From: an4835@anon.penet.fi
Subject: No Subject
Organization: Anonymous contact service
X-Anonymously-To: soc.women
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 18:27:00 GMT

Pls note that this is not an indictment of my spouse but basically a cry for
help so that I can deal with this and steer our relationshipto a healthier  
base. Indeed, the fault lies mainly with me that I am and have been somewhat
meek, timid and overly afraid of displeasing her at any cost. I am thru this
forum inviting assistance that will help me to be less afraid of being honest.
 
Brief background: We are both immigrants. I am the wage-earner, my spouse home- 
maker. We have 1 toddler and would like to have another soon. Financially, we 
are ok and in good physical health etc. I was raised in a poor but loving famly 
and my spouse was beaten and yelled at by the parents till she was 20. We are 
6 years apart, with me now in my early 30's.we both hold graduate degrees
 
Problem Examples (Too numerous and painful to list them all):
* Repeated mention of how she dislikes my sister intensely. Sister does NOT       
  live with us and in fairness can be annoying at times but we visit her or she
  us less than once a month for 2-3 hours.
* Unreliable : When we agree that simple tasks such as mailing the bills etc 
 are to be done by her, she frequently forgets and then it is either that this
  agreement never existed or else she just says "Sorry" and it repeats again. 
* Arrogant: Despite my repeated outbursts, throwing trash from our moving
  car; Telling neighbours that they can't take fruit from our backyard even
  if we don't need it and is going to rot; Getting _very_ upset when the
  child or myself somehow do not give her freedom to watch her TV programs;
  Refusing to wear a watch or making specific plans about chores by saying
  that she does not wish to live that way; Getting angry with the child for
  doing things that are beyond control, developmentally speaking. etc.
* Unsupportive: Lack of respect for my schedule, work pressures, etc. as
  well as my normal sexual needs. If I write to my relatives in our native
  country more than once a month, it is considered too frequent and even
  2% of my pay if I send it to my parents, to help them with living expense
  has to be approved. My objectivity and support - writing to her siblings
  sending them gifts, inviting her friends over etc - is taken for granted
* Possessive : No babysitters even in her presence, just to give her relief
  I cannot purchase without pre-approval but she can. Listens in on phone
  conversations with my parents overseas and my sister.
* Casual Lying: V. fluently even if it is really not necessary. Not so much
  to me but to others. Examples include taking restaurant cooked food taken
  to a party as home-made or about a fake illness when someone asks how
  everything is.Many other examples abound.
* Name calling: Calling me and others whatever that comes to mind and later
  saying "sorry' as a master password to erase all without acknowledging.
  When I go home at lunch, a rare event, to see the child and my spouse,
  sometimes despite agreement, they are away shopping etc. If I say that
  this was not per agreement, I am called "Chauvanistic" and "typical".

CONCLUSION:
 All said and done, I do LOVE my family and will live and die for them.
 Counsellor I talked with was very useless; Friends only cause complications
 Parents recommend that I pray to the Almighty;
 Now I await your thoughts, suggestions and, yes, constructive criticism,
 to deal with this situation. Thanks sooo much, sincerely.
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Newsgroups: soc.women