From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The DEfinitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 3
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:52:54 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                             Chapter 3

                          The Glory Years


Back on the Enterprise, Kirk has Uhura inform Starfleet about their
encounter with the Klingons.  An emergency session is convened at
Starfleet Command and the Federation declares war against the Klingon
empire.  Meanwhile, Kirk has already started destroying Klingon ships.

Much to his disappointment, Kirk is not given the order to
go in and devastate Kronos, the Klingon home world.  Rather, the
Enterprise is sent to
the planet Organia, a planet which not only becomes the front line
in the Federation-Klingon War but also, oddly enough, is populated
by beings of pure energy who ultimately give the cosmic-garden-hose
to these lower life forms who haven't yet learned how to play together.
Alas, Kirk missed an opportunity to make history as a war hero.

In fact, it was beginning to look as though Spock was right: up to this
point they really hadn't done anything of historical significance.  True,
they had already encountered no less
than ten advanced civilizations but, with
Kirk as our representative, the human race was, understandably, regarded
as a race of barbarians who couldn't possibly understand their ways.

Actually, that's just as well because, following the same reasoning that
lead to the Prime Directive, the Federation did not want to learn
anything from advanced civilizations for fear that such knowledge would
transform their "normal cultural evolution."  This meant that all
androids and computers left over by ancient civilizations had to be
destroyed along with the knowledge of how to build them.  Kirk, of
course, had no problem with this particular directive even though it
meant foregoing a time machine,
the Romulan cloaking device, the ultimate learning machine,
the ultimate stimulant and a telekinesis drug.

The Prime Directive, however, was a real pain.  Kirk managed to get
around it though by going to planets that had "already been contaminated"
and thus "the damage had already been done", the net result being that
at the end of thirteen years, Kirk would be revered as a God on no less
than
ten planets while violating the Prime Directive a mere four times\footnote
{In "The Return of the Archons," Kirk claims that he's not violating
the Prime Directive because the Prime Directive only applies to a
society making "healthy progress".  This is obviously bullshit.  If all
Kirk has to do is decide that a society wasn't "healthy" then the
Prime Directive isn't worth the paper it's written on.  Kirk also
violates the Prime Directive in "The Apple", "The Gamesters of
Triskelion" and "The Cloudminders".  He also violates the Prime
Directive in "A Taste of Armegeddon" but, in that case, he does so
under orders from a Federation ambassador!}.

Meanwhile, Kirk was able to make a name for himself as a savior of the
Galaxy.  Having already rid the Federation of the threats of Romulan
invasion, of the ambitious and powerful Sylvia and of Khan Noonian
Singh (or so he thought), Kirk went on to destroy the farting pancakes
of Deneva, the Nomad probe, the entity known as Redjek, the gaseous cloud
of Tycho IV, the Doomsday Machine, the giant amoeba that existed in a
region of negative energy, Gorgon (the "friendly" angel) and the
Zetarians while at the same time soundly defeating Apollo, the Orions,
the Providers of Triskelion, the Kelvans,
the hate-monger (with the aid of Klingons, no less), the superhuman
meglomaniac "Lord" Garth of Izar and the equally insane Dr. Janice
Lester.  As if that wasn't enough to satisfy the glory hungry Captain
Kirk,
Kirk (the "swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions
of godhood" - Klingon Commander Koloth) would eventually have no
less than five successful post-Organian-conflict encounters with
hostile Klingons before real negotiations for peace could begin.  Truly,
these were the glory years for Kirk.

NEXT: "A Hostile Creature"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca