From: sallyb@qiclab.scn.rain.com (Sally Bowley)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Tools for dealing with asar/life
Date: 20 Aug 92 07:08:21 GMT
Organization: SCN Research/Qic Laboratories of Tigard, Oregon.

In article <1992Aug19.222638.10677@wam.umd.edu> sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri) writes:
>In article <1992Aug19.154358.24010@u.washington.edu> taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu (Allen D. Taylor) writes:
>>Another very important tool that I learned to use was to not use 'you'
>>sentences but to use 'I' sentences.  By way of example:  some one wrote in
>>to say that "Relkie is manipulative."  I cannot make such a statement
>>because I cannot read Relkies mind to determine what her motives where
>>when she wrote what sounded like manipulation to that person.  What *I*
>>said was "I feel manipulated by Relkie's posting."  What's the difference
>>you might be asking?  1) I do not know if Relkie was being manipulative or
>>not.  2)  If she was or not, there is nothing I can do to change her
>>behavior.  3)  My perception is the only reality I have,  I can look at
>>what was written and ask myself _why_ I feel manipulated.  I can then make
>>an intelligent and rational reaction within my own reality.  A reaction
>>that I alone am responsible for.  4)  Even if Relkie was intending to
>>manipulate me and I choose to react in the way Relkie wanted me to, THAT
>>IS MY CHOICE, not Relkies.
>>
>
>This is excellent.  Actually, something about 'I' statements and 'you' 
>statements gets posted during most difficult times on asar.  I think
>it's still plenty hard at times to hear "I feel manipulated by that post"
>or "I feel really angry after reading this", but I know that when I
>feel like people are attributing all kinds of negative motivations to
>me for saying whatever it was I said, it can really be too much to deal
>with.  

yes, this *is* excellent. and it is how i should have phrased my
posts. this began to occur to me when dan told sim that he was wrong
in saying that relkie was being manipulative; my thoughts were "it's
not really a matter of who's right and who's wrong - it's how i
*feel*. and i did feel i was being manipulated. and along with that 
went the assumption that relkie knew she was being manipulative -
which of course, i cannot assume. and i certainly agree that i am
responsible for my own reaction to such stimuli; it was my choice to
react the way i did and i fully own that, "right or wrong". wry grin -
i've often said to myself and others when i or they have complained
that another has made me/them feel a certain way, that one is
responsible for one's feelings - one will only feel that way if one
allows oneself. 

so maybe i can take this as an opportunity to learn another lesson. 
relkie, what i should have said was, i *felt* manipulated by you and
not "you are being manipulative". i will think more about why i
allowed myself to feel this way and be more careful about how i phrase
things, and maybe you could think more about how you come across to
people? 

and thank you allen for reminding me of something known, but
overlooked for a while.
sally

>If someone feels manipulated by one of my posts, I will accept some 
>responsibility for figuring out why and trying to change as long as I
>can be gently helped to do so.  I will not feel that I need to drop everything
>and work on my manipulation issues.  Now I'm starting to fear that
>I might be just making things worse by going on.  I'll stop for now and
>think about it more.
>
>>All of this starts, for me, by saying "I feel ..." rather that "She is ..."
>>
>>Relkie, Prisoner, Don, Bear, and everyone else on asar whose names I can't
>>at the moment remember, I hope this doesn't come across as picking on
>>anyone.  I too, am a survivor, this is one of the tools I have learned to
>>use to help me deal with the world in a rational manner.  If it is of some
>>help to you, then use it.  If it is not relevent to your reality, then so
>>be it. 
>>
>>Peace, Love and serenity to all.
>>
>>--Allen
>>
>
>The above goes for me, too.  Although I must admit that I've often been
>found manipulatively demanding that everyone talk like I do.  I really
>hope I haven't just been doing that again.
>
>SHerri
>
>
>
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