From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Re: Golf jokes
Date: 8 Apr 92 22:52:52 GMT
Organization: University of Washington


                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                             Humor: Golf (52)
                               March 3, 1992
                      bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  [1]
  There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put
  up with taking in a round with his wife.  One time (with his wife along)
  he was having an extremely bad round.  On the 12th hole, he sliced a 
  drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack.  Although he did not have a clear
  shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack
  and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
  able to hit through.
  
  Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other
  side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to
  the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit.  His wife had
  been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through.  After a
  moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what
  he was doing.  At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that
  hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

  The distraught husband avoids golf for a year.  But he finally recovers,
  remarries and is playing golf with his new wife.  Once again on the 12th
  hole, he slices his drive to the shack.

  His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed,
  I think you could play through." 
  
  "Nah," replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."
  ==
  
  [2]
  A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
  "I would!"
  "And would you let her come into my house?"
  "I would!"
  "Would she be working in my kitchen?"
  "She would!"
  "Would she sleep in my bed?"
  "She would!"
  "Would she put her clothes in my press?"
  "She would!"
  "Would she have my Renault 4?"
  "She would!"
  "Would she use my golf clubs?"
  "DEFINITELY NOT!"
  "Why?"
  "She's left-handed!"
  ==

  [3]
  Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral
  passing by on a road adjacent to the course.  One golfer suggests to the
  others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead."
  So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.
  
  Finally, one of them remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars.  That person
  must have been well loved."  The first golfer replies, "Yes, we would have
  been married 25 years tomorrow."
  ==

  [4]  
  A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train.  They get
  bored and start telling each other about their families.
  
  The German says I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team.
  
  The Englishman says huh!  Thats nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I'll
  be the world-champion soccer-team's coach.
  
  The American starts laughing. He says I've had 17 wives and no kids!!
  But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!
  ==

  [5]  
  A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband
  she needs to learn the game.  So she goes to the country club
  and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.  They get out to the
  course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would
  her husband's organ.  She hits the ball and the pro exclaims,
  "Beautiful!!  Great shot, right down the center of the fairway!
  Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
  ==

  [6]
  Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
  up for and took lessons.  After six months of diligent effort she was
  ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.
  
  Out on the course she was stung by a bee.  Fearing an allergic reaction
  she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.
  
  I've been stung by a bee!  What shall I do?
  
  Where were you stung?
  
  Between the first and second hole!
  
  Beverly, we need to work on your stance...
  ==

  [7a]  
  There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last
  twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful girl steps up from the
  sea, wearing a wet suit.
  
  She: "Would you like a cigarette?"
  He:  "Sure."  (He takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it.)
  She: "Would you like a martini?"
  He:  "Sure."  (He gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini
       from her wet suit.)
  
  Then she says, with a gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around?"
  He:  "I don't believe that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"
  
  *OR*
  
  [7b]
  A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
  As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad
  nymphet standing over him.  She asks, "Would you like some food?"
  
  The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
  noo, and I am verra hungry!"
  
  She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
  helping of haggis.  (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the
  better.)  When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something
  to drink?"
  
  "Och, aye!  That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much
  like a drink!"
  
  She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year
  old single-malt Scotch whiskey!  The Scotsman is beginning to think that
  he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you
  like to play around?"
  
  "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
  ==

  [8]  
  Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf.  It's Arnold's turn to tee off,
  and he does so.  It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about
  a seven iron off the green.  "Not bad," Jesus says.  So He steps up to tee
  off, and his too is a straight drive up the fairway, but a little short.

  Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the
  ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway.  Before it can even get
  ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in
  its mouth and flies off towards the green.  Just as the trio gets above the
  hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the
  eagle and the gopher.  The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole
  in one.
  
  [a]
  Arnold Palmer turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to play golf or are
  you going to fool around?"
  
  *OR*

  [b]
  After the gopher and the eagle disappeared and the ball went in,
  Jesus looked up and said: Father please...I'd rather do it myself!

  *OR*

  [c]
  In this version, Arnie and Jesus are about to tee off, when an old, old
  fellow steps up and asks if he could join them.  Arnie doesn't know who
  the guy is, but says what the heck, they've got all the time in the world.
  The old timer hits the ball that the gopher picks up, and after the
  lightning bolt does its work and the ball goes into the hole, Jesus
  says, "Aww come on, Dad, it's only a game!"
  ==

  [9]  
  There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter
  at the Holy Gates.  St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there
  is a problem.  He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where
  the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell.  He suggests that the man go to
  Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself.  If he 
  didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.
  
  Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he
  had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity.  He had
  traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.  
  
  When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was
  surprised at the man's situation.  He had assumed that since the question
  about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to
  Heaven.  The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. 
  It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways,
  everything.  The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't
  control himself.  He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a
  wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of
  clubs.  Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden
  Tee.  The devil then said that only members could play.  The man couldn't
  control himself.  He just had to play there.  
  
  He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to
  stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there.
  
  When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time.
  The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play.  No one else uses
  the course.  Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee.  He
  gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched
  clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out
  his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball.  Satan
  comes up and the man asks him for a ball.
  
  "That's the Hell of it," says Satan.
  == 

  [10]  
  It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been
  very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go
  golfing.  Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to
  go golfing.  The weather was just beautiful.
  
  He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of
  laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for
  several days.  He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf
  course.
  
  He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see
  him playing hookey, and blasted the ball with his wood.  It was a
  beautiful shot!  It went straight and true.  It bounced, and bounced
  (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer...
  a hole-in-one!!  The priest jumped up and down in his excitement,
  praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!
  
  He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the
  second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his
  astounded delight.
  
  All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates
  of heaven.  St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity.
  "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker.  He
  ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing.  And now you
  reward him with a hole-in-one!  Why?"
  
  God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him."
  St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation.  God
  replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell
  his story to?"
  ==

  [11]
  A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father.
  I used the F-word this week."
  
  "Ah, my son.  Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word.
  After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it."
  
  "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed
  straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the
  woods."
  
  "That is when you used the F-word.  I can appreciate your frustration,
  my son, as I am a golfer myself."
  
  "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father.  I then hit a perfect shot
  out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
  
  "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
  
  "No, Father, I was calm even then.  I got out my sand wedge and hit a
  perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball
  stopped an inch from the cup."

  "Ah, that is when you used the F-word.  How frustrating."
  
  "No, Father, I was still cool."
  
  "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
  == 

  [12] 
  These two guys were approaching the first tee.  The first guy goes into his
  golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this
  ball."   He draws a green golfball out of his bag.  "You can't lose it."
  
  His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
  
  The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.  If you hit it into
  the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces
  bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you
  to find it."
  
  Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
  possibilities until he is convinced.

  The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible!  Where did you get that ball!"
  
  The man replies, "I found it."
  ==

  [13]
  A Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to
  finish off the round together.  The friend has a little dog
  with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with
  a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on
  its hind legs.

  The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and
  says, "That dog is really talented!  What does it do if you miss
  a putt?"

  "Somersaults."

  "Somersaults!!!!  How many of them does it do??"

  "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
  ==

  [14]  
  Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life.  As he got into his sixties, his
  eyes started to fail him.  He didn't want to give the game up, so he went
  to see the family eye doctor.  The doctor said there wasn't much he could
  do, but he new of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see
  like an eagle.  The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that
  Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.  Jeb, of course,
  didn't believe the doctor.  The old guy was almost a century old, but
  could see like an eagle !!??
  
  Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.  On the first tee, Jeb
  drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it
  went.  He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"  To which Wilbur replied,
  "Sure did." 

  Jeb asked, "Where did it go?"  Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
  ==

  [15]  
  A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a
  large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Joe".  Being
  deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Joe runs up thinking
  the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground,
  kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.  After Joe has hit the
  ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes
  himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.  The deaf mute
  then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking
  big Joe in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious.  The mute
  then walks down the fairway rolls big Joe over and goes (...This is the
  visual part: please hold four fingers in front of your face.)
  ==

  [16]
  The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
  He never got out of the bunker.
  ==

  [17]  
  Why do WASPs play golf?
  So they can dress like pimps.
  ==

  [18]
  Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3.  They can see
  the flag, but not the green.  The first golfer hits his ball into the
  fog and the second golfer does the same.  They proceed to the green
  to find their balls.  One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the
  other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one.  Both were playing
  the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which ball
  was which.  They decided to ask the course pro to decide their fate.
  After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,
  "which one of you used the yellow one?"
  ==

  [19]  
  Once there was an avid golfer who was playing golf at a very expensive, very
  exclusive golf course.  On the eighth hole, he had the great good fortune to
  hit a hole-in-one.  When he pulled the ball out of the hole, great gouts of
  smoke issued forth, to coalesce into a genie a few seconds later.
  
  "Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie
  intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will
  grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
  
  The guy thought a few minutes, and said, "I wish my dick would grow longer."
  
  "Done!" said the genie, and sank back into the hole.
  
  The guy continued his game, but was distressed to find that his dick was
  growing but not stopping.  By the tenth hole it had reached his knees, by
  the twelfth, his feet.  Finally, he returned to the clubhouse and bought a
  bucket of golf balls, returned to the eighth hole, and started hitting balls
  from the green.  Eventually, he hit another hole-in-one.  He walked to the
  green, holding his penis (which was now so long it otherwise would have
  dragged on the ground), and retrieved his ball.  The genie appeared as
  before.
  
  "Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie
  intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will
  grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
  
  The guy immediately responded, "I wish my legs were a little longer."
  ==

  [20]  
                            RULES OF GOLF
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  1.	A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
  	placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it
  	carried or rolled in the rough.  Such veering right or left
  	frequently results from the friction between the face of the
  	club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be
  	penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
  	uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
  
  2.	A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the
  	tree.  Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a
  	scientific game.  The player should estimate the distance the
  	ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play
  	the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of
  	grass.
  
  3.	There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.  The missing ball
  	is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found
  	and pocketed by someone else.  It thus becomes a stolen ball,
  	and the player should not compound the felony by charging
  	himself with a penalty stroke.
  
  4.	In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward
  	the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an
  	extra stroke, or strokes.  In any case, no more than two
  	strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is
  	reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate
  	on his shot instead of hurrying it so as not to delay the game
  	of his playing partners, he would be out in two.
  
  5.	If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed
  	to have dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object
  	attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without
  	something to support it must drop.  The law of gravity
  	supersedes the law of golf.
  
  6.	Same thing goes for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole
  	and hangs there defying gravity.  You cannot defy the law.
  
  7.	Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup.  A ball should
  	not go sideways.  This violates the law of physics.
  
  8.	A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such
  	comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in.   This rule
  	does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the
  	hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.
  
  9.	There is no penalty for a so-called "out of bounds" shot.  If
  	penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this
  	would not be a problem.  The golfer deserves an apology, not a
  	penalty.
  
  10.	There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard.  Golf balls
  	should float.  The fact that they do not is a technological
  	problem that the manufacturers have not yet overcome.  Again,
  	the golfer should not be punished for someone else's
  	shortcomings.
  
  11.	Advertisements constantly proclaim that golf scores can be
  	markedly improved by purchasing the newest clubs, balls, shoes
  	and other golfing accessories.  Since this is financially
  	impossible for the average golfer, 1/2 stroke per hole may be
  	subtracted from the score for using old equipment.
  ==

  [21]  
                             Penang Golf Club
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Re:  The admission of women to the club.
  
  Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the 
  following rules.
  
  1.	Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either
  	with hands or club.
  
  2.	Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.
  
  3.	All players with partners are requested to come together.  When the
  	lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes
  	but continue playing.
  
  4.	In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so
  	choose a new position.
  
  5.	Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length 
  	from the hole.
  
  6.	Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of 
  	recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag
  	has been lifted.
  
  7.	All holes must be kept clean at all times.
  
  8.	Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as
  	the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes
  	around the holes.
  
  Booking hours (based on the five stages of age):
  
  Ages:  20 to 30 years.  It's once in the morning and once at night.
         30 to 40 years.  He knocks off the morning and has it at night.
         40 to 50 years.  It's now and then (anytime).
         50 to 60 years.  God knows when.
         60 to 70 years.  If he says he is still inclined, take no notice;
                          he is out of his mind.
         70 to 80 years.  If he can lift his club, go ahead.
  ==

  [22]  
                            THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
      
  1.	Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally 
  	one club and two balls.
      
  2.	Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  	The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
  	player on that course.
      
  3.	Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
  	keep the balls out.
      
  4.	For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
  	owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
      
  5.	Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
  	damage to the hole.
      
  6.	The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary     
  	until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure
  	to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course     
  	again.
      
  7.	It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately     
  	upon arrival at the course.  The experienced player will normally
  	take time to admire the entire course with special attention to      
  	well formed bunkers.
      
  8.	Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have    
  	played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course
  	being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage         
  	players equipment for this reason.
      
  9.	Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
  	protection.
      
  10.	Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
  	properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
  	played for the first time.  Previous players have been known to
  	become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
  	considered to be a private course.
      
  11.	Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
  	times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to
  	be temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely
  	tactful in this situation.  More advanced players will find
  	alternative means of play when this is the case.

  12.	The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
  	bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
  	with, and approach to the hole.

  13.	Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
  	attempting to play the back nine.
      
  14.	Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
  	proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
  	owners request.
      
  15.	It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
  	the same hole several times in one match.
  ==

  [23]
  One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The
  father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball
  towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the
  woods.

  "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
  
  "Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language.  The Lord
  will not like it."
  
  The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again
  goes sailing into the woods.

  "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
  
  "Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
  
  Third hole.  Once more the father tees up.  Once more the ball sails
  wide, this time landing in the water trap.
  
  "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.

  As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from
  the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
  
  From the sky comes a booming voice:

  "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!"
  ==

  [24]
  A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying
  the luxury of a complimentary caddy.  Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly
  all day.  Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the
  fairway.  He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day,
  I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."  The caddy looks back
  at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
  ==

  [25]
  I was out golfing the other day.  The only good ball I hit was when I
  accidentally stepped on the rake!
  ==

  [26]
  What are three words frequently heard on a golf course, but never
  in a whorehouse?
	Bite, you cocksucker!
  ==

  [27]
  A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game is getting worse and worse.
  Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be seen playing.  He decides that
  he'll practice early in the morning so that nobody sees him and hopes to
  get better again fairly soon.
  
  On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the
  first tee and gives it a smack.  The ball slices viciously and flies
  over the golf club fence.  The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's
  so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.
  
  The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again.  Again he
  slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a
  man walking his dog.  The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he
  goes.
  
  "You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks
  the golfer.
  
  "Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers.
  
  "Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.
  
  "No," says the golfer.
  
  "Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to
  skid into a mother pushing a pram.  Both the mother and baby were killed
  instantly."
  
  "Thats terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"
  
  "You want to drop your left shoulder."
  ==

  [28]
  A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the
  couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM.  His wife asks why he is so
  tired.
  
  "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy?  He died today, on the
  fourth green."
  
  "That's terrible," she says.
  
  "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George,
  chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."
  ==

  [29]  
  Do you know why the golfer wore two pairs of pants?
  	In case he got a hole in one!
  ==
  
  [30]
  Swiftie: "I'm no good at golf.  I know I'm going to hit another bad shot,"
           Tom forewarned.
  ==
  
  [31]
  A friend and myself were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy
  comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us.
  
  I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow
  you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
  
  He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."    
  
  So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf, he was good.
  We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us.
  He said, "Great!  What time?"
  
  "8 o'clock."
  
  "Great!  I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
  
  So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays with his opposite
  hand and shoots under par!!
  
  I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer,
  beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good
  with your opposite hand.  Just what is you secret?"
  
  He said, "Well......when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on
  her left side, I play left-handed.  Or when I wake up in the morning and
  my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."
  
  So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"
  
  "That's when I get here at 8:05."
  ==

  [32]
  There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf
  course.  Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
  allow women on the course during the week. 
  
  The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
  club, and became active.  After about 6 months, the club board
  received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men
  urinating on the golf course.  Naturally, they just ignored the
  matter.  After another 6 months, they received another letter
  reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.  After
  due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that
  they had been granted equal privileges!
  ==
  
  [33]
  There is a brand new professional golf tournament scheduled next year
  for the Chicago area.  A site hasn't been decided on as yet, but they
  have lined up both a corporate sponsor and a celebrity to host it.
  
  The corporate backing is supposedly going to come from "Legg's Pantyhose."
  
  The celebrity who has agreed to host it is going to be Richard Pryor.
  (Unfortunately he won't be playing, though.)
  
  Watch for it, as it promises to be a good one.  By the way, the name of
  the tournament will be the Pryor-Leggs Open.
  ==
  
  [34]
  A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice.
  His buddy asks him what happened to his voice.
  
  He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into
  a pasture.  However, he thought he could find his ball and went
  to look for it.  He saw a woman looking for her ball, too.  As he
  passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the
  back end of the cow.  He lifted up the cow's tail and called out,
  "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"  That's when she hit him in
  the throat with a 5 iron.
  ==

  [35]
  A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving along in their car 
  after the couple has come from the golf club.  Because of his movements,
  the tees in his pocket fall out. 

  His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of 
  your pockets?"

  "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."

  "Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."
  ==

  [36]
  A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has 
  particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in
  it every time he plays that hole.  One round he decides that this process
  is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good
  ball.  He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it.
  Just as he commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:
  
  	"USE THE NEW BALL..."
  
  Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following he picks
  up the old ball and tees up the new one again.  He starts his back-swing but
  once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:
  
  	"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.."
  
  The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing.  Just as he steps
  forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:
  
  	"USE THE OLD BALL."
  ==
  
  [37]
  A businessman while out of town decided to play a little golf after a 
  short work day.  He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to 
  go out to the course and get paired up there.  When he arrived there were
  no guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a 
  foursome.  He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the 
  lady.  While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but
  were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years.  They were both 
  getting very frustrated with their games.  On the 18th a par 4 the game was 
  about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2.  When they 
  arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had 
  ever seen.  This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
  He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six.  He looked over the 
  green and was very frustrated.  He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us 
  dinner tonight."  He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through 
  the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed.  Just as 
  it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped
  and the ball rolled back into the cup.  He made a great shot.  Not to be 
  outdone the lady tried to line up her shot.  She said, "If I make this
  shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner."  The guy 
  interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
  He walked all over the green trying to find the groove.  He suddenly smiled
  walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimme if I ever 
  saw one."
  ==

  [38]
  Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf.  It's Arnold's turn to tee off,
  and he does so.  It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about
  a seven iron off the green.  "Not bad," Jesus says.  So He steps up to tee
  off, but his drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of
  a water hazard.  Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

  "Jesus!" yells Arnie, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?!?"
  ==
 
  [39]
                            PSALM 23
                        a psalm of Hogan

                    The Lord is my golf-cart
                        I shall not walk.
 
                 He maketh my drives to lie down
                   on the green: He leadeth me
                    beside the water hazard.
 
                     He restoreth my divots:
            He leadeth me in the paths of the fairway
                      for His name's sake.
 
                   Yea, though I walk through
            the valley of the shadow of Pebble Beach,
                     I will fear no dogleg:
                      for thou art with me;
           thy wedge and thy niblick they comfort me.
 
                   Thou preparest a tee for me
                 in the presence of the Masters:
               thou anointest my hands with rosin;
                 my putt runneth over to the cup
                        and dwells there.
 
                     Surely low greens fees
            shall follow me all the days of my life;
     and I will dwell in the clubhouse of the Lord for ever.
                                     - R. MOORE
  ==
  
  [40]
  "You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!"
  "Sorry old chap!  Here, take a shot at mine!"
  ==
  
  [41]       
  "Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls"
  ==
  
  [42]
  I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was somewhat
  interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers, in
  particular, late afternoon league golfers.   This study indicated that the
  single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married
  ones.  The way this fact was determined was as follows:  the single golfer
  goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
  goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he
  goes to bed. the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
  "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing
  decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator......... 
  ==
  
  [43]
  Wife asks husband to make love to her before he goes to the golf course one
  Saturday morning.  I don't know, says the husband.  Making love to you is
  fun, but I enjoy golf more.
  
  Well, says the wife, at least you never lost a ball while making love to me.
  ==
  
  [44]
  A group of golfers were searching for one of there golf balls
  out in the deep rough.  After several minutes of laboring,
  the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares
  he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream,
  "He is a goddamm liar!  I have his ball in my pocket!"
  ==
  
  [45]
  A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway.  While
  looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun.  The leprechaun asks him,
  "How's your round of golf is going?".  The golfer admits, "I'm having one of
  my worst rounds ever."  The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell.
  The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?"  The golfer replies,
  "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years."  So, the leprechaun zaps him
  with another spell.  The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.
  
  Two months later the golfer is playing the same course.  He checks to see if
  the leprechaun is still around.  Sure enough, he spots him in the woods.  The
  leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately?"  The golfer responds
  with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life."  The leprechaun then
  asks, "How's your sex life doing?"  The golfer replies happily, "I've been
  getting some almost every other week."  The leprechaun seemed dismayed and
  said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that."
  
  The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car,
  every other week isn't so bad."
  ==
  
  [46]
  A man is staying at a Vegas hotel and goes to play golf on their course.
  Before he starts, he buys 3 golf balls for $5.  He has a very pleasant
  round.
  
  The next day he decides to play a different course and goes to the one
  across the street.  He also requests 3 golf balls and finds out that
  the price is $25!  He protests, "Where I played yesterday, they were
  on the $5."  The pro shop attendant explains, "Well, over there they
  get you by the room."
  ==
  
  [47]
  Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf?
  He lost his ball.
  
  Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf?
  He found it.
  ==
  
  [48]
  "Well, in plain old shitty English, I'm driving it bad, chipping it bad,
  putting bad, and not scoring at all.  Other than that, and the fact that I
  got up this morning, I guess everything's okay." - Bob Wynn, 1975
  ==
  
  [49]
  "Golf is the most over-taught and least-learned human endeavor. If they
  taught sex the way they teach golf, the race would have died out years ago."
                                       Jim Murray - Golf Magazine
  ==
  
  [50]
  "Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?"
  "Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?"
  "No, for using the wrong club."
  ==    
  
  [51]
  Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
  whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what 
  seemed like hours.
  
  "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women.
  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back
  to where his companion was waiting.
  
  "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife and the
  other's my mistress!"
  
  "I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back before
  reaching the green.
  
  "What's wrong?" Bill asked.
  
  "Small world, isn't it?"
  ==

  [52]
  "36 things every real golfer shouldn't do, but does anyway."
  
  1.  On a par 3, hit the ball farther from the hole than where you teed off.
  2.  Skip the ball off of the surface of a lake and land it on or near the 
      green.
  3.  Throw your club inot the fairway of another hole.
  4.  Putt the ball farther from the hole than where it initially was.
  5.  Shank a ball so bad, it hits your partner who is standing next to you.
  6.  Throw your driver twice as far as your drive.
  7.  Fail to hit the ball past the ladies' tee.
  8.  Hit your divot farther than your shot.
  9.  Hit the tee on your drive and miss the ball completely.
  10. Hit the large ball desgnating the teebox farther than your drive.
  11. Throw a club in disgust into the water.
  12. Hit the most beautiful drive of your life and not be able to find the
      ball.
  13. Say "I'm never playing golf again", and go the next day.
  14. Hit the ball in such a way that the head breaks off your driver and 
      goes farther than the ball.
  15. Lose 4 balls in the same lake.
  16. Break your club by hitting a tree on the backswing.
  17. Putt the ball off the green into the bunker.
  18. At a resort course, hit the ball onto private property, and decide not
      to go and get it because it broke one of the straps on a lawn chair.
  19. At the same resort course, with new clubs you've never used before,
      realize that your new clubs are stronger, and overshoot the green and
      the house behind it.
  20. At the driving range, hit the ball so it goes straight up, hits the 
      Overhanging canopy, and flies back at you.
  21. In the woods, hit a ball such that it hits a tree and hits you, therefore
      causing you to get a penalty stroke.
  22. Drive a cart into a lake.
  23. Accidentally throw your driver into the highway.
  24. Scatter ALL your clubs over the teebox in disgust.
  25. Putt the ball off the green across the next tee.
  26. Hit your drive so poorly that it goes into the parking lot and hits your
      own car.
  27. Hit the longest 1 iron of your life into that unreachable pond and not
      even care.
  28. Knock the ball within 3 feet and the 4 putt.
  29. Chip in from 70 yards for par.
  30. Get a 10 on a par 3.
  31. Take an 11 on a par 5 in a 4 man scramble.
  32. After being called up on a par 3, hit their cart with your drive.
  33. Take a driver, 3 iron, and pitching wedge over the back of a long par 5
      only to find your ball embedded in a rotten log, and play the lie.
  34. Roll a cart.
  35. Lose a ball down the correct fairway.
  36. Have a ricocheting drive almost decapitate your partners.
  ==

  Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list.  Please send
  additional golf-related humor to bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu.

  Bob