From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  6.K
Date: 7 Oct 92 06:11:50 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





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Bumper snicker:
	   I've been sentenced to life on Earth

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Have you heard the story about this man who held up a bank, and fainted
before he could get away with the money.  He was promptly taken to the hospital.
Police later found that he could not have gotten away anyw!!?! ... he had left
his keys inside the "getaway car" and locked himself out.

----------------------------------------------------

"`Today the city ... tomorrow the world!!' 
 `Today the city, tomorrow the world? That means...' he did
some rapid calculation: `on Friday the Universe! And that leaves the
weekend free,' he thought."

----------------------------------------------------

     In World War I Berlin, a man stands on a street corner shouting "The
Kaiser is an idiot!" Immediately two members of the secret police appear out of
nowhere and pounce on the poor dissenter, proceeding to arrest him for high
treason. "But I was shouting about the Austrian kaiser, not our kaiser!"
"You can't fool us! We know who the idiot is."

----------------------------------------------------

    In Burbank, (CA), there is a tanning salon that advertises that it is
*SOLAR POWERED*

----------------------------------------------------

Q: how many Clev. Brown players does it take to go ice fishing ?
A: 6,   two to cut a hole in the ice and four to push the boat through.

Q: did you hear about the Clev. Brown Player who died raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

Q: how about they guy who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on him.

----------------------------------------------------

Another reason to learn how to spell:

Can't Spell
	Thomas Lee Jones, 24, was arrested last September for robbing
	a Santa Barbara restaurant with a note threatening "to shot"
	employees.  Police set up a roadblock asking people to spell
	"shoot".  They soon apprehended Jones.

Can't Count
	In Cranston, R.I., Donald M. Thomas, 34, escaped in March
	after serving 89 days of a 90-day jail sentence for
	disorderly conduct and thus now faces up to 20 years in prison.

Brain?
	Lawry Adams, 27, was arrested in Harrison, N.Y., in Jan.
	when he was stopped in a routine traffic check and could not
	produce a driver's license.  He gave his brother's name
	(which he was unable to spell) and his brother's date of
	birth (but was not able to give the age that corresponds to
	it).

----------------------------------------------------

The Manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to 
come into his office.  "What is your name." was the first thing that the 
Manager asked the New Guy.

"John." the New Guy replied.

The Manager scoweled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby 
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.  
It breeds familiarty and that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer 
to my employees by their last name only:  Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all.  
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.  Now that we got that 
straight, what is your last name?"

The New Guy sighed "Darling.  My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .  "

----------------------------------------------------

This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York City.  
He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC.  So he goes to 
Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one way ticket.  
As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.

Three days later, he wakes up.  He sees a nun standing at the end of the bed.  
She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where they operated 
on him and saved his life.  She says that the hospital took the liberty of 
going through his belongings and, frankly, they were a bit worried as to 
whether he would be able to pay for the operation.  He admits that this might 
be a problem.  He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last 
few dollars on a train ticket.

The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to 
pay your hospital bills for you?  He replies that his only living relative 
is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia.  The nun becomes 
furious.  Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are married 
to GOD.

Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.

----------------------------------------------------

From Victor S. Schwartz:

As Rochester's farewell gift to me (this is my final trip to Rochester 
prior to leaving Xerox on 8 August), I was presented with a citation 
last night for driving 54 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone.

The police officer was very nice, and told me he was NOT going to give 
me a "Speeding Ticket", but would give me a citation for a "lesser offense", 
which would have a lower fine and would not affect my insurance rates.

The offense cited?  "Failure to observe traffic control sign", where the 
"traffic control sign" in question, the officer explained, was the posted 
speed limit of 40 mph!

----------------------------------------------------

>I have often wondered what the cutoff is for poor, middle, upper middle, 
>and rich classes. Does anybody have some dollar income figures for these 
>classes? In otherwords, how much money does a person have to make a year 
>to be in each of these classes?

A friend responded:

A few years ago my (then) wife, a CPA, told me of a client of hers, an 
attorney making $95,000+ per year, who lost a dispute with the IRS over 
a few thousand dollars.  The attorney's comment was "See--they always 
screw the little guy."

I think the definition of these classes depends an awful lot on who the 
person is doing the defining!

----------------------------------------------------

Mediterranean mating call

Los Angeles Times, July 23, 1990:

After a year of living with Medflies and malathion in Southern
California, there are people who wonder why the state has yet to unleash
a powerful weapon against the pest -- the harmonica.

As readers of the Farmer's Almanac know, the sound of the instrument's
lower F-sharp imitates perfectly the mating call of the Mediterranean
fruit fly, which will follow the sound to the ends of the earth -- or at
least out of Los Angeles county.

----------------------------------------------------

The following question and answer appeared in the "Ask the Globe"
section of the Boston Globe on Friday, July 6, 1990.

Q. An obscure legal document states that Lake Webster in the
south-central Massachusetts town of Webster is "also known as Lake
Chargoggagoggmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaug."  Is this true and, if so,
what does it mean?

A.  'Tis true.  According to the Encyclopedia of New England, the word
-- of Algonquin Indian origin -- roughly translates to "You fish on your
side, I fish on my side, and nobody fish in the middle."

----------------------------------------------------

From a message in Risks Digest 10.06, concerning the Advanced Tactical
Fighter:

(ATF is a highly automated plane that will eventually -- one is told --
house the Pilot's Assistant, an AI package that can fly, land, and fight
the plane under every circumstance.  Right.  Anyway...)

        The ATF has two cockpits.  In the front one is a man.  In the
        back one is a dog.  The responsibility of the man is to turn
        around periodically and feed the dog.  The responsibility of the
        dog is to bite the man if he ever tries to touch any of the
        controls.

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Borland Upgrade Order (funny)
From: Wayne Nichols:Wbst897AI:xerox

Several weeks ago, I sent in the upgrade offer to receive the new Turbo
C++ compiler for $125.  Yesterday (7/24), my wife called to tell me that
a very long UPS truck had parked in front of our house, and the UPS
driver wanted to know where to put the ** 7 pallets ** of stuff that I
had ordered.  The total shipment was approx. 7000 pounds!

I asked to see the packing list, and Borland had shipped me ** 691 **
copies of the Turbo C++ upgrade!!  The invoice total was ** $93,290 ** 
--
not bad for a credit card order!

Needless to say, I refused the shipment.  Then I called Borland's
Customer Support and told them that I had placed an order, but didn't
receive what I had asked for.  After checking the order, she immediately
understood why.
The situation was quickly resolved to my satisfaction.

Probable cause?  'Data entry error'.
But $93,290 on a credit card??  691 units to a residential address??
I'm sure glad one of the kids hadn't answered the door.  I can just
imagine it:
	'Sign right where?  OK.  I guess you can put it the back, 
	in front of the garage ...'

----------------------------------------------------

From an Internet newsgroup, we read the following report:


                     Voyager Mission Status Report
                              May 2, 1990

        On April 17, Attitude and Articulation Control Subsystem (AACS),
    Computer Command Subsystem (CCS), and Flight Data Subsystem (FDS) memory
    readouts and a playback of PWS and Imaging Science (ISS) data were per-
    formed. (The ISS data consisted of the "family portrait" images lost due to
    rain during the March 23 playback.)  Due to a maser failure at the 70 meter
    ^^^^
    antenna in Spain (DSS-63),[...]
               ^^^^^

The rain in Spain affects mainly antenna gain...?

----------------------------------------------------

How Many Xeroids Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb...

  1  to change the bulb
  4  to handle the T&M billing for the change
  3  to handle the FSMA billing for the change
 15  to resolve the the T&M and FSMA billings
  3  to get tracings of the old and new bulbs
  2  to tell you they will contact Dallas for an answer
  2  to tell you you have to ship the bulb to El Segundo
  4  to tell you you will have to contact El Segundo for an answer
  1  to tell you that filaments are scheduled for Release 5.0
  2  to tell you that Release 5.0 has slipped another quarter
  0  to tell you filaments have been slipped to Release 6.0
  6  to offer to let you beta-test an early version of the pre-filaments
  1  to tell you the release version is completely different from
     the beta-test version
  1  to tell you it's too late to call El Segundo to resolve the problem
  3  to tell you it will be resolved in a maintenence release
All  to tell you it is no longer their responsibility under the
     new reorganization
  3  to tell you they can't get someone out of Reading/Jackson until
     at least Thursday (a week)
  1  to tell you the current socket is ~not~ compatible with the current release
  6  to tell you that bulbs purchased two releases ago are no longer compatible
  3  to tell you to use socket cleaning kits at least once a week
  2  to tell you to run socket check which will require 14 hours of dark time
 18  to tell you to use your customer socket configuration bulb
  3  to tell you to call the Light Support Center (LSC)
 17  to ~not~ answer the phones and operate the hold music at the LSC
  3  to throw darts at the LSC answer dart board to provide the answer
     to the problem you called them about
 17  to collect the serial number for the bulb you are calling the LSC about
  0  to track the problems by serial number
  4  to tell you that this kind of bulb is ~not~ compatible with
     European versions
  6  to tell you if you want 50 watts you can daisy-chain two 25 watts
     together, but you can only use 25 watts at a time
 17  to ~not~ document the changes between the releases of the lightware
 25  to tell you the bulb is bright enough although they personally
     use candles at home
  3  to tell you the socket will ~not~ work with non-Xerox bulbs
  4  to tell you the trade-in for sockets to upgrade from 25 watts
     to 50 watts is very small and there is no trade-in on the old bulb
  3  to tell you the bulb expansion adaptor requires a factory installed
     upgrade which is ~not~ covered under the maintenance agreement
  7  to tell you the Bulb Interface Board (BIB) will not work with a
     dimmer switch, but will work with the normal switches
  4  to tell you it's a bulb problem, and their responsibility is only
     for sockets
  4  to tell you it's a socket problem, and their responsibility is only
     for bulbs
  1  to accidently partition the new bulb, thereby destroying it's filament
  6  to tell you the secret bulb installation password
     (which incidently is "BLUBTHGIL")
  3  to tell you bulb installation must be done by a Light Support Rep (LSR)
     and that you are not permitted to use the secret password
  2  Light Support Reps who never heard of passwords or lightbulbs
  6  to tell you there are bad sectors on the bulb and only the LSR can
     enter the bad sectors
  3  to tell you the bulb check file, which is inside the bulb check file,
     which is inside the bulb check file, was a result of a problem no one
     has ever heard of before and there is no way the Lightware could have
     ever caused a problem like this
 10  recordings to tell you that the Light Support Center in Dallas is closed
     except between the hours of 10:00 am and 2:00 pm Alaska Time, on the fifth
     Tuesday of every alternate month which has fewer than 29 days
126  competant Xeroids who quit Xerox during the regular quarterly RIF
214  incompetant Xeroids who didn't quit Xerox during the regular quarterly RIF
  4  to tell you that your bulb failed because you didn't run a nightly backup
     to another bulb
  7  to tell you that single-bulb backup could take up to fourteen backup bulbs
     because of too-tight constraints on the backup bulb.  However, the problem
     will be fixed in a maintenence release sometime after Release 6.0 and would
     we be interested in Beta-Testing the new bulb backup?
  1  to lead the Xerox sing-along at the next semi-annual LEDGE
     (Lightly Educated Dummies Groping for Elucidation) meeting


 ... Which all goes to prove that Xerox can really socket it to you ...

----------------------------------------------------

-Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldiers
in a Chuck Norris film				: 	4
-Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to
 Vanna White					: 	3506
-Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus	: 8
  In politicians				: 7
- Number of chemical elements in the universe	: 104
  In a glass of New Yersey tap water		: 98
- Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed by the 3
major networks					: thirtysomething
- Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians
are written off as pennant contendors		: 5
- Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski lope
						: 17
 On Tammy Bakker				: 1/4
- Salary of the average Pro Wrestler		: $47,500 /yr.
 If Pro Wrestling didn't exist			: $3,35/hr.
- Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney 	: 2,000,000
  Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney 	: 23,000,000
- Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad
 say " 30 mph,city"				: 23
- Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them
 on TV						: 57
 Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals
						: 5,840
- Number of people in the history of air travel who have been
 able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast 	: 2
 Restrictions for that fare			: 237
- Percentage of the public that understand the new tax
 code						: 11%
 Percentage of accountants who understand it 	: 9%
 Percentage of IRS employees who understand it 	: 6%
- Number of people who work for the government	: about half
- Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics
 on this page are accurate			: 2,478,644
 Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy	: 2,478,644


Newsgroups: rec.humor