From: wdp@gagme.chi.il.us (Bill Pfeiffer)
Subject: Re: To all who read a.s.a.r. 
Originator: wdp@gagme
Organization: Gagme Public Access UNIX, Chicago, Illinois.
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1992 08:30:36 GMT


Gavin, thanks for the reply.

It seems in this world, the order of relationships is all topsy turvy anyway.
There is much confusion of rolls, as we undo and rethink some of the
inequities which have been common throughout history.

With so many roads to choose, and so many 'right' ways, it is hard for
people to know themselves well at all.  The 'good' side of the old,
traditional, sex/gender roles is that we have some framework to
support our thoughts of who we are and who our partners should be.
The down side of it, of course, is that both sex's are limited in who
they CAN be.

Yet with all these newer roads available, people haven't chamnged all
that much.  There are still needs in us to be loved and held.  If we
reject these needs they get twisted, and so do we.  

We are told so many different things that it is a wonder that anyone
stays sane.  Now, when the guidelines of 'what constitutes
abuse/harrassment' are so muddy, it is very frightening to trust.  Yet
trust is what we need most.  People need to let down their guard, to
open up.  But that is risky.  So what do we do?

First of all, stop playing sexual/romantic games with eachother.
IMHO this is the beginning of abuse.  We tease, and lie and play
games, sending out false or semi-true statements which confuse and,
often wind up angering, each other. Signals like "come & get me"
followed by "you should have known, all I wanted was to be held". 
It is a power play and it is like drinking booze.  The feelings are
nice at first, exhillerating.  But the end product is agony and pain.  

If we could but treat others a bit more straighforeward and honest, a
lot of abuse would be eliminated, I believe.  One thing that angers a
man (and I assume a woman might feel a similar way) is to feel like
he has been used and manipulated.  Many men will respond in an angry
way to this because of society's conditioning ("..  What kind of man
ARE you to let her jerk you around..." goes the macho thinking).

Yet the other partner is getting a thrill out of the game, because SHE
essentially feels powerless and sees this as a way to gain control.
Unfortunately,this kind of sexual/romantic game-playing goes on ALL
the time, and it creates a mistrust and underlying anger which will
eventually come out.

So partner one manipulates, with a wink in her/his eye, and partner
two follows suit.  Soon, however, the game gets lost and it becomes 
_real_.  The nip and tuck of sex games becomes a tightly
woven mesh of interconnected guilt and punnishment for things only
known by one of the partners.  The 'frivolity' of the chase is now the
pathology of abuse and nobody remembers how or where it started.

Like the line in the Pink Floyd album that says "..There must have
been a door in this wall, when I came in..."  How sad.  

So I say we try our best to treat intimate partners with respect and
honesty, lest we build a torture chamber of 'little white' lies and 
'innocent' deciet.   Forego the little thrill of the game and you
might avoid the agony of ultimate defeat. 

Next, I guess I'd just like to see less fighting and more attempts to
understand each-other.  Perhaps take a deep breath and realize that we
are all human and all imperfect.  Realize that an angry person is
suffering too, crying out in the language (s)he has learned from a
mixed up, confused world.  A world that champions power-trippers and
hard-asses from the television and other media to peer presure and
family upbringing.  

Like I said in the previous post, people (adults) can choose who they
play with.  If their choices are tainted by attitudes learned from
abusive childhoods, that is sad and must be dealt with.  However, it
is high time that those of us associated with the general field of
mental health and recovery started to address the problem of projection
and blame.  I know too well that there is a cycle to abuse and that
each time it goes around, it gets deeper and deeper ingrained and
hidden behind a wall of anger, numbness, revenge, denial and cynacism.

Learning the differnece between blame and responsibility is essential.
One must take responsibility, but one needn't assume blame.  To my way
of thinking, it is counterproductive to cultivate and encourage
someone to believe that 'the other person' is the problem.  To me,
that is giving away whatever power one posesses.  It also encourages
the person to stop looking at the issues and thus tending to repeat
their mistakes with the next relationship.

Hate cripples, forgiveness heals... period.  Forgiveness does not
expunge the other person, it simply says .. "I refuse to allow the hatred to
drag me down and cripple me".  It also says .. "I will not allow my
past to become my future".  Punishing the 'other person' will feel
good for a moment, but will only result in obsessing over ones past
pain.  A quote from Buddah (no I am NOT a Buddist) says .. "what a
person thinketh in his[her] heart, so he[she] is."  This is very true.
What we think about we bring about and if I languish over someone who
hurt me, I keep that pain alive.

I am not suggesting that it is an easy task to forgive or 'get past'.
I am just suggesting that if is a far more productive road than
indulging in anger and blame.  That road, too, is difficult.  The
difference is that the former road leads OUT of the hellstorm of
recrimination and hate, the latter just leads further into it.
Also, I do not forgive for the benefit of the 'other guy'  I do so for
MY benefit.  It is only as a side effect that it winds up helping
and healing him/her as well. 

Just sumpthin' to chew on.

Bill Pfeiffer