From: thurlow@convex.com (Robert Thurlow)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Exactly what I mean by "unattached"...
Date: 27 Aug 92 15:15:08 GMT
Article-I.D.: convex.thurlow.714928508
Organization: Engineering, CONVEX Computer Corp., Richardson, Tx., USA
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by a user at CONVEX Computer
              Corp. The opinions expressed are those of the user and
              not necessarily those of CONVEX.

In article <kiran.714481102@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu> kiran@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Kiran Wagle) writes:

>I have not claimed that it's impossible to control one's emotions (in
>some sense.)  But in order to do so, one must discover and changfe the
>values that underlie those emotions.

I think I disagree because of my reaction to your terminology, and
that to a degree, you disagree with Trygve because of terminology as
well.  "Control" does imply that you have buttons and dials to fiddle
with, and that's not true, but you certainly do have influence.  And
I don't agree that I have to change values to have that influence,
if I read that strictly.

Let me tell you how it was for me.  Last year about this time, I was
miserable because I didn't see any hope that my dreams might come true,
and I wondered if I had to pitch my dreams and get a new set.  When I
was driving back from visiting a friend on the Gulf Coast, I started
in on a sympathy jag, and the thought came into my mind that nobody
cared about me.  That struck me then as really hurtful, and I forced
myself to list the people who did care, and think about why they cared.
That was a revelation; I had never done that before.  The effect was
pretty dramatic, too; driving up I-45 with tears running down my face
because of the joy was an amazing shift in my frame of mind.  I kept
up that kind of positive reinforcement over the next few weeks, and it
worked really well for me (until my other stuff exploded, of course :-)

Now, my values didn't change, in most senses of that.  The closest I
can come to agreeing with you is that I had made a decision to apply
my basic kindness and optimism to myself more reliably.  I was and am
able to change how I felt about life and how I felt about people by
channelling my emotions, by breaking hurtful patterns and reinforcing
good ones.  It doesn't change the feelings I have minute-by-minute,
but it changes the way those feelings are given their outlet.

>Your statement could be interpreted as if to suggest that if you "just
>realise"--in other words, if you _decide_--that the situation you are
>in is wonderful, you will suddenly become happy.  Doesn't work that way.

Actually, I think a lot of people are in potentially happy circumstances
but have convinced themselves they want to feel miserable because they
lack some part of their dream.  I think I was doing that, and I was
absolutely critical to decide I wasn't going to make myself unhappy
anymore.  Nothing is really going to make you happy until you decide
that happiness is what you want and deserve.

Rob T
--
Rob Thurlow, thurlow@convex.com
The sun is gonna shine again / We're gonna make it 'round that bend
I'll walk another mile with you, 'cause you're my friend
The sun is gonna shine again.			- Graham Parker
Newsgroups: soc.singles