From: wolffrnd@starburst.umd.edu (The Wolf Friend)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Re: masochism and death
Date: 24 Jan 1993 09:51:35 GMT
Organization: University of Maryland, Chesapeake Biological Laboratory
NNTP-Posting-Host: starburst.umd.edu

satan@bigwpi.WPI.EDU (Matt Meyer) writes:
>
>i am an intellectual masochist...
>
>i spend too much time working, driving my mind into a mental freny,
>overloading classes, refusing to fail, refusing to blow things off, 
>forcing myself to succeed

This sounds so much like me... or at least the way I used to be. :(  I worked
really hard, received excellent grades... and was so very alone. :(  I've
always been a perfectionist, still am for that matter, but back during my
high school and college days it was mostly academic oriented.  By the end of
the semester I always felt ready to almost literally collapse.

I eventually got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore, at
least not to that degree.  I was so determined not to fail or blow things
off that I don't know what would have happened if other circumstances
hadn't intervened.  Or perhaps I subconsciously *caused* those circumstances
to occur because somewhere deep down my heart understood what logic and
persistence alone couldn't.  At any rate, I finally figured out something
that was even more important to me than academic success, by far; and that
discovery was to take me into realms of emotion and possibilities that I
had scarcely even dreamed existed before.  The change did not occur all
at once, it took some definite time to really begin to solidify.  But once
that happened, all the myriad circumstances surrounding it ensured that
I could never simply go back to the way things were.  I am virtually
a different person compared to what I once was; and many of the changes are 
still in the process of occurring and stabilizing still further.

Now I'm not saying that my life suddenly became perfect all of a sudden.  In
order to make those changes it nearly tore me apart in my case, and ended up
redefining everything I'd ever believed in, even my deepest sense of self. I
went through more pain than I'd ever thought was possible, primarily because
of some early mistakes in judgment I made plus some very bad luck. There were
a lot of factors involved, it was a very complicated situation. But in the
process I also started down the long road of learning to ignore many of
societies' "standard" norms, morals and expectations, and instead follow my
own heart.  And for everything I've been through, all the pain and struggles,
I wouldn't go back or give it up for anything in this world.  Because at least
I am doing what *I* want to, what is most important to *me*, rather than
simply following what others think I *should* do.  *That* is what matters most
now in my mind.  And moreover, I find that the more I follow my heart the
better my life gets; it's when I start doubting myself too much or letting
other's skepticism affect me too deeply that I most often find things starting
to go wrong.  Unfortunately it can still be all too easy to doubt at times...
(an understatement). :(

Nor am I saying that everyone should do what I did, by far; I was just lucky
that what I wanted most out of life (to be a writer, as well as to follow my
heart on some other even more important issues) didn't require a PhD.  If
someone's fondest dream requires a bunch of degrees first then it can be
pretty hard if not impossible to get around that. :(  Nor do I believe that
everyone need go through *NEARLY* so much pain as I did in order to make the
change.  What every person wants or needs is different, and when people come
to me for advice I usually just try to encourage them to do what *their* heart
most tells them.  And if they don't know what that is, or are listening too
much to other's words and to logic rather than their inner feelings, I try to
help them discover it.  I may offer *suggestions*, but those are just that;
only for their general consideration in case they missed an option that might
be beneficial.  The rare times when I directly tell someone what I personally
think they *ought* to do usually tends to be when the person clearly *wants*
to do one thing but for some inadequate reason is trying to talk themselves
into doing something else that they would hate but unjustifiably feel they
must. 

>and when i have a moment of free time i find myself alone and i  
>begin to use this mind of mine to peel away my layers of self  
>respect, agonizing over faults and facets society tells me are wrong

Precisely... I can deeply empathize with this as well, for I have done it so
many times myself too. :(  I don't fit into many of the "expected" categories
of society, and the difference in my attitude, goals and beliefs tends to
elicit either skepticism or outright criticism from those who cannot see
beyond the confines of the walls of their own beliefs.  On one level, I
realize that they simply don't understand, or are unwilling to accept anything
other than what they already know.  But on another level, the sense of
isolation and the feeling that so few people are able to understand or
identify with me combine to create a nagging fear that perhaps they are right
and *I* am wrong.  When that happens, it creates a terrible internal conflict
deep within myself, in which I'm no longer battling just against others but
most of all against *me*.  It is one of the primary reasons I've been through
so much pain as mentioned above.  What I believe in now means more to me than 
life itself, since without it life would be meaningless anyway.

>fuck society, fuck it all, i would secede from this fucking society
>if it were possible - but there isn't an alternate reality
>available

That is pretty much what I have tried to do; create my own "alternate reality"
after a fashion.  I haven't seceded from society exactly, I just refuse to
follow many of its beliefs, interact with the more close-minded of its
inhabitants, or play its games anymore than is legally and feasibly necessary.
Some distasteful kinds of interaction are of course unavoidable.  Nor does
that mean that I avoid all people; in fact I've become more socially oriented
than at anytime previously in my life.  Because now when I interact with
people it's because I really *want* to, and the individuals I choose to
interact with regularly on a friendly basis are the ones I genuinely most like
and respect.  Rather than how it used to be years ago, when I felt I had to
put up with a lot simply because I was afraid I couldn't or wouldn't find
anything better.

>self hate comes so very easy

Urgh... yes, you are oh so right. :( :(  Self hate often (though not always,
by any means) originates when others criticize someone too much for their 
differences... and eventually the displeasure others feel can become 
engrained in that person's sense of self.  When it's mild, it is merely
experienced as insecurity... but when very strong, it can literally turn into
self-hatred.  Some individuals would find it just as hard to hate themselves
as some others find it easy; but once it gets started, it's *DAMN* hard to get
rid of! :(  If one manages to eradicate one tendril of it then three more
may sometimes suddenly grow....  Hatred of those who caused it (either specific
individuals or people in general) can be a natural reaction to the situation
as well.  After all, such people never offered anything but criticism or
hardships in the first place.

>it lurks, disguised as constructive goals..knowing in ewventuallity
>it will lead to personal ruin, and not a person will notice, because

I at least noticed your post...  That's one....

[descriptions of exhausting academic schedule deleted]

>i have a callous on my forehead...its great for cracking open walnuts,
>but thats not how i got it

:(

>and an ex girlfriend who dorve right by without noticing me 

:( :(

>and a female
>friend who tells me i am more than deserving of a wonderful woman, but ...
>but... i am at WPI, women? what women? where?  wait there goes one (i think)

Yeah... I've heard a few strange things about WPI, my (long ago) closest
childhood friend got her undergrad degree there.  Except she had a
great time because she had so many guys to choose from and almost no
competition....

>so i gues i am just bitching anf moaning and you don't need to hear it

I don't mind at all... that is one of the things a.s.h is for...

>blessed are the happily ignorant...

Many of the ignorant are actually unhappy as well... they are just so out-
of-touch with their feelings that they are better at deceiving themselves into
at least *THINKING* they are happy, and pretending to get joy out of their
otherwise meaningless lives.  That's one reason so many people have mid-life
crisises, I suspect... because it finally hits them that they really haven't
accomplished anything after all, and really *aren't* as happy as they thought.
Which is not to say there aren't plenty of *genuinely* happy ignorants, just 
not nearly so many as I suspect some people think....  (And of course
mid-life crises can be caused by *many* reasons, this is definitely not to
imply that everyone who is going through a mid-life crisis is therefore
ignorant!)

>they should have know something was wrong when i was born with the
>
>   embilical cord wrapped around my neck three times...

Bleah. :(

>-satan

--------
Kathleen                                    Wolffriend@Kavishar.umd.edu

Shadow wolves hunt shadow prey, in silent packs which slip through the night
like a soft breeze amongst a pine forest.  Their howls are the silent realm
of fear, their fangs are self-doubt and confusion.  They seek only the unwary,
the disillusioned, the hopeless... for to a mind at peace, their passing is
only moonshadows in the dark.
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