From: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com (Nancy Agnew)
Subject: Re: hello out there
Originator: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 13:53:15 GMT
Organization: SAS Institute Inc.


In article <BsowM7.9HL@twwells.com>, anon-1174@twwells.com writes:
>I don't know where to begin, so I'll start in the middle.

As good a place as any.  Welcome.

>... here I am, [...] comfortably
>cocooned in this funny skin that the rest of the world seems to think is
>me.  I know this skin: what it expects of me, how to perform in it, how
>to carefully craft the thoughts and feelings it presents to the world.
>It has served me well.  It has kept me sane.  It has kept me alive.  And
>now, it seems, it is killing me.

Well put.  I know exactly what you mean.  It needn't kill you, but
there may have to be a breach so that what it presents and what it
covers up re-equilibrate and you actually are who you are.  It's
a pain, but it is possible.  It is also what makes it possible to
feel joy, hope, and some of those other things that it probably
seems like only other people feel.  That's how it has worked for me.

Sometimes I think feelings aren't all they are cracked up to be,
but then, they are a part of life.  Without them it's just, I don't
know, theater?

>I am trapped in here, in this polished, careful skin.  I am trapped
>behind these words.  I pass the time, formless, unreal, caged, unable 
>to even touch the outside world without help of the artificial.  (No
>coincidence, I think, that I choose to work with computers.)  I am,
>under all this, the ghost of someone who was murdered before there were
>words for all these feelings; and to voice them now, to choose the
>perfect word, is to slip on the skin and process the thought.  It is
>to die a little more.  Only it isn't someone else killing me this time;
>it is me killing myself.
>
>Let me out.

Well, to be zen about it, you have everything you need to unlock
the treasure within yourself, looking outside yourself won't cut it.
This can sound intimidating, as in "yeah, right, and there's nothing
in here anyway, so much for a treasure".  It can also sound not
so bad, as in, "if I have a built-in capacity for it, even if I can't
feel it, well, I'll keep looking for it within".  If you're anything
like me, the former most likely seems more accurate right now.  Doing
some of this work is helping me think more in terms of the latter,
even though there are still plenty of days that the idea of a treasure
within is totally preposterous.  A collosal joke someone is playing
on me.  Well, the folks at ASAR can give good reminders that it isn't
a joke.  Keep writing to the group.

Sometimes you'll need help to get you going, or to keep you going, or
to remind you to take a break and go watch a fluffy movie.  Help from
the outside is possible, but that help will not accomplish what you 
need to do.  Only you can accomplish what you need to do.  Emphasis
on the word CAN.  Lots of us find that a professional with experience
dealing with survivors can provide a lot of help that friends don't
have the knowledge to provide.  My therapist has played a major role
in what I am doing, being an advocate, believing in me, teaching me
what some feelings are called, understanding why I need to be taught.

One of the things that began to give voice to the young part (that they
almost succeeded in killing off before there were words) is, believe
it or not, writing.  A lot.  Every now and then, as I write, some
small little detail comes out that isn't from the front of my brain.
Usually it is a weird little underlying belief that I've held, not
knowing it because it is blocked out, that stems from very early in
my childhood.  These sentences, when they happen, knock me for a loop.
They come to my attention by virtue of their simple language.  They
explain some of the death of the spirit that I have felt for a long,
long time.  They tend to happen when I am writing about my family, and
the abuse, in some exercise that asks me to explore certain feelings and
responses that "they" say I am supposed to have (you know, like being
angry about what happened to me, or expressing loving support for my
inner child).

I stayed in my shell for a long time, even knowing that I should come
out to get relief from panic attacks.  It just seemed safer, easier,
known.  I basically had to force myself to start working on this by
setting a time, an hour a week, during which I would be willing to 
look at things (I used _The Courage to Heal_ to help me figure out what
things there were to look at).  Once the shell was breached, it became
pretty painful, and still is at times.  But eventually I began to see
growth...not constant, but little spurts here and there.  And those
little sentences came out of nowhere onto the page to put before me the
intellectual awareness of those bizarre beliefs.  Working those into
emotional awareness takes longer.

If the "ghost of the someone who was murdered" you speak of gets a
chance for a voice, you might breach the shell and jump on the
roller coaster ride that is the healing process.  You really have to
want to do it.  Half hearted attempts most likely won't be enough to
get you over some of the hurdles.  It is hard, but MUCH easier than
being abused was.  It takes time and commitment, but it will lead you to
the treasure within you.

best of luck, anon-1174...do you have a name that you want us to use?
NLA

-- 
Nancy Agnew                         sasnla@unx.sas.com
SAS Institute Inc,  SAS Campus Dr,  Cary NC 27513-2414
My company's opinions are not likely mine, and vice versa.