From: 0770am01@uhdvx3.dt.uh.edu (AUCLAIR RICHARD)
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat
Subject: Re: Loving The Wrong Man?
Date: 17 Apr 92 20:32:00 GMT
Article-I.D.: uhdvx3.17APR199215323092
Distribution: usa
Organization: University of Houston-Downtown
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41A
X-Lunar-Date: 6 days, 2 hours, 54 minutes since the first quarter of the moon

In article <92108.094318SC687312@ysub.ysu.edu>, <SC687312@ysub.ysu.edu> writes...
>I am currently stuck in a situation that I am very unhappy, and confused in.  I
>am currently dating a guy, (who I've been seeing for four years) who I am very
>much in love with, or so I think so.  I am nineteen years old, and have been se
>eing this guy since I was fifteen, we both attended the same high school.  He
>is a year older that me, and left for Kent State after his graduation, but that
> really isn't the problem.  He comes home every weekend to see me, and I often
>visit him. (I live within the Youngstown area)  But the real problems started a
>bout six months ago, when we had a "serious talk".  We started discussing what
>the future holds for us.  He has about two more years of school, and me about
>three.  Well in that conversation we did indeed discuss marriage.  He stated
>that he did in fact love me, and couldn't  image spending the rest of his
>life with anyone else, but he did also say,that he wasn't positive about our
>future.  He told me that it would be at least six years, before we'd ever tie
>the knot.  He also said he wasn't guaranting anything, and if I didn't want to
>wait, that was fine with him.  He doesn't want me to feel as though I am
>wasting my time with him since we have a undetermined future.  It really
>doesn't matter to much to me now about who I will marry.  I feel as though I am
>too young to even be thinking about marrige.  I am not sure that he is even the
>right guy for me.  Don't get me wrong, I really do love him, it's just that he
>is all I've ever known.  I never really dated anyone else.  There were a few ti
>mes that we had broken up, and he went out with others girls. (That really hurt
> me)  I've never really felt the need, besides the fact no one else ever really
> asked me out.  It was as though I was still his.  Well we made it through
>those times, and are really happy to still be together.  It's just that I reall
>y feel as though he has been taking me for granted lately, and that really
>hurts.  It seems as though I am the one that is always making myself available
>to him whenever he has time, because I feel he comes home to see me, so I shoul
>d make things a bit easier for him.  Lately he has been coming home, but we hav
>en't been seeing much of each other.  He has so many other things he has to
>"take care of".  He has so many other things that have seem to be becoming
>before me lately.  If it's not golfing, it's fishing, if it's not fishing, it's
>softball, and so fourth and so on.  This summer I probably won't see him much
>because of his work, activties and vactions, and mine.  It's really starting to
>scare me because I feel as though we are growing apart.  Maybe this is good in
>a way, because it will give me the chance to go out with other guys, right?  I
>really don't know if he is the Mr. Right anyway, I've never had the chance to
>find out.  Maybe this is the opportunity I've been looking for.  If things seem
>my way, then why am I so unhappy?  I am very confused.

I don't find your unhappiness confusing at all.  This man is all you've ever
known--you have a history together.  Any significant change is perceived as
loss, at least at first.  I hear you saying that he's spending more time away
from you, and that frightens you.  There's nothing wrong with that.  I know you
have sacrificed much of your time and your freedom for him, and I feel that is
quite noble and even touching.  I *think* you feel that he doesn't appreciate
you, and I know I feel hurt when I don't think I've been appreciated.  I
discussed marriage with someone I care for about your age, but I wasn't nearly
as open with it as you two seem to be.  She wasn't ready, either, and she'd
seen more than you have, so your apprehension is quite normal.

>The other night I went out with a really close male friend of mine, and he and
>one of his friends helped me to realize a few things.  They helped me to unders
>tand that I make it to easy for my boyfriend to take advantage of me.  Also
>that I am so very young and that I missing out on dating other people.  Would I
>be able live with myself wondering if he really is the man for me.  I really be
>lieve in marriage, but only once, that is why I really want to be sure of
>myself before making the committment.  The thing is I'm just really confused an
>d unsure of the whole situation.  My boyfriend really hasn't done anything
>wrong, besides leading a very active life.  Things are going pretty good, besid
>es the fact that I don't see him that often.  I really believe that I am happy,
>or is this just what I think is happiness, because I don't know any better?
>I'm really confused and could use any advice, what do you think about the situa
>tion is it love or convienence?
>                                                        --Unsure

I don't see it as love.  I was obsessed with a girl for two years, who I just
recently gave up on.  She was never there for me, and she couldn't be honest
about her feelings, which made intimate communication impossible.  She kept me
at arm's length, and was quite cold to me most of the time.  But it still took
me a long time to get her out of my mind.  Maybe this is something you're 
familiar with, something you understand.  Ask yourself this:  Am I afraid of
starting over, of being alone, of risking being hurt?  If so, is this fear
what's keeping me where I am?

How easy it is to ask someone else.  It helps, true, but only because our
emotions overwhelm our judgment to the point where we can't ask ourselves.

I hope I've helped.

Lightman over, but out.			|Seeking the best in others,   |
					|we seek the best in ourselves.|