From: auer@cs.swarthmore.edu (David S. Auer)
Subject: Friendly Advice 
Organization: Swarthmore College
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 09:06:05 GMT

[Hint: Do not take this seriously Illinoisian.]

I took the goddamn mother-fucking Puerto-Rican Son-of-a-bitch from the Univer-
sity of Illinois and eviscerated him with a dull-edged serrated blade I found
in the hands of some Somalian mother who cursed me out in Swahili that I die
the death of a syphilic hyena for depriving her of her kitchen utensils.  I
laughed and comed in her face, staining her retinas with my base ejaculate.  I
then scraped strands of goo from her flea-infested poontang so that my weapon
would be all the more gruesome and gory as I devastated the windy city-dwel-
ler from the corncob capital of the world, home to mutated inbred farmers, and
ghettoized aboriginals yearning for the lost luxury of slavery before they
actually had to think which only lead to them killing each other fucking off.

Anyway, I tied this scum-sucking panty-waist, up to a chair and injected tacks
up his scrotum before his unbelieving gay lovers eyes.  I sold his watch to a
Nazi, 'cause the Nazi would pay me top dollar for the watch so he could call me
a greedy Jew, but I didn't mind cause I had the 6 bucks in my pocket and was
grinning like a worm-eaten cadaver half-eaten by a mortician's sulfuric acid.

My dildo-wearing girlfriend, who I beat and she loves it, walked up to Mr. U's
lover and gave him the old shaft up the ass.  I know she is a blonde, but I
keep the cunt because she will swallow and cuz she fucks like a rabbit in heat.
Mr. U., all his moralizing and sermonizing doesn't save him cause he's under
the knife,'s eyes bulge out as he sees his partner's (Bruce) wrists flop in
agony and ecstacy at the electronic buzz he's getting from my top-heavy lover.

I kick Bruce in the face and then in the crotch with my Doc Martin's, which I
do _not_ wear as a statement, merely because they are smoking boots that tell
the world this kyke ain't gonna take no shit from a pompous self-righteous
arrogant son of a nymphomaniac housewife.

I then shove the colostomy bag, U has so eagerly coveted, up his mouth and
shove it so far down his throat he feels it is coming out the proper end.  It
does not make it though, for he involuntarily hurls, protecting his tender
stomach from the feces sack I so forcibly impose upon him.

If you are still reading this you are a pussy-licking septic-tank dweller.

His lover cries out in agony, so I pore frogs down the Gascon's pants and
force the Mitterand-emulating bastard who couldn't tell sensible politics from
a polite waiter if it came up and gave him a blow job.

I slashed open Mr. U's back and ground salt all around in it until he fainted
and then revived him with a splash of ammonia in his rectum-whiffer, so that
he could he see me rape Bambi until blood oozed out of her mouth which I lapped
up with a passion.

I was not idle, however, not wishing him to miss an iota of the suffering I
had planned out for him.  I gave Bruce an Italian neck-tie, New Jersey style.
New Jersey is the state in the union with the largest number of toxic waste
site dumps in the country, helped in part by the fact that our misbegotten
mafioso-kin governor qualifies as a super-fund site himself.  Cuomo and Florio
demonstrate how tax-and-spend democrats give new meaning to corruption in
politics and are screwing Bruce as I narrate this to you.

I lost track of what U. was up to; apparently Bambi surveying the damage I did
her got her nose caught between her lips and reflexively clenched tight thin-
king that rhinoplasty bait (I don't go out with shiksas; goyim are good for
date rape, jewelry, borrowing cars from, and that's it.) was my hairy balls,
thus leaving her ass exposed so that U. could peepee in her poophole, causing
the bitch to scream out, attracting the attention of an alarmed paaserby.

I nearly shit in my pants.  I would have to kill the passerby, this filled me
with blood-letting glee.  I realized however that the passerby was German and
thus concerned only with the mess.  I apologized and explained I was Jewish,
which appeased the German who wandered off contentedly.

I inscribed a pentagram in U.'s forehead with my scalpel of shame.  Unfortu-
nately, Lucifer was visiting an accomodating Islamic princess that day, and so
I was stuck with Baalzebub, who smelled like the Somali's cooze, only better
fed.

Baalzebub laughed at my feeble ritual, for I had no virgin.  (I never could get
that part right; whenever I found one, I balled her 'til she bled like an
African.  I took to raiding nurseries in my depraved lust and in part account
for the extinction of the American virgins, committing my own form of genocide
upon the more feeble-minded half of the nation as efficiently as the Nazis
purportedly killed the Jews, only I actually did it and was moderately success-
ful. *smug grin*)

Anyway, I was condemned to hell, which was for me Mr. U. and his politically
correct library served by British chefs.  The British have gone down hill ever
since the fall of the British empire.  Once they lost the Asians and the
Africans they have been nothing but whiny piss-faces who need Americans to
help them out of every spot of trouble they have gotten into since and now
have difficulty keeping the pound ahead of the zloty and would now rather
abandon the magna carta than face emu.

Even though I am trapped with this boor, I still content myself to think about
the bound feet of Chinese women, perhaps binding their hands too would be good
then you could lift their skirts up and pull their panties down so you could
make them into your own personal charioteer of your glorious dickmobile.  Like
a hot tong in a squirrels ass, you could use your schlong as a cattle prod
pushing the tied up gook along hopping before you.

Or you could just kill yourself after seeing Bambi rim-fucking Bruce and
bathing in his golden shower while you were out fucking some red-headed goy.
This can be done quite pleasurably by going into a crackhouse o.d.-ing on
the shit and then going out and mowing down as many coons as you can, before
your blood vessels give out in ecstatic bliss.

First of course you zotz Bruce by calling in Mario's cousin Vinny who does
knees too, and doesn't require the virgin's that those imbalanced Satanists
always seem to want, HaShem damn them.  (Most Satanists are actually only
poseurs who listen to heavy metal bands, wear monkey gonads as jewelry, and
wouldn't know the Mark of Caine from the smegma on their porn magazines.)

Bambi of course should be fucked thoroughly before you lash every tender spot
in her body and then drip battery acid slowly all over her.  After the acid has
eaten away as much flesh as its gonna you douse her in water and fuck her
again.  Bambi is stored in a freezer until your last glorious killing spree --
an hors doeuvres (however you spell that de Gaulle-icism).  After raping a
woman for years, eating her body is the final shrine in the altar of love, for
you know her body so well, that the ground should never know her.

My advice is don't be an asshole -- I won't have to kill you.