From: anon-1318@twwells.com (Free Amazon)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: re: hi you all (or how to feel about mother?)
Date: 8 Nov 92 06:29:10 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hello Sierra and welcome,

I am really glad you posted. That seems pretty strong to me.

Maybe I can share some similar feelings. Our situations have some 
paralells and I've been thinking about this alot lately.

>This past week I think I have remembered some things that my mother did
>and that is really terrifying me and freaking me out.  I've always 
>hated my father, so when I remembered what he had done it almost made 
>things make sense.

Boy I have felt this. My father was always abusive in every way but I 
didn't have a name for it. I hated him but so did everybody so when I 
remembered the abuse it explained alot of feelings and behaviors. It was 
almost a relief.

This past month I have been remembering things my mother did and it is 
really terrifying. Previously I thought she was just ineffectual in 
stopping the abuse that my father inflicted on my sister and me. Now I 
am remembering things that suggest that she knew, helped, helped cover 
up, and blamed me. It was as if there was this power struggle for 
possession of me. But he was always the bad guy and she was always the 
one who held me and comforted me. We were confidants, sisters, friends. 
But she was never the mother. And, of course, she drinks (lots).

I think it's alot harder for me to believe that the woman who nurtured 
me totally f**ked up my life and all my subsequent friendships with 
women. And such a terrific role model. I woke up one day and asked 
myself, "When did I start living my mother's life?" Thank God I never 
was able to have kids. I can't imagine how I would have felt with my ex 
around children. It frightens me even to think about it. More on that 
later.

So how to feel about this woman. I tried to understand but she is 
drowning her feelings and memories in booze so she's still not very 
accessable. I realized that I couldn't really like her now because I 
didn't even know her. Someone asked me if I loved her and I couldn't 
answer. There's just this shell to love. I've always told her what I was 
doing and how I was feeling.

I told her I suspected abuse when I started to remember. She said she'd 
do what she could but things would come up. She couldn't find the baby 
book for months and then would forget to send it. She thought my 
sister's hadn't existed. When I challenged that memory with an 
indisputable fact she said she didn't know where it went. Funny, but she 
found the first page. Just the first page. 

She can't remember and won't get sober and take responsibility- for 
letting me be abused and whatever her role in that was and take 
responsibility for the abuse and subsequent suicide of my sister (not to 
mention my her abuse of me).

So how to feel. I feel little sympathy anymore. I'm nearly 40. She 69 
years old, married another alcoholic, and will not get sober even though 
she knows it's killing them. The irony is my step brother is in AA and 
has been dry for 4 years and apologized (sincerely) for his abusive 
behavior. They have been confronted and their drinking not supported by 
me. There is little else I can do here. I'm a grownup and so are they. 
They say that's how they chose to live. Butt out. 

How to feel. I feel sad that I don't know this woman who is my mother. 
Such a tragedy of lost opportunity to help each other. I wouldn't be 
surprised if she was abused herself. Patterns tell a great deal.

So... I feel anger come and go. I want her to fill in the blanks for me. 
Like Anika was saying- at least that. I can't find the post but I 
remember the resonance. If you couldn't protect us or leave us alone, 
the least you could do is help us recover, dammit.

What to do? The therapist thinks it would be helpful (in agreement with 
Anika) to write a letter to mother even if I don't send it. It might 
help me sort out what I want, what I can realistically get and what I 
would lose (if anything).

What I want. I want her to acknowledge what happened, tell me everything 
I can't remember, apologize for what she's done and recover with me. 
Since I'm not expecting hell to freeze over, let's be realistic.

What I can get. Well??? ?? ?
I guess I don't think I would believe what she told me. There have been 
so many secrets and lies. Lies she believes are truths that can't be but 
the truths are too painful for her. She's unable to even admit she's a 
drunk. If she stopped she might remember.

What can I get. I can get her to stop calling me every Sunday and 
pretending that we're friends and saying she'll be there for me if I 
need her 'cause she won't be.

What would I lose. My mother. I guess I love her. I love what I want her 
to be. So the best I can hope for is peace and the time to heal?
It looked sort of a lose/lose to me until I wrote that sentence. Maybe 
having her disappear for awhile is a win and I've already lost her?
I'll have to think some more about this, clearly. Sigh.


Sierra, try not to disbelive yourself. You're instints will tell you 
what's true.

DON'T EVER EXCUSE AN ABUSER NO MATTER WHO IT IS OR WHY THEY ABUSED YOU!
THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!!! NEVER, EVER!!!

You're really strong too and part of this community. We'll be here for 
you.

It's really helped me that you posted. Thanks Sierra.

Free Amazon



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