From: walver@kielo.uta.fi (Ville V. Walveranta)
Newsgroups: sfnet.keskustelu.foreigners
Subject: Re: Light at the .....
Date: 24 Nov 92 02:54:48 GMT
Reply-To: walver@uta.fi (Ville Walveranta)
Distribution: sfnet
Organization: University of Tampere, Finland
In-reply-to: cjp@tk25.oulu.fi's message of 16 Nov 92 10:05:25 GMT


	Being a Finnish foreigner in the States I can't resist posting this
	column published in Suomen Kuvalehti some five years ago. It was 
	written	by Neil Hardwick (is he still in Finland?).

	So, here comes...

         
         The dark side of the moon
         
         Readers  are  asked to note that Winter Behaviour comes into
         force  in Finland on October 1st., i.e. next Wednesday. From
         that  day  forward  the  following  rules,  regulations  and
         conventions  are  to be observed. Cheerful banter with shop-
         assistants  and  waiters  shall  cease forthwith. If silence
         cannot  be  maintained,  surly bad-temper is recommended for
         both  parties.  It is especially to be born in mind that, in
         all  establishments  where  intoxicating liquors are served,
         the  customer  is  sometimes  *right*  during the perod May-
         September,  but  *always  wrong*  during the period October-
         April.  It  is  not  permissable  to  smile at people in the
         street,  even  if  they  smile  at  you  first.  Casual good
         behaviour  may  give  offence,  and  is  always  liable  to
         misunderstanding.  In  the  event of accidental eye-contact,
         *do not panic*! Continue as if nothing had happened and move
         away.  If  this  is not possible, for example at a bus stop,
         stare  hard  at  something  else  eg.  the  time-table,  an
         advertisement  hoarding,  a  nearby  parked car (assuming of
         course  there is no one in it). If the eye contact continues
         and  appears  deliberate,  inform  the  police.  Recommended
         colours  for  clothing are grey, black and anaemic shades of
         blue.  Brigher  colours  are  permitted  for children and in
         plastic  raincoats  (women  only).  Upon  dialling  a  wrong
         telephone   number   in   error,   the  summer  practice  of
         apologizing  for one's mistake ceases. Winter Practice is to
         maintain  silence  for  a  short period and then replace the
         receiver. The Background music for television advertisements
         shall  consist  of  cellos  playing slow melodies in a minor
         key.  Chirpy  tunes on the accordion are banned (thank God).
         
         Drunks are no longer to be humoured. Special regulations for
         public  transport:  It  is  forbidden to sing, whistle, hum,
         fidget  or  talk  (except  to  oneself  in  a  low  mutter).
         
         Passengers  seated  next  to a window shall stare out of it,
         whether  the  vehicle be in motion or not. Passengers seated
         next to the gangway are permitted to look forwards, provided
         they  take  due  care  not  to  focus  their  eyes  on other
         passengers.  The  seats  near  the  doors  are  reserved for
         drunks. Special caution is required when attempting to leave
         a  window seat. There may be someone sitting between you and
         the  gangway.  Do  *not*  attempt  to  speak to this person.
         Simply  squeeze  past  in silence, taking care to inflict as
         little physical injury as possible.
         
         Exceptions  The  only exceptions to these rules are the pre-
         Christmas  office  parties  known as 'pikkujoulut', at which
         jollity  is  COMPULSORY.  These regulations are in operation
         until  April  30th,  1987,  upon which date Summer Behaviour
         comes into force once more.
         
         - Neil Hardwick
--

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