From: anon-1540@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: confrontations
Date: 7 Jan 93 22:01:45 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: no

ANON-name: Hillary

I'll try to keep this short and to the point.  This is my first time 
posting although I've been reading for a while now.  I have a question
about confronting your abuser(s).  Everything I have read and been 
told in a 12-step support group I am member of tells me that I MUST
confront my abuser (my father and, indirectly, my mother) in order to 
begin to put the pieces of my life back together.  

If I may give some brief history ....


At twelve, my mother was on vacation with my younger siblings, my father
and I alone at home.  My father invited me to snuggle with him on the 
couch which was not an unusual thing to do, but this time he took the 
opportunity to let his hands roam.  At first I was shocked and did 
nothing, but after a few minutes I got up and ran from the room.  Later
he called me into the room and when I entered crying, he apologized and 
asked me not to tell my mother.  Over the next three years, he would
occasionally position himself (inviting me to sit on his lap, giving 
me a hug, and so on...) so that he could again touch me inappropriately.
Also during this time, he took to calling me a whore, slut, tramp, and 
other like names anytime he was angry, or anytime he saw me doing young
teen stuff like standing on the sidewalk in front of my house talking 
to two or three young men.  My behavior was never inappropriate, but 
he sure told me it was.  I began to believe him. 

I know, now, that my subsequent behavior of becoming sexually active
at a very early age (14) was a result of my reacting to the things 
this man I thought close to God was saying about me.  But for many 
years I just believed that I must be as awful as he said I was.  

At 15 I ran away, and my parents found me two days later.  During the 
the time I was gone, my mother read my diary and asked my father about
the stuff I had written.  He "confessed" about the first time, said
he was wrong, but that I had blown it all out of proportion and that it 
had never happened since.  When I returned my mother (with whom I had 
never had a warm relationship) confronted us both, told me what my father
had said and asked if it was true.  She prefaced this confrontation with 
letting me know their marriage might be in trouble based on my answer.
So, I backed up my father.  

My father never touched me inappropriately again, but the verbal abuse
increased, along with my mother's coldness and quiet support.  They both
set about the task of undermining my credibility and making it seem 
to all who would listen, including me, that I was this terrible, incorrigible, 
lying adolescent who could not be controlled.

I was fortunate to have two loving grandparents who allowed me to live
with them for a year and give us all time away from each other. They never
knew about the inappropriate behavior from my father or the verbal 
abuse. 

Anyway, for years I even questioned whether or not I had indeed blown 
this all out of proportion and that perhaps I was the terrible person
my parents said I was, (although I was a straight-A student, respected
by my peers, and liked by adults).  Then, I read somewhere that incest
is when something has happened that you have to keep a secret.  Wow!
I didn't overreact.  

I am working through the pain and developing at 31 some sense of self
esteem.  I have always believed that I was the only child abused in this
fashion and so have kept the secret from my three younger siblings.

I'll wrap this up now, I am not sure that I am strong enough to confront
my father and my mother (for not protecting me as I think she should have)
nor am I sure much would be accomplished by this, and perhaps my siblings
would be hurt if this information were to be shared with them.  I would
appreciate comments on confrontation, especially from those who have done
so regardless of whether or not the result was positive.  

Much thanks in advance.  I apologize for the length of this, but I felt
history might be necessary in accessing whether or not confrontation 
would be helpful to me. 

Hillary.



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