From: Marina.Salume@Corp.Sun.COM (Marina Salume)
Newsgroups: alt.sewing
Subject: Re: giving handmade gifts
Date: 14 Sep 92 20:58:22 GMT

This has been a great discussion, and I've learned a lot from it.
I think the best advice I have gotten out of it is to ask if the intended
recipient would like a particular item before making it. I am the type who
prizes surprise gifts above all else, and it has taken me awhile to realize
that not everyone else feels the same way. So of course, I never wanted to
ask about any gift, it would ruin the best part--the surprise! Now I know
better--to anyone with very strong tastes, surprise is probably a bad idea.
Or at least a very risky one :-)

>Which would you prefer--that I hang your cross-stitch picture in my
>laundry room (to refer back to a previous poster's complaint) or that
>I send it to the thrift store?  Would you like it better if I donated
>it to the hospital to hang in one of the rooms?  What about putting it
>in a closet and never getting it out again?  Passing it on to a friend
>who really likes it?  Throwing it out?  Why? 

It might depend on the gift. If it's a wearable item that's my size, or
that my kids could wear, sure I'd like it back! If I made it with your 
name stitched on the bottom of the sampler, and now that it's in a very
expensive frame I can't rip out your name very easily, there aren't quite so 
many choices. Somehow I doubt the hospital will want it either. I think
I'd prefer to know the item was being used by someone who would enjoy it,
rather than begin hidden in the closet forever. Maybe it would even mean
you'd have to go to a little trouble to find someone you could pass it
along to, rather than just tossing it in with the other junk for the
Goodwill. But if you wish to preserve my friendship, I would expect at
least an attempt to find a good home for the item. And a follow-up report
on how much it is appreciated in it's "new home".

One point I'd like to make, before you reject a handmade gift because it
doesn't fit your decorating scheme (but is still lovely). I still regret 
the hand knitted sweaters my mom made for me
when I was a kid. At some point in my ruthless early teens, I told her to
throw them out, and she did! Now I wish I had them, I'm sure they were
charming, it's just that "handmade" wasn't "in" back then. (she tells me
that the other mothers and my teachers called me the "little French girl"
when I wore these sweaters, I guess I looked very chic (for the tacky
1950's). My daughter could be wearing them now :-(

What I'm trying to say is that your tastes CAN change. A handmade gift can't
be easily replaced or reproduced. So when you reject it, you will probably
never get another chance to own one like it ever again. At least, not one
made with love by someone you know. It's sentimental but that's really why
we give handmade items rather than buying something at the store. So how 
did a sentimental person like me end up with a friend who likes totally
impersonal gifts? It is a struggle for both of us to adapt, I'm sure!

*I must object to this.  Some of us are born shoppers.  For some of us, the
*thrill of scouring the shops to find the perfect item for someone we love, is
*what the spirit of giving is all about.

Hey, I love to shop as much as any of you! But can the "perfect item" ever
be something as impersonal as bubble bath? Especially when I suspect she
got it at Price Club on one of her bimonthly shopping binges? I am the only
"best friend" she has, and I'd be a lot happier if I thought she made
a special trip to a store she doesn't ordinarily shop in, at least. I just
 hate those gifts that seem to be purchased in bulk so the giver can
"cross off" a large portion of their gift list. I guess I'm as picky 
about storebought gifts as some people seem to be about handmade :-)

* But that is the ONLY handmade item I have ever given him,
*because, in general, he DOES NOT LIKE handmade items.  He can recognize the
*work that has gone into a piece, but that doesn't mean he wants it around him!

My husband is the same way (sigh). And I don't inflict homemade things on 
him, since he has made it clear. It's easier with spouses tho, you can ask
for a list of goodies they want and then choose something from the list it
will make you happy to give ("sorry, honey, I just couldn't bring myself to
put an electric generator under the Christmas tree" :-)

*At first, this attitude hurt my feelings.  Not only can I not give him
*these things, but he does not value my grandmother's quilts which I have

Maybe you need to show him the high prices antique quilts are going for these
days. A little education may be all he needs. And make sure you leave a will
saying where those quilts should go, in case he ends up with them!

% So it's hanging in my laundry room,
%because the only other rooms are the bathroom and kitchen and I don't
%think it's good for needlework to hang in either of those rooms.
%When I do the laundry I look at it and think of my grandmother,
%and I think she'd feel honored, actually.

That reminds me, I went to visit a quilter's home, and she proudly pointed
out to me that a poster of one of my quilts was hanging in the laundry room!
However, so were lots of other quilt posters--that was her special way of
decorating her laundry room. I was quite pleased, after she made it clear
that this was her "special" place for her favorite posters. It's not the
exact place the item is displayed, it's the reason it is there.

#I'm working on some way to tell her not to make any more -- or better yet 
#to hint that I would like to provide the yarn and pattern (its not really 
#a surprise that she is going to make one every year.)  But my Grandmother 
#is kind of hard to tell that sort of thing.  I'm afraid she will take offense.
#(My plan is to send her some of the yarn that I have tucked in my closet
#and complain that I don't have time to knit it (which is true).)

My mom loves to knit things for me, but also likes to use cheap yarn. She
also does a lousy job of blocking, etc. So finally I suggested that I choose
the yarn and pattern, she knits the pieces, and then I put them together. This
collaboration makes us both happy. Your idea of how to explain where the yarn
comes from should work perfectly, your grandmother is probably the thrifty
type that will enjoy putting that "extra" yarn to good use (and maybe after she
sees how much nicer it is to work with, she'll buy it for other projects, too).
A wonderfully tactful solution, and you'll get some heirloom quality sweaters
out of it! (you could even tell her she can make whatever she wants out of it,
so it won't look like you *expect* her to give you another sweater).

--marina
Newsgroups: alt.sewing