From: oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil)
Subject: Re: A question about women driving
Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 05:33:11 GMT

farthing@leland.Stanford.EDU (ljf) writes:

>I spent the holidays with my family and got to talking to my mother
>about this topic.

>What has happened, though, is that my dad has gotten so that he never
>wants my mother to drive.  He drives them to church, shopping, when
>they go on trips, everywhere.  It's gotten to the point that he drives
>my mom even to the hair salon and sits in the car waiting for her.
>They have two cars, a sedan and a station wagon.  The sedan is an
>automatic so she has no trouble driving it.  The few times when she's
>mentioned that she should be driving some, my dad has said that the
>man should drive when they're together.  When she's said that she
>should go by herself, he always says that he doesn't mind and drives
>her where she needs to go.
>I don't suppose that this would be a problem except that my mother
>appears to be losing confidence about her ability to drive and go
>places by herself.  I don't really understand this, but that's the way
>it appears.

>I'm curious about a couple of things.  Do any soc.women posters or
>readers see this happening to them or their parents?  My mom says that
>she knows several women where she works who have the same problem
>with their husbands.  Secondly, does anyone have any helpful advice?

Yes.  This is the story of my life.  My dad has always insisted upon
driving whenever he and my mother go anywhere.  Now, my mom does drive
and she has her own car.  But whenever the two of them go anywhere, he
has always insisted upon driving.

Driving was always some big power trip in my family.  And my mother 
*completely* resisted my learning how to drive until THIS year.  (I am
twenty-five.)  When I was 16 and 17 and absolutely begging to learn how
to drive, my mother was so furious with the idea that I might actually
learn how to drive that I just gave up even asking.  I went away to
college not knowing how to drive.

This is the first year that I've had access to a car and so I learned 
how to drive.  But it makes me SO FURIOUS sometimes that I had to wait
this long.  I was financially dependent upon them as an undergrad and
had no way to get the money to get a car on my own.  It would have made
life a LOT easier.  

Most of all, I felt completely disempowered as a person.  I had to 
depend upon my parents or my boyfriend to drive me places.  And when I did
get an apartment at my old college, I had to restrict myself to going 
places where the bus went and also to the hours the bus ran.  I couldn't
go out after dark because it wasn't safe to walk.

>The few times my mom has asserted herself, my dad has been offended
>and sulked.  He seems to think he's just being nice and he's being
>mistreated for his kindness.  My dad stays busy with his churchwork
>and his hobbies, so I don't think boredom is the problem.  My parents
>have a very good relationship for the most part, but this seems to be
>really bothering my mother.

I'm sorry.  I think it is a power thing.

You know, as I think about it, neither of my grandmother's drive either.
My paternal grandmother quit driving when my dad criticized her driving.
My maternal grandmother, I'm not sure if she /ever/ actually drove.

Not that my dad is a jerk or anything.  He's just a worrywart and doesn't
like to have my mom drive when he's in the car.  But it made my mom 
want to control my access to the car.

It's so stupid how people will act sometimes.  My (hypothetical) child
will learn how to drive as soon as s/he is old enough for a permit to learn.

That's all there is to it.

Sharon
oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu

Newsgroups: soc.women,soc.men,alt.feminism,talk.abortion