From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: LJBF and Happiness
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 00:29:26 GMT

In article <1992Aug17.182327.16695@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu> jlewis@astro.as.arizona.edu (Jeff Lewis) writes:
>Since this LJBF thing seems to be a popular topic and becasue 
>I got some great respones to my last post..well I have had time
>to think..so just let me ask this...I have been wondering if
>the reason I hear LJBF so often is that maybe I need to more
>selfish ... meaning I should worry a little more about if I
>am happy and not overly concerned with a possible SO
>being happy..after all I guess you cannot FORCE someone to be
>happy.  
>So..I am wondering if people view one who is not concerned about who
>pays...or who said what first...or any of those other score
>keeping things..as just someone they can be friends with...and really
>nothing more?
>Someone once told me that I deserve to be happy...but I am the most
>content when I can make someone else happy...is this being romatic
>or just plain stupid?
>

Where to start? No one can answer these questions definitively, but I
certainly have some opinions. 

I don't think that by being more selfish you will much affect your
chances of a potential SO becoming a SO. If you are in a LJBF
situation, then you have made clear to the other person your interest
in romance, and so the problem is not that your actions are being
interpreted as unromantic. On other hand, being un-selfish will likely
increase your chances of getting a LJBF, because you will be more
likely to continue on in a relationship with someone who is not
responding romantically. I wrote an earlier comment about why
being selfish can be attractive, but the thing that is really 
attractive is being independent and not simply being selfish.

You cannot force someone to be happy, but the flip side of this is that
you cannot depend on someone else to ensure your happiness.  Only you
can be responsible for your happiness. This is not because other people
are selfish and uncaring, but because no one understands your needs
anywhere near as well as you do.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying making someone else happy. The
problems come when you take on responsibility for someone else's
happiness, or expect someone else to take responsibility for your
happiness. Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness can cause
you pain, especially if the other person is not ready or unwilling to
have you interfere with their life. And expecting someone else to be
responsible for your happiness can drive the other person away,
especially if the other person hasn't made a emotional commitment to
you.

So if you want to try to make someone happy, by all means go ahead.
But remember you will be making the other person feel vulnerable,
and you need to be sensitive to this. And you need to be prepared
for your effort to be rejected without feeling personally rejected.
People who are giving are rare and valuable. Most of us who want
to give feel we have been burned, and don't do much giving. And
most of us want to receive, but are afraid of being dependent or
vulnerable. We all need to overcome these fears to live up to 
our potential.

Peace,
Michael.




Newsgroups: alt.romance