From: adh@po.CWRU.Edu (Anneliese D. Heiner)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: Funny Stuff Collected from r.a.st - Top Ten, Jokes, Etc.
Date: 9 Oct 1992 21:09:40 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Reply-To: adh@po.CWRU.Edu (Anneliese D. Heiner)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc12.ins.cwru.edu


This stuff was collected during Season 5 (email me if you would like Season
4).  It includes Star Trek light bulb jokes, top ten lists, lines you will
never hear on Star Trek, and more.  I have credited the posters except for
a couple cases where I missed; if you are one of these cases, email me and
I will be happy to credit you.  Enjoy!



Light Bulb Jokes

[oconnorf@unix1.tcd.ie (Frank D. O'Connor)]
Q: How many Starfleet officers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. That would be interfering with the light-bulb's natural
development.

[noel@umbc1.umbc.edu]
Q: How many Tamarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Timber, with open arms Darmok cast into darkness until the sun with might is brought forth
A2: "Darmok, cast into darkness; Temba, his arms wide; bring forth the sun!"

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb and the rest to assimilate General Electric

[Jaci Passey (Doug's daughter unit) c/o dougp@hplsla.HP.COM (Doug Passey)]
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a transdator?
A: Transdators are irrelevant.

[dave@cs.arizona.edu (Dave Schaumann)]
Q: How many Tamarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can't change a light bulb in Star Trek.  They're not canon.

[jgreen@zeus.calpoly.edu (James T. Green)]
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Klingons aren't afraid of the dark!

Q: What happened to the Klingon who changed the light bulb?
A: Committed suicide because he dishonored himself for
    such a display of cowardace!

[mscott@charm.urbana.mcd.mot.com (Mark Scott)]
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Can't be done. They keep sticking their fingers in the socket
 	   to feed.

[jfe@alchemy.tn.cornell.edu (Brian Chung)]
Q: How may Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  Klingons are not afraid of darkness.

Q: What do you say to a Klingon who *is* changing a light bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to change the light bulb and one to blow up the ship in shame.

[Brian Chung]
Q: What does a Borg say *after* screwing in a light bulb?
A: "Was it good for you, too?"

["bernie wong" <bernie.wong@canrem.com>]
Q: How many people in TNG does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Nine.

A light blub in the bridge dies.

Riker : GEORDI--WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
Picard: Someone remove the lightbulb.  Conference!

In the Conference room.

Troi  : (putting her hand on the dead bulb) I feel... pain.
Worf  : The bulb is useless now, Captain.  Let me dispose of it.
        (unholsters phaser and adjusts it to "OBLITERATE" setting)
Data  : (thinking about what Worf said) Captain, if I were to
        become non-functional like this bulb, would I receive
        a regular burial or would I be disposed of like...
Picard: Shut up, Data.  Hold your fire, Mr. Worf.  Where is Mr.
        LaForge?
Geordi: (stepping into the room) Here, Captain.  I'm afraid we're
        out of light bulbs.  Who needs light anyway?  With my VISOR,
        I can clearly see despite the absence of visible light.
Bev   : I can surgically remove everyone's eyes and outfit us all
        with VISORs...
Wes   : No way, Mom.  Wait!  I got it!  I'll build us a positronic
        krigga-wave-condensing incandescent light generator!
Riker : Excellent, Wes.  BTW, WHAT THE HELL are you doing in this
        meeting?  This is for senior officers only!  Worf, put
        Ensign Crusher in the brig!
Worf  : (To Wes, grinning) You will walk or I will carry you!
Bev   : You're not touching my son!

Everyone lurches.  Outside, two Borg ships begin attacking the
Enterprise.  Everyone rushes to the bridge.  Q suddenly appears on
the bridge.

Picard: Q!  End this!
Q     : Temper temper, mon capitan.  Can't you humans take a joke?
        (snaps fingers--Borg ships disappear)
Picard: I didn't mean the Borg ships--I meant the light bulb!
Q     : Oh.  Sorry (snaps fingers again--bulb is restored).  Until
        next time!  (flash of light--Q disappears)
Picard: (hands restored bulb to Wes) prepare to screw light bulb.
Wes   : Aye, Captain (holds bulb in position over bulb socket)
Picard: Engage!

[jal41820@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Smiley)]
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. A Klingon would never display such dishonor by allowing someone else
to help him with such a remedial task.

Q: How many Ferengi?
A: Five. One to get the lightbulb at the lowest possible price, one to hold
a second standing on it's shoulders so he can reach the lightbulb, one to
sell the used bulb for as much as possible, and one to watch the whole thing
and act REALLY annoying.

Q: How many Betazoids?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to sit there and moan "Darkness. I sense
darkness."  :)

Oh, sorry... that's half-betazoids.  :)

[brown@vidiot.UUCP (Vidiot)]
Q: How many Ferengi?
A: None.  They'd rather sell it for a profit than use it!

[news@ernie.Princeton.EDU]
Q: How many Klingons does it take  to change a light bulb?  
A: Infinity; They all get electrocuted in their zeal to die in the line
of duty.

Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?  
A: Infinity; each one sells the fresh bulb before they have time to
change it.

______________________________________________________________________

[Matthew Wayne Gertz]

"Happiness Is A Warm Tribble"  (Apologies to Charles Shultz.)

GEORDI:
Happiness is getting new eyeballs!

PICARD:
Avoiding Troi's mother!

BARCLAY:
Holodeck Three!

DATA:
Happiness is chewing a pencil!

TROI:
Fudge chocolate ice cream!

RIKER:
A good bowl or three!

PICARD:
Happiness is playing the diplomat now and then,

WORF:
And happiness is killing Roms again!

TASHA: [stepping out of shadows]

Happiness is reincarnation!

SAREK:
(I'll second that motion.)

CRUSHER & PULASKI:
Cutting up stiffs!

WESLEY:
Happiness is saving the vessel,

HAN SOLO:
Spice runs to Kessel,

ALL:
You're not in this script!!!

RIKER:
Happiness is meeting some monster from outer space,

WORF:
And happiness is removing all its trace.

DATA:
Happiness is maniacal brothers,
And mad scientist fathers, too,
For happiness is anyone and anything at all,
That is not Q!

______________________________________________________________________

[dust@cs.UAlberta.CA (Dust Jason Norman)]

                           _____
          ____.....-------'-----`-------....._____
   =======================================================
              `-----....._________.....-----' 
         ____              \ | /              ____
        (____)           __|_|_|__           (____)
           \\_________.-'_.-----._`-._________//
            \---------`.._`-----'_..'---------/
                          ~~~~~~~

______________________________________________________________________

[unknown!]

                            ___
               ___....-----'---`-----....___
         =========================================
                ___`---..._______...---'___       
               (___)      _|_|_|_      (___)       
                 \\____.-'_.---._`-.____//          
                   ~~~~`.__`---'__.'~~~~                 
                           ~~~~~

______________________________________________________________________

[Michael B. Smith <MBS116@psuvm.psu.edu>]

    The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
    forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
    a shuttlecraft
 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
    life-forms
 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
    Dick Hertz is there
 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
    REAL Picard Maneuver"
 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
    Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it
    so"
 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
    beams back up

______________________________________________________________________

[alcmist@well.sf.ca.us (Frederick Wamsley)]

Worf : "Sensors are picking up another time rift.  There is a ship emerging."
Riker : "Identification?"
Worf : "The U.S.S. Illegitimate, sir."
Riker : "Mr. Data, what information do we have on this ship?"
Data : "The Illegitimate was crewed entirely by Admiral Kirk's 
out-of-wedlock children.  It had the largest crew in Starfleet, with
over 1,742 on board.  Their names were -- "
Riker : "THANK YOU, Mr. Data."
Picard : "Number One, assemble an away team."
<away team materializes>
Crewman on Illegitimate : "A Klingon!"
<he fires his phaser.  Worf glows and vanishes.>
<Cut to Enterprise.  Picard collapses to floor sobbing.>Picard : "You bastard sons, you killed my Klingon!"

______________________________________________________________________

[jreiss@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Joseph W Reiss)]

Q.  Why does a Trekkie make the perfect engineering student?
A.  Because he's already used to not having a life.

______________________________________________________________________

[dmose@bright.uoregon.edu (Dan Mosedale)]

The Top Ten episodes getting rid of Wesley on Star Trek: The Next
Generation:

10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes
    stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell."
    His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of
    vomit.

9:  Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.

8:  Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock
    the little snot around a bit."

7:  Data catches him tossing off.  Uncomprehending, he requires a
    detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.

6:  Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the
    control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has,
    once again, been picking his nose.  He is summarily fired.

5:  Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.

4:  On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a
    Chewbacca-like creature.  Here, she returns, and they once again
    get involved.  (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she
    mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing
    sex slave.  She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.

3:  In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG,
    Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Weasley.  Spock barely
    survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and
    whining.

2:  Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down
    to clean out the photon tubes.  Later, someone makes a comment
    about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the
    few.

1:  Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble
    stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_.  Even
    an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
______________________________________________________________________

On the Tonight show 6/11/92 Leno joked of lines you would never hear in
a movie.

Lines you will never hear in a Star Trek movie:

Bones: Jim, he's alive!

Scotty: Yes captain, there's plenty of power.

[ccspjs@gdr.bath.ac.uk (Pete J Suters)]
How about Kirk saying a single sentence without pausing (or grimacing)
once!!

[rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport)]
Wesley: "Sorry, captain, but I really have no idea... you'll have to 
         fix it without me."

Riker: "Get away from me, you slut!!"

Worf: "Unrecognized ship on an intercept course, captain."
Picard: "Raise shields."

Picard: "Beam aboard immediately, Doctor."
Beverly: "Yes, captain."

"Captain's log, stardate 45389.2, captain Kirk recording.  After beaming
down a standard landing party consisting of myself, Spock, McCoy, Scotty,
and a security officer, we encountered hostile forces which we managed to
subdue with *no casualties.*"

Worf: "I urge caution, captain.  We do not want to seem to aggressive."

Picard: "What are you sensing, Deanna?"
Deanna: "I feel great... constipation, captain."

Geordy: "I love the way your IR signature changes when you blush ..."

"Captain Kirk, for the record, you are here to be formally charged with
numerous violations of the Prime Directive."

[stgprao@xing.unocal.com (Richard Ottolini)]
How about when confronted with the female "of the hour"

Kirk: "No" :-)

[kjcarey@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (Kevin J. Carey)]
Kirk : Ensign, don't bother looking behind that rock. I'll do it myself.
And on and on..........

[Joachim_Hoss@k.maus.de (Joachim Hoss)]
Spock:  "Yes Captain, this is very.....boring."

Chekov: "Do You know this old *american* fairy tale about....."

Kirk:   "....to simply go, were everyone else went."

or from TNG:

Worf:    " Ok, Ok, even Klingons sometimes (bathe, bluff, get probed, joke
           etc.)!"

Troi:     "Uhhhh, the Joy!" (sounds like an episode wich deserves a X) :-)

Data:     "No Sir, we can't reach the system in two days. I think it'll take
           us about three days, at least."

LaForge:  "No Sir. I can't increase the Power to the shields right now!"

Wesley:   "I haven't even the faintest idea what to do!"

Picard:   "Commander Riker, You have the bridge."

The BORG: "Yes You are right!"

Q:        "Ok. I will take You to the nearest outpost and put anything back
           where it belongs."

And the Line we will never hear but were sure she was about to say it this
time, is:

Dr. Crusher: "I love You, Jean Luc!"

______________________________________________________________________

[Stefan_Radermacher@k.maus.de (Stefan Radermacher)]

Some of you have asked me to post a re-translation of the German episode titles
of TOS.

OK, here you are, but don't say I didn't warn you. 8-)

"Star Trek" was called "Raumschiff Enterprise" ["Space Ship Enterprise"] here.
It originally aired in 1972, but only 39 episodes were shown. The remaining
episodes (except for "The Cage" and "Patterns Of Force") were not shown until
1987! German "Star Trek" was - badly - dubbed in German. The dubbing often made
it seem that "Star Trek" was a bad comedy. In 1972 it was shown at 6 pm on
Saturdays, the time slot usually reserved for children's program. These facts
contributed to the typical German "Star Trek" reputation: a children's show.
Sad, but true.


No.  English Title                       German Title
----------------------------------------------------
# 1  The Cage                            [never shown in Germany]
# 2  Where No Man Has Gone Before        Tip Of The Iceberg          [???]
# 3  The Corbomite Maneuver              Poker Games
# 4  Mudd's Women                        The Women Of Mr. Mudd
# 5  The Enemy Within                    Kirk : 2 = ?
# 6  The Man Trap                        The Last Of Its Kind
# 7  The Naked Time                      Implosion In The Spiral     [??]
# 8  Charlie X                           The Charlie Case
# 9  Balance Of Terror                   Spock Under Suspicion       [oh dear]
#10  What Are Little Girls Made Of?      The Ancient Dream
#11  Dagger Of The Mind                  The Central Nervous System            
                               Manipulator
#12  Miri                                Miri, A Small One
#13  The Conscience Of The King          Kodos, The Executioner
#14  The Galileo Seven                   Emergency Landing On Galileo 7
                                           [this *has* to be the worst]
#15  Court-Martial                       Kirk on Trial
#16  The Menagerie                       Talos IV - Taboo
#17  Shore Leave                         Shore Leave
#18  The Squire Of Gothos                Deadly Games On Gothos
#19  Arena                               Totally New Dimensions      [ouch]
#20  The Alternative Factor              On The Razor's Edge
#21  Tomorrow Is Yesterday               Tomorrow Is Yesterday
#22  The Return Of The Archons           Landru And Eternity
#23  A Taste Of Armageddon               War Of The Computers
#24  Space Seed                          The Sleeping Tiger
#25  This Side Of Paradise               False Paradises
#26  The Devil In The Dark               Horta Saves Her Children
                                           [spoils the plot]
#27  Errand Of Mercy                     Fight For Organia
#28  The City On The Edge Of Forever     Grab Into History           [my god]
#29  Operation: Annihilate!              Spock Out Of Control

#30  Catspaw                             The Haunted Castle In Space  [argh]
#31  Metamorphosis                       Metamorphosis
#32  Friday's Child                      In The Name Of The Young Tiru
#33  Who Mourns For Adonais              The Temple Of Apollon
#34  Amok Time                           Space Fever [see below]
#35  The Doomsday Machine                Planet Killer
#36  Wolf In The Fold                    Wolf In The Fold
#37  The Changeling                      My Name Is Nomad
#38  The Apple                           The Time Of Understanding
#39  Mirror, Mirror                      A Parallel Universe
#40  The Deadly Years                    How Fast Time Passes
#41  I, Mudd                             The Conditioned Ruled
#42  The Trouble With Tribbles           Do You Know Tribbles?
#43  Bread And Circuses                  Bread And Circuses
#44  Journey To Babel                    Journey To Babel
#45  A Private Little War                The First War
#46  The Gamesters Of Triskelion         Master Of Slaves
#47  Obsession                           Deadly Clouds
                                           [totally off again]
#48  The Immunity Syndrome               The Hole In Space
#49  A Piece Of The Action               Epigones
#50  By Any Other Name                   Stone And Dust
#51  Return To Tomorrow                  Mind Seeks Body
#52  Patterns Of Force                   [never shown in Germany]
#53  The Ultimate Computer               Computer M5
#54  The Omega Glory                     The Year Of The Red Bird    [??]
#55  Assignment: Earth                   A Planet Called earth

#56  Spectre Of The Gun                  Wild West In Space
#57  Elaan Of Troyius                    Bride Ship Enterprise
#58  The Paradise Syndrome               The Obelisk
#59  The Enterprise Incident             The Invisible Trap
#60  And The Children Shall Lead         Course For Markus 12
#61  Spock's Brain                       Spock's Brain
#62  Is There In Truth No Beauty?        The Strange Matter
#63  The Empath                          The Plan Of The Vians
#64  The Tholian Web                     The Spider Web
#65  For The World Is Hollow And I       The Misdirected Planet
       Have Touched The Sky
#66  The Day Of The Dove                 The Balance Of Power
#67  Plato's Stepchildren                Plato's Stepchildren
#68  Wink Of An Eye                      What's Humming There?       [aaaahhh]
#69  That Which Suvives                  Dangerous Planet Girls      [please!]
#70  Let That Be Your Last Battlefield   Bele Hunts Lokai
#71  Whom Gods Destroy                   Whom Gods Destroy
#72  The Mark Of Gideon                  Almost Immortal
#73  The Lights Of Zetar                 Rays Attack
#74  The Cloudminders                    The Cloud City
#75  The Way To Eden                     The Jorney To eden
#76  Requiem For Methuselah              Planet Of The Immortals
#77  The Savage Curtain                  Since There Is Men
#78  All Our Yesterdays                  Gate To The Past
#79  Turnabout Intruder                  Dangerous Exchange

Another fitting addition to this list is "Star Trek V":
     The Final Frontier                  At The Edge Of The Universe

______________________________________________________________________

[Anthony_Battles_-T@cso.3mail.3com.com and Scott Mcmullen]

  Top 10 reasons why No one ever uses the Restroom
-----------------------------------------------------------------
10. Wesley wont be able to save the ship.
9.  It would be illogical for Vulcans.
8.  After his assimilation Picard doesn't need to.
7.  Special effects dept. draws a blank on Hi-tech toilets.
6.  Data doesn't know how.
5.  Make up dept. can only do klingon heads and hands.
4.  A tinkerbell entity might enter the available entrance.
3.  As a Joke Geordi keeps reprogramming the toilets to surge instead of 
    flush.
2.  "Klingons Do Not ... go to the bathroom".

And the number one reason why they dont use the restroom (drum roll 
Please).
1.  Deanna would sense it, and then tell everyone.

______________________________________________________________________

[noel@umbc1.umbc.edu]

TOP 10 THINGS FOR DATA TO DO IN THE 1890s

10.  Help Doc Brown get Marty back to 1985
9.  Travel to Boston to convince an Irish Bar owner his descendants should go
    into matter transporter technology
8.  Refine some uranium to hide in a San Fransisco park from Kirk to find in
    "Star trek IV"
7.  Write to author Jules Verne and tell him where he messed up
6.  Start a betting pool on the Spanish-American War
5.  Begin writing novel about future claiming its "Sceince Fiction"
4.  Find out where Starfleet Academy will be and buy up all the land
3.  Two words:  Earthquake Insurance
2.  Annoy Thomas Edison

and the number one thing for Data to do in the 1890s
1. Become the influence for the first comic strip, "The Yellow Kid"

______________________________________________________________________

[unknown; somebody's subject line re "Time's Arrow"]

I Lost my Head in San Francisco

______________________________________________________________________

[Dave McNeely (poster: jdonsbac@cvbnet.prime.com (Jeff Donsbach))]

With the announcement of the latest Star Trek spinoff, Deep Space Nine, it
has become apparent that a special cable channel is becoming necessary to
handle the amount of programming desired by the average Trekkie.
We therefore proudly announce:

                                   Trek TV

Trek TV will rerun episodes of the original series, the animated series,
Star Trek, The Next Generation and Star Trek, Deep Space Nine. The following
shows are also currently under development:

Star Trek - The Last Generation: Follows the adventures of Captain
Christopher Pike and the crew of the original Enterprise (NCC-1701).

Star Trek - The In-between Generation: Follows the adventures of the crew of
the Enterprise (NCC-1701-B), 35 years after the original series, 35 years
before ST-TNG.

Star Trek - The Next Next Generation: Follows the adventures of the crew of
the Enterprise (NCC-1701-E), 70 years after ST-TNG.

We also plan a special featuring the casts of all five shows called The Five
Enterprises to celebrate how long this has been going on and how much money
we've made.

Trek Lite: An anthology of humorous shows from each series, such as The
Trouble with Tribbles and A Piece Of The Action.

Diet Trek: Exercise show host by Marina Sirtris

Trek Babies: Animated show featuring the ST-TNG crew as infants.

The Young James T. Kirk Chronicles: The adventures of Kirk before he became
captain. River Phoenix stars.

Careers: Show discussing the problems of appearing in Star Trek. In the
pilot, Majel Barret talks about the tradeoffs between monogamy and working
with more than one producer.

Get A Life: Talk show focusing on actors who would not have had careers if it
had not been for Star Trek. The pilot features Denise Crosby and Mark Lenard. 
Grace Lee Whitney hosts.

Actors Workshop: Veteran Star Trek actors discuss their craft. The pilot
includes Jonathon Frakes discussing dramatic poses and Walter Koening
discussing screaming.

Trek Talk: Phone in talk show. Nichelle Nichols hosts.

Other shows in development include Do The Trek Thing and Teenage Mutant Ninja
Klingons. We also plan to run reruns of T. J. Hooker and In Search Of.

                                      Trek TV
                             Cable, the final Frontier

______________________________________________________________________

[noel@umbc1.umbc.edu]

TOP 10 SUBJECT HEADINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE HERE

10.  Enterprise vs. Red Dwarf--Who would win?
9.  I have *NO*  theories about "Time's Arrow"
8.  TNG/Simpsons Crossovers
7.  Dr. Pulaski--what a babe!
6.  Patrick Stewart on "American Gladiators"
5.  What's the name of the Vulcan homeworld?
4.  The Bozeman crew is the most intelligent in Starfleet--ever
3.  Lynch's Spoiler review:  "Sex Trek, The Next Penetration"  (apologies Tim)
2.  Admiral Wesley Crusher

and the number one subject heading you will never see
1.  A SERIOUS Top 10 List

______________________________________________________________________

[atkin@cs.umass.edu (Marc Atkin)]

* _Funniest_Plot_Summary_Seen_on_the_Net_:
  "Half a Life": "Whatshisname has to choose between marrying Lwuxana and
  suicide." Sorry, I can't give credit for this - I'm just doing this from
  memory. Kudos to whoever it was!
-- 
Anneliese Heiner           * "Evil will always triumph,
Case Western Reserve       *  because good is dumb!"
     University            *          --Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc,rec.arts.startrek.current