From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 5
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:54:58 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                    The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                                Chapter 5

                           Historical Accuracy


Picard is, once more, in his ready room recording his log.

"Captain's Log, stardate 41882.3.  The creature which had been
terrorizing the people of Vega Colony has been captured and is being
contained on the planet surface.  Specialists in first contacts with
unusual life forms are now being brought in in an attempt to communicate
with it.

"Meanwhile, in attempt to determine whether there were ever any
sightings of such a creature before, Lieutenant Commander Data has
informed me that in a review of the Log of the original Starship
Enterprise as recorded by then Captain James Kirk, it was found that
he, his First Officer and Chief Medical Officer encountered a creature
which
may be of the same type as this creature, if not *the* same creature.
Either way, that creature was believed to be destroyed by phaser fire.
Although I, personally, do not approve of how he resolved the situation,
Kirk obviously saw that creature as a threat and acted in a manner
consistent with his experience.  I only hope that his actions a back
then do not in any way impede our efforts to live in peace with the
creature we are encountering now, a century later.  Log entry over."

Picard sits momentarily with his left elbow on the table in front of
him and his mouth resting against his open fist.  He looks up at the
door and decides to go assume his place on the bridge.

On the bridge, Picard finds Riker, Troi, Data and Wesley sitting
at their stations around the command chair.  Worf stands behind, the
large console in front of him made to blend in with the decor of the
bridge.
The Captain sits down.

"Status, Lieutenant?"

Data replies, "Maintaining standard orbit around the planet below, Sir."

Picard nods in approval.  "Well, Number One," he says, refering to
Commander Riker.  "I've just been considering Federation history."

Riker smirks.

"It seems the original Starship Enterprise visited this
planet nearly a century ago."

Riker eyes widen slightly.

"As you no doubt know, the Captain of the Starship Enterprise at the
time was Captain James Kirk but did you know that not only was he Captain
of that Starship for thirteen years *but* that he assumed command
following the V'ger incident despite having been promoted to Admiral?"

Riker smirks and nods.  "They say he loved his ship more than any woman."

"Yes," says Picard, raising his eyebrows, "and that's not all they
say in that regard either."

Riker smirks again.

"Number One, over the course of twenty years, James Kirk in command
of the original Enterprise saved the Federation countless times."

Data turns around.  "Fifteen times to be exact."  Everyone looks at Data.
"According to Kirk's own logs."

"Indeed, well that *is* a legacy to proud of."

Worf: "If I may say so, Captain, Kirk is highly respected in Klingon
history as well.  For a Klingon, it was a great honour to die in battle
against *the* Captain Kirk."

Picard looks subdued.  "Perhaps, Worf, but that is one aspect of our
history that we don't take pride in."  Worf looks annoyed.

There is a momentary silence which Wesley breaks.  "You know, I've been
thinking, seeing as how we have so much information on Kirk, why don't
we recreate him on the holodeck?"

Picard nods.  "Interesting suggestion, Ensign, but it would have to
wait until our mission is completed here."

Meanwhile, in the Vega Colony, the Federation experts have made a
breakthrough with the creature, now being able to have it respond to
their questions.  They send a message to the Enterprise telling them
that their presence is no longer needed.  The Enterprise leaves orbit.

During his lunch break, Wesley goes around asking people if they're
interested in experiencing a recreation of the original Enterprise.
Picard, Riker, Data and his mother are interested but Troi, Geordi
and Worf are not (Worf: "Do you really expect me to just walk up
to your hologram of Kirk and *shake hands*?").  That evening,
he has the replicator make five period uniforms.  He puts on an
a junior engineer's uniform on, goes to Holodeck 1 and asks the computer
to recreate the bridge of the original Enterprise circa 2270.

The holodeck doors open and Wesley finds himself walking onto a
perfect replica of the old bridge.  He looks around.  There's a "security
guard" on his right standing between him and "Lieutenant Uhura",
"Commander Spock" is at the science station, "Lieutentants Chekov
and Sulu" are at navigation and helm and "Doctor McCoy" is standing to the
left of "Captain Kirk" who sits in the command chair.  Just then, the
"security guard" walks up to him and asks him what he's doing on the
bridge.

"Oh, uh ... I've ... just been transfered from Starbase 7.  I thought
I'd take a look at the bridge."

"You don't belong here!  Go back to Engineering!"

"Uh ... computer: freeze program."  The holograms stop moving.  Wesley
walks around "the bridge", looking at the holograms with a goofy smile on
his face.  He makes his way back to the door.  "Computer: exit."  He
leaves.


The next morning, Wesley is standing infront of the doors to Holodeck 1
dressed in a red shirt with one stripe on each sleeve indicating the
rank of Lieutenant.  Picard, dressed in a Captain's uniform, and Data,
as a Lieutenant Commander, walk up to him.

"Ensign, that's a Lieutenant's uniform you're wearing."

"It was necessary, Captain."

Just then Riker comes along, looking down at his shirt as if it
had a big stain all over it.  "Captain, I don't think green is the
right colour for me.  I mean, Captain, do I look like a First Officer
in this?"

Picard hesitates to answer.  "Actually, Commander, I don't think the
shirt has anything to do with it."

Riker looks hurt.

"Perhaps you should grow a beard."

Riker assumes a look of profound thought.

Finally, Doctor Crusher comes along wearing a red uniform that reveals
her long legs.  Picard is noticably moved.

"Are we ready?" Wesley asks.

"What?  Oh, yes, of course.  Make it so."

"Computer: Crusher Program 10."

The doors open.  "What about Data?  What are we supposed to say about
him?" Doctor Crusher asks as they step forward.

"They're all programed to see a Vulcan," Wesley replies.  He then
turns to the "security guard" on duty.  "You're dismissed, Ensign."

"Yes, Sir, Lieutenant," the hologram replies.  It then steps behind
them and vanishes.

The holograms of Kirk and McCoy turn to look at Data, Riker, Picard and
Doctor Crusher as they step forward.  "To what do I owe the pleasure,
gentlemen?" "Kirk" asks.  "... and lady."  "Kirk" smiles at Doctor
Crusher.

Doctor Crusher whispers in Picard's ear.  "The computer's got him
pegged alright."

Picard hams it up.  "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, this is my First
Officer Commander Riker, my Second Officer Lieutenant Commander Satak
and my Chief Medical Officer Doctor Beverly Crusher.  You're to take us
to Starbase 9.  We're to assume command of a ship there, the U.S.S.
Valiant."

"Kirk" extends his hands in front of him, frowns a bit
and cocks his head to one side.  "This is a bit unusual."

"The current Captain, First, Second and Medical Officers are all
retiring.  We're to assume their mission."

The hologram of Kirk looks incredulous.  "Well, then, why didn't
they just go to Starbase 7 and pick you up themselves?"

Picard throws out his hand, fakes a laugh and shakes his head.

"Kirk" shakes his head and laughs.  "That damned Starfleet bureaucracy."
He turns to face forward.  "Chekov, plot a course for Starbase 9.
Sulu, ahead warp factor six."

"Spock" looks up.  "Captain, at warp factor six, we'll reach Starbase
9 in three days, eleven hours and forty-seven minutes."

Riker whispers in Picard's ear.  "How the hell is he supposed to know
that?"

Picard whispers back.  "Obviously, a mistake in the program."

"Kirk" looks at them and cocks his head to one side.  "Something
wrong, gentlemen?"

"No, everythings fine," Picard replies.

"What about you, Jim, are you feeling alright?" the hologram of McCoy
asks "Kirk".

"I'm fine, Bones, ... really," he replies, looking tired.

"Well, I'd like to see for myself if you don't mind."  The hologram
of McCoy straightens up, checks his pockets, looks as though he's about
to swear and then notices Doctor Crusher's medical bag.  "May I borrow
your bag for a moment, Doctor?"

Doctor Crusher is so engrossed in the sophistication of the holographic
illusion that she almost doesn't hear the question.  "Oh, of course,
go ahead."

"Thank you."  "McCoy" opens the bag.  "Say this stuff is really
state-of-the-art!"

"Yes, it's the latest from Starfleet Medical."

"McCoy" takes out her all-purpose-diagnostic-device and waves it in
front of "Kirk".  "McCoy" looks puzzled.

"Bones, what's wrong?"

"You're dead, Jim."

"What?!"

Picard: "Computer, freeze program."

Wesley: "Sorry, Sir."

"That's alright, Wesley.  We were only going to stay a few minutes
anyway.  My goodness, that was exciting!  So real!"  He turns to the
door.  "Computer: exit."  They wait for Doctor Crusher to retrieve
her bag and leave.


Later, Wesley is talking to Worf on the bridge.

"It was really neat!"

Worf looks annoyed.  "Klingons don't like 'neat'."

"But, Worf, wouldn't you like to have met Kirk?"

"Wesley, I have more important things to worry about.  *Now leave me
alone*!"

Wesley looks like he's about to say "Gee."

Worf calms down.  "I didn't mean to get angry, Wesley."  Wesley looks
relieved.  "Now go!"  He does!

Worf finishes his shift and goes into the turbolift.  "Deck 10," he says.
The turbolift takes him to deck 10 and the doors open.  He walks out
and goes to the nearest holodeck.  "Callisthenics program of Lieutenant
Worf, level 10."  The doors open and Worf enters.

Worf finds himself on a world where the land is violently shaking and
crumbling away revealing pits of molten lava.  He turns and sees,
standing in front of him is a hologram of Admiral James Kirk!

"Alright, Klingon, my son is dead, my ship's destroyed and now you're
going to pay!"

The hologram of Kirk lurches forward, just missing Worf.  Worf elbows
him in the back, causing him to drop onto his knees.  Before, "Kirk"
can get up, Worf kicks him at the base of the spine.  With "Kirk" lying
face down, struggling to get up, Worf kicks him in face.  The hologram
of Kirk is no longer moving.  Worf screams with satisfaction.

NEXT: "That's Entertainment, Mon Capitaine!"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative