From: glp@fig.citib.com (Greg Parkinson)
Subject: Re: *drama* in relationships
Originator: glp@merlin
Organization: Citibank IBISM
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 15:06:54 GMT


In article <1992Aug31.032940.11817@cis.ohio-state.edu>, amz@iguana.cis.ohio-state.edu (Arnold M Zwicky) writes:

|> "STRAIGHT PEOPLE LEAD SUCH *COMPLEX* LIVES", in the words of a dear
|> (gay) friend [who i am not crediting only because i'm not sure he
|> wants this sort of electronic fame].  this after several of those
|> phone calls from budapest to california.

I spoke with my mother a few nights ago and we spent some
time discussing my brother and his marriage.  Mike married
Jennifer the week before Dave moved in with me, and the 
comparison of sanctioned vs non-sanctioned couplings was
driven home quite soundly - - but that's a different subject.
These couplings occurred at the beginning of May.

My father had a major stroke last fall and is now in a 
nursing home where he will most likely remain until he
dies.  He smiles sometimes when someone comes into the
room but that's about the extent of his interaction with
the outside world.  My mother goes and sits with him
almost every afternoon - with no feedback to indicate
that he knows that she's there - and my brother goes three
times a week.  It's on his way home from work.

According to my mother (I speak with my brother rarely;
we've never been close) Jennifer has been making statements
about how my family "dwells too much" on my father, and
that time spent with him is time taken away from her.  She
has also said "I don't see why you have to have all these
books" and "I don't understand why you have to read so much."
She will go out and do things with her friends while he stays
home, but each of these events is punctuated with a brief
discussion of their relative flaws.  It's drama, but
on a soap opera level.

In comparison, Dave and I talk about *everything*.  We talk
about commitment and monogamy and trust and expectations and
power and responsibility.  Last night I asked him if I made
him happy, and he replied "That's not really your job, is it?"
We are close friends with a couple I used to fuck with and
I think that some day we'll all do it again.  We are close 
friends with my ex and his new lover.  We deal with his 
being supported by me, with my needs that he doesn't connect
with, with his past relationships and our commitment to 
making ourselves into the people we want to be and the
kind of healthy relationship that those people can have.
To me this is the best kind of drama - it's interesting,
it moves, it surprises, it educates, it delights.  It's
not bound by scripts or formulas and its goal is neither
showy triumph nor flailing tragedy, which I guess is what
many people require in order to feel their lives are being
lived to the maximum.
 
|> everyone knows that some of us seriously love several of the rest
|> of us.  this is no big thing.  (maybe it's not perfect, but it's
|> ok.)

I think it's wonderful.  Love does not require jealousy
or exclusivity.  Emotional complexity can be enjoyed, reveled in,
and is better served by acceptance and attention than by analysis.

-- 
Greg Parkinson                  Phone: 212-657-7814  Fax: 212-825-8607
Citibank,111 Wall Street        E-Mail: glp@fig.citib.com
New York, New York  10043
The opinions expressed are my own and not those of the big 'ol bank.