Newsgroups: ba.singles
From: akao@.com (Adam Kao)
Subject: Apology, and Good-Bye
Organization: Oracle Corporation, Redwood Shores, CA
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 06:05:47 GMT
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by an unauthenticated user
              at Oracle Corporation.  The opinions expressed are those
              of the user and not necessarily those of Oracle.



I am not Diane.

I am a very young, very scared, Adam.

I am an arrogant fool who thought he could play God.

I am more than you can fully understand.

I am just another human being.




I wanted to stop the war.

I've seen it so many times.  Everyone angry, no one backs down.
Everyone tired, but too much face at stake for anyone to stop.

I was, and am, an angry young man.  I've been in so many flamewars.
Over the years, I became very good.

I hated the fact that I could never get out of a flamewar, even when I
was tired.  I hated other people's flamewars dragging on and on.
Finally, I hit on a solution.

Annihilation.

I was good at causing pain.  I could read people.  I could see the
rules of the game, and change them.  I found I could use pain and
anger as a tool, to end flamewars.

Justifying the means with the ends.

There is nothing more precious in this world than understanding.  I
can understand someone's world-view, so completely that I can choose
how they see me, so completely that I can find their weakness, the
flaw in the diamond which, with the proper strike, can shatter that
world-view and blow your mind.


I've subscribed to and given up on *.singles dozens of times over the
last seven years.  I grew up reading you guys.  Maybe I learned
something from Diane.

I resubscribed to ba.singles just a few weeks ago.  Faster than you can
say "fuck you" another flamewar was going.  Everyone tried their
standard tactics.  Some people asked you to stop.  You flamed them.
Some people tried to make jokes.  You ignored them.  Most people stayed
silent and hoped it would blow over.  But it dragged on, and on.

I decided it was my turn.

My original post was a two-way test.  In the past, I've been able to
make an antagonist stop and look at themselves from the outside by
posting an honest reaction from a neutral party.  If that post failed,
I would most likely get flamed, which would give me an excuse to wade
in and make me angry enough to want to.

Most flamewars have two primary antagonists, struggling vainly for a
decisive victory to end the war.  Some flamewars have one primary
antagonist, who may enjoy knocking down all comers.

Either way, the hate flying around raises the tension in the group,
irritating lurkers, who then join the fray, perpetuating the cycle.

Once I joined the fray, I needed to attract the primary antagonists,
make _myself_ the primary antagonist, so that when I achieved total
victory all the flaming would stop.

My last post was supposed to be the strike that overturned your
assumptions and caused you to reevaluate yourselves and what's been
happening in this group.  I failed.  Instead, I hit an explosive issue
and totally lost control of the thread.  Now, there is chaos everywhere.
Even as I write, another lurker jumps in.

I failed to take my own advice.  I was too quick to assume you would be
stupid enough for me to manipulate you, instead of realizing that a
complex past underlies this group which I will never fully understand.


I was stupid to try to play God.




Summing up, last time:


Dan Bernstein: you must have thought I lied to you.  I only told you
partial truths.

Bob Becker: again, thank you for trying to defuse the situation.  Your
way was right, mine was wrong.

Bob O'Brien: you were more right than you knew when you said I
*plonk*ed myself.  Thank you also for trying to stop the flood.

Desiree Champagne: you really are very good at what you do.  But you
are fooling yourself if you truly think toying with human beings is a
healthy hobby.

Oleg Kiselev: I set out to discover your weakness, and I found more
pain than any man deserves.  I am a sick monkey.  But I don't think any
therapist could handle me.

Ed Carp: you seem like a nice guy, but I am not your friend.  Learn
when to leave well enough alone.

John Fereira: your anger and frustration with me is entirely justified.
But you won't stop the flames by lashing out.  I already proved that.
If it is any consolation, I am better at punishing myself than any
other human being.

drieux, drieux, you joined us too late.  I wanted them to ask you, I
needed you to tell them the Truth.

Diane Holt: nice to be mistaken for you.  Wherever you are, I hope you
have found peace.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go away.


Adam