From: gswst@gl.pitt.edu (Gary S Wachs)
Newsgroups: alt.personals,alt.personals.misc,alt.sex,alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,alt.support,soc.women,talk.rape
Subject: Re: Loss and how to adjust
Date: 21 Jul 92 23:21:48 GMT
Followup-To: alt.personals

In article <1992Jul21.191115.12686@rchland.ibm.com> you write:
>I somehow failed to see an approaching train.  
>I'm living with so much guilt.  I caused the accident that killed Bonnie.
>I should have seen the train and stopped.
>must look like I didn't even care about Bonnie that much.  

I have experienced these feelings, my friend.  A women whom I had known
ever since kindergarten (the only person from those days I ever kept in
touch with) was murdered one weekend a few years ago.  I had been
seeing her sporadically, we were friends... I had even asked her to
go to dinner with me on the weekend it happened.  She had other plans...
"Good for her", I thought, thankful that she had an active social life.

   ... a little *too* active, as it turned out...

I could have been more insistent.  I could have accompanied and maybe even
protected her.  Just like you might have seen the train coming.  I know
how painful these damned "if's" are.  There are however two things that
make it impossible for us to be as perfect as we want to be.  One, we are
human and humans make mistakes.  Sometimes those mistakes cost lives, and
those are the hardest ones to live with.  Two, and perhaps less obvious,
is that this is a very, very dangerous world we live in.  Don't let the
apparent sanctity of your immediate neighborhood fool you, there's 
accidents happening every single second of every day all over the world.
And a good number of them are far more tragic than anything you or I
have achieved.

We do the best we can.  We live with our mistakes.  We try and learn from
them.  But we can survive this.  We can do better.  Please do not watch
the "Godfather" trilogy, it is the antithesis of my argument.

Why continue, you ask?  Again, two good reasons.  One, you still have a
lot to offer some needy person.  Your kids need you.  Make that your
#1 priority in life for now.  This will give you the sense of purpose and
responsibility you need to overcome the pain and feelings of helplessness.
It will even provide you a distraction from the mental torment you are
going through, while you build up the self-esteem needed to combat it.

And two, remember that we are all stronger with your than without you.  Your
giving up would only serve to encourage those around you who love you to
do the same.  You must respect the responsibilities you took on when you
brought children into this world.  And since it is my nature to look  for
a silver lining, I suggest you do the same.   Imagine how much more
aware and confident you will be when you come out of this in one piece
someday.  

>Every time someone does something dumb 
>on the road and I mutter "stupid ^%$*" I'm brought up short with the 
>thought, "But they didn't kill anybody on the highway; I did."  
>Please suggest anything that may help.  Thanks,

Lastly, if you are going to start analysing this situation, I implore
you too analyse it fairly.  Those jerks on the highway are driving
poorly on purpose and they won't get away with it forever.  I despise
that kind of hypocrisy and have no sympathy for them.  You had an
accident; you did not intend to hurt anyone.  Plus, don't be so sure
that those idiots didn't kill and injure hundreds of people, because for
all you know, they may have.  Like I said, it is a dangerous world.

Feel free to reply if you wish to talk more.  Otherwise, I wish you the
best!

Gary
Newsgroups: alt.personals