From: anon-1422@twwells.com (Adrift)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: first posting
Date: 20 Nov 92 14:31:48 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

I'm not an SA survivor myself, although I did suffer some physical
abuse from my stepfather and a degree of emotional neglect from my
mother.  My wife is however an SA survivor, and I just don't know
how much longer I can stay.

I don't know if the following is a spoiler, but I'll play it safe:


We've been married for 9 years and have 3 children, a boy from her 1st
marriage, and a boy and a girl from ours.  Our marriage seemed fine
for the first 3-4 years (I'm speaking from my perspective, and as
much as I know from hers).  She had an affair about 3 years ago, we
talked it out and decided to try to work things out, so we began
counselling.  It soon became apparent that most of our problems came
from baggage she was carrying, so she attends weekly sessions and I
go in for a separate monthly session.

She does not have many direct memories, but she looks at me and sees
[someone who might be an as yet unremembered abuser].  Nearly 2 years
ago, she stopped having sex with me for that reason (and the preceding
year we only had sex about 3 times).  About a year and a half ago she
suggested an open marriage - she could see who she wanted, and I could
do the same.  I declined at the time, because I thought she might have
been trying to simply exchange that for the affair she had.  She repeated
the suggestion a little over a year ago, and convinced me she was
sincere.  I've accepted it, with some feeling of guilt because I had
begun to flirt with other women, although not with any real intent of
letting it go further.  It's not a very satisfying solution - I won't
mess up someone else's marriage by going after a married woman, and
not too many single women are interested in a married man, even if
they're willing to find out what the situation is.  I can't even
hug my wife, I can hardly even touch her.  If I brush up against her
in my sleep, she goes downstairs and sleeps on the couch.  I feel
lonely and frustrated.  It's not even that she's sexually shut off -
she tells me about men she feels turned on by (and I tell her about
women I'm interested in).  It's all very open and civil, but sometimes
it really hurts.  I keep letting her know that I still want her, and
want the marriage to work, but she says she doesn't really believe she'll
ever be able to have a sexual relationship with me.  On the other hand,
neither of us wants to end the marriage, particularly for the kids' sake.
The cynical side of me thinks she's only staying because she doesn't
make enough money to support herself, and as soon as she gets a better
job or someone else to take care of her, she'll be history.

I've tried to be as supportive as I can through all this, but lately
I hurt all the time.  I'm almost in tears right now, and I'm not
someone who can cry easily.  I don't know what I'm looking for,
advice or a sympathetic ear (eye?), or maybe even just someone else
who's in a similar situation to tell me I'm not alone in this.

Thanks for "listening".



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