From: rmitchel@jarthur.claremont.edu (bob)
Subject: Re: compartmentalization
Organization: Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA 91711
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 04:06:53 GMT

i just hate that message: this may cost hundred if not thousands of
dollars. like i really need any excuse not to post you fools (not
any of you but "you" as in the higher ups who decide to warn us
about things like that...)

warning: so now it is my turn. i'm writing this as someone quite
concerned about what his reality may turn into if he accepts 
something that is beginning to look more and more likely... anyone
with more knowledge or comments, people with MPD or not, i am in
need of some reasurrance and guidance.

In article <BxDJM1.4q0@twwells.com> anon-1374@twwells.com writes:
>Dear mouse,
I hope this doesn't confuse too many people, me using mouse or bob
depending on how i feel (i would say who's typing but i'm not quite
there yet...but stay tuned...)

>I am afraid with you about where the MP analogy ends.  I wish you
>well.
i guess i was really afraid on friday. i had the great debate that
discussing MO was unsafe because it might be true versus it is safe
because it couldn't possibly be a correct analogy for me during 
therapy. i guess all the pieces fell together in such a way that
i could no longer accept it as an approximate analogy. so, what do
i do...i attack the fear. 

i read the description in the DSM-III R about a month ago, and used
my interpretation to declare myself sane. unfortunately, the whole
DSM-III R started blurring together over time, and so on friday, my
reasoning part had false information that it was using to convince
me i was mistaken--i could not possibly consider the analogy to hold
any water for me.
so, after therapy (during which the sight of the DSM-III R caused me
a fair amount of stress) i headed straight for the library and the
DSM-II R. i know, i know, the book warns us non-trained people about
making our own diagnosis and they probably don't want us reading it
either... anyhow, i quickly realized how badly my mind had twisted
the description to save me from having to deal with reality(?).

during the course of the session, my therapist asked me to ask her
any questions (at this point, any direction she tried sent me into
mild dissociation.) i didn't know what to ask, or more likely what
she wanted me to ask. i sorta plan on going in this week with a
series of questions: what should i know about MPD that i haven't 
displayed knowledge about? would you describe to me your
interpretation of my thought process. what would be your current
diagnosis if you were forced to make one?   i guess my mind is
ready to accept whatever. 

i went home somewhat scared, i wrote, asking myself some questions.
i was in a safe spot and i sense that the answers are as truthful as
my mind could ever be. reproduced here for you are some of those
Q and A's--the therapist will also get these first thing, before my
questions.

he he... sorry, but i think i'll wait a while before posting my
answers. but, i will post the questions i asked myself, and if
anyone has any other good questions i might consider trying, i 
would be appreciative...

why are you afraid of the MP label?
do you feel as though you have separate personalities?
if you had several personalities, who would they be?
who are you now?

and mouse responded that he was there along with bob.
i think of mouse as the one who gets to go anywhere within
the prison (my mind) that he wants. i just got the weird sensation
that i what i am saying is important, is true. 

and then i asked mouse a series of questions...
are these personalities or roles? (refering to the second question.)
he asked for clarification on the distinction...
i said that personalities imply cross-situational (i wish i had
remembered the wording for the DSM-III R.)
how separate are they?
what changes are there?

and just like now, the mouse felt he'd better hide.

>Here's more about what I mean by compartmentalization.
>The biggest example that comes to mind at the moment is that I can
>love two people totally - not at once, but one part of the time and
>one at another.  In general, when something major happens to me, I can
>just behave like I always do - even feel all of the same feelings.
>Then at another time I am not like I always am, I really feel the
>major event, and the whole rest of my life doesn't seem really there.
>I know it is real - that I don't doubt.  But I feel totally different
>- I react totally differently depending on what the situation seems to
>demand.  I keep my feelings tied up so no one else suffers from my
>abrupt changes in feelings/attitudes - because I know what my
>responsibilities are.  Still I FEEL differently, I react differently
>inside.

Thanks, i think. Unfortunately, like much of the stuff written an
ASAR, i wonder how you were able to get such a good look at my
reality to post something that i could have written.

>  Fortunately, I'm a very good actor thanks to a long childhood
>of training. :|

Aren't we all. I must have one of the world's best PR people, he
can even convince me that "everything is normal, there's nothing
to be concerned about."

>All my life, I've strived to be an integrated person whose actions
>really make sense.  Yet when I consider myself as a whole, I cannot
>make sense because I feel incompatible emotions.  (Not just
>individually incompatible, but ones compatible only with a totally
>separate person.)
>
>I don't know how to describe what I feel.  I hope this helps.
>
>Peace
>lizard

indeed it does. i really wanted to reproduce my answers to the
questions, but the censors just wouldn't allow it. however, i 
promised myself i wouldn't beat myself up for beating myself up
so you'll have to be patient.

thanks. 
bob