From: quan@sol.surv.utas.edu.au (Stephen Quan)
Subject: Re: Becoming attracted to friends
Organization: University of Tasmania, Australia.
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 02:32:56 GMT

Joseph Edward Huesman (huesmann@wam.umd.edu) writes in alt.romance :

>Hello. I'm in a little bit of a confusing situation (at least to me it is).
>I'm becoming attracted to a friend of mine.

Me too, maybe lacking sound advice but I can give you my perspective
on the situation.  My friend and I are both asian.  She's Malaysian
Chinese and I'm Australian Chinese.


>I became friends with her over the summer when she was dating one of
>my friends' roommates, and we'd all do something together often. She
>broke up with him a few months ago, but I believe she's seeing someone
>else now.

It was hard for me.  I was determined to be her friend and nothing more,
but when she broke of with her 2yr-boyfriend and had a new boyfriend, just
like that, I thought I might have a chance, also.  (Next in the queue,
mentality, I guess.)


>In the past month or so, I seem to have become attracted to her
>romantically. My dilemma is whether or not to tell her I've developed
>feelings for her and risk losing her as a friend.

I was in the same dilemma, and I took the risk.  To her, it must have seen
like her best friend had starting to act weird.  I guessed I must have
overdid it.

I told her about how I felt, and started act differently and I guess I
was not acting the same as when I was her friend.  This did give her a
shock, I guess.

Our friendship evolved into a very shaky friendship, and there was one
point we broke off absolutely.  I said I wished I never developed feelings
for her because it ended a special friendship we had.

Now, about 2 months later, we managed to slowly become friends again and
the past is the past.  As a matter of fact our original friendship is
virtually recovered, we both knew what each other had been through and more
or less started over as friends from scratch.


>Although I'm attracted to her, I don't necessarily need her to
>be anything more than my friend (I'm used to being alone...). Help!
>
>Sigh...


One thing for sure, is to take things one at a time.  I don't agree with
anybody solution which is to ask her out and, if she refuses, dump her.
Asking her out was something she had never expected from me and it strained
out friendship.

If she is that kind of a friend, perhaps you can communicate how you feel.
But remember, take things slowly.  I remember and recorded all my thoughts
into a diary and found that, when looking back.  I was thinking and feeling
emotions at 100mph.  What you need to do is to take time to reason out
exactly what you want to do, and I am sure you will find your own solution.

I don't know if any of this is any help, I know it that your problem is
real, and although it was in someways similar to mine, it will no doubt has
its own unique outcome.

I've asked for advice in this group and everyone has been quite helpful,
but one underlining understanding I got is, you find your own solution in
the end.  If it worked out, great, if it doesn't don't feel too bad, in
time you learn from the experience and there is always chance to fall in
love again.

To this day, although I would have never believed it [when we separated,
my friend and I were more or less separated for good], we are back together
as dear friends, and perhaps soon I may have the chance!

>Joe

My morals :

1. Let her know how you feel.
2. Be yourself - don't act different by your own standards.
3. Take time to communicate yourself to someone or yourself (diary?).
4. Friends last forever, relationships are not as guaranteed.

--
Stephen Quan (quan@sol.surv.utas.edu.au)      Tel : 002 202844 (local)
Research Fellow, Computer Scientist,          Fax : 002 240282 (local)
Centre for Spatial Information Systems,       Tel : 61 02 202844
University of Tasmania, Australia.            Fax : 61 02 240282