From: jlane@Ingres.COM (Judi Lane)
Subject: Re: Distress call
Reply-To: jlane@Ingres.COM (Judi Lane)
Organization: Ask Computer Systems Inc., Ingres Division, Alameda CA 94501
Date: 10 Sep 92 14:54:22 GMT

In article <1992Sep10.034923.18167@wam.umd.edu> marie@next07cville.wam.umd.edu (Alpha Phi Omega) writes:

>Hwy says in his post:
>
>If you love someone, then set them free.  That's hard, but if you  
>stop being selfish, it'll be easier.  (Thank you Cyndy!  I finally  
>get to apply the lessons I learned.)
>
>that's exactly what he did, and I'm thankful for it. 


	Usually I don't speak out on this level regarding my personal life,
	but I feel like I can relate to this story, so I thought I'd share
	something that's happened to me in a similar vein:
	
	Many years ago, I married at a very young age, even though I was
	fairly clueless about who I was or what I wanted.  And looking back,
	I now realize that getting married was my solution to not having to
	deal with my miserable life.  I didn't really "love" Judi, and I
	expected my husband to give me that love I needed to give myself,
	and to be "everything" for me -- be my lover, my provider, my
	entire social life -- everything.  Well, needless to say, our
	marriage had a lot of weaknesses, and after 7.5 years, it ended.
	Why?  Because I started loving myself, discovering who I was, what
	I wanted to do with my life, making friends... in other words, I
	started to "grow up."  And I painfully realized that to be the
	person I had to be, I had to leave and go out on my own.  He didn't
	understand that.  And I think in some ways, he still doesn't.  All
	he could see and feel at the time was how much he was hurting
	because I was leaving.  He couldn't see how much I was hurting and
	how painful it was for me to go.  It was soooo painful, this
	"growing up" I was doing, I spent five weeks in a mental hospital
	a few months after I left, in order to deal with some childhood
	problems that interferred with my ability to love myself or anyone
	else, like my husband.  It's been a very hard, slow process, but
	it's been worth every single sleepless night, anxiety attack, even
	the two suicide attempts I've experienced through my years of
	therapy, group work, etc.  I now have a life I'm proud of, friends 
	I dearly love, times of solitude that renew my spirit, and memories
	that are beautiful to relive in my mind... they aren't all bad
	dark nightmares, as they once were.  And regarding my ex-husband,
	I have always felt incredibly guilty for leaving, even though I
	knew that to stay with him with all of the changes that were
	happening in me would be a lie.  A lie to him and a lie to me.  I
	could no longer give him the type of relationship he wanted with
	me, as he could longer give me the type of relationship I was
	needing and wanting.  So... he set me free.  He let me go, as
	painful as it was.  
	
	And the bright side to all of this?  Hwy, we're friends now.
	True, we haven't always been, but we have a better relationship
	now than we've ever had, because I can enjoy him for who he is,
	not whom I want him to be.  We still care for and about each
	other very much; I'll even go as far as saying we love each other. 
	But... we don't have the type of love needed to make something
	like marriage work.  I don't think I'll ever marry again, but
	that's OK, because that's what works best for me.  For him, he
	wants to be married again and raise a family.  And he wants this
	very very much, so much it hurts.  I wish I could wave a magic
	wand and give it to him, but unfortunately, it doesn't work that
	way.  And as much as I would love to be with him again, I know
	that I can't be with him the way that *I* want to be with him,
	so I've set him free to find the woman who will live with him
	that way and raise a family with him.

	Hwy, I just wanted to say that I've seen times in my life, and
	not that long ago, when I thought that I would never love again,
	or that I could have even truly good friendships like the one
	I have with my ex.  But the fact that you cared enough to set
	her free to be the person she has to be shows what a great
	capacity for love you have, which you gotta have in order to
	to be in the relationship you're wanting so much.

	So, Hwy... here are my "words-o-wisdom," for whatever they're
	worth:  you will find love again, just as I will and my ex.
	Love attracts love... be with yourself first, treasure your
	friends, and someday, that one "special" friend will be more
	for you, and all of the loneliness and emptyness that you'll
	feel in-between those special times will make you stronger
	and a better person for her to be with and enjoy, once you
	find each other.  You will love again, Hwy.  And it will be
	even better than before.  8^)

	peace and love to all my new ARC friends,

	Judi

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