From: nsn@ee.mu.OZ.AU (Nick Nicholas)
Subject: Re: whatever . . .
Organization: Electronic and Electrical Engineering - University of Melbourne 
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 01:06:10 GMT

muffy@remarque.berkeley.edu (Muffy Barkocy) writes:
>nsn@ee.mu.OZ.AU (Nick Nicholas) writes:
>> My being me takes priority over my being bi. And my being me entails that
>> I will resent rejection. Even if it's not at all rational, I will say that.
>> Whether it win me fans or derision. I could have no respect for myself if
>> all I allowed myself to feel about this thread (which dammit, has kept me
>> up at nights) was "Yes dear, you know best, and men deserve to be ignored,
>> too." Well maybe they do. But I'm not going to be blissful about it.
>Ellen did *NOT* say that the man was intentionally ignored, much less
>"rejected."  Yes, *IF* someone were suggesting that a man in a group
>which was otherwise composed of women *SHOULD* be ignored/rejected, THEN
>you would have cause for anger.  In this case, however, there was a
>friendly, chatty sort of thread going on and Ellen made an observation
>clearly designed to be humorous (note the ";-)").  She did *NOT* say
>that he *should* be ignored or that they would *try* to ignore him.

>So, what exactly are you angry about?

And Mike Lloyd asks pretty much the same.

OK, time for me to explain myself. Fortunately I've had time to cool off,
and a wunnerful 21st birthday party, so I needn't go off the deep end like
I did before.

I didn't notice Ellen's response to Joe; I first saw it, stripped of context,
in Eric's posting. I interpreted Eric's posting as Ciaran did. But I also,
like Moz, was irritated at seeing Ciaran in holier than thou mode. (I'm
not particularly interested in justifying why I did feel so...) And I saw
in Ellen's posting as quoted, rejection. In fact, all my current personality 
defects, from my tendency to act the clown through to my persistent homophobia,
stem from my fear of rejection. Coupled with that, I've spent the past year 
punishing myself for being a man. My different-sex attraction is sleazy; I am 
violent and boorish; lesbians are Uebermenschen, etc etc. 

Well I've had my fill of feeling guilty, and I've had my fill of feeling
rejected. How the fuck am I supposed to be proud to be bi, if I'm cringing
at being male? I'll have no more of that shit. I'll be proud to be bi,
proud to be Greek, proud to be male, and proud to be human. I will be proud,
period.

And to get there, to attain happiness, I've got to reclaim my feelings.
I know there was no rational reason for me to feel despondent at what
Ellen said, and I apologise for taking it personally. But I will no longer
apologise for or suppress my feelings. If I want to feel offended, however
irrationally, I will. I am allowed to feel. And my feelings are as valid
as Ellen's, or Iseult's, or Ciaran's, or Mike's, or anybody's. My feelings
are valid; it's using them to hurt others that is wrong. If I did manage
to hurt anyone out there, I unreservedly apologise.

And something else. For the past... oh, ages, I've been lurking here, 
venerating you lot. Well, I will no longer. It's not fair to you, and it's
not fair to me. You lot aren't horny gods with semiannual epiphanies in
hottubs in Britain. You're human. You are not my betters, you are not
my superiors. In fact, you're as fallible as monosexuals (even if friskier :)
And it's an act of self-definition when I stand apart from you lot, and say: 
"This is *my* pain, and I don't care if telling you about it lowers my image 
in your eyes. I can live without your respect, because my business now is 
to earn *self*-respect."

I apologise to Ellen, and to all participants in this sorry thread, for
being irrational and trigger-happy. I see my response as being only somewhat
more irrational than speaking of "terrible breeds", or preferring horses to
straights. It was, however, dumping my feelings all over the net, without
regard to what anyone else was saying. But I will allow myself to do so
(well, within reason, of course). Because my feelings are nothing to be
ashamed of. Not any more.

And, while I speed to distance myself from what Eric said subsequently,
a lot of what he said in his longer response to Ciaran agreed with me.
The politics of exclusion is wrong - it's wrong for me, anyway. Of course,
what Ellen said originally was little to do with exclusion. But then, I
don't think the thread, as distorted through our respective subtexts
(Eric's, Ciaran's, Mike's, Sara's, mine) was really about hottubs.

We may well have learnt something from this mess, but buggered if I know
what (wishful thinking :) Once more, apologies, and in true soc.bi style,
*licks* all round :) .

Um... I hope we can put this thread to rest, I really do. If anyone would
like to tell me to fuck off or such, please take it to email.

Yours both sheepishly and defiantly,

---				
Nick Nicholas: [s]h[r]ug-osexual.  Greek, short, greasy, romantic, and as
B1 f+ t- w s-? e- r-- dr+(+)	   bi as he wants to be. [ObMauveHeptagon]
nsn@munagin.ee.mu.oz.au (IRC: nicxjo).  Likes Cavafy, Mahler, and cashews.