From: coates@newton.physics.uq.oz.au (Tony Coates)
Subject: Re: 1 (800) ROMANCE
Organization: Physics Dept. The University of Queensland
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 05:54:12 GMT

In article <1992Oct1.161716.23151@no1home.nashvil.ingr.com>, puter@no1home.nashvil.ingr.com (PuterDude) writes:
|>  phrh@ccrma.Stanford.EDU (Peter Habicht) explores for reactions...
|> 
|> >I would like to explore for a second the subject of romance--please feel  
|> >free to write describing your reactions:
|> >
|> >A) I think that romance is a breeding ground for many  
|> >misunderstandings/arguments that couples have today.
|> 
|> 	[rest deleted]
|> 
|> Well, Peter. Here is a basic, fundamental fault. 99% of the time, 
|> misunderstandings/arguments stem from miscommunication. Communication
|> is the most important factor in any relationship. Once you can open
|> fully to your relative/so/rp, and REALLY communicate, things just
|> fall right into place.
|> 
|> I noticed that the rest of your post dealt with romance being the 
|> breeding ground because of communication problems. So-and-so
|> expecting, then not getting. 
|> 
|> >  Romance is such an  
|> >elusive term, and when people expect or desire romance and do not get what  
|> >they want or when romance does mean two different things to a couple,  
|> >fights and arguments ensue.
|> 
|> This is what I mean. People who "care" for each other will talk this out
|> before "fights and arguments ensue".                       ^^^^
|> 
|> 	Stupid scenario: You come home EXPECTING meatloaf for dinner. You
|> are CRAVING meatloaf. Yet, you're spouse(whatever) has fixed rice. Rice
|> bores you. Do you...
|> 
|> 1) Ensue a fight or argument?
|> 		or
|> 2) TALK to them and TELL them in a positive way how YOU FEEL?
|> 
|> 	That's the only point I got. COMMUNICATION. It can NEVER be
|> stressed enough.
|> 
|> >  As many women may feel pressured into having sex, I do feel  
|> >pressured sometimes into being romantic.
|> 
|> 	Nope, can't say *I've* ever felt that way. But then, I never
|> pressured for sex. I'm not a great romantic, either. An occaisonal
|> card, a flower, a small kiss, holding her hand... I forget to do
|> a lot of the little things. But (and PuterGal and I were JUST talkin'
|> 'bout this last night), she KNOWS my feelings for her.
|> 
|> 	Enuff of my rantin'. 
|> 
|> -- 
|> Puter	puter@no1home.nashvil.ingr.com	.sig by Generic Labels
|> (Put irritating title here.)		(Put phone # here.)
|> (Put obnoxious quote here. Please make it as long as possible.)

In particular, I'll just make a quick response to the lines

|> This is what I mean. People who "care" for each other will talk this out
|> before "fights and arguments ensue".                       ^^^^

Sadly, I have been in the situation where my wife and I cared for each
other, but were never able to get the communication together - not
because we didn't really "care" enough, I think, but rather because we
could never agree on just what really was the *right* way to discuss our
problems.  Perhaps that sounds stupid, but I am something of an analyst
by nature, and also have some debating experience, and my wife felt that
any prolonged discussion unfairly favoured me because of my experience. 
It's not that her argument here is necessarily incorrect, not at all,
it's just that it never gave me an avenue to really discuss things, as
there was never, to my mind, any clear alternative procedure presented
to me.
	The point here is simply that not communicating may not simply
be a failure to simply be a bit more caring or to try a little harder. 
Sometimes it can be deeper than that - this was something I had never
properly appreciated before.
	Just another 2c worth (and I'm still not really here at the
moment).
						*hugs to all*
							Tony
[Knight Defender of the Grail of Human Dignity]
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat