From: khan@ces.cwru.edu (Mansoor Khan)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.pakistan
Subject: Collection of Mr. Khan's Jokes on S.C.P.
Date: 23 Dec 1992 05:50:31 GMT
Organization: Computer Engineering and Science, Case Western Reserve University
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: king.ces.cwru.edu

	Christmas Gift to S.C.P. readers world wide
	===========================================



	How do you teach maths to a blond girl?

Answer: 
	Add the brains.
	Subtract the clothes.
	Divide her legs.
	And Multiply.

source = .unknown

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.

From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun  4 01:08:50 EDT 1992

		Congressman and his staff
		===========================

	What did one congressman say to the other?

	What page are you on?


mansoor 
cleveland



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun  4 01:09:16 EDT 1992


		Chosen People !
		==============

	Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he suddenly becomes very upset.
With his face upturned to the heavens he says in disbelief,

	"Now let me get this straight: We are the chosen people
and You want us to cut off the tips of our whats?"

source = Outrageously Offensive Jokes 1984.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun  4 01:16:54 EDT 1992


		Polish Jesus

If Jesus were polish, what would be his first miracle?

He'd make a blind man deaf.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun  4 01:38:25 EDT 1992



	Urdu: A context sensitive language.

You dont really have to be a Compiler, YACC, or Turing Machine expert
to get this joke. But Knowledge of Zabaan-e-Urdu-e-Mo'aala will help.

A Lucknowitte meets a babe from Lucknow for the first time, and being
very sophisticated with his manner of speech asks...

	Huzoor Kaa Ism-e-sharif (i.e. What is Your good name) ?
	
	She goes : Hazrat Muhammad Salall-laho-alaih-vaselum !
				(i.e. Prophet Muhammad, Peace be upon him !!!)

Mansoor Khan
Clevaland.


		Tarzan, Jane, and Cheetah 
		--------------------------

	Q: If Tarzan and Jane were khan, what would Cheetah be?

	A: The smartest of the three.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.

From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Jun  5 09:55:37 EDT 1992



	Football ......

What do you have when you have a hooker and two nuns on a
football field?

One wide receiver and two tight ends.


mansoor
ohio



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Jun  5 09:56:37 EDT 1992

		Rules of the Game

	Q: What is common in working for mafia and position 69?

	A: A slip of tongue and you are in deep shit!


M.A.K.
Cleveland.

	Getting quite off from decency!


 	Naadaan Maa 
 	===========
 
 	The young girl was sitting on her front porch knitting some 
 tiny garments. And her mother said to a neighbor: "I am glad to see that she
 has  taken an interest in something other than running around with boys." !

 Mansoor Khan
 Cleveland.


		A Purisraar Blond
		=================

A foreign diplomat was sitting next to a very beautifull blonde who 
possessed all the social graces ( aadaab mehfil). During the course of the
dinner, he put his hand under the table and started to feel her ankle.
She gave him a brilliant smile. Encouraged, he went a little further and
reached the calf of her leg with the same results. The lady smiled and he,
becoming  bold with this encouragement, went above the knees.

	But, do-chaar haath jab lab-e-baam reh ga-ae.....

Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile she leaned and whispered in 
his ear: "When you get far enough to discover that I am a man, don't change the expression on your face .... I'm Secret Agent No. 13."


M.A.K.
Cleveland.

From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sun Jun 14 13:30:00 EDT 1992

	Aap kaa mukhlis
	===============

 This was a nudist colony. The boy and the girl were strolling through 
 the woods. Shyly (sharmindagly!) his words reached her 
 blushing (hayaa kee surkhee!)  ears :

 "Don't look now but I think I am falling in love with you."

mansoor khan
cleveland.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sun Jun 14 13:41:54 EDT 1992



		Wedding Night
		=============

	A young bridal couple went to a local hotel on their wedding
night; the next morning the bride's closest girl friend telephoned her,
to ask about few intimate sorts of things....
	"Oh, Margie," she replied. "I am just awfully tired,dead tired.
	All night long it was up and down; in and out; up and down,
	in and out! Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"

Mansoor
Cleveland

From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Mon Jun 15 18:25:33 EDT 1992


	Sad, but true.
	==============

	The young couple came into the dining room on the 
fifth day of their honeymoon. The waiter appoached themfor their order.
"You know what I like honey, don't you?" asked the bride.
"Yes, I know," stammered the husband, "but we have to eat sometime."


M.A.K.
Cleveland.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Mon Jun 15 18:32:01 EDT 1992

		Mazhabee Junoon
		=============== 

	Why Hindus love Queen Elizabeth?

	Because, they worship cows.

mansoor khan
cleveland


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Wed Jun 17 00:18:36 EDT 1992


		A Good Question
		===============

 A little  boy went to school for the first time and the teacher explained
that if he wanted to go to the boys room he should raise two fingers.
The boy, looking puzzled, asked---"How's that going to stop it?"

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun 18 01:20:21 EDT 1992

		Nooskhaa-e-Keemyaa
		==================
	
	One cold Saturday morning, a suburban resident noticed his neighbor
walking in his backyard and wearing only a pajama top, and nothing more.
"What's the idea?" asked the onlooker.
"I don't know," said the neighbor, "the other day I walked over to the 
drug store without a scarf and got a stiff neck. It is my wife's idea."

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Jun 18 01:20:37 EDT 1992




		Watergate Special
		-----------------

Why did Richard Nixon go to see the movie Deep Throat three times?

Because he wanted to get it down pat.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sat Jun 20 14:24:48 EDT 1992

		Ishq-e-Laafaanee
		(Or is it?)

	One day a man goes to his JAP( Jewish American Princess) wife and
wants to know how much she loves him.
	"Darling," he asks, "would you still love me if I became disfigured?"
	"I 'll always love you," she says as she files her nails.
	"How about if I couldn't make love to you anymore?"
	"I will always love you dear", she replies, still concentrating
on her nails.
	"well, how about if I lost my hundered thousand dollars a year job?
Would you still love me then?"
	The JAP puts down her nail file, looks at her husbands anxious face,
and says, "Darling, I'll always love you, but most of all, 
I'll really miss you" !!??!??!!!

Mansoor 
Cleveland



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sat Jun 20 14:49:38 EDT 1992

	
	Baysabree
	=========

Ginny and Joe are having a drink in Joe's apartment, their second date,
and Joe is pouring Ginny a glass of wine.
"Tell me when," he says.
"after dinner" she replies.


M.A.K.
Cleveland




	Well, here is an old one......

Q: What is transparent and lies in the gutter?

A: A Pakistani having shit beaten out of him [or her] !

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Wed Oct  7 00:41:51 EDT 1992

		Mix Up
		======

	A Polish girl goes to the gynecologist. She gets up on the 
table and spreads her legs. The doctor looks her over and can't believe
how badly she has taken care of herself.
	"When was the last time you had a checkup ?" the doctor asks.
	Embarrased, the Polish girl replies, "I haven't had any Czechs,
but I've had a few Hungarians."


Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.
 P.S. from Outrageously Offensive Jokes II 1984.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Wed Oct  7 18:27:13 EDT 1992

            		Zehen kee pukhtagee
			====================

		Z
for  her first haircut. She was so frightened that she started  to 
cry. The barber, experienced with children, gave the  child a cookie.
Her sobbing stopped, and so the  barber began to cut her locks.
But suddenly she started to cry again.
	"What's the matter, little girl?" asked the barbar. "Have you got 
hair on your cookie?"
	"What are you -- a jerk?" cried the little girl.
	"I'm only six years old!"


Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Oh
 
P.S. I hope most people will get the joke. Those who cannot, should ask
     those who got it!  This reminds me of Mullah Nasruddin's famous speech!
     Any Nasruddin jokes, Shaikh Chilli, Beerbul, Mulla Doe-Piaazaa jokes.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Oct  9 10:50:03 EDT 1992

		Night of Nights
		===============

	They had been married that afternoon in Minneapolis and journey to the
distant city of St. PAul where they had a room at a downtown hotel.
Night had fallen and the bride had already donned the beautiful silken 
nightie reserved for this occasion and was lounging voluptuously upon the bed.
For over an hour now, the groom, still fully dressed, had been gazing out
the open window into the darkness. Impatiently Gladys addressed him. "Why
don't you undress, dear, and come to bed?"
"Never mind me," he replied. "Go ahead and go to sleep. My mother told me
this would be the most wonderful night I'd ever see and I dont want
to miss a single minute of it!"

P.S. From Over Sexteen , published 1951

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Ohio



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Oct 29 18:49:56 EST 1992

			Qadr-e-Mushtarik
			================

	While on vacation, President Bush  wants a girl for the
night. HE has three beautiful girls sent up to his room: a blonde,
a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he says, "I am the president
of the United States. How much to spend the night with you?" She replies,
"Four hundred dollars." "Too much," he says. Then he says to the brunette,
"I am the president of the United States. How much to spend the
night with you?" "Two hundred dollars," she says.
Just then the redhead comes in and says, "Mr. President, if you can raise
my skirt as high as taxes, get your [you-know-what] as hard as times are
now, and screw me the way you are screwing the people of America, it
won't cost you a damn thing."

P.S. From Outrageously offensive jokes, with  minor modifications.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Oct 29 18:59:11 EST 1992

	What did the Republican and Democratic tickets have in common
	in 1984 presidential elections.

	Each had a bush on the ticket.

Hint: Find out who was running for VP from Democratic side( along with Mondale)

Mansoor Khan



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sat Oct 31 02:41:51 EST 1992

		Bholaa-Bhaalaa Bachaa
		---------------------

	A precocious nine-year-old walked into a bar and yelled to the
waitress to bring him a scotch on the rocks.
"What do you want to do?" asked the waitress. "Get me in trouble?"
	"May be later." replied the nine-year-old, 
"but right now I'd like that drink."

M.A.K.
Clevabad 



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Sat Oct 31 19:23:40 EST 1992
		
            Khareed-o-Faroekht
        ------------------

	We may be oceans away,
	you will feel my love, I'll hear what you say......NOT!

	Here is why,

	A traveling buyer had been on a trip for three
	months. Every few weeks he'd call  his wife 
	saying : "Can't come home. Still buying."
	The wife tolerated it for a while, but when the  fourth month 
	started and her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided
	to do something. She left him a message. "Better come home.
	I am selling what you are buying."

Mansoor Khan
Clevabad

	


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Nov  6 17:17:59 EST 1992


	Obedient Wife 
	-------------

	It is a couple of days before Christmas.  This mailman is 
	delivering mail as usual and collecting his eidee. And then he
	gets to this house  where the house wife invites him inside.
	First she gets him a cup of coffee, and then she makes a pass
	on him. Qisaa Mukhtasir, they make love.
	The mailman is  amazed. He asks the woman.
	Well,  a cup of coffee was nice enough of you. On top of
	it, we made love... Why?

	She says, " Well, last night my husband and I were talking
	about the Christmas gifts we are getting for different people.
	He told me to give some money to the maalee, naukaraani,
	and dhobee".  she further continued, "When I asked
	him about you"  , "he said     Fuc* the mailman " !!!

Mansoor Khan
Clevistan


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Nov  6 17:18:25 EST 1992


		Voh Kaun Thaa ?

	A newly wed couple was riding a train from Karachi to Quetta.
	After the train left Vaade-e-Mehran and entered Vaade-e-Bolan,
	it passed   one of those tunnels.  Those tunnels, long and dark.
	After the tunnel was over,  Husband tells his wife:

	Jan-e-mon; Kaash hum loge is andhairay kaa faa'edah oothaatay ?!?!

	and the wife shockingly says:

	oof alaah-jee, toe p'hir voh kaun thaa?


Mansoor Khan
Cleveland.



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Mon Nov  9 22:07:59 EST 1992

		Head and Shoulder
		-----------------

	Well, there was this girl from New Jersey. On top of that
	may be she was Polish. So one day she went to the corner
	drug store looking for a cure for her boy friend's dandruff.
	The guy at the pharmacy suggested that she try Head and Shoulder.
	She was grateful for the advice.
	Few days later she got to the store and when the guy at the pharmacy 
	saw her, he inquired about her boy friend's dandruff problem.
	At this she said "So far it is ok, but I had a question.
			  How do I give shoulder?".

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Ohio


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Mon Nov 16 01:14:57 EST 1992
	
          Human Behavior
	--------------

	Why do women rub their eyes when they get
        out of bed in the morning?

	Because they do not have balls to scratch.

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland Heights, Ohio



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Mon Nov 23 12:49:53 EST 1992

		Smarter by the minute
		----------------------


	A little boy accompanied his parents to a nudist colony
	for the first time. After looking around for a few minutes, the
	boy asked his father why some men had big ones and some men had
	small ones.
	Rather than go into a long explanation, the father replied,
	"The men that have big ones are smart, and the men that have
	small ones are stupid."
	Buying his father's explanation, the boy went off to explore his
	new surroundings.
        Time passes and he finally came across his father again.
	"Where's your mom, son?"
	"Oh," the boy answered, "she's behind the bushes talking to some
	stupid guy who's getting smarter by the minute."

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Ohio
[
From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Wed Dec  2 01:30:04 EST 1992


	We have only just begun
        aagay aagay daikhyae hotaa hae kyaa

It was the morning after their wedding night before. The groom arose,
walked  over to the window and raised the shade. The day was dark and gloomy
and rainy. Disgusted, he lowered the shade and climbed back into bed.
The next morning the young groom rose again and lifted the shade. It was still
raining. He once more lowered the shade and crawled back in bed. The third
morning he got out of bed, went over to raise the shade-- and went up with it.

Mansoor Ahmed Khan
Cleveland.

From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Thu Dec  3 20:02:52 EST 1992


	Future of Pakistan

This is when Zia-ul-Haq was alive and kicking. One day he decided to visit 
God and found Khomeini discussing Haalaat-e-Haazraa with Him. At some point,
Khomeini told God that he was really worried about Iran. He said that he 
had introduced Islamic punishments in Iran, had cleaned up all the Shah's men,
reformed the media, and covered all the babes. He wondered when will
Islamee-Nizaam be established in Iran. After thinking for a while, God told
him that Khomeini need not worry because things will take their time. Before
letting Khomeini leave He told him "Khomeini, it will,  but not in your
life time". Khomeini had mixed feelings about God's remarks. He   thought
that it was fine that his efforts will be fruitful some day.
At this point our soldier got the  Sharf-e-Baaryaabi and started having 
conversation with God. He finally asked Him that he had worked hard too for
Pakistan. He had introduced interest-free banking, promoted the safety
of Chaador and Chaar-devaari, made a babe leave TV for not wearing dupatta
and what not. He wanted to know from God that when will Islaami Nizaam rule 
in Pakistan. At this point, God had a sad look and told him.....
	"Zia, not in my life time!"

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland


	A Lakhnavi goes to Qisa Khuwaani
	--------------------------------

This joke is dedicated to the Pakistani I met in Greensboro, N.C. in
1986. Hey Amjad, remember that terrible car accident we got into and
survived hair-hair. Well, any way I met this guy who was a Pakistani
of Lakhnavi background whose grandfather was from Peshavar. People
like Nadeem Jamali and Mirza Ilyas must be really confuse now :-)
He told me the following joke........

This guy from Lucknow is visiting  Peshavar's Qisaa-Khuwaani Bazar
and drops a rupee bill on the ground, accidently. I suppose :-)
He bends over to pick it up, but while he is doing this a person walking
behind him takes advantage of this. bingo!
The shopkeepers then noticed that the Lakhnavi guy drops the same bill
again, and here we go bingo. Few steps ahead, he does it again.  bingo again.
It happened several times. He drops the bill and bingo! Over and over.
People watching this could not control any more, and one shopkeeper
comes to this lakhnavi and says....
"Oh You, Zaalim kee aulaad, why do you keep dropping your rupee bill?"
the lakhnavi goes...."Kyaa arz keroo'n qiblaa, lootf buhut aataa hae..." :-)

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Ohio.
Dec 1992



From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Dec 18 16:10:51 EST 1992


		Lakhnavi and Panjabi become buddies
		-----------------------------------

	These two guys, a lakhnavi and a panjabi  were  travelling in a
	train.  After a while, the panjabi guy asks this lakhnavi dude
	that what his name was. the lakhnavi guy says 

	"Iss naacheez, zaat-e-haqheer, khaaksaar ko Navab Muhammad Ahmed Khan
         kehtay hai'n." He futher asked "Aur aap kaa ism-e-shareef?"

	The panjabi dude was confused. He thought that when this big shot
	navab is being so humble, he has to be even more humble...
	So he replied,
	"Moojh kameenay, naalaa-iq, kuttay kee aulaad ko XYZ kehtay hai'n." :-)

P.S. Ism-e-Shareef == Good Name

Mansoor Khan
Cleveland


From usenet.ins.cwru.edu!alpha.ces.cwru.edu!khan Fri Dec 18 16:26:22 EST 1992


	Lakhnavi and Panjabi get into too-too-mae-mae
	--------------------------------------------

	This time  a Lakhnavi dude and a Panjabi dude were  travelling
	from Karachi to Lahore  in a train. At the lunch time,
 	both got their  food out,  and began to enjoy it. But the lakhnavi
	guy  saw that the panjabi guy was  enjoying his food bit too much.
	While the lakhnavi guy was  careful not to   get his hands messy,
	make the least noise possible while eating, the panjabi dude
	had no such problems. He was using both hands  doing  justice to
	this chicken leg, while the curry was  dripping from his fingers.
	The lakhnavi baankaa just could not control any more and asked
	the panjabi guy "Jenaab! App kay yehaan Kuttay kyaa khaatey hai'n?"
	Panjabi guy was too busy eating but  replied  
	"Oay, Hemaarey kuttay kuch'h bhee khaa'en,  jaisay bhee khaa'en
	 lekin  paan nahi'n khaatey" :-)

Mansoor
Cleveland


		Labor Days in Lucknow
		---------------------

	Ek daffaa kaa zikar hae keh, a woman got pregnant in our
	good ole Lucknow. When the labor day came, she was admitted to
	the teaching  hospital of King George Medical College, Lucknow.
	King Geroge Medical College is probably the second oldest
	medical college in the Sub-continent. First one was in Agra, UP.
	I guess.
	Well, well, getting back to the nuqtaa, the lakhnavi begum was
	admitted to the hospital. Nothing happened  that day.
	Nothing happened next day. A week, no luck.
	A month went by, still nothing. Months and years went by. No luck.
	Finally after seventy years, doctors decided to operate.
	What they found were two old dervesh like guys telling each other...
	Qiblaa pehlay aap, Nahi'n huzoor pehlay aap.......

P.S. A friend of mine told that she has heard the same joke with Lucknow
     replaced by Hungary. Aur "Hum" sumajhtay thay kay ikhlaaq aur aadaab
     lucknow per khatam hai'n.
     Well, atleast some people will understand the use of word "khatam"
     as suggested by our Ahmadi dudes.


Mansoor Khan
Cleveland, Ohio.