From: shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Incongruent discipline philosophies (Was: Re: 20/20 and Spanking)
Date: 10 Nov 92 00:27:27 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

In article <4893@crl.LABS.TEK.COM> sjk@strl.labs.tek.com (Steven King) writes:
>In article <1992Nov6.180340.8580@bcrka451.bnr.ca>, seanna@bnr.ca (Seanna Watson) writes:
>
>[Stuff deleted]
>
>|> I do not believe in spanking, though I have had bad days and spanked my 
>|> children.  When I have done this, I have immediately apologized, explaining
>|> that I was very angry, but I should not have hit them.
>
>Thank you Seanna, for being so frank.  Your statement brings up an
>interesting question for misc.kid'ers on both ends of the spectrum...
>Is it "better" to believe in spanking and only use it in a rational manner
>when other methods fail, or is it "better" to _not_ believe in spanking and 
>use it in a moment of anger?
>
I suspect that there are times when those who believe in spanking use it
in anger, just as some who don't believe it in might use it in anger.

However, I'm going to try to ask the question as posed.

I vote for honesty.  If one believes in spanking, say so.  If one doesn't
believe in spanking, say so.  If one spanks, even though one has stated
that they don't believe in it, I think Seanna's method of owning up to it
and apologizing is admirable.  

I don't believe that anyone's perfect.  Trying to do what I think is right,
and apologizing if I fail, is the best I, or anybody, can do.

Having said that, and admitting that I've not followed the spanking
debate very closely, I think a more important question is whether or
not the children feel loved.  I think Karla Perdue hit it pretty well
when she described the negativity that came along with being spanked,
and the impact that had on her life.

As a child, I felt like an intruder.  I didn't believe that I was wanted.
I often felt that, had abortion been legal in the 50's, I might well not
even be here.  I didn't think that anything I did was good enough.

That was much more damaging than any of the spankings I got as a child.
I tend to take too much responsibility.  I get depressed much too easily.
I can be a perfectionist.  Worse, I'm a perfectionist with others: I nag
my poor husband much too often about stupid little stuff.  On the other
hand, due to feelings of low self-esteem, I also allow people to impose
on, and even abuse me.  Talk about a paradox!

Once the spankings stopped, the effect was still there.  I still felt
all of the things I had before, and even felt guilty over my mother's
death - wondering if giving birth to me had led to her early demise.

Over the last few years, things have improved.  One thing was that my
dad, who could easily have avoided seeing me, has made an effort to
spend time with me, answers my letters, and calls me on the phone.  For
a long time I was very shy about it.  A good friend of mine has helped
me to bridge the gap: he became friends with my dad, and was able to
help me understand what it took, what my dad wanted.  (You see, my
dad is shy with me, just the same way I am with him.....)

Recently, I was able to joke with Dad and make him laugh, and I walked
on a cloud for a week.

The point I'm trying to make is that I think that spanking or not is
less important than whether or not your children feel loved, and happy,
and worthwhile.  If my mom had apologized to me for the times she
spanked me out of blind anger, or had even just balanced the spankings
with reassurance and acceptance, I think I would be a much better person
today. 

-- 
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Teri Miller                    tmiller@cisco.com -or- shannah@netcom.com
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Newsgroups: misc.kids