From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: Post Norwich Blues
Date: 4 Sep 92 11:58:00 GMT
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk



>Part of me would like to tell the entire world who I really am, with an
>"if they don't like it, then that's their tough luck" attitude. But
>another part of me just can't take the rejection, the insults and the
>humiliation that I'm bound to get from some people. (And then there are
>worries about keeping my job - Acorn seems pretty tolerant but all it
>takes is one phobe in a position of power and I'm in trouble.)


Yeah, I feel what you're going through Owen. I don't have the same root 
problem but I still have the same fears as you; fears of rejection, the 
insults and the humiliation. None of us here want any of the above, but
you also get that in Bi-space, you get it everywhere -- it's all (sadly)
part of the human condition. All I can say is that the whole net is there
to support you. You may be away from physical Bi-space, and you may not
feel that you are strong enough to create some for yourself, but we're
here to listen and hopefully reply. soc.bi is ideal for that reason.

You mey feel isolated, so reach out to local Bi-space. I felt that with
Bath; there's no Gay/Les scene let alone a Bi scene here, but there is 
a Bi group formed/ing in Bristol so I'm getting out and joining it. 
I seem to remember that there is a pretty good, if formative one in 
Cambridge (but I can't be sure). If there isn't, then there will be 
soon when Dave gets his teeth into Cambridge. 

You're right when you say you are at a crossroads. I've struggled with 
my own personal demons for months -- for years I've been swaped by them. 
Meeting people like you has helped me face up to them and control them 
far better than I would have been able in the past. Had I not met people 
like Ellen, Ciaran, Kay, Dave, Colin and Angie and, of course, Bethan, 
I wouldn't have gotten this far. These people have said I'm a nice 
person and I believe them... 

Believe me when I say (and join in netters) *You're* a nice person and 
you are at a similar crossroads to the one so many of us have been at 
-- but sit down a bit and rest. I've been resting since I fell apart at 
work and am recharging the old batteries for the next leap forward -- 
I've started by breaking old relationhips, old careers, old ways of 
behaving. You have come a long way since your first tentative, painful 
postings (and I keep all of soc.bi on my hard disk so I can read back 
for reference and stuff). I've seen you post longer and more intricate
messages, gathering strength and developing your ideas. Look at your
latest postings -- you're using smileys! You may not feel it, but
you're becoming more self-assured and stronger as you explore yourself
and get acquainted with it, that in itself is something to show you that
you are moving ahead -- whether you like it or not. You might not be
moving fast enough for your liking, so rest and recharge a bit then you
can move as fast as you like.

Don't think this is a race, it's not. In soc.bi you're accepted for
*who you are*. Resting is often confused with laziness, but it isn't.
You're challenging everything the vast bulk of society fires against
you and you need strength to face up to it. But you've faced up to
things in the past, you've said so, and I think you can do it again...
and again. but this all takes time. Heck I thought I could get over my
problems in a week, 17-19 years of damage in a week sounds ludicrous,
but ask me three months ago and I would have believed I could. Agreed
it's taking less time than my coucellor initially felt it would take,
but meeting Bi-folk has speeded up that recovery, but I know that I
must rest before taking on any more work.

Don't tire yourself out Owen. At the moment, you can voice your
displeasure at homo/trans/bi-phobia by just refusing to say anything
about it. My boss took charge of some pornography at work, his feeble 
self-justification was that it was "harmless stuff", I just looked at
him and walked out. No comment, no fighting... I didn't call him an 
"objectifying leech", I didn't throw my job on the line, I just showed
my displeasure by not joining in. It was for myself that I felt good
and not for any reaction I may engender from my colleagues.

[Flamers stop here: I was shown pornographic pictures by my abusers as
I was raped so I choose to agree with Dworkin on pornography at the
moment. I oppose it... no follow ups either, I'm not prepared to discuss
it until I've done some groundwork on my life in this area].

After a while I developed the strength to know *inside* that if anyone
starts to attack gays/lesbians/bisexuals/TVs/TSs even people with
physical disabilities (thalidomides, the mentally challenged, the 
crippled), then I would be strong enough to stand up against them in 
non-confrontational ways. Okay, so some people warn me that there will 
be a backlash against "right-on" thinkers, but I tell them that their 
opinion smacks of wishful thinking... they know where I stand, and I'm 
not moving.

Owen, just relax a bit. The post bi-space downer is a well known reaction. 
I get around it by distracting myself by working hard (or playing hard for 
that matter), and by just doing stuff. I take in a movie, I see old friends
(straights, but they're still nice people). It may not be perfect for you, 
but it works for me, and I offer it as a suggestion. My best writing comes 
from just coming out of Bi-space, my bass and fiddle playing is downright
bristling when I concentrate so much that I live for the instrument. I
also do all the crap like decorate sections of the house, I installed a 
new version of the Mac's operating system the weekend after the Edinburgh
party, shitty or what? but it needed to be done and I needed the time 
alone and needed to concentrate on other things.

I guess what I want to say is that there *is* life out of Bi-space. Yeah,
Bi-space may be brilliant and the real-world seem shitty at times, but I 
just choose to make the most of it...

... most of the time.


[hug]

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|"Don't confuse me with the facts,  I've already  |cliveg@compulink.co.uk|
| made up my mind" - Local Tory gov't councellor  |cliveg@compulink.uucp |
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