From: jeana@sco.COM (Jean Antisdel)
Subject: Hitting Summary of Responses (3 year)
Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc.
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1992 23:45:39 GMT



Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your responses to my request for help
regarding my 3 year old son hitting and biting.  Included
below is my original question, a brief summary of some of
the suggestions, and appended responses.  

Thanks again!!!  I'm about to head off to our swimming lessons
so I'm sure I'll be able to try them out real soon :-}...

jeana

Original Question :

I have recently started having a problem with my (just turned) 
3 year old son.  He has begun hitting and biting me when he doesn't 
like an answer to a request.  

For example, yesterday we were waiting to start our swimming lessons.
While we were waiting he wanted to go walk over by the train.
I said no (there wasn't enough time and I didn't have any shoes on).
He then started hitting me.  Note that this is not a "tantrum"
(i.e. he's not out of control, angry, crying, loud).

I've tried saying "no" very firmly, loudly.  I've tried walking away
(he follow me and continues to hit me).  I've tried holding him and
telling him I'm sorry we can't do what he wants (he squirms away and
resumes hitting/biting).  I've tried holding his arms so he can't hit and
talking to him (again he squirms away and resumes hitting/biting).

Summary
	-  teach him what is appropriate to do when he is frustrated
	(i.e. growling instead of hitting).
	-  provide him with an explanation (instead of just no)
	-  physically hold him until he has calmed down
	-  play the "hitting game" i.e. hit him back in a "game
	environment", he will not continue because he is not 
	succeeding in annoying/hurting you.
	-  impose a timeout that made him miss the beginning of the swim
	lesson.  make him sit down, in a boring spot, for a specified time.
	-  don't give him any attention while he is hitting
	-  wait to talk with him until after he is done hitting
	(after the timeout)
	-  remove him from the situation by taking him outside, to the car, etc
	-  give him other choices (using the approaches described in the
	book "How to talk to kids so they will listen and how to listen so 
	they will talk".

Responses :
=============================================================
     My Aunt Cyndy had the same problem with Matthew hitting; she just
used timeout whenever he hit, and she tried everything you did before she
did that.  What she'd do at first is give him a mean stare along with her
firm "NO", but that didn't work as well as it had with the others, and it
seemed like he wanted to draw the response, anyway.  So, she just said
once that "the next time you hit, you are going to your room for x minutes."
The mean look accompanied this, and she would just say something like:
"There is no reason to hurt me; you go to your room for hurting me like that."
Afterwards, she would go upstairs, tell him that he could come down but
that he wasn't to hurt people, and that that was why she had sent him there;
so he could learn how to behave.  She also taught him what to *do* if
frustrated (growl, simply say he didn't like that, or even leave the room
till he felt better, things which he now does.  A couple times he tried it
when they were shopping or something, and she'd just hold him still in front
of her for a couple minutes, with a mean look and a somewhat firm "no."
Those times, she says she thinks he was just testing her since he knew
she couldn't send him to his room.  If you hold him firmly and don't let
him squirm away, he'll stop sooner or later if you've also stopped it at
home and made him settle down by himself.
     Also, in the incident you mention, did you explain why you couldn't
go see it.  For instance, "we have to stay here so we don't lose our place
in line and have to wait a lot longer."  He is probably getting to the age
where a short explanation will work maybe half the time.
     She has said that she considered what several parents on the network
have said they did - give one little slap his hand or bottom so it stung
for a few seconds, and say: "No hitting; someone will want to hurt you
if you hurt them."  She gave a swat like that for very dangerous things,
like running into the street, and knew if she said that for hitting she
would confuse him if she had to "swat" (she doesn't call it spanking, if
it only hurts 5-10 seconds) him for dangerous things, and he might not
stop hitting as quickly, or would hit when she swatted him and not learn
what she was trying to teach.  If you don't hit for anything else, then one
little swat could work, but as long as you make him understand he hurt you
and that he shouldn't be doing that (showing yourself as a role model)
the way she did it will work 99 times out of 100.
=============================================================
My son does the same. When he cant have what he wants he tries to
hit mom, dad, sisters, visiting grandparents, everyone.  No tantrum,
just hitting.  What we do is send him to his room or if we are not at home, 
hold him by the arms for a long period of time.  It's no use talking 
to him until aferwards.  We always do this, and he knows to expect it by now.  
He started this about half a year ago when he was 3 and it got quite bad.  
Now he has just turned 4 and it is getting better. Sometimes he skips the 
hitting part and just runs to his room to sulk. He will cuddle on my lap 
when he is through sulking, but not before.  So with us, it seems to be 
passing.  
=============================================================

Re your son's hitting you.  All children seem to go through
this stage, so please don't think you're raising a horror!

One thing which has really helped us when our kids start up
like this is the Hitting Game.  In essence, you treat his
first hit as an invitation to join him in the Hitting Game.
The game comprises him hitting you, you hitting him, him
hitting you and so on.  The key is you hit him ever so
slightly harder than he hits you.

The important thing is to treat it as a game, never as a
punishment for hitting you.  Thus, when he hits you, you
say brightly "Oh, would you like to play the hitting game?"
and swat him back. Each time he hits you, you say things
like "This is fun, isn't it" 

I've raised 3 sons through this and can absolutely guarantee
you that you will never have to play it more than 3 or 4 times
because :
	- He is not succeeding in annoying/hurting you because
	  you are enjoying it
	- It hurts him more than it hurts you

Try it - it really works!
=============================================================

Every child is different, but here is what worked for my son on both of these
situations.  (By the way, the fact that these are occuring together may 
indicate that he is feeling a little uneasy about growing up (i.e. he wants
to regress to a time when he felt more comfortable.)  My son shows these 
feelings in many ways ... sometimes he acts like a 1yr old (he wants to be fed)
and sometimes like a 10yr old (he wants us to play chess with him!).

#1
This is really tough, especially when we are not home.  When we are home, I
very calmly pick him up, tell him that his behavior is not acceptable, and
put him in his room until he can TALK about the situation.  The key for my
son is not to give him any attention for his hitting because then he continues
to do it.  Also, I think it is a good idea to teach them how to talk through
what they want and why it is important to them.  When I'm not home (this 
does not happen to us very often), I remove him from the situation by taking
him outside, to the car, ...  It is harder though because I can not leave him,
but I simply ignore him and calmly tell him that his behavior is not 
acceptable and that I will not listen to him until he stops hitting.  I guess
another key for this approach to work is to let him "win" a few times ...
NOT when he asks by hitting, but when he asks by talking to me.  He needs to
know that this method of asking works, at least sometimes.
=============================================================

I have a *very* stubborn and strong-willed 33 month old too.  I 
thought I would share with you some our our recent accomplishments!
I had heard so many good things about the book "How to talk to kids
so they will listen and how to listen so they will talk" so I went out
and bought it.  It has been a life saver!  They have another book 
called "Sibling Rivlary" which is wonderful too (we also have an 19 month
old!).  So most of my comments come from our experiences with those
2 books.

We have been trying to give Thomas choices - according to the above mentioned
books, kids really want to have control at this age.  So, this morning, for
example, Thomas said he wanted to watch one of his videos before leaving 
to go to daycare.  We didn't have enough time and so automatically I said
"No, we don't have enough time".  So, then he started in and was crying.  This
time, instead of saying "No", I said to him "We don't have time to watch the
video this morning.  Would you like to take the video to daycare and watch 
it there or would you like to wait and watch it tonight after we get home"?  
That stopped the crying and he made his choice and we were all happy.  I 
just need to learn to offer choices up front instead of thinking of it 
second!  In the situation you describe above, you could try saying "We don't
have time to go see the train now.  Would you like to stand here by the pool 
or sit down over there to wait for class to start"?  Even though to us it 
may seem like a trivial choice, to him it means everything.  Not only have
you heard his request, but you stated the problem up front and offered him 
a choice.  We find this method to work very well.  Sometimes I think they are
so surprised that it makes them forget about having an "episode".  We have
already started "using" this method on our 19 month old.  He is a biter and
hitter too.  If I see him getting frustrated and about ready to bite or hit
I say "We don't bite.  Would you like to play with the train or listen to 
animal sounds"?  It really works wonders.

Hitting -- If I were you, I would be more firm about the fact that hitting
and biting you aree not acceptable.  For example, tell him that hitting
is totally unacceptable, and sit him down in a chair for a few minutes
so that he can get himself back under control.  If he gets up and starts
hitting again, put him back, etc.  

=============================================================

In this particular case, I would have imposed a time out that made
him miss the beginning of the swim lesson.  Make him sit down, in
a boring spot, for a specified time.  Make him stay there, and
if he gets up, the time out starts over again.  We have used time
outs for Monica (3 years and 2 months--she also will try to hit or bite 
when she is angry), and it has worked.  You might also want to use different
words--when he hits or bites, say "Stop it" or "Stop biting/hitting
me!" instead of "no".  Above all, act quickly, *firmly* and consistently
--if you hesitate, or coddle, he will continue to use this behavior
to get the upper hand.

Also, with Monica, talking about it after the time out seems to have
more effect.  She is visibly distressed at having to discuss her
errant behavior when she has calmed down.  We *always* try to
do this, since she is so remorseful after the fact.  Make sure
you point out what they have missed due to the bad bahavior--
in this case, you would point out to your son that he missed
some of his swim class because he was biting and had to have
a time out.

(A great book--"How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen
so your kids will talk" by Farber or Faber, discusses pushiment
that "fits the crim"--for example, the "pushiment" for borrowing
something and not returning it, or breaking it while using it,
is not to be able to borrow it next time.  They give other great
examples, too--I really recommend it for discipline ideas and
communication help.)

=============================================================
problem 1 - the biting. my daughter also 3yo, recently
went thru a bout of temper tantrums and biting. we were
on vacation in hawaii and she took 5 days of these
"displays" before she simmered down. she just does
not like change or restrictions. altho, only time
helped her calm down. this are the "tricks" i used
1. remove her from others. i would take her to her
   room, out of the store, stop the car. sometimes
   of course this wasn't possible. everyone else
   just had to suffer thru it.

2. physically restrain her. i would sit on the
   floor with her. face her away from me. hold her
   arms and put my feet across her legs. i would
   not do this for a long time. i talk to her
   let go, if she keeps biting and hitting i do it
    again. this will work if the tantrum is medium
   sized.

3. a couple times i was really frazzled (after
   5 temper tantrums in 5 hours i get worn down). 
   i would then in the heat of the moment, after
   she bit me, would grab her arm and press it into
    her mouth...giving her a taste of her own medicine.
   that startles her alot. but i really hate the
   "eye for an eye" mentality.

4. this worked the most...i would put a beloved toy
   "up high". i keep talking to her about why her
   toy is gone and if she will stop whining i will
   bring it back. if she escalates, i put another
   toy up there. once, i think i had about a dozen
   toys up there. 

sometimes, nothing works. good luck on this one. the
biting and hitting is something she rarely does now.
i really feel it was a special circumstance. at 3yo
it is definitely NOT permitted to hit others.
=============================================================

Don't know if this would work, but it's what my spouse would have done.
"No hitting.  If you hit, I will leave and you will miss swimming."
And if the hitting continued, he'd say:
"Okay."  Pick up all the stuff, apologize to the swim teacher, and leave.

Then again, my spouse only gives our 2 year old 1 chance to behave,
and she does.

I, on the other hand, take a lot of abuse, and therefore get a lot of abuse.
=============================================================