From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: late at night
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 06:57:05 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


-longish post to follow-

hi

it's early in the morning and i'm scared....
i'm really sad again...and very confused.  I want to call someone to
talk but i don't want to bother anyone. i've been lurking for
awhile..just watching, testing if you will. i don't know what i'll say,
and i don't know if ya'll want to hear but i hope you will.

************Spoiler (i think maybe i don't quite get the meaning of it)
            *********General Confusion**************

I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
then there would be no turning back.
What if i'm wrong

Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. i don't want to use my
name cause you might know me, or them. Some people can't know things,
they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You don't talk
outside the family...you never go against the family.....you don't shame
the family

Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?

I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
want to be good but i can't. I have thoughts and then the memories come
back and i remember how gross i am. I am a child....in some ways. A
little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't ready when it happened, does
this make sence? The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last
year.  I admit that i most likely brought it on myself(even though i
know i'm ot supposed to say that) But the thing is that i'd never really
had a boyfriend. I don't know what's supposed to happen. You have to do
whatever he says right? he knew i didn't understand, that i needed to be
taught. he taught me how to hate myself even more than i already did. He
taught me how to hate sex, even the idea of it, and he taught me how to
be afraid of people. Maybe i shouldn't blame only him. Maybe it was the
straw that broke the camels back. i don't know. Now i'm still a child, a
19 year old child who want's to be loved. But i think that anyone who
wants me wants me only for my body..therefore it is rare that i really
let anyone inside. Whenever i do they seem to hurt me bad, therefore i
don't do it much anymore. 
I'm lonely.

i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now

thanks



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