From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: my thurs.evening
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 00:16:08 GMT
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hello to everyone.

I know this may sound typical but i'm writing this for anyone who may be
being cut off by a survivor.....of course all feelings are my own but it
may give you a clue about what your person is doing

One of the hardest things about dealing with things is that there is a
tendency to want to devote lots of time to it and that just isn't
possible now with school and all.  I feel like my life has become a
see-saw that balences between recovery and school..recovery and school.
i'm not having time to deal with anything else that might occur in my
life.  I recently came very close to completely axing a very important
person out of my life completely. This person started my (or rather
encouraged me)
on my quest to survive all this. Then as time went on, and school started
i felt we were gradually drifting apart. I did what i thought i could to
prevent this from happening but i didn't get any kind of responce and
was feeling worse and worse. i started blaming myself for whatever it
was and then began hating  my friend. I felt unworthy of that persons
love, and even worse i felt that that person thought i was unworthy of
their love. Things got worse and worse..i started avoiding any contact i
might possibly make and started lying about my feelings and generally
being rather cold when ever i did end up running into the person. 
Finally, I ran across something that belonged to my friend.  Just seeing
it and looking at it made me so upset. I would sit and look at this book
and cry because of what i felt i had lost.  Then i became so angry
because i felt abandoned..like my friend had said "here, it's good to
deal with what has happened to you (the r-word), but have fun doing it
on your own"  By this point i was so angry, i'd be damned if i was going
to call and find out why my friend didn't love me anymore. I wasn't
going to blame myself for this anymore..i wasn't going to get sad adn
cry over it anymore either. I was going to completely cut off and say
SCREW YOU.

only i can't ever cut someone off without giving a reason, no matter how
much i want to. Call me a wimp, whatever.

i went to return my friends' book. i wasn't going to have any reminder
of what i had lost hanging around my home. All it did was cause me pain
anyhow. i returned and pussy-footed around and then left..not really
saying anything. I walked down the hall and then had to turn around..i
was going to speak my mind and then end it.  I was going to tell the
person to go to hell for abandoning me and then making me feel like it
was my fault, for ignoring me and then turning it around and making me
feel like i'd been ignoring them (yes i know that i was..but that was
after the fact)

of course i didn't say any of that......i sat around mumbling what was
going on and trying to make things all better (i don't like hating
people.it takes too much energy).  My friend said that he didn't know
what was happening to me.....i realized that we were just missing each
other..he wasn't reading me and i wasn't reading him. My friend wanted
to know why didn't i trust him. Why i had to see things in Black and
White. this timw i told the truth.....?That i've learned never to trust
people and it's hard to learn to trust. and that i have to see things in
Black and White! too much has surfaced regarding my abuse
issues..sexual, emotional and physical....if i don't limit it to black
and white issues i'll lose my mind!

i think things were resolved for the meanwhile..only time can tell right?



i don't know why i wrote all of this.i guess i needed to. Hope ya'll
don't mind.........maybe it helped you understand someone, maybe you
recognised a pattern..i'll welcome comments......i needed to write
this....as usual, hope i wasn't a bother.


*hugs to those who want them*
JASMYNE



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