From: marek@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Marek Lugowski)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
Subject: Blistering Flame on How Not to Write / Marek (Re: ** How can any man)
Date: 6 Nov 92 23:30:05 GMT
Article-I.D.: news.1992Nov6.233005.16027
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.

jjimenez@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Joel A Jimenez) writes:

I assume from the context that the subject of this poem is a woman but if
it is, oh, a sheep or an inanimate object, the comments sitll apply.

>
>   How can any man,
>   Least of all me,
>   Ever approach your beauty?

Unless the beauty is a highly radioactive Cerenkov radiation-emitting pile
of nuclear waste (ever seen the cool blue glow at the bottom of a high flux
nuclear reactor sitting in a deep pool of water?), this rhethorical
question is devoid of meaning.  Alternative reading, that of men not being
beautiful, is highly offensive.  Even I, a confirmed woman-lover, admit
that men approach beauty, sometimes even charm.  Lastly, you should not be
so self-deprecating in the first stanza lest the reader think you are
mocking him or her.  A mocked reader might not read the second stanza, and
so on.

>   I gaze upon fair,
>   Heavenly eyes and,
>   My thoughts are lost within them.

I would wager, oh, $2 that the use of "gaze", "fair", "heavenly" and
the phrase "my thoughts are lost within them" when taken together signal
a profound lack of thought, at least poetically speaking.  This is tripe
fit for commercial use in food products.  Also, for precision's sake,
how can one gaze upon something while penetrating it with (nonexistent)
something else.  Even Quantum Mechanics models of poetry shrug at this
muddied, nondescript, unthought through characterization.  Besides, I
plainly do not believe you.  I think it is the curve of her ass, the sheen
of her ponytail, the sway of her walk, and the mystery of not seeing her
naked that lose your thoughts, whenver you have them, that is.  Let's not
hide in the eyes because it is socially acceptable to write about them.

>   If you only knew,
>   How much I desire,
>   To hold you within my arms,

I think she would question your veracity and accuse you of speaking in
cliches.  Perhaps what you really mean here that you would like to
penetrate her, kiss her in more places than I can list in this paragraph,
and possibly toy with her hair and talk with her quietly before, during and
after fucking.  Now.  Holding within arms is not by itself a bad deal, but
you do get hugged every time you greet friends and say goodbye to them,
don't you?  Well, if you don't, start.  Maybe this will give you a level
perspective on holding in arms.

>   How much I desire,
>   To share your every
>   Thought, your every need, your soul.

I think this is the worst lie of all, probably another thoughtlessness.
You don't want to share her thoughts when she is defacating and having a
hard time of it.  These are private thoughts and she wants to keep them all
to herself.  Please get the fuck out of her mind for moments like that.  It
is very selfish to want to envelop someone totally.  I think it leads to
domestic violence and other suffering.

Hope this helps.

>                      - Joel A. Jimenez
>                          11/5/92
>
>C&C please.  jjimenez@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu

				-- Marek
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems