From: merlin@violet.berkeley.edu ()
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Perpetual Question
Date: 23 Dec 1992 00:17:08 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
Distribution: usa
NNTP-Posting-Host: violet.berkeley.edu
Originator: merlin@violet.berkeley.edu


| >lazlo sez
| >>Muffy sez
| lazlo sez

| >In article <1992Dec18.025935.29601@penet.fi> an3096@anon.penet.fi (lazlo) writes:
| > My dilemma is that even though I occasionally see two other women,  I
| > am in a monogamous relationship with my SO.  With one exception, I
| > have been in a sexually monogamous r'ship with her for the past 9
| > months.  I have discussed the idea of polyamory with her and she has
| > told me that while she doesn't mind if I see other women, she isn't
| > interested in meeting other men.
| 
| >>What exactly do you mean by "seeing" other women?  Do you mean that you
| >>"see" women who are friends, or you are "dating" women, or what?
| 
| By "seeing" I mean dating.  I have become very interested in one of
| these women. That means I would like to be more than friends with her.
| I have only recently met the other, so I'm not sure how it will work.

	By `dating' I assume you mean `seeing with the intention
of becoming physically intimate.'

| > When I pressed further, she said she might become jealous if I had sex
| > with another woman.
| 
| >>Did she say that she therefore did not want you to do that?
| 
| No, she did not say she didn't want me to have sex with other women.
| But she did say that she can be very jealous and I don't want to hurt
| her.  I suppose that my problem is that I am too worried about losing
| her.  

	It sounds to me like she's saying she hopes you won't have
sex with the other women.  She probably does not feel secure enough
to demand this; or, intellectually, feels that such a demand is
unreasonable, but really hopes that you won't want someone else
(i.e., that you will be exclusive because you want to be, not because
she demands it).
 
| > The point to which I am converging is that as I become closer to my
| > SO, I find that I am becoming more and more monogamous.  The idea of
| > monogamy is not itself a bad thing, but I would like to have the
| > freedom to explore other people. 
| 
| >>What does "explore" mean to you?
| 
| I would like to be able to be close to other women.  If this goes as
| far as having sex, then I would like to know that I won't be hurting
| my SO if I do so.

	I think your SO has essentially told you that she *will* be
hurt if you have sex with someone else.  I would not be swayed by
her statement that "she doesn't know how she would handle it" (below):
the conservative assumption here is that she would be unhappy,
until she unambiguously convinces you to the contrary.
 
| >>There are (at least) sexual monogamy (no sex with anyone else) and
| >>emotional monogamy (no "too close" (however that is defined)
| >>relationships with anyone else).
| 
| >>Now, it sounds like your SO is okay about the emotional involvement with
| >>others, just (perhaps) not sexual.  Is the problem that you also want to
| >>have sex with people other than your SO?
| 
| Bingo.  My SO has not said she wants me to maintain an emotional
| distance from all others.  She hasn't even told me she doesn't want me
| to be sexually monogamous.  She just told me she doesn't know how she
| would handle it if I had sex with another woman.  Because of this, I
| have kept myself sexually monogamous while I try to decide if
| satisfying my lust and love for another woman is worth possibly losing
| my SO.

	From what you've said, I think you'll lose your SO if you sleep with
someone else.  The question is, are the intangible rewards of
being lovers with these women (as opposed to being merely good
friends) sufficient to offset the loss of your SO?