From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Male/Female child care roles (was Re: At what age is day care appropriate?)
Date: 13 Apr 92 20:37:37 GMT
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California

In article <28620169@hpsmtc1.cup.hp.com> kperdue@hpsmtc1.cup.hp.com (Karla Perdue) writes:
>>|> >           Why do we scorn people who love their children but
>>|> >feel compelled to continue their interests outside the home?
>
>We don't scorn PEOPLE, we only scorn WOMEN who feel that way!!!

Yes, this is true.  In fact, it is more acceptable for an out of work man to
stay home while his children are in day-care than for a woman to have a job
and require day-care.  There is a very strong sexist bias in our society and
our greatest hope is in the next generation of children who were raised by
their Dad's.  They say it takes three generations for social change to take
place.  I hope we are the middle generation in that change.  I fear we are the
first.


>
>  "If [MEN] cannot take 5 years out of [their] career and whatever
>   personal satisfaction that gives [them] to devote to the upbringing
>   of another human being, then [they] should rethink having children."
>

Very good, and IMO still applicable.  A corollary for today's career man is
also valid.  How many men who work and have small children still have poker 
night, spend Saturdays on the golf course, come home from work and watch the 
news, etc?  How many are willing to give up their hobbies so they can spend 
what hours they don't HAVE to be away from their children with them?   From 
the trends I am seeing, more and more each day, and they deserve our applause.  
(Just as the women who work and give up their hobbies do).  But, not enough.  

I've heard lots of excuses for men not staying home, and I wonder why we as
a society of parents, or as women, or whatever accept these excuses.  I hear 
things like "He isn't responsible enough to care for small children."  Well,
self-fulfilling prophecy there.  Or, "he isn't pateint and nurturing."  Gee,
aren't these learnable skills?  Or, as Karla pointed out, "He wouldn't feel
fulfilled."  

PART of the problem is the men's attitudes.  But the other part is that we allow
these attitudes to prevail.  I see an awful lot of women accepting their
husband's, son's, and father's excuses for why child care is women's work.  

And I've seen some husband's do a great job of getting out of said work.  At a
party the wife of one of my highly competent collegues said, "I can't leave 
him alone with the children.  Why, I left him home once for an hour while I 
went shopping and the house nearly fell apart.  The baby had a poopy diaper, 
the toddler had emptied the kitchen cabinets and John (not real name) was 
watching football on TV".  My advice was to go away for the week-end.  Because 
what seemed so clearly to be happening was that John was successfully getting 
out of all child care.  And Mary was aiding him by buying into this.  And when 
John had 48 hours of child care he would discover he HAD to do it and Mary 
would discover he could.  (Of course, she didn't take my advice).

So, Karla, I'm not lucky (well, I am, but in a different way).  I am demanding.
It never occurred to me to doubt Ron's ability or question his willingness in
this situation.  This was the situation we were in.  And we each do the job we
were given (and fortunately we enjoy them most of the time). But would Ron 
have said, "Honey, I really WANT to stay home with the kids."  No!  Nor would 
I have ever said, "Honey, I'd really rather work."   That's the change I'm 
hoping my kids will make.  They'll actually choose.  We just accepted our fate
as dictated by our circumstances. 




-- 
"This is just a test.  Had this been a real life, you would have been given
further instructions on where to go and what to do."
							Judy Leedom Tyrer