From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Subject: Re: Confronting my mother (LONG)
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 22:30:33 GMT

In article <1992Aug12.073733.5261@microsoft.com> neilh@microsoft.com (Neil Hoopman) writes:
>I am posting this message for my wife:
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>Spoiler Warning
>

[Account of abuse deleted--I don't have much to say, but I admire your courage]

>
>what kind of role my parents can play in my life
>and me still be comfortable. 

oops, deleted one line too many.  What kind of role do you want your
parents to play in your life?  Sounds to me like they've both more than
forfeited any right to expect anything from you.  You owe them nothing and
yourself everything.  Comfortable would be one thing, but do you really
mean bearable?  It's not healing to let them push you to the limit.  I've
had a hard time with this because I just can't stand to have any one upset
with me, and besides I feel deficient somehow, like there's this big debt
I owe.  If I owe anything, I've come to realize, it isn't to people who
abuse me.

 I've talked to my
>therapist and group, husband and friends about this.
>I guess my question is "Is it possible to heal without
>your first family?"  I have put a lot of thought into what
>Dance of Anger says about needing to change how you deal
>with the relationships in your first family in order
>to be successful in other relationships.

Well, she could just be wrong here, but I think she has a point.  I don't
agree with the assumption that we have to remain _in_ these relationships
in order to deal with them.  In fact, recognizing that someone is bad
for you and cutting off contact is definitely a way of dealing with it.  The
opposite of dealing with an abusive relationship would be letting the humiliation
continue.  From what you've shared here, you obviously have _very_ healthy
instincts.  Whatever you've had to do to get here, you were able to
post this and see through your mother's pretenses.  For what it's worth, I
say do what you think, and feel, is best.

  I just don't 
>know if I can take anymore of my parents.  Unfortunately,
>experience has shown me that when I separate myself from
>my parents the rest of my family jumps on the bandwagon 
>and of "what a bad daugher Sheila is".  In high school,
>this went so far as my mom and grandmother calling my
>friends and telling them what a terrible daughter I was and 
>telling the family I was living with all sorts of lies
>about my personal life.  When they would call and try
>this with me I would hang up.  The family I was staying 
>with thought this was rude(for me to hang up).  I still think
>"Hello-my mother is the one who is being rude-I am standing
>up for myself."

That's very frightening, and I hope it won't happen this time.  But how
much are you getting from any members of your family now.  Maybe you could
consider who else you may not wish to deal with.  A number of my friends
have answering machines and don't pick up the phone until they know who
it is.  In addition, they have a friend go through their mail and take out
letters from family members, either discarding them or saving them until
the person chooses to open it.  This may be further than you want to go,
but sometimes it can be helpful to know that many survivors do this and it
is an option.
>
>How much does one have to take from their family?
>If I walk away from them will it be realistically possible
>for me to move on and be happy?  That is, have any of you
>honestly been able to do that?

I haven't felt the need to do that completely, but neither of my parents
were sexually abusive.  They are also far closer to being understanding
now.  I sometimes feel the need to cut off contact for awhile, and they've
actually respected that need.  I'm very fortunate in that.  Your situation
is very different though, and I don't think that you need to take any more,
and I think that you will find it easier to heal without spending time with
them.  You can also always make a temporary split or just ignore their calls
and invitations for awhile.  If you wish, you can always change your mind
later.  Sometimes it's hard to make 'forever and all time' decisions.  You
don't need to make it that unless you really want a clean break.

>
>My husband has been a great support to me-especially tonight.
>I could use some survivor support too though : )
>
Sorry I wasn't able to respond earlier, I've been busy with my own stuff.  I
have been thinking about you a lot though.

>If any of you have stuck with this I want to repeat that my 
>husband is posting this for me.  My name is Sheila and you can send
>stuff to me at his "address".  I do accept hugs.  And I need
>a few.  It's been a while since I've felt this small.
>
Lots of hugs, Sheila.  And take care, I really admire you.

>Sheila
>
Sherri


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