From: clare@nynexst.com (Clare Chu)
Subject: Re: How to get daughter more career-minded?
Organization: Nynex Science and Technology
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 92 12:49:32 GMT

>In article <1992Sep28.160918.12999@engage.pko.dec.com> pub@riscee.pko.dec.com (Publius) writes:
>>We have a 4 years old daughter who is really bright.  Her preschool
>           ^^^^^^^^^^^
>>teacher, an elderly lady, told us that in her many decades of
>>experience as a preschool teacher, she has only met two preschoolers
>>this bright.  No need to say that we have great hope for her.
>                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>[Suggestions wanted on how to "encourage" (i.e. force) their daughter
>to be more career oriented.  Said daughter likes "The Little Mermaid"
>and wants to get married and have kids]
>[keeps referring back to doctors and how their daughter should consider
>being a doctor]
>

> [most posters say to CHILL OUT and not to worry, accusations of being
>  a pushy parent, etc.]


First off, I'd agree with most everyone about not worrying, a four year
old will likely change his/her mind from one day to the next.  Also that
I've met a lot of unhappy pre-meds who flunked chemistry whose parents
wanted them to be doctors, so I don't think anyone should wish being
a doctor on anyone, except themselves, if you catch my drift.

However the original poster (Publius) was worried that his/her little
girl was internalizing too much of society's definition of a female's
goal in life is to "get married and have kids."  No one seems to have
addressed this concern, which I think is valid.  Too many little girls
aspire to nothing more than a "handsome prince" to "rescue" them from
their dreary everyday life.  This is reflected in grown-up women still
waiting around for their prince, instead of living their lives or doing
their own thing.  It's like the "if I only lose 5 pounds, life would be
wonderful.  Then I can get a guy, then I can get married, then I can
live happily ever after."  There is too much reliance on getting happiness
from another person.  This would bother me whether in a boy or a girl.
But face it, most likely it is the little girls, and the big girls who
go around waiting for someone to "make them happy."  How many four year-old
boys go around saying, "When I grow up, I want to get married and live
happily ever after with my Valkerie wife."  Most little boys focus on
what they can DO, versus on what will happen to them via another person.

Maybe there are not many of us on the net who bought into this myth.
Somehow I guess that most women here are in some sort of profession.
But believe me, the path is littered with roomates and friends and
schoolmates who do wait around for some man to whisk them away from their
lousy jobs, who sit around waiting for the phone to ring, who go from
one un-nice guy to another, and who worry that they're 25 and not married
yet, and talk endlessly about their biological clocks.

Boys and men get their self-esteem and pride in their accomplishments.
But many women and girls are overly concerned about the approval of others.
Movies and fairy-tales only reinforce this for girls.  The boys are the
doers, the rescuers, the ones who provide the escape from evil step-mothers
or dreary surroundings.  The girls wait around passively, or devote their
energies to catching the prince.  Girls are judged on looks, boys are judged
on actions.  Main characters like "Sleeping Beauty", face it, she was asleep
during the whole fairy-tale and her only redeeming quality is her beauty
emphasize the passivity that is expected for a princess.  Any female character
who has any willpower, or any desires for power or success is deemed the
evil stepmother, the witch, the hag.  Active females who actually try to
do something to change the circumstances of their lives are automatically
classified as "evil", and in movies and TV shows (soap operas), the "bitch".
No wonder self-assured little girls favor the "bitches" in these shows, and
don't identify with the "princess", a simpering little piece of passivity.
Boys get a choice between hero and villian (both active roles).  Girls get
the lousy choice between princess (passive) and witch (active).

As a parent, yes I would be concerned. And as a 4 year-old I wanted to be a
PhD in a hard field, and yes, I did get my PhD in Applied Mathematics.
My parents did not push me.  They did provide an alternative to passivity
by pointing out the stereotyping and the brainwashing (that's what my mom
calls it) of the fairy-tales.  They did not ban Snow White or any of these
stories, but since we didn't have video, we weren't so hooked on any of
these tales (the way it seems like today's little girls are hooked on
the Little Mermaid, complete with Little Mermaid paraphrenelia).
For a good run-down of fairy tales, there was a book by Andrea Dworkin,
can't remember the name.  But it sure was interesting and eye-opening.
Newsgroups: misc.kids,misc.education,k12.chat.teacher,sci.med,chi.general