From: shafer@rigel.dfrf.nasa.gov (Mary Shafer)
Subject: Re: giving handmade gifts
Organization: NASA Dryden, Edwards, Cal.
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 00:53:51 GMT

On 11 Sep 92 22:28:30 GMT, Marina.Salume@Corp.Sun.COM (Marina Salume) said:

>If you give me
>something that needs more care than I'm willing to give, tough.  I
>don't care how much time and effort you lavished over it, it'll hang
>in my closet for a while and then ... off to "New to You".

MS> I guess I am amazed to find that someone would not feel that a
MS> hand knitted sweater was worth sending to the dry cleaners
MS> rather than throwing it in the washing machine! I always
MS> include "care instructions" with my gifts if they require anything
MS> out of the ordinary, and never give a baby quilt or children's
MS> clothes that can't be machine washed and dried. 

You misread what I said--I won't handwash or iron.  I will dryclean.
But don't try to dictate a change in my lifestyle just so you can feel
appreciated.

I consider giving a handwash-only, ironing-required item to be only
slightly less inconsiderate than giving an Old English Sheepdog puppy.

Besides, if you're going to make me a hand-knitted sweater, you're
already doomed.  I don't wear sweaters.  None.  Not ever.  I don't
like them.  But I'm absolutely certain you would have noticed that and
you would have come up with something different to give me.  And it
won't be tan or beige, because I hate tan and beige, and you would
have noticed that I don't own anything in either color.

MS> I try to take my friend's decorating style
MS> and clothing tastes into consideration, altho it's always possible
MS> to guess wrong, I suppose. Wouldn't it be kinder to ask the person
MS> if they'd like the handmade gift back, before you chuck it in the 
MS> trash or give it to charity??? 

It might be kinder, but I'd rather not have to be so direct.  I don't
want the giver to know that I thought that this lovely thing (and I am
perfectly sure that it is lovely, it's just that I don't like it) that
she slaved over for months was too ugly to grace my home or my body.
Yes, I'm a coward.

MS> I have given my friend other handmade gifts which she did thank me
MS> for, and displayed in her home, and she has frequently told
MS> me she loves handmade things. These are not the signals to send out 
MS> if she doesn't really want to get handmade gifts! And she makes homemade
MS> jam and gives that for gifts, and tells me how cheap it is, she was able
MS> to spend only $1.50 per person last year at Christmas. This gives her
MS> great satisfaction, evidently, but seems to reinforce her belief that
MS> people only give handmade gifts to save money.

Well, now you know.  At least you won't get this kind of signal from
me if you give me something I don't like.  I won't enthuse endlessly
about it when I open it.  You'll never see it again.  I'll give you
a lot of clues that I'm at best lukewarm about it.

And, of course, your manners will be much too good to ask me where
it is, won't they?  Something about not asking questions that one
doesn't want to hear a truthful answer to comes to mind here.

> If you can't accept
>the possibility of your work being unappreciated, don't give it away
>unless you _know_ (perhaps by asking before you start) that the
>recipient wants it.

MS> I don't think we are saying we expect undying gratitude, just
MS> a little consideration for our feelings. After all, what if someone BUYS
MS> you a gift that you don't like? Don't we all have an Aunt Ethel who gives
MS> us a hideous ornament for the mantel, and whenever she comes to visit
MS> we dash to put it out so she can see it is appreciated? Which is more
MS> important, my decorating scheme or Aunt Ethel's feelings? I think that
MS> is why we are upset, when we realize a friend puts their own convenience
MS> over our feelings, or doesn't realize that our feelings might be hurt at
MS> all. It's hard to accept thoughtlessness from those we call "best friend". 

I've sent things my mother-in-law gave me to the thrift store.  You
think I'm going to worry about Aunt Ethel?  My taste in how I'm going
to furnish my home and how I'm going to dress is a lot more important
to me than appeasing some gift giver.

If you're really my friend, you're not going to expect me to plop a
lacy, ruffled, green thing down in the middle of my contemporary grey,
blue, and white living room just to make you feel good, are you?
That's emotional blackmail and it goes way beyond any
"thoughtlessness" on my part for not displaying it and pretending to
like it.  Besides, it's probably not thoughtless--I will have thought
about it and felt bad about it.  That won't change what I do, but I
won't do it thoughtlessly.

Look, it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the gift or that I don't
recognize how much effort went into it, it's just that I'm not going
to change my decor to save the giver's feelings or feel guilty because
I can't love the gift as much as the giver did.  That's not thoughtless
or cruel or inconsiderate, it's just the way things are.

Which would you prefer--that I hang your cross-stitch picture in my
laundry room (to refer back to a previous poster's complaint) or that
I send it to the thrift store?  Would you like it better if I donated
it to the hospital to hang in one of the rooms?  What about putting it
in a closet and never getting it out again?  Passing it on to a friend
who really likes it?  Throwing it out?  Why?  

--
Mary Shafer  DoD #0362 KotFR NASA Dryden Flight Research Facility, Edwards, CA
shafer@rigel.dfrf.nasa.gov                    Of course I don't speak for NASA
 "There's no kill like a guns kill." LCDR "Hoser" Satrapa, gunnery instructor
                       "A kill is a kill."  Anonymous