From: julie@cucbs.chem.columbia.edu (Julie Wright)
Subject: Re: New Relationships...
Organization: The Cultural Elite
	<12DEC199223015971@stars.gsfc.nasa.gov> <oneil.724227891@cwis>
	<1992Dec14.220240.25187@cbfsb.cb.att.com>
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 22:21:51 GMT

kevinc@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (kevin.j.coulter) writes:
 
>oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil) writes:

>>How important /is/ sex to a relationship?

>It depends on the individual. And I don't really think gender has much
>to do with it. 

That's definitely my impression too. 

>I feel that if someone is truly in love with someone, and 
>either person doesn't want sex, the other person should understand and
>respect that. If they don't, then the relationship really doesn't exist.

I fully support anyone's right to say no to sex, and I think it's wrong
for anyone to guilt-trip them about it.  However, the person who wants
sex shouldn't feel forced to stay in the relationship if it genuinely
makes them unhappy (IMO).  If there's a real incompatibility, it's probably
better to break it off -- if the only other option is for the people
to blame each other for being "wrong" in their attitudes.

I am sure that for many people, the good things about the relationship
would outweigh the lack of sex even if they would have preferred to have
sex sooner.

(Of course, it's hard for me to believe that this conflict would happen
_after_ the people were in love (as you specify above), but I can certainly
picture it happening before that.)

>If someone is going out with someone because their main goal is getting
>lucky, thats not a relationship (IMHO).  

Yes, but the options aren't just a) sex is no big deal and b) sex
is everything.  Many people fall somewhere in between those.

>[...] However, I maintain that anyone worth having would respect someone's
>opinion of not wanting sex or wanting to wait until they were sure they
>were in love with this person. 

_Respect_, yes, absolutely.  But for some people, it might illustrate some
personality differences that made a serious relationship look like not
such a great idea.  For myself, I wouldn't want to make a blanket
statement either way.  I generally seem to be on the same wavelength
on this as the people I get involved with, so it isn't really an issue,
and I'm not sure how I'd react if it were.  

>Without BOTH people wanting sex, it
>shouldn't happen. And people shouldn't let their partners put guilt
>trips on them if they don't have sex with them......  

Very true.  People also shouldn't let their partners guilt trip them
for wanting to have sex, IMO, if they're willing to take no for an
answer graciously (i.e. without guilt trips!).

>So in answer to your question, Sharon, the guy who dumped you wasn't
>worth having, 

It does not sound like a good match, certainly, so he's not worth having
for Sharon; but who knows, he might have found someone to suit his tastes.
He sounds rather unreasonably picky on this issue from your description,
though, Sharon.  Either way it does sound like you're better off without
him, but then, you knew that...

>and sex shouldn't be a major thing in a REAL relationship
>as far as I'm concerned.....

Uh... we'll have to agree to disagree here, I guess.  

---Julie
-- 
%  I wonder why it is that when I plan a route too carefully it      %
%  goes to pieces, whereas if I blunder along in blissful ignorance  %
%  aimed in a fancied direction I get through with no trouble.       %
%                      --- John Steinbeck (_Travels with Charley_)   %
Newsgroups: soc.singles