From: jmd@bear.com (Josh Diamond)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Believe in youself, dammit! (was: Re: Singles Bar)
Date: 14 Sep 92 23:57:41 GMT
	<JMD.92Sep11173357@lion.bear.com>
	<1992Sep12.083538.15344@nuchat.sccsi.com>
Organization: Bear, Stearns & Co. - FAST
In-reply-to: kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com's message of 12 Sep 92 08:35:38 GMT


In article <1992Sep12.083538.15344@nuchat.sccsi.com> kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com (Kevin Brown) writes:

   [ a whole bunch of great stuff about taking Sharyn Wolf's classes ]

Kevin, I want to acknowledge you for taking action toward your goal.
Would that there were more like you.

(No, this is not a SuckUp(TM).  Just acknowledging that Kevin took a risk.)

This sounds great.  I know of a few other such courses, some applied
directly to relationships, and some that are more general.  I hesitate
to recommend them, given as this is a non-commercial forum, and
because many people seem to be quite wary of such organizations, for
various reasons (most of which I don't understand).  I have found that
some of them are quite effective in inducing the "light bulb syndrome"
-- you know, when you have an sudden realization and that light bulb
comes on above your head -- which I mentioned in response to Dawn
Hardin's post about teaching remedial math to non-traditional college
students.

   You might be right about the singles bar thing.  However, having thought
   about this problem from the new perspective I now have, it occurs to me
   that perhaps the *best* way to approach this is by giving yourself as
   many options as possible.  Don't rule out singles bars.  They *might*
   work.  But don't concentrate on them either.  Rather, visit them
   occasionally.  Not only will this help to maximize your exposure to new
   people, but it will also maintain the variety in your environment, so
   things won't get dull quite so fast.  :-)

Agreed -- I mostly find that I just don't enjoy the noise.  If I am
going to persue conversation which might lead to some kind of new
relationship, i'd like to hear what the other person is saying... :-) :-)

   >Basically the idea is to go out there in the world and love people
   >unconditionally -- to be a contribution to those around you.  If you
   >keep giving like this, eventually someone is gonna get that you care
   >about them.  That kind of mutual giving is what forms any kind of
   >relationship -- be in platonic, or romantic.

   *This* is probably a bad idea.  Not because loving people is a bad idea.
   But rather, giving without getting something bad, if done for too long,
					      [ ^^^ I assume you mean back ]
   is a bad idea.  Humans in general have a need for balance in such things.
   If that balance isn't there, dissatisfaction sets in.  I know this because
   I've done this.

Note that I said "mutual giving".  I agree that giving without _ever_
receiving is bad -- in my book, the "Love Unconditionally" suggestion
applies to both partners.  I too would a avoid a romantic relationship
with someone who _only_ wanted to receive.

Unfortunately there are also people who seem to be unable to receive
-- in fact, many of us refuse to allow others to give to us.  An
example: How many times have you folks out there on the net done
something for someone, and when they thank you, rather than saying
"you're welcome", you say "it's nothing" or something to that effect?
The other person is acknowledging you for your contribution, but you
are negating the contribution of acknowledgement by saying that "it's
no big deal".

   Absolutely.  Fake the confidence if you have to.

An old coach of mine used to say "fake it til' you make it'".

   >With practice, you will no longer be uncomfortable taking that chance.  

   Wrong.  It's *always* unconfortable, if only a little.  There is *always*
   discomfort when there's the possibility that someone else will reject
   you.

Maybe you are right.  But we do become more adept at ignoring that
little voice that says "she might say no" or "I'm too old" or "I don't
look good enough".  That voice will always be with you -- but you
don't have to listen to it.  In fact, the longer you ignore it, the
less it seems to say... :-) :-)

   >And yes, you will succeed in your quest for the relationships you desire.

   This, of course, remains to be seen, but I think the most important piece
   of advice is this:  enjoy the things you do with other people.  If you do
   that, then you'll have gained *something*, even if it's not a relationship.

Come on -- That was my dramatic ending! :-) ;-)

But you are right in your advice.  We tend to say stuff like "When I
HAVE X, I'll DO Y, and then I'll BE Z."  It's much more effective to
say "When I AM Z, I'll DO Y, and then I'll HAVE X." For instance:
"When I am confident, I'll do interesting things, and then I'll have
the relationship I want".

Kevin, again, I applaud you for being willing to do whatever it takes.

					Keep it up! :-)

						Spidey!!!





--
 /\ \  / /\  Josh Diamond                              		   jmd@bear.com
//\\ .. //\\ AKA Spidey!!!                        ...!ctr.columbia.edu!ursa!jmd
//\((  ))/\\
/  < `' >  \          Beauty is the purgation of superfluities. -- Michelangelo
Newsgroups: soc.singles