From: neilh@microsoft.com (Neil Hoopman)
Subject: Confronting my mother (LONG)
Date: 12 Aug 92 07:37:33 GMT
Organization: Microsoft Corporation

I am posting this message for my wife:
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Spoiler Warning

Hello.

A few months ago my husband told me about your group 
and I began reading.  I haven't posted up until now
because I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough.  Tonight
I really don't care if it's safe enough.  I need 
support.

Unlike many of you that I have read about my perp
was prosecuted.  My father is my perp.  I have no
desire to keep any kind of secrets anymore-not that
I ever really did.  (Forgive me if this gets jumbled.)
All that I feel and clearly remember tells me that the
abuse began when I was 4 years old and ended when I 
told my best friend who made sure he was turned in
to the authorites when she and I were 11. After my
friend told her mom what I had told her about my
abuse her mom actually told the authorities.  
Shortly after that I was put in foster care.  My older
brother (who I found out two years ago was also
molested by my dad) stayed with my dad and mom.

I was in foster care for approx. 4 months.  During 
this time I was in counseling for a while.  The
two counselors kept telling me that everything I said
was something my mom had coached me to say.  This wasn't
true and I resented having to fight with them to be heard.
To make that part of the story short--my mother decided that
the only way she could regain custody of me was to divorce
my dad and move to Washington and remarry me after she
got me back.  That's what she did.  We left Minnesota without
me saying goodbye to any of my friends.

My dad stayed in WA with us for about a week after he got
here because he wasn't supposed to have left the state of 
Minnesota.  The month after we came to Washington, on my
brother's birthday, my dad went to jail for sexually
abusing me.  He served approximately 9 months in jail.  
After that he moved out to be with us.  The next year he
became a truck driver and so was gone anywhere from a week
to 3 months at a time.  

When he was home I avoided him.  Especially when he and I
were the only ones home-I would lock myself in my room.
I have no clear memories of any sexual abuse after
we moved to Washington although I remember very clearly
once in high school waking up to the sound of someone
trying to pick the lock on my bedroom door.  I was terrified.
I either fell back to sleep or have blocked if anything happened.
I didn't forget the fear I felt though and eventually I moved
in with a friend's family.  This instantly earned me
the status of black sheep in the family for the next 
year or so.

My relationship with my mom ran hot and cold after we
moved out to WA.  She made it clear to me that she
resented that I didn't trust her enough to tell her
the abuse was happening.  She yelled at me later for
not writing about the abuse in my diary so she would
have known.  She has repeatedly told me how uncomfortable
she feels with not knowing the details of the abuse.

Up until a month ago I was not telling her out of what I
felt was respect for her decision to stay with my dad.
A month ago I realized that it was none of her damn business
and I certainly would not put myself in the position of 
opening up to her about it to have her belittle the pain
the abuse has caused.  

Tonight she might as well as punched me in the stomach and
called me a liar.  She said "You were never degraded except
for your body and why is that such a big deal anyway?"

I couldn't believe she had just said that to me.  I screamed
a few choice words at her and slammed the phone down.

I have tried to tell her over and over how the abuse
has affected the rest of my life--my self-esteem, my
relationships with men, how I view the world...
I can't help but think over and over that she never
had my interests in mind.  I tried to tell myself for
so long that our family was trying to actually fix
the problem.  In reality, they wanted to keep it a 
secret-forever.  No one ever talked to my brother
when the abuse first came out and explained what
was going on.  They didn't ask him if he was being
abused too-nothing.

I've been trying to get my anger focused where
I feel it really belongs-at my mom and dad.  I have 
been having difficulty getting in touch with my anger
toward my dad.  The anger I feel toward my mom is 
much easier because much of what I am angry about is
stuff she did to me emotionally after we moved out here-
after she knew of the abuse and people were trying to help
her and she ignored them and was selfish imho.  

I screamed and screamed at her tonight as many
of the things I could think of that I was
angry with her for:  for not protecting me, for
telling me I was bad for locking myself in my
room, for asking for the details of the abuse, for 
deciding to divorce and remarry my dad before he
had even been punished, for telling me to keep the
abuse a secret even after he went to jail, for always
yelling at me not make her mistakes so she couldn't see
that I wasn't making her mistakes, for not supporting
my attempts to heal and for making me function as her
emotional support after the abuse.  It felt good to
scream at her-to not try to take care of her to tell
her I had thought about it and I was angry at her
and I felt she deserved that anger and it was
about time she had to face it and that I was through
taking care of her and listening to her talk about
her pain and never do anything for herself.  I told 
her this is my time to heal.

I have spent the last month struggling to decide
what kind of role my parents can play in my life
and me still be comfortable.  I've talked to my
therapist and group, husband and friends about this.
I guess my question is "Is it possible to heal without
your first family?"  I have put a lot of thought into what
Dance of Anger says about needing to change how you deal
with the relationships in your first family in order
to be successful in other relationships.  I just don't 
know if I can take anymore of my parents.  Unfortunately,
experience has shown me that when I separate myself from
my parents the rest of my family jumps on the bandwagon 
and of "what a bad daugher Sheila is".  In high school,
this went so far as my mom and grandmother calling my
friends and telling them what a terrible daughter I was and 
telling the family I was living with all sorts of lies
about my personal life.  When they would call and try
this with me I would hang up.  The family I was staying 
with thought this was rude(for me to hang up).  I still think
"Hello-my mother is the one who is being rude-I am standing
up for myself."

How much does one have to take from their family?
If I walk away from them will it be realistically possible
for me to move on and be happy?  That is, have any of you
honestly been able to do that?

My husband has been a great support to me-especially tonight.
I could use some survivor support too though : )

If any of you have stuck with this I want to repeat that my 
husband is posting this for me.  My name is Sheila and you can send
stuff to me at his "address".  I do accept hugs.  And I need
a few.  It's been a while since I've felt this small.



Sheila