Original_To:  BITNET%"POLITICS@OHSTVMA.BITNET"
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Sat, 25 Jul 1992 00:05:00 EST
From:         the anti-elvis <199561011@VUVAXCOM.BITNET>
Subject:      RE: on the lam

        welcome to "NITE-LITE," with your host, brnI mojzes,
        tonite, bringing you commentary on the latest press
        releases.

        this commentator would like to take this opportunite
        to point out certain fundamental and perhaps fatal
        errors in mr. olsoN's latest statement.

From:         "push the button, frank!" <SWEDE@DRYCAS.BITNET>
Subject:      on the lam

        please notice the mis-spelling of the word "lamb."

(When last we left, our heroe had just fled the stage, a fugitive from
quantum justice.  Nevertheless, pushed by a strange, gnawing sense of
duty, he comes out of hiding a day later, and calls a press conference.)

"After extensive consultation with my running mate, it has been decided that
he will be in charge of issues of a quantum and/or feline nature.  As for the
solution to the equation, I can only say...'volleyball.'  I'm not sure why,
but it fits all the available information.

        notice also the mis-spelling of the word "volleyballe."

"Now, on to electoral matters.  Our superlative opponents, KilburN and
StephensoN, are engaging in egregious obfuscation of the issues: namely,
what about those photos of Mrs. Smith?  I can say quite clearly that I've
never, ever, had an affair with Mrs. Smith, nor have I ever known her by
her stage name, 'Mistress Justice'.  Go ahead, follow me around.  You'll
be very illuminated.

        mr. olson here has made a grave mistake in openly declaring
        his family's relation to certain alleged conspiratorial groups,
        and also in threatening those who might follow him with
        "illumination," the method with which the illuminati recruit
        their members.

        the kilburN/stevensoN ticket would be well advised to submit
        themselves to medical scrutiny, undergoing the CAT scan that
        would demonstrate that they do NOT possess a third eye, and that
        any opponant who does not follow suit should be assumed to
        possess one.

"I can't answer any of Mr. SchledorN's charges until I see his position
papers.  However, my birthday is August 16th, the same day (though not the
same year) that Elvis Presley died.  Coincidence?  I think not.

        here mr. olson has also erred, linking his birth with the death
        of an american hero.  elvis presley is representative of america,
        being fat, greedy, drug-ridden, and conservative.  by implicating
        himself in the death of elvis, mr. olson not only alienates the
        greater part of middle america, but also the space aliens with
        whom elvis spent most of his later years.

"As for the election pairings, here is the latest update:
            #1: KilburN/StephensoN (the all Kerry ticket)
    -->*****#2: JohnsoN/OlsoN******<---  (vote for us! you know you want to!)
            #3: SchledorN/LoriN
            #4: LorsoN/SultaN
            #5: DuncaN/"HoffmaN"
            #6: FeinsteiN/ZimmermaN
            #7: FreemaN/AlleN (the all Andy ticket)

"Now, on to the matter of logic.  It is clear that we need a logic czar,
to curb the abuses of logic that are running rampant in this nation.  It has
been alleged that I have experimented with logic, but that is clearly
hearsay.  At any rate, it is the heavy abusers of logic, like Travis, that
are our real concern.  With Jamie as our logic czar, we stand ready to promote
safe use of logic.  Our scintillating opponents have not yet perceived the
need for this cabinet position, being concerned with 'family values' and
having their houses painted.

        this is a good move on the johnson/olson party, and will bode
        well for them in the polls.  there is only one way that this
        could backfire.  jamie has not yet pledged loyalty to the johnson/
        olson camp, and could yet be swayed away, if the lorson/sultan
        ticket were to become viable and offer him a better salary.

"A couple questions, now..."

"What about the claims by state's rights activists like Mr. Kidd that the
superimposition of states is clearly unconstitutional?" the list defender of
the media asked.

"I'll have to refer that question to Tim.  Yes, Sam?"

"What are those darts doing stuck in your neck like that?" Sam asked.

"Oh, those?  They're tranquilizer darts, I think.  Odd, I hadn't noticed...
them...before..."

ker-thunk!

(will our heroe, who is not [sic], revive before Tim catches up to him?  Will
he find the one-armed scrutinizer?  stay tuned, gentle reader...)

Gary W. Olson                 "Turn the tables with our unity,    -L7,
SWEDE@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU   they're not a moral nor majority.  "Pretend
reality is what you            Wake up and smell the coffee,       We're
can get away with              or just say no to individualty."    Dead"

        it is clear that mr. olson has made some grave errors that may
        cost the party dearly in the polls, dispite some of his more
        clever moves, such as nominating jamie as drug czar.  it is unlikely
        that the american people will be interested in a president who
        is so demonstrably close to the illuminati, and this commentator
        feels that this party's only chance of success is to nominate
        johnson for president and olson for vice president, with the
        assumption that the vice presidential position would be clearly
        for decorative purposes, such as pie-eating contests and dodge-
        ball ceremonies.

        it is cleare that the american people will not stand for a
        presidential candidate who is incapable of fpelling rudimentare
        Wordf like "volleyballe," and we may be inclined to wonder
        whether johnson would be better off dumping olson for a more
        suitable vp.  however, this may hurt his ratings with the
        conservative supporters, who are also illuminati.

        brnI mojzeS
        (IS)
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