From: jpr1@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (James P. Reynolds)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Raising Street-Smart Kids (400 lines, 22K)
Date: 6 Jan 93 01:47:57 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

This is a posting of the misc.kids FAQ entitled "Raising Street-Smart Kids."

I am posting this to get one last round of commentary and ideas from the
newsgroup readers.  This FAQ has undergone considerable change in the last
month or so, so I am also posting it for the benefit of those who got earlier,
inferior versions.

This is long - about 400 lines.  Better jump out now if you don't feel like
plowing through it!   :-)

Jim Reynolds  ---   jpr1@lehigh.edu


                    Misc.kids Frequently Asked Questions
                        Raising Street-Smart Kids

=====================================================================
Collection maintained by:   Jim Reynolds   jpr1@lehigh.edu
Last updated: 12/18/92

To contribute to this collection, please send e-mail to the address
given above, and ask me to add your comments to the FAQ file on
this subject.  Please try to be as concise as possible, as
these FAQ files tend to be quite long as it is.  And, unless
otherwise requested, your name and e-mail address will remain in the
file, so that interested readers may follow-up directly for more
information/discussion.

For a list of other FAQ topics, write to: Diane Lin, dlin@weber.ucsd.edu
  or tune in to misc.kids.
=====================================================================

(They make me put that header at the top of the file.  Now here's the FAQ. -JR)


Raising Street-Smart Kids, and Protecting Children from Molestation
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Update:  12/18/92


More ideas are certainly welcomed.  Just drop me a note and I'll do the rest.
Your tip can be made available to the thousands of misc.kids readers, all
potential victims of this horrible kind of crime.  Please help out if you can.

Significant contributions to this file were made by:  Laurie Alden, Judy Leedom
     Tyrer, Susan Gauch, Kathy Cousins, Erik Lode, and Jennifer Schlickbernd.
     Thanks to all for helping with this!

Jim Reynolds      jpr1@lehigh.edu

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Each year in the United States, between 1.3 million and 1.8 million children
are reported missing.  These children may be kidnapped, lost, runaways; some
are taken by a noncustodial parent.  Still others disappear with few clues as
to the reason.

The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) points out that,
in many cases, an abductor is not a stranger to the child.  So, while the
warning to "stay away from strangers" is good advice, it provides very limited
protection.  Children are more often abducted or exploited by people who some
type of familiarity with them, but who may not be known to the parents.  NCMEC
explains that the term "stranger" misleads children into believing that they
should only be aware of individuals who have an unusual or slovenly appearance.
Instead, it is more appropriate to teach children to watch out for certain
situations or actions, rather than certain kinds of individuals.

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Ideas About Cars
----------------

A very good step you can take towards raising a street-smart child is to make
children less vulnerable to abduction with a car.  It pays to teach kids to
be wary of getting into anyone else's car but yours.

If the child is approached by someone in a vehicle, have the child turn around
and run opposite the car.  It's easier for the child to turn around than it is
for an abductor to turn a car around.  U-turning would also attract attention.
Warn your children that someone might try to coax them into a car by telling
them that mom or dad is in trouble.  Another common ploy is to ask a child to
help look for a "lost puppy" or something similar.  Tell them never to obey
such instructions; that they should go to somewhere where there are people,
such as school, a store, etc., and ask for help.

Tell them that adults should be asking other adults for directions, not
children.  If someone stops to do so (or for any other reason) they should not
go near the car.  Tell them not to try to hide from such a person behind bushes
and such; it's better to try to run away.  Teach them not to talk to anyone
inside the car.

Tell your children never to hitchhike.  Also, never to get into any car without
your prior permission.  This includes accepting rides home from school.  You
might want to make rules about exactly which cars your children are allowed to
ride in, and that they shouldn't get into any other car without your prior
permission.  This goes not only for strangers, but other adults you or the
children know - most molesters and abductors are people known to the child.
Relatively few are strangers.

If your children walk home from school, have them walk with other children if
possible.  A child is vulnerable when alone.

If the child must run to get away - not just from someone in a car but also in
general - tell them to drop whatever they are carrying as they start to run
(especially book bags and such).  The weight and bulk make it much harder for
the child to escape.  This is particularly important if you have admonished
the child not to lose his/her raincoat, books, etc. or not to leave them
anywhere.  If they must run away, it's a good idea to run screaming.

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General Ideas
-------------

Tell them to tell you if anyone asks them to keep a secret.  This is one of the
most important points you can make towards stopping molesting ... breaking the
silence.  You might want to repeat this point every so often.

Teach them to avoid adults who are waiting or loitering around a playground,
particularly an adult who wants to play with them and their friends.

Don't give them shirts or items of clothing with their names on them.  It
allows strangers to trick children into thinking they know them ("Don't you
recognize me, Katy?").

Make sure children know they can tell an adult "no" if they are asked to do
something wrong.  This goes for other children as well (it can help kids deal
with peer pressure).  A molester's ideal victim is a child who accepts all
an adult says or orders without question, and keeps secrets when told.

Spread the word to adults that concealing or failing to report information
about known molestation is a felony in all 50 states.

Be aware that some molesters tell children that they are doctors in order to
get children to allow them to touch them.  Also, they can dress like police
officers.  (Many schools have "Officer Friendly" type police programs that
teach children to respect and trust people who look like police officers.)

Tell them never to give their names out over the phone, or admit they are home
alone.  Alternatively, with very young children you can get a phone with a
ringer switch, and leave the ringer off when they will be home alone.

When children are old enough to be competent with the phone, make sure they
know how to use 911, make a collect call, know several different phone numbers
for help (yours, the neighbor's, the day care center, etc.), and can get an
operator.  Make sure they can do this on a pay phone as well as yours.

Tell them never to answer the door when they are home alone.  Remind your child
to talk through a door or window to anyone delivering a package, and to tell
the person to leave the package at the door.

Tell them never to go into anyone's home without your permission.  You might
want to teach them whose homes they are allowed to enter.  Victims of sexual
abuse are often abused by neighbors or other adults the family knows and
trusts.

Tell them to come home before dark.  And in general, to avoid strange dark or
abandoned places.

Make sure any children whom you let out of your supervision at any time know
their first name, last name, address, phone number, and parents' first names,
and how to spell all of that.

Teach them the proper names for "private parts" such as nipples and breasts,
penis, vagina, etc. and make sure children are comfortable talking about
them to you.  Use proper terms instead of vague ones when you talk about them.

I've heard some people say that one quarter to one third of all rape victims
are under 18 years of age.  Women age 13 to 18 are vulnerable to abduction
from shopping mall parking lots and such.  Begin educating your daughters
about rape early.  (This advice could have avoided at least two nasty incidents
that I know of.)  Stranger rapes usually don't happen at the site of attack;
the rapists take victims to "secondary crime scenes" where the actual rape
happens.  Police departments often recommend that women use any means they can,
including physical struggling and trying to break and run away from attackers
armed with guns - to try to stop anyone from taking them to a secondary crime
scene.  If he wants to take her purse and necklace, he's going to do it right
then and there.  If he wants to force her into a car or into an empty
storeroom, she's probably at least going to get raped (and possibly killed).
If he's going to shoot at her for trying to get away, he's certainly going to
finish her off after the rape is done in order to avoid being identified.

Teach your children never to loiter in parking lots, particularly after dark.

Tell children that absolutely no one may kiss or hug them if they don't want
to.  Your relatives will probably not like this, but keep in mind that many
sexual abuse victims are abused by relatives.  You may feel it important to
impress upon the child that s/he does not have to hug or kiss someone simply
because s/he is a relative.

Teach them to always tell you if someone offers them gifts or money or wants
to take their picture.

Keep in mind that the most common molester is a relative, and the most common
abductor is a non-custodial parent.  Most molesters are either trusted family
friends, relatives, or other children the family knows.  Relatively few are
strangers.  Make sure children know that "bad" touching doesn't have to be done
by a stranger.  This is why I gave all that advice at the beginning about being
careful which cars or houses your children are allowed into.  Giving them a
ride home from school or from the mall or something similar is a perfect way
for a molester or rapist to get your children into a car to take them to a
secondary crime scene, or abduct them.  Once the child is in the car, the
abductor or molester has much more control over the situation than before.

Make sure they know that "bad" touching can be done by another child as well as
by an adult (it is not at all uncommon to find ten, eleven, and twelve year old
molesters committing sex crimes in school bathrooms and such).  Children are
known to commit the same full range of sexual crimes that adults do.  Tell them
that they should tell you if a peer is bullying them or touching them in a way
that makes them uncomfortable.  The "dirty old man" stereotype of molesters is
one you should discard immediately if you haven't already done so.  More often
than not molesters are young, often high school age or younger.  Beware a child
who plays mostly with much younger children, and doesn't get along well with
children his/her own age.  And ask your children who the bullies are in their
school, who gets bullied, and what is done.  There is a lot of denial out there
about violence among children, that "kids will be kids" and that the problem
isn't to be taken seriously.  But children can be very cruel to each other.

Obviously, tell them that it's not their fault if they are touched in a "bad"
way, and that they should tell you if that happens.

Tell them that you and/or the police will protect them against a molester who
has threatened to kill them if they "talk."

Make sure they know what to do if they get lost in a shopping mall/grocery
store/etc.  You may let them go to another woman with small children for help
if they can't find a security guard.  This might be phrased as "what happens
if Mommy gets lost in the mall" or something similar.

(Here is another way the above advice was phrased.  -JR)
(Tell them) "Never to look for you if he becomes separated from you while
shopping or in a public place.  Instead, to go to the nearest checkout counter,
security office, or lost and found, and tell the person in charge that he has
lost his mom or dad and needs help in finding them.  And he should never go to
a parking lot without you."

Discuss the idea that a stranger is someone they don't know even if the
stranger says s/he knows them.

Playing "what if" games with children can sharpen their skills in dealing with
threatening situations.  "What happens if someone tries to touch your penis?"
"What happens if someone wants to take you home from school?"

"Some good questions to ask children who are old enough to be verbal would be
things like "what does your babysitter/soccer coach/day care person/whatever
do when children misbehave?""

Teach them several different routes to get home from school/Becky's house/etc.
In general, make sure they know the streets, street names, etc. in your area.

Tell them always to inform you about where they are.  If someone wants to take
them anywhere not planned they must ask you first.

Tell them not to take candy, cookies, etc. from strangers.  Check through
Halloween candy and such before allowing children to eat it.

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Ideas for distinguishing between "good" and "bad" touching
----------------------------------------------------------

Tell them that no one can touch anywhere that would be covered by a bathing
suit, except you and maybe the doctor (but beware, many molesters try to pose
as doctors).  Also tell them that they should not touch anyone in those areas
either.  Explain that those parts of the body are special and private.

"Our son's preschool had someone come to the school and talk about good
touches and bad touches.  They were also learning that green means go
and red means stop at that time.  So they were given pictures of "good"
touches and "bad" touches (with bad touches being where your bathing
suit covers) and colored the good ones green and the bad ones red.  My son
was only three years old, but he really seemed to comprehend the concept."

"Some children may understand better one simple rule--good touching feels
good, bad touching feels bad.  This would also cover someone massaging a
boy's breasts (chest?) or sticking his/her tongue in a child's navel--there
are some pretty weird people out there.  Children can tell when something
doesn't feel right.  When I'm talking about this to children, I demonstrate
by standing on the child's foot (not with my full weight).  I don't need
to tell them that what I'm doing is bad and they have the right to tell me
to stop.  (I usually don't stop when they tell me the first time--I first
use all the "I'm the adult, so this is O.K." type excuses, but the kids can
see right through that--which is exactly the point I'm making.  Sometimes
I let them slug me to get me off, and explain that doing so is O.K. if
that's what it takes to protect them.)"

(Any other ideas on this?  Send them to me.  -JR)

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Talking To Strangers?
---------------------

Because there are differences of opinion about whether and when to let children
talk to strangers, here are a couple of opinions.  Which one you use might
depend on the child's age.

1.  Not under any circumstances:  "Allow no dialogue between a stranger and
    your child.  I don't care what he says, or how he opens the conversation,
    you allow no dialogue at all between a strange adult and your child.  The
    adult will always win.  Always!  Always win!  You can't take that chance
    with your kid."

2.  Code Words:  "Use a code word.  Have the child come up with a secret word
    that is known only two him/her and the parents.  The child shouldn't go
    anywhere with anyone who doesn't know the code word, and shouldn't reveal
    the code word to anyone."  "However, you MUST keep checking to see if
    everyone still remember "the" word."

3.  (The) "rule should apply to strangers who are older children as well, as
    a ten-year-old may think "this person is a high school kid, s/he doesn't
    count as a stranger because s/he is not an adult."

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The Three Molestation Scenarios
-------------------------------

1.  Intra-family

"This is the most common.  The perpetrator is a family member, as is/are the
victim/s.  The abuse often occurs for many years, the perpetrator usually
molests only one or two family members, and the victims are typically girls.
(However, it's not uncommon for both brothers and sisters to fall victim.)
The victims hold the secret because the perpetrator is a family member,
and they may be afraid to break up the family (or from direct threats)."

2.  Position of trust

"This happens less often, but each perpetrator typically molests many, many
children (80+ is about average per molester).  The abuse of any particular
victim usually doesn't last as long as in scenario 1, as the molester's
relationship to the victim (Den mother, soccer coach, babysitter, nice lady
down the street, etc.) isn't as stable and long-lived as a family setting.
The victims are more often boys, as boys are typically raised not to complain
about being hurt, and society tends to be less protective of them."

"These perpetrators are "pros."  They can spot their next victim easily.
They look for kids who are lonely and want attention, perhaps spend a lot
of time alone, and can keep secrets.  (There are lots of interviews of
perpetrators available, telling how they choose their victims.)  The
perpetrators build a strong emotional bond between them and their victims,
and the victims keep the secret because of the bond (or from direct threats)."

3.  Abduction by a stranger

"This scenario is much rarer than the other two.  Essentially, the
perpetrator abducts and molests the victim.  I don't have data on whether
boys or girls more often fall victim to this one because of its relative
rarity.  Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for the perpetrator to kill the
victims afterwards.  In these cases the victims usually don't keep the
secret, but the perpetrator is usually long gone by the time the authorities
get all the information."

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Books, Videos, and Other References
-----------------------------------

"How To Raise a Street-Smart Child."  Video; produced by HBO and narrated by
Daniel J. Travanti.  Is shown on HBO every so often.

"The Childwise Catalog."  A book which contains much information about
children's products and services, parent resources, etc.  Has a Missing
Children chapter.

"Street Smarts - How To Avoid Being a Victim."  Monologue by Chicago police
detective J.J. Bittenbinder.  Video; cassette and text transcripts were also
available from PBS.  (KERA Dallas/Ft. Worth, air date 3/1/92)  Mostly for
adults but will apply to older children as well.  A sequel to this is in the
works, tentatively entitled "Street Smarts for Young People."

"The Truth About Self-Defense," book, by Massad Ayoob.  Available from the
Police Bookshelf, Concord, NH.

"Too Smart for Strangers," video, with Winnie the Pooh characters doing the
demonstrations.  Made by Disney; I've heard it's available at some libraries.

"Monsters Among Us," episode of the PBS series "Frontline."  Deals with child
molestation by looking at perpetrators and points out that even those who are
caught molesting children aren't necessarily punished.

(If anyone can recommend other good books, videos, etc. please do.  -JR)

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Caveats to this advice, and other general remarks
-------------------------------------------------

First, I make no claim that this advice, or indeed ANY one set of advice, will
make your children safe in every situation.  There are no absolutes in self-
defense.  If you do see something genuinely counterproductive here, however,
then I'll certainly appreciate your input.  I'm sure you could come up with
many situations where a piece of advice won't help or is counterproductive.
Good common sense and practice are really the only two things that are going
to help when all is said and done.  There is always an element of chance in
this; you can do the "right" things and still end up a victim.

Second, I'm not trying to "blame the victim" by making anyone feel responsible
for her/his victimization.  When distributing self-defense advice in the past
I've been accused of this ... the usual line is "you're making them feel like
they didn't do enough to protect themselves" or somesuch.  There is an
important if subtle difference between telling someone how they might take
reasonable precautions for their own safety, and telling someone they are
responsible for the crime that happened to them.

Third, raising kids who recognize and deal with threatening situations well
is a constant process that starts very young and continues to adulthood.
You'll have to start simple when children are young and teach them more as they
are more able to understand more.  There is a lot more advice here than many
kids will be able to handle; you might have to make decisions about what to
teach now and what to leave unil the kids are older.  And the more street smart
you make yourself, the more you'll be passing your knowledge on to them.  Stay
on the lookout for good tips, and opportunities to teach them.  Just a couple
of conversations won't do it.

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(End of FAQ.    -JR)


-- 
James P. Reynolds       (that's Jim to you and me.)     jpr1@lehigh.edu
     Lehigh University Materials Science Rules          jreynolds@igc.org
Newsgroups: misc.kids