From: jfriedman@eagle.wesleyan.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: SPOILER of an update + cry for help
Date: 21 Jul 92 20:36:24 GMT
Organization: Wesleyan University

Hello all.

It's been a while (almost two months, i think) since I last posted - I haven't
been reading the net, either.  I thought I had "moved on" and didn't "need"
this anymore (what does any of that mean?), but I've totally lost my moorings
and I need you guys again.
	Here's the briefest update (I don't even remember what I posted about
last).  Things with my SO got far more emotionally and physically serious than
I had ever intended to let them get, but he was wonderful and made me happy, so
I took the leap of faith (thanks to all who encouraged me to do so - even with
the way things are now, I'm glad I did it)  Then, about a month and a half
after we got together, his ex-fiance called him up, and the next day I was
single.  (In case I wasn't clear, she is no longer his *EX* fiance)  This all
took me quite by surprise, as you can imagine.  The week after he dumped me, we
fooled around some more, which didn't help my emotional state.  He refuses to
even tell her that we are still speaking, which makes me feel like shit and
makes me wonder how solid a relationship he gave me up for.  Anyhow, then my
body was doing weird stuff (I won't bother you with the details) and the woman
I spoke to at the gyn told me it sounded like I might be preggers, but not to
worry about it until i was due for my period (two weeks wait) - super, right? 
Pregnant with the child of a guy who is engaged to another woman.  Well, I'm
not (thank god) but only recently discovered that.  Anyhow, this weekend SHE
(the fiance) came to visit, I asked my SO if i could meet her (both morbid
curiosity and a desire to move on and deal with his life as a friend would) and
he flatly refused, saying it made him uncomfortable, and think how I would feel
if I were her.  Of course, he never considered how he would feel if he were me,
going about my life this weekend knowing that my ex and his fiance were a block
and a half away having sex on my mattress!!! (I loaned it to him for the summer
b/c I didn't need it and figured I'd get some use out of it there, anyhow)  and
never even getting the opportunity to look my fears in the eye, which is the
only way I know how to deal with them that works.  But instead, I bore all of
the discomfort, because he was willing to share none of it.  (Oh - I forgot,
when we split up, we promised and swore that we would remain close, which is
something that I have successfully done several times, so it was not an
unreasonable promise, at least not for me).  He is not, however, being any kind
of friend, and i know that I need to talk to hm about it, but I am scared, and
this break up has already fucked me up big time for reasons I cannot comprehend
(i am generally rather resilient in relationships) and I am scaredto death.

(WARNING!!!! SPOILER!!!!)
In addition (or perhaps as a result), I had a rape dream two nights ago, while
home (family "home") overnight to see a dear friend of mine. (This is while the
fiance is still on campus, but I can't figure what the connection is if there
is one).  i dreamt that I was educating/counseling young girls (@ age 10) about
sexual assault issues in a school, and the director of the program caught me
alone in a classroom (which I think was supposed to represent the classroom in
which I had my first kiss) and came on to me and then held me down (he was a
very heavy man) and raped me, after which he left, I composed my self, and the
kids came in for another session, but the other counselors were telling them
that it was their responsibility to not attract men they didn't want and more
victim-blame stuff, etc.  I tried to argue, but as I talked they continued to
talk to the kids - everyone basically pretended I wasn't there.  Yikes.  The
thing that disturbs me the most about having the dream is how calm I am about
it (and how calm and accepting I was in the dream), even though it came
basically out of nowhere.  I am afraid i am shutting off a lot of my feelings,
and allowing others (jealousy, especially) to run wild with my life.  On top of
everything, my therapist is out of town this week, and her receptionist is beng
a shit to me b/c she's not supposed to see students during the summer, but she
wants to see me anyhow, and her receptionist resents my usurpng her time.

Advice?  Support?  Perrspective?  HELP?  Any and all e-hugs would be
appreciated.

Peace, strength, and healing,
-jac