From: andsol@owlnet.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg)
Subject: The Solberg System
Organization: Rice University
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 04:13:52 GMT

What makes a good flame?  What makes a bad flame?  Why are so many bad flamers
college undergraduates?

These are important questions.  They are also difficult to answer.  How can
one possibly evaluate the quality of a flame or flamer when one person's 
opinion of 'good' differs substantially from that of another person's?

It's actually quite easy.  Use the Solberg System!

So: how does Andrew J. Solberg, Alt.Flame Doberman, judge the [un]worth of
the average alt.flame posting?  He rates it in the following categories:

     * Crassness
     * Rudeness
     * Creativity
     * Shock Value
     * Panache

But what do all these things mean?  Let's take a closer look.....

CRASSNESS

     The bread-and-butter of a good flame is its crassness coefficient.
     The basis of quality abuse is the ability to force the subject (read:
     victim) to view him- or herself in the mirror of introspection, and
     thereby set off on the long and tortuous road to self-loathing.  
      
     Crassness can manifest itself in many ways.  Personal gibes and taunts,
     for instance, are a common way to worm your proboscis into the subject's
     thick, blubbery hide.  Crassness can also be represented by a fresh
     viewpoint or a crushing rejoinder to a particular assertion.  The point
     here is to place your unfortunate subject into the Meat-Grinder of 
     Witticism and crush until you can crush no more.


RUDENESS

     Rudeness is *not* crassness!  Never make this simple error.  Crassness
     is the characteristic of a post that displays your brutality and 
     intellect.  Rudeness is the attribute that drives the point home.

     Example: all the insults in the world, no matter how cunningly crafted
     or brilliantly conceived, will not perturb even the most sensitive of
     dweebs if you are incapable of making it personal.  Your crassness
     and rudeness must work hand-in-hand, like hound and hunter, to bring
     the beast to bay and remove its head and genitals.

CREATIVITY

     Flames which cover old ground and rehash the tired and cliched are not
     worth the virtual paper they aren't printed on.  Every flame must
     contain some element of the extraordinary and unusual if it is to earn
     good marks in this particular category.  Simple rejoinders and jabs are
     not creative, although they can be used to great effect within a creative
     post.  See the distinction?  

SHOCK VALUE

     Flames are ineffective if nobody reads them.  Getting somebody to read
     your post requires something to jar the average alt.flamer from his
     autistic stupor and into your pocket.  This can be as simple as a nasty
     subject line or as complex as a series of devilishly-clever hate-letters.
     The sky's the limit here.

PANACHE

     If you need this described to you, you ought to leave this newsgroup.
     Panache is Chutzpah, it is Cajones, it is Pizzazz.  It is style and
     craftsmanship.  In short, it is the glue that binds it all together,
     provided the underclassment haven't inhaled it all.  True Panache is
     a quality that must be worked for to be achieved -- often at the expense
     of your divine soul......


HOW DO YOU RATE?

CRASSNESS:   10     You get more Tang than the Apollo Missions.
              9     1st Order Villain.  HULK SMASH!!
              8     I felt a brief stirring in my loins.
              7     Above average.  You must have a pulse.
              6     Only so-so.  Go West, Young Bastard.
              5     Yawn.
              4     .....eh?  Somebody say something?
              3     Masturbate less.
              2     Clueless newbie.  Voided your own bowels while posting.
              1     Less than zero.  DIE RAT BASTARD.

RUDENESS:    10     "...so, Watson -- what can we conclude from these ashes?"
              9     OUCH!  EEP!  MOMMY!!
              8     Okay, take it easy.....the police are on their way....
              7     Flesh wound.  Find a pressure point and call me in the AM.
              6     I hear ya knockin', but ya can't come in....
              5     "B-5." "Sploosh!"
              4     LOSER.  Spank yourself.
              3     .....I don't get it.
              2      <scornful silence>
              1     *PLONK*

CREATIVITY:  10     "HA-HA-HA-HA!  Igor!  It is....ALIVE!!!"
              9     A Masterpiece.  Cut off your ear and send it to me.
              8     We're not in Hoboken anymore....
              7     "Refreshing....Vital.....I came in my jeans...."
              6     The needle twitched a little, I think.
              5     No.  Just no.
              4     Go get reprogrammed, autophobic clone of Lesser Beings.
              3     "....a flat, silty taste with a caustic afterburn.  Zero."
              2     Wait -- didn't I see this in an old CHiP's episode?
              1     Kevin McBride, I presume.

SHOCK VALUE: 10     "Clear!.....<zot!>"
              9     "They pelted us with rocks and garbage...."
              8     Hello -- Coffee Time!
              7     The Elder Gods are now watching.  Do not disappoint them.
              6     Oh, What *NOW* ?!
              5     ...zzzzzzzzz...mmmph! Mmph....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
              4     ....huh?
              3                 <DID>
              2                 <NOT>
              1                <NOTICE>

PANACHE:     10     Weasel Boy!  You have returned to us!!
              9     "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine, Lone Star..."
              8     You loom large in the Halls of Heroes.
              7     Such wit! such elan! such lack-of-better-things-to-do!
              6     Tepid.  Lukewarm, maybe.
              5     Wannabe Double-fisted Pervert.  Back to talk.dork with you.
              4     Hard to type with your fingers jammed in your nose, no?
              3     Pure, undilute, electronic SMEGMA.
              2     Newsgroups: alt.flame, k12.<all>
              1     OK, who left their terminal logged in?!
-- 
Andrew Solberg          |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!" 
Undying University Mooch|              Anon. Outraged British Woman
andsol@owlnet.rice.edu  |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
Phone:713-529-8627      |              Winston Churchill

			
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