From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: What is healthy and "normal"?
Date: 4 Jan 1993 04:38:28 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

pooder@msus1.msus.edu writes:

>As someone who was abused and has remembered and dealt with some of the
>issues surrounding my abuse, I still have one basic question that I am
>very unsure of.  Will I *ever* have a healthy sex life?  Or, do I have
>one already?  (Do I sound confused?  Well, I am.)

i don't know.  i do know, however, that you *can* have a healthy sex life.
it's not outside the realm of possibility.  i'm pretty sure i've got one, and i
share a lot of the things you talk about in your post.

>My sexual mind is filled with all manner of Sado-masochistic fantasies
>that mostly prevent me from making love and feeling tender and close.

sounds familiar.  but i realized a while back that what i liked to fantasize
about and what i was willing to do with someone else were different things.  i
am not willing to hurt someone else or scare them during sex.  maybe my
solution is imperfect, but what i do is keep the naughty stuff to myself.  when
i'm alone i will indulge in all sorts of fantasies.  but when i'm with my
partner i try to keep my mind focused on the here and now.  i'm not sure what i
can recommend to teach yourself to be tender and close.  i guess just practice.
i think that contioning has a great influence on what turns someone on.  so
with practice (alone or not) you can condition yourself to be more tender and
gentle.  

[ stuff removed ]

>I spent the hours from midnight 'till 3 a.m. last night reading 
>alt.sex.bondage and alt.sex.stories getting more and more aroused, but
>wishing the posts there were more hard core.  For a while I felt, "Ah, 
>*this* is where I fit in," but after the arousal wore off all I felt
>was dirty and used.  

that too sounds familiar.  i try to keep in mind that none of it is real, and
none of it is stuff that i would actually do.  for one thing, i'd be way too
scared of doing a lot of the stuff written about on alt.sex.stories.

>What is normal *healthy* sex supposed to be?

healthy sex is whatever a) feels good for those involved that is b) engaged in
freely by all those involved, and c) doesn't cause injury.  i really believe
this is true, too.  even if you and your partner are into ropes and handcuffs,
that can be healthy so long as a, b, and c above are satisfied.  this, anyway,
is the concept of "healthy sex" that was presented in my human sexuality psych
class.  i think it makes a lot of sense.

>Is it possible to have
>after being abused as a child?  Will I ever feel aroused and tender
>at the same time with my lover?

yes, i think you will.  if that's what you want, and you're willing to invest
the effort in mentally re-training yourself as to what excites you.

>Has anyone else out there felt this way?

yeah.  here's some off-the-cuff suggestions which you might find helpful:
remove from your environment those things which are providing you with types of
stimulation you are trying to get away from.  if you have stacks of porno
magazines, get rid of them.  video tapes?  sell them off and take your
sweetheart out to a romantic dinner.  unsubscribe to alt.sex.bondage and/or
alt.sex.stories.  if you're into literature, try to find some gentler types of
erotica, and make sure that it is well written.  i find a lot of the stuff on
usenet to be unsatisfactory because it's so un-inspired.  even if it is
describing something completely and totally sexual, it's very hard to get
excited by it because it's written without any life to it, or sense of flair.
i get much more excited by well-written things even if they describe less
intense sex.  basically, replace the sorts of stimulation you're getting (and
feeling bad about) with the sorts of stimulation you feel you should be aroused
by.  like i said, i think that conditioning is a big part of it, so if you give
it long enough, those new types will sink into your brain and have their effect
too.
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