From: rudoff@mdd.comm.mot.com (Doug Rudoff)
Subject: Re: Angstlet
Organization: Motorola, Mobile Data Division - Seattle, WA
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 19:21:13 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.144224.28087@spectrum.xerox.com> eradm@wbst845e.xerox.com writes:
[Tale of being dumped by the pretending-you-don't-exist method]

I have my own tale to spin on this subject. It tore me up at the time,
but looking back at it, it's funny in a sad ironic way. And I learned
a lot in the process.

A year and a half ago I had a female friend who I did things with
fairly often. One of the things I liked about her and had respect for
was her straightforwardness. It was defintely only a platonic
relationship and I was quite comfortable with that ... until ... I
fell in love with her. And I knew she didn't feel the same way.

I never told her my feelings for her, but I'm sure it was obvious. And
her response was to cut off contact with me entirely. I agonized for
weeks over my non-returned phone calls. The last time I called her
number had been changed; she had moved. A few months before when I
moved she was the first of my friends to offer to help me move. The
irony didn't escape me. I felt like she decided to be purposefully
cruel to me by leaving things hanging. Which I'm sure was not the
case; it's just easier for some people not to confront a hard issue to
discuss.

I felt as if I did some unknown horrible thing to her (which for her
maybe falling in love with her was).

One of the hardest things to get over was that I has this false
expectation that she would have no problem in being honest with me.
Especially since she had been always upfront with me before. But she
couldn't when emotions were involved. 

In hindsight her decision to break things off was right, I just wish
she had enough fortitude and compassion to simply tell me, "Doug, I
don't think we should do things together anymore."

A few months later I tried to reconcile with her when I had I gotten
over her (Really! I had just started a new relationship - that didn't
work) and I knew I had no ulterior motives. We talked (but not about
what had happened between us) and since she had some books of mine we
agreed to meet for a beer when I returned from a two week vacation. I
felt great about taking a friendship that went bad and rebuilding it.

Two weeks later I left a message on her answering machine. Two days
later my books arrived in the mail with a note saying, "Here are you
books."  That's all. I wondered why she forgot the "Fuck off and die"
in her note.

We crossed paths a few months later at an outdoor concert. She saw me
and went the other way. It just seemed sad to me.

But, I only know my side of the story, not hers.

Despite the angst the whole experience caused, I learned a lot.
Certainly, nothing like this will happen again to me if I can avoid it
(if it does I'd be a complete idiot). And what I learned has already
many times stregthened my friendships and relationships with other
people.

The moral of the story is:

- If you're going to break up with someone, it's going to hurt him/her
no matter what you do. But at least tell him/her. Do it with
compassion, honesty and don't delay it.

- Some people can't deal with being honest when a relationship
falters.

- If there are doubts about the nature of a relationship, do not let
things go unsaid. (The last time we got together, I knew something was
wrong, but was afraid to bring it up.)

- If you ever have an unrequited love for someone hope you have the
strength to break things off yourself.

- Not all broken friendships/relationships can be fixed.

- [Add your own moral here]
-- 
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Doug Rudoff          Motorola, Seattle    INTERNET:rudoff@mdd.comm.mot.com
                                            USENET:uunet!mdisea!rudoff   
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-