From: fsjm@icomp01.lerc.nasa.gov (Joseph Mathew)
Subject: Extra-marital relationships
Organization: NASA Lewis Research Center, Cleveland, OH
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1992 23:39:18 GMT



	At what point does an extra-marital relationship violate 
the natural expectations from a marriage?  Is a sexual act the 
boundary or have you crossed the boundary even before?

	I think it's a tad more likely in our culture with the 
(usually) arranged marriages and the somewhat greater ease of 
association of women with men after the woman is married, to find 
many friendships.  Without quite viewing it as a spectrum, let me 
divide the friendships into affairs, by which I mean that sexual 
expression is an integral part, suppressed affairs, in which sexual 
expression is desired but not expressed and those in which sexual
feelings, if any, are repressed.  Could be your new brother-in-law
who seems to understand your particular perspective more closely 
than your husband ever seems to.  It begins with, perhaps, an
improbable, shared position on a complex issue that gets you 
wondering.

	Do you understand marriage to mean such boundaries?  Are
these friendships acceptable as long as sexual feelings are not 
entertained?  This, especially, is addressed to those who've taken 
the position that it ought to be considered as a physical activity
alone---biological needs with clinical solutions---and who have,
or can at will divest sexual expression of emotional content.
I take it then, that you couldn't reasonably be affronted if the 
relationship was purely sexual; you would merely take a 'policy' 
decision as to whether or not your marriage should be sustained 
alongside the ongoing, purely physical affair. Right?

	Will you tolerate your spouse's friendships as long as they 
are not as close as the one between the two of you?  Do you feel
offended or do you just think that you ought to feel offended?
(I wonder about all those wives in polygamous societies; 
notwithstanding their lack of choice in the matter, didn't some of 
the wives just 'share' without resentment?)  Or, do you understand 
that eventually, if your wife meets enough people, she will find 
someone she'd like to have as a closer friend.  I think this is 
the point at which some discipline---a peculiar trait expected of 
adults---is called for.  She shouldn't suddenly paint her whole 
existing relationship black and run off with the new-found friend.  
But that's farther afield than I want to go with this.  Does
the marriage breakdown at this point?  Should we go back to, 
segregating the sexes, or more aptly, prevent (:-)) the desegregation ?
Because, the chances of such closer friendships are quite high.





	[0] If Icarus can stay cool enough, he can fly for ever,
	    even unto the center of the sun.  There be demons there,
	    aplenty, but you do want a stimulating audience to
	    share your traveller's tales with whilst you pause on 
	    your journey, don't you?

	[ ] If a.c.k takes off, and becomes representative of malayalis,
	    it should spawn a longing for a million subgroups, though
	    sheer laziness would keep it to just n+1.




	

-- 

Joseph Mathew

fsjm@bart.lerc.nasa.gov
Xref: sparky soc.culture.indian:26566 alt.culture.us.asian-indian:353 soc.culture.asian.american:7373