From: yshah@lucpul.it.luc.edu (Guessing)
Subject: Reworked BA Quotes List *LONG* 4/4
Keywords: BlackAdder
Organization: Loyola University Chicago
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 01:40:47 GMT


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[ BlackAdder Series 4 ]

Black Adder Goes Fourth (Edmund BA is a Captain in the trenches along the
Western Front in 1917). 1989

1. Captain Cook

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

General Melchett is looking for an artist for a special assignment.

o  PB: "Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?"
   EB: "Rat...au vin?"
   PB: "Yeah, it's rat that's been..."
   EB: "...run over by a van."

o  PB: "I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit 
        by it..."

o  LG: "Tally ho, pip pip, & bird's your uncle."
   EB: "In English, we say, 'Good morning.'"

o  EB: "Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry   
        cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to 
        cover a small water biscuit."

o  PB: "What's on the menu?"
   EB: "Rat:  sautee or fricasee."
   PB: "Oh, the agony of choice.  Sauteed involves...?"
   EB: "Well, first you take a freshly shaven rat and marinate it in a mud 
        puddle for a while."
   PB: "Mmm, for how long?"
   EB: "Til it's drowned."

o  GM: "Row, row, row your punt gently down the stream,
   LG:  Belts off, trousers down, life is such a scream.  UNNHH!!"
   EB: "Fabulous.  University education:  you can't beat it."

o  EB: "I, on the other hand, am a fully-rounded human being, with a degree 
        from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard      
        Knocks, & three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit 
        Kicked Out of Me."

o  LG: "Well, *I'm* not overfurnished in the brain department."

o  EB: "I smell something fishy, & I'm not talking about Baldrick's apple 
        crumble."

o  LG: "Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an Impressionist."
   EB: "The only impression he can do is that of a man with no talent."

o  EB: "This is going to be art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down & 
        told Leonardo da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood."

o  GM: "So it's maximum security, is that clear?"
   EB: "Quite clear, sir.  Only myself & the rest of the English-speaking   
        world is to know."

o  CD: "Good luck against those elephants."

o  EB: "Get me a chisel & some marble, will you, Baldrick?"
   LG: "Oh, you taking up sculpture now, sir?"
   EB: "No, I thought I'd get my headstone done."
   LG: "What are you going to put on it?"
   EB: "'Here lies Edmund Blackadder, & he's bloody annoyed.'"

o  LG: "In the school debating society, I was voted Boy Least Likely to     
        Complete a Coherent...erm..."
   EB: "Sentence?"
   LG: "That's it!  Yes!  Yes!"

2. Corporal Punishment

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
CP : Corporal Perkins (Jeremy Hardy)

In avoiding orders from Geneepisdesral Melchett, Edmund eats a messanger
pigeon, which turns out to be a court-martial offence.

o  LG: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
   EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
        scatter oneself over a wide area."

o  EB: "With 100,000 men dying every day, who's going to miss one small 
        pigeon?"
   <BANG!>
   LG: "Well, obviously not you, Sir"
    
o  LG: "As far as I can tell, you're guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile

        of pooh."

o  GM: "I don't care if he has been rogering the Duke Of York with a large  
        leek. He killed my pigeon."
       - General Meltchett on the death of his 'Speckled Jim'

o  "We're your firing squad."
       - The firing squad meets Blackadder

o  EB: "George, I'm in deep trouble here.  I need to construct a case that's 
        as watertight as a mermaid's brassiere."

o  LG: "I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Complete Works of      
        Charles Dickens."

o  CP: "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
   EB: "Perhaps later."

o  EB: "Morning, George.  Morning, Baldrick.  Stil a striking resemblance to 
        guppy fish at feeding time."

3. Major Star

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
BP : Driver Bob Parkhurst (Gabrielle Glaister)

In order to boost up the troop's morale, Edmund organises a show with 
hopes of taking the revue to London.

o  LG: "So, we're a bit stuck."
   EB: "You can say that again, George.  We're in the stickiest situation   
        since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun!"

o  EB: "They've [the Russians] abandoned the Eastern Front."
   PB: "And they've overthrown Nicholas the Second, who used to be bizarre."
   EB: "He used to be *the* Czar, Baldrick."

o  BP: "Oh, sir, sir, please don't give me away, sir.  I just wanted to be  
        like my brothers & join up.  I want to see how a war is fought -- so 
        badly!"
   EB: "Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.  A war hasn't been fought 
        this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings,          
        accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on 
        the inside."

o  EB: "Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George?  You should go to 
        Jamaica & become a limbo dancer."

o  EB: "If I should die, think only this of me:  I'll be back to get ya."


4. Private Plane

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
LF : Squadron Leader The Lord Flashheart (Rik Mayall)

Edmund joins the Air Corp and crashes behind enemy lines with Baldrick.
Lord Flashheart battles Baron von Richthoven to rescue him.

o  EB: "I don't care how many times they go up-diddly-up-up.  They're still 
        gits."

o  LF: "You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman."
   EB: "So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?"
   LF: "No, get in her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"

o  EB: "We've shot off over a million shells & what's the result?  One      
        dachshund with a slight limp."

o  LG: "My God!"
   LF: "Yes, I suppose I am."

o  GM: "Darling, stop slouching"
       - to an unconscious Capt Darling (headbutted by Flash)

o  LF: "Ask me why I don't wear any underwear"
   EB: "Why don't you have any underwear?"
   LF: "Because a pair of pants haven't been invented that will take the
        job on. wooooow!!"

o  EB: "For two & a half years, the Western Front has been as likely to move 
        as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel."

o  LF: "I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
   EB: "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from        
        scratch."

o  EB: "However, the Teutonic reputation for brutality is well-founded.     
        Their operas last three or four days.  They have no word for        
        'fluffy.'"

5. General Hospital

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
NB : Nurse Mary Fletcher-Brown (Miranda Richardson)

Edmund is assigned to find a spy in a hospital, which has a beautiful
nurse and a man with a strong German accent called "Smith".

o  EB: "She's as wet as a fish's wet bits."

o  NB: "Tell me, Edmund, do you have someone special in your life?"
   EB: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
   NB: "Who?"
   EB: "Me."
   NB: "No, I mean someone you love & cherish & want to keep safe from all  
        the horror & hurt."
   EB: "Mmmm, still me, really."

o  EB: "I only smoke after making love, so back home in England 
        I'm a twenty a day man."

o  GM: "Well, bugger me with a fish fork!"

o  GM: "You'll need a very convincing injury then."
       - General while shooting Darling in the foot to get him in hospital

o  LG: "It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick & the Cap again.  They'll have been 
        worried sick about me, you know."
   EB: "All right, where is the malingering git?"

o  EB: "Sir, is there something the matter?"
   GM: "You're damned right there's something the matter!  Something sinister 
        & something grotesque.  And what's worse is that it's going on under 
        my very nose!"
   EB: "Sir, your moustache is lovely!"

o  LG: "Well cover me in egg and flour and bake me for 14 minutes!"
       - Lt. George on discovering that the nurse was the spy

6. Goodbyeee

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

The big push is coming, so Edmund goes mad. Will a last minute call to
Field Marshal Haig save him?

o  EB: "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell.'"

o  LG: "I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol."
       
o  EB: "Now, Baldrick, ask me some simple questions."
   PB: "Right.  Wot is your name?"
   EB: "Wooble."
   PB: "Wot is two plus two?"
   EB: "Oh, wooble wooble."
   PB: "Where do you live?"
   EB: "London."
   PB: "Eh?"
   EB: "A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city...Wooble."

o  PB: "I heard it [the war] started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an 
        ostrich 'cos he was hungry."

o  LG: "I'm as excited as a really excited person who's got a special reason 
        to be excited."


o  CD: "Made a note in my diary on the way here.  Simply says:  bugger."

o  EB: "We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions 
        of men have died, & we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant 
        with some heavy shopping."

o  PB: "Shall I do my war poem?"
   EB: "How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is 'I'd    
        rather French-kiss a skunk'?"
   PB: "So would I, sir."

o  EB: "I'm afraid it'll have to wait.  Whatever it was, I'm sure it was    
        better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad.  I  
        mean, who would've noticed another madman around here?"

o  EB: "Surely you've noticed something in the air?"
   LG: "Yes, but I -- I thought that was Baldrick."

===========================  NEED HELP PLACING THESE ====================

o  EB: "You don't look like Charlie Chaplin, Baldric. You don't have a 
        moustache."
   B: "No, Sir. But I have this - a dead slug."
       - BA4

o  B: "I want my mother."
   EB: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very
        moment."      
       - BA4

o  "Have you ever visited Planet Earth ?"
       - EB to the General, BA4.

o  "Baldric, that is the worst plan since Abe Lincoln said to his wife, 
    <I'm sick of sitting around the house, let's catch a show>"
       - EB, BA4

o  "Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?"
       - George on the belief that Blackadder is dead, BA4

o  "Dear Mr Chapman Stop
    Have found only man in the world less funny than you stop
    Name is Baldrick Stop
    Yours Captain E Blackadder stop.
    P.S. Please please please please stop."
       - EB commenting on Charlie Chaplin and Baldric, BA4

o  George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who 
             would normally disobey orders?"
   Darling: "Yes."
   George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
       - George questions Capt. Darling, BA4

o  "Me and you of course Darling,
    Field Marshall Haugue, and Field Marshell's Haugue's wife,
    All her friends, her friends servants,
    her friends servants tennis partners,
    and some man I bumped into in the mess last week
    named "######""
       - Generals list of people knowing of the secret plan, BA4

o  "Ah, cappucino."
       - Baldrick confesses to BA that all the coffees that have been served
         for the past few months have in fact been mud, with dandruff for   
         sugar and spit for milk (I'm making myself sick typing this crap .. 
         anyway) Baldrick makes a cuppa for Captain Darling, who upon       
         receiving it looks into the cup, BA4

o  "There was a tiny flaw in the plan.  It was bollocks."
       - EB to G and B, BA4


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[ BlackAdder Christmas Special ]

2. Blackadder's Christmas Carol (Ebenezer Blackadder is the proprietor of
   a moustache shop in Victorian London). 1988

EB  : Ebeneezer Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LF  : Lord Frondo (Stephen Fry)
B   : Baldrick, Commander of the Galactic Fleet (Tony Robinson)

Ebenezer Adder is the kindest man in England. A visit from the Spirit of
Christmas helps him see the error of his ways.

Includes Christmas scenes of BA II and BA III plus a "Star Adder" scene.

o  EB: "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself 
        purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle plans 
        are here again'."

o  EB: "Well, peel my tangerines!"

o  EB: "Well, bless my ten toes!"

o  G : "I mean, for heaven's sake!  What can I do with a girl that I can't do
        with you?"
   EB: "I cannot conceive, sir."
     - [The Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie); Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) 
        BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL]

o  EB: "There's a limit to how long the aroma of roasting chestnuts can blot 
        out the smell of Baldrick's trousers."
     - [Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) -- BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL]

o  LF: "What news of the foul Marmidons?"
   B : "Good news!"
   LF: "Excellent!"
   B : "...for the Marmidons."

o  EB: "Baldrick, I want you to take this & go out & buy a turkey so large, 
        you'd think its mother'd been rogered by an omnibus."

o  EB: "Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself  
        purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing subtle plans are here 
        again."
       - outside the throne room after (apparently) outwitting Melchie

o  "Well baste my steaming puddings!"
   
o  EB: "If I'm mean and nasty then my desendants will rule the universe,
        but if I'm not I'll end up wearing Baldricks posing pouch"

o  "I remember when I was young putting out biscuits and a drink for Father
    Christmas - And then scoffing it all because I was a princess and I 
    could do whatever I want!"
       - Queen in BlackAdders Xmas special

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[ BlackAdder -- The Cavalier Years ]

1. Blackadder: The Cavalier Years (Edmund is a friend of King Charles).
(part of a BBC Comic Relief Telethon)

Edmund attempts to rescue King Charles from being executed by the round-
heads.

"Tell the King that he's as safe as a fox being hunted by a pack of
one-legged hunting tortoises."

[Sir Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) -- BLACKADDER:  THE CAVALIER YEARS]

===========================================================================
===========================================================================
<* I originally received this list from: *>

    Tia <V128JUXA@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu>

<* and was originally written by: *>

Stephen Wales      <stephenw@mincom.oz.au> 

<* Which started with this Heading *>

OK, folks. Here it is. All the quotes I have received via mail as well as all
that have been posted. Credits appear at the end. If you don't like
Blackadder
(yes, we all saw your posting(s) - you know who you are), hit 'n' now and
forever hold your peace - you are not forced to read this :-)

I was going to wait until the end of the week, but the list is getting too
big
and, to be quite honest, I'm getting pissed off editing them. Thanks to all
who contributed, I now wash my hands of it :-)

Contributors to date (both mailed and posted) :

Stephen Wales      <stephenw@mincom.oz.au> (had to plug myself :-) )
Geoff Fraser       <G.J.Fraser@cc.flinders.edu.au>
Steven Ball        <steve@anucsd.anu.edu.au>
Francesco Savalgio <eefps@marlin.jcu.edu.au>
Christian Legg     <legg@ucs.adelaide.edu.au>
Allan Creighton    <allanc@physiol.su.oz.au>
??                 <edla@cs.uq.oz.au>
Gregory Bond       <gnb@bby.oz.au>
Richard Jones      <rda184s@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au>
Andrea Todkill     <andrea@cm.deakin.OZ.AU>
Kevin Phillips Bong <ure@ee.mu.OZ.AU> (who likes Monty Python, hmmm :-) )
Jason Birch        <jasonb@cs.uwa.oz.au>
Michael Lundberg
Graeme Reid        <Graeme@bilby.cs.uwa.oz.au>
Greg Norman        <shark@cs.uq.oz.au>
??                 <johnb@cs.uq.oz.au>
Simon Rodger       <sjr@mullauna.cs.mu.OZ.AU>
David McLaren      <mclaren@tasman.cc.utas.edu.au>
Paul Osmond        <SHOLLINGS@cc.curtin.edu.au>
Peter              <brewer@qut.edu.au>
Mark O Brien       <obrienm@jasper.ucq.edu.au>
Kelwyn Osborn      <cctr128@csc.canterbury.ac.nz>
Joan McGalliard    <jem@latcs1.lat.oz.au>
Sam Waugh          <waugh@tasman.cc.utas.edu.au>
Boyd Roberts       <boyd@prl.dec.com>
Graeme Wong See    <graeme@research.canon.oz.au>
Andy Newman        <andy@research.canon.oz.au>
The Ninja Turle    <rsannino@physics.adelaide.edu.au>
Phil Stocks        <phil@cs.uq.oz.au>
Andrew Allum       <andrewa@cs.uq.oz.au>
Rachel Fazio       <rachel@dexter.pub.uu.oz.au>
Simon              <u6103732@ucsvc.ucs.unimelb.edu.au>
Fraser Wilson      <fraser@mullauna.cs.mu.OZ.AU>
John Dodson        <johnd@physiol.su.oz.au>
Stephen Thompson   <stephen@labtam.labtam.oz.au>
John Butcher       <bart@asgard.pub.uu.oz.au>
Paul Thompson      <turgon@tornado.gen.nz>
Gerard JP Roffey   <gjr@melb.bull.oz.au>
Anthony P Neville  <maapn@marlin.jcu.edu.au>
Alan Murray        <cctr123@csc.canterbury.ac.nz>
John B. Miezitis   <johnm@bowen.cc.utas.edu.au>
mr  k.h. geppert   <ins749r@monu3.cc.monash.edu.au>
Jonathan Potter    <jpotter@ucs.adelaide.edu.au>


These are all keyed as received (to the best of my typing ability), or as
best
as my memory allows, so inaccuracies and typos are just bad luck. Also, they
may not all be exactly as written in the script, but the spirit of them is 
still there. Some you may not find funny - don't flame me for posting 
'unfunny' stuff - I am posting *all* quotes I was sent or saw on the net.

Don't flame me for posting this list either (after assorted mail and postings
about 'stop this, it's boring'). Some people find it amusing (see the list
of contributors - as well as mail requests for the list I have received).
There is obviously an audience for this, so it is directed there. If you
don't like it, and are reading this, then that's your own fault, not mine.

Now that I have that out of my system, I'll continue :

Also, I apologise if I forgot to credit anyone, or if your email address is 
incorrect (again, you know these insidious tpyos).

Finally, to quote a favourite net line "All flames to /dev/null". ;-)

Enjoy!
Steve.

-- 
Stephen Wales              | internet    : stephenw@mincom.oz.au
Mincom Pty Ltd,            | UUCP        :
..!uunet!munnari!mincom.oz!stephenw
Brisbane, Australia        |
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you" - Monty Python's Cheese Shop
--end--

Nat.
(gnat@kauri.vuw.ac.nz -- Nathan Torkington -- is the electronic text and
 MS-DOS archivist for the Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand)

<* With additional Quotes From *>

trn@warper.jhuapl.edu (Tony Nardo)

And Tony got his from

"B Prillaman" <bap11539@usav01.glaxo.com>
===========================================================================
=====

( Need some help placing these quotes )

o  "That would be as hard as finding a piece of hay in an incredibly large 
    stack of needles."
       - EB

o  "Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato."
       - EB

o  "Mr Blackadder has been made returning officer, after the previous officer
    tragically cut his head off while combing his hair."
       - Reporter, reporting on EB's new job.

o  EB: "First Name?"
   B : "I'm not sure."
   EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
   B : "It might be Sod Off."
   EB: "Sod Off??"
   B : "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to 
        all the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say,   
       "Yes we know, Sod Off Baldrick"
       - Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..

o   EB: "I wish to send some party invitations.  In order to make them look
         particularly fierce, I wish to sign them in blood. Your blood, to
         be precise."
    B : "Ah, I see.  Will you be requiring me to cut off an arm or a leg?"
    EB: "Good lord, no!  A little prick will do."


o   Baldric (?I think it was him): "Do you always talk to yourself?"
    EB: "Yes. It's the only way I can be sure of having an intelligent
        conversation."

o   "I want to be well known and famous and hundreds of years from
     now I want my life's story to be told weekly at 9:30 and I want to be
     portrayed by the most heroic actor of the time "

o   EB - "You know what the good thing about this present is
          Baldrick ?"
          [Inserts his hand and arm into Baldrick's empty Christmas stocking]
    Baldrick - "No"
    EB - "You can use it again and again and again."
          [EB withdraws his hand from the Christmas stocking and punches
           Baldrick in the face a few times]


o  "Well if I've got it, then you've got it too now sir." 
       - B to EB

Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british