From: slh@gtech.com (Sandy L. Haddon)
Subject: Hi Goldberry!  Welcome!
Organization: GTECH Corporation, West Greenwich, RI
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 22:43:52 GMT

Goldberry wrote:

>I got some warm feedback from cloister bell and Lydia.  Thank's,
>both of you, it means a LOT.  I was (and partly still am) quite
>uneasy about reappearing in asar - what if I am not welcome
>anymore (considered a traitor for being away so long or something
>like that)?  If anyone else feels (s)he is willing and able to
>give me a pat on the back (e-pat?)  or a welcoming e-hug, it
>really would help in dealing with my fears of rejection and
>abandonment.  Please?  (uh how I hate asking...)

A mucho grande welcome back Goldberry!! I'm one of the newbies
who "lurked" since getting the newsfeed last spring.  I do not
remember your posts but am glad to meet you and "e-see" you. :)
Congratulations for being able to ask for what you need!  This
is a really big thing for recovering people.  Takes courage.
Is risky.  I am in all ways nervous about it too.  Well done.

>Great!  The next thing I worry about is that now that I dare
>speak of my needs, I will be considered terribly and unforgivably
>selfish...  Argh! (anger rising - see my next article if you can

For me, perception is 9/10 of the battle.  I worry about the same
thing, the same way.  Being abused as I child, I learned to be
abused.  Long after the parental units stopped having the power
to abuse me up close and personal (translation: I moved away),
I continued to abuse me in the method to which I had become
accostumed to and been taught so well.  I decided that I must
be needless and wantless if not, I was incredibly selfish and
self-centered.  BUT THIS WAS BAD FOR ME!!  So to make a short
story long, I do not think that your are at all selfish to speak
of your needs.

>handle direct and LOUD expressions of anger today - there is a
>spoiler warning in the beginning of it).  I just hate my parents
>for messing up my head like this!

<warm greetings from cloister bell deleted for bandwidth >

>... (looking at what I've written above) ... Why am I STILL so
>scared of offending anyone (or anyTHING, even if it *doesn't*
>move!)?  I guess this is an issue that is surfacing big time
>right now...  Blah.  While I worry about all these things, I also
>watch myself from sorta "outside" and I can quite clearly see how
>I'm "apologizing all over the place".  While a strong part of me
>feels that this is quite ridiculous, it's also like that's how I
>am *supposed* to be...  "Excuse me for that I exist" - that's how
>and who i *ought* to be!  Anyone else feel like this?

Yes, I feel like this too.  Sometimes a little and sometimes it's
all I can think about, it seems.  But I have to patient with myself
and figure that it's up to me to take care of me.  I also remind
myself that I am making mistakes every day...I used to not allow
this and when the inevitable happened, all h*ll broke loose on the
inside.  I beat myself up constantly.  I'm a little better now
and I think its great that you can see that it is happening.  That's
always the first step.

<more gracious words from cloister bell deleted,>
<other nice news from Goldberry deleted,        >
<gracious statements  from Lydia deleted        >
< all for the sake of bandwidth...*sigh*        >
    

>Oh I feel like an idiot for being so insecure, but if feeling
>like an idiot and talking about it is what it takes for me right
>now to go on with my healing then that's what I'm going to do.
>Dear asar, do you think you can bear with me?

When I began to post I made myself a promise to not reject anyone
if this is at all possible...and to be as unconditional as I can
with everyone I respond to.  To the point of leaving out something
if I think it will be taken badly.  So I read, respond, leave it,
re-read it later and take a big gulp and post.  I can bear with
you.  Hang in there :).

>Does this sh*t ever end?

I believe with all my heart that it gets less and less intense.
I believe that it does not control me as I progress in my recovery.
I believe that I am learning new tools as time goes on that will
benefit my inner child and I, in turn benefit too.
I also believe that yes, this sh*t ends, it might not ever completely
go away and I might be prone to immediately react as a wounded person
for the rest of my life but I am progressing and doing the best I can
to take care of me.  I believe it gets better because I *have* gotten
better than I was before I began recovery, and I'm not done yet so 
it's gonna get better yet.    

>    "You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
>     You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
>			    "From Me to You", Janis Ian

>Bullseye.  This is pretty much what healing feels like to me (one
>strong aspect of it).

I have my own lyric that I love:

"And I know that I've been released but I don't know to where-
 Nobody's gonna tell me now and I don't really care,
 No, No, No, I gotta taste of paradise, I'm never
 Gonna let it slip away.
 I gotta taste of paradise, it's all I really need to make me stay
 Just like a child, again
 Heaven can wait all I got is time, until the end of time
 I won't look back, I won't look back
 Let the altar shine"
 Randy Newman 

>E-hugs for those who want them.
Right back atcha Goldberry!

>Goldberry
San :)
(a newbie...I think I like that.  See San grin.  Grin. San. Grin.)