From: an827@anon.penet.fi
Subject: A SCREAM in from the DARK
Organization: Anonymous contact service
X-Anonymously-To: alt.transgendered
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1993 03:19:53 GMT

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE GETTING -A-N-Y-W-H-E-R-E- WITH HELP IN THE U.K. FOR
TRANSSEXUALISM WITH THE N.H.S.

THIS IS A LAST PLEA FOR HELP.

Please send any replies to csc280@lancaster.ac.uk as unfortunately
although I organised with UKNet to start allowing alt.transgendered
into this country after a lot of work, out University seem to block
it out or haven't set it up right, and don't seem to want to listen
to my requests to get it fixed/un-filtered - so I still can't
recieve alt.transgendered by easy means.

I consider myself to be T.S.  This is going to be a very concieted, morbid,
strong, probably somewhat rude, post.  Its effectively my last plea for
help; its all I've got left now.  I know its self-centred, but
I'm at my end [again.]  I'm on an extra-high dose of anti-depressants,
which for the 2nd time are begining to wear thin.......

I am 22.  Have completed 2 years of an Engineering degree course.
I have spent the last 5/6 years severly depressed, just generally
depressed before then... the previous years of my life were spent
out of most social activity ill with Crohns disease, so I don't have
much social experience of the world I guess!  The last year was spent
in industry in a large corporate set-up, whilst living with 4
men, 2 of which spent there time intimidating me because I wasn't trying
very hard to act 'male'  I didn't understand I was TS then, but I've
always known that I didn't fit.  At IBM, wearing suits etc, I KNEW
I didn't fit.  I've tried to cope with the depression now I've come
back to University because I am currently on anti-depressants.

Unfortunately I couldn't hold out, so I have had to give up and will
possibly start the year again next year.  The latest I can delay
re-starting the year is October '94.  I really practically need to
have transitioned before I go back to Univeristy for that last year,
as I will not be able (for technical reasons) transition whilst
doing the last year.

I am somewhat mentally very unstable and just about incapable of looking
after myself in this current state.  The university administration have
made a series of minor cock-ups that has resulted in the fact that I will
not recieve the required letter I will need to claim benifits (that
states I am no longer a student) until 4th January.  I have rent
etc. paid up until the 7th of January on campus, but obviously will
have to move out then.  I have no money (infact at this moment I am
now 100 pounds in dept with no means other than to start selling stuff
I own to pay it off)  The benefits, when I can finally apply for them,
will take some time to arrive.  I cannot start to look for housing
until I can find out how much housing benefit I can claim and therefore
what rent I can afford!  Catch 22 situation.  The bank have agreed
to lend me another 100 pounds but I doubt they'll lend any more as I
don't have any means of paying it off at the moment, I certainly
wouldn't be able to hold down a job in my mental state at the moment.
This gives me 3 days to find a place to live in, move - but without
any money to do so - no money for deposite, a rent, food etc.
I can't really return home as my parents (in South of England) are
getting rather skint because of the economic climate, and I think
thier situation is somewhat worse than they are saying (I think
my father is about to be made reduntant.)  I had to obviously
spent all the money my parents sent to me for a xmas present
on paying off the overdraft.  Xmas dinner in my room on campus
on my own was 3 sandwiches and a little chocolate this year.

I've been through all the possibilities I know of.  I've contacted the
TV/TS Support Group U.K. (unfortunately that is in London and I'm in
the top of the North-West in Lancaster) - no use to me at this distance
apparently and they require a 30pounds membership fee (I'm somewhat in debt),
and the helpline featured a very rude person at the other end who was
completely upsetting in nature, certainly never a help (I phoned in a good,
pleasant mood.)  The Beaumont Society, no response from the letters I sent
to them.  I've talked with my local G.P., nice enough guy.  Assessment
for general psychotherapy, perhaps I will reach the top of the waiting
list for the psychotherapy in another 6 or so months (approximate size of the
waiting list given to me by doctor.)  I talked with a general psych* type
(who it now appears was one of the 'bad' ones) whilst I was working
with IBM in a hellish industrial year in Portsmouth last year, I talked
with the G.P. there.  I've talked with the G.P. at my parents home.
All anyone wants to do is to fill me with anti-depressants, find a problem
that isn't TS related, and send me away.  They listen partially to the 
TS difficulties, but the just don't know what they are supposed to do
about it.

As far as I can see I have fought, kicked, screamed my way along; debated,
asked, pleaded, screamed at all I knew that I should contact.

All to no avail.

I attempted to commit suicide 2 (or was it 3 weeks ago.)  I didn't mean
it as a threat, I ment it in sincerity.  I took the months supply of
anti-depressants in one go with a swig, locked myself in my room
that I knew no-one would be visiting for days, and finished a book I
had been reading (well I couldn't leave it unread.)  I tried my wrists
originally, but realised that would be rather messy and slow, and it
is hard to do effectively (unfortunately pain stops you doing the cuts
properly; so you just end up a mess and not actually dying.)

Unfortunately I woke up in the morning.  Unfortunately the anti-depressants
I am on are one of the few that are not necessarily fatal when taken in
overdose, although obviously I didn't realise that at the time.  I realised
eventually that the only sensible option now was to get in touch with
medical services - I wasn't dead and it looked like I wasn't actually
going to die because of this so it seemed sensible that I get myself
rehabilitated and think again about all of this later.

I was seen by a campus nurse and taken into casualty by ambulance, and
spent the next few days in hospital being checked up.  I was asked why
I had done what I had done, and answered the questions completely honestly.
Eventually they decided it would be okay to let me go, but I had to be
checked up by a psychiatrist first.

Of course none were available, so another junior doctor (a g.p. in training)
also somewhat overworked (one working with they guy who had been treat me I had
seen starting work approx. 7:30am in the morning and was still going by
approx. 1-2am) was sent to spend some time chatting to me; the idea
being that they had to be sure that I would not do this again as they
were certain I hadn't done it as a cry-for-help but as an actual attempt.
He announced that he didn't KNOW WHAT TO DO but would find out how I
can obtain treatment for the transsexual situation and get back to me,
and in the mean time he would set up sessions with a psychiatrist to
help control the depression between now and when something starts
being done about the transsexual predicament.  Because of my social
situation, with regards to housing etc, he said he'd organise a
social worker to help me... all of these details would arrive to
me in the post.

Eventually a letter turned up, it took time to get to me because my
name had 2 spelling mistakes in it (its only 7 letters long for
heavens sake.)  It was from the psyciatric social services asking
me to call them and arrange an appointment for help with my situation.
I called them this week.  Unfortunately the social worker isn't
here this week, and is on holiday next week as well.  I will be chucked
out of my room on the 7th... the social worked doesn't even get back
from his holiday until the 11th.

I still have heard nothing regarding the psyciatric depression help and
absolutely no details regarding any future details or help for my
transsexualism situation.  It seems that was an empty promise of
something that administration couldn't actually fulfill, or just another
administration mistake where all of this has been lost (just like
my complete set of 6 or so years of medical notes regarding the Crohns'
disease that I had suffered - thanks administration at St.Bartholemews
hospital - thats all those years of work and research of the problem
waisted - I am pretty much treating the condition myself now.)

This is my last plea I am going to make.  I don't quite know why I am
going as far as writing this note, I guess its another piece of hope
that was created from the promises of the doctors in the hospital and
stayed.  I don't know what 'fuel' I've been running on since I tried
to commit suicide last, I seem to be running on an empty 'tank'/mind.
I was completely worn out then, why else would I have done it?  I am
becoming right near to that stage again.  I've done everything I have
the mental hope/enthusiam/energy to do.

I will reach that point again by next
Friday, or possibly earlier if I've not found a house or managed to
pursuade the university to let me stay in my room longer.

Whatever happens I will attempt to keep going until then.  Unless I
have some form of TRANSSEXUAL RELATED professional councilling and
some hope of sorting my body and mind out within the next few comming
years I will not bother to attempt to carry on past that point again.

I have been living on borrowed time.  It did show to me how precious
life could be, but it doesn't seem to be for me any more.  I shouldn't
be here any more, and probably won't be by next Friday; it is only
by an extrememly unlucky coincidence that I -am- still here now.

If this plea in the end is not successfull: then I guess this will
serve as an electronic epitath, and yet another of the large list
of cases where the 'so well respected across the world' N.H.S. has completely
failed again, not because of the will of the people, but yet again
simply because of the resources.  *HUGS* To all on alt.transgendered/TRANSGEN/
CD-Forum/#Crossdress..... and real massive Biggy hugs to Mum Barbara,
Sister Kathy, and Zowie/Gloria - all of which I've never wanted to ever
hurt; and damned well wouldn't have if I had taken the 'right' tablets
rather than the harmless ones last time.



I know this is nasty, self-centered, self-pitying etc.  But I really am at my
mental end now and I can't think of anything else left to do.

Lots of Love 'n' Hugs,
             Julie  XXXXX

              (IRC=Julie-B E-Mail=csc280@lancaster.ac.uk)

*****************************************************************************
* From a keyboard somewhere in England caressed by Juliet Guenevere Brandon *
*  and her teddies Bert the Bouncer Bear-Belly Bitter Bear (A Glare Bear)   *
*    Bertie the most cute lovable hugable hippo in the whole wide world     *
*    an' Fylde the little smiler who helps me through those awful exams     *
*****************************************************************************
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