From: egpv29@castle.ed.ac.uk (JHenderson)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Usenet Hell
Date: 2 Sep 92 11:21:58 GMT
Organization: Edinburgh University

Surfeiting on TV, I had a terrible nightmare last night. I was sitting at
a terminal, pushing back the frontiers of science, as usual, when the screen
went blank. I fiddled round with the switches, and then reached round the
back and fiddled with some cables. There was a dazzling flash, a blow on
my head and I felt myself falling down a deep well.

When I came round, I opened my eyes, and bending over me with an evil grin
was Brian^H^H^H^Heelzebub himself. "Welcome," he said, "you're in Usenet
Hell". He led me over to a terminal and I logged on. I started to read the
news and I realised that something was terribly wrong. The keyboard didn't
work properly, and only the space-bar functioned, so I had to read *all*
the articles.

First was eduni.general. I spent hours, or it could have been days, paging
through requests for information about where to get photos processed, and
adverts for flats to rent. I thought I was going mad, and then things took
a turn for the worse, and I watched as my fingers started posting an article
(Hey, I thought the keyboard didn't work!!) saying how great I think the
University Computing Regulations are, and how helpful all the guys in User
Support are, and how polite the guy at JCMB Job Reception is.

Moving on to comp.sys.mac.apps I saw that from now on, US software has been
crippled so it wont work in the UK, so we can't avoid being screwed by greedy
bastards at MacWarehouse UK.

A cold sweat was breaking out on my forehead when I got to uk.misc. As I
had feared there was a thread about tax relief for mortgages. Every article
had been written by Mike Holmes. I looked at the bottom of the screen as
I got to the tenth article and it said <more.....0.001%>. It took a super-
human effort (lucky I'm superhuman!!) to make it through, and then I
noticed a thread initiated by someone with a .sig file announcing his
horribly perverted sexual preferences to the world, complaining that he was
victimised on account of being a chocolate-stabbing, bum-banging mattress-
muncher. No!! it was an atack by those evil demons, the Usenet Hypocrites!!

Worse was in store on talk.politics.mideast. I found to my horror that I
was agreeing with the rabid Zionists ranting on about how Hashem gave Jews
the right to treat everyone else in the world like shit. Terrible Satanic
claws were reaching deep into my brain as I submitted an article about how
nice it is in Ansar 1 prison, and how all Arabs are basically evil.

On rec.bicycles I found that all the articles were quoting stuff from my
father. Amid swirling visions of penises, I forged on.

On rec.music.misc I felt like I was wading through an ocean of tar. I looked
at the screen and realised the cause of this sensation - a review of the best
1000 tracks by New Romantics, a compilation collection on 125 CDs, written
by Al Crawford.

Saving the worst for last I found myself reading alt.peeves. The first article
was about being chased by police while attending a Super-Gig at Stonehenge
organised by the Frustrated Hippies of Great Britain, and featuring a three-
hour set by Hawkwind. I looked at the signature and realised to my horror
that it was written by me!!! I thought I had a moment of respite when I saw
a posting by Al,  but instead of being a jolly rib-tickler about life in the
fast-lane of Penicuik (even in Hell you can feel happy that you're not living
in Penicuik!!), it was a self-important, pompous rant about how standards
of peeving are declining,and how everyone should follow the One True Crawford
Way and only post things that Al thinks are amusing. Shaken (but not stirred)
I read an article by Babs about incipient metasomatism in Ordovician
metabasites. I am appalled to find it interesting. But worse is in store.
The next article is also from Babs, but someone has showed her how to use the
scanner, and it's a gif file of TheStomach-ChurningNaughtyHolidaySnap from
her office wall. Narrowly avoiding a massive attack of reverse-peristalsis,
I move to the next article. It was submitted by the Chief Prosecutor in Rome
announcing that Claudio has been jailed for life on terrorism charges. Surely
nothing could be worse now. But wait - Geoff Miller has been Born Again.
Alexander Vrqwertyo has changed his name to Smith by deed-poll, Al in Oz
is appearing on Neighbours AND Home and Away, booter has had a sex-change,

With my last gasp I manage to hit "q" and the screen goes blank. I catch sight
of my reflection in the screen and see that I have changed into Tony
Cunningham. I woke up screaming.

-- 
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-Jeremy Henderson            |  Une souris verte
 egpv29@castle.ed.ac.uk	     |  Qui courrait dans l'herbe
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