From: anonymus+1633@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: A long dark road...
Date: 14 Oct 92 02:48:29 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service



	I don't know why I'm bothering to post.  I'm not out to have
anyone back me up in what I say or do.  I'm not looking for somewhere
warm and fuzzy -- that's what my teddy bears and heated waterbed are for.

	I know rationally that I would probably benifit from some
form of counciling/therapy -- not group therapy though -- but I can't
get myself to go through with it.  I seemed to have beaten back the
memories and nightmares for a while -- but not through conscious effort --
and I don't know that I ever want to have that part of my memory back.

	I always saw getting therapy (from a mental health professional) as
having to pay someone to be a shoulder to cry on or to be a friend.  It
feels like I'm so backward that I have to seek out a stranger for an
ear to bend.  The feelings have nothing to do with what I know through
reason.  I'm also terrified of being institutionalized against my will and
never getting out (not exactly a fear based in reality).  How in the
hell am I supposed to overcome a phobia of therapists??!!??

	I wonder sometimes if I should just shut up entirely about my
childhood and chalk it up to "experience".  What's the use of talking about
it if the past isn't going to change -- esp. when I'm afraid I'll be
put away for saying what I feel (Phobia again)?  It feels like I'm
making mountains out of molehills... it's not like I lost a limb or had a 
crippling disease -- I thought it was how things were for everyone at the
time it happened.

	How am I supposed to tell a stranger about it when I can't
even physically speak about it to my SO -- if my throat constricts enough
to begin to choke me when I'm trying to say even the most general of things
to the person I trust most in the world, how can I talk about to 
someone I don't know??  I can't just sit there and say that I'm troubled
by the "bad memories" that are resurfacing for 50 min. a week.  (that's
all I can say to my SO at this point)  Anyway, compared to all the other
abuse it doesn't seem worth getting so upset over -- I didn't know
any better then, so why should I be so bothered now? 

	Why should I purposely set out to tell someone what happened when
no one ever beleived me about the other (more common) abuses then or now??
Everyone I've ever met -- in person -- has always written my anger off
as the usual young person's resentment of their family.  If they think
I'm just exaggerating the details/severity for the other daily abuses,
how can I explain to them that it was just the tip of the iceberg??? 

	Who do I tell and how much to tell?  How do I tell my profs that
I didn't finish my assigned reading because I spent the weekend warding off
memories of what was done to me?? like they'd ever believe me...  and if
they did, it might adversely affect my grades... (thinking I'm unstable)

	Please don't respond in length (or point for point) for my
sake. If it helps you, fine.  I know I have to work this out for myself...


	Night Owl

	(since so many refused to/couldn't see past the word play in
	my previous anon name "No One")

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