From: carasso@netcom.com (RDC)
Subject: ASSHOLE AWARDS Re: PB, The Pizzabitz
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 04:18:04 GMT
Organization: PTA BOARD COUNCIL OF THE GREATER UNITED STATES

IN TALK.BIZARRE ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra) writes:
)rigler@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Somme Mersault) writes:
)) The girl I'm most attracted to right now
)) the pizza plus [tm] delivery girl
)
)     Ah, now you've gone and reminded me
)of the Pizzabitz.
)
)     "Who's the Pizzabitz, Uncle Starcap'n?"
)
)     All right, I'll tell you about the
)Pizzabitz.  But then you've got to get
)back to work and quit fucking around in
)talk.bizarre.
)
)     "Fuck that.  Just tell us about the
)Pizzabitz and maybe we won't cut off your
)arm and shove it down your throat."
)
)     Well, ok, I'll tell you about the
)Pizzabitz.  And you can keep fucking
)around in talk.bizarre after I'm done
)and you don't have to get back to work.
)
)     I met the Pizzabitz at Casey Moore's
)(of course, where else, christ, would I even
)have a life if it weren't for Casey Moore's?).
)You see, at Casey's, you ain't nothin unless
)you're a fis' or a bitz.  I'm a fis',
)donchaknow.  Huck Fis'.  We've been over
)this before.  So Pizzabitz was the pizza
)maker's apprentice at some pizza place.
)
)     She's sitting next to me at the bar
)one night and volunteers that she'd been
)shopping all day and had hardly spent any
)money, a situation so deplorable that she
)absolutely had to buy me a drink.  A Sambuca
)as a matter of fact.  She forced me to have
)it chilled even though I prefer straight up
)with the three coffee beans.
)
)     The next time I met the Pizzabitz she
)was sitting in the corner with Jenny the
)English Major, and I noticed the two of
)them as I sat at the bar.  I went over to
)talk to them.
)
)     The Pizzabitz is about 5'6, blonde, and
)very thin.  Jenny the English Major is
)a little shorter and not quite as thin, with
)dark brown hair in a style that for some
)reason reminds me of Berlin in 1930 and total
)decadence.  Sitting there talking, I remember
)thinking to myself that either one of them
)would be a fine, fine   er   uh   experience
)indeed.  But at that time Jenny the English
)Major seemed to have this stupid German guy
)always hanging onto her, and the Pizzabitz was
)more my type anyway, so I decided to set my
)sights on the Pizzabitz.
)
)     A few nights later I ran into the
)Pizzabitz at Casey's again and asked her
)out to the ballet.  She thought that was
)cool.  In fact, me and her and Bones
)eventually became fond of doing our five
)foot positions in the bar from time to time.
)Pizzabitz would go, "Ok, now, first
)position everybody" and everybody would
)go first position, etc.  Poor old Bones
)has since moved on to graduate study
)in England, the big lug.
)
)     But anyway, I ask her number to make
)further arrangements later.  Michael the
)bartender (not to be confused with Randall
)the bartender or Gavin the bartender) pipes
)up 439-5555, or whatever the hell her number
)is.  Ha ha very funny I go out with party girl,
)yeah, that's what I like!
)
)     So me and the Pizzabitz went out for
)awhile.  Whenever we met someone new she'd
)always say, "Hi, I'm the Pizzabitz!"
)
)     Meanwhile, one very slow night in
)Casey's, only five or so people at the
)bar, I'm sitting by myself and around
)the corner of the bar a couple of
)barstools down is Jenny the English Major.
)She's sitting there with her drink and
)I catch her eye and I just know.  It's
)kind of like Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway
)when they meet in Barfly, you know?  It's
)like, I know what you do, bitz.  And I'm
)not even going to try to fool you about me
)(I never do).
)
)     Some people find joy and challenge
)in playing roles as a means to seduction.
)I find joy and challenge in making no
)attempt whatsoever to hide who and what
)I really am and daring them to fuck me
)anyway.
)
)     But getting back...I still haven't
)really met JTEM yet.  Just as I contemplate
)how to start up a conversation, two policemen
)enter the bar.  I shoot them a disgusted
)look, like what the fuck are you pigs
)doing coming in here and stinking up the
)joint.
)
)     They come right over to me.  I'm
)thinking, "Wow, can these guys read minds
)or what?"
)
)     "You're Starcap'n Ra, right?"  (Well,
)actually, they didn't really say "Starcap'n
)Ra.")
)
)     "Yes."
)
)     "Step outside, please."
)
)     Oh great.  Not this drill again.  Well,
)to make a long story short, I end up in
)handcuffs out in the street next to my car.
)It seems a car fitting mine's description has
)been seen late at night driving up and down
)the alleys with people on the luggage rack,
)knocking over big green trash containers and,
)"Gee, those sure look like a lot of fresh
)dents in your car son."
)
)     Evidently they saw my old station wagon
)outside, figured I was their man, and had
)called in the plate and gotten my description
)from the driver license with the same name
)and address.
)
)     "Ha ha, yeah, I sure do have a shitty
)heap of a car there don't I officers."
)
)     "You don't have a problem with people riding
)around on your roof, do you son?"
)
)     "No, sir, no problem at all.  My friends
)and I don't even have T-shirts saying 'Huck and
)the Night Riders.'  I don't have a Norman
)Rockwell portrait of me driving my car with my
)friends on the luggage rack, hair wind-swept
)back, entitled same either."
)
)     Well fifteen minutes later I'm back in
)the bar again in front of my half-finished
)Cabernet Sauvignon.  As I nonchalantly sip my
)wine, I glance over at Jenny the English Major.
)She's trying to act nonchalant too, but I can
)tell that no matter how hard she tries she
)can't hide the fact that after this little
)porcine incident she thinks I'm sexy as all
)hell.
)
)     So we talk.
)
)     I don't remember whether it was that
)night or not, but sooner or later I end up
)at her place for the night.  Coincidentally
)enough, her apartment is right next door to
)Michael the bartender's.
)
)     One day I wake up at Jenny the English
)Major's and it's about 9am and I see the
)Pizzabitz getting into her car in the parking
)lot.  Ah ha, she's seeing Michael the bartender
)next door!  Most interesting, ha ha!  I knew
)I had party girl!
)
)     The Pizzabitz, it turns out, is not
)a party girl after all.  She only seems like
)one.  Actually, come to find out, she's
)looking to get married even though she's only
)21 years old.  Eventually I get the picture.
)She talks with everyone at the bar, but never
)goes home with anyone.  It seems I have cracked
)a nut, so to speak.  Of course, by the time
)I figure all this out, Pizzabitz isn't too
)happy with me because I, despite my
)considerably older years, am not out to get
)married at all.
)
)     Of course, I don't figure this all out
)on my own.  Some of it must be explained to
)me by another old girlfriend, The Ravishing
)Lenora.  One night in Casey's, Lenora and
)I discuss Pizzabitz.  I tell her how I had
)seen her that morning coming out of Michael's
)and how funny that was, ha ha.  Well, it
)turns out that wasn't nearly as funny as the
)story Pizzabitz told her how PB said she was
)over at Michael's one night and heard Jenny
)the English Major having a real good time
)through the wall.  Very funny, hee hee ha ha
)ho ho, especially when JTEM starts yelling
)"Oh Huck yes yes!"
)
)     Well all that was quite awhile ago.
)After that, Pizzabitz and I talked about
)going on a wine trip to Sonoma, but it never
)materialized because she started seeing
)more and more of Michael the bartender.
)She eventually married Micheal and quit
)drinking and became very boring.
)
)     Jenny the English Major and I are still
)friends.  Right now she's got these cool 3D
)pictures in her April Games magazine that
)look like just a bunch of dots until you
)attain deep sight.
)
)--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
)                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
)                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
)                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.asu.edu
)
)  Copyright 1992, don't you be talkin bout my Pizzabitz


				   
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