From: root@rgm.com (Ray Mendonsa)
Subject: Shopping Cart Mayhem
Organization: RGM *nix - Sacramento, CA
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 11:41:33 GMT


Here's an old file created by a user on my system about a year ago.

Ridiculously funny. . .
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     Scam\/\/ay Upl\/ne                                   Lore Seeker
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                            Shopping Cart Mayhem
                                  8\17\91

   
   Your host tonight  ->    Lore Seeker 
                            Duh! Project Member

     It's so hard to find good help these days. Use this to your advantage,
comrades. Picture this. Mr. Stalin, manager of StikiDick Inc. tells his
loyal peon to go out into the dark parking lot and fetch 6 billion shopping
carts. Stalin then recites some stupid fucking training film he saw and
tells Gus (The Loyal Peon) that each cart costs $10,450.38 and they ALL must
be recovered or else. Well, not even Gus is stupid enough to believe that
outrageous price but tells Stalin OK. Fortunately for you, Gus is a lazy
ass mother fucker. He goes outside and collects four or five of them so 
Stalin thinks he's busy and then finds a dark corner in the parking lot
and wacks off for several minutes. Then they go home and that's when the fun
begins.
 
     Wait until late, of course. It's your turf though. If your ruthless
as you say you are, you know the best times to perform heinous activities.
Proceed to any store that has shopping carts. Stores connected to malls
are best because of the huge parking lots. But any or all will do. Cruise 
around and make sure no cops or rent-a-cops are buttfucking or eating donuts.
They like to park in dark places and play touchy-feelsy to Barry Manilow
songs. Anyway, when the coast is clear, find THE VICTIM! Any shopping cart 
will do. Pull up next to it. I am assuming that you are the driver. Your
Partner in Crime is in the passenger seat. He must wrap his hand with 
something or wear a thick glove. He grabs the four-wheeled little gem with
a power grip and you slowly, but surely accelerate. Now, here's where the
strategy comes in. What are you going to hit? Let your imagination fly
 (or roll). Here's some successful missions that were hella fun. Ah, yes.
One more thing. If you just got a $9500.38 paint job on your classic,  
cherried-out 1968 RS Chevrolet Camaro complete with custom fuzzy purple
retractor bars, this isn't the right vehicle for the job. The side of the
Crime Car WILL get scratched because the cart at high speeds will sometimes
bounce around. Bring Mom and Dad's car. (Hehehe)
 
 
     1.Roll that pup right into a parking block doing 40. Doesn't sound
     to exciting does it. Try it. Have you ever seen a flying shopping
     cart? You will soon, boyz and girlz, you will soon. Now do a combo.
     Make that fucker not only fly, but fly over things. Or against things.
     Get the picture. And when it hits the ground, if you did it right,
     that $10,450.38 shopping cart won't be worth shit. Gus would be proud.
     But best of all, Stalin will be pissed. There's no feeling like
     opening up the store in the morning and seeing a Shopping Cart 
     Massacre.
 
     2.So you don't think that Stalin has gotten his just deserves, do 
     you? Well, I wouldn't let my comrades down. Here's a neat little
     idea that's sure to loosen up Stalin's bowel's a little. Get your
     Magic Missile up to a nice speed. Now look at his storefront. Gee,
     those are nice shiny windows. Boy, I bet Gus spent all fucking day
     cleaning those. Look at how they shine and glimmer as your headlights
     twinkle and dance on there smooth, breakable surfaces. OH MY!
     There's a handicap ramp convieniently positioned right in front.
     Hit that ramp just right and I bet your cart would fly right through
     the window. Hell, if you get it just right, I bet the cart would land
     next to the other carts inside. You would be doing Gus a favor,
     returning his carts for him. Might even be saving his job. What a nice
     guy you are. Your group really should be awarded.

     3. Now for you really, really, really ruthless folks. Next to any mall
     or store, is of course, the STREET. It's time friends, to liberate
     a cart or two. Free Free, Set them Free. Maybe you have a car
     with four windows. Four carts is always better than one. Aim for the
     streets, gentlemen. If your not next to a major street, well, 
     cautiously enter a side street when the coast is clear and find
     a busy street. Let'em rip at an intersection. See how many people
     you can make swerve and collide. The possibilities are endless.
     Do you see a burger-flipper walking home from work one night? 
     Hmmmm. I wonder if he needs a ride. Hehehe. Lets find out.


     4. I bet your tough. OK. Here's your mission. Find a store that has
     a security guard on foot or in a car. Do you have the duct tape
     handy? You should. Duct tape is the tool of God Himself. Take the
     tape and cover your plates. Done? Good. Now, covertly locate his
     position and the position of a shopping cart. Done? Good. Now the
     fun begins. In one blinding move drive up to the cart, grab it and
     head directly toward the Man. Hit'em hard. Take off like a bat
     outa hell. Make sure to look back as the cart knocks that fat 
     bastard on his ass or puts a nice size dent in his $9500.38
     fucking paint job. Hehehehe.
      

 Well, I'm sure you can find many, many more things to do with the little
jewels. Sometimes you hit parking blocks so hard that they fly and possibly
can land in trees and shit like that. How's Gus gonna get that one back?


   If you'd like to contact me, well I'm not hard to find. Contact me at:
    
 
        Spatula City            1-707-451-2835
        The Duh Institute       Number not yet released
                                Coming soon in the 916
                                Area Code

                        An official Duh! Project           
                               Lore Seeker
                             seeker@rgm.com

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