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Date:         Mon, 14 Dec 1992 19:04:29 BST
Reply-To:     gtoal@cursci.co.uk
From:         Graham Toal <gtoal@CURSCI.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject:      9-yr old victorian girl's essay
Comments: To: words-l@uga.cc.uga.edu

I said I'd post this when I found it ...

  <1Chapter One>1

  <1QUITE A YOUNG GIRL>1

MR SALTEENA was an elderly man of 42 and was fond
of asking peaple to stay with him.  He had quite a young
girl staying with him of 17 named Ethel Monticue.  Mr
Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and wiskers
which were very black and twisty.  He was middle sized
and he had very pale blue eyes.  He had a pale brown
suit but on Sundays he had a black one and he had a topper
every day as he thorght it more becoming.  Ethel Monticue
had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes.  She had
a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the
sleeves.  She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.
  One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and
found Ethel had come down first which was strange.  Is
the tea made Ethel he said rubbing his hands.  Yes said
Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for you.
Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied
down very tight and a letter stuffed between the string.
Well well said Mr Salteena parcels do turn quear I will
read the letter first and so saying he tore open the letter
and this is what it said

  MY DEAR ALFRED.
    I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent
you a top hat wraped up in tishu paper inside the box.
Will you wear it staying with me because it is very
uncommon. Please bring one of your young ladies
whichever is the prettiest in the face.
    I remain Yours truely
    BERNARD CLARK.

  Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and
fancy him sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the
box and there lay the most splendid top hat of a lovly
rich tone rarther like grapes with a ribbon round compleat.
  Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall
like it the bow of the ribbon is too flighty for my age.
Then he sat down and eat the egg which Ethel had so
kindly laid for him. After he had finished his meal he
got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up
stairs on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud
sniff and this is what he wrote

  MY DEAR BERNARD
    Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday
I will bring Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M.
She is very active and pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy
myself with you.I am fond of digging in the garden and
I am parshial to ladies if they are nice I suppose it is my
nature.I am not quite a gentleman but you would hardly
notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come by
the 3-15.
    Your old and valud friend
    ALFRED SALTEENA.

  Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard
Clark had asked Mr Salteena to stay with him.  He was
a lonely man in a remote spot and he liked peaple and
partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered
Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter.  He was
rarther a presumshious man.

  <1Chapter Two>1

  <1STARTING GAILY>1

  WHEN the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have
an egg for his brekfast in case he should be sick on the
jorney.
  What top hat will you wear asked Ethel.
  I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat
to keep off the dust and flies replied Mr Salteena.
  I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because
I am very pale owing to the drains in this house.
  You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry
laugh.
  Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she
ran out of the room with a very superier run throwing out
her legs behind and her arms swinging in rithum.
  Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick
run.
  Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly
velvit coat of royal blue.  Do I look nice in my get up
she asked.
  Mr Salteena survayed her.  You look rarther rash my
dear your colors dont quite match your face but never
mind I am just going up to say goodbye to Rosalind the
housemaid.
  Well dont be long said Ethel.  Mr S. skipped upstairs
to Rosalinds room.  Good-bye Rosalind he said I shall
be back soon and I hope I shall enjoy myself.
  I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a
blush as Mr Salteena silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet
cover.
  Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully
and he hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly
to the housemaid.
  Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall
let us get into the cab.  Mr Salteena did not care for
powder but he was an unselfish man so he dashed into
the cab.  Sit down said Ethel as the cabman waved his
whip you are standing on my luggage.  Well I am paying
for the cab said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my
feet were I like.
  They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing
to go first but thought perhaps least said soonest
mended.  Mr Salteena got very excited in the train about
his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt excited inside.
Bernard has a big house said Mr S. gazing at Ethel he is
inclined to be rich.
  Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past
the window.  Mr S. felt rarther disheartened so he read
the paper till the train stopped and the porters shouted
Rickamere station.  We had better collect our traps said
Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted footman in a
cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in at the
window.  Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive
tones.
  Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.
  Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight
I will see to your luggage there is a convayance awaiting
you.
  Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr S. and he and Ethel
stepped along the platform.  Outside they found a lovely
cariage lined with olive green cushions to match the footman
and the horses had green bridles and bows on their
manes and tails.  They got gingerly in.  Will he bring
our luggage asked Ethel nervously.
  I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.
  Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.
  Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just
thank him perlitely.
  Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage.
Ethel bowed gracefully over the door of the cariage and
Mr S. waved his hand as each bit of luggage was hoisted
up to make sure it was all there.  Then he said thankyou
my good fellow very politely.  Not at all sir said the footman
and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to
the box.
  I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the
thing to do is to leave 2/6 on your dressing table when
your stay is over.
  Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know
at all how to go on at a visit.  I beleeve so replied Mr
Salteena anyhow it is quite the custom and we cant help
it if he does not.  Now my dear what do you think of the
sceenery.
  Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her
knees.  Just then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive
with tall trees and big red flowers growing amid shiny
dark leaves.  Presently the haughty coachman pulled up
with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall pillers
each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers.  The
doors flung open as if by majic causing Ethel to jump and
a portly butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny
shirt front and a huge pale face.  Welcome sir he
exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteena alighted rarther
quickly from the viacle and please to step inside.
  Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel.  The
footman again struggled with the luggage and the butler
Francis Minnit by name kindly lent a hand.  The hall
was very big and hung round with guns and mats and
ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air.  The butler
then showed them down a winding corridoor till he came
to a door which he flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a
lady sir.
  A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa.  He was rarther
bent in the middle with very nice long legs fairish hair
and blue eyes.  Hullo Alf old boy he cried so you have
got here all safe and no limbs broken.
  None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking
hands and let me introduce Miss Monticue she is very
pleased to come for this visit.  Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing
through her red ruge.  Bernard looked at her keenly
and turned a dark red.  I am glad to see you he said I
hope you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys
yet as I dont know anybody.
  Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in
Socierty and she gave him a dainty smile.
  I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will
ring.
  Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly.  Bernard
pealed on the bell and the butler came in with a stately
walk.
Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark.  With pleshure
sir replied Minnit with a deep bow.  A glorious tea then
came in on a gold tray two kinds of bread and butter a
lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes.  Ethels eyes began
to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal.
I expect you would now like to unpack said Bernard when
it was over.
  Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.
  I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said
Bernard with a gallant bow and yours turning to Mr
Salteena opens out of it so you will be nice and friendly
both the rooms have big windows and a handsome view.
  How charming said Ethel.  Yes well let us go up
replied Bernard and he led the way up many a winding
stairway till they came to an oak door with some lovly
swans and bull rushes painted on it.  Here we are he cried
gaily.  Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment
with purple silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the
same shade.  The toilit set was white and mouve and there
were some violets in a costly varse.  Oh I say cried Ethel in
supprise.  I am glad you like it said Bernard and here we
have yours Alf.  He opened the dividing doors and
portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and
wild primroses.  My own room is next the bath room said
Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have somber tastes.
The bath room has got a tip up bason and a hose thing for
washing your head.
  A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting
jellus.
  Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this
Chapter.

  <1Chapter Three>1

  <1THE FIRST EVENING>1

WHEN they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went
downstairs to dinner.  Mr Salteena had put on a compleat
evening suit as he thought it was the correct idear and
some ruby studs he had got at a sale.  Ethel had on a
dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite in
the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena
gave her for a birthday present.  She looked very
becomeing and pretty and Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave
her his arm to go into dinner.  The butler Minnit was
quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and
surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white
wigs who were called Charles and Horace.
  Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his turtle soup you
have a very sumpshous house Bernard.
  His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few
drops of sherry wine.  It is fairly decent he replied with a
bashful glance at Ethel after our repast I will show you
over the premisis.
  Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered
with his forks.
  You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such
large compartments.
  Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try
a few steps and meanwhile I might get to know a few
peaple.
  So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.
  Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered
up when the Port wine came on the table and the butler
put round some costly finger bowls.  He did not have any
in his own house and he followed Bernard Clark's advice
as to what to do with them.  After dinner Ethel played
some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded
with a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped
him a good deal.  Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles
as he was not musicle.  Then Bernard said shall I show
you over my domain and they strolled into the gloomy hall.
  I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a
jelous tone, who are they.
  Well said Bernard they are all quite correct.  This is
my aunt Caroline she was rarther exentrick and quite old.
  So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with
a very tight waist and quearly shaped.  That is Mary Ann
Fudge my grandmother I think said Bernard she was very
well known in her day.
  Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.
  Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and
he moved away to the next picture.  It was of a man with
a fat smiley face and a red ribbon round him and a lot of
medals. My great uncle Ambrose Fudge said Bernard
carelessly.
  He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.
  Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really
the Sinister son of Queen Victoria.
  Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does
that mean.
  Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me
very much but ancesters do turn quear at times.
  Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent
voice.
  Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.
  It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.
  It is that replied her host geniully
  Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a
lady holding up some grapes and smiling a good deal.
  Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard
she was rarther far back but a real relation and she was
engaged to the earl of Tullyvarden only it did not quite
come off.
  What a pity crid Ethel.
  Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a
Captain in the Navy and had seven children so she was
quite alright.
  Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as
he had had a long journey.  Bernard always had a few
prayers in the hall and some whiskey afterwards as he was
rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very adicted to
prayers so he marched up to bed.  Ethel stayed as she
thourght it would be a good thing.  The butler came in
as he was a very holy man and Bernard piously said the
Our Father and a very good hymm called I will keep my
anger down and a Decad of the Rosary.  Ethel chimed in
quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel
thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with.
So I will end my chapter.

  <1Chapter Four>1

  <1MR SALTEENAS PLAN>1

MR SALTEENA woke up rarther early next day and was
surprised and delighted to find Horace the footman entering
with a cup of tea.
  Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in
the costly bed.  Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir
anounced Horace I will have great plesure in turning it on
for you if such is your desire.  Well yes you might said
Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a
profound bow.
  Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.
  Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.
  I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.
  So have I replied Ethel.
  Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with
yellaw tassles and siezing his soap he wandered off to the
bath room which was most sumpshous.  It had a lovly
white shiny bath and sparkling taps and several towels
arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace.  It also had
a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of
a rich nature.  Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt
very much better.  After brekfast Mr Salteena asked
Bernard if he could have some privite conversation with
him.  Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into my
study we can have a few words.
  Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.
  No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.
  Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss
Monticue said Bernard kindly.
  Oh do lets said Ethel.
  Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat
upon two arm chairs.  Fire away said Bernard lighting his
pipe.  Well I cant exactly do that said Mr Salteena in slow
tones it is a searious matter and you can advise me as you
are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.
  Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?
  You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman
said Mr Salteena getting rarther hot I am quite alright as
they say but I would like to be the real thing can it be done
he added slapping his knees.
  I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.
  Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need
be.  Bernard scratched his head.  Why dont you try the
Crystal Pallace he asked several peaple Earls and even
dukes have privite compartments there.
  But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.
  True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of
students there who want to get into the War Office and
notable banks.
  Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.
  Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my
old pal the Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub
you up and by mixing with him you would probably grow
more seemly.
  Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there
as soon as it can be arranged if you would be so kind as
to keep an eye on Ethel while I am away.
  Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a
few days and she could come too.
  You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you
will find her any trouble.
  No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl
cheerful and active.  And he blushed rarther red.

  <1Chapter Five>1

  <1THE CRYSTAL PALACE>1

ABOUT 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in
hand in the ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay
him to the station.  Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated
side by side on a costly sofa gazing abstractly at the parting
guest.  Horace had dashed off to put on his cocked hat as
he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit was roaming
about the hall well prepared for any deed.
  Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope
you will get on Alf I am sure you have that little letter to
old Clincham eh.
  In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the
same and I do hope Ethel will behave properly.
  Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.
  I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.
  Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound
of hoofs and a loud neigh.  The baroushe I take it said
Bernard rising slowly.
  Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.
  Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good
luck and God bless you he added in a pius tone.
  Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which
has been short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he
said as bag in hand he proceeded to the door.  Francis
Minnit bowed low and handed a small parcel to Mr Salteena
a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.
  Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.
  Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile.  Not kind sir
he muttered quite usual.
  Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rarther flabergasted
well goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the
butlers open palm.
  Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran
on to buy the ticket which he presented with a low bow
the <1Times>1 and <1Tit-Bits.>1  Oh many thanks my man said
Mr Salteena in a most airy voice now will you find me a
corner seat in the train eh.
  If there is one sir replied Horace.
  In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded
by his buggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace.  The
other passengers looked full of envy at the curly white wig
and green plush uniform of Horace.  Mr Salteena crossed
his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur rug over his knees
though he was hot enough in all consciunce.  He began
to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled
as he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket.  When
Mr Salteena arrived in London he began to strolle up the
principle streets thinking how gay all was.  Presently he
beheld a resterant with a big Menu outside and he went
boldly in.
  It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty
of looking glasses.  Many hansome ladies and gentlemen
were already partaking of choice food and rich wines and
whiskey and the scene was most lively.  Mr Salteena had
a little whiskey to make him feel more at home.  Then he
eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band.
He beat time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters
and he felt very excited inside.  I am seeing life with a
vengance he muttered to himself as he paid his bill at the
desk.  Outside Mr Salteena found a tall policeman.  Could
you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you please said
Mr Salteena nervously.
  Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to
take a cab sir.
  Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.
  He hailed a hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal
Palace he cried gaily and holding his bag on his knees he
prepared to enjoy the sights of the Metropilis.  It was a
merry drive and all too soon the Palace heaved in view.
Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he
entered the wondrous edifice.  His heart beat very fast as
two huge men in gold braid flung open the doors.  Inside
was a lovely fountain in the middle and all round were
little stalls where you could buy sweets and lemonade also
scent hankerchiefs and many dainty articles.  There were
a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.
  At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther
nice sweets which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a
wooden door on which was nailed a notice saying To the
Privite Compartments.
  Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is evidently my
next move, and he gently pushed open the door straitening
his top hat as he did so.  Inside he found himself in a
dimly lit passage with a thick and handsom carpet.  Mr
Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very
superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading
a newspaper and warming his hands on the hot water pipes.
Mr Salteena advanced on tiptoe and coughed gently as so
far the gentleman had paid no attention.  However at the
second cough he raised his eyes in a weary fashion.  do
you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.
  Mr Salteena got very flustered.  Well I am seeking the
Earl of Clincham he began in a trembly voice are you by
any chance him he added most respectfully.
  No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to
be Edward Procurio.  I am half italian and I am the
Groom of the Chambers.
  What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.
  These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.
  Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names
of people on each one.  Oh I see he said then perhaps you
can tell me where the Earl of Clincham is to be found.
  At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio
tritely of course he may be out one never knows
what they are up to.
  I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.
  One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio
returning to the hot water pipes though of course I know
a lot more than most peaple about the inmates here.
  What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr
Salteena.
  Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant
say much in my position but one lives and learns.  He
heaved a sigh and shruged his shoulders.
  Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the
chat.
  Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off
down the passage.At last he came to a door labelled
Clincham Earl of in big letters.With a beating heart Mr
Salteena pulled the bell and the door swung open of its
own accord.At the same moment a cheery voice rang
out from the distance.Come in please I am in the study
first door on left.
  With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyed these directions
and found himself in a small but handsome compartment
done in dark green lether with crests on the chairs.
Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting of a lady in a
low neck looking quite the thing.  By the desk was
seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly
nature and curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest
grey but well made and on the table reposed a grey top hat
which had evidently been on his head recently.  He had a
rose in his button hole also a signet ring.
  Hullo said this plesant fellow as Mr Salteena was spell
bound on mat.
  Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low
and dropping his top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.
  You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do
I adress eh.
  Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep
tones.
  Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and
tell me who you are.
  Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a
crested chair.
  To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of
import and I am not a gentleman as they say he ended getting
very red and hot.
  Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured
the liquid into a glass at his elbow.  Mr Salteena lapped it
up thankfully.
  Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is
what dose it matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.
  No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.
  Lord Clincham waved a careless hand.  A small portion
flows in my viens he said but it does not worry me at all
and after all he added piously at the Day of Judgement
what will be the odds.
  Mr Salteena heaved a sigh.  I was thinking of this world
he said.
  Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these
things are as piffle before the wind.
  Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may
I beg you to read this letter my Lord.  He produced
Bernards note from his coat tails.  The Earl of Clincham
took it in his long fingers.  This is what he read.

  MY DEAR CLINCHAM
    The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not
quite the right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is
the son of a first rate butcher but his mother was a decent
family called Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so
bad and is desireus of being the correct article.  Could
you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways.  I dont know much
details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need.
I am keeping well and hope you are.  I must run up to
the Compartments one day and look you up.
    Yours as ever your faithfull friend
    BERNARD CLARK.

  The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena
thourghtfully.
  Have you much money he asked and are you prepared
to spend a good deal.
  Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the
bank and $10 in ready gold in my purse.
  You see these compartments are the haunts of the
Aristockracy said the earl and they are kept going by peaple
who have got something funny in their family and who
want to be less mere if you can comprehend.
  Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.
  Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his
Lordship but the point is that we charge a goodly sum for
our training here but however if you cant pay you need
not join.
  I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a
$10  note on  the desk.  His  Lordship  slipped  it in his
trouser pocket.  It will be $42 before I have done with
you he said but you can pay me here and there as
convenient.
  Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.
  Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness.  While here
you will live in compartments in the basement known as
Lower Range.  You will get many hints from the Groom
of the Chambers as to clothes and ettiquett to menials.
You will mix with me for grammer and I might take you
out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips.
Also I have lots of ladies partys which you will attend
occasionally.
  Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement.  I shall enjoy
that he cried.
  His Lordship coughed loudly.  You may not marry
while under instruction he said firmly.
  Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.
  You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship
as your instruction will vary according.
  Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr
Salteena with flashing eyes.
  Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you
might perhaps gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you
care to try.
  Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of
fresh air and royalties.
  Well said the earl with a knowing smile I might arrange
it with the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.
  Not really gasped Mr Salteena.
  Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we
decide for you to gallopp by the royal viacle you must
be mesured for some plush knickerbockers at once.
  Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.
  Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers
said his Lordship picking up his elegant top hat.  Well au
revoir he added with a good french accent.
  Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done
we meet anon I take it.
  Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed
to the lower regions where you will no doubt find
tea.  He nodded kindly and glided out in silence.
  Here I will end my chapter.

  <1Chapter Six>1

  <1HIGH LIFE>1

MR SALTEENA awoke next morning in his small but
pleasant room. It was done in green and white with
Monagrams on the toilit set.  He had a tiny white bed
with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and one
of Windsor Castle on the walls.  The sun was shining
over all these things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy
eyes.  Just then there was rat tat on the door.  Come
in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward Procurio
ballancing a tray very cleverly.  He looked most
elegant with his shiny black hair and pale yellow face
and half shut eyes.  He smiled in a very mystearious
and superier way as he placed the tray on Mr Salteenas
pointed knees.
  Your early beverage he announced and began to pull
up the blinds still smiling to himself.
  0 thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld
compared to this grand fellow.  Then to his great supprise
Procurio began to open the wardrobe and look at Mr
Salteenas suits making italian exclamations under his breath.
Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his tea
and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly.  Presently Procurio
advanced to the bed with a bright blue serge suit.  Will you
wear this today sir he asked quietly.
  Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.
  And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio
what about this pale blue and white stripe.
  With pleashure replied Mr Salteena.  So Procurio laid
them out in neat array also a razer and brush for shaving.
Then he opened a door saying This is the bath room shall
I turn on hot or cold.
  I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and
ignorant.
  It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.
  Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more
manly to say that.  Procurio bowed and beat a retreat
to the bath room.  Then he returned and told Mr Salteena
that when he was washed he would find his breakfast in
the sitting room.  When Mr Salteena was dressed in his
best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting
room where a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the
window and a copple of doves cooing in a whicker cage.
A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio glided in with
some steaming coffie.  Mr Salteena felt more at home
and passed a few remarks about the weather.  Procurio
smiled and uncovered some lovely kidnys on toast and as
he did so bent and whispered in Mr Salteenas ear you could
have come in in your dressing gown.
  Mr Salteena gave a start.  Oh can I he said ten thousand
thanks.
  Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his
kidneys and chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from
a handsome purple box which he found on the desk.
Then Procurio entered once more and with a bow said.
His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it
might amuse you to go too.  Could you be ready by
11 oclock.
  Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion
what a levie is my man.
  Procurio gave a superier smile.  It is a party given by
the Queen to very superier peaple but this one is given
by the Prince of Wales as the Queen is not quite
her usual self today.  It will be at Buckingham palace
so you will drive with his lordship.
  Mr Salteena was fearfully excited.  What shall I weare
he gasped.
  Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers
and a hat with white feathers also garters and a
star or two.
  You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those
articles.
  Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his
second best cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and
I think with a little thourght I might rig you up so as to
pass muster.
  Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and
Procurio got very intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to
were his black evening suit and role up his trousers.  He
also lent him a pair of white silk stockings which he
fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes.  Then
he quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to
his chest and also added a strip of red ribbon across his
shirt front.  Then Mr Salteena survayed himself in the
glass.  Is it a fancy dress party he asked.
  No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you
see his Lordship - if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.
  Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till
they came to the Earls compartments and tapped on the
bedroom door.
  Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.
  I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust
he will do the hat of course will make a deal of difference.
  Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct
knickerbockers as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite
of the garters.
  Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is
on my bed.  Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the
feathers and gold braid became him very well but he felt
very jellous of the earl who looked a sight for the gods.
He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond clasps
and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed
up his long fine legs.  He had a floppy shirt of softist
muslin with real lace collar and cuffs. A sword hung at
his side and a crimson sash was round his waist and a
splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue eyes twinkled
as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.
  Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I
will get you a pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get
a hansome Procurio.
  Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away
to Buckingham palace.
  You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you
said the earl as he lit his pipe.  You see you are sort of mixed
up with the family so it wont matter and will look better.
  So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.
  Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and
that kind of thing and sometimes there is a little music.
  Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.
  Well not always said the Earl.
  I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am not so nimble
as I was and my garters are a trifle tight.
  Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the
earl if Her Majesty is in that kind of mood.
  Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr
Salteena licked his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd.  All
round were carrages full of costly peaple and outside the
railings stood tall Life Guards keeping off the mere peaple
who had gathered to watch the nobility clatter up.  Lord
Clincham began to bow right and left raising his cocked
hat to his friends.  There was a lot of laughter and friendly
words as the cab finally drew up at the front door.  Two
tall life guards whisked open the doors and one of them
kindly tipped the cabman.  Mr Salteena followed his lordship
up the grand steps trying to feel as homely as he could.
Then a splendid looking fellow in a red tunick and a sort
of black velvit tam a shanter stepped forward from the
throng shouting what name please.
  The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied
the earl gently nudging Mr Salteena to act up.  Mr Salteena
nodded and blinked at the menial as much as to say
all is well and then he and the earl hung up their cocked
hats on two pegs.  This way cried a deep voice and
another menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top
boots and a green velvit coat with a leather belt also
a very shiny top hat.  They followed this fellow down
countless corridoors and finally came to big folding doors.
The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with his
white glove as calmly as could be.  Mr. Salteena purspired
rarther hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.
  Then the portles divided and their names were shouted
in chorus by countless domesticks.  The sumshious room
was packed with men of a noble nature dressed like the
earl in satin knickerboccers etc and with ladies of every hue
with long trains and jewels by the dozen.  You could
hardly moove in the gay throng.  Dukes were as nought
as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it
was a very superier levie indeed.  The earl and Mr Salteena
struggled through the crowd till they came to a
platform draped with white velvit.  Here on a golden
chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine
cloak and a small but costly crown.  He was chatting quite
genially with some of the crowd.
  Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr
Salteena.
  Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not
at all grand so glad you turned up - quite a squash eh.
  A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who
was quite used to all this may I introduce my friend Lord
Hyssops he is staying with me so I thought I would bring
him along if you dont mind Prince.
  Not at all cried the genial prince looking rarther
supprised.  Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the
platform and as the prince put out a hand Mr Salteena
thought he had better kiss it.  The Prince smiled kindly I
am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a regal voice.
  Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen
he said reveruntly.
  Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat
poor soul and he waved to a placard which said in large
letters The Queen is indisposed.
  Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet
glass of champaigne he said you come too Clincham and
bring your friend the Diplomats are arriving and I am
not much in the mood for deep talk I have already signed
a dozen documents so I have done my duty.
  They all went out by a private door and found themselves
in a smaller but gorgous room.  The Prince tapped
on the table and instantly two menials in red tunics
appeared.  Bring three glasses of champaigne commanded
the prince and some ices he added majestikally.  The goods
appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case
and passed it round.
  One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.
  Ah yes agreed the earl.
  It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry
ice all I want is peace and quiut and a little fun and here
I am tied down to this life he said taking off his crown
being royal has many painfull drawbacks.
  True mused the Earl.
  Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from
the next room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena.
Who did you say you were he asked in a puzzled tone.
  Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at
the lie.
  Well you are not a bit like the Lord Hyssops I know
replied the Prince could you explain matters.
  Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown
very pale and seemed lost for the moment. However he
quickly recovered.
  He is quite allright really Prince he said.  His mother
was called Miss Hyssops of the Glen.
  Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but
who was your father eh.
  Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so
in trembly tones he muttered My poor father was but a
butcher your Highness a very honest one I may add and
passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena and my name
is Alfred Salteena.
  The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther
admired Mr Salteena for his truthful utterance - Oh I see
he said well why did you palm off on my menials as Lord
Hyssops eh.
  Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but the earl came
to the rescue nobly.  My fault entirely Prince he chimed
in, as I was bringing him to this very supearier levie I
thought it would be better to say he was of noble birth
have I offended your Royal dignity.
  Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps
I will ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.
  Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee
that would indeed be a treat.
  I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this
palace for my friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing
him up in socierty ways and he fancies court life as a
professhon.
  Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I
might see.
  I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try
cantering after the royal barouche said the earl.
  So he might said the prince I will speak to the prime
Minister about it and let you know.
  Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.
  Well now I must get along back to the levie announced
the prince putting on his crown I have booked a valse with
the Arch duchess of Greenwich and this is her favorite
tune.  So saying they issued back to the big room where
the nobility were whirling gaily and the more searious
peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc
were eating ices and talking passionately about the laws
in a low undertone.
  The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but
Mr Salteena dare not because of his trousers.  However
he sat on a velvit chair and quite enjoyed over hearing the
intelligent conversation of the prime minister.  And now
we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high life
and return to Ethel Monticue.

  <1Chapter Seven>1

  <1BERNARDS IDEAR>1

AFTER Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght
he would show Ethel over his house so they spent a merry
morning so doing.  Ethel passed bright remarks on all
the rooms and Bernard thourght she was most pretty and
Ethel began to be a bit excited.  After a lovly lunch they
sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad
Mr Salteena was not there.  Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe
I was thinking he said passionately what about going up
to London for a weeks Gaierty.
  Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.
  You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid
hotels and we could go to theaters and parties and enjoy
ourselves to the full.
  So we could what an idear cried Ethel.
  So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the
afternoon in packing there trunks.  Next day they were
all ready in the hall when the handsome viacle once more
clattered up.  Ethel had on her blue velvit get up and a
sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and looked
quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed
in a white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well
brushed top hat tied on to him with a bit of black elastick.
  Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take
care of your gout and the silver and I will pay your wages
when I come back.
  Thankyou kindly sir murmered Minnit when may I
expect your return.
  Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.
  Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed
perlitely to Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment
of her kindness.
  The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going
to a very jolly party and felt so sorry for all the passers by
who were not going to London with Bernard.
  Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a cab to the
manner born and got in followed by Ethel.  Kindly drive
us to the Gaierty Hotel he cried in a firm tone.  The cabman
waved his whip and off they dashed.
  We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty
said Bernard and he thourght to himself how lovly it would
be if he was married to Ethel.  He blushed a deep shade
at his own thourghts and gave a side long glance at Ethel
who was gazing out of the window.  Well one never
knows he murmered to himself and as one of the poets
says great events from trivil causes springs.
  Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was
spellbound at the size of the big hall - Bernard poked his
head into the window of the pay desk.  Have you a
coupple of bedrooms for self and young lady he enquired
in a lordly way.
  A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron
glanced at a book and hastily replied Oh yes sir two
beauties on the 1st floor number 9 and 10.
  Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no
objection.
  None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well
aired and the view is quite pleasant.
  Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright
eh.
  Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.
  They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine
compartment with a large douny bed and white doors with
glass handles leading into number 10 an equally dainty
room but a trifle smaller.
  Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.
  Oh well I would rarther you settled it said Ethel.  I
am willing to abide by your choice.
  The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing
gallantly and pointing to the biggest room.
  Ethel blushed at his speaking look.  I shall be quite lost
in that huge bed she added to hide her embarassment.
  Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about
a little table d'ote followed by a theater.
  Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went.

  <1Chapter Eight>1

  <1A GAY CALL>1

I TELL you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week
later we might go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of
Clincham.
  Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure
I would dearly love to meet his lordship.
  Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere
words.
  Well dress in your best he muttered.
  Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a
grass green muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun
colored kid gloves and a muslin hat to correspond.  She
carried a parasole in one hand also a green silk bag
containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief five
shillings and a pot of ruge in case.  She looked a dainty
vishen with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard
bit his lips rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself
and felt he must marry Ethel soon.  He looked a handsome
sight himself in some exquisite white trousers with
a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap.  He wore
this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in
his youth and so had Bernard Clark.
  At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of
the Crystale palace and speedily made their way to the
privite compartments. Edward Procurio was walking
up and down the passage looking dark and mystearious as
usual.
  Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.
  Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said
scornfully.
  Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.
  Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of
my belief giving a party.
  Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of
time Ethel he added.  Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.
  Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open.
Sounds of laughter and comic songs issued from the abode
and in a second they were in the crowded drawing room.
It was packed with all the Elite and a stout duchess with a
good natured face was singing a lively song and causing
much merriment.  The earl strode forward at sight of two
new comers.  Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a
pleasure and who have you got with you he added glancing
at Ethel.
  Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce
you -
  If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone
and Bernard hastilly performed the right.  Ethel began
a bright conversatiun while Bernard stroled off to see if
he could find any friends amid the throng.
  What plesant compartments you have cried Ethel in
rarther a socierty tone.
  Fairly so so responded the Earl do you live in London
he added in a loud tone as someone was playing a very
difficult piece on the piano.
  Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in
Northumberland but I am at present stopping with Mr Clark
at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in a somewhat showing
off tone.
  Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few
of my friends.
  Oh please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.
  The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and
presently came back with a middle aged gentleman.  This is
Lord Hyssops he said my friend Miss Monticue he added
genially.
  Ethel turned a dull yellaw.  Lord Hyssops she said in
a faint voice why it is Mr Salteena I know him well.
  Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowed recently by
my friend the Prince of Wales.
  Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted
by the ready wit of the earl.
  Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do
you come to be here.
  I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and
have a set of compartments in the basement so there.
  I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms
at the Gaierty.
  Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl
what do you say Hyssops eh.
  Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was
wanting peace tell me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.
  I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I
am stopping with him at the gaierty and we have been to
lots of theaters and dances.
  Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr
Salteena kindly you had been looking pale of late.
  No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have
you got any more friends she added turning to the earl.
  Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more
disapeared.
  I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel
said Mr Salteena in a low tone.
  Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery.  Well I
call it very mystearious you going off and getting a title
said Ethel and I think our friendship had better stop as no
doubt you will soon be marrying a duchess or something.
  Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said
blushing a deep red I always wished to marry you some
fine day.
  This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.
  But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice
trembled in his chest.  I may add that I have always loved
you and now I seem to do so madly he added passionately.
  But I dont love you responded Ethel.
  But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.
  I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind
of you to ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.
  This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table
my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.
  Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall
always think of you in a warm manner.
  Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr
Salteena in a gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard
with a very brisk lady in a tight silk dress whose name
was called Lady Gay Finchling and her husband was a
General but had been dead a few years.  So this is Miss
Monticue she began in a rarther high voice.  Oh yes said
Ethel and Mr Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his
forehead.  Little did Lady Gay Finchling guess she had
just disturbed a proposal of marriage.
  The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again
and Lady Gay Finchling told several rarther witty stories
to enliven the party.  Then Bernard Clark came up and
said they had better be going.
  Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have
enjoyed this party most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.
  Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added
in a tone of envy to Lady Gay Finchling.
  Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you
are in a hurry to be off and she dashed off towards the
refreshment place.
  Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and
he seized hold of her hand you will one day rue your
wicked words farewell he repeated emphatically.
  Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then
turning to the earl she said I have enjoyed myself very
much thankyou.
  Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye
Bernard he added I shall look you up some day at your
hotel.
  Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old
boy he added placing his blue crickit cap on his head and
so saying he and Ethel left the gay scene and once more
oozed forth into the streets of London.

  <1Chapter Nine>1

  <1A PROPOSALE>1

NEXT morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath
his pink silken quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel
with no more delay.  I love the girl he said to himself
and she must be mine but I somehow feel I can not propose
in London it would not be seemly in the city of London.
We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded
by the gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the
cows I will lay my suit at her feet and he waved his arm
wildly at the gay thought.  Then he sprang from bed and
gave a rat tat at Ethel's door.
  Are you up my dear he called.
  Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her
downy nest.
  Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to spend a day near
Windsor Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a
happy day.
  Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had
my bath last night so wont wash very much now.
  No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent
tone through the chink of the door you are fresher than
the rose my dear no soap could make you fairer.
  Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress.  Ethel
blushed and felt a bit excited as she heard the words and
she put on a new white muslin dress in a fit of high spirits.
She looked very beautifull with some red roses in her hat
and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked quite the
thing.  Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he
beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type
of manhood he reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale
broun trousers and well fitting spats and a red rose in his
button hole and rarther a sporting cap which gave him a
great air with its quaint check and little flaps to pull down
if necessary.  Off they started the envy of all the waiters.
  They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and
Bernard at once hired a boat to row his beloved up the
river.  Ethel could not row but she much enjoyed seeing
the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at the oars
as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat.  She
had a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this.
However he soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by
the mossy bank.
  Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling
champaigne.
  Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.
  They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending
up with merangs and choclates.
  Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard
in a passiunate tone.
  Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her dainty parasole
and sank down upon the long green grass.  She closed
her eyes but she was far from asleep.  Bernard sat beside
her in profound silence gazing at her pink face and long
wavy eye lashes.  He puffed at his pipe for some moments
while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky.  Then he
edged a trifle closer to Ethels form.
  Ethel he murmered in a trembly voice.
  Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up.
  Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for
you is intense he added fervently.  It has grown day and
night since I first beheld you.
  Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this
and she lent back against the trunk of the tree.
  Bernard placed one arm tightly round her.  When will
you marry me Ethel he uttered you must be my wife it
has come to that I love you so intensly that if you say no
I shall perforce dash my body to the brink of yon muddy
river he panted wildly.
  Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard.
  Then say you love me he cried.
  Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you
madly you are to me like a Heathen god she cried looking
at his manly form and handsome flashing face I will indeed
marry you.
  How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly.
  As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes.
  My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in
his arms we will be marrid next week.
  Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden.
  No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns
he kissed her violently on her dainty face.  My bride to
be he murmered several times.
  Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words.
  Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such
as this and she suddenly fainted into his out stretched
arms.
  Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden
on the grass he dashed to the waters edge and got a cup
full of the fragrant river to pour on his true loves pallid
brow.
  She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile
Take me back to the Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly.
  With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack
up our viands ere I unloose the boat.
  Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and
began to tidy her hair while Bernard packed the remains
of the food.  Then arm in arm they tottered to the boat.
  I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmered
Bernard as he helped her in.
  Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy
she added to explain matters.
  Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some
people do he added kindly and so saying they rowed down
the dark stream now flowing silently beneath a golden moon.
All was silent as the lovers glided home with joy in their
hearts and radiunce on their faces only the sound of the
mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke the
monotony of the night.
  So I will end my chapter.

  <1Chapter Ten>1

  <1PREPARING FOR THE FRAY>1

THE next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and
Bernard.  First of all Ethel got some dainty pink note
paper with silver crest on it and sent out invitations in the
following terms to all their frends.

  Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to Mr Bernard
  Clark at Westminster Abbey on June 10th.  Your
  company is requested there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards
  for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel.  R.S.V.P.

Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel
began to order her wedding dress which cost a good bit.
She chose a rich satin with a humped pattern of gold on
the pure white and it had a long train edged with Airum
lilies.  Her veil was of pure lace with a crown of orange
blossum.  Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog
daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with
pale blue satin ribbon.
  You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling
gasped Bernard as they left the shop.  Then they drove
to the tailor where Bernard ordered an elligant black suit
with coat tails lined with crimson satin and a pale lavender
tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he intended to
wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats
diamond studs and a few extras of costly air.  They both
ordered a lot of new clothes besides and Bernard gave
Ethel a very huge tara made of rubies and diamonds also
two rich braclets and Ethel gave him a bran new trunk
of shiny green leather.  The earl of Clincham sent a
charming gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real
lace and a photo of himself in a striking attitude.  Mr
Salteena sent Ethel a bible with a few pious words of advice
and regret and he sent Bernard a very handy little camp
stool.  Ethels parents were too poor to come so far but
her Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but
had been some years in the family and her father provided
a cheque for $2 and promised to send her a darling little
baby calf when ready.  Then they ordered the most
splendid refreshments they had tea and coffee and sparkling
wines to drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height
with a sugar angel at the top holding a sword made of
almond paste.  They had countless cakes besides also ices
jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on each some
cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up
in a wondrous manner.  Ethel could hardly contain herself
as she gazed at the sumpshious repast and Bernard
gave her a glass of rich wine while he imbibed some
whiskey before going to bed.  Ethel got speedilly into her
bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few
salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd
up and began to plan about how many children she would
have.  I hope I shall have a good lot she thourght to
herself and so saying fell into repose.

  <1Chapter Eleven>1

  <1THE WEDDING>1

THE Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel
and Bernard cantered up in a very fine carrage drawn by
two prancing steeds who foamed a good deal.  In the
porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted the
lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast.
The mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row
was the Earl of Clincham looking very brisk as he was
going to give Ethel away at the correct moment.  Beside
him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking bitterly sad
and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up.
There were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and
Bernard were one the clergyman began a sermon about
Adam and Eve and the serpent and Mr Salteena cried into
his large handkerchief and the earl kept on nudging him
as his sniffs were rarther loud.  Then the wedding march
pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and
Bernard as husband and wife.  Into the cab they got and
speedelly dashed off to the Gaierty.  The wedding refreshments
were indeed a treat to all and even Mr Salteena
cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling
wines.  Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech
about marrage vows and bliss and he quoted several good
bits from the bible which got a lot of applause.  Bernard
replied in good round terms.  I thank your lordship for
those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect we shall
be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some
day.  Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and
down sat Bernard while Ethel went up to change her
wedding garment for a choice pink velvit dress with a
golden gurdle and a very chick tocque.  Bernard also put
on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and clean
under clothing.  Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the
pair reappeard in the aforesaid get ups.  Then everybody
got a bag of rice and sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena
sadly threw a white tennis shoe at them wiping his eyes
the while. Off drove the happy pair and the guests
finished up the food.  The happy pair went to Egypt for
there Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm
spot and they had never seen the wondrous land.  Ethel
was a bit sick on the boat but Bernard braved the storm in
manly style.  However Ethel had recovered by the time
they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry
six weeks of bliss while we return to England.

  <1Chapter Twelve>1

  <1HOW IT ENDED>1

MR SALTEENA by the aid of the earl and the kindness
of the Prince of Wales managed to get the job his soul
craved and any day might be seen in Hyde park or Pickadilly
galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in a smart
suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat.  At
first he was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding
and he found his horse bumped him a good deal and he
had to cling on desperatly to its flowing main.  At other
times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena would
use his spurs and bad languige with no avail.  But he soon
got more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal
Highness seemed satisfide.
  The Earl continued his merry life at the Compartments
till finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who
haunted them.  She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had
rarther a bulgy figure and brown eyes but she had lovely
raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose like complexion of
a dainty hue.  She had very nice feet and plenty of money.
Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age
was 25 and she mated well with the earl.
  Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid
and he could not bear a single life any more so failing
Ethel he marrid one of the maids in waiting at Buckingham
palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant girl of 18 with a
round red face and rarther stary eyes.
  So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few
words about their familys.  Ethel and Bernard returned
from their Honymoon with a son and hair a nice fat baby
called Ignatius Bernard.  They soon had six more children
four boys and three girls and some of them were twins
which was very exciting.
  The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen
and Marie because the last one looked slightly french.
  Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he
grew very morose as the years rolled by and his little
cottage was very noisy and his wife was a bit annoying
at times especially when he took to dreaming of Ethel and
wishing he could have marrid her.  Still he was a pius
man in his way and found relief in prayer.
  Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he
loved Ethel to the bitter end and so did she him and they
had a nice house too.
  The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his
wife had a savage temper so he thourght he would divorce
her and try again but he gave up the idear after several
attempts and decided to offer it up as a Mortification.
  So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters
in this book.
    The End
    by Daisy Ashford