From: jjwebb@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
Subject: comment on the comment and some verse
Keywords: pontificating
Date: 19 Dec 92 23:04:38 GMT
Reply-To: jjwebb@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us



Marek writes about Wilson's "ode to a bitch" -- disagreeing with 
Keymaster and pontificating thusly:

> Forgive me for disagreeing, but "crap like this" is, to my taste,
> supremely more palatable comparing to the hundreds of muddled,
> unclear, sophomoric, unfocused poems of delicate love/longing we
> see on rap every year, which are artless by comparison with this poem.

so far ... conditioned agreement ... provided you are NOT 
classifying ALL of the love poetry posted to RAP as muddled, unclear,
sophomoric and unfocused ... 

> Here are some reasons why I find this poem valuable:

> 0.  It is honest (even if written as a prank).

Honest? In what way? ... Maybe as honest as the work of 2live Crew,
but that ain't very honest ... or is that why you made it number 0?

> 1.  It is vivid.

Maybe to the Cyclops addicted masses, with their preprogrammed "Hill
Street Blues" images providing the substance. Otherwise it is an
impessionistic, neon lit, postcard of a poem ... 

> 5.  Not much is wasted.

I disagree ... much is wasted ...

    "I want to fuck her.."

this statement is superfluous in my opinion and wastes time ...

    "..reach in my pocket and.."
    "I can feel.."
    "As I start.."

use of these words wastes opportunity ... stronger ways are 
available. Rewriting these lines with more action oriented words 
would make the piece more, to use your word, vivid.

> 8.  It is tender.

I'd hate to have to eat a STEAK you'd cooked Marek.

> 12: The woman in the poem sounds nice.  I'd have liked to meet her,

this judgement is based on ... what exactly?

> At this point I would like to recommend _Naked Lunch_ by William S.
> Burroughs, Jr. and _South of No North_ by Charles Bukowski.

Hooray for Burroughs! Bukowski is an overrated, one note hack. MHO.

And now, some verse ...

               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Down Home -- Euclid Street

                Oh Linda, where are you now?
                        Do you even know?
                Oh Linda, won't you come home?
                        I need you so
                        I need you so

Goin' out tonight to spend some money,
        Buy me the woman of my dreams.
Goin' down to 55th and Euclid Streets,
        That's where
                They grow the women mean.

I didn't find her down there Friday,
        Might not find her there tonight.
I got a hundred dollars in my pocket and
        Right now ..
                I'm feelin' kind of tight.

Saw Beau riding in his Caddy,
        Sellin' time .. to restless souls.
He was taking Gina back to Disco Pete's,
        That's where
                The empty money flows.

I went and asked him if he'd seen you
        And he said that he didn't know.
But when I parted with the fifty bucks?
        I got ..
                An address where to go.

Won't you think about tomorrow girl?
        Come with me, we're goin' home.
Little Jimmy says he really misses you.
        You know ..
                Right now he's all alone.

Have you left your dreams on Euclid Street?
        Don't you know it's only gold?
Do you really think it's worth it girl,
        For little
                Pieces of your soul?

                Oh Linda, where are you now?
                        Do you even know?
                Oh Linda, won't you come home?
                        I need you so
                        I need you so
                        I need you so ......
 

  "In the Electric Shadows"
         copyright (c) 1990 by JJWebb

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