From: jarvis@psych.toronto.edu (Brian Jarvis)
Subject: Another Lost
Organization: Department of Psychology, University of Toronto
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 15:49:38 GMT

I went to Doug's memorial service last night.

I didn't want to go.  I hate these services.  I've attended far too many
of them in the past short while and, unless a miracle happens, there will
be another one coming next week for yet another friend.

Doug was one of our clogging crowd here in Toronto.  James Church introduced
me to Doug & Don last year at Joan Smith's Tuesday night clogging class.
The class had started in early September, but I didn't join until October
because of a scheduling conflict; Doug gently guided me through the numbers
they had learned up to that time, kindly overlooking my mistakes as we
went.

More than once I missed a step or a whole sequence.  Doug's usual response
was "Oh, well." 

That was always Doug's way.  The car needed to go to the garage again.
Oh, well.  Frost killed the tomatos in the garden last night.  Oh, well.
Can't make ends meet, have to mortgage the house again.  Oh, well. 
Nothing ever seemed to bother Doug.  I never figured out whether he had
a good set of priorities or if he just didn't really understand the
impact of situation.  Either way, I admired (and frequently needed) his
stability and consistency.

My entire clogging team went to the service at Don & Doug's house.  There
were many people I didn't know and only a few I recognized.  Doug's sister
was there, although and mother were both too ill to be present.  A small
display of photographs was set up beside the fireplace; I could match
the faces in the pictures to the people in the room, some easier than
others.  There were Doug's baby pictures from 1946, photos of a boating
trip they attended last Labour Day week-end when I was in Boston and a
few dozen others covering the span of time between.

Don was a mess.  He and Doug had been together for 28 years and now he's
alone.  Doug had died in his arms Tuesday morning after they spent the
night talking and singing together.  Don has never been a particularly
well organized or practical person; he needed Doug to keep himself on
track.  Various mutual friends have ensured Don has not been alone since
last Sunday and we've organized similar support for the next couple of
weeks.  Beyond that, it's hard to say what's going to happen:  the next
month is going to be hard on Don.

The service was very informal.  Don, Andrea (Doug's sister) and Alan
(a close friend) spoke about their lives with Doug.  Various friends
shared their memories of him, some going back 40 years or more.  We
held hands and remembered in silence.  And then we cried.

At close to 10 PM, I left with the other cloggers.  Bob offered me a ride
back to the downtown, but I declined, choosing to walk back, despite the
rain and wind.  After walking for an hour, I found myself close to the house,
but I didn't want to go home quite yet.  Instead, I turned north-east and
walked to the Danforth bridge to stare at the valley for a while.  

From the middle of the bridge looking south, one can see the path of the
Don Valley Parkway on the east side and Riverside on the west of the valley
floor.  The leaves are gone from the trees now, so all was laid bare.
My toe hit a small rock, rolling it against the concrete barrier.  After
staring at it for a moment, I picked it up and hurled it as hard as I could
into the rain.  It disappeared from view almost as soon as it left my hand.
I found another rock and threw that one too.  I knelt down to pick up
another, but I couldn't find any more.  I went home.


				Doug Steer
				1946-1992


		"We stood beside your bedside and
		tended you with loving care, 'till
		we could do no more.  With tears
		we watched you suffer, and slowly
		fade away.  God saw you getting
		tired, when a cure was not to be so.
		He closed His arms around you,
		and whispered, "Come to Me."
		So treasure him, Lord, in your
		Garden of Rest.  For when on earth,
		he was one of the best.  Doug died
		as he lived, everyone's friend."

Brian
-- 

Brian A. Jarvis,          Rm. 4026, Sidney Smith Hall, Dept. of Psychology,
jarvis@psych.toronto.edu  University of Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
System Administrator      M5S 1A1  (416) 978-3948
Newsgroups: soc.motss,alt.politics.homosexuality