HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: jle@locus.com (John Elghani/10000000)
Subject: Polish VW Joke
Organization: LC
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 01:12:41 GMT

A man was sentenced to 4 years in Poland because he was caught
smuggling an engine in the rear trunk of his VW Bug.

It is said that the Polish judge gave him an extra year in jail because
the engine was running during the smuggling operation (hazardous).

Another man was sentensed there to 1 year in jail because he was 
smuggling a car battery under the seat of an Audi 5000S. :)

jle





Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: wcox@vax.clarku.edu
Subject: RE: Fun with cats
Organization: Clark University
Date: 28 AUG 92 03:18:59 GMT

In a previous article, syspb@smartstar.com (Paul) wrote:
>Try pouring some beer in a saucer, preferably warm beer with lots of fizz.
>Your cat will try to drink it.  Watch his reaction.
> 
>Take 4 baggies and 4 rubber bands.  Put a baggie on each of your cats
>paws, and put the rubber band around it to hold it on (not too tight).
>When your cat trys to walk it looks pretty funny.
> 
>Try taking a piece of fish, and putting tabasco sauce or some other
>hot sauce on it.  Then when the cat starts begging, give it to him.
> 
>Another good trick is to get a mousetrap.  Bait the mousetrap with some
>tuna, and set it outside.  When a nosey neighbors cat comes along,
>he'll get a surprise.
> 
>__
> 

Shoulnd't these all go into Alt.Evil?  Not that they aren't humorous, mind 
you....:)

Sorta sick, but humorous....

						-Grace

/----------------------------------------------------------------------\
[	    It's only for a while.  I hope you understand.             ]
[ 	I never wanted this to happen, never wanted to be a man.       ]
[ 	So I hid inside my world, and took what I could find.          ]
[ 	I cried when I was lonely.  I fell down when I was blind.      ]
[								       ]
[						-Guns N' Roses         ]
\----------------------------------------------------------------------/
    Wcox@vax.clarku.edu OR Wcox@nyx.cs.du.edu OR Wcox@black.clarku.edu

Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre
From: pt@geovision.gvc.com (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Re: Are you STILL a Computer GEEK?
Reply-To: pt@geovision.gvc.com
Organization: Not officially GeoVision Systems Inc., Ottawa, Ontario
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 00:03:45 GMT

spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia) writes:

>2.	You want to improve your social life.  You
>    a.  Ask people to go out with you.
>    b.  Join a club to meet new people
>    c.  Drink yourself unconcious and forget about it.
>    d.  What's a social life?
e. Sign on to a few more groups.


>5.	You're on blind date.  (How the fuck you got there is irrelevant,  a
>	freak of nature [like yourself] perhaps)  The question you would ask
>	is:
>    a.  "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone"
>    b.  "Name the weirdest place you ever made love"
>    c.  "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit"
>    d.  "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4"
"Ah - that'd be in the butt, Bob"
...Oh sorry, I thought this was alt.folklore.urban for a second.


>7.	Your favourite fashion accessory is:
>    a.	Winklepickers
>    b.  Collar Studs
>    c.  An axe
>    d.  What's fashion?
e. A "VMS Sucks" T-Shirt.

>9.	Your favourite pickup line is:
>    a.  "I've just won the lottery"
>    b.  "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?"
>    c.  "Shit, I'm pissed"
>    d.  "I'm superuser at work.."
e.	"I've received email from KIBO."


>              /\                                                             
>   /\    /\/\/  \/\/\      /\  /\/\        /\                /\            /\  
>__/  \/\/            \/\/\/  \/    \/\/\/\/  \  /\/\/\/\/\/\/  \/\      /\/  \ 
>A 117 part secret message from Simon Travaglia\/spt@waikato.ac.nz \/\/\/
>  /\          /\University of Waikato, Private Bag, Hamilton, New Zealand
>\/  \    /\/\/  \/\/\      /\  /\/\Ph: 064-7-838-4008/\  /\  /\    /\      /\ 
>     \/\/            \/\/\/  \/    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/  \/  \/  \/\/  \/\/\/  \ 

I'd get the EEG checked, if I were you.  Oh sorry - isn't this
alt.fan.warlord?
-- 
Paul Tomblin, pt@geovision.gvc.com or {uunet,revcan}!geovision!pt
(This is not an official opinion of GeoVision Systems Inc.)
A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone
  -- Henry David Thoreau.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: richardr@crash.cts.com (Richard Rosenberger)
Subject: Slick Willy
Date: 30 Aug 92 19:30:59 GMT
Summary: U.S. Political Joke
Keywords: Slick Willy, Hillary, Bush

SLICK WILLY SLIPS IN THE POLLS...............
It has been said that after the first night of the GOP Convention, Willy and
Hillary were so upset and desperate after watching their lead in the polls
begin to erode, that Willy told Hillary to help him think of a NEW campaign
slogan.  Jumping with excitement, Hillary said she knew of just the thing, but
in order for the public to remember it, she would need to shave all of the
hair off of her PUSSEY!  The plan was that at their next BUS stop, Hillary
would step onto the platform, raise her dress, pull down her panties and
proclaim: "READ MY LIPS, NO MORE BUSH"!
Now thats the kind of something I would have enjoyed seeing a dumb blonde do
during the Democratic Convention!
From: kjs@gvgspd.GVG.TEK.COM (Kevin J. Shuholm)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Confuscious says.......
Date: 27 Aug 92 20:27:27 GMT
Organization: Grass Valley Group, Grass Valley  CA

Another for the list:

He who fart in church often sit in own pew.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: scridd@lims01.lerc.nasa.gov (JEFFREY RIDDLEBAUGH)
Subject: Re: Oxymorons revisited...
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: NASA Lewis Research Center
Date: 28 Aug 1992 15:34 EST  

>> >Christian Science
>> 

Creation Science
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish
From: ted@dgbt.doc.ca (Ted Grusec)
Subject: Re: Polack joke
Organization: The Communications Research Centre
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 92 17:15:16 GMT

In article <1992Aug24.225851.27578@smartstar.com> syspb@smartstar.com (Paul) writes:
>Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
>From chasing parked cars.

THis joke is much funnier as a Newfoundland dog joke since
Newfoundland dogs are a breed and as a breed they have a flat front
end. There is no breed of Polish dog. So here is a case of an ethnic
joke which IS ethno-specific, unlike most.
-- 
==========================================================================
Ted Grusec    Communications Research Centre    (Govt. of Canada, DOC)
 3701 Carling Ave., Ottawa, Ont.K2H 8S2, CANADA  Internet: ted@dgbt.doc.ca
  Compuserve: 73607,1576  (613) 998 2762   Fax (613) 993 8657
From: kml@cellar.org (John Galt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: thoughts on group
Keywords: humor
Date: 26 Aug 92 12:35:42 GMT
Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system

u906451@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au (Agamemnon) writes:

> 
> Now with people having a go at each other about jokes being offensive
> to certain ethnic groupings. I thought the idea of humor was to amuse
> not to cause interethnic insult competitions. 
> 

What, you've never seen Don Rickles?



               Personally, I skip the posts and just read the sigs.

  kml%cellar@tredysvr.tredydev.unisys.com - My other account is a Mercedes.
From: mha1@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MICHAEL H. ALAIMO)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Snake jokes puh-lease!
Date: 25 Aug 92 18:41:09 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <harris.714719568@drvax3>, harris@drvax3.msfc.nasa.gov (Mitch Harris)
 writes:
>Could y'all please post any snake jokes? Thanks!


So I'm standin' on line at da bank and dis snake starts tungin' my bawls...

                  OOOOHHHHHWW!!!!
-- 


: MIKE ALAIMO        :    ************************
: Brain Surgeon      :    *       BUSH-FREE      *
: Rocket Scientist & :    *        IN '93        *
: General Neophyte   :    ************************
                        "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: iott@rtsg.mot.com (Joel K. Iott)
Subject: Ancient Sumeria
Organization: Motorola Inc.
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 15:02:52 GMT

One day in ancient Sumeria, two bickering citizens visit the high priest.  One
man says, "Priest, our father died and now we must divide up his money.  Since
I am the oldest, I should get all the money, and my younger brother should get
none."

The priest said, "Let me consult our great god Karbunatud Kermel Vadder." So
the priest goes into the temple and comes back out a short while later.  "KKV
has spoken.  He says that the money must be split equally between the sons. 
You have made KKV angry with your petty disputes, He is tired of seeing this
pap!"

The next day, two more citizens visit the high priest.  One man says, "Priest,
our father died and now we must divide his cattle.  We heard of your decision
about the money, but there are 11 cattle.  How do we divide 11 between two of
us?"

The priest said, "Let me consult our great god." So the priest goes into the
temple and comes back out a short while later.  "KKV has spoken.  He says that
each of you shall receive 5 cattle.  The remaining cow shall be roasted and
you shall have a feast in KKV's honor.  You have made KKV angry with your petty
disputes, He is tired of seeing this pap!"

The third day, two more citizens and a baby visit the high priest.  One woman
says, "Priest, this is my child!  But the other woman claims it is hers." The
other woman says "No, it is my child!  you lie!" The priest interrupts them
saying, "KKV will decide this matter". 

So the priest goes into the temple and comes back out a long while later.  "KKV
has spoken.  His omniscience seems to be a little less omni today, so he says
we must split the baby in two, and give half to each woman!"

At this point, one of the woman cries out, "No!  give it to the other woman!"
The priest, realizing that is the true mother, gives the baby to her.  Then the
priest says "You have made KKV angry with your petty disputes, He is tired of
seeing this pap!"

So, on the fourth day, the priest sees all the citizens come up in a great
parade, along with a strange vehicle.  The mayor says to the priest "Priest, we
realize that we have been trying the patience of KKV, and we have made this
tribute to pacify him.  Behold, the marvelous golden cart!"

Well, the priest thought this was pretty dumb, but at least it was better than
the golden calf they offered last time.  So he looked over the cart, and on the
side was the inscription:

Pap-see God'll Halve It Cart
From: tes0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (THOMAS EDWIN SCHMIDLIN)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Challenge! was Re: Christian Joke
Date: 3 Sep 92 06:11:09 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1992Sep2.151906.16565@lmpsbbs.comm.mot.com>, marios@ecs.comm.mot.com
 (mario smarduch) writes:
>In article <1992Sep1.184632.12599@worldbank.org> aki <aki@atlas.worldbank.org>
writes:
>>In article <ZocFqB4w164w@cellar.org> John Galt, kml@cellar.org writes:
>>>The third guy says, "Ah, Easter.  Everybody sad.  Jesus, die on cross.
>>>Then, three days later, everybody happy.  Everybody together.  Jesus,
>>>rise from dead.  Sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter!"
>>
>>Personally I find your joke extremely offending.  Being of Japanese
>>decent I find no humor in your joke.  Take your racist jokes
>>and tell them at your next KKK meeting.  Japanese are not
>>idiots like your joke infers.  Besides...everyone
>>KNOWS Jesus saw his shadow and said "Six more weeks of
>>JULY"...sheesh  I may be dumb but I'm not STUPID...;-) ...
>>heh heh..
>>
>
>In previous post I said last time, but here I go again. Namely
>I understand that not everyone is Christian and therefore is going
>to understand the offense towards jokes about Christ's suffering, now
>thats understandable. But common sense should prevail, first of all
>the man (God to others) was innocent, was tortured, beaten and killed
>most brutally. Is there anything funny in joking about murder?
>Why don't we crack jokes about Martin Luther's death, or John
>Kennedy's death?, it's just not appropriate. Sure there is the freedom
>of speech, allowing to post anything - but it would be nice if people
>had more sensitivity, like maybe all of us laugh instead of just 1/2.
>It's called style.
>
>Flames or comments welcomed.
>

Making fun of death is a very common thing, because it is making light of a
bad situation.  I wouldn't be surprised to hear jokes about Martin Luther King
or JFK's death.  While they may be in bad taste, they may also be funny as
hell.  After all, many jokes are in bad taste.  (What did the brown gerbil say
to the white gerbil?  You must be the new guy.)  I also seem to remember a
thread a while back listing jokes about the Challenger.  In poor taste?
Surely.  Funny?  Absolutely.
There is no such thing as a universal joke, something that everyone will find
amusing.  I challenge anyone to come up with a joke that is not at the expense
of another.  I don't think you can.
-- 


Tom Schmidlin       DEEP THOUGHTS: By Jack Handey - If God dwells inside
TES0@LEHIGH.EDU         us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes
215-758-0865            enchiladas, cause that's what he's getting.
Newsgroups: rec.humor,aus.jokes
From: robg@citr.uq.oz.au (Rob Geraghty)
Subject: amusing system errors
Organization: Prentice Centre, University of Queensland
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 08:16:34 GMT

I have been fascinated by the error messages generated on my DECstation
by the X program "XBiff"

I have finally seen what causes it:

When a mail message arrives, Xbiff raises the flag in the "IN" box

The DECstation session manager generates an error - 

Warning: Window Manager is confused

------------------------------

Almost as good as Xenix's "double panic" -

The system panicked while panicking


--
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Geraghty                         | Time, flowing like a river
robg@durian.citr.oz.au               | Time, beckoning me
CITR                                 | APP
From: lipscomb@lonestar.utsa.edu (David S. Lipscomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ha 10
Date: 1 Sep 92 13:51:54 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio

This was taken from 'THE NON-VIOLENT MAD' 1972.  Written by Larry Siegel.
                       THE MAD AIR TRAVEL PRIMER


                            CHAPTER TEN
                      THE DISTRAUGHT NEIGHBORS

See the lovely house.
See the people who live in the lovely house.
See them cringe in fear and cover their heads.
See the windows shatter.
See the doors rattle.
See the dishes crash.
See the furniture splinter.
See the floor-boards quiver.
See the goldfish having heart attacks.
See the house leave its foundation.
Is the lovely house under an atomic attack?
No, the lovely house is under a Jet airliner.
Taking off from the airport next door.
Isn't it fun living near an airport!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: music@erich.triumf.ca (FRED W. BACH)
Subject: RE: Woody Allen - COMPLETE JOKE LIST!!!
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Keywords:  snigglet,  rec.humor
Organization: TRIUMF: Tri-University Meson Facility
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 19:25:00 GMT

In article <31AUG92.15560305@vax.clarku.edu>, wcox@vax.clarku.edu writes...
>REAMS of intensely unintellignet sh*t about Woody Allen deleted....
                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  A new snigglet

    unintellig-net       alternative name for rec.humor 


   Sorry, I couldn't resist that one!  (Especially considering this thread!)

 Fred W. Bach ,    Operations Group        |  Internet: music@erich.triumf.ca
 TRIUMF (TRI-University Meson Facility)    |  Voice:  604-222-1047 loc 278/419
 4004 WESBROOK MALL, UBC CAMPUS            |  FAX:    604-222-1074
 University of British Columbia, Vancouver, B.C., CANADA   V6T 2A3

 These are my opinions, which should ONLY make you read, think, and question.
 They do NOT necessarily reflect the views of my employer or fellow workers.
From: lipscomb@lonestar.utsa.edu (David S. Lipscomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ha 4
Date: 1 Sep 92 13:47:25 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio

This was taken from 'THE NON-VIOLENT MAD' 1972.  Written by Larry Siegel.
                       THE MAD AIR TRAVEL PRIMER


                               CHAPTER FOUR
                          THE TYPICAL PASSENGER

See the typical airliner passenger.
See him squeeze into a typical airliner seat.
He cannot put his feet on the floor,
Because his hand luggage is down there.
He cannot put his hand luggage on the rack,
Because the pillows are up there.
He cannot put a pillow under his head,
Because he cannot raise his head.
He cannot push his seat back,
Because it crushes the knees of the passenger behind him.
Look at the funny, cramped position he is in.
Funny, funny, funny.
Why is the Stewardess hovering over him?
She is waiting for him to fall asleep.
Why is she waiting for him to fall asleep?
Because there is no fun in tapping him on the shoulder
And telling him to fasten his seat belt
From: bruceh@hpspdla.spd.HP.COM (Bruce Hayek)
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 23:40:44 GMT
Subject: Re: Tom Swifties
Organization: HP Stanford Park - Palo Alto, CA
Newsgroups: rec.humor



Do these pass?



"I had to bake the pastry again", Tom retorted.

"I find the male of the species intolerable", Tom mentioned.

"I'll kill the girl", Tom offered.

                       

(Well, they were worth a try...)

 - bh  

 PS -  "You'll burn in hell for your immoral acts", Tom said sincerely.

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: Brian R. O'Hern (BRO'HERN)
Subject: Medical Terminology
Followup-To: same
Reply-To: ohernb@lonexb.rl.af.mil
Organization: USAF Rome Laboratory
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 13:15:08 GMT
Expires: soon

Just another list I've collected (I do not know the source) that you
may not have seen:


                               MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
                                 For The Layman:

                         ARTERY - The study of fine paintings.
                         BARIUM - What to do when CPR fails.
               CESAREAN SECTION - A District in Rome.
                          COLIC - A sheep-dog.
                           COMA - A punctuation mark.
                     CONGENITAL - Friendly.
                         DILATE - To live longer.
                     EUTHENASIA - Kids in China.
                         FESTER - Quicker.
                    G.I. SERIES - Baseball series between teams of militia.
                         GRIPPE - A suitcase.
                      HANG-NAIL - A coat hook.
                  MEDICAL STAFF - A Doctor's cane.
                MINOR OPERATION - Coal digging.
                         MORBID - A higher offer.
                        NITRATE - Usually lower than the day rate.
                           NODE - Was aware of.
                        ORGANIC - Musical.
                     OUTPATIENT - A person who has fainted in a hospital.
                 POST-OPERATIVE - A letter carrier.
                        PROTEIN - In favor of young people.
                      SECRETION - Hiding anything.
                       SEROLOGY - Study of English Nighthood.
                         TABLET - A small table.
                          TUMOR - An extra pair.
                          URINE - Opposite of "You're Out!"
                 VARICOSE VEINS - Veins which are very close together.
                              
BRO'HERN (Electronics Engineer)
____________________________________________________________________________
           STD DISCLAIM APPLIES ('disClaim dat I make is no lie...)
Unless otherwise noted, I say what I say about what I think or thought with
total disregard for what the U. S. Air Force says or thinks and vice versa.

____________________________________________________________________________
From: rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Tom Swifties
Date: 26 Aug 92 18:42:05 GMT
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA

Monroe.Thomas@ttlg.UUCP (Monroe Thomas) writes:
>OK... I deign to share a portion of my infamous Tom Swifty
>file:

My favorite:

"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead ernest.

-- 
Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will
turn instinctively for more assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject
submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance.
From: gtr0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (GLEN TORLEIF RYEN)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: offensive to women (apologies)
Date: 31 Aug 92 19:09:15 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <cbaker.715220662@tasman>, cbaker@tasman.cc.utas.edu.au (Christopher
Paul Baker) writes:
>There are three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal sex.
>What are they?
>
>1) It's warmer
>2) It's tighter
>3) It's degrading for the woman.
>
     Hmmmm.....I see what you're trying to get at, but I don't think it's very
funny.  If you're looking for a good anal sex joke, try this on for size:

Q> How do you make a woman scream twice?

A> Fuck her up the ass, then wipe it on the curtains!

    That was in a list of offensive jokes posted last year, and it's one of my
personal favorites.  Enjoy.

Glen
From: kiffisia.bbs@cybernet.cse.fau.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: PERSONALS
Date: 27 Aug 92 21:00:20 GMT
Organization: Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton

SWM LOOKING FOR FEMALE FOR LOVING AND FISHING.
MUST HAVE BOAT AND BE WILLING TO TRAVEL .
GUTTING AND SCALLING TALENTS WILL BE APPRECIATED.

SEND PICTURE (OF BOAT).
From: lipscomb@lonestar.utsa.edu (David S. Lipscomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ha 2
Date: 1 Sep 92 13:45:07 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio

This was taken from 'THE NON-VIOLENT MAD' 1972.  Written by Larry Siegel.
                       THE MAD AIR TRAVEL PRIMER


                              CHAPTER TWO
                              THE LANDING

See the other nice airplane.
See it coming into the busy airport.
It is arriving in New York from Washington, D.C.
The whole trip took less than an hour.
See the nice airplane circling the busy New York airport.
It will circle and circle.
For four hours.
Waiting for the plane circling underneath it to land.
Which is waiting for the plane circling underneath it to land.
Which is waiting for the plane circling underneath it to etc.
Etc., etc., etc.
Isn't air travel from Washington, D.C. to New York wonderful?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: satish@ttd.teradyne.com (Satish)
Subject: arbitrary
Keywords: n
Organization: Teradyne Inc., Telecommunications Division
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 92 15:32:38 GMT

Jack is nimble, Jack is quick,
but Jill prefers the candlestick
From: ahummel@ems.cdc.com (H. Austin Hummel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Christian Joke
Date: 31 Aug 92 12:32:30 GMT
Reply-To: you@ems.cdc.com
Organization: Empros Systems International, a division of CDC

In article <rdippold.715028967@cancun>, rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold) writes:
|> marios@ecs.comm.mot.com (mario smarduch) writes:
|> >"Jesus is hanging on the cross and down below at the bottom
|> > ...
|> 
|> Jesus walks into an inn and throws three spikes on the counter: "Can
|> you put me up for the night?"


"Rock aroung the Curcifix" by Pontius Piolet and his nail driven' five
Xref: sparky rec.humor:27148 soc.culture.polish:2146 alt.censorship:7187