From: molmos@atlas.nafb.trw.com
Newsgroups: alt.fan.howard-stern
Subject: Dennis Miller phone call
Date: 8 Apr 92 19:27:20 PST


 Someone requested this last week. I tried to summarize as well
 as I could with the limited time I had. The call was repeated
 on Best of Stern on Tuesday. 
 - Mark O.

 Summary of Dennis Miller phone call:

 (Note: Not all quotes may be exact, but the gist is there.)

  Dennis Miller called Howard and talked to him and Gilbert Gottried
(who was in the studio) for about 45 minutes on April 1, 1992.
The interview was very interesting and made for good radio.
I did feel a little sorry for DM because Howard made it seem that
Dennis had to come crawling back after struggling in the ratings
without Howard's support. 

  It sounded like Dennis did not want to talk about the past, but Howard 
wanted to bring up why Dennis had not called in 4 or 5 years.  
Dennis joked that he like to put in time between his appearances.
Howard reminded Dennis that he had been upset when Howard had interviewed
him in LA and had asked questions about his first wife.  Dennis was very
sensitive about these questions and asked Howard to cut them out of the
show (which Howard did).  However, Dennis did not want to confront Howard
again because he was afraid Howard would again bring up the questions
about his ex-wife (since, in Dennis' words, "Howard is the most un-filtered
guy in the media").
   Howard told Dennis that since he now has to interview people, that he
now knows how hard it is to ask people interesting questions and Dennis
admitted that he had probably offended Al Gore by asking if he or his
wife rolled a tighter joint.
  Howard said it was silly of Dennis to have gotten angry and Dennis denied
that he had been angry. Dennis said that he had heard from so many people
how much Howard loathed him that he figured "this guy hates my guts,
so I won't bother with him." Howard said that he always thought Dennis was
funny and he never attacked him professionally, only personally.
He said his "out" list is not a fun place to be. Howard then said,
"Chevy sucks doesn't he?," but Dennis wouldn't admit this and
said he even liked Chevy's latest movie. 
Howard told Dennis "Come on Dennis, hate with me." 
  Howard tried to get Dennis to admit that Kevin Nealon of SNL wears a hair
piece, but Dennis did not admit to knowing. Howard and Gilbert then went
off on various bald jokes about Kevin. Dennis admitted to liking the chaos
on Howard's show when he used to come on and Howard said he was saddened
when Dennis gave up on him. Howard said he was suprised Dennis took 
on a talk show because he thought Dennis was too hip to kiss ass.
  Dennis turned the tables a bit by asking Howard about himself.  He asked 
Howard why he wants to be in show business so badly if he hates Hollywood.
He mentioned how he saw Howard on Letterman ranting about Imus. Howard
defended his actions by stating how Imus had stolen his bits and tried
to pass them off as his own. Dennis said, "It sounds like old time show
business feuding to me", but Howard said "That's history."
Howard said, "You've never innovated anything like I have. I'm the
Alexander Graham Bell of radio." Dennis responded, "I understand I haven't
been on the cutting edge like you" and Howard said, "I didn't say you
are not on the cutting edge."
  Dennis speculated that Howard's fans are so loyal because they get so
little unfiltered entertainment.  He compared Howard to Howard Beal(sp?)
from Network.
 Howard mentioned that he is doing Letterman on the 10th and Dennis
said, "So you win, Dave didn't have Imus on" and Howard very loudly said
"That's right, I win again! Ha Ha Ha!"
 Howard talked about his film deal that is in the works but that he 
couldn't provide any details. 
 Howard said that he told Robin that Dennis would come back on the
show as soon as he heard about Dennis's show.  Robin said
she thought it was an April Fools joke when she heard Dennis was calling in.
Dennis said, "It was time to lay down the gloves."
Howard said, "You know what it is."
Dennis said that he waited 3 months though, but Robin responded that was
because he tried to make it without them.
Dennis asked why Howard decided to take the call from him but Howard said
he never had a problem with him.
Howard again brought up that Dennis was too sensitive about him bringing
up his first wife and then made some cracks about them contacting Dennis's
ex-wife and having her on dial-a-date.
Howard commented that Dennis is now happily married and is on a hit talk show.
Dennis said the show is not a hit but that he is proud of it.
Howard responded that he thinks Dennis is doing fine and Robin said is was o.k.
Howard said the problem was that he is on Ch 11 and went on to talk
about the problems with the Channels 5, 9 and 11.
Dennis said he heard that Howard's show beats SNL in the ratings and Howard
responded by saying "Yes, but look at the filth I have to put on to get
ratings.  My show is debauchery." He then went on to describe his
tribute to the breast show that he will have on during sweeps and
predicted that it would get a 30 share.
Dennis asked if he felt he has made a deal with the devil by doing this to 
get ratings and Howard said no and that he is pleased by the ratings.
He said he is able to slip the art in with the sleaze.
He said "Ratings are god ...  When I went into the business
I wasn't going to do a show knowing I had three people watching
and it was the best show on TV.  I don't care about the critics.
I don't care if people think I'm hip. I don't care if people
think I'm dirty. I don't care if people think I'm a moron.
I give people what they want.
 ...Art is on line in the unemployment office."
 Howard then went on to ask about Andy Summers and why he left the show.
Both agreed that Summers was too big a star to be the band leader and
Dennis said he holds no animosity towards him. Dennis speculated that
perhaps the the same thing could happen to Jay Leno, but Howard and
Robin agreed that Brandford Marsalis(sp?) is different because he is a Jazz
musician.  Howard mentioned that he is going on the Tonight Show
as soon as Carson retires and Dennis seemed suprised to learn that
Howard is on friendly terms with Jay Leno.  Howard responded by saying
that he is friends with all the major comedians, including Jay, Letterman,
and Jerry Seinfeld.
  Dennis mentioned that he was talking from his bedroom, so Howard
naturally asked to speak to his wife, Aly. She said "Hi", but did not
want to talk anymore because she said she was scared.
Dennis asked Gilbert if him or the girl hosting Up All Night gets 
higher ratings and Howard responded that she does after Gilbert claimed
to not know.
  Howard went on to suggest to Dennis to hire a sidekick with big
breast in order to get higher ratings. (On Dennis's show that night,
Dennis mentioned this suggestion and showed his sidekick wearing large
fake breasts under his shirt).
  Howard mentioned Belzer's wife and how beautiful she is and how she
has starred in hard R rated films. Howard said he remembers Dennis's
wife is beautiful and asked if she was still modeling.  Dennis said
she is retired and that they have a 22 month old baby named Holden.
Howard made a comment about "hold'n my groin" and asked why he named
his son that since kids will make fun of him.  Howard said he gave
his daughters normal names, Deborah and Emily.
Dennis asked if Howard had been treated badly as a child and was this
the root of his whole rant thing.  Howard went on to give his usual
story of growing up in a black neighborhood and having a painful 
childhood. Dennis commented that now this is Howards catharsis, to
make people feel equally ill-at-ease.
* Dennis again mentioned that he used to have a good time on Howard's
show but that he thought someone's feelings would be hurt since Howard
is so unfiltered. Howard and Robin reiterated that they had cut
that part of the interview from the show. Dennis said he didn't know
that they did that.
Howard brought up Dennis's new wife again and said that he loved her.
Gilbert asked,"What are you wearing" and she responded via Dennis
"An anti-Gilbert flak jacket."
  Dennis said hi to Jackie and Howard started getting on Jackie's case
when he responded in a friendly manner.
  Dennis mentioned that a lot of people over the past few years would
ask about the rift between them and Howard said it was stupid.
Dennis said he couldn't figure Howard out and Howard said he always liked
him.  Dennis asked "Then what is the weirdness between us all about?"
Howard said, "The problem is with you.  You're too hip for the room."
Howard suggested that Dennis should be less uptight and should loosen up.
  Howard asked Dennis to name someone in the business that he didn't like
and Dennis mentioned Elliot Gould. Howard accepted this answer but added,
"But he can't hurt you."
Howard then asked Dennis to plug the TV show.  Dennis asked Howard to
appear on his show if he wants to when he comes to LA.  Howard said
he will appear if Letterman approves because Letterman once got very
upset when Howard went on some smaller talk show that aired opposing
Late Night in New York. Dennis said that Letterman had said on the air
that he would do Dennis's show sometime, but he understood Howard's
reservations. Dennis plugged his show on Ch. 11 in NY and thought Howard
was on the same station.  Howard said, "No, I'm on Ch. 9, but they sucks
too."  Howard said his lead-in is a 2.5 and he takes it to a 25 share with
a 10 or 11 rating. Dennis asked, "Do you really think it comes down to 
the foxy boxing and all that?"  Howard responded affimatively and said
he has proven that he gets no ratings with flat chested girls.
Dennis said, "At least you got your teeth down on the bone."
Howard again encouraged Dennis to promote his show but Dennis wanted
to make it clear it was not really his intention for calling.
Dennis did not know what stations he was on in Philly, D.C. and
Baltimore - Howard was willing to promote them all. (Dennis wore
a cap with his Philly station logo (57) on his Thursday night program to
make up for this gaff.)  Dennis did mention that he was on in LA at
11:30 on Ch. 5 and that his does well on that station.
  Howard told Dennis not to be angry and bitter.  Dennis said, "We just
bumped up against each other for a while."  
Dennis brought up Howard's feud with
Sam Kinison, but Howard brushed it off as "a little falling out" and
said they were tight now and that he would do anything for Sam.
Dennis said "Well Howard, you slap us all around and we all come back
because you are the King." (This did not sound like a sarcastic statement)
Howard said "I knew you would be back, but I didn't think it would be
this long and I want you to kiss that wife of yours for me."
Dennis said, "I will say this about you, you are certainly the most
unfiltered son-of-a-bitch in American media. You should get kudos 
for that."
Howard replied, "When you have a guest on your TV show as unfiltered
as me the ratings go up." He went on to say that when he is on Letterman's
and Joan Rivers's shows, their ratings triple.
Howard said that people in Hollywood are phonies and aren't used to
someone telling the truth and saying how they really feel.
Dennis said, "But wouldn't you want to be out here."
Howard stated that Fox offered him the job to replace Joan Rivers after
she failed but he turned it down because he knew it would fail.
He then mentioned going on Arsenio's show a month later and getting
thrown out of the building for mentioning that Fox killed Edgar Rosenberg.
Howard said, "I am my own man. Michael Ovitz can kiss my big black fat ass.
And all the rest of the sniveling morons...
Unless the have a film for me, then I'll suck...
The same thing with the film deal.  The reason the film companies are
meeting with me next week is because they know my film will not fail.
It will have big breasted women, there will be lesbian scenes.
It's going to be something else."
Dennis's son walked into the bedroom. Howard asked to speak to him.
Dennis said, "It's Uncle Howie."
Howard invited Dennis to come to his house and that their kids could
play together.
His son wouldn't talk at first, so while Howard was trying to speak to
him, Gilbert commented, "Holden, what are you wearing?"
Dennis laughed and repeated the statement to his wife.
Howard joked, "Gilbert has got a lot of emotional problems."
Gilbert got out of control from this point on and chaos ensued.

Gilbert: Holden, how big are your testicles?
(laughs)
Howard:  Gilbert's like, Holden can you send me a polaroid of yourself.
Dennis: Ohhh
Gilbert: Holden, put your hand inside your diaper and rub.
(laughs)
Howard: Gilbert's a little pervert.
Robin:  What a sicko.
Howard:  I hope you never have Gilbert on your show.
Robin:  He's too unfiltered.
Dennis:  Holden, if I can pass any lesson on to you as a son it's
         to avoid Gilbert Gottfried.
Howard:  Holden gets more women than Gilbert.
Gilbert:  Holden, I want you to unpin your diaper. ok.
          (laughs) Just reach around and slowly unpin.
Howard:  Alright, come on Gilbert (trying to get him to stop).
         Stop revealing your true self.
Robin:  He sounds too familiar with this territory.
        (Can hear Dennis laughing)
Gilbert:  Slap some baby powder on.
Howard:  (changing the subject) Well Dennis we're here to help you.
         Feel free to call in anytime or come visit us.
         We'll help you with your TV show and get the word out.
Dennis:  I won't abuse the privilege Howard.

Dennis went on to invite Howard on his show again when he is in LA.
Howard said he will come to LA as soon as he is No. 1 there.
Dennis said someone told him Howard is already No. 1. 
Howard said not yet but he is about a point away and is going
to take Mark and Brian down.

Howard: Ratings, man. Remember, ratings that's the key.
        They love you when you got the ratings.
        Go for it Dennis, get into it with a vengeance.

Holden starts to talk in the background so Howard wants to talk to him.

Howard:  Gilbert, you be quiet.
Gilbert: No.
Aly: Say good morning Howard.
 
Howard thinks he is talking to Holden but realizes it is Aly.
Holden then says something to Howard about a spider.

Gilbert:  Keep talking. (laughs) Talk slowly, Holden.
Howard:  Gilbert, shut up.

Dennis: You know what he just said to me. His first words were
        he wanted me to put a Peace bond (?) on Gilbert.
(laughs)
Howard: I'll right Dennis, I'll let you go.
Dennis: Bye, bye. Take care.
Howard:  Good luck with your new show. Everyone should watch it right
         here in NY on Ch. 11 at Midnight tonight.
Dennis: Well, thank you for having me on Howard.
        I'll be funnier next time. I was scared shitless this time.       
        (the 7 second delay took this last line out).
Howard: Woah! Don't be scared.
Dennis: Are you on a seven second thing?
Robin: Yes. Thank goodness.
Howard: Alright, I'll see ya.
Gilbert: Could you put Holden back on. (laughs)
Howard:  Alright Dennis, we'll see ya.
Dennis: Bye-bye.

The call ends here.

Howard: We always liked Dennis Miller.
Robin: He's scared? What is there to be scared of?
       My goodness are you that frightening? Certainly not.
Howard: His wife is so adorable.
Gilbert: What did you think of that kid though?

The show continued with Howard making comments about Dennis's wife
and Gilbert continued to bring Holden up throughout the rest of the show
including comments about how he wishes he was hold'n Holden.

Gilbert was really outrageous. He also talked about having sex with
oatmeal and hot laundry.