From: tim@alberta.UUCP (The Bonehead)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Bathtubs:  Fun vs. Safety
Date: 27 Jul 87 22:32
Organization: The New Family Home



		    BATHTUBS: Fun vs. Safety

     Getting dirty is a bad thing because people will say "don't get
near me I don't know where you've been!" This is why dirt is bad, so
stay our of it! However, when we do get dirt on our body, we must wash
it off or it will FESTER! There are many wheys you could get clean, but
the shower and bath method are the most common.

     What ever you do, DON'T take a shower! This can be very scary, 
especially when someone is zooming about the house wielding a BUTCHER
KNIFE! Remember what happened in the movey? Also, there is lots of
noise and the curtains are closed! It is like being locked in a closet
with no doorknob on the inside and we might have CLOSETPHOBIA! Whew, 
that's a scary thing (especially to peons). So, we better take a bath
instead.

     Bonehead's motto is "fun before pleasure", so we must make sure
that every bath is loaded thrills and excitement! This means that we
must have lots of water toys. Now, the best toy we could ever have in
our bathtub is not even a TOY! The best "toy" is 5 hampsters and a SNAKE!
These toys don't even kneed batteries because they have little muscles!
So, dump the little critters in the tub and zoom the water in. This 
alwheys turns out to be a great time as the little wet hampsters zoom
awhey from the snake and get consumed in a great TIDAL WAVE (just like
during the great flood!) But WATCH OUT, because a snaig is a cold 
blooded creadure and when he get's hot, he zooms everywhere and he
can even slime right out of the tub! This is a bad thing, because our
parents or guardians probably hate snaigs!

     A bad thing to do is play with electric toys in the bathtub, expecially
ones with a cord, because the socket is probably not even in the bathroom
and it is not even SAFE! Another great toy is a 3 foot long battleship!
(This really scares the hampsters, but who cares!) Unfortunately we can't
get in the tub while we play with this toy, but it is great fun, especially
when we shoot the little wet, swimming hampsters with little rubber missiles!
It is also fun watching the little hampsters trying to crawl helplessly
onto the deck of the battleship!
     Once we have finished playing, we wash ourself and the hampsters with
soap and shampoo, but we must be careful because the hampsters will try to
cling to us for safety. Never, we repeat, NEVER fall asleep in the tub,
expecially when the water is running: we could get drownded and the water
would overflow the tub. This would also annoy our parents or guardians.
     After we have cleaned ourself we must pull the plug, but remember to
take out all the animals because it is illegal to let them go down the
drain. Also, don't forget to watch the water as it makes a whirlpool
(due to the CORIOLIS effect (we alwheys wanted to say that!)). Spitting into
the whirlpool is standard, so we shouldn't be ashamed of ourself if we
want to do this!

     Once we are out of the tub, we must dry off our body or we could
catch AIDS and DIE! A towel is good, but a wind tunnel blowing hot air
is the best. The wind tunnel also give us that wind-swept appearance
that everybody craves, and it fluffs up the hampsters beyond all
recognition! If you don't have a wind tunnel, then MAKE ONE! It's not
hard; just dig a tunnel through your basement wall and put some wind
at the other end (and that is the last of our free hints in this 
artiggle!)
-- 

Copyright 1986 The Bonehead.  All rights reserved.