From: anon-1357@twwells.com (Silver Tiger)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Bad night, surprised me
Date: 24 Jan 93 22:20:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Hello everyone, especially Krikket and darkangel... I am beginning to 
understand why you want to cut, it makes a lot of sense logically even,
at least to a degree, since nobody will notice you hurting, notice the
abuse, if those scars vanished long ago, only leaving inside pain.  I
would love it if my pain could show as real wounds, then maybe my friends
would know that I am serious when I say I am depressed.    But I have
not cut yet (although I wrote about it in that story), and I send my
little bit of strength I have to you to help you not cut, and I hope that
others will learn so that we do not have to teach them our pain by hurting
ourselves more.

*SPOILERS* for my bad night last night are ahead


















I was up late on the net, and then I was thinking about a conversation I
had with my sisterinlaw, during which she put down my father, and caused
me to doubt him (my uncle was the perp, NOT my father or mother, although
I don't know if my father ever knew - mother stopped the abuse) and his
love.  So I phoned him (earlier) and talked, and realized that he just didn't
say "I love you" a lot, but there was love in his voice.  He just is older
and was taught to hide his emotions.  I learned that too, very useful after
being abused.  Hurt, me?  No, no , I cannot feel emotion so I will laugh
and make jokes, and forget the pain.  Until I hit University and can be
devastated by it.  Oh good choice. :<

Anyway, even thinking about doubting my father hurt, since I had already 
had my trust broken with my uncle.  I feel somewhat better now, but I must
learn to not take everything everyone else says as gospel.  I trust my own
opinions so little that if someone else says it, it seems to make sense.

I started to read Courage to Heal before sleep, thinking that it was a 
little "light reading" for some reason.  I must have needed it, and my
mind just told me it would be good to read, and soon I was crying as
I read.  However, the crying was very strange, how does everyone else cry?
I wanted to sob hugely and let the pain out, but for some reason all I could
manage was tortured gasps and kind of a whimpering (oh, really good image
for a tiger, maybe the old name is no longer so true as I'd like it to be)
(if it ever was), and it kind of reminded me of when I was little after the
abuse and I would lay in bed before sleep and cry... but Mom and Dad's room
was right next to mine, and I would try to be quiet and choke back the tears,
since I had already gotten Mom up twice to come and comfort me, and I knew she
was getting tired, and I really didn't have a reason for crying that she
could help with (no, no, the only thing that had happened was a wound to my
soul, which she told me to forget about, how could anyone bandage that?),
so I would cry into my pillow or force the fear and pain into a knot in
my stomach.  Anyway, after a while I got up and sat in my frontroom, 
holding a stuffed ALF doll and feeling like shit.  Then I remembered what
the Courage to Heal told me, and I decided to improvise.  I had ALF telling
me that I was not to blame, that he forgave me, that the child within me
was not to blame, that I was punishing her.  Somehow the ludicrousness of
having an ALF doll tell me all those things didn't register.  Then I took
the doll and cuddled it, and pretended it was my inner child, and told it
I would never let anyone hurt it again, that it was not to blame, that I 
loved it, and I just sat and hugged it for a while.  

I went to bed again, and for the first time in a long time I slept
with a stuffed animal.  As I went to click off the light, I realized that
every night when I turn the bedlamp off, I am overcome with fear until I
cover my head with the blankets.  It is like a race to get my head
covered before the room goes dark.  Then I realized, why do I do this?  I
could sleep with a light on if I wanted to! (When I was at home, up to age
...well, teenage years at least, I had an orange nightlight.)  I left my
bedside lamp on, and went to sleep.  Later on, I woke up and turned the lamp
off, but because I felt safe, not because I felt I couldn't sleep with a 
night light.  It is amazing what things you will realize don't have to
be done...

I also, regrettably, thought through a suicide scenario.  If I wanted to
commit suicide, I wouldn't want my friends to find me.  So, my plan is to
get a bus ticket to a place way north in Canada, then wander into the woods 
and kill myself there.  DEEP into the woods.  I started walking through
the scenario, and realized that if a friend of mine did that, I would try
to follow her and stop her.  I realized that if I thought I had any friends
at all, I would not be able to do it, since I would not want that done to me.
Besides, we all swore we would give warning to the other friends if we were
feeling that bad, and I wouldn't be able to face telling them that I was
going to kill myself.  And, thinking about it - EVERYONE, listen to this -
if you are going to kill yourself, everything must be horrible.  So, why
remove yourself from life?  Remove yourself from your situation.  I mean,
take a Visa or Mastercard (OF YOUR OWN) and fly to some far off country
and become a goatherd or something.  I mean, if you were going to die
anyway, big diff if you try this out and then kill yourself (if you still
want to).  We are convinced in our country that we are trapped here,
we must sit here and pay taxes, etc.  Not so.  Well, ok, I'm not sure
how many places there are that would allow a Canadian to just waltz in with
no questions asked, but I'm thinking a rural setting.  Kind of like going on
the lam.  If it is the last thing before suicide, it HAS to be better.
The thought of being able to escape the stress of modern life without
dying is comforting anyway.  Pfft, maybe I just long for a jungle to 
roar and leap through. :):)

I read asar for a while and I feel better.  All you new people, take care
of yourselves and everyone else on the net.  Richard R., your posts are
a good read, even if you do scare me sometimes. :):)

Silver Tiger

The tiger prefers to sleep with the overhead sun flowing over her 
fur, not in the cool dark cave with the moss and the unknown.



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