From: tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: A Balanced Diet (Was Re: Halloween Stories)
Date: 10 Nov 92 20:39:03 GMT
	<1992Nov6.214712.21269@crd.ge.com>
Distribution: usa
Organization: Sylvan Associates

[discussion of letting kids eat what and when the choose, and Barbara
Vivier asks for ideas for her son who like to eat cheese and sweets
and snack and eats very little of the family meal, which he used to
eat.]

I apologize for the length of this - instead of simply giving a 'try
this, do that' list, I decided to share some of my thoughts and
reasoning behind the suggestions.

You didn't mention in your message, how old is your son, Barbara?
(Probably, I should know, but I don't always keep track of this stuff)

   1) if one adopts the attitude of letting them eat whatever and whenever
   they want, how does one avoid making separate meals for them and having
   wasted food when they choose other foods than the ones you've just prepared?

Hmm, that's not *quite* how I've heard the idea presented. You do NOT
cook separately for your child. What your child may eat during the
meal is what's available. (You can try and be sure there's something
that you child considers edible at the meal, but in this case, it
might be tricky - have you tried serving veggies with melted cheese
sauce on them (it's a quick thing in the microwave)

   2) if they want to snack on even "healthy" foods 10 minutes before dinner,
   what happens when the rest of the family sits down to dinner?  (or is that
   a myth about the family dinner?)

It sounds like his eating habits have gotten out of sync with the
family. He's not very hungry at mealtimes because of snacking, and
he's gotten used to only eating a limited diet.

I would try limiting times he can eat. Like, he gets 3 meals a day and
2 or 3 snack times a day. And during meal times, he can eat what's
served to everyone. Eventually, you might want to lighten up and also
allow him to select a reasonable alternative - this is reasonable for
you, like cold cereal or a sandwich or whatever *you're* willing to
make/allow/have him make.

   3) How does one encourage (but not force ;-) ) a child to try new
foods?

We've even had Katherine refuse to taste foods she does like. We just
verbally encourage her, "Please take one bite - you don't know if you
like it or not if you don't taste it" and that we like it, or that we
know she's liked it in the past, or that it's like some other food she
likes. And we've taught her that she can take a drink to get rid of
the taste if she doesn't like it. And if she takes a tiny taste and
doesn't like it, we respect that, and thank her for trying. If she
takes a taste and does like it, she gets the positive reinforcement.

   I do believe in the philosophy presented.  We need help with the
   implementation details.

I think that in the case of your son (how old is he?) you might need
to sit down with him and explain that you need to change the eating
rules for him, because for people to grow and be healthy, they need to
eat a wide variety of foods. And that you want the family to spend
time together at meal times.

Something like:

1) He may eat at designated meal and snack times. This eliminates him
eating before meals. If you set him up with 3 meals and 3 snacks, he's
never going to go hungry.

2) At meals he can choose to eat whatever's offered in whatever
amounts. Perhaps he must sit with the family (even if not eating) for
some amount of time (depends on his age) even if he chooses not to eat.

3) If he decides to live on snacks and not on meals, then you might
need to limit the size and choices of his snacks (ie, 1/2 a sandwich,
or 1 fruit, etc). If he decides to eat cheese every snack, you might
limit it to 1 snack a day, when is his choice. You might need to
temporarily eliminate junk food from your home, so that it isn't
available as a choice.

None of this is to punish him or other family members. Never force him
to eat, but allow him to suffer the natural consequences of not eating
the family meal (he might be hungry until snack time). You might even
have the whole family try this approach - like when it's his snack
time, that's when you consider if you want a snack, too. It is
restrictive - although there will be the opportunity to eat every 2-3
hours. For each available time, the questions to ask are 'are you
hungry', 'what are you hungry for', and 'how much'.

I would try this approach for a couple of weeks, and see how it works
for everyone. I wouldn't comment on his eating more at meal, although
I would give him reinforcement for being polite, staying at the table
for the required amount of time, etc. If it works, then great. After
his new patterns are established, (1-2 months?) then you might be able
to relax the routine again, like with stocking more sweets in the
house, maybe lifting the cheese restriction, and loosening the
regulated snack time - there might still be a restriction say, during
the hour before dinner (*small* snacks only) or something. I'd make 1
change at a time, and see how it goes for a week or two, to see if
there is still a problem in any of the areas.

Often Katherine wants to drink juice or soda - and if she knows
there's soda in the house, she'll often pick that. Sometimes when
we're not willing to give her much caffine, we'll have a conversation
like this:

K: I'm thirsty
M: There's juice or water
K: I want soda
M: It's getting late, how about some juice instead - let's see, we've
   got apple or cranberry juice
K: I want soda!
M: Okay, you can have 1/2 a cup of soda, then, if you're still
   thirsty, you can have some juice

Kathy usually will accept this compromise (with some grumbling) and we
might have a disagreement when she comes back for more. I'll just
stand with 'you had your soda, it's late, if you are thirsty, you can
have some juice or water'. If she insists that she doesn't want one of
those choices, I'll reply that she must not be really thirsty then. I
think it's a valuable distinction to learn the difference between what
a person wants and what a person needs. I have my favorite foods, but
I don't eat them constantly, I have my favorite activities, but I
don't do them constantly - in between there are other things to eat or
do... 

I hope this helped (and if you read this all, you get a gold star :-))

-- 

Tigger (Grace Sylvan)                Mom of Katherine Yelena, 8/8/89,
tigger@satyr.sylvan.com              Corey 1/31/91; we loved him so,
                                     Robin Gregory born 2/28/92

 "It seems to me that our large goal is to find the ways to help our
 children become humane and strong."
 
              - Dr Haim Ginott quoted by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish