From: barry@netcom.com (Kenn Barry)
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Date: Tue, 07 Apr 92 17:53:59 GMT
Organization: QQQCLC
Distribution: world,soc

In article <1992Apr7.005929.11543@vax5.cit.cornell.edu> rnjx@vax5.cit.cornell.edu writes:
>Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
>try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
>that you may start one with her/him?  Under what circumstances?  How about
>pursuing someone who's engaged?  Where do you all draw the line?  If it isn't
>O.K., would you still do it anyway?

	Ever hear the saying, "all's fair in love and war"? That's the
traditional wisdom on this question. The tradition in our culture is that
a person is fair game right up to the moment they marry, and off limits
thereafter. Oh, there was a slight quandary if it were your best friend's
girl you were after, perhaps, and a serious practical problem if her
current sweetie were mean and jealous and a lot bigger than you :-). But
mostly it was OK to chase someone who was already seeing someone else.

	That standard, however, has changed; seems natural in a world
where "all" is no longer fair in war, either (nukes being self-defeating).
You can still see the traditional standard operating in old movies,
though. Rather amusing, in a way - a half-decent kiss was too "immoral" to
show in a movie of the 1930s or 1940s, but you could tell a story about
two close friends trying to sabotage one another, chasing after the same
woman (e.g., HOLIDAY INN) and no moral quandary is ever suggested - it's a
"light romantic comedy".

	Why the change? I believe it's a side effect of the changes in our
culture's sexual morality. Back when movies like those I describe were
made, the official assumption was always that a couple who weren't
married, weren't having sex. Today the default assumption is that such a
couple does have sex, and that's the difference. Doesn't even matter that
both the old and new assumptions are merely that, assumptions, and often
untrue; they are still the basis for the guidelines. And since nowadays
sex is assumed, the morality of chasing someone else's sweetie has become
questionable.

	So, what are the new rules? Hard to say; customs like this aren't
legislated, they evolve, and things seem to be in flux. In general there
are greater restrictions, now, and you're wise to be asking yourself the
question. But I don't know of any generally agreed rule of thumb one can
apply. Going after someone who's living with their current sweetie is
probably considered a no-no, but other cases are more ambiguous.

	My personal rule is that I won't "come on" to any woman who I know
has a "boyfriend" (however defined) unless she comes on to me first. If
she does come on to me, though, that normally solves my moral
uncertainties, and just leaves the practical questions (e.g., just how big
_is_ her current sweetie? :-). In such a case the only women I'd still
leave alone for moral reasons are those whose sweetie is a friend of mine.
I also leave married women alone, but that's for practical, not moral
reasons - secret affairs are a drag.

	As for what _you_ should do, all I can suggest is going back to
first principles: consider the foundations of your own morality, and see
if you can deduce their application in such a situation. There really
isn't an established standard to rely on any more.

-  nothing fails like success  -          Kenn Barry
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Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples