From: leitm@solb1.essex.ac.uk (Leith M F)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Rebel Oracularities
Date: 5 Nov 92 17:14:48 GMT
Reply-To: leitm@essex.ac.uk (Leith M F)
Organization: University of Essex, Colchester, UK

G'day folks,
  Because of the oracularity shortage of late, I thought I'd post the
following three responses, which I thought were pretty good.

  Mig. 
 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Worshipful and Divine Oracle <"BUY PEPSI">, I have discovered (using a 
> decoder) that there are subliminal messages <"CIGARETTES PROLONG LIFE">
> all over the net! Can you see them flashing across my text <"EAT CHOCOLATE! 
> EAT CHOCOLATE!"> editor?  I started to get suspicious <"VOTE BUSH!"> last 
> week when I felt myself <"CLINTON MOLESTS CHILDREN!"> compelled to buy
> sanitary <"HARI KRISHNA, HARI! HARI!"> towels from a general store 
> (I am male).  How are they getting away <"G REC.HUMOR.ORACLE"> with
> it ?!
> 

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 
} You are obviously <ASK THE ORACLE> just being paranoid.
} No one but you <THE ORACLE IS THE WISEST CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE>
} can control<TRUST THE ORACLE> your thoughts and actions.<LOVE THE ORACLE>
} Take a break from <DESTROY YOUR DECODER> your work. <TELL NO ONE> You
} are under too <THERE ARE NO SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES> much stress. I am
} sure you'll soon forget <FORGET ABOUT THEM> such <FORGET THEM> nonsense.
} <FORGET THEM NOW>
} You owe the Oracle some buttered popcorn and a large Coke.
_______________________________________________________________________________


The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Majestic Oracle, O being with the toe nail clippings more precious than
> the pearls of the Ocean, I do not understand that untrustworthy infidel
> called Bush, dictator of the Great Satan called America.  Why is he
> selling the Arab Nation all of those tools of destruction one day and then
> bashing the living daylights out of us the next ?
> 
> May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.
> 
> Saddam.
>       

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Announcer: Heya kids!  Welcome to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!  It's the
}            live show, straight from the oval office where President
}            Bush gives soft answers to hard questions.
} 
} [Applause]
} 
} Announcer: Mr. Bush's neighborhood is brought to you by ... The
}            Companies ... reminding you that a good war now and then is
}            good for business!
} 
} [Applause]
} 
} Announcer: The secret word today is "economy".  Kiddies, do you know
}            what this means?
} 
} ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"]
} 
} Announcer: You know what to do?
} 
} ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"]
} 
} Announcer: Economy!
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Announcer: You know what to do.  And now here's our host, George Bush!
} 
} [Applause!]
} 
} Bush: Thanks, thanks.  
} 
} [Applause!]
} 
} Bush: I'm flattered.  Really.
} 
} [Applause ... continues ...]
} 
} Bush: Would you SIT DOWN and SHUT UP?  There, that's much better.
}       Today we're going to talk about the Persian Gulf War.  Kinda
}       desert theme.  Good for the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: This reminds me.  Heh heh.  This reminds me of a really ... far
}       out ... joke.  Listen to this.  This dates back to my Skull and
}       Bones days.  Funny, really.
} 
} [Chanting ... "Tell us the fucking joke, please!"]
} 
} Bush: Alright, alright.  You twisted my arm!  See?  Twist twist.
} 
} [Laughter]
} 
} Bush: How many A-Rabs would you kill to save our economy?
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} ["How many, George?  How many?"]
} 
} Bush: All of them!
} 
} [Laughter]
} 
} Bush: Ha ha.  I liked it too.  Funny.  Sorta a racial joke.  Pisses
}       off those God Damn PC'ers.
} 
} ["Boo!"]
} 
} Bush: You know them?  Those politically correct ...
} 
} ["Booo!"]
} 
} Bush: Not prudent!  Can't say those racial jokes.  Offends the
}       minorities.  Bad for the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: But seriously now.  Seriously.  Serious.  Many concerned voters
}       have been callin' the white house.  Yeah.  And you know what
}       they've been saying?
} 
} ["Tell us, George!"]
} 
} Bush: Well I'll tell you.  Some of them pinko commie liberal democrat
}       atheist trash yellow press have been talkin'!
} 
} ["Boo!"]
} 
} Bush: And you know it.  You know what they've been saying.  They say I
}       sold arms to Iraq!
} 
} ["Boo!!!"]
} 
} Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that.
} 
} [The booing instantly and mysteriously stops.]
} 
} Bush: And these same commie atheists say I helped Saddam build his
}       nuclear arsenal.
} 
} ["Liars! Liars!!!"]
} 
} Bush: Well, yes.  I did do that.
} 
} [The screams of 'liars' instantly and mysteriously stops.]
} 
} Bush: But I wasn't "coddling" him!
} 
} ["No! Yes!"]
} 
} Bush: That would be bad for the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: And arms sales are good for the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: Good for the economy!
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: But Saddam pulled a dirty trick.  Yes he did.
} 
} ["Boo! Hiss!"]
} 
} Bush: Had to invade Kuwait.  He was a bad boy.
} 
} ["Boo!"]
} 
} Bush: Price of oil went up!
} 
} ["Bad! Bad!"]
} 
} Bush: That's right.  Not prudent.  Not good for democracy.  Baaaad for
}       the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: Had to do the war thing.
} 
} [Cheers!]
} 
} Bush: So tonight kiddies, I'm going to teach you a new word!  Are you
}       ready, kids?
} 
} ["Yes! Yes!"]
} 
} Bush: Alright.  It's "Expediency"!
} 
} ["Expediency!"]
} 
} Bush: That's right.  It's Expedient to kill A-Rabs!
} 
} [Cheers]
} 
} Bush: Good for the economy.
} 
} [Screams!]
} 
} Bush: Economy, economy, economy!
} 
} [Screams! Screams! Screams!]
} 
} Announcer: And that's it for this week's installment of Mr. Bush's
}            Neighborhood!  We hope to see you again after the voting
}            Tuesday ...  but don't count on it.  Bye!
} 
_______________________________________________________________________________

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, imperious and true, powerful yet never corrupt! 
> I who bow to the floor in sycophantic manner and sing your praises thrice
> daily, beg for a solution to the following problem. I need an idea for a 
> final year Comp. Sci Artificial Intelligence project which
> (a) impresses the hell out of the examiners,
> (b) is commercially viable and will make loads-a-money,
> (c) is enjoyable to work on.
>       

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see that you are in some kind of trouble here.
} 
} What about writing a HAL9000 emulation? - Your examiners will looove its voice
} 					- MGM and IBM will kill for it
} 					-  Ok the usual "I am afraid I can't
} 					   let you do this, Dave" is a bit
} 					   nagging ...
}
} Or the perfect tea-making-machine-operation system? - You are in trouble if
} 						    the examiners prefer 
} 						    coffee
} 						    - but you will take the
} 						    British market by storm
} 						    - no fun in beta testing
} 					      
} Or rewrite UNIX in an oop manner and port the ultra-micro-tiny-subspace-kernel
} to your digital watch?         - Your examiners will praise YOUR name
} 			       - AT&T will be a problem, watch out for
} 				 certain ads in "soldiers of fortune"
}                                  But japans' clock industrie will dump you
} 				 in gold.
}                                - enjoyable: sure it is. But be warned!  
} 				 Did you hear of the programmer who 
} 				 developed the 12 dimensional news
} 				 routing system for the connection
} 				 machine ? He went nuts ...
} 		      
} Write a George Bush emulation - oh no sorry that would be too simple and there
} 				is one out (planned as a students joke it
} 				escaped out of the lab ...)
} 
} 
} 
} You owe the Oracle more RAM
_______________________________________________________________________________
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d