HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson)
Subject: Brother Elwood's 2 Wives
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 14:05:23 GMT


This story is absolutely true, insomuch as anything in the newspapers
is true. if you dont believe me, go find the Washington post, 1/27/93,
D1.

So it turns out that theres this preacher down in the small southern
virginia town of martinsville. his name, if memory serves me, is elwood
something. and he has just marrieda 16 year old girl while still retaingin
his older wife, because god told him it was ok.

elwood likes to read the portions of the bible about polygamy during his
sermons. he notes that while it is ok for a 'prophet' to take many wives
it is not ok for a woman to take many husbands. elwood says his first wife
janice (who is about his age) does not object to the situation, but
she was hospitalized for 'nerves' for a week after first hearing the
news.

but wait, you say. bigamy is illegal. where, there's the tricky part;
elwood did not perform a legal marraige on himself and the 16yr old.
instead, he just proclaimed them 'married in the eyes of god', and
proceeded to do the nasty with her, guilt free. (o yeah, i forgot,
he's "in love" with her too)

so the prosecutors of this small, god fearing town are in a bind. its
not illegal to fuck a 16 yr old. its not illegal to perform a non-
binding marraige on yourself when youre already married either. so
they are going to prosecute him (maybe) under a 1877 law which 
forbids having sex with a 15-17yr old virgin under the false
promise of marraige. as you may guess, this law has not been used
much lately.

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: billbill@wetware.com (Bill Bill)
Subject: (not eno) || (not cale)
Organization: Castle Wetware
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 07:51:18 GMT


I am the Marmite of Mentation.



                              billbill@wetware.com
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rct@fulcrum.co.uk (Richard Taylor)
Subject: Re: surreal travel experiences
Organization: Fulcrum Communications
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 13:20:30 GMT

In article <1993Jan22.184310.24123@scott.skidmore.edu> ssamaras@scott.skidmore.edu (susan samarasinghe) writes:
>
> on a plane to pittsbugh i was seated next to a man who looked like
>david byrne, pee wee herman and gomez addams had a baby. he was
>missing some teeth and he smelled like bryll cream. he asked me if i
>was going to palm springs. he was wearing ( i am not kidding) a black
>pinstriped zoot suit, complete with pocket watch.
>  one part of me was, understandably, frightened. he stole the
>armrest...which i hate. and he wheezed when he spoke. another part of
>me was desperately aroused. am i normal?

Well, since you posted on Friday, and it's now Wednesday, without
getting a reply, I think we can safely say that you're way below
normal for talk.bizarre.

Put a little wackiness into it. Let yourself go.

A doctor writes...
Regards,
============================================================================
Richard Taylor                  DoD #981                 (rct@fulcrum.co.uk)
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."		- Bill Hoest
============================================================================
Fulcrum Communications Ltd., Fordrough Lane, Birmingham, B9 5LD, ENGLAND.
From: mark@uab21.larc.nasa.gov (Mark Flanagan)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: fear of drowning
Date: 27 Jan 1993 19:42:55 GMT
Organization: Indentured Servitude
NNTP-Posting-Host: uab21.larc.nasa.gov


"You have pretty eyes", she said to me as she walked beside the stretcher.
     Every day after, she was there, tending me gently, watching me.  She 
would leave every night saying: "I like your eyes."  As my strength returned, 
I began to converse with her of many things, it mattered little if important 
or inane.  
     I can still remember her face, her one empty socket just her. I never 
noticed, until she would speak of my eyes.  I woke eventually to find my 
limbs bound, her above me, spoon in hand. "I like your eyes".  Her stomach 
growled in anticipation.


-m

-- 
mark@uab21.larc.nasa.gov  Unsteady Aerodynamics Branch LaRC  <disclaimer>
From: robert@aero.org (R. S. Statsinger)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Short Shameful 10-word llama palindrome
Date: 21 Jan 1993 19:08:59 GMT
Organization: Your Guess Is As Good As Mine...
NNTP-Posting-Host: pagoda.aero.org

In article <1993Jan21.172958.12966@ncar.ucar.edu> ilana@kiowa.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana) writes:
>In article <1jmk03INNo27@news.aero.org>, robert@aero.org (R. S. Statsinger) writes:
|> Anal saw! Poop was Lana.
|> 			
|
|10 demerits for misspelling my name.

It can't be helped. Avid anal eye, Lana diva.

|10 demerits for only using 4 words.

20 extra-loving strokes for not noticing that I used 5 words.

			R.S.

Anal? I peed deep, Ilana.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@gath.cray.com (Jeff Carroll)
Subject: Re: i am such a conservationist...
Originator: jcarroll@gath
Organization: charmin squeezers
Date: 25 Jan 93 22:32:27 CST


In article <OSA.93Jan21172449@wilbur.unh.edu>, osa@wilbur.unh.edu (Bart Simps.. er.. Oktay Ahiska) writes:
> 
> fun fun fun boy <pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu> writes:
> 
> => that i use both sides of the plastic when making overhead screens.
> 
> Do you use both sides of the toilet paper when wiping? 

Never mind that, does Jason come over and watch you wipe?
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: i want a film...
Date: 25 Jan 1993 16:13:31 GMT
Organization: NASA Langley Research Center and Reptile Farm
NNTP-Posting-Host: grissom.larc.nasa.gov

In article <1jpk04INNgoc@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> an072@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Richard White) writes:
>
>lordSnooty@cup.portal.com (Andrew - Palfreyman) says:
>
>>i want a film with 
>          ^^^^
>No you don't. You want a pre-recorded video cassette. You are warned.

What's wrong with the world is too many people who want pre-recorded
video cassettes and not enough people who want films.
--scott
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel)
Subject: Re: give to the needy
Reply-To: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu
Organization: The Ghost Of Christmas Past Society
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 18:00:54 GMT


kimy@cs.umd.edu (Yong-Mi Kim) writes:

>Somebody go over to alt.angst and flame the pants off Steve Salter
>(ssalter@silver.ucs.indiana.edu) for thinking that some gooey cutesy
>smiley clueless dweeb new over there belongs in talk.bizarre.  In
>fact he has instructed said person in at least two posts to go to
>talk.bizarre.  Maybe that's ssalter@silver.ucs.indiana.edu's idea
>of humour, but I find it as funny as corneal lesions.

well, what would YOU do with a gooey cutesy smiley clueless dweeb, if not
try to dump them in a froup that would provide adequate mental sodomization?

besides, shuttling her to the k12.chat hierarchy would've been too cruel.

>Oh yeah, for the oldbies around here who remember alt.romance.chat
>intrusions to talk.bizarre, Steve Salter does indeed hang around
>alt.angst these days.  Must have been the marriage.

(p.a. system kicks in)

*CALLING SIR BUTTERCUP...  PLEASE PICK UP A WHITE COURTESY PHONE.  SIR
 BUTTERCUP, WHITE COURTESY PHONE.  YOUR SERVICES ARE NEEDED ONCE MORE.*

			---jeff "this message will self-destruct..." c, ncsu

--
     jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu      \\        pope@aza.csc.ncsu.edu    
 "I don't know where you took   --=--   To KLH: Love ya, Katya!
 me, but I didn't want to leave."   \\  have clue, will travel.
       ---------------------------------------------------
Xref: sparky talk.bizarre:46009 alt.religion.kibology:5975
From: John Austin <jea1@cornell.edu>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Nontransparent prose complaint
Date: 22 Jan 1993 14:39:01 GMT
Organization: Boyce Thompson Institute
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.253.16.140
X-UserAgent: Nuntius v1.1.1d17
X-XXDate: Fri, 22 Jan 93 14:47:11 GMT

In article <1993Jan22.125524.16599@netcom.com> Pope Clifton,
cliftonr@netcom.com writes:
>: >>>"come" is a verb
>: >>>"cum" is a noun
>: >
>: >Is this in the OED?
>
>: Actually, "cum" is a preposition, at least according to webster.
>
>"To" is a preposition.  "Come" is a verb.

Cum? is a proposition.

John Austin (jea1@cornell.edu)                                                 
Grafix !R Us                        Go dangle your participle somewhere else...
Boyce Thompson Institute for Plant Research                                    
26the inedible sinking .sig
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gaillard@panix.com (Ed Gaillard)
Subject: ten word story
Keywords: fur, fear
Organization: Radio Free Hades
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 03:58:19 GMT

He was crippled by a morbid fear of mule deer.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: Zed <zed@silver.lcs.mit.edu>
Subject: on human efficiency
Summary: stemmed from a conversation with T.B.
Reply-To: zed@silver.lcs.mit.edu
Organization: Liars for Truth
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 16:25:09 GMT

You've heard the joke about who else but a civil engineer would put a
sewage line through a major recreational area, but, really, how did we
get that way? Well, any orifice is a vulnerable spot, and I suppose
it's useful to minimize them.

But, y'know, there's further efficiency imaginable.

The guy who could show up at a party, unzip his pants, and slap that
sucker down on the snack table, hoovering up petit-fours could be
really popular. Especially afterwards. "Oh, Fred," she cooed. "Have
some more nutella."

Exactly how she cooed when we are positing the absence of mouths is
beyond the scope of this article.

-- 
zed@silver.lcs.mit.edu                          I'm an anarchist, and I vote.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.angst
From: pjm@isis.cshl.org (Pat Monardo)
Subject: Re: anyone need a harem?
Organization: Cold Spring Harbor Labs
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 16:10:46 GMT

In article <1993Jan22.125133.16485@netcom.com> cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton) writes:
>have clue, will travel (jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu) wrote:
>
>: within the past month I've:
>
>: (a) begun a new relationship (sadly, she's living in another state right now), 
>: (b) noticed a slightly-underage friend of a friend flirting shyly with me, and
>: (c) collected two more phone numbers in my coat pocket, belonging
>:       to a pair of sweet, preppy girls in one of my classes.
>: ..as WELL as the aforementioned friend taking on a newly intense interest,
>: and a friend of HERS offering to spend her Spring Break week down here in
>: North Carolina visiting li'l old me.
>
>: Of course, everything above after (a) took place AFTER said relationship
>: began, and I hence went Off The Market, 
>
>                          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  I think you have your explanation
>right there.  No man is so attractive as a man with a new girlfriend, or
>perhaps a newly married man.  Female psychology, human psychology ...

Pope, your dissecting is missing the mark here. This was a coded
message from Satan saying that he is currently drinking kamikazis
at J.C. Dobbs (he likes bars with J.C. in their names) and will
trade souls for love and romance. come one, come all.

-- 
-- Pat Monardo
-- pjm@cshl.org
From: jjh4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JANE HORVATH)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: short shameful confession
Date: 27 Jan 93 18:57:21 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University


whenever old reruns of 'the love boat' come on, i always sing along to the
theme song before turning the channel.  mostly to annoy anyone else who might
be in the room, but partly to amuse myself.

-jane

i do the same thing when 'three's company' comes on
-- 
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: billbill@wetware.com (Bill Bill)
Subject: on a road / in the desert / in your hair
Organization: Castle Wetware
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 07:00:22 GMT


a trance is when all the words are in your ears, not your mouth.       d      w
 
in    a    trance,     your     feet     are     more     aware.       o      a
 
in  a  stance,  your  feet  enter  trance to  guess  your  path.       n      l
                                                                       ,
a     dance     is     a     trance      with      no     words.       t      k


                                                                you must listen
                                                                to your feet on
                                                                this long trail
                                                                this our circle
                                                                your head is no
                                                                good at chants.
                                                                
                                                                
bill                    bill         @          wetware.                    com
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: dawn@ca.dynix.com (damn)
Distribution: world
Subject: Re: bob She: bob Awee: bob
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 10:14:57 EST
Organization: they arrest people for not returning overdue books, you know
Summary: the good die mercifully slowly
Subliminal-Message: give generously to the CLA and vivisectomy foundation

the eternally depressed Markian of Gooley sighs:
< I always feel left out at these affairs, but I'm going anyway.

sure, be a sterling example of self
sacrifice.  i've been toying with
the idea of going, but there is the
small matter of having no reliable
sitter for the daughter (you think
i'm gonna bring a charming, bright
young six-year-old to a bob? think
not) and the other matter of no
reliable&cheap method of getting to
virginiyay and back to wallaballoo
over just the weekend.  make me look bad.

there's also the irrational fear that
some fool of whom i've never heard will
spend hours lavishing its clearly
unwanted attentions on me (hey, i know
i'm not goddess material, but i do have
these horncreature-attracting features
that my housemate claims cause me back
pain and headaches to the point that i
go through a.s.a. much faster than any
rational organism).

i do exist(*), it's just hard for a
single-parent type with a mortgage to
bob off at the best of times.  i must
make an effort to visit some of the
oldbies one of these days.  maybe this
summer i should do a driving tour of
the northeast and snarf free lodging
from y'all.

< I will bring homebrew (maybe my killer treacle-and-carob stout, which
< I could give some t.b-ish name).  I will get drunk and see the whole
< affair through beer goggles.

ooooh, i love a good stout, and my
own cellars are begging me to start
another batch of beers (if i can find
all the equipment, i think its in the
garage with the quick-frozen cockroach
corpses).


damn guiness is too expensive

(*) hell, my xian alter-ego still exists in here somewhere too.
From: jjh4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JANE HORVATH)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: ssc
Date: 22 Jan 93 23:03:05 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University


    i must have said the word 'hiney' at least ten times today.

    -jane

    hopelessly foul-mouthed
-- 
Xref: sparky talk.bizarre:46321 alt.flame:19257
From: grendel@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (The Termite of Temptation)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.flame
Subject: Re: THE REAGAN ERA IS OVER, THE END IS NEAR!
Date: 25 Jan 1993 06:22:44 GMT
Organization: The Church of Pat
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.7.4

In article <1993Jan24.193355.16736@ncsu.edu> dsh@eceyv.ncsu.edu (Doug Holtsinger) writes:
*In article <gerald.727642733@gerald> 
*gerald@torolab4.vnet.ibm.com writes:
*>01jwwitty@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu writes:
*>> JEFF WITTY
*>> ARMY R.O.T.C.
*>> a.k.a. PROUD SOLDIER OF THE US ARMY
*
*> I"M SURE THE U>S> ARMY COULDN"T BE PROUDER TO HAVE YOU ABOARD< JEFFY.
*
*Fuck off, you pretentious sniveling little asshole.  You had 
*better be damn glad that there are people who are willing to 
*put their life on the line for pompous little shits like you.

I am glad.  I refer to it as "Darwinism."


Mark "Beagle" Lippert
From: rhamilt@husc10.harvard.edu (Rowan Hamilton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: The First Letter Of Each Word (ten word story)
Date: 22 Jan 93 20:43:07 GMT

caz@owlnet.rice.edu (HWRNMNBSOL) writes:

>He was ruined: no more naggings, but short on love.
>HWRNMNBSOL

Horace wept. Ruth nagged mercilessly, never believing she'd obtain love.

-- 
Rowan T. Hamilton                 I really tried to avoid ending with "love".
hamilton@huhepl.harvard.edu       But couldn't.
hamilton@fnald.fnal.gov           (10 words.)       
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: kschnitz@encore.com (Kevin Schnitzius)
Subject: Re: Answer du jour.
Organization: Encore Computer Corporation
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 04:48:35 GMT

giovanne@ccrs.emr.ca (Zee Cyste) writes:
>[grinlets]

Grinlets?  Grinlets?  Grinlets!

Ah, the first actual occurance of a *written out smiley*.

Let be the first of many who admonish you to:

Jump, newbie, jump.
Jump, newbie, jump.
Jump, newbie, jump.
Jump, newbie, jump.
Jump, newbie, jump.
--
I'm sorry.  Kill me now.
From: jws5@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JUSTIN WINSLOW SOLONYNKA)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Mushy_O_Phobic v. CloseAirSupport_O_Phobics
Date: 23 Jan 93 02:39:57 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <8229@skye.ed.ac.uk>, ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson) writes:
>
>In article <93019.125917CSD108@psuvm.psu.edu> CSD108@psuvm.psu.edu writes:
>
>%  An antonym is two words that are spelled the same but have opposite
>%  meanings.  No examples exist in English
>
>$  No, that's an antelope. An antonym is someone who hasn't got a name.
>
>*  No, an antelope is when your mom's sister runs off with the postman, and
>*  _Anton Nym_ was an (unsuccessful) musical comedy by Fedor Dostoevski and
>*  Dave Brubeck.  The word you want is `antimony'.
>
>&  Antimony is money you have to pay your ex-wife.  You're thinking of
>&  `anemone'.  As in "Love your anemones."
>
>#  You are high.  Anemone is when have too many white blood cells I think
>#  you mean "antipathy".
>
>+No, antipathy are things you have before your main course in an Italian
>+restaurant, like spaghtetti carbonara and stuff.  Surely you mean
>+anomaly?

You've been smoking rope.  Anomaly is what a priest does for a half-hour
during a Catholic mass.  You must mean aesthetically.

sol  |  see the cat?  see the cradle?
jws5@lehigh.edu

(BTW: not to be un-bizarre, but there _is_ a word in the English language
whose antonym is itself: cleave.)

Just a fountain of information (and other things...)
--
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Walking Dead")
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Stop the world, I wanna get off.
Date: 26 Jan 93 20:51:30 GMT
Organization: Eaters of Wisdom
In-reply-to: mrx@sgi.com's message of 26 Jan 93 20:15:53 GMT

In article <vcc9tbo@zola.esd.sgi.com> mrx@sgi.com (cloaking the constant k) writes:
>   >I can only conclude the Earth is shrinking :-(
>	   and you thought i'd abandoned that project

I just assumed that it was someone with a home marbleizing kit.
--

   Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.
Mark-Jason Dominus 	  			    mjd@central.cis.upenn.edu 
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: Deflated Tit Update #3
Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 14:36:12 GMT

In <1993Jan22.232150.24963@black.ox.ac.uk> tbrann@black.ox.ac.uk (Tony Brannigan) writes:
>I read somewhere recently that tit reduction is the third most common
>non-essential operation performed in America.

>Wonder what they do with all the titbits left over?

They use them to construct giant tits.

Which then proceed to post to talk.bizarre.

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: Re: Brief Embarrassing Business Travel
Followup-To: talk.bizarre, alt.fascist.christian.homophobes
Organization: University of Notre Dame
Distribution: usa
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 23:50:28 GMT

mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Mr. Prolific") writes:
> I giggled non-stop last year when I was in the airport in Denver,
> because I kept thinking of Edith Bunker.

	So now we know whose fault Amendment 2 is.

---
David Vacca, who has never even been to Colorado, but who, in all
             probability, musy have giggled at some point during
             the three weeks I spent in Utah when I was eleven,
             which may explain Finerty.  Whatever the case may in
             fact be, I remain Just an Excitable Boy.
From: mha1@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MICHAEL H. ALAIMO)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: THE REAGAN ERA IS OVER
Date: 21 Jan 93 19:41:56 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1993Jan20.170111.19454@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>, rwd4f@poe.acc.Virg
inia.EDU (Rob Dobson) writes:
>
>It is now 12:02 EST. The Reagan Era is OVER! Fuck you george bush, and
>the sausage you rode in on! see ya, wouldnt wanna be ya......

Uh oh.  Did somebody say "head on a pike"?











.
-- 

--
Mike Alaimo       |      "An' what are yer scientists these days
Dept. Chemistry   |       but a bunch o' undersexed communistic
Leehi U.          |       heaps o' shit with teeth?"
Purloined .sig:   |          -Ma Orviston-  "The River Why"
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: aad@siemens.com (Anthony Datri)
Subject: Re: Some of my best ideas...
Organization: Siemens Corporate Research, Princeton (Plainsboro), NJ
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1993 22:42:47 GMT


>The restrooms in DEC's multi-building ZKO facility (Spitbrook Rd,
>Nashua, NH) have a chalkboard and chalk in every stall.  Every single
>one of 'em.  Even the women's restrooms.

Hmmm.  I didn't see those, but I *did* have to tell them what their RK05's
were.
-- 

======================================================================8--<
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk
Subject: Re: A day in the life of ...
Reply-To: L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk (Lloyd Wood)
Organization: Loughborough University, UK.
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 93 16:51:55 GMT

When I grow up
I want to be
Older.

L.
From: echeverr@scf.usc.edu (5150)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Pubic Service Company
Date: 24 Jan 1993 17:35:29 -0800
Organization: <censored>
NNTP-Posting-Host: aludra.usc.edu

In article <1993Jan23.045200.22044@ucsu.Colorado.EDU> siffert@spot.Colorado.EDU (Thunder-Thumbs) writes:
>Hey everyone, let's show everyone just how many people read this
>thing.  Next time you get an electric bill from your Public 
>Service Company, make the check out to 
>
>Pubic Service
>
>I just sent mine in.

Why, Curt, you're SO resourceful.

I write out my checks to "Fucking Wankers of the DWP", even though they're
one of the few public services that really haven't provoked me yet.

5150
1) insert head in toilet
2) flush
3) inhale
From: lordSnooty@cup.portal.com (Andrew - Palfreyman)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: my all-time favorite porno movie title
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 17:40:06 PST
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
Distribution: world
  <1993Jan20.143339.22832@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu>
  <930121.173638.9b1.rusnews.w165w@mantis.co.uk>
  <1jnb7nINNhp9@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>

R. S. Statsinger writes:
>mathew writes:
>|JANE HORVATH writes:
>>>ramboner
>|"Spurtacus".
>The Fountainhead....
: On Golden Blonde.

...and of course, that famous Goolian transvestite existential piece
"Been Hur"
				i should do an SSC for asciiing this