From: aaron@space.ualberta.ca (Aaron Humphrey)
Subject: Cooking From Hell
Reply-To: aaron@space.ualberta.ca
Organization: University Of Alberta, Edmonton Canada
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 05:00:40 GMT


[This one is for talk.bizarre's own net.asshole, Roger David Carasso.  In an
offhand moment, he offered me(at least I think it was me--he spelt my name
wrong) the words

alt food grape lard

It took me a while to figure out what to do with alt, but the rest was easy...]


Kagnna picked up the remote control and turned the TV on.

"So, as I see it, the United States has no alt--"  CLICK
"--down, no payment until 20--"  CLICK
"Do you think I use too much blush?"  CLICK
"--prey is the common cave newt, a deceptively--"  CLICK
"--Cooking From Hell."

"This looks interesting," he thought, settling back to watch.  Cooking was one
of his secret vices, but none of his roommates were home, so he was safe to
enjoy it.  Weird title though--he must have misheard.

A bright, cheery woman appeared on the screen.  She had red hair that almost
looked like it was aflame, and her eyes glinted red as well.  "Hi, I'm Jewel
Hell, and welcome to Cooking From Hell.  Tonight we're going to be preparing
one of my favourite dishes, and I think it'll become your favourite too."

The camera panned across the counter in front of her.  "Okay, for this one
you'll need some lard...cake flour--not all-purpose, but cake flour...nutmeg,
paprika, ginger, and cayenne pepper...grapes, either red or green as long as
they're seedless or you're willing to do a little work yourself to pit them
all...cake sprinkles--get lots of them, 'cause this should use more than one
standard-sized container...green peppers--one large one, or two or three small
ones...and moose meat, preferably fresh, although venison can be substituted if
necessary, making this a good one for hunters.

"Alright.  Dip the moose meat in the flour, until it's thoroughly covered. 
Then coat it with the cake sprinkles.  Crush about half of the grapes, and add
the spices.  This should make a good marinade, and you may want to try this
with other meat dishes as well.  If you don't have enough to cover all the
meat, you might want to stretch it out with some teriyaki sauce.  In this
Tupperware container, I have some that I've been marinading since last night,
although you can keep it in the marinade for up to a week if you have to.

"Now--this is the important part--cut the tops off the green peppers.  Do >not<
remove the seeds.  Spoon in lard until it's about half-full.  Then bake them in
the oven on low heat--about 175 Fahrenheit--for about twelve hours.  Check them
every couple of hours or so, and add more lard if necessary.

"Then add in the marinaded meat, and the rest of the grapes.  Bake it at 260
for another hour, and then serve.  I have some right here that should be
getting ready right now."  On cue, a gentle ping started in the background. 
"There it is."  She pulled out a deep casserole dish and lifted off the lid. 
She sniffed it and let out a sigh of pleasure.  "Just right."  Then she tilted
it so that the camera could get a good look into it.

Then she started to eat it, but Kagnna didn't see that part.  He was too busy
running for the toilet, vomit trickling out of the corner of his mouth.


--
---Alfvaen(Canadian SF Quasi-Activist)
"Don't fight it--it's over your head."  --King Crimson
Current Album--Sade:Stronger Than Pride
Current Read--Robert Heinlein:The Past Through Tomorrow
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre