From: amirza@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Anmar Caves)
Subject: Re: Absolute Cluelessness.  Help, please?
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 16:32:14 GMT

In article <1h44joINNc8r@agate.berkeley.edu> rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport) writes:
>
>Hmm.  Where to start?
>
>Until six months ago I didn't know any survivors.  At least, in the sense
>that I knew of nobody who was a survivor.  Since then, two of my friends

We're out here. 

>Since then, also, I've made quite a few friends (women friends ... what a
>wonderful concept :) ), quite a few of whom were survivors.  Let me rephrase
>this:  I currently have about 15 or so good women friends.  One of them
>_wasn't_ raped, molested, or was the victim of incest.  What is it? one of
>10 women in this country (US) is raped? How is it that 93.3% of my female
>friends were raped? 

Of the 20 or so women I've been close with, 11 have admitted to having
been raped, 3 of them had been raped more than once, and one had been
raped repeatedly.  Also, 2 others have shown signs of being survivors.

>I still don't know how to deal with it ... just that every few weeks I find
>out about another one ... 

Let's talk about empowerment.  More below.

>wanting to find the asshole and _hurt_ him ... What the hell are you
>supposed to say? "I'm sorry" is so damned inadequate, both in terms of
>potential of helping, and in expressing your feelings ... 

Buy a copy of "The Courage to Heal".  It's written for women adult
survivors of incest, but has an excellant section for the SO's of
survivors.  Best thing you can do for the survivor is listen to them,
don't pass any judgement on them, be supportive.  Don't treat them
like a victim, but help them empower themselves.  More on that below.

>Every time I start getting a bit of hope for this world, this society, I
>find one of these lovely little punches hidden somewhere that punch me in
>the chest, in my heart, and have me reeling back, thinking "My God, how can
>anyone _do_ that ?!" 

You've heard of the cliche "the thin veneer of civilization"?  It's
not just a catchy saying.


>So ... to ask a rather broad and inspecific question, what do I need to
>know? How can I deal with this, both so I can be there for my loved ones and
>friends who are survivors, if they need me, and so I can deal with this in
>terms of what it does to me? 
>
>My SO, in her vulnerable times, tells me how frightened to death she is of
>it happening again ... and all I can say is, "I know ... me neither ... if
>it was up to me, you wouldn't, love."  I can't even say "It won't .. " I
>don't even know what to say ... I don't know what to do as a friend/lover of
>survivors ... I want to help, if I can, and I simply don't know how ...


What's this empowerment thing he's been mentioning?  It has many
meanings to many people.  Basically  it's enabling a survivor to take
their destiny into their own hands.  To get out of the victim
mentality and to build their self-confidence.  That victim mentality
can be very self-destructive.  When someone is deep into the victim
mentality, they radiate it, and the cowards will seek them out and try
to victimize them further.  Victim mentality can lead to depression,
despair and worse.  

One note of warning for you, if you feel yourself getting caught up
in it all, don't hesitate to step out and take a breather.  This stuff
can eat you alive.  Not having been there, there is not way for you to
know how deep some of this shit can run.   Also you may wish to to
read up on "rescuer syndrome". 

All in all, we have to recognize that it's human nature to be cruel to
one another.  Some of the worse "solutions" to the problems of violent
human nature have resulted in the innocent being disarmed and stripped
of their rights to defend themselves.  Ultimately there is only 1
person who has your best interests at heart, and there's only 1 person
who'll do anything to defend them, and only 1 person who can be there
all the time.  And even then that 1 person can fail.



-- 
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