From: mptj@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Newsgroups: soc.culture.thai
Subject: Re: American Boy marries Thai Girl
Date: 6 Jan 93 23:22:41 EST
Distribution: soc
Organization: Cornell University

In article <16198@auspex-gw.auspex.com>,
tstil@Auspex.COM (Tim Stilwell) writes: 
> 
>     Sawasdee Khrup Tuk Kon.
> 
>  Next week, I will be traveling to Thailand to marry my sweetheart of two
>  years.  If you can find the time, I would appreciate any offerings of

>  I know that it is NOT necessary, but I would like to mention why I am
>  marrying her.  After all, most s.c.t readers are my friends and this IS

> 
>  		Reasons Why This American Will Marry This Thai
> 
> 	1. This Thai girl loves me.
> 	   I know this because of many things...

some sincere words from the heart deleted

> 	2. I love this Thai girl.
>            She is pretty.  She is smart.  She is talented.
>            Most of all, she is nice to me and everyone else.
>            (In America, we sometimes refer to "Generosity"
>             as the 8th deadly sin.  At last, I have found
>             someone who doesn't complain if I am generous.)
> 
> 	3. This Thai girl takes good care of her family.

more sincere words deleted

> 	4. Her family likes me.
>            Yes, they all do.  Well, maybe all.  I am still not
>            sure about her older sister.  The one who yelled at
>            me for a whole hour (I thought my ears would fall off)
>            because I asked if I could sleep over.  Boy was I
>            glad I did not understand most of what she said.  :-)
> 

It is good, as you said, that you know most of her family and that you admire
the fact that she cares for them well. Her older sister probably presented
fears that are readl, and if you care for her family I know you will be
considerate of those fears.


> 	5. This Thai girl is willing to learn about America.

That is also very good: You want to learn about her background, she wants to 
learn about yours- great.


> 	6. This Thai girl is willing to teach me about Thailand.

> 	7. This Thai girl is NOT interested in American citizenship.
>            This is a big relief.  If we stay married, she has the
>            opportunity to become a U.S. citizen and transport her entire
>            family to America.  But, she is not interested and neither
>            are they (her family).  Contrast that with the average Asian
>            in America desperately searching for someone to marry his/her
>            sister, mother, niece, cousin, whatever.  Always quick to 
>            say "Well, she sounds OK, but you just can't trust Thai
>            people.  But don't worry.  Let me show you a picture of my
>            relative that would be much better for you."  :-(

that is a good point, and I guess you could say that it reflects the fact that 
she is interested in YOU, not in an American citizenship


>          
> 	8. This Thai girl is NOT a snob!
>            She is very beautiful.  Wherever we go, Thai boys turn to
>            look at her as she walks by.  (And she's wearing pants?)  If 
>            we were in America, we would be holding hands and I might 
>            think they are looking at me.  But we are in Thailand, and 
>            I am always walking in front (I am the man) unless as usual, 

Just to shed light on something: Many Thais (probably your average person on 
the street) would immediately associate a Thai woman walking with a foreigner 
with prostitution. This creates a lot of stares when the two are walking 
down the street, and the stares are not ones of appreciation. By this I do not
mean to say that your wife to be is not as beautiful as you say she is or that 
people don't look at the two of you with admiration, but be prepared throughout 
your marriage life to be confronted by people who doubt whether your
relationship is sincere and catogorize you as a despicable farang with a
prostitute. Knowing this and being ready for it will help you understand
your wife's background and what you have to do to live hapily within it.



>            I don't know where I am going and she is strolling like 
>            "time is money" so I have to run to keep up.  Anyway, she 
>            is never ever rude to anyone.  And she doesn't write and ask 
>            for money or expensive gifts.  Basically, she is affordable.  :-)
> 

Your post has been filled with love so far. The word "affordable" is, I feel,
a little out of place.


> 	9. This Thai girl is NOT a robot!
>            She is able to think and act on her own.  We even date

> 	10. This Thai girl is skilled labor.
>             Well, semi-skilled.  OK.  Some might say unskilled.  But
>             she can clean house very well.  She is the best cook of
>             any girl I have ever met (Sorry Moddie).  Also, she likes
>             children and takes care of them and her family very well.
>             I have heard that she cleans clothes very well too, but
>             I don't know that yet.  She still says "Wash your own.
>             We aren't married yet."  :-(   When I think about how
>             she persuades me to do my own laundry and always give 
>             her money, I am afraid to let her work.  She has management
>             potential for sure!  :-( 	

Again, I think the sincere feelings you have so far expressed are in contrast
to this last item. Are you marrying a vacuum cleaner? Is that what you expect
your wife to be? What does that leave you, the electric outlet?


> 
> 	11. This Thai girl is still a virgin.
>             No fears about a part-time job as a prostitute.  Also,

That is a very biassed statement. Would you say it or consider it at all if
she were not Thai? If not, then your approach is very racist, and I don't
think she will appreciate your view of her as a lotus in a pool of mud,
as this is insulting to her culture and her country. Do you consider it normal
for men to say "Oh, my wife would never sleep with someone else for money.
That's why I married her, and that's what makes her different from all the
other women in the world." Is this what people in your social circle generally
say? Is this what you intend to say for the rest of your life? Do you need to
be sure she is a virgin in order to know that she will not sell her body?
Is the fact that you sense your mutual love not enough to make you certain of
that, just as you (I assume) are certain that YOU will not sell your body or be
unfaithful to her in any other way?

In other words, do you trust her less than you would an American woman, for 
whom you had exacly the same love, just because she is Thai?


>             she has saved herself for me.  I know how she feels about
>             herself and I know how she feels about me.  I am honoured!
> 	    But, this also means I have to teach her everything.
>             Boy am I glad that I took that Health class in college.  :-)


Please, don't keep us informed on how your sex life progresses and how well
you switch from the college student role to the teacher role. Your sex life
is yours and hers only, and exposing it, as you have started doing here, will
destroy the honour you say you fell towars her (and she towards you).

> 
>  This girl and this boy can do the unthinkable.  Learn from each other and
>  teach each other and their children to live comfortably in both worlds
>  (America and Thailand).  Why?  Because while it is true that each person
>  believes that there is only one good way to do anything (Thai way or
>  American way?), each is willing to observe a different way.  She shows
>  him a new way or he shows her a new way.  After observing these new ways,
>  nothing changes!  :-)  But, the first step has been taken.  Each is
>  willing to accept the idea that although there really is only one good
>  way to do anything, other ways are allowed.  Imagine how many wars would
>  not exist if other people were this tolerant!
> 
>  Khawp Khun Hai^ Gumlung Fung+ 
> 
>  tim
> 

That is good, but don't be overwhelmed with your rightuousness. I think you 
will find, and I have tried to point this out to you, that further thinking and
some time might make you ashamed of yourself, for not standing up to the
standards you thought you had. Love and marriage are personal and intimate, and
I understand that you want to tell all the world about your happiness. That is
great. But try to remember that YOU and YOUR WIFE are the most important people
in this issue.

Congratulations, and sorry if I seem to be a "know it all". I am not, and I
should sometimes take the same criticizm as I gave you here to put me back 
where I belong.

	Abi