HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: 00pebenson@bsu-ucs.uucp (Etrigan)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Riddle
Date: 8 Apr 92 15:51:00 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-ucs.1992Apr8.105101.5843

In article <900344a.702358553@aucs>, 900344a@aucs.acadiau.ca (Stephen A. Archibald) writes:
> 
> Here's an old one.
> 
>  What can go up a chimney when it is down, but cann't go down
>  a chimney when it is up.

Santa Claus with a handy-dandy, ACME Anti-Grav belt on

-- 
_____________________________           |            _________________________
00PEBENSON@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu |          |           | Paul-Jon Benson          |
-----------------------------|          |           | Wagoner Complex  Box 213 |
"More than I want the        | ========   ========  | The Indiana Academy      |
Nazarene's heart on an ivory |           \          | for Science, Mathematics,|
platter...More than I want to|             \        | and Humanities           |
bathe in angel's blood while |       \     /        | Ball State Campus        |
the Lord of Hosts drowns in  |         \ /          | Muncie, IN  47306        |
banshee's excrement . . .     --------------------------------------------------
I want YOU, Constantine."  --The First of the Fallen,  `HELLBLAZER'|     
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Xref: sparky rec.humor:16290 alt.fan.monty-python:2860
From: maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Date: 13 Apr 92 06:28:51 GMT
Organization: Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO  80523

In article <dragon.702842012@camelot> dragon@camelot.bradley.edu (Matthew Korth) writes:
>In <8a2XiB1w164w@bluemoon.rn.com> dougger@bluemoon.rn.com (Doug Stevenson) writes:
>
>>dragon@camelot.bradley.edu (Matthew Korth) writes:
>
>>> In <1992Apr08.060333.45618@yuma.acns.colostate.edu> maxwell@lamar.ColoState.E
>>> 
>>> >In article <dragon.702618622@camelot> dragon@camelot.bradley.edu (Matthew Ko
>>> >>In <1992Apr06.051634.41805@yuma.acns.colostate.edu> maxwell@lamar.ColoState
>>> >>
>>> >>>In article <1992Apr6.010309.10819@nic.unh.edu> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rin
>>> >>>>>>>I've told you once...
>>> >>>>>> No, you haven't.
>>> >>>>>Yes I have.
>>> >>>>No, I haven't.
>>> >>>This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
>>> >>No it isn't.
>>> >You just contradicted me!
>>> No I didn't!
>>This is futile!
><pause>
>No it isn't.
Yes, it is!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: hucke@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Matt Hucke)
Subject: Re: Where have all the Apple jokes gone?
Keywords: Apple, Macintosh
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 17:51:15 GMT

In article <1992Apr8.135245.28203@escom.com> al@escom.COM (Al Donaldson) writes:
>In article <1992Apr7.090836.8295@jyu.fi> em@jyu.fi (Erkki Mattila) writes:
>>I need quickly a few good and relatively short Apple (Macintosh) jokes. 
>
>Q - What's the difference between a Macintosh and an Etch'n'Sketch?
>A - You don't have to shake the Macintosh..

The best way to accelerate a macintosh: 9.8 meters/sec^2. 

Mostly Always Crashes
Maybe A Computer
Crapple


-- 
        Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche.
                      hucke@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu
                      Gene Roddenberry 1921-1991
From: veitch@vxcrna.cern.ch (Liz Veitch)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons wanted...
Date: 9 Apr 92 15:21:00 GMT
Distribution: rec.humor
Organization: European Organization for Nuclear Research, CERN
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

Military intelligence
Xref: sparky rec.humor:16110 alt.fan.monty-python:2709
From: djohnson@cayenne.gac.edu (Daniel P Johnson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Date: 9 Apr 92 23:07:25 GMT
Article-I.D.: cayenne.DJOHNSON.92Apr9180725
Organization: Fallen Prey to Entropy
In-reply-to: bfh@b15.b15.ingr.com's message of 8 Apr 92 21:56:25 GMTLines: 50

In article <1992Apr8.215625.7686@b15.b15.ingr.com> bfh@b15.b15.ingr.com (Burgess Howell) writes:

  Mr. Howell!!  You got off the Island!

.In <1992Apr6.144359.4349@news.Hawaii.Edu> tholen@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Dave Tholen) writes:

.>>>>> >I've told you once...
.>>>>> 
.>>>>> No, you haven't.
.>>>>Yes I have.
.>>>No, you haven't.
.>>I'm sorry but your time is up, That will be $5.

.>What?!?  That was never five minutes!

.STOP! STOP! STOP!  You're in the wrong newsgroup.  Kindly take this to
.a.f.m-p.

But we don't like this here, either?!?

.P.S. I don't argue in my spare time.  There.  The punch line is out and
.you can all go back to your own group where you can be...

I thought the punchline was 'My brothers a stewardess, so the *goat*
*can't* *fly*'!!!  [APPLAUSE sign flashes]



















				. LUMBERJACKS!

Oh.  That hurt.  Really.  I mean it.


Dan aka Skipper?  Mary Ann?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: sick and digusting sheep jokes wanted
From: clark@crfm.gen.nz (Clark Mills)
Date: 12 Apr 92 19:07:16 GMT
Organization: Household UNIX, Auckland, New Zealand

rxkgt@minyos.xx.rmit.oz.au (George Tzanatos) writes:
: Why do NZ women exist?
:   Sheep can't cook.
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dunno about that, they go very well with mint jelly!  :-)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: tadg@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Tad Gralewski)
Subject: Re: Steven Wright Jokes...add on!!
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 20:25:33 GMT

rubel0455@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:

>Steven Wright jokes...add your favorites:)
How about:

I have the world's largest Seashell collection...i have them scattered on
beaches all over the world.

I'm learning how to play the harmonica...but i cant blow through it
fast enough...so i have to get in my car and hold it out the window.

Nice night for an evening, huh?

I put another engine in my car, exept I forgot to take the other one out...
now I can go nine-hundred miles per hour...the harmonica sounds amazing....

Every once and a while, I like to go over to the window, look up, and
smile for a Satelite picture.....

The other day i mistook my Garage door opener for the TV Remote.  The
screen opened and there were little rakes and hoes hanging on the wall...
> 
> "i have a circular driveway...i can't get out..."
> "i went to a general store...couldn't get anything specific."

> 
> I went to a restaurant that had a sign that said "Breakfast Any Time."
>  I ordered pancakes in the Rennaisance.

>I have a box of instant water at home...problem is I dont know what to add..

>When shooting a mime should you use a silencer?

>The other day I went to unlock the door to my house and I accidentally used my
>car key and started up my house...so I drove it around for awhile

>I parked it in the middle of the highway and yelled at everyone to get out of
>my driveway...

>A cop pulled me over and asked where I lived...I said right here...

>XENO

-- 
Tad Gralewski  --UIUC	   | "There's a Fine Line Between
tadg@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu      |  Fishing and just Standing on
Microcomputer Consultant   |  the Shore like an Idoit..."
Student Instructor         |    --Stephen Wright
From: toney@kenyon.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: BOT
Date: 11 Apr 92 11:41:10 GMT
Organization: Kenyon College

WHY DO ARAB SHEEP HERDSMEN NEVER WEAR PANTS OR SUITS??

'CAUSE SHEEP CAN HEAR A ZIPPER A MILE AWAY!!!!


CHEERS!!
DOM FROM KENYON
From: barryg@hplsla.hp.com (Barry Gunn)
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 1992 15:51:48 GMT
Subject: Re: Wayne's World
Organization: HP Lake Stevens, WA
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>/ hplsla:rec.humor / jdale@nsfuvax /  7:17 pm  Mar 27, 1992 /
>In article <1992Mar27.165459.21830@news.iastate.edu>, ddkilzer@iastate.edu (David D Kilzer) writes...
>>In article mcsweinberg@memstvx1.memst.edu writes:
>>>In article cheese@next05wor.wam.umd.edu (Fletch F. Fletch) writes:
>>>> In article <1992Mar26.101642.454@ualr.edu>  writes:
>>>>> In article <9203252207.aa04682@Bonnie.ics.uci.edu>,  
>>>> mmcguire@Bonnie.ICS.UCI.EDU writes:
>>>>> >Way
>>>>> NO way! (I couldn't help myself! :)
>>>> Excellent...
>>>Party on Garth, Party on Wayne!
>>All right!  Okay!!!
>She's a Babe!  
If she were president, she'd by Babe-raham Lincoln.
From: skitchen@pica.army.mil (D. Scott Kitchen (CCAC) <skitchen>)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: April fool's day jokes?
Summary: More Radio Follies
Date: 8 Apr 92 21:24:42 GMT
Organization: I just work here...really!

In article <1992Apr7.134620.17684@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> mtf39190@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Michael T Freeman) writes:
>dat113c@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au writes:
>
>>Did anyone hear of any funny April fools day jokes/stunts.
>
>>Well, let's hear 'em!
>

When I wake up in the morning, I listen to a radio station in Sussex County,
NJ.  When I woke up April Fool's morning, my radio's playing polka music,
and I'm going, "What the heck is that noise?"  They claimed that they'd gone
to an all-polka format because of a request from management.  I know I got
the joke, but several of the people who called in didn't...

It was slightly amusing...

-- 
Scott Kitchen           | GM, Kitchen Sinkers       | ICBM: 40.88 N|
skitchen@pilot.njin.net | GM, Picatinny Mad Bombers |       74.56 W|
--------------------------------------------------------------------     
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
From: cnmst2@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Charles N May)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Two math jokes (not about powers of 2!)
Summary: Complex Math joke, and
	 the Physicist, the Engineer, and the Mathematician
Date: 13 Apr 92 20:36:48 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Pittsburgh, Computing & Information Services

Overheard in a unit on Complex Analysis:

   Q: Did you hear what Cauchy's dog did?
   A: He left a residue at every pole!
-----
Overheard in a unit on the philosophy of mathematics:

   A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asked the
same question: "What's 3 times 3?"

   The physicist, quick to respond, said "Oh, about ten."

   The engineer grabbed his calculator, punched a few buttons, and
said "The answer is nine."

   The mathematician got an intrigued look on her face. After an hour
of scribbling on the blackboard and much consternation, she emerged in
triumph: "There is a solution, and it is unique!"
-----
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ehowe@dip.eecs.umich.edu (Ed Howe)
Subject: Re: Nifty prank
Organization: University of Michigan EECS Dept., Ann Arbor
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 15:33:06 GMT

We had this guy here at work working on a new version of 'finger' on UNIX.
(Why? I don't know.)  So somebody else went and placed the line 'segmentation
fault, core dumped' at the end of their .plan file.  It took him _days_ to
figure out why his finger program always failed on that one account!
-- 
ehowe@eecs.umich.edu
From: guptaa@.alleg.edu (Godfather)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: We've been wrong all this time!
Date: 6 Apr 92 08:07:11 GMT
Organization: Allegheny College

In article <1992Apr6.031936.2023@research.canon.oz.au>  writes:
|
|From a "Kellog's Rice Bubbles Intergalactica Space Kit Space Race"
|(included in a packet of Rice Bubbles)...
|
|
|	Far Out Facts
|
|	Did you know that Haley's Comet, last seen in 1986,
|	travels at fifty times the speed of light? ...
|
|
|What does this mean about the nutritional information on the packet!
|-- 
|Andy Newman (andy@research.canon.oz.au)

That it's far out MaN!!!!

--
<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>/\<>\/<>
        			~~~~~~~~~guptaa@alleg.edu~~~~~~~~~~~
     o				My friends call me ______..in a nutshell.
 ___/(\/	I call myself a spaced out wasted entity existing in an
     <\		astract reality of unreal proportions.......	 
     " "......Touche pussycat!!
From: lag@reef.cis.ufl.edu (Laurence Gordon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Gay Joke -- VERY OFFENSIVE !!!
Date: 7 Apr 92 01:14:21 GMT
Organization: Univ. of Florida CIS Dept.

Q. Why are fags always the first to leave a hotel in the morning.














A.  Because they pack their shit the night before!



-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
lag@reef.cis.ufl.edu           |           Gators football - #1 in SEC!
Crash@maple.circa.ufl.edu      |         FSU sucks!!   NCAA still sucks!!
Laurence Gordon                |     Steve Spurrier a football coaching deity!
205 SW 75th St. Apt. 10B       |===============================================
Gainesville, FL 32607          |                Whalers in '92
(904) 331-7889                 |              Ditto for the Braves
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
'No generalization is worth a damn, including this one' - Will Rogers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
From: mjln_ltd@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Mikeey Jean Lin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Letter from IRS
Date: 17 Apr 92 03:03:12 GMT
Organization: University of Rochester - Rochester, New York

In <1992Apr17.013131.23225@newshub.sdsu.edu> vagus@saturn.sdsu.edu (Alexander Vagus) writes:

>WARNING !!!!!
>Some people may find the following offensive, and if you are one of
>those please skip it.





















>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>To:       All Male Taxpayers
>From:     Internal Revenue Service
>Subject:  Increased Tax Payments

>The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is your pecker.

>This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed
>30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up and 10% of 
>the time it is employed. But it operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has
>two dependents and they are both nuts.

>Accordingly, after March 1, 1992, your pecker will be taxed based on its
>size, using the "Pecker Checker Scale" bellow. Determine your category and
>insert the additional tax under "other taxes, page 2, part V. line 61 of 
>your standard Income Tax return.

>                    PECKER CHECKER SCALE
>                 -----------------------------
>10-12 inches          Luxury Tax                 $50.00
> 8-10 inches          Pole Tax                   $25.00
> 6-8  inches          Privilege Tax              $15.00
> 4-6  inches          Nuisance Tax               $ 5.00

>NOTES:
>Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund
>Please do not ask for an extension
>Males with a pecker in excess of 12 inches should file under Capital Gains
>If unsure of your correct category, call our office and we will send out a
>Pecker Meter 
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Regards,
>Alexander Vagus || vagus@saturn.sdsu.edu

>Standard disclaimer applies.
> 

	Hmmm... gee... HEY!!! This is discrimination! Only the male
population is being taxed! I demand seeing an equal treatment tax.


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From: lah014@cck.coventry.ac.uk (Richard J. Marshall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A message from someone else (Re: hmmmm)
Date: 8 Apr 92 14:28:22 GMT
Organization: abUSENET, Coventry Polytechnic, Coventry, UK

In article <05ghb0yd@cck.coventry.ac.uk> lah014@cck.coventry.ac.uk (Richard J. Marshall) writes:
>From epiec@uk.ac.pcl.sun Wed Apr  8 15:13:18 1992
>Received: from mink.sun.pcl.ac.uk by badger.sun.pcl.ac.uk; Wed, 8 Apr 92 15:14:30 BST
>From: Antonio Michael <epiec@uk.ac.pcl.sun>
>Subject: Re: hmmmm
>Newsgroups: rec.humor
>Organization: Polytechnic of Central London
>Cc: epiec@uk.ac.pcl.sun
>Status: OR
>
>Is it REALLY?  It's my 21st on Saturday!!!  Everyone mail me a birthday card!!
>
>Does any one know any good birthday card/birthday jokes????
>
>##############-###------------------  epiec@uk.ac.pcl.sun  ------------------
>   ## #  # # #_# # "I wish there was a knob on my TV to turn up intelligence.
>#  ## #### #  #  # There's one called brightness but it doesn't seem to work"
>-###--#--#-#-----#- DISCLAIMER:- I talk shit, ignore me, everyone else does.-
>
>___
>Jam
>~~~
>

It's their birthday then. However, I am 20 tomorrow. Election day over here.
What a joke!!!
-- 
|""\  .    |    |   lah014@cck.cov.ac.uk    | Flat 2, 48 Middleborough Road,
|__/  .  _ |_   |---------------------------|Coventry, West Midlands, CV1 4DE
|  \  | (_ | |  | Year 2, Modern Languages, |--------------------------------
but only by name|    (French and German)    |I'll be abroad Sept 92 - July 93
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: vsnyder@math.jpl.nasa.gov (Van Snyder)
Subject: Re: my favorite...
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 16:57:51 GMT

This is one of those riddles of the form: Pick a number,
double it ... The answer is three, right?
--------------------------------------------------------
Write the first three words Jack heard when he got off
the beanstalk (at the top):

[Fee, Fie, Foe]

Choose any two of these three, and write them down also, e.g.

[Foe, Fee]

Choose any two of these five and write them down, e.g.

[Fie, Foe]

Do you recognize it?  Try saying it out loud, e.g.

[Fee Fie Foe]
[Foe Fee]
[Fie Foe]

Still don't recognize it?

It's Buckwheat's phone number!
-- 
Van Snyder = vsnyder@math.jpl.nasa.gov
From: abas@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Jasem Alhumoud)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A found riddle!
Date: 10 Apr 92 14:29:57 GMT
Organization: University of Pittsburgh

In article <1992Apr8.145729.23806@ringer.cs.utsa.edu> rhatch@ringer.cs.utsa.edu (Richard Hatch) writes:
>In article <1992Apr6.112228.20694@cns.umist.ac.uk> jw@cns.umist.ac.uk (Jon Wells) writes:
>>rdc8@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Robert D Castro) writes:
>>
  What is a number that starts with the letter "A"?

       88   atey ate.


   What number starts with the letter "W"?

       1   "won".


      Jasem (Dr. J.)
From: sly9y@cc.usu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Humorous euphamisms for screwing...
Date: 9 Apr 92 11:21:44 MDT
Organization: Utah State University

In article <1992Apr09.011847.2052@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>, ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Eric Huppertz) writes:
> Does anyone have any humorous euphamisms for "doing the nasty?"
> Here are a few I can think of for starters:
> 
> The Mattress Mambo
> The Horizontal Hucklebuck
> A Poke in the Whiskers
> The Tubestick Boogie 
Mattress marathon
playing hide the salami

> 
> and my personal favorite (and original, too!):
> Hiding the Hooded Hodad. 
> 
> -Eeeeeeric 
> -- 
> Eric J. Huppertz, Systems Manager | "I turned my air conditioner around and it
> Daily Vidette, Illinois State U.  |  got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't 
> ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu     |  understand, it was supposed to be 80  
> (309) 438-8565                    |  today,' and I said 'Oops.'"  -S. Wright
From: shaun@isr.recruit.co.jp
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: 1-800 Number in USA for Polish Jokes
Date: 9 Apr 92 05:41:04 GMT
Organization: ?
Originator: shaun@axon

Did you hear about the 1-800 number for Polish jokes?  Just dial:

	1-800-POL-ACKQ

If you like it, please tell your friends!

Shaun
From: scott@asd.com (Scott Barman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: "Make like a..."
Date: 15 Apr 92 14:39:59 GMT
Organization: American Software Development Corp., W. Babylon, NY

In article <1992Apr10.170046.1959@yogi.hsc.ucalgary.ca> steve@yogi.hsc.ucalgary.ca writes:
>>>>>>>Make like the wind and blow.
>>>>>>Make like a tree and leave.
>>>>>>Make like a fetus and head out.
>>>>>>I'm off like a dirty shirt.
>>>>>I'm off like a prom dress.
>>>>Make like a banana and split.
>>>>Make a hockey player and get the puck outta here.
>>>Make like a drum and beat it.
>> Make like horse shit and hit the trail.
>Make like a bird a flock off.
Make like sheep and go flock off.
Make like dandruff and flake off.
-- 
scott barman			|            LET'S GO METS!
scott@asd.com			|            LET'S GO METS!
				|            LET'S GO METS!
 (I can barely speak for myself, you expect me to speak for my employer??)
From: kurts@hpnmdla.sr.hp.com (Kurt Strain)
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 23:38:47 GMT
Subject: Re: Sam Kinnison
Organization: Milky Way Galaxy
Newsgroups: rec.humor

There's one silver lining about the death of Sam Kinnison:  Now we don't 
have to listen to him anymore.
From: maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Date: 7 Apr 92 23:53:37 GMT
Article-I.D.: yuma.1992Apr07.235337.44190
Organization: Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO  80523

In article <32146@darkstar.ucsc.edu> gross@cats.ucsc.edu (Mike Gross) writes:
>>In article <1992Apr6.010309.10819@nic.unh.edu> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
>>>>>>I've told you once...
>>>>> No, you haven't.
>>>>Yes I have.
>>>No, I haven't.
>>This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
>No, it isn't.    
You just contradicted me!
From: johnson@spectra.com (boyd johnson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: >>>> Indian ethic joke...
Date: 6 Apr 92 17:03:53 GMT
Article-I.D.: spectra.1992Apr6.170353.27089
Organization: Spectragraphics Corporation

>>p Tilak Vashi) writes:
>>>>
>>>>I've been reading the rash of Polish/Italian/Irish jokes.  What I've never 
>>>>heard is a good Indian (as in India) joke.  I'm Indian and no one has ever told B-
>>>Anyone else have any indian jokes.......

An old one I'll try not to botch up too bad.

Air India advertises very reasonable rates for Coach class.
They don`t serve any food, but they let you walk the aisles of First 
Class and beg.

-- 
========== Boyd Johnson	   nosc!spectra.com!johnson ==========
Xref: sparky rec.humor:15882 alt.fan.monty-python:2564