From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Subject: Re: sunrise, sunset...sunrise, sunset...
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 02:56:29 GMT

In article <Bttvn9.nB@twwells.com> anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:
>
>Another day.  10:30 Sunday night. 8/30.  I just finally handed in my
>last final paper from last semester on Saturday morning.  Now I get
>a week of summer, and start school again.  If they let me.
>
>Thank you to everybody.  Right now I am here so I want to get this
>out now...I am not sure what will happen in the course of writing
>this, it's hard as everyone knows.  
>

A lot of what you post reminds me of feelings that I've had a lot in shorter
spurts, but what was my usual state of mind through most of junior high
school (the parts I remember at least).  Every day was horrible and there
was always something I was supposed to be doing but I wasn't.  And every
day I would think, "this is it.  There's no way through, this is the day
I'm going to lose my mind and become catatonic for the rest of my life
or else  I'll just fall over and die, but this is it."  Well, I never
did lose my mind.  Somehow time passed because time just always does that,
many of the unbearable events I feared did come to pass but they didn't
kill me.  And eventually, something clicked and I became an active force
in the direction of my life again.  I even began to have some control
over how i felt from time to time.  If there's a secret way to make this
happen, I must have stumbled over it without seeing it.  I wish so much
that I could point you in the direction of your own power so you could
take it back for yourself, but I don't know how.  I can tell you, and
keep telling you, that it is there.  And I do believe that you will find
it.

>To everyone: ***Possible Spoiler***
> (&Robert, Sally, Wildflower)
>
>  I tried ice.  It worked sort of...it postponed the cutting, and I htink
>I didn't do it as deep as I might have.  I also wrote on my arm with red
>marker; not love mmessages but hate and blood but at least I wrote it
>instead of cutting it.  
>
>*** END Spoiler***
>
That you're trying new things is even more important than the postponement.
Please keep it up.  Try just one love note.  Maybe you don't know what to
write?  How about "I never deserved to be hurt, and I don't need to be 
hurt any more" or "I deserve to heal" or "There is beauty in places I
can't see yet"?  I think it might help.  Write something so wonderful that
it will be hard to cut across it.

> (& m&m, Kara, Relkie, Sherri, Nancy, jeff, San, Lavender)
>
> It is so weird that I get so much warmth from a computer screen.  You
>all are being so truly generous.  ASAR is safe, for me anyway, right now.
>I am sometimes amazwd to read what I wrote, and am glad that you are
>not all running for cover.  You are becoming special.  Oh, scary. 
>But there it is: you are.
>

Thanks.  You've become very special to me, too.

>I am in that detached state.  Oh yes, and by the way the secret is out: 
>while my regular therapist was on vacation, the guy I saw in lieu of her
>said, "Are you here with me now?" and when I didn't answer, it clued him
>in.  So we had a big discussion about it and I am supposed to now tell
>my regular therapist.  I told this guy that I was scared to tell her; I
>have been trying oh-so-very hard to not space when I'm with her.  But now
>it is out and he is going to tell her and I am scared.  I see her tomorrow
>am, but that will be over by time this makes it to the net.  
>
>I think I should go I am losing it just also wanted to say please
>don't hate all people, it only gives people more of a reason to
>hurt others and then we are all locked in a catch-22
>
I have a very cool therapist now, and I still space out with her a lot.
Now that we've talked about it though, we're both able to learn a lot from
when I space out.  She's made it clear that she's there for me, so I don't
'owe' her my attention.  Obviously, I don't want every session to be
a blank or anything close (btw, you could make tapes of the sessions for
yourself if you want, my therapist and I have discussed this cause I'm
real hazy on a lot).  People who dissociate a lot usually do even more
of it in therapy.  I often switch personalities 3 or 4 times a session, which
is really pretty intense for me.  I don't black out when I switch, but
combine that with general dissociation and I can get a really hazy idea of
what went on.  The barriers are really strong, there's a resistance
against remembering, against talking, against being seen so intensely
by another person.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's natural
to sort of 'leave' during therapy.  It's how we survived much of our lives
and we don't just instantly start responding to pain differently.  I hope
you don't have to feel guilty or ashamed about it any more.

Take care, you're in my thoughts,

Sherri



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