From: alan@osf.org (Alan Hamilton)
Subject: Re: being "in love"
Organization: Open Software Foundation
Date: 7 Oct 92 13:10:18

eleanor@cbnews.cb.att.com writes
> [discussion of whether to come out to older sister and mother]
> So, what's my obligation, here?

None.


> Have I a moral duty to advance the cause?

You get to decide whether this is a step that *you* *want* to take.
Changing society for the better, in whatever areas you choose, is a
good thing, but as *your* choice, not anyone else's.

Most of us who have decided to do the work to change the world have
been told a lot of "shoulds" about it.  One is that we don't deserve
to enjoy ourselves until all the world changing work is done and
everyone is well provided for.  Another is that we should do it in a
particular way (usually the way recommended by someone else), even if
we don't enjoy it.  In the long term, this is an unworkable way to go
about it.  If you don't enjoy what you are doing (at least most of the
time), you won't accomplish as much as if you are doing something that
you enjoy.

If you want to change the world, think about what you want to
accomplish and *lots* of ways to accomplish it.  Then pick some
combination of things that seems workable and at least reasonably
enjoyable.  Enjoyable may not mean "fun while you are doing it",
though there is nothing wrong with that, either.  For example, digging
ditches isn't necessarily fun, but it can be intensely enjoyable to
watch in exhaustion as withered crops come to life, or to watch the
smouldering-out of the relentless descruction of a forest fire.

Remember also that large, permanent changes in the social fabric take
time.  Things start to change slowly, but as you increase the number
of people, both members of the oppressed group and allies, working
together to remind people that the oppression is wrong and unhelpful
to society and to everyone in it, things move faster and faster.  This
has been true specifically in G/L liberation and in Bi liberation.  I
don't think it serves our long range world change purposes well if we
wear ourselves out in the short term, accomplishing short term goals,
but are not around to lead and do the work on our long term goals.


> And would coming out to my mother, in fact, have that effect??

Maybe, maybe not.

If your mother decides to become a crusading ally for all Lesbian/Bi/
Gay people, your coming out to her may lead to big changes in the
world.  (It _could_ happen!)  On the other hand, she may decide that
it is fine for you to be Bi, but that she wants to put her energy into
something else, which is also important to her.  That is *her*
decision, just as deciding how much of *your* energy to put into which
liberation movements is *your* decision.

There is a tendency in the Lesbian/Bi/Gay communities to view coming
out as the only significant strategy in making changes in the world.
I think this is because we spend so much of our lives in terror of
being found out and destroyed by bashers that we can't think of
anything else to do, except put our lives on the line every minute
of every day.  Because of this undercurrent of terror of everyone
else in society, we tend to build ghettos for ourselves so that we
don't have close relationships with many people who aren't LBG.  

I think we will have to change that, if we are to accomplish the major
shift in LBG liberation that we want.  We will need to build
relationships with unions, build relationships with professional
groups, build relationships with racial and cultural liberation
movements, and build relationships with as many other kinds of groups
as we can think of.  We will need to build support in our community
for their liberation movements, show up at their rallies and
demonstrations, and then they will show up for ours.

These are practical things that *someone* will have to do before our
liberation movement can be said to be close to accomplishing its long
range goal of completely eliminating the oppression of people as
bisexual, and of completely eliminating the oppression of anyone who
is bisexual on any basis whatsoever (as blacks, as puerto ricans, as
women, as men, as working class, as survivors or rape or incest, etc.)

However, none of these is a moral obligation.  *You* get to choose
what *you* want to do.  Others can tell you their own best thinking
and you can build yours on top of that, but act on *your* own
thinking, and enjoy what you do!

-Alan
Newsgroups: soc.bi