From: fulloa@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (DarkWing)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Net Abbreviations
Date: 15 Apr 92 06:03:46 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

...SIMPLY PUT...WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE.....

	Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
	After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following 
	topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her 
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she 
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at
3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you
know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're
a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". 
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if
all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer 
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove 
effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function as 
adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving 
each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely 
work out.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's magazines also
feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the female body is a 
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's 
body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-
scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with 
circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and 
"g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she's 
dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, 
and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get 
very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions
of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and 
wait it out.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average 
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be 
able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys 
these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a 
lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks
good.  By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed 
tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will 
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip 
on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later
she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.  A man will wear 
the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the 
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" 
number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a 
woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as 
soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men 
kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist 
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some short 
people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of the boxers
is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must have hurt."  The
man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, 
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings
, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.  Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of 
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of 
clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the 
laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, 
American Style."

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men talk 
about "the bachelor party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women wear 
strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of
clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob and 
Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as 
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.


Eating out:

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 
bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything 
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.  When the girls 
get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are 
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors
, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated 
emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree of 
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving 
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks
, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, 
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be
a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will 
drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've
found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I
recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who admitted he was
wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men hate 
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they
get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated 
juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails 
on command.  Video games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 
6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man 
waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state of the
art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.  Women 
purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course women always end up taking better 
pictures.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things:  money, football, and women.  
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they 
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one 
thing in the locker room -- sex.  And not in abstract terms, either.  They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.  Men use 
garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is 
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.  The 
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  This is 
another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with wearing one 
ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer 
named Vic.