From: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Subject: Re: Further to Karla
Reply-To: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 92 18:34:54 GMT


In a previous article, anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian) says:

>Thanks again,  there  was  much  wisdom  in  your posting 5641.  I
>appreciate your sharing.

my pleasure...

>
>Last night I  did make another step in communication and know now
>that my lover is  indeed  open to hearing about my abuse with any
>degree of detail I am comfortable with.  His assurances came when
>I  broke down (literally) and confided  my  fear  that  he  might
>abandon me if he actually knew some  of  the  things  which  have
>happened to me.  So, that hurdle has been partially crossed (ouch
>;-))  

congrats!!


I have said this line to many people:  "If you really knew everything 
about me, you wouldn't like me anymore..."
But ya know, the funny thing is, the same people learn more
and more about me all the time, and they still like me!


>
>Candidly I still feel terrible fear in the pit of my stomach as I
>contemplate and gear up to tell him about the incest.    I have a
>need  to  tell  him  because it  is
>causing  me  a lot of pain right now, but I still don't  want  to
>"tarnish" the image *he* has of my mother and of my reasonably good
>family.  He has bought into these myths so fully and was close to
>his own mother who was nurturing and loving  and  whom  he always
>characterized  as being very similar in outlook to mine.  I DON'T
>WANT TO  TAKE  THAT  AWAY FROM HIM.


hmmm...  why is it so important that he keep that image?
I think maybe he would feel hurt to know that he had respect (?)
for your mother after the things she had done...  he would probably
be gratefull, in a sense, that you didn't let him keep a 
false image...

Put yourself in his place.  If someone did something horrible to him,
and you didn't know about it.  And you had a lot of respect fo this
person.  Wouldn't you feel bad if someone let you keep this
false image of this person?  (does that make any sense?  I
feel like I can't possibly be making sense here...).  Anyway, I
think the point is, he has respect for her because he doesn't
know what she did.  You wouldn't be taking this away from him
really, because it should have never been there in the first
place...  

Anyway, I am not sure if that was helpfull..  But, the most
important thing you can remeber is, if he cares about you, he will
want to know...  mostly beacuse you need to tell..

>    [A note for someone else who posted:  I  do  not  agree that 
>    survivors are only concerned with their own issues and are 
>    unaware of how difficult it is for their partners.  I think 
>    some  of  us struggle constantly to grasp just enough self-esteem
>    to be able for  moment to stop catering to someone else's 
>    needs and sensitivities which we've always put ahead of our own,
>    to give just a little validation to our own identity!]
>
>Or is  this  just  a  continuation  of  my  silently
>protecting my abuser?  I have a terribly hard time thinking of my mother
>as my abuser:  she was good  and  loving, but some things just went a
>little  wrong.  I was very distressed to remember  some  evidence
>that  I  was  emotionally blackmailed into keeping the Big Secret
>about  things,  which makes me uneasy about how conscious some of
>this stuff was.  But I don't hate her.  I just hate what happened
>to me.


hmmm...  could it be that you feel that protecting her is
more important than helping you?  Who is more importnat
to you...  you or her?  If you had to sacrafice one of you, who would
it be?

Unfortunately it is not nice to be in a position to have to
choose
between taking care of yourself, and taking care of someone you
care about.   But when it comes down to it, you have to be more important 
to you, than anyone.


I once said to a friend of mine "you are the most important person in
my life..."  His response was "I don't want to be the most
important person in your life, I want YOU to be the most
important person in you life..."  I thought that was quite a profound
statement.  And a good indication of where I was at...  Since then,
I have tried to make that true:  me the most importnat person
in my life...

>
>This  is  such  an awful thing to tell someone else about.  I  am
>paralysed by the horror it's going to cause in him.

it is an awful thing to have happen.  and it is even worse to
keep it silent.  Yes it is awful, but you didn't do it, it
isn't your fault this is hanging over you.  If 100 people were killed in
the streets tomorrow, that would be awful.  It would probably 
make people sad.  But would you try to protect him from that?
I think the key here is, it isn't your fault it happend, it isn't
your fault you have to tell him...  someone else did this, you
are not putting this on him.  someone else put it on you and
everyone that cares for you.

>
>On  the  other  hand  I have to consider that he may already have
>guessed and is just waiting (as you mentioned) for  me  to  be  ready
>to talk.  I suspect I have left enough signals, for instance leaving
>the Lew book  around with 'incest' right there in the
>title.  It makes me wonder  why I feel so scared ...  still.  But
>I guess this is why it's called a healing PROCESS.

one step at a time...  edo as much as you can... and be happy for what
you have done...

>
>Sorry, I seem to have rambled and at this point I certainly seem to be obsessed
>about this one aspect of my abuse.   I  am  truly more fearful of
>talking   about  this  than  about  the  other  (male)  incidents
>including  the  gang  rape,  and  believe  me  I  went through  a
>difficult  period  of "why me?" and "*I* must have done something
>to attract/cause all this".  Fortunately that is now history.

no need to apologize..

>
>I'd better stop now.  Thanks for letting me think aloud.
>
>I'm on my way...
>
>"Kristian"
>
>
>
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|Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
|ng548@dsom_op.pnl.gov                       |
|bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |
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