From: gsbrande@ACS.UCALGARY.CA (Geoffrey Sean Brandenburg)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.tiny-toon
Subject: The Net.Script!  Accept No Substitutes!
Date: 27 Jul 92 20:37:01 GMT
 
 
Just when you thought it was safe to put down your pens...
 
...it's ba-ack!
 
Yes, it's the latest official version of the alt.tv.tiny-toon net.script!
 
As your de facto editor (since our volunteer editor seems to have deserted
his post months ago) I would like to strongly encourage everyone to devote
the entire coming week to thinking up ideas for improving and extending the
script.  Believe me, it can be improved a lot!  (Except for the section 
between Babs picking up Buster, Plucky, and Hamton and the entrance to the
freeway--that's so incredibly good that it can't be improved.  No, I didn't
write that part of the script :-)  At the moment, I'd like to concentrate
on wrapping up the script since a conclusion seems very close, but if you
don't feel adventurous enough to write a conclusion on your own, then try
strengthening existing dialogue.
 
If I've used someone's idea in the script without giving credit, just let
me know and I shall rectify the oversight (or overfy the rectisight).
 
So, without further ado, The Association of Amateur Alt.Tv.Tiny-Toon 
Net.Writers proudly presents:
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
  BABSIE ON BOARD
  Written by (in alphabetical order):
                Sean Brandenburg
                Christina M. Callihan
                Julie Hazeltine
                Robert Jung        
                Kevin J. Podsiadlik
*******
 
Copyright 1992 by The Association of Amateur Alt.Tv.Tiny-Toon Net.Writers.
No part of this document may be copied, transcribed, produced or animated, in
whole or in part, without the written consent of the writers mentioned above.
 
 
 
INT. BAB'S BEDROOM, AFTERNOON.
 
BABS is lying casually on her bed, talking on the TELEPHONE. Babs rolls around
the bed and gestures casually during this scene. Babs is holding the phone
with her left hand, and in her right hand is a LEARNER'S PERMIT.
 
                                        BABS
                             ...yeah, Harriet, I finally got my
                             learner's permit. I'm soooo excited!
                             No more walking around, no more bus
                             riding, now I can get some wheels
                             and really go places!
 
Babs pauses and looks at the permit as the camera goes to a close-up on the
card.  All that is visible of the card is a photo of an out-of-focus monster,
done like a police mug shot. The name under the photo reads "Babra Anne Bnny".
 
                                        BABS
                            Except I think the photographer had
                            a brain aneurysm.
 
Camera moves back to where it was before.
 
                                        BABS' MOM (O.S.)
                             Babs, hon, are you ready? Mortimer
                             and I are waiting.
 
                                        HARRIET (O.S.)
                                  (Unintelligible
                                  jibber)
 
                                        BABS
                             What? Oh, they said I gotta
                             (SARCASM) practice how to drive
                             first, so I'm driving Mom to the
                             store.  
 
                                        HARRIET (O.S.)
                                  (Unintelligible
                                  jibber)
 
                                        BABS
                             Yeah, tell me about it!  Mom even
                             wanted to sign me up with that new
                             driving school... yeah, that's the
                             one--Acme Driving School and Scrap
                             Metal Emporium. Luckily I talked her
                             out of it--what a waste of time. I
                             mean, how hard can driving be?  You
                             point the car and floor it!
 
                                        BABS'S MOM (O.S.)
                             Babs!  Please hurry up.
 
                                        BABS
                             I gotta go now, Harriet. I'll let
                             you know how it goes. Byeeeeee!
 
 
Babs dashes out, leaving a BABS-SHAPED CLOUD behind.  The telephone receiver
drops into the hand of the cloud, who replaces it and then also leaves the
room.
 
 
 
EXT. OUTSIDE BABS' BURROW. AFTERNOON.
 
BABS jumps out of the BURROW hole, facing the camera. She is wearing
an English driving outfit, complete with driving helmet, goggles, 
muffler, and gloves. She poses and then speaks:
 
                                        BABS
                                  (Proper English
                                  accent)
                              Oh, I say! What marvelous weather for a
                              motor through the countryside. Absolutely
                              smashing! 
 
Camera pulls back to show the family CAR parked behind Babs and the burrow
hole. Babs turns and looks at the car; a HEAVENLY LIGHT falls from the
sky, illuminating the car. Off-screen, angels start to sing. Camera changes to
a close-up of Babs. She blinks and shakes her head. The camera moves back to
where it was but the light and hymns have stopped.
 
 
Babs jumps over the burrow hole, shakes off the driver's outfit, runs to the
driver's side car door, opens it, and climbs in.
 
View is from the car hood, looking through the windshield to the car interior.
In the front passenger's seat is BABS' MOM, seen from the neck down. In the
back seat, seen from between the front seats, is MORTIMER. Babs' Mom is
wearing her SEAT BELT, and Mortimer is seated in a CHILD SAFETY SEAT. Babs
slams the door and puts on her seat belt.
 
                                        BABS' MOM
                             Now, Babs, do you know what to do?
 
Camera is now at Babs' RIGHT SIDE. Babs is looking at her mother (the camera).
 
                                        BABS
                             Of course, Mom! No sweat!  (BABS
                             FACES FORWARD, IMPERSONATES JULIA
                             CHILD) We begin by inserting the
                             key, like so. (BABS INSERTS CAR
                             KEYS) Next we turn the key, like so.
                             (BABS TURNS CAR KEYS. ENGINE STARTS)
                             We shift the car into gear, like
                             so. (BABS SHIFTS THE CAR INTO GEAR)
                             Then we apply zee gas, like so!
 
View changes to close up of BABS' FOOT as she stomps on the GAS PEDAL.  The
view switches to the exterior, as the car rears up on its back wheels and 
takes off at high speed in a cloud of dust, tires squealing.
 
View is from the car hood, looking through the windshield to the car interior.
Babs and Mortimer can be seen thrown into their seats. The car passes the
camera as the audience hears:
 
                                        BABS' MOM (O.S.)
                                   (slightly upset)
                              Now, Babs, hon, you know you
                              shouldn't make the tires squeal
                              like that!
 
                                        BABS (O.S.)
                                   (bored)
                              Yes, mother.
 
View changes to Babs' perspective. The car is barreling down the street
faster and faster.  Everything outside the front window begins to take on 
a bluish tinge.  Suddenly a STOP SIGN appears directly ahead.  Reverse 
angle to Babs's face, with a look of panic.  View changes to close up of 
BABS'S FOOT as she stomps on the BRAKE PEDAL.
 
Camera is now in the car, at Babs's LEFT SIDE. The car screeches to a stop;
Babs and Babs's Mom are leaning forward in their seats, but are held back by
their seat belts. Mortimer's SAFETY SEAT shoots forward, as if on rubber
bands, but still attached to the REAR SEAT BELT. The safety seat stops moving
forward, and hangs suspended in mid-air, in front of the REAR-VIEW MIRROR.
Mortimer grabs the mirror with both hands.
 
The car comes to a stop. Babs and Babs's Mom are sitting upright, but Mortimer
is still holding on to the rear-view mirror. Mortimer faces the camera, with a
look of CONFUSION. He releases the mirror, and remains suspended for a moment.
The safety seat then flies backwards, and hits the REAR SEAT with a loud
"Wham!". Camera switches to a view of the rear seat. Mortimer and the safety
seat are imbedded in the rear seat, with only MORTIMER'S FEET showing,
wiggling slightly.
 
[We need Babs or her mother to say a devastatingly funny one-liner here.]
 
 
Scene changes to
 
 
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE 'TWENTY-FOUR CARROTS' GROCERY STORE
 
This is a two-way street with the store on the right hand side.  The
street is lined with parked cars on both sides for as far as the eye
can see.  For simplicity, there are no cars in motion (except for Babs's
car).  There is one parking space open on the right-hand side of the
street, conveniently situated directly in front of the store.  There
is a fire hydrant on the sidewalk beside the open space.
 
Babs's car drives on-screen on the right-hand side of the road.  
 
Camera shot is now from outside the car, looking in through the wind-
shield.  Babs is looking for a parking place.
 
                                        BABS'S MOM
                              Okay, Babs, we're here.  Now find a
                              place to park.
 
                                        BABS
                                   (pointing to her right)
                              How about over there?
 
                                        BABS'S MOM
                              Parallel parking is tricky, dear.  Maybe
                              we should find a parking lot.
 
                                        BABS
                              No way!  I've seen this done a million
                              times.  How hard can it be?
 
 
Babs tries to parallel park and fails miserably.  The car ends up 
perpendicular to the sidewalk, with the front of the car towards the
sidewalk.  
 
Calamity Coyote enters, walking down the sidewalk.  His hands are 
clasped behind his back and his head is down, deep in thought.  He
walks past Babs's car and then does a double-take.  He stops and faces
the car.  Babs cringes behind the wheel and turns an even deeper shade
of pink.
 
Camera shot from inside the car, behind Babs's head.  Calamity, seen
through the window, gravely shakes his head.  Babs sighs, and puts the
car in reverse.  
 
Babs again tries to park, but fails again.  She ends up perpendicular
to the sidewalk but facing away from it.  Babs leans out the window and
looks back at Calamity, who is trying to hide a smirk.
 
                                        BABS
                              Oh, yeah?  Let's see you do better!
 
Calamity thinks for a moment, then holds up a sign that says "WAIT".
He quickly dashes off.  Babs slumps in her seat and reaches for the
radio.  As she is about to turn it on, she hears a rumbling sound.
She looks around, and then looks out the window down the road.
 
Calamity Coyote is driving a crane down the road.  From the derrick
swings a large magnet.  The magnet picks up the car, swings it around
a couple of times,  and drops it squarely into the parking place.
 
Camera shot on the inside of the car.  Babs is slumped in her seat
with a slightly dazed expression on her face.
 
 
 
                                        BABS'S MOM
                              That was very good for a first try,
                              dear.  Now be a good bunny and watch 
                              Mortimer for me.  I'll only be a
                              few minutes.
 
Babs's mom leaves the car.
 
                                        BABS
                              Mortimer, remind me to never, ever,
                              ask Calamity for a favour again.
                              (Babs groans)  What a day.  What else
                              could go wrong?
 
[Okay, now we've got a problem.  Should the police officer be Arnold
or Gogo?  Personally, I vote for Arnold but net.consensus should decide.
(And if you vote for Gogo, also submit some ideas for the script at this
point!)  The script below is for Arnold.  I think someone also wrote a 
script for Gogo, but I couldn't find it.]
 
                                        POLICE OFFICER (O/S)
                              What is dis!??
 
Babs looks to her right and sees Arnold in a Police Officer Uniform (complete
with sunglasses and ticket pad) looking through the passenger window.
 
                                        BABS (ASIDE)
                              I had to ask.
                              (To Arnold)  Yes, Officer?
 
                                        ARNOLD
                              Hear me now you poor excuse for
                              a pink bunny rabbit.  You are
                              parked next to this fire hydrant!
                              Move dis vehicle now or go
                              to jail later!  You will not pass
                              GO or collect two hundred dollars.
 
                                        BABS
                              Fire Hydrant?
 
Past Arnold we can see the fire hydrant gleaming in the sun.
 
                                        BABS (FLUSTERED)
                              But...but....I just parked....
                              I can't dr......my mother is....
 
                                        ARNOLD
                              Listen to me now and understand me
                              later.  Move dis vehicle or get a
                              TICKET!!!!!
 
 
Cut to driver's side shot of car.  Babs turns the key in the ignition,
resulting in a horrible grating noise.  She thusly discovers that the 
engine was still running.  She momentarily turns to camera.)
 
                                        BABS
                              (embarassed laugh)
 
Overhead shot of Babs's efforts to extract herself from the parking spot.
Mostly futile.  Cut to Arnold.  He looks impatient, and glances at a 
wristwatch.  Finally, he pulls out his NIGHTSTICK.)
 
                                        ARNOLD
                              Move it along!
 
Arnold swings the NIGHTSTICK and slams it into the side of the car, with
sufficient force to drive it out of the parking spot.
 
Cut to passenger side shot of car, where a rather large dent now graces the
forward passenger's door.  Babs leans across the seat and looks out the
passenger window.  She waves to Arnold
 
                                        BABS
                              Thanks, officer!
 
The camera shot is again through the windshield into the car, showing us
Babs and Mortimer.
 
                                        BABS
                              No problem, Mortimer.  We'll just drive
                              around the block until Mom is finished.
 
 
Babs drives a short ways and stops at a red light.  BUSTER, PLUCKY, 
and HAMTON are standing on the sidewalk.
 
 
                                        PLUCKY
                              Hey guys, look, it's Babs!
 
 
The trio run to the car.  Buster leans in the passenger window.
 
                                        BUSTER
                              Hiya, Babsie.  How about a lift?
 
                                        BABS
                              Well, actually Buster, I have to...
 
                                        BUSTER
                              Great!
 
Buster climbs into the front seat.  Plucky and Hamton get in the back
with Mortimer.  Plucky is on the passenger's side, Hamton on the driver's
side (Mortimer is in the middle).  
 
                                        BABS
                              Guys, I don't think...
 
                                        PLUCKY
                              I didn't even know you could drive, Babs.
                              You must be pretty good if your Mom lets
                              you drive the car alone.
 
                                        BABS
                              Actually, Plucky, she didn't...
 
                                        HAMTON (interrupting)
                              Yeah.  _Incredibly_ good!
 
                                        BABS (preening)
                              Well, yeah.  Good?  I'm grrrrrreat!  
 
A somewhat psychotic smile slowly crosses Babs's face.
 
                                        BABS
                              Hang on and I'll show you some REAL driving!
                              
Cut to Mortimer, who looks at Babs in horror and then dons an ACME crash 
helmet.
 
The light turns green and Babs floors the accelerator.  The car shudders
and takes off somewhere close to light speed.
 
 
INT. CAR
 
The scenery is a blur.  BABS has a manic grin on her face, while BUSTER
in the front seat and HAMTON and PLUCKY in the back are looking rather
queasy.  Babs glances to the side & in the mirror and notices this.
 
 
                                        BABS
                              Hey, what's with you guys?  Isn't this FUN?
 
                                        BUSTER
                              Oh yeah, just--(terrified reaction as Babs 
                              cuts off a car)--just PEACHY! 
 
                                        HAMTON (timidly)
                              Babs, don't you think you should slow down 
                              a little?
 
                                        BABS
                              Aww, don't be a wet blanket, Hammy!  I've got
                              everything under control!
 
 
Babs screams around another turn!  Seatbelts stretch as Buster and Plucky
are thrown against their doors and Hamton is thrown into Plucky.  *SQUOOSH!*
(And you thought seatbelts saved lives!) 
 
 
                                        PLUCKY (sarcastic/woozy/maimed) 
                              Oh, sure, nooo problem!  I was planning to get
                              liposuction anyway.  
 
                                        BABS
                              Geez, you three sure are tense!  (glances 
                              at car stereo)  Maybe some tunes will 
                              loosen you up!
 
                                        PLUCKY
                              If I get much looser, I'm gonna puke....  
 
 
Popping open the tape holder between her and Buster, Babs starts rummaging
through it, naturally paying no attention to the road ahead.
 
 
                                        BABS
                              Let's see....  Madonna?  No....  
                              M.C. Hammer?  No...  Soundtrack to How I 
                              Spent My Vacation?  Naaaahhhhh.... 
                              The MILLS BROTHERS?!  How did _that_ get 
                              in here?
 
                                        BUSTER
                              Uh, Babs...maybe I should do that.
 
                                        BABS (still bent over tapes)  
                              No sweat, Buster, almost done....
 
 
The guys watch nervously as a large FREEWAY ENTRANCE sign looms before them,
with a RIGHT LANE MUST ENTER sign underneath.  Can you guess what lane our
heroes are in?
 
 
                                        PLUCKY
                              Babs...oh, Babsie-boo, a moment if you please....
 
                                        BABS
                              Don't get your tailfeathers in a twist, 
                              Plucky, I'll find something you like!
 
                                        HAMTON
                              But Babs...
 
                                        BABS
                              Sorry, Hamton, I'm NOT playing the 
                              Mills Brothers.
 
                                        BUSTER (losing it)
                              BARBARA ANNE BUNNY!!!!
 
 
Babs's head jerks up.
 
 
                                        BABS
                              DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!!
 
                                        BUSTER, HAMTON AND PLUCKY (unison)
                              YOU'RE HEADED ONTO THE _FREEWAY_!!!
 
                                        BABS
                              I'm _what_?!
 
 
Babs finally looks front, only to see the hellishly twisted cloverleaf of
onramps before her and what looks like a solid mass of cars speeding past!
 
                                        ALL
                              AIIEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!
 
 
The car screeches to a stop.  Camera cuts to a front view of Babs, who, 
it seems, has been a "bit" shaken.
 
                                        BABS (breathing heavily,babbling,
                                        trying to keep her sanity, and
                                        losing the battle)
                              Ok...  I think I remember reading about 
                              Freeway driving.....
 
While Babs is talking to her self Plucky and Hamton are looking out the back of
the car.  Mortimer is looking cute and innocent.  (what else??).  Buster is
getting a little upset.  He is looking at Babs.
 
                                        BUSTER (sarcastically)
                              You think!??!  Now there's a novel idea!!!
 
Babs ignore Buster.  Camera cut to an overhead view.  Cars are beginning to
line up behind the car.  You can hear the sounds of horns blaring and people
screaming.
 
                                        BABS (optimistically)
                              I can do this....All I have to do is survive
                              until the next exit (she laughs hysterically)
                              And make my way back to the store...(more 
                              laughter)  Simple enough (Babs then has a 
                              total breakdown)
 
 
Hamton and Plucky are still looking out the back,  Hamton turns around and is
about to speak to Babs.  He looks at her and then changes his mind.
 
                                        HAMTON (to Buster)
                              Buster...I hate to bother Babs at the moment 
                              but there seems to be some cars behind us.....
 
Plucky then turns from the window and practically crawls over the seat ignores
Babs babbling.
 
                                        PLUCKY (to Babs)
                              Babs, baby....I hate to be a kill joy but....
 
As Plucky is talking to Babs, Buster leans out the window to see the cars
lining up.  He then spots Arnold (dressed as a Police officer) walking towards
the car.
 
                                        BUSTER (screaming)
                              Barbara Anne Bunny... STEP ON IT!!!!!
 
[Okay, I don't mind using Babs's full name once in the script, but I think
twice is overdoing it.  Can anyone think of a different way to spur Babs
to action here?]
 
Camera shot interior.  Babs suddenly breaks out of her state and steps on the
gas.  Some marvelous transformation takes place and Babs is weaving in and out
of traffic like an Indy car driver.  Buster, Plucky, and Hamton are being
thrown around.  Plucky surreptitiously reaches for Mortimer's helmet but 
before he can Mortimer pulls out an "ACME Junior Mallet" and flattens Plucky.
Babs cuts off one driver and Hamton is thrown against a window (have him look 
like one of those window ornaments).
 
Camera cuts to an exterior shot.  Sign reads "Next exit 1/4 mile"
 
Camera cuts to interior as car zooms past sign.  Buster has now covered his
eyes with his ears, Hamton is still playing window ornament, and Plucky is now
on his knees praying.  Mortimer is still oblivious to everything.
 
Camera view exterior.  Exit Ramp sign is visible.  Audience sees what appears
to be Babs's car scream off the freeway, and screech around the corner.  
The car is coming upon a stoplight that is yellow and is about to turn red.  
All the toons scream (except Babs and Mortimer).  Babs's foot slams on to the 
brake.  Babs is thrown forward a little bit, while Buster, Hamton, Plucky and
Mortimer's safety seat are thrown way forward.  Buster, Hamton, and Plucky hit
the windshield and flatten against it.  Mortimer grabs the rearview mirror and
looks at the audience with an "Oh no!  Not this again!" look.  Buster, Hamton,
and Plucky fall into the front seat, and Mortimer springs back.  Babs is now
leaning against the steering wheel for comfort, her hair is now slightly
ruffled).
 
                                        BABS (breathing heavily)
                              I thought I said... DON'T CALL ME THAT!
 
Exterior.  Traffic light turns green.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------
 
[That's all we've got for now, folks.  Post those ideas!]
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sean Brandenburg         |  Babs:  Sorry, Hamton, I'm NOT playing the 
gsbrande@acs.ucalgary.ca |         Mills Brothers!
                         |     -- Babsie on Board 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
*=*=*=*
Well, that's it above, word for word.
- John

-- 
____________________________________________________________________
|  No New Tiny Toons Episodes in 1993?!  | The Original UnOriginal |
| "You know whut?  That makes me...mad!" |     John R. Johns II    |
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