From: jod@maths.tcd.ie (John O'Doherty)
Subject: Hmmmmm...
Organization: Dept. of Maths, Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland.
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 18:11:07 GMT


Hmmmm... I sort of realised a pretty unpalatable fact recently. I've
spent a great deal of time, imagining to myself that no matter how bad
things are, there's at least a final way out, that can be chosen if the
time comes. It is a comfortable thought, in so far as anything can be
comfortable when your life is that much on the rocks, to know that you
control hold the joker, and can intervene on  the downward spiral in a
dramatic and lasting way. A nice thought of course is all it really is.
There are so many people who post to this group (myself included) who
have revelled in this comfortable thought, and make elaborate and
sometimes not so elaborate plans to be put into effect should the time
come. Unfortunately though, when the time eventually arrives for 
the plan to be put into action, a little hesitation sets in....
and then a little delay... and then a minor revue.... and then an
inquiry.. and before you know it there's a huge tribunal going on in
you're brain, the final result of which probably won't come out until
2057. Meanwhile you're frozen to the spot and stuck on this mortal coil.
What a pisser.....  The point I'm making is, that whatever the size of
the problems faced in this world, they have to be pretty enormous to
render suicide the easiest option. I imagine to actually achieve it
would require a complete self-brainwash with extremely self destructive
thoughts, so intense, that the life instinct doesn't get a breather, and
before you have time to think, the plan has been put into effect. Not
easy. In fact, it would require some hugely stringent self control.
The joke is, that if you're actually capable of mustering such a huge
amount of self control to do that, you'd more than certainly have the
strength to solve the problems that you had in the first place, and have
loads of strength left over! Of course, when you're depressed, you do
not perceive a problem as being something solvable, the most common
problems are rigid ones, permanent ones, usually orientated about having
a view of yourself as being some kind of lifeform a little above an
amoeba but way below the Crustaceans on the evolutionary scale....


Anyway, that's been my experience of being at the depths. 
Of course, once, the
option of suicide is no longer on the map, it makes suffering even more
poignant, as this time, there really does appear to be no way out!. I
suppose the key lies in doing some pretty hefty thinking and by attempting 
to find some genuine way out. Of course that's the difficult part, but if
you do eradicate the suicide option, and the amount of brain-power and
preoccupied time given over to it, the brain might be free to do
something helpful. By the way, this is not intended to be some kind of
positive thinking claptrap, or in anyway making a trifle of the absolutely
incredible mental anguish that can be felt during a depression, I've had
more than my fair share of it to do anything of the sort... 

Another one of my theories about why depression and angst and suicidal
thoughts exist centres around the idea that consciousness isn't a
particularly huge advantage to an organism, and the more advanced the
organism is in terms of conscious development, the more prone it is to
feelings of depression/uselessness/meaninglessness. On an evolutionary
sense then, it seems that to have an advanced level of consiousness, is
bogus! The more you think, the more you realise that the world is a
shitty place, and possibly that you are shit, and the less likely you
are to procreate! Ever wonder why so many intelligent people find it
hard to mix and get laid for example? Even those that do have normal sex
lives, probably decide never to have kids, 'cos they wouldn't inflict the
world on another generation...  

Sorry about the above paragraph ,it is too short to seem to be anything
else but bullshit,however there are a few well thought ideas contained in it
that I can elaborate on if anyone is interested, I doubt it though...

Oh well, I think I'll go off and spend some money, the fact that I don't
have any money to spend, is a minor inconvenience..

John.

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:My life is completely meaningless. When I consider   | jodohrty@unix1.tcd.ie:
:its various epochs, then my life goes like the word  |    jod@maths.tcd.ie
:Schnur in the dictionary, which means firstly a      |      
:string, and secondly a daughter-in-law. The only     |       Aaaaargh!
:thing missing is that the word Schnur in the third   |        Aaargh!
:place should mean a camel, and fourthly a dust brush.|         Argh!
:                          -S0REN		      |          Ah! 
:				KIERKEGAARD.	      |           ! 
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Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday