Organization: Penn State University
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 09:47:25 EDT
From: <CXF12@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Thanks + Question re: Sharing between one-year-olds (LONG)
Distribution: usa

In article <14hsdrINNjob@smaug.West.Sun.COM>, zoe@cypress.West.Sun.COM (Zoe
Friedlander) says:
[describing two cousins, both about 1-yr old]
>The other thing is that they
>both are often interested in whichever toy the other one has, and
>sometimes Isaiah, but more often Aaron, will try to take the other
>one's toy.  When Aaron tries to grab Isaiah's toy, Isaiah often just
>gives it up, and just watches Aaron, or turns to some other toy.
>However, once in a while, he really resists, and in those cases he
>seems to be able to hold on to the toy--that is, prevent Aaron from
>taking it away.  When that happens, Aaron fusses briefly and then
>turns to something else.
>
>To me, this kind of interaction seems fine; I feel like I've seen
>that Isaiah doesn't really care that much if Aaron takes a toy away,
>and when he does care, he makes his feelings known.  (If Isaiah really
>wants the toy but Aaron gets it away and Isaiah fusses, we do give it
>back to him.) The problem as I see it is that my sister doesn't think
>this is okay.  She thinks that neither of the boys should be permitted
>to take toys from each other; that we should intervene all the time,
>and this morning she told the babysitter that she should intervene too.

I read Laura Floom's response, and agree with her comments, suggesting that
it is best to let the children resolve things themselves (if they can) and
that it is important to model appropriate behavior for the children (i.e., not
automatically snatch the toy away from the "taker" to return it to the child
who had the toy first.

I wanted to add something to this.  Our daughter (now 3.5) has been playing
with a close friend's daughter (3 months older) since they were infants.  We
live about 3 hours away from each other, so when we get together it is
typically for a weekend, which means that the children are playing together
for an extended period of time.  I have noticed that the kind of behavior
that the original post describes is much more common when both girls are
tired, hungry, or in need of some one-on-one time with an adult.  Although
the girls play very well together now, there was a time from about one to two
years of age when a few hours at a stretch was all they could handle.  If they
were playing indoors, they *always* seemed to want the same toy, and neither
of them was consistently able to "share" for any length of time.  Some of the
things that helped were:

- Take the kids outside where they can play together on a swingset, in the
snow, in a pool, running around the yard, etc. -- all activities that don't
involve playing with individual small toys *and* allow them to "change gears".

- Offer to read a story (either to one or both of them).

- Offer a snack or suggest a short rest period.

- Take the kids for a walk.

As our daughters grew older, we would sometimes put away the toy that they were
arguing over for a few minutes until they calmed down.  Then we would try to
help them figure out a way to share.  By the way, they have become much more
cooperative & much better at resolving their own conflicts as they have grown
older -- this really is no longer a problem except for when they are both very
tired.

As a last resort -- have another baby :-) :-) :-)  These two girls now have a
commonn "enemy" (the other girl's one-yr old sister) who they try to prevent
from getting into all their toys.  They have never played so well together! :-)

Carol Fischer (CXF12@psuvm.psu.edu)
Newsgroups: misc.kids