From: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie (Ciaran McHale)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: She Kissed Me!
Date: 4 Sep 92 23:43:30 GMT
Organization: DSG, Dept. of Computer Science, Trinity College Dublin

Why "She Kissed Me!" as a subject line? Because I couldn't think of
anything more suitable and if I am not mistaken, that happens to be the
title of an article in "Bi Any Other Name" so I thought would be a nice
pun. Anyway, I'm rambling and I'm not even past the Subject: line yet...

Last October/November I met a woman, X, at the college L&G Society. She,
like me identifies as bi. We became friends and I started to fancy her.
I was pretty sure she didn't fancy me and so I was faced with a choice:
(i) do I tell her how I feel, or (ii) do I keep quiet about it and hope
that I get over the infatuation.

In the past I have (occasionally) been able to screw up the courage to
tell somebody I fancied, but thought didn't fancy me, how I felt.
Anytime I have done this, the result has always been the same: the
person would reply "Thanks, I'm flattered, but no thanks" and this
would cause my infatuation to die, thus allowing us to be friends.
(I wish I could do this more often, but I'm only able to do it when the
infatuation is so overwhelmingly distracting that it is preventing me
from eating, sleeping, studying etc. If this is the case then the
feared pain and embarassment of stating my feelings is less than the
actual pain of suffering in silence and allows me to do what is
necessary.)

Unfortunately I chose option (ii). I didn't tell X how I felt about her
and wished that the infatuation would go away. It didn't. We grew
closer but there were certain feelings I couldn't discuss with her and
that put an emotional barrier between us. We began to grow apart
because I found it too painful to be near her; and I felt a bit shitty
about this. Then circumstances (study, exams, holidays etc.) stepped in
which meant that our paths didn't cross too often so X became a case of
"out of sight, out of mind."

Lately, our paths have crossed again. We bumped into each other a few
times. Once, a few weeks ago, we arranged to have lunch together and
afterwards we walked around town together while X did some shopping and
stuff. It was a great afternoon, chatting and catching up on each
other's news and generally enjoying each other's company. Over the
course of the few hours that we spent together, my infatuation grew back
to its full strength. I only realised this when as soon as X got her bus
I felt such a strong desire to be with her again. I knew then that I
would have to tell her how I felt; if I didn't then we would just grow
apart again.

Our paths crossed again today. We went for a bite to eat and had a good
conversation about lots of different stuff. During this, I mentioned the
technique of dealing with infatuation by blunting stating your feelings
and waiting to hear the "thanks but I don't fancy you" repsonse which
would kill the feelings. She admired the technique and said that she
wished she could find the courage to do something similar whenever she
was infatuated with somebody. Then I changed the subject slightly: from
the general to the more specific. "I fancy you and I need you to tell me
that you don't fancy me so that my infatuation can die and we can be
friends." (Yes, I said it about as bluntly as that and all my words were
rushed together and I could feel a tremor in my hands.)

She looked at me embarrassed and didn't speak for a while. This was
_not_ the expected response. I got nervous. I looked at her and she
understood that I expected her to say something. "I'm not sure that I
heard you correctly. Could you say that again please?" I did.
"You're right. I don't fancy you." I thanked her for saying that. I was
beginning to feel better already, though I could still feel myself
shaking a bit. "Phew. I'm glad to get that off my chest." Having gotten
the embarrasing bit over with, we started to talk about our
relationship over the past year. X had thought that I had fancied her
but hadn't said anything. We traced back over various incidents, like
the time on New Year's eve when I had reached over to give her a hug
and she stiffened up, thinking that I was trying to kiss her. And I
told her about my dating a mutual friend, Y, of ours (also from the L&G
society) but didn't tell X at the time since I had felt as if I was
being unfaithful to her.  "That's strange. Y never said anything about
your relationship to me." "That's probably because she fancied you
too."
<Surprise, bordering on shock> "She did?! Oh, I never knew that."
We laughed.

After the food, we went for a drink. The conversation kept returning to
my unspoken infatuation for her over the past year: incidents related
to it, and how not speaking about it had adversely affected our
relationship. This line of conversation was not forced, nor was it
difficult or awkward to discuss. It brought us closer together and made
us more comfortable with each other. At various points during the
evening I had an enormous grin on my face because I was so happy: the
painful infatuation is gone, a weight has been lifted from me and I had
a closer friend.

We left the pub and walked back to the bus-stop. Usually when we part we
have a hug and I'll kiss her; just a peck on the lips or the cheek. This
time we hugged and, as the Subject: line says, she kissed me. It was a
peck on the lips as usual, but it was not a reserved peck on the lips,
borne out of social custom; the body language in her kiss told me that
it was given because she _wanted_ to give it; it called me "Friend,"
and it did so with trust.


Ciaran.
-- 
Ciaran McHale                                                             ----
Department of Computer Science, Trinity College, Dublin 2, Ireland.       \bi/
Telephone: +353-1-7021539 FAX: +353-1-772204 email: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie \/
Newsgroups: soc.bi