From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Subject: Re: Letter from home (long)
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 21:01:00 GMT

In article <BxEwFs.CAE@twwells.com> anon-1326@twwells.com ([nickname]) writes:
>Hi again out there in ASAR-land.  I told you that I got a letter from my dad,
>and I decided to post the letter to the net.  I cut some of it out because it
>had to do with other things besides myh parents' relationship.  My comments
>are in brackets; I've also deleted the names and put them in brackets too as
>usual to protect my identity.
>
>2 November 1992
>
>Hi [Captain]!
>
>Please do me a favor and read the entire letter.  It's not meant to be
>judgmental or critical, nor to inflict any pain.  It's just that my
>letter-writing skills are not on par with yours.
>
>[My first thought here was that my dad was trying to put my on a guilt trip
>for going to one of the top colleges in the country while my dad never even
>went to college.  Read on, though.]

I think it's just low self-esteem, apologizing for not being "good
enough".  A lot of us do that.

[rest of letter deleted for bandwidth]

My heart goes out to your dad.  He tried everything he could think of,
and nothing worked - that must have been so incredibly frustrating.
And to have the guts to admit that he tried and failed, and made
mistakes, serious ones...  that took a lot of courage.  I wonder how
things would have gone for your dad if he had ever gotten the kind of
help and support he deserved.  The kind I've been getting from asar...


>Well!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My dad was far more understanding than I
>ever thought (or hoped) he would be.  One thing scared me, though.  In a part
>of the letter I deleted, my dad said that he still loves Mom and wants her to
>get better.  He admitted, though, that he knew that wouldn't happen.  I fear
>that he may, deep down inside, still be in denial.  The way I see it, he
>still wants to be with my mom, and isn't accepting the fact that she won't
>change.  I mean, he said he already stood up to her once a few months ago,
>and that didn't work.  Yet he still wants her to change.  (By the way-- I'll
>just have to take my dad on his word about this.  I'm not really on speaking
>terms with my brother considering the fact he molested me; when I wrote my
>brother a letter about this, he didn't answer it, instead, he just started
>treating me like even more of a persona non grata.)
>
>After having read this letter, I feel that the only solution for my parents
>is to get a divorce.

I understand that you feel this way, but you must respect the fact
that it is your dad's decision.  Only he can decide what he wants to
do with his life, and if he chooses to keep trying with your mom,
that's up to him.  Maybe your mom had a physical condition that causes
he to become irrational (I wondered especially after reading about
your brother being the same way).  Or maybe your dad is hoping for a 
miracle.  I hope for his sake that he gets one.  Maybe they have good
times, every once in a while... or maybe the memories of the good
times they once had are enough, and keep his hope alive...  maybe he
subconsciously feels like it's all his fault somehow...  I hope you
can find it in yourself to support him in his decision, even if you're
*positive* he's wrong.  I think it would mean a lot to him.


>
>My counselor wanted me to schedule an appointment with him once I got a reply
>from my dad.  I've been thinking about it, and I really don't want to have
>another appointment with him.  I'm sure everybody out there who reads this
>newsgroup regularly knows that my counselor violated my confidentiality, and
>I don't want to trust him with any of this.  Indeed, about the only thing I
>want to do is rip my counselor's head off for having violated my
>confidentiality.

Yeah, sounds like time for a new counselor.  My experience is that you
have about a 50/50 chance of finding a good one each time - I hope
your next one is *much* better.

I wish I could send your dad an e-hug...
-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)