From: rhw@att.com (Robert Wentworth)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Re: Angry Parents
Date: 5 Nov 92 20:58:03 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories

In article <1992Nov4.210829.8429@iscsvax.uni.edu> mccall3080@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:
>In article <Bx3Fov.Ezn@tct.com>, lenore@tct.com (Lenore Cook) writes:
>> I have posted here a few times and have received lots
>> of help, so here goes again.
>> 
>> As I have said before, my husband and I are facing
>> divorce.  Because of the current situation, we have
>> decided it is time for a separation.  I will be 
>> moving out this month.  Now the problem....
>> 
>> I have never shared our problems with my parents.  I
>> share the positive stuff, but chose to keep the
>> negative stuff to myself.  This is a new pattern for
>> me.  I used to tell them everything and it seems
>> that they would eventually use it against me.  
>> Anyway, I did finally call them and tell them we
>> were separating.  That was last weekend.  This weekend
>> I had a conversation with my mother and she is 
>> VERY angry with me - for just dumping this on her
>> and not ever letting her know there was a problem.
>> 
>> I have a hard time making decisions and sticking by
>> them, because I have always let other people influence
>> me...how will they feel, how will they react etc...
>> I felt good about my decision to keep my problems 
>> to myself, but now I don't feel so good. I feel like
>> a little kid again who can't ever do the right 
>> thing.  I'd like some feedback from you out there
>> Do we ever grow up?  (I'm 32 by the way, so it's
>> not like I'm a child).  
>> 
>> I anxiously await your replies.
>
>
>This is my advice.  You can use it or not.  Right now you are at a point that
>anything said or done is going to affect you more than they normally would. 
>You are sensitive and vulnerable, but unfortunately some people don't pick up on
>it.  Your mother's reaction is probably very nromal.  She is a parent and
>probably hopes that her children will come to her when they need help.  She
>might feel betrayed that you didn't trust her with this information.  Her anger
>will proabably be temporary.  She WANTS to be there for you and that's what's
>important.

Lenore, I read the situation differently. From what you say it's not clear
whether your mother genuinely wants to help, or whether she can effectively
do so even if she wants to.  We don't know the detailed history, but in this
instance, Lenore, your mother is not being helpful.  She's adding an
additional burden of guilt to a time that is burdened enough.  You imply
that in your view past attempts to share problems with her resulted in more
trouble for you in the long run.  If this is really a pattern, you have a
right to be cautious with her, to protect yourself by taking care of
yourself as you see fit and trusting your own judgement as to what to tell
her.

>As a daughter and as someone who is experiencing traumatic events, you want to
>keep everything to yourself--no matter how much it hurts.  You want to maintain
>control.  That behavior is destructive though.  It is OK to reach to people.
>Believe it or not, they want to help.  Don't let this get you down too much
>though.  You did what you could to get through the tough times.  It isn't going
>to do you any good to beat yourself up about it.  Just know now, when you need
>the help the most, your mother is there for you and wants to do this.  Not all
>daughters are so lucky.
>
>Melissa

Yes, it is dangerous to hold too much inside, and yes, it is good when
appropriate to reach out to others for help.  But that doesn't mean that
it's good to reach out for help to people who will hurt you.

I know what it's like to be influenced by others' feelings and expectations.
My own sense of what I want and what is right for me is quiet enough that I
have to deliberately shun the opinions of those who voice their feelings too
strongly, so that I'll have the space to find my own answers.  It's hard,
but I think it's necessary if one is to have a life of one's own.

With your mother you are in a position where you have to continue to think
about what it is you need and look after your own interests.  Maybe you can
get some support from her to help you through this, maybe you can't.  You
might try to tell her what you need from her, very clearly.  Maybe something
like:

	Mother, I have a hard time hearing my own thoughts and feelings
	about things if I talk to you about them too much.  So I need to
	keep some things to myself.  I'm not "dumping" this on you.  It's
	not your problem or your responsibility to handle my marriage.  It's
	mine, and I'm doing the best I can.  I'm telling you about it now
	because this is very hard for me and I could use your love,
	encouragement, and support.

There's probably more to be said, but I may be wandering off the mark of how
things are for you.  The bottom line is that you've been responsibly trying
to take care of yourself, and you need to continue to do that even through
this interaction with your mother.  If you can't depend on her, don't.
Ask her for what you want (e.g., support rather than anger) and do your
best to accept that it may or may not be forthcoming.

As to when we grow up: I suspect never.  At least, not completely.  Old
people still have children inside them, still feel like children especially
in relation to their parents.  But parts of us grow up gradually, one step
at a time.  That's the way life is, and it's okay...

Good luck,
Bob
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