From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Subject: Re: Abuse and Homosexuality
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 18:19:53 GMT

In article <BvoGsC.GJL@twwells.com> anon-1267@twwells.com (Brian) writes:
>
[some comments about netiquette and the subject line deleted--you are
definitely welcome to be here and share, Brian.]


>Was I abused?  Sure.  I was 10; he was a 16-yr-old neighbor. 
>Things could've been a lot worse than they were.  I don't
>remember how long it went on; it probably lasted only two or
>three months.  I don't think this is a big problem in my life;
>it happened 18 years ago.  It isn't something I think about a
>lot. I honestly can't say whether or not it has any effect on
>who I am today.

You say you don't think about it a lot, but have you ever thought about
it a lot?  From my own experience and reading and listening to the experiences
of lots of survivors, three months of abuse usually turns out to be a problem
in most peoples' lives.  I would recommend continuing to post here, finding
someone safe to talk to about abuse issues, and reading books such as 
_Victims No Longer_ (that's the one by Mike Lew, I think?) or The 
Courage to Heal (it's about women's experiences, but many men find it
helpful).
 
  But.  There are some things in my life which may
>or may not be related to it.  The most important one is Part II of
>the title above.
>  
>I'm basically, mostly, gay.  And _that_ is why I'm posting this
>anonymously.  I am not exactly intending to "blame" this on the
>neighbor guy...some of you reading this will no doubt reject that
>notion in its entirety, since you believe one's sexuality is
>biologically, rather than environmentally, determined.

	Well, I can say that I'm glad you expressed yourself so well
and so carefully in this post.  I think I understand what you're feeling
to some degree.  I think that whether or not the abuse has had a determining
affect on your sexual preference, it's probably affected how you feel
about all issues of your sexuality.

  Still,
>there is a correlation between abuse and gayness.  The casuality is
>another question. Like I said, I'm not trying to say this is the
>only reason I'm this way.

I don't know the figures you're referring to.  I tend to believe that
questioning ones sexual preference opens one up to remembering abuse.
People honest about gay or bi feelings are more likely to be honest about
abuse as well.

>So why am I throwing this out for 15,000 people to read?  Be-
>cause I don't want to be gay.  I'm not 100%, but I'm real close
>(maybe 80-90%).  To some of you, this may sound like tragicomic
>tripe.  That's ok.  If so, just disregard.  But I thought there
>might be others like me reading this newsgroup. If so, and if you
>have any ideas at all that might help, please let me know.  Even if
>you're willing to just talk about this, please e-mail something
>off.  I'd like to communicate with someone who knows what this is
>like.
>
It doesn't sound like tragicomic tripe, it sounds like you're hurting.
I'm probably not the kind of person you're looking for to talk to, because
my experiences are different.  I am bisexual woman and in a monogamous relationship
with a man.  The first abuse I remember was by a girl who used to babysit
for me.  The age difference is probably similar to yours and the neighbor   
who abused you.  I know that when I began to recognize my attraction to
women, I worried that I wouldn't be able to separate sexual experiences with
women from the abuse.  Fortunately, it was often easier than I thought it
would be.  Unfortunately, there were other times in my life where powerful
feelings of fear and shame clung to every sexual impulse I had. 

Feel free to email me if you wish.  Oh, I would also like to ask why you
don't want to be gay.  I know, there are lots of reasons, but knowing what
you don't like about it will give a lot of us more insight, I think.

I respect you a lot for posting this.  Take care...

Sherri



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for you, there will come a time when