From: jewell@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Larry Jewell)
Subject: 'NamVet Newsletter, Vol.4, no.11 (5/6)
Organization: Purdue University
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1992 21:05:16 GMT

                                        Signature            Date
     
     ---------------------.             
     FOR OFFICE USE       :            
                          :             Please list the names and
     DATE REC'D           :             addresses of any other women
                          :             Vietnam era veterans you know
     TRANSFER:            :             on the back of this form.
                          :             
     ENTER:               :              
                          :
                          :             Thank you for participating in
     COMMENTS             :             "SISTER SEARCH"
                          :
     ---------------------'
     










     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 60
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

          14 years after marriage, war comes back to haunt couple
                             By: Laura Palmer
                           9/30/90 El Paso Times
                           Input by: Joyce Flory
                NamVet's Incarcerated Veterans Section Editor
                    Desert Dolphin BBS - Las Cruces, NM
                              (505) 523-2811
     
     Debbi  Miller's GI pen pal was stationed in Vietnam.  His name was   
     John McCallops, and they met when he came home, in July 1971.  Two 
     years  later,  the  storybook romance became a  happily-ever-after 
     marriage.
     
     John  never mentioned Vietnam.  He had a steady job,  no  problems 
     with alcohol or drugs, and was devoted to their two children.  But 
     then,  inexplicably,  after  14   years,  the atmosphere in  their 
     Attleboro, Mass., home changed.
     
     "Our  marriage was in trouble.  His temper was getting really hot. 
     He never became abusive, but he and the kids would fight a lot. It 
     felt like my constant job was to referee."
     
     They sought help.
     
     "We went for family counseling and they told us,  after a year and 
     a half, that we were wasting our time, " Debbi says.  "We had them 
     completely baffled. They didn't know what was going on.
     
     "Vietnam  never  came up.  It never occurred to  us.  Your  normal 
     thought would be if Vietnam is the cause of your problems it would 
     come up right away, not 12 or 14 tears down the line."
     
     But Vietnam was to blame, they realized,  after talking with other 
     veterans  and  their  wives.  John founded the  Greater  Attleboro 
     Vietnam  Veterans Association and gradually was able to understand 
     his past.  Debbi joined a support group for wives and learned that 
     her husband's violent outbursts were because of Vietnam." It was a 
     mild form of post traumatic stress disorder. Suddenly,  everything 
     began to make sense."
     
     She  refers to her support group as "The Cracker Factory"  because 
     "it's  nice  to  know  there are people  who  don't  think  you're 
     crackers  for staying.  Somebody who is not married to one  thinks  
     the  guys  are  loons,  but  they're not.  The only  one  who  can 
     understand a Vietnam veteran's wife is another vet's wife."
     
     Debbi  believes  in the power of wives helping each other so  much 
     that  she  and  a priest who was a combat veteran in  Vietnam  co-
     founded a hot line for Vietnam wives. It's not therapy,  it's more 
     like  a  first  step -  a number to dial to find out you  are  not 
     alone.
     
     To reach the hot line,  call (508)  222-7313,  or write to Vietnam 
     Veterans' Wives Hotline, P.O.Box 538, Attleboro, Mass. 02703-5195. 
     




     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 61
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990



     =================================================================
                     D o n ' t   A b a n d o n   ' e m
     =================================================================

                         Silence and Empty Cells?
                              By: Joyce Flory
               NamVet's Incarcerated Veterans Section Editor
                    Desert Dolphin BBS - Las Cruces, NM
                              (505) 523-2811
     
       Here's  me,  checking in with the latest update from "my  guys", 
     the incarcerated Vietnam Vets. 
       I've  had  some disappointments over the last couple of  months, 
     with  my  form  letters  being returned from  San  Quentin  Ca.  , 
     Delaware CCR,  LaGrange Ky,  and no response from 21 other prisons 
     across  the country.  Hopefully I'll hear something from those  21 
     soon. Sadly,  most of the returned envelopes said "No such person" 
     or  "No  such organization",  meaning the VVA unit there has  been 
     disbanded.
      On the brighter side,  I have made contact with Rutledge Ga.  and 
     Jackson,  Mich.   The updated addresses should be in this issue of 
     NamVet or the anniversary issue.
      I've  also gotten a huge listing from Westville Ind.  (140 names) 
     but  can  not  list  them at this time,  as  the  inmates  haven't 
     approved  my  use of their names.   Never fear..  my letter to  an 
     inmate,  along  with  the list is on it's way for approval and  if 
     that  inmate doesn't answer,  I'll send it all to the next one  on 
     the list, until I get a reply.
      I  have  found an ally at Terre Haute Ind.  that is looking  into 
     gathering a list from there.
      Word from "my guys" in Colo., Mass., Va.,  and Penn.  is that all 
     is  well and even looking up.  Transfers to less secure facilities 
     more  privileges are abounding.  I send the newsletter on disc  to 
     Va. and Penn., with the hopes of doing so for Mass.  in the future 
     and an inquiry into doing the same for Ga. and Mich.
       In  closing let me add that the inmates STILL want pen-pals  and 
     are  disappointed  when  I  give them a ray  of  hope  that's  not 
     followed  up  by you folks out there.  As always,  if  there's  an 
     avenue  you  think I'm not following,  please let me know via  the 
     Vietnam_Vet echo, 305/105, or 1825 Evelyn Las Cruces  N.M. 88001.
       
                                Later,
     
                                     Joyce
     














     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 62
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

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     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 63
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990



     =================================================================
                       H e a r t s   n '   M i n d s
     =================================================================

                        War just isn't a cool topic
                               By Mike Royko
                      The Berkshire Eagle - 10/17/90
     
                         Input by: G. Joseph Peck
                         NamVet's Managing Editor
                        VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA
                              (413) 443-6313
     
     CHICAGO --  "You know what's great about American's?"  asked Slats 
     Grobnik.  "We're so cool, that's what."
       "What prompts that proud observation?"
       "Well, just listen to what people are talking about."
       Such as?
       "They're  talking  about who's winning the football  games,  the 
     baseball  games,  how their cars are running,  what the  weather's 
     like, how much sump'n costs.
     
       "Because if you listen to people,  you wouldn't have a hint that 
     we're  gettin'  closer and closer to a real war.   A lot of people 
     are  going  to get killed.   But do you hear people talking  about 
     that?  Nah.  We sort of say, 'Hey, what me worry?'"
          Oh,  I'm  sure  people are concerned.   They're aware of  the 
     growing tensions in the Middle East.
       "Yeah?   But  are they really aware?   Or do they think this  is 
     just  another  made-for-TV  crisis  where we put  up  some  yellow 
     ribbons  for  hostages,  then the whole thing kind of fades  away?  
     You  think  people  really know that when this  thing  gets  going 
     there's  probably going to be thousands of American troops getting 
     killed?"
       Well, there is still the possibility that it could be averted.
       Saddam  Hussein  could withdraw from Kuwait as we're  demanding.  
     Or  maybe  our blockade will be effective.   Deprived of food  and 
     other necessities, he'll have to be reasonable.
       "That sounds good, except they can grow enough food to scrape by 
     for  a  long time.   And there's ways stuff can be smuggled in  to 
     them.  You know how long the blockade would have to last?  Some of 
     the GIs over there would have gray hair."
       Then   we   might  have  to  negotiate  a  settlement  that   is 
     satisfactory to both sides.
       "Like  what?   President Bush says we won't settle for  anything 
     except  getting  Kuwait  back.   And Hussein says he  ain't  never 
     giving it back."
       Maybe Bush will change his mind.
       "No way.   Remember when people said Bush was a wimp?   Now he's 
     acting like a tough guy and you can tell that he likes it.  But if 
     he  pulls out,  Hussein wins.   Or if he just lets the troops  sit 
     there for the next year or two or three,  Hussein still wins.   So 
     people  are going to start saying Bush is a wimp again.   And he's 
     like every other president,  worrying about what the history books 
     will say about him."
       Assuming you're right,  that conflict is inevitable,  then maybe 
     we  can end it quickly with those quick,  surgical air strikes the 
     experts talk about.
       "Bull.   You  don't win wars with any air strikes that are quick 
     
     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 64
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

     and surgical.  This ain't like taking out tonsils, you know."
       But we have air superiority.
       "Yeah,  we had all kinds of air superiority in Vietnam.   We had 
     air  superiority in Korea.   And before we landed at Normandy,  we 
     had  air  superiority  over Europe.   But where  were  those  wars 
     fought?  Right down on the ground.  Because that's where you fight 
     wars.  The only time air superiority ended a war was when we nuked 
     Japan."
       Well, there are those who say we should consider . . .
       "We should consider what?  Nuking Irag?"
       I've heard readers say it.
       "Then  refer 'em to a shrink.   We nuke Iraq and every Moslem in 
     the world is crazy mad at us.   And the rest of the world will say 
     we're  creeps.   And Bush goes down in history in the same chapter 
     as Attila or Dracula.  Yeah,  we'd look good.   I can read it now:  
     "The  United States,  to preserve stability in the Middle East and 
     protect its national interests, nuked Iraq,  killing a few million 
     innocent men, women and children.'  Hooray for our side."
     
       You paint a very bleak picture.
       "Hey, don't worry.  Be cool like everybody else.  Just say: Hey, 
     the  president knows what he's doing or he wouldn't be  president.  
     And  let's all call the local talk show guy on the radio so we can 
     fax a cheery message to the boys over there.   And,  remember,  if 
     all hell breaks loose, this country has got a big supply of yellow 
     ribbons.  Besides, the timing looks good."
       What timing?
       "The experts say the shooting won't start for a few months."
       Why is that good?
       "It  won't screw up the playoffs,  the World Series or the Super 
     Bowl."
       That's a relief.
       "See?  You're learning to be cool."
       Or stupid.
       "Either way, it works."
     























     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 65
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

                         REFLECTING
                   By: Michael A. Harris
                     Republic of Vietnam
                          1968-69
     
            My childhood days seemed so very full.
            Running and playing, no care at all.
            The days were so active, there was no lull.
            Soon it was school,in the early fall.
     
            It was so fun to learn with each new day.
            "Dick,Jane, and Spot", was read out loud.
            I was taught to pledge, the American way.
            As the years flew by, I became very proud.
     
            Then there were girls, and the noontime dance.
            Emotions went wild, when one of them cared.
            My heart would melt, with the slightest glance.
            I'd often feel, that we should be paired.
     
            Then off to high school, and a brand new game.
            Crewcuts, madras shirts, and pegged blue jeans.
            I was popular due to my football fame.
            Boy was it cool, to be in my teens.
     
            Graduation came, and soon I was out.
            The next step was college, and a degree.
            Rumors of war, were wandering about.
            How could it be, in the land of the free?
     
            At once I was faced, with making the grade.
            The pressure was strong, I couldn't perform.
            In the Navy I thought, "I'll have it made!".
            Just sail the sea's, and weather the storm.
     
            Then came a sudden, change of heart.
            Patriotism arose, like a sleeping lamb.
            Suddenly I wanted, to fulfil my part.
            Next stop in my life, would be Vietnam.
     
            Such an adventure, for a very young man.
            From backwoods and innocence, to the real war.
            Meals came to often, from a C-ration can.
            It was an experience, to lay with a whore.
     
            I had the attitude, that I would never die.
            That all changed, with my first firefight!
            My machinegun roared death, I wanted to cry.
            It was pitch black, where was the light?
     
            Again and again, we were hit that eve.
            For a kid from the country, it seemed so strange.
            I couldn't have imagined, I wanted to leave.
            How soon would it be, til we were out of range?
     
            Finally the guns, were silenced at last.
            How had I performed, under such stress?
            We had dead and wounded, I was aghast!
            How did I end up, in such a mess?
     
     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 66
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

     
            Again and again, we were attacked that year.
            While trying to survive, I wondered "Why?".
            Growing ever hard, I couldn't shed a tear.
            I counted the days, til I could say "Goodbye!".
     
            That day finally came, after much blood and sweat.
            All I could think of, was fleeing that land.
            I thought of our lost, and silently wept.
            While seeing visions, of a big brass band!
     
            No one was there, as my "Freedom Bird" arrived.
            Who are those people, with all of the signs?
            Don't they know, we have just survived?
            I could hardly identify, with the changing times.
     
            In the years that followed, I became so bitter.
            It was impossible, to pledge allegiance again.
            I performed my job, and never was a quitter.
            Our hands were tied, we weren't allowed to win.
     
            That is ok, the wounds are slowly healing.
            Wars come and go, they seem to be a must.
            I've found my Lord, and He's very appealing.
            I'm beginning to see, in Him I can trust!
     
            So I continue on, in this world each day.
            Reflecting upon, those days of old.
            Anxious to grow, as I commune and pray.
            Releasing the "old man", and grasping His gold!
     
            For so many years, I had ignored His call.
            Now I have accepted, and received His peace.
            It is so wonderful, to give Him my all.
            He allows the battle, to finally cease.
     
            As I come across, my comrades and brothers.
            The reunions are grand, I can share my fate.
            We have more in common, than many, many, others.
            My prayer is that we meet, at that Pearly Gate!
     


















     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 67
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

                     The War No One Wants to Remember
                   CONNECTIONS to a new age - Nov. 1990
                    PO Box 368 - Slingerlands, NY 12159
                         Input By: G. Joseph Peck
                         NamVet's Managing Editor
                  VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, Massachusetts
                              (413) 443-6313
     
                      Lazaris Talks with Vietnam Vets
       
       Ellie  Hoffman first noticed him just hanging around,  lingering 
     outside her Silverdale,  Washington,  bookstore called Life Styles 
     as  though  he were waiting for someone or something.   He  waited 
     until there were no customers in the store, and when they had gone 
     she saw him checking doors and windows.   He was ragged and dirty, 
     and she might have felt afraid but didn't: For some reason he felt 
     safe.   Apparently  satisfied  that all the people were  gone,  he 
     walked  into  Life  Styles and asked if he could  rent  a  Lazaris 
     video.  Ellie said yes,  and he went away with Awakening the Love.  
     He cam back intermittently.  Always the same:  He came in worn-out 
     clothing,  looked as if he lived in the woods,  and rented Lazaris 
     video tapes.
       After  a  while Ellie was able to talk to him,  and he told  her 
     that he did live out in the woods, alone,  and he was the only one 
     of his group who had a VCR and a TV.  He was,  he said,  one of 20 
     or  so  Viet  Nam Veterans who lived in  the  wilderness,  men  so 
     emotionally and mentally battered and shattered by the War, and by 
     the  treatment they had received on returning home,  that they had 
     retreated.   They had been living in the wilds of Washington state 
     for  years,  a loose community of loners,  coming into a town only 
     when  necessary,  wrestling  with nightmares and the fear as  best 
     they could.
       He  told  her  that they got together around his VCR  on  Friday 
     nights and watched Lazaris.   After the first time,  he said,  the 
     room  was filled with a wonderful peace and stillness.   They were 
     deeply  touched  by Lazaris.   After 15 years of not allowing  any 
     emotion, they had begun to feel again - and had begun to feel that 
     they were okay.  Word had gone out across the countryside to other 
     Vets, and now there were some who travelled many miles to join the 
     Silverdale men to watch Lazaris tapes.
       Ellie  Hoffman called Concept:  Synergy and told them about  the 
     men,  and  Lazaris,  realizing  they would be too afraid  and  too 
     alienated to come to a workshop, offered to come to them, wherever 
     they may chose, to talk to them in person.   He would meet them in 
     the  woods if they liked.   They chose the Life Styles  bookstore, 
     and  in early 1987 Lazaris held a four-hour personal  conversation 
     with  ten of them.   More were outside,  listening at windows  and 
     doors, wanting to hear but not comfortable in coming in.
       What  follows is an excerpt of the conversation between  Lazaris 
     and  the Silverdale Vets.   Very personal questions and all  names 
     are  deleted to protect the intimacy and privacy of those who were 
     present.   In  the  time  since  their  meeting,   tapes  of  this 
     conversation  have been circulated to Veterans'  Hospitals  across 
     the  United  States  and  to other Vietnam Veterans  by  those  in 
     Silverdale.   With  great appreciation to Ellie Hoffman,  and with 
     tremendous respect and gratitude for the Silverdale Vets, Concept: 
     Synergy  and  Connections are pleased to share these  excerpts  of 
     their conversation with Lazaris.
     
     
     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 68
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

     Q: -- Why won't the nightmares stop?  Every night when I try to go 
     to  sleep,  my  brain  explodes  with  the  pictures  -  with  the 
     nightmares.   I can't sleep,  Lazaris,  I can't sleep.   Sometimes 
     during  the  day,  even,  the pictures start coming and just  keep 
     coming.   I can't get away from them.   Why do I keep reliving the 
     memories?
     LAZARIS: -- They are still alive.   They are still alive inside of 
     you.   You  are  not  reliving them,  you are  living  them.   The 
     pictures -  the nightmares -  will continue because you have to do 
     more  than just figure out how to stop reliving the  images.   YOu 
     need  to  learn how to stop those images from continuing to  live.  
     They live, not just in your head.  They live throughout your body.  
     They live in your mind, and in your soul.
       This  is  why the traditional approaches to helping you  haven't 
     worked.   You  are seeking a way to stop the "reliving"  when  you 
     should  be searching for ways to stop the "living."   To find  the 
     right  answers,  you need to look in the right  direction.   Those 
     images are more than memories.  They are memories, to be sure, but 
     they  are  also  living images.   Some can  temporarily  stop  the 
     memory,  but it returns,  because the "living images"  produce new 
     life - new memories.
     
     Q: -- There has to be a way to end it.  I have to believe there is 
     a way out.  Some times that's the only thing I can hang on to.
     LAZARIS: -- There are answers.  There is a way out.
       There  are  a number of things that must be done to clear  those 
     images.  It would be convenient to say, "Oh,  it's easy.   Here... 
     one, two, three," and be done with it.
       We  could  say  it.   You would know  better.   YOu  live  those 
     experiences every day, you know the "one, two, three"  approach is 
     a lie.  Convenient, easy, but it's a lie.
       We won't lie to you.  The necessary work can be done,  but it is 
     complex, intricate, and it will take time.
       First  you must establish what we call THE FOUNDATION OF CHANGE, 
     which has four phases.
     
                         THE FOUNDATION OF CHANGE
     PHASE I: WHY?
       We must begin here.   Why did this particular war affect you the 
     way it did?  There have been wars throughout history, and each has 
     had influence upon those who returned.  But for the most part, the 
     soldiers  have  been able to return to a normal life.   They  have 
     been  able  to  contain their memories.   They have been  able  to 
     selectively remember the good times - the fun times.  Slowly,  but 
     effectively, they have been able to smother the pain and really or 
     artificially  move  past it.   They have learned to focus  on  new 
     friends  becoming  lifelong friends.   Removed from the  conflict, 
     they are able to dwell on the "good old days."  Why?
       Many  psychological  and sociological studies have examined  and 
     evaluated the war experience.  That is not our purpose here.   Why 
     was it different in Viet Nam?  Why was it different for you?
       It  was  different  because  Viet  Nam  was  different.   Unlike 
     previous wars,  this war had a different kind of depth.   This war 
     attempted  to teach humanity about the insanity of war.   All  war 
     has had its insanity, but that insanity was blurred - obfuscated - 
     by  the nobility and by the victory.   With Viet Nam there was  no 
     nobility and there was no victory.
       Though  this war had neither nobility or victory,  it did have a 
     purpose: More than any other war,  it intended to teach humanity - 
     
     NAM VET Newsletter                                        Page 69
     Volume  4, Number 11                           November 10, 1990

     not just the victors or the losers,  but humanity -  the insanity, 
     the ugliness, the senselessness of war.
       The  Viet  Nam  War intended to teach.   You are  its  teachers.  
     Those  of you who returned with living memories that won't stop  - 
     that  render you imprisoned by those living images -  those of you 
     who  returned unable to function -  unable to fit neatly back into 
     your  niche  -  are  the  living examples  of  that  insanity  and 
     inhumanity that is war.  You are a living reminder to the world.
       You  are a reminder of several things the world want to  forget.  
     Because  the world wants to forget what you represent,  the  world 
     also  wants to forget you.   Soldiers who returned from other wars 
     were welcomed as heroes, you were not.   The world turned its back 
     on you because it wants to turn its back on what you represent.
       In Washington, D.C., there is a moving and beautiful memorial to 
     the War in Viet Nam.  Evocative and powerful,  it is made of stone 
     with engraved names of the war dead.   It is silent.   That is the 
     kind  of  memorial  the world wants,  one that  is  inanimate  and 
     silent.
       You  are also a memorial to that war the world wants to  forget, 
     but  you  breathe.   You are not the war dead.   You are  the  war 
     living.  And you are not silent.
       You  stand as a sentinel saying,  "No.   You cannot forget  Viet 
     Nam.  I am a reminder.  I am alive,  and I am a living reminder of 
     the war you want to forget."
       First,  you  force  the  world to remember  the  ugliness.   The 
     ugliness  you  see every time you close your eyes -  the  ugliness 
     that  forces sleeplessness and withdrawal -  keeps the world  from 
     closing its eyes.
       Second,  you symbolize the politics of usury where young men and 
     women were used to advance political posturing in Washington.   As 
     the statistics of death increased,  both sides used the numbers to 
     incite  response.   The  hawks  used  the numbers  to  incite  the 
     determination to win and to encourage more of the young to be sent 
     to  Viet  Nam.   The  doves  used  the  numbers  to  incite  moral 
     indignation and to encourage an end to the war.
       Everyone used the numbers.   Sons and daughters -  the flesh and 
     blood - were forgotten.  You remain.
       Your  memories  remain.   They stay alive.   You refuse to be  a 
     number.   As  much  as the world wants to make you a  number,  you 
     refuse.
       Third, you are a reminder of the hurt, the anger, the rage.  You 
     are a reminder of the pain.   While the world wants to retire Viet 
     Nam  into  the two-dimensional pages of history,  you  are  three-
     dimensional.  Your hurt, anger,  rage -  your pain -  is a living, 
     breathing  reminder.   Even  though  you have retreated  from  the 
     world, lost, you keep Viet Nam from being preserved in sepia tones 
     like  some  dried  flower  pressed  between  the  heavy  pages  of 
     historical documentation.   You keep it alive -  three-dimensional 
     and in full color.
       The  first  phase in ending your torment comes  with  realizing, 
     "For  reasons I may or may not understand,  I have chosen to be  a 
     living memorial of the inhumanity,  of the usury politics,  and of 
     the  pain  of this war and of all wars."   When you can  begin  to 
     understand  that  you chose that,  you can begin to come to  peace 
     with  your  choice.   When  you can begin to come  to  peace,  the 
     memories can begin to die.
       When you can hear the whispers,  the whispering can stop.   When 
     you can hear the message, you can stop being the message.
     
     
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     PHASE II: SENSITIVITY
       The  second  phase is to acknowledge your  sensitivity.   It  is 
     important  to acknowledge that you exist at one end of a continuum 
     of sensitivity.   At the other extreme there are those who went to 
     Viet Nam and did the killing requested and required of them.  Some 
     did  it with lesser or greater degrees of enthusiasm.   They  came 
     home and re-entered society as if nothing had happened.
       In  the  mid-range  of that continuum,  some returned  and  with 
     varying degrees of difficulty - stumbling and faltering - also re-
     entered the America they once knew.  It was not easy for many, but 
     they did it.
       At  your  end of the continuum,  you could not  re-adjust.   You 
     tried.  You couldn't.  There is a sensitivity inside of you.   You 
     need  to begin to admit that sensitivity.   In a world that frowns 
     upon sensitivity, you have a delicate sensitivity that barred your 
     re-entry.
       The  assault to your sensitivity and to your sensibility was  so 
     severe  that  it  rattled  you out of  position.   You  lost  your 
     balance.   You  became  lost and are still lost now so many  years 
     later.   You  need to acknowledge that you were too sensitive  for 
     that war.
     
     PHASE III: FORGIVENESS
       The  third phase involved forgiveness.   No,  not forgiving  the 
     government  or your commanding officers.   No,  not even forgiving 
     yourself  for  the  specifics of what you did while in  Viet  Nam.  
     Those  "forgivenesses"  will  come  later.   Now  the  forgiveness 
     involves forgiving yourself for failing to re-enter the world.
       No  matter  the  intellectual rationale  and  the  psychological 
     labeling, in your guts you blame yourself.  You blame yourself for 
     not  being able to adjust.   In the depth of your being you feel - 
     regardless of what you think - that you failed.  In your guts, you 
     are a failure.  You need to forgive yourself.
       You wonder,  "What's wrong with me?   Why can't I just walk away 
     from  it like I hear or see others doing?   Why can't I be  normal 
     like  all the therapists want me to be -  insist that I should be?  
     What's wrong with me that I can't act like nothing happened?   Why 
     do these memories live inside of me?"
       You  are a sentinel of remembrance;  you are too sensitive for a 
     war like that.  There is nothing wrong with you.   There is plenty 
     to do to "fix"  the problem,  but there is nothing wrong with you.  
     The problem needs to be "fixed," not you.  The problem needs to be 
     "fixed" - not you.
       Hear that.  Forgive yourself.
     
     PHASE IV:  YOUR STRENGTH
       The  fourth phase is to touch your strength.   Now,  each of you 
     has strength that is unique to you.   You also have strengths that 
     are  common  to  all of you.   You need to admit and  touch  those 
     common strength.
       First there is self-reliance.  You survived, many did not.   Not 
     only  did  you survive physically,  you survived  mentally.   Your 
     withdrawal  fro society,  even your fear and distrust of the world 
     out  there,  is a powerful survival mechanism.   Many who suffered 
     the  nightmares  -  who  were  sentinels of  remembrance  and  too 
     sensitive as you are - did not survive mentally.  Their bodies may 
     function, but they are vegetables tucked away in some institution.  
     They could not sustain.
       Though you may live in a wilderness, though you may shun people, 
     
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     though  your nightmares may debilitate you from time to time,  you 
     did  survive.   In  fact,  your retreat is your  current  survival 
     mechanism.
       We  are NOT saying,  "Stop complaining,  at least you're alive."  
     No. No. No, we are NOT saying that at all.   We are saying you are 
     self-reliant  and creative.   YOu faced an insurmountable problem, 
     and you found a way to survive it.  Touch your strength.
       A  second  strength is self determination.   It would have  been 
     simpler  to  just curl up and die.   It would have been easier  to 
     become the "vegetable."  You didn't.
       You  found a way -  living in the wilderness with no one around, 
     behaving  in  a way that the consensus reality calls  strange  and 
     bizarre, fearing people and rejecting a world that wants to forget 
     you - whatever your method, you found a way.  You were determined, 
     and you found a creative solution.
       A  third strength that might never occur to you is that you have 
     compassion.  Yes, you are a compassionate person.  Your compassion 
     is for people and humanity.
       You  may  question this.   How can someone have  compassion  for 
     people and for humanity when they cannot effectively function with 
     or in either?
       What  has  happened  is that your sense of sensibility  and  the 
     compassion you have for life, for the living, for people,  and for 
     humanity  was so shocked,  so knocked out of kilter,  that you are 
     not  able  to adjust to the world yet.   If you did not  have  the 
     compassion of which we speak,  you wouldn't care.   The nightmares 
     wouldn't have been nightmares.
       It is precisely because you have the strength of compassion that 
     the problem you experience exists.  Your compassion was assaulted.  
     You were thrown way off balance.   YOu got lost and are still lost 
     because of your depth of compassion.
       See these strengths.  Touch them.  Discover other strengths, and 
     touch them as well.  Let them touch you.
       Four  phases:  recognize that you are a sentinel of remembrance, 
     acknowledge  your sensitivity,  forgive yourself,  and touch  your 
     strength.  This is the Foundation of Change.
       This is where and how it must begin.  To end the nightmare, this 
     is where it must begin.   Once you do this work,  and it will take 
     time, then you are ready to move on to technique.
     
     Q: -- Okay, what is the technique?  What do I do?
     LAZARIS:  --  As  The  Foundation of Change has four  phases,  The 
     Technique  has  three phases.   As we said,  this is not a  simple 
     process,  but  then  you  have  spent  a great  deal  of  time  in 
     nightmarish pain.  It will take much less time to get out than the 
     time  you  have  already  spent there.   Others may  offer  you  a 
     technique  that  is much simpler,  we offer you a  technique  that 
     works.  Are you ready?
     
     Q: -- Yes.  I'm with you.
     LAZARIS: -- Good.
     
                               THE TECHNIQUE
     PHASE I: THE MEDITATION
       In  a  meditative  state -  relaxed,  eyes closed,  in  a  light 
     daydream   or  a  deep  altered  state,   begin  with  phase  one.  
     Consciously  make yourself relive the memory.   Breathe life  into 
     the memory and bring it up and thing it - feel it.  Right now, the 
     memories come flooding in, but they come in when they want to, not 
     
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     when  you want them to.   The first step is consciously making the 
     memories respond to your request.   Make them come up when you are 
     in a mental/emotional posture to handle them.
       Late  at  night  or spontaneously during the  day  the  memories 
     control  you.   When you consciously conjure them when you decide, 
     then you can begin to control them.   As scary as this may seem at 
     first, it is phase one.  The key words are: choice -  your choice, 
     and decision -  your decision.   Then you are in control,  not the 
     memories.
       Once you have the images in your mind,  put them "out there"  in 
     front of you.   See them as though watching a movie.   When you do 
     watch  a movie,  you get emotionally involved,  so get emotionally 
     involved in WATCHING the images - watching the memories.   Make it 
     objective - put "out there" in front of you.
       It  may take several tries.   It may be hard -  real hard  -  at 
     first, but no harder than the out of control agony you are in now.  
     Work at it.
       Then,  once  it  is successfully "out there,"  sense a  powerful 
     presence behind you.  Imagine -  create it in your mind.   Feel as 
     though someone very very powerful - compassionately powerful -  is 
     standing behind you.
       This  someone can be your Higher Self or your Future  Self.   It 
     could be an imaginary friend.  It can be God -  or as we prefer to 
     say  God/Goddess/All That Is.   You can't see them,  so let it  be 
     whoever you want.  Just feel it.  Imagine it.  Feel it some more.
       There  you stand with the abhorrent pain in front of you and the 
     power  of  change  invisibly  behind  you.   Now,  sense  a  light 
     beginning to glow from behind.  A dim light - almost imperceptible 
     at first -  that grows brighter and brighter and brighter until it 
     is a brilliant light.
       The  now-brilliant light whooshes around you.   Like a  powerful 
     swirl of wind,  it whooshes and whirls around you.   It moves past 
     you  to  confront the ugliness that is before you.   It  surrounds 
     that  ugliness.   It  cocoons  the  pain.   Layer  upon  layer  of 
     brilliant-light  cocoons the pain until the nightmare is no longer 
     visible.
       Once  invisible,  mentally demand,  mentally scream your  demand 
     that  the  cocoon  containing your  pain  shrink.   After  several 
     emotional demands,  the brilliant cocoon will slowly and then more 
     rapidly shrink.
       Keep  demanding,  commanding until the cocoon is small enough to 
     fit  into your hand.   Then hold the brilliant but tiny sphere  in 
     your hand.
       You  control  the pain.   YOU CONTROL THE PAIN.   It  no  longer 
     controls you.  What do you want to do with the pain?  Yes.   Throw 
     that baseball-like cocoon as far away as possible.   Throw it with 
     all  your meditative might.   Pick it up and throw it.   Throw  it 
     away.
       Will this work?  Yes.  The first time?   For a few,  yes.   Most 
     will have to repeat this meditation several or many times.  If you 
     involve  yourself and your senses  -  seeing,  hearing,  smelling, 
     touching,  and  tasting  it -  and your feelings,  from  fear  and 
     loathing to exhilaration, it will work.  As easy as it sounds,  it 
     will work.
       The  only fine print:   You must build The Foundation of  Change 
     first.   To  skip  the intellectual part and rush into  meditation 
     will be an exercise in futility, disappointment, and failure.   Do 
     the  homework.   Build  The  Foundation of Change.   Then  do  the 
     meditation to consciously throw away the pain.
     
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     PHASE II:  CONSEQUENCES OF FREEDOM
       For  many of you the nightmares have been alive for more than  a 
     decade.   We  understand  that.   But what would happen to you  if 
     those invading images stopped?   As painful as they are,  they are 
     also  familiar.   As much as those nightmares are imprisoning  and 
     destroying you, they are familiar.  What do you do when they stop?
       If you do not know what [will] happen[ed], you might not readily 
     throw them away.  The power of familiarity is immense.
       If  you do know what would happen and don't like it,  you  might 
     not really throw those images away, either.
       Some  of  you think that without the nightmares that  you  would 
     have  to  rejoin society.   You think you would have to move  back 
     into  the city,  get a job,  and join the American work force as a 
     normal member of the community.  Likewise,  many of you don't want 
     to  do that.   As much as you hate the nightmares,  the thought of 
     "fitting in" is even more frightening and abhorrent.
       Some  people find the consequences almost as nightmarish as  the 
     nightmares themselves.  Some may find the consequences more so.
       The nightmares serve as an excuse.  You didn't create them as an 
     excuse.   You created them as a remembrance and out of sensitivity 
     and  strength.   But  once created they have become an excuse  for 
     many.
       Now,  you  may not want to see this.   We may make you angry  by 
     saying this.  Our goal is to help you, not to win your approval.
       You  need  to look at your personal consequences of freedom  and 
     then decide what to do with them.   If,  for example,  you want to 
     continue  to live in that wilderness and remain reclusive,  that's 
     fine.   Your  lifestyle  doesn't have to change just  because  the 
     nightmares end.
       Whereas  you  are  currently  selecting your  lifestyle  by  the 
     default of survival,  you can select the exact same lifestyle,  if 
     you like by choice.  You can choose by free choice.
     
     PHASE III:  THE DREAM
       Once  you throw away the pain and deal with the consequences  of 
     freedom, you must replace the hole left behind.  It's like digging 
     a  hole in the sand at the ocean's edge.   If you just remove  the 
     sand  and don't put something where it was,  the hole will fill up 
     again with more sand.
       If  you  just  throw  away the pain and don't  replace  it  with 
     something,  the  pain will return.   It will return the  same,  or 
     perhaps even worse.  You must replace the pain.
       Now  is  when you need to start dreaming,  consciously  dreaming 
     about  the future you want to create instead.   You need to  start 
     desiring,  expecting,  and  imagining the world YOU want to create 
     for yourself.
       The  world you left behind when you went to Viet Nam was  filled 
     with desire, expectation,  and imagination.   However,  often they 
     were  not YOUR dreams.   They were dreams that mothers and fathers 
     held, that peers held, that society held.  They were not yours.
       Viet  Nam crushed the dream.   Lost,  you came back,  but  never 
     really  returned.   Everyone  has been telling you to  be  normal.  
     They are telling you to fit back in.   You can't.   You don't want 
     to.
       Well,  don't  be normal.   End the nightmare and start  dreaming 
     again,  but  this  time start dreaming the dreams you never  dared 
     dream  before.   Start dreaming your dreams.   What do you want to 
     do?  What do you want to be?  How,  where,  when,  how much...  so 
     
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     many questions.  When the pain ends,  fill the hole with all kinds 
     of desire, all kinds of expectations, all kinds of imaginings.
       They  may not all come true.   Some may be wishful thinking  and 
     escapist  avoidances.   Some of those new dreams may produce pain.  
     Yes,  they may produce pain,  but not the pain that the nightmares 
     produce  all  the  time now.   Whatever the pain your  dreams  may 
     produce,  they will be nothing compared to the pain you experience 
     now with every inhale and exhale of your existence.
       Now you have the pain of existence.  At worst,  with your dreams 
     you  will have the pain of living.   Further,  many of the  dreams 
     will come true.  You can and will create many of those dreams, but 
     you have to risk, dreaming them first.  The alternative to what we 
     suggest  is untenable.   Start dreaming -  after the homework  and 
     after the meditation - start dreaming your personal dreams.
       It  will work.   This is how to end the nightmare.   This is now 
     not  only to stop reliving the pain,  but also how to stop  living 
     it.
     
     Q2: -- Lazaris.  My nightmare ... I was on patrol.   I was scared.  
     I heard a noise, and I shot.   Lazaris ...  I killed a young girl.  
     I killed her.  She was carrying guns and stuff - she was the enemy 
     - I knew all that.  But I killed her, Lazaris.  I killed her,  and 
     I see her every time I close my eyes.  I see her face.   I see her 
     body dead.  I see her.  I can't get away from it.  I killed ...
       How do I get rid of that .. I killed a girl .. how??
     LAZARIS:  --  There is no direct answer to this.   Some might tell 
     you,  "It's  karmic.   She intended to die.   She killed you in  a 
     previous life time.  It was her karma, it was yours."
       That doesn't deal with the pain.  To tell you that would, first, 
     be a cop-out.   It would be a simple answer requiring no caring on 
     our part and no change on your part.  Secondly,  it would be a lot 
     of  gobbledygook.   Even if such a lifetime did exist and did have 
     impact,  it  would  still be just so much gobbledygook.   It  just 
     would not help you.
       You killed someone.  There is no justification or rationale that 
     will  make the pain go away.   There is justification and there is 
     rationale,  to  be  sure,  but none of it -  not one twit  -  will 
     dissolve the pain.
       Killing a human being twists inside of you. It is gut-wrenching, 
     and  it destroys a piece of you when it happens and every time you 
     think of it - every time you feel it.
       Enemy or now, you killed someone.  With right or good reasons or 
     not, you killed someone.  That's the fact.  That's what happened.
       "What might she have been?   What might she have grown up to be?  
     What  about  her  family?   What have  I  done?"   The  questions, 
     unending, riddle, rattle,  and bounce around inside of you.   They 
     follow  you  like a specter -  like a ghost haunting you  day  and 
     night.
       Additionally, there is not one answer that will work for each of 
     you  that killed someone in Viet Nam.   There is no one  cure,  no 
     panacea.   The  approach we are going to suggest to you will  work 
     for you.   It might work for others,  too,  but it might not.   It 
     will work for you.  To be sure, it will.  
       You  need to "Edit the Film."   This is a powerful technique and 
     it will take time, but it will work.
       This  is  a meditative technique where you once again bring  the 
     memory into your consciousness by choice.  Do the following:
       1.   Bring  the memory to your conscious mind by choice and play 
     it  through  from the beginning to end,  feeling all the  feelings 
     
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     associated  with the killing.   Feel it consciously.   Feel it  by 
     choice.
       2.   Then  do  an instant replay,  starting from the  beginning.  
     Play it full.  Play it with intense feeling.   As you approach the 
     point when you lift your gun and are just about to fire,  mentally 
     yell,  "Cut!"  as  a director of a film might do.   When you yell, 
     hold the last image as a still shot -  like you stopped the film - 
     freeze frame.
       3.  Then you, as you are now more than a decade later,  you step 
     into the scene.   Walk past the young frightened soldier and go up 
     to  the girl.   Help her set her guns down,  and the two of you go 
     off to the side.  Talk.  Talk to her.   Tell her something to this 
     effect:   "Look,  in  the next scene I am going to kill you.   You 
     will die, and I will live.  I will live with the memory for a very 
     long time."
       Talk to her.  Let her talk to you.   Let her react with fear and 
     hate and anger and whatever other emotional reaction she has.  Let 
     her hit you.  Let her scream and pound her fists.
       4.  When she exhausts herself, ask her to forgive you.   "Please 
     forgive  me  for  killing  you.   Please forgive  that  young  and 
     frightened  soldier  who  thought he knew why he was here  in  the 
     first place, but doesn't know any more.  Forgive him. Forgive me."
       5.   Have her forgive you/him.   Reluctantly at first,  and then 
     with more strength, "I forgive him. I forgive you."
       6.  Once forgiven, thank her.  Go back as she takes her place in 
     front of the aimed gun.  Walk past the freeze frame soldier.  In a 
     position to watch, quietly say, "Action."
-- 
#L.W. Jewell Moderator at the Veterans Information Site (veteran@cc.purdue.edu)#
#& WWII-L Listowner: "Sunday's horoscope is note worthy because of its strange,#
#sudden and wholly unpredictable and inexplicable occurrences, affecting all   #
#phases of life." "Your Horoscope" L.A. Evening Herald Express, Sat, 12/06/41  #
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