From: jeberg@jusit.uio.no (Jan Erling Berg)
Subject: Blondinevitser del 2
Followup-To: no.vitser
Organization: uio
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 10:46:45 GMT

Etter utallige oppfordringer(+trusler!) poster jeg her flere
blondinevitser.

Med respekt for gruppens lesere holder jeg naa tilbake det resterende
materiale jeg har, inkludert Eiendomsmeglervitser(the list) og
Advokatvitser(the list).
Det kan fort bli for mye av det gode og det respekterer jeg.

Til dem som etterlyser norsk oversettelse er det aa fortelle at jeg
arbeider med 
samisk versjon. Det er foreslaatt at denne postes p sa.vitser!!!

Er det noen umettelige mennesker der ute kan trusselbrev og kjoepsforslag
sendes til meg.

God helg:

Q:   What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A:   Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q:   What do you call a Prostitute and Four Blondes?
A:   Regular price, Four bucks, Four bucks, Four bucks, Four bucks.

Q:   How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A:   She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she
     did with her pencil.

Q:   Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A:   She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q:   How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A:   She fell out of the tree

Q:   How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
     Maple Leafs?
A:   She fell out of a tree.

Q:   What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A:   An Air Bag

Q:   What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A:   Humpme Dumpme.

Q:   How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A:   One.

Q:   Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A:   They don't know the route.

Q:   What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A:   A thought.

Q:   What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A:   A whine cellar.

Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A:   Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q:   How would a blonde punctuate the following?:
     "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A:   Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q:   Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?
A:   So they can get the male into the right box.

Q:   Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"?
A:   She was always being filled with cream.

Q:   Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
A:   Because the can't even keep two calves together!

Q:   Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons?
A:   Not all blondes are women!

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A:   It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q:   Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A:   She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q:   Why has the Virgin Mary always been portrayed
     as a brunette?
A:   Because, she wouldn't have been a virgin if she 
     was blonde.

Q:   what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A:   pregnant



Q:   How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A:   Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
     blow dryer!

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
     pygmies?
A:   One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

Q:   Why did the blonde cross the road?
A:   Never mind that!  What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?

Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.

Q:   What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A:   A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q:   Whats the difference between a BLONDE and the Panama Canal?
A:   Ones a busy ditch,...

Q:   What do you call six blondes lying on the floor?
A:   An air mattress.

Q:   How do you plant dope?
A:   Bury a blonde.

Q:   Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A:   Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q:   Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A:   She missed.

Q:   Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A:   So the crabs can go bunji jumping.

Q:   What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
     and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A:   One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .  

Q:   What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A:   If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q:   What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A:   She can't say "No".

Q:   What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A:   A visitor.

Q:   Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A:   They're doing research on black holes.

Q:   How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A:   A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
     bosses' faces.	

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A:   You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q:   Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A:   They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q:   What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
     and a blonde?
A:   The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?"
     The nympho says "Are you done already?"
     The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the
     ceiling beige."

Q:   What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A:   A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q:   What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A:   Perri-air

Q:   What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a 
     blonde track team?
A:   The pygmies are Cunning Runts.

Q:   Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A:   Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was 
     still stuck.

Q:   Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A:   She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.

Q:   When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A:   When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
   
Q:   What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A:   The Air Pump!

Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A:   Data transfer.

Q:   What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A:   "Thanks for the refill!"

Q:   How do you change a blonde's mind?
A:   Blow in her ear.

Q:   Why did the blonde cross the road.
R:   I don't know.
A:   neither did she.

Q:   What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A:   Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to  
     do...

Q:   Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A:   Peroxide.

Q:   What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
A:   nothing - they've never met.

Q:   What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Peurto
     Rican?
A:   Retardo.

Q:   Why did the blonde wear Condoms on her ears?
A:   So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q:   What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
A:   An IN-body experience!

Q:   When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A:   After a dye job.

Q:   Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A:   They can't find the zipper.

Q:   How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A:   By the ears.

Q:   What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her  
     thoughts?
A:   Change.

Q:   How does a blonde moonwalk?
A:   She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the 	           
     floor!

Q:   Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A:   Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

Q:   Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1:  So brunets can remember them.
A2:  Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

Q:   Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A:   Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde
Joke
     List.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
          people were leaving.


A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

Three preganant women (a blonde, a brunette and a redhead) are
discussing the facts of life.
The brunette declares, "I'm going to have a boy".
"How do you know?", asks the blonde.
"Well, I was on the bottom when we did it and so its going to be a boy",
replied the brunette.
The redhead replies, "If that's the case, my child is a girl because
I was on top".
The blonde then starts bawling, "I'm going to have a puppy". 

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said 
"Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks and says "Those
arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No.  Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both 
killed by a train.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to 
herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had
cleaned 43 restrooms.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde
said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out,
I'll sink?"

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
          a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:   Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde:   Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde:   Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
          we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.

Hubby:        As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
              could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife:  Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
              without the gardener.

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, 
and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and 
estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, "I'm going to 
try to swim to shore."  So she swam out five miles, and got really 
tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired 
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and 
starve." So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead had a lot more 
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even 
got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!  I think 
I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"  So she swam back.

The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what 
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. 
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about 
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and 
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!

     A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven.   When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven,
you have to pass a test."
    "Oh No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
    "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter
    The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
    "That's interesting...  What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
    Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me!  Andy talks with me! 
Andy tells me..." 

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a 
book called "How to Hug"?  Got back to the dorm and found out it was
volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up
to observe a bird flying overhead.  Suddenly, the
bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"



Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.

Did you hear about the blonde who...
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Blondes...
They take a lickin', and keep on...
Lickin!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

 

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes
out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments
he finally agrees.
 So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes
in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black one
before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that's a very special dildo...i
Newsgroups: no.vitser