From: userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca (Mark Israel)
Subject: Re: definition of "playing hard to get"
Originator: lnds@medievil.biochem.ualberta.ca
Organization: University of Alberta, Edmonton, Canada
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 05:55:00 GMT

In article <1992Apr2.170820.20659@watserv1.waterloo.edu>, gaile@csg.uwaterloo.ca (Gaile Simmons) writes:

> I've been following this thread and I find that I am quite confused 
> about how people define "playing hard to get".  I've heard this phrase 
> used in many different ways.  For example:
>
> - "She is interested in me, but pretends not to be."

   Either that, or "She is more interested in me than she pretends to be."
I think these two meanings can be stretched to cover all the cases below.


> - "She is interested in me, but wants to take things slower than I do."

   The speaker is interpreting "Not yet" as feigned lack of interest.  
(In many cases, "Not yet" *does* mean "Maybe never".)


> - "She refuses to kiss me goodnight on the first date."

   The speaker is interpreting the refusal to kiss as feigned lack of
interest.  (Little does he know what an excellent cue that refusal is
to negotiate a second date forthwith! :-) )


> - "She refuses to have sex with me on the third date."

   ... interpreting refusal to have sex as feigned lack of interest.


> - "She will only let me go so far, sexually."

   ... interpreting refusal to go further as ...
  

> - "She seems to want sex, but insists that she's not ready yet."

   And he doesn't believe her (or pretends not to believe her, or is too 
callous to care).


> - "She said that she didn't want sex, but she had sex with me when I
>   pushed her.  Now, she refuses to see me."

   Never mind about *her*.  What about *him*?  He pushed not only her, but
his luck, as well.


> - "I've heard that she has [dated, kissed, had sex with] someone else, 
>   but she won't with me."

   That she did it with someone else, he regards as proof that she wants 
it, which he regards as proof that she wants it *with him* (which he
regards as proof that her lack of interest in him is feigned).  He's
sure making a bundle of ASSumptions! 


> When I have been accused of "playing hard to get", it is often because 
> I am not interested in moving as quickly as the other person.  I'm not
> into games, but the other person *thinks* that I am.

   On the other hand, someone who realises YOU're NOT playing games may
be playing a game *himself* -- i.e. he may just be dumb enough to think
that *accusing* you of playing hard-to-get is good strategy for persuading
you to move faster. :-(
    

> And, yes, I have had many experiences where men *do* seem to value a
> relationship more when I move slower than when I move faster.

   Well, since you're a woman, I'm sure you know that before one's had
time to become aroused, the wrong kind of stimulation can be downright 
painful.  What applies to physical arousal in women may apply to 
emotional arousal in both men and women. :-)


> As well, I have had relationships end because I was seen as moving too 
> fast (ie., "If you're willing to do *that*, then you must be a 'slut'.")

   Hmmm.  I would never condemn a woman for moving *as fast* as I wanted
to move.  If a woman wanted to move *faster* than I wanted to move, that
might be *evidence* that she and I were incompatible -- but certainly not
*proof*!


> I'm not saying that all men feel this way, just that it happens 
> (someone suggested that it never does).

   I suspect that if I were a heterosexual woman, I wouldn't be terribly 
interested in the type of men with whom that happened.


> I'd also like to agree with the person who said that there is some
> value in finding out how a man reacts when a woman says "no".  I'm
> not playing games when I test whether a man is willing to stop when
> I ask him to.  I am protecting myself.

   Excellent point.


> Finally, I'd like to agree with the person who said that it makes sense
> that a woman considers a man as a *potential* rapist/murderer until 
> she gets to know him better.

   Considering the frequency of acquaintance rape, I don't think that
"getting to know the man better" is the complete answer.  You might want
to consider taking a martial arts course.

userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca		Mark Israel
Instinctive grammatical moralizer.