From: kamal@specialix.co.uk (Kamal Mortoza)
Subject: Re: the "oh" experience
Organization: Specialix International, London
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 92 10:18:42 GMT

elf@halcyon.com (Omaha Sternberg) writes:

>In article <1992Aug19.091952.28939@specialix.co.uk>
>     kamal@specialix.co.uk (Kamal Mortoza) writes:

>>Well - my wife and I are both bi-sexual. But we found that the sharing 
>>experience was more important than plain fooling around seperately - which
>>all too often can cause jealosy, no matter how hard one tries to control it.

>   I have a problem with your believing that "plain fooling around"
>will cause jealousy too often, no matter what. My husband and I have
>been together for seven years now, and I am an expert on jealousy. When
>I first met my husband, I was extremely jealous of everything he did,
>said, and everyone he met and went out with. We had lots of arguments
>over this through the years, before our marriage, and lots of temporary
>breakups. The last time we argued over this, we broke up with me
>feeling like Elf not only didn't want to be my lover, but didn't want
>to be my friend as well. I was crushed. I wandered around town at
>night praying to whatever deity existed that if only Elf would be my
>friend I would never be jealous again. Later on that night I finally

On the on hand you dismiss what I said and then proceeded to confirm it
in the rest of the paragraph. Jealosy is the product of insecurity...
If a relationship has trust - it becomes insignificant. In piglet's case,
where she isn't in a long term stable relationship - it will exist.
>got the courage to talk with Elf again, and he said that he did still
>want to be my friend. I was thrilled! My prayers had been answered.
>Over the course of the next few weeks I slept on the couch bed in the
>living room, looking during the day for a new place to move into(Elf
>and I lived together at that time). I usually slept late, and Elf would
>get home from early morning classes, see me still sleeping on the
>couch, and get into bed and start snuggling with me. This ended up with
>me turning around and reminding him that we were broken up, to which
>Elf always concluded with `Oh, yeah, I forgot.'. Finally Elf came up to
>me and told me that since I was moving out, I might as well sleep with
>him in his bed until I found a place. Then it was `Well, go ahead and
>stay until the lease runs out in three months'. Finally, he just gave
>up and said he loved me and wanted to be my lover again. The important
>thing about all of the above mess was that during the entire time I
>continued to remind Elf we were broken up, and he still came back to
>me. I did no kicking and screaming, no calling in the middle of the
>night to tell him how much I missed him, nothing. I abided by his
>rules, and he still came back. This built a layer of trust that NOTHING
>has broken down, or ever will. I KNOW that my Elf will be back. There
>is nothing to doubt. So when Elf spends time with his lovers, all I
>imagine is the scenes they might be doing. I have never felt jealous
>again, because we trust each other so very much. And THAT is the way to
>beat jealousy.....trust.

As I was saying - YOUR relationship matured and you managed to shed the
feelings that society conditioned you to feel. This - I still maintain -
does not apply to new forming relationships where the trust element has
yet to be proven. I'm happy for you that you eventually sorted out your
emotions - it took us several years of experimentation. You must however
accept that with one as young as piglet sounded, the possibility of a
deep stable trusting relationship - although not impossible - is unlikely
simply because there hasn't been enough time for one to form. What binds
my wife and I together is the many years of growing up together, raising
children together, and sharing our lives through the good times as well as
bad times. At the end of the day - we've always been there for each other
when we needed it. I'm not convinced that extra-maritual "private" lovers
do not raise the danger of one simply abandoning the lover that is down -
for whatever reason, preferring to disappear with the perceived "good time"
lover.

Love
kamal

>>                              If you try to seperate multiple relationships
>>some one will always get hurt because your'e taking the attitude of wanting the
>>cake and eat it.

>   `someone will always get hurt..',huh? Well, I have about six
>relationships right now, and my husband has about three or four. This
>is real life...I don't know how many he has on, say, furrymuck, or
>anything like that. How have they worked out? Well, I have never had
>any problems with his relationships, and he has never had any problems
>with mine. Period. I consider this an important part of PRIVACY. And it
>goes all the way back to trust. I trust that Elf will always come back
>to me, always love me more than he loves his other lovers, so I can
>give him this privacy to enjoy scenes or interests that I don't find
>fun, enjoyable, or interesting. And vice-versus. There are scenes that
>Elf balks at that I love. Elf certainly can't provide them for me...but
>other lovers can. 

>>                                           Going seperate ways will always
>>raise the suspicion of deception - even if there isn't any.

>   It may always raise the suspicion of deception for you, but not me,
>or Elf. Try to keep in mind that this is you we're talking about, not
>the whole world. What works for you will not necessarily work for
>another, and vice-versus. So don't make blanket statements like that.

>                                                             Try to relax a
>>little, try threesomes. It can be just as fulfilling as one on one lovemaking.
>>
>>Kamal

>   Oh, I'll agree, that for ME anyway, threesomes can and are just as
>fulfilling, at times, as one on one lovemaking. But it's not the only
>way to go. There is the possibility that multiple relationships will
>work, because they work for me and my husband. Try them, and if they
>don't work, they don't work for you. Then try something else. Always
>expirement...because after all that is the only way one learns.

>                                 Omaha

>-- 
>Elf Sternberg    __   |     I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss
>elf@halcyon.com  \/   | has looked into me.  Neither liked what we saw.
>elf@polari.online.com |                              - Brother Theodore
-- 


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