From: bc@apple.com (bill coderre)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,rec.autos
Subject: Entertainment for Pigs
Date: 23 Jul 92 16:31:59 GMT
Organization: Apple Computer Inc, Cupertino, CA


I drove BillBill to the airport, and on the way back drove as fast as
the aluminum, air-cooled 145 cid flat six would go. The speedo pins at
100, so I don't bother counting anymore. Just stick a big rock on the
accelerator, turn up the radio real loud, and change lanes at will.

Something about racing down the banked highway with the top down at
night, just leaning back, looking at the stars, is so relaxing and
fulfilling. Almost as good as sex with someone you think is far too
wonderful for the likes of you, it leaves you with a sense of rare
self-worth.

So it was no surprise that God would get even with me for having such
fun.

As I pulled off the highway onto El Monte Road in Los Altos, one of
those fine upstanding communities where the housing prices are
artificially high and the speed limits are artificially low, I saw the
cop making the U turn (illegal) at a light.

I drove exactly the posted limit (500 feet of 35 MPH, then 2 miles of
25 MPH) and for some reason the cop was tailgating me the entire time.

As I made the left out of Los Altos, the lights came on. I pulled
over, and waited for the fun to begin.

"You were weaving. Have you had any alcohol tonight?"

"Officer, I do not drink."

"You certainly act inebriated. Follow my finger. Your eyes are
weaving. I believe you are under the influence of some substance."

"Not a chance. I don't do drugs."

"Then why are your eyes weaving, red, and bloodshot?"

"Could it have something to do with your shining a powerful light in
them? Or is the fact that I've just driven from the airport with the
top down meaningful to you?"

"Show me your registration."

"Sure." I dig through the glovebox while the officer makes an
inventory of my car with the flashlight.

"Please wait."

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere."

After a few minutes, he returns, and starts chewing me out.

"You're acting very suspiciously. You were driving erratically. You
had to lock up your brakes at Foothill."

"Sorry to make you panic stop, officer, perhaps if you were following
me at a safe distance you wouldn't have to, but you and I both saw the
light at Foothill turn yellow for exactly two seconds. I figured
running a red light wasn't such a good idea with an officer of the law
tailgating me. And I don't lock my brakes up. My tires are too
expensive for me to afford it. The squealing you heard was your own
wheels, officer, with all due respect for the law."

"I wasn't following you! I was just happening to drive in the same
direction as you."

"Oh of course that would certainly have to be true."

He starts walking around the car.

"Why is there a rosebush stuck to your bumper? Are you sure you
aren't intoxicated?"

"It would be a blackberry bush, officer, since I had to back out
around my roommate's car earlier this evening. Which section of the
vehicle code does it violate?"

"There's no reason to be argumentative with an officer of the law.
Besides which, your license plate lamp is not functioning."

He had me.

"Sorry. I'm just easily rattled when a police officer is driving right
behind me for miles at a stretch."

"I wasn't following you!"

"You said that before."

"Well, seeing as how you live close by, I'm going to let you go on
condition that you fix your light."

"Thank you officer, have a pleasant evening."

I drove the rest of the way home cursing at the night air.

mr HEINOUS
planning to drive the same way tonight, with the back seat full of
thousands of snakes.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre