Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Subject: Surgeon General's Warning on Diet Colas
Keywords: chuckle 

 
                    SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON PRODUCTS
                                # 127748
                       Comestible Ingredient: "Uh-Huh"


"Uh-Huh": A psychochemical drug usually found in powder or syrup form. It
          is dark-brown to black in color. Main extract from the spiny
          North American Mid-Western plant called "unk-ha" by the local
          Indians. Latin name: ofelius likapepsis.

Approved by the FDA January 13th, 1983 to be used in the distribution of
carbonated drinks. Original purpose for filler, later used to enhace the
flavor of drinks over-thinned by costwise production.

On March 14th, 1992, Punkadyne Labratories, in accordance with FDA studies,
released its report on the long-term effects of the ingredients. The basic
results of the tests are presented here for public distribution. The results
of this test were used to provide leverage to ban the organic compound from
public consumption. The findings were conclusive, and the process is in
litagation.
 
Punkadyne Labratories tested pre-measrued doses on 500 Lawyers from the
Washington DC area. Lab rats were initially considered, but there are some
things a lab rat just simply won't do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dose: 5-10mg/day (Equivalent to 1 Diet Pepsi Cola)

Effect                                             Test         Control
Occasional sleeplessness                            39%              2%
Mild stimulant                                      46%              9%


Dose: 10-50mg/day (Equivalent to Diet Pepsi 6-pack or 3 A&W Creme Sodas)

Effect                                             Test          Control
Restlessness                                        45%               5%
Irritability                                        69%               9%
Mild mood swings                                    55%              13%
Watching "Late Night with David Letterman"          23%               0%


Dose: 50-100mg/day (Equivalent to whole box of "No-Doz")

Effect                                             Test          Control
Severe mood shifts                                  56%               9%
Liking "Late Night with David Letterman"            34%               0%
Occaisonal babbling about past girlfriends          89%              23%
Numbness in extremities                             35%               2%
Scored low on incompetency exams                    84%              84%


Dose: 100-200mg/day (Equivalent to Post-Trauma Adrenaline rush)

Effect                                             Test          Control
Schizophrenia                                       56%               4%
Being a guest on "Late Night with David Letterman"  44%               0%
Calling up past girlfriends and telling them off    98%              11%
Melanin count doubles                               44%               0%
Couldn't spell name on incompetency exam            75%              12% 


Dose: 200-300mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with coffee)

Effect                                             Test          Control
Violent multiple personalities suing each other     78%               9%
Guest Hosting on "Late Night with David Letterman"  61%               0%
Stalking past girlfriends for the kill              98%              22%
Desire to play piano with eyes closed               52%               0%
Couldn't find incompetency exam                     89%               8%


Dose: 300-400mg/day (Equivalent to snorting dandelions)

Effect                                             Test          Control
Each body part becomes separate entity              77%               2%
Replaces "Late Night with David Letterman"          94%               0%
Dresses dead body of girlfriend in sequin dress     87%              11%
Becomes blind and a terriffic piano player          49%               0%
Drooled on incompetency exam                        77%              56%
Spontaneous decapitation                            45%               5%


Dose: 400-500mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with cocaine)

Effect                                             Test           Control
Death via self-mutilation                           99%                1%
Is David Letterman                                   0%                1%
Beaten up by ERA member                             12%               95%
Ate incompetency exam                               62%               12%


Dose: Over 500mg/day (No earthy equivalent)

Effect                                             Test            Control
Death                                              100%                 2%


All test subjects were given straight 100% uh-huh mixed in with a martini.
Control groups were given a martini with an uh-huh look-alike, X7. All
subjects were kept in a natural enviroment, complete with ceiling mirrors
and volumes of legal paperwork to keep them company. The use of inflatable
women was restricted to keep the heart rate low, and was substituted with
Girl Scout magazines.

Results are being scrutinized, as some find the lawyer's response to be
confused with normal lawyer off-hour behavior.


                     +---------------------------+
                     |    This .sig has been     |
                     |    temporarily removed    |
                     |        for study.         |
                     +---------------------------+
(c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu


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