From: jester@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Jester)
Subject: Dead President Sketch
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 14:10:38 GMT

This was found on alt.fan.monty-python
It basically describes US politicians in
a nutshell, so I thought I would share it.

Jester
SOGDAC
--------------------------------------------------

Praline--Hello, I wish to register a complaint...hello?  Miss?
Shopkeeper--What do you mean, miss?
Praline--Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper--Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline--Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this 
        President I elected not half an hour ago, from this very
        voting booth.
Shopkeeper--Oh, yes, the Northeastern Liberal.  What's wrong with it?
Praline--I'll tell you what's wrong with it.  It's dead, that's what's
        wrong with it.
Shopkeeper--No, no sir, it's not dead.  It's thinking.
Praline--Thinking?
Shopkeeper--Yeah, remarkable candidate the Northeastern Liberal,
           beautiful platform, innit?
Praline--The platform doesn't enter into it-- it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper--No, no-- it's just thinking.
Praline--All right then, if it's thinking I'll divert its attention.
        (shouts at slumped form in navy suit)  Hello President!  I've
        got some lovely Socialized Medical Programs for you if you wake
        up!
Shopkeeper (poking president's head) There it moved.
Praline--No he didn't.  That was you moving his head.
Shopkeeper--I did not.
Praline--Yes, you did. (yanks president upright by his lapels, shouts)
        Hello President!  (bangs head against the counter)  Mr. President,
        wake up!  President!  (throws him in the air and lets him fall
        to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead President.
Shopkeeper--No, no he's a Democrat.
Praline--Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this.  That President
        is definitely deceased.  And when I elected it not half an hour
        ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to
        it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged debate.
Shopkeeper--He's probably pining for Thurgood Marshall.
Praline--Pining for Thurgood Marshall, what kind of talk is that?  Look,
        why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper--The Northeastern Liberal is often found on its back.
           Beautiful politician, lovely platform.
Praline--Look, I took the liberty of examining that President, and
        I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting
        at its desk in the first place was that it had been nailed
        there.
Shopkeeper--Well of course it was nailed there.  Otherwise it would
           have jumped out the window of the Oval Office-- and voom!
Praline--Look matey, (picks up President) this President wouldn't
        voom if I put four thousand volts through it.  It's bleeding
        demised.  
Shopkeeper--It's not, it's pining.
Praline--He's not pining he's passed on!  This President is no more!
        It has ceased to be!  It's expired and gone to meet its maker!
        This is a late President!  It's a stiff!  Bereft of life it 
        rests in peace!  If you hadn't nailed him to the desk, he would
        be pushing up the daisies!  He's off its twig! He's shuffled off 
        his mortal coil!  He's run down the curtain and joined the choir
        invisible!  He's fucking snuffed it!  This is an ex-President!!
Shopkeeper--Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline--To get anything done in this country you've got to complain 
        till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper--Sorry guv, we're right out of Presidents.
Praline--I see.  I see.  I get the picture.
Shopkeeper--I got a Queen.
Praline--A Queen.
Shopkeeper--Yeah.
Praline--Pray, does it address the deficit?
Shopkeeper--Not really, no.
Praline--Well then it's scarcely a replacement, is it?
Shopkeeper--Want to come back to my place?
Praline--Thought you'd never ask.

			The Dead President Sketch
				 is by:
			     Monty Python
	    except for the nasty bits which were written by:
             Elizabeth Barrett Revulsion and Whiplash Smile
		
              (Ms. Revulsion is actually fond of liberals.
		          Whiplash Smile is not.)		 
-- 
I am the paper-cut that ruins your morning. . .
I am the ingrown nail on the foot of crime
I am the squashed bug on your flying saucer widshield.
I am the moth that seeks your porch light.
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