From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: I know she takes me for granted, but...
Date: 16 Nov 92 18:22:14 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <1e5d68INNgue@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> ch617@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Brad Hill) writes:
>
>
>I have a friend who's very attractive, and often feels she getts
>attention because of it (it doesn't bother her, I don't think).
>I saw with that attitude, she probably wouldn't appreciate someone
>like me, who doesn't pay much attention to looks (I know girls who
>most people would agree with me are much better looking, and don't
>have this attitude).  
>
There is always at least one exceptional person for each rule, but
most people have desires which conflict between believing the other
person finds them physically attractive and that the other person is
attracted to their 'true self'. Even attractive people want to be
reassured that you find them attractive (but remember you have to
balance that with showing that you are not just interested in their
looks). 

If you enjoy being with someone, you can't help enjoying seeing them.
And if you enjoy seeing them, then convincing them that you find them
attractive usually just means being open about the fact that you enjoy
seeing them. It really doesn't matter why you enjoy seeing them, as
long as you can communicate that enjoyment.

>                      To be truthful, I believe I became her friend
>because she seemed so *lonely* and I thought could use one.  So, when
>she's down, I call to see how she's doing, tell her funny stories to
>make her laugh, send her cards telling her she's on my mind.  I've
>known her for over 2 years, and to this date she has not done a single
>thing in return.  I mean, one time I had a personal problem and started 
>telling her about it, and her response was:  "Well, I think I'm going to 
>go to sleep now." 
>
Ouch. That does sound bad.

>                  She tells me (usually over the phone) how she
>likes me more than "just about anyone else she can think of" when
>I try to tell her I'd rather not carry on this one-way friendship.
>
>I think she knows I'm a nice guy, but has no interest in reciprocating.
>She takes up a lot of my time and energy, and I really think there are
>much better ways to spend them, so what do I do about her?  It would
>be worth it if I would get a friend in return, but do you think there's
>a chance she'd change if I "not give up on her"?  This is exactly what I
>feel would happen if I cut her loose.
>
From what you have said, it does sound like you are stuck. But before
you give up, I would suggest you try something different. If you were
going to give up, what more do you have to lose? I can't give you any
great plans, but I can give you a few suggestions.

It sounds like you are doing a good job of being ingratiating. She
enjoys your attention. But she takes you for granted. You shouldn't
stop being pleasing but you should try to get her to stop taking you
for granted.

You can try to get her stop taking you for granted a couple of ways.
The first is to not be there all the time. I can't tell from you post,
but if you are always there for her, she will take you for granted.
Make a point to be somewhere else occasionally when she expects to see
or hear from you. 

The second is jealousy. You should go easy on this one, but if you want
to create the impression in her mind that you might be snapped up by
someone else at any time. Date other women (if you aren't already), and
let it drop in a gentlemanly way that you are dating other women, and
that you are enjoying it. You can combine this with the first
suggestion ('sorry, I can't see you but I have a date').

Also, it sounds like you could work on your attitude. I know you don't
want to hear it, and it is hard to change. But if you feel that what
you are giving her is not valuable, neither will she. You aren't being
a nice guy, you are taking care of some of her emotional needs for
free. Just because you are willing to do this does not mean that
everyone is. 

>Are nice guys nice because they get something out of giving, even when
>there's no return?
>
You can enjoy a one way relationship (think of a parent and child), but
only if you can really give up expectations of the relationship becoming
reciprocal. You can get a lot of satisfaction in giving, but not if 
you feel that by doing so, you are messing up a potential SO-type 
relationship. I don't think in this case you can expect to keep this
relationship one sided and keep it going, because you really want
something more.

Peace,
Michael.