From: bbooth@x400gate.bnr.ca (Brad Booth)
Subject: Re: Questions...
Originator: bbooth@bcrks6
Reply-To: bbooth@x400gate.bnr.ca (Brad Booth)
Organization: BNR, Ottawa, ON, Canada
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 14:24:02 GMT


an3116@anon.penet.fi (Guile) wrote:
> She's
> worried he'll flip out when he finds out she's poly. 

We've found that most of them are shocked when they first find out,
but then once they realize that everything is okay, they think it's
pretty cool.

> She wants to see
> him alone.  This confuses me a little.

Understandable.  She might feel that she can't flirt or discuss
things quite the same if you're around.  She would probably feel
much more relaxed (and so would he) if you're not there.

> My feelings are different.  I can't imagine meeting anyone that I
> wouldn't want to meet my wife and share time together with all three.

Eventually, the three of you could spend time together.  You may
want that person to "meet my wife," but I'm sure your not going
to walk up to an old college flame and say, "I'm turned on by you
and want to have a relationship with you, but first I'd like you
to meet my wife."  It doesn't help to make your lovers feel
uncomfortable.

> She's also frightened about what it means for her to feel like she's
> falling in love with this guy. 

Is she falling in love or does she just lusting after him?  Big
difference between the two.

> She's worried that it means something
> is lacking in our relationship, though she cannot think of anything
> that is. 

Probably nothing lacking, except for the thrill of the newness 
of the relationship.  That first touch, first kiss from a new
lover can be a big thrill.

> She's been seeing a counselor, trying to resolve some irrational
> fears.  They discussed the situation.  He wondered if this wasn't a
> very dangerous situation for our relationship.  We don't FEEL in
> danger.  I don't FEEL threatened or insecure, though hearing what he'd
> said to her certainly made me reexamine my feelings.

Counsellors are working with a limited knowledge of true poly
relationships.  It is not uncommon that a quick threesomes can
often destroy a relationship.  But if you've thought things 
out, have discussed all your feelings and still wish to pursue
it, then you should; otherwise, you may regret not trying.

> Until our long heart-to-heart last night, she'd been feeling obsessive
> about seeing this guy, though she's really scared that he'll freak out
> and disappear. 

Her feeling "obsessive about seeing this guy" is a good sign to
me.  Others may feel different, but I know that when Diane feels
obsessive about another person that it is just that, an obsession.
Once they've experienced each other, the obsession subsides and
things return to normal.

> He did mention that he thought he was falling in love
> with someone else he'd met.

We have a rule... all parties concerned must know about what is
going on.  It helps to prevent someone from feeling cheated on.

> I trust my wife's judgement. 

This is important... both you and her should remember this always.

> Neither of us can imagine finding anything
> outside our relationship that would cause us to not return. 

Yes, but try imagining if she finds a relationship with someone,
and that relationship is equal to your relationship.  We didn't
think it would happen, but it did.  To the point where if Diane
was forced to make a choice, she probably couldn't.  We were
lucky enough that a choice was not required. :)

> I don't see how anyone can feel
> secure in a relationship that is bound by limiting rules. 

There are always some rules in every relationship... whether they
be written in stone or just a general understanding.  They can be
important to help prevent people from getting hurt or feeling left
out.

Good luck.


Opinions of,

       0  w     | Brad Booth             | "If somebody feels really good
      (_)-|     | Bell-Northern Research |  about who they are, they don't
  ____(_)_|__   | Ottawa, ON, Canada     |  feel threatened by what other
Happy Holidays! | bbooth@x400gate.bnr.ca |  people are." - Dr. M. Rubenstein