From: smile1@dancer.cc.bellcore.com (gray,david l)
Subject: Re: Itemized accounting of child support
Organization: Bellcore, Livingston, NJ
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 21:09:21 GMT

In article <1993Jan07.000649.6730@xenitec.on.ca> merce@xenitec.on.ca (Jim Mercer) writes:
>In article <gmTywB2w165w@oneb2.almanac.bc.ca> lisa@oneb2.almanac.bc.ca writes:
>>I'm curious, you stated in an earlier post that "divorce had ruined your
>>relationship with your daughters" and that you prayed "to God to keep them
>>safe." How is it that you apparently respect and communicate well with your
>>ex, yet you say your divorce ruined your relationship with your daughters?
>>It seems to me that *divorce* in itself doesn't ruin relationships with our
>>children, we do.
>>Children have got to be the most forgiving group of people on the face of this
>>earth, when it comes right down to it.  So please explain how it is that you
>>and your ex are apparently so mature and respectful and tolerant in your
>>relationship with each other, yet your relationship with your daughters is
>>"ruined".

I was extremely involved with my daughters when I was a live in dad.  We
spent a lot of time talking about a lot of things.  My ex-wife convienced
them that I left them, not her.  During our battle they ended up getting
very hurt and blamming me.

I see them often now and fly them down to see me when ever time will permint.
I also drive up to see them as often has they have time for me and I have
never missed a play or anything else that they are involved in.  
However, it has really never been the same.  For many people they would 
consider my relationship good.  I don't.  I expected to have much more 
involvement than I do.  I enjoyed teaching them to play instruments and
helping them with their math or taking them to their modeling jobs.

As for reall authority, I have none.  One year my ex-wife decided to let
my 14 year old daughter date a second year college student.  You can guess
his age.  They would not tell me.  I was powerless to do anything about it.
Since then, my wife has at least stopped that kind of thing with my
youngest.  They have also decided in their life that God they can apply just
when they feel like it and anything goes.  I really don't think that is 
a message that we set when we were married but, now I cann't do a thing about 
it.  In my home, as a child, my parents would not have stood for it.  Thank God!
Anyways, if thats what my parents wanted, it is exactly what happened.
Now if I force the issues, they just send me my airline tickets back.  Its
kind of funny.  Many kids don't have a dad to take them to church or the
money to fly them anywhere, never mind for a weekend to horseback ride and
to give God the time and respect he diserves.  I really never thought that I 
would end up with these challenges.

I don't want anyone to think that overall my ex hasn't grown a lot and done
a fine job raising my two daughters in many other aspects.  She has!!!
But there should have been a balance when one could see clearer than the
other. In the begining it didn't happen.  We get along much better now
but it still isn't the same.  She conciders the children hers, PERIOD.  And
my children think of me as something other than a parent as it used to be.

For the most part my oldest is now in college and parenting is a far different
deal anyways.  I don't expect to have the kind of influence I think I need
back when she was 14.  The younger one has settled with the view that her
mother is her parent and forcing the issues make our relationship worse. 
Therefore, I work through her mother.  All in all we are all missing a lot.
I really feel that both of my children are going to loose out on the things
they need from a dad.

Smile,

Dave
Xref: sparky alt.dads-rights:3135 alt.child-support:4089 soc.men:22093