From: saab@ais.org (Micheal Marks)
Subject: Parts Unkninown Gorillas: Season-end report and stats.
Organization: UMCC
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 07:42:19 GMT

    Hello.  This is the season-end report and statistics for the Parts
Unknown Gorillas, an Ice Hockey team in the World electronic Hockey League.
The team is made up of various Professional Wrestlers, Announcers, and
other important people related to r.s.pw.  As this is a "fluff"
post, I will put in a control-L so you may skip this if such things
seem a waste of time.
 
^L
 
    Glad you stuck around.  The 40-game regular season concluded
Sunday the 5th,  and the Gorillas made it into the playoffs with
a 20-14-6 record.   Head Coach Bobby Heenan (who was fired after
Game 13, then rehired after game 20, at which point all records
were changed to erase all mention of Heenan's Firing, effectively
ensuring that it Never Happened) was delighted with the play
of the "ham-and-eggers", as he calls them, in the last five games
when the Gorillas clinched a playoff berth, and spoke with
team play-by-play announcer and mascot Gorilla Monsoon.
 
Gorilla: Are you pleased now?  You pulled your starters, hurt the
         integrity of the league, and still lucked out and got
         a playoff spot.  Are you going to get serious now?
 
Bobby: You told me you wouldn't yell at me any more.  I don't have
       to take this.  I'm the coach, you treat me with respect
       or you'll be out on the street like that (snaps fingers)
 
Gorilla:  Please.  Do you even have a clue what kind of lineup
          you're going to use in the first round?  Do you
          have a clue, period?
 
Bobby:  Of course I do.  I'm the Brain, right?  Like I told you
        before, any game that Canadians are good at HAS to be
        easy.  And I proved it.  Give these guys some sticks,
        go over and clothsline the guy with the mask, and
        put the rubber thing in the net.  Easy Money.
 
Gorilla:  You're disgusting.
 
Bobby:  Thank you (laughs up a storm as he walks off)
 
 
Here's the season stats:
 
 
                           GOALTENDERS
 
 
             GOALS SAVES SAVPC  GAMES  GAA   NAME
               54   629    92     26  2.08   Randy Savage
               28   407    93     10  2.80   Midnight Rider
               13    77    85      4  3.25   Black Scorpion
                0     0     0      0  0.00   Masked Terror
 
              SAVPC=Save %   GAA=Goals allowed per game
 
The goaltending was brillant all season long, as Savage time and
time again made the big save.  His lightning reflexes and willingness
to throw elbows in the corners were the keys to his success.  Dusty, er,
the Midnight Rider was more than capable as the backup goalie.  Showing
amazing quickness for such a big man, his elbow checks in the goal
crease, as well as his "funky like a monkey" speeches during inter-
missions, became near-legendary as the season progressed.   The Scorpion
played well in limited action, but not enough to secure a spot on the
playoff roster.  The identity of the Scorpion remains a mystery even
to his teammates, although the most popular rumor has Vince McMahon
himself wearing the pads for the team.  The truth may never be
known.  The Masked Terror was the practice target, er, goalie, and
was usually injured in some form or other as the players practiced
their intimidation tactics on him.  His name was never released
to spare embarrassment for relatives.
 
 
                        STARTERS  ROSTER
 
 
               GOALS ASST PTS  +/- SHOT PEN  NAME
                  5    8  13    1   39   6   Animal
                  5    6  11    4   41   9   Hawk
                  8    7  15    8   48   5   Hulk Hogan
                  8    8  16    4   58  10   Bret Hart
                  6    8  14    7   65   2   Owen Hart
                  3    6   9    0   26   6   Jim Neidhart
                 11   10  21   12   78   6   Ric Flair
                  1    4   5   -1   33   2   Cactus Jack
                  7   10  17    6   52   6   Lex Luger
                  7   15  22    6   56   8   Sting
                  5    9  14    3   51   8   Barry Windham
                  5    4   9    5   51   5   Arn Anderson
                  8   11  19   -1   49   4   Curt Henning
                  5    2   7   -1   27   0   Chico Santana
                  2    4   6   -3   23   2   Dustin Rhodes
                  0    1   1   -9    6   1   Andre the Giant Goon
                  2    3   5    0   17   0   Sgt. Slaughter
                  9   10  19    1   68   6   Scott Steiner
                  5    5  10    0   37   1   Rick Steiner
                  2    8  10   -2   32   1   Shawn Micheals
 
ASST=Assists  +/-=Plus/Minus Rating.  Basically you get a point for being
on the ice when your team scores, and a minus if the other team scores.
PEN=Penalties
 
Also Jim Neidhart was suspended for 3 games for shoulder-blocking a ref,
Hawk for 2 games for entering the opposing bench to "discuss" some
action out on the ice, and Hulk Hogan for 2 games for "accidentally"
(so he says) delivering a size 16 Big Skate to an opponent.
 
The defense of the team was outstanding.  A game with the Gorillas
meant a physcial contest, with lots of heavy hitting and intimidation.
Suprisingly, the Gorillas were the least-penalized team in the league
(and all penalties are resolved by penalty shot in the WeHL).  The
key is that the players know how to hit you LEGALLY, and resort to
cheating only when they know they can get away with it or when it is
necessary.  The offense, however, was not good at all.  There were many
3-2 games, wins and losses.  The players like to hit and rough it up
so much that they are not skilled in the finer points of the game,
like shooting the puck and skating and other such things.  For the
most part, it hasn't made much difference, although experts believe
the Gorillas will get routed by a team in the playoffs if they
can play hockey, as opposed to Brawling, Sticks included.
 
The MVP of the season has to be the Nature Boy himself, Ric Flair.
The team captain (earned after a Pearl-Harbor of the former
captain, Hulk Hogan), Flair has been the catalyst of the Gorillas
both on offense and defense.  The league learned quick that
trying to skate around Flair earned you a chop to the face and a
seat on the ice.  The defensive tandem of Hawk and Animal earned
their LOD titles as opponents increasingly took longer and longer
shots, not willing to cut toward the net or dig in the corners
with them.  The Hulkster did well, but not as well as expected
in the pre-season.  The Captain incident and a stint in the minors
were distractions all year long.  However, coming off the suspension,
Hogan has promised to the bring the WeHL trophy home for all the
little Gorillas in Parts Unknown.
 
 
                           HAM AND EGGERS
 
 
                  1    0   1   -5   11   2   Marty Janetty
                  3    1   4    1    8   2   Brian Pillman
                  0    0   0   -2    3   3   Steve DiSalvo
                  0    2   2   -2    2   2   Randy Hogan
                  0    2   2    1    1   1   Craig DeGeorge
                  1    3   4    1    6   2   Sean Mooney
                  0    3   3    1    1   1   Tony Schvionante
                  0    0   0   -5    5   0   Sean Ryan
                  1    1   2   -5    9   0   Herb Kunze
                  0    1   1   -5    7   2   John Price
 
For the most part these guys spent the entire season in the minors, except
for the last 5 games.  Overall, they went 1-3-1, which is one win and
one tie more that most people thought they would earn.  Pillman was
the only player to distinguish himself, and the only player to earn
a playoff roster spot from this group.  The announcers seemed to
enjoy the opportunity to rough it up with the players and played
better than expected.  The r.s.pw'ers, well, Herb gets a cookie for
the goal, but they just can't stay on the ice with the big boys. :)
 
Overall, the Gorillas were the top defensive team in the league,
and near the bottom on offense.  Its said in hockey that defense
wins games, but offense wins championships.  This team will put
that to the test.  Overall, a successful season, and a shot
at the title.  And a Goalie MVP for Savage in the All-Star
Game too.  His Goaltending Uniform is one-of-a-kind!  Oh yeah!
 
If people don't yell at me for this post, I'll put Playoff Game
Reports if anyone cares.  I'll also put Parts Unknown Gorillas:
in the Subject line for those who want this stuff in a kill file.
 
Hope someone enjoyed this.  Thanks for reading.  And Sean, Herb,
and John, I did it for fun, not to make fun of you.  Hope you
don't take it the wrong way :)
 
MDM
Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling