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Date:         Mon, 14 Sep 1992 15:56:00 EDT
From:         Gilbert Smith <N567126@NCSUADM.ACS.NCSU.EDU>
Subject:      WHTMITL8
Comments: To: English Language Discussion Group <words-l@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

What Happened To Me In The Library 8
-------------------------------------------
23) Arising early and leaving the house before the return of
my tc/sw from her trip to take our daughter to school, I
arrive at my favorite early-morning haunt, McDonalds, to
settle down with the newspapers and a cup of coffee.  In
USA TODAY, I peruse the state-by-state reports to see what
has happened in Nebraska (because of my dghtr who lives
there) and New Jersey (because of my son who lives there) and
West Virginia (because of my son who works there) and North
Carolina (because of .... well....).  Not much in NE, NJ, or
WV, but in NC:  "SANFORD:  Authorities probe mystery death of
transvestite found near exclusive lake subdivision."  What?
This may be an item <of interest>....
.
24) Interrupted by an employee of McDonalds, who says, "hey,
you're on TV, right?"  Ignoring this rude interruption, limiting
my response to the flash of a smile and a nod of the head, I
ask this young man if he has a copy of today's Raleigh News and
Observer.  Such a nice kid, he brings it to me right away, saying
"I don't know no Spanish, but I watch your show all the time.  That
guy that draws the pictures is really funny.. I can't hardly believe
you don't can his ass."  I search the pages for some notice of this
mysterious death, and there it is on page two, with the headline
"Authorities Stumped by Strange Strangulation Near Carolina Lakes"
Carolina Lakes -- where the father and step-mother of my tc/sw have
their new luxury home....
    Sanford police early this morning discovered the body of a
    young man clad only in beige gossamer panty hose, lying beside
    a stand of reeds near the main entrance to the Carolina Lakes
    private subdivision.  The body had, supposedly, been in the
    water before being dragged to the location in which it was
    found, because its extremities had been nibbled by the bass
    that have inhabited the lake in the past few years, thanks to
    an aggressive stocking program supported by the present
    Republican administration.  The body had been mutilated and
    apparently sexually assalted.  The chief of police of the
    local Department reported in an interview that "it is obvious
    that this is a question of foul play.  We are checking all the
    parlors along the main drag over in Fort Bragg, because this
    guy had a recent tatoo on his upper left thigh, shows a sort
    of heart-looking thing, torn in too, with the initials E.G.
    under it.  Don't know what that means, but we're working on
    it."
         A professor at a local university reports that the
    initials probably stand for "Ein Gebrokenhertz", but the
    News and Observer has been unable to verify this.  Lying
    near the body was found a white dress trimmed in lace.  There
    was no identification found on the body.  The only clues to
    the identity of the deceased are a bag containing a pair of
    high-heeled black patent leather cocktail shoes and an
    expired visitor's library card from a nearby university.
    .
25)  Somewhat unnerved by this report of brutality, I make my
way to my library study, where I find a brightly coloured form
with the request that I return it immediately.  I go to the
Library Office to deliver it in person to ....  Lulu, who is
sitting at her desk with a toothpick in her mouth.  She sees
me and smiles:
    "Professor Smith, I see you have visited your study today."
She is doing that irritating alveolar ridge thing again, but I
<hold my tongue>....
     I turn in my form without a word, and see on her desk the
News and Observer, open to the story about Carolina Lakes.
"Have you seen this?  I swear!"
     I say:  "Yes, I have *s*een it...." and find myself unable
to get my tongue off that ridge...  I turn and leave the office
and go down the hall saying "seen it"  "seen it", with the tongue
on the back of the teeth, when I am confronted by George, who
simply smiles and says "Professor, you are *talking* to yourself..."
.
26)  I return to my office and post the final version of the
Truth About Agnes, distracted momentarily by the current copy of
the Technician.....   where I find in the daily column "Ask Terry
Sue" the following bit of gossip:
     "Who, Terry Sue wants to know, is the debonair prof who
     was *seen* in a local campus hide-away just before the
     housekeeping staff went on strike and started the whole
     campus buzzing about bathroom behavior?"
No, I say, I know nothing about this, period.  Here is the
Truth About Agnes:
------------------------intermission 8----------------------