From: lana@magenta.corp.sgi.com (Lana Mountford)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: "want" vs "need"
Date: 3 Sep 92 17:50:06 GMT
Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc.

In article <5069@news.duke.edu>, diamond@acpub.duke.edu (Elizabeth Abrams) writes:
|> 
|> Well, what about "I need a signficant other in order to be happy?" Does
|> that count?  
|> 
|> Trygve, Lana, and others, I'm not sure if we're really disagreeing or not.
|> I think there's a difference between "I need to be in a happy relationship
|> to feel that my life is complete" and "I need to be in a relationship to
|> feel like a complete person".  

I don't think we're that far apart, really.  There *is* a difference.  The
former implies (to me, anyway) something a little more "external" than the
latter.  It is the latter that I tend to equate with "desperation," rather
than the former.

I think being in a happy relationship would be nice -- I'm not sure it
would make my life "complete," but it definitely would be nice.  Each of 
us, I think, has a different level of "need" for companionship.  Some of us
are probably more "hermit-like" than others, and so don't feel that a
relationship is all that terribly important to our living satisfying lives.
Others have a greater need for companionship, and a relationship does make
their lives more complete.

|>I think I'm a complete person (and no,
|> I don't need volunteers to help me check :-)) but that doesn't mean that I'm 
|> not going to feel like my life's incomplete if I never find someone to
|> love, settle down with, have children, etc.  I think the key words in that
|> sentence are "if I NEVER"; I don't feel like a half-person with an
|> unfulfilling life just because I haven't met the right person yet! 

I still think some of the differences in perception may result from my having
"settled down" 21 yrs ago for what I thought was to be the long haul, only
to have it crumble 15 yrs later.  The old saying "once burned, twice shy"
definitely applies here, I think.  I've learned to like myself for the first
time in my life.  I've learned that I really am capable of supporting myself,
of managing my finances, of dealing with life alone.  I was told by my parents
that I'd never amount to anything, and by my now-ex-husband that I'd be 
bankrupt within a year if I ever left him.  what a feeling of "power" it is to
prove to myself that they were wrong.  :-)

 [ ... some good stuff about "need" deleted for brevity ... ]

|> 
|> The people who reject the word "need" seem to be equating it with desperation
|> or dependency.  

I think that's probably because the context in which I tend to hear it is
when someone is desperate for *any* relationship.  "I can't survive without
a relationship!!  I ***NEED*** a partner!"  That sort of thing.


|> I agree with Dawn that in any relationship there are going
|> to be times during which one partner needs the other (if you've ever nursed
|> someone through the flu, you know what I mean!) but these kinds of need
|> aren't the emotional vampire kind, where one person draws his/her purpose
|> in life from the presence of the other.  

Your comment about the flu really hit home.  The times I miss being in a 
relationship the most are when I'm sick.  I had to nurse myself through
pneumonia last May, and the doctor almost put me in the hospital when she
found out I didn't have a "housemate," in case something happened.  And
you're absolutely right -- this is NOT the kind of "neediness" I object to.

|> I wouldn't want anyone to act like
|> I was an inexhaustible wellspring of mothering and inspiration.  On the other
|> hand, I woulnd't want a partner to react to my absence the way he'd react
|> if the supermarket didn't have the right kind of frozen pizza; mild
|> disappointment, slight lowering of expectations for the evening, but no
|> more.  

Again, no disagreement here.  I *have* dated guys where the amount of mothering
and emotional nurturing I had to give was too much -- it was exhausting!  At
the same time, if I love someone, I *will* miss him when he's away, I will
have eyes only for him, etc.  (I really am a romantic, although it may not
show in my posts here.  :-))

|> 
|> If I've misintpreted what anyone's said, I'm sorry!  
|>  
I don't know about anyone else, but I don't think you misinterpreted me.  And
I'd say we're probably more in agreement than not.

-- 

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|    /)                      | Lana Mountford    
|   / /  __    ___    __     | Silicon Graphics  
|__(_/__(__)\__/  )__(__)\__ | Mountain View, CA 
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Newsgroups: soc.singles