From: sokay@cyclone.mitre.org (Stephen J. Okay)
Subject: Re: tiredness.
Organization: Mitre Corporation, McLean, VA
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 17:16:05 GMT

In article <1992Sep28.145241.1804@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> rfarmer@nyx.cs.du.edu (Rex Farmer) writes:
>
>I have no loans and no debts.  Sponging off ones parents is another good way
>to increase your guilt amounts.

Yup...especially if they are Catholic parents, they can induce massive amounts
of guilt..I am currently living w/ the 'rents in order to save up money to go
back to school in another year or so. This will let me pay for school, pay off 
the car and do the slightly-better-than-starving grad student thing for at least
a year or so totally debt-free. Despite the constant parenting that continues, I
consider it worth it if I can actually get out of here in a year owing nothing to
no-one.           

ObAngst:I will have to pick up an assistantship or something somewhere after the
first year or so if I want to be able to keep doing this and I don't know how hard 
that is.

>>>of becoming a crusty old spinster because my tastes rarely intersect with 
>>>anyone else's. 
>>I'd be more afraid of becoming crusty than of becoming a spinstress.

I don't worry about not getting married that much, but like you, one of my big
fears is just ending up 70 years old as some totally crusty bitter old dude all
alone w/ no friends or companionship or anything...
I've got this scenario of what happens to me in 40-50 years where I'm just totally
alone, friends and family long gone or out of touch with. One winter's morning, I
fall down the stairs coming out of my apartment and shatter several bones in the resultant
tumble. They take me to the hospital and treat me, only to put me out on the steps
after finding out I don't have any insurance. I end up freezing there. Roll down the
curtains, end of story...


>Unfortunately although I like to be left alone, without any human contact at
>all I spin off into chronic depression.  I need some people around to anchor
>me.  One great feature of chronic depression is that all experiences become
>flat and joyless.  Which kind of takes the fun out of being alone.  I want my
>friends to _share_ things I enjoy, both to give them pleasure and to give us
>things to discuss.

I'll attest to that...I have so much stuff I'd like to do if I actually had the
energy to do it and not just sit there listening to really depressing music or
sleeping to take some edge off the knife...

>There is no shortage brain-dead people wandering the world secure in their
>warm fuzzy reality.
>
Nope....and they are quite comfortable being asleep. My "problem" is that I woke up 
a while back and I can't find a way to get back to sleep. Not tthat I'd really *LIKE*
to be another one of the brainless again, its just that sometimes you find yourself
yearning for the comfort or pat assurances that used to make you feel so good.

The problem with waking up is that once you do, you can't go back to sleep...

Still, I'd rather be painfully aware of my existence than not aware at all. 

---Steve
-- 
Stephen Okay  sokay@mitre.org
"You see, I'm kind of this control freak who likes to create his own
personal hells before the real one can get to him. I like to beat hell
to hell so to speak".--Spalding Gray "Monster in a box"