From: lydick@SOL1.GPS.CALTECH.EDU (Speaker-to-Minerals)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
Date: 10 Nov 1992 06:01:43 GMT
Organization: HST Wide Field/Planetary Camera
Reply-To: lydick@SOL1.GPS.CALTECH.EDU
NNTP-Posting-Host: sol1.gps.caltech.edu

          A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
                     by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we  applaud  the  recent  trend  towards
legislation  that  requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the  cautionary
thought  that  such  warnings,  however  well-intentioned,  merely scratch the
surface of  what  is  really  necessary  in  this  important  area.   This  is
especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we  join  together
in  an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for
sale  in the United States of America.  Our suggested list of warnings appears
below.

WARNING:  This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING:  This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in  the  Universe,
Including  the  Products  of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the  Distance  Between
Them.

CAUTION:  The Mass of This  Product  Contains  the  Energy  Equivalent  of  85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE:  This Product Contains Minute  Electrically  Charged
Particles  Moving  at  Velocities  in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE:  Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY:  There is an Extremely Small but  Nonzero  Chance  That,  Through  a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its
Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the  Universe,  Including
Your  Neighbor's  Domicile.   The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE:  According to Certain Suggested Versions  of
the  Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT:  In the Unlikely Event  That  This  Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW:  Any Use of  This  Product,  in  Any  Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.  Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned  That  This  Process  Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE:  The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together  by  a
"Gluing"  Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION:  Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents  Found  Hereon,  the
Consumer   is   Advised   That,   in   Actuality,  This  Product  Consists  Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER:   The  Manufacturer  May  Technically  Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the Consumer
Is Reminded  That  This  Confers  No  Legal  Rights  Above  and  Beyond  Those
Applicable  to  Three-Dimensional  Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE:  Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer  Is
Not  Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE:  The Subatomic  Particles  (Electrons,  Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect
as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,  and  No  Claim  to  the
Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING:  Care Should Be Taken When Lifting  This  Product,  Since  Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:  The Entire Physical Universe, Including  This
Product,  May  One  Day  Collapse  Back  into  an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This  Product
in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.