From: cyberoid@stein.u.washington.edu (Robert Jacobson)
Subject: A mate relates: Love the one you're with!
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1992 11:20:33 GMT


A couple weeks back I posted a forlorn plea for advice from the
spouses/mates of bis on the net.  My mate (wife is not a word she
enjoys using, so I won't either) had decided to come out and was
preparing to spend an evening with her newly found FSO at a party
to which I was not invited.

Many of you sent notes of support, reminding me however that this is
no different (or shouldn't be) than any extra-couple relationship.  A
few warned me not to expect a threesome (a favorite past fantasy,
which I had renounced prior to this event).  The few spouses/mates who
replied were antsy, like me, but without direct experience in the
matter.  For all the kind words, I was left not knowing if this was
something that could be gotten through.  Separation went through my
mind more than one time.  What a state I was in!

Suffice it to say, it can be gotten over.  This moment of tension can
be worked through, to mutual advantage.  Don't panic.

On the night last weekend when my mate went off to a party -- and
following my spiteful, "left alone little boy" instructions, actually
stayed out the whole night -- I was forced to wrestle with my demons,
jealousy and aloneness.  Yes, it is difficult to be excluded ... and
yet, if I were not excluded, if I hung on, how could my mate find her
own way?

I found myself rather pleased, at 4:30 AM, to be thinking kindly of my
dear and hoping only that she partnered with someone as lovely,
thoughtful, and caring as herself.  I discovered that having a bi mate
satisfied deeper fantasies, ones that go back to childhood experiences
more important than a frivolous threesome (although I confess that I
felt just a bit like a voyeur, even not knowing her partners :-) ).
In giving up my exclusive claim to her person, I experienced a sense
of personal generosity absolutely the opposite of the need to control
which typified my past, always unhappy encounters with these demons.
I must credit a wee hour reading of Carol Pearson's, THE HERO WITHIN,
for my epiphany.  No longer the Orphan, I tried to be the Magician,
the Mage, the one who understands life is what it is.  I think I
succeeded, for that night at least: One's love is as she is.  And is
more beautiful for it.  There was great joy for me in this
understanding.

My mate came home the next morning and found me in the garden, in my
pajamas, cutting roses for her.  Over tea we shared her "adventures."
As it turned out, they were platonic -- but still intriguing.  I
learned much about women from her observations.  She's still a virgin
in an absolute sense, but she's since come out to friends and family
and her relief is tangible ...  which makes my day!  Our lovemaking
in celebration has been grand.

Where do we go from here?  Of course, the passing of her virginity
will be a new turn.  Then there's the burning question, do I meet her
FSO(s) or not?  And the even hotter issue, now that she's offered: Do
I REALLY want a threesome?  Gad, now there's something to contemplate.
Would I do it at all and, if so, with whom?  The old fantasy
stereotypes no longer hold much appeal.  With whom would I truly want
to share?  Hmm ....

Well, I just thought I should post this for other spouses/mates of
bis.  There is life after the small deaths of jealousy and
selfishness, and the aloneness that the spouse/mate of the coming out
bi in a relationship may at first encounter.  One must take pleasure
in one's mate's pleasure, and vice versa.  Then things can work out
well.

Now I now walk around with two wonderful little secrets in my heart: I
have a bi mate and I'm lusting for her right now.  But I bet you could
tell ... !

Bob

PS No, I'm not up because I'm alone again (though I'm actually
welcoming the chance to test my new resolve).  I had a long-standing
obligation to write a paper and pressed the deadline very hard.  Now
to jump into bed with my long, lovely lady and savor the tiny bit of
night that is left to us.

Thank you, all.  We both appreciate your good company and close
feelings.  This is one of the best newsgroups on the net.
Newsgroups: soc.bi