From: llama@pooh.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: When Things Go Bump (was Re: a cure for angst?)
Date: 19 Nov 92 20:40:25 GMT
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From: ST201026@brownvm.brown.edu (nathan marsh)

In article <1992Nov17.212531.11076@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu>,
rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins) said:
>[...]
>why. does anyone else have these feelings of being a fake, or that everyone's
>going to somehow 'find out' that you have no business doing what you're
>doing, or being who you are?

: Fear that someone "knows", I think, usually comes from inside and is
: projected onto other people.  That is, you feel fake and out of
: control, and fear that it must be obvious to other people.
:
: So what?  If they can recognize the signs, they've probably felt the
: same way themselves at some point.

but one of the key things about feeling like a fake is thinking that
no one else ever feels that way. it's tied into thinking that there's
a cosmic guidebook that everyone except you has seen. everyone else in
the world has figured this social stuff out, and you're just standing,
hands in pockets, looking at the ground and trying not to be noticed. 

it's true, though, that no one really knows the rules. this is where
the standard "we're all lost and there aren't any rules" rant would
go, except it's not true. there are a few fairly obvious rules (don't
spit on people if you want them to like you type stuff) and a huge
number of self-imposed personal rules.

we hang out, watch other people interact, and draw conclusions based
on what happens. then we apply this to our own lives, see the results,
and modify the formulas. so far, so good. but then sometimes we just
stop there. "when interacting with a man, i must be deferential and
admiring" mmight work for a while or with certain men, but it won't
work forever. too many women, though, get this far and then file the
rule away, enshrined in a glass display case, and never question it
again.

: Part of growing up is realizing that we're
: all just making it up as we go along.

and that there's no objective standard for how "good" or "bad" our
ways of coping are. either they work or they don't. if they don't
work, change them (boy, that's so much fun and easy to say). it
doesn't mean you're a terrible person, it just means there's a minor
glitch somewhere. 

: Part of the reason why we crave relationships is because we can fool
: ourselves into thinking our SO has a clue, is in control, etc, much
: like we viewed our parents when we were little kids.

hmmm. i was talking to my s.o. about some stuff in his life the other
day, and i was able to give him a new perspective on some of it. he
did the same for me the next day. it's not a matter of having a huge
amount of insight or being in control; it's recognizing that someone
who loves you can sometimes see patterns you're ignoring.

: Except that I've always been the one with the clue, the one with
: answers.
:
: So when Things Go Bump In The Night, who's gonna comfort me and tell
: me it's all right, huh?

the easy answer is you are, of course. the real answer is that in a
real relationship, the person who's always been the wise comforting
presence learns to give up the need to be in control, to know
everything, to make it all better. and the person who's always been
the one being guided and comforted and taught learns to comfort and
teach and help his/her partner grow.

in an ideal relationship, lovers bring out the best in each other,
even if doing so means temporarily inflicting pain. it's all balance.
sometimes you want to be held, and sometimes you're the one doing the
holding.

i'm not sure what this has to do with anything, though.

--
sine | deb
beyond childhood \ the faces of those who've made me \ elusive,
memories slick \ wet glass \ sliding past.  \ my soul increases, \
magpie.  \ seeking out shiny bits \ pieces of me in your head \
stealing \ compressing \ composing \ until we all agree \ (or almost).
\ me.  \ as proclaimed. not born. -- anon