From: dvandom@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (David VanDomelen)
Subject: Re: THE 501 BLUES: THE FINAL BATTLE FOR R.A.C. (part 2)
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 01:26:03 GMT

Actually, Dial "D" for dvandom wasn't feeling very villainous that night, and 
it was after midnight, so after kicking Dyzlexia for putting an H in his name, 
he dialed up a brief breather for Our Heroes, in the form of
               Letter.Man!!!!!!!!!!
     Letter.Man stood there with a goofy grin on his face and said, "We've got 
a lovely show for you tonight, everybody.  Tonight we do our Viewer Email."  
Letter.Man pulled out some blue cards and began to read from them.
     "Letter number one.  'Dear Dave, what exactly *are* your net.powers?' and 
it's signed Mark Friedman from Columbus Ohio.  Well, Mark, I'm not sure.  Paul,
do you know what my powers are?"
     A wimpy looking person who, much like Lurking Lad had remained unnoticed 
up til then said, "Could it be your ability to survive in even the most 
inhospitable timeslot?"
     "Could be..." muttered Letter.Man.  "Hal, do you have a clue as to what my
powers are?"
     A voice came out of nowhere and scared the cr*p out of Rebel Yell and Typo
Lad, saying "Well, Dave, I think it's the ability to take any group of people 
and make them sit in front of the screen for an hour and come away thinking 
they've been entertained."
     "Does that answer your question, Mark?  Okay, letter number two comes from
Hans Kartoffelkopf, secret agent and all around John Constantine ripoff.  He 
writes, 'Dave, I have heard of your problems with stalkers, those twisted 
individuals who follow you like an unpaid phone bill and stick closer to you 
than a bale of cactus needles after you've fallen in it, and I think you should
take more decisive action.  Nothing deters one of those scum who for pleasure 
think nothing of passing barbed wire through the nostrils of twenty Cub Scouts 
and then stuffing them in a bus locker in Queens like taking a ball of blazing 
tar and....'   Sorry, Hans, but the rest of your demented film-noir-like letter
couldn't make it past the network censors.  In any case, I've hired several 
Net.Heroes to patrol my house, now that the destruction of r.a.c. will leave 
them out of a job."  Letter.Man tossed the card behind him and there was a 
sound of breaking glass.  He leaned conspiratorily toward the two LNHers and 
said in a funny voice, "I've got a message for all you kids out there....  Hey 
kids."
     Letter.Man leaned back again and said (to no one Rebel Yell could see) 
"How are we on time?  Okay?  Okay, now we'll do the Top Ten List from the Home 
Office in Milwaukee Wisconsin <cheers emanted from all around>.  Tonight's Top 
Ten List is 'Top Ten Reasons Crossover Queen Is Incapable Of Conquering R.A.C.'
     10: RAC dies Sept 30 anyway
     9: She chose Quayle as her running mate
     8: If Captain Continuity can't keep track of this mess, who can possibly
          conquer it?
     7: NBC already bought RAC and plans to show reruns of Dallas on it
     6: No competent person would *want* to rule this place
     5: The LNH will easily stop her (yeah, right)
     4: All of her funds were tied up in Hawaiian beachfront property
     3: Her army was vacationing in that beachfront property
     2: *Everybody* knows that whenever a villain causes a crossover, that
          villain is pounded into hamburger helper by the end of the crossover
And the number one reason Crossover Queen has shown herself incapable of 
conquering RAC,
     1: Two words: New Mutants!"
     Applause thundered all about as Rebel Yell tried to figure out what was 
going on here.
     "We'll take a break for commercial, and then we'll have our first guest, 
the Time Crapper!  And we all know how painful that can be."
     How would Rebel Yell escape before Time Crapper arrived and bored him to 
death with plugs for his newest title?  Already Typo Lad had that faxed slime 
(fixed smile) of the Letter.Man studio audience, and Yell could feel his brain 
going!  D"D"D had left longago, and Sig Lad (who had permanently split from 
D"D"forD) was *still* trapped on alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo.  What would he do???
     Dave Van Domelen, saw the "new" Blade Runner today, was disappointed by 
"new ending", which was neither new nor an ending
Xref: sparky alt.comics.lnh:4 rec.arts.comics:23053