From: omaha@hardy.u.washington.edu (Omaha Sternberg)
Subject: Re: Could anyone be poly?
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 23:24:00 GMT

mbr2@quads.uchicago.edu (Curious Of All Natures) writes:

>(Disclaimer: This is a reply by Devil's Paraphrase.  The D'ed words are
>not mine.  If Phil wouldn't swallow them either, and he replies to set
>himself apart from them, all the better!)

>Phil writes:

>>	I believe that the fundamental obstacle to polyamory is
>> jealousy, and I also believe that jealousy is a fundamental part of
>> some, if not most, human beings.  Certain people are jealousy- impaired;
>> they don't practice it, don't understand it, or can keep it under
>> control to an extent that the rest of the world cannot.  These are the
>> people that can be happily polyamorous.

>D Most people are not jealousy-impaired.  Such people inevitably
>D experience jealousy in polyamorously-flavored situations.  This 
>D jealousy inevitably makes a polyamorous lifestyle unworkable.  It is
>D not possible for these people to emotionally learn and grow in ways
>D that make them immune or even less susceptible to jealousy.  
>D Confronting insecurities, discovering one's inner okness, evolving
>D a foundation of internal happiness rather than external happiness - 
>D none of these could even begin to declaw that beast.


>My own words to follow.

>-Matt Ryan, anyone for a game of duelling narrators,

	I love how most people can take jealousy to mean one thing and
one thing only. Unfortunately for most people jealousy has different
aspects.
	I say that I am a jealous person when my SO jumps into bed(or
any other place) with one or more other people and I am not involved.
The reason I am jealous: I can't be there to enjoy the fun. However, it
was not too long ago that I was jealous for an entirely different
reason, and this jealousy was quite different from the one I experience
now. I was afraid at that time that any body by SO went out with beyond
me would eventually pull my SO away from me. The last time that this
happened, he and I argued, well yelled like hell, over the situation. We
broke up. However, this break up was a little different from any others
we had experienced. In this one, Elf implied that he no longer wanted me
as a friend either. This hit a much deeper mark in me than anything had
before. For one, I couldn't believe that my pettiness had done so much
as to make him not even want to see me again, let alone make love to me
again. Secondly, I considered friendship to be the basis of any loving
relationship. That he no longer wanted to be my friend as well said to
me that this was it; it was over.
	Well, I spent hours walking throughout Melbourne(Florida, not
Australia) praying to whatever deity or deities existed that if only Elf
would be my friend again, I would never be jealous again. Well, when I
came back to see Elf and other friends over at a friends house, Elf said
that he would still like to be my friend, just not my lover. Well, my
prayers had been answered!
	For those of you who think that my happiness at his being my
friend simply meant to me that I could eventually become his lover
again, the next segment proves your wrong.
	I was still living in the same house, but I moved out onto the
couch in the living room. I was going to stay there until I found myself
an apartment. Well, I usually didn't get up until 10 or so, but Elf
would get home by 8 or 9 in the morning from classes. He would go by the
couch and automatically get into the bed with me. I would look up at him
and say "Aren't we broken up?", to which Elf would reply"Oh, yeah, I
forgot." and leave. He did this practically every day, and every day I
reminded him that we weren't lovers. And not in a sarcastic sense
either. Eventually Elf told me it would be easier for me to sleep in the
bedroom with him until I found a new place. Then it was "Well, why
don't you stay until the lease runs out." Then it was "Well, why don't
we just stay together a while and see how things go." Then he finally
admited that he loved me too much to let me go.
	The moral to all this stuff is that, despite the fact that I
kept pushing him back, Elf came back to me. There was no need for me to
be afraid that someone was going to take him away. He really did love
me. And even if the time came where Elf fell in love with someone else
more than with me, NOTHING I could do would truly "bring" him back to
me. So I decided that I could trust Elf implicitly with others, and just
know that what will be, will be. And I have never been jealous for THAT
reason again.
	So you see, jealousy is truly multi-faceted, and you can never
really understand it until you realize this.

						Omaha