From: crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu (Lauren L. Crawford)
Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks
Subject: Re: How could you ever trust?
Date: 12 Nov 92 16:29:17 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

In article <1992Nov12.062756.7505@access.usask.ca> lat22@jester.usask.ca (T'Keela Mahkin Birr) writes:

>If you are heavy (I mean VERY, size 24 or so) and men are not
>interested in you because of your weight:  how can you ever
>trust in a man if you lost weight, became what most men want
>(aiee duck the flames on that one):), and went out with a man?
>Oh sure, he might say, "I'd love you just as much if you looked
>different", but where was he when you were large?  It's very
>perplexing..to go from an obese woman who can't get a date to
>a thin woman who is so bloody cynical she can't get a date.

Good question.  

For me, I think the big key has been *why* I've lost weight in the past. 
Am I losing weight to please hypothetical men who might then fall in love
with me?  (I've done that.)  Am I losing weight to please family members
and hopefully get them to love me in the way I think they should?  (I've
done that too.)  Am I losing weight to get approval from the general
public?  (Ditto.)  

In each of these cases, I've had really mixed feelings when I've lost the
weight -- and I've been surprised at the anger that has surfaced.  On the
one hand, I'm losing weight to get something from someone else -- but at
the same time, I'm very ambivalent about it.  What inevitably surfaces is
disappointment at not getting exactly what I thought I would (men beating
down my door, unconditional love and approval from parents, favorable
attention from an adoring public), and anger at all these people for
_requiring_ it of me.  I get dual thoughts:  "I want your unconditional
love" vs. "Suck eggs and die, and who needs you anyway?  Who gave you the
right to put me through this?"

It wasn't until I got to the bottom of this stuff, and the hurt underneath
it, that I was able to stop dieting and obsessing.  Losing weight for
_any_ reason other than that it's something you want to do for yourself
and no one else is going to be a real mixed bag and is probably doomed to
failure.  There's a lot to be said for learning to like yourself no matter
what size you are (which is why I'm so enjoying this group).  Once an
individual gets to that point, I think he or she is much better able to
look at the weight-loss thing in a healthful way and make better decisions
about how (and if) one wants to do it.  

I've finally decided, as I think I've mentioned, to just stop overeating. 
I do want to lose weight, mostly for the sake of my feet and energy level.
But I don't long anymore to achieve some weird societal ideal, and I don't
have delusions that body size is going to affect the relationships in my
life in any way that matters to me.  

One thing really hit me recently ... I'll be seeing my dad over
Thanksgiving.  In the past, I would diet frantically before seeing him --
or else binge compulsively.  He has always had a major thing about weight,
and we have a painful history over that issue.  

It hit me yesterday that I haven't even considered what my dad will think
about my weight this year.  It honestly didn't cross my mind one way or
the other.  I don't want to discuss it with him, and will tell him so if
he brings it up, but aside from that I have absolutely no agenda.  His
problem with overweight is really and truly *his* problem.  Not mine.

Amazing!  And wonderful!

  

-- 
The trick of reason is to get the imagination to seize the actual world --
if only from time to time.     -- Annie Dillard, "An American Childhood"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lauren Crawford  //  crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu
Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks