From: anon-1357@twwells.com (Silver Tiger)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Blackness & guilt
Date: 8 Nov 92 07:57:32 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


The first, and hardest, thing that I had to get past was the guilt.
In fact, I was ready to forgive anyone anything.  I was the lowest
person ever.  At one time I said I would die for anyone, if given
the chance.  How could I let this happen to me?

Think of how much control you had as a youth, or child.  You looked
up to authority.  I thought I had a happy childhood until I left
home, and realized that you don't have to live near your abuser. It's
alright to hate your abuser.  It's alright to forgive them too, if it's
for the right reasons.  

I'm trying to stay away from saying "YOU SHOULD DO THIS" because nobody
can tell you what you have to do.  You can be guided, but you cannot
let someone make your decisions for you.  there is no One way to heal.
I just want to help you.

It's also alright to post to asar and write totally babbling, nonconnected
sentences. (see above paragraphs.) :):):)

You are special.  You deserve so much more.  And because I do not want to
hurt you, or anyone else here, I give a spoiler warning right now.
The following is a statement of me on why you should not look to God to
blame you, and it gives many of my views on religion (I am agnostic,
but have some bad experiences with God.)  If you are secure with your
relationship with a deity, and don't wish to read any comments of mine,
feel free to bail out now.  If you think you can (logically) change my
mind, read on...

*SPOILERS*























Ok, look.  My view of God is like this.  If It exists, how could It let
this abuse go on.  "God protects the little children."  Right.  Sure.
At the time of my abuse, I believed in God.  I went to Bible camp.
I prayed every night.  I, too, thought God was punishing me.  I was
wracked by guilt.  As I grew older, I realized I had not done anything
wrong.  If there is a Supreme Being, It cannot be all-powerful, or it
would have prevented my abuse.  If it is not all-powerful, how can
it be the Supreme Being?  If we assume abuse is the fault of a Devil,
then how can a Devil be more powerful than an all-powerful God?

I have heard the argument of "It was a test for you."  Little seven year
old girls who love Jesus do NOT need to be tested.  Well, I'm sorry, but
if the test was to see if I would remain faithful, I guess I failed.
If you kick your dog and it comes panting back to you, you are not good..
the dog is silly. 

I would dearly love to be able to lean on a diety in times of loneliness
or need, but I cannot.  I have been betrayed too often.

Please do not get angry, if you read past the SPOILER, you were warned...
And please, argue rationally if you like!  I am willing to change my mind,
but only for some pretty good logic...

So, remember, you are not to blame.  Was the dog who was kicked by the man
to blame?  Or was it the man's fault?  Simple answer, but it takes so
long to realize it...I know, I am still realizing it slowly... I am
better than the scum of the earth, which is better...oh, and I know
I am better than Dan Quayle! :):):) No offense to anyone... Please tell me
if any of these comments hit you painfully.  This net has the possibility
for some good hard discussion, besides the wonderful support and e-hugs
that go on.

Troubled, hoping for poohbear, and wanting to help,

Silver Tiger



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