From: jpglori@srv.PacBell.COM (John P. Gloria)
Subject: Re: Need serious advice
Organization: Pacific * Bell
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 05:14:48 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.151129.8806@bsu-ucs.uucp> 00rabarton@bsu-ucs.uucp writes:
> [ text deleted ]
>Two nights later, he's out with a couple of the women from that group 
>at a singles dance, and one of these women phones me around midnight 
>and uses some profanity to warn me against seeing him again.  I'm in 
>total shock by this time.  I told him what happened, and he was angry 
>and couldn't imagine who would do such a thing, and said I didn't 
>deserve that, etc.  The call was anonymous, but it was a woman, and 
>was obviously made from a dance or party, from the background noise, 
>and came at the time he was out with these women.
>
Fact:  a person does not just go out and party without
their SO and have "fun" unless they have been contemplating this for 
a while. Probability:  the odds are that he already knew one of the 
ladies and has been seeing her prior to this one night that
you rudely found out about.
>
>Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out who did this.  But instead 
>of dealing with it, this guy is out with the same bunch of women the 
>next night.  And the next day, Sunday, he stood me up for a function 
>we had agreed to attend, since we were invited before all this came 
>up.  Never called or showed up.
>
Oh, he is dealing with it alright.  He is dealing with attempting 
to have his cake and eat it to.   All the signs are there.  You
even SEE THEM.  
>
>Then Monday night, he phones to chat and when I mentioned the function 
>he missed, he said sorry, he had been busy.   He also said we hadn't 
>made definite plans. We had.  Even if they hadn't been definite, a 
>phone call would have been appropriate.
>
The man is lying to you and YOU KNOW IT.  At least be honest with 
with yourself (I think you are).  You are at a point right now
of denial or probably near-panic and insecurities are surrounding 
your mind/heart/soul (all normal feelings/reactions).
>
>Mutual friends have told me that he does care for me, and I should be 
>patient, give him time and space, and keep the lines of 
>communication open.
>
What do your friends know? Nothing!  They are only saying what you 
want to hear.  Only your soon to be ex knows and if he was man 
enough, he would 'fess up and let you get back to your life and
start afresh.
>
>I love this guy very much, but I'm doubtful that I should continue to 
>put up with this behavior.  I should mention that this is extremely 
>unlike him, that he's usually a very responsible, very dedicated, caring man.
>
>We have been very good for each other, and he's said repeatedly that 
>no one has ever been as good to him as I have, or cared about him as 
>much as I do.  We have a wonderful time together always, even going to 
>the grocery.  We get along perfectly .... don't even fight.  We do 
>things for each other all the time.  He's shown his caring countless 
>times in countless ways.
>
It is obvious that you care deeply for him.  It is also obvious 
(IMHO) that he is only thinking about himself and your feelings 
are secondary (probably third).  He was "comfortable" with you
and you offered some security for him during the past three
years.  His interest has been changed and the other lady already
seems to think/know that he belongs to her now.  I can imagine
what he has been telling her.  You know, how nice you are
and all the b.s.  On the other hand, the new girlfriend is
"different", blah, blah, blah.  
>
>
>Even as I read what I'm writing, I can see that this is a pattern of male 
>behavior.  I should mention that we are both mid-40ish.
>
It seems like he is going through his mid-life-crisis and you
are going to be history.
>
>This is a man that my kids and family adore, and I know his family 
>likes me very much, and wishes that we would get married.  His 
>previous marriage was 20 years of hell, and mine was 16 good, and one 
>bad year.  I've NEVER pushed for marriage, tho, because I knew he 
>needed time to heal from his divorce, which was the longest, messiest 
>one I've ever seen. No, I was NOT involved in the divorce.  We started 
>dating months later.
>
Yeah, doesn't this always seem the way it is.  He is so wonderful,
you are so wonderful, the wonderful couple.  Reality has hit
your relationship.  IMHO you are better off, at least you were not 
married to the jerk.  I know, I don't know him like you do.
Really?  I also must apologize for my style of writing but
that is my style.  I do not intend my post to be a flame or
a put-down to you.  You asked for honest opinions/experiences.
>
>
>I'd appreciate a serious response from anyone who's more experienced 
>at this that I.  Flamers please bother someone else.  I've had enough 
>grief to last a lifetime.   Is this just a case of "another 
>transitional woman bites the dust", or is it something I should have 
>patience with, and wait out?  This guy is truly unique, and is by far 
>the best man I've ever met.  This last week notwithstanding, he does 
>live by something called honor....a word that few men even understand.
>
>Serious advice, anyone?
>
>00rabarton@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
>00rabarton@bsuvax1.bitnet
>
Honor happens to go out the door when a person has the hots
for someone else when he/she is already in a relationship.
I am 45 years young and I have enough personal experiences 
to write a book.  I have been the initiator and the recipient of
your experience.  You seem to be a very loving person and
you should NOT have to tolerate some guy pounding a stake
through your heart.

"The head learns new things, but the heart forever more
practices old experiences."    Henry Ward Beecher
===============================================================

-- 
        ---------  John Gloria - jpglori@pacbell.com	--------	
 		"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination
	       is out of focus."   -     Mark Twain
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