From: rick@sadtler.sadtler.com (Rick Morris)
Subject: DOOL: TAN: Off The Ick Monster...
Organization: Sadtler Research Laboratories
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1992 14:55:40 GMT


Vince pooped out:
> Due to a number of factors, the unofficial Off the Ickmonster contest
> has been put on indefinite hiatus. I'm returning your entry to you so
> that you may post it (or whatever). A million pardons.
>
> - Vince

So I post:

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After the return from the honeymoon in Italy, a new evil pervades Salem.
Someone is drooling the women of Salem to death.  Dubbed the Salem Slobberer
by the Spectator, the Salem Slobberer hits Carrie.  As she dies in Isabella's
arms, Issy B. swears on her dead sister's grave that she will find the
culprit and bring him/her to justice.  Aided by her trusty companions Bo
and Tanner, Isabella forms the Salem Safety Brigade.  Armed with fluffy
towels and turkey basters, when night falls, the Salem Saftey Brigade sails
into action.  They set up headquarters on the dock, using the payphone there
as a hotline.  When anyone sees someone lying in a pool of saliva, the
Salem Safety Brigade is called.  They rush to the scene using Bo's boat,
and, mopping up, save a life!  Towel One!  Baste Two!  The streets are
fighting back.

But the identity of the Salem Slobberer remains a mystery and the mayhem
in Salem continues.  Isabella, in a desperate attempt to save Salem, sets
herself up as a target.  One Friday evening she dons terrycloth underwear
and strolls alone to the docks.  Bo and Tanner are stalking behind.  Tanner
is konked on the head and everything goes dark.  A struggle is heard in the
mist up ahead, and everything is quiet.  Tanner recovers, sees Bo already
awake rubbing his head.  They rush to the dock where Isabella, fading fast
in a pool of drool and terrycloth underwear whispers the name of the man
who did this in Tanner's ear.  Bo Brady is the Salem Slobberer!  Tanner
looks at Bo.  A dribble of spittle escapes from the corner of Bo's mouth.
Tanner snears.  Bo glowers.

"You're the SLOBBERER, you creep.  And you killed ISABELLA just like you
killed my MOTHER!", rasps Tanner.

"You've got to prove it, Tanner.  Isabella is dead, and you were knocked
out.  How are you going to prove it?", Bo responds.

"Only TWO of us knew that she had terrycloth underwear on!", rasps Tanner.
"You and ME.  I know it's not ME.  It has to be YOU!"

"I thought you mother commited suicide", says Bo.

"When you have a good line you keep WITH it", rasps Tanner.

On to the scene rushes John Black.  "Issy B.!  It's the nineth inning,
two outs!  You can't make an out!  Hang tight, Issy.  They'll walk
ya."

"It's too late, John.  The fat lady is SINGING", rasps Tanner.

"If she goes, we all go!  We go down as a team," says John quietly.  He
pulls out a gun.  "We go as a team!"  He shoots Bo.  He shoots Tanner.
He turns the gun on himself.  "It's a long fly ball.  But the centerfielder
is there."  He shoots himself.

Tom and Alice walk down to the docks.  They see the carnage.

"Tom.  Don't you think that we should do something about this?", asks Alice.

"Alice", says Tom is a quivering voice, "We can clean this up later.  Let's
get to the fund raiser for the clinic."

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-Rick.
-- 
Rick Morris                            Email:  rick@sadtler.com
Sadtler Research Labs, Philadelphia   -But I speak for myself
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