From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 2
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:52:06 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                   The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                              Chapter 2

                        A Question of Tongue


Five years pass during which the Enterprise discovers at least a dozen
new life forms and/or civilizations. On their way back to Earth, the
Enterprise encouters a black star.  Pulling away from it sends them back
more than three hundred years into the past.  ("opps")

Returning to the present, the Enterprise has a brief shore leave and sets
off (with minor crew changes including the addition of one Ensign Chekov)
only to encounter, wouldn't you know it, a time disturbance.  McCoy,
carrying a hypodermic full of cordrazine ("for medicinal purposes only"),
ends up getting a sudden urge to visit the year 1930.

Finally, after Kirk and Spock go back in time to retrieve McCoy, the
Enterprise is able to begin a new mission.  One of their first
contacts is a primative planet deep in the Gamma Hydra quadrant.
Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy beam down to the surface.

      "Hold it right there," a native shouts out.  "You're from the
United Federation of Planets?"

      "Yes," Kirk replies.

      "I need to check your passports.  O.K., two humans and a vulcan.
How long will you be staying on this planet?"

      "Actually, were just visiting.  In fact, it's a good thing you came
along when you did.  You see, we're unfamiliar with this planet.  Could
you please direct us to the centre of global goverment?"

      "Yes, why it's just a few blocks away."

      "Well, that's convenient!"

      "Follow me!"

      They do.  Along the way, they make careful notes concerning their
surroundings.

      "Spock, look at the way these people are dressed!  They just have no
fashion sense!"

      "Easy, Jim, remember the Prime Directive: we can't interfere in the
local culture."

      "I guess you're right."

      They enter a large hall.  At the other end of the hall is a man on a
throne wearing a pink robe with yellow polka dots.

      "Spock, I don't think when they wrote the Prime Directive that they
ever thought we'd encounter anything quite like this."

      "Captain, if that man is the global leader, then the others here
must
either be local representatives or be in charge of specific duties."

      "Good, then we're in the right place.  I'll talk.  Greetings
everyone!
We represent the United Federation of Planets, or simply U. F. P., and
we're here to establish formal diplomatic relations with your people.
Well?  Spock, something's wrong: they look as if they don't understand
me."

      "I'm afraid they don't speak English," their native guide informed
them.

      "Fascinating," comments Spock.  "A *totally* alien race."

      Just then a squad of Klingons bursts in.

      "This world and everything on it now belong to the Klingon empire!
You are from this moment on subject to Klingon law!  Any transgression
will
be penalized by death!  Now, you: take off that hideous robe!"

      "Those bastards!"

      "Easy, Bones: he's right, it is a hideous robe."

      "You heard me: take it off!"

      "He can't answer you," their native companion tells them.  "He
doesn't speak English.  I'm the only one on this planet who can speak
English."

      "Is that so?"  The Klingon raises his phaser.

      ZZZZZZArrrgh!

      <<Alright, from now on the official language on this planet is
Klingon!  All official business will be carried out in Klingon!
Your children will be educated in Klingon!  Finally, all commercial
signs will from now on be in Klingon subject to a fine whose size
will be determined by the relative prominence of other languages versus
Klingon!>>

      "That does it!"

      "No, Jim, there's too many of them!"

Kirk rushes forward and lands a solid punch on the
Klingon commander's face.  Before any of the Klingons in his squad can
react, Kirk shoots them all with his phaser.

Breathing heavilly, his shirt torn, Kirk activates his communicator
"Kirk to Enterprise.  Come in Enterprise!  What's your situation?"
Kirk wipes blood from his mouth.

      "Captain, we're in a wee bit of trouble here: we're got a fleet of
Klingon warships firing on us!  I dinna know how long we cun hold out!"

      "You've got my permission to fire back with phasers and photon
torpedos!"

      ZZZZZZ -BIP-BIP-BIP- ZZZZZZ -BIP-BIP-BIP- ZZZZZZ

      "It wurked, Captain!  They're running off!"

      "Good, Scotty!  You've earned your pay for the week!  Now, beam us
up!"

      "Captain!"

      "Belay that order, Scotty!  What is it Mr. Spock?"

      "What about our mission here?"

      "Well if it's true that this man was the only one here able to speak
both our language and their's then this mission was a failure unless ...
Scotty, who's next in line for duty?"

      "Lieutenant O'Neil!"

      "Send him down right away!"

      Just then, Lieutenant O'Neil materializes.

      "Wow, you really were standing in line, weren't you?"

      "Yes, Sir!"

      "O.K., the situation is this: these people don't speak English.  I
need someone to stay behind for a few years and learn their language and
culture in preparation for our next visit."

      "Sir?"

      "That's an order, Lieutenant!"

      "Yes, Sir!"

      "Good!  Scotty, three to beam up!"

      Kirk, Spock and Dr. McCoy dematerialize.

      Lieutenant O'Neil looks at the carnage around him.
"O.K., I guess you're all wondering what just happened here."

NEXT: "The Glory Years"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca