From: mchundat@essex.ecn.uoknor.edu (Mathai Chundattu)
Newsgroups: alt.culture.kerala
Subject: Re: Dating Vs peNNukANal revisited
Date: 10 Nov 92 21:02:48 GMT
Organization: Engineering Computer Network, University of Oklahoma, Norman, OK, USA

In article <BxD1sI.BuF.1@cs.cmu.edu> pjn+@cs.cmu.edu (P J Narayanan) writes:
.
Most of the following is based on the above article.


I agree with most of the arguments against pennukaanal especially that
it never gives a chance to truly know the other person. Most of the
marriages take place in two or three months after the first meeting of
the couple. It must be difficult to figure out the personality of the
proposed in such a short time. But many base their decision on family
status and heritage rather than the personality of the proposed. This
system works probably because the man and woman involved do not have
very high hopes or expectations. They think that all humans are alike in
the context of family and anyone can adjust to any other without much
difficulty. The couple enter the new phase of their life with a
readiness to adjust to the others's personality. In most cases this
works very well.

My main objection to dating in the context of finding a suitable wife or
husband was that even though it promises unlimited freedom in selection,
many involved cannot possibly utilize the same. This is because knowing
the personality of some one is a very difficult task. To truly know
a person one has to live with him for considerably long time and in the
process they get attached to each other to such an extent that they
don't want to separate. Many find out that there is only very few things
in which they don't agree with each other and that to separate will be a
foolish thing to do. Marriage is an unnecessary event for them.
For the couple who separate, it is going to be an
endless search because it is hard to find some one who is suitable to
another in all respects. The datings that we see today fall roughly into
these two categories. And there are the lucky ones who date "some 7 or 8
people" and select from those few choices. But these are real exceptions.

As many pointed out, in our society women's position is less secure
than men's. I don't want to invoke the old discussions about whether
women are really weaker or not but, these feelings have a lot to do with
the practice of pennukaanal. Contrary to what has been posted by some
ackers, pennukaanal has a very healthy effect on the treatment of
women. They get considerable protection from the evils that could have
happened to them in the absence of pennukaanal. Initially, I didn't want
to include the dating between americans etc in our discussions because
theirs is a totally different culture and many of their convictions may
not be relevant to us. Even then, I have to mention that the effects of
this practice is evident in todays american society also. What is the
reason behind 99% of unwanted pregnancies and abortions? The answer is
obviously, indiscriminate dating. The problem is not so bad in our
society but it is a fact that all of the abortions that takeplace in
kerala are simply the result of unsuccessful love-affairs--a mild form
of dating. Pennukaanal protects women from this shameful situation and
that is the main reason why many men and especially women prefer a
pennukaanal to love affair. The 'performance' in front of the guests is
a small fee charged for this protection. And the fear, I think, is just
a kind of 'stage-fright' and both the man and woman are equally affected
by it.

The suggestion of an extended pennukaanal in which the couple is left to
themselves after the preliminary introductions is a good idea too. But
it also has drawbacks. Firstly, the time it takes for their final
approval. How long is sufficient? One month? An year? Two years? The
answer is going to be difficult. Many think of their marriage pretty
late in their early thirties and to date someone for such a long time is
going to be foolish idea for them. The second drawback is that after the
the preliminary meetings it is natural for the families to get attached
to each other. In that case the couple are again put in a situation
where they cannot make an independent decision. And what if it is a
Romeo-Juliet case after the pennukaanal. If the families find out that
they cannot be compatible ever! And a third: What about the rumors that
are bound to come up? I am sure that our society gives a lot of
importance to such conceptions as virginity etc. How will we solve those
problems?


Regards,

Mathai
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Newsgroups: alt.culture.kerala