From: ksm@abb-sc.abb-sc.com (Ashley)
Newsgroups: alt.pagan
Subject: An amusing, but true story.
Date: 6 Oct 92 05:25:26 GMT
Organization: Kaos Laboratories


In article <Bvn03E.4Dx@stonehenge.wltshr.uk>, itu73@stonehenge (George Bacon) writes...
> 
>     I think you guys are all wrong.  You  see,  the  cycle  goes
>from  the  lowest insect life all the way up the chain to humans,
>followed by the highest form of life, rocks.  
> 
>George Bacon
>itu73@stonehenge.wltshr.uk


	Oh dear Goddess, I've gotta tell this story now....

Some time ago I was crusing the metaphysical shops and I came upon a New Age 
store selling all sorts of useless crap. Lots of feel-good and emotional 
placebo drivel, but some nice stones in the back. I was admiring a beautifully 
carved soapstone when a salesgirl approched me and said something to the effect 
of "oh wow, your aura is so needy right now". Blood of the Moon, I thought, 
it's Shirley Mc Hardsell! So I went along with her. She proptly brought me over 
to a very impressive display cabinet full of some of the most ordinary 
specimens of quartz crystals I had ever seen. She then began to explain to me 
that souls evolve up from minerals, to fungi, to the true plants and then 
become enlightened plants as herbs. After that they enter the animal and work 
their way up to becoming human. Humans must struggle to gain enlightenment, 
but once they do, they are reincarnated as crystals. And these, she announced 
proudly, pointing to the display case, where the Crystal Friends!
	
	I could hardly contain myself. And being a coyote, I came up with a 
absolutely horrible and absolutely necessary joke to play here.

	With great reverance the salesgirl took a black velvet pillow out of 
the case and introduced me to several of the Crystal Friends. Here was 
Voltaire, here was Abraham Lincon, here was Lao Tsu, and, she announced, this 
one is Martin Luther King. She carefully removed Martin Luther King from the 
velvet and placed him on my hand. She showed me how to pass my hand over the 
crystal so that her would know my aura. She then pronounced that Dr. King had 
sent her a crystal message that he liked me and would be my "Special" Crystal 
Friend. She turned and looked up the price on the velvet pillow. Triumphantly, 
she turned to me and announced that he was a bargain at $300.

	I had made a stop in a candy store earlier in the day, and while she 
had been looking for the price, I had replaced the piece of plain quartz with 
a similar piece of rock candy.

	When the salesgirl turned around, I was still stroking the crystal and 
so she began to list off the points of their installment plan. Just then I 
popped the rock candy in my mouth and crunched it with my lips barred. She 
screamed. Pieces of rock candy fell down my chin as I chewed with my mouth 
open. She wailed and cried out "You ate him! You ate one on the Crystal 
Friends!!" and begain to go into hysterics. The manager appeared immediately 
and I tossed the real piece of quartz to him and said something innane like 
"here's your rock". It was all I could do to get out of the store before I 
burst a gut laughing.

	So much for enlightened rocks!

				- Ashley
Newsgroups: alt.pagan