From: mike@isgtec.com (Mike Sellers)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Juggling Work and Family -- long term effects?
Summary: A probably non-PC post full of anxieties from a working dad
Date: 13 Oct 92 22:02:40 GMT
Organization: ISG Technologies Inc., Mississauga Ontario

CREECH@LSTC2VM.stortek.com (Teresa Creech) writes:
> dhouge@quasar.Tymnet.COM (Diana Houge) writes:
> >I had to return to work part time when my little boy was 8 weeks old.
> >[...]I do know that I am fighting the tears almost everyday, missing my baby
> >and wondering what new accomplishment my sitter will see first and not me.
> >
> >My husband and I live within very modest means.  We own an average track
> >house and own two cars, (one paid for).  I guess I should mention we live
> >in San Jose, CA., where an average track house is defined as $230k.  We
> >were lucky to buy one a few years ago for $180k.  It takes both our
> >incomes to make the mortgage and pay the bills.  [...] We love little 
> >Mark more than I could have ever imagined possible and we are able to 
> >provide him with tons of love and attention, but I need to know how to 
> >deal with the terrible guilt and the empty space I feel all day without him.

I don't mean to suggest that Ms. Houge is wrong (obviously she and her
husband are doing what they have to just to get by), but I have long 
wondered about the long-term effects of raising children in daycare on 
both the children and on the entire family.  Is there any reliable data 
on this?  I think the basic numbers (see below) are compelling and sobering,
and I really worry about a lot of the kids growing up (not *at all* the same 
as "being raised") today.  I don't mean to pick on Ms. Houge's anxieties or
on Ms. Creech's answers to them, but I think this is an issue that needs to 
be carefully addressed.  

Unfortunately, with the costs in many locales today and the materialistic
lifestyle of some parents, the issue of who is parenting our children is,
I think, generally being ignored or at best glossed over.  My fear is that 
this issue will not only not go away, but that it will be revisited upon us 
with a vengeance in the next decade or so, as our children become adults.

> I was in much the same position with my first baby.  Hang in there.  It'll
> work out.  As your baby gets a little older, you will see that your son
> will *know* that you are Mom and that Dad is Dad and that the babysitter
> is the babysitter.  

I *know* this is highly non-PC, and will probably get me roundly flamed
(especially given that it is so painful to many people), but I think it
needs to be pointed out that the few hours in the evening (say, the 2-3 
between 6 when you pick your child up and 8 or 9 when they go to bed) do 
not outweigh the many (8-10?) hours that they spend with another person 
during the day.  Consider the cumulative waking time spent with you vs. the 
caregiver between birth and 5 years -- at 240 working days per year, figure 
approximately 3025 for you and 12100 for the caregiver, or 4x as much as you.
Your child is spending 80% of their waking life with one or more non-parent 
adults (who may themselves come and go frequently, as happens in many 
"professional" daycare centers).  On the one hand, you may hope that your 
child doesn't become attached to their daytime caregiver for fear that this 
person will replace you, but on the other hand, a child who has *not* formed 
a permanent attachment with an adult is going to have all sorts of social 
problems later on.  

> The time you spend with him in the
> evening is very valuable and since there's one of him and two of you, he
> will get lots of attention.  

The idea of "quality time" is, unfortunately, largely a myth; while you may 
feel compelled to make every moment count, you cannot tell a young child that 
since you're home from work, *now* is the time when you two will build a 
relationship.  While any competent daycare provider will not try to usurp
your position as parent, they cannot help but provide much of the attention
that is needed to build a close relationship with your child if they are to 
lovingly provide for them.  

> The time spent at daycare will be valuable too, when he's older, because 
> being around other kids will teach him a whole lot.

I suppose this is true, if you have only one child.  The downside of this,
of course, is many time the number of colds and other childhood diseases
and (especially in short-staffed institutional daycare) a much lower 
parent-child ratio than is found in the home.  While the above sentiment 
may help assuage much of the torment of a parent of a daycare child, I 
don't think that a daycare situation can be seen as advantageous from 
the child's point of view, even in social terms.  Siblings provide the
same role without the drawbacks of other daycare children.  

> I wouldn't worry too much about missing too many 'firsts'.  I found that we 
> got to see most of them, simply because we were the ones who encouraged our
> children.  The daycare provider is simply too busy to go around trying to get
> all the kids to walk all day!!!  

Frankly, as a parent this situation would frighten me.  If this level of
inattention is generally the case, then what kind of lessons are your 
children being taught?  Above and beyond walking, how are they learning to 
use a fork, to share, to be polite, to not hit, to read, to dress themselves,
to take responsibilities, and to follow your morals and ethics?  Can all this
really be crammed into the 20% of the child's day when they spend time with
you, when you're exhausted after work and laundry and dinner and vacuuming?
If not, can and should parents be able to depend on daycare workers providing
this service?  Daycare seems to offer many choices between Scylla and 
Charybdis: Do you want them to teach your children what they have time for 
and/or think is right, or worse, nothing at all?  Is there a solution to this
dilemma which does not harm our children?  

--
              Mike Sellers      User Interface Team Leader
           mike@isgtec.com      ISG Technologies, Toronto, Canada
              "Actum ne agas" -- Do not do what has been done.
                         Furare tantum ab Optimis