From: dks@MIT.EDU (dks)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle,alt.politics.clinton,alt.politics.bush
Subject: Call 1-900-IDIOT-VEEP: I'm Channelling Dannikins
Date: 14 Aug 92 08:05:20 GMT
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A certain Cameron K. writes generously:
  >
  > You have to admit that with all the negative press he gets, Dan
  > Quayle hasn't become negative himself....

Yes, Cameron.  Zero -- signed or unsigned -- is still pretty close to zero.


Michael Glass (GLASS@ADCALC.FNAL.GOV) responds to Cameron:
  >
  > A sad fact about George Bush is that he is unable to speak more than
  > six consecutive sentences on ANY topic before he turns to criticizing
  > liberals, Democrats, or previous Democratic administrations.


Cameron is wisely silent, but Dannikins jumps right in:
  > 
  > Oh, yeah?  Well, Jimmy Carter was unable to speak more than *FIVE*
  > consecutive sentences.  Is that the kind of change the American People
  > want?  Increases?  I don't think so.  Jimmy Carter, Jimmy-Jimmy Carter.
  > Jimmy "October Surprise" Carter.  Jimmy "Debate Briefing Book" Carter.
  > And now they've got Bill Clitor is another failed governor of a small
  > state, that is Camp David, that is right here.  In the Mediterraneane.
  > Why, even George McGovern says Bill Clitor is a tax-and-spend Liberal.
  > And I may not have realized this before, ladies and gentlemen, but 
  > George McGovern is really much smarter than I am.  From the back.


Suppressing a grin, Michael proceeds with his analysis:
  >
  > George Bush's auto-blame mode is a ritual --


Dannikins, seized by a sudden thought, interrupts Michael dramatically:
  >
  > *YES*, it is a Ritual.  The American People believe in Ritual.
  > Rituals are in the Judeaeoe-Christian tradition.  In this century.
  > And Family Values are Rituals.  The American People want families.
  > Ritual families who invest in America.  Ladies and gentlemen, let
  > me tell you, yes, we're Putting Ritual People First.  No sound-bites.
  > And President Baker.  Let me tell you: I am *PROUD* to serve under
  > President Baker.  The Baker Administration.  Hillary can't bake.
  > But we have a real economic plan.  It is the tax break on the Ritual.
  > If the Liberal Democratic Homosexual Congress would pass our proposal
  > for the tax breaks on the Ritual, we wouldn't have the recession 
  > we're not in the triple-dip of.  The recession in which of we're not
  > the triple-dip.  The recession of which we're not stuck in the
  > triple-dip.  The recession of which we're not the triple-dip-stick,
  > that is, ladies and gentlemen, the Jimmy-Jimmy Carter Liberal Recession.


Ignoring Dannikins as best he can, Michael resumes his analysis:
  >
  > George Bush's auto-blame mode is a ritual.  It's formula is as fixed
  > as "now I lay me down to sleep."  If Mr. Bush is toasting the consul
  > from, say, Iceland, on the occasion of the signing of a new tele-
  > communications protocol, he will be sure to fault the old treaty
  > signed thirty years ago by one of his Democratic predecessors.  After
  > helicoptering over a volcano which swallowed up a major U.S. city, he
  > will complain that liberal Democrat leaders of Congress have stifled
  > his (heretofore nonexistant) plan to privatize Federal disaster relief.


Feeling that he ought to say *something* to all this, Dannikins bursts out:
  >
  > Well, *I* was in Iceland once.  Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell
  > you, it was a great occasion.  A great funeral for our Marines
  > who died when we restored Democracy in Iceland.  The American people
  > would be proud of their young men and women.  The bravest and the
  > best of the True Middle Class.  They served proudly in Iceland.  They
  > respect Middle Class Family Values.  And, ladies and gentlemen, let
  > me tell you: these great young people didn't wait for the Cultural
  > Elite.  They fought against the Cultural Elite, in the Faculty Lounges
  > and the Libraries and the Bookstores and the Kindergartens.  Let me
  > tell you, Bill Clitor is no mainstream moderate.


Michael, wearying now, concludes his analysis:
  >
  > Dan Quayle is the Spiro Agnew of this administration.  George Bush's
  > attack starts at sentence number seven, Quayle's leads right off with
  > sentence number one.  There is no relevant bit whatsoever.


Undaunted, triumphant, and glowing, Dannikins goes in for the kill:
  >
  > *Ladies* and *gentlemen*,
  > God Bless the American People!
  > and God Bless the United States of America!!
  > and GOD BLESS THE GREATEST NATION ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!


Tumultous applause follows, but Cameron is looking grim, and Michael has
only his ".sig" file for consolation:
                                    >
                                    |  Imagine a "smiley" here.  That makes
                                    |  everything O.K., doesn't it?


To which I can only add:            |  Now imagine an incumbent President
                                    |  in the White House.  That makes
                                    |  things even more O.K., doesn't it?


Dhanesh
dks@mit.edu

"Baker-Bush/Quayle in '92: Gag on the First Two, Get the Third One Free."
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle