From: alan@osf.org (Alan Hamilton)
Subject: Re: Other Side of the Closet (Re: Spouses of bi's: anybody out there?)
Organization: Open Software Foundation
	<1992Sep27.033351.693@u.washington.edu>
Date: 28 Sep 92 12:37:08


cyberoid@milton.u.washington.edu (Robert Jacobson) writes:
> Either the spouses don't read this newsgroup or, fearfully, there aren't
> very many of them post-transition.  I'd hate to go away thinking either
> of these propositions is true.

I see a lot of aspects to this question, because people are in so many
different situations.

My wife has talked for several years about forming a support group of
people who are supportive of their bi partners.  However, she is
computer-phobic, and does not have net access.  If she did, I suspect
that she would mostly read about music (her own passion) instead of
soc.bi (which is part of my passion for bi activism.)  She is also
computer-phobic, and does not have computer access.

First, there may not be lots of partners of bis who are interested in
following soc.bi, because it is not their own primary issue and they
get the information that they need about supporting their partner from
the partner her/himself.  As I said, this would probably be true of my
wife if she had computer access.

For people who were out as bisexual when they entered their marriage
(like myself and a few others I know), the ground rules were worked
out before the marriage.  Any requested changes in the original
agreement have been in that context, not one where a new sexual
identity is likely to confuse the partner about whether or not the Bi
person loves them and wants to remain with them, and whether it is
worth making the committment to remain with them and work out issues
in the relationship.

For partners in an *actually* monogamous relationship, bisexuality
does not bring up the question of non-monogamy that it does in a
relationship which has *been* monogamous, but where one partner has
decided that s/he would like to have concurrent relationships with a
member of the same sex.

For people who are in *nominally* monogamous relationships (where they
have agreed to have other, secondary relationships but not talk about
them), there may be little additional disruption.

In general, I would expect that the more things that are changing (or
at least called into question) at once, the more difficult it would be
to adapt the relationship to accommodate them (on both sides.)

Pepper and I entered our relationship with the understanding that I
was not interested in being monogamous, and that in particular I
expected to have relationships with men as well.  This has worked well
for us over the years.  (I have a 5-year relationship with a man who
was already a friend of Pepper's before he and I got involved.)

I suggest that you and your partner discuss the working assumptions
that each of you thought you had when you started, and how those are
affected by this new information.  Does it mean that your partner just
wants to acknowledge her new identity and have good, thoughtful
support from you?  Does it mean that she wants to explore having
sexual relationships with women?  What will you need to feel safe
enough and valued enough to stay in the relationship?

I'm sorry that my busy schedule has delayed responding to your post,
but if writing some of these things down is useful to you in thinking
them through, feel free to post or send me email.

-Alan