From: aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat)
Subject: Re: ***SPOILER**** too much, not enough
Organization: Software Engineering Institute
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 21:41:52 GMT

In article <Bu7ztF.2LD@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine) writes:
> ***************spoiler posting, so you know... no  function
> here*****
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> Well.
> I am so depressed.  My ex so, who I couldn't let go of, ( one of my
> issues) used sex to try and get rid of me. To see how far I would go
> to please him and make myself feel dirty. I went farther than I should
> have. I hgave him a blow job, which I told him I hated.
> 
> He says when I get sane, he might be my friend.

	He's not a friend. He's a user and abuser. He should not have done
	what he did. But what he has done has no reflection on you. Yes,
	you know you were abused, but that doesn't mean you're immune from
	more. I knew I had been abused when I had sex (voluntarily) for the
	first time, but the only reason I HAD sex with my boyfriend was
	because he said he'd leave if I didn't. That's abuse. But I'm not
	dirt for being the victim.
 
> I know many of you have supportive So's from reading the posts... but
> I don't think I will ever get to that point. I keep going at this
> alone, and the point doesn't seem there. I would cry except that I
> don't cry. THo I have been closer to it lately than I have been for a
> long time.

	Don't give up!! You have us to talk to. 

> Is there a point in going on if my whole life is a serious of what I
> can do for others...? ALways, people take advantage of me and it makes
> me so mad. COdependancy sucks.
	
	Yes, there is a point. Do you remember yourself before it happened?
	I was this totally awesome little kid. I made it my life goal to
	save her, but I think she keeps saving me. It will come. Hang in
	there.
 
> I think about killing myself, but I am not that brave. I think there
> is some reason to go on. SIlly me.

	Suicide has nothing to do with courage. It's desperation. It's
	a loss of courage. You're too afraid to go on. But there IS a reason.
	You'll find it.

> He used my sensitive area, even after I had told him about the abuse
> and about the new things I am remembering...
> he used me for sex, because he said he did it basically because he was
> horny but also because it would make me leave.
> 
> I can't stand who i am becoming in this. Lost. Again. Will I ever be
> able to love freely and be loved back?
> I keep looking for someone to love me, truly love me... I have
> friends, and I am a friend. but sometimes it just doesn't seem enough.
> 
> I want someone to hold me in the dark of the night so the nightmares
> will go away
> -brandywine

	brandywine-
	I know too well how you feel. I used to believe God was testing my
	strength, building my character. Then I stopped believing in God,
	because it was better to be alone than believe in such an asshole
	of a God. I've spent years of sleepless nights wishing someone knew
	or understood. I feel like at last, I'm coming out of a dark dark
	night. I can't tell you how I made it. I can only tell you that I
	did make it, and so will you. 
	One really big hug to you.
	-Anne