From: cbnorman@cayley.uwaterloo.ca (Bruce Norman)
Subject: Montyhaul Magic Items :)
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.dnd
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 17:39:26 GMT

    What with the recent frenzy of posts on Monty Haul characters in 
    rec.games.frp.dnd, I thought I'd repost this article I wrote
    for Chainmail about four years ago.  Enjoy....

    Note, if you have no sense of humor, please stop here?

    -------------------------- 8-< Cut here 8-< -----------------------------

                             MONTYHAUL MAGIC ITEMS
                         Copyright, 1992, Bruce Norman

        Are your players tired of artifacts and other wimpy magic items?  
    Would they like ultra-powerful magic items that don't carry any side 
    effects?  If so, read on!  In this article I shall list various 
    powerful magic items that can only be used by Montyhaul characters.  
    If your characters roll their ability scores with percentile dice, 
    started off at 30th level, or have killed off twenty + gods & demon 
    lords they qualify as Montyhaul characters.  The following magic items 
    will only reveal their true powers if used by a Montyhaul character, 
    otherwise they will only have their secondary magic powers.  To obtain 
    these items just buy them.  Or even better, just use a wish spell to 
    get them all, and Thor's hammer while your at it. 
        Montyhaul magic items may be constructed by any 100th level  
    magic-user with an intelligence of 26.  To construct them the     
    magic-user need only write them down on his character's equipment list 
    (when the DM isn't looking). 

        Sword of Annihilation:  This jewel encrusted sword is normally a 
    mere +2 nine lives stealer; however, in the hands of a Montyhaul 
    character it gains the following benefits.
        1: +7 to hit and +14 to damage.
        2: When held in front of the character it grants 95% magic 
    resistance and has a 50% chance of reflecting any spell cast at the 
    wielder back at the caster.
        3: It induces fear in all who are within a 100 foot radius of it, 
    unless they save versus spells at -4 (those normally immune to fear 
    spells must also save, but only at -3).
        4: All creatures hit by the sword must save versus disintegration 
    or dissolve into a bubbling charred mass.  Those who save are stunned 
    for 1-4 rounds.
        5: Once per day the sword can fire a bolt of pure energy that will 
    annihilate everything in a one mile radius (except for things the 
    wielder does not want to be effected).

      XP Value: 1,600 or 9,999,998 
      GP Value: 8,000 or Priceless

         Potion of Godliness: This potion seems to be a mere potion of 
    Super-Heroism but if imbibed by a Montyhaul character it will grant 
    the drinker the status of any one god (chosen by the drinker).  This 
    means that the user's own ability scores will become identical to those 
    of the God he chooses.  The imbiber will also receive exact duplicates 
    of all weapons, armor, and magic the God has.  The God who the 
    character has duplicated will become angry and attack the character.  
    If the character defeats the God he will become that God permanently.  
    If he looses he will die and return to normal statistics. 

      XP Value: 450 or 9,999,997 
      GP Value: 750 or Quite a bit

         Scroll of Spell-Stealing: This scroll normally is a mere random 
    scroll but in the hands of a Montyhaul character its true powers will 
    be found.  When the wielder points the scroll at a spell caster 
    (cleric or magic-user) they must save versus spells at -4 or forget all 
    the spells they known.  These spells will then be printed on the scroll 
    for future casting.  Each use uses one charge.  The scroll comes with 
    20,000 charges and can be recharged by a wish spell. 

      XP Value: Variable or 999,999 
      GP Value: Variable or 1,000,000,000 

         Staff of Annihilation: Normally this is a mere +3 staff but in the 
    hands of a Montyhaul wizard it has all the abilities of a sword of 
    annihilation.

      XP Value: 1,750 or 9,999,999 
      GP Value: 15,000 or almost as much as issue 1 of Chainmail will be 
    worth in a few years.

         Swiss Army Dagger: Normally this is a dagger +1 but in the hands 
    of a Montyhaul character it has much greater powers.
        1: The dagger is +5 to hit and damage.
        2: By simply commanding it to be so the owner can pull any item he 
    wishes from his swiss army dagger.  Average items pulled are scissors, 
    toothpicks, bottle openers, a +5 holy venger, several catapults, 
    4,000,000gp, an Ancient Red Dragon, or a a fleet of Warships.

        XP Value 75 or Whatever the user pulls from the dagger
        GP Value 500 or Why sell it? If you need money just pull it out! 

        Armor of Absorbing: In a normal person's hands this seems to be 
    mere leather armor +1 but when worn by a Montyhaul character it has 
    the following abilities.
        1: The wearer's armor class becomes 10, regardless of dexterity or 
    magic bonuses.
        2: If the wearer takes damage it is absorbed by the armor (up to 
    500hp).  If more than 500hp of damage is taken by the wearer their AC 
    will become -24.7 and they will take damage normally.
        3: The wearer can fire energy bolts from the armor.  Each energy 
    bolt automatically hits and does 1d8hp of damage (no save) to the 
    opponent struck.  Each energy bolt fired reduces the damage absorbed by 
    the armor by 1.  Up to 500 energy bolts may be fired per round, but 
    only if the armor has absorbed enough damage to fuel the bolts.

      XP Value: 300 or 996,335,359 divided by pi
      GP Value: 2,000 or 3 GP more then Priceless 

        Castle Block: In a normal person's hands this seems to be a small 
    diamond block but in the hands of a Montyhaul character it will have 
    these special powers.  
        1: It will grow into any formation the character chooses; from a 
    castle to a keep.  It will always fully furnish its self, have a guards 
    and wards spell on it, and have 100% magic resistance.  The 
    construction will be made of diamond and be totally invulnerable (as 
    an artifact).
        2: It can be shaped into a tool or anything else.  Weapons and 
    armor made from the block are +8.  Armor grants 100% magic resistance 
    to the wearer.. 

      XP Value: 0 or 9,912,962.5743 
      GP Value: 5,000 or Don't bother asking

        Gods Helm: In a normal person's hands this appears to be a mere 
    helm of Telepathy.  In the hands of a Montyhaul cleric however it 
    grants the following power.  While being worn the cleric may command 
    his god to perform any action he wishes.  This included attacking 
    monsters, granting the cleric as many spells as he wishes, balancing 
    apples on whatever else pops into his sick little mind.  If the cleric 
    ever removes the helm the god will forget anything he did while under 
    the helm's influence. 

      XP Value: 3,000 or lots 
      GP Value: 30,000 or enough to pay off the U.S. national debt. 

        Spell Book of Baron Bob: In the hands of a normal wizard this will 
    appear to be a Libram of gainful conjuring.  To a Montyhaul wizard  
    this will be shown to truly be the spell book of the famous mage Baron 
    Bob.  This spellbook has every spell known in it, and a few that 
    haven't been written yet.  Also since the spells were recorded in 
    permanent marker, they can be cast directly from the book without 
    damaging it or erasing the spell. 

        XP Value: 8,000 or 9,876,543 
        GP Value: 40,000 or more then you would think. 

        Voice of Whining: This magic item is usually used by Chaotic 
    Crybabies, Neutral Woundwailers, and Neutral Montyhauls (see issue 124 
    of Dragon Magazine).  This magic item is not usually needed when 
    playing with DMs of the Neutral Montyhaul alignment but is quite often 
    used on other DMs.  This is one magic item that does not belong to any 
    PCs or NPCs.  It is owned only by the people who play characters of the 
    above alignments.  The magic item is invoked by saying such key phrases 
    as "What do you mean I was hit by Thor?  I said I using my scroll of 
    Protection from Gods?" or "What do you mean I missed just because I 
    rolled a 1?  My DM doesn't make me miss on a 1! or "What do you mean 
    the orc hit me for three hp of damage?  I have a -43 AC!  Now I only 
    have 767 hp left!!!".  The DM must then make a saving throw versus
    nausea or let the player have his own way.  If the DM saves then the 
    player may do such things as rip modules in half, throw dice (see 
    Neutral Dietosser), kick books, and of course use his Voice of Whining 
    to make loud exclamations of unfairness.  The other players may be 
    forced to attempt to subdue the player with any nearby blunt objects. 

      XP Value: what ever the player can squeeze out of the DM 
      GP Value: as above. 
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