From: sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie (Simon Rooney)
Subject: Liff of Briag Skrypt (Part I)
Summary: that
Keywords: this
Organization: Trinity College, Dublin
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 13:43:42 GMT


******************************************************
************** THE LIFE OF BRIAN SCRYPT **************
**************     aka Briag Skrypt     **************
******************************************************
**************       version 1.00       **************
******************************************************
************** Painfully Tanscribed by  **************
**************  sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie   **************
**************        aka Noims         **************
******************************************************
**************      Totally exact       **************
**************    (as far as I know)    **************
******************************************************
**************      )C( Copywrong       **************
**************   Late at night, 1992    **************
******************************************************

  Firstly, a note on the format. If you think this is part of the film, you
don't deserve to even read this... go see it again/first. 
  All stuff in the left 8 Chars are peeps names. I've made up names for some
of them, so don't think they're real or anything.
  All stuff in square brackets (ie. []) are actions.
  All stuff in curly brackets (ie. {}) are my own comments.
  All other stuff is speach (so whoopie fuckin' doo!!!)
  All spelling mistakes are on purpose, wheather I know about them or not.
  All mistakes are also known by me, and were included to test you raders.
  All grammar mistakes (esp. in languages other than Merlinese (see below)
are also more difficult tests.
  All above and below conditions assume the reader is literate.
  Any corrections should be mailed to me or my next of kin (depending on my 
current state of decay).
  No poofters!
  Thanx are due only to Alexis Donnelly, Vinny Cahill, and Brendan Tangney
for providing a good reason for me to finish this (ie. the alternative is
work).
  I suppose I should thank a Mr. M. Python for providing the original words.
  Mhol na daoine Bu/bo/nach o/n Ifreann ce/ maith Gne/as le Lacha.
  This was written solely on an Acorn Archimedes, coz the alternatives were 
a TRS-80, and a <spit> PC <spit>.
  Send any lawsuits to Bruce@philosophy.walamaloo.au!!! 
  Eat and enjoy, citizen.

NB/ Mail me corrections, with the title: "Briag (v1) corexions", and include
   only the orrected line , and its position in the film (ie. tell me wot
   scene it's from.) If there's lots of corrections in one place, mail me the
   entire corrected version, orroit? Any substantial corrections wll be
   credited in Briag V1.1

*****************************************************************************

--------[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and
         (you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes
         to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this
         village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they
         dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman
         (MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a
         new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The
         men approach, still un-noticed until they are quite close to MC
         where they stop.]
--------[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard] 

WM1     Ahem
MC      Waaah!
--------[MC falls off her seat in surprise]
        Who are you?
WM1     We are 3 wise men
MC      What?
WM2     We are 3 wise men
MC      Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in 
        the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WM3     We are astrologers. 
WM1     We have come from the east.
MC2     Is this some kind of joke?
WM1     We wish to praise the infant.
WM      We must pay homage to him.
MC      Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting
        in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.
--------[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all
         the same.] 
WM1     Nono, we must see him.
MC      Go and praise someone elses brat. Go on.
WM1     We, we were led by a star.
MC      Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.
WM1     But we must see him, we have brought presents.
MC      Out.
WM1     Gold, frankincence, mhyrr.
--------[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well,
         wouldn't you?]
MC      Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit
        of a mess. Well, what is mhyrr anyway?
WM1     It is a valuable balm.
MC      A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.
WM1     What?
MC      That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
WM1     No it isn't.
MC      Yes it is, it's great big <mm>
--------[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big <mm>]
WM3     Nonono, it is an ointment
MC      Awww. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? 
        So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?
WM2     Hmm?
MC      What star sign is he?
WM2     Uhhh. Capricorn.
MC      Uhhh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WM2     He is the son of God, our messiah. 
WM1     King of the jews
MC      So that's capricorn, is it?
WM2     Nonono, that's just him.
MC      Awww. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
WM1     By what name are you calling him?
MC      Uh. Brian.
WMen    We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you
        Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
MC      You do a lot of this then?
WM2     What?
MC      This praising.
WM2     No no, no no.
MC      Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanx a lot 
        for the gold, and frankincence, but don't worry too much about the 
        mhyrr next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't 
        they nice, hmm. 
        Out of their bloody minds, still... 
--------[The wise men ventuer outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They
         then return to MC, an dproceed to take back their presents, as she
         talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift]
        Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here!
        Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aww.
--------[To the sound of angelic musiv, we see the wise men outside where
         they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright   
         light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the
         shed with her son.]
Brian   Waaah.
MC      Shaddup
         
--------[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening
         credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe]


Brian. The babe they call Brian
He grew. Grew grew and grew,
Grew up to be, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was suddenly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they call Brian
This man called Brian!                             


--------[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure
         is standing on a mount oraculating]


        Captions:       JUDEA  A.D.33
                        SATURDAY AFTERNOON
                        ABOUT TEA TIME
Jesus   How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.
        How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth
        for their possession.
        How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail;
        They shall be satisfied...
--------[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here
         we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit,
         lucky her}]
MC      Speak up! 
Brian   Ssssh. Quiet mum.
MC      Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.
--------[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man
         (Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man
         I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become
         clear.]
Bignose Sssh.
Brian   You can go to the stoning any time.
MC      Oh come on Brian.
Bignose Will you be quiet!
Bn wife Don't pick yer nose.
Bignose I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
Bn wife You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
Bignose I wasn't.
Bn wife Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Trouble Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
Bn wife Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
Trouble Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody 
        thing.
Bignose Don't you swear at my wife.
Trouble I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, 
        Bignose.
Bnwife  Don't you call my husband Bignose.
Trouble Well he has got a big nose.
Jew     Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that?
Trouble I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.
Man     I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
Jewwife Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Jew     Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any
        manufacturers of dairy products.
Trouble See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
Bignose Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
Trouble Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the 
        bignoses.
Brian   Oh lay off him.
Trouble Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? 
        Nose city?
Bignose One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
Bn Wife Language... and don't pick your nose.                      
Bignose I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
Man2    Hear that? Blessed are the greek.
Jew     The greek?
Man2    Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
Jew     Did anyone catch his name?
bn wife You're not going to thump anybody.
Bignose I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.
Trouble Oh shut up Bignose.
Bignose Ah. Orright. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
--------[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the
         real story.]
Bnwife  Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice innit. 
        I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Trouble Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
Bignose Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time
        I've finished with you.
Man     Sssssh.
Trouble Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
Bignose Oh. Right. That's your last warning
Jewwife Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly get hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH!
--------[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the
         area]
MC      Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.
Brian   All right.
--------[Brian notices a group of people in balck walking by him, including a
         rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
Francis Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the 
        status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.
Reg     Yeah, well what Jesus blaitently fails to appreciate is it's the meek
        who are the problem.
Judith  Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see.
MC      Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.
Brian   All right.
Trouble Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They
        shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big
        nose's fault... he started it all.



--------[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep)
         selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MC      Oh I hate wearing these beards.
Brian   Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?
MC      It's written. That's why.
Shopkep Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening 
                             his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]
Woman   Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well 
        again.
Donkey  Hee haw, hee haw.
Shopkep Stone, sir?
MC      Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.
Shopkep Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's
        craftsmanship sir.
MC      Hmmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.
Brian   Can I have a flat one mum?
MC      Ssssh. 
Brian   Sorry, dad.
MC      Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
Shopkep Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MC      Yeah?                                                 
Shopkep Local boy.
MC      Oh. Good.
Shopkep Enjoy yourselves.


--------[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large
         number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to
         get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd
         consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in
         front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the
         crowd to settle down.]
Elder   Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
Mathias [to a guard] Do I say yes?
Guard   Yes.
Mathias [To the elder] Yes.
Elder   You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering
        the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...
Crowd   Ooooh.
Elder   ...you are to be stoned
        to death.
--------[The crowd look anxious to kill Mathias]
Mathias Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That
        piece of hallibut was good enough for Jehovah'.
Crowd   Oooooooh!
Elder   BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again
Crowd   Yes, yes. <etc>
Elder   Did you hear him?
Crowd   Yes, yes. <etc>
Woman1  Really.
--------[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the
         woman's voice.]
Elder   Are there any women here today?
Crowd   [Guiltily] <mumble mumble>
Elder   Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
--------[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits mathias on
         the head.]
Mathias Oh lay off... we haven't started yet.
Elder   Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
Crowd   She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did.
        [Their voices drop as they realise their mistake.]
Woman1  Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.}
Elder   Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we?
Mathias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphey, just saying Jehovah.
Crowd   [Shocked] He said it again!
Edler   You're only making it worse for yourself.
Mathias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
Crowd   Ooooooh!
Elder   I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more...
        [A stone flys by and hits the elder.]
        Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?
Crowd   She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him.
Elder   Was it you?
Woman2  Yes.
Elder   Right...
Woman2  Well you did say Jehovah.
        [She gets stoned {the blasphemer}]
Elder   Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to
        stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and
        I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.
--------[The skocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping
         of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]
Woman3  Good shot.
--------[One of the two roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head.
         They do nothing.]
                                                                   

--------[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk
         home]
Brian   Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MC      Oh stop thinking about sex.
Brian   I wasn't.
MC      You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls
        like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?


--------[A number of beggars sit by the side of the raod begging. All seem
         sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading
         for money from a man riding a donkey.]]
Beggar1 Spare a sheckle...
Beggar2 God bless you, sir.
Leper1  Alms for a leper.
Leper2  Alms for a leper.
X-leper Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they.
        Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.
--------[Brian and his mum walk along the street.]
        Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC      Buzz off.
X-leper [Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC      A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
X-leper Half a talent then.
MC      Now go away.
X-leper Come on, bignose. Let's haggle.
Brian   What?
X-leper All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start
        at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.
Brian   No.
X-leper Seventeen-fifty? 
MC      Go away.
X-leper Seventeen-fourty.
MC      Look. Will you leave him alone.
X-leper All right... two sheckles. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MC      Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.
X-leper All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper.
Brian   Did you say EX-leper?
X-leper That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Brian   Well what happened?
X-leper Oh, cured sir.
Brian   Cured?
X-leper Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.
Brian   Well who cured you?
X-leper Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of
        a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
        next minute my livlehood's gone, not so much as a buy your leave... 
        You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.
Brian   Well why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again.
X-leper Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What
        I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit 
        lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something 
        beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, 
        excuse my french sir, but...
MC      Brian. Come and clean your room out.
Brian   There you are.
X-leper Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story?
Brian   There's no pleasing some people.
X-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir. 
--------[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road]


--------[Brian and MC enter their home to find a roman officer sitting down
         inside]
MC      Oh.
Officer Good afternoon.
MC      Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all 
        right dear?
Brian   What's he doing here?
MC      Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
Brian   Bloody romans.
MC      Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and 
        don't you forget it.
Brian   We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
MC      Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian?
Brian   What do you mean?
MC      Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...
Brian   My nose?
MC      Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
Brian   What is it?
MC      Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, 
        Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian   I never thought he was...
MC      Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in
        the Roman army.
Brian   You mean... you were raped?
MC      Aw, at first, yes.
Brian   Who was he?
MC      Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he 
        did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses
        milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me, 
        and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aquaduct.
Brian   The bastard.
MC      Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody romans, don't forget
        you're one of them.
Brian   [In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.]
        I'm not a roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a 
        heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and
        proud of it.
MC      Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are 
        you then, officer? 
--------[She then kneels down as the officer stands.]
--------{Hmmmm. I wonder how she earns her living...}



        Caption:        THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
                        CHILDREN'S MATINEE
Voice   Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath -
        The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser.
--------[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away
         a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the
         finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm
         into her robes.]
Brian   [Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}]
        Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes.
        Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. 
        Dromedary prezels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.
--------[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organisation the PFJ. On
         a higherstep sit (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below
         them sits Judith.]
Judith  I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must
        reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.
Reg     Agreed. Francis?
Francis Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the
        movement never forgets that it is the inaliable right of every man...
Stan    Or woman.
Francis ...or woman. To rid himself...
Stan    Or herself.
Francis ...or herself.
Reg     Agreed.
Francis Thank you brother.
Stan    Or sister.
Francis ...or sister. Where was I?
Reg     I think you'd finished.
Francis Oh, right.
Reg     Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
Stan    Or woman.
Reg     Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
Stan    Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan    I want to be one.
Reg     What?
Stan    I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me 
        Loretta.
--------[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comly with his
         request.]
Reg     What???
Loretta It's my right as a man.
Judith  Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta I want to have babies.
Reg     You want to have babies?
Loretta It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg     But you can't have babies.
Loretta Don't you oppress me.
Reg     I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the 
        foetis going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
--------[Loretta starts crying.]
Judith  Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
        babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the
        Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
--------[This seems to satisfy him.]
Francis Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to 
        have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg     What's the point?
Francis What?
Reg     What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he
        can't have babies?
Francis It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg     Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
         
                     
--------[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately
         crawls back.]
Guard?  Get out there. Get out there.
Boris   It's um... It's dangerous ot there. Ahahh. Oh.
--------[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is
         carryng a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away
         from his opponant, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by
         an armoured arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.]
Crowd   Aaah. Oh no. <etc>
Viewer  What a load of rubbish.
Brian   [He approaching the PFJ with his tray of food.]
        Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens.
Reg     You got any nuts?
Brian   Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's 
        spleens.
Reg     No, no, no.
Brian   Otter's noses?
Reg     I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.
Judith  Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian   Proper food?
Reg     Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits.
Brian   Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
Reg     All right. Bag of otter's noses then.
Francis Make it two.
Reg     Two.
--------[Brian hands them two bags.]
Francis Thanks, Reg.
Brian   Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg     Fuck off.
Brian   What?
Reg     Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean 
        People's front, caw.
Francis Wankers.
Brian   Can I join your group?
Reg     No. Piss off.
Brian   I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans 
        as much as anybody.
PFJ     Sssh. Ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh
Judith  Are you sure?
Brian   Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.
Reg     Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really 
        hate the Romans.
Brian   I do.
Reg     Oh yeah? How much?
Brian   A lot!
Reg     Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the 
        Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
PFJ     Yeah
Judith  Splitters.
Francis And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.
PFJ     Oh yeah. Splitters.
Loretta And the peoples Front of Judea.
PFJ     Splitters.
Reg     What?
Loretta The Peoples front of Judea. Splitters.
Reg     We're the Peoples front of Judea.
Loretta Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg     Peoples Front.
Francis Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg     He's over there.
--------[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
--------{Some POPULAR front, eh?}
PFJ     [To the old man.]  SPLITTER!
Goliath <pant> <pant> Oh. Ooh. Ooh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac
        arrest.
--------[He falls dead.]
Roman   Absolutely dreadful. Humph.
--------[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what
         he thinks of them.]
Crown   Yay. <etc>
Reg     Brother. Haha. What's your name?
Brian   Brian. Brian Cohen.
Reg     We may have a little job for you, Brian.  
  


--------[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting
         something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman
         guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian (Cntrian) who
         reads his writing.]
Cntrian What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go
        the house?
Brian   It, it says 'Romans go home'.
Cntrian No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
Brian   aaah.
Cntrian Come on.
Brian   Ah! Romanus?
Cntrian Goes like?
Brian   Annus?
Cntrian Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
Brian   Anni?
Cntrian Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.]
        Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian   Go.
Cntrian Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
Brian   Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Cntrian So eunt is?
Brian   Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
Cntrian But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
--------[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
Brian   The imperative.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian   Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
Cntrian How many Romans?
Brian   Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
Cntrian Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.]
        Domus? Nomonative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian   Dative, sir. 
--------[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.]
        Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh.
        The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
Cntrian Except that 'domus' takes the?
Brian   The locative, sir.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian   Domum. Aaah! ah.
--------[Again, the writing is ammended.]
Cntrian Domum... um... Understand?
Brian   Yes, sir.
Cntrian Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian   Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser, sir.
Cntrian Hail Caeser. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls 
        off.
Brian   Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser and everything, sir.
        Oh. Mmm!
--------[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentrys behind to guard him.]


--------[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian ahs written the slogan all over the front
         of the palace.]
Brian   Finished!
--------[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points
        his spear threatiningly at Brian, and speaks.] 
Sentry  Right. Now don't do it again.
--------[The two walk off as Brian admires his handywork. Unfortunately, 
         another group of guards come along, and realise whah has been
         written. Brian realises, and runs. They give chase, careless of the
         citizens] 

Man     Hey! Bloody Romans.
--------[Just as Brian starts to dispair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over 
        his mouth, and drags him backwards nto an alcove. When he is released
        he recognises his saviour through the darkness... Judith.]




--------[In the PFJ's official HQ, francis stands pointing at a plan of
         Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other
         members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colloseum.]
Francis We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through
        into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is
        here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our
        custardy, and forthwith, issue our demends. Any questions?
--------{Spot the dancing catepillars}
Rebel1  What exactly are the demands?
Reg     We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of
        the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, 
        we execute her.
Mathias Cut her head off?
Francis Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show
        them we're not to be trifled with.
Reg     And of course, we point out that they bear full responsability when
        we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail.
--------[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to
         their foreheads.]
PFJ     No Blackmail!!
Reg     They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
        And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' 
        fathers.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg     Yeah.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg     Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever
        given us in return?
Rebel2  The aquaduct?
Reg     What?
Rebel2  The aquaduct.
Reg     Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Rebel3  And sanitation.
Loretta Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Reg     Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aquaduct , the santation are two
        things the Romans have done...
Mathias And the roads.
Reg     Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, 
        don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aquaduct, and the
        roads...
Rebel4  Irrigation.
Rebel2  Medcine.
Rebel5  Education.
Reg     Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...
Rebel1  And the wine.
Rebels  Oh, yeah <mumbled agreement>
Francis Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg,  if the
        Romans left, huh.
Rebel6  Public baths.
Loretta And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg.
Francis Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only
        ones who could in a place like this.
PFJ     Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh.
Reg     All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medecine, education,
        wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and
        public health... What have the Romans ever done for us?
Rebel2  Brought peace?
Reg     Oh, peace. Shaddup.

--------[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide
         wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in
         a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and 
         ambles over to the door.]
Mathias I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.
--------[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
Judith  It's all right, Mathias.
Mathias It's all clear.
--------[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
Judith  Well where's Reg?
Francis Oh Reg. Reg, Judith.
Reg     What went wrong?
Judith  The first blow has been struck.
Reg     Did he finish the slogan?
Judith  A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the
        palace.
Reg     Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before
        you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly
        suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Rebel   Uh.. well one.
Reg     Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with
        us?
Brian   Yes.                                           
--------[Again the PFJ slaute, and Brian copies the movement.]
Reg     From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him
        about the raid on pilate's palace, Francis.
Francis Right. This is the plan...

                                                              
--------[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis
         dictates the plan.]
Francis Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will 
        approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to 
        the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers
        on our way to a conferance. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder
        of the PFJ will be co-ordinating consutant at the drain head, though
        he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has
        a bad back.                                
--------[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
Brian   Aren't you going to come with us?
Reg     Solidarity, brother.
Brian   Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg.
Francis Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman
        feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear 
        your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus
        memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault
        This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those 
        weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers.
        This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop. 
Chisel  <chink> <thuk> <thuk> <thuk>
--------[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which
         all the PFJ emerge.]

Hearts  <thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump>
--------[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels...
         the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other
         side.]
CFG 1   Sssh.
CFG 2   Sssh.
--------[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused
         moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh
         accent.]
CFGHead Campaign for Free Galilee.
PFJHead Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.
CFGHead Oh.
PFJHead What's your group doing here?
CFGHead We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
PFJHead So are we.
CFGHead What?
PFJHead That's our plan.
CFGHead We were here first.
PFJHead What do you mean?
CFGHead We thougt of it first.
PFJ Man Oh yeah?
CFGHead Yes. A couple of years ago.
PFJ     Oh, yeahehehe.
CFG Man He did!
PFJHead Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?
CFGHead 'Course we have.
PFJHead What are they?
CFGHead Well I'm not telling you.
PFJ men <growl> yeah.
PFJHead Oh come on. Pull the other one.
CFGHead That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
Various Ssssh.
PFJHead Did not.
CFGHead We did.
PFJ     You did not.
CFG     We bloody did!
Various Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.
CFGHead You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
PFJHead Well tought titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW!
--------[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
Brian   Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together.
PFJHead We are!
Brian   We musn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the
        common enemy.
All     The Judean People's front!!!
Brian   No. No. The Romans!
All     Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
Someone Yeah. He's right.
--------[Two Roman guards approach slowly.] 
Other1  Look out!
CFGHead Right. Where were we?
PFJHead Uh. You were going to punch me.
CFGHead Oh yeah.
--------[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all
         members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other.
         They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
Brian   Brothers!!! Oof!


--------[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the
         palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
Jailer  [Throwing Brian into a cell]
        He he he. <spit>
Brian   Aah.
Jailer  Heh heh he. <cough>
--------[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
Prisonr You lucky bastard. 
Brian   Who's that?
--------[As brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a
         white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
Prisner You lucky lucky bastard.
Brian   What?
Prisonr Proper little jailers pet, aren't we?
Brian   What do you mean?
Prisonr You must have slipped him a few sheckles, eh?
Brian   Slipped him a few sheckles? You saw him spit in my face.
Prisonr Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang
        awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian   Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! 
Prisonr Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put
        in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines
        out of your arse, sonny.
Brian   Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
Prisonr YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me
        up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...
Brian   All right, all right.
Prisonr They must think you're lord God almighty.
Brian   What will they do to me?
Prisonr Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian   Crucifixion??!!!!!
Prisonr Yeah. First offence.
Brian   Get away with crucifixion? It's...
Prisonr Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian   WHAT?!!!
Prisonr Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right
        bloody mess!
Brian   Guard!
Prisonr Nail 'em up, I say!
Brian   Guard!
Prisonr Nail some sense into them!
--------[The Jailer once again comes to the door.]
Jailer  Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant?
Brian   I want you to move me to another cell.
Jailer  Ha! <spit>
Brian   Aaaah.
Prisonr Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism.
Jailer  Shaddup, you.
Prisonr Sorry.
Jailer  [Walking away.]
        Ugh.
Prisonr Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, 
        they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again.
        which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing
        else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that 
        you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do 
        a fair days work for a fair day's...
Brian   Oh, shut up!!!
Jailer  Uuuuh.
Cntrian Pilate wants to see you.
Brian   Me? 
Cntrian Come on!
Brian   Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Cntrian I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified.
Prisner Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it.
Cntrian Shut up.
Prisner Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 


--------[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there
         are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently
         the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer (Designr) stands
         talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and
         in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3,
         and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various
         others.]
Designr <murmer> <murmer> with one large feeding area here.
Cntrian Hail Caesar.
Pilate  Hail.
Cntrian Only one survivor, Sir.
Pilate  Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian What Sir?
Pilate  Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown th the floor.]
Brian   Aaah.
Pilate  Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian   Brian, sir.
Pilate  Bwian, eh?
Brian   Nono. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.] 
        Aaah.
Pilate  Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Cntrian Has what, sir?
Pilate  Spiwit.
Cntrian Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate  Nono, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Cntrian Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.
Pilate  So. You dare to waid us.
Brian   To what sir?
Pilate  Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--------[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
Brian   Waah!
Cntrian Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?
Pilate  What?
Cntrian Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?
Pilate  Oh, yes.  Thwow him to the floor please.
--------[I won't even bother saying it...]
Brian   Aaah!
Pilate  Now, Jewith wapscallion.
Brian   I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate  A Wowman?
Brian   Nono, Roman. [<WHAP>] Aah!
Pilate  So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he?
Brian   He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison sir.
Pilate  Weally?  What was his name?
Brian   Naughtius Maximus.
Cntrian Wohahahaha!
Pilate  Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Cntrian Well no, sir.
Pilate  Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?
Cntrian Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius
        Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir.
Guard1  <snigger>
Pilate  What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Cntrian Well it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate  I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Guard1  <Snigger>
Pilate  Silence!  What is all this insolence?  You will find yourself in
        gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian   Can I go now sir? [<WHAP>] Aaaagh!
Pilate  Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Guard1  <snigger>
Pilate  Wight! Take him away.
Cntrian Oh sir, he uh....
Pilate  No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
Cntrian Yes, sir. Come on you.
Guard1  Hahaha. Hoohoohoo.
Pilate  I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
        Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend 
        Biggus ...Dickus.
Guard4  Huhuhu.
--------[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]
Pilate  What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus
Guard2  Parp.
Pilate  ... Dickus?
Guard3  <snigger>
--------[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]
Pilate  He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called
        Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
--------[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
        Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel 
        sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards?
        You're not...
--------[Bwian, sorry Brian siezes his chance, and scarpers.] 
        Sieze him! Sieze him! Blow your noses and sieze him!


--------[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A
         Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He
         drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.]
         {BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet
          later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's
          hammer...)}
Builder Hmmm? Oh. <whistle> <whistle>. 
        [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction]
        Sorry.
--------[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it
         stops, so he doesn't.]
Brian   Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
--------[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing
         by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall
         into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers,
         it must have been a million-to-one chance!}]
Alien1  Azzz.
Alien2  Rozak chabba.
--------[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.] 
         ship starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi
         crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.] 
         
Siren   Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.
Alien1  Aaaagh. Ghrote.

--------[A large cirgular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at
         them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an
         asteroid, and heads bach for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall.
         They crash at the base of the unfinnished tower and Brian walks away
         uscathed. Well, wouldn't you?]
Witness Ooh, you lucky bastard.


--------[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs.
         He come to a place where there are a number of profits standing on
         pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) profit, covered
         in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.]
Dirty   And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with
        the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride
        forth on a grey headed serpant, and throughout the lands there shall
        be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah.
--------{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?}
        [Next comes a profit with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian 
         Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.]
N.Irish And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two,
        or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched 
        sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on
        the head;                                      
--------[Finally, we come to a profit I have seen called the 'Boring' profit,
         but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into
         account his knowlege of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the
         Accurate profit (Acurate).]
Acurate ... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of
        things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to
        where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth
        those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an
        attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer,
        and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by
        their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night 
        before, about eight O'clock.
--------[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.]
other   Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time...


TO BE CONTINUED!! <jarring chord>