From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
Subject: Re: late at night
Organization: Claremont Shelter for Maladjusted Singers
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 18:58:54 GMT

In article <BtxvB8.FwF@twwells.com> anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes:
>
>-longish post to follow-
>
>hi
>
>it's early in the morning and i'm scared....
>i'm really sad again...and very confused.  I want to call someone to
>talk but i don't want to bother anyone. i've been lurking for
>awhile..just watching, testing if you will. i don't know what i'll say,
>and i don't know if ya'll want to hear but i hope you will.

I hope you'll be able to believe me when I tell you that you're not
bothering us by posting here -- it's what we're here for.  We all spill our
pain, and we all try to help each other to the best of our ability.  I'm
glad that you've found us.

>            *********General Confusion**************

Oh, can I *ever* relate to that! ;-)

>I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
>but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
>then there would be no turning back.
>What if i'm wrong

There's no "right" time to write (or not write, for that matter) your
individual experiences.  I first recognized the effects of what happened to
me about 2.5 years ago, and I've been actively working on my healing for
about 10 months, and I *still* haven't written down (or told anyone) the
specifics of what happened to me in all its gory detail (or at least as much
as I remember).  One nice thing about healing is that *you* get to set the
rules about what you want to do, based on what you're comfortable with.

What if you're wrong?  If you're really concerned about that but you still
feel the need to write about your experiences, write them down and don't
show them to anyone -- for me at least, it's the act of writing and
recognizing what happened that matters, not the showing to/telling anyone
else.  You can break your silence by acknowledging what happened to
yourself; if you decide that you want to share it with another person,
that's great, but you get to do it at your own pace.  The sad thing is that
you're probably *not* wrong -- and it's *not* a disaster if you are.  No one
here will hold it against you.

>Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. 

Cloister Bell is absolutely right -- *whyever* *would* we make up such
things?  There's no reason that any of us would put ourselves through such
pain for no reason.  I believe you.

>i don't want to use my name cause you might know me, or them. Some people
>can't know things, they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You
>don't talk outside the family...you never go against the family.....you
>don't shame the family

And that is how our abusers keep us silent and in subjugation -- they
manipulate us and brainwash us into protecting *them* instead of ourselves.

>Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
>they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
>and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
>break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?

I wanted to cry when I read this, because it told me that I'm not alone in
feeling like that.  I understand that *completely*.  Early on in this
process, I realized that I couldn't even remember what I looked like as a
child, so I asked my mother to send me as many photos of myself as a girl as
she could.  When I got them and went through them, I came upon one of me at
16 in my senior prom dress, and my first thought on seeing it was "my god,
that girl is beautiful!" -- followed almost immediately by the realization
that that girl was *me*!  It was a revelation.... 

>I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
>want to be good but i can't. I have thoughts and then the memories come
>back and i remember how gross i am. 

You are *not* dirty and vile and disgusting -- that's the trip that your
abuser(s) laid on you to ensure that you would keep their secret.  *Your
abuser* is the one who is dirty and vile and disgusting.  You were an
innocent child (no matter how old you were when the abuse took place), and
your abuser took advantage of that innocence.

>I am a child....in some ways. A little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't
>ready when it happened, does this make sence? 

It makes total and complete sense.  I ache for you....

>The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last year.  I admit that i
>most likely brought it on myself(even though i know i'm ot supposed to say
>that) 

The reason that you're not supposed to say that is that IT'S NOT TRUE!!  No
one EVER brings on their own rape -- that's another myth that's far too
widely used as justification for an action that is absolutely unjustifiable.

>But the thing is that i'd never really had a boyfriend. I don't know what's
>supposed to happen. You have to do whatever he says right? 

No, you *don't* have to -- and if he tries to tell you that you do ("if you
really loved me, you would" -- grrrrr!), you're perfectly justified in
saying "no!" and getting out of the situation in any way that you have to.

>he knew i didn't understand, that i needed to be taught. he taught me how
>to hate myself even more than i already did. He taught me how to hate sex,
>even the idea of it, and he taught me how to be afraid of people. Maybe i
>shouldn't blame only him. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back.
>i don't know. 

On reading this, my gut reaction was to want to get my hands on this guy and
choke the life out of him -- slowly.

>Now i'm still a child, a 19 year old child who want's to be loved. But i
>think that anyone who wants me wants me only for my body..therefore it is
>rare that i really let anyone inside. Whenever i do they seem to hurt me
>bad, therefore i don't do it much anymore. 

We all want to be loved -- and we all deserve to be.  It's not the same as
having someone to hold you and comfort you when you cry, but I think that
you will find a lot of love here.  Since all that we can know of you is what
you put on the screen, you can rest assured that we don't want you only for
your body.  As for letting anyone inside, it's scary and hard to do when
you're hurting.  Give yourself time; don't feel that you *have* to give any
more of yourself to anyone than you feel comfortable doing, and there's no
"right" pace for doing so.

>I'm lonely.

I know, and I *wish* I could help.

>i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
>i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
>someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
>direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now

Most (if not all) of us have times when we don't know which way is up.  I
wouldn't *dream* of rejecting you, for that or any other reason.

I see that you've got anon-email turned on.  I'll email this to you also to
be sure that you see it, and because I can't remember my anon-email
address.  If you ever have anything you'd like to discuss in email, please
don't hesitate to do so, either at my anon address or directly at
uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu.

Please try to be kind to yourself -- you deserve it!

					Lydia

"You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
 You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			"From Me to You", Janis Ian
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| Soprano (Lydia M. Uribe)                      uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu |
| Claremont, CA                                  uribe@hmcvax.claremont.edu |
|           Cats, quilts and diving -- what more could anyone ask?          |
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