From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: just wondering...
Keywords: friends,love
Date: 17 Nov 92 22:46:22 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <41112@sdcc12.ucsd.edu> ph2sct@sdcc14.ucsd.edu (Dzu Nguyen) writes:
>hi holks...
>
>   I was here thinking the other day and i was wondering ...
>
>      what is it that makes someone become interested in one of
>their friends? is it lonliness? is it seeing them from a different
>perspective that they did not see them in before? and how can this
>interest turn into love? does the spark subside or does it continue
>to grow? this happend to me with my ex girlfriend. we had been good friends
>before then one day i asked her out and then after that i asked her
>out again (kinda the 'oh what the heck, i'm bored this weekend'
>attitude) and again and again until eventually we started going out.
>
Who was bored? Her, you or both? If you acted bored when you asked
her out, that is not going to make a good impression.

>anyway she said she needed her space after 3 months (whatta
>line...ack) and we broke up. 
>
When someone uses a cliche, it can mean they are trying to avoid saying
what they really feel. So I wouldn't read too much into that. 
'Need space' should mean she feels you are trying to be closer than
she is ready to be.

>                             we are still friends and she has gone
>through 2 other guys since then (then being august) so i know that
>the problem wasn't with me. 
>
What problem? You seem to be saying that because you broke up, that one
of you must have a problem. This does not follow. There are lots of
reasons for breakups.

>                             thinking back on it today made me wonder
>and hence my question....any comments or ideas?
>
>dzu
>
It is probably not worth worrying about why you broke up with her
unless you want to get back together with her. Reasons for breakups
tend to be specific to the two people involved, and if you worry 
too much about repeating the mistakes of your last relationship
in a new one, you can miss the some new pitfalls.

Even if you do want to get back together, you are not going to be 
able to understand exactly why you broke up. It might be helpful
to have some idea though. If you want someone to get involved with
you, you want to convince them (through actions, not words) of a
few things:

- That you are sincerely interested in them.
- That you are independent.
- That you are desirable.

One of the things people most like to see in others is an interest in
themselves.  Convincing someone that you are interested in them is
pretty easy if you are interested. You do have to make sure you show it
though. Talk to her. Ask questions, get her to talk about herself.
Listen to what she says. Compliment what you see as her good points.
Speak positively, avoid being negative or giving advice. Emphasize
how much you enjoyed activities the two of you shared.

Convincing someone you are interested can be fun, but showing independence
usually seems like work. If you want to get involved with someone, it is
easy to work too hard, or get impatient or jealous. These are signs of
dependency. Dependency scares people away, because they are afraid that
they will not be able to handle being responsible for another person.
Do not press for commitment, show impatience or jealousy. Don't try to
prove how committed you are to her by always being there for her. If you
act a lot more committed than she does, you will look dependent. Give 
her some chances to miss you.

Being desirable is all the miscellaneous stuff. Good grooming and dressing
neatly are a big plus. Being yourself usually helps. Having a social life
outside of your relationship helps (also make you look independent). Learn
to value yourself by identifying your good points. If you value yourself,
others will be more ready to value you.

Back to your particular situation, if you do want to get involved with
her again, I would work on getting her interested in you before (say)
asking her out again. It will be easier if you start out small, and
you will have a chance to decide just how much work you think it is 
worth.

Good Luck,
Michael.