From: weiss872@CLEARWATER.CS.UIDAHO.EDU (Phil Weiss)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: Amends revisited
Date: 8 Sep 92 22:29:36 GMT
Reply-To: weiss@leopard.cs.uidaho.edu
Followup-To: alt.recovery

> 
> =====Begin post for Adria=====

In the interests of brevity, I have deleted Adria's description
of her predicament at work.

> According to the Big Book I should make ammends
> to her because I have a resentment against her.  I would
> like to know what I'm supposed to make ammends about:
> amd I supposed to apoligize for letting the prof. hurt me?
> Or perhaps I'm supposed to apologize for wanting my home
> to be safe from people peering in my windows?

I've also deleted the description of her childhood abuse.

> Am I supposed to apologize to her for having been born?  Am
> I supposed to apologize to her for continuing to live despite
> her best efforts to kill me?  Am I supposed to apologize to her
> for having gotten a 40 hr/wk job at the age of 5 to support her
> because she couldn't hold a job (ME state didn't have child
> labor laws until I was 16, and then it was stated that they
> could be ignored at the say-so of the parent--ME is a little
> backwards sometimes)?   According to the big book I'm supposed
> to appologize for SOMETHING because I resent her.


>      In both of these instances I didn't complain until it
> was the very end...actually, I didn't complain at all.
> Perhaps I should aplogize for not having complained and for
> having put up with so much shit.  I don't know.  I was hurt,
> I did nothing wrong, so I resent them.
>      Perhaps the Big Book is wrong here.  Perhaps we do not
> have to make ammends for EVERY resentment we have?  Perhaps
> there are some things that happen in which we have no part
> other than being there and we owe no one anything.  Perhaps
> there were some injustices done to us after all, that we
> need to heal from, take time for the pain to go away, before
> the feelings of resentment go away.  Perhaps there are some
> resentments for which no ammends on our part can be made?

Making amends isn't about apologizing.  It isn't about saying
"I'm sorry."  What making amends is about is about changing
behaviors which get us in trouble.

For instance, I am pissed at my mother.  I have given my mother
a lot of power over me.  She can now harm me without even
intending to.  I am pissed, so I don't like talking to her.  She
calls me, which annoys me, and eventually I drink.  This is
because I gave her the power to take up space in my head.

When I make the formal amends, I was told to explain that I feel
I have harmed the person, and ask how to make it right.  If my
side of the street is clean, noone can hold power over me.

I did not have to make amends to all the people on my 4th step list.
Not the formal kind.  In one instance, what was required was that
I merely change some behavior.  My professors have a lot of power
over me because I keep getting bad grades.  My amends is to start
showing up for class.  Then I get better grades, and now power
is not over my head.  I can only slightly harm my professor
personally, and hence the formal amends is not ideal.

Amends is about changing behavior, not saying sorry.

I would suggest talking this over with your sponsor.  It sounds
as if both your mother and your former boss have power over
you still.  I can't make any snap suggestions here.

In any case, whether I make amends or not did not depend on what
my assesment of their part is.  It depends on how much power
over me I have given them.  For "formal" amends, whether or not
I make them depends on how much power over me they hold (the
intensity of my resentment, or the amount of space it takes up
in my head) AND whether or not making the "formal" amends will
discontinue some harm I am causing.

Phil.

The spritual life is not a theory.  WE HAVE TO LIVE IT.

P.S.
Please follow-up to this (Adria or anyone else).  I'd like
to see this be a decent discussion (either on a.r, email,
or the 12step mailing list).
Xref: sparky alt.recovery:3164 talk.politics.drugs:6258