From: rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov (Bob Boyd)
Subject: Re: Loss and how to adjust
Organization: UNISYS/Environmental Protection Agency
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 16:31:11 GMT

Don,

I tried to reply to your post with e-mail, but it was rejected by a gateway,
so I'm posting my response here instead.

I'm really touched by your expression of the pain that you are going through.

Your situation sounds pretty painful.  Grief work is challenging -- and the 
progress of it is not always the way I would like it to go.  Sometimes I am
just not ready to let go and get on with the next phase of my life.   I'm in
the middle of working on some stuff that goes back to my childhood  and I'm
almost 37 now.  Until a couple of years ago I really didn't have the support
system I needed to fully enter into the grief work that I'm now doing.

I could offer you lots of advice -- somehow I don't think that advice is what
you need right now.  It sounds like you have some needs around being heard,
and maybe some reassurance that the feelings you are feeling will not overwhelm
you -- and that they won't last forever.

Most of the people I know who have experienced the death of someone report that
the anniversaries can be full of emotions -- sometimes the pain comes back in
flooding waves.  You are neither good nor bad if this happens to you -- your
system is still working through the process of adjusting to the loss and the
grief.  

The pain will not last forever -- the way out of the pain is to shore up 
your support system - - something I have done when it gets intense for me
is to go out and add to my support system -- this has had a powerful effect
on me in the last 4-5 months.  The way out is through -- you're really doing
some powerful work to express your fears the way you have in your post.

I've changed my mind -- I'm going to give you some things to think about
if you choose to.  

I wish you well as you struggle with your fears.  They sound very powerful
on the surface -- you may want to consider exploring the question "What
are each of those fears about?  What is underneath them?  What is the fear
protecting you from?  Is there something or someone you are trying to control
through staying in these fears?  Or are you trying to control your own
emotions?"

Another question I would like to pose to you is "How would you like to feel
about your accident and the loss of Bonnie?"  What is getting in the way of
you moving toward having the feelings you want to have?

Recently I put together some thoughts that have come to me from various sources
and included them in a post that I made 2-3 weeks ago.  Here is that text:


                          Grieving Our Losses

Grieving is a process.  It is simple and it is complicated.  It can be
short (a few moments) or it can be long (years).  Some people plunge into
it, while others hold back.

Here are some insights about how the process progresses.  It is not always
linear.  Sometimes we skip around, back and forth between steps.  Sometimes
we are in more than 1 step at a time.  There are no have-to's in this process.
There are consequences when we get stuck -- sometimes it helps to ask for
help with it when we feel stuck.

Grieving can be done alone -- however, it is a sometimes exhausting process
and may be too much for one person to handle by themselves -- it works 
really well for most of us to find at least 1 other person to be there
with us to be a witness for our grief.  It also helps to ask them or someone
else to remind us that the pain and other feelings will not last forever --
they will eventually pass.

Here is what it looks like:

1.  We have awareness of loss, pain, disappointment -- acknowledgement
    that something unpleasant has happened.

2.  We limit our awareness (this is instinctive -- we have to bring it
                            down to a manageable size)
    This is a natural part of the process.  
    This phase is where we are most likely to get stuck.

    Some strategies that we use in this phase:  

       Holding on through:  anger, resentment, bitterness, pretending 
                            that it didn't happen/isn't true,  repeatedly
                            telling about it, blaming ourselves.
       Letting go and getting on with my life.

    We sometimes get into "racket feelings" -- these are "old" and comfortable
    feelings.  Most of us have 1-3 major feelings that are most comfortable.
    This process is usually addictive.  The particular feeling could be 
    anything -- anger, helplessness, panic, sadness, hopelessness, happy, etc.

3.  We find true awareness -- of our anger, sadness, loss -- these feelings
    may be very intense and last for some length of time.  Eventually they
    begin to fade or surface only briefly from time to time.

4.  We reach a sense of acceptance -- a tender, centered, gentle place of
    being able to say "This is my truth"

5.  We gain perspective -- new insights, connections, find some sense of
    meaning for ourselves in the experience.

6.  We revise or restructure our life out of the experience

7.  We find compassion and forgiveness

8.  We undergo a transformation
--
Bob Boyd                 
rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov 
Unisys/EPA               

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