From: jgacker@news.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps
Subject: B&B:  DarkSideness...
Date: 6 Jan 93 22:02:07 GMT
Organization: NASA Goddard Space Flight Center - Greenbelt, MD USA
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]




     Subsequent to my nocturnal viewing of "Bram Stoker's
DRACULA" last night, my spirit has been consumed by an
overwhelming lust for... DARKness.  A strange vapor has
entered my mind, overcoming all normal thought processes and
mental functions, transforming my convoluted neuronal
pathways into dim alleys filled with colloidal fantasies and
exotic, desire-driven whims.  Engaged in a primordial
struggle for power with this alternate faction of my
consciousness, I must retreat today to redirect and fortify
my thoughts against his internal invasion, leaving the
update for yesterday's episode of "The Bold and the
Beautiful"  in the clutching, grasping, fondling hands of...
THE DARK SIDE!

     Cast list:

     Taylor - Lay 'er
     Ridge  - Sludge
     Brooke - Brookula
     Sheila - Squealer
     Macy   - Spacy
     Karen  - Snare 'im
     Thorne - P. Throne  (P is for Porcelain)
     Steponme - Stephanie
     Ferret  - Eric
     The new kid on the block - Nameme! 

Snarl...

     Tuesday on "The Bilge and the Bountyful"

     Snare 'im is checking on the progress of briefing the
sales staff with Spacy.  Seems the man-stealing blonde
piranha is pushing some pretty tough deadlines.  Stalwart
Spacy promises that she can make them.  Snare 'im is
surprised, but says go to it!  Spacy then inquires as to
what position Snare 'im spent the New Year's in:
horizontal, vertical, kneeling, or on her hands and knees?
Snare 'im informs Spacy that she and the prize, P. Throne,
spent most of the holidays indoors with the exception of
Steponme's party.  Whyzat?  Spacy desires to inquire.  P.
Throne didn't think it would be appropriate to be parading
our inappropriate relationship in a public way prior to the
official truncation of...  my marriage with P. Throne, Spacy
finishes.  Exactamente.  To which Spacy responds, speaking
of your inappropriate appropriation, have you two lovebugs
tried any docking maneuvers in a mattress context yet?
     Snare 'im is astonished that Spacy would be asking as
to the nocturnal actions and activities of her former, er,
current, er, theoretical husband, P. Throne.  Why don't you
just tie yourself to a rack and have a stretch?  From her
evasiveness, Spacy deduces the probability that Snare 'im
and P. Throne have yet to test the conjugal waters.  Just
because I'm not saying doesn't mean we haven't been playing,
Snare 'im responds.  Spacy decides to probe a bit more
acutely.  (Seems to me her brain goes into lock whenever P.
Throne comes up.)  Doesn't the fact that P. Throne has yet
to bounce the mattress with you tell you anything, Snare
'im?  Like he's still hung up on me and my bodaciousness and
can't fathom the depths with you?  This statement perturbs
Snare 'im, but instead of point-blank telling Spacy about
the loss of her maidenhead and the 14 encore
performances, she just tells Spacy that if she asks too
close, she's gonna get burned.  Furthermore, hanging on to
the fact that the divorce documents haven't arrived in the
mail is pretty flimsy.  Spacy tells Snare 'im that P. Throne
can deliver the motions anytime.  The "burned" comment makes
Spacy think a bit -- but she can't believe that the P.
Throne she ONCE KNEW (and Biblically, too) would drop her
like a bucket of pig slop and take up with another woman
just like THAT!  Snare 'im says he may be changing, honey,
sorry to tell you.  But Spacy, on her way to the door, tells
Snare 'im that as long as the courts say she's got a right
to that man's name, number, and inseam, she's gonna fight
tooth, nail, and lip gloss for him!  Snare 'im sighs, hoping
Spacy buys a Sherlock Holmes caseful of clues soon.

     Lay 'er walks in a Sludge-Brookula embrace.  Brookula
thanks Sludge for being there when the head was down, and
Sludge says he was glad to open the door.  No kiss, to Lay
'er's relief.  She knocks like she just showed up.  Brookula
feigns moderate pleasure at seeing her.  Lay 'er comments
that compared to rugby players at the end of three
consecutive games, they look pretty good!  She sits down and
gets a quick scoop on the birth in the Big Bad Bear wilderness.
When she asks if Sludge washed his hands and did everything she told
him to, Brookula finds out that Sludge had dialed the doc's
number for instructions.  She was under the impression he
was a natural, and doesn't like the fact that Lay 'er "assisted"
with the delivery.

     In the hallways, Squealer encounters the Doc, Bride of
Frankenstein (you should see the gray streaks in this
woman's hair!)  Doc BOF tells her Brookula came through fine
with only minimal loss of blood, and she should suck it
right back up.  Ahem.  How 'bout baby Nameme?  Doc BOF
clams, leading Squealer to deduce that there's a problem.

     Lay 'er and Sludge take their leave of Brookula as Doc
BOF shows up.   (I'm a bit surprised Ferret hasn't made it
there yet, aren't you?  He was totally frantic at the
condo.)  Brookula asks about the baby.  There's a bit of a
problem.  Brookula bares her fangs and goes apoplectic,
chewing the scenery for some oral satisfaction, before the
doc tells her the baby's Asian.  You mean...  yes, it
appears that Kwai Cheng Cain is the father of your baby.
Brookula, the informed mother, asks if it might just be a
touch of jaundice.  Oh, you haven't slept with Mr. Cain?
No, I don't know who the father is, but I'm sure it isn't a
Shaolin priest.  It might be jaundice, then!  Should clear
up in a bit as long as she gets the tit, the doc says.
(Breast-feeding, you morons!  Colostrum and all that -- it's
good for the baby.  Don't you read the stuff from La Leche
League?)  Brooke understands.  As the doc leaves, Brooke
asks about the genetics workup.  The doc says if it's not
crucial, put the test off for a week.  O.K.

     Squealer shows up with flowers for Brookula, asks how
the delivery went, and why Brookula looks like she swallowed
a cageful of canaries?  Brookula tells Squealer that she and
Sludge shared the intimate popping of the pod, and thus,
when the data shows Sludge is a popping pod pappy, me and
Sludge will finally throw Lay 'er off the train and steam
off into the sunset together!  Which should make you happy,
since this birth-thing has set your teeth on edge --  your
fangs are showing, Squealer.  Squealer says nonsense, me and
Ferret are fine.  Well, you'll be better than fine, cuz
Sludge will be mine!   Squealer asks about Nameme.  Just a
touch of jaundice, but is DNAT for the DNA.  *Do Not Attempt
Test.*  Oh, for how long?  2 days, a week.  Squealer finds
this to be fascinating news.  She leaves, knowing that she
has to make certain the test confirms Brookula's belief (not
the fabric) so she and Ferret can go for the gusto.
Provided that Lauren Funnomore is taken care of, too.

     Back at home, Sludge tells Lay 'er that helping
Brookula squirt that tyke into the cold cruel world made him
feel like more than a sculptured mass of Hollywood
protoplasm.  We all get into the world that way (Dark Side
note:  except for me, I started backwards and I'm still
confused!)  and it's a profound, moving experience.  Lay 'er
fears that Sludge has been taken over by the Brookula side
of the Force.  She frets and waterworks that she always
wished she and Sludge would share the birth of their baby.
It'll still happen, Sludge promises.  Melting into a
helpless pile of gorgeous protoplasm, worried Lay 'er ask
Sludge to hold her, hold her, hold her.


     Tune into tomorrow, when we hear Prince Vlad say:
     "A man could lose his head over you, Mina!"
     to which Doctor Van Helsing replies,
     "Would you like your stake medium-rare, Count?"
     and the Count answers,
     "Oh, c'mon Doctor, have a heart."


============================================================
|  James G. Acker                       Occasional Genius  |
|  jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov        Regular Swimmer    |
|                                                          |
|  "Animal-based research in this field ignores the fact   |
|  that in humans much sexual behavior has little to do    |
|  with reproduction both psychologically and physio-      |
|  logically..."                                           |
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