From: jacobsen@cc.swarthmore.edu (Robin Jacobsen)
Subject: Re: Some good alternatives to hitting
Followup-To: misc.kids
Organization: Swarthmore College
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 14:48:19 GMT

When my 4.5 (Katie) and I are having a difference of opinion and we both
get angry usually she wants something and won't listen to me say "No". 
I'll tell her that we both need to count to ten.  We count to 10 together
and take a big breath together.  This will help her to stop demanding
and/or crying and me to get into control.  After we count (sometimes to
20!) I then tell her why I was upset and let her tell me why she was upset.
 This works well for us and we can calm down enough to go thru some
appropriate choices of good behavior.

In article <1992Jul18.133318.9600@usenet.ins.cwru.edu>, dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu
(Douglas Fowler) wrote:
> 
> 
>      Please, no flames or other comments - this is to get this off my
> chest to some extent, but it bothers me that we think it's okay to hit
> other people.  Now, for some very dangerous things, it may be necessary
> to give one little swat, but the soreness will be remembered if it's only
> for 510 seconds, so it's not necessary to use any strength.  If you hit
> for other things, they won't understand which are really important.
>      Here are alternatives, listed according to circumstances - if anyone
> has others, please e-mail.  I have a friend who has just had a child and
> would like some. (Please, NO arguments for or against - just alternatives
> that I haven't covered here.)
>      Generally:  Many parents I know have begun negotiating some things
> as early as 2.5.  Of course, you end up having to put your foot down rather
> quickly at times, but if you offer choices they will listen more because
> they feel like they have control over at least part of their lives.  The
> choices should be within the rules and come with short explanations,
> even for this age - for instance, "you have to wear something more because
> it is so cold.  Do you want to wear your jacket or a sweatshirt?"  Only
> set limits that are important.
>      When they break rules:  Look for logical consequences that are
> enforceable - for instance, my Aunt Cyndy's son Matthew told a close
> friend when they were both about 4 that he had to jump out of Matthew's
> treehouse or he would push him out.  She lectured him on friendship, made
> him go and apologize (the boy broke his leg, and she wanted him to
> understand the pain), and said he couldn't play with him for 5 days.  This
> was very effective because he really missed his friend after a few days,
> and she wanted him to feel how it would feel if he were to lose friends,
> which he would if he threatened like that.  He hasn't done it since.  This
> leads to my next point...
>      Make them feel bad inside:  Hitting won't often accomplish your goal
> of making them feel bad for what they did.  The best way is to use timeout
> - in a chair, corner, or room (where they're more likely to understand the
> limit because of the closed door) - by telling them what they did wrong,
> why it was bad, and to think about it while in timeout.  If they're not old
> enough to really think about things like that, use it by just saying what
> they did was bad and that they need to go to (chair, corner, room) for x
> minutes because they were bad.  ALWAYS remind them of your love, or
> they'll remember the fear that their mommy or daddy doesn't love them
> anymore, and this will greatly dampen any lesson that could be learned.
>      If they hit...:  Hitting them back isn't as effective as timeout, but
> if you must it can't be hard (i.e.: over 15 seconds of soreness) and must
> be accompanied by love.  It's much easier to saying NO hitting in this
> household, especially because WHAT THEY USUALLY WANT IS ATTENTION,
> AND HITTING *IS* GIVING THEM THAT.
>      Finally, if you're too angry or upset, send them to their room or lock
> yourself in your own room; any harsh hitting will make the child very
> fearful, and will lessen the respect he or she has for you as a person
> capable of giving the unconditional love that children need.  One little
> swat may be understandable *if* it doesn't hurt over 15 or 20 seconds
> and is accompanied by love, but children *love* to see reactions.  IF
> THEY SEE YOU LOSE CONTROL, THEY'VE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANT AND
> WILL DO IT AGAIN.  Tell them you're upset.  Tell them you love them so
> much you are leaving the room.  Threaten to scream if you have to, then
> do it, but beware - they WANT that attention.
>      Again, no flames or other complaints, but if you have other alternatives
> you may send them.
> -- 
> Doug Fowler: dxf12@po.CWRU.edu      :    "Every baby born into the world is
> Real home: Canton, Ohio             :  finer than the last."--Charles Dickens
>  Trying to follow in the path of our :     "A baby is an inestimable
> Lord;anything close will be a success:  blessing and bother."--Mark Twain