HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1280@twwells.com (Alaska)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'M BACK
Date: 15 Dec 92 02:24:30 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

In alt.sexual.abuse.recovery you write:

>Anyway i'm here,i'll do what i can to be worthy your trust.
>To all who needs or wants one a *HUG* or a flower(?-below)
>try to hold out,new ones,old ones,all
>Pathfinder

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>*********   WE ALL NEED YOU    ************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>*********   WE ALL NEED YOU    ************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>*********   WE ALL NEED YOU    ************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>*********   WE ALL NEED YOU    ************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>*********   WE ALL NEED YOU    ************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE
><<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE
><<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE
><<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALASKA DON'T LEAVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I couldn't handle this before, but I can now. I'm overwhelmed. I'm crying
with happiness. Thank you.

"He thought he was gonna die, but he didn't/She thought she could never
 cope, but she did/We thought it was all over, but it wasn't/It hadn't
 started yet/...We thought it would be so hard, but it wasn't/It wasn't
 easy though!/...Can't help myself/I need your help/We hang on to every
 line/and walk straight down the middle of it"
                    Kate Bush "Walk Straight Down the Middle" (asar mix)

  ________
  |alaska|    US: anon-1280   Finland: an881   Australia: anon.34



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From: anon.31@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Hello?
Date: 17 Dec 1992 12:45:53 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.31@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


This anonymous posting thing seems to work, and with an anonymous
remailer or two in the path it's probably safe enough for my purposes.

It doesn't provide for a name, though.  I'm Liam.

I'm not sure if I belong here, which is largely what this posting
is about.  I read the recently posted FAQ, which states that the
group is for victims, their families, perps, and the general public.
That seems to cover about everyone.  Still, actual use is clearly
somewhat more limited.

My wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  Repeated.  An uncle.
But she seems to be little troubled by it now.  It was a long time ago,
before one talked of these things, before support groups, and certainly
before Usenet.  And she doesn't use computers.

I'm rambling, trying to get to the point.  Sorry.

For the past year I've been working with a therapist, dealing with
some undesirable and inappropriate behavior patterns.  And trying
to stop suppressing feelings.  And wondering about large periods of
my childhood for which I have almost no memories.

As the feelings get closer to the surface, a couple of behavior things
have become more intense.  First, I don't like to be touched.  I don't
mind being touched by my wife, except when she comes up behind me and
surprises me.  I can hug my children.  But in general, touching is
something I prefer to avoid, and I'm getting worse.

More dramatic though, is my reaction to being awakened.  By anyone.
I go nearly ballistic.  Angry.  Hostile.  Almost to the point of
becoming physically violent.  It's getting worse.  It scares me;
it scares my wife.

My therapist thinks it probable that something happened.  But I
have no memory of anything that would account for it.  I can't
remember ever, as a child, being awakened for any reason, and
I have no memories of anything approaching sexual abuse.  I don't
want to invent something that isn't there.  Still, I wonder.

Has anyone else experienced this?   Any other possible reasons
for this sort of reaction?   Comments, either here or by e-mail,
would be appreciatively received.  Thanks.

Liam

A note to enigma:  I'm sorry to see you withdraw from participation
here, but you must do what's right for you.  But please don't think
that no one listens to you.  I've long thought you a voice of reason
and sanity in a world that frequently seems all too unreasonable
and insane.

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From: anon-1507@twwells.com (Avodat)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test Post
Date: 20 Dec 92 18:38:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ANON-Name: Avodat
ANON-Ping: yes
ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Announce: yes



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From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: just testing
Date: 12 Dec 1992 10:48:12 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


just testing out this service.  this was mailed at 7:15 pm fri 12/11/92


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Subject: Re: Alaska & Enigma
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 07:12:21 GMT

In article <BzAABM.5Fq@twwells.com> anon-1383@twwells.com (Apple) writes:
>
>Enigma, I'm sorry that you feel that you have to quit posting,
>but I don't think you have to quit posting just over Alaska.
>After all.....she's just one person and I don't think she is 
>representative of the people on this newsgroup.  Don't let
>Alaska get you down......and Alaska, real nice post about
>Enigma.  I nominate you for asshole of the month award.....
>but I guess your brain gets frozen all the way up in Alaska....
>that is where you are from I take it.

Uh-oh.  I guess I better clear this up.  I am *not* staying away from
asar because of what Alaska said.  Her words hurt because of an issue
*I* had, and I need to work on it.  The fact that I got so upset with
her was a vital clue that I had an unresolved issue that I didn't know
about.  She is a very good person, *not* an asshole.  She's also under
a hell of a lot of stress, which I should have taken into
consideration (and would have, if I had been thinking straight).  I
mailed her about this, but since I didn't post, the rest of you have
no way of knowing that.

So why am I staying away from asar?  Well, it's kinda complicated.

I've been sitting here for half an hour, and I can't come up with any
way to express this that people would understand.  I guess that's it -
I don't trust asar any more.  I don't think that I'll be listened to.
I think my words will be twisted and distorted and used against me.
Plus, I think these anon posting services are dangerous.  I think
people are going to get hurt, and I don't want to watch it happen.

I wish I hadn't mentioned Alaska in my goodbye post.  I wish I had
just said "there is too much insanity here" and left it at that.  It
really wasn't her fault.
From: mccall3080@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: starting to date
Date: 11 Dec 92 21:01:00 -0600
Summary: how do I take initiative?
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

        There is this person that I really like right now and I have asked him
out, twice.  I posted about it a week or so ago.  I know he likes me too, but
neither one of us seem to be taking the initiative in the relationship.  The
other day we went to a concert and I couldn't even reach over and hold his hand
even though I wanted to.  How do I get past that fear?  I want to, but is like
an inner battle in my mind keeping me from even starting something.
        I know that I need to take things slow, but if I don't even begin how
is it supposed to progress?
        Melissa
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: why do i keep forgetting to write this?..
Date: 16 Dec 92 22:31:37 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


:)

darkangel
anon-1394@twwells.com
an1414@anon.penet.fi



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From: anon.95@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test Post
Date: 21 Dec 1992 04:39:12 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.95@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au




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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: N1.AAS@isumvs.iastate.edu (AZIZ SABRI)
Subject: Re: all me of us's wish list
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Distribution: usa
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 06:34:30 GMT

In article <Bz4qKo.FAF@news.iastate.edu>,
N1.AAS@isumvs.iastate.edu (AZIZ SABRI) writes:
>In article <Bz4FA3.85C@twwells.com>,
>anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all) writes:
>>
>>but we also really want to start seeing somebody you know (ain't it weird
>>how seeing somebody could refer to a therapist or to a SO)  we are scared
>>they would tell us that we aren't multiple.  nobody except ourselves & our
>>friends have told us we are multiple -- but then I know some of me -- and
>>we are differnt & have different names and ages & functions -- some of us
>>can do stuff that others really can't.
>>
>Since working with multiples is a fairly new area in therapy, IMO it is
>unlikely a good therapist would suggest that you AREN'T multiple. If s/he is
>worth her/his license, s/he would be eager to explore with you
>why you think you are a multiple.  That's why the questions
>are worthwhile....you can have an idea of what the therapist
>knows and understands and how receptive s/he will be to your
>very real feelings.   Good luck if you decide to go for it!
>
>--
>****************************************************************
>* N1.AAS@ISUMVS.IASTATE.EDU       Truth flies like an arrow    *
>* Dr. Aziz A. Sabri               Love flies like a sparrow    *
>* (515) 292-0595                  Fruit flies like a banana    *
>****************************************************************

Please note!!!!!! This message is being sent on someone else's
account. The Dr. before the name does not imply Dr. of Psychology.
This person is a Ph.D. in engineering. I have a bachelor's in
Psychology. Sorry if this has troubled anyone.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: boserj@netcom.com (Jeffrey Boser)
Subject: Re: Subjects to be discussed
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 15:26:45 GMT

stick@carson.u.washington.edu (suzanne cherniack) writes:
>I am pleased to see this new newsgroup at my site, but am wanting to know
>if "sexual abuse" includes rape, harrassment, and other forms of 
>abuse besides incest.  I am a surviror of all three...
> 
>-Suzanne

This certainly is the place for such discussions.  Though most of
the long-term members of asar are struggling with life-long problems
which started at childhood.

For a more technical debate about rape,harrassment, and such, talk.rape
is available, but recovery issues belong here very much.  Please do
post.

....jeff
From: h234_035@ccvax.ucd.ie
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: [BOB] turns poet.
Date: 9 Dec 92 17:03:17 GMT
Organization: University College Dublin

Hi folks,
This is a poem I am just after writing.
I'm posting it here for anyone who wants it.
I'm afraid I'm not much of a poet, but, it might help someone.
It is rather strong, so I'll put in a spoiler warning.

****** SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ***********






















This is directed against my abuser, whoever that may be.

I hate you,
You stole my life.
I hate you,
My cause of strife.

Damn you,
Why did you do it?
Was it good?
Did you enjoy it?

Did you do it again?
To some other poor soul,
Did you do it again?
Whose life have you stole?

Damn it why,
Did I have to remember?
I was living my life,
Why to remember?

I now hate me,
And all that I am.
Are you happy now?
You made me what I am.

Or are you as sorry,
As you have made me?
I don't believe you'll ever
Climb down from your tree.

DAMN YOU,
WHY DID YOU DO IT?
Was it good?
Did you enjoy it?

DAMN YOU,
WHY DID YOU DO IT?
DANM YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU.

And there it ends,
A pitiful mess.
Thats all I am,
A pitiful mess.

[BOB]
From: agape@igc.apc.org (Jean Riseman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'm not a cutter,but.. *possible sp
Date: 20 Dec 92 00:12:00 GMT
Nf-ID: #R:BzGpBr.2nH@twwells.com:159280176:cdp:1519600008:000:393
Nf-From: cdp.UUCP!agape    Dec 19 16:12:00 1992


Hi: It isn't cutting, but it sure sounds like the principle's
the same. I hit myself a lot, but it's not as hard or long or planned out
out as what you described. It sounds really painful.
Do you think somebody did that to you as a child, or you saw
it done to somebody else? Sometimes when I hurt muself it is
disguising a very real memory.Anyway, hang in there until it makes sense.
Jeannie
From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'm not a cutter,but.. *possible spoiler*
Date: 18 Dec 92 19:36:06 GMT
Organization: University of Washington

anon-1425@twwells.com (pathfinder) writes:

>Unsure if this is a spoiler so i decide it's a spoiler

>****************** spoiler * spoiler **************************

>
>**********************************************************

>Hi everybody!

>After the recent postings about cutting i'm wondering if i could have
>the cutting thing in me too?I don't cut wounds outside but i have 
>inflicted bleedings inside,i'm not sure if this counts as cutting.

>When i really hate myself i do this(with pants on):::
>Usually i hit my legs,thighs with the backside of a screwdriver (the hard 
>plastic part),if i don't have one i use my fist.I always decide the
>number of hits,blows therefore the grade of punishment before i start.

pathfinder:

don't let the term "cutting" throw you.  as it says in the faq, it's a blanket
term covering a wide range of self-destructive behaviors.  for whatever reason,
a lot of people seem to specifically cut themselves than use other overt forms
of self-abuse, so that's sort of the term that got adopted.  but nevertheless,
whatever method you use, the motivations, damage, and resulting feelings of
shame, etc are just as real.  so don't get into the mindset of thinking that
your problem are any less real than those of us who literally cut.  *hugs* to
you, if you want them.
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: bye for 11 days!
Summary: i'll be gone for a while, folks.
Keywords: christmas vacation
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 19:55:03 GMT

this is just to let you all know that i'll be gone for the next 11 days (the
19th thru the 30th).  i'll be in arizona, specifically, phoenix.  so if any of
you are phoenix denizens, and want to get together, send me mail before this
evening (sorry about the short notice, but i just thought of doing this now.)
and we'll see what can be arranged.

take care, everyone.  be excellent to eachother, ok?  i must admit i have some
worries about leaving asar for 11 days, because i am afraid that the flames
will rise up and i won't be able to do anything about them.  but my rational
mind knows that is just the protector/enabler in me talking and so i'm to try
and not worry too much about it.  i know you're all adult people, here, and i
should have a little more faith.  so take care, everyone.  i care about you
all, and will miss you.

bye bye everyone!  be back soon!
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: I'm confused or Hey, nonny nonny
Date: 18 Dec 92 23:41:51 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

A pun may be residing in the subject, depending on the answer.

I am confused.  I see a whole variety of dates and times of postings with
anonymous routing when I check in to read and they do not appear
to be chronological.  How can this be?  Is the date and time
stamp from the anonymous server or the original one?  I have also
become very anxious because I tried to post through the service a
straightforward question about how another anonymous software
works a few days ago and it still hasn't appeared.  Meanwhile I
have had lots of completed anonymous e-mail exchanges through the
same service.  I was not trashing ANY other service.  I was just
asking a software question.  Perhaps I should have sent the
question directly to the owner, but I felt uncomfortable doing so
and thought an answer might be useful for others.  Incidentally I
have tried several anonymizing services and I am cognizant of the
risks en route and in process.  I have some mild reasons for
continuing to use an anonymous service.  I don't think I
would particularly appreciate some of my posts, etc. to be
splattered up with my name attached to them, but on the other
hand I think I could handle it.  (This is not an invitation to
take me at my word!!)  What the hey!  All I've ever done is
described some of the reality about my life or expressed my own
opinions.  What can I say?  I am trying to cope as best I can.
No one would be that interested anyway.

I don't know what to wish people at this time of year.  Family
stuff is so scary for so many of us.  I went from thinking at the
beginning of the year that I had come from a "perfect" family and
a totally euphoric childhood (albeit none of which I could
remember) to ...  well, I am NOT doing SPOILERS with this post.

I wish all who need it, to be able to find a warm safe space inside
where they can take some joy in their own being and survival!

Kristian



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: new asar name
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 06:19:07 GMT

In article <Bz4F9n.847@twwells.com> anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all) writes:
>don't know.  maybe soon I'll figure out where I want to post from and what
>I want my name to be (finding one name to call us all is exceedingly 
>difficult, let me tell you)
I can relate!  One name, to me, smacks of "integration", even if it's
a collective name (my issue).  Just a thought -- why restrict yourself
to just one anonymous service?  Which one you post/email through
could be the one that fits at that moment.

In other words, why change the current situation?  If it ain't
broke...

>we like the support that comes from this list.  wish we had more energy to
>offer more (we keep wanting to try and take care of people, but we know
>that ain't the healthiest behavoir & maybe we can admit that we are going 
>through HELL these days & need to take care of ourselves.  yeah.  maybe.)
FWIW, I think it's *always* important for each of us to take care of
ourselves at all times.  Even when times are good!  (I gotta admit,
it's a radical concept that I don't fully buy into myself yet.  But
maybe when I read my own post, I'll believe it a bit more <grin>.)

-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
From: anon-1280@twwells.com (Alaska)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: asshole
Date: 16 Dec 92 03:48:07 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

From: anon-1383@twwells.com (Apple)
>and Alaska, real nice post about Enigma.  
oh myg od, i nevernevernerever meant to hurt anyone
>I nominate you for asshole of the month award.....
yes youre right
>but I guess your brain gets frozen all the way up in Alaska....
>that is where you are from I take it.
no but thats where im goiing
<sob>



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery