From: jack@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk (Jack Campin)
Newsgroups: rec.music.folk
Subject: Re: 5 minute hamlet - poor hamlet
Date: 25 Jan 93 18:09:04 GMT
Reply-To: jack@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk (Jack Campin)
Organization: COMANDOS Project, Glesga Yoonie

Here's another one.  I don't know where this first appeared...

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                        THE SKINHEAD HAMLET

                           Richard Curtis

            Shakespeare's play translated into modern English

            Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of
            the New English Bible - Eds.


                Act I Scene I

The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST:      Oi! Mush!
HAMLET:     Yer?
GHOST:      I was fucked!
            (Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET:     O fuck.
            (Exit HAMLET.)

                Act I Scene II

The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS:   Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET:     Fuck off, won't you?
            (Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET (Alone): They could have fucking waited.
            (Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO:    Oi! Watcha cock!
HAMLET:     Weeeeey!
            (Exeunt.)


                Act I Scene III

Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES:    I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one
            while I'm gone.
OPHELIA:    I'll be fucked if he does.
            (Exeunt.)


                Act I Scene IV

The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.
GHOST:      Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET:     Who did it then?
GHOST:      That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in
            my fucking ear!
HAMLET:     Fuck me!
            (Exeunt.)


                Act II Scene I

A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS:   Oi! You!
HAMLET:     Fuck off, grandad!
            (Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
R & G:      Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET:     Fuck off, the pair of you!
            (Exit ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
HAMLET (Alone): To fuck or to be fucked.
            (Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA:    My Lord!
HAMLET:     Fuck off to a nunnery!
            (They exit in different directions.)


                Act III Scene I

The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER:   Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS:   I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
            (Exeunt.)


                Act III Scene II

Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET:     Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE:   Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS (From behind the curtain): Too right.
HAMLET:     Who the fuck was that?
            (He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLONIUS:   Fuck!
HAMLET:     Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
            (Exeunt.)


                Act IV Scene I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS:   Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET:     Delighted, mush.


                Act IV Scene II

The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA:    Here, cop a wack of this.
            (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS:   She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE (Looking out the window): There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS:   Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE:   Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS:   Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
            (Exeunt.)


                Act IV Scene III

A Corridor.
LAERTES (Alone): I'm going to fucking do this lot.
            (Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS:   I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES:    Well, fuck him.


                Act V Scene I

Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET:     I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and
            you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
            (Exeunt.)


                Act V Scene II

Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES:    Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET:     Delighted, fuckface.
            (They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES:    Fuck!
HAMLET:     Fuck!
            (The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE:   Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS:   You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat): Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS:   I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES:    Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET:     Yer.
            (LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET:     Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO:    Yer?
HAMLET:     I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
            (HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO:    Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
            (Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO:    A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO:    Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO:    Fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
            (Exeunt with alarums.)

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-- 
--  Jack Campin    room G092, Computing Science Department, Glasgow University,
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