From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Rewards (Was: Re: Mischievous Child (3 YO))
Date: 13 Aug 92 00:13:52 GMT
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California

In article <1992Aug12.191114.4669@novell.com> janines@novell.com (Janine Schenone) writes:
>I just read J.L. Tyrer's post describing her how she will reward 
>Mitchell for cleaning his room: 3 stickers = 1 Batman toy and
>10 stickers = Crashing Dummies (or something like that). Now I
>have a question:
>
>When do you reward a child, and when do you simply expect them
>to do it because you want them to do it?

When they understand the task at hand.  So, if you use a sticker as a 
motivation for a child to stay dry and everytime he is dry for a whole day
he gets a sticker, once the art of toileting is mastered, the reward is no
longer necessary.

I see it as external discipline applied until internal discipline is mastered.

>
>I am very new at this positive discipline and rewards game, as my
>daughter is only 18 months old. I give her a lot of positive feedback
>for behavior I want to encourage. (She picks up her toys without my
>asking at 18 months! You can rent her once in a while if you want ;>)
>But my positive feedback consists of praise, smiles, hugs, kisses.
>
>Do you feel that it's necessary to offer a reward for positive
>behavior, or is it that you're turning a request you're not crazy
>about ("I want Crash Dummies") into a chance to work on some
>behavior of his?

Both.

At four my child is very aware of what he wants, especially in terms of toys.
But he is NOT aware of how things are acquired.  So everyday he tells me,
"Please don't go to work".  And then I explain that when I work I get paid and
this money is used to buy toys.  So, if I don't go to work, I can't buy him
toys.  Going to work is my job.  (If I'm feeling sarcastic, I add things like
if I don't go to work we'll all have to live on the street and beg for food,
but I don't think he grasps that concept nearly as well as getting toys).

Well, to my way of thinking, everyone in the family has a responsibility to
contribute to the family and is given a reward for that contribution.  Just as
I am paid in money for my contribution to work, I am paying my child in toys
(an exchange he understands) for his contribution to the family - helping to
pick up his toys.

So the way I see it my children will get special rewards (sticker that they
collect to buy a toy or something of that sort) while acquiring new behaviors
they will be expected to know at some later date.  This can include toilet
training, picking up the room, cooking dinner once a week, cleaning the pool,
mowing the long, taking out the trash, etc. etc.  The contributory tasks and
responsibilities increase as the child's ability increases.

At some point that behavior is part of the child's repetoire (sp?) and is now
an expected behavior.  It is given positive recognition, but no longer 
eligible for stickers, toys, money, etc.  It's just part of that child's
expected contribution to the family's well being.  And, at that point, failure
to perform the expected behavior results in punishment.  So for a 3 YO to
clean up his room is worthy of reward.  It's a big task for a 3 YO.  But for
a 10 year old to leve his stuff lieing around the house is disruptive to
family harmony and stuff left in the common areas is stuff that gets taken away.

Work that either generates money or saves the expenditure of money should be
rewarded with money.  So I imagine as the children grow there will always be
jobs around the house they can do and earn money for.  Otherwise we'd pay 
someone to do them and the kids can just do without whatever great toy they
just HAVE to have.

>I am all for "Discipline Without Yelling or Spanking," as one book
>title puts it. And I also like the idea of fostering behavior you want
>in a positive way. So could people explain how rewards such as new
>toys fit in this picture? 
>
Well, this is all theory so far.  Like I mentioned, my sticker reward system
has been a significant failure to date.  I think I had too high an expectation.
So I'll let you know as we "try try again."
-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake