From: query@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Samuel Green)
Subject: Re: More Stupid Player Tricks
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1992 18:19:29 GMT

	About a year ago, whilst DM'ing a group of people in the military,
I had encountered enough "Stupid Player tricks" that I decided to compile a
list for the group to enjoy.  These were all accomplished by this group of
players, and they brought back a few fun memories of things and events that
had happened. Onward:

	1) "Dm, If My character were to strap about 100 chickens to his
body, would they absorb damage for me?"
	Me: "Um.  Ah. Agh...."
	The character did do this (With dead chickens) and one of the other
players (A mage) decided to have a BBQ. :)

	2) "Some days you just can't win." - Said by player who had just
been blasted by the Arch-Lich, flame striked by the High Priest of Aries,
 ressurrected, poisoned by an assassin, ressurrected, had burning hands
cast on him by a 22nd level mage, psionic blasted by same, ressurrected...
all in the same adventure.

	3) "Okay, heres the plan: Drow aren't very tough, so we will just
run in screaming our heads off and charge.  Got it?"  Acme corpse retrieval
had a lot of business that day...

	4) Me to player: "No, you *can't* have a Holy Avenger.  Trust me,
you don't want it."
	Player: "But Jim has one.  I want one too. In the name of
fairness..."
	Me: "Okay, you asked for it..."
	So I rolled up a Holy Avenger, it turned out to be
"Special/intelligent" (17 int, special purpose "Destroy Thieves" special
purpose ability: Disintegrate.
	Player: "All right!  Let me have it!"
	I did. The pc was a thief. :)

	5) "You mean that I'm dead?  Oh." -- Player who had just had "Chain
Lightning" cast into the room that he was sole occupant of by fellow party
member and 17th level mage.

	6) "Okay, I climb up the 150 foot wall, turn around and leap onto
the dragons back, doing a backstab."  --  said by player who, 8 seconds
later, was trying to figure out how to get his corpse seperated from the
floor.  He had rolled a 1 on his attack.

	7) "I attack!"  --  a wounded 2nd level player's last words upon
encountering a Drow Priestess while standing guard duty for the party.

	8) "You mean, I didn't hit?  Why not?"  -- Player who had rolled a
3 on his attack roll against Iron golem.

	9) "Okay, I'll handle this.  Yhey will respect me, after all, I
*am* a paladin!  I'll get your stuff back from them."  --  A players last
words after entering the Assassin/Thieves guild.

	10)  Me to player: "Trust me, this isn't like a video game, you
don't get 3 chances.  You don't earn extra lives.  You died.  Let this be a
lesson to you: Farm animals can be tough."

	11) "Dammit, *WHO* put this fu**ing delayed blast fireball in my
helmet?!?"

	12) "If it says 'Don't drink me!'  It has to be a potion of
healing. What?  No, *I* won't test it for you..."

	13) "I think we are going to die now." Player who had just stumbled
into a Dragons lair while the party was singing "Motivational Marches" :)

	14) Player: "Yes!  I killed it!!!" 
	Me: "Yes, it is dead.  Certainly."
	Player: "That will teach those dumb old dragons to sleep on the
job!"
	Me (With evil grin) "Yes, it will."
	Player: "Oh, sh**."

	15) "I wish that there was world peace." -- soon to be unemployed
fighter with a wish spell (End of that particular campaign, thank god.)

	16) "How tough can it be?  It's just a big chicken." -- Player who
was about to find out just how tough a Roc can be.

	17) "Yo, your Holiness, like, y'know, we didnt mean to kill your
guards.  They were just wimps." --  Player 3 seconds before being Flame
Striked by the High Priest of Ra.

	18) "I dring the potion of healing, the potion of Super heroism,
and the potion of gaseous form." I rolled a 99 on the miscability table...
Guess which one became permanent?

	19) "I set him on fire."  -- Player responding to above.

	20) "Um, are orcs flamable?"

	21) "Dm, what does this note mean?  'You read now the spellbook of
Ariathu, Arch-Magus of Dryth.  Explosive runes." --  Dead Wizard.

	22) "Okay, pig boy!  Only one of us is going to walk out of here,
and it wont be me!" -- Player who 3 rounds later was being carried out of
the arena.  Esp? You make the call.

	23) "But, I don't *want* to be polymorphed into the chiuahah.  Let
Mike do it.  He'll do anything."  --  a future Chiuahah.

	24) "Ugh!  Big doggie.  Me like big doggie.  Pet big doggie.
Hey!!?!?   Where the hell is my hand?!?"  --- Barbarian upon meeting dire
wolf.

	25) Me: "If anyone is still alive, lets roll initiative."
	Group : "I've been dead since round 1, you alive? <babbling>  Hey,
is ANYONE still alive?"
	Me: "OOps."

	26) "Okay, lets see if this works:  I approach the Drow Priestess,
cast 'charm person' and order her to commit suicide.  I'll step into it
then, kill her and get the exp."  -- Player who just committed suicide
(Well, the Drow thought the player meant "Help me commit suicide" ...

	27) "Don't worry, I can fall down the 200 foot pit, I have stone
skin on me." ---  Street Pizza.

	28) (last one)  "Okay, I've had it.  I kill the children.  THAT
will show them who to taunt!" --  a former paladin.

	Some of those, I guess, you had to be there for.  What the hell,
UseNet is our friend. :)

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This is not a .sig file, just a clever decoy.
We will take your planet.
We *WILL* recapture our esteemed leader, Geraldo Riviera.
Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.
Ouch, That hurt.
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