From: karen@invincible.bsd.uchicago.edu (& Brilmyer)
Subject: Re: Letter from home (long)
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 17:49:55 GMT

In article <BxEwFs.CAE@twwells.com> anon-1326@twwells.com ([nickname])  
writes:
> Hi again out there in ASAR-land.  I told you that I got a letter from my  
dad,
> and I decided to post the letter to the net.  I cut some of it out  
because it
> had to do with other things besides myh parents' relationship.  My  
comments
> are in brackets; I've also deleted the names and put them in brackets  
too as
> usual to protect my identity.
> 
> 2 November 1992
> 
> Hi [Captain]!
> 
> Please do me a favor and read the entire letter.  It's not meant to be
> judgmental or critical, nor to inflict any pain.  It's just that my
> letter-writing skills are not on par with yours.
> 
> [My first thought here was that my dad was trying to put my on a guilt  
trip
> for going to one of the top colleges in the country while my dad never  
even
> went to college.  Read on, though.]
> 
> I got your letter today and you are right about everything, except  
possibly
> the last sentence.  [Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the last  
sentence of
> my letter to him.  I must find my copy on the computer.]  No, I am not  
hurt
> [thank God], nor am I upset at you.  I love you more than you know and
> sincerely wish only the best for you.
> 
> [It's not that I don't love him, as he sometimes seems to think, it's  
that
> I've had a lot of trouble having any sympathy for him-- I feel he let my  
mom
> walk all over him.]
> 
> I would like to address some of the points you bring up, but ask that  
you
> PLEASE do not think I am trying to transfer any of my guilt or blame  
upon
> you.  I am only trying to give you my perspective on the thoughts that  
you
> have expressed.  I am proud of you for taking positive steps with your  
life. 
> I wish you continued success with both education and life in general.
> 
> A little about me.  I was raised believing that the husband/father was
> responsible for all that happened to his family.  It was early during  
Mom's
> first pregnancy that I realized that I had one hell of a job ahead of  
me,
> being married to a time-bomb.  She and I used to get into some royal  
battles. 
> I didn't always acquiesce.  Then came the final 6 months of pregnancy  
#1--
> Mom was hemorrhaging the whole time and I was so worried about her and  
the
> baby, so I started biting my tongue.  What joy afterwards that she and  
[your
> sister] were both OK.  Soon we were getting into it regularly-- doesn't
> matter who was right-- we were fighting constantly.  Then [your brother]  
came
> along, then [your other sister].  With three kids, Mom had her hands  
full. 
> So I became the rigid, Germanic, disciplinarian.  By the time you were  
born,
> [your brother] had still not started to talk [he was three at the time],  
so
> it was off to speech therapy a couple of times a week.  With me working  
for a
> living, Mom had her hands full with this added burden.  Naturally, the  
stress
> level in the home went up, causing more confrontations between Mom and  
me. 
> After a year, the speech therapist determined that [your brother's] lack  
of
> speech was caused by my level of discipline.  Hey, if I didn't have the
> answers, I had to trust the professionals-- WRONG, WRONG.  Now we had a  
kid
> so rebellious that he'd take a softball bat (real wood) and want to send  
his
> sister's head into outer space.
> 
> [I realized a couple of years ago that my brother had had aggressive
> tendencies-- I remembered a time when I was younger when my brother came
> after me with a carving knife.  I didn't know about this other stuff  
though. 
> Maybe this helps explain why my brother molested me repeatedly over the
> course of about three years.]
> 
> Between that and a bunch of other shit, I finally lost it and nearly  
killed
> him.  Remember, Mom and I are still going at it tooth and nail, and I  
had
> started some serious drinking.  Realizing that had I succeeded, and  
caused
> [your brother's] death, I would no longer have any control over  
protecting my
> kids from an irrational mom.  Even with my lower level of education [why  
does
> he keep mentioning this? I wondered.  Is he trying to put me on a guilt
> trip?] I knew that I needed help.  So, [your brother], Mom and I ended  
up in
> counseling.  The only thing is that [your brother] had only started to  
speak
> the year before, and Mom would put a padlock on her mouth.  So it fell  
to me
> (I felt) to try to explain this nightmare to the counselor, hoping that  
Mom
> might loosen up and start chiming in.  No such luck, only more  
resentment
> because I was "airing the family laundry"-- her words.  I didn't care.   
I
> wanted help for [your brother] and us, and I didn't want to go to jail. 
> Anyway, after a few years, [your brother] got better (not well, but at  
least
> I wasn't ready to kill him), and the counselor said "that's all I can  
do, but
> I feel that the parents need marriage counseling".  GREAT-- except Mom  
just
> stood me up at our first counseling session-- just flat out didn't want  
to
> "air our family laundry".
> 
> That was when I realized I was shoveling sand against the tide.  All I  
ever
> wanted was some level of sanity for us all in this mental hospital  
without
> bars called 'home sweet home'.  I guess that's when I started giving in. 
> Also to keep her off you kids, around that time I started taking the  
blame
> for things that the kids did wrong (whenever I felt I could pass it by  
her)
> on the pretext of sheltering you guys from her wrath.  It's now obvious  
that
> didn't work either.
> 
> Now to your suggestion as to standing up to Mom.  I already tried that  
one
> back in September ([your brother] witnessed that event)-- didn't work;  
she
> can't accept that she may be even one percent wrong.  I have never  
forgotten
> the look of pity and sadness on your face when (during your senior year  
of
> high school) you sat in the living room and asked me why I let Mom walk  
all
> over me.  I guess because I thought I was protecting you kids.  I now  
see how
> deeply wrong I was.  All I did was create more mental havoc for us all.   
What
> more can I say?  "I'm sorry", while true, doesn't begin.
> 
> [Actually, I remember that day in my senior year when I asked him this.   
If
> my memory about this is correct, he didn't really answer the question.]
> 
> PS: Long before any kids came along, I convinced Mom to get treatment  
for her
> depression.  But after an adverse reaction to Valium, she went "ostrich"  
on
> me, and any further attempts to get her treated were futile.
> 
> God bless you,
> Dad
> 
> * end of letter *
> 
> Well!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My dad was far more understanding  
than I
> ever thought (or hoped) he would be.  One thing scared me, though.  In a  
part
> of the letter I deleted, my dad said that he still loves Mom and wants  
her to
> get better.  He admitted, though, that he knew that wouldn't happen.  I  
fear
> that he may, deep down inside, still be in denial.  The way I see it, he
> still wants to be with my mom, and isn't accepting the fact that she  
won't
> change.  I mean, he said he already stood up to her once a few months  
ago,
> and that didn't work.  Yet he still wants her to change.  (By the way--  
I'll
> just have to take my dad on his word about this.  I'm not really on  
speaking
> terms with my brother considering the fact he molested me; when I wrote  
my
> brother a letter about this, he didn't answer it, instead, he just  
started
> treating me like even more of a persona non grata.)
> 
> After having read this letter, I feel that the only solution for my  
parents
> is to get a divorce.  I say this with a great deal of sadness because  
I've
> always been opposed to the idea of divorce-- I've always felt that  
people
> should try to work things out.  That's also what I've learned as a  
Catholic,
> and I find it difficult to square my personal beliefs with my religious
> beliefs-- I learned over the past few years just how strong my belief in  
God
> is-- indeed, it's one of the things that helped me make it through the  
hell
> of the past few years.  But in my parents' case, it's clear (and I've  
felt
> this way for a while) that the differences are irreconcilable and that  
the
> best thing for the entire family would be to get out of that unhealthy
> relationship.  

*****I don't mean to be so forward.... but it is not your responsibility  
to come up with a solution to your mother and father's  problems.... I  
know as most survivors our tendency is to bend over backwards for everyone  
else's life while totally ignoring what is important for us....  I know it  
is difficult but try desperately to turn the focus where it is needed  
most... on YOURSELF!!!!  Take care of YOURSELF!!!!  

Also in my opinion... I found this letter to be very expressive open and  
honest.... I only wish my parents could share as much as your father  
did...  I would consider you lucky....

That's the reason why I try so hard to be independent up here
> at college.
> 
> My counselor wanted me to schedule an appointment with him once I got a  
reply
> from my dad.  I've been thinking about it, and I really don't want to  
have
> another appointment with him.  I'm sure everybody out there who reads  
this
> newsgroup regularly knows that my counselor violated my confidentiality,  
and
> I don't want to trust him with any of this.  Indeed, about the only  
thing I
> want to do is rip my counselor's head off for having violated my
> confidentiality.
> 
> More later.
> 
> Keep the faith!
> The Captain
> 
> PS: My dean still hasn't written back to me yet.  She still refuses to  
admit
> that there could have been a breach of confidentiality here, and just  
wants
> me to schedule an appointment with her.
> 
> 
> 
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