From: gmark@cbnewse.cb.att.com (gilbert.m.stewart)
Subject: Re: "Family Circle" Scheduling Program
Organization: AT&T
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 18:48:50 GMT

In article <17Nov92211322@miracle.com> jcooley@miracle.com (John Cooley) writes:
>
> Just the other day, I was talking with a Mensan friend about a person
> we both knew through attendance at nearby Mensa Regional Gatherings.  
> I related that Mr.X had at one RG told me that he hated the comic 
> "Far Side" and much rather prefered "Family Circle".  (Of course, 
> this bit of news seems to shock each Mensan I've told it to because 
> "Family Circle" is such a predictable comic strip.... then idead 
> dawned upon us that we could write a scheduling program for Bill Keane 
> (author of "Family Circle") and make lots of money selling it to him!)

Family Circus.

>
> First we'd start out with writing a program with the simple heuristics
> for Sunday editions of "Family Circle":
>
>       - Every 3 weeks, <brat of choice> runs around neighborhood 
>         with dotted line following him/her.
>
>       - Every 4 weeks, <brat of choice> "writes" the comic strip 
>         because "daddy's gone" for some reason.
>
>       - Every 2 weeks, <older brat of choice> tells <younger brat of
>         choice> some cute, lame pun that supposedly explains the 
>         world and amuses the hell out midwestern grandmothers.

There's also the ghost grandma and grampa sitting on clouds, ghosts
of people inhabiting some area and those wacky "Ida Know" and "Not Me"
things.  Keane's been brain-dead for quite awhile and should be shot
to put him out of his misery.

>
> As you can see, it's not all that hard to come up with the heuristics;
> the challenge would be in writing a scheduler that would resolve 
> conflicts when two or all three of the heuristics conflict on the same
> Sunday.
>
> Any ideas on what heuristics to incorporate in the daily "Family Circle"
> scheduler?

None that I can see.

Now, what about "Fred Bassett"?  Apparently Graham is from some other
universe whose social structure centers around a fetish for chairs.
Owner: "Fred!  Get out of my chair!"  Fred: "It's his favorite chair."
Reader:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"

I read it whenever I get the time, so that might be part of why it's
still written.  I just stare at it, slack-jawed, amazed that anyone
actually sat down with this idea and decided to actually "draw" it
up.  And "draw" is in quotes, because you'll notice Fred has maybe
two poses, and seems to be a very amazing animal born with the ability
to vary in size continually from panel to panel.  Where else can you
find a comic strip "artist" who has no idea what a lawnmower looks
like?  What population on this planet is supposed to relate to this
couple?  

Fred: "He's playing chess."  Owner: "Hah!"  Vicar: "Checkmate!"
Fred: "He doesn't like to lose."  Reader:  "Ha-ha-ha!"

Owner: "Where's my chair?"  Wife: "Here's your chair."  Fred: "I'm
on his chair."  Owner: "Fred is on my chair."  Owner grimaces.
Reader: "Ha-ha-ha!"

Sort of like the "Dondi" strip.  Remember how it sometimes took him
and Baldy several weeks to leave the backyard?  See, his friend,
"Baldy" had, GET THIS, lots of hair.  Get it?  Reader:  "Ha-ha-ha!"

Beetle Bailey?  "Beetle!  <Do some work>!  Grrr!"  Scene of Beetle
with legs in air, some kind of swirl emanating from his crumpled
body.  Reader:  "Ha-ha-ha!"

How many "Lockhorns" jokes can there be about the wife's cooking and
the husband's dancing with another woman at a party?  I think the guy
pays three dollars for free-lancers to write the gags, and, boy,
they are priced way high.

How annoying are all those elipses in the "Phantom"'s speech?  Are
all the characters supposed to be drugged out or retarded?

I'm writing a strip about a mutant shrub that gains the ability to
talk, and we get to hear about what shrubs think about all the time.
Almost like Fred Bassett, but with more action.  I call it, "Those
Wacky Shrubs"

First Shrub: "Heyyyyy..."   Second Shrub: "Wellll....."
First Shrub:  "Heyyyy..."  Second Shrub: "Welll...."

Later That Day...

First Shrub:  "Heyyy...."

Reader: "Ha-ha-ha!"

GMS