HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: casey@stars.gsfc.nasa.gov (Sean Casey GSFC (301)286-4558)
Subject: Re: Becoming attracted to friends
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1  
Organization: NASA/GSFC-Laboratory for Astronomy and Solar Physics
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 02:08:00 GMT

In article <1992Nov9.235614.12728@jetsun.weitek.COM>, weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver) writes...
>In article <1992Nov9.120233.29782@wam.umd.edu> huesmann@wam.umd.edu (Joseph Edward Huesmann) writes:
>>Hello. I'm in a little bit of a confusing situation (at least to me it is).
>>I'm becoming attracted to a friend of mine. I became friends with her over
>>the summer when she was dating one of my friends' roommates, and we'd all
>>do something together often. She broke up with him a few months ago, but
>>I believe she's seeing someone else now. In the past month or so, I seem
>>to have become attracted to her romantically. My dilemma is whether or
>>not to tell her I've developed feelings for her and risk losing her as a
>>friend. Although I'm attracted to her, I don't necessarily need her to
>>be anything more than my friend (I'm used to being alone...). Help!
>>
> 
>Joe:
> 
>    I would advise that you don't tell her that you are romantically
>attracted to her unless you want to be her ex-friend. You can decide
>that you want to remain friends, or be more than friends, but either
>way it is a bad idea to tell her.  The reason for this when you tell
>someone you are romantically attracted to them, they feel they have to
>respond. You might get lucky, but usually this means they pull away.
> 
>    If you want to remain just friends, then there is little you have
>to do other than accept the situation. On the other hand, if you want
>to be more than friends, I would suggest that rather than telling her
>how you feel, start showing how you feel. Don't show jealousy or
>disappointment, though, since no-one is attracted to these sort of
>negative emotions. Show how you enjoy her company. Compliment her good
>points. When she seems to be comfortable with that, start acting a
>little more like more than friends. Break it down into steps, and pace
>yourself by watching her at each step she is not uncomfortable (which
>will cause her to retreat), or too comfortable (things are going too
>slow). Expect some ups and downs, but don't give up too easily.
> 
> 
>    If you approach being more than friends indirectly and slowly, then
>you will give her a chance to get used to the fact that you are
>interested in her. And that will increase the chances that she will
>want to be more than friends with you.
> 
>Good Luck, 
>Michael.

Here you go Ladies...This is how it's done! In alt.personals
there's been much discussion about 'letting nature take it's
course', etc., and 'how come women never ask men out'. If you
are going to learn, then it's best to learn from a professional! ;)
It's all a game of cat and mouse. Thanks for the advice Mike and 
good luck Joe!

SC

Xref: sparky alt.romance:14056 soc.singles:30750
From: loosemore-sandra@cs.yale.edu (Sandra Loosemore)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles
Subject: Re: Being Alone?
Date: 15 Nov 1992 17:55:48 -0500
Organization: staff hacker @ Yale Haskell project
	<1992Nov15.151337.13175@bnlux1.bnl.gov>
	<15NOV199215323703@stars.gsfc.nasa.gov>
NNTP-Posting-Host: functor.systemsz.cs.yale.edu
In-reply-to: casey@stars.gsfc.nasa.gov's message of Sun, 15 Nov 1992 19:32:00 GMT

casey@stars.gsfc.nasa.gov (Sean Casey GSFC (301)286-4558) writes:

   Any comments from the lurking women about meeting guys at the work
   place? (It's not my cup of tea...)

I'm not really a lurker, but I'll throw my $.02 worth in anyway.

I don't have any problems with dating people who work for the same
company but in a different project or division.  But I would be
hesitant about initiating a romance with someone I had to work with on
a regular basis, *especially* if I were that person's boss or vice
versa.

The main problem I've had with meeting guys at work lately, though, is
that these days all the ones in my own age group seem to be married
already.  I'm not sure if that's Yale, or just me getting old and
decrepit.  :-(

-Sandra the cynic
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: dks@sr.com (Dave K. Sprow)
Subject: Re: Where do I go from here?
Keywords: West Seneca, 14224
Reply-To: dks@srhqla.UUCP (Dave K. Sprow)
Organization: Silent Radio, Los Angeles
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 17:50:40 GMT

In article <BxKMxC.GnA@acsu.buffalo.edu> v119qkv2@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (POE) writes:
>
>	First Brenda and Dylan, and now Walter and Jenn (the infamous "Him" and
>"Her" from my post about a month ago).  After almost three years, they called it
>quits.  (I'll say it before anyone else does - I sure hope that these two break
>ups are just a coincidence.  Because if the woman I'm attracted to gets advice
>about her life from "Beverly Hills, 90210", I'll definitely have to re-evaluate
>this whole situation. :-) )  Allow me to refresh your memories.  Over the past
>3 months or so, Jenn (She) and I have become very good friends.  Problem - she
>was already involved in a very unpleasant relationship with a friend of mine,
>Walter (He).  Well, (supposedly) that relationship is no more. 
>	Now what do I do?  They've only been broken up for a week.  For how
>long do I keep my distance?  Remember - Jenn is very attractive and will most
>likely have many guys coming on to her.  I don't want to come off as a 
>insensitive jerk and push her into anything too fast, but it would kill me if I
>lose her to anyone because of my hesitency.  Do I start calling her more often?
>Do I ask her out on a date?  Do I go about business as usual & play the waiting
>game?  For the last two weeks, I really haven't had a meaningful conversation
>with her or spent any quality time with her.  What does this mean?  She was just
>using me to help ease her troubles with him?  She needs time to sort things out
>on her own?  Is she avoiding me?  Is it just coincidence?  Is there breaking up
>a direct result from the kindness I've shown towards her?  Am I living in a 
>fantasy world?  What do I do?  Any advice you wise and all-knowing people could
>give would greatly be appreciated.
>
>- Mike Poe

Just call her up and ask how she's doing since her breakup.  Let her know
you're available if she wants to talk or just someone to hang out with,
do something fun and take her mind off things.

David
From: suopanki@zombie.oulu.fi (Heikki Suopanki)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: SO
Date: 13 Nov 92 00:55:15 GMT
Reply-To: heikki.suopanki@phoenix.oulu.fi
Organization: Unixverstas Olutensin, Finlandia

>>>>> On 11 Nov 92 01:54:33 GMT, g.myint-maung@fs4.mbs.ac.uk (Guy Myint-Maung) said:

Guy> Ive been following the board from here in the raintown of Manchester.
Guy> Would somebody please tell me what "flaming" is, and also what "SO" is.

Flaming is when you take a flamethrower, point it at someone else and
press the trigger....
SO is a sex object, or should be....?  there are other meanings 

-Heikki

--
*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*
<* Heikki T. Suopanki <*> suopanki@phoenix.oulu.fi <*> Oulu, Finland *> 
*> IRC: heska  <*>  Pink dreams and blue thoughts  <*>   @>-,--'--   <*
<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>
From: aa762@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Dave Babinsky)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Does Anyone Get over Being Lonely
Date: 10 Nov 1992 01:37:20 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc12.ins.cwru.edu


It has been 2 months and 10 days since my girlfriend of 3 and a
half years has broken up with me.  After begging and pleading and
even calling her about 4 weeks ago (like a dummy), I was wondering
if you ever get over feeling lonely or missing that special 
someone to share life with?

Xref: sparky alt.romance:13971 soc.singles:30592 ba.singles:2162 alt.personals:22197
From: epperson@pop.stat.purdue.edu (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,ba.singles,alt.personals
Subject: TygerBoink Information
Date: 14 Nov 92 00:26:29 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Statistics Department

This is just to let the people interested in coming know that I have
sent out a "detailed information packet" (last week) on the
TygerBoink.  If you want to come and have not received one of these in
your "email" mailbox, please send me a note and I will send it to you.

Please keep in mind that I can only answer mail after 5 p.m. EST and
may not get back to you right away.

Thanks!!

Mary
TygerBoink Sex'y
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|  ,____                                 | Mary Epperson
| /     )                                | epperson@pop.stat.purdue.edu
|(   ____    ____   __      __   (\___   | Purdue University
|(   \   )  (____) (  \)  (/  )  (    \) | a.k.a. GEMR/Maiden Mary
| \_____/)_/(______/    \/    )__/       | Official RFA Sexretary to
|                                        |       the Chat Hosts    
|     "I know I have faults...being wrong is *not* one of them!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
From: esper@cs35b.cs.umn.edu (Dave Sherohman)
Subject: Yet another request for advice...
Organization: University of Minnesota
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 23:24:27 GMT

In the midst of all these requests for suggestions on starting relationships
and dealing with the uncertainties that go along with doing so, I need
suggestions on dealing with the end of one and, in this case, a number of
attendant uncertainties...

For those of you who don't recognize my name from rec.arts.dance or a certain
minor flamewar a few months back, I'm a ballroom dance fanatic.  Get out dancing
3-4 times a week minimum, TA dance classes, former officer of the U of MN dance
club, the works.  So about this time last year, some students from a class I
was TAing started sticking around afterwards and working with me.  Eventually,
all but one stopped showing up after class.  The two of us got to dancing very
well together, then started going out dancing on a regular basis around last
Christmas.  Also about that time, I expressed an interest in getting to know
her better to find out whether I would want to date her; she said that wasn't
possible because of plans to go do volunteer work in Latin America for 1-2
years and she shouldn't get involved with anyone until after she gets back.  We
ended up getting involved anyhow.

Jump forward to last night (Sunday the 8th).  As we often do, after returning
from a dance, we sat in the car talking for a while.  Through the course of
our relationship, she'd always been very passive, trying not to encourage our
relationship (but also never trying to discourage it either).  Friday night,
she'd gotten a bit more active in pursuit of the relationship, which concerned
me, so I asked her about it.  I also pointed out that, in the past, whenever
I'd indicated that she might have any responsibility for anything that was
going on between us, she got very defensive.  From there, I told her that I
saw a pattern of her not taking responsibility for her actions.  Next thing I
knew, she'd brought up the conflicts between our dating and the rest of her
life, and I'd told her that what is is, and that can't be changed, all she can
do is to take responsibility for her actions and decide what she was going to
do in response to the situation.  She was quiet for a good 20 minutes weighing
the factors, then she came up with what I knew was coming - she shouldn't be
dating anyone now.

So the dating part is over.  I can handle that.  But we're still friends, we'll
still be dancing together, and worst of all, both of us know that we both wish
it hadn't had to end.  I have no idea how to deal with these.  There aren't any
hard feelings on either side.  Comments/advice/suggestions, anyone?

Dave Sherohman
esper@ima.umn.edu
From: xine@bigwpi.WPI.EDU (the strawberry girl)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: The virtues of internet
Date: 8 Nov 1992 03:46:15 GMT
Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute
NNTP-Posting-Host: bigwpi.wpi.edu
Keywords: love is the touching of two hearts.............

 fippen@ux2.cso.uiuc.edu (J. Fippen) writes:

>	Now what, pray tell, does this have to do with alt.romance? Well,
>two hearts can touch over  internet even though the people are many
>miles apart. And isn't alt.romance about the touching of hearts? It is to

	yeah, but it can also let the person you are involved with meet
	someone else that they spend all of their time logged in talking
	to...

			sorry to be vaguely bitter... go on talking about
			stuff that melts my heart... =)
	
						--xine

Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: verwey@acs.ucalgary.ca (Mary-Ann Verwey)
Subject: Re: letters, opinions, women, romance
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 05:38:02 GMT
Organization: The University of Calgary, Alberta

In article <1992Nov6.195655.12581@Virginia.EDU> kmc8z@Virginia.EDU ("***** Tina C *****") writes:
>In ref. to letters:
>
>	I really do think it makes a difference to women at
>least (being as i am one...i can say that).  The guys that I
>write to seem to appreciate it too, but just not as vocally.
>
>	I had a major discussion with someone I used to date
>about how he would NEVER write back (i wrote 3-4 times a month)
>and he just didn't understand the difference between writing
>and calling.  I don't know if its just me, but I think there's
>a place for both.  Letters are CONCRETE...you can look at them
>again if you need a pick-me-up, they are easier to think about
>and respond to, and there's just something terrific about
>getting mail that's not present with e-mail or phone for me.
>My advice to all of my friends who do the long-distance thing
>is to write...even if they're only short notes, especially if
>you have things that are hard to express over the phone.

Exactly... email is great, phone calls are great but to have
something tangible in your hands is the best of all... I cherish
the letters and cards I get from my SO (1000 miles away :() and I
am always sending cards, funny ones, mushy ones, or something I
know he would get a kick out of.. he says they really brighten up
his day :) So take the time to write snail mail... 

Mary-Ann


-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary-Ann Verwey                    Hold on to the shining moments in times
verwey@acs.ucalgary.ca             of darkness, they will pull you through
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: esper@cs35b.cs.umn.edu (Dave Sherohman)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Yet another request for advice...
Date: 13 Nov 92 18:38:08 GMT
Organization: University of Minnesota

In article <1992Nov12.213333.6810@jetsun.weitek.COM> weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver) writes:
>It seems that I erred in trying to infer your goals.  I apologize for
>that.

Don't worry about it - as I said in my last post, I should have been more
clear on that.

>No, it was not a military exercise, but in any situation that is
>important, you need to take what you want into consideration. I said
>'tactical errors' rather than 'errors', because I think that the
>actions that I pointed out may make sense in some context, but I do not
>think that they are likely to serve what I thought your goals were.

Definitely not.  If mt main goal had been to keep her, I would have done
everything possible to prevent her from making a decision (ever).
>
>She has conflicting goals, and by pointing this out to her, you make
>her resolve these conflicts according to her old priorities. If you had
>given her time, she might instead have adopted new priorities.

Interesting...  I hadn't looked at it in terms of changing priorities...  I am
wondering, though, whether she'll change her mind after she's been in Latin
America for a year and gotten a new perspective on what (and who) is important
to her.

> You
>chose to reduce the ambiguity in your relationship,

I wasn't really concerned with ambiguity - we were (and still are) very much in
love with each other, we both knew/know it, and so did/does just about everyone
else who knows us...  I just saw that the time had come for her to take a more
active role in her life.

> at the risk of
>reducing the level of intimacy.  If you did that intentionally, then
>you deserve a lot of credit for maturity.

Thanks, though I sometimes feel like I deserve some credit for stupidity too...
As I've mentioned, as soon as I told her she needed to make a decision, I knew
that it would be against me.  For that matter, I've always known that delaying
her decision as long as possible would make it more likely to go in my favor.
As it was, I was pleasantly surprised at how close it had actually been - if not
for the extra problems it would have caused when she leaves for Latin America,
we'd almost certainly still be dating.

>Good Luck,
>Michael.

Thanks.  We'll need it if we're to remain "just" friends.  (I really hate that
phrase...  Friendship is a wonderful thing too!)

Dave Sherohman
esper@ima.umn.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: dks@sr.com (Dave K. Sprow)
Subject: Re: Help Needed
Reply-To: dks@srhqla.UUCP (Dave K. Sprow)
Organization: Silent Radio, Los Angeles
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 22:35:14 GMT

In article <1992Nov9.061545.5870@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu> nxie@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Nandi Xie) writes:
>
>I have been waiting for the Mr. Right for a long time.
>Then it came this guy I met in school. We became good
>friends. Then he moved to some other state. We've
>exchanged emails, and we've talked quite a bit. I find
>that I'm really involed. But the problem is, he is 
>married and he has a child. So I never tell him what I
>am feeling. Yet I am affraid that our friendship would
>affect their merriage. Anybody has any suggestions? I
>am really confused in this situation.

Yup. He's *not* Mr. Right for *you* if he's married.  So waht you are saying
is that you feel romanticaaly for him and don't want to tell him for
not losing the friendship part.   I'm going to be blunt here: you're living
in fantasy world and it's a waste of time.  The tone of you post sounds
like you not only cannot let go of the romantic feelings you have but that
you don't want to.  Then do the one thing you absolutley don't want to do.
Drop the relationship entirely.  Make room in your life to have a bice
relationship with somebody you can have one with.  Don't waste you own
time.  Life is too short and you're life is important.

David S.
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Date: Sun,  8 Nov 1992 01:44:22 -0500 
From: "Choli R. Lightfoot" <cl3x+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: what i'm looking for

I finally figured out what I am looking for in a relationship.  I want,
no need a man that will be very romantic.  I guess I am truly in love
with the concept of romance.  I love feeling loved.  I need someone who
will call, e-mail, or talk to me every day.  Occasional flowers, loving
notes.  The works.  I hope there are people like that out there.  I'm
glad I know what I want so that I can start searching.  I guess that is
why I have been unhappy in recent relationships, are there other people
out there like me?  I hope so...finding a note on your door when you get
home from a long day or getting flowers for no apparent reason is the
best feeling there is.
I just wanted to share my realization.
	Choli
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: afdenis@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Stephen Dennison)
Subject: RE: What kind of flowers?
Summary: The meaning of colors of flowers/roses
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Keywords: roses birthday friend
Organization: Ancient Souls Inc.
Date: 13 Nov 1992 09:12 EST  

Speaking of Flowers ....


It seems President-Erect Clinton (pun intended) has already taken steps to 
spruce up the White House ...

.. he says he want's Flowers on his desk every morning ! :-)

[Hi, Carol.]

Perot, row, row your boat gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Clinton's such a scream.

-- Stephen

	Growing up is easier than you think ... one day, you just wake
	up an adult ... and mourn your loss.
From: ci022@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Richard Kirby)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: letters, opinions, women, romance
Date: 9 Nov 92 01:52:39 GMT
Reply-To: ci022@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Richard Kirby)
Organization: disorganized.
NNTP-Posting-Host: hela.ins.cwru.edu


I can't think on my feet.  I like sending letters because they give me time
organize my thoughts. Word processors are great: I can write everything
out in whatever order it occurs to me then rearrange things and
delete things that are off the subject.  But for maximum personal
impact letters should be handwritten (legibly).  Am I the only one
who spends hours with a word processor then copies out the final
product by hand?

I like receiving letters because I can take them at my own speed.
In conversation I miss important details.  But with letters I can
stop and think about what I've just read.  Or read it again.  Then
tomorrow I can read the whole thing again.  Some things just don't
get through to me any other way.

E-mail is faster than snail-mail but only if you read it every day.
Some people I won't send e-mail to because they only check it
every week or so.  Also there's no guarantee that I will type the
address right so e-mail may be seen by people it was never
intended for.  Fax'es can also be good, but they lack the
privacy given by an envelope.

-- 
Kirby    ci022@cleveland.freenet.edu
You can mail me anonymously at anonymus+2420@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu.
Political Correctness is the practice of using issues as fashion accessories.
From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: letters, opinions, women, romance
Date: 5 Nov 1992 14:08:13 GMT
Organization: BNR Europe Ltd, London Road, Harlow, England.
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.199.202.41

In article <Bx8GBn.DHF@news.cso.uiuc.edu> bzb47596@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Phaedrus) writes:
>I am interested in knowing the opinions of a.r men and women on the effective-
>ness and usefulness of writing letters (man-->woman, or woman-->man) because
>I have found myself spilling my guts a lot more often in letters than in
>person.

I like letters (receive/send), but they take ages to write, I hate the postal 
delay, and I would prefer to use email. Most people I've met consider a good
old-fashioned letter something quite special these days. I feel an inkling
of this, but not as great.

While I'm on the subject, the 2nd most awful thing anyone said to me was
about letters: "I don't trust you enough to write a letter to you any more"
(sent by email by a now very ex-close friend).

That still sends great shivers down my spine. Brrrr. I haven't forgiven
her for that one! No way! (Maybe you folks will just wonder what I did to
lose her trust? Pah!, she was just a strange woman -- like them all. ;-))

BTW, if you're curious, the most awful thing anyone said to me was
"you're chucked" (over phone) -- i.e. English for "I'm outta here" in an end 
of relationship sense :-)). But that has nothing to do with letters... ;-)

===========================================================================
Stewart Tansley     | BNR Europe Limited              |  'Be cool, or be
                    | London Rd, Harlow, CM17 9NA, UK |    cast out...'
dswt@bnr.co.uk      | +44 279 429531 x2763 (ESN 742)  | Subdivisions, Rush
===========================================================================
  'You know how that rabbit feels -- going under your speeding wheels...'
===========================================================================
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: abbruzzs@bcvms.bc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: RE:HELP NEEDED
Date: 10 Nov 92 20:34:00 GMT
Organization: Boston College



There isn't much of a chance, I know.  
Just Give it up now before you get in too deep!