From: kapa@cbnewsc.cb.att.com (k.a.perkins)
Subject: Re: Family:  2 or 3 Children?
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 04:29:03 GMT
Summary: my experiences in a 3 child family

In article <5330001@hpsad.sad.hp.com>, gregs@hpsad.sad.hp.com (Greg Stone) writes:
> I'd like to solicit opinions from you folks about two vs three child families.
> My wife and I are in gridlock about whether or not to add a third child to
> our family.  We've got a 26 month old son, and a 5 month daughter.
> I'd like to get a look at this
> decision from the childrens' point of view.  How would adding another child
> to our family make the situation for the existing two kids better or worse? 

Well, I never considered the point of view of the oldest 2 kids. Since
I am the youngest of 3. I always thought their lives were vastly
improved by my existence.  :)  I loved being the youngest.  It's true
that I sometimes couldn't do stuff because I was too little, but I
had my older siblings' interactions with my parents to watch, and I
learned from their mistakes.  My brother acted out and made trouble,
my sister was scared off by it and was afraid to cause a fuss, and I
struck a balance between them.

However, I think it was really a mixed bag for them.  My oldest sibling
is a boy (5 years older than I) and the other is a girl (14 months older
than I).  For my brother, it was mixed because my sister and I tended
to play together more and shut him out when we were kids.  We lived on
a farm without nearby neighbors, so that was more of a factor.  On the
other hand, we really looked up to him, and when we played together, he
definitely had a lead role in the games. 

My sister claims that she remembers me coming along and taking her
mom's attention away from her.  I think it was hard on her to be in
the middle - she was very quiet and passive, at least on the surface,
and to this day, it is hard for her to assert herself within the family.
I don't know what she would have been like as the youngest of 2 - I
think it bothered her that I had more privileges than she did when we
were in high school, and if I had not been there, it wouldn't have
bothered her so much.  On the other hand, my parents were at fault in
this situation, too - they could have managed to do more for her.
I think they had a lot of things to take care of in their own lives
and just weren't aware at the time of how things were working out for
her.  I tended to be more outgoing and assertive, and as a result, I
got more of the opportunities that I wanted.  Since she was quiet, they
just let it slide.  Now that she and I are in our 30's, those conflicts
are pretty much resolved, and it is a comfort to me to have a sister
who remembers the same things that I did and will be around as our
parents get older.  About 16 years ago, the conflicts between my
brother and society, especially my dad, got to be too much, and he went
out for a ride and didn't come back.  He lives
on the west coast, hasn't been back to the family home in the midwest
since, and it was only a few years ago that he allowed my parents to
visit him.  So, I guess one advantage of 3 kids is that if one of them
decides to never see you again, there are still 2 who will.

As far as the kids go, it really depends on the dynamics of the
individual family.  Is there enough time and attention to go around?
Can parents avoid playing favorites?  My brother was my mom's favorite,
and for a long time, I was my dad's favorite, so my sister was sort
of left out there, too.  I don't know that money is so important.
My family never had any money.

If you ask me, as 1 of 3, whether it would have been better to be 1 of 2,
I don't know if the answer is meaningful because my opinion is affected
so much by how my individual situation turned out.  That is probably
your answer, too, that it depends on how things turn out.  I do know
families with 3 kids now, and how the kids feel about the situation
varies by the year.  Sometimes, they're great playmates, and other
times the younger ones are great bothers to the older ones.

I actually don't think you get anywhere having another kid to make your
other kids happy.  It's more important to make yourselves (you and
your wife) happy.  This is your life, too, and your decision, so they
don't get either the opportunity or the responsibility of making it.

By the way, we've decided that 2 kids is the limit of our resources.
Kent has 5 brothers and sisters, and I have 2.
Kate Perkins
Newsgroups: misc.kids