From: pghol@ctp.com (Preeti Anissa Gholap)
Subject: Re: To Marry (Indian) or Not?
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 17:34:43 GMT
Organization: Cambridge Technology Partners

This may be posted twice - sorry.

I'm glad someone tried to analyse my article in light of other 
communities, especially as it applies (or not) to IA men 
and women. However...

satyen writes:
>The choices people make are rarely independent of the social and 
>cultural preferences and prejudices of the host society. I do not 
>disagree that Indian society is unfair to women in a lot of ways, 
>and that many Indian men harbor sexist attitudes consciously or 
>unconsciously. But can anyone make the case for me that American 
>men, on the whole, are any less sexist ? 

No one is making that case --well, I wasn't, at any rate, even though I
might be tempted to!
I mentioned that many subcontinental women who now live here,
deliberately or not, end up dating/marrying "internationally
and inter-racially" -- thats a far wider spectrum than just "American". 

>other hand, to argue that the Indian men who come over from India 
>to study/settle here are from a stratum of society that is more 
>liberal in its attitudes toward/about women, and that these men 
>are not as sexist as are American men taken as an entirety. 

When you make the case that II men who emigrate for education/settling
purposes are "not as sexist as are American men taken as an entirety"
keep in mind two things:
The II woman is not likely to encounter American men in their entirety.
She is likely to encounter American, and other men who, like her,
are college bound and come from a strata of their respective societies
that values education amongst other things.These men are, in my
observation, more likely to take for granted that a woman has a 
right to work/study/be what ever she wants to be than are their
II male counterparts.
Secondly, "not as  sexist" is simply not good enough, in many women's
opinions! (mine included)

> Similarly,Indian men brought up here are quite likely to be empathetic to 
>the feelings and aspirations of women on account of their own 
>automatic lower status.

I'm sorry to hear that its perceived that Indian men brought up 
here are accorded an "automatic lower status" ! 
What do all you fine Indian-American men have to say to that ?? :)

>So, the question is, if Indian women end up, presumably, finding 
>non-sexist American men to date/marry - these are exceptions to the 
>rule among American men ! Why won't Indian women bother to look for 
>the exceptions to the rule among Indian men, who would be more common, 
>especially here in the US ? 

Its a numbers game. If some Indian women dont "bother to look
for the exceptions to the rule among Indian men", its probably
because they don't meet that many to begin with, and of the ones
they meet, they are too buzy with their careers and educations
to sift through the haystack to find the needle... 

>The answer to sexism in the Indian community cannot be the practice 
>of a reverse sexism mixed with racism, which is what the preference 
>of Indian women for non-Indian spouses amounts to, in the final 
>analysis. My sense is that women are deluding themselves if they 
>believe that American men are not sexist or that American society
>is yet free of institutionalized discrimination against women.
>If they wish to leverage their 'exotic' status to their advantage, 
>or use the idea that American men are less sexist as a mask for 
>self-hatred, well ... I suppose that is their right.

Whoa! If individual Indian women elect non-Indian partners,
its called "their business", NOT "reverse sexism" !

I do not see why ANYONE should feel a sense of obligation to
choose a marriage or dating partner solely from one's
own community. Of the subcontinental women I was refering to
in my original article, NOT ONE of them is under any delusion
about American society or Indian society for that matter. 
They have just, as a result of past experience, decided
that they are more compatible with a particular individual
who happens to be of a different ethnicity.
I dont think its our place to condemn or condone their choice.
Its simply no one else's business but their own!

I simply do not understand the connection you attempt to make
between choice of spouse and self-hatred... just let me
say that these women have healthy and hearty egos and 
self images - despite frequent interaction with close minded
Indians who would make illogical equations of the type you
just did... However, statements like yours are perhaps just
one more reason that contributes to their dim view of
Indian men !

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^ Preeti Anissa Gholap ^ CTP Inc. ^ 304 Vassar St. ^ Cambridge MA 02139 USA ^
^ pghol@ctp.com        ^          ^ (617)374-9800  ^                        ^
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Newsgroups: alt.culture.us.asian-indian