From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: spoiler?
Date: 20 Dec 1992 18:00:24 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


possible spoler
some poeple are just incredublply fucking not userful.  called freidf.  only
person know is awake.  gave us nice use ful practical advice about what tod o
abou tfucking final and we know alread, sonuded totally helpless we dropped
the phone a couple times to just cry and then hung up on h im.  he called back.
we got nice fucking calm and reassured that we were fine, we were goign to write
to asar and go to sleep and we would be fine.  this was less than five 
minutes after we said how stupid it was that we thought about killing ourselves
becuase we couldn't write a stupid final exam.

we closed down and acted like we  were okay -- he said that we were a really
amazing person and that someday this would be a foggy memory.  in our head
we screamed at him "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT" several times.

some of this feels like high school.  maybe vanessa's been out.  she's in 
high school and we don't know how old bobbi is, maybe she is here too ,she's
an angry one.

we've had that feeling when you really don't want to do something and so you
avoid it and avoid it -- about this stupid paper -- and we were stilly wanint
to avoid it but tried to force ouself in here to write it and got really
upset and we aren't goig to try to -- if we feel capable of it tomorrow we
will, maybe we will talk to teacher, maybe we will send her letter & 'pologize.
doubt we will pass the class.  maybe we will.  if we fail the class we be
suspended again, but we thinking about taking a year off from schol anyway,
so it won't be a complete tradegy.  i don't like thinking about hurting 
myself and I was hitting my hand over and over on the desk and I odn't
know what to do and I keep wanting to say that I don't even know why i'm 
feeling like this but I DO and we keep screaming and i wish somebody was here
with me but i'm glad nobody is  and afraid call friend who asid we can call
who we have agree,emt with to call afore we do major physical damage self so
if we want to do anything really bad we have to call her but we don't want wake
her up and housemate be ho me within a hour we hope, oh shit, maybe she bring
friends with her we don't want that, she is at the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

We just ran down in the basement and sat there we don't know why.  and we got
ourselves some water to drink.  we keep wanting to do the things we always to
when we aren't okay, like read stupid books and eat chocolate and lots of
sugary things and thinking about adding new tone -- drinking alcohol but we
aren't doing any of those thigns, but they all help to numb self but if not
numb then what the fuck am I supposed to do instead?

we think we know some more of why we are so scared.  we wrote poem to mother
and sent it to her.  and we wrote letter to high school about being sexually
abused there & sent it to th em.  and we wrote letter to Ellen Bass saying how
invalidating to people who were sexually abused by women her intro to 
_I Never Told Anyone_ is, and we sent it.  maybe we're scared from all that.

and we're scared of our friends and we're scared of having friends and we're
scared of being multiple and we're scared of being friends with multiples and
we just really scared and I keep thinking about doing bad things to myself and
I don't want to do them but can anybody tell me what I'm supposed to do instead?
because I really don't know.  help please.

we tried calling one friend.  that didn't work.  but we arne' close tot him
anyway and it was particially talking to him that got us upset in the first
place because we feel real ambivalent about that relationship and he was 
trying to get us to commit with spending time with him before the vacation
and we dont' want to and we don't want to say that we don't want to spend 
time with him because that isn't necessarily true, we dno
' tkow sorry soryr
sorry 

ireallyhatemyselfsometimes

ireally shouldj't say that
but we do 

maybe we don't whave to be in college.  maybe that would be okay.  we don't 
know.  we are really really sorry we really want to hurt self and we keep 
not doing it but we don't know how long we can and we are afraid to wake
friend up and we wish housemate would get home -- but the thing is -- we don't
really think that having any people here would actually help.  but I still
don't know what to do.

and my throat hurts.  and my sinuses hurt from crying.  and i feel like a 
failure.  i tought I could do it this semester and I was wrong and it has
been really really hard and i feel so bad but it isn't me that is bad it
is what was done with me, all that stuff I won't let myself remember

possibly more spoilers about details about abuse

we were in our room.  and that man came in.  and we don't think this is
real we cn'a tsay this we cant  we are making it all up we are making it
all up we are we are are are making it all up.  his breath
stank.  he hurt us.  i don't know what he did.  he sat down on our bed
and we had to slide towards him because that sid eof the bed was lower now
and we felt  him and his hands were big and we don't know what happened
we don't know what happened we think 
did he take our clothes off?
did he take his clothes off?
i don't know
did he touch us?
our face, our chest that didn't have breasts yet?
our private parts?
we dont know, we think so i'm sorry i sholdn't say this because I don't 
remember i don't know what happened i really really don't remember i don't
remember i don't remember i don't remember i don't remember
did he put something inside us? did it h urt?
did he put something in our mouth?
did it taste bad?
was it gross stuff did it make us choke?
we dont know we don't remember we don't remember we don't remember we don't
know but he must have done something and why do we keep screaming   i want to
break something
did he smother us?
did his wait lay heavy onto us
could we breath
we don't know we don't know we don't know
did he put his toungue in our mouth?
gross
we think, we think we must have, we think we must have been forced to put 
things in our mouths.  penises, vaginas, breasts, fingers, tongues.  we don't 
know but we think we must have.  chokcing chocking I can breathe k
he keeps moving help me help me mommy where is my mommy help help help help
i don't know what help breath help help help not go away i want you to go
away and i can't help chelp help do n't please don'e 'say you like it' tellme
you like it you littl slut their breath comes faster and faster they are so
heavy we don't know what they are doing we don't know we don't know why we keep
saying this what is happening to us help me mommy i dcna't breathe i'm dieing
i want to die

us peoples  we think that might have jennifer or one next to her or stephanie
translating we don't know

we don't know what happened or if anything did but we think something did and
we dont' want to know we don't want to remember.


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