From: jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: B&B:  Farewell and goodbye update for Monday, 8/31
Content-Type: text
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 12:03:15 EDT
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     NOTICE:  AS OF TODAY, THIS WILL BE MY LAST UPDATE FOR
BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL.  I AM UNABLE TO CONTINUE IN THIS
STATION DUE TO SEVERE MENTAL DISTRESS BROUGHT ON BY THE
IDIOTS WHO ARE WRITING THIS SHOW.  THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY,
8/31, HAVE SO SEVERELY TRAUMATIZED ME THAT IT MAY BE
IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EVEN CONTINUE TO WATCH THE DAYTIME
DRAMA SERIAL FORM ENTIRELY.  IT IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH TO
STRUGGLE WITH THE CONTINUITY ERRORS AND MISERABLE ATTEMPTS
AT HUMOROUS LINES THESE WRITERS ATTEMPT, BUT WHEN THEY GO
AND APPARENTLY KILL OFF ONE OF THE MOST *OUTSTANDING* AND
*NOTABLE* ACTRESSES TO APPEAR ON THIS SHOW IN THE PAST YEAR,
I AM FORCED TO CONCLUDE THAT THEY JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HORNY
I AM.

     Never get emotionally involved with a pair of mammary
glands.

     *Sigh*  O.K., I'll keep doing updates.  Maybe she isn't
dead.

     Monday on "The Bold and the Beautiful"

     THERE'S BAD NEWS, AND THEN THERE'S BAAAD NEWS

     Zach is musing by the fireplace while Felicia ponders
outside.  She comes back inside, and asks him why did he
bring her up here?  Oh, I haven't got to that part of the
story yet, Zach tells.  Besides the fact that I've been a
murderer on the run for nine years -- Felicia interjects
that he's not a murderer, because those guys killed his
mother (we need a legal definition of revenge here) -- Ganz
has been after him too.  Well, he caught up to me.  He said
that he either gets $100,000 or his dad's life.  I
said I couldn't raise the cash, so I agreed to knock off
dear ol' Dad.  Ganz said I better do it.  Why?  Felicia
asks.  Because if I didn't do Dad (doo dah, doo dah), Ganz
was going to do you.  I take it "do" doesn't mean a new
style by Jose Eber (shake it dahling)?  No, do means dead,
dropped, dodo bird, extinct, extinguished, six feet under
with a rose on top.  This tends to upset Felicia.
     Don't worry!  Zach says.  Dad will get the money.  I
trust him now, he seems on the level.  And if he doesn't get
the money, he'll do himself.  A solo shot.  Hara-kiri.  The
noble exit.  Felicia doesn't really like that and says we've
got to go and stop him!  Now don't go getting foolish, Zach
says, you've got to stay here.  Ganz doesn't even know this
place exists, and I don't know where Dad is!  Don't worry,
he'll get the money.  What if he doesn't?  Felicia asks.
Either way, the day after tomorrow we'll be in the clear.
You can't let him do this!  Felicia says.  Yes, I can --
you're the most important person in my life.  They hug.

     YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

     In the high-stakes poker game, they deal the last hand.
Jack can barely stay in.  They show cards -- Ringo's got a
full house.  He goes to sweep up chips.  Not so fast, man --
Jack's got four nines.  He's back in the game.  Ringo's
dubious -- you've got a long way to go to just break even.
Jack says I'm not here to break even.
     Jack appears to be bluffing.  Ringo's cocky -- he says
you've got nothing showing!  I forget Ringo's hand, maybe
another full house, but Jack's straight flush closes down
the house (a good poker player would've sensed the
possibility of a straight flush - poor writing).  The
friendly waitress says "It looks like Lady Luck's got a new
boyfriend."  She's pleased for Jack cuz he looks like such a
nice family man.
     Jack's up $50 K.  (So he's got $70 K total for those of
you playing the home game.)  It's getting late, and Jack's
been playing so well that the cowboy and the three-piece
suit want to call it a night.  Jack says let's make it
interesting -- I'll bet all I've got on the last hand ($135
K for those of you playing Yahtzee).  The cowboy and suit
are out, but Ringo wants to see "rookie/Jackie boy" go down.
He's in.  They deal the first card...
     (With $70 K and some a careful day at the blackjack
tables, Jack could easily have gone home with the $100 K.
But he's a gambleholic.  I think it's a bad move...)

     YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY

     Sheila comes into the main condo living room, sees
Brooke, and starts thinking "Brooke!  What're you doing
here?  You can't be back here and ruin my relationship with
Eric!"  She runs back into the kitchen.  Brooke puts Eric
Jr. into the nursery, and as she comes out Sheila deviously
enters again, asking her and looking surprised, "Brooke!
What're you doing here?"  Brooke says I missed my flight.
But I saw you get on the plane!  I decided I had things to
do here in L.A.  But Ridge is here in L.A., Sheila says, I
thought you'd done the smart/brave thing by making a new
start in Paris.  L.A. is my home, we've got a show coming
up, Brooke says.  They walk out on the balcony.  It must be
a clear night -- they can actually see the lights of the
city.  As they talk, Sheila is thinking about how Brooke
can't be here -- she's bad for Eric, bad for HER -- Brooke
leans on the balcony and Sheila thinks "It would be so EASY,
it's so TEMPTING..."  Brooke admits that no one else knows
she's in L.A.   No one?  Sheila says.  She moves into
position behind Brooke, saying that it's quite a view from
the 27th floor, you almost feel like flying!  Or bungee
jumping without the bungee!  (I'm thinking you are a major
dope for a devious snake, Sheila -- why not suggest a drive
and dump Brooke in the Mojave without a water bottle?)  But
just as Sheila goes for the push, Eric comes back in and is
mildly astonished to see Brooke.  Sheila pulls her elbows
in.  Brooke explains that she came back.  (Duh.)  Eric
suggests that they all have the dinner Sheila made,
together.  Brooke would rather talk to Eric alone.  Sheila
says fine, I'll go.  But Eric first pulls Sheila into an
adjoining room alone and apologizes for the situation.
Sheila can't help but offer advice to stay out of Brooke's
snare and keep the divorce action moving!  Eric says he's
still pleased that Brooke is back and his son is back, too.
He offers to walk her out, but she declines.  Outside the
door, she is in amorous pain, while Eric is troubled.


     DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, MAN?  AIIEEE!

     At the Bikini Bar, a college jock lays a line on
HelpmeRhonda -- "Why don't you dance with me anymore?"
HelpmeRhonda replies "Try again when you can ask me while
looking above my shoulders."  YES!  She gets drinks from Sly
and asks if she's seen the sleazy guy around.  Nobody other
than the usual crowd.  The guy after Zach -- tell me and
I'll take care of him, Sly says.  Rhonda jounces over to get
another order from some obviously-impressed guys, and we see
Ganz lurking outside, mumbling "You know where they are,
Chiquita, and you're going to tell me one way or the other."
     Rhonda comes back and asks for two mai-tais for the
couple WAY down the beach.  (All together now:  those are
some MAI-TAI fine TA-TAs, Rhonda.)  She doesn't like to go
that far away down the DARK, DESERTED beach, so Sly
volunteers, but she says "Yeah, and you'll get the big tip,
too!"  (No comment from the peanut gallery!)  She delivers
the drinks, and hears someone calling for her.  She goes
behind a bush (oh, smart move there) and is grabbed by Ganz,
who says (I paraphrase):  "I've got a big tip for you, baby
-- tell me where Zach is or I'll kill you!"  Rhonda does a
good job of hysterical screaming.  Ganz, the scum, also
tries for a little "fun", i.e. forcible sex.  Rhonda shrieks
out "Big Bear!" and Ganz tells her "that's a good girlie!"
SCUM!  He gives her a forced kiss and throws her down  --
does she hit her head on a rock?  She's not moving!  Ganz
turns her head and checks for a pulse.  I'm not sure if he
found it or not, but he looks furtive and sneaks away.

Meanwhile, I'm screaming how stupid the producers on this
show are!

     You know, Bobbie Phillips would make an interesting
Mindy on "Guiding Light".  You still in contact, Lance?

     Tune in tomorrow, when we hear Jim grimly say:

     "If Rhonda is off this show, my Taylor boob jokes are
going to be UNMERCIFUL..."
     

Jim "I used to read Playboy for the articles, too" Acker
jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov