From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: late at night
Date: 6 Sep 92 16:13:00 GMT
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <BtxvB8.FwF@twwells.com>, anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes...
> 
>I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
>but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
>then there would be no turning back.
>What if i'm wrong

What if you're right?  If it will help you, please write.

> 
>Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. i don't want to use my
>name cause you might know me, or them. Some people can't know things,
>they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You don't talk
>outside the family...you never go against the family.....you don't shame
>the family

I grew up with this "law".  I'm slowly breaking it.  Not about the sexual 
abuse, but a *lot* of people know about the physical abuse I took from my 
brother.  I've gotten yelled at by my mom for that, but it's worth it just 
to be able to be *me*, not the puppet I was.

> 
>Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
>they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
>and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
>break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?

I read a body image book a while back...one of *many* books I've read since 
this started.  They suggest loving one piece of you at a time.  Pick 
something fairly simple, like your ear.  *Not* something that was abused.  
Move to a new place every day/week/month (whatever feels comfortable) until 
you love all of you.  I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.

> 
>I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
>want to be good but i can't. 

You *aren't* dirty, vile, *or* disgusting.  You just have a broken mirror (
a *great* quote I read in a *romance* novel believe it or not).  Have you 
ever looked into a broken mirror?  YOu can't possibly look good.  Realize 
that your mirror was broken by your abusers.  *You* are not ugly.  You are 
a survivor, so you're beautiful.  Keep saying that to yourself.  Or come to 
us and *we'll* say it to you.

>I am a child....in some ways. A little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't 
>ready when it happened, does this make sence? 

Yes, it makes sense.  I think all of us can relate.  You are not alone in 
this.

>The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last
>year.  I admit that i most likely brought it on myself(even though i
>know i'm ot supposed to say that) But the thing is that i'd never really
>had a boyfriend. I don't know what's supposed to happen. You have to do
>whatever he says right? 

No, you don't.  But you may not already know that.  And it may take a while 
for you to "get it in you gut".  Keep telling yourself that, though.  You 
have *all* rights to your body...no one else does.  Even if you are married,
I firmly believe that you have the right to your body (no matter what the 
law says).  And, if he *really* cares about you, he'll respect those 
boundaries.  Of course, first he has to know what they are.  That's where 
you come in.

>But i think that anyone who wants me wants me only for my body..

I am a thirty year old who still has trouble with this.  Ask my SO.  But 
we're working on it.  And he's good about telling me that I'm more than my 
body.

>I'm lonely.
> 
>i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
>i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
>someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
>direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now

Jasmyne, *I* won't reject you.  I can't talk for the rest of the group.  
Please continue to post when you want or need to.  And, at the risk of 
sounding too flippant, up is where the sun is.  Keep going toward the 
warmth and light.  You'll find it someday.

Gentleness to all!
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery