Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: should I break up?
From: ecuckow@eagle.wesleyan.edu
Date: 31 Jul 92 10:18:43 EDT
Organization: Wesleyan University

Help! I'm in a confusing, upsetting situation, and it's all my fault. 

A quick synopsis:
	Last year I was in a relationship with M., a wonderful man, but we
broke up (mutually) in Oct. 1991. He was in Israel for seven months, and will
soon be back at school. I'm hoping we can be friends again.
	In Nov. 1991 I started dating E., a not-so-wonderful man. A bad
relationship topped off with the nastiest breakup I've ever had. Hopefully I'll
never see him again.
	A few weeks ago I met R., another wonderful man. (2 out of 3 is doing 
pretty well, I think.) We have seen quite a lot of each other in those weeks,
and I know that he is interested in a long-term relationship.

So what's the problem? There are two, mixed up together.

I started seeing E. at a time when (looking back, I know this) I should have
been by myself. I needed more time to get over M. but I didn't want to be alone
and there was an opportunity to be with someone...so... Unfortunately that
relationship with E. did a good job of decimating my self-esteem and
self-respect. (But I wasn't alone!) After that breakup in April, I decided that
I really needed time to heal, both from E. and still from M. 

And I was doing well. I was getting used to being alone with myself and
enjoying it. I was getting to know new people and rediscovering my old friends. 

Of course, when I met R., it seemed silly to pass up the chance to get to know
someone interesting. I enjoy his company, and there might sometime be a chance
that I would want to commit myself to a relationship. But NOT YET! But I also
enjoy the affection (and the physical stuff too, though that's been pretty
restrained.) It's just too soon to get involved again. I can't put him on a
shelf, though, and ask him to wait until I'm ready. I don't know how long that
will be.

Problem #1: I want to be with him and I don't. I bounce back and forth between
having a great time and feeling caught in a trap of my own making. (Didn't I
learn ANYTHING last time? Shouldn't I listen to my instinct and get out?) I'm
driving myself crazy.

Problem #2 (much much worse): I'm driving HIM crazy. This is a very sweet man
who has taken a lot of chances already (he had a nasty breakup too, worse than
mine). He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. (So why am I doing it?
Because I'm selfish. :( Ugh.) He's told me that it has to be all or nothing. I
can't (don't want to) give him all, a committed relationship, so shouldn't I
break up with him and stop confusing him?

This is the first time I've been the heartbreaker rather than the break-ee.
(Not that he will be heartbroken, but he will be upset. I hate making people
unhappy.) It's very unpleasant, though it's giving me some insight. I do not
want to hurt him, but I don't want to get myself into something I'm not ready
for and would regret later. 

Sigh. I guess I know what I should do, I just don't want to do it. I hope this
has been reasonably coherent, and I apologize for being so long. If you can
give me any advice or ways to make this easier for both of us, I'd appreciate
it. 

- Elizabeth
email to: ecuckow@eagle.wesleyan.edu

I'm too depressed to have a .sig