From: sg@tredysvr.Tredydev.Unisys.COM (Susanne Gilliam)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Maternity lv and day care
Date: 6 Jan 93 13:46:15 GMT
Organization: /usr/lib/news/organization

In article <KAYVAN.92Dec28185458@satyr.Sylvan.COM> kayvan@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Kayvan Sylvan) writes:
>In article <ddg-241292084132@dgregorio.mitre.org> ddg@mitre.org (Donna D. Gregorio) writes:
>
>   I am expecting my second child in May and am trying to decide what to do
>   about continuing Day Care for my first 2.5 yr old daughter while on
>   maternity leave (3 months).  I would like to take her out of Day Care and
>   spend the time with her and the new baby.  I've been told by the Day Care
>   center director and others that this may negatively affect her, since she's
>   used to going to Day Care now 3 days a week.  Anyone have any
>   advice/experience they'd like to share?  Thanks in advance.
>
>The daycare people may have the best of intentions, but I think they
>are misguided. As cynical as this may sound, your taking your daughter
>out of their hands may decrease their income, and you should take that
>into consideration when evaluating their advice.
>
>			---Kayvan
>

  I'd modify the above response to "...*may* have motivations beyond the
best interests of the child...".   I really believe it depends on the
child, the parent, and the new baby.  And I think that thinking about
the problem from all three angles is important.
  In our case, my son was 3.25 years when his sister was born.  I had a
month off before she finally arrived, and 3.5 months after.  It was clear
from the beginning that it was going to be best for *everyone* if he
stayed in full time care.  He is a child for whom consistency is king,
and he is *very* slow to adjust to changes.  Having to make two very
significant changes in 4.5 months (care to home, and then home to care at
the end) would have been very hard on him.  Even a part time scheme was
going to mean two major adjustments in a fairly short period of time.
  Thinking about my new baby, I felt very strongly that second children
may not always get the lavish time and attention that first kids do
(and that isn't always a negative), but that I was not going to deny
her my full time and attention right from the start.  We needed time to
get her established in the world, and to cement our relationship during
those first months, and trying to take care of both children would   
deny her the opportunity he had.             
  Thinking about me, I knew I was going to need a lot of sleep.  I recovery
slowly; my body is just like that.  I need more than average amounts of
sleep even when there are no extra demands on my body, and the combined
demands of healing/recovering AND milk production means I need massive
amounts of extra sleep; not easy to come by when you have an older child
that naps for far less time than an infant (on average).  I knew I could
be a better parent for him AND her if I got enough rest.    
  We trust our day care providers a great deal, and when we ran the question
by them, just out of curiosity, they made all the same points we had about
our son, and uniformly felt that continuity should be the overriding concern
for him.  I don't think this was financially motivated; they always have a
waiting list and could have filled the spot -- I think it stemmed from a
true analysis of my child and his particular needs.
  Of course, for many people with very limited paid time off, financial
implications may very well make up their minds for them, but the original
requestor doesn't seem to be in that position.  We saved extra beforehand
to carry us thru the time without pay.
  One other point that many people often seem to push into the background
is that in todays world, your day care spot may not wait for you.  Your
provider needs a steady income, and waiting 4 months to get back up to
a full income isn't going to look very attractive to them.  Many places
will go along with some kind of temporary part time scheme, but not all,
and you need to ask before you make your plans.  If you don't like the
place that well, it could be a nice chance to switch, but if the child
is going to stay, you'd better find out what their policies are.
  We were lucky.  My son adored his baby sister and never seemed to feel
pushed away/slighted/jealous as he and Daddy went off each day, my
daughter was an easy baby that settled quickly into a routine, and I
got the sleep I needed to keep it all going.  He got concentrated
attention from me when he was home, and the variety of friends and
activities while he wasn't.  Not everybody has their choices work
out so well.  We could have just as well looked back at a 4 month
nightmare and seen that the toll on him had been terrible, and had not
really accomplished any of our goals.  But you have to go with the
best you can figure out at the time, and make adjustments as seem
warrented.
  Many parents, moms particularly, seem to feel very badly about not
wanting their older child home with them full time after a new baby,
and I think that stops many of them from seriously considering the
option.  And for many people it just isn't the right choice.  I have
friends that have run the whole range, from the woman that returned
full time 2 weeks after her child was born (her doctor wouldn't let
her come back sooner), thru the friends that revelled in the time to
be "just our family" in a more intense and day to day way than they
usual got to do.  Consider your full range of choices from all viewpoints
before discarding any.

					Susanne Gilliam

Newsgroups: misc.kids