From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: pain...
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 92 20:58:18 GMT

In article <keotzv600UhW88FmpG@andrew.cmu.edu> ah2j+@andrew.cmu.edu (Alexander L. Hawkinson) writes:
>Dear everyone out in netland,
>
>    Help!  I am a student here at Carnegie Mellon University, and as the
>world here goes on in it's mundane and business-like manner, mine seems
>to be crashing down around me.  I have been with one person for the
>better part of two wonderful years.  

>When she returned to college this year she found that one of her
>teen-years, "mystical" romances had enrolled at her school.  She started
>seeing him, and in a matter of two weeks decided that she needs to
>continue to do so until she feels that things are "solved" between them.
>

    You are in a tough situation, but it sounds like you are taking it
pretty well. I assume you want her back. If not, the only thing to do
is start getting used to the idea that you are going to put her behind
you. Don't be discouraged, though. Lots of relationships go through 
problems like this and still work out well in the long run. It is 
a good sign that she wants you as her 'security blanket'. If she
comes back to you, it will be because she needs you, not because
you need her or she owes it to you.

    It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. And she
will try to have it both ways if you let her. You need to convince her
that she can't. You don't want to be petty or vindictive, because that
will only lower her opinion of you. You want to continue to be friendly
with her.  You plan to wait for her, which is fine. But I would suggest
that you don't communicate that to her. You want her to feel that if
she wants you, she will have to work for you. And that if she doesn't
keep after you, she could lose you. You need to make her feel insecure
about losing you.

    I don't know what you have said to her, but I think I would tell
her that if she is going to be seeing this other guy, that you are
going to be seeing other women. If she thinks this is unfair, you can
get a little angry and tell her that she can't expect you to do
something that she won't do herself. Go out and have fun, and let her
know (without being pointed about it) that you are having a good time.
Don't give away the details, her imagination will make better details
than you could hope to.

    Make it clear that she can't count on you, under the circumstances.
Make a point to be unavailable now and then.

    Don't show any jealousy or remorse over her seeing this other guy.
You want her to think that you are a great guy, and you have great 
plans for you and your SO. And if she doesn't want to be your SO,
you can always find another.  Of course, you want to be magnanimous
in taking her back, but you want to make it clear that you will only
do so on your terms.

    I know this all sounds a bit cruel and manipulative, but by now
you should feel that she is better off with you. You should be able
to convince yourself that this is in the best interest of the both
of you. Otherwise, this is not the right plan for you.

    

Good Luck,
Michael.



Organization: Engineering Design Research Center, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA