From: johnd@cortex.physiol.su.oz.au (John Dodson)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: wedding telegrams or Here we go again.
Date: 16 Nov 92 21:50:42 GMT
Organization: Department of Physiology, University of Sydney, NSW, Australia

In <1042@dgaust.dg.oz> agius@dgaust.dg.oz (Jim Agius) writes:

>A couple of weeks ago there were some wedding telegrams posted to this group.
>As I am going to a wedding this w'end i am in need of something other than the
>norm.
>If someone out there has a list of telegrams could they please post it to this 
>newsgroup.
>Ta muchley.
 
Best man/Wedding jokes/telegrams
********************************
Posted to aus.jokes a few times... (about once every 6 months ;-)
						     ^^^^^^^^
						     or Two weeks ????

(some original, most collected by johnd@physiol.su.oz.au)

*       The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -
                - a little bit of breast
                - a little bit of leg
                ..... and a lot of stuffing !!!


*       Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

*       Forecast for Wedding...
                Expected development of Warm front, with extreme
                turbulence and moisture in lower regions.
                Good possibility of six inches overnight.
                Sun(son) is expected later on.

*       Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.

*       Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently
        and She'll last for many years.

*       If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

*       Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass,
        One long hard route.

*       Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,
        or you will get a Weak End.

*       Take heed from those who know
        Tie you nightie to your toes
        Close your eyes - hold your nose
        Then see how it goes...

*       Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give
        his bone to the woman next door.

*       Treat him like a flower...
                                        grab him by the stalk.

*       We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the
        black leather boots and bull whip ?

*       Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes
        you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you
        Pregnant.

*       Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be
        an Off-Spring next Spring.

*       Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of
        Bride and Groom Mounted.

*       Congatulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great.

*       Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms
        in womans sink.

*       Don't buy you bed from Grace Brothers (Myers) they stand
        behind everthing they sell.

*	(a more subtle version From: jem@latcs1.lat.oz.au (Joan McGalliard))
	Don't buy your bed from Myers, or people will watch you having sex.

*       Hope all your Tries are not converted.

*       Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come.

*       A honeymoon should be like a table...
                Four bare legs and no drawers.


"I was engaged myself once.  To a contortionist.  But she broke it off."

*       Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.

*       And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he
        always had it in for him...


*  "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
   never get to prove it."

*  The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've
   found a woman just like mother!"  His father replied, "So what do
   you want from me, sympathy?"


*	Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
		Firstly, The Marriage Game,
		Followed by, Great Temptation,
		The Untouchables,
		Mission Impossible,
		The Time is Right,
		Rawhide and Bonanza.

*	They were married on the cricket field, that night they were
	quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure
	this can't be cricket.

*	A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you,
	so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you
	play make sure it's at the end of the day.

*	Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled
	in each others stern line, recommended inter between course
	69 STOP
	Happy voyage, bottoms up.

*	Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for you plug

*	Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube,
	go deep and eject.

*	May the Blue bird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

*	Confucious say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

*	Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in
	Labor.

*	She offered her honour,
	He honoured he offer,
	and all night he was on her and off her.

*	Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know
	where the wild goose goes.

*	Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

*	Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may
	I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
	desperation and frustration which has caused you so much
	consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
	combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

To the wife:

Be like every good football coach.  Try him out in every position, if he 
fails to perform, pull him off and put someone else on.  


From article <1601@physiol.su.oz.au>, by johnd@physiol.su.oz.au (John Dodson):
> In <1271@sol.deakin.OZ.AU> riddles@cm.deakin.oz.au (Glenn Ridley) writes:
> 
> *       Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,
>         or you will get a Weak End.
> 
   Or

	Why do honeymoons only go for 6 days?
	Because 7 days makes a whole week.


 From the <local name> football club -
   We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.


          After a moment of quite repose
          It's tum to tum and toes to toes
          After a moment of sheer delight
          It's back to back for the rest of the night.


Dear {bride},
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
{Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you
to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
		^-or sucking on a dummy.
 
> "Isn't it funny how history repeats itself. When {insert brides name} was
> a little girl, her parents used to put her to bed sucking on a dummy.
> Tonite, they're doing it again!"                  ^^^^^^^^^^ 
> 
> Sorry about that I couldn't resist.
> 
> Gareth.

My brother-in-law used to visit surrounding aboriginal towns as part of his job
when he was in Jabiru NT.  At his wedding, some one sent the following
telegram...

Tiny,  what for you marry white girl and leavum me in lurch?  Mary of Oenpelli
-- 
Glenn Wallace					comp_oper@darwin.ntu.edu.au
Northern Territory University
Darwin, Northern Territory,
Australia, World, Universe, etc...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A telegram 'received' at a recent wedding I attended went something like:

1. Now that Joe is being taken out of `action' we may as well return the keys to his flat. Signed, the girls. Upon hearing this all the single girls at the reception get up and deliver keys (secretly given to them earlier by the best man) to the groom's table.

Paul Heuer   (pzh@aeg.dsto.oz.au)
In article <1992Feb24.200147.21412@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz> elemjm@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Michael Miles) writes:
>My sister is getting married in a few days, and I would love to have some
>jokes to suit the occasion. There are a lot of very good "Wedding Telegram"
>jokes around, but I cannot remember any.

One I have heard on several occasions, and always seems to amuse:

	May your marriage become like an old TV set,
	four wobbly legs and a worn knob.
In article <1992Mar25.134205.415@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au> int477k@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Mr B.J. Judge) writes:
>In article <1992Feb24.200147.21412@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz> elemjm@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Michael Miles) writes:
>>My sister is getting married in a few days, and I would love to have some
>>jokes to suit the occasion. There are a lot of very good "Wedding Telegram"
>>jokes around, but I cannot remember any.
>
>One I have heard on several occasions, and always seems to amuse:
>
>	May your marriage become like an old TV set,
>	four wobbly legs and a worn knob.

Or:

  "Your new wife is like a frying pan - you have to heat her up before
you can stick the fat in.."

Mitch.
-------

Well, um, yes I did get them off the net, but um, err, at the moment I can't
put my finger on them........ I shall continue to hunt for them and post them
if I do locate them. My sister-in-law got married last saturday and I used some
of those telegram jokes. They were very successful.

One thing that was done, which went down very well, was a joke played on the
groom. The MC mentioned that he had a phone call from the local real estate
agent saying that the groom had given notice on a flat that he had been renting
in town. As the groom was getting married he was settling down and no longer
required the flat. However, there were still a number of keys outstanding, so
if anyone has a key to the flat can they return it. Well, what happens next is
that a number of females from the guests get up and return their keys to the
groom. Needless to say, this was greeted with a lot of amusement (especially
from the bride!). However, the MC then mentioned that there was still one key
outstanding. A fellow then gets up and returns his key to the groom. However,
the guy acted as if he was gay. In this case, the 'gay' guy actually kissed the
groom. That topped it off. This may be an old joke, but I had never seen it
done before.


Mark Paine
BHP Information Technology
Wollongong, NSW

Internet:  wepaim@aistvx.itwol.bhp.com.au 
---
> 
> "Your new wife is like a frying pan - you have to heat her up before you
> can stick the fat in.."
> 
> Mitch.

or how about...

Bride, your legs are like the cemetary gates.  Keep them open because
there's a stiff arriving around midnight.

I heard this one told at a wedding reception once.  It didn't go down
very well!!!
  Andy Wildes
-------------------------------
jaws@pandanus.ntu.edu.au
A genuine quote from a friend of mine who is engaged and as good as
married to his woman.

I remmember the days of being single when I didn't know if I was going
to get it that night or not.
Now I know I'm not!

_______________________________________________________________________________
From u6104701@ucsvc.ucs.unimelb.edu.au
"congratulations, sorry we could not be  there, best wishes from Mr & Mrs 
Farkin and the whole Farkin family"
----

From acjbooks@citr.uq.oz.au (ACJ Books (Chris))
It's a bit particular to my own wedding, but I remember my best man
made one up after the crowd we were hiring the suits from went bust
two days before the day, and we had to make alternate arrangements.
His effort went like:

Best wishes and congratulations. Sorry we couldn't do better with the suits
but the notice was too short.
		Signed: St. Vincent de Paul.

Adapt as you wish!

----
From jason@research.canon.oz.au (Jason Stummer)
This was sent to the bride from the grooms footy/soccer/sport team:

"If you get <insert name of groom here> back to the hotel tonight and 
he doesn't perform, then we hope you'll do what we do......

  ...pull him off at half time."

"It's raining up here at the moment [bride's name] so you're bound to get a 
bit up your way tonight"