From: Minotaur@cup.portal.com (Frank - Swilling)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: The Stockholm Syndrome
Date: Wed,  2 Sep 92 18:06:58 PDT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
  <1992Sep1.071810.10541@macc.wisc.edu> <2!kn=+b.jfh@netcom.com>

Jack Hamilton, who's like the brother I never had, not counting the six
brothers I *do* have, sez:

>In article <1992Sep1.071810.10541@macc.wisc.edu> anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess
>Anderson) writes:
>>
>>In article <65036@cup.portal.com> Minotaur@cup.portal.com
>>(Frank - Swilling) writes:
>>
>>>When someone thinks so little of you as to abuse your name,
>>>they're telling you that you're nothing, worthless.
>>
>>Which you are free not to accept, a course I would urge
>>upon anyone who thinks they're being abused, namewise.
>>Our somethingness, our worth, these are things no one can
>>take away from us, other than by prolonged terror.  As
>>you say ...

>Jess makes two important points here.

>The first is that our sense of self is pretty much self-made, and that we
>might be best off ignoring what people think of us.

>Jack Hamilton

Jack, (and Jess) I feel exactly the opposite is true.  Our sense of self
begins in the cradle and is controlled first by our parents (or parental
substitutes) and then by a host of other *external* influences (siblings,
playmates, religious leaders, etc.) all the way up to the age of eight or
so, when you finally start to get a sense of yourself as a distinct and
separate entity from your parents, family, and friends.  By then, you have
been programmed by others to either to have a solid shield of self-worth,
a brittle shield of self-doubt, or more likely, something somewhere between
the two.

People with *really* *bad* programming become Jeffrey Dahmers.  People
with *moderately* bad programming become neurotic doormats who get abused
by their spouses and vote Republican because they think they *deserve*
for bad things to happen to them.  People with *halfway-decent* to *good*
programming are still in shock that those LA cops got away with beating
the shit out of Rodney King.

Nor do I agree that we might be best ignoring what people think of us.
Other people might be right about you, and they might be dead wrong, but
listening to what they think of you is a valuable reality check: if you
think you are the Enlightened Voice of Reason, and other people are
clamoring for your head, then hearing what they are saying and gauging
their opinions against your own inner truth might make all the difference
in whether or not you ever find a way to communicate that truth and lead
the world to enlightenment, or fail to communicate that truth and end up
as the Extra Crispy Special at a "Jesus Loves Me" Bar-B-Q somewhere in Klan
country.

Besides which, I don't think we *can* "just ignore" what other people
think.  Oh, we can ignore some of the people some of the time, but we
can't ignore all of the people all of the time.  Of course, some people
carry things too far.  I think that vast hordes of people go through
their entire lives trying not to do anything that will be construed as
remotely "out of line" because they are listening a little too closely
to the voices around them which continually reinforce their first eight
or so years of "you're a cow, be part of the herd" programming.

People who have been seriously damaged by "you're a bad cow, no herd would
have you" programming tend to be extremists.  Either they are driving
themselves to catatonia listening to other voices telling them how to be
a Good Cow in This Perfect Herd, or else they're loading up on semi-automatic
weapons while waiting for That One Perfect Day to blow the whole herd to
hell.  These people need therapy and very few of them ever get it, because
for some reason, the herd has decreed that therapy is A Sign Of Weakness,
and they believe it.

People with good programming, who've been taught that "you're a fine cow,
and the herd is lucky to have you" are listening to those voices just as
closely.  After all, they're likely to be the movers and shakers of the
herd, and it's important for them to know where the herd wants to be led.
The difference here is that because these people have well-nurtured ego-
strength, at least a few of them are able to be adventurous and buck the
herd every now and then.

People with "you're not a cow, and you shouldn't follow the herd" type
programming seem to be rare indeed, and society doesn't make it any
easier for them to flourish.  Human society is set up for herd behavior,
and the individualists ignore the voices of the herd at their peril.
Young individualists tend to require the constant intervention of older
individualists to insure that they aren't chewed up and spit into the
nearest cow-shaped cookie cutter by official representatives of the herd,
which really isn't very comfortable with them around, because they just
don't seem to Get It and can't be trusted to act in the best interests
of the herd.

The point of all this (What?  There's a point?)  is that except for
extremely rare individuals, we are all heavily influenced from cradle to
grave by what others think of us.  If we are aware of this fact, we can use
the information to open up an internal dialogue that can make us stronger,
smarter, braver, and freer of the guilt that the herd tries to heap upon us
whenever we stray from the beaten path.  If we refuse to acknowledge the
importance of the influence of others on who we are and how we got to be who
we are, and what we feel and why we feel that way, then those others will
have nearly perfect control over our hearts and minds and spirits, because
they're always there inside us, and all they need to win is for us to pretend
they aren't.

Frank
Minotaur@cup.portal.com