From: anon-1241@twwells.com (Goldberry)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Thanks, thoughts & requests
Date: 6 Oct 92 11:12:40 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: no


I got some warm feedback from cloister bell and Lydia.  Thank's,
both of you, it means a LOT.  I was (and partly still am) quite
uneasy about reappearing in asar - what if I am not welcome
anymore (considered a traitor for being away so long or something
like that)?  If anyone else feels (s)he is willing and able to
give me a pat on the back (e-pat?)  or a welcoming e-hug, it
really would help in dealing with my fears of rejection and
abandonment.  Please?  (uh how I hate asking...)

Great!  The next thing I worry about is that now that I dare
speak of my needs, I will be considered terribly and unforgivably
selfish...  Argh! (anger rising - see my next article if you can
handle direct and LOUD expressions of anger today - there is a
spoiler warning in the beginning of it).  I just hate my parents
for messing up my head like this!


    From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
    Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 04:49:35 GMT
    
    hey!  welcome back!  it's good to see you around again,
    goldberry.  i'm so glad to hear that you're doing better now than
    when you were last around here.  

Thanks!  And sorry I forgot your name from my "oldies" list - I
felt uneasy to post any names, as I knew I couldn't possibly
remember everyone, but I hoped people would understand.

... (looking at what I've written above) ... Why am I STILL so
scared of offending anyone (or anyTHING, even if it *doesn't*
move!)?  I guess this is an issue that is surfacing big time
right now...  Blah.  While I worry about all these things, I also
watch myself from sorta "outside" and I can quite clearly see how
I'm "apologizing all over the place".  While a strong part of me
feels that this is quite ridiculous, it's also like that's how I
am *supposed* to be...  "Excuse me for that I exist" - that's how
and who i *ought* to be!  Anyone else feel like this?


    i guess it shows (among other things) that people can heal on
    their own outside of asar, which is good.  don't get me wrong, i
    think asar is a wonderful thing, but it's nice to have concrete
    evidence that one doesn't *need* to read it to heal.

Yes, there is healing outside asar, but asar (and alt.support
before asar) was very clearly one of the things that pushed me a
BIG step further with my healing.  Without you guys I would most
likely not be in this good therapy today and would be a LOT worse
off.  You helped me see I had a choise (I could wait until I
found a therapist that felt right) even when things looked their
most desperate.


When it comes to choosing healing tools, I have found that I need
to listen carefully to my support needs to get a feeling for what
I might need at any particular time.  I don't always have a
rational or otherwise clear reason as to why I want to do X and
not Y for my healing today / this week, but I try to listen to
the little voices inside that *know* what is right.

For example: In February-April I had an almost overwhelming need
to read books.  Healing books, books on incest, feminist books,
anything.  I still don't know why, but I went with the feeling.
I read books today, too, but not so intensively.

How much and what I write (prose, poems, letters, email, netnews)
has varied from one extreme to another.  Again, I try to do the
right thing for me, for now, and work with the difficult parts.
Writing with a pen or pencil on paper is a nearly total no-no
right now - I have some clues about why this might be, but if
anyone has experienced something alike, it would help to hear
about it.

Also, I WANT to paint - but I have quite a few blockages to work
through before I dare to do it, even in the privacy of my own
home.  But all in good time.
    
When I was offered group therapy in May (it started three weeks
ago), I had to think real hard and for quite a while about it,
wether I was ready for it or not.  I found I was and even though
it is TOUGH (somehow more strikingly real than any other tool for
my healing before) I'm glad I seized the opportunity.  But I
would not have pushed myself if I had had serious doubts.

As a last example: I have had sort of wanted to start martial
arts training or get into boxing (properly coached these seem
like very good outlets for physical aggression, and I know have
loads of that, even if it's buried pretty deep right now), but I
have felt that I'm not ready for it yet.  I think that these
might well be a part of my healing some day, but that day has not
come yet.


    From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
    Date: 5 Oct 92 15:37:37 GMT
    
    *Thank you* for posting the story of your year so far -- your
    courage is amazing and inspiring, 

I was moved and somewhat embarrased to read this.  Courage?  Me?
Amazing and inspiring?  Somehow I have a really hard time seeing
that anyone could see me like this.  But THANKS, I was glad, too,
to read this.  I also know this is the kind of feedback I need,
that chalenges my old, deep-rooted ideas about myself.
    

    and I needed to be reminded that it *is* possible to climb
    out of the pit that we find ourselves in.

Yes, it is possible.  Funny how much easier it is for me to be
complemented for what I *do* than who I *am*...  You gave me
something to think about here, thank you *very* much for that!


    Ehugs if you can use them, and I'm looking forward to seeing more
    from you.  Thanks again!

Thank YOU - this feels really encouraging!  (Wow, she really
sounds like she means it, that she wouldn't mind me writing
again... amazing!)

Oh I feel like an idiot for being so insecure, but if feeling
like an idiot and talking about it is what it takes for me right
now to go on with my healing then that's what I'm going to do.
Dear asar, do you think you can bear with me?

Does this sh*t ever end?

    
    "You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
     You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			    "From Me to You", Janis Ian

Bullseye.  This is pretty much what healing feels like to me (one
strong aspect of it).


E-hugs for those who want them.


Goldberry



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