From: rebeccal@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Rebecca S. Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: These are Jack Handy Quotes!! (FULL LIST)
Date: 8 Nov 92 01:19:13 GMT
Organization: Virginia Tech Computer Science Dept, Blacksburg, VA

Since everybody wants these, I managed to scam them off my roommate's
newsgroups:


                        Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind."  Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that
man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way.  We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a
coward.

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kind of scary.  I've wondered
where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down.  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.  When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that
says "You."  After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from trying to yodel right off.  You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she disin-
tegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there.  The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."  We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.  I guess some things never
leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks."  Martha said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."  I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and cried,
but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to
drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong,
though.  It's Hambone.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.  But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he
picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.

It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're sort
of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.


-- 
-----
Becky Lawrence                |  I saw you two days ago, I saw you 
rebeccal@csugrad.cs.vt.edu    | yesterday, I saw you today, but I 
VPI & SU                      | must see you tomorrow as well....