From: amz@iguana.cis.ohio-state.edu (Arnold M Zwicky)
Subject: squirrel stories
Followup-To: rec.gardens
Summary: they'll eat through anything
Keywords: squirrels, deranged, bird feeders
Organization: outil, osu, lsa, stanford,...
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 00:46:51 GMT

#1.  after our giant box elder tree died, we built this structure
of cedar slats, for silver fleece vine to grow on and to hang
a bird feeder from, over the remains.  thinking ourselves clever,
we got this plastic feeder with a dome top over the whole thing
and eight discreet plastic perches well under the dome and we
filled it with black sunflower seed.  for months we enjoyed the
spectacle of squirrels sliding off the dome and falling onto the
mattress of sunflower hulls underneath.  then they gave up, and
we had The False Honeymoon.

a year later a squirrel of sterner stuff, well, a deranged squirrel,
came along and *would not* give up, and somehow managed to, omigod,
chew off the plastic perches, one by one.  this did not net the
squirrel any more seeds, but perhaps the creature felt a sense of
malicious accomplishment.  we never caught the perp(s) in action.

jacques, a ridiculously patient person, methodically fashioned new
perches out of heavy wire covered with heavy plastic, and those
lasted for years (except that every so often a squirrel would
run off its rocker and rip the perches off - but we had only to
snap them back on).  what we never figured out is how the squirrel(s)
managed to gnaw off that *eighth* perch.  where did they stand?
jacques - by then somewhat deranged himself - fantasized that they
levitated, emitting sheer squirrelenergy, five feet off the ground.

this happened again, after the old feeder's threading screwed itself
to death, so to speak, and we replaced it with a new edition.  three
years of honeymoon, then sudden perch death.  eight new snap-in
perches fashioned by my man, then *weeks* when i had to grub around on
the ground, retrieve the errant perches, and snap every one of them
back on...every day.  then this feeder too eroded away, and now it
appears not to be made any more.  

the new number is called Squirrel's Dilemma, and so far its wire outer
defenses and its metal cap seem to be keeping the loonies at bay.  but
one wonders...

#2.  ok, we have a bird feeder, so we also have a stock of seed,
which we economically buy in fifty-pound bags.  where to store them?

the first idea was to keep them in the garage (which is really just a
giant storage room anyway, not at all suitable for a car any more).
but then field mice chewed through the bags, and we had to try to trap
the mice and kill them.  there were a great many mice; actually, the
environment here supplies as many mice as the traffic will bear, which
is a lot more than jacques and i will bear.

then we tried storing the bags in a corner of the kitchen.  which
worked fine until we went away for a year and left the house in
the care of The Tenant From Hell.  right before we got back, TTFH
mentioned that he'd noticed some moths.  *some moths*...this was
nightmare stuff, with clouds of little brown moths swooping all
over the kitchen (and the downstairs bathroom, and the dining
room, and the study, and sometimes the living room too).  they were
grain moths, and apparently no bag of sunflower seed can be guaranteed
to be free of them.  let them sit around and ferment, and it's
definitely exponential-growth time.

a year later, we have almost eliminated the grain moths.  occasionally
one appears, who knows from where, in our bedroom, or in the cellar.

jacques went and bought a really macho item: rubbermaid's [ok, that
name is kinky but not really macho] BRUISER, a truly heavy-plastic
garbage can with a snap-lock top.  he put the bags of seed in the
BRUISER on the back porch, clamped that guy shut, and went to bed
feeling virtuous and accomplished.

the next day i noticed nibbling at the edges of the BRUISER's lid.

the day after that there were distinct holes in the handle on top
of the BRUISER's lid.

the next day jacques came upon this primal vignette: a squirrel was
doing serious injury to the handle, opening up the BRUISER's delicious
innards, with a chipmunk poised next to the squirrel.  jacques figured
the squirrel was saying, "ok, kid, i've blasted out the safe, now slip
in there and bring out the loot".  the damage was extensive.

at this point the humans got deranged.  we humped the BRUISER into
the garage, and jacques wrapped its handle in heavy-duty strapping
tape, through which no mere mouse could gnaw.  and closed the
*REALLY* *HEAVY* garage door, through which no mere squirrel could gnaw.

this is where we stand.  it's not exactly convenient to fill the
bird feeder, but we are at the moment not besieged by mice, moths,
or squirrels.  who knows what tomorrow will bring.

arnold