From: tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Rewards (Was: Re: Mischievous Child (3 YO))
Date: 19 Aug 92 17:13:47 GMT
	<4310176@hpcc01.corp.hp.com> <1992Aug11.221809.2215213@locus.com>
	<00713731578@elgamy.sccsi.com>
Organization: Sylvan Associates

First, I want to comment on the 18 month old who picks up her toys.
The praise system used seems to be heavily reward oriented. So she's
picking up her toys to please you. What happens if she is annoyed with
you or in a separation phase and doesn't *want* to please you when she
gets older? What happens is that picking up the toys can become an
issue muddled up with pleasing you.

It's important to give children feedback, and let them know when
they're doing something you want them to learn. At the same time, it
is important to turn the results back to the child - Praise: "Oh what
a good girl, you picked up all your toys" or a simple rule "Toys need
to be put away when we're done with them (and a parent helping" or
feedback "The room looks nice and neat with all the toys away" or
child oriented feedback "I see you like to keep your toys neat", or "I
see you're proud that you picked up your toys by yourself". The
household rules and the child oriented feedback will carry with your
child, and not need you there to reinforce them. You need to be HONEST
from the child's perspective about what is so for the child. If they
disagree, then you need to find out what about what they did they are
happy about. In the child oriented feedback it's "I see you xxx", so
you need to observe what you see in the child's reactions.

Now, on rewards and punishments: The world does NOT operate in a
strictly reward/punishment scenerio. And what might be the worst
outcome to one person might not be a big deal for another. (For
example, an unexpected pregnancy, getting turned down for something).
Matter of fact, it is those who persist *despite* failures who do
well. The drive has to come from the person, not just outside. That
doesn't mean that external feedback should be ignored, but that if it
becomes more important than what the person thinks/feels then the
person will be guided by what those around say to do, and not his/her
own beliefs.

I have seen good people not get the strokes they think they 'deserve'
at work, and be very unhappy with the situation. Others who expect
less might be happy. There are consequences to actions - being fired
isn't done to "punish" a person, it could be because they didn't do
the work and the company needs someone who will, or because the budget
just doesn't make it. It could be because they didn't get along with
other employees. And if life hands something 'bad' to a person, should
they feel that they are being 'punished'? Most people are in a less
resourceful state when they are feeling that way, rather than just
dealing with whatever needs to be done (find another job, clean up the
milk, apologize to someone, get some extra work done...) Feeling
guilty or bad just doesn't do anything - taking appropriate action and
doing what can be done to avoid the situation again, that is a useful
skill for an adult to have.


-- 

Tigger (Grace Sylvan)                Mom of Katherine Yelena, 8/8/89 &
tigger@satyr.sylvan.com              Robin Gregory born 2/28/92
=======================
I'm a mammal and proud of it!