From: hyler@ast.saic.com (Buffy Hyler)
Subject: Re: large 2YO, large problems
Reply-To: hyler@ast.saic.com
Organization: SAIC
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 22:33:53 GMT

I had a similar problem with a large toddler.  I know it is hard, but
you know that he is just being a normal two year old and when folks
make comments about his inability to be mature you just have to remind
him of his age and how normal that is at that age.

On daycare.  My first thought after reading that your provider was
telling you about your sons misbehaviors was deja vu.  I used to get
phone calls and notes at least twice a week in my sons first pre-school
(when he was 3).  I had more conferences with his "teachers" than I
care to remember, especially since they were so futile.  Now looking
back on it, I realize that my son's misbehavior *at school* (or *at
daycare* in your case) was their problem, not mine.  They were there at
the time of the misbehavior, not I, and that is the time that
discipline needs to be applied, not by Mom later. BTW, my son's
behavior at home was reasonable.  He was pretty normal as far as I was
concerned.  But in the school environment with other kids he had
different behaviors.

Anyway, I finally bit the bullet and changed pre-schools.  David has
been at his new preschool since he was 4.5 and is now attending
kindergarten there.  The only comments I ever got from his teachers
were highly complimentary about his temperment and behavior.  When I
was interviewing them and questioned about "social skills" and
contacting parents about bad behavior I was told that the only time a
parent is brought in is where they feel the behavior is also happening
in the home environment (she mentioned bad language as an example).
Then they try to work out a reward scheme to help the child learn the
desired behavior.  But mostly they emphasized a lot of social skill
support in this school.  And if it is a school problem (interacting
with kids, sitting in circle, etc), then it is their problem and they
deal with it.  My son learned *so* much about getting along with others
and self confidence that my husband and I decided to pay for one more
year (kindergarten) to keep that going.  I wish so very much that we
had been able to start him in this school at the beginning.

I won't say you should take your son out of his daycare immediately,
but if you can find a pre-school/day care that emphasizes social skills
and self confidence it might make a significant difference for both of
you. BTW, my own personal opinion is that if the pre-school emphasizes
any academics it might not be the place you want.  It seems that the
academic pre-schools simply do not have time to help with social skills
as much. They expect a certain amount of instinctive good social
behavior in kids.  Some kids have them, others like my son do not.  By
the way, I payed less for the pre-school than I was paying for
daycare.  And our pre-school takes them in at 2 years of age.  Maybe
you can find something similar in your area.  You might even post to
the net (locally) and see if there are any recommendations.

And if you think you have a lovable, adorable, kind little boy...then
you do!  He's just in an environment that isn't helping him learn how
to interact with others in a positive way.

(Sorry I went on so long, but this is a hot button with me and I hate
like anything to see the seeds of it starting with another child)

Good luck!!!!!
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Buffy Hyler (hyler@ast.saic.com)
SAIC, Campus Point
San Diego, California
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Newsgroups: misc.kids