From: lumensa@lub001.lamar.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: 12 days of Xmas
Date: 12 Dec 92 08:48:12 GMT
Article-I.D.: lub001.1992Dec11.154812.1848
Organization: Lamar University - Beaumont

In article <chrisp.723110265@mardo>, chrisp@cs.uwa.oz.au (chris pudney) writes:
> G'day,
> 
> I'm looking for an article I read on the Internet a while ago, about the
> song "The 12 Days of Christmas".  I think it was in r.h.f.
> 
> The article was a series of letters written by a girl to her "true love" -


I remeber that; found it in an old 1988 mailbox file.  Enjoy.






                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 14, 1987

Dearest John,

     I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been more
surprised.

                                    With deepest love and devotion,

                                    Agnes


                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 15, 1987

Dearest John,

     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine two
turtle doves.  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just
adorable.

                                    All my love,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 16, 1987

Dear John,

     Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.  They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

                                    Love,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 17, 1987

Dear John,

     Today the postman brought four calling birds.  Now really, they are
just beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.  You're being too
romantic.

                                    Affectionately,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 18, 1987

Dearest John,

     What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered five golden rings;  one
for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                                    All my love,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 19, 1987

Dear John,

     When I opened the door today there were actually six geese-a-laying on
my front steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh??  These geese are
huge.  Where will ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

                                    Cordially,

                                    Agnes


                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 20, 1987

John,

     What's with you and these fucking birds??  Seven swans-a-swimming.
What kind of God Damn joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house
and they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreak; its not funny.  So stop with these fucking birds.

                                    Sincerely,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 21, 1987

Hey Buster,

     I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids-a-milking?  Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids a
milking, but they had to bring there God Damn cows!!  There is shit all over
the lawn and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smartass.

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 22, 1987

Hey Shithead,

     What are you ?  Some kind of sadist.  Now there's nine pipers playing.
And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing those maids since
they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

                                    You'll get yours,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 23, 1987

You Rotten Prick,

     Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies, they've been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the cows
can't sleep and they've all got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of
shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

                                    Agnes



                                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                                                 69 Cash Ave.
                                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado
                                                 December 24, 1987

Listen Fuckhead,

     What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies,  some
of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids
and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the birds are now
dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten vicious swine.

                                    Your sworn enemy,

                                    Agnes



                                                 Law Offices
                                                 Badger, Bender & Cajole
                                                 303 Knave Street
                                                 Chicago, Illinois
                                                 December 25, 1987

Dear Sir:

     This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction of course was total.  All correspondence should come to our
attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the guards have orders to shoot you on sight.  With this letter,
please find a warrant for your arrest.

                                    Cordially,

                                    Badger, Bender & Cajole