From: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: sore loser
Date: 8 Nov 92 20:34:57 GMT
Organization: Schlumberger ATE, San Jose

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Divine Source of all Wisdom required of those in Love,
> 
> I have fallen hopelessly in love with a player on a tiny MUD.  Now, in
> Real Life(RL), she's a waitress at a very respectable restaurant, a
> secretary, and a part-time student of art history.  She told me her work
> hours and such so I'd better know when to find her on the MUD so that
> we'd have more time to cuddle and spoon and stuff.  She thinks I'm
> currently doing an archaeological dig back in a secluded area of my home
> country with two-way radio phone being my only contact with the outside
> world.  But in reality, I am an evil high energy physicist residing just a
> few kilometers from her and working at the national laboratory affiliated
> with the university at which she secretaries(for the chair of the English
> Department.)  I could go see her in RL either by going to her office or
> by going to the restaurant where she moonlights, but I've not yet because
> I am afraid it might ruin what we have and am afraid to chance spoiling
> such a beautiful thing.
> 
> Please, should I go see her and if I should, should I introduce myself?
> It's hard to describe how important this relationship is to me.  We both
> type extremely well and so do much quality sharing.  Well ... last night
> it did take a couple hours to convince her that just because she's two
> weeks late with her period that she's probably not pregnant and in any
> case not from me.  But no matter what, I love her so.  Do You think that
> maybe I should make RL contact with her just *because* I couldn't bear
> to be without her?  What if, e.g., one day she's not there any more.  I
> could never live not knowing what happened.
> 
> Lost to Internet,
> 
> Xxxxxxx of XxxXxxMUSH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time now for another episode of "The Bored and The Stupid (C)," the soap
} opera that doesn't even know who Susan Lucci is.  Today's episode is
} brought to you by the Usenet Oracle.
} 
} [TB&TS is copyright 1989-1992 by the Tooth Fairy and the Squeegee.  No
} kidding.]
} 
} 
} <the scene opens in a small, ill-lit office in the Clusterfart College of 
} English at Breckanogger University.  Huxley Cambridge III sits at her PC,
} typing by the green glow of the monitor.  She is "speaking" to her friend
} and fellow gamer Slater Maxwell, whom she believes is an archaeologist.>
} 
} "Only two weeks???  Slater, do you realize how important that period was?
}  It could RUIN me!"
} 
} The cursor glides across the screen as Slater replies.  "Well, I still don't 
} think it's that big a deal, and at any rate, *I* couldn't be the reason."
} 
} Her brows furrowed.  What in the world did he mean?  Of course it wasn't
} his fault, he wasn't even there when she'd mistyped and dropped the crucial 
} punctuation from the memo.  It could mean her job, especially since her boss
} was going to catch so much flak from berating the High Energy Physics
} laboratory in that same memo.
} 
} "So, Slater, come set your head on my lap and tell me what you dug up today."
} 
} <cut to Slater, sitting before a gazillion-inch monitor full of windowed 
} applications.  The one he reads is his connection to Huxley.  His heart
} skips a beat as she asks him to make up yet one more lie.>
} 
} "Huxley, about the dig...there's something I have to tell you."
} 
} "What is it, dear?"
} 
} "I'm not really...hold on a second."  Slater turned to the graduate
} assistant who interrupted.  "What do you want?"
} 
} "This memo came today from the college.  I think you should read it."
} 
} Slater turned a deep shade of red as he read the memo.  He frowned.  He had 
} known it was only a matter of time before someone at the college realized
} what the true purpose of the Labs was, but he hadn't expected it this soon.
} 
} "Send this back to the good Professor in pieces," he said.  "And tell him
} that we expected better than a run-on sentence from an English professor."
} 
} "Yes, sir."  The student nearly ran to the door, so harsh did Slater seem.
} 
} Slater sat and began to type again.  "Where was I?"
} 
} "You were saying `I'm not really...'	"
} 
} Slater gulped.  Perhaps this was not the best time to tell his love that he, 
} Slater Maxwell, was none other that El Guapo, Scourge of Academia and Tiny 
} Little Flowers.
} 
} "I'm not really...sure of this, but I think we may have found a lost 
} civilization today....."
} 
} 
} 
} TUNE IN TOMORROW when you will hear Huxley get chewed out for poor editing.