From: anon-1531@twwells.com (Stella Rico)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re:  Recurring nightmares
Date: 4 Jan 93 11:46:10 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

>I am unsure as to whether my nightmares are the result of fear; I have
>lived alone for almost eight years, and have not been touched for over
>nine. I feel safe from threat when I am at home. Or do you mean "fear"
>as a memory which has not been 'laid to rest'? I'm sorry, I am not
>good at understanding.
 
  Possibly.  All I can say is what is happening with me.  I never knew why I 
had them, either.  I have been 'safe' for a long time too.  But I have come to 
realize that there are some very deep and scary memories that are stirred up 
by things in my everyday life and those things trigger my nightmares.

  The deep things I am afraid of is that I have done something wrong and now I 
will be hurt because of it.  I will be punished and I will be abandoned.  It 
is hard to remember exactly what happened because I don't really want to know. 
But it seems to work just to realize why I am so afraid (I think someone will 
hurt me) and remember that I am really here and now and all the people who 
hurt me live at least 1000 miles away and can't get me anymore.
 
>       Well, if you are truly happy with what you do, then it doesn't
>     matter what everyone else does.
    
>You present me with a difficult problem; I do not think that happiness
>is possible, for what is it? Always, I try for contentment, but I
>cannot seem to find it in anything of what I do. So do I try to change
>myself, to do things I have never dreamt of doing, or do I stay with a
>safe existence which is so lonely?

  You _CAN_ be happy and you deserve to be happy.  Even people who think they 
are no good deserve to be happy.  Everyone alive deserves to be happy.  Maybe 
changing yourself to do other things will not make you happy.  Maybe there is 
still something inside you need to think about first.  On the other hand, 
maybe talking with a friend will help you feel safe and cared for, and that 
feels very good.  I can't know what is best for you, but I suggest that you 
try to find a friend who you feel safe with.  Don't talk about your past right 
away (it doesn't sound like you would anyway) because that can be too hard for 
a new friendship.

  I also suggest attending a few CoDA meetings.  Codependants Anonymous is an 
open fellowship for people who are not satisfied with thier relationships with 
themselves or others.  It doesn't cost anything, unless you want to give 
money.  You don't have to say anything but you can say whatever you want.  And 
you will be accepted no matter what you do or say.  That may be a good way for 
you to learn to be more comfortable around other people.  Look in the phone 
book and ask them for a meeting list.  They will have many different times and 
places and you may find a meeting you like.

>I have few interests which promote interaction, and mostly my life revolves 
>around work and university.
>What can I give people to make them interested in me? I have found
>only one person to whom I can talk, and it is not possible for me to
>see her more than on a very irregular basis. Yet I realise now that I
>am lonely, and need to talk.

  First, don't try to make people interested in you.  You are already 
interesting.  At least I think you are, or I wouldn't bother to talk to you 
like this.  I know other people think so, too.  Keep talking to people here.  
We care and we don't want you to feel lonely.

  And one last thing, Suzanna, don't feel bad for posting or any mistakes.  
You don't have to be perfect and this group is here for you to post.  Other 
people benefit from reading what you say.  Many people feel the same way you 
do but they are afraid to post.  You help them feel better because you speak 
for them.  So keep posting.

  Stella



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for an automatically returned help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery