From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Many things
Date: 24 Jan 93 05:58:16 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hello...  There are thousands of things spinning in my mind right now, and I
don't know where to begin...

I have 3 letters that I wrote, and am going to put them up in the order that
they were written.  BTW:

        ***  SPOILER WARNING ***

Contains: Friends telling lies to friends, thoughts of suicide, self
mutilation, religious spoilers, and that black icky core that has been
described many times on asar.

Letter #1 written at work last night (1/24/93, around 12:15am)

<><><><><><>

ASAR Readers-

        Warning - This message is going to contain dealings with magic(k), and
I'm going to look like a loon to many people here.  I take this work very
seriously, and is deeply tied in with my Paganistic religious beleifs.  I m
*NOT* trying to "push" religion onto anyone, but wish to make very clear how
firmly attached to these beleifs I am.  I'm not up to arguing the validity of
magic(k), now being involved in a religious war.  All (mindless) flames sent
directly to /dev/null.

        Last night I received a "distress call" - felt it, no phones.  Tonight
I found out that it was a friend in a shitty mood due to a breakup with a SO. 
Then I got another one.  No idea why or from who - I called the people it might
have been from and everything's ok.  (Well, I still have been unable to contact
1 person.)  Constant distress call for over an hour now.  Can't concentrate
properly with this thing blaring!

        I set up 3 circles (like a gyroscope) up around me, and then made them
spheres.  Made lots of healing energy, but only slightly muted the distress
call.  Conjure up 2 more circles and into spheres (on 2 axises besides he
standard 3 dimensions in space).  Highlu muted the alarm.  Not as bad as now. 
Still can't contact the last person.

        I felt a rotting core inside of me.  The abuse and ugliness.  Black,
sticky, oily,  Bad black, not the comforting black of night.  Destructive. 
Forced general negativity and the like down an arm and into the earth, burying
and destroying it.  The core feeling much stronger.  Damn.  Force it out and
down the arm with everything else.  Pain.  Energy not releasing.  Loosen the
spigot (for lack of better terms).  Now it's flowing out.  Much gone now.  Some
remains, can't get rid of it all yet.

Bozo janitor shows up and sat down to join me.  (I'm at work, BTW)  Asshole is
on parole for battery, and about to land back in jail on new charges (brought
forth by his (now) ex-wife.)  Be subtle with magical working.  He never caught
on, but considers me to be a friend.  Ugh.  I just show professional curtousy
while on the job, and he calls it friendship.  Jerk.

        He's gone now.  Reinforce workings, little more happens, so I write
this letter about ridding of the black oozing interiour that others here say
they have.  Beautiful people talking about being ugly.  Saddens me.  Hope this
letter helps.  Willing to write meditation out in detail if there is interest.

        Cloister,  What's the word on putting the post on ritual abuse and
survivors in the FAQ?

        Excuse me while I let go and try to rid myself of this back pain.  I'm
scared.  Alarm still sounding and I can't reach the last person.  Is she okay?

<><><><><><>

Editors note:  I found out shortly after writing this that she was fine. 
Couldn't reach her because she wasn't home...

Onto letter #2

<><><><><><>

<Name Deleted>

        Congradulations, you mananaged to wound me yet again.

        You lied to me.  I find that my faith in you as a close friend is
crumbling rapidly.

        Why choose to deceive me regarding trivial matters that effect nothing?
 I specificlly asked you earlier on if you intended to be truthful to me
regarding life.  No bullshit.  Yet I'm handed a crap and am supposed to like
it.  Congradulations, you have chosen the quickest path to end out freindship. 
I don't tolerate lies from anyone, let alone people I trust my darkest secrets
with.  And you have them, even if you don't realize it.  I don't need this
shit.

        And yes, the room arrangements are still on for Capricon.  You haven't
managed to destroy this friendship yet.  I still beleive in you.  Pleast don't
make me say goodbye, for it would be the only way to keep my sanity after what
we've been through -- if you were to completely become <name of alternate self
deleted>, the lieing little cunt.

                Krikket, Doug, and 6-3-0

(Yes, we 3 agree on something for once.  Some of the unnamed ones argue
though.)

P.S.  May I offer a hearty FUCK YOU! while you throw shit in muy face?

<><><><><><>

Fortunately, I realized that the above was a bit too extreme, and then wrote
the following letter a few hours later.

<><><><><><>

<Name Deleted>,

        Earlier tonight on the phone, you told me to call back when I got off
work, which was established to be 4am.  4:30 by the time I got home.

        Before I continue cronologiclly, I'm going to tell you how important
the next phone conversation we had was.  I felt shocked, betrayed, and angered.
 I wrote a 2 page letter in which I decided that "bitch" wasn't strong enough
and called you a "little cunt".  Then I did rounds.  While on rounds, I was
thinking and thought that is this, one of my closest friendships, meant so
little; then the rest of my friendships must be worth nothing, and people
probably consider me to be a pest.  I contemplated suicide (and haven't ruled
it out as of the writing of this letter), and realized a new way I could do it
any time of day or night, and it was guaranteed to kill me.  I obviously
didn't.  Reason:  I decided to give myself 24 hours, and if I still wanted to
at the end of that time, THEN I would do so.

        In short, the conversation meant a hell of a lot.  But now we continue
where I left off.

        I called earlier, because I desprately needed to talk to someone.  I
was in a bad state to begin with.  You answered, and told me that you couldn't
talk because someone was going to pick you up soon, and you wanted to catch a
little sleep.  I agreed, and asked, to confirm, that at 4:30 you would be
there.  You said you wouldn't be. And you said you knew it when you first told
me to call then.

        In short, you confessed to telling a lie.

        Less than a month ago you promised that the end of the lies would end
there.  I was immediately shocked, and sat in silence.  Then I rudely hung up
on you.  Called back a few minutes later to apologize though...  :)  Then we
continue with the above where I was speaking of how much it meant to me.

        I have told you before that I *CANNOT* deal with lies.  Not now.  Too
fucking many other things are going on, and this friendhsip means to much to
me.  Stop playing the hot / cold games.  If you choose not to, then I am
exerting my right to protect myself and my sanity.  The relationship we have
shall go back to that of con friends -- people who only talk and see each other
at the cons.  We both know of this sort of friendship.  Perhaps it would be for
the best.

        Please tell me your thoughts.

<><><><><><>

        I ended up getting a hold of her at 5am that day.  She claimed that she
was asleep and probably misunderstood a question.  She knew I was ticked off,
but didn't know why.  I'm willing to give her the benifit of doubt, and let
things ride.  But she knew something was wrong, (and knew me fairly well), and
had me summarize the 2nd letter I wrote anyways.  I did, and she was shocked at
herself, and asked me to forgive her.  I did.

Why can't this shit just go away for once and all, and then STAY AWAY???

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery