Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: confrontations
From: pooder@vax2.winona.msus.edu
Date: 9 Jan 93 11:51:52 CST
Organization: Winona State University

In article <C0I7uz.tH@twwells.com>, aHillary writes:

> 
> I'll try to keep this short and to the point.  This is my first time 
> posting although I've been reading for a while now.  I have a question
> about confronting your abuser(s).  Everything I have read and been 
> told in a 12-step support group I am member of tells me that I MUST
> confront my abuser (my father and, indirectly, my mother) in order to 
> begin to put the pieces of my life back together.  
> 

I am sadded by your story.  I am glad that you are working at your 
recovery.  It is hard work.

I don't agree that you MUST confront to put your life back ttogether.
My therapist and a book on sexual abuse (title? author?) view confrontation
as another tool that may or may not help, depending on the individual
and the circumstances.

I decided to confront my brother who sexually abused me when I was 8 and he
was 15.  I decided after much therapy and after coming a long way towards
feeling "normal".  My therapist gave me a list of guidelines for the 
confrontation, and I will pass them along to you if you decide that's the
right thing for you to do.  But please decide for yourself.  It's your
recovery and no one can decide better than you what you need to do.

             Confrontation Guidelines

1) Write my thoughts out ahead of time and take with me to read.

     I wrote a whole script to follow and I read it to my brother word for
     word.  It helped keep me from forgetting things and kept me from 
     getting sidetracked -- a very easy thing to do during a tense time.

2) Go over in my head several possible scenes and how I might handle them.

     I even "practiced" the scenes with a trusted friend, so I had some
     idea of how I might react to each one.  The confrontation went about
     hofirst thought it would, but having "practiced" gavehelped  ive the
     confidance I needed to go through it. 

3) Set it up in my terms.

     This point was very important to me.  I told him we were going for a
     walk and I was going to talk to him.  We were in a park and outside
     of his house.  I was in control.  Probably for the first time I was
     in charge of our interaction together.  It helped remove some of the
     feeling of powerlessness I carry with me. 

4) Have a place to go afterward.

     I had the friend I "practiced" with drive me there and back.  I was
     scared and quiet all the way there and I talked nonstop the whole 2
     hours back.  She has been one of my support people through the whole
     crisis and it was so good to have her there after the confrontation.
     I was drained, and I doubt I could have driven myself home.

5) Have a plan to handle any feelings this might bring up.

     Having someone to talk to right away took care of most of s one.  I
     I did have an appointment with my therapist just in case, but I 
     cancelled it.  I will be going back to see him pretty soon, though, 
     because there are feelings coming out that I'm having trouble dealing
     with because of the confrontation.

6) Leave it there as much as possible.

     This was the hardest one for me.  There is so much anger and pain.
     He responded about how I expected he would.  No response.  No "I'm
     sorry." (which I didn't expect), no denial that I could be assertive
     against, just , but nothing I could do anything with).

Over all, it has been good for me to have confronted him.  It was only three
weeks ago, though,  and there may be a blow up still to come, but so far, so
good.  I left a lot of anger there, and I see my brother more as deserving
of my pity.  He was from a very abusive background and was rejected over and
over until my parents adopted him.  I have some satisfaction in knowing that
one chain of abuse was stopped in this generation, for what that's worth.

I also have a rare advantage that most abuse victims don't have.  I told my 
parents about what he did and, although they were against my confronting him,
they have been supportive.  I marvel at the strength of people who can deal
with their abuse without the support I've gotten through all this mess.

I hope these guidelines help. 

Whether or not you decide to go ahead with the confrontation, I wish you
the very best.  

Don
   
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery