From: jfriedman@eagle.wesleyan.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: lights off
Date: 23 Jul 92 17:47:28 GMT
Organization: Wesleyan University

In article <1992Jul23.161239.8614@usenet.ins.cwru.edu>, bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan) writes:
> 
> From alwan573@Armstrong.EDU Wed Jul 22 19:17:37 1992
> Received: from pirates.Armstrong.EDU by cwns16.INS.CWRU.Edu with SMTP (5.65b+ida+/CWRU-1.5-freenet)
> 	id AA09794; Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:17:37 -0400 (from alwan573@Armstrong.EDU for /usr/local/bin/m2mbox /u/98/bu850/mbox)
> Received: by pirates.Armstrong.EDU (4.1/SMI-4.1)
> 	id AA18024; Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:16:45 EDT
> From: alwan573@Armstrong.EDU (KARLA MARIE alwan)
> Message-Id: <9207222316.AA18024@pirates.Armstrong.EDU>
> Subject: lights
> To: bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu
> Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:16:44 EDT
> X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]
> 
> 
> 
> [Some, not so pleasant things, to follow --- mild spoiler?]
> 
> Something strange  has been happening off and on for
> the last few months (maybe close to a year).   It only
> recently occured to me that it could be some kind of memory.
> Sometimes at night, when I go to turn the lights off (come to
> think of it, I got similar feeling when I was 13, a few
> months after I was raped, then they stopped).  I get this
> feeling that someone is standing in front of me, squeezing me, like 
> they are trying to hold me close.  But I want to get away, but I
> can't.  And the only way to get rid of this person is to turn
> the lights on.  Sometimes I have to sleep with the bathroom light on,
> because everytime I turn the light off, someone is up
> close to me again.
> 
> The similar feeling that I had when I was 13, wasn't really associated
> with darkness.   It just had to do with feeling like the man that
> raped me, whas there in the room with me.  Watching me, trying
> to touch me.  I had to leave my room, and get around other
> people to make him go away.  Gawd those were terrbile days.  Everyday
> almost I thought back to the day before and wandered if I had thought
> about IT.  I just hoped for a few days to go by that I wouldn't
> think about it.  I remember being very happy the first time I
> realized that "yesterday" I didn't think about it.  I wanted to
> forget...  And amazingly enough, I forgot a lot.  A lot more
> than I thought I would.
> 
> Anyway, I am just rambling here...  I think the point was supposed
> to be that I don't understand why I get this feeling at night..
> It feels like someone is there with me.  Yet I don't remember being
> abused in such a way that would encourage such a memory.
> 
> The only thing I can think of is what happend when I was a 9 month old
> baby.  I was strapped to a toilet seat and beaten until I used the
> bathroom.  My therapist suggests that this person could
> have done more than just beat me.  I hope not.
> 
> Anyway, I don't want to remember more abuse than I already know.
> It's hard enough dealing with being raped at 12.  The last thing I need
> is sexual abuse before I could even walk.
> 
> ughhhh...
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> Thanks for listening...
> 
> -Karla 

I am sorry I cannot offer healing advice.  But I am listening and I am with
you.  Peace, strength, and healing,

-jac

> 
> -- 
> |alwan573@pirates.armstrong.edu   <=== USE THIS ONE!          
> |Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
> |ng548@dsom_op.pnl.gov                       |
> |bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |