From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Yet another request for advice...
Date: 10 Nov 92 22:57:36 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <1992Nov9.232427.1942@news2.cis.umn.edu> esper@cs35b.cs.umn.edu (Dave Sherohman) writes:
...
>Jump forward to last night (Sunday the 8th).  As we often do, after returning
>from a dance, we sat in the car talking for a while.  Through the course of
>our relationship, she'd always been very passive, trying not to encourage our
>relationship (but also never trying to discourage it either).  Friday night,
>she'd gotten a bit more active in pursuit of the relationship, which concerned
>me, so I asked her about it.  I also pointed out that, in the past, whenever
>I'd indicated that she might have any responsibility for anything that was
>going on between us, she got very defensive.  From there, I told her that I
>saw a pattern of her not taking responsibility for her actions.  Next thing I
>knew, she'd brought up the conflicts between our dating and the rest of her
>life, and I'd told her that what is is, and that can't be changed, all she can
>do is to take responsibility for her actions and decide what she was going to
>do in response to the situation.  She was quiet for a good 20 minutes weighing
>the factors, then she came up with what I knew was coming - she shouldn't be
>dating anyone now.
>
>So the dating part is over.  I can handle that.  But we're still friends, we'll
>still be dancing together, and worst of all, both of us know that we both wish
>it hadn't had to end.  I have no idea how to deal with these.  There aren't any
>hard feelings on either side.  Comments/advice/suggestions, anyone?
>
People break up all the time, and then get back together. There is no
guarantee that you two will get back together, but I wouldn't write her
off, either.

I'd say you owe her an apology. It sounds like from your point of view,
she has been getting involved with you while pretend that she isn't,
and you fault her for it.  But you could have avoided getting into that
situation by not allowing her to get involved with you without showing
you she had thought things through. But, like a normal person, you let
it slide. So, I wouldn't fault her for her hypocrisy when you
encouraged it. On the other hand, you were being pretty tough on her in
trying to get her to admit she had been hypocritical.

I hope you understand that you made some tactical errors. I don't mean
this as a criticism of you. I know it is easy to get caught up in the
heat of the moment. But I think it might help you, especially if you
want to apologize.

First, by pointing out her hypocrisy, you made her become unhypocritical
-- unfortunately the wrong way from your point of view. People are
afraid of being dependent, and most anything you do which makes them
more conscious of the degree of their dependence on you will make them
pull away.

Second, you say she got defensive. If someone is in a defensive mood,
then the harder you push, the harder they will resist.  You should have
backed off and allowed her to get rational before arguing further.

Third, you gave her an ultimatum ('all she can do is take
responsibility). There was no threat, but it was still an ultimatum.
The problem with ultimatums is that they are ultimate -- once the other
person defies you, you don't have any more bargaining power. Because of
this, it is a bad idea to use ultimatums with anyone you wish to 
continue contact with.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I think you are being a bit more 
pessimistic than you need to be. 

Best Wishes,
Michael.
Newsgroups: alt.romance