From: esti@quads.uchicago.edu (Paul A. Estin)
Subject: Re: Bean thought answer
Reply-To: esti@midway.uchicago.edu
Organization: U. Michigan Cognitive Psychology
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 02:03:43 GMT

>Danger Mouse stands and begins orating:
>
>"There has been a bit of discussion here on the list of questions raised
>by Jody. I want to talk about one in particular: (I can't remember it word
>for word) What things am I unwilling to let other people know about me?
>
>"I thought about this a little as I was falling asleep last night. And the
>answer I came up with was: nothing.

Snark nods, "I try to live my life like that, too... I've simply found
from experience that being open and honest is just *easier*... less
stressful not having to keep track of who knows what, etc.  I'm just
not very good at either keeping things hidden, or of keeping track of
half-truths and such, so I don't try!"

>"I realised that, possibly unlike many other people, I have no secrets that
>I wish to hide from others. Not about myself, anyway. (I can certainly keep
>a secret that someone else doesn't wish told.) So, um... there is nothing
>at all inside me which I want to hide. If people want to know something, if
>they ask me, then I'll tell them.

"One thing I've noticed, though, is that the separation between
'oneself' and 'others' can get muddled.  The obvious case is with
regard to SOs... if someone asks me how I'm doing, and at the time I'm
worried about a problem my girlfriend is dealing with, but said
problem is personal and she wants it kept secret, then obviously I
shouldn't talk about it.  Similarly, if one gets into a discussion
about previous life experiences comes up, I don't often mind giving
personal details about *myself*, but what if that means also giving
away personal details about past SOs?

"The problem can occur regarding close friends or relatives in addition
to SOs, though not as frequently."

>"And then I thought: this isn't really usual, is it? Or is it? I don't know.
>From my own experiences, it seems that most people have things which they
>simply don't want to talk about. I can respect that, even thought it doesn't
>apply to me.

"I must admit, I sometimes have trouble understanding that in others.
I mean, rationally, I understand that people have dark spots in their
lives which they don't like to discuss, but it's hard for me to
empathize with that, since I *don't* seem to have any.

"It helps that I've had a pretty happy upbringing and family.. most of
the miseries of growing up have to do with taunting peers, but I don't
mind *talking* about it (I'd just rather not *recreate* it :).  I've
sometimes joked that the reason I can afford to be so open is that my
life has been boring, such that I have nothing to hide.  There's some
truth to that.

"As I get older (says the crotchedy man of 24), as other people's
lives crisscross with mine, and as my life gets, well, less boring
(*grin*), I do have to be more careful as to what I reveal.  Also,
there's the matter of to whom I'm talking... close friends, pretty
good friends, cousins, my mother?  For instance, I have a policy of
answering my mother honestly if she asks me a direct question (always
excepting those things which extend to *others'* secrets), but it's
pretty well understood that there are things she's not going to ask
about, and which I'm not going to volunteer.  And there are extreme
cases, such as being asked irrelevant personal questions by a job
interviewer, where even if I don't mind answering, I will balk on the
principle of such questions being inappropriate (do I go to church,
for example)."

>"The next thought that entered my mind was that I must have some sort of
>innate trust in people. For other people to trust me requires time. There
>are things they want to keep from me. But my default is to trust someone
>until they hurt me. I guess that doesn't come naturally to a lot of
>people. So I have this sort of trust imbalance. I ladle it out, and don't
>receive as much in return.

"It's funny, I don't consider myself idealistic, but that pretty much
follows for me too.  Maybe it's because I have a *need* to live my
life in an open way, and I get stressed if I don't (that sort of
stress is much greater where I live now in Ann Arbor, for example,
where I have few close friends, than when I visit Chicago, where I
still have lots of close friends and tend to meet new ones more
often).  But also, it seems that in the long run, being open *will*
lead to others being more open with me, and that's a good feeling when
it happens.  Admittedly, it's easier for me to trust people with my
'secrets' than it would be for many people, since those 'secrets' are
usually innocuous enough that I'm not likely to be hurt much by
revealing them, even if the trust should turn out to be misplaced."

>"Very strange, I thought. Am I doing something wrong? Or what? I don't want
>to change, since I am happy going around like this, being able to trust
>people. So, should everyone else change? Good grief! I can't do that and,
>anyway, how can so many other people be wrong?

"Dunno.  I can offer only that (1) realistically, even when given lots
of trust, most less-open people will change only very slowly if at
all, and (2) if some people come from a background where they haven't
been as lucky as I have (extremely strict and unyielding parents,
say), it's not fair to expect them to be as open as I am.  Yet, at the
same time, I can't help but feel that being open is generally a *good*
thing, and that encouraging trust in others is worthwhile."

-----
"No, those aren't crustaceans, those are teabags." - Bill Hazelrig

Paul Andrew Estin, net.Snark, r.a.c Welcome Poster, HoloMuck Chancellor,
  Fellow of the Clementine Society, UCSFC First Consul/ Keeper of the Slinky
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