Newsgroups: misc.kids

I would like to thank all of you who responsed to my request for help in 
dealing with my daughter. I am glad it generated a great discussion -- 
it makes me realize there are so many parents out there facing the same
challenge, searching, struggling and enjoying the same way.  Although 
some of you may think that you are too harsh, I am not being offensed 
at all. In fact I am grateful that you help me to see things from a 
different perspective, get me thinking in the area that we ignored in 
the past and remind me the wonderful qualities of my daughter which we 
tend to overlook amid battles.  I am trying to put out a summary here, 
for myself and for parents on the same boat, and to answer people who 
showed concern and interest in knowing what we will do.

Our Personality and Relationship

While I have difficulties in dealing with my daughter's behavior, I
have no problem in our relationship. Although it seems like I only focus 
on the negative experience, I simply presented some worse case scenarios
which I need help and want to evoke discussions. I am still not certain
whether we are a crush or a match. All I know is that Britt is a child
I want to be with anytime. She is always cheerful, full of energy and
original puns and lots of questions.  Even during disagreements you can
see this witty smile on her face. She is very clingy child to me and
we do everything together. When dad is at work and sis in friend's house, 
Britt and I had lots of good times between us. We had spurred moment
indulgence that I let her ride on all the fairground rides she wished,
bought her popcorns and ice-creams, took her to MacDonalds, let her
drink all the 7-up she wanted. I just love to see her eyes sparkled
with disbelief. Sometime it's like the whole world is against her,
dad, grandma, aunt..., I am the only person on her side. When you bonded
so deeply, saying that she is special to me is an understatement.
I honestly admire her stubbornness and being a hell of a fighter, if only
we can channel it to the positive and productive outlet, she will be truely 
spectacular indeed. (Her dad didn't believe me, I said "just you see"). 
I love her so much that I worry about her the most. I pleaded to the world 
for help and am desperately waiting for someone to tell me what I did wrong,
I wished it was my fault and there is something that I can do.   

One clarification: we did not label her the "problem child". It was a joke
from her pediatrician. Britt was the one who kicked and screamed the whole
duration of every doctor visit from the day she was born till way over 2.5 yo.
I guess even for a pediatrician who has seen them all it is rather rare.
 
Sibling Rivalry

Alot of people mentioned sibling rivalry. This is something that we 
did not pay serious attention in the past because despite of their 
difference in personalities, these two are the best friends in the world.
They have their shares of fights but nothing major. They love each other
dearly and always do things together. They often team up against us parents. 
Sometime when I argue with one, the others will beg me "just let her". 
Come to think of it, our carelessness in comparing them, subtly and  
unsubtly, has affected the way both of them act, especially the little
one. No wonder Britt refused to let baby cousin play with her toys, because
her aunt kept complementing how nicely Kina entertained the baby (She
does have a natural tenderness towards babies, that's why we never had
any sibling problem when Britt was born), how much the baby loved her,
and "Oh, you could come over to babysit for me ... " and to Britt, "Bad 
girls have no friends." She hates it when her sister offers to teach her how
to swim, to show her how to write, to tell her what color to use or
to explain to her the rules of games. "I don't want you to tell me.
I know it already!" she shouts. When they play, she is always the 
superior figure: mom, teacher, Belle, Ariel ... We criticize her for being
bossy and aggresive, "take turns, take turns" we always say. Perhaps we
do not realize that she needs it for own her self-esteem. She can't beat 
her sister in popularity, in reading and writing, in singing, ballet and tap, 
in ice skating, swimming, bike riding, rope jumping, in hoola hooping ..., 
it really doesn't leave her too much room. Telling her she can do them too 
when she's older doesn't make her feel any better, because she knows that
in two years her sister will be more advanced, she will never be able
to catch up. So she routes her energy to opposition and destruction. 
If we can see things differently, we would not always put the blame on her.  
As many of you have mentioned (like Peggy did to her duaghters), 
AVOID DIRECT COMPETITION is a key point. So we got to find something 
just for her. There is one thing she loves, asks many times and her 
sister hasn't tried -- gymnastics! So that's it, this one is reserved 
just for her. Won't that be nice if we have all saints in the family? 

The School

I had a long talk with her teacher. He (yes, her Montessori headteacher 
is a male.  We like him alot because he keeps the class in balance and
he often handles children differently from other teachers. He is not the 
one who told me about Britt's misbehavior. And again, they didn't talk to me 
first, I initiated the previous talk.) told me Britt is no doubt a challenge 
in class, but not the most difficult. Apparently he has seen more. And she 
is not a ADD child according to his experience, she is able to sit down
with him working on puzzles for more than 20 minutes. He encounters
the same disobedient, testing, oppositional behavior we have seen.
For things you want her to do, you need to tell her 3-5 times. She will
look at you to see if how serious you are. He commented he had to be
very firm, consistent, focus and make sure he let her know that he
meant business. Alot of times he had to hold her shoulder to calm her 
down. But he confessed that sometimes he wondered if it was really 
that important to force a child to act properly. After all running around 
the room is not dangerous or life threatening. Sometimes they got into 
a tie situation, then he got called away for something, when he came back,
the task was done. So he will choose the battles more carefully. As 
many of you pointed out, his idea is also "not fight about everything 
and make sure you win if you do". He told me "don't worry, we can handle it." 

I received many helpful tips on how to deal with children like her in school 
later on. One thing I am not quite clear is what kind of school suits this
type of children. Some recommended strictly structured school for consistency,
discipline and high expectation. Others said a more loose environment would
suit her personality better, give her a chance to mature and make school 
a more pleasant place to be. I need to find out more in this area. 

ADD, Learning disability and Counceling

It is perhaps too early to determine whether she has a learning disability.
We decide to wait. If in kindergarten she still shows no academic interest 
or unable to focus, we definely will have her diagnosed. Same as for
family counceling, thanks for enlightening me on that subject, it is
certainly a valuable option we will keep in mind.

Rewards

There are lengthy discussions on rewards, lot of good analysis and suggestions. 
I learned alot. Give her acceptable choices, understand what she wants the
most and be creative. I think sticks and toys are excellent examples.
I am not prepare make exception out of my rules. Take away privileges
is also a good strategy to try.
 
Out-Grown or Not-Out-Grown

Alot of parents ensured me that it will get better as the time goes by. 
They will be more mature and able to make sense. But the stubbornness,
the trickiness, and the maybe learning difficulties will not go away.
We just have to prepare to give her extra help for school, closely
monitor her and always be there for her in the years to come. 

The Perfect Child

I could say alot of great things about Kina. But in here I want to say
even a perfect child isn't perfect all the time. Up to this day, she 
still has what we call the fatigue tantrum, not the screaming on floor
type but the mean and unpleasant type. The good thing about it is that
it is predictable and we all know how to handle it. She will say
"don't talk to me, I'm tired and grumpy." then go to lie down by herself.

She is sometimes too sensitive and accommodating. She lacks the fighting
spirit in her sister. I observed they fought over "the girl in purple 
dress" in Chutes and Ladders. After a few arguments, Kina signed 
"ok, you can have it." I couldn't stop myself from intervening: 
"Kina, don't give in so easily!" I did not let Britt win at that time. 
I hope Kina has learned something.  Am I comparing again? What I try 
to say is that for any child, parenting is not a breeze. 

The End

I benefit a great deal from all the advices and ideas. Does this mean
cause found and problem solved? No. I always remember what Sydney Kennedy
sent me in his mail: "One of the hard things about it is other people 
think, "If you just do X he'll shape up."  But 'X' wasn't it." I'm 
going to try now to see which X is it.

Thanks for the books you recommended. I had one, "How to talk to ..."
and will get the rest this weekend.

What can I say about Britt? She is the one plays Claydo on the living room
carpet no matter how many times you tell her not to, kicks my wall with 
muddy feet and pees on my rug and thinks it is funny. But she is also the
one who takes the newpaper in every morning, always saves some food
from her lunch, especilly grapes because "Kina woves grapes", so she can
share with her sister on our way home and always the first one runs
to you with open arms. She makes you laugh and cry at the same time. 
She's such a great kid.  Boy I love her so. 

So next time when daddy is shaking his head in complete helplessness or
when I am wiping milk from a flying cup off the wall and the floor, I will
tell myself to hang in there. Someday this girl is going to shine, she will
surprise all of us. So will all the challenging and perfect children out 
there.   


Vivienne Poon