From: aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat)
Subject: Bragging about my SO
Organization: Software Engineering Institute
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 18:35:41 GMT

Thank you, everyone, for letting me know I'm heard. They're doing something
to my system and I should be back to normal this afternoon. (Lordy, that does
sound personal!) :)

Well, like the subject says, I'm going to brag about my SO, but only so I 
can explain this thing I think is pretty awful, so here's a
*****SPOILER***** warning for anyone who doesn't feel like reading the 
ensuing novel.

I finally have an amazing man. I, like most of us, didn't believe
that there were any decent men out there. And more importantly, I didn't think
there was one who could understand me or tolerate my bullshit. But I found
one. Or he found me. I can't take any credit because I'm not sure I could 
have told the difference between a good man and a bad man. My choices were
improving, but this is too good to be true. Which is, of course, Problem 1.
Why the hell is this wonderful guy with me? And how soon will he get wise and
run away? But that's only a small part of me. I'm mostly psyched this is
happening. He's awesome. He listens to me. He's not afraid to say what he  
feels for me. He makes a concerted effort to learn about what's going on. He
thinks about me. I can't believe it's happening. So this is great. But I've
also discovered that feeling secure in things like this makes my subconscious
say, "Hey, great, then she can handle a host of hefty little flashbacks."

I had an SO once who was an asshole. I felt good about me, but I didn't think
I'd be able to handle the shit from the past (which was clearly closing in) if
I felt good. I thought the only way I'd let myself cry was if I believed I was
an asshole. So I'd wake up in the morning feeling good, turn over, see him
there, and feel like shit again. And the memories came, so I thought it
worked.
Thank God I got smarter. Or maybe I just thought I'd remembered it all. And
even though the nightmares didn't stop, I thought it was over.

And now I've got this awesome man, and the better it gets, the worse my
private hell becomes. Yes, he knows about it, and he tries to understand the
hell. But I can't always explain, and I can't share the pain and anguish. 
When a memory hits, I'm still kind of alone. Much as people may want, they
can't be everything to each other. 

*********Here it comes*************A week and a half ago I remembered that
I was forced to perform oral sex on my mother. She seemed to enjoy it. My
stepfather stood there and I knew if I stopped, he'd hurt me. Before, I
remembered my stepfather raping me. I figured my mother was in a drunken
stupor downstairs, which she probably was. But now she's also elemental in the
whole damn thing. I always said, "I used to do everything I could to please my
mother." I never realized how sickeningly true it was. And when I remembered
that, I realized that my mind has been doing an awful, horrible thing. And
though I could forgive the abused child, I've had a hard time dealing with
this. What has my mind been doing? I've imagined the satisfaction of being in
my mother's position. I thought, "Well someone's enjoying this. Wish I was."
And since I blocked it out, it got translated into my adult mind as this 
hellish idea that I had to be forced to like sex. I don't think I understood
that "force" and "liking sex" can't really be used in the same sentence. I 
guess that doesn't sound so awful, but that's because I know, but can't
explain how I know, that that is how the abused becomes the abuser. There was
(and WAS is the word, thank God, I couldn't write this - I couldn't LIVE - if
I didn't think it was gone) ...There was a connection between what I believed
and what they did to me. I could never imagine hurting a child. Or forcing
anyone to do something to me. But there WAS a connection, GODDAMNIT!!!!
I can't believe what they've done to me. Thank God I can undo it. I
have to be brutally honest with myself, but I'm sort of masochistic in the
way I handle these things. Does anyone understand this?
**OK, we're done with the spoiler**

Anyway, when these thoughts surfaced and I recognized them and realized they
were leaving, I realized I could BE with my SO when I was with my SO. I 
didn't have to send my mind somewhere else in order to enjoy it. In fact, the
only way I can enjoy it is by staying with him and being really happy I can
be. I cried the other night it was so amazing. 

I talk to him about you guys and what's posted and what I write. He wants to
start reading this bboard. I told him, fine, because I know I don't generally
Go Off but here I have and this will probably be the first post he reads and
it's all about him. 
This really can't be easy for the SOs out there. But I
think I speak for the rest of us when I say THANK YOU!!..and, of course,
sorry...

If anyone can or wants to rap on related topics, I think it might do me good.
Let me know.

Thanks.
-Anne
 aw@sei.cmu.edu

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery