From: bberbeni@nyx.cs.du.edu (Bill Berbenich)
Subject: Gubmint Peeves
Summary: Fuck me gently
Keywords: VA USPS
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 00:11:37 GMT

I admit it, I am on the dole.  The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs
kindly sends me a tidy check each month so that I can matriculate at a
local B school.  This is far from a peeve.

So, every month, I get a nice plump check about the 4th or so.  Well,
this month the goddam post office conspired with the wankers in our
bankrupt (morally and fiscally) federal bureaucracy and tore my check
to shreds in the Mother Of All Sorting Machines.  My Institute for
Higher Finances wouldn't accept the check in this condition.  Never
mind that the only thing really missing was the little electronic
numbers at the bottom.  Never mind that the signature, amount, and
payee information were all clear and visibly unaltered.  Never mind
that I explained to the teller-cretin that it would take two months
to get a fucking replacement.  "We cannot accept that check."  "Well,
why not?"  "Because it is torn, sir.  Sorry."

I got nowhere fast, even though I was a model of restrain and
friendly perkiness.  I was a goddam happy little fucking canary to
those worthless shits and all they did was bugger me.  All this time
I'm being fornicated (a verb, you know) by anonymous people and I
haven't gotten the first kiss or the first "kiss my arse."  That,
and the fact that I was sick as a state dog on Friday, Saturday,
and Sunday -- but not so bad today.

So, on the phone to call the VA to cry for help.  After locking the
speed dialer on for a solid hour, I finally got a ringing signal.
I then got the infamous "phone queue" recordings.  I suppose I only
waited another five minutes at that point until a friendly
bureaucrat came on to help me.

I explained the predicament to that fellow just as I have so far
explained it to you, except I was far more profane with him.  He
said "well, they should take the check!  Have them call us if they
have any questions!"  Yeah, right, buddy.  Fucking idiot.

Then, he suggests a real brainstormer of an idea.  Use the ATM's
night depository to deposit the check!  Do it at a different branch
each time until they finally take it.  That way, it'll only take a
week (only 5 branches) instead of two months.  Just my Murphian luck
that I'll try all the night suppositories and THEN I'll STILL have
to wait two months.

'Course I could always mail it right in and take a chance that it
gets lost -- or worse.

Fucking VA, Fucking Post Office, Fucking limpdick bastards at "my
home of financial services!"  Conspiracy!  Conspiracy, I say!
Bastards, one and all.

All that and our economy which all the journaliste's said was in
the toilet has somehow turned around and flourished under the
green grass and sunshine of an impending Clinton presidency.  All
that in a WEEK, mind you!  Those democrats are simply amazing!

Later - B School registration peeves and attendant sit-in protests
at said B School.  It's been a fucking day to remember, let me tell
you.

Sorry I'm not my usual sunny, rosy self.  If you don't like it you
can just LUMP IT!  I MEAN it!  L-U-M-P it!!!!
--
I'd rather be in an office than a pillory,
George can screw Barbara, I'm voting for Hillary
-seen on a women's bathroom wall in a Santa Cruz saloon