From: anon-1531@twwells.com (Stella Rico)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: healthy and normal
Date: 4 Jan 93 02:13:04 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


   ******  Not entirely a SPOILER but somewhat graphic sexually  ******
   ******  entirely non-violent, and the graphic stuff comes at the end 
   ******  after another warning.  ************************************


>As someone who was abused and has remembered and dealt with some of the
>issues surrounding my abuse, I still have one basic question that I am
>very unsure of.  Will I *ever* have a healthy sex life?  Or, do I have
>one already?  (Do I sound confused?  Well, I am.)
 
  I've been confused by this one myself.  And the answer depends on who you 
ask.  _I_ think your sex life is healthy if it is fulfilling to you and it is 
not in any way harmful to you or to your partner/s.

>My sexual mind is filled with all manner of Sado-masochistic fantasies
>that mostly prevent me from making love and feeling tender and close.

  That doesn't sound like it is 'healthy' from the above definition, because 
you don't sound happy about this.  From what I understand about survivors, it 
is fairly 'normal' though.  Do you want to feel tender and close, but can't?  
Have you never become aroused without your fantasies?  If either of those is a 
yes, you probably have a few issues yet to address.

>My fiancee after my divorce helped me while I figured out the abuse 
>and was able to share some of the fantasies with me and even act some 
>of them out.  I still felt perverted and that she somehow was perverted 
>herself for being able to do some of the things we did.  She died in 
>a car accident three months before we were to be married and I've felt  
>even more screwed up ever since.  Sort of like this was the punishment
>I deserved.  I was driving and it was my fault the accident happened.

  Don't forget that you were very lucky to know her while you did, and that 
she obviously truly cared for you.  No matter who you are and what you have 
done or thought, you deserve happiness.  Every living being does.  And bad 
things happen, no matter what we do.  You are not being punished, even though 
it is easy to feel that way.  

>The woman I'm seeing now views these fantasies as symptomatic of the 
>abuse and is reluctant to act more than the mildest ones out.  She is
>tender and sweet and I love her deeply, but I feel like I'm cheating 
>when I don't get aroused by her and need all these "perverted" ideas
>to get me going.

  First, she is probably right.  That should not surprise you too much.  
Second, if she is not comfortable with something, do NOT force her or 
manipulate her into doing it.  That is not fair, and is abusive to her.  
Third, spending time feeling guilty for your feelings and desires is NOT going 
to help anything.  Admit what is and make peace with it first, then think 
about what to do next.  Would you like to feel differently?  Would you like to 
be aroused by conventional things?  Would you feel incomplete being sexual 
without your fantasies?  You may find that you get a lot from your fantasies.  
You may really like feeling powerful or strong or get a thrill out of being 
'bad' or defiant.  Figure out what these fantasies really mean to you.  That 
will give you a better idea of whether or not you want to keep them.

******   Here comes the stuff some may find offensive, but it is non-violent 
****************************************************************************














>What is normal *healthy* sex supposed to be?  Is it possible to have
>after being abused as a child?  Will I ever feel aroused and tender
>at the same time with my lover?
 
  Normal is what works for you.  You define it for yourself.  For me it is 
pretty unconventional but I'm very happy with my definition.  I have been 
abused, and when I was young, my sexual self was mean, powerful, and 
destructive.  I was first hurt by a cousin when I was a child.  I can't 
remember 15 years of my life.  I do remember being in an incredibly violent 
relationship as a young adult.  The relationship was not violent but the sex 
was.  It got scarier and scarier until it was very dangerous.  I got so 
disgusted with myself that I became asexual.  I was not active for a long 
time.

  After 15 years or so of therapy, and other stuff for my head, I now have 
found a sexuality that is very pleasing to me.  It is pretty darned 'normal'
by any definition when I am with my boyfriend, not at all violent and very 
tender and caring.  I get aroused in about 15 seconds, just from his touch and 
the way he holds me.  Sex is very playful and relaxing.  But when I am with my 
female lover, it is even more gentle.  I touch her like she is a fragile doll 
and I am very tender and soft with her.  Sometimes I am overcome and I cry as 
I hold her because I just want to make her so happy because she is so sweet 
and kind and beautiful.  When we are all together sex is very lustful and 
exciting and playful.  We all do crazy things but none of it is scary or 
violent.  Sometimes her husband joins us and it is the same way, wild but not 
scary, just fun.  So that is an example of a sex life _I_ think is normal and 
healthy.  Maybe some others would disagree.  So I think you just have to 
decide for yourself what feels right for you.

  Best wishes,
  Stella



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