From: shampton@jarthur.claremont.edu (Scott M Hampton)
Subject: The Europe of the Mind
Organization: Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA 91711
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 17:12:22 GMT

Peeve: Europe. 

Not Europe as it is, an exciting but hygenically backward tourist trap, but
Europe as Americans want it to be. For reasons entirely beyond my
comprehension, the idea of Europe has an evil grip on the American
imagination. Is this a sort of creeping cultural insecurity, from the nation
that invented the modern era (important cultural stuff like Tampax ad's, the
Cheerleaders Hall of Fame [Tulsa OK], soft asswipe on a roll, Twinkies, soap
opera, and large calibre handguns), or is it an insidious attempt by the
forces of evil to bring our mighty (remember them bombs) nation to it's
knees...

In person, most Europeans seem to be reasonably nice, if remarkably naive.
These are the people with a memory so short that only a couple of decades
after burning the entire continent to the ground they got bored and did it
again! We, of course, fixed it twice, which is why they still hate us.
European political discourse usually takes the form of poorly built bombs in
restaurants full of mothers and children. These device invariably suck,
cuasing little damage and only afew deaths and disfigurements. Any American
high school student can make a better bomb in less than half an hour and
still have time to smoke some crack before math class.

Europeans are remarkably smug about the number of languages they speak. Many
of these languages are only native to small parts of Europe.  Portugese, for
example, is spoken only by a backward group of mostly harmless coastal types
in an area about the size of the greater LA basin, but without significant
redeeming cultural interest. (Portugals sole claim to fame is holding the
world record in Free Form Colonial Barbarity for two centuries running.)
These languages are all very similar, given so many centuries of inbreeding
and continuous war.

Hygeinically, Europeans are a fascinating study. From a distance, or upwind,
anyway. The disregard shown for the unique aromas associated with a total
lack of elementary oral detoxification is uniquely associated with the
perverse inablility to converse at any distance less than 10 inches (that's
about 25 centimeters for you metricals). Even at six inches of extreme
conversational distress, the volume of air that is moved is unique. The idea
of tonal modulation to convey stresses has not yet penetrated the European
communicative psyche.

All this aside, Europeans are constantly being held up as models for
America. Regardless of the topic, some whining intellectual fuckwit will
invariably bring up the Swedish Model or the Danish Method or the French
Experience. Sadly, the Swedish Model isn't 24-36-24. I had a French
Experience once, and while her oral technique was mind altering, I could
only get close when I had a head cold. 

Case by case:

England: The food is abysmal. They still have Royalty in England, which they
keep around for laughs, because even the pederasts they call politicains
there can feel morally superior to the Royal Family.

Germany/Austria: There used to be two Germany, now there is one. This has
led to an immediate surge in the kind of behavior that made Germany/Austria
so popular twice before in this century. Germany is famous around the world
for it's cars, which are either two damn small or cost only slightly less
than a long range strategic bomber - if the bomber has the performance
package and Pirelli's.

Scandinavia (the whole lot of it): They do some amazing things to dead fish
up there. Recently, the Nobel committee gave the Peace Prize to a woman who
brags about throwing acid in peoples faces and shooting those who disagree
with her. This committee is from the far North, and the effect of the climate
on the mental capacity of the locals must be taken into account.

France: Paris is a cesspool, it makes Berkeley CA look like the garden of
Eden. Large chunks of the counryside are dedicated to a sort of rustic and
scenic attempt at farming that consists of not growing anything because it
interferes with protesting the governments reluctance to keep subsidizing
weeds. They do make wine in France, but who cares. The beer is horrid,
lacking the flavor and richness that distinguishes fine US brews like BEER
and Meisterbrau. Two centuries ago the French started a revolution by
freeing all the prisoners in an empty prison, and they still haven't gotten
around to creating a stable provisional government while they work out a
Constituition.

Spain: Runner up in the Colonial Barbarity contest. Spain is a very touristy
sort of place to go, because the Spanish have not yet lost their sense of
humor. They still like to play with animals, for instance. Bullfighting is
proof that no matter how tedious a spectacle is, if something dies slowly in
the process you can pack a stadium.

Italy: World Pasta Capital, for which they deserve thermonuclear death right
off the get-go. Italy still holds true to one of the greatest concepts of
the old Roman Empire - if you kill enough people your problems are solved.
Witness the method of discussion of the mafia problem. In Italy is a little
chunk of land called Vatican City. The Catholic Chuch has a dork in a pointy
hat who lives there and represents God, a concept that many superstitious
people still find comforting. The pointy hat guy is thus remarkably
powerful. Note that the Chuch spent many centuries taking all the good stuff
in Europe for it's own, and much of it is still in the basement of the
Vatican. 

Holland and the other little places: Post card kind of places. Soon to be
flooded by an American led conspiracy to drive our wastefully oversized cars
a lot, releasing greenhouse gasses and raising world temperature and thus
the ocean level.

There's a whole bunch more, but fuck 'em. Having these places held out as
models for what OUR fine nation should look like is annoying, downright
repulsive. I really want to give up the last remaining vestiges of my
liberty so I can be treated like a moron by pampered technocratic marxists.
Nothing could possibly make me happier than nationalizing health care and
railroads and airlines and telephones and shipping. Nothing could be so
richly rewarding, so personally enriching, so incomprehensibly wonderful as
to have laws telling me when I can and can't hang my laundry out to dry.
What a relief to have so many of my difficult decisions solved for me. 

We've way too much of that shit here already.

And I refuse to give up my daily shower.

-- 

Scott M. Hampton             Woulffe            shampton@jarthur.claremont.edu