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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Tue, 18 Aug 1992 14:16:00 EST
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         "Lauren H. Arango" <LHARANGO@OWUCOMCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Dan's restaurant experience

Dan writes,

>        I had an interesting autistic experience awhile back that I thought
>I'd relate, in case it struck any chords or stimulated any questions in
>anyone.  This is a good example, because Lauren can give you the non-
>autistic viewpoint as an eyewitness.

Okay, here goes....

>        Lauren's parents seem to think I'm a reasonably decent guy, but they
>are both very well-bred and sophisticated, and their major problem with
>the idea of me marrying Lauren, aside from the age difference (she's twenty
>years older than I), is the fact that I'm a bit too uncouth for their taste,
>having been raised out in the boonies on a farm by a set of hick parents
>doing heaven knows what all day.  (I may be being slightly unfair to them
>here; it's frequently difficult for me to completely understand the socialite
>point of view.  If I am, I apologize; Lauren can probably straighten me out.)

I'd say you *are* being unfair to them....perhaps more than slightly.  First
of all, my parents are well-brought up as far as manners are concerned, but
I don't think of them as sophisticated.  And you aren't "a bit too uncouth
for their taste"; their taste has nothing to do with it.  They expressed
concern to me that it would be difficult for you (without manners and that
kind of upbringing) to function in a world where a lot of emphasis is put
on such things....in a world where a person's worth is often judged by
the kind of manners he has.  Personally, they don't care if you have
manners or not; they were concerned for *you* because they know I care
about you.  And the concern is a loving concern, not an overwhelming one.

Secondly, my parents have met yours and I've *never* heard them refer to
your parents as "hicks".  In fact, I've never heard them say anything
critical of your parents at all....so implying that they think you were
"raised out in the boonies...by a set of hick parents doing heaven knows
what all day" has no basis whatsoever.  If you want to know what they think,
why don't you ask them?

Finally, my dictionary defines "socialite" as "a person prominent in
fashionable society".  I don't know what the "socialite point of view"
is that you refer to, but you seem to attribute it to my parents.
My parents neither circulate in fashionable society (they're much too
poor to do that, even if they wanted to) and they're certainly not
prominent.

So the picture you paint of my parents is not only unfair, but blatently
untrue.  I don't want to get into an argument here, but since you posted
your message to the whole list, I feel as though I also have to post this
to the list in defense of my parents.

>        I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I *hate* fancy
>restaurants, most especially those in which I have never before eaten.
>        Perhaps you can see the potentially explosive situation shaping up
>here.  I have to get dressed up in a suit (which I never wear; fancy clothes
>bother me almost as much as fancy restaurants), go to a fancy restaurant
>I've never seen before with a totally unfamiliar menu, socialize acceptably
>with Lauren's parents who are predisposed already to think of me as uncouth,

I should also mention to everyone that I told Dan clearly *several times*
that he did *not* have to come out to dinner with us.  I explained that
my parents knew that he was uncomfortable in fancy restaurants and that
they would understand if he declined to come with us.  I know my parents
well, and they *would* understand.

So it was *Dan's decision* to come to the restaurant with us on that
occasion.  I feel as though I need to make that clear, lest anyone think
that we dragged him kicking and screaming to the restaurant.  I love Dan;
I don't want to make him uncomfortable.  I know how he feels about res-
taurants; I would never knowingly force him into such a situation.

So even though he had a bad experience, he was there completely *by his
own choice*.

>        I ordered something called chicken Monterey at Lauren's suggestion;
>I remember that much, but I don't remember what it looked or tasted like,
>or how much of it there was.  I do, however, remember the baked potato in
>the tinfoil that sat on my plate and stared mockingly at me, daring me to
>try to figure out how to eat it in a mannerly fashion under the burning
>stare of Lauren's parents.  (They probably weren't really watching me that
>closely, but it felt like they were.)

Burning stare?  C'mon, Dan.  Stop being so melodramatic.  Not only weren't
they watching you that closely, they weren't really watching you *at all*.
Because you weren't talking, they were busy talking to me....and looking
at me while we were talking.  So I *know* they weren't watching you.

>        It was unqualifiedly and without reservation the most traumatic
>social experience I've ever had, even counting the 3rd-of-July broadside
>fiasco in downtown Columbus.

I'm really sorry that that's the case, but remember that it was *your
choice* to be there.

>Given that she took me there in the first
>place, Lauren was awfully sweet to me once we were there and made a

Implying that I shouldn't have taken you there in the first place?
See "your choice" above....

                                Lauren
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