From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: birthdays
Date: 12 Jan 1993 01:52:09 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

anon-1534@twwells.com (Suzanna) writes:

>cloister@stein.u.washington.edu writes:

>   on the one hand i'dlike it if all my friends got together and threw
>   a party for me just because they liked me.  i have other friends
>   for whom that happens.  on the other hand, i don't really like
>   being the center of attention and i'm very awkward at parties.

>I'm sorry, this is another stupid question. Do most people on this
>newsgroup have friends and/or a SO? All the posts I've read here, I
>think, although admittedly not a large number, mention friends in some
>context. I must be missing out on something proper.

no, not all of us do.  perhaps i should explain.  i tend to forget because i've
been around asar for so long that not everyone here knows all the things i've
explained about myself in the past.  i've had to work very hard at building a
group of people i can call "friends."  work hard at opening up, at finding
people i could trust, etc.  by no means are people just handed a set of friends
and that's that.  a lot of us, especially us survivors, have had to do some
real work in order to have friends and even lovers.

>   >I'm sorry, I don't know what I want to do, because I don't know what I
>   >should be doing. The two are synonymous, for me at least. This must be
>   >wrong then.

>   there's nothing wrong with doing things you should do.  so long as
>   *you* decide that you should do them.  if other people are deciding
>   what you should do all the time, then i think there's something
>   wrong.

>I'm sorry, I'm not at all sure if I anyone is deciding what I should
>be doing. Since I left home I have done the same thing, every day,
>without much change. Recently I started to go to university, but that
>just means more work and less time at home (although it is very
>interesting!). 

>   try this for a while: let your heart's desires decide what you
>   should be doing, then go ahead and do them.  you seem like an
>   intelligent person to me, and i have no doubts that you are able to
>   decide whether or not something would be harmful before you do it.

>I'm sorry; there are two things I would like to do which I have not
>done, but I can not do either of them. One is find a friend or friends
>with whom to spend time. Unfortunately, I haven't found anyone who
>seems 'right', probably because I can't talk to people and they don't
>like me.

i'm sorry to contradict you, but you can.  you're talking to us here on asar.
sure, we may not be face to face, but that doesn't make any of this interaction
any less real.  and people do like you.  i like you; you seem very genuine and
honest to me.  i'm sure there are others out there (in real life and on the
net) who like you too.

[ my previous speculations deleted ]

>I'm sorry, I am not very proficient at self-analysis. What you say
>above might be very correct, but I do not have your knowledge of how I
>should be. However, it certainly is a convenient theory.

suzanna, almost no one is expert at self-analysis.  it's one of those extremely
hard things to do because there is no way you can be objective about yourself.
don't worry about not being able to fully self-analyze yourself.  heck, i
probably have problems which are glaringly obvious to other people but
completely invisible to me.  

second, i hate to break it to you, but _i_have_no_knowledge_of_how_you_should_
_be_!!  the only one who can have that knowledge is you.  only you can decide
what is right for you and so how you should be.  you you you.  not me.  not a
therapist, not anyone else on asar.  not your parents, not friends, your
siblings or spouse, nor aunts nor uncles nor imaginary friends.  only you.
it's your life, you get to live it how you want to.

again, i have no idea how you _should_ be.  all i can do is let you know some
things which have worked for me, and hope that they can help you.  ultimately,
it's up to you.  not only do i not have any such information, but i wouldn't
want it if it were offered to me.  i don't feel that it's any of my place
telling you what to do.  all i can do is offer you a friendly ear and another
point of view to see yourself from.  i don't mean to plow this into the ground,
but i really don't think i can stress this point enough: it's your life, with
all the implications that statement carries.

>[Advice deleted for reasons of space; sorry, I will heed it.]

again, do so only if you feel it's right for you and is helpful advice.

>   many *hugs* to you, suzanna.  i know i've been struggling with this
>   self-image and self-esteem thing for a long time.  i think i'm
>   getting better with it.  i guess i'm saying i have some idea of
>   what you're going through and i empathize.
>   take care, ok?

>Thank you for your concern and support. I will take care.

>I'm sorry, I noticed that in my previous post (the follow-up to which
>this is itself following-up) I wrote "peoples's". This should have
>read "people's". I'm sorry, I didn't notice it in time to delete the
>post.

it's ok.  no one worries about typos here.  in an english class, sure.  on
asar, who cares?  we've got more important matters to deal with than a
typographical error.  i want you to take this opportunity to notice something:
you made a mistake (granted, not a big one), and nothing bad happened.  the
grammar police did not descend on your house and lecture you about posessives
or anything like that.  no one is perfect, and that's ok.  look at me, i flaunt
the shift key almost pathologically and does anyone complain?  nope.

>Suzanna
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