HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: lib@cbnews.cb.att.com (Lib)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: HELP
Date: 5 Nov 92 19:46:51 GMT
Organization: AT&T

In article <Bx7K8K.3Bz@mach1.wlu.ca> macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod heather) writes:
>I'm really hoping that someone can help me with this, because I'm really
>afraid that my boyfriend of nearly four years and I will be through very
>soon without some help.
>First, a little background.  We are both 20 years old.  We met in high
>school, and were apart last year while we were at different universities.
>This year, however, I have transferred, and we are now in the same town.
>
>Here's the problem.  Although he says that he loves me, and that things
>would be very different for him if I weren't around, he never acts like it.
>He forgets to call me (which bothers me most when he's riding him bike which
>has no brakes home on a dark rainy night)  He always says he's sorry, and
>that things will change, but they never do.  I seem to be the last one he
>considers when he is planning his weekends or whatever.  He has been known
>to say he has to get off the phone so he can go play Nintendo with his
>roommates.
>
>As I write this, I can imagine the response I would give:  DUMP HIM!!  But I
>love him, and I know (in my head) that I loves me too.  It's just the
>emotional side of things that seems to be falling apart.  Sometimes, things
>work out so well together.  We've been together so long that we usually know
>how the other person will react to things, but lately he just seems so
>distant.  Am I about to be dumped?  I asked him, but he said no.  I want to
>get married, but he wants to wait until we're both out of school and have
>jobs.  (which will be another four-five years)
>
>PLEASE help me.  I love him more than I ever thought possible, and I am
>willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

  
Stick with it and try not to worry. Every relationship has little rough spots.
If this is the worst in four years you're doing OK. Compared to some
other people on this net you're in good shape.
From: slg@slgsun.att.com (The Idealistic Cynic)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: One couple/One Person?  (was Re: marital finances)
Date: 5 Nov 92 18:05:33 GMT
Article-I.D.: cbnewsl.1992Nov5.180533.15897
Distribution: na
Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Columbus, Ohio


(I tried posting this once before, but it looks like things screwed
up badly -- if you get this twice, I apologise.)


In article <92308.182342SIMCOEE@QUCDN.QueensU.CA> <SIMCOEE@QUCDN.QueensU.CA> writes:
>I just cannot understand the tenor of these postings.
>
>When you marry, you become ONE person - financially, emotionally, even
>physically (well... maybe on a good night).  What I mean to say is that
>you cease living like two separate entities facing the world apart -
>you begin to think like one person.

I'm curious.  Do a lot of other people feel like this?

I don't.  My wife and I are seperate entities who have chosen to live
our lives together, and have chosen to make a commitmant to each other
that we will stay together.  We love each other, and we share our lives
with each other in more ways than I can list or count.

We don't "think like one person" -- we think like two people commited
to each other's happiness and well-being.  And we face the world always
together; not as one person, but as two people committed to loving 
for as long as we can love.  We stand together, because it is being
together that makes us the happiest, and yet we stand together as
individuals, because it is her personality, her individuality that
caused me to love her when I began loving her.

For us to be one person would make us something less than we are.
Seperately, we are simply two people.  Together, we make something
stronger than we were apart, stronger than either of us could have
been as one person.

And yet, it is our individuality that makes us a strong couple.
It is our diverse interests, yet our similar beliefs.  Our strongly
different personalities that complement each other so well.  It is
our differences, our individualness, as much as our similarities
that brought us together and keep us in love.

So, no, my wife and I aren't one person.  We don't think like one person.
And I hope we never do.  I think if that happens we will have lost somthing,
not gained -- and I love my wife far too much to want that to happen.

Sean.

---
Sean L. Gilley
sean.l.gilley@att.com sgilley@cbnewsl[.cb].att.com
614 236 5031 (h), 614 860 5743 (w)
Don't lead, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind, we may lose sight of each other.
Walk beside me, my hand in yours, that we may face life together,
you and I.
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: jgacker@news.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: Re: HELP
Organization: Goddard Space Flight Center
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 20:28:04 GMT

Lib (lib@cbnews.cb.att.com) wrote:
: In article <Bx7K8K.3Bz@mach1.wlu.ca> macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod heather) writes:
: >I'm really hoping that someone can help me with this, because I'm really
: >afraid that my boyfriend of nearly four years and I will be through very
: >soon without some help.

[romantic dilemma deleted]


:Stick with it and try not to worry. Every relationship has little rough spots.
: If this is the worst in four years you're doing OK. Compared to some
: other people on this net you're in good shape.
: 

	Warning:  I sense this person may have his tongue glued to his
inner cheek lining.

	Jim Acker
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 12:39:20 EST
From: Sonja Kueppers <SEK@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Gibran
 <1992Nov13.093415.2285@gacvx2.gac.edu>

In article <1992Nov13.093415.2285@gacvx2.gac.edu>, censtad@dion.gac.edu
(Christopher B Enstad) says:

>Gibran on marriage is the ultimate reading.  And I do not think that it is
>cliche if you take it deeply and not have it read just for it's own sake.

I assume you are referring to the passage "Let there be spaces in your
togetherness."
I thought I'd provide an alternative viewpoint.

John and I do not wish to use the Gibran reading.  Not because it
is a cliche, but rather because we disagree with it.

The passage says that we should be like the pillars of a temple.
We dislike this image, because the pillars of the temple are
always apart from each other, always immobile, and unchanging.

Some of the other images in the reading are much more to our
liking, such as the one about the strings of a harp (lute, whatever)
and trees not overshadowing each other.

The business about not eating from the same loaf/drinking from the
same cup is also offensive to us.  While it may have lovely
spiritual meaning, on a practical level, we have every intention
of eating from the same loaf and drinking from the same cup (on
occasion, anyway...we don't often drink the same beverage!  :-)

So, this is why we do not like the Gibran reading.
-Sonja
------
SEK@psuvm.psu.edu SEK@PSUVM.BITNET
"In particular, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't marry my second
 wife again.  The best thing we had going for us was a good sexual
 relationship, and I've since learned that it's not too hard to find
 those."                            --Walt Haas, a net.personality
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Gibran
From: censtad@dion.gac.edu (Christopher B Enstad)
Date: 13 Nov 92 09:34:14 -0600

In article <1992Nov11.201303.14177@mail.cornell.edu>  writes:
> In article <1992Nov10.063121.15911@wam.umd.edu> Dreaming,
> sorsha@wam.umd.edu writes:
> >Try Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet"; there are some great sections in
> >there...
> 
> Although most people who officiate at weddings will tell you that this  
is
> probably the ultimate in cliches for those trying to be different.  Some
> of the readings looked interesting to me, but the reactions of people I
> mentioned it to meade it clear that the message I was after wouldn't be
> made by The Prophet.  (I got the same reaction to the white tux idea  
:-))

Gibran on marriage is the ultimate reading.  And I do not think that it is  
cliche if you take it deeply and not have it read just for it's own sake.
Xref: sparky soc.couples:4147 soc.singles:29956
From: squire@acsu.buffalo.edu (Debora Squire)
Newsgroups: soc.couples,soc.singles
Subject: Re: marital counciling
Date: 6 Nov 92 17:48:11 GMT
Article-I.D.: acsu.BxB2sC.MKF
Distribution: usa
Organization: State University of New York at Buffalo/Comp Sci

In article <Bwn80r.ACx@nic.umass.edu> s1006420@titan.ucc.umass.edu (If you want peace work for justice) writes:
>
>>In  <1992Oct23.130622.10198@gca.com>  seymour@gca.com (Brian Seymour) writes:
>>>
>>> we are going to seek counciling, but i doubt that it will help.
>>
>Vera writes:
>As with any kind of therapy, the choice of therapist is very important
>because there are as many different therapists as there are people.
>Don't settle for anybody, choose someone you feel comfortable with,
>that you trust and that makes sense in what they say to you. Use your
>intuition and don't be fooled just by any recommendation. Certainly
>you will have to take into account how your espouse feels about it too.
>

My question:  how do you "choose" a therapist/counselor?  Open up the
phone book and let your fingers do the walking?  I know that you could
ask a friend, but then that would probably involve explaining what's going
on that would cause you to seek counseling.

For the record, I am not seeking counseling at this point, but there was
 a time in my life where counseling would have helped me get through some
very painful times.

Thanks.
--deb
From: meltsner@crd.ge.com (Kenneth J. Meltsner)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: marital finances
Date: 6 Nov 92 21:21:31 GMT
Reply-To: meltsner@crd.ge.com
Distribution: usa
Organization: GE Research and Development Center



Everyone's different.  My wife and I have joint checking and savings
accounts.  At this point, the money isn't rolling in from her
activities (she's a writer), but I've seen several cases where, after
several decades, the income from old works can be substantial.  I
figure a joint account now will simplify accounting for many years to
come.

We do have separate credit cards.  I don't want Janice to lose all
credit if I get hit by a bus.  It's also handy when the bank
authorization is screwed up -- one day her card stopped working but
mine didn't.  They're both fee-free and so the backup doesn't cost us
anything (except for a 29 cent stamp each month).

Janice is responsible for our checkbook.  I'm a bit dyslexic and she
doesn't trust me with it.  I do the taxes; after two decades of
programming, even IRS jargon is fairly comprehensible.

But remember: everyone is different.  Try as hard as possible to find
a strategy that will make both of you happy.  If there are
independence fears, get a joint checking account with separate
savings, perhaps.  Or vice-versa.

===============================================================================
Ken Meltsner                        | meltsner@crd.ge.com (518) 387-6391
GE Research and Development Center  | Fax:  (518) 387-6474
P.O. Box 8, Room KWD270		    | Nothing I say should be attributed
Schenectady, NY 12301               | to my employer, and probably vice-versa
Bookcase Progress: **********-------------------------------------------------|
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: sbp@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (Sue Price)
Subject: Re: Readings for Wedding
Organization: AT&T
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 20:28:52 GMT

In article <1dmg27INNkcu@west.West.Sun.COM> matthews@tachyon.West.Sun.COM writes:
>Try "Gift from the Sea," by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.  I read a section from
>this book at my own wedding.  It's well worth reading, even if not at your 
>wedding.
>
>-- gail matthews

I can second this.  I was at a wedding where an excerpt of this book 
was read.  It dealt with the tide coming in and going out, and how that
was the natural order of things, and not to be fought or feared. I'm 
paraphrasing big-time here, but the analogy to human relationships was
very moving.

I wanted to recommend this book to the original poster, but I could only 
remember the author, not the title.  I'm glad someone has recommended it.

-- 

Sue Price
sbp@hound.att.com

Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: sorsha@wam.umd.edu (Dreaming)
Subject: Re: Readings for Wedding
X-Dogcow: moof
Reply-To: sorsha@wam.umd.edu (Dreaming)
Organization: snarfing shameless liberals inc.
X-Clarification: sharing account with fiancee until mine comes up
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 06:31:21 GMT


Try Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet"; there are some great sections in
there, none of which we can remember at the moment... :-)

-- 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Send burnt offerings to....."If love is a grenade,.........Ahead groove......
..sorsha@wam.umd.edu......I'll pull the pin." B-52's....factor five! -Holly..
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
From: markc@eomer.hw.stratus.com (Mark Christensen)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Wediquette
Date: 6 Nov 92 20:39:17 GMT
Organization: Stratus Computer, Inc.

In article <9211061513.AA15196@uicsl.csl.uiuc.edu> mary@uicsl.csl.uiuc.edu (Mary E. Allison) writes:
>I think I like the word Wediquette :^).
>
>I have a wedding ediquette question which I haven't found in any of
>the "books" yet and maybe you guys could save me yet another trip to
>the library.  (And those people thought they saw me a lot BEFORE I was
>engaged). 
>
>ANYWAY - I know that traditionally there are a number of people that
>stand in the receiving line -- and I won't list out all the options
>but every list I've seen seems to include the mother (or stepmother or
>adopted mother) of the bride.
>
>WHO stands in the receiving line when the bride has no parents or
>parential substitutes?
>
I'm not positive but I believe the groom's parent and groom's and
bride's grandparents also stand in the receiving line.  If you
have no parents (natural, step, adoptive) then I assume that they
just are not part of line.  I do not believe there is a substitute
unless you have legal guardian or godparents which you may include.

mc
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: J032300@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM
Subject: Re: Weight problems between couples
Organization: Lockheed Missiles & Space Company, Inc.
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 92 17:06:10 GMT

That depends - Jim. What am I looking at??

Lori
------------------------- Original Article -------------------------
From: jim@jimmc.chi.il.us (Jim McNicholas)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Weight problems between couples
Date: 6 Nov 92 01:42:57 GMT
Article-I.D.: jimmc.ayNsTB4w165w
Reply-To: jim@jimmc.chi.il.us (Jim McNicholas)
Organization: Prime Time Productions Aurora, Illinois

J032300@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM writes:

> Society places a lot of pressure on women re: weight.
> I've heard the theory that I call the 'contented cow.'  If woman is
> happy, she is fat.  If she slims down, that means she is looking.  I
> disagree.  The most important thing is to feel good about yourself!
> No matter what your weight. You cannot lose weight, gain weight, quit
> smoking/drinking - whatever your vice for someone else.  You must do
> it for yourself.
> Having recently lost 10 pounds to get back to my high school weight, I
> can relate!
> Lori
The question is Lori does this mean your looking? :-}


--
____________________________________________________________________________
|jim@jimmc.chi.il.us   |   ...And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft wet  |
|Prime Time Productions| kisses that last three days...good night...OH MY! |
|Aurora, IL. 60504     |        -crash davis to annie savoy in BULL DURHAM-|
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
From: dcovell@hfglobe.intel.com (David Covell)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: How to avoid Abusive Men?!
Date: 9 Nov 92 20:24:05 GMT
Organization: Intel Corporation

jane_b1@verifone.com writes:
>Needless to say, I am getting real tired of abusive men. And no, my father
>never abused me in any way, shape or form. Any ideas on spotting and avoiding
>them in the future? 

First of all, take heart: there are plenty of us out here who would never do
such a thing.
Secondly, I doubt there's any sure way to be absolutely certain that a man
will never become abusive, but I think there are some good indicators that
will help screen out the ones that are most likely to.

#1 -  How does he behave around other men? If he's learned to use violence to
    "resolve" conflict with men in any case other than self-defence then the 
    strong possibility exists that he may use it with women also, though he
    may require what he considers to be greater provocation. Aggressive
    driving, verbal threats, "macho" behavior and posturing all are warning
    signs you should not ignore.

#2 -  How do his male friends treat him? If they're overly deferential it
    may indicate they know he has a bad temper and a tendency to violence.

#3 -  If he owns pets, how does he treat them? How do they treat him? Some
    men (and women) use their pets (dogs, mostly) as outlets for their
    aggression and frustrated authority. If he abuses his pets or seems to
    enjoy the feeling of total control over them, watch out! If the pet cowers
    when he approaches (or raises his voice) you should beware.
    If he has a large dog such as a rottweiler and takes pride in his dog's
    toughness, he may be compensating for his own lack of perceived toughness.
    Watch out for this guy!

#4 -  How about his past girlfriends? If you have the opportunity, you may
    want to have a talk with them. I realize this isn't often a possibility,
    but you might check it out. If he was abusive to them, there's no reason
    to believe he won't be to you also.

#5 -  Finally, you might want to consider engineering a scenario that will
    provoke him a little and see how he reacts. I'm not talking about anything
    really serious; you shouldn't have to go very far beyond the irritation
    stage in order to gauge his response. If he displays signs such as
    tightened fists to a mild verbal conflict, look out! Some men simply
    can't stand a woman's disagreement with their cherished opinions, and
    this should show up rather easily.                

We wish you the best.
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: wkb@cbnews.cb.att.com (wm.keith.brummett)
Subject: Re: Pre-marriage help
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 20:10:21 GMT


    In article <1992Nov5.170255.4856@exu.ericsson.se>, exudtn@exu.ericsson.se
    (Derek Nelson, xt-dL) writes:
    > ...
    > 2) Involve the groom as much as possible.  ...


    Say what?  I got a list and the words "here, pay for this".  All I
    wanted to do was pick the recessional music, but did I get to?  One
    little song!  But, no, "Karma Kameleon is not appropriate".  Sheesh.
    One minute out of the whole day and they deny me ...


    > 3) Don't let others tell you how to conduct a ceremony.  It's YOUR
    >    day do it the way you want.


    Geez, what planet are you from?  Everyone knows that wedding days belong
    to the mothers-in-law.  The bride and groom are, at best, hired help.
    If I'd put up any more of a fuss, I would probably have had my
    invitation revoked.  I did get to choose the color of my tux, though,
    as long as it was black.

    :-)   <-- for the humor-impaired.

    -- Keith

-- 
    | (614) 860-3187         Copyright (C) 1992, by       AT&T, Room 3B202 |
    | att!cblph!wkb  or,     W.K. Brummett and AT&T      6200 E. Broad St. |
    | wkb@cblph.att.com       All rights reserved.      Columbus, OH 43213 |
    `----------------------------------------------------------------------'
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: linda@wendy.net.com (Linda Hill)
Subject: Re: One couple/One Person?  (was Re: marital finances)
Organization: Network Equipment Technologies
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 15:46:49 GMT

In article <1992Nov5.180533.15897@cbnewsl.cb.att.com> slg@slgsun.att.com (The Idealistic Cynic) writes:
>
>In article <92308.182342SIMCOEE@QUCDN.QueensU.CA> <SIMCOEE@QUCDN.QueensU.CA> writes:
>>When you marry, you become ONE person - financially, emotionally, even
>>physically (well... maybe on a good night).  What I mean to say is that
>>you cease living like two separate entities facing the world apart -
>>you begin to think like one person.
>
>I'm curious.  Do a lot of other people feel like this?
>
>I don't.  My wife and I are seperate entities who have chosen to live
>our lives together, and have chosen to make a commitmant to each other
>that we will stay together.  We love each other, and we share our lives
>with each other in more ways than I can list or count.
[rest deleted]
>
>Sean L. Gilley
>sean.l.gilley@att.com sgilley@cbnewsl[.cb].att.com

I think it's a little of both.  I agree that we remain individual
personalities, but I think that when the two of us are working
towards a tangible goal, then, financially at least, we work as one.
I think that may be what the first poster was trying to say in support
of the totally combined finances option.  If you are both working
towards achieving something together, then why the need for seperate
finances?  In our case every expenditure impacts our shared goal, so
it's natural (and not necessarily argumentative) for us to discuss any
out of allowance personal expenses that come up.  It may seem like
personal sacrifice, but when we look at the bigger picture, it isn't
at all.
-- 
Linda V. Hill                           Email: linda@net.com
Network Equipment Technologies          Phone: (415) 780-5785
800 Saginaw Drive, 23.2.3               Fax:   (415) 780-5001
Redwood City, CA 94063
From: MOSTERBE@cmsa.gmr.com
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: HELP
Date: 5 Nov 92 15:43:38 GMT
Organization: GM Research Labs

In article <Bx7K8K.3Bz@mach1.wlu.ca>
macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod heather) writes:

>
>(stuff deleted)
When you're in a relationship that doesn't get your basic needs met, it's not
healthy (mentally/emotionally) for you to stay in that relationship.  Did you
ever consider "dumping" him?  I'm sure that's about the last thing he would
expect from you because you're so "needy".  I don't mean to flame you.  I'm
just trying to encourage you to think more of yourself.  You are a worthwhile
person and have your whole life ahead of you.  You would be a real "catch" for
someone who truly cares about you, because obviously you're a one-man women and
such loyalty isn't easy to find in this day and age.

I sense you don't really love him "more than you thought possible." But rather
love him possessively because you've plugged into him emotionally and feel if
you become "unplugged" you won't be able to function.  I know what I'm talking
about because I have loved people like you love this person and I can tell you
it's not healthy.

Sounds like he could even be your "first love" and those are always hardest to
get over.  Have you thought of having some type of counseling with a therapist?
I don't mean to be unkind or judgemental.  I'm only telling you these things
because I'm probably much older than you are and I have travelled the road you
are on.  Best of luck to you.  Let us know how you're doing.  Remember, you
are valuable and have much to offer someone.  If you current partner doesn't
realize this (actions speak louder than words .. talk is cheap) YOU DUMP HIM.
What do you have to lose?  You aren't happy with how he treats you.  Don't
settle for that kind of treatment.  You don't deserve it. You just might open
his eyes to what he does have.  Guys like a challenge, they want to feel they
have someone that other people want.  If you're too much of a sure thing, they
get bored and take you for granted.  Good luck!
Maureen

Newsgroups: soc.couples