From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Confronting my mother (LONG)
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Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 21:11:40 GMT

Nancy Lebovitz (nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu) wrote:

: I don't see that whether the therapist has "altruistic" reasons is especially
: important. I believe that malice is rare, but it's easy to hurt other people

My point was, if you understand if there was or wasn't malice involved, then you
can decide how you want to react.  The reaction to a malicious therapist vs.
one who was just plain *wrong* would be totally different, and I suspect most
people's reactions would be, too.

: regard for me in order to feel better. No, he isn't some kind of a monster,
: but I'll be _goddamned_ if I'll let someone like that be my therapist.

I agree, but getting away from that therapist is a separate issue from how
you deal with it.  Will you seek damamges in a lawsuit?  Will you seek to
have his license (if he has one) to practice suspended?

: As for manipulation, my specific memory on this was of him pushing one of
: my buttons by saying that I'd "learn something" (I'm an input junky) by
: going home for Thanksgiving. I could tell I was being had, but somehow my
: recognition of this still left me paralysed. (There was just something about
: _knowing_ that I was being manipulated that made me freeze.) (This is obviously
: worth more thought--what _was_ going on there? but I don't have the time
: now.)  

Well, he was right, but only to the extent that (1) yes, you *will* learn
something by going home for Thanksgiving - don't listen to your therapist! :)

: Yes, I'm still angry. If my defenses against that sort of thing get better,
: I probably won't be as angry, but for now, that's my emotional reaction.
: I think that anger is a perfectly good and useful response to feeling
: one's boundaries violated. 

I don't think you'd find many people here that would disagree with you.
I'm angry with a particular person for violating several specific agreements
we had - one could argue the limitations of that anger, or preach about
expectations, but the simple fact is that I'm angry.  Very angry.  And I'll
probably stay angry at this particular individual's actions (or lack thereof).
Am I angry at that person?  No - just their actions.  Will I call them names
on the net?  Nope.  Will I rant and rave and discuss the issues on the net?
Nope.  Will I preach about how "wrong" they are?  Nope.  I'm just angry.

: I also think that family therapists might be a perfectly good resource
: for people who want to be in contact with their families, but improve
: the relationship. I think that f.t.'s are a _very_ bad idea for people
: who hate being around their families. 

Reminds me of the parents who, if little Mary doesn't like asparagus, will
try and entice them to eat it.  Threaten, etc.  We learn those behaviors,
too -- if Johnny doesn't like us, we *have* to find out why, *have* to make
them like us, etc.  But I digress...

: If it's of any help, I distinguish between anger, hatred, and rage. 
: Anger is a "this has to stop/must not happen again" reaction. Hatred
: is a "this must be obliterated" reaction. Rage is "destroy everything
: in reach". I suspect that you confuse anger and hatred---I wasn't 
: saying that family therapists were evil people who must be stopped,
: I was saying that I wasn't well-treated and don't trust them with
: my mental well-being, and recommend that people with situations
: similar to mine should be very cautious around them. 

I've been in the "fire phasers" mode before... :)  And I fully agree with your
analysis, if it's any comfort. :)
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"