From: feirtag@i5120b.nrl.navy.mil (Fred Feirtag)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Help! What should I do? (Very long)
Date: 7 Oct 92 23:36:36 GMT
Distribution: world

In article <2927505459.3.p00139@psilink.com>, p00139@psilink.com (Raistlin Majere) writes:
|> >DATE:   6 Oct 92 15:43:00 GMT
|> >FROM:   POE <v119qkv2@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu>
|> >
|> > I have a problem.  I'm interested in a girl. . .
|> 
|> > She has mentioned to me that
|> > she really does not want to breakup with Him. . .
|> 
|> 
|> > We go out or talk on the phone together at least twice a 
|> > week.  These conversations usually center around Her problems with Him.  Also,
|> > She has stated (perhaps in anger or jest, but nonetheless) that She hates all
|> > men with the exception of me.
|> 
|> 
|> 	Stay out of the way. You're going to get hurt.
|> 
|> 	He ignores her. This is the key. He also seems to be kind of
|> 	a "bad boy" - this makes him doubly irresistable(sp). She 
|> 	is trying to make the "bad boy/lost puppy" love her. The more
|> 	he ignores her, and the worse he treats her - the more she'll 
|> 	cling to him. Take my word on this one - if you get mixed up
|> 	in this (any more than you *already* are) you are setting yourself
|> 	up for one big *OUCH*.
|> 	
|> > Should I forget about her and go on with my life?
|> > Should I throw all my cards out on table, tell Her how I feel about her
|> >        and tell Her she would be better off with me than Him?
|> 
|> 	Trust me. You might get to the point where she will go out
|> 	with you - but odds are (Oh please little "Lotto" wizard,
|> 	I bought three thousand tickets!) she will dump you at some
|> 	point and go running straight back to....<wait for it!>...HIM.
|> 	Do you value her as a friend? If you do, leave it alone.
|> 

Mike, Raistlin makes some extremely good points.  I would add some
others, though.  I see three options:

  Option #1)  Just let things keep going on as before.

     pluses:  It's easy.  You're used to it.
     minuses:  You may feel increasingly like a frustrated door mat.
               This may cost you your self respect.  This is an
               especially bad choice if it in ANY way limits your
               chances to find a real RP.  It sounds like this is
               the case--both time-wise and psychologically.

I'll assume you reject option #1.  Then you should realize that odds are
fairly high that Raistlin is right on the money.  But maybe he's wrong
in your case.  How will you feel in several years, if you haven't found
anyone nice, knowing that, when the chance was there for you, you didn't
even try?

I'd say that the courageous choices are options #2 & #3:

  Option #2)  Put them BOTH out of your life.  Find new friends.

There's a lot to be said for this option, but if you realize that no
situation or potential RP is going to be ideal, and that you're not
going to live forever, and that you're going to live a very limited
life, if you don't accept a reasonable level or RISK, then it's time
for option #3:

  Option #3)  Go for it!

Just be sure you consider her to be a good RISK, and realize that
if it fails, you must end at option #2.

                              Fred
-- 

                              |
Fred Feirtag                  |
Naval Research Lab, Code 5120 | "It is only through occasional failure
Washington, DC  20375         |  that we know we are taking risks."
feirtag@wave.nrl.navy.mil     |
(202) 404 - 8502              |  --Smart Women Foolish Choices
                              |
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat