From: igo@sparc27.hri.com (Frederick J. Igo)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks
Subject: Re: ALBERT IS THE MAN !
Date: 7 Apr 92 16:17:37 GMT
Article-I.D.: bigbird.6222
Reply-To: igo@hri.com
Organization: Horizon Research, Inc.


In article <AdsG_Ka00awK02nV1Q@andrew.cmu.edu>, jsbt+@andrew.cmu.edu
(Joshua Paul Smith) writes:
> Just curious if anyone has some good quotes from Albert. I remember
> watching it last year when he was spewing somthing about the love and 
> compassion  he has for the human race. I don't remember it word for word
> or any word for that matter, it just made an impression at the time. Any
> other quotes would be welcome.
>     -Josh-       8>}

I've collected quite a few TP qoutes from alt.tv.twin-peaks.  Here are some 
of Albert's.  Many of these have already been posted by various poeple in
various forms.  The number in parens is the episode number.  I haven't had the 
time to tie all quotes to an episode.  The filename after the ">" is the 
SparcStation sound file I use to play the particular quote.  

I beleive the quotes are fairly accurate, however, no guarantees are given.
If you find a mistake, please don't hesitate to let me know.


        "Great.  After the square dance maybe we can all take a hay ride."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2001)
             >after_the_squaredance.au

        "I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >the_happy_generations.au

        "Oh, the world's most decrepit room-service waiter remembers nothing
         out of the ordinary about the night in question, no surprise there."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >TWMDRSW.au

        "You tell me, vigilante justice or just clean coutry living?"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2001)
             >clean_country_living.au

        "Look, it's trying to think."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >trying_to_think.au

        "While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is I am a
         nay-sayer and a hatchet man in the fight against violence!  I
         pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another
         because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and
         King!  My concerns are _global_.  I reject absolutely revenge,
         aggression, and retaliation.  The foundation of such a method...
         is love.  I love you, Sheriff Truman.
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >I_love_you,_Sheriff_Truman.au

        "And it's another great moment in law enforcement history."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2001)
             >great_moment_in_law_enforcement.au

        "I've got compassion running out of my
         nose, pal.  I'm the sultan of sentiment."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >compassion.au

        "Senor Drool Cup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >senor_drool_cup.au

        "I think it's going terrifically well, don't you?"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist
             >I_think_it_s_going_terrifically.au

        "Farmer's Almanac??"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2001)

        "...either Josie Packard pulled the trigger or she's loaning her
         winterwear to the wrong kind of people."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Cooper, I do not suffer fools gladly, and fools with badges never!"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Okay, confining my conclusions to the planet Earth..."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Cooper, an observation.  I don't know where this is headed, but the
         only one of us with the coordinates for this destination in his
         hardware is you.  Go on whatever vision quest you require.  Stand on
         the rim of the volcano, stand alone and do your dance.  Just find
         this beast before he takes another bite."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2009)

        "Has anyone seen BOB on earth in the past few weeks?"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Currently appearing at the Calhoun Memorial Hospital as
         Mr. Potato Head."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "People saw BOB...People saw him in visions... Laura, Maddie, Sarah"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Maybe that's all BOB is... the evil that men do."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Just bust the bitch"
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Welcome to amateur hour."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Get a life, punk."
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist (2015)

        "Mr. Horne, I recognize that your position in this fair community
         necessitates venality, insincerity, and a certain irritating manner
         of expressing yourself.  Stupidity, however, is not a necessarily
         inherent trait.  Therefore, please listen closely--You can have a
         funeral any old time.  You dig a hole, you plant a coffin.  I,
         however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next
         week or even tomorrow--I must perform them now."
         <drill noise--VEEP VEEP!>
        "I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so
         please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling!"
         <Puts drill to Laura's forehead and starts drilling....>
         <Harry slugs Albert>
          -- Albert Rosenfield, FBI Forensic Specialist

        "Your former partner flew the coop,... Coop.
         He escaped.  Vanished into thin air."
        "That's not good."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper
             >your_former_partner.au

        "I know Andy.  I know.  I know.  I know.  It's what we call
         a real three hanky crime."
        "Albert Roserfeld, I don't like the way you talk smart about
         Sheriff Truman or anybody.  You just shut your mouth!"
        <Slam>
          -- Agent Rosenfield and Deputy Brennan
             >A_real_three_hankie_crime.au

        "Meanwhile, one of your suspects is killed in his hospital bed,
         and the other is shot in his living room.  You tell me, vigilante
         justice, or just clean country living?"
        "Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come
         from?"
        "I'll have to get back to you on that."
        "Well, if you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis, I
         suggest you make some kind of peace with a rural life."
        "Great.  After the square dance maybe we can all take a hay ride."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper (2001)

        "Agent Cooper, I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came
         to King Hohoho.  I really am, but right now I am trying hard
         to focus on the more immediate problems of our own century,
         right here in Twin Peaks."
        "Albert, you'd be surprised at the connections between the two."
        "Color me amazed."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper

        "Who shot me, Albert?"
        "My men are interrogating the hotel guests, the usual bumper crop
         of rural know-nothings and drunken fly-fishermen.  Nothing so far.
         Oh, the world's most decrepit room-service waiter remembers nothing
         out of the ordinary about the night in question, no surprise there.
         Senor Droolcup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper

        "I performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault.  Stomach contents
         revealed, let's see, beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half
         a bicycle tire, a goat, and a small wooden puppet.  Goes by
         the name of Pinocchio."
        "You're making a joke!"
        "I like to think of myself as one of the Happy Generation."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper

        "How do you feel?"
        "Me?"
        "I believe it's customary to ask after the health of one recently
         plugged three times."
        "Thanks for asking."
        "Don't get sentimental."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper

        "Oh yeah?  Well, I've had about enough of morons and
         halfwits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells--and you
         chowderhead yokel, you blithering hayseed, you--you've
         had enough of me?"
          -- Agent Rosenfield to Sheriff Truman

        "Breathe."
        *sigh*
        "Again."
        *sigh*
        "Okay.  You were shot by a right-handed person, 5'6 to 5'10" tall, at
         a distance of less than three feet.  I'll have ballistics later this
         afternoon."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper (2001)

        "Coop, about the uniform."
        "Yes, Albert?"
        "Usually, replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie
         for the casual indifference of these muted earthtones is a form
         of fashion suicide.  But, call me crazy, on you it works."
          -- Agents Rosenfield and Cooper

	"Good work Andy."  
	"Yeah, WOOF."
	  -- Agents Cooper and Rosenfield 
	     >good_work_Andy.au

	"Albert, where does this attitude of general 
	 unpleasantness come from?"
	"I'll have to get back to you on that."
	  -- Agent Cooper and Rosenfield (2001)
	     >I_ll_have_to_get_back_to_you.au

	"Andy, how's the nose?"
	"Not a mark on it; only blood squirted out."
	"Where do they keep his water dish?"
	  -- Agent Cooper, Deputy Brennan and Agent Rosenfield (2001)
	     >how_s_the_nose.au

	"I have only been in Twin Peaks a short time, but in that time I have
	 seen decency, honor and dignity.  Murder is not a faceless event here;
	 it is not a statistic to be tallied up at the end of the day.  Laura
	 Palmer's death has affected each and every man, woman and child,
	 because life has meaning here, every life.  That's a way of living I
	 thought had vanished from the Earth, but it hasn't, Albert; it's right
	 here in Twin Peaks."
	"Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms."
	  -- Agents Cooper and Rosenfield

	"Bobby Briggs."
	"What's he doing here?"
	"He doesn't look sick."
	"Sheriff Truman, to see this kind of investigative genius at
	 work, it's just a real treat for me."
	  -- Sheriff Truman, Cooper, Truman again, and Rosenfield (2001)

	"Anything we should be working on?"
	"Yeah, try not dragging your knuckles on the ground when you walk!"
	  -- Sheriff Truman and Agent Rosenfield

	"You saw a giant?"
	"Yes."
	"Any relation to the dwarf?"
	  -- Sheriff Truman, Agent Cooper and Agent Rosenfield


--
Frederick J. Igo                                            igo@hri.com
Horizon Research, Inc.                                   (617) 466-8300

"Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup collides with ham."
  -- Dale Cooper, FBI Special Agent
Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks