HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)
Organization: The Man With Ten Cats
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1993 06:23:14 GMT
Reply-To: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)

In article <C058x9.6oo@encore.com> kschnitz@encore.com (Kevin Schnitzius) writes:
>thinman@netcom.com (Technically Sweet) writes:
>>I look fondle-able in leather motorcycling pants.
>>The kind with road warrior ribs on the knees and
>>shin guards.
>
>I certainly hope you didn't make that determination yourself.

If you can't worship yourself, who can you worship?

				- onan

-- 

Rick Kelly    rmkhome!rmk@merk.com    merk!rmkhome!rmk    rmk@frog.UUCP
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton)
Subject: My Good Deed
Summary: Another Xmas tale
Organization: t.b, t.p.d, & a.d
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 00:32:37 GMT

I decided spontaneously to do at least one good deed for Xmas this
year.  Scott, Hawaii expatriate that he is, has lamented the dearth
of crack seed* on the mainland, so I would send him some as a gesture
of solidarity.

I bought four big packages of assorted crack seed (Yick Lung Li Hing
Mui, sweet mango, Obachan's Prune Mui) and stuck them in a big envelope
with mailing labels for his address and my return address.  I stuck it
in the mail.  Something happened.**  Scott receieved a package containing
a tape of Barry Manilow music labeled "Kath."

For the record, I would never willingly inflict Barry Manilow on anyone,
not even my worst enemy.  I believe in mercy-killing, but not torture.

So much for this year's good deeds.

Yours from the State of Confusion,
  -- Clifton

 ==================================================================

* Crack seed is local Chinese "candy" -- dried fruit, often with the 
seed still in it; usually salty, sometimes sweet, sometimes sour,
most often all three; flavored with Chinese spices, liquorice, ginger,
anise.  Powerful stuff, hard to acquire a taste for, equally hard to
give up once you've got it.

 ==================================================================

** The mundane hypothesis:

One of the Post Office's hired gremlins peeled the mailing labels off
and put them on somebody else's package to someone else.

Alternative hypotheses:

1) Scott and I are actually in two parallel universes corresponding 
through a trans-temporal packet network gateway.  The Clifton in his
universe is a Barry Manilow fan, and thinks the Scott he communicates
with is the same; the Scott in my universe (or whoever lives at his
address) was doubtless surprised to receive a package of crack seed
out of the blue.

2) Yick Lung Li Hing Mui can spontaneously decay into a Barry Manilow
tape.  Although it does have a warning that it is carcinogenic, I would
think a much stronger warning would be required by law in this case.

3) The U.S. Post Office has acquired a Gooleytron and is testing it on
random packages.  Expect big surprises in the coming year, once they
put the rest on line.

4) My doppelganger did it; naturally he would have the same handwriting
as me, and could have filched the package from the office shipping
department by impersonating me.  However, I thought I ditched him in 
Chicago when I left college there.

5) I am suffering from fugue states in which I commit atrocities too 
hideous for me to consciously recall, such as this.

--
cliftonr@netcom.com     Home: +1 808 521 9073  Work: +1 808 625 3234
Clifton Royston, Pope of the Church of the Subgenius in Paradise
"Have a revelation, the first one's free/Soon to be addicted to eternity" - HMR
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: M.T.Hamilton@lut.ac.uk ([*] M.T.Hamilton)
Subject: Fragrant Concubine
Keywords: The famous person ana beautifue scenery frangrant cards
Organization: Dept of Computer Studies, Loughborough University, UK
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 16:54:06 GMT

A Chinese colleague of mine recently gave me a set of perfumed bookmarks 
as a Christmas present.  At the time I was feeling pretty depressed, but
his gift cheered me up no end.  I should explain that the bookmarks are 
made out of balsa wood, and each one is engraved with a picture of a
Chinese beauty (and beautifue scenery!).  I'd like to share the 
accompanying text with you:

"Handsome girls and fairies.

Wang Zhao-JUN was on of concubinies of the Emperor's Yuan.  she was a
representation of her country to send to neighbouring country to consult
governments affairs.

Excellent concubine Yang was a good at music.  afterward she Was choicedinto
the palace and became a concubine.  when An tuo-san turn against, she ran
away with her husband.

Xi Shi was one of the most handsome girls, once she was washing the clothes
in a vally. the fishes saw her hansome and all sink into the bottom bys
tiemseq.

Daio Chan was a slave girt, she worried about the emperor was failing so she
begged the Moon mother to help, the Moon mother had seen the girl handsome
and hid into the cloud.

There was a lady whose name was Chang Er, her husband-nei asked mother Queen
for a medicine, anyone eat it will never died she stolen to eat it and so
she became a fairy.

A handsome gire lived in a wonderful palau, she threw a lot of frowers
toward the all monks, they were falling down, until to the big brother,
these flowers attached with him they were to love.

There was ancient time, the sky was broken a hote, which pour down much water,
the woman has good skill, she can mend the hole and stops the water to pour.

A uncle, who threws the rice on the ground and became muck pearts, and saw
East Sea suddenly became a lot of field, and used the leaves to brew
wine to giue the Mother Queen."
From: ranjit@unagi.cis.upenn.edu (Ranjit Bhatnagar)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: short shameful confession
Date: 3 Jan 93 07:49:07 GMT
Organization: Ng!
In-reply-to: jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu's message of 29 Dec 92 20:12:49 GMT

In article <rosenkrantz.du.edu> jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu (JKF) writes:
>   In article <guildenstern.org> robert@aero.org (R. S. Statsinger) writes:
>
>   >Turns out it's a room where new mothers use their breast pumps. 
>   >
>
>   What's a breast pump?

After I weaned my first kid, my tits sagged something awful.
I used a breast pump to inflate them to look presentable at
work.

Now that I'm a Cabinet Minister, I don't bother any more.

	-r.


--
"Trespassers w"   ranjit@grad1.cis.upenn.edu	mailrus!eecae!netnews!grad1!...
	The surface of the water where they move swiftly about in curves.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: biggles@wam.umd.edu (David "Dave" Smolar)
Subject: Re: short shameful confession
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1992 02:57:01 GMT

In article <1992Dec13.083614.16470@netcom.com> cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton) writes:
>I bought the Weekly World News because I couldn't resist
>the cover with the rip-off of Magritte's fish-woman.  Then I 
>read the whole thing including most of the ads.  

I bought the uh...lemme check this..."Globe", vol. 39, no.51...'cuz of     
the cover story titled "Lobster Boy's Wife Hired Hitmen to Kill Him!"
I read it cover to cover and, let me tell you, it's worth all 99 cents 
I blew on it.

			--bigglestevenseagal'ssecretbigamycan'twaittoreadthat 
-- 
 ca      __   ___  ___   ___   +  ___   __  | "The Stilton's awfully good."--
  rd     | \   |   l     l     !  [_    [   |                 Simon Jones
   in    | \   |   l ]   l ]   !  [      -/ |        biggles@cville.umd.edu
    al   ---  ---  --/   --/   -- ---   --  |___________________________________
From: the lost cause
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: NO MORE JOHNNIE WALKER!!!!
Date: 22 Dec 1992 16:46:07 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Department at Rose-Hulman
Distribution: world
Reply-To: jdavidso@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
NNTP-Posting-Host: jd-next.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu

In article <BzJB1B.FEA@fuhainf.fernuni-hagen.de>  
koellner@galaxy.fernuni-hagen.de (Johnnie Walker) writes:
$                           
$                            _  |  _
$                          /   \_/   \
$                         SQUIETCHCHCHCHCHC

OK, am I the only one confused here? On the one hand, at first glance, I  
thought I was seeing a new ASCII graphic for hOOters; then I thought, no,  
he's merely *PLONK*ed himself, but he can't *PLONK* himself into two new,  
seperate beings, can he? 

--
************************************************************************
 the Lost Cause                       jdavidso@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
(hardwaire guy extraordinaire)       MACTech,NeXTtech; NeXTmail accepted
                      "Everything is relative."
************************************************************************
From: dac@prolix.apana.org.au (Andrew Clayton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: X in Oz.
Date: Sat, 02 Jan 1993 13:06:33 GMT
Organization: More like Dis~, really.
X-Newsreader: Arn V1.00

(Excerpt from page 5 of The Australian, Saturday, January 2nd, 1993.)

Houston, Texas.  A person was detained whilst attempting to
board a QANTAS flight destined for Melbourne, Australia.  In his
possession he had a suitcase that was full of lead-shielded
X-Industries paraphernalia.

An FBI spokesperson stated that Mr X was undoubtably planning on
expanding his illicit operations in high tech anarchy, into the
soft underbelly of Australian culture.

Many of the devices were disguised as cans of Fosters Lager, with
some particularly lethal cocktails disguised as Chanel No.  5, in
a kangaroo shaped roll-on bottle.

The Australian Embassy in Washington had no comment to make upon
learning of the incident, and whilst the seriousness of the
affair is without doubt, it is unlikely that any diplomatic
repercussions will follow on from this event.

X-Industries is well known in the United States of America for
its post natal lobotomy kit, and a 'painting by numbers' set that
used various paints laced with radium salts 'so that they glow in
the dark on the kiddies fingers'.  Both items are banned from
major retail stores, however a strong black market has developed
for people who wish to do self-trepanation, or just want to get
rid of the kids over the Christmas holidays.

No reports of X-Industries products have ever been forwarded to
Australian Authorities. A spokesdork for ASIO was overheard
stating that nuking the fuckers would be a waste of good rocket
propellant. 

Contacting X-Industries in the US proved to be fruitless,
providing only a recorded message with the codewords RDC is DEAD.

AAP.

Dac
--
------------------ Investigation agency food -------------------

NASA, KREMLIN, CIA, NSA, FBI, JIO, ASIO, ENCRYPTION, CYPHER,
HOAX, TERRORIST ATTACK, BIGUS DICKUS, POPE CLIFTON IS DEAD.
ASSASSINATION, METALLICA, ANTHRAX, PLAGUE, NUCULAR, NUKE,
NUCLEAR, BOMB, RDC, KIBO.  L. RON STEWART.  ANAGRAMS. IRAN.

Legal note: ``The Australian'' is not printed on Saturdays or Sundays.
From: cj@eno.esd.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: i must be getting better
Date: 2 Jan 93 03:40:27 GMT
Reply-To: cj@sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Organization: SGI TechPubs

---
For the last three days, I've been too sick to log in.
I've barely had the energy to totter from bed to the
TV to turn on the Sega Genesis.  At times I've been
too feeble to hit the jump button, so poor Sonic gets
splatted.  Now, I'm actually posting, albeit idiotically.
Prognosis is good.

If Larne does't make the SimBizarre world, I will.

---
c j silverio
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Date In Error--- Bob is Feb 13.
Date: 3 Jan 1993 12:53:32 GMT
Organization: NASA Langley Research Center and Reptile Farm
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: grissom.larc.nasa.gov

Yes, even we make typos.  The Bob party is on the 13th of February, not
on the third, so don't show up on my doorstep a week early or we'll make
you cook.
--scott
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: koellner@galaxy.fernuni-hagen.de (Johnnie Walker)
Subject: Re: NO MORE JOHNNIE WALKER!!!!
Organization: FernUniversitaet Hagen
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 22:45:46 GMT

the lost cause wrote:
: In article <BzJB1B.FEA@fuhainf.fernuni-hagen.de>  
: koellner@galaxy.fernuni-hagen.de (Johnnie Walker) writes:
: $                           
: $                            _  |  _
: $                          /   \_/   \
: $                         SQUIETCHCHCHCHCHC
: 
: OK, am I the only one confused here? On the one hand, at first glance, I  
: thought I was seeing a new ASCII graphic for hOOters; then I thought, no,  
: he's merely *PLONK*ed himself, but he can't *PLONK* himself into two new,  
: seperate beings, can he? 

Yes, we can. No problem.
              NO, that.s wrong! He's lying!
NO IM NOT!
          YES YOU ARE!
NO! YES! NO! YES!

XXX                           XXX

--
Peter Koellners 
Students of Idiocy at the university of Dortmund
EMAIL:koellner@fernuni-hagen.de
EMAIL:koellner@fernuni-hagen.de 
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: vail@tegra.com (Johnathan Vail)
Subject: Re: SSC
Organization: Tegra-Varityper, Inc. Billerica, MA
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 17:36:53 GMT



In article <BzHHrA.2Gs@nmrdc1.nmrdc.nnmc.navy.mil> rdc30@nmrdc1.nmrdc.nnmc.navy.mil (LCDR Michael E. Dobson) writes:

   With the possible exception of Paul Lord of the US Patent and Trademark
   Office, I may be the highest ranking "government official" posting to this
   newsfroup.

   Mike "I'm still waiting for the Admiral to post here" Dobson


I just got a letter stating that my government issue Diner's club card
was canceled because I resigned my activation from FEMA.


jv <- "one of the little people again"

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: John Austin <jea1@cornell.edu>
Subject: Re: ho ho ho
X-Xxdate: Tue, 22 Dec 92 14: 47:33 GMT
Nntp-Posting-User: jea1@cornell.edu
Organization: Boyce Thompson Institute
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d16
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 14:40:53 GMT

In article <1992Dec19.165530.104429@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu> JANE HORVATH,
jjh4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu writes:
>when i was little,my father taught me the song 'rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer'
>until i was about ten, i thought that nixon, vomit, and stupid were three of
>santa's sleighpullers.
>
>-jane
>
>he also taught me that cows go 'woof'

Not to encourage those all-caps folks, but this is my favorite message from
Bethlehem.

Something about a single sentence containing nixon, vomit, and stupid, that I
can't resist.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .
John Austin (jea1@cornell.edu)                                                 
Grafix R Us                          Dad went to Lehigh.  That may explain it.
Boyce Thompson Institute for Plant Research                                    
2473562236the incredible shrinking .sig69
From: meats_s@lincoln.gpsemi.com. (Lightbulb Head)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Articles containing the word "FUCK"
Date: 22 Dec 92 13:36:44 GMT
Organization: GEC Plessey Semiconductors
X-Xxmessage-Id: <A75CDC3D2C01709C@mac_ldc6.lincoln.gpsemi.com>
X-Xxdate: Tue, 22 Dec 92 14:52:45 GMT
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d12

It has occurred to me in reading these "bizarre" threads that the
articles containing
the word "FUCK" in the titles are indeed the least interesting and
contain no reference to the aforementioned act of copulation.

Does anyone else have any views on this subject ?
Please discuss.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: The top 923
From: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)
Organization: The Man With Ten Cats
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 13:26:45 GMT
Reply-To: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)

In article <1992Dec30.211412.19215@cabezon.uucp> larryh@cabezon.uucp (Larry Huntley) writes:
>    One of the FM stations here in Portland (92.3 MHz) is playing "THE
>    TOP NINE HUNDRED TWENTY-THREE ROCK AND ROLL HITS OF ALL TIME."  The
>    tune currently playing is "Summertime Blues" by Blue Cheer.  It's in
>    the 600s, somewhere.

Blue Cheer's "Summertime Blues" should have been number one.

Well, maybe number two with Jimi Hendrix' "Red House" as number one.

-- 

Rick Kelly    rmkhome!rmk@merk.com    merk!rmkhome!rmk    rmk@frog.UUCP
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: mikem@nntp.telxon.com (Michael Molnar)
Subject: Re: test article
Organization: TELXON Corporation
Distribution: regional
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 18:46:24 GMT


this is a test article.  please ignore.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: billy <billy@planet.com>
Subject: fun
X-Xxmessage-Id: <A76A6509D2014412@planet.earth.com>
X-Xxdate: Fri, 1 Jan 93 05:15:53 GMT
Organization: command level fun
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d9
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 03:18:20 GMT


hey there world. i'm having a damn good time tonight. hope you are too.
From: bhoughto@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Xmas cheer, part two
Date: 22 Dec 1992 20:59:16 GMT
Organization: Intel Corp., Chandler, Arizona
Distribution: talk
NNTP-Posting-Host: stealth.intel.com
Keywords: NBC CBS ABC Fox ILM ITV BBC Amblin' 911 KITT

In article <schnitzi.725037795@eola.cs.ucf.edu> schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius) writes:
>If I see one more TV sitcom involving an old man who
>thinks he's Santa Claus, who everyone thinks is just
>a nice old guy who's just a little bit wacky, who
>then performs some sort of mystic feat at the end,
>making everyone wonder "Gee, maybe he WAS Santa!",
>I'm taking an Uzi down to the shopping mall.

Watch it.

That's the sort of talk that got Finerty in trouble
with <*wwwwwwwwwhonk!*> Rosanne Barr <*Ba-DUMMMMMM!*>

				--Blair
				  "Moo-ha-ha."
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: Why my drive to work is more interesting than yours
Organization: University of Central Florida
Distribution: talk
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 17:53:46 GMT

Mile 7: Leave civilization, enter Bithlo.  Home of more junkyards
per capita than any other city.  I don't mean to imply that the
place is "redneck", but I live in morbid fear that my foreign 
car will break down here some day.  If you're black, forget it.

Mile 12: Pass a local baptist church bent on ridding the nation
of the evil scourge of evolutionary theory.  They have a road
sign with replacable letters -- past signs have read "FOSSILS --
WHAT DO THEY MEAN?", "DINOSAUR MYSTERY EXPLAINED", and "MYTHS
OF EVOLUTION".

Mile 15: Enter the city of Christmas, famous only for it's post
office (you can guess why, and you can guess when).

Mile 17: The chicken mailbox.  Papier mache monstrosity of a
chicken, that lasted about 3 days before a drunken redneck took
a Louisville Slugger to it and knocked off its head.

Mile 20: Pass Gator Jungle, a tourist attraction.  Basically an
alligator zoo, remarkable in that the entire building facing
the road is shaped like a huge gator.  Tourists enter through
the mouth, which is open to reveal sparkling white fiberglass
teeth.

Just last week there was an accident immediately opposite Gator
Jungle where a guy in a Cordoba plowed dead-on into a cow that
had wandered into the road.  They guy's car was totalled, and
the cow was reduced to a steaming heap of beef.  

Miles 22-27: Swampland -- airboat rides, poor people fishing,
and a boiled peanut stand.

Mile 29: A gas station called "Space Shuttle Fuels".  I resist
the urge daily to pull in and ask the guy to fill it up with liquid
hydrogen.

Mile 32: Space Camp, featuring a life-size mockup of the space
shuttle overlooking the road.  One day there was smoke coming
out of the engines, but it turned out it was just a fire.

Mile 33: Cross the Indian River, replete with manatees (sea cows),
dolphins and guys in clamming boats (who are out there at sunup,
regardless of the weather).

Miles 35-40: During mating season, alligators can be regularly be
seen haunting the canals on the side of the road.  Once saw a
tourist (or "touron" as they are known) who had pulled over and
was taunting a gator, with his young son behind him.  He was
apparently oblivious to the fact that gators can move much faster
than humans.  Natural selection will swiftly weed out this sort
of stupidity, I hope.

Mile 41: Spaceport USA.  Features the multi-million dollar Astro-
naut Memorial, a black monolith with the names of dead astronauts
engraved in it, which is supposed to continually rotate to face
the sun, so that the astronauts names are continually emblazoned.
It has never worked right.

Mile 43: Work: sit down, telnet back 43 miles to UCF, and bring
up Usenet.

----mark
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: srscnslt@telesciences.com (SRS Consultant)
Subject: Re: Short Shameful Fuck YOU
Organization: TeleSciences CO Systems, Inc.
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 19:47:57 GMT

In article <1992Dec29.203850.5821@walter.cray.com> jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll) writes:
>
>In article <MJD.92Dec29200358@saul.cis.upenn.edu>, mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Captain Entropy") writes:
>> In article <1992Dec20.060639.64793@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu> mlsa@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN) writes:
>> >   Kill file Lehigh
>> <   if you wish,
>> 
>> Now why would I want to do that?  Jane Horvath posts from Lehigh.
>> 
>> Jane, is there something you can do about this guy?  Sell him into
>> slavery to the steel company or something?
>
>Horndog eats mjd's brain. Film at 11.


	NEWBIES, OBSERVE!

	Seven words.  That's all it took.  Seven words to nail one newt and
	one newbie.  LEARN FROM THIS!

	Thanks for helping out, Jeff.  You're excused from the final.


-- 
Mitch Gorman		srscnslt@telesciences.com	emrys@cellar.org
"You can tell he's doing well by the look in inhuman eyes,
	Better not compromise -
		It won't be easy!"
From: ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu (Arthur Delano)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: less than perfect
Followup-To: misc.misc
Date: 29 Dec 1992 23:12:12 GMT
Organization: finchhaus
NNTP-Posting-Host: helen.oit.itd.umich.edu

In article <1992Dec29.201231.18952@siemens.com> aad@siemens.com (Anthony Datri) writes:
>>>>   From interviews, it also appears that Ms. Crawford has a
>>>>   "brain the size of a dried pea," to quote a favorite movie
>>>>   of mine.
>>    Christie Brinkley's appearance on Arsenio Hall about a month ago.
>>    Ms. Brinkley made the word "vapid" come to life, so to speak.
>She married Billy Joel, after all.

Sounds like a good way to guarantee an income.  i would
presume from this that she's not totally retarded.

followups to alt.supermodels.megabucks

AjD
-- 
                       ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu
"You'll never find happiness as a human being, kid." -- Suehiro Maruo
From: sho@bohr.physics.purdue.edu (Sho Kuwamoto)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: what i want for xmas
Date: 23 Dec 92 22:28:58 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Physics Department

world peace
a decent windowing system to replace x
my cold to go away
a set of decorative cubes with pictures of eyeballs and mouths on the faces
a mark levinson cd player

a box with a rewind and fast forward button which would let me edit my life.

-Sho
--
sho@physics.purdue.edu
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre