From: falcao@felix.metaphor.com (Ronnie Falcao)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Sewer Grates (was: re. recovery goals)
Date: 20 Nov 92 01:03:18 GMT
Organization: Metaphor Computer Systems, Mountain View, CA

In article <1992Nov18.193207.44932@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu> sbecker@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu writes:
>What if the analogy weren't about a sewer grate?  I must say I agree with
>Cloister Bell. . .fear is a teacher.  How about the analogy of the two-
>year old ewho touches a hot stove.  That child will remember the pain, fear
>it and not touch the hot stove again.  This is *good*, right?  SO why would
>a survivor's learning to avoid pain, fear of repeating painful behaviors and
>situations be invalid?

I agree that learning to avoid pain is useful, but only to the
extent that it protects you from further pain instead of limiting
your enjoyment of future pleasure.

Fear of a hot stove becomes a liability if it keeps you from
learning to cook safely at the stove or if your fear is so
great that you can't comfortably enter the kitchen at all
and so go hungry.


>Here's an even better anaolgy:  All you need is one plane crash to make you
>afraid of flying.  Even if you get up the courage later to get in another
>airplane, you'd still be leery until you landed safely... can you see my
>point?

I understand that fear is not necessarily rational, but if your fear is
going to serve you rather than control you, you need to be able
to look at it rationally.  If you can identify the specific
element of danger, then you can learn to be wary of that element,
rather than of the general circumstance.

For example, maybe the plane crashed because there was ice
on the wings (so avoid flying in bad weather), or it was
poorly maintained (so investigate which airlines are more
fastidious), or it was a mid-air collision (so avoid flying
in and out of very busy airports).

There have been traumatic events in my life that cause me to feel
uncomfortable when any of the unrelated circumstances are
re-created.  One of the distinguishing characteristics
of one such trauma is that I was in a romantic relationship
with a man who had characteristics X, Y and Z.  Only
characteristic Z was relevant to the trauma.  An unconscious
and unexamined fear response might leave me with a general
fear of romantic relationships, and particularly with a man
with characteristics X, Y or Z.  Although avoiding situations
that trigger my fear will probably also reduce the chances
that the trauma will be repeated, it could also keep me
out of a wonderful romantic relationship with a man who
has characteristics X and Y and is not a threat to me.

As part of dealing with the trauma, I've been trying to
strengthen and refine my discernment skills so that I'll
be able to recognize characteristic Z as the specific
dangerous element and limit my fear response to that
one characteristic.  No, it's not easy and I'm not
necessarily that good at it yet.  But this approach holds
much more promise for future happiness than just accepting
that my fear is necessarily beneficial to me.


Having talked about trying to be rational about fear,
I also want to say how important it is to listen to your
intuition and react cautiously to a creepy feeling
you might not understand.

	- Ronnie

falcao@metaphor.com