From: anon-1564@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: to anon-1317
Date: 13 Jan 93 01:17:44 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Anon-Name: synthesis
Anon-Mail: yes
Anon-Announce: yes

[By the way everybody, especially pathfinder if you're there, i've got
a new anon-id but i'm still me!]



anon-1317@twwells.com writes of unhappiness and adds:

>i can't live by my neighbor anymore-- i just can't
>cope with he has a woman over and i know they are in
>bed together-- we had a brief affair-- and i got involved--
>and told him what i was trying to handle-- then he just
>broke it off-- and i felt like scum-- he said he was
>already dating someone and it wasn't fair to her-- ha
>funny it took him 2 months to decide that-- now it is
>just all i can do to be in my house-- i just don't want
>to be there-- yet it seem that some days i can't even
>get up out of bed-- i am so hurt and so crushed  and so
>ashamed that i can't even think straight-- at the same
>time i am so angry-- at him - at myself-- especially for
>telling him things about myself.

what a selfish, insensitive jerk.  people are just insufferable sometimes.
but please don't be angry at yourself or ashamed.  unfortunately,
selfish insensitive jerks (sij's) can be hard to spot.  i know i've
told things about myself to people who i subsequently determined were in
that category.  and i guess i still feel angry at myself and ashamed so
i guess i'm being kind of hypocritical here.  :)  i'm glad you posted
because when other people tell their stories i get all angry at what they've
been put through and it's clear to me it wasn't their fault, and sometimes
it even gets through to me for a moment that it's the same for me.

i talked to a counsellor only one time, and it wasn't about abuse directly
but about how upset i was when people i trusted and told couldn't deal
with it and started being sij's.  the counsellor told me basically that
i couldn't expect other people to deal with it and i left feeling like
she was something of an sij herself.  over time i've decided that she was
probably right ... that i can't expect people to deal with it but that
some people *can* deal with it and i can choose those people as my friends.
and since there's no way to be sure how people will react until you try,
i try to be forgiving of myself when i trust someone who later turns out
to be untrustworthy.  

if he wasn't strong enough (to give him the benefit of the doubt, which
you don't have to do if you don't want to !) or caring enough or human
enough to hear you tell about yourself, it is his loss to lose someone
strong and brave enough to talk about personal and difficult things.
i'm really sorry you've been hurt, and wish you the very best.  i hope
one day you find someone whose strength and courage match yours.  until
then, i hope your own can guide you through rough times.  be patient
with yourself.  

-synthesis



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