Newsgroups: bit.listserv.allmusic
Date:         Tue, 5 Jan 1993 11:19:42 CST
Comments:     Resent-From: Little Inquisitor <U33963@UICVM>
From:         Little Inquisitor <U33963@UICVM.BITNET>

I'm back for what will hopefully be my last post.  Rome was great.  The food an
d drink were magnificent.  And in my spare time I brushed up on the latest
doctrinal teachings and newest sins.  Too bad I don't have time to share
them with you right now.  I should inform you, however, that my Evil Twin was
spotted in Mallorca, chasing after tall Nordic blondes.  I've tried to rehabili
tate him numerous times, but it's a hopeless enterprise.

                                                  The Little Inquisitor


Subject:      1992 Allmusic Awards Nominations

My conscience cannot allow posing these questions and not
attempting some answers.  I was trying to finesse this by invoking
my modest mental means and my even more meager musical might -- not
to mention my newbie status of only 4 1/2 months!
Still, the issue is pressing, and the teacher in me demands res-
ponses, so here they go.

1. Rising star or revelation of the year.

Since I joined, the award has to go to Marsha, the witty redhead,
who's shown that she can hold a musical dialogue -- and not only an
a cappella one -- and also hold down law school.  Her musical gifts
and interests more than amply belie her age.
(BTW, her failed marriage proposal was hilarious,
and almost as inspired as her magnificent
compilation.)  Marsha, hurry up and finish school. I may need to
retain counsel -- preferably a divorce lawyer-- if my wife
ever goes thru with her threat to
evict me and/or my record collection.
I know I could turn to my sister the sharpie but
I'm afraid that given her feminist convictions
she's only side with my epidemiologist spouse :(
(Still, I simply CANNOT imagine
what the list was like before Sonia joined, which I understand was
only two months before I did.)

2. Wittiest poster.  (Rolling on the Floor Laughing Prize)

IMHO this award goes to the supposedly sexless physicist up there in
in Yankeeland, who managed to crack me up with several absolutely
demonic posts, most particularly the one about his brother's
wedding, which by itself deserves an award.  Hey, Tim, how's Jenna?
BTW, she deserves the Sisterhood is Powerful (NOT) Camille Paglia
Prize for her comments on all-girl bands.  This post was a beaut!

3. Most consistent initiator & promoter of dialogue. (Threadmaker Award)

This goes to Triple M Man without a doubt.  He also succeeded
in posting wonderful psych picks -- oh yeah, a pretty fine
list.  Also a physicist?  Emmmmm?  What's with these guys?  We used
to think they were nerdy; now they're sexy.  How times change :)
In my days --right after The Flood-- the really sexy guys were
humanists, particularly philosophers, who used to get parallel with
remarkable regularity by spouting existentialist nonsense while
pretending to be Sartre.  Also sexy were the lacrosse jocks and
unfortunately *not* the soccer or chess players like myself :-(

4. Funkiest poster.

This one's easy.  Hands down it's Sonia.  Who else would dare to
self-describe as a psychedelic bondage pinup, wear fishnet
threads, win a Twist contest, cook enchiladas for Ornette and
post private e-mail about Yoga on Allmusic?!?! This while enriching
Allmusic's language with endless puns and playful conceptual lingo.
This fellow Scorpio also rightly called herself sexy, hot,
temperamental and intelligent (during my birthday contest), bringing
tears of frustration to me because *I* didn't have the brass
_cojones_ to make such patently shameless statements :(
However, I also confess my huge admiration for the funkiness of the
ROTCOD JAZZMAN.  This guy gives a whole new meaning to funk and is
way cool and his musical interests are almost beyond the cutting
edge.

5. Nastiest poster (Painful Plague Prize)

The punky pesky pest from Plattburgh (sp?)  No contest here.
Ruxpin was just memory when I joined, though he was still spoken
about a lot.


6. Friendliest and kindest Allmusicker.

Marco, Michelle and McIntyre.  (Even has a nice ring to it)

7. Clueless poster award. (Frippie Prize)

It would be too easy to award this one to Lenny, even though
it's mighty tempting.  Hell, no, I won't do it!
(Besides, he likes blues and liked The Litter.)  This one will go
to myself for still never having heard anything by (or of)
Holdsworth -- at least nothing that I am aware of.
May Day! May Day!
Honorable mention: to the person who kept claiming that this was
not really Allmusic.  I can't remember the name.  Damn!! :(

8. Grossest musical mistake in a post.  (Ignoramus Prize)

Co-winners, Sonia and myself; she, for the
_Peter and the Wolf_ miscue, and I for the _Ionisation_ fiasco.
Consumed by dread, I panicked.  None of the options looked terribly
appealing: I could try to ignore it and hope that nobody would
notice.  I could plead ignorance and blame it on the Little
Inquisitor's Evil Twin, but he's not *that* stupid. Or I could
adopt the defiant stance of a Spanish gentleman, and challenge
anyone -- man or a woman -- to a duel to clear my honor.  Maybe
I could cower under the terminal desk and ride out the musical
storm coming my way.  Such embarrassments are hard to live down.

9. Most original review of a tape, album or CD.

Many winners here: Adam, McIntyre, Sonia (for her psychedelic review
of a ROTCOD tape -- and which had me tripped out on a hot summer
morning -- and her now immortal review of _Ionisation_), and of
course the one and only Canookie for her review of the Rheostatics
(sp?), using the uniquely provocative "make/get me wet scale." BTW,
I'm going to recommend to our dean that he institute such a method
of assessment in the college for rating faculty productivity and
effectiveness.  On the other hand, I'm not sure our institution is
yet ready for such daring methods of evaluation :(

10. Sexiest poster.  (Libby Doe Prize)

Carol O'Lickme hands -- and head -- down.  ;-)  Makes me wish for
reincarnation as the Energizer Bunnie so that I can take a licking
and keep on ticking :*)  Or else come back as a bodhran to get a
lifetime's worth of bodacious banging :-) (Deep *sigh*)
En passant, the Maid of Bedlam taught me that things are not
always what they seem on the net. E.g., that a woodie is neither
a surfboard nor an Allen; and that, in fact, it may be closely
related to a bird (woodpecker) or a snake (of the one-eyed trouser
variety). ;*)   Academics would do well to master these subtexts.

11. Most playful poster.

Adam, Hammer, Sonia, Maid in Bedlam and earlymusicman Ken.  Special
mention to the Ed the Madd (sp?), whose poetic gift really
uplifted Allmusic's sometimes plodding and prosaic tenor.
Especially Strange Playfulness award to Bob Crispen.
His post with my birthday estimate -- comparing me
to a 12-yr old Lesley Gore, I believe -- was singularly bizarre.
See also 14 below.

12. Best Allmusic flamer.

Adam, n.n. and Bloom will have to share this one.
Good mixture of wit, humor and good old-fashioned nasty sarcasm.
Still, when his shorts are in a knot, Tim can dish it out with the
best of them.

13. Most astonishing confession or personal revelation.

This one's got to go to the notoriously incurable Headmistress
and part-time dominatrix who, at the time of the First Annual
Allmusic Confessional -- a practice I hope to see institutionalized
on a yearly basis at Lent -- electrified the list
with the startling admission that her nipples went perpendicular
to the music of Victor Borge, causing me to stare at the screen in
udder disbelief and turn green with envy :-)_________ (drool running
out the side of my mouth).  Of course Lenny too his share of
glorious revelations -- in fact, many too many to detail here :-)

14. Strangest Allmusic post.

Crispen had his share in this category.  Didn't he wish
for nude pics of some of his favorite net.babes?  And didn't
Lenny try to convince the list that someone had been using his
account in his absence?  This was grand! I don't recall all the
details --Malbuff, help!  You're good at this;
in fact, probably the best on the list.  My memory is fried.

15. Classiest Allmusicker.

Many nominees here: Marco, Malbuff, Beer and McIntyre.

16. Most dazzling all-around poster.

Bloom, though I, for one, was not impressed that the Marimba Man
was unfamiliar with the immortal Harry (Magic Mallet) Breuer. Though
coming to think of it, neither was I (nor anyone else) until I
found one of his clunky "masterpiezas" in a thrift store ;-)

17. Keeper of the Allmusic flame award.  (To the person who epitomizes
the spirit & ideals -- whatever they might be -- of the list.  This is the
highest honor that can be accorded an Allmusicker.)

I really can't give it to any *one* person.  It would be unfair to
do so.  Besides, there's some residual Maoism in me that resists
according the highest honor to an individual.  Therefore, believing,
as I do, in the collective wisdom of the masses and the power of
numbers, I nominate the following dedicated Allmusickers:
Marco, McIntyre, Bloom, Carol, Sonia, Malbuff,
Paul, Beer, Tim, Gary (Seeya) G., Hammer and chuckrateez (sp?).
(The Twelve Apostles?)
In one measure or another I regard them
all as true Guardians of the Allmusic Flame.

Peace & love,

-Renato (Who swam today to classical music for the first time.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be a soppy, syrupy late 19th c.
violin concerto. Just awful)

P.S.  While I was in the bookstore yesterday checking to see whether
the books for my courses were in, a young woman came up to me and
asked me if I was taking the survey course --such flattery!-- and
I meekly answered "no, I'm teaching it."  She blushed.
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