HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 12:20:06 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "Hotel California" revisited
From: barr@pop.psu.edu (David Barr)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original

This is original, written in light of the AT&T-BSDI lawsuit, and the
recent trend with Sun towards System V and away from Good Ol' BSD.

-------------------------------------------------------
    "Berkeley California"

(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)

 In a dark dim machine room
 Cool A/C in my hair
 Warm smell of silicon
 Rising up through the air
 Up ahead in the distance
 I saw a Solarian(tm) light
 My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
 I had to halt(8) for the night
 The backup spun in the tape drive
 I heard a terminal bell
 And I was thinking to myself
 This could be BSD or USL
 Then they started a lawsuit
 And they showed me the way
 There were salesmen down the corridor
 I thought I heard them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely place
 Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
 Any time of year
 Any time of year (backgrounded)
 You can find one here
 You can find one here

 Their code was definately twisted
 But they've got the stock market trends
 They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
 That they call friends
 How they dance in the courtroom
 See BSDI sweat
 Some sue to remember
 Some sue to forget
 So I called up Kernighan
 Please bring me ctime(3)
 He said
 We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
 And still those functions are calling from far away
 Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
 Just to hear them say

 Welcome to Berkeley California
 Such a lovely Place
 Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
 Such a lovely trace(1)
 They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
 What a nice surprise
 What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
 Bring your alibies

 Windows NT a dreaming
 Pink OS on ice
 And they said
 We are all just prisoners here
 Of a marketing device
 And in the judges's chambers
 They gathered for the feast
 They diff(1)'d the source code listings
 But they can't kill -9 the beast
 Last thing I remember
 I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
 I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
 sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
 We are programmed to recv(2)
 You can swap out any time you like
 But you can never leave(1)

 [ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]

Written by David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
and Ken Hornstein <kenh@physci.psu.edu>
and a little help from Greg Nagy <nagy@cs.psu.edu>

and thanks to the lyrics archive at cs.uwp.edu


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From: michael.feeley@satalink.com (Michael Feeley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Election Day Tale
Keywords: topical, smirk, true
Date: 21 Nov 92 08:20:03 GMT
Organization: Datamax/Satalink Connection * Ivyland, PA (215) 443-9434


    
      A tale from my first experience as a poll worker last
      Tuesday:
      
      
          On Election Day the sash cord broke on one of the voting
      machines in the precinct where I was working as a poll
      worker.  The curtain couldn't be closed to permit a secret
      ballot.  The Judge of Elections took the machine out of
      service and sent for a techinician who arrived an hour later
      and spent about 10 minutes working on the machine.  As he
      came out of the polling station another poll worker asked:
      "Well, is the machine fixed?"
      
          The technician replied as he hurried on to his next
      assignment:  "Now, now, we don't like to use the 'F-word' on
      Election Day.  The word is 'repaired'."
  
                                  
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Date: Fri, 20 Nov 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Kitchen Wisdom Publishing Company, Portland, Oregon USA
From: herbw@wiskit.rain.com (Herb Weiner)
Subject: Sincerely (Really!)
Keywords: smirk

The following was found in a box of computer paper in the mid 70's.
It is printed on pastel pink paper, approximately 3.5 x 6 inches,
with pin-feed holes on both sides.  It is neatly printed in black
ink, except for the company name, which is blue, and the signature,
which appears to be from a rubber stamp:

MOORE BUSINESS FORMS, INC.
HONESDALE PENNA.

We have taken all precautions to print, assemble and
package your business forms to your specifications.

Each of us, who worked on your order, is aware that
your business forms are our business and your satisfaction
is our guarantee of continued success.

We aim to serve you continuously with a quality product.

                     Sincerely, 2043
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Date: Sat, 21 Nov 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca (Bruce Schuck -- bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca)
Subject: We'll cut the British from British Columbia ....
Keywords: smirk


A few weeks ago, Pete McMartin , a columnist for the Vancouver Sun ,
wrote that the province of British Columbia should change its name
because B.C. is no longer very British.


One of his readers wrote back saying he would gladly cut the British
off of British Columbia if Pete McMartin would volunteer to cut his
'Peter' off.

  
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Date: Sun, 22 Nov 92 19:30:01 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: University of Maryland University College
From: jon@socrates.umd.edu (Jonathan Kruger)
Subject: Humorous experience in prison
Keywords: smirk, sexual

My wife was one of the dozens of protestors arrested at this year's
annual Labor Day pigeon shoot in Hegins, Pennsylvania for running on
to the killing fields to attempt to free some of the pigeons.

As the female prisoners were led through the local prison to be strip
searched, one of the male prisoners was observed holding up a sign: 

              "Show me your tits if you love animals!"

-- 
Jonathan Kruger        jon@socrates.umd.edu         UNIX & VMS Systems Staff


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Date: Tue, 17 Nov 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: smorris@tweedledee.ucsb.edu (Stephen Morris)
Subject: Anthropologists 
Keywords: smirk, original

Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the  
natives.  They go to two adjacent islands and set to work.  A few  
months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to  
see how his colleague is doing.  When he gets there, he finds the  
other anthropologist standing among a group of natives.  "Greetings!  
How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist. "Wonderful!" says  
the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local  
language!  Watch!".  He points at a palm tree and says "what is  
that?".  The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!".  He then points  
at a rock and says "and that?".  The natives again intone  
"Umbalo-gong!".  "You see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They  
use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!".  "That is truly  
amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other  
island, the same word means 'index finger'!". 


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Date: Mon, 23 Nov 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Occidental College, Los Angeles, CA  90041
From: t_pascal@oxy.edu (Clarence Regis Wilson)
Subject: Semi-original laws of secure computing
Keywords: maybe, original, computers


Here are The Three Laws of Secure Computing (TLSC)

1) Don't buy a computer

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

And, finally,

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.



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Date: Fri, 20 Nov 92 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ginsberg@cs.stanford.edu (Matthew L. Ginsberg)
Subject: world knowledge of high school students, true
Keywords: topical, smirk, true


Heard on the news this morning:

A suvery was taken of high school students recently, asking them to
explain what "Chernobyl" is.

Over half explained that it is Cher's full name.

						Matt Ginsberg

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Date: Sat, 21 Nov 92 12:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: zoss@cory.berkeley.edu (Dave Zoss)
Subject: Intel's new French Abortion Pill
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, computers, sexual


Much ado about the RU-486 abortion pill and whether the Food and Drug
Administration should approve its sale in the U.S...

So few people know about the RU-486SX, which has been crippled so that it
will not terminate pregnancies in the left fallopian tube.  Users desiring
this functionality should consider upgrading to the RU-487.

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Date: Sun, 22 Nov 92 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ceppi@sundae4.dab.ge.com
Subject: Ross's Roots
Keywords: topical, smirk

I heard this joke on the radio:

The Replubican party, on an effort to dig up more dirt on Ross Perot, went
back to his highschool yearbook where they saw his picture and it read on the
bottom "Actual Size".


Rick.







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Date: Sun, 15 Nov 92 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: gainer@procase.com (Mike Gainer)
Subject: Cold call sales humor
Keywords: smirk

[ Told as true by Larry ]

Larry recieves a call from XYZ Aluminum Siding company, acts very
interested, keeps sales-type on the phone for quite a while.  Finally,
he agrees to let them come out and give him a free estimate.  XYZ 
salesman was kinda irate once he'd located Larry's home... in the
mobile home park.
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Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 4:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: stokes@unix1.cs.umass.edu (Dave Stokes)
Subject: Russian Roulette
Keywords: smirk


On an out-of-order vending machine in the lobby of the building in which I
work, there was this sign, written in black magic marker on a piece of white
lined paper:

				STOP!
			will give you no money
			and no change!!


Below this, someone had added in blue ball-point:


			Sounds like the "new" Russia!


| Dave Stokes  TA/Animator, CKC              
| stokes@unix1.cs.umass.edu                 
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Date: Mon, 23 Nov 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: KSTE@vm.cc.purdue.edu ( Kerry Stephenson)
Subject: insurance
Keywords: smirk

Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:

The other day my house caught fire.  The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't
be a problem.  What kind of coverage do you have?"  I said, "Fire and
theft."

Insurance agent frowned.  "Uh oh.  Wrong kind.  Should be fire OR theft."

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if
the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
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Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au
Subject: Driving test
Keywords: smirk, sexual

Attributed to Dickie Knee, a character voice of John Blackman, a
Voice-Over man on a Saturday night comedy show here in Oz.


My sister just failed her driving test for the fifth time in a row.
She can't get the hang of being *upright* in a car.

--
Joe Voros
Department of Physics, Monash University, Clayton, VIC, 3168, Australia.
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Date: Sat, 21 Nov 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: The Business Card (BBS), Lawrence, MA - Data: 508-682-5329
From: starry@buscard.fidonet.org (Doreen Masgula)
Subject: The Funeral
Keywords: smirk, dogs

    Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession
    going down Main St. Watching for awhile, he observed that
    the cortege consisted entirely of men and that it was led
    by a man holding a Doberman pincher on a leash. WHen his
    curiosity got the better of him, he walked up to the man at
    the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in
    your time of grief," said Hank politely, "but I've never
    seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me
    who it's for."
 
    It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening
    the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman
    here killed her."
 
    "Gee,..that's terrible," commiserated Hank. "But,...hmmmm...
    is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
 
    The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder
    and answered, "Get in line."


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Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
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Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.flame.spelling
From: cochran@spam.rtp.dg.com (A. Jing Hippy)
Subject: Re: haha #3
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 92 14:43:52 GMT
Distribution: rec
Organization: A Suffusion of Yellow

In article <JIM.92Nov18201551@fuji.eng.yale.edu>, jim@fuji.eng.yale.edu (James J. Szinger) writes:
|> In article <1992Nov17.4202.6284@dosgate> "mike clemens"
|> <mike.clemens@canrem.com> writes:
|> > boyfriend went to Harvard and that he liked to make love with his sweater on.
|> 
|> You misspelled 'hahvahd'.  It's lower case and has no R's.

Reminds me of the hahvahd football cheer:

"Hahvahd, hahvahd,
 h-a-ah, v-a-ah.......d.
 Run swiftly through that line, fellows.
 Yell loud enough to be heard,
 but not loud enough to be considered obscene."

+--------------------------------------------------+
|Dave Cochran, Data General Corporation, RTP, NC   |
|cochran@dg-rtp.dg.com                             |
+--------------------------------------------------+
|"With just enough of learning to misquote."       |
|                                   --Lord Byron   |
+--------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jeffj@ultra.com (Jeff Johnson)
Subject: Re: Green Golf Ball Joke
Reply-To: jeffj@ultra.com
Organization: Ultra Network Technologies
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 06:08:55 GMT

In article 22226@ucsu.Colorado.EDU, hunsberg@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (Bryan Hunsberger) writes:
=>O.k.  I think I understand what is going on here.  If there
=>is no fucking Green Golf Ball Joke, I'm really going to get 
=>pissed.  So tell it to me!  Please please please please please
=>please please please please please please please please please
=>please please please please please please please please please
=>PLEASE don't make me beg!
=>
=>Thank you.
=>
=>Bryan.


Well, I tried to post it, but apparently it was cancelled (damn Pnews daemon!).
---
    Jeff Johnson    | Ultra Network Technologies | voice: (408) 922-0100 x284
  jeffj@ultra.com   |     101 Daggett Drive      |   fax: (408) 433-9287
...ames!ultra!jeffj |    San Jose, CA  95134     |   sex: (900) 976-4825
 The difference between ignorance and apathy?  I don't know and I don't care

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rsc@hao.ucar.edu (Bob Campbell)
Subject: Ed and Ted
Reply-To: rsc@hao.ucar.edu (Bob Campbell)
Organization: High Altitude Observatory/NCAR, Boulder CO
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 22:23:43 GMT

Once upon a time, there were two thorough-bred race horses, sired by the same
stag.  One was named Ted, the other was Ed.  Ted and Ed grew up on the same
farm, training for the races.  Soon, they were the best in the business.  
Except Ted always came in first, and Ed always came in second.  Ed could never
quite match his brothers speed.  He trained harder and was more determined,
but still Ted came out ahead.  
After years of racing and sweeping the Cups at the Kentucky Derby and Saratoga
Springs, they were allowed to retire.  They frolicked in the fields and woods
and grassy hills of the farm.  
One day Ted became tired of the frolicking.  He wanted to race again.
"Hey Ed!" he said, "lets have a race."
"Ok, Ted.  Where shall we race?"
"Across the feild, over the fence, through the woods, to the top of that hill,
back through the woods, over the fence, and back across the field."
"Ok, Go!"
And Ted was off.  Ed was right behind, but the distance between them greatened.
Ed finally caught up to Ted and the end of the race, panting and heaving.
"Ha.  I'll get you next time!" wheezed Ed.
So Ed began training again, working even harder than he had during his racing 
years, for that one chance to just once, just once, beat Ted.
Finally, Ed decided the day had come. 
"Ted!  Lets race.  And this time, I'm going to beat you." said Ed
"Ok, go!" said Ted, and was off, hurtling across the field, and over the fence.
He looked back at the end of the woods, and Ed was far behind.  Ted came to the
top of the hill and was about turn around when he saw a dog sitting there,
looking at him.
Ted stopped when the dog spoke, "Ted, can't you let Ed win just once.  Just this
once.  He's worked so hard, he's been so determined.  Won't you allow him to
win just one?"  Ted stared at the dog.
Not a second later Ed pulled up and stopped.
Ted turned to Ed, "Look Ed, a talking dog."
-- 
#######################################################################
# Bob Campbell                 #  "Crayons can take you where no      #
# rcampbell@cudnvr.denver.     #   Starship can go."                  #
#           colorado.edu       #                    -Guinan           #
# rsc@hao.ucar.edu             #                     STTNG            # 
#######################################################################
DISCLAIMER: "My views are not necessarily those of my employer."
From: mmt8401@hertz.njit.edu ( Mohit Thawani )
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ggbj
Date: 23 Nov 92 18:17:09 GMT
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J.
Originator: mmt8401@hertz.njit.edu


 I DO HAVE THE GREEN GOLF BALL JOKE, BUT I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN

LOOKING AT SO MANY PEOPLE BECOME REALLY DESPERATE FOR THIS 


I *WILL* POST THE JOKE AT A LATER DATE, MAYBE A DAY OR TWO BEFORE MY
ACCOUNT EXPIRES SO THE SYSOP DOESN'T KILL ME...TILL THEN
I WILL JUST SIT BACK, RELAX AND WATCH THE FLAMES.....



:)
-M
From: peter@NeoSoft.com (Peter da Silva)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Help with XMS mailer on my Game-Boy?
Date: 18 Nov 92 03:52:39 GMT
Article-I.D.: NeoSoft.Bxw83y.HLr
Organization: NeoSoft Communications Services -- (713) 684-5900

In article <941@dsbc.icl.co.uk> mr@dsbc.icl.co.uk (KID01) writes:
> In article <BxrEK3.J4x@NeoSoft.com> peter@NeoSoft.com (Peter da Silva) writes:
> >I was also running a nice little multiuser CP/M system in Forth. You kids are
> >spoiled: you can go out an pick up 386BSD for free. In my day we had to write
> >all our software by ourselves. And it was snowing.

> Ha, you think thats a good, I've got something useful to run on an AMIGA !

Phhht. I'll bet you wrote it in AMOS.
-- 
Peter da Silva.  <peter@sugar.neosoft.com>.
 `-_-'   "Megvlelted mar ma a farkasodat ?"
  'U`    "Zure otsoa besarkatu al duzu gaur?"
Das kann nicht mein Zimmer sein, denn ich atme kein Ammoniak.
From: 00bwanderson@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Help with XMS mailer on my Game-Boy?
Date: 17 Nov 92 22:59:43 GMT
Organization: Ball State University, Muncie, In - Univ. Computing Svc's

In article <1992Nov12.132937.49894@ccvax.ucd.ie>, scifi@ccvax.ucd.ie writes:
> Guess What!!.
> 	I've just managed to get Windows to run on a 50MHZ 486 with less than a 
> 10 minute wait to get in to word for windows II.

Right!  Pull the other one!

-- 
.sig?  We don' need no steenkin' .sig!

Bruce Anderson: A tradition of Chaos and Disorder since 1967
spock@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (unix)	00bwanderson@bsu-ucs.uucp (VAX)
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!  BSU disclaims me, and I disclaim them.
From: EC0AAEF@MUSIC.TCS.TULANE.EDU (EC0AAEF)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Lawsuits You Wouldn't Believe
Date: 23 Nov 92 17:30:17 GMT
Organization: Your MUSIC System
Nntp-Posting-Host-[nntpd-4364]: music.tcs.tulane.edu

I want to preface this with the disclaimer that I don'thave
a sufficiently well developed imagination to have made this up|
(Actually Lewis Grizzard also covered this in a recent column)

About a year ago in New Orleans, a man met a woman at a bar.  One
thing led to another, and the couple ended up at the woman's house.

The man has since filed a lawsuit against the woman - to wit

While engaging in sexual relations, the defendant caused the plaintiff
to change his position relative to both her and the bed several times,
causing him to become disoriented.  As a result of this he fell out of
the bed.

Plainiff further claims that the bed frame on said bed was incorrectly
assembled so that the frame of the bed projected out past the mattress.
Plaintiff hit this projection causing a broke femur.  As such, he has
sued seeking damages and pain and suffering.

The woman has filed a reply in which she claims that the man was far
too intoxicated to have had romantic intentions, and that she was
actually sleeping on the couch in the other room at the time when the
plaintiffs thrashing about caused him to fall out of bed.

I will be happy to post the entire claim/counter claim to anyone
who doesn't believe that this really occured.  I will, however, in the
interest of the woman remove her name as well as the docket number.

BTW  Need I add that the plaintiff is a lawyer?

JUSTICE IS BLIND (AND INCREASINGLY DUMB)