From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  3/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:12 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
43
"This is David.  Talk."

44
"Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages.  Please leave one."

45
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

46
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss.  If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."

47
     "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

48
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)

WOMAN : (seductively) Hi.  I'm Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just have to ...

YOU : (interrupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)

49
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:

     "Hi, this is Jeff.  We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake.  Tragic, isn't it?  But, leave a
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually."  BEEP

My favorite post quake message:

    "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
     Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

50
"Hello, I'm not hear right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
 If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
 Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
 with a vacuum cleaner."

51
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet.  sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.

(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

52
 "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
  because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
  up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
  resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
  So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
  component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

53
 "Speak, worm!" <beep>
  Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

54
 "You know what to do at the tone." <beep>

55
 "Hello?" <beep>
  This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

56
 "Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
  A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
  "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

57
   Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>

58
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello.  I can't come to the phone right now.  Me and Guido are trying to
 stuff a body in the trunk.  I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name
and a message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )...  "
59
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>

60
Hello, this is <insert your name here>.  I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
BEEEP!

61
        [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
        You've reached the residence of John and Tom.  We can't
        come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
        refrigerator.  Please leave your name and number, and
        we'll get back to you.
        [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]

62
Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
        refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
        your message to myself with one of these magnets.

63
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.  If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty.  The choice is YOURS....   BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

64
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.  KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES......         ~~~

65
        Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
        Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  bear
        a...  er...  shalt not witness thy...  uh...  neighbor's ass,
        oh, I mean, false...  er...  shalt not commit a bear...  dern...
>>> Continued to next message
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host
Newsgroups: rec.humor