From: wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu (William F. Garrett)
Subject: Silly Magic Items
Summary: Humourous Magic Items, Part 1 of 3
Keywords: silly magic items
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 14:46:01 GMT

A short while ago, I made mention of Silly Magic Items.  Well, folks,
here's my list.  I've broken it into three parts (this is 1 of 3) for
easier consumption.

Author's note: This article comprises the original work of myself and
a few friends (most notably M. Kraizman).  Please feel free to distribute
it, but do not represent it as someone else's work.

				- The Wizard

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The Magic Items that TSR Forgot
by Bill Garrett


Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for
the past 13 years?  Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-
fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items.  Drop
one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.


Mace of Disruption

This item appears to be a normal mace +1 and is usable only by spell
casters, but is laiden with a curse that does not become apparent
until the possessor tries to cast a spell.  At this point, the mace
will loudly yell "Hey, you!" and will begin to spout off insults at
the wielder so as to break up the caster's concentration and hence
ruin the spell.


Wand of Blunder

This wand looks like the lower leg bone of a large dog and will
radiate a strong dweomer of the Silly type if a detect magic spell is
cast.  Every use expends one charge and produces one of the following
results: (roll d12)

1)	Severs user's hand
2)	Causes target to lose all body hair
3)	Performs Create Water, over user's head
4)	Creates massive stench, causing all party members to retch for one round (save vs. poison allowed)
5)	Banner shoots out from end of wand, proclaiming "BANG!"
6)	Target shrinks to 1/10 normal height
7)	Target grows to 10 times normal size
8)	Wand disappears permanently (Hurrah!)
9)	Gates in either a cockroach (50%) or a mouse (50%)
10)	Conjures a lightbulb, which appears over user's head, accompanied by the "ding" of a bell
11)	Launches 100 moldy bagels at target.
12)	Destroys entire multiverse.  Game over.


Potion of Surrealness

The imbiber of this potion will quickly lose all interest in what
others perceive as "reality".  He/she will instead ponder such
questions as "Why don't orcs come with blue and purple bathroom
fixtures?"


Clotheshamper of Endless Laundry

This large container will always have a plentiful supply of raiment
available.  Unfortunately, it will always be dirty, smelly, of the
wrong color, and it won't quite fit the person who wants it.


Libram of Literacy

By reading this complex book cover to cover, one who is currently
illiterate will learn how to read.


Gauntlet of Eternal Masturbation

Strongly resembles a beneficial magical item such as Gauntlets of Ogre
Power or Gauntlets of Dexterity.  Once this gauntlet is put on, it can
only be removed by a Remove Curse or Wish spell.


Prophylactic of Protection

Prevents pregnancies (90%) and confers upon its wearer 90% immunity to
sexually-transmitted diseases.


Sword, Nerf

Are you the non-violent type?  Do you want to set an example that's
OK for the kids to try at home?  Or are you just tired of stabbing
yourself?  If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this is
the weapon for you.  Note that this sword is usable by Priests as it
is not a slashing or piercing weapon.


Ion Stones

These spherical magical items come in two types; one is marked with
"-" glyphs; the other bears some number of "+" sigils.  The exact
number of markings indicates the strength of the Ion.  Stones of
opposite types attract until they form a group of Stones with an equal
number of "+" and "-" runes.  Ion stones are customarily found in such
groups.

--- End Part 1 of 3 ---

-- 
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| Bill Garrett                                       Cornell University |
| wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu                Department of Computer Science |
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Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd