From: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz (not a blue thing)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
Subject: Best Lines In Red Dwarf File
Date: 15 Oct 1992 09:47:55 GMT
Organization: Wellington City Council (Public Access), Wgtn, Nz
Reply-To: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
NNTP-Posting-Host: kosmos.wcc.govt.nz

OK, here's another edition.  No flames please, I for one get pissed off at the
flames when I am just trying to do something useful, and secondly they usually
repeat themselves.  EMAIL me with corrections/additions (I would _really_ like
the second).
        Another thing - if anyone has scripts, could they mail me them?  I know
there are some floating around somewhere - I have one, RD Series V Episode VI.
One day, hopefully, this file will become extinct when everyone has all the
scripts (and I really expect that day to come anytime soon :)
        If you see any entries that are just markers (ie the conversation...)
for chrissake do something about it, rather than complaining.  They're only in
there in the vain hope that someone will!
        Self reminder about project for the future - mark these with episode
code and sort the bally thing.  Hmmm - might want to reformat the entrys to
'fortune' too - anyone got a Unix script thingy for Dos?
        Lastly - thankyou to /everyone/ who has entries in this file - I no
longer can keep track of you all, but thanks anyway.
        - Smrf (not a blue thing)


===============================================================================
THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE
(compiled from the 'Best lines in Red Dwarf' thread in alt.tv.red-dwarf)
===============================================================================

%%
From 'Balance of Power':
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "Fish!"
Computer: "Today's fish is trout allagrete. Enjoy your meal!"
Cat: "I will!"
%%
From 'The End':
Lister: 'You see I try and respect Rimmer sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by
        nature.  I try and respect and everything, but it's not easy because
        he's such a smeghead.'
Rimmer: 'Did you hear that sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'
Todhunter:      'Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.'
%%
From 'The End':
'You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have?'
        - Lister to Rimmer
%%
From 'The End':
Petersen:       'Have you seen Rimmer's arm?'
Chen:           'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!'
%%
From 'Parallel Universe':
Lister: 'Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?'
Rimmer: 'I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.'
%%
From 'Parallel Universe':
'That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.'
        - Lister to his female counterpart
%%
From 'Queeg':
'I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer
camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.  And in the middle
of the night I was woken up by this really wierd noise.  She didn't think men
were better than machines.'
        - Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
%%
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.'
Lister: 'Well wear the smegging gloves.'
Cat:    '(picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Lister: 'Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast.  One pea.  I
        tell you I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to cut the pea, it rolls
        away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked.'
Rimmer: 'He's just doing this to destroy your morale.'
Lister: 'Is he.  Well.  I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if
        it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is,
        it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what!'
Rimmer: 'It flew off into your dirty sock basket.'
Lister: 'I'll just have the toast.'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
        emerging.  Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
        Holly).'
Holly:  '(winks back) Thanks Cat.'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Holly:  'We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool.  Yes, that's
        right, I am Queeg.'
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    'WHAT!!!!!!'
%%
From 'Timeslides':
Rimmer: 'Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm 
ALIVE!!!!!' (just before he explodes)
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'That's mine, that's mine, that's mine, someone else can have that piece of
floor, that's mine, and that's mine.  Oooh, I made a lot of things mine, all
I need now is a woman.' - Cat
OR
"This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
 except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
 is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
 slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
 to see if I can't have sex with something!"
%%
The whole conversation in 'Camille' when Rimmer & Kryten are 
discussing how cute Camille is.
%%
From 'Camille':
Kryten: 'She looks like your cousin?  What happened, was she in some 
	kind of horrible accident?'
Rimmer: 'What, Janine?  No, she was a model!'
Kryten: 'What did she model, spark plugs?'
%%
Kryton to Camille... (in 'Camille')
'You'll like them.... Well some of them.... Well one of them..... Maybe....'
%%
From 'Camille':
'Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd' - Kryten
%%
From 'Camille':
'He's got droid rot, He's waving a banana in front of my face and calling it an
aardvark.' - Rimmer
%%
From 'Dimension Jump':
'Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast' - Ace Rimmer
%%
In 'The Last Day'
'Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment
factor - 91%.  Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night!'
- Kryten
%%
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: 'We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can someone
	explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?'
Cat:    'Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
        policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!'
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'You ! How did you get into art college ?'
Lister: 'The same way you always get into art college.  The same old usual
        boring normal way you get in.  I failed my exams
	and applied....they snapped me up!'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'A superlative suggestion sir, with only two flaws: one, we don't have any
defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that,
technically, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big one I thought I'd
mention it twice'  -    Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that they
                        drop the defensive shields)
%%
From 'Stasis Leak': 
Holly:  Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia
        Newton John.'
Lister: Why?
Holly:  Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia 
	Newton-John.
%%
[Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf]
Holly:  'Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Last longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk."
Lister: 'Why's that?'
Holly:  'No bugger will drink it!'
%%
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister electrocuted ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, it should be the yellow cable.'
%%
From 'Me^2':
Holly:  Busy Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah.  I am actually.
Holly:  Oh, then you won't want to know about the two supra-light
        speed fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What!?
Holly:  I'll leave you to your bubble blowing mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come, come on.
Holly:  They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly:  They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly:  The North West Electricity Board.  They want you Dave.
Lister: Me?  Why?  What for?
Holly:  For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: Me what!?
Holly:  It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you
        left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your
        kitchen.
Lister: I did?
Holly:  You know what happens to sausages left unattended for
        three million years?
Lister: Yeah.  They go moldy.
Holly:  Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
        surface.  Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a
        bank account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own
        ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth.  But since
        you've hoarded it for three million years nobodies got any
        money except you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly:  You left a light on in the bathroom.  So the final demand
        is for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds?  You're kidding!
Holly:  April fools.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly:  Yeah, I know.  But I can't wait six months with a red-hot
        jape like that one on the burner.
%%
From 'Me^2':
'Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.'
%%
From 'Better Than Life':
Rimmer: 'The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.'
Lister: 'Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and that lemon meringue
        pie, man, what was in that?'
Rimmer: 'I thought you liked that - you brought some back.'
Lister: 'Yea, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!' - Cat
%%
From 'Queeg':
'You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican' - Rimmer
%%
'Lister, if two people came to you  for a job, and one of them's dead, which
one would you choose?' - Rimmer
%%
From 'Camille':
'The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.' 
	- Kryten to Camille
%%
From 'White Hole':
'I'm not pished.' - Lister, asserting he wasn't drunk
%%
'Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.' - Cat, ordering dinner
%%
From 'Kryten':
'My god!  But I was only away two minutes!'
        - Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
%%
From 'DNA':
'Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.'
	- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
%%
From 'The Last Day':
'Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?'
	- Rimmer to Kryten
%%
The dialogue that begins in RD IV, D.N.A. when Kryten says to Lister 
'I'd like to talk to you about my penis.'
%%
From 'D.N.A.'
'No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid.'
        - Lister
%%
From 'The End'
Holly: 'Well she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now ... not
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with'
%%
Cat (after coming out of the closet): 'He won't find that one, not until he 
changes his boots.' (sees Lister, covers his face): `Did you see him clearly?
Did you get a good look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade?' I don't
think so -- that could have been anybody!"
%%
From 'Dimension Jump':
'If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.'
%%
Convict: No weapons?
Lister:  No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister:  So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
	 of the gun)
Lister:  (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that.
A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.
OR
   "You have no weapons?"
   "No.  Do you?"
   "No."
 
   Then the Simulant says something like "Guess what," but my mind is blank
   as to what precisely it is.
 
   "But I lied twice."
   "I didn't think of that."
%%
From 'Dimension Jump': 'Sorry Bongo but lunch is on Millee'
%%
From '[Somewhere within Series IV]':
'Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska!' - Kryten
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!' - Holly
%%
From 'Polymorph':
'You forgot Rimmer's Rule:  Never fight anything with more teeth than 
the entire Osmond family'
%%
'This isn't a meal, this is an autopsy!' - Cat
%%
From 'Future Echoes':
'It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an 
event that could will have been taken place in the future.'
%%
From 'Confidence & Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: 'No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our
        tongues to clean our own genitals.'
%%
From 'Better than life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say....
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer (suprised):      What?!  This isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No, it's mine.
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  `Hel'.  They do
        it beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it?  They do it twice -- two --
        `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'!"
Cat:    'I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
        speech!'
%%
'Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to
perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!' - Lister
%%
From 'Stasis Leak':
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand 
		still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
		whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal 
		laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
%%
From 'Kryten':
`Mr Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; or
`Dinosaur breathe'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be really
mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- on those rare
and exceptional  circumstances, you can call him Arsehole.' - Lister to Kryten
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: 'I killed him, cha cha cha.'
Lister:     'What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?'
%%
From 'Better than life':
'I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm 
going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' - Cat
%%
From 'Justice':
'My god, his head burst!' - Cat
%%
From 'DNA':
Kryten: 'The question is, how do we turn him back?'
Rimmer: 'No, the question is, do we want to?' 
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
%%
From 'White Hole':
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is also infinite...
would you like a toasted tea cake?' - Talkie Toaster
%%
Rimmer: 'You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
	you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic
	and you're self-obssessed.'
Cat:    'Hey, you just listed all my best features!'
%%
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: 'I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever
        been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside to have
        to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.'
Kryten: 'You didn't find it uplifting?'
......
Cat:    'Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that stuff
        about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it went B&W and
        I fell asleep.'
Kryten: 'But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and
_doesn't_ go into show business?'
        - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
%%
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: 'They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!'
Cat:    'Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back.'
%%
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'What do you do when you want to have sex?'
Rimmer: 'We ... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid..'
%%
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'It was...different'
Rimmer: 'Different?'
Nirvana:'You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_ many
        courses.'
......
Nirvana:'We usually talk.'
Rimmer: 'What do you talk about?'
Nirvana:'Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...'
Rimmer: 'I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything, apart
        from `Geronimo'.
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally wierd, stuck up
megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them?  What am I saying?
Bon Voyage.' - Lister
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a
society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman twice
daily, on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit
tacky? .... well, quite clearly I am.' - Kryten
%%
From 'Holoship':
'You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us
now.  To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science teachers.'
        - Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants.
%%
From 'Holoship':
Woman:  'I'd just like to get 1 thing clear in my mind.  This is an opportunity
        to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew ... and the
        crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derelict
        spaceships, playing poker, and eating curries?'
Lister: 'We don't exactly do much salvaging.'
Woman:  'But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries?'
Kryten: 'We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean.  In fact, I
        distinctly remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.  Remember?
        And you didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he
        just yummed it up!'
Woman:  'And the all night poker sessions.  Is it always _strip_ poker?'
Lister: 'It all depends on how drunk we are.'
Cat:    'Or how much curry he's had.'
Woman:  'So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?'
Lister: 'Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
        Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in
        theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept?'
Woman:  'No.  No, I think I'm better where I am.'
Cat:    'But you're dead!'
Woman:  'Exactly, and meeting you guys has really make me appreciate it a whole
        lot more.'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people
I met.' - Rimmer, making his goodbyes.
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart - we'll just won't be together.
[pause] I cannot believe I just said that.' - Rimmer, talking about Nirvana
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamennon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill
        to parchment.'
Lister: 'Yeah, its the comic book version.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.'
Rimmer: 'We're in big trouble.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Rimmer: 'Why did no one mention this before.  If I had been told about this at
        the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I
        could have done something about it.  All those charity telethons that I
        pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them _my_ credit card
        number.
Kryten: 'Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary
        worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.'
Rimmer: 'Oh god.'
Kryten: 'Make a contribution.'
Rimmer: 'Oh God.'
Kryten: 'No matter how small.'
Rimmer: 'Oh GOD.'
Kryten: 'You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally
        egocentric, self centered, and self serving.'
Rimmer: 'You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Inquisitor:     'Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge
                shall be ... yourself.'
Rimmer:         'Oh SMEG.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
All the dialogues that the characters have with themselves, justifying themself.
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a great
ass.' - Cat, justifying himself.
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is
        the time to tell me about it.'
Kryten: 'No plan sir.  No sleeves.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'We used to be your shipmates.'
Rimmer: 'Only - we've forgotten you.'
Lister: 'Yeah.'
Rimmer: 'Well, I don't know about you - but I'm convinced.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people committed
suicide!' - Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?'
        - Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Nyaa.  It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick..'
        - Lister
%%
From 'Terrorform':
'Kryten personal black box recording.  Time unknown.  Location unknown.  Cause
of accident unknown.  Should someone find this recording it will shed light as
to what happened here.  My short term memory has been erased.  This I
ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine.  Secondly, due
to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short term memory appears to have
been erased.  This, combined with the erasure of my short term memory, has left
me a little disoriented.' - Kryten
%%
From 'Terrorform':
(typed, spelling errors are intentional)
Lister: 'Help.  Something is crawling up my leg.  I think it's a taranshula.'
Cat:    '(You're playing that dumb adventure game!)'
Lister: 'It's in my boxers.  I think it's making a nest.'
Cat:    '(Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard - that's what I
        usually do.)'
Lister: 'I'm SERIOUS.'
Cat:    'It has an eye the size of a meatball.'
Lister: 'Kill it.'
Cat:    'How?'
Lister: 'I can't think straight.  I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of
        a meatball setting up home in my joy department.  Help me.'
Cat:    'I'm scared'
Lister: 'YOU'RE scared?  How d'you think I feel?'
Cat:    'You haven't SEEN it!'
Lister: 'The lower half of my body has gone numb.'
Cat:    'That's probably for the best.'
Lister: 'It's moving.  Oh *#%^**!!!!'
Hand:   'Hello.  Kryten in danger.  No time to explain.  Follow.'
%%
From 'Terrorform':
'Sir - a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified service
engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee.
Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.'
        - Kryten
%%
From 'Terrorform':
'Look I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but I demand my right to a
phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop you.  I thought the threat of legal
action would have you running for cover.'
......
'Is this the British embassy?  Does this look even the remotest _bit_ like the
British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I am doing here and I want
to know now.'
......
'Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running around in
black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes.  Thank God you're here.
You know I really thought that I was in horrible danger. [Rip] Is it just me or
has it suddenly become rather hot in here?'
......
'I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my name and
number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people are or what you think you're
playing at, but I'm not going to give you anything else.  You can oil me all you
like, you can use your tounges and your full senusual lips to caress my erogenous
zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but I will tell you know, this nuts not
for cracking.  However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you
absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, so be
it.  Just have a large quatro formagio pizza with extra olives ready at the end.
Ahh - where are you going?  What are you doing?  My God, are you going to take a
flying leap?'
Woman:  'We are going to summon the master.'
'The master?'
Woman:  'You have been prepared for him.'
'This master character - and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full
answer to this one - but why does he want me oiling in particulary?  Obviously
whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?'
Woman:  'He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.'
'Not the best news, but it could have been worse.'
%%
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: 'Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless?'
Frogs:  'Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless.'
Cat:    'Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck!  And it's
        got a human face!'
Lister: 'It's Rimmer's mum!'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    'Wait a minute, I've got it, they have swam south for the winter.'
Kryten: 'That's birds sir.'
Cat:    'Birds 'swim' south for the winter !?!?! How do they breathee?'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?'
        - Lister, when they discover the suicides
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'Hang five guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed
suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind
of link here I can't quite grasp and the fish committed suicide.  There's some
kind of a link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.' - Cat
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen before
        attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form. It secretes a
        venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucenogenic which disfunctions its
        prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew members, and even that
        fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated.
        It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience
        (bursts into tears) moments of despair and anguish.'
Rimmer: 'What about Lister and the Cat?'
Lister: 'I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.
Cat:    'What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing
        Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? I mean you
        guys just fall apart (crying).'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm not going to take any
        crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around lets
        establish whether I am the type of guy who doesn't mind being ordered
        around or whether I get all up tight by being ordered about by whatever
        type of guy you are. CLEAR !!'
......
Kryten: 'Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like the sound of that. That
        sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at
        City Hall don't like it, well they can park their overpaid fat asses
        on this middle digit and swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on
        a honeymoon.
Rimmer: 'On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is
        in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly
        macho name.'
......
Kryten: 'Bullet. Cybernautics.'
Cop:    'That's traffic control.'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: 'Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the
        the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of
        corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife
        will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up
        petty crime to cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he
        knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it
        goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobbly
        hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it hits him. With all
        his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in a computer game and wait
        until the heat is off. And so it ends, the Ballard of Billy 'Granny
        Killer' Doyle.'
Lister: '(To Rimmer) It's yours.'
Rimmer: 'What?!'
Lister: 'It's yours.... Bill.'
Rimmer: 'No.'
Lister: 'Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.'
Rimmer: 'William Doyle. 'William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a
        hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old
        money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back
        to me now.'
Lister: 'What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly good
        breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly male Yak has
        taken a leak in both pockets.'
Rimmer: 'Well isn't it obvious.'
Kryten: 'No it isn't.'
Rimmer: 'OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a
mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam human
wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine. And now my best flashing
mac' is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you with the
gun.' - Rimmer
%%
From 'DNA':
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiles a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head close to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head . . . closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well what about other optical effects like split
        screen, slow motion, quantel?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them?  Just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well now, that's
        fine, that's great.  No, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid the right nipple nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up short wave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I
        can't seem to pick up jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that Kryten.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have discovered what I believe to be the
        recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't
        appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have
        to use some kind of special adapter, because, no matter what I
        do, the lead keeps falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat, we sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject.  Not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in
        polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out man.
Kryten: Well, I wanted to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone streight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we talk about our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What?  Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Wuhw, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous.  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said `Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last chicken in the shop look'?  Shakespear had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular sir.  I was just idlely flicking
        through an electrical appliance catalog.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuume cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see man, you're neither one nor the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuume cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favor man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sadack mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a jopke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks under own hospital gown]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff, my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Enter lister]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is decline politely.
%%
From 'Camille':
'It's the old, old story:
        Droid meets Droid,
	Droid becomes Chameleon,
	Droid loses Chameleon,
	Chameleon turns into Blob,
	Droid gets Blob back again,
	Blob meets Blob,
	Blob goes off with Blob,
	and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.
How many times have we seen that story!?'
        - Kryten
%%
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
'(Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this 
newsgroup?)'


AN EPISODE GUIDE TO HELP IN PLACING THESE THINGS (IF ANYONE WANTS TO HELP?)

Series One:
The End                 (Show begins)
Future Echoes           (Stuff from future)
Balance of Power        (Lister tries to be a chef)
Waiting for God         (Lots of Cat stuff here)
Confidence & Paranoia   (Lister hallucinates 2 people)
Me^2 (Me Sqaured)       (There are two Rimmers)

Series Two:
Kryten                  (We first meet Kryten)
Better Than Life        (Videogame that's 'Better Than Life')
Thanks 4 The Memory     (Lister Gives Rimmer some of his memory)
Stasis Leak             (The crew goes back in time in the ship)
Queeg                   (Holly loses the ship to another computer)
Parallel Universe       (We meet female versions of the crew)

Series Three:  (Kryten joins crew as regular)
Backwards       (Crew goes to Earth, and everything is backwards)
Marooned        (Lister & Rimmer are marooned on an ice planet)
Polymorph       (Shapeshifter than can drain emotions)
Body Swap       (Lister & Rimmer change minds)
Timeslides      (Lister becomes the richest person ever)
The Last Day    (Kryten's replacement arrives)

Series Four:
Camille         (Kryten falls in love with another android)
D.N.A.          (A DNA changing machine is found)
Justice         (Crew finds a pod with a killer in it)
White Hole      (Return of Toaster; Time changing story)
Dimension Jump  (Ace Rimmer appears.   Excellent Episode)
Meltdown        (Crew lands on a waxwork world)

Series Five:
Holoship        (Rimmer tries to get on a hologram ship)
The Inquisitor  (Crew must prove worthy people or die)
Terrorform      (Crew explores inside Rimmer's mind)
Quarantine      (Rimmer holds the crew in quarantine)
Demons & Angels (We meet good and bad versions of crew)
Back to Reality (The crew get different personalities)

================================================================================
Smrf | ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz,   ph. +64 (04) 4757904
     | NZ MOT Licence - BR703756/1      68 Kelburn Parade Wellington 6005 NZ
================================================================================
:) '4 chickens, a coke and some dry white toast please.' - The Blues Brothers :)
:) 'It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an :)
:)  event that could will have been taken place in the future.' - Red Dwarf   :)