From: anon-1557@twwells.com (Luke)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: would like email friends
Date: 12 Jan 93 20:16:03 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Name: Luke
ANON-Announce: yes

Hi everyone,

I have been reading this group for about a month, and many things I have
read have made me realize that perhaps I was also a victim when a young child.
What I wish for are a few people whom I can communicate with over email,
to help me overcome the issues that I am struggling with, and vice versa.

About me:

I am a male, 29, and married for eight months.

Some of the characteristics that would point to my being 
abused are: low self-esteem, afraid of emotional closeness, 
feel very cranky when wake up from sleep and feel angry if I am woken up; 
very bad memory, and very few recollections from my childhood;
and the two feelings (which seem contradictory to me) of
a certain boredom for sexual intercourse, and an almost irrepressible desire
to look at women with scanty clothing (especially bare legs), also a constant 
urge to become emotionally close to women.

A few things from my childhood that I do remember are:
My younger sister was born when I was 1 year and 4 months. When my mother was
in the hospital, I felt very lonely and abandoned by her, and missed her a
lot.
Also, during that time, we used to live in a joint family with my
grandparents.
And it was my grandparents who took care of me, and they were especially 
attached and loving to me, although in general they were very strict
and unloving people. But I remember being very scared of my grandfather
always, and remember him slapping me once when I must have been about 4 for
something which was not my fault at all. I also remember him once getting
angry for something and I peeing in my pants (again, I must have been about
4). I have an older brother, and since my grandparents always took my side
and scolded him for any trouble in the house, my mother automatically took
my brother's side, and that must have made me feel unloved by her. 

I don't have any recollections of sexual abuse, but I wonder if emotional 
abuse is what my grandfather's actions could be called.

My marriage is very very happy, but there are a couple of things that bother
us both. One is my obsessiveness with other women. I am always looking
at them, and always trying to get into emotionally intimate conversations
with the women I know. This bothers my wife tremendously, and every
time I do it (in person or on the phone), she gets extremely upset, and
feels that I don't love her, which brings me to the second point: I find
myself incapable of feeling emotions, except in very moving situations,
and I also find that I don't really know how to truly love someone.

Do some people out there relate to this? Will you consider responding?
Thanks in advance.

- Luke



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