From: anon-1281@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: confused
Date: 19 Nov 92 04:58:12 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


MAIL ON :YEP

This is Don Quixote,
I've posted a few times and now I'd like some feedback.If possible.

Thanks for the support regarding my article on Suicides.I only
got one nasty flame and he had a legitimate argument.

Below is some thoughts,that have taken me some time to come
to grips with.If you don't feel like hearing someone's woes or
maybe disgusted with my thoughts,please skip this article.
Please bear in mind that it has taken a lot of courage to face myself
with this dilemna,I only ask that I not be judged,just answered if possible.





















I've read where people(mostly women,who seem to be more open) have
admitted to enjoying and even initiating the abuse.Not initially but
in the latter stages.

Thanks to 1218 I have learnt somethings that I found as confrontationalist.

When I was abused and I understood what was happening,around 13.I also
used the abuse as a means to an end.Does this constitute consent.?
To try and explain.....
My abuser was a female only 6 years older.This wasn't just 'fooling around',
this was  blatant abuse.No matter how I justified it,I would always try
to benefit from this experience.By the time I was 14 I was very proficient at
oral sex,I enjoyed it.It gave me some mystic power,power that could be transl(translated) into touchable tangible articles.
like if I knew I was about to be abused,I'd be thinking of what I wanted.
Records,booze,drugs etc....
Once I found that I was physically stronger than my abuser I used her to
gratify my needs.Sexually as well as materialistically.

Am I alone ? Once I thought I was,but I'm not so sure now.
I wanted to prove I could do 'it' perfectly.
I look back on my life and see shattered relationships because of my prior
experiences.I condemn others for not having the same sexual drive as myself,
I blame women for being unable to satisfy my sexual urges.
I feel as though I'm transforming into an abuser.Not in the sense of taking
advantage of younger women,more in the sense of comparing my virility as it
was in my abusive years.
Please,don't take this lightly.
My wife and I split after 20years of marriage because I required sex
constantly (3-5 times /day every fucking day ).I could see her point of view.
I met another woman who apeared to have my tenacity towards sex,she is now
saying what my ex was saying 10 years ago.This relationship is giong down
the toilet now.Is this a natural backlash towards abuse.?
According to statistics ,at my time in life my sexual frequency should
be declining,but alas it is inclining.
I'm not satisfied until my partner is exhausted and even then I may not be.

I worry about my behaviour,I worry I may be abusing[ I'd kill myself if
I was turning into an abuser ].As yet I haven't used force or cohesion.
This is so hard to say.............
I seem to be treating women whom I love as objects of my abuse.No-one has got
hurt,but I can see the possibility.Not that I'd do the hurting more like
my lover would physically hurt me if I persisted.

Does any of this make any sense.?
To C ,I haven't heard from you.....I need to.

Don Quixote.



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