HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Presidential Debates Drinking Game
From: dks@ai.mit.edu (Diana Smetters)
Keywords: topical, chuckle


While watching the first presidential debate on Sunday, it suddenly
struck my husband and I that there was an obvious response:

	The Presidential Debates Drinking Game

  Rules: Similar to the Star Trek Drinking Game. Participants get
	themselves a television, some form of alcohol, and then
	act according to the following rules:

Take a drink when Bush:

1) says "tax and spend" (2 drinks for "spend and tax").
2) says "gridlock"
3) every time he makes an odd hand gesture apparently 
	unrelated to what he's saying.
4) says "TRUST" (emphasized)
5) says "(knee-jerk) liberal"
6) describes children going to bed without the fear of nuclear
	war. 
7) brings up draft evasion, or vacation trips to Moscow.
8) mentions a "tax on the rich".
9) blames something on the Congress.
10) mentions Jim Baker perfoming some major role in the new
         administration. (1 drink for previously-mentioned roles: Sec'y of
         State, Reelection Campaign Chair, Deputy President, Chief of Staff.
         2 drinks if Bush mentions appointing him to something new.)

Take a drink when Clinton:

1) mentions a "tax on the rich".
2) says "trickle-down economics".
3) repeats a phrase. (2 drinks for "Jobs, jobs, jobs".)
4) says "change".
5) mentions a Bush veto. (2 for vetoing the Family Leave Act.)

Take a drink when Ross Perot:

1) starts a new task force.
2) talks about the deficit.
3) says "I love this country".
4) has an electronic town meeting.
5) talks about "putting the house in order".
6) makes an analogy to sports. (2 drinks for "united teams win,
	divided teams lose".)

These rules can undoubtedly be expanded to cover the vice-presidential
debates with minimal effort.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann with Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY)
to funny@clarinet.com.  If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to
the poster please, not to me.  Ask the poster to forward comments back to
me if this is necessary.
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 92 12:20:06 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: Allan.Meers@ebay.sun.com (Allan Meers - Sun Education)
Subject: Congress defined, original
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual

Goldie (my wife) found the following in the
J.I.Rodale Synonym Finder yesterday:


CONGRESS,  noun
        4. coitus, intercourse, copulation, fornication.   
                                        See coitus.

So it turns out that what Bush has been telling us that
Congress is doing to the country has been right all along.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 92 19:30:35 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From:  APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Dialing for Dollars
Keywords: smirk

Heard on A&E's Evening at the Improv:

There's a new 976 number called "976-PAST LIVES"

For $5 a minute, you can call and find out what you
were in a past life.

When I got the bill, I found out what I was......

The village idiot!

| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU  |

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: PFT018@sirius.ukc.ac.uk (Uncertified Lunatic)
Subject: Amplifier operating instructions
Keywords: true, smirk

This is an extract from the operating instructions that come with a Denon
amplifier......


				DENON
			INTEGRATED STEREO AMPLIFIER
				PMA-350


			OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS






 Please check to make sure the following items are included with the main unit
 in the carton:
      (1) Operating Instructions.................................   1

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.  The "executive
moderator" is Brad Templeton.
From: brett@hpsrbkc.sr.hp.com (Brett K. Carver)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: CalTrans layoffs
Keywords: maybe
Date: 12 Oct 92 08:30:04 GMT

Heard from a friend...


I understand that CalTrans (California Department of Transportation)
is going to be laying off large numbers from their road crews.

It seems someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.


							Brett Carver
							brett@sr.hp.com



--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send us requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, we have it, but if we were willing to let ourselves be
a joke server we would spend all day doing it.  We reject all such requests.
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 92 12:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: combee@prism.gatech.edu
Subject: New Bush campaign policy
Keywords: topical, orginal, chuckle

Dateline: Washington.  The Bush presidential campaign today announced
that it will be using the slogan "Ethics cleansing" to describe its
efforts to remove Democratic incumbents from the House and Senate.
The President was quoted as saying, "Those Serbs are not very nice
people, but they sure know a good catch phrase."  The Serbian government
had no comment on rumors that they would be taking the Bush campaign
to court on grounds of trademark infringement.
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clarinet.com
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clarinet.com
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 92 3:20:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hobson@pipper.enet.dec.com (297)
Subject: Democrats and Republicans
Keywords: smirk, sexual


Why do Democrats have more babies than Republicans?


I've never heard anyone asking for a nice piece of elephant!

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 3:20:06 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: New Jersey riddle
Keywords: topical, smirk, true

Q: What do you call the day after two days of rain in New Jersey?

A: Monday.

[for the rest of the world: weekend rain in New Jersey has been so
 reliable this summer that it is starting to make the national news;
 people who own businesses at places like Atlantic City are furious]
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann with Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY)
to funny@clarinet.com.  If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to
the poster please, not to me.  Ask the poster to forward comments back to
me if this is necessary.
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 3:20:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: sahai@cory.berkeley.edu (Anant Sahai)
Subject: Real Family Values
Keywords: chuckle, topical

From a friend...

Well, I think people are responding to the Republican Party's call for
"family values".  I decided that you should know what they are!  (smile)

Truthfulness:
	Always tell the truth, unless you are in court for something as small
	and insignificant as arm deals to some unstable middle-east country,
	in which case you may always hide behind some fifth amendment that
	was designed to protect drug dealers who turn their friends in, or
	you can always get a sudden 24-hour case of Alzheimer's disease where
	you selectively forget all the bad deeds that you've committed, even
	that prostitute you had a meeting with yesterday.

Loyalty:
	Always be loyal to your friends, your country, your boss, your
	constituents, unless some backstabbing will get you that new yacht
	you wanted to get for your daughter in Monte Carlo.  Even be loyal to
	your running mate, even though he can't spell worth beans and other
	vegetables.

Respect for Elders:
	Yes, especially if you are one.  After all, those who you brown-nose
	are usually older than you.

Charity:
	Only when there's a photo opportunity to get you in the paper.

Promiscuity:
	Only when there's no photo opportunity to get you in the paper.

Performance of One's Duties:
	Only once every four years, at the end of your term.  But unimportant
	duties, such as fixing the economy, can be put off.



Hey, how about a programmer's values?  or rather, lvalues?
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

If you mail to original@clarinet.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards.   Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
From: wayne@tcsi.tcs.com (Wayne Caplinger)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Family Values
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 16 Oct 92 16:20:07 GMT

This week, CBS Morning News sponsored a First Lady Bake-Off.
The candidates' wives submitted their recipes for Chocolate Chip cookies.
Viewers tried them at home and voted on taste.

Barbara Bush submitted a standard "off the back of the package" recipe.

Hillary Clinton's cookies had far more goodies in them, and won by 55%.

Mrs. Perot submitted a recipe without any chocolate chips.

Part way through the contest, the Bush campaign tried to substitute a
different "Baker" recipe.
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 92 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: MERTUS@brownvm.brown.edu ( John Mertus)
Subject: Please put litter in its place.
Keywords: maybe, original, true


    For years McDonalds has asked us to "Please put litter in its
place."    But litter is only litter when its thrown on the ground, before
that it is trash.   So every time I take out from McD's, I open my
car window and, following their instructions, put litter into its place.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clarinet.com
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clarinet.com
From: petergo@microsoft.com (Peter Golde)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Perot Campaign Slogan
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original
Date: 8 Oct 92 16:20:06 GMT

It's been widely publicized that Ross Perot made much of his money
by selling computer services to the U.S. Government for Medicare
and other programs.  Some allege that these highly profitable contracts
were obtained through less than perfectly fair means.  I'm just waiting
to see Ross on TV soon, repeating this slogan:

The U.S. Government: I'm not only the president, I'm also a client!


[Note for foreigners: here in the U.S., there is a widely advertised hair
replacement service, which has a man with a full head of hair intoning:
"Hair Club for Men: I'm not only the president, I'm also a client!"]

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 12:20:16 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Up Next on CNN
From: chanson@nyx.cs.du.edu (Chris Hanson)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, original


  Was just watching CNN a few minutes ago, and saw a blurb about an upcoming
feature later in the evening:

  "Up Next: CNN interviews Jay Leno."

  I was forced to lean over and comment to someone next to me,

  "Gosh, once CNN gets to interview him, he'll never get onto the Tonight
Show..."

    Chris - Xenon

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.
If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 12:20:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: neeri@iis.ethz.ch (Matthias Neeracher)
Subject: Republican Election Strategy
Keywords: topical, smirk

Now the Republicans have conclusively established that they don't know anything
about costs, they pretend that they know everything about values.

Matthias
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
From: jns@inoms.bellcore.com (Jesse N. Schell)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Questions
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 8 Oct 92 08:30:09 GMT
Organization: Bell Communications Research, Piscataway NJ

Someone once asked me if there was any real difference between engineers,
scientists, and managers in today's high tech companies. Although the 
differences are often subtle to an outsider, you can tell one from another
simply by the questions they ask.

        Engineering: "How will this work?"
            Science: "Why will this work?"
         Management: "When will this work?"

And in today's technological environment, this is often followed by:

       Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.  The "executive
moderator" is Brad Templeton.
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 4:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system
From: hacksaw@cellar.org
Subject: But, officer... 
Keywords: smirk, ethnic

   A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly 
bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to 
you?"

   The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead.
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: stewart@dao.nrc.ca (Robyn Stewart--Library)
Subject: Novel Search Algorithm
Keywords: smirk, computers

We three females took a few of the guys along shopping a couple
weeks ago.  After an afternoon of watching women discuss imperceptible
(to them) differences in colour, and waiting outside fitting rooms, the
guys came up with this:

"I think I'll write the 'women-in-a-mall' search program sometime."

"How does that work?"

"It first does a linear search through the entire set, then, unsatisfied
with a negative result, it goes back and checks random items to see if
it missed something."

---
Robyn Stewart                                           stewart@dao.nrc.ca


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clarinet.com
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clarinet.com
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Perot's Veep
From: SCOTH@wmvm1.cc.wm.edu ( Scott Hammer)
Organization: College of William and Mary
Keywords: topical, smirk


In selecting his running mate, Ross Perot established another political
milestone:  he chose someone who's name is _already_ lost to history.

-Michael Feldman on the NPR program _Whaddaya Know_, on Saturday 10/3.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Motorola Communications Israel Ltd., Tel Aviv
From: gordonb@mcil.comm.mot.com (Gordon Berkley)
Subject: Smoking at 10,000 feet
Keywords: smirk, true

I caught this two weeks ago, while flying between O'Hare and NYC:

	"Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking.  I would like
	to remind you that according to FAA regulations, this flight
	has been declared a non smoking flight.  If you absolutely
	must light up, you are invited to step outside."

(Evolution in action?)


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.
From: mcintyre@aivax.rl.af.mil (Randy McIntyre)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A Unique Penance
Keywords: smirk, sexual, heard it
Date: 16 Oct 92 08:30:03 GMT
Article-I.D.: looking.S484.4b55

Circulating in a friend's office:

A priest was sitting in the confessional and was in dire need of using 
the men's room.  Finally, he could wait no longer and grabbed a janitor 
who happened to be walking by.

Priest: "Please sit in here while I go to the men's room."
Janitor: "What if somebody comes in while you're gone?"
Priest: "Don't worry.  Whatever he says, give him three Hail Marys."

While the janitor waited for the priest to return, a young man entered 
the confessional.  "Bless me Father for I have sinned.  I engaged in 
anal sex."  The janitor didn't know what to say - he knew the priest 
would give a harsher pennance than three Hail Marys for a sin like that.  
Just then, an altar boy was walking by the confessional.  The janitor 
stopped him and asked, "What does the Father give for anal sex?"  The 
altar boy replied, "Two cookies and a glass of milk."


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Music to Our Ears 
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk


"President Bush said the other day that he believes
 in the values of country music.  Yeah, and in about
 a month he'll be sitting in his pickup, getting drunk,
 and wondering why he lost his job!"

         - Jay Leno


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead.
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 4:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Ah, now I understand it.
Keywords: smirk, true, computers

The following is from the March 1991 issue of _Consumer_Reports_, in
an article reviewing camcorders:


Fisher says that its camcorder's autofocus uses "fuzzy logic," picking
up on a current computer buzzword for "humanlike" decision-making.
Judging by our tests, fuzzy is the right word.  The Fisher had more
focusing problems than most models without the feature.


--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Subject: Re: Wanted: Native jokes
Cc: cowieson@brandonu.ca
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 19:55:15 GMT

In article <1992Sep23.093609.2339@brandonu.ca> cowieson@brandonu.ca writes:
>Howdy all,
>not much, but I'll take what I can) if we tell a Native joke.  I 
>am trying to find a Native joke that isn't (too) offensive.  Help 
>
>Thanks,
>Lisa

Q: Why is the bald Native staying home tonite?
A: To keep his wig wa'm

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Genealogiste des familles : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Un Quebec renouvele dans une Amerique renovee
\_.-===  Non a une entente au contenu indetermine'   Mon opinion ? Non !
Newsgroups: rec.humor,aus.jokes,alt.folklore.computers
From: rex@cyclops.itc.gu.edu.au (Rex Baker)
Subject: Re: Thoughts /Macs
Organization: ITC, Griffith University, Brisbane, Australia
Date:  8 Oct 92 23:44:01 GMT

rybicki@uctvax.uct.ac.za writes:

>>   (various stuff about Macs etc deleted)

>Obviously an idiot who has never used an Apple Mac, or who has not been
>following this thread (or who does not know what a thread IS).  Or - and the
>penny drops - an AUSTRALIAN!!  It's all so clear now!!  Of course!!! 
> _________________________________________________________________________
>|                                 |                                       |
>|  Ed Rybicki                     |    Now you've got the hang of it      |
>|  Dept Microbiology              | There's nothing you can't do with it  |
>|  University of Cape Town        |         If you're very into it        |
>|  PB Rondebosch 7700             |         You can't go wrong....        |
>|  South Africa                   |                                       |
>|  fax 27 21 650 4023             |              - Mad John               |
>|  ed@micro.uct.ac.za             | (Ogden's Nut-Gone Flake, Small Faces) |
>|_________________________________|_______________________________________|

Ed,
	It is a shame to see someone who is still upset so much about
being absolutely annihilated in the recent Rugby Union series!!   ;-) ;-)

Joke:
	(Probably an oldy, but I enjoyed it)

There was this gorilla who lived in the jungles of Africa, who happened to
be a carpenter by trade. Anyway, one day he arrived at work to find a particular
tool missing from his toolbag. He searched for it high and low, but wasn't
able to find it anywhere. So he set off into the jungle to ask anyone if they 
had seen his missing tool.
The first animal he met was Mr. elephant. "Hello Mr. Elephant", he said, "I'm
Mr. gorilla and I'm a carpenter by trade. I've lost one of my tools. I don't
suppose you've seen it anywhere. It is about a foot long and has 4 points."
"No. No. Can't say I've seen anything like that", said Mr. elephant. "But I'll
let you know if I do".
So Mr. gorilla continued on his way.

The next animal he met was Mr. monkey ........

	(continued as above for Mr. deer, Mr. hippo etc. etc.)

Finally, beginning to feel very frustrated he turned to go home. Suddenly, out of 
the trees jumped an animal that Mr. gorilla had never seen before. After recovering 
from his initial fright, he said.
"Hi, aarr I haven't met you before, My name is Mr. gorilla and I'm a carpenter by 
trade. I've lost one of my tools and I was wondering if anyone has seen it. It
is about a foot long and has 4 points. I don't suppose you've seen it anywhere?"

"As a matter of fact I have", said the black cat-like animal, "In fact I've eaten it."

"You've WHAT !!!!"said Mr. gorilla.

"I've eaten it, you see I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar!!" (4.2 litre Jaguar)


Rex. 
Newsgroups: rec.humor