Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Fri, 10 Apr 1992 03:04:17 EDT
From:         "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject:      Oh what's to be done with you Loren Miller

   In pursuit of my daily rounds separating the Throwbacks from the Retarded
there is an occasionally challenging Borderline Case.
   Loren Miller is not one of these; he is so Retarded that at his current rate
of progress he cannot foreseeably get promoted to Throwback in which capacity
he is entitled to take LSD, Mescaline, Psilocybin, MDA, and Euphoria. There are
more such drugs of course; this merely lists what's in stock.
   During our last session together after which I went on Visitations to other
Camps, I played television producer/Series Creator; you know, as where it says
in the credits, "Created By Aaron Spelling," or "Based On Characters Created By
Aaron Spelling."
   You recall I Created a seried called Him and Her, where the Him character
did medical science research at University of Michigan Hospital where he gained
worldwide fame, almost a Nobel Prize even, treating Bart Simpson for ADD/HA
with methylphenidate hydrochloride, that is, common Ritalin that everybody eats
all day in school; and after that Bart Simpson was a Perfect Angel. Not even
Loren Miller was retarded enough to hallucinate this is how Real Science is
done. But in this sitcom series I had Him and Her adulterously adulterating all
over the place in honor of the Clinton campaign.
   Why were they living in Ann Arbor Michigan? Yes you, Loren Miller.
   "Duh."
   Because the Michigan Primary was that week! Oy Gevalt! Elsewise I put them
in California or Daytime Television where they belong.
   Next question. Him and Her are fictitious characters, right?
   "Duh."
   What do we call it when you make jokes with one figment and get sexually
pursued by another?
   "Duh."
   Better come up with the answer, Miller, or not only do you never make
Throwback, never take LSD for your whole natural life, but you have pot
privileges suspended for the whole month of April.
   "Duh."
   JEAN FOUDRE! A HALLUCINATION, IS WHAT IT IS. Retard! If you can't tell a
fake hallucination when you see one, a real one's just gonna go right by yer
bazootie. Yer NEVER GONNA IN THIS LIFETIME get outta BASIC TRAINING, get to
take real Throwback drugs, like the big kids use, from thirty years ago,
chanting OM to the tune of Tim Leary gibberish, and call alla that crap New
Ways of Thinking!
   *****************
   Listen here, all of you retards! This morning the very eminent Professor
John H. Gagnon of Stony Brook, who according to Newsday is the World's Leading
Authority in THREE THINGS and, toppa that, holds the Silver Medal in a fourth,
announced, "The country is hallucinated."
   If a whole country is hallucinated without Drugs and Tim Leary's dogeared
books, then what, kids?
   "Duh."
   YOU FUCKING IDIOTS ARE ALL OUTTA WORK. LIKE ME. ALONG WITH YER NEW WAYS OF
THINKING. YA KNOW WHAT I THINK? YOU ALL JUST GO BACK TO SCHOOL, LEARN TO BABBLE
TRIVIA LIKE IDIOT SAVANTS, AND GO MAKE THE ROUNDS OF THE SUBWAY CARS LIKE I DO,
GIBBERING TRIVIA IN THE FACES OF NORMAL PEOPLE SO THEY GIVE YA A QUARTER TO GO
WAY. THAT I TELL YA IS A LIVING AND THERE IS MONEY, A FUTURE.
   ****
   Before ya go, kids, I'd like to announce what may in a year or two amount to
a real rumor, which is MITOCHONDRIAL DNA WHAT TURNS YA INTO REAL JAPANESE. That
people is living.
   Have fun kids, goin' to MacArthur Suffix County International Airport, catch
the plaine to Arizona, enjoy me a little skiing, come back Monday, see ya.

Daniel A. Foss
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