From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 4
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:53:39 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                  The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                            Chapter 4

                       A Hostile Creature


Continuing their reign of terror in the quadrant 146,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy and a security guard beam down to a planet covered
with rock and sand.

      "O'Malley, you go on ahead," says Kirk.

      "Yes, Sir!" he replies.

O'Malley scans every inch in front of him, his phaser at the ready at
all times.  Truly, he is the epitome of Star Fleet training.  Suddenly,
he sees something.  He frowns, puzzled.  Then, with a look of horror, he
screams.

      Kirk, Spock and McCoy come running.  McCoy takes out his
all-purpose-diagnostic-device.  WOOOOOO  "He's dead, Jim" he
concludes.  Kirk looks away.

      "Captain," says Spock.  "Look!"

      "What is it, Mr. Spock?" says Kirk.

      "Large tracks, freshly laid."

      "What does it mean?"

      "I suspect the creature that laid these tracks is the same one that
killed O'Malley."

      Kirk bites his lip.  "Options, gentlemen?" he says (after releasing
his lip).

      "I say we get the hell out of here!" says McCoy.

      "Or we track down the creature," says Spock.

      "I'm responsible for the men under my command," says Kirk.  "We
track down the creature."

      Following the tracks in the sand, they arrive at a cave.  Spock
activates his tricorder.  WOOOOOO

      "The creature is in there," says Mr. Spock.

      Suddenly, a loud roar is heard from inside the cave.

      "I see something," says McCoy.

      "Phasers on Maximum," says Kirk.  "On my command.  Fire!"

      ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

      Spock enters the cave.  "There's nothing left but ash.  It's a
shame we didn't get a chance to study the creature."

      "Sorry, Mr. Spock," says Kirk.  "Perhaps you should have said
something earlier."

      They leave.  Meanwhile, in the cave, a trace of the creature yet
lives and is growing.


      Many years pass.  The original Starship Enterprise is long
gone, having been destroyed in a conflict with Klingons.  A new starship
bears the name Enterprise, the fifth to do so.  It is this starship
that now orbits the same planet that the original Enterprise orbitted
a century ago.

The ship's Captain, Jean-Luc Picard,
is in his ready room which adjoins the bridge.

"Captains's Log, stardate 41880.8.  The distress signal from Vega Colony
was followed by information
concerning a hostile creature on the planet surface.  I have asked
my first officers to assemble in the conference room.  Log entry over."

Soon, Picard is in conference with First Officer Commander William Riker,
Lieutenant Commander Councellor Deanna Troi,
Second Officer Lieutenant Commander Data,
Security Chief Lieutenant Worf, Chief Engineer Lieutenant Geordi LaForge,
Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien, Chief Medical Officer Doctor
Beverly Crusher and her son, Acting Ensign Wesley Chrusher.

Picard: "It seems we have a problem: a hostile creature."

Riker: "We should plan our strategy."

Worf: "I say we should kill it."

Troi: "I sense that it is not malevalent; it's just confused."

Data: "Am I to understand that confusion is sufficient cause for
       hostility?"

O'Brien: "We could beam it aboard and put it in a containment field."

Worf: "And kill it!"

Doctor Crusher: "But Worf, it's a living thing!"

Geordi: "That's just it: I've been studying it and I can't figure
          out what keeps it alive."

Wesley: "I know!  No matter what equation I use, no matter what
         parameters I use, it just doesn't make sense."

Worf: "I still say we should kill it."

Wesley: "Wait!  I think I've got it!"

Picard: "What is it?"

Wesley: "If I use this equation and substitute in imaginary parameters
         then that leads to the sort of effects were seeing.  That
         means it's siphoning energy from another dimension!"

Geordi: "Good work, Wesley!"

Worf: "Does this mean were not going to kill it?"

Picard: "Geordi, I want you, Data, O'Brien and Wesley to come up with
a way of slowing the rate at which it draws energy, weakening it enough
for us to be able to handle it safely."

Geordi: "We'll get right on it!"

Picard: "Good, keep me informed."

They all get up to leave except Worf.  He remains seated, deep in thought.
"I still say we should kill it and be done with it," he says, finally,
after they've all left.  He shakes his head and leaves the room.

NEXT: "Historical Accuracy"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca