From: tfpayn01@ulkyvx.louisville.edu
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: What we did and what we want them to do
Date: 22 Jan 93 16:52:55 GMT
Organization: University of Louisville

In article <281.9301181645@bonzo.xylogics.com>, rollo@xylogics.com (Dena Rollo) writes:
> 
> Carol Conell writes (in part):
> 
> 
> My oldest daughter is rapidly approaching 9 and if you think I want
> her having sex or falling in love either at 16,17,18 or any sooner
> than absolutely necessary guess again.
> Even ignoring AIDS, there are all my feminist principles.
> **********************************************
> 
> I don't really understand why feminist principles would
> preclude wanting a daughter to have sex at 16, 17, or 18.
> Am I misunderstanding, or missing a point?
> 
> I will be very nervous about Isabel having unsafe sex at
> any age - and will do my best to make sure she's very
> well educated about the how and why's of being careful.
> But I know how invulnerable teens and young adults often
> feel, so I do worry (and she's not even one!).
> 
> When it comes to *being* sexual, however, if it weren't
> for the health risks involved, my attitude would be/is
> very different. While of course I hope that she does what
> feels right for her, and that she has the self-esteem and
> good judgement to make healthy choices, and that is what
> I will try to convey, my personal wish for her is that
> she experiences *lots* of sex with a variety of partners.
> I know that sounds awful to lots of you, and perhaps it
> was badly written. And I won't be *mad* if she chooses
> otherwise :)  It's just that I don't see why not, unless
> your choice of partners/activities is destructive, and I
> don't see *that* correlating with afe/no. of partners/etc.
> (plenty of women killed within their monogamous marriages).
> I, and all of my friends, began having sex pretty early
> (15-17), usually within rather casual relationships (this
> was 1970-72-ish). It was mostly fun. And while I do think
> that the hippie culture I was a part of exploited women
> shamelessly, I never had sex with anyone because of feeling
> pressured, and given enough self-esteem, I hope that Isabel
> won't either (though I do see that raising daughters with
> self-esteem is not necessarily easy - but that's another
> thread).
> 
> As for drugs, her father (with an awful family history of
> drug and alcohol addiction) will probably put her in
> Ala-tot before she can talk :) We've had lots of discussions
> about this one, as I kind of expect her to experiment
> a little (though I'll hate it if she does) and he will
> flip if and when she ever comes home drunk. In our family
> it boils down to both parents having used drugs (and in
> Michael's case, alcohol) quite a bit. I had a few tough
> experiences, but mostly positive. He had a *very* rough
> time. I haven't used any drugs in 20 years (and in fact am
> rather drug-phobic); it's been 11 years for Michael. We will
> be honest with her about past drug use - the good times and
> bad - the dangers (and I've seen too many people addicted
> or dead) - and her increased risk of becoming addicted (especially
> to alcohol). 
> 
> -Dena
-- 

	Suggestion?

	As I'm in this situation myself, instruct your child concerning sex
around age 10-12, but let them understand your views on the subject AS
APPROACHABLE to society's view.

	Also, give them information concerning pregnancy.  YES, I do mean what
to do *IF* they get pregnant.  I think the whole danger of sex is with the fact
that pregnancy is the dangerous part of sex.  As teenagers are young and
adventerous, if something looks dangerous, it arouses their curiosity.  "Dancing
on the edge of the cliff" if you will.  The less the danger presents itself,
and the more compassionate the parents appear on the subject, the more likely
the child will think before acting.

	Appearing as a Hardcore, Bible-thumping '50's style parent WON'T work
100% of the time.  This only pushes the child in the OPPOSITE direction most of
the time!  Look at the statistics, they reveal this!  If a situation at home
seems too suffocating, whether it be overly good or overly bad, the child will
respond in the opposite direction.  But this isn't always predictable, is it?
(I welcome ALL comments from experienced parents out there.).


	As I've already said, I'm a budding parent (accidentally, I might add),
and I've still a lot to learn.  I still try to hold to a lot of experiences I
gained from youth, AND from my times spent working with/being a part of many
youth groups (church) of different orientations, up to my current young adult
(college) group.

	Parents need to come across as being a person deserving of respect, not
DEMANDED. COMMANDED, but not DEMANDED.  Let your respect you for WHO you are,
not WHAT you are.  One negative comment concerning WHAT you are, and doubts
start to cloud a young mind.  The more doubt, the greater the distance between
parent/child.

	TO ALL PARENTS OUT THERE:

	DO your best to raise your child in the values that you were taught and
that you believe in.  Make sure your child understands and respects these
values.  They can't be coerced, they HAVE to be understood.

	Your child will learn more in school than they will at home.  Isn't
this what schooling's all about?  I have to admit, my parents laid the
foundation, but I learned most of what I know from my peers.  But it's a
developmental thing.  They learn from the variety of personages out there, and
decide what's best for themselves.  Whether it's right or not with you is
something you would need to DISCUSS.  Which brings us to the next MOST
IMPORTANT point.

	MAKE sure your child can openly discuss ANYTHING with you.  Be open and
compassionate, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, *******OBJECTIVE********

	Listen objectively, discuss OPENLY, then either go with the
child/improvise with your guidance/or (in extreme cases) work with YOUR values.

	It will work, hopefully.

	Look, I'm 25, going on 26, and I'm having my 2nd childhood with this
child.  I've tried to maintain contact with my childhood, as I've found they're
many good lessons, and I hope to be able to relate to my kids better that way.

	PLEASE hit me with any views you may have on this.  If you're a
professional, I'd ESPECIALLY entertain any arguments.

	

	&&&& PLEASE EMAIL YOUR RESPONSES, AS I READ THIS GROUP FAIRLY RARELY.
        	THANKS!



	disclaimer:

	These are my own views, not to be taken as professional advice, but
merely as advice.  Consult your OWN wisdom, your PARENT'S wisdom, and others
before making any decisions.  I only wish to inspire discussion and openess.
But isn't that what we all want?

	My .30 cents.
	


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Organization: Modern Languages Program, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA