Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Mon, 28 Sep 1992 11:52:18 EDT
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         RJKOPP@SUVM.BITNET
Subject:      Feeling left out.

Carolyn,
   I think I see the point that your trying to make, is that Helen was not
being rejected, just thought she was because noone explicitly asked her
to join in.  I see that in Shawna too, although there are times she will go
over and try to join in.  Unfortunatly her actions and methods of joining in
are different and other people (grownups and kids) don't understand it and
kind of get estranged by it and walk away, assuming my daughter won't
understand, they fail to see she was trying to join in with what they are
doing even if it wasn't the same. We can see that it does matter to Shawna
and if possible we will often go over and try to provide a means of
interaction.  There have been instances though in Baby-sitter situations and
in some classrooms where Shawna was being mainstreamed and the teacher didn't
know how to incorporate her into the session that wound up with Shawna being
left out.  Also some teachers were not willing to adapt their methods to
someone like my daughter that had problems with such things as coming quickly
on demand (she would if you waited but they wouldn't wait) or answer questions
on demand (which Shawna won't except now on the Canon and sometimes will if
some one else was asked).  I can't blame the teachers except in their
persistance to stick to their regimen.  But if they don't know enough about
autism to realize that what they are asking is impossible or takes a little
more time and effort from Shawna, it's not their fault.  Many times our talking
to this teacher helps out.  If the teacher is willing to talk to former Pre-
school teachers who understood Shawna that will help, although this is often a
difficult issue, especially because other things such as antagonism between
our local university and local school district (That doesn't make much
sense to me but it is definitly present, even though they both support each
other in some ways).

I can't understand why some things are so hard for Shawna either in knowing
to initiate, although your mentioning the fear of failure is something that
I would wonder about.  Shawna always has done things only when she was fairly
sure she would be absolutly successful, after she has done it a few times
she might get too self-assured and slip (which might make it not repeat for
quite a while till she re-builds her self-assurance) but the first times
always seem to be quite a while coming.  This is something that I find as an
exageration of some typical peoples fear of failure.  I think many of us have
a certain degree of that, I am sure I do.  It also seems to reflect some
feelings of self worth in us I think. I know I never had much self-esteem
so I very rarely willingly interacted in anything or offered answers to
questions that I thought I might know.  Even if the teachers used the idea of
asking questions around the class or had it so that everyone would give an
answer, it never did much to boost my self-esteme.  I don't think I began to
get any self-confidence till I was in High School and then much more out in
the world.  Of course by that time I also had some very different theories
about certain things and was not willing to give them up, so I often disagreed
with proven theories (in business management) which did not help in getting
better grades, but at least I was more self-confident.  The funny part is
some studies now prove that some things were right.  Some still were wrong.
Now I don't get so hung up on mistakes and it makes things that much easier.
I just wish that I could help Shawna realize that it's ok to make mistakes.
I feel that that does hold her back some.  The unfortunate part is that
some of her differences are what makes her lack that confidence.  We just
keep trying to re-assure her.

Thanks,
Ray Kopp
Syracuse, New York
Internet:rjkopp@mailbox.syr.edu
Bitnet:RJKOPP@SUVM.BITNET
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