From: kellihmt@daisymae.crd.ge.com (Margaret T Kelliher)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: At what age is day care appropriate?
Date: 8 Apr 92 16:06:19 GMT
Reply-To: kellihmt@daisymae.crd.ge.com (Margaret T Kelliher)
Distribution: usa
Organization: GE Corporate R&D Center

In article <1992Apr03.234858.952904@locus.com>, judy@locus.com (Judy
Leedom Tyrer) writes:
|>In article <1992Mar26.235444.11402@informix.com> cathl@odin (Catherine
Lyman) writes:
|>>           Why do we scorn people who love their children but
|>>feel compelled to continue their interests outside the home?
|>
|>I am certain that this will generate flames, but it is nonetheless how I 
|>honestly feel about this topic.

I am going to make an honest attempt to turn down the heat here, but I 
greatly resent Judy's suggestions that 1) people who choose day-care 
cannot differentiate between children and possessions or pets; and 
2) people who choose to parent differently than she should refrain from
having children. If parts of the following article sound hostile, please
remember that I feel personally attacked by these statements. (In 
particular, I do not want to come across as attacking stay-at-home parents.
For those who are good at it, more power to you!)

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (:)), let's get down to
brass tacks:

|>HOWEVER,
|>the first five years of a child's life are CRUCIAL to the well being of that
|>child.  The most important job a person will ever have and the biggest most
|>critical responsibility a person will ever know is the care of the 0-5 YO so
|>that this human being has the requisite basis for a happy, fulfilling life.

Yes, the first five years of a child's life are extremely important. Yes, the
parent has the responsibility to provide the basis for a happy, fulfilling life
during this time.

|>So, finances aside, if you cannot take 5 years out of your career and
whatever
|>personal satisfaction that gives you to devote to the upbringing of another
|>human being, then, IMO, you should rethink having children. It is one thing
|>to HAVE to work.  It is quite another to choose to work at a time when your
|>children need so very much of you.  And it is especially sad to see the job
|>of caring for these precious beings put on someone who often doesn't
speak the
|>native language and makes less than minimum wage.  Not that these
might not be
|>wonderful, loving people.  But it says something very sad about our society 
|>that we don't value our children enough to pay PHD's in child development to
|>care for them if we can't.

In my opinion, some people are not well-suited to the rigors of 24 hour a day, 
7 days a week care of a small child. We (my husband and I) are such people. 
One of us could leave the workforce and and arrange to raise our child in an
impatient, exasperated, high-tension environment, just to prove we love her.  
That is what people like you would have us do. Instead, we chose to find the 
very best in child care for part of the day. The staff is well-educated, 
well-paid, stable (ie low turnover), happy, and loving towards the children.

We searched long and hard, investigating many alternatives: private, in-home
daycare, many centers, preschools, etc.  We drop by at unexpected times in 
order to check up. We are active members of the day-care parents advisory 
council. We are at all times aware that if day-care is not a positive force
in Kate's life and development, we can go to back to plan B - one of us will
stay home.

In our opinion, day-care is an extremely positive addition to Kate's life
and development.  When she is with us, she is the star of the show.  Our
time is her time.  We are patient, loving, creative people who think she
is the most wonderful person in the world and we have the strength to 
discipline appropriately when necessary.  She has plenty of parental 
attention and stimulation, and we don't find it necessary to use the 
TV as a baby-sitter. 

When she is at day-care, she is one of 8 stars, all of whom are treated as 
special, but with certain responsibilities as well: no hitting, no biting, 
treat each other as friends, etc. The activities they do are ones which we 
would/could not do at home, for reasons of supplies, number of children, 
creativity, etc. (we would do some of them I'm sure, but our facilities 
are limited.) 

She also has a specific freedom there that I'm not sure she would if 
one of us stayed at home with her. She does not have to be the best
all the time. While we would never consciously impose this on her, I 
know I felt that my mother had invested her entire life in my sister 
and me, losing her (much-loved) career in the process, and that I 
needed to prove myself worthy. She never said or implied this, but 
when you know your mother's chance to do what she loved was denied
simply because of your existence, well it's obvious.

|>If you live to be 80, then the 5 years devoted to your very young children
|>amounts to less than 7% of your life. 

See the above.  There exist many fields where that 5 years spells the end of
your career.  And if you believe that an only child is not optimal, better
extend that 5 years to 8 or 10.  


|>But I disagree with our values and priorities as a society where our children
|>are concerned.  Immigrants who first came to this country hundreds of years
|>ago sacrificed their ENTIRE lives for their children.  I think that is
much more
|>noble than the current standard of part time parenting.

And many of those immigrants worked outside the home.  Where do you get the
notion that people who work outside the home don't sacrifice for their 
children? What about the people who spend more than one parent's take-home 
pay for day-care? Financially, they'd be better off staying home (at least 
short term).  But, in their situation, they have a reason for believing that 
to be the wrong choice.


I know there are people who think that if you cannot be a good stay-at-home 
parent then you cannot be a good parent. To those people, the above 
dissertation is just so much nonsense. I find this unfortunate, because
some of these people end up staying home out of a misplaced sense of 
duty and burn out to a point where they are angry and resentful and the
children suffer. What a tragedy, and all the more so because it is avoidable.

In our case, we have a lot to offer our child as parents, and we do so
freely.  But we don't make everyone miserable trying to live up to someone
else's standards of good parenting.

Margaret Kelliher
kellihmt@crd.ge.com