From: deragon@jed.cs.nyu.edu (Seeker)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Assignment of Sexual Rights
Date: 22 Jan 1993 00:18:58 -0600
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.utexas.edu


	I saw this in a pull-out ad in the British Edition of GQ magazine.
I got a laugh out of it, and thought I would share it...  





     A S S I G N M E N T   O F   S E X U A L   R I G H T S 
     -----------------------------------------------------

	made the   /   /   (date)

	BETWEEN

	Name:___________________________________________________________

	Address:________________________________________________________

	________________________________________________________________

	of the one part
	(the female party, hereinafter called "the Assignor")

	- AND -

	Name:___________________________________________________________

	Address:________________________________________________________

	________________________________________________________________

	of the other part
	(the male party, hereinafter called "the Assignee")

	WHEREAS:

	A. The Assignor is absolute owner of her body and person
	B. The Assignor has agreed to certain rights of possession of her
	   person to the Assignee upon and subject to the terms and 
	   conditions hereinafter appearing

	WHEREBY IT IS AGREED as follows:

 I.

	In the event that the Assignor agrees to leave the restaurant/place
	of entertainment/other venue in the company of the Asignee with the 
	express purpose of repairing with the Assignee to his place of 
	residence, the Assignor hereby warrants and undertakes the Assignee
	that:

	(1) the Assignor is willing to consider discussions of intimacy by 
	virtue of having decided to accompany the Asignee inside his place
	of residence
	PROVIDED THAT the record/tape cassette/CD collection of the Assignee
	is not of a ludicrous nature

	(2) the Assignor is willing to seat herself on the sofa in a position
	adjecent to the Assignee
	PROVIDED THAT the Assinee offers the Assignor a hot beverage of
	decaffeinated coffee or camomile tea in a mug that is not chipped
	at the rim.

	(3) that the Assignor is willing to submit herself to the gaze of the
	Assignee
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee makes a suitable complimentary remark about
	her visage without resort to vulgar cliche', and
	PROVIDED THAT he does not take an unreasonable period of time to throw
	his arm across the back of the sofa and therby assume an open and non-
	frigid bodily attitude towards the Assignor
	
	(4) the Assignor grants permission to the Assignee to perform an 
	osculation (hereinafter refered to as "a kiss") upon her lips

	(5) the Assignor grants permission to the Assignee to introduce his
	tounge into her oral cavity for the purpose of mutual stimulation
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee takes all resonable steps to insure that his
	tongue, mouth, and breat are not unpleasantly scented, and
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee indemnifies the Assignor against all costs
	and expenses incurred in connection with the dislodgement of dental
	work.

 II.
	
	In the event that the Assignor answers affirmative to the question of 
	the Assignee "Do you wish to have an emotionall fulfilling experience 
	that involves our removing all out clothes and rediscovering the ways of
 	our ancestors?", the Assignor hereby warrants and undetakes that she is 
	free of all encumbrance in the way of sexually transmittable disease 
	insofar as she has taken all resonable steps to ascertain her medical 
	condition in this regard by means of an HIV test
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee warrants and undertakes the same

 III.

	The Assignor herby warrants and undertakes the Assignee that:
	(1) the Assignor will remove her clothing with despatch
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee undertakes not to cause delay by taking
	time to fold his clothing

	(2) the Assignor is prepared to perform an act of oral stimulation upon
	the genitalia of the Assignee (hereinafter called "the member")

	(3) the Assignor will keep in mind at all times the fact that said 
	member is sensitive to unintended scraping action of human teeth.

	(4) the Assignor grants permission for the Assignee to perform an act of
	oral stimulation upon the genitalia of the Assignor (hereinafter called
	"the perfumed garden")
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee undertakes to discover the precise 
	whereabouts of the clitoris (hereinafter called "the love button"), 
	of the Assignor and to apply his tongue gently and vigorously thereto, 
	and PROVIDED THAT such stimulation is applied continously for a minimum
	period of _____ minutes and a maximum period of _____ minutes (if
	indeterminate, this space should be left blank)

	(5) the Assignor grants permission for the Assignee to introduce his
	member into the perfumed garden for the purpose of performing sexual 
	intercourse with her
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignee agress to perform his material obligations
	in respect to the said act, namely he should engage enthusiastically
	in sexual congress for a minimum period of ____ minutes and a maximum
	period of ____ minutes (or blank as above)
	
	(6) the Assignor will not make any exclamations or ululations as 
	counterfeit of achieving the state of satisfaction commonly known
	as "the orgasm"
	
	(7) the Assignor will duly perform all of her material obligations 
	arising out of this agreement.

 IV.

	The Assignee hereby warrants and undertakes the Assignor that:
	
	(1) the Assignee has about his person a sufficient supply of 
	prophylactic barries and and that he will introduce such barriers 
	into the proceedings with all due delicacy.

	(2) in permitting the Assignor to perform an act or oral stimulation
	upon his member he does not allow his thrustings of said member to 
	exceed resonable bounds

	(3) the Assignee will give full rien to exclamations of pleasure and
	delight in token of his earnest desire to avoid embarrasment to the
	Assignor who may otherwise be ashamed at achieving satisfaction in
	advance of him

	(4) the Assignee will initiate a post-coital conversation of reasonable
	duration about significant issues in the field of sexual politics not
	merely confined to the enquiry "Was it good for you?" and will make 
	comments about the person of the Assignee which are to her advantage.

	(5) the Assignee will also supply a copious amount of kisses to the
	Assignor

  V.

	In the event that the Assignor elects to return home after sexual 
	congress and the aforesaid reasonable period of post-coital 
	conversation, the Assignee hereby warrants and undertakes the Assignor 
	that:

	(1) the Assignee will make the call for a local minicab/taxi to 
	transport the Assignor to her residence, or

	(2) the Assignee will offer to accompany the Assigor on her journey home

 VI.

	In the event that the Assignor elects to stay the night at the residence
	of the Assignee the said Assignee hereby warrants and undertakes the 
	Assignor that:

	(1) the Assignee will furnish a pillow for the Assignor even if that
	pillow is the only one available

	(2) the Assignee will have removed from prominent display in the 
	bathroom all medicinal treatments for common male ailments (eg: 
	athlete's foot powder/Quellada lotion for the extermination of 
	crustaceans, etc.)

	(3) the Assignee will have removed from prominent display in the bedroom
	all photographic representation of present and/or former girlfriends.

	(4) the Assignee will offer the Assignor first bath the following morning
	without any ulterior thought that in doing so he might ensure that a 
	cooked breakfast will await him on the kitchen table when he emerges
	from the bathroom

	(5) the Assignee will keep a reserve of frozen croissants and orange 
	juice and will offer such comestibles to the Assignor

	(6) the Assignee will take due and proper care to address the Assignor
	by her own forename and not that of another person of indeterminate 
	status

	(7) the Assignee will furnish a steam iron so that the Assignor may 
	press her garment(s) for use the following morning.

 VII.

	The Assignee hereby warrants and undertakes the Assignor that:

	(1) the Assignee will establish contact with the Assignor at some stage
	during the 24 hours following the date
	PROVIDED THAT the Assignor undertakes not to subject the workplace of
	the Assignee to a brrages of calls and messages
	
	(2) the Assignee will within a reasonable period bestow some token of 
	affection upon the Assignor

	(3) the Assignee will duly perform all his material obligations arising
	out of this agreement

____________________________________________________________________________

	AS WITNESS the hands of the parties hereto the day and year first
above written

	SIGNED by ______________________________________________________________

	in the presence of _____________________________________________________

	
	SIGNED by ______________________________________________________________

	in the presence of _____________________________________________________