From: fach3@gipsy12.cs.uni-sb.de (Fritsch Lothar)
Newsgroups: de.talk.sex
Subject: Spass mit Staubsaugern (aus alt.tasteless)
Date: 8 Jan 1993 16:50:25 GMT
Organization: Computational Linguistics Dept., U Saarbruecken
NNTP-Posting-Host: gipsy12.cs.uni-sb.de
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]

Hi!
Beim Lesen von alt.tasteless fand ich ein paar Artikel betreffs haeufiger
Verletzungen der Genitalien (auch in Folge von Sex). Besonders krass fand
ich die folgenden Artikel.

Bei bedarf kann ich noch zwei weitere Artikel posten ueber die haeufigsten
Verletzungen oder Verstuemmelungen bei Maennern und Frauen (allerdings in
recht schwierigem Englisch).

Leset und Staubsaugen wird nie wieder sein wie es mal war ... ;-)

Lothar

From: case@diku.dk (Steven Snedker)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: penis [long]
Summary: penischlong is about penis injuries yes it is why did mommy die?
Keywords: key, keyhole, lock, card, cardreader, combination
Date: 7 Jan 93 16:59:24 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, U of Copenhagen

I really should have included this in the Guide Sans Gout 3, as this is one of
the best books I've got my sweaty little hands on for quite a while. I'm
talking about

                Theimuras Michael Alschibaja:

   PENISVERLETZUNGEN BEI MASTURBATION MIT STAUBSAUGERN,
(Penisinjuries caused by masturbation with vacuum cleaners!)

the paper that made TMA a "Doktor der Medizin" on the 10th of november 1978.
Published by "Urologische Klinik und Poliklinik rechts der isar der Technischen
Universitat Munchen". Available only in alt.tasteless (and some other places
too).

What follows is a short 400 line summary of the book. The translation is always
faithful to the original, but here and there I've jazzed up the languge a bit. I
also want to be faithful to alt.tasteless, and save time. To understand the
paper one need to know a bit about the nob, masturbation and vacuum cleaners.
This is what the paper tells, abridged beyond recognition:

Anatomy of the penis

Glans (head), septum (where you get your piercing), corpora cavernosa (the big
part of your penis that swells up when you tug at it and cry), corpus spongiosum
(the part that makes sure that the big swelling part doesn't block the urethra
when the thingy is throbbing away) and some lies about the penis being
cylindrical and such.

Masturbation among men

At least 92% of all men masturbate. Most use their hand (I paused at this, but
thinking more about it, it dawned on me that very few men have access to the
right power machinery). A few, but not many, insert things into their urethra
and/or bum.

Vacuum cleaners

Hefty picture of the  most naughty vacuum cleaner. Truly a vacuum cleaner that
says suck suck suck to ones imagination. It's the Kobold Vorwerk, manufactured
by Vorwerk & co., Elektro KG, Wuppertal, Germany. The standard attachment is,
though very sexy, sadly not made to accomodate the male member. But when you
take that off you've got an 11 cm (4 inch) stairway to heaven. Or rather,
cockway to the rotor. These are the technical data:

Type          Rotations          lowest pressure       max. amount of air
VK 111       14000 rot/min         400 mm H2O             18 l/sec
VK 114/115   16000 rot/min         400 mm H2O             24 l/sec
VK 116       17000 rot/min         500 mm H2O             25 l/sec

The rest of the book (50 pages) are devoted to 16 cases and their treatment (and
some very fine photos) and a chapter with statistics.
We'd better get down to it:

Case 1

 53 year, evangelic, married
 Occupation: butler

Prehistory:

 The allegedly impotent patient [let's call him Jeeves] put his penis in the
intake of a running vacuum cleaner.
 The penis was sucked into the rotor, and he started to bleed heavily.
He was brought to the hospital in an ambulance

Treatment:

He was given narcosis, and the thing that once was a penis was sculpted around a
plastic catether. Most of the funseekers in this book has had the same accident
(nob meeting with rotor), and the usual thing is to throw away the part of the
penis that'll never heal, and sculp the rest around a plastic catether, that'll
go up past the prostatic muscle into the bladder, and stay there until the
once-penis has healed. It's not possible to regrow the centimeters of urethra
that has been torn off, you just shorten the cock. In addition to this, the most
common thing is to perform a proper circumsision, as the foreskin will grow into
the glans if they're allowed to heal together.

So, the treatment is trivial, the highlights are their explanations and the
pictures.

Case 2

 73 years, evangelic, divorced
 Occupation: Carpenter

Prehistory:

  The patient was currently undergoing ortopaedic treatment because of his
iscias. He wanted to massage himself with the vacuum cleaner and suddendly his
nob was sucked into it.

 Excessive bleeding made him take a cab to the hospital.

Condition:

His glans was black, and so was the foreskin, and the skin on the penis until
the middle of the penis. Here the skin was very swollen. Deep scars marked the
the glans, and the frenum was almost torn off at the back. It bled very much
from this area.

Usual treatment. Strangely no blood in the urine in this case.


Case 3

 65 years, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: worker

Alledgely his penis ended up in the vacuum cleaner while he was massaging
himself with it, to relieve pains in the thigh.

Black glans. Deep cut in the corpora cavernosa.

Usual treatment.


Case 4

 66 years, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: graphic designer

The 66 years old patient had married when he was 30. After 26 years of marriage
he was divorced, and lived, after 7 years as single, with a 54 year old widow.
He had many and heavy sexual taboos, so he didn't give much info on his sex
life. Apart from this:

 Had his first copulation at 23. When asked about masturbation frequency, he
refused to answer. He had tried prostitutes. While he was married he and his
wife copulated once a week. With his present wife he had only had one copulation
every 1 to 3 months during the last 1.5 year.

He denied ever having read pornographic material.

He regarded masturbation as unhealthy, but couldn't tell why.

Prehistory:

 At first he told taht he had fallen and injured his penis on a glass. When he
was told that the injuries could impossibly come from that, he stopped talking.
He later told that the injuries were in fact caused by a vacuum cleaner.

Usual injuries, but this time we're treated to two fine b&w pictures: one pre-
operative and one 3 weeks postoperative.

The peeled pecker is fondled by rough doctor hands in plastic gloves, and the
glans is about half the size of what it should be, and discoloured too.

Poor man, catholic porno hater injured while masturbating with vacuum cleaner
and having his nob fondled by doctors and it's picture in books. That's what you
get for taking the word of the Lord lightly.

4 years later:

 Picture looks better, if a small dry thingy with a black spot is better. He has
trouble copulating, mostly psychological. You can't really see what's up and
down of the penis and when he comes the sperm only drips out.

Case 5

 48 years, roman-catholic, single
 Occupation: warehouseman

Prehistory:

The feeble-minded 48 year old patient was single. He had his first copulation as
36 year old. Since then he'd only copulated 3 times with a partner. He stated
that he had masturbated 6 to 8 times a week since he was a young man, now he
made do with 2 to 3 times a week. The patient was completely without inhibitions
and gladly answered questions on his sex life.

Accident:

The patient had occupied himself with erotic fantasies all evening, and had
become very aroused. Then he had thought of using the vacuum cleaner as a sort
of vagina substitute. The idea seemed very thrilling and he got the vacuum
cleaner. Just as he turned it on, his penis disappeared up the vacuum cleaner.
It made a terrible noise, and he suddendly felt a sharp pain in his nob and
blood was being whirled all over the place. When he pulled it out, his penis was
so small that he at first thought it had been amputated.

After the first shock, he called the ambulance

[something about the operation]

[Horrible picture of completely mangled and deformed nob, attached to some beer
belly and held straight out by a hand wearing plastic gloves]

4 years later the patient complained that only part of his very small nob would
fill with blood when he was turned on.

Case 6

 60 years, roman-catholic, vidower
 Occupation: postman

In a drunken haze, the patient had put his flaccid penis in the vacuum cleaner,
a Kobold. When it became turgid, it got hacked and he bleed very much. He was so
embarresed that he waited 10 hours before he went to the hospital, still
bleeding.

Actually this sounds much better in german: "Zu Hause habe der Patient in
angetrunkenem Zustand seinen nicht erigierten Penis in masturbatorischer Absicht
in den Ansaugstutzen eines Staubzaugers der Marke "Kobold" gesteckt."

Usual treatment. Went home after 10 days.

Case

 50 years, catholic, married
 Occupation: worker

Prehistory:

The patient had, since he was 13, had cerebral bleedings, which made him pass
out. Alledgedly he had aquired the penis injury under such an absence. The
nature of the injury made this sound very improbable.

The patient was depressed and nervous. As a reason for his psychological unrest
he told that his wife was dying of ovarial cancer. It took 12 hours for him to
get to treatment.

Blue glans. A big haematom (a lump of bleeding tissue under the skin). Cuts
several places on the willy. Bloody urine.

Usual treatment.


Case 8

 60 years, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: worker

Nothing flash here, the usual. The only interesting thing is that this man of
mirth was deaf-mute.


Case 9

 60 years, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: tourist guide

Prehistory:

The patient told that he had got his injuries repairing a coffee mill. But
everything points in the direction of a vacuum cleaner.

Accident:

Penis almost split in half, excessive bleeding and deep cuts.
Much skin and meat removed.
Usual treatment.


Case 10

 59 years, roman-catholic, divorced
 Occupation: mechanic

Prehistory:

The 59 years old patient was married at 28. After 10 years he was divorced, and
lived with a 51 widow for 6 years.

At 14 he had his first ejaculation. Since then he had masturbated 2 to 4 times a
week. First copulation at 22. During his marriage he gave up masturbating, but
took it up again when his wifes interest in sex palled.

He stated that he was happy with his present woman, and that they copulated once
a week.

Accident:

His woman had vacuum cleaned the apartment on the day of the accident. He was on
the bed. She had told him to undress, and had massaged his groin with the vacuum
cleaner. To intensify this, she had put the brush attachment on the Kobold [ooh,
this sounds bad]. As she touched his flaccid penis with the vacuum cleaner it
was sucked into it. He had experienced a terrible pain.

At first he had tried to take  care of the wounds himself, but when the bleeding
didn't stop after 10 hours he went to the hospital.

The preopeartive picture is not that interesting, it looks like a wiener with a
lot of ketchup on, whereas the postoperative is much funnier: it looks as if his
glans has been twisted 30 degrees.

1 year after the patient complained that he urinated on himself and that his
glans wasn't as hard as it used to be. His copulations only took half the time
now, although he couldn't feel much.


Case 11

 70 years, no religion, divorced
 Occupation: worker

The patient told that he fell from a garden table onto a chair. This is
completely impossible. It's a typical vacuum cleaner injury.

One of the nastier. He had to stay 19 days in the hospital, and pee aided by a
catether long after.

Case 12

 70 years, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: worker

As he wanted to change the vacuum cleaner attachment, his dick was sucked into
the machine. He waited 12 hours before he got to the hospital.

Usual treatment, but as a little extra, the tip of his nob died and had to be
cut off. After that he spent 40 days at the hospital. Getting better?


Case 13

 46 year, roman-catholic, married
 Occupation: insurance salesman

The patient told that he had cleaned his car with a vacuum cleaner that didn't
belong to him. He accidentally pushed the start button, and his nob was sucked
out of his swimming trunks. He had a very wounded penis and everything was
bloody.

The swelling part of the penis swelled up with blood and had to be burst under
full anestaethics. Cystomy. Balloon catether etc etc.

Had the catether taken out after 14 days.


Case 14

 31 years, married
 Occupation: welder

Prehistory:

The 31 year old patient had been married for 2 years. He had been brought up by
very strict parents. They never spoke about sexuall things at home. Nobody had
told him anything. [I think perhaps Mr. Kobold explained it all...]

Masturbated for the first time when he was 14, and had done this 2 times a week
since then.

His wife had been brought up by very strict catholic parents. She never wanted
to have sex with him.

Accident/Moral of the story:

His wife had been away for 2 weeks and was scheduled to come home the next day.
As he was vacuum cleaning the apartment he came across a Vogue and had an
erection. In his fantasy he associated "Saugen" (sucking) with "Staubsaugen"
(vacuum cleaning). So he put his half-erect penis in the vacuum cleaner, being
carefull to pull his foreskin back. And...*TJOK* *TJOK* a horrible sound was
heard and was crippled by the pain. When he pulled out it was a half erect
penis.

The picture, 1 year postoperative, shows half a penis, with some ugly scar
tissue at the end. One of the most exciting pics. It's so disgusting you want to
cook your sausages too long and lick them all over while you loo kat this
picture.


Case 15

 59 year, evangelic, married
 Occupation: worker

Standard case. Lost 2 cm of cock and urethra.


Case 16

 34 year, roman-catholic, single
 Occupation: worker

Accident:

Tried to fuck Mr. Kobold while drunk.
AND HALF THE NOB ENDED UP IN MR. KOBOLDs STOMACH.

The pictures are horrifying. Terrible. It's half a nob with a sort of straw in
the middle. And he has shaved his genitals. Made me look at the world in a
different way. Not much of a different way, but still different.


Case diku.dk

The worst. Spilling over with regret and crying because his nob wasn't the
required 11 centimeters, he spent hours translating this fine work on the
cyberpunk thing of a man jacking into a machine and getting physical changes not
dreamt of when our grandparents lived.

My Miele vacuum cleaner is, though german, unable to hack anything off. Being a
curious kinda guy, I dressed up for the occasion (that is undressed) and had a
rendez-vous with the machine. My willy is too small for the hose, and
because it's so bent I could only scrape it against one side of the hose and
that wasn't very good. Then I took the hose off, hoping that I then could stick
my willy in the rotor. So, adjusting it to 1000 W I thrust it inside.
 But nothing happened apart from me getting dust all over the nob.  The only
sexual use of my vacuum cleaner is to mount it, and place my bottom over the
exhaust hole.  Lots of warm air is then tickling my sphincter while I jack off
yelling "Hi ho Silver!" and ride around the living room. This is especially
fine when I haven't wiped my bottom very well, as the airstream quickly dries
the fecal matter in the long black anal hairs and they fall off just for me to
eat or stick to my face when I want to play the freckled Pippi Longstocking and
play with children. But I still want a Kobold.

         Happy hosing
         -Steven

P.S.: A Kind Soul will soon post the gifs to alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless
Hop it hasn't been too boring, but I felt that this philological approach to the
translation was the correct one.

Newsgroups: de.talk.sex