From: foleye@storm.CS.ORST.EDU (Stilt Man)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling
Subject: FWF:  Flawless vs. Snailz
Summary: John "Flawless" Lawless defends his U.S. Title against Snailz.
Date: 1 Oct 92 08:24:39 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Dept., Oregon State University
Originator: foleye@storm.CS.ORST.EDU

And finally they manage to chain me to the keyboard :-) to write the next
installment of the Fictional Wrestling Federation.

This one is a little more light-hearted in intent, one of the many spoofs the
FWF central office has put forth.  The United States Heavyweight Champion,
John "Flawless" Lawless defends his title against the ex-convict from Georgia,
the brutal man with a nightstick known in the FWF as Snailz.

Unfortunately, I already sent in my vote to Herb Kunze for "Worst Wrestler
of the Year" for Papa Shango instead of the WWF prototype for Snailz.  Oh,
well.  Too close to call.

Comments from both parties involved:

Snailz:
"John Lawless!  You stand in the FWF as the United States Heavyweight Champion!
(slobber, menacing shudder . . . ) Well where I come from, they don't bother
with fancy wrestling moves!  They just beat people up!  And when I'm through
with you, even your own mother's not going to be able to recognize you!!"


Lawless:
"I sometimes wonder if I'm in the right line of work when I get stuck in angles
like this . . .  I mean, here I am, the flawless U.S. Champion, the only man
who has ever beaten Doctor Death, the overrated goof most call the FWF's
greatest World Champion of all time, I work hard and wrestle as skillfully as
any man who has ever stepped into the squared circle, I'm the #1 contender for
the World Title, and I still have to deal with this?  Where do they get the
idea that this drooling idiot is suddenly a world-class athlete fresh out of
the big house?  Well, Snailz, in the FWF we wrestle, we participate in a
demanding and punishing sport.  There's no room for slobbering morons with
billy clubs and rotten singing voices, because when 'Flawless' Lawless walks
that aisle, the 'Wrestler Be Cool' stick in my hand and the U.S. Title around
my waist, it's time for you to learn just what wrestling is all about!  It's
not just working people over like in the slammer!  And when that 10 minute
mark hits, and you're going HACK PANT PANT HEAVE GASP in the middle of the
ring, you're all mine!!"


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A lone individual in a red-orange prison outfit walks down the aisle at Madison
Square Garden, and the crowd's reaction is quite mixed.  The marks are booing
furiously, and the hardcores are making dejected glances skyward.  A number
of some sort above the letters "COBB COUNTY CORRECTIONS" adorn the front and
back of the loose-fitting outfit, and he holds a black nightstick in the air.
Alfred Grinchley sighs, wondering in his mind where they find these gimmicks,
and begins his task.

"THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL.  IT IS FOR THE UNITED STATES
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!  COMING DOWN THE AISLE, FROM THE CORRECTIONAL 
FACILITIES IN COBB COUNTY, GEORGIA, HE WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED AND TWO POUNDS . . 
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAILZ!!!"

Snailz steps into the ring and begins beating the palm of one hand with the
nightstick in the other, a menacing shudder going through his entire body
starting at his cheeks.  He is supposed to represent the results of a turnstyle
system of justice, so just humor me, here.  :-P

The sound of "Exodus" breaks over the PA system, and compared to Snailz, the
other man coming down the aisle seems like a face by comparison to marks and
hardcores alike.  However, he is a heel as well, leaving some of the more
devout marks confused as to who they're supposed to root for.  Too complex a
concept, that bad guys would actually want to wrestle each other for some
ridiculous notion like "competition."  Too much WWF for these characters, not
enough FWF.  The Grinch continues his task.

"AND HIS OPPONENT, MAKING HIS ENTRY TO THE RING AREA.  HE WEIGHS TWO HUNDRED
AND SIXTY-EIGHT POUNDS AND HAILING FROM SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, HERE IS THE UNITED
STATES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION . . . JOHN 'FLAWLESS' LAWLESS!!!"

He strides confidently down the aisle in a silver robe with black glittering
frills.  The letters "Simply Flawless" are scored on the back in ebon sparkly,
and short brown hair is cut close to his skull.  Bright blue eyes look at
the ring with open contempt, smiling down upon the man in the ring who spreads
his arms for the referee to frisk him for foreign^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hinternational
objects.  A wooden rod is clutched in both of his hands, the infamous "Wrestler
Be Cool" stick.  He has used it on occasion for chicanery, though his original
reason for bringing it was because of a preliminary opponent once striking him
with a set of brass knuckles.

He walks up the ring steps, struts along the ring apron and gestures with the
stick like a sceptre to the referee.  The zebra complies, parting the ropes
for his entry.  He responds by leaping over them, landing on his feet inside
the ring.  The ref scowls in humiliation.  He unties the sash of his robe 
and folds it off his arms, handing it to an attendant.  The United States 
Championship belt is around his waist for the second reign.  He has no 
intention of releasing it to this ex-con.

He removes it and hands it to the official, who holds it high above his head
to show to all what this match is for.  The United States Champion is auto-
matically the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship
now held by Doctor Death.  John "Flawless" Lawless has had two shots at the
ultimate gold.  Once, he defeated the Doctor.  The second, he allowed his
cornerman to be lured into the ring and get him disqualified.  The third, he
intends to be more careful.

But he has to ensure that there is a third shot yet.  To do so, he must defeat
this man.  Snailz and Lawless stand roughly eye-to-eye, though Lawless is
somewhat shorter than his foe.  Lawless is chattering at Snailz arrogantly and
defiantly, while the larger man seems satisfied with squinting and drooling
all over his few days' growth of beard.  Finally, the referee separates them
and explains the rules to each.

Pfah!  As if the rules meant anything to either man.  Lawless is one of the
dirtiest players in the game, while Snailz never knew the meaning of a rule.
Finally, the match begins.

Snailz lunges at Lawless mindlessly, who coolly buries a foot in the groin as
he comes close enough.  Snailz doubles over, falling to his knees, and Lawless
backs into the corner to give himself distance when he runs out, snatching
Snailz's head in his hands and leaping over him, bending him back double in
the process!  Snailz curls up in pain, and Lawless is quickly to work.

He lifts him up, sending him to the ropes and unleashing a full-coiled set of
legs about two inches from his jaw on the rebound.  The drop kick from such
powerful legs at such close distance snaps Snailz's head back, and his whole
body seems to fly backwards as if shot from a cannon, becoming coiled in the
ropes.  Lawless sends him across again, and levels him to the mat with a
roundhouse Russian sickle.  The U.S. Champion backs to the ropes, watching
Snailz closely.  Snailz is used to fighting in a prison, not a wrestling ring,
and his movements are shaky, unexperienced, not familiar with the change in
setting.  With less-skilled opponents, he could just brutalize them.  But with
"Flawless" Lawless, one has to know how to wrestle just to stay in the ring
with him for any length of time.

Snailz comes up, still doubled over, not having the experience to know that
this is a blaring mistake.  Sure enough, Lawless grabs him around the chin and
turns him over for a neckbreaker.  Snailz clutches at his neck, his entire
spine aching badly by now.  He's not used to pain.  He's not used to opponents
who actually can outmaneuver him.  Lawless is quick and agile enough to do so
with most foes.  He draws Snails up in an armbar, imprisoning him as he pulls
him back to the ropes and sends him across once again.  Waistlock up, grab
under one red-clad thigh to spin him around, and his entire spine is smashed
on the canvas as Lawless 180's to plant him on the mat.  Lawless hops to his
feet gleefully, pointing with both fingers out to the crowd as he shouts his
hallmark call . . .

"Now you're going to see . . . a Perfect Plex!"

He draws Snailz back to his feet, takes him in a front facelock, slings one
of his arms overhead.  A simple hook of the leg, and Snailz is turned over into
a bridge cradle, knocking the wind out of him while imprisoning him for the
referee's count:  one, two, three.

Lawless comes out of his bridge, grabbing Snailz by the hair and lifting his
head up an instant before shoving it back to the mat in simple humility.  He 
raises his arms in the air, and the U.S. belt is returned to him.  The Grinch
makes it official:

"THE WINNER OF THIS BOUT, AND STILL UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION:  JOHN
'FLAWLESS' LAWLESS!!!"

He bounds over the ring ropes outside the ring, and struts all the way back
to the dressing room.
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Okay.  There's an FWF spoof, where the big-time revolve-around-gimmick
wrestlers with no work and no skill are reduced to what they should be:
flashy-clothed jobbers.

Still to come from the FWF:  "Crimson" Joe Reed vs. Sultan Sitan El Sagga.

 __________________________________________________________________________
|Stilt Man --Never ask a mortician to go out and bring you back a cold one.|
|  foleye@xanth.cs.orst.edu	                            		   |
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