From: wjs@doc.ic.ac.uk (Bill Sharp)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: REPOST wizard & hedgehogs & camels(!?)
Date: 27 Jan 1993 18:54:21 -0000
Organization: Imperial College, London
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: oak22.doc.ic.ac.uk
Summary: More things I kept, plase no flames!

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A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
A knob on the end, a knob on the end,
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
So it fits inside his hand.

Now all of the wizards in this town
Cannot look at women without a frown
And suspicious movements up and down
Of the staff that's in their hand.

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
A knob on the end, a knob on the end,
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
So it fits inside his hand.

Now the kind of thing a wizard can do
Cannot be done by the likes of you
Unless you can get a cockatoo
To fit inside your hand.

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
A knob on the end, a knob on the end,
A wizard's staff has a knob on the end,
So it fits inside his hand.

-------------

Here is the version I remember.  I learned this in the Venture Scouts
about fifteen years ago.


           The Hedgehog Song

    In the process of civilisation
      From anthropoid ape down to man,
    It is generally held that the Navy
      Has buggered whatever it can.
    But recent extensive researches,
      By Darwin and Huxley and Ball,
    Have conclusively shown that the hedgehog
      Has hardly been buggered at all.

     I therefore believe my conclusion
      Is incontrovertibly shown:
    That comparative safety on ship-board
      Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
    Why haven't they done it at Spithead,
      As they've done it at Harvard and Yale,
    And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
      By shaving the spines off its tail?

-----------

	The carnal desires of the camel
	Are stranger than anyone thinks,
	For this passionate but perverted mammal
	has designs on the hole of the Sphinx,
	But this deep and alluring depression
	Is oft clogged by the sands of the Nile,
	Which accounts for the camel's expression
	And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

	In the process of Syphilization
	From the anthropoid ape down to man
	It is generally held that the Navy
	Has buggered whatever it can.
	Yet recent extensive researches
	By Darwin and Huxley and Ball
	Conclusively prove that the hedgehog 
	Has never been buggered at all.

	And further researches at Oxford
	Have incontrovertibly shown
	That comparative safety on shipboard
	Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
	But, why haven't they done it at Spithead,
	As they've done it at Harvard and Yale
	And also at Oxford and Cambridge
	By shaving the spines off its tail!

----------

      The Sexual Life of the Camel

  The sexual life of the camel
  Is stranger than anyone thinks,
  At the height of the mating season
  He tries to bugger the sphinx,
  But the spinx's posterior sphincter
  Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile,
  Which accounts for the hump on the camel
  And the spinx's inscrutable smile.

  In the process of syphilization
  From the anthropoid ape down to man
  It is generally held that the Navy
  Has buggered whatever it can,
  Yet recent extensive researches
  By Darwin and Huxley and Hall
  Conclusively prove that the hedgehog
  Has never been buggered at all.

  We therefore believe out conclusion
  Is incontrovertibly shown
  That comparative safety on shipboard
  Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
  Why haven't they done it at Spithead,
  As they've done it at Harvard and Yale
  And also at Oxford and Cambridge
  By shaving the spines off its tail.

--------

Here's a version of the hedgehog song that I made up on a train from
Sheffield to Huddersfield:

There was a great wizzard
Who found in a blizzard
A book of the dead
Which he picked up and read
It told of evil galore
And dead men and more
Though it made his skin crawl
He read to his gall
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

Tis said there's a land
Of desert and sand
Where great eagles fly
Like black dots in the sky
As they swoop, wheel and fall
And shriek their high call
Yet still they are caught
And forced to consort
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

There is in the Ramtops
A beast of renown
It's ugly and mean
Its fame's spread around
The mouth of its lair
Has bones, teeth and hair
Splattered from wall to wall
You'll find with a stroke 
That it's easy to poke
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

In days long gone by
With the sun in the sky
St George rode forth
Upon a white horse
To fight to the death
With a dragon no less
The dragon was cunning
And wicked and tall
With glittering eyes
It held men in its thrall
But it soon knew fear
With St. George up its rear
While the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.



-- 
|   _\|/_                                                                   |
|  /.\ /.\  |         wjs@doc.ic.ac.uk         |   Just 'cos I'm paranoid   |
|  \_/v\_/  |  Bill Sharp, Dept of Computing,  |    doesn't mean they're    |
|    \-/    |  Imperial College, London, U.K.  |     not out to get me!     |