From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Subject: Re: Child/schizm
Organization: Reed College, Portland OR
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 16:47:39 GMT
Distribution: alt

In article <1992Apr7.162634.18389@hubcap.clemson.edu> gberger@hubcap.clemson.edu (gary l berger) writes:
>I am not sure where to start here but here goes.  Some time ago there
>was a thread about finding your inner-child.  This developed into a talk
>about outer-children.  I found this pretty interesting.  There seems
>to be a duality to my personality that really frustrates me.  
>
>There is this side of my that is angry, hurt, creative, and very scared.
>There is this other side of me that is removed, analytical, critical,
>and compliant.  It seems as though the two shall never meet.  Depending
>on the amount of emotional energy that is present in the former it seems as
>though I determine where I will operate.  If there is alot of anger, I operate
>from the former, if not, then the latter.  
>
>Is this duality what the inner child dialogue is about?  If this is the
>case, how does one move towards integration?  How do I make the two meet?
>

     This sounds very similar to what I feel!  For me, the biggest problem
was that the older "me" blamed the younger "me" for all the pain of my abuse,
so I split that younger me off.  With him went all the abuse memories, my
spontaneous creativity, and a host of other wonderful things.  And my ability
to feel my emotions went too.  So it was like there was an entire self split
off.  And looking at it that way, it seems a pretty abusive thing to do to a
child.  So this younger me resented it and stopped trusting the adult me.
I've since tried to open a communications channel and forgive the younger me,
realizing he wasn't to blame for what happened.  And by doing that, the
younger me slowly began to trust again.  As that process has evolved, I feel
more integrated.  I more often feel childlike delight and joy.  I now can
see more clearly than ever before.  I used to have really narrow vision,
which is kind of hard to explain.  At the same time I've felt the pain of
the abuse and have more access to my old memories, both good and bad.  When
I have old painful memories, I try to be accepting and not blame that younger
me for the pain, but instead get angry at those who abused me.  So much of
my anger turned inward has kept me from healing.

>As I mentioned in another post, the me that is emotional, angry, vital,
>I have labled as being bad.  The other me, calculating, adult, etc. is what
>I believe the world wants.  So I crucify myself.  I put the other me to 
>death.  I am afraid that other people don't want the other me.  
>

     I've been and often am very judgemental about myself.  Accepting that
being emotional, being angry or sad or whatever is truly human has been slow.
That there is a full range of emotion, and by being able to be open to deep
sadness or deep anger gives me the space to be open to deep happiness and
joy is a wonderful discovery.  Getting past the lies like it's not good to
be angry or cry helps.  Why else would I have the capacity for such emotions
if they are really bad?

>Anyway, I have always been confused about what I feel and what I want.  There 
>is such a high level of ambivalance and vacilation.  It makes it almost     
>impossible to know what I want or what to do.
>
>Any insight available???

     It's what I feel is right for me, and not what other's think is right
that's so important.  And I've always looked outside myself to "know" what
is supposed to be right.  Knowing now it's okay to be angry and sad; that
those are truly appropriate emotions was an important discovery for me.  I
have a lot to be angry about.  I'm angry about being abused; I'm angry at
not being protected or comforted or heard.  And I'm livid about all the
years I've felt like a zombie, all the energy I've spent to keep from
remembering (the young "me" was a threat to my survival because "he" had
all the memories and I had to repress him), all the childhood I lost and
all my needs that were never met.  Getting past the roadblocks of the lies
about who I was and how I was supposed to ask, and especially forgiving
myself has allowed me to progress.

Good luck in healing!
Robert


-- 
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Robert Ankeney                 | "Yield and overcome.                |
...!tektronix!reed!bob         |  Bend and be straight.              |
...!tektronix!bob@reed.EDU     |  Empty and be full."    - Lao Tzu   |