From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Crisis, Part 2  ***BIGGER SPOILER WARNING***
Date: 2 Oct 92 09:50:47 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

***BIG-TIME SPOILER WARNING***

Contains: Suicidal thoughts, handguns, thank-yous, and then updates...

(The updates are after the letter to keep things cronological.  I'm glad I
ended up writing everything down, so I can just type in what I handwrote, and
not have to worry about painting an accurate picture of what my mindset was... 
But I am still on the crisis point...)

A couple of days ago at work I sat down and started writing a letter.  I didn't
know to who, and it's about to follow...

I'm taking a big risk in posting this...  A friend told me that this is enough
to get her locked up...  (She was put in institutions against her will 3
times.)  And if it should get to my boss, I'm fucked as well...  Don't let me
down...  PLEASE!

Note:  The lyrics at the end of the letter were written by me in 1988.  That's
how long I've been dealing with the idea of suicide...

-----

I don't know who I'm writing this to, or why, but I feel I must write.  Spoken
words lack so much meaning.

(Light cigerette, puff puff -- much better)

Help.  I'm going crazy.  I just put a laoded handgun in my mouth.  Just to see
what it was like.  It was tempting to just pull the trigger, but not yet.  I
knew the dangers of just doing it, in case of an accident.  I don't/didn't
care.

Darlene,  I know that this must be making you crazy and/or guilty, if I end up
giving this to you.  That is wrong.  The sickness has been in my head before I
met you.  The crush I've had on you was basically irrevelant.  I have these
emotions bottled up in me to the point of pain in my chest/breast.  I would
have had this reaction regardless of you.  I'm comming to you as a friend in
pain.  Not looking for a lover.  Merely the love that is between friends. 
S'okay?

To anyone, I'm sick.  This imipramine I'm on is only barely helping.  It blocks
out depressions that have gone stale, and aren't that painful, but that's all. 
I need to get that blood test and reschedule with Dr. Kayton.

Pat, I've tried to give you copies of this shit last time I was in to see you,
but couldn't.  I've been wanting to bring this topic of "love addiction" (as a
friend who is a counciler put it) for a while now.  I just haven't been able to
bring this topic/pain up.

All ASAR's, thanks a million for being there when I've needed you,  You've been
a big help.  Given what just happened, I guess maybe I should go back to daily
posting again, to say I'm still alove, or maybe not.  I dunno anymore. 
Opnions?  Comments?  Suggestions?  Death-Threats?  :)

[Ed Note:  This is an honest question that I'd like someone to answer... 
Should I go back to the daily posting?]

Shit.  There seems to be so much else I need to write.  I don't know what
though.  Maybe it'll come later.  Now I'm going out to smoke more, and curl up
into a fetal ball.  This seems to be a common activity as of late...

Later -- I deserve to die. I'm just fucked up and bringing others down with me
when I turn to them for help.  And on ASAR, it really doesn't matter.  No one
would miss me if I were to go bye-bye.  Sad at first, but that would pass  very
quickly.  As Poohbear said, it's the nature of the net.

I would take my life now, but I don't know how I could do that without making
life harded for everyone else.  I owe too much $ to my family, someone would
run across the body and have to deal with that.  If I killed myself on the job
now, with the handgun I have available it would look really bad for the
company.  Dan is too nice of a guy for me to do that to.  I'd request to be
pulled from the site, but I'd have to explain why.  And he wouldn't give the
promotion to me, if he knew how fucked up I was.  Can't afforf to have a
suicidal supervisor!  ;\

I just want to say goodbye without causing pain unto others, to fade away into
the past peacefully.  To be free to die.  (And if I fail, I get jail.  Laws
against suicide ya'know...)  But it can't be like that.  It would be to easy to
fit into reality.  Damned if I know what the fuck I'll do.


Fuck this life 'cause ya gotta get on with the show
(I say of) Fuck this life, 'cause ya gotta get on with the show.
Screw the teachers,
Fuck the pets,
Damn the chances,
Circumstance,
End it all and all will be done.

I wish remembered the 2nd verse.

Damnit, how can I end this pain?!?

----------------------------------

End of letter.

The next day (according to the calander.  I hadn't gone to bed yet) I stopped
by the Amoco where Darlene works to say "Hi.", and joined her behind the
bullet-proof glass...

I asked if it was okay to use her shoulder to lean on, as a friend in a lot of
pain.  (Sure.)  So I handed her the first letter.  (Last message)

She responded with a "I do love you, but..." (Look that meant but I'm with
someone else right now.  If I end up dumping him, you'll be the first to know.
You drive me crazy too!)

I said "I understand." (and gave a look saying "Yeah, I know....")

(The looks had such deep meaning because we'd covered this ground before, if
not in those exact "words"...)

And then I handed her the 2nd letter.

She was crying and threw her arms around me saying "You aren't free to die. 
You don't have my permission!  I've already had one friend kill himself, and I
couldn't deal with another..."

And we talked in that vain for a while, which really helped me.  I was able to
shed the first tears of pain in about a year, even though I've felt that I
needed to before...  The friendship is definately based on a strong friendship,
with a few different overtones.  Now I have to learn to control myself.  Again.

And damnit, I'm still too damn close to the edge.  I don't think I'm going to
kill myself, but that doesn't mean much...  I usually don't think before I
start to take some kind of action to end my life.

I'm not in pain because of her.  I've been building this big well of emotion
for years now.  It's just been building.  She was in in the right (wrong?)
place at the right (wrong?) time to trigger the well, and it started flowing in
her direction.

Now I have to deal with the well, and she is willing to help me.  I've never
had someone who would be there who instinctively did what I needed.  She'll be
able to help a hell of a lot in this healing process, because I can enter into
the well to learn to cope with her help.  And she understands.  More than I do.
 I'm glad we're able to be friends, and at this point, still be able to open
ourselves up that far, and it's OKAY.  We can accept each other without
difficulty, including the warts...

Hell, I'm beggining to bable beyond the point of reason, so I'll end here...

+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     |NOTICE: Your Milage May Vary|   Suite 246             !
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |   Wheaton, Il 60187     !
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|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
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