HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: marcia@netcom.com (Marcia)
Subject: Re: Any cure for the "Just wanna be friends" Blues?
Organization: The Dolphin Conspiracy, Phase II
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 03:23:20 GMT

In article <20JAN199322124752@pavo.concordia.ca> f_alfan@pavo.concordia.ca (Doom, Herald Of the Apocalypse) writes:
>If a man acts in a friendly, supportive, and "non-threatening" (ie: does not
>come onto you like a horny beast from hell) manner are you prone to ignore them 
>as a potential candidate for romance? Is this a common thing, or is it just me?

Well, yes. They are acting like a friend, so I tend to treat them like a 
friend. That is, after all, what they are telling me they want, yes? No?
Then why are they expecting me to read their minds?

Many people (myself included) have at one time or another mistaken honestly
friendly gestures as indicative that there was something else desired - and
this is a very awkward position to be in. It's much better to take these things
at face value.

Note that one does not have to act like a "horny beast from hell" to get
across the message that you are interested in something deeper than a
friendship. Several other posts have done very fine jobs of describing some
possible behaviors. But note: *you* have to do those things. *You* are the 
one interested so *you* have to make that interest known. If she was 
interested, it would be up to her, but since she's not, it's up to you.
-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcia Bednarcyk                                  ADDRESSES: marcia@netcom.com
"Sweaty Snugglebunnies."                                     mlb@cisco.com
Xref: sparky alt.romance:16437 alt.polyamory:2477
From: peri@cco.caltech.edu (Michal Leah Peri)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: topics to avoid on first date
Date: 24 Jan 1993 21:09:42 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
NNTP-Posting-Host: sandman.caltech.edu
Keywords: dating

>>Please feel free to add onto this list, in which I will only begin to
>>uncover the dos and do nots of beginning a new romance.

>A: TOPICS NEVER TO DISCUSS ON A FIRST DATE
>
>       1. Reoccuring Skin Inflammations
>       2. Ethnic Jokes
>       3. Satanism
>       4. X-Significant Others
>        5. Super bizarre sexual fantasies or problems
	 6. Bad credit

(note:  I apologise to the original authors for the editing, but 
my newsreader is quirky)

-- 

                                                --  Michal
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Impressive amounts of material can be accreted in this manner.
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: mreinker@nyx.cs.du.edu (matthew Reinker)
Subject: Re: I am I cheep or What?
X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a public access Unix system run by the University
	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 22:43:24 GMT

No.


--
My Ideas and opinions are my own. I don't share.
Any errors you find in grammer or spelling are not mistakes, but ART!

"I'm going slightly mad!"      Queen
From: agrawal@lipari.usc.edu (Amitabh Agrawal)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Nice guys... (was Re: Any cure for the "Just wanna be friends" Blues?)
Date: 21 Jan 1993 13:04:45 -0800
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Distribution: alt
NNTP-Posting-Host: lipari.usc.edu


In article <axj3mkb@rpi.edu> petitc@nuge115.its.rpi.edu (Christopher Jon Petit) writes:

     I think this is the second most often had thread on a.r.  Anyone put this
   into a FAQ?  (First is, of course, "Why won't girls date nice Guys?")


This brings to mind the recent "Ford Tauras" commercial where the
woman (damn... I can't rememeber her name right now) says 

"Cars are a lot like men... Some you like to date and some you like to
marry"!!


So, go figure... :-)

Amit
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: marcia@netcom.com (Marcia)
Subject: Re: Polyamory again (was Re: last night...)
Organization: The Dolphin Conspiracy, Phase II
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 21:13:29 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.183931.20896@netcom.com> noring@netcom.com (Jon Noring) writes:
>Wouldn't life be a whole lot easier if polyamory was accepted as a lifestyle
>option in our culture?  

Well, yes and no. Yes, for the polyamorists, but no, because it would be just
one more thing that would have to be negotiated at the beginning of a 
relationship, and it's pretty apparent that we as a society aren't very good
about honestly talking about these types of things.

>I will never
>put the requirement of monogamy on my romantic partners - trying to restrict
>another person on the matters of love is *not true love*.  

I am a monogamist; I will also never put the requirement of monogamy on 
anyone. I believe very deeply in the fundamental right of people to choose 
how they shall love. However, I extend that same right to myself, to choose
monogamy simple because it is right for me. So if someone chooses polyamory,
I will let him go, and choose someone myself who feels the same way I do.

However, I want to know this up front - no lying about being monogamous when
the person has no intention of doing so. And no lying from someone who is
basically monogamous that their partner's being polyamorous is "all right"
when s/he really doesn't feel that way.

>It can never deep
>down lead to any kind of trust - it is an inherently untrustworthy act to
>demand monogamy - do you want to build a close relationship on such a
>foundation?  

I disagree rather strongly. Trust is what you make of it. It is inherently
untrustworthy to lie about your feelings *either way* to make someone stay 
with you. Demanding either polyamory or monogamy is equally wrong.

The question is more: do you want to build a close relationship where the
person is lying about their preferences in order to keep you?

And before I get the usual flames about "you're just a monogamist because
you're programmed to be one", let me say for now that it was a rational,
conscious decision for me. Maybe someday I'll go into it all.
-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcia Bednarcyk                                  ADDRESSES: marcia@netcom.com
"Sweaty Snugglebunnies."                                     mlb@cisco.com
From: v119qkv2@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (POE)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Polyamory again (was Re: last night...)
Date: 26 Jan 93 18:20:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <C1G4Lp.593@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, rlshuck@expert.cc.purdue.edu (Robert L. Shuck) writes...
>I have a real problem.  I get depressed really easily and my girlfriend
>lives in a state 1000 miles away.  She says she is not sure that she
>can be "faithful" to me, and I am worried about her meeting another guy and 
>him treating her badly.  The only way that I know for sure she is respected
>is if I am the only one.  I have been in love (deep!!!) for five years now.
>To lose her now because she doubts my pyschological strength would destroy 
>me emotional, physically, and mentally.  I do not know if I would be able
>to survive without her.  She means everything to me.  I....need advice.
>Thank you.

	If yer so worried about it, and if yer positive that this is "the one",
why not ask her to be your wife?  Get engaged, get married, have kids, spend the
rest of your lives together, the whole shabang.  If marriage ain't your thing,
just tell her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.
Does she know you feel this way?  If she does and if she feels the same, great.
If not and if she has a totally different view of what your relationship is 
about, well, there could be... um... problems.
	And what does she mean by "faithful"?  Is she saying she wants to have 
sexual relaitons with other guys or just wants to go on a date every so often?
Dinner and a movie with another guy now and then is not a big deal.
	I hate to make it sound so simple.  But all you have to do is be honest
to her and be honest to yourself, and let the rest take care of itself.  Don't
panic.  It's not the end of the world.

"I think it's time now
 for you to know
 holding on is easier
 than letting go."

-Mike Poe
From: pa_ross@csd.uwe.ac.uk (Mr Rossy)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Curious?
Date: 26 Jan 93 13:40:36 GMT
Organization: University of the West of England, Bristol

>How many men are intimidated by extremely independent women?
>I am very independent, however maintain my femininity, but
>I keep meeting men with low self-confidence/esteem who have
>a problem with my independence and very direct, open approach
>to everything in life.  When I do have a SO, I give 100% to the
>relationship while maintaining my independence.    

You sound like my kinda lady !!!!!! I hate women that are shy or think of me
as a free meal ticket !!!!! I wanna lady that knows what she is doing and is
switched on enough to do it. Good luck to yah and I hope you find your man
soon.................

					 Paul
					=----=
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Curious?
Date: 22 Jan 1993 13:37:47 GMT
Organization: BNR Europe Ltd, London Road, Harlow, England.
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.199.202.48

In article <1jmt1uINNrhj@srvr1.engin.umich.edu> ap.6575@cupid.sai.com (AJ) writes:
>How many men are intimidated by extremely independent women?
>I am very independent, however maintain my femininity, but
>I keep meeting men with low self-confidence/esteem who have
>a problem with my independence and very direct, open approach
>to everything in life.  When I do have a SO, I give 100% to the
>relationship while maintaining my independence.    

Me me me! I *loathe* those women who are so damned 'sorted out' that they
don't need me or any goddam man in their lives.

Or, what do people *mean* by 'independent'? Can run a country? Can run a 
multi-million dollar company? Can live on their own? Can go shopping on their 
own? Can go to the bathroom on their own? What does it *mean*?

To me, I would call a woman 'independent' if she could take or leave a
relationship with a man. This sort of woman is not for me. I want one who
would love me, want me and *need* me. I would want to reciprocate.

Does 'need me' mean she isn't independent? If I 'need her' too? Does it
mean I have low self-esteem?

Bah! I *loathe* 'independent' women. And I resent the assumption in this
group that you are a wimp if this is the case.

===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley     | BNR Europe Limited              |  'Be cool, or be
                    | London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK |    cast out...'
dswt@bnr.co.uk      | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742)  | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
  'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================
From: sharon@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Sharon Curtis)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: When is it Miss/Mr. Right
Date: 27 Jan 93 15:56:19 GMT
Organization: Oxford University Computing Laboratory, UK
Originator: sharon@client21.comlab


Michael Gordon Weaver writes:
>Since I don't have a preconceived idea about the woman I want, I
>just meet a lot of women, one way and another, and try to get to
>know them. Now and then, I find one that I feel I would like to
>be with, and I try to develop a relationship. 

Christopher Jon Petit writes:
>  Hmmmm.  Isn't it better, though, to at least have a concept of what you
>consider the Ideal Mate (tm)?

I agree with Michael in that I wouldn't like to reject a potential
mate just cos he didn't fit in with some idea or list of qualities
that I had worked out beforehand.
However, from past experience, I know that I find it difficult to
deal in the long term with certain qualities in a mate, and so
it's very helpful if I know what to avoid so that I don't keep making
the same mistakes.

Sharon
From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: last night...
Date: 26 Jan 93 19:07:27 GMT
Organization: BNR Europe Ltd, London Road, Harlow, England.
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.199.202.48

In article <1993Jan25.035529.1849@ncsu.edu> eagle@garfield.catt.ncsu.edu (Daniel L'Hommedieu) writes:
>Last night, my girlfriend went out with another guy.  Well, let me tell
>you a little more: we're separated by 150 miles of interstate highway.
>Fortunately, we have a very honest relationship--she told me of this
>outing on Thursday evening.  Now, of course it bothered me, but what can
>I do?  Tell her to stay home?  I think not.
>
[Stuff deleted]
>
>One last thing: the whole thing kinda bothered her--what with dating me
>serious (thoughts of marriage?) and going out with him last night--it
>didn't sit to well with her, after the fact.

The latter is the crucial bit for me -- *she* was bothered. By guilt, I
take it you mean. This reassures me.

However, take care. Without this, I'd be *seriously* concerned about her
committment to you. Just be aware that the worst can *always* happen --
it's when it appears and completely surprises you that I found was the killer.

===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley     | BNR Europe Limited              |  'Be cool, or be
                    | London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK |    cast out...'
dswt@bnr.co.uk      | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742)  | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
  'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================
From: bhchan@soda.berkeley.edu (Billy H. Chan)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Love Vs. Dependency
Date: 24 Jan 1993 05:31:14 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley, CS Undergraduate Association
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.berkeley.edu

In article <oneil.727766864@cwis> oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil) writes:
[good book description]
>
 >It's called "The Road Less Traveled."  Actually, it's one in the series and
 >this particular book is called "A New Psychology of Love, Traditional
 >Values and Spiritual Growth."  The title makes it sound more religious than
 >it really is.  It does hit upon religion, but it isn't heavy handed and if
 >I, as a spiritual agnostic, can deal with it, it's not too bad.

[more good reviews for the book]
 >Sharon
 >oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu

Err... slight technicality, Sharon...can you give us the author? :)
THanks :)
-Billy
-- 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy H. Chan <bhchan@soda.berkeley.edu> <bhchan@uclink.berkeley.edu>
~{3B:FH;~}    <bhchan@ocf.berkeley.edu>  <c60b-3me@web.berkeley.edu>
"Reality isn't always what you see but what you perceive." ~{?42;<{~}
Xref: sparky alt.romance:16461 soc.men:23349 soc.women:23110 alt.sex:43309 soc.couples:4939 soc.singles:38132
From: llk4k@Virginia.EDU ("Lori Karalow")
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.men,soc.women,alt.sex,soc.couples,soc.singles
Subject: Re: How Strong Should a Man Be?
Date: 27 Jan 93 02:21:37 GMT
Organization: University of Virginia

Qualifications????  You want a list of qualifications??  How
much memory do you have on your computer?  However, the thought
of actually not having to get out of bed in the morning does
sound ideal.  Especially when I have someone else to blame for
it.....  Do you think you're that strong??????
From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: ++ Am I paranoid? ++
Summary: No. Don't even doubt it.
Date: 21 Jan 93 19:16:51 GMT
Organization: BNR Europe Ltd, London Road, Harlow, England.
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.199.202.48

In article <C176LE.B6D@brunel.ac.uk> mr-woried writes:
>
[Lines running for "longest line in the universe bar none" deleted ;-)]
[Oh yeh, they were saying that this guy's in an LDR and his RP keeps
talking about another chap...]

6 years ago this happened to me. I thought, and others around me thought, I
was in the most stable, loving relationship on the planet.

She slept with the guy a few weeks later and then dumped me. She was my
fiance. 

One of these days I'll get less bitter ;-). My only advice to you is: believe
it, it can happen. Prepare yourself for the end. It may not happen, but
*prepare* yourself *now*.

I'll leave the more practical advice to Micahel, Christopher, Sharon and co.
It just sounds like deja vu to me. :-(

===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley     | BNR Europe Limited              |  'Be cool, or be
                    | London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK |    cast out...'
dswt@bnr.co.uk      | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742)  | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
  'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: fsquared@eff.org (Fawn Fitter)
Subject: Re: help? advice?
Originator: fsquared@eff.org
Organization: The Electronic Frontier Foundation
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 13:17:34 GMT

[long story about father of guy in question slamming on SO he's never met
deleted because it's too sad to repeat]

Jason, your father sounds like a pathetically sad man. There's nothing you
can do to cure him of his need to attack you (and, by extension, your SO).
The best you can do is learn to deal with him. By this, I don't mean "ignore
him." I've discovered that ignoring someone only pushes your own hurt farther
down where it can fester and cause further problems in your own life. You
might want to consider seeing a decent counselor who can tell you what might
help. I'm not saying this as some ShinyHappyPeople therapy freak; I've only
done the shrinkage thing for a total of 6 weeks. But those 6 weeks saved 
my life...

You might also want to read "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy,"
both books by a psychologist named Harriet Goldhor Lerner. They were written
for women, but I think they apply equally to men. They're not quick-fix self
help books; they talk about family dynamics and, specifically, the difficult
and excruciatingly slow _but not impossible_ process of changing them. Give
'em a try. At the very worst you will have wasted a day reading two fascinating
books.

Best of luck.
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: eagle@garfield.catt.ncsu.edu (Daniel L'Hommedieu)
Subject: Re: Date of Valentine's Day (was gift suggestions needed!!)
Organization: Computer and Technologies Theme Program, NCSU, Raleigh
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 21:15:53 GMT

hudel@waterloo.hp.com (Chris Hudel) writes:
>Daniel L'Hommedieu (eagle@garfield.catt.ncsu.edu) wrote:
>: For all those in Long-Distance relationships, just remember that
>: Valentine's day this year is on a SATURDAY!  Amtrack, here I come!
>:
>Boy are you ever lucky!  Up here in Canada, Valentine's day is on
>a SUNDAY.  Oh well, Sunday's not too bad. :-)

I must have been looking at 1992.  You're right--it is on Sunday.  But
still, isn't that part of the weekend? :)

Daniel
--
Daniel "eagle" L'Hommedieu / Junior, NCSU CSC Dept / eagle@catt.ncsu.edu
"It will not be easy.  It will require sacrifice."--President Bill
Clinton in his inaugural speech, 20 January 1993.  Translation: "we're
getting ready to tax the hell out of you."
From: pezzillo@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Amy J. Pezzillo)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: ++ Am I paranoid? ++
Date: 22 Jan 93 00:20:00 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

In article <C176LE.B6D@brunel.ac.uk> mr-woried writes:
>
>I am concerned about loosing my SO. We have been seeing eachother for over a year,
>but I am now at University, and she is still at school (300 miles away). I see her
>about once a month (and at Christmas).
>
>The trouble is, when I speak to her on the phone (most evenings), she talks about
>this chap at her school who lost his father in a car accident - and she has been
>helping him out (as she too lost her father when she was a child). She said that
>she is going to the inquest into his father's death with him.
>
>This concerns me a bit considering most of her friends are female - and she hasn't,
>in the past, spent much time with that many other boys at her school.
>
>We have discussed our relationship to great depths, and she says that she could
>never be unfaithful - but I am a natural worrier - and this doesn't totally quell
>my worst fears. She starts University next year, and will be within commuting
>distance, and so I will be able to see her more often hopefully.
>
>Any views would be appreciated. Worried.


The number one thing that you've got to do here is trust her.
Jealously won't help anything.  It might be difficult to do, but
you'll rest easier once you've got trust in her.  You might want to
share your feelings with her -- making *very* sure to explain that you
do trust her.  Ask her to share more about this friend of hers with
you.  You might even feel better if you met him.  

I'm currently in an LDR, and my two closest friends here at college
are men.  I would never consider cheating on my boyfriend, with them
or anyone else, but I get a lot out of having close male friends.  I
would have a much harder time of it if my boyfriend were unjustly
jealous.  It's very important to each of us that we can each have
friends of the opposite sex without the other getting jealous.

I hope you can do the same!

ajp
From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Taking SO's for granted
Date: 22 Jan 93 13:26:01 GMT
Organization: BNR Europe Ltd, London Road, Harlow, England.
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.199.202.48

In article <AfLi0nC00iV043aH9y@andrew.cmu.edu> "Paul S. Hrynko" <ph2a+@andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
>However, recently I've been having a really fun time
>here...and my faithfulness to my SO is starting to approach the grey
>areas

O-oh...

>Sometimes people need to be held......does that make the
>person unfaithful?

There's 'holding' and 'Holding'. Only you know what you mean by 'holding'.
The holder may think something differently to the held, too! Strikes me
that you are in some doubt as to whether it was holding or Holding -- bad
sign; it sounds like you were Holding -- and probably being Held.

(Confused yet folks? ;-))

I really think you are on dodgy ground. It's natural, but it sounds like
you really have to re-consider whether your current RP is gonna accept
you playing around -- if you're lucky, she's into open relationships too
and is having the time of her life as well. :-)

What *would* you think if she was doing the same as you? Could you handle it?

>I've always wondered................what if you develop 2 SO's....do you
>have to choose?  What if the relationships are different?

I couldn't handle it. I can only handle one serious relationship at a
time. Many people might *say* they can handle more (we're excluding family
relationships concurrent with partners here folks), but in Real Life there
are problems -- you are always going to get *conflicts of interest*.

That is the real problem.

>
>If one relationship is meant to be, can another develop?

Of course they *can* develop (unless you're a hopeless romantic), but
*should* they be alowed to? Surely only if they don't jeapordise the
other relationships that are important to you?

As for me, I'll just have one please. Zero has its moments though. :-)

===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley     | BNR Europe Limited              |  'Be cool, or be
                    | London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK |    cast out...'
dswt@bnr.co.uk      | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742)  | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
  'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================