From: elf@halcyon.com (Omaha Sternberg)
Subject: Re: the "oh" experience
Originator: elf@halcyon.com
Reply-To: elf@halcyon.com (Elf Sternberg)
Organization: Pendor, UnLtd.
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 09:44:49 GMT

In article <1992Aug19.091952.28939@specialix.co.uk>
     kamal@specialix.co.uk (Kamal Mortoza) writes:

>Well - my wife and I are both bi-sexual. But we found that the sharing 
>experience was more important than plain fooling around seperately - which
>all too often can cause jealosy, no matter how hard one tries to control it.

   I have a problem with your believing that "plain fooling around"
will cause jealousy too often, no matter what. My husband and I have
been together for seven years now, and I am an expert on jealousy. When
I first met my husband, I was extremely jealous of everything he did,
said, and everyone he met and went out with. We had lots of arguments
over this through the years, before our marriage, and lots of temporary
breakups. The last time we argued over this, we broke up with me
feeling like Elf not only didn't want to be my lover, but didn't want
to be my friend as well. I was crushed. I wandered around town at
night praying to whatever deity existed that if only Elf would be my
friend I would never be jealous again. Later on that night I finally
got the courage to talk with Elf again, and he said that he did still
want to be my friend. I was thrilled! My prayers had been answered.
Over the course of the next few weeks I slept on the couch bed in the
living room, looking during the day for a new place to move into(Elf
and I lived together at that time). I usually slept late, and Elf would
get home from early morning classes, see me still sleeping on the
couch, and get into bed and start snuggling with me. This ended up with
me turning around and reminding him that we were broken up, to which
Elf always concluded with `Oh, yeah, I forgot.'. Finally Elf came up to
me and told me that since I was moving out, I might as well sleep with
him in his bed until I found a place. Then it was `Well, go ahead and
stay until the lease runs out in three months'. Finally, he just gave
up and said he loved me and wanted to be my lover again. The important
thing about all of the above mess was that during the entire time I
continued to remind Elf we were broken up, and he still came back to
me. I did no kicking and screaming, no calling in the middle of the
night to tell him how much I missed him, nothing. I abided by his
rules, and he still came back. This built a layer of trust that NOTHING
has broken down, or ever will. I KNOW that my Elf will be back. There
is nothing to doubt. So when Elf spends time with his lovers, all I
imagine is the scenes they might be doing. I have never felt jealous
again, because we trust each other so very much. And THAT is the way to
beat jealousy.....trust.

>                              If you try to seperate multiple relationships
>some one will always get hurt because your'e taking the attitude of wanting the
>cake and eat it.

   `someone will always get hurt..',huh? Well, I have about six
relationships right now, and my husband has about three or four. This
is real life...I don't know how many he has on, say, furrymuck, or
anything like that. How have they worked out? Well, I have never had
any problems with his relationships, and he has never had any problems
with mine. Period. I consider this an important part of PRIVACY. And it
goes all the way back to trust. I trust that Elf will always come back
to me, always love me more than he loves his other lovers, so I can
give him this privacy to enjoy scenes or interests that I don't find
fun, enjoyable, or interesting. And vice-versus. There are scenes that
Elf balks at that I love. Elf certainly can't provide them for me...but
other lovers can. 

>                                           Going seperate ways will always
>raise the suspicion of deception - even if there isn't any.

   It may always raise the suspicion of deception for you, but not me,
or Elf. Try to keep in mind that this is you we're talking about, not
the whole world. What works for you will not necessarily work for
another, and vice-versus. So don't make blanket statements like that.

                                                             Try to relax a
>little, try threesomes. It can be just as fulfilling as one on one lovemaking.
>
>Kamal

   Oh, I'll agree, that for ME anyway, threesomes can and are just as
fulfilling, at times, as one on one lovemaking. But it's not the only
way to go. There is the possibility that multiple relationships will
work, because they work for me and my husband. Try them, and if they
don't work, they don't work for you. Then try something else. Always
expirement...because after all that is the only way one learns.

                                 Omaha

-- 
Elf Sternberg    __   |     I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss
elf@halcyon.com  \/   | has looked into me.  Neither liked what we saw.
elf@polari.online.com |                              - Brother Theodore