From: matthew@base.cs.ucla.edu (Matthew Merzbacher)
Subject: How I met the Bird (who was really a Rabbit or Fish)
Organization: UCLA, Computer Science Department
Date: 12 Sep 92 00:14:34 GMT

It was late - last board of the day at the local duplicate club.  We sat 
down and I tried to focus on my hand.  I have to tell you a little about 
the club we were at.  First, it has an "A" game and a "B" game.  We made
late reservations, and were relegated to the "B" section.  Next, we were
the only players under 60 in the room.  After an afternoon of being
patronized, we were ready for last blood.  Third, it was a weak game.
Not the weakest I've ever played in, but we're talking some lifetime 49ers
here.  Finally, we sat against my LEAST FAVORITE pair in the room.
As we sat down, one said to the other, "These boys are *known* overbidders.
They get too high..." she paused for dramatic effect and to emphasize that
she had not said "If they get too high...", but rather "They get too high",
as in "*WHEN* they get too high".  "They get too high," she said, "we 
DOUBLE 'em!"

I opened my hand...  xx  AKQxxx  AQx Ax... and opened one heart.

"DIRECTOR!" shouted my opponents simultaneously.  The director 
trotted (slumped is perhaps a better word - it was the end of
her day, too) over.

"He bid out of turn."  In stereo.  Pointing at me.  Sure enough, I had 
confused the Dealer and Vulnerability marking and it was actually my 
partner's open.

"You have 16 choices," the director recited to my LHO, as both opponents 
bounced up and down in their chairs with glee.  "Your first choice is to
accept this call..."  As the director went through the list, our opponents
waited for the option that was, "You receive an automatic top and these
moronic young men will be burned at the stake."

Since that didn't happen, after hearing the choices at least ten times,
LHO made what seemed to be the most damaging choice.  "Matthew," said the
director, "your partner must pass at each opportunity.".

What should I do?

Should I pass?  Should I bid 3NT?  Should I bid 4H?  Should I bid 6H?  
I closed my eyes and bid 4H.

I don't remember too many details of what happened next.  The opponents
were ready to finish me off.  Dummy had two hearts and a very good hand.
Very good.  It seemed like he had every point in the deck (that I didn't 
have).  Except for the two low hearts, that is.  Oh, and the king of 
diamonds.  I thought, "Oh boy - missed a slam that almost everyone in the 
room will get to."  Even the "B" game with a weak field.

The opponents started lecturing me on how "This is what happens when
you break the rules..."  I couldn't believe it.  It was one of the most
obnoxious things I've ever had to experience.  I was considering ritual
suicide, because my partner is one of those "shrug it off" kind of guys.
You know the ones - he shrugs it off, and acts as if it doesn't matter.
But then he tells this story on you for the next two months.  I know
about this, because I'm one of these kinds of guys too, and I wasn't
looking forward to the next two months.

"Sorry Partner", I said, as I won the first trick and started drawing 
trumps.

Strictly speaking, I don't believe in a Supreme Being, but if there is 
one, s/he was looking over my shoulder at that very moment.  On the ace
of hearts, RHO showed out.  LHO, still not having figured out what was
going on, was really bouncing up and down and even suggested that the
5-0 offside heart break was due to my "cheating".  

I began to smile.  And laugh.  "Ah", I said, "it's only one board."
I drew trumps (losing two of 'em) and took the diamond finesse.  It
was off, so I made 4.  RHO could hardly contain her enthusiasm as she 
tore open the traveller to discover that 620 was next-to-top.
For us, that is.

The rest of the room had bid the slams (some small, some grand) that,
no matter how you sliced it, did not make.  A neat row of one and two
hundreds for North-South was punctuated by our 620 on the East-West 
side.  And one other score.  Somebody was in three hearts, making three,
doubled for 730.

I told you it was a weak game.

Postscript:
I'd like to end the story here now, although it isn't really 
proper.  Well it is proper, because that's the end of the best part, 
but there's a little coda about which I'm ashamed.  Having endured the
caterwalling of the opponents through the hand, I just couldn't be quiet.
As I left the table, I said to the opponents.  "Tough luck.  Left
to our own devices, we would probably have ended up in seven. 
After all, we're known overbidders."
--

Matthew Merzbacher	ARPA:	matthew@CS.UCLA.EDU
Moo - Moo Moo  		UUCP:	...!{uunet|rutgers|ucbvax}!cs.ucla.edu!matthew
               		This time, *with* the oys
Newsgroups: rec.games.bridge