From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: A thought
Date: 2 Oct 92 18:26:58 GMT
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division, Intel Corp.

In article <92275.205625PXF3@psuvm.psu.edu> <PXF3@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>I haven't been around much for the last couple of months, but just thought
>I'd check in.  I have a thought about why some of us seem to dwell on things
>in the past.  It's the denial of others that causes this.  For example, when
>someone dies, you feel grief and a lot of pain if you cared for that person.
>And most compassionate people respect your pain and you gradually get
>through it.  But what if someone you loved died and most of the people
>around you told you (while you were grieving) that your grief was not a good
>thing and you should forget the person who had died and just get on with
>your life and stop dwelling in the past.

Hi!  I had to comment on this part, because my father (the main perp) is
British, and from my experience with the culture this attitude is the norm.
One story I read (or heard) was about an English girl whose mother died.  Her
Aunt said to her 'now be a good girl and don't cry.  Go to your room and
play...'
This dismissal of pain, followed by abandonment is what I grew up with my
whole life.  It still hurts :-(

>
>Or (and this is common) did you ever see a little kid fall down and skin her
>knee and then her mom, instead of comforting her, tries to convince her that
>it's nothing and doesn't really hurt.  Of course the kid will cry even
>harder cause it does hurt and she knows it.
>
>Now take the abuse we're all trying to grow beyond.  If people we care about
>(friends, family, SOs, whatever) deny our pain, surely it prolongs the grief
>process because then we feel so alone.
>

I want to comment (and solicit comments) about *why* these people need to deny
another's pain.  I think that when someone whose had stuffed there pain (or
feelings for that matter) for a long time sees someone else in pain, they 
get triggered, they recognize their own pain subconciously.  I'd really
like to hear from someone else who has grappled with this particular 'why.'

>The two people who make me feel best about all this are my hubby, who took a
>course in recognizing symptoms of sexual abuse for work (teacher) and
>recognized me before I recognized myself.  He never pushed, but when I
>started recalling stuff when my dughter was born (I think I instinctively
>wanted to remember so I'd protect her) he was very supportive and never once
>denied my pain.  That made it a lot easier to get it out and deal with it.
>
>The other person who makes me feel terrific is my daughter.  She brings so
>much joy into the present that I can finally give up the past.
>
>My parents, however, are stuck in denial and it still hurts (a lot) to be
>around them, so I avoid them.
>
>Somehow it all works pretty well.  I still have some pain, but in all I'm
>happier than I ever thought I'd ever be.  It's possible to outgrow the
>painful childhood.  Just make sure you don't believe the people who want to
>deny your pain _for_ you.  They're not doing you a favor.
>
>Take care everyone.  E-hugs if you want them.
>
>Paula


Thanks, hugs badly needed...
-- 
_____________________________________________________________________________
Peter Warton  (the h was dropped    | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago) 		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery