From: Jesse.Taylor@bbs.oit.unc.edu (Jesse Taylor)
Newsgroups: rec.games.mud
Subject: Re: LARRY'S TINYSEX SEMINAR
Summary: (chuckle grin) I'm baaaaack! ParodyMan returns!
Keywords: silly parody but oh what fun it was to write
Date: 12 Sep 92 14:33:37 GMT
Organization: Extended Bulletin Board Service

"Rec.Games.Mud, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship
Usenet... It's continuing mission...to seek out new threads and new quotes
for .sigs...to find scum and execute them...to boldly go into discussion
topics where no one has gone before!"
 
(insert favorite theme song here)
 
[Scene: Bridge of the TC/IP Usenet. Several crew members lounge around.]
 
JUSTLOOKIE(into computer pad): Captains log, net.date SatSep12/09:41:12.
We have discovered a strange, and, hopefully intelligent life. However, it
has posted several odd things at us... We are investigating.
 
CHARRED(from sensor station): Captain! Something...weird on long range
scanners!
 
JUSTLOOKIE(standing up): On screen!
 
(the screen lights up to show reruns of 'AKIRA')
 
JUSTLOOKIE(annoyed): No, no, no, no! I meant, show the sensor reports on
the screen!!
 
(the screen changes to reveal a toilet bowl, flying through space)
 
JUSTLOOKIE: What in the heck?!
 
WIMP(from science station): Neat!
 
KITTY(from weapons): Captain, I recommend we blow them into tiny bits!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: What...what IS that?!
 
CHARRED(checking readouts): It appears to be... a ship belonging to our
arch-enemies, the Insult-Mongers!
 
JUSTLOOKIE(confused): The who?
 
CHARRED: Nonono... Not a band, they're a group who go around slinging
insults at anyone they feel is 'not as good' as they are!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Uh... you mean like the mudloser we fought in episode four?
 
CHARRED: Exactly.
 
KITTY: I knew it! They're Commie Mutant Traitors! Shoot 'em! Kill 'em!
Blow 'em up!!!
 
EVERYONE ELSE: Ahhh... shaddup!
 
KILBAD(from communications): Uh, sir! Incoming comm on line three!
 
JUSTLOOKIE(sighing): On screen! And no anime reruns this time!
 
(suddenly... a figure appears onscreen!)
 
FIGURE: Are you confused, scared, or embarrased when it comes to tinysex?
 
KILBAD(to himself): Chummer, there ain't nothin' tiny about it...
 
FIGURE: ...do you find youself asking people Star Trek trivia questions?
 
CHARRED(annoyed): HEY! What's wrong with Star Trek?!
 
FIGURE: ...do you pretend they're class +10 darkmages and cast the 'undead
cleric' spell on them?
 
JUSTLOOKIE: HA! There's no such thing! (aside, to crew) Is there? Check the
rulebooks, guys!
 
FIGURE: If the answers to these questions are both 'yes', you want to take
'Larrys Tinysex Seminar'.
 
EVERYONE ELSE: We do?
 
FIGURE: The seminar will include detailed descriptions of men and women's
private parts...
 
ALMOST EVERYONE: Neat!
 
KITTY: RRRrrrrrr!
 
FIGURE: A detailed description of what breasts look like...
 
ALMOST EVERYONE: Neat!
 
KITTY: @#$*%&#@!!!
 
DRAK-OR-NOT(sitting by the engineering panel): And following the thread on
rec.arts.anime wasn't enough?!
 
FIGURE: ...how to overcome the fear of mentioning various parts of the
sexual anatomy...
 
DRAK-OR-NOT: Hey, that's no problem, like...
 
EVERYONE ELSE: (glares at him)
 
DRAK-OR-NOT: Eh heh...
 
FIGURE: How to actually 'have' tinysex, with a live demonstration.
 
EVERYONE: WHAT?!
 
KITTY: Captain, I reccommend we destroy these obnoxious scum at once!!!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Quiet! There's more!!
 
KITTY(getting really ticked off): RRRRRR!!!
 
FIGURE: And now let's hear from some of our graduates...
 
(a new figure appears on the screen)
 
UPCHUP: My problem was that I spent so much time watching star trek and
playing dungeons-n-splatball that I completely forgot what a woman
looked like naked.  Not only did Larry's tinysex seminar tell me what
a naked woman looks like, but it also cured me of the dreaded
"Star trek trivia" sexual disorder.
 
DRAK-OR-NOT: WHAT?! They're badmouthing D&D and Star Trek!!! Fry those
@#*$%&@!!!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Just calm down! Calm down!
 
KYOOOOSAKI: The live demonstration by Firiss and Steve_Urkel was a big
help in overcoming my confusion as to what my "wee wee" was for.  Now I
know, and knowing is half the battle.
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Alright! That's it! Red alert, all hands battle stations!
 
EVERYONE ELSE: Yaaaaah! Go JUST, GO!
  
KITTY: Targetting main flame cannon, sir!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: FIRE!
 
(scene on the screen changes to a side view of the 'Space Toilet'. We get
to see a Usenet Arms Mk-IX Flame Cannon in operation. Messy, but effective.)
 
CHARRED: SIR! It's coming around again! We only bruised it!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: RRR... Must be of the same breed as the mudloser! It's too
stupid to know it's being flamed! Kitty, fire all weapons!
 
(outside view, again. Pieces of porcelain get blown off the Space Toilet.)
 
KITTY: It's too strong, captain!
 
KILBAD: It's coming right for us!
 
(Neat sound effects, the crew get thrown everywhere)
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Status report!
 
KITTY: Shields at 42%, main weapons inoperative!
 
DRAK-OR-NOT: Our main drive is offline, sir!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Divert power to shields!
 
(the Space Toilet rams the TC/IP Usenet again)
 
KITTY: Shields failing, captain!
 
DRAK-OR-NOT: Main generators are offline, sir! The antiSpam plant is
shutting down!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Time for... the secret weapon! (talks into his commlink)
McClawed, get me the secret weapon!
 
MCCLAWED: Dammit, Justlookie! I'm a healer, not an errand-boy!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: Just DO it!!!
 
MCCLAWED: Ok, ok... sheesh...
 
(everyone on the bridge turns to look as a bright blue figure flies out of
the airlock towards the Space Toilet. The Space Toilet turns and flees)
 
CHARRED: Sir... The Space Toilet has left the quadrant, with that blue guy
in pursuit... What *was* he, sir?!
 
JUSTLOOKIE: There's only one way to stop a dirty-mouthed toilet... With
'Mr. Tidy Bowl'!
 
EVERYONE: EEEyyyyuuuuwwww!
 
KILBAD: Uh... Loony on line two!
 
JUSTLOOKIE(picking up a phone): Hello?
 
FIGURE: Does this mean you won't take the seminar?
 
(Justlookie hangs up)
 
(Scenes of the crew partying, getting drunk, and heading off for parts
unknown)
 
(roll credits)
 
			STAR-SOMETHING ONE
		  A PROBABLY RELEVANT PARODY.
 
		ANY SIMILARITY OF CHARACTERS IN
		THE STORY TO REAL PEOPLE, LIVING
		OR DEAD, IS IMPOSSIBLE. CONSULT YOUR
		PSYCHIATRIST...
 
		NO OFFENSE INTENDED.
 
		(INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER HERE)
 
 

--
   The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of
     North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information
        Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service.
           internet:  bbs.oit.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80
Xref: sparky rec.games.mud:8787 rec.games.mud:8788