From: mbfarah@isluga.puc.cl (MIGUEL BRAXTON FARAH)
Subject: HOLY GRIAL 05/05
Organization: Pontificia Universidad Catolica de Chile
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 12:34:14 GMT


-------------begin part 5-----------8<--------------8<-----------
       number of the counting shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count,
       neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
       Five is right out.  Once the number three, being the third number,
       be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
       towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

                               ARTHUR
       Right.

   He pulls Pin out.  The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

                               ARTHUR
          (quietly)
       One, two
|      , three ...
+      , five ...
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three, sir!
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three.
+
   ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT. There is an explosion and cheering
   from the KNIGHTS.

                               ALL KNIGHTS
       Praise be to the lord.  Huzzah!

32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY

   MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave.  It is a large cave and as
   they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave
   a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise
   as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall.
   The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

                               ARTHUR
       There!  Look!

                               BEDEVERE
       What does it say?

                               GALAHAD
       What language is this?

                               BEDEVERE
       Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It is Aramaic!

                               GALAHAD
       Of course.  Joseph of Aramathea!

                               ALL
       Of course.

                               ARTHUR
       What does it say?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
       Aramathea."

   Excitement.

       "He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail
        in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
        "The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

                               BEDEVERE
       What's that?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       He must have died while carving it.

                               BEDEVERE
       Oh, come on.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       That's what it says.

                               ARTHUR
           (miming)
       But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
       He'd just say it.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It's down there carved in stone.

                               GALAHAD
       Perhaps he was dictating.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up.  Is that all it says?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       That's all.  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

                               ARTHUR
       "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

                               BEDEVERE
       Do you think he meant the Camargue?

                               GALAHAD
       Where's that?

                               BEDEVERE
       France, I think.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

                               ARTHUR
       No, that's Saint Ives.

   A muffled roar is heard.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Hey!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      No, that's in Herefordshire.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (more urgently)
|      No ... HEY!!!
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "
|
|                              ROBIN
|      No!  "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      Oooooh!
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      No!  "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!
+
   He indicated the entrance of the cave. They all turn and look. There in
   the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.

                               ARTHUR
       Oh!
                               GALAHAD
       My God!

                               LAUNCELOT
       What is it?

                               BEDEVERE
       I know!  I know!  I Know!

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BEDEVERE
       It's the ... oh ...
           (snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)
       it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

   Another hideous roar.

       That's it!

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BEDEVERE
       It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|  At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION. ARTHUR turns.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Who was that?
|
|                              HECTOR
|          (from back of group; northern and helpful)
|      It was Sir Alf.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.
|
|                              HECTOR
|      He was feeding it bread.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (shouting back)
|      Well, that was a very silly thing to do.  Now the rest of you stand
|      well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|                              HECTOR
|      Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Look out.
|
|  The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them. The KNIGHTS retreat
|  into the darkness of the cave.
|
|                              GAWAIN
|          (as they run)
|      It's only a cartoon.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sh!

   They run off.  Darkness.  The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

+                              VOICE OVER
+      As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
+     and his knights seemed hopeless,  when, suddenly ... the animator
+     suffered a fatal heart attack.
+
+                              ANIMATOR
+      Aaaaagh!
+
+                              VOICE OVER
+      The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail
+      could continue.

   ANIMATED SEQUENCE.  Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a
   distant opening to the cave.  They reach the opening.  It is day.

33 EXTERIOR - DAY

   The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a
   breathtaking, barren landscape.  Glencoe.  They are half they way up
   the side of a mountain.  They rest a few seconds and get their breath
   back.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|     Look!
|
+                              GALAHAD
+     There it is!
+
+                              ARTHUR
+     The Bridge of Death!
+
+                              ROBIN
+          (to himself)
+      Oh! Great ...
|
|   They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone
|   which bears the words:  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  5 miles" and an arrow.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      God be praised.  This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke
|      in scene twenty-four.
|
|   The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along
|   the side of the mountain.  GALAHAD is leading.
|
|   MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher.  The path gets more and more
|   slippery and dangerous.  They reach another milestone which says:
|   "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni!  82 miles" and
|   an arrow pointing in the opposite direction.  They go on.  It is
|   dangerous and difficult.  Tension in their faces.
|
|   As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (to himself)
|      Oh, great!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveller
|      three questions.  And he who answers the three questions can
|      cross in safety.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (warily)
|      And if you get a question wrong?
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
|
|34 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   CUT TO them struggling along.  Perhaps downhill now.  It is growing misty.
|   SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points.  They peer.
|
|   CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the
|   gorge below.  We cannot see the other side.
|
|   Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they
|   met earlier in the forest.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (to BEDEVERE)
|      He's the Keeper of the Bridge.  It's the old man.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (swallowing hard)
|      Who's going to answer the questions?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      You go, Robin, and God be with you.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (looking round wildly)
|      Er ... I tell you what -
|          (lowering voice)
|      Why doesn't Launcelot go?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (considering a moment)
|      Very well ... Sir Launcelot.  Brave Sir Launcelot.  This is the Bridge
|      of Death ...
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed.
|          (drawing his sword)
|      I will ...
|
|   ARTHUR restrains him.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      No, hang on.  All we want is for you to approach the old man
|      and he will ask you three questions.  Answer those question as
|      best you can, and we will watch ... and pray.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      Yes, my liege ...
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot!  Be careful ...
|
|   They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten.  LAUNCELOT approaches the
|   Bridge of Death.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Listen to the questions.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      Look!  It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      He is the keeper of the Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions ...
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions ... he who answers the five questions
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions, may cross in safety.
+
+                              ROBIN
+          (warily)
+      And if you get a question wrong?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Oh ... wacho!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Who's going to answer the questions?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Hey! I've got a great idea!
+      Why doesn't Launcelot go?
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Yes. Let me.  I will take it single-handed ...
+      I will make feint to the north-east ...
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      No, hang on!  Just answer the five questions ...
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions ...
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions ...  And we shall watch ... and pray.
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      I understand, my liege.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Good luck,  brave Sir Launcelot ...  God be with you.
+
+   LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER.
+
                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Stop!

   SIR LAUNCELOT stops.  The KNIGHTS watch anxiously.  ARTHUR sniffs briefly
   and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armour.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Who approaches the Bridge of Death
       Must answer me
       These questions three!
       Ere the other side he see.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your name?

                               LAUNCELOT
       My name is Sir Launcelot.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your quest?

                               LAUNCELOT
       To find the Holy Grail.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your favorite colour?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Blue.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Right.  Off you go.

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist.  The bridge perhaps disappears
   into the mist and we cannot see the other side.  ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN
   exchange glances.  ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief.

                               ROBIN
       That's easy!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Stop!
       Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
       Must answer me
       These questions three!
       Ere the other side he see!

                               ROBIN
       Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your name?

                               ROBIN
       My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your quest?

                               ROBIN
       To seek the Grail!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is the capital of Assyria?

                               ROBIN
           (indignantly)
       I don't know that!

   He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the
   precipice.

                               ROBIN
       Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!


35 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side. He looks
   back across the invisible chasm.  Dimly in the distance he hears:

                               GAWAIN  (OUT OF VISION)
       Sir Gawain of Camelot!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
       What is your quest?

                               GAWAIN (OOV)
       To seek the Holy Grail.
|
|                              BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
|      What goes:  black white ... black white ... black white?
|
|                              GAWAIN (OOV)
|      Oh, er ... Babylon!  er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|   SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge.  In the
|   distance we hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud,
|   suddenly a hand lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder.
|
|                              POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER)
|      Just want to ask you some questions, sir.
|
|    LAUNCELOT turns and reacts.  He is led away.
|
|
|36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY
|
|   CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (to ARTHUR)
|      How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to
|      maintain velocity?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Oh ... when you're king you know all those things.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your favorite colour?
+
+                              GAWAIN
+      Blue ...  No yelloooooww!
+
+   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your name?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your quest?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      To seek the Holy Grail.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      Er ...  I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
+
+   BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      How do you know so much about swollows?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
+
   Suddenly they appear at water's edge. They look across the water. A huge
   expanse disappearing into the mist. How can they cross?

   Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist
   appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them.

   They gaze in wonder.  The mysterious boat comes to where they are standing.
   As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer
|   to the boat.  As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks
|   up at them.
|
|                              BOATKEEPER
|          (he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER)
|      He who would cross the Sea of Fate
|      must answer me
|      these questions twenty-eight.
|
|   He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances,
|   then turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the
|   water.  They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist
|
|   FADE OUT
|
|
|37 ANIMATION
|
|   A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake.
|
|   MIX TO


38 EXTERIOR - DAY

   The boat carries them across a magical lake.  They land and get out of
   the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their
   knees.

   Crescendo on music.

                               ARTHUR
       God be praised!  The deaths of many find knights have this day
       been avenged.

   Music swells.  They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for
   which they have searched for so long.  Suddenly a voice comes from
   the battlements.

   Music cuts dead.

                               FROG
       Ha ha!  Hello!  Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur
       King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

   The KNIGHTS look up.

                               FROG
       We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English
       mousedropping hoarders ... how you say:  "Begorrah!"

   ARTHUR stands and shouts.

                               ARTHUR
       How dare you profane this place with your presence!  I command
       you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the
       Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!
           (he turns to the KNIGHTS)
       Come.

   ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

                               FROG
       How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you,
       sons of a window-dresser,  so, you think you could out-clever us French
       fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour.
           (blows a raspberry)
       I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured,
       mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

   By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door.
   ARTHUR bangs on the door.

                               ARTHUR
       In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.

   Jeering from the battlements.

                               FROG
       No chance, English bed-wetting types.  We burst our pimples at you,
       and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained
       wipers of other people's bottoms!

   French laughter

                               ARTHUR
       If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...

   A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR.  He tries to retain his dignity.

                               ARTHUR
       In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...

   Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

       ... Right!
           (to the KNIGHTS)
       That settles it!

   They turn and walk away.  French jeering follows them.

                               FROG
       Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or
       we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets
       of your testicles already.

                               ARTHUR
           (to KNIGHTS)
       Walk away.  Just ignore them.

   ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off.  A small hail of chickens,
   watercress,   badgers and mattresses follows them. But they are on their
   dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

                               FROG
       And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think
       you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy
       k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.

|  CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He
|  rises up into SHOT.
|
|                              BRIDGEKEEPER
|      He would cross the sea of fate,
|      Must answer me these questions
|      Twenty-eight.
|
|  CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two
|  CONSTABLES.
|
|                              INSPECTOR
|      All right, put him in the van.
|
|  THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.
|
   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away. French taunts still audible in
   the distance.

                               FRENCH
       You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

                               ARTHUR
           (to BEDEVERE)
       We shall attack at once.

                               BEDEVERE
       Yes, my liege.
           (he turns)
       Stand by for attack!!

   CUT TO enormous army forming up. Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
   towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!" Traditional
   army build-up shots.  The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.
   We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

                               ARTHUR
       Who are they?

                               BEDEVERE
       Oh, just some friends!

   We end up back with ARTHUR.  He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

   PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the
   wind. Some of the horses whinny nervously, and rattle their coconuts.

   ARTHUR is satisfied at last.  He addresses the castle.

                               ARTHUR
       French persons!  Today the blood of many valiant knights shall
       bee avenged.  In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight
       until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those
       whom God has chosen.

   ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:

       CHARGE!

   The mighty ARMY charges. Thundering noise of feet. Clatter of coconuts.
   Shouts etc.

   The charge towards the castle.

   Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar
   round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop
   them.  TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE.  Black Marias skid up
   behind them.

   The ARMY halts.
                               HISTORIAN'S WIFE
       They're the ones, I'm sure.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
       Grab 'em!

   The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

   SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head.  They are bundled
   into the black maria and the van drives off.

   The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
           (picks up megaphone)
       All right!  Clear off!  Go on!

   A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
       Move along.  There's nothing to see!  Keep moving!

   Suddenly he notices the cameras.

   As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the
   KNIGHTS huddled inside.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
           (to Camera)
       All right, put that away sonny.

   He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

   The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the screen.

   There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.
|
|  Suddenly jazzy music.  Animated titles.  (A new film completely free
|  with the Monty Python film.)
|
|
|                         "THE CREDITS"
|
|  Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it
|  includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.
|
|
|                          THE END
|
+
+  Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...
+  organ music continues as the audience leave.
+


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cast list:


  GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED:        KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,
                                THREE-HEADED KNIGHT
  JOHN CLEESE PLAYED:           SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
                                LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT,
                                MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN
                                BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY
                                RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT

  TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED:         PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN
                                KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN
                                (THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT)

  ERIC IDLE PLAYED:             THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-DO
                                -WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN,
                                THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET
                                THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S
                                TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER),
                                BROTHER MAYNARD

  NEIL INNES PLAYED:            THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST
                                FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A
                                RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK

  TERRY JONES PLAYED:           DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED
                                KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT

  MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED:         1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
                                DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS
                                ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN
                                WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD,
                                KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S
                                ROOMATE

  CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED:          THE WITCH

  CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED:       ZOOT AND DINGO

  BEE DUFFELL PLAYED:           OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"

  JOHN YOUNG PLAYED:            THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE
                                HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL

  RITA DAVIES PLAYED:           THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR
                                (HONESTLY)'S WIFE

  SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED:        EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET

  AVRIL STEWART PLAYED:         EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
 Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB
 Registerd Number 1138069 England

                                                               August  
5th, 1974.
Dear Mike,

The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's
screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's
probale certificate.

He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given
some dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would
increase the audience.  (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14).

For an 'A' we would have to:

           Lose as may shits as possible

           Take Jesus Christ out, if possible

           Loose "I fart in your general direction"

           Lose "the oral sex"

           Lose "oh, fuck off"

           Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles"

I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the
shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but
to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your
testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on
that basis.

Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Forstater

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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