From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: To anon-1064 (holly)
Date: 18 Nov 92 19:16:40 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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18-Nov-92 17:41	ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU	Re: To anon-1064 (holly)
writes: 


>>Don't take this as a flame, but if some girl wanted to have a relationship
>>with me, don't you think she would have come up to me by now and asked?  I'm
>>reminded here of that friend of mine who got me into counseling.  He said the
>>only reason he was able to become successful at relationships was because
>>there was a girl who really liked *him* and took the initiative.  It made me
>>wonder why that sort of thing has never happened to me-- why no girl has ever
>>apparently been interested in me.  It made me feel unloved, but even worse,
>>it made me feel unlovable.  :-(
>>
>>The Captain
>>
>>
>
>*Please* don't take this wrong, BUT, maybe you've put up some pretty high
>barriers (to keep from getting hurt) and these barriers are off-putting
>to girls.  A lot of times people who are shy or have low self-esteem are
>distant.  This distance is often mistaken for snobbery or the *desire* to
>be left alone.
> 
>Probably if you're more relaxed and *smile* at them, some will smile back
>and be interested. How many girls have you asked out lately? Maybe someone
>is waiting for you to take the initiative.
> 
>From what I've read of your posts (I've been reading asar off and on for about
>4 months), you seem like a decent guy. *I'd* be happy to go out with you if
>you lived here in Charlotte! :)
> 
>Erin
 

I second that motion. When I was younger I was taking a class for
assertiveness (I know, it's hard to believe I ever kept my mouth shut *too*
much :) which ended with receiving a letter from the instructor telling us
individually what she felt were our strengths and weaknesses. I was floored
when I received mine and she had written that for the first two sessions she 
thought I was terribly conceited, but was pleased that when I finally opened
up I had a lot to offer. I thought I was merely maintaining a reserved
observers stance until I knew the group well enough to open up. Within the
next few years, I realized that that's what a lot of people thought. It made
no sense to me - I was a loner, I had nothing - how could they think I was
conceited? But they did.

Also, in answer to Captain's question, no, I don't think a woman attracted to
you would necessarily have approached you by now. Have you ever been attracted
to a woman and *not* asked her out? If a woman does not perceive interest on
your part, she won't take that risk. Especially as women don't generally take
the aggressor role. And when the interest is never evidently returned, the
interest wanes.

[Incidentally, does anyone else frequently feel they're being REALLY OBVIOUS
but the person in question doesn't pick up on it?]

Good luck, Captain. I admire the work you're doing.

						Anika



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