From: anon-1005@twwells.com (Bones)
Subject: Dreams
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 06:16:53 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Bones here.......

Dreams:  My really deep depressions were triggered by family actions
and I would have an immediate altering of dream content or theme.
The common threads in the dreams would be needing to save a little
girl from sexual abuse and/or a horrible death, being forced to
move, or having all my possessions taken from me.  I have always
been able to help the little girl escape from the abusers and those
dreams have strengthened me.  The loss of possessions theme is much
worse because the smiles on their faces tell me they don't want my
`things'.  Their pleasure is in the act of taking from me.  They
want me to know I am nothing in their eyes.

These dreams were again triggered by mom's visit in July.

      *********************POSSIBLE SPOILERS*************************





Sexual abuse of the children in my family started way back with my
maternal great grandfather [if not before] and no one seemed to
care....except the kids of course.  My aunt told me of a time when she
tried to protect herself and got spanked for hitting the old man.  I
may have been the last of my generation to be abused by him but that
was told by my mom....a woman heavily into denial.  When I asked why
they didn't kick the old man out of the family, she said "they
couldn't because he was family".  I was also sexually abused by my
dad....it's difficult to leave this sentence in the message.  I always
remembered about my great grandfather but memories of my dad only
surfaced within the past few years.  It's still tempting to use doubt
as an escape from the memories.

The most destructive thing about all this for me was the emotional
abuse that ran rampant in our family.  A lack of respect for the
children made the sexual abuse possible and it also conveyed that we
didn't really matter.  If I said I was feeling ------ [insert
emotion], I would be told that I felt -----[insert any other emotion]
other than what I had expressed.  I would be asked "who was I trying
to sound like, look like, & act like?.....where did I get my ideas?"
and on an on.  There was no part of me that was accepted as
valid....I was taken apart each time I tried to develop/expand/grow.

The sudden surfacing of the pain of invalidation or discounting has
triggered my major episodes of depression.  I ran into it again
several weeks ago when my mom visited and continued "fixing me".
We had a 4 generation photograph made and she passed along that a
relative thinks I look like I'm going bald.  I'm female and I had
ignored all mom's suggestions that I get a haircut.  But she doesn't
stop on anything....she returned home, called, and told me the bald
comment.  I have let her know how much she hurts when she criticizes
and yet she continues......so the dreams began again the night of the
bald remark.

Zoloft is a wonderful anti-depressant.  It balances my mood and/or
awareness while allowing me to remain in touch with my feelings.
I felt the hurt of mom's actions without disassociating from the
pain.  I'm thrilled that I have felt the pain without losing the
recent gains.

Take care everyone



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