Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: Definition of "monogamy"?
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 14:02:00 +0000


The door opens gently and a nose snuffles through the crack made in 
the door. First a whisker pops through and then a snout -- it is now 
that anyone that has bothered to look in the direction of the door 
realises that Clive -- the ex-partner of Mary  -- is considering 
walking into the room.

"Oh hang it", he mutters to himself and gently walks through. He's a 
reddish human sized fox (vulpiform), on hind feet, bushy tail -- he 
wears a grey trenchcoat and a brown satchel is strapped around his 
shoulder -- (don't ask what's in the satchel), his boots are dirty, 
he hasn't groomed himself in nearly eight *weeks* (and for a 
vulpiform that's a serious ommission), but he still looks cute. He's 
a bit tired and road weary, but there's a hint of a smile around his 
jowels. The warmth of the room, the happy (and sometimes not so 
happy) sounds of chatter and clinking and crashing of glasses sounds 
like a place to be and to rest his wearly head, preferably just above 
a jug of tequila, salted rim, no ice, no cherry -- just the way 
vulpiforms like their tequila).
    He looks over at Mary and Ignatz holding hands in some dark corner and smiles a b
it more, it's a real smile. Not one borne out of pain o
 out of being 'strong' or 'macho'. Goodness knows how many times he's tried being lik
e other 'model' men, strong, unemotional, unfeeling. Th
t's in the past now. He *is* emotional (and proud of it), he *is* 
feeling and caring and sensitive, he speaks his mind, he has a light 
in his brown eyes that is beginning to get brighter. He learned how 
to let go of things he no longer needs or wants months ago. He sees 
Kateri and his heart flutters, he fights the urge to go over to her 
side of the bar and say "hello" -- time of that later. He needs to do 
this alone.
    "I'll have a Tequila please Mike. Salted rim, no ice, no cherry and... and that'l
l be my 'usual' from now on. The name's Tanais by the w
y" He said looking around the room again, this time from the 
proximity of the bar, the blue light casting an eerie glow off of his 
reddish mane "...and yes, it *is* one of the rivers that flows past 
Troy. Someone in my family was a military strategist and had a sense 
of humour..." at this he flashes his white but sharp and delicate 
teeth.
    Tanais sits at a stool designed (more or less) for his anatomy and looks into the
 jug.
    "Non monogamy huh? That's an interesting discussuion, and of course everything Ma
ry says is right. It's up to the *individual*, but when
you're *not* an individual -- when you've, for whatever reason, 
swallowed your thoughts and beleifs -- your identity in the other 
half, then you don't think of behave like an individual, you behave 
like a compromise.
   "Take, for example my particular beliefs. I'm Bisexual. That means I'm sexually an
d emotionally compatible with both men and women. I'm a
so attracted to other species. Mind you, I'm not attracted to *all* 
men and women. I'm *very* selective about whom I sleep with or even 
whom I let touch me (please offer a hug before giving them -- even 
virtual ones), but something happened in my life that made me realise 
that I didn't have a life -- that I was searching for happiness 
through someone else's experiences. I didn't voice my opinions and 
thoughts... thoughts that were incompatible with our then 
relationship because I was too afraid of the consequences of 'letting 
go' of the comfort and security of that relationship.
    "Two things happened in my life -- roughly about the same time. Firstly, I found 
a councellor, someone to whom I could release this stuf
 that was forcefully bottled up inside me. Secondly I met a girl in the northlands of
 the island where I live; she is... beautiful. She show
d me that I could have a relationship without 'grabbing', without the 
frightening feeling of joining with someone and losing one's 
identity. Don't get me wrong, I know that a healthy relationship is 
based to trust and sharing and not submerging one's 'self' in the 
other, but that was over eight years ago, it was my first ever major 
relationship. I learned a lot, but I paid a price as well.
    "The story is a long one, and I only have my fifteen minutes of fame, so I won't 
bore you with the details but I was abused and raped be
ween the ages of six and ten, I dealt with it as only a kid could -- 
I bottled it up and kept it a secret. That manifested itself in 
strange behaviours in later life and now the whole story has been 
released I... I guess I don't want secrets any more. *but I don't 
want sympathy*", Tanais growled into his jug as he took another gulp. 
"I just want to be listened and... and to be *believed*. The times I 
tried telling people as a kid and they didn't believe me because I 
botched the telling of the story... but that's all in the past now, 
that's for other people to hear.
    "One thing led to the other -- Mary saw a stranger developing in front of her and
 she didn't know how to deal with it or in ways to help
me. I pushed her away so many times because I wasn't sure what I was 
turning into.
    "I was told that I would be a horrible monster if I told anyone, that if anyone f
ound out, my family would disown me." Tanais started to
laugh bitterly into his jug, now drained of half it's contents. 
"Well, I disowned them long ago, in quiet, subtle ways, but I 
disowned them for sure. I'm now a stranger in their eyes when I walk 
through the door or speak to them over a comm-link" 
    Tanais took off his trench coat -- resting it on the floor in front of him and ge
ntly placed the satchel on top of the pile. "Now I've s
arted to become more like what I really want to be, who I really am. 
I think I'm a nice person... but I'm stranger nonetheless -- even to 
myself in many ways.     "I went away. I needed to grow, to re-learn 
who or what I was. I learned about feelings, about sex without guilt, 
I also learned a bit more about love and then I realised I had so 
much love in me that it could swamp one person, it nearly did swamp 
the girl from the northlands until she said just that, 'I'm being 
swamped', so I pulled back, confused and worried that it was 
something to do with the abuse. Then I met another girl (again in the 
northlands) I was open and honest about my feelings for her and 
eventually we *all* became lovers -- but not for long. The second 
girl wanted more from her career so she and I drifted apart. Whilst 
taking nearly two months off of work, I tried to take my life by an 
overdose of quite powerful neuro-drugs (50 tablets of Carbamazepine). 
I pulled myself back from the brink without anyone else's help and, 
apart from a recent attempt, I realised just prior to opening the 
saloon door that I *wanted* to live more than I wanted to die. My 
suicide fantasies are over and behind me... for the forseeable future 
which, admittedly, is only about a day or so.
    "Apart from a brief (but incredibly enjoyable and passionate) encounter recently 
with someone across the waters, and with whom I'm proud
to call my friend, I've distanced myself from the north. I want... 
no, I *need* to develop friendships. I need friends, I enjoy sex with 
friends and lovers and I've now learned how not to grab or to not 
feel jealous... But I still need to learn about being held in the 
arms of someone without feeling they're going to rape me, 
Occasionally I worry that I sometimes have sex in order to say "hey, 
I'm a nice fox aren't I?", and often I trash that idea because I 
don't enter into these things for purely selfish reasons, I'm also 
concerned about the other partner's happiness when we make love or 
have sex.  
    "That is my story, it's not got much to do with Monogamy or Polyamoury I know. I 
guess I'm 'spreading my wings' at the moment. I'm being
safe. I've been tested (and found negative) for HIV and other nasties 
and I practice safer sex with whoever/whatever I sleep with. I don't 
know if what Mary says is completely true. I don't know If I *am* 
polyamorous. I do know that I don't want a relationship like I had 
before -- but that may all change. I may find a nice fox or vixen 
that will want me with no-one else invloved and I will feel the same 
for them. If that happens then I will consider it. Perhaps serial 
monogamy may work. I dunno.
    "One thing's for sure. I'm here now. It's taken three years to join you. but I'm 
here. And... and I have a life."
    At this, Tanais finishes his jug of Tequila (don't worry, the adult vulpiform met
abolism can handle at least three of these suckers befo
e even 'feeling' drunk). He lifts it in the direction of Mary and 
Ignatz and says "to love", he makes a wide arc around the bar "...and 
to friendships" and hurls the jug into the fireplace.
--
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| When I grow up, I want to give up being   |cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk|
| a Journalist and learn how to write...    |                          |
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|       Bisexual knitter of quality and distinction since 1992.        |
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