From: gompertz@sdd.hp.com (Ron Gompertz)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: **PREDICTIONS FOR 1993**
Date: 16 Dec 1992 00:44:11 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: hpsdl90.sdd.hp.com
Keywords: I'm a clairvoyant genius



     
                 My Predictions for 1993



     Bill Clinton will use his consensus building skills in an dazzling
   series of multi-media teach-ins on the problems confronting the
   nation.  His approval ratings will be the highest of any president
   ever and he will be granted extraordinary powers.  Congress will be
   dismissed and the U.S.  will have willingly annointed its first
   dictator.  This will culminate in mass rallies around the country
   where the president's image will be shown on giant Mitsubishi stadium
   screens.  He will stoke the crowd's adoration by calling out, "Call
   me Bill," in his gritty voice to which the crowd will respond, "
   Bill, Bill, Bill," in Nuremburg rally like unison.

     Mattel will market a Hillary doll.  Accesories will include office
   furniture and a briefcase.

     The Republic of Monte Negro will change its name to Monte Blanco.
   No explanation will be given.

     The Beef Advisory Board will protest the disproportionate number of
   former vegatarians in the Clinton Administration.

     A consortium of former intelligence officials, lead by two recent
   republican presidents, will start a chain of theme parks called "Evil
   Empire."  A scandal will ensue when it is discovered that William
   Casey, the former CIA chief who died before being summoned to testify
   in the Iran-Contra Affair, has actually been acquiring large statues
   of Stalin and other political memorabilia from former communist
   countries for use in the Disney like  parks.

     Classic rocker Boz Scaggs will return from self imposed exile in
   Japan when invited to become the ruler of a newly independent Balkan
   Republic. He will change his name to Bosnia Scaggs.

     Bill Clinton will nationalize Apple Computer and place it under the
   auspices of Assistant Secretary of Education, John Sculley.  In a
   similar move, McDonalds will also be nationalized and administered by
   the Education Department.  The two acquisitions will be part of the
   "MacSchools" program, Clinton's radical attempt to revitalize the
   nation's school systems.  A new generation of consumers will emerge
   that refuses to eat or program anything that does not contain the
   prefix "Mac."

     Princess Di will roommate with Madonna. First they'll take Manhattan,
   then they'll take Berlin.

     The states of Washington and Oregon will be sold in order to pay
   off the national debt.  Current residents will have the option of
   being relocated to Nevada if they wish to retain their American
   citizenship.  The new owners will cut down all remaining trees in the
   Pacific Northwest for use as disposable concrete forms in their home
   market.  The price of paper will skyrocket and Internet will replace
   print media.

        Investment tip:  Short sell stock of companies who derive more
      than one quarter of their revenues from the sale of printers.
      Purchase shares of companies who derive at least fifteen percent
      of their revenues from the sale of Unix workstations.


     Madonna will have many breakfasts at the White House.  Parallels
   with the Kennedy era will not be lost on Hillary who will assume the
   singer's lease and move in with Princess Di.  The two fallen first
   ladies will start a clothing company called "Bad Girls Club" which
   will market trashy night club wear.  


     The European Common Market will finally achieve monetary union with
   the release of their first coin, the "Frankmark."  The coin, bearing
   the likenesses of Anne Frank and Karl Marx, will cost more to produce
   than it will be worth.  Taiwanese commodity traders will be the first
   to realize this and will buy up all the coins to be used as the backs
   of wrist watches.

     The Egyptian stock market will be hot for the first six months of
   the new year and then it will crash to subterreanean levels when 
   investors finally uncover a few key  accounting discrepencies.

     Somali irregulars will defeat the U.S. Armed Forces in the horn of
   Africa. The U.S. will be forced to pay reparations and rebuild the 
   country. 

     Broke and disillusioned, the Pentagon will be privatized. All future
   U.S. wars and interventions will require corporate sponsors. Coca Cola
   will fund a major assualt on Paraguay in an attempt to liberate that
   country from Fanta.  Budweiser will have exclusive rights to all future
   activities in the Persian Gulf.

     The United Nations will change it's name to "The United Nations of
   Benneton."

     Due to their large cash hoard and supply of cheap labor, the new
   leaders of Mainland China will be courted by democracies around the
   world.  To avoid making the Chinese leaders uncomfortable during
   their visits abroad, many western democracies will suppress freedom
   of speech and turn prisons into forced labor camps.

     Vice President Al Gore will be defrocked when a personal ad with
   his phone number shows up in low life publications around the
   country.  The ad will state:  "Aspiring cult leader seeks tatooed
   biker chicks for dysfunctional love."  His wife, Tipper, will leave
   him and tearfully confess to a stunned nation that she was named
   after her grandfather's favorite bloodhound.  Al will resign his post
   and take a job as the manager of the thrash-grunge rock group,
   Nirvana.


   _____________________________________________

   (c) 1992 Ron Gompertz
   All rights reserved
   Views expressed are my own.

   ___________________________________________
 


Newsgroups: alt.angst