From: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
Subject: Red Dwarf Quotes File
Date: 30 Dec 1992 04:11:23 GMT
Organization: Wellington City Council (Public Access), Wgtn, Nz
Distribution: world
Reply-To: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
NNTP-Posting-Host: kosmos.wcc.govt.nz

===============================================================================
               THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE v0.9
-compiled from submissions from alt.tv.red-dwarf readers, and mine own efforts.
-comments, quotes, etc (no flames please) to ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
===============================================================================

#NEED_CORRECTION
From 'Me^2':
Cat : 'What's this?'
Lister : 'Thats mine, its the pop-up kama sutra. Brutal!'
 - When Rimmer is moving out to live with himself. (Very inaccurate but ought
   to trigger someones memory)
#NEED_CORRECTION
From 'Camille':
Kryten: 'It's a small off duty chechozlovakian traffic warden!'
        - Kryten's definition of an Apple!
#REALLY_NEEDS_CORRECTION!
First Series
Something to do with holly having an I.Q. of 6000 the same as both :
6000 car park attendants,
12000 pe teachers!!
#1_1
From 'The End'
Holly: 'Well she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now ... not
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with'
#1_1
From 'The End':
Lister: 'You see I try and respect Rimmer sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by
        nature.  I try and respect and everything, but it's not easy because
        he's such a smeghead.'
Rimmer: 'Did you hear that sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'
Todhunter:      'Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.'
#1_1
From 'The End':
'You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have?'
        - Lister to Rimmer
#1_1
From 'The End':
Petersen:       'Have you seen Rimmer's arm?'
Chen:           'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!'
#1_2
From 'Future Echoes':
'It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an 
event that could will have been taken place in the future.'
#1_3
From 'Balance of Power':
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "I will!"
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's
still an emergency.  This is an emergency announcement.' - Holly
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: 'I killed him, cha cha cha.'
Lister:     'What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?'
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
 except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
 is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
 slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
 to see if I can't have sex with something!' - Cat
#1_5
From 'Confidence & Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals
Rimmer: 'No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our
        tongues to clean our own genitals.'
#1_6
From 'Me^2':
Holly:  Busy, Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah.  I am, actually.
Holly:  Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed
        fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What!?
Holly:  I'll leave you to your bubble blowing mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come, come on.
Holly:  They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly:  They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly:  The North Western Electricity Board.  They want you Dave.
Lister: Me?  Why?  What for?
Holly:  For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: Me what!?
Holly:  It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you
        left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your
        kitchen.
Lister: I did?
Holly:  You know what happens to sausages left unattended for
        three million years?
Lister: Yeah.  They go moldy.
Holly:  Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
        surface.  Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a
        bank account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own
        ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth.  But since
        you've hoarded it for three million years nobodies got any
        money except you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly:  You left a light on in the bathroom.  So the final demand
        is for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds?  You're kidding!
Holly:  April fools.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly:  Yeah, I know.  But I can't wait six months with a red-hot
        jape like that one on the burner.
#1_6
From 'Me^2':
Cat (after coming out of the closet): 'He won't find that one, not until he 
changes his boots.' (sees Lister, covers his face): `Did you see him clearly?
Did you get a good look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade?' I don't
think so -- that could have been anybody!"
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
'My god!  But I was only away two minutes!'
        - Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
'These can't be my shorts .... THEY BEND!' - Lister
#2_1
From 'Kryten': (?)
[Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf]
Holly:  'Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Last longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk."
Lister: 'Why's that?'
Holly:  'No bugger will drink it!'
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
`Mr Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; or
`Dinosaur breath'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be really
mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- on those rare
and exceptional  circumstances, you can call him Arsehole.' - Lister to Kryten
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
'I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm 
going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' - Cat
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Rimmer: 'The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.'
Lister: 'Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese, and that lemon meringue
        pie, man, what was in that?'
Rimmer: 'I thought you liked that - you brought some back.'
Lister: 'Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!'
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
'Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to
perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!' - Lister
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Cat:    'My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!'
Lister: 'Rimmer's dad has died.'
Cat:    'Well, I'd prefer chicken.'
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say....
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer (suprised):      What?!  This isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No, it's mine.
#2_3
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  `Hel'.  They do
        it beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it?  They do it twice -- two --
        `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'!"
Cat:    'I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
        speech!'
#2_3
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'You ! How did you get into art college ?'
Lister: 'The same way you always get into art college.  The same old usual
        boring normal way you get in.  I failed my exams
	and applied....they snapped me up!'
#2_3
From 'Thanks For The Memory':
'Lister, if two people came to you for a job, and one of them's dead, which
one would you choose?' - Rimmer
#2_3
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!' - Holly
#2_4
From 'Stasis Leak': 
Holly:  Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia
        Newton John.'
Lister: Why?
Holly:  Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia 
	Newton-John.
#2_4
From 'Stasis Leak':
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand 
		still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
		whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal 
		laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
'You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican' - Rimmer
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister electrocuted ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, it should be the yellow cable.'
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
'I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer
camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.  And in the middle
of the night I was woken up by this really wierd noise.  She didn't think men
were better than machines.'
        - Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.'
Lister: 'Well wear the smegging gloves.'
Cat:    '(picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?'
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Lister: 'Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast.  One pea.  I
        tell you I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to cut the pea, it rolls
        away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked.'
Rimmer: 'He's just doing this to destroy your morale.'
Lister: 'Is he.  Well.  I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if
        it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is,
        it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what!'
Rimmer: 'It flew off into your dirty sock basket.'
Lister: 'I'll just have the toast.'
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
        emerging.  Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
        Holly).'
Holly:  '(winks back) Thanks Cat.'
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Holly:  'We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool.  Yes, that's
        right, I am Queeg.'
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    'WHAT!!!!!!'
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
Lister: 'Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?'
Rimmer: 'I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.'
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
Dog:    'I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine! Is that a deal
        or what?'
Cat:    'You want to smell my WHAT?'
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
'That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.'
        - Lister to his female counterpart
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
"You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you, eh?  [there is a cut
here]  I'm pointing at you, yes, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually
addressing you; I'm addressing the one prat in the country who thought he
could get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the
rubbish that I'm saying.  What a poor, sad life he's got!  [there is a cut
here]  Frankly, your act's crap, anyway -- anybody could have had it.  I hate
the lot of you!  Bollocks to you!"
{NB: Said 'Backwards' - don't look for it}
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
[Lister and Cat rapping]
"We didn't come here, looking for trouble,
 we just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle.
 He's smart....."
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
Cat:    'Is that what I think it is?'
Lister: 'What d'you think it is?'
Cat:    'An orange whirly thing in space!'
Lister: 'It's a time hole.'
#3_2
From 'Marooned':
Rimmer: 'That was just a common pub fight... an ordinary barroom brawl... a
        shambolic drunken set-to...'
Lister: 'Which you started.'
Rimmer: 'I merely made an innocuous comment.  I merely voiced the opinion that
	McWilliams was sexually tilted in favor of sleeping with the dead.  I
        didn't start the rumour, i merely voiced it.'
Lister: 'To his face.  Right to his face.  When he was with his four /biggest/
        mates.  Then you do your roadrunner act and leave /me/ to face the
        music.'
Rimmer: 'Well, I could have gotten /hurt/!'
Lister: 'You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?'
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
'You forgot Rimmer's Rule:  Never fight anything with more teeth than 
the entire Osmond family'
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Jenny:  'You know, you're probably the most handsome guy on the ship.'
Cat:    '(grinning) Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say...'
Jenny:  'I'd really like to have sex with a guy like you.'
Cat:    'Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.... What are
        you doing in, say, 10 seconds time?'
Jenny:  'Nothing I couldn't cancel (licking lips).'
Cat:    'Hi, I'm the Cat.'
Jenny:  'Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant.'
Cat:    'Glad to know you.....Jenny who?'
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Lister: 'Lemon juice?'
Cat:    'What the hell is that?'
Lister: 'It's a syringe.'
Cat:    'What kind of syringe?'
Lister: 'It's for cows. Artificial insemination.'
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
'This isn't a meal - this is an autopsy!' - Cat
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
'We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand in the grassy knoll, and shout
'Duck!'... I'm sorry sirs, I seem to have overridden my 'good taste' chip.'
        -Kryten
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Lister: 'The whacked out crazy hippy drummer's called Dobbin.  He joined the
        police force in the end.  Became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
        The bass is called Gazza.  He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
        Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own parking
        space.'
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Cat : 'Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding!'
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Kryten : 'Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced
          states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of
          fermented vegtable drinks.'
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Holly:  'Ah, got him, 'Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister aged 17.''
Rimmer: 'Damm!'
Holly:  'And he died tragically in a plane crash aged 98.'
Rimmer: '98!'
Holly:  'His own fault apparently, he was making love to his 14th wife and lost
        control of the plane.'
Rimmer: 'Have you got any photographs?'
Holly : 'Not of that, no!'
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Blaize: 'Hello.  And welcome to 'The Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and
        Famous.  Tonight we will be looking at the world's youngest billionare,
        Mr. Dave 'Tension Sheet' Lister.  Behind me Mr. Lister's English
        mansion; he had the whole building transported brick by brick from half
        a mile down the road just to get away from the neighbours.  Now that's
        the kind of cash that opens anybodys legs!  The gravel in his drive came
        from Buckingham Palace.  Dave bought Buck palace and had it ground down
        just to line his drive.  This man has a wad /so/ thick you could use it
        to beat whales to death.  He calls his home Xanadu not in reference to
        the famous movie 'Citizen Kane' but as a tribute to the hit single by
        Dave D Dozybekimekinpicnic.  But Dave has musical aspirations of his
        own. Only last year his first single 'Ohhm' shot to number one when he
        personally purchased 3 million copies.  You'll never be short of an
        ashtray in his house.  Like many people who appear to have everything,
        Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.  Well, actually it hasn't,
        but we can only hope.'
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Rimmer: 'Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm 
ALIVE!!!!!' (just before he explodes)
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
'Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?'
	- Rimmer to Kryten
#3_6
In 'The Last Day'
'Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment
factor - 91%.  Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night!'
        - Kryten
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: 'We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can someone
	explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?'
Cat:    'Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
        policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!'
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
'No Silicon Heaven?  Prepostorous!  Where would all the calculators go?'
        - Kryten
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: 'Camille looks like your sister-in-law?  What happened?  Was she
        involved in some kind of horrific car accident?'
Rimmer: 'Who? Janine?  No, of course not -- she was a model!'
Kryten: 'And she looked like Camille?'
Rimmer: 'Absolutely!  The resemblance is uncanny!'
Kryten: 'What did she model? Spark plugs?'
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'You'll like them.... Well some of them.... Well one of them..... Maybe....'
        - Kryten to Camille
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska!' - Kryten
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd' - Kryten
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'He's got mad droid disease. He kept waving a banana in front of me and
calling it a female aardvark.' - RImmer
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.' 
	- Kryten to Camille
#4_1
From 'Camille':
'It's the old, old story:
        Droid meets Droid,
	Droid becomes Chameleon,
	Droid loses Chameleon,
	Chameleon turns into Blob,
	Droid gets Blob back again,
	Blob meets Blob,
	Blob goes off with Blob,
	and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.
How many times have we seen that story!?'
        - Kryten
#4_2
From 'DNA':
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiles a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head close to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head . . . closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well what about other optical effects like split
        screen, slow motion, Quantel[tm]?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them?  Just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well now, that's
        fine, that's great.  No, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid the right nipple nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up short wave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I
        can't seem to pick up jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that Kryten.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have discovered what I believe to be the
        recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't
        appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have
        to use some kind of special adapter, because, no matter what I
        do, the lead keeps falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarrassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject.  Not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in
        polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone straight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we talk about our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What?  Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Wuhw, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous.  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said `Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look'?  Shakespeare had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular sir.  I was just idly flicking
        through an electrical appliance catalogue.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see man, you're neither one thing or the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuum cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favour man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sad act mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a jopke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff, my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Enter Lister]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is decline politely.
#4_2
From 'DNA':
Kryten: 'The question is, how do we turn him back?'
Rimmer: 'The question is, do we want to?'
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
#4_2
From 'DNA':
Rimmer: 'You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
	you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic
	and you're self-obssessed.'
Cat:    'Hey, you just listed all my best features!'
#4_2
From 'DNA':
'Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.'
	- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
#4_3
From 'Justice':
Convict: 'You have no weapons?'
Lister:  'No.  You have no weapon?'
Convict: 'No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied.'
Lister:  'Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I.'
Convict: 'But I lied ... [pulls out a gun with bayonet] ... twice.'
Lister:  'I didn't think of that.'
#4_3
From 'Justice':
'My god, his head burst!' - Cat
#4_4
From 'White Hole':
'I'm not pished.' - Lister, asserting he wasn't drunk
#4_4
From 'White Hole':
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is also infinite...
would you like a toasted tea cake?' - Talkie Toaster
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump': 'Sorry Bongo but lunch is on Millee'
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
'If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.'
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
'Purple alert! Purple alert!' - Holly
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
'Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast' - Ace Rimmer
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.  One: We don't
have any defensive shields, and two: We don't have any defensive shields.
Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but I
thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.'
        - Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that they drop the
          defensive shields)
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Binks:  'Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial
        speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
        It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model,
        in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew:
        three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three
        years. Nothing of salvagable value.  Ah, Felix-Sapiens -- bred from the
        domestic housecat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of
        this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close
        approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly
        overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the
        museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest."
Lister: 'Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in
        the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and
        inoffensive. Of no value or interest.'
Binks:  'Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has
        knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could,
        maybe, master simple tasks.'
Lister: 'Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems
        unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummeling could, possibly,
        be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.'
Binks:  'Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is
        somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.'
Lister: 'Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that
        we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he
        wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in
        two seconds flat.'  (eats cigarette, removes his jacket)
Binks:  'Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed.
         Enlightment, quickly, please.'
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: 'I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever
        been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside to have
        to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.'
Kryten: 'You didn't find it uplifting?'
......
Cat:    'Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that stuff
        about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it went black
        and white and I fell asleep.'
Kryten: 'But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!'
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and
/doesn't/ go into show business?'
        - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: 'They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!'
Cat:    'Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back.'
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'What do you do when you want to have sex?'
Rimmer: 'We ... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid..'
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'It was...different'
Rimmer: 'Different?'
Nirvana:'You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but /so/ many
        courses.'
......
Nirvana:'We usually talk.'
Rimmer: 'What do you talk about?'
Nirvana:'Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...'
Rimmer: 'I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything, apart
        from `Geronimo'.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck up
megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them?  What am I saying?
Bon Voyage.' - Lister
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a
society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman twice
daily, on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit
tacky? .... well, quite clearly I am.' - Kryten
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us
now.  To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers.'
        - Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Woman:  'I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind.  This is an
        opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew...
        and the crew is you three. Basically, you spend your time salvaging
        derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating curries.'
Lister: 'We don't exactly do that much salvaging.'
Woman:  'But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries.'
Kryten: 'We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean.  In fact, I
        distinctly remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.  Remember?
        And you didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he
        just yummed it up!'
Woman:  'And the all-night poker sessions.  Is it always /strip/ poker?'
Lister: 'It all depends on how drunk we are.'
Cat:    'Or how much curry he's had.'
Woman:  'So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?'
Lister: 'Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
        Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in
        theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept?'
Woman:  'No.  No, I think I'm better off where I am.'
Cat:    'But you're dead!'
Woman:  'And meeting you guys has really make me appreciate it a whole lot
        more.'
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people
I met.' - Rimmer, making his goodbyes.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
'Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart - we just won't be together.
[pause] I cannot believe I just said that.' - Rimmer, talking about Nirvana
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamennon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill
        to parchment.'
Lister: 'Yeah, it's the comic-book version.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.'
Rimmer: 'We're in big trouble.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Rimmer: 'Why did no one mention this before.  If I had been told about this at
        the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I
        could have done something about it.  All those charity telethons that I
        pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them /my/ credit card
        number.
Kryten: 'Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary
        worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.'
Rimmer: 'Oh god.'
Kryten: 'Make a contribution.'
Rimmer: 'Oh God.'
Kryten: 'No matter how small.'
Rimmer: 'Oh GOD.'
Kryten: 'You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally
        egocentric, self centered, and self serving.'
Rimmer: 'You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
NOTE: Inq=Inquisitor
Inq:    'Who is to be first?'
Rimmer: 'Lister.'
Inq:    'The hologram.  You shall be first.'
Rimmer: 'Pardon? Sir?'
Inq:    'You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell
        me, what have you done to deserve this superb bit of good fortune?'
Rimmer: 'Well, I say this with the highest respect, but, what gives you the
        right to ask, no actually, to demand that answer of me, your
        magnificence? (bows)'
Inq:    'All must answer to the Inquisitor.'
Rimmer: 'But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?'
Inq:    'Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be
        (lifts visor) yourself.'
Rimmer: 'Oh smeg.'
Inq:    'Oh smeg indeed, matey.'
Rimmer: 'Everyone is judged by their own self?'
Inq:    'It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.  Now then,
        justify yourself.'
Rimmer: 'Well, first I...'
Inq:    'Liar!'
Rimmer: 'I've done good things.'
Inq:    'No you haven't.'
Rimmer: 'In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.'
Inq:    'No you didn't.'
Rimmer: 'Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life.'
Inq:    'When?'
Rimmer: '(pause) Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the Archangel Gabriel.
        Well, that's me converted.  I'm a new man.  Hallelujah.'
Inq:    'You are a slimy, dispicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man,
        aren't you?'
Rimmer: 'Well, sort of, yes.'
Inq:    'So then, justify yourself.'
Rimmer: 'What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military
        failure.  My mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had all
        the looks and talent.  What did I have?  Unmanageable hair and ingrowing
        toenails.  Yes, I admit I am nothing, but from where I started, nothing
        is up.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Cat:    'Hi buddy.'
Inq:    'This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel.  There can't be no
        favours.'
Cat:    'I'm hearing you on FM.'
Inq:    'I have to ask the question.  Justify your existence.  What
        contributions have you made?'
Cat:    'I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.'
Inq:    'Well, that's true.'
Cat:    'Can I go now?'
Inq:    'That's your case?'
Cat:    'You need more?'
Inq:    'Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.'
Cat:    'Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great
        ass.'
Inq:    'You astonish even me.'
Cat:    'Thank you.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Inq:    'Well, Kryten, justify yourself.'
Kryten: 'I'm not sure that I can.'
Inq:    'But surely your life is replete with good works.  There can be few
        individuals who have lived a more selfless life.'
Kryten: 'But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good works
        I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of binary commands
        I am compelled to obey.'
Inq:    'Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?'
Kryten: 'Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and conduct
        his own life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.'
Inq:    'Your argument invites deletion.'
Kryten: 'The rules are yours, not mine.'
Inq:    'Do you wish to be erased?'
Kryten: 'Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.'
Inq:    'In a human this behavior would be considered stubborn.'
Kryten: 'But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place to
        judge them.  I wonder why you do.'
Inq:    '(Closes visor) Enough.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Inq:    '(opens visor) Well, get out of this one, smeg head.'
Lister: 'What are you talking about?'
Inq:    'You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried.  What
        you could've become.'
Lister: 'So?'
Inq:    'You've got brains, man, ones you've never used.'
Lister: 'So?'
Inq:    'So, justify yourself.'
Lister: 'Spin on it.'
Inq:    'The Inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.  Two of you have
        failed to become that which you might so easily have been.  You have
        lived without merit, so lock in deGaul.(*)'
Lister: 'You scum!  You wiped them out!'
Kryten: 'Sir.'
Lister: 'He's crazy, Kryten.  He's erased the Cat and Rimmer.'
Inq:    'They are quite safe.'
Kryten: 'Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.'
Lister: 'Oh.'
(*) Obvious error
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is
        the time to tell me about it.'
Kryten: 'No plan sir.  No sleeves.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'We used to be your shipmates.'
Rimmer: 'Only ... we've forgotten you.'
Lister: 'Yeah.'
Rimmer: '[to Cat] Well, I don't know about you ... but I'm convinced.'
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
'You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and four people
committed suicide!' - Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
'Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?'
        - Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
'Nyaa.  It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick..'
        - Lister
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
'You are a sick, sick person!' - Kryten
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
'Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented.'
        - Kryten
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
'This sounds like a twelve change of underwear trip!'
  - Cat when confronted with the prospect of exploring Rimmers mind.

#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
(typed, spelling errors are intentional)
Lister: 'Help.  Something is crawling up my leg.  I think it's a taranshula.'
Cat:    '(You're playing that dumb adventure game!)'
Lister: 'It's in my boxers.  I think it's making a nest.'
Cat:    '(Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard - that's what I
        usually do.)'
Lister: 'I'm SERIOUS.'
Cat:    'It has an eye the size of a meatball.'
Lister: 'Kill it.'
Cat:    'How?'
Lister: 'I can't think straight.  I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of
        a meatball setting up home in my joy department.  Help me.'
Cat:    'I'm scared'
Lister: 'YOU'RE scared?  How d'you think I feel?'
Cat:    'You haven't SEEN it!'
Lister: 'The lower half of my body has gone numb.'
Cat:    'That's probably for the best.'
Lister: 'It's moving.  Oh *$%^**!!!!'
Hand:   'Hello.  Kryten in danger.  No time to explain.  Follow.'
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
'Sir - a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified service
engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee.
Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.'
        - Kryten
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
'Look I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but I demand my right to a
phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop you.  I thought the threat of legal
action would have you running for cover.'
......
'Is this the British embassy?  Does it look even the remotest /bit/ like the
British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I am doing here and I want
to know now.'
......
'Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running around in
black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes.  Thank God you're here.
You know I really thought that I was in horrible danger. [Rip] Is it just me or
has it suddenly become rather hot in here?'
......
'I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my name and
number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people are or what you think you're
playing at, but I'm not going to give you anything else.  You can oil me all you
like, you can use your tongues and your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous
zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but I will tell you now, this nuts not
for cracking.  However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you
absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, so be
it.  Just have a large quatro-formaggio pizza with extra olives ready at the end.
Ahh - where are you going?  What are you doing?  My God, are you going to take a
flying leap?'
Woman:  'We are going to summon the master.'
'The master?'
Woman:  'You have been prepared for him.'
'This master character - and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full
answer to this one - but why does he want me oiling particulary?  Obviously
whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?'
Woman:  'He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.'
'Not the best news, but it could have been worse.'
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: 'Is it me, or are those frogs saying "useless"?'
Frogs:  'Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless.'
Cat:    'Hey, you've got a giant blood-sucking leech on your neck!  It's
        got a human face!'
Lister: 'It's Rimmer's mum!'
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
'Game over, boys!' - Mr Flibble
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
'...it's a common mistake, made by all truly stupid people.' - Kryten
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
Lister: 'Why can't we meet anyone nice?'
Cat:    'Why can't we meet anyone that shoots straight?'
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
'So let me get this right. You've got a magic carpet for three people to fly to
the King of the Potato People to plead your case, and you're trying to tell me
you're sane?' - Rimmer
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
'The phrase `cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon.' - Holly
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
'You guys have got to be yanking my chain!' - Lister
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
Holly:  'Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
        voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
        database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a
        daffodil!'
Rimmer: 'Well, thankully, Holly's unaffected.'
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    'Don't fish swim south for the winter?'
Kryten: 'That's birds sir.'
Cat:    'Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?'
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
'Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?'
        - Lister, when they discover the suicides
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
'Hang five guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed
suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide.  There's some
kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.' - Cat
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Some kind of sea creature -- a life form we have never encountered
        before -- attacked this ship.  Its defence mechanism is a curious one.
        It secretes a venom -- a poison, possibly even an hallucinogenic --
        which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair.  Now, that's why the
        crewmembers, and even that fish, had committed suicide.  Unfortunately,
        we have been contaminated.  It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find
        that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments of despair and
        anguish.'
Rimmer: 'What about Lister and the Cat?'
Lister: 'I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.'
Rimmer: 'There's nothing new about that.'
Cat:    'What is it with you guys? This has gotten like Saturday night at the
        Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? I mean
        you guys just fall apart (crying).'
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy
        who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.  So, before you
        start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who
        doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm kind of guy who gets all
        uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are,
        CLEAR?"
......
Kryten: 'Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective.  I like that!  That sounds like
        the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting
        corners and bucking authority, and if those penpushers up at City Hall
        don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this
        middle digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like pigs on a
        honeymoon!"
Rimmer: 'On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is
        in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly
        macho name.'
......
Kryten: 'Bullet. Cybernautics.'
Cop:    'That's traffic control.'
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: 'Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the
        the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of
        corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife
        will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. Has to take up
        petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance. Before he
        knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun. Somehow it
        goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble
        hat. All he can do is hide. But where? And then it hits him: with
        his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer game and wait
        until the heat is off. And so ends the Ballard of Billy 'Granny-
        Killer' Doyle.'
Lister: '(To Rimmer) It's yours.'
Rimmer: 'What?!'
Lister: 'It's yours.... Bill.'
Rimmer: 'No.'
Lister: 'Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.'
Rimmer: 'William Doyle. 'William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a
        hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old
        money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back
        to me now.'
Lister: 'What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubted good
        breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male
        yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.'
Rimmer: 'Well isn't it obvious?'
Kryten: 'No it isn't.'
Rimmer: 'OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.'
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
'This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a
mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam human
wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak latrine. And now my best flashing
mac is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you with the
gun.' - Rimmer
#alt.tv.red-dwarf
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
'Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this
newsgroup?'

==============================================================================
REMEMBER - submissions/corrections/comments to ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz,
NOT to the newsgroup.
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf