From: dudding@sallyride.crd.ge.com (Kate Dudding)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Brazelton on toys (long)
Keywords: toy guns, fads, Madonna posters, computer games
Date: 7 Oct 92 16:37:31 GMT
Organization: GE Corporate R&D Center

Here are excerpts from Nov. 91 Family Circle by T. Berry Brazelton
on toys.  I'm sharing them because he raises points that I had never
thought of before, and I thought other might be interested in considering
what he says.

Feel free to disagree with what he writes, but no flames, OK?  I'm not
saying everyone must buy their kids guns/Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles/computer games.  (As some of you may recall, I was furious
when my sister-in-law took it upon herself to buy my son his first
gun.)  I feel parents should decide what types of toys are allowed in
their homes.

PS Hi to all the New England misc.kidders I met at the picnic on Sunday.

On to Brazelton:

"...I have never seen a 4-year-old boy who didn't cock his thumb and
point his forefinger to make a gun out of his hand.  (Traditionally,
4-year-old girls have been less likely to do this because of adult
disapproval, but I suspect they are doing it more now that sexual
stereotypes are fading.)

Four- and five-year-olds play war games to test out ways of expressing
their newly emerging feelings of aggression.  They _need_ to find safe
ways to talk about these feelings and play out these impulses.
Meanwhile, parents who have strong feelings against aggressive
behavior try to dissuade their children from playing with toys
weapons.  What they don't realize is that this is a normal,
predictable 4-year-old phase.  Even in isolated, peace-loving tribes,
like the Mayans in Mexico, I saw boys of this age in loud, aggressive
play.  They, too, made guns with their hands and "shot" at each other.

Unfortunately, when you prohibit toy guns, you reinforce the child's
natural, provocative behavior, which, in turn, prolongs his obsession
with such objects.  Instead, I believe in compromising: Allow the
toys, but monitor the behavior.  ... [say] something like this: "Tim,
I know you and your friends need to play at warfare.  You realize that
we as a family don't believe in such play, but let's get it out of
your system.  It's make-believe, and you must keep it that way.  If
you hurt someone or get too upset by it, NO MORE GUN PLAY!"  With that
answer, she respects his need to express his aggression safely through
play, and by setting firm limits, she keeps his "testing" within
bounds.

Other kinds of toys I constantly hear parents grumbling about are
those related to a recent fad.  Said one mother, "All I hear about are
Ninja Turtles and New Kids on the Block.  If my children don't have
_all_ of those toys, they say that no one will want to come over to
play.  And you know what?  They're right!"

It's almost impossible for us as parents to understand who these fads
get started.  Why, we wonder, do kids need to identify with warlike
turtles and distorted-looking adolescent dolls?  I think it's because
they sense an abhorrence of these things on the part of their
parents.  For kids, such toys serve two purposes: (1) as an expression
of rebellion, and (2) as part of a private fantasy life that parents
can't invade.

Fantasy play is important to children of all ages, and sharing it with
peers, while excluding adults, is also necessary.  Of course you can
set limits on the number of these toys your child can have, but also
be sure to give the child an explanation.  "We can't afford to spend
that much.  If you feel you need more Ninja turtles than Daddy and I
can buy for you, let's figure out ways you can make your own money.
Then you can spend it any way you want."  If your child is too young
to have a paper route, perhaps you can give her some household chores
as a way to earn the extra money.

Fortunately for parents, fads fade as mysteriously as they appear --
and humanoid turtles won't last forever.

I also hear parents complain about toys and entertainments that they
consider to be in poor taste and that don't conform to the values
they've worked to instill in their children.  One mother was so upset
by the gaudy, suggestive-looking posters of Madonna and other rock
starts, which her 10-year-old had hanging all over her bedroom walls,
that she said she felt like marching into the room and ripping them
down. ...

When parents come to me with these kinds of worries, ... I point out
that the more they hassle their child about matters of taste and
related issues, the more resistance they're likely to encounter.  It
is a critical part of finding themselves that preteens try out new
music, new hair and clothing styles, jewelry, trinkets, books and
anything else they can think of that they know you won't like.

As a parent, you certainly can set limits on where your child uses and
displays these questionable items, but I counsel against making a big
thing of it.  As with toys of aggression, the more kids are impressed
with your disapproval, the more likely they are to become fixated on
the object.

The comforting fact is that children -- just by growing up with their
parents' tastes and values -- eventually learn to identify with them.
...

Although children this age need to rebel, they also need to know their
parents are on their side and will listen and help with their
concerns.

Some parents describe the new computer toys as "addictive." ...  Part
of what attracts children to these games is their competitiveness.
For that reason I often advise parents to provide substitutes that
offer a similar competitive thrill ..., playing ball with them
coaching a neighborhood team or thinking up some other challenging
outdoor activity that you can engage in with them and their friends. ... "

Thanks for reading this far.  As always, your mileage may vary.

-- 
Kate Dudding                                   dudding@crd.ge.com
GE Corporate Research and Development
Bldg. KW, Room C315
PO Box 8, Schenectady, NY 12301                (518) 387-7164
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