Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: 1993
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1993 03:55:00 +0000



>Now you know who Jammer is. Who are you?

"Who am I?" Tanais sits and ponders such a deep question. "Who... 
am... I". He rolls the sound around his head for a while and then 
rolls his head gently to one side. "If I can tell you what I used to 
be, then you can work out from there... hopefully.

"I'm 28. Born on 19th March 1964. So I'm a Pisces -- Artist-types, 
sensitive and head in the clouds type.  I am 5'9" -- weigh 11.5 stone 
and have short brown hair, brown eyes and I smile, but it's a gentle 
smile. I lived in Hertfordshire England for most of those years until 
Mary MerryTail and I bought a house together nearly two years ago in 
Bath. She started work as a Staff Writer. I was a magazine Editor for 
a Magazine called Program Now and travelled across England on a more 
or less daily basis for 6 months until Future Publishing hired me as 
Deputy Editor on PC PLUS... "for my boundless enthusiasm". I helped 
hire Mary along with the rest of the "team". I've been in magazines 
for 8 years and have reached burnout -- I haven't seen my desk at 
work for well over two months as I had a nervous breakdown. 

"Big Changes.

"I used to work and sleep. Occasionally I'd eat. Then I sort of hit a 
panic vein about three years ago and did the only thing I knew best 
-- I worked harder. I became more and more work-oriented and less of 
a person. I withdrew into my head and became less productive. I was 
reliving memories that had not surfaced since they happened when I 
was 6 or a bunch of guys raping me and then [poof] I collapsed. I 
went away from everyone I knew and stayed in Edinburgh for two weeks 
-- with three days at home in between. It was around then when Mary 
first met Ignatz... I think.

"I was not very bright at school. I was bullied a lot and I was also 
bullied by kids with the permission of teachers in Gym classes. I was 
also abused at home but that's not been dealt with. I have perfect 
pitch, I can sing and if I study an instrument's mechanics, I can 
usually work out how to play the thing in -- say -- 30 minutes. I 
play The Bass Guitar, Double Bass, Fiddle, Chapman Stick, 
"occasional" recorder and for a short while made computer music tapes 
using a system called the Music 5000 for the BBC Micro. That went 
onto MIDI music in general which I just hated -- too divorced for 
people -- and they make music better than computers.

"Music is my solace. I use it to hide from pain and hurt, but I also 
use it to soar above it as well. I cried at the end of Mike 
Oldfield's Incantations. I turned into a Foetus by the  end of Pink 
Floyd's "The Wall". My musical tastes are wide and varied, but my 
main consistent love is Jazz -- Blue Note -- Late fifties and early 
sixties when they recorded some of the hottest music ever placed on 
record. After that I like Orchestral works by Bartok, Mozart, 
Beethoven, but there's space for Tilson Thomas and Philip Glass as 
well. Rock music is also fun... Sting, Gabriel, Bush, Simple Minds, 
Windam Hill stuff is cool as well. I also listen to other people's 
music with fresh ears -- as I made Pizza this evening for Mary Merry 
Tail and I to eat as we videoed and watched Sting's "Bring On the 
Night" movie. As I cooked  I listened to Ignatz's tape of Thomas 
Dolby's new CD -- Yeah! I liked the sequel to Europa and th Pirate 
Twins... Ignatz... thanks. I had almost given up on Thomas Dolby.

"Hi Fi is my "scientific" passion. I have a *very* expensive Hi Fi 
System (the arm to the record player alone cost me #1,000) and I only 
listen to Jazz/Rock records on vinyl -- CD is left to Classical and 
Orchestral pieces."

Tanais shifts in his seat and catches himself. "That's my 
diversions...

"I used to be slavishly jealous and paranoid. I used to think every 
laugh was an attack against me and I felt insecure -- even down to 
the clothes I would wear -- In the end I just used to wear the 
clothes that other people I liked wore. One day it would be a suit -- 
the next it would be jeans. When I remembered the first rape (a gang 
rape) I just wanted to be a woman and dressed "gender neutral" -- I 
hated men and I didn't want to be associated with being a man -- now 
I realise that I can be far more subversive by being a non-sexist, 
thoughtful kind and caring *man* and be proud of it... I worked hard 
to accept that little bit of skin that makes me a man, and I'm gonna 
prove that men don;t have to be hard macho idiots... what was it 
Mary: "Dick Brained Rats from the Planet Dork?". That's not me.

"I remember I finally broke down and screamed  "damnit you bastards 
-- you *raped* me". That started to change my life -- I was living in 
denial for years. So I did the first sensible thing in my life (next 
to dating Mary Merry Tail). I saw a councellor and have more or less 
dealt with everything. I was a sham, I was a liar to myself -- I had 
a wardrobe that didn't belong to me. I had a job I cared not a jot 
for (and I still don't), I was scared witless of the people at work 
(I still am). I basically fell to pieces. I got busted down and one 
of the poeple I helped Hire is now my boss -- that's tough -- but I 
don't ever want to be an Editor again. It's not a good job for me and 
I'm not made for it anymore.... I seriously doubt I'll ever write a 
decent thing for magazines again.

"In a fit of self-hate I took an overdose a while back -- I threw it 
all up and thank god I did! I met someone recently that made me 
realise that I could be liked for being just "me". That I was good 
enough to be liked. She knows who she is and I thank her -- but I am 
sorting myself out for my own reasons. I think back on my friends I 
have made since the breakdown and they have liked me because -- heck 
-- I'm a sweet guy. I listen to people that tell me that now I and I 
trust and believe them... that's an important step in my healing.

"And music has stayed with me ever since. It has been my comfort. It 
has been my drug. I remember a lullaby I was sung to by a teacher 
whern I fell ill at primary school when I was 8. That never happened 
at home. I wanted other people's parents to be my own. I'm my own 
best parent now and that's just fine. Like Mary. I have a life. It's 
so different from what it used to be, and it's not nearly as well 
formed as some here, but I'm taking my first steps... and I'm doing 
it slowly so I make the right choices.... not that I won't be capable 
of learning when I do make a wrong step."

Putting the jug down, Tanais shifts his cap on his head. "My name is 
Tanais here -- I may change my "Clive" name to further distance 
myself from my hereditary family. "Tanais" is a river that flows past 
Troy. To me Troy represents a great battle -- *my* personal battle. 
After Troy, Tanais ran red for a while, but it cleared and was pure 
once again -- and like life, it changes. Life is a continuum and the 
river is analogous to my life. Why a fox? Merrytail says I sit like a 
fox, I laugh like a fox and well, the fox is a *survivor* Tanais is 
fitting name for a beautiful creature that is sensuous and free. I am 
a survivor and I am realising that in this point in my life I can go 
anywhere I choose. I am hightly sensuous.

So, in short. I was not the same person because I was shielded from 
the world. I behaved like a different person back then. I'm calmer -- 
quieter and happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I need 
few things. Music and friends that's all. And I no longer crave 
emotional or ego bolstering. I will still behave in "funny" ways 
though. I ask people permission before I touch them, and I often say 
"is this okay?" when I hug or kiss, please doff my hat if I say that 
to anyone here when I hug them and it annoys them. I am more 
affectionatel now as well. As a person I love to be scritched around 
the neck and ears and I like friendly contact.

At this Tanais smiles a real smile, sits back in the stool and picks 
a wee piece of fluff from his fur. and looks at Jammer square on... 
"So who am I?

"I am Tanais -- I am a survivor"

Suprised at this long monologue Tanais  pulls out his fiddle hidden 
under his trenchcoat and starts to tune it for a merry jig later in 
the evening -- hoping the attention will shift from his corner of the 
bar soon and hoping Kateri will dance when he plays.
--
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| When I grow up, I want to give up being   |cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk|
| a Journalist and learn how to write...    |                          |
+-------------------------------------------+--------------------------+
|       Bisexual knitter of quality and distinction since 1992.        |
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