From: pw@panix.com (Paul Wallich)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Date: 7 Apr 92 15:31:47 GMT
Organization: (Ha!)

In article <1992Apr7.131701.11791@cbnewsi.cb.att.com> Brian.C.Kohn@att.com (The Resource, Poet-Magician of Quality) writes:
>In article <1992Apr7.005929.11543@vax5.cit.cornell.edu> rnjx@vax5.cit.cornell.edu writes:
>>>The question is this.  Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
>>>try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
>>>that you may start one with her/him?
>I responded:
>->I speak from experience...from being on the outside and initiating the
>->break-up.  I was unequivocally immoral in that case, and this is barely
>->mitigated by my claims of immaturity.  (In the immortal words of John Astin:
>->"I'm feeling much better now, thank you.")  I've learned my lesson...I
>->hope that someone else can learn from it instead of having to repeat my
>->error and experience the situation themself.
>In article <ku32idINNqj9@girtab.usc.edu> jodar@girtab.usc.edu (Nicholas Jodar) writes:
>>For myself, I refuse to become romantically involved with a
>>person who is already in a relationship...If a person cannot be trusted
>>in a minor affair, how can they be trusted in a more serious
>>matter?
>Yes Yes Yes!  This is precisely what happened, and I'm glad you
>mentioned it.  After realizing that "she" would forsake "him" for "me"
>with no so much as a thought, I could not trust her.
>Relationship: kaput! 

No! This is all wrong, or if not all wrong, at least based on a notion
of relationships that is at best stifling and at worst limited. Other
people's SO's who you are interested in are people too. If you make
romantic overtures to them, they are perfectly capable of saying, "No,
thanks" if that's what they mean and "Sure" if that's what they mean. The
consequences between them and the person they are "officially" involved
with are their lookout. Now that's not to say bad things may not happen,
or that you should make a move on someone who's vulnerable to get them to
do something clearly not in their best interest, but those are dangers
whether someone is officially attached or not.

A coupla stories:
One time I mentioned to a friend of mine that I had been fairly strongly
interested in her, but hadn't asked her out because she was seeing someone
else at the time and I didn't want to interfere. She responded with a good
deal of annoyance, pointing out that she wasn't the property of the person
she was going out with and would have preferred to make her own choice
rather than having me make it for her.

Another friend of mine did the classic bit of going out with one guy, then
falling in love with someone else over the summer... When the first guy
came back, both he and the second one reacted with strong territorial
instincts, insisting that she choose between them. Instead, at serious
personal pain, she told both of them to go away because she didn't like
what the way they fought said about the way they thought about her.


I am _not_ advocating wooing people in relationships just for the heck
of it. Nonetheless, if two people start falling for each other and one
of them is in a relationship already, then (gasp) they should talk
about what to do rather than one of them deciding unilaterally.
At least that's my humble thoughts on the matter.

paul