't  
hold up.   It's about allowing other people to consider things about  
themselves that they believe too terrible to contemplate.

Thanks to all of your for your humor, flames, and gems of advice.  I  
look forward to contributing (in a very small way).

	Lee Tucker
	
e-mail:	Lee_Tucker@NeXT.com

No clever .sig line here, it's hard to have one when you never post.
Newsgroups: soc.motss