HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: robinson@odie.ee.wits.ac.za (Michael Robinson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: TV axioms
Date: 24 Dec 92 07:00:30 GMT
Organization: Wits Electrical Engineering (Novell Users).

In article <5150107@hplsla.hp.com> barryg@hplsla.hp.com (Barry Gunn) writes:

>>/ hplsla:rec.humor / garrett@Ingres.COM (REACH OUT AND GREP SOMEONE) /  5:40 pm  Dec 10, 1992 /
>>       Here's an abbreviated list of TV axioms:
>>
>>1) If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
>>2) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased
>>   by a crazed maniacal killer.
>>3) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
>>4) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
>>5) Good guys are always outnumbered.
>>6) Teenagers who have sex will die in grotesque ways.
>>7) There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
>>8) Good guys always win (of course).
>>9) The good guy always gets the women.
>>10) Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
>>11) Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
>>12) Crazy people are always dangerous.
>>13) Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
>>14) If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
>>15) The head bad guy is always smart. The guys who work for him 
>>    are always stupid.
>>16) <insert yours here>
>>
>>
>>       I will compile a list if you email me.
>>               Garrett@Ingres.com
>>
>>
>>----------
> 
>16) In a car chase, someone always hits some poor street vender's cart.
>17) When someone gets in a car and hesitates starting the 
>    engine for any reason, that means someone bad is in the back.
>18) Likewise, if the camera shows the key being turned in the ignition,
>    the car will explode.
>19) While on the subject of cars, if someone get out of a car at night,
>    they always leave the lights on. Why is that?
>20) If the good guy has to prowl around in the dark with a flashlight,
>    he will eventually turn around and shine it behind him while walking
>    backwards. Just to be grabbed on the shoulder from behind, usually by
>    another good guy (for shock effect).
>21) Bad guys get up immediatly after getting kicked in the groin 8^*.
>22) Everyone knows how to pick locks, and they use just one tool (need 2).

23) If someone is going to kill a vampire they set out 10 min before dark.
24) The bad guy has always hidden himself in the back seat.
25) The group always splits up to look for the alien.

Cheers,
Michael
From: 00bwanderson@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Don't Read Me. Only a test...
Date: 31 Dec 92 04:31:41 GMT
Organization: Ball State University, Muncie, In - Univ. Computing Svc's

In article <8784.16718@stratus.SWDC.Stratus.COM>, bruce@godzilla.swdc.stratus.com (Bruce Overby) writes:
> In article <1992Dec17.140402.28794@spock.UUCP> ramirez@spock.uucp (Andreas Orphanides) writes:
>>In article <Bz3xA2.Hs8@news.ucs.mun.ca> jfarrell@morgan.ucs.mun.ca (James Farrell) writes:
>>>In article <702.9212101345@thor.cf.ac.uk> scocjk@thor.cf.ac.uk (Christopher Kyle) writes:
>>>>In article <1992Dec8.185407.15398@Princeton.EDU> sguha@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (Saumyen Guha) writes:
>>>>|In article <61190004@acf3.NYU.EDU> wut@acf3.NYU.EDU (Tom Wu) writes:
>>>>|>/* acf3:rec.humor / mwasserm@diana.cair.du.edu (MARC Y. WASSERMAN) / 10:42 am  Dec  7, 1992 */
>>>>|>In article <ByvLyF.MBt@news.ucs.mun.ca> jfarrell@morgan.ucs.mun.ca (James Farrell) writes:
>>>>|>>In article <1992Dec6.212621.12609@spock.UUCP> bane@spock.uucp (Cameron Huang) writes:
>>>>|>>>In article <184434@pyramid.pyramid.com> vkhare@misdev.mis.pyramid.com (Vilas Khare) writes:
>>>>|>>>>.this is a test message, please ignore.
>>>>|>>>You are a dork, and your post's a bore.
>>>>|>>That's not very nice. You're just being sore.
>>>>|>Perhaps he's ironic, and wants some more.
>>>>|>Quit dancing around, and let's get to the core.
>>>>|As if , you are talking to a whore!
>>>>He knows that, he knows the score.
>>>What the hell are we doing this for?
>>two months on the last one, let's go for four!
> Cascades for a life? That's totally poor!
You'll not hear me complain, that's for sure!

Bruce
-- 
.sig?  We don' need no steenkin' .sig!

Bruce Anderson: A tradition of Chaos and Disorder since 1967
spock@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (unix)	00bwanderson@bsu-ucs.uucp (VAX)
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!  BSU disclaims me, and I disclaim them.
From: mikec@spider.co.uk (Mike Coren)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?
Date: 22 Dec 92 17:42:27 GMT
Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK.

In article <25148.1065.uupcb@satalink.com> vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco) writes:
>In the 60's, when I was in High School, there was a rash of 
>a kind of joke I had never hear before or since, and I'm 
>wondering if it was unique to us, or the region, or whatever.  
>The jikes literally made no sense at all and I guess that's 
>where the humor came from.  Does anyone remember anything 
>like these:
>
>Q:  Why is an orange?
>A:  Because motorcycles dont have windshields.
>
>or:
>
>Q:  What's the difference between an orange?
>A:  The refrigerator has to be turned off.
>
>TIA for any valid responses.
>
>
>--- WinQwk 2.0 a#0
>                                                                                                              
The 60's?  Ah hah.  NOW I understand.
How much and what kinds of drugs are needed to make these jokes funny?

ObJoke:
Q:  How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Woah, man, we'll just get so f**kin' high we can float up into the
    sunlight, man, ya dig?

Like, Groovy, man,
Mike

-- 
Michael D. Coren, Electrical Engineer             mikec@spider.co.uk
Telecommunications Techniques Corporation, Germantown, Maryland, USA.
Temporarily at Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, Scotland, UK.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: sykes@donner.cc.bellcore.com (sykes,michael)
Subject: Re: coins
Organization: Bellcore, Livingston, NJ
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 21:01:23 GMT

In article <1992Dec16.180542.26280@spock.UUCP>, drizzt@spock.uucp (Neela Jacques) writes:
> 
> How can you make 40 cents out of only two coins?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> get two Australian 20 cent coins. HaHa!

Now this is dumb
From: 11srust@gallua.gallaudet.edu (Scott A. Rust)
Subject: Re: What's allowed on rec.humor?
Reply-To: 11srust@gallua.gallaudet.edu
Organization: Gallaudet University English Dept
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 00:35:54 GMT

In article <1gud4uINNsho@cs.widener.edu>, SBARNETT@tattoo.cs.widener.edu (Scott Barnett) writes:
> Hi everyone,
>    I am new to rec.humor and was wondering what is allowed and what isn't?
> (eg. adult, religious, ethnic, etc...)  Thanks.
> 


	Interestingly enough, Scott, ANYTHING is allowed on this group,

			HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	What is preferred is a lot of innane discussions about things that most
people don't give a horse's ass about. Basically, a good rule to have while
reading rec.humor is to not read ANYTHING thats subject line begins with the
following : "RE:      ", because when you start getting interested in the
schlock in these postings, that's when you KNOW that you're hooked on
rec.humor. This can be VERY dangerous. You can AND WILL spend many hours a 
day reading/replying/forwarding/extracting/cut and pasting/setting up
kill.files/etc/etc/etc and I PROMISE that you'll hate yourself in the end and
will become a recluse and even MORE of a nerd than you already are. 

			I should know.

	I spent the first half of this year being ADDICTED to this group.
Coming into the university, ignoring my students, going STRAIGHT to the
computer, sitting down and PRAYING that our news server wasn't on the blink. On
those days when it WAS on the blink, I would go home and eat 2 pints of Ben and
Jerry's ice cream and go straight to bed. I'm currently involved in a 12 step
program called NETHUMOR ANONYMOUS. This group of courageous adults is trying to
help me piece my life back together so that I will NOT spend all those wasted
hours sitting on my arse reading superflourous drivel spouting from the
international keyboards represented here on this group.

	Oh, shit.........

		I think I'm having a relapse.......

			goodbye, Scott, best of luck to you, poor sucker....


-- 
_______

		Scott A. Rust | "A stupid person can do anything
	 Gallaudet University |           except think."
 11srust@gallua.gallaudet.edu |                   Bob Dobbs, Jr.

		   "Why? Why because I laugh."
                                    - Sherwood Anderson -
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: catstyle@deja-vu.aiss.uiuc.edu (Jason R. Heimbaugh)
Subject: The Lame rec.humor.funny Contest
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1993 01:38:53 GMT

Brad, where are you?  We're sorry that we complained some of your
humor was lame.  At least you took time to *READ* what was being
sent to you before you posted it.

Anyways, let's have some fun, find and send the stupidest jokes
you know of to funny@clarinet.com (Remember that this is the
moderator of rec.humor.FUNNY we're flaming - what arrogance, even
I have to admire it).  Also send a copy of it to me at 
jrh@uiuc.edu

(For all you supergeniuses out there, don't cc: me on the same
note you send to Maddi.)

If you really want to win, try song parodies, they're guaranteed
to get through.  Or try recent rec.humor postings, there've been
several of them recently.

Whoever gets the most lame jokes posted wins.  What do you win?  
I don't know, maybe I'll mail you 100 of my favorite gif files.  
In any case, you'll be immortalized forever.

I'll let everyone know if anyone's lame jokes made it through
in about a month.

-- 
Jason R. Heimbaugh (CatStyle)
jrh@uiuc.edu
"When my time's over and I'm out on my own,
 You won't find me in an old folks home." --Ronnie Van Zant
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu (Joel Furr)
Subject: COWS
X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a public access Unix system run by the University
	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 93 08:23:15 GMT

Please, if ANYONE has the Cow Files of ASCII art devoted to cows, mail
them to me!
From: Richard.A.Damon.III@dartmouth.edu (Rick Damon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: anatomy cartoon needed
Date: 23 Dec 92 21:08:55 GMT
Organization: Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, Lebanon, NH
X-Posted-From: InterNews1.0b3@newshost.dartmouth.edu

"This is your elbow..."
I'm certain I had something scanned at some point, but can't find it
now.  Please send me any version in any format I can use on a Mac.

I'm sure The Director will thank you!

--Rick Damon
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: hampton@ais.org (Kevin Podsiadlik)
Subject: RHF's "personal touch"
Organization: UMCC
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 01:54:28 GMT

While this is probably attributable to stress on Maddi Hausman's part,
the following struck me as, being, well, a little stupid.


My letter to topical@clarinet.com:

To the editors: I have mailed this to "topical" so that you might
correct, as quickly as possible, your error of posting only half of a
joke.  On 12/19, you posted "Seminars for Men"; however, there is
a companion list of "Seminars for Women", and the two clearly
correlate.  At any rate, here is "Seminars for Women":

"The male staff (a.k.a The "We're really in charge here" Council) will be
offering courses to all women, taught by properly trained women who will
serve as role models.  Please note a few course name changes.  Attendance in
at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory.
 
1.   Combatting stubbornness
[...]

******

Maddi's reply:

Sorry, I already posted a joke very much like that one in rec.humor.funny
previously.  I never repeat jokes. [...]



>DING!<

-- 
Kevin J. Podsiadlik          | 
Vaporware Engineer 2nd class |    "But, Master, what if we behave badly?" 
E-mail: hampton@ais.org      |    "You go to Detroit."
CompuServe: 71460,3602       |
From: bochner@das.harvard.edu (Harry Bochner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d,alt.config
Subject: Re: Cows
Date: 31 Dec 92 21:59:39 GMT
Article-I.D.: das.1992Dec31.215939.20487
Organization: Aiken Computation Lab, Harvard University

In article <1992Dec31.200331.28664@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>,
jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu (Joel Furr) writes:
|> In article <carlson.724547424@cwis> carlson@cwis.unomaha.edu (Brian D. Carlson) writes:
....
|> (Note to alt.config:
|> the message above was originally in rec.humor.d and is being crossposted
|> to alt.config for your edification.)

Funny, the article <carlson.724547424@cwis> has not yet reached either my site,
or uunet!
Maybe there's some propagation problem in rec.humor.d ;-)

-- 
Harry Bochner
bochner@das.harvard.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: dlaro@lonestar.utsa.edu (David O. Laro)
Subject: Re: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas is NOT IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN!!
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio
Distribution: rec
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 04:30:36 GMT

In article <1992Dec20.233350.6307@desire.wright.edu> dhoeferlin@desire.wright.edu writes:

>	Isn't it neat how you can see something that I said that was
>incorrect and flaunt you own knowledge while making irrevelant personal
>attacks.
>
>|==============================|
>| David Hoeferlin              |
>| Wright State University      |
>| Electrical Engineering       |
>| dhoeferlin@desire.wright.edu |
>|==============================|

errrr, David, I like that and wonder if I could use it...if it's not
copyrighted or something.  (you made your point)

Another David
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d,alt.config
From: jfurr@nyx.cs.du.edu (Joel Furr)
Subject: Re: Cows
X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a public access Unix system run by the University
	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 92 20:03:31 GMT

In article <carlson.724547424@cwis> carlson@cwis.unomaha.edu (Brian D. Carlson) writes:
>
>	The infamous dos 5.0 chkdsk destroyed my hard drive. That isn't
>funny, but the worst part is, I lost my copy of the ascii pics of cows.
>
>	Would someone please post it to rec.humor, or mail it to me
>please?
>

I have recently opened discussion on alt.config on the subject of an
alt.fan.cows newsgroup dedicated to cow humor, ascii art of cows, etc.  If
anyone can repost these to alt.config to show the people there that YES,
people really DO find cows funny, I'd appreciate it.  (Note to alt.config:
the message above was originally in rec.humor.d and is being crossposted
to alt.config for your edification.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: hathaway@stsci.edu
Subject: 36 cent checks
Organization: Space Telescope Science Institute
Distribution: na
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 22:41:53 GMT

In rec.humor.funny: 

#  I received some chintzy direct-marketing sweepstakes mailing today...
#...
#
#"(b) An additional $100,000.00 will be split equally amongst all individuals
#who respond in compliance with all instructions but in no event will you
#receive less than 36 cents."
#
#--


Yep, I got one of these last year - and they actually sent me some 
checks for $0.36.  I cashed one of them and framed another because 
it was so stupid.  

BTW, how about something _Funny_ on rec.humor.funny for a change? 

Wm. Hathaway
From: burley@apple-gunkies.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Re: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas is NOT IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN!!
Date: 25 Dec 92 22:31:34 GMT
	<BURLEY.92Dec19032806@apple-gunkies.gnu.ai.mit.edu>
	<1992Dec20.233350.6307@desire.wright.edu>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Free Software Foundation 545 Tech Square Cambridge, MA 02139
NNTP-Posting-Host: apple-gunkies.gnu.ai.mit.edu
In-reply-to: dhoeferlin@desire.wright.edu's message of 20 Dec 92 23:33:49 EST

In article <1992Dec20.233350.6307@desire.wright.edu> dhoeferlin@desire.wright.edu writes:

	   I'll admit that I don't know much about copyright and trademark
   laws in the USA, but then I never claimed to be knowledgeable on those 
   subjects either.  The comment that seemed to get under your skin had 
   nothing to do with the point I was trying to make.  

Then why say it?  Why say "I doubt you have any copyright" or whatever?
Isn't that just advertising that you have knowledge of what copyright
law is about and claiming the person doesn't own a copyright on his/her
own work?

	   As for my original post, I was attempting to make a simple point.
   When you post something to the net, it may get copied without credit where
   credit is due.  I'm sure you'd agree that this happens all the time, to 
   hundreds of people who post their original work to the net.  I have no
   interest in a argument/flame-war about copyright/trademark laws.

I agree, I just don't see why you need to start off such a post with a claim
that a person doesn't have a copyright ("or registered trademark or anything
like that") on something they wrote.

Obviously, in my post, I agreed with the notion that posting stuff to the
net does _risk_ it getting copied without credit.  But that doesn't mean such
copying is legal (it isn't), _nor_ (and this was _my_ point) that the
owner of the copyright shouldn't frequently remind people of the copyright
status of his/her works.  Without having others state that there _is_ no
copyright status (hence implying it's in the public domain, despite the
clear statement of the original subject line).

Basically, you _implied_ knowledge of copyright law (despite demonstrating
lack of such knowledge) by stating your doubts that it applied to the
creation in question, and you _deserve_ to be flamed for doing so.  And
I wasn't exactly showing off my knowledge of the subject matter, given
that I was telling others to _go read a book_ rather than just listen to
my opinions (as you seemed to be doing).
--

James Craig Burley, Software Craftsperson    burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Member of the League for Programming Freedom (LPF) lpf@uunet.uu.net
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Subject: Re: Where *have* you been?
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 18:56:05 GMT

In article <S4c5.52f4@looking.on.ca> schunix!sonix@transfer.stratus.com (Duane Morin) writes:
>This happened at work (Software Etc, a computer/video game store) just the
>other day:
>
>Customer:  "Can I ask you a really stupid question?"

[see the original posting for the whole joke]

>Customer:  "What exactly is this 'nintendo' thing I keep hearing about?"

While this can be funny, I think there are people who have no TV and
no child.

Remember the good joke formula:
you need 3 persons to tell a good joke: the one who tells, the one who
hears, and a third who doesn't catch it.  Just make the joke funnier.

BTW, I catch it.  I am a working software engineer and must recognize this
world is moving very fast.  WIthout the newsreader or reading the relevant
magazines, I can easily lose the track.  And if I was not reading the
saturday newspaper nor listening to TV news from time to time, I could
ask: hey, what is that Kuwait war?  Who's that Clinton they talked about
in that funny sketch (BTW, there is a lot of USian jokes we just can't
catch outside of USA).

Ever heard this one?  A farmer comes to the general store and say he wants
a Hooz-tawkin.  The salesperson just don't catch it.  Never heard of a
Hooz-tawkin.  The farmer says: but, you have one and I want one me too.
SP says: can you show me.  ANd the farmer shows a phone.  SP says:
well, this is a telephone.  Why do you call this a Hooz-tawkin?  The, the
phone rings.  SP says "A moment please.  ...  Hi, Who's talking?"

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Ge'ne'alogiste des familles : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Un Que'bec renouvele' dans une Ame'rique renove'e
\_.-===  Ope'rateur de "Racines du Que'bec" (514) 922-9636 BBS/Genealogie
From: doug.hewko@synapse.org (Doug Hewko) 
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Re: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas is IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN!!
Date: 22 Dec 92 09:04:00 GMT
Distribution: world
Organization: SYNAPSE BBS - GATINEAU, QUEBEC - 819-561-4321
Reply-To: doug.hewko@synapse.org (Doug Hewko) 

From: doug.hewko@synapse.org

All I can really say is that why is the best material have only
implied copyrights?   I have been on here for several months, and in
all quite honesty, the only people crying about copyrighting their
material post nothing worth sharing.  This is not meant as a flame as
I recognzie that EVERYTHING said here and outside of the next is
inheritantly copyrighted.  I even knew of a university professor who
prohibitted people taping his lectures because everything he said "was
copyrighted".

               Doug
---
 . 1st 1.01 #574 . "If you can't pave it, why save it?" -- Montana Max
                                                             
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
From: madhaus@netcom.com (Maddi Hausmann)
Subject: Re: RHF's "personal touch"
Organization: Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 07:39:58 GMT

No, actually it meant I already accepted "Seminars for Women" and
it is in the queue.

-- 
Maddi Hausmann                madhaus@netcom.com
Humorist, Satirist, Tech Writer.  Take your pick.

Centigram Communications Corp, San Jose California  408/428-3553
From: anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec)
Subject: 5 golden showers
Originator: anton@gagme
Organization: Gagme Public Access UNIX, Chicago, Illinois.
Distribution: USA
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1992 21:38:56 GMT

Does anyone have the words of the song that was played on WLUP AM1000
in Chicago a couple of years ago, in which on the 5th day of Xmas somebody
gets 5 golden showers? There was something about French Ticklers
too, but I don't remember how many and when...

Anyone?

Thanx and happy holidays, whatever d'f* they are.