From: zen@death.corp.sun.com (d)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: Implied sexual obligations of monogamy
Date: 28 Aug 92 14:41:12
Organization: savage hackers
	<1992Aug18.150437.2667@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>
	<l9l9lmINNl27@exodus.Eng.Sun.COM>
	<MUFFY.92Aug26161045@remarque.berkeley.edu>
	<l9psd6INN7sh@exodus.Eng.Sun.COM> <1
	<1992Aug27.204246.13550@bcrka451.bnr.ca>
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In-reply-to: williamt@athena.Eng.Sun.COM's message of 28 Aug 1992 19:50:12 GMT


In article <l9t0rkINNjpv@exodus.Eng.Sun.COM> williamt@athena.Eng.Sun.COM (Dances with Drums) writes:
> In article <1992Aug27.204246.13550@bcrka451.bnr.ca> bbooth@x400gate.bnr.ca (Brad Booth) writes:
> >To you it may be a fact... but if by chance it's seen by the other person
> >as a threat, then coercion enters the playing field.  I don't disagree that
> >you should state how you feel, but in stating it, you may make the other
> >person feel like they are being coerced.  Whether or not you're trying to
> >coerce that person, if they feel it then it exists.  N'est pas?
>   But -- and here is a semantic point -- does the fact that the
> other person may perceive it as coercion mean that _I_ am being 
> coercive?  Or do _I_ have to have intent to be manipulative.  If
> I am stating my needs and this doesn't work for the other person, then
> I can't see it being the right course of action for me not to 
> relate my needs.

  Well, there are at least three viewpoints to a situation that deals
with two people -- yours, the other person's, and everyone else (this
will probably also vary for each outside individual.)  If you're in a
relationship with someone, to a large degree only the first two matter.
For instance, if I think that sex is great, but my partner thinks that
it sucks (in a negative way :-)), then is the sex good or bad?  It's
both and neither, I suppose.  Similarily, if you don't think you're
coercing someone and they think you are, then it's both true and not.

  I guess I feel that when dealing with perceptions and feelings, if a
consensus isn't reached, the truth might well be both fairly meaningless
and irrelevant to the real issue -- dealing with the consequences of the
actions/feelings.  If you *feel* persecuted or coerced, and your partner
doesn't agree, then there are some serious problems going on there
(aside from the perceived coercion itself), and your relationship, or at
least the communication of the same, is in pretty bad shape.

[...]
>  True -- but finding 1 person that satisfies all my needs may be
> more difficult than if I have more than 1 person around.  I've often
> thought that the best person for myself would be myself -- but I haven't
> found a way to produce a female clone of myself yet...  I'm pretty
> unique.  

  I think having someone exactly like yourself as a partner would get
dull really fast.  The best partners I've ever had are the ones that
complement my strengths and weaknesses, and that bring a new viewpoint
and way of thinking into my life.  If I just had myself, it'd be pretty
hard to improve myself (unless you happen to think you're already
perfect...), not to mention the conversation would be pretty boring...

me: "blah blah blah..."

me': "yeah, I feel exactly the same way..."

  (Although it'd be easy to emphasize with their moods... *grin*)

 -- d
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory