HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: kst@telesoft.com (Keith Thompson @pulsar)
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Keywords: foo, bar, baz, thud
Organization: TeleSoft, San Diego, CA, USA
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 05:55:05 GMT

In article <5540@balrog.ctron.com> lawrence@olympus.ctron.com (Gary St. Lawrence) writes:
> Hear! Hear! This thread is VERY 
> [99 VERY's deleted]
> 					not funny.

Folks, please take a look at the Newsgroups line.  For some reason lost
in the depths of history, this thread is being cross-posted to rec.humor,
aus.jokes, alt.folklore.computers, and aus.computers.  If you follow up
to this thread, *please* edit the Newsgroups line.

And now for something relevant (I hope) to all four newsgroups:

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That would only be a temporary workaround; we're looking into
   implementing a complete solution for the next release.
-- 
Keith Thompson (The_Other_Keith)  kst@telesoft.com
TeleSoft, 5959 Cornerstone Court West, San Diego, CA, 92121-9891
"Listen to me, people!  We must stick them with quills -- it's the only way!"
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: viviana@igor.tamri.com (Vivian Aldridge)
Subject: Picture of a king? (ASCII)
Organization: TOSHIBA America MRI, South San Francisco, CA
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 92 14:03:52 GMT


Hi Everyone,
Does anyone have a picture of a king?  I'm hosting a "coronation"
at work tomorrow and I would like to remind my team members by
sending them a picture of a king.

Thanks!
Please email to me at :

viviana@tamri.com

Vivian
From: vaps0de@prism.gatech.EDU (Dustin Emhart)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Find the Bug (the real answer)
Date: 12 Oct 92 03:29:24 GMT
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology

In article <1992Oct1.164635.19852@inesc.pt>, usenet@inesc.pt (USENET News System) writes:

> 	Conclusion:
> 		Each client payed $9 ($10 - $1), and 3x9 = 27 plus the 
> 	$2 the employee kept, that makes $29...
 	
> 	Where is the missing $ ???
 
Simple.

It's in the same alternate dimension as all of the socks that disappear from
washers and dryers worldwide.
-- 
Dustin Emhart                       |  CS Majors: We do more after 11 pm than
Georgia Institute of Technology     |  most people do all day.
Internet: vaps0de@prism.gatech.edu  |        -- me
jhsegal
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Request Shit list
From: jhsegal@wiscon.weizmann.ac.il (Livy)
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1992 13:12:27 GMT
Organization: Weizmann Institute of Science, Computation Center

In the SHIT list I saw : SHITZOPHRENIA : Fear of shitting.
It is totally uncorrect.ear of shitting should be called SHITOPHOBIA.

---------------This Was Another L I V Y ' S  Production----------------------

  __     __  __    ___ __     _     ___   __
    |      |   \     /   |     \       \    | VM/CMS:
    |      |    \   /    |    _ \       \   | JHSEGALL @ Weizmann.weizmann.ac.il
    |___   |       /     |    _  \    |  \  | UNIX:
        |  |      /      |   /    \   |     |  JHSEGAL  @ Wiscon.weizmann.ac.il
From: okes@essex.ac.uk (Oke S)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wanted jokes
Date: 7 Oct 92 17:20:26 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, University of Essex, UK.
In-reply-to: ghosh@cs.pitt.edu's message of 6 Oct 92 23:07:52 GMT

In article <16804@pitt.UUCP> ghosh@cs.pitt.edu (Sunondo Ghosh) writes:
|
| Wanted jokes on Computers/Computer Scientists. Please mail them
| to me.

Types of computer person you may meet:

1. The Software scientist.
   This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series
   of transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-calculus.
   This program is _correct_, meaning it will do what it is supposed to.
   Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a stable operating
   system, a computer with a proven architecture and an uninterruptable
   power supply.

2. The Software engineer.
   This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small
   enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news.

3. The Programmer.
   The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually
   write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you want it to, 
   but what the programmer thinks you _ought_ to want it to do.

4. The Hacker.
   The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say "that's
   easy", and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes.
   As the line executes, you can hear the disk thrashing away with the
   effort of opening and closing all the temporary files.

5. The Hardware Buff.
   This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete logic...

6. The System Administrator.
   While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a process
   with a suspicious-sounding name, kills it and asks you via mail what it
   was. This happened to me: the process was my login shell, bash!

--
This signature is copyright 12/6/1992 Simon Oke. All rights reserved. If you
like it and keep a copy for your own use, you owe me $20. Please pass it on
to your friends with all documentation.              Email okes@essex.ac.uk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"God I hate floppies" - Karl Brandt.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: eradm@brahms.Berkeley.EDU (Erik Radmall)
Subject: Re: Cascade the Flames of Love
Reply-To: eradm@brahms.Berkeley.EDU (Erik Radmall)
Organization: Xerox
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 18:25:47 GMT


>>>>>>>>>Cascades are stupid (don't you dare).
>>>>>>>>I suppose you think we really care!
>>>>>>>Cascades are funny, just my fare!
>>>>>>Hun? What?  I'll have my steak rare!
>>>>>He's smarter than the average bear!
>>>>But more stupid then the dumbest hare!
>>>If you don't stop, my teeth I'll bare!
>>I'm shivering. Are you trying to throw a scare?
>Sorry, Erik, but in war all's fair!
Let trumpets of mint chocolate blare!
From: pcs$2012@altair.selu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: vote for bush
Date: 12 Oct 92 23:36:03 -0600
Distribution: world
Organization: Southeastern Louisiana University

Q: What is the number one reason to ote for Bush
A: The Spotted Owels keep me awake at night
From: rajain@ecs.umass.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Another Funny Name (was Re: REQUEST: Funny names--please read!)
Date: 15 Oct 92 18:18:29 GMT
Article-I.D.: ecs.18760.2addb5f6

In article <1992Oct15.081245.1@ulkyvx.louisville.edu>, cl129501@ulkyvx.louisville.edu writes:
> In article <phlegm.719113297@camelot>, phlegm@camelot.bradley.edu (Kevin Bourrillion) writes:
>> 
>> I'm taking a collection of humorous names for people.  These names do
>> not have to be real, and in fact they shouldn't be!  Almost everyone
>> has heard some of these before, I'm sure.  Some examples are...
>> 
>> Jacques Strap
>> Harry Paraballs
>> Ivan Jakinov
>> Heywood Jablomi
>> Claude Balls
>> 
>> etc. etc. etc.  
>> If I get enough of them, I'll submit them to rec.humor.funny and give
>> credit to everyone who responded.
>> 
> 
> Maxi Pad (origin unknown)
> Anne Arkey (original of mine.  I actually used this one once :)
> I.P. Freeley (a Bart Simpson one)
> Al Kaholic (another Bart Simpson one)
> 
> -- Darren Embry
>    cl129501@ulkyvx.louisville.edu


  Michael Hooker (President of 5-colleges here in Western Mass.)

I always wonder why the daily "collegian" newspaper of UMass *loves* to
start their headlines with 

	- "Hooker hears concerns of UM community" (Oct. 14, 1992)

	- "Hooker says UM neglected racial issues" (Oct. 15, 1992)

Man! imagine the "sudden jump" in freshman enrollnment next year if the 
collegian had printed:

	- "Hooker to take positive action to relieve the pain felt by UM 
	   students" 

(and ironically, due to current situation on UMass campus, it would have 
been an appropriate headline!) 

	Bye,

	Rajat.

---	

RACISM SUCKS and so do racists!!! 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: LB.FHG@isumvs.iastate.edu (Fred Gulden)
Subject: Re: How do they do it?
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 20:47:22 GMT

>> >>>Does any one have a list of stuff like:
>> >>>    Accy majors do it in numbers!
>> >>>    Physics majors do it at the speed of light!
>> >>Architecture majors stay up all night.
>> >>Music majors do it in a chord.
>> >Mechanical Engineering majors do it in gear!
>>       Nukes do it with more power!
>>       Phototherapists do it with the lights on!
>>       Divers do it deeper?
>Librarians do it by the book.

Archivists make it last longer.
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: National Unity
From: xtkmg@blaze.trentu.ca (Kate Gregory)
Keywords: topical, smirk, true

A banner I saw at Friday's Toronto Blue Jay game:

MY CANADA INCLUDES THE WORLD SERIES


{For non-locals: this is a parody of the "My Canada includes Quebec"
campaign underway during our latest constitutional crisis.}

Kate
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Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 12:20:07 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Don't annoy the moderator
From: srk@mink.mt.att.com (Steven Klinkner)
Organization: AT&T Bell Labs
Keywords: topical, maybe, original


A 'joke' in honor of our new moderator: 

  Did anyone notice that

          'Maddi Hausmann' 

  can be re-arranged into 

          'Inhuman Saddam'? 

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Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 4:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: rz02+@andrew.cmu.edu (Rudolph R. Zung)
Subject: State of Intelligence
Keywords: smirk, true

This is for real; I am not making this up. 

I was driving back to Pittsburgh from Chicago a few weekends ago, and had
the CB so that I would be appraised of "traffic conditions." Anyway there
were these two truckers talking on the channel.

Trucker #1: Naw, I think we really should change over the metric system.

Trucker #2: Metric? Why should we change over to metric? What wrong with (a
   slight pause here as Trucker #2 tries to think up of appropriate system
   of measurements...) American Standard.

Trucker #1: Metric is real simple. See there's none of these 16th and 32nd
   measures. Everything is just one through ten. It's real easy

Trucker 2: Only one through ten hunh? Well, I got a few metric tools in my
   toolbox. And this here wrench is sized six POINT five... how do you
   explain that?

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Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 19:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bob@morningstar.com (Bob Sutterfield)
Subject: Military Intelligence
Keywords: maybe, true, heard it

My uncle Jack served in the late 60s on the aircraft carrier USS
Ranger, CVA-61, in the Tonkin Gulf off the east coast of Vietnam.
Having spent his youth with Ham radio, he became an electronics
technician.  He came aboard fresh from high school, Basic Training,
and the US Navy's radio repairman's school.

In the radio shop, as probably elsewhere on the ship, in the Navy, and
in military life in general, life is regulated by a strict hierarchy.
In small organizational units, where the hierarchy is rather flat, the
pecking order must be decided by some means other than stripe count.
In the Ranger's radio repair shop, the man with the least seniority
was assigned to arrive earlier in the morning to make the coffee, so
it would be ready by the time the rest of the crew arrived.

The first morning out of port, the chief petty officer was giving him
the shop tour, focusing closely on coffee-making procedures.

"Ya see kid, first ya put eight scoops of coffee in da basket, den ya
put da water in da pot, up to dat line.  Den ya put da basket in da
pot, put da lid on, and plug it inta da bulkhead.  Ya got dat, kid?"
"Yessir, got it."

Jack didn't drink coffee back then, and he still doesn't care much for
it.  And he didn't particularly like the idea of making the coffee for
the duration of the cruise, for everyone else to drink.  And he valued
those ten extra minutes in the rack as much as the next sailor,
perhaps even more.

So the next morning, Jack put eight scoops of coffee in the filter
basket.  The next morning, nine scoops.  The morning after that, ten
scoops.  And so on...

By the end of the week, the rest of the shop was convinced that Jack,
being incapable even of making a decent pot of coffee, was dumber than
the average tree stump.  They arrived at the consensus that the honor
of coffee detail should be removed from his list of responsibilities,
and given to someone more competent.  Jack just meekly hung his head
at the shame, said "yessir" appropriately, and enjoyed those extra ten
minutes of sleep for the rest of the cruise.
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Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: kskelm@uccs.edu (Nybble me... Byte me.. Unsigned long int me)
Subject: The "Dream Team"
Keywords: original, chuckle, topical

[Another late entrant...please, folks, send your topical jokes
 to topical@clarinet.com  -ed]

        I think I've figured out why the "Dream Team" seemed to score so well
in Barcelona.

        All the other countries' scores were in metric.

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From: twhalen@willamette.edu (Timothy Whalen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Ross for Boss
Keywords: topical, smirk, original
Date: 8 Oct 92 07:20:04 GMT


I believe "Perot" is french for "none of the above".

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Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 12:20:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Absolute Gospel Truth!
From: lth00@cccvm.ccc.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman x68019)
Keywords: topical, smirk

The following was told to me by a colleague at work. It seems
appropriate, considering the season and the scum that's running
for office.

   The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning
   "many", and the word "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites".


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Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 5:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jawebb@leo.unm.edu (James Webb)
Subject: Outside the circle
Keywords: sexual, smirk, offensive


	Urneq guvf bar gbqnl sebz n sevraq bs n sevraq...


	N yvggyr obl pbzrf vagb uvf qnqql'f ebbz naq gryyf uvz gung gur bgure
xvqf ner znxvat sha bs uvz orpnhfr ur qbrfa'g xabj nal qvegl jbeqf. Gur qnqql
nfxf uvz jung jbeqf vf ur pbashfrq nobhg.

	"Qnqql, jung vf n chffl?" nfxf gur vaabprag puvyq.

	Qnqql jvgu n dhvpx synfu bs vafcvengvba chyyf bhg n Cynlobl, pvepyrf gur
nccebcvngr nangbzl jvgu n cra naq ercyvrf "Rirelguvat vafvqr gur pvepyr vf n
chffl."

	"Jryy, gura jung'f n phag?"

	Qnqql ersyrpgf sbe n srj zbzragf naq ercyvrf,
	
		"Rirelguvat bhgfvqr gur pvepyr."


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DON'T ASK ME.  You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
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If you MUST complain, look or ask for the RHF offensive jokes policy sheet.
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 12:20:06 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: They wanted openness in campaigns.  Looks like we got it.
Organization: University at Buffalo, Language Perception Lab
From: MIKE%LUICK@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Michael S. Cluff)
Keywords: topical, smirk


Spotted on clari.news.headlines:

>Subject: US & World headlines (Oct 5 8 am PDT)
 
>	The White House says negotiators for the president will meet this
>week with representatives of Bill Clinton and Ross Perot to iron out
>details for their debates.. They begin Sunday evening... and conclude
>eight days later.

Now, exactly how many videotapes will I need to get eight days of debates on 
tape?


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From: jerbil@ultra.com (Joseph Beckenbach {Adapter Software Release Engr})
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: When in doubt, write it out.
Keywords: smirk
Date: 16 Oct 92 23:30:04 GMT
Article-I.D.: looking.S485.73ab

_A_Guide_for_Scientists_and_Other_Professionals_, originally cited to
Deborah Andrews and Margaret Blickle. -- Joseph]

	If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an
abbreviation, write the term out in full.  Otherwise, he will be left in 
the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its
leg: "Wash. Biol. Surv.".  The next day he was talking with his neighbor
about the last night's dinner:  "I followed the directions, washed it, boiled
it, and put it on the table.  Damn crow still tasted awful."


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Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: What to dress up for this Halloween
From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix)
Keywords: topical, smirk, stereotypes, PC

   
I was trying to decide who to dress up as this Halloween for a costume party.  I gave thought to going as Christopher Columbus, but then I decided I couldn't take the social heat that would generate--so I decided I'll go as Hitler.

Adam Frix via cmhGate - Net 226 fido<=>uucp gateway Col, OH
UUCP: ...!osu-cis!n8emr!cmhgate!Adam.Frix
INET: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org
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Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 19:30:17 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix)
Subject: the Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences, continued
Keywords: sexual, smirk

   
We've all heard (or read in Ann Landers) about the set of coincidentally almost-identical or reverse-identical circumstances surrounding the assassinations of both Lincoln and Kennedy.

Well, another one was brought to light the other day:

The night before his death, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland...

--Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW Cincinnati
--  
Adam Frix via cmhGate - Net 226 fido<=>uucp gateway Col, OH
UUCP: ...!osu-cis!n8emr!cmhgate!Adam.Frix
INET: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org


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Administrative note:

BT Here: Some people have asked about the disappearance of "rot13" from some
rotated jokes.  At first, that was because I forgot to tell Maddi to do
that.   However, people asked for it back because they had automatic
software to detect the rot13 keyword and decrypt.

Of course, that defeats the whole point of rot13, which is that you
MANUALLY have to make the decision to decrypt.  I won't permit you to
make the decision to decrypt everything without human intervention.  You
are expected to read the other keywords and decide whether to read.

So from now on, no machine-understandable keyword indicating encryption
will be provided.   Yes, clearly it's not too hard to write a program
to detect rot13 text anyway, but I must ask that people not do this.  I
do not want people saying, "Well, I figured I could take anything so I
set it up to auto-decrypt but that last one was JUST NOT FUNNY."

(For some reason the words "not funny" are always in caps.)
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: tmorgan@as.arizona.edu (Tad Morgan)
Subject: related to a dysletic agnostic
Keywords: maybe, original

[inspired by recent rec.humor, etc. debate over agnostism vs atheism.
Original, I think.]

Did you hear about the atheistic solipsist?


He didn't believe in himself.

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From: sscheima@sceng.ub.com (Scheiman_Scott)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Parse this sentence
Keywords: smirk, true
Date: 14 Oct 92 23:30:04 GMT


     The following tidbit appeared in a recent company newsletter.  I
     suspect the intended meaning isn't the one I got on first reading,
     but who knows - there's a longstanding rivalry between Texas and
     California (where I think this originated):


CONSERVATION CORNER

Each year the U.S. produces enough plastic film to shrink-wrap the
state of Texas, most of which can be recycled.  Please, keep recycling.



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