From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: HELP: Sucks to be me!!!
Date: 23 Nov 92 22:25:01 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <4f47rne00iV4E6d9cR@andrew.cmu.edu> dk3y+@andrew.cmu.edu (David-Hyung Suk Kim) writes:
>I'm new to this group and I may need some help.  Here's the story.

Dave:

    Before I comment on your particular situation, I would like to
say that you should remember that when you try to get romantically
involved with someone, you are dealing with their innermost emotions
and they tend to feel vulnerable. Also, they may not be aware of why
they feel the way they do. So, you can expect some inconsistent 
behavior. Of course, you want to make a distinction between behavior
that is inconsistent and actions that are irresponsible, but that 
can be difficult unless you know the person well.

>I go to the church once a week and I met this girl there.  When I first
>talked to her, she seemed very pleasant and honest.  The second time I
>talked to her I called her up and I asked her out  but she told me that
>she had a paper to write.  But she said maybe next time.  When I was
>about to hang up my phone, she started making conversation.  This
>continued for about a minute and eventually she hung up.(we said bye) 
>
When she is taking to you on the phone, she tries to get to know you
better. That sounds encouraging.

>My plan was to ask her out again on weekend this time.  Since the only
>time I usually see her is in the church, I was going to ask her out when
>I meet her there.  Unfortunately she didn't show up on that day.  The
>next day I was eating at the cafeteria with my friends and suddenly she
>walks in with another guy and sat down on another table with their
>friends.  But the problem was that as soon as she sat down to face me,
>she got up again and sat down on the chair across from her.(her back on
>me)  I was very curious and surprised why she did such a thing.  Ever
>since this experiment, somehow I got this feeling that she was tring to
>avoid me or something.  The thing is she was the one that approached me
>in the beginning and I had the feeling that she liked me.  
>
It is likely that she feels self-conscious now that she thinks you are
interested in you. She could be worried that if you see her acting
naturally around her friends, that you might think less of her. Or,
she could be worried that her friends might see that you are interested
in her or she is interested in you. This is normal if immature behavior.

>                                                          But I guess
>my predictions were wrong.  I mean she does hang around with this one
>guy constantly.  But according to some of her friends, he is not her
>boyfriend.  I really don't know what's going on.  
>
You won't ever know what is going on. If you are going to get involved 
with her, at some point, you are going to have to trust her. You might
as well get used to it. Let her run her life, and only worry about 
what is going on between the two of you. Don't let jealousy get in
your way.

>I think it's true that relationship develops when you don't try hard. 
>Because I think too much of her and I try to force the relationship. 
>Based on my past experience, I get into the relationship easier if I
>don't force it.  
>
Good. At this point in your relationship, all you should be trying to
do is spend time together and get to know each other. What you need
in order to move on in the relationship is to develop some basic trust 
and understanding. Be generous in giving your time to her, and open about 
how you feel about things outside the relationship. But other than that,
don't expect too much until you have developed some trust between you.

>But I still don't know why she is trying to avoid me.  
>
You aren't her friend yet. She may be attracted to you, but she
needs time to become comfortable with you. You can help her become
more comfortable by being accepting and not pushing her. 

>                                                       I would
>appreciate your advice and comments.
>
I guess I would say that worrying about whether or not she likes you is
like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.  You should be
trying to find out whether or not you like her, not as you hope she is,
but as she actually is. You can't get to know her by trying to second
guess what she is doing. You need to spend time with her and talk to
her. Until you get to know her, don't worry about whether or not 
she likes you, just concentrate on getting her to spend some time with 
you.

If you decide that you really do like her, then you can start to
convince her that you do like her. Not by telling her, but by showing
her how you feel, by treating her lovingly. Then you have a good chance
that she will end up liking you, too. 

If you choose not to get to know someone because they don't seem to
like you at first, you are likely to end up only getting to know 
people who like you for superficial reasons, while not getting 
to know people who you would get along with much better.


Good Luck,
Michael.