From: rpowers@panix.com (Richard Powers)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: My turn to rant.
Keywords: life sucks
Date: 7 Nov 92 09:31:55 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC

Why exactly am I still here?  What do I think I can salvage out of this
miserable thing I call a life?

Friends?
		Friends are a fraud.  There is no way another human being
		is going to be loyal to to you when it doesn't suit
		his/her needs.  Love (romantic, platonic... any kind) is a
		myth.  Humans are at their core are selfish.  Evolution
		couldn't let it be otherwise.

Romance?
		Where?  The female human seems to be attracted only to the
		type of man who is "dangerous".  This usually translates
		into complete jerks who have no respect for women.  Nice
		guys definitely finish last in this arena.  
		So how does the human male deal with this?  He can either
		be a "typical male" ([who] "thinks with his dick."  From a
		song by Consolidated), who objectifies women.  Or seek
		something more and be rejected by the typical female for
		being "too nice".  Hearing "I don't think of you THAT
		way."  

		Also see Love under "friends".

Family?

		Family are just friends who pretend to be so by
		circumstance instead of by choice.  They may not want to
		be in any relationship with you at all, although they
		probably will not say so, but feel obligated to.  They
		will also undoubtably have some role they think you should
		play out- imprinted by society - which they will feel
		threatened if you fail to go along with.

Work
		Satisfaction of a job well done.  Phah!  Very... very few
		people are satisfied with their jobs.  Workaholics are
		often just throwing themselves into their jobs to help
		them forget how miserable they are.  One thing that
		separates humans from other animals is the ability to
		delude its self.  

		Generally nothing more than economic slavery.

School
		Usually seen as a means to acquire a job.  Also a way for
		society to imprint its messed up standards, bigotry,
		hatred, and other senseless rules of conduct upon the
		young.  The best thing about it is what it isn't. Namely: work. 
		But you can't stay in school forever.  (Although some make a
		good approximation.)  ;-)

Recreation time.  (Not-work, not-school)

		Hmmm.  Hang out with your "friends"?  Go to obligatory
		"family" gatherings?  Seek out "romance"?  Go to "school"?
 		Or just waste time.

Learning  (Maybe should have been under "school"- but maybe not).

		Always learning new things in life?  Maybe.  Is most of it
		challenging?  No.  Is most of it tedious?  Yes.  
		Maybe in the end you learn it wasn't worth it.  And when
		you learn it IS the end?  What does it all amount to
		when you're gone?  Not a whole hell of a lot I'm guessing.
 
Material possessions.

		The whole _idea_ of property is an illusion.  Even within
		the context of that illusion, possessions aren't as
		tangible as we sometimes like to think.  Possessing things
		can become addicting.  The more you have, the more you
		want.  Thus possessions can never satisfy you.  You will
		never have "enough".

God/religion.

		If God is perceived as an omnipotent creator of the
		universe, then the universe is nothing more than a game
		that God has created.  I think this game lacks playability 
		(ie: IT SUCKS!), is slow moving, and cannot be won.


So.  Why do I continue through my mothers death, my best friends mother
death, and loneliness to occupy my time?  Not to mention 7+ years of
depression.  The memory of my father standing in a window threatening my
mother he would kill himself (in front of me and my brother as kids).  My
mother having told me my father tried to rape her.  Two non-fatal suicidal
"gestures" in those seven(?) years of depression.  Being unable to
accomplish 90%+ of things I want/decide to do.  Prospects for the future
about as bright as (1)eventually becoming homeless because I can't manage
to keep a job (2)ending up in a psychiatric ward (at a STATE hospital) (3)
dead.  Either from suicide or as a result of (1) or (2).  My "friends"
basically abandoning me since the latest suicide attempt.  My family a
complete joke.  Never having had a date in 23 years.  Getting close enough
to it to know what I'm missing.  Why aren't I getting out the razor
blades?  I don't know.  Maybe because I don't entirely believe some of the
things in the top of the message?  Maybe.  I really don't know.


-- 
rpowers@panix.com                .sig file...             ...just a .sig file.