From: anonasar@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Hin'ts for SO's (Spoiler/Updated)
Date: 3 Oct 92 16:38:24 GMT
Organization: Bleeding Edge Technologies

X-ANON-Version: 0.5

[Reposted in response to Krikket's request; if nobody objects, maybe
we could get this in the FAQ for posterity.]

[Updated October 2, 1992 to include stuff on sleeping]

I am posting this anonymously to protect the privacy of my beloved
survivor.

I've been the SO of a survivor for some time, and I lurk on asar and
occasionally email to people who ask questions about SO issues.
Finally I had an opportunity to consolidate some of my thoughts; maybe
this can start a thread that will eventually end up in the FAQ :-)


************************Spoilers for Some Ahead**********************


1) Make sure you are getting the help *you* need to deal with the
strain of being an SO, *especially* during the rough period when your
loved one is becoming aware of what has been done to them and by whom.
You can't be any good to somebody else if you're all wrapped up in
your own issues. This doesn't mean you should treat your loved one
like an idiot, and never bring up things that bother you; it means
that you need to remember that your loved one has been grievously
injured in the past, and this injury is scattered through their psyche
like a minefield.  Some of things that you need to sort out with
*somebody* should not be brought up with *them* because the topic, or
the fact that you are angry, or the fact that you are being assertive,
or some other wierd intersection with the circumstances of their
injury is going to hurt them even worse.  So consult a professional;
you'll learn a lot.

2) Your relationship with your loved one is probably going to be a bit
unconventional :-)  If you are the same gender as the perp then some
suppressed anger may pop out and land on you when you did nothing to
deserve it. Or you may come home after a hard day at the whatever,
start unburdening yourself about how miserable your life is, and then
in the middle of this discover that your loved one has been thinking
about suicide all day. So now you feel like a jerk, and your day was
still bad.  Or your loved one will need hugs and holding but will be
in a seriously non-sexual mood.  And in the course of holding and
hugging you will start to feel sexual, and now the two of you are
*seriously* crosswise. Reread Rule 1.

3) Work at encouraging your loved one to get professional help.  You
can't be their therapist: you aren't trained for it, you haven't got
the time, and you're too involved.  I always recommend starting out
with, or having therapy supervised by, a psychiatrist instead of a
psychologist because there are medications that help and things like
depression can influence, and be influenced by, other illnesses in
really wierd ways.

4) Do your best to be there when you're needed. Any survivor has,
especially in the case of incest, been subject to an unimaginable
breach of trust. They need to rebuild the ability to connect with
another human being and rely on them. During the tough times the
relationship may seem awfully one-sided. Try not to blame your loved
one, and work out your annoyance/anger with whoever is helping you
(Aha! Rule 1 again!).

5) Your loved one may have serious flashbacks or psychological
episodes triggered by scenes in movies; they may have what appear to
be extremely irrational fears of crowds, the indoors, the outdoors,
nightfall, other dumb stuff.  They may wake up in the middle of the
night with big-time anxiety attacks. Try to be sensitive to these
concerns and learn what to avoid (and, less paternalistically, discuss
beforehand).  Check on the movie before you go; leave in the middle if
it's getting to be too much for your loved one.  Work out your
feelings about the ruined night out/date/dinner/trip with whoever is
helping you (good old Rule 1 again).  Try not blame yourself when you
screw up; some things you just can't predict.

6) Getting to sleep and staying asleep can be very difficult for
survivors.  This is one of the places where I think an SO needs the
patience of a saint, because there's nothing like being dead tired
yourself, or needing to be well-rested for an important whatever the
next day, and then being wakened a dozen times during the night by a
survivor's difficulties.  Few of us are saints, and we will on
occasion get pretty testy about it.

The important hint is not that you should keep yourself from getting
annoyed or say things while half-asleep that you wouldn't say
otherwise; but rather that you should explain and say you're sorry in
the morning, so that things don't get worse.  Having an alternate
place to sleep (e.g., couch, separate bed) when times are rough can
also help.

The getting to sleep part can be tough.  On really bad nights I have
sat up and read in the same room until sleep came to the survivor.  I
surmise that a lot of childhood abuse occurred around bedtime, and
that this is therefore a time of particular stress and terror when
things are going badly.  I haven't gone so far as reading "Goodnight,
Moon" aloud, but I would if I thought it would help :-) Anyhow, being
there as a reassuring presence until sleep comes is another way an SO
can help.

7) (This is tough, but could be important.) Think hard in advance
about how you would handle an emergency.  Under what circumstances
would you call 911?  Do you know the therapist's name?  Do you have
the phone number handy?  What medications is your loved one taking?
If you're not a legal spouse, who's going to vouch for your status in
your loved one's life?  Is there somebody else (parent, ex-SO, the
perp) who is liable to wade in and make things worse?  If so, what
might you be able to do about it? Think about all this ugly stuff, get
mad about it, and talk about it with whoever is helping you (Surprise!
Rule 1!).  Then file it away in the back of your mind and get on with
your lives together.

And finally, a rough rule taught me by a wise old shrink: you can
gauge how depressed somebody else is by how depressed *you* feel when
you're around them. 

JASO (Just Another SO)



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