HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Hope for the Houston Oilers
From: ron@devnull.mpd.tandem.com (Ron Boerger)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Told to me in a somewhat different form by a co-worker, Woody Hall:

The Houston Oilers set a new record for futility/choking in the NFL last 
weekend, blowing a 35-3 lead and losing 41-38.  There's still hope for the
team; a businessman from the Phillipines wants to buy the team and move them
over there.  The new name for the team?  The Manila Folders.

-- 
Ron Boerger        Unix System Admin, Tandem Computers, Austin Texas USA 78728
+1 (512) 244-8414  ron@mpd.tandem.com  -or-  cs.utexas.edu!halley!ron

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From: ccollins@sol.uvic.ca (Caroline Collins)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Canadian's perspective on the U.S.
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 5 Jan 93 00:30:03 GMT
Organization: University of Victoria, Victoria, B.C. CANADA

Teacher in Anytown, U.S.A.:  ...and the United States is the BEST country
	in the world because we have the BEST natural resources, the BEST
	scientists, the BEST music, the BEST goverment, and the BEST healthcare
	system!

Young student: But what about Canada?

Teacher: Very good!  We have the BEST free-trade agreement, too!



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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: karplus@cse.ucsc.edu (Kevin Karplus)
Subject: insurance that doesn't pay
Keywords: smirk

When I was working at Cornell University, I was amused to discover that one of 
the benefits was a Voluntary Death and Dismemberment Plan.
Even after it was explained to me that this was an insurance plan (not a
direct benefit), I still wasn't sure when they would pay a claim.

Kevin Karplus

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Date: Wed, 6 Jan 93 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Newscaster of the Month
Organization: Somewhere in The Twilight Zone, Vancouver, B.C
From: elloco@tz.ucs.sfu.ca (Alistair Calder)
Keywords: topical, smirk, true

After being found guilty on numerous counts of murder, convicted killer
Westley Dodd was scheduled to hang at exactly 12:00am on January 5th, 
1993, and it had become quite a big story here in Washington/B.C.
 
The evening news was doing a running broadcast from the Penitentiary in 
Walla Walla, Washington, giving up to the minute details about the first 
hanging in North America since 1965.
 
At midnight, the news anchor looked off the set for a moment, then turned
to the camera and said:
 
"Well, there is no official word on Dodd's scheduled execution, so it 
seems his fate is up in the air for now....uh...no pun intended."
 
--
alistair_calder@tz.ucs.sfu.ca 

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Date: Mon, 11 Jan 93 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: RGOLDSTONE@oavax.csuchico.edu (Robin Goldstone)
Subject: it is right unless it is wrong
Keywords: smirk, true

The following is taken from a California Department of Motor Vehicles Title
Transfer application.

Federal law requires that you state the mileage upon transfer of ownership.  
Failure to complete or providing false statement may result in fines and/or
imprisonment.

The odometer now reads |_||_||_|,|_||_||_| which is the actual mileage unless
one of the following statements is checked:

                 WARNING - ODOMETER DISCREPANCY

|_| Odometer reading is not the actual mileage.


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Date: Wed, 6 Jan 93 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Why women want Wesley Allen Dodd
From: dbj@cs.washington.edu (Dave Johnson)
Keywords: topical, smirk, offensive


Because he's well-hung AND stiff.


(Wesley Allen Dodd is the guy who was hanged this morning 
 in Washington state for killing three young boys)

--Dave Johnson, dbj@cs.washington.edu

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From: denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevbo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Is is powder, then?
Keywords: topical, smirk, true
Date: 7 Jan 93 00:30:03 GMT

I just saw the ad for this new product:

	New Oil-free Oil Of Olay


Kevin

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From: x52126g2@usma8.usma.edu (Smith Andrew CDT)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Smegma
Keywords: chuckle, sexual, offensive
Date: 12 Jan 93 10:30:02 GMT

Jul fubhyq lbh arire rng bhg lbhe tveysevraq svefg guvat va gur zbeavat?

Unir lbh rire gevrq gb bcra n tevyyrq purrfr fnaqjvpu?

--
Andy Smith
x52126g2@usma8.usma.edu

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From: rob@msc.cornell.edu (Rob Vaughn)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Signs of fatigue
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 10 Jan 93 00:30:02 GMT

An original by my friend, Peter Soderquist, Electrical Engineering Grad at
Cornell U.

Checklist for Engineering Graduate Students
-------------------------------------------

Signs that you might be getting too little sleep:

 1.  You become convinced your clock radio is actually a computer terminal,
     and you need to finish your programming assignment on it NOW.

 2.  You become convinced that your mind is connected to the Internet
     and is being taken over by a worm.

 3.  You can hear different parts of your body talking to each other.

 4.  Objects in the room appear to rush at you and then recede from you
     suddenly and without warning.

 5.  You look at your clock radio and wonder what units the display is
     in: foot-pounds or cubic centimeters?

 6.  You look at your clock radio and wonder whether the time is given
     as a real or complex quantity.

 7.  You go to the restroom and forget why you went there.

 8.  You go to the restroom and forget the way back to your office.

 9.  You worry incessantly about doing the homework in classes you
     aren't even taking.

10.  You can't figure out which tube sock goes on which foot.

Note:  These are gleaned from actual experience.

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From: ftit@engin.umich.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Marketoidal Stuff
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 7 Jan 93 08:20:02 GMT

I went shopping for running shoes over break and was shown the latest
wonder from Nike: the "Air Icarus!"  What next?  Air Hindenberg?
Floating Titanic?

Did I tell you I didn't buy these shoes?

--Sergej Roytman


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Date: Fri, 8 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Engineering, CONVEX Computer Corp., Richardson, Tx., USA
From: thurlow@convex.com (Robert Thurlow)
Subject: Texas skiers
Keywords: chuckle

I found this in rec.skiing, in an article by Linda Rasmussen (raz@nmsu.edu)
about Texas skiers in Ruidoso, NM:

There's an ongoing banter back and forth between the natives and the
Texan visitors which is pretty well summed up by two bumperstickers
I've seen there:

1. If God wanted Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white!

2. If God wanted New Mexicans to ski he would have given them money.

--
Rob Thurlow, Networking Technical Leader
Convex Computer Corporation, Richardson, TX
(214) 497-4405		thurlow@convex.com

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From: tom_limoncelli@warren.mentorg.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Secret of Acceptance
Keywords: smirk, original
Date: 9 Jan 93 09:30:03 GMT

On the Drew University Alumni mailing list, Mike Richichi wrote:

> Tom Limoncelli gets his joke about handing a FAQ list to his dates posted
> on rec.humor.funny, and they rejected my "Ross Perot is a Ferengi" story.
> 
> Think about it, big ears, weird teeth, strange accent, ruthless devotion
> to business and profits, narrow eyes (at least one in Perot's case,) 
> height (or relative lack thereof,) it all fits.  Add in Perot's comment
> in the second debate about "some extraterrestrial coming down" and 
> screwing up the country, and it all fits.  But apparently it's not 
> funny enough.

So I answered...

I've had 5 jokes accepted in the last month.  Most are still in the
queue waiting to be posted.

I have to thank Tina for this.  We used to joke about who got the most
jokes accepted.  When I was down for the count, she got one accepted
and then coordinated tons of random people around the net to send me
mail rubbing it in my face.

That was the last straw.  I have now developed a special humor and
media lab where jokes are manufactured, beta tested, and the best ones
are selected to be submitted.  We've also hired a crack crew of
researchers to notice trends in what Brad likes and doesn't like.  For
example, someone noticed that he likes Monty Python references and Unix
jokes.  So, a beta tester posted a joke that basically was a rehash of,
"What is your name?  What is your quest?  What is your favorite color?"
scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail.  It went something like:

[...]

"What is your QUEST?"

"I quest to find the grail!"

"What is a lowercase letter that isn't a valid option to 'ls'?"

"BSD or AT&T Unix?"

"Uh, I don't know... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It got accepted immediately.

Well, now that the moderator is a new person, our crack crew of
experts has to re-tool and begin all over.  To do this, we need
more money.

Send your donations to:

     Help Tom Stay Funny
     P O Box 9345
     Madison, New Jersey 07940

Tom

-- 
Tom Limoncelli -- tal@warren.mentorg.com (work) -- tal@plts.uucp (play)

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Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: sybase!davidvc@sun.com (David Van Couvering)
Subject: Sharing injuries
Keywords: chuckle, heard it

Heard from a friend:

Two men are approaching eachother on a sidewalk.  Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk.  As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
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Date: Wed, 6 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: JNIGRIN@opie.bgsu.edu (Jon Nigrine)
Subject: Helpful Grammar checker
Keywords: smirk, computers, true

I was trying out one of those grammar checking programs the other day. 
It came upon the expression "not at all" in my document and issued 
the following advice:

    "not at all" -- Wordy expression.  Consider "not" or "by no means"
    instead.

I chose to ignore this sage counsel, especially the second part.  
Then, later in the document, the program said:

    "by no means" -- wordy expression.  Consider "not" or "not at all" 
    instead.


--
Jon Nigrine                   jnigrin@opie.bgsu.edu

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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 93 6:35:01 EST
From: JVOGEL@nhqvax.hq.nasa.gov
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: IRS, childrens stories, etc.
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 5 Jan 93 09:30:02 GMT

This is a story my 13 year old wrote as an assignment.
He was to re-write a common children's story.  He asked my wife and me
for what would be most terrifying to middle aged types.  Consider this
a collaboration with him as chief author.
 
                                                       John Vogel
                                                         10/19/92
                    The Three Middle-aged Pigs
 
        It was a dark and stormy night, the three little pigs had 
just turned thirty four so I guess you could call them the three 
middle-aged pigs.  It was then their father said"GET OUT OF 
HERE!!!  YOU'RE EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME." (Which is what 
pigs do, but the father was tired of it any way.)  So the three 
middle-aged pigs set out to make their fortunes. 
 
        The first middle-aged pig made a house of straw but 
unfortunately the big bad I.R.S. agent, B.B. Wolfe, formerly of 
Billem and Run came to his door.  "It seems that you have some 
undeclared income from your garbage collecting," said agent 
Wolfe.                    
 
         "But I was fired from that job two weeks ago for eating 
on the job?" replied the first middle-aged pig.
 
         "Yes, but the crime has already been done.  I'll have to 
confiscate your house and every thing in it," declared Wolfe.
 
      The second middle-aged pig was also visited by agent 
Wolfe. "You have been claiming excessive dependents.  We find 
thirty dependents hard to believe.  Can you produce them?"  
challenged agent Wolfe.
 
        "Yes I can," he said as he opened the freezer, proudly 
displaying the thirty packages of bacon.  "They're easier to keep 
this way and freezing is cheaper than college."
 
        "I'm sorry, I'll have to confiscate your house and the 
evidence," Wolfe said as he licked his lips.
 
        Later that same day the third middle-aged pig received a 
visit from agent Wolfe.  "It seems that you have some undeclared 
gambling winnings," agent Wolfe said as he looked through the gap 
in the door.
 
        "So what," said the Reverend Pig, "Do you want the bingo 
card or not?" 
 
        So agent Wolfe huffed and he puffed but he couldn't blow 
down the separation of church and state.
 
 
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Date: Sat, 9 Jan 93 3:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Sons of IBM OS/2 Fiesta Bowl
From: hpb@hpb.cis.pitt.edu (Harry Bloomberg)
Keywords: topical, chuckle

   After seeing the success of the IBM OS/2 Fiesta Bowl, the Open
Software Foundation (OSF) and Unix Systems Labs (USL) decided to jointly
sponsor the Unix Bowl.

   The effort was abandoned when neither side could agree on a set of
rules for the game.

   Microsoft also tried sponsoring a bowl game, but gave up when they
discovered that only one team at a time could play in the MS-DOS Bowl.

Harry Bloomberg
hpb@vms.cis.pitt.edu
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Date: Fri, 8 Jan 93 4:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: JRP1@phx.cam.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: Baby care
Keywords: original, smirk

Advice on baby care -- your questions answered.
 
Q. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a
Helium balloon that we have bought him.  It is called Mr Smiley and
has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps
playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon
rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more
interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr
Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a
lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed
adultery with Mr Smiley, and the baby is not my son at all?
 
A. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley
because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and
down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician
running for office, maybe.
 
Q. My baby is only one month old and can already speak fluent French.
So far the words he says are 'a', 'la', 'ou' and 'gout' (which of
course he pronounces correctly as 'goo'.) His English is more limited,
and he keeps trying to tell me something about 'glue'. Why is this?
 
A. This is well-known. All babies can speak fluent French at the age
of one month. Most of them forget it again. The fact that he is trying
to say 'chacun a son gout' probably means that he is reading your
books when you think he is asleep in his cot. However, I do not know
what he is trying to tell you about glue. On no account give him any
to sniff, and make sure he isn't sniffing it when your back is turned.
Tell-tale signs include a huge tube stuck in the nostrils.
 
Q. My wife drinks lots of water, which she turns into milk. The baby
then drinks it, and it passes through his system and ends up in the
nappy.  Could I save time by pouring the water straight into his
nappy?
 
A. Good idea. You could also save the child the trouble of soiling his
nappies by filling them with best quality fertilizer. Or recycle the
speeches of any convenient politician.
 
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 93 5:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: cazabon@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Charles Cazabon (186-003-526))
Subject: Used Encyclopedia Salesmen?
Keywords: chuckle

Snkrq gb zr ng jbex ol n pbyyrnthr:



Sbe Fnyr ol Bjare:
Pbzcyrgr Frg bs Raplpybcrqvn Oevggnavpn
Rkpryyrag pbaqvgvba, ohg ab ybatre arrqrq;
Shpxvat jvsr xabjf rirelguvat.


--Puhpx Pnmnoba, pnmnoba@urephyrf.hertvan.pn
* nygreangr nqqerff:  pnmnoba@zrran.pp.hertvan.pn

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From: heinicke@uwovax.uwo.ca (Allan Heinicke)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What's on TV tonight?
Keywords: smirk, sexual, stereotypes, true
Date: 11 Jan 93 00:30:03 GMT

From the local TV listings for last week, two movies beginning
at 12:30 am Saturday October 10:

First Choice/Superchannel (pay TV): How to Make Love to a Negro
Without Getting Tired. (Based on Haitian author Dany Lafierre's novel
about a black writer's numerous sexual encounters with white women).

WGN (Chicago superstation): Let's Do It Again. 
(Starring Sidney Poiter).

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From: weishaup@carina.unm.edu (Benjamin Jones)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Physicists and mathematicians redux
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 11 Jan 93 09:30:02 GMT


After taking a course in mathematical physics, I wanted to know the real
difference between Mathematics and Physicists.  A professor friend told me
 "A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series"


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Date: Sun, 10 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: kuntz@umdnj.edu (Ralph Kuntz)
Subject: Scottie Dogs
Keywords: smirk

This joke comes from a friend, Steve Lasker:

	[Told with a heavy Scottish brogue]

	A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he
tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter.
A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following
conversation ensued:

New man:  Is that your dog ootside?

First man:  Yes.  What of it?

New man:  Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.

First man:  What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?

New man:  Well, e's a chihuahua.

First man:  Ha!  'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?

New man:  Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

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