From: awatson@pecan.cns.udel.edu (angela watson)
Subject: Re: *thunk*thunk*thunk*
Organization: The Eternal Order of Chaos 
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 13:00:27 GMT

	'Quite some time' isn't as long as it used to be...

	*sigh*  Time for me to explain a few things...

	First off, to those who may run into me on campus (or elsewhere),
I am _not_ actively contemplating suicide now. My .project file says
'To create the perfect hemlock milkshake' not because I want to drink
one now, but because I just find it an interesting thing to ponder (like how
to mask the taste and how to determine the flavor of something you can only
drink once).  Some here and on the net have shown considerable concern
about this... please don't be.  I hate to think that people are just watching
me to see if I'm about to plummet over the edge... esp. since I don't want
anyone calling the authorities in (now that I'm finally not in a depressed
state).

	Last night, someone here happened to mention my posts to me and 
I freaked out... ooops.  After I had told/challenged him to read my posts
here a few weeks ago, I was surprised to find out that he actually had
read a few of the recent ones... my I'm silly sometimes.  It's not
that I mind anyone I know reading my articles anywhere on the net, I just
have an aversion about talking about _any_ of my written work (which is
really going to suck when I have to do it in grad school).  I have a 
tendancy to forget what I've posted... and sometimes the things I write 
are things I'd rather not have pass my lips.  So, if I happen to seem
momentarily distressed when/if you talk to me about my posts in person, it's
nothing personal -- just a generic response to all my written work.

	About Friday night/Saturday morning... seems I've made it seem
much more interesting than it really is.  The 'wonderful event' was just
relaxing and being myself for a change... including slipping into my
real accent.  All I did was talk and be very relaxed -- something that I
haven't done in a _long_ time.  I've been talking quite a bit to two
guys in my African History class (hi Steve) but I hadn't really been so
comfortable to totally be myself until the wee hours of Saturday morning.

	It was rather wonderful to completely unwind (without being alone)...
And for once, I allowed myself to talk like with my 'real' accent (the one
that comes naturally to me).  Usually, I purposefully curb it and force
myself to speak as most of the people around here do.  I also tend to
smile alot because so long as I'm smiling, I won't revert to my true accent.

	I wouldn't hide my true type of speech if it wasn't so unusual
for this area... I'm told that it is a Nothern Journy (sp?) accent [Northern
England near Scotland] and it is unusual to find someone who
has that accent outside the UK.  I have _no_ idea where I ever picked it
up, but I can recall speaking that way when I was 4-5 years old (so it
is not fake).  I actively forced myself to hide my accent as I started
going to school -- I got rather sick of people asking me when I left 
England (since I'd never been there in the first place).  

	Now that I've digressed...  I also happened to have dozed of at
someone else's place on Sat. morning and didn't wake up til around 9am.
The ticket was for parking in a fire lane that night (which I didn't
realize at the time).  It's unusual for me to just fall asleep at someone
else's place (unless I had already made plans to crash there).  When
I left that morning, it finally sunk through my thick skull that I'd had
a wonderful time without being the least bit guilty about it.  I 
knew then that I'd have to move out soon (instead of waiting til the end
of the semester) and I really didn't care about how it affected my
housemate.  It was the feeling of complete freedom to just live how I
pleased that inspired my former post... nothing more than that. (Sorry,
no exciting car chases or sex scenes from Sat. night -- I'n _not_
romantically involved with anyone right now, I don't have any romantic 
feelings for anyone here and I don't really want any type of romantic
involvment right now [that means TBG is _just_ a friend and I happen to
want to keep it that way -- now that I know him better].

	Sorry this was so long and not suicidal... I must find somewhere
else to post this sort of thing (anyone want to create alt.psycho.kitten?
anyone? anyone? 8> )

	BTW, I'm still going to work on the methods file... I just
won't have time to do it until Winter Sem starts (which is Jan 4).

		

	
-- 

Angela M. Watson / awatson@pecan.cns.udel.edu /       [.sig under] 
Psycho Kitten   / zaphodb@brahms.udel.edu    /       [construction]