From: snodgras@lclark.edu (Bil Snodgrass)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Personal losses in CO 2
Date: 21 Jan 93 11:10:21 GMT
Article-I.D.: lclark.1993Jan21.111021.21793
Organization: Lewis & Clark College, Portland OR


As I have posted in the past not only do I live in a state (Oregon) 
that seems to be waging war against the GBLO community, but my 
parents live in the other state (Colorado) which so far has also
been waging a successful war against GLBO's and equal rights.

I don't know why I assumed any differently.....but my mother, the
person I love the most on this planet, voted Yes on 2.  I didn't ask
her until today.  I called up to talk about my excitment with our
new President.  She voted for Carter in '76 and '80 so I thought
she would be able to relate.....When I asked her who she voted for
she said Bush.  She has made it clear that now that she and Dad
are on the upperside of the middle class ecomonic spectrum, that
she felt the Republicans could protect their interest better.  All
I could say to myself was Carma, what goes around will come around.

Then I asked, really thinking I knew deep in my heart how she really voted,
how she voted on CO 2.  When she said yes on CO 2 my head swirlled in 
disbelief.  Before the election I had several deep deep conversations with
her about what CO 2 was about.  I shared my fears of what this measure
and the others in this country really represented.  She asked me
questions, the typical "I know nothing" questions and I tried to 
give her a well balanced educational spiel.

My mother is now angry at the Gay community and says that we have no
right to boycott Colorado.  She says that the Gays on T.V. are
obnoxious and that we are not a minority. She said that the right
wing fanatic groups are composed of real nice people (she lives in 
Colorado Springs) and that they were only acting out of their hearts.
I said that we have the right to boycott just as much as she
and the majority of voting Coloradians had the right to vote the 
way they felt.  It is a free country.  

She said that we should be educating more and not doing the boycott, that
it is hurting innocent people.  I talked with her in great length 
before the election I educated and she still voted against equal
rights and me.    My mind blew at this point. Why is
she so concerned with innocent people all of a sudden?  She hasn't been
concerned with gay people.  We went on, I have never fought with her
to this extent.  It went so far.  I stopped the conversation almost
in tear and told her I had to get off the phone before I said something
I would regret.  I am in a daze now.  Guess I should have faced this 
long ago.  


I could go on and on.  I couldn't believe my mother.  It really hurts.

When I was getting ready to come out to them I remember people talking
about the chance that they could disown me.  That I could lose them.

Well I am here to say that it is just as possible for me to let go
of them.  That I don't deserve the pain they have caused me.  That I
shouldn't accept their ignorance on my Gayness.  That if they cannot
share in a relationship with me that I cannot as a humanbeing support
the relationship all on my own.

I feel like there is such a huge void in my life now.  I never thought that 
I would have to let go of them even when I thought there might be a chance 
of me losing them I always knew that they would be in my heart...that I 
wouldn't have to let go.

But how can I survive as a healthy person in a relationship with people
who read People magazine and watch Oprah (not a put down unless these
are their sole source of information)?  

I have to let go.  They cannot or shouldn't have this power of pain
inducement.  

As I said I could go on.  I share this mumbling with you (more so than 
my normal) because I do not want to bring them into my life, into my
circle of friends in essance my real family, those I have met over the 
years.....

These relationships are what I created
to survive, what I became part of so that I could have people with
depth and vision in my life.  I don't have the energy any longer to
hold on to something that only existed out of socially induced mythology.

Bil Snodgrass III