From: anon-1403@twwells.com (synthesis)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To Regina
Date: 18 Dec 92 04:41:23 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Re: my story 
regina wrote:
> He knew I was such a wimp that he didn't have to WORRY about me telling
> anyone.

hey that doesn't make you a wimp!

> My therapist seems to think something happened before that time since I knew
> that resisting would be futile and I shut down.  Plus, I remember thinking
> that if he moved at all in a sexual way somehow, I would lose it.  But he didn'
> t.  That's why I have a hard time with the denial of the severity of my ex-
> perience.  There were no threats, he didn't rape me (in the legal sense), and
> there was no violence.  I know in my head what he did was wrong, but when I
> listen to other survivors talk about their abuse and I hear how brutal it was
> I have a hard time believing that what happened to me really counts.  I know
> this is crazy, but sometimes I find myself wishing that something REALLY
> TERRIBLE would happend to me (or that I would remember that something REALLY
> TERRIBLE happened to me) so that I can say it counts.  I guess I'm in the
> early stages of recovery.  I'm definitely not in the emergency stage.  I have
> no flashbacks or feelings of dissociation, etc.  So, I'm having a hard time
> believing ...truly feeling...it counts.  I know it does.

this really got to me... even if you know it intellectually i hope you can
eventually know it for real because it's *true*... anything that hurts you
or has enough effect so you would even post this "counts."  it sounds to
me like a very stressful and traumatic experience.  in my book it "counts."
i'm very very sorry this happened to you, and that it has so affected you.
whether something was legally rape or not has absolutely no bearing on
whether it was horrible.  and you were just a kid.  i am angry that he did
this to you and that you have to deal with it.  

> How has it affected me?  I can't concentrate on work; I'm afraid of letting
> people get close to me; I have no self esteem; I'm a perfectionistic procras-
> tinator.  I survived by trying to be the perfect girl.  I was great in school,
> sports, music, etc.  I never got into trouble.  Being an overachiever in our
> society is positive.  That's another reason why have SO much trouble believing
> that I was affected (I know in my head I have been).  But every now and then
> I'll go to group or I'll read this post and I see me in other people's words.
> Then I know.  I know I've been affected no matter how hard I try to deny it.
> It follow me wherever I go.  I can't run from it.

i think it's amazing and wonderful that you've achieved so many things.
that does not minimize your experience, but only celebrates your strength
and accomplishments.

>How in the hell do I tell my family.  They also didn't help matters by creating
>an environment empty of openness and free expression of feelings.  To this day
>(I'm 25) I've never had a heart-to-heart discussion with either of my parents.
>Plus, I'm starting to ponder if my father may have abused me.  A friend of mine
>who is also a survivor said something to me once that triggered a feeling that
>he may have.  But there are no other signs that would lead me to be sure.  Are
>there signs to look for?

i'm sorry, i can't help about your father, but i know how difficult it is to
even think about telling your parents... i never have and at this point
i don't think i ever will.  take it at your own speed and make sure you're
comfortable (as much as possible) with it first.

>Anyway, it is about time for me to go.  I appreciate those who have read this
>post.  You can respond through E-mail or by posting a response.  It doesn't
>matter.

i'm glad you posted.  i much prefer email... you might want to consider
getting an anonymous account so more people can mail you.  but it's
totally up to you.

>I'm ending this with a letter I wrote to God.  It is a possible spoiler.
>
>    Dear God,
>    Why don't you end my pain?  I know why - I must do it myself.  But it
>would be muc easier if you would arrange for my demise or forgive me for com-
>mitting suicide.  I know it is a permanent answer to a temporary problem, and
>that it would hurt all those who know and love me, but the pain is too great.
>This will follow me around wherever I go; it will follow me aorund wherever I
>go.  I can't hind from it.  No matter how hard I try to forget, it reminds me
>and follows me.
>     Saturday night I got a glimpse of what the pain felt like.  I hated it!
>It hurt real bad.  I couldn't breath.  I couldn't get rid of it.  I didn't
>have anything to kill myself with so I lie there feeling it.  I know why I'm
>afraid - it's because I don't think I'll make it.  It hurt too much.  What
>triggered it?  Lack of control, a noncompassionate family, no one to trust.
>
>Regina

regina, it definitely counts.

very best wishes,
-synthesis



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