From: anon-1421@twwells.com (seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: guilt & catch 22
Date: 19 Nov 92 17:22:32 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

: You mention that you were a consenting adult, yet you mention in the next
: sentence that you were afraid *not* to have sex.  I always thought that for
: sex to be consensual, both parties had to agree that that's what they want to
: do, of their own free will.  Psychological manipulation or intimidation or
: threat of violence, either expressed or implied, add up to rape.
 
Thankyou for pointing this out. I never connected with the *of their own free will*
part. The dictionary says that consent means *to permit, approve, or agree; 
comply or yield* which is how I was viewing it. I yielded, out of fear. I
asked myself what I got out of maintaining that I had control and wasn't just
a victim and realized that it is a piece of denial that helps keep my
hurt under wraps. If I was a *consenting adult* then I can blame myself, 
which I am used to doing, and I was not a victim. Somehow being a victim hurts

more. I don't know why.

I saw a therapist last night and she told me that since the perp had been my
therapist the abuse was similar in some ways to childhood sexual abuse. The
therapist relationship has the power-balance and dependencies somewhat like
a parent. He used my wounds from childhood abuse to control me. The therapist
said if I had 2 broken legs, instead of psychological wounds, I wouldn't pick 
on myself for being unable to get away. 

: You are seeing someone, but not in a relationship?  Hmmm...OK...  <scratching
: head>

Again you are right. I feel safer if I can think I am not in a relationship,
but of course I am! A budding one, but a relationship none-the-less.

: : I have nightmares about loving relationships (getting less frequent). 
: Um, could you be more explicit?  I'm not sure I understand how a loving
: relationship can be a nightmare...

As a child, my mother was abusive and my father a very quiet and abused drunk.
My father, my 3 siblings, and I were often afraid for our lives and we
each have stories about actions we took to defend ourselves (we 
have talked/joked about this as adults). With my ex-SO I was often
afraid for my life.

I think I learned to equate love with abuse, so someone being loving means 
abuse cannot be far behind. My ex-SO had me convinced that I did not know 
how to be in a normal loving relationship (he was right) and that he could 
teach me (he was WRONG). Again I learned that love and abuse come together. 
Hence, I panic over love. The nightmares have diminished since I stopped trying
to run away in my dream and tried to *kill the bastard* instead. When I
tried to share a tent with a male friend I felt violent inside and worried I 
might wake up trying to *kill the bastard* who was really a perfectly 
innocent and nice guy. 

I have a really great relationship with my parents now. My father is still
a quiet drunk and my mother seems to have stopped being abusive (and has 
no recollection of ever having been abusive). I can feel
love for them again (I had stayed away emotionally for > 20 years and just
came back a year ago). But I still bear the scars....

I was terrified after posting to the net, but this is really helping so far.
It feels pretty wierd to post such personal stuff ...

thanks
-seeker

ANON-Name: seeker
ANON-Ping: yes
ANON-Announce: yes



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