From: mmcalees@sol.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese)
Subject: Sauramud's Advice Column - Issue 9 Part 1
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.misc
Organization: Those Dudes
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 19:31:45 GMT

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         Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings   Issue 9
                          Parte the First
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Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the
latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column.  The questions
have been coming in thick and fast, prompting the _WWN_ to issue a 
special double-sized issue.*  As a result, the clippings I culled make
up a two-part edition of the column this time!  As usual, however, there's
a word or two from Sauramud himself to begin with...

* There was talk of having cover variations and special illusory pictures 
on certain covers, but that was quickly quashed.  The Wartburg Trading Card 
company has included several samples of their latest line in my issue 
though, I have a mint edition "Sauramud poking the monk in the eye" card 
myself.  
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Dear Readers,

     Whereas I do not normally make it a policy of printing editorial
commentary from my readers I have received innumerable letters ever since
my last column in which I complained about the creation of _weird_ magic
items (such as a heart-eating scarab and brain devouring tiara).  Most are
unsuitable for publication!  This alone answers my rhetorical question
about where these items come from.  It seems that in spite of the minimum
intelligence requirements there are some really STUPID wizards out there.
This does not bode well for our noble profession.
     This column is a little bigger than usual because I wish to answer all
the remaining questions before the academic ranks swell with new legions of
wizardlings with MORE problems to address at ol' Sauramud.  With quill in
hand and a bottle of rot-gut (for purely medicinal purposes - it's one of
those wizardly things) I present you this latest batch of questions.
     One last point before I continue; it seems that some of the questions
slated for this column may have been pilfered by hobbit influences in the
postal service.  If you had an outstanding question and do not see it in
this column then please resubmit it.

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Dear Sauramud,

     In your advice column #8 you asked who made all of those bad magic
items that poison you or eat your heart out or worse.  I'm surprised you
don't know.  I can only assume you are such a masterful craftsman that you
have never had a magic item not turn out the way you intended it.  Others,
however, have not been so fortunate.  These items are created when a wizard
either uses the wrong materials or somehow botches the enchantments.
     Cheap materials are to be avoided at all costs because they are prone
to have a weak spot which will distort when the enchantments are placed
within.  The resulting distortion in the magical field can cause many
undesireable effects.  Another problem is excessive use of silver and gold
by wizards who want to sell their magic items.  Silver and gold make the
items look good, to be sure, but they are not strong enough for all
enchantments and suffer from distortion or are subject to damage after
enchantment.  Adamantite is the metal of choice for wizard craftsmen
because it looks good, wears well, and is strong, yet light.  For wood
items redwood and oak work well and pine is to be avoided.  I prefer wool
for capes.
     The primary cause of botched enchantments is the interruption.  It is
absolutely essential that one have some servants who will see that you are
not interrupted.  I personally am able to tune out knocks on doors and
voices when conjuring but some fools actually will try to touch the item
you are working on!  Oh, sure, they'll probably be killed or maimed but
that is small consolation when your beautiful item is damaged.
     Responsible wizards immediately destroy items which turn out harmful.
A few, however, throw them out with the trash where they can be picked up
by any old scavenger and eventually find their way into the hands of some
unsuspecting adventurer.

Sincerely,
Fyrand Forget

Dear Fyrand Forget

     I can't understand a wizard who would sit down to make a magic item
(in the centre of the village square judging by the frequency with which
these mages seem to be interrupted), invest thousands of hours and
thousands of gold, then skimp on the quality of the ingredients.  I can
just picture the scenario (scene shimmers as Sauramud launches into a
theatrical dream sequence);

Wizard - (holding up shapeless, quivering bit) This gold dragon's gizzard
looks a little gamey.  Is it still good?

Conniving, cheapo shop keeper - Oh yes!  Assuredly!  I stock only the
finest, freshest ingredients in Spell-Components-R-Us Discount Superstore.

Wizard - (taking sudden leave of every lesson he ever learned in the
College Magi) Well it _is_ half price, an important consideration when
crafting three thousand gold worth of wand.  Besides, if I save thirty gold 
on the ingredients I could have the pewter wand gold plated to make it look 
nicer once it's enchanted...

     Since you wrote in an editorial context and didn't ask for any advice
I am going to give it anyway just to be annoying.  Don't take any wooden
copper pieces and never trust a monk with your healing elixirs.

---

Dearest Saramud,

     In your last column you complain rather voraciously against magi who
invent amusing party favors like the heart eating scarab.  I must strongly
object to the tone of your comments, suggesting that the blood, sweat and
tears necessary to design and implement these devices is wasted effort.
Why do we do it?  Well there are those bills to pay.  If I'm hired to
invent traps and nasty little suprises for the party that DOES end up
plundering my bosses castle its not MY fault what happens!  Just the other
day I was having coffee at the Baron's place (dicussing his investment in
the Dirty Tricks Divsion) when there was this tremendous howl from the
treasury.  The Baron excalaimed 'WHAT WAS THAT!' to which I replied, 'Your
tax gp's hard at work sir, someone must have found my 'Necco Wafer's or
Insanity'.' Do you know how much Necco Wafers COST around here!?  I also
found it personally amusing when the orcs plundered the Armoury.  They
instantly started to try stuff on, especially those nice shiny helmets!
OOPS!  Nice Shiny Helmets of Amnesia!  Or what about the Sword Of Enuresis?
You know, bed wetting?  I could go on and on...so I will!  Theres also the

(Sauramud:  You didn't need to explain that last one - I DO have an
intelligence of 17+.  I am VERY familiar with enuresis from my years
travelling with a certain paladin.)

double edge sword of, Potion of Hill Giant Strength/Drain Intellegince To
Slack Jawed Drooling Idiot.  Spear of Uncontrollable Itching In The Middle
Of My Back And Epileptic Seziures (damn this itch!  I'll just use this
spear..ARRGGHH!).  How about the Cloak of Incredible Vanity (damn I'm good,
what are you looking at?  Me?  I understand.).  Or the Leather Pants of
Attract Body Crabs?  Maybe Cursed Unremovable Ring Of Uncontrollable and
Random Flatulance?  (The Baron's brother did NOT appreciate that one when
his fun loving brother (my boss) switched it for his wedding ring).  And
who could forget Helmet of Exploding Heads?  Or Sword of Cut Off My Own
Genitilia?  Or Bracelet Of Incontinence?  One of my favorites (that I
consider to be a personal work of genius) is the Ring Of Blindness And
Utter Terror Of The Dark.  A rather nasty one I thought up for the trolls
up the road (well, the DID live up the road) was Gold Piece Of Turn Bodily
Fluids to Nitric Acid.  I had one of the Rangers here who had it in for the
trolls (they ate his wife) scatter these gold pieces around the trolls
stomping grounds.  I thought they imploded quite nicely.  Then there...oh
Rats, lunch hour is over, back to work..rats, rats...hmmm...how about
Girdle Of Rats Eating There Way Out From The Inside Of Your Stomach?  I
amaze myself sometimes...

- Jack Palance
-'Sauron? I have bits of wizards like him in my stool'

Dear Raving Loony,

     You are one sick - I hesitate to use the word 'wizard' here - person.
I would not be surprised if you are the one responsible for those truly
awful Boots of Monkish Prancing that a friar friend of mine discovered
during one of our outings.  I find it hard to justify creating cheap prank
items when you could be creating items to help save the skin of your
average honest, overworked, underappreciated, constantly endangered because
he CAN'T WEAR ANY ARMOUR AND ONLY GETS 4 HIT POINTS AT FIRST LEVEL wizard.
How about creating a Club of Wizardly Appreciation with which the party
wizard can BEAT the big, sweaty, grunting fighters over the head when they
accuse him of being useless after he has cast his last spell?  How about
some Boots of Wizardly Escape which will allow a magicer to run away _real
fast_ from the army of slavering, wizard-eating nasties who have just offed
the rest of his party?  I can think of a myriad of USEFUL magic items that
would PAY a LOT MORE than a bevy of stupid prank items - and after all,
isn't that the bottom line in making such items?

---

Dear Sauramud,

     I have a problem which I hope you will be able to help me with.  It
has me very worried, and no other source of advice has been of any use.
     It all started about a month ago when I was doing some research in the
library at Cuomathen.  I was exploring one of the lesser used parts of the
library when I came across a rather ancient and little used door.
Curiosity got the better of me--the lock yielded to my Knock spell--and I
passed through into the room beyond.  There was something odd about the
room--I still can't put my finger on it exactly, but somehow it did not
seem to 'fit' properly.  The only object in the room was a carved oaken
stand bearing a large, handwritten book.
     Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it and read a few pages at
random.  What they contained I cannot tell you for I do not remember, but
they were terrible enough to send me screaming from the room and from the
library itself, vowing never to return.
     It is from that day that 'they' started to take an interest in me.  I
see 'them' peering at me from odd corners, yet when I look closer 'they'
are never there.  'They' speak to me in my dreams, but what 'they' tell me
is so horrible that when I awake I cannot remember what 'they' have said.
'They' have also started to take an interest in my companions, three of
whom have been mysteriously murdered in a manner too horrible to talk
about.  The rest of the party are starting to eye me warily, as though they
suspect me.
     Two nights ago a green scaly rash started to form on my chest and
back, and it has since started to spread along my arms.  I have tried Cure
spells and Exorcisms to no avail.  I even consulted the high priest of God
II, with results that were less than satisfactory.  He had me driven from
the temple, and has since left for foreign parts.
     I have returned to the library but cannot find the old door, no matter
how much I search.  It is as though it had never existed.

Help me Sauramud, you're my only hepe.

Desparate.

Dear Desparate (sic)

     What an interesting question.  I had the same problem locating the
door to my library after a night of insightful drinking in the nearby town.
As with your case it was as if the door had never existed.  I learned later
that this was because I had entered the wrong wizardly tower.  The owner
was not very amused to see me there when he got home, especially when he
discovered that I had somehow managed to locate his hidden liquor cabinet
and was making good with his best scotch.  I am pleased to say that we
managed to resolve matters in a very civilized fashion and are now fairly
good friends, swapping spell components and lending out familiars to one
another when the need arises.  This just goes to show you that there is no
problem so large that it can't be solved with a good scotch.
     I wouldn't sweat it about being driven from the temple, I got run out
of the church on more than one occasion.  A hefty tithe usually warms
relations again.  As to the rash I suggest you try one of those
moisturizing creams containing aloe.  A paladin whom I know swears by that
when his skin gets scaly after too many long days on the road.  He also
claims that it helps him keep his boyish looks and 17 charisma.  As to
'them' watching you I refer you back to my first paragraph about the
drinking.  I too have seen 'them' watching me on occasion, but in the
morning I just peel my face off the floor of my library and go about my
day.

---

Dear Sauramud,

     The other day I was travelling with a group of people (mostly
fighters, God's damage absorbers) when we were beset by a raiding party.  I
rapidly used up my allotment of spells, except for my pride and
joy--Nahal's Reckless Dweomer.  So I tossed it, and now the biggest and
strongest fighter hops over to me on his rabbit legs and throws me to the
ground every time I try to cast a spell.  It's getting VERY distracting.
What should I do?

Charles the Chaotic

Dear Charles,

     Every time he hops over to you look wistfully at his legs and
speculate on the amount of luck one of them would bring you if it was cut
off - presumably whilst the other slept - and hung around your neck.  If
this doesn't mollify him then accentuate the positive.  Tell him how lucky
he is to have the legs of a rabbit rather than, say, the head of a newt
(avoid telling him that he already has the brains of one).  Make him
realize that these legs are _better_ than his old ones in that they allow
him to literally LEAP to your defense while you are engaged in smiting your
foes with offensive magics.  
     Remember, fellow wizards, that you have the intelligence to turn these
minor problems into opportunities.  Mention casually that Nahal's Reckless
Dweomer is your last-ditch defense spell and that if everyone charged to
your aid in combat you would be much less likely to have to fire it off.
Keep telling him that you're working on a solution, so much so that you
need extra rest at night and can't possibly stand a watch, he'll have
to substitute for you.  The possibilites are endless.

---
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                        Ende of Parte the First
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-- 
*     mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca (Michael McAleese) : I speak only for me...       *
  "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." - Oscar Wilde
  (For snooping governments: heroin, cocaine, FBI, CSIS, CIA, albatross...)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives