From: dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca (Dave hall)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons
Subject: For Chris or More Script Ideas
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 11:55:52 CST
Organization: system 6626 BBS, Winnipeg MB

Recently, I tried my hand at writing a script, or rather a Raymond Chen-like
capsule.  Alas, things didn't turn out as planned.  Knowing what I know now,
Ms. (Cat) Stanton has her work cut out.  I still might finish this script or
turn it into a short story (or not)?   Anyway, I would like to share some
other script ideas that Chris Baird (our friend down under), Raymond Chen
and myself have tossed around.  (Perhaps the first of many?)

Starting with this article, I cover & expanded some ideas that were original
thought up by Chris Baird.  Basically, his ``Star Trek parody'' & ``Marge
enters a car derby''.

{for sake of formality, I have used Raymond Chen's capsule form for some
 sections}

{Star Trek parody}

For those who are not Trekkers, you have to recall how ST:TMP started (i.e.
The music & visual of the Klingons attacking V'GER)

% Scene opens with a view of space (subtitle "The Barney Zone"), three
% Klingon battle cruisers (shaped like pretzels) fly in attack formation
% (Klingon battle theme played to Barney burps).  Space shot pans in on the
% a Klingon Cruiser (subtitle "The Imperial Klingon Cruiser Homer").  On the
% smoked-fulled bridge, we see the Klingon Captain, with Navigation &
% Tactical Officers to each side of him; all three, as well as the others on
% the bridge, look & dress like Homer (i.e underwear & under shirt).  All
% three are sitting in chairs with beers in hand, staring at TV sets.

Captain: [utters a command] Br'g Foo now  {translation ``Bring food, now!''}
Captain: [leans toward TV] B'o Gt n  {translation ``Boy get it now!''}

% Quick cut to show a starship on a TV set.

Captain: [laughing] Ta Pr'f cim  {translation ``The perfect crime!''}

% All on bridge laugh in unison.
%
% Meanwhile, nearby, on the Starship U.S.S. Bartholemew, Captain Al Barto
% has just finished his recent mission and is taking his crew home.

Barto: [petting a blue tribble] Well, we finally got these tribbles under
       control.  {tribble makes a -suck- -suck- sound}
Barto: Well, Mr. Lis, what's next--

% Alarms sounds, Barto quickly looks to the viewing screen that shows three
% Klingon Battle Cruisers approaching.  Barto turns to his first Officer.
% [view slightly pans to show Mr. Lis]

Barto:   Lis, can we take on three?
Mr. Lis: Bart, I think we should first ask what they want?
Barto:   [shouts] Damn it, Lis, I'm the Captain...prepare battle stations!

% On the Klingon bridge, the Captain issues his crew to prepare the Duff
% cannon.
%
% But before both sides could blow themselves up, more alarms sound on both
% ships.
%
% On the Starship U.S.S. Bartholemew:

Barto:   Lis, what is it?  More Klingons?
Mr. Lis: Bart, it would appear to be a large alien mother ship.

% On the Imperial Klingon Cruiser Homer:

Captain: [free hand raised to forehead] D'oh! {translation ``D'oh!''} [all
         on bridge imitate their captain's grief]

% Shot changes to show the spaceships in space.  In between them, something
% very huge raises up.  As the alien ship raises, it makes the other
% spaceships look like puny dots.  The alien ship raises, up, up, up, and
% still it raises up until we can make out two large spheres with a bump
% just below them.  As something like an over-hang mouth raises into view,
% the two spheres open up into a pair of eyes...we are peering into Marge's
% frowning face, and what had just passed was her hair.  The mouth opens and
% a message issues forth, it was a simple message, which states: ``Homer,
% stop that!  kids, don't encourage your father!''
%
% Everything, except Marge's face, fads out and as the shot pans back, we
% are shown a very messy TV room.  Marge, looking from the Kitchen doorway,
% scowls her family for such chaos.  Homer, wearing shoulder pads, is
% pointing a dart-gun at Bart.  Meanwhile, Bart is pointing a water-gun at
% Homer, and beside Bart, Lisa is sporting pointed ears.  The two kids are
% dressed in uniforms while Homer's only in his underwear & undershirt.
% Maggie has a blue-shag rug drapped around her. (-suck- suck-)

Marge: [pointing] just look at this mess, I want all of you to clean it up
       now!
Bart:  Oh, man!
Homer: D'oh!  And I was winning too!
Lisa:  [looking down at Maggie]  Well, Maggie, play-time's over.

 
{Marge enters a car derby}

This bit could take place right after the Star Trek parody.  Having Marge
enter a car derby is not really a plot or sub-plot, but rather a plot-device
to place Marge in a position so that Homer would have to do all the things a
mommy (Marge) does.  {Apologizes to readers that might take offence, my
humour isn't to everyone's taste, right Raymond?}

Basically, Patty & Selma come by, wearing some sort of uniforms, and lugging
helmets {visual gag, it would probably be really funny just thinking about
them actually wearing helmets}.  They just come from one of their favorite
passtime...``Ladies demolish derby'' (the sport where you crash your car
into others until only one is left standing).  They suggest that Marge
should try it (great tension reliever), but Homer scoffs at the idea until
Selma states that the winner gets $10,000.  Now, Homer's all for the idea,
but Marge is unsure. (``Come on, Marge!  Remember when you beat everyone to
that parking spot when they announced that special on hair spray?'')  Marge
finally agrees, Patty (jokingly) tells Homer that there's a rule that states
Marge would have to drive his car (``D'oh!'').  Next weekend at the
speedway, Homer & the kids are in the grandstands.  In the pit, Selma &
Patty are giving Marge advice. (``And if a heel breaks, break the other else
you'll find it hard driving...better yet, break them off right now.'')

The derby is about to start, Marge places her helmet on her head.  (By the
way, she had it modified so that her hair could stick out!) Into the fray,
Marge and the other women drivers show ``us men'' what driving is really all
about.  Princess Cashmere is the first of the casualties when someone rammed
her VW Beetle (a flowery love-bug).  Sylvia Winfield, driving her vintage
Bently, rams Ms. Krabappels' 74' Gremlin.  More spills & chills, until only
three are left.  (Marge, being one of them.)

From the sideline, peering through the smoke & burning wreckage, Marge can't
decide who to ram...a toss up between Maude Flanders & Helen Lovejoy,
fearing that either might take offence.  But, that decision is made for her
when Helen makes the first move.  RAMMMMMMMM!  One more out of the race
(Helen).  Now it's only Marge & Maude left, both women drive their cars
around the fallen, playing cat & mouse, looking for a chance kill.  Marge's
hair, now sticking out of Homer's new sun-roof, blows freely in the wind.
(Homer in the grandstands, ``Give her hell, Marge!'')

As the two determined women drive relentlessly around, dust kicks up, 
mixing with the already smoke & fire, making visibility poor.  Maude slips 
up, her car get's stuck, Marge makes her kill, but visibility being so 
poor, she doesn't know exactly where Maude is, she drives straight into the 
smoke. Crashhhhh! From the smoke, we hear a ``Oh, dear!''.  As the smoke 
clears, we see a very wrecked lone car drive off, by the blue hair sticking 
out from the top, we know it's Marge.  Having won the derby, but at the 
cost of breaking a arm & leg, Marge is rushed off to the hospital, with 
family & the twins in toll.

At the hospital, as they pull casts on Marge, Homer fantasizes about what 
he's going to do with her winnings.  But after the I.R.S. takes their cut, 
and paying hospital bills, Marge tells Homer that the remaining money (say 
$1,500) goes towards buying a used car (or repairing the old car.)  Homer 
gives a ``D'oh!''.

[end of car derby bit]

With Marge laid up in bed, Homer will have to take care of the family & the
house. (But the kids `will' help him.)  This is where Homer becomes a mommy.
Some gags I have thought up so far:


Kitchen gag:

% In the kitchen Homer prepares supper (Bologna sandwiches).  Marge is
% upstairs in bed, listening to him.

Homer: [eyes wandering around kitchen]  Marge, what do you use to cut the
       bread?
Marge: A knife, you find it in the second drawer.
Homer: [to himself]  I knew that!  [he reaches for the wrong drawer]
Marge: No, I said the second drawer!
Homer: [stops, reaches for the correct drawer] Oh, Check!


Food shopping gag:

% With Maggie in toll, Homer proceeds down a section.  Staring at Marge's
% food list, he places items in the cart.  Maggie decides to test Homer's
% patience by tossing a glass jar from the cart.  Crashhhhh!  Homer just
% stares ahead.
%
% As Homer turns around a corner, he comments ``Jezzz, Marge was wrong,
% Maggie's ok!''.  Behind him, the floor is littered with broken glass &
% food items.
%
% Homer brings his cart to the Cashier, note that he didn't buy anything on
% Marge's food-list.  At the Cashier, he spots Ned Flanders.

Homer: [mucking]  Hey, Flanders, I can see who wears the pants in your
       family!  [obliviously, he sees himself doing food shopping is being
       quite different than Ned doing it.]
Ned:   [raises a fist up & down] Hey, Simpson, I see you're out providing
       for your family too?  Bagged a T-bone steak yet?
Homer: [walks cart over] Shut up, Flanders.

% Homer decides to muck Ned further by going through Ned's cart of items
% (all Environmental friendly of course).  However, Homer's mucking stops
% when he sees something that catches his eyes.

Homer: [bugged eyed, finger pointing] T-T-Two-ply toilet paper!?
Ned:   [slightly red-faced] Yes, the wife & I still have our little vices.
Homer: [a bit of drool runs down cheek]  Oh, how I envy you!

- Dave        "Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December; And
               each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor."
                                                                {The Raven}

E-mail: dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca
System 6626 (running waffle 1.64), Winnipeg, Manitoba. Canada (204) 269-0084