From: aberno@godel.questor.wimsey.bc.ca (Anthony Berno)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Approaching strangers
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1993 19:04:27 GMT
Reply-To: aberno@godel.questor.wimsey.bc.ca

In article <1993Jan12.005413.25057@fuug.fi> an4782@anon.penet.fi writes:

>  So what do other motss'ers think?  How do you get
>  acquainted with a mysterious but very attractive stranger?

Read on.

>  So: what do I do?... - just say, "Can I ask a personal
>  question; are you gay?"

****>>>> NO! <<<<<******

This gets the point across, but is viewed as offensive by some po' strayt  
boys who would be terribly traumatized by having someone think they are  
gay. Besides, it's NOT suave to ask personal questions of strangers.

>  An alternative tactic is not to take the drastic step of
>  asking him point- blank but to just keep looking at him
>  if we continue to bump into each other, maybe smile a
>  lot at him as well and hope he gets the picture.

Ugh. Pathetic. Potentially more annoying than the above. No good reason  
for this but cowardiance. If he's gay, you might do this for two years and  
get nowhere. If he's straight, he'll just get annoyed. If he's gay, he  
might be annoyed anyway; I know I would. There is the possibility that he  
is a straight or gay exhibitionist, and if you get off on just looking at  
him, fine. But don't go this route unless you just *love* frustration.

What I suggest is engaging him on some other "smalltalk" topic. (No, I  
don't mean you should talk to him about object-oriented programming, not  
on the first date, anyway.) If he seems amenable, and you see him  
regularly, you might make some offhand comment about how good looking he  
is - but do it in a friendly way, not sounding desperate. Take it from  
there.

The trick is to have class. Class means being comfortable and confident in  
yourself, and making others feel the same way. Desperate, lustful longing  
is not classy. A positive admiration for his physique is. However you  
feel, it's going to show.

>  Furthermore I get the impression it's not just me peering
>  at him, I sometimes think he is stealing glances at me
>  although our eyes seldom meet.

In other words, he's straight. :-)


I'm trying to get at something that I'm not expressing very well. Let me  
try again from the top.

Making some gross generalizations, there are two very different ways of  
dealing with other men in a sexual way, be they friends or strangers.

One way is to *want* them in a drooling, lustful, desperate way. This  
approach objectifies the other man, shows no regard for his desires or  
interests, and is generally annoying to him. It's a "me, me, me" kind of  
thing, driven by envy and need. Unfortunately, this is a very major mode  
of interaction, and is presented by the media as a standard way to behave.

The other way is to be frank but cultured in your approach. Sexual  
attraction is related as honestly as possible given the social background  
of the man of interest; i.e. you don't tread on the delicate machismo of  
the Great Strayt Male. (Half-sarcasm there.) Games of innuendo and sexual  
suspense are *games*, not a fundamental mode of interaction. There is an  
understanding that any sexual attraction must be mutual to be worth  
pursuing. The interests of the other party are as important as your own.  
You feel confident, and rejection is not taken as anything but bad luck.  
Whether it works or not, you both feel good about what has been said and  
done.

This latter mode of interaction is *very difficult* to cultivate. However,  
the rewards are incredibly worthwhile. Desperation, longing, loneliess -  
these plagues of the gay man are all things we construct ourselves, and  
they can be unconstructed with enough effort.

Now, does that answer the question?

-Anthony

Newsgroups: soc.motss