From: lawrence@ctron.com (Gary S. St. Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: LNH: The Case of the Clueless Mystery - Part 3 - The Finally Chapter
Summary: "Finally" because the bloody thing is finished!
Keywords: Pocket Man, CluelessMaster, Mainstream Man, Panta, Sarcastic Lad
Date: 26 Jan 93 21:38:49 GMT
Reply-To: lawrence@express.ctron.com (Gary S. St. Lawrence)
Organization: A dark, rotting basement somewhere in the Northeast


			THE CASE OF THE CLUELESS MYSTERY
				   Part Three
			       THE FINALLY CHAPTER


	The splash page shows Pocket Man, Mainstream Man, Sarcastic Lad and
Panta standing on a flying platform disc, hovering above a foreboding
building. The sign on the building reads "Absolutely Harmless Warehouses, Inc."
In the window of the warehouse, The CluelessMaster is aghast as he sees the
LNHers closing in on him fast.

	Last issue, the CluelessMaster escaped from Pocket Man and Mainstream
Man when one of his generic thugs bumped into him and activated his teleport-
ation device, sending him where the heroes had little hope of following.

	"Oh terrific!" shouted Mainstream Man. "Where the hell did he go now?"

	"I don't know," Pocket Man said perplexedly. "He was here and then there
was a flash of light and ... then ..."

	"TELEPORTER!" The two heroes exclaimed simultaneously.

	"Since when does CluelessMaster have a teleporter?" Pocket Man asked
rhetorically.

	"Oh, you know these super net.villains, Pok," Mainstream Man said.
"They're always coming up with new devious gadgets and such. I wouldn't
worry about it. We're heroes .. and you know how heroes always come out on
top."

	"Yeah, I guess ... provided they don't have a nitwit writing them,"
Pocket Man said, looking at directly out of the panel. "I suppose we should
check out this place for clues and traps before we head back to the LNHQ."

	"Yeah, I'll take this side," Mainstream Man said.

	After about an hour of searching the warehouse, the heroes found little
in the way of clues. This *was* the CluelessMaster they were up against after
all. But Mainstream Man had found a stash of junk food and several boxes of
instant cheesecake mixes in a cabinet. The heroes decided to take the supplies
and stock the LNH cupboards, since nobody ever mentions going grocery shopping
for the net.heroes.

	"Man, Cheesecake-Eater Lad's gonna have a field day with this stuff,"
Mainstream Man said as he and Pocket Man flew back to the LNHQ via their 
flight thingies. Mainstream Man noticed an intense scowl on Pocket Man's face,
indicating that the Sultan of Storage was deep in thought. "Hey, Net.Earth
to Pocket Man! What's up?"

	"Huh? Oh, sorry MM," Pocket Man said. "I was just thinking about
that thug who bumped into CluelessMaster just before they disappeared. Did
you notice anything ... strange ... about him?"

	"No. Nothing out of the ordinary," Mainstream Man said, thinking
recursively about the incident. "He was average height and olympic-class
musculature, blonde hair, blue eyes, standard Byrne-face wearing a brown
windbreaker and cabbie's cap ... Waitaminit!!! A cabbie's cap? You don't
think ..."

	"That's *exactly* what I think!" Pocket Man said grinning. "Come on.
Let's get back to the HQ and run this through Multi-Tasking Man and the
computer."
	
	The two heroes sped off into the distance, leaving the two-line arc
in their wake showing their flight path. Approaching the HQ, Pocket Man
saw Panta entering the building, loaded down with a stack of school text
books. Flying to her side, he scooped the books from her and stored them 
in his left shoulder pocket.

	"I'll get these, Panta," Pocket Man said, opening the door for the
lovely cat-girl. "How's school?"

	"Oh, it's okay Mr. Pocket Man," she said. "But I hate that I'm the only
one at Professor Xavier's who has to really do any schoolwork. All the other
students, most of whom I've never even laid eyes on, spend all day in some
vault in one of the sub-basements. They go in and come out, but they're
usually all beat up and tired when they come out. It's weird."

	"Well, Professor Xavier's is a fine school Panta," Pocket Man said.
"I'm sure you'll get a lot out of your time there. How'd that Organic
Chemistry test come out?"

	"Oh it was great!" the cat-girl exclaimed. "Organic Lass gave me
*so much* help. There was no way I could've failed it. She's really 
great."

	"That she is, little one .... that ... she ... is," Pocket Man
said, again getting that glazed look in his eye whenever he thought of
the Maid of Molecules.

	Panta's smile turned to a slight frown as she recognized Pocket
Man's affections for Organic Lass again. Arriving at the library, Panta
said, "Well, thanks for carrying my books for me Mr. Pocket Man. See you
later." The cat-girl scurried into the library, saying nothing more.

	"Better watch yourself there buddy," advised Sarcastic Lad,
suddenly emerging from beside the dented Coke machine outside the LNH
library.

	"Watch what?" Pocket Man said, turning to greet his friend.

	"That there little piece o' catnip wants your ball of yarn,"
Sarcastic Lad said, grinning and puffing on a cigarillo.

	"Cut that out!" Pok exclaimed. "Don't talk about her like that.
Panta's a sweet little kid and I'm just looking out for her in this
bin of super-powered nutcases. That's all!"

	"Yeah, well, just by lookin' at her, I can tell she's got more
than her well-being in mind when it comes to you, buddy boy," Sarc said.

	"Just ... drop it, okay?" Pok said. "Listen, I've got a problem
with this CluelessMaster case. You want in?"

	"CluelessMaster? You bet! Nuthin' I like better than trouncin'
a two-bit punk like him." Sarc sneered. "What's the skinny?"

	Pocket Man filled in his friend and ally as Mainstream Man joined
them in the conference room. He explained the lack of clues to the villain`s
whereabouts and the sudden use of a teleporter. Sarcastic Lad listened,
only occasionally making a snide remark.

	A knock came at the door. It was Panta. Mainstream Man opened the
door and Panta said, "Oh, sorry guys, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just
wanted to take a break from homework and needed to talk to Mr. Pocket Man."

	"Come on in Panta," Pocket Man said, dismissing the crude grin on
Sarcastic Lad's face. "What do you need?"

	"Oh ... nothing. It can wait," the leopard girl said. "Whatchu guys
doing in here anyway?"

	Pocket Man explained that the heroic trio were discussing battle plans
against the CluelessMaster, which brought out a surprising response from
Panta.

	"That geek? I was reading about him in the paper this morning,"
Panta said. "What a loser! His main gimmick is to not leave clues to his
crimes? Ooooh, that's a master stroke."

	Pocket Man turned to Sarcastic Lad, "You're having a really bad
influence on this girl ..." Sarc just grinned.

	Just then, Cheesecake-Eater Lad burst into the room, his cheeks stuffed
with several flavors of the instant cheesecake mix he'd thrown together in
the kitchen. "Hoov keevkick wuv diff?" he asked with his mouth full of
artifical chocolate flavoring. "Hoovever it wuv ... fankff!!!" Then the
Dessert Destroyer ambled back into the kitchen, gorging more cheesecake into
his mouth as he walked.

 	Mainstream Man and Pocket Man just shook their heads, when Panta said,
"If I were fighting this guy, it'd be almost a textbook superheroing case,"
the leopard-girl said. "He'd be so easy to beat!"

	The three elder heroes looked skeptically at the young girl in
jeans and a sweatshirt bearing huge "X" on it. "Oh REALLY!" snapped
Sarcastic Lad. "And just how would you beat this guy sweetfur? Giggle
him into submission? Lick a bowl of milk until he surrendured?"

	Panta growled at Sarc and bared the claws of her right paw. Sarcastic
Lad saw this and sat back down. "Ummmm, uh heh heh, ... I mean, pray,
tell us what you'd do Panta?" He gulped loudly and Pocket Man and 
Mainstream Man smirked.

	Panta walked purposefully over to Pocket Man and began reaching into
his right hip pocket.

	"Oooooh, this might be good afterall," Sarcastic Lad leered happily.

	"Sarc ... shut the hell up!" Mainstream Man snapped.

	From the pocket, with her arm buried in to the shoulder, Panta
produced a large bound set of papers. "You beat the guy .... with *THIS*!"
She tossed the book on the table(not tm). On the cover it read, 
"Script -- The Case of the Clueless Mystery. Warbler Bros. Productions,
copyright 1993. All rights reserved." Panta stood back, crossing her arms
and looking proudfully triumphant.

	"POK!!! Why didn't you tell me you had this thing," Mainstream Man
screamed. "We could have nailed that creep before he teleported out of
the warehouse! This is something one of those bonehead Image thigh-boys
would do!" 

	"I didn't know I had this!" Pocket Man exclaimed. "This is a strange
effect of my power I've never encountered before -- having things on me but
not *knowing* I have them. I'm going to do an inventory as soon as I have 
a spare 71 weeks in which I'm not doing anything."

	"....." the room was silent. Then Mainstream Man grabbed the book
and began ushering Panta out the door, scooting her along with the book.
Panta grabbed Mainstream Man's collar and leapt backwards, smacking him on
the buttocks with her tail as she landed. "I'm not going anywhere!" she
exclaimed adamantly.

	"The little .... ummm ... the kid's got nice moves," Sarc said.
"Let her stay, MM. Hey, she was smarter than we were. She knew where the
book was in the first place."

	"Yeah ... how did you know I had that, Panta?" Pocket Man asked.

	"I read it in the book," she said plainly. "Page 104."

	"But how did you know the book was there to read if you hadn't 
read it to know it was there to ... read ... it ...?" Pocket Man said,
confusing himself.

	"Look," Panta said, "Do we wanna go trounce the CluelessMaster or
sit here and discuss Doctor Emmet Brown's theories of space-time continuum
disruptions?"

	The four heroes looked at on another and leapt to their feet, as
Sarcastic Lad yelled, "YEAH! Let's go kick the ... ummm ... STUFF ... outta
this punk!" Mainstream Man leaped into the air, striking a perfect Dick
Giordano flying pose, with his right hand extended out flat and his left
in a fist curled into his abdomen. Panta bounded over the table, a broad
smile curling her face as she hurtled past Self-Righteous Preacher in the
hallway. The preacher scowled and stormed down to the hall to the rectory,
muttering something about "order and discipline" and "over his dead body."

	The CluelessMaster strutted about his new hideout, a run down former
shoe factory on the West side of Net.ropolis.

	"So whatawee gonna do next boss," asked generic(un-tm [Un-tm! Un-tm!
The twister's coming! Where'e Toto?] ... sorry.) thug #98723948790011.

	"Silence fool! Can't you see I'm thinking?" the CluelessMaster
shrieked, visibly shaken by Pocket Man's detection of his earlier hideout.
"If that heroic U-Haul truck found me by the lack of clues, and I am the
undisputed master of the lack of clues ... how did he find me? The answer
must lie in the lack of clues, perhaps I unwittingly left a clue within
the absence of clues."

	One of the thugs fainted from the mental strain of following the
CluelessMaster's logic. "Take him out and shoot him," the villain ordered.
"But boss," said a lackey (author's note: someone studying to be a thug),
"he's your own brother!"
	"Okay," the CluelessMaster said. "Then use small caliber bullets!
Must I think of *everything* around here?!"

	Suddenly the south wall of the building imploded as the four LNHers
burst in. Pocket Man led the fray, deflecting the bullet spray that was in
store for the villain's brother with a Strongstuffium shield he'd pulled from
his pen pocket moments before crashing through the wall. Bullets ricochetted
everywhere, felling several thugs and thugs-in-training.

	"Give it up CluelessMaster! You're days of villainy are over! (We'd
like to thank Cliche Dude for the temporary use of this line of dialogue. We
now return you to our regularly scheduled comic book.)" Mainstream Man
shouted, pummeling a thug in the stomach with a classical Joe Kubert
crescent kick.
	
	"Aaaaaaarrrgggggggghhhhhh! (on loan from Cliche Dude)" screamed the
CluelessMaster. "How did you find me again, you overgrown overnight bag?!?!"

	"We just followed scene 14 in the script, you villain!" cried Panta.
"We had you nailed from the moment we opened the cover!"

	"Curses! (thx CD) That cursed script again! I thought I ordered
that thing destroyed as part of the elimination of clues to our scheme!"
he shouted, back-fisting Thug-Prime in standard Manga-Khan fashion.

	"You did! But there was a copy kept on file in the LNH Library
under in the "Ridiculously Simple and Reader-Insulting Plot Device" section,"
Pocket Man said. "I must have unwittingly gathered it and put it in one of
my pockets knowing I'd eventually fight you again CluelessMaster!"

	"By the Moons of BleeJowel! Foiled by an overzealous part-time
librarian!" CluelessMaster said, reaching for his teleport device and 
finding it missing. To his side, Panta was busy shredding the belt and
device with her clawed feet, pawing the remains through her legs behind
her.

	Sarcastic Lad landed a smashing right hook on two thugs, felling
them both. He bounded forward into a group of the limitless number and
said, "So Cluey! Where'd ya get all the hired help -- Wal-Mart?" Sarc
cascaded through the thuggery like so many leaves off an autumn tree.

	Pocket Man blasted into the CluelessMaster with his foot, sending
the villain hurtling to the floor. "Oh psshaw," CluelessMaster said.
"Why can't I ever be one of the really good villains? Like The Man Who Once
Had, But Then Had To Fight For, And Eventually Lost The Gauntlet Jewelled
With The Insanity Gems (*See Flame Wars and the soon-to-be-released
Flame Wars Epilogue for details on TMWOH,BTHTFF,AELTGJWTIG.) or
Magazine-Neato?"

	Placing LNH-cuffs on CluelessMaster, Mainstream Man said, it 
wouldn't have made any difference, you punk. We're heroes, and as you
know, heroes always .."

	"Oh shut UP!" snapped the CluelessMaster. "Just take me to jail."

	"Yeah, I hear it's meatloaf surprise night at the state pen," quipped
Sarcastic Lad. "If ya hurry, you can get an extra helping of sawdust!"

	Mainstream Man, with the CluelessMaster in tow, flew into the sky,
enroute for Net.ropolis Prison. "Good job, heroes! Stan would be proud!"

	"Who's Stan?" Panta asked, licking her paws clean.

	"Never mind kid," Sarcastic Lad said. "You're too young to learn about
him! Maybe when you're oldoooooooowwwwouuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhwwwwwwww!"

	Panta grinned at Pocket Man as she swiped her claw across Sarcastic
Lad's butt. Pocket Man winked and said, "Let's go home. Anybody for a 
game of ... Clue?"


				THE  END  --  FINALLY!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREDITS:
Pocket Man/Sarcastic Lad 	Gary St. Lawrence	lawrence@express.ctron.com
Panta (no tm)			Hubert Bartels		hgb@catalina.edu
Mainstream Man			Non-WC (I think)
Cheesecake-Eater Lad		Non-WC (I think)
Self-Righteous Preacher		Non-WC (I think)
	

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