HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan)
Subject: Back To Work Angst
Organization: Johns Hopkins Computer Science Department, Baltimore, MD
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 19:41:18 GMT

For over a month now, I've been do nothing at all--nothing!--save spilling my 
guts.  Not merely my guts, but my soul as well.  Not merely spilling, but 
vomiting.  Vomiting guts and soul in a copious stream--no, a geyser!  That's 
what I've been doing: vomiting guts and soul in a geyser that splashes 
everywhere uncontrollably.  Some on alt.angst, some to my best friend over a 
pitcher, some--the lion's share--to a couple of e-mail correspondents I met on 
alt.angst.  It feels good.  I enjoy it.  It somehow makes me very sane, and 
very secure.  I haven't felt this way in years.  I thought I had "grown up"
and no longer needed this sort of catharsis.  I don't know if I'm ready to
stop yet.

But my workstation wasn't put on my desk for therapy.  My research assistantship
is not intended to fund self-study.  I feel like a leech on society, a 
pathetic creature without a backbone.  Will I ever feel like getting back to 
work?  Can I fake it?  I'm waiting... waiting for a transition, waiting 
for the old academic drive to come back.  

Right now, the grad student in me is manned by a skeleton crew.

--
"I would rather be torn to pieces by the poison-clawed cat, than to suffer one
instant of acceptance by the resident intellectuals of rec.arts.books." 
     [slightly modified; attribution left as an exercise to the reader]
              -- Paul Callahan, callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu --
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: matt@crawfish.math.tulane.edu (Matt Hopkins)
Subject: Re: Back To Work Angst
Nntp-Posting-Host-[nntpd-2859]: crawfish.math.tulane.edu
Organization: Computer Science Dept., Tulane Univ., New Orleans, LA
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 19:12:37 GMT

In article <1993Jan5.194118.15142@blaze.cs.jhu.edu> callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu  
(Paul Callahan) writes:
> For over a month now, I've been do nothing at all--nothing!--save spilling  
my 
> guts.  Not merely my guts, but my soul as well.  Not merely spilling, but 
> vomiting.  Vomiting guts and soul in a copious stream--no, a geyser!  That's 
> what I've been doing: vomiting guts and soul in a geyser that splashes 
> everywhere uncontrollably.  Some on alt.angst, some to my best friend over a 
> pitcher, some--the lion's share--to a couple of e-mail correspondents I met  
on 
> alt.angst.  It feels good.  I enjoy it.  It somehow makes me very sane, and 
> very secure.  I haven't felt this way in years.  I thought I had "grown up"
> and no longer needed this sort of catharsis.  I don't know if I'm ready to
> stop yet.
> 
> But my workstation wasn't put on my desk for therapy.  My research  
assistantship
> is not intended to fund self-study.  I feel like a leech on society, a 
> pathetic creature without a backbone.  Will I ever feel like getting back to 
> work?  Can I fake it?  I'm waiting... waiting for a transition, waiting 
> for the old academic drive to come back.  
> 
> Right now, the grad student in me is manned by a skeleton crew.

Don't I know it... I've been kind of floating since last spring.  At the  
beginning of last semester I started going out at nights .. incessently.   
Whoever it was who lives in Ottawa, count yourself lucky.  I live in New  
Orleans, where it is very easy (even encouraged!) to go out and find something  
incredibly fun to do EVERY night.  

So I've had this reading list for my orals for about a year now.  If I had  
been given a deadline things would be much better...  As it stands, I decide  
when I'm prepared enough to take them.  Procrastination, procrastination,  
procrastination...

My academic drive has been gone since last May.  I can feel it returning now,  
though.  I'm certain that giving up drinking is a large part of it. (I had  
gotten pretty out of hand.  A fifth (or so) each night, every night.)  I am  
starting to get some real studying done now, but staying away from bars &  
bottles is my biggest present concern...  

I don't have any advice as to how to get the drive back.  Just time?  I think  
a lot of mine was fear: I had told the department I would take my orals  
sometime in early Spring.  Well, early spring is now here, and I don't have  
nearly enough done, so I'm worried.  

Matt

--
        matt@crawfish.math.tulane.edu (NeXT Mail accepted!)
 Matt Hopkins - Tulane University - Dept of Mathematics - New Orleans
 "Do you hate people?" "No ... but I seem to feel better when they're
      not around." - Barfly  "Hey mister! Throw me some beads!"
From: conty@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (E. Kontei)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Petty "relationship angst"
Date: 8 Jan 93 22:10:53 GMT
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories


Last time I quit reading alt.angst, it was a-plenty with petty
"relationship angst" stories, often told by people who would rather
complain than get off their angsty a**es and DO something about
their situation.

I see things haven't changed.  Pity.

How I spent my New Year's Eve:  I DON'T REMEMBER,
AND I DON'T CARE, SO WHY THE **CK SHOULD YOU?!
-- 
			    E n r i q u e  C o n t y
			       Master of Science!
			      jester@ihlpm.att.com
		    Disclaimer: You're not dealing with AT&T
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: sokay@cyclone.mitre.org (Stephen J. Okay)
Subject: Re: The eternal questions...
Organization: Mitre Corporation, McLean, VA
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1993 14:47:41 GMT

In article <1993Jan5.163056.18277@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu> rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins) writes:
>In article <93004.162358IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET> IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET writes:
>>crash and burn from the start has always been my motto too, rachel...
>>
>>i feel as if i owe it to them to be my rude and obnoxious twisted self
>>right up front... they may as well know the truth right off, why
>>trick them into thinking i'm a nice person?
>
>hmm. yeah, although i tend to be more obscure and weird when i meet people..

Heh...yeah, well, I wouldn't say you were really that weird when I met you.
Okay, put it another way: You were weird, but I'm used to weird and obscure
so it didn't really throw me...

For myself though I tend to feel the same way and to be as off the wall
and hyper as possible. If they can deal with me that way, well the normalcy
maintained the other 90% of the time will be a welcome relief, but at least
they know I get like this.

Later,
----Steve
-- 
---------
sokay@cyclone.mitre.org
		"Your Mind....My Playground" ---me 
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: EUCLID@vmd.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: Re: Debt
Organization: C.C.S.O.
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 22:23:06 GMT

Good grief!  This is all sounding so much like stuff from my own life.
I, too, get an ill feeling when buying things, though i've desensitised
myself on small ticket items (i mean real small, like groceries).  About
5-6 years ago i bought a boom-box...biggest thing i'd ever gotten, dollar-
wise, and spent the rest of the day having a near continous angst-attack.
Nowadays i think i could do it again without freaking like that, but items
that are much bigger...like, say, a car...would certainly give me the same
gut-churning fear response.  When i mangae to get cool and detatched about
it, i can't figure out why i act that way, except possibly the depression
era parents i had, and the not-terribly-financially-secure situation i
myself grew up in.  And yes, my grandmother did some creative stashing of
cash and other things,too.  And there was the stock of canned goods in the
basement (which is weird. Judging from the dust, i wondered if she ever went
in there more than twice a year).  But then, lots of folks of that era
didn't trust the banks after they failed and what savings they had in them
was lost.
Somehow, realizing other people have this difficulty makes me feel a wee
better...thanks, folks.
 
euclid
   "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life--so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." --Matt Cartmill
 
Euclid@vmd.cso.uiuc.edu
standard disclaimers apply
From: thespian@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Stephanie M. Clarkson)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Petty "relationship angst"
Date: Sat, 09 Jan 93 08:56:08 EST
Distribution: world
Organization: darkpark

dsmither@alfred.carleton.ca (Diane Smithers) writes:

> In <1993Jan8.221053.21824@cbnewsl.cb.att.com> conty@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (E. Ko
> 
> >Last time I quit reading alt.angst, it was a-plenty with petty
> >"relationship angst" stories, often told by people who would rather
> >complain than get off their angsty a**es and DO something about
> >their situation.
> 
> >I see things haven't changed.  Pity.
> 
> >How I spent my New Year's Eve:  I DON'T REMEMBER,
> >AND I DON'T CARE, SO WHY THE **CK SHOULD YOU?!
> >-- 
> >			    E n r i q u e  C o n t y
> >			       Master of Science!
> >			      jester@ihlpm.att.com
> >		    Disclaimer: You're not dealing with AT&T
> 
> 
> As a new participator in this newsgroup, I wonder if someone could
> tell me if this kind of anti-relationship-angst crusader thing
> happens very often and perhaps offer some creative theories as to why?
> Also, is there some kind of historical debate here in this group about
> what constitute "legitimate, *serious* angst issues"? (or, alternatively,
> should I just get lost and go read an archive or something?)
> 
> Diane

 
Near as I can tell, every once in a while some idiot decides to chastise 
all of us who hang out here with the thought that maybe abuse will snap 
us out of it...
 
Personally, the only laughs *I* get reading alt.angst are at these idiots 
who think that a bandwidth flame of angsters is really going to have any 
effect on us...
 
But then again...maybe someone who has so many problems that they feel 
the need to pick on people who have expressed their problems really does 
need to be here, anyways...
 

Stephanie...
 
    Stephanie M. Clarkson : thespian@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca         
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
         A whole new world; A hundred thousand things to see,
         I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far
         I can't go back to where I used to be.   
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  ~~~~~~~~~ please do not send me files over 30k...fnord. ~~~~~~~~~
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan)
Subject: Re: hair (was Re: qualities in men)
Organization: Johns Hopkins Computer Science Department, Baltimore, MD
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 22:39:59 GMT

semenoff@fraser.sfu.ca (Robert Semenoff) writes:

>About 2 years ago I started letting all my hair grow out and
>started wearing bizarre clothing, throwing
>all observation of conventional
>fashion to the wind. I found that liberating in another way, compared
>to a more conventional appearance .
>I found that an outlandish appearance is a license for
>greater freedom of behavior.

>Two possible explanations:

>1.
>The people around you expect (and sometimes appreciate)
>non-conventional behaviour because you have already communicated
>it (through your outward appearance).

Yeah, but it's a double-edged sword.  Some days you wake up, and you want
to do normal things.  You don't feel especially creative.  If you look
crazy, everyone is expecting you to act crazy too, and they're disappointed
and confused if you act normal.  Sometimes it's fun to disappoint people 
that way.  Usually, though, I'd prefer to be left alone.

>2.
>You're in a more relaxed frame of mind (you're not really worried
>about your appearance because you're so far out already),
>and you don't give a shit what anybody thinks of you,
>so you just act more naturally.

I'm now in a very relaxed frame of mind.  My "fashion sense" isn't bizarre, but
it's not quite conventional either.  My main criterion is that clothing be
comfortable.  Fortunately, I'm in grad school, and I can wear what I want.  
I really don't care what people think of me, for the most part.  Or rather,
I don't attach much merit to the opinions of people superficial enough to
judge me by hair or clothing.  However, I'm happy if such people stay out of
my way.  When I look weird, they sometimes make a nuisance of themselves 
with stupid comments.

I agree that there are advantages to both ways of looking at things.  Right
at the moment, though, I'd prefer to look inconspicous.
--
Paul Callahan (callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu)   
..who wouldn't mind Usenet so much, 
except you have to go out for espresso,
and there's nobody shouting "Go, Daddy, Go!"
From: sbate@atl.ge.com (Stephen)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: No meaning
Date: 06 Jan 93 17:08:18 GMT
Organization: ATL
	<SBATE.93Jan4091800@mary.atl.ge.com>
	<1993Jan5.225903.8456@CSD-NewsHost.Stanford.EDU>
Reply-To: sbate@atl.ge.com
NNTP-Posting-Host: mary.atl.ge.com
In-reply-to: brm@Xenon.Stanford.EDU's message of 05 Jan 93 17:59:03 EST

In article <1993Jan5.225903.8456@CSD-NewsHost.Stanford.EDU> brm@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Brian R. Murphy) writes:
> In article <SBATE.93Jan4091800@mary.atl.ge.com> sbate@atl.ge.com writes:
> >...
> >Acknowledging your fate doesn't save you. It only gives you the
> >*possibility* of escape. Without realization of the "terror of the
> >situation", escape is impossible.
> 
> nothing can enable escape from the whole system.
> like it or not, you are you and can't help it, without (maybe) ending it.

Your right. In an absolute sense, escape is probably meaningless (and
least *I* don't know what it would mean). I'm talking about "escape"
in some specific contexts. For example, escape from being a mostly
unconscious stimulus-response machine, escape from the impossibility
of achieving my potential, escape from nonexistence after death (I believe
this escape depends on the other two). Normally, in our present condition,
we escape from one master only to serve another. I don't know, maybe that
is always the result. Maybe we just need to select our "masters" more
carefully.

> realizing your fate does help you to recognize a possibility of escape
> from an unpleasant situation, if some mistaken belief about life's
> meaning is keeping you there.  a slave who believes that it's god's
> will that he be a slave will never escape.  a slave who's lost that
> belief might have a chance.
> 
> of course, once he escapes, he's on his own.

Frightening, isn't it? However, it's possible that he won't be on his
own. Others who have escaped before him may be there to help. In fact,
these "enlightened slaves" may have even helped him escape in the first
place. It's very hard (if not impossible) to escape without help from
the "outside".

--
Stephen
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: tullfan@leland.Stanford.EDU (Richard Thompson)
Subject: Re: Petty "relationship angst"
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 93 12:40:49 GMT

>As a new participator in this newsgroup, I wonder if someone could
>tell me if this kind of anti-relationship-angst crusader thing
>happens very often and perhaps offer some creative theories as to why?
>Also, is there some kind of historical debate here in this group about
>what constitute "legitimate, *serious* angst issues"? (or, alternatively,
>should I just get lost and go read an archive or something?)

hmm...perhaps people so against the expression of relationship-angst have
never been involved in a relationship or something.  If they knew anything
about the nature of relationships, they would realize that a great deal of
angst in general can be traced back to this most important of human
phenomanon (or however the f*ck you spell it).  If someone wants to express
a fear or anxiety about anything at all, they damn well can and those that 
pretend to have a life prove they don't when all they can do is try to 
judge someone's expression of angst.  Postive feedback is a lot different than
coming down on someone for expressing the way they feel.  If you feel a 
certain way, what can you do, but express it.  I know first hand that critism
only serves to make things worse, while real positive input can help alot.
Angst is angst, dammit!  If you feel it, tell us about it and try to ignore
those oh-so-together people who claim you have not the true spirit of the
Sacrad Angst!

that's what i think anyway...quite the expert on angst for being a newbie
to this group aren't i?  maybe this group works differently then my own
silly intuitions...

rich.
-- 
"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain,
     and big words Bother me."
	-Winnie-the-Pooh
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: despair@netcom.com (Scott Hanson)
Subject: Re: Back To Work Angst
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1993 21:38:29 GMT

Paul Callahan writes:
>On a relevant note: anybody else out ever had the feeling "I haven't had
>enough fun lately to justify doing any work."?  

I tell myself that if I relax and do something enjoyable it will be easier
to work later.  It is a lie.  Fortunately, I never learn.

-- 
Scott Hanson		This has been a recording.
despair@netcom.com
From: ssalter@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (-=[SLS]=-)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Debt
Date: 7 Jan 93 17:29:10 GMT
Organization: OFSA

EUCLID@vmd.cso.uiuc.edu mentions:

>Good grief!  This is all sounding so much like stuff from my own life.
>I, too, get an ill feeling when buying things, though i've desensitised

I used to NEVER buy myself anything...I remember when I got a new
shirt for a gift..it stayed in the plastic for about 3 months before I
finally wore it.

Another thing I do is cook LOTS when I make something. I don't just
make a pot of chili...I make a GIANT pot of chili. Think it may have
something to do with a fear of "not having".

>it, i can't figure out why i act that way, except possibly the depression
>era parents i had, and the not-terribly-financially-secure situation i
>myself grew up in.  And yes, my grandmother did some creative stashing of

Yah, I think that is part of my reasons too..amazing huh?

Steve
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: tullfan@leland.Stanford.EDU (Richard Thompson)
Subject: Treading Water in the Big Swimming Pool of Life
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 93 08:47:49 GMT

And please...no self proclaimed "cheerleader" posts to my last post.  Your
idea of cheerleading does not impress me.

Legitimate, non-abusive feedback on the other hand would be greatly 
appreciated...

thanks...

rich.

-- 
"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain,
     and big words Bother me."
	-Winnie-the-Pooh
Organization: Arizona State University
Date: Monday, 11 Jan 1993 11:17:55 MST
From: <IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET>jo
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Diet Coke Angst (was Re: New Year's)
 <1993Jan11.053500.20646@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU> <zlsiida.697@fs1.mcc.ac.uk>

but just for angst purposes, know that Diet Coke has formaldehyde in it,
as has most diet soft drinks and AMERICAN beer.
not only will you be slim and trim, but well preserved.
From: tullfan@leland.Stanford.EDU (Richard Thompson)
Subject: Re: Fuck Middle Class Existence
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 93 20:55:04 GMT

In article <93011.101214IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET> <IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET>Jo writes:
>I watched the middle-class suburban existance kill my father also.
>watched him cash in his retirement to escape the 9 to 5 routine, to
>buy a small general store along the mississippi river, even as i tried
>to talk him out of it, tried to tell him he was buying into an existence
>that ceased to exist decades ago. watched his self-esteem and health
>crumble as the profits for the store did. watched him dwindle away
>to nothing and die as surely as the store slide toward bankruptcy.
>bought myself that VW bus, got out of a marriage doomed to send me down
>the same suburban spiral, and intend to raise my child MY way.

Wow...sounds alot like what happened to my father.  
I'm curoius about your lifestyle.  How 'your way' is.  That's neat that your
child is doing well with being from a different background.  I think if you
can manage to keep a kid's self-esteem up then they will adapt well to any
situation and raising them differently can be a plus.  My dad was kind of
hard on me in the early days, and I think that has a lot to do with why I
sought outside acceptence so badly.  

Do you have a tv.  That was always one of the hardest things--that's all kids
talk about!  Even now, in college, everyone talks about the latest cable
programming...boys in the hall and stuff...and my family has traditionaly
avoided cable--and I will always do so.  Man, if I have kids they are 
definately going to have an interesting time "fitting in"

good luck--raising a kid can be tough...i know I practically raised my younger
brother at times when noone else was there to do so...

thanks for the feedback...
rich.




-- 
"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain,
     and big words Bother me."
	-Winnie-the-Pooh
From: llama@tramp.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Petty "relationship angst"
Date: 10 Jan 93 21:08:02 GMT
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5

E. Kontei (conty@cbnewsl.cb.att.com) wrote:

: Last time I quit reading alt.angst, it was a-plenty with petty
: "relationship angst" stories, often told by people who would rather
: complain than get off their angsty a**es and DO something about
: their situation.

maybe complaining helps them purge things?

: I see things haven't changed.  Pity.

remember "the personal is political"? well, the personal can be
universal, too. talking about little tiny reflections of angst in our
everyday lives is a way of dealing with the giant blob of angst that's
lurking outside the door, waiting to smother us.

: How I spent my New Year's Eve:  I DON'T REMEMBER,
: AND I DON'T CARE, SO WHY THE **CK SHOULD YOU?!

you're right; you sound too dull for us to care. go back to the corner
and play with yourself some more.

--
sine | deb
what's wrong with a newsfroup where people can just *talk*? 
sheesh.