From: pv@gagme.chi.il.us (Paul Vader)
Subject: A Conservative's Finale
Followup-To: talk.bizarre
Originator: pv@gagme
Keywords: Part IV. Enough of this already.
Organization: Inline Software Creations
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 17:26:23 GMT

PMRC ADVISORY: This article contains language and subject matter which may
               offend those without a life. A reality check is advised.

Voiceover: "'Charles In Charge' will not be seen so that we may bring you
           this Special Report: Passing the Torch - The Clinton Inauguration
           [Cheezy music and graphic of an Olympic torch superimposed over
           George Bush's teary and somewhat dyspeptic face] Tom Brokaw and
           National Public Radio's Cokie Roberts reporting."

[During the announcement, two off-mike voices can be heard very quietly in
the background:]

TB: "Larry King told me that during his interview, the producers flashed the
    word "loser" over George's face for 1/60 second."

CR: "You'd be amazed what you can do with the mind of a half-awake radio
    listener at 6:00am. On November second we..." [Audio abruptly cuts off]

[Scene shifts over to Tom and Cokie on the floor of the Presidential
Ballroom. A section of the room opposite them is partitioned off with heavy
black curtains.]

TB: [looks somewhat sheepish] "Umm, Good afternoon. We're here at the White
    House to witness the inauguration the people's totally free,
    uninfluenced choice for the next President of the United States, Bill
    Clinton."

CR: [Blushing] "We're all looking for President Elect Clinton's appearance
    with some anticipation. The inauguration ceremony has been, literally,
    shrouded in secrecy. Even President George Bush and his entourage
    [briefly pan to a section of seats near the stage where George Bush,
    Barbara Bush, Dan Quayle, and Marilyn Quayle sit fidgeting] seem to have
    no idea what is planned."

TB: "Mr. Clinton's wife Hillary took charge of the planning some weeks ago,
    and... [Tom pauses and puts his hand over his ear for a second] I have
    just been told that the ceremony will begin in a moment. Our remote
    cameras should give the viewing audience an unimpeded view of the
    proceedings."

CR: We wouldn't even think of cutting away or talking over the swearing in.
    That would be rude."

[Cut to a perfect view of center stage. The curtain opens while Jimi
Hendrix's arrangement of "The Star Spangled Banner" for screaming electric
guitar plays. Hillary, still in the hooded black robe, stands at the left
side of the stage. Twelve similarly dressed women holding candles are
arranged around her. Bill Clinton is standing near the front of the stage to
the right, at a podium with the Presidential seal. Al, Al Jr., Karenna,
Kristin, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth "Tipper" Gore are behind him. Chelsea
Clinton, wearing ripped jeans and a studded black leather jacket, is
standing very close to Tipper, and repeatedly flicks a switchblade open and
closed by her ear. "Me so Horny" is clearly audible through Chelsea's
walkman headphones. Tipper appears ready to faint.]

HC: "Sisters, we will begin."

[Hillary moves to center stage, and the other women inscribe a large
pentagram on the floor behind her. Once it is complete they put the candles
on the floor at the points of the pentagram and start to walk in a slow
circle around it, waving their hands over their heads at intervals.]

HC: [CENSORED. The writer takes no responsibility for any property damage or
    eternal damnation resulting from the summoning of the Lord of Darkness.
    If you must know the text of this part, consult your local occult
    bookstore.] "...Owha Taboo Biam! Come forth, I implore thee!"

[With a burst of sulfurous black smoke, Lucifer, impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit, appears at the center of the pentagram. He steps right out of
it.]

L: "Excuse me ladies. Hillary! Babe! Great to see ya again. [They exchange
   "air" kisses]. Well, I suppose it's about time we get down to bidness [He
   turns to Bill]. William Beauregard Clinton, repeat after me:" [Bill
   places his hand on a thick black book bound in iron]

L&BC: "I, Bill Clinton, do swear as President of the United States to raise
      taxes on the rich, give cushy jobs to every relative, special interest
      lobbyist, and political crony I can think off, defile every room of
      the White House with my depraved lovemaking, embrace and encourage
      alternative lifestyles far out of the American mainstream, roll over
      for any petty dictator that may come along, sell out the future of our
      children, and maintain a steady flow of addictive drugs into the
      country until they are available on every street corner. Nothing is
      forbidden, all is permissible. What thou wilt is the whole of the law.
      Oooh Mang."

L: "Congratulations, Mr. President. [Pauses and looks around the room].
   Before I leave, I have a debt to collect on. Dan Quayle, you will come
   forward." [While he speaks a fiery pit forms in the center of the
   pentagram. Hillary and the other robed women put on Raybans and step well
   back from the edge. Dan goes up on stage, his legs making exaggerated
   movements as he walks]

DQ: "It's not fair! This wasn't the deal at all! I never got to be
    President!" 

L: "That's not quite true, is it Dan? Remember when George Bush was having
   surgery? There you go." 

DQ: [Blubbers] "You know that isn't what I meant!"

L: "What are you going to do, hire a lawyer? You burned that bridge quite
   nicely more than a year ago, and besides, they're all on my team anyway.
   Bwahahahaha! Down the pit with you! [Dan gives an excellent demonstration
   of the Doppler effect as he is thrown screaming into the void] Cheeky
   little bastard. Oh, and George! [instantly translocates so he is standing
   in front of George Bush] I just want to thank you for showing us
   democrats the way. Long life to you!" [hugs him] 

GB: "Wha I Well Ah Ner Thank you, I guess."

L: "I'm outta here. Places to go, people to torture. You know how it is, huh
   George? [Lucifer elbows him in the ribs, then turns back towards Hillary]
   Bubeleh! Have your minions call my minions. We'll do Sabbat some time.
   Ciao!" [Lucifer disappears in a burst of flame. The entire front row get
   their eyebrows singed off.] 

MQ: [Loudly] "I was bored with the weasel anyway. Now are we going to
    celebrate, or do I have to drink you all under the table?" 

And so the four year party began. THE END.

[Fade to black, Roll credits]

                                   C A S T

Angry African Americans .......................... Rodney King, Mike Tyson
Voice of James Baker ........................................ Frank Morgan
Sen. Carol Moseley Braun (D. IL) .......................... Sister Souljah
Tom Brokaw ....................................................... Himself
Barbara Bush .................... Barbara Billingsley, before Nutri-System
George Bush .................................................. Dana Carvey
Bricklayer #1 ................................................ Stan Laurel
Bricklayer #2 ............................................... Oliver Hardy
Dana Carvey .................................................. George Bush
Bill Clinton ...................................... The Pillsbury Doughboy
Chelsea Clinton ........................................... Drew Barrymore
Hillary Clinton ........................................ Rebecca De Mornay
Decorator #1 .................................................. Don Knotts
Decorator #2 ................................................. Mick Jagger
Drug Czar ................................................... Cheech Marin
Hector (W.O.O.) .............................................. Tommy Chong
Lucifer, Lord of Darkness ................................ George Hamilton
Millie ....................................................... Fred Basset
Narrator ...................................................... Paul Vader
Dan Quayle ....................... Robert Redford (Sort of, if you squint)
Marilyn Quayle ................................................. Aeon Flux
Cokie Roberts .................................................... Herself
George's Secretary ......................................... Loni Anderson
Secretary's Suitor ........................................ Lorie Anderson
Clarence Thomas ............................................. Danny Glover
Socks ....................................... Itchy, or was that Scratchy?
Witches ..................................... Annie, Grendel, Jane Horvath,
                                                   Amy S Kahn, Yong-Mi Kim,
                                           Catherine Roth, Morrisa Sherman,
                                         C. J. Silverio, Catherine Stanton,
                                                    Ilana Stern, Tank Girl,
                                                      St Theresa of the Net


                                C R E D I T S

Director ...................................................... Paul Vader
Writer ........................................................ Paul Vader
Assistant to Mr. Vader ................................... gagme.chi.il.us
Distributor ..................................................... inews.nn
Continuity *********************************** The Clinton Transition Team
Typography ......................................... Message Composer [tm]
Armourer .......................... Buddy's Shooting Range and Singles Bar
Greatest sysadmin on the planet ............................... Greg Gulik
Set Design ........................................................... {0}
Makeup ..................................................... C L O U D I A
Markup ............................................................... 10%
Fuckup ................................................ big daddy hate box
WareZ D00d ......>..>>.>>>.....>>.....>>...>.>.>.....>.>>.... BIFF@BIT.NET
Dot abuse ................................................ alt.fan.warlord


                                  M U S I C
                                     
                             "Cop Killer", Ice-T
                       "Little Miss", The Spin Doctors
                  "Legend In My Living Room", Annie Lennox
                    "Suck My Kiss", Red Hot Chili Peppers
                           "Guns In The Sky", INXS
                  "Must be Crazy for Me", Melissa Etheridge
                      "Love Is A Stranger", Eurythmics

               Soundtrack available from Slipped Disc Records


                       A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T S

      "The Gore Family" appears courtesy of ILM, Animatronics Division
        Message Composer is a trademark of Inline Software Creations

        The writer would like to thank the talk.bizarre cabal, for
       corrupting his morals and generally being the coolest people on
               the net. Oh yeah, there is no cabal. Never mind.
                                     
       No animals were hurt, mistreated, or forced to proofread during
                      the writing of these articles.  

       Any resemblance to actual people living or dead is a figment of
          Patrick Buchanan and the far right's sick imaginations. 


              A  C o n s e r v a t i v e ' s  L a s t  D a y s
                         November 1992 - January 1993


-- 
Paul Vader            systems analyst, hell's cavenewt, rollerblader,
pv@gagme.chi.il.us    FOAF, smartass liberal democrat
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,soc.culture.australia