From: anon-1545@twwells.com (boxofrain)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ****  SPOILER  **** (story and introduction)
Date: 12 Jan 93 20:11:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi folks,

ANON-Name: boxofrain

                        ******  SPOILER WARNING  ******


content: abuse story, (I thought a long time about this) subsequent
         inappropriate sexual interaction, cutting, thanks to all.









Well, as I said above, I thought a long time about posting this.  There 
were several reasons that I decided to post.  First, and foremost, I was
sexually abused.  This is a group for survivors and I am a survivor.
(Sorry to be defensive, but I feel that way).  Second, this group has
already contributed to my recovery and I wanted to thank everybody.  But,
honesty did not permit me to leave out a large portion of my life.
Finally, what inappropriate sexual behavior there has been is long
in the past (about 10 years) and *amends have been made*.

Story:  When I was 3, I had a babysitter who molested me.  Hm, that's
an awfully short version.  I'm still trying to get back to that memory
in some ways.  Still a lot of distancing...  Well, he asked whether
I "had ever tasted pee" and told me that he knew a good way to 
"make him pee".  So, he had me performing oral sex on him.  I have to
digress for a moment to thank the people in this group for
sharing stories of cutting.  For a while I was a cutter, though
I never really connected to the reason that I cut.  I went
so far as to show my therapist scars, because I knew that they
were important to me without really knowing why.  Then, after reading
articles on cutting in this group I was able to realize that my
cutting was about giving a voice to the pain that was in me.  When I
was performing oral sex, he kept telling me to "go deeper". As my
therapist said "you can't talk with a penis in your mouth".  I don't
specifically remember choking, but I think that all of my anger was stopped
in my throat.  Cutting gave my body a voice for my anger.  Anyway,
discussing cutting led me to this memory and another body memory
that is still unclear.

Later that year (? maybe next), I was over at a neighbor's house and we
were picking up leaves from the lawn.  I remember looking up her dress
and seeing *both types* of genital.  After all, I didn't really know
what to expect there as I had only seen one type.  I think what
happened (again, only a body memory that may or may not be true) is that
she took me inside and beat the sh*t out of me.

I also have a memory of the taste of female genitals that occurs right
around this time.  Unfortunately that is all that I remember
for now.  I sincerely hope that this one comes back.

I would like to tell the rest of the story as well, even though it
involves inappropriate behavior on my part, and I am ashamed
of having done this.  I think that this might resonate with some
people as the number of people that abuse have also been abused.  When I
was 6 I started sexual behavior with my sister (three years younger).
I don't really know what to say about this, except that it went on for
a long time (about 10 years).  For me two things happened that
brought this about, as far as I can see.  First, being abused destroyed
any conception of sexual boundaries for me.  I was so angry at him, but
I could'nt get my anger out.  I found out years later (actually, just
last year) that I had told my parents about the original abuse.  On the
advice of friends and the family doctor they did nothing.  Most people
told them "Oh, he'll jsut forget".  (!!!!)  Since channeling my anger
in "normal" ways didn't work, I needed to act out.  I set myself up
in his spot (abuser) and put all of the anger in myself (another reason
that I cut).  The other is the second story above.  Really, that set
up sexual behavior as "bad" behavior for me and allowed me to
set myself up as "bad".  This helped me, but, obviously, there were 
ways that were appropriate (as opposed to incest) for expressing
anger.  What I did was wrong.  I did it.  I have tried to move past it.
I mailed an amends letter to my sister.

I think I'll stop there.  As I said, the primary reason that I wanted to
post this is that I can't post other stuff to this group in good
faith without telling the story.  Also that it happened.

ppppp to all

bor

-inch your way through dead dreams to another land

                -Hunter/Lesh



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