From: coren@speed.osf.org (Robert Coren)
Subject: Re: Tips for coming out to friends?
Organization: Open Software Foundation
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 18:49:23 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.001637.19673@reed.edu>, nelson@reed.edu (Nelson Minar) writes:
> 
> [our story so far - Doron asked for advice on how to come out, nervous
> about what could go wrong, how his friends would react. Arne wrote
> back saying "why is it such a big deal? Coming out is easy. It should be."]
> 
> Well, actually, I think coming out *is* a big deal. I don't think that
> Arne was necessarily being insensitive, but he was broadcasting his
> own worldview to others.
> 
> Coming out means so many things. It means being self-assured enough
> that you can say "I'm gay" to people and not flinch, not experience a
> worry about "gad, I'm a pervert". It means being willing to tell
> people what you are, even if they might not like it. It means changing
> existing friendships, possibly risking them. None of these are small
> things.
> 
> It's nice if you can stop thinking about coming out to people as a
> "big deal". But that takes time, and experience, and lots of work.
> Personally, I don't know if I'll ever get there.

Nelson speaks wisely here, and helpfully, from a perspective near in
age to Doron, and not that far removed in situation. I'll try to add
another perspective, which I hope Doron (and anybody else in a similar
situation) will find helpful.

As long as we live in a society where heterosexuality is the presumed
default, it's hard to really "get there". As someone who's been in
various stages of "out" for 20 years or so, I can say two things: it
gets easier, but it's still something you have to keep "doing", and
it's rarely entirely stress-free.

My suggestion would be not to try to make an "event" of it. As others
have pointed out, if you appear uneasy about it, it will tend to make
other people uneasy. Rather than making an "announcement" --
specifically revealing your gayness -- you might try to think in terms
of *not hiding* it. Like, if your friends are talking about who they
went out with last weekend, you can talk about it too, without
changing pronouns. Similarly if the discussion is about who's
attractive: "Say, look over there, she's pretty cute, isn't she?" --
"He's not bad either."

You probably want to choose pretty carefully *which* friends you do
this with.

Which is not to say that, the first few times you do this, your
stomach won't churn or your hands tremble. But it defuses some of the
emotional intensity that comes from conversations that start with,
"I've got something real important [read: threatening] to tell you."

You'll get various reactions, probably including people appearing not
to notice. Give them time. It took you a while to notice, and to come
to terms with it, right? And they don't have nearly the stake in it
you do.

(You'll probably also get some, "hey, are you trying to tell me
something?", often followed by "yeah, I figured as much". You may also
get some reciprocal comings-out, which is always wonderful.)

There will probably also be someone, maybe more than one, who doesn't
want to be your friend any more. This is painful, but one way to ease
the pain is to remember something which, if you read this group for
any length of time, you will see over and over: they weren't really
your friend to begin with. If they can't be friends with a gay person,
the person they thought were friends with wasn't you.

Another approach, if you're unfortunate enough to be in an applicable
situation, is not to let homophobic jokes or remarks pass. This is a
good idea anyway, but it's often hardest for closeted gay people. If
the offender, when challenged, says, "What's it to you?" or, even,
"what, are you queer or something?" you have to be ready.

> You've got an amazing sense of perspective. But if it feels like the
> world is being flipped on its ear, well, it is being flipped on its
> ear. You can't suddenly decide "OK, I'm not going to feel like this is
> a big deal" - that peace takes time. You can say "this is a major
> upheavel but I'm going to survive it."
> 
> Nelson, pretending to be wise.

Pretty convincingly, I'd say.
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