From: anon-1215@twwells.com
Subject: body memories... confusion... ***SPOILERS***
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 00:14:47 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

*** spoilers *** warning  Memories ahead...

Last Wednesday in therapy I got into a body memory that's been with me
for about four years.  The first time it came up was in a bodywork
session.  I didn't know at all what it was, just that it felt like
it took over my body and I decided to let it and see where it took
me.  About a year ago it surfaced again, one evening when I was with
a friend in my car.  I pulled over into an empty parking lot and let
it take over again.  He asked me what it looked like, and all I could
say was "big and blue, cold, and wet; and it wants to kill me."

We decided it was a body memory and I was fighting off someone who
was trying to abuse me.  When it takes over, I start writhing,
clenching my teeth, grimacing, and fighting against whoever is with
me.  It doesn't feel safe to make any noise, and I know I'm "not
supposed" to move.  Pretty scary.  And I know there's immense rage
associated with it all.  And that I'm really little, probably less
than five, when it happens.

My therapist took me to a place where "the thing" took over and
she held me while I sobbed and writhed (which my closest friend also 
has done for me several times).  Then she took me deeper into it,
more than I've gone before.  It was incredibly scary, so much
that, for the first time, I had to say it was too much and that
I needed to come back.  That's never happened before.  I've always
been ready to stay in it until the other person pulled me back.
When I came back I just sat there, stunned and drained.  We spent
the rest of the session talking about what had happened and how
to find out the rest.  I need to take it in small chunks, and
to come back if it gets unbearably intense.  My therapist said
that was fine, and affirmed that it was my process and that it
was ok to protect myself by going into it all as slowly as I 
needed.

When I got home, I was still kind of in shock.  I called my friend 
and he wasn't home.  I finally talked to him last night, which
helped.  That night I woke up a couple of times, scared, and
managed to get back to sleep. 

I've never known who it was who abused me sexually at that 
young of an age.  I know my father was violent, both physically
and verbally, but it never made sense that he would violate
my body that way.  Later he did the emotional incest thing, where
it felt like he was trying to steal my soul and live my life
for me before I had a chance to do so for myself, but it never
fit that he was the one from the beginning.  

As I was waking up after the memory and the dreams, a small voice
said, "I know who it was.  It wasn't your father; it was *his mother*,
your grandmother."  I was stunned, yet again.  And yet somehow
it made more sense than anything else ever has.  I don't want
to believe this, but I can't *not* believe it any more.  I still
have no idea what she did, but at this point I don't know if I'm
ready for that yet.

I think that's all I can say at this point.  What do I want now? 
I'm not sure--to know I'm not alone; to hear any experiences
of emerging memories; to know other people have experiences of 
abuse from women...

Thanks for being there; this is a very scary thing to post. 


All Me of Us



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