From: bakerj@gtephx.UUCP (Jon Baker)
Subject: Re: JFK, Oswald and Elvis - Unified Conspiracy Theory
Organization: AG Communication Systems, Phoenix, Arizona
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 14:52:46 GMT

In article <1992Sep10.085116.9848@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au>, sloth@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak) writes:
> Special Report: Elvis Killed JFK
>   For many years, two mysteries have been puzzling conspiratologists; the
> enigma of the Kennedy assassination and the question of whether Rock and Roll
> vocalist Elvis Presley is dead or alive. If you look at each issue separately,
> there are no solutions. However, if you put both cases together, the answer
> becomes obvious.

There are far more than two mysteries puzzling conspiratologies!  But you're
on the right track here.  Rather than nitpick the details of single
conspiracies, we need to take much broader look at multiple conspiracies to
see how they fit together.  Onwards ...

>   On November 15, 1963, Elvis Presley and Lee Harvey Oswald, both FBI agents, 
> swapped places. Elvis was used in a "black" operation to assassinate Kennedy,
> who was becoming a thorn in the side of a group of Pentagon hawks. However,
> the FBI had not counted on organised crime identity Jack Ruby shooting Elvis
> dead.

It's well known that Elvis was a close personal friend of J. Edgar Hoover,
and Hoover had a particular distaste for Kennedy's.  However, I think you've
gone a bit far with this theory.  Elvis and Oswald bear no physical resemblance
whatsoever, and to consider them swapping places is absurd.

In fact, it was Elvis on the grassy knoll who fired the fatal shot.  He did
this as a personal favor to Hoover.  However, Elvis was at the time too 
inexperienced to have masterminded this operation.  It can now be told, that
it was the late British media magnate Robert Maxwell who organized the
Kennedy assassination.  (Some have speculated, further, that it was a young
Robert Maxwell who was spotted running from the scene of the assassination
of the Archduke Ferdinand ... we may never know.)

Oswald knew about the Elvis/Maxwell/Hoover connection, and threatened to
spill the beans when he was caught.  He had to be eliminated.  Elvis
promised to do a gig at Jack Ruby's nightclub, if he would take care of
this problem.  Ruby did the deed, was arrested and convicted, and Elvis
stiffed him.

Fast forward thirty years - Robert Maxwell mysteriously falls off his
yacht, bare-assed naked, stone-cold sober, and drowns.  An accident?
I don't think so.  I haven't worked out the details of this one yet, but
I have several theories.
  - After the release of Oliver Stone's JFK, Maxwell was considering publishing
    'the truth' about the JFK assassination, in order to boost circulation and
    revenue in his sagging media operations.  Elvis visited him on his yacht,
    and killed him.
  - Also visiting Maxwell on the yacht was Jayne Mansfield, his long-time lover.
    Elvis discovered the two together, became jealous, had a lover's quarrel
    with Mansfield, and threw Maxwell overboard in his rage.
  - Also visiting Maxwell on the yacht was Jayne Mansfield, his long-time lover.
    Elvis discovered the two together, became jealous, had a lover's quarrel
    with Maxwell, and threw Maxwell overboard in his rage.
  - Also visiting Maxwell on the yacht was Ted Kennedy, his long-time lover.
    Elvis discovered the two together, became jealous, had a lover's quarrel
    with Maxwell, and threw Maxwell overboard in his rage.

>   The FBI then assigned Oswald to "become" Elvis Presley, whom they needed in 
> crucial operations against Satanist rock bands, the Civil Rights movement and
> the Church of Scientology. Oswald, who was officially "dead", assumed the
> identity of Elvis, who was officially "alive", and kept up the charade for
> fourteen years. During the early 1970s, he was answerable directly to
> CFR/Bilderberg man and Illuminatus Primus Nixon.

>   Nobody really knows for sure what happened to Oswald in 1977. One theory
> says that in 1977, when "Elvis" "died", Oswald was redeployed to Iran to
> help arrange the "revolution" and the subsequent hostage crisis, allowing
> the Republicans to win office from Jimmy Carter. Another theory states that
> Oswald was executed when the CIA found out that he was a double agent for
> the Cuban secret service.

The Elvis/Iran connection is not yet clear, but it is known that for a time
Elvis worked for the Israeli Massad.  Golda Meir (sp?) personally sent him on a
mission to exact revenge for past terrorist strikes against Jews.

>  (By now, many readers will have dismissed this story as utter nonsense;
> but then again there are many people who believe that things are always
> exactly as they seem, that governments are answerable to the people, that
> everything in the mass media is true, that Lee Harvey Oswald was a lone
> madman and that the rich and powerful became that way through hard work.
> The technical term for these people is "nebbishes". Fnord.).

Of course the theory is utter nonsense.  Elvis was on the grassy knoll, not
in the book depository.  Oswald was caught by Dallas police, not Elvis.
Please, keep your facts straight!

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