HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: Opinion/insight- becoming friends with an ""ex""
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 01:51:40 GMT

In article <26AUG92.16101082@vax.clarku.edu> mcohen@vax.clarku.edu writes:
...
>Eight years ago (in high school) I dated a young woman for a year.  First 
>serious relationship for each of us, etc, etc.  We broke up peacefully, but 
>six months later got in a HUGE fight.  Never spoke again after that.
>
>Several years later, a current friend of mine meets someone at a party.  They 
>become friends instantly.  Turns out this person is the same woman I dated 
>eight years ago.  As soon as my name is brought up (by my current friend, when 
>realizing we went to the same high school), she flips out and stops talking to 
>her.  
>
>As it turns out, my ex is now engaged to someone that works with another 
>friend of mine.  Through the link of common friends, I've learned she is still 
>so uncomfortable with my "existance" that she doesn't want to persue a 
>friendship with the woman she met at the party because she and I are (very 
>good) friends.  Apparently, whatever happened years ago is still bugging her, 
>to the point she still wants to avoid me at all costs.
>
>I find this just plain wrong.  I don't like to be at odds with anyone.  I feel 
>this is something "unresolved" that I would like to put to rest.  Bury the 
>hatchet, etc.  I'm trying to figure out a decent way of approaching the 
>situation, with a low risk of scaring her away (or getting our common friends 
>very involved).  My goal is to bring a peaceful end of seven years of (what 
>seems now like) a very silly fight.
>

I have not had an experience like this. I imagine that if I were in
such a situation I would feel like you do.  I have had situations
where I tried to 'bury the hatchet', and have found that addressing
the problem made both of us feel better, but didn't really make the
tension go away. 

I think you need to express yourself. If you think you can talk to her,
that might be good, but if not, someone else suggested a letter. This
seems a good suggestion, if she really is too uncomfortable to see you.
Tell her that your are sorry that there is this strain between you. 
Don't blame her for it, just make it clear that it is not what you
want.

Remember, even though she is giving you grief, she is probably more
upset over your breakup than you are. You want to be sensitive to this,
and avoid anything that suggests that you are trying to put things back
the way they were, or re-enact the breakup.

Michael.
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.romance.chat
From: smccoy@dw3g.ess.harris.com (Scott McCoy)
Subject: Re: The Shadowette....
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 12:07:28 GMT
Reply-To: smccoy@dw3g.ess.harris.com (Scott McCoy)
Organization: Harris Corporation Information Systems Division

In article <1992Aug27.203242.1@sscl.uwo.ca>, carl@sscl.uwo.ca (Carl
Kaufmann) writes:
|>
|>In article <c3cnhmf.tyger@netcom.com>, tyger@netcom.com (Kitty in
|>the Middle) writes:
|>> In article <1992Aug21.201756.1@vaxr.sscl.uwo.ca>
|>carl@vaxr.sscl.uwo.ca (Carl Kaufmann) writes:
|>>>
|>>>MEOW!
|>>>Cats are more romantic than dogs.  
|>> 
|>> I like you already! Welcome...:)
|>
|>Thanks for the welcome, Tyger.  <hug>
|>
|>The Shadowette has challenged me to prove that cats are indeed more
|>romantic
|>than dogs.  To that end I would appreciate any help you and our
|>fellow 
|>net.felines could muster.  TIA
|>
|>Many hugs to all.
|>
|><PURR>
|>

More than glad to help, but I *do* have a question...are there any
net.canines out there?  Cause if there ain't, then maybe we win by 
default????  :-)

---
Scott McCoy (Cheshire Cat)   Official Back Scratcher of the RFA
 
"Chesire Cat, which way ought I to go from here?", asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to go?", said the cat.
"I don't much care where...", said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.", said the Cat.
	(Alice in Wonderland)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.romance.chat
From: tyger@netcom.com (Kitty in the Middle)
Subject: Re: The Shadowette....
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 20:44:02 GMT
Organization:  Cuz I'm a Blonde!

In article <1992Aug21.201756.1@vaxr.sscl.uwo.ca> carl@vaxr.sscl.uwo.ca (Carl Kaufmann) writes:
>
>MEOW!
>Cats are more romantic than dogs.  

I like you already! Welcome...:)

>CatGuy

   Tyger

-- 
      Kristen Kohlbecker    And I would choose to be with you
      tyger@netcom.com      That's if the choice were mine to make   
                            But you can make decisions too
      A Tyger and a Lady    And you can have this heart to break 
 
                       
        
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: mblaser@nyx.cs.du.edu (Fox)
Subject: Thoughtful help required
Keywords: help
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 00:32:09 GMT

Question :

What do you do when the person you love is totally convinced you hate them
utterly and, as a result, interprets your every action as a way of jibing them?

Fox
--
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
  /\_/\ F   "It's refreshing to see a woman who dresses like a woman
  \O O/ O    and not how a woman thinks a man would dress if he dressed
   \o/  X    like a woman"  -  Harrison Ford  -  Working Girl
Xref: sparky alt.romance:11077 alt.romance.chat:17880
From: carl@sscl.uwo.ca (Carl Kaufmann)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.romance.chat
Subject: Re: The Shadowette....READ/NEW/FOLLOWUP
Date: 31 Aug 92 22:38:45 GMT
Organization: Soc.Sci.Comp.Lab., U.West.Ont.

In article <1992Aug31.190118.23258@odin.corp.sgi.com>, lana@magenta.corp.sgi.com (Lana Mountford) writes:
> In article <1992Aug27.203242.1@sscl.uwo.ca>, carl@sscl.uwo.ca (Carl Kaufmann) writes:
> |> The Shadowette has challenged me to prove that cats are indeed more romantic
> |> than dogs.  To that end I would appreciate any help you and our fellow 
> |> net.felines could muster.  TIA
> |> 
> 
> Why, what could possibly be more romantic than a soft purr in your lap? 
> What is more romantic than the feel of *soft* fur against your cheek, or
> the sight of a sleek animal stretching languidly in a pool of sunlight?
> What about a soft nuzzle under the chin, with a corresponding "chirp" to
> let you know that you are indeed appreciated?  What more proof is needed?
> :-)

Thanks Lana, you certainly have me convinced. :-)

CatGuy
*****************************************************************************
* See how the heart reaches *  Carl Kaufmann   * No one has to do anything, *
* out instinctively, for no * Soc.Sci.Comp.Lab * except bear consequences.  *
* reason but to touch.      *    U.West.Ont    *                            *
*       -Kate Bush          * carl@sscl.uwo.ca *       -Me                  *
*****************************************************************************
From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Friends First or Not?
Date: 31 Aug 92 16:49:54 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <+nsy-9q@rpi.edu> petitc@rpi.edu writes:
>
> Is it better, in your opinion, or not, to be friends before dating?  On the
>one hand, if you're friends first, you know a lot more about the person, but
>(s)he will get too comfortable with your friendship, and will tend to find it
>harder to love you.  On the other hand, if you date first, you may not know a
>lot about the person, but at least you're "used to" dating each other.
>
It sounds like you understand the problem pretty well already. 

As for being "used to" dating someone because you dated first, let me
tell you there is a down side to this: it won't make it easier to go
from dating to the next step. When you try to get to know someone
by dating them (sometimes your only option), often the relationship
gets stuck at this point.

I think what you need to do is figure out as well as you can what you want
from the relationship, and aim for that. I think you want to put off dating
as long as you are moving in the right direction, because it will be easier
to get to know the other person, and you will be building a solid base for
a deeper relationship. 

One hint on this is that if you are getting to know someone before
dating them, you should be projecting an ambiguous attitude towards
where you think the relationship should go. This is not really being
misleading, because even if you think you know for sure where you want
the relationship to go, it is too early to be sure. If it is getting
hard to keep up the ambiguity, it is probably time to think about
dating.

Disclaimer: Of course, there are other reasons to start dating other
than you running the risk of being 'only' friends when you would 
rather be closer. As someone with a full time job in industry, 
my experience is that it is unusual if I have the chance to get
to know someone outside work at anything more than a superficial
level unless I make arrangements to see them. And some people
are very comfortable dating 'as friends', and so for them there
is not really a distinction between dating and being friends.


Michael.
Xref: sparky alt.romance:10993 alt.romance.chat:17657
From: jorichar@csws19.ic.sunysb.edu (Joel Richard)
Subject: Re: Looking for help
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 16:38:05 GMT

jholtgra@afit.af.mil (Jeremy C. Holtgrave) writes:
>burger@convex1.tcs.tulane.edu (The Rodman) writes:
>>ejs@sybase.com (gator fodder) writes:
>>>frank@rniwi.rni.sub.org (Frank Mogaddedi) writes:
>>>>So tell me, what would be good ways to start?
>>>>Or is the rumor right, that you'll never find anybody while you're
>>>>looking? If that's the truth, I'm looking forward to a _really_ lonely
>>>>future :-(
>>>>
>>>>So, dear netland, what are your opinions? How does one 'look without
>>>>looking'?
>>>
>>>The rumor is true in my experience.  Whenever I went looking I was
>>>invariably disappointed.  Eventually I gave up and decided to be happy on
>>>my own, and I met someone almost immediately.
>>>
>I think the original poster has an important point, which is it is
>possible to try too hard.  While there's alot to be said for taking
>matters into your own hands, sometimes the best thing to do is just relax
>and not worry about it.  The trick is knowing the balance between the
>two.
>
>Jeremy

Someone once told me that before you can love someone else, you must first
love yourself.

Be happy with who you are and don't pull yourself down in self pity. People 
who see a person who is (so to speak) in love with him/herself will see the
'good vibes' that you have and they will be attracted to that. 

--Joel
-- 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Joel Richard                    ||   <Insert cute/significant saying here>  |
|INTERNET jorichar@ic.sunysb.edu ||    <Or insert neat ASCII picture here>
|BITNET   jorichar@sbccmail      ||    <Better yet, don't insert ANYTHING>   |
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.romance.chat
From: smccoy@dw3g.ess.harris.com (Scott McCoy)
Subject: Oops  (was Re: The Shadowette....)
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 21:44:24 GMT
Reply-To: smccoy@dw3g.ess.harris.com (Scott McCoy)
Organization: Harris Corporation Information Systems Division

Sorry for the semi-duplicate post.

My newsreader crashed during the first, and
so I tried to recreate the post the second
time...so now, you got both!

[...mortified...fading quickly...]

---
Cheshire Cat		   Official Back Scratcher of the RFA
 
"Chesire Puss, which way ought I to go from here?", asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to go?", said the cat.
"I don't much care where...", said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.", said the Cat.
	(Alice in Wonderland)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: searthro@nyx.cs.du.edu (Simon Earthrowl)
Subject: LJBF a poll please
Summary: a poll for LJBFed and LJBFed
Keywords: LJBF
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 18:47:39 GMT


In the series of articles on LJBF, I noticed that it was mostly men who
where expressing a view point. I was wondering, from a purely academic
standing, whether women had been LJBFed. If so, how did they feel ?
*muses* I wonder if its only related to men ?

I propose a poll - I'll moderate (if I get any answers), as to:

a) Do only men get LJBFed ?

b) Do women handle LJBFing better than men ?

c) Does anyone care anyway ?

I speak as someone who has been LJBFed, and has LJBFed. What is more
I'm not sure there is a *best* way to LJBFing - it just hurts!!!!  Oh
in deference to women, I have used the term men not male, to those who
despise spinless wimps etc as *not* men, change your reply to what you
think as appropriate - in the summary I'll post the best ones :-) or
your money back....

-SimonE

Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: cadesjar@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu (Curtis Desjardins)
Subject: Re: A Piece of Advice
Keywords: and a warning
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 18:53:05 GMT

In article <chil.715511125@sfu.ca> chil@fraser.sfu.ca (Keith Lim) writes:
>cadesjar@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu (Curtis Desjardins) writes:
>
>>Granted, those three words can change the outlook two people can have on
>>their relationship, and yes, SOMETIMES people are not emotionally ready
>>for that kind of change, but more often than not the relationship grows
>>into something special, whether that be as best friends or as lovers.
>                                            ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Out of curiosity, I'd like to know whether you feel the two ("best friends"
>and "lovers") are mutually exclusive. Is it not possible for a person to
>be both?

Of course it's possible. My reply above was just to demonstrate a point.
The mutual exclusivity of best-friends/lovers all depends on the person
and the situation/relationship. In other words, it varies.

A lover SHOULD be your best friend, but may not be if all you're in it
for is the sex. And everyone knows that a best friend usually doesn't
mean lover. It all depends, and isn't by any means mutually exclusive.

>Keith_Lim@sfu.ca   Simon Fraser University, Burnaby B.C., V5A 1S6, Canada

========================= Fluffy the Wonder Bunny ============================
    Donkey Hodey of the RFA (nowadays the ARC Wallflower & Netnews Lurker) 
==============================================================================
  "A present from the heart: I'm not here because I'm supposed to be here,
    or because I'm trapped here, but because I'd rather be with you than
     anywhere in the world."   -- Richard Bach, "Bridge Across Forever"
================== cadesjardins@descartes.waterloo.edu =======================
 Hi! I am a .signature virus. Copy me into your .signature and join the fun!
From: jxh@math.ksu.edu (James C. Hu)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Friends First or Not?
Date: 30 Aug 1992 01:31:31 -0500
Organization: Dept. of Mathematics, Kansas State University
NNTP-Posting-Host: hilbert.math.ksu.edu

petitc@vccnw02.its.rpi.edu (Christopher Jon Petit) writes:

> Is it better, in your opinion, or not, to be friends before dating?  On the
>one hand, if you're friends first, you know a lot more about the person, but
>(s)he will get too comfortable with your friendship, and will tend to find it
>harder to love you.  On the other hand, if you date first, you may not know a
>lot about the person, but at least you're "used to" dating each other.

Hello everybody!  How are we today?  How are those classes going?
How's the job?  How are the wife and kids?  What have you been doing
lately?

(I always seem to begin letters with a barage of questions, so I
figure why should a net post be any different? :-)

My answer to the question would depend on what you mean by dating.  Do
you usually ask a complete stranger out on a date?  Is this common
practice?  I don't think I could ever bring myself up to it.  I think
I would have to have at least cursory knowledge of a person before I
would ask her (I'm male, the hell with PC :-) out on a date.  Thus,
the date would more or less have the purpose of becoming better
friends, not romance.

What is the usual way of meeting people?  I would have to think group
activities would be the way to meet particular individuals.  After
getting to know someone in a group setting, it is easier then to move
into a "date".  I would certainly never "date exclusively" with anyone
less than a friend.

Of course, this is just my opinion.  I would love to see what other
people have to say about this...
-- 
James C. Hu (jxh@math.ksu.edu), 1804 Denholm Dr., Manhattan, KS 66502
"If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it
isn't, it ain't.  Thats logic." - Lewis Carroll
Opinions expressed are mine.  Let me know if they are someone else's.
From: pm3_norr@csd.brispoly.ac.uk (Paul Norris)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Vacation..all i ever wanted...
Date: 26 Aug 92 12:10:08 GMT
Organization: Bristol Polytechnic, England


}> jmwise@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Ms. Johanna Wise) writes:
}>}Most romantic place?
}>}I have always thought Greece, but 
}>}I am going to London in about 12 weeks and
}>}that may change my opinion :-) .

I suggested:
}>London's alright I suppose, IF you like big, noisy, dirty cities.
}>Are you going to have time to take a look around the rest of the country?
}>Wales is good - mountains, valleys, celtic legends...

Martyn observes:
}...and it's near to Bristol ;-)

Shucks, seen through again!  [kicks nearest tin can in frustration]

Actually the bits I was thinking about are Mid/North Wales - at least three
hours drive away from here...

Paul


-- 
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
                                            --  Charlie Brown
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: fantasies
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 18:41:57 GMT

Frank Mogaddedi (frank@rniwi.rni.sub.org) wrote:

: >Well, it's the thought of my warm body hitting that cooooold snow before
: >she can distract me enough for it not to matter... :)
: 
: Ed, I guess you just have to be distracted enough _before_ you hit the
: snow.  I'm quite certain that this can be accomplished quite easily :-)

Are you offering, Frank? :) :)

I'll tell you what I told a guy in San Francisco:  "You may have your mother's
features, but you still have your father's fixtures!" :)
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.romance.chat
From: george@tessi.com (George Mitchell)
Subject: Re: Part Two of "Dryads' Dailiness"
Keywords: Nymphette	
Organization: Test Systems Strategies, Inc., Beaverton, Oregon
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 20:12:17 GMT

jlane@Ingres.COM (Judi Lane) bemoans her fate:
>  ---> Well, there goes my last chance at innocence! 8^)

What better place than a.r.c, what better group of people, could
you have chosen for this momentous event!

(And by the way, if we're talking about "Dryads' DAILINESS" here,
where's today's installment??)

-- George (DoubleDoubleToilAndTrouble) Mitchell (george@tessi.com)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: michael@gandalf.moria (Michael Haardt)
Subject: Re: LDR
Reply-To: u31b3hs@pool.informatik.rwth-aachen.de (Michael Haardt)
Organization: An old and gray machine, somewhere in Moria.
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 92 22:44:13 +0100

In article <1992Aug28.160958.6751@spc.nl>, stefan@spc.nl (Stefan Posthuma) writes:
> Wow, that's only a two hour drive. My love lives about 12 hours flying away.
> Some guys have all the luck :-)

Hmm, Albany in Oregon,USA to Aachen in Germany is similar.

> So tell me, who's got the most long distance LDR? I live in Holland and she
> lives in Guatemala. Do I deserve a prize for this?? ;-)

You already have it.  I would call it love, if that is what you feel towards
her.  If *that* isn't a prize, than what else is?  Oops, perhaps that is the
answer to that "What is love?" thread ... :)

> Seriously, it's hard. Very hard. But 'it' is definately present. Love, caring,
> you know what I mean. Christmas is slowly nearing, my time to fly again....
> There must be more people with LDR's where the D is immense. Email me, I like
> to talk about it. What do you do when ten minute phonecalls cost a fortune
> and letters take about two weeks to reach each other?

Oh yes!  But I don't complain, because I am happy in love and next year we
will meet again, hopefully preparing her to move over.

> I think the best thing you can do is send a small gift box full of goodies,
> little funny things, nice postcards, some photos, a letter, that kind of
> stuff. Sometimes a fax, phonecalls are short and very expensive.

Yes, let your fantasy play.  We have the advantage to talk on IRC each day.
(for those who know, it is that #OurHome channel you probably see always :-)

> A sometimes suffering but very optimistic LDR 'victim'....

Good! Stay optimistic and let the sun shine whenever you can :)

Michael
From: ANNE@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Flirting (was: Re: LJBF again)
Date: 3 Sep 92 02:02:28 GMT
 <1992Sep2.011052.24473@jetsun.weitek.COM> <1992Sep2.185040.23369@bnr.co.uk>
Organization: Stanford Linear Accelerator Center

In article <1992Sep2.185040.23369@bnr.co.uk>, dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
says:
>
>1. Flirting is a wondeful entertainment that helps to make life worth living.
>2. Flirting is a pain in the butt by giving confusing, ambiguous messages.
>
>These are interwoven, of course! But the main realisation between us was
>that flirting only works if you are *sure* it is *mutual*. Too many people
>don't put any thought into ensuring this -- which in any case, would take
>all the fun out of it of course!

In fact, this is the reason why many people who are already "taken" flirt.
Because (in most cases) you can assume that if the person who's flirting with
you already has someone else, then they are flirting for entertainment
purposes only.  I suppose there are those cases where the taken person is
looking for action on the side, but I suspect those are in the minority.

Lee Anne
From: tdbear@tandon.com (Tom Barrett)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Shyness - Re: Second Chances
Date: 1 Sep 92 00:58:23 GMT
Organization: Tandon Corporation, Moorpark, CA

In article <Btoty3.B6p@newcastle.ac.uk> I.A.Inman@newcastle.ac.uk (Ian Alexander Inman) writes:
>1) I am scared stiff I'll be rejected.   This may seem bit silly, because
>   people ask for dates every day, and get turned down.   They are not
>   affected, so why should I be.

Believe that they *are* affected... otherwise the person of
their desires means nothing to them except a quick date.  The
attitude you need to develope is that just because someone
says "no" it doesn't detract from your self-esteem.  That old
corny saying is true afterall: "Just because you exist, you
are special; You are special just because you exist."  Which
means having someone say no has absolutely no effect on who
you are... of course, you might want to show pride in who you
are by how you look and handle yourself :)

Why not get involved with special interest groups which you
would enjoy (some even have singles sub-groups).  Groups like
volunteer service orgs, hiking/camping, bowling, etc. are a
great way to really get to know people and be "grounded"
enough around them not to worry about going up to that item of
desire to ask for a date.



-- 
Tom Barrett (TDBear)    tdbear@tandon.com          voice: 805-378-6207
Tandon Corporation      609 Science Drive          Moorpark, CA  93021 
Sr. HW Design Engineer  "War is Peace, No is Yes, And We're All Free!" 
-=>NOTE:  The feed to tdbear@tandon.com may be interrupted in Sept.<=-
Newsgroups: alt.romance