From: jammer@eskimo.com (Lyle Harwood)
Subject: Re: A Tall Tale for Twelfth Night
Organization: -> ESKIMO NORTH (206) For-Ever <-
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 23:57:12 GMT

John Ockerbloom (spok+@cs.cmu.edu) wrote:
: It's a typically merry crowd in Callahans on Twelfth Night.  Not that
: many people are celebrating the now largely-forgotten holiday outright,
: but the merriment in the various parts of the bar would make any
: Elizabethan proud.  By the hot tub, the New Year's undersea party is
: still underway.  A bit farther away from the center, the mistletoe hanging
: from the rafter beams is being put to good use.  And in one of the
: many tables out towards the corners, John is being badly beaten in chess.
: 
: "I think this game's yours," he says to the lurker opposite him, as she
:  captures his last pawn with her queen, and places it next to the 14 other
:  pieces on her side.  "Well played."
: 
: "You put up a good fight yourself, before it was done," the lurker says
:  as she hands the pieces back.  She holds up one of the knights to the
:  light.  "And I love your chess set.  The carving on the horses almost
:  makes them seem alive."
: 
: "Thanks," says John, smiling.  "But you should see the sets Mike's got
:  in the back room; he brings 'em out every now and then for tournaments.
:  They were hand-made in Russia, and the detail and ornamentation is amazing.
:  Every piece is like a miniature statue."
: 
: "Mmmm," the lurker says.  "Where'd he find sets like that?~
: 
: "Glad you asked," says John, leaning back with a big grin on his face.
: "There's a story to that.  As a matter of fact it took place on another
:  Twelfth Night some years ago, right here in Callahans...."
: 
: "It was a blustery, snowy night then... temperature below zero,
:  when three strangers in parkas and fur hats walked into Callahans,
:  leaving the door swinging widely in their wake.  Their names, as we
:  were soon informed several times, were Yuri, Rudolf, and Mikhail.
: 
: "'Barkeep!' one of them shouted, as the other two pulled a table in front
:  of the fireplace-- blocking the line of fire from the chalkline, I might
:  add-- 'Three glasses of your best vodka!  And make it quick!  We do not
:  suffer inferior service gladly!'
: 
: "Needless to say, this didn't put Mike in too friendly a disposition
:  towards them.  But he still poured out the glasses, and had Rudolf come
:  over to the end of the bar to pay for them.  Meanwhile, Yuri and Mikhail
:  were standing over a nearby table, where Doc Webster and Jake were trying
:  to play a game of chess.  But it's hard for even the Doc to keep up his
:  concentration when the game is constantly being interrupted by loud
:  comments like 'A stupid attack!  Any novice could see through that!'
:  Or 'White can crush you from that position like Spassky in 74, but of
:  course he would't begin to see how.'  Or even 'Hmph!  I could beat both of
:  you blindfolded!'
: 
: "Finally Doc set a piece down firmly, and said, 'All right, fellows, we'll
:  see.  Why don't Jake and I finish this game on our own, and the winner
:  here gets to play your best man?  Whoever loses buys the winner a beer.'
: 
: "'Hah!' said Mikhail.  'Old man, do you know who that man is?' he said,
:  pointing to Rudolf.  'That is Rudolf Polya, who taught Kasparov while
:  he was still a boy.  But for Party politics, he could be world champion
:  today.   Playing you lame Americans for your horsepiss is beneath him.'
: 
: "'Is that so?' said someone at a nearby table, getting up quickly.
:  It was about this time that the commotion had brought me down from the
:  rafters, where I'd been napping next to Grapevine.  'What's going on?'
:  I asked Mike, as I reached the bottom of the stairs.
: 
: "Mike simply jerked his thumb toward Doc's table.  'Chess nuts boasting
:  by the open fire,' he said, in a low voice.
: 
: "Seeing that things could get ugly quite soon, I headed over near the
:  fireplace. 'Let's do this calmly, folks,' I said to the fellow who'd
:  gotten up.  Turning to Rudolf, I said 'Well, Mr. Polya, how about a quick
:  game?  Doc's one of our best players, and I'm sure we'd learn a lot from
:  watching you play.'
: 
: "Doc shook his head and pointed to the other two.  'They never let poor
:  Rudolf join in any lame beer games,' he explained.
: 
: "Rudolf also shook his head.  'We take our play more seriously where we
:  come from,' he said.  'This is how *we* play.'  And each of them pulled
:  out a case from under their table, unfolded a board, and started
:  to set out lines of the most elaborate chess pieces I'd ever seen, their
:  surfaces all pure gold, with tiny gems along the surfaces, and detail
:  so sharp you could count the queen's eyelashes.  As the pieces stood there
:  glittering in the firelight, Rudolf asked 'Well?  We stake these, to
:  challenge anyone here to beat any of us.  Provided, of course,' he said with
:  a thin smile, 'you can come up with a stake worthy of matching these pieces.'
: 
: "The whole room went silent for a moment.  Then all of a sudden Mike walked
:  out of the back room with a set of cases-- I don't know the half of *what*
:  he keeps back there. 'We accept,' he said.  'Try these for our side.'
:  And he opens up a few of the cases to reveal... pennies.  But in mint
:  condition, of a design I'd never seen before.  For one, it was Ben
:  Franklin on the head side, and a building I didn't recognize on the tail."
: 
: "'Old Ben liked to say that a penny saved was a penny earned,' Mike said,
:  'and in this case he was more than right.  These are all from that centenary
:  issue cast in Philadelphia in 1806, which had a very limited run.  If
:  any of you gents know coins, I don't need to tell you how valuable they are.
:  So set up those boards, because we'll set our champion up against all three
:  of you.'  And while the Russians were still trying to come up with a reply,
:  he smiled further, and added 'Simultaneously.'"
: 
: "I didn't think even the regular Callahanians could get more surprised than
:  that, until he turned to me and said 'John, how about you doing the honors?'"
: 
: "But how did--" the lurker asks, looking down at the pieces she captured.
:  "Were they just bluffing?  Or did you do that trick where you make the
:  first player's moves in the second player's game?"
: 
: "Neither," John says.  "I was told afterwards that they were playing at
:  near-grandmaster level, but all three of them lost.  I think they got
:  too careless; they saw that I was apprehensive, and didn't really understand
:  what I was doing, so by the time they saw their vulnerabilities, it
:  was too late."  He smiles.  "Of course, I really *didn't* understand
:  what I was doing, but fortunately Grapevine did."
: 
: "You're kidding!" the lurker says.  "You mean you were getting signals
:  from your robot the whole time?  Wouldn't that be cheating?"
: 
: "Not at all," says John. "Remember, the challenge was made to *anyone* in
:  the bar.  Grapevine's certainly a someone; just not the someone they
:  thought they were playing.  And with the usual collection of alien
:  and mechanical life down here, you can hardly say they weren't warned."
: 
: "Actually, they felt even more shamed when we told them who
:  their real opponent was.  It was bad enough to lose to a man, they
:  said, but to lose to a machine was humiliating.  I didn't understand
:  it at the time, but after hearing some of the interviews with Kasparov
:  and other chess masters, I think I have a clearer idea why.
: 
: He then smiles.  "Most of us simply found it funny, rather than
:  humiliating, and the more the Russians spluttered, the more hilarious it
:  became.  'No hard feelings, gentlemen,' Mike told them afterwards.  'You
:  played well, and gave this bar a good show.  John, keep one of the
:  penny-cases; you've earned it. Rudolf, Mikhail, and Yuri-- how about some
:  more vodka, on the house?' But they weren't in the mood, I'm afraid-- didn't
:  even notice the Callahanians looking skyward at the end of Mike's offer.
:  They left shortly thereafter, leaving the chesspieces behind.  So, to close
:  an already too-long story, that's how Mike got his three golden chess sets."
: 
: "Quite a tale," the lurker remarks.  "There wouldn't be a moral to this
:  story of yours now, would there?"
: 
: "Not really," says John.  "But it's still worth telling tonight, I think.
:  After all, how many nights do three wiseguys from the east come in
:  and leave you with mirth, gold, and Franklin cents?"
: 
: In the sudden but very brief silence following this remark, John has
: the chance to think "I knew I should have stuck to lurking..."
: 
: John Ockerbloom
: -- 
: ==========================================================================
: ockerbloom@cs.cmu.edu                4209 Murray Ave., Pittsburgh PA 15217
From: daq@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Doug Quarnstrom)
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 21:30:57 GMT
Subject: Re: The world, and what it'd be like...
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Fort Collins, CO, USA