From: key@soda.berkeley.edu (peter li'ir key)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: an anonymous posting
Date: 17 Oct 1992 02:03:10 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley, CS Undergraduate Association
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.berkeley.edu

In article <ldrtpnINNna4@spim.mti.sgi.com> dauber@tattoo.mti.sgi.com 
(Jeff Dauber) writes:

>Recently, a muffin asked me to request coming out stories to be posted to the
>group.  He is struggling to come out himself and thinks that hearing the
>stories of other people coming out could make things easier.

i know i've posted my coming out story before, but since someone asked i'll
post again.  anything to help someone out of the closet.  just to make things
interesting for people already familiar with my coming out, i'll add a few 
more details.

i'd known i was attracted to motss since i was in junior high, if not
actually before.  my only problem at the time was that i was a fundie
christian, the full nine yards (i got better :).  at the time i lived
by 'judge not lest you be judge' and 'love thy neighbor as thyself', so
i had very little problem with other people being gay.  but i was horrified
that i could be so sinful myself.  i _didn't_ want to be gay because being
gay meant i was sinful and didn't love god.  things continued like this
for the next ten years.

during those ten years i struggled with being attracted to men.  i didn't
even _think_ the word 'gay' in a context where it might be applied to
myself.  my struggle with my sexual identity wasn't the most tramatic
experience during my teen years, although the struggle was a major
contributor to my depression.  the most traumatic thing in my teen years
was my _very_ dysfuntional family.  while i wished i was dead several
times between my eleventh and twenty-second year, i'm glad i didn't
kill myself.

as things were coming to a head between myself and my parents a friend
from australia visited me.  we had been corresponding over the internet
for a very longtime via muds and mail.   she visited me on the way
to see her fiance'.  we talked all night.  we shared our problems, our pain, 
our hopes and our deep dark secrets.  the day before i had decided to 
'leave' home.  this meant telling my parents i wouldn't be
taking any more money from them.  it meant i could hang up on my parents
if they ceased being civil on the phone.  it meant i didn't have to
go 'home' whenever they wanted.  it meant i could live my own life.

having moved out own i found i didn't know who i was.  talking
with my friend helped my realize i was gay, and that it was a part of who
i was, and that i couldn't deny it any longer.  that night i told my friend,
"i am gay."  that night i told _myself_ i was gay.

the following day after saying our goodbyes at the san francisco airport
i went to castro street in san francisco.  i'm not entirely sure why now.
i'd never been there before, but growing up in the san francisco bay area 
i associated gay and castro.  i guess i wanted to see what it was about.
while there i saw gorgeous men.  i saw gay men and lesbians and straight
folk walking down the street.  i saw people living their lifes.  and
i wanted that.  i wanted to live my life.

i started living by being honest with myself, and then my friends.  i haven't
lost any friends.  one friend's response was "oh is that all?  i thought it
was something serious."  at the same time i told my parents i was leaving
'home'.  i didn't leave 'home' because i was gay, but because life at 'home'
was intolerable.  but i didn't tell my parents i was gay at the time.  i
did not leaved home because i was gay, and i didn't want to confuse the
issue of leaving with the issue of my gayness.  perhaps, there were other 
motives and other reasons, but none i know about or knew about.  six months 
later i came out to my parents.  one month later my father told me, "you 
are dead to me" and my mother said she couldn't be my mother anymore.  she 
said other vicious things in her initial hysteria.  she wanted me to choose 
between her and my lover.

my lover and i met over the internet a couple weeks after we had both
some out.  a mutual friend of ours introduced us.  three hours later we were
in love.  three days later we met and became lovers.  it's been a year
and three months (minus a day) now, and i'm glad i chose to live my life.
he is the most wonderful person in the world, and he loves me.

today i finally took my boyfriend's photo to work in a nice brass frame.
i didn't before not because i was afraid to, but because i didn't have
a desk that was mine until three weeks ago, and i kept forgetting.
today my really cute (but straight) officemate commented on it and told
me thought it was great and proceded to tell me about his gay friends and his
attitude about homosexuality.  i didn't care what kind of reception it would
get, but i'm really happy it got such a warm and thoughtful response.  i
wasn't expecting to be congratulated on my courage.

i don't think of myself as a courageous person.  but i guess it does take
some courage to be honest with yourself and everyone around you.  i hope
this encourages someone to find their own courage.

peter li'ir key, who is happy
key@soda.berkeley.edu

ps to the anonymous poster:  i hope this helps you in some way