From: jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu (Mike Jittlov)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,sci.skeptic
Subject: Re: The Thing In The Tube
Date: 16 Dec 1992 15:55:01 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
NNTP-Posting-Host: gumby.cs.caltech.edu
Keywords: greeeen. bright greeeeen. big eye, room spinninggggg

(Regarding the Thing that Hitchhiked aboard Potter's Pipe, with the
Kelly Freas Poster from "The Wizard of Speed and Time" feature film)


Okay, we're back!  Just stay calm!!

|>Paula Ford writes:
|>You threw the tube away??  I'd have called the Smithsonian.
|>Mine arrived back safely ---- I did notice that the clerks at the
|>PO were all smiling on Tuesday.

Yes - THIS is the NORMAL effect!

|David Potter continues:
|Well, I carried The Tube, which, by the weight, definitely contained
|The Thing In The Tube, out to the curb and tossed it onto the garbage
|truck yesterday morning.   Something was making snarling noises as the
|truck drove away, but I was too busy watching an entire white garbage
|truck becoming a weird fluorescent green color to pay much attention.

The Green Glow - this is also NORMAL!  Green is GOOD!  So don't
panic!  It's not radioactive, this is NOT Disney's "Our Friend
the Atom" genie throwing atomic dust everywhere, it's JUST a SPECIAL
EFFECT!  It's OKAY!  REALLY!!

|Then.... there was a knock on the door this morning.

NOW, you can worry.

|a city trash collector. ---- There was a strange green flaring in his
|eyes, and I experienced the same momentary paralysis I'd felt the day
|before, looking into the end of the Outer Tube.

I mean, REALLY worry!

|I know it will be a LONG time before I chance offending a Wizard again,

I'm NOT offended!  I AM ALARMED!!  

|So now I've got The Thing In The Tube, right in my living room.  I'm
|positive it was making anticipatory slurping noises, and I can only
|pray that I can reach a comfortable modus vivendi with The Thing In
|The Tube *before* I inadvertantly become Purina Thing Chow.

Will you STOP taking this so calmly and humorously!??!  This is deadly
SERIOUS!!  Now LISTEN UP!!

What you have there, is NO ORDINARY blood-thirsty, slimey,
palp-tentacled, nerve-numbing, room-reeling, reeking and
seeking Thing-That-Won't-Leave!

What you have

              is...

                    a...

                         (forgive me)

                                       ...a HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER!

But there's no reason to panic.  Not yet.  As long as the Tube is
glowing green, the Producer is feeding and will usually ignore you.

If there's anything that attracts Producers, it's the Lime Light
(the most visible aura emitted by the Creative Spirit).  There's no
telling what kind of Producer you have - Movie Producer, Television,
Music Video, Recording, Computer Game - it doesn't matter, they're
all equally deadly.  And they do that, by not dying.

That's true - Producers are virtually immortal.  They're archetypes,
in the same evolutionary class as leeches and roaches.  You may
THINK you've destroyed this one, but he'll just appear somewhere
else - somewhere that YOU don't know about.  Right now, you at
least have him "tubular".

And you have my most fervent apologies.  Gads, I just can't believe
it - I took such pains to wrap that tube, just to prevent such a
catastrophe!  Since the wrapping took most of the day, I barely made
it to the Hollywood Post Office before twilight.  The Dark was already
sweeping over Wilcox & Hollywood, as I pedalled the WIZ-bike to the
ancient edifice (well over 30 years old!), and only my furious door-
pounding gained me entry.  White-handed things began palp-slapping
against the glass doors, but their scum soon thankfully obscured
further nightmares beyond.  I waited in line, a little nervous, but
at least your poster and tube were safe.  Or so I THOUGHT.

I remember vividly, as the clerk weighed the tube, how she smiled
when the Lime Light swept warmly through the building, and the stamps
stop-motion-danced on the counter, etc, etc.  She pressed the Express
Mail buzzer, and I heard a mail-truck back up to the side entrance -
its airlock hissing and engaging.  The clerk hefted your poster tube,
and dutifully obeyed my notice ("FRAGILE! - UNDERHAND THROW ONLY!"),
achieving a reasonable trajectory when you consider the distance and
late hour.  I thought it was only my imagination, that the airlock seal
was hit, ever so lightly.  Only my imagination, that I heard muffled
screams, as the mail-truck drove haltingly away...

But enough.  You can guess the rest.  

|As I type this, The Tube is standing, dead-center, in my living room,
|spinning slowly and occasionally taking a leap a few inches in the air

Right.  First of all, since you've removed the poster, the residual
creative energies will eventually be consumed.  And you'll soon hear
a hissing sound, adjusting to a near-human voice, then attuning to
your actual brain waves, and to your every desire.  Words, like:

"I've been hearing great things about your work.  Let's do lunch."
"We all need friends in this business.  I'm here for you."
"All I want is a free option on all rights."
"You'll have creative control, and I'll just handle the business end."
"Trust me.  I wouldn't BE what I am today, if people didn't trust me."
"Don't worry about it, you can always buy out my interest."
"It's just a standard insurance form, I'm due a little protection."
"Please, just sign it!  We can work out the details later!"
"I really cannot do my job, in an atmosphere of distrust."
"I can bring you love and power.  Power and love."

Soon, the aura will change to a color that if you saw it on the
sidewalk you would step widely around it.  And you will hear:

"There's no nudity, but let's just see what you've got."
"Get real, everybody's doing it now, you're nothing special."
"I really hated having to lie to you, believe me!"
"Look - be reasonable!  Everything's negotiable."
"Hey, it's a compromise business."
"Well, that's your opinion, isn't it?"
"You've got YOUR definition of ethics, and I've got mine."
"This has nothing to do with morality!  It's business!"

About that time, it will blacken, reek, and speak:

"Why should I do the work, when I can just take the credit?"
"I'll never lie or steal again!  I swear to God!"
"Nobody saw anything!  You can't prove it!"
"So what!  I needed the money!"
"I'm telling you, don't talk about it, nobody cares about a victim."
"I've got connections, you don't wanna get me upset, or ELSE."
"You'll never work in this town again!"

(Deleted from the above are the usual plethorae of sexual and
religious epithets commonly used for punctuation and emphasis.)

You can call the Police, the Sheriff, the FBI, the State Attorney
General, the IR$ - but no law enforcement body or governmental
organization will do anything to actually help you - even though
you're supporting and paying for their services, with your taxes
and votes.

And honestly, why should they?  It's not like they could lose their
jobs, and they already have your money.  They are being paid to say
"no" in as many ways as diplomatically possible, so that you'll
eventually calm down and just go away.

The squeakiest wheels get the grease - but the grease usually drips
from the executive level, and you won't be allowed to reach it.

If you even succeed in getting a live voice on the phone, and getting
someone so naive as to be the end-point in the bureaucratic merry-go-
round, you will finally hear:  "We have more important concerns, it's
really your problem."

So...you have to make it THEIRS.

First, you have to lure into the Tube, the Producer's natural enemy:
the Litigation Attorney.

Unfortunately, even an Attorney wouldn't normally touch a Producer.
Even at that base level, there's an element of professional courtesy.
You'll have to bait the Attorney with something.  And this is easy.

Take an ordinary sheet of paper, and type the words "Promissory Note",
and "First Trust Deed", plus several paragraphs from the back of any
auto insurance form.  You'll also need a virgin sacrifice - one of
outstanding promise.  No problem, just staple on an unscratched LOTTO
ticket (your chances of winning are almost nonexistant - the Thing in
the Tube is a certainty).  Put these on the end of a ten-foot stick,
and slide them into the tube.  The Thing will grab the ticket, keeping
the legalese.  Let the Thing have the stick.  (And you may twist it.)

Now, make a sound like an ambulance.  And stand back.

When the last Attorney has completely entered the Tube, you will hear:

"Relax, it's a matter of law, not a matter of justice."
"It's not illegal if no one finds out."
"Attorneys help those who help themselves."
"You get a reasonable doubt, for a reasonable price."
"Possession's 9 points of the law.  The other 91% are my fees."
"I don't need to know the Law.  I know the judge."
"Look, if it weren't for lawyers, you wouldn't need one."

All surrounding colors will dim and darken, as the Tube becomes a
negotiation black hole.  Quickly put the Tube cap on.  The Gaffer's
Tape should still be active, and it will help you.  Eventually the
voices will be muffled, as they enter their "Mediation Stage".  It
is a critical moment - your one chance to get rid of the lot, before
things get infinitely worse.

Problem:  no toxic waste dump will accept the Tube.  You have to send
it to a special end-point - to something with a much wider feeding
range, that not only devours the Creative Spirit, but attacks and
drains the entire spectrum of the Human Spirit, and seems to hold both
Producers and Attorneys in a kind of awed stasis.

Remarkably, this transporting is still easily accomplished.  All it
takes is a $2.90 stamp, and an address label with the words "UNPAID
GIFT TAXES, The Internal Revenue Service, Washington D.C.".  Affix
these to the Tube, and drop it off at the nearest Post Office.

That's all there is to it.  Make your government work for you.

And enjoy that poster.  You've earned it!

________________________________________ ___._`.*.'_._ ________
 Mike Jittlov - Wizard, etc       .   . +  * .o   o.* `.`. +.  
  Hollywood, CA 90026-2714       '   *  . ' ' |\^/|  `. * .  *
jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu  (: May All Your  \V/  Good Dreams
  <& alt.fan.mike-jittlov>    and Fine Wishes  /_\  Come True:)
============================================= _/ \_ ===========

Bunch o' NetQuotes:

"All that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do
 nothing"                                     -- Edmund Burke

"A hero is no braver than anyone else.  He is only brave five
 minutes longer."                      -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power."
                                          -- Ashley Brilliant

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