From: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com (Walter Moore)
Subject: Re: confusion... what is fair?
Reply-To: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com
Organization: Amoco
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 19:05:02 GMT

Let's try this again. Sorry for the previous mistake in posting.

In article Mxv@mentor.cc.purdue.edu, mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine) writes:
>well. wow. I am so confused that I can barely think straight...
>I talked to my xSO, who I posted about saying those things to me...
>actually, we talked via computer because I am afraid to see him.  I
>have a tendancy to react violently when angry... but I talked to him
>because the violence was comsuming me and  I *HAD* to know what he
>really meant.
I think it's good you discussed this. 

>he said he didn't mean it the way it sounded and that he doesn't know
>why he said it. until he does, I don't want to see him at all. 
Smart. 

> we were
>both angry and he had been drinking. I don't know what to think or
>what to do. he doesn't want me back, but I feel I have to get this
>resolved because I don't want to be in this situation again.
Probably the only thing you *can* do is to determine what makes you
fell good and what doesn't and then do your best to *only* do what you
are comfortable with. This means you'd have to find a *partner who would
respect your feelings. Since you did something which he *knew* you hated,
I don't think he had that much respect for your feelings.
 
>
>Was I remaking him to fit what I expected? Abuse and coldness? or was
>he fitting my expectation because it is hard to do anything else.
Maybe a little of both, maybe neither. 
It's hard to be supportive all the time, believe me, *I* know. Both
my SO and I are survivors.
In my case, because I'm a survivor as well, it's also easy to fall into 
a mode of trying to alienate my SO - even while she is trying to make me
feel better. I have changed significantly in the years since I met my SO, 
partly because she needed it, partly because I needed it, and partly 
because I've become a "softy" as opposed to a "macho" man. I cry now.
Better than that, I can even laugh now. My SO has let me learn that it's ok
to share these feelings. Sometimes my humor is too biting, and she reprimands
me for it, especially if I hurt her (which I *never* *want* to do).

> I
>know I have a strong, overpowering at times, personality. And yet, a
>low self-esteem.
So do I, but my SO has a stubborn streak and knows that I expect her to
stand up to me. Sometimes that's very hard for her, but she's gotten *MUCH*
better at it. She's also gotten better at rebuilding my self-esteem when it
gets too low (my self-esteem bounces, sometimes dramatically)

>
>I love him, but that isn't enough.
Ya need friendship from those you love as well.

> And, he has his own issues to deal
>with. I think I portrayed him in a horrible light, when he is human
>and even tho he didn't suffer sexual abuse, his family tended to have
>very little communication.
I suffered abuse, and my family did NOT communicate, they fought (often
physically), but I *KNEW* I didn't want that. My SO's family never talked
either, and she knew she didn't want that. Together we have learned we *NEED*
to talk and have taught each other how (actually, we are still learning this,
and it's been eight years).

>he did try... and he lasted longer than any of my previous lovers...
Now you know that you *can* have a pretty good relationship (I'm assuming it
was pretty good while it lasted - maybe not), you can use what you've liked
from this relationship and use that as a key to look for (or avoid for the
bad stuff) in future relationships.

>
>I don't know. I am confused about what I can do. THe violence is gone
>for now, but I am still angry. I keep trying to think if there is
>anything he could do... and I can't find it...
He hurt you pretty bad, it's hard to forgive that sometimes. When I'm 
confused, I will think about it for a while. If it doesn't clear up, then 
I wil let the confusion stir for a while. Often something occurs to let me
clear up the confusion.


>
>he says it is so hard to watch me suffering and hurting that even tho
>he cares, he can only sit idly by... I can understand that.
It is, it is. BUT he could have tried to cheer you when you didn't want to 
remember and support you when you did.

> to enter
>the nightmares is hard for my therapist... I don't think I could watch
>him go thru it... and yet, it is harder for me...
They are your nightmare, YOU have to relive them, that's a tough and
very brave thing to do.

>
>he doesn't want to get back together. and I don't either. but I am
>also angry because I keep thinking, I might be a normal person who
>could love without all this bullshit if my abusers hadn't abused me.
Try to determine who you are angry at, him, them, the world, who? 
I find that, for me, if I can determine WHO I'm angry at then sometimes it
helps to remeber that I'm not angry at *this person* or *that person* and
sometimes I can let go of the anger while with that person - it helps.

>
>I go to counseling more to prevent me from ever doing this to someone
>else than to save myself. we hear a lot, or at least I do, about how
>a sexual abuse victim will never be totally healed.  that depresses
>me.
You may or may not ever be totally healed; but you *can* lead a HAPPY
life. You *can* get your self-esteem back.

>
>how do you get past the games and trials that you were taught as a
>child...
I do it by asking my SO, and friends, to tell me if I start doing *this* or 
*that* (which ever game I tend to pull). so I can recognise I when I am 
doing it. Then I ask that person what *he/she* thinks would be more 
appropriate behavior. If I agree, then I'll try to do that in the future,
If I disagree, then I'll try to find a behavior *I* find more acceptable.

> (I am working on
>controlling the violence and finding positive outlets for my anger.)
This is good too, makes a person easier to like. I"ve had to learn not
to hit things (like trees), while at the same time finding ways to get rid
of my frustrations and anger. I do martial arts. It's physically tiring,
I learn self-defense, and I meet interesting people.

>
>when I get angry and violent, I call a friend. for a long time, I
Good! everyone should be able to do this.

>directed the punishments at myself. I would eat to get fat... I would
>claw at my legs... now, I scream and talk to someone who will listen.
>it tends to calm me down away from the violent side.
>
>I seem to be posting a lot lately, and i hope these aren't hurting
>anyone... I don't know what to do about my xSO, about my life, about
>my anger....
Please keep posting! I enjoy reading your notes. I can relate to many of them,
either from the survivor's side or from the supporter's side. 

>
>but, ithink I will go work out at the corec on campus. physical
>exhersion tends to get some of the anger out....
Yeah, for me too.
>
>thanks to all of you for listening....
Thanks for posting.
>-brandywine
>
>





---
TTYL & TANSTAAFL ---------------- Walter Moore 
      Internet: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery