From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: Hi. Uhhh, I have a question...
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 21:41:05 GMT

In article <40785@sdcc12.ucsd.edu> ph2sct@sdcc14.ucsd.edu (Dzu Nguyen) writes:
>In article <moonbeam.721112254@du248-13.cc.iastate.edu> moonbeam@iastate.edu (Timothy J Cockerham) writes:
>>How does one overcome shyness? I would like to meet girls, but I just seem
>>to close up whenever the chance arrives. I need suggestions please.
>>Thanks.
>>Please send me e-mail. 
>
> that's a good question and one i would also like the answer to. is
>it a result of confidence or something else? i'd like some feedback
>as well.
>thanks for your time
>
>Dzu (ph2sct@sdcc14.ucsd.edu)
>
>p.s. or you can post it here...i'me sure there are other people
>wondering the same thing
>

This is a complicated subject, but I will try to keep it simple. 

Most people think that they are more shy than others. Clearly,
most people can't be more shy than most people, but almost everyone you
meet will feel a little shy about meeting you. If people are cool to
you when you first meet them, it is usually because they are shy.

Shyness is about self-consciousness. Your mind can only do so
much at once, and if you are focusing on yourself, you cannot also be
paying attention to others. And if you are not paying attention to
others, you are not going to pleasant to others. Usually shyness feeds
on itself, because as we pay attention to ourselves (thinking we can
avoid doing things that embarrass us), we find more things to worry
about.

There are no tricks to becoming less shy, but you can teach yourself
to be less shy. The more you practice, the less you will think of 
yourself as shy, and the easier it will get. 

First, assume the other person is shy. This is almost always true, and
won't hurt if it isn't. Take the initiative. For instance, don't wait
for someone to start talking to you, introduce yourself.  People are
usually relieved when you take the initiative. In those rare cases when
they are not pleased, you know you did your best to be friendly, so the
problem must be with them. Either way, you avoid feeling shy because
you are doing something, and focusing on something outside yourself.
In keeping with the idea that the other person is shy, try to smile
and project an open and accepting attitude.

Second, focus on the situation around you. You have to give up worrying
about what impression you are making. You will create a much better 
impression by being engaged than by saying something clever. If you 
have to start talking on a new topic, talk about something about the
immediate situation. Try to make it positive. If you speak in negative
terms, people you do not know will tend to worry that you will be talking
negatively about them next.

When you are speaking to one person, rather than a group, focus on that 
person. Listen, and ask questions to draw the person out. Offer little
facts from your own experience that fit in with whatever the other person
is talking about, but keep it short so the other person is not distracted 
from talking about himself or herself. People love to talk about themselves,
and if you can convince them that you are interested in hearing what they
have to say, they will talk. 

Make a point to be sociable with all the people you meet, not just the
ones that you think you would like to know. You need all the practice
you can stand. Also, you will find it is easier to avoid shyness with
people that you don't care about, because you won't care as much if
things don't go well.

Now, it may sound like all this focusing on the other person will mean
that others won't get any impression of you at all, but this is not
true. The more comfortable people are with you, the more attention they
will give to you. And you really don't have to be conscious about what
you are doing to make an impression. Your body language and your
reactions to the other person and what you are talking about will be
giving the other person lots of information about who you are.
Certainly a lot more than if you were sitting in the corner avoiding
them.

As for girls, you may find it harder to avoid shyness around them
because you want to impress them more. Again, wanting to make a good
impression can lead to being self-conscious. You need to focus on the
situation and the other person, not on making a good impression. Again,
try to be sociable with all the girls you meet, not just the ones that
you want to impress, or the ones that are trying to be friendly with you. 
This is especially important if you are shy with all girls, because you
haven't had sisters or female friends that you were close with.

Don't be in too much of a rush to ask a girl out. A common mistake is
to ask a girl out early on to find out if she is interested in you. The
problem with this is that if she is just a little interested, you may
scare her off, and so insure she never develops a real interest in
you.  If you can keep getting better aquainted with the girl without
asking her out, then it is better to wait until you are fairly sure
that the girl will accept. As you get to know her better, shyness
should be less of a problem for both of you.

If you don't think you will see the girl again unless you ask her out,
don't ask her out on the spot, but instead get her phone number. If you
ask her out on the spot, she may say no (for any number of reasons
unrelated to her opinion of you) and then you may lose contact with
her.  Ask her if she would like together sometime, without mentioning
any specifics, and if she says yes, ask for her phone. 

When you do ask a girl out, have a plan for the for the date, and give
the girl an idea what you are planning before asking if she wants to do
it.  It is OK to change the plan at her suggestion, but you want to
allow her to turn down the date without feeling like she is rejecting
you. The more you make her feel like she is accepting or rejecting you,
instead of the date, the more pressure she will feel, and the more
likely she will be to turn you down.

Good Luck,
Michael.