From: diana@wetware.com (CatWoman )
Subject: Re: Nice Guys?
Organization: Castle WetWare MouseCatcher
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 12:37:08 GMT

drburne@eos.ncsu.edu (DALE ROBERT BURNETT) writes:

] i am (i think) a nice guy and i dont have any of the problems that the nice
] guys posting here have.  i seldom finish last and but i dont always win 
] either.  to many nice guys are afraid of rejection and wont stick there neck
] out and ask someone out.  
] to many people take it personal when someone doesnt want to go out with
] them.  some will, wome wont.  so what.  when some one wont go out with
] you then ask somebody else.  if you are truly the good guy you say you are
] then its there loss, right!?!
] 
] to many nice guys are also wishy-washy.  i have set morals that i live by
] and i am not afraid to tell my dates this.  if they dont like it, then
] oh well.  i find that if you stand up for what you think is right you will 
] attract people to you.
] 
] remember,  you attract to you what you are not what you want.
] maybe not enough people know what you stand for.
] 
] of course i might have some personasl quality the i dont know about that
] everyone else can see which takes me out of the nice guy category.
] which would explain why i dont have these problems.

(As LeeAnne said - sorry for quoting the whole article, but
it bears re-reading)

No - I don't think you have any NotNiceGuy personality traits.

It sounds more like you have the proper attitude.  You are not
approaching each date *request* as if it is a life-or-death
situation, and your entire future rests on the person accepting
your offer.  A lot of NiceGuys who get turned down FEEL like
they are turned down by everyone, but usually the problem is
that (1) they are not asking a lot of people, and (2) they are
setting too much store by what the few they ask do. 

Most people who ARE successful use a rather shot-gun approach
to dating - rather like buying a new car - you don't set your
sights on a Ferrarri and ONLY a Ferrarri unless you can afford
it.  Those of us who are on the normal budget have a general
idea of the kind of car we want - then we test-drive all the
cars of that type and find the one we like BEST.  

Same with the dating game - you don't start out by "knowing"
all the traits you want in a life-partner, and only going after
the person who SEEMS to have those unless you want to be
disappointed.  You try LOTS of different people, and get to
know each one for their own good and bad points - and decide
which ones are ones you can live with and which you can't.

Then, as Dale says above - when you have the idea of what you
KNOW you can't compromise on - you STAND UP for yourself, and 
make sure that the other person KNOWS your views.  YOU are the
most important person FIRST.  

This does not mean demanding your way all the time, or 
becoming suicidal when the other person decides that you are
not right for THEM, however.  It means knowing where your 
boundaries are on issues, and what you can compromise on, and
ALSO acknowleging the other persons boundaries.

This takes practise - which goes back to the shot-gun approach
concept.  The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Diana