From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  2/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:12 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
20
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate.  Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile.  Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

21
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.  Today's word
is supercilious                                                 ...}

22
Kemosabe no in tipi now.  You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

23
Also, on the subject of answering machines, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.

24
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century.  Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....

25
Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE!  DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam.  ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA!  HEY!  DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner.  After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>

26
Hello.  Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

27
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

28
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

29
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."

30
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:

Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye  {byes repeating
at all different pitches}

31
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:

{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }

32
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

[Give it try!  -pZ]

33
<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.

<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>

You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...

34
    [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
    "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.  we are currently unable to answer
    because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.  please leave
    a message..." etc.

35
    [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
    (after about 30 seconds): "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.
    we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
    please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
    the beep.)

36
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine.  You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home.  Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a
lot."

37
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer)  Hello, this is <...> speaking.  I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person)  What?
(you reply)  Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)

Make everyone's day a little more surreal.

39
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls.  So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone.  Otherwise,
well, what can I say?

40
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
it slices, it dices your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

41
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".

42
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David.  I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday."  No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.
>>> Continued to next message
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