From: timelord@cs.mcgill.ca (Jeffrey JACOBS)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Story, BA: DSIX
Summary: The Black Adder meets Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Keywords: Black Adder, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Date: 9 Apr 92 20:45:05 GMT
Organization: The Query Master Syndicate.


                            Rowan Atkinson
                                 as

                     B_l_a_c_k_ _A_d_d_e_r_:_ _D_e_e_p_ _S_p_a_c_e_ _N_i_n_t_h_

                                 by
                           Jeffrey Jacobs

                                with
                         Tony Robinson
                              Tim McInnerny
                                   Hugh Laurie

                       Robert East
                            Stephen Fry
                               Miranda Richardson

                          Brian Blessed
                                 Patsy Byrne

[Opening credits consist of star progressions as if flying through
space, until we enter the Worm Hole, which produces a Video Feedback
effect.  (i.e. Low Budget.)  At the end of the credits, we come our of
the Worm Hole to a shot of Deep Space Nine.  The opening music is the
traditional Black Adder theme, but played with sounds similar to those
used in the opening credits of Doctor Who during the Davison era.]

                            '_L_i_v_i_n_g_ _R_o_o_m_'_

SCENE 1: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder.

[The quarters are dingy and dirty and rather Spartan, as you would
expect from a remote outpost like this one.  There is a small cot and
a desk for writing.  Blackadder is asleep on the cot when there is a
moo at the door.]

Door: Mooooooo.

Blackadder: Baldric, is that you!?

   Baldric opens the door.  It wooshes open and Blackadder is greeted
with a pungent sniff, something you just don't see these days on tele.

Baldric: Sir, the Captain has sent for you.

Blackadder (Still dazed from last night's chug-a-lug contest.):  Go
   away!

Baldric: But he said it was detergent, sir.

Blackadder: I believe you mean urgent, Ensign.  Now sodd off!

   Behind Baldric, Captain Plantaganet listens intently to the dazed
Commander.

Baldric: But sir. . .

Blackadder: Baldric, get lost.  Tell the Captain he can go to hell
   for all I care, I'm not moving from this spot.

Captain: Attention!

   Blackadder stands at complete attention as the Captain enters the
room.

Captain: Commander Blackadder, why have you not responded to my
   summons?

Blackadder: Ah, sir.  Of course I was in contemplation of our present
   predicament.

Captain: And which predicament is that?

Blackadder: Insubordination, sir.  This lack of respect for authority
   must be stopped.  Just the other day I heard Lieutenant Commander
   Darling saying "Tell the Captain he can go to hell for all I care,
   I'm not moving from this spot," as I was telling Baldric here.

Captain: Enough, Commander.  I expect to see you in Conference Chambers
   in 10 minutes.

Blackadder: Sir!

   The captain leaves the room.

Blackadder: Baldric?

Baldric: Yes, sir?

Blackadder: The next time the Captain wants to see me, would you be
   capable of letting me know, or is that to complex a concept for
   your puny sub-Andorian brain?!

Baldric: But sir. . .

Blackadder: No but's, Ensign.  Just don't let it happen again.  And
   remember what I said about Insubordination.

Baldric: Sorry, sir.

   Baldric leaves.

SCENE 2: Conference room, deck 3.

[Captain Plantaganet and Lieutenant Commander Darling are sitting at the
round conference table in the centre of the room.  There is a moo, and
the door opens.  We see Blackadder slapping Baldric on the back of the
head as they stand in the doorway.]

Blackadder: Sir!

Captain: At ease.  Dismissed, Ensign.

Baldric: Sir.

   Baldric leaves the doorway, and Blackadder takes a seat at the
table closest to the door.

Captain: Commander.  There has been a radiation leak on deck 37.  Due
   to the nature of this leak, we will not be able to seal it up for
   at least a week.  I am hence evacuating all crew from the
   irradiate area in accordance with Starfleet regulation 4.75.2.6.7a,
   Subsection 7.

Blackadder: Darling, your quarters are on that deck, aren't they?

Darling: Yes, sir.

Captain: That is why you're here, Commander.  Lieutenant Commander
   Darling will need new quarters while this leak subsides.  And since
   we are so low on crewmans' quarters, I have assigned the Commander
   to reside with you.

Blackadder: But sir, there really isn't enough room in my quarters for
   two.

Darling: That's not what you said two weeks ago when Inca needed a
   place to stay.

Blackadder: That's different!  Crewman Inca and I were just discussing
   subspace engineering that night.  She and I were in heavy debate.

Captain: Yes, well, if you have enough room for Crewman Inca, I'm sure
   the Commander will not be any problem.

Blackadder: But there's no place to sleep, sir.

Darling: One of us could sleep on the desk.

Blackadder: The desk!  You've got to be kidding.

Captain: Brilliant innovation, Commander Darling.

Blackadder: Fine, Darling, I outrank you, so you get the desk.

Darling: But sir, I have a back problem.  Doctor Nursie insisted that
   I avoid warped surfaces.

Blackadder: Then don't sleep on your head.

Captain: Enough, Commander Blackadder.  Darling will have the bed, and
   you shall take the desk.

Blackadder: The desk!  Sir, that desk is over 200 years old.  It is
   infested with flees and smells like Ensign Baldric's rotten egg
   collection!  I'd rather sleep on the floor. . .

SCENE 3: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder.

[Blackadder is lying on the floor as Darling is sitting on the cot,
removing his shoes.  He tosses one off and it lands on Blackadder.]

Blackadder: Yow!  Watch what you're doing, dundlehead!

Darling: Now, now, sir.  Remember what the Captain said, "Your
   co-operation is of the utmost to the proper functioning of this
   outpost."

Blackadder: Oh, shuddup and go to sleep!

   The next morning, Blackadder is awaken by the exercise regiment of
Darling.  Darling is doing jumping-jacks as he counts aloud.

Darling: 273 - 274 - 275. . .

Blackadder: Must you make all that noise, Darling?

Darling: 276 - Yes, sir - 277 - I like to - 278 - keep fit - 279 - by
   exer - 280 - cising each - 281 - morning - 282. . .

Blackadder (Looks at clock.): It's .3 in the morning, Darling.  Even
   the rats aren't up yet!

Darling: 301 - You know - 302 - what they say - 303 - about early -
   304 - to bed, - 305 - early to - 306 - rise. - 307. . .

Blackadder: . . .Leads a man to a tired and cranky demise.  Must you
   make all that noise?!

Darling: 313 - A daily - 314 - regiment - 315 - of 500 - 316 - jumping
   jacks - 317 - a day, - 318 - Commander, - 319 - without - 320 - 
   fail. - 321. . .

Blackadder: 312 - 313 - 314 - 315.

   Darling loses his place in counting.

Darling: Darn it, sir.  You made me lose my place.  Now I have to
   start over again.  1 - 2 - 3. . .

   Blackadder gets up, puts on some clothes and leaves the room.

                               Credits

         Commander Edmund Blackadder................Rowan Atkinson
         Ensign Junior Grade Baldric.................Tony Robinson
         Lieutenant Commander Percival Darling.......Tim McInnerny
         Lieutenant Commander George Hanover...........Hugh Laurie
         Captain Harry Plantaganet.....................Robert East
         Ensign Melchet................................Stephen Fry
         Inca...................................Miranda Richardson
         Lieutenant Armageddonf......................Brian Blessed
         Doctor Nursie.................................Patsy Byrne

                             Music By
            Jeffrey Jacobs and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop

                             Lighting
                        Photoelectric Tube

                             Producer
                          Jeffrey Jacobs

                             Director
                          Jeffrey Jacobs

                         (c) BBC MCMXCII