Newsgroups: misc.kids
Date: Mon,  9 Nov 1992 15:40:40 -0500 
From: Judi Mancuso <jm5p+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Explaining death to children.
	<1992Nov2.212919.6067@carlyle.com>

> 
>I've been reading this thread for a while and have
>not seen any discussion about explaining the death
>of a parent to a child.  The situation that I'm in
>is that my girl friend is dying of kidney failure
>related to diabetes and she has a 3 1/2 year old and
>a 9 year old.  Any suggestions as to how to explain
>this to them, both prior to her death (they both
>know that she is dying) and after?

Bob--My many sympathies to you and your girl friend's children.  Earlier
in this thread, I discussed explaining death to children from a child's
point of view.  My sisters and I were very young when our mother died of
cancer--after a long, painful illness.  It was a very lengthy
post--maybe you can find it somewhere on the net.  You say that the
children are aware that she is dying.  This is the first step--the most
important step.  Please try and find my post--I wish I saved it but as
with most things---I did not do what I should have done.  It is not that
my words were so wonderful or eloquent but I think they may help.  If
you can't find it, I will be more than glad to try and reconstruct my
points.  
In the meantime, Bob, these children do have a wonderful gift in having
someone who is as concerned as you.
One of the things I always like to stress to people (sick or healthy) is
that you must make your children aware that not only mommy or not only
daddy can "take care" of them.  For instance, I make a special effort to
be sure that our kids see Daddy make them lunch, pack their backpacks,
etc.....and we try and prove that Mommy can make a living and fix a
broken toy, etc. They spend time with my sisters and we are not afraid
to use babysitters.  Because children will worry about these things---in
fact, I remember being told that my mother was dead, this awful feeling
came over me as I looked at my father (who was crying and sitting in a
chair on the other side of my aunt's living room) and thinking "he can't
take care of me". Also, upon learning that my mom had died, I was
extremely worried about her body.  I kept saying "but where is my mom?" 
And people would say, "She is with God," or any other similiar answer. 
I was so frustrated, I wanted to know where my MOM was---not her soul,
not her spirit,--where was the face I loved?  where where the hands that
I held?  where were the arms that cradled me?--where was my MOM?????????
 The funeral home was this huge comfort, I finally got to see my mom. 
You see, no one ever said to me "she will die"---I suppose that's tough
to say to a little girl.  Plus, I never really had the oportunity to
feel death--although both of my grandmothers had died, I was always sent
off to a neighbor's or my parents cried behind closed doors--- it was
something that I never saw or felt.  So, you can imagine how having my
mom die was so intense (and it would be for any child, I know).  I can
think back now to those terrible months that led up to her death and not
recall that I felt pain then.  You see, my aunts, cousins, neighbors,
friends and everyone else that knew the situation, entertained us and we
actually had fun.  We were invited to movies, drive-ins, restaurants,
people's homes, parks.  We were exempt from homework, staying after
school.  I had missed a test and did not have to make it up. Bless them
all for doing what they felt was right---helping us deny things by
keeping us so occupied or by giving us so much fun or by excusing
"normal" things---making it seem as though it was sort of a priviledge
to have a sick mom.  And, of course, these things went on for about 3
months past her death---then we had to "go home".  It was awful--where
were all those people?  Where were they---well, their lives had to go
back to normal--and guess what--normal did not include squiring 3 little
girls around and cooking for them and thinking up fun activities for
them.  Since I was in school, it meant that teachers began treating me
like everyone else---my "sick mom or recently dead mom" excuses were 
pretty old. 
I have no real "advice" for you Bob.  I think that in reading what I
have said,it may help you to decide what you must do.  What I will tell
you is this---now that 20 some years have passed, there are certain
things I wish I had.  So, if I have any advice for you---it is this--be
sure your girlfriend leaves pieces of herself for her children. It can
be anything.  I keep a journal or "letters to my son, letters to my
daughter" that I write to each of them in a nice book---I wrote on the
day they were born, their first Christmas, Easter, when they walked,
sometimes I pick topics--I give my views, my thoughts--it is sort of a
casual thing.  I get lost in my letters sometimes--sometimes they are
short--sometims funny--sometimes sad.  I may tell about childhood
friends I had--my college roomie, how I met their dad, etc.  There were
several times in my life---when I got engaged, on my wedding day, when
my son was born, when my duaghter was born, when I needed advice on
cooking, diaper rash--that I wish I had my mom---but you know, she is
always so PERFECT in my mind--I can only imagine what her view might be,
what she might do, how she might think--because I never knew her as a
person when I was of an age where I could get to truly know another
human being.  Now, I do not write these letters because I have this fear
that I might die soon and my children will never know me (although my
youngest sister suffered from this right after her daughter was
born--she always feared she would die while she was home alone with the
baby and the baby would get hurt or something...it was pretty severe). 
Even if I live to be 107--and hopefully not outlive my children--I think
it will be a wonderful keepsake for them.  And, not because I am such a
great human being or mother but because I am a part of them--and they a
part of me.
Whatever you do or however you prepare them---her death will be
something that impacts their lives tremendously and forever.  That is a
fact of life.  The 9 year old and the 3 year old will have different
needs.  In fact, the 3 year old will probably have very few memories of
his/her mom.  My youngest sister says she does not remember our mother
at all---only from pictures, stories.  However, my mother's face, her
perfume, her voice has stayed with me and I see her and hear her every
day of my life.  I hold that dear and  I know that my sister feels
cheated.  My other sister can't remember if she remembers her or knows
the stories so well that she is remembering them.  
Dealing with a parent's death is different for each child.  One of my
big problems was that I had never been to a funeral home.  I had these
ridiculous ideas of what went on there.  Even though the place ended us
being a comfort to me, I was just crazed over the idea of going there. 
TV and childhood stories does nothing except make death ugly or scarey. 
But, you may need to remember that kids will deal with the "here and
now" as I did with the funeral home, with her body, and all that.  They
aren't contemplating---fully---what their life (in the long term sense)
will be like without their mom.  It is so awfully scarey to imagine that
she won't be there---EVER.  
Also, professional help will be of great assistance.  We never got it. 
My sister ended up there 4 years ago after dealing with her fear of
dying became so dibiliating that it crippled her.  Of course, I have
some real problems with certain things that I can directly attribute to
my mother's death but I may have had these things anyway, I do not know.
 

What else can I tell you, Bob--except be there--and please do not hold
back on your feelings of loss or sadness--now or later.  My father was
so devastated that he became a zombie (another longer story of how he
dealt with it if anyone ever mentions that on the net).  Also, be honest
with these kids.  
I hadn't planned on going on this long but I do get carried away on the
subject.  If I can answer any of your questions---I am NO expert but I,
like many others, have been there.  All the best, Judi.    
   

Newsgroups: misc.kids