From: mrynders@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu (Maurice Rynders)
Subject: Re: WANTED: Temporary Thai Wife
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 04:59:00 GMT

In article <16640@auspex-gw.auspex.com> tstil@Auspex.COM (Tim Stilwell) writes:
>
> Sawasdee Khrup Tuk Kon
>
> My wife is still in Thailand and I miss her already.  She was unable to return
> with me because of some small matter regarding immigration laws.  Anyway, I
> appreciate all of the wonderful things she has done for me and I was wondering
> if someone would be willing to substitute for her until she is able to come.
>
> I remember my friend Bill married a Korean woman.  When she went to visit
> her sister for 2 weeks, she had two friends visit everyday to care for Bill.
> One woman cleaned the house and washed his clothes daily.  The other woman
> cooked all 3 meals.  Believe it or not!  I just happened to stop by on a
> Saturday to see if Bill wanted to play catch with a baseball and noticed
> the change of scenery and got his explanation as well as a free lunch.  :-)
>
> Anyway, I am joking about the temporary wife.  Really!  :-)
> I just wanted to point out the difference in treatment and ask if anybody
> knows if I can continue to expect this high level of service or should I
> wake up now?  (the honeymoon is over)
>
> Picture this:
>
> A boy has not had a mother since age 6.  He has been cooking for himself
> and caring for himself since age 19.  He is now age 28.  He is American
> (independent)
>
> He goes to visit his fiancee.  After discussing the dowry, her mother
> allows him to stay at the family home.  The fiancee unpacks all of his
> clothes and hides them in various closets.  All future dirty clothes
> also mysterious vanish (to be cleaned, ironed and presented later).
>
> Suppose he showers and wants to change into clean clothes?  Can he find
> his clothes and select some to wear?  Would you search through someone
> else's closets looking for your clothes?  Rude by American standards,
> so instead he waits and requests clean clothes.  The fiancee selects
> specific clothes and recommends them.  She even says, "Wait, this needs
> to be ironed first."  He doesn't even have to help wash them.  :-)
> Could he obtain better treatment from a 5 star hotel?  Probably not.
> Would he be just as uncomfortable?  Yes.  Why?  Because Americans are
> used to doing things by themselves and for themselves.  This boy just
> sacrificed the freedom to chose his own clothes and to know where
> they are (in case he wants to look at them) and to clean them (maybe
> she won't do as good a job).  Definitely different!  American girls
> would say, "You may put your clothes over there.  Here is the iron if
> you need to use it.  You can wash your clothes in that room there or
> you can visit the Dry Cleaner's down the street.  They charge $0.75/shirt."
>
> Suppose he is hungry.  Would you search through someone else's kitchen
> or refrigerator and select some food to eat?  Rude by American standards,
> even if she told you it was ok.  Still rude.  The fiancee or her mother
> purchases all food and prepares all meals.  She and her sisters regularly
> check up on him during the meal and continue to fill his plate and glass, 
> "Pi Tim, would you like more of this?"  Uncomfortable yes.  Is life
> difficult when 2 or more women are constantly staring at his face to see
> if he is content or needs anything?  Yes.  Why?  Because Americans are
> not used to all this attention.  This boy just sacrificed the freedom
> to choose the foods he wants and to eat only as much as he wants.  "Pi
> Tim, finish your plate."  It is hard to think when you are constantly
> under observation.  Definitely different!  American girls would
> say, "Help yourself." or "The store is in that direction." or "Hurry up!
> and clear the table when you finish."
>
> Suppose he wants a snack or is thirsty.  So he says, "Honey, I am
> thirsty."  She is busy talking with friends or cleaning or working.  Does
> she say, "There's fresh cold water (or soda) in the refrigerator."?  No.
> Does she say, "Sorry, we don't have anything.  You will have to go to the
> store."?  No.  She tells him to sit down and relax, then drops everything  
> and goes to get it and pour it into a glass in front of him.  If she is
> real busy, she commands another sister or the youngest brother to go and
> perform the task.  Uncomfortable.  Yes.  Why?  Am I a king with servants?
> No.  Americans believe in democracy.  Democracy is more than just free
> elections.  It is EQUALITY!  Thailand will never ever have democracy
> because Thais do NOT believe in equality.  You cannot have equality if
> you have servants or a caste system.  If you do, then it is NOT democracy.
> It is British living.  (just teasing Khun Laurence :-)  Thais concerned
> about democracy should really study in Great Britain not in America.
>
> Anyway, are they treating me extra nice or as we say in America, am I
> getting away with murder?  Or is this "normal" Thai behavior?
>
> Your comments are appreciated.
>
> tim
>
Interesting piece of prose. But is the girl doing out of conviction that
she HAS to do it, or because, on total freedom, she actually WANTS to do
this. Does doing this for her (future) husband make her feel good/happy
about what she does? Or does she, deep inside, feel that this just is
her fate, because she is a lady? THAT's what I would like to know.

See, my wife almost always does dishes, laundry, irons my clothes, cooks,
etc. She even peels my grapefruits! (She says I can't do it right.)
There's hardly anything left to do for me, I don't even get the chance.
OK, I'm prety darn busy myself, but still: should I now feel guilty? I
love this lady, *I* don't want her to be my slave. These kind of
thoughts used to make me feel quite uncomfortable, as you mentioned
above. But I now feel that she does it without any negative feelings,
and just because she wants to. (THAT's what matters, of course.) 

So, how did I cope with my feelings of guilt? I found that I should just
do the same: whenever I see or realize that there is something I can do
for HER, I do it. IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD! Funny, ain't it? That's love, I
guess. Tim, ol' boy, the lady cares 4 U like no other. DON'T get used to
it. You'll start taking it for granted. Work hard to make her life rich
and I predict that your relation will be fruitful, enjoyable and last
forever!

MCR 1/27/93
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Maurice C. Rynders, Department of Visual sciences, School of Optometry, 
Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana 47405  
(812)855-9709 (office)  (812)857-6799 (home)  (812)855-6616 (fax)  
		e-mail: mrynders@ucs.indiana.edu
		         "20/20, 4U2!"   
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