From: cbnorman@cayley.uwaterloo.ca (Bruce Norman)
Subject: STORY: D&D: The Wizard of Smaug (chapter 3)
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.dnd
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 18:36:07 GMT

                         Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992

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                              The Wizard of Smaug

                                   Chapter 3 
 
                           ------------------------

    "Now Perrywinkle, watch this, this is very important!" spoke Teflour, 
his eyes twinkling in that deranged alcoholic way.  Carefully, Teflour 
poured black powder from a large bottle marked "X" into a small brass 
cup.  "Perrywinkle, would you like to take part in this experiment?" 
    "Oh yes sir" was Perrywinkle's obsequious response, "what would you 
have me do?" 
    "It's very simple boy, just drop this burning candle into the 
powder." 
    "Sir?" asked Perrywinkle as Teflour began to back up to the far side 
of the room.  "Is this safe?" 
    "As safe as anything I'll be teaching you Perrywinkle!" spoke 
Teflour, and ducked behind a couch.  Mew walked over to the cup, looked 
at its contents, and quickly ran away. 
    Gingerly Perrywinkle picked up the wax-dripping candle.  He looked at 
the powder for a second, shrugged, and dropped the candle into the bowl. 
    There was a loud booming sound and a flash of light, Perrywinkle 
screamed and fell backwards clutching his face.  From behind the couch 
came the loud giggling of Teflour. 
    "Oh marvelous!" he said.  "Never dared to try that myself, thank you 
boy!" 
    "You cra...cra...cra...cra..." stuttered Perrywinkle desperately.  He 
reached up to feel his face, it was somewhat charred.  His eyebrows had 
been burnt clear off.  "Cra...cra....cra...." he continued desperately. 
    Teflour looked at Perrywinkle's face critically.  "Hmmm, this 
experiment does seem somewhat damaging to the complexion.  Wonder if we 
can minimize that..." 
    "Cra...cra...cra....crazy old fool!  Were you trying to kill me!" 
    "Oh no Perrywinkle" said Teflour smiling affectionately.  "I 
calculated, very carefully mind you, the proper ammount of powder so that 
you would not be killed!" 
    "This is magic?" asked Perrywinkle in disbelief.  "Putting lighted 
candles into bowls of black poweder?" 
    "Well, actually no, it's not magic" admitted Teflour.  "I bought that 
powder from an oriental merchant.  he said they used it to make 
explosions."  Teflour cackled to himself.  "I Havn't had the nerve to try 
it until now." 
    "You havn't had the nerve?  You batty old moron, then how, prey tell, 
did you calculate the proper ammount of powder to use so that I would not 
be killed?" 
    "Well, perhaps it was more of an educated guess." 
    "An educated guess?" 
    "Well, just a guess I suppose." 
    "You mystacle moron!" yelled Perrywinkle, now worked up into quite a 
rage.  "You burn off my face with some oriental explosive, hoping you 
don't accidentally kill me?  Is this what I'm going to be doing with you 
for the ten years of my apprenticeship?" 
    "Well, not for the entire ten years" spoke Teflour.  "I was actually 
only planning on spending two or three years testing the powder." 
    "But I came here to learn magic!  Not to be some exploding servant 
for you!" 
    Teflour laughed again, his eyes twinkling again.  "Oh Perrywinkle, my 
dear Perrywinkle, why do you think they call you a wizard's apprentice!  
You don't get to actually learn magic, you assist me in my experiments!" 
    "But, I always assumed, that after I was done my apprenticeship I 
would be a wizard!" 
    "You will, I assure you" said Teflour.  He hobbled over to a large 
box of scrolls.  "Oh dear" he sighed, noticing that they had been set on 
fire.  He grabbed a pot of mildewey tea and dumped the contents on the 
small blaze.  Gingerly he grabbed a scroll from the box and beat it 
against the desk, putting out the remaining flames.  "Here you go," said 
Teflour, handing Perrywinkle the document, "this is what you'll be 
receiving ten years from now!" 
    Perrywinkle took the document and read it. 

    Let it bey known that _________________ hast compeleyted his ordealz 
of apprentishep and is now a full wyzard of the realme of Smaug. 

    "That's it?" he asked in amazement.  "For ten years of dangerous 
experiments and general slavery, I get a piece of paper!"  He looked at 
it again.  "And it's full of spelling errors too!" 
    "I never knew a wizard that could spell" said Teflour.  He began to 
chuckle.  "Wizard....spell....that's a good one.  Must write it down."  
He began to fumble amongst the sea of blazing scrolls. 
    "Well, if I'm not going to learn magic from you, how will I ever 
learn it?" complained Perrywinkle. 
    "Oh, didn't I tell you? When you graduate I shall also gift you with 
a tome of magic."  Teflour pulled a small gray book off of a shelf.  He 
scrunched up his face and blew on it violently.  Dust flew off the book, 
which Perrywinkle now saw was actually black.  Teflour handed the book to 
Perrywinkle. 
    "What's this?" Asked Perrywinkle, "the beginner's manual?" 
    "Oh no" said Teflour, "that's all there is.  All the spells known to 
mortal wizards, and a few that arn't." 
    "What do you mean thats all there is?" asked Perrywinkle, thumbing 
through it.  "It's only two hundred pages long! This holds all the spells 
known? This is all that you, Court Wizard of Smaug, know of magic?" 
    Teflour beamed at Perrywinkle.  He looked about, as if searching for 
some eavesdropper and then whispered in Perrywinkle's ear.  "Actually, if 
you must know, I never bothered to read past chapter eight myself.  It's 
terribly dry reading you know.  Really, all you need to know are the 
spells on page 17 and 41.  They allow you to cure the stomach ailments of 
sheep, and to prevent crop blight, you know, basic wizard stuff." 
    "You never read past chapter eight?" asked Perrywinkle again.  "But 
there's fourteen chapters!  In your thirty years as Court wizard, you 
never bothered to read the other six!" 
    "Well, the spells began to get rather depressing." 
    "Then what is this?" asked Perrywinkle, pulling a large leathery tome 
off a shelf at random.  There were hundreds like it throughout the room.  
The title of the book, inscribed in gold on the spine, was "*Baysic Fyre*
*Magik*".  Perrywinkle began to page through it.  His mouth dropped open as 
he stared at the pages in astonisment. 
    It was full of pictures of naked female elves. 
    "Well, wizards arn't allowd to marry you know" explained Teflour 
embarasedly.  "Church law and all that stuff.  The Arch Bishop's worried 
some woman might learn magic." 
    "Are all the books like this?" asked Perrywinkle amazedly. 
    "No, no, of course not.  In some books the elves are wearing, leaves, 
you know.  And in some there's male elves involved too, if you know what 
I mean.  And some books have human girls in them."  He screwed up his 
face in concentration.  "I think there's a book on fishing in there 
somewhere too, never been able to find it though." 
    "This is madness" said Perrywinkle dropping the huge tome to the 
floor.  "I'm going back to father.  There's no way I'm going to set 
myself on fire for ten years so I can look at books full of naked elves!" 
    "Really?" asked Teflour.  "How incredibly disapointing! I was looking 
forward to us blowing things up together boy!" 
    "Well I'm not prepared to be one of those things! I must leave you 
now, I see now that, like my father and his father before him, my life is 
dung! Good day Court Wizard Teflour!"  Perrywinkle left in a rage, 
slamming the door behind him.  He set down the road back to his father, 
and back to dung. 


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