From: stephen@mont.cs.missouri.edu (Stephen Montgomery-Smith)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Re: Christian Jokes
Date: 18 Nov 92 10:21:36 GMT
Organization: University of Missouri

There once was a man who lived his life completely for himself.  He spent
many years amassing a great fortune by investing stocks and buying companies
and the like.  Finally, the day before his 35th birthday he thought,
``Great, tommorrow I stop working, enjoy my fortune, and live life to the
full.''

However, that night, he died of a heart attack.  He found himself standing
outside the pearly gates.  There he saw Peter reading the `Heavenly Times.'
Great fear overtook this man as he realised that all this stuff about heaven
and hell was really true, and he had no assurance that he was heaven bound.
So he sheepishly approached Peter and quietly said ``Excuse me.''  
``Yes,'' said Peter, looking a bit annoyed at being desturbed from reading
the newspaper.  ``Do I get to go to heaven?'' asked the man.  ``Well, I
wasn't expecting anyone just now,'' replied Peter, ``let me look in the
book of life.'' 

So Peter looked through the book of life, they tried variant spellings of
the mans name, all possible ways in which the man might be in the book of
life.  Finally Peter had to say, ``No, sorry, I just don't see your name
there.''   ``But there has to be some mistake,'' replied the man, quaking
with fear.  ``Well,'' said Peter, ``did you do any good thing in your
life?''

The man thought and thought, and finally blurted out, ``Yes !!  I once
gace 50 cents to a beggar, and then I did give a dollar to a charity.''
``Hmmm,'' replied Peter, ``let me go and talk to God about this,''

So Peter went off, being careful to take the keys to heaven with him.  
The man waited and waited, and finally back came Peter.  ``So what
happened,'' said the man with great anticipation.

``Yes,'' said Peter, ``there has been some mistake.  Here is your
$1.50 back.''

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There was a certain man born of humble surroundings, who lived a quiet life,
and never became rich or important.  But throughout his life, he always
was careful to serve God in every way he could, praying and reading his
Bible, seeking out God's will.

Finally, he died, and he found himself at the gates of heaven.  As he
entered, he noticed that there was a great deal of work going on.  All
the angels and archangels were busy spring cleaning, making sure that
heaven looked really nice.

``What is going on,'' he asked a passing angel.  ``Why, the arch-bishop
of Nucibar just died, and we are working very hard to make sure that
we give him a really good welcome.''

The man was a little hurt.  ``But how can it be.  Although my life seemed
unimportant in the eyes of man, I did all that I was supposed to do.  Why
is it that this man who had so much worldly attention should also get
all the attention in heaven?''

``Well,'' replied the angel, ``this is the first arch-bishop we have had
here for for 500 years.''

[No offence meant --- I think this joke actually originated from an
arch-bishop.]

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Did you hear about the cannibal who ate a Lutheran, a Catholic and a
Charismatic?  

He had ecumenical movements.

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Who was the greatest financier of all time?

Noah, because he floated his stock while the rest of the world went into
liquidation.

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Stephen Montgomery-Smith