From: <oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #478
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 14:46:55 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:38 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #478

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    478
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

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Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-01

Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most kind and loving Oracle,
> who's morning breath would put a full bed of rose blossoms to shame;
> who's flatulence causes the very atmosphere to weep for such unrivaled
> scents; who's saliva is the breeding ground of beauty;
> who's nasal hairs are softer than silk;
>
> Oh most beatific Wonder of Wonders,
> I plead with you to offer your help to me, your lowly supplicant.
>
> Why do my brakes, which are but 10,000 miles old, squeak like a loon in
> labor whilst I press them with the most delicate of pressures?
>
> Tell me this, and I shall be forever lifted...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Niiice grovel.  (*sigh*)  If only they were ALL like you.
}
} Ah, supplicant, who wisely goes beyond the moribund mechanic in hopes
} of finding divine guidance, I hear your call, and hope to answer you
} question in the fullest.
}
} I have answered many questions concerning the world of machines.
} Allow me to find your answer in one of my past thoughts:
}
} Recently, a supplicant sought guidance concerning why the bus always
} broke down at the most inopportune moments.  I, naturally, expounded
} on the Zen properties of the bus and of all its components: how its
} assembly should take advantage of the natural harmony intrinsic in the
} parts and put them to use as a whole.  I spoke to great lengths about
} the "go" and the "not-go" aspects, the positive and negative, the
} active and passive.  Yet, I sense this is not your problem.
}
} A supplicant asked why the toaster insisted on charring bread beyond
} recognizability on one side, while leaving the other side intact.  I
} explained how all machines wish only to serve their owners loyally and
} faithfully to the best of their abilities, and, if they are impared in
} some manner, will attempt to compensate.  The toast was ideal at the
} center of the slice, you see, and only required that both sides of the
} bread be cut away to find this perfect zone.  The toaster, being
} unable to toast thouroughly throughout the bread, instead allowed for
} an average-toast-zone to exist halfway through.  Yet, I sense that
} this, too, is not your problem.
}
} Sounds to me like you've got a fertile sea bird stuck in your drums.
} When was the last time you checked under your car?  I hear things like
} this always happen in New England and the UK.  You might want to get a
} mechanic.  And the animal shelter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a re-hashed question.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:42 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-02

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise. Bring a pearl of your wisdom to my incredibly dull
> life. Only your Ocularities bring any meaning to my pathetic life.
>
> Where do all the missing pens go ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, groveling supplicant, who wishes to understand the many folds and
} buckles of the fabric of the Universe, I hear your cry and choose to
} enlighten the humdrum of your life.
}
} Ball point pens are actually tiny extra-terrestrials attempting to
} study humankind and eventually conquer Earth.  They become very upset
} when you take off their hats and draw with their heads, or, worse yet,
} when you click on their butts, thus shocking them into coming out of
} their shells.  These aliens are pretty bright and, if they find a
} receptive mind, will encourage (via thought-control) a passing human
} to pick them up and take them to the nearest Matter-Transporter
} (usually disguised as a broken copy machine) from which point they
} will beam back home.  Just remember: every time you pick up a pen,
} you're pissing off one being in an invasion force numbering in the
} billions.  I'd swtich over to pencils if I were you.  Fast.
}
} Oh, and I have a request: the next time you go to the bank and see
} those pens/aliens chained down, please do the decent thing and set
} them free.  (You'll earn some major brownie points.)  Also, try to
} give the dead ones (loss of blood) a decent burial.  Thanks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of crayons.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:43 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-03

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Most Wise and Gracious Oracle, please tell me:
>
> 2-4-6-8, who do we appreciate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1-1-2-3 Fibonacci!  Fibonacci!  Whee!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of rabbits.

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Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-04

Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle great and mighty,
> Neat and sightly,
>
> Isn't "moose" a lame name for a computer?
> Why do you put up with it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lowly supplicant, I understand the nature of your query.  I was always
} fond of "iuvax" myself, however, the staff here at Oracular Central
} voted, and they seem to prefer the new "moose" label.  In fact,
} they've taken it upon themselves to revel in their own creativity
} every day at 3:29 by putting on foam moose antlers, hopping up on
} their desks, and singing "O-R-A, C-L-E, M-O-O-S-E!" at the top of
} their lungs.  They've even started a club.
}
} It's kind of embarrassing, really.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Beach Blanket Bingo" movie poster.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:45 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-05

Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   PRINT ( SELECT NAME, TELEPHONE IN ORACLE.MID WHERE
>             SEX = "FEMALE" AND
>             BEAUTY = 10 AND
>             SEXPREF = "HETERO" AND
>             PARTNER = "NONE"
>             )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <NULL>

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:46 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-06

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Did man invent god, or did god invent man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have given your query much thought, and I have come up
} with the following solution:
}
} God could not have created man.
}
} You see, as mortals, any god we visualize must be all-wise and
} all-knowing. Therefore, he/she will have seen what a fine mess we would
} have gotten into, and definately not have made such a mistake.
}
} On the other hand, man could not have created god, either.
}
} Assuming a god does exist, man could not have created him/her because
} man would not exist in the first place, as stated above.
}
} You owe the Oracle one white towel, a Babel Fish, and Three Hail Marys.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:48 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-07

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have laboured long and slaved diligently researching one of the great
> mysteries of the ages, and expended the greater part of my vast fortune
> (that is, I bought one and disassembled it) to no avail.
>
> O Oracle most wise, fount of all wisdom, keeper of the headwaters of
> the River of Knowledge, master of all you can conceive, sage of the
> ages, knower of the unknowable, please share an infinitesimal part of
> your knowledge with this humble supplicant.  I shall treasure the
> answer forever (well, ok, I'll send it around to my co-workers for
> their enlightenment, copy it to a floppy and put it in my RonCo
> Fireproof Box) and be eternally grateful (well, let's just say I will
> think kindly of you at least once today) if you can tell me...
> please, O Oracle, I beseech you!
>
> Why *ARE* Pez dispensers so hard to load?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your kind and most generous groveling.  A large cash
} payment to the Oracle's off shore bank accounts would have been
} preferable, but a good grovel and self-abasement are always valued.
}
} As the Oracle is feeling kind-hearted tonight, a truely rare occurrence
} [so don't expect it to happen twice] you question will be answered.
}
} .......as soon as the Oracle gets this danged Pez dispenser
} loaded......
}
} There, that's better.  Now then.  Why would a Pez dispenser be
} difficult to load?  There is a relatively simple method of doing it.
} The Oracle simply allows Lisa to perform this service, wishing as she
} does to be of assistance to the great and powerful Oracle.
}
} But why make this relatively menial task difficult?  The answer is
} simple - nothing good in this life comes easy.
}
} <*ding*>
}
} You owe the  Oracle your entire fortune.[get a new one, disassemble it
} and forward it to the Oracle's offshore account in the Cayman Islands]
} You also owe the Oracle a filled Pez dispenser, and a large supply of
} Pez candies, the dispenser to be of the 1959 vintage.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:49 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-08

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hohum.  Haven't paged the oracle for ages.  Could do with a
> distraction. Wish I could think of a question...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} bzzzzz...........bzzzzz.........RING.........RING........RING.......
} .........>click<.......
}
} I'm sorry, but the Oracle is not in right now.  If you wish to leave
} a question, please press one now.  To request a muse, press two now.
} If you need to speak to Lisa, press three now.  To obtain further
} information about the "Milk and Honey" campaign, press four now.
} If you are having difficulty thinking of a question press five now.
} If you wish to hear these choices again, press the pound sign.
}
} .......hissss.......BOOOP..(the sound of a five being pressed)....
}
} At the current time, the Oracle has requested that all supplicants
} using this feature be presented with the following choices:
} If you wish to ask about the nature of the universe, press one now.
} If you wish to ask about your future, press two now.
} If you wish to ask about the volume of wood a woodchuck could chuck
} given that a woodchuck was capable of such an action, press three
} now.  If you wish to ask about the worth of a particular financial
} investment, press four now.  For other questions press five.  If
} you wish to hear this menu again, press the pound sign.  To speak
} to an operator, say HELLO.
}
} ......Ummmmm, HELLO?
}
} One moment please.  The next available demigod will be with you
} momentarily.  Please stay on the line, your supplication is being
} handled in the order in which it was received.
}
} .......(the sound of old ABBA records being played in the
} background)... (there was something in the air that night, just out of
} sight, Fernando.)
}
} One moment please.  The next available demigod will be with you
} moment.......>click<........
}
} Supplication help line, Thor here.  What may I help you with today?
}
} ....Ummm, well, Sir, I'm having difficulty thinking of a question.
}
} I see.  And how long has it been since you last groveled to the
} Oracle?
}
} ....Well, you see, I've been kind of busy and I haven't...
}
} So what you are saying is that you *haven't* even thought of the
} his Oracleness in quite a while?
}
} ....Well, No, not really....
}
} I see.  Let me check something....
} (the sound of keys being pressed in the background)
} Mortal, according to our records you are six years late on your
} humility payments.  Do you realize how serious an infraction
} this is?
}
} ....well, no.  Not really....You see, I'm sort of....
}
} I'm sorry, mortal.  I'm going to have to send you to our collections
} department.  Please hold.
}
} ....(the sound of Barry Manilow being played)....
}
} ....>click<....
} Collections Department, Bealzebub speaking.  Your account number?
}
} ....Well, I was just talking to Thor, and he was....
}
} Your account number, please?  I do not have much of patience.
}
} ....I.....well....I don't know....
}
} Then what is your religious denomination?
}
} ....In the sixties I was sort of a "free-love" type....
}
} That is not an officially endorsed denomination.  Please try to
} cooperate, mortal.  It will make the collection process much easier
} for you.
}
} ....I've always been sort of an agnostic....
}
} I see.  One moment please.
}
} >ZOT<
}
} .......bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete credit history and a better voice-mail
} system.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-09

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O omniscient Oracle, whose wisdom surpasses all others,
> please impart a miniscule vision of your great knowledge,
> and answer for me this question:
>
> why does Summer pass so quickly?
>
> (signed)
> your faithful postulant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  I think your definition of 'quickly' must be screwy.  In fact,
} Summer passes at exactly 1s/s, which is about average as far as time
} dilation effects go.
}
} However, if you really want it to 19 decimal places, then there is a
} slight difference is time dilation effect during summer.  It's due to
} the intensity of photons bombarding the surface of the earth during
} that period.  When the photons are stopped, they very breifly have a
} small amount of mass.  Since more photons reach the Earth during
} Summer, the mass of the Earth increases slightly, causing a slight time
} dilation effect, making Summer appear to pass more quickly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of Sunglasses.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 14:46:51 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #478-10

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey Oracle man!
>
> How come you're still using a computer?  I mean, computers
> were ok in the eighties, just like in ancient times people
> used smoke and strange herbs to talk to you.  But hey!  These
> are the nineties!  How come we can't use our car faxes to
> fax you questions?
>
> Get with the times man!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Blithering Idiot:
}
} I can see that you are mentally incapable of keeping up with the
} time/space continuum (don't worry, you could still qualify as a Vice
} President of the US or most corporations).  Apparently YOU are fixated
} with the '80s.  This would explain your compulsive attraction with
} conspicuous wealth. This would also explain why you're out of touch
} with the trends in business and society.
}
} CLUE:  It's 1992 (by the calendar you mortals use).  People are
} becoming more ecologically aware.  Businesses are leaning towards
} technologies that do not eat up supplies that constantly be replaced at
} company expense.
}
} You ask, "What do these things have to do with my query?"  Well snail-
} brain, if I accepted faxes, can you imagine how much paper would be
} used in the process?
}
} Of course you can't.
}
} Do you understand how many trees would be cut down in order to meet the
} increased demand for paper?
}
} Of course you don't.
}
} Can you fathom what the increased strain of all those phone calls would
} do to an already screwed up global economy?
}
} You don't have a clue.
}
} So, the moral of this story is, while turnips with appendages (like
} youself) drive around, a decade out of sync, burning precious
} resources, the rest of the world is operating in real time.
}
} I would suggest that before daring to advise an omniscient, omnipotent,
} and short-tempered being in the future, you stop, think, and consult a
} reliable calendar.  Of course, in your case that no longer matters.
} You see, not only was your question insulting, but you completely
} failed to grovel....   and you never know who or what might happen to
} you when you're driving alone, on any given night... like tonight on
} your way home.
}
} BRHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.......
}
} Your wife owes the Oracle a date after the funeral.

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End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #478
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