From: das@media.mit.edu (David Sheppard)
Subject: Re: Stuck stuck stuck . . .
Organization: MIT Media Laboratory
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 19:45:24 GMT

In article <1993Jan8.173919.1@vax2.winona.msus.edu> pooder@vax2.winona.msus.edu writes:
>I'm stuck.
>The same feelings keep coming back and coming back. [The grief...]
>The guilt, though, isn't something I'm getting used to -- or could. 
>
There is nothing you can do now which will change the past.  In the
present, you can only make or break your own life, by how you choose
to deal with our feelings and memories.  Do you choose life, or do you
continue to mourn over death?  Yes, you must mourn until your mourning
is complete, but this must be a flow, not a stuck, repeating rut.

> [...]  But it mostly feels like the hurt is
>too deep and I won't be able to recover and go on any more.
>
>The despair is so often and so deep.  I keep repeating the same
>useless things.  "WHY"  "WHAT IF"  "IF ONLY"  How could
>I have missed something as big as a train.  A goddam train.....   
>

How?  Doesn't matter.  Nor do the "what if" and "only if"s matter.
They rarely do.  Youhave asked the WHY, and further asking is
meaningless--the only useful outcome now is to HEAR THE ANSWER.  
But to hear you have to listen, to be silent, to quiet your internal
screaming and be still, still enough to hear what your higher
consciousness has to say, what Bonnie wants to say, what God/dess has
to say to you.  You can't hear when you are screaming inside.

>And I keep repeating OVER and OVER and OVER 
>    I'M SORRY    I'M SORRY    I"M SORRY
>
Every being within light years who listens already knows that
you are sorry.  Time to get unstuck and go on the the next step.
You will stay in your current anguish until you get choose to 
go on and face the fear of that next step into the unknown--

>But Bonnie just isn't there to hear me.  To assure me.  
>To tell me it's OK like I know she would if she could.
>
Bonnie *IS* there, but not *here*.  The part of Bonnie that is 
eternal, that is indestructable, is with the Divine presence.
She certainly hears you.  Do you think she wants you to live the
rest of your life in agony?  I don't think so.  The love you share
with her is also eternal, and reaches beyond the confines of an
individual life.  From her vantage point, being able to see all time
at once, all circumstances, do you think she blames you?  NO! She 
can see all that caused and participated in the circumstances.
She participated herself.  Sure, you were "legally responsible"
for driving, but she could have noticed the train herself and said
"Honey, slow down!"  A second either way would have made a difference.
I'm not trying to shift "blame" here, I'm try to release the blame
judgement all together.  I don't feel that it does you any good.

She wasn't powerless while she was alive, and isn't now, and 
NEITHER ARE YOU.  We all have some array of choice at all times.
Sounds to me like you don't need blame, you need responsibility.
You were innatentive to not see the train, and one message is this:
PAY ATTENTION!  This is probably only part of the complex lesson
of your experience, but it's loud and clear to me.  Pay attention
to your feelings, your surroundings, the choices open to you; the
actions you choose or avoid.  The cnsequences of what you choose to
do or not do.  Take responsibility for where you are ***NOW***!
Worrying about the past is an escape; it robs you of your choices
in the PRESENT.  And you desperately need to choose.

Even in the process of dying, many people choose whether to 
survive or not--read some near-death studies like "Heading Towards
Omega" by Kenneth Ring, for example.  Our souls relax into the 
warmth and love of the Creator, and decide whether it is the proper
time to depart that lifetime or not.  In other cases, there may not 
be enough reason (or choice) to keep the body alive, but their soul
will persist nearby to "finish business", typically to communicate 
to their most loved ones that they--the deceased--are joyful, safe,
and that the love that was still lives on.  After they deliver their
message, they are free to join again with the Creator, the love that
lights the universe itself.  Understanding and love lead to release 
and freedom.

You need this understanding, Love and release.  You must give it
to yourself, as no one else can authentically forgive your soul.
Their judgements are *theirs*, even though you may or may not like
them. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, and world-renowned expert on death and
dying, discovered that in the process of reviewing their life at
the time of death, *poeple create their own Heaven or Hell*.
Your judgement of yourself, in its deepest and most complete and 
enlightened form, *is* the Judgement of the Creator.  So forgive
yourself: show divine mercy, and release yourself from Hell.
Work toward bringing love into your own life and those around you.

It sounds to me like Bonnie already has forgiven you--from what you
describe, in her last moments, she was peaceful, she expressed her
love for you and for her son.  In this world is one of suffering and
tumultuous action, and you desperately need some of the peace that
Bonnie and the Creator have for you.  And once you are in that peace,
even for a moment, you can share it.

Speak to her.  Speak to your higher power(s), God or Goddess, as
you feel drawn.  When you are sincere and quiet enough, you will hear
what they have to say.   There is boundless Love for you, and this
Love does NOT want you to spend the rest of your life in misery.
Take a deep look, and choose between Fear and Love.  If you can
find the courage, you will face your fears and choose love.

In time, you will return to life and love, you will find peace,
and you will learn the lessons that this hard experience brings.
You have already paid dearly for these lessons, do not refuse the
wisdom and understandings which will unfold for you in the present
and in your years to come.  

Bit by bit, understanding by understanding, prayer by prayer,
you will grow back into a richer life than you ever knew existed.
You have felt the depths of pain, and this has torn you open;
now, your challenge is to let life in through this opening, not
to seal it up with scar tissue.  Feel for the love that Bonnie
still has for you--it is there, as sure as the sun rises.
Also accept the love of those around you.  Accept, accept everything
in your life.  Then and then only can you begin to live, and begin
to change things in the PRESENT that you *choose* to change.

Always remember, there is a lot of love out there for you,
and all you have to do is to truly open and let it in.

Peace and understanding to you, friend,

--dave		(das dave,   das@media.mit.edu)