From: bear@tigger.cs.Colorado.EDU (Bear Giles)
Subject: Denial
Organization: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 06:10:32 GMT

This situation is odd, even for me.

Pam has said I would be a good husband and father.  No reservations.
She has also said she wants a strong marriage, kids, dogs, etc.

But, (skipping a _lot_ of details) she has such a low opinion of
herself that she refuses to believe that I (or anyone) would wish
to marry her.  She is so convinced that she is worthless that she
actually becomes quite upset when I insist otherwise.

Possibly related to this, when we went to Mexico last year she looked
forward to our talks.  She claims we didn't have any; I remember having
one talk and telling her that "it wasn't our time;" she kept making
statements in terms of an old boyfriend who had just gotten out of
prison.  (Boy, what Freud would make of that!)

Within a week of her returning to Dallas she had dumped the old
boyfriend and essentially moved in with someone she had just met.
She knew it was a mistake, but she was feeling so lonely that she
grabbed the guy because he was chasing her.  (Didn't learn this
until this weekend).

Perhaps she expected/wanted me to 'sweep her off her feet' and was
angry that I didn't... resulting in her latching onto the new guy?
She should have know that I value loyalty, and would _not_ be pleased
if she dumped her old boyfriend just because we went on a trip.  (If
she was going to dump him anyway is one thing, but I would never try
to 'seduce' someone from a relationship where she is happy).

She also kept her physical distance the entire time.  In fact, when
the Customs people seized the bird she had bought in Mexico (and which
Aero Califoria claimed could be exported back to the U.S.) she refused
even a "everything will be okay" platonic hug.

But that was at the end of the trip.  And she kissed me right before
her bus left.  When it was safe -- she had to leave (because of her
father was unexpectedly hospitalized earlier in the day of our return
flight) and she was leaving right then.

Damn.  During the trip last year I played everything as it lay.
An old boyfriend (who she has been hung up on for a _long_ time)
had just gotten out of prison and I gave her the room she said
(and _acted_ as) she needed... from me and her boyfriend.

But her comments this weekend... and a reexamination of events in
Mexico (and since) in a different light.  She lied through her teeth
to me, her old boyfriend, her new boyfriend (after the trip), and most
importantly to herself.  Then she wrapped everything up into nice
little 'strange loops' so nobody would catch on -- or figure out what
to do if they did.

No wonder she doesn't 'believe' that I could have more than a strictly
platonic interest.  She wants to believe, she is disparate to believe,
but is terrified that _I_ am only interested in her as a friend so
she is protecting herself in the only way she knows.

Justifable homicide.  There is no question that if I ever learn who
hurt her this badly that it would be justifable homicide.

At least I understand why she told me that if I was just playing a
'cruel joke' on her that she was damning me to Hell.  Or New Jersey,
whichever was worse.  (I do use humor a lot, but many of our
conversations would be _much_ too heavy otherwise).

It seems I've answered my own questions.  It won't be easy, but
Pam's 'true self' did reveal itself this weekend.  (More precisely,
she revealed where it was (behind a closed door in a bombed out
city -- Pam said that was a _very_ good description of how she
felt), asked me to open the door, and I did just long enough for
her to realize that I would shut it for her... but leave it unlatched
for her to reopen herself.  The entire marriage question came up
the next day -- from her.  (Her comments were _much_ more precise,
and direct, than mine)).


Bear Giles
bear@fsl.noaa.gov
Newsgroups: alt.support