From: noraa@cbnewsk.cb.att.com (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Subject: Re: The Majority are "In Contempt"
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 06:07:23 GMT

In article <73740002@hpsad.sad.hp.com> sam@hpsad.sad.hp.com (Vicky Hansen) writes:
>In soc.women, hamton@byron.u.washington.edu (MrEuStress) writes:
>>When society $$ gang rapes men, the majority (57%) "protect" themselves
>>by being outlaws -- in contempt.

>First, although it is usually the man who pays support, that is not always
>the case.  Whoever earns more money pays the support (or is ordered to) in
>the case of joint custody.  Whoever is not the primary care giver pays if
>the child lives with one parent.

One of my friends is going through a divorce - at the same time that I
am.  His ex2b makes $60k per year and gets a car and a cellular phone as
benefits, besides a great benefits package and lots of cash perks.  He
makes roughly $35k.  When she decided at age 29 that he wasn't good
enough for her, she told him that as long as she gave him everything she
wanted, the divorce would be amicable.  However, if he tried to get
joint custody or even shared parenting, she would "make [his] life a
living hell!"  He was granted temporary shared parenting with her having
the children 75% of the time.  She travels a great deal and he ends up
having the children roughly 50% of the time.  He pays her $800 per month
in child support.  He doesn't get credit for any of the "extra" time
he has the children unless she is gone for 7 consecutive days.  No one
is ever gone for 7 consecutive days, although she did have one trip to
Alaska that was to last about 10 days.  However, she came up with several
excuses that forced her employer to fly her back to Indiana and then
back to Alaska, just so she wouldn't have to give up any of her child
support.  So, he makes less than she does, but has the children roughly
50% of the time, yet has to pay her.  The court won't recognize his time
with the children unless she is gone and he has the children for 7
consecutive days within a month.  The court considers her the sole
physical custodian and him a joint legal custodian.

I know of another man who makes roughly the same thing that his wife
makes and has 50/50 joint custody.  However the courts ordered him to
pay 50% of the child support obligation to her.

I know another man who has his children approximately 90% of the time,
but according to the courts, is the children's non-custodial parent and
he has to pay her 100% of the child support obligation because she is on
welfare.

>Second, the support should not exceed the cost of raising the child.  The
>payee has the right to require proof of the expenses.
>
>Third, as someone from the other side of the fence, I hardly feel that the
>support orders are out of line.  Before I was asked to stay home and raise
>our children, I was earning more money than my ex-husband (though not by
>much).  After 10 years vegetating (15 years of marriage), I became single
>at his request and got a job at just over 1/3 of his salary.  I have since
>moved up to almost 1/2 of his salary.  The fact that he turns over 7% of
>his salary to help me support our 12 year old (on time and in full) does
>not seem exhorbitant to me.  Also, with the time=money equation, you need
>to understand that I am spending the time and he is spending the money.  I
>helped him move up the corporate ladder by running his household and taking
>care of the children while he travelled -- noone does that for me and I 
>started 10 years later -- I will never again earn anywhere near what he
>does.  Once my son is 18, no money will be exchanged -- I disagree with
>who society is against.

When my ex2b and I met, she was earning more than me, and had the
potential to make a great deal of money.  During our marriage, I made
approximately 90% of our income.  I also more than doubled my income in
a period of 3 years.  I pay her $1038.22 per month in child support.
She doesn't feel that is enough.  She also made the same kinds of
threats to me when she decided to file for a divorce that my friend`s
ex2b made to him.  She also demanded that I pay her alimony ($800 per
month), child support ($800 per month), daycare ($460 per month) and
pay off the van that was in my name, which she wanted to keep ($250 per
month for 3 more years).  She wanted sole legal and physical custody of
the children.  She wanted all our mutual possessions and all the
assets of the marriage.  She fully expected me to take all the debts of
the marriage.  However, I pressed the custody issue.

She then filed for a Civil Protection Order against me and had me thrown
out of my house and had all my access to money to defend myself against
her allegations frozen.  The judge granted the CPO based solely on her
statement that she was in "fear" and stated in findings of fact that she
had presented no evidence that I had ever abused her in any way, shape
or form.

Then, four months later, she had charges filed against me for child
endangerment for spanking my sons.  It took 10 months and $5000 to
defend myself against that one - the charge was finally dismissed
because I had been charged under an unconstitutional law.  Then she
alleged that I sexually molested my sons.  After thousands of dollars
of consulting fees and the Guardian Ad Litem (attorney representing my
children) actually paying for an investigation out of his own pocket,
there was ample evidence to prove that she created/manufactured the
allegations to obtain sole custody and that I was completely innocent
of her allegations.  Her neighbors, day-care workers, social workers
and even many people she considered friends were ready, willing and
able to testify against her.  There were around 30 people in this
camp.  One social worker asserted that in her interview with my sons,
my ex2b enacted the most blatant instance of coaching children she had
seen in her 10 years of experience.  My ex2b was holding my son on her
lap with both hands around him, telling him, "You've gotta tell her,
you've gotta tell her.  You've got to tell her so we can get help for
Daddy.  Tell her what your Daddy did to you.  Tell her your Daddy
licked your penis."  

Then, when it looked like she would lose custody of the children, she
agreed to consider a shared parenting agreement.

It only took 17 months and about $50k to get her back to zero.

That she "made my life a living hell" and was able to do so completely
without retribution is par for the course.  That fact that I was able
to overcome her attacks is rare.  The fact that I am willing to
entertain shared parenting rather than destroy her in court and get
sole custody is a reflection of my belief that children need both of
their parents and that they should be able to have a relationship with
two good parents.   Because our shared parenting plan provides for
therapy for all family members, it is a reflection of my hope that she
will get over the hatred and beliefs that she was absolutely correct in
her initial assertions that I should not have a relationship with my
children, and that I should give her 90% of my net income.  It is a
reflection of my hope that she will, after therapy, be a good parent.

It will take years to pay off the financial expense of this divorce.
But you cannot fathom the emotional damage that was inflicted by her
callousness and immoral acts - both prior to and during the divorce.

When men get a fair shake from the divorce courts, it is because women
do not try to destroy their husbands and want things to be fair.  The
court has no understanding of what is fair or right.  They are not
practitioners of equality, they don't attempt to do what is right - they
are practitioners of what is legal.  It is perfectly legal to destroy
men in divorce courts.  They do it everyday.

So, golden assertions about how everything seems fair and logical
post-divorce rings hollow with me.  What you stated is how it should be
- not how it is.

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
TR@CBNEA.ATT.COM 

P.S.  To the best of my knowledge, no state requires a custodial parent
to account for how child support is spent.  

Child support awards are typically 20% of gross income for one child,
30% for two children, etc. to a peak of 40%.  If you are only getting 7%
of your ex's income in child support, then you got screwed.

Oh, and my ex helped me jump up the corporate ladder for all of 4
years.  How did she help me?  She stayed home with my children, would
occassionally do some housework, cleaned some of my clothes for a
couple of years, and once in a great while, she would fix a meal for
me (about once a month).  She also harassed me, hit me, argued with me
about everything, made me want to stay away from my home, made me very
sad and miserable about our relationship -  she would cut me down all
the time - told me how I had no common sense, pointed out all my
mistakes, told me I was ugly and fat, told me that my family consisted
of a bunch of alcoholic, gun-toting child abusers, told me that I was a
terrible parent, told me that she hated me, told me that I didn't love
her, told me that I didn't love my children, told me that I was mentally
sick.   You know, I don't think I could have made it without her.