HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Announcement
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1993 22:23:11 GMT

In Gooley's (hopefully short-lived) absence, I hereby declare myself
acting Gooley-in-Charge (a lot like "Charles in Charge", but more interesting).

I will now proceed to send pathetically lustful e-mail to all of the women
on the net, and claim with ardor that I am lonely. 

Matt., ho hum
mdw@tc.cornell.edu

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby,talk.bizarre
From: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Staggered the mutant flamencino icepick, Hung am I
Reply-To: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood)
Organization: Loughborough University, UK.
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 00:01:06 GMT

Gooley wrote Welsh's stuff. Oh dear.
Gooley needs a *long* vacation to recover, if this is the current state of
his work.

Alternatively, if he's posting his spike-pile of crap stories under Matt's
pseudonym, he should stop, and delete it, as God meant it to be.

L. (hoping not to hear of Gooley or Welsh for a long time)

Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:925 misc.test:15099
From: corleyj@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (Jason D Corley )
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,misc.test
Subject: Re: sex
Date: 12 Jan 93 01:40:22 GMT
Organization: University of Arizona, Tucson

In article <1993Jan11.221837.2303@nsisrv.gsfc.nasa.gov> bur@ultisol.gsfc.nasa.gov (MAC) writes:
>In article <1iq93fINNfdm@life.ai.mit.edu> daz@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu (David A. Z.) writes:
>>Because I said so, and BOTH OF THEM ARE BLUE!
>
>Hey, leave my balls out of this.


I'll leave your balls out of this if you'll leave this out of your balls.
Beach bums panhandle for frying utensils as the uptight sexpot seethes and
weaves a pair of wicker saddlebags.  Nasty, isn't it, I say.
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby,talk.bizarre
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Re: Staggered the mutant flamencino icepick, Hung am I
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 18:07:13 GMT

In article <1993Jan6.015640.8660@lut.ac.uk> L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood) writes:
>
>God, this is crap. Come back, Gooley, all is forgiven.
>
>L.

Knew you'd give in. This is the guy who said that he *liked* the fact Gooley
wasn't posting. Quick hint, clue boy: I didn't write a word of these Gooley
stories. 

Gooley did. I only posted them.

mdw, gotcha

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:894 talk.bizarre:43477
From: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Goodbye
Date: 4 Jan 93 18:27:00 GMT
Reply-To: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood)
Organization: Loughborough University, UK.

Okay, Gooley's not posting. Roger Carrasso has no access. Sioux hasn't been
heard from in a while.

Man, I *LIKE* the way this froup is improving.

L.

** Hi Jon! Made any good .sigs up lately? **
Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:905 talk.bizarre:43606 alt.religion.kibology:5652 alt.good.news:1189
From: ovr@lk-hp-22.hut.fi (Otto-Ville Ronkainen)
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology,alt.good.news
Subject: Re: What new innovation, software or products do you want to see?
Date: 5 Jan 1993 18:47:12 GMT
Organization: L{nsi-Uudenmaan Keisarillinen Polyteknillinen Koulu
Distribution: inet
Reply-To: ovr@snakemail.hut.fi (Otto-Ville Ronkainen)
NNTP-Posting-Host: lk-hp-22.hut.fi

In article <1993Jan5.082503.9321@netcom.com> cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton) writes:
>1) What I would like to see is some sort of system or device which 
>would instantly track down and locate the authors of stupid and grossly 
>inappropriate cross-postings, in the hands of an elite commando paratrooper
>team.  At the first sign of such a posting, they would leap into action,
>drop a team into place, riddle the hapless author's body with bullets, 
>and blow up his computer.

Hey, it wasn't cross-posted (strictly speaking). Now, the real question is
why he didn't use anon.penet.fi to multi-post these messages. (Oh, and
thanks for M-x warlord-bait.)
--
Ott-Vill R______________________
ovr@snakemail.hut.fi
From: hh@soda.berkeley.edu (Eric Hollander)
Newsgroups: ucb.org.csua,alt.non.sequitur
Subject: knives
Date: 11 Jan 1993 04:00:14 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.berkeley.edu


Please don't throw knives.
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,talk.bizarre
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Frantic haberdasheries give birth to wet freon lipstick
Followup-To: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,alt.tasteless
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1993 22:17:34 GMT

I wrote this all myself. I SWEAR TO GOD.

	Crumbling gestations had made their mark upon her plasticine face. 
	"Would you like an orange?" her slithery voice implanted, sending 
rosemary streams of doubt into the bedroom of my skull. I asked her for her 
number on the spot, and noticed, when with some effort she tore her hand out 
of her pocketbook, that it was a hook, crusty with the remains of her late 
husband's liver. I accepted the orange, which was her mouth, and tasted 
metallic fangs vaguely coated with syrup and egg. Inside her ear there was a 
windup toy. I wound it up and heard a crackle that roared across the train 
tracks outside.

	Warped by her suggestion, I put her in my wallet and took the next 
train, careful to avoid the suspicious glances of the painted china dolls who 
eyed me with loathing. Cracking the conductor in two, I discovered a rattling 
sequoia in his nostrils, which itself contained a tender, lifeless breast. 
Affixing it to my wallet companion, I saw that my pocket had begun to heave. 
Running for the corridor, I found, to my distaste, that it was not a corridor 
at all, but rather a depraved alleyway frequented by lonely ambassadors.

	Her glass eyes flashed. A phony voice squeaked, "I am alive now. Marry 
me." When I took her to Vital Statistics, they reduced her to numbers and gave 
me a perfect woman in exchange, whom I was required to register within three
fortnights on pain of torture. Taking out my pocketbook, I noticed a crumpled
note inside: "You have betrayed me. The police are on your trail."

Matt., my touch is gone
mdw@tc.cornell.edu
-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: ucb.org.csua,alt.non.sequitur
From: SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Subject: Re: knives
Organization: Yale University
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 93 10:40:48 EST

In article <1iqrce$8kn@agate.berkeley.edu>
hh@soda.berkeley.edu (Eric Hollander) writes:
>
>Please don't throw knives.
 
Please shop with me, the frog gulped, growing grim.
Let snoopers take the suitcases to jail,
Eating the raw fish wrapped in rice, the quail
As yet unhatched. Soon we will fry with Jim.
 
Soon there will be a party and a score
Enough for elegance. Off to the shore!
Don't wit with me, or I will feed you more!
 
Or have you seen the loony spoons at night,
Nosing their way through luminescent peas,
Taking their gaze off of the mystic freeze --
Throw them away! I can't endure the sight!
 
Haven't you read the paper in the news?
Read about Casper! See the way he chews!
Only a ghost like that could dig the blues!
 
Wasn't it you, who said, in eighty-five,
"Knives shall succumb --" oh prophet, it was you.
No as an answer will not strike me true;
I am rejoicing that you are alive.
 
Vodka galore! Bring out the oysters too!
Even Godzilla wants to play with you!
Sing happy five! And march through pools of glue!
 
Diana
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
From: kevin@wicat.com (Kevin Vigor)
Subject: Re: Goodbye
Reply-To: kevin@elvis.wicat.com
Organization: WICAT Systems
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 20:48:39 GMT

bhoughto@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton) writes:

>>Okay, Gooley's not posting. Roger Carrasso has no access. Sioux hasn't been
>>heard from in a while.  Man, I *LIKE* the way this froup is improving.

>Bite me royal blue, cave newt.

>				--Blair
>				  "Displace one note, and
>				   there would be diminishment."

Well, there's still obviously room for improvement.
-- 
		Peace & PopTarts, 
			Kevin
Email to the reply address will almost certainly bounce; use
72500.3705@compuserve.com
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Re: Goodbye Reunion Goodbye
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 15:40:37 GMT

In article <1993Jan7.000858.10213@lut.ac.uk> L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood) writes:
>
>A Reunion - a homage to the Beatles
> 
>The rain beat a grim tattoo on the slightly balding cranium of
>Reginald Oswald P Reggie to his friends P as he struggled
>unsuccessfully to find that impossibly stubborn C6 chord. 

This is the most fantastic, best piece of writing I have seen in a 
LONG time. I think here you have captured the very essence of 
pseudofactorization---the Quasimodo of the Soul, even. I'm quite 
impressed.

mdw (396 other lines deleted)

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,misc.test
From: SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Subject: Re: sex
Organization: Yale University
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 93 03:22:24 EST

In article <16B54282F.JONSARC@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
JONSARC@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu writes:
 
> Chew the unfertilized, unpeeping fetuses well.  The windmill keeps the joy
>out of the babe's face and cough.  Rest well in the land of rollerbladers.  If
>they are intermediate, you won't have to worry about the USPS.  They come at
>any time.  Patience is a hellish lesson.  Sandwiches unmade and beds unkept.
>Next the platypus wants a new home.  Too bad.  I'm not there yet.
>Goosepimples and prockly fabric would have been my calling.  s
 
Your calling has oft saved me. And I do remember when the lilies brought
sodium out of the cedar purlocks. Thanks for the reminder of patience. It
resonates like the glockenspiel mixed with rheumatic alabaster pups. mallards
sleep but the movement shall never die. Like a bestiary in the climes, it
hopes to breed new tin cans. to those who sound hollow when knocked: we know
about dessert. I thing a Wawa run is in order now, for me at least.
 
Ben & Jerry's
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology,alt.good.news
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Re: What new innovation, software or products do you want to see?
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 03:31:37 GMT

In article <sehari.726197351@du139-206.cc.iastate.edu> sehari@iastate.edu (Babak Sehari) writes:
>---
>What type of new innovation, software or products do you want to be
>introduced to the market place.  No answer is stupid.  The things
>that might be unachievable to you, might be very easy to produce
>by others.  You could become part of history by initiating the process of
>innovation.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to see a Gerbil Toaster that
WORKS.

mdw

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:907 alt.fan.gooley:179 alt.pets.chia:11 rec.sport.rugby:1925
From: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby
Subject: Re: Staggered the mutant flamencino icepick, Hung am I
Date: 6 Jan 93 01:56:40 GMT
Reply-To: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood)
Organization: Loughborough University, UK.


God, this is crap. Come back, Gooley, all is forgiven.

L.
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,misc.test
From: JONSARC@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Subject: Re: sex
Organization: Yale University
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 93 13:56:32 EST

In article <16B542F83.SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu writes:
 
>Your calling has oft saved me. And I do remember when the lilies brought
>sodium out of the cedar purlocks. Thanks for the reminder of patience. It
>resonates like the glockenspiel mixed with rheumatic alabaster pups. mallards
>sleep but the movement shall never die. Like a bestiary in the climes, it
>hopes to breed new tin cans. to those who sound hollow when knocked: we know
>about dessert. I thing a Wawa run is in order now, for me at least.
>
>Ben & Jerry's
 The want of goop and glop has oft unnerved a lactating prune.  Suckle safely-
and take care when the night eagles swoop.  Thor will always protect you.
I;ve oft the chance to miss the security of his claws ripping though the
flesh.  But, alas, the men have abandoned ship.  I throw no rocks and wish
them regularity and minimal unwanted fluids.   Sarah
 
 
 
 
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby,misc.test,talk.bizarre
From: bur@ultisol.gsfc.nasa.gov (MAC)
Subject: Re: Staggered the mutant flamencino icepick, Hung am I
Reply-To: nobody@nowhere
Organization: Yes.
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 17:29:32 GMT

In article <1993Jan6.180713.10722@tc.cornell.edu> mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh) writes:
>In article <1993Jan6.015640.8660@lut.ac.uk> L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood) writes:
>>
>>God, this is crap. Come back, Gooley, all is forgiven.
>>
>>L.
>
>Knew you'd give in. This is the guy who said that he *liked* the fact Gooley
>wasn't posting. Quick hint, clue boy: I didn't write a word of these Gooley
>stories. 
>
>Gooley did. I only posted them.
>
>mdw, gotcha
>
>-- 
>Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
>  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne


Come now Matt, that was too easy.  I mean really, L. Wood?  Mr. Wanker
himself.  Lloyd, if you take .357 to the roof of your mouth right now,
it wont be soon enough.  Die you fool.


Ta-ta for now,
M
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,misc.test
From: SENDIAA@YaleVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Subject: Re: sex
Organization: Yale University
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 93 02:31:48 EST

heya sarah looks like the swarms of centrifuges have fulmigated out of their
belgian toothbreesh. me too wants a little punch and clover chew but it looks
like endurance will have to win over that old tupperware. if i were to be
imprisoned now it would be a joyful moment because then the crickets would not
be not singing to my off-tunings. i do like okra sometimes, and that makes
ballet a little comical. i am tentative right now as a noveice rollerblader
but should not be so dependent on the sunrise, eh? kthe eggs look sunny side
up, eh, and me is in for a bit of groovy tubes
 
diana
Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:919 talk.bizarre:43879
From: ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu (Arthur Delano)
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Goodbye Reunion Goodbye
Followup-To: alt.supermodels
Date: 7 Jan 1993 20:16:52 GMT
Organization: finchhaus
NNTP-Posting-Host: helen.oit.itd.umich.edu

Your Friendly Information Service would like to 
provide two Free Lessons.

lesson number one: when writing on a computer with the
intention of posting electronically, be certain that all
the characters you use are to be found in the appropriate
places in the ansi standard ascii table.

lesson number two: when writing on the computer with the
intention of posting electronically, do not write anything
which requires more than ten minutes to compose and proofread.

AjD
-- 
                       ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu
"You'll never find happiness as a human being, kid." -- Suehiro Maruo
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
From: dac@prolix.apana.org.au (Andrew Clayton)
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Goodbye
Date: Mon, 04 Jan 1993 10:34:59 GMT
Organization: More like Dis~, really.
X-Newsreader: Arn V1.00

In article <1i7t1jINNfrn@terminator.rs.itd.umich.edu>, Arthur Delano writes:

> In article <1993Jan3.165640.2444@advtech.uswest.com> mgooley@advtech.uswest.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
> >I will not be posting to talk.bizarre or alt.non.sequitur for a while.
> >Perhaps a bit of lurking and some e-mail responses, but no more.
> 
> two days.

Two weeks. Longer than that, and his brain will melt.
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology,alt.good.news
From: cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton)
Subject: Re: What new innovation, software or products do you want to see?
Organization: t.b, t.p.d, & a.d
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 08:25:03 GMT

Matt Welsh (mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU) wrote:
: In article <sehari.726197351@du139-206.cc.iastate.edu> sehari@iastate.edu (Babak Sehari) writes:
: >---
: >What type of new innovation, software or products do you want to be
: >introduced to the market place.  No answer is stupid.  The things
: >that might be unachievable to you, might be very easy to produce
: >by others.  You could become part of history by initiating the process of
: >innovation.

1) What I would like to see is some sort of system or device which 
would instantly track down and locate the authors of stupid and grossly 
inappropriate cross-postings, in the hands of an elite commando paratrooper
team.  At the first sign of such a posting, they would leap into action,
drop a team into place, riddle the hapless author's body with bullets, 
and blow up his computer.

2) The really intriguing thing about this plea is that (for once) it 
was not cross-posted to talk.bizarre.  This suggests several possibilities:
 a) The author has heard WARNINGS;
 b) The auto-poster still hasn't worked its way down to the "t"s;
 c) Someone thoughtfully forged a cancel for us;
 d) Item 1) already exists and is being applied appropriately.

  -- Clifton

--
cliftonr@netcom.com     Home: +1 808 521 9073  Work: +1 808 625 3234
Clifton Royston, Pope of the Church of the Subgenius in Paradise
"Some lives are like that." - attributed to Mark. Gooley
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Danube and Aristotle on Manchester Court, 3 o'clock high
Followup-To: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.matt.welsh,alt.stupidity
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 19:14:28 GMT

I discovered that her ears were not real at all, but were rather fiberglass
alternatives to storm windows developed by descendants of the Vikings. She
offered me the opportunity to taste behind them, provided I maintained my
dignity and control. The taste, sweet, sour and crusty, like a moldy lemon
meringue pie abandoned in a steam room in Alsace, reminded me of my first
love, who had offered me her lips and then demanded them back by means of a
series of lawsuits buffered by a hideous Armenian lawyer Obsidurian, who
obtusely obscured the obdurate obsidian lies lying behind her icicle smile.
The memory began to Cheshirize itself bit by bit, and, finding that the
ears had lost their appeal, I began to peel them. Peals of sarcastic bowels
resounded in the room next door, and, overcome with curiosity, I strode in,
only to discover a roomful of contorted Cyclops women, shriveled and
shrieking, offering me spoons with which to gouge their eyes. I dipped a
Florida-made 1957 sterling grapefruit spoon into the dilated baseball-sized
pupil of the first woman to put her boneless arm around me. It tasted mild,
vaguely like a mixture of vintage Sicilian chianti and roast artichokes
steamed in Garam-Masala amidst the stench of a Bombay alleyway.

She asked me to chain her to the wall so that her existence would not
evaporate, as had happened to all the other effervescent Mediterranean lobster
eyes. But at that moment, having transformed myself into a can of hairspray in
order to evade the police, I could do no more than make a sizzling noise of
despair.

Matt., really enjoying myself
mdw@tc.cornell.edu

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre,alt.fan.matt.welsh
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Gargantuan manifesto of Uranium Pitchblende, just 99 cents
Followup-To: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,alt.sex.carasso
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 03:34:21 GMT

I rushed for the harem. Crowded on the marshmallow steps was an assemblage of
geometrical prostitutes. I opted for the hexagon, who knitted spaghetti while
smiling at me through smudged green-orchid lipstick. "I am glad you have
come," her brillo-pad voice scraped.

"I haven't come yet," I observed with muffled embarrasment. "Give me a
minute." She stroked my hair, the eds of which were ravenously feeding on the
worms sprouting from her nostrils. "Give me a rake," she said. "A warm rake
that I can use in the garden to hide my entrails." She then confessed to me
through hexahedronal tears that she coughed out her intestines under each
new moon while feeding her menstrual drippings to the pet serpent. Allured
and perspicacious, I asked her how to become a serpent. She showed me the
writhing technique used by Rat-al-Hamad, in which I would squeeze the right
breast of each prostitute into a cup of lukewarm tomato juice, then drink
slowly while being caressed at all angles.

At that moment the police arrived for routine interior examinations. The
hexagon embraced me, coating me with bacon-dripping perfume. "Help me,"
she groaned. "I have something in there that they must not find."

I reached into her ice-cold cavern only to find that it was inhabited by
windup wooden weevils. "Haha!" she shrieked. Now only an ostrich can
love you!" She started pecking with her beak. Blood jetted from my veins
and I glimpsed my own image in the red pool at my feet. It was only then that
I noticed how hairy her bird legs were.

Suddenly she flashed a badge. "FBI," she cackled. "You have broken the law."

Matt., these are vapid and empty
mdw@tc.cornell.edu

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre,alt.fan.matt.welsh
From: mdw@db.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh)
Subject: Staggered the mutant flamencino icepick, Hung am I
Followup-To: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby
Organization: Jim's Burger Hut 
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 19:16:50 GMT

Elk hide had long transplanted the musky afterglow of her seductive smile.
Bracing herself against me, she guided my hand along her thighs. "Feels good?"
she whispered enticingly, lighting a myrrh-scented candle and feeding me
grapes which she had brought that very day from the Pyrenees. I could not
trust the semblance of flesh. I seized her, squeezed her, and examined her
under my 18th-century microscope from the collection of Peter the Great. I saw
the History of Europe below my flaming nostrils (I had just become a dragon),
and, convinced that she was not lying, I blew her up with helium. Now a blimp,
she assumed me, with some levity, into her arms. I tied a few streamers with
my name onto her tail, and we soared together through the Norwegian lights,
into the bleak Helsinki day.

The waiter took an immediate dislike to us, spilling our wine and speaking a
language we only knew through written Berlitz propaganda. Homeless bat rays
clustered around the window, eying us with lecherous envy, while the leeches
in the wine bottle lost their hold.

I had better stop here.

Matt., shameless and lost
mdw@tc.cornell.edu

-- 
Matt Welsh     mdw@tc.cornell.edu     Cornell Theory Center
  "It's a Katana, ya Midwestern computer geek." --Tom Payne
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,talk.bizarre
From: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Goodbye
Reply-To: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood)
Organization: Loughborough University, UK.
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 00:06:23 GMT

I don't bite tadpoles or newt spawn - it offends my higher sense
of morality.  

Offend net.god - lose 5 points

L.
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.fan.gooley,alt.pets.chia,rec.sport.rugby