From: helie@bach.udel.edu (Ray)
Subject: Re: Cruelty when breaking up
Organization: University of Delaware
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 23:34:29 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.184726.14737@jetsun.weitek.COM> 
weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Weaver) writes:
>In article <BrpJ0J.MvM@news.udel.edu> helie@bach.udel.edu (Ray) writes:

" Ray, you originally asked why would someone who you had broken up with
  treat you cruelly after a breakup, even though she said she loved you
  before. You may feel that if she dumped you, that there must be a
  reason, and she should communicate it to you so your relationship can
  continue, albeit in some drastically different way. Clearly, that
  is the adult and sensible thing to do. "

I agree totally with that!
 
" But look at it from her point of view: she probably had a dream of some
  perfect relationship, and had been convinced that you were the one to
  fulfill that dream.  She discovered, for what ever reason, that you
  couldn't make that dream come true.  She had a lot invested in her
  dream, and now feels she has lost the dream forever, and hurts over
  losing the dream.  "
  
I never thought of it that way!  It would be nice if she didn't
act like it was my fault.  You know, I am willing to stay away 
from her, if that is what she wants.  I just have a problem with
her communicating that wish to me via cruelty instead of being
rational and talking to me about it.  If we talked, and she 
asked this of me, I would gladly give it to her (well, maybe not 
quite *that* gladly), because I would then at least appreciate the fact
that she respected us enough to even tell me about it.

Also, after a good amount of time, it would be more likely that we
could have a normal and strong friendship.  This is not so likely
if it ends with her treating me like yesterday's trash.

" Now, seeing you is causing her pain because it
  reminds her of the loss of that dream.  She may wish you would simply
  disappear, so she can forget she ever had a dream. "

Now *that* makes some sense.  It never occurred to me.  Again, if
she would tell me that in a normal manner, we would both be better off.
  
" By the way, have you tried talking to her about this? I know you said
  she won't tell you what is going on, but have you actually confronted 
  her? " 
  
Several times.  She kept blowing me off.  Well, except once in 
a while, we actually had a normal conversation, then next 
time, it's back to square one again.  That's what confused me
so much.  At this point, I'm pretty much out of the situation.  
The next move, if there is to be any, is hers.  So much damage 
has been done, I no longer feel the same for her; a friendship is 
all I would consider.
  
" You might ask her if she has dumped you
  (if she has not acknowledged this), and how she intends to deal with you
  in the future. I wouldn't get into the 'why', because this tends to
  sound like an accusation, and make the other person clam up. "

More good advice.  How did you get so good at this stuff?!  I only
wish I knew then what I know now.  I may have been able to handle
it better.  

Thanks a lot for your response, Michael.  You have given me another 
viewpoint to consider.  8-)
  

Ray  8-)