From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 8
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:58:17 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                     The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                               Chapter 8

                            The Uncanny Q-Men


The Enterprise crew was pleased to welcome back Doctor Crusher after
her three year as head of Starfleet Medical.
(They never did like Doctor Polaski.)
She had a lot of catching up to do with Wesley; although Wesley hadn't
aged much physically, he had gained much experience through his
honourary rank.  He also had started dating.  She felt - and probably
still
feels - uncomfortable with the idea of her son dating, but a routine
examination by Doctor Selar revealed no S.T.D.s so that
meant one less worry.

Wesley, meanwhile, was being instructed by Data, apprenticed by Geordi
and otherwise looked after by Riker (who was setting a very bad example;
no wonder his mother was so worried).  In two years, he would have
enough experience to qualify for an unconditional entry into Starfleet
Academy.
(When the time comes, however, he would decide instead to stay on the
Enterprise for another year and have his time on the
Enterprise count towards credits at Starfleet Academy.)

The Stardate is 43186.4.  Picard, Worf, Riker, Troi, Wesley and Data
are all on the bridge.  A now familiar flash of light heralds the
appearance of Q.  This time he's wearing a light jacket over a t-shirt
and jeans.

"Q!"

"Yes, Jean-Luc.  I am Q: I come from the Q-continuum."

Picard looks puzzled by the manner in which Q introduced himself.

"It's an obscure reference, Jean-Luc.  I don't expect you to recognize
it."

"What do you want, Q?"

"Why, Jean-Luc, I just want us to have some fun together."

Picard looks uneasy.

Q raises his right index finger.  "But first there's somebody missing."
Another flash of light heralds the appearance of Geordi in front of
Picard.

Geordi: "What the ...?"

Q: "Good, we're all here.  Now let's go."

The Enterprise is thrown off course and appears in some unexplored
region of the galaxy.

"Data, where are we?"

"I don't know, Sir, this region of the galaxy is unexplored."

Wesley: "Sir, there's a planet coming into visual range."

Picard: "On screen."  A small image of a planet appears on the
main viewer.  "Magnify, for God's sake!"

Q: "Really, Jean-Luc, feeling a bit irritable today are we?"

Wesley: "Captain, Q's put us in a standard orbit around the planet."

Picard: "Q, what do you have in store for us *this* time?"

"Don't worry, Jean-Luc, your ship's not in danger, only the seven of
you."  With that ominous note and yet another flash of light, Q's
attire changes to that of a red and blue uniform and helmet and a long
blue cape.  Sensing a threat (No kidding!), Worf leaps forward.  Just
then, they all disappear leaving behind eight flashes of light.

Worf finds himself in a mid-sized room.  He is only momentarily
disoriented and turns to find Q in the room with him.  He lashes out
at Q who is protected by a force field, but in the process he notices
three long knives extending out of each of his wrists.  He looks at them,
disgusted.

"What's wrong, micro-brain?  I thought you'd be pleased."

Worf regains his composure.  "Why don't you fight me like a Klingon?"

"Ah, but you don't understand.  I'm not the one you're here to fight."

Just then a creature appears.  It's dressed in red and brown and has
long blond hair that resembles a lions mane.  Its fingernails are long,
hard and razor-sharp.  Its noticable facial features include a
protruding forehead; in this regard, it looks a lot like Worf.

The creature lashes out at Worf.  Worf, not in the right attack posture,
barely moves out of the way in time, but not without the creature's
nails ripping his uniform and causing a trickle of mauve liquid to drip
from his exposed skin.  Just as the creature turns around to face him,
Worf slices
it from its left shoulder to its right thigh with the blades coming out
of his right wrist and then, with the other set, slashes it across the
face.  The creature (or, rather, what's left of it) drops to the floor.

"Hey!" proclaims Worf admiring his work.  "These are great!"

Q, somewhat disgusted, says "I knew you'd be pleased" and vanishes.


Wesley appears in a large room.  He sees in front of him in the centre
of the room a large man with brown overalls, goggles and four mechanical,
extendable arms with three digits each extending from his abdomen.
Wesley experiences a bowel movement.  Just then one of the arms reaches
forward at him.  Wesley, instinctively, jumps as far back as he can and,
to his surprise, finds himself sticking to the walls behind him and yet
still able to move.  In his euphoria, he momentarily forgets about the
man in the room with him.

"Hey, neat!"

Just then Q appears.  "Wesley, look out!"

Wesley sees another arm reaching for him.  He jumps from the wall and
lands in a corner on the other side of the room.  The arm impacts the
wall that was behind him and causes it to crack and crumble.

"You're going to have to fight him, Wesley.  Next time he goes for you,
grab the arm."

Now, in all fairness, Wesley knows that this situation is one created by
Q so, despite his misgivings, he does exactly what Q says.

"Now, pull!"

The mechanical arm that reached for Wesley is now pulled out of its
socket.  Sparks fly.  Wesley's opposition is momentarily incapacitated.
In an uncharacteristic move, Wesley runs forward and punches him on the
jaw, causing him to crumple on the floor.

Wesley has a satisfied look on his face.  "I feel power surging all
through me!"

"Yes, Wesley, but think about what you just did: you could have killed
this man."

"But he's not real: you just created him."

"Wesley, that's not the point.  You should always remember: 'with great
power comes great responsibility'."  With that, Q disappears.


In yet another room are Geordi and Troi, standing close together.

"Do you sense anything, Deanna?"

"No, what about you?"

"I'm picking up the entire visual spectrum with normal levels of
infared and traces of radio waves, microwaves, ultraviolet and gamma
rays.  I can also see electromagnetic radiation."\footnote{Boy,
did I ever cringe when he said that in "Encounter at Farpoint"}  Geordi
thinks for a moment about what he's just said.  "Or is that redundant?"

Just then a man with a white face dressed in metalic blue and red with a
shredded black cape appears.  He turns, menacingly, at Geordi and Troi
and raises his arms.  Troi senses hostility (No kidding!!).  Energy is
projected through the man's hands towards them but it is dispersed by a
transparent shield that appears just in time.  This continues for a few
seconds.

Q appears.  "He wants to kill you."

Geordi: "I guessed.  What's stopping him?"

Q: "Troi's telekinetic shield."

Troi: "My what?!"

Q: "The only way to stop him is for Geordi to take off his visor.
The beams from his eyes are the only thing that can destroy him.
That's why he wants you dead."

Geordi: "You've *got* to be kidding."

Q: "He can't maintain this level of energy projection indefinitely.
He will soon stop and lower his arms to rest.
When he does, Geordi, you will take off your visor while looking
right at him."

Geordi: "This is crazy."

Troi: "But typical Q."

It happens just as Q had described.  Troi senses their opposition's
exhaustion.

Troi: "Geordi, do as Q said."

Geordi takes off his visor.  Sure enough beams come out of his eyes
and spread out to envelope the man in front of him.  The man's costume
is all that is left of the body that falls to the floor.

Troi: "Geordi, you did it!"

Geordi, his eyes closed, puts his visor back on.  He looks around the
room.  "Where'd he go?"

Q: "The beams from your eyes destroyed him.  Well, have fun."  Q
disappears.

Geordi goes to examine the clothing on the floor.  "I did this?"

Troi senses Geordi's anguish (No kidding!!!) and goes to comfort him.
"Geordi, it wasn't real."

Geordi shakes his head.  "But what if this is permanent?  It's bad
enough when I lose my visor and can't see.  Am I going to have to go
through life facing the prospect of accidentally killing one of my
friends?"

Troi puts her left hand on Geordi's right shoulder.  "It's alright,
Geordi, we'd understand."  Geordi looks up at the ceiling.


Data looks around his room.

"Intriguing."

Just then, a humanoid robot appears in the room with him.  It has
a large protruding jaw and sparks fly as it opens its mouth.  It
raises its arms and stretches out its hands.  Data jumps out of the way
just as plasma shoots out of its palms.  Data quickly moves forward,
grabs its head and pulls it off.  An explosion consumes the entire room.


Meanwhile, Riker finds himself holding a red, white and blue shield
in his hands.  "What's this for, Q?"

"You'll see."

A man appears in the room with them.  He's bald, his face is completely
red and his eyes are as large as their sockets.  He draws a ninja sword
that's more than a metre long.  Riker figures out what to do with his
shield just before the blade would have come down on his head.  The man
with the sword attacks relentlessly yet Riker finds he's able to counter
every move he makes.

"This can't go on forever, you'll get tired."

"What do you suggest, Q?"

"Throw your shield at him."

"Are you kidding, Q?  That's *an incredibly stupid thing to do*!
I'd be left defenceless!"

"Have it your way then, but ask yourself: have I ever lied to you?"

Riker's battle continues for another minute until, in utter frustration,
Riker steps back and throws his shield so hard that the man's head is
seared off, his body dropping to the floor.

"There, now only your Captain remains."  This time, both Riker and Q
disappear.


Picard is in a small room, sitting in a wheelchair.  Q appears.

"Q!  What have you done?!  I can't get up!  I don't even have any
feeling in my legs!"

"You don't need your legs to defeat me, Jean-Luc.  You just need your
mind."

"Explain."

"I've expanded the power of your mind to the point that even here,
exactly one kilometre beneath this planet's north pole, you can contact
your
ship.  All you have to do is think."


Six flashes of light herald the arrival of Worf, Wesley, Geordi, Troi,
Data and Riker in Transporter Room 1.  O'Brien stands behind the console,
his mouth agape.

Worf looks down at his wrists.  "They're gone!"

"What's gone, Lieutenant?" asks Riker.

Worf suppresses his anger.  "It doesn't matter."

Data makes an observation.  "Captain Picard is not among us."

"Computer: locate Captain Picard."

"{\tt Captain Picard is not on board this ship.}"

"Then he must be down on the planet.  O'Brien, are there any structures
on the planet?"

"None, Sir."

"Then where is he?" Riker asks rhetorically.

Troi speaks as though in a trance.  "He's exactly one kilometre beneath
the planet's north pole."

Riker looks sceptical.  "You're sure?"

"Absolutely!  I don't know *how* I know but there's no doubt.  That's
where he is."

Riker believes her.  "Computer: who's on the bridge?"

"{\tt Ensign Tsu}"

"Just Ensign Tsu?"

O'Brien explains.  "Ensign Tsu appeared on the bridge just after you
disappeared.  She notified security that the bridge was empty but
the turbolift isn't working so she's there alone."

Riker taps his communicator.  "Ensign Tsu."  There's a short delay
as the computer locates Tsu.

"Commander Riker!  You're back!"

"Ensign Tsu, we can't get up to the bridge.  It's up to you to set a
course for this planet's north pole and then take the helm."

There's only a slight hint of hesitation in her voice.  "Yes, Sir."

Impulse engines direct the Enterprise in a helical path of decreasing
radius towards the north pole.

"We're there, Sir."

"O'Brien, do sensors detect anything at the co-ordinates Troi
described?"

"No, Sir."

Riker makes a decision.  "Beam whatever's there aboard."

O'Brien does.  Picard, still in a wheelchair, appears on a transporter
pad.
Everyone is stunned.  He struggles to lift himself up.

Riker taps his communicator.
"Doctor Crusher, medical emergency in Transporter Room 1!"

"On my way."

"It's alright, Number One.  My legs just feel a bit numb."

"What did he do to you, Captain?"

Just then Q appears in a yellow and blue uniform with
an "x" on his belt.
"Not to worry, boys and girls, everythings back the way it was.
Wasn't that fun?"

Picard struggles to walk.  "Q, I want you off my ship *now*!
This nonsense is over."

"On the contrary, Jean-Luc!  This is only Chapter 8!  This is far from
over yet!"

Riker tries to reason with Q.  "In that case, Q, what have we to look
forward to?"

"Oh, come now, Riker, you surely don't expect me to tell you that, do
you?  You're just going to have to find out along with everyone else."

Riker takes a deep breath and sticks out his chin.

"But, at any rate, you've misunderstood me *again*.  When I say it
isn't over, I don't mean that it isn't time for me to leave."

Picard has managed to regain his balance and, thus, his composure.
"Well then, Q, *is* it time for you to leave?"

Q stares off into space, tilting his head to one side, frowning slightly
and pushing out his lips.  He then looks at Picard.  "Are you sure you
won't miss me?"

Picard rolls his head back and takes a deep breath.

"Never mind; never mind; I can tell when I'm not wanted."  Q disappears
just as Dr. Crusher enters.

Dr. Crusher looks at Picard.  "Was that Q?"

Picard answers.  "Yes, he's just left."

Dr. Crusher then looks at Riker.  "So, what's the emergency?"

Picard looks resigned.  "It's me, Beverly.  Number
One, I'm going to be in Sick Bay for a while."

"Understood, Sir.  O'Brien, are the turbolifts working again?"

O'Brien checks.  "Yes, Sir."  He pauses.  "And, apparently, we're back
where we were when Q arrived, on the same course."

Riker looks around at Worf, Wesley, Geordi, Troi and Data.  "Is
everyone ready to return to duty."  They all nod.  "Alright then, let's
go."  Everyone leaves except O'Brien for their respective destinations.

NEXT: "The Sorry Years"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative