From: rich@theophilus.msfc.nasa.gov (Rich Krum)
Subject: Travel, Troll-style (long)
Reply-To: rich@theophilus.msfc.nasa.gov
Organization: Boeing Computer Support Services
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 21:17:29 GMT

The Troll strolls out from under the table, with a massive beard (mostly
grey at this time) a satisfied grin, and VERY tired looking eyes.

"Salutations and Season's Greetings, whatever suits--"

The Troll has just gotten around to telling the story, so those of
you that like travel stories can pull up a chair--the rest, kill this,
since it is likely to be a bit long, knowing me--.

A bit of background--

The Troll used to live in a small town in the middle of the Mojave
desert in California, about 90 miles north of Edwards Air Force Base,
where the Space Shuttle lands.  A chance to work with NASA showed up,
the Troll got lucky (?) and got to move to Huntsville, Alabama.  Strangely
enough, ALL the rest of the Troll's family were totally sick of living
the last 4 years in a sterile desert, without access to large shopping malls,
bright lights, and real schools found in larger cities.  This new situation
sounded great!  BTW, have you ever tried to sell a nice house in a very
small town--Ah Ha--now comes the problem.  The nice, custom built, designed
by the Dragon Lady, well priced, beautiful house still (#$%^&&^%$#$%%)
hasn't sold.  Being logical sorts, and having spent nearly 7 months trying
to live in two places, the Troll and the Dragon Lady decided to move anyway!

---------------------------------------------------

We now join our story, as <ruffles and flourishes> the movers enter, stage
left:

Them:  We're here to box up all yer stuff and steal it from you for a while!

Us:  That's fine, but we have a plan to make this easy.

Them:  Don' worry about de plan, it ain't gonna help none!

Us: Hooo Boy!

Four Days Later:

Them:  Thanks for all the sammiges and sodas--see yez in about a week or
so, afta we drag yer stuff to Texas via the moon---!

Us:  <Moan>

Dragon Lady:  "My whole life is stuffed into cardboard boxes!"

That Evening, at the next-door neighbors house:

Us:  Thanks muchly for the nice dinner (Damn, how come we didn't realize our
neighbor was so darn nice and caring---)!

Neighbors:  "Don't forget to write or call, and we will keep a careful eye on
the house for you--You guys are the best neighbors we EVER had!"

Goose:  "Howcome we find nice people in this town just when we're leaving???"

The next day, after polishing the house from top to bottom:

Dragon Lady: Whaddaya mean the right front tyre on the #$%^% van is
absolutely flat <rising inflection--sign of mortal Troll danger>!

Troll:  No problem, I'll just drag out the air compressor and pump it
up again----

One hour later, after much pumping, cussing, and general tire-changing
activity on a big GMC van:

Troll:  Rackafratz!  BOTH front tyres are cracked and rotted from the desert
air and sunshine <mumble, mumble, sulpherous rumble, mumble> (you get the
feeling things are not going well today???)

The Very Next Day, in front of Costco wholesale's tire display:

Troll:  I need two Michelin tires, size 235 P70 R/15, please!

Salesdroid:  We gottem, gonna cost ya --- (deleted for faint hearts)

That same day, hours later, after mounting tires, etc:

Troll:  NOW! we get under way!

Dragon Lady: Finally (fuming softly -- Troll in trouble again)

Goose (youngest boy child):  Daddy, are we there yet (repeat at many
inappropriate intervals as desired)

Dog:  <Snore>

It's now late at night, somewhere outside Flagstaff, Arizona:

Troll:  Hm, it is a bit cool outside!  What's the air temp, dear?

Dragon Lady (Flashlight on thermometer):  About 15 degrees (F).

Troll:  Hm, could be interesting---

Outside:  <Visibility suddenly drops to about the hood ornament on the
van--hood ornament--there IS no hood ornament on a van--guess what, troll,
there ain't any visibility EITHER!!!!!>

Troll:  < expletives deleted in rapid sucession >

Van: < rumble, bounce, rattle, skip rolls >

Goose:  Are we---

Troll, through gritted teeth:  Not now!

Dog: < snore>

Much bouncing through fog and slush later:

Troll:  Yes, we have reservations, (but we're gonna stay here anyway)
and it's spelt with a "K"!

Clerk-droid:  "Welcome to Holiday Inn--the restaurant closes in 20
minutes!"

Stomaches of assembled multitude:  < Growwwl! >

Next day, outside hotel:

Dragon Lady:  I don't care what time it is, it's time for breakfast!

Troll:  OK, the Grand Canyon can wait!

Goose:  Are we---

After Breakfast, in hotel driveway, heading up to road:

Van:  <rumble, slip, WHIIIIRRRR! >

Troll:  < mumble, mumble, @#$% icy driveway, #$%^ chains, @#$%! >

4 hours later, at entrance to south rim of Grand Canyon:

Ranger-person:  "Yes sir, that'tl be ten dollars for the user fee, that's
good for 10 days in the park, here's your brochures.  And, have a nice day!"

Troll:  < Concealed Savage Smile, type 1 >  Thank-you.  (@#$% gun-toting
rip-off snivel service @#$%!)

Dragon Lady:  Are you sure this is worth the time?

Troll: < mumble > Kid needs to see it--only chance < mumble >

Dog:  < gotta go, now, Whine!  >

Goose:  Where's the canyon?

10 minutes later:

Troll, holding very concerned looking dog on leash:  "You guys look at the 
canyon, I'll take a picture or two--<click> <click> <whirrr>.  Darn,
I thought I hadda few more shots on this roll---!

5 minutes later:

Dog:  < Hey, here's a good spot--SIGH--that felt better >

Troll:  Thanksa bunch dog, right in the middle of the trail, huh? Hope you got
my $10 worth!

5 minutes later:

Dragon Lady:  Hey, howcum that new front tyre's flat now?

Troll, after hauling out air compressor yet again:  "Rackafratz, new tyre--
bad rim, bad valve, howcum McGyver never has problems like this--"

# hours later, at a gas station in Flagstaff (Note lack of progress to
Albuquerque, New Mexico!):

Tyre-buster person:  "Looks like that tyre valve was bad for years--thatt'l
be $12.50 for the repairs--have a nice day"

Troll: <mumble>

Goose:  Daddy, are we there yet?

Dragon Lady:  I told you not to waste time on that silly hole in the ground--

On the road again, after several gas stops of a large magnitude:

Troll:  < Darn, I guess we got the kinks worked out, finally >

Dragon Lady:  Boy, it`s sure getting cold out again!

Dog: < Snore >

Troll (rather tired):  How far is it to Albuquerqe?

Dragon Lady:  Sign says 120 miles.

Troll:  "Well, that's only a couple hours or so at this speed--we're
cracking 55 at the moment.  At least the pavement's clear"

Goose: (you guessed it)

Dog: < snore >

10 seconds later:

van, with great volume and ferocity: < RUMMMBLE, Bounce, Jounce, Pounce,
VIBBBBBBRATE, SHAKE, RATTLE, POUND, >

Troll:  What the----

Dragon Lady:  What the----

Goose:  What the----

Dog:  < snore--snort--DANGER--BARK--BARK-- >

Van continues potentially destructive motions in all directions, on 6 or more
inches of frozen ice and snow chunks that the plows have NOT taken off the 
roadway:

Troll, body tense, hands clenched on wheel, straining for calm, feet FLAT on
floor, listening to van dance a jig of destruction: --

Dragon Lady: --

Goose:  Daddy, are we there yet?

Dog: < BARK--BARK, etc. >

30 seconds to half an eternity later:

Troll:  Is the van still together?  Is the car still on the trailer?
Is the hitch still on the van?  Where the #$%^ is the #$%^ road?

Dragon Lady:  Lookout--that's a big truck up there!

Troll (touches brakes and countersteers the resulting skid, many times!):
@#$% slow trucks!

Goose:  Daddy, the car is still there (repeat several times, louder each time)

More of the same for the next 3 hours.  It's now 2:00AM:

Holiday Inn Desk Clerk:  "I'm sorry, but our restaurant closed three hours ago.
Have a nice day"

After walking to the room:

Troll: Well, I gues we should get some food---(trails off to silence when
he notes DL's expression at 2:00 AM)

Dragon Lady: < Stony Silence, type one, storm brewing >

< Snarls and growls deleted >  < Dinner deleted >

Next Morning:

Troll, while checking the van, notes that the front is totally covered with 
1/4 inch of ice from the previous night.

At the International House of Pancakes Restaurant nearby:

Troll, Dragon Lady, and Goose have a wonderful breakfast, and resolve to 
get on the road as soon as they finish their coffee and tea--around 10:00AM!

In the Parking Lot:

Naturally, the entire place is shrouded in fog, with ice crystals floating in
the air.  Looks like Pixie dust, its really pretty.  The Troll knows that
driving is gonna be a class-A bummer in that stuff.  The air temperature
is about 10 degrees at most!

On the road:

Finally out of the mountains, the whole bunch is flying down the highway, out 
of the heavy snow, on dry roads. 

Goose: (usual question)

Dog: < snore >

Next Stop, Oklahoma City!

OK City, around 11:00 PM:

Holiday Inn Clerk:  "Your room is on the top floor, last building on the lot,
next to the railroad tracks.  Have a nice Day"

Troll: <Grrrr>

Hotel Room:

Dragon Lady:  "Boy, they sure stuck us in the back, did'nt they?

Troll: <Grrrr>

Dragon Lady:  "We gotta eat something!"

Troll:  <Grrrr>

At the nearest steak-serving restaurant:

Middle of the night, nice waiter, fantastically tender steaks on the menu:

Troll:  "I'll have the 6-ounce sirloin"

Dragon Lady:  "I'll have the 6-ounce sirloin"

Goose:  "I want spaghetti"

Troll and Dragon Lady < Groan >

After most of the meal is consumed, and Goose has been stealing bits of steak
from the other's plates:

Goose:  "I shoulda got the steak!"

Relatively early the next morning:

Troll:  Our next stop is Memphis, but I'm sick of staying in these lousy
hotels.  Let's see where we get to tonight.

Dragon Lady: OK, what the heck!

(The stage is set)

Goose: Are we there yet?

On the road, somewhere in Arkansas, in the dark:

Dragon Lady:  Let's stop and get something to eat.

Troll:  Sounds great--check the tourbook for a restaurant.

Dragon Lady:  Lesse here--hey, here's a place that has three stars--they
have real Southern Cooking, and it's right off the highway!

Troll:  OK, we'll tie the dog up somewhere when we get there.

At the Restaurant:

Troll:  I've got a dog with us, have you a place we can tie her?

Wonderful Waitress:  What a cute doggie--I have two just like her!
Tie here up back here.

Troll:  Do you have a few scraps I could give her so the dog will be quiet
while we eat?

WW: Sure, I'll get them for her.

Troll: Thanks muchly. (not knowing that his fate is sealed)

After a wonderous meal that the Troll, unfortunately, had little time to
enjoy, since the dog tried to tear apart the restaurant back yard to get
back to defend HER people/fellow dogs/whatever.  The Troll spent the meal
walking the dog in the parking lot, after wolfing down a great BBQ sandwich.  
The dog, however, ate well.  She had several pork chops, and a big bowl of 
water, and a bunch of chicken and dumplings, the speciality of the cook.  

( Alarm bells should be going off about here, but the Troll is too 
tired to pay attention.)

About 20 minutes later, on the road to Memphis, Tennessee:

Troll: < Hm, its about, oh, 100 miles from Memphis to Huntsville-- >

Dog:  <  Rumble, rumble, BRAAACK >

Goose: Daddy---

Dog:  <  Rumble, rumble, BRAAACK >

Goose: DADDY---!

Troll, (Hm, what's that noise????):  Now What?

Goose:  Daddy, the dog is standing up---

Troll:  Tell her to lay down--

Goose:  She Can't--

Troll: What!!!!

Goose:  She just barfed all over the floor----I can't put my feet
down either!

Troll and Dragon Lady:  < GROAN >

Troll:  Well, she'll just have to stand there until we get through
Memphis to Huntsville!

Dragon Lady:  Dear, < in a voice that could cut glass > just how far is it
from Memphis to Huntsville??

Troll:  I think it's about 100 miles or so, why?

Dragon Lady: According to YOUR map set, it's over 200 miles!

Troll:  WHAT!!!!

Dog:  <  Rumble, rumble, BRAAACK >

Goose:  Mommie, I think that one slopped on your backpack!

Troll: < Groan >  It's midnight, just to add to the fun!

Several hours later, about 4:00AM local time, in Huntsville:

Troll, carefully unwinding from the seat after 17 hours on the road: Well,
we made it!

Dragon Lady: < stony silence >

Goose:  < stony silence >

Dog:  < stony silence (at last) >

Van:  < stony silence (thank ghod) >

---------------------------------------------------------

Naturally, the Troll has taken a few liberties with the story, as
Sam Clemens (Mark Twain) was wont to say "Never let the facts
stand in the way of a good story".  But, this is essentially how the
adventure will be remembered by our gang.  Naturally, I hope the story did
not offend too many gentle readers.  The dog, of course, has been very
well behaved ever since, but no doubt the Dragon Lady will remind me
of the departure from routine.

Naturally, since this happened, we have retrieved some of our stuff from
the movers, who were really nice guys with a sense of humour.  Since they
managed to pack over 23,000 lbs of our stuff in only 4 days, they gotta have
some cool!  

We are now jammed together in a small apartment in Huntsville, and are
looking for a house to rent.  Dave the Wave flew in on the 14th, so we are all
together for the holidays.  As usual, I'll lurk about a bit.  E-mail still
works, so feel free.

The Troll steps to the line--

"To travel, may it always be a learning experience, and may someone else
write the next story----"

< Crash >

--Troll
---
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