From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: A Letter I Wrote at Work  --  *SPOILER*
Date: 10 Jan 93 23:00:58 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Before I type in what I wrote, I need to but a major

****SPOILER WARNING****

here, because I was using some rather twisted logic when writing this.  (I
wrote it almost exactly 24 hours ago.)

<><><><><><>
  cut here
<><><><><><>

Hello,

     It's just me - whoever the fuck I am.  Before I continue, I *HAVE* to put
a pretty strong

   * BIG - TIME SPOILER WARNING *

     Krikket's freaking, and 6-3-0 is beggining to take over.  NO!  I want to
remember this.  Don't fad to far 6-3-0, for while I need control, I need to
lean on your strengths...  I'm scared.  I just read the chapter on "Randi
Taylor" in _The_Courage_To_Heal_ and memories flood back.  I never abused, but
my mentality was halfway there at one point due to my innocence and
mis-preceptions of the world.

     I remember a conversation with an ex-so (who I've lost touch with, since
she moved to Texas.  Now I can't call and apologize, and correct incorrect
reinforcements I gave her.  :(   )  But memories I can't fix flood back.  Women
have a *RIGHT* to a sexuallity that's not 100% based on her partner, and a
men's sexuallity doesn't need to be based 100% on her...  I was wrong, but I'll
never be able to say so. Debbie, if you get this message wherever you might be
now, please forgive me!  I plead youth and ignorance.  And Doug is still
willing to play the good Xitan when nessesary.

     Current mess.  Hence spoiler.  As I've said before, I have a crush on a
couple females.  Or something like that.  A couple really good friendships but
my feelings are stronger than that.  One of 'em is 6 years younger than I, and
currently a minor.  I've done no more than express love, and *NEVER* gone where
I wasn't wanted.  I even asked if she'd rather things were simplier, by my not
having those emotions.  No, keep them, I was told. But I still sometimes wonder
if I'm somehow causing damage.  Or if I caused Teri damage.  I *KNOW* I didn't,
and that I haven't done anything wrong.

     I still worry and wonder.  But I can't fix the past, nor even contact many
of the people.  They've left forever, and I merely sit here writing this.

     Hello.  6-3-0's fully resend and accounted for. I (he) am writing this.  I
don't have the knife, but I do have a lit cigerette.  Breif contact causes
pain, and no burn marks.  But I want to scar and to bleed.  I'm in pain, and
you can't see it.  I want visual confirmation.

     I was happy/releived on New Year's when someone noticed the cut marks for
the first time.  Someone actually noticed and cared.  Someone saw me as I am,
and still cares.  Wow.

     Cool.  I made a mark dispire the pain reflex. I can control my body of I
work at it.  Thank goddess!

<><><><><><>
  cut here
<><><><><><>

I remember looking at the marks a couple of hours later, and seeing that the
burn mark had dissapeared.  Just as I typed this letter in, I checked my wrist
and arm, out of habit, and I saw two burn marks that I don't recall.  Well, one
mark assumming I somehow missed one earlier on after noticing it.

I'm loosing time again, it seems.  This time it's beggining to scare me, rather
than being something I welcome.  (Yes, I've welcomed the losing of time before,
as it's less that I actually have to live through...)

<><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  anon.77@pax.tpa.com.au

  "You'll pay to know what you really think."  J. R. "Bob" Dobbs