From: jester@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Jester)
Subject: Life Of Brian Script
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 16:02:09 GMT

******************************************************
************** THE LIFE OF BRIAN SCRYPT **************
**************     aka Briag Skrypt     **************
******************************************************
**************       version 1.00       **************
******************************************************
************** Painfully Tanscribed by  **************
**************  sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie   **************
**************        aka Noims         **************
******************************************************
**************      Totally exact       **************
**************    (as far as I know)    **************
******************************************************
**************      )C( Copywrong       **************
**************   Late at night, 1992    **************
******************************************************

  Firstly, a note on the format. If you think this is part of the film, you
don't deserve to even read this... go see it again/first. 
  All stuff in the left 8 Chars are peeps names. I've made up names for some
of them, so don't think they're real or anything.
  All stuff in square brackets (ie. []) are actions.
  All stuff in curly brackets (ie. {}) are my own comments.
  All other stuff is speach (so whoopie fuckin' doo!!!)
  All spelling mistakes are on purpose, wheather I know about them or not.
  All mistakes are also known by me, and were included to test you raders.
  All grammar mistakes (esp. in languages other than Merlinese (see below)
are also more difficult tests.
  All above and below conditions assume the reader is literate.
  Any corrections should be mailed to me or my next of kin (depending on my 
current state of decay).
  No poofters!
  Thanx are due only to Alexis Donnelly, Vinny Cahill, and Brendan Tangney
for providing a good reason for me to finish this (ie. the alternative is
work).
  I suppose I should thank a Mr. M. Python for providing the original words.
  Mhol na daoine Bu/bo/nach o/n Ifreann ce/ maith Gne/as le Lacha.
  This was written solely on an Acorn Archimedes, coz the alternatives were 
a TRS-80, and a <spit> PC <spit>.
  Send any lawsuits to Bruce@philosophy.walamaloo.au!!! 
  Eat and enjoy, citizen.

NB/ Mail me corrections, with the title: "Briag (v1) corexions", and include
   only the orrected line , and its position in the film (ie. tell me wot
   scene it's from.) If there's lots of corrections in one place, mail me the
   entire corrected version, orroit? Any substantial corrections wll be
   credited in Briag V1.1

*****************************************************************************

--------[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and
         (you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes
         to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this
         village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they
         dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman
         (MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a
         new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The
         men approach, still un-noticed until they are quite close to MC
         where they stop.]
--------[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard] 

WM1     Ahem
MC      Waaah!
--------[MC falls off her seat in surprise]
        Who are you?
WM1     We are 3 wise men
MC      What?
WM2     We are 3 wise men
MC      Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in 
        the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WM3     We are astrologers. 
WM1     We have come from the east.
MC2     Is this some kind of joke?
WM1     We wish to praise the infant.
WM      We must pay homage to him.
MC      Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting
        in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.
--------[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all
         the same.] 
WM1     Nono, we must see him.
MC      Go and praise someone elses brat. Go on.
WM1     We, we were led by a star.
MC      Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.
WM1     But we must see him, we have brought presents.
MC      Out.
WM1     Gold, frankincence, mhyrr.
--------[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well,
         wouldn't you?]
MC      Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit
        of a mess. Well, what is mhyrr anyway?
WM1     It is a valuable balm.
MC      A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.
WM1     What?
MC      That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
WM1     No it isn't.
MC      Yes it is, it's great big <mm>
--------[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big <mm>]
WM3     Nonono, it is an ointment
MC      Awww. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? 
        So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?
WM2     Hmm?
MC      What star sign is he?
WM2     Uhhh. Capricorn.
MC      Uhhh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WM2     He is the son of God, our messiah. 
WM1     King of the jews
MC      So that's capricorn, is it?
WM2     Nonono, that's just him.
MC      Awww. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
WM1     By what name are you calling him?
MC      Uh. Brian.
WMen    We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you
        Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
MC      You do a lot of this then?
WM2     What?
MC      This praising.
WM2     No no, no no.
MC      Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanx a lot 
        for the gold, and frankincence, but don't worry too much about the 
        mhyrr next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't 
        they nice, hmm. 
        Out of their bloody minds, still... 
--------[The wise men ventuer outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They
         then return to MC, an dproceed to take back their presents, as she
         talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift]
        Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here!
        Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aww.
--------[To the sound of angelic musiv, we see the wise men outside where
         they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright   
         light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the
         shed with her son.]
Brian   Waaah.
MC      Shaddup
         
--------[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening
         credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe]


Brian. The babe they call Brian
He grew. Grew grew and grew,
Grew up to be, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was suddenly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they call Brian
This man called Brian!                             


--------[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure
         is standing on a mount oraculating]


        Captions:       JUDEA  A.D.33
                        SATURDAY AFTERNOON
                        ABOUT TEA TIME
Jesus   How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.
        How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth
        for their possession.
        How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail;
        They shall be satisfied...
--------[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here
         we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit,
         lucky her}]
MC      Speak up! 
Brian   Ssssh. Quiet mum.
MC      Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.
--------[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man
         (Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man
         I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become
         clear.]
Bignose Sssh.
Brian   You can go to the stoning any time.
MC      Oh come on Brian.
Bignose Will you be quiet!
Bn wife Don't pick yer nose.
Bignose I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
Bn wife You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
Bignose I wasn't.
Bn wife Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Trouble Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
Bn wife Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
Trouble Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody 
        thing.
Bignose Don't you swear at my wife.
Trouble I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, 
        Bignose.
Bnwife  Don't you call my husband Bignose.
Trouble Well he has got a big nose.
Jew     Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that?
Trouble I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.
Man     I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
Jewwife Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Jew     Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any
        manufacturers of dairy products.
Trouble See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
Bignose Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
Trouble Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the 
        bignoses.
Brian   Oh lay off him.
Trouble Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? 
        Nose city?
Bignose One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
Bn Wife Language... and don't pick your nose.                      
Bignose I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
Man2    Hear that? Blessed are the greek.
Jew     The greek?
Man2    Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
Jew     Did anyone catch his name?
bn wife You're not going to thump anybody.
Bignose I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.
Trouble Oh shut up Bignose.
Bignose Ah. Orright. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
--------[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the
         real story.]
Bnwife  Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice innit. 
        I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Trouble Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
Bignose Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time
        I've finished with you.
Man     Sssssh.
Trouble Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
Bignose Oh. Right. That's your last warning
Jewwife Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly get hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH!
--------[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the
         area]
MC      Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.
Brian   All right.
--------[Brian notices a group of people in balck walking by him, including a
         rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
Francis Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the 
        status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.
Reg     Yeah, well what Jesus blaitently fails to appreciate is it's the meek
        who are the problem.
Judith  Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see.
MC      Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.
Brian   All right.
Trouble Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They
        shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big
        nose's fault... he started it all.



--------[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep)
         selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MC      Oh I hate wearing these beards.
Brian   Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?
MC      It's written. That's why.
Shopkep Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening 
                             his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]
Woman   Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well 
        again.
Donkey  Hee haw, hee haw.
Shopkep Stone, sir?
MC      Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.
Shopkep Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's
        craftsmanship sir.
MC      Hmmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.
Brian   Can I have a flat one mum?
MC      Ssssh. 
Brian   Sorry, dad.
MC      Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
Shopkep Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MC      Yeah?                                                 
Shopkep Local boy.
MC      Oh. Good.
Shopkep Enjoy yourselves.


--------[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large
         number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to
         get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd
         consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in
         front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the
         crowd to settle down.]
Elder   Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
Mathias [to a guard] Do I say yes?
Guard   Yes.
Mathias [To the elder] Yes.
Elder   You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering
        the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...
Crowd   Ooooh.
Elder   ...you are to be stoned
        to death.
--------[The crowd look anxious to kill Mathias]
Mathias Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That
        piece of hallibut was good enough for Jehovah'.
Crowd   Oooooooh!
Elder   BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again
Crowd   Yes, yes. <etc>
Elder   Did you hear him?
Crowd   Yes, yes. <etc>
Woman1  Really.
--------[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the
         woman's voice.]
Elder   Are there any women here today?
Crowd   [Guiltily] <mumble mumble>
Elder   Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
--------[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits mathias on
         the head.]
Mathias Oh lay off... we haven't started yet.
Elder   Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
Crowd   She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did.
        [Their voices drop as they realise their mistake.]
Woman1  Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.}
Elder   Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we?
Mathias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphey, just saying Jehovah.
Crowd   [Shocked] He said it again!
Edler   You're only making it worse for yourself.
Mathias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
Crowd   Ooooooh!
Elder   I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more...
        [A stone flys by and hits the elder.]
        Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?
Crowd   She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him.
Elder   Was it you?
Woman2  Yes.
Elder   Right...
Woman2  Well you did say Jehovah.
        [She gets stoned {the blasphemer}]
Elder   Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to
        stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and
        I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.
--------[The skocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping
         of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]
Woman3  Good shot.
--------[One of the two roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head.
         They do nothing.]
                                                                   

--------[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk
         home]
Brian   Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MC      Oh stop thinking about sex.
Brian   I wasn't.
MC      You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls
        like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?


--------[A number of beggars sit by the side of the raod begging. All seem
         sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading
         for money from a man riding a donkey.]]
Beggar1 Spare a sheckle...
Beggar2 God bless you, sir.
Leper1  Alms for a leper.
Leper2  Alms for a leper.
X-leper Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they.
        Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.
--------[Brian and his mum walk along the street.]
        Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC      Buzz off.
X-leper [Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC      A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
X-leper Half a talent then.
MC      Now go away.
X-leper Come on, bignose. Let's haggle.
Brian   What?
X-leper All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start
        at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.
Brian   No.
X-leper Seventeen-fifty? 
MC      Go away.
X-leper Seventeen-fourty.
MC      Look. Will you leave him alone.
X-leper All right... two sheckles. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MC      Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.
X-leper All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper.
Brian   Did you say EX-leper?
X-leper That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Brian   Well what happened?
X-leper Oh, cured sir.
Brian   Cured?
X-leper Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.
Brian   Well who cured you?
X-leper Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of
        a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
        next minute my livlehood's gone, not so much as a buy your leave... 
        You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.
Brian   Well why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again.
X-leper Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What
        I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit 
        lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something 
        beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, 
        excuse my french sir, but...
MC      Brian. Come and clean your room out.
Brian   There you are.
X-leper Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story?
Brian   There's no pleasing some people.
X-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir. 
--------[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road]


--------[Brian and MC enter their home to find a roman officer sitting down
         inside]
MC      Oh.
Officer Good afternoon.
MC      Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all 
        right dear?
Brian   What's he doing here?
MC      Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
Brian   Bloody romans.
MC      Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and 
        don't you forget it.
Brian   We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
MC      Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian?
Brian   What do you mean?
MC      Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...
Brian   My nose?
MC      Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
Brian   What is it?
MC      Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, 
        Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian   I never thought he was...
MC      Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in
        the Roman army.
Brian   You mean... you were raped?
MC      Aw, at first, yes.
Brian   Who was he?
MC      Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he 
        did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses
        milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me, 
        and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aquaduct.
Brian   The bastard.
MC      Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody romans, don't forget
        you're one of them.
Brian   [In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.]
        I'm not a roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a 
        heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and
        proud of it.
MC      Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are 
        you then, officer? 
--------[She then kneels down as the officer stands.]
--------{Hmmmm. I wonder how she earns her living...}



        Caption:        THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
                        CHILDREN'S MATINEE
Voice   Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath -
        The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser.
--------[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away
         a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the
         finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm
         into her robes.]
Brian   [Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}]
        Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes.
        Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. 
        Dromedary prezels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.
--------[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organisation the PFJ. On
         a higherstep sit (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below
         them sits Judith.]
Judith  I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must
        reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.
Reg     Agreed. Francis?
Francis Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the
        movement never forgets that it is the inaliable right of every man...
Stan    Or woman.
Francis ...or woman. To rid himself...
Stan    Or herself.
Francis ...or herself.
Reg     Agreed.
Francis Thank you brother.
Stan    Or sister.
Francis ...or sister. Where was I?
Reg     I think you'd finished.
Francis Oh, right.
Reg     Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
Stan    Or woman.
Reg     Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
Stan    Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan    I want to be one.
Reg     What?
Stan    I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me 
        Loretta.
--------[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comly with his
         request.]
Reg     What???
Loretta It's my right as a man.
Judith  Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta I want to have babies.
Reg     You want to have babies?
Loretta It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg     But you can't have babies.
Loretta Don't you oppress me.
Reg     I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the 
        foetis going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
--------[Loretta starts crying.]
Judith  Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
        babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the
        Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
--------[This seems to satisfy him.]
Francis Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to 
        have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg     What's the point?
Francis What?
Reg     What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he
        can't have babies?
Francis It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg     Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
         
                     
--------[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately
         crawls back.]
Guard?  Get out there. Get out there.
Boris   It's um... It's dangerous ot there. Ahahh. Oh.
--------[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is
         carryng a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away
         from his opponant, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by
         an armoured arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.]
Crowd   Aaah. Oh no. <etc>
Viewer  What a load of rubbish.
Brian   [He approaching the PFJ with his tray of food.]
        Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens.
Reg     You got any nuts?
Brian   Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's 
        spleens.
Reg     No, no, no.
Brian   Otter's noses?
Reg     I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.
Judith  Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian   Proper food?
Reg     Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits.
Brian   Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
Reg     All right. Bag of otter's noses then.
Francis Make it two.
Reg     Two.
--------[Brian hands them two bags.]
Francis Thanks, Reg.
Brian   Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg     Fuck off.
Brian   What?
Reg     Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean 
        People's front, caw.
Francis Wankers.
Brian   Can I join your group?
Reg     No. Piss off.
Brian   I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans 
        as much as anybody.
PFJ     Sssh. Ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh
Judith  Are you sure?
Brian   Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.
Reg     Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really 
        hate the Romans.
Brian   I do.
Reg     Oh yeah? How much?
Brian   A lot!
Reg     Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the 
        Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
PFJ     Yeah
Judith  Splitters.
Francis And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.
PFJ     Oh yeah. Splitters.
Loretta And the peoples Front of Judea.
PFJ     Splitters.
Reg     What?
Loretta The Peoples front of Judea. Splitters.
Reg     We're the Peoples front of Judea.
Loretta Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg     Peoples Front.
Francis Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg     He's over there.
--------[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
--------{Some POPULAR front, eh?}
PFJ     [To the old man.]  SPLITTER!
Goliath <pant> <pant> Oh. Ooh. Ooh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac
        arrest.
--------[He falls dead.]
Roman   Absolutely dreadful. Humph.
--------[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what
         he thinks of them.]
Crown   Yay. <etc>
Reg     Brother. Haha. What's your name?
Brian   Brian. Brian Cohen.
Reg     We may have a little job for you, Brian.  
  


--------[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting
         something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman
         guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian (Cntrian) who
         reads his writing.]
Cntrian What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go
        the house?
Brian   It, it says 'Romans go home'.
Cntrian No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
Brian   aaah.
Cntrian Come on.
Brian   Ah! Romanus?
Cntrian Goes like?
Brian   Annus?
Cntrian Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
Brian   Anni?
Cntrian Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.]
        Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian   Go.
Cntrian Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
Brian   Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Cntrian So eunt is?
Brian   Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
Cntrian But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
--------[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
Brian   The imperative.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian   Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
Cntrian How many Romans?
Brian   Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
Cntrian Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.]
        Domus? Nomonative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian   Dative, sir. 
--------[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.]
        Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh.
        The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
Cntrian Except that 'domus' takes the?
Brian   The locative, sir.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian   Domum. Aaah! ah.
--------[Again, the writing is ammended.]
Cntrian Domum... um... Understand?
Brian   Yes, sir.
Cntrian Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian   Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser, sir.
Cntrian Hail Caeser. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls 
        off.
Brian   Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser and everything, sir.
        Oh. Mmm!
--------[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentrys behind to guard him.]


--------[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian ahs written the slogan all over the front
         of the palace.]
Brian   Finished!
--------[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points
        his spear threatiningly at Brian, and speaks.] 
Sentry  Right. Now don't do it again.
--------[The two walk off as Brian admires his handywork. Unfortunately, 
         another group of guards come along, and realise whah has been
         written. Brian realises, and runs. They give chase, careless of the
         citizens] 

Man     Hey! Bloody Romans.
--------[Just as Brian starts to dispair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over 
        his mouth, and drags him backwards nto an alcove. When he is released
        he recognises his saviour through the darkness... Judith.]




--------[In the PFJ's official HQ, francis stands pointing at a plan of
         Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other
         members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colloseum.]
Francis We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through
        into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is
        here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our
        custardy, and forthwith, issue our demends. Any questions?
--------{Spot the dancing catepillars}
Rebel1  What exactly are the demands?
Reg     We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of
        the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, 
        we execute her.
Mathias Cut her head off?
Francis Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show
        them we're not to be trifled with.
Reg     And of course, we point out that they bear full responsability when
        we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail.
--------[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to
         their foreheads.]
PFJ     No Blackmail!!
Reg     They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
        And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' 
        fathers.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg     Yeah.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg     Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever
        given us in return?
Rebel2  The aquaduct?
Reg     What?
Rebel2  The aquaduct.
Reg     Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Rebel3  And sanitation.
Loretta Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Reg     Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aquaduct , the santation are two
        things the Romans have done...
Mathias And the roads.
Reg     Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, 
        don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aquaduct, and the
        roads...
Rebel4  Irrigation.
Rebel2  Medcine.
Rebel5  Education.
Reg     Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...
Rebel1  And the wine.
Rebels  Oh, yeah <mumbled agreement>
Francis Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg,  if the
        Romans left, huh.
Rebel6  Public baths.
Loretta And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg.
Francis Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only
        ones who could in a place like this.
PFJ     Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh.
Reg     All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medecine, education,
        wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and
        public health... What have the Romans ever done for us?
Rebel2  Brought peace?
Reg     Oh, peace. Shaddup.

--------[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide
         wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in
         a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and 
         ambles over to the door.]
Mathias I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.
--------[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
Judith  It's all right, Mathias.
Mathias It's all clear.
--------[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
Judith  Well where's Reg?
Francis Oh Reg. Reg, Judith.
Reg     What went wrong?
Judith  The first blow has been struck.
Reg     Did he finish the slogan?
Judith  A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the
        palace.
Reg     Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before
        you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly
        suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Rebel   Uh.. well one.
Reg     Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with
        us?
Brian   Yes.                                           
--------[Again the PFJ slaute, and Brian copies the movement.]
Reg     From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him
        about the raid on pilate's palace, Francis.
Francis Right. This is the plan...

                                                              
--------[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis
         dictates the plan.]
Francis Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will 
        approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to 
        the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers
        on our way to a conferance. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder
        of the PFJ will be co-ordinating consutant at the drain head, though
        he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has
        a bad back.                                
--------[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
Brian   Aren't you going to come with us?
Reg     Solidarity, brother.
Brian   Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg.
Francis Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman
        feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear 
        your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus
        memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault
        This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those 
        weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers.
        This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop. 
Chisel  <chink> <thuk> <thuk> <thuk>
--------[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which
         all the PFJ emerge.]

Hearts  <thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump>
--------[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels...
         the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other
         side.]
CFG 1   Sssh.
CFG 2   Sssh.
--------[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused
         moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh
         accent.]
CFGHead Campaign for Free Galilee.
PFJHead Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.
CFGHead Oh.
PFJHead What's your group doing here?
CFGHead We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
PFJHead So are we.
CFGHead What?
PFJHead That's our plan.
CFGHead We were here first.
PFJHead What do you mean?
CFGHead We thougt of it first.
PFJ Man Oh yeah?
CFGHead Yes. A couple of years ago.
PFJ     Oh, yeahehehe.
CFG Man He did!
PFJHead Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?
CFGHead 'Course we have.
PFJHead What are they?
CFGHead Well I'm not telling you.
PFJ men <growl> yeah.
PFJHead Oh come on. Pull the other one.
CFGHead That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
Various Ssssh.
PFJHead Did not.
CFGHead We did.
PFJ     You did not.
CFG     We bloody did!
Various Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.
CFGHead You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
PFJHead Well tought titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW!
--------[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
Brian   Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together.
PFJHead We are!
Brian   We musn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the
        common enemy.
All     The Judean People's front!!!
Brian   No. No. The Romans!
All     Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
Someone Yeah. He's right.
--------[Two Roman guards approach slowly.] 
Other1  Look out!
CFGHead Right. Where were we?
PFJHead Uh. You were going to punch me.
CFGHead Oh yeah.
--------[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all
         members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other.
         They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
Brian   Brothers!!! Oof!


--------[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the
         palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
Jailer  [Throwing Brian into a cell]
        He he he. <spit>
Brian   Aah.
Jailer  Heh heh he. <cough>
--------[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
Prisonr You lucky bastard. 
Brian   Who's that?
--------[As brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a
         white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
Prisner You lucky lucky bastard.
Brian   What?
Prisonr Proper little jailers pet, aren't we?
Brian   What do you mean?
Prisonr You must have slipped him a few sheckles, eh?
Brian   Slipped him a few sheckles? You saw him spit in my face.
Prisonr Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang
        awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian   Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! 
Prisonr Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put
        in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines
        out of your arse, sonny.
Brian   Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
Prisonr YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me
        up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...
Brian   All right, all right.
Prisonr They must think you're lord God almighty.
Brian   What will they do to me?
Prisonr Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian   Crucifixion??!!!!!
Prisonr Yeah. First offence.
Brian   Get away with crucifixion? It's...
Prisonr Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian   WHAT?!!!
Prisonr Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right
        bloody mess!
Brian   Guard!
Prisonr Nail 'em up, I say!
Brian   Guard!
Prisonr Nail some sense into them!
--------[The Jailer once again comes to the door.]
Jailer  Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant?
Brian   I want you to move me to another cell.
Jailer  Ha! <spit>
Brian   Aaaah.
Prisonr Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism.
Jailer  Shaddup, you.
Prisonr Sorry.
Jailer  [Walking away.]
        Ugh.
Prisonr Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, 
        they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again.
        which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing
        else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that 
        you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do 
        a fair days work for a fair day's...
Brian   Oh, shut up!!!
Jailer  Uuuuh.
Cntrian Pilate wants to see you.
Brian   Me? 
Cntrian Come on!
Brian   Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Cntrian I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified.
Prisner Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it.
Cntrian Shut up.
Prisner Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 


--------[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there
         are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently
         the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer (Designr) stands
         talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and
         in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3,
         and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various
         others.]
Designr <murmer> <murmer> with one large feeding area here.
Cntrian Hail Caesar.
Pilate  Hail.
Cntrian Only one survivor, Sir.
Pilate  Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian What Sir?
Pilate  Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown th the floor.]
Brian   Aaah.
Pilate  Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian   Brian, sir.
Pilate  Bwian, eh?
Brian   Nono. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.] 
        Aaah.
Pilate  Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Cntrian Has what, sir?
Pilate  Spiwit.
Cntrian Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate  Nono, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Cntrian Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.
Pilate  So. You dare to waid us.
Brian   To what sir?
Pilate  Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--------[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
Brian   Waah!
Cntrian Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?
Pilate  What?
Cntrian Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?
Pilate  Oh, yes.  Thwow him to the floor please.
--------[I won't even bother saying it...]
Brian   Aaah!
Pilate  Now, Jewith wapscallion.
Brian   I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate  A Wowman?
Brian   Nono, Roman. [<WHAP>] Aah!
Pilate  So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he?
Brian   He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison sir.
Pilate  Weally?  What was his name?
Brian   Naughtius Maximus.
Cntrian Wohahahaha!
Pilate  Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Cntrian Well no, sir.
Pilate  Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?
Cntrian Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius
        Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir.
Guard1  <snigger>
Pilate  What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Cntrian Well it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate  I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Guard1  <Snigger>
Pilate  Silence!  What is all this insolence?  You will find yourself in
        gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian   Can I go now sir? [<WHAP>] Aaaagh!
Pilate  Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Guard1  <snigger>
Pilate  Wight! Take him away.
Cntrian Oh sir, he uh....
Pilate  No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
Cntrian Yes, sir. Come on you.
Guard1  Hahaha. Hoohoohoo.
Pilate  I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
        Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend 
        Biggus ...Dickus.
Guard4  Huhuhu.
--------[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]
Pilate  What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus
Guard2  Parp.
Pilate  ... Dickus?
Guard3  <snigger>
--------[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]
Pilate  He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called
        Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
--------[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
        Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel 
        sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards?
        You're not...
--------[Bwian, sorry Brian siezes his chance, and scarpers.] 
        Sieze him! Sieze him! Blow your noses and sieze him!


--------[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A
         Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He
         drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.]
         {BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet
          later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's
          hammer...)}
Builder Hmmm? Oh. <whistle> <whistle>. 
        [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction]
        Sorry.
--------[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it
         stops, so he doesn't.]
Brian   Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
--------[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing
         by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall
         into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers,
         it must have been a million-to-one chance!}]
Alien1  Azzz.
Alien2  Rozak chabba.
--------[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.] 
         ship starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi
         crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.] 
         
Siren   Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.
Alien1  Aaaagh. Ghrote.

--------[A large cirgular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at
         them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an
         asteroid, and heads bach for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall.
         They crash at the base of the unfinnished tower and Brian walks away
         uscathed. Well, wouldn't you?]
Witness Ooh, you lucky bastard.


--------[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs.
         He come to a place where there are a number of profits standing on
         pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) profit, covered
         in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.]
Dirty   And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with
        the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride
        forth on a grey headed serpant, and throughout the lands there shall
        be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah.
--------{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?}
        [Next comes a profit with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian 
         Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.]
N.Irish And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two,
        or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched 
        sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on
        the head;                                      
--------[Finally, we come to a profit I have seen called the 'Boring' profit,
         but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into
         account his knowlege of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the
         Accurate profit (Acurate).]
Acurate ... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of
        things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to
        where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth
        those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an
        attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer,
        and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by
        their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night 
        before, about eight O'clock.
--------[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.]
other   Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time...


--------[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of
         disguising himself. He spots a Beard selling stand, and heads for it
         There, he meet a Merchant (Merchnt), and picks up a fake beard.]
Brian   How much?  Quick!
Merchnt What?
Brian   It's for the wife.
Merchnt Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels.
Brian   Right.
Merchnt What?
Brian   There you are.
Merchnt Wait a minute.
Brian   What?
Merchnt Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle.
Brian   No, no, I've got to get...
Merchnt What do you mean, no no no?
Brian   I haven't time, I've got ...
Merchnt Well give it back then.
Brian   No, no, no I paid you.
Merchnt Burt!
--------[A large man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.]
Burt    Yeah?
Merchnt This bloke won't haggle.
Burt    Won't haggle???
Brian   All right... do we have to?
--------[Burt disappears.]
Merchnt Now look. I want twenty for that.
Brian   I, I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
Brian   No.
Merchnt Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
Brian   All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
Merchnt No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
Brian   What?
Merchnt Haggle properly.  This isn't worth nineteen.
Brian   But you just said it was worth twenty.
Merchnt Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle.
Brian   All right, I'll give you ten.
Merchnt That's more like it.
        Ten!?  Are you trying to insult me?  Me?  With a poor dying
        grandmother...Ten!?!
Brian   All right, I'll give you Eleven.
Merchnt Now you're getting it.  Eleven!?!  Did I hear you right?  Eleven? 
        This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?
Brian   Seventeen.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
Brian   Eighteen?
Merchnt No, no,.  You go to fourteen now.
Brian   All right, I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt Fourteen, are you joking?
Brian   That's what you told me to say.
Merchnt Oh dear.
Brian   Oh Tell me what to say. Please.
Merchnt Offer me fourteen.
Brian   I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian   Fifteen.
Merchnt Seventeen.  My last word.  I won't take a penny less, or strike me
        dead.
Brian   Sixteen.
Merchnt Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in 
        this as well.
        [Hands Brian the Gourd.]
Brian   I don't want it, but thanks.
Merchnt Burt!
Burt    Yeah?
Brian   All right, all right, all right.
Merchnt Where's the sixteen you owe me?
Brian   I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then. 
Brian   No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine.
Merchnt No, I've got it here somewhere.
Brian   It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
Merchnt Four for this gourd? Four!!!!  Look at it, that's worth ten if it's
        worth a shekel.
Brian   But you just gave it to me for nothing.
Merchnt Yes, but it's worth ten.
Brian   All right, all right.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for
        that, you must be mad!
        [He notices Brian running.]
Merchnt Ah, well. <snif>. There's one born every minute.

--------[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, thy are reading a list of the
         ex-rebels who went on the raid.]
Reg     Daniel.
Loretta Daniel.
Rebel   Job.
Reg     Job.
Loretta Job.
Rebel   Joshua.
Reg     Joshua.
Loretta Joshua.
Rebel   Judges.
Reg     Judges.
Loretta Judges.
Rebel   and Brian.
Reg     and Brian.
Loretta Brian.
Reg     I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in
        the minutes as probationary martys to the cause.
Loretta I second that, Reg.
Reg     Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. 
        Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this
        is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in 
        a...
Mathias Look out!
--------[Brian walks in still wearing his beard, and uncovers the others in
         their hiding places.]
Brian   Hello? Mathias? Reg.
Reg     Go away!
Brian   Hmm? Reg. It's me, Brian.
Reg     Get off! Get off, out of it!
Brian   Stan.
Loretta Piss off.
Rebel1  Yeah... piss off.
Rebel2  Bugger off.
--------[There is a loud knocking at the door.]
Reg     Oh, shit!!!
Mathias Coming.
--------[Mathias signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but
         it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he
         can see the accurate prophet from two scenes ago.]
Acurate Yea verily at that time, it is written in the book of Issiah that a 
        man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey.
Mathias [Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
--------[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own
         Centurian.]
Cntrian Are you Mathias?
Mathias Yes.
Cntrian We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
        a member of the terrorist organisation: the People's Front of Judea.
Mathias Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My
        legs are grey, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent.
Cntrian Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!
--------[The rest of of the legion march quickly into the house.]
        You know the penalty layed down by Roman law for harbouring a known
        criminal?
Mathias No.
Cntrian Crucfiction.
Mathias Oh.
Cntrian Nasty, eh?
Mathias Hm. Could be worse.
Cntrian What do you mean 'could be worse'?
Mathias Well, you could be stabbed.
Cntrian Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 
        'orrible death.
Mathias Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air.
Cntrian You're weird!
--------[The guards march back out.]
Sergent No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
Cntrian But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo.
        [He walks away.]
Mathias Big-nose.
Cntrian Watch it!
Mathias Phew. That was lucky.
--------[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.]
Brian   I'm sorry, Reg.
Reg     Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth
        legion straight to our offial headquarters. Well, that's all right
        then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU 
        KLUTZ!!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed...
--------[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.]
Mathias My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Cntrian There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
--------[The guards march back in. Some of Mathias' rabling is obscured by
         the marching.]
Mathias I'm just a poor old man....<mumble>....my eyes are poor, my nose is
        knackered.
Cntrian Have you ever seen anyone cucified?
Mathias Crucifixion's a doddle.
Cntrian Don't keep saying that.
--------[The guards march out again, the sergent holding the wooden spoon
         used by Francis earlier.]
Sergent Found this spoon, sir.
Cntrian Well done, sergent. We'll be back... oddball.
--------[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.]
        Open up!
Mathias You haven't given us time to hide.


--------[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival,
         and Brian falls on thop of the accurate prophet.]
Brian   Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Acurate ... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Wooooooah!
--------[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian
         is left standing there.] 
Croud   <clap> <clap> <clap> <clap>
--------[The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at
         Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.]
N.Irish ... a nine bladed sword which he shall strike...
Black   ... the jumbo jets which shall flyy up to the...
--------[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be
         seen as an imposter.He start speaking to his audience.]
--------[Pasr-By : A man in grey who happens to be in the area. 
         Begger  : An old Begger sitting on the podium beside Brian.
         Hekelr1 : A Woman holding a baby.
         Hekelr2 : A man in a turban.
         Hekelr3 : A man in a turabn with a beard and moustaches.]
Brian   Don't uh, pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged
        yourself.
Pasr-By What?
Brian   I said don't pass judgement on other people, or else You might get 
        judged too.
Pasr-By Who, Me?
Brian   Yes.
Pasr-By Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.
Brian   Well, not just you. All of you.
Begger  That's a nice gourd.
Brian   What?
Begger  How much do you want for the gourd?
Brian   I don't. You can have it.
Begger  Have it?
Brian   Yes. Consider the lillies...
Begger  Don't you want to haggle?
Brian   No... in the fields.        
Begger  What's wrong with it then?
Brian   Nothing. Take it.
Hekler1 Consider the lillies?
Brian   Uh, well, the birds then.
Hekler2 What birds?
Brian   Any birds.
Hekler2 Why?
Brian   Well, have they got jobs?
Hekler3 Who?
Brian   The birds.
Hekler2 Have the birds got jobs?!?
--------[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.]
Hekler5 What's the matter with him?
Hekler3 He says the birds are scrounging.
Brian   Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they?
Hekler5 Well good luck to 'em.
Hekler2 Yeah. They're very pretty. 
Brian   O.K. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are
        you worrying about? There you are, See?
Hekler2 I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.
Brian   I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lillies.
Hekler3 He's having a go at the flowers now!
Hekler2 Oh, give the flowers a chance.
Begger  I'll give you one for it.
Brian   It's yours.
Begger  Two.
Brian   Look, there was this man, and he had two servants...
Hekler3 What were they called?
Brian   What?
Hekler3 What were their names?
Brian   I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
Hekler2 You don't know?!?
Brian   Well it doesn't matter.
Hekler3 He doesn't know what they were called.
Brian   Oh, they were called Noims, and Adrian, now...
Hekler3 Oh! You said you didn't know!
Brian   It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants.
Hekler3 He's making it up as he goes along!
Brian   No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there
        three?
Hekler2 Oh, he's terrible!
Hekler3 Rsprrrrr!
Brian   There were three, there were two or three!
Hekler1 Ah, get off!          
--------[Just as is gets worst, along comes the Roman legion wh have by now
         finished searching Mathias' house.]
Brian   OH!!! Eh, Uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now Hear This! Blessed are they...
Begger  Three.
Brian   ... who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their  
        girth. 
HeklerX Rubbish!
Brian   And to them only shall be given... to them only... shall. Be. Given.
--------[The Romans pass.]
 
-------- [From this moment on, it is decreed that all hecklers shall become 
          followers (folowrs) of Brian. The hecklers keeping their numbers.]

Folowr1 What?
Brian   Hmm?
Folowr1 Shall be given what?
Brian   Oh, Nothing.
Folowr1 What were you going to say?
Brian   Nothing.
Folowrs Yes you were.
Folowr1 Yes, you were going to say something.
Brian   No I wasn't. I'd finished.
Folowr1 Oh no you weren't.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us before you go.
Brian   I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.
Folowr1 No you hadn't.
BlindMn What won't he tell?
Folowr2 He won't say.
BlindMn Is it a secret?
Brian   No.
BlindMn Is it?
Folowr2 Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us the secret.
Brian   Leave me alone.
Folowr2 What is the secret?                 
--------[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.]
Folowr4 Is it the secret of eternal life?
Folowr2 He won't say!
Folowr3 Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't
        say.
Brian   Leave me alone.
Folowr4 Just tell me, please!
Folowr3 No, tell us, master. We were here first.
Folowr4 Tell us. Tell us, master.
Begger  Five.
Brian   Oh, go away.
Begger  I can't go above five.
Folowr4 Is that His gourd?
Begger  Yes, but it's under offer.
Folowr4 This is His gourd!
Begger  Ten!
Folowr4 It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master?
Folowr2 He's gone! He's been taken up!
Folowr4 <gasp>
Folowrs He's been taken up!!!
Begger  Eighteen!
Folowr3 No. There he is. Over there.
Folowr  Oh, yeah.



--------[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes (or is it a sandal?)
         falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.]
Folowr3 He has given us a sign!
Folowr5 He has given us... a shoe!
Folowr3 The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.
Spike   What?
Folowr3 Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot
        for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Folowr2 Yes.
Folowr5 No no no.
Folowr2 No.
Folowr5 The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle.
Folowr4 Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd.
Spike   What?
Folowr5 No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me...
Folowr4 Get off!
Folowr2 No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of
        the body, but of the face, and head.
Folowr5 Give me your shoe.
Folowr2 Get off!
Folowr4 Follow the gourd. The holy gourd of Jerusalem.
Folowr  The gourd!
Folowr6 Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us.
Folowr3 It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
Folowr6 It is a sandal!
Folowr3 No, it is a shoe!
Folowr4 Cast it away!
Folowr5 Put it on!
Folowr2 Clear off!
Folowr5 Take the shoes and follow him!
Folowr4 All ye...<summat>... follow the gourdie [?!?]
--------[One man is left behind. He deserves his real name, I think. He
         doesn't realise that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.]
Spike   No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like
        the seed to the grain.
--------[He then realises he's alone, so he walks off, embarrased.]


--------[Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the
         countryside.]
Folowrs MASTER!!! MASTER!!!
Goats   <maaah>


--------[Brian comes upon a hole {Hmmmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty
         person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop
         that!}]
Brian   Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the 
        river?
Hermit  Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
Brian   Please please help me. I've got to get...
--------[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.]
Hermit  Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.]  OH my foot!!! Oh!
Brian   Ssssh.
Hermit  Oh, Damn, damn, damn!
Brian   I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit  Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it!
Brian   I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit  Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Sssh
        me!
Brian   What?
Hermit  I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable
        articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian   Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?
Hermit  Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in
        the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my
        name out! 
Brian   Sssssh.
--------[He starts getng happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to
         stop him.]
Hermit  Oh, I'm alive! I'm father Gila. I'm father Gila. I'm father Gaaaagh!
        Oh I'm alive, I'm alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I'm aligggh! Get
        off. I'm alive! I'm father Gila, I'm father and I'm. <      >!!!
        [He sees everyone.] 

--------[They see him, and run over to the hole.]
Folowrs Master! Master!
Folowr5 The master!
Folowr  He is here!
folowr  The shoe...
Folowrs <various ramblings>
Folowr3 Speak!
Folowrs Sssssh.
Folowr3 Speak to us master, speak to us.
Brian   Go away!
Folowrs A blessing! A blessing!
Folowr3 How shall we go away, master?
Brian   Oh, just go away. Leave me alone!
Folowr5 Give us a sign!
Folowr3 He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place!
Brian   I didn't bring you here, you just followed me.
Folowr5 Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
Folowr3 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They  are 
        weary, and have not eaten.
Brian   It's not my fault they haven't eaten.
Folowr3 There is no food in this high mountain.
Brian   Well what about the juniper bushes over there.
Folowrs <Gasp!> A miracle! A miracle!
--------[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.]
Folowr5 He has made the bush fruitful by His word.
Folowr2 They have brought forth juniper berries!
Brian   Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper 
        bushes! What do you expect?
Folowr1 Show us another miracle!
Folowr3 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper
        bushes enough?                
Hermit  I say. Those are my juniper bushes.
Folowr3 They are a gift from God!
Hermit  They're all I've bloody got to eat. 
        [He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.]
        Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you.
Folowr6 Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BlindMn I am healed! The master has healed me!
Brian   I didn't touch him!
BlindMn I was blind, and now I can see! Oh!
--------[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into 
         the hole. Nobody notices.]
Folowrs A miracle! A miracle!
Hermit  [After coming back to Brian.]
        Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till
        he came along.
Folowrs A miracle! He is the Messiah!
Hermit  Well he hurt my foot!
Folowrs Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine.
Folowr3 Hail, messiah.
--------[They all get down on their knees.]
Brian   I'm not the messiah.
Folowr3 I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.
Folowrs Hail messiah!
Brian   I'm not the messiah, would you please listen. I'm not the messiah, do
        you understand? Honestly!
Folowr4 Only the true messiah denies his divinity.
Brian   What? Well what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the
        messiah.
Folowrs He IS! He IS the messiah!
--------[They prostrate themselves in front of him.]
Brian   Now fuck off!
Folowr3 How shall we fuck off oh lord?
Brian   Oh just go away. Leave me alone.
Hermit  You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody 
        foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my
        juniper bushes.
Brian   Oh, lay off.
Folowr3 This is the messiah. The chosen one.
Hermit  No he's not.
Brian   Aaaagh!
Folowr3 An un-believer!
Folowrs An un-believer!
Folowr3 Persecute! Kill the heretic!
--------[They pick him up {Hey babe... what's your sign?} and carry him off.]
Folowrs Kill! Kill him! [etc...]
Brian   Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down.
        Please.
--------[One person is left behind.]
Judith  Brian?
Brian   Judith??



--------[The next day dawns over Jerusalem.]
Cock?!? Cock-a-doodle doo.
--------[Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself
         and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to
         take a good deep breath of fresh air.]
Crowd   LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN!
--------[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams
         the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough,
         his mum starts knocking at the door.]
Brian   Uuuh!
MC      Brian!
--------[He struggles to get dressed, just as MC kicks the door down.]
Brian   Uuuh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. <pant> <pant> Oooh. <pant> <pant>. Ah.
MC      Brian!
Brian   Hang on mother. Sssh.
--------[MC does her super-hero impression.]
        Hello mother.
MC      Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out
        there? 
Brian   Oh, uh. I... well, I uh...
MC      Come on. What have you been up to, my lad?
Brian   Well, I think they must have popped by for something.
MC      Popped by? Swarmed by more like. There's a multitude out there.
Brian   Um. They, they started following me yesterday.
MC      Well they can stop following you right now!
        [She walks over to the window, and addresses the crowd outside.]
        Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Crowd   THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH!
MC      The who?
Crowd   THE MESSIAH.
MC      There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah.
        Now go away.
Crowd   BRIAN! BRIAN!
MC      Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
Brian   Nothing mum, uh...
--------[She starts backing him ino a corner.]
MC      Come on. Out with it.
Brian   They think I'm the messiah, mum.
--------[<Whap>]
MC      Now what have you been telling them?
Brian   Nothing, I only...
MC      You're only making it worse for yourself.
Brian   Look, I can explain...
--------[She hits him again.]
Judith  No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen! 
--------[MC turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her,
         apparently about to explain everything to her. {I'm sure she feel a 
         whole lot more comfortable about it all now.!}]
        Your son is a born leader. those people out there are following him
        because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give
        them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future.
MC      <                     >!!!!!!!!
        Who's THAT?
Brian   Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah!
--------[As Brian gets hit again, Judih runs over to protect him. {I love
         that bit of the film *:) }]
MC      Oooooooh!
        [She goes over to the window.]
Crowd   THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE 
        MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH.
MC      Now you listen here. He's not he messiah, he's a very naughty boy! 
        now go away.
Crowd   WHO ARE YOU?
MC      I'm his mother, that's who.
Crowd   BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE MOTHER OF BRIAN.
        BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!!
MC      Aaaaahw. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not
        coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off!
Crowd   NO!
MC      Did you hear what I said?
Crowd   YES!
MC      Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?
Crowd   YES!
MC      Aaaaw, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not
        one second more. Do you understand?
Crowd   Yes.
MC      Promise?
Crowd   Well, All Right.
MC      All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
Brian   But mum. Judith.
MC      Now leave that welsh tart alone.
--------[She drags him out to address the crowd.]
Brian   But I don't really want to, mum.
Crowd   BRIAN. BRIAN <etc...>
Brian   Good Morning.
Crowd   A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING!
Brian   No, No. please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to
        say.
Crowd   TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM.
Brian   Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't Need to follow me. You don't
        Need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're
        all individuals.
Crowd   YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!
Brian   You're all different.
Crowd   YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
Folowr5 I'm not.
Crowd   Ssssh. Sssh.
Brian   You've all got to work it our for yourselves.
Crowd   YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES.
Brian   Exactly.
Crowd   TELL US MORE!
Brian   No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
--------[MC comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.]
        Otherwise... ow! no!
MC      Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough.
Crowd   OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE.
MC      Oh yes it was.
Crowd   OH NO IT WASN'T!
MC      Now stop that, and go away.
Folowr  Excuse me.
MC      Yes?
Folowr  Are you a virgin?
MC      I Beg your pardon?!?
Folowr  Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? 
MC      If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? 
        Now piss off!
Folowr  She is.
Crowd   Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely...

                                 
--------[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick 
         people (Sickos, SikMen, SikWomn ) in the next room. A Manager is
         also waiting for him.]
Sickos  <gasp>!
Manager Morning, Saviour.
--------[As he manager leads him through the room, various people approach
         him.]
SikWomn Lay your hands on here, quick.
SikMan1 Now don't jostle the chosen one, please.   
SikBaby Waaah!
Manager Don't push that baby in the saviour's face, you'll have 'till later.
Jew     I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache.
Manager You'll have to wait I'm afraid.
Jew     It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.
Manager Look, the lepers are queueing.
SikMan2 Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God.
Manager Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount
        on sunday.
MountMn Hello.
SikMan3 Don't push!
--------[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from
         all the hassle.]
Manager And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and 
        keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll 
        just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up
        against that wall, will you? 


--------[Judith come out and enthusiasticly joins him.]
Judith  Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!
Brian   [Proudly] You weren't s bad yourself.
Judith  No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.
Brian   What? Oh, that. Was it?
Judith  We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating 
        us for too long.
Brian   Well, yes.
Judith  It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
Brian   You're... very attractive.
Judith  It's Our revolution. We can all do it together.
Brian   I think, I think...
Judith  We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands.
Brian   What? No, that's not what I meant at all...
--------[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.]
Cntrian You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.
--------[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously 
         attacks the centurian.]
        Stop that.


--------[Brian is brought back to Pilates palace.]
--------{In this scene, the Centurian's true self is revealed. I LOVE HIM!!!}
Pilate  Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.
Brian   [Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [<Whap>] Aaaaah.
Pilate  This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any 
        cwucifixions today?
Guard   'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, passover sir.
Pilate  Wight. Now we have a hundred and fourty. Nice wound number, eh 
        Bigus?
--------[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he Does.]
Bigus   Hmm.
--------[The Centurian walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather
         restless crowd.]
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Pilate  Hail.
Cntrian The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to 
        disperse them please.
Pilate  Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.
Cntrian Ah, no, I know sir, but..
Pilate  My addwess is one of the high points of the passover. My fwiend, 
        Bigus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it.
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Bigus   Hail Theather.
Cntrian You're not...
        Ah, you're not eh, tinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir?
Pilate  Give it a miss?
Cntrian Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
Pilate  Weally, centurian. I'm surprised to hear a man like you wattled by a 
        wabble of wowdy webels.
Cntrian {He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.}
        Ahh bit thundery, sir.
Pilate  Take him away.
Brian   I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly.
Pilate  And cwucify him well. Bigus.
Cntrian Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir.
Pilate  Out of the way, centurian.
Bigus   Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if 
        there ith a thudden crithith.
--------[A look of dispair comes over the centurian's face. He rushes to
         their aid.]

                    
--------[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.]
Reg     Right, now, eh. item four: attainment of world supremacy within the 
        next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
Francis Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings,  I think five 
        years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the 
        next twelve months. 
Reg     Twelve months?
Francis Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the 
        big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking  
        about it.                                                           
PFJ     Hear Hear!!!
Loretta I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
PFJ     Hear Hear!!!
Reg     You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing
        resolution, making clever speaches, it's not going to shift one Roman
        soldier.
Francis So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, 
        and it's getting us nowhere.
PFJ     Right.
Loretta I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
--------[Judith runs in, paniced.] 
Judith  They've arrested Brian!!
PFJ     What?
Judith  They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him.
Reg     Right. This calls for immediate discussion.
Judith  What?!?
Rebel1  Immediate.
Rebel2  Right.
Loretta New motion?
Reg     Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate 
        action,
Francis ... ah, once the vote has been taken.
Reg     Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a 
        resolution 'till you've voted on it. 
Judith  Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please!
Reg     Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the ligh of fresh information 
        from ah, sibling Judith.
Loretta [Who's taking notes.] Ah, not so fast, Reg.
Judith  Reg, For God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is 
        to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him
        up. It's happening, Reg. Something's actually happening, Reg. Can't 
        you understand? Aaawoooooo!!!!!
        [She rushes out in a rage.]
Francis Ooh. Ooh dear.
Reg     Hello... and a litle ego-trip for the feminists.
Loretta What?
Reg     Ah, oh, sorry, loretta. Aah. Aah, read that back, would you?

                                   
--------[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up
         to them.]
Roman   Next. Crucifixion?
Prisnr1 Yes.
Roman   Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. 
        Crucifixion?
Prisnr2 Yes.
Roman   Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next.
        Crucifixion?
Trouble Eh? No, freedom.
Roman   What?
Trouble Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go
        free and live on an island somewhere.
Roman   Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.
Trouble Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
Roman   Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door...
Trouble Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the 
        left.
Roman   Line on the left, yes. Thank you.
        Crucifixion?
Prisnr3 Yes.
Roman   Good.



--------[A fanfare welcomes Pilate.]
Crowd   YAY! YAY! <etc.>
Pilate  People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.
Crwod   wahaha.
Pilate  To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a 
        wongdower fwom ow pwisons. 
Crowd   Hahahaha.
Sentry  <snigger>
--------[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.]
Pilate  Whom would you have me welease?
Man     Welease Woger!
Crowd   Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha.
Pilate  Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!
Crowd   Yay. Yay.
Cntrian Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.
Pilate  What?
Cntrian Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Pilate  Ah. We have no Woger.
Crowd   Aaaaaah.
Man     Well what about Wodewic then.
Crowd   Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC!  
Pilate  Centurain. Why do they titter so?
Cntrian Just some, uh, jewish joke, sir.
Pilate  Are they... swagging me?
Cntrian Oh, no, sir!
Sentry  <snigger!>
Pilate  Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic!
Crowd   Waaahahahaha.
Cntrian Sir, we don't have a Roderic either.
Pilate  No Woger, no Wodewic.
Cntrian Sorry, sir.
Pilate  Who is the Wog...
        Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer?
Man1    He's a wobber.
Crowd   Ahhhhahahah.
Man2    ... and a wapist.
Crowd   Ahahahhahah!
Woman   ... and a pickpocket!
Crowd   Aaah no. ssssssh.
Pilate  He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Cntrian We haven't got him, sir.
Pilate  Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?
Cntrian Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.
Pilate  Samson?
Cntrian Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. 
        Ah, several sadicious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty seven seers 
        from...
Bigus   Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth.
Cntrian Oh, no.
Pilate  Ah. Good idea, Bigus.
Bigus   Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the  Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the
        Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea...


--------[Back in the prisons.]
--------{OK. So I've been totally accurate so far... NOT for Jailer2!!!}
Roman   Next. Ah. Crucifixion?
Prisnr4 Yes.
Roman   Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
Brian   Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
Roman   Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through?    
Jailer1 What?
Roman   Uh... how many have come through?
Jailer1 What?
Jailer2 Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a
        bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's 
        deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir.
Roman   Eh... How Many Have Come Through??!!
Jailer1 Hhhih hih hih nyih nyih nyih.
Roman   Oh dear.
Jailer2 I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety 
        six, sir.
Roman   It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
Jailer2 N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-crrrr
        crrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir.
Roman   I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very 
        nasty.
Jailer2 Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just 
        thought up, sir.
Roman   No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion.
Brian   Is there someone I can speak to?
Roman   Well...
Jailer1 I know where to get it, if you want it.
Roman   What?
Jailer2 Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and
        Mmmmmmmmmad, sir.
Roman   Well how did he get the job?
Jailer2 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Jailer1 Hihih.
Trouble Get a move on, Bignose. There's people waiting to be crucified out 
        here. Hehehehehehehe.
Brian   Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Roman   Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
Brian   No, but I'm a Roman.
Trouble How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time.
--------[Another centurian (Cent2) stands outside guarding the prisoners.]
Cent2   Shut up, you.
Trouble Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humour. Oooh.
Roman   I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left.
        One cross each. Now...


Crowd   AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Bigus   Wath it thomething I thaid?
Pilate  Silence! This man commands the cwack legions!
Crowd   ___WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___
Pilate  He wanks as high as any in Wome!!!
Crowd   ___AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___



--------[Outside the prisons, the Roman addresses the crucifees-to-be.]
Roman   Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through
        the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight 
        line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good 
        steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your 
        backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.
Prisnr1 Ooooooh.
Roman   Heh. All right, centurian.
Cent2   Crucifixion Party! 
--------[Some of them stumble forward.]
        Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward!
--------[The start moving, slowly. We can see the Prisonr who Brian was
         locked up with earlier hanging upside-down... but at least he has a
         view out a grate.]
Prisonr You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
--------[A man seeling candle-crosses pitys the poor bastards. I call him a
         Christian (Cristin) because he is sooooo nice, and suffers *:) ]
Cristin Let me shoulder your burden, brother.
        [He takes the cross.]
PrisnrX Oh, thank you.
Cristin H-hey!
Cent2   [To the christian, who's turning around to watch PrisntX run off.]
        OI! What do you think you're doing?
Cristin Ah, i-it's not my cross.
Cent2   Shut up, and get on with it!
Trouble Aaahahahahahahaha. He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach 
        you a lesson. Ooohoohoo.


Pilate  All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear
        no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers.
Bigus   No Thpenther Trathies.
Pilate  ... or we shall welease no-one.
Judith  Release Brian!!
Man1    Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN!
Crowd   WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!
Pilate  Vewwy well. That's it.
Cntrian Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir.
Pilate  What?
Cntrian You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
Pilate  Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. 
        Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
Cntrian Yes sir. Yes sir.
Pilate  Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!!


Cent2   Get a move on there.
Trouble Or what?
Cent2   Or you'll be in trouble!
Trouble Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the 
        afternoons?
Cent2   Shut up!
Trouble That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do!
        [Cent2 whips him.]
        Oh, thank you.


--------[The Centurain has run down to the prison.]
Cntrian Have they gone?
Jailer1 We. We've got lumps of it round the back.
Cntrian What?
Jailer2 Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's m...<etc>... he's mad, 
        sir.
Cntrian Have they gone?!?!
Jailer2 Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. N. N. N.
Jailer1 Hehehe.
Jailer2 N. ny. ny...
Cntrian Oh, come on!
Jailer2 NnnYes, sir.
--------[The Centurian leaves.]
        Anyway. Get on with the story.
Jailer1 Well, it's his favourite item, you know, he's...


--------[At the PF HQ.]
Reg     Right. That's the motion to get on with it passed with uh, one 
        abstention. I now propose we go without further ado. May I have a 
        second, therefore? Yeah.
--------[They go.]

                  
--------[Brian can see the crosses that are already up.]


--------[The centurian runs through the streets.]
Trader  Bloody Romans!
Cntrian Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.



--------[The prisoners are now being strung up.]
Cent2   Up you go, Bignose!
Bignose I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Cent2   Oh yeah?
Bignose Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Cent2   No?
Bignose I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Cent2   Shut up, you jewish turd.
Bignose Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not jewish... I'm a Samaritan.
Jew     A samaritan? This is supposed to be a jewish section.
Cent2   It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two.
Jew     It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us,
        doesn't it darling?
JewWife Oh, rather.
Jew     Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be 
        crucified in a purely jewish area.
Sarsean Sarrisea separate to Saggisea.
WelshMn And swedish separate to welsh!
Victims Yeah... <blabber> <blabber>...
Cent2   All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all
        those who don't want to be crucified here.
--------[Since they can't move their arms. *:) .]
--------{Nice one centurian, like it, like it.}
        Right. NEXT!


Cristin Ah, look, it's not my cross.
Cent2   What?
Cristin Um. I's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone.
Cent2   Just lie down. I haven't got all day.
Cristin No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss...
Cent2   Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and fourty of you lot 
        to get up.
Jew     Is HE jewish?
Cent2   Will you be quiet!
Jew     We don't want any more Samaritans around here.
Cent2   BELT UP!
Cristin Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back?
Cent2   Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next.
Brian   You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.
Cent2   I like orders.  


--------[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the
         streets.]                    

Trouble See. Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued then, are you?
Brian   It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Trouble Ooh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots
        of people get rescued.
Brian   Aaah?
Trouble Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail
        for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down
        like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhu.
--------[The PFJ arrive.] 
        Hello. Your family arrived then?
Brian   Reg.
Reg     Hello, sibling Brian.
Brian   Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg     Aaah, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian that in all 
        fairness we are not in fact the rescue commitee, however I have been 
        asked to read the following prepared satement on behalf of the 
        movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end 
        brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly 
        greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
Brian   WHAT?!?!?!?!
Reg     Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to 
        liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist 
        aggressors excluding those concerned with drainage, medecine, roads, 
        housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to
        the welfare of jews of both sexes, and hermaphrodites. Signed on 
        behalf of the PFJ etc.
        And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for
        what you are doing for us Brian. And what must be, after all, for 
        you, a very difficult time.
Brian   Reg! What are you going to do?
Reg     Goodbye Brian, and thanks.
--------[They start walking away.]
Francis Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
Loretta Terrific work, Brian.
--------[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.]
Rebel   Yeah, all right.
REG     Yeah. And...             
PFJ     For he's a jolly good fellow,
        For he's a jolly good fellow,
        For he's a jolly good fellow,
        And so say all of us.
Loretta ... and so say all of...
--------[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.]
Brian   You bastards! You bastards!
Cntrian Where is Brian of Nazareth?
--------[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.] 
Brian   You sanctimonious bastards.
Cntrian I have on order for his release.
Brian   You stupid bastards!
Trouble Uh. I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian   WHAT?!?
Trouble Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Cntrian Take him down.
Brian   I'M Brian of Nazareth.
Victim1 I'm Brian.
Bignose I'm Brian.
Victim2 I'm Brian.
Brian   I'm Brian.
Various I'm Brian.
Jew     I'm Brian and so's my wife.
Victims ...I'm Brian... <etc.>
Cntrian All right. Take him away, and release him.
--------[He gets taken down, and carried off.]
Trouble Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No, 
        leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's A Joke! I'm not him,
        I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!...
--------[A groups of oriental-looking warriors come over a hill.]
Worker1 Uuuuh. The Judean People's Front!!!
Worker2 The Judean People's Front!!!
JPFHead Forward all!!!
Worker3 No! The Judean People's Front!!! Help!
--------[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.]
JPFHead We are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad!
        Attack!!!
--------[They all cerimonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their
         armour, and proceed to kill themselves.]
JPFHead Ggggg. That showed 'em, huh?
Brian   You silly sods.
--------[Enter Judith.]
Judith  Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!
Brian   Judith!
Judith  Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great 
        what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll. I'll never forget you.
--------[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our
         screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!!!]
MC      So there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To
        think of all the love, and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if 
        that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her
        life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might
        have known...
Brian   {I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum!
MC      <mumble> <mumble> ...I don't know what the world's coming to...

Singer  Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
        Some things in life are bad,
        They can really make you mad.
        Other things just make you swear and curse.
        When you're chewing on life's grissle,
        Don't grumble, give a whistle.
        And this'll help things turn out for the best, 
        And...

        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
        Always look on the light side of life <whistling>
                            
        If life seems jolly rotten,
        There's something you've forgotten,
        And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing.
        When you're feeling in the dumps, 
        Don't be silly chumps,
        Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing.
        And...
        
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (Come on!)
        Always look on the right side of life <whistling>

        For life is quite absurd,
        And death's the final word.
        You must always face the curtain wih a bow.
        Forget about your sin,
        Give the audience a grin.
        Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow,
        So...

        Always look on the bright side of death <whistling>
        Just before you draw your termnal breath. <whistling>

        Life's a piece of shit,
        When you look at it.
        Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true.
        You'll see it's all a show,
        Keep 'em laughing as you go,
        Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
        And...

        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
        Always look on the right side of life <whistling>
                (Come on, Brian... cheer up.)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (Worse things ahppen at sea, you know.)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from 
                 nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? 
                 Nothing!)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say.
                 Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (There you are. See. It's the end of the film.
                 Incidently this record's available in the foyer.)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (Some of us have got to live as well you know.
                 Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?)
        Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
                (They'll never make their money back, you know.)
                (I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never 
                 make their money back.)
        Always look on the bright side of life!
-- 
	 Two thousand years have passed since bold Priam said,
        "Don't open the gates, who the hell needs a wooden horse
                that size?"
        -Shawn O' Shaun from Woody Allen's "Irish Genius"
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