From: anonymus+946@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Identity Crisis
Date: 1 Oct 92 22:04:39 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

I have been reading this group for the last couple of months and have found 
asar to be very helpful.  I identify and relate to many of the things that are 
discussed in asar, and I'm glad it exists.  I have been quite isolated about 
my abuse issues (especially to myself).  Since I began reading asar, it has 
allowed me to break the isolation (a little) and begin to admit to myself that 
what I went through in childhood was abuse, and did have a negative effect on 
me.

I'm hoping to start posting here on a regular basis.  I'll try not to make that 
an expectation for myself.  If I do, I'll probably be disappointed in myself.  
[So, what else is new?]  Before I get to the point of this post, I would like 
to introduce myself.  

I am a 30 year old male who was raised by a physically and emotionally abusive 
alcoholic father and a domineering and equally emotionally abusive mother.  I 
was sexually abused from the age of ten until thirteen by a man who I looked 
up to [someone I trusted].  Despite all of this I have managed to cope 
reasonably well until the last six or seven months.  For the most part, our 
family seemed perfectly normal (as most do) to the outside world.  All of us 
are relative successful and well liked.  However, all of us have had serious 
bouts of depression, including myself.  I have been fighting depression for 
most of my adult life.

Depression is what led me to therapy.  I have been in ther.  In order to co 
year.  This last year, I began to look at the past, and needless to say, I now 
feel as though I'm falling apart.  I have chosen several ways to cope with all 
of this madness.  One of the ways has been to be an "overachiever".  Other 
ways have been to drink, drug, have sex, spend money, travel, etc.  Anyway, 
since I'm such a perfectionist, I don't do any of those things to excess 
anymore.  Besides, they didn't work.  I still felt miserable.  The last escape 
left for me was my work.  Now the real and immediate problem...Escaping 
through work isn't working.  I still feel like shit.  In fact, I hate myself 
even more, because I've always judged myself harshly, especially my work.

Todays realization and exposure to reality (or at least my reality) is that I 
am having a complete (or at least it feels that way) identity crisis.  I don't 
know who I am anymore.  I don't know what I like anymore.  I feel like a 
phony.  I don't want to work anymore.  I just want to run as far away from 
myself and everything in my life.  I feel so confused.  I'm sure there is a 
reason for all of this.  I just can't put my finger on it right now.  I'm 
losing control.  I just want to shut down.  I cannot process anymore 
information.  It's just too exhausting.  I now I'm rambling, but I need to get 
out the feelings.  I have been trying to convince myself I have it together.  
I don't.  But, life goes on.  I have so much work to do, and I don't know 
where to begin.

Having read over this message, I feel as though I've really exposed something 
awful here.  I feel embarassed and shamed.  What I really want to do is cancel 
this post, but I'm going to take a risk and send it.  So here goes...


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