From: <oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #476
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 11:00:18 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:00 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #476

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    476
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:02 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-01

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who hears all, sees all, and knows all:
>
> We'd think you'd make a great President.  Whadda you say?
>
>                                            - Elyauq Nad

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Watch your back sonny boy.  Shub Egroeg wrote me last week
} saying I'd make a great Vice-President.  As for me, it's like I told
} Shub, I'm not interested.  I'm voting for Nworb Yhprum.
}
} You owe the Oracle a liberal Supreme Court.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:03 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-02

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose droppings fall upon we, your unwashed supplicants, who
> scoop them up proudly, mount them on driftwood and use them as
> centerpieces on religious holidays, tell me something...
>
> While preparing dinner some weeks ago, a potato rolled behind the
> refrigerator. Not wanting to interrupt my culinary endeavors I let it
> lie undisturbed, for a period of time many weeks in duration.  It's
> presence was hearkened to my memory when it I noticed the fridge
> hoisted up off the floor by a mass of sprouting potato eyes.  I thought
> this to be a fine chance to clean the back of the refrigerator, but
> they were having an order of Franciscan Transvestite Butchers on
> Geraldo, so I put it off.  That was two weeks ago.  Now I'm worried.
> The potato is gone, but so is the fridge.  Disturbingly, my car keys
> are also missing.  And I can't find the TV remote.  What the hell is
> going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take heed of my instructions.
}
} Leave your house immediately. Do not try to take anything with you.
} What you are experiencing is an attack by one of the most hideous
} monsters in the whole universe. You see many of our culinary habits are
} in fact the surviving remnants of ancient rituals. Many of these were
} genuinely superstitious nonsense, but the rituals associated with
} potato eating are not. They are necessary protection from the evil
} potatoes. The rituals of mashing, frying, boiling, crinkle-cutting etc.
} were all ancient rituals made by the Incas to fight the potatoes. What
} the Incas realised that we do not know is that when they emerge from
} the ground, potatoes are extremely cunning nocturnal spirits, much like
} vampires. When kept in a spot where they can be seen their activity is
} limited. They will only take small objects like coins, keys, pens etc.
} Fortunately, they are usually eaten before they can do much harm. The
} potatoes need these small objects so as to build up their strength. If
} a potato manages to escape it can do immense harm. It slowly graduates
} from keys, and pens to larger objects. It may go on to say fry pans.
} Then it may go on to vacuum cleaners. By the time it has reached this
} stage it has gained super human strength. This is what happened when
} you saw the eyes of the potato lift the fridge. Soon after it is able
} to actually eat the fridge as well. Having multiple eyes they know when
} you are around and will initially eat only when unseen. Your escaped
} potato ( and it is an escapee, it did not slip by accident ) has just
} now reached the stage where it will eat you and the house as well. So
} you must flee.
}
} You must go to Peru, gather together a few Incas go back home and
} perform the potato killing ritual. You must do this, because this
} potato has a diabolical mission. It has been chosen from amongst its
} entire race to inflict revenge upon Dan Quayle for the insult that he
} inflicted upon them. This has been widely interpreted as a spelling
} mistake, but in fact potatoes are in fact one of the 'liberal' and
} 'pinko' groups that have been targeted by the White House. Since they
} do not have the vote the potatoes are getting their revenge by sending
} this potato on a suicide mission to get Quayle. Eating your house is
} only a way of getting strength. It will then rampage across the United
} States and hunt Dan Quayle down.
}
} So remember Dan Quayle's life is in your hands. Only you can save him.
}
} You owe the Oracle a boiled potato.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:04 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-03

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, he that knows when his system will crash before it
> crashes and has everything backed up, he that was thinking about the
> next universe before this one was created, the only Oracle that humbles
> himself to answer my puny questions, answer me, if you will, my
> mysterious question:
>
> If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it (except you, of
> course), does it make a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me clarify something for you.  Trees are by nature, very noisy
} creatures. They just don't have much they want to say to your species
} anymore.  In the past they frequently would speak to your ancestors but
} now, well humans stopped listening so they stopped talking.  In fact
} they are shunning your kind altogether now.  When there are no humans
} around, they chatter fiercely but as soon as they detect your approach,
} they shut up.  It has a lot to do with you killing off their friends
} and relatives.
}
} As to the specifics of your query:
}
} Yes. In general they scream like Hell.  You see, it takes a substantial
} force to topple most mature trees, such as a bolt of lightning or a
} large meteor. As you can imagine, being struck by such would not be at
} all pleasant. However, if there are humans around, they just quietly
} endure their demise.
}
} They hate you that much.
}
} One quick note; occasionally a tree will still die of old age.  When
} that happens, it usually occurs while the tree is asleep.  In this
} event the tree makes no sound as it falls because it's already dead.
} This is a good thing too, because wouldn't it be awful to hear a once
} mighty Spruce whimpering something like, "I've fallen and I can't get
} up."
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oak to English dictionary.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:05 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-04

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh seer of the future! Oh keeper of the past! Oh omniscient knower of
> the present!
>
> What newsgroups would you read (other than rec.humor.oracle) if you
> read news (do you read news)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} login: tuo (HEHE NYUUUUK SNORT)
} password: lisa
}
} Gnunix SXR42.17
} Welcome to Foovax, o Pythian One.
}
} $
} --HEY, GORBLAT, HAVE A LOOK AT THIS!!!
} --WHAT IS IT, BIFF d00d?
} --I JUST HACKED INTO THE ORACLE!!!!
} --KOOL!!!!!!!! LETS SEE WAT NEWSGROOPS HE READS, LIKE SEX 1S! (SNORT)
} --NARLY IDEA, d00d!!
} $ type^H^H^H^H^Hcat <.newsrc |grep "sex"
} alt.sex.whippedcream:1-134876
} alt.sex.chocsyrup:1-343486
} alt.sex.llamas:1-3426
} alt.sex.wombats:1-5
} alt.sex.holdthewombats:1-3428790743650734650
} --LIKE TOTALY AWSOM!
} --WAT ELSE IS THERE???
} $ dir
} bin     pics     pics.naughty     pics.too.naughty     stuff.other
} xREADME
} $ typ^H^H^Hcat xREADME
} Hahaha!  You think you've hacked into the Usenet Oracle!  You're
} wrong.  I'm on to you, BIFF and GORBLAT!  You shall feel my wrath!
}
} T.U.O.
} --LOOKS SERIOUS, BIFF.
} --NEH, WAT KAN HE DOO FROM THERE?
} <ZOZOT>
} --UGH.
}
} They wanted to know.
}
} In answer to your question, no, supplicant, net.news would be a waste
} of time for me since I am, as you pointed out, an omniscient knower of
} the present and all that stuff.  Oh, I post something to the
} alt.sex.* groups now and then, just to keep things interesting, but
} all that usually accomplishes is a mess in some computer nerd's
} trousers and I'm trying to stop.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:07 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-05

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What if I fell in a forest -- would a tree hear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and it would laugh pretty hard, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good palindrome.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:08 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-06

Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>         What is the difference between a Rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Well, hardly enough groveling there, but, since it has nothing
}  to do with politicians, woodchucks, or Lisa, I'll take the time to
}  answer.
}
}         You ask, "What is the difference between a Rabbit?" Surely, not
}  not that?!? (Of course, me being the Oracle and all, I know what the
}  rest of the question would've been, but, so it does not get asked
}  again, let us answer a few possible questions...)
}
}  What is the difference between a Rabbit and a ...
}
}  Box of Wheat Thins: A Rabbit doesn't have the air of cardboard to it
}                      in such a degree as these wheat thingles do, but,
}                      I'm sure a rabbit couldn't stick to my mouth in
}                      this pleasurable fasion like these wheat thingles
}                      are doing!
}
}  A certain car of the same name: Actually, you'd probably get farther
}                                  with the living rabbit as
}                                  transportation, need I say more?
}
}  pen cap: Odviously, there's a little bit of a composition difference
}           here, thru a process of evolution and very embarrassing
}           mistakes, rabbits have grown to avoid wrapping themselves
}           around pens, thus not having the characteristic shape of a
}           pen cap, (which is incidentally one of the most annoying
}           shapes to get anything out of, once you drop it in...)
}
}  rabbit: Actually, I'm sure the poetic prospects here are way beyond
}          your level of comprehension, so, suffice it to say, you're
}          much too lively with a Shift key...
}
}  80586: Heh, well, the bunny might be faster, but it sure as hell won't
}         be any hotter...
}
}  bunny: Ah, the mystery that has haunted man for longer than the
}         missing socks in the dryer or the hilarious Car-Key Relocation
}         program, but, I reveal the true answer to you now... the
}         difference is... #%@#$$.. and th$#%for$@#4#@rfoir f39f#$ so,
}         you se9#  #$%*#!@$%, it's @#$%*@)# simple AcutA#%ly...
}
}  W!@#$hat t34t He2l??? Err... d@#4mn t458is wy8s9e...
}
}  (sizzle)
}
}  You owe the oracle a Terminal of the Gods.
}
}  -- AutoAnswer, V1.00   -> "Who, me, immortal? <-  Registered to: Orrie

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:09 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-07

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh dearest Oracle....whose wisdom is unequaled....and who has good
> taste in music...
> I need your help...
> What do you do about a man who has betrayed you....
>
> ----A desparate (but humble) woman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lock him outside naked in December in Quebec.
}
} You owe the Oracle his watch.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:10 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-08

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I-am-Locutus.-A-Borg.-Resistance-is-futile.-Your-life-as-it-has-
> been-is-over.-From-this-time-forward-you-will-service-us.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd take the time to talk you down, but fortunately there is
} another way.
}
} [The Oracle reaches under his desk, pushing Lisa aside, and pulls
} the plug on the Borg Empire.]
}
} They haven't paid their bills in months anyway. That'll free up
} enough power for a new Disney theme park!
}
} You owe the Oracle the salvage rights to your civilization.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:12 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-09

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle to whom nothing is impossible,
>
> can you create a boulder so large that even you cannot lift it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, your grovel states that I am all-powerful (which I am), yet
} your question seems to suppose that in some way, my powers are limited.
} Interesting problem... one posed to my good friend yhwh many years ago
} by a heretic priest.  The priest woke up the next morning as a locust.
} *I*, on the other hand, am not so emotion-driven as to become enraged
} and do something as silly.  But I digress.
}
} The answer to your question, humble supplicant, is in fact "I don't
} know." In all honesty, I've never bothered to try.  Boulders are for
} sissies.  I prefer "can you make a beer so large such that you cannot
} finish it."  If you're going to catch yourself in a paradoxical
} recursive limits-of-power problem, you might as well have some fun with
} it.  To make a boulder so large, etc.., I would need to create a
} boulder of infinite mass, or, since I in fact have infinite strength,
} the boulder would (necessarily) need to be of infinite mass, plus a
} little.  OK, now, to make such a boulder, I would either
}
} a) accelerate an ordinary boulder to a velocity *just* faster than the
}    speed of light.  The rock would now be sufficiently heavy, and I
}    could try to lift it.  However, as any good physicist will tell you,
}    it's darned hard to catch anything moving that fast, and, once
}    you've managed to get ahold of it, you will cause it to slow down
}    again (even very slightly, thus reducing its mass to something just
}    short of infinite, which is no challenge at all.  Alternatively I
}    could:
}
} b) gather all the matter in the Universe into a singularity, thus
}    producing an infintesimally small "boulder" of sorts, to which I
}    could apply my super-cosmic strength.  This seems the most feasible,
}    so I think I'll try that...
}
} [Sudden sound as if all the matter in the Universe was being squashed
}  into a singularity -- an infintesimally small "boulder", of sorts --
}  by some super-cosmic being]
}
} OK, now then, supplicant... supplicant?  Oops, forgot.  I squashed him.
}  Ah, such sacrifice in the name of knowledge!  OK, now... where's that
} point? Who turned out the lights, anyway?  Oops, forgot.  Squashed all
} the stars, too.  How am I going to find that point without light?
}
} LET THERE BE LIGHT
}
} [Sudden sound of a very big bang...]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 11:00:13 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #476-10

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       As the leap effect cleared, Sam found himself sitting back in a
> plush, cloud-like chair.  A gentle breeze was supplied by a scantily
> clad woman with a huge feathered fan.  Sitting to his right was another
> woman, who could only be described as a goddess, staring at him with
> breathless adoration and expectation.  "Orrie," she murmured, in a voice
> as sweet as melted butter, "the lowly supplicant is awaiting a
> response."
>       With a grating sound, the Imaging Chamber door opened and Al
> walked out, his jaw dropping as he caught sight of the goddess.  "Sam!"
> he exclaimed, "I can't believe it!  You've leaped into the Usenet
> Oracle." He pointed with his cigar and said, "THAT is the infamous
> Lisa." His eyes narrowed and he grumbled, "You lucky dog."
>       Sam scowled at the hologram and glanced at the piece of ancient
> parchment in his hand.  It read:
>       "Yo, Oracle!  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?  Hahahahahaha."
>       Sam slumped back in his chair and rubbed his forehead, moaning,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa notices Sam's/the Oracle's distress, and purrs "Oh, dear...
} *another* woodchuck question?  Here, let me help you forget *all* about
} those thankless supplicants..." [straddles his lap and begins massaging
} his temples] "...there now, isn't that better?" she coos softly...
}
} "Uh, Sam," Al interjects, "I hate to interrupt, but Ziggy says there's
} an 84 point oh-four chance that you're supposed to answer that
} question.  If you do, you should leap right outta here... Sam?"
}
} "...hmm?... oh... what do I have to do?" Sam mumbles, distracted.
}
} "ooh, nothing dear" lilts Lisa, "you just let me take charge this
} time..."
}
} "Uh, Sam" interrupts Al, "Ziggy now says that ...[poink! ptew!]... that
} you have to answer this question, else there will be a tremendous
} backlog on the Usenet, gradually filling up all available storgae space
} with unanswered questions.  You *have* to answer this one
} and...[staring at Lisa's undulating form]...and...and...[staring
} harder]...and...how does she hold that up, anyway?"
}
} "...I...I don't think there's any hurry, do... do you?" Sam asks as his
} head is cradled in Lisa's arms.
}
} "Oh, *no* darling," Lisa murmurs, "I can go as slow as you want..."
}
} [snapping back to the task at hand] "...well, I don't know Sam.  Ziggy
} says that if you back up the Usenet by not answering, you could cause
} the whole thing to crash unexpectedly...and...whSam?  SAM?"
}
} "...mmph...mm!...mmph fmmph..." mppmh's Sam as Lisa's strong yet gentle
} hands slowly glide dow^G
} ^G
} %SYS-BACKLOG-ERR: System malfunction - insufficient storage space
} %SYS-OVERFLW-TXT: Remainder of text deleted
} %SYS-SBACKUP-TXT: Backup of text stored in
} ORACLE$[SYS.SCRATCH]SCRATCH.TXT; ^G
} ^G
} %SYS-SCRATCH-DEL: Insufficient storage - SCRATCH files deleted
}
} ready
} ?>

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #476
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle