From: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel)
Subject: Re: the usual Ian Hunter syndrome
Reply-To: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu
Organization: The Ghost Of Christmas Past Society
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 01:50:59 GMT


thespian@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Stephanie M. Clarkson) writes:
>jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel) writes:
>> "well, you're just the kind of guy that everyone sees as a friend."
>> 
 
>You know...I was noticing the other day that I only seem to go for the 
>guys that 90% of the women around me say that about...
 
Well, you're not the ONLY person like that... I'm not THAT lonely.  :)
It's just all too common in my case.  I'm not BAD looking, but I'm no Robert
Redford, and I'm NOT the aggressive personality type that seems to be
what's most sought after.  You just can't change yourself to suit others'
expectations, or you'll go NUTS trying to maintain a facade.

Sometimes it's just a certain personal magnetism.  My roommate last semester
was one of the world's classic examples of this: Australian background and
accent, rugged good looks, a BMW and a nice dress style, all coupled with a
soft-spoken "nice" personality.  My quasi-girlfriend at the time referred to me
as "cute, in your own way" (thanks, dear).  She referred to the roommate as 
"the kind of guy that just makes you want to cream your jeans."  Go figure. 

LOTS of people I know are more than happy to have a brother/friend-type around.
It's only when the brother-type develops an extracurricular interest that the
situation turns ugly.  I've spent my share of time in this situation, and I've
found that the potential for romantic/emotional commitment exists--but only
when (a) the other person is feeling emotionally vulnerable or depressed and
wants someone to lean on for a bit, and (b) there's no one else interested in
that person who'd they'd also be interested in.  No flames, just my history
and observations.

>(this observation was immediately followed by an accusation of "so, how 
>long have you wanted to sleep with your big brother?"  Well, I don't have 
>a big brother, but I do remember that being my fondest wish from the time 
>I was old enough to know what one was until about 6 years ago...so now I 
>have to worry about whether I'm doing this on purpose or not, and if I 
>am, if it's sick...:-)
 
There's nothing wrong at all with wanting a sibling-like relationship with
someone--it's as close as two people can get without having to muck about with
the logistics of physical commitment.  A brother/sister doesn't play mind
games, in general; at the same time, that lack of "mystery" can make the sizzle
in a relationship go fzzzzzt.  I could name three or four people who I had
that sibling-closeness with over the past couple of years; not coincidentally,
none of them were particularly interested in a physical/romantic fling.

"Sibling love" can happen: I'm evidence that it can occasionally click on all
cylinders. It just takes a LOT of time, effort, luck and persistance, even
with the "right" person.  Sometimes, you just don't want to WAIT that long. :) 


--
     jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu    \\---//  have clue, will travel.
       ---------------------------------------------------
     It's time to see the world / It's time to kiss the girl
              It's time to cross the wild meridian
  Grab your bag and take a chance / Time to learn a Cajun dance
             Kid, you're gonna see the morning sun... 
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