From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: memories of the not too distant past
Date: 2 Oct 92 22:05:43 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes



ANON-Name: Anika
ANON-Announce: yes


I'm not even going to bother testing to see if this works. Hope it does.

Formalities aside, I found this recently. I wrote it four years ago.
Don't know yet how it makes me feel. I'm better now, but it's still familiar.



**possible spoilers, good description of some bad feelings*****************




I walk across the campus hearing voices echoing through the still night air.
I'm breathing slowly, thinking of how good the cool, crisp air feels in my
lungs and in my throat, yet even as this becomes a conscious thought, the
enjoyment turns to fear as I feel the air suffocating me. oppressing me.
"My God," I think, "This is serious. I'm losing my mind." When control
returns, I'm still walking, I'm still alone. I'll always be alone. I can hear
the laughter of a girl, the yell of a guy, all in wisps of air traversing the
campus. I feel so apart from them. They have a direction and a goal and it
never occurs to them to think twice about it. How could they ever understand -
and why would they want to?
I walk by the school cafeteria. Inside the tablecloths are moving from the air
of the heater as though touched by invisible hands. There is motion here, yet
what person on this campus is thinking of this cafeteria whiole it's closed?
It's only purpose is to provide service for the students - yet it exists with
or without students in it. Now I understand why it feels so right - this
tablecloth moving in its solitude.
Where am I going? I've got nothing to do. I'm failing out of this school, but
I have nothing to do. Suddenly there's no sense in going any further. It's
fucking freezing out here but there's no place I'd rather be, so I stop and
sit down. The pavement is cold. I can feel it's coolness seeping through my
clothes until my legs and ass are numb. But there's still no place to go, so I
sit.
I hate it here, but there's no place in the world I'd rather be. I've known
that for two years now. And I wonder why I think I'm suffocating. I really
have no place here. I have no place anywhere. I feel like a freak of nature.
I'm already ahead of my years and yet emotionally I belong ahead of that - and
behind that - all at once. Where is my place? Parts and pieces of me fit
everywhere, but my whole being has no place in the world I see today. So why
is this the first time in my life I haven't been contemplating suicide with
every passing minute? Why don't I take the bridge? And suddenly it's real. I'm
climbing over the railing, and then I'm falling, falling. My stomach turns in
shock as I come back to my body with the frozen ass sitting on the pavement
going nowhere. "Is that it?" I wonder. "Is the reason I don't think about it
because I'm so close to it? Because it would be so easy and feel so right?"
I'm stunned at my discovery. My mind is whirling at the impact it has made.
"Hey there, Anika. Enjoying the pavement this evening?" I look up, still
terrifyingly disoriented and see the face of a friend of mine. I permit my
face to break into a happy grin as I respond. "As a matter of fact, yes I am.
An interesting view of the campus you get down here. As a matter of fact, I'm
trying to fulfill phys. ed. requirements by seeing how long my ass will
tolerate the cold. But don't tell - it's kind of a secret - the University
wouldn't approve." My friend laughs, having expected some odd answer from me.
Couldn't let down the fans, you know. "See you later!" I call to his receding
figure.
Anguish returns. Why didn't he ask? Why couldn't I plead for help? Is it
normal to find someone sitting alone on the pavement of the campus in the
middle of the night? Oh, God, HELP ME SOMEONE!
"Jesus get a hold of yourself. This is really out of character." My conscience
is hissing at me. This *is* insane.
I get up off the frozen ground and start to walk again. Looking around I
realize that my eyes are being fucked up again. Haloes around lights in every
color of the rainbow coming at me like a 3-D movie. It really screws up my
depth perception. Makes it feel like I'm walking in a surreal world. Perhpas I
am. I mean, surreal or not- it's all how you see it, and what one person sees
may not be what another person sees. Be honest. If everyone were to see the
world as I do, we'd be peeling people off the pavement underneath bridges
every day.
So I'm moving again. Here I am. Aimless. What fun. Doesn't this campus offer
anything to get a student's mind off of work? A movie. Ten o'clock. I glance
at my watch and I start to run, not wanting to miss it. Desperately not
wanting to miss it. There's a black lab puppy playing in the field next to me
and it passes through my mind how happy it looks. God, to be a puppy. Then I
remember - the movie is _My Life As a Dog_. How suitable. How fucking
suitable.
It's about a fucked up kid. Or maybe he's not really fucked up - just a little
confused. And everywhere he goes, people are grabbing him, hugging him,
letting him cry, protecting him. Why couldn't anyone protect me? It scares me
to discover that I wish I were a little kid again - only this time with loving
people to protect ME and hold ME and love ME.
Oh, Christ. Does it all come down to that? Childhood again? I'm going to have
to rewrite my entire life to become a real person if that's the way it is. I
don't have time for this. There's so much I wanted to do. "Yeah, and where is
all that now?" I wonder. How much farther can I go? My life is really slowing
down. It's stopping. The chains around my ankles are getting pretty
oppressive. So what happens now?
The movie's over. I want to run. I want to crawl. I want to cry. I wish
somebody would just hold me and let me cry. Someone whom I love - do I love
anybody?? 
I think of the future, what it holds. What will I be doing? Nothing. Not a
damned thing. I can't really picture myself being happy. I can't see myself as
a success. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to again. That's the way it goes. On
and off with life. Yet today never gets me any closer. I'm stuck. I'm at a
standstill. It's done. This hollow shell I call my life.
I laugh now. One of those situations where you laugh or you cry. Those
situations have been coming a lot recently. My laughter is getting maniacal -
a touch of anger to it. I turn to my invisible audience and shrug. What am I
to do? A grin. The audience loves it.
I'm still walking. It's colder now. The wind's picked up. I wrap my coat
around me and head back to where I came from No progression for today. Today
is over. And tomorrow is another today.



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