From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #116 (was Re: TCWF funny?)
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: WherethehelldidIputToxicCustard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 02:51:31 GMT

In <1992Sep29.164718.12569@topaz.ucq.edu.au> in aus.jokes, slaterk@topaz.ucq.edu.au writes:
>The toxic custard workshop files are a complete and utter waste of reading
>time.
>I can't see how students or otherwise can afford time spend so much time
>compiling and editing such shit.

Better not bother reading this one then:

                                         /
 ___________ ____  _   _ ______ __  _   /_
|___    ___// ___|| |_| |\  __//  || | /  \       Toxic Custard Workshop Files
    \  /   | |___ | | | | \  _\ | || || ** |     Number one-hundred and sixteen
     \/     \____\|_____|  \_|  |_||_| \__/          Written by Daniel Bowen
                                                         5th October 1992
WHERETHEHELLDIDIPUTIT SYNDROME

I think everyone who has ever lived must have suffered from the
wherethehelldidIputit syndrome. One day, you'll be innocently minding
your own business, and *ping* suddenly you think, "Gee, what I could          E
really use right now is an X. Now, where did I last see that really           v
great X that I had?" And do you find it? Do you instantaneously               e
remember where you left it when you last saw it? Does a particular            r
drawer or cupboard spring to mind straight away which you happen to
know was the last sighting of your X? No, of course not. It could be          h
bloody anywhere, and you won't find it, not in this lifetime. You could       a
spend the rest of your days searching high and low, moving hell and           d
high water to find it, but let's face it, when it comes down to it,
you're just going to have to bite the bullet and go out and shell out         a
for a new one, aren't you.
    And fate decrees that within minutes of triumphantly walking into         "
the house after purchasing your brand new X, the most deluxe model in         W
the entire city which you saved for three weeks without eating to buy,        h
you will, of course, naturally, stumble across your old X, in some            e
Godforsaken location, which, although frighteningly accessible, you           r
never thought of looking at before.                                           e
    Bummer, eh?                                                               t
    And if you're wondering, I've lost my D25 gender changer thingy.          h
                                                                              e
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                                                                              e
Okay, it's "thankfully short honest-to-God story from childhood" time.        l
I hate to drag out the cliches, but this really happened, okay? Okay.         l
    Everyone knows about Uri Geller and his spoon bending. Well I had a       d
friend, and he'd heard about this. And he wasn't impressed. And he told       i
me so. He said "there's nothing special about that.. bending spoons..         d
anyone can do that." And he showed me. He picked out a teaspoon from          I
the cutlery drawer, held it in his two hands, and bent it.                    p
                                                                              u
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                                                                              i
THE INVERTEBRATORS                                                            t
                                                                              "
Tonight we investigate the scandalous operations of Roger Reilly. Roger
Reilly's company, "Rocket Ripoff Merchants Inc." has conned money out         p
of several dozen very thick people in this country.                           r
    Jane and John Wilson were two of the extremely stupid people who          o
have fallen foul of Roger Reilly's Ripoff and have consequently               b
contacted us so that we can broadcast to the nation how gullible they         l
are.                                                                          e
                                                                              m
JOHN: Well, this man knocked on the door, and he said "Hi, I'm from           ?
Roger Reilly's Rocket Ripoff Merchants Incorporated, and if you'll give
me lots of money, I promise to never see you again." And of course, we        W
thought that was a good idea, and we even signed the contract he gave         e
us, agreeing to hand over large sums of money to him, but we never            l
dreamed that this would happen.                                               l

And what actually happened?                                                   d
                                                                              o
JOHN: He took lots of our money, and we never saw him again.                  n
                                                                              '
But isn't that what he said would happen?                                     t

JOHN: No, he said he'd never see us again, not the other way around.          t
That's completely different, and it wasn't in the contract we signed.         h
We just feel as though we've been cheated. We're finding it hard to           i
make ends meet now that that money has gone.                                  n
                                                                              k
Yes yes, save us the sob story about losing your job and having to make
money by performing acts of depravation with toadstools.                      w
                                                                              e
JANE: It's just been so awful, these last few months. Thank God now
we've contacted you and got our plight on television. That'll solve           c
everything.                                                                   a
                                                                              n
Well, don't think that calling us in is actually going to solve
anything; we're just here to get ratings.                                     d
    Anyway, we chased up Roger Reilly's Ripoff Merchants Incorporated         o
at their multi-storey building floating on Sydney Harbour. Mr Reilly
predictably declined an interview on camera, so we decided to smash           a
down the front door, argue our way past his receptionist, and end up          n
chasing him out of the building with the camera wobbling                      y
uncontrollably, down the road to his luxury car with the leather seats,       t
six doors, three toilets and spa facilities, where he would drive off         h
so the viewers could see what a completely and utterly rich bastard con       i
artist he was. But unfortunately, he changed his mind and decided to          n
give us the interview after all.                                              g

Mr Reilly, what do you say to the accusations that you are taking money       a
from your customers without giving them anything in return?                   b
                                                                              o
ROGER: Well, it's true.                                                       u
                                                                              t
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                                                                              i
It's all very well to say that we just had a state election, and that         t
that's giving the people a choice, but what choice did we really have?        .
When it all comes down to it, we had no choice. None. Which ever way we
voted, we were going to end up with a premier whose initials are J.K.         B
                                                                              a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                d
YOU have been READING the 116th TOXIC custard.
Bloody AWFUL, wasn't it. IF you'd like TO                                     l
subscribe, may I suggest that YOU reply                                       u
to THIS message, or SEND mail to                                              c
TCWF@GNU.AI.MIT.EDU right now.                                                k
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                ,
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--                                                                            m
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |     E.T. reminds me of an old woman         a
Melbourne, Australia------------|     on the tram the other day:              t
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|     wrinkled, making funny noises,          e
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |     and very bad posture.                   .
Newsgroups: rec.humor