From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: going home...
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 19:52:28 GMT

chrislyn@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Tracey L. Stanchfield) writes:


>Aargh. Last Saturday was not fun. I had to go home to pick up some stuff 
>( am living at school this summmer.. thank god!) & asked my So to take me
>1) cause i don't drive & 2) cause I wanted some support. 

>Things went ok at first. talking & joking w/ my mom etc.. but then my father 
>came in ( my perp) He gave me a hug & kiss on the cheek--I didn't respond.
> Right at that moment, I knew my SO wanted to leave. ( so did I , but not
>quite as badly)My father asked if we wanted to go out to eat w/ them.. 
>I said we had some stuff to take care of that afternoon & couldn't stay. 
>We left soon after that.. my SO's knuckles were white as he clutched the 
>steering wheel while we drove away.

>It was the first time my SO had been around my father since I told him (my
>SO) the whole truth about my abuse. He took it pretty well, at least while
>we were there.. but then was pretty shaken up for the rest of the afternoon.
>( I had spent a couple of days at home over Spring Break, but he wasn't
>with me) We didn't talk much about it until Sun night.... my mom called &
>asked if I was upset or mad at them... I begged off by explaining that it
>was the end of the semester etc etc. (Jeez-- one thing I learned really
>well from my abuse was how to lie on a moment's notice & keep the lie going..)

i know what that's like.  i'm such a good liar.  i hate it.  i'm really working
on being honest, and i'm pretty good at it, but not perfect.  what i hate is
this almost compulsive need i have to have an excuse or cover story at the
ready.  if something happens in my life that someone may disapprove of, i'll
come up with some plausible explanation for it that shifts the blame away from
me.  i feel so scummy for that, but i can't stop it.  

who do i blame for this?  my perp.  he told me not to tell because my mom would
be upset.  but i had to tell her.  so i made up a story which was, in the
literal sense, true.  but it wasn't what really happened.  i was 6, and i was
already a damn good wordsmith, that i could make the truth into a lie.  spoiler
warning:  i'm going to get a little graphic here.  skip the rest of this
paragraph if you want to.  my perp told me that inside the penis was a sort of
balloon that was what made it get big.  he told me that there was some problem
with his and that it wouldn't get quite big enough.  and so i had to help by
sucking on it.  what i told mom was that we had blown up balloons that day.
literally (in the mind of a decieved 6 year old) true, and a complete lie.  god
dammit how i hate that ability.

>My So & I talked a litle afterwards-- he told me how uncomfortable he had 
>felt & how proud he was of me being able to handle it all so well (Yeah--
>like I had a choice) He also felt badly about my mom-- because he likes her
>a lot & he thought he'd not been very friendly either. 

>The more I think about it, the more it tears me up-- because I'm to the 
>point where I cannot be anything more that civil to my father... and I
>am not ready to confront. Correction--I think I am ready to confront _HIM_
>but not deal with the repercussions as far as the rest of the family 
>(extended included) is involved.

>How have others of you dealt with this situation? Stayed away entirely? 
>Come right out & explained what was going on & let the mess straighten
>itself out?

if you are ready to confront him but not ready to tell the rest of the family
(i can sure understand that.  i haven't told mine except my mom who was partly
involved, so she knew already) then send him a letter.  this has a lot of
advantages.  it can be easier than confronting him directly.  you get to
compose your thoughts ahead of time.  you get to say everything you want to say
without worrying about forgetting something or being interrupted.  and odds are
he's not going to tell the rest of the family either.  if you're worried about
it being opened by your mom because it's from you, don't put a return address
on it.  when you're ready, you can tell the rest of the family.  you can tell
him that too in the letter.  let him know that you're giving him a taste of the
fear you felt from him for all those years.

good luck, and kudos to you and your s.o. for having the strength to not make a
bad situation worse.

-- 
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery