From: valerie@ucsd.edu (Valerie E. Polichar)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Clive's post on being Bi
Date: 10 Sep 1992 16:39:08 GMT
Organization: UCSD Network Operations
NNTP-Posting-Host: bigblack.ucsd.edu

In article <memo.609925@cix.compulink.co.uk>, cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace) writes:
> ...It's also given me the freedom to be a more emotional
> person as well... I may get involved with someone to the the point of,
> but exculding, sexual contact...
> I can indulge in a good half hour of hugging and stroking and then go home
> or do something else, or whatever. This kind of behaviour seems to have no
> place in straight space.

I've managed to create it for myself by being very very clear about what I
want beforehand, but it takes a great deal of work and discussion.
For some reason I seem to /mostly/ be involved with gay or straight people;
but some have been bi, and I haven't yet noted that the bis are better at
understanding this sort of cuddling behaviour; on the other hand I think
you may be right that this is true in general, just not my experience *yet*.

:-) but it's so darn nifty when you can get it.  I had the fortunate experience
recently of acquiring a cuddle-hug-kiss-&-stroke playmate who happens to
be a gay man --- so he's got no desire to take it any further, and I'm not 
sexually attracted to him so I don't either.  It's one of the warmest
relationships I have... <happy sigh>

> I've dealt with a lot of the feelings I have... I was initially worried
> when I identified as Gay that I wasn't gay enough for the Gay community,
> then, when I started to admit to myself that I was Bi, I worried that
> because I couldn't sexually relate to men I was attracted to as far as 
> I felt I should, that I wasn't really  Bi at all, but some straight 
> cruising for "hot bi babes/studs"

I suspect a number of us have gone through this "am I allowed to call myself
X" experience... I certainly spent years, since I first came out to myself at
age 12, afraid it wasn't "okay" to call myself bi, either because (1) We all know
there's no such thing as bisexuals or because (2) I hadn't slept with a woman
yet.  I didn't get it resolved in my head until I finally slept with a woman at
age 20.  It's a pity, really.  I felt automatically rejected before even having a
group to reject me <laugh>.

> When I'm with a man, I have to call the shots, because to me,
> male + sexual interest = potential abuser, and the only way I have of
> dealing with it is to become the controlling factor in any male-male
> interaction. Before people start flaming me, I know it has nothing to do
> with the gender of the person, but part of me is screaming to get away
> from men I feel sexually attracted towards.

I can't see anyone flaming you.  It's like someone saying they have a natural
wariness of redheads because a redhead stabbed them once, or like my friend
Deb not wanting to drive a Ford because she nearly died in once, her mom
nearly died in one once, and her dad DID die in one once.  It's reasonable.
You aren't saying you hate men, after all; you just say these are the things
you need in order to feel safe.

It's important to do what you need to do to feel safe, unless it's infringing
someone else's safety!

> Sorry if this is too heavy. Ignore me, I'm rambling, it's just I can't
> go into work at the moment because I'm so afraid of being amongst such
> big and powerful people. Flashbacks and stuff.

big, big, big warm hugs!  I appreciate your frankness, it can't have been easy,
but seeing that you share some of the same feelings I do does a lot for /me/,
so know that you've warmed someone else's day by expressing yourself.

hugs to all-
-Valerie-