From: jmk@cbnews.cb.att.com (joseph.m.knapp)
Subject: Joe Bob Briggs on Comedy Central
Organization: AT&T
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 03:56:17 GMT
Followup-To: alt.politics.elections

Joe Bob Briggs, Comedy Central Morning Session Reporter, Moday 8/17/92:

Al Franken: Joe's going to report for us on what the morning session was 
like -- what was accomplished this morning at the convention.

Joe Bob Briggs: Thank you, Al. Al -- they didn't do diddly-squat today. They
had one little old pitiful speech where in the middle of it about thirty people
started screaming, "four more years, four more years" and then that kind of
petered out like an old lame coon dog. So the only thing that happened is they
had a bunch of long speeches welcoming everyone to Texas about nineteen
jillion times. Evidently it takes longer to get welcomed to Texas than it does
to drive across Texas. And they even had Steve Barlett up there, the mayor of
Dallas, welcoming everybody to Dallas, even though the convention is in Houston!
Fortunately nobody out there seemed to notice. They just said, oh yeah, it is
wonderful to be in Dallas -- and in Houston too. But, anyhow they did do one
thing: they approved the platform that says they want to build that fence down
the whole two thousand miles of the Mexican border to keep out the illegal 
aliens because too many of them are sneaking in to work at Denny's. And they
basically -- they just dumped all over the gays. They always call them 
homosexuals -- you notice that? They never call them gays. Homosexuals. And
of course they wrote that abortion plank that would basically round up and
shoot anybody who even used the word abortion. So -- talk about your 
hardliners. But it was real boring. I don't know, they didn't even have a
pro-choice demonstration or anything like we thought they would. And so the
reporters were kind of hacked off. You know what they kept talking about?
Over and over and over again? The nookie thing. The nookie question. You know,
when did they have nookie, who knew about the nookie, which Jennifer did they
have nookie with. Did it ever occur to you that the only people left in America
who think sexual behavior is a campaign issue anymore are the reporters? I
mean, has it ever occurred that the only people not having sex are the 
reporters? And let me say this though, before we get into this subject: I don't
really want to talk about this subject. I mean, I don't think it's any of our
business. I really don't care if George Bush or Bill Clinton is making the
sign of the twin-humped aardvark with the fourteen-year-old Pakistani girls.
The only reason I'm talking about this is that the New York Post talked about
it, so I feel it's my duty as a journalist to follow up and throw more dirt
on top of that. And so, reluctantly, I ask this political question -- and it's
only a political question -- who's getting nookie on the side; how much nookie
are they getting? Now first, I think to be fair we have to start with Bill
Clinton. I would be abandoning my principles as a journalist if I talked
about George Bush's nookie rumors but ignored the previously reported
instances when Clinton -- allegedly -- whipped it out. But the Clinton thing
is easy, because first of all the man lives in Little Rock, Arkansas. Now, I
have spent a lot of time in Little Rock -- and everybody sleeps with everybody
else in Little Rock, especially in politics. Little Rock is the hammock-
hopping capital of the South! This is the state that spawned Wilbur Mills --
who got nekkid with that tidal basin bombshell -- and still got re-elected!
Little Rock is where the most notorious groupie in rock-and-roll history
comes from: sweet, sweet Connie -- immortalized in the song American Band
by Grand Funk Railroad. Remember that? So my first point is that if Bill
Clinton only slept with seventeen women during his marriage, he would still
be on the conservative end of the Little Rock political scale! But here's
what I don't understand: Clinton already told everybody he screwed up. He went
on 60 Minutes and practically said, "I did it nine ways from Sunday with
everything that had two legs and still breathed." So what's the big deal? He
didn't lie about it. Or are people just mad because they think he just lied
about when it was supposedly over? Well, to believe this, you gotta believe
that Gennifer-with-a-G woman. And by the way, it's not her fault that she
spells Jennifer wrong. I think we shouldn't be making jokes about that. The
woman was born prior to the Clinton education reforms. Nobody in the whole 
state of Arkansas knew how to spell the word 'pig' before 1962! And that --
let's get on to Bush though. I was happy to know that there are at least
rumors that this guy still likes to root around in the old cider cellar.
This woman wrote this book saying that he made the sign of the triple-gilled
attack weasel with Jennifer-with-a-J in one of those houses in Switzerland
that look like the clock on your grandmother's mantle. To which I say: so
what? You know why we probably never heard about that till now? 'Cause they
were French people over there. You know, in France, in Switzerland, the
tabloid newspapers follow politicians around and make fun of them when they
*don't* have affairs. Let's face it, come on. Are there any marriages in
America that have not been through some kind of affair, or lust, or betrayal,
or at least thinking about doing it with the lady that takes the tickets at
the miniature golf course? Or where I come from, in Texas, about once a year
every wife in the state says, "you're a fat pig and I just don't want to
sleep with you anymore." And that's just like, you know, stage in their 
marital development. And then they go on from there and improve things. So
in other words, isn't George the model of a good husband? The kind who loves
women? I mean, maybe he loves women in shacks in Switzerland, who knows? But
he sticks it out with one woman instead of doing it the way most American men
would do it. Which is haul their hiney end to next county, check into one of 
those cinder block singles apartment complexes and pay child support the rest
of their lives. So I think they're both good men, I really do. If they did it,
they're sorry, so let's forget about it, OK? Back to you, Al. Personally, I
don't think we should be discussing this. It's a private matter.

Al: I don't think so either.

Joe Bob: You know, the New York Post started it.

Al: And thanks for telling us what went on in the morning session.

Joe Bob: Well, it wasn't a whole lot, Al.