From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: christmas
Date: 26 Dec 1992 08:01:33 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


*spoiler warning -- this is not about happy Christmas cheer*


I HATE Christmas.  I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.  I am starting to
understand why so many people commit suicide during this time of the year.
When I was little I used to complain that Christmas never FELT like Christmas,
it was too ordinary, too boring of a day.  But now it feels like Christmas,
I feel trapped, there is no where to go, I hate it, I feel utterly miserable
I wish I could disappear off the face of the earth.  IT SUCKS!

I knew that Christmas and Christmas Eve were going to be hard for me.  Because
last year was the first time that I didn't do Christmas Eve with my
whole extended family, the first time EVER.  And then I was with my
mom, it was before I realized that she was a perp too.  Now I am not
with any of my family and I *want* it that way but I *still* feel
miserable.  I tried staying with two friends who were going to be
in town over the break, but that didn't work.  Partly because although
they hadn't originally planned to, they basically DID celebrate 
Christmas today -- got up and exchanged gifts & all.  I had stayed 
up really late, because I was so damn SCARED and didn't want to sleep
and I stayed in bed while they did the gift giving stuff -- but then
I got up and there was wrapping paper everywhere and people were all
happy and bouncing around about presents and I just wanted to disappear
anyway, I had had icky dreams about these same friends trying to get 
rid of me & I felt guilty for feeling to sad and scared and definitely
not holiday like because they were so fun and happy and I felt like I
was bringing down the mood.

and this was with people who weren't even really celebrating Christmas,
it just coicideded that the gift giving ended up on the same day as
Christmas.  I HATE Christmas, I HATE Christmas Eve and at least 
yesterday when I was feeling so bad I hid and cried and then I went
home and cried really loud and threw things and my friend came over 
and sat with me and that was NICE but now I'm just in my ex's empty house
(because I wanted to be alone and my housemate wanted to be alone & our
house is too small for that to work well -- and my ex gave me the keys
to his house for during break -- and nobody else is in it, so here I am
(he's got a modem -- so do I -- so I can log on anyway)

now I'm just sitting over here and I can't even cry, I'm just sitting
here and I feel so gross.  I really hate this.  somebody inside keeps
saying that it is the holiday.  that tomorrow i will not feel this
intensely like an awful person who spoils everybodies good times and
always need somebody to take care of her and is just a miserable
childish immature piece of trash.  (well, that worked to get me crying
at least)  i don't really feel like that.  often. or not much of me
does.  but that is sort ofwhat I'm feeling right now.  trash.  i should
get thrown out.  i need too much from people.  i expect too much from 
people.  i'm even and needy and selfish and gross and I can't allow 
anyone to have fun if i'm not and i'm just *GROSS*

and this selfish thing.  in the courage to heal and stuff, they talk
about how its okay to be selfish.  good even.  that I need to take
care of myself.  that I should be as or more importnat to me than the
people are me are to me.  my needs and wants are important.  and i
have accepted a lot of that over the past year.  it *is* important to
be selfish sometimes, I need to take care of myself, I can't expect to
be taken care of.  but.... i feel awful doing it.  and what I do affects
other people.  even if I'm not doing anything to them.  i don't know, i'm
all confused, i'm sorry.

and I keep saying i and I don't even know who I am.  one of us seems to
be staying out.  the children are really afraid, I wish I could have given
them a holiday on the soltice.  because they want their holiday and they
want it with their friends, but we keep getting so upset and scared
and then we don't cover it up like we usually do, we keep letting it out
but maybe it's better to cover it up.

I have been trying to change so many of my coping behavoirs -- I have been
trying to convince myself that it is good to open up, to not stuff my
feelings way down inside, but maybe sometimes that is good and these
couple of days we keep thinking that maybe the old coping ways are 
better than the new ones, but what we really wish is that we weren't
alive.  i hate today.  i really really hate today   and if someone was
totally positive that tomorrow will be at least a little bit better.

okay, this empty house is finally being usefull.  crying loud and screaming
i wish I had some glass to throw.  i really hate this, if you haven't
figured it out thus far.

and I don't know what to do to make these damn holidays more bearable.
maybe just time will help, i don't know.

we're sorry.  we're so sorry. we didn't want to do anything wrong, we
were going to be nice and good and go to the friends house and hide in a
corner and be good and nice and quiet and not disturb anybody and just
be mostly invisible but enough there that they could see us a little so
they wouldn't worry about us, we don't want people worry about us, we're
just bad little ones who don't like Christmas and its all our fault, mommy
said so, Christmas is what you make it, so it must be our fault that we
are always sad on Christmas, that it is a - disappointment the big one
says-  we were going to be good and hide in a corner and not bother
anybody and not make them feel like they needed to take care of us, they
didn't even have to feed us, we hadn't eaten but we didn't want make them
feel bad, and we been hungry before when people forgot about us and when
we didn't liek what they were eating 

so we were just going to hide and try to survive and not bother anyone
and we wanted them to have a normal day so we wouldn't have to worry
about anything, we would just hide and punish ourselves and remember
that all that stuff we learned about ourselves is worng, because we
are wrong and we are bad, but that iso kay, it really it, we'll be okay
we were just afraid of the family so we wanted to hide, but it didn't
work, because they are, 'safe people' theysay, and so we feel kinda bad
about hiding inside with them,and then they did holiday stuff.  so it wasn't
just a normal day.

and holidays have, 'expectations' they say [they say is us big ones 
inserting words for who is typing] they have 'expectations' and you 
not allowed just hide in corners,be spoil sport and friend notice.  we
tried stay asleep all day today but the kept trying to get us to wake
up and one friend was little and likes presents and have fun we we 
LIKE her she is NEAT and we WANT her have fun, and we know we not fun
we can't have fun on icky day and we feel bad cause we know 'cause we 
not want have fun her fun isn't as good, but we tried stay asleep but
they wouldn't let us.

and it felt like cousins and aunts waking us up.  felt like family.
felt like stupid family Christmas.  waking us up.  boucning.  stockings.
presents. wrapping paper.  food.  then unhappy people seperating into own
spaces and us retreating into self.  felt like good ole family Christmas.
didn't want that.  didn't want that at all.  didn't like that.  wish we
could hibernate for two days and have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day all
over with.  don't like them.  

still only 4:20 pm.  lots of day left.  don't like.  don't like at all.
sorry.  we really sorry.  I'm somebody else, I'm whose reallly sorry about
today, we are reallysorry wewishweneverhadanyaffectonanyone we wish we
never cared about anyone, never loved anybody and they never did us neither.
but we don't really wish that,  but it is hard.  is real hard,.  we soryr
we be good we sorry we sorry we sorrysorrysorrysrrysrrsrysorrysorrysorry
we be good we not make noise we go alaong we sorry we sorry we hate our
family.

us peoples  (and our stupid name is Christina.  and sometime we accidentally
mix up writing Christmas and Christina.  yucky)


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