From: motto@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (mary.rita.otto)
Subject: Re: New in Recovery, need words on relatioships
Organization: AT&T
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 17:15:25 GMT

In article <1992Dec16.192810.18999@athena.cs.uga.edu> heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) writes:
>
>	But now I find myself focusing on a particular someone with
>whom I could have a relationship, maybe even a good one. I want to do
>it, but at the same time I know that (With only 5 months under my
>belt) I still have trouble dealing with everyday things, let alone all
>the baggage that I know comes with relationships. (What am I talking
>about!? I don't know anything about relationships. (What am I talking
>one! All I know about relationships I learned from reading self-help
>books and from watching the Oprah Winfrey Show.).

Terrence,

You said it yourself.  You are only 23.  "I don't know anything about
relationships."

So how can you look at someone and "know" that you could have a relationship,
"maybe even a good one."  Be honest with yourself.  You "know" that you
really can't make that assessment.  But it is clear that you "want" that
to be true.

I know what it is like to be lonely.  I remember one Sunday morning
after I'd been dumped by a boyfriend of almost 2 years, with whom I
was deeply in love.  I was mourning that relationship, and refusing
to recognize how shallow and hopeless it had really been.  And I prayed
to God to let me find someone that I could love who could love me back
just the way I am.  It was such a sad thing.  I felt it was never going
to happen.  So I got on my knees and prayed for help.  I know that may
sound lame to some people, but by expressing my feelings in that way
I felt like some of the burden was lifted.  It really helped.

Terrance, if the person that you are interested in is also interested
in you, then there are a lot of things that can happen.  You can
let them know that you would like to start a relationship with them
sometime in the future, but that now would be a bad time for that.  You
can try to phrase it possitively, saying that you want to do some things
that you do before getting involved.  You don't have to tell them the
details if you don't want to (or don't feel you know them well enough to
trust them with it).  But consider the fact that if you do start a
relationship with them, the facts will come out.  Since they are going
to find out anyway, show integrity about it now.  If they bolt, then it
would have fallen apart anyway when they learned the truth.  If they
already know about it, then you don't have to worry about that, but
only if they are willing to be supportive of what you need to do.

The bottom line is, if you continue to work on being a healthier
person, you will find that opportunities will open up to you.

Terrance, for many, this is the season of hope.  I wish I could make
that a gift to you.


Mary Otto

P.S.  (forgive the digression)
I just have to take one little dig at Oprah.  (I can't help myself.
I'm just so angry at her!)  Oprah is a model codependent.  She was
the victim of abuse.  She still is not recovered.  She still is not
healthy.  Look at how she behaved about her weight loss, and the
self-loathing she preached for overweight people.  She still cannot
love herself.  Her show cannot be a healthy model for learning about
relationships until her own corrupted self-relationship is repaired.
(I'll stop being angry when she stops bashing big people!)