Newsgroups: bit.listserv.catholic
Date:         Tue, 29 Dec 1992 09:49:08 -0700
From:         "John W. Woolley" <jww@EVOLVING.COM>
Subject:      Forwarded mail, and comments

I'm posting this for someone who can't (yet) post directly; she asked
that I forward it to the group, and not include her address.

***********************************

Hi.  I'm new to the net, so forgive me if this topic has been covered
before and tell me to (groan) shut up if it has.  I really want some
feedback, though.

I've listened to Marty et al discuss the marriage laws and I've listened
with interest to the problems of getting a single parent's child baptized.
Why is the compassion shown for an infant "bastard" and her young parents
not shown for divorcees?  Forgive me if my anger/pain/bewilderment/sense of
betrayal shows, but that's the point of this posting.

I have frequently said over the last five years that I would have been
better off killing my ex (not that he deserved it -- he's a good man).  I
then could have gone to confession, said a sincere Act of Contrition, and
remained in the Catholic body of Christ.  As it is, I survived four years
of attending mass and not taking communion.  The pain didn't diminish-- it
built.  I could take the self-righteous comments from the laity and
occasional dolt of a priest ("Didn't you try to save your marriage?" has
got to rank as one of the stupidest questions of all time), but the
repeated pain of being denied communion became a conditioned response.
After a couple years, I couldn't enter a Catholic church without feeling
pain.  Worshipping God is not supposed to hurt, guys.  (I notice only one
woman currently posting -- interesting.)  Even though I reamined an active
parishioner, helping to run the catechism office, raising my son Catholic,
and participating in adult ed, I felt more and more like a pariah.
Confession wasn't possible; I did not, do not, and never will regret
divorcing my ex.  What's more, after years of prayer and meditation prior
to the act, I am convinced that God understood, forgave, and, I think, even
condoned.

Why is it that divorce is the one sin the Church has no forgiveness for?

I know, I'm rambling.  Sorry.  I just passed my first Christmas since
leaving the Church.  With very great regret, I left New Year's Eve of last
year.  I simply couldn't take the pain any longer.  The Anglican communion
is the true sacrament and they don't mind ministering to sinners.  But I
still, and always will, miss the Church.  For the record, some of the
people who love the Church the most can be found kneeling next to me on
Sundays.

I guess what I'm asking is, DOES ANYBODY CARE??? The church that I was
taught was supposed to minister to me in my time of need turned her back so
fast, you would have thought I was an AIDs victim.  I take that back -- the
Church has been a leader in compassion towards the AIDs victims.

Yes, I caused part of the problem myself.  I refuse to go through the
hypocracy of an annulment.  That marriage lasted 18 years, produced two
fine children, and was a real marriage in every sense.  I won't pretent to
a lie otherwise.  I also won't spend the rest of my life paying for a sin
God has forgiven even if man can't.  I like men, I date, and I someday hope
to remarry.  I won't cut myself off from half the human race and feel
myself shriveling inside as I become more and more isolated.  Such self
destruction is against my understanding of God's will for me.  I know in my
heart that God wants me to recover and rebuild my life.  I also know that
the majority of divorced Catholics do as my ex and his wife do -- "fake
it". No one knows and no one (intentionally?) asks if they are married in
the eyes of the Church.  I don't judge them their solution to the problem,
and it is a VERY common solution, but years of 12 Step programs have taught
me that I can't avail myself of that kind of dishonesty.

I found my spiritual solution in talking to a divorced Episcopalian priest.
Maybe his warmth was one of empathy -- he certainly had to deal with the
same theological questions I was struggling with.  It's interesting to note
that he, and indirectly I, owe the answer to a Luther minister/friend of
his.  The answer is simple: Christ came to forgive sins.  IF the failure of
one's marriage is a result of sin (another discussion, another time),
Christ's forgiveness is there for the asking.

Marty, your dissertation of the marriage laws was eloquent, but is there a
possibility (sorry--I'm being facetious) that the law has grown to stand in
the way of love?

One last request:  JJ, hold your comments for now, please?  I heard from
all the law-and-order people I wanted to hear from before deciding to
leave.  I know the law, I know the price I have to pay and I knew it before
asking for the divorce.  Just don't rub salt in the wounds, okay?

Colleen

***********************************

Colleen, you didn't exactly ask my opinions, but you did say you wanted
feedback, and I thought there are a couple of things that ought to be
clarified.

First, divorce, per se, isn't a sin; and most emphatically isn't an
unforgiveable sin.  You're divorced -- but that fact can't and doesn't
excommunicate you.  Divorce certainly often involves various sins, but
there are situations in which it is not only lawful, but a positive
duty.  To attempt remarriage while your husband is alive would be
adulterous, and gravely sinful -- but you haven't done that!

Secondly, you should know that your honesty, your refusal to lie in
order to obtain a judicial "annulment" is absolutely praiseworthy.  The
whole Church would be far healthier if more people had your courage.

I see only one possible reason for which a moral theologian might
caution you against receiving Communion -- serious unrepented sin.

For instance, it's conceivable that your divorce involved some
serious sin on your part of which you have not repented (which might
or might not have included an unwillingness to "work things out", but
with your "ex" remarried you don't have any choices along those lines
now, if you ever did).  Or your intention to remarry someday might be
construed as a fault of faith, a refusal to believe or to be bound
by Catholic doctrine; but that would depend on just how firm an
intention it is.  (If you really and actually are planning to commit
a grave sin, that planning is a sin now, today.)  Or -- you know your
heart far better than I can -- maybe there's another problem somewhere.

What I'm saying is that you're exactly right when you say
> The answer is simple: Christ came to forgive sins.  IF the failure of
> one's marriage is a result of sin (another discussion, another time),
> Christ's forgiveness is there for the asking.

In any case, your divorce is not considered by either the Roman or
the Anglican church as an automatically excommunicating offense; and
since events have made a reconciliation with your husband virtually
impossible even if you wanted it, reconciliation is a moot point.
Please, for your heart's peace and for all the Church's good, find a
good priest and explain the situation.  Confession shouldn't be the
least bit impossible in your position, and you needn't feel shut away
from Communion.

Be assured, you're in my prayers.

-- Fr. John
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