From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Help....  *WARNING SPOILERS*
Date: 2 Sep 92 11:36:18 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

*WARNING SPOILERS are in this message...  Nothing violent, but it's more than I
can deal with as a love addict....*

Warning includes:  Long love story, suicidal tendancies, a diet of
anti-depressants, etc...

Right now it's 4:47 am.  I haven't been to bed yet, dispite the fact that I'm
very tired and have a headache from lack of sleep.  I can't sleep.  (One reason
may be that I also work graveyard, so the time translates to about 11pm.  But I
only slept a few hours last night...)

First, thanks to those who have sent me Email assuring me that I could go ahead
and post here.  I needed that assurance.  Thanks.

As a few regular readers here know (who happen to be friends of mine) I am a 21
year old male, who is head over heels in love with a 15 year old female named
Teri.  This summer she proposed marriage to me, and I accepted.  So at a
SF Convention (DucKon) Dan performed a small (not legally binding) ceremony. 
Right afterwords I had to rush her home because the police were looking for
her.  (She left that morning against her Father's will.  I helped her because
she was past the breaking point, and had run away before.  And she was afraid
of being beaten by her Father.  (That happens about once a year.))

Since then, her parents forcibly seperated us.  (Her father knew my age all
along, and her mom who hated "Doug who was 21" loved "Shawn who was 19", even
though none of the other facts were altered...)  They did so by threatining to
put me in jail.  Personally, I didn't care (and still don't care) if I spent a
short time in a county jail, if it meant I could end up with Teri for life.  So
we made plans on jumping the state line and getting married.  Technically we
could have done so legally, by heading to Mississippi to tie the knot.  Only as
it turns out, the Illinois Judges don't actually care what the law says in
these cases, and make blatent illegal rulings.  In short, even if we followed
the law to end up together, I would have landed in jail, and the marriage would
have been annuled by Illinois Judges.

When the realization hit that we couldn't stay together currently, and her
parents (divorced) both put traps on the phone, and started to moniter all
phone calls (she wasn't allowed to answer the phone) we decided to end it for
then.

At the same time, an ex-boyfriend of hers (Dave) was trying to get Teri to date
him.  So I ended up gracefully bowing out for the time being, stating that
since I couldn't be there because of her folks, she could start dating Dave, if
that's what she wanted.  Just trying to be the nice guy.  (Damn, I'm stuck as
the nice guy too damn often!  I've had ex's break off with me, because I was
"too damn nice" and they couldn't get me really pissed off by being rude.)

At this point I had no doubt that we were truly in love.  Since then I've had
no contact from her.  The last time I tried to call her (a couple of months
ago) I ended up getting a call from her mother threatening to do anything legal
or illegal to keep me away.  I *WOULD* land in jail, if I called again.

I don't know what's going through Teri's mind now, as it has been several
months since the "wedding".

I've gone into occasional depressions for the last 3 years or so, but it only
lasted for a 1-3 days tops every month or so.  Now I'm in a near-constant
depression.  Occasionally I fool myself that I'm having a good time, but it
doesn't take long for reality to set in.

My Psychologist reccommended that I see a Psychatrist.  So I am.  (The
Psycholoist thinks I also have Attention Difency (sp?) Disorder.)  The
Psychatrist doens't see that, but saw the depression.  So I'm now on a diet of
Imipramine, which is only successfull in leaving a bad aftertaste in my mouth
CONSTANTLY, and killing my ability to ejaculate or even get a hard-on.  (So I
masturbate regularly...)

While I'm babbeling, I'm also going to mention *REAL LIFE*.  Something that
I've had very little luck in lately.  Recently I was in a head-on auto
accident, and then I was mugged a week later.  Then a week after that, I was
stood up by an old friend (an ex-g/f who I still care for)...  Not to mention
the fact that I'm a rent-a-cop by profession (read security officer).  Hence, I
earn shit on my pay-checks, and can't even afford to move out of my parents
house.

I don't see much of a future for me.  I don't have too many skills that are
wanted in our modernized politically correct world.  I can't stand the thought
of going back to college full-time.  (I do go part-time.  Class a semester and
I'll graduate whenever the fuck I get around to graduating.)  Hell, I don't
even know what I want to do with my life!  I do know that I don't want to end
up in a job where I have to put on a "face" for everyone where I'm constantly
watched.  (The one job I took like that was at Wheaton Central H.S., and I was
fired from there because was *HONEST AND OPEN* with the students, even if my
answers didn't always fall into what people wanted to hear.  (IE:  I'm not a
Christian, but a Pagan.  But I did refuse to teach anything in the way of
religion.  But that just more rumors spread about which the kiddies told their
parerents as "facts", who complained to the school, who fired me without
checking the facts...  (No one at the H.S. knew about Teri, that I hid well,
because I knew I was flirting with a jail sentance in that case...)

Hell, some of the jobs I would normally consider, because I know I could do
well at, I can't qualify for.  (IE: Police or Bouncer)  Why?  Because I have
less than perfect eyesight and a bad back from multiple auto-accidents.

With my job working security, I see very little of the *real world* (tm),
because I have to work from 8pm to 4am, usually Saturday to Wednesday.  Hell on
my social life.  (And to think, once upon a time I had an overactive social
life.)

Since I was mugged, I've gotten an irrational fear (I know it's irrational,
but...) to go to some of the old neighborhoods I've spent a lot of time in. 
(IE:  Anywhere near the "Punkin' Donuts" (Local name for the Dunkin Donuts on
Belmont and Clark in Chicago))

At work, I'm often working at stone quarries.  (The Pits, literally.)  There
has been more than one occasion where I've found myself depressed over Teri, or
other females, and found myself at the top of the pit about to take a dive
in...  I do know that if I actually owned a handgun (which I could get at any
time, since I already have my Illinois Firearms Owners ID card...) I *KNOW*
that I would't be alive now.

I've tried to slit my wrists, but that hurts to damn much.

I'm just trying to think of a reason why I shouldn't die.  It would be so damn
easy to drive a car into a tree or telephone pole...  I even have a spot picked
out for that near FermiLab...  But then Dan would probably stumble across the
wreck before it was cleared up.

I'm damn tired, but I can't sleep.  WHY???  At least as of late I *CAN* sleep,
and do sleep the sleep of the dead.  For a long time I was having too many
nightmares of when I was with Maria (who broke it off and turned gay...) when
she would wake up in the middle of the night screaming, throwing my head off
her breasts...  Or from *FEELING* what it was like for Teri to be beaten by her
father.  I know that's not logical, but we had ties close enough so that we
could feel each others feelings, and sometimes share thoughts as well.

Damn,  I just want to be loved!  Is that asking too much?

(Well, I also want to be able to support myself, and my love, but I think we
already covered that.)

HELP!

(And I think I'll make a printoff of this message and mail it to my
Psychologist...  Maybe she can come up with some kind of answers...)

And thanks for letting me prattle on like this.  I tried a diary approach, but
that didn't work.  Words that are written but never read have little to no
value to me...

Krikket               ! krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us ! USnail:3 Danada Square E.
a.k.a Doug Krick      ! Team Star Charter Member   !        Suite 246
Data ph# 708/665-9732 ! #include<std.disclaimers>  !        Wheaton, Il 60187
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  Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs on our nation today.