From: andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre,eunet.jokes
Subject: Re: And Still the Moon
Date: 6 Nov 92 13:48:48 GMT
Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK.

Part 11

                     Escaping
		     --------

I've been drinking again.

I don't know where I am, but there's an unusual smell and the floor is
wet.

I get to my feet and my head suddenly feels as if its too heavy for my
neck.  I stumble to the nearest wall and try to lean on it.  I hit the
floor with a soggy thump.  Damn, leaned the wrong way.

Five minutes later I feel better and manage to stand.  I can see a
door in the far wall (Well, I can actually see six doors, a pink
lemon, six Klingon warships and a packet of double chocolate cookies
but that does'nt help the story) I stagger across the floor and grasp
the door handle on the eighteenth attempt (I must be sobering up)

Its Locked !

Well, nothing unusual there.  When you've been locked up as many times
as me, you don't really notice the odd locked door.  I go into my
usual locked-door-opening technique.

"Let me out !!  Help !!  I'm drowning !!  Let me out !!  " I scream
hysterically, banging on the door with my fists.

A key scrapes and turns in the lock and a rough looking gorilla pushes
through the door.  He's carrying a very sharp and dirty meat cleaver
in one hand.  This is'nt good.

"What you making all that noise for " he grunts.

"Where am I ? What am I doing here ? Who are you ?" I ask.

The gorilla scratches his head with the meat cleaver.  Slivers of
metal are broken off the blade by his hair.  This is'nt good either.

"I'll get de boss" he says shutting the door.  I hear the key turn in
the lock.

Then I realise.  He was'nt a gorilla, he was a man (or maybe Darwins
missing link) A gorilla would never wear an orange, flared boiler suit
and open toe sandals.

Five minutes (or one semi-nervous breakdown, two graphic flashbacks
and a dose of the shakes) later the door reopens.  A middle aged man
enters the room.  He's also wearing an orange, flared boiler suit but
he seems to have some kind of rank insignia on his lapels.

"So Heir Moon, ve meet at last" he says in a mildly Germanic accent.

My jaw appears to have locked solid with panic, so I pretend to be
cool, calm and defiantly silent.

"So you are been defiantly silent are ve ?" he says.  "I suppose you
are vondering vhy you are here ?"

I shrug my shoulders and concentrate on clenching my panic racked
buttocks together.  I do wonder why I'm here, but I don't trust my
voice enough to make a comment yet.  I've always had this deep fear of
psychotic Germans in orange boiler suits.

"You are here" <pause for dramatic effect> "To answer for your crimes
against reality and popular literature.  You vill be taken from zis
room, then you vill be tried und shot.  Zere is no escape, I suggest
you make your peace vith your God"

The door slams and I'm left alone.  I'm in trouble.  I don't want to
be shot.  My body will leak !

My eyes scan the cell for a way out.  The door and a small barred
window are the only exit's from the room.  I climb up to the window
and look down on a lake, 50 ft below.  I bang my head against the bars
in frustration.  One bar breaks away and falls, end over end, into the
lake below.  I'm free !

Except for the 50ft drop and the fact that I can't swim !  Then again
I'm allergic to bullets as well so.....

10 minutes later I'm ready.  I scan the pile of useful items I've
collected.

     1 Toothbrush with half the bristles missing
     1 Bottle of emergency alcohol (My Mix 'n' Match mix (see part 10))
     6 packets of M&M's
and  a small, rusty pair of scissors.

I break the rest of the bars out of the window and drink the Mix 'n'
Match.  My entire body seems to turn inside out and upside down and I
can feel myself floating towards the ceiling.  My whole personality
twists and changes until I have the power of Agent Moon (Licensed to
Kill and Keep Tropical Fish)

I quickly control myself and climb out of the window.  The door opens
behind me and I hear a scream of rage and anger.  I prepare to jump
but the gorilla grabs my leg.  I lithely twist and stab the gorilla up
the nose with the handle of my toothbrush.  He falls back in pain.
The German despot aims a gun, I focus my hallucinatory powers and the
gun barrel becomes a bunch of daffodils, music pours from the
handle.......

"I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool"

The German falls back under the horrific onslaught of Little Jimmy
Osmond.

I jump.......

My body arcs gracefully away from the window and begins the descent to
the water.  Every nerve in my body is singing with strength and
energy.  I hit the water in a smooth arc and everything goes black.

Later....

I awake on the banks of a picturesque fjord, somewhere in Norway.  I'm
wearing a pair of pink levis and a turban.  Thats the problem with my
Mix 'n' Match, it has these very peculiar side-effects.  I check the
pockets of my coat.

6 packets of M&M's
a marriage certificate proclaiming me to be the spouse of a goat
called Gerald
and a small pair of rusty scissors.

Ah well. I wonder what Gerald looks like..... ?
-- 
And Still the Moon is Copyright (C) Andy Cannon 1992 but that probably 
won't bother anyone.