From: fwi@cco.caltech.edu (Bill Irion)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: coming out to family??
Date: 23 Dec 1992 13:05:30 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
NNTP-Posting-Host: punisher.caltech.edu

rks@cscns.com (gisle j benediktsson) writes:

>Bill Irion (fwi@cco.caltech.edu) wrote:


[...]

>: [...]  Speaking for myself, I badly
>: want my family's acceptance.  I do give them that power, because I love
>: them and they love me back.  Anything that would lessen their love or
>: fundamentally alter it is a sacrifice that I, and I would think many
>: others, would not take lightly.  In a nutshell, I don't want to hide
>: it from them and I don't want to lose their love.  Are you mystified
>: about me now? 

>Yes. If you have those doubts, why set yourself up?

>I differ with you in that I don't feel that *not* sharing private
>information is dishonest. I think we all have a right to our privacy.

>: Different people need different things from their family, whatever
>: form that family has.  There's often no rational explanation for what
>: people want from their folks, but then, no explanation is needed. 

>If what you want is reasonably what you can expect, it makes a lot of 
>sense. If, on the other hand, one can reasonably expect to be ridiculed,
>rejected or otherwise made to feel less than respected, then it is 
>self-sabotage. 

Well, I don't know if self-sabotage is the word I'd use, but I've heard
good coming-out stories and bad ones, and a "bad" coming out can be 
emotionally devastating.  But there are a couple of issues I think
that come to mind, in my case at least.  One is that I don't really
know what to expect from family members when I come out to them.  It
might be okay, or it might be terrible.  But what seems plausible is
that it might be lousy at first and then they'll come around.  Who 
knows?  Okay, so why take the risk?  I suppose the second issue to me is that
I have to be true to myself.  To deny or conceal something from my
family that has a major impact on my life has a cost too.  You're right
in that we do have a right to privacy, and nobody _has_ to tell their
folks, but I think the obligation to do so has to be evaluated
individually.  There are no right or wrong decisions for something as
personal as that, particularly in the case where the outcome can't be 
predicted.


>Speaking strictly for myself, I have done a hell of a lot of work to 
>accept myself -- and the biggest hurdle was understanding that some
>people will not -- and that has to be okay. For me to stay healthy
>(something I have acquired since leaving my family), I have to stay
>very clear on that. And another one of the biggest hurdles was admitting
>to myself that things weren't going to change -- and sometimes forgiveness
>means "we don't do well together". 

No doubt that's often true.  Acceptance of oneself is something to be
proud of.  Sometimes that does mean cutting some ties.  But that can
be difficult if you're just not sure that they won't change.  

>My post was intended for those who have real fears and doubts about
>coming out to their families. It is my way of saying "you don't have
>to." If it is going to, in any way, impinge on your happiness or well
>being -- tell 'em to fuck off. 

Well, if my worst case scenario came to pass, I'd cry my eyes out for
a few days, tell them I love them anyway, and get on with my life.  Then
I'd tell them to wise up.  But, Gisle, who knows?  Someday I might take
your advice.    

It's been a great 1992.  Thank you to the many folks on soc.bi
who helped me come out.  This place has been a real pleasure.  I gotta
catch a plane.  Happy holidays to all, and see ya in '93.

Hugs,
Bill


--
Bill Irion    fwi@cco.caltech.edu
"Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere" - Elvis Costello