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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Tue, 28 Jul 1992 01:03:00 EDT
From:         "push the button, frank!" <SWEDE@DRYCAS.BITNET>
Subject:      the Tall Guy ticket: czar-tain of victory

(The campaign heats up.  Negative advertising runs rampant.  Other letters,
like 'E' and 'J' jump into the race.  Shoes become a major issue, although,
strangely, happy points do not.  Jimbo proves too slippery for nomination,
and Gary steps up, while at a luncheon for Natural Rights Seafood Lovers,
to answer the latest round of ebullient epithets emerging from his
entrenched opponents...)

"Greetings, fellow Americans.  Hope you are enjoying your natural rights
seafood - I'm told it just washed up on the beach this morning.  Now my
exalted opponents have been quite active today, so if you'll please indulge
me, I'll replay their comments and reply to them as necessary.  First,
the commentary of Kerry StephensoN:"

>After carefully examining the statements made by our opposition, I would
>respectfully suggest that all candidates voluntarily submit to a battery
>of psychiatric tests, after which any candidate found to be totally
>deranged be asked to withdraw from the race.

"Earlier today, a load of oven ranges fell on me.  Fortunately, I escaped
injury, but it took several hours for me to be de-ranged.  If the KilburN/
StephensoN ticket needs a battery of tests to determine that all oven
ranges have been removed from my person, I do not believe we can trust their
observational powers in other matters."

>I would also like to remind the American people that the Kerry ticket is
>the only ticket that has offered any sensible issues for debate.  We stand
>ready to confront our opposition as soon as they can find something
>of substance that they are willing to talk about.

"You have talked about jobs, yet it is the JohnsoN/OlsoN ticket that has
already produced two, on the condition of being elected: that of logic
czar and that of history czar.  While this does, alone, represent an increase
in government, we intend to make up for it by cutting other government
positions, including drug czar, CIA czar, and defense czar.  Moreover, while
the czar positions will not be paid, they may use as much czar-casm as they
please in addressing the issues that face us all.

"The other half of the KilburN/StephensoN ticket, Kerry KilburN, had much
to say today.  To begin with..."

>Without
>our leadership, would any of the voters be aware that Mrs. Smith even
>existed?  Would they understand the difference between CAT scans and KAT
>scans?

"Given that our ticket was responsible for all of these, I would answer 'yes'
to all three.  Tim first mentioned Mrs. Smith (whom I did not have an affair
with), and I pointed out the difference between KAT and CAT scans."

>We *are* the next generation.

"Here the all-Kerry ticket's delusions of grandeur become painstakingly
apparant, by this enterprising attempt to convice us they are from the 24th
century.  Viewers who know the difference between television and reality
will not be fooled."

>We wish to ask our opponents about their ultimate purpose in restructuring
>the list bureaucracy.

"We wish to make it more aerodynamic."

>Inasmuch as our earlier response never mentioned Stimely or Denmark, we are
>left to wonder about the relevance of these remarks.

"Tim mentioned the Copenhagen interpretation in quantum physics.  You replied
that this clearly indicated a link with the snuff special interest group.
Since Copenhagen is the capital of Denmark, and Larry Stimely is an avowed
enemy of Denmark, to eschew the Copenhagen interpretation is to side with
the Stimleyists.  Alternatively, you could take Stockholm of your situation
and go to Helsinki."

>We deeply regret that our opponents have failed to appreciate our role in
>the current campaign.  Ready, willing, and able to turn our full attention
>to the issues, we eagerly await a real statement of our opponents' goals
>and objectives.

"While my esteemed running mate, Tim, may add to this list as he sees fit,
I'm presenting a list of goals and objectives now, so that they may make the
Kerry ticket's goals and objectives (jobs and painted houses) pale into
insignificance:

"10) The implementation of the Freeman Plan and the Feinstein Plan.
9) Introduction of happy points and sad points into the national economy.
8) The M00se Illuminati will replace the CIA, FBI, and other intelligence/
   coversion apparatusi with it's sleek, modern efficiency, replacing
   the tendency of those outdated agencies to overthrow foreign governments
   with the tendency to confuse them greatly.
7) Kegger!
6) Letting the other shoe drop.
5) Making 'libertarian capitalism' the official magical talisman phrase of
   the nation.
4) Give Newt Gingrich a funnier name.
3) Supporting family values by shipping Jesse Helms on a slow boat to Haiti.
2) Bill Saddam Hussein for Olympic Triplecast without letting him watch it.
and, the number one goal and objective...
1) Less talk, more rock!

"That should give our stochastic opposition something to chew on.  In the
meantime, Jenna asks the following:"

>before i go out and cast my hard-earned vote
>i would like to hear from the candidates
>where they stand on the shoe issue.

"Unlike our arch-foes, the SchledorN/KusmiN ticket and the KilburN/StephensoN
ticket, Tim and I are instep with the shoe demands of the citizens of this
country.  Rather than toe the line like the other candidates, we intend to put
our best foot forward and give bad times the boot.  It will be a time to heel.

"Once again, thank you, all, for supporting the JohnsoN/OlsoN ticket during
our march toward the White House.  With your supports, we cannot be
de-feet-ed."

(Amidst much applause, Gary bows and steps from the podium, amazed that he
did not make a single fish pun the entire time.  Divine intervention?  Find
out next time, gentle reader...)

Gary W. Olson, who denies     "Turn the tables with our unity,    -L7,
  ever having had an affair    they're not a moral nor majority.  "Pretend
  with Imelda Marcos           Wake up and smell the coffee,       We're
SWEDE@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU   or just say no to individualty."    Dead"
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU