From: anon-1217@twwells.com (Adam)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Adult Male Recovery
Date: 30 Sep 92 15:03:16 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Subject: Re: Adult Male Recovery

faype@bcvms.bc.edu (pete) writes:

>In article <1686B1B55.PKJAMES@UKCC.UKY.EDU>, PKJAMES@UKCC.UKY.EDU writes:
>> as a child.  It's really hard for me to realize how people can say they
>> forgot about it.  I repressed it for years, but I never forgot about it.
>
>Usually people use repression to mean it is not conscious, but totally 
>buried.  I don't know what you mean then that is was repressed, but not 
>forgotten.
>
>> to have no goal of getting you better.  How can you forget being afraid
>> to take part in gym class because you didn't want anyone to see the
>> marks on you?  When you're abuser threatens you'll go to reform shcool
>> where they'll be REALLY mean to you if you tell, how can anyone forget
>> that?
>
>I did.  You wouldn't believe the things I repressed.  There's not much 
>controversy about whether traumatic memories are repressed - it's commonly 
>accepted by psychology, psychiatry, etc.
>

I have repressed, and am still repressing big things.  As I have explored this,
I have been amazed at the things that I don't remember, because of feeling
uncomfortable or scared.  It has happened less as an adult, but there are
still instances.  I work to stay with myself now, and to recognize when I
am 'leaving', to bring myself back and look at the feelings going on.

>> this avalanche of people remembering-it makes me feel
>> slighted because it seems to discount my abuse.
>
>In your mind it may, but to me it validates me in that it happened to so 
>many.
>

One of my character defects is that I want to feel 'terminally unique'.  So,
I have to work to not let other peoples experiences and discoveries invalidate
my own.

>> different or what.  Now people are coming out of the woodwork claiming
>> MPD and child abuse in just bizzare ways.  While I believe these are
>> possible reactions I believe they are very rare.
>
>Since you are "well versed in psychotherapy", you probably know that MPD is 
>a condition in a spectrum of dissociative disorders, and there are many 
>different shades of MPD and dissociation.  Also those who are leading
>researchers in the field of MPD (Ross, Putnam, Vander Kolk) claim it is NOT 
>rare.
>

I still have trouble seeing myself as MPD.  I usually stick to 'very adept at
disassociating' :).

>> Almost every friend I
>> have that's seeing someone now is claiming sexual abuse that they just
>> now remembered.  It's becoming the "in" thing to do it seems.  People
>
>If a woman claims she was raped, do you automatically assume she is making 
>it up because it's the "in" thing to do?  I automatically believe her, 
>because the chances of her making it up are about 5 in 100.  Ditto child 
>sexual abuse.
>
>> I don't intend to stay
>> in recovery the rest of my life either.  It took a good portion of my
>> childhood, why should I spend my adult life reliving it.  I'll never
>
>It took a good portion of my childhood too.  Most of my adult life was 
>spent trying to keep it repressed and unremembered - and therefore I suffered 
>continual depression, somatic illnesses, inability to trust anyone, etc.  I  
>will spend whatever time I need to recover - a year, a decade or the rest of 
>my life.  Life isn't much worth living if I don't deal with it.
>
>-pete
>(faype@bcvms.bc.edu)

My current work feels like it is closing in on some *BIG* things.
My sleep has been restless (I almost always sleep well), and big
feelings just keep cropping up.  My therapist and I are following
them back, and I am beginning to see/feel some of the damage that
was happening to me in my family.

I also am feeling how one method I used to escape the bad feelings
seems to have been through my sexual abuse.  I think it made me feel
special, at least someone was noticing me.  Of course, they were also
using/abusing me, and that is the part that seems to have capped the
memories off.

As we close in, I'm feeling really scared.  I want to run away.  I
want to pretend nothing ever happened.  Damn, I hate it when I need
to cry at work and can't find a place to do it...

Anyway, if anyone has any spare good thoughts, I would appreciate them.
I plan to forge ahead, because I want to GET BETTER !  But, I'm real
scared.

Thanks for listening,

Adam






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