From: mickey@bach.udel.edu (Mickey McCarter)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: HHG to ST:TNG (Scenes 7 and 8)
Date: 30 Mar 92 04:27:48 GMT
Organization: University of Delaware


SCENE 7	: Moments later, Picard, Data, and Worf arrived on the bridge of
	  the Enterprise.  A Borg ship hangs ominously in the empty void
	  in front of them.

Riker	: Sir, the Borg has returned.

Wesley	: I think I like them better as a banana split.

Worf	: Captain, we are being probed.

Picard	: All hands, battle stations.  Shields up, Mr. Worf.

Worf	: (pause)  Sir, the computer is not responding.

Riker	: Is the Borg interfering with our defense systems?

Data	: Negative, sir.  It seems that the computer is ... busy.
	  We are only getting 15 percent CPU time.

Picard	: Busy??!!

Worf	: Confirmed, sir.  Our shields are now activated.

Picard	: Arm everything you have, Mr. Worf.  I want you to dump
	  them all at my signal.

Worf	: Yes sir!

Meanwhile, on the way to the Presidential Detention Suite ...

Ford	: Hey!  Careful with that phaser!

Ensign 1: Resistance is useless!

Ford	: Well, you don't have to have that thing glued to my back all
	  the time.

Ensign 2: Resistance is useless!

Arthur	: What about my tea?

Ensign 1: Resistance is useless!

Computer: (from one of its speakers)  Tea synthesization in progress.
	  CPU time, 87.9 percent.  Estimated completion time, fifteen
	  minutes.

Ensign 2: Resistance is useless!

The red alert klaxon sounds throughout the corridors of the Enterprise.
The call "All hands, battle stations" goes out, slightly bewildering
the two ensigns ...

Ensign 1: Battle stations?  Do you think that includes us?

Ensign 2: No way.  We have direct orders from the Captain to escort these
	  prisoners to the brig.

Ford	: (realizing his opportunity to cause some dissension)  Sure, you
	  guys get all of the easy work while your Captain sweats it out
	  on the bridge.

Ensign 1: What was that crack supposed to mean?

Ford	: Oh, nothing, nothing at all.

Ensign 2: We didn't think so.

Ford	: Well, I'm just saying that maybe Captain Picard realizes that the
	  two of you just aren't up to manning battle stations...

Zaphod	: (whispering harshly)  Ford!

Ford	: (ignoring Zaphod) ... and that is why you were given the relatively
	  simple task of escorting us to the brig.

Ensign 2: Oh, yeah?  I'll have you know that we happen to be pretty tough
	  customers for a Federation starship.

Ensign 1: That's right.  There was a time on Damascus when we had to stun
	  a whole room of aliens with our phasers.

Ensign 2: Yeah, we can get rough if we have to, so don't force us to do
	  anything unpleasant.

Ford	: Sounds pretty tough to me.  How about you, Arthur?

Arthur	: Hmmm?  Oh, yes, terribly so.  I certainly wouldn't want to get
	  on their bad side.

Ford	: (after a pause)  How can we be sure that you're really capable of
	  stunning us though?  Those phasers of yours look pretty small for
	  such work.

Ensign 2: Hey, do you want us to stun you or what?

Ford smiles one of those smiles that makes other people feel that there
is something horribly wrong with Things In General.  After three more
steps, the group of prisoners enters the middle of an intersection of
two corridors.  Another pair of security guards turn the corner just
as Ford says ...

Ford	: Stun me.

Ensign 1: (firing)  You asked for it, bud!



SCENE 8	: Somewhere on their way to the Presidential Detention Suite,
	  Ford has prompted Ensign One to fire his phaser at him,
	  just as two other security guards turn the corner in front
	  of them ...

Ford hits the ground and rolls back past the two ensigns.  Ensign 1
accidentally stuns one of the security guards.  The other guard
immediately jumps the ensign.

Zaphod	: Follow Ford, everyone!

Zaphod, Arthur, and Trillian race after Ford as Ensign Two emerges from
the scuffle.

Ensign 2: I'm setting my phaser to 'evaporate,' Beeblebrox!  Now
	  surrender in the name of the United Federation of Planets!

Voice of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:  This is a good time to
	pause and review a section of what the Hitchhiker's Guide to
	the Galaxy has to say about the United Federation of Planets.

	There are several important things to remember when dealing with
	officers of the United Federation of Planets.  The first is that
	they always claim to be on peaceful missions, insisting that they
	will not use violent means to accomplish their goals.  It invariably
	so happens, however, that one or two (or perhaps even an entire
	starship of personnel) get a bit overzealous in their tasks and
	feel the need to vent any frustrations they may have by vaporizing
	a prisoner or two, if not entire planets.  Starfleet Command is
	always rather understanding about these little mishaps, even when
	it violates their own Prime Directive.  These incidents were usually
	hushed up appropriately, and passed off as accidents, as in the
	case of the sudden and unexpected supernova of the star Turas,
	taking with it a few orbiting planets where Romulan ships were
	rumored to have been sighted.

	The second important thing of note is that the United Federation
	of Planets is very big.  Even a man like Zaphod Beeblebrox should
	not attempt to betray the Federation because no matter where in
	the known space and time he hides, the Federation is bound to find
	him there.  In fact, if Zaphod Beeblebrox's brains were functioning
	correctly (e.g. he has not touched a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in
	at least 5,678.84 years), he might realize that the only reasonable
	way to escape the Federation is to paint himself pink, and then
	activate a Somebody Else's Problem Field about himself, whereupon
	the Federation would immediately cease to worry about him.

	The third, and perhaps the most important, thing to remember about
	the United Federation of Planets in general, and Starfleet in
	particular, is that it is impossible to be served a decent
	Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on any of its starship, especially when
	it is a Klingon that is serving you the drink.  Federation food
	synthesizers are not capable of getting just the proper kick into
	the drink which leads to certain problems, as Zaphod Beeblebrox
	is about to discover.

Trillian: We're almost back to the shuttle bay where the Heart of Gold is
	  being kept!

They stopped at a crossroad where three corridors are leading straight
through, to their left, and to their right.  The group paused to
catch their breath.

Arthur	: So, (pant, pant) which way (pant) do we (pant) go?

Trillian: I believe, (pant) that we (pant) ...

Ensign Two rounded the corner behind them, and, stopping, yells:

Ensign 2: I've (pant, pant) I've got you (pant, pant) now, Beeble-
	  (pant) Beeble- (pant) Beeblebrox!

Zaphod	: (running to the left) This way!

Ford	: (running to the right) This way!

Both Zaphod and Ford starts to run in their respective directions.
They both paused.  They both looked at each other.  Panting, Ensign
Two raises his phaser shakily.

Zaphod	: We came this way.

Ford	: No, we came this way.

They both paused again, in slight confusion.  They look first at the
other person's direction, then at their own direction.  Both decides
to agree with the other, and proceeds to run in the opposite directions
again.

Arthur boggled.

Ensign Two, hands shaking wildly, takes aim at Beeblebrox and fires.

Trillian pulls Arthur down, neatly dodging the phaser fire that would
have ceased his crave for tea forever.  Ensign One rounds the same corner
behind Ensign Two.  Seeing Ensign Two too late and unable to stop himself,
Ensign One crashes into Ensign Two in a flurry of arms and legs.

Trillian: Here, this way!

Pulling Arthur behind her, Trillian runs down the corridor in front
of them.  Zaphod and Ford stared after her, shrugged, and followed.

Moments later, they arrived at the entranceway to Shuttle Bay Three.

Arthur	: Let's just hope that security in there isn't as trigger happy as
	  this ensign that has been chasing us through the last three levels...

Zaphod	: Don't worry, Earthman.  My brilliant plan has worked so far,
	  hasn't it?

Ford	: Your brilliant plan?  I thought this was _my_ brilliant plan.

Zaphod	: Just read all about it in my memoirs, Ford.  It's too long and
	  complicated to explain right now, okay?

Trillian: (choosing this time to notice Marvin's disappearance)  Say, guys,
	  keep an eye out for Marvin.  He must have been transported on
	  this ship somewhere along with us...
	
Zaphod	: Forget the Paranoid Android, willya kid?  We can't keep worrying
	  about where Marvin...

Zaphod suddenly stops cold.

Ford	: What?  Hey, Zaphod, what's the problem?

Zaphod	: I feel ... very depressed at this moment.

Trillian: What?

Zaphod	: Not just this moment, but I will feel depressed at every moment
	  consecutive to this one as well...

Ford	: Snap out of it, Zaphod.  You're beginning to sound like Marvin.

Arthur	: ...and that horrible smell.  What is it?

Surprisingly, Zaphod is still holding the empty glass that once held
his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.  Trillian snatched the glass from him.
The horrible smell is very obviously coming from it.

Trillian: Oh, no!  Zaphod's drink wasn't mixed properly!  It caused a
	  chemical imbalance in his brains so that when he heard
	  Marvin's name he became chronically depressed!

Ford	: What can we do?

Trillian: We have to get back to the Heart of Gold immediately.  I can
	  prepare an antidote there.

Ensign 2: (catching up again)  You're right in front of the shuttle bay
	  doors, but you're not getting the chance to go in!

Zaphod	: How depressing.  Here I am, the most important person in the
	  galaxy, and I can't even get into a blasted shuttle bay.

The ensign attempts to shoot Zaphod, only to discover that his phaser had
just run out of batteries ("Damn!  Should've used Energizer!").  Trillian
quickly ushers the others into the empty shuttle bay where they board the
Heart of Gold.



Will the Enterprise be able to prevent its computer from making tea?
If they do, will Arthur be able to _survive_?  Will Picard defeat
the Borg by reading them Shakespeare?  Will a towel ever come into
this galactic saga?  Find out, on the next exciting episode of ...

	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!


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Article 3529 of alt.fan.douglas-adams: