From: das@media.mit.edu (David Sheppard)
Subject: Re: The first step is a lu-lu! (long)
Organization: MIT Media Laboratory
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1992 18:51:16 GMT

heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) writes:
> [...] something clicked today, something that triggered years of
>anxiety and insecurity. Something trivial seems to have nearly driven
>me to desperation. 
> [...]                       I feel trapped because I feel
>as though I will have a nervous breakdown if I *don't* have a drink,
>but I'm afraid I'll eventually have a nervous breakdown if I do have a
>drink.
>
Reality sinks in: the tide is turning because you can see how your
old path leads *away from life*, and your new path, even though it
is unfamiliar and frightening, is *towards* life.  The old patterns
& fears will FIGHT like the devil as you take their power away.
But the power is yours and you need to claim it as your own, as
you are doing now.

>Meanwhile the "voices" ring on, some laughing, some cajoling, and the
>loudest of them weeping. There is no corner of my mind I can crawl
>into where I can't hear them.  I've tried every thing in my power to
>make them shut up, and nothing works.    [...]    My
>sorrows have refused to be drowned.  There seems to be nothing I can
>do.
>
Listen to them.  Your sorrows are real, legitimate feelings.
This isn't to say that you have to feel them all at once and let
them overwhelm you, but denying they exist and repressing them only
leads to a backlog of unfelt feelings which builds and builds until
the dam bursts.  It's wise and prudent to let the flood gates open
once in a while to reduce the pressure, and also to learn what these
feelings have to teach us.

In time you will recognize which voices are useful and which are
bullshit.  But they all have at least some fragment of truth in
them, however twisted, and they truths don't have to jibe with 
each other.   You'll hear "I'm fucked up, I'm a horrible person!" 
and at the same time, "No, I'm not bad, I'm ok, I just feel trapped."
They are both true.  Not that you are horrible, but the you that
you've created that doesn't let life in has cut itself off and 
*does* feel horrible.  But your true self is beyond judgement.

>Until now, I've had trouble with the first step :"We admitted we were
>powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
>
>I hit that one word 'powerless' like a brick wall, and then I stopped.
>I hate the very idea of being powerless, but here I am trapped between
>my mind and a bottle, feeling like I'm crawling around on my hands
>and knees like a baby, not knowing what to do. So maybe powerless is
>what I am.
>
>I don't know how I feel about God, or HP. I've tried him before, and
>he's let me get hurt before. 
>
Where you see the source from which life springs is an individual
thing.  Some feel so powerless in themselves that they have to imagine
a powerful God as being _outside_ of them.   Others find the primal
spark in the source of life within themselves, the source of love,
will and power.   For me, there is a fundamental oneness underlying
the many faces and natures of God.  I see God as having created the
universe _out_of_himself_, so that we are inside and all exist as
parts of the body of God.  (herself/Goddess included too)

When I'm tired or drained, I need to accept more help and energy from
outside, and God is more external.  As I get clearer and more grounded,
I can more clearly see my own truths and connections from the inside.

God is not a cure for pain, nor a protection from what might cause pain.
Look at nature--it's not painless; your body may be savagely eaten at
any time.  But it's not cruel, as such.  It's simply the animal way.  
Animals feed each other that way.  Plants live in a plant way.  
Humans live a human way, on a rugged journey from  animal nature toward 
a constant awareness of divine nature.

The goal is in the living.  Find the God/Goddess wherever and however
works best for you, be it praying in church, walking in the woods,
meditating, gospel singing, watching a thunderstorm, playing with a
child, whatever.  You exist because God wants to see the world through
your eyes, so take a good look.

>     I've spent most of my life controlling
>pain. Going to great lengths not to let myself feel any pain, and
>eventually unlearning to ability to even cry when I want to (and I
>want to now, but I find I cant), because I was afraid once that if I
>started I would simply never stop.  And I've never been able to
>completely regain trust in anyone who ever hurt me, or let me be hurt.
>

Avoiding pain is a useful ability in the short run, in that it can
help keep you alive.  But if one gets carried away with avoidance,
life gets pushed away!  When you push away painful experiences, you
also lose the pleasures and wisdom that come with those experiences.
No experience is purely good or bad--they're all mixed.  I avoided 
and denied for decades, lived in my head, didn't let life in.  Then 
I wondered why I felt empty and isolated!

You don't have to figure this all out in your head, you just have to
get through it.  The conscious mind is useful and all, but you'll need
the strength, power and support of your whole being in order to turn
around and face life head-on.  Your brain alone can't fix you.  Nor
can your ego.  But God in the form the eternal part of you, and the
great powers that bring your body into being and sustain you from day
to day, will change your life.  

The force that keeps you alive organizes billions of cells and complex
processes every second of the day.  You are re-made continually, and
you can remake yourself in a healthier way than before, but this
involves LETTING GO of the old fear-based habits.  And this FEAR will
make you afraid to let go.  "I'll *DIE*!" it screams.  Yes, it is
a death, but it is also a rebirth, at the same time.

God also comes in the form of true friends, gifts and revelations,
seemingly insurmountable problems and everyday challenges--you will
experience all of these in the days ahead, but you THE TRUE YOU
SURVIVES because it _cannot_be_destroyed_.  No matter what.  It is
true, it's eternal.  The _patterns_ in your life, the _ideas_ of who 
you are, your "problems" and challenges, these will all change and 
pass away.

The core essence of _you_ and your connection to God in whatever form
you find her, this is beyond our world of matter and time.

>I'm rambling on and on, but I find myself at the first step now, ready
>to admit to myself and others that I have a problem which I am
>powerless to fix. 
>
>What do I do now?
>
Connect with your eternal *I*, wherever you find it.  In doing so 
you will receive the power you need to survive, and also to triumph.

--das dave

>Terrance Heath 
>heath@athena.cs.uga.edu


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