From: anon-1207@twwells.com (J. Steven)
Subject: First post; plea for advice/support
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 03:15:26 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

After reading this newsgroup for several weeks now, I have decided to post to 
the newsgroup.  Before I get into my stuff, I wanted to say that I have found 
many of the things said in this newsgroup to be very helpful.  However, I feel 
the need to jump in here and ask for some help.

                          ******SPOILER*******

My story is very similar to some of the stories I've read here.  I was 
sexually abused as a child.  In addition, I was raised by mentally abusive 
parents.  That's about all I can say about the abuse right now.

Throughout the many abusive situations I've encountered, I've managed to 
acheive a certain amount of "external" success.  Right now my external life 
could not be better.  I have a wonderful SO; my career and professional life 
are at an all time high; and I have eliminated many negative and self-abusive 
behaviors.  I have worked on all of these areas in order to achieve happiness.
The problem...  These external things are not working!  Without going into a 
lot of detail, I am very involved professionally (over committed!).  And 
what's happening, is that I am losing (and in some cases, lost) interest in my 
work.  In fact, for the last three weeks I have become paralyzed when it comes 
to my work.

I have been working on a report for the last three weeks, and to date I have 
one paragraph written.  The report was due two weeks ago, and I just can't 
seem to stir up enough interest to concentrate on the task.  And it's not just 
this report.  I don't want to do anything that I've been doing.  Nothing seems 
to work.  In the past, I have felt like this and I have usually shamed myself 
into working.  But now, I just don't care!  However, I'm scared that I am 
sabotaging my success.  I have so many great things going on professionally, 
and I'm so involved.  However, all of these things that I thought were 
important aren't right now.  I'm not returning phone calls.  I'm letting 
things fall apart.  I'm getting behind.  I'm paralyzed!!!!  I don't know how 
to get motivated.  I've worked so hard to get where I am, and it seems I have 
decided to give up and sabotage everything!!!  I'm stuck!

I just can't figure it out right now.  I'm so tired!  Last night I slept only 
two hours so that I could work on this report.  And now, thirteen hours later 
I still have nothing to show for it.  I guess I'll go home and feel bad 
because I'm such a failure!

I really don't know what to do.  My SO is so wonderful and supportive--always 
sees the best in me.  I can't see it though!  I feel guilty, undeserving, 
shameful, incompetent, frustrated and exhausted!

I guess I'll go home now, get a good night's sleep, and try again tomorrow.

I would appreciate any support or advice one might have.

Bye for now...



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