From: swongta@csws13.ic.sunysb.edu ()
Subject: *** MISCELLANEOUS ***
Originator: swongta@csws13.ic.sunysb.edu
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 12:56:56 GMT

The following is all I have collected from rec.humor and various other
sources over the course of my college career.

Enjoy!


WARNING:
=======

Some material may be considered obscene and offensive. Reader
discretion is advised.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: WANTED: light-bulb jokes

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb??
None, it's a hardware problem.


Subject: Coup Leader's Handbook

The scene:  Moscow.  The time: mid-August.  A group of high-level
officials meet in a smoke-filled room.

YANEYEV:  	Gentlemen, is agreed that we must throw out Gorbachev.
	 	But how?

KRYUCHKOV:	Is no problem, comrade.  I have instruction manual!
		Is "KGB Guide to Overthrowing Soviet Government,
		Revised Edition, 1963. 'Available fine bookstores
		everwhere. 50 rubles.  In this fact-filled new
		edition, KGB experts describe how anyone...'"

PAVLOV:		Skip to good part, comrade.

KRYUCHKOV:	Here it is. 'Five steps to a successful coup.
		1. Arrest leader and announce that he is ill.
		2. Seize TV and radio stations to suppress news.
		3. Crush opposition.'

YANEYEV:	What about democratically elected officials?  FAX
		machine?  Foreign correspondants?  World opinion?
		Foreign aid? General strikes?

KRYUCHKOV:	No, is nothing here about that.

PAVLOV:		Must not be important, then.

YANEYEV:	No, I suppose not.

--

The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary                                                
- --------------------------------                                              
                                                                                
:-)   Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or          
      joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.          
;-)   Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.       
      More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.                     
:-(   Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset        
      or depressed about something.                                             
:-I   Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as        
      good as a happy smilie                                                    
:->   User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).        
                                                                                
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:             
                                                                                
(-:   User is left handed                                                       
%-)   User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight             
:*)   User is drunk                                                             
[:]   User is a robot                                                           
8-)   User is wearing sunglasses                                                
:-{)  User has a mustache                                                       
:-{}  User wears lipstick                                                       
{:-)  User wears a toupee                                                       
:-)~  User drools                                                               
:-~)  User has a cold                                                           
:'-(  User is crying                                                            
:'-)  User is so happy, s/he is crying                                          
:-@   User is screaming                                                         
|-I   User is asleep                                                            
:-P   Nyahhhh!                                                                  
:-X   User's lips are sealed                                                    
:-C   User is really bummed                                                     
:-/   User is skeptical                                                         
:-o   Uh oh!                                                                    
(8-o  It's Mr. Bill!                                                            
*:o)  And Bozo the Clown!                                                       
:-9   User is licking his/her lips                                              
%-6   User is braindead                                                         
[:-)  User is wearing a walkman                                                 
(:I   User is an egghead                                                        
<:-I  User is a dunce                                                           

:)  Midget smilie                                                               
:]  Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend             
=)  Variation on a theme...                                                     
:) - Happy                                                                      
:] - Gleep                                                                      
:D - Laughter                                                                   
:I - Hmmm...                                                                    
:( - Sad                                                                        
:[ - Real Downer                                                                
:< - what?                                                                      
:{ - what?                                                                      
:O - Yelling                                                                    
:,( - Crying                                                                    
[] - Hugs and                                                                   
:* - Kisses                                                                     
|I - Asleep                                                                     
|^o -Snoring                                                                    
                                                                                
====================================================================

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was
teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally
when he said "Jump!" the frog jumped high in the air. He thought
it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.

He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He
placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said "jump". It jumped 
and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation
note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None".
Then he cut one of the legs off the frog and said jump. It jumped to
a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, and
measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height
jumped was only 5 inches. The he cut one more leg and the frog now 
had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg.
Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog
and said "jump!". It didn't move at all. He wrote his inference in
the note book: "When we removed all the four legs, it was not able
to hear!".


Subject: restroom humor

no matter how you shake,
no matter how you dance,
the last drop is always,
in your pants!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Elliott                    Sex is hereditary. Chances are if your 
melliott@trojan.convex.com      parents never had it, neither will you.



Two guys are in a bar.  A Chinese girl starts flirting with one of them.
Pretty soon, he goes over and introduces himself, and off they go.  They
get to her place, and she says [like April] that she liked a lot of oral
sex.  So our friend indulges.  Afterward, she says she's had enough, so
he has to leave.  He's not real happy, but complies.

An hour later, he's back in the bar with his friend, explaining what
happened.  Just then, she walks back into the bar, and starts flirting
with him again.  He starts to walk over to her, but his friend says
"Are you going to go out with her again, after what she did?"  To which
he replies "You know how it is.  You eat Chinese, and an hour later you're
hungry again."
-- 
vsnyder@jato.Jpl.Nasa.Gov   vsnyder@math.Jpl.Nasa.Gov  <-- preferred
ames!elroy!jato!vsnyder     ames!elroy!math!vsnyder
vsnyder@jato.uucp



Joke 1:

A woman is being told by the dentist that she needs a root canal.  She
says disgustedly, "I'd just as soon have a baby as have a root canal."

The dentist replies, "Make up your mind so I'll know how to adjust the
chair."

#2:

A woman is at the dentist's.  As the dentist bends over to examine her,
she grabs him where the seams of his trousers come together.  He asks,
"Madam, what are you doing?"  She replies, "We're going to be careful
not to hurt each other, aren't we?"
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Fortune cookie for a man

"you have an unusual equipment for success.  be sure to use it properly"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=

Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma,
this telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:

        NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE.


===============================================================================
 
                                SHIT HAPPENS

                         in various world religions
			---------------------------- 

 
TAOISM:		Shit happens.
		If you can shit, it isn't shit.

CONFUCIANISM: 	Confucious say, "Shit happens".
 
BUDDHISM:	If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
		Shit will happen again to you next time.

ZEN-BUDDHISM:	What is the sound of shit happening?

HINDUISM:	This shit has happened before.
		This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

PROTESTANTISM:	If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
		Let shit happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM:	If shit happens, you deserved it.

CHARISMATIC CATHOLICISM:
		Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
		  anyway.

JUDAISM:	Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM:	Got any laxatives?

ISLAM:		That shit happens is the will of Allah.
		If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

NEWAGE:		That's not shit, it's feldspar.
		A firm shit does not happen to me.
		This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
		I create my own shit.

EXISTENTIALISM:	Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

WICCA:		If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES:
		No shit happens until Armaggedon.
		There is only a limited amount of good shit.

SECULAR HUMANISM:
		Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE:
		When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

ATHEISM:	I don't believe this shit.
		It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
		 to taste it.


RELIGION FROM AN ATHEIST'S POINT OF VIEW:
		I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's
		 shit.

RASTAFARIAN:	Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.

MORMON:		Hey, there's more shit over here!

Baptist:	You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

UNITARIANISM:	Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

IRAQI BAATHIST:	Oh shit!

VOODOO:		Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

TELEVANGELISM:	Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
		 happening.

AGNOSTICISM:	It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
		 I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

===============================================================================

				SHIT HAPPENS

			    in other various ways	
			   -----------------------


YUPPIE SHIT:	It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?

AN EMPLOYER:	Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

HEISENBERGISM:	Shit happened, we just don't know where.

NIXONISM:	Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
		 about it.

McCARTHYISM:	Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

COMMUNISM:	It's everybody's shit.

CAPITALISM:	Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

REALISM:	I think I need to take a shit.

===============================================================================

               MURPHY'S LAWS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS


                        MURPHY'S LAWS

        1.IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG,IT WILL.
        2.IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF SEVERAL THINGS GOING WRONG,THE ONE THAT
          WILL CAUSE THE MOST DAMAGE WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO GO WRONG.
        3.IF ANYTHING JUST CANNOT GO WRONG,IT WILL ANYWAY.
        4.IF YOU PERCEIVE THAT THERE ARE FOUR POSSIBLE WAYS IN WHICH SOMETHING
          CAN GO WRONG,AND CIRCUMVENT THESE,THEN A FIFTH WAY,UNPREPARED FOR,
          WILL PROMPTLY DEVELOP.
        5.LEFT TO THEMSELVES,THINGS TEND TO GO FROM BAD TO WORSE.
        6.IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL,YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
          SOMETHING.
        7.NATURE ALWAYS SIDES WITH THE HIDDEN FLAW.
        8.MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH.

                        O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS

        MURPHY WAS AN OPTOMIST.

                        GINSBERG'S THEOREMS
        
        1.YOU CAN'T WIN.
        2.YOU CAN'T BREAK EVEN.
        3.YOU CAN'T EVEN QUIT THE GAME.

                        FORSYTH'S SECOND COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS
        
        JUST WHEN YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL,THE ROOF CAVES
          IN.
        
                        WEILER'S LAW
        
        NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO DO IT HIMSELF.

                        THE LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
        
        1.ANY GIVEN PROGRAM,WHEN RUNNING,IS OBSOLETE.
        2.ANY GIVEN PROGRAM COSTS MORE AND TAKES LONGER EACH TIME IT IS RUN.
        3.IF A PROGRAM IS USEFUL,IT WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED.
        4.IF A PROGRAM IS USELESS,IT WILL HAVE TO BE DOCUMENTED.
        5.ANY GIVEN PROGRAM WILL EXPAND TO FILL ALL THE AVAILABLE MEMORY.
        6.THE VALUE OF A PROGRAM IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE WEIGHT OF
          ITS OUTPUT.
        7.PROGRAM COMPLEXITY GROWS UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE CAPABILITY OF THE
          PROGRAMMER WHO MUST MAINTAIN IT.
        
                        PIERCE'S LAW

        IN ANY COMPUTER SYSTEM,THE MACHINE WILL ALWAYS MISINTERPRET,MI-
        CONSTRUE,MISPRINT,OR NOT EVALUATE ANY MATH OR SUBROUTINES OR 
        FAIL TO PRINT ANY OUTPUT ON AT LEAST THE FIRST RUN THROUGH.
        
                        COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW
        
        WHEN A COMPILER ACCEPTS A PROGRAM WITHOUT ERROR ON THE FIRST
        RUN,THE PROGRAM WILL NOT YIELD THE DESIRED OUTPUT.

                        ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
        IN NATURE,NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT.THEREFORE,IF EVERYTHING IS
        GOING RIGHT...SOMETHING IS WRONG.

                        BROOK'S LAW

        IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,TRANSFORM YOUR DATA SET!

                        GROSCH'S LAW

        COMPUTING POWER INCREASES AS THE SQUARE OF THE COST.

                        GOLUB'S LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM

        1.FUZZY PROJECT OBJECTIVES ARE USED TO AVOID EMBARRASSMENT OF
          ESTIMATING THE CORRESPONDING COSTS.
        2.A CARELESSLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES THREE LONGER TO COMPLETE
          THAN EXPECTED; A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES ONLY TWICE AS
          LONG.
        3.THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO CORRECT COURSE INCREASES GEOMETRICALLY
          WITH TIME.
        4.PROJECT TEAMS DETEST WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTING BECAUSE IT SO
          VIVIDLY MANIFESTS THEIR LACK OF PROGRESS.

                        OSBORN'S LAW
        
        VARIABLES WON'T;CONSTANTS AREN'T.
        
                        GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY

        1.COMPUTERS ARE UNRELIABLE,BUT HUMANS ARE EVEN MORE UNRELIABLE.
        2.ANY SYSTEM THAT DEPENDS UPON HUMAN RELIABILITY IS UNRELIABLE.
        3.UNDETECTABLE ERRORS ARE INFINITE IN VARIETY,IN CONTRAST TO DETECT-
          ABLE ERRORS,WHICH BY DEFINITION ARE LIMITED.
        4.INVESTMENT IN RELIABILITY WILL INCREASE UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE PROB-
          ABLE COST OF ERRORS,OR UNTIL SOMEONE INSISTS ON GETTING SOME USEFUL
          WORK DONE.

                        LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY

        THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.

                        TROUTMAN'S POSTULATE

        1.PROFANITY IS THE ONE LANGUAGE UNDERSTOOD BY ALL PROGRAMMERS.
        2.NOT UNTIL A PROGRAM HAS BEEN IN PRODUCTION FOR SIX MONTHS WILL
          WILL THE MOST HARMFUL ERROR BE DISCOVERED.
        3.JOB CONTROL CARDS THAT POSITIVELY CANNOT BE ARRANGED IN IMPROPER
          ORDER WILL BE.
        4.INTERCHANGEABLE TAPES WON'T.
        5.IF THE INPUT EDITOR HAS BEEN DESIGNED TO REJECT ALL BAD INPUT,
          AN INGENIOUS IDIOT WILL DISCOVER A METHOD TO GET BAD DATA PAST IT.
        6.IF A TEST INSTALLATION FUNCTIONS PERFECTLY,ALL SUBSEQUENT SYSTEMS
          WILL MALFUNCTION.

                        WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
        IF BUILDERS BUILT BUILDINGS THE WAY PROGRAMMERS WROTE PROGRAMS,THEN
        THE FIRST WOODPECKER THAT CAME ALONG WOULD DESTROY CIVILIZATION.
        
                        GUMPERSON'S LAW

        THE PROBABILITY OF ANYTHING HAPPENINGIS IN INVERSE RATIO TO ITS
        DESIRABILITY.

                        GUMMIDGE'S LAW

        THE AMOUNT OF EXPERTISE VARIES IN INVERSE RATIO TO THE NUMBER OF 
        STATEMENTS UNDERSTOOD BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

                        ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS

        ONCE YOU OPEN A CAN OF WORMS,THE ONLY WAY TO RECAN THEM IS TO USE
        A LARGER CAN (OLD WORMS NEVER DIE,THEY JUST WORM THEIR WAY INTO
        LARGER CANS).

                        HARVARD'S LAW,AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS

        UNDER THE MOST RIGOROUSLY CONTROLLED CONDITIONS OF PRESSURE,
        TEMPERATURE,VOLUME,HUMIDITY AND OTHER VARIABLES,THE COMPUTER
        WILL DO AS IT DAMN WELL PLEASES.

                        SATTINGER'S LAW

        IT WORKS BETTER IF YOU PLUG IT IN.

                        JENKINSON'S LAW

        IT WON'T WORK.

                        HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE

        EXPERIENCE VARIES DIRECTLY WITH EQUIPMENT RUINED.

                        CHEOP'S LAW

        NOTHING EVER GETS BUILD ON SCHEDULE OR WITHIN BUDGET.

                        RULE OF ACCURACY

        WHEN WORKING TOWARD THE SOLUTION OF A PROBLEM,IT ALWAYS HELPS IF
        YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.

                        ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW

        WHEN IT RAINS,IT POURS

                        PUDDER'S LAWS

        1.ANYTHING THAT BEGINS WELL ENDS BADLY
        2.ANYTHING THAT BEGINS BADLY ENDS WORSE.
                        WESTHEIMER'S RULE

        TO ESTIMATE THE TIME IT TAKES TO DO A TASK: ESTIMATE THE TIME YOU
        THINK IT SHOULD TAKE,MULTIPLY BY TWO AND CHANGE THE UNIT OF MEASURE
        TO THE NEXT HIGHEST UNIT.THUS,WE ALLOCATE TWO DAYS FOR A ONE HOUR
        TASK.

                        STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM

        IF IT LOOKS EASY,IT'S TOUGH.IF IT LOOKS TOUGH,IT'S DAMN NEAR IMPOS-
        SIBLE.

                        ATWOODS COROLLARY

        NO BOOKS ARE LOST BY LENDING EXCEPT THOSE YOU PARTICULARLY WANTED TO
        KEEP.

                        JOHHNSON'S THIRD LAW

        IF YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF ANY MAGAZINE,IT WILL BE THE ISSUE THAT CON-
        TAINS THE ARTICLE,STORY OR INSTALLMENT YOU WERE MOST ANXIOUS TO READ.

                        COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW

        ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS EITHER MISSED IT,LOST IT OR THREW IT OUT.

                        HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW

        YOU NEVER FIND THE ARTICLE UNTIL YOU REPLACE IT.

                        BROOKE'S LAW

        ADDING MANPOWER TO A LATE SOFTWARE MAKES IT LATER.

                        FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW

        ONCE A JOB IS FOULED UP,ANYTHING DONE TO IMPROVE IT WILL ONLY MAKE
        IT WORSE.

                        FEATHERKILE'S RULE

        WHATEVER YOU DID,THAT'S WHAT YOU PLANNED.

                        FLAP'S LAW

        ANY INANIMATE OBJECT,REGARDLESS OF ITS POSITION,CONFIGURATION OR
        PURPOSE,MAY BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM AT ANY TIME IN A TOTALLY UN-
        EXPECTED MANNER FOR REASONS THAT ARE EITHER ENTIRELY OBSCURE OR
        ELSE COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS.


		|*************************************************|
		|            HOW DO I LOVE THEE?                  |
		|                                                 |
		|          LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...               |
		|                                                 |
                |*************************************************|
                |           1. SIDEWAYS				  |
                |           2. UNDER THE PORCH			  |
                |           3. ON THE BAR			  |
                |           4. OVER A MARTINI			  |
                |           5. IN THE BATHTUB			  |
                |           6. DOWN THE STREET			  |
                |           7. BETWEEN COMMERCIALS		  |
                |           8. DURING COMMERCIALS		  |
                |           9. ACROSS THE BRIDGE		  |
                |           10. BEFORE THE WEEKEND		  |
                |           11. NEAR THE SANDTRAP		  |
                |           12. DURING COFFEE BREAK		  |
                |           13. ALWAYS AND  A  L  L   W A Y S !   |
                |                                                 |
                |*************************************************|




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 __/__/	   __/	 __/__/__/   __/

 __  _________________________________ __
\__/				      \__/
\__/    Sarn Wongtangswad             \__/  
\__/    swongta@ic.sunysb.edu         \__/ 
\__/    swongtan@ccvm.sunysb.edu      \__/
\__/ 				      \__/
\__/  IT AIN'T OVER TILL THE SYSTEM   \__/
\__/  CRASHES ../\  ../\.  .........  \__/
\__/              \/     \/	      \__/
\__/ ________________________________ \__/



          
  
Newsgroups: rec.humor