From: betsyp@apollo.hp.com (Betsy Perry)
Subject: Re: Juggling Work and Family -- long term effects?
Summary: Oh, no, not again...
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 20:10:58 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Corporation, Chelmsford, MA



In article <3411@isgtec.isgtec.com> mike@isgtec.com (Mike Sellers) writes:
>I don't mean to suggest that Ms. Houge is wrong (obviously she and her
>husband are doing what they have to just to get by), but I have long 
>wondered about the long-term effects of raising children in daycare on 
>both the children and on the entire family.  Is there any reliable data 
>on this?  I think the basic numbers (see below) are compelling and sobering,
>and I really worry about a lot of the kids growing up (not *at all* the same 
>as "being raised") today.  I don't mean to pick on Ms. Houge's anxieties or
>on Ms. Creech's answers to them, but I think this is an issue that needs to 
>be carefully addressed.  

Unfortunately, this is a very emotional issue for most Americans. 
There is nothing more frightening/annoying than a suggestion that
"you're not doing what is best for your children."  I'm trying to stay
level-headed in this posting.  Please bear in mind that I'm defending
my choice, to put my daughter in day care; I am NOT attacking those
who, faced with the same facts, decided to stay at home with children.

>Unfortunately, with the costs in many locales today and the materialistic
>lifestyle of some parents, the issue of who is parenting our children is,
>I think, generally being ignored or at best glossed over.  My fear is that 
>this issue will not only not go away, but that it will be revisited upon us 
>with a vengeance in the next decade or so, as our children become adults.

In fact, the issue of "who is parenting our children" is anything but
glossed over; there are scare stories in the newspaper practically
weekly, reporting the results of the latest study which shows that
daycare is good/bad/indifferent for children.  This is hardly the
first generation of children to experience day care, by the way;
extensive studies of the Rosie The Riveter babies, born to working
mothers and cared for in government-run nurseries during World War II,
showed, as I recall, no damage or benefit.  It is somewhat insulting
to say that working parents are glossing over the issues you raise;
believe me, we think a *lot* about those issues.  I thought just as
hard about whether to continue working as I did about whether to have
a child in the first place.

>(especially given that it is so painful to many people), but I think it
>needs to be pointed out that the few hours in the evening (say, the 2-3 
>between 6 when you pick your child up and 8 or 9 when they go to bed) do 
>not outweigh the many (8-10?) hours that they spend with another person 
>during the day.  

The assumptions on which your numbers are based don't match
my experience.  My daughter is in daycare from 9-5, with a 2-hour nap.
That makes six hours in day care, and six hours awake at home with me.
Plus weekends, which are full-time with me.  In any case, the research
I've seen shows clearly that children in day-care normally bond emotionally
with their parents, not their providers, unless the parents are
completely absent or detached.

>> The time you spend with him in the
>> evening is very valuable and since there's one of him and two of you, he
>> will get lots of attention.  
>
>The idea of "quality time" is, unfortunately, largely a myth; while you may 
>feel compelled to make every moment count, you cannot tell a young child that 
>since you're home from work, *now* is the time when you two will build a 
>relationship.  While any competent daycare provider will not try to usurp
>your position as parent, they cannot help but provide much of the attention
>that is needed to build a close relationship with your child if they are to 
>lovingly provide for them.  

But I don't have to tell my child that *now* is the time when
we build our relationship;  she knows that time with Mommy is
different from time at daycare, and she enjoys both of them.  When
she's with me, we have home time, where she's the center of attention;
when she's at daycare, she has group time, where there are lots of
different people and interesting things to see.  She benefits
from both.  I don't have the energy to provide the kind of
stimulation she gets all day at daycare (I'm wiped out by
2PM on the weekends);  daycare doesn't have the space to
provide the kind of one-on-one quiet time she gets with me.

>> The time spent at daycare will be valuable too, when he's older, because 
>> being around other kids will teach him a whole lot.
>
>I suppose this is true, if you have only one child.  The downside of this,
>of course, is many time the number of colds and other childhood diseases
>and (especially in short-staffed institutional daycare) a much lower 
>parent-child ratio than is found in the home.  

Actually, recent studies show that daycare children get their colds
from daycare; only children get the same slew of colds when they first
attend school; and siblings get the colds from their older brothers
and sisters.  The number of colds doesn't change, only what stage
of life the child gets them in.

While the above sentiment 
>may help assuage much of the torment of a parent of a daycare child, I 
>don't think that a daycare situation can be seen as advantageous from 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>the child's point of view, even in social terms.  Siblings provide the
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>same role without the drawbacks of other daycare children.  

You don't know my child.  Siblings (except twins) are generally widely
spaced.  My daughter enjoyed watching other babies when she was three
months old.  Most babies see other babies in playgroups, not in the
immediate family.  Siblings are different than peers; both can be
useful parts of a child's development.  My daughter is very interested
in toilet-training because every day she sees seven other little
children going to the potty.  If I were at home with her alone, I
could describe why potties are useful, but I couldn't model the
behavior half so effectively.  She learns by imitating her friends.

In any case, daycare provides my daughter much more than simply
warehousing: her daycare center thinks of clever play opportunities I
wouldn't have considered, has an enormous range of age-appropriate
toys, and has playground equipment I couldn't possibly afford (and
that isn't provided by the town we live in.)

For my daughter, daycare has been a very happy experience.  At
daycare, she has teachers who have rest breaks, who can get away if
they're too stressed out to deal with a child.  She has teachers who
are trained in early childhood development and have often traded tips
with me on parenting.  She is the focus of the imaginations of four
different teachers who swap and compare ideas.  Daycare meets Ellen's
stimulation needs in a way that I find very difficult to duplicate at
home.
    
Let me repeat here that I am not saying "Daycare is better than
at-home parenting".  I am saying "For my daughter, daycare has been a
positive experience, and has provided positive experiences that she
could not have enjoyed at home."

>Frankly, as a parent this situation would frighten me.  If this level of
>inattention is generally the case, then what kind of lessons are your 
>children being taught?  Above and beyond walking, how are they learning to 
>use a fork, to share, to be polite, to not hit, to read, to dress themselves,
>to take responsibilities, and to follow your morals and ethics?  

Yes to all of the above.  In fact, she's learned a lot more about
sharing at daycare than at home -- at home, there's nobody to share
with!  I picked a daycare center because it shared my ethics about how
to raise children -- I wanted a place that cherished children's play
and didn't force-feed education, and that was run by people who loved
children.  My daughter wouldn't be there if I didn't approve of the
moral lessons I've seen her learn.

>  Daycare seems to offer many choices between Scylla and 
>Charybdis: Do you want them to teach your children what they have time for 
>and/or think is right, or worse, nothing at all? 

My center teaches my daughter what the teachers believe to be right. 
When there are conflicts, I talk to the teachers and we come to a
compromise.  I don't expect my daycare center to provide my daughter's
total moral environment;  we both teach Ellen not to hit people, not
to shout indoors, and to be kind, just as we both taught Ellen how to
eat with a spoon and how to roll a truck.  (She learned to blow
raspberries solely from me. ;-)

 Is there a solution to this
>dilemma which does not harm our children?  

Yes.  Daycare doesn't have to harm children.  *Bad* daycare harms
children, as does bad parenting.  There is no evidence that
high-quality daycare harms them, or their parents.
-- 
Betsy Hanes Perry   (note P in userid)     betsyp@apollo.hp.com
Hewlett-Packard Company
"I'm sorry, I turned off my hearing aid.  Could you repeat the
question, please?"