From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Norm one-liners (CHEERS)
Date: 3 Oct 1992 00:32:01 GMT
Organization: Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory
Distribution: rec
Reply-To: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
NNTP-Posting-Host: prem.lbl.gov

In article <1992Oct2.194536.9043@bcrka451.bnr.ca> isupstud@bnr.ca (Wayne Hutton) writes:
>>Hi there all. Does anyone have a copy of Norm's one liners from "Cheers?"
>
>Me too please:	"stud7b43@bnr.ca"

	Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhh!!!! Okay, okay...... But don't ask again.....

	Prem!
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====    See, I post funny stuff too..... Unlike some of the mindless,       ====
====    festering, xenophobic, intolerant, born-again-fanatics who seem to  ====
====    have infested this newsgroup lately........                         ====
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	In chronological order:
	
	The Coach's Daughter:
	    Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
	
	Any Friend of Diane's:
	    Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
	    Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with its wife.
	
	Friends, Romans, and Accountants:
	    Coach: How's life, Norm?
	    Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
	
	Truce or Consequences:
	    Coach: How's it going, Norm?
	    Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
	
	Coach Returns to Action:
	    Sam:   What's up, Norm?
	    Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
	
	Endless Slumper:
	    Coach: What's the story, Norm?
	    Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
	
	The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One:
	    Sam:  What's new, Norm?
	    Norm: Most of my wife.
	
	Now Pitching, Sam Malone:
	    Coach: Beer, Norm?
	    Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
	
	Let Me Count the Ways:
	    Coach: What's doing, Norm?
	    Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  
		   I happen to be the guinea pig.
	
	No Help Wanted:
	    Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
	    Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
	
	    Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
	    Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
	
	Fortune and Men's Weights:
	    Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
	    Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
	
	    Coach: What's up, Norm?
	    Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.
	
	Snow Job:
	    Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
	    Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
	
	    Coach:  Beer, Normie?
	    Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
	            Eh, why not, I'm still young.
	
	Norman's Conquest:
	    [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
	    Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
	    Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
	
	I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2):
	    Coach:  What's up, Normie?
	    Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
	
	Diane Meets Mom:
	    Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
	    Norm:   Going down?
	
	    [Norm returns from the hospital.]
	    Coach:  What's up, Norm?
	    Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.
	
	Peterson Crusoe:
	    [Norm comes in, depressed.  He just 
	     stands by the door with a sullen face.]
	    Norm:   [mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
	    All:    Norm?  (Norman?)
	
	The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:
	    Sam:  What's new, Normie?
	    Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.
	          They're demanding beer.
	
	King of the Hill:
	    Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
	    Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have 
		   a froth of beer and a snorkel.
	
	The Mail Goes to Jail:
	    Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
	    Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
	
	Behind Every Great Man:
	    Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
	    Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
	
	    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
	    All:   Norm!
	    Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
	    All:   [silence]
	
	The Executive's Executioner:
	    Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
	    Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll 
		  take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
	    Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
	    Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
	
	Birth, Death, Love and Rice:
	    Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
	    Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
	
	Woody Goes Belly Up:
	    Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
	    Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
	
	Diane's Nightmare:
	    Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
	    All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
	    Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
	    Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
	
	I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:
	    Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
	    Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
	    Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
	    Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
	    Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
	
	Love Thy Neighbor:
	    Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
	    Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
	
	From Beer to Eternity:
	    [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama]
	    Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
	    Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
	    Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
	
	The Bar Stoolie:
	    Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
	
	Take My Shirt... Please?
	    Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
	
	The Triangle:
	    Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Elope with my wife.
	
	    [Norm is angry.]
	    Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
	
	The Peterson Principle:
	    Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
	    Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
	          and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
	
	Diane Chambers Day:
	    Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
	    Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
	
	Strange Bedfellows, Part 1:
	    Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
	
	Strange Bedfellows, Part 2:
	    Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
	
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
	    Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
	           Eh, make that one-thirty.
	
	Strange Bedfellows, Part 3:
	    Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Poor.
	    Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
	    Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
	
	The Proposal:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
	    Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
	
	Tan 'n Wash:
	    Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
	    Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
	
	    Norm:  Hey, everybody.
	    All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
	    Norm:  [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
	           Norm!   (Norman.)
	           How are you feeling today, Norm?
	           Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
	
	Knights of the Scimitar:
	    Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
	           Film at eleven.
	
	Chambers vs. Malone:
	    Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Never been better, Woody... Just once I'd like to be better.
	
	Norm's Last Hurrah:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
	    Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
	
	    Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that 
		   swallowed the canary.
	    Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
	
	A House is Not a Home:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
	    Norm:  Well, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls 
		   apart at the end.
	
	I Do, Adieu:
	    Elderly Sam:  What's up, Norm?
	    Elderly Norm: Me, about thirty times a night.
	
	Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam went
	                     sailing around the world and sold the bar]
	    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
	    Woody: Norm!  [nobody else in the bar says anything]
	    Norm:  That was it, Woody.  Last chance.  I'm out of here.
	
	    Norm:     [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
	               as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
	              This looks like a nice, friendly tavern.  What the heck,
	              I think I'll give it a chance.
	    Customer: Norm!
	    Norm:     Not now, you idiot!
	
	Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:
	    Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
	
	Paint Your Office:
	    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Let's talk about what's going <in> Mr. Peterson.  
		   A beer, Woody.
	
	A Kiss is Still a Kiss:
	    Sam:  How's life treating you?
	    Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
	
	Christmas Cheers
	    Woody: Santa, what can I get you?
	    Norm:  Finally, someone wants to get <me> something.
	
	Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:
	    Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
	    Woody:  For a beer?
	    Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
	
	Airport V:
	    Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
	            Let's just cut to the happy ending.
	
	One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:
	    Pepe:  [something in Spanish]
	
	Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:
	    Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
	    Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
	
	Don't Paint Your Chickens:
	    Sam:  Beer, Norm?
	    Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
	
	Call Me, Irresponsible:
	    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
	
	The Two Faces of Norm:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, you got room for a beer?
	    Norm:  Nope, but I am willing to add on.
	
	    [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
	    Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
	    All:   Anton!
	
	Two Girls for Every Boyd:
	    Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
	    Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
	          Ah, just kidding.  Gimme a beer; I think I'll just 
		  drown the little suckers.
	
	Feeble Attraction:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
	    Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
	
	Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:
	    Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
	    Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
	
	Loverboyd:
	    Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
	    Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going <down> Mr. Peterson.'
	
	    Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
	    Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
	
	Grease:
	    Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
	    Norm:  Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
	
	    Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
	
	Breaking In Is Hard to Do:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
	    Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
	
	    [Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter]
	    Sam:  What'll you have this time, Norm?
	    Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time.
	
	    [The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say 
	     his first word.]
	    Norm:      Afternoon, everybody.
	    Frederick: Norm!
	    Lilith:    He said Mommy!
	
	Bad Neighbor Sam:
	    [The bar clientele has turned yuppie.]
	    Bradley:  Ciao, gang!
	    All:      Bradley!
	
	Veggie-Boyd:
	    Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
	    Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
	
	It's a Wonderful Wife:
	    Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
	    Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
	
	The Norm Who Came to Dinner:
	    Sam: [answers the phone]  Cheers!...[to gang] Hey guys, it's Norm.
	         [holds up the receiver]
	    All: Norm!
	    Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles]
	         [to gang]  Where does he come up with these things?
	
	Where Have All the Floorboards Gone:
	    Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
	    Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle 
		  in it, and I'll blow out my liver.
	
	Head Over Hill:
	    Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
	    Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
	           Found him every couple of blocks.
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	Not yet categorized:
	
	"How about a beer, Norm?"
	"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good 
	 things about it!"
	
	"How are you Mr. Peterson?"
	"Yeah...as if you care."
	
	"What's shaking Mr. Peterson?"
	"What isn't?"
	
	"How's it going, Norm?"
	"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."
	
	"What can I do for you Norm?"
	"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my 
	 second beer. Uhhh, how about a first one?"
	
	"How's life, Norm?"
	"Ask a man whose got one."
	
	"What's up, Norm?"
	"God's in His Heaven, [pause] something, something, something."
	"Beer, Norm?"
	"Yeah, that's it."
	
	"How's the world treating you, Norm?"
	"Like I just ran over its dog."
	
	"How are you today, Norm?"
	"I'm on top of the world...It's a dismal spot in Greenland."
	
	"What'll you have, Norm?"
	"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
	"How 'bout a beer?"
	"Even better."
	
	"Whatcha up to Norm?"
	"My ears."
	
	"Beer Norm?"
	"Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?"
	
	"Beer Norm?"
	"I remember that stuff. Better give me a tall one in case I like it."
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