From: tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan)
Subject: Re: At what age is day care appropriate?
Organization: Sylvan Associates
	<1992Apr03.234858.952904@locus.com>
	<1992Apr6.182920.20367@ticipa.pac.sc.ti.com>
	<167C3723E.EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com>
Date: 9 Apr 92 22:42:26

In article <167C3723E.EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com> EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com writes:

   I completely agree with Elise.  Did anybody hear Freud's granddaughter
   on the NPR show"The parent's journal"?  She made the point
   that it's important to a child's well-being that parents lead
   whole lives.  Flame on, but I think that the phenomenon of
   a middle-class woman "staying home" would not, for me, constitute
   a very whole life.  Explain to me, why, when I speak with
   such women that I find them to be obsessed by trivial, banal
   matters such as which garage sale to go to (for example).
   I don't find these women following politics or reading books or
   writing The Great American Novel.  Their marriages are divided
   along strict stereotypical roles.  Daddy mows the lawn and
   Mommy bakes the cakes.  Daddy divorces Mommy when Daddy gets
   to be 45.  Mommy can't find a job and she tells her daughters
   to make sure they learn a marketable skill regardless of whether
   or not they marry.

Your tone here offended me, too. The reason you find which garage sale
to go to (more generally, where to find good inexpensive stuff)
trivial is because that interest doesn't fit into your life. You
likely don't have the time or energy to search out garage sales or
visit used clothing stores regularly, and you theoretically have the
extra income to make ends meet without it. For those women, such a
search might be considered part of their 'job', putting their labors
to work to save money for the family. You condem them for not holding
long interesting (TO YOU) conversations with you about politics, or
think that writing the Great American Novel would be good. If someone
*chooses* to divide chores stereotypically, does that make it bad? Are
we now forbidden to choose a stereotypical activity? Are the divorce
rates different for 2 working parents rather than 1?

I think it's important for people to have a 'balanced' life -
emotionally balanced. I don't think they need to be judged against
anyone else. If a person truly enjoys staying at home with their
family, and would much rather do that than work, then is that truly
unbalanced? We can't all have all the info and specialize in all
fields - a person chooses all the time. Surely I could find topics of
conversation that you are less educated in that I am, and vice versa.
And, even more to the point, I might find your interests trivial and
banal. We all choose our interests, and have various criteria for
choosing them.

When I worked, my life was very different. My focus was very
different. I was a very good worker, very productive. My concerns were
different - like if I was going to have to work OT to finish a
project, if the boss was in a good mood or not, would I look right for
the client, and who would cook dinner that night, my boyfriend or
myself.  Yet I have never had any job I've had inspire me day in and
day out like parenting has.  I didn't know how much medical stuff
about birth I would learn, I didn't know about parenting techniques. I
make the time to sew for my kids, along with frequenting used kids
clothing stores. My major vice is fabric - now, this is going to be
boring to people who don't sew. I am starting to gather the info I'll
need to homeschool. I had a wonderful time at a party the other week
with a teacher, we were discussing how to inspire and teach children.

I am happy at home. I would probably be miserable coming home from
work tired (like I used to, before kids) and then being with my kids.
I am still tired at the end of the day, but I'm able to full time
breastfeed my son, and Kathy was overjoyed that I took her back to the
YMCA swim class this morning. If you find you want/need to work to
maintain your sanity, then do so! If you want to be a stay at home
parent who keeps up with politics, you can do so! If you decided to
stay at home and then decided that you didn't care as much about
politics as you used to, so what? I know you stated that you felt that
being balanced and emotionally ok is important -- and what that should
look like is not written in stone.


-- 
Tigger (Grace Sylvan)                Mom of Katherine Yelena, 2.6 &
tigger@satyr.sylvan.com              Robin Gregory <born 2/28/92>)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It seems to me that our large goal is to find the ways to help our
children become humane and strong."

             - Dr Haim Ginott quoted by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish