HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: fskmt@thelastone.acf-lab.alaska.edu (Kathryn M. Turner)
Subject: Hello, out there!
Organization: University of Alaska Computer Network
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 02:41:16 GMT

Hi, I go by Rowan and I'm a survivor....gee, I don't know what to say....I  
really like the looks of this newsgroup; I've been eyeing y'all for a  
month or so.  Anyway, I've been having a pretty rough time of it lately  
(flashbacks, body memories, wanting to self-mutilate, etc.) and I haven't  
hooked up with a group or anything yet.  (Well, I'm seeing a counselor,  
but I think I need more--a community of some kind--even if I can't see  
your faces:)  Fairbanks doesn't seem to have much.  I think this group  
might help.  Has anyone else out there been abused only once when they  
were very small (threeish)?  I'd like to talk....
                               Please let me know you're out there,
                                              Rowan
From: hartfiel@walnut.cis.ohio-state.edu (mathew alan hartfield)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: sigh...
Date: 16 Oct 92 21:32:56 GMT
Organization: The Ohio State University Dept. of Computer and Info. Science

In article <Bw2x88.AHr.2@cs.cmu.edu> anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel) writes:
>I am trying to tell my father that I never want to speak to him again.
>No, he wasn't one of the perps but he might as well have been for all I care.

Congrats on making the decision to make things safe for you.  I know how
hard it is to do that from my own dealings with my parents.

> [stuff deleted] I like I'm whining.

I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but I don't think you're whining.  
I think that you're dealing well with a painful issue, and it's not surprising
that it hurts.

> [stuff deleted] he doesn't seem to understand that I'm not six anymore. 
>Suddenly, now that I'm on my way out of the house, (after ignoring me for the
>past all my life!) he wants a family: in other
>words he spent so long behaving like an ass, no one wants to be bothered with
>him anymore.

This sounds like my Mother.  It took her so long to realize that she wanted to
be a part of my life that I'd already decided that I didn't want to be a part
of hers.  We have minimal contact, but neither one of us is comfortable
with it.  I support you in doing what you need to do for you, regardless of
what your father needs.

[stuff deleted]
>The crowning insult was that when I finally told him what happened to me...
>he asked me how I could've let something like that happen.  How I could have
>let it go on for so long.
>And (this is the really good part..) that I should have come to him, he was
>always there.
>When he KNOWS he would've just ignored me...told me I was making the whole
>thing up..or that my mother told me to say that to him.

I think that maybe our parents went to the same finishing school, or something.
My Mother and Father, when i told them about my brother sexually abusing me,
asked me why I didn't tell them about it as a child.  They were really upset 
that I didn't trust them, and told me that they would have helped.  Right! 
These are the same people who didn't try to stop my brother from physically 
abusing me until they thought that he had broken a bone in my face.

>
>I will not give my children (if I ever have any) that for a grandfather.
>
>I will not have any more people paying for my mistakes...or his....or HIS. Not
>any of them.  But especially not mine.
>
>
>darkangel
>
>..and please know that I don't truly blame anyone for what happened...there is
>really no one to blame..

Bravo, darkangel.  I'm glad that you are taking back your power from your
father.  I hope that it goes well.  take care.

E-hugs if you want them.


--
Matt Hartfield
hartfiel@cis.ohio-state.edu
llug_mg@max.cc.denison.edu

Character Density, n.:
                   The number of very weird people in the office.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: hmm..
From: anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel)
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 17:35:16 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

this is for Jen..

i guess you didn't get to read my first post, or else you were just
confused...the perp was not my brother, but a friend of the family.

(but thanks for caring...this is still equally confusing because he was so
close to the family...and always behaved as if nothing happened, and was nice
to me.)
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From: weaverli0469@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: LOVE !!!
Date: 15 Oct 92 17:59:54 -0500
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

Hi all!!!
        I haven't posted for a long time. I have been reading the posts though.  
I did something last night that I'm sure is going to seem like a small deal to
you guys... but it was a giant step for me. I was on the phone w/my SO. we were
talking of him coming out next weekend and how anxious I am to finally meet
this man that I've been talking to and getting to know for the past year. (We
met on the net...Computer romance :)  )  Anyway, we've talked about
EVERYTHING!!! I've gotten to know him on the inside, and that is what really
counts; having all of that caring and love inside of the person that you're
with. It makes me feel a lot better about meeting him because I KNOW the real
him. Anyway, we were talking about how we saw our "friendship/relationship'. I
told myself that I have to tell him how I really feel before he hangs up. We
went on talking and changed the subject at least 5 different times. I was
getting frustrated with myself because I wasn't telling him. Well I finally
came out and said "(his name) we've been talking for quite some time now and
really gotten to know eachother. I love you as a friend and I see myself
falling in love as more than friends."  It had to be said, I couldn't hold it
in any longer. I was trembling inside (like I am right now) because I'm not use
to these intense feelings towards another person. I'm not the type of person
that will say "I love you" willy nilly. I have to feel it to say it... and that
is what I was feeling. THe last person that I said that to was my ex fiance who
burned me really bad. I felt really great when I finally said it... I was
crying happy tears. I'm finally able to love again...It's a great feeling. This
is what I've been waiting for. I FEEL GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for
listening... sorry if I bored you, but I just had to share... E-hugs to all who
need them...

        Shawn
From: anon-1012@twwells.com (All Me of Us)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: to anon-1272, mail turned off
Date: 9 Oct 92 22:04:56 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi--

You sent me mail asking for suggestions/experience about MPD.
I tried to reply to you but your anonymous ID does not have
mail turned on.  

As soon as you let me know that mail forwarding has been
enabled for your account, I'll send you the message that
bounced back.


All Me of Us



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: tarjan@iastate.edu (Spurticles)
Subject: Re: sigh...
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, IA
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 04:46:30 GMT


Belive me.. You aren't the only one who has fathers like that... 

Mine went from the moment that my parents started getting divorced,, My father
purchased (with a friend) a beach house, Pulled a 25000 dollar mortgage and 
some other bullshit.. When it came to that in the court he somehoe got the 
25000 dollars blamed on my mother and we were forced to move from a house to a 
townhouse, He would ALLWAYS be late for making payments, We (my brother and I) 
Saw him Every wed and every other Sunday, That was it.. Never any other time,

He wanted to do as little as he could with us.. Now I cant say he was a drunk.
I dont remember ANYTHING about my childhood. But I am VERY sure I was not 
abused.. Although I didnt have many friends at the time.. (stunted growth and a few other problems didnt help... but thats another story..)

Now it seems he is willing to do almost anything.. (couldnt get him to pay for the college I REALLY wanted to go to.. but he still pays for ISU's tuition and thats not bad..)
This past summer I asked him about the beach house. and he looked stunned.. 
Then he started raving about he didnt do it.. (bullshit) 

Now I cant say my mother isnt blameless in all of this either.. 
But dont try to dig the whole to deep.. You are uncovering some stuff about
one "Real Great (not) Guy.." :> and now your father.. He has probably finally
realized how much he has fucked up.. Tell him, If he threatens you BELIVE me
He will feel so fricking guilty withen about 2 days he will be on hands and
knees to kiss your feet to help you.. (I tried.. it works.. I told him exactly 
what was wrong and our relationship is greatly improved.. but I dont think
I will ever trust him again.. since he still denies the thing about the beach house..)

Cya later..
Wanna hug DA?
(why is it your name sounds familiar :>)
From: mo@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Important ACS update (godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu)
Date: 8 Oct 92 18:17:25 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon Computer Club

In article <Bvot1y.Hnu@twwells.com>, anon-admin@twwells.com writes:
> Before I make some comments, I want to say that Karl is one of the
> good guys on the net -- I have no reservations about recommending
> using his service. But we have a different attitude towards one
> thing....
> 
> In article <Bvo5rB.69H.2@cs.cmu.edu> Karl_Kleinpaste@cs.cmu.edu writes:
> : My ACS software has just gained the concept of a fire extinguisher.
> : Users who post tests or large binary (e.g., GIF/JPEG) files via
> : anonymus+*.*@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu will be subject to
> : extinguishment, also known as *plonk*ing.  From the latest editing of
> : the intro blurb for this service:
> 
> On the other hand, I *encourage* anyone who feels the need, or
> even a slight urge, to post test messages through twwells.com to
> do so. I know that many of you on this newsgroup are sensitive to
> the possibility of your anonymity being compromised and I hope
> that you will test things as much as you feel the need to.

Just as a sort of for-your-information thing, further discussion about
the "fire extinguisher" has gone on in another group, and Karl has stated
that currently it is unarmed and will be reserved for extreme cases of
abuse of his service.  He has explicitly stated that he gives a.s.a.r.
people extra slack, because this group is not for recreation but for survival.

E-hugs (and warm fuzzies) to all who will accept them...

-mona
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Silence
Date: 8 Oct 92 21:29:33 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Everyone,

Please forgive me fo being so silent these last few days...  I've been
following everyone's posts here, and my feelings have gone out to many people
here, but I can't seem to find the right words to say...

But congrats to EVERYONE for speaking out so much.  It makes me feel that I
haven't stopped anyone from posting.  I'm suprised, ang glad.  Somehow we all
draw strength from each other, and I feel so good about it.  Thank you.  I wish
I knew what words to say to the specific cases.  Just know I'm with you all!

+--------------------+------------------------------+------------------------+
|Krikket             |  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us  | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E.!
|a.k.a Doug Krick    | NOTICE: Your milage may vary |  Suite 246             !
|Data # 708/665-9732 | E-Hugs to those who want 'em |  Wheaton, Il 60187     !
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: will it be a chanb. or combo
Date: 12 Oct 92 17:38:26 GMT
Organization: Reed College, Portland, Oregon


     Good question!  And what will be the focus?  Often times the blues appeals
to me.  Wonder if there's any coincidence there? :-)

     Robert

-- 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Ankeney                 | "Yield and overcome.                |
...!tektronix!reed!bob         |  Bend and be straight.              |
...!tektronix!bob@reed.EDU     |  Empty and be full."    - Lao Tzu   |
From: anon-1296@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: will it be a chanb. or combo
Date: 12 Oct 92 06:25:34 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

i play the double bass...
*acoustic*
could i join ?
*smile*

JASMYNE



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From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Memories invalidated
Date: 14 Oct 92 01:42:48 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes



Ode wrote  very movingly and I am sure glad that others were able
to respond right away on a positive note, because this really hit
one of my buttons ...   and it's marked DOUBT and PANIC and FEAR.
Thanks particularly to Enigma (Holly) Soprano  (Lydia)  and Peter
(with  an  800-year-old  dropped  H) for helping  out  with  some
perspective on that.

I've parcelled up what memories I have so  far  into 3 piles:  1)
the undeniable 2) the possible but vague and 3)  the fantastical.
Sometimes  it's been like a shell game finding out where  one  is
going to end up, but usually they have moved to the  left (1) :-<
Once in awhile, however, I find myself wondering if *anything* is
true and  that  is scary ...  but usually I am able to check into
my #1 list  and at least convince myself there is some foundation
to my wanting to  reclaim  myself.    Oddly enough -- and I think
this was reflected in a  later  posting  or  Ode's follow-up -- I
have  found  several  "fantastical"  (read,  what    I  think  is
fabricated,  made  up or otherwise overdramatised) memories  that
when "interpreted" have a theme or set of dynamics which fit very
nicely with those I cannot deny.  I guess  imagination  can  be a
lot more trustworthy than we sometimes give credit for.

Kristian



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: 6845400@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM
Subject: RE: Please help
Organization: Lockheed Missiles & Space Company, Inc.
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 92 19:32:09 GMT

1.  Yes
2.  Yes
3.  Yes
4.  Yes
5.  Female
6.  45
7.  Protestant
8.  Republican
9.  College




------------------------- Original Article -------------------------
From: kingsley@hpwrce.mayfield.hp.com (Kingsley Morse)
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 23:49:14 GMT
Subject: Please Help
Organization: HP Western Response Center
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery

              Please answer these 9 questions and return.

1.) Do you think equal rights for men and women is generally a good idea?
Yes                  [ ]
Sometimes            [ ]
No                   [ ]
Haven't heard enough [ ]

2.) Are you pro choice?
Yes                  [ ]
Sometimes            [ ]
No                   [ ]
Haven't heard enough [ ]
Other                [ ]

3.) Are you in favor of adoption?
Yes                  [ ]
Sometimes            [ ]
No                   [ ]
Haven't heard enough [ ]
Other                [ ]

4.) Do you think men should be allowed to legally terminate their parental
rights and responsibilities before fetal viability?
Yes                  [ ]
Sometimes            [ ]
No                   [ ]
Haven't heard enough [ ]
Other                [ ]

5.) What sex are you?
Male               [ ]
Female             [ ]

6.) How old are you?
Under 18           [ ]
19 to 65           [ ]
Over 65            [ ]

7.) What religion are you?
Protestant         [ ]
Catholic           [ ]
Jewish             [ ]
Other              [ ]

8.) What political party are you affiliated with?
Democratic         [ ]
Republican         [ ]
Other              [ ]

9.) How many years of education have you completed?
Grade School       [ ]
High School        [ ]
College            [ ]
More               [ ]

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel)
Subject: and...
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1992 15:25:26 GMT

ignore the post duplicate (if it is actually there ) with the beginning
missing....I screwed up..  :)
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From: doug@cdc.hp.com (Doug Sojourner)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Body memories ...
Date: 7 Oct 92 17:42:30 GMT
Reply-To: dsojourner@cdc.hp.com
Organization: HP California Design Center, Santa Clara, CA
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1.4 PL6]

**** Warning ****
Includes description of (partial) memory of abuse.






































I feel like I need to share a bit of what's going on inside me w/
everyone here.  It's rather scary (I'm getting a bit fuzzed out), but
there's more to me, & I want to be all of me...


So...

The other night I woke in the middle of the night remembering
(vividly) severe pain in my butt.  It seemed to me that there were
waves, or cycles, or something.  I haven't figured out if I was
remembering something repetitious about the pain of the abuse, or
multiple occurances all collapsed into one.  At first I had thought
the latter, but the former seems reasonable as I think about it.

It helped some to have my SO there: she asked if I wanted to be held,
but I felt better just having her hold my hand.  After a long while it
went away, and a good while after that I fell back asleep.

I've been wanting to have more memories, so I can know better what
happened.  It seems that this gives me some confirmation, but not a
lot of information on what happened.  Oh well,...

E-hugs welcome,


Doug Sojourner
dsojourner@cdc.hp.com  
From: kingsley@hpwrce.mayfield.hp.com (Kingsley Morse)
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1992 15:44:21 GMT
Subject: Re: Please Help
Organization: HP Western Response Center
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery

Oops! My apologies for posting my previous "Please Help" survey to this
group. It was an honest mistake and won't happen again.

Kingsley
From: tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: holidays...
Date: 6 Oct 92 02:47:57 GMT

(for those who do NOT 'believe' in MPD/rit abuse please skip this)
^l
(I think that is the right command)

does anyone have problems with this time of the year?
especially the end of the month...
yuck, I realize to others it seems silly, but I always get the 'dreads'
this time of year....(also made worse is my birthday is this month).
and this year that day (not my bday) falls on a Saturday....I think we/I
will stay home that night and stay safe....(that celebration seems milder
when it is NOT on a friday or saturday...)

anyone else? my doc says that this is a bad time of year for most rit
survivors....any tips? hints? (the alphabet game? :-)
thanks.Ted and friends
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: stote@tomcat.den.mmc.com (M. Stote)
Subject: Help! need new net access !
Organization: Martin Marietta Astronautics Group
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 21:52:45 GMT

I am looking for info on commercial companies that provide access to
the net and email via a modem connection.  I remember some posts from
early in the summer that discussed this.  Enigma was it you who 
posted some info on this?  

Any help is greatly appreciated :)


--
fare well 

Mike Stoughton
stote@den.mmc.com
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: RELEASE!!!!!
Date: 13 Oct 92 21:04:17 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

> 
> 
> 
> I did it I DID it I DID IT!!!!
> I have been stuck trying to feel. Thinking I should feel. But not feeling. I
> decided a week ago I wanted to write to my mother and tell her what I was
> remembering. (I had realized my stepfather wasn't alone in his abuse and my
>

Congratulations. I wish you strength and courage to deal with your 
mother's response.

Erin Sue
From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Child  *****  !!! SPOILER !!!  *****
Date: 9 Oct 92 17:14:25 GMT
Organization: Claremont Shelter for Maladjusted Singers

Ode writes:
> I *must* face it, I must face it and I have to write it down here and now.
> 
> I *LIKED* the sexy things he did to me. Though I didn't know anything
> about sex, and had no idea what the word sexy meant, he made me feel
> so good in ways that no one else did. Some of the things he did to me
> then are among the things that I love having done to me now. This guy
> knew how to push the right buttons. If he had been a normal guy who 
> liked women, he'd have been the most popular guy in town. Instead, he
> used all his talents on me. And I loved it. I think sexuality is
> instinctual, and I was responding to that instinct, even though I was
> a tiny little girl. 

Oh god, the chord this struck in me!  I too could have written this -- and
I still can't forgive myself for having enjoyed it and gone along with it
for six or seven years.  And I can't forgive myself for sometimes
remembering some of what was done to me and *still* getting aroused at the
memory!  What my father did to me was wrong and sick, and I enjoyed it -- so
what does that make me??

Oh hell, I thought I was past this....

					Lydia
					anon-1024@twwells.com

"You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
 You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			"From Me to You", Janis Ian
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Soprano (Lydia M. Uribe)                      uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu |
| Claremont, CA                                  uribe@hmcvax.claremont.edu |
|           Cats, quilts and diving -- what more could anyone ask?          |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+