HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 04:50:25 -0400 
From: "Bartosz M. Blacha" <bb2q+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Lada jokes

We are laughing at Ladas, but in Russia people can't even get those.
What can you say about a country where $5 A WEEK is a lot?
( I come from Poland, so I know how things are over there.)
Anyway, this is n.r.humor.

"Do you know that Comrade Chernoy got a Lada last week?"
"yeah.Why?"  "He died yesterday!"  "In an accident?"
"No, of starvation!"

American:"After I bought my Corvette, I had to stop betting in horse races!"
Englishman:"To buy my custom-made Rolls Royce, I had to sell my estate in 
Wales!"
Russian:"After I bought my Lada, my family ate only bread and butter!"
Those two:"You idiot, why did you buy such an expensive car?..."

Oh well, the Englishman and the Russian borrow each other's cars.
A week later they meet in... heaven.  What happened?
Englishman:"I couldn't control the car, brakes locked, I drove into a tree,
the seatbelts let go and here I am!" (*)
Russian:"I didn't hear the engine working, so I opened the door and got out!"

(*) I've actually driven an FSO 1500 (Polish version of Lada) in Poland.
 Worse than...well, still better than a Trabant, which a friend of mine
had, and I could NOT drive.
Can share experiences.





 ______________________________________________________________               
/               /       \ "We should not let ourselves be burnt           
|            ////       |  for our opinions:  we are not that  
|      \\  ////////     |  sure of them.  But perhaps for this: 
|     \\\\/////////     |  that we may *have* and *change*
|    |\| _     _ |/|    |  our opinions."         
|    |o (0)   (0) o|    |  
|     \     A      /    |  Neechy
|     /|////^\\\\|\     |  
| /////|////~\\\\|\\\\\ |  (if you know more than how to 
|//     \__   __/     \\|  spell that, write to me!)
|          \_/          |  bb2q+@andrew.cmu.edu
|       FRIEDRICH       |
\_______________________/___________________________________
From: jdare@math.rutgers.edu (James Ananda Dare)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Looking For Gay Limericks
Date: 28 Sep 92 01:58:42 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

Didn't know limericks had any sexual orientation!
From: tom@ecst.csuchico.edu (Sicilian Mob Type)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: 10,000  QUESTION PURITY TEST--PLEASE READ !!!!!
Date: 6 Oct 92 07:03:47 GMT
Organization: California State University, Chico
NNTP-Posting-Host: cscihp.ecst.csuchico.edu

In article <1992Oct6.002306.13833@cc.uow.edu.au> pidoy@cc.uow.edu.au writes:
>	This is serious man ! . I had a copy of the 15,000-question 
>  purity test and if anybody want t have a  copy , please call me on
>  (042) 284 -022. I you are living in the southern hemisphere then fine
>  if not .. then .. sorry  :-)
>
>
>	Jun


    Well hey, if you pencil-neck geeks live in the norther hemisphere......I
    I have this friend, who sister's boyfriend's father's friend knows this guy
    who's mom, that use to work for Disney Land but quit, that lives with her
    husband whose boss has a copy of the purtity test.  If you have time
    to get in touch with each of these people let me know.  If not move to the
    southern hemisphere where the test seems readily available. 
                                         
From: mort@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Jeff Mortensen)
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 02:19:55 GMT
Subject: Re: Re: REQUEST: Cemetery jokes
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Fort Collins, CO, USA
Newsgroups: rec.humor


> zuniga@loligo.cc.fsu.edu (Ralph Zuniga (FREAC/CAR)) writes:
> 
> 
> >	It may seem rather morbid but I'm looking
> >	for jokes that have a cemetery (graveyard)
> >	as a background.
> 
	How many morticians does it take to screw in a light bulb?


	None!  they don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in coffins.> 
> -- 
> 
Xref: sparky rec.humor:30180 talk.politics.misc:49019
From: madsere@okys.infoserv.com (Rene Madsen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.politics.misc
Subject: Re: A SAD JOKE!
Date: 29 Sep 92 17:29:37 GMT
Followup-To: talk.politics.misc
Distribution: usa
Organization: Brackton Ltd. Luxembourg

In article <N9w-C2=@engin.umich.edu>, jwh@citi.umich.edu (Jim Howe) writes:
> In article <1992Sep21.134036.10562@hemlock.cray.com>, rja@redwood26.cray.com (Russ Anderson) writes:
> |> 
> |> In article <1992Sep21.134132.3014@cbnews.cb.att.com>, webdw@cbnews.cb.att.com (bruce.d.woods) writes:
> |> > Forgive me Professor Clinton, I'm just a student,
> |> > but I'd like to summarize your recent lectures:
> |> > 

Whoops, nother joke turning into a political discussion. Why don't you
folks read the Newsgroups: line before you followup.

This is REC.HUMOR. Lets have some fun please.


-- 
Rene Madsen                
Unix Systems Support/Dev.       
madsere@okys.infoserv.com      
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: me_f316@ceres (+-=NUBIAN=-+)
Subject: Re: Questions of the Universe
Organization: Your Girlfriend's Bedside
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 12:06:11 GMT

jreynold@nmt.edu (John Reynolds) writes:
: Here's a good question for the universe.....
: 
: How come you never *see* the money in pay-phones being collected???

Sad to say
I have seen this on many occasions, so sorry

--
sig on strike

__________
|MORE PAY|
----T-----
    |
    |
    |
    |
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: hansen@deci.cs.umn.edu (David M. Hansen)
Subject: Re: just a joke...
Organization: University of Minnesota
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 14:48:23 GMT

In article <92274.124843MGW104@psuvm.psu.edu>, Matt Wright <MGW104@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
|> The funniest thing I ever heard in my mind's ear:
|> 
|>          President Bill Clinton (Ha!ha!ha!)
|> 
|>                                            MATT

Reminds me of a short bit on SNL (I think it was SNL) back during the 1980
presidential campaign.  It was a spoof commercial 'for' the Republican 
candidate.  It started with a still shot of the White House, when the following
words were overlayed on the screen and were spoken by a narrator:

     President Ronald Reagan

There was a short pause, then the following words were also spoken and 
displayed below the first words:

        Think about it

It was completely deadpan and 'serious.' 

Well, _I_ thought it was funny...  Maybe I didn't tell it right.  Or maybe
we actually had to live through it...


                                 -=Dave
From: JIMSTAN@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: BEST for election '92
Date: 7 Oct 92 01:19:32 GMT
Organization: Stanford Linear Accelerator Center


>In article <deuelpm.717868192@craft.camp.clarkson.edu>
>> deuelpm@craft.camp.clarks
>>I heard on the radio this morning that there was
>> a congressional election
>>in Arizona which ended up in a tie vote.  Apparently,
>> in Arizona, it is
>>allowed to settle the tie with a game of chance.
>> The opponents (in "Old
>>West" fashon, the newsreader said) played 5-card stud.
>>
>>The Republican won with a pair of 7's.
>>
>In Article: <1992Oct6.135839.19371@njitgw.njit.edu>
>lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu (lawrence finkel cis stnt)
>I've always viewed elections as a big Crap shoot,
> ( and don't we ever have
>a lot of crap to shoot at? ). I think that we should
> allow the candidates to
>enter a game of American Gladiator with the winner
> being the electee.
>Then again Poker or roulette wouldn't be bat methods
> for selection either.

How about Russian Roulette?

/-----------------------------------------------------:)-<(:------------\
|Jim Stanfield Bin 30      Jim Stanfield                                |
|SLAC                      811A Alvarado                                |
|P.O. Box 4349             San Francisco, CA 94114                      |
|Stanford,CA 94305         [415] 641-4948 evening     What is the sound |
|[415] 926-2461                                       of one Universe   |
|e-mail JIMSTAN@SLACVM.slac.stanford.edu              rhyming?          |
\_______________________________________________________________________/
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: - call for lada jokes
From: srgpgct@grace.dsir.govt.nz
Date: 28 Sep 92 17:36:45 +1200
Organization: DSIR, Gracefield, New Zealand

OK-
Here's another one:

Q: Why do lada's have rear window heaters?
A: So you don't get cold hands when you are pushing them....

Gary 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: brom@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (David Bromage)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Date: 6 Oct 92 23:40:57 GMT
Organization: Monash University General Access Unix
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]

Livy (jhsegal@wiscon.weizmann.ac.il) wrote:
: In article <VANDER.92Oct3184232@vancouver.stars.flab.Fujitsu.co.jp> vander@flab.fujitsu.co.jp (Mike van der Velden) writes:
: >
: >I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this yet, but one of the
: >funniest things about Americans is their system of measurement!
: >
: >16 ounces = 1 pound (where did the abbrev "lb" come from, anyway?)

Latin, librum, or scales (or some such). cf Libra

Later derived into the British pound (money) symbol.

David B.
Xref: sparky rec.humor:30145 alt.fan.monty-python:7286
From: gw@washington.burial.site (George Washington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Re: dead president sketch
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 20:15:20 GMT
Organization: united.state.of.american
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.22.68.65

In article <sprooney.717923802@unix1.tcd.ie> sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie (Simon Rooney) writes:
>From: sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie (Simon Rooney)
>Subject: Re: dead president sketch
>Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 07:16:42 GMT
>>>>>This is an ex-sketch.
>>>>>
>>>>>IOSnm
>>>>>(ncie)
>>>>BURN HIM!!! 
>>>>Oops...wrong group, eh?
>>>nono. Feel free, torch me.
>>Is that "torch" or "touch"? Wink wink.
>Take it which way you want.


I'll take mine sunny side up with a smattering of diced ham on the  side. 
better yet, make that overeasy with some butter,
no, on second thought, make that a poached and toast,
oh, bugger all.

just give me some spam with mint jam.

>
>>>Hold on!
>>><woof>
>>Hey! Simon crisp! My favorite!
>OK.. just watch out for the...  <<<<AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!>>>

which way do i turn when i reach this "<<<<AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh!>>"?

>
>>>>Ratboy
>>><MSio..n
>>Rtbaoy
>Nose 'Im.

nay, i'll rather have it in a pine.
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Speed of dark
Date: 28 Sep 92 18:25:02 GMT
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada

>david@c-cat.UUCP (dave) writes:
>>
>> There is no such thing as darkenss, only lack of light!
>

This is a matter of definition.  Let's define light as lack of darkness.

And we could even say that darkness is more powerful than light.
Take a closed room and add a door.  First, put some light inside.
Then, isolate the room (cut any wire).  If you used electric light,
it is turned off.  Now, wait for some time.  If using some burning
device, it will extinguished.  After a while, room is in dark.
Thus, light lasts for some time, but darkness is more powerfull
and can ever kill light, but light can only make darkness sleep.

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Genealogiste officiel : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Un Quebec renouvele dans une Amerique renovee
\_.-===                                                  Opinions ? Et pis non !
From: rybicki@uctvax.uct.ac.za
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: (was it A SAD JOKE?!)
Date: 2 Oct 92 18:42:05 GMT
Article-I.D.: uctvax.1992Oct2.164206.202963
Distribution: usa
Organization: University of Cape Town

In article <1992Sep30.181715.26187@brtph560.bnr.ca>, bcronk@bnr.ca (Bryan Cronk P125) writes:
> |>   Clinton/Gore just don't "get it": in this economic environment we
> |>   cannot afford to do things which make it more expensive and less
> |>   likely for companies to hire people.  
> |> 
> |> 
> |> ---peter
> 
> Get this thread out of rec.humor.  There are plenty of other news groups
> for those who want to argue about politics.  There's absolutely nothing
> humorous about the state of the economy or how little Bush has done to
> improve it.

....except inasmuch as the whole of the US election campaign can be considered
as some vast, dark, cosmic joke....


 _________________________________________________________________________
|                                 |                                       |
|  Ed Rybicki                     |    Now you've got the hang of it      |
|  Dept Microbiology              | There's nothing you can't do with it  |
|  University of Cape Town        |         If you're very into it        |
|  PB Rondebosch 7700             |         You can't go wrong....        |
|  South Africa                   |                                       |
|  fax 27 21 650 4023             |              - Mad John               |
|  ed@micro.uct.ac.za             | (Ogden's Nut-Gone Flake, Small Faces) |
|_________________________________|_______________________________________|
From: rajain@ecs.umass.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: cascades, and how to avoid them purple
Date: 30 Sep 92 11:28:28 GMT

In article <1992Sep30.011320.15121@schbbs.mot.com>, CENG51@maccvm.corp.mot.com (Craig Witkowski) writes:
>>In article 6740@newshost.anu.edu.au, herm@coombs.anu.edu.au (Herman H. Fredriks
>>>> titus@coombs.anu.edu.au (titus chiu) writes:
>>>>> herm@coombs.anu.edu.au (Herman H. Fredriksson) writes:
>>>>>> rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold) writes:
>>>>>>>s7356911@deimos.ucc.umass.edu (DYLYN) writes:
>>>>>>>Avoid cascades -- end all your lines with ``purple''!
>>>>>>"Bug" won't rhyme, but do you think "burp"'ll?
>>>>>Cant find a rhyme, why not ask Steve Urkle?
>>>>And get him to sing the Yankee Doodle!
>>>gotta say finding a rhyme is a battle!
>>And take the choicest cuts of cattle!
> In your car blast Heavy Metal
First, I got a score to settle $

 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: usenet@inesc.pt (USENET News System)
Subject: Re: Mathematician joke
Reply-To: jota@iguana.inesc.pt (Joao Pedro Martins)
Organization: INESC - Inst. Eng. Sistemas e Computadores, LISBOA, PORTUGAL.
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 17:05:28 GMT

In article <8emZWT200VpH035l8B@andrew.cmu.edu> "Bartosz M. Blacha" <bb2q+@andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
>
>
>This is the favorite joke of my high school physics teacher, who was
>really cool, until he retired and became a drunkard:
>
>
>An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are hiking in the
>mountains in Scotland..
>They see a black sheep.
>The astronomer says, "Gee, there are  black sheep in Scotland!"
>The physician says, "you can't say that, all you can say is that on this
>mountain there is a black sheep."
>The mathematician shouts, "Are you crazy?  That's bullshit!  All you can
>say is that on this slope of this mountain there is a sheep whose ONE
>SIDE is black!!!"
to which the chemist replied, "for some period of time..."


----
 Joao Pedro Martins, Lisboa, Portugal - jota@tutor.inesc.pt
 
 "Carpe Diem, she muttered, and laughed. We seize the day.	
  Well, sometimes, the day seizes back !" (--FORGOT--)
From: david@c-cat.UUCP (dave)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Speed of dark
Date: 30 Sep 92 21:33:29 GMT
Organization: Intergalactic Rest Area For Weary Travellers

beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard) writes:

;-) >david@c-cat.UUCP (dave) writes:
;-) >>
;-) >> There is no such thing as darkenss, only lack of light!
;-) >
;-) 
;-) This is a matter of definition.  Let's define light as lack of darkness.
;-) 
;-) And we could even say that darkness is more powerful than light.
;-) Take a closed room and add a door.  First, put some light inside.
;-) Then, isolate the room (cut any wire).  If you used electric light,
;-) it is turned off.  Now, wait for some time.  If using some burning
;-) device, it will extinguished.  After a while, room is in dark.
;-) Thus, light lasts for some time, but darkness is more powerfull
;-) and can ever kill light, but light can only make darkness sleep.
;-) 
Looks like this is leading into a religious discussion, darkness
is stronger then light. Light is better than dark. well lets take
this over to alt.satan or alt.religion for a more in depth discussion.
sorry rec.humor heads.

OHC:

wadda you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the campfire ?

bernie...



ready.....aim......fire.........

                                                       -David

China Cat System     
(301)604-5976 8N1
david@sandr.com 
...uunet!sandr!cherise!c-cat!david
From: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu (lawrence finkel cis stnt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: The *best* we can do for Election '92
Date: 6 Oct 92 13:58:39 GMT
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J.

In article <deuelpm.717868192@craft.camp.clarkson.edu> deuelpm@craft.camp.clarkson.edu (Hobbit) writes:
>I heard on the radio this morning that there was a congressional election
>in Arizona which ended up in a tie vote.  Apparently, in Arizona, it is
>allowed to settle the tie with a game of chance.  The opponents (in "Old
>West" fashon, the newsreader said) played 5-card stud.
>
>The Republican won with a pair of 7's.
>
I've always viewed elections as a big Crap shoot, ( and don't we ever have
a lot of crap to shoot at? ). I think that we should allow the candidates to
enter a game of American Gladiator with the winner being the electee.
Then again Poker or roulette wouldn't be bat methods for selection either.

-- 
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
#                     Lawrence Finkel: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu                 #
#   "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."   #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: hill@spot.Colorado.EDU (Michael Hill)
Subject: Re: Wanted: Native jokes
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 20:31:35 GMT

In article <1992Sep23.093609.2339@brandonu.ca> cowieson@brandonu.ca writes:
>	I started a university class last night in Native Studies.
>Our instructor told us we can increase our mark by 2% (I know it's 
>not much, but I'll take what I can) if we tell a Native joke.  I 
>am trying to find a Native joke that isn't (too) offensive.  Help 
>me out here people!!  These seem to be hard to come by.

The Hispanics of Central (and possibly South) America tell Indian jokes
about *their* indigenous populations, too.  Here's one, translated (in
more than one sense) to the US:

This two Indians go into a modern town for the first time and is looking
around at all the wonderful sights.  He goes into a toy store and starts
oohing and aahing at the various toys.  Suddenly, he grabs a hammer and
starts smashing a model train layout.  When store security finally 
manages to restrain him, the store manager yells, "Why were you damaging
my property?!"

The Indian replies, "Because when they grow up, they kill my cows!"

			--Michael

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Hill   <><  Isaiah 9:6 | "Living martyr, truer than the seasons
hill@spot.Colorado.EDU         |  No more place for lies
                               |  Cast a seed, push aside the reason
University of Colorado@Boulder |  Reign of terror dies"
$ mv net.flames /dev/null      |         --King's X, "Out of the Silent Planet"
-------------------------My boss is a Jewish carpenter!------------------------
Did you ever notice that everybody in favor of abortion has already been born?!
From: st1ns@elroy.uh.edu (Ault, Russell W.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Atheists
Date: 1 Oct 92 00:36:00 GMT
Organization: University of Houston
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Sep29.210147.27198@slate.mines.colorado.edu>, cmussack@slate.mines.colorado.edu (MUSSACK CHRISTOPHER ) writes...
>What do atheists do about getting babysitters?

Hire them from a reputable service in the yellow pages, just like people
who have used a church babysitting service often learn to do.

>Even if there are atheist bulletins that listed the
>names and phone numbers of kids willing to babysit, when
>and how would they be distributed?

Enough of them get hung on my doorknob in a week to wallpaper a small room.

>Not to mention where they would hold the CPR class.]

At the hospital, where the instructors know what they're doing.

> 
>Just wondering,

Now you know.


ObQuayleJoke a la Top Ten List:
  How can you tell when Dan Quayle has been using your computer?
  1.  White-out on the screen.
  2.  TV Guide laying on keyboard and post-it note on screen saying,
     "How do you work the remote controle on this thing?"
  3.  Disks labelled with crayons.
  4.  Machine left running with "Press any key to continue..." prompt
     on screen.
  5.  Marilyn is sitting there restoring your files when you get back.
  6.  All filenames now end in 'e'.
  7.  Don't worry, he couldn't use it, he thinks "reboot" is something
     you send in proofs-of-purchase to get.
  8.  Keycaps have been pulled off and put back in almost alphabetical 
     order.
  9.  Computer acts positively *glad* to see you!
 10.  System has reassigned stdin to /dev/null.




If it's green, it's Biology.
If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
If it stinks and it doesn't work, it's Poli Sci.
If it's green and it stinks, it's Business Admin.
If it's green and doesn't work, it's Economics.
If it's green, stinks, and doesn't work, it's a Federally Funded Program.
Organisation: European Space Technology Centre (E.S.T.E.C)
Date: Wednesday, 30 Sep 1992 17:40:09 CET
From: <TPATTERS@ESTEC.BITNET>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Bowling Wit Wanted...
 <1992Sep29.211002.5601@worldbank.org>

Our old 5-a-side soccer team was the  F'All Stars(F standing for F**K).
And yes we did have f'all stars on our team - we lost every game!! 8-)

Tim
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.drugs
From: deuelpm@craft.camp.clarkson.edu (Hobbit)
Subject: Candy corn: an Explanation, please
Keywords: candy,corn,munchies,halloween
Organization: Clarkson University
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 15:20:21 GMT


My wife and I were discussing tonight the "candy corn."  You know, candy
corn--that white-orange-yellow stuff shaped like a road pylon that is only sold
at halloween. . .

* * *

What we wondering is this:  Which end is the top?  And Why?

* * *

If you get Brach's, you'll see that it is vaguely molded into a shape.  (Come
to think of it, what shape is that--corn?)  But this raises the question that I
posed above.  Really, if I eat the candy corn white to yellow (or white to
orange if you eat that "toasted" candy corn), am I eating it top-to-bottom or
bottom to top?

This question is *very* important this time of year, and especially right 
now. . .


I'll be looking for some really neat-o posts of the answer.  Sorry, no prize,
except you might have the chance to make someone laugh their butts off!  %)

Thanks much,


Pete (and Tracy)
--
=====================================
deuelpm@craft.camp.clarkson.edu
=====================================
"*Regret* is a rough sheet to sleep on."  -Herman Brooks