From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #126
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: 21st Century Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 02:16:01 GMT

 ___________    __________________    __________________
|TOXIC CUSTA|  |Written by Daniel |  |at he has. But he'|
|RD WORKSHOP|  |__________ Bowen i|  |s usua ___________|
|FILES - Num|   __________|n one o|  |lly ok|___________ 
|ber 126, 14|  |f thos ___________|  |ay onc _____ e he'|
|th of Decem|  |e mome|___________   |s take|_____|n all|
|ber, 1992. |  |nts of insanity th|  |of his medication.|
|___________|  |__________________|  |__________________|

MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Charity. The Brotherhood of St Lawrence sent around one of those
collection bags last week. So we put our used tinnies in it - they'll         T
get a surprise when they pick it up on Monday morning! Now, don't think       h
I'm unsympathetic to the poor, but it's their own fault - they're only        e
poor because they don't have any money. They should cheat the dole like
everyone else. We managed to get Fred on an invalid pension, and he's         Q
just thick. And that doesn't stop him working as a brickie most days          u
Now, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "old bitch, cheating        e
the Social Security.." Well I have to. 'Cos taxes are so high. If we          e
didn't cheat, we'd never have any money for smokes or booze.                  n
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                                                                              w
A WORD ABOUT TECHNOLOGY                                                       a
Never listen to any sales pitch that claims a miracle new "21st               s
Century" device. It's bound to be crap. By the time that the 21st
century actually arrives, they'll be calling marvy new stuff "22nd            i
century". The 21st century is nine years away, for heaven sakes. How          n
insulted do you think we would be if back in 1983 they had been
claiming that the latest gadgets were "1990s technology"? Yes, the            O
latest brand-new incredible 1990s technology- the Commodore 64                x
computer!!... the IBM PC-XT!!!... the incredible new VHS                      f
video-recorder! (with cord remote control!!!!)...                             o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       r
                                                                              d
This week a new Police Art Exhibition opens at the State Bank Centre
Galleria in Melbourne. Amongst the many creations on display by members       y
of the police force are:                                                      e
    - portrait of suspect climbing through house window                       s
    - diagram of truck collision in South Road                                t
    - montage image of wanted man Arnold Psychopath                           e
    - cubist rendition of a bank hold-up                                      r
    - line sketch in chalk of corpse                                          d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       a
                                                                              y
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 8
                                                                              t
Inspector Sideburn, substitute detective from the temp agency, had            o
reached a dead-end in his hunt for the armed robbers. So he backed out
of the No Through Road and went back to the local police station to do        o
somethingking in his office. Sideburn thought about the problem for a         p
while, considered his promise to beat up some suspects by episode             e
eight, and decided to get out of the office and go and find some              n
suspects to beat up. A promise was a promise, after all. He had made
the pledge in the pub, the Chicken And Bucket, a few days ago, to the         a
author, in an effort to ensure that the story kept moving.
    In the Chicken And Bucket, there were rumblings. Not to mention two       n
vomits, one collapse and no less than four drunken stupors. It was back       e
here that Sideburn made his way, to hunt out a few criminal types, to         w
get a drink, and most of all, to try and win back his money off that
damn poker machine. After collecting a dubious-looking beverage from          m
the barman, he spied a likely-looking suspect: "Scar" Seymour, infamous       a
for being a buddy of the nasty, a foe of the friendly, and loose of the       r
bowel.                                                                        r
    Sideburn sidled his way over to Seymour and sat down next to him,         i
taking care to hold his nose in the least obvious way possible. "Scar"        a
Seymour let one of his killer glares loose in Sideburn's direction, but       g
it flew past him and hit some poor bastard coming out of the gents'.          e
    "What the fucking hell do you fucking want, Sideburn, you fucking
cunt?"                                                                        g
    "Cut the pleasantries Scar. I'm here on business."                        u
    "Oh yeah? Is that a fucking fact? Number ones or number twos?"            i
    Sideburn decided to show him which of the two, and picked up Scar         d
by the lapels on his grey jacket and dragged him towards the toilet.          a
The other patrons were quite used to this sort of thing, and hardly           n
took any notice. After all, what people wanted to do in the toilet was        c
their business, and anyway, the condom machine was fully stocked.             e
    But Sideburn had other matters on his mind this time, and he shoved
Scar into the toilet, into the unoccupied (and significantly less             c
clean) cubicle and thence into the toilet bowl, before flushing. He           e
muttered something about scum before dragging Scar back out and somehow       n
squeezing his head into the clean and hygienic warm air hand-dryer for        t
a few seconds. The auto-beam went into action, and Scar got an instant,       r
and very bad, blow wave.                                                      e
    Scar was quite shook-up by this, and became more placid. As one           .
would.
    "Now Scar, I think you know why I'm here."
    "To fucking generally terrorise innocent crims and look tough in
your shitkickers?"
    "Yeah. But stop swearing, will you? You're just going to shock the
readers."
    "Oh c'mon, the fucking readers never get offended by this shit
anymore, it's all so fucking predictable."
    "So gimme the info!"
    "Look Sideburn, I never fucking touched those sheep. It was my twin
fucking brother.."
    "Not that! The robbery. Who did it?"
    "I dunno Mr Sideburn, fucking honest I don't."
    "Oh yeah? Shall we see if that nose of yours likes the smell of the
urinal?"
    "All right, all right! I heard Jake might be fucking around doing
something."
    Sideburn smiled a smile so big you could see the three gaps in his
teeth. He thanked Scar for his trouble, tipped him ten cents, returned
to the bar, finished his drink, plus one more, plus another, plus one
for the road, staggered out and drove back to his office to sleep it
off. He slept long and snored loud, until he woke suddenly in episode
nine.

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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia------------|  "We all live in a mellow submarine..."
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|                       - The Jamaican Beatles
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
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