From: udcrusd@meaddata.com (Sylvia D'Cruz)
Subject: Report: The Ghosts of Marriage Past
Organization: Mead Data Central, Dayton OH
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 20:55:26 GMT
Distribution: soc.culture.indian

Approx: 250 lines
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                         Copyright 1992 Newsday, Inc.
                                    Newsday

                    February  1, 1992, Saturday, ALL EDITIONS

The Ghosts of Marriage Past;
Strategies to minimize the tensions between Spouse Number One and Spouse Number
Two and Spouse Number ...

By Beth Sherman. STAFF WRITER

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WHEN ROXANNE MARRIED her husband, she promised to love, honor and cherish him
for the rest of her life. But she didn't bargain for everything else. She
moved into the house he had shared with his ex-wife, who had left him for
another man. She helped raise his two children, since he had sole custody. And
she inherited the bittersweet memories, the lingering resentments and the
emotional fallout that resulted from her husband's first failed marriage.

   His ex-wife took the chairs that matched the kitchen table with her when she
left, says Roxanne, 39, who runs two gourmet food shops in the metropolitan
area. So she went out and bought four different chairs at a yard sale. "Every
time we sat down at the kitchen table," Roxanne recalls, "it was a constant
reminder of his first wife. It made me so angry."

   Ghosts from past marriages - rattling the chains of jealousy, insecurity and
resentment - can haunt even the most stable of remarriages. There are the
financial concerns facing remarried couples who may resent paying alimony and
child support to ex-spouses and stepchildren. There are the frequent comparisons
- direct, implied and imagined - to the ex-spouse, concerning who is prettier,
smarter, nicer, the better parent.

   There is the potential for bitter confrontations on holidays and birthdays,
at school plays, carpools, camp visiting days and other occasions when the
remarried couple must see the ex-spouse. And there are the endless petty
irritations, unresolved feelings and simmering fears that often arise from the
inevitable contact between a current spouse and an ex-spouse.

   More and more Americans must confront these lingering phantoms. Nearly 50
percent of the 2.4 million weddings in 1988 (the last year for which figures are
available) were remarriages for at least one of the partners, according to the
National Center for Health Statistics. In 1970, only 31.2 percent of all couples
getting married included a partner who had been married before. And while 50
percent of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce, studies show
that 60 percent of all second marriages fail.

   Men may feel resentful and jealous of an ex-wife's second husband, but women
seem to react more strongly to ghosts from previous marriages. "In this society,
women tend to be most responsible for the emotional health of the family," says
Carol Einhorn, a family therapist based in East Williston who leads support
groups at the North Shore YM / YWHA in East Hills for people who have recently
separated. "Consequently, they are the ones who wind up having to deal with many
of these issues."

   According to Donna F. Ferber, a psychotherapist based in Westport, Conn.,
it's natural for there to be some hostility between a first and second wife.
"Think about it," she says. "The first wife usually takes the position that this
guy wasn't for her, that it wasn't meant to be. But the second wife has to
take the completely opposite position in order for the marriage to work. Maybe
the two women have to be distant. Otherwise, if they get too close, one may
convince the other that she is wrong."

   Ferber says that initially the new wife may feel she's at a disadvantage. "If
you're the second wife, you're the second one to do everything with your
husband," she said. "You get the second marriage, the second honeymoon. In many
ways, it's a difficult adjustment."

   Still, there are ways to minimize the tensions between Spouse No. 1 and
Spouse No. 2. Here, a few strategies:

T HE MONEY. Family therapists agree that finances can represent a major hurdle
in the relationship between the ex-spouse and the current spouse. "If you're a
second wife, you tend to wonder why all this money is leaving your
relationship," says Einhorn. "You think: 'Why am I struggling to pay our bills
when his children are in fancy private schools and his ex-wife is getting her
house renovated.' "

   One way to ease the bitterness is for the husband to handle all financial
transactions with his ex-wife and to keep a separate checking account for money
going toward alimony and child support.

   Another option is for the remarried couple to sit down with financial
statements, projected earnings (and possibly an accountant) and talk openly
about what they can and can't afford. "Do some family planning," says Einhorn.
"Decide whether the priority is going to be for you and your husband to take a
three-week vacation or whether it's going to be to send his kids to camp."

   Experts say when doing financial planning it's helpful to get an idea of the
big, long-range financial picture. If a second wife knows, for instance, that
she and her husband are going to have to pay for his daughter's Sweet 16
birthday bash next year, it can be easier to cope with the news in advance,
rather than having the cost of the party sprung on her suddenly. Since
unexpected expenses are often unsettling, a second wife may want to look at a
copy of her husband's divorce agreement with his ex-wife so she has a clear idea
of his financial obligations. Knowing exactly what her husband is legally
responsible for economically helps dispel the fantasy that the ex-wife is taking
advantage and raking in money haphazardly.

   If the second wife works and contributes financially to the marriage, she can
expect to be consulted about major expenses concerning her step-children and to
have a say in how her earnings will be spent. If she doesn't work, she's in a
more vulnerable position, since she lacks economic clout and may be locked out
of major financial decisions. "In that case," says Ferber, "her husband needs
to be especially sensitive to the new wife's feelings and should try to keep her
informed about what's happening financially."

   THE MEMORIES. No matter how strong the second marriage is, the new spouse may
still feel like an interloper. "There's the feeling that the first wife is the
real wife, and the second wife is just living there. But a lot of this may be
self-generated," says Jocelyn Regina, author of "Wife-in-Law! Your Ex-Husband
Married Her or Your Present Husband Divorced Her!" (Bereny Bear, $ 14.95.)

   To ward off these feelings, stop and consider what's really going on. "Ask
yourself if your spouse is really expressing lingering affection for his ex or
if it's just upsetting for you to think of him being intimate with someone
else," says Louis H. Janda, a psychologist and the co-author of "The Second Time
Around: Why Some Second Marriages Fail While Others Succeed," (Lyle Stuart, $
17.95). "If he tells you he likes his ex-wife's lasagna, it doesn't mean he
wants to get back together with her."

   Ferber recommends establishing new traditions on holidays and planning new
vacations together. She also suggests that the remarried couple move to a new
house rather than settling into either spouse's old home. If that's not
economically feasible, she recommends buying a new bed.

   Even though a second wife may be comfortable and fairly well established in
her new marriage, another ghost in the relationship could be his family. His
parents, sisters and brothers may still maintain close ties with his previous
wife. After all, they didn't divorce his ex; he did. And they may aggravate his
new wife by singing the ex-wife's praises or simply giving the second wife
updates on her life.

   "It's like going into a new job and hearing about how terrific your
predecessor was," says Regina. "What should you do? Don't argue. Don't knock
her. Just listen politely and change the subject. Hopefully, in time, they will
get to know you, like you and appreciate your good qualities. Your marriage will
be the focal point, not his first marriage."

   Children can hit a similar nerve when they talk about how wonderful their
mother is and seem to delight in pointing out the second wife's shortcomings.
"Your stepchildren may be concerned that you are taking their father away from
them, so they want to tell you how terrific their real mother is, what a nice
person she is. Remember that they may be feeling scared and confused. As the
adult, you need to show them some understanding and consideration."

   THE COMPARISONS.  Accept the fact that there may be big differences between
your style of parenting and that favored by the ex-spouse. Roxanne, for
instance, is much stricter with her stepchildren than their biological mother
is. "I'm more of a disciplinarian," she says. "I tried to get them to sit down
at the dinner table with us, and they'd say their mother let them eat in the
family room while they watched TV. There were a lot of battles."

   Psychologists say you can ease the acrimony by not using your stepchildren as
pawns, by not insisting you know everything about the ex-spouse, by not
referring to the ex-spouse in arguments and by giving the relationship time to
heal.

   "People expect these feelings to disappear right away, but it could take up
to five years," says Einhorn, "Or it could take longer depending upon the
emotional baggage carried over from the first marriage."

   Finally, ask yourself whether your husband might be deliberately fueling
hostilities between you and his ex-wife in order to decrease intimacy between
the two of you. "Consider whether he may be playing the
she's-a-hard-act-to-follow game with you by pointing out all of his ex-wife's
attributes. Then ask yourself - and him - if she's so terrific, why did he leave
her?"

   Though it may be difficult, experts encourage second wives to see the
ex-spouse's point of view. "Her behavior may come across as hostile, when she's
really just scared," says Regina. "Maybe she's afraid of being alone, of not
having enough money to survive."

REMEMBER THAT despite the flare-ups and hostilities between first and second
wives, there is hope for a cease-fire. In fact, some women are actually close to
their husbands' ex-wives. Arlette Greenfield Sieger, for instance, considers her
husband's previous wife, Nancy, to be a friend. "I never had any reason not to
get along with her," says Sieger, 41, a free-lance makeup artist who lives in
Port Washington. "She's a lovely woman. Sweet. Friendly. Bright."

   Sieger says she was able to befriend Nancy because she didn't think of the
other woman as a threat. "I love my husband, and I'm secure in my marriage," she
says, "secure enough to respect his friendship with Nancy and to want her to be
my friend, too."

She Can't Drop The Insecurities

SO HERE'S the story of a lovely lady with four kids who meets a terrific guy
with four kids of his own. She's twice divorced. So is he. They meet at an event
sponsored by Parents Without Partners. They fall in love. They marry.

   It's the Brady Bunch of the 1990s. Right?

   Wrong.

   "I have twinges of jealousy and insecurity, especially when he talks about
where he went with his second wife and what they did together," says Victoria,
the 48-year-old social worker who lives on the North Shore of Long Island and
isn't exactly in sync with the carefree-stepmom image Florence Henderson
projected on television. "He tries to reassure me. He says we have so much more
in common than they did, we have such a better relationship. I say: 'Yeah, but
you had fifteen years with this woman. Don't tell me she's nothing to you!' "

   Some of the things that irritate her are seemingly minor incidents that try
her patience and bring her emotions to a boil. There was the time she and her
husband attended a music concert for his daughter, and he wanted to sit next to
his ex-wife in the auditorium. "I went crazy," she recalled. "I grabbed his hand
and pulled him away, and we ended up sitting someplace else. I felt so
uncomfortable, so awkward. He asked why I was making such a big deal out of it."

   There was the day he was showing her slides of a trip he took to Montreal,
and there, in the middle of the photos, was a picture of his ex. She asked him
to remove it. He did.

   There are the weekends she spends with her stepchildren when she notices that
her stepson has the same eyes as her husband's second wife, that her
stepdaughter looks exactly like the woman. "He had two children with this
woman," says Victoria sadly. "He'll never have children with me."

   She has been married to her husband for a little over a year but is
constantly comparing herself to her husband's ex-wife - creating a mental
scorecard of her own assets. "I'm ten years older than she is," says Victoria.
"But I'm prettier than she is. I'm smarter. I cook; she doesn't."

   Sometimes she even feels jealous of her husband's first wife, who lives in
Florida and divorced him when he was in his late 20s. "She was the one he came
home to when he was in Vietnam," says Victoria. "He shared a whole part of his
life that I can never share."

   And she's resigned to the fact that while these feelings may subside with
time, they may never disappear entirely. "I love my husband very much," she
says. "It's wonderful to have found the kind of love I always wanted. But I
can't control his mind, and I can't erase the past.

   "He denies thinking about anyone but me," she continues. "He tells me to stop
worrying, that I'm his only priority. But it's just so hard to get over the
insecurities. I can't help feeling that she's still a big part of our life."
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Sylvia D. D'Cruz                                
Mead Data Central                               Systems & Product Technology
Bldg. VI, 9595 Springboro Pike                          udcrusd@meaddata.com
Miamisburg, Ohio 45342                                        (513) 865-6800   
                                               
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