HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: jdare@math.rutgers.edu (James Dare)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: funny signs
Date: 28 Aug 92 00:03:05 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.


I encounter the following sign a lot on the interstates in areas
of road construction, especially in Pennsylvania:

                           EMERGENCY 
                           PULL-OFF
                           1/4 MILE

Gee, if your *that* frustrated or horny, maybe you hadn't ought to
be behind the wheel of a car.  



This next one is down the block from where my father works.

                       ______
                      /      \
                      | STOP |
                      \      /
                       ------
                         ||
                         ||
                       ------
                       | 15 |
                       | mph|
                       ------
                         ||
                         ||
                         ||
                         ||



|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| James A. Dare          | Hammered a screwdriver into my ear, to my brain.   |
| E-mail:                | I'm watchin' my life swirl down the drain          |
| jdare@math.rutgers.edu | And I'm feelin' about as Abel as Cain              |
| Snail-mail:            | But I guess that that's the price of fame          |
| P.O. Box 4104          | When you're destined to live on a STREET OF SHAME! |
| Highland Park, NJ      |                        --Foetus                    |
|            08904-4104  ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|                        | I saw an x-ray of a girl passing gas!              |
|                        |                        --Butthole Surfers          |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.|
|	   		-- Vice President Dan Quayle                          |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 08:24:02 EDT
From: <HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Call for Football Jokes...
 <1992Sep4.023805.531@nmsu.edu>

In article <1992Sep4.023805.531@nmsu.edu>, dward@scf.nmsu.edu (Dan Ward) says:
>
>john whetzel (whetzel@grok82) wrote:
>: 11mwarner@gallua.gallaudet.edu writes:
>: :
>: :
>: : Can anyone please E-mail me any football jokes they may have?
>
>   Q:  How can you tell who won the superbowl?
>   A:  Read the morning paper

Q:  Yeah, but how can a football player find out who won the superbowl?
A:  Ask someone who *can* read the paper.


Hans C. Masing | HCM100@PSUVM.psu.edu  | Penn State University MIS Dept |

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."  - Jack Handey
From: baylor@force.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: American joke (Re: Polack joke ?)
Date: 28 Aug 92 18:53:39 GMT
Reply-To: baylor@force.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com
Organization: LMSC, Sunnyvale, California

In article <johnson-270892150846@158.184.3.170>, johnson@ssvax1.ssd.loral.com (Christopher Johnson) writes:

>I remember many years ago MAD magazine ran "American Jokes told in Poland".
>
>Does anyone have this avaliable?
>
>The only joke I remember is:
>
>Q: How do you know when it's midnight at an american airport?
>
>A: The 3:00 flight is leaving.
>
 The last joke in the article was

 a:  What do 1492 and 1776 have in common?
 b:  They are adjoining rooms in the Warsaw Hilton.
 a:  Wait a minute, isn't that a Polish Joke?
 b:  It would be, but who do you think OWNS the Warsaw Hilton?

[Quote is approximate]
From: webdw@cbnews.cb.att.com (bruce.d.woods)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Campaign Song
Date: 26 Aug 92 19:07:08 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: AT&T

The official campaign song of the Clinton campaign is
Reba McEntire's "Little Rock"  (lyrics are apropo)
Xref: sparky rec.humor:27052 comp.graphics:9168 alt.graphics:333 talk.politics.animals:7433
From: csp48@seq1.keele.ac.uk (J.W. Kirriemuir)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,comp.graphics,alt.graphics,talk.politics.animals
Subject: Help! ASCII picture needed...
Date: 26 Aug 92 18:10:03 GMT
Organization: University of Keele, England

I am looking, on behalf of a friend, for any ASCII pictures of bears.
These can be teddy bears, panda bears, polar bears, Paddington bears,
bare bears, even Care Bears!

If you have any bear piccies, then please can you send them to me; if
you indicate so, I will send you a list of compiled bear piccies if one
builds up (I currently have no idea how many ASCII bear piccies there
are in existance)

Thanks in advance,
John Kirriemuir (on behalf of Jayne B.)

E-mail to :  csp48@uk.ac.keele.seq1
(or)	     csp48@seq1.keele.ac.uk
(depending on system)
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Date: 1 Sep 92 19:08:38 GMT
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada

In article <1314@netxcom.netx.com> jwc@netxcom.netx.com (Jeff Comer) writes:
>In article <1992Aug21.163522.17650@CS.ORST.EDU> pricec@prism.CS.ORST.EDU (price carl wayne) writes:
>>What ethnic group will be doing the cleaning?
>What ethnic food will do the feeding?
What polytechnic folks will boo the reading?

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Genealogiste officiel : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Un Quebec renouvele dans une Amerique renovee
\_.-===                                                  Opinions ? Et pis non !
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Ethinc vs. anti-ethnic jokes
From: hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III)
Date: 26 Aug 92 10:22:52 PDT
Distribution: world
Organization: M&E (Division of EDS), Cypress CA

In article <1992Aug25.075507.8619@uniwa.uwa.edu.au>, matthew@maths.uwa.oz.au (Matthew Blasikiewicz) writes:
|> [I am posting this article for W.Holsztynski. MB]
|> 
|> 
|> 
|> 
|> 	Ethnic versus generic anti-ethnic jokes
|> 	---------------------------------------
|> 
|> In relation to the recent postings by R.D.Calaora and G.Hamlin III I'd
|> like to dwell on ethnic jokes and to ask these two, hm, net authors
|> some q's:
|> 
|> |> In article <adxm+3j.rdc@netcom.com> rdc@netcom.com
|> |> Raphine D. Calaora) writes:
|> |> >
|> |> >KNOW ANY GOOD POLACK JOKES???
|> |> >PLEASE POST 'EM!!!
|> |> >
|> |> >I'M NEW TO THE NET.  IT'S GREAT!!!
|> 
|> In order to satisfy your request could you tell us R.D.Calaora what are
|
|> 
|> I know quite a few of such jokes but our new R.D.Calaora and old Griff
|> Hamlin III seem to be satisfied with the samples chosen by themselves,
|> as above.  Ethnic jokes, like sharp knives, are for a mature audience
|> (not for children and enthusiastic shitheads -- small "s" this time,
|> and still no offense).
|> 
|> :-)
|> 
|> 	Wlodzimierz Holsztynski

If you like the jokes better with some other ethnic group or "shithead", then
retell them to others with that "name" in place of polack. I don't really 
care. But please give up on trying to moralize the rest of us. I would wager
that no one is purposely posting Polish (or any other ethnic group) jokes
to offend someone. These jokes are a common form of humor and whether you
like it or not that's just the way it is. I would not argue the point that
a joke that is not an ethnic slander is often funnier than slanderous types of
jokes. I would, however, argue the point that slanderous jokes do not belong
on the net. At least 75% of all jokes I read that I think are funny (and yes,
I do realize that what I think is funny may be unusual) are ragging on 
someone (or some ethnic group).

All of you can e-mail me or flame or whatever you like, but this is ridiculous
and I won't post further on the matter.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Subject: Bushisms
Originator: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com
Reply-To: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Organization: TRW Space & Defense
Distribution: usa
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 00:58:23 GMT

I recently picked up a little humor paperback entitled "Bushisms"
($4.95).  I suspect that when you are President, every publicly uttered
word is recorded and dissected.  Presidents like Bush and Eisenhower who
have trouble keeping their brain and mouth in sync can make for humorous
reading.  For example (p 32),

    "It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or
    another."  -- at a campaign rally in Troy, Ohio, speculating to
    local voters that Ohio's twenty-three electoral college votes might
    be the 'swing votes' that could determine the entire election.
    10/21/88

This book is not side splitting, but it's certainly funnier than most of
rec.humor :-)
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
From: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Baylor Joke
Date: 31 Aug 92 17:05:49 GMT
Reply-To: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Organization: Schlumberger/Anadrill Sugar Land, TX

A Longhorn, Baylor Bear, and an Aggie were stranded on a deserted island for
several months when a bottle washed up on shore.  When they opened the bottle
a genie appeared.  He was so glad to be released he would grant each man a
wish.  The Longhorn wished he was back in Austin with his girl.  Poof! and he
was gone.  Then the Baylor Bear wished he was back in Waco in his favorite
restaurant eating a fabulous meal.  Poof! and he was gone.  Then it was the
Aggie's turn.  He said "I don't know where to go, I wish my two friends were
back to help me decide!" 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec)
Subject: Re: Need Dan Quayle jokes...
Originator: anton@gagme
Organization: Gagme Public Access UNIX, Chicago, Illinois.
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 03:08:48 GMT

"Let us see George Bush re-elected this November.
And then we'll talk about 1994."

Dan Quayle, asked whether he will seek the presidency
in the next election, which will be in 1996
(Newsweek, Aug. 31)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: root@cc.mcgill.ca (Steeve)
Subject: The only joke I can ever remember :-@
Organization: McGill University
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 18:56:33 GMT

What's the difference between a woman and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: bakowskr@wm-mercer.ca (Ron Bakowski)
Subject: Re: Jokes from Kindergarten
Organization: William M. Mercer Limited, Toronto, Canada
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 13:24:27 GMT
Organazation: Some Consulting Firm in Toronto

What's pink and wrinkled and walks on rocks?


... a pink-wrinkled-rock-walker!
From: david@c-cat.UUCP (dave)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: answering machine message
Date: 31 Aug 92 00:24:02 GMT
Organization: Intergalactic Rest Area For Weary Travellers

paul@legoland.Eng.Sun.COM (Paul Pantera) writes:

>   "Hello.  This is [name]s refrigerator.  The answering machine is
>   on vacation.  But if you leave me your name and number, I'll
>   stick it to myself with a magnet."
> 
I use a variation on this theme after reading through ALL those answering
machine posts.

   Hi. This is Dave's refrigerator. His answering machine can't come to
the phone right now, but if you leave a message I am sure that it will
get the message.


                                                       -David

China Cat System     
(301)604-5976 8N1
david@sandr.com
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 16:27:16 EDT
From: <HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Christian Joke
 <1992Sep2.151906.16565@lmpsbbs.comm.mot.com>

In article <1992Sep2.151906.16565@lmpsbbs.comm.mot.com>, marios@ecs.comm.mot.com
(mario smarduch) says:

[Soapbox removed]

>Why don't we crack jokes about Martin Luther's death, or John
>Kennedy's death?

If John Kennedy were alive today, what would he be doing?
Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

OK, this is cruel and disgusting, but I posted it anyway.  So there.  ;-)


| HANS C. MASING                   | A BAD ATTITUDE IS THE      |
| HCM100 @ PSUVM.PSU.EDU           | DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE     |
| MANAGEMENT INFORMATION SYSTEMS   | WAY I THINK AND THE WAY    |
| PENN STATE UNIVERSITY            | YOU THINK I SHOULD THINK.  |
From: gt7219a@prism.gatech.EDU (Christopher Michael Lawyer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Movie Name
Date: 24 Aug 92 04:25:35 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology

In article <78261@ut-emx.uucp> yaron@anchor.as.utexas.edu (Mr. Sheffer) writes:
>
>Which reminds me the super-original and ultra-funny movie called something
>like "Texas comedy massacre". In it they were talking about the usefulness
>of such chemicals to mankind. Anybody knows if this movie is available
>in video, say? (ts'bout '85-'87 vintage.)
>
>Ronny

     You wouldn't by any chance be thinking of The Kentucky Fried
Movie would you?  It is a movie done by The Zucker-Abrams-Zucker
team back in the late 70's.  The movie was basically a collection
of skits, one of them being "The wonders of zinc oxide".  This
sketch was done in the style of the old filmstrips they used to 
show in classrooms.  It had a narrator in the background saying
things like "Without zinc oxide you wouldn't have the parking brakes
of your car (crash)....the safety in your son's rifle (boom!)...
your artificial leg (falls off)..." and so on.  Does this ring
any bells.

     On a side note, another sketch from this movie, "A
Fist Full Of Yen" is funny as hell.

the manatee



Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: Mark Kovarski <kovarski@zooid.guild.org>
Subject: Re: Need Dan Quayle jokes...
Organization: ZOOiD BBS
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 18:06:42 GMT

wood@siemens.com. (Jim Wood) writes:
>joec@fid.morgan.com (Joe Collins) writes:
>
>>Subject says it all....do you have any?
>
>	Here's a Dan Quayle joke:
>
>			DAN QUAYLE
>
>	Now there's a joke!!
>
>--
>Jim Wood [jwood@siemens.siemens.com] (609) 734-3643
>"Rise up on the wings of eagles, and two step among the stars.
> You are not forgotten.  Your smile will echo forever."
>   -- Ryerson Schwark, to my friend Rob Bernardo.


Q: What does Dan Quayle think Roe vs. Wade is?
A: Means to cross the Potomic River.

From the David Letterman show:
     TOP TEN REASON TO GIVE DAN QUAYLE A RAiSE
    -------------------------------------------

10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
 9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
 8. His father threatened to make trouble.
 7. To match the salary Millie, the White House dog.
 6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an entire
    industry?
 5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at STAR TREK conventions.
 4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War.
 3. To keep the money out of the hands of underserving teachers and
    firefighters.
 2. Oh, what the hell - they're only giving him play money anyways.
 1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.

Mark K.
Internet: kovarski@zooid.guild.org
From: speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Keywords: degenerate, slimeball, grandparents, sex, duct tape 
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 92 18:50:32 EDT
Organization: Dan's Domain, Randolph, New Jersey

hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III) writes:

> In article <1992Aug16.071713.22894@gagme.chi.il.us>, anton@gagme.chi.il.us (A
> |> 
> |> In article <1992Aug10.151300.2492@mdcbbs.com> hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Ha
> |> >
> |> 
> |> Polish jokes deleted
> |> 
> |> 
> |> >Griff Hamlin III
> |> >(hamling@mdcbbs.com)
> |> 
> |> Say Griff, I didn't know lowlifes like you had dynasties.
> |> Or does "III" mean having sex with ones grandmother or grandfather?
> |> 
> |> Andrzej A. Borowiec
> |> 
> |> p.s. I'm really getting tired of you buttheads not x-posting
> |> Polish jokes to soc.culture.polish
> 
> This is really pathetic. Are you really such a tight-ass that you can't reali
> I was only posting in response to a request for Polish jokes? If you get 
> offended by such jokes, why did you read the damn post you moron?! Even I
> know to read the Subject: heading before reading the article.
> 
> 
> 


  "  Dear Sir,

     I Object to all these objections about objectionable humor.
     Several of my friends are Polish Jokes and only a few of
     are objectionable.

     P.S.

     I have never objected to an objectionable joke unless
     it was tight-assed.

     Yours,

     Mr. M. Dickenass.
     Commander of Objectionable Intelligence."

(Written with Monty Python in mind...)
From: drg@biomath.mda.uth.tmc.edu (David Gutierrez)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Woody's new trilogy
Date: 31 Aug 1992 18:22:58 GMT
Organization: Univ. Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center


I hope these haven't all been posted before. My NNTP server ages messages out
in about 15 hours, so I miss a lot of traffic.

It turns out Woody Allen's actually working on a new trilogy of movies.

1. "Honey, I Fucked the Kids"

2. "Close Encounters with the Third Grade"

3. "The Hand That Robs the Cradle"

David Gutierrez
drg@biomath.mda.uth.tmc.edu

"Only fools are positive." - Moe Howard
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: barb@ufycorp.Unify.Com (Barbara Kane)
Subject: Re: (n) that which is of topic.
Organization: /usr/lib/news/organization
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 23:09:20 GMT
Expires: 09 10 92

In article <1992Aug29.155330.14012@dmntor.UUCP> wayne@dmntor.UUCP (Wayne) writes:
>    You know, there's so much grammatical attacking 
>    going on that I'm going to puke. I'm talking 
>    huge hurling chunks too.  
                        ^
                        You forgot the comma.....;&)


Barbara Kane					              (916) 928-6380 
Unify Corporation				          Fax (916) 928-6410
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   Who is this Anonymous guy, anyway?
From: shaig@Think.COM (Shai Guday)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Date: 1 Sep 1992 20:29:14 GMT
Organization: Thinking Machines Corporation, Cambridge MA, USA
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: merlin.think.com

In article <1992Sep1.180311.202620@uctvax.uct.ac.za>, jds@uctvax.uct.ac.za writes:
|> Ed,
|> 
|> I dare you to cross post this to soc.culture.usa
|> 				    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|> Joe

Another oxymoron if I ever heard one. 8^)
From: quinby@athena.cs.uga.edu (James Quinby)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Searching for...
Date: 3 Sep 92 17:44:32 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: University of Georgia, Athens

Can someone out there E-mail me (or post, I guess) a copy of the story that
follows the Genesis-like evolution of a crock of shit to a great idea?
I've seen about five variations af it and now that I want one, I can't find any of them. Thanks...

James Quinby - quinby@athena.cs.uga.edu
Henry W. Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication
University of Georgia
Athens, Georgia

.sig  - error filed in /usr/bin/errors/usr/bin/errors/usr/bin/dev
From: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: "the rules"
Date: 31 Aug 92 20:45:09 EST
Reply-To: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information


RK>                               THE RULES

RK>1. The female always makes the       8.  The Female can change her
RK>   rules.                                mind at any given point in
RK>                                         time.
RK>2. No male can possibly know all
RK>   the rules.                        9.  The Male must never change
RK>                                         his mind without written
RK>3. The rules are subject to              consent from the Female.
RK>   change at any time without
RK>   notification.                     10. The Female has every right
RK>                                         to be angry or upset at any
RK>4. If the female suspects the            time.
RK>   male knows all the rules, she
RK>   MUST immediately change some      11. The Male must remain calm at
RK>   or all of the rules.                  all times, unless the Female
RK>                                         wants him to be angry or
RK>5. The female is never wrong.            upset.

RK>6. If the female is wrong, it is     12. The Female must under no
RK>   because of a flagrant                 circumstances let the Male
RK>   misunderstanding which was a          know whether or not she wants
RK>   direct result of something the        him to be angry or upset.
RK>   male did or said.
RK>                                     13. Any attempt to document these
RK>7. If rule 6 applies, the male           rules could result in bodily
RK>   must apologize immediately for        harm.
RK>   causing the misunderstanding.
RK>                                     14. If the Female has PMS, all
RK>                                         rules are null and void.

Rule 15.  The female must NEVER
     write down any of the Preceding
     rules.

               Frank in White Plains, NY
---
  DeLuxe 1.25 #1000  I am not dyslexic, I'm Jewish.
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host
From: chak@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Matthew William Somers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Really lame jokes needed...
Date: 2 Sep 92 17:37:45 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center


   I am going to be doing an impersonation of the unknown comic at some
time in the near future, and I need some joke.  Some bad jokes.  Some
really, really bad jokes.  Please email these to me at:
 
                                chak@mentor.purdue.edu

                                Thanks,
                                    Matt Somers
From: lipscomb@lonestar.utsa.edu (David S. Lipscomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ha 1
Date: 1 Sep 92 13:44:27 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio

This was taken from 'THE NON-VIOLENT MAD' 1972.  Written by Larry Siegel.
                       THE MAD AIR TRAVEL PRIMER.


                             CHAPTER ONE
                             THE TAKE-OFF

See the busy airport.
See the busy terminal building at the busy airport.
See the nice airplane leaving the busy terminal building.
This is a 9:00 A.M. flight.
The airplane is leaving exactly on time.
Along the ground.
For another spot on the busy airport.
Where it will wait in line to take off.
Wait, wait, wait.
You won't be in the air for an hour yet.
Aren't long, delayed take-offs fun?
They give you more time to get settled in your seat.
They give you more time to admire the airport scenery.
Newsgroups: rec.humor