From: elia@monsoon.cs.odu.edu (Lee Elia)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: coping with being "just a friend"
Date: 7 Apr 92 23:59:23 GMT
Organization: Old Dominion University Dept. of CS, Norfolk VA

In article <1473.29E13ABE@weyr.fidonet.org> Carl.Rosenberg@p4.f22.n140.z1.fidonet.org (Carl Rosenberg) writes:
>
>This weekend I had "just a friend" visit me for the weekend.  I'm a man and my 
>friend is a woman.   Now just 4 hours after she has left I'm an emotional 
>basketcase - or so it seems.  It's not that I'm a basketcase it's just that I'm 
>feeling feelings that I'm afraid to acknowledge.  

What are the feelings?

>This weekend was wonderful and awful at the same time.  We went exploring, we 
>talked a lot, we just sat around and enjoyed each other's company, we were NOT 
>intimate sexually - we were, as I said before, "just friends."  What was not so 
>great was that through our discussions I said more than I should of too her.  
>For example, I shared some of my critisisms that I had of other people with her. 
>Now in my opinion there are two reasons why I should have kept my mouth shut:

Why is talking such a bad thing?

>a) She is a friend, not a real soul-close friend, and we don't know each other 
>enough to be confiding on that level, In other words, she hasn't gained my 
>complete confidence  and 

How well do you have to know someone to start confiding in them?  If you wait
until you know them "well enough," don't you think you'll be waiting a long
long time?  You have got to start somewhere.

>b) I'm still messed up by the fact the I have these actually quite negative 
>attitudes and I should be working on myself, not looking for fault in others.

In my recovery what I want is to let go a little more each day.  So that means
that I stop trying to control the way I feel, even if the feelings are negative.
I think feelings just are, that they flow through me, coming and going, and I 
have little control.  I can acknowledge them (in fact that's pretty much a
necessity), but that's about the only control I have over my feelings, IF I'm
doing what I think is healthy.  But I'm not always going to have have 
"recovery correct" emotions so I can stop beating myself for that.


>The feelings I'm afraid to acknowledge is that of infatuation. I've gone through    
>wow! This REALLY attracts me!  This added with her physical 
>presence - she's not shabby to look at - has reignited my romantic fancies.

>What is confusing to me, is the fact that she drove 4 hours one way to be with 
>Now if I were going to visit someone that was 4 hours away I'd 
>be pretty damn interested in them.  

>with this female friend I'm 
>downright confused.  I'm really glad that my 1 year rule (and she knows about it 
>too - so I can't break the rule) was there to keep me from doing anything too 
>stupid, but I'm already afraid for myself at the end of the month when I'm 
>"free". 

I would probably try discussing this with her.  When I hold stong feelings inside
they always explode in an unhealthy way.  Tell her how you felt, assuming
you haven't already.

Lee

-- 
"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, 
and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But 
these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, 
except to people who don't understand..."    --    the Skin Horse