From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Re: Is Light Bulb jokes summary file available?
Date: 28 Dec 92 02:46:53 GMT
Article-I.D.: gibdo.1992Dec28.023033.19902
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: gibdo.engr.washington.edu


  Subject: Lightbulb Joke Collection
  Date: October, 1991 (from rec.humor)
  
  Accept no substitutes; this is the original and only complete Canonical
  Collection of Light Bulb Jokes, from the original collector.  This file has
  been continuously maintained since 1983 and now appears occasionally even
  in print media.  Aspirants to the canon, send jokes to kurt@tc.fluke.COM.
  
     -----   Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes   -----
  
     This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as
     a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes, most
     of which will be repeats.  Light bulb jokes recur on the network every
     academic quarter, and long-time news readers look forward with dread
     to each new round of the same old jokes.
  
     "Canonical Collection" refers to a representative subset, or set
     of archetypes.  It is possible to construct infinite variations by
     substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding
     certain jokes into seventy line monsters.  The idea of the canonical
     collection is that only one of each type of joke is canonized.
  
     The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and
     are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people.
     In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes.  In California, they are
     'Marin County' jokes, and so on.  Some of these jokes are also told as
     'Jewish American Princess' jokes.
  
     You may substitute any ethnic group for `<ethnic>'.  I feel it would be
     inappropriate for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so
     many and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
  
     !WARNING!  This file contains material of a satirical nature.  It may be
     offensive to members of the following groups:
  
     Californians       Oregonians      New Yorkers     New Jersey-ians
     Poles              Russians        <ethnics>       (Space) Aliens
     Politicians        Communists      Capitalists     Conservatives
     Pro-lifers         Feminists       Homosexuals     Junkies
     Parents            Babies          Students        Frat rats
     Athletes           Artists         Writers         Performers
     various scientists Professors      Mathematicians  Engineers       
     Field Service folk Software folks  Hardware folks  Marketing folks
     Doctors            Lawyers         Accountants     all managers
     Economists         Soldiers        WASPs           various animals
     Christians         Jews            Buddhists       God(s)
     Necrophiliacs      Philosophers    Poets           Police officers
  
     and many others who are no doubt offended to have been left off this
     list.  The last time I looked there were 128 jokes in this file.
  
     Thanks to unicads!les for the generating function for light bulb jokes:
  
      Q:  How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take
          to perform a particular menial activity?
      A:  A finite positive integer F.  One to perform the activity, and the
          rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group.
  
        If F == 1 then the joke has unusually small hope of being funny.
  
      I owe to mindlink!Charlie_Gibbs patient collecting efforts the further
      requirement that the stereotypical behavior above have some relationship
      to repair/decay, rotation/screwing, light/dark, bulbs, or meta-humor
      (jokes about light bulb jokes).
  
  -----     The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes     -----
  
  Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
  A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.
  
  Q:  How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
  Q': How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A': 115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
  Q": How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A": Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
  
  Q:  How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  There's a primitive for that.
  
  Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?
  
  Q:  How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
  
  Q:  How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
  A:  None, they like to keep him in the dark.
  
  Q:  How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  All of them.
  
  Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
      of license fee (binary only).
  A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
      drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
  A": Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
      of their subordinates to actually change it.
  
  Q:  How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  It takes two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
  
  Q:  How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  It depends whether the switch is on or off. 
  
  Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
  A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
      pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
      Meanwhile...
  
  Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
  
  Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  About one third less than for a regular bulb.
  
  Q:  How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
      screws the bulb into the water faucet.
  A': 45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
  
  Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
      you knew how many.
  Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
  
  Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
      to the experience.
  
  Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Three, but they're really only one.
  
  Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to 
      go back on.
  
  Q:  How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." 
      (Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
  
  Q:  How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
      previous bulb.
  
  Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
  A': We don't know.  They never get past the feasibility study.
  
  Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  It turned itself in.
  
  Q:  How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  To get to the other side.
  
  Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Three:
        One to write the light bulb removal program,
        one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
        one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
            nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
  
  Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
      installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  
  Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  One.
  
  Q:  How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
  A': None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
  A": None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
      itself in.
  
  Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
      a light bulb?
  A:  Many hands make light work.
   
  Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
  A:  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
  
  Q:  How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
      light bulb?
  A:  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
      Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
      to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
      that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
      see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
      stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
      light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
      shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
      promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
      is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
      approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
      Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
      a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs 
      they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
      planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, 
      and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
  Note:  There are versions for every popular TV show.  This was among the first.
  
  Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
      itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
      reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
      toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
  
  Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
  
  Q:  How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Four.  One to screw in the bulb, one to comment on how the bulb violates
      the socket, one to secretly wish she was the bulb, and one to secretly
      wish she was the socket.
  A:  Thats not funny!
  Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
  A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
  
  Q:  How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
      how good the old light bulb was.
  
  Q:  How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
  
  Q:  How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
  A': Five:  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
  A": None.  Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
  
  Q:  How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A:  Who can tell.  FSE's are always in the dark.
  A': 2.  One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
  Q': How long will it take?
  A:' That's indeterminate.  It depends on how many dead bulbs they've 
      brought with them.
  Q": What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
  A": They replace your fuse box.
      Note:  FSE's are "Field Service Engineers".
  
  Q:  How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
  
  Q:  How many gay rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
  
  Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
      civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
  
  Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
  
  Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
      get it done.
  
  Q:  How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights.
  
  Q:  How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  None.  That's a software problem.
  A': None.  They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
  
  Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
  
  Q:  How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
  
  Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
  
  Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
  
  Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  How many can you afford?
  A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
  A": Lawyers don't change bulbs.  Now if you're looking for someone to
      really screw a bulb...
  
  Q:  How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Three.  One to screw it and two to talk about how much better it
      is than with a man.
  
  Q:  How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Libertarians never change light  bulbs, because someone
      might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
  
  Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
  
  Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  You have to replace the whole motherboard.
  A'  None.  Mac users don't screw, they just point and click at the
      genital icon.
  
  Q:  How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
  A:  50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
  
  Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
  
  Q:  How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Depends on what you want to change it into.
  
  Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  It's left to the reader as an exercise.
  A': One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
      problem to an earlier joke.
  A": One.  He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
      problem to an earlier joke.
  A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
  
      Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
        problem to an earlier joke...
  
      In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
      can change a light bulb.
  
      If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
      watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the 
      light bulb.
  
      Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
      n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
  
      Bibliography:
  
      [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
  
  Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
  
  Q:  How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  101.  One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
      light bulbs too.
  
  Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
  
  Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A:  No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
  A': Twenty.  One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
      in on the guest list.  See also "How many junkies..."
  
  Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
      give it a surprising twist at the end.
  
  Q:  How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
  A:  None.  Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
  A': Only one.  Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
      your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
  
  Q:  How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
      third to shoot the witness.
  
  Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
  A': 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
  
  Q:  How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  There is nothing to change.
  
  Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
      with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
  
  Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the 
      Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
  A': Nine.  One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
      power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
  
  Q:  How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
      on strike!
  
  Q:  How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
      out from under him.
  
  Q:  How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  6:  2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
      lit from the moment they began screwing.
  
  Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
  
  Q:  How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
  
  Q:  How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  ---- You should have hit "n"!
  
  Q:  How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
  A:: None of your damn business!
  
  Q:  How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
      do it.
  
  Q:  How many (Chinese) Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
  
  Q:  How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
      to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
  
  Q:  "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
  A:  "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
      the ship out of disgrace."
      (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
      consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
  
  Q:  How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
      light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
      production!
  
  Q:  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
  
  Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Nobody knows.  Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
  
  Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Billions and billions.
  
  Q:  How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  Thats a hardware problem.
  A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
  A": Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  
  Q:  How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
      being changed.
  
  Q:  How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Both of them.
  
  Q:  How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
      sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
  
  Q:  How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
  A:  Three.  They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
  
  Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
      bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
  
  Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
  
  Q:  How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  You cannot change a light bulb.  By its nature it will go out again.
  
  Q:  How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
        of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
  A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
  
  Q:  How many Televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  Televangelists screw in motels.
  
  Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  None.  There never *was* any light bulb.
  Note:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
  
  Q:  How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
  Note:  Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
  
  Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
  
  Q:  How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
  
  Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
  
  Q:  How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
  A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
  Q": How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A": Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
  
  Q:  How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
  
  Q:  How many people does it take to change a one WATT bulb??
  A:  Five.   A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
  Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
  
  Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A:  A tree in a golden forest.
  A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
  A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen
      answer is Four.  One to change the bulb.
  A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
  
  End of the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
  ==

  [Note: This list was taken off of rec.humor.  I did not put it together.]

  Bob                                              Seattle, Washington
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d