From: julie@cucbs.chem.columbia.edu (Julie Wright)
Subject: Re: Well, what should I do?
Organization: Center for Biomolecular Simulation, Department of Chemistry,
	Columbia University
	<1992Sep2.013521.24908@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu>
Distribution: world, na, usa
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 06:43:58 GMT

In article <1992Sep2.013521.24908@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu> tip@lead.aichem.arizona.edu (Tom Perigrin) writes:

[...]
>   How about a little positive talk?  I am a male.  I tend to think
>   of myself as a feminist.  I know I have eliminated a lot of sexism, but
>   of course I haven't rooted it all out.   As a male, let me ask;
>   instead of calling me an appressor, etc...  help me improve instead.
>   What 10 things should concerned males try to improve in themselves?

>   Call me a pig, and I'll probably grunt at you.  Give me a check list 
>   for improvement, and I'll try to improve.

>   Tom


	Well, who can resist a chance to tell someone else how to improve?
Since I don't know you, obviously these will be general guidelines, and 
you are probably already following many or all of them, so don't think
I'm accusing you of anything personally (am I getting defensive about 
other people's defensiveness? :) ).  

1) Listen to women's descriptions of their experiences in life.  In fact,
ask questions (which you're obviously doing now).  What seems obvious to
us -- like how frequently men harass women on the street -- is sometimes
something you have no way of knowing from your own experience, just as
I have not seen in my *personal* experience that police often harass black
people more than white people.  I've spent a lot of time trying to see
how the world looks to men -- men I know, men in books, men in the news,
etc. -- and it's often quite fascinating.  How many of you guys out there
have read Little Women, compared to the number of women who've read Treasure
Island?  How many guys steer clear of Pride and Prejudice because it's
written from a female point of view?  C'mon, show some curiosity, it's 
fun.

2) In *any* situation where you have *any* power, including voting, be 
aware that active malice is not necessary to support sexism.  Suppose
one professor at a university does something blatantly sexist.  If none
of that professor's superiors or colleagues speak out against that 
action, they are condoning it -- or at least, that's certainly how it
will look to all the people under their authority.  In private male groups,
try not to take advantage of the fact that no women are watching to avoid
confronting sexist behavior.  Remember that sexist men take you guys more
seriously than they take us!  You might make them think twice!

3) Give credit where credit is due.  You know what it's like when people
imply that you're an "oppressor" just because you're male.  Usually it's
just careless generalizing, but it still makes you feel bad.  When women
in traditionally male dominated fields (like mine!) are told they have it
easy because they're female, it's pretty damn hard to take.  Do we go
around saying *all* the older men in our field are unqualified because
the competition was restricted then?  I'm not saying that one should 
never make statements about differences in opportunity for men and women,
but think carefully before you speak, and try to be fair.  Some of us
wonder whether we'll ever get credit for anything we do with the guys who
tell us how easy our lives are -- usually the same guys who never wanted
to listen when we could have told them how things were tough for us.

4) If no one has accused you of being sexist, try not to brag about not
being sexist.  Boasting shows that you think you're going above and beyond
the call of duty, when most of us would like to assume decent, thoughtful
individuals think they have an obligation to avoid prejudice.  However...

5) ... if you find causes or ideas in femisism which engage you, you will
probably be able to have many fruitful discussions with interesting 
people (some who agree with you and some who don't!).  Some people hate
to debate or try to persuade you to see things their way, but others
will be quite happy to encounter an open mind.  The more involved you
are in any issue emotionally or intellectually, the more productive
the conversation will be.  If you're clearly a dilettante, or if you're
unwilling to listen or change your mind, many feminists will steer clear
of talking to a brick wall.  Some will unfairly assume you're in one
of those categories because you're male, but many other feminists (like
me) are pathetically grateful not to be dismissed out of hand.  Which
reminds me...

6) DON'T underestimate your power to help someone by being supportive.
An anecdotal example: I'm a chemistry grad student -- the only female
student in my group of 5-10 (depending on the year) who work for the
same advisor (male).  Once at a group meeting, an unusually mellow mood
was prevailing, and we were joking about buying workstations (I think)
with a TV facility built in.  "We could watch the Super Bowl while we
waited for our codes to run," the senior student in the group said.
We all laughed.  He then added as an afterthought, "You could watch
soap operas, Julie!"  I actually thought for a second that he knew
my intense dislike of soap operas and affection for football, before I
realized he couldn't have known these things and was merely assuming,
and pointing out, that I was female and therefore expected to have different
tastes.  I was younger and timider then, and more stunned by the whole
situation than I would be now, and I said nothing, but I felt awful.  It
was trivial, but it was a last-straw moment among many similar (and worse)
ones I'd had in grad school.  What struck me most was not so much that 
this one guy had done something asinine, but that all the others, including
my advisor, didn't seem to notice that anything had happened.  To me,
it seemed to be a clear and depressing sign that they *all* saw me as
alien from them -- having the characteristics of an average woman, but
not of an average theoretical chemist.  I wasn't angry (then); I was 
depressed.  After the meeting, I said nothing to anyone about how I
felt.  But after a while, one guy said to me, "I couldn't believe what
---- said in group meeting about soap operas!", etc.  I felt *so*
much better that I was *not* alone and isolated in how I saw things.
Ever since then, I've known I can trust that guy to pay attention to
sexism, not because someone's hounding him, but because he's trying
to be fair and thoughtful.  Without a few men like him around, I think
I'd be long gone from chemistry...

7) Actions often speak louder than words.  I have seen and felt an 
enormous amount of good will toward men who show up at marches for 
reproductive rights or clinic defenses, for instance.  It frustrates
me to see (from my grassroots viewpoint) women doing most of the work,
and putting up most of the money, for this particular cause that affects
men too; but that makes me feel all the more positive toward the men
who *do* put their time and effort where their mouths are.  Truly
cool people.  It's probably a great way for guys to pick women up,
too, if that gives some of you guys some incentive... :)

	Well, you said 10 things, but this is pretty long already!
Hope I wasn't too didactic in tone; but if I was patronizing, I'm
sure someone will tell me.

---julie

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