From: ltf@ncmicro.lonestar.org (Lance Franklin)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.frank-zappa
Subject: Frank's Hustler Pictorial...At Last!
Date: 26 Sep 92 19:40:49 GMT
Organization: NC Microproducts, Inc.

HERE IT IS!

Frank Zappa Celebrity Photo-Fantasy from the April, 1984 issue of
Hustler Magazine.  All text transcribed without permission.  All
capitalization and punctuation is as it was printed.  Not responsible
for any errors in transcription.  Not responsible for any errors.
Not Responsible.
NOT!

Control-L for the weak-at-mind...continue at your own risk

Full page of blanks, just to be sure of catching all the weak-at-mind.




































****************************************************************************

<<Cover Page...Movie Poster format>>

                              FRANK ZAPPA's
                               THING-FISH

Based on scenes from the impending Broadway musical, starring Ike Willis as
the THING-FISH, Annie Ample as RHONDA, Robert Axelrod as HARRY, Phil De Carlo
as THE UNKNOWN ITALIAN, with SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' and THE CRAB-GRASS BABY
as themselves.

Book & Lyrics.............FRANK ZAPPA
Directed By...............FRANK ZAPPA
Produced By...............STEVE SAYADIAN
Photographed By...........JAMES BAES
Cover Photo...............LADI VON JANSKY
Costumes..................ROBERT FLETCHER
                          BELINDA WILLIAMS SAYADIAN
Scenic Design.............ROBERT FLETCHER
Masks & Special Effects...JENE OMENS
Makeup....................RONNIE SPECTOR
Unusual Props.............EFFIE CAREY
Crew......................KENT TERANISHI
                          BOB McCABE
                          GREG DOUGLAS
                          KEN De MARTINES

Original Soundtrack Album Available On BARKING PUMPKIN RECORDS, P.O. Box 5265,
North Hollywood, CA 91616-5265

****************************************************************************

<< The Pictorial >>

Page 1-2:

The front lawn of an UNKNOWN ITALIAN, somewhere in New Jersey, Christmas
Eve 1983, 11:26 p.m.

HARRY (in submissive leather) demands to have his way with little SISTER
OB'DEWLLA "X."  THING-FISH (her legal guardian), convinced that the tiny
creature is rugged and durable enough to withstand such abuse, agrees.
HARRY has accidently fallen in love with here and wants her to kick the
shit out of him for Christmas.  On bended knee he pleads: "Anything you
say, Master!  Take me, I'm yours!"  This gives his wife, RHONDA, a terrific
headache.

Page 3:

Disgusted with her husband's bizarre fixation, she attempts to reorient
him with a shameless display of ornamental fatty tissue, shouting: "These
are my tits, HARRY...my wonderful, wonderful tits...I'm going to pretend
I'm squirting them on you!  Wooosht!  Pssht!  Fwsssht!  Almost Gotcha!"

Page 4:

The UNKNOWN ITALIAN worries that behavior such as this will have an adverse
effect on property values in his area.  Two weeks ago he received a copy of
that hideous little book Pat Boone advertises (regarding HIS PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD).  Believing every word of it, the UNKNOWN ITALIAN now
regards himself as an expert in the field of Crisis Management...he now has
HIS OWN personal relationship with God and, like the rest of the Video-
Christian species, an uncontrollable urge to inflict it on the silly-looking
motherfuckers who inhabit his $27 Nativity Box.

Page 5:

Stimulated, HARRY begs: "Hurt me!  Hurt me!  Oh!  Pull my chain, you
tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!"  RHONDA removes the rest of her 
holiday outfit.  After a deft tuck and moisten maneuver she attempts to
entice HARRY with her steaming bush.  HARRY ignores it, still begging: 
"Hurt me, OB'DEWLLA!  Make me wimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!"

Page 6:

When HARRY was a boy, he used to fuck the flamingos near the steps.
Knowing this, RHONDA, attempting theoretical proxy-lust, forces one
of them to eat her shorts.  THING-FISH remarks: "You's a sick, white
muthafucker, ain'tcha?  'DEWLLA!  Don't be pullin' de boy's chain
too hard dere!  He gots anothuh show t'do t'morrow!  I knows y'caint
hep y'seff wit dat crazy muthafucker 'busin' ya like dat!  Jes hold
on a lil' while longuh...he be droppin' de wad putty soon now!"

Page 7:

<No Text>

Page 8:

"JESUS!  That was terrific!  I've never experienced anything quite like
that in a theatre before, RHONDA!"  "You're a worm, HARRY.  Drop dead.
God, you're disgusting!  Don't touch me!  YUCK!"

Page 9:

After dropping his imaginary load, HARRY and his beloved enjoy a couple
of Marlboros.  The UNKNOWN ITALIAN displays a traditional Sicilian home
remedy for HARRY's rare mental disorder.  RHONDA has decided that the
only thing left for her to do is fuck her briefcase.

Page 10:

While assisting with the lubrication of the enormous vinyl salami,
he suggests that, out of respect for the clean-living, wholesome,
all-American fellow who urged him to call for THE BOOK, any hint of
"hair that smells like shrimp" must be concealed behind a small
cardboard box.

Page 11:

<No Text>

Page 12:

RHONDA thinks it's a good idea and announces: "I have my briefcase, HARRY...
it's right over there...see it?  It's BIG...it's BROWN...it's full of
business papers from MY CAREER!  I'm going to put my glasses on!  I'm
going to put my hair up in a bun...and then I'm going to FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Page 13:

As if she had uttered THE MAGIC WORD, a discarded aluminum billboard
refused by Elmer Valentine materializes behind her big, brown briefcase,
showing Pat at the exact moment he discovered HIS OWN "personal
relationship with God."

Page 14:

While THING-FISH pretends that RHONDA's fountain pen tastes like
corn-on-the-cob, Pat's airbrushed replica attempts a rare form of one-
dimensional sodomy as practiced by retentive savages in Virginia.

Page 15:

Relieving THING-FISH of his burden, RHONDA exclaims: "I'm sucking the
handle now!  Look!  Mmmmmm!  It tastes good!  I've got a fountain pen,
HARRY!  I'm going to stuff it up my asshole and ride the briefcase
again, you disgusting, perverted bastard worm!  Goddammit, watch me,
HARRY!  This is for your own good!"

Page 16-18:

<No Text>

Page 19-20:

HARRY replies: "For chrissake, RHONDA!  Have you no shame?  Keep your
briefcase closed...all your documents are falling out!  Those are the
Warner Brothers files, aren't they, dear?  Don't you think there'll
be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?"  RHONDA gives
the zany Christian a ten-second combination mercy-jerk/nano-whiffette
while inquiring: "Where are your real clothes, HARRY?  Are you going
back to Long Island like that?"  "I have nothing to be ashamed of!  I
have a LOVELY body!  Everyone will understand!  I've ACCOMPLISHED
something tonight!  I really believe that!  I've found a sort of
fulfillment other men only DREAM about!"

fini

************************************************************************

<<Text from the magazine's forward, "Show & Tell", about the article>>

THING-FISH is beyond a doubt the most bizarre pictorial ever to appear
in HUSTLER.  Who else could be responsible for this outrageous celebrity
photo-fantasy but Mr. Weird himself, FRANK ZAPPA?  There's a story
behind the masks used in the Zappa feature.  Two Halloweens ago HUSTLER
photographer LADI VON JANSKY was at a party where he met artist JENE
OMENS, who happened to be wearing a very impressive homemade mask.
When von Jansky was assisting Zappa with preparations for the photo-
shoot and needed to find an artist to fabricate the masks, von Jansky
immediately thought of Omens and tracked him down.  Omens drew concept
sketches, then proceeded to make miniature clay sculptures.  Next came
full-size sculptures; then plaster molds into which he poured latex
rubber to make the masks.  The project took more than six weeks to
complete.

We asked Omens how he felt about working with the notorious Zappa.  "It
was a real pleasure," he says.  "Frank had a very clear idea of what
he wanted, unlike other show-business people I've worked with.  It made
my job a whole lot easier."  Jene's credits include working as makeup
artist on the TV series Wizards and Warriors and as assistant
cameraman for the "Jews in Space" sequence of Mel Brook's History of the
World Part I.

************************************************************************

<<Text from the magazine's cover, above photo of THING-FISH & OB'DEWLLA>>

FRANK ZAPPA
DIRECTS OUR 4th CELEBRITY PHOTO-FANTASY
It's Big!  It's Bizarre!  It's Zappa!

*************************************************************************




Done!  Whew!

-- 
Lance T. Franklin            +----------------------------------------------+
(ltf@ncmicro.lonestar.org)   | "You want I should bop you with this here    |
NC Microproducts, Inc.       |    Lollipop?!?"                 The Fat Fury |
Richardson, Texas            +----------------------------------------------+