From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ***SPOILER WARNING***  More memories...
Date: 11 Dec 92 09:11:39 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

I was reading _Courage To Heal_ today, and ran across a sentance that rang
completely true to me...  I've seen things like this sentance before, but NEVER
from this light, and perhaps it could help someone else out there...  (From
page 106)

"You were betrayed not by your body, but by the adults who abused you."

(In reference to the fact that some people get sexually excited at the thought
of their rape, and later felt betrayed by their bodies.)

And now, it's time to get into the bulk of the message, but there is a *LOT* of
--SENSITIVE-- stuff in here that may effect others, so I'm putting in a


         ***STANDARD SPOILER WARNING***

at this point of the message...  :)

You were warned!  (Boo!)  :)  (Yes, I'm beggining to hide behind humor (and bad
humor at that) rather than face this directly...  Please bear with me.  I do
not find the subject funny, or...  It's just my way of coping...  Yell if I get
too far out-of line, and I'll watch myself more closely!)

Also, be aware that first I'm going to ramble (short) about a SF book I read,
and THEN (after a 2nd spoiler warning) go on about some more memories that
surfaced.

But please be warned, this first part is discussing a book that I found highly
offensive that dealt with the subject of incest!

First...

A couple of months ago, I remember reading a SF Short-Story that won a Hugo, or
some other award that qualified it as one of the best of the year...  (I have
no idea WHICH year, but...)

It was a story about how there is a galactic empire spreading out, but there is
one planet that no one will officially recognize, and has been practiclly been
banned and black-listed from every possible source.

This single planet boasts no crime, hate, drugs, social problems, etc...

The author then tried to convince the reader (through dialouge that the
characters said) that the reason for it is that the society on this planet has
a more natural attitude towards love.  It's possible to love more than one
person at a time.

And then the part that made me feel sick to my stomach, and destroy the book (I
forget which book it was, I'd give the title so I could blacklist it! (This
comming from a strict anti-censorship person!))  The author tried to convince
the reader that father/daughter incest is a natural and good thing.

Bleach!

I still reel at the thought that someone could be sick enough not only to
beleive this, but to attempt to pass it off onto other people!

Now for more memories from me...


      *** SECOND SPOILER WARNING ***

Yes, now I'm going to go on about my memories...

Yesterday I remembered a new memory.  (This is the memory I was afraid to post
here, because I wasn't sure of it's validity, and I didn't want o influence a
few people I know in real life.)

It was a memory of a dream.  (When I first remembered it, I couldn't tell if it
was a memory or a memory of a dream.  Since then I've decided quite definately
to listen to my gut instincts and I have since become convinced that this
origionally was a dream.)

Basically, I figure I was probably 15 at the time, and just moved into my
current room.  (The old master bedroom of the house.  We had an addition made
which doubled the space...)  My bed was (and still is) in a walk-in closet in
the room.  (Yes, I come out of the closet every morning!  (silly grin))

Except for any abuse that might have occured (I don't have any solid memories
of any except for the one instance when I was 19, but I am more and more
certian that I was abused earlier in life.  I remember "losing my virginity" at
18, but I think I was molested before that point.  Hence the quotation marks...

So, in this dream, I was awoken by a blowjob.  Shortly afterwords (in the
dream) I fell back asleep...

I would just call this a wet-dream, only I remember so much vivid detail of
this dream (from a time I was a supposedly a virgin) (the dream lacked visual
memories, but I still remember the feelings (touch AND emotional))

so much vivid detail of the dream that proved to be the accurate memories of
stuff I hadn't experienced yet...  I am more certian of my gut when it tells me
that some other kind of abuse happened earlier in my life than I am
remembering...

And onto other memories that I'm recovering...

But this deserves a 


           *** THIRD SPOILER WARNING ***

because in this memory I was playing the role of the ABUSER, not the abused.

Please note that last sentance before reading on.  I was fairly young at the
time (I think the age probably was somewhere around 10 or so) that a good
portion of this I can place on <A> Curiosity of the young and <B> Me being a
brat who was rarely treated fairly by other kids.  (Hence I became a brat at
times.)

Please note that this was *NOT* my usual behavior, and I am now sickened by the
thoughts of what I did.  But I did do them, and I now have to deal with that. 
I wasn't being vicious at the time, I just didn't realize that it was truly
WRONG to do, or that I might have caused psychological damage to someone
else...

(I was a nieve child, who led a very sheltered life...)

Now I wish that I could undo what I had done, or to get forgiveness, or...  But
I'm also afraid that mentioning this again to my sister or cousin would cause
more damage...  Please give me some advice!  I feel like such a guilty asshole!

Two memories.  First was when I was 4 or 5.  (Well, I did say I was young...)

I remember that my mom would regularly take me, my sister, and newborn brother
to the YMCA.  Earlier that year I started using the Men's locker room by
myself.  (Before that I stuck with my mom in the Woman's, since I couldn't
handle changing and what-not alone, like most young kids that age.  Or so their
parents beleive!  :)  )

I remember thinking that it was unfair that my sister should see male private
parts (namely those of my brother) and I shouldn't be able to see the parts of
a female.  (What can I say, I was curious as all hell!)  So on two occasions
when I was about to enter a room my sister was using (bedroom the 1st time, and
bathroom the 2nd) I remember knocking, and before she had a chance to respond,
I'd open the door.  (But ma, I knocked!)  She'd scream, and I'd shut the door
and that was the end of it...

On the other occasion I'm guessing I was about 9 or 10.  (I don't remember, I
could have been 6 for all I know!)  It was New Year's Eve.  My Aunt/Uncle and 2
cousins were over with the grandparents from that side of the family.  It had
snowed pretty badly the night before, and the snow was beggining to get fairly
thick again.

My Cousin (Joy) wanted to go home and get something...  (They lived a 2 short
blocks away.)  So Joy and I walked back to her place to get whatever it was,
and then we walked back.

As we were leaving her house, she stumbled in a big snow drift, and was
bitching about having to walk in the snow.  So I carried her.  (Over her
protests at first.)  When we got backto my house,I put her down, and we walked
in and that was the last time I can think of that I did something
innaproperiate.

Only I also remember when I put her down in front of the house, being ashamed
of my actions (I wasn't thinking clearly that night, obviously!) and I then
noticed that I had a hard-on...  But being as ashamed and guilty as I was it
went away FAST.

Fortunately these are the only two things that I think I've done that I
shouldn't have been doing.  But I still feel rather guilty about it.  You don't
measure abuse by degrees.  But did either my sister or cousin see it as abuse,
and did it scar them?  I wish I could just ask, but I don't want to bring on
any unpleasent memories either...

I dunno...

Could I please have some outside opnions on this one?  Even flames would be
welcomed by me, for methinks they are deserved!  I'm all too glad to know that
I am *NOW* incapable of this sort of action.

(I remember one person I was dating at age 19 that wanted me to rape her over
her protests.  (I hasn't heard of the concept of "safeword" yet, so I couldn't
introduce it as a safety catch.)  Even though she repeatedly asked me to do
this, when the time came about, and she started to protest, I'd always take
them seriously and stop.  Cold.  I was unable to continue, even when she told
me it was allright and it was just an act....)


Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi

      Showing up is 88% of life and 98% of edcuation
           (41% of all statistics are worthless)