From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody   Chapter    1   Repost
Date: 6 Jan 93 23:02:59 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada

Sorry about this but it isn't on my newsreader anymore and I don't know
happened to it.  Can these things be deleted by mistake on some systems?
Well, here it is and, BTW, Chapter 9 has an incorrect subject line: I was
originally following up Chapter 1 because my .sig file isn't on this
account.  OK?  OK.

BTW, for those of you who are wondering, "Definitive" means that you can
feel free to flame this for INACCURACIES.  I'm trying to come as close
as possible to real Trek.  (Makes sense.  Otherwise I'd be parodying
something else, right?)


                   The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                              Chapter 1

                            The Beginning


On the bridge of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk presses a button on the 
right-hand side of his chair.  An indicator lights.  "Captain's Log,
stardate" - he looks at his wrist watch - "1322.8: the Enterprise has 
docked at Starbase 8 for a minor refit in preparation for our next 
mission.  All nonessential personnel are now officially off duty until
the refitting is complete."  He presses the same button and the 
indicator light switches off.  "In case you have to be told, Mr. Spock,
that includes you."

"Indeed, Captain?"

"You did do a diagnostic on all sensors, didn't you?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Then there is no logical reason why you should remain on duty."  Kirk
smiles as though he had just told a joke.  "Anyway, Mr. Spock, now that 
you're off duty, tell me: how do you think I've done so far as Captain?"  
He raises his eyebrows.

"Honestly, Captain?"

Kirk frowns.  "Well, what does your logic tell you to say?"

"You've performed admirably, Captain."

Kirk smiles.  He looks around the bridge and notices that everyone is 
looking at him.  He nods his head and gestures with his outstreched left
hand.  "You're all dismissed"

The entire bridge crew proceeds into the turbolift.  Kirk sees that the 
turbolift is rather crowded and decides to wait.


Shortly, in Commodore Sirun's office on the base, the Commodore is 
sitting at his desk reading from a console screen.  Kirk enters.  "Sit
down, Captain," he says without looking up.  Kirk finds a chair and sits 
down.  The Commodore finishes reading and looks up at Kirk.

"I'm sorry to hear about Lieutenant Commander Mitchell.  I understand 
he was a friend of yours."  Kirk nods, looking despondent.  The Commodore
looks down, shakes his head, rises out of his chair and throws his arms
in the air.  "Dammit Kirk, I wish I could say more than that, but you 
and I both know that this galactic barrier posed too many unanswered
questions and we certainly weren't having any success with probes or
shuttlecrafts."

Kirk shrugs his shoulders and throws out his hands.  "Well, it seems now 
that they were all destroyed before any information could be sent."

The Commodore nods and waves his right hand in the air in a single 
gesture.  "Yes, well, we'll have to be satisfied with what our 
researchers can determine from your ships sensor readings.  We're not
going to risk any more lives in this investigation, at least not until
we have a theory as to what it is."  He looks directly at Kirk, resting
both hands on the back on his chair.

"Captain, Starfleet Command is assigning the Enterprise to 
Sector 146.  Your mission will be to seek out new lives and new
civilizations.  This will be your mission for the next five years,
notwithstanding further instructions from Starfleet.  Hopefully, this
mission will go without incident."  The Commodore pauses, looks worried.
"Of course, much of that sector is claimed by the Klingon empire."

Kirk takes this as his cue and begins to rise out of his chair.  
"Neither the Klingons nor anyone else can lay claim to any unexplored
region of space.  I'll tell that to any Klingon who dares to stand in my
way."

The Commodore looks more worried than ever, his mouth agape.  After a 
long pause, he resumes.  "Yes, 
well, we've made several additions to your crew and you will of course  
want
to meet them."  Kirk is about to say "Of course," but the Commodore is
still talking.  "So you're to meet me at tomorrow at 0900 at
Dock A."  Kirk nods.

The Commodore picks up a document that had been on his desk in front of
him and hands it to Kirk.  "Here: you'll want to know who'll be 
reassigned, who you're meeting tomorrow and who's available at Starbase  
7."
Kirk reads with interest.  "Now, if you'll excuse me."  Kirk nods and
thanks him and the Commodore acknowledges it.
The Commodore sits down and turns to his console.  He's
already resumed reading by the time Kirk has left the room.


The next morning, Kirk is back on the Enterprise on his way to dock A.  
He sees Lieutenant Alden with a suitcase.

"Lieutenant!"

Alden looks up.  "Yes, Captain?"

"I was told about your reassignment.  Congratulations."

"Thank you, Sir."

They cross over to the base.  Kirk sees Commodore Sirun, crosses behind
Alden and greets him.  The Commodore gestures towards the officers lined
up along the wall.

"These are Starfleet's finest."  They walk together.

"Lieutenant Commander Doctor McCoy, your Chief Medical Officer: this
man can diagnose any illness, cure any disease.  Why, if we had this man
at Starfleet Medical, we could wipe out disease across the known galaxy
but for some reason they're giving him to you.

"Lieutenant Sulu, Helmsman.  This man is amazing!  Why, if you asked 
him to ..."  The Commodore stops mid-sentence, wanting to impress Kirk
but, at the same time, not wanting to give him any ideas.  "... do  
someting,
he'd do it.

"Lieutenant Uhura, your Communications Officer.  She'll keep you in 
touch with Starfleet Command, open hailing frquencies for you, keep
your log up to date ... Dammit Kirk!  It's amazing how far women have
come over the past three centuries!

"Likewise, here's Yeoman Rand.  She comes highly recommened by 
Starfleet Command."  Rand smiles and curtsies.

"What does she do?" asks Kirk.

The Commodore dismisses Kirk's question.  "And this is Lieutenant
DePaul, your Chief of Security.  Kirk, *this} is a man you can trust!  If
you were to send this man down to a planet with a few ensigns, there's
a good chance some of them are going to come back *alive}!"  Kirk
looks impressed.

Commodore Sinur continues to introduce officers including Nurse Chapel,
Lieutenant Riley, Lieutenant Kyle and assorted security
guards and assistant engineers.  He then turns to face Kirk.  "Captain,
I hereby place these officers under your authority."

Kirk orders all assistant engineers to go join Scotty in Engineering.
Everyone else is dismissed.  They all disperse except McCoy.

"Captain?"

Kirk turns to face McCoy.  "Yes, Doctor?"

"I'm supposed to give everybody examinations.  Are you busy, right 
now?"

"No."  Kirk looks reluctant.

"It won't take long."  Kirk nods.

They proceed to Sick Bay.  Kirk removes his shirt.  McCoy has him sit
down for the first part of the examination and then lie down.

"Well, Captain, everything seems to be in order."

"That's it?" Kirk says, sitting up.

"Well, if there was anything wrong, it'd show up in my readings.  Even 
so, check with me if you have any problems and, if not, I'll just give 
you an annual check-up."

Kirk smiles and says "Will do, Bones," as he puts on his shirt.

"Bones?"  McCoy looks puzzled.

"Yes: Bones.  I thought I'd give you a nick name."  McCoy briefly looks
away.  Kirk stands up.  "So, Bones, I take it I'm in perfect health."

McCoy takes a deep breath.  "Physically, yes."  Kirk frowns.  "And if
you had any mental problems, they'd be in your psychological profile."
McCoy makes a mental note.  Kirk, meanwhile, is reassured.  They walk 
out into McCoy's office where Nurse Chapel is walking back and forth,
looking busy.

Just then, a whistling sound is heard coming from a tiny speaker on the 
wall.  "I'll get it," Kirk says.  McCoy sits down at his desk.

"Kirk here."

"Ah!  Lieutenant Commander Scott here.  You told me ta keep ya posted.
Well, the refit is proceeding on schedule."

Kirk smiles.  "Scotty," -~McCoy looks up at him briefly and
squints~- "how long will it be until all systems are on line?"

"Ach!  It'll be a few days yet."

\bigskip

A few days later, on the bridge, all personel are in place.
 
"Riley, plot a course for Sector 146."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

"Sulu, ahead full impulse."

"Aye, aye, Sir."

Kirk pushes a button on the right-hand side of his chair.  "Captain's 
Log, stardate 1327.4."  Kirk takes a deep breath.  "Space, the final
frontier.  These are the voyages of the Starship ... Enterprise.  Its
five year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life 
and new civilizations, *to boldly go where no man has gone before.*"
He presses the button once more.  Riley starts humming.

"Poetry, Captain?"

"Of course, Mr. Spock.  This is an historic moment."

Spock raises his right eyebrow.

"Spock, you know Earth history.  When Neil Armstrong was about to set 
foot on the moon, he said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind' because it was an historic moment and so is this."  Riley 
reaches the crescendo.

Spock tilts his head ever so slightly.

Kirk smiles, says "Trust me, Mr. Spock," and begins to laugh out loud.
He looks around the room as if to say "Come on everybody, let's all 
laugh at Mr. Spock."

Meanwhile, back at Starbase 8, a man (Harry Fenton Mudd) 
and three women are plotting to 
steal a shuttlecraft.  They do.  The Enterprise is asked to intercept.  
Kirk becomes annoyed as his moment of glory falls a bit flat.  

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