From: llama@tramp.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: sine's cure for existential angst
Date: 13 Oct 92 05:10:45 GMT
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5

i'm still not getting *anything* on this group. my newsfeed has
screwed all the alt.groups, dammit.

i need to post a summary of the weekend ("get your own sheep!") but i
don't want to right now. i'm in A Mood, and i'd rather use the energy
for this post instead, selfish bitch that i am.

i've discovered a fairly quick and easy cure for that nagging
existential angst that plagues us all. the feeling that there's more
to life and you're missing it, or that there are so many rules and
laws hemming you in that the you that is real is being squashed and
you have no clue about why you're here.

it's simple, really. it's how i've managed to survive 28 years (29 in
just 10 minutes, oh boy, unless you wanna get technical, then it's 4
hours and 9 minutes)of shit that would have killed some people.

all you have to do is develop a belief in your imminent demise. i have
managed to convince myself that i'll be dead before i'm 32 and that
the world will be a better place for this. it simplifies things
immensely.

for example, why sweat about bill collectors? the hell with em... in
just a few years you'll be fertilizer and they can just live with it.
you won't have to. same thing goes for asshole men who only see the
outside and to whom 30 pounds of extra weight is as devastating as an
extra head. who needs them? there are cool guys who are willing to
take the no strings, no meaning agreement out there. there are even
cool guys who are willing to (gasp) commit, on conditions of course,
to more than that. but more means nothing when you won't be around
for it.

what good does a permanent relationship do, anyway? twice in my life i
thought i'd found forever. once he was boring and when he figured out
that i was gonna take the credit for my journey back to a semblance of
mental health, he bailed. the other decided that drugs and computers
were more important than anything that might require work. when you're
fairly certain you're going to die soon anyway, forever becomes an
abstract concept. i can't deal with always, but three years doesn't
seem unreasonable.

the really great thing about having decided you'll be dead within
three years is that you can present yourself as some sort of wise
person and make pronouncements and if you're wrong, no one will bitch
at you, cause you won't be around to bitch at. it works beautifully.
and i figure if i use the next three years well, i can even create
some sort of regret at my passing. kinda like a bonus cookie, though
i spose i won't be around to notice it... everything has its drawbacks.

lack of a social life doesn't bug you when you've decided to die;
after all, if those people reject you, then it's no big deal. if there
are no people in your life, even better. at least you won't have to
worry about hurting people when you die, yaknow?

so what happens is you develop this compulsion to live as much as you
possibly can in the next three years, to get as much out of it as you
can, on the off chance that you might be able to remember some of it
afterwards. and don't get me wrong; the idea that i'll be dead before
i'm 32 hasn't released me from he obligation i feel to help the
people i love deal with shit they can't see but i can and help them
navigate and learn and be happy. in fact, i feel obligated to do even
more, give even more, to make sure they're strong before i go away.
that sounds egotistical, i know, but my little-brother types would be
stressed otherwise.

damn, i hate not having a newsfeed. and now i'm 29, more or less.

--
sine nomine | debbie martinson (whoever *that* is)
"i've come here a thousand time. some things never change... i've quit
this a million times, can't quite stay away. yes, i will, anything
you say... when i come back down, though i'm crazy to, anything you
want from me i'll do" --ttws