From: hoyle@beaufort.sfu.ca (Michelle Hoyle)
Subject: Re: Friends are different from Lovers.
Organization: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, B.C., Canada
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 21:04:48 GMT

jlw3y@algol.astro.Virginia.EDU (Jennifer Wesp) writes:

>I've been doing a lot of reflecting in the past couple months on what
>it is precisely that I feel for people, if there are ways to
>categorize the people I am close to into natural sets, I dunno.  All
>sorts of garbage grown from being alone in a place I don't like.  A
>brief recent history just for reference: I moved in with Greg Lindahl
>in May of 1991 after graduating from college.  I met Eric in Jan 1992
>and was in love with him by March, went on a cross country motorcycle
>trip with him in June & July.  I then moved to Long Island New York
>to start graduate school, shortly after which I broke up with Greg.
>A bit later I decided I didn't want graduate school after all, and
>decided to move to California after this Christmas, and live with
>Eric.

>Now for the interesting bits.  First, I have been having trouble
>expressing why I felt I needed to break up with Greg.  He feels (I
>think, correct me if needed, Greg...  ) that since I have moved away
>there really is no practical difference between being lovers & being
>friends.  I do.  My feelings have changed for him.  It seems to me
>that there is a certain feeling of right-ness, and I can't come up
>with a better word, that distinguishes between people I want to sleep
>with and people I don't.  It's independant of how much I care for
>them, or find them physically attractive, or respect them, or enjoy
>their company.  I can remember people that I have felt this
>right-ness with whom I didn't really like as people, and conversely
>people that objectively seemed perfect to me, and yet this spark
>wasn't there. 

>Second, I have been having shockingly monogamous feelings towards
>Eric.  Not that I want him to be monogamous, I was glad when he found
>someone to be with for a while, I don't like thinking of him as being
>as lonely as I have been.  I just don't want anyone but him.  I've
>tried, because I am very lonely here, but I haven't found many people
>that have any trace of the right-ness i mentioned above, and it fades
>quickly with those I have found.  I don't quite know how to interpret
>this, or if it will continue when we are together...  it's all very
>strange & new for me.

I found your post to be more than a little lacking in
general coherency.  Nonetheless, being intrigued and interested in
the topic matter, I decided to write anyways to clarify some
of the points presented in your brief article.

Are you saying that if you have this feeling of "rightness" about someone,
it matters not whether you are in love with them or going out with them?
No matter what the circumstances, it would be acceptable for you to sleep
with them?  Are you also saying that you no longer wish to share yourself
with Greg, but that Greg thinks that it would be okay, for example, if
you were to visit, that he could sleep with you?

I do not think that there is necessarily a world of difference between
lovers and friends.  Ideally, a lover should also be your friend.  One
would argue, indeed, that your lover probably ought to be your best friend.
Should you happen to have more than one, they should at least be your
friends.  I do not buy into the ideal of sleeping with people with whom
there is a sexual "spark"  but naught else.  

Greg, I suspect, is merely trying to find a way in which he can keep
some sort of shaky hold to you.  Perhaps he was more strongly in love
with you than you were with him.  (Especially since you were apparently
simultaneously in love with Eric and Greg.)  

One has to wonder though, and one does, why you kept a relationship
going with Greg if you were madly in love with Eric?  Is it because
Greg possessed that "spark"?  Do you think that you've been fair
to all parties involved?

You mention that you've been feeling "shockingly monogamous", as if this
is something unusual or extraordinary.  For most humans, this is the norm,
and there are good reasons for that.  I think that if you're having
trouble embracing monogamy as an ideal, you had perhaps best examine
the depth and sincerity of your feelings.

Michelle -- A Quirky Blonde Sysop of a Different Flavour
 @The Human Impact Lab (HIL-Vancouver)
  CA (604) 251-7677



Xref: sparky alt.polyamory:1826 soc.singles:31178 alt.pagan:13017 misc.kids:28741