HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Adults saying NO and other things
Date: 6 Sep 92 21:20:28 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <92249.162730SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu>, SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu writes:
>My partner will generally ask me yes/no questions, like "Is this okay?"
>Sad to say, on some occasions, I've fought down my feelings and said yes,
>even when it wasn't, because I was so scared to say no. And then I can't
>even tell him afterwards, because I know he won't understand and will be
>mad at me. I appreciate the concern and caring his questions imply, but
>sometimes I wish he wouldn't do it because it makes things seem even
>harder. And because I don't deserve anyone to care about my wishes. Isn't
>that awful???

This is something that I can relate to directly.  I've been in this situation,
but I was the one asking if "Is this okay?"  I didn't (and still don't) know
any other way of finding out what is on her mind without asking those
questions.  (So far just about everyone that I've been with has been through
some kind of abuse, molestation, pregnant, or a multiple personality...)

Of course you deserve people who care about your wishes!  And in my case in
particular, I *CAN'T* enjoy myself nearly as well if I don't *KNOW* she is
having a better time than I!

If there is a better method for handeling this from the other end, please share
it with me, in case I ever end up in that kind if situation again...

Thanks, and E-Hugs offered...

+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us |USnail:3 Danada Square E.|
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | Team Star Charter Member   |       Suite 246         |
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |       Wheaton, Il 60187 |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|           Insert a very witty and thoughtful comment here...               |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 3...
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 18:00:18 GMT

Gavin Flower (Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz) wrote:

: In article <793XqB1w164w@penn.Gwinnett.COM> tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney) writes:
: [...]
: >being a sorta usenett tech 0, HOW do I inform the local postmaster?
: >(send me e-mail on how)
: >and I will be more that HAPPY to do so-
: 
: This ought to be general knowledge anyway, even if only to locate
: someone, whom you think is at that host.
: 
: post.master@penn.Gwinnett.COM
: 
: Would get to *your* local post master, essentially it is the relevant
: full host name after the "@".

Only on some machines.  Most use the user ID "postmaster" (no period).  This
is how most news software is set up as the default user to notify of problems.
It's also the default in sendmail.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Subject: Talking with my brother about the abuse
Organization: Reed College, Portland, OR
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 17:38:48 GMT



     I talked to my brother last night.  He received the letter I sent him
regarding our childhood abuse, and he agreed with everything I said.  I
didn't mention any of the sexual abuse yet for fear of him putting his
barriers up.  I'm going to meet with him this weekend and talk about it.
I was surprised at how real he sounded on the phone.  I half expected him
to say I was crazy and that we had a good childhood.  So I'm hopeful, and
looking forward to meeting my first nephew.  I've been going over what I
want to talk with him about, and I think I'll tell him about most of what
I remember in my early years, without going into detail about the horrors
I recall somewhat later.  I may drop a hint, depending on how he deals
with it.  I don't want to shut him down or make him defensive, so I'll try
to be slow and gauge how it goes.
     On a side note, my wife and I have decided to adopt a dog.  We've been
shopping around for one.  I saw a nice Shar Pei adult yesterday that's high
on our list.  We're both excited about that.  I hope it will get along with
our cat.  Oh well...

     Take care, all.
     Robert

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: good news
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 22:58:15 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


thought i'd post some good news as a change of pace.  :)


as of tomorrrow (Friday) i begin working on my first show!!!!
I am an aspiring set/sound designer and i work in the sound booth as one
of my workstudy jobs.......they're letting me design the sound for the
first Studio production!!

*VERY VERY VERY HAPPY*


they must be crazy eh?  hehe..take advantage of it while i can right?

JASMYNE



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Survivor in denial?
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 20:46:38 GMT

Allen D. Taylor (taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu) wrote:

: She is asking him; "Here is a line that I am asking you to stay on your side
: of."  He made repeated assaults on that boundary, but she refused to move
: the boundary.  She is taking a passive role of saying, "stop what you're doing 
: TO ME!"  He is saying, "I can do anything I want TO YOU, and nothing you say 
: will convince me otherwise!"

Well, that's not the case as I see it, although this may very well be what she
is experiencing.

: I don't see a double standard here.  I am saying she can communicate with, or
: not communicate with, whomever she pleases.  If that excludes our hero,
: then so be it.  He is saying he has the right to FORCE his communication on
: her.  I just don't agree with that.

Oh, not at all.  He's saying that he objects to her attempts to hurt him by
withholding communication.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1212@twwells.com
Subject: shit
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 12:14:46 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

just when I get enought courage to put something up here ...the whole
net seems to go haywire ...

I suppose that is it for the weekend ...

Friday evenings and Saturday eveings are sheer hell with no one to talk to ...



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From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Subject: so's newsgroup
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division, Intel Corp.
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 23:10:27 GMT

 	Sandro writes:

I can't really speak for the SO's and whether they might want a group,
but I can expand on something I said a few weeks ago: I don't like
reading what most SOs here say about their partners.  I don't think
making another group will actually get them out of here, though, so I
don't care about the other group.  (And I'm sure many people feel
quite differently on this issue.)  I'll just keep doing my best to
keep track of who has what kind of attitude and avoid reading postings
from or about the people here who annoy me.

Thanks for listening to my minority opinion.

Actually, I've been thinking for a few days about how much ASAR has
been bugging me the last week or two.  It seems to go into these modes
where people are only talking about things that make me uncomfortable.
Yes, I know the change is probably in me.

I guess I just have to get better at selecting what I want to see and
what I don't want to see.

	-- sandro   (sandro@ELF.com)


	I like the idea of a seperate newsgroup for so's. (SOS? :-)
	Guess I'm selfish about this group.  Hope I don't offend...

	PW
-- 
_____________________________________________________________________________
Peter Warton (the h was dropped over 800 years ago) warton@ssd.intel.com
Against my better judgement, not to mention the advice of my friends, I speak 
for myself.
From: sandro@asylum.UUCP (Sandro Wallach)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Adults saying NO and other things
Date: 5 Sep 92 21:24:53 GMT

Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower) writes:
>Maybe the partner of someone who can't say "no", should ask a question
>which requires a significant positive answer to continue, rather than
>an absence of a negative one?

>Could some survivors comment on the above please.

I can try.  (I'm a man, and most of my partners have been men (and most
of the close ones were survivors), so I can't really comment from
experience on your perception of gender differences.  I know I've seen
myself and my partners acquiesce to the point where it was a problem,
but whether that happens more or less in women, I don't know.)

Anyway, in my experience, phrasing isn't enough.  If I'm being
acquiescent, I'll do my best to figure out what my partner wants and
go along, no matter what I want or feel.  It doesn't really matter
what he says or how he asks a question: it matter what I think he
wants.  And if I know he finds me sexually attractive, it'll be almost
impossible to convince me he doesn't want sex.  (Fortunely for me,
I've found ways of saying no most of the time, in recent years.)  In
this context, consent is almost meaningless.  The best you can do is
convince me you really don't care, but I probably wont believe you.

The better approach is to get me to stop acquiescing!  Someone else
suggested that the way to do this is listen to and respect your
partner's desires on everything, so they come to trust the idea of
actually having decision-making power around you.  I think this is a
great idea, but I don't know if it can be done consciously -- I've
never seen it done right.  Pretending to do this and failing (because
deep down you don't really have the necessary respect) may be even
worse than not trying, because you're breaking trust.  (I've been on
each side of that a couple times.)

I guess you have to understand where this acquiescence comes from.
It's not just some bit of training in being polite!  In my experience,
it comes from a deep fear and need.  If someone is scared of you (and
many survivors are scared of almost everybody) they're not likely to
tell you some truth you don't want to hear.  And just because they
sometimes do it, don't rely on it.

Any crack in the foundation of mutual respect and equality is fertile
ground for continuing abuse.  This is true between all people,
including lovers, coworkers, and parents and children.

	-- sandro   (sandro@ELF.com)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 3...
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 19:33:43 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

In article <Xey4qB4w164w@penn.Gwinnett.COM> tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney) writes:
>Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower) writes:
>> In article <793XqB1w164w@penn.Gwinnett.COM> tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted d
>> [...]
>> >being a sorta usenett tech 0, HOW do I inform the local postmaster?
[...]
>> This ought to be general knowledge anyway, even if only to locate
>> someone, whom you think is at that host.
>        nope, I am using a server (am Not at a university or other
>        tech literate place (heard about usenett from an ex aquataince,
>        and well- sorta got hooked....!)
>
>you are talking to the person who is just NOW figuring out how to copy and
>delete files....(sigh/smile)
>> post.master@penn.Gwinnett.COM

After I posted this, I found the hard way, that my system didn't have
a full stop in postmaster.

Most (?) systems have online help of some kind, some brief hints:-


  On UNIX systems: try typing

man

  at the prompt (short for manual).  Except this didn't work on the
  first UNIX system I learnt on!.


  Various UNIX programs often respond to either of "?" or "h" for help.



  Some other systems provide some help when you type

help

  at the prompt.



N.B.  I'm *not* a UNIX guru.

The best help is often asking a friend, or contacting the local help
desk, or its equivalent.


>> Would get to *your* local post master, essentially it is the relevant
>> full host name after the "@".
>Cool! (see- you DO learn things by asking questions- so there!)


Gavin

-- 
Tomorrow's Society                              | flower_g@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
    Depends on                                   ----------------------------
Today's Children  - help us raise them properly! 
*******  These comments have no known correlation with dept. policy!  *******
From: sandro@asylum.UUCP (Sandro Wallach)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: If you're going to see "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me"....
Summary: This movie needs big warning stickers
Date: 7 Sep 92 20:01:20 GMT

This movie should have a big sticker on it: "Warning: contains scenes
of explicit incest, rape, and other sexual and emotional violence."

I'll explain a little.  I'm not going to give away anything about the
plot or details of what it contained.  That is, this posting does not
contain spoilers in the original sense of spoiling a mystery, nor in
the asar sense of warnings.

I guess I should have known, since it is by David Lynch.  Maybe I did
know what I was getting myself into, and some part of me decided it
would be *good* to see this stuff.  Ouch.  It hurt a lot.  I managed
to get up and walk out for a few seconds, but then I went right back
in....

And it was *not* hitting my buttons right on.  The characters were
nothing like my family, in gender, age, personality, or looks.  But it
was still overpowering at times.  I guess Lynch knows how to make a
good movie, or something.  (If the genders and ages had been closer to
mine, I think I would have had to leave immediately.)

On the plus side, I thought the portrayed survivoral and recovery
efforts were far more accurate than I've seen in a Hollywood
production.  Maybe that's why it hurt so much.  For that, I guess I'm
glad I saw the movie.  But then, it's hard to undo, so I might as well
accept it, or something.

Anyway, I just thought I should warn everyone here not to do something
as stupid as I did.  If you're familiar with Lynch's work (I saw Blue
Velvet a long time ago), and Twin Peaks (never seen it), you may be in
a better position to know what you're getting yourself into.  If you
want to go but think it might be dangerous, maybe go with someone
who'll understand and wont mind leaving with you in the middle if you
have to, or at least who wont worry inappropriately if you do leave.

	-- sandro (sandro@ELF.com)







Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Re: On being powerless
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:44:50 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

 bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney) said:
<<One thing I used to believe was I had magical powers.
<<That if I did things *just right*, I could end or prevent my abuse.

    I wept when I read that, Robert.  I am sure it was true for a
    lot of us.    And  we  tried  soooo hard.  And it didn't work
    (sigh)
    
    What did we get  out  of it?  A compulsion to overachievement
    and perfectionism.  Those can  be a bane too. :-<  I am trying to
    get them back into perspective, so that maybe I can view them
    as something at least partially positive.   Out of them I got some pretty
    good skills which now I can put to  work  for me ...  just so
    long  as  don't let the compulsive feelings behind them  rule
    me.
    
"Kristian"



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From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test
Date: 14 Sep 92 23:54:52 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4

Hi.  This is a test, sorry you didn't ignore it.
MMMark.

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: zitsky+@CS.CMU.EDU (Mark Ryan Miller)
Subject: Re: Need advice
Organization: Carnegie Mellon University
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 20:55:53 GMT

(Hope this is OK.)

Someone mentioned that they couldn't read the message 
I posted earlier?  It looks OK on my end using "xrn"
here in Pittsburgh.  How does it look to you???
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: TY.AU7@isumvs.iastate.edu (C. MARIE RIGGINS)
Subject: Re: Self-defense class?
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Distribution: usa
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 23:30:59 GMT

In article <1992Sep03.195814.27488@sco.com>,
joannee@sco.COM (Joanne Eglash) writes:
>
>Has anyone taken a self-defense class, such as Model Mugging,
>or perhaps something such as karate or other martial arts?
>I am debating enrolling in a karate class, because I think that
>the feeling of being able to fully defend myself against any
>attempted assault would help me feel protected. I have a lot of
>fears about taking that class, though, and going through what
>I think would bring up a lot of memories. I'd appreciate hearing
>from other survivors who have taken such courses ( or  are currently
>enrolled) and how it has been for them.
>
>Thank you very much,
>Joanne

I would also be very interested in self-defense classes as I am only
5'1 1/2" and approx. 90 lbs.  Needless to say I'd make a very good
target if I had to go out at night on campus.
Thanks
Marie :)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: nightmares
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date:  9 Sep 1992 08:17 EST  

In article <Bu98G6.CDs@twwells.com>, anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes...
>I know that everyone doesn't believe in these things
>but i do, and it's given me a little positive push. I'm not as depressed
>as i was......but i am still depressed....this is a deep one.
> 

This could get me thrown out of engineering forever, but I'm one of those 
people that says "Whatever works."  If tarot reading and auras and other 
(what some people call way-out) things work for you and give you help and 
hope, as far as *I'm* concerned go for it.

>Speaking of, a friend of mine told me he wants me to call him if i ever
>am real bad. i know people say this all the time. How often do they mean
>it? I never call, even though i've promised on occasion.....i never want
>to bother them (common theme?).

I think it's a common theme.  Certainly it is for me.  I also don't want to 
be a "bother".  I will "suck it up" and usually *not* call until I have no 
choice.  Really I guess that's the worst thing I can do to myself and them, 
since by that point I *need* someone to listen, and if they can't we're 
both in a pickle.
Hmmm...I think I need to digest that last thought.

Gentleness to all!
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: ***SPOILER**** too much, not enough
Organization: Purdue University SVM
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 18:10:26 GMT

***************spoiler posting, so you know... no  function
here*****









Well.
I am so depressed.  My ex so, who I couldn't let go of, ( one of my
issues) used sex to try and get rid of me. To see how far I would go
to please him and make myself feel dirty. I went farther than I should
have. I hgave him a blow job, which I told him I hated.

He says when I get sane, he might be my friend.

I know many of you have supportive So's from reading the posts... but
I don't think I will ever get to that point. I keep going at this
alone, and the point doesn't seem there. I would cry except that I
don't cry. THo I have been closer to it lately than I have been for a
long time.

I had to work today, and I thought about writing this all day. That
helped. Being able to reach out and ask questions...

Is there a point in going on if my whole life is a serious of what I
can do for others...? ALways, people take advantage of me and it makes
me so mad. COdependancy sucks.

I think about killing myself, but I am not that brave. I think there
is some reason to go on. SIlly me.

He used my sensitive area, even after I had told him about the abuse
and about the new things I am remembering...
he used me for sex, because he said he did it basically because he was
horny but also because it would make me leave.

I can't stand who i am becoming in this. Lost. Again. Will I ever be
able to love freely and be loved back?
I keep looking for someone to love me, truly love me... I have
friends, and I am a friend. but sometimes it just doesn't seem enough.

I want someone to hold me in the dark of the night so the nightmares
will go away
-brandywine
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Tammy Zywicki
Date: 9 Sep 92 15:18:38 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

>Last week I started to get nervous because I worked late every day,
>and after the sun sets the parking lot at work is really *dark*.
>There was an attempted mugging a few weeks ago, and I've decided not
>take any chances - from now on, if I work past the time the sun goes 
>down, I'm going to go out and move my car right in front of the
>entrance under the lights.  Paranoid?  I don't care.

For what it's worth, I work Security.  Each time I've worked an office building
(IE: a Motorola programming building) whenever someone would request it, we
would walk people out to their cars, or just keep an eye on them until they are
off the property from the door way...  If something ever went wrong, we ALWAYS
had 2-Way radios to contact help IMMEDIATELY.  If your building has some kind
of Security people, you might want to ask...  Even if they don't have any
direct instructions to do so, I don't know anyone who would refuse...

+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us |USnail:3 Danada Square E.|
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | Team Star Charter Member   |       Suite 246         |
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |       Wheaton, Il 60187 |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again.(Who the hell is Mary anyways?)|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery