Newsgroups: alt.pagan

darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu (Richard Darsie) writes:
> Janis, once again I agree with you (I do that a lot!). My junior high
> years were literally hell because of all the teasing I received for
> being "different" and "not fitting in". This all started when I left
> Nepal (as I mentioned in a previous post, I live there for 4 years, from
> 1963-1967) and move to the Philippines. God, how I cried when I left
> Nepal - I realize now that I was crying for the end of my childhood.
> Anyway, I was unprepared for the larger "community" in the Philippines
> and so I was an easy target. Junior high kids aren't known for passing
> up easy targets, and they didn't. In the space of 2 years I went from
> being a basically happy kid to the brink of suicide. That's the power
> of words for you. All my years since then have been colored by those
> experiences. 

Ouch, from another victim -- me.  I was endlessly targetted for abuse
in my first couple years of high school by a snotty, aggressive girl who
took delight in hurting me, and encouraged her friends to help her in
this task.  I too thought about suicide, but I was born an optimist
and just knew that *someday*, *somehow*, things would get better.  
Thank goodness I was right.

I, too, begged my mom for help (someone else mentioned this from another
thread), and she had no idea of the scope of the problem.  She had been
popular in school, a high school cheerleader, and had no concept of
the problems I faced.  She advised me to "work harder at making them
my friends".  Yeah, right.

It hurt so much back then.

I don't really know how I was able to put it this stuff behind me and
go on to become reasonally confident and self-assured (I'm now the technical
lead of a software development team and sure couldn't do it without that).
Much of it came from the ability to "start over" at college, with a whole 
new set of people, some of whom actually appreciated a women with brains.
(Of course there were those that didn't, but that's another topic).

>              I still can't type about this without trembling fingers.
> Talk about imposed-from-without negative self-images - take it from
> me, they're easy to come by, especially in a society like our without
> community, without meaningful ritual, without emotional support systems,
> *especially for men* (thank heavens, this may be changing). Every so

I don't want to flame or nitpick, but these other women including myself 
posting here didn't have an emotional support system either.  I just
don't see it as being "especially for men".  All the people I knew who were
being ostracized in public school were women; I didn't know about any
young men being ostracized.  Perhaps you had the same viewpoint (knowing
men but not women having this problem).

> often I take out my old yearbook and look at the pictures of my old
> tormentors, trying to banish their influence over me, and look with
> deep sadness at my own visage from those years, which positively
> radiates self-hatred, and tell myself, "You're not him anymore."
> Sometimes I even believe myself.
> 
> > Blessings,
> > Janis  
> 
> Blessings and hugs to you all,
> Richard
> (Tuneweaver)
> ----------
>

When I look my old yearbook, I mostly think, "You were so dumb to let 
them hurt you like that.  They were mean and spiteful, and you should have 
just shrugged it off."  But it doesn't work that way.  I can say that now, 
but back then I didn't have that self assuredness.

When I look at my yearbook, I see my old tormentors and think "you probably
got what you deserve in life."  It's not said with malice or hate, just
based the experiences I got later in life.

Time, heals.  Nature, she heals too.  Thank goodness.  Thank goddess.

Blessings and more hugs,

Lynne
---------------
lynne@hpnst.mayfield.hp.com