From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Emotional Letter
Date: 9 Oct 92 12:12:05 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Origionally when I wrote the following letter, I was going to just throw it in
the trash heap, since it seems that many of my posts here lately have been just
about as usefull...

But I ended up breaking down WHILE writing the letter.  And I commented on it
during the breakdown.  Maybe someone out there could shed some light on this
for me...  Or show understanding... Or...

--------

Greetings, Salutations, and other assorted opening statements,

(Well, it's different from "Hiho" which I usually use.)

Odd, I crack jokes when I feel like crying.  Can't say I undestand that one.

The emotional pit I keep mentioning -- I think some of it did bleed off
(finally!) when I gave Darlene those 2 letters, and ended in tears.  But there
still is a *LOT* more to bleed off.  But how?  What the fuck do >I< want?  Why
can't I think streight anymoe?  Or take these problems seriously on an
intellectual level?  And why can't I bring myself to mail copies of this off to
the shrink?

Sometimes when I write these things, I'm laughing inside while writing about
pain.  Or I'm crying inside while being humorous about what happens.  I don't
get it!

One reason I'm keeping on posting this shit, is because there are times I get
obvious answers pointed out to me, that I've forgotten about.  (Can you say
run-on sentance?  I'm just writing the thoughts that form in my head...)

Damni, what can I do now?  I feel like I should be doing something about these
emotions!  I've gotten a deeper understanding that I've had before, but what do
I do with that knowledge?

A thought -- when Darlene first told me in no unspecific

[Fly Swatting Spree - Work is infested, and bugging me to all hell]

DAMN FLIES!  At least it gives me a vent for anger I didn't know I had until
now.  Wonder where it came from?

[Another anti-fly round while I get more and more pissed off]

Can't even kill a single one -- did trash an entire Chicago Tribune, and
damaged my foot in the process though.

Christ, I haven't felt this much hatred in YEARS!

(Excuse me while I calm down)

Cripes, I just had a long cry.  First I almost couldn't because I felt to
joyous that it was surfacing!  :/  Then just "Why?  Why Me?  Why?  Why?  Why?"
was going through my head.

Does any of this make sence to anyone?  If so, please explain it to me!  (I'm
soooo confused!) (And where the hell is that line from?)

                        Krikket

---------

In typing that in, I don't see the emotion that I was feeling at the time. 
When I said "crying" take that to be "long sobs with tears rolling down my
face", and other approperiate adjectives to add approperiate emotion...

I'm just feeling lost in this world of emotion, and I wish I could just give
up.  (Not suicide, just give up all emotion.)

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|Krikket             |  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us  | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E.!
|a.k.a Doug Krick    | NOTICE: Your milage may vary |  Suite 246             !
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