From: tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: 20/20 and Spanking
Date: 5 Nov 92 08:27:27 GMT
	<1992Nov3.191351.27680@das.harvard.edu> <25770@optima.cs.arizona.edu>
Organization: Sylvan Associates


    >I trusted and loved my parents and wanted to please them.  For that reason,
    >I mostly did what they wanted.  If they asked me to do something, they
    >knew they could count on me to do it unless I had a good reason. In the few
    >cases that I decided (for what seemed to me good and sound reasons) to
    >"defy their authority", the result was that they stopped and thought: "If
    >he won't do what I'm asking, there must be some good reason, or at least some
    >reason that seems good to him".


   What if it's something dangerous like playing with matches or throwing
   knives etc.  Is ANY reason for your child doing these things sufficient
   to make you let him do them?  As for me, these are some things that
   I will not tolerate.

There are *many* things I don't tolerate from my daughter (who is
rarely punished) but that doesn't mean that punishment is the way to
teach the child that lesson.

It is in setting limits, telling the child what they are, and
following through that this is accomplished. Following through really
doesn't have to be threatening, just consistant. Katherine has learned
that we 'mean business' when we tell her something simply because we
follow through on what we say will happen. If we tell her we're going
out and she needs to have her shoes on (and maybe give her an option
of which shoes, or if she does it herself or we help) then she knows
the shoes will go on her feet. By giving her some power in choosing
acceptable choices (which we almost always present) then she more
often than not cooperates - this even through the 'twos'.

She might have a choice between holding my hand or being carried
across the street (especially during the twos) and I would tell her
that it's dangerous for her to go alone, a car might not see her and
bump her and hurt her. We still have this conversation from time to
time at street corners, and she's at a point of insisting that her
hand be held. And sometimes she suprises us by offering us another
solution to the problem, and if it's a good idea, we might agree to go
with that instead. If it's not, we go back to the available choices.

Katherine often cleans up her own spills or asks for help. When we go
to a party, we feel confident in letting her roam freely, occasionally
checking up on her (like, have you seen Kathy lately?). This is
because we've taught her what behaviors are appropriate in that
situation. We limit the amount of noise she may make in the house
(inside noises and outside noises), she may only color and put
stickers and stamps on appropriate paper, she may not take toys away
from the baby (we still work on that, we're teaching her alternative
methods to accomplish it - like offering the baby a new toy, then
he'll probably drop the item she wants to get back). There are *tons*
of ways we do limit her behavior in age appropriate ways, and usually
it only takes a reminder to correct her when she's not following the
rules. If not, then there might be a consequence discussed, such as
putting away the crayons, or sending her away from the baby.

All this without hitting, often without even yelling (although if
we're upset, we do let her know), and our daughter is very active and
curious, she's not the timid kind.

-- 

Tigger (Grace Sylvan)                Mom of Katherine Yelena, 8/8/89,
tigger@satyr.sylvan.com              Corey 1/31/91; we loved him so,
                                     Robin Gregory born 2/28/92

 "It seems to me that our large goal is to find the ways to help our
 children become humane and strong."
 
              - Dr Haim Ginott quoted by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish