From: SG.MML@isumvs.iastate.edu (M. Loughin)
Subject: Re: Yet another sleepless night
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 17:16:34 GMT

In article <1992Jul20.222957.25887@kakwa.ucs.ualberta.ca>,
aaron@space.ualberta.ca (Aaron Humphrey) writes:
>SG.MML@isumvs.iastate.edu (M. Loughin) writes:
>[Stuff Deleted]
>: Again, this is not my perception.  I (wrongly)
>: tend to have equally negative thoughts for either spouse who chooses
>: to stay home.  I am overcoming this prejudice, as I now begin to
>: realize the importance of have at least one parent spend large
>: amounts of time with their children, necessitating stalling that
>: parent's career.

I was wondering if someone would pounce on this!!! :-)

>"I find this a very interesting statement, Marie.  What exactly do you find
>negative about a husband or wife who stays home while his/her partner works?
>Sure, I guess that the stay-at-home can be considered a financial leech on the
>worker.  I could point out that there >is< a lot of regular maintenance work
>to be done around the average home, but that's probably much too obvious to be
>worth saying in any detail.

The reason for my prejudice in this: my mother was a
housewife.  She was not a good one.  She was very good at raising
children, but the home maintenance aspect was *not* her thing.
When we reached high school, she wanted to start a career.  My
Dad, being old-fashioned, did not approve, but reluctantly
agreed.  Unfortunately, my mom had lost many of her skills and
some of her capacity to think in an environment outside the home,
so her career did not last long.  Now she is somewhat bitter,
because she feels that she has spent her whole life doing for
other people, and has never really accomplished much for herself,
or made her "dent" in the world.  It is unfortunate that she feels
this way.  Anyway, with such an unhappy example as a role-model, I
decided at a young age that being a housewife was a lousy job.
This grew into a subconsious feeling that people are house-spouses
because they cannot do anything better with their lives.  Hence
my prejudice.

At any rate, as more of my friends have had children and I've
watched the child-care struggle, and the difficulty people have
with their children because they are unable to spend enough
time with them, and the alienation of the up-and-coming
child-care generation, I have begun to have very strong feelings
going the *other* way:  a parent should stay home and take
care of the kids, at least until they are in grade school.
It is the best way to make sure they are raised with the values
you feel are important.  That's what I mean by "overcoming
that prejudice."  (Of course, I realize that not everyone is
financially able or emotionally suited to staying home.  This is
really a matter of personal choice.  But I am trying to establish
*my* beliefs on the matter.)

>"'Staying home' is a bit vague, too.  My wife would like to be able to stay
>home and be supported by me--but she's a writer, and she'd like to write full-
>time.  Does that fall into the category of 'staying home'?  How about a lot of
>freelancers?  Don't they tend to work at home?  Or running an office out of
>one's home?  Does that count, too?

I don't count "working out of the home" as being a house-spouse.
Obviously, you are still trying to maintain a career.

>"I'll presume you mean 'staying home, being unproductive'.  I'd do this if I
>could--if I was independently wealthy, and could maintain that wealth with no
>undue effort on my part.  (Ah--fantasy.)  But that's just a result of my
>choice of leisure-time activities.  Almost all of the things I do in the
>evenings to amuse myself can be done best at home, and can be considered
>unproductive.  But you would consider this a heinous act if I did this while
>being supported by my wife, if I didn't have the excuse of children or some
>kind of stay-at-home job?  Is that what you're saying?

That's between you and your wife.  However, if you were just
staying home, reading books, eating bon bons, and occasionally
doing a dish or two, then I would have a hard time respecting you.
If you were trying to write or be an artist, or some such, then
great!  And it's great that you have a supportive spouse.
Would you be happy at age, say, 50, if you looked back on life
and realized that all you tried to accomplish was reading some
books, making friends on the net, and playing role-playing games? I
wouldn't, but that's a personal thing.  And personal values
determine respect.

>"Being a naturally lazy person, I must say that I can't come out wholly in
>favour of any scheme that involves too wholesale a sacrifice of leisure time
>for work.  I forget who it was who wrote the essay 'In Pursuit of Leisure',
>where he claimed(I don't know if this is accurate or not)that if everyone
>worked a four-hour day, then the same amount of work would get done, and
>everyone would have much more leisure time than they do now.

I wouldn't sacrifice leisure for work, on a regular basis, either.
I think there is a balance.

--Marie
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