From: seger@cognet.ucla.edu (Carol Seger)
Subject: Why I don't like MDMA
Organization: UCLA Cognitive Science Research Program
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 07:27:27 GMT

Joe writes:
>but, far more disturbing to me:
>2) after a few very special experiences with very special people, i made
>the mistake of doing MDMA in large group settings (eg, nearly the whole
>campus at the end of spring term); imagine a thousand (well, probably
>close to 50% of a student body of 1000) running around telling each other
>"God, you know, i hardly know you, but i feel like you're a really _good_
>person", piling into huge heaps of swarming bodies searching for the
>ultimate hug (aka, group grope), etc. - people being suddenly very
>_sincere_ about each other, then waking up hung over on Monday and
>grumbling off to finals week, back in thier usual miserable selves.
>
>In other words, doing it in a general social setting _cheapened_ the
>ecstatic, expansive experiences i'd had previously, and made me really
>question the validity of my experineces with it & perceptions while on it
>(not to mention what it did for my already cynical view of my fellow
>students). My physiological experience didn't seem to change with
>successive uses (though i did want a bit more each time), but my
>emotional reaciton to the experience certainly did. Those "very special
>people" were/are still very special to me (and some of us have done it
>again, but in a more private/personal setting) - however, the
>substance(s) no longer hold any attraction - i'd rather use various other
>psychedelics, even though they offer less emotional "oomph", because the
>experience and insights gained feel more honest somehow.
>
>Several other friends from college days report the same perspective on
>the MDA family of toys.

My husbond and I have similar attitudes towards MDMA -- the first time
we took it (long, long ago when we weren't married and it was still 
legal (of course)) it was very intense and good for our relationship; 
I was able to tell him things that I had been keeping secret and which 
I thought I would never be able to tell him. However, subsequent 
experiences with each other were lacking in power, and were misleading. 
For example, there was something that I wanted to do that my husband 
didn't want me to. I went ahead and did it. He was hurt. I was sure 
that I could explain my reasons for doing it so well on MDMA that 
he would understand and approve, and that was one of the reasons
that I went ahead and did it over his objections. Later, I 
explained my reasons on MDMA and he did understand -- until the 
drug wore off. Afterwards in real life he was still just as hurt 
as he had been before. Clearly I had unrealistic expectations, but
I maintain that at least for me MDMA is misleading and not clear.
I can't trust how MDMA makes me feel. Conversely, psychedelics for
me are always clear and truthful.

Our experiences with others were worse -- my husbond, for instance, 
asked someone he barely knew to be his best man at our wedding. I 
used it with my sister and was uncomfortable afterwards with the 
things I had revealed to her on the drug. 

The worst thing was coming down -- one second I would be ecstatic,
the next I would be totally normal, and depressed that normal life
wasn't as happy as on the drug.

So I don't have much desire to use MDMA again, though since I am older
now and have more realisitic expectations, I expect I could do so and
enjoy it. It certainly has its spectacular qualities, but is far from
an unmixed blessing.

Carol.

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