From: karen@dogear.spk.wa.us (Karen Kirkpatrick)
Newsgroups: alt.child-support
Subject: A Man's Guide to Divorce
Date: 5 Jan 93 23:02:13 GMT
Organization: Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA



                              HOW TO GET A DIVORCE
                          A Primer for the Modern Man

Men who entertain filing for divorce, or have reason to believe that their
spouse is considering it, need a 'road-map' for negotiating the dangerous
curves which often accompany the proceedings. This pamphlet seeks to give
men that guidance. We must point out that this information is not to be
considered Legal Advice.

Index:

      I   Storm Warning
      II  The Trial
      III The Order


I. Storm Warning:

What to do when divorce seems inevitable.

  a) Cause yourself to lose your job. Make sure that you approach this in
     such a way that your employer doesn't pity you and keep you on out of
     kindness. Feigning symptoms of Turret's Disease when your boss is near
     and/or loudly discussing your negative opinion of them are often suc-
     cessful ploys.

  b) Become re-employed, and make sure that it's full-time, non-commission
     type work. Manager Trainee for Mac Donalds is a often a viable option.
     Mac D's is *always* looking for people who want to earn $4.25 an hour.

  c) Start quietly selling off marital assets, but only put one-third of the
     money in the bank. Put the rest in multiple out-of-country accounts.
     Lichtenstein is usually good.

  d) If you have children, arrange for them to always have multiple third-
     parties with them when you have any contact at all. Convince your wife
     to hire a nanny.

The point here is setting yourself up ready for the future. The reason for
being fired is lowering your income. For the court, it will be the outrage 
and emotional upset which triggered your behavior when you "found out your 
wife had a secret second life as a prostitute." Your despair and anguish 
destroyed your ability to work in your chosen field because of the reputa-
tion you got from making your emotional outbursts at work. However, being a 
stand-up guy, you took work that was really beneath you because, hey, you've 
got a family to support. You'll be assessed slightly lower support than usual
for a man like yourself, but it will still hurt. You keep that extra money to 
get by. You want to make sure that all contact between you and your kids is 
witnessed, because your wife will be advised by 'friends' to accuse you of 
molestation. 

II. The Trial

How to behave and what do do when you get to court.

  a) Prior to your court date, you should undergo a sex change operation.
     Testify that you've always been a woman "inside" and the divorce now
     gives you the freedom to come out of the closet. Explain that you
     used to have breast implants --not cosmetic, functional, and that it
     was you who breast-fed the children.

  b) While in court, spend a great deal of time making eye-contact with
     the judge. Wink a lot. (Caveat: only wink at male judges, the female
     judges may call you into chambers to take you up on it).


  c) Ask the judge if there is informal explanations of the divorce pro-
     cess available. Indicate that you were suprised that your wife's
     attorney was allowed to settle by offering to take money for them-
     selves instead of the client.

Courts are based on tradition and sexism. Therefore, in order to get a
fair shake, both you and you wife must appear to be women. By stating
that you were the one who breast-fed the kids, the court will be torn 
about who it was who actually provided 'primary care' to the children. 

It's always good to keep the opposition off balance, so if you can make 
a case against the wife's lawyer, they'll be too busy trying to stay in
good stead with the Bar Association to spend a lot of time researching
their client's case.

III. The Order

How to act after the divorce.

   a) Contract a debilitating disease.

   b) Get re-married to a woman who already has a small child.

   d) Go on welfare

It's important to get hold of a debilitating disease early on after the
divorce. Because they take a while to actually mess up your motor func-
tions, you have to look to the present. In order to avoid payments of
ordered support right away, you have to move quickly.

Contraction of the disease (might) lose you your job at Mac Donalds. In
any case, getting married to a woman with a child is a safe bet, because
when you go on welfare, you get AFDC. If your only family income is AFDC,
then your income may not be garnisheed. You go this route until the dis-
ease takes hold, then dump the new wife and live on Social Security and
GAU in peace until you die.

---
Bob Kirkpatrick <bobk@dogear.spk.wa.us>
Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA

---
Karen Kirkpatrick
karen@dogear.spk.wa.us