From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: not feeling wanted and relationships
Date: 1 Oct 92 23:57:35 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <BvB2u7.1ss@twwells.com>, anon-1250@twwells.com writes:
>Hi. This is my first message to this group; it frightens me, but I'm 
>going to be as forthright as I can about what's frightening me - what 
>I'm obsessing about.

Welcome and congrats on that decision!

>    First of all, I'm hitting a big area of hurt for me:  feeling that
>my mother and father (mother especially) did not want me.  Not only did
>my mother sexually abuse me; she couldn't see nor appreciate *me* as I
>was (nor could my father, for different reasons). My mother needed me
>to reflect *her image* back to her.  Never do I remember feeling seen
>or heard by her.  I always tried to be what she wanted me to be; that
>never seemed to be *me*!

This is very familiar.  Fortunately in my case after a year of yelling at her
each day at the top of my lungs, we both saw a psychologist, and she backed
off...

>     I'm almost 30 years old, a gay male.  In the past few years I've
>learned to love myself, am learning, and more recently, to like myself.
>That makes this feeling of not being wanted, even as a child, so much
>harder to take.  It hurts a lot.

But you have been able to learn to love yourself.  This is definately
improvement!  It hurts a hell of a lot, I know... (I'm dealing with the same
thing)

>     A few weeks ago, I met a man who lives almost 1500 miles away.
>During the 8 or 9 hours we spent together, we seemed to connect in a
>very profound way, a way that made me want to spend more time (as he
>says he'd like to do).  Since then, I've been wondering how it is we
>can develop a relationship with so much distance between us.  I get 
>scared because so much seems to ride on a relationship developing with
>him. I wrote him, saying that we need to define what we want out of 
>this, and how we're going to go about it, or if we're even going to try,
>But I haven't called him to talk w/him about the letter, or what his
>thoughts are.

How long has it been since you wrote the letter?  Has he had time be be able to
respond via snail mail?  Regarding the amount riding on the relationship, I
know how that goes. That got my heart involved in the last relationship I was
in.  Fortunately, I was able to avoid it when a chance came up to have a
relationship with a Netter who is 2 states away...

>     Now, with these feelings of not being wanted coming to the surface,
>I'm not even sure I should be getting involved with anyone, let alone
>someone who lives 1,500 miles away.  I want to do the right thing for
>myself.  I also want to give this guy and me a chance.  I know it's quite
>a long shot, but it really was an incredible time spent with him.  (There
>is obviously an attraction, but I feel it's important for you to know that
>the time we spent together was not sexual.  Most of the time we spent
>talking to each other).  Thanks for any replies.  "Stumbling".

I'm not even going to offer any comments here, because I'd probably suggest to
do the wrong thing.  I can't think streight on this issue...  But I do know
what you are going through...

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|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     |NOTICE: Your Milage May Vary|   Suite 246             !
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|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery