From: anon-1264@twwells.com (QuickDoll)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Crisis about the Holidays
Date: 7 Oct 92 15:48:03 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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ANON-Name: QuickDoll
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Peaceful Warrior,

Liberachi once said: To dine own self be twu.

Well, maybe it was someone else.  But seriously, live as if you didn't
care about other people.  Listen to your own heart.  Every feeling you
have is coming from a valid reason.  If you don't want to go home,
don't.  Don't put your feeling on hold for anyone else.  If you dislike
a committment, flake.  Change your mind.  Be irresponsible to others.
It's better than sacrificing yourself.  You should always come first,
always, every time.

I've just started living this way.  It's great.  You have much, much
more freedom.  You can say "yes" more often.  Even when you're not sure.
And no committment is final.  Change your mind, even on a whim.

It is better to regret things you've done, than to regret things you
were too scared to do.

In this case, you would be happier with the trouble from spending the
holidays with safe people, than putting up a front and sacrificing for
the good of the family.

If your family really wants to love you, then the hate mail and calls will
trickle down into inquiries into why you're being so flakey lately.  If
they don't love you, why are you wasting your time on them?  If they are
so dependent on you making Christmas complete for them, maybe they should
pay a little more heed to your levels of comfort and safety.  If they are
so upset at you talking private matters outside the family, maybe they
should have been better listeners.

Basically, everything you are doing is right.  Everyone else is wrong,
they just don't know it yet.  Eventually they'll remember or believe you,
or you'll outgrown your dependencies and not need them any more.

If you are growning and changing, you need to enter new niches, not
an old setting that will put you down and through trials.  People should
wonder what is so wrong you're seeing a therapist, not criticize you
for trying to help yourself.

If you don't want to see someone, tell them not to call.  Be rude.  It's
a lot easier to apologize for hurting someone's feelings than you think.

If you haven't built the strength to speak yet, vote with your feet.
Agree, agree, agree, then head in the direction you really want to go to.
Later, you can hang up when the criticism gets out of line.  Store away
all correspondence for a couple months.  Once you remove yourself from
a habit-filled situation, you can build defences in falling into the old
habits.

Right now, you are fairly strong in that you are removed from your
family environment.  I crumbled when I had a parent using The Voice (Dune?)
on me.  Pre-arrange your escape.  Make sure your weaker self can't buckle.
It's like putting the alarm clock on the other side of the room, so when
the time comes, you have to get up to turn it off.

You have a lot of weapons: Decide to start lying.  Don't leave your answering
machine on.  Unplug your phone except when you call your friends.  Don't
read mail from home.

Give your family time -- they're being blind and stupid but they'll eventually
move to your side in a few years.  Even the people who would have to keep
denying to stay out of jail, as soon as they convince themselves you won't
be turning them in.

Don't give in.  Don't ignore your own feelings.  There is no higher purpose
than yourself.

Good Luck,
QuickDoll

P.S.  Oops, I just read everyone else's replies to your post, I guess we all
	have the same opinion.  That must mean it's that much more true!!



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