HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rschaaf@isis.cs.du.edu (Russ M Schaaf)
Subject: A Mail Prank.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 22:03:35 GMT

A freind of mine said that she wanted some mail from me, sooo...

Could you all mail her little things (as many as possible)

her login is valerian@imsa.edu

Thanx.


--Spoken by he without a .sig--
--rschaaf@imsa.edu--
Xref: sparky rec.humor:15956 alt.fan.monty-python:2603
From: phil%miracle@merk.com (Phil Hill)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Date: Tue, 07 Apr 92 19:55:04 EST
Organization: Miracle Computer Consultants

maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story) writes:
>In article <1992Apr6.010309.10819@nic.unh.edu> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
>>>>>I've told you once...
>>>> No, you haven't.
>>>Yes I have.
>>No, I haven't.
>This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
No! It's not!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Phil Hill                     | "All you people in TV land,           |
| Miracle Computer Consultants  |   I will wake up your empty shells.   |
| Email: phil%miracle@merk.com  |  Peak time viewing blown in a flash,  |
|  -or-  phil.hill@channel1.com |   as I burn into your memory cells.   |
| FAX:   (508)875-3297          |  'cause I'm alive." - Peter Gabriel   |
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Incest
From: clark@crfm.gen.nz (Clark Mills)
Date: 14 Apr 92 11:08:49 GMT
Organization: Household UNIX, Auckland, New Zealand

Incest: The game the whole family can play!
-- 
Domain: clark@crfm.gen.nz  -----------------------------+-------------------+
Voice : 64-25-935002                                    | $ work &          |
Fax   : 64-9-8494282                                    | $ exec games      |
Snail : PO Box 47-195, Ponsonby, Auckland, New Zealand  +-------------------+
From: terry@hls.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ACHTUNG! Blinkenlights
Date: 8 Apr 92 05:49:19 GMT

I remember someone asking for this a while back.  Don't know that the request
was ever satisfied.  Its one of those "signs" that belongs on anything with
blinking lights.

			* * *  A C H T U N G ! !  * * *

		Das Machine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken und
		mittengraben.  Ist easy schnappen der Springenwerk,
		blowenfusen und Poppencorken mit Spitzensparken.

		Ist nich fur gewerken by das Dummkopfen.  Das
		rubbernecken Sightseeren keepen Hands in das
		Pockets.  Relaxen und watch das Blinkenlights.

Terry
From: benitzt@ohsu3b2.ohsu.edu (Tony Benitz)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: JOKE
Date: 10 Apr 92 19:57:49 GMT
Article-I.D.: ohsu.1992Apr10.195749.24150
Distribution: usa
Organization: Oregon Health Sciences University
Originator: benitzt@ohsu3b2.ohsu.EDU


OK this is the first time I've have posted so please don't flame me
if your are offended at this tasteless joke 


A girl walks in to ask her Dad if she can have some money to buy a 
dress for the prom.
" Daddy can I have some money to buy a dress for the prom ?"
And the Dad says
" Well sure honey any thing for my daughter BUT first you will have
	to screw me"
To this the girl says
" Daaaaad, you just kidding me.... Right"
D: " No I am not "
So the girl walks out of the room.
A week or so later she comes back to ask her dad for the money
she really wants to go soooo.....
Girl: " Daddy you were just kidding before weren't you "
Daddy: " No little darling I wasn't but I you still want to go I'll
	make you a deal.. You only have to suck my cock and I'll give you the
	money"
Girl: (she really really wants to go to the prom) "Ok"
So she starts sucking her Dads member
Girl: Dad you dick tastes like shit
Dad: "Well your brother wanted to go too"
Newsgroups: rec.humor

I had a brainstorm for a satire this weekend:  "PC World", the politically
correct theme park ... just imagine ... but I gave up after some thought.
First, the PC people are just too easy and cheap a target and second, they've 
been pounded into the ground by all the other wiseguys out there.

OK, how 'bout a conservative theme park?  Then I remembered:  didn't Jim and
Tammy Bakker run a right-wing Christian (is that an oxymoron or a redundancy?)
theme park until it went broke?  HOW COULD I TOP THAT?!

I am discouraged.  As they said in FULL METAL JACKET, more or less:  "There
ain't anybody worth killing any more."

   Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest
--
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                               DISCLAIMER                                   |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|   Who cares what I think?  I don't take MYSELF seriously, why should you?  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Greg Goebel                             NET:     gvg@hpislx                |
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| MSO Marketing                           PHONE:   Telnet/303 679-3424       |
| POB 301 / MS-CU312 / Loveland CO 80539  FAX:     Telnet/303 679-5957       |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: 00jdbecktel@bsu-ucs.uucp
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: MORE HELEN KELLER JOKES
Date: 13 Apr 92 19:08:15 GMT

In article <167C2EBE1.RDAY@cmsa.gmr.com>, RDAY@cmsa.gmr.com writes:
> 
> Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
> Her dog was blind too.
> 
> How did Helen Keller lose her hand?
> She tried to read a stop sign at 60 mph.
> 
> How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
> They left the plunger in the toliet.

What was Helen Keller doing at the bottom of a well?
Screaming her hands off
							-Mr B.
From: rubel0455@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Steven Wright Jokes...add on!!
Date: 13 Apr 92 10:09:28 -0500
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

Steven Wright jokes...add your favorites:)

 
 "i have a circular driveway...i can't get out..."
 "i went to a general store...couldn't get anything specific."

 
 I went to a restaurant that had a sign that said "Breakfast Any Time."
  I ordered pancakes in the Rennaisance.

I have a box of instant water at home...problem is I dont know what to add..

When shooting a mime should you use a silencer?

The other day I went to unlock the door to my house and I accidentally used my
car key and started up my house...so I drove it around for awhile

I parked it in the middle of the highway and yelled at everyone to get out of
my driveway...

A cop pulled me over and asked where I lived...I said right here...

XENO

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: me@dispates.u.washington.edu (My Account)
Subject: Re: licence plates
Keywords: stolen cars
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 13:50:23 GMT

U4EA

-Cohort
From: johnson@spectra.com (boyd johnson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A found riddle!
Date: 6 Apr 92 18:05:42 GMT
Article-I.D.: spectra.1992Apr6.180542.29524
Organization: Spectragraphics Corporation

In article <1992Apr3.044555.16214@ultra.com> jeffj@ultra.com (Jeff Johnson) writes:
>In article <1992Apr2.130628.148@sugaree.uu.net> james@sugaree.uu.net (James O. Payne, Jr.) writes:
>=>In article <1992Apr2.135220.12884@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu>, rdc8@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Robert D Castro) writes:
>=>> 
>=>> What's the first number in the English language that uses the letter
>=>> "A"?
>=>A hundred?
>It depends on the nationality of the person doing the counting.
>For example, an Italian counts: one, two, three, Another, another, another...
>So, it's the number after three.
>-- 
>    Jeff Johnson    | Ultra Network Technologies | voice: (408) 922-0100 x284

The first number starting with 'A' used to be spoken by Lawrence Welk 
on every one of his shows.
   "a-one and a-two and a"

-- 
========== Boyd Johnson	   nosc!spectra.com!johnson ==========
From: hallpwcd@ucunix.san.uc.edu (Phillip W. Hall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: bar joke
Date: 13 Apr 92 22:40:59 GMT
Article-I.D.: ucunix.1992Apr13.224059.13594
Organization: University of Cincinnati



Joe is getting quietly stewed by himself in a bar.  After a while he
notices something strange.  Guys keep walking up to this one guy,
talking to them for a bit, going to a cute girl, and then wlaking out
with the girl.  

Joe says to himself [in a drunken voice], 'Man, this guy must be giving 
out some great advice...think I'll see what it is.'  So joe approaches
the guy and says, "What have you been telling these guys, they're all
picking up great looking women?"

The guy says, "Oh, its real simple, all you do is go up to a girl and
say 'tickle your ass with a feather?'  Of course they turn red and get 
a little angry at you.  Then you say, 'Oh, you must have misunderstood 
me, I said, 'Particularly nasty weather.'"  It works all the time.

Joe says [again, in a drunk voice], "Oh wow, that's great. Thanks!"  So 
Joe sees a nice looking woman and approaches her.

"Shove a feather up your ass?" Joe says, and when she turns to slap him
he says: "Oh you musta misunderstood me, looks like fuckin rain."

---
Phil.
From: jameskau@nunki.usc.edu (James Kaufman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Sam Kinison is DEAD???????????
Date: 11 Apr 1992 18:23:18 -0700
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Distribution: usa
NNTP-Posting-Host: nunki.usc.edu

In article <1992Apr11.191606.10721@cheshire.oxy.edu> cleo@cheshire.oxy.edu (Cleopatra) writes:
>
>
>When the heck did Sam Kinison die? I had no clue.
>                                    -Cleopatra
>-- 
>"To be or not to be..."               "Life's like a dick...when it gets hard...          -Hamlet                         Fuck It!!"
>"Today is a good day to die"                             -me
>         -Kiefer Sutherland (Flatliners)
Yeah.  Kinison was killed last night in a car crash.  I heard he was driving
from his honeymoon to a gig, or something like that.  His wife is in
critical condition.  Irony of the week (year, decade): it wasn't his fault.
Two drunk teens in a pickup smashed into him.  (They're fine, naturally).
Sucks, huh?

James Kaufman
jameskau@aludra.usc.edu
From: mscs057@vax1.mankato.msus.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Smells Like Nirvana
Date: 14 Apr 92 03:19:46 GMT
Article-I.D.: vax1.1992Apr13.211947.1716
Organization: Mankato State University

Hey, I just saw the stupidest video on Mtv.
It was "Weird Al" and it was "Smells Like Nirvana".

It is a must never see.

Steve
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jdale@nsfuvax (Technical Manuscript Specialist)
Subject: Re: 1-800 Number in USA for Polish Jokes
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Mathematics Computer Network, University of Oklahoma
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 23:05:00 GMT

In article <1992Apr9.054104.1355@isr.recruit.co.jp>, shaun@isr.recruit.co.jp writes...
>Did you hear about the 1-800 number for Polish jokes?  Just dial:
> 
>	1-800-POL-ACKQ
> 
>If you like it, please tell your friends!
> 
>Shaun

If you don't get an answer there, just call the aggie hotline

        1-800-Aggie-IQ

j.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dragon@camelot.bradley.edu (Matthew Korth)
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Organization: Bradley University
Date:  8 Apr 92 05:15:12 GMT

In <1992Apr07.235337.44190@yuma.acns.colostate.edu> maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story) writes:
>In article <32146@darkstar.ucsc.edu> gross@cats.ucsc.edu (Mike Gross) writes:
>>>In article <1992Apr6.010309.10819@nic.unh.edu> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
>>>>>>>I've told you once...
>>>>>> No, you haven't.
>>>>>Yes I have.
>>>>No, I haven't.
>>>This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
>>No, it isn't.    
>You just contradicted me!
<pause>
No I didn't!
--
*** Matt Korth *** dragon@camelot.bradley.edu *** dragon@buhub.bradley.edu ***

Municipal Sewer Department, we've had enough shit out of you...
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 92 3:20:7 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Karnak the Magnificent strikes again
From: carlinra@acs00.cc.vanderbilt.edu (Robert Carlin)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Heard on the Morning Joke-off for WGFX-FM, 104.5, the Fox, in Nashville:

"I have a Karnak for you:

The answer is Jack Nicholson, Bill Clinton, and Jerry Brown.

The question is: Name a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker."

--
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Message-id: <S3c3.45c5@looking.on.ca>
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: elparr@acs.ucalgary.ca (Ellen Louise Parr)
Subject: 25 ways to cope with stree
Keywords: chuckle, heard it

I thought you might appreciate this...


                   25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

1.  Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See how
    many you can do at a time.

2.  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3.  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4.  When someone says "have a nice day", tell tehm you have other plans.

5.  Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6.  Dance naked in front of your pets.

7.  Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
    if nothing is wrong.

8.  Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9.  Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high 
    places.

10.  Leaf through "National Geographic"  and draw underwear on the natives.

11.  Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12.  Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.

13.  Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly"  and send it to your boss's wife.

14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15.  Drive to work in reverse.

16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17.  Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule"  and let him figure it out.

18.  Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

19. Polish your car with earwax.

20.  REad the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25.  Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

Bonus :  Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
         in the wrapper.

Author unknown.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: TX_WAYNE@rrivax.rri.uwo.ca (Wayne Johnson)
Subject: Pickup lines that just DON'T work.   (Offensive)
Keywords: smirk, sexual, gross

(I tried mailing this about a month ago, but never got an auto-response from
your daemen, so here it goes again....)

SOURCE: original

WARNING: some people might find this a bit (a lot) offensive.

  Twelve opening lines never to use when trying to pick up women in a bar:

1.   Hello there, beautiful.  I hope that's not a sanitary
     napkin poking out of your purse.
2.   Excuse me, are you on the pill?
3.   Hi there.  Do you swallow?
4.   Jeez, these hemmhoroids are killing me.  What do you say
     me and you go for a little stroll?
5.   Wow!  Are those real?
6.   Phew! Are you in the "mood", or did you forget to shower 
     this morning?
7.   Ever had sex at the zoo?  Really?  How about with a human
     being?
8.   Ho-o-o-r-r-k!  Jeez, I've had this hair in my throat for
     over a week now.
9 .  Thanks, no beer nuts for me, those sores in my mouth are
     back again.
10.  What do you say we go back to my place and see which one
     of us has more zits on our butts!
11.  I'm just getting over a rough divorce.  Ya, I found out that she'd
     been sleeping with this bisexual Haitian drug addict for the last
     three years...really broke my heart.
12.  Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

--
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attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
Message-id: <S3c7.2057@looking.on.ca>
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 3:20:7 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Rodney King
From: mcia@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Mike Ciaraldi)
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

New testimony has revealed why 3 Los Angeles police officers
beat motorist Rodney King, while 20 more stood around and watched:

Union rules!



--
Mike Ciaraldi
University of Rochester
mcia@uhura.cc.rochester.edu
--
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Date: Sat, 11 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jon@chopin.udel.edu (Jon Deutsch)
Subject: 1-900-ALL-UNIX
Keywords: original, computer, sexual, smirk

Original:  (and it really works, too)
-------------------------------

SunOS% finger deutsch@chopin.udel.edu
[chopin.udel.edu] 

Login name: jon       			In real life: Jonathan R Deutsch
Directory: /home/brahms/usrc/10517  	Shell: /bin/tcsh
On since Jan 30 16:15:10 on ttypf from chapel-ts4.udel.
No unread mail
Project: To consult where no man has consulted before.
Plan:

			  *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
			  Call 1-900-ALL-UNIX
			  *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

		Talk 1-on-1 to a REAL Sun workstation.
		--------------------------------------

			-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 			No recordings. No AIX.
			-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

It's the REAL THING.

Call NOW, they're waiting for YOUR call.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

"I want to run YOUR process"  -- a real Sun workstation

"Your login makes me tingly all over"  -- another real Sun workstation

"I like users with BIG code" -- "Suzan@sun.900.num"

"Can you find my cntrl-G spot?"  -- "Sherry@sun.900.num"

"Lay your 'pipe', I can handle it"  -- "Marie@sun.900.num"

"I like collecting shells on the boardwalk"  -- "Dawn@sun.900.num"
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

		    	     CALL NOW!


--
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Message-id: <S3c7.23d1@looking.on.ca>
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: UOG11001@vm.uoguelph.ca (Brian Switzer)
Subject: Two Arabs and a Jew on a Plane
Keywords: heard it, smirk


Gregory Peck recently told this story:

    Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane.
The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of
orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him.  While he is up getting
the drinks, they spit in his shoes.  When they are about to land the
Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened.  He complains
to the Arabs, "When will it all end?  The hatred... the violence... the
killing... the spitting in shoes... the peeing in orange juice..."

--
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Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 3:20:8 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The UK General Election
From: JRP1@uk.ac.cambridge.phoenix (Jonathan R. Partington)
Keywords: topical, smirk

 For the last 3 weeks, officially, and for the last 2 years, unofficially,
we've had to endure the tedium of a General Election campaign in the UK.
As a result the last 20-odd news bulletins I've heard have been
something like this:

Here is the news.
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of
Health./Education./the EEC./taxes./the economy./Defence./public transport./
 devolution./public spending.
For the Tories,
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
condemned/described
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott
as a
bearded/bald/Welsh/sinister/fat/stupid
creep,/moron,/windbag,/toad,/lunatic,/fraud,
while for Labour,
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott
condemned/described
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
as a
selfish/bloated/dangerous/brutal/crooked/lying/dull grey
hound./android./snob./Rottweiler./swindler.
For the Liberal Democrats,
Paddy Ashdown condemned the
personal attacks/bickering/negative tactics/rudeness/insults/attitudes
of the other two parties and described
John Kinnock/Neil Major/Gerald Hurd/Douglas Kaufman/John Lamont/Norman Smith
as a
crazy/wicked/despotic/foolish/nasty/confused
child-molester./mass-murderer/rapist./thief./liar./adulterer.
Three new opinion polls were published today: a
Mori/Harris
poll puts the Conservatives
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead, whereas a
National Opinion Poll/Gallup poll
puts the Labour Party
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead. A
MORON/RAVING/BATTY/DUMBO/GOOFY
poll puts the
Liberal Democrats/Monster Raving Loony Party/Welsh Nationalists/
 Whiplash (corrective) party/Natural Law party/Fancy Dress party/Gremloids
in the lead by
27/37/47
percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four
most recent polls, puts
Labour/the Conservatives
one point/half a point/two points/one and a half points
ahead.
And now the rest of the news:
World War III broke out today./China has invaded Australia./
 Saddam Hussein has attacked Israel./the Martians have landed./
 the Second Coming took place 20 minutes ago./
 the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning./
 Chernobyl has exploded again.

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Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: RICHON@stsci.edu (I feel like a juggler running out of hands)
Subject: As time goes by
Keywords: original, chuckle

I guess you could say my wife wrote this.

    My wife and I were talking to a recently engaged friend of ours.  At
    one point my wife mentioned that every marriage goes through a
    lovey-dovey stage when the sun rises and sets on the other person. 
    "Don't you still feel that way?" I asked.  "Certainly I do," my wife
    answered, "it just sets earlier than it used to."
--

Joel Richon
richon@stsci.edu
--
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