From: shiva@b30.ingr.com (Shiva Shivakumar)
Subject: Re: Marriages
Keywords: soc.culture.tamil
Organization: Intergraph
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1992 14:47:28 GMT

In article <Bvv7JF.556@ireq.hydro.qc.ca> srini@ireq-num.hydro.qc.ca (Srinivasan K.) writes:
>In article <2145@grivel.une.edu.au> gseshadr@neumann.une.edu.au (Govind) writes:
>>Recently i had been to Madras . I was really shocked to hear from one
>>of my friends about a marriage that took place recently (a fortnight back)
>>The groom was from the US and they really demanded a heavy amount from the
>>bride's family. Having lived in a society which is much more educated does
>>it seem to be barbaric to do such things? When are these things going to end 
>>in our society ? Kalam marinalum manidhargal maramattargala?
>>
>>I wouild like to see response regarding this . Let us try and stop this rut
>>which is taking place
>>
>>Govindarajan seshadri
>>email : gseahadr@neumann.une.edu.au
>
>One may be upset. But how prevalent is the dowry practice among American
>educated people? You can not generalize. Is there any statistics?
>There are quite a large number of cases to collect some statistics.
>From what I hear, it is rare. No boy asks for 'Maruti' car, which he
>can not bring to US.
>
>Actually, most that the girl's parents worry, quite justifyably is whether
>the boy had/still has other affairs, committements, which the boy
>or their parents have chosen to hide.
>
>I somehow carry the opinion, dowry problem is on the decrease in Tamil
>Nadu, particularly among the educated people, (Anyway most have nothing
>much to offer anyway).
>


When we take any issue such as dowry problem, we unfortunately have to bring
in the caste system. I know most of us would like to see castes disappear but
it is going to be tough. Lifestyles, cusines, customs have evolved around caste
divisions and each caste in Tamilnadu today represents a sub-culture. If you
asked me to comment on dowry trends in Tamilnadu, I can only talk about brahmins. I am quite ignorant of practices in other communities. The definition of dowry
itself is hazy. In brahmin context, that refers to the cash paid by bride's family to groom's family. I would like to add to this the demands made by groom's
side for a scooter etc. On the other hand, the bride's family picks up the
tab for the groom's suit and sometimes 'reward' him with a ring. The groom's
side also buy a silk saree and a chain for the bride. I do not like to include
these things not because I approve of these things but my experience is when
we are trying to change the system we have  to do it step by step. Let's say
a guy does not demand/accept dowry but he accepts these 'gifts'. One can still
criticize him for not refusing these but we should recognize that we have to crawl before we walk.

Coming to the caste factor, we need reforms within each communities, the
format and nature of these could differ. I can say that in middle class brahmin
community, dowry is on the decline. When someone refuses dowry, in some way he
influences his younger brothers, cousins etc  and things get better and better.
It's hard for me to look at my Christian neighbour and learn much because too
many things are different. 

The increase in 'love marriages' (do to some reason, I do not like that term,
any suggestions nettors?) is also contributing to eradication of dowry.

Jagadisan Shivakumar