HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1484@twwells.com
Subject: none
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 03:14:07 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Hi there -
	This is the first time I read this group, and was touched by some
of the posts.  I don't really have that much of a story, but it still has
caused me some problems over the years.  I'm the youngest of four children,
and lived in an alcoholic family setting until age 7.  We left my father at
that time, and he died a couple years later.  While living with in that 
bad time, I remember my mother (I'm male) caressing my butt in an inappropriate
way one time, and I remember my sister (five years older) teaching me to 
play a game called "nasty".  It wasn't anything too terrible - just playing
doctor.  I was kind of numbed and retarded at the time, because my father
beat me some, and as soon as I learned this new game, I tried it out with a
friend (also male).  We didn't touch each other, just curious, but I remember
getting caught by a friend of my sisters.  She told my sister, my sister told
my mother, and I found myself explaining "we were just playing nasty like 
[sis] and me" :-)  That didn't go over very well.  As I grew up, my whole
family has dumped on me every step of the way, treating my like the 
scapegoat for everything bad and weak in the family.  They've also treated
me in indirect and puzzling ways, as if I were gay, when I'm not at all.
Recently I realized that this even way back then, was pivotal to my entire
life.  I've never talked about this with my sister, but plan to some time.
I'm sure she will deny it ever happened.

Take care all



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Oversensitive
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 20:50:09 GMT

fskmt@darkhorse.acf-lab.alaska.edu (Rowan K. Shaman) writes:

>      Never mind.  I was going to post something, but I'm feeling too  
>screwed up to do it.  Sorry. 

hey, that's ok.  you don't have to be sorry about it.  post what you want, when
you want, when you're ready to post it.  you don't owe us anything, there are
no quotas, and no penalties for almost-posts...
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: hi
Date: 16 Dec 1992 23:45:04 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


we are writing again.  we don't know if this service includes a name or not.
we think...who are we going to be?  we are going to be 'Us Peoples'  we are
sick of trying to figure out a name for all of us and we switch around a lot
but maybe that is okay.  we are also 'Angel & All' on twwells and 'All of
Kendra' on anon.penet...wow!  we actually decided to tell youall that...too
confusing trying to keep lots of names seperates...and we usually go by
christina, 'cause that is our 'official' name and most people call us that.
we used to be Chris when we were a kid but we don't like that name anymore.

we are really tired, been up working all night long.  and stressed about
all the money we have spent on our car and it still isn't working right
and we think we've been being ripped off by stupid car repair people.

we are so tired and shit, we keep getting scared whenever we try to write
about multiple stuff...we are stressed about stuff adn we keep feeling like
we need to talk about it but somebody is really scared, it's the scared one
she doesn't have a name but we call her the scared one and she wants us to
stop and we get this stupid panic and SHIT

FINE!  I STOP THE GODDAMN FUCKING POST.

sorry.

us peoples


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From: anon-1337@twwells.com (Riptide)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Journey of the Magi
Date: 17 Dec 92 23:30:40 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes



   I found this poem the other day while I was 
browsing in a book I have.  It is a little bit depressing, 
but I was stunned at how it resembled the way I felt
(and still feel) about life since I started healing.
It also has a Christmas aspect to it which seems 
appropriate to this time of year. (Even though I am
not  a Christian.

  A couple points, I took out the last line because it
didn't seem to really fit the way I felt.  Any one who
is a purist can look it up themselves.  Above all, 
the key lines are

    "And I would do it again"

  But this is a possible spoiler, esp. if you 
go find out what the last line is.


******************************

   Journey of the Magi

T.S.Eliot


"A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter."
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melted snow.
There were times we regretted 
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel at night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

  Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,  
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, and not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

  All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt.  I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.

******************************************** 


      Riptide.



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From: anon.70@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test post
Date: 18 Dec 1992 10:55:46 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.70@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Test message for new alias, sent at approximately 3pm Thursday.


All Me of Us


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu (Allen D. Taylor)
Subject: Re: take what you like
Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1992 17:34:54 GMT

In article <Bz1z3s.MBq@twwells.com> anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker) writes:
>
>BTW I miss the people who have left and truly wish none of this had
>happened. Please poohbear, Sierra, et al, keep reading, and if/when 
>you feel safe coming back, then come back and put bad guys in your 
>kill file. 
>

Okay, I am a reasonably competent programmer/analyst.  However, I work
on the big iron and just use Unix for email and news.  How _exactly_ does
one put an author in a kill file.  I can put a subject, but not an author,
in my kill file and I strongly wish to do so.  I use "rn" on a system that
says its "DYNIX/ptx(R) V1.3.0" when I login. 


--Allen

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake,
   not by mechanical aids,
but by an infinite expectation of the dawn,

which does not forsake us
   even in our soundest sleep . . .
                                            --Henry David Thoreau
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen D. Taylor      University of Washington   taylor@cac.washington.edu
Information Systems  Seattle, Washington  USA   Human 1st - World Citizen 2nd
=============================================================================
From: anon-1452@twwells.com (Baby Driver)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Well, I don't understand either!
Date: 14 Dec 92 15:06:34 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

I first posted to a.s.a.r about one month ago.  I
thought at last I had found a forum to post where
I could be free and where people understood each other's
problems (or at least were sympathetic to the needs
of others).  I have returned (due to a problem with 
GBnet, it has been impossible to post recently) to
find arguments and vicious back-biting in full-flow.

Ed Carp writes:

> If they are dropping out, that's their decision, not
yours.

I don't think that's a good enough answer.  I am not
prepared to take the whole world's problems on my
shoulders, however, this group used to appear as a
community.  I can't talk in an atmosphere of beligerence.

This next comment is in no way directed at Ed, who is
the only person writing on this issue in what's left of
my history file, but to anyone who has taken a terrific
self-help group of understanding and made it into their
personal flame-space.

I am leaving.  I know Ed couldn't give a stuff about me,
after all, that's my decision, not his.  Just to make it
quite clear .... I am leaving because of your attitude,
Ed,
and the attitudes of the others like you.

And I never told my story.

Intimidation and others always putting themselves first,
I have had enough of for several lifetimes.

Thanks to you all :-(

baby



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From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Unwinding
Date: 14 Dec 92 06:48:11 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Methinks the only way I'm going toget some sleep this morning is if I work a
few more things out that are really bugging me...  So, the standard

****BIG-TIME SPOILER WARNING****

Contents:  Suicidal thoughts, cutting, stress, etc.

(Just checking temp:diary/ and I see where I left off last night. 
Abandonment.)

So, after getting 2 indavertant rejections, and 1 semi-rude rejection, I came
home and posted on asar to releive some of the stress.  (Didn't quite work.  I
was still tense as all hell by the time I went to work last night.)

So I tried to call the semi-rude rejection person (the others weren't home or
able to be reached, and I needed to talk NOW.  Get a grip on that reality!)  So
she answered the phone, and knew (from earlier gimpses of what might have
evolved into a conversation earlier in the day, if she allowed it to) that I
was rather bad off right then.  That and my voice was betraying myself...  So
I'm told that she can't talk because someone is on the other line (Been gettin
ghtat fucking message all weekend from her!  That's one reason I went to her
place earlier that day!) but she'll beep me via pager...  I didn't even bother
to comment before hanging up the phone on her.

Got a page a couple of hours later, and she had no idea what was wrong, so I
ended up saying (since I was at a pay phone) then I can't explain it to you, at
least not now.  And I'm still pissed.  Talk later.  Goodbye.  <Click>


  So I ended up attempting to read a SF novel at work, and couldn't...  Broke
out the good 'ol notepad and pen and began to write a letter...  Got a good 8
pages worth of shit written.  Going to hand deliver this letter today, since
the US Post Office lost the last one I sent, or so she claims...

[And if she wasn't such a good friend overall, and this being out of character,
I wouldn't bother with any of this...]

But I'm still anxious and while my eyes are sleepy, I have more adrenelyn (sp?)
and shit running through my system right now it's not funny...

Doubt I'll be able to sleep anytime soon....  Ahh well...  At least family is
leaving town for a while, so I don't have to deal with them, or my mother being
condensending to me about everything.  ARGH!!!!!!

And now I'm going to go before I really start going overboard in this bitch
post...


Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi

   "Gone serious and shy, and they can't figure out why."
                --Suzanne Vega "Bad Wisdom"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Subject: Hello again
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division (SSD), Intel
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1992 17:59:26 GMT


Hello all:

	I have been scarce around here because this was finals week (yes, I go
to school too).  I made it, and I am getting my AASEE (Associates of Applied
Science in Electronic Engineering).  I just wanted to say that I am feeling
really good.  It's the first time in my life that I feel I really finished 
something I set out to do.  This is a sign of healing...  For those who are 
interested, I *am* planning on getting my Bachelor's (and possibly Master's).
	Now I will have more time to spend on my abuse issues, though I am
not necessarily thrilled about that.  In a way it's a relief, because I have
been feeling the pressure of my past and I am close to panicking about it.
So I have some time to see the issues and put some of them to rest.
	I just re-read that.  Oh aren't I the thoughtful, reasoned one.  I
hope I don't fool you all with this image of structure and harmony.  My life
really isn't so neat and clean.

Peace to all,
Peter
-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Warton (The h was dropped     | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago)		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ttfn  (tigger will know what that means :)
Date: 18 Dec 92 16:15:08 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

have to leave for home tomorrow morning...
wanted to give more warning than this but i didn't have time to write much

also kind of worried about leaving..i don't think i'll be able to write or read
and i won't be back until next month (1/19).
(i'll try but i doubt i can.)

so in case i can't 
take care  be safe
everyone.. (would name people but i don't want to forget anybody.)

happy (fill in the blank) :)
***hugs*** (optional)
darkangel




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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: an2344@anon.penet.fi
Subject: test anon server
X-Anonymously-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 22:54:31 GMT

testing, that's all right now.
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: A discovery by [BOB] (Please respond)
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 05:44:09 GMT

>Hi there people,
>I think I have come to a startling conclusion that I dont want to accept.
>I think I was sexually abused.
Acceptance is tough for me -- I stil have days where I don't want to
believe it, either.

>Sorry about that folks, I needed to let off steam.
Hey, this is a good place for that.  You did it very cleanly, too!  We
all (I think that's fair to say) need to let off steam from time to
time.  I sure do, anyway.

>Please, please, please reply to this. I dont even know if what I say is
>reaching you.
It not only reaching my computer, it also reached my gut.  I'm glad
you are here, and sorry that you were hurt.

-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
From: anon-1425@twwells.com (pathfinder)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: I'm not a cutter,but.. *possible spoiler*
Date: 18 Dec 92 15:50:08 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Unsure if this is a spoiler so i decide it's a spoiler


****************** spoiler * spoiler **************************








































^L
**********************************************************

Hi everybody!

After the recent postings about cutting i'm wondering if i could have
the cutting thing in me too?I don't cut wounds outside but i have 
inflicted bleedings inside,i'm not sure if this counts as cutting.

When i really hate myself i do this(with pants on):::
Usually i hit my legs,thighs with the backside of a screwdriver (the hard 
plastic part),if i don't have one i use my fist.I always decide the
number of hits,blows therefore the grade of punishment before i start.

This happens only a few times a year,so far(this year) i have done it
3- 4 times.I know it's stupid and i don't know how to stop it.After i have
done it i'm full of bruises.It's a big problem to try to explain the marks
not to mention hiding it,and takes weeks for the marks to disappear.

Every time i have punished myself this way i have been in deep self-hate
mode in combination/feeling of  done something wrong.It doesn't have
to be something important,to do a simple mistake when depressed could
trigger it.

I can only remember one occasion when i hit my self as long as i could.
My dog(i loved her very much) died and i took the hole blame for it.I could
hardly walk for a couple of days.

Anyone doing something like this?,feel free to mail.

* hug * to all who needs one

Pathfinder



__________________________________________________
                                         FEEL
                        It could take all my life,or it
                        could only take a moment.

                        -Kate Bush,Love & Anger
__________________________________________________



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From: sonia@joliet.berkeley.edu (Sonia Marx)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Deep, deep Alaska
Date: 11 Dec 92 17:58:34 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley

In article <ByLznv.5KG@twwells.com> anon-1280@twwells.com (Alaska) writes:
>
>I don't know what you're getting at here either. to me, this reads
>as if you don't believe that Runaway, Cousin or Date Rape happened,
>that it was all connected with my brother somehow. I hope that's
>not what you mean, because 1) they *did* happen, and none of those
>had anything to do with what my brother did and 2) that will
>validate my general feeling, one of the reasons I stopped posting
>to asar, that no one will believe that that many different abuses
>actually happened to me...could happen to one person...so many
>different perps...so many different events..oh god, there's more
>that I haven't even writtien abbout yet..ah my god Ive nevr told
>anybody about nay of this before I KNEW this wouljd happen I was
>a walking victin aaand it';s so embarrassign to have all this happen
>then not even be belived why do you think I don't want to go ot
>therapy ESPECIALLY group threapy??I'd be laughed right out of the
>roomno one would believe me NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME!!!!!!!!I can't
>type anymore I'm cryng tooo hard


Alaska,

*I* believe you!  Please don't cry...  No, I take that back -- cry as
much and as long as you need, but I wish you didn't feel so bad...
Lots and lots of bad things happened to me, too, and it's *hard*.  I
keep thinking that for SO MANY bad things to have happened, I must have
deserved it somehow, and each succeeding memory gets worse, and I think
"Now, no one will believe me," but so far, everyone has.  I'm still here
and you're still here, and that's the important part.

Most especially, my wonderful therapist has believed and sympathized and
helped me get through a very bad year.  She's a massage therapist, so she
provides nurturing touch as well as talking me through all this.  When
you feel that it's the right time to go into therapy, remember that there
are good people out there that will believe every word you say because it's
true.

Hug?

Sonia
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From:  (Someone out there)
Subject: first post: MILD SPOILER
Organization: Public Macs, Yale University
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 00:58:16 GMT



This is my first post.  I don't quite know what to say, but I want to thank
all who have posted here. Your articles have really helped me.  I want to
say more, but I can't yet.  Until the next time...
                            
 
Someone Out There