From: 00rabarton@bsu-ucs.uucp
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Need serious advice
Date: 21 Jul 92 20:11:29 GMT

I've just discovered this newsgroup and have been reading the 
postings, so I'm not sure if this is actually appropriate for this 
area or not. 

What the hell.  I'll give it a shot.  I apologize in advance for the 
length, but I'm new at this.

When I was going thru my divorce 7 years ago, I got a lot of help from 
a divorce support group.  Kind of carried me thru kicking and 
screaming, so to speak.  Anyway, I've learned a whole lot about 
divorce and singledom since then, and one of the things I've learned 
is that there are behavior patterns that repeat over and over with 
people that are so similar it's frightening.  By this, I mean that as 
bad as I thought my divorce situation was, I was amazed to learn that 
many, many women had been thru the same situation, and even the 
Philandering Man's dialogue was the same from case to case.

That was a long time ago, and I accepted and adjusted...and grew up a 
lot.  Went thru a period of dating after the divorce, found it just 
didn't feel right, and swore off for several years.

Met a wonderful man 3 years ago, and our relationship was perfect.  We 
fit like gloves. We were mutually supportive with family problem 
situations, professional problems, etc.  Everyone said we were the 
perfect couple.  Ad nauseum.

So a couple of weeks ago, he drops in and announces that he thinks 
it's time for him to date around.  He still cares a great deal for me, 
I'm still very important to him, he doesn't want to lose me, and all 
that jazz.  He doesn't even know when he'll start to date, he just 
wants the option open.  

One person does not own another person, and I've always tried to give 
him the space to develop as a person, so all I can say to him is that 
I still love him, and I understand.  I've wondered from the first day 
of our relationship when this was going to come up, since this is the 
only serious relationship either of us has had since our divorces.

A week later we talked more, and he volunteered that he hadn't called 
any women, and it might be six months before he even started to date.  
He cried, saying he didn't know what he wanted, and there must be 
something wrong with him, and kept saying he didn't want to lose me.

So the next date we have, which is the next night, everything is fine 
until we're with a group of people (singles group) who invite us over 
to a local spot to dance. He begs off since he gets up early for work, 
takes me home, and hops right over there.

Two nights later, he's out with a couple of the women from that group 
at a singles dance, and one of these women phones me around midnight 
and uses some profanity to warn me against seeing him again.  I'm in 
total shock by this time.  I told him what happened, and he was angry 
and couldn't imagine who would do such a thing, and said I didn't 
deserve that, etc.  The call was anonymous, but it was a woman, and 
was obviously made from a dance or party, from the background noise, 
and came at the time he was out with these women.

Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out who did this.  But instead 
of dealing with it, this guy is out with the same bunch of women the 
next night.  And the next day, Sunday, he stood me up for a function 
we had agreed to attend, since we were invited before all this came 
up.  Never called or showed up.

Then Monday night, he phones to chat and when I mentioned the function 
he missed, he said sorry, he had been busy.   He also said we hadn't 
made definite plans. We had.  Even if they hadn't been definite, a 
phone call would have been appropriate.

Mutual friends have told me that he does care for me, and I should be 
patient, give him time and space, and keep the lines of 
communication open.

I love this guy very much, but I'm doubtful that I should continue to 
put up with this behavior.  I should mention that this is extremely 
unlike him, that he's usually a very responsible, very dedicated, caring man.

We have been very good for each other, and he's said repeatedly that 
no one has ever been as good to him as I have, or cared about him as 
much as I do.  We have a wonderful time together always, even going to 
the grocery.  We get along perfectly .... don't even fight.  We do 
things for each other all the time.  He's shown his caring countless 
times in countless ways.



Even as I read what I'm writing, I can see that this is a pattern of male 
behavior.  I should mention that we are both mid-40ish.

This is a man that my kids and family adore, and I know his family 
likes me very much, and wishes that we would get married.  His 
previous marriage was 20 years of hell, and mine was 16 good, and one 
bad year.  I've NEVER pushed for marriage, tho, because I knew he 
needed time to heal from his divorce, which was the longest, messiest 
one I've ever seen. No, I was NOT involved in the divorce.  We started 
dating months later.

I apologize for the length of this, but I don't know how to make it 
any simpler.

I'd appreciate a serious response from anyone who's more experienced 
at this that I.  Flamers please bother someone else.  I've had enough 
grief to last a lifetime.   Is this just a case of "another 
transitional woman bites the dust", or is it something I should have 
patience with, and wait out?  This guy is truly unique, and is by far 
the best man I've ever met.  This last week notwithstanding, he does 
live by something called honor....a word that few men even understand.

Serious advice, anyone?

00rabarton@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
00rabarton@bsuvax1.bitnet
Newsgroups: soc.singles