From: smoir@world.std.com (Scott A Moir)
Subject: Re: Friends
Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 13:01:37 GMT

In article <2i8NXB1w165w@netlink.cts.com> patrickm@netlink.cts.com (Patrick McKinnion) writes:
>People -
>   I must confess to a bit of curiousity.... If one shouldn't sleep w/ 
>one's friends, than whats left ??   Indiscriminate f@$$ing ??

>   I have to be at least friends w/ the person in question, or there is 
>no interest, none what so ever.  The thought of making love to a person I 
>didn't even have the friendship bond w/ leaves me very cold indeed.  Why 
>would I want to ?

Nothing wrong with that... I can't sleep with someone unless I am in love
with them. There was a time that I didn't do things that way, and found
that it was just to hollow for me to really enjoy.


>   Sigh....
>    On a related topic, I have a problem w/ a relationship that's 
>starting to develop.   The person I'm starting to see likes the poly 
>concepts, (seewhat reading heinlein will do...), and I've told her that 
>her seeing others is not a problem w/ me.    Where things go wrong is 
>when she asks me to take her somewhere, she sees someone that shes 
>friends with.....and I'm suddenly left alone.    In the process of one 
>night, I'll get signals from "leave me alone" to "I really, really love 
>you", but they arn't consistant.  She'll abandon me at a restuarant or 
>party..... and I'll find incredibly sweet messages in my e-mail when I 
>get home...
>   I never have been interested in telling someone to stay away from 
>other people, so, how do I tell her that I don't mind her being w/ 
>someone else, but want her to figure in some time for me as well ??  I'm 
>worried if I say anything, It'll be interepted as being a typical, 
>posessive boyfriend.

If you want to stay in a relationship with her, then you need to talk.
There needs to be some kind of understanding as to how the relationship
will work. Being left out sucks, and it is an easy thing to allow to
happen if you aren't conscious of it. 

You say that when she sees someone while you are out, you are sometimes
left alone.. is this for a short period or for the rest of the night? The
way you mention the problem leaves a little bit up to the imagination.

It can be a hard thing sometimes to share someone that you love, but it
can also be freeing. Watching someone that I love dearly look lovingly into
the eyes of someone else that I love gives me a happy, warm feeling.

The difference between a traumatic experience and a fun one is simple..
security. I can watch my love with someone else because I know that sie
loves me. I know sie will remain with me. I know sie will come home to me.
Sie knows the same of me. A polyamorous relationship requires a bit more
trust in your partner, or at least trust of a different type. It also
requires conversation. You have to be certain about what it is that you
both want.

Good luck,

Scott


-- 
Scott Moir  /  Satyr on IRC    ______ # "There's really only one requirement 
smoir@world.std.com            \ \/ / #  for a Prophet, and you've got it."
B4 f t+ w g k+(+!) s+ m r p+    \/\/  # "What's that?"
Also: pentangl@ursa-major.spdcc.com   # "A mouth." - 'God' to J.R.'BoB' Dobbsl
Newsgroups: alt.individualism