From: an3116@anon.penet.fi (Guile)
Subject: Questions...
X-Anonymously-To: alt.polyamory
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 20:54:57 GMT

I had to wait to post again until I had time to figure out
anon.penet.fi.  Last time I posted, it got back to work and caused a
bit of a fuss.

Well, let's see... how do I start.  My wife and I believe in
polyamory.  We think it is a goodness.  Any limits are just that:
"limiting".  Okay.  The other week, she ran into a guy she knew in high
school and college.  She's had a brief unresolved romantic thing with
him in college.  She's always found him attractive.

Fine, I can handle that.  I encourage her to see him again.  She's
worried he'll flip out when he finds out she's poly.  She wants to see
him alone.  This confuses me a little.

My feelings are different.  I can't imagine meeting anyone that I
wouldn't want to meet my wife and share time together with all three.

She's also frightened about what it means for her to feel like she's
falling in love with this guy.  She's worried that it means something
is lacking in our relationship, though she cannot think of anything
that is.  She said she's also afraid of finding out that even though I
say it's okay, that I really don't mean it.  We discussed that.  I said
that even if at some point I did decide I couldn't handle it, what
would that mean?  She said that it would mean I didn't accept her the
way she was and that something would be wrong with her.  I said that I
thought it had nothing to do with her, but that it would be MY
problem.

She's been seeing a counselor, trying to resolve some irrational
fears.  They discussed the situation.  He wondered if this wasn't a
very dangerous situation for our relationship.  We don't FEEL in
danger.  I don't FEEL threatened or insecure, though hearing what he'd
said to her certainly made me reexamine my feelings.

Until our long heart-to-heart last night, she'd been feeling obsessive
about seeing this guy, though she's really scared that he'll freak out
and disappear.  He did mention that he thought he was falling in love
with someone else he'd met.

My feelings differ from hers in two significant ways:

1) I don't expect to "fall" in love again.  It seems immature compared
to the kind of love I experience now.  I've come a LONG way to get
here.  I'm not sure of how to explain this, but I am sure that many of
you will understand.  I skip the "falling" part now.  I just love
someone for who they are.  Someone opens up to me, and I can love them
for the person I see/know.  The romantic stuff seems like "puppy-love"
to me now.

2) As I said before, the idea of exclusivity doesn't appeal to me.  I
want to love and be loved and share love with everyone I love.  (Geez,
do I sound like a flower-child, or what?)

What do all you folks have to say/think about this.  Admitedly, we've
mostly talked the talk, not walked the walk.  We did have one casual
sort of thing a year or two ago involving another woman.  It was hard
at first, but ended up being a strengthening experience.

Oh, and let me explain as best I can why I'm not threatened.  I trust
my wife's judgement.  Neither of us can imagine finding anything
outside our relationship that would cause us to not return.  I'm a very
special man, and she'll never find anyone like me.  And I feel the same
way about her.

Her counselor said that we are all insecure to some degree and we need
to feel secure in our relationships.  I don't see how anyone can feel
secure in a relationship that is bound by limiting rules.  I can only
feel secure in a relationship that is natural, that is, two healthy
individuals who decide to be together because it brings them joy and
happiness and sex and love and bliss.  How could you feel secure
knowing that someone was following rules and not their heart?
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