From: jhuang@hamilton.edu (Jim Huang)
Subject: You know you're a redneck if...
Organization: Hamilton College - Clinton, NY
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 19:18:35 GMT

                      YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF....

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
wheels off.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.

There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State trooper to "kiss my A**".

The primary color of your car is "Bondo".

Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".

You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your wifes hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.

You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit
was snubbed for best motion picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at
Graceland.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you
looking at s***head.

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening
on the lube rack.

You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture
taken.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

Your front porch collapses and kill more than three dogs.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you
beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the
door making sparks.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk
jug in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of
the message "For a good time, call _______."

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to
"Free Bird."

You call your boss "Dude."

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at
the "House of Tattoos."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup
trucks than cars.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
-- 
===============================================================================
Jim Huang                              Assistant Director, ITS Support Services
jhuang@hamilton.edu                                            Hamilton College
(315) 859-4167                                          Clinton, New York 13323
Newsgroups: rec.humor