From: rupa@f-454.fidonet.org (Rupa Schomaker)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: ST: TNG Parody
Date: Mon, 04 Jan 1993 20:09:00 -0600

I found this on a fidonet `echo'.  Enjoy!

** Forwarded using Golded v.2.41.B1207+
|===============================================================
| Area : FUNNY (FUNNY Stories and Jokes)
| From : Tracy Reed, 1:210/44 (02 Jan 93 09:42)
| Subj : ST: TNG Parody
|===============================================================
MG->Well, It appears I missed a good one while on christmas holidays... Any cha
MG->you could re-post it for me to look at? It would be much appreciated...

Here ya go:

STAR TRASH:  THE DEGENERATION  "Cancellation"

[bridge] Pecan:  Captain's log, stardate 45678.9.  While on a routine mission
  that has absolutely nothing to do with this story, we received a Priority One
  distress call from Commodore Miller, of Outpost 911, the Fuderation's
  farthest outpost.  We are now proceeding there...Any word from Miller's Out-
  post, Mr. Warp?
Warp:  Yes, Sir.  Levi's jeans are 20% off through Saturday.
Pecan:  Can we make it at current speed, Mr. Data?
Data:  Yes, Captain, but we will have to cross the Neutered Zone.
Pecan:  Any Rumulan ships in the Zone, Ensign Guest?
Ensign-of-the-week:  I can't tell, Sir.
Pecan:  Come on, Ensign, you can tell me.
Guest:  I mean, sensors are malfunctioning.
Biker:  Can you say "malfunctioning" on TV?
Troy-Bilt:  Ask the censors.
Data:  They are malfunctioning.
Pecan:  Can't you make a guess, Guest?
Guest [shakes her head]:  I'm sorry, Sir, there's just not enough data coming
  in.
Biker:  That's what Trasha used to say.
Pecan:  Very well, Ensign, proceed into the Neutered Zone.  [red alert siren]
Data:  Captain, we seem to have a problem.
Pecan:  What is it, Mr. Data?
Data:  It is an unpleasant or unwanted situation.  But that is not important
  right now.  There is a Rumulan warbird directly in our path.
Pecan:  Hail them, Mr. Warp.
Warp:  Hail to the Rumulans!  Hail to the Rumulans!
Pecan:  I mean get them on communications, Mr. Warp!
Warp:  On screen.
Pecan:  This is Captain Joe Bob Pecan of The Fuderation Starship Intercourse.
  We are on a peaceful rescue mission. ...Trasha!
Rumulan:  No!  I'm not Trasha!  I'm Sellout!
Data:  Are you not the same actress who portrayed Lt. Trasha Yard?
Sellout:  Oh, like you've never had the same actor playing different parts!  I
  was going to let you go, but now I'm mad.  You have two hours, then I'm
  blowing you to Antares!
Data:  It IS Trasha!  [opening credits--cut to briefing room]
Biker:  What would Kirk do?
Troy-Bilt:  Have sex with Sellout, fight with the other Rumulans, rip his
  shirt, then make a dramatic speech about how far humanity has come since the
  twentieth century.
Pecan:  Unfortunately, I am NOT Kirk.  I can't go around getting laid every
  week.  I'm open to suggestions.
Data:  Perhaps if you got a toupee.  It seems to have worked for Kirk.
Warp:  I say we hit them with everything we've got!
Troy-Bilt:  Warp, why are you always so grouchy?  Being the only Kling-on on
  board can't be that bad.
Warp:  I have been on this ship for five years, and I have NEVER seen a bath-
  room!
Pecan:  Doesn't ANYONE have any productive ideas?
Troy-Bilt:  Captain, I feel something.
Pecan:  An alien presence?
Troy-Bilt:  No, Commander Biker's hand on my thigh.
Pecan:  Number One, please keep your hands to yourself.
Biker:  I am not a number!  I am a free man!  Besides, Georgie did that, and
  he went blind.  [ship suddenly shakes, Pecan falls out of chair]
Pecan:  I've fallen and I can't get up!  [Biker helps him up--cut to bridge]
Data:  We are being fired upon.
Pecan:  Mr. Warp, are phasers ready?
Warp:  Ready, Sir!
Pecan:  Very well, you may fire at will.
Warp [draws hand phaser, aims at Biker] I have waited five years for this
  moment!
Biker:  Now cut that out!  That's why Wheaton left the show.
Warp [returns to station]:  Sir, phasers are not functioning!
Pecan:  Doesn't ANYTHING work on this damned ship?
Data:  My research into the original Intercourse shows that their vessel mal-
  functioned often.
Pecan:  Yes, but unlike Kirk, I don't have a drunken Scotsman for a chief engi-
  neer.
Data:  No, Sir.  You have a blind man.
Biker:  Has anybody ever figured out WHY Georgie's blind?
Troy-Bilt:  No, but Dr. Smasher believes he could see if he'd take that head-
  band off his eyes.
Data:  Captain, sensors indicated that the Rumulan ship is malfunctioning also.
Pecan:  Engineering, what the devil is going on?
LaFord:  All ship's systems are failing, Sir.  Power seems to've been cut off
  at the source.
Pecan:  You mean...?
LaFord:  Yes, Sir.  Paramount has sent home the special effects team.
Pecan:  Mr. LaFord, I don't know what to say.
LaFord:  I know, Sir.  The writers are gone, too.
Biker:  How about a joke?  Why can't Data and his wife have children?
Troy-Bilt:  I give up.
Pecan:  That's my line.
Biker:  Because they can't have contractions!
Data:  I still cannot see the humor in that statement.
Pecan:  None of us can, Mr. Data.



                                Chat with you later,

                                Mr. Tracy Reed   :)

 o OLX 2.1 TD o Cole's law: thinly sliced cabbage


-!- WM v2.05/92-0763
 ! Origin: Tehachapi Mountain / Tehachapi,Ca / 805-822-6588 (1:210/44)
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