From: coates@newton.physics.uq.oz.au (Tony Coates)
Subject: Re: resolving an icky situation
Organization: Physics Dept. The University of Queensland
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1992 04:39:19 GMT

In article <1992Oct5.213758.5836@zooid.guild.org>, Michel Goudeseune <marcelg@zooid.guild.org> writes:
|> 
|> First a bit of background:
|> 
|> I started college this september, studying computers.  There are about 30
|> people in my class, most of them male.  One of the women/girls in the class
|> I found particularly attractive.  Very bubbly personality, easy to get 
|> along with, physically attractive, close to my age (I'm 21, she's 25), and
|> *married*.  To somebody else.
|> 
|> Anyways, we were hanging out together very often between classes, and
|> basically spending much time with each other.  That's all fine and well, but I
|> wanted to be very sure that things weren't going to lead any farther.
|> 
|> So, this afternoon I had a chat with her, and essentially told her I didn't
|> want to fall in love with her.  She was flattered, and also somewhat lost for
|> words.  We agreed not to spend so much time together, and if so, only as part
|> of a large group.  Her explanation of the course of events was that she has a 
|> difficult time getting to know new people, and overcompensates her
|> friendliness to make up for that.
|> 
|> Now, part of me is glad I dealt with the situation now rather than later.
|> Another part of me, however, is saying "mwaaah" and wondering why I did
|> something like remove this situation from my life.
|> 
|> The one comfort I have is that I have now set ground rules for my relationship
|> with her, and I have one less thing to worry about in future.
|> 
|> That was much easier to type to the world than it was to say it to her.
|> 
|> Michel
|> Official Pronker of the RFA             marcelg@zooid.guild.org

I think that you did the right thing, at least for yourself.  That is to
say that the worry about you're getting involved was quite possibly only
your own, though of course it is difficult to say from half a world
away.  Still, in the past I have found that guys do in general
misinterpret friendliness from a female, and take it to mean more than
it does.  Sometimes this happens because the guy may be looking for a
romantic partner, and he wonders if maybe someone who is friendlier to
him might be interested in something more.  This can seem to be a rather
innocent extension of a relationship to try and make, but it has caused
heartache to female friends of mine when guys never seem happy with just
being friends.  Unfortunately, if a guy is looking for more, but she is
not interested, it is more often than not the end of things.
	If she is interested, really interested, then I think it will
become obvious, I mean *really* obvious.  I find it hard to believe that
many potential couples fail to get together when they really wanted to. 
Rather more couples get together when neither was necessarily so sure
that he or she wanted to, I would suggest.
	Of course, in this case, the lady is married, and that for me
would make anything beyond friendship an unforgiveable aim.  There are
still plenty of fish in the ocean, any way (for our German
correspondents, many mothers still have pretty daughters).
	Anyway, I would say that what you did was unnecessary, except
for your own peace of mind.  It may affect your relationship, since she
may be a little worried as to what you may have been thinking.  Really,
I think personally such worries, if possible, are better left unsaid
unless something happens which makes it necessary and appropriate to say
it.  Otherwise the other person may be offended that you thought that
you had to say such things.
	That's enough of my opinions, though.
					*hugs to all*
							Tony.
[Knight Defender of the Grail of Human Dignity]
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat