From: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Newsgroups: alt.flame
Subject: Re: I Badly Need Your Advice
Date: 27 Aug 92 19:49:56 GMT
Organization: Just Some Guy

In article <BtKpu5.A9F@rice.edu> andsol@owlnet.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg) writes:
>Oh, Golly!  Now what do I do?
>
>I took a shower (tee-hee!) without wearing my frilly bathing cap, and
>now my pointy little head is all wrinkly and prunelike!  Help me, Oh
>net.weasels, for I am in a DREADFUL bind!

	My guess is that you have made an errant inference.  I would expect
that the shower had nothing to do with it.

>
>Also: Can anybody tell me where I can post some good jokes?  Like, how
>about this one:  
>
>Q: What did the sheep say to the alt.flame crew?
>A: Die, Rat BAAAAAAAAAstard!

	How about this one, Andrew?

Q: What happens to alt.flame veterans after they are inactive for a while
   and return to find the group taken over by the "wacky gang of rebels"
   we see here today?
A: They lose it.

	Not very funny, eh?  Well, no indeedy, Andy.  It's not funny at all.
And neither are you, old bean.  You've obviously been presented with too much
free time, but you've chosen an AWFULLY lousy way of spending it.  How about
this for a zany, wacky, madcap idea?  Try slipping your brain out of that
neutral gear you've been stuck in and go get a bloody hobby.  Take up
bowling.  Take up painting.  Take up space.  ANYTHING but bandwidth, okay?

	Creativity is a wondrous thing.  We humans use it to express thoughtful
ideas, to produce inspired work, and a number of other things limited only by
one's imagination.  Unfortunately, your imagination seems to have passed the
way of your creativity and the way of the passenger pigeon: once voluminous,
fairly blotting out the sun with their great numbers, now completely gone
from the face of the earth.

	I realize that your feeble thought processes might need in excess
of 4 thousand amps to get jump-started, but here are some modest suggestions:

1) Start out slowly, like posting some nice grammar flames to a.f.spelling.
   Practice some more rudimentary insults there like "Those of us who have
   graduated from high school..." and "You stupid idiot."
2) Next, warm up to some elementary character assassination, like telling
   Ted Kaldis that you slept with his father, or Steve Chaney that Patrick
   was wrong to refer to his "fat black ass" when Chaney is clearly a "fat
   black assHOLE."
3) If you're still here at that point, I'm sure someone will have ignored
   you, but don't let that bother you.  If people ignore you, then YOU
   HAVE WON!  This is what makes Kevin Darcy and Steve Chaney such All-Star
   Flamers.

	But your best course of action, of course, is to just go the fuck
away.  You have used up whatever small talents you may have once had, and
are now just a dried-up husk, a parody of the old days.  At this point,
tradition would mandate that I drone on about your parents' dropping you
at birth, or your penis size, or your membership in the "Nancy Roolz the
Comic Strip Universe" fan club, or you sexual deviance, but truthfully,
I find that sort of thing awfully dull and prefer to leave it to people
like Mike Bur.

>
>HAW HAW HAW HAW <snort>.........

	Actually, I kinda liked the HAW HAWs.  Where is Bufalini, anyway?

>-- 
>Andrew Solberg          |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!" 
>Undying University Mooch|              Anon. Outraged British Woman
>andsol@owlnet.rice.edu  |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
>Phone:713-529-8627      |              Winston Churchill

--
Steve Buffum           | "Fuck it!  Let's get a case." -- Black Flag
swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu |