From: a.norrish@trl.oz.au (Reg Trademark)
Subject: Wild Summer, Wow!
Organization: Telecom Research Laboratories
Distribution: aus
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 02:54:22 GMT

Well I trooped off to the Carousel Restaurant Bar to see Tommy 
Emmanuel on Saturday night. They wouldn't let me in though because they said 
I didn't have (a) a tie, (b) a ticket or (c) a clue. (It turns out Tommy was 
playing on Sunday night.) I couldn't go back on Sunday because I had band 
practice. (I'm a backup singer for a SAW tribute band. I used to be their 
roadie, but I was demoted for backing the transit van over the chipmunk used 
for the Kylie songs.)

But - a quick check of the newspaper reveals a veritable invasion of talent 
during the coming months. For those of you who may not know as much about music 
as I do (and you never will if you don't read those chartifacts), I've prepared 
a guide to our overseas visitors. In chronological order:

The Village People, Transformers, 18/11/92. A policeman, a construction worker, 
an Indian, a driving instructor, Jordan and Sneezy. These guys are probably 
best remembered for their image changes. From disco to new romantic to erm, 
disco.

Joe Cocker, Palais, 19/11/92. Sorry, I don't know much about this guy. He must 
be a newcomer to the music 'biz'.

The Beach Boys, Olympic Park 22/11/92. Best known for stripey shirts, one of 
them drowning and one of them going bonkers. Also famous for the legendary, 
unreleased 'Smile' LP, the tapes of which were burned by Brian Wilson after 
seeing 'The Towering Inferno' and believing he was responsible. (Clue: he 
wasn't the one who drowned.)

Tori Amos, Athenaeum theatre, 22/11/92. Talented songstress who wrote 'Smells 
like Teen Spirit' whilst a member of top grunge combo Nirvana. She was sacked 
for not bathing as much as the other band members. (In fact, Kurt used to 
introduce the song as 'Smells like Tori Amos'. When she got wind of this 
(geddit?) she recorded her own version, but it was crap and only allowed to be 
a b-side.)

The Shamen, Metro, 1/12/92. Unfortunately, there's a criminal element to this 
Summers' festivities. The Shamen are well known for their drug taking. They 
even write their songs about them. 'LSI' (correct scientific name 
Luvsexinteligentsia) is a powerful hallucinogenic, and the title of their hit 
single. In another song, we can clearly hear the phrase 'Ere, got any Veras?' 
which is cockney rhyming slang for Ecstasy. i.e. Veras = Vera Lynn = Biscuit 
tin = Disco biscuits = E. The only thing they ever did right was release an 
album with 43 songs on it. That's less than 70 cents a song! Except they were 
all remixes of the same song. Bastards.

Nick Cave, Palace, 4/12/92. Actually a local boy, but divides his time between 
Berlin, Sao Paulo and Nome. All his songs are titled 'The (something) song', 
i.e. 'The ship song', 'The weeping song', 'The Altern-8 stole my idea song'. He 
was in the Birthday Party. TISM probably put it best when they said 'We all 
know how great the birthday party was. There was chips and streamers and freddo 
frogs and a nintendo video game and fizzy drinks and barbiturates and wizz fizz 
and pin the tail on the donkey and lots more.' 

Michelle Shocked, Concert hall, 5/12/92. A folky protest singer, she's had hits 
with 'Arkansas traveller' and 'Get your stinking hands off me you damn dirty 
copper'. I wouldn't be surprised if the police shut this one down. Good thing 
too. Bloomin' radical.

Pop Will Eat Itself, Metro, 8/12/92. Seen by some as sonic sampling terrorists, 
and by others as complete twats. Personally, I think they're a load of 
illiterates. 'X Y and Zee'???!!! 'Can U dig it'???!!! 'B for Patrol'???!!! 
Don't they know nothing about spelling and grammer? Good name, but.

Primal Scream, Metro, 10/12/92. Named after the reverberating guffaws the 
audience unleash after seeing Bobby Gillespie's haircut, his attempts to dance, 
and when he tries to leap into the air and clap his hands simultaneously. A 
laff riot.

Lush, Metro, 11/12/92. Famous for 'dream-pop' and 'footwear contemplation'. 
They're on Raquel Welch's ultra cool and ethereal 1,000,000 years BC label. 
They've got a wind machine and they know how to use it. And they killed their 
pet rabbit once. Spooky.

The Big Day Out, Showgrounds, 24/1/93. A huge 'gig' with a virtual galaxy of 
stars, including:

Sonic Youth - Rip off merchants who stole all Nirvana's ideas. They also do 
Madonna and Robert Palmer songs. Not an original idea between the lot of them, 
except that they play their guitars with screwdrivers.

Disposable heroes of Hiphoprisy - Rap outfit with a social conscience, they 
want to ban TV. Bloody do-gooders. Where do they think I saw their video??

Iggy Pop - You should see this guy. He's a real cut-up.

Carter the unmentionable sex machine - Two men, two guitars and a drum machine. 
They're famous for their puns. And cover versions. And bicycle apparell. And 
fringes.

Also rumoured to play at the big day out:

Morrissey - Always puts in a good show at festivals (cf. Glastonbury 1992, 
Finsbury park Madness gigs). Would have to put in a big one to top his last 
Melbourne performance.

Madonna - Well known for her religious imagery. i.e. her new book 'Sects', and 
her hit single 'I like a prayer (almost as much as I like a Pepsi)'

The Stone Roses - Finally gigging again, they'll be playing all their hits e.g. 
'Elephant stone', 'Made of stone', 'Turns into stone', 'It's great to see you 
and Grandpa again, Granite really is', and 'Nick Cave got it wrong, we did it 
first'.

The Family Cat - Hope they keep away from Lush!

Undoubtedly, the climax of the 'Summer of stars' is Guns n Roses at Calder, 
1/2/93. Axl, Slash, Izzy, Dizzy, Duff and Titch.

Axl! - The man with the smallest shorts (and mind) in rawk!
Slash! - Loads of hair, cigarette, bottle of JD, CBGBs shirt - too cool!
Izzy! - Erm, not actually in the band anymore.
Dizzy! - Too many drugs, obviously!
Duff! - Duff name!!
Titch! - Izzy's replacement.

I've started a sweep. The goal is to guess (a) the exact time they walk off 
because someone took their photo, and (b) the damage bill from the resulting 
riot. The winner will receive a copy of the number one record in South Africa 
this week, 'Indigo' by Indecent Obsession. (From their blue period).

Andrew Norrish.

'Help me, she said. I'm gonna wind up in bed. With a guy, who's not a patch 
on you.' - Fabulous.
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