From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  6.7
Date: 29 Jul 92 05:42:00 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





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"He who dies with the most FRIENDS wins."

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    "Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
     Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."

Heinlein's "Notebooks of Lazarus Long", 

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        Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
become socially correct for girls.
        -- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"

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        Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin'
out license plates that say "Live free or Die."
        -- ???

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Sanity is overrated

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If you don't find it in the Index,				
look very carefully through the entire catalogue.		
     -"Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) 

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I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a
"scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's
manager would summon this guy and fire him on the spot.

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Important note: The Anti-Social Committee will not be meeting this week.

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I'm a clown.  That's my sole mechanism of defense.  Very few people will go
out of their way to punish a clown.

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        He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
a fool forever.
        -- Old Chinese saying

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A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

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Seen in a recent classifieds

	W   A   N   T   E   D
	 G O O D   W O M A N

Must be able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and clean fish.
Must have boat and motor.
Please send picture of boat and motor.
	
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Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time
to measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.
Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would
take as long?
			Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

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A pride of lions
A gaggle of geese
An odd lot of programmers

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Any given program, when running, is obsolete

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Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you
remember.
	-Oscar Levant

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In the beginning there was nothing, then God said "Turn on the lights" 
and they were turned on.

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The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and
18.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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Life is like an unassembled abacus.  It's what you make of it that counts.

Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.

Life is like a poker game.  You deal or are dealt to.  It includes skill and
luck.  You bet, check, bluff and raise.  You learn from those you play with.  
Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house.  But whatever happens,
it's best to keep on shuffling along.

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I received a job assignment in Germany on very short notice.  I didn't
know any German at all, but my wife is reasonably fluent, so I had
her teach me a few fundamentals.  The next morning, while cooking
breakfast, I was practicing counting, mumbling the numbers to myself:
"Ein, Zwei, Drei ..." I got stuck on nine.  Right then, my wife walked 
into the kitchen.  "Helen" I said, "what are nine and ten?"

With a concerned look on her face, she said:
"Nineteen.  Are you OK?"

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The NJ state gemstone is concrete

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[Los Angeles] Daily News:

Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite 
the warning of dire penalties?  Well, it's perfectly legal now -- if you live 
in Colorado.  Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing a 
label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress 
inspector jumping through the window for years ..." he said.

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Some times the fine print is funny:

Yesterday, I was reading an ad for Dodge trucks in Popular Mechanics, as I
was reading the  *fine print*  it stated that "These outlandish claims are
based on test results of" (technical information left out because I dont
remember them) and then it finished with.......

"Buckle up for safety, Nice magnifying glass."

It took me by surprise so I instantly started laughing, I was in a library
at the time so it was a little embarrassing, I hate when that happens!

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  Years ago my mom was driving a Plymouth Volare station wagon.
The Plymouth Volare was listed as the car "Least likely to be stolen."

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Well, there is this guy here at Carnegie Mellon who has the best anti-theft
device going.  It seems he had this really wild party a couple of months ago
and had mistakenly left some paint out in the open(either that or someone was
looking for a place to ralph and stumbled unpon it ;-)).  To make a long
story short, he now drives a car that is painted about ten different colors,
with all kinds of nifty designs on it, and it even has something written in
russian on the door.  Now who would try to steal a car like that?  It would be
Very difficult to get away without being noticed.

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A comedian (whose name I don`t remember), when ask to tell a political 
joke, said he only knew one. This is it:

A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress.
Inmediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling:

- Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here!  All the congressmen are about to go out!

The man replies:

-Don't worry.  I have a good alarm in my car.

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"Can I park here ?"
"Nope", said the cop
"Well, then how come these other cars are parked here ?"
"They didn't ask me", replied the cop.

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Did you hear about the snail that was mugged by two tortises?

When he went down to report the mugging the police officer asked him
if he could describe the event and the snail replied, "I don't know
if I could, it happened so fast."

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A Bleeding Heart Liberal and a Sensible Person were discussing economy:

BHL: "There is a great injustice heaped on the poor.  The rich, who
	have more money than they need, can buy credit.  But the poor,
	who haven't two coins to knock together, have to pay cash for
	everything.  Is that FAIR?"

SP: "Of course."

BHL: "But, it should be the other way around.  The rich, who have
	money, should pay cash and the poor should be able to buy 
	on credit."

SP: "I admire your ideals, but a merchant who extends credit to the 
	poor instead of the rich will soon become a poor man himself."

BHL: "So?  Then he'd be able to buy on credit, too!"

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Two riddles, answers at the end:

A man leaves to visit his grandmother on Tuesday.  He is gone for seven days 
and returns on Sunday.  How is this possible?

Two men are found dead in a cabin in the middle of the woods.  They have been
dead for a very short time.  There are no footprints leading to or from the
cabin and they didn't starve to death.  How did they die?

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  When my father was remarried, he planned to have his vows on a little card
and read them.  At that point in the ceremony he would reach into his pocket
and say

	"Sam Jones
	Acme Plumbing . . .    OOOPS!  Wrong card."

  However, he didn't really do that.  He had the vows memorized and all.

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A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct 
the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss".

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It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union.  He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.  "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you.  I'll never get a lawyer!"

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Q: Why did the (moron) couple stop after three children?
A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese.

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Heraclitus - an ancient Greek philosopher, he lived about the fifth century
B.C.  Known as the "Obscure One" to his contemporaries.  
Keep ambiguity in mind.......

- Everything flows.

- It is not possible to step in the same river twice.

- Sea water is the purest and most polluted: for fish it is drinkable and
life-giving; for men, not drinkable and destructive.

- To those who are awake, there is one ordered universe common to all, whereas
in sleep each man turns away from this world to one of his own.

- Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at
play.

- A mans character is his destiny.

- I searched into myself.

- Lovers of wisdom must be inquirers into very many things indeed.

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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, "If the sea between
Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk
across?"  When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an
answer.

After a moment of thought, he said, "Forty days."

The teacher was naturally surprised.  "Pepito," she said, "the
distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles.  Maybe
I didn't make the question clear.  Pretend that it's all smooth
and level ground.  NOW how long would it take?"

Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.

"But why?" asked the teacher.

"Well, because you would constantly have to say, "`Excuse me,'
`Pardon me please,' `Excuse me, sir,' `Pardon me Miss,' `Excuse
me...'"

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Once, the leaders of the Soviet Union hoped they could
feed their people, if only they could get some help
from the West.  So they went to the West and arranged
to buy wheat.  That was not enough, since eventually,
the agreement ran out.

Then, the leaders of the Soviet Union hoped that if
they gave their people hope for freedom, they could
rebuild their economy and grow wheat themselves to
feed their people.  So they went to the West and
announced a new policy of openness.  That was not enough,
since the stores remained empty.

Now, the leaders of the Soviet Union are hoping that
if they give their people actual freedom, they will
rebuild the polity, rebuild the economy, and grow wheat
for themselves.  What will they ask for from the West?

Political asylum.

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  An Aggie decides to raise chickens.  So, he goes to the feed store and
buys some chicks.  He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their
heads sticking up.  He waters them, but they die.

  He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought
defective chicks, and gets another set.  This time he plants them with
their heads sticking down.  He waters them, but they die.

  He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem.  They
send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

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"How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
   We don't know yet. No aggie has even tried to 
   attempt this complex technical feat.
   (by Aggie standards that is...)

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During the construction of the Alaska Pipeline, one of Bechtel's engineers, 
a man named Sam, overslept one morning.  The pipeline crew failed to notice 
that Sam was not among them (Sam being the sort that was frequently not 
among them) and moved north.  When Sam woke up, he was all alone.  There 
was nothing to worry about, since it was a pleasant day in late May.  The 
-100 degree temperatures of January and February were just a memory, but 
the uncomfortably hot and sticky days of mid-summer just north of Fairbanks 
had not yet arrived.  Sam set out to find his crew.

As Sam walked North, he ran across a tribe of Eskimos, who were out gathering 
moss.  Sam stopped to chat with them, and the Eskimos invited him to join 
the tribe.  Sam considered this, and decided that being an Eskimo had much 
to recommend it, as he imagined that the Eskimo life was much less stressful 
than that of an engineer on the Pipeline.  For a few days, Sam busily 
assisted the tribe in gathering moss.  Each of the Eskimos had a personal 
supply of moss, and after a few days, Sam had gathered more than he could 
easily carry in his back pack.  He asked the other Eskimos why the moss was 
being gathered, but was unable to understand the answer, given his limited 
command of Eskimese.  As was characteristic, he finally decided that he had 
more moss than he could use, and proceeded to spend the summer sleeping.  
While the rest of the tribe was busy gathering moss, Sam was resting.

Come the first snow, the tribe moved south to the shores of an inlet, where 
seals could be caught and killed for meat and oil.  Sam was given a small 
lamp, and was shown how to make a wick out of moss.  When filled with oil, 
the lamp would supply heat and light for the long, dark winter nights.  Sam's 
lamp was fine for a while, but in early December, his meager supply of moss 
was exhausted.  It was evident that without a working lamp, he would freeze 
to death, so it was urgent to get more moss.  When he approached the Eskimo 
chief with the problem, and requested an additional supply of moss in order 
to get through the winter, he was told by the chief, "Sorry, Sam,"

"No wick for the rested."

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The man has a horse named Tuesday.

The cabin is the cabin from an airplane that crashed in the woods.



Newsgroups: rec.humor