Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: i'm not supposed to be jealous... but...
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1992 13:09:50 -0600

 DOO> right now, we're a continent away from each other; 
 DOO> he's planning on moving here at the end of next 
 DOO> month.  the problem is, he has decided to start 
 DOO> developing a relationship with a woman here-- my 
 DOO> closest friend here.

 DOO> i didn't think it would be a problem.  after all, 
 DOO> it's never been a problem before, right?  wrong.  i 
 DOO> have been really depressed, really angry, and really 
 DOO> hurt-- especially since i found out how intimate 
 DOO> their conversations had become.  

 DOO> we've tried talking about it-- my lover and I.  i'm 
 DOO> not able to talk to my "friend" about it yet, because 
 DOO> I am still too angry at her for starting this.  
 DOO> neither of us can explain my jealousy; it is out of 
 DOO> character for me.  i don't know what to do, whether i 
 DOO> should ask him to end his relationship, or if i 
 DOO> should (or can) just let it run its course.  he is 
 DOO> not her "type," and i think she is likely to get 
 DOO> bored with him fairly quickly.  besides, a month ago, 
 DOO> she didn't even want to get to know him.  now, she 
 DOO> wants to sleep with him.  

 DOO> someone out there must have some advice.  the only 
 DOO> thing i've come up with so far is finding some good 
 DOO> books on polyamory and both of us reading them, so we 
 DOO> can get a better idea of how it's supposed to work. 
 DOO> :(

  Hmmm.  Well, you've probably already taken some sort of action, but here's
another two cent's worth.
   Imo, non-monogamous relationships work best (for me, at least) when there as
an agreed-upon process for consenting to the beginning of another sexual/love
relationship.  What that means for us is that both of us (my primary partner and
I) have agreed to say explicitly what we're interested in doing with someone
else *before* anything gets done.  It in fact works best for us to discuss it
befoer anything else has been even closely approached, so we spend a lot of time
discussing attractions to various people.
   This has side effects: pleasant ones!  Talking' about sex tends to improve
our abilities to tell each other what we like ( or to notice it ourselves), and
honesty works as a multiplier on sexual pleasure, at least for us.  It also
means that we aren't surprised by the proposal of an additional contact, because
they've shown up on the sensors from a long way off, if y'know what I mean.  It
also lets us know a lot more about each other's attractions and pacings and
emotional responses.  Plus it builds major trust, and uncovers hidden explosives
before they can blow up our relationship.
   We also have a "train brake": this means that is one of us for *any* reason
(and the reason need not be clear or even stated at the time of the train brake
being pulled) can say "I need you two (or however many) to stop right now,
because there's something important that's a problem and it needs attending to".
  In my opinion, anyone who doesn't trust their partner enough to desist on that
basis until full understanding and problem solving & healing can be done has got
much bigger holes in theri relationship than they think.  (Others' mileage may
vary, but it's kept my ass from being shot off at least once. <:-/  )
   I'd guess that talking about how you feel (duh, I know, obvious; please
excuse) with your partner (and, I'd hope, your friend) is the only way
out....with a decent chance of keeping both relationships.  I dunno; maybe some
bright person has invented a way around wading in and baring one's soul and not
beign stampeded by fear, but if so, they haven't published yet.
   I wish you many good things, and the grace to breathe deeply in those
difficult moments while you sort out what's in your heart and mind and then take
the risks to reach those things.  Let us know how it turns out, ok?

 * Origin: Mammals' Melting Point <Stipple City, MN> (1:282/341.19)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory