Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 08:33:03 EST
Comments:     Resent-From: General Mills <LIBALP@EMUVM1>
From:         General Mills <LIBALP@EMUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      net etiquette humor #7,
              562
              =================================================================
              =======

A little something the late, great Robert Holder dumped in our mailboxes.
Melanie, I find you guilty of 1,6, and 8, but not 4 or 11 like the rest
of us.
-gm
----------------------------Original message----------------------------

 ====================================================================

 From singer@constance.rutgers.edu Tue May 24 04:54:09 1988
 From: singer@constance.rutgers.edu (Hal Singer)
 Newsgroups: news.groups
 Subject: How to Properly Post
 Date: 24 May 88 09:54:09 GMT
 Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

                      The USENET Guide to Power Posting

 1.   Conspiracies abound:  If everyone's against you, the reason
         can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead.  There's obviously
         a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
         net a favor by exposing it.  Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI
         Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors.

 2.   Lawsuit threats:  This is the reverse of Rule #1.  Threatening a
         lawsuit is always considered to be in good form.  "By saying that
         I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered
         me, and sodomized me.  See you in court, Charlie."

 3.   Force them to document their claims:  Even if Jane Jones
         states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand
         documentation.  If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's
         cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.

 4.   Use foreign phrases:  French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
         of USENET.  You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
         times per article.  Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam",
         "vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo".

 5.   Tell 'em how smart you are:  Why use intelligent arguments to
         convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
         State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
         Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
         "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
         the word 'premeiotic' ".

 6.   Be an armchair psychologist:  You're a smart person.  You've heard of
         Freud.  You took a psychology course in college.  Clearly, you're
         qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.  "Polly Purebread, by
         using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case
         of penis envy."

 7.   Accuse your opponent of censorship.  It is your right as an American
         citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
         by the 37th Amendment, I think).  Anyone who tries to limit your
         cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a
         fascist, or both.

 8.   Doubt their existence:  You've never actually seen your opponent,
         have you?  And since you're the center of the universe, you should
         have seen them by now, shouldn't you?  Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
         Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off.

 9.   Laugh at whatever they write.  A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
         should intimidate just about anyone.

 10.  When in doubt, insult:  If you forget the other rules, remember
         this one.  At some point during your wonderful career on USENET
         you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
         better than you.  This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
         arguments, make you look generally like a bozo.  At this point,
         there's only one thing to do:  insult the dirtbag!!!  "Oh yeah?
         Well, you do strange things with vegetables."

 11.  And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the
         favorite defense of Soc.women:  "Who cares what YOU think -- this
         is Soc.WOMEN!".  Add "DAMMIT!" for effect.

 12.  Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man
         basher.  No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate
         men.

 13.  Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything.  Tell the
         linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it.

 14.  Make things up about your opponent:  It's important to make your lies
         sound true.  Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
         "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

 15.  Cross-post your article:  Everyone on the net is just waiting for
         the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal.  From
         rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths
         until your next flame.  Therefore, post everywhere.

 16.  Use the smiley to your advantage.  You can call anyone just about
         anything as long as you include the smiley.  On really nasty attacks
         add "No flames, please".  When they bitch, call them an ass for not
         being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it.

 17.  Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up.
         This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on
         the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men.

 18.  Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't
         worry.  You needn't cancel the article.  That only shows what a wimp
         you really are.  Deny that you ever sent it.  "It must be a
         forgery!"  (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!)  "Someone broke
         into my account and sent it!"  "It's that damn backbone cabal out to
         get me!"  Take your pick, they've all been used before.

 19.  A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist".  By itself, it
         really does nothing.  But, when used often, and in enough articles,
         it can make you a net-legend.

 20.  And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless
      you're expanding it).  This drives 'em wild.  Be sure to follow up as
      many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say.  The
      important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a
      "regular" in your pet newsgroup.  Never change the ">" symbol when
      following up; that's for wimps.  Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER"
      in every article.

 Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try
 an example:

 In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes:
 > Dear Sally,

 I object to your use of the word "dear".  It shows you are a
 condescending, sexist Pman.  Also, the submissive tone you use shows
 that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.

 > While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought"
 > to be extremely thought-provoking,

 "Thought-provoking"?  I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece
 of swamp slime.  :-) (No flames, please)

 >                                      it really shouldn't have been
 > posted in Soc.women.

 What?  Are you questioning my judgment?  I'll have you know that I'm
 a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate.  I got an 800 on my
 PMS exam.  Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things.
 This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT!

 Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship.  There is a
 conspiracy against me.  You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been
 constantly harassing me by email.  This was an ad hominem attack!  If this
 doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men.

 > Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.

 It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the
 Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to.  Or don't you
 believe in those documents, you damn fascist?  Perhaps if you didn't
 spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would
 have realized this.

 >                                                   Your article would
 > be much more appropriate there.

 Can you document this?  I will only accept documents notarized by my
 attorney, and signed by you in your blood.  Besides, you don't really exist
 anyway, you Pseudo, you.

 > If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line.

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 > Bill.

 Sally Sourpuss

 "If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?"

 Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT!
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU