From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Life is Shit Volume 2 *SPOILERS BIGTIME*
Date: 6 Sep 92 12:18:25 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hiho again...  Once again, the standard comment of thanks to everyone in
general by tolerating my presence as a love addict, rather than someone who has
experienced abuse directly.  And before I go any farther, it's time to
give the standard


           ****SPOILER WARNING****

Spoiler Topics Include:  More Suicidal Thoughts, More Anti-Depressants,
                         More Rejections, and more all around hatred of life.

(Not to mention lots of black humor dur to my sour mood...)

Actually, right now, I've managed to work my way almost out of this fucking
depression that kicked in at about 9pm.  (It's about 6am now.)  I'm actually
posting this as much for my friends who read ASAR as I am for myself.  That way
I don't have to deal with telling them in person.  God knows, I'm going to have
a hard enough time dealing anyways.  (I just took my first full-dosage of the
anti-depressants this morning.  (Or night, depending on how you want to look at
it.)  Graveyard shift is great if you want to have no social life.  Expecially
when the shit-eating shifts start at 8pm...

Tonight at work, I did something very stupid, and risked a jail sentance for. 
I called Teri at her home.  

(For those of you who don't remember my last post, Teri is a minor that I fell
in love with and Married.  (Not a legal arrangement.)  Things fell apart when
her parents (divorced) forcibly seperated us and threatened me with a jail
sentance...  Teri and I decided to meet again when she turns 18, and is
legal.)

Well, I contacted her, and asked if she had any of those dreams still.  "No. 
And you shouldn't be calling here." (Yeah, but I had to know if we were still
planning on meeting up in a couple of years!  I'm going insane over here!  It
was worse not knowing.  May I ask why?) "Because I've changed."

Ouch.  It looks like if I ended up killing myself when I decided to, it
wouldn't have mattered then.  That was the only thing that kept me alive this
long.

And on the other hand, my mother is trying to set me up with a nice female from
Church.  (My mother is still under the delusions that I'm Xitan instead of a
Pagan, no matter how bluntly I try to give her the reality of it.  I even went
so far as to tell her that I was ORDAINED as a Minister! (Mom: "That makes me
sick in the stomach after thinking of what your Grandfather and Uncle went
through!"  Me: "Well, I'm not doing the same thing as them!  I don't get up and
preach, but someone ha to have the credentials to perform the marriages and the
like...")  For some reason she still doesn't grasp anything about this...)

For that fact, how should I make the call to this person my Mom wants to set me
up with?  "Hello.  You don't know me, but my mother told me to call, because
she thought we'd make a cute couple.  Dispite the fact that I'm on the rebound
from hell, and don't know if I'm going to shoot myself sometime this week.  But
I thought I'd humor her and call anyways..."

BTW: Random thought, I just realized between this post and the last one how
innaproperiate my .sig was here, so I changed it...  It's amazing how a simple
quote can change meaning depending on where it stands alone...

Ahh well, that's chaper 2...  I'm gonna save Chaper 1.5 until a later time when
I feel a need to ramble about it, cause I know that time is going to come, it's
just a matter of when it hits...  God knows it hits me often enough...  Maybe
tommorow.

Maybe I'll find a reason to live.  I dunno.  I don't really care right now. 
The medicine just keeps my happy enough that I don't go ahead and axe myself. 
I wonder what my head shrinks (yes, plural) would say if they knew how close
I've been to doing that over this last month...  I don't really care about that
either.

Earlier tonight I tried calling a few friends from work when I found out about
Teri deciding that she wants no more contact from me.  I was almost completely
unsuccessfull.  Teach me to have a crisis late on a Saturday Night...  And
hell, when you're calling out to someone who's made you promise to call 'em if
you are about to go kill yourself, or you're just that bad off...  How the hell
do you ask "Excuse me, but do you have a few minutes to listen to my bitchings,
or should I knock myself off now?"  I usually leave it at "Hi...  Do you have a
few minutes?"  But then a number of my friends will answer honestly and say
"Well, I'm just heading out" (or whatever) and completely miss the fact that
I'm in lots of pain...  How am I supposed to respond to that?  "Okay, I'll see
ya in hell then... <BANG!>"  No thanks.  Don't want to leave someone with a
nasty consiouss, so I always am quiet, and just try the next person, if they're
home...

It's kinda funny...  Some of the people who are the most about if I live or die
are the ones who see the least of me.  (Due to distance, time schedule
conflicts, or what-have-ya...)

I said earlier on I'd shuttup now...  So I'll go ahead and do that.  Maybe
someday I'll be able to walk around without having to pretend that I'm Improv
Acting to keep my sorrows hidden from the rest of the world...

+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us |USnail:3 Danada Square E.|
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | Team Star Charter Member   |       Suite 246         |
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |       Wheaton, Il 60187 |
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|           Insert a very witty and thoughtful comment here...               |
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