From: dean@cs.adelaide.edu.au (Dean Engelhardt)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord
Subject: Re: CD's for Sale  (most musical tastes)
Date: 8 Oct 92 01:33:14 GMT
Reply-To: dean@cs.adelaide.edu.au
Organization: University of Adelaide, South Australia.
NNTP-Posting-Host: winnie.cs.adelaide.edu.au

In article <1992Oct2.235945.13320@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu>, 
   basamson@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu (Pianoman, the Porsche Afficianado) writes:
|>     ___________________________________________________________________
|>    /                                                                   \
|>       Brian Samson                   |    What happens if you mix      
|>          Aka. The Pianoman           |    1 gallon of paint with       
|>         The Porsche Afficianado      |    1 gallon of paint remover?   
|>       55mph Never, 100+mph Forever!  |   ----------------------------  
|>    \___________________________________________________________________/


                       THE GREAT FROSH .SIG ATROCITY
                           a play in one sad act 


                              GEEKIS PERSONAE


BRIAN SAMPSON:    A short spotty fourteen year old with bottle glasses and
                  perpetual halitosis, who eagerly awaits the day the letter
                  arrives in his parents letterbox which tells him he has been
                  granted a Freenet account.

ARNIE "the GEEK": A tall skinny dweeb who wears the same "Only Amiga Makes it
                  Possible" T-Shirt every day of the year. Personal Hygene is
                  a revolution that passed Arnie by.


                                  ACT I

[ The Scene: a small crowded basement somewhere in Ohio. The dark and smelly
  corners of this tiny room are variously crammed with old parts of a C64, 
  torn and scuffed Basic Reference Manual for same, and a rather stained looking
  calendar featuring a scantily clad woman. An Amiga 500 occupies pride and place
  on a rickety looking picnic table. The walls are covered with crude adolescent
  representations of the Amiga Check.]


ARNIE: Geez Brian . . . how are we ever gonna get Babes? I mean we've tried 
       everything: hangin out outside the YWCA, flashin out butts out the window
       of your big brother's car . . . even volunteering to read out them
       Shakespear poetry in English. Sheesh ... we done all those things an still
       no girl will even come within a hundred yards of us. What are we gonna 
       do Brian ...

        (He begins to sob)

BRIAN: Hey don't cry Arnie . . . I got the perfect plan. Ya know how my brother
       Bernie just started his freshman year?

ARNIE: Yeah, so what?

BRIAN: Well he let me go with him the other day into the University Computing
       center . . .

ARNIE: Why'd he do that . . . I thought your brother hated your gutz.

BRIAN: Yeah he does, but I wouldn't believe him when he told me that they
       didn't use Amigas there, so he said I could come see myself.

ARNIE: Wow 
  
         (He stares in awe)

BRIAN: Yeah 
 
         (a self-satisfied gloating grin settles across his face)

BRIAN: Anyway . . . when he logged into the University computer, I watched
       over his shoulder as he typed in his password. And that password, my
       friend, is going to be our ticket to as many Babes as we can handle,
       if ya get my drift.

ARNIE: Handle? eh?

BRIAN: Never mind. Just sit back and watch . . .

         (he turns to his Amiga and begins typing)

BRIAN: OK . . . so now I'm using my new Zemtrek 29000 modem (which actually does
       a whopping 300 baud) ...

ARNIE: Wow!

BRIAN: ... to dial into the University computer. OK ... So now I'm connected. 

         (screen reads: "login:"
          he types    : "basamson"
          screen reads: "password:"
          he types    : "rushRgood")

BRIAN: ... OK it worked ... we're into my brother's University account!!!

ARNIE: So whatcha gonna do now? How's this gonna get us some Babes?

BRIAN: You're so stupid Arnie. Don'tcha know that there's all these 
       sophisticated babes out there on Usenet that're just waiting for the 
       sensitive man of their dreams to turn up?

ARNIE: No. How'd you know that?

BRIAN: My brother told me. Anyway . . . you know how those desperate Babes 
       choose which men to go after? It's by their way cool sophisticated 
       signatures. So all we've gotta do is to come up with a cool sig which 
       shows how tender and caring we are, and we've got it made.

ARNIE: Alright! OK .... erm .... how about .... "Stick your tongue down my 
       throat all you sex-starved mamas!"

BRIAN: Sheesh . . . you don't have a clue do you? "Mamas" is way unhip this
       week man. Anyway, I've got an idea . . . what we need to catch those
       Babes is a really Philosophical Quote. You know . . . like that one
       about the Tree in the Forest.

ARNIE: You mean "Does a Bear Sh.."

BRIAN: No you idiot ... "If a tree falls in a forest, and noone hears it did
       it make a sound?"

ARNIE: Course it did stupid!

BRIAN: Hmm .... OK so we need something a bit more philosophical. How about
       "What happens if you mix 1 gallon of paint with 1 gallon of paint 
       remover?" Hey that sounds pretty good don'tcha think.

ARNIE: Err ... yeah real phisolophical like. But you need a cool border to
       catch the attention of them Babes!

BRIAN: Yeah you're right . . . how about something like this.

        ( draws an ascii border which looks a little like a hamburger )

ARNIE: Hey wow . . . that looks a bit like a condom!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BRIAN: Hmm ... hey man you've got a lot to learn about sophistication. OK so
       what have we got, an eye-catching border, my name and that real deep
       type quote.

ARNIE: How come you put just your name on there . . . why can't you put mine
       on it too?

BRIAN: Cos that would look like we're a couple of desperate losers looking 
       for a quick lay.

ARNIE: But we are.

BRIAN: I know that. You know that. But we don't want them knowing that. Sheesh!
       Anyway we still need something to let them women know just how 
       sophisticated we are. We need to put something about the kind of men
       we are ... what cool stuff we're interested in.

ARNIE: How about ... only Amiga makes it possible?

BRIAN: Good idea ... but I've got a better one. You remember how much your
       sister cries every time she hears that Billy Joel song about the
       Pianoman.

ARNIE: Yeah ... she reckon's it so sweet.

BRIAN: Well don'tcha think the women would absolutely swarm over the kinda
       sensitive man who can make such soppy .. er beautiful music.

ARNIE: Yeah

BRIAN: OK ... so under my name I'll put aka Pianoman. I'll even change Bernie's
       finger info to read the same. I know how to do this cos I read a book
       on UNIX once!

ARNIE: Wow

BRIAN: That's looking pretty good. But it needs one more touch. The really 
       hot chicks always go for the guys with the fastest cars. So if I
       pretend I've got really bodacious wheels I'm made man! OK what's a
       really cool car?

ARNIE: Err ... the Batmobile?

BRIAN: Duh! No maybe a porsche is cool enough. OK so under the aka bit I'll
       put "The Porsche Afficianado" and I'll change Bernie's finger to match.

ARNIE: What's an "Afficianado"?

BRIAN: I dunno ... but it's written here on the front of this Amiga manual
       so it must mean "Cool Dude" or something.

ARNIE (looking at book): Yeah "Everything for the Amiga Afficianado". Wow it
       must mean something really cool and sophisticated. Cos it's so hard
       to spell.

BRIAN: Reckon! OK we've got two lines left inside the border ... hmm ... OK
       we need to let them Babes know that I'm not the kind of Porsche driver
       who just buys it for show and never drives it faster than the speed
       limit or anything. You know like my dentist does.

ARNIE: Yeah that old fogey doesn't know what speed means.

BRIAN: OK so maybe if I include something like "55mph Never, 100+mph Forever!"
       then they'll know how cool a Porsche driver I would be if I had one.

ARNIE: and if you had a license!

BRIAN: OK so only one line left .... erm ....  can you think of anything?

ARNIE: erm ... (long silence) ... no.

BRIAN: What the heck I'll just put some dashes there to underline my way cool
       quote. That way the women won't be able to miss it. OK so now I'll save
       the sig file, and start up the newsreader.

         (list of active news groups flashes by screen)

ARNIE: Wow ... look at all those cool groups.

BRIAN: Yeh ... I reckon. But I've only got time to make one posting, cos Bernie
       will be home soon and I don't wanna be caught! OK so which group do you
       think all the hot Babes hang out in?

ARNIE: What about that one: soc.women.

BRIAN: You're a genius! OK so if we just post a little message ...

         (types in short and typically geeky message)

BRIAN: ... and sent! Now all we have to do is sit back and wait for all those
       women to get in touch with us.

ARNIE: Er ... how they gonna do that Brian ... I mean the sig didn't have any
       phone numbers or addresses or anything ...

         (silence)

BRIAN: Oh Fuck! OK just a quick modification to the sig ...

         (sound of someone coming down stairs)

BRIAN: Shit!!!! Someone's coming .... quick hide the calendar!!

         (he pulls the power cord for the Amiga out of the wall)

ARNIE: I can't .... I've wet my pants...

BRIAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



                                  EXIT



Dean.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dean Engelhardt         | "Stick your tongue down my throat all you 
dean@cs.adelaide.edu.au |  sex-starved mamas!"  -- Anon.