From: sykopath@leland.Stanford.EDU (Mickey)
Subject: Re: ANGER!!!!!!!
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 02:16:22 GMT

In article <1992Nov17.181707.22193@athena.cs.uga.edu> heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) writes:
>
>	Forgive me guys & gals, but I gotta vent for a second or two.

*hug*.  Better here than just about anywhere else...:)

>I'm 4 months sober 

Congratulations!

>helping to calm it fires. Now I'm dealing with it sober, and I'm not
>sure I'm dealing with it well. I know I can't afford to get angry, or

If you're dealing with it sober, you're dealing with it well.
Heck, you're dealing with it!  That's a lot more than most people do.
Hang in there, and I know you can work it out.

>else, but no one has been able to give me any magic words or any
>sure-fire methods of doing this (I know, I know. "Don't drink and go

I don't have any sure-fire cures, but there's just a chance that I
could help you get a handle on some of the reasons why you might be
getting angry...which can be a help in itself.

The situations where I get the most angry are not when I'm in danger,
or afraid...nor when someone's hurt me...but when I feel like an 
injustice has been done, and I'm helpless to correct it.  From the 
way you wrote about this situation, it sounded like you might be in
a similar one, and I thought that my thoughts might help...?

The thing that makes me the angriest in such a situation is when, in spite
of all evidence to the contrary, I still deep down inside have a nagging
suspicion that I'm at fault.  I don't know your personal Insecurity
Quotient, but if it's relatively high like mine, you might want to look
into this as a possible contributing factor.

Anyway, when I'm angered because of such a thing, the greatest help for me
is for someone, anyone, to come along and point out that I *was* treated
unjustly, that I *do* have a legitimate grievance, that I'm *not* at
fault...then I can let go of the injustice and get on with my life.

>I've made, but yesterday my REAL boss - the one who has the final say
>- told me that I have been improving.) So today, while I'm doing my

Evidence one.  The real boss, whose job it is to know, and to evaluate
you without bias, spoke favorably to you of the quality of your work.

>job (stamping books) she comes up to me and says "There's no need to
>be so loud, Terrance. I know what you're doing." And walked off.

Evidence two.  "I know what you're doing." in a context like that is 
intrinsically and gratuitously insulting when directed at anyone over 
the age of about 10.

>and she waved me off again.  Finally, before I left, I cornered her
>in her office and asked  "Was I doing something wrong out there?",
>looking her straight in the eye.  She finally said "No, you weren't
>doing anything wrong. Forget about it."  And I left.

Evidence three.  When finally confronted with a direct and straightforward
question (and btw, Terrance, congratulations.  *hug*.  you handled it just
right), she admitted that you'd done nothing wrong.

>	BUT I'M SO ANGRY I COULD CHEERFULLY CHOKE THE LIVING SHIT OUT
>OF THIS WOMAN!!!!!! AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT (I just got
>off of work, and I'm still shaking with anger).

Y'know what?  You've got a perfect right to be angry!  You've been
shabbily treated by someone who should know better, and who didn't
even have the decency to apologize when confronted with it.
You weren't at fault for the unpleasantness that occurred, you did nothing
wrong, and you got treated badly for it.  You have a perfect right
to be angry.

There is one other thing to consider, however.
"Here lies the body of Dan McGrey
Who died while taking his right-of-way.
He was right, dead right, as he sped along;
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."

While acknowledging your right to a justifiable anger may prove to be
liberating and healthy, allowing it to stay in charge and consume your
life would be quite possibly the worst decision you could make.  
I've simply found that admitting my right to be angry makes it 
paradoxically easier to not dwell on or even experience that anger.  

Let me know if this helps at all, please?  It may be just my mind that works
this way...but if not, it might be a good thing to keep in mind...

>	But is there anyone out there who has some suggestions about
>how to deal with situations like that, and how to deal with anger? I
>need some advice.

I encountered a similar one when I read the three postings by CFK...
...to see someone like that able to walk in and mess up this (IMHO
wonderful) newsgroup just because he felt like that made me incredibly
angry.  If nothing else, it seemed so unfair to the people whose problems 
he was so callously mocking.  And I remained upset, fuming mad, until I
read the reply posts by other people on the net, and realized that
yes, he had in fact been exactly as offensive as I'd thought, that 
my reaction was completely normal and ordinary, and that I was perfectly
free to hate him, or flame him, or even forget him; whatever was 
best for me.  Quite frankly, my strongest emotion towards him at this 
point is pity, for whatever happened to him to make him so hateful
and hurting.  
The best way I've found to deal with anger is to accept it as a natural
and even appropriate emotional reaction...
...but then to remember that it is *only* an emotional reaction, and
that the actions I take, based on it or not, are *my* responsibility.
Not the feelings; those are justified and appropriate, and the only
reason to not feel them is that they really aren't very pleasant, and
tend to give me ulcers.  And somehow, in the simple act of realizing this,
I become able to let go of at least a good portion of the anger.

I hope that somewhere in the above you find something of help to you...

*hugs*,

Mickey "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.
					 Psalm 56:3." Phoenix.