From: root@dogear.spk.wa.us (Bob Kirkpatrick)
Newsgroups: alt.parents-teens,alt.child-support
Subject: Re: starting a family young.
Date: 10 Apr 92 19:49:29 GMT
Followup-To: alt.parent-teens
Distribution: usa
Organization: Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA

In article <1992Apr7.172659.5787@bsu-ucs.uucp> 00rggraham@bsu-ucs.uucp writes:
>Sorry about the cross-posting.

>We are keeping the baby, much to the dismay of my and her parents.
>Abortion never entered the picture.
>It is our decision. We will live with it.

The baby is going to live with it too. 

Those who love and care about you are also going to have to live with your
choice, simply because they do love and care for you.

>We are not asking for support from either side and have decided that -- if it
>comes to it -- we will give the child up for adoption if our financial
>resources run out.

And what of the bond that the baby will create with you? To create a bond
to have it broken later is a significant source of emotional problems in 
children. I'm NOT flaming you, and I hope you interpret my tone as gentle
and genuinely caring.

>See, I am merely a sophomore in college.
>My girlfriend will enter college in the fall.
>The baby is due in November.
>We have agreed on boy-names, but disagree on girl-names.

No offense, but I think that you have much more pressing issues to be
talking over and working out.

>I believe that a child is a stronger bond of two people than marriage would
>ever be.

No, no, no! If you're expecting a child to be an instrument of your
relationship, then you're getting off on a really bad footing.

>Marriage is paperwork.
>Religious marriage ceremonies are preposterous and pompous.
>Organized religion is a loss of individuality.

If you love your girlfriend and yourself, why would you deny the benefits
that marriage bestows? I think you folks need to do a LOT more research.

>We have been buying things for our house.
>We are now saving for our future.
>She is Baptist, I was raised Catholic.
>We both have grown beyond our original religions.
>We see no need to get married now.

Relegion has little to do with the realities of your circumstances. It sounds
like you're trying pretty hard to make a point about your perspective on
belief than your desires to be good parents -- I mean no offense, I only ask
that you consider the world as it is. If you're dead set on being parents,
then you should be trying to be the best parents you can be, and that means
that you're going to have to make some compromises, and that your priorities
are going to have to change.

If it's your intent to stay in school, then you need to consider the hard
facts of the costs of child rearing --not only in money, but time and
involvement. College is difficult. College for a couple is harrowing, and
college for a couple with a child is incredibly problematic.

>Her mother's insurance would not cover her delivery anyhow if we did marry.
>We do not have enough money to pay for insurance, school, and the baby.
>I feel like I am ready for this.

Look at what you just said.

Now, let me tell you how I think that things might go for you --given the
current laws and attitudes of those who enforce them.

Your girlfriend is going to have to get Public Assistance to get the proper
pre-natal care, and to afford the delivery of the child. If you don't see
to the proper care --before during and after delivery, you're going to place
your baby at great risk. You're going to place yourselves at great risk too.

Let's say that because your parents are unable to help, your girlfriend does
go to Public Assistance (really the only alternative), then you're going to
get pulled into the system and start a relationship with Office of Support
Enforcement. They will have you in court where a judge is going to explain
your obligations to you, and order you to pay for the medical services, and
is then going to hit you with child support. You're out of school in a flash,
and working in some hourly wage job that isn't going to pay both the support
and your living expenses. Your folks will see this, and they're going to try
to help out as best they can. So, your decision is going to affect a lot more
people than just yourself. All because you have a view that marriage isn't a
necessary thing.

If you do get married, then both of you might expect help from Public
Assistance. But you've still got yourself a tough row to hoe.

>I used to not, but we talked to a woman at a counseling agency specifically
>about teen-pregnancy.
>We are a bit more confident now.
>It is difficult to be confident when parents are unsupportive.
>Remember that with your children.

I do, and I also remember right along with it what the realities of this are
all about. That's something I discuss with my children. It may be possible
that what you believe is a lack of support from your parents is just you
having a course set that you haven't fully and objectively explored.
Parenting is a very serious business.

>Does anyone object to this situation?
>If so, why?

I think I just told you. :-)

No matter what you do Graham, I wish you the very best and hope that you can
get things worked out in a way that best fits your situation and needs.

-- 
Bob Kirkpatrick  bobk@dogear.spk.wa.us   Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA
"If we don't succeed, we risk failure..."  --dan quayle