From: jennifer@yang.earlham.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: hi again..
Date: 13 Oct 92 14:45:16 GMT
Organization: Earlham College, Richmond, Indiana

In article <Bvyqq6.L83.2@cs.cmu.edu>, anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel) writes:
> In a message received on 10 Oct 1992, 14:02
> darkangel <AUVAX1::KS4443F92> wrote
> to: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu

...
>>
>>I remembered something else a couple of days ago. I will warn you that this
>>is..hideous, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't read it, or even never
>>spoke to me for it. But I have to say it...as much as I hate to think about it.
>>
>>Whenever he(the first perp) would have finished doing whatever he had done (I
>>don't know what it was, it was never the same..usually worse than the last
>>time)  he would stroke my hair and kiss me and rock me in his lap..like it had
>>always been me he loved..and then he'd carry to my room and put me in my bed,
>>and sit there next to me for a while.  But then he would just hurt me again and 
>>then afterwards do the same thing. I don't understand it now, and I really
>>didn't then. Maybe there really isn't anything to understand. The worst part is
>>that I liked it...I mean when he would sit there and comfort (is that really
>>what you'd call it?) me..I thought maybe he'd stop..or something. But now this
>>only confuses me more.  This is supposed to be out of hate, right? But did he
>>really hate me?  I wish he'd just hit me afterwards..at least I could have
>>understood that. These things are the same thing my so does to me when he
>>comforts me...and I know it isn't the same thing...but why doesn't it, in my
>>mind, feel as if they aren't the same? 
>>
>>
>>
>>(help....)
>>
>>
>>darkangel

Oh, how totally crummy.  it is hard sometimes to figure out how to fix it 
in your head when crummy people do nice things.  How else could the child 
in you respond to the perp being nice to you, especially when he was your 
brother.  Now that you are an adult, when your so does some loving, 
caring, thing, remember that he or she does it out of a real, honest love 
for you, not from their messed up head.  It is okay, the way you felt when 
your brother comforted you- you were in a messed up situation and what 
looked like love and caring was what you needed so much, and so you saw it 
as that.  I'm not surprised that your brother could switch back and forth 
from hurting you to holding you, and it makes about a million tons of 
sense that this does confuse you.  These things aren't the same (what your 
perp did and what your so does) but maybe you kindof see them the same way 
because they both sortof reach that same part of you--the child that needs 
that love so much.  I wish I could do more to help you.  Feel okay about 
you, it is okay to like it when someone is nice to you, and it is 
especially okay to like it when you have a pretty strong suspicion that 
the person giving you love and caring about you is a nice, relatively 
stable person.  Please don't dissappear on us, darkangel, I would miss you.
Feel free to write back to me personally, or post back, or both or neither 
or whatever.
Strength,
Jen

Jennifer Quick
JENNIFER@YANG.EARLHAM.EDU