From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Crisis about the holidays
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 19:01:54 GMT

anon-1236@twwells.com (The Peaceful Warrior) writes:

>The holidays are coming up. As they approach,
>I'm forced to deal with something that I've been
>putting off dealing with. I thought maybe some
>of you might know what I'm going through...

>My mother wants my husband and I to come visit
>her and my stepfather for Christmas this year. I
>don't want to, but I told her that we would. Now
>I'm really having some trouble with my stupid decision.
>I've been in therapy for the past couple of months
>and have started remembering a lot of stuff that
>happened as I was growing up and don't want to
>have to face my mother and stepfather right now.
>I'm scared of them and the thought of
>spending Christmas with them terrifies me.

if you don't want to go, don't go.

>If I do go, I know that my mother will just treat
>me the same way she has always treated me and I'll
>end up in tears and feeling worthless and stupid.
>If I don't go, I'm afraid of the letters and phone
>calls I'll get telling me about how I've ruined
>everyone's Christmas and why can't I think of
>anyone other than myself.

you by no means have to submit to abusive treatment from your mother just
because it's christmas (nor for any other reason, i should add).  

you aren't going to be ruining their christmas by not going.  it is up to them
to make a good christmas for themselves, as it is up to you to do the same for
yourself.  you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness during the holiday
season so that they can pretend to have a real, functional family.

as for the letters and phone calls, you can stop those.  if she sends you a
letter, throw it out without opening it or mark it "return to sender" and stick
it back in the mail.  if she calls, hang up.  or as was mentioned, change your
number to an unlisted one.  or get an answering machine and screen your calls.
there are lots of things you can do to protect yourself from unwanted
communication by your mother.

>My mom and stepfather know I'm in therapy and
>think I'm stupid and crazy for it. I'm afraid
>that they will tell that to everyone at Christmas
>and everyone will hate me for talking about
>such private things with someone outside of the
>family.

again, that's their problem.  you're neither stupid nor crazy for getting into
therapy.  quite the contrary, in fact.  i would suspect that they only say that
because they don't want to admit that they were bad enough parents that their
children need therapy.  anyone who believes what they say about you is buying
into that and IMHO doesn't really deserve any of your time either.

>I really don't want to see either of them right
>now, but I don't know how to tell them that. I
>feel like the way I feel is wrong and that I'm
>hurting everyone and that I should just do what
>my mother says and just shut up. Whenever I call
>their house to tell them I don't want to see them,
>I just get all paralyzed and numb and end up
>agreeing to do whatever they ask me to do. It's
>like I don't really have a choice in things, because
>they're my parents and you should always do what
>your parents say, (like your parents are always right.)
>I know that this is not the way it is, that my parents
>are really not justified in doing what they do, (or
>what they have done) but
>my mind still thinks that I have to do what they say.

the way you feel is *not* wrong.  it's the way *you* *feel*.  how can that be
wrong?  they're your feelings, not your parents' feelings or anyone else's.  as
for telling them you're not coming, i can completely understand having trouble
doing that.  i have trouble telling *anyone* anything that i think they will
not like to hear.  so if you can't do it over the phone, send them a letter, or
just a postcard.  something as simple as "mom and stepdad, i'm not coming for
christmas.  i've decided that i will have a better christmas if i stay here
with my husband." should work.

>I know all this probably sounds really disjointed
>and stupid, but of anyone has any suggestions
>on this, I could sure use them...

no, it doesn't sound stupid.  it sounds very coherent, actually.  all i can say
besides what i've already said is this:  do what's best for you.  you don't owe
them anything.  you seem to know which choices will make you happiest, so take
them!

>Thanks,
>The Peaceful Warrior
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery