From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Medication
Date: 7 Sep 92 10:37:36 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hello all again.  This is yet another word from your local love-addict.

No spoiler warnings this time, perhaps later.  I still have to get my life in
order, and I don't quite know how to yet...  But I'm trying.

[Ed Note:  Spoiler Warning to follow at a later part of this message, along
with Chapter 1.5 of the love-addict story (tm).]

This anti-depressant that my Doc has put me on is having some wierd effects.
(Besides the aftertaste, constipation, and lowered sex drive...)  I'm able to
remember things easier now, and I can't always control my sence of humor.

Seriously.  I worry about saying things in jest that others will find
offensive!  I've already found myself replying to a few posts here and then
scragging my efforts (or in one case hastily deleting the message after it was
saved, before the job could be sent out to the rest of the Net!)

I don't mean to offend anyone, but I'm losing the ability to judge the
approperiateness of when I should be completely serious.

Hopefully, I'll get this worked out soon...  But meanwhile I'm going to be
responding to fewer messages than I'd like to, and if I slip up and say the
wrong thing, please forgive me!  I really am only trying to help!

Oh hell, it looks like I'm making excuses here.  I don't mean to make any... I
am still completely responsible for my actions, and I always will be.  I don't
want to hide behind an excuse.  I'm just scared that I'm going to say the wrong
thing, so I'm going to let this post fly out into the net against my better
judgement.  Hopefully someone will understand what I am trying to say.

I lost Teri completely.  She doesn't want to hear from me again.  I know I
should feel real bad about this.  I know that I am real sensitive and when I
think about the subject, it makes me unhappy.  It just doesn't feel right that
I'm not carrying a load of misery with me everywhere I go.

Shit.  Would someone respond to this babbeling, and tell me if I am getting the
idea across?  Reality check, basically.  I've gotten back the gift of gab (That
I nearly lost to my depression) but I'm wondering if I lost something else... 
I don't know what, but...  "Black Humor" just doesn't seem very ominous right
now.  Damned if I underdtand that.

I just don't know how to handle this any other way except to make light of it,
when the subject isn't something to make light of!  I know that!  That's why
I've deleted some of my messages on retrospect.  I never intentionally write a
message trying to poke fun at a situation, but I fear that what I might write
might be taken that way...  This is why I used the "(tm)" mark earlier on.  It
prevents me from taking things to seriously I suppose.  Geeez, my Psychologist
is going to have fun with this one when I mail her a copy of this letter...

That's one of the reasons why I'm wasting space here.  It's the only way that I
know I'll get the job done, and who knows, maybe someone out there will have
some thoughts or ideas that will help.  If you want me to shuttup and go away,
just say so and I shall...  (Meanwhile, thanks for tolerating me!)

Oh hell, it looks like a Spoiler Warning should be made imminent.  I'm not
extremely miserable as I type this, but I know that normally I would be. 
Nothing graphic or anything else, but this is a sensitive subject...

Dan, Brad, and anyone else on the Net who knows me, please don't interfere in
real life regarding the following situation.  (Talk to me if you want, but
that's it.)  Ya see, I've at least been honest and open about my feelings in
these cases so far to the people who had a role in it...  So any interference
would only make life harder...  No offence.

          **** Spoiler Warning! ****

There, now that's out of the way, I can go ahead and introduce Chapter 1.5 of
the story...

When Teri's parents first forced Teri and I apart, we were relaying messages to
each other through friends at first.  (Then Teri became hard to reach, and one
day her father told Tara (the friend who was relaying stuff) that Teri told her
that she was relaying message back and forth.  Go away or I'll land in jail.

(Note to friends on Net:  This is the part I don't want any interference on!)

But while that was going on, I found myself emotionally substituting Tara for
Teri.  (They both are approx. the same age, looks, attitude, etc.)  But my love
for Teri never diminished.  It still hasn't.  I haven't completely accepted the
fact that I was essentially told to go to hell.

But I still found myself beggining to have feelings for Tara.  (We had our
"thing" (Not enough to even count as a relationship...) at about the same time
Teri and I started to date (non exclusively at first) origionally.  I found
that these feelings (that even I realized were little more than a substitution
on my part, looking for love where it was receiving none) began to interfere
with my friendship with Tara.  In a bind, I finally told her the truth that I
was having some feelings for her that shouldn't be there, and I was having
trouble dealing with them.  Forgive me while I dissapear from the face of the
earth for a few weeks.

I'm also good friends with Tara's mother, Kay.  (The running joke/truth is that
Tara picked me up at WorldCon, but I started to do lunches with Kay...  Then
that evolved to, because Kay is to old for me, and Tara is to young, they
deicded to share me...)

But Kay figured out on her own what was going on in my head, and why I was
making myself scarce.  So more pointed jokes were made on occasion to warn me
away from Tara until she was 18...  I remember one scene at Congenial (I was
sharing the hotel room with Kay, and 2 other friends) where Kay was babbeling
about how Tara would be happy when she finished H.S.  Then a friend asked her
how old Tara is.  Then looked at me and said "So Doug, you have 2 more years to
wait, huh?" (And the other 3 laughed...  I felt like yelling "Mind your wn
business!", but decided to be politically correct and shuttup.)

It's still a sore spot on my end, but at least our friendships stayed constant
throughout.  I'm damn lucky to have some good freinds.  I just needed to get
this one stated one last time so I could bury it (hopefully!).

Thanks.

Hmmm...  I wonder why I haven't been able to find anyone my own age of recent?
Okay, I just don't see too many people in their early 20's.  They're all off at
some college or another, and I work graveyard shift oppisite them...  I never
used to have this problem in the extremes that I now do, but...  Oh hell, I'll
shuttup now.

+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us |USnail:3 Danada Square E.|
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | Team Star Charter Member   |       Suite 246         |
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |       Wheaton, Il 60187 |
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|Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.(Who the hell is Mary anyways?)|
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