From: marek@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Marek Lugowski)
Subject: lost kayak / Marek (1990)
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 18:32:04 GMT


		lost kayak
		-------------------------------------------------------------


		1.
		
		midnight o five
		you're not there
		i sweep the lake vapor
		with narrow too soft light
		no sight
		no kayak
		
		where are you?
		who took you?
		did the wind blow you
		off again
		except we had no winds
		'm thinking.
		
		where are you?
		
		at the boatdock
		no trace
		darkest thoughts
		it must have been those fishermen
		"i'd like to have one of those"
		"no, i'd like the paddle"
		
		maybe the weekend kids
		it's dark
		what can i do where can i look
		
		oh, what a feeling
		... sick feeling.
		
		like a blow to the windshield and no radio
		in the big cruel city
		or a fragile cruel sixteen-year-old not
		home when she said she'd be...
		
		back home, the fire's still going
		and i have a better flashlight in the (unlocked) car
		on the side of the road, hundred yards uphill.
		
		
		2.
		
		well, yes... there is a shape it could be
		a log
		it could be
		a kayak
		at the opposite side of the cove
		i can't resolve it with this fog and this light
		fog and light fog and light
		and faint horizontal lines low.
		
		back home, grab oar, shed jeans
		(not logical, what about the thorns
		fuck 'em, this is better for wading)
		
		a quick hike through the steep green
		no shawnee me
		i am so noisy, jeez
		
		something with hooves gets out of my way
		i pause to listen, delicate gravel clicketty clacketty noise.
		it's out on the road.
		deer are getting smugger every day.
		must not be the season.
		
		across the creek, through the thicket
		are you here?
		beam and fog, beam and fog
		no.
		
		further on, maybe.
		
		break through the kindling wood, circumvent the
		giant spider web (lot's of work, fellow!)
		squat low by the thorny bush
		ouch, got me.
		here?  no.
		
		here?  see anything here?
		just fallow trunks sweaty water.
		
		there!
		up the shore!  blue on gray, first positive sighting.
		load off my mind.
		
		i get there, you're half deflated one one side,
		but we can make it across, we've had worse.
		i check the rigging
		one more eyelet missing, no holes
		ms. indestructible...
		
		i tumble in
		and slowly paddle kneeling
		looking for the missing
		orange life preserver
		no go
		wait with that until tomorrow.
		
		my flashlight cuts across the water
		and picks out standing fish below the surface,
		waving their tails
		"come on, boy, whatcha doin' here.  wanna buy a blow?"
		echoes of chicago
		
		how weird
		you could scoop them or spear them
		they're pretty big, i'd keep those
		except that i don't fish.  especially fish with
		drugs on them
		
		concentrated p.c.b.s
		
		overhead, the everest oh so clear milky way,
		my reason for wanting on the water
		in the first place tonight
		
		now for the first time
		i notice i'm sweating
		
		i'm not made to be a parent
		i'd need loots of training
		and i'd die of worry.
		no thanks, no e.r. trips for me
		to check up on emily
		how badly they did her or she did herself
		or file a missing persons...
		
		tomorrow is for telling
		if i met any poison ivy
		along the merry way
		
		good night good day from the bay
		of rabid reunions.
		
		
	
			Marek Lugowski
			25 April 1990, 1:58 a.m.
			Lake Monroe, Indiana