From: bhv@areaplg2.corp.mot.com (Bronis Vidugiris)
Subject: Re: Personal Q, Need a Woman's View
Organization: Motorola, CCR&D, CORP, Schaumburg, IL
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 23:42:32 GMT

In article <1992Aug13.200352.58141@cc.usu.edu> slzm9@cc.usu.edu writes:
)   Hello, I know this is not alt.personals but I need a woman's
)perspective. My girlfriend and I keep having the same fight
)and I would like to know why. She usually tries to give me some
)friendly advice:

Well, if you *really* don't want a non-woman's perspective, you'd better
hit 'n' now......


)	"When my missionary friend comes to my birthday party on
)         Saturday please refrain from talking about religion with
)         him."

)   I usually sit there and think about it a little while. I consider
)these facts: 1. Can I not be trusted to have a civil conversation - No
)that's not it she knows I can do that. 2. It's really going to bother
)here if we get in an argument - Yea that is probably it.

)   Then I  think well then I won't discuss religion with this fellow
)but then I think to myself but if I am an atheist (and I am) and he
)is a Mormon missionary (he is) how can we be friends and not talk
)about religion. So I decide to acquiesce this first time and not talk
)about it but be frank with my girlfriend that eventually we should
)be able to talk about.

)   That's all it took. I told here, "Ok but the next time he comes to
)visit can you and I talk about letting religion be a topic." 
)   "No", she says, "and you do not respect anything about the way I
)think." She is shouting now. "It always has to be your way. Well
)I am sick of it", she concludes.
)
)   Now this went on for awhile but I don't get it. I just want to
)be able to talk about interesting things with people that come over.
)I don't want to argue with them. How am not "respecting her thinking"
)when I resist her attempt to control my behavior?

She's not reacting very logically.  But there indeed might have been
something bothering her.  She might know things about her friend that you
don't - things that would make your idea of an 'interesting discussion'
impossible.

It seems likely that there is something else bothering her as well - for
her to remark about how 'you don't respect anything about the way I think'.
Not to mention your statement that you've had similar arguments before.
There are a large number of possibilities - it could relate to something
you did in the past that she's angry about, or it could relate to something
that somebody else did to her, perhaps in childhood or the way she was
raised.  In the later case, she may not even be very aware of what is going
on.  It could be a combination of the two - there are things that you do that
bother her, and they bother her more because they remind her of things that
bothered her a lot in her childhood.  Then on the other hand, there's
the well known risks of trying to figure out what's going on 'long-distance'
- maybe it's something else entirely....

There are a several things you can try:

1)  Wait until she calms down, and then try and talk the issue over
with her again.  Try and get her to express her concerns about the
missionary.

risks:  She might fly off the handle again.  She also might tend to yell
more if it gets positive attention and this is all you do.

benifits:  you might find out what was bothering her.

2)  <optional, but recommended - do #1 first before doing #2>.  Talk to
her about you felt when she ordered you around and shouted at you.  Try and
set some limits.  Identify what's the most objectionable thing she does -
is it the yelling, for instance, and try and talk to her about how you feel
when she does them and ask her to stop.  See if she will agree to some limits
(said that earlier :-)).

risks:  She might fly of the handle again & might not listen.  She might
feel that you weren't really listening to her if you do this too soon &
feel betrayed and 'sulk'.

benifits:  If you get through to her, you might be able to get her to
moderate her behavior when you have a disagreement, especially if you can
focus on what upsets you the most about her response, or is the most obvious
sign that something's going wrong.

3)  If you're fairly serious about the relationship, you might also consider
talking to a counselor.  Preferably joint, but you can get *some* benifit
even if she doesn't come along.  The most benefit will be if you both
go, IMO.

risks: costs money
benefits: you'll get better quality advice from a professional than from
the net.

4)  Think some about your own limits.  How comitted are you to her?  How
frequent is this behavior on her part?  Is it all worth it?
Newsgroups: soc.women