From: jmd@bear.com (Josh Diamond)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Believe in youself, dammit! (was: Re: Singles Bar)
Date: 11 Sep 92 21:33:57 GMT
Organization: Bear, Stearns & Co. - FAST
In-reply-to: dy@depsych.Gwinnett.COM's message of 11 Sep 92 13:32:51 GMT


My original post saying that I thought that singles bars should be
avoided as places to meet a potential SO, and that group activities
might be more effective, seems to have generated some response and
qustions: 

I originally wrote:

> My suggestion to the original poster is to avoid singles bars like
> plague.  Try getting involved in some group activities instead.  You
> are much more likely to meet someone and create a relationship there
> than in the "meat market".

And later wrote (Re: Desperation):

> You seem to be very good at finding reasons why you can't meet any
> eligible men.  Why are you so attached to this belief?  Why not put
> that energy in to finding reasons and ways which you CAN meet eligible
> men?

And started to get some responses.  Mark Israel wrote:

>   Has that actually worked for you?		

Answer: Yes. Very well, I might add.  And for some friends too.

dy@depsych.Gwinnett.COM (Dr. Yes) writes:

> Could you go into a little more detail about the mechanics of what
> you did?  I've never been able to make organizations work for me.

First, why should previous results stop you now?  They're _history_:
done and gone.  Who cares?  Also, your wording implies that you expect
the organization to "work for me".  You have to put some effort into
it yourself!!!

As for detail, there is none.  I didn't go and do some specific thing
to create a relationship.  If you think that there is some formula, or
set of magic operations which will give you a relationship, then you
are crazy.  

Basically the idea is to go out there in the world and love people
unconditionally -- to be a contribution to those around you.  If you
keep giving like this, eventually someone is gonna get that you care
about them.  That kind of mutual giving is what forms any kind of
relationship -- be in platonic, or romantic.

> I never see the same person in two different organizations so it
> never rolls over into any kind of a network.

So what?  You don't have relationships with networks!  You have
relationships with individual human beings.  Also, you are not
interested in a relationship with an organization.  The organization
is merely a context in which it may be easier to create a relationship
with an individual.

> I've tried several computer users societies.  All guys.
> I've tried several churches.  Nobody talks to you except old men...
> I've tried Mensa.  Nice people but they all have lives of their own...
> I've tried political campaigns...
> I've tried professional organizations.  People are afraid to get
>    involved...

> What organizations have you joined and how did you move inside
> them to make them work for you?

Why not get involved in something thats just fun?  Or something that
you believe in which is important to you?  Something not related to
work or study in any way.  A few days ago in response to the
"Desperation" thread I wrote:

> Some examples:
> 
>     Amature theatre/music groups.
>     Wine tasting classes (a friend of mine had great success here).
>     Intramural sports, sports clubs (fencing was great for me).
>     Any type of classes outside your degree program.
>     Local hiking club chapters (e.g. Sierra Club, Apalachian Trail Club). 

Remember -- there are other people (men and women) out there looking
for relationships also.   This are just some suggestions of good ways
to meet them.  

And people: STOP TELLING EVERYONE THAT THEY ARE WRONG!  The fact that
you haven't made it work for you in the past DOES NOT INDICATE THAT IT
WILL NOT WORK!  

Your belief that you will not succeed is, in fact, that which is
causing you to fail.  You must learn to ignore the limiting beliefs
which tell you that you will not succeed.  You must start taking risks
-- start chancing rejection.  With practice, you will no longer be
uncomfortable taking that chance.  And yes, you will succeed in your
quest for the relationships you desire.

One must take responsibility for the way one experiences life.
Only then will can one say:

	I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul.

				
				
					Spidey!!!



--
 /\ \  / /\  Josh Diamond                              		   jmd@bear.com
//\\ .. //\\ AKA Spidey!!!                        ...!ctr.columbia.edu!ursa!jmd
//\((  ))/\\
/  < `' >  \          Beauty is the purgation of superfluities. -- Michelangelo