From: rfelix@netcom.com (Robbie Felix)
Newsgroups: alt.parents-teens
Subject: Re: QUIET?...advice with kids...
Date: 7 Oct 92 14:51:54 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

In article <51920002@hpdmd48.boi.hp.com> karlf@hpdmd48.boi.hp.com (Karl Fengler) writes:
>Well here I am in "alt.parents-teens", which I found with help from,
>Kathy Cousins. Thanks Kathy.
>
>I would like some insite on kids age 11 & 14, a boy and girl.
>
>It goes like this, we've been dating for ~3 month. The kids were in Calif.
>when we met. Let me start with this, basically I feel they're OK kids.

If you *like* the kids then you probably have something to build on.
The relationship you have with them is a thing seperate from the one
you have with their mother, it requires all the thoughtfulness you
would use if you were trying to become a friend to an adult.

The best way to build any relationship is to try to understand the way
the other person thinks and feels.

If you want to know these kids you must do several things:

 Make sure you behave consistently toward them, establish with them
that you are someone they can trust. As with any adult, do not harshly
judge their behavior but ask them *why* they behave as they do in a
given situation,ask how they *feel* about things, particularly in the
things they do that you don't understand.
>
>My observasions here are this:
>           1. Both kids lack respect for mom.

The important thing is how *she* feels about this. You are talking
about *her* relationship to them. As with all adult relationships, few
people will appreciate the interference of another human in their
relationships. Perhaps the best way to address this is to treat her
with the utmost respect so the kids see how it works and try to
develop good relationships with them *and seperately* with her.


2. The language they use towards mom, in my opinion, is
>              unacceptable.
Again, it is between them. If you interfere in an area like this you
will be stepping into the middle of something that you shouldn't. You
will not win points from Mom or the kids if you impose your opinions
on them. They have already set this standard in their relationship.


>           3. I sence jealousy from the boy, for taking time away from mom.

I am sure he is jealous. The girl is probably jealous,too. Anybody
would be. WHat they are missing is time being nurtured by their mom.
If you want to make them feel better then you will need to become a
nurturing adult who alters the "scale" here. You need to be seen as a
*provider* of nurturing, not a drain on their nurturing. Spend time
with them and praise and encourage them. Treat them with the kind of
respect you want them to show their mother. Watch your language.
Develop a relationship that adds something wonderful to their lives.

>What I would like advice with is, how can I get close without it being
>as if I'm budding in? Also I just want any advice as to how kids behave,
>so I can see where they're (the kids) are coming from.

I live with a 16 year old daughter and my fiance. My fiance, Carl, has
never acted as though he were a parent to my daughter, he doesn't
discipline or address her behavior. I do all the parental stuff
because I am the parent. He will occasionally talk to her about
"room-mate" issues ( messy house-keeping, chores that need doing, etc)
because he *is* her roomate and has to live with these things. But I
am the one who sets the rules for her. I set the standard for the
relationship I have with her, which is that of a parent, he sets the
standard for the relationship he has with her, which is that of a
friend.

Sometimes he doesn't like the way she responds to me. He gracefully
minds his own business.We talk about our feelings and he trys to
provide input for me to help me set rules and standards that work. 
I rspect his thoughts and really consider them, but fundamentally we
both know that I am responsible for parenting decisions and
implementation.

I know that this sounds weird, but the only way to become a parental
figure to a child is to let THEM DRAFT YOU. If you are not the
adoptive or biological parent to a child, they are the ones who must
decide that you are an acceptable parental figure, and you must earn
this by building the kind of relationship that makes them want you to
act as a parental figure. If an adult designates themself as a
parental figure ( someone who makes decisions regarding their behavior
and actions) without laying the necessary groundwork of building a
strong relationship with the children first, it will be a disaster!

Good Luck to you. It is never easy to become part of a complex,
existing relationship. It will require a LOT of work on your part.
The journey is a great one and the rewards are fantastic, but go into
it with your eyes wide open, expecting to invest a lot of yourself to
succeed.

Best wishes,

rf


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