From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: LIFE4
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:05:57 GMT
Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA






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Steven Wright:

On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ...
     why don't they just get taller women?"

"I was staying in an old hotel ...
     ... they sent me a wake-up letter."

Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world."

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My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class
	of women--Woody Allen

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are
	to women?--Virginia Woolf

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the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals.
Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on
treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks.

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The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.

An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!

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The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a 
small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.

As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught
three times in an alleged speed trap.  He sued the city
under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes.
Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit
without reviewing the traffic patterns every  5 years.

A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.

I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress
passed the RICO statutes.

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            THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX
            --------------------------- 

1)  When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
2)  A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going     
    somewhere.
3)  Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
4)  Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor--
    if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
5)  Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that
    the mas who throws the salt has dandruff.
6)  Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your
    hands and knees.
7)  To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had
    too much the night before.
8)  To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a
    gun--or have a friend who is.
9)  When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the
    fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.

----------------------------------------------------

More Groucho Marx:

"Even though I try never to forget a face... I'm willing to make an exception
in your case."

You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
--Groucho Marx' last words

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.

Nurse Donna:
Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho:
Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.

Nurse Donna:
Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:
Only if the computers really love each other.

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

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On CNN:

The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey 
just laid off 3 judges. 

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J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison
for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after
a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was
riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found
Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car.

Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police
confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered
that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned
with a reserve bid of $100,000.
 
----------------------------------------------------

	A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the
	attendants he was robbing them.  When they refused to
	give him anything, he threatened to call the police.
	When they still refused, he called the police.  When
	the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested.

----------------------------------------------------

    As recently reported on CNN:

    Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's
daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited"
(i.e.  expected to attend).  The bride and groom were police, as was the
band, bartender, and about half the guests.  The band playing at the
wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through
the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.  The long-sought
dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break.  The last song
the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the
law won". 

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Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in
a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups:

        "We will not be oversold!

        Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher
        price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully
        bill you for the difference plus 10%"

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It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans.

Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive
in the year 1375 are dead.

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I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was
alleged to have really happened.

Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a
bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand.  This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus.  However instead of introducing 
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town.  Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey.  But he's
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice to him."

After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
acted.

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Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put
people in a position to see that?  (wrote one poster)

- Gunpoint

----------------------------------------------------

Helpful error messages:

Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one
error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program"

-----------------------

Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! ....

Management was not amused when the first customer called in for
support with this message. :-)

-----------------------

If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do,
you get :

   Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned

just before the core dumps.

----------------------------------------------------

 Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.

 In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:

blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)

        Will I dream? [yes]             (she types yes)
        Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.

<system comes down>
backup..
<system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>

        (audit messages about images coming up)

        Press [RETURN]:

        Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
        totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
        left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real    
        bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
         I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!

                        Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.

----------------------------------------------------

Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:

	Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is
another method which you may prefer.  For reasons that will become
apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have
large, easily cleaned cabins.  Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of
instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to
have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it.  No reports
have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
	Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly
will known and are extremely simple.  Here's how it's done:
1.	Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always
remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball.  Merely
watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and
if so, which one.
2.	The duck is used for instrument approach and landing.  Because
of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument
conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane
and follow it to the ground.
	There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by
rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will
be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even
an occasional tower operator.
1.	Get a wide-awake cat.  Most cats do not want to stand up at
all.  It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep
the cat at attention.
2.	Make sure your cat is clean.  Dirty cats will spend all their
time washing.  Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a
tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3.	Use old cats only.  Young cats have nine lives, but old,
used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you
do and will be more dependable.
4.	Beware of cowardly ducks.  If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the
cat.  Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5.	Be sure the duck has good eyesight.  Nearsighted ducks
sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging
off in the nearest hill.  Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that
they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
position.  This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6.	Use land-loving ducks.  It is very discouraging to break out
and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are
duck hunters around.  Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity
while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at
anything that flies.
7.	Choose your duck carefully.  It is easy to confuse ducks with
geese because many water birds look alike.  While they are very
competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same
direction as you.  

----------------------------------------------------

GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990

AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312

Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a
wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons
of concrete to be delivered as a prank.  While they were at it, they called
out for 312 pizzas.  (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay
for the pizzas.)

THE CONTINUING CRISIS

An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis
Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand.  At one
point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by
shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on
your resumes!"

NON-STOP GRIDLOCK

Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory
committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic
problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because
of freeway gridlock.

Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32
phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation.  His mother
had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900
numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills.

Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a
construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield
between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid
wall made of horse manure.

September 23, 1990

Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and
Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not
to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a
surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."

NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the
Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems.  Everything has gone
tickety-boo."

The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia,
where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for
nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried."

Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the
public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail
escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public
or the press in."

----------------------------------------------------

from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard:

                A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes:

"Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school."
                                                Bruce Sprinsteen

"Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth
 a new application."
                                                from The Gettysbug Address

"If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
                                                Lab manager

I think therefore I create bugs."
                                                Descartes

"Debug is human, de-fix divine."

"There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him."
                                                P. T. Bugem

Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug."

"One small bug for man, one great program for mankind."
                                                N. Armstrong

"The bug is mightier than the fix."
                                                Cyrano deBuggerac

"Man does not live by bug fixes alone."
                                                The Super-User

"For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered."

"I have just begun to debug."