From: sharon@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Sharon Curtis)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: (LONG) Re: Living alone and liking it
Date: 25 Jan 93 16:58:42 GMT
Organization: Oxford University Computing Laboratory, UK
Originator: sharon@client21.comlab

>In article whatever, lizb@banyan.com writes:
>For the benefit of a friend of mine, I'm trying to come up with a list
>of the positive aspects of living alone. 

I consider myself as living alone at the moment (I live in a house
with 23 others and we have separate rooms but we share kitchen and
bathroom facilities).

I find many many advantages, many of which have been mentioned.

There are all the practical advantages which many people mentioned,
like as Marcia said, you know *precisely* what food you have
(few things as annoying as getting halfway through a recipe and
then finding someone has snaffled the vital ingredient). You have
your own space, which precisely *you* can decide how it's used.
This also applies to time. Everything is *yours*. Sure, more
responsiblity, but for me this is bliss. I've not lived with
someone, but on the few occasions I've had boyfriends staying
with me invariably one or more ofthe following happens:
(1) The formerly tidy room is now a disaster area
(2) More washing up for me (yes, me) to do
(3) My plants are knocked over or otherwise damaged
(note the case of one boyfriend who picked up an African violet
leaf which had been reposing with its cut end in the water and
just dunked its other end in the water (African violets *hate*
water on their leaves))
(4) Food disappears
(5) I don't get to watch what I want to watch on TV
Also, just from the other people who share the same building,
I hate it when people don't clean up after them properly, whether
it be in the kitchen or bathroom.

I find I have been left with a slightly sour taste from
my various relationships. In each of them, I've always felt that
compared to being single, when I put no effort into a relationship
and get no rewards from the relationship, being in a relationship
I always seem to be getting less out of the relationship that
I put into it.  (This isn't to say that they weren't putting any
effort in, only that what I was getting out of it wasn't very much.)
However, in my opinion, most of my ex-boyfriends did put a lot less
effort into the relationship than I did.

At the moment, I am feeling great about living alone. If *I*
put a little effort into caring for myself, *I* get the benefits!
No more putting lots of effort into cooked meals for boyfriends
and getting little or no appreciation. I can decide when and how
I want to do things, without having to worry about another.

Just at the moment, I don't understand why people want "another
half".....cos they are lonely? Well sure, that is reasonable.
Me I have lots of lovely friends, and I'm not lonely.

Cos they want to fulfil sexual needs? Well sure, having someone
else to cuddle up to is nice, but to me sexual needs are not
nearly as important as the emotional side of things.

Also, from my experience (note, from my experience, I'm not
generalising to the whole world) a lot of men are too good at
being either inconsiderate or thoughtless or both. Lack of
romance is also common.
Not that I buy flowers for people particularly often, but the
number of times I have bought flowers for my man-of-the-moment
far outweighs the ones I have received.
At the moment I just hate the thought of putting myself out
for this man who is a combination of inconsiderate/thoughtless/
unromantic, and not getting the enjoyment back in return.

Maybe some other woman out there has solved this problem.
When you are in a relationship, how do you make sure you are
getting a reasonable amount out of the relationship?
Lots of guys are very happy to let me do things for them,
which at the time I *want* to do cos I love them and want to
make the relationship work and make them happy....and gradually
I realise that well, maybe I'm doing rather a lot of the work
here and this is getting annoying - e.g. when I've asked him
if he would like a back massage, why doesn't he ask me if I
would like one too afterwards?
I mean, what does one do? Dump the guy and hope for a better
one who is thoughtful and considerate and romantic? I don't
think I have much chance of that - of all the men I've known
well enough to judge whether they have those qualities,
I can only think of two who I would say have.
Or do I try to (subtly - I know men hate nagging) encourage them
to put in a bit more effort? (I did wonders with one of them;
I got his flat cleaned up to the extent that I could walk
upstairs without tripping over something, and got his view
about cooking/washing up (that I should cook, wash up the cooking
things and then he do just the washing up of the plates we used
to eat on) to alternating the cooking night by night.)
I'm not so naive that I should magically just expect a man
to change his spots, or expect that marriage will change them.


Also, I hope I'm not too cynical, in that I am sure somewhere
out there (where I have no idea) are some men who are
considerate and all that jazz, but at the moment, I don't want a
man.

Ok, I may not have the ups and downs, soppiness and heartbreak,
ecstatic and depressive moods, highly positive and very negative
things that go with relationships, but at least I'm in a 
better steady positive state than I have ever been in before.
Better on my bank balance, on my self-esteem, on everything,
really!

I am happy to have many good friends, of both sexes, including
some past boyfriends, and I'm very happy to have such good
friends.

Long live friends!!


Sharon

(Coo this has been a long post. Beg pardon)