From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: Re; where I am now
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 00:36:56 GMT

> [Lisa writes about guilt & anger over her relationship with Shari ]

damn, I always want to respond with about 5 minutes of time - here goes...

I CAN RELATE IN A BIG WAY !!!!!
I have spent past 3 years vacilatinig between guilt & anger in my relationship
with SA (my partner in life).  I feel guilty cause I couldn't do enough for
her & angry at myself for feeling guilty & for "giving in" and taking care of
her instead of looking at my own needs.  Most of that time there was so much
guilt & anger I couldn't even see what my needs were - so even when I had some
time for myself I wasn't doing much constructive with it.  Talk about a 
codependent relationship - we were the devinition!!
	I have struggled hard for the past year (actually both of us have) to
change this and it has - slowly.  A few weeks ago the corner turned & I now know
I WILL NO LONGER ACT AS A CARETAKER :-):-) yeah yeah yeah !!!!
When I realized it it was like fireworks going off - it was like huge chains 
had been taken off my shoulders and legs & I could run & fly.  It was a big 
deal!!

	So what happened:   First about 5 weeks ago SA woke up in the middle of
the night with sharp pains in her abdoment & lower back.  I was sleeping
downstairs ( often we like to sleep by ourselves for a night or so or
longer).   She came down because she was scared. I rubbed her back and talked
with her a while, then went upstairs to sleep with her & comfort her.   As we
were getting into bed she remembered the medecine was downstairs and asked me
to get her a drink & get her medecine.  Michael, the teenager inside of me just
screamed inside - another case of jsut wnating me to take care of her.  I told
her I just couldn't & maybe better sleep downstairs.  She said "what if it gets 
worse & I can't call out for you".  My answer was (totally serious, not 
flippant or sarcastic) "then call 911".

Needless to say there was some anger about this.  But we kind of covered it up
after a day or 2.  I had talked with my therapist & realized how shut off I had 
become from sharing my needs with SA.

That weekend I kind of fell apart.  I had been asking and asking SA to just 
hold me for the past week.  She never would.  By Sat. I just ended up screaming
& crying telling her I just need her or somebody to hold me.  That got thru to 
her she finally was able to hold me.  But she also told me about all the times
she wnated me to be there for her & I wouldn't/couldn't.

I finally understood.  

About 2 weeks later I realized that with telling her no the night she was sick,
and feeling the feelings of wanting her to comfort me so badly, I had somehow
finally broken out of the cycle of caretaker.

Well I've got more but I'm going to be very late for an appt. so I'll
write later.

Fare-Well
m&m



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