From: conditt@tsd.arlut.utexas.edu (Paul Conditt)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Re: Adultery, non-marital sex, and forgiveness
Date: 21 Jan 93 08:28:35 GMT
Organization: Applied Research Laboratories, University of Texas at Austin

In article <Jan.20.00.10.37.1993.858@geneva.rutgers.edu> jcj@tellabs.com writes:
>I have a question about what I see as an apparent contradiction regarding
>adultery (I apologize if this has been discussed before).  The OT position
>is clear in the Commandments, but in the NT where so much emphasis is put 
>on forgiving and forgiveness, Jesus Himself said that the only grounds for
>divorce was adultery.  But how can a Christian ask that his/her trespasses
>be forgiven as those who trespass against him/her if they won't forgive 
>his/her spouse (even for adultery)?  If we should judge not lest we be 
>judged, how can we say that an adulterer is any worse than any of us?  
>What about not casting the first stone?  What am I missing here?  
>
>That also raises the issue of non-marital sex.  Can a Christian say 
>with clear conscious to a potential spouse, "I can't marry you because you 
>had sex with your high school honey/ex-fiancee/whatever"?  If we are 
>taught to forgive then we should also forgive them that, shouldn't we?
>You might say a *true* Christian would wait for marriage, but we also
>know the flesh can be weak, people are sinful (willingly and unwittingly)
>and people make mistakes.  What about someone who is new to the
>faith and truly regrets their past?
>
>Suppose your spouse had an affair; could anyone, in good faith, say 
>"Well, God can forgive you, but I can't"?  I suspect at first I'd hardly
>react in a Christian manner, but isn't forgiveness fundamental to the 
>Christian faith even in the case of adulterous behaviour?  
>
>I look forward to your responses.
>
>Jeff Johnson
>jcj@tellabs.com

Excellent questions, Jeff.  I'd like to point out 2 aspects of forgiveness
that we often get tied together when they should actually be separated.

First is the act of forgiveness.  It seems like from your post above that
you have a pretty good handle on what it means to forgive and the
biblical references to it.  One thing to keep in mind here is that 
forgiving is a verb.  It's something you *do*, not necessarily something
you feel.  You can forgive someone without having warm and fuzzy feelings
towards them.

Which brings us to my second point.  We often think that forgiving someone
also means forgetting and getting rid of hurt feelings.  However, this is
a separate issue.  In the case of adultery, or any kind of breach of 
trust, even if forgiveness takes place, you still have the hurts that
must be healed.  Many times in divorce situations, these hurts cannot be
healed, even though forgiveness has taken place.  When someone hurts us,
like in the case of adultery, there are many emotions and thoughts we have
to deal with.  First is the pain of your trust and love being violated.
Then the anger of being used.  There is also the fear that it will happen
again.  All of these are difficult emotional issues that must be addressed.
They are not necessarily required to be resolved for forgiveness to take
place, but they probably need to be in order for the relationship to 
continue in a healthy manner.

I think we need to be careful to not shove our emotions aside in the name
of Christian love and forgiveness.  Again, we can love and forgive without
emotions being healed, but in certain types of relationships, like close
friendships, marriages, and dating relationships, the emotions *must* be
dealt with.  It's very important to see the difference between being able
to consciously forgive someone, even if the emotions haven't been healed
yet.  It's also important to allow the Holy Spirit to heal those emotions
so that the people in the relationship can continue to grow and move
forward.

I hope this helps and any questions and/or comments are more than welcome.


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Paul Conditt		Internet: conditt@titan.tsd.arlut.utexas.edu
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