From: jeffy@athena.mit.edu
Newsgroups: alt.tv.ren-n-stimpy
Subject: Transcription of In The Army (Bob Camp)
Keywords: Fold
Date: 23 Aug 92 19:53:06 GMT
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology


Once upon a time, our own erstwhile colleague, Lazlo Nibble, interviewed Bob
Camp for X Magazine. This transcription of the erstwhile Bob Camp jumping
through "In The Army" may have already been posted, but it's magical moments
like this that set the tear ducts a flowin', so I couldn't resist neither this
nor the temptation to create a horrendous erstwhile run-on sentence. Enjoy.

X: So could you like, maybe, walk through the process real quick and just say
what it's all about?

Camp: I can pitch you this board . . . this is a board I've just started, and
I'm almost done with it. Ren and Stimpy are in the Army...lemme turn on the
lights so you can see it a little better.

Alright: it opens up with ... this is the title card: Stimpy going at a Ren
dummy with a bayonet. You see the outside of the army induction center, see the
guys lined up and cut to the inside and start to pan across all these naked
hairy men's legs, you know, and there's Ren and Stimpy standing in line, naked
and ashamed and shivering in the cold...they look around and they see you look
at 'em, and suddenly they're scared and they hide each others' butt parts and
stuff. You see Ren all sitting, waiting for the doctor to come examine him, and
the eye chart says T H I S W I L L H U R T Y O U ... he's sitting there gulping
and scared...suddenly: "vreeeeeeeep..." coming in on the side is the Mega-Shot
Arm Pulverizer, the doc grabs his arm and PUTS it right up against his arm, and
you see his neck stretching... "Vrrrrrrrrmmmm...ka-CHUNK!", he faits dead
away...you see Stimpy standing there looking concerned...he says, "Stimpy, look
what they did to my arm!" and he holds it up and there's this HUGE THROBBING
MOUND on it, with a Band-Aid, and Stimpy says, "Yeah, I got shots too, Ren,
look!" "vreeeeep..." and he's got a huge mound on his tongue...you dissolve, you
see Ren & Stimpy in the barbershop, whoosh! In comes the hand, bzzzzz, they know
what's happening, it's the Impeding Doom on Stimpy's face...ZAAAAAAAAAA! he gets
the top of his head cut off, Ren says, "Oh no"...in comes the thing
again...ZAAAAAAA! he gets the top of his head cut off, you cross-dissolve and
you see them coming up for their uniforms, they're silhouetted, and they grab
their uniforms and walk off, you cut to the outside and you see their boots: and
you start to paaaan and there they are with their skulls exposed, they whip out
their helmets, KLONNNG they put their helmets on their heads...Ren turns around
and says: "You know Steempy, this Army business ain't so bad! I think we found
our niche!" SO they start going at their niches, pickin' and scratchin' and
stuff...you truck out, and there stands -- the big, Mean, SERGEANT! And he
screams at 'em: "TAAAAY...HWUUP!" And they're scared, they don't know what's
going on...Ren says "What'd he say?" "TAY HWUP!" he's screaming at 'em. And
Stimpy being the stupidest individual on the planet is the perfect soldier. He's
perfect soldier material. So he stands at attention, he completely understands
the gibberish the guy's yelling, Ren has no idea what's going on. He looks over
ter him, and Stimpy's marching around, you hear the Sarge
yelling in the background: "HWOP! TRIP! FIP! THOW" Ren comes up after 'im:
"HEBOW PACE!" he whips around, screeches to a halt, he's trying to catch up with
him..."KUBANNY...HAW!" and hi zips in, vibrates to a stop, and does an awkward
loooking salute...and the sarge yells at 'im: "HEMAYY...KOW!" which who knows
what the hell that means...and he whips up real quick, and then he JUTS his head
forward and he LUNGES his tongue out, and grabs Ren with his tongue, <kwccck>
squishing him, and he picks uhim up with his tongue like a fist: holds him right
in front of his face and starts screaming at him: "HAINT YEW FOLLA ODERS?" and
he flips him up in the air and he THROWS him to the ground dashing his skull to
bits, and he comes up and he's all shakin' and stuff, see the big meaty finger
come in their faces and he says: "HARITE YEW TWO INSEKS: GIMMY TWENY!", points
to the ground, Stimpy salutes again...<thoop!>, he falls down to the ground, you
hear <fap fap fap fap fap>, Ren looks down, he doesn't know what to think, and
there's Stimpy, he's going at the push-ups like a steam locomotive, <fap fap fap
fap fap fap>, so Ren shrugs his shoulders, reaches in his pocket, he says: "As a
rule, I don't like to lend money, but you've got an honest face..." holds up a
twenty-dollar bill...the Sergeant grabs the twenty, crushing Ren's hand...the
feeble hand falls away, and the bill catches fire...then you cut to the outside
of the mess hall, and the back door to the kitchen...you truck in, you see thes
GIGANTIC MOUNTAINS OF POTATOES, you truck in as the mountains of potatoes move
aside, and there's Ren and Stimpy, anxiously peeling potatoes, Stimpy looks over
at Ren with a look of dissa...he's not MAD at Ren, he doesn't really get mad,
but there's a look of disapproval on his face, and he turns to Ren with his
potato peeler and says with a sort of threatening voice: "Hey Ren, you better do
as the Sarge says or you'll get us both in a lot of trouble!" Ren: gulp...he's a
little worried...fade out, fade in...you see the sign that says "TEAR GAS ROOM".
You truck out and you see this little room there, and they're standing there,
looking up at the sign, Ren reads it: "Tear Gas Room. Hm." and they start to
sniff <snif snif snif>, mmmmm! they don't like the smell of that, no sir! Pee
yoo! And Ren says: "I tell you man, there's nothing could get me in there!"
<whistles> starts walking away...and <bump!> they bump into each other and they
look, and there's the Sarge, big fat sarge sittin' on a cannon...no way...he
holds up his meaty fist, points out his finger and they whip
around..."Heheheheh!"...they go marchin' back to the thing, and they got their
gas masks on, they go in the tear gas room, <BOOM> the door slams, and they're
standing in there, with the gas masks on, and the room is full of, like, ripe
cheese and suddely over the loudspeaker you hear the sarge's voice: "REMOO
MASS!" so they whip the masks off...they're just standing around, the waft and
the stink starts going into Stimpy's nose, and <sniiif> he gets a whiff of it,
and he starts to break down, and "hwaaaaaaaaahhhh!" and his eyes are like on two
geysers, dangling out and bouncing up and down, and he starts running around,
insanely crying, and he zips out of the scene...Ren's like being
cool...<whistles>...he walks out...stimpy's crying, he's out of control, snot's
flying and he's crying and stuff...he turns to Ren and says: "Hey, how come
you're not crying?" Ren holds up his finger, nods...<pwaaaaaaah!> "I cheated! I
held my breath!" Ren says: "Boy, Stimpy, you're such a knucklehead! Listen you
moron -- I'm smart and I know how to get around the big dope, the Sarge! Stick
with me, kid, I know where I'm going in life! He starts to walk off
and...<KLONNNG!> he gets hit in the face with this huge cannon, and he pulls his
face out and it's like, you can tell his face has been in it because his nose
looks like it's been inside the cannon...wider shot and you see The Sarge and
he's sittin' tightly packed in the top of a tank and the cannon's aimed at 'em,
he starts screaming at 'em: "HEBOWW..." and you see the end of the cannon and
his fist comes out of the end of the cannon pointing...<ooink!> "...PACE!" So
they turn around and they go back in the tear gas room, slam, they have to
breathe the stink more...then there's Ren and he's in the kitchen and they're
peeling waterleons now...and you truck over and there's Stimpy [sad voice] and
he's taking big chunks outta the watermelon...you fade out, fade in, and you see
'em in the distance, silhouetted, and they're trudgin' along, it's cold and
dreary and they're in the mud and they got GIGANTIC HEAVY PACKS on their back,
and they're trudgin' through the mud and sweating profusely...Ren starts to lose
it, he can't hold anymore and he's quivering and quivering and the sweat's
flying and PLOP! he falls down right on his face in the mud, and he struggles to
get up [squidgy sounds] "uuuhuhuhuhhhrgg!" <PLOP!> he goes back down in the mud,
and he screams for help: "Stiiiimpy!"...then you see Stimpy, he's trudging
along, and you start to pan up <vreeeeep> and now Ren's pack is on top of
Stimpy's pack, and Ren's on top of both packs taking a nap...he's sunning
himself...<whistles>...relaxing...you cut to a closer shot of stimpy, and he's
stopped and resting, wiping his brow..."Whew!", and you see the mud in from of
him going <bloop bloop blup> and this weird hat shape starts to rise up out of
the mud...you cut to Ren laying on top of the packs, he says: "All right! Rest
period's over! C'mon, let's get a move on!" he says "Do you hear me, stupid?"
and you see in from of him, it starts to rise up...it's this weird muddy
shape..."I said, let's get going!" It's the sarge, he's all caked with mud, he
turns around and says "You don't wanna anger that big dopey Sarrr..." and he
looks and he like sees the sarge and his finger droops down and his face droops
down and his ears implode into his head and his eyes start to poke out and they
go <brrrOOOOooo> and then his whole head flies off of his skeleton and his brain
comes exploding out of the top of his head and his tongue comes flying out of
his mouth and these huge swollen eyes come out with the tendrils flying off the
back of 'em and the skin off his skull just sloughs off...so you cut to Stimpy's
trudging along in the mud again, you cut to a real close-up of Ren trudging
along and there's a wide shot and he's got the big fat sarge on his back and
he's really struggling and shaking...leter that night, you see the inside of the
bunkhouse and you see Ren and Stimpy, they come draaaaging in, and they're
exhausted and they're tired and they're sweaty and they can barely move, you see
all the sleeping soldiers in their bunks, happily sleeping, and they sit down
and Ren says, "Man, my dogs are killing me!" he struggles, takes on boot off
<thwock>, struggles, takes the other boot off <thwock> and all these waft marks
come up <hssss> it's like stinking like crazy..."Boy, it sure feels good to get
those boots off!" and you show his feet and he's huge, swollen, balloon-like
human feet, Stimpy says "You said it!" and he's got huge swollen balloon-like
feet...so you pan across, you see Ren is in his bed, he's ready to go to sleep
and so's Stimpy, they've said good night to each other, and Ren juuust starts to
doze off and suddenly: "bap BAP ba-da-bap ba BAP ba-da-bap ba BAP ba-da-bap bap
BAAAAA da!" and he jumps up and he's screaming "bwwaaaaaah!", he zips back down
and he's sitting on the ground and he's like all woozy and affected by it, and
his eyeballs are really bloodshot, and he tries to stand up, and that's it, he
can't take it anymore, and he starts cackling, he's like "bWwwwAAh HAah
HAhahaAHA!", he's out of control, spit's flying out of his mouth...he reaches
offscreen real quick, comes back with an axe -- he's completely insane now! He
looks around: "Ah, my bed!" <CHUNK! CHUNK! CHUNK!> he starts chopping his bed to
bits with this axe....that's as far as I got! [indicates boards] But basically
what happens is, he chops his bed to bits, and then suddenly you hear
"ATEN-SHUP!" and he's like frozen in place and he looks over, there's the big
mean sarge, right, you look over, and there's Stimpy next to his bed, perfectly
ready for inspection, his bed's made, he's got his uniform on, and there's Ren
standing there, his bed chpped to bits, 'course you know they're in trouble
now...so then, you cut to now they're in the kitchen again, and they're peeling
H-bombs. And Ren can't take anymore, he's like...[cracking voice]
"Stimpy...I...I can't take it anymore...the Sarge is driving me crazy...if he
comes in here one more time, I'm just gonna...I don't know what's gonna
happen..." Suddenly the door was <kaTHUMP> it's the Sarge, he comes in: haaaaa
like this, and they know they've had it now, and he goes: "YEEEEWWWW....Have
GRADUATED! Congratulations! You're full-fledged tank paratroopers now!" and they
go "Stimpy! We made it!" they're so happy...cut to the next shot and you see 'em
inside their tank and they're so happy, and they've got really cool helmets with
wings on 'em and big epaulets and lots of medals, and "Stimpy! We made it! We're
tank paratroopers! We're not failures! We're a success!"...and then you cut to
the outside of an airplane, and the back end opens up <nyyrrrrp> and all of a
sudden you see this guy pushing a tank out...<wssssssh> and the tank's falling
thousands of miles an hour while flak explosions are going off all over and a
little tiny parachute holding it up, you see an A-bomb explosion in the
distance..the end. 
Newsgroups: alt.tv.ren-n-stimpy