From: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Subject: Re: Thanks Karla
Reply-To: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 92 20:48:32 GMT


In a previous article, anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian) says:

>
>Thanks Karla for your response posting to my question about confiding 
>and talking about abuse experiences with others.  You wrote: 

any time...

>	<hmmmm...  seems to me that if he cares for you a lot, he would
>	<be interested in hearing all the gory details.  I mean not that
>	<it is pleasant, but...  Also, I mean if he is your lover, it
>	<would be important for him to know how to go about things.  Maybe
>	<if you gave him a copy of _Allies in Healing_ or let him scan
>	<through _Courage to HEAL_ (have you heard of these books?) it
>	<would lossen him up a little, and then you could talk with him
>	<about it.
>
>Yes, he is my lover and I have opened up communication a little with 
>him, i.e. he says he is alright if I need to talk about anything (he 
>says he will be comfortable with anything I feel I need to tell him).  
>In fact I have taken him at his word and risked talking about some 
>things and have even allowed myself to cry in front of him about a 
>couple of issues.  These times have been O.K.   Maybe it is just part 
>of the stage I am at -- not wanting to burden him with knowledge or 
>problems which in fact I am handling alright by myself.  I am aware, 
>too, that there is probably a lurking element of "having to be 
>perfect" in order to "deserve love" which makes me reticent.

You have done better than I have.  I haven't cried in front
of anyone for a very long time...  I think it has a lot
to do with being afraid of concentrating on myself too much.
I am afraid I won't listen enough.  I am afraid I will go on and
on and won't stop.  This notion, is actually quite ludicrous:
the thought of ME talking too much.  In fact I talk way
too little...  ANYONE that knows me could tell you that...

But for me, it has a lot to do with the fact that I always
had to take care of my mom.  I never got to be taken care of.
Therefore, I have a very hard time letting anyone else take care
of me...   even in the slightest sense:  by just listening to
me, or let me cry on their shoulder.

>
>I have found his lack of curiosity a little strange (see also my 
>experience below) but have pursued the question
>and satisfied myself that it is not lack of caring.  

It is quite possible that he just scared, or doesn't know what
to do.  He may be waiting for you to give him a clue.
I have had my closest friend do that.  He doesn't know what
to do, so he doesn't do anything until I give him a little
hint...

>
>Could it be that I am somehow trying to protect HIM from my abuse?

Could be....  Or it could be that you don't feel you deserve
to be listend to.  But you do!  It isn't your fault it happend...
It isn't your fault you need to talk about it.  It is just the
way it is.  You deserve to be listened to.  And anyone that
cares for you will understand that...  But if you are trying
to protect him, IMHO, in the end it won't be a good thing...
Eventually you will need him to be a part of all that.  Without
that how can he get really close to you, and how can he know
you really well, if you don't let him in on a part of your
life that has impacted you so much?...

>
>I actually read _ALLIES IN HEALING_ myself recently to get a 
>perspective on how someone else (a lover, a partner) might be viewing 
>me, a survivor.  I found it very helpful:  gentle but to the point.

yeah, it is a good book...
It takes a very special person to be a partner to a survivor.
But they are out there...  And we all deserve to find one (at
least).

>
>Perhaps the reason I feel my lover may have some problems with 
>detailed discussion is that two years ago I got a copy of the Mike Lew 
>book and have had it on my bedside table the whole time.  Although MSO 
>is normally VERY curious about what I am reading, etc., he has NEVER 
>mentioned this book to me.  I should probably not sound too censorious 
>about this, however, as I must admit, although I was inexorably drawn 
>to this book, I felt like a fraud buying it and when I first read it I 
>made absolutely NO CONNECTION with myself and I only skimmed and 
>virtually dismissed it although I kept it nearby.  
>It was only two weeks ago when I picked it 
>up again that I understood what it really meant and could see myself 
>reflected on many of the pages -- this is a month or so after first coming 
>to realize that I had been abused.  How efficient our defences of 
>denial!!! 

yeah, I know... amazing, aren't they (denial)?

>
>Many thanks for the encouragement, Karla.

you are very welcome.

*hugs*  if you want them...

>
>"Kristian"
>
>
>
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-- 
|alwan573@pirates.armstrong.edu   <=== USE THIS ONE!          
|Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
|ng548@dsom_op.pnl.gov                       |
|bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |
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