From: bicker@cbnewsi.cb.att.com (The Resource, Poet-Magician of Quality)
Subject: Re: Essence of Relationships
Reply-To: Brian.C.Kohn@att.com (The Resource, Poet-Magician of Quality)
Organization: The Internet
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 17:17:37 GMT
Followup-To: alt.romance

In article <83954@netnews.upenn.edu> rpatel@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Rachana D Patel) writes:
>... I am trying to figure out the ... need to have relationships. 
>Basically, I would like to undertand the difference between a relatioship
>and a strong/close friendship. 
>The first reasons that come to mind are:
>1) physical intimacy

Don't minimize this...it was the initial inspiration for the
institution.

>2) constant assurance that you will have a date
>3) the ability to show pictures and flaunt the other 

I think these are more cynical than true.  I'd reword #2 to read
 - reliable companionship
People are social animals and enjoy being amongst they know sometimes.
The better and more intimately you know some one, the greater this need
is filled.

>4) doing romantic things 

This isn't really a strong contributor.


I'd add:

 - commitment to a future together and to the continuing happiness of
	each other (this is the major non-sexual aspect of a
	relationship: it is the giving-up of the single-minded
	self-interest we are born with in favor of a mutual-interest
	that we believe can provide greater rewards [two heads working
	on two problems is better than each of two heads working of one
	problem each])
 - desire or compulsion to get married (which is sometimes inspired by a
	desire or compulsion to have a family (children, ...)
 - a safe sounding board for ideas, dreams, ...  (yes, friends can
	serve this purpose as well, but I've found that my RP and I are
	more honest and up-front with each other than my friends are
	with me and vice versa)
 - someone to learn from (you can grow with friends, but I find I grow
	more and more intensely with my RP)
 - someone who'll accept you for who you are (people want acceptance
	and it's great to know you'll get it on a regular basis from at
	least one person you respect)


I'm sure there're more.

>Having a good time and not getting into major disagreements?

I don't think one can *expect* this from a relationship all the time.

>I mean, couldn't you find these qualities in a friend? Wouldn't these 
>qualities come about if you were good friends with the person? 
>What I am trying to understand is the line between a close friendship and
>a relationship. 

For many of the aspects, it's a matter of degree.  Actually I suppose
the only aspects that aren't a matter of degree are sex and commitment.
But those are two biggies anyway.

I'm wondering where your question came from.  It sounds like there's a
LJBF situation going on here.  I've always been intrigued by LJBF.  The
people who use it seem to be oblivious to the facts of life (or are
pretending to be.)  There is a limit to the number of relationship-
partners (RPs) I need/want.  (That number is 1.)  Similarly, there is a
limit to the number of close friends I need/want.  What's more, these
numbers are dependent on several other factors (the number of casual
friendships I have, my current level of life-stability, ...)  Once I
have "enough" close friendships, and if I don't have an RP, I don't
want to LJBF, thankyouverymuch.  I've gotten into trouble with having
so many close friends that there was no room in my life for an RP, and
what's worse, I became known throughout the potential-RP world
(ie: women) as a great LJBcloseF type of guy.

That was bad news.  It led to my needs for the more intense
satisfaction of the aspects I mentioned above to be left unfilled, and
of course my need for sex and my need for committment from another
human being to be left totally unfilled.

(In the immortal words of John Astin:) "I'm feeling much better now."

:>
-- 
Brian Charles Kohn             E-MAIL: att!hoqax!bicker  (bicker@hoqax.ATT.COM)
Poet of "Quality"
    'Hope, not fear, is the most positive advocate of action.' - S.R. Lawhead
                   Stamp Out "SO": "RP" = "Romantic Partner"