From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Subject: Re: HELP (was Disciple on 2 teens)
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California
Date: Mon, 06 Apr 1992 23:46:09 GMT

In article <1992Apr3.145106.10667@Armstrong.EDU> prall968@Armstrong.EDU writes:
>
>
> This is no longer a plea for advice and help. It seems that no matter what we try, Bobby and Amber are determined to have their way and will stop at 
>nothing to get it. How can 2 teens become so bitter and rebelious. Its not
>as if their mother were some dictator. She is very flexible. Understanding
>and caring. Maybe her job keeps her from seeing her kids often enough but she does care. 
>
>Are there any professional (and non-professional) ideas on WHY they are this
>way.                                                                 
>

Well, how about semi-professional.  When I was a young adult I was a camp
counselor at an outpost unit of a Girl Scout Camp.  THe outpost unit was a
special boating unit and was away from the entire rest of the camp.  I was
in charge, I had two junior counselors, and 24 junior high aged girls.  The
sessions were each 2 weeks and this was the general pattern for every singe
one of them.

THey arrive and we tell them the rules.  They are responsible for EVERYTHING,
including cooking their own meals, collecting firewood, cleaning the campsite,
etc.  Other than that, we're loose.  We generally spent the whole day boating
on the lake with a nap after lunch during the daily thundershower.  

About 4 days into each session, the girls went nuts with the freedom and
responsibility and didn't do their chores and left the campsite a total mess.
Then we showed them what camp COULD be like.  And for one day we rode them for
all we were worth.  They had to toe a very strict line.  Then the next morning
we had a meeting.  "Which do you want it to be?  Are you going to be responsible
and behave or are we going to ride you like a bunch of 6 year olds."  Well,
every single session proved that they would rather be responsiblea nd the
rest of the session was splendid.  

My guess is that Mom has not let the kids know what life COULD be like and maybe
they need a little of taste of it.  They need to sit down during a period of
relative quiet and Mom can explain, "Hey, I'm cool and mellow, but you guys are
pushing too hard.  So I feel I have no choice but to cut back on priveleges.
For the next week these are the rules."  And the rules should be very strict,
very rigid, and completely enforced.  Then, after a week, let the kids decide
if that's how they want to live.  Note that this will be a LOT of work for
Mom.  But she can pay her dues now or later.  I'd vote now.  

Things Mom can do.  Take all TV's out of the house.  Remove all allowances.
Refuse to chauffer.  Remove books, toys, clothing from children's rooms.  Mom
has the ability to make life absolutely miserable.  The kids need to remember
this.  

So, lets say Mom has the talk with her kids and spells out the list of behaviors
no longer acceptable under any circumstances.  Then she says, "Now you obviously
aren't willing to follow these minimal rules so here are the rules for the rest
of the week."  They include getting up early, making beds, cleaning rooms,
going jogging, fixing breakfast, all kinds of things kids take for granted or
don't do.  For each infraction punishment is swift and final.  A messy room
is emptied.  A sassy mouth ends allowance.  

You get the drift.  My guess is that the kids REALLY REALLY want Mom to come
down on them.  Teen-age years are years where nothing is in control.  Hormones
are running rampant through the body.  The child's body is out of control.  The
child's emotions are out of control.  The child is in desperate need for Mom
to be in control.  Mom needs to show that no only is she in control, she is
willing to enforce as much control as necessary to have peace in the home.

I would have loved nothing better than to have my Mom draw some strict lines
with me at that age.  But she kept being the "nice guy" and just moved the 
lines further and further away.  The results were not pretty.  Children NEED
limits.  They need to know when they have stepped over the line.


-- 
I finally decided what I want on my tombstone...

	"Here lies Judy Leedom Tyrer.  The world will never see another like 
	 her.  We are undecided on whether this is a good thing or a bad thing."	
Xref: sparky misc.kids:12851 alt.kids-talk:605 alt.parents-teens:637 misc.education:1881