From: anon-1016@twwells.com (Prisoner)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: a long night
Date: 19 Aug 92 09:25:17 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

By the time I got up there and we met, I had been driving for
about the past 24 hours (I couldn't take the scooter on the Maine
turnpike and that added lots of hours) and had been up for some
twelve hours before that. As you might imagine, I was seriously
tired by that time. The point of this is that my memories of then
are very hazy due both to physical and emotional stress. In
particular, I can't tell you times and durations, except maybe
"long", "short", etc. Another point is that I was not anywhere
near as aware as I ought to have been.

We spent a lot of time that evening being physically close and
talking. I don't at all recall the progression from touching to
intimacy to sex. What I remember of that time says that she was
feeling good about things, or at least she said that she was. It
had been my understanding that she would tell me if there was
something wrong so long as she didn't freeze up so I paid a lot
of attention to keeping her talking about what we were doing and
seeing that she was staying in the here and now.

She wrote of saying that she wanted to save herself for someone
else. I don't recall that conversation too well but what I do
remember had her saying that she had expected that her first would
be with some other particular person. I did not get the sense of
"saving herself" for him but rather that she had thought of the
possibility as doing something good for the other person. I
recall saying that this was a good thing since she cared a lot
for that person. I also recall that one of the reasons we agreed
to keep this off the net was that we didn't want to upset that
person.

The thing she reported as my saying that she wasn't a virgin
anyway so this wouldn't matter I don't recall. It sounds odd for
me though; I don't think virginity, of either the actual or
symbolic kind, is important. If I were to have said something
along those lines, it would have been that her virginity or
nonvirginity ought not to make any difference along with saying
that her previous experiences ought not, either. I don't know
that I said that. I might have, though.

One thing I remember is this: at one point fairly early that
evening, I said that I had managed to separate my need for
intimacy from a desire for sex. That was true as far as it went
but there were two things that I didn't think of then. One was
that even though I knew the difference, it was still true that
sex is a kind of intimacy. The other is that whatever I had
managed, she hadn't. What I mean by that is that I hadn't
considered when I said that whether she would understand and be
able to act on the understanding that whatever my needs for
intimacy were that sex wasn't the only way to meet them. I do
recall thinking at one point that her willingness to have sex came
from her trying to do something about my need for intimacy and
that therefore I had used her for this. I don't remember if this
was before or after; it is my fear that it was before and my mind
won't let me remember.

I need to stop again. I'll say more later.


Prisoner



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