From: rmorey@utrcv1 (Randall Morey)
Subject: Re: 20/20 and Spanking
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: United Technologies Research Center
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 18:18:00 GMT

In article <1d1ur4INNqon@darkstar.UCSC.EDU>, nola@cats.ucsc.edu (Nola Van Vugt) writes...
>In article <92306.133552CLH7@psuvm.psu.edu> Chris Himes <CLH7@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>>I don't know if anyone else happened to catch the 20/20 segment on spanking
>>on Friday night or not.  I found it really eye-opening.  Maybe it's because
>>I'm such a new parent (13 mos) and I haven't yet had to deal with real
>>rebelliousness, but I was really shocked watching how some parents deal with
>>children.  There was one couple who smacked their children's hands for
>>playing with their food, not paying attention, playing with their nose,

[text deleted]

(BTW, I didn't see the show either.)
Since there exists no formal parent training course which includes discipline
training, all of us parents have to learn by instinct, trial & error, books,
advice, etc. My wife and I have read books, magazine articles, and have heard
speakers on this and other parenting subjects. Unfortunately, many parents
haven't done these things, either because they don't know about these
information sources or choose to ignore them. 

My wife and I have agreed to do what the "experts" say: "DON'T SPANK!". We
have found that our 4 kids have become less aggressive, less combative, and
more diplomatic. We have become a "kinder, gentler" family, if you'll pardon
the expression ;-}. 

It's very difficult at times to keep your temper under control, but SOMEBODY
has to. If you lose it, you've reduced youself to the level of your kid. So
*stay calm*. Sure, we lose our cool once in a great while and give one of them
a little smack on the rear, because we're not perfect yet. But it's pretty
rare. We usually just sit them in a chair for 1 minute per year-of-age.

We usually try to avoid undesired behavior by seeing it coming and correcting
it firmly, sometimes by physically assisting the child, and showing them the
way we want them to do things. Our younger kids don't seem to respond well to
"remote control" verbal directions, so we have to get in there and do things
with them. If we see see our 1.5-YO Olivia reaching into the wastebasket, we
say her name in a warning tone of voice, gently pull her hand away, then
distract her with something else to occupy her, or carry her away. 

Sometimes we rehearse the desired response several times. Before we get out
of the car at the playground, I'll say, "Now, what do we say when Daddy says
it's time to go? We say 'OK Daddy'. Let's try it..." This can be used when
it's time to pick up toys, come to dinner, bedtime, etc. 

In teaching sharing, we rehearse like this:
(Fight breaks out. Kids pulling on toy.)
Parent: What do you say when when you want that toy?
Kid 1:  I want that toy!
Parent: No. We say 'May I please have a turn?'. Try it.
Kid 1: May I please have a turn?
Parent (turning to Kid 2): Now you say, 'OK, after I have a turn'.
Kid 2: Ok, after I have a turn.
Parent: Now you can have a quick turn. In a minute, let her have a turn. Then
she'll give it back soon.

This usually works pretty good. They like seeing things demonstrated. My wife
and I have realized that our example is very important, too. We always try
to be diplomatic with each other and never argue. (I know it sounds too good,
but it's true!)

I really hate to see kids get spanks or hands slapped. If parents do it
routinely, I think it's because they don't know of another way. Maybe they feel
it worked for their parents. Maybe I should, but I don't feel it's my place to
tell other parents how to discipline their kids... that is, unless they ask! 


RM.
Kids: Kristen(7), Briana(5), Kevin(3), Olivia(1).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Randy Morey                           | ==\\           "Those who play the sax
United Technologies Research Center   |   |8|      |\   play twice" - R. M.
East Hartford, CT                     |   |8| __  o|
EMAIL TO: RMOREY%utrc@utc.com         |   |8|(__)      "@#!$*&!%!"
                                      |   |8|| |       - Sgt. Snorkel
All expressed opinions are mine,      |   \____/       
except for those that aren't...I think|         "Boys will be boys, but only
                                      |         with their parents' permission"