From: ciaran@county.lmt.mn.org (Ciaran Benson)
Subject: New pagans, reading, and coming out
Reply-To: ciaran@county.lmt.mn.org (Ciaran Benson)
Organization: LaserMaster Technologies, Minneapolis, MN
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 92 00:23:03 GMT

In article <1992Sep9.164039.1090@csus.edu>, altheimm@nextnet.csus.edu (Murray 
Altheim) writes:
[... stuff deleted because I'm already blushing too much ...]
> and while it's maybe a little
> hard for me label an electronic penpal, since we've not met, I'd like 
> very much to consider you among my friends. I value very much our 
> correspondence, and always look forward to reading your next posting.

  This is a public forum, and now I feel myself looking over
my electronic sholder to make sure the folks at the next board
aren't listening, and then blushing because I'm doing something
silly, then looking again anyway ...

  I hadn't responded to your private letter for so long because I was
frightened by some things I realized about myself when I read
your words.  I'm still frightened even though most of those
things are nearly resolved in myself.

  I'm frightened, too, Murray, that when I answer the question you
didn't ask that you'll think less of me or that our relationship
(such as it is) will change.

  My discovery of alt.pagan happened at the same time that I
just started trusting my "writer's voice" and began to have some
clue as to what that is, and as I dove into my first book which
was what I _NEEDED_ to write, not what I hoped people would
read.

  And you've all accepted that voice, even though I sometimes
say irresponsible and foolish things, and even though I almost
never come from a documented source but seem to spew out of
my unconscious as fast as I can write it.

  It feels to me like a much more honest way to live.

  Like following the Red Road.

  It never occured to me that something as impersonal as a
computer network could elicit such feeling, such love, such
trust as this.  We are minds touching through a blind screen,
and what I feel out there is very, very beautiful.

  And respectful, too.  I thought that I would never understand
anything that bill nelson was saying, but I caught a glimpse
which quite literally shocked me.  When I turned to look again,
the newsreader here had wiped the board to save space, but I
think what he mainly said was that no matter how much we may
disagree, we respect each other, and learn from the differing
views.

  Sometimes I say things that seem to me later to be nothing
but unrestrained rage, and I'm sorry to have subjected you all to
it, like coming home and yelling at my partner because someone
cut me off on the highway.

  I have to stop now, because I think what I need to say to 
Murray is better said through the mail.  And, anyway, I don't want
anyone to think that I _DON'T_ think I deserve to get flamed for
some of the stuff I've said.

  But this has helped me more than I can say, that you, people
whom I've never met but through writing, can hear my voice and
appreciate it gives me the energy I was lacking to go home
and write.  And, for once, to write the book I _WANT_ and _NEED_
to write, instead of something intended to placate others.

  Blessed be, Ciaran.

  $uslinit; include oblig.sig <<
  "...And here, Queen Aphrodite, pour heavenly nectar into gold
   cups, and fill them gracefully with sudden joy."  -- Sappho >>