From: mcmahon@nd.edu (Sheila M. McMahon)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps
Subject: ATWT: TAN: Patterns - More WEENIES
Date: 9 Oct 92 14:57:38 GMT
Organization: OUC, University of Notre Dame

And now, stay tuned to WOAK for another episode of Patterns. And now, here's
our host, the darling of WOAK, WOAKim Hughes.

WOAKim: Thank you Don Pardo, and welcome everyone once again to Patterns.
    We have such a wonderful show for you today, that I can barely contain
    myself. Our scheduled topic for today was "WHY ARE THE WALLS SO PAPER
    THIN IN YUCKDALE?". However, we had such a wonderful response to last
    weeks show, "WEENIES, WHAT MAKES THEM TICK", that we decided to continue
    with that theme here today, and put off this weeks show until next week.
    As one loyal viewer pointed out, there are so many WEENIES in YUCKdale,
    that we barely scratched the surface. So without further ado, lets get
    on with the show.

    Our first guest is known to many around YUCKdale and Luthers Corners.
    I am, of course, referring to Ivagottasecret Snyder. Welcome
    Ivagottasecret.

Ivagotta: Thank you WOAKim. (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh). I'm really happy to be here
    today. (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh).

WOAKim: Tell us why you're such a Weenie.

Ivagotta: Well, I've spent most of my life lying to the people I love. It
    always backfires, so you would think I would get a clue, but I guess I'm
    too much of a WEENIE.(sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). My first big lie started
    when I was 13. I was raped by my cousin Josh, who is now married to my
    sister MegPie (but that's another story). I got pregnant, gave birth to
    Chilly, and gave her up for adoption. She was adopted by Juicy Walsh.

WOAKim: Not a very good person to cross.

Ivagotta: You said it WOAKim. Anyway, years later, I found Chilly again.
    She didn't even know that she had been adopted. However, I didn't tell
    her the truth. I LIED TO CHILLY, which, to her, is a worse crime than
    rape. In fact, she forgave Josh even before she forgave me because he
    hadn't lied to her. Eventually she forgave me (which is like being
    forgiven by the Almighty). Now you would think that I would learn my
    lesson from that episode in my life, but I didn't. I'm so much of a
    WEENIE (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) that I'm doing it again. I'm lying
    to Chilly, her husband and my brother (but that's another story) Hold'em,
    and my other brother K-Lip. When K-Lip was married to JoolSlut, she had
    a one-night stand with Hold'em. As often happens in these situations,
    the SLUT got pregnant. Unbeknownst to Chilly, Hold'em and K-Lip, but
    beknownst to most of the rest of YUCKdale, the SLUT gave birth to Error,
    Hold'em's son. I adopted Error because I wanted him to grow up as a
    Snyder. But I didn't want to ruin Chilly and Hold'em's happiness.
    (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). But, I'm such a WEENIE that I didn't realize
    that if I had told the truth from the beginning, everything would have
    worked out ok. K-Lip would have eventually got past it and so would 
    Chilly. Chilly and Hold'em would have gotten married knowing the truth,
    and they would have dealt with it. I mean, everyone acts as though
    Hold'em betrayed Chilly when he slept with the SLUT. Why does everyone
    forget that Hold'em was married to AnGel at the time he slept with
    JoolSlut??? (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh). Anyway, that's my WEENIE story.

WOAKim: I don't mean to sound critical Ivagottasecret, but has anyone ever
    told you that you sigh a lot? Isn't that another symptom displayed by
    WEENIES??

Ivagotta: Yes it is! And, it's something that I've been trying to control.

WOAKim: Well good luck to you Ivagottasecret. Our next guest is my son-in-law
    QUEERHAIR. Welcome QUEERHAIR.

QrHr: Thank you WOAKim, and may I say that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

WOAKim: Listen buster, your flattery isn't going to work with me. I'm on
    to your games. So just get on with your story.

QrHr: Well, to begin with, the name QUEERHAIR says it all doesn't it? I have
    this goofy hairdo. But there's more! I had several affairs while married
    to my first wife, Chairolegs. One of these affairs occurred in Rome and
    it was with Babs, who is the sister of my second wife Frantic, your 
    daughter, WOAKim. I didn't see Bab's again until Chairolegs and I 
    arrived in YUCKdale to see a specialist about my wife's paralysis. 
    Chairolegs was paralyzed in a skiing accident. This may have been my
    fault. I may have tried to kill her, but I'm not sure because the
    WRITERS ARE TAKING FOREVER WITH THIS STORYLINE. When I arrived in 
    YUCKdale, I found that Bab's had given birth to JennyDarryl. She told
    me that Cabin Cruiser was the father, and I believed her. I'M SUCH A
    WEENIE!! Meanwhile, my wife was murdered, and I may have had her killed
    and framed Cabin Cruiser for the murder. But I'm not sure because the
    WRITERS ARE TAKING FOREVER WITH THIS STORYLINE. Shortly after the 
    murder, I proposed to Frantic after BEACH DANCING with her. Much to my
    surprise, she said yes. But, as you all know, Frantic is a WEENIE too.
    Cabin cruiser wrote Frantic a letter accusing me of murdering Chairolegs
    and framing him. And Frantic believes him!! Because of all my WEENIE
    lies, my wife believes I'm a murderer.

WOAKim: Well I gues you couldn't help yourself, because you're such a
    WEENIE. Our next guest is known not only here in YUCKdale, but all over
    the world. She's that famous fashion designer, Barbed Ryan. Welcome
    Babs, and tell us your story.

Babs: Well, my story is similar to Ivagottasecret's. I'm a WEENIE because
    I constantly lie to the people I love. It all started when I lied to my
    husband, SuperD. I didn't tell him that he was the father of Margo's
    son AdamAnt. But in all fairness he should have figured it out for 
    himself. I did! No one told me. All I had to do was look at a calendar.
    I mean he's supposed to be this super cop, and he was too stupid to do
    a little simle arithematic. All he had to do was count to nine.

WOAKim: Golly, that's a wonderful idea for another show. STUPID COPS!!
    Anyway, continue with your story.

Babs: When SuperD found out that I knew about AdamAnt and didn't tell him,
    he got so mad at me that I did what most YUCKdaleans do in similar 
    situations. I RAN AWAY!! I ended up in Rome, met QUEERHAIR, and slept 
    with him. As you may have guessed, I got pregnant. When SuperD found 
    me, he asked me point blank if he was the father. This was my opportunity
    to come clean. He would have forgiven me. But being the WEENIE that I
    am, I lied and said that it was his child. We went back to YUCKdale,
    and on the day that I gave birth to JennyDarryl, QUEERHAIR arrived in
    town. I lied to him and said that JennyDarryl was not his child. I
    finally told SuperD the truth and he had a hissy fit. So he ran away
    and joined the Crime Commission and is working under cover for the
    Harper Brothers crime family. Meanwhile, I got involved with Cabin 
    Cruiser, and told QrHr that JennyDarryl was Cabin's child. Eventually,
    the truth came out and now my sister Frantic hates me. And, it's all
    because I'm a WEENIE.

WOAKim: Golly, all three of our guests have such sad stories. Remember, if
    you or someone you love is a WEENIE, help is available. Just call
    1-800-WEENIES. If you have any suggestions for future Patterns shows,
    either post them to the net, or send them email to our program 
    director Irish, at the following address: mcmahon.3@nd.edu. 

    Be sure to tune in next week to patterns when our topic will be
    "WHY ARE THE WALLS SO PAPER THIN IN YUCKDALE". Goodbye everyone!


Irish
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps