From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: Meeting women in clubs
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 93 00:08:11 GMT

In article <KYTAN.93Jan7134433@mantra.fia.dmg.ml.com> kytan@mantra.fia.dmg.ml.com (Kok-Yong Tan) writes:
>
>Sometimes I wonder about that.  I know of one woman who dated her present
>husband when he was still engaged to be married to another woman, watched him
>marry that woman and get divorced in less a year, dating him all throughout the
>four years or so.
>
>And another one whose current boyfriend secretly dated her without his
>then-longtime-girlfriend knowing and who ditched that girlfriend (Maybe. That
>is, he could be doing the same thing to her right now).  She's still with him
>and has been for the last three years or so.
>
>I wonder what makes these people tick?  It's obvious the abovementioned men are
>jerks but what the heck causes the women to stay with them?  Masochism?
>It-wouldn't-happen-to-me-syndrome?  Sigh.  Us nice guys do finish last, it
>seems.

Lotsa reasons--1) if someone else wants him/her, then obviously he/she must
be worth having; 2) if he/she is involved with someone else, then the
challenge is greater and many people want things in proportion to how
difficult they are to get (c.f. Stef's occasional .sig about the rose);
3) having "won" someone away from someone else is often a very strong 
attraction; 4) someone already involved feels "safer" and is therefore
easier for many people to get close to and fall in love with; 5) you
have a chance to prove you're better than someone else by winning your
interest away; 6) someone already involved is likely to be less self-
conscious and nervous when dealing with available MOTAS and will often
appear more confident and self-assured in such situations, characteristics
that many people find attractive; 7) some people are simply more 
comfortable dating people who are already involved in "committed" 
relationships; 8) some people set themselves up repeatedly to play out
emotional games, some of which involve becoming attached to an already
involved person and dealing with the pain associated with that and,
optionally, with the pain when he/she then goes on to someone else, 
thus eliminating the risk of having to face the scary possibility of
a long-term, stable relationship; 9) unreliable and uncommittable (I
think I can safely create that word) people often seem the most
exciting and when you add the excitement of doing something society
tells you you shouldn't (being involved with someone already in a
serious relationship), the excitement level can be very appealing and
even addictive for many people.

This sort of thing happens with both men and women, but not all (or even
most) of either sex.  So, nice guys/gals might finish last with them, 
which is probably for the best anyway, at least if the nice guy/gal is
seeking a stable, long-term relationship.

Trygve   (Wow--deja vu!  Do you think I should add this to the FAQ?)
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