From: mary@hal.COM (Mary Guan)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: The REAL Rules
Date: 20 Aug 92 01:49:05 GMT
Organization: HaL Computer Systems, Inc.
NNTP-Posting-Host: garfield.hal.com

In article <187qPB2w164w@cellar.org> kml@cellar.org (Lazlo Hoover Toth) writes:
>
>Contrary to the earlier posting, these are the REAL Rules, written by
>me yesterday.
>
>                          THE REAL RULES
>				 :
>				 :


Hi everybody,

We finally had someone to STAND up for men. But I guess his effort will be 
in vain since the truth is "MALE is like a tree and FEMALE is the typhoon to
bring it down".

"**" is FEMALE's statements.
">>>" is MALE's FALSE statments.
"M >>" stands for "My comment".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


**			  THE RULES
>>>                     THE REAL RULES
M >>   RULES R RULES. No such thing as REAL rules. That's some no-good
       MALE's saying just to try to distract everybody's attention.

** 1.  THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
>>>1.  THE MALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
M >>   A DUP. Simple term-replacing trick. Nothing new. *Sign* for MALE.

** 2.  The rules are subject to changes at any time without prior 
       notification.
>>>2.  Dammit, it is not cold in here.  It's warm.  Get a blanket.
M >>   We all know this guy WILL have a SERIOUS physical problem after
       he says something like that to a female. I think the ONLY creature
       in this world can accept these words and do that job will be a
       BULL-DOG.

** 3.  No male can possibly know all the rules.  Nearly all females are born 
       with this knowledge.
>>>3.  If you don't like it, that's not my problem.
M >>   Let's get this straight...if a female doesn't like it, that IS a male's
       problem since he did something WRONG and needs someone to give him a
       GOOD SPANKING. That's what ma-ma always says.

** 4.  If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may 
       immediately change some or all of the rules.
>>>4.  THE MAN IS NEVER WRONG
M >>   Look who's the president of the United States?!

** 5.  THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.
>>>5.  You got a problem with that?  I don't care.
M >>   No reasonable female would have any problem with an unreasonable male...
       If u cannot beat them, then kick them out of ur house.

** 6.  If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was 
       a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
>>>6.  If it appears that the man is wrong, it is always a direct result 
       of something the woman said or did wrong.
M >>   Another DUP. I believe it is usually male who is impulsive to do 
       something dangerous and think that's "COOOOOOOOL". Male's got
       the tendency to make the female worry about him and he doesn't
       god-damn care about that at all.

** 7.  If Rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing 
       the misunderstanding.
>>>7.  If Rule #6 applies, the female must apologize immediately for causing
       the misunderstanding and go get the man a beer and sit down, I can't
       see the game.
M >>   One of those Couch potatoes...imagine that poor female has to share the
       same bed with a grease-floating human-heat-blanket.

** 8.  THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
>>>8.  THE MAN IS NEVER LATE.
M >>   The man is never late ... he just doesn't show up.

** 9.  The male must never change his mind without the express written 
       consent of the female.
>>>9.  If he is late, it's because a certain person with very cold feet 
       kept him up all night by stealing the covers.
M >>   A contradict to rule #8. Plus I believe that's because he's having a 
       early-morning date with another person other than the one he shared
       the cover with last nite.

** 10.  THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
>>>10.  The female must limit her goodbyes to 30 minutes each, or 15 minutes
        each at a very large family gathering with people she sees every week.
M >>    How about limit football game and basketball game watching time to
        30 min?!

** 11.  The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him 
        to be angry or upset.
>>>11.  THE MAN BALANCES THE CHECKBOOK.
M >>    That's what I call "team work". If nobody tries to unbalance the
        checkbook, then there is no need to balance, which will cause
        credit card business bad and ruin US economy.

** 12.  The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or 
        not she wants him to be angry or upset.
>>>12.  The female must under no circumstances be allowed near all those
        numbers so as to eliminate confusion.
M >>    Oh. I see. Just another male saying "MALE is the BOSS" case. Well,
        every female knows how to satisfy a male's sense of importance
        and gets her things done secretly. "Wisdom, ur name is FEMALE." 

** 13.  ANY ATTEMPT TO CHANGE OR ALTER THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN SEVERE 
        BODILY HARM.
>>>13.  WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE LIKE THAT?  AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE TO USE
        THE REMOTE ALL THE TIME.  THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
M >>    Oops. Another after-drinking nonsense. Someone please clean the floor
        and bring some air-freshener.

>>>- Just so we get the rules straight.
M >>- Uh-Huh, got-ya... shopping will still happen every once in a while.
Xref: sparky rec.humor:26696 alt.politics.clinton:2469 talk.politics.guns:19794