From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: Michigan Wom*n's Music Festival
Date: 4 Sep 92 10:22:00 GMT
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk



[this posting is long and contains material that deals with abuse]


[cjohnson@nyx.calpoly.edu writes]
>Seems like if I can have sex with anyone I want, the focus moves 
>from what they would be like in bed to how I would relate to them,
>in and out of bed.

For me, being Bi is partly being able to relate on a more physical basis
to other people, but It's also given me the freedom to be a more emotional
person as well... I may get involved with someone to the the point of,
but exculding, sexual contact. I don't think I'm a "prick teaser", but
I can indulge in a good half hour of hugging and stroking and then go home
or do something else, or whatever. This kind of behaviour seems to have no
place in straight space. From my experience, you get into some petting and
that is seen as a signal that says "I want sex...", I think straight people
are beginning to see that this is not always the case, but it takes time.

I have terrible problems with my sexual feelings towards certain
men; when I've thought "I want to get sexual with this person", what I've 
discovered is that I can't... I want to, but it churns up far too many bad
memories for me, so I'm happy to relate with Bi-men on an intimately
physical (but excluding sexual) level. I can't do this in straight space
because most straight on-lookers will think I'm just gay and wanting sex
with the person I'm with. I cannot touch straight people nearly as much
as Bi people who seem to be far more clued-up on body politics and the
need for consenting and intimate (but non-sexual) touch -- not all Bi
people know about or respect these boundaries, and I don't assume they do,
but most Bi people I come across respect my boundaries and that makes me
feel safe amongst them.

This has had it's own problems because I then feel guilty that I shouldn't
show affection and a desire to "get sexy" with these men,  because they
may think I may have a desire to consummate that affection with sexual
intercourse, whereas what I really only want is a hug, a cuddle and a
kiss. These are more important to me than male-male sexual intercourse.

I've dealt with a lot of the feelings I have... I was initially worried
when I identified as Gay that I wasn't gay enough for the Gay community,
then, when I started to admit to myself that I was Bi, I worried that
because I couldn't sexually relate to men I was attracted to as far as 
I felt I should, that I wasn't really  Bi at all, but some straight 
cruising for "hot bi babes/studs", and then I worried that because my
only male sexual contacts were abusive (i.e. they've all raped me), I was 
worried that I was secretly searching for more abuse because it made
me justified in feeling how sick and horrible I felt as a person.

When I'm with a man, I have to call the shots, because to me,
male + sexual interest = potential abuser, and the only way I have of
dealing with it is to become the controlling factor in any male-male
interaction. Before people start flaming me, I know it has nothing to do
with the gender of the person, but part of me is screaming to get away
from men I feel sexually attracted towards. That hurts because it's like
denying part of my inner-self. But as soon as I go into it, protective
mechanisms lock in and I can't get out of them -- I guess I've been 
hoist by my own petard -- as it were.

Sorry if this is too heavy. Ignore me, I'm rambling, it's just I can't
go into work at the moment because I'm so afraid of being amongst such
big and powerful people. Flashbacks and stuff.

[hug]

+-----------------------------------------------+----------------------+
|"Don't confuse me with the facts,  I've already|cliveg@compulink.co.uk|
| made up my mind" - Local Tory gov't councellor|cliveg@compulink.uucp |
+-----------------------------------------------+----------------------+
Newsgroups: soc.bi