From: rks@cscns.com (Dancing With synergy)
Subject: Re: Donahue: Options for Kids
Organization: Community_News_Service
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1993 09:36:56 GMT

mary.rita.otto (motto@cbnewsf.cb.att.com) wrote:

: I hear where you are coming from.  I feel sad that you were so badly
: mistreated as a child.  I hope you are healing from those wounds.

I am not sure anyone ever heals entirely but it certainly does provide
an "interesting" way of looking at the world, the universe and my place
in it. :-) Actually, in many ways, it is very liberating. I don't answer
to anyone but myself and my higher power (purpose) and I am not bogged
down  in some of the things I see others really do battle with. It ain't
all bad. 


: I know a woman who realized that she did not want to be a mother and
: gave up two infants for adoption shortly after their birth.  She
: loved them enough to want better for them than she felt she could give.

Yes! That is the distinction between those who are capable of acting
in love and a higher purpose and those who act strictly from self-interest
of one variety or another.

: Now she is working as a nanny and taking care of two children on a
: part-time basis.  She has a wonderful relationship with them, but says
: that she prefers this to being a mother because she doesn't feel "trapped"
: into being responsible for them 24hrs/day, 365 days per year.

That sounds rational, responsible and *very* enlightened. She knows
who she is and what she has to offer. And is willing to act on it. 

*Applause*


: It is hard for me to understand that sometimes, because the thing in
: my life that brings me the greatest joy is the love of my children.
: For me, the breaking of that bond is painful to even think about.
: Yet my own upbringing was cold and distant.  The very idea of me
: climbing onto my mother's bed to snuggle her in the morning the
: way my children do would have been rejected out of hand.

It would have been unthinkable in my family also. Cold and distant is
a good way to describe it. I can recall having my mother make fun of
me because I asked why we never had any pet names in my family. I had
noticed that my friends had that at home. For a long time, I didn't 
know how to deal with that sort of thing in my own life and gained
quite a reputation for being "cold and distant" myself. It wasn't that
I didn't want it. It was more a question of not having any model. 

Obviously, you learned somewhere along the line how to do that sort
of thing and be comfortable doing it. And your kids will have a *very*
easy time with it because they have had the example. 


: We can make our lives different from what they were, and that is our
: greatest hope for change in the world and an end to abuse.  You

Amen.

: are certainly right about kids knowing instinctively what they need;
: my children constantly let me know what they need and want, and I've
: learned a lot from them -- I just have to be careful not to reject
: their communications (verbal, emotional and otherwise).

Exactly. Even though they might exasperate you sometimes. I was afraid to
have children myself. I didn't really start to deal with my own issues
until I was in my mid-thirties and I think any children born to me
would have suffered before that -- then I would be providing therapy 
for them. :-) Not fair. Not a bit.


: As survivors, we have to be strong and brave enough to parent ourselves
: and meet the needs and treat the wounds that remain, and to learn to
: do it better as we teach the generation that will follow us.

I think one of the main things that I have learned is that it won't 
change. I spent years and years hoping it would. I finally had to be
a big girl and accept that sometimes there just ain't no justice. Until
I did that, all the rest was meaningless. I could go through the motions
of healing but it didn't have any reality. 

I am far from warm and fuzzy and I have accepted that it will probably
always be that way. However, I have other things to contribute. We all
have a unique gift and it seems that the largest part of our higher 
purpose is to discover that. I express my caring in a very general way
so I am very good in political situations/civil rights issues and so
on. That is no less a contribution than those who can give on an 
individual basis. As survivors, I think it is really important to 
*understand* that. So many of us spend our time trying to become 
something we are not. Instead of turning all of those supposed 
negatives into positives, we invest all of our energy into tryinf 
to be what we believe we lacked. And the years pass by. Ugh.

Namaste,

//gisle


Newsgroups: alt.support