From: andy@pangea.Stanford.EDU (Andy Michael USGS Guest)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Non-Traditional Wedding Ceremonies
Date: 18 Nov 1992 01:29:06 GMT
Organization: Stanford Univ. Earth Sciences
NNTP-Posting-Host: pangea.stanford.edu

In article <dumic-161192181557@apamea.swarthmore.edu> dumic@cc.swarthmore.edu (Mark J. Dumic) writes:
>My fiancee and I are planning what I guess you would call a non-traditional
>wedding ceremony.
....
>One line that we are trying to walk is to be
>sensitive to parents and guests who are more comfortable with "standard"
>weddings yet we want to incorporate something that makes sense for us. 
Good for you.  The families are part of this (IMHO).

>Stories, suggestions, ideas are welcome.
Well here, goes.  It's sort of long and has been posted here before, but
not for a year or so.  Hope it helps someone.

Andy

  THE WEDDING OF STEPHANIE ROSS AND ANDY MICHAEL, JUNE 30, 1985

We were forced to write our own ceremony because we are from different
religions and, for some unknown reason, we never even considered
getting a JP to run a civil ceremony.  The result, IMHO, was a moving
yet simple ceremony that expressed exactly what we wanted:  that
marriage was about celebrating the union of two people, although that
union has already taken place, and about the union of two families.

In some outward respects our wedding looked very traditional.
Stephanie wore her mothers wedding dress, I wore tails, there were six
bridesmaids in the usual matching dresses, and six ushers in tuxes.  We
had a processional and recessional and music and such.  The one really
obvious difference was that no one led the ceremony.  The only
difficulty that could have caused was that we had to stay calm because
we couldn't count on anyone else to remember the order of events
(although there were programs and we did have a rehersal).  In fact one
person did read out of order because they were excited and nervous.
But it certainly didn't matter.  Fortunately, staying calm was easy
because we both feel that deciding to get married was the easiest
decision we ever made. :-)  We were so calm we even spent part of the
ceremony pointing out crying relatives and friends to each other. :-)

Without a church or temple or courthouse to get married in we were
free to pick our own spot.  We found a restaurant that has two
wedding reception rooms and a large lakefront back lawn.  The
funny thing is that with such a prime setup no one had ever gotten
married there before.  But now that we broke the ice it has happenned
since.  (If anyone is getting married near Syracuse, NY I heartily
endorse Borio's Restaurant on Lake Oneida.  They were wonderfully
helpful.).  In our crowd outdoor weddings are more common than
church affairs.

The stand around type of wedding sound nice, but with elderly relatives
and 130 people we thought chairs were in order.  We rented folding
chairs from a rental place (check the Yellow Pages under rentals) and
we set them up with the attendants.  For a backdrop we had the lake, of
course, and my father-in-law built a lattice arch with little picket
fences coming out of each side.  We stood in front of the arch, which
provided a good visual center.  We also had a portable lectern with
built in microphone and amplifier that we were able to borrow from a
local universities audio/visual department (it might have helped that
part of the a/v department was there).  For the programs we did camera
ready copy on a laser printer and then took the artwork for the cover
and the text to a offset printer.

Here's the order of events:
1. The opening music was Emmy Lou Harris's "Heart to Heart" sung and
   played by Stephanie's brother-in-law Eddie (he becomes important later).

2. The processional started with Morning by Peer Gynt for the ushers,
   followd by me with both of my parents, followed by the bridesmaids
   and flower girl.  Then the music switched to the waltz from Swan Lake
   for Stephanie with her parents.  The only unusual thing here is
   that all of the parents were in the processional.

3. The service started with the Maid of Honor reading a poem by Gwen
   Frostic called "A New Beginning" that deals with the cycle of nature.
   Then the Best Man read a reading we found that dealt with how a
   wedding celebrates the inner union that has already taken place and
   that while religions can bless it and the state can make it legal that
   the real wedding has already taken place and this is simply an
   opportunity to celebrate it with family and friends.  The poem and
   the reading are reproduced at the end.

4. Next each of our parents got to read or say whatever they wanted to.
   And they didn't all tell us what that was going to be beforehand,
   so there were some surprises here.  Her dad couldn't decide, so we
   picked a reading for him and her mom had him do one of the Psalm's
   too.  My mother read a piece about the oneness of mankind from the
   Reform Jewish Home Prayer book.  Then her mom read something she had
   written about us which was quite long and very wonderful.  It lead to
   a great moment, when she left the lectern she and my mom hugged each
   other.  It was just a small spontaneous gesture that I'm glad could
   exist in our wedding because it wasn't overly choreographed.  Then my
   father read the Song of Songs (the good honest (read sensual) translation).

5.  After that we said our vows to each other without prompting.  I said a
    line and then she said it back and then added a line and I would repeat
    that one and add another...  Hence neither of us was leading the other;
    we did it together.  At the end we exchanged rings and Eddie and his wife
    Chris did a duet of "One Hand, One Heart" from West Side Story.

6.  To close the service my father and her mother lead everyone in the
    Apache Wedding Prayer (also printed below) as a responsive reading.
    It was really nice to hear everyone join together in that.

7.  The recessional was done to more music from Swan Lake (one of the party
    scenes) and in addition to having the wedding party pair up we also
    had our parents leave coupled across the families (her mom with my dad
    and my mom with her dad) in order to fully symbolize the joining of the
    two families.

If anyone has made it this far they may be wondering how this was a
legal wedding.  Eddie was born Jewish but is now a fundamentalist
Christian pastor.  Given his background, and what a family oriented
loving person he is, he was willing to sign our license.  If that
couldn't have been managed we would have just skipped out to the
courthouse with a couple of friends the Friday before and taken care of
the legal stuff separately.  It is nicer that it happenned together
and that we were able to keep it in the family, but it wouldn't have
bothered us the other way.

I hope this helps someone in thinking about their own wedding.  One fun
part in writing your own service is reading a lot of poetry and
readings and trying to find ones you like.  The amazing thing is we
often picked the same ones out of any given book.  The Apache Wedding
Prayer was found in a set of readings lent us by some friends.  They
had gotten the set from the JP that did their wedding and had chosen a
Kahil Gibran piece and neither of them liked the Apache Wedding
Prayer.  Without knowing this we both picked the Apache Wedding Prayer
as something we loved and thought the Kahil Gibran piece was totally
inappropriate for a wedding (although I understand it is a wedding
classic).  So one of the things you get to do while planning the
service is learn what each other thinks about marriage, a valuable
lesson, IMHO.  I certainly enjoy any opportunity to think about ours
and am always look forward to the yearly viewing of the wedding
video on our anniversary.

Andy

Here are the three readings read by the Maid of Honor, the Best Man,
and the responsive reading that ended the service.

"A New Beginning" By Gwen Frostic

On this earth there is a oneness
 A rhythmic flow through everything that lives
The things with roots and stems and leaves
 The things with shells and fins and furs
The things with wings with which to fly
 The things that crwal and those that walk
Each thing must eat and breath and rest
 Each thing must seek and each is sought for
Each has a birth, a purpose to fulfill
 To each an end and then a new beginning.

"On Marriage" Anonymous (remember to substitute your names! :-) )

We are gathered here today to join together Stephanie and Andy in
marriage.  An estate instituted in love, occassioned by joy, and
honored and renewed by each man and woman who pledge themselves to
one another.  It is therefore not by any to be entered into
unadvisedly or lightly, but with discretion and reverence for its
responsibilities as well as with praise and delight for its
inexpressible gifts.  This celebration is an outward token of an
inward union of hearts.  Which religions may bless and the state
make legal, but which neither the state nor religions can create or
anull.  A union created by loving purpose and kept by abiding will.
It is for us merely to acknowledge the true marriage which already
exists in these two hearts.


The Apache Wedding Prayer

(we did this as a responsive reading, lines marked L were read by
the leaders, those marked A were read by all).

Now you will feel no rain,                                        L
  For each of you will be shelter to the other.                   A
Now you will feel no cold,                                        L
  For each of you will be warmth to the other.                    A
Now there is no more loneliness,                                  L
  For each of you will be companion to the other.                 A
Now you are two bodies,                                           L
  But there is only one life before you.                          A
Go now to your dwelling place                                     L
  To enter into the days of your togetherness                     L
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.                A