From: celeste%express@freedom.msfc.nasa.GOV (celeste)
Subject: Male/Female Bitterness
Newsgroups: soc.feminism
Date: 14 Apr 92 20:12:25 GMT

CE>What "man" can know the difficulties in makup or the frustration
CE>of putting on pantyhose unless he has done it? (Putting your hand
CE>throught $4 hose that you just bought!) What "man" can understand
CE>the problems of walking in heels (soft ground, gratings, uneven
CE>footing, pain) unless he has done it. What "man" can understand
CE>the knife of fear when confronted with screaming red necks saying
CE>"We are going to FUCK YOU!"  and know he can't get run away or
CE>fight because because of limitations of heels, hose and dress.
CE>(Remember a rapist has the mental advantage that he KNOWS he can
CE>subdue you! That is major advantage in any battle!)

CE>No wonder women say "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND" when they talk
CE>to men. Unless you look, walk, talk and live like a woman you
CE>just don't understand what a woman has to put up with.

I see a great deal of resentment towards men in these words.  That's
very unfortunate, especially considering that we are currently at a
stage in our history when men and women REALLY need to try to and
understand each other.

I can understand and sympathise with the bitterness you feel towards
the way that some men have treated you (esp. your experience with
the "red necks" in particular), but it must be understood that not
ALL men are like that, and that it IS possible for men to understand
the problems of women if the climate of understanding and education
is present.  Conversely, it is also important for women to try to
understand the problems of men (and be assured that there are many).
To say "you just don't understand, because you're a man/woman" is a
reaction of bitterness, understandably so, but bitterness is one of
the major roadblocks preventing men and women from breaking down the
barriers of misunderstanding and mistrust that are growing higher
and higher with each passing day.

I realise that this is cold comfort to a woman who has experienced
the powerlessness of sexual assault, but I say here and now, that
although I have never been sexually assaulted in a physical sense, I
have been through the emotional "rape" caused by a situation where I
was powerless against the wishes of the woman involved.  (I don't
believe that I need to spell it out, but I will do so if requested.
I consider the issue to be so important that I recently went on
national TV in Canada to discuss it.  And indeed, it shows that
there ARE issues of power where it is not just male power versus
female powerlessness ; it DOES go both ways).  And like you, I
carried a great deal of resentment, but on some fundamental level,
I realised that I needed to heal my anger and to forgive, not
necessarily for what she did, but to drop the resentment towards
women that *I* had been carrying for so long.

I was able to heal my resentment and bitterness, and I feel that I
am able to see the same sort of resentment in you.  I had initially
said "No woman can possibly understand this," but with time, I was
able to find understanding.

I don't necessarily disagree with your pessimism regarding the
chances of understanding between the sexes, but even so, I make the
deliberate choice, though based on my own experience, to try to be
more optimistic, because in the end, with situations like these,
the route to understanding lies in forgiveness and in not blaming
all people of one gender or class for the crimes committed by one.

W.
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