From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  3.B
Date: 9 Sep 92 04:32:34 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com




----------------------------------------------------

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.

        "What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked 
Shevardnadze.
        Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
        "Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
        "Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.

----------------------------------------------------

In Cambridge food markets beware of the line
Reserved for those buying ten items or less
Because MIT students cannot read the sign
And Harvard ones' counting amounts to a guess.

(Anyway, the sign should say "ten items or fewer.")

---------------------

I see (said the job applicant) that your advertisement calls for a Harvard
man "or equivalent."  Are you more interested in two Yale men, or a Princeton
man working half-time?

(Don't write me; I already know: this joke is obsolete.  Linda Blair, God
help us all, is a Princeton man.  Or am I thinking of Jody Foster?)

----------------------------------------------------

From Curt Gerling in the Webster Herald:

The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery.  Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.

----------------------------------------------------

I saw this one the other day, and thought it was cute.


  I LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE
                     MEN !!

----------------------------------------------------

sign I have seen in local department stores:

	1.  Ears pierced
            While you wait
	(I hope so)

----------------------------------------------------

My favorite confused person was the woman who asked my father for
two forms of ID when he had given her a 20. He hadned her his drivers liscense

----------------------------------------------------
(To appreciate this joke fully it should be realized that the net spent two
months with various versions of the three strings and punchline of "I'm afraid knot.")

  A Net.addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. He was so addicted
to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone
in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in soc.women and soc.men that
he failed to notice that he was low on gas.
  Suddenly, in the country (ie out of the city), he ran out of gas. He pondered
his dilemma briefly before he started walking, looking for a gas station.
  At one juncture, he decided to cross a farmer's field. Halfway across
the field, he encountered a gigantic pig. He was a little worried because
of the size of the pig, but he tried to carry on non-chalantly. Just as
he began to pass the pig, to his amazement , the pig began to speak:
  "Aren't you going to pay the toll for crossing this field?" the pig asked
the Net.addict.
  "No," responded the Net.addict. "I'm a frayed knot. Are you going to attack
me for not paying the toll?"
  "Well, yes," replied the pig. "I'm a feared sow."
 
----------------------------------------------------

                            FEAR OF FAILING
          (Outlandish comments from professors on student papers)
 
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
                                   --English Professor, Ohio University
 
"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
                                                            --Anonymous
 
"What's page one, a preemptive strike?"
          --Professor David Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
 
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is
from the wrong kind of tree."
                                                              --"Mr. W"
 
"The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever
do this to my eyes again."
             --Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
 
"I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my
mental instability."
                           --Psychology Professor, Farifield University

----------------------------------------------------

This is jest kleen stough, suffer and smyle.  Jest readed this in August
izue uf  Reader's Digest.

		MAKES SENSE TO ME

Beguiling ideas about science quoted here were taken from 5th & 6th graders'
essays, exams and classroom discusions:

	You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit.  If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

	When planets ago around and around in circles we say they are orbiting.
 When people do it we say they are crazy.

	A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way to go.

	Genetics explain why you look  like your father and if you don't why you should.

	Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're here.

	We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets
blamed for many things people forget to put the top on.

	I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But clouds know how to do it and that
is the important thing.

	Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

	Question:  In what ways are we dependent upon the sun?
	 Answer:  We can always depend on the sun for sunburns and tidal waves."
	 

Frankly, Ah thnk the skool sistum is beter than when Ah went ta skul.  Subjeks
shur sownd more beter!
----------------------------------------------------

There was a jewelry store in the mall where I worked several years
ago.  One day a man walked in to the store and began looking at some
expensive watches.

He picked out a watch worth about $900 and asked to see it.  The clerk
handed it to him.  The man said he would like to apply for credit to
buy it.

So, after filling out the credit forms, along with checking whatever proper 
I.D. is needed for such credit, the clerk took the form into the back room
to process the application.

About this time, the man decided that he would like to have the watch for
free, and ran out of the store with it.

The police picked him up shortly thereafter at his home, which he had 
conveniently listed on his application form.

----------------------------------------------------

   A couple of years ago I was working a part-time summer job at a glass
   shop.  We fixed windows and sold glass cut to specifications.  

   One day, a lady entered the store (basic common American housewife type)
   she told me she wanted a piece of single-strength glass 12" by 24". I
   remember her drawing, with her index fingers, an imaginary prototype...   

     12"
   +----+          
   !    !
   !    ! 24"   <--------- 
   !    !
   !    !
   +----+ 

   I went back into the shop and cut her the piece she wanted (12"x24").    
   I returned to the counter, and set the glass on the counter on its
   side... because in that position it was less likely to tip and shatter.

         24"
   +--------------+
   !              !  12"     <---------
   +--------------+
     
  
   "How's that?", I queried.
   The lady became quite flustered...  "Didn't you HEAR me?", she said.
   "I wanted it cut 12 by 24, NOT 24 by 12!"
  
   I rotated the glass 90 degrees for her... again set it down... and
   again questioned "How's that?"

   Needless to say she was rather embarrassed and she paid and left promptly.

----------------------------------------------------

			Doo-Da and the Tree...

	     Doo-Da was the type of fellow who was a logger in the 
	great northwest who liked to take chances with his life.
	He would cut a tree, holler TIMBER!, stand in the path
	of the falling tree and jump out of the way at the last possible
	second. His logging partners kept telling him that one of these
	days, one of those old douglas firs was going to get him. He would
	laugh it off, and kept it up.
	    Well, you guessed it, he got tangled up in his own feet, and
	was squashed flatter than a flitter! All of his logging buddies
	were setting around the camp mourning ol' Doo-Da when one mentioned
	that someone was going to have to go to town an let Doo-Da's wife
	know that he had been killed. No one wanted to deliver the bad news.
	Finally, they talked one feller, kinda dense and slow, into delivering
	the bad news. The feller went to town, knocked on Doo-Da's door,
	and Doo-Da's wife opened the door. The fellow just stood there with
	a long face, and was acting very nervous. Doo-Da's wife ask him
	"Whats wrong, had something happened?" The guy kinda shuffled around,
	then his face brightened, and he broke out into a song and dance:

	(sung to the tune ala camp town races...I think...)

			      woods
	Guess who      in the       to-     Doo-    Doo-      
		  died                 day,     Da,     Da...

----------------------------------------------------

The Department of Motor Vehicles of <xrandom state> is always good
for a laugh (in retrospect)...

In New York some number of years ago, I made an appointment to take my
motorcycle road test. I lived 2 blocks from the DMV in a small town,
north of NYC. The appointment was such that I could show up at any
time on a particular day, stand on line, and take the test.

On the day of the exam I walked my bike over to the site of the course
and waited. The instructor at the front of the line asked me, "Where
is the licensed driver that will take your bike home?". I explained
that I lived within walking distance. The instructor told me that it
was DMV policy that a licensed motorcyclist must accompany ALL
applicants to drive the bike home. Some fruitless argument resulted in
my leaving the line in a pretty bad mood.

As I was leaving I noticed that another would-be biker was waiting on
line for his test, accompanied by someone. I explained my situation
and they agreed to wait around for my exam as well. So I got back onto
the line behind them. Finally, I reached the head of the line again
(the person ahead of me was apparently pleased with the results his
test) only to meet the same instructor.

I: "You'll have to come back another time to take your test."

Me: "Why? I'm with a licensed driver. I did exactly what you told
me to do."

I: "But you're not allowed to talk to other people on line."


(Every time I tell this story, it seems more ridiculous. I did get to
take my test when this guy got off duty for the day.)

----------------------------------------------------

VANITY PLATE SUMMARY                                                 6/19/88

10SNE1		;tennis, anyone?
14U2C           ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1          ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH           ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED          ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U         ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN          ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U          ;RX-7
3NON            ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT          ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE           ;fer shure
55N-UP          ;55mph and up
6 KIDS          ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO           ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8         ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB         ;on a Saab
ALICE		;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB          ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS        ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA         ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
BCNU2           ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN          ;Beaching!
BESIDES         ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND          ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon 
BIG BUX         ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE          ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR          ;Bee keeper
BY YALL         ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY         ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF         ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE          ;on a BMW!
CME4DK          ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
CRAY Z          ;Crazy
CULATR          ;See you Later,
DAD IOU         ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE         ;Don't smoke
DUTY            ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
DUTY            ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
DV-DT           ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD          ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI         ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU         ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ         ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD           ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
FUNHOG          ;seen in Montana
GO4IT           ;Go for it!
GONSNO          ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE         ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL         ;Great Specials
GSNDHT          ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG		;hi ho silver!
HITECH          ;High Technology
I SK8		;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC         ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY            ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8           ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U         ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD          ;I Be too bad
IBCNU           ;I'll be seeing ya!
ICU812          ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10           ;I'm a 10!
IMATEN          ;I'm a 10!
IMB4U           ;I'm before you! 
IMEZRU          ;I'm a zuru
INYORI          ;In Your Eye...
IOAA            ;(I owe AA)
IONO1           ;I owe no one
IX XIV          ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV          ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM           ;on a small car
LEMON           ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD         ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC           ;on a Corvette
MINE            ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR          ;at least now we know who owns that car...
MY DEBT         ;on a New York car
MYREVNG	        ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI         ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH         ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY          ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS          ;no brakes!
NONE            ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE         ;Funny when on paper  
NOT FAT         ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT         ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS          ;on a red porsche 911  (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2          ;And toto too
OBJET           ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD          ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE          ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
OMEGA1          ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH           ;on a Porsche
POORSCH         ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN            ;Racing
RARE            ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS           ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL          ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL         ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8         ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ            ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT         ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2          ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS          ;Are you envious?
STOP            ;Get the message?
STORK1          ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
SWTPEA          ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD        ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN         ;on a Toyota
TOFLY           ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY          ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE          ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX         ;on a Woman's 280ZX
UNIXINU         ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME          ;You envy me
UR2LOW          ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12         ;You want one too?
VAN GO		;for a vanpool
VANITY          ;plain and simple 
W8LFTR          ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS         ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ         ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH          ;on a porsche
WHORU           ;Who are you?
XXXXXX          ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY           ;Seen on an Ohio car, the magic word
YOT YM          ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA          ;Zippity doo dah....

----------------------------------------------------

		 Intoxication and Other Near-Death Experiences
				 by Dave Barry

Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place
in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New Year's Eve,
     1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then
     crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
     fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would
     have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly
     painful headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was
     brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was
     definitely dead.  I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it
     isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try
     to eat any solid foods.

Q -- Why were we put here on Earth?
A -- I would say, just from going through the mail, that we were put here on
     Earth to enter the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.

Q -- Is there life elsewhere in the universe?

A -- Unquestionably.  It is a known scientific fact that life gets steadily
     more intelligent the farther you go in any direction from Waco, Texas.
     This is why the Orient, which is on the opposite side of the Earth from
     Waco, has historically been the source of philosophy and reliable
     electronic products.  It is only logical to conclude that beings in other
     galaxies, some of which are millions of light-years from Waco, would be
     *very* bright.

Q -- What is the gender gap?

A -- Let me first give some background for the benefit of you less-sensitive
     males who have been unable to concern yourselves with women's issues
     because you have been too busy standing on the street corner and making
     little kissing noises.  A while back, President Reagan and his aides were
     flying out to the Western White House to chop wood when they looked out
     the window and noticed this enormous gender gap covering most of Ohio.
     They realized immediately that this gap could prevent the President from
     being re-elected and implementing his policies, assuming he develops some
     policies.  So they appointed Sandra Day O'Connor, an admitted woman, to
     the Supreme Court.

     Then, to improve his image with women even further, he enlisted the help
     of a woman whose objectivity cannot be questioned: his daughter, Maureen.
     Here is what Larry Speakes said in announcing Maureen's new role: "As the
     President's daughter, she has strong credibility".  I am not making this
     up.

Q -- What do you do if you're talking with somebody at a party for a half hour,
     and he remembers your name but you can't remember his name, and another
     person walks up, and you have to introduce them?

A -- First of all, remember that these are the 1980's.  People understand that
     this kind of thing happens all the time, and it's no big deal.  The key
     is to be as open and low-key as possible.  Simply turn to the person
     whose name you don't remember and in a natural way fall on the floor and
     feign a seizure, contriving somehow to hurl your drink into the person's
     face on your way down.  While the other guests are trying to stick things
     down your throat to prevent you from swallowing your tongue, somebody
     will see the person wiping your drink from his eyes, and say, "Are you
     okay, John?" and you'll know the person's name is John something.

Q -- What lies ahead for mankind?
A -- Despite all the prophecies of gloom and doom, I'm optimistic.  I am
     particularly heartened by the willingness of a growing number of everyday
     people on both sides of the Iron Curtain to question the conventional
     "wisdom" of their military and political leaders and demand an end to the
     insane policies that for 30 years have kept both sides on the brink of an
     unthinkable nuclear confrontation.  I believe that within our lifetimes,
     this popular groundswell will bring us -- slowly but inevitably --
     towards the first meaningful reduction in nuclear arms.  Then the Earth
     will be struck by an enormous comet.

From: guyh@hpubvwa.nsr.hp.com (Guy Hyde)
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 19:47:36 GMT
Subject: Re: More tasteless acronyms (or The Tale of the Unfinished List)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Bellevue Sales