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Date:         Thu, 30 Jul 1992 22:13:00 EDT
From:         "push the button, frank!" <SWEDE@DRYCAS.BITNET>
Subject:      faze the nation

Before I begin, let me assert that those photos that show me and Winona
Ryder on a yacht are clearly fabrications.  We were on a catamaran.
Now, on to today's commentary...

From: fred <CCHILDER@UNMCVM.BITNET>
>I'm glad to see support for sex and freedom to do whatever you want to
>your own mind from the various tickets. I gotta admit a preference for
>the forklift song as a national anthem (How about changing the motto
>from IN GOD WE TRUST to crow t. robot's favorite saying "BITE ME".)

Well, that's one vote in favor of the forklift song.  One of the nice
things about it is that the lyrics are flexible.  In each verse, the
first two lines are made up, and the last line goes like this:

"he triiiied to kill him with a forklift...ole!"

So, I propose that our New National aNthem be this:

"This is the song, written for our country,
 this is the song, a-me-ri-caaaaa!
 he triiiied to kill him with a forklift...ole!"

One of the great things about this one is that additional verses can be
written on the spot, which is a strong advantage over the static anthems
being proposed by the other tickets.  Plus, it meets the Ys guys criteria
for anthems, as well as MJ's (except for the bit about violence, but since
no one was hurt in that scene, I move that that criterion be waived).

Or, perhaps, the Gamera song could be modified to suit:

"America...Americaaaaa...
 America is really neat!  America is full of meat!
 We believe in Am-e-ri-caaa!"

Remember...the JohnsoN/OlsoN ticket supports your right to sing whatever
you want before a ball game.  Also, in the case of ball games, the last 'ole'
should be replaced with 'play ball!'.  'Huzzah!' is also commonly used.

As for the national motto, "Bite Me" is one of the choices being considered.
The others include "Hai-Kiba!", "I'm with Stupid", and "I will not pay a lot
for this muffler."

From: "Peter J. Schledorn" <UNCPJS@UNC.BITNET>
>As for the song
>that will replace "Hail to the Chief," I am currently considering a
>variety of pieces (e. g.: Groucho's "Whatever It Is, I'm Against It"
>will be played whenever I enter the Congress).

Since Tim will be the Prez, I'll leave the decision of what will replace
'Hail to the Cheif' up to him.  I'm strongly in favor of Black Sabbath's
"Iron Man", though.

From: Kerry Stephenson <KSTE@PURCCVM.BITNET>
>   Finally, and importantly, the Kerry ticket would like to say to
>all those who supported Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot, you have a place
>here with us, if you want it.

We of the Tall Guy ticket also have something to say to those who supported
Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot: "Bite me."  We firmly believe it's time to stop
sucking up to these guys.  The former had a tendency to de-scramble all of
David Duke's code words(*), and the latter had a tendency to do something -
we're just not sure what.

(*) - from an editorial cartoon by Kirk Anderson.

From: ANTHLAL@UMNACVX.BITNET
>now, on to the strength of the vice-presidential (president
>o' vice) candidate.  i would wager that gary olson knows enough about lutefisk
>to stun an ox, thus saving the rest of us from having to learn anything about
>it.  greater love hath no man than this, that he spare the experience of
>lutefisk from his friends.

What can I say?  My friends, my public, and my oxen are my primary concerns.
(Plus, this makes it unnecessary to appoint a lutefisk czar, thus saving more
taxpayer dollars).

Welcome back, anneliese!  We're pleased that you've given us your well-
considered and only slightly-coerced endorsement.  The National Shoe Policy
will be most eagerly awaited.

Well, that does it for this round of 'faze the nation.'  Tune in tomorrow,
and remember, the timothY johnsoN/garY olsoN ticket gives you two letters,
whereas other tickets only give you one.  Think of that 'round election time,
won't you?

Gary W. Olson                  "I like American Music,
SWEDE@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU    We like American Music,
                                Do you like American Music, too?"
                                - Violent Femmes
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU