From: rao@parikalpik.eas.asu.edu (Subbarao Kambhampati)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian
Subject: Re: marriage [Or the perils of extreme chauvinism of any kind]
Date: 10 Apr 92 01:27:49 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Computer Science, Arizona State University, Tempe

In article <1992Apr8.170813.3425@athena.cs.uga.edu> venugop@athena.cs.uga.edu (Gopakumar Venugopalan) writes:

>       Can we contemplate of subjecting our sisters through the agony and 
>       tension of an arranged match search or describe her as slim tall
>       sexy busty etc?

Perhaps not. But, perhaps, the same sort of tensions will also be
there in non-arranged marriage situations \cite{popculture-usa}. It
seems that the 

 "Should skin deep beauty be respected or deep inner beauty be respected"

debate is a problem that transcends AM situation

While I will be happy to concede that arranged marriages, as practised
today, have their faults (irrespective of what our "leave the
tradition alone" friends tell us) \cite{old-stuff}, I think it is
silly as well as counter-productive to put all problems at AM's front
door.

>
>       Let us do it this way ,in a personality developement class of mine
>       6 years ago we were asked to write about ourselves or rather
>       what our friends would write about us if we wre to die the next day?

>       can a groom subject himself to this test honestly instead of asking
>       friends and relatives writing euphemisms about the groom?

And then, let's move on to the nonsensical questionaire, which you
seem to be smitten with. While the questionaire that follows is
probably of great utility in curing a terminally deranged male
female-abuser, some of them seem to be highly biased to say the least.
So, I am not exactly sure what their utility is to a normal person or
even a prospective "groom". Some of them seem to be completely misguided:

>       Will you a handsome young professional with $60000 plus marry a 
>       rape victim(a victim of the sick male mind),an ugly short dark girl
                                ^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[Is sick male mind a kind of syndrome? or do all people, who happen to
be males, have the sick male mind syndrome?]

>       or whatever the MCPs chose to call such an unfortunate girl,a cripple
>       or a divorcee?

>       If a girl asks you questions like whether you have had pre-marital
>       sex drink or smoke ,gamble or womanize can you answer her with a
>       straight face?

>       Would you marry a woman older than you?
>       A foriegn national who is say an eskimo or a sudanese or a vietnamese?

While we are at it, how come the broad minded person who set this
question did not include:

>   Would you marry an oldish handicapped, bleeding, eskimo male
>   chieftain, who is half sudanese and half proletariat by background
>   and has some non-trivial difficulties in achieving sexual potency during
>   vernal equinox? 

Doesn't the broadmindedness somehow not encompass variety in sexual
attractions?

And if my answer to this question is "No"--what does that tell you
about me? That I am homophobic? That I am  anti-sudanese, xenophobic,
equinox fearing, handicap-hating low life?

Is it not possible that I might be happy to treat the eskimo gentleman
of the above question as an equal humanbeing, but may still be against
marrying that him?

Is a desire for equality tantamount to having no preference at all
about who I choose to live my life with? 

Reminds me of what a friend once remarked-- "If you are so interested
in plight of women in India, then how come you don't go and marry a
poor woman off the streets?"

>       Would you give her the option of when to have sex and when not to
>       without labeling her as frigid or a nymphomaniac?
>  Would you give her equal right in deciding whether to keep themarriage or
>       not?
>       would you treat the marriage as a contract or a sacrament?
>		Do you consider the girl bleeding as a proof of virginity?
                                    ^^^^
Perhaps, I will be more inclined to consider that as a sign of wound
she sustained while jumping around in the school playground, but that
is perhaps not the answer you are looking for.

More seriously however, if it is cretinous to believe that women are
*not* badly affected by the largely patriarchal mores of our society,
it is also equally cretinous to believe that every wrong in the
society is ultimately traceable back to the "SICK MALE MIND" or the
"BIG BAD ARRANGED MARRIAGE SYSTEM". 

Finally, while reading the questions (which you evidently heartily
approve off), I couldn't help but notice the thick patronizing veneer
of "we men are the *only* people capable of 'lifting up' these poor
women".

I find it hard to believe that the deleterious ramifications of the
male-chauvinism surrounding us is going to be ameliorated in any way
by embracing an "anti-male, oh-poor-woman" chauvinism of the kind you
seem to intent on popularizing.

About all such an attitude is going to accomplish is to strengthen the
case of the Neo-men's-righters with their "Oh, see how men are being
so unfairly victimized left right and center". That and, incurring the
wrath of those women who find your "I have to save these poor women by
marrying them myself" attitude patently distasteful.

regards
Rao
----------

    "And I am an independent Indian woman, nevermind I can't divulge my
       identity on this big bad bboard."
  
       ---Ms./Mr./Master/Missy Anonymous thing that cat brought in from G'tech


    "And in my experience, some blacks in south africa cry of racism because
       they are trying to hide their own deep rooted insecurities and shtuff.
       Mind you, it is not that I didn't meet some other blacks who don't
       fit this hypothesis at all. I just wanted to say something,
       that's all. Hee."

      ---Mr. I am as good a psycho-analyst of the masses as the next idiot