From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #113
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Summary: Read only Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 05:23:23 GMT


   /\                                    /\
   \ \    /\    /\      /\      /\  /\   \ \     TOXIC  CUSTARD
   /  \  /  \  / /\    /  \    / / / / /\/ /     WORKSHOP FILES
  / /\/ / /\/ / / /\  / /\ \  / / / /  \  /      --------------
 / /   / /    \  / / /  \ \/ / / / / /\/ /       Number     113               O
/ /    \ \     \  / / /\/   / / / /  \  /        14th September               k
\/------\/------\/--\/------\/--\/----\/         --------------               a
                                                                              y
The Paralympics for the psychically handicapped are currently underway        ,
in Barcelona. And after they've finished, next up is the Psycholympics,
a set of events specifically for athletes with disorders of the mind.         a
Events include:                                                               l
   - the paranoid marathon: the runners just keep running, because they       l
think there's someone after them. They run out of the stadium, get into
a taxi to the airport and get on the first plane out of the country           r
using a forged passport and a fake moustache                                  i
   - 100 metres freestyle for hydrophobics and people with water              g
fixations                                                                     h
   - agoraphobiacs' gymnastics, held *inside* the horse                       t
   - high-diving for barophobiacs'                                            ,
   - manic depressive sprint. Runners don't care if they win or lose,
they just want to die                                                         f
   - debating competitions for hysterics                                      a
   - schizophrenia relay running (one runner per team)                        i
   - psycho-somatic skeet shooting, where competitors imagine they have       r
a gun and the target is just a figment of their imagination due to the
stress of it all.                                                             e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       n
                                                                              o
THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BUM  Part Five                       u
                                                                              g
First, a quick precis.   Precis.                                              h
                                                                              ,
And now, on with the story. Mr Popsicle, secret agent from the
Australian Royal Security Establishment, and Inspector Unnecessary-           I
Violence from the police Deadly Extreme Anger Tactical Hit Squad, are         '
on the tail of notorious nasty bloke Reginald Completebastardprick, and       l
are also hoping to arrest the author, who has managed to string out a         l
meaningless story with no plot to five episodes (and counting).
    Having obtained all the information about Completebastardprick (or        b
'Prick, as he was known to his colleagues), Popsicle and the Inspector        u
began to cruise the streets looking for him. Normally they would have         y
cruised the streets in their super-cool speedmobile, which looked like
a fish, and drove like a fish, and spewed more pollution into the air         t
than a whale spews water up through that little hole in the top. But          h
the fact was that the speedmobile looked rather conspicuous for an            a
undercover operation, looking, as it did, like a giant moving fish on         t
wheels with genuine scales. And besides, it was broken down, so they          ,
got their zone 1 2 and 3 travelcards and jumped on a 246 bus, keeping
their eyes peeled.                                                            s
    Popsicle was the first to spot Completebastardprick's trademark "LA       u
Looters" cap (have we done that gag to death yet?), as well as the rest       r
of him, waiting on Richmond station for a Dandenong train, and he leapt       e
for the cord to get the bus to stop. As soon as the back door opened,         ,
the good guys tumbled out of bus and sprinted up the ramp to the
station, weaving through forty-thousand schoolkids on their way to the        f
Show. They got to the top just as the train pulled out, the guard in          i
the backmost doorway grinning smugly at them, enjoying their annoyance        n
immensely.                                                                    e
    A few minutes later they jumped onto the next train going the same
way, and as they pulled into Caulfield, spotted their quarry outside at       b
a tram stop. The Inspector, by now in a major rage (as opposed to his         y
more usual minor rage) foolishly let slip "Stopyoudickheadwe'rethegood-
guysandyou'reunderarrestandwe'regoingtothumpyoutooforwhatyoudidmother-        m
fuckersocomequietly" at a level of several hundred angry decibels.            e
    'Prick heard this, and jumped into the cab of the coming tram,            ,
waving a conveniently handy gun in the driver's face and ordering him
to go full speed down the street, leaving behind half a dozen enraged         c
passengers, four of whom decided on the spot to write to their MPs            o
about it, and they would have, too, if they'd known who their MPs were.       r
    Popsicle and the Inspector waved their ID's and travelcards in a          r
bus-driver's face and ordered him to "follow that tram!", which was           e
something Popsicle had always secretly hoped he'd be able to do one           c
day. Actually he'd preferred to have said "follow that cab", but you          t
had to take an opportunity when it presented itself to you. In fact, he       ,
could have said "follow that cab", but the bus driver would probably
have followed a nearby cab which was going in what could be considered        f
the completely wrong direction. Anyway, while the driver got on with          i
that, Popsicle and the Inspector stuck their heads out of the bus             n
windows and shouted obscenities at the fast vanishing tram, and at the        e
curious onlookers who didn't usually see events this exciting and             ,
dynamic happening, and mostly presumed they were just filming a
commercial for a new brand of potato chips.                                   r
    The tram screeched around the corner, under the railway bridge and        i
into Normanby Road, in the process cutting off three Volvos (Volvoes?)        g
and a short fat man in a Mercedes, but no-one cared. The bus was slowly       h
gaining, but the faster speed was being thwarted by a steady stream of        t
passengers pulling the cord to get off at various stops along the way.        ,
As the final old lady with an afternoon's worth of shopping from the
bargain basement at Chadstone got off, Popsicle knew in his bones that        a
they'd be able to catch Completebastardprick.                                 b
    The bus drew along side the speeding tram, and Popsicle climbed           s
through the bus skylight onto the roof, leaving the Inspector to take         o
out his frustrations on someone's kid who'd been left behind. Keeping         l
low to avoid being barbecued by the tram power wires, Popsicle steadied       u
himself before taking a cliched running leap off the bus and towards          t
the swaying back end of the tram. Just as he jumped, the tram surged          e
forward, leaving Popsicle plummeting through the air, heading fast            l
towards the ground. Which, on all accounts, is nice enough to land on         y
from a height of about three feet at slow speed, but which is not so          ,
great when landing on it from six feet up at a speed approaching that
of a crowd of hippies running for the nearest bucket after accidentally       n
biting into a double beef and beef burger with extra beef. He grabbed         o
at the nothingness, arms flailing, and managed to get a hand onto the
tram's power pole. The weight of him pulled it down from the wire, and        p
the tram, deprived of its wattage of life, began to slow as Popsicle          r
slammed into the back of the tram.                                            o
                                                                              b
               *JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE AMAZINGLY FINAL                     l
               EPISODE OF THIS ADVENTURE OF MR POPSICLE!*                     e
                                                                              m
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                           o
You have been feasting your eyeballs on yet another                           ,
episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. And if
you require dessert, an email subscription might                              y
be a brilliant idea. Simply send mail to                                      e
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.                                              p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                           .
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Scrubbing and washing and drying and ironing
Melbourne, Australia------------\ Cleaning up after the cat has thrown up
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ Tying up papers and taking out bins
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ These are a few of my favourite things
Newsgroups: rec.humor