From: rhw@att.com (Robert Wentworth)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Re: What constitutes a best friend?
Keywords: friends, emotions, honesty, space
Date: 8 Apr 92 02:28:36 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories


In article <edsall.702625885@pv7411.vincent.iastate.edu> edsall@iastate.edu (David M Edsall) writes:
>   I need honesty here. I am asking that people not be brutally honest in
>their answers, if you wish to answer. I am fragile right now and I am not sure
>what I can take. If you decide to respond, please think before you say
>something. I know that you do not know me. I know that you do not know what
>will hurt me and what won't. If it helps, just think of me as a scared little
>seven-year old and ask yourself how you would talk to a scared little
>seven-year old kid who is crying. It would help me if you did so.
[Lots of information about struggle to maintain friendships, find support]

David --

I haven't been reading this group for long, so I know you even less well than
some others on this group might.  But from reading your posting I get a sense
of where you're at.

>   What am I doing wrong? I have been there when people needed me. I have
>asked them for their support but sometimes it became too much for them to
>handle. It's hard to grow up without support from people or without people you
>can talk to about ideas about life and all the problems and joys that it
>entails. 

I doubt that you're doing anything wrong.  I think you are doing exactly
what you need to be doing.  Unfortunately, you're in a very hard place, and
working your way out of it is a process likely to be frought with
frustrations and difficulties.  But that doesn't mean that it can't be done
or that you shouldn't go on trying.

>   What constitutes a good close friendship? I want the following or I have
>always believed that the following make a good friend:
>
>   Someone who is there, willing to listen when you need someone
>   Someone who is not afraid to show you they love you
>   Someone whom you are willing to listen to when they need someone
>   Someone you can have fun with
>   Someone you can be honest with completely
>   Someone who is willing to give you some advice or ideas or help you
>     find the answer if they can

What you are asking for is not unreasonable; I bet it is exactly what you
need, and it's a description of an ideal friend.  Keep looking.  But given
the way the world is, the way people are, your odds will likely be
improved if you keep in mind some limitations.

Many people are frightened by need in themself and others.  Even those who
are not generally can or want to give only so much --- they need something
left over for themselves.  Which is not to say that you're supposed to
magically stop needing; that's impossible and ridiculous.  You need what
you need.  Period.  But it does mean that it will be to your advantage to
accept other people's limitations, no matter how frustrating they may be.

No one person is likely to be able to give you every thing you need.  Given
that you (entirely legitimately) need a lot right now (but then, who
doesn't), I think it would be sensible to diversify as much as possible.  It
doesn't work to demand more of a friendship than the particular relationship
in question will bear.  (Relationships change in time; some that are fragile
initially may grow so that they can bear more weight and deliver more
sustenance in the future; others may weaken as paths diverge.  But whatever
their state, relationships generally involve some limits; despite these,
most relationships can still provide something worthwhile.)  Perhaps by
forging links with a number of people, taking and giving what you can in
each friendship, continuing to rely on your therapist, dealing with the net
if it seems appropriate (you might look at alt.recovery also), and perhaps
seeking out support groups (therapy groups, or AlAnon or CODA or ACOA or the
like), and maybe joining a club for some activity you enjoy -- by adding up
the bits and pieces of imperfect but valuable support and connection you get
in a variety a places and from a variety of people you may find that, though
it's not everything you could wish for, it's enough.

This note is small, and perhaps not gentle or encouraging enough (though it
is meant to be).  I wish I could provide more comfort.  But my thoughts go
with you.

Good luck.

Bob
Newsgroups: alt.support