HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Math, Stats & CS, Dalhousie University, Halifax, NS, Canada
From: franklin@ug.cs.dal.ca (Steve Franklin)
Subject: The Fall of the House of Windsor
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

Well being the season of Christmas and royal unrest, I felt that this
would be a fine opportunity for me to exercise my lyrical and whimsical
skills. Well, I probably failed miserably, but I still had fun doing it.
   Critiques, flames and general flattery can be sent to franklin@ug.cs.dal.ca

(Should be sung loudly to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree")


Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady Di,
I see thy future failing.
Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady Di,
Thy social image's ailing.

You married when, you were a child,
You should be cool, yet you are wild;

Oh Lady Di, Oh Lady diiiiii
Your bills, Chuck still is paying.


Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckie.
Fret not, your ears aren't homely.
Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckie.
I doubt that you'll be lonely.

With women all around thee mate,
While you were married, you liked to date.

Oh Prince Chuckie, Oh Prince Chuckieeeee...
You won't be king, I'm sorry.


Oh Dutchess Ferg, oh Dutchess Ferg,
I never really liked you.
Oh Dutchess Ferg, oh large ice-berg,
You're now ex-dutchess, boo-hoo.

You take your top off with your kids,
You date more men than Madonna did.

Oh Sara Ferg, oh Sara Ferg,
Whatever will you now do?


Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andy,
You should have waited longer...
Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andy,
Of porn stars you were fonder.

Life could be worse, from this point look,
At least your wife didn't write a book.

Oh Prince Andy, Oh Prince Andeeeee...
Although she's bigger, is she stronger?


Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne,
Why was your wedding tiny?
Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne,
You've got your man now finally! (?)

One's not enough, you need some more,
Perhaps you found your first a bore.

Oh Princess Anne, Oh Princess Anne,
The tabloids do not like thee.


Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz,
Your life must be quite shoddy.
Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz,
Your kids are most ungodly.

Your reign supreme, could be at end,
The British are not your best friend.

Oh Queen Eliz, Oh Queen Eliz....
How like thee taxes?      

---
Steve Franklin

(This is meant purely in jest. To those who feel it is offensive by nature, 
then forgive me. The last thing I want is a group of pro-monarchial
extremists toilet-papering my house in an outcry of anger. In fact, if it 
makes you feel any better...
"This post is based purely on fiction. Any character that appears to bear
semblance to an individual in real life is purely coincedental and should
be treated as such."


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Date: Sun, 13 Dec 92 3:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Refugee chicken
From: djmurphy@eng.umd.edu (David J. Murphy)
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, offensive


D:   Jul qvq gur Fbznyv puvpxra pebff gur ebnq?

N:   Gb rfpncr gb Rguvbcvn.


--
 david murphy             I'm a simple man, with complex tastes.
djmurphy@wam.umd.edu   (NeXTMail Accepted)   djmurphy@eng.umd.edu
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Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Christmas Values
From: spencer@spencer.unomaha.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk


A secretary said that this happened to her:

She was cooking in the kitchen with the TV on, but not paying much attention 
to it.  She heard the phrase "Christmas values" and thought about peace on 
Earth, good will to men, etc. and was disappointed to discover that they 
were refering to camcorders for $595.00.

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From: gnb@bby.com.au (Gregory Bond)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Ethnic Food
Keywords: offensive, chuckle
Date: 15 Dec 92 10:30:02 GMT


V jrag gb na Nsevpna erfgenhag ynfg avtug.  Vg jnf n cerggl pbby
cynpr.  Lbh fvg va n fnaq cvg sbe guerr ubhef naq gura fbzrbar qebcf n
ont bs jurng ba lbhe urnq.
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From: abennett@athena.mit.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Top Ten Reasons the British Lost the Colonies
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 14 Dec 92 09:30:02 GMT

Courtesy of the Massachusetts Historical Society:

TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES

10.  Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wig falling in your eyes.
  9.  Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away.
  8.  Colonists on steroids.
  7.  Spent too much time guessing who's gay in the royal family.
  6.  Their diet: tea and crumpets.  Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
  5.  Serious problems with snuff abuse.
  4.  Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats 
      of theirs.
  3.  We had Batman.
  2.  Wanted to get first draft choice.
  1.  Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"


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Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Stratus Computer, Inc.
From: dswartz@lectroid.sw.stratus.com (Dan Swartzendruber)
Subject: one-upmanship
Keywords: smirk, true


A friend of my dad's works for a US relief agency in Ethiopia.  
Recently he went to ship a package out of the country.  He was 
surprised to hear the clerk tell him that he needed
an export license to ship it, since he'd never needed one before.  
He quickly decided that the clerk wanted to be, ahem, greased, 
so he pulls out the local equivalent of a $10 bill
and says "Here's an export license.  It even has the 
president's picture on it."  Without missing a beat, the clerk 
fires back "I'm sorry sir, that form must be submitted in
triplicate!"  He winces and delves into his wallet again...


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Date: Sun, 13 Dec 92 12:20:01 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: roper@chinet.chi.il.us (Bill Roper)
Subject: National health plan
Keywords: topical, chuckle

A joke making the rounds of my friends...
 
Q:  Why was baby Jesus born in a stable?
 
A:  His parents were in an HMO.
 
-- 
Bill Roper, roper@chinet.chi.il.us

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Date: Sat, 19 Dec 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hobson@pipper.enet.dec.com (232)
Subject: Seminars for men
Keywords: chuckle, heard it


SEMINARS FOR MEN:

Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all
marital status.  Please note, the names of some of the courses have
been changed.  Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
mandatory.

1.  Combatting Stupidity
2.  You Can Do Housework Too
3.  PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4.  How to Fill an Ice Tray
5.  We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas.  GIVE US MONEY.
6.  Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
7.  Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
8.  Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
9.  How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
10.  Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
11.  Spelling - Even you can get it right
12.  You - The Weaker Sex
13.  Reasons to give Flowers
14.  How to stay awake after sex
15.  Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
16.  Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
17.  #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
     #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
18.  I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
19.  How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
20.  Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
21.  The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
22.  How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
23.  The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
24.  Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
25.  Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
26.  Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
27.  How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
28.  You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
29.  Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
30.  Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
31.  The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
32.  Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked

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Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 3:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: British royalty and Beverly Hillbillies
From: andrewt@cs.wisc.edu (Andrew Thomas-cramer)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original


	Here in the United States one of our favorite insipid sitcoms was "The
Beverly Hillbillies," a story about a poor Appalachian family finding oil and
moving to an obscenely wealthy section of California, where they were subjected 
to hilarious urban provincialism. Recent events inspire this idea for 
another insipid sitcom with a reversed theme. The theme song would go 
like this . . .

	Well come and hear a story 'bout a family feud
	Rich royalty, some in the nude
	Then one year it all fell to pieces
	And the royalty lost their free castle leases . . .

	Subsidies, that is . . . free rides . . . leaches.

	Well the first thing you know they're all dirt poor
	Country says "Y'Can't live here no more!
	"Somewhere else is where you ought to be."
	So they took a boat and train to Ken-tuck-y . . .

	Hills, that is. Hard work. In overalls.

	The Kentucky Royalty!
	

____________________________________________________
Andy Thomas-Cramer

Note: In the United States, "overalls" refers to loose denim trousers with
a piece covering the chest, for use in general farmwork like mucking the
manure out of barns.


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Date: Sat, 12 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: konradt@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Thomas Konrad)
Subject: Disposable family
Keywords: smirk

From the Christian Science Monitor, Sept. 22, '92
The author of the article was John Dillin

        William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at 
Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting
married for "as long as we feel good about each other."  It seemed 
rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, 
"I gave them paper plates."

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From: emery@d74sun.mitre.org (David Emery)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Yet Another form letter
Keywords: smirk, computers
Date: 14 Dec 92 00:30:02 GMT

A recent posting reminded me of this, which happened when I was at
Bucknell.  The University Library received the following form letter:

Bertram Memorial Library
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, PA  ...

Dear Bertram,

Now you and Mrs. Library can enjoy....

				dave

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Date: Sat, 19 Dec 92 3:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Capitol Punishment
From: ipg@aisb.edinburgh.ac.uk
Keywords: topical, chuckle

Illiteracy continues in the highest strata of American society.  What was
once confined to high-school dropouts and Vice-presidents has now reached
the very top: the moderators of rec.humor.funny.  In a weak moment they 
let through this:

> Subject: Capitol City Illiteracy
> 
> Living in Austin, Texas, is probably not unlike living in other state
> capitols in the sense that about half of the businesses in town have
> names that begin with "Capitol..." such as Capitol City Lightbulbs,
> Capitol Yugo, etc.
> 
> I was looking up one such business in the phone book recently and had
> trouble finding the phone number until I looked under "Capital..."  In
> fact, I was amazed that about 150 of the "Capitol" businesses in
> Austin have misspelled their first name.  Among them:

> Capital of Texas Leasing  (what IS the capital of Texas?)
> Capital Metro (the city public transportation organization)
> Capital City Financial Services (pun intended?)
> Capital Area Speech Language & Educational Services
> Capital City Creative School

Of course, Austin is in fact the capital of Texas, so for example
Capital Metro is the public transport service for the capital of
Texas:  seems like a reasonable name to me.

The submitter of the above joke, and the moderators of course, have
been sentenced to the most appalling punishment America has ....

Capitol Punishment.

Rec.humor.funny will be returning in 51 days after the moderators have
conducted a 50 state (and D.C.) tour of capitols to report on which one
is the most beautiful building.

Ian Gent
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Date: Sun, 20 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: schunix!sonix@transfer.stratus.com (Duane Morin)
Subject: Where *have* you been?
Keywords: smirk, true

This happened at work (Software Etc, a computer/video game store) just the
other day:

Customer comes in, it's a relatively slow night, so we have a chance to chat.
Here's the conversation:

Customer:  "Can I ask you a really stupid question?"

Me:  "There are no stupid questions.  Shoot."

Customer:  "No, you're gonna think this one is pretty silly."

Me:  "Trust me, I've heard 'em all.  Try me."

Customer:  "You're gonna think I been on a deserted island or something.."

Me:  "What's the question?"

Customer:  "What exactly is this 'nintendo' thing I keep hearing about?"


	I've decided in the future that, when someone tells me they've got 
a stupid question, I'm going to respond "There are *few* stupid questions."


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Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: norm@ultra.com (Norm Finn)
Subject: drive-in condoms
Keywords: smirk, sexual

Radio "personality" Rush Limbaugh, a source of humor in more respects
than perhaps he'll admit to, reported today that a man in Tampa has
purchased a former Fotomat and converted it to a drive-in condom
store.  Remarked Limbaugh, "What I want to know is, can you still get
enlargements?"
--
Norm Finn                       domain:   norm@ultra.com
Ultra Network Technologies      Internet: ultra!norm@ames.arc.nasa.gov
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Date: Sun, 13 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hobson@pipper.enet.dec.com (Cary - Hobson's Choice - 508-264-2429 26-Oct-1992 1512)
Subject: Royal Relief
Keywords: smirk, sexual


     The little boy told his mother he wanted to pee.  "I'll take you to
the bathroom," she replied.
 
     "No," the boy said, "I want Grandma to take me."
 
     "Why do you want Grandma instead of me?" the mother asked.
 
     "Because her hand shakes."

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Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 12:20:06 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Katie takes all comers
From: agbrooks@teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au (Zoz)
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual

Heard yesterday on the NBC Today Show, as Katie Couric was interviewing
a USMC Colonel about the troops' accomodation in Somalia:

Katie:  "You know, I slept with the 82nd Airborne in Saudi Arabia."

<Guest host begins laughing>

Katie:  "No, I mean I spent the night with the 82nd Airborne."

<Guest host continues laughing>

Katie:  "Oh, words can't express what I did with the 82nd Airborne."


---
agbrooks@teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au

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Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Publication Ban on Page 1
From: nalin@cs.uregina.ca (Nalin Whatyamacallit)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, true

The following piece appeared on Page 1 of the Dec 5, '92 Globe & Mail -
Canada's only national news paper.  It seems court censorship has come full
circle.

	"Somewhere in Canada yesterday, a group requested a court ban on the
	publication/broadcast of a certain work for certain reasons.

	"The court granted the ban on publication/broadcast and, in addition,
	imposed a ban on reporting the fact of the ban.

	"This has required The Globe and Mail to withhold Broadcast Week
	magazine, which is normally included in the Saturday papers distributed
	in Ontario.

	"The Globe and Mail, with certain other parties, has mounted a legal
	challenge against the ban on reporting the ban, on grounds that it
	interferes with freedom of the press and other media of communication,
	which is guaranteed in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms."


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Date: Thu, 17 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: kbs@cs.utexas.edu (Kenneth Brian Samuel)
Subject: Futile Broadcast
Keywords: smirk, true

My friend says this is true. He was at an airport recently and heard
this announcement.

"Will the members of the school for the deaf please report to the 
information desk..."

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Administrative note:

The joke `The Twelve Bugs of Christmas' came from the 
`FunnelWeb User's Manual' by Ross N. Williams 
<ross@spam.adelaide.edu.au>.  It is listed there as an example
of the use of macros to simplify programming.  It is
copyrighted.

The "Top 10 Reasons the British Lost the Colonies"
came from the David Letterman show.
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr)
Subject: The quality of [mumble] computers
Keywords: chuckle, true, computers


This actually happened (I was there!):

It was a user group meeting where the CEO of a computer manufacturer
I-can-not-name had taken the "hot seat" to answer questions from his
customers.  This year, the users had experienced more than their
normal quota of unfulfilled promises, unstable hardware and buggy
software, so the session got pretty hot with dozens of irate customers
flaming the CEO because his mis-engineered systems was the main source
of misery in their lives.

In a misguided attempt to soften the mood, the CEO had brought with
him a huge box of pens -- imprinted with the logo and the motto of his
company -- and placed them at the exit.  He concluded the session by
pointing to the box and stating that whoever wanted a special
commemorative ball-point pen should help themselves.  None of the
users did.  They just bustled out of the auditorium ignoring this
gift.

In frustration the CEO grabbed the microphone and shouted: "Hey, it's
free pens here!  Anybody want a free pen?"  He was answered immediately
by a loud voice from the back of the auditorium:  "Nobody here believes
they'll work!"

- gisle hannemyr  (Norsk Regnesentral)
  Inet:  gisle@ifi.uio.no
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From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Marines in Somalia
Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive
Date: 14 Dec 92 08:20:02 GMT


Gur svefg cyngbba bs H.F. Znevarf ynaqrq va Fbznyvn gbqnl....

..... naq jrer vzzrqvngryl rngra.

--

| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU  |


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From: dperks@boromir.gandalf.ca (Dave Perks)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: I'm Glad They Warned Me
Keywords: smirk, true
Date: 21 Dec 92 00:30:02 GMT

The package of "Kitty Litter(R) Brand Cat Box Liners" warns

    "Not recommended for food storage."

-- 
Dave Perks              | dperks@gandalf.ca        | 73230.2156@compuserve.com
Gandalf Data Limited    | TEL 1-613-723-6500 x8765 | (not checked very often)
Nepean, Ontario, Canada | FAX 1-613-226-1717       |

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