From: jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: ALL:  Lunch-hour inspiration
Content-Type: text
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 16:03:58 EDT
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4dev PL73]
Content-Length: 3867      

     DISCLAIMER:  The following is strictly for the sake of
humor and is not intended to endorse or denigrate ANYONE's
favorite show.

'Twas the night before sweeps month
And all 'round the stage
All the writers were sweating
(They'd all lost a page.)
The directors were sconced in their console chairs
In hopes that St. Nielsen soon would be theirs.
The actors were sleeping, each one snug in their bed,
Wishing that they were on primetime instead.
Momma in Frederick's, and I in the nude
Had just settled down to watch daytime's most lewd
When there on the screen appeared such a clamor
I stopped the fast-forward to see if it mattered!
The TV was flick'ring, with lots of strange snow --
I feared that the tape had gotten too old.
When what to my near-sighted eyes should revolve
But a miniature globe - what did that involve?
And then a big book, with its pages turning
And an hourglass shape, its sands daily churning.
Pre-empted at once, a face showed its visage --
"The weather again?"  I groaned at the image.
Surrounded by actors, who'd all lust for fame,
He moved them like puppets, and called each one names -
"On Mallett!  On Mason!  On Conner and Kristen!
On Roger!  On Trucker!  On Palmer and Dixie!"
His eyes were wicked, his nose red as a cherry
And his devilish smile was certainly scary.
He chain-smoked white Camels, within a blue haze
I feared this meant Carly had o'ertaken "Days".
"Wond'ring 'bout plotlines?"  he suddenly asked,
"I've got all the scripts, if you've got lots of cash!"
"You talking to me?" I said, as if I cared less,
Wishing I could catch up on "Young and the Restless."
"I certainly am, for it's sweeps month, you know
And I've got the spoilers for each network show!
One with a murder, with everyone suspect -
Another a family with possible incest!
A villain once dead, back to terrorize more,
And LOADS of SEX;  bed, bar, beach, and floor!"
"It's all the same thing!"  I said with a sneer,
"Why not try something cool, even Willum Shakespeare?
Othello or Hamlet, Macbeth or King Lear -
Now those are Real Plotlines!" said I, quaffing beer.
His eyebrows knitted as he thought this thing through --
For a moment I hoped I might see something new!
"That just won't raise ratings," he said, shaking his head,
"Those housewives just want dumb young hunks bare, and in
bed!
They're not ready for true sophistication --
If we tried something good, we'd get a vacation!
I'm sorry, for it seems the creative is garbage --
Look at all the affiliates canning "Santa Barbara!"
All of a sudden, the screen went totally blank
(I didn't have another wide-screen in the bank.)
It came right back on - was it network promotion?
"For all of you with slavish soap devotion
We'll recycle actors, and do the tired plotline
Because ratings are God, no matter what they define --
If you would just SWITCH to the best daytime fare
We wouldn't put the same ol' sh*t on the air!
But no, even though it doesn't seem possible --
You just keep right on watching "General Hospital"!
Luke and Laura are gone!  Nina's history, Cliff is Jack,
And of course you keep asking when Tad will be back!
Lose your loyalty, write a letter, put on a new show,
Otherwise you'll get more Oprah and Geraldo!"

I flicked off the TV, with Momma fast asleep,
And wondered if this verse was getting too deep.
But I heard a voice from programming heaven,
Exclaiming it was already a quarter to seven --
"You know," it whispered, "it's true most soap fans are
dutiful --
Take those poor souls who watch "Bold and the Beautiful."
It's unfortunately so, that soap watchers aren't bright,
But at least a few of them still watch...
                                        "Guiding Light".



With apologies to just about everybody...

     Lazzzzzzzzerjet Jimmy
     jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov


(As of sending, the newsfeed's jammed, so all critics
should weigh in via e-mail)