From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Subject: Re: Tools for dealing with asar/life
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 22:26:38 GMT

In article <1992Aug19.154358.24010@u.washington.edu> taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu (Allen D. Taylor) writes:
>
[intro and some other good stuff deleted--welcome Allen, and thanks for 
making this post]

>What upset my serenity more is the vitupretive diatribe I've witnessed
>among the witnesses of the Relkie/Prisoner incidents. (By referring to it
>as an 'incident' I am not minimizing it's impact on Relkie or Prisoner,
>but trying to put it in perspective within my own reality.) A lot of
>people have stated a lot of opinions concerning not only the incident, but
>other peoples opinions of the incident. 
>
Yes, some sort of discussion of this (either here or in a smaller group of
asar members) was probably going to happen when Relkie got net access again.
There's no way that this discussion could be anything but painful, in my
opinion.  But at least for me, the responses to the responses to the responses
have gotten me a lot more upset.  This pattern keeps being repeated here,
and it usually ends up with the original people involved getting _all_ the
anger directed back at them.  I would really like to see a discussion
about how we want to communicate here that concentrates on 'good examples'
rather than blaming people for what they said in the wrong way.  WHat do
others here think?  If nothing else, it would give some of us a safer topic
that deals with our own life experiences, perhaps?  Another problem with
the difficult times here is that nothing else gets talked about.

>One of the most important tools I learned in therapy was to separate  what
>directly affected my reality from what did not affect my reality.  The
>Relkie/Prisoner incident had *absolutely no* affect on my reality.  It did
>affect how I felt about asar, Prisoner, Relkie, Sally, Don, ... etc.  But
>those are feelings.  It had no effect on whether I ate, had shelter over
>my head, drank, and so forth.

Good distinction.  On the other hand, I think it had a bit more of an affect
on some of us who were more actively involved in supporting people involved
and in some cases feel some responsibility (perhaps missplaced?) about what
happened.  This is a difficulty for me many times, and I wonder when and
where to talk about such feelings.

>
>Another very important tool that I learned to use was to not use 'you'
>sentences but to use 'I' sentences.  By way of example:  some one wrote in
>to say that "Relkie is manipulative."  I cannot make such a statement
>because I cannot read Relkies mind to determine what her motives where
>when she wrote what sounded like manipulation to that person.  What *I*
>said was "I feel manipulated by Relkie's posting."  What's the difference
>you might be asking?  1) I do not know if Relkie was being manipulative or
>not.  2)  If she was or not, there is nothing I can do to change her
>behavior.  3)  My perception is the only reality I have,  I can look at
>what was written and ask myself _why_ I feel manipulated.  I can then make
>an intelligent and rational reaction within my own reality.  A reaction
>that I alone am responsible for.  4)  Even if Relkie was intending to
>manipulate me and I choose to react in the way Relkie wanted me to, THAT
>IS MY CHOICE, not Relkies.
>

This is excellent.  Actually, something about 'I' statements and 'you' 
statements gets posted during most difficult times on asar.  I think
it's still plenty hard at times to hear "I feel manipulated by that post"
or "I feel really angry after reading this", but I know that when I
feel like people are attributing all kinds of negative motivations to
me for saying whatever it was I said, it can really be too much to deal
with.  

If someone feels manipulated by one of my posts, I will accept some 
responsibility for figuring out why and trying to change as long as I
can be gently helped to do so.  I will not feel that I need to drop everything
and work on my manipulation issues.  Now I'm starting to fear that
I might be just making things worse by going on.  I'll stop for now and
think about it more.

>All of this starts, for me, by saying "I feel ..." rather that "She is ..."
>
>Relkie, Prisoner, Don, Bear, and everyone else on asar whose names I can't
>at the moment remember, I hope this doesn't come across as picking on
>anyone.  I too, am a survivor, this is one of the tools I have learned to
>use to help me deal with the world in a rational manner.  If it is of some
>help to you, then use it.  If it is not relevent to your reality, then so
>be it. 
>
>Peace, Love and serenity to all.
>
>--Allen
>

The above goes for me, too.  Although I must admit that I've often been
found manipulatively demanding that everyone talk like I do.  I really
hope I haven't just been doing that again.

SHerri



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