From: muffy@mica.berkeley.EDU (Muffy Barkocy)
Subject: marriage/parental role models (was Re: social activism)
Newsgroups: soc.feminism
Organization: Natural Language Incorporated
Date: 27 Sep 92 20:40:11 GMT
	<19vbk7INN58i@agate.berkeley.edu>

In article <19vbk7INN58i@agate.berkeley.edu> beaver@castor.cs.psu.edu (Don Beaver) writes:
>In article <1686CCB99.LMEANS@cmsa.gmr.com> uunet!heifetz!rphroy!cmsa.gmr.com!LMEANS@ncar.ucar.EDU writes:
>>[...] By serving as a
>>role model however, you can demonstrate the soundness of your
>>philosophy without explicitly saying a word.
>>
>>This approach is particularly effective (essential, probably) with
>>children, who are perhaps the most important subset of people to
>>get your message across to, as they are likely to be more openminded
>>and philosophically malleable than adults.  Even with adults, I find
>>it effective.

>This is a big reason why the 90% imbalance in child custody awards
>frightens me.  It means that children and adults will not see male
>parental role models, and they will continue to believe that children
>belong with women.

Would it be better for them to lack a female parental role model?  I
will assume that you would agree that they should have both, if they
have either, for the rest of this post.

>Even worse, a man who *wants* to practice such "passive activism"
>and take care of his children is denied the opportunity.

Actually, that does not seem to be the case, since fathers who dispute
custody often get it.  However, I do not think that disputing custody
is a great answer, since it is often very vicious and traumatic for
the children.

>The end result -- and this is like the draft issue, but perhaps more
>significant for all of us -- is that people will continue to believe
>that the natural place for women is with children (and vice versa).

What about the couples who stay together?  The ever-popular
"traditional family" where the man goes out and works and the woman
stays home and takes care of the children (or works and then comes
home and takes care of the children)?  What sort of role models are
*their* children seeing?  The problem is *NOT* just divorce/custody.

>Perhaps one way for feminists to fight against societal attitudes
>that women belong at home is to fight against the imbalances in the
>court system?  In order to permit "do as I do, not as I say" activism
>to create a nonsexist society.

We could fight against these imbalances for years, but that would not
solve the problem (especially since the role models causing the
problem are not only divorced couples).  The problem is in the current
popular view of marriage and families.  Adults who choose to produce
children should make a commitment to those children, distinct from any
commitment to a partner.  The people who want to work should be able
to work, the people who want to take care of the children should do
so, regardless of their gender.  Of course, it may be finanically
necessary for all the adults to work, especially if there are only two
of them.  One thing that would improve this situation is to have
multiple-adult families.  This would also take some of the stress off
each adult, as there are more to share the work.  In addition, such
groups would not be limited by how long the adults involved were "in
love with" each other.  Romantic partners could split up, but they
would still have the same responsibility for the children.

*That* would be a good set of role models for children.  People who
honor their commitments, acknowledge their responsibilities, *want* to
be with the children, enjoy their work, etc.

"Balancing" the court cases would simply give us some children with
only a male parent and some children with only a female parent.  What
good would that really do?

Muffy
--

Muffy Barkocy                               muffy@mica.berkeley.edu
~Little round planet/in a big universe/sometimes it looks blessed/
 sometimes it looks cursed/Depends on what you look at, obviously/
 But even more it depends on the way that you see~ - Bruce Cockburn


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