From: pharvey@quack.sac.ca.us (Paul Harvey)
Subject: Re: Christian Census
Keywords: Book of SubGenius,ISBN: 0-671-63810-6
Organization: The Duck Pond public unix: +1 408 249 9630, log in as 'guest'.
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 04:16:11 GMT

In article <209ZqB2w165w@brewich.hou.tx.us> 
popec@brewich.hou.tx.us (Pope Charles) writes:
>Bolt yer doors and pull down the curtains!  Here they come.  September 
>20th a number of evangelical churches are going to hold what they call 
>"The Christian Census".  That is, on that date they intend to have a 
>massive door to door campaign designed to ask every man, woman and child 
>in America, "have you found Jesus"?  Just thot you all would like to 
>know. 
>  You hear the knock on the door.  You know it's 'them'.  You go to the 
>door, you open it and you say................................

Sometimes a book goes too far. Sometimes ... is NOW! First - there was
the Epic of Gilgamesh from Persia, then the Mahabharata from India, then
the Torah from Israel, then the New Testament, then the Koran (Qur'an),
then The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, Diurectics, I'm OK You're OK, And
now: The Book of the SubGenius or How to Prosper in the Coming Weird
Times. The book you now hold in your hands could create a new
inquisition, a self-perpetuation fascist state that will last to the end
of humanity, or it could be the foundation-stone of the promised kingdom
of peace and harmony. Which will it be? Yes, YOU can rape your own mind.
YOU can finally relax in the safety of your OWN delusions. This
epipastic for the brains of Epoptics, Beholders, and Initiates, works an
authentic gnostic magician's spell that will drive OUT the foreign
personalities and id-demons. Protected by its own occult roots in the
most extreme froms of para and mecha-psychology, it places the reader
within a "shell" of Weird Phenomena which MUST be used for good AND
evil. Its system of Mystik Correspondences' has already given SECRET
POWER to the Church of the SubGenius, (po box 140306, dallas, tx,
75214), the world's first INDUSTRIAL church, the prophesied End Times
cult of screamers and laughers, scoffers, blasphemers, mockers, sinners,
and the last true holymen in America today. KEEP THIS BOOK NEAR YOU, in
your pocket, you bathroom, your glove compartment. Study it. Memorize
it. Find within its pages a NEW DIRECTION, a NEW WAY, A HIGHER yet LOWER
REALITY, just as thousands before you have done! A self-"help" book for
sinners, creeps, junkies, morphodites, and wise men and guys who know
they wouldn't get "help" from any book even if they needed help in the
first place. With special insane bonus offer: The Prescriptures,
Prophecy of the SubGenius. Researching the Public's Fear of the Unknown
since 1953! The TriPrimality: "Bob" is. "Bob" becomes. "Bob" is not.
Nothing is; Nothing becomes; Nothing is not. Thus: Nothing is
Everything. Therefore: Everything is "Bob". Abracadabra. The Source:
JEHOVAH-1 (aka Wotan, Yahweh, RA, etc). The Teacher: J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
The Goal: Slack. The Obstacle: The conspiracy and its dupes, the
normals. The Way: The casting out of false prophets. The Weapon: Time
Control. Slogans: "Ph*uck 'em if they can't take a joke", "Too much is
always better than not enough", "Pull the wool over your own eyes",
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think!", "Give me slack, or give me
food (or kill me)", "If I can't Whup it, I'll go down", "Bleeding head
good, healed head bad", "If you act like a dumbsh*t, they'll treat you
as an equal", "Science does not remove the terror of the Gods". Prophecy
Crusade: We the SubGenius of the post-human race, in order to preserve
life on this planet from immanent destruction, reestablish intelligence,
regain Slack, cast out the False Prophets, smother forever the fear of
fear itself, receive the questionable gifts of the BeforeLife and of the
Space Dwellers, become as Overmen, unmask the Conspiracy, grip the reins
of human evolution, control reproduction and mutation, decipher the
Code, placate the Stark Fist of Removel, achieve Time Control, see That
Which Must Come to Pass, become as gods, find the Twins with the
Scissors of Sight, avert the Rupture of the Equilibrium, and secure the
fiancial blessings of Jehovah-1 the God of Wrath for ourselves and our
descendants, do hereby admit ourselves as such and thus ordain this
Advertisement of the SubGenius Race of Earth. Superior Mutants! Repent!
Quit your job! Slack off! The World Ends Tomorrow and You may DIE! Well,
no, probably not ... but whatever you do, just keep reading!. Are We
controlled by Secret Forces? Do you ever get the feeling that "free
will" is a joke? Do people think you're strange? Do you? Then you may be
on the right track! Are You abnormal? Then you are probably better than
most people! Are Alien Space Monsters bringing a Startling New World?
Yes! Your Kind shall Triumph! If you suspect that things are much worse
than you ever suspected, if the only thing you've been able to laugh at
for the last 5 years is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore, if you
sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're
more "different" then they could possible IMAGINE, if you can help us
with a donation, if you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense
of sick humor, if the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark
Ages to you, if you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion
that will condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above"
everyone else, then the Church of the SubGenius could save your sanity.
Instant answers to everything! Your secret wishes can be granted in
full, once you know what they are! "You'll PAY to know what you REALLY
think!" - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961. Now, at last6, the step-by-step
process is revealed! THIS IS IT! The only "faith" that promises ACTION
THRILLS SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!

"I used to be able to read the word of "Bob" in a few minutes in the
bathroom ... now it takes me months to read the damned thing! But do you
think that stops me! Hell no! I just stay in the bathroom longer!"
-Ken Kesey, author of Cuckoo's Nest and all around merry prankster