From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: For Sim
Date: 15 Apr 92 23:26:46 GMT
Organization: NIST

I do find your philosphy well-thought out and interesting.  I only can
comment now on one thing:

In a previous article, asar.196@wpi.wpi.edu (Prisoner) wrote:

>One of the feelings I have a lot of the time is, when put
>into words, "if I want it for me and it has to come from
>someone else, I may not have it". It's an intense feeling of
>wanting coupled with tbe bone-deep knowledge that what I
>want will be denied to me.

I've said this before.  You have this supposed "knowledge," but it has
gotten you nowhere before.  I think it is more a feeling, and a wrong
feeling at that, one that is just likely to make that feeling true.  You
think this true so much, that in the end it makes it true.  It reminds
me of my mother.  She keeps saying all her children are horrible, that
they treat her badly, etc.  Her children are not horrible.  The only
reason they are horrible is that she keeps telling them they are horrible,
which makes them dislike her, which she takes as being horrible.
You had a lot of "knowledge" about how we would reject you once we got to 
know you.  We didn't despite that "knowledge."  I think a lot of the
rest of this "knowledge" is false, that you create a lot of the rejection
you receive.  As long as you keep this up, you will continue to be rejected
since you expect it so much.

>This has really made hash of my life. It prevents me from
>seeking comfort from anyone, from asking my wife to have
>sex when the reason is solely my desire, from walking up to
>a group of people whom I might wish to be a part of and
>trying to join in, from asking a woman I'd like to skate
>with if she'd like to. You name it: if it involves something
>I want from someone else for ME, I'm paralyzed.

Believe me, I used to be the same way.  The only thing that has gotten
me out of this patter was to set goals for mysself, and go after them.  Set a 
goal of asking a woman to skate.  One might say yes.  Ask your wife for
sex.  She may say yes.  You can't overcome this until you try these 
things out.

>All this talking about my thinking and feeling is, in
>itself, of little value; until I can look at someone and
>with full intention say "I want <this> from you", where
><this> is something having to do with my emotional needs, I
>will remain "Prisoner".
> 

Yup!

>No I can't and that's part of the problem. In theory I can,
>but the practice is that once I let go, I really do let go,
>all the way. One of the things I need to trust in is that
>if I find that I can't stop that whoever it is won't abandon
>me because he can't handle it, that I can let go all the way
>and find where my limit is, and not find myself left alone
>and with my emotions raw and bleeding.

You just described my therapist, and how he has dealt with a friend of
mine.  My friend let everything go at once, but my therapist stayed with
him, to the point of visiting him every day (therapist visiting patient,
not the other way around), calling frequently to make sure he was okay,
just being an incredible person.  Such people are out there.  You can
find one.

>Sorry about the flu and no need to worry about how much
>you've said.

Two weeks later.  Another bout of flu (stomach).  Eye infection.  Sinus
infection.  This is getting ridiculous.  Thanks.


                                                                        __
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \/
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery