Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Thu, 13 Aug 1992 13:44:58 EDT
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         Daniel Mont <D6M@CORNELLA.BITNET>
Subject:      Sibling interactions

Hi everyone,

My wife, Nanette, and I are having problems with our two boys Alex and Simon
and the way they interact.  We're in the process of searching out help but I
thought I'd write about what's going on with us.

Alex, our soon to be 5, HFA boy, is easily "terrorized" by our younger son,
Simon, soon to be 3.  The problem is complex, however.  Sometimes Alex gets
profoundly upset at things that Simon does that are perfectly acceptable
behaviors in a boy of Simon's age.  For example, waving a toy around, singing
a song in the backseat of the car, being "silly". Other times, Simon purposely
does these things to drive Alex crazy.  For example calling out random
numbers when Alex is doing a math problem or making constant "funny" noises..
Alex claims he can not talk, or even think straight when Simon does this.
Now, in part I believe this is true.  However, most of the time I believe
Alex is just scared that Simon's behavior will escalate to the point where
it *will* be true and gets so tense and nervous that he loses control.
Similarly, Simon will sometimes push or hit Alex.  He very rarely does it
hard enough to hurt Alex in the least.  However, Alex will throw himself on
the floor and claim that Simon knocked him down.  He will then cry and get
very worked up.  Simon also knows that Alex takes things **very** literally
and so will order Alex around or tell him incorrect things to watch Alex
freak out about it... because he either doesn't want to do what he has
been ordered to do (and can't just say no -- although he never actually does
what he is ordered to) or because Simon is saying something incorrect.  Of
course, sometimes Simon is just wrong. He *is* only 3 after all and says
incorrect things all the time unintentionally.

Simon very much enjoys teasing Alex.  Simons is very precocious about talking
about feelings, and he has so much as told us that Alex is "different", that
he "loves his brother but doesn't like to play with him", that he gets "angry"
at the way Alex behaves,e tc.

We talk a lot to Simon about how he should behave around Alex. We try to talk
out his feelings....but he is ONLY 3. Although in some ways he understands a
whole lot, there really is a limit to how you can explain things.

We also have tried to give Alex techniques for ignoring Simon's taunts.
"click off your ears, look out the window, and count to 20 backwards", or
"go in the other room and find something else to do"

We also punish Simon. "If you don't stop that, you have to go to your room
for five minutes" etc. etc.

None of this seems to do much good. We feel sorry for Alex's anguish. We also
feel bad for SImon's frustrations **and** that we are trying to hold him
to a standard of maturity that is really beyond his years.  Many of his
behaviors we observe with our friends kids and the siblings just seem to
work things out (sure they have some fights and tears but they learn how to
come to terms). Alex is really "disabled" in this area.

Simon and Alex really do love each other.  They do have very sweet times
together. However, the frequency of their problems is getting worse and
Nanette and I are getting frazzled.  Has anybody else had to work through
similar things?


Daniel Mont
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