From: HF.GTD@forsythe.stanford.edu (Gabrielle Daniels)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.african.american
Subject: Styling, profiling and pretending
Date: 13 Nov 1992 12:03:05 -0800
Organization: Stanford University
NNTP-Posting-Host: morrow.stanford.edu

Regarding this whole free-for-all regarding relationship
responsibilities:

Sorry, but I can't buy the prevalent male point of view that if a
woman decides to stay in a relationship with a guy who is less in
love with her than she is with him; that if she gets hurt, it is
entirely her fault.

I am still of the conviction that it takes two to tango in ANY
relationship, regardless of you so-called blameless dudes washing
your hands across the country.

Tell me something, guys.  Why would a guy continue to go out and be
with a woman that he knows is in love with him, cares about him, and
possibly wants to be more serious with?  And then, the guy is
saying, "Well, I'm not interested in a deeper relationship, but I
want to see you." What's the payoff for you guys in this case?

The women (and even guys) usually and naturally think,"I gotta run
to keep up with this cat in case he changes his mind." She mustn't
show she's disappointed, she's gotta give him the appearance of
being nonchalant about being rejected.  Sort of female machista.
They see the "but" as a possible opening to something bigger or
better later on.  They also wonder if they are being tested.

Better yet, guys (and women)--dont even give them an opening.  Dont
leave anything on the plate for them to chew on.  Thats cutting
clean and being clear.

Goddess knows what guys are thinking...but some are definitely
fronting and some are half-assed fronting and some are trying to be
slick.  Get my drift?

To me, it could only be that somebody's getting off on this kind of
behavior and trying to get something for free.  I don't buy the
"Well, she could have gone if she wanted to" number.  Supposedly,
she "asked for it" and "she should have known." To me, there is
something absolutely, positively unreal about maintaining this kind
of S/M arrangement, the kind of stuff folks sometimes sing about on
the radio.  (Biz Markie comes to mind, laughingly, here.) No woman
or man, even with the situation reversed, could possibly get any fun
out of this kind of relationship.  The person is always, do you hear
me, ALWAYS going to expect that the SO is going to eventually change
by staying in the relationship and feel ripped off when nothing
happens.  Distance should be taken at once at the first fork in the
road.

I reiterate:  the sister who told her brother that hisgirl was not
being honest was correct.  Being a woman, and knowing women's
language and ways, she knew exactly what the girl was up to.  I also
say that the brother, for all his honesty, should not have taken the
girl's expression of detachment and wherewithal to stay in the
relationship as gospel truth and should have broken up with her
after the first discussion.  I only hope he knows now not to repeat
this kind of stuff.

Then, again, who am I trying to reverse centuries of bullshit
between men and women.  The guy who dogs women.  La belle dame sans
merci.  Trillion dollar misunderstandings.  Some folks just love
playing games and inflicting unhappiness on others.

And speaking to the brother who said plain English is acceptable,
sometimes English ain't so plain as people think.