From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Crisis about the holidays
Date: 6 Oct 92 00:51:27 GMT
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division, Intel Corp.

In article <Bvnys2.ELE@twwells.com> anon-1236@twwells.com (The Peaceful Warrior) writes:
>
>The holidays are coming up. As they approach,
>I'm forced to deal with something that I've been
>putting off dealing with. I thought maybe some
>of you might know what I'm going through...
>
>My mother wants my husband and I to come visit
>her and my stepfather for Christmas this year. I
>don't want to, but I told her that we would. Now
>I'm really having some trouble with my stupid decision.
>I've been in therapy for the past couple of months
>and have started remembering a lot of stuff that
>happened as I was growing up and don't want to
>have to face my mother and stepfather right now.
>I'm scared of them and the thought of
>spending Christmas with them terrifies me.
>
>If I do go, I know that my mother will just treat
>me the same way she has always treated me and I'll
>end up in tears and feeling worthless and stupid.
>If I don't go, I'm afraid of the letters and phone
>calls I'll get telling me about how I've ruined
>everyone's Christmas and why can't I think of
>anyone other than myself.
>
>My mom and stepfather know I'm in therapy and
>think I'm stupid and crazy for it. I'm afraid
>that they will tell that to everyone at Christmas
>and everyone will hate me for talking about
>such private things with someone outside of the
>family.
>
>I really don't want to see either of them right
>now, but I don't know how to tell them that. I
>feel like the way I feel is wrong and that I'm
>hurting everyone and that I should just do what
>my mother says and just shut up. Whenever I call
>their house to tell them I don't want to see them,
>I just get all paralyzed and numb and end up
>agreeing to do whatever they ask me to do. It's
>like I don't really have a choice in things, because
>they're my parents and you should always do what
>your parents say, (like your parents are always right.)
>I know that this is not the way it is, that my parents
>are really not justified in doing what they do, (or
>what they have done) but
>my mind still thinks that I have to do what they say.
>
>I know all this probably sounds really disjointed
>and stupid, but of anyone has any suggestions
>on this, I could sure use them...
>
>Thanks,
>The Peaceful Warrior
>
>

	I don't know if this will help, but I'll tell you what I did when
I stopped getting together with my family for "holidays," or even at all!
(There's nothing even remotely holy about being shamed IMO).  My family has
always been the single most important entity for each of it's members
(except me now), and there was/is always tremendous pressure to "celebrate
special occasions together," which include(d) Christmas, Thanksgiving,
and Birthdays.  After about 1 1/2 years in therapy I began to flake
out, so to speak, of these occasions.  It became increasingly clear to
me (as it appears to be to you) that I was re-traumatized when I spent
time with my family (even the siblings, which surprizes me because we
sort of stuck together through the abusive times).
	So I decided to sever relations completely, at least for a time.
The only way I could do this was to change my phone number to an unlisted
one, and write a letter to my parents explaining that I was not comfortable
communicating with them and to call me at work if there was some emergency.
Of course, two days later I get a call from Mom- "Do you really want us only
to call you at work if there is an emergency?"  or, "let me not listen to your
needs just one more time."  I said "that's right, I have to work now."  Click,
(from my end).  I know that horrible lies are being spread within my FOO 
(Family Of Origin) about myself and my wife, because my siblings all are
being very cautious in their communications with me (by mail only, they don't
have my number either).  It *does* *hurt*, and I still feel guilt about "being
so selfish and rude."  However, whenever I think about the way my parents
systematically invalidate *every* facet of my personality, I realize that 
*THEY* ARE THE GUILTY ONES!!  There will come a time when I've healed more
and then maybe I will see them for brief (< 2hours) periods of time.
	Since I have been in recovery, my ideas of right and wrong, helpful
and hurtful, loving and hating have all changed dramatically.  I somehow
can't imagine a useful and mutually beneficial relationship with my parents
while they stay stuck in their denial, self-hatred (turned outward), and
shame.
	I hope this helped, it took me so long to type that I feel like
I poured out my soul, when in fact I just need to take a typing class :-)

Warm and peaceful thoughts for all...



PS  I like your name, TPW.  I have a visualization that I use wherein when
    I feel unsafe my own Inner Warrior is there to protect me.

PW
-- 
_____________________________________________________________________________
Peter Warton  (the h was dropped    | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago) 		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.