From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Subject: Forwarded Posting
Originator: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com
Reply-To: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Organization: TRW Space & Defense
Distribution: alt
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 20:00:06 GMT


=====Begin post for adria=====

Greg,
      I know what pain is about (for those of you who haven't caught
on yet, my Callisto died in Dec., hit by a car that was speeding and
went through a red light--Callisto was the first living being I had
ever loved and her sudden, painful death devastated me for months;
I am now over the worst of the pain, but it still hurts).
     Sometimes we don't have a resentment, just pain.  And some do-do
in the program will say *You're only miserable because you WANT to
be* or *You're holding on to it, let it go* or some quip about
resentments when that's not what it's about at all.
     I started experiencing emotions other than misery only a couple
of years ago--drunk and stoned and tripping from the age of 2 till
21...it took a while for the emotions to develop.  Every few months
I look back and say *wow, I thought I felt emotions THEN...*  Today
they are very strong; actually, it was Callisto's death that made
this happen.  When I was hurting so much that I couldn't get out
of bed to go to work because I was crying so much, I was going to
3-4 meetings a day because I needed it; everyone kept telling me
to forget about it and go on with my life.  They tried to force me
to believe that I didn't want to stop hurting and that it was
all my fault that I was still in pain.  I resent these stupid
people now.  I know now that to *stuff* an emotion is the wrong
thing to do--we have to to experience, we have them to open up
ourselves, we have them for a reason.  Even the negative ones.
     I prayed (even if it was to say *god damn it!  make it go
away!*) to have the pain taken away.  But just  because I thought
I was ready to have it removed doesn't always mean that it will
be; who am I to second guess a power greater than myself?  When
I was a kid I used to like to watch this church show (even though
I'm Jewish) that put on these little skits to teach lessons of
stuff that happened in both the old and new testament.  One of
these was about this Native American who came to a cathedral to
die--to have his body removed to god's country.  The entire town
and Catholic community was up in arms about it--they wanted him
OUT of there, even though this was where he'd been born, this
had been where his childhood had been spent and the Cathedral
was relatively recent...this is where his god had told him to
return to.  The church representative kept trying to get him
to tell them when he would die--but the Native American could
only say, I don't know it's not up to me.  I will die when
god is ready to take me.  He them proceeded to try to explain
to the church official the difference between our time and
god's time.  I didn't understand any of this then.
     Now I do.  I wanted the pain to go away because it hurt,
and I'm a childish human being and want anything that hurts to
go away.  Sometimes god has a reason for us to hurt and it's
not right for us to try to second guess god.  God will remove
the pain in god's time, when god determines that we are ready.
We are still very new at this whole thing and god knows better.
Like children, we want something without really knowing if it
is good for us or bad for us, or caring which...it's just what
we want.
     *stuffing* the emotions is not what it's about.  I'm sorry
you're hurting.  But in a way I'm glad that you are able to feel
the pain--I know so many, even with many years in the program,
who still can't feel anything other than selfishness, self-
importance, and egocentricism.
     The pain will go away eventually.  It won't go all at once,
it may merely diminish over time (yes, I still cry unexpectedly
about Callisto, especially when the topic of death is brought up
even only in passing).  It hurts a lot now, but if you just
accept that you have to feel miserable for a while it's easier
to live with.  I was in deep mourning for 4-5 months; it hurt
and there were times that I feared it would never end.
     But now there are times that I actually FORGET about her.
Things have to go on, life has to go on, and I'm finally not
forming my life around her anymore...for the most part...
sometimes I still do but I catch myself at it now.
     Because you are hurting, because you are able to hurt, I love
you.  And if I prayed, I'd pray for you to get the strength that
you need to go through what you have to, and to be able to get
out the other side in one piece.
     Take care.

                         ---Adria (dog@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu)
=====End post for adria=======
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
Newsgroups: alt.recovery