Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: "Cheating"
Date: Sat, 02 Jan 1993 21:34:14 -0600

 SP> Elise@p19.f341.n282.z1.tdkt.kksys.com (Elise) writes:

 >   This is pretty close to how I feel about it.  Whenever 
 > possible I like to talk with the "someone else" just as 
 > a matter of general friendliness, and also to satisfy my 
 > curiousity... [..]

 >   If anyone doesn't want me to talk to their "someone 
 > else", I get just a bit nervous as to whether there's a 
 > secret being kept here.

 SP> Elise, could you elaborate for us a bit on how you 
 SP> deal with this situation beyond "getting nervous". 
 SP> Obviously, any sane person is (at least in general) 
 SP> not going to want to get involved with someone who is 
 SP> being deceptive about said involvement with their 
 SP> other partner(s). Sooo... if you can't meet the other 
 SP> party, what do you do? Back away from the situation 
 SP> entirely?  Are there other specific methods you can 
 SP> use to assure yourself that no deception is involved?  
 SP> Or do you just rely on "gut feel" and play it by ear?

   Okay.  Generally, most of the folks that I become interested in polyamorously
are involved in one or another community that I belong to; I tend to meet people
within some ongoing context, like SF fandom, SCA, the folkie community, people
interested in ASL, people into small planes, various spiritual/religious
communities, the sm/leather world, etc.  If these folks have SOs, many times
their SOs are also part of the same community, and that's one way I can meet
them.  I'm pretty direct, and like having a 3-way conversation (or, ideally,
4-way, as my dear Juan has better bullshit detectors than I do...and given
recent discussions, it may expand to a 5-way discussion in the near future) with
me, the person in question, and their SO...presuming *their* SO is singular.  In
certain poly-rich communities, this might look like a small convention!  (Then 
again, given that some of these conversations have indeed taken place in just
that setting, why not?)
   Note that the above-mentioned stuff is my ideal, i.e. the way I would most
like to have it.  Time and space often don't work that way, which is too bad, as
it's much harder to miscommunicate about intent and ground rules when all
interested parties are in on the discussion.  More often, I am presented with a
choice.  Do I go ahead and act on an attraction before getting a chance to talk
with the SO (and, very occasionally, my SO)?  Or do I wait?
   I generally wait.  I've had some flash-in-the-pants quick attractions that
faded pretty darn fast, but I've never regretted getting to know someone better
before being intimate.  Besides, as far as I'm concerned, it's all foreplay, and
if foreplay and longing ain't delicious, honey, you might as well put me in the
ground and throw dirt on me, 'cause that's how you'll know I'm dead.
   If *anything* the Object of My Affections says indicates to me that they are
uncomfortable or reluctant about me talking to their SO, I wait.  Period.  That
one's just one of my idiosyncracies, but it keeps this kid from getting in deep
doodoo sometimes.  If somebody could keep me a secret from their SO, with whom
they presumably have a lot stronger bond, who knows what they'll neglect to
mention to me?  Their HIV status?  (Actually, I assume everyone is positive, and
play accordingly.  Latex is my friend.  So that one packs less of an emotional
wallop for me than it might for others.) 
   In those cases where I feel the person is an honest, honorable sort, and
where I am unlikely to get to meet the SO for some reason, I ask mutual friends
for references.  (No, I don't "out" anyone as poly.  I'm very careful about that
stuff, as I am about sexual preference, as I believe people have the right to
choose their own levels and timing of coming out.  Though I may not choose to be
intimate with certain people at particular levels of "outness" [usually closeted
folk] just because that's one of *my* likes/dislikes.)  If possible,
former/current lovers are excellent references, though I must say that the
community I'm in most places a high value on remaining affectionate to former
sweeties, and that's a foundation for the sort of reference I want. (This is
kind of circular, because it puts the SO back in the pool of "most desired
references.")
   I must add here that I'm pretty out-front, in-yer-face honest, and so dealing
with folks that way is my preferred mode.  Although I can certainly keep a
confidence, I don't prefer to be around folks who feel a need to sneak, which to
me is a particular thing *not* to be confused with exercising discretion.  (My
dear friend Debbie Notkin, bless 'er, once said that asking me to look inside
and honestly face the truth about something I felt or wanted was "like asking
Mother Teresa to do something nice for somebody someday."  Nicest compliment
I've ever gotten.)
   
   Sorry it rambles.  Hope it's of use.