Newsgroups: soc.motss
From: dgilly@us.oracle.com (Daniel Gilly)
Subject: Letter from my father
Summary:   Father actively attempts to understand gay son
Organization: Oracle Corporation, Redwood Shores CA 94065
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 20:49:06 GMT
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              at Oracle Corporation.  The opinions expressed are those
              of the user and not necessarily those of Oracle.

Yesterday I received a long, surprisingly personal letter from my
father, who has recently returned from 5 months in Europe.  I 
thought I would share the relevant part of it, since
the topics raised might be of interest to many people here.

I admire his openness, his attempt to understand and deal with
the situations he presents.  He cannot accept everything that is
going on, but he is very measured in his reactions -- some of
which impress me and some of which fill me with amused
exasperation.

The letter came with 4 news clippings:

1)  A blurb from mid-October entitled, "Sacramento recognizes
    unmarried couples"
2)  A blurb about Paul Monette's new book, "Becoming a Man: Half
    a Life Story"  It is about growing up gay, and my father hints
    about it making a nice gift for him for the holidays.  [I'm impressed!]
3)  A blurb about Phyllis Schlafly's reaction to her son's being
    gay.
4)  An article about gay tourism in Ft. Lauderdale.  [Don't know
    why he sent this, really.]

As background, I should point out that my father -- a career
IBMer -- retired 5 years ago and is living in Florida.  The
first part of his letter (which I have omitted) reflects on his
recently turning 65 -- sort of reviewing how he felt at
different ages, and now afraid to fall into a rut or to enter
"the down slope and the world of Medicare."  I suspect this
relates to his concern for me and my future.

Here, then, is an excerpt of his letter, with my comments
(mostly my immediate reactions) in brackets and footnotes.
-----------------------------------------------------
I was very glad to hear you the other day and to learn that you
are enjoying California and your new surroundings and that you
and Bob take advantage of the offerings of the area.

I enclose several clippings.  For the one on Phyllis Schlafly, I
concur with her:  "My values have not changed, and I love my
kids."[1]  I attended last week a meeting of the PFLAG group [2]
(Parents and friends of lesbians and gays), a sort of AA
cathartic experience.  The twenty or so participants were mostly
parents of homosexual children.[3]  The meeting was in a Temple
in Boca Raton.  Personal feelings, early reactions of anger,
guilt, shame, acceptance, resignation, and a desire to
understand were expressed by most participants.  The next
meeting is in two weeks. [4]

[1:  Wow!  Uh, on second thought, pretty good -- considering.]
[2:  You've got to be kidding!  Audibly:  "Wow!"]
[3:  Did he think of himself as such a parent or as an outsider?]
[4:  Double wow!  But ... I wonder which of those feelings did he
     have himself?  Desire to understand, maybe?]

In the second clipping, you should be interested by the
recognition of unmarried couples in Sacramento.  It is funny how
the most pregnant questions can come from seemingly innocuous
discussions or events.  It happened while I was reading the
attached clipping.  The newspaper clipping brings to mind
several questions that you yourself may have yet to answer.  I
still believe that you are going through a phase, a period of
temporary aberration, [5] a passing fad, a new age experience,
a formative and worthwhile [6] aspect of growing up; but I have
been wrong before and still I am entitled to my opinion.
Therefore I don't suggest you officialize your relationship but
as I just said that clipping raises interesting questions. [7]

[5:  Oh, Jeez, not *that* old saw again!]
[6:  "new age", huh?  An amusing new spin.  And... *worthwhile* ??]
[7:  I wonder whether this is the first time he's encountered
     the growing trend of domestic partners?]

In my business life I remember having to establish my profile.
In any company there is always a picnic or some affair where
one's status in life does matter.  So I was established as
married, with children, and my comments and behaviour suggested
that mine was a steady and happy relationship and therefore I
was classified as a square family type.  The secretaries
immediately gave up on me so did the more ambitious females. [8]
What is your profile at work? in life? [9]

[8:  I always get a chuckle out of his use of "females."]
[9:  I feel free to be open about it.  Times have changed, Dad,
     at least in many high tech industries.]

I give a true but incomplete answer when I talk about my current
family:  "No my 3rd son is not married..." "... YET," I imply
by my silence.  [10]  I am lying by omission by not adding:
right now he is involved in a relationship with a very nice
gentleman and is very happy about it.  [11]  Mom may not realize
she is doing the same thing -- not really accepting fully your
current choice -- because I have never heard her admit to our
friends that her son was a homosexual.  So her frame of mind
that everything is OK as long as you are happy is a convenient
escape just as it is FOR ME.  [12]  When asked, should I
squarely fully describe your situation?  Outside of the meeting,
are the PFLAG members very open about their child?  I plan to
raise the subject.  [13]

[10:  With raised eyebrows:  Ver-ry inter-resting...  (I guess the
      modern comparison would be:  Things that make you go, "hmmmm".]
[11:  Even more interesting!  He likes us as individuals, but does
	  not like our relationship.]
[12:  A-ha!!  Very telling!  This is the first explicit confirmation
      of their denial.  "Confirmation of denial??"  You get the idea.]
[13:  Wow!  He is actively seeking answers, seeking to understand!]

[paragraph deleted]

If I am wrong and you feel that your current relationship is a
lifetime commitment, then the Sacramento clipping begs the
question:  are you operating as an official couple?  Namely:

1.  Daniel is accepted in his work environment and in his circle 
    of friends as part of a homosexual couple with the benefits and
    disadvantages it entails.
2.  [  same q for Bob ]
3.  Daniel and Bob are respective beneficiaries in case of death 
    as are spouses in a legally married couple ... etc.  ... etc.
4.  Daniel and Bob have a palimony agreement.  etc. ...  [14]

[14:  Hunh?  Is this typical, even for married couples?
I assume he means "dividing joint assets and possessions."]

[ rest of letter deleted ]
----------------   <end of excerpt> -----------------------------

To sum up, I'm amazed to hear that my father is attending PFLAG,
apparently on his own initiative.  More than a year after I came
out to my parents, my father is beginning to reconcile his feelings.

In general, I respect the tone his advice has.  He seems to be
saying, "Are you sure you're gay?  I hope not, but if so, then
be careful to consider a, b, and c."  This seems like an important
first step for him, and I have my work cut out for me in composing
a thoughtful, constructive reply.

I'd be happy to hear comments about the above, as well as other
people's experiences with their parents' coming to terms.