From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: seeing
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 18:56:41 GMT

minkpup@IASTATE.EDU (Lisa E Peterson) writes:

>In article <1992Apr10.215957.15632@news.iastate.edu>, twnv6@isuvax.iastate.edu
>writes:
>> 	I have another problem I would like some help on.  How do other people
>> deal with seeing their perps?  I was raped by my best friend six months ago,
>> and I see him all the time.  We live in the same residence-hall complex, so
>> I see him sometimes in the commons or at food service.  I also see him
>> sometimes
>> on campus.  And the worst part, he is now dating one of the girls on my
>> floor,
>> who I happen to be very good friends with, and most of our friends are the
>> same.  I can't seem to get away from him!!!  And he can't understand why I
>> refuse to have anything to do with him, he seems to think that I should be
>> able 
>> to forgive him.  ARGH!!  The entire situation just makes me mad!!  He STILL
>> claims that he did nothing wrong, and that I made the whole thing up.  Which
>> is 
>> why he thinks I should forgive him.  I just don't know what to do about the
>> situation.  I have remidied part of the problem though, I will be living in
>> a different complex next year.  But what can I do abnout the now?  I really
>> hate
>> to have anything to do with him, but I don't want to lose friends either.  A
>> few of my friends also refuse to have anything to do with him, but those are
>> only the ones here at school that I have told.  HELP!?!?!?  Please!?!?!  Any
>> advise or suggestions would be VERY helpful.  Thanks in advance.

> I've dealt with this by telling the guy "I no longer want you in my life
> because you hurt me so don't go out of your way to try to get me to forgive
> you.  You may not think you've done anything wrong but the fact remains that
> I was hurt by you in some way and don't wish to be around the person that
> caused that pain." If your friends invite you to a function that he's going
> to be at and you feel apprehensive, don't go.  This is definitely a case
> where a few white lies to your friends about things won't hurt much.  You
> need to take care of yourself first and don't feel you have to tell all of
> your friends about what he did if they push for a reason why you no longer
> want to do things that he is part of. 

while i agree with lisa peterson suggests you say to him, i disagree with the
advice she gives on how you should deal with the social awkwardness of the
situation.  pj, *you* didn't do anything wrong.  he did.  there's no reason why
you should have to lie to your friends to cover up for him.  this is my advice:
be active about dealing with him.  this will empower you.  it has only been six
months; report him to the police or the campus police at your school.  report
him to your dorm advisor.  at the very least, he'll get a reprimand or be put
on dorm probation.  he may even be required to move out of the dorm.  stand up
to him, report him to the authorities and show him that he doesn't have any
power over you.  i suspect that you are also very worried about your friend.
let her know what he did to you, and that you are worried about it happening to
her too.  don't let him make your life miserable.  he's the one who did
something very very wrong, make *his* life miserable.

-- 
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