From: mmjimm@luna.lerc.nasa.gov (Jimmy Gonzalez)
Subject: REPOST: Answering Machine Messages
Followup-To: rec.humor
Summary: An updated, organized list of messages.
Keywords: fun, weird, cool answering machine messages
Organization: NASA Lewis Research Center [Cleveland, Ohio]
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 18:25:59 GMT


Since I posted the request for a list of answering machine 
messages, I've been receiving a lot of requests to mail it
or post it.

Well, here's my best shot. This list is basically the same one
I received with some new messages and edited in an uniform,
organized format. Enjoy!


....................................................................
 The Complete Guide Of Answering Machine Messages - Version 8/19/92
....................................................................

1

"We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

2

"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right
now.  At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice day."

3

"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."

4

[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*!  He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone!  But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!"  <BEEP>

5

[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello.  I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>

6

Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt:  No, you're incorrect.  It's definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool.  I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
	with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

7

"Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?"

8

"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

9

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

10

A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
     1:  Room 17, the final frontier.
     2:  These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.  Its 2 semester
         mission:  to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
     3:  To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

11

(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim.  Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, 
number, and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.

12

"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.

13

"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away.  Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."

14

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>

15

Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

16

A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message.  In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."

17

I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:
    " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
    " Hartland home for lost whores."  (that was Hartland CG) 
    " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
    " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
      T minus one minute and counting"

And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of 
the local take-out.  With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with 
that phone.

"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  -- Captain, there 
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on 
screen?" (silence...click)

"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you."  British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.


18

This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
<Phone Rings>

Noisy pick-up of phone

Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?

Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it.  Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

19

But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!

20

[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate.  Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile.  Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

21

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.  Today's word
is supercilious                                                 ...}

22

Kemosabe no in tipi now.  You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

23

Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.

24

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century.  Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....

25

Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE!  DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam.  ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA!  HEY!  DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner.  After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>

26

Hello.  Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

27

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

28

Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

29

"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!  
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."

30

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:

Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye  {byes repeating
at all different pitches}

31

Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:

{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }

32

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

[Give it try!  -pZ]

33

<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.

<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll 
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>


34

[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.  we are currently unable to answer
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.  please leave
a message..." etc.

35

[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before 
the beep.)

36

(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine.  You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home.  Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a
lot."

Must be spoken in a drawl.

37

Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...

>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer)  Hello, this is <...> speaking.  I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person)  What?
(you reply)  Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)

Make everyone's day a little more surreal.


38

I had a friend who liked to play with the phones.  He got his girlfriend
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:

"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service.  Will
 you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..."

He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.

39

"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls.  So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone.  Otherwise,
well, what can I say?

40

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, 
it slices, it dices your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

41

"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".

42

However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David.  I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday."  No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.

43

"This is David.  Talk."

44

"Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages.  Please leave one."

45

[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

46

"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss.  If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."

47

"Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

48

(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi.  I'm Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just have to ...

YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)

49

I taped the operator saying "we're sorry.  The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."

50

"Hello, I'm not hear right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
 If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
 Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
 with a vacuum cleaner."

51

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet.  sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.

(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

52

 "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
  because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made 
  up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the 
  resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
  So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
  component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

53

 "Speak, worm!" <beep>
  Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

54

 "You know what to do at the tone." <beep>

55

 "Hello?" <beep>
  This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

56

 "Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
  A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
  "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

57

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>

58

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello.  I can't come to the phone right now.  Me and Guido are trying to
 stuff a body in the trunk.  I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name
and a message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )...  "

59

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>

60

Hello, this is <insert your name here>.  I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.  
BEEEP!

61

[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom.  We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator.  Please leave your name and number, and
we'll get back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]

62

Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.

63

One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.  If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty.  The choice is YOURS....   BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

64

FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.  KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES......         ~~~

65

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  bear
a...  er...  shalt not witness thy...  uh...  neighbor's ass,
oh, I mean, false...  er...  shalt not commit a bear...  dern...

66

How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!!

67

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
confusing.

68

I can't come to the phone now, so...  hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  yes
indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
you...

69

Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
it!...  Don't...!

70

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.

71

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...

72

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  the
telephone is next to an answering machine...  you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  you hear
a beep...

73

You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.

74

No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

75

This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System.  This is only a test.

76

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

77

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...  leave a message...  etc.

78

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.

79

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

80

[VOICE 1]  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2]  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

81

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills.  If
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.

82

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

83

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.

84

C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!

85

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself.  Thanks.

86

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

87

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

88

Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
...Any questions?

89

Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.

90
<beep, beep, beep>
The number you have reached,
Seven.  Six.  Seven.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

91

It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller.
That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this
amazing machine!  But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and
the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a
RETURN CALL!  Good luck, and here's the beep.

92

"Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere.  So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"

93

"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
 you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering 
 in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a 
 power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll tell my deepest 
 secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
 girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
 I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
 Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
 beep. "

94

In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
  
A few people even got the joke...

95

"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."

96

"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

97

"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."

98

"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
 here a busy signal."

99

"If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
 to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home."

100

The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!

101

This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

102

"I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
" We're not home; leave a message."

He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.

103

"Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films 
Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen 
tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John 
Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but 
Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip.  Thank you for calling." 

104

Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken: 

(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....

(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...

(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...

(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"

105

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.

106

"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."  
<beep>

107

My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie.  My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:

"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity."

108

The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer.  It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices.  I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.

1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like, you can leave
   your name and telephone number...
2> ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!

1> Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
   hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
   get back.
2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

109

From Halloween this year:

(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

110

(French monologue in the background)

Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
a first or second language. But with your continued support
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

111

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
leave your credit card number at the tone...

112

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
and thank you for your pledge.

113

(click)
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to
use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."  (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

114

Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone.  Craig's at home now, so you can try
calling him there or leave a message after the beep.

Caller's message:  Hmmm.  Car phone!?!  I'll call back later when your out.
-Koris Goudonov

115

Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
 
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:
 
[PHONE] *RING*
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."
 
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone 
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly.  I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought
 
it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
 
[---------------  BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
 
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." 
 
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP." 
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." 
 
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
 
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." 
 
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
 
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.

116

I once answered the phone as follows.
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click.  About five minutes
later, the phone rang again.  This time my roomate answered.  It was the same
person that had called a few minutes earlier.  It turned out that the long 
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
next call.  He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
call us.  I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...

117

My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. 
Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, 
with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, 
whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy 
living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't 
believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to 
Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.

This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
quick, and went something like this:
     "Hello?"
     "Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
     "No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing 
      the baby."

118

Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general: 
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"

119

My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask:  "Are you a telemarketer?"  The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes.  I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.

120

A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone 
solicitors.  My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave 
permission to post it:
     "My time is billed at $125 per hour.  To continue this 
     conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card 
     type and date of expiration."
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless.  One guy replied, "Hey, 
that's good; I'll have to remember it."  Once a supervisor of 
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of 
high-powered lawyer."

121

Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:

caller w. wrong number: 
"Gee, I'm sorry..."
me:                     
"That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."

122

How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:
<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?

123

Try the following next time the phone rings:
You (when you answer):  Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh.  Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)

124

(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...).  
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of
the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when
the stars align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

125

(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh!  Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes!  Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.


126

"Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just
kidding.  This is an answering machine. (etc.)"

127

"Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil."  (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  "OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"

128

Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice."  (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".)  Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"

129

I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment:
I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris.  I can't come to the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the tone.  -EEEEE-" -- that
last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name,
phone number, and message, and hang up.  I went back to what I'd been
doing.

130

Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.

131

Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
it!...  Don't...!

132

Hello.  This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team.  But hey, call me Mike.

133

The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.

134

We're sorry.  You have reached an imaginary number.  Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

135

Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...

136

Hi!  You have reached 234-1243.  This is an answering machine.
This is the Nineties.  You know what to do.

137

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.  So
please leave a message after the tone.  I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow.  So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.

138

Hi!  I can't answer the phone right now.  Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb.  It wasn't lit, but I've
got to get him to the bathroom.  Uh-oh!  (Sound of a paper bag
exploding.)

139

(After a power outage:)  Hi, this is Ralph.  The good news is
that my power is back on.  The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine.  So, leave a message.

140

Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.

141

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

142

Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done....  (Cachunk!)

143

You've reached the S&M hotline.  All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance.

144

Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love.  All of our
customer service representatives are, er...  busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...

145

You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go
on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."  That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...

146

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back.  But don't say anything yet!  Enemy
agents may be listening.  When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.

147

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

148

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

149

Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number?
Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up. 

Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I
speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John
called?". Hang up. 

Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any
messages?"

150

Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We
are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the
station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone
cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to
burn down your house, hurry up and take your
telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!"

Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is
especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit
later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.

151

"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

152

When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply
is "And who is THERE?"

153

Hello, this is Lee Iacoca.  Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro
College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be
stopped before they hurt somebody.  So please leave your credit card number 
after the beep.  Thank you for your help.

154

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an 
answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't 
really exist.  One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will 
call you back.

155

"Hi! You have reached 579-7599.  This is an answering machine.  This is the
Eighties.  You know what to do."

156

One voice:  I didn't expect an answering machine. 
Another voice: 
Nobody expects an answrering machine.
Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And
message.  (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and
message.   And time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so
just wait for the beep. 
 
157

My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie.  My friend recorded the section that goes something
like: "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity."

158

Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh!  Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes!  Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.

159

<Cackle> That's right!  This is an answering machine!  In a few
seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message!  Then we'll listen
to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...

160

(Background: Something spacy, like "A Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink
Floyd. Try to sound like Carl Sagan.)
"Who are you?  Where do you come from?  Why are you here?"
(Normal voice)
"I don't have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the
answers at the beep."

161

"Hello, this is John's refrigerator, his answering machine's not working
right now, so leave a name and number and we'll get back to you."
(uses a back-woods slow drawl type voice)

162

(uses pompous John Houseman {prof. Kingsfield} type voice)
"It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you'll just
 have to leave a message.  Right now I'm off to find Reynaldo and probably
 fire him."

163

Use a pretty much regular message but end it  with "And, remember, this
machine cannot hurt you--over the phone."

164

"Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so*
 depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
 yet all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
 me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep."

165

"Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine
is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"

166

"Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite 
 color of  underware. we'll get back to you if we like the color."

167

"Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX.  If you wish to speak to Tim push 1 on your
 touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone 
 phone now.  If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
 All of this button pushing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work
 off anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."

168

ordinary message ending with a recorded BEEP and
then silence for a few seconds:
HAHAHA
Fooled you, here comes the real BEEP
<real BEEP>
 
169

Hello, this is <insert your name here>.  I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!

170 

Personalized Messages:
---------------------- 
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
 
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed
me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get
anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and
I'll call you back! BEEP.

 
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
 
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.

 
Elvis Presley, Corpse
 
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
 
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
 
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
 
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
 
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
 
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's
you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
 
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
 
Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a
movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you
next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I
said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.
 
The Pope, Spiritual Leader
 
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle
Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you
if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please
leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to
you, God willing. BEEP.

171

I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have
there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet you have
answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy.  Why
don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old
recordings...I might even play my beep for you...

172

You have reached 123 4567,. Please hold while I process your call.
( Pause ) 
Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a
trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of
important callers/terrorists/etc. None of our staff is authorized or
has the courage to speak with you except for < Your name >,
who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number
and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a
nice day. :::BEEP:::

173

" Hello? Hello? ... Hello? I can't hear you. HELLO???? "

174

I had my friend who does a damn good Walter Cronkite imitation narrate
this message that we wrote:
"This is Walter Cronkite.  Bren's not here right now.  He's out on
a date.  Conceptually, the idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his 
basketball theories and computer geek over dinner at Taco Bell, should
scare the hell out of you.  Realistically, he'll probably be home soon, so 
leave your name and number and he'll call you back.  Deal with it."

175

Another good one to use is simply state a bunch of random facts...
"Random fact No. 10:  The first manned mission to Jupiter will be manned by
                      the O'Jays."
"Random fact No. 64:  Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before
                      the bums in Utah."
"Random fact No. 36:  Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message."
"Random fact No. 22:  Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota"  (is it?)

176

I'll frequently use music when I can, beginning with some
classical song, which leads into me being the DJ to a classical
station talking real monotone, telling the temperature, and then
setting up the next song saying it's one of my favorites, which ends
up being "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zepplin.

177

(To scare off anoying liberals) 
Hello, And thank you for calling the Bush in 50 campaign.
Your five dollar donation to get George Bush reelected in all
50 states will automaticly be charged to your phone bill.
If you would like to leave a message....

178

We have Pink Floyd on ours: ("Nobody Home" on in background)
"You have reached xxx-xxxx.  Please leave a message."
"Ohhhhhhhhh, babe......
When I pick up the phone...
There's still......nobody home."

179

I have Jimmy Buffett singing on mine.  
The line is from 'This Hotel Room' as goes:
"I ain't home, I ain't home
You better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

180

In an oriental voice:	
Hello, you have reached honorable <Last name> residence.
I, Kato, will go and get honorable <First name> ...
(Back ground noise of GODZILLA scream) 
In an oriental PANIC voice:
OH NO! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at 
gong and <First name> will call back if house still here...
(Just the opening of GODZILLA movie to get BEST effect!)

.........................................................................


-- 
            Jimmy Gonzalez  |    WAR IS PEACE.
 mmjimm@luna.lerc.nasa.gov  |    FREEDOM IS SLAVERY.
NASA Lewis Research Center  |    IGNORANCE IS POWER.
           Cleveland, Ohio  |    George Orwell - 1984