From: coppinge8817@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Cheese
Date: 19 Nov 92 00:44:35 -0600
Organization: University of Northern Iowa




                        The "Cheese Shoppe" sketch
                -- starring John Cleese and Michael Palin
                        ----------++++++----------

(A customer walks in the door. There is a man in the corner playing the
bouzouki.) 
 
Customer:   Good Morning.

Owner:      Good morning, Sir.  Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer:   Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner:      What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer:   Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street
            just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and
            I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner:      Peckish, sir?

Customer:   Esuriant.

Owner:      Eh?

Customer:   'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner:      Ah, hungry!

Customer:   In a nutshell.  And I thought to myself, "A little fermented
            curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites,
            sallied forth, an infiltrated your place of purveyance to 
            negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner:      Come again?

Customer:   I want to buy some cheese.

Owner:      Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Customer:   Oh, heaven forbid!  I am one who delights in all manifestations 
            of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner:      Sorry?

Customer:   'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced too!

Owner:      So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer:   Most certainly!  Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner:      <lustily> Certainly, sir.  What would you like?

Customer:   Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?

Owner:      I'm... afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer:   Oh, never mind.  How are you on Tilsit?

Owner:      I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir,
            we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer:   Tish tish.  No matter.  Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of
            Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner:      Ah!  It's been on order, sir, for two weeks.  Was expecting it
            this morning.

Customer:   It's not my lucky day, is it?   Ah... Bel Paese?

Owner:      Sorry, sir.

Customer:   Red Windsor?

Owner:      Normally, sir, yes.  Today the van broke down.

Customer:   Ah.  Stilton?

Owner:      Sorry.

Customer:   Ementhal?  Gruyere?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Any Norwegian Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Lipta?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Lancashire?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   White Stilton?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Danish Brew?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Double Goucester?

Owner:      [pause]   No.

Customer:   Cheshire?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Dorset Bluveny?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint
            Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Camembert, perhaps?

Owner:      Ah!  We have Camembert, yessir.

Customer:   <surprised>  You do!  Excellent!

Owner:      Yessir.  It's... ah... it's a bit runny...

Customer:   -- Oh, I like it runny.

Owner:      Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer:   No matter!  Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France!  Mmmwah!

Owner:      I -- think it's a bit runnier than you'll like--

Customer:   I don't care how fucking runny it is.  Hand it over with
            all speed.

Owner:      Oooooooooohhh!!........
            [pause]

Customer:   What now?

Owner:      The cat's eaten it.

Customer:   [pause]  Has he.

Owner:      She, sir.

   [pause]

Customer:   Gouda?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Edam?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Case Ness?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Smoked Austrian?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner:      No, sir.

Customer:   You DO *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner:      <brightly>  Of course, sir.  It's a cheese shop, sir!
            We've got--

Customer:   --No, no... don't tell me.   I'm keen to guess.

Owner:      Fair enough.

Customer:   Uuuuuh... Wensleydale?

Owner:      Yes?

Customer:   Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner:      Oh!  I thought you were talking to me, sir.  Mister
            Wensleydale, that's my name.

            [pause]

Customer:   Greek Feta?

Owner:      Uh, not as such.

Customer:   Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner:      No

Customer:   Parmesan,

Owner:      No

Customer:   Mozzarella,

Owner:      No

Customer:   Paper Cramer,

Owner:      No

Customer:   Danish Bimbo,

Owner:      No

Customer:   Czech sheep's milk,

Owner:      No

Customer:   Venezuelan Beaver Cheese???

Owner:      Not *today*, sir, no.

            [pause]

Customer:   Ah! -- how about Cheddar?

Owner:      Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer:   Not much ca-- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner:      Not 'round here, sir.

Customer:   [slight pause]     And what *IS* the most popular cheese
            "'round hyah"?

Owner:      'Illchester, sir!

Customer:   Is it?!?

Owner:      Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

Customer:   Is it?!?

Owner:      It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer:   I see.  Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner:      Right, sir.

Customer:   All right.  Okay. "'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting
            the answer 'no'."

Owner:      I'll have a look, sir............ nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer:   It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner:      Finest in the district!

Customer:   <annoyed> Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner:      Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer:   It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner:      <brightly> You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer:   Is it worth it?

Owner:      Could be....

Customer:   Have you -- SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!!!

Owner:      Told you sir...

Customer:   <slowly> Have you got any Limburger?

Owner:      No.

Customer:   Figures. Predictable, really I suppose.  It was an act of purest 
            optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me--

Owner:      Yessir?

Customer:   <deliberately>  Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?

Owner:      Yes,sir.

Customer:   Really?

   [pause]

Owner:      No.  Not really, sir.

Customer:   You haven't.

Owner:      No sir.  Not a scrap.  I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer:   Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner:      Right-O, sir.
 
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
 
  **BANG!**

   <THUD>

Customer:   What a *senseless* waste of human life.


                        [END]


And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled...


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From: MEM <mmathai@arinc.COM>
Subject: Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch.
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