From: megazone@obsidian.WPI.EDU (MegaZone23)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Re: just a simple cry for help
Date: 6 Jan 1993 08:37:15 GMT
Organization: WPI USAF -- United Society of Animation Fans
NNTP-Posting-Host: obsidian.wpi.edu
Keywords: help me

Jenna always said I could repay her by helping someone else. She led a similar
life to me, just a few years ahead, and now it seems there is someone a few
years behind me...

In article <1icn37INNnab@master.cs.rose-hulman.edu> williasr@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Steven R. Williams) writes:
>I don't know that I have any real (specific) problems to talk about right  
>now, but there are a few things that I need to say. 

I've found that it is hard to put a finger on a particular problem when you're
down. Everything is opressive...

>I have been unable to cry (tears) now for several months even though I've  
>been more depressed lately than I can ever remember being.  It bothers me  

I went for several years that way... When my grandfather and uncle died the
same week and I couldn't shed a tear I thought something was wrong with me. 
That I didn't care, that I was cold... Those were bad years, I only began
crying when I was very very down and very very tired... It wasn't until Jenna
talked with me that that wall came down. I still have problems crying, but
I'm not as ashamed of it (raised with the old men don't cry ideal...) and I
have a few times... Even crying in private is better than not crying.. I
utterly collapsed on Jenna and she had to keep me together when it started. I
thought I wasn't going to stop... but it felt good to let it out.

The thing is, you can never force it. If you think about it, dwell on the fact
that you can't cry you will have more problems. and that will lead to more 
stress and doubt... a circular path, a trap. DOn't dwell on it, but if you
find yourself burying feelings try and stop. True catharsis is spontaneous...
THe tears will flow when you are ready, subconciously. In the meantime, 
consider the situation. Is there a reason why your mind my be avoiding tears?
Maybe it would be too much right now, let one bit out and start a flood...

>that I am going through a lot of pain and no one seems to notice or care.  

Unfortunately that seems to be true, but also keep in mnd that your depression
can exagerate the situation too... Don't expect mind readers, watch for the
slightest signs of concern. I was lucky, I found a mindreader....

>I am however finally beginning to see beyond myself and see that I'm not  
>the only one with problems, but I can hardly worry much with anyone else  

That's how I got by, making sure I stayed aware that I wasn't alone. Actually
one of my 'problems' at the time was trying to help everyone without taking
care of myself. I took on everyone's pain to save them... Jenna helped me to
help others without hurting myself as much.

>until I get out of the mess I'm in. I have just about lost the ability to  
>verbally express myself and never enter into conversation unless someone  
>brings me into it leaving me to turn further and further inward on myself.

Ya'know, as I read this I thought of what I did.. try writing. I turned to
prose and poetry... and then I read the next statement. Seems we have a bit in
common....

>So I sit and write poetry and write, and write....problem is no one ever  
>reads the poems so I'm still not allowing anyone to see how I'm feeling.  

A lot of the things I first wrote are gone now... I'd write them to pour out
the pain, and then I'd delete them... I rarely saved any of them... It was
only last June that I started saving and posting them...

>And the poems are largely depressing and occasionally about suicide  
>(however (somehow) never about death). I'm not in the mood for suicide,  

I wrote this when I was very down and very angry with life...

This is the first poem I saved and posted....

Cut

Slip the tape into the player
Press the button
The sounds begin
Raise the blade
Turn it in the light
Feel the edge
Sharp
Good
Raise your arm
Look for a good place to start
There on the back
Press the point into your flesh
The blade slips in easily
Don't go to deep
Move the blade to the music
Feel the pain
The burning sensation
Blood wells
Taste it
Bitter
Metallic
Beautiful
Continue cutting
Just breaking the skin
Let your emotions guide your hand
There
It is done
Look at the pattern
Store it
Close your eyes
Feel all the nerves
Focus on the pain
The sweet pain
Listen to the music
Blood dries
Music ends
Fold the knife
Place it back in your pocket
Throw on your jacket to hide your art
Go out and face the cold world

-megazone, in a reflective mood, 6/23/92

>just a simple cry for help though,

You probably don't realise how big a step that is. For all my joking I want
you to know that I am here if you ever want to talk. email or phone, I'll
help if I can.

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