From: falcao@felix.metaphor.com (Ronnie Falcao)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Confronting my mother (LONG)
Date: 14 Aug 92 19:57:52 GMT
Organization: Metaphor Computer Systems, Mountain View, CA

In article <1992Aug12.073733.5261@microsoft.com> neilh@microsoft.com (Neil Hoopman) writes:
>I am posting this message for my wife:
>---------------------------------------------------

[Description of abuse for which her father was jailed,
 and censure from friends and family for trying to distance
 herself from her parents.]

>I have spent the last month struggling to decide
>what kind of role my parents can play in my life
>and me still be comfortable.  I've talked to my
>therapist and group, husband and friends about this.
>I guess my question is "Is it possible to heal without
>your first family?"  I have put a lot of thought into what
>Dance of Anger says about needing to change how you deal
>with the relationships in your first family in order
>to be successful in other relationships.  I just don't 
>know if I can take anymore of my parents.  Unfortunately,
>experience has shown me that when I separate myself from
>my parents the rest of my family jumps on the bandwagon 
>and of "what a bad daugher Sheila is".  In high school,
>this went so far as my mom and grandmother calling my
>friends and telling them what a terrible daughter I was and 
>telling the family I was living with all sorts of lies
>about my personal life.  When they would call and try
>this with me I would hang up.  The family I was staying 
>with thought this was rude(for me to hang up).  I still think
>"Hello-my mother is the one who is being rude-I am standing
>up for myself."
>
>How much does one have to take from their family?
>If I walk away from them will it be realistically possible
>for me to move on and be happy?  That is, have any of you
>honestly been able to do that?
>
>My husband has been a great support to me-especially tonight.
>I could use some survivor support too though : )
>
>If any of you have stuck with this I want to repeat that my 
>husband is posting this for me.  My name is Sheila and you can send
>stuff to me at his "address".  I do accept hugs.  And I need
>a few.  It's been a while since I've felt this small.
>
>Sheila


Hi, Sheila,

	Hugs to you.

	You ask, "Is it possible to heal without your first
family?"  Sometimes I ask myself if it's possible to heal *with*
my family of origin.

	I don't know why we should think that being family gives
someone a license to be abusive.  Although I agree that people
need to change abusive relationships in their family of origin, I
think one of the ways to change them is to terminate them.
Although families can provide lots of grist for the mill, that
doesn't necessarily mean that they're capable of having the kind
of relationship you want, or that they're willing to play by the
same rules.  In particular, my parents believe that any
unhappiness on my part is caused by my having left their church
and having indulged myself by being anything besides an
automaton.  There is no room for a real relationship with them.
I have stopped making efforts to maintain any kind of
relationship with my parents and have asked them not to visit me,
explaining why.

	Some of my siblings try to maintain a "pleasant"
relationship with my parents by hiding who they really are and by
submitting to unpleasant treatment from my parents.  I do not see
that their relationships with my parents bring them anything but
grief, although they maintain that it's important to them to have
a strong sense of family, and they seem to think there's a net
positive value to the relationship.

	My situation's fairly different from yours in that there
are some members of my family with whom I can have rewarding
relationships, and these people do not censure me for avoiding
the other members of my family.  However, if I had to choose
between having no contact with my family, and having only
unpleasant contact with my family, I'd probably choose no
contact.

	It's hard when "friends" seem to think less of you
because you don't maintain a relationship with your family.  I
don't know what to say other than that these people seem unable
to support you in doing what's best for yourself.  It's sad that
they think adhering to family roles is more important than being
happy.

	And yes, I am much happier having an honest and distant
relationship with my parents than maintaining the charade of
being the loving daughter.

	Good luck, and more hugs,
	Ronnie

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery