From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: late at night
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 15:58:07 GMT

anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes:


>-longish post to follow-

>hi

>it's early in the morning and i'm scared....
>i'm really sad again...and very confused.  I want to call someone to
>talk but i don't want to bother anyone. i've been lurking for
>awhile..just watching, testing if you will. i don't know what i'll say,
>and i don't know if ya'll want to hear but i hope you will.

>************Spoiler (i think maybe i don't quite get the meaning of it)
>            *********General Confusion**************

>I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
>but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
>then there would be no turning back.
>What if i'm wrong

then you say "oops" and move on.  but i don't think you're wrong.  and deep
down, i don't think you think you're wrong either.

>Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. i don't want to use my
>name cause you might know me, or them. Some people can't know things,
>they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You don't talk
>outside the family...you never go against the family.....you don't shame
>the family

why on earth would you make it up?  time after time, we find that this is not
the sort of thing that people make up.  i understand believing that you can't
talk about it outside the family.  my perp told me not to tell because my mom
would be mad.  of course, he didn't tell me that she'd be mad at *him*.  but
why *shouldn't* you talk about it outside the family?  why protect them any
longer?  they seem to have hurt you a lot, and in my mind, this dissolves any
obligation you may have had towards their protection.  but i know that it's
scary.  don't rush yourself, but please, consider the possibility.

>Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
>they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
>and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
>break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?

>I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
>want to be good but i can't. I have thoughts and then the memories come
>back and i remember how gross i am.

oh, that can't be true!  i could believe that what was done to you was dirty,
vile, disgusting, and will bever be good.  but i cannot believe that that makes
*you* gross and horrible.  please try and hold on to the times when you do look
in the mirror and see a beautiful person.  i suspect that those times are far
closer to the truth than others.

>I am a child....in some ways. A
>little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't ready when it happened, does
>this make sense?

it makes lots of sense.  it makes perfect sense.  it makes, sadly, too much
sense.  i'm sorry all these bad things have happened to you.  i really have
hope, though, that you will come through it all and be ok in the end.

>The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last
>year.  I admit that i most likely brought it on myself(even though i
>know i'm ot supposed to say that) 

you're right.  you're not.  it's never the victim's fault.  if you believed
that you had to do whatever you said, then look at *why* you believed that.
i'd put money on it being due to the brainwashing done to you as a child.  it's
an ugly word, brainwashing, but that's what i consider it to be when someone
lies to and manipulates a child, taking all their power of choice away,
stealing their self image, and dumping undeserved feelings of guilt and shame
on them.  it wasn't your fault.  how could it be?

>But the thing is that i'd never really
>had a boyfriend. I don't know what's supposed to happen. You have to do
>whatever he says right? he knew i didn't understand, that i needed to be
>taught. 

no, you don't have to.  you can do *or not do* whatever you want with your
body.  it's yours.  and if he knew that you needed to be treated with
gentleness and slowness, and he didn't, then it's his fault.  he trampled
across your boundries for his own reasons.  that's certainly isn't your fault.

>he taught me how to hate myself even more than i already did. He
>taught me how to hate sex, even the idea of it, and he taught me how to
>be afraid of people. Maybe i shouldn't blame only him. Maybe it was the
>straw that broke the camels back. i don't know. Now i'm still a child, a
>19 year old child who want's to be loved. But i think that anyone who
>wants me wants me only for my body..therefore it is rare that i really
>let anyone inside. Whenever i do they seem to hurt me bad, therefore i
>don't do it much anymore. 

well, i don't know if this will help, but:  i don't have any idea where you
are, or who you are, or what your body looks like.  and i want you to stick
around.  i want you to post more of your honest words that you may start
healing.  i can't possibly want you for your body, but i am interested in what
your mind has to say.

>I'm lonely.

i hope asar can help you be a little less lonely, at least until you are ready
for real friends in the real world.  i remember the lonliness, and i hated it.
and i remember when i started to make real friends, and how good that felt.  it
does get better, i promise.  but it's not easy going all of the time.

>i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
>i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
>someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
>direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now

i wouldn't dream of rejecting you.  this is the mixed welcome of asar.  i'm
sorry you need our help, but i'm glad you have found it.  

>thanks

you're welcome.  i hope i've helped a little bit, anyway.
-- 
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