From: regan1016@bestsd.sdsu.edu (T. ELIZABETH HARVEY)
Subject: Re: expectations
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1  
Organization: San Diego State University - Dept. of Redundancy Dept.
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 20:34:00 GMT

Judi the Dryad lays it on the line:

[*Personal situation deleted for bandwidth*]

>The point I'm trying to make is this: because the world has changed
>soooooooo much since our parents were getting married and raising
>families, have we "emotionally burdened" ourselves with expectations
>about love and relationships based on a paradigm that might not apply
>to our culture/lifestyles any longer?  If you take a look at what the
>"norm" was when folks my age (35 years) and older or a few years younger
>were growing up, you'd find mothers who stayed at home outnumbering
>the moms who worked by a very large margin, even including professional
>women with careers.  Now how many women stay home with their children
>and don't work today?  And more importantly... how many who have the
>choice to stay home if they can afford it do so anyway?  Some recent
>statistics indicate most women would still work to keep their careers
>(as well as their brains) alive, even if they could financially swing
>being a full-time mother.  This cannot be overlooked.  Women are now
>playing a different role in society than they have in the past.  Very
>few women are willing to change their lives or relocate or reduce their
>focus on their careers in order to have a relationship with someone.
>I'm a prime example.  I've worked too hard and too long to give up
>what I have now to travel to the other side of the planet for "true
>love."  I wouldn't expect him to give up his career goals and come back
>to the states for me, and he wouldn't expect me to do the same.  So
>the end result of this is... the relationship automatically defaults to
>only going so far.  And this isn't an uncommon thing these days.
>Women have learned through the years that even if they don't care about
>having a professional career, they know that there are no guarantees
>that they will be provided for by their mates for the rest of their
>lives.  So they/we have learned to take care of ourselves first.  And
>now discrimination for potential mates becomes more strict.  We aren't
>willing to "give up" as much and as quickly as in the past.  We don`t
>go to college to find husbands anymore.  So when true love comes
>knockin' at the door... is it any wonder that we aren't so quick to
>let him in?  Especially if it means having to give up parts of our
>lives in order to be with him? 

You have said it all ... all I can do is agree.
When I (age 22) came along, I *desparately* wanted my stay-at-home mother 
to go and get a job, so that she would be more like my friends's mothers. 
*smile*
Personally, I would be willing to sacrifice some if I thought I found the 
right guy to share my life with (In fact, I did find him, and we discussed 
what we would have to be willing to do to have a future together ... 
unfortunately, that was not to be the case).  There's very little intrinsic 
in PoliSci that I *must* do in LA (although it's a great place to do it 
in): teach/write/report/shake a finger at politicians and say 'You evil 
person! Go crawl back under your rock ;).
But there is also something about our situation, Judi, that neither of our 
mothers had to deal with: having the technology and access to 'meet' people 
and get to know them, even though they are 100s/1000s of miles away.  Was 
it possible then?  Yes.  Probably?  No way.
If romantic options seem more limited, they are also much more expanded 
than before ...

>Whew!  What all of that was leading to was this:  I'm beginning to see
>within myself some kind of conditioning taking place.  I catch myself
>lamenting to friends about "not finding anyone to be with" and on and
>on.  What I'm beginning to realize is that love *is* there in my life,
>I don't live in a vaccuum, and if I were willing to drastically change
>my life as my mother did and her mother and so on, then I would be
>with someone today, and would have been years ago.  But because I do
>not wish to make the sacrifices that women made years prior (and they
>did make them, even though we don't see that readily because they had
>fewer options to begin with for how to live their lives), the selection
>of men to choose from for potential mates becomes drastically smaller.
>*If* I'm willing to change my goals, etc, to be with someone, then I
>know someday in the near future, I'll be with someone.  Otherwise, I
>have to wait for someone who's in my "backyard" so to speak, and who
>wants to be going down the same path.  And with such diversity and
>mobility these days in professions, certain geographical locations for
>certain types of jobs (i.e., Silicon Valley)... it shouldn't surprise
>us that we can't play the love connection game with the same rules that
>our parents played with.  The rules for living overall have changed...
>but we expect the rules for loving to be the same.  I don't think we
>can do that anymore.  The planet's changing too rapidly for that.  And
>in order to stay sane, I think the wise individual in search of romance
>has to change as well.
You are right, but once again, let me point out that your options have 
expanded as well as shrunk.  Before, you only had 'the backyard' ... and 
personally, I value not only the one romantic opportunity I had via the 
net, I value the friendships (some quite close) that I would have not have 
had the opportunity to make not-so-long ago.  And if the rules of romance 
have changed due to this, fine.  Considering AIDS/STDs, the increasing rate 
of divorce, the *harsh* nature of the world, the rules are in flux, anyway.

>What are the solutions/answers to this?  I don't know... that's why I'm
>still single.  The only thing I've been able to do to help keep my
>sanity regarding this issue is to keep constantly reminding myself that
>I'm not my mother and my life is different.  I choose to be independent
>and do for myself first, and to live where I choose to live.  I'm teaching
>myself to expect more from myself regarding self-love, and to fully
>enjoy and appreciate my friends and folks like y'all here on ARC to
>help "fill that void" that my childhood conditioning has taught me to
>expect, i.e., Prince Charming, Devoted Husband, et al. who has yet to
>waltz into my life.  I remind myself when I see friends or co-workers
>who are married or living long-term with someone that my life isn't any
>less wonderful because I don't have someone to share it with every day
>under the same roof.  I gently remind myself that I'm working on the
>life that I know does make me happy, and if I want that "special someone"
>to be living with me more so, then something else has to give.  I do
>believe that expecting to "have it all" these days is expecting too
>much, and that finding a relationship like my sister or Julie and Steve
>have is like winning the lottery.  If I'm lucky and I find it, then life
>is that much sweeter.  But if I don't, then I'll be happy and content
>with what I've worked so hard for to give to Judi.  And if I don't do
>this, then I should give up my life to the nearest Forest Lawn plot right
>away.
[*discreet ovation*]
You're not alone, Judi.  Good luck to you.

[*more ovation*]

---<--<-{@ | "I believe that before all else, I am a reasonable human being,
Elizabeth  | just as you are -- or, at all events, that I must try and 
	   | become one." _A Doll's House_, Henrik Ibsen
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat