From: gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl)
Subject: Re: self esteem and being ok for me
Organization: University of Chicago
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 16:36:58 GMT

In article <1992Apr13.141623.1@eagle.wesleyan.edu>, debbie writes:
> 
> [description of real pain]

Wow! You've really laid out a lot of complex emotions; no wonder you feel
overwhelmed. I'd like to share some of my humble opinions with you. First,
you're not cheating by posting to this group; it's not restricted to
childhood incidents. Second, even though it doesn't feel =good= to be
so overwhelmed (okay, it feels like total sh*t), it's a pretty standard
part of the process of healing. I know a lot (most?) of the time, I feel
like I must be losing my mind, but I'm not. I think that "crazy" feeling
is what happens when the reality of my feelings meets with the denial of
my experience ("oh, it was really my fault," etc.) Those two things just
can't coexist side by side; one or the other has to be true and the
ensuing confusion - after all, I learned to trust my feelings NOT, but
they seem just as real as my denial - makes me feel overwhelmed and
crazy.

This is a good time to remember that this is not an all-or-none thing.
Part of me (I'm going to use myself as the guinea pig) was wounded and
needs to heal. That part is screaming in pain. But part of me functions
in a very healthy way. I'm not paralyzed, even though sometimes I'm
pretty damned incapacitated; I just have (say) a broken leg. So I can't
be in the Olympics, but there's still a hell of a lot I =can= do until
I'm healed. I'd say reward yourself for being functional, but also
assuage yourself for being hurt. You =are= OK, all of you, the part that
is functioning and the part that is in pain.




> .... I put him first. It was my duty. I am
> guilty because it is my fault he wanted me. I am responsible and am obligated
> to make it ok. I KNOW it's wrong and fucxked up logic, but dammit. I thought it
> was the best thing I had to offer. Is there a clause in self esteem that says
> it's ok to say no? that it's ok to put my needs first? that it's ok to cry
> afterwards if it was a mistake?. My rapist (neither) know that they raped me
> because it would kill them, or at least the recent one to know that I left and
> wasn;t with them, and that they were people who had hurt me. And my whole life
> i've been taught to make peace and not cause anybody harm. I am strong and I
> can take the pain. I've carried it alone for five years. I've told people but
> it was not to vent it was to explain my background and it never makes me feel
> better, it makes me feel stupid for having lain there and taken it for so long.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what have these people done to deserve
your loyalty and protection? It is not only OK, it is healthier for =everybody=
for you to put yourself first. YOU! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! You are the one
who deserves your loyalty and protection, not them. You have no duty, none,
zip, nada, nil, no obligation whatsoever to protect these people. You are
not stupid; you are brave for asking yourself some tough questions. Give
yourself the respect you deserve!



> .... I don't pretend to understand the
> severity of the betrayal you all feel. this is mine and I can only offer a hand
> and sympathy. It's what I'm good at.

I think you understand betrayal pretty well! Please take some of the hand
and sympathy you offer to us and offer it to yourself! You deserve a break!

Friends in healing,
Black Pearl