From: hjl@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (hyeon.jeong.lee)
Subject: stay-home vs. working parents
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: bl
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 16:35:47 GMT


Recently, I have read couple of articles arguing that parents should
be willing to spend at least 5 years with their children.  One article
even SEEMED to me condemning parents who work out of love for work,
not for the financial reasons (I think the author was J.T. Leedom, but
I am not sure.  I rarely have the time to read more than a couple of
articles a day.  Today is a rare day when the technical memo finally
went out, and I am starting my vacation tomorrow).

First of all, let me say this.  I work full time.  In fact, I came
back to work four weeks after my baby was born, though my paid 
maternity leave would give me 6 weeks off.  I love my work, and I am
dammed good at what I am doing.  I thrive on it.  It makes me feel 
good.  I like the fact that it allows my brain to be challenged on 
a continuous basis.  

Second, we LOVE Daniel (9 1/2 months now) to death.  We give all we
can.  He has 5 hours or more a day with me, my husband or us together 
(well, that is possible, since Daniel is a certified insomniac and 
rarely goes to bed before 11 or 11:30)

Third, Daniel is a VERY HAPPY baby.  Has always been.  Very
alert, curious, sociable.  Full of joy and zest.   We lucked
out.  We have a live-in nanny we selected very carefully, and treat
with more respect than we do our bosses at work.  It is working out 
splendidly.  They have formed a great bonding, and I am happy for it.  

Thus far, I have given you some back ground information.  Now,
I would like to ask this question:  What is so wrong to do
something that makes you happy as a person regardless of
whether you are a parent or not???  I really have a problem
with the line that goes like this: "HOW COULD YOU DO.....
IF YOU LOVE YOUR BABY?"  Unless you are talking about child
abusers, neglectful parents, people who don't care or love
their children, this line of thinking is pure B.S.  My
philosophy about being a parents can be summarized this way:

a. A happy, fulfilled person makes a better role model and
   a terrific parent.   If staying home with your children
   makes a happy person, by all means, please do so.  I
   never pass judgment on parents who stay home.  In my
   case, having a full, diversified life complete with
   a professional career, a good marriage, and a baby makes
   me very happy, and honestly, horror of horror to those
   judgmental people, my career is slightly more important
   than the other two.  This does not mean that I sacrifice
   the other two for my career.  It simply means that my
   identity is more embedded in my work than that as a wife 
   and mother.  And, I am not apologetic about it, since I 
   think I am as good a wife and mother as I can be.
    
b. A child needs to learn that the whole world does not
   revolve around them.  His/her needs are very important, but
   they do not COMPLETELY take precedence over other people's.
   Every child has some deficiency/obstacle to over come and 
   negotiate, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that
   Daniel does not have a PERFECT environment.  He has a good
   environment, and it's up to him as he grows older to do
   his best to make it even better.  We will help, but we will
   not put our lives on hold for him.  He will have to learn 
   to negotiate and assert himself.  I also want him to learn
   that I have needs too, and he needs to be considerate of
   them, tough maybe to a lesser degree than I am considerate
   of this.

   I am a Korean (by the way, for a smart, ambitious young girl,
   this is far more of a problem that any amount of "horrors"
   of not having a stay-home mother in this country.  You
   get subject to daily reminder why girls are inferior to
   boys, and why smart girls are nothing but trouble when
   they grow up.  My solution to this problem was to carefully
   plan an escape route since I was 12 or so, and execute it
   at an opportune time.  I left my country when I was 22).  
   My husband is an Israeli.  Before we got married, several
   peopled were "worried" about our future children.  Their
   confusion regarding identity, adjustment problems, etc,
   etc.  I TOTALLY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, dismissed all these.
   I dismiss with same confidence what some pundits would say
   to me to convince me that either one of us should stay
   home with Daniel.  Many challenges due to aberration from
   the norm can be just as enriching if handled right. 

   The way I see it, Daniel is lucky to have us as parents.  
   Having two people who are very much in love with each other 
   and totally devoted to him as parents is unusual luck.  If 
   he randomly chose two people as parents from the world 
   population, he would do much worse.  Granted, he could
   have a really perfect world with staying home parents, etc.
   But, life is imperfect, and he will have to learn to live
   in an imperfect world.  

Having said all this, let me add another line (I saved this
for last, since this may sound like a self defense, and I have
nothing to defend with regard to my decision to work full
time).
     
I think Daniel gets much, much, and much more out of us since
we work full time.  Certainly from me.  My job is very 
stressful with tight schedules and lots of demands.  However,
I do enjoy my work tremendously.  When I come home from a full 
day of hard work, I feel a surge of energy and appreciation and love 
for what I have at home.  It feels like I have been away months, and 
I am just dying to see him and spend time with him.   There was a
time when I stayed home with Daniel for a week or so when our nanny 
had to go home suddenly for two weeks.  I could just feel my
mental energy sapping away without an opportunity to function
as an adult in adult company exercising intellectually. 
Needlessly to say, this, I don't think is beneficial to
Daniel.

People who stay home should not pass judgment on
other parents for working out of choice.  Why are you so
judgmental of parents who choose to do something they love?
It's not your place to say what kind of parenting is the best
for other people.  If we all push people to be perfect
parents, how many other restrictions and unusual demands will
be put on even staying home parents in the name of "FOR YOUR
CHILDREN"?  How dare you serve cookies and ice cream (bad for
their teeth), etc, etc?  How dare you let them watch
non-beneficial TV programs, etc, etc??? Where will you draw a
line?   

Finally, I would like to point out that my life style is not
ideal and has a price of its own.  Since we try to give as much
as we have to Daniel while we are not working, we hardly have 
any time individually or together without him.  My husband and I 
have yet to go away even a day just the two of us except one 
dinner we had without him on our anniversary.  We stopped doing 
a lot of things we enjoyed doing - hiking in the mountains, going 
to shows, etc. 

I also realize that my choice does not apply to everybody.  If
I have to bring Dainel to a crummy day care center, I would
probably sing a different tune.  If I did not have a very
conscientious co-parent, the stress of managing everything
(career and home) by myself would make it counter-productive
on Daniel.  I realize some some people have much tough choices
than I.  

If you are happy staying home with your children, I am happy for 
you, and applaud your choice.  You should grant the same
courtesy to other parents who love to work with also a full
intention and capability to be loving parents.  Believe me, some
stay-home parents' narrow-minded version of "parenting" does not apply
to our family and many other happy families with happy working
parents. 

Newsgroups: misc.kids