From: anon-1409@twwells.com (moondreamer)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: intro possible spoilers
Date: 26 Jan 93 23:23:33 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ANON-name: moondreamer etc.

hi everybody.
i've been reading for a while and really have a lot of respect for you all.
i've been debating for some time whether to post or not.  i'm really scared to.

but it looks like i am.
i hope it turns out ok.

this is hard.
i don't know what to say.
i'm sorry.

ok.  just start.
well.  there's lots of evidence that says i'm a survivor of sexual abuse and
probably incest.
there's lots of evidence that says i
oops.  that says i'm really lots of people.
i guess i should tell you all what i know as of now.
so maybe i should put in a spoiler warning

**********************SPOILER WARNING*******************************************























well, i don't really know very much.  i probably know more than i think i do.
all my freinds believe me so why don't i?

some of us do not want to accept that there are lots of us.  i seem to have a
little (about 5 i think) who does not want to have to share.
our housemate bought us some pretty pencils and i think she was out at the time
and she wanted just her to use the pencils.  our housmate said it was ok if 
they were just for her and that made her happy.  she doesn't want the others
around cause then she has to share the body with them.

but others don't want to believe that there's lots of us cause that would
probably mean really bad stuff happened.  and we have so much trouble believing
that anything could really have happened.

how can i believe that these things happened.
nobody could really have done such bad things.  my daddy couldn't have raped us
or anything like that.  he was supposed to love me.  he wasn't supposed to hurt
us.  i can't believe he would do that.  
but the one thing i really remember is seeing (can't type it) *seeing* my father
in the bathroom when we were little.  i always wanted to say that that didn't 
mean anything.  but it probably did and there's probably more to it than that.
i said a couple weeks ago that i think he was masturbating.  but i didn't really
remember that.  it was one of those things that i don't know until it comes
out of my mouth that i don't think before hand and is probably one of the others
talking with my voice. (yes we dhave different voice.  i have interuppted
myself in the middle of a scream or preverbal jibberish to start rationalizing
everything)  another thing somebody said (combined with the prescence of a 
preverbal) indicates that i may have been orally raped at around the age of two.
well this is impressive.  we're typing these things and noone close to the 
surface is feeling anything.  being multiple is so much fun (note the sarcastic
tone)

well it seems likely that our father sexually abused us and that his father may
have.  (when we were about 5 or 6 our grandparents were asked to leave a camp-
ground where they were camping because my grandfather was accused of trying
to get too familiar to one of the little girls who was camping there and that
was a stranger!!!!  after that we weren't allowed to stay there overnight but
we did before that and i don't remember anything until i'm about 5 or 6)  it's
likely that some of the times stuff happened there was more than one perp at
once.  (some of the littles are scared that "they're going to get me" and ask
our housemate not to "let them in".  something probably happened to us 
in school sometime before second grade.  and something happed with knives.

i'm sorry.
i don't know if it was ok to say all that stuff.
but i did put a spoiler warning on.
i hope it was ok.

yes i know it doesn't seem like we really know anything.  i hope y'all won't
be mad that we're here.
no.  we're being stupid y'all probably think we belong here.  just we don't
believe us and we get really scared.

somebody wants to say that there's not a we.  she's being very indignant about
it too.  stamping her foot inside my head.  but i suppose that's not possible
we're just weird.

lots of my inside people really scare me.  there are some really angry ones and
some really violent ones and at least a couple who want to hurt themselves 
physically and would rather not be alive.

we're really really scared and we think we should go away.
i'm sorry i bothered you.
i'm sorry for being so stupid and thinking i don't belong and y'all won't 
accept me.
we keep wanting to apolozize more but we shouldn't so we'll go away.
i hope i didn't say too much that i shouldn't have said.
please don't be mad.

peace be with you all,
e-hugs to all who want them and/or think they might help,
moondreamer etc.

p.s. i really do respect the strength and caring and courage and healing i see
here.

we're really going now.
sorry this was soo long.



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