From: anonasar@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: memories of the not too distant past
Date: 6 Oct 92 06:37:51 GMT
Organization: Bleeding Edge Technologies

X-ANON-Version: 0.5



ANON-Name: Anika

> 
> **possible spoilers, good description of some bad feelings*****************
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I walk across the campus hearing voices echoing through the still night air.
> I'm breathing slowly, thinking of how good the cool, crisp air feels in my
> lungs and in my throat, yet even as this becomes a conscious thought, the
> enjoyment turns to fear as I feel the air suffocating me. oppressing me.
> "My God," I think, "This is serious. I'm losing my mind." When control

Um, hey Anika, is this kinda like the "catch-22" scenario where if you are 
sane enough to know that you are not doing great then you are O.K. (depressed
maybe, but *NOT* losing the mind)?

> returns, I'm still walking, I'm still alone. I'll always be alone. I can hear
> the laughter of a girl, the yell of a guy, all in wisps of air traversing the
> campus. I feel so apart from them. They have a direction and a goal and it
> never occurs to them to think twice about it. How could they ever understand -
> and why would they want to?

Why?, some of us *DO* care, believe it or not.

>     [ some description deleted for space ]
> I hate it here, but there's no place in the world I'd rather be. I've known

I know this feeling.  In my case it was partially becuase I was not sure what
I wanted to do.  Could your goal perhaps have slipped out of your focus for
the moment? Is it, perhaps, time to consider resetting a goal?

> that for two years now. And I wonder why I think I'm suffocating. I really
> have no place here. I have no place anywhere. I feel like a freak of nature.

Sounds like a lonely place for you now, all I can offer is some friendly 
thoughts and hugs if you want them.

> [ more description deleted for space ]

> "Hey there, Anika. Enjoying the pavement this evening?" I look up, still
> terrifyingly disoriented and see the face of a friend of mine. I permit my
> face to break into a happy grin as I respond. "As a matter of fact, yes I am.
> An interesting view of the campus you get down here. As a matter of fact, I'm
> trying to fulfill phys. ed. requirements by seeing how long my ass will
> tolerate the cold. But don't tell - it's kind of a secret - the University

Gee if I did that my brains would freeze :)

> wouldn't approve." My friend laughs, having expected some odd answer from me.
> Couldn't let down the fans, you know. "See you later!" I call to his receding
> figure.
> Anguish returns. Why didn't he ask? Why couldn't I plead for help? Is it
> normal to find someone sitting alone on the pavement of the campus in the
> middle of the night? Oh, God, HELP ME SOMEONE!

I'm here if you want to "talk" (email).

> "Jesus get a hold of yourself. This is really out of character." My conscience
> is hissing at me. This *is* insane.
> I get up off the frozen ground and start to walk again. Looking around I
> realize that my eyes are being fucked up again. Haloes around lights in every

While I am not sure why this happened for you, the problem you describe with
your eyes can be caused by excess moisture released in response to cold
temperatures, excessive dust or pollen in the air, etc.  It could be
normal for you environment at the time (especially  if you are tired)

> color of the rainbow coming at me like a 3-D movie. It really screws up my
> depth perception. Makes it feel like I'm walking in a surreal world. Perhpas I
> am. I mean, surreal or not- it's all how you see it, and what one person sees
> may not be what another person sees. Be honest. If everyone were to see the
> world as I do, we'd be peeling people off the pavement underneath bridges
> every day.

True, we can never *EXACTLY* see or understand another, but then again
I have found that a difference in perspective *can* be helpful at times.

> don't have time for this. There's so much I wanted to do. "Yeah, and where is

"A." I hope that you soon get to the point where you will once again see that 
YOU *CAN* do many of the things that you want.  

> and off with life. Yet today never gets me any closer. I'm stuck. I'm at a
> standstill. It's done. This hollow shell I call my life.

things *CAN* change, some of the changes can be GOOD

> I'm still walking. It's colder now. The wind's picked up. I wrap my coat
> around me and head back to where I came from No progression for today. Today
> is over. And tomorrow is another today.

Uh, how about tomorrow is another "day".  It may not be exactly like this one.
I hope things improve

HUGS if you want them!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

- Taylor
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