From: mbr2@quads.uchicago.edu (Curious Of All Natures)
Subject: Re: Intro to me and question for all
Reply-To: mbr2@midway.uchicago.edu
Organization: Universtiy of Chicago
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 11:36:03 GMT

With intent of helping folks understand each other, I join the exchange.


Muffy, of Vicki:

>She goes around saying she is monogamous.  If the person does not think
>that that is ambiguous (see below), they won't feel that they need to
>question further.

If someone were to go around saying to everyone that they were
monogamous, and didn't elaborate on that, but rather relied on the
common-society understanding of that term, and then proceeded to have
multiple relationships... then I think that person would probably be
subject to many of Muffy's criticisms.  So in this sense I agree with
Muffy.  

However, from what Vicki has said, *she does not do this*.  She has
described to her lovers better than she has to us how she is about
things.  (right, Vicki??)  False expectations will not be a problem
here.

Maybe Vicki is a person who is polyamorous in the sense _Muffy_ means
the word, but is a lot more relaxed (or something) in those one-person
periods of her life?  (Who can say for sure?  Muffy doesn't really know
how exactly Vicki lives, and Vicki doesn't really know what exactly
Muffy means.)

We had a discussion a while ago on the definition of polyamory.  A very
lucid resolution of it seemed to be Joe's (I think), which paraphrases:
"'polyamory' is ultimately a word you can choose to call yourself, if
that's helpful, with your own definition".

Similarly, Vicki has chosen to call herself monogamous, because that
best articulates for her the unique way she is inside.  And she goes on
to elaborate that, for us and all.


>I've never met anyone who found the term "monogamous" ambiguous.  Again,
>please tell me how it is that it is ambiguous.

Compare:

"I'm in a relationship that has a declared monogamous contract."
  to
"I am by nature a monogamous person."

"I don't think multiple relationships are acceptable for me."
  to
"I don't think multiple relationships are acceptable for any partner of
mine."

"I say I'm a monogamous person because anything else makes me unhappy."
  to
"I say I'm a monogamous because that Way feels best for me.  Of course,
other Ways feel really good too, and I'm open-minded enough to pursue
whichever Way makes the current situation work best for all concerned."

I don't think the whole realm of this ambiguity can be exhausted.


>Show me this text where I "called her relationships a cruel lie."

I think you at one point used the word "cruel" to describe such actions
as hers, and at another point you used the word "lie" to describe her
use of the word "monogamy".  The conjunction was probably an
unintentional memory-smear.  But what you have said does come across as
"What Vicki does is just not-ok".


-Matt Ryan, words feign a clarity that reality does not possess,
mb-ryan@uchicago.edu                Curious Of All Natures
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If I'm dreaming, never let me wake. You'll never see the end of the road
If I'm awake, never let me sleep.   When you're traveling with me.
               -old chinese fellow                        -Crowded House     
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