From: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Newsgroups: alt.flame
Subject: alt.flame Follies!
Summary: The Kevin Darcy story condensed
Keywords: Volume, volume, volume!
Date: 17 Aug 92 16:40:00 GMT
Reply-To: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Organization: Just Some Guy
Originator: swb@mickey.cc.utexas.edu


In some article of dubious reference, Kevin Darcy excretes:
>In article <1992Aug10.162419.258471@cs.cmu.edu> jch+@cs.cmu.edu (Jonathan Hardwick) writes:
>>kevin@rotag.mi.org (Kevin Darcy) writes
>>> I have still yet to hear any kind of credible rationale as to how someone can 
>>> get "hurt" by the obviously-mistaken statement of a complete stranger: if 
>>> someone walked up to you in the street and said "Hey! You're Bobby Hatchett
>>> the notorious axe-murderer!", would you be "hurt" by that, assuming no-one
>>> actually believed him, and he admitted his error as soon as it was pointed
>>> out to him? Doesn't sound very "painful" to me... 
>>
>>Act 1, Scene 1: A street in suburban America
>>
>>Darcy: "Hey, you're Bobby Hatchett the notorious axe-murderer!"
>>John Doe: "Huh?"
>
>The actual words were more like "Fuck you! I was raped!". Then I realized I 
>was mistaken, and shortly thereafter admitted error.
>
>> [analogy continued]
>
>The rest of your "analogy" is bullshit since you missed the critical step
>right near the beginning. Let's rerun the analogy FAITHFULLY, shall we?
>
>{Change scene to Wild West}
>
>Darcy: "Hey, you're Bobby Hatchett the notorious axe-murderer!"
>John Doe: "Fuck you, I'm no axe murder."
>Darcy: "Oh, wait, I mistook you for someone else."
>John Doe: "I can't BELIEVE that you could mistake me for an axe murder.
>	   What kind of SICKO are you?"
>Passerby #1: "Did someone say sicko?"
>John Doe: "Yeah, him! He called me an axe murderer to deliberately cause me
>	   mental anguish!"
>Darcy: "Hey, wait a minute, you do share features in common..."
>Passerby #2: "Did someone say Darcy was an axe murderer?"
>John Doe: "He axed my psyche. What a sick, disgusting creature he is!"
>Passerby #1: "There oughta be a law...."
>Darcy: "You want an apology? I'm sorry. I made a mistake."
>Passerby #2: "STRING 'IM UP! STRING 'IM UP!"
>Lots_of_passersby_in_chorus: "LYNCH HIM! LYNCH HIM!"
>
>{tar, feathers, noose around the neck, the whole bit...}
>
>								- Kevin

	Actually, I believe the whole thing looked slightly different to
many other USENET readers, including myself, who, sadly, does not read
talk.abortion (because alt.flame seems to be an alias thereof) and came in
slightly after the exact offending remark:

Change scene to "The People's Court"...

Judge Wapner: Kevin Darcy, you are accused of maliciously running over Susan
	      Garvin's dog with your car.
Kevin: Untrue!  Completely untrue!  Susan THREW her dog in front of my car!
       I was just driving along, as my rights allow, and she PURPOSEFULLY
       tossed her mangy mutt infront of my auto!
Susan: That's ridiculous!  I did no such thing!  You swerved just so you could
       HIT my dog!
Keegan: God, Kevin, what a sick, twisted fuck you are.
Kevin: Lies!  All lies!  She threw it, I tell you!
Lefty: No, Kevin, only a demented jerk like you could twist the event into
       Susan throwing the dog.  You ran it over.  Admit it.
Keegan: Yeah, Kev, just own up, you sick bastard.
Kevin: Never!  It was her fault!  Sure, I hit the dog, but it was thrown.
Keegan: This just shows how much of a bastard you are, Kebbie.  The whole NET
	saw you scream, "Arm photon torpedoes," strap on your Nazi SS hat,
	chuckle maniacally, gun your motor, and swerve 93 miles out of your
	way to hit that poor, defenseless dog who would have won the Nobel
	Prize in Physics any day now.
Lefty: But Jim, what do you expect from such an habitual offender?
Keith: Nothing less, I assure you.
Elvis: Hey wait, guys!  Kevin didn't do anything REALLY wrong.  I mean, it
       wasn't a fetus or anything.  I can see how it might have looked like
       Susan had thrown the dog.  It was an honest mistake.
Keegan: You blathering tofu-head!  Susan was inside the house!  She couldn't
	have THROWN the dog!  Kevin ran it over, and now he won't apologize.
Kevin: Well, I'd apologize if Susan would either admit to throwing the dog
       or pay a fine for disobeying the leash law.
Keegan: THE LEASH LAW?!  You pathetic worm!  That's not apologizing!  That's
	backpeddaling!
Kevin: Is not.
Keegan: Is too!
Kevin: Is not.
Lefty: It most certainly is.
Linda: Bastard!  Bastard!  Asshole!  Sick, sick bastard!  Twisted Fuck!  Smegma!
MAC: Hey!  Hey!  Copyright infringement!
Linda: Sorry.  Bastard!
Elvis: Oh, you're just upset because you aren't getting any.
Linda: What kind of piffle is that?
Elvis: Well, I speak for God, see?  And he said that feminists and homos were
       Big Fat Sinners, so you obviously just need a man to straighten you out.
Keegan: What a maroon!  What a ta-ra-ra-goon-de-ay!
Kevin: Besides, Susan hurt everyone on the NET by misrepresenting her thrown
       dog as an object of sympathy.
Keegan: Oh, now that's rich.  You flatten her dog, and you're saying it's
	Susan's fault because you did it?
Kevin: Sure.  Like I said, I'll apologize if she admits that her dog was
       catapulted out into the path of my vehicle and was responsible for
       the collapse of the Weimar Republic.
Lefty: He's backpeddaling again.
Kevin: Am not.
Lefty: Are too.
Kevin: Tripe!  Piffle!  Stuff and nonsense!
Patrick: Admit it, Kevin, you are totally wrong.  I wish you'd run over my
	 dog, because then I would have attacked you with a garden rake.
Kevin: Come and see the violence inherent in the system!  Help, help, I'm
       bein' repressed! (*)
Patrick: You are once sick fuck, Darcy.  I don't need to punch you in the
	 face to prove what a turkey you are, but I'd sure enjoy it.
Kevin: Funny, since face-punching is proven to be strongly correlated with
       hit-and-run dog slayings.
Patrick: But YOU'RE the one who ran over the dog!  You bloody well admitted
	 that!
Kevin: Well, yes, but it was Susan's fault for throwing the dog in front of
       my car.  What did she expect from drivers?  Sympathy and compassion?
Keegan: A little humanity and safe driving would have been apropos.
Kevin: Since when are drivers on alt.flame Blvd. supposed to obey traffic
       laws?
Keegan: Well, if they don't, they end up making jackasses of themselves.
Kevin: Not me.  I just responded appropriately by running over the dog that
       was thrown in front of my car.  Nothing wrong with that, or are you
       too anal-retentive and self-righteous to see that?
Keegan: God, what a bastard.
Elvis: Devil Bunnies!  I snort the nose, Lucifer! (**)
Keegan: Will someone please shut this moron up?  I can hardly pontificate,
	there's so much noise!
Lefty: Yes, Steve, do keep your hands to yourself, as usual.
Elvis: You're just picking on us because we're pro-life and anti-baby-killing.
Kevin: But that's expected, right, Steve?
Chaney: Ooh!  Good one!
Lefty: Oh, God, not Dennis pretending to be Steve.
Keegan: The facts haven't changed, Kibbles, you still haven't admitted your
	fundamental sliminess.
Kevin: Oh, all right.  Forget the whole thing.  I sure resent Susan for having
       thrown the dog in front of my car, but I'm sorry the dog's dead.
Keegan: That's an apology?
Kevin: If you'd pull your head out of your butt, I think you'll note the word
       "sorry" in there, plain as the nose on your face.
Keegan: But that's hardly a sincere apology.  I mean, you're guilty as hell,
	and your attempts to save what microscopic face you might mistakenly
	believe you have are pathetic and wormish.
Linda: Bastard!  Sick, sick, twisted, asshole bastard!
Elvis: You be quiet, you lesbian, you.
Chaney: I agree, because everything a pro-lifer says is de facto the truth.
Lefty: Elvis is a moron.  Chaney is beneath contempt.  Kevin is historically
       a bastard.
Kevin: Just can't take it when I'm right, huh?
Keegan: Look, Kumquat, the depths to which you can sink impress even me, but
	by golly, I'm going to have to say it again anyway.
Kevin: Why?
Keegan: Because I can!
Elvis: You must live in LeftyLand.
Lefty: Geez, what a drip.
Elvis: Only in your dreams.
Chaney: Oooh!  Devastating!  Ow!  Ow!
Lefty: You are Dennis Hall, admit it.
Kevin: Hey!  Hey!  Over here!  Stop ignoring me!
Keegan: Hey, Kilowatt, grep yourself a clue, all right?  We all hate you!
	You are a total bastard!
Linda: Bastard!  Bastard!  Bastard!
Elvis: Non sequitur!  Non sequitur!  Non sequitur!
Bruce: I am not in this thread, for Bruce is totally irrelevant.

	Next week on "The People's Court:" The Ethics of Cross-posting.

(*) Apologies to Monty Python, from "MP & the Holy Grail"
(**) Apoogies to Berke Breathed and Billy Joel from "Bloom County"
--
Steve Buffum           | "It's hard to be religious when certain people are
swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu |  never incinerated by bolts of lightning." -- Calvin
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