From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: A Few More Days
Date: 21 Dec 92 23:18:49 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

cujo writes:
<stuff deleted> 
>I THINK WHAT IS REALLY EATING AT  ME IS:
> 
>WHY DO I HAVE THIS INABILITY  TO SAY  NO!!??
> 
>This question really eats up at me inside.
<stuff deleted> 

I have been asking myself the same question. 
My understanding of this comes in 3 parts: the piece owned
by my parents who didn't teach me successful coping skills,
the piece owned by my abusers, and the piece owned by me.

I have realized that I was trained to be submissive 
and simply do not have some of the
defenses that most other people do. I have some other defenses,
but they do not work well. I am not responsible for this part.
It is what I was taught. 

The abuse itself I am not responsible for; the abuser owns that
part. They choose to be abusive.

As an adult, I am responsible for my actions and for certain parts
of my life (I am having trouble drawing the line here). I am
certainly responsible for seeking truth, healing, and
better ways to cope with life. 
I am responsible for taking care of myself to the best of my
ability. (I am not sure how
to own up to responsibility without picking on myself when I
do it badly. Like cutting myself when I know better or the other
un-loving things I do to myself.) 

Am I saying that I am responsibie for loving myself? Maybe...

I realized recently that I depend on my inability to say no (mostly
when frightened) as a way of evading responsibility for myself 
and my decisions. If I am afraid of something, then I can 
evade responsibility for what happens because "I couldn't say no".
(I hope that my saying this does not bother you. This is a tiny 
piece, not the big, everything is my fault, self-blaming thing... It
is a small part of how I cope.)

So ... the inability to say no is both a negative and a *wierd*
sort of positive in my life.

Someone suggested to me that the key to resolving this stuff is to
avoid "blame". Blame is double edged; if I use it against others
then I must also use it against myself. The alternative is acceptance. 
This suggestions feels right to me, but I haven't figured out why.
Maybe because blame includes a value judgement.

I am practicing saying no when I am frightened (I am in a new relationahip
and am frightened a lot!) and leading things in the direction I would
like them to go so that I do not have to say no. If I do not want to
be touched by my friends, I tell them so. One day I may want lots of
hugs, then next day I may not want to be touched. There was a day on which
I felt I could only give hugs, which confused someone because you
can't give a hug without receiving a hug (at least not in person, though
you can electronically :-) ).

-Seeker



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