From: pisarevsky@b56vxg.kodak.com (Arkady Pisarevsky)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Re: What constitutes a best friend?
Summary: I'm lost
Keywords: friends, emotions, honesty, space
Date: 8 Apr 92 14:03:00 GMT
Organization: Big Yellow Box
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <edsall.702625885@pv7411.vincent.iastate.edu>, edsall@iastate.edu (David M Edsall) writes...
> 
>   I need honesty here. I am asking that people not be brutally honest in
>their answers, if you wish to answer. I am fragile right now and I am not sure
>what I can take. If you decide to respond, please think before you say

    Dave I will do my best to tread gently. If anything below bothers you 
please let me know. I am with you, not against you.

     **** stuff deleted ****

>   What constitutes a good close friendship? I want the following or I have
>always believed that the following make a good friend:
> 
>   Someone who is there, willing to listen when you need someone
>   Someone who is not afraid to show you they love you
>   Someone whom you are willing to listen to when they need someone
>   Someone you can have fun with
>   Someone you can be honest with completely
>   Someone who is willing to give you some advice or ideas or help you
>     find the answer if they can

    These are all very valid. A friend is somebody who is there for you 
when you need him/her. Unfortunately making friends is hard work and the 
path to good intimate friendship is treacherous. I think everybody needs 
a 'sounding board', a person who is like a rock. One who will listen to you, 
hear you, and keep things in the stricktest confidence. I was my own sounding 
board for many years. I had no friends, not even casual friends. Everybody was 
an acquaintance. I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't want to 
live that way anymore and resolved to change myself. That resolve is not very
strong and quite often I get into 'to hell with it' mood. Eventually, I pick 
myself back up and try to make another step. 

>   I am willing to give people space. I can't read minds though. I need people
>to tell me things. I can't go back to being unhealthy. I know too much about

    I think that none of us can read minds. How about just asking. Something
like 'I need to talk to you, but I also don't want to lean on you too hard.
If you don't have time right now, I'll understand'. Of course then you have
to be willing to except no for an answer. Writing things out may help. It gets
'things' out of you. Then you can have somebody you trust read it and talk 
about it. It may also help to develop a sort of a support network. If you 
can't turn to one person, then may be you can turn to the other. My support 
network is very small right now. I need to make it bigger.

>about myself or until I stop being scared. I am a wimp. I am a coward. I am a
>survivor. I have a hard time trusting anyone.

    You are human, and those are emotions that humans have. You've had some
hard times and may not have gotten as solid start on life as some other people.
But you are doing better than me. I am keeping a lot of things to myself. 
I have 2 people whom I consider close friends, but even they don't get my 
full trust. Basically, there is nobody that I can discuss any subject with on 
a completely open level. 

>   What am I doing wrong? I have been there when people needed me. I have

    The only thing I can think of that you are doing wrong is lean on people
too hard. Like I said above, you need to distribute the weight, find
alternatives. I wish I could tell you how to do it, but I can't. I am looking
for an answer myself.

>asked them for their support but sometimes it became too much for them to
>handle. It's hard to grow up without support from people or without people you
>can talk to about ideas about life and all the problems and joys that it
>entails. 

    I did grow up that way. For a variety of reasons, some (most?) of which 
were NOT under my control. While I am full grown physically, my emotional side
is under-developed. I've decided it's no fun being that way, and am willing to
take steps towards changing me. Even though I may stumble and fall along the 
way. I'll just have to get up, deal with the hurt and keep going.

>   Thanks for listening,

   You are welcome. That's what this group is for. Feel free to e-mail me
anytime, I'll be glad to e-talk :-) I wish Iowa was a tad closer to NY
> 
>   Dave ( a scared little boy )
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**   EMAIL:  pisarevs@kodak.com                                          **
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Newsgroups: alt.support