From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: post
Date: 11 Sep 92 07:21:08 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4


In Article 5430 of alt.sexual.abuse.recovery brandywine says:
> 
> Well.
> I am so depressed.  My ex so, who I couldn't let go of, ( one of my
> issues) used sex to try and get rid of me. To see how far I would go
> to please him and make myself feel dirty. I went farther than I should
> have. I hgave him a blow job, which I told him I hated.

Letting go of someone that you care about has never been easy for anyone that
I have ever heard of.  

> 
> He says when I get sane, he might be my friend.

This sounds like someone who is not only not your friend NOW, but also someone
that has some pain of their own to work out.

> 
> I know many of you have supportive So's from reading the posts... but
> I don't think I will ever get to that point. I keep going at this

When you are down looking up, up seems AWFULLY far away, but if you give up
and never try you will not get there.
There ARE caring people (SO's and others) out there.  Many here care about you
to many different extents.  Please resist the temtation to make a catagorical
judgement when you have just been hurt.  Pain will generally cloud your
thinking

> alone, and the point doesn't seem there. I would cry except that I
> don't cry. THo I have been closer to it lately than I have been for a
> long time.
> 
> I had to work today, and I thought about writing this all day. That
> helped. Being able to reach out and ask questions...

Having someone listen is always nice for me.  I for one am glad you
decided to share.

> 
> Is there a point in going on if my whole life is a serious of what I
> can do for others...? ALways, people take advantage of me and it makes
> me so mad. COdependancy sucks.

The point may well be to learn to balance your life.  Notice I said "learn".
Society (in the world according to me) does not teach balance.  There are too
many people MORE than willing to tell you how much you OWE THEM.  If you 
have faith in your own sense of fair play you have the right to decide if you
agree and if you wish to share with them part of yourself (and I DON'T mean
only your physical self)

> 
> I think about killing myself, but I am not that brave. I think there
> is some reason to go on. SIlly me.

I don't see much brave about killing yourself.  I think that to work through
this and to share your triumphs (and tragedies) is much more brave.  The reason
to go on is a very personal thing.  I, for one, find that to improve and grow
to be a happier person is a good reason for me.  You must pick your own reason,
because you are the onw that will follow it.

> 
> He used my sensitive area, even after I had told him about the abuse
> and about the new things I am remembering...
> he used me for sex, because he said he did it basically because he was
> horny but also because it would make me leave.

Sounds like the person that did this to you was a little confused (make that
more than a little).

> 
> I can't stand who i am becoming in this. Lost. Again. Will I ever be
> able to love freely and be loved back?

Yes you will - IF - you don't allow yourself to pass summary judgement against
all who happen to be of the same group (read gender, type, etc) that the person
who did this to you is.

> I keep looking for someone to love me, truly love me... I have
> friends, and I am a friend. but sometimes it just doesn't seem enough.

Keep looking.  True love is not easily found for most people.  But, you must
be willing to risk (being hurt) to be able to find it.

> 
> I want someone to hold me in the dark of the night so the nightmares
> will go away
Holding and being held tightly by/with someone that you care for is very 
comforting indeed.  However, the nightmares will only stay away while you
are being held.  For them to truly go away I think that you will still have
to come to terms in your own way with those things that frighten you in
the night.

Hugs if you want them.
> -brandywine
> 
- Taylor W. Mohrle  khijol!twm@saturn.upl.com
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