From: cbnorman@cayley.uwaterloo.ca (Bruce Norman)
Subject: STORY: D&D: The Wizard of Smaug (chapter 2)
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.dnd
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 18:35:33 GMT

                         Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992

Note, the remaining chapters of this story will only be posted in .archives.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              The Wizard of Smaug

                                   Chapter 2 

                         -----------------------------

    "You what?" asked Perrywinkle's father, Toluene.  "Are you daft 
Perrywinkle? What did you think you were doing? Apprentice to Teflour the 
wizard?  Why didn't you just sign up as a target for the King's archers?" 
    "But father, I want to be a wizard, I don't want to be work as a dung 
farmer for the rest of my life!" 
    "Are you a bloody loon? Collecting dung is honest, respectable work!" 
spoke Toluene, shaking his finger in Perrywinkle's face.  "Not like 
wizardry.  Perrywinkle, Perrywinkle, wizardry?  Why don't you just become 
one of prince Humperdink's private courtiers?  Its a more respectable 
position!"  Perrywinkle shivered, rumors abounded of the 'services' 
prince Humperdink required of his courtiers. 
    "But father" argued Perrywinkle.  "It is a great honor, only one boy 
in all the kingdom is chosen every thirty years to become the Court 
Wizard's apprentice!" 
    "And how many others were there to apply for the position" asked 
Toluene. 
    "Well, none..." 
    "Exactly!  Havn't you heard whats being said of old Telour, 
Perrywinkle?  They say he's gone soft in the head, he's been mumbling and 
giggling in court lately, talking about blowing things up.  There's been 
talk that the King's going to arrange to have him drowned in his cauldron 
so Lord Bluetspur can take over!" 
    "Perrywinkle shivered, Lord Bluetspur was Smaug's Associate Wizard.  
He had a rather nasty reputation.  If rumors were true, Lord Bluetspur 
had been responsible for the disappearance of several men who had been 
thorns in the side of King Mortis.  Rather nasty diapearances too, 
involving pentagrams, demons and other such troublesome things. 
    "Well, I have faith in him" lied Perrywinkle, his mouth twitching 
wildly.  "He didn't seem the least bit senile to me!" 
    "Well, being killed by Teflour is the least of your concerns" warned 
Tolune.  "You're a normal young lad, aren't you?  Have you heard of the 
dread Wizard's Vows?" 
    "Yes" responded Perrywinkle.  "They must swear to serve the land, 
serve the people, serve the king..." 
    "Yes, yes, yes" said Toluene impatiently, "but what isn't so widely 
publisized is the dreaded Fourth Vow of Wizardry!" 
    "Fourth vow?" asked Perywinkle.  What's that."  Toluene looked 
around, worriedly.  When he was sure no one could here him, he bent over 
and whispered in Perrywinkle's ear. 
    "No nookey." 
    "What?" asked Perrywinkle confusedly. 
    "No nookey!" screamed Toluene.  "Each wizard must swear to never take 
a wife, and to never have a woman!.  Oh those wizards are a strange lot.  
Spend most of their time looking at pictures of naked elves I wouldn't 
wonder...  It's not the life of a man Perrywinkle...you may be scrawney, 
short, and homely, but just you wait until all this dung is yours!" He 
spread his arms.  "Women will flock to you like flies to rotting meat!" 
    "But father..." whined Perrywinkle, his conviction somewhat shaken. 
    "Think about it boy" said Toluene.  "You can go hang arround with a 
bunch of senile old men dressed in strange hats and long robes, or you 
can stay here and live a happy prosperous life selling dung!" 
    "Well, I don't care!" yelled Perrywinkle.  He reached over and poked 
Toluene in his ample stomach.  "I'm going to be a wizard, and not all the 
dung in the world is going to keep me here!  Damn you, and damn your 
dung!" 
    "What..." whispered Toluene in outrage.  Overcome with surprise, he 
could not move.  Perrywinkle had always been such a quiet, sniveling, 
weak boy...and now this? For the first time in his life Perrywinkle had 
shown some backbone, some gumption, some conviction.  Toluene smiled, he 
knew what he must do.  He reached out his hands and grabbed Perrywinkle 
by the neck.  He picked him up, and began to throttle him.  "Don't let me 
ever hear you speak badly of dung! Dung is what bought you those clothes! 
Dung is what keeps you fed at night! All you have and all you are you owe 
to dung!" 
    "I'm sorry father" squeeked Perrywinkle "I didn't meen to damn your 
dung".  Toluene stopped his throttling.  His hands remained firm on 
Perrywinkle's neck.  I wonder what he'd look like as a newt, thought 
Perrywinkle absentmindedly to himself. 
    "Now Perrywinkle" spoke Toluene kindly.  "Let's hear you say 'I don't 
want to be a wizard, I want to sell dung like my dear old dad'.  Say it 
quick, or I might have to snap your neck." 
    "I don't want to be a wizard, I want to sell dung like my dear old 
dad" lied Perrywinkle quickly.  His lip twitched violently.  Luckily his 
dad was too enraged to notice. 
    "Good boy" said Toluene, calming down somewhat.  He dropped 
Perrywinkle to the floor with a loud thump.  "Now go out and see to the 
dung, we've got a big shipment from Oltack the goose breeder!" 
Perrywinkle shivered, he hated goose dung.  He hated all dung, but he 
really hated goose dung. 
    "Yes father" he said and dutifully left.  He didn't go arround to the 
front.  He didn't unload old Oltack's dung.  Instead he made the most 
important descision of his life -- he decided to run away from home. 
    Running off to his little loft in the barn, right over the sheep dung 
storage area, Perrywinkle quickly made himself a bundle of his least dung 
stained clothing.  Packing only such essentials as Baa Baa his stuffed 
sheep, Perrywinkle was ready to leave home and find a new life almost 
immediately.  As he proudly snuck out the back gate, he swore he would 
never return. 
    A few minutes later he decided he would return, when he was a wizard, 
so he could blow the whole place up. 



Newsgroups: rec.games.vectrex