From: anon-1280@twwells.com (Ode)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Child  *****  !!! SPOILER !!!  *****
Date: 9 Oct 92 10:36:37 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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Subject: Re: Child ****** !!! SPOILER !!! ******


Thanks so much to all who responded to my Child post. I've been in
hiding and haven't answered any e-mail or replied to posts, but I
have read them and they make me feel better. Like many of you, I've
kept that stuff inside me for all these years and getting it out is
scary, but liberating. I can't hide it anymore, I can't pretend it
doesn't exist as a part of my past. I've already had some amazing
revelations as a result of posting and your responses. So, even if
I haven't answered you personally, please know that I care about
what you've said and that you have helped me.

Today was so strange. My job is fairly mindless so I can spend hours
mulling over things and thinking. As what I wrote and what you
responded with went through my mind, I had an idea that just ('scuse
the line) blew me away.


This is kinda long, but I reached a new plateau today and I have to
write it down.


This was all very clear in my mind earlier, but now it's a bit muddled.
I hope it comes out halfway coherent.


For years, the various abuses I went through swirled around my head in
vague, meaningless shapes. I'd remember bits of one here, another one there,
and I'd push them away and forget about them. It's only been in the past
few weeks that I've made a serious effort to make the decision to come to
terms with everything. Once the decision was made I realized the first
thing I'd have to do is separate the events, to clarify which ones were
most important and work on them one at a time. That's when I made my
chart and named them Child, Trees, Runaway, Cousin, Date Rape and
Trucker. Just doing that was very hard. I'd never thought of them all
at the same time before, and I actually forgot about Trees and Trucker
the first time I made up the list. Having a list of something that 
had only been vague, distant memories was pretty upsetting in itself.

Every step I took, writing the list, contacting the woman who put me
in touch with asar, writing memories, posting non-anon to asar, then
finally posting anon with Child, was followed by an intense high, then
an intense depression, then normality again. I hope....I *know* that
I'll get to the point where the highs won't be quite so high, and the
lows won't be so low. (Though I still feel like staying Alaska until
the low of posting Child wears off, your support has made this a *lot*
easier...take credit and thanks!)

Anyway, I'm seeing that bringing something that I've kept hidden out
into the open *is* a good thing. 

About today....I thought about what I had said about not feeling any anger
and not attaching any importance to Child. Then, in the midst of that,
a few more memories came back to me involving the man, plus, I remembered a
book I had read a few months ago and made some connections.

I'm trying to make sense here, bear with me.

The book was _What Cops Know_ (can't remember the author) and I read it
because it was about Chicago cops and i thought it would be interesting.
It was. One section was about child abuse and I read it with sadness
and anger, but I never, not once, associated my own experiences with
what I was reading. Today, I thought about some of the things that cops
said about pedophiles. Here, I have to paraphrase and be vague because
I looked for the book when I got home form work and couldn't find it,
and it's been a few months since I've read it, and because my mind is
pretty much mush at this point.

First, the general feeling was that pedophiles are incurable. Not all,
but most will continue to abuse children time and time again, even
after they've been caught and imprisoned, if they get out they'll try
it again. That's not always true, I realize, but it's one reason why
cops keep files on known pedophiles (and other sex offenders.)

Second, that pedophiles tend to gravitate toward occupations where they
can be in contact with children. One cop said that people are always
suprised when, say, a priest or a teacher or a scout leader or a
day care worker etc. is arrested of molesting children. But the cops
aren't, because they know.....easy access is the key to heaven.

Third, most pedophiles really, honestly *love* children. Not just
for sex, I mean really love them and care about them.


Ok, this guy who molested me from the time I was a baby?toddler? was
a pedophile. Call me stupid, but I didn't *truly* realize that until
yesterday. I knew it, but I didn't.....connect....I don't know what
I'm trying to say here. I should wait until I'm rested and able to
spend a long time on this post, but I feel a need to get my thought
processes out *NOW* or it will all be gone when I wake up.

I rambled on in Child about how I forgave this guy, how I hoped he
got help and lived a decent life and how, at the time, I really 
liked him and how he never hurt me, so it was, though wrong, still
not so bad.

Coming out and saying "Hey, that guy was a pedophile" (I said it
to myself, don't want to upset my co-workers :-)) made things fall
into place for me.

First was the realization that he hit on a gold mine when he moved
into the house next to ours and met my family. When my parents let
him babysit me he probably had a gratitude attack. Giving him a
little girl to watch was like manna from heaven and he made the
most of it. (Please know that I in no way blame my parents. How
were they to know?) 

Of *course* I liked him. He made sure of it. He had his own little
girldoll to play with and he wasn't going to do anything to screw 
it up. If I didn't like him, that would screw it up big time. So
he made sure that everything he did to me was like a game that felt
*really* good. He was the most wonderful baby-sitter in the world
because he wanted to make sure that I *wanted* to come back.

And I did want to. One of the two really important memories to
come back to me today was of me crying unconsolably when told
that I would never see him again. I still don't remember anthing
else of the aftermath of him being caught, but that crying was
something that really got to me when I remembered it.

I *must* face it, I must face it and I have to write it down here and now.

I *LIKED* the sexy things he did to me. Though I didn't know anything
about sex, and had no idea what the word sexy meant, he made me feel
so good in ways that no one else did. Some of the things he did to me
then are among the things that I love having done to me now. This guy
knew how to push the right buttons. If he had been a normal guy who 
liked women, he'd have been the most popular guy in town. Instead, he
used all his talents on me. And I loved it. I think sexuality is
instinctual, and I was responding to that instinct, even though I was
a tiny little girl. 

I didn't know it until today, but the reason I was so bored with the
Trees guy was because he wasn't doing anything to make me feel good.


**** I have to get a bit more graphic here, sorry ***

I said in Child that the only time I felt uncomfortable was when he
was humping between my legs and his penis slipped and hit my vagina
head on (pun too good to pass up alert!) and that I felt intense
pressure for a few seconds before he realized what happened and
pulled away. Now, strange as it may seem, as I was typing that I
was applauding him, silently thanking him for having the control
to stop, when all it would have taken would be a a couple of quick,
powerful thrusts and he would have been inside me. I didn't say it
in the post, but I took that as another indication of how much he
cared for me, that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I actually
felt *kindly* toward him for that!

Today I looked at it from a different perspective and things look
very different indeed.

Suppose he had continued and penetrated me. All he would have had
to show for it would be a crying, hysterical, very injured, bleeding
girl and a warrant out for his arrest.

Not good. As said above, he had a willing little plaything and he
wasn't going to mess it up.

A thought and a memory: 

Thought:  What if he hadn't gotten caught? My point of view always
stopped at the point of me spilling the beans and, until today, I
never imagined a "what if" scenario. Did I imagine that he would
one day just *stop*? No, because I never thought about it. Today
I did. 

Memory:  I was lying (is that incorrect usage? I always forget. So
don't tell Ann Landers or my high school English teacher) down on
that ever-popular couch of his. (Strange that all my memories 
involve his couch and never, at least not yet, his bedroom) We were,
suprise!, naked. I was sucking my thumb and he was fingering me.
He was talking and he said "got to get you bigger" and I must have
thought he said "got to get you big girl" because I kind of pouted
and said "I *am* a big girl!" and he laughed and said something
like "sure you are." It's weird, I can hear what I thought he said
and what he actually did say. (Of course, common sense and an adult,
experienced, perspective helps.)


HE WAS PRIMING ME FOR INTERCOURSE!!! Just *TODAY* I realized that!

Jesus, how stupid could I have been all these years not to have known
that! Known that, had he not gotten caught, intercourse was the next
logical step. But he was patient, willing to wait. Getting me used
to having him on top of me. Getting me used to feeling something in
my vagina. Getting me used to pressure on my vagina. Stretching me.
It might have taken a few years more, but once the time was ready,
he would have done everythig in his power to make the first time
be as pain-free and pleasant as possible. If I didn't like it, I
wouldn't want to come back and let him do it again. And again.
And again. Until? I don't know, until I was old enough that he
wouldn't be interested in me anymore, I guess.

Maybe it's totally crazy. Maybe it's insane for me to be trying
to get inside the head of my abuser and think about what he 
*might* have been doing, but it all seems to fit.

If that scenario is true, and I think it is, then I take back
all the even remotely nice things I said about him in Child.
Even if he really liked me, that scenario makes him out to
be a most coldly calculating abuser. *He* was in it for the
long-term and he wanted to make sure that I was ready to 
handle *his* long-term goals. In essence, that made me nothing
more than a snug cunt ('scuse the language) to him.

Look ma, I'M PISSED OFF!!!

Goldberry, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that
your anger post was one of the most powerful things I've ever
read in my life, and your anger inspires me to liberate some of
my own now. THANK YOU!!!

I have no idea what to say or do now. Until today, all my anger has
been directed toward two of my other perps. (Cousin and Date Rape,
which I'll get to, hopefully ASAP, because I really need to spit
them out of my system.) I'm going to be confused for awhile. I'll
probably go Alaska because I don't know what to do with this new-
found anger. Luckily, I don't drink or do harmful drugs. I'm not
a cutter or a burner, and I can't even scream worth a shit (I've
tried, driving down the road all alone. It always comes out as a
silly little croak.) I don't harm other people or personal property
(mine or anybody else's) and I don't throw cats at walls. My anger,
by necessity, will have to be internalized (ugh, that sounds pompous  
and therapist-y) until I figure out what to do with it in a socially
acceptable way that doesn't include martial arts. (I'd bust my butt  
as sure as eggs is eggs. Scott, you should go for it though.)


I can't believe this has all happened in just a few days. ASAR *is*
great for self-therapy!

I gotta go to bed....

Where's my down coat, hat and gloves? :-)

 -vickie-

"I'll be digging in the dirt to find the places I got hurt. Open up the
 places I got hurt"   Peter Gabriel



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