HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Question about cutting
Date: 16 Dec 92 06:13:53 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <Bz45pB.7Bw@twwells.com>, anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker) writes:
>In article 24F@twwells.com, anon-1454@twwells.com (Screaming_Fist) writes:
>>If anyone has solutions on how to stop themselves from cutting,
>>or even if you've found a way to do it less often, would you
>>please either post about it or email me?  I'd be grateful!

<Much deleted to save bandwidth>

>I tried to cut myself Tues but couldn't because my knives are too dull :-) . 
>Later that evening, in group therapy,
>I realized what I really wanted was attention so I asked for it and was fine.
>
>P.S. I used to try to have no sharp objects around the house but
>that was unrealistic because the world is full of them and they are often
>useful of other purposes (eating steak, etc).
>
>Hope my experience is helpful. I am really looking forward to hearing
>what other people do. 

Because I'm using slightly twisted logic for this one, I'm throwing on a

***SPOILER WARNING***

even though it contains little stress inducing stuff, and it's not being
written from the safe place, etc.  Just a warning for slightly twisted logic.

I have never been a really serious cutter.  When I attempted suicide for the
first time, it was by slitting my wrists (after typing a turnequet on one to
help the blood flow faster).  I couldn't do it because it hurt too much.. :)

But I'm falling into the pattern of cutting for the sake of cutting.

I've found a slightly twisted piece of logic that helps me delay cutting myself
to a later point.  (At which point I hope to be in a better mood, so I end up
avoiding cutting completely.)

I think of the odds of doing serious damage to myself accidentally by doing
this with <fill in the blank with whatever sharp object I have at the time>.

"Wouldn't it be a lot cleaner and safer if I used a brand new clean and
relatively sterile razor blade rather than <fill in the blank>?"

So I end up delaying cutting myself (usually a few hours) until I get a chance
to run out to the store and buy a package of razor blades.

And then after I've cut myself, I realize how stupid it was and proceed to
destroy the blades.  Or rather get rid of them.  (Kinda hard to destroy a thin
sharp piece of metal without damaging yourself!  So I merely thow the package
into the local (filthy, completely unsanitary) dumpster.

That way I can force myself to put it off again later on when I find that I
don't have any new clean razors handy...

Hope this helps...


Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi

   "Gone serious and shy, and they can't figure out why."
                --Suzanne Vega "Bad Wisdom"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: Will anyone be posting over Christmas?
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 21:01:34 GMT

Hey, I bought a modem so I could post from my PC at home over Christmas
Break (among other reasons) and now everyone is going on vacation!!! :-)
 
Thanks to everyone who responded to my posts over the last week or so. I
really appreciate it!
 
Erin
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: bye
Date: 18 Dec 92 07:44:53 CST
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

I'm  going home today for break and January interim. I'll be back on Feb 
2.

Bye.
Erin Sue
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson)
Subject: Bird Creature(poem) ****MIld Spoiler****
Organization: St. Olaf College; Northfield, MN
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 16:22:14 GMT

This is a poem i wrote a while back after i had a super intense conversation 
with my gf about our abuse, and how we deal with different situations.  The
thing is we really got into the "why" of how we deal with things, and i got 
really angry at having to deal and she held me and we cried together.....

so here you go.....

bird creature
11-23-92

Sometime ago
i ventured by
a big blue house;
whose age and stature
caught my eye.
Sitting down
i sat and watched
the big blue house
up on the hill.

After some time
there came
a bird, who perched
up on a tree.
Watching intently
with beady eyes
this bird
stared in to my soul.

Tracing it's movements
with my own eyes
i soon learned
to hate and to despise
the very presence
of my bird.

One rainy day
my "companion"
sat itself
upon my head.
Straightening it's spine
my bird "friend"
soon began
to talk to me
to convince me
to feed it
and
to clean away
it's shit.

Day after day
i
have
swatted and screamed
for this bird
to fly away
but still
it remains
always insisting i
feed it
and
clean
away
it's shit.



PEACE ya'll,
carrie

(oh, if any of you want i can just include poems i write when i write them 
if you want to hear them, sometimes they are very encouraging, other times, 
more difficult...but isnt't aht what ****SPOILER**** is for?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the opressor; it must be
demanded by the opressed"
                Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in his book _Why We Can't Wait_
Be good to yourselves!                                 PRIDE=POWER
cjohnson@stolaf.edu                                    cjohnson@carleton.edu
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IT!

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu (David Nelson)
Subject: *** spoiler *** My songs (lyrics)
Keywords: abuse, song
Organization: Iowa Computer Aided Engineering Network, University of Iowa
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.4.19
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 15:28:41 GMT

Following are the lyrics to 2 songs that I've written about childhood
sexual abuse.  The first one I wrote for an SO and the second one I
wrote to voice it for myself.



*** possible spoilers follow ***










     Dove          92.12.28

Barbed wire memories where giants rape the young
A prison made of secrets without comfort, trust, or love
Semen, blood, and heavy breathing all have left their trace
Written in the lines of shame and terror on your face
  And you say hold me
  just hold me
  Can we fly?

Fighting to catch her breath, the wounded angel sighs
Trapped in the flashbacks of a silent, screaming child
Unseen fingers on your neck, fear has left its mark
Turns to me in desperation, "will it never stop?"
  Hold me
  just hold me
  will we fly?
  
White bird of innocense finds her voice tonight
Breaking through the silence and the years of pain denied
Crying like the Christ-child, trembling like a dove
Yearning to touch the sky on the wings of love
  And she says hold me
  just hold me
  and we can fly!


All Rights Reserved 1990 David L Nelson
----------------------------------------------------------------------

   Scream The Rage        91.04.05

(mournful)
  I will sing the pain, give voice to the madness
  of tearing flesh and unending sadness
    Child, scream the rage

(angry)
I want what you cannot, want what you
never could begin to give me
Tell me that you lied, take it back
if you must, apologize
  Child scream the rage

You cannot know, cannot begin to
feel the anger, pain, and fury
Deepest burning pits of hell can-
not contain the torment I feel
  Child scream the rage

Guilty in the first degree of child-
hood and being needy
Sentenced by a Judas-court
the goddess-whore is judge and jury
  Child scream the rage

"Reject it from the very start
to kill the child's soul and heart"
Insanity the legacy of
drunkard, whore, and pederasty
  Child scream the rage

On the other side of midnight where the
shadows walk and walls are breathing
Sacrificing innocense,
mother-satan leaves me bleeding
  Child scream the rage!


(wistful)
    I want back what's been taken from me
    innocense, trust, and purity
    How can you rape a child?
    How can you steal a smile?

    These scars tell a story
    that Mommy doesn't love me
    And this world, this society's
    got no place for me, no place for me

    Day after day after day after day
    after day
    I've gotta fight with myself
    just to find the will to live...


(angry)
I totally reject ev'rything
that you ever put inside me
Throw it in your face, your demon eyes
your lifes and pseudo-grace
  Child, scream the...

(mournful)
  I will sing the pain, give voice to the madness of
  murdered souls and unending sadness
  Child...  





All Right Reserved 1991 David L Nelson
From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Explanation re: Ed's APS requested
Date: 16 Dec 92 02:02:20 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Chalk this one up to my being inadequately self-taught regarding
computers.  You say:
    That's why I've posted the software.  Mine's very easy to set
    up, and one could have their own personal APS running on
    one's own machine, post through it, and no one would ever
    know.  *You* maintain control - not some faceless admin that
    you don't know.  -- Ed Carp
    
Does this mean that a person with a PC attached to a network and
with an IP number can mount this software on her/his own machine
and send MAIL which gets anonymized through this?  I had assumed
that one had to get the people in charge of the mainframe mailers
to mount the software somewhere accessible to us peons.

If you want to recommend a basic text to get me up to speed on
these things at the same time as you are addressing my question,
I am cheerfully open to suggestions (just don't be too
disparaging of my attempts at self education  :-))



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
Subject: Re: My First Posting
Organization: Claremont Shelter for Maladjusted Singers
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 16:53:43 GMT

In article <BzCDr9.E4v@twwells.com> anon-1487@twwells.com writes:
>Hi.  I am new to this group.  I have been reading for several weeks now.

Welcome.

>I am not quite ready to tell my story yet.  

There's no hurry -- if/whenever you are ready, we're here to listen.

>I wonder if I am imagining things.  

Unfortunately, most of us wonder this at times -- even those of us who
*know* that we were abused.

>Anyways, I feel a lot better after reading these posts.  I realize that
>maybe I am not alone, and maybe somebody can understand me.  I have no
>nickname yet.  I haven't quite thought of one that is appropriate.  Anyways,
>I could use some support.  My email is turned on or just post, I read almost
>every day.  Thanks, and e-hugs to whoever needs them!!

I'm glad that you've found us -- and you are far from alone.  I hope you
continue to find things here that are useful to you.

					Lydia

"You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
 You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			"From Me to You", Janis Ian
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Soprano (Lydia M. Uribe)                      uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu |
| Claremont, CA                                  uribe@hmcvax.claremont.edu |
|           Cats, quilts and diving -- what more could anyone ask?          |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: an1870@anon.penet.fi
Subject: Nothing
X-Anonymously-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 23:25:41 GMT

As you might've suspected from the header, 
this's just a test.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Subject: bob's discovery
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 21:45:14 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com



***good***
that you are angry.
don't apologise..

i cant be.

hugs (?)
darkangel



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From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: daymare  **emotional spoilers**
Date: 11 Dec 92 19:20:59 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

lying on a table
guess i was in a room
couldn't move couldnt speak

saw myself in front of me
one eight one three

eight holding three by the hand
and their ruin-dark eyes ached toward me

pleading

they just stood there and stared
and i was trying to tell them something
to leave 
to run
(i think)
but they didnt 
they couldnt

dont know what happened next
dont remember

darkangel



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From: Jean Riseman <agape@igc.apc.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Date: 18 Dec 92 12:05 PST
Subject: Re: first post: MILD SPOILER
Nf-ID: #R:1992Dec17.005816.23365@news.yale:-928929928:cdp:1519600007:000:365
Nf-From: cdp.UUCP!agape    Dec 18 12:05:00 1992


Hello Someone:

Welcome. There's a lot a stuff shared here & it changes all the time.
II'm glad some has been useful to you. Don't worry about not
knowing what to say...wait until you aren't too scared.Just
knowing that people are reading my stuff makes me feel better,
because silence is a real calming response...I feel heard.
So I hope you keep reading. Jeannie

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
Subject: Re: Will anyone be posting over Christmas?
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 07:43:56 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU writes:

>Hey, I bought a modem so I could post from my PC at home over Christmas
>Break (among other reasons) and now everyone is going on vacation!!! :-)

I'll be around!

ReachingOut



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From: anon-1406@twwells.com (Empty & Aching)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Weird Spoiling Poetry [*** spoiler ***]
Date: 17 Dec 92 23:33:03 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

*** Spoiler alert *** 
Despair & wallowing follow
***

In <BzDo54.GFL@acsu.buffalo.edu>, rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski)
writes:

> FOR APRIL, ABOUT REBELLION

> Happy are we born in Hell
> the sharp edged, broken early
> deep is the dry wishing-well
> of the soul that found no mercy

  ....

> `poor, miserable, blind, naked`
> they stumble barefoot on some
> broken thing that once, too, bled
 
    There are times when I feel a little like this, myself.  And
    those are times when I feel a little more myself than usual.
    Then I wish I could let go of that foolish, childish hope,
    that longing for something, I'm not sure what, that keeps
    me coming back, that makes me want to think it's not that bad,
    that if I just do x, or y, then Hell will just be a fever
    dream.

    But mostly I just feel empty, half-alive, jerking along like
    a dissected frog's leg connected to a battery.  Jerk! he runs
    to work.  Jerk! he tries to finish a paper.  Jerk! he hews --
    unsuccessfully -- to his daily routine.  Why don't the other
    frogs have this much trouble catching flies?  What's wrong
    with me?

    Ah! to be in Hell.  At least it wouldn't be a stupid joke.  Or,
    maybe if I really were there, I would see through even that.  And
    realize what a pathetic thing it is to be in Hell and have no
    greater ambition?  hope? than to snap at saints' heels.
    What do RMR's demons feel, when Hell's ``joys'' fade like
    a Christmas carol?


>       Let your despair be grand and black,
>       not small and oft-repeated.

    Tell me about it....  (said w/ a tone of irony)

Empty & Aching



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: fsacp@acad3.alaska.edu
Subject: re: Help!
Organization: University of Alaska Fairbanks
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 05:50:04 GMT

Hi,
  My therapist is out of town for 2 weeks!  I'm kinda worried
about it but not too much, she does this around this time of the year
a lot, so it's sorta a part of life.

Some things I usually do when she's away, are write, don't worry about
punctuation or spelling or anything, just let those feelings flow onto that
piece of paper, you may even decide to show it to her after she gets back, but
you don't have to.

  I'm sorta lucky in a way because I've built up a sopport network that really
helps during these times when she's away.
  I also may be able to see my husbands therapist in individual sessions while
she's away too I dunno if that was an option he gave or not, I'll know on
Monday.

  Just keep the spirits up and do some fun stuff, that kinda helps make the
time pass more quickly and easily!

*HUGS* if ya can accept them and if not then please pass them on.
From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Hello again
Date: 14 Dec 92 16:14:37 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

PeterW writes:

>I made it, and I am getting my AASEE (Associates of Applied
>Science in Electronic Engineering).  I just wanted to say that I am feeling
>really good.  It's the first time in my life that I feel I really finished 
>something I set out to do.  This is a sign of healing...  

Congratulations and Hurrahs! for finishing something you set
out to do. For even setting out.

And may I extend it to all of us (posters and readers alike)
who are able to set out and finish something. Even if it is
brushing our teeth in the morning. Don't think we give ourselves
enough credit.

Thankyou, Peter, for the good news and reason to celebrate. You
deserve affirmations and to feel good about yourself.

-Seeker





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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
Subject: My name?
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 07:46:14 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


In alt.sexual.abuse.recovery you write:

>    Riptide here,
>     ******cutting spoiler********
>Kind of a reliving thing.  I remember feeling like 
>I would be strong if I could cut myself.  That inner
>strength stemmed from being able to surmount my fear of 
>pain.  (I didn't end up cutting myself, and I am not
>really worried about doing it.  The suggestion of
>using the red markers will probably be enough)
>Anyway, thanks for reminding me.  I feel different 
>knowing that I did this too.

I'm so glad you didn't cut yourself! I feel such sorrow for
cutters. 

>     Oh, and ReachingOut, (I don't know if you're
>reading this far in) I'm glad you're still around,
>but I'm worried about you.  That's twice you've 
>changed your name since I've been here, I hope you're
>okay about changing names and that it isn't running
>away from yourself.  Hugs for you if you want them.

Thanks for the hugs. I always take hugs. Hmmm, I've been sitting
here thinking about what you said. It perplexes me that you would
be worried about me because of my name changes (other than the fact
that it's potentially confusing to asar folks.) 

Riptide,  I've been running away from myself since forever, so
it's very natural to me. I am okay about it. If I really wanted
to be me, I probably wouldn't be here in asar. :-)

I loved the name Ode, but it was based on a very positive,
healing, hopeful song. Since I didn't(don't) feel positive,
healing and hopeful, it felt wrong to me to use it. It felt 
like a lie, so I changed it to Alaska, because that place
(in abstract*) and that feeling are very special to me, even
when it hurts. The name, to use as a nickname, has been ruined
for me though, so I had to change it again. ReachingOut seems
to be a halfway point, halfway between Ode and Alaska. I love
the song, plus it includes other people (asar people) because
I wouldn't be reaching out unless there were someone and 
something (hope) to reach out to. It's not as sure-fire optimistic
as Ode, nor as solitary as Alaska. That's the first time I thought
of that, as I was typing. Not as solitary...cool!

Since I'll be reaching out for a long time, I'll probably be
ReachingOut for a long time. Now I just have to make sure I
stay out of flame wars so it won't get ruined too.

I don't feel I'm answering your concern properly, but I'm not
sure what else to say.

**HUGS** all around.

ReachingOut

(* I've never actually been to Alaska. It and Hawaii are the only
2 states I've never been in. A good reason for me to not commit
suicide. I don't want to die until I've been to all 50 states!)



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From: anon-1296@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Holidays
Date: 12 Dec 92 22:55:17 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Poohbear and everyone else...
have nice safe holidays

Jasmyne



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Subject: bob's discovery
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 21:45:31 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

oops...

forgot to put this down:


an1414@anon.penet.fi
anon-1394@twwells.com

darkangel



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery