From: afdenis@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Stephen Dennison)
Subject: Re: Hunt them down and kill them (ALSO Advice on Long Distance Romance)
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Ancient Souls Inc.
Date:  2 Oct 1992 12:02 EST  

In article <1992Sep30.161443.18154@newshub.sdsu.edu>, glen@pandora.sdsu.edu (Glen) writes...

Glen.... while others might find your comments caustic, I think you show a 
lot of restraint. 

>I just wanted to throw my voice in with the crowd on this one.  I went,
>after having met someone over THIS VERY NEWSGROUP, all the way across the
>country to live with her on the west coast, changing MY plans to fit HER
>wishes.  After a year of living with her that started out well (of course)
>and went slowly downhill (because of schoolwork, I thought) she told me
>that she wanted me to leave, and had not even been in love with me for the
>last six months of that year!!  I was in so much shock, I didn't know
>what to do.  I had thought (based on her comments throughout those months)
>that we'd end up married, building a house together.  Sound familiar,
>anyone?


To quote an old bud of mine, "Ya can't go with what someone says ... you 
*have* to look at what they do and base your judgements *solely* on that."


>Hunt them down and kill them?  I thought about it.  But I'm really just 
>too tired.  I did the best I could, having been led into the situation by
>promises of open communication, only to find out that the communication
>died without my even realising it.

Very `Zen' of you, Glen. Revenge serves no one. Still, wouldn't it be fun to 
take that piece of raw bleeding tissue that *once* was your heart out and force 
that other person to look at it ... 

to see their own handiwork... 

.. just once ? 

Not revenge, just make them realize what they are doing so they can modify 
their behavior and perhaps stop lying to others (and, no doubt, themselves) 
about their wants and needs and, in that process, manufacture pain for both 
parties. 

> 
>It's taken me a while to come back to the land of the living.  The whole
>incident with this woman caused be to dump on my friends - in some cases
>lose touch with them completely - and basically change my life for nothing
>more than a false promise.  And, I've been watching this group, since it
>was here that I met her, and seeing people asking for advice about LDRs.

Accept your own complicity in the deception, though. You had a hand in 
losing your friends ... you didn't need to ... it wasn't healthy to ...
it *should* have been (and probably *will* be in future relationships) a 
red flag that the relationship was *really* unhealthy. 

You helped to foster the fantasy ... that it didn't come to fruition is sad, 
but the other person is (generically now) not alone in the blame or 
responsibility.


>		And maybe you were thinking
>		  that you thought you knew me well,
>		But no one ever knows the heart
>		  of anyone else...
> 

Amen. Often, though, we *know* another's heart but consciously choose to 
ignore that knowledge as it conflicts with the reality we want to create.

>You shouldn't be worrying about arguments, discussions, things to talk
>about.  You should worry about being mature enough to handle something
>like this.  When you're in an LDR, or ANY relationship, you hold, whether
>you realise it or not, that person's heart - HEART in your hand.  Visualize
>that in front of you.  And any action you take, feelings that you have,
>thoughts on your mind... they ALL will affect YOU... and YOU, in turn,
>affect your Significant Other.

See my new .sig ...

> 
>I know the excitement, the total joy, that comes from meeting someone, 
>either locally or over distance.  Trust me:  It is NOT LOVE UNTIL IT HAS
>HAD TIME TO GROW INTO IT.  I suggest a redefinition of Infatuation to
>"Love which is less that X years old."  The "X" will vary from couple to
>couple, but it can never be measured in hours.

And as X approaches infinity, love approaches reality. They converge into 
the same thing at the end. 

> 
>Bitterness?   Try emptiness.   Try having it inflicted on you.

No thanks, Glen ... I *had* my fun already. :-)

> 
>Try not to inflict it on anyone else.

Isn't that the aim of *every* civilized being ? It *should* be.


-- Stephen

	Though believing in things often wounds the spirit,
	*not* believing in anything will eventually kill it.
	Therefore, *dream* ... and accept the costs as reasonable.
Newsgroups: alt.romance