From: sgs1679@usl.edu (Sudhindranath Sira G)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian
Subject: Re: INDIAN MEN and MARRIAGE
Date: 8 Apr 92 02:06:18 GMT
Article-I.D.: usl.1992Apr8.020618.14604
Distribution: usa
Organization: University of Southwestern Louisiana

In article <1992Apr7.232722.2708@menudo.uh.edu> potturi@cs.uh.edu (Rahi Prakash Potturi) writes:

>
>Love and Affection for their parents coupled with a respect for the 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>decision they make with the knowledge that in any case they would'nt
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

	Agreed. I only wish that the parents in turn cultivate
	the practice of respecting their children's judgment
	and feelings.  Sadly, this is something that is lacking in 
	a majority of Indian families. I feel that most of the
	supporters of arranged marriages tend to push this under 
	the carpet.

>want to choose someone incompatible because of their understanding 
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>of thier son's mentality/aptitudes etc. may be a good reason for many
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>to leave the spouse selection to their parents.
	
	Again, most of the time, the "compatibility" or otherwise is
	usually based on the following factors :

		1. Caste/subcaste/subsubcaste etc.
		2. Looks.
		3. Financial status.
		4. Educational qualifications.

	Anybody can see that a choice based on the above does
	not in ANY WAY improve the chances of success of the
	marriage. It is the irrationality of the approach that
	I wish to point out. Where does the son's mentality/aptitude/
	ideas/interests/temperaments etc. figure in the decision 
	process ? --- ALAS!, WAY DOWN THE LIST! (if at all) :--((

	If you feel that the match-making process does involve the
	mentality/aptitude etc. etc., I am sorry to say that
	YOU ARE JUST DELUDING YOURSELF. Wake up man! ; don't live in
	a dream world!

	
>
[some stuff deleted]
>of which one might not want to venture out into an affair. When one is 
							^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>not sure about when he is going to marry, then how could he possibly 
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>approach a girl and propose? Will it be justice to ask her to wait till 
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>his problems are solved? And these are not imaginary problems. They
>occur to many of us everyday and are very real.

	Oh, why do you think that one should not wait? If the feelings
	are strong enough, both the boy and the girl will wait. Giving
	it some time will also test the feelings of both. What is
	wrong if one has to wait ? I feel many of us are so used to 
	"instant" marriages that waiting it out might appear to be cruel! 
 
>
[some more stuff deleted]
>
>For some others, their parents come up with someone who is just the
>kind of girl that they are looking for. In which case all is well and
>settled.

	It is the rather loose definition of "just the kind of girl that 
	they are looking for" that needs to be questioned by our
	generation.

[some more stuff deleted]
>
>This again is true to a certain extent. One would not want to
>go on a collision course with his parents ONLY when he is  not
					          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>sure about his decision himself. To that extent it is true. But,
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
	
	Here is where I blame the parents. They not only do not encourage
	their children to think for themselves in these issues, but
	even positively discourage them from doing so. This is where the
	"helplessness aspect" enters the picture, as pointed out in an 
	earlier article by another netter. 

>I do not think there would be many people who would rather forget
>a girl who in their opinion is compatible and all that stuff, under
>the fear that their parents may not agree. In the least they will 
					    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>want to give it a shot and try convincing/persuding their parents.
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

	My experience shows that many young men don't even try to
	voice their opinions on this matter, let alone convince or
	persuade their parents. Again, the parents would have ensured
	that their children don't develop the courage to do so.

>
>Sure, there are a lot of limitations and maladies with our system.
>But that alone cannot be a reson to dump it unceremoniously or to
>embrace some alternative with blissful ignorance. Between the 
 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

	No one is talking of this. Please note that we are hoping for
	something new to EVOLVE as a result of our THINKING, to take
	the place of a system which is hopelessly outdated and out of
	tune with the times.

[some more stuff deleted]
>
>What I agree at heart, I have told you in so many words, as I did 
>with what I donot agree.
>

	Well, I have to say what I feel about this. While I can understand 
	the helplessness of those who have no alternatives, I am amused to 
	find people JUSTIFYING what is essentially a primitive and outmoded 
	practice, claiming that it is our "culture". (I am NOT implying 
	that you are one of them).

>
>regards,
>
>rahi potturi

Thank you for voicing your thoughts on this issue.

Regards,

Sira Gopinat Sudhindranath.
(sudhi@usl.edu)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian,soc.culture.sri-lanka