From: tlode@isis.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
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Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 06:27:23 GMT

In article <1992Apr9.202525.25582@cbnewse.cb.att.com>
            hjanssen@cbnewse.cb.att.com (hank janssen) writes:
>
>On another note, we keep on saying that it is men wooing  women  away.
>Is this our ego speaking. I would think it is  the  other  way  around
>just as much.  Am i wrong.??


I don't think you're wrong in this statement; I do think we can conclude
from this that it seems to be a significant emotional issue for a lot
more male contributors to soc.singles than female contributors.

I get the impression that a number of men here have been burned by someone
pursuing someone they were interested in or, failing that, are very
insecure in their relationships--either with their ability to withstand
outside temptation, their ability to get into a new relationship should
one they're in falter, or both.  It may also be that there's a greater
tendency among male soc.singlers to view being dumped for someone else
as directly affecting their internal evaluation of their self-worth
(though I think I've seen this enough among female soc.singlers to
suspect that this is far from an exclusively male territory).

Certainly I've been in relationships that have ended, at least in part,
due to pursuit of my partner by a third party and my partner deciding to
be involved with someone else instead--lots of times, in fact.  I don't
think there's anything horrible or unnatural in this--by and large, most
of us get involved in more than one relationship in our lives, and in
many of these, we move to a new one directly from an old one.

If someone is attempting to woo a woman whom I'm involved with, it's her
responsibility to decide whether or not to try to get the third party to
'cool it.'  If she has decided she wants the third party to cut it out
and asks me to have words with that third party, only then is it appropriate
for me to interfere--otherwise, I can only express my feelings and wishes
about the matter to her, which may include whether or not I would wish to
continue our relationship if the situation progresses further.

However, regardless of the situation, if someone is wooing my partner with
my partner's encouragement, then that someone is not behaving in an
immoral fashion (tacky, possibly, but not immoral), and any problem that
this causes between me and my partner is between us and needs to be
resolved between us.

I've been involved with women who have eagerly accepted such attention from
others and other women who greeted such attention with a whithering glance.
Those in the former category were more likely to leave me for someone else,
but those relationships were not ones that would have been likely to last
regardless--and in the process, some of them have ended up in relationships
that did a better job of satisfying their needs than continuing the 
relationship with me would have.

Sure it can be hard on the spirit sometimes, but if discovering and
maintaining the ideal relationship were easy and heartbreak-free, it
would really cut down on the interesting conversations we have here
on soc.singles.

Trygve