From: satan@wpi.WPI.EDU (mMaEtYtER)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: too much rope
Date: 6 Jan 1993 02:44:50 GMT
Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: wpi.wpi.edu


Preacher of poet who was it wrote
Give any one species too much rope
And they'll fuck it up

(Roger WAters)


Ya' know he's too damn right.  Of course its easy to say that when you've got 
about 5000 plus years of recorded hisptry to look back on.  The human race is 
full of fuckups.  Just about every single one of us - fuck ups in one way or
another.  Ignorant to the varied effects of aour actions - and i don't just
mean thgis environmentally  - on the whole we are bound to fuck everything up.
[not let's see if i can make it thru the rest of this with out saying fuck, or
some derivative thereof]

Sometimes i think i could use some of that rope, but hanging definitely
is not the way to go about it.  Preferably, I want to die by jumping out
of a plane or off a building or cliff.  Just somethjing really tall.  I 
really like the idea and the feeling of falling.  Its so cool, the kind
of rush it involves.  I was up at Mt. Washington (in  New hampshire) 
this summer.  Its like the tallest peak in the Northeast or , west of
the Mississippi or something.  Its a goregeus place, though.  Lots 
of granite - silver, gray and black  ragged edges of solid stone.  Just 
walking aroud the place in the mist was kind of spiritual.  There were
nice cliffs  and all - just begging to bne jumped off of.  Sittinbg there
my head hangin over the edge, looking at it upside up, up side down. It
was cool.  Part of me really wanted jump.  Part of me didn't - i had a
girlfriend at the time, it was summer, i was making good money, the
sex was very good, and life was generally all right.  But hte  whole 
concept of jumping seemed so romantic. I am a romantic - and a cynic
and a pessimist.  It woulda been cool.  I wrote a poem about it all. 
that came out well. thought of posting it. decided not too. Its the
second poem i've written about jumping to my death.  The other one was
about jumping from the top of this stone/medevial tower not far from
here (its actually not high enough though).  I used to dream about 
falling off a cliff - a lot.  It was funky.  Half way down it wasn't 
me anymore - it was someone, some face i didn't recognize. Never  did
see the body hit the ground.  This dream was always in B&W too. Most
of the dreams i remember are color - like you care. If anyones even 
reading this at this pt. i am ammazed.

Ths saddest thing right now is that this pc, this archaic little 286
has been my best friend for the last 4 weeks.  I, for all intensive
purposes, spent the holidays alone.  I spend  4 or 5 hours logged on 
reading news to keep my mind off being as fucking lonely as i am.
right now i am debating working my way thru that liter of absolut 
i've got in the fridge.  Never have found answers in the bottom of 
a bottle though.  Never will either.  The most you find at the 
bottom is the country the bottle was made in.  I am just sick o f this 
shit. I am one of those ppl whoallways hears about events after they
happen,  Somehow  get oleft off mailing lists.  I love it when ppl 
ask "why weren't you at so & so's last nyt?' -maybe cuz this is the
first i've fucking heard about it (there's one <---).  And these are
the same ppl i take calsses with, do extracurriculars with, who 
i've invited to my place for chili and nachos.... What the fuck?!
The easy answer is - hey everyone thinks your an asshole-  maybe 
taht's ,true.  sometimes i want to beleive that. I would just go 
and find new friends, but i don't think that's it.  I just seem to be this
flooating variant/variable.  Yeah i know lotsa ppl, they know me, but i get 
lost in the shuffle all the time, end up the deuce of spades lying 
in the shadow of a card table.  The ppl i seemingly can depend on 
now live an hour plus away... and lately even they have bbeen 
blowing me off.  I was over a friends last night.  There were a few
of us there. We watched a movie talked,played some games - a mellow
night.  And she's liek yeah we'lll be around all week, drop by anytime
or call. "your more than welcome to come over"  Of course when it came 
to making plans this eve i heard nothing of it.  she's out somewhere
with some group of firiends.  In case your wondering, classes are still
out but i am up her at school any way.

enough babble i think.  its time for a drink or soem serious level of
stupidity.  

self pity is a wonderful thing


they wont even let me modify my chfn file fuckin' a (that's 2!)



skirting the black for something darker,

satan

-- 
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* satan@wpi *Preacher or poet who was it wrote Give any one species too much 
*           *rope And they'll fuck it up.    - Roger Waters   
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Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday