From: conditt@tsd.arlut.utexas.edu (Paul Conditt)
Subject: Re:  Accurate Bible Translations
Organization: Applied Research Laboratories, University of Texas at Austin
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 15:13:01 GMT


Andy writes:

>>I thought Paul wrote "Let it Be", or was that John?
>
>Yep, that was Paul.  John wrote "All You Need is Love," based on 
>1 Corinthians 13.  George wrote "My Sweet Lord," based on Psalm 40.
>Ringo does not write, and can barely read.
>
>>>As the name implies, the KJV was written by James, the brother of Jesus,
>>>and author of the biblical epistle that bears his name.  He was called
>>>"King" because of all the spot-on Elvis impersonations he performed
>>>at bar mitzvahs, Day of Atonement bashes, and the like.
>>>
>>>The most accurate version by far is the Queen Mary Version (QMV), used
>>>throughout Scotland and on most luxury liners.  A close second is 
>>>the Old New England Words About YHWH (ONEWAY) Version favored by 
>>>most Coptics and Manicheans, and later adopted by the Pilgrims, the
>>>Puritans, and Larry Norman.  It's the only version that contains
>>>the long-disputed but now accepted verses, "Thou (or you) shalt not
>>>wrangle over thous and thees; neither shalt thou engage in doctrinal
>>>hair splitting, or doctrinal hair styling, or any other acts of 
>>>cosmetology.  You (or thou) shalt wear thy hair unkempt and shall
>>>love one another instead, and if ye persist in such unloving nonsense 
>>>YHWH shall personally come down and rend thy concordances and smite
>>>thee on the noggin'."  
>>         ^^^
>>Andy, I can't believe that you have been so grossly negligent to misquote
>>this well-known and all-important verse that many of us hold near and dear
>>to our hearts.  In the gospel according to Ringo (I assume this is where
>>you got the verse), the correct and undisputed word used in the last
>>sentence here is "thy", not "the".  The last phrase should read "... and
>>smite thee on THY noggin'."
>
>First, let me clear up a misconception.  Although the gospel is 
>attributed to Ringo, most spirit-filled people now believe that Ringo
>could *not* have written it because he is incapable of putting
>a subject and a verb together, much less putting together whole sentences
>with impressive, scholarly words like "smite," "persist," and "noggin'".
>It seems far more likely that someone, possibly Yoko or Linda, 
>actually wrote the gospel based on Ringo's recounted visions, musings,
>and dazed mumblings.  
>
>The whole "the/thy" controversy is not as clear-cut as you would like
>us to believe.  Sure, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, and Bob Dylan
>all favor the "thy" reading, but the latest scholarship (see 
>"I Want to Hold Thine Hand - A History of the Liverpudlian Holy
>Writings," S. Pepper et. al.) seems to cast doubt on that reading,
>and proposes instead that Ringo may have actually mumbled "thigh"
>instead of "thy" - further evidence, no doubt, of his addled 
>brain and general intellectual befuddlement, since a "thigh
>noggin'" would probably only make sense to someone who had done
>a lot of drugs.  
>
>Pepper proposes that Ringo actually said "thigh" but meant "the."
>It certainly fits the context much better, although, of course,
>we have no way of really knowing whether Ringo said "thigh" but
>actually meant "egg" or "Paul's" or "James'".  At a certain point
>you have to rely on the Spirit's guidance and an ability to 
>ridicule anyone who thinks differently.
>
>>Here's an interesting historical note about the origins of this verse.
>>The part about keeping one's (thou's) hair unkempt arises from the fact
>>that Lubbock, Texas is the capital of the Bible belt (at least west of
>>the Mississippi).  As we are all well-aware, Lubbock is a very windy city.
>>The women there are allowed to wear hair spray and keep their hair neat,
>>but the men are forbidden to wear hair spray since this could lead to
>>looking like people who live in Austin which could lead to liberalism
>>or worse yet, Democraticinism.  To keep from offending the upstanding,
>>godly men of this model community (it is George Bush's "pulse of America")
>>from committing a sin by wearing hair spray, this verse was added to 
>>actually make it a requirement to allow nature to take it's course.  You
>>can find this and other interesting facts on the ONEWAY translation in
>>the best selling commentary by Jim Bob Davis published by Carman, Inc.
>>Publishing Company and Artist Supply Warehouse.
>
>Quite right.  And I'm amazed at how certain ungodly, backslidden, 
>humanism-infested parts of the church have bought into the lie and 
>have actually promoted the use of hair spray among the male members
>of their congregations.  There's actually a televangelist here in
>Columbus who sells his own brand of "Christian" hairspray called
>the Air O' Saul Can, which supposedly will keep one's hair in place
>even in dank caves and while fleeing from one's enemies.  

A very dark and subtle movement has entered into Christiandom and has
begun not only endorse the use of hair-care products, such as Air O' Saul,
Vidal Sassoon and Slick Willie's Wet-Look Miracle and Engine Treatment,
but also hair transplants, hair removal and, in the mildest of cases,
hair combing.  This movement is sponsored in part by the Greater Evangelical
Televangelists, Real Estate Agents and Lawyers (GETREAL) and the Smut
Snatchers of Tuna, Texas.  The problem, they say, is this - there are far
too many single people in our churches today.  They are subversive, evil
influences who listen to bands like Stryper and are capable of having 
sex without being married.  The solution to this problem is, of course,
to get them all married.  But how can they possibly get married when their
hair is in shambles?  These poor men (the women here are *not* at fault)
either have unkempt hair (in the tradition of the Council of Elders in
Lubbock, America) or do not have enough hair, or have hair in the wrong
places.  It is therefore not only necessary, but our God-given duty to
help these men in every way possibly, which obviously means better and
more efficient hair care.

>
>Remember, Satan masquerades as an angel of light.  Keep your eyes wide 
>open and the comb outta your (thine) hair.  The Haircare products of
>America are waiting to lead your astray - Grecian Formula, with
>its roots in Gnosticism and Platonism, Vidal Sassoon, ready to
>grasp you in the twin clutches of cosmetology and ze phony Fransh
>accent.  "The righteous man shall flee with his hair flying in the
>wind, like an old Prell commercial" (2 Opinions 7:77).  If fingers 
>were good enough for Jesus, they're good enough for me.  

A common argument against this theology is that Jesus used not only his
fingers for hair-care, but also spit.  Since Jesus's spit was able to 
heal the blind, it was obviously capable of holding his hair in place.
Since we do not have access to Jesus's spit, we must rely on products
created by godly, upstanding manufacturers like Slick Willie.

>
>>>I don't think anyone could dispute the fact that the QMV and ONEWAY
>>>versions are God's annointed Word.  All other versions are perversions
>>>of the truth.  
>>
>>I'm sorry, Andy, but according to the Dallas Morning Enquirer, which is
>>published by the SBC (Southern Blowhard Convention), the QMV is definitely
>>supported as being God's annointed word.  However, the ONEWAY version,
>>although popular, has not been endorsed by the Republican party as of yet,
>>so obviously *cannot* be considered God's annointed word.  Thou must 
>>getteth thy facts straighteth from thy horse's mouth beforest thou 
>>quoteth facts mistakenly.  
>
>True, but it's been endorsed by the NRA, the DEA, and the FBI.  Sure, 
>the CIA and the Vice President still deny any knowledge of it, but it's
>just a matter of time before it becomes the Official Bible Translation of 
>the XXVI Olympiad.

I'm sure then, that after the Olympiad, versions of ONEWAY will be available
at McDonald's for only $.99 with the purchase of a large sandwich at which
time it will become endorsed by the Republican party along with Ross Perot
who will have become president of McDonald's after realizing that this is
where the true power in this country lies.  The cover will resemble that
of a Wheaties box and will have pictures of our favorite athletes next to
the most popular apostles (Ringo is slated to be part of the Dream Team).

>
>>In my personal study, I have found Chico
>>Esquela's Translation to be very helpful.  It's full name is Chico
>>Esquela's Translation of the Bible and Auto Repair Manual.  It's the
>>only book that actually contains such gospel classics as First and
>>Second Opinions, Hezekiah, the Gospel according to Ringo (George's is in 
>>translation as we speak), How to rebuild a 4-barrel Quadrajet Carb on
>>your small-block Chevy, and of course, his inspiring testimonial entitled
>>"Baseball has been bally bally goot to me".
>
>Nope, Esquela's translation is a big mistake.  There's a fatal flaw in 
>Esquela's theology because, quite obviously, God is a Ford man.  Always has 
>been.  Chevies entered the world as a result of the Fall.  They are not
>part of God's redemptive plan, and will some day be swept away, along
>with Hyundais, Hondas, Toyotas, Lima beans, Madonna, and the ACLU.  

This, then, explains the demonic forces at work in my '63 Chevy pickup.
However, there is some controversy about the great Lima bean theology.  As
you recall, the word "Lima" is a derivative of the Latino word "Lima",
which in English is "lime".  Lime was meant to be used in conjunction with
drinking tequila, which is almost without question considered to be the
spirit by which Ringo recounted his account of the gospel.  Plus, with the
use of limes in such everyday staples as lime jello and lemon-lime soft
drinks, how can we possibly say that it comes from Satan?  It's the 
American way!

>Andy Whitman
>AT&T Bell Laboratories, Columbus, Ohio
>att!cblpn!ajw  or
>ajw@cblpn.att.com

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