From: Rick.Catania@f22.n230.z1.fidonet.org (Rick Catania)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: Hearing Aid
Date: 12 Aug 92 21:34:39 GMT
Reply-To: Rick.Catania@f22.n230.z1.fidonet.org
Organization: FidoNet node 1:230/22 - The Special Needs B, Whiting IN
X-Fidonet: Silent Talk Conference

Index Number: 23921

[This is from the Silent Talk Conference]

         A FUNNY LOOK AT HEARING AIDS
         By: Jerel Bernhart

              One of the "rites of passage" of many people with
         hearing loss is their adjustment to hearing aids.
              First, we must endure the well intentioned (?)
         audiologists safely tucked behind the insulated window who
         blast our ears with various frequencies and volumes (usually
         starting at 500 db) asking sweetly, "Can you hear that?"
              If I'm still conscious, I usually manage to say, "No,
         but the vibration damned near killed me!" Next, they do a
         tympanogram. That's a test which they shove a plug into your
         ear (sometimes with a ramrod once used for loading cannons)
         and apply air pressure and then measure how far your eyes
         bulge out (this same machine is also used for inflating truck
         tires). If you were not hearing impaired when you went into
         the office, you certainly are when you leave.
              Once all of the tests are completed, the friendly
         audiologist (note, the word "friendly" is used
         interchangeably with its close cousin, "fiendish") next takes
         an "impression" for the earmold. This procedure involves
         going out in front to the guys laying a new sidewalk and
         borrowing twenty pounds of wet cement. They insert this in a
         large syringe, wrench your ear in various directions to
         create a larger passage (use of pliers is not unheard of),
         and inject the contents into the ear canal until: (1) comes
         out of your nose, or (2) comes out of your other ear,
         whichever comes first.  Many audiologists have been known to
         dance with glee and "high five" people in the waiting room if
         they can get both to happen.
              You then sit for three hours, waiting for the cement to
         dry and wondering how they are going to get it out. Your
         question is answered when the audiologist walks in with a
         miniature jackhammer and crowbar and begins to "gently"
         remove the impression. ("Impression" actually means the hole
         in your head where your ear once was.)
              Next, the audiologist begins to show you all the makes
         and models of hearing aids. They use terminology not unlike a
         used car salesman: "This baby goes 0-105 db in 5 seconds!"
         "Do you want an automatic or straight stick with the 'T'
         switch option?" "It's guaranteed for 3 years or 30,000 db,
         whichever comes first." "...And for just $500 more, we will
         give you this piece of plastic to park this honey when you're
         not wearing it!"
              Finally, you get the earmold and the hearing aid all
         put together and arrange financing in easy monthly payments
         (until you are 92), and you are off into the hearing world,
         running up to total strangers saying, "Talk to me!"
              You still can't understand them, but for the price
         you've just paid, you don't want to admit it. There is a
         direct correlation between the cost of a hearing aid and how
         much a hearing-impaired person tries to "bluff" with hearing
         people.

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