From: taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu (Allen D. Taylor)
Subject: Tools for dealing with asar/life
Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 15:43:58 GMT


I've been a combination reader/lurker of asar almost since its founding. 
Before I went none anon I had a 2 digit anon number.  I also lurk in
alt.recovery and subscribe and post to MTS.  I am an adult survivor of
childhood sexual abuse, a recovering alcoholic, overeater, compulsive
gambler and compulsive debtor.  I am 46 years old and a male.  I have two
daughters, 12 and 15.  I am divorced and about to be remarried.  I was in
therapy but am, by my choice, no longer.

That in a nut shell is my bona fide for the comments to follow.  I would
add that the comments are from my reality and how I choose to live my
life.  Your reality may differ.  The fact of your reality being different
is irrelevant to my life.  That does not mean I am not interested in your
reality or that I cannot learn something from your reality.  It is an
expression of my approach to the differing realities that I meet when I
meet newly acquainted survivors.

Now to what I want to say.

The whole Relkie/Prisoner thing, not to them but to me, was an unfortunate
incident that I happened to witness.  It nearly upset my serenity, but I
wouldn't let it.  My heart aches for Relkie and I both sympathize and
empathize with her situation.  I feel great sorrow for Prisoner.  He, like
I once was, is very confused and hurting.  That is all I intend to say
about that incident.

What upset my serenity more is the vitupretive diatribe I've witnessed
among the witnesses of the Relkie/Prisoner incidents. (By referring to it
as an 'incident' I am not minimizing it's impact on Relkie or Prisoner,
but trying to put it in perspective within my own reality.) A lot of
people have stated a lot of opinions concerning not only the incident, but
other peoples opinions of the incident. 

One of the most important tools I learned in therapy was to separate  what
directly affected my reality from what did not affect my reality.  The
Relkie/Prisoner incident had *absolutely no* affect on my reality.  It did
affect how I felt about asar, Prisoner, Relkie, Sally, Don, ... etc.  But
those are feelings.  It had no effect on whether I ate, had shelter over
my head, drank, and so forth.

Another very important tool that I learned to use was to not use 'you'
sentences but to use 'I' sentences.  By way of example:  some one wrote in
to say that "Relkie is manipulative."  I cannot make such a statement
because I cannot read Relkies mind to determine what her motives where
when she wrote what sounded like manipulation to that person.  What *I*
said was "I feel manipulated by Relkie's posting."  What's the difference
you might be asking?  1) I do not know if Relkie was being manipulative or
not.  2)  If she was or not, there is nothing I can do to change her
behavior.  3)  My perception is the only reality I have,  I can look at
what was written and ask myself _why_ I feel manipulated.  I can then make
an intelligent and rational reaction within my own reality.  A reaction
that I alone am responsible for.  4)  Even if Relkie was intending to
manipulate me and I choose to react in the way Relkie wanted me to, THAT
IS MY CHOICE, not Relkies.

All of this starts, for me, by saying "I feel ..." rather that "She is ..."

Relkie, Prisoner, Don, Bear, and everyone else on asar whose names I can't
at the moment remember, I hope this doesn't come across as picking on
anyone.  I too, am a survivor, this is one of the tools I have learned to
use to help me deal with the world in a rational manner.  If it is of some
help to you, then use it.  If it is not relevent to your reality, then so
be it. 


Peace, Love and serenity to all.

--Allen

==============================================================================
Allen D. Taylor       University of Washington   taylor@cac.washington.edu
Information Systems   Seattle, Washington  USA   Human 1st - World Citizen 2nd
==============================================================================



Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery