From: shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller)
Subject: Re: relationship gone to pot?
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1992 22:47:11 GMT


In article <7063.1787.uupcb@spacebbs.com> mike.mcaulay@spacebbs.com (Mike Mcaulay)  writes:
>
>shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller) writes:
>
>-> How nice of him to act in an obnoxious manner towards his girlfriend.
>
>Is it "obnoxious" to withdraw affection from an SO?  From the SO's
>perspective it certainly represents an unfortunate set of circumstances,
>but I think "obnoxious" is too strong.
>
I guess it depends on the circumstances.  I think there are nicer ways,
and less nice ways, of putting distance in a relationship, or of getting
out of it altogether.  I would prefer someone who would tell me that it
wasn't working, rather than just indulging in an addiction until it killed
the relationship.

>-> After all, if he's bored, why not just dump the bitch? Better still,
>-> *don't* dump the bitch - leave her hung out to dry in case he has a
>-> use for her later.  After all, he might run out of pot, and having
>-> her around is better than staring at the walls waiting for the next
>-> delivery.
>
>Are you interested in discussing this?  Putting this sort of spin on
>what I've written is not really conducive to advancing the
>conversation.  I agree that it is not a Good Thing for someone to grow
>bored with a relationship without breaking it off.  But we are talking
>about a hypothetical situation here and it's not really fair of you to
>particularize it like you have.
>
Sorry, I wasn't trying to put that sort of spin on what you were saying.
I was trying to convey what it feels like to be the one who finds that
her place is being taken over by an addiction.  I apologize - I should
have been more clear.

>-> I don't think the be-all and end-all is to be in a primary
>-> relationship. I *do* think that, if 2 people have a relationship,
>-> that they each deserve to be treated with respect and decency by the
>-> other half.
>
>If you can show that I have stated anything to the contrary I will eat
>my hat.  In fact, I will eat a 10 gallon hat full of cow poop at the
>next boink held within 100 miles of my house.
>
I wasn't trying to say that you were saying anything in particular. 
I was trying to clarify what *I* was saying, which I felt had been
taken wrongly.

>-> I don't think that indulging oneself in a compulsive behavior to the
>-> point of neglecting the other person is respectful or decent. Sorry.
>
>Ranting.
>
Why ranting?  I think it's perfectly reasonable.  I think that, all too
often, someone will get wrapped up in something and just not realize to
what point they are involved.  I have seen people get involved in various
things to the point where they were neglecting other areas of their lives,
including SOs.  Many of them have come back later and said that they were
amazed at how much their "interest" had taken over their lives, and were
glad that they were finally able to break away.

When asked why, the usual comment is that they feel badly about how 
they treated others around them.

>-> If you want to revel in an addiction, knock yourself out.
>
>Ad hominem attack.
>
Sorry you feel that way.  I don't recall the exact text of the postings
but I got the impression that you felt that it was a person's choice what
they want to do, and that if that meant getting addicted to something,
that was their right, and that the effect it had on others around them
didn't mean anything.  If I'm wrong, please set me straight.

>-> I just don't think it's appropriate to hurt anyone else while doing
>-> it, even if it's "just" through neglect.
>
>Me either.  Okay my point was:  I do not accept that it is necessarily
>the case that everyone should at all times place a "primary
>relationship" above all else, including what you have derogatorily
>referred to as "addictions."  If you are touchy about pot, then let's
>stick to something else, say, birdwatching.
>
Well, if you want to be really exact about it, I don't think that
it is necessarily the case that everyone should at all times place a 
"primary relationship" above all else, either.  Heck, if nothing else,
sometimes the allure of getting a little sleep is more important than
my SO!  That just proves your point.

I think in general, though, if one part of one's life takes over to the
point that other areas are suffering, that's a real problem.  I find it
especially worrisome if the area that's taking over is an obsession, and
the part that is suffering is a primary relationship, or a serious
quality of life issue.

As an example, if I was so obsessed with watching birds that I refused
to wash or dress for weeks, I think that would be worth worrying about.

Or, if I was so obsessed with watching birds that I lost all interest 
in my SO, and didn't want to see him anymore.

Right or wrong, my take on the original situation was that the person
smoking pot had lost interest in his SO, but hadn't ended the relationship
so that she could go on with her life.  This is what I've been trying to
address.  Sorry if it seems I've been berating you personally - that was
not my intent.  On the other hand, though, having lived through these
sorts of issues (alcoholic parent, among others), it *is* a real hot
issue for me.

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