From: impster@umcc.ais.org (Charles Budensiek)
Newsgroups: alt.satanism
Subject: The Almighty Book of Macharoni!!
Date: 3 Apr 92 22:32:34 GMT
Organization: UMCC


 
 
Of Creation
 
1    From  His  Mighty Temple,  the Ineffable One,whose Name must
not hardly ever be spoken or written or even thought about at
length, did give unto me, Y'Bubbuh, most blessed shepherd of
Liberty, the Grace to see these portends (or signs). From His
very beginning, from Holy Heifer to Cured Curd did the Almighty
bequeath unto me many signs (or portends) of His most righteous
firmament. For behold! The Holy Ronald McDonald is His name,
and...
 
(It is here, scholars believe, that Y'Bubbuh met his untimely
death, for while the Almighty's name "must not hardly ever be
spoken or written or even thought about at length," that
particular moment must have been one of those times. Advanced
specimen sampling of Y'Bubbuh's original manuscript indicates the
presence of bacteria commonly found in aging yogurt cultures.)
 
2    When all things began,  the Word already was.  The Word
dwelt with Ron, and Ron was the Word. Indeed, it was a wonderful
Word! If ever, yea! ever! a Word there was, the Word of Ron was
One because because because because because! Because of the
wonderful things He does!
 
The Almighty spoke the Word, and there was created the Herd, and
Ron (who was with the Word) was glad. The Herd moved with Ron,
and Ron moved with the Herd. Again, The Almighty spoke the Word,
which was, up until then, the Herd Word, and there was created
from the Herd, the Holy Curd (that is, Whey). And at this the
herd was glad, for now Ron, through the Curd Word, was with the
Curd, which was begotten from the Herd through the Herd Word,
which was also with Ron, which is not to say, of course, that the
Herd Word and the Curd Word were indistict when compared
empirically to the Ron, but rather that the Ron and the Herd Word
and the Curd Word were the result of the outer natural join of
the Curd with the Herd with respect to the Golden Arches,
embedded forever in the Curd (that is, Whey).
 
 3    Needless to say, from the  Holy Whey (that is,Curd),which
was both Chaotic and Dark, Ron did raise the most holy Golden
Arches, inscribed with His most Ineffable name. From the Herd, he
chose a beast of great bovinity, mounted it, and strode with
bovine grace through the blessed Arches. And lo! The Curd (or
Whey) was glad!
 
So pleased was the Most Holy that He uttered the Word once again,
and made his beast into His most mighty servant, and He named it
the Grimace. And forsooth! All was hunky-dory!
 And finally, Ron lift up his mighty hand, and begat men,and he
blessed them and covered them with many divine cheeses, saying,
"I shall be your god, and you shall, through the Curd, be my
Macharoni!"  And so it was that Ron created man and sent them on
their Whey.
 
The Downfall of the Grimace
 
4    Then did I see the Grimace  come forth,with bags under his
eyes, frozen water upon his head, a great weight on his spirit,
for lo! the Grimace had tied one on celebrating the birth of man.
And so hobbling, the Grimace came to Ron, with steaming, fetid
liquid in his cup, saying, "O, Most Holy of Holies! Your
Macharoni are too soft! They know not how to celebrate in the
highest!" whereupon the Grimace broke monstrous wind.
 
This act was an affront to the Most High, and He cast the Grimace
out of the Whey (which was both Dark and Chaotic) and onto the
Earth, saying, "Cursed be the Grimace forever, and none shall
again sip of the foul liquid, for it is a drink of evil!" So
great was the impact, the Grimace was made into a great purple
lump, as is his true form, even today.
 
 Of Divine Laws
 
5    These are the Laws of the Most High for his Holy Macharoni.
 
Let no man rend asunder what Ron has made, lest his mortal
pee-pee suffer whacks a thousandfold.
 
Thou shalt revere the Holy Curd, the Blessed Golden Arches, and
the mighty Herd of the Most High.
 
Thou shalt not drink the evil drink of the Grimace, nor any drink
like unto that of the Grimace.
 
Thou shalt don clothing at least 50 years behind the current
social fashion when casting about for new Macharoni.
 
Thou shalt take unto yourself as many wives as you are able.
 
Each day, thou shalt sit in a circle and take Divine Communion of
the Holy Cheese Fondue.
 
Thou shalt not supply sound reasoning to anyone who questions
your faith in the Almighty.
 
These are the Laws. Follow them to the letter, lest Almighty Ron
speak the Curd Word and banish you forever.
 
The Coming of Joseph Smith
 
6    Then I looked and I saw the Lord Ron lift up his hand in
utterance of the Holy Curd Word! And lo! There were Macharoni,
abiding with their cheese, keeping watch o're their aging curds
by night. And then, the Jersey of Ron came upon them. And the
Skim off the Curd surrounded them, and they were sore afraid.
Then the Jersey said unto them, "fear not! For behold! I bring
you great tidings of great joy, which shall be to all Macharoni.
For unto you is born this day somewhere in New York, a sucker,
which is Joseph Smith!" And suddenly, there was with the Jersey a
multitude of the Heavenly Herd, praising Ron, and saying, "Glory
to Ron in the highest, and Cheese to his Macharoni on earth of
good will!"
 
Revelation of the Golden Tablets
 
7    Joseph Smith, having mastered the ways of the Macharoni,
came to a place in the woods where he discovered two mighty
golden slabs carved from the Holy Curd. And lo! The Jersey of Ron
appeared, saying, "Take ye, Joseph, the Magic Marker and scribe
into these slabs the Word of Ron Most High!" And so it was that
Joseph Smith carved the Word of Ron into the Most Holy Golden
Tablets.
 
So precious and sanct were these tablets that only those in
Curdly Grace could read them. Indeed, Joseph Smith had difficulty
finding Macharoni in such good grace.He took the Holy Tablets and
placed them within a blessed Arc contructed from the finest AMWAY
detergent boxes bound together with blessed barbed wire. He then
placed the Arc of the Tablets as a shrine upon his livingroom
sofa. When his desciples came to him, he spoke to them, saying,
"For behold! These are the most Holy Golden Tablets! Look upon on
them and know the Will of the Ineffable One!" Whereupon the
desciples looked into the Arc andsaid, "There ain't no tablets in
here!" And Whereupon Joseph scolded them for their sins, saying,
"You are not blessed enough to see the Holy tablets!  Down on
your knees and pray to Saint Velveeta that your sins may be
forgiven!" And so righteous were the Golden Tablets within the
Holy Arc, that Joseph Smith made over 4,000 changes to them in
the course of three weeks.
 
8    Then I looked and saw The Almighty Ron was full of bladder.
He then spoke to his Macharoni, saying, "for your adherence to my
commandments and I bless you with the holy golden liquid!"
Whereupon the Most High let loose his bursting bladder. So
delighted were the Macharoni they raised up their voices singing,
"If ever, O ever, a wiz there was the wiz of Ron is one because,
because, because, because, because, because! Because of the curd
from which it comes!" Forever after, the Macharoni revered the
Holy Golden Shower as the Cheese Wiz.
 
Visions of the End
 
9    And then the Grimace came forth andI was shown a dark,
desolate mountain. But lo! The Grimace spoke a word of ineffable
damnation and a great crevasse opened in the side of the foul
peak! A great green river of festering green liquid poured forth,
like unto the Evil Drink of the Grimace. And then I looked and
beheld a most terrible sight! For a great shape appeared in the
opening! And from that hot and juicy crack came Wendy, the
prophesied Anti-Ron! And the Grimace spoke, "Here now shall the
Grimace and Wendy rule! Let all Macharoni give into the
temptations of the Green Mountain Liquid, and let them be ours
forever!"
 
And so it was that the Grimace and Wendy Anti-Ron poured their
foul Mountain Dew about the blessed Macharoni. And was Ron
pissed! Yea, verily, and all the Heavenly Host were likewise
pissed! And in his great anger, Ron called into being one of his
most blessed of all creations: The Osmonds!
 
The Mighty Marie Osmond, greatest of all the Osmonds, led her
Holy pack against the Grimace and his foul consort, singing songs
of great insipidness and vapidity! It was too much! The Grimace
fled in to the Deeps of the Earth, and Wendy was consumed in the
great weight of the Holy Songs, casting her great jugs of Dew
asunder. 
 
10   At last, the Earth was free from the scourge of the Grimace,
and the Macharoni exalted the Almighty Ron with great hymns and
praises.  "So great is the Holiest of Holies that we will
construct a temple built from the cash of the blessed Kraft, on
the plains of the heathen peoples of Israel, and we shall call it
Cheeses of Nazareth!" And lo!  The Curds and Whey be upon you,
forever and ever!
 
Thus ends the Book of Macharoni, as told by the Immense Prophet
Y'Bubbuh, whose Immensity knows no bounds, and whose wisdom is,
at best, impeachable.