From: pooder@rchland.vnet.ibm.com (Don Fearn)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Re: does it ever stop hurting
Date: 22 Dec 92 22:26:25 GMT
Reply-To: pooder@msus1.msus.edu
Organization: IBM Rochester
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM

It may never stop hurting.  But it does ease some, and I've gotten some 
used to the hurt.  

Last July when I was still sure that I would never find satisfaction with
my life again, I told my story to this group.  There were many and varied
responses, and each of them in its own way helped me with putting my life
back together and getting on.

To those of you who helped me, thanks.  I'm doing OK.  I've got a 
different job (still in IBM, Rochester); I graduated from college; I've 
never felt closer to my kids and parents; and my relationship with Deborah 
is better than ever.

I still have times of crazyness, but I've learned to expect that and to 
know that they'll last only a short while.  I still have a great deal of
guilt, anger, and sadness to deal with, but I'm dealing with them better
and better.

To those of you who responded -- thank you, Thank You, and THANK YOU  
(I do have e-mail now, but I didn't keep your addresses).

This is the original post:

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This looks like a good place to find some suggestions of how to get on with
my life after having an almost unbearable loss.  I hope it is.

Just over a year ago my fiancee, Bonnie, her son, and I were returning from my
high school's 20 year class reunion.  I was driving.  As we left her
folks' place
I somehow failed to see an approaching train.  It hit the car on the passenger
door at about 40mph.  Her son and I were severly injuried.  Bonnie was killed.

I have recovered physically and my mental abilities are mostly coming back,
but despite all I have been trying, I can't seem to get on with recovering
emotionally.  I've been in a grief support group, I've been seeing a
psychologist (one with whom I had been working before the accident, so I
know and trust him), I'm in a group for divorced and widowed people, I have
friends and family, and I talk and talk and talk.

It seems like just when I get to feeling ok, everything comes crashing back
down and I can't keep on.  My job is suffering, my kids don't get the
attention they need, and most things I used to enjoy have lost their flavor.
So many things remind me of her and I just fall apart too often.  Or I go
on autopilot and bury all my feelings with a frenzy of activities.  Neither
works well.

I met (well, I knew her before, but just socially) someone new and got into
a relationship within two months after the accident.  Deborah is good for me
and very supportive, but I'm afraid of hurting the relationship with all I'm
dealing with.  We've talked about just being apart for a while (how long?) to
give me time to get through this, but that would feel too much like another
loss and I couldn't handle that now.  Besides, I like our being together too
much.  It's getting more and more serious and I like that, but I'm so afraid
something is going to happen to her, too.  We went to Winnipeg and back and
had a wonderful time, too, but I still worry.

I'm living with so much guilt.  I caused the accident that killed Bonnie.  I
should have seen the train and stopped.  I got involved with Deborah right
away; it know must look like I didn't even care about Bonnie that much.  I'm
not keeping up with my job like I should, because I can't handle the logic
due to brain injuries.  My new job should begin next week, but I don't know
if I'll handle that, either.

I'm reminded of what happened so often.  I drive past the house we were
going to buy on my way to work.  Every time someone does something dumb
on the road and I mutter "stupid ,%$*" I'm brought up short with the
thought, "But they didn't kill anybody on the highway; I did."  I even fell
to pieces when I found a broom that was Bonnie's in the laundry room.

I spent most of this morning in the men's room crying because of a letter I
saw posted on the misc.kids newsgroup.  Any ideas on how to go on?  It won't
stay this hard, will it?  I can't keep on much longer if it does.

Please suggest anything that may help.  Thanks,
                                                      
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   Pooder  -  Rochester, MN   
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  "What Do *You* Care What Other People Think?" -- Richard Feynman 
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