From: J.W.Harley@newcastle.ac.uk (Jon Harley)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Return of the FAQ
Date: 14 Dec 92 11:17:08 GMT
Organization: University of Newcastle upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU

I've been talking to several people by e-mail about resuscitating the soc.bi
FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) list and getting round to posting it
monthly. The consensus seems to be that this is a good idea, a view
reinforced by several recent requests for it.

Below is a somewhat updated version of the FAQ (last posted by Albert Lunde
many months ago). Alan Hamilton has suggested I start posting it to
news.answers in a month or two once people here have had a chance to comment
on it.

Here it is then, comments welcome, either on the group or by e-mail (to
J.W.Harley@newcastle.ac.uk).

-----

			     The soc.bi FAQ list
			     ===================

CONTENTS
--------

- Useful terms:
     Bisexual
     muffin
     de-muffining
     SO
     TOCOTOX
     MOTSS/MOTOS/MOTAS
     LGBO*
     bidar
     monosexual

- The FAQs:
1.   Aren't bisexuals just confused about their sexuality?   
2.   Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?
3.   Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?
4.   Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?
5.   Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?
6.   But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?
7.   Isn't everyone really bisexual?
8.   Why do you think bis are different from gays - all your problems
     come from homophobia, and you don't have any concerns different
     from gay concerns?
9.   Why would gays discriminate against bisexuals?
10.  Why _can't_ you choose one sex over the other?
11.  I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
     Am I bisexual?
12.  Are there any bi-friendly places in real life? 
13.  Is there really a bisexual community?
14.  "How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"
15.  Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?
16.  Can I post stories to soc.bi?
17.  Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?
18.  What is the Kinsey scale?
19.  What other resources are available on bisexuality?

- Contributors.


SOME USEFUL TERMS
-----------------

Bisexual      People who have erotic, affectionate, romantic feelings for,
              fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and women, and
              people who self-identify as bisexuals.

muffin        A person who reads but has never posted to soc.bi.

de-muffining  Posting to soc.bi for the first time, hence no longer being
	      a muffin.

SO            Significant Other. Unrestrictive term which may apply to
              lover, husband, wife, playpartner, or anyone else of
	      importance to the person concerned.

TOCOTOX	      TOo COmplicated TO eXplain. Alternative to SO, descriptive of
	      a non-traditional relationship which the person concerned does
	      not care to spend too much time describing.

MOTSS         Member(s) Of The Same Sex. Generally used to refer to those
              attracted to members of the same sex and stuff like that.
              Like most jargon, it can be used loosely.
	      Not to be confused with MOTTS, a brand of apple juice.

MOTOS         Member(s) Of The Opposite (or Other) Sex.

MOTAS         Member(s) Of The Appropriate Sex, used when the gender of a
              specific person or their partner is unknown, ambiguous, or
	      just not considered relevant.

LGBO*         (more often seen in soc.motss than soc.bi) Lesbian, Gay,
              Bisexual, Other, and anyone who feels left out of the above.

bidar	      the ability to spot bisexuals just by looking at people.
	      (from radar; gaydar is also used)

monosexual    Any person whose long-term sexual orientation and history
              indicates an attraction to only one sex; a homosexual or
              heterosexual, a Kinsey 6 or 0 (see below), and those who
              identify as monosexual. Homosexual individuals who feel a
	      strong solidarity with the bisexual community may object to
	      a term that associates them with heterosexuals. Still, in a
	      discussion where the focus is bisexuality, `monosexual' is
	      useful as a clinical term.


THE FAQs
--------

1.   Aren't bisexuals just confused about their sexuality?   

     It is natural for people who are coming out to themselves about their
sexuality to be feel confused. Bisexuals are people who are attracted to
both sexes; their reasons why they are attracted to one sex may be very
different from their reasons why they are attracted to the other, but this
does not mean they are "confused."

     For some people, bisexuality is a phase between homosexuality and
heterosexuality (there is NO "from/to" implied there; the individual in
question could be going in either direction), but for many people
bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation.


2.   Aren't bisexuals really denying their homosexuality?

     It's difficult for some gay people to come to grips with their
homosexuality, and for a while, dating MOTOS (q.v.) may make life seem a
little more "realistic" and bearable. Let's face it, coming out of the
closet and living as a homosexual is no picnic; between the sanctioned
discrimination of being in a perceived high risk group for AIDS and the
social standards of love, courtship, and marriage, being gay at times
takes more energy than humans should be asked to give.

     But coming out bisexual is no easy matter, either. Bisexuals have to
face loved ones who have relied in the past on their attraction to them
being constant, and who have to assure them that it will be there in the
future. Bisexuals deal with friends who assure them that their attraction
to motss is "a way of avoiding intimacy" or that their attraction to motos
is "internalized homophobia". Bisexuality is not an "easy out," a "denial,"
or a "middle ground." It is for some people the hardest decision they shall
ever make.

     Some bisexuals self-identify as gay or lesbian; for them, their
primary sexual interest lies in members of their same sex. But "gay" and
"lesbian" (and "bisexual" for that matter) are labels created by a
homophobic, biphobic, heterosexist society to create seperate categories
of "us" and "them." People are unique; they do not fit into these
comfortable little categories.

     But, attracted to or involved with MOTOS or not, revealing an
interest in MOTSS will result in gay-related discrimination and exclusion.


3.   Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?

     Most bisexuals feel they have a "preference" for one gender over
another, but they do not deny their attraction for that other gender.

     Some bisexuals, however, will deny any preference as such, and
instead focus their attractions on qualities they see in an individual,
regardless of that person's gender.


4.   Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?

     Being bisexual simply means having the potential for involvement
with either gender. This may mean sexually, emotionally, in reality or in
fantasy. Some bisexual people do have concurrent lovers of both sexes;
others may relate to different genders at different times. Most bisexuals
do not feel a need to see both genders simulataneously in order to feel
fulfilled.


5.   Are bisexuals capable of monogamy?

     Some bisexuals are monogamous, and some aren't. The question is like
asking "Can a priest truly be celibate" or "Can a married man be
monogamous?" The priest, the married man and the bisexual must deal with
the issue of lust in just the same way; it takes a conscious decision to
live with it and love their partner or their faith.

     Monogamy is _the_ socially sanctioned option with respect to
relationships, but then so is heterosexuality. If you are seeking a
monogamous relationship, that is a matter between you and your partner.


6.   But if they're monogamous, how can they be bisexual?

     A bisexual deciding to be monogamous is not deciding to be "gay" or
"straight." He/She is still bisexual; he/she has chosen a _person_ to live
his/her life with, not an orientation, preference or idealogue. It is
important to recognize that he/she still _feels_ bisexual.


7.   Isn't everyone really bisexual?

     Obviously, not everyone says or acts as if they were bisexual. It
is logically possible to say that everyone has some degree of potential
for bisexual feelings or behavoir, but this would be difficult to prove
in our polarized male/female, gay/straight society.

    "Potential" does not imply, however, that everyone "should" be
bisexual or that this potential is equally desirable for anyone to find
or express. It is better to not take such generalizations too seriously;
the length and breadth of human sexuality is far too diverse to stuff
under one sentence.


8.   Why do you think bis are different from gays - all your problems
     come from homophobia, and you don't have any concerns different
     from gay concerns?

     Except we do have concerns different from those of the gay
community, the most striking being prejudice from one of the most
oppressed communities on the planet: the gay community!  

     Among our other concerns are dealing with the emotion of SO's who
we do so deeply love yet who cannot understand our attraction to motos
(from them). And we deal with the myths of bisexuality.


9.   Why would gays discriminate against bisexuals?

     Because we are sometimes perceived as "hiding," a sense that some
bisexuals use their bisexuality to look heterosexual at work, in straight
social settings, to enjoy the "heterosexual privilege" that is part of
the social norm.


10.  Why _can't_ you choose one sex over the other?

     Some of us have tried, but why should we? Denying our attraction
to one sex or the other _hurts_. If you ask the question of innocence
(you don't feel this attraction, so why should anybody?) then you're
asking us to put away feelings that we cannot and will not live without.
If you ask these questions will full knowledge of the issues at hand,
then your question is as patently offensive as a white supremacist
asking us to choose one race over the other.   


11.  I've never slept with a MOTSS/MOTOS, but I feel attracted to one.
     Am I bisexual?

     Can you be? Sure. Are you? That's up to you to decide; nobody can
make that decision for you, and nobody has the right to tell you your
decision is wrong. Bisexuality isn't about _whom_ you sleep with, it's
about _how_ you feel.


12.  Are there any bi-friendly places in real life? 

     Yes. Some lesbian/gay venues (pubs/bars, clubs, meeting-rooms) welcome
bisexuals (or in some cases, at least tolerate us). Many major cities in
the UK and the USA (and, increasingly, in Australia) have bisexual groups
which meet regularly and provide a bi-friendly "space". Details of
how to get in contact with the nearest such group to you can be found in:
  _International Directory of Bisexual Groups_,
  published by the East Coast Bisexual Network.  Send US$5 to ECBN, POB
  639, Cambridge, Massachusetts 02140, USA.
Additions since the most recent edition of this are included in the
Bisexual Resources List (q.v.).


13.  Is there really a bisexual community?

     You're talking to one right now. We are here to share our lives,
through stories, history, friends, family; we are here, on soc.bi, to
reach out from one bisexual to another and bridge the gap between isolated
bisexual communities. To be the human part of the interface.   

     We are slowly coming together, demanding that our love of both sexes
not me ridiculed or minimized. Demanding that as much as the gay/lesbian
community wants recognition and respect from the straight community, we
demand recognition and respect from both. We are falling in love or
grieving in loss; we deal with the very human issues of having children;
we deal with a world after the advent of AIDS.   


14.  "How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a threesome?"

     Don't even THINK about using soc.bi as a meat market for your
adolescent little fantasies. Soc.bi is a bi-friendly place; but it is _not_
alt.sex.*, alt.personals.*, or alt.romance, and attempts to use it as such
are not welcomed. Several romances, and many close friendships have
developed between soc.bi posters, but the newsgroup itself is primarily
for public discussion; we specifically ask you to refrain from posting to
this newsgroup only to pick up on people. There are several reasons for
this. One is to create a safer space for people to open up about themselves
and issues they wish to talk about. Another is to keep the quantity of
messages down. Another reason is to lessen tactless offers (especially
those including rude, obnoxious, or inappropriately gross language).

     So, please avail yourself of private e-mail to get to know people
better and discuss anything you wish. However, the FAQ writers would like to
encourage _anyone_ who feels they have received offensive email, regarding
threesomes or anything else, to contact the sysadmin of the system said mail
came from and inform him/her about a user's abuse of News privleges.   


15.  Is there anything else I should not discuss on soc.bi?

     While we'd like to be able to say "We can discuss anything here on
soc.bi," any consideration of the "morality" of bisexuality is specifically
inappropriate, so please, don't do it. That said, we all know that there
are Teddy Kaldis's and Clayton Cramers out there, who will be here to preach
unto us as only they can. For those of you who would like a livable
bi-space, please sit on your hands and don't answer them. You'll only be
encouraging their favorite form of mental masturbation.


16.  Can I post stories to soc.bi?

    Quite often soc.motss receives stories about coming out of the
closet or dealing with grief on the death of a loved one, one of the
ways bisexuals will come together as a community is through shared
stories, shared experiences. We can discuss our first time with a motss
(or, if we were self-identified homosexuals, with a motos). We can
discuss helping another friend through a crisis. And we can discuss
dealing with death.

    To be blunt, the very nature of the 'net says we can't stop people
if they want to post stories. New readers are advised to refrain from
posting stories until they have read the newsgroup for a while to
develop a feel for what topics are appropriate. So please, if you do
post stories, keep them relevant.


17.  Does anyone know of any good books with bisexual characters?

     The Bisexual Resources List (q.v.) gives up-to-date details of how to
get lists of books (both general literature, and specifically Science
Ficton/Fantasy) with bisexual themes and/or characters. Additions to these
lists are always welcomed.


18.  What is the Kinsey scale?   

     Dr. Alfred Kinsey created a scale, graduated between heterosexuality
and homosexuality, to rate individuals on actual experiences and
psychological reactions. The ratings are as follows:

     0: Exclusively heterosexual.  
     1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual.  
     2: Predominantly heterosexual, but recurrently homosexual.  
     3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual.  
     4: Predominantly homosexual, but recurrently heterosexual.  
     5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual.  
     6: Exclusively homosexual.   

     Although many people will say "I am Kinsey (whatever)," it should
be noted that Kinsey often rated people on a variety of levels, such as
"Past History," "Present History," "Present Feelings," and "Future
Inclinations."


19.  What other resources are available on bisexuality?

A Bisexual Resources List is posted monthly to soc.bi and several e-mail
lists. It contains, for example:
   - a diary of forthcoming events
   - a directory of other resource lists
   - a list of the various e-mail lists which may be relevant to bisexuals
   - descriptions of the newsgroups which may be relevant to bisexuals
   - a list of bisexual magazines/publications
   - a selection of books on the subject
   - list of bisexual activists' e-mail addresses.
If the resources list has expired at your site you can obtain a copy from
the maintainer, <alan@osf.org> (Alan Hamilton).


THE SOC.BI FAQ CONTRIBUTORS
---------------------------

From soc.bi:
carlton@scws6.harvard.edu (david carlton)
elf@halcyon.com (Elf Sternberg)
elle@midway.uchicago.edu (Ellen Keyne Seebacher)
gsmith@concour.cs.concordia.ca (Gene Ward Smith)
j.w.harley@newcastle.ac.uk (Jon Harley)
johnf@ssl.berkeley.edu (John Flanagan)
larry@bradley.bradley.edu (Larry D. Stratton)
lunde@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Albert Lunde)
michael@tfs.com (Michael Shiloh)
pierce@husc4.harvard.edu (Tim Pierce)
STella@thelema.uucp (STella)
tal@plts.UUCP (Tom Limoncelli)

From its origins in the soc.motss FAQ:
craigb@ot.austin.ibm.com (Craig Becker)
cyberoid@milton.u.washington.edu (Robert Jacobson)
davis@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu (Palmer Davis)
dfpedro@uswnvg.UUCP (Donn Pedro)
habs@panix.com (Harry Shapiro)
harryu@tfs.com (Harry Ugol)
hughes@dogwood.botany.uga.edu (Wayne Hughes)
js@princeton.edu (Jay Sekora)
lola@lucid.com (Lola McCrary)
rob@mtdiablo.Concord.CA.US (Rob Boldbear)
wjr@thelema.uucp (Bill Richard)

   ___________________ ____ ________________________________________
  / -- Jonathan Harley \  /_    And they covered up the sun        //    //  //
 / J.W.Harley@ncl.ac.uk \/ /   until the birds had gone away...   // // //////
/_Phone:UK 091 222 8504__\/___________________________________///////////  //