From: el27166@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (This Space for Rent)
Subject: How to watch FCC's Dracula!
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 01:05:15 GMT


How to enjoy Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

*** SPOILERS BELOW ***


Although many agree that FCC's adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula
is lacking, at best, it is not entirely without merit.  Before we
may enjoy the true art of this movie, we must understand what this
movie is NOT to be enjoyed for.

I) Horror movie:  As a horror movie, FCC's Dracula is awful.  Simply,
it's not scary.  Dracula wasn't evil, wasn't nasty, wasn't devilish,
wasn't dastardly.  He was a hopeless romantic, straight out of a
trashy romance novel.  Although that CAN be scary, that effect isn't
exploited in this movie.  If the villain isn't really the villain
in a horror story how can he be frightening?  Let's examine each of
Dracula's incarnations:

1) Vlad in Arnold Schwartzenegger Body Armor:  Definitely not scary.
   Much scarier scenes in _Excalibur_.
2) Dracula wearing a bra-on-top-of-my-head hairstyle:  Licking the
   razor comes cloes, but all that silly shadow stuff detracts from
   anything that acting may have salvaged.
3) Dracula as horny wolf:  Not very scary.  No suspense.  Goes in
   kills a few, rapes a few.  Seeing it from the wolf's point of
   view CAN add the horror, but the violence is so campy that the
   effect simply detracts from the suspense we normally get by
   following the victim's perspective.
4) Dracula as mist:  Too blatant to be scary.  Green mist oozing
   into the room is not scary.  The idea that you are being watched
   by someTHING in the room is scary.  _Psycho_ did a great job of
   being scary, WITHOUT glowing green mist.
5) Dracula as bat:  Reminded me of _Gargoyles_.  So he knocks a few
   guys around the room.  Is that scary?  Nope.
6) Dracula as a bunch of rats:  Flee flee run away!  Cowards are not
   scary.
7) The ol' can't see 'im in the mirror trick:  Now he's here, now
   he's not!  Is Doug Henning scary?  Yes.  But Dracula isn't.

We definitely see the movie's failure from a horror perpective.

II) Tragic Romance:  A dark tragic romance?  That sounds great, huh?
Too bad it's not Dracula.  It's dark, certainly.  It might even be
tragic if we cared one iota about the characters.  As a romance, the
"unearthly love" between Mina and Dracula was not tangible for me.
The basic FCC plot for a tragic romance is older than Dracula himself.
Romeo and Juliet at least had us caring about the characters, and that
was done without glowing green mist AND without fiery blue rings of
infernal hell.  Of course before Romeo and Juliet we had Pyramus and
Thisbe.  This formula is old, and definitely not improved by FCC.

III) The "Erotic Dream":  Hey, I wouldn't mind an erotic dream or
two involving Winona Ryder.  Others could say the same for Keanu
Reeves.  As an erotic dream, this movie is severely lacking.  Lucy
had an erotic sequence or two by herself, but it was nothing which
was particularly risque.  Jonathan Harker and the misty babes were
amusing, but he looked like he was enjoying it more than he should
have.  It should be horrifying, especially in the Victorian setting.
Winona Ryder was notably unerotic IMO.  I absolutely adore her in
everything else she's done (except perhaps _Edward Scissorhands_
in which, I'm sad to say, Johnny Depp stole the show).  And I know
she can do an erotic scene (top of the tower in Mermaids), but she
just didn't have it in this one.  Too bad, she was the last hope
of salvaging the movie as an "erotic dream" as Coppola was fond of
calling it.

Who are the people who are saying that this movie is "erotic" and
"controversial"?  They should get out more.  They must be the same
people who hyped Madonna's book with the same words.

IV) Psychological Thriller:  _Halloween_ was the best of this genre.
An obsessive lunatic with supernatural powers stalking an unsuspecting
young girl can be frightening.  Unfortunately, the sense of real
danger is taken away, "defanged" if you will, by Dracula's love for
his wife's reincarnation, Mina.  He would never harm her.  Only part
which could resemble a psychological thriller was when he attacked
Lucy for the third time.  And again, I emphasize how the perspective
of the attack from victim to assailant "defanged" the horror aspect.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, now that we have all the bad aspects of the movie out of the
way, we can concentrate on the good.  Or at least, the parts which
are not quite so bad.  Here are a few things you should be glad that
it's not:

1) Dracula the Terrorist Movie:  Dracula hijacks building, plane, airport,
submarine, Yugo, whatever and Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis rescue the
day single-handedly.  Yay.

2) Dracula the Yuppie Thriller Movie:  Newlywed Yuppie couple befriend
and entrust their child/emotions/house/love affair to Dracula, the
seemingly nice neighbor/lover/babysitter.  Dracula betrays that trust
and angers Yuppie couple.  Yuppie couple takes revenge personally on
Dracula (Yuppie vigilantism is SOOO passe!).

3) Dracula --- 1492:  Christopher Columbus really WAS evil!  He was
Dracula!  The white men really WERE pale faced--- because they were
undead!

4) Dracula --- the Slain 60's Hero:  It was a conspiracy to kill
Dracula.  (See JFK, Doors, Malcolm X, Hoffa)

5) Home Alone 3 --- Lost in Transylvania:  'Nuff said.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I did promise you that I'd explain how you could possible 
enjoy such a dreary movie.  There is one possible genre in which
Dracula works as a movie.  Lemme see if I can break this gently.
Think of a famous bad horror movie with big name actors and actresses,
silly and stupid costumes, cheesy special effects, and pseudo-erotic
sex scenes.  Yes!  The Rocky Horror Picture Show!  I think Anthony
Hopkins had the right idea.  Von Helsing need not be this obsessive,
crazed scientist.  He's kooky, he's wacky.  He's funny!  Dracula works...
as a COMEDY!

I'm sure there are many great lines we could adlib into it.  I'll list
some of the sillier scenes with a few of my adlibs, but I'm sure you
folks out there can come up with MUCH better ones!

Keanu Reeves scene where the mist turns into real naked vampire babes:
"Excellent!"

Every subsequent Keanu Reeves scene flashback to the vampiress pit:
"Party on, dude!"

Scene where Dracula convinces Mina of his love while in a ring of candles:
"I'll be wrapped around your finger..."

Von Helsing burns Mina's head with a communion wafer:
"Alka Seltzer to the resss-CUE!"

Beginning scene when Dracula says, "True love!":
Start calling Dracula "Buttercup" (Princess Bride reference).

First scene with Lucy and her suitors:
"As you wish" (One of the suitors played Westley in Princess Bride).

Scene where Dracula kills "Westley":
"Ackk... truelove!"

Stormy scene in the maze-garden with Mina and Lucy and the shaking camera:
"Kepten, she can't take it no more!"  (Scotty accent)

Scene where Von Helsing sniffs at Mina:
"I myself, cannot smell your cunt, Clarise." (Silence of the Lambs)

Other Hannibal Lector/Von Helsing scenes:
Transition from Lucy's decapitated head to pot roast.
His "... but first let's eat.  I'm hungry." line.

Many Monty Python's Holy Grail Scenes:
Jonathan Harker at the nun church:
  "Left the grail shaped beacon on again?"
Dracula turns into rats and flees"
  "Flee flee run away!"
Beginning battle scene (the impaling):
  "It's only a flesh wound!"

Von Helsing watches as Mina casts fiery blue rings into the sky:
"Ooooo.  Ahhhh.  I love fireworks!"

Dramatic chase scene before Dracula's Tower:
Sunshine!  No Snowstorm!  No Sunshime!  No Snowstorm! ...

"Erotic" scene with Mina and Dracula:
"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."  (Heathers)

I can't think of anything good for all of those stupid shadow scenes.
Any good ideas?

Anyone else got some more?  This movie really is full of 'em.  I've
only listed a few.  I'm sure there are MANY more!  What a great movie,
huh?  I've got to see it again so I can make fun of it MORE!

Eu-Ming Lee
-- 
Eu-Ming Lee (aka CyberGeek)                      el27166@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Guys with long sigs are just trying to compensate for something...