From: 6500ursa@ucsbuxa.ucsb.edu (Disco Junkie)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: H*ll of a situation!
Date: 18 Nov 92 21:52:59 GMT

In article <7593@tekig7.PEN.TEK.COM> doughe@tekig6.PEN.TEK.COM (Douglas E Helbling) writes:

>In article <1992Nov12.163019.1802@ccsvax.sfasu.edu> z_arthurjk@ccsvax.sfasu.edu writes:
>>I haven't met a nice young woman to have a rewarding relationship
>>with in over two years.  Love just isn't on my side.  I'm sort of shy
>>What, if anything, can I do to get out of this predicament?
  
>>Jay

Time to stop lurking and throw in my $.02 worth.  Isn't this a typical 
complaint that one hears in this newsgroup? I can relate to this because I was 
in this predicament, too.  Now, look at the standard advice given below... 

>	1) Continue to be yourself.  But try to make a sublte point of some
>	   aspects of you or your life that differentiate the nice you
>	   from the tame and boring you.

>	2) Go places that that nice women go and be yourself there.

>	3) Keep going there.  Persistance and consistency are the
>	   magic words here.  

This is your typical advice, well meaning, correct, and will work.  However,
for most people in this predicament, it is of little use, because one does
not know HOW to be oneself, or how to not try as hard, or how not to lose
faith.  Don't get me wrong, the ideas are right, but there is no form or
organization in how to do it.  Here's what I did to break out of that rut.
I"ve used weightlifting as my model.  One doesn't just go out and try the
heaviest weight, one adds weight slowly and gets used to it.  The same with
dating.  One starts out in low pressure situations and adds more pressure
little by little.  This is basically a trial-and-error model.  You must
be willing to make, and learn from your mistakes!  By the way, I'm not
a cassanova, or hansomely good looking, but just an average guy.  But, from
watching people who are successful in dating, I've noticed a few things... 

1)First, learn to be happy by oneself.  After a breakup, I took two months
  off from actively trying to have a social life, and learned to do things
  on my own (taught myself cooking, went to social dance class with NO
  intention of meeting others, work on projects, etc)  It's okay to do
  things with other people, but one should wipe out any thoughts of meeting
  other people, in order to take off pressure.  During this stage, one is
  trying to break the mindset/habit that one can only be happy with another
  person, or that one "needs" a relationship.  This is very low pressure.
  Work on this important stage, as only those happy with themselves can
  move on to stage #2.  It's also important to start paying attention to
  your looks, not for others, but for yourself (and in preparation for the
  other stages ahead).   

2)Once one feels less of a "need" to have a relationship, then concentrate
  on making friends of the same sex.  Here, one is learning the skills of
  social intercourse.  It's not too intimidating, since one is only trying to 
  learn to make conversation, and be a friend.  Put oneself in a social 
  situation like this so often that one will be used to it.

3)Now, try to make friends of the opposite sex (or same sex, for some of you).
  Honestly, just friends.  Don't even THINK of romance at this stage.  
  (Of course, if something comes your way...well...)  One is just trying to 
  get used to talking to members of the opposite sex as human beings, not as 
  romance/sex objects.  Remember, JUST FRIENDS.

4)If you've done stage 3 correctly, then you should have lots of friends of
  the opposite sex by now, and some of them might be interested in you, since 
  you are  calm and NOT NEEDY FOR A RELATIONSHIP (which is a big turn-on).  
  Now, you're gonna start flirting, NOTHING MORE, with those that you
  feel comfortable with.  In this stage, one will learn to flirt.  You will 
  also learn when not to flirt through experience.  You are learning to read 
  body signals.  Remember, don't even THINK of romance yet...

5)If you did stage 5 correctly, then with some, the flirting will be intense.
  Ask them out to a date.  Here, one is learning to run a successful date.  
  Again, don't even THINK of romance at this stage.  You might want to even 
  date through the personals, just to get experience.  Putting too much 
  pressure on the first date is often a big turn-off.  You will learn
  not to do that at this stage, through trial and error. 

6)Now, by this stage, you should have lots of dates.  Now take those that
  you've most enjoyed, and concentrate of romance in this stage.  If you've
  dated a lot of people, then a few of them should be interested in you.
  If not, go back a few stages and try again.

I don't want to make this too long.  Other posters on this newsgroup can
fill in the blanks for me.  You know who you are.  And remember, your mileage 
may vary...what works for you may not work for me and vica versa.  Now back to 
work.
Newsgroups: alt.romance