From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: ******SPOILT HER*****
Date: 30 Sep 92 10:00:47 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <Bv85II.Ipn@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
(brandywine) writes:

>Okay, so I have a tendancy to pun....
>space here
>giving you a chance
>to run as fast as you can

Nope.  Didn't work, sorry!  :)

>one of my good friends tonight said to me, "you are eventually going
>to have to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming your
>parents for everything that happens to you"
>
>and then I fell into a depression such that I can't handle. I am okay.
>I am not going to die... I have myself firmly convinced that I cannot
>die right now. it won't happen yet. I am going to be here, NO MATTER
>WHAT, so I better deal....
>
>she has a point. as some point, I am going to have to let go of the
>anger enough so that I can stop being so misreable. (sp?) but that
>point isn't now.
>
>the shitty part is that I *AM* a responsible person. I always HAVE
>been the "responsible one". I work hard... make the grade... take care
>of things... of people... of myself to a certain extent. not as much
>as I should, perhaps, but I made it thru 22 years... and with the
>history I have... that is INCREDIBLE. I should be proud to be
>BREATHING not having to justify myself to a woman who has had her life
>handed to her on a silver platter.

Damn streight.  You seem to be making a better reality for yourself than I
can...  And I haven't faced a fraction of your pain.  My pain is different, and
I can't justify feeling pain like I do...  At least you can post your messages
publicly...  Now I've gotten scared and resorting to sending things via Email,
since I'm too public to go anon with this situation, incase I may tick someone
off...  But when I re-read the stuff, I realise there is nothing to tick anyone
off.  But I still can't bring some of it forth in a public message.  Does this
make sence?

>Just who the hell is she to pass
>judgement of my life? what if I do want to go back to sleeping with
>everyone I see? so what? that is my choice... I never asked for her
>approval!!!!! 

You don't have to ask ANYONE for their approval.  Fuck 'em and enjoy your life!

>but of course I did. don't we all search constantly for approval and
>love from somewhere?

From somewhere...  Maybe we'll find it someday... ;(

>so I am confused and feeling alone. I know she was wrong in what she
>said, but what she meant is true. I do tend to HATE my parents for
>their CONTINUING manipulationa nd pain. But I still live with them.
>And, the GOddess help me, I STILL LOVE THEM. I EVEN *UNDERSTAND* how
>it was allowed to happen and *WHY* they are such fuck-ups as parents.

Emotions and people are a bitch to figure out in detail, huh?  I know exactly
what you're saying, but I lack words to speak out on this topic...

>but even, with as much as I have told her, she cannot understand. she
>doesn't have the capability to see what I see. she called me weak
>tonight when the truth is, I am being strong. does that make sense?

Perfectly.  You are extremely stong for making it to where you are.  Hopefully
one day, I'll gain the same strength.  I'm breaking under what must be a
fraction of the weight...

>I can understand just about anything. I can see it and feel what the
>pain must have felt like... the pressure my parents were under... I
>understand... and that scares me too. my little lower-middle-class
>background surrounds me and makes me see that the truth is, life could
>have been much worse... and I am lucky to have good friends and
>a support system.
>
>but still I sit here crying WHY ME? why me at all?
>(not tears... I still don't cry. I don't want to. what are tears for,
>they don't change anything)

But tears bring a release of emotion.  It allows you to temporarily excape the
pain...  Maybe my logic is just screwed...

>I am so lost. I had a five hour time when I was feeling nothing this
>week. nothing. no pain, no joy no nothing. I knew I *SHOULD* be
>concerned... so I pretended to be concerned... and I worked it out and
>got back to myself. but the absence of the CONSTANT PAIN... the
>CONSTANT REMINDER that I WILL NEVER BE 
>the carefree child I never had a chance to be
>i will constantly remind myslef... that little ache that never ends...

Never say never...  (Argh, can I get more stereotypical in my quotes?  Read on
and laugh/cry at 'em.)  Just because you are where you are now, doesn't mean
you can't one day get beyond the pain.  A few people actually manage to forget.
 Goddess alone knows how, but I've seen it happen.  Maybe only for a little
bit, but the day may come where you won't be in constant pain...

>this is rambling.. and I am sorry if I am hurting anyone... but it
>hurt so much for her to say that. THEY WERE WRONG. maybe, I should
>drop out of school and leave... just leave...
> 
>BUT I CANNOT. I AM RESPONSIBLE. TOO RESPONSIBLE. I GRADUATE IN MAY. I
>CANNOT LEAVE UNTIL THAT IS DONE.
>
>and, unfortunately, i will last that long. I cannot take my own
>life... (I know you don't see that as a weakness, but I do.)

It's not a weakness.  It's just a matter of perspective.  I think you are
immensly strong for being able to stay where you are.

>I cannot even want to... too much to do... too much to be....
>
>DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND? WILL I ALWAYS BE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS MY
>PAIN?

Each pain is different.  I won't know what it's like to go through what you
are, and you'll never know what it's like to be in my pain.  But we both feel
extreme pain, and we can help each other out of our seperate pains, by sharing
and strengthening each other...  And now if I can get myself to beleive that
100%, we'll be doing a little better.  ;)

>probably. you can see it and relate to it... but pain isn't something
>most people can really share. all sharing my pain does is cause more
>for you. and I am sorry....

No.  You don't make more pain.  You show what you are carrying, and we realize
that we are not alone.  There are other who are hurting like we are...

>perhaps I should destroy this, not send it... but I cannot. I reach fo
>ryou all and your ehugs... because I need them. and I hate needing
>anything....

I'm glad you posted this.  Not only did the message lend some strength to me,
but I was also able to use it to show some of my pain publicly, that for some
reason I feel I must keep to Email...

If you'll pardon a quote from a play:

"There's so much good in this room, if you were to take all that good and put
it into bottles, you would have a truckload of bottles of good!"

(And a truckload of E-Hugs are sent your way)

>than-you for trying to read this... I know it doesn't make much
>sense... but I sit here stone cold sober wondering why she can't see
>it... and knowing that it wouldn't help much if she did....
>
>-brandywine

It makes a lot of sence, and I'm glad to be able to read your posts...

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|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     |NOTICE: Your Milage May Vary|   Suite 246             !
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|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery