From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #514
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 10:14:26 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:13:56 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #514

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    514
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

509  35 votes  23ad7 225ga 6b954 67a93 75b1b 229h5 a9655 5dd22 11dd7 3d991
509  3.1 mean   3.6   3.9   2.7   2.9   3.1   3.6   2.6   2.5   3.7   2.8

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:03 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-01

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, oracle most wise,
> whose brain can reach the skies,
> whose voice is such sweet sound
> that my grovel must abound.
>
> What is going to happen in 1993?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A timely question indeed!
}
} The Oracle happens to have just received the scheduled outline of
} important events planned for 1993 by They.  (You know, They.  The
} all-powerful rulers of mankind.)  Here are some excerpts.
}
} January:  Bill Clinton and Al Gore sworn in.  George Bush goes
} home to Texas only to find that his hotel room/legal residence
} has been rented out for years by the Texas Democratic Party.
} Bush moves into a refrigerator crate near the docks in Houston.
} Mrs. Bush gets paying work as lead role in sitcom based on life
} of George Washington.  Dan Quayle becomes resident pro at
} Valparaiso, Indiana country club.
}
} February:  Chaos erupts in Punxawtawney, Pennsylvania as the
} Woodchuck Liberation Army storms the annual Groundhog Day ceremo-
} nies.
}
} March:  A talk.bizarre/rec.arts.startrek flamewar breaks out.
} The Imminent Death of the Net actually occurs.
}
} April:  Clinton gets important legislation passed requiring
} reinstatement of ancient feudal custom "droit du seigneur,"
} requiring all newly married brides to spend their wedding night
} with him.  Clinton passes on the ugly ones to Gore.  Gore begins
} writing book called "A Warm Pitcher of Spit Looks Pretty Good
} Right Now."
}
} May: Domino's Pizza opens first Moscow franchises.
}
} June: Domino's Pizza closes all Moscow franchises after most
} delivery boys are shot and killed by residents more interested in
} getting their hands on the nice red, white, and blue delivery
} trucks than on eating pizza.
}
} July:  Serbian militiamen invade Monaco, kill thousands, and set
} up concentration camps in casino parking lots.
}
} August:  "Oracle Day" declared national holiday in 188 countries,
} including the newest internationally-recognized nation, Detroit.
}
} September:  Clinton and Gore embroiled in wife-swapping scandal.
} Tipper claims she was brainwashed into sleeping with Bill by
} insidious, permissive hard rock lyrics.  Hillary says she prefers
} sex with someone who doesn't keep slipping up and calling her
} "Bambi" and "Muffy" in bed.
}
} October:  Chicago Cubs win World Series in stunning come-from-
} behind 4-3 victory over the Oakland A's.  Hell freezes over.
}
} November:  In a politically-motivated move timed to help Demo-
} cratic candidates in local and state elections, Bill Clinton
} sends U.S. troops into China to find out why they put so much MSG
} in take-out orders.
}
} December:  Elvis Presley found alive and well on small island in
} the Bermuda Triangle with Jim Morrison, Amelia Earhart, and Judge
} Crater.
}
} It's going to be an exciting year!
}
} You owe the Oracle 12 nudie pics of Paulina Porizkova for its
} calendar.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:04 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-02

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If God didn' make them little green apples, who did?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Scene: All is dark and void. Nothing can be seen, not even the
}            faintest of lights. Then, slowly, a scream can be heard far
}            off, getting nearer. It builds in intensity to the point of
}            being unbearable, and then a burst of white light fills the
}            vision. When the eyes adjust, the Universe is laid out on the
}            dark background, and a galaxy seems very close.
}
} [Enter GOD and archangels]
}
} God: So, what do you think?
}
} [There is a general murmur amongst the archangels, and, after about
}  fifteen seconds of indecision, the consenses is 'pretty good']
}
} God: [Aside] Ahem. Perhaps I'd better ask a more qualified opinion.
}
} [The Oracle melts into existance before God.]
}
} God: Well, Oracle, here is the Universe. What do you think?
}
} Oracle: [briefly examining the galaxies] By jove, I think you've got
}         it.
}
} [God blushes.]
}
} God: Well, there's one little thing that just won't work out.
}
} Oracle: What's that? [pause] Don't tell me you forgot to fix it
}         _again_?!?
}
} God: No, no, no, nothing like that. It's just... well, you know those
}      little black unripening fruit that we tried to get rid of in the
}      last go?
}
} [Oracle nods.]
}
} God: Well, they're still here. Kinda. [pause] They're now little green
}      unripening fruit.
}
} Oracle: Well... [mulling it over] I don't see any problems with them. I
}         mean, you made most of the other fruit turn green when it was
}         unripe, didn't you?
}
} God: Well, yes, but.. [pause] there's been a little side effect.
}
} Oracle: Side effect?
}
} God: Yes. The color change we needed seemed to cause the evolutionary
}      pattern of some minor races to change as well. We now have some
}      more small, brown, furry animals running around.
}
} Oracle: More? Big deal. There's already hundreds or thousands. All that
}         it needs is a name for its visit to Eden.
}
} God: Oh. Well, if that's all right then, we'll call it the... umm..
}      err... hrumph. Perhaps you could... err...
}
} Oracle: Jesus, God. I named over eighty percent of all the other
}         animals!
}
} God: Jesus? Hmm... No, doesn't sound right...
}
} Oracle: Well, what does the animal _do_?
}
} God: Technically? I think it chucks wood.
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle three hours of self-torture for dredging up such a
}                  _wonderful_ memory.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:06 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-03

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, I finally finished up with my undergraduate work, and was all
> set to enter The Real World. (I paid for five years of college so I
> wouldn't HAVE to grovel.)
>
> I was crossing the stage, and just as I got my diploma, this voice
> said, "CUT!  That's a wrap!"  All of a sudden, everyone just faded out,
> and now these guys are trying to take the stage away.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's what you get for majoring in Theatre Arts.
}
} You owe the Oracle the director's cut of your graduation ceremony.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:07 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-04

Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I am currently running Kernel Version 6.0.31.2.2 on a OS/2 server with
> DOS clients. Tools are:
>                                   Forms           3.0.16
>                                   ReportWriter    1.1.12
>                                   Plus            3.0.9
>                                   Menu            5.0.11
>                                   NetSPX          1.1.0.9
>
> I'm having problems enforcing constraints. What I'ld like to do is
> create table to enforce a Yes or No  ('Y','N') flag. Easy enough to do
> through SQL*Forms, but I'ld like to handle with a constraint.
>
> This is what I tried.
>          Create table A (FLAG char(1) primary key);
>
>          Insert into A values ('Y');
>          Insert into A values ('N');
>
>          Create table BB (Test Char(1) NOT NULL,
>                References A ( FLAG )
>                Constraint FLAG_CHK);
>
>          Insert into BB values ('F');  /* Should fail */
>                One row created;
>
> So, how can I improve my sex life?
>
> Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're using your kernels the wrong way.  Here's a better idea. Cut a
} hole in the bottom of a popcorn container next time you're at the
} movies with a date and put it in your lap.  Then try using the
} following form:
}
}             Create table PC (FLAG object(1) primary anatomy);
}
}             Insert into PC organ('male',bottom);
}             Insert into PC hand('female',top);   /*Should succeed*/
}
}                 One firm column created;
}
} You don't owe the Oracle any buttered popcorn.  Please...!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:08 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-05

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How the foot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Slowly but powerfully, in nice long strokes. mmm...Mmm!..oh oh oh oh Oh
} OH!!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:09 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-06

Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I become a mail-order bride?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mail-order bride is a thing of the past, let me pass onto you this
} commercial announcement from "GUYS R US":
} ------------------------------
}
} Tired of having that white wedding gown lying around the house? Tired
} of thinking you have met Mr. Right and he turns out to be Mr. Wrong?
}
} THEN WAIT NO MORE! Become an E-mail order Bride!
}
}  Just send $5 to GUYS R US and a SASE to:
}  GUYS R US
}  P.O. BOX 121-69
}  7 Adultery Avenue
}  Intercourse, Pensylvania
}  315007
}
}  We'll set you up with a Usenet account to be used in your local area
} in which thousands of netters can be a keyclick away. Here are some
} happy customers we have serviced in the past:
}
} aldacox@deathvalley.pms.usa
} gbushwacker@orgy.toga.bj
} gspot@climax.oh.my.god.fu
} bballbreaker@colorado.rockies.pain.scream.bd
}
}  Here's what you'll get:
}
} >Thousands of desperate netters who were turned down in
}  alt.personals.ads writing to you each and every day!
} >E-mail overflow headers making up 50% of your mailbox.
} >A visit from the one and only BOB
} >A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Usenet wrote by none other then
}  BIFF!!!11!!111!! (that k00l dude himself)
} >Hours of reading enjoyment
} >10 free eye exams (with free pair of glasses)
} >And MUCH MUCH MORE!
}
} You'll never have to wake up to morning breath, never have to make him
} breakfast, never have to worry if he's cheating on you if he stays
} extra long hours at work. Pick the best guy that suits you for that
} long distance relationship - simply let your fingers do the walking.
} Heck, pick two! Pick three! There's simply no limit once you become a
} E-mail order Bride!
}
}  We stand by our slogan of "If he doesn't say "I do" we won't say F.U!"
}
}  Ima Loser
}  (I'm not only the President, but I'm also a client)
}  ----------------------------
}
}  You owe the Oracle a yearly subscription to "Bride's Quarterly"
}                        -=*      *=-

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:11 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-07

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me all the secret steps to
> becomming President of the United States.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle herself is wise enough not to become President of the
} United States.
}
} But, since you asked....
}
} 1     Have an affair.  This guarantees media coverage and provides
}       you with much free publicity.  Make certain your partner is
}       of a sexual gender acceptable to most people, though!  And no
}       animals!  At least not in public.
}
} 2     Do something harmlessly illegal.  This will give the American
}       public something to think about without having them think
}       of all those other things you've done.  Smoking pot or having
}       a child in an S&L is good.
}
} 3     Buy a dark suit.  You can probably get some pretty good ones
}       used from former Presidents or IBM employees.  The object here
}       is to appear personally less boring than your clothing.
}
} 4     Don't forget that the essay questions are far more important
}       than the swimsuit competition.
}
} 5     Don't promise to develop world peace by the weekend.  That's
}       impossible.  Make promises you can keep, such as eliminating
}       the deficit by the weekend.
}
} These should be enough to get you started.  Remember, the better you
} look, the more you'll see.
}
} You owe the Oracle half your electors.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:12 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-08

Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most neato and spiffy Oracle, who can listen to days of Christmas
> carols on end without groaning, who knows why the heck kids stand in
> line for hours to talk to Santa, who can eat a whole turkey without
> gaining an ounce, and who is just an all-around spectacular guy, please
> tell me...
>
> What am I going to get for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What am I going to get for Christmas?"  "What am I going to get for
} Christmas?"  That's all I hear this time of year!  Well, I'm sick of
} it!
}
} ^Z
}
} % pick -search "What am I going to get for Christmas?" -seq smite
} 184285918597138182 hits
}
} % scan -format '%(friendly {from})' smite | sort | uniq > smite-em
}
} % ftp -i workshop.north-pole.gov
} Connected to workshop.North-Pole.GOV.
} 220-workshop.North-Pole.GOV FTP server (Ultrix Version 4.1 Mon Aug 27
} 220 19:11:56 EDT 1990) ready.
} Name (workshop.North-Pole.GOV:oracle): santa
} 331 Password required for santa.
} Password:
} 230 User santa logged in.
} ftp> ls -F
} 200 PORT command successful.
} 150 Opening data connection for /bin/ls (127.0.0.1,2416) (0 bytes).
} toys-manufacturing/
} toys-distribution/
} labour-relations-elves/
} labour-relations-reindeer/
} labour-relations-other/
} porno-gifs/
} porno-gifs-reindeer/
} blackmail-rudolph
} xtrek*
} good-boys-n-girls.list
} coal-getters.list
} ^C
} 426 Transfer aborted. Data connection closed.
} 226 Abort successful
} ftp> put smite-em coal-getters.list
} 200 PORT command successful.
} 150 Opening data connection for coal-getters.list (127.0.0.1,2425).
} 226 Transfer complete.
} local: smite-em remote: coal-getters.list
} 4257004772689 bytes sent in 58 seconds (68 Gbytes/s)
} ftp> bye
}
} % fg
} There!  That's done.  Now if I see another
}  7:58:   505 jsmith@ibm.com    Question #Qa27567<<What am I going to
}  get f
} que   ARRRRRGH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chill pill and some Holiday cheer.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:14 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-09

Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it that around christmas everybody has so much to do
> and so little time when in the new year nobody has much to
> do anymore until a few weeks before the next computer fair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, you have stumbled on one of the basic principles of
} human existence, namely, that all human life centers around two
} events--Christmas and Comdex.
}
} You may ask (and I'm sure you did) "why Christmas and Comdex?"  The
} answer to this is very simple indeed.  You see, Comdex is simply a
} reincarnation of Christmas for the techno-junkies.  A few years ago, as
} the IBM PC began to take a foothold on the world, many people began to
} lose control of their lives.  Now, I'm not saying that the IBM PC
} caused people to lose control of their lives, but the two events did
} happen at the same time.  Nay, but I digress...
}
} As the techno-junkies spent their lives working on inadequate solutions
} to inadequate problems, they would spend many days on end hiding in
} their offices writing 8088 assembly code with the hope of saving 1ns of
} computing time (no one actually considered that plugging the machine in
} would make it run *considerably* faster).  Things got so bad that they
} neglected their families and lost sight of the Christmas spirit
} entirely.
}
} That was why I have given mankind Comdex.  It represents a second
} Christmas for all the techno-junkies.  They all gather together and
} exchange gifts of information, renew friendships, and continue the old
} family feuds.
}
} For Christmas, you owe the Oracle an airline ticket to the next Comdex.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 10:14:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #514-10

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise and Wonderous Oracle, please tell me:
>
> My supervisor (2 levels up) is starting to annoy me.  Being superior in
> every way except job title to him, what should I do for revenge?
>
> Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wise man once said "You are no greater than the things that annoy
} you." However, this statement annoys me.  Which would imply that it is
} atleast as great as I, and since I am greater than all things, this
} presents a contradiction.  Therefore, this statement is false.
}
} Send you supervisor (2 levels up) an anonymous letter reading:
}
}       I know what you did.  We all know what you did,
}         and we're going to make you pay!
}
} Then snicker when he walks by your desk.  If by some miracle he should
} make a connection between your snickering and the letter, and calls you
} on it, deny responsibility by saying:
}
}         I have no idea.. ANYBODY could have sent it.
}
} You owe the oracle your next promotion.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #514
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle