From: pjswan@engin.umich.edu (Peter Swanson)
Subject: Re: Relationships: HS/College and Home/School - 
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 92 23:33:44 EDT
Organization: University of Michigan Engineering, Ann Arbor

In article <1992Oct10.181418.5701@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> ncole@nyx.cs.du.edu (Noah Cole) writes:
>I am wondering if any of you have been involved in relationships with people
>not in the samne level of school (i.e College Student in relationships with
>people still in High School) and also pople who are not at your college but 
>"back home".
>
>I am going out with someone who is still in High School (I am a first year
>in college) back in New Hampshire, which is 1300 miles from Minnesota where I
>am.  There are ups and downs are uysual...
>
>My question is who out there has an experience in this dort of thing? Do they,
>as everyone tels me, never work out and always end? Let me hear your
>thoughts.  Thanks
>
>-Noah Cole, Heat, rather "Heartsick in Minnesota"

First of all, I think it is a little silly to worry about
relationships never ending, especially if you are a freshman.
The reality is that most relationships will end, regardless
of their conditions.  This is a Fact Of Life.  Personally, I would
consider it unhealthy to only date one person in your lifetime,
but hey, it's your life.  

I have neither seen nor heard of one of these high school/college
relationships leading to marriage, even when in the same town.
I think they end up breaking up mostly because most people change very
rapidly between the ages of 18-25, and what you like in a person when
you are 18 is very different from what you like when you are 21 or 25.
Of course, if she ends up going to the same college this could change,
but I've never heard of it happening.  I can't imagine a relationship
working out if you spend several years away from each other before
you are 25.  I also know of many people who were married in this
age range and were later divorced.  Presumably, a lot of the reasons
for divorce will also apply to relationships.

Your interests will also change rapidly, and you will meet many people
in college who are both charming and have very similar interests to you.
You don't have a lot of people to choose from in high school, so that
the person most compatible with you in high school may not ultimately
be the most compatible with you in the long-term.   The pool of people
that you meet in college will tend to be pre-weeded in the sense that
the people that you meet in classes, activities, and parties will 
already have a lot in common with you.  You might meet someone you
are much more compatible with.  (Another reason these things tend
not to work.)

If she doesn't go to college, this is another reason the relationship
could fail.  Many people without college educations feel inferior
or intimidated around people with degrees, so this could end up
being an albatross for you.  If she doesn't pursue the same major
as you, you will become experts in different subjects and won't
be able to discuss them beyond a superficial level with each other,
which could develop into a serious communication problem and one
less thing you will have in common.

I do, however, know of many long-distance relationships that have
succeeded.  In every instance, the couple know each other very well
before their seperation and kept in close contact throughout the
seperation.  This is my second year at Michigan while my fiancee
is an undergrad at Minnesota, and our wedding is scheduled for next
summer.  There are a lot of problems to overcome regarding the
future, including who will move where, whose job is more important,
etc.  In this type of relationship, one person has to be clearly
dominant.  If you both want to seriously pursue careers, particularly
if you don't have much choice of what city your job is in, you
might as well forget it.  One person will probably have to sacrifice
some aspect of his/her career for the other's career.  

You also must have a very deep commitment to each other.  Otherwise,
you will be tempted to see other people and be suspicious that your
partner is seeing other people.  Suspicion will poison and kill a
relationship.

You must communicate, often and copiously.  You should write letters
or talk on the phone to each other every day.  This keeps you from
drifting too far apart, and helps dispell suspicion.  It also sends
the meta-message that "I care about you enough to go out of my way
to talk to you."  This is especially important if you feel like you
don't have enough time to do it, because it sends the message that
"You are more important to me than my work", which is important for
non-trivial relationships.  If there is some reason you can't send
a letter or call, tell your partner in advance.  There is no excuse
short of being in a coma or dead for failing to communicate
regularly.  Daily communication also keeps
you thinking about your partner, and your partner thinking about you. 
If you can't keep this up for a long time, you might as well end
the relationship now because it won't last.

Don't bitch/moan/whine about your conditions too often to your
partner (or other people, for that matter).  It's a real turn off,
and often leaves your partner with bad feelings about you.  Be
sure to tell your partner in explicit terms why you like him/her
("I love you" is often not enough).  Read self-help books in your
spare time to learn how to give yourself and your partner a positive
attitude about your relationship.  ("How to Win Friends and Influence People",
"Light Her Fire/Light His Fire", "I Just Don't Understand You", etc.)
Since you won't be going out on dates, you should have a lot of free
time.  Don't let a single upsetting conversation spoil your thoughts
of your partner (if this keeps up for weeks, though, there's a
serious problem).

Go out of your way to let your partner know you are thinking about
him/her.  Send flowers, little gifts, anniversary cards, etc.
aperiodically (not once a week).  Keep track of things that your
partner will forget (like obscure anniversaries, special dates, etc.)
and send something to remind him/her of them.  Every once in a while,
send something for no particular reason.  If you can't afford to
ship them, tell him/her that you got him/her something and make
a show of presenting the gifts the next time you see each other.
This is fertilizer for any relationship, and is especially important
for long-distance relationships.  Hell, it even works on parents
and siblings.

When you do see each other, spend every possible moment together.
If you can get away with living together, do it.  Plan definite
events in advance of when you see each other, not "we'll have to
do something".  Spend at least half your time alone together.
Don't wait until you get home to arrange this, or it won't happen.
Be prepared to turn down demands from your friends and family
in order to spend time alone together.  Expect relationships
with friends and family to grow more distant because of this.
If you aren't comfortable with this, you are better off without
a long-distance relationship.  This, of course, does not apply
to normal (local) relationships.

Don't expect your relationship to be the same as when you left.
My fiancee and I take about a week before we feel comfortable with
each other again; it seems like you are with a total stranger for
a while because you both will have changed while you were apart.
Don't attempt sex, making out, etc., (no matter how horny you are!)
until you are both comfortable with the idea and with each other again. 
Don't be disappointed or upset with your partner if you don't get a chance
for intimacy, particularly if you are only home for a few days (e.g., over
thanksgiving).

Make sure that you both have many photos of each other.  You'd be
suprised how easy it is to forget what someone looks like if you
haven't seen them in a long time.  This helps keep you thinking about
each other.

Make plans for the future.  If your plan is "whatever happens,
happens", don't expect a future together.  Discuss contingencies
so that your relationship isn't destroyed by a misunderstanding
or an unexpected event.  Typical situations: "What if I don't
get a job?  What if you can't go to college here?  What if I can't
come home for the summer?"  Don't be afraid to discuss unpleasant
possibilities, and don't let them sour your relationship.

Take responsibility for your actions.  Don't get drunk and
kiss/sleep/whatever with somebody, and then blame it on the alcohol.
Expect the same from your partner.  Remember that every decision
you make has an impact on your relationship, and act accordingly.
Set definite priorities for yourself, and make them clear to
your partner (in this case, they seem to be "1. School
2. Relationship").  This helps avoid bad feelings and unnecessary
heartbreak when (not "if") a conflict occurs.


Well, that's all I could think of.  Lotsa luck!
-- 
| Peter J. Swanson                   |  pjswan@caen.engin.umich.edu    |
| PhD Pre-Candidate                  |  controls specialist            |
| Electrical Engineering:Systems     |                                 |
| University of Michigan             |                                 |
Newsgroups: soc.college