From: oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil)
Subject: Re: Argh! Total, Complete misery.
Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 12:19:24 GMT

pally@mikejag.wimsey.bc.ca (Pally Hoffstein) writes:

>In article <1992Nov5.220941.15558@galileo.cc.rochester.edu> jsmt@troi.cc.rochester.edu (Julia Smith) writes:
>>In article <oneil.720774124@cwis> oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil) writes:
>>>
>>>There's something that is very attractive about self-confident people.
>>>If you keep yourself in misery, you'll never meet anyone else. ... 
>>>
>>Actually, this isn't true.  If you are totally miserable all the time
>>and have fatally low self-esteem, you will still run into the occasional
>>masochistic soul who will love you devotedly.  And you will hate him
>>for it.  After all, how could he love someone so totally worthless
>>as yourself?  What's wrong with him, anyway?
>>   It's a recipe for massive pain, but not an uncommon one.  And definately
>>definately worth avoiding!
>> 

>It seems established that miserable people with low self-esteem will not find
>a happy relationship. But if you can't meet anyone or get a relationship going
>how do you develope self-esteem? It's seems like a trap, a catch-22 situation.
>You need some results to develope self-esteem and some self-esteem to develope
>results.
>How does one break out of this cycle?

Actually, I've been through this breakup thing twice.  That is to say, I've
had two serious relationships and both of them ended with the other person 
deciding to move on.  The first relationship lasted just over a year.  The
second lasted over four years.

But when the first relationship ended I was a lot more miserable.  Maybe it's
because I was younger and because it was the first time I'd gone through such
pain.  I must have spent at least a year, if not longer, being miserable 
about that breakup.  Finally, I came to realize that my life was actually
pretty good and it wasn't so bad to be on my own and single.  I looked around
and realized I had a lot of good friends and that I was doing very well in
school and that I had a lot of interesting things to do.  But it took me a 
while to realize this.

I think the best way to break out of the cycle is to get involved in life
and do things -- to keep busy.  Even if you don't have a Significant Other,
you can get out and go places and do things and meet people and just make
friends with others.

I have to admit that the last breakup was one that I saw coming a long way 
off but didn't want to admit it.  I allowed myself about a week to wallow
in self-pity.  And then I jumped back into life by making changes that I 
had been thinking about for a while but never got around to doing.  

Soon afterward, I did meet someone I really do like.  But I'm not sure what
will happen yet.  My intention, however, is to continue to get my happiness
from myself and not from him or anyone else.  I just don't think it is good
to only be happy because you are with someone.  Even if they are the most
wonderful human being, I still think that people need to be happy with them-
selves.  

This is not to say that you should be cold and cut off from the person 
that you are involved with.  I don't think that at all.  It's just that
you need to be sure of yourself before you can be sure of someone else.

>Pally Hoffstein
>Vancouver, Canada
>-- 
>Television permits many millions     |   I threw bitter tears at the ocean, 
>of people to share a joke and to     |   But all that came back was the tide.
>still be lonely. - T.S. Eliot        | 		- Sarah McLachlan
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharon
oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu