From: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel)
Subject: Re: stuff
Reply-To: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu
Organization: The Ghost Of Christmas Past Society
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 06:23:58 GMT



paleblue@byron.u.washington.edu (Hermes) writes:

 
>dogbowl@dogbox.acme.gen.nz (Kennelmeister) sez:
>>According to people who've known me, I'm a real loner. I find myself
>>realising there's a great big hole in my life, one which I want to fill
>>but don't know what to do it with, or where to start. A feeling of
>>incompletness.....
>
>The hole is actually from DogBowl's fear
>of death.  He thinks he can somehow cheat death by falling in love.  Well,
>he doesn't think it think it, but he thinks it so he can't hear what he's
>thinking, like that Freud stuff.  Anyway, the hole's just gonna get wider
>until it finally swallows him and he dies.  So don't even try to make it
>shrink. 

a case in point... in between overexuberant bouts of cheerfulness, Hermes
*may* have just stumbled onto something here.

the "he doesn't 'THINK IT' think it, but he thinks it so he can't hear what
he's thinking" phenomenon has a shorter description -- rationalization.

DogBowl, you really did hit a lot of legitimate worries in your post, but 
the great big hole MAY just be where you're thinking a cure-all (or at least
cure-most) panacea would fit into your life... some strange, wonderful, 
unpredictable event that would "fill" your life.

unfortunately, even if you find it, all it will do is DIVERT your attention
away from problems that accrue, not solve them.  worse yet -- like ANY good
monkey on one's back, the more you LOOK for the "hole" and the plug, the more
time and effort you're taking AWAY from working out the real problems that
you mentioned.  

the more you stare at the hole, in other words, the bigger and blacker it 
will get, as the problems that CAUSE it won't be cured.  and if you don't
deal with problems?  eventually they WILL crawl up and bite you on the ass.

so how do you get rid of the hole?  you gotta turn away and start over in
a lot of respects.  the only way I've ever managed to DEAL with a problem
that you can't get rid of is to realize all of its ramifications, good and
bad, accept those you can't change as reality and do what you want regarding
the others.  that's all you CAN do, barring outside interference.  If it 
comes, great, if not, you've made the situation the best that you could,
and that in itself should inspire a little confidence.

pick out a trouble spot in your life that seems like you COULD do something
about it; do any little things you can to make at least a positive step,
no matter how small, and then move on to another trouble spot.  over time,
they MIGHT just add up, and it's a hell of a lot more reliable, IMHO, than
making an emotional stand against a big, gaping hole.  

of course, there WILL still be those white-knuckle nights when your problems
seem insurmountable, but no one ever gets rid of anxiety altogether.  it'd
make life a lot less interesting.

--
     jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu      \\        pope@aza.csc.ncsu.edu    
 "I don't know where you took   --=--   To KLH: Love ya, Katya!
 me, but I didn't want to leave."   \\  have clue, will travel.
       ---------------------------------------------------
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