From: mickey@bach.udel.edu (Mickey McCarter)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: HHG to ST:TNG (Scenes 5 and 6)
Date: 30 Mar 92 04:27:11 GMT
Organization: University of Delaware

SCENE 5	: On the Enterprise, everything is slowly returning to normal.
	  Continental plates are again forming on the forehead of Worf.
	  Picard is rapidly losing his hair and his shade of blue, and
	  Troi's third breast is fast melting away, much to her, and
	  Riker's, silent disappointments.

	  Meanwhile, the Borg has left the sector in a rather confused
	  state of a collectively irrelevant whale existence.

Worf	: Burp.

Picard	: Your report, Mr. Data.

Data	: It appears that an improbability field was created by the Heart
	  of Gold, which caused the Borg to turn into the sperm whale, and
	  everything else that happened here on the Enterprise as well.
	  Including, sir, your existence as a small blue ...

Picard	: Yes, yes, Data.  And where is the Heart of Gold?

Worf	: Sir, the Heart of Gold has materialized in Shuttle Bay Three.
	  Should I send over a security team?

Picard	: Prisoners!  Good, I've always wanted some.  Worf, Data,
	  come with me.  You have the bridge, Number One.

Worf and Data starts to follow Picard into the turbo-lift.

Picard	: Prisoners ... perhaps I will read them some of my favorite
	  Shakespearean performances.

Worf paused in his tracks like a waiter with five trays on each arm
suddenly stopped by a very merry and potentially high-tipping grandmother
holding out the fifty photographs of her twenty grandchildren, and asking
him, very nicely, if he would like to see her pictures.

Worf	: Shakespeare, sir?

Picard	: Yes, Mr. Worf.  William Shakespeare was a sixteenth century
	  Earth playwrite.  One of the most talented ...

Worf	: I am familiar with Shakespeare, sir.  Permission to remain on
	  the bridge, sir, in case the Borg returns.

Picard	: But Worf, I don't believe you've heard me do Anthony of Julius
	  Caesar before.  (clears throat)  Friends, Romans, countrymen!

Worf	: In fact, sir, I *have* heard you do Anthony of Julius Caesar.

Picard	: Oh.  Well, come along anyway.  Maybe I'll do one of Hamlet's
	  soliloquys.

Worf followed Picard and Data into the turbo-lift, first with great
hesitation, then with a re-newed sense of Klingon's enjoyment for pain
and suffering.

Worf	: Yes, sir.

Data	: I, sir, have always being intrigued by your fascination with
	  Shakespeare.

Picard	: Ah, well.  You see, Data, Shakespeare ...

The doors of the turbo-lift closed on them with a sigh of a job well
done.  Worf took a deep breath, vastly expanding his chest, and with
great difficulty refrained himself from breaking Data's rather stiff
neck with a snap of his own rather stiff fingers.  Ah ... he sighed
deeply to himself.  This is going to be even better than the Age of
Ascension Ceremony that he went through a couple staryears ago on the
holodeck, courtesy of Data, Geordi, and Wes.  No fake and cowardly
computer imageries this time.  This, he thought happily, is going to
be _real_ pain.



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SCENE 6	: In Shuttle Bay Three, Picard, Data, Worf, and a team of
	  security personnels have surrounded the Heart of Gold.

Picard	: All right, open up!  We know you're in there, and we've got
	  you surrounded!

Worf	: Permission to kick the door in, sir.

Picard	: No, Lieutenant.  We must act like civilized Starfleet officers.
	  (coughs) "In civility thou seem'st so empty", Mr. Worf.

Data	: Ah, Captain.  _As You Like It_, Act Two.  Spoken by, I believe,
	  Duke Senior.

Picard	: You're quite correct, Mr. Data.

Worf had a sudden vision of Picard running and screaming from his burning
quarters, with twenty sweetly poisoned Klingon Death-O-Shot crossbow arrows
protruding from his back, and Data running closely behind, informing him
on exactly how much longer before the poisons will take effect, whether he
will die first due to loss of blood, what kind of psychological impacts
that the arrows will likely to have on his subconscious, and then lightly
comment on the fact that he is acting quite uncivilized for a Starfleet
Captain.

Shaking himself into reality, he is suddenly relieved by the fact that
both Picard and Data are standing on the other side of the Heart of Gold
from him.

Worf	: My apologies, sir.  It's just that I've got myself all worked up.

He is desperately hoping that the occupants of the ship in front of him
will give themselves up real soon, so that he can show them just how
uncivilized he really is.

Meanwhile, in the Heart of Gold, Zaphod and company have finally activated
the external cameras without Eddie ...

Arthur	: I think we're surrounded.

Zaphod	: Nice observation, Monkey Man.

Arthur	: What happened to that guy's head?

Zaphod	: He's a Klingon, dumbo.

Arthur is relieved that he is still being insulted.  Even though he has
no idea what is going on, at least he is still in familiar territory.

Ford	: So, how 'bout we break out some Blast-O-Zap's, and shoot our ways
	  outta here.

Trillian: I think we should surrender.

Ford	: That was my second idea.

Arthur	: Good thinking.

Zaphod	: I was gonna show them who they're dealing with, but seeing that
	  I'm out-voted here, and it would take much too much energy for
	  me to do it all along ... well, all right, we'll let them have
	  their fun, just for now.

The loading platform of the Heart of Gold swings open, and the crew walks
out into the circle of the Enterprise security, arms above the heads.

Picard	: (straightening his uniform, of course)  I am Jean-Luc Picard,
	  Captain of the USS Enterprise.  I demand to know what on the
	  Enterprise are you doing in my Shuttle Bay Three!

Zaphod	: Captain Picard.  Do you have any idea who you are speaking to?

Picard	: (taken aback)  Err..., no.

Zaphod	: Count my heads, Picard.

Picard	: Well, you have two heads.

Zaphod	: Very good, Picard.  And how many arms do I have?

Picard	: You have three arms.

Data	: Captain, only one man in the galaxy has two heads and three arms.

Picard	: Yes ... Zaphod Beeblebrox the First, President of the United
	  Federation of Planets!

Zaphod	: That's right, dude.  You're looking at the very froody Zaphod
	  Beeblebrox.  The one and only.

Data	: _Former_ President, Captain.  We have just received an emergency
	  all-channel sub-etha broadcast announcing his theft of the
	  Federation's newest starship, the Heart of Gold.  The broadcast
	  also includes an arrest order for Mr. Beeblebrox.

Ford	: Oh, Zarquons!

Worf	: (beaming happily)  An arrest!  (this is working out better than Worf
	  had hoped)  May I interrogate them, sir?

Picard	: Well, he _was_ the President.

Worf	: But they are prisoners now, sir.

Picard	: All right, interrogate them if you must.  Ask them what they want
	  to drink.

Worf takes a deep breath, expanding his chest tremendously.  He walks around
the crew of the Heart of Gold, eyeing them through the corner of his eyes.
His lips are shut in a tight, thin line.  He examines every square centimeter
of every person up and down, in great detail, stopping at Trillian a little
longer than the others.

Worf	: (barks)  All right, you scums!  (taking both of Zaphod's two chins
	  in his two hands and turning both of his heads to him)  Look at me
	  when I'm talking to you, you no-good, stinking, son-of-a-Purmusian
	  jungle turtle with ...

Picard	: Relax, Lieutenant.

Worf	: (takes another deep breath)  Yes, sir.  (turning back to Zaphod,
	  he barks)  WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK ??!!

Zaphod	: Well, I can sure use some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

Worf	: WITH ICE OR WITHOUT ???!!!

Zaphod	: Without.  I like it straight.

Worf	: LEMON ????!!!!

Zaphod	: Yeah.  Give me two slices.

Worf	: (turning to Ford)  AND YOU??!!

Ford	: Oh, the same, please.  But can you put one of those Pogolarian
	  snow lizards in mine?

Worf	: I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS !!!!!!!

Picard	: Lieutenant ...

Worf	: (turning to Arthur)  AND WHAT DO YOU WANT, MONKEY MAN??!!

Arthur	: Do you have any tea?

Worf	: WHAT!!!!

Data	: Tea, Worf.  I believe Geordi is working on some right now.

Suddenly, the red-alert siren echoes through the ship.

Riker	: (over the intercom)  Captain Picard to the bridge!

Picard	: (hitting his communications pin)  On my way.  (to the security)
	  Take these gentlemen and the lady to our Presidential Detention
	  Suite.  Make sure you show them how to use the jacuzzi.

Ensign 1: Yes, sir!



Will Arthur finally be able to get his tea?  Did Worf just narrowly
escaped another one of Picard's Shakespeare performances?  Will the
Enterprise send Zaphod to (gasp!) the Total Perspective Vortex on
Frogstar?  And finally, will Deanna add a third breast to herself
surgically?  Don't miss the next exciting episode of ...

	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!


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Article 3528 of alt.fan.douglas-adams: