From: garygm@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gary Brainin)
Subject: Re: A Teenager's job (Was Boundaries)
Organization: Stanford Law School, Stanford University
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 92 06:53:44 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.231335.8707@sco.com> caroline@sco.COM (friend of a fiend) writes:
>
>In article <92199.52867.L621035@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM> L621035@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM writes:
>>------------------------- Original Article -------------------------
>>>   Oh, I'm afraid I'm just going to have to disagree with you, here.
>>>[...]  [T]hey are teenagers, after all.  It's their job to be as
>>>difficult to you as it is within their ability to be.
>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>I found this statement to be *VERY* true.  [...]  Anyway, good
>>insight!
>
>I don't agree with this at all, I think it is a load
>of pop-psych crud that we all believe just because 
>everyone repeats it so often.  I just can't buy the
>line that it is completely "normal" or acceptable for
>teenagers to make their parent's lives hell.

   As the poster of the original article, I'd like to defend my
position here.  First, let me say that I worded my statement _very_
carefully.  I said that it is their _job_ to be as difficult _as it is
within their ability to be_.

   Note two things about this statement.  First, that it is their job,
not their fate.  Some people don't do their jobs.  In this case,
failure to do the job is called 'arrested development.'  Second, when
I'm talking about their ability, I'm talking about it within the scope
of all possible factors: the child's temprement, the family
environment, the general environment.  Some children just don't have
it in them to be as hellish as others.  Some have too much.

   But if you don't like pop psychology, how about some real
psychology?  Specifically, the psychodevelopmental stages identified
by one Erik Erikson.  The developmental task of adolescense, according
to Erikson, is individuation.  And since most children grow up in the
shadow of their parents' wills, the only way to individuate is to (at
least internally) differentiate their wills from their parents'.
Sometimes this takes the form of outrageous behaviour, sometimes just
moodiness.  It depends on the child.

   I certainly didn't mean to say that it is every teenager's job to
raise as much hell as possible.  It is their job, however, to become
their own persons.  Almost invariably, this results in a long period
of their being "difficult" in one way or another.

>[Tales of the Hell Child deleted to save space.]

   You certainly have my sympathy.  It is nobody's job to be as
horrible to you as your child is being; I didn't mean to imply it.

>
>But back to my original point:  I just don't agree that it is
>always "normal" for a kid to be as difficult to his/her parents
>as possible.  I think that this is entirely an artifact of
>the way our society treats kids, starting from day 1.  Well,
>actually, I suppose it starts from about the time that we,
>as parents, ship them off to day care, or kindergarten, or
>wherever, start separating them from our lives as adults,
>and it continues up to the point where their bodies are
>screaming adulthood with hormones, but the society gives
>them no responsibilities and few rights.  At that point,
>you've got a teenager who is into testing the limits, rather
>than a teenager who sees him- or herself as an emerging
>member of society. 

   I think the factors you list certainly may exacerbate the effect,
but I stand by my original statement.

>Of course, just try separating your own personal family life
>out from the rest of the society you live in (!) so I guess
>it's a moot point in the reality department -- just consider
>it a theory I have, though it is not very testable.  :-}
>Some support for this theory can be found by examining the fact
>that in other cultures, they just don't have the same kinds
>of teen problems that we do in our "civilized" society:  teens
>are expected, and generally start fulfilling, their "jobs" as
>normal members of society rather than rebelling against everything
>in sight.

   Yes, but it's still teens' job to individuate.  If the social
system doesn't allow 'rebels without a cause' to exist, they have to
find a different way to do it.  Maybe it's not as painful for the
parents, but then again, even the little ways children find to rebel
can be painful for a parent.

   Just another reason I don't want one.

			-Gary
-- 
|Gary Brainin                     |BITNET: garygm%leland.stanford.edu@stanford|
|garygm@leland.stanford.edu       |UUCP: ...decwrl!leland.stanford.edu!garygm |
|"...the right to be let alone-the most comprehensive of rights and the right |
|most valued by civilized men."    Olmstead v. U.S. (Brandeis, J., dissenting)|
Xref: sparky alt.parents-teens:1058 misc.kids:19419 soc.men:13543 soc.women:13917 alt.dads-rights:1519