HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: stuarta@syd.dms.CSIRO.AU (Stuart Andrews)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Please help me play a joke!!!! :-)
Summary: She is gonna kill me.
Date: 14 Oct 92 04:26:22 GMT
Distribution: aus
Organization: CSIRO Division of Mathematics and Statistics, Australia

This is a little different to what generally appears in aus.jokes,
but I write it here because, in years to come, it will be regarded
as a joke.

Story is as follows: Yesterday, a friend 'got me a beauty', played
a joke on me which needs returning. To do with dating, askng people
out etc.

So, here's what I wan't YOU to do: Just make a simple telephone
call. A nice girl at AWA Communications, Her name: Noreen.

She is an Engineer, good (great even!) looking, 28 (I think), red hair,
good personality (a plus with engineers!) and a good (too good!) sense
of humour.

Please, as many people as possible call her at (02) 413 6431 and
ask her out to the Valhalla Cinema on Thursday night.

Thanx guys (and girls), I am forever in your debt...

Geoff

-- 
Geoffrey Breach                       | "Never ask your murder-suspect client  
(masquerading as stuarta)             |  if they did it. They might answer
AWA Communications. Lane Cove, Sydney |  your question. And then where will
Australia. Voice 61,2 413 6333        |  you be?"  Horace Rumpole, of the Bailey
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AWA Communications don't know I'm doing this and CSIRO think I'm somebody else
so I'm afraid that the only person responsible for this posting can be me!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: stuarta@syd.dms.CSIRO.AU (Stuart Andrews)
Subject: Re: Hairstyles
Organization: CSIRO Division of Mathematics and Statistics, Australia
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 23:54:51 GMT

Reminds me of the one about the woman walking up Oxford Street (sorta Kings X,  Sydney, where those of a Homosexual persuasion are prevalent) and was pack raped by three guys. Two held her down while the third did her hair!

G
.
From: bjb@mullauna.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Bruce J. Baker)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Keating the comedian
Date: 7 Oct 92 09:13:27 GMT
Distribution: aus
Organization: Computer Science, University of Melbourne, Australia

It was reported on FOX FM today that welfare agencies were outraged with
our beloved prime minister's recent comments on the economy.

Apparently (according to Paul) the recession ended a year ago.

There's lots of things I could say, but none of them are sufficiently
strong to express my astonishment & disgust.  Is he from this planet?
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: whedon@netcom.com (Bill Whedon)
Subject: Re: How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1992 18:50:57 GMT

In article <1992Oct3.013508.14024@physiol.su.OZ.AU> johnd@physiol.su.OZ.AU (John Dodson) writes:
>
>How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
>
>Um? one I think, you push this big red button don't you ?
>
>Shit where did that Turkish destroyer go ?
>

Hey, ask George Bush.  He'll probably deny there ever _was_ a Turkish
destroyer.  (Clinton, of course, has better things to do than watch over
the military, and Perot would drop out of the race again if he ever heard
about it).

>
>johnd@physiol.su.oz.au
>
>PS: Can anybody think of a race on earth they would least trust with a Big
>Red button that could blow the earth to the shit house than the Americans ?

Hmmmmmmm... Aussies, perhaps?  Always in danger of bumping it with a big 'ead!
Bill (Vegemite fancier) Whedon   whedon@netcom.com
 

-- 
I don' need no steenking .signature!
From: allanc@cs.su.oz.au (Restless Wanderer)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Keating the comedian
Date: 8 Oct 92 02:59:08 GMT
Reply-To: allanc@cluster.cs.su.oz (Restless Wanderer)
Distribution: aus
Organization: Basser Dept of Computer Science, University of Sydney, Australia

From the man who said "..this is the recession we had to have"

On the Ch 9 news at 6pm last night.(During parliamentary speeches)

"..mate this Govt saved you.." Laughter errupted.



******************************************************************************
* Allan Creighton           "There are important matters to be resolved here *
* Dept of Computer Science   and the fear of being hanged on a democratic    *
* University of Sydney       gallows will delay me until next spring"        *
******************************************************************************
From: rmede@waikato.ac.nz
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Lone ranger joke
Date: 8 Oct 92 15:05:58 +1300
Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand
Summary: Hi Ho Silver

Well, the Indians finally caught up with the Lone Ranger one day, and about
5000 of them surrounded him & Silver. Oh shit, says LR, now I'm done for. 
He wasn't wrong. The Indians staked him to the ground and poured honey
all over his face. They pulled out a bag of heap 'um big white ants and the
chief of the tribe said " Right LR - you're history dude we're
going to let these loose on your face, but because we're
compassionate Indians, you can have one last request."

"Can I speak to me horse?" says LR. The chief thinks a bit and the agrees.
LR whistles up Silver, and whispers in his ear. Silver gallops off into
the distance.

"So what happens now?" asks the chief. "Can I just have ten minutes,
please...?" says LR. Chief agrees reluctantly.

9 1/2 minute later Silver returns with a gorgeous naked blonde lady on 
board, and comes to s screeching halt. The blonde does a fdouble somersault
and lands on LR's face, and wriggles around for a few minutes.

The Indians are mightily impressed, and ask what else Silver can do.

LR says "Can I speak to me horse again" Indians agree.

Silver comes up to the LR who yells in his ear: "YOU DUMB BASTARD. I ASKED
YOU TO GET ME A BIG *POSSE*"


From: Dean.Heather@f301.n670.z3.fidonet.org (Dean Heather)
Sender: acsnet@csource.oz.au
From: u906451@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au (Damien Saunders)
Subject: Re: How many surrealists does it take to change a light globe ?
Organization: University of Tasmania, Australia.
Distribution: aus
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 04:16:21 GMT

s342063@emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au writes:

>To Brom@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au :

>And yet another version of this joke.....slight difference to yours :

>How many surrealists does it take to change the light globe ?

>Two, one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bath with brightly
>coloured bicycles.
Another answer:
Two, one to set fire to the giraffe and the other to fill the bath with 
bright blue mechanical pieces.
--
"Its a 106 mi to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, 1/2 a pack of
cigarettes, its dark and we 're wearing sun glasses"
"Hit it" Blues Brothers Movie. Jake & Elwood.
Damien Saunders (Gunnar Njalsson SCA) Email:u906451@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au
From: cas@csource.oz.au (Craig Sanders)
Sender: acsnet@csource.oz.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: jokes
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1992 10:49:53 +1000

In a msg on <Oct 06 13:50>, Matthew Tew of 3:670/301 writes:

 MT> How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
 MT> A:  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here.  We have tested 
 MT> it thoroughly and can not find anything wrong.  We believe that 
 MT> the problem may exist in special conditions, which we have not 
 MT> been able to reproduce.  
 MT> Have you tried the light switch yet?

Customer's response to tech's question:

"uhhh..  nope, what light switch?  oh, that one on the wall.  hang on a
minute."

<1 minute pause>

"hmmm.  that's odd.  I don't know why, but the light seems to be working now. 
<embarassed silence>.  Well, looks like I solved it myself...thanks for trying
anyway."


(i recall a very similar incident happening to me when I answered a tech support
call regarding a printer which a Professor at Sydney Uni was trying to get
working.  After everything I tried failed, I asked him to make sure that the
power cables were plugged in and turned an at both the wall and the printer.  he
protested, but I asked him to humour me.  A minute later he came back with
something like "hmmm.  that's odd.  I don't know why, but it seems to be working
now........")

Craig

 * Origin: The Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, Victoria, Aust. (3:632/205)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: 11442204@eng2.eng.monash.edu.au (DAVID HSU)
Subject: Jennifer Kyte Poster
Organization: Faculty of Engineering, Monash University 
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 00:21:33 GMT

I don't know if you guys have seen this huge poster, but I've seen it a few 
times around in Melbourne.  The Seven Network news presenter - Jennifer 
Kyte - is sitting there in the news room behind the desk,  and there was 
this slogon next to it: The Best News Melbourne Ever had for 150 years.
(Or something like that) And the FIRST time I saw that poster I couldn't 
help myself asking the friend beside me: 'I didn't know she is dead?'

Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: stuarta@syd.dms.CSIRO.AU (Stuart Andrews)
Subject: Re: Bear joke....
Organization: CSIRO Division of Mathematics and Statistics, Australia
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 00:01:10 GMT


Two guys go hunting bears in the forest. They split up and go their own separate ways. An hour or so later, one hears a loud bang and follows to where the sound came from. He arrives in a clearing to find his mate, trousers down around his knees, f**king a freshly shot bear up the bum...

Hhahahahahah, look at that you pervert, wait till the guys back at the pub here about this boy, you're gonna copy it etc etc etc.

The guy 'doing' the bear calmly picks up his gun and turns and points it at the harrasser: "You ever fuck a bear?" he says...

"ahh er um... No, but I always wanted to!"

G
.
From: rmede@waikato.ac.nz
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Lone ranger joke
Date: 8 Oct 92 15:00:49 +1300
Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand

Well, the Indians finally caught up with the Lone Ranger one day, and about
5000 of them surrounded him & Silver. Oh shit, says LR, now I'm done for. 
He wasn't wrong. The Indians staked him to the ground and poured honey
all over his face. They pulled out a bag of heap 'um big white ants and the
chief of the tribe said " Right LR - you're history dude we're
going to let these loose on your face, but because we're
compassionate Indians, you can have one last request."

"Can I speak to me horse?" says LR. The chief thinks a bit and the agrees.
LR whistles up Silver, and whispers in his ear. Silver gallops off into
the distance.

"So what happens now?" asks the chief. "Can I just have ten minutes,
please...?" says LR. Chief agrees reluctantly.

9 1/2 minute later Silver returns with a gorgeous naked blonde lady on 
board, and comes to s screeching halt. The blonde does a fdouble somersault
and lands on LR's face, and wriggles around for a few minutes.

The Indians are mightily impressed, and ask what else Silver can do.

LR says "Can I speak to me horse again" Indians agree.

Silver comes up to the LR who yells in his ear: "YOU DUMB BASTARD. I ASKED
YOU TO GET ME A BIG *POSSE*"

The chief asks "So what happens now?"
From: marcotte@VSSCAD.enet.dec.com (WE WILL VOTE FOR THE EVIL OF THE TWO LESSERS)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Lada jokes
Date: 7 Oct 92 15:54:43 GMT
Organization: MID RANGE SYSTEMS


In article <1017@dgaust.dg.oz>, agius@dgaust.dg.oz (Jim Agius) writes...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Q. What is the difference between a LADA and a tampon?
> 
> 
> A. A tampon comes with a tow rope.

Marcotte@vsscad.enet.dec.com
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Lone Ranger / Cowboy jokes
From: John.Mcmullan@comp.vuw.ac.nz (John Michael McMullan)
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 08:43:02 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

Three cowboys are captured by Indians. The cheif confronts the first one and
asks him "Death! or Boonda...". The first cowboy decides that nothing can be
worse than death so he says "Boonda". Whereupon the braves in the tribe yell
"Boonda!" and with much yelling and jumping set about the cowboys arse,
leaving him to wander off into the desert with a funny walk.
The second cowboy sees what happens but decides that even though this is pretty
bad he'd rather that than die, "Boonda" he says meekly. The braves yell and
jump up and down "Boonda! Boonda!" before setting about the cowboy's arse.
The last cowboy is a real tough guy and he sees this but decides he'd rather
die than have this happen to him, "Death". The chief raises his staff above
his head and yells "Death..... by Boonda!".
Newsgroups: aus.jokes,aus.jokes.d,aus.flame
From: gja@mullian.ee.mu.oz.au (Grenville Armitage)
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Followup-To: aus.jokes.d
Organization: Basket Weavers, Inc.
Distribution: aus
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 01:08:05 GMT

In article <1992Oct6.235007.27846@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au> s1071828@giaec.cc.monash.edu.au (Matthew Long) writes:
	[..]
>  FUNNY ! - What's the go with all this computer shit? I thought that  this
>  newsgroup was called aus jokes.

Bzzzt! It's aus.jokes, and if you'd read the original
newsgroups line you'd also have realised that rec.humor,
alt.folklore.computers and aus.computers also cracked a mention (no,
don't look, I've changed it for this post). So the content was arguably
appropriate for at least 50% of its distribution.

>  I am a computer student,

who can't leave rec.humor, alt.folklore.computers, and aus.computers
out of his aus.jokes complaint...

>  and having talked to several others,

ooooh! Real Life intrudes! I'm impressed. Or was it talk(1)ed?

>  I have found a common reply reguarding your 'funny'
>  computer jokes.

"They're 'funny' computer jokes" ?

>  THEY ARE ABSOULUTLY FUCKED!! 

Oh.

>  A person who had  never logged on to this system before

Read "someone who has no idea about USENET"....

>  was reading aus jokes

accidentally fired up a newsreader, and looked for the first newsgroup
name simple enough to understand...

>  and commented that the  people who wrote this crap must be complete 
>  wankers without any life.

and was most disappointed to see computer dweebs drowning out the
vastly more edifying tits'n'bums'n'toilet-wall humour they'd hoped
to find....

>  Does anyone apart from the minority who write this drivel find it funny?

Who cares? 

>  How about some decent jokes.

Yeah. You first.

Ob-bad-joke:

Jung'f gur fvzvynevgl orgjrra oebppbyv naq chovp unve?

Lbh nyjnlf chfu gurz nfvqr naq xrrc rngvat.

Have nice talk(1) with your friends.

gja
From: jem@latcs1.lat.oz.au (Joan McGalliard)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Stairway to Heaven
Date: 11 Oct 92 02:10:37 GMT
Organization: Australian Computing and Communications Institute

In article <993800055@peg.pegasus.oz.au> beam@peg.pegasus.oz.au writes:
>
>i seem to recall rory the abc musical fellow from auntie jack fame doing
>a version on one show.

Rory O'Donahue.

I've got that on tape - it is too broken up to go on a CD, 
but it is truely wonderful.  It is in the Com'on-Aussie
style with Andrew D. wearing a Driazabone (sp?), waving a
flag infront of projections of Ayres rock and surf life
savers etc shouting "Come on Australia"

joan

ObHumourousQuote:

"Is she really pretty, or does she just look pretty?"

Steven Wright, Next Stop Hollywood.
-- 
 "It's better to live on your     Joan McGalliard, 
  feet than to die on your        Australian Computing and 
  knees."                         Communications Institute.
                                  (borrowing latcs1)
From: agius@dgaust.dg.oz (Jim Agius)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Lada jokes
Date: 7 Oct 92 10:46:01 GMT
Organization: Data General Australia





 Q. What is the difference between a LADA and a tampon?


 A. A tampon comes with a tow rope.
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
From: uhschreg@cip.informatik.uni-erlangen.de (Ulrich Schreglmann)
Subject: Re: The TCWF
Organization: Student Pool, CSD, University of Erlangen, Germany
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1992 10:38:04 GMT

cam@syzygy.DIALix.oz.au (Cameron Newham) writes:

>while I'm here, a joke:

>Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

Well, how DO you? C'mon, c'mon, it's killing me, arrgh! Pleeze, answer!


May the Cool Return to Me! (Like the Time I Was in that Stupor.)

(C)OOL mcmxcii
From: beam@peg.pegasus.oz.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Re: Stairway to Heaven (was Re: As
Date: 9 Oct 92 17:35:00 GMT
Nf-ID: #R:1992Sep29.070426.28553@tplrd.tpl:-1538366492:peg:993800055:000:254
Nf-From: peg.pegasus.oz.au!beam    Oct  9 12:35:00 1992


my favourite one was the wipper snappers. it's just the pits that TISM didn't
get to do one. oh well...

can anyone rember the versions that didn't make it?

i seem to recall rory the abc musical fellow from auntie jack fame doing
a version on o
From: s305072@parasol.cs.uq.oz.au (Mark Anderson)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d
Subject: Re: How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
Date: 9 Oct 92 13:37:43 GMT
Organization: Computer Science, Queensland Uni, Australia

>>>>Red button that could blow the earth to the shit house than the Americans ?
 tjdavis wrote:
>This question shows the absolute ignorance of some people.  Americans are
>NOT a race.  I would suggest that based on the obvious lack of intelligence,
>the individual asking the question is not worthy of being trusted with a
>'Big Red' button.

Race , Shmace  . The impportant point i believe is that the Americans have
got to be the most dangerous country around due to the fact that there people
are so ignorant of the surrounding world . To take for example the news show
'The American World News' , this program contained half an hour of news in the
US or directly relating to the US , like Americans in the Gulf or Americans in
Yugoslavia .  Their country has more ignorance in it than in Australia , for
example only 1 in 10 americans could point to the Middle East on a world map
before the gulf war and now 8 in 10 can . NOW remember this is the country
who has become the self declared world police force . When visiting the US
2 years ago some of the locals remarked how well i could speak english , i then
proceded to ask them why they thought so , and they responded that they thought
we spoke FRENCH . 

JOKE: The problem with the shuttle disaster was it only killed seven americans!

 Hands.
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d
From: Your Name Here <NetID@cornell.edu>
Subject: Re: How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
X-Xxdate: Fri, 9 Oct 92 11: 34:46 GMT
Nntp-Posting-User: tnb1@cornell.edu
Organization: Cornell University
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d7
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1992 16:30:44 GMT

In article <johnd.718501648@cortex.physiol.su.oz.au> John Dodson,
johnd@physiol.su.OZ.AU writes:
>If the US Military do this kind of thing so regularly (list of other
unprovoked
>- Red Button pushes deleted) perhaps they need to get out of an arms
"race" in
>which there are now few other competitors, certainly they need to have
tighter
>controls on the more dangerous "toys" these kiddies play with. Perhaps
they
>should make the Red Buttons a bit smaller for them.

A lot of us would be happier with smaller red buttons for the US Navy. 
When they need to shut down the whole service for a safety lecture, as
they have done before, you wonder about their training.  Paying big bucks
to have these nincompoops running around blowing people up at random
doesn't make us Americans feel pleased.  The present administration's
policy seems to be that we should look at all the jobs it creates to
replace the ammunition!
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d
From: thos@suite.sw.oz.au (Thomas Cohen)
Subject: Re: How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
Organization: Softway Pty Ltd
Date:  7 Oct 92 21:40:49 GMT

In <14902@goanna.cs.rmit.oz.au> lc@goanna.cs.rmit.oz.au (leon) writes:

>In article <1992Oct5.070936.7965@cltr.uq.OZ.AU> mattd@cltr.uq.oz.au (Matthew Deshon) writes:
>>johnd@physiol.su.OZ.AU (John Dodson) writes:
>>
>>>PS: Can anybody think of a race on earth they would least trust with a Big
>>>Red button that could blow the earth to the shit house than the Americans ?
>>
>>Yes: any muslim fundamentalist you care to name.  

>Yusef Islam ?

Nope, he's as bad as the rest of them, if not by deed, by acceptance.
I dunno if you saw it, but there was a 'Hypothetical' based on the 
Salman Rushdie affair, and he was on the panel. When asked whether 
he would shelter the Rushdie figure or kill him, he replied to the
effect that he would offer him shelter and then call Muslims who could
come and do something about it. He wasn't particularly inflammatory, 
but he left no doubt in anyone's mind that he placed Islamic law above
any national law.

regards,
-- 
thos cohen  				       |Softway Pty Ltd
"Detachment of any of the four wheels adversely|ACSnet:         thos@softway.oz
 affects vehicle stability..." -               |UUCP: ...!uunet!softway.oz!thos
 National Highway Traffic Safety Administration|Internet:    thos@softway.oz.au
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d
From: fraser@munta.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Fraser Wilson)
Subject: Re: How many US navy men does it take to change a light bulb ?
Organization: Computer Science, University of Melbourne, Australia
Distribution: aus
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 00:03:57 GMT

lc@goanna.cs.rmit.oz.au (leon) writes:

>Yusef Islam ?

Ride on the Peace Train!

(Actually, I thought that burning his records was a bit pathetic,
but there seems to be a precedent for that sort of shit in the US)

(Who are, yet again, about to get the president they deserve)

(Not that this should be construed as anti-US xenophobia)

Fraser.
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d
From: miphilli@gucis.cit.gu.edu.au (Michael Phillips)
Subject: culture (was: How many US navy men ... etc)
Organization: Griffith University, Brisbane, Australia.
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 92 02:09:17 GMT

it is generally accepted (well from the books that i have read anyway)
that societies in isolation tend to stagnate. aus aborigines can yell
and scream all they want about land rights and what have you but i think
that they should wake up and smell the coffee. if i went to the government
and said "i am an indigenous australian give me some land" they would 
laugh in my face and tell me to piss off (politely (maybe if i was lucky))
btw i am descended from the one of the guys from the first lot of prison
ships. i am not really into the genealogy. anyway ....
and they (the gov) should. if i want land i must work for it.
simple as that. the aborigines are simply looking for a free ride.
i think that the best way to illustrate the point is with a scene 
from crocodile dundee when mick is talking to sue in the outback.

mick:"see that rock. it's been there for the last 40 million years.
      it will still be there long after you and i are gone. so arguing
      over who owns it. it's like two fleas arguing over who owns the
      the dog they live on."

not verbatim but you get the picture hopefully.
aboriginal culture has stagnated. it needed new life to get it give it 
the opportunity to grow again. unfortunately, maybe the culture has been
choked by the larger (not necessarily better) culture and that is
unfortunate but ...

change can be good and it can (definitely) be bad but i think that it
undeniably necessary. one day my culture will change (assuming that
a: my culture can be defined adequately (mr connors?) and b: the new one
as well) and maybe my decendants will spew blood but that's the way it goes
that's the name of the game. 

well i will now go and listen to some N.W.A so have a nice day.
fig.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- "If something can go wrong, it will."                                   --
--                                           Murphy's Law.                 --
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: aus.jokes.d