From: kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com (Kevin Brown)
Subject: Re: Believe in youself, dammit! (was: Re: Singles Bar)
Organization: I can't see any in the immediate vicinity...
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 18:51:25 GMT

Well, it seems I got a couple of interesting responses to what I had to say.
Of course, the most outrage was expressed at my most controversial statement,
to wit:

>>I won't put any *real* feelings into this until I
>>sense something like that from the person I'm dealing with.  But I'll
>>learn how to fake it (if necessary), so I can entice her into developing
>>such feelings, so I can bootstrap the whole process without risking my

And Kiran responded with:
>*laugh*  Naw, you'll put your real feelings into it, I betcha.  And
>your heart will be broken too. That's part of it all, unfortunately.
>
>(Of course, if you can do it using your scheme, go for it.  Whatever
>works, i always say.)

It's probably true that I'll end up putting some feelings into the process
*anyway*, even if I don't want to.  If feelings are possible to control, I
haven't discovered how, so it's quite possible that I'll end up putting
some feelings into it inadvertently.

And Sheba responded, to the same thing, with:
>Oh, Kevin, this is a disgraceful thing to say.  This attitude is totally
>subversive to any kind of affection or trust.  What makes you think you
>deserve something you're not willing to give?  Mark my words - for
>anything worth having, you'll pay, and pay, like we all do.  Yes, you're
>one of us, will or nill.  But unless and until you lose this "faking it"
>business, you'll attract no one but a few idiots, and get no good even of
>them.

Perhaps this is true as well.  However, the last time I put any real
feelings into something like this (but didn't get any such feelings in
return), it took me *years* to recover, during which I was entirely
unproductive.  I can't afford for that to *ever* happen again.

Hmm...perhaps the real answer isn't to avoid putting any feeling at all
into it, but to put incrementally small amounts of feeling into it.  Let
it build over time, subject to whether or not their feelings are also
growing incrementally.

Would this be more along the lines of what you're thinking?

Inasmuch as I don't know how to *control* my feelings, however, all this
may be moot, and I'll end up paying dearly, just like I did before, for the
mere possibility that I'll receive some affection and trust.

>Anyway I thought you just got through telling us that you don't have any
>*real* feelings.

When did I say that?  All I said is that my feelings *exist*, but usually
have little effect on my decisions.  Of course, that's not *quite* true,
inasmuch as my feelings can be considered to be indicators of my basic
needs and desires.

In any case, like it or not, I'm quite fearful of putting any real feelings
on the line without good reason to believe that they'll be returned.  As I
said, I can't afford a repeat performance of the consequences I suffered the
last time this happened.

Hmm...perhaps I can't afford to play the "relationship game", however much
I would like to reap the rewards of same...

Nah...full steam ahead, and damn the torpedoes!


-- 
				Kevin Brown

			    kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com
			    kevin@taronga.taronga.com