From: mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: ******SPOILT HER*****
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 06:47:05 GMT


Okay, so I have a tendancy to pun....


space here


giving you a chance


to run as fast as you can


one of my good friends tonight said to me, "you are eventually going
to have to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming your
parents for everything that happens to you"

and then I fell into a depression such that I can't handle. I am okay.
I am not going to die... I have myself firmly convinced that I cannot
die right now. it won't happen yet. I am going to be here, NO MATTER
WHAT, so I better deal....

she has a point. as some point, I am going to have to let go of the
anger enough so that I can stop being so misreable. (sp?) but that
point isn't now.

the shitty part is that I *AM* a responsible person. I always HAVE
been the "responsible one". I work hard... make the grade... take care
of things... of people... of myself to a certain extent. not as much
as I should, perhaps, but I made it thru 22 years... and with the
history I have... that is INCREDIBLE. I should be proud to be
BREATHING not having to justify myself to a woman who has had her life
handed to her on a silver platter. Just who the hell is she to pass
judgement of my life? what if I do want to go back to sleeping with
everyone I see? so what? that is my choice... I never asked for her
approval!!!!! 

but of course I did. don't we all search constantly for approval and
love from somewhere?

so I am confused and feeling alone. I know she was wrong in what she
said, but what she meant is true. I do tend to HATE my parents for
their CONTINUING manipulationa nd pain. But I still live with them.
And, the GOddess help me, I STILL LOVE THEM. I EVEN *UNDERSTAND* how
it was allowed to happen and *WHY* they are such fuck-ups as parents.

but even, with as much as I have told her, she cannot understand. she
doesn't have the capability to see what I see. she called me weak
tonight when the truth is, I am being strong. does that make sense?

I can understand just about anything. I can see it and feel what the
pain must have felt like... the pressure my parents were under... I
understand... and that scares me too. my little lower-middle-class
background surrounds me and makes me see that the truth is, life could
have been much worse... and I am lucky to have good friends and
a support system.

but still I sit here crying WHY ME? why me at all?
(not tears... I still don't cry. I don't want to. what are tears for,
they don't change anything)

I am so lost. I had a five hour time when I was feeling nothing this
week. nothing. no pain, no joy no nothing. I knew I *SHOULD* be
concerned... so I pretended to be concerned... and I worked it out and
got back to myself. but the absence of the CONSTANT PAIN... the
CONSTANT REMINDER that I WILL NEVER BE 
the carefree child I never had a chance to be
i will constantly remind myslef... that little ache that never ends...

this is rambling.. and I am sorry if I am hurting anyone... but it
hurt so much for her to say that. THEY WERE WRONG. maybe, I should
drop out of school and leave... just leave...
 
BUT I CANNOT. I AM RESPONSIBLE. TOO RESPONSIBLE. I GRADUATE IN MAY. I
CANNOT LEAVE UNTIL THAT IS DONE.

and, unfortunately, i will last that long. I cannot take my own
life... (I know you don't see that as a weakness, but I do.)

I cannot even want to... too much to do... too much to be....

DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND? WILL I ALWAYS BE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS MY
PAIN?

probably. you can see it and relate to it... but pain isn't something
most people can really share. all sharing my pain does is cause more
for you. and I am sorry....

perhaps I should destroy this, not send it... but I cannot. I reach fo
ryou all and your ehugs... because I need them. and I hate needing
anything....

than-you for trying to read this... I know it doesn't make much
sense... but I sit here stone cold sober wondering why she can't see
it... and knowing that it wouldn't help much if she did....

-brandywine
 

"And there's not enough room in this world for my pain
 Signals cross, and love gets lost and time past makes it plain
 For all my deamon spirits I need you the most
 I'm in love with your ghost"

-_Ghost
The Indigo Girls