HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: I heard from my mother.
Date: 20 Nov 92 19:51:12 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes



I got this Wednesday night:


Dear Anika,

I didn't answer your first letter because I felt you gave me nothing to say.
How does one respond to a letter that begins by stating anything I say will
only enrage you further? [I did not say this - I said denial would enrage me.]
You have apparently told the murder-suicide fictions for so long that you now
accept them as truth. [Apparently referring to my sisters' suicide attempt,
and one of their's threats and attempts to kill me. Both sisters admit these
things happened.] The rest is so full of viciousness and contradictions that no
response is possible. I don't know what you are talking about.

I am glad you are seeking help. But no, Anika, I will pay no more of your
bills. [She has NEVER paid ANY of my bills. She didn't offer a penny to put me
through college, while her wealth made it impossible for me to get financial
aid...]

I am truly sorry for your pain.

With my love,

Mom

  * * * *

I have nothing else to say.
Who is this woman? I've never had a mother, that's clear.

					Anika



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From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: yuck.
Date: 23 Nov 92 21:32:30 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes





Hi, everyone.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing. I don't know just what I'll say.

Thank you to everyone who's sent me mail regarding my "Update" post and the
letter from my mother. It's an unfortunate coincidence that I got the letter
just after the Update post, but it seems there are always these ironic little
coincidences in my life...

I've tried to respond to the mail I've received. It's all helped so much. You
remind me I'm not alone, that I'm worth something regardless of what my
"mother" says, that I'm allowed to hurt... But I read my responses to you all
and I see this snarling, bitter, angry, unpleasant person, and I'm sickened to
know it's me. I feel much better than I have, but there's still this ugly
thing inside...

A friend of mine told me that you have to know when to step back - to get out
of it and recover for a bit. I guess I'm at that point. I see posts I want to
respond to *so* badly, but my warmth has been shut off and replaced with
bitterness. I can't seem to reach out. I try, and what I write isn't helpful
to anyone. It's just ugly.

Have I said anything of value here?
I hope this Thanksgiving "vacation" helps.

You know, I really wanted a mother. I was going to *forgive* her if she just
said she was sorry. *FORGIVE* her, and she was abusing me when I was 2 or 3!!!
I really wanted a mother. Don't know why, but I did.
 
I'm tired of whining. 
Bye.
							Anika



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From: anon-1421@twwells.com (seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: guilt & catch 22
Date: 18 Nov 92 22:16:56 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

I was not abused sexually as a child (abused in most other ways though)
but I was as an adult. It is kind of embarrassing because, unlike so 
many of you, I was a *consenting adult*. I often had sex with my ex SO
because I was afraid that if I didn't he might become violent and he
would certainly become abusive. I guess this is a mild form of rape.
There was a lot of stuff before that too so I already had a lot of
baggage. (The abusive relationship was the only one in which I have 
really tried to be intimate because I was not able to trust enough
to try in other relationships.)

Since I was an adult I feel I at least share responsibility
for the abuse - I allowed it to happen by staying with him. The perp 
was my therapist, which decreases my responsibility, but not completely.

I am left with a major fear of both sex and relationships. I had trouble
just sharing a tent with a male who has been my friend for years.
I have nightmares about loving relationships (getting less frequent). 

I have been through therapy and belong to a 12 step program. I have
been celibate since my SO became my ex (3 years). My ex-therapist said 
I need to wait until I meet the right person, someone with
whom I can make a commitment (marriage) and who can set the right
environment, and then most of the problems will go away. I believe this
is necessary but worry that it is not sufficient. My ex-therapist is
a born again Christian and I am worried that she is biased (note: I have
been out of therapy for over a year). I have worked on the anger and
a lot of that is gone.

As soon as a relationship gets sexual (as opposed to cuddly) 
I am out of there emotionally. I mean permanently and immediately. 
Is this a catch 22 situation? - need to find the right person to 
work out the problems but the problems prevent me from finding the 
right person? It is really likely that I haven't found the right
person but I don't know how to work on relationships when I cannot get
into one! I am seeing someone now and don't want to screw it up.

Please let me know what your experience has been. Thanks.
(The prospect of dealing with this stuff has me terrified but I am tired
of carrying the baggage.)

ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Name: seeker
ANON-Ping: yes
ANON-Announce: yes




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Subject: Re: Religion
From: emiddlec@mora.gac.edu (Eric Middlecamp)
Date: 17 Nov 92 22:11:08 -0600

In article <1992Nov15.181338.14620@netcom.com>  writes:
>In article <Bxr3F9.2FK@twwells.com> anon-1280@twwells.com (Ode) writes:
>>anon-1229@twwells.com (Little boy) writes:
>>
>>>>M. Scott Peck, in _The Road Less Traveled_, reminds us to keep in mind the 
>>>>...
>>
>>>This is a crock.  Scott Pecker can tell us anything he likes.  He's a 
>>>...
>>
>>First, I also have absolutely no use for religion, so we're in agreement
>>...
>
>Actually, Scott Peck was using a much broader definition of religion. 
>I was going to quote it, but my copy seems to have mysteriously
>vanished (and this is the second book of his that has disappeared from
>our apartment - I wonder if my SO is hiding them?).  Anyway, he defined
>religion as "what you believe in", as far as I can remember.  To his
>way of thinking, atheism and agnosticism are just [AS] religions.
                                                    ^^
Wow, quite a typo there!                            !!
From: anon-1397@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: anonymous id
Date: 19 Nov 92 04:42:09 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

How do I get an anonyjous id to use while posting?



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From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Subject: Re: Woman Leaving Abusive Husband, Husband Works at Phone Company
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 02:02:50 GMT

In article <Bxvr6F.Ex7@twwells.com> anon-1264@twwells.com (KillDoll) writes:
>> Her husband works at the phone company.  He has access to
>> unlisted numbers and billing records.  She's worried that
>> if she gets phone service, he'll find her.
>> If anyone knows any workarounds, please post them here.
>
[...]
>
>Back on the subject, I would suggest she never give out her number, just
>call her friends on an irregular basis from pay phones or a mobile phone.
>Otherwise the abusive husband could beat her number out of a friend (read
>"It" by Stephen King), and the phone company can keep track of who calls
>certain numbers, so the husband could trace back all the numbers that
>called her friends' phones.

If she wants to go this route, she can get a voice mail number, or
beeper, or both, that do *not* bill to the phone company.  For
example, the number in my .sig is *not* at my home, and the people at
the voice mail company do not know where I live, since the bill goes
to a rented mailbox.  I used to have a beeper which would beep
whenever someone left a message, but discontinued that a few years
back because I did't really need it.  The rented mailbox idea is 
particulary good for single women who live alone - I know personally
I wouldn't want everybody I write checks to to know where I live.
None of this is all that expensive, btw.  

holly
-- 
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1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)
From: anon-1349@twwells.com (P.J.)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Am I back on-line??
Date: 20 Nov 92 22:55:10 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

We've been off the net and I'm just checking to see if I can get through.



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From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Update on My World
Date: 23 Nov 92 17:46:43 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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I wrote this on Friday:

20-Nov-92 17:04	anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)	Re: Update on My World
>
>
>19-Nov-92 23:40	emiddlec@mora.gac.edu (Eric Middlecamp)	Re: Update on My World
>
>In article <BxxLvB.58L@twwells.com>  writes:
>>Hi, everyone.
>>
>>This is an update on my world, if you care to read it. I've been posting a lot
>>...
>
>When did this start happening? There may be a connection if it is timed with 
>your therapy or something.. Just an idea-
>
>emiddlec@ancho.gac.edu

>The first memories started returning in the aftermath of remembering about my
>mother. The symptoms had been there for a long time. That was the point at
>which I started to recognize them. My only thought was that I had tried so
>hard to protect my mother and disocciate her from the horrors of the past that
>when I finally gave up and the memories returned, all the rest felt it could
>come, too.
>
>That's *my* interpretation. Why did you ask? Any ideas?


...and then talked to a friend of mine about it Friday night and realized that
wasn't it at all.

	The thing that triggered the memories in my post was something I
heard on the radio. A local station, thinking, I guess, that they were getting
a jump on the next big news, played on the air a tape that 911 in
California released. The tape was real. It was of a woman who called 911 when
a man with a gun broke in her house. She was screaming from the start of the
tape. You hear pops in the background and her screams escalate. More pops,
louder and closer, and her screams reach maximum. Suddenly she goes "apeshit",
and in her screams you could hear her mind being torn away. Bang bang and
silence.
	The radio said the woman was a health inspector, the gunman a man
she'd had jailed. The woman watched her husband and her son get shot down
before he killed her.
	I understood that woman's screams too well. I knew the feeling of one's
mind being torn from the moorings of sanity. I realized I had been there, and
that's when I started paying attention to my fears.
 
	Why do I keep forgetting this? I guess that's why I needed to post it.


							Anika





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From: anon-1348@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: unforwarded mail
Date: 24 Nov 92 00:27:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

ANON-Mail:  yes

I'm sorry to post publicly but I forgot to turn on my mail
forwarding.  Someone sent mail to me but I never received it.  I'd
appreciate it if whoever wrote to me resend the message, if possible.
Thanks...
Phoenix



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From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Subject: Re: group dynamics
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 20:17:25 GMT

In article <By01vD.Ls9@twwells.com> anon-1318@twwells.com (Free Amazon) writes:
>I would like to start a discussion about group dynamics, the differences 
>between this group and how a survivor's group would usually be 
>structured, the advantages and disadvantages of this format, changes 
>people would like to see in this format, if any, and how to make changes 
>if they are wanted or needed.
>
>How 'bout I start. I'm sure there will be lots of differing opinions. I  
[...]
>I would like to avoid going to email because it seems like the kind of 
>thing that you do (whisper) when you don't want them to hear, shhh, 
>quiet, secret, don't tell, you might upset your (fill in the blank), 
>they might find out and hurt me, conspiracy of silence, continuing to 
>let it happen stuff.
[...]

I use email extensively.  Some of what I write is too sensitive to
make public, and I need to build up the trust and raport with specific
individuals before I can do so - my exwife is very bitter, and I wish
neither to give her ammunition, nor to have a chance to missconstrue a
comment of mine as an attack on her (it's frightening, how easy
relatively innocent comments can be interpreted in a negative way,
totally unintended).  Some of what I write might seem pretentious out
of context.  Some is very private to the individual I'm writing to,
and to comment in public, would be a breach of confidentiality.  Also,
while I tend to be very open and direct, I would feel inhibited from
expressing myself as much as I feel I need to sometimes, if I had to
go public.  There is also a question of bandwidth - I have been known
to send, and receive, email in excess of 15k at time!


Gavin
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From: an294@anon.penet.fi (Just A Anon Poster)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test Message
Date: 17 Nov 92 11:45:39 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

Will this server allow a post to be made anon to asar?
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From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: hi
Date: 17 Nov 92 05:19:21 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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ANON-Name: Angel

Hi.  We haven't posted here 



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From: karen@invincible.bsd.uchicago.edu (& Brilmyer)
Subject: religion
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 19:24:00 GMT

I have seen several posts on religion and would like to share my thoughts.   
I was born and raised Catholic.... I truely feel that this was a detriment  
to me at this point in my life.  The way I was raised was to fear God...  
not to love him....  They should start a group called CATHOHOLICS  
ANONYMOUS!

This is just my opinion... I'm sure it works for some but it was not any  
help for me.
From: anon-1390@twwells.com (Screaming Fist)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ...yuck
Date: 24 Nov 92 01:34:28 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


>From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
>Subject: yuck.
>Date: 23 Nov 92 21:32:30 GMT

[omitted]

>...I read my responses to you all
>and I see this snarling, bitter, angry, unpleasant person, and I'm
>sickened to know it's me. I feel much better than I have, but there's
>still this ugly thing inside...

[omitted]

Anika,

I would like to respectfully disagree with you.  I don't believe that
feeling negative emotions defines what kind of person you are.  I feel
snarling, bitter, angry, and unpleasant on some days, too.  But not
every day.  And not even all day long (well, not *usually*).

In other words, I think it's very human to have those negative
feelings.  I mean, who *wouldn't* feeling resentful after having been
abused?  To say nothing of the continuing invalidation that you
describe coming toward you.  You'd have to be an angel not to get
pissed off sooner or later!

>You know, I really wanted a mother. I was going to *forgive* her if
>she just said she was sorry. *FORGIVE* her, and she was abusing me
>when I was 2 or 3!!!  I really wanted a mother. Don't know why, but I
>did.
> 
>I'm tired of whining. 
>Bye.
>							Anika

It's very human to want a mother!!  It seems to me like everbody
*else* got to have one! (Damnit.)  Why not me?  (My mother abused me
too and *still* won't cop to it.)  IMO, you have a legitimate reason
to grieve, and so I must again disagree with you. I don't think it's
'whining'; I think it's called 'grieving'.

*optional safehugs!*

   *********************************************************************
   * Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence. *
   *  -Mahatma Gandhi                                                  *
   ********************************************************************* 
     David L Nelson   fist@chop.isca.uiowa.edu  anon-1390@twwells.com



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From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Subject: Re: To anon-1064 (holly)
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 05:53:52 GMT

In article <BxxEvt.3zC@twwells.com> anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika) writes:
>
>
>18-Nov-92 17:41	ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU	Re: To anon-1064 (holly)
>writes: 
>
[...]
>>Probably if you're more relaxed and *smile* at them, some will smile back
>>and be interested. How many girls have you asked out lately? Maybe someone
>>is waiting for you to take the initiative.
>> 
>>From what I've read of your posts (I've been reading asar off and on for about
>>4 months), you seem like a decent guy. *I'd* be happy to go out with you if
>>you lived here in Charlotte! :)
>> 
>>Erin
> 
>
>I second that motion. When I was younger I was taking a class for
>assertiveness (I know, it's hard to believe I ever kept my mouth shut *too*
>much :) which ended with receiving a letter from the instructor telling us
>individually what she felt were our strengths and weaknesses. I was floored
>when I received mine and she had written that for the first two sessions she 
>thought I was terribly conceited, but was pleased that when I finally opened
>up I had a lot to offer. I thought I was merely maintaining a reserved
>observers stance until I knew the group well enough to open up. Within the
>next few years, I realized that that's what a lot of people thought. It made
>no sense to me - I was a loner, I had nothing - how could they think I was
>conceited? But they did.
[...]

>[Incidentally, does anyone else frequently feel they're being REALLY OBVIOUS
>but the person in question doesn't pick up on it?]
>
>Good luck, Captain. I admire the work you're doing.
>
>						Anika

I once observed an attractive girl sit down next to a (male) friend of
mine on a soffa, so that her hips were touching him, and there was a
clear 4 inches the other side of her.  They were already friends, he
was staying at my house, and she visited us at her initiative.  He
didn't pick up her interest in him!  I discussed it with him later,
and he "hadn't noticed".  Several years later, the last I saw of him,
he had a very close relationship with a divorced woman.  He must have
been in his late 20's, early 30's, at the time of the "sofa incident".
He tended to be very intellectual, and not particularly social, but
handled himself in social events ok.

Image, and non-verbal signals, reception/transmission, are something I
need to be much more aware of.  I know that if I get too intense, or
enthusiastic, I'm inclined to be oblivious to them.  However, I'm
making a lot of progress.  I find that as I become more confident of
myself, I tend automaticaaly to get on better with people.  I think it
affects the uncoscious non-verbal signals I give out.



Gavin
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From: anon-1349@twwells.com (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: nickname change redux
Date: 23 Nov 92 00:22:23 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ANON-Name: Mary

still trying to get a correct nickname change.  Apparently, since I did not
send the last message from my normal machine I was given another anon id.
My correct anon i.d. is 1349.  So, the nickname change post from "1370"
should be attributed to "1349" - Hope it works right this time.

Mary



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