From: dew@acca.nmsu.edu (Universal Angel)
Subject: Re: Preface: please critique!
Organization: Alternative Collegiate Computing Association
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1993 01:45:15 GMT


Just some critique -- take in a good light.


In article <1993Jan11.202331.1@hamp.hampshire.edu> hjanules@hamp.hampshire.edu writes:
>Preface
>

i'm not sure how this relates to the poem.... what is being prefaced? what
is the preface?


>Like a timebomb marching backwards, 
>the numbers of the alarm clock ascend
>to detonate my dreams...
>

destructive words (timebomb, detonate) start you out with a mindset that
it's nightmares. hmm, the ascending numbers are compared to a marching backwardstimebomb... i'm not sure about the meaning in that. i'm seeing very cyclical
things, tho that's probably not what you mean.

>each morning
>a man's voice narrates today's disasters
>that I roll over as I discover, 
>like columbus,
>a rich continent of warmth...
>

hmm, "roll over"... are you rolling over the disasters physically, or are
you just rolling over in bed? ok, it's the morning radio news. the only thing
i don't really like here is "columbus" because it's so expected. discovery
is strongly connected to columbus in thought. perhaps something not so
typical. "I discover, like _____"

>breathing
>your skin is pale canvas breathing
>as you swim to the surface of the room, 
>through the murky river of sleep,
>losing to the drought of disaster man...
>

this is my favorite part of the poem -- i love these images. but "disaster
man" throws off the lullabye. it's very harsh. is this intentional? to
emphasise the waking?

>talking
>we begin our ritual of talking,
>of goodmornings and hellos
>and the newscasting of nightmares,
>	live from the subconscious, 
>	what I dreamed of...
>

it is interesting to me that in the midst of all the nightmares, these 2
are still cheerful enuff to say good morning and hello. 

>today
>and everyday, your eyes like blue marbles
>spotlight my morning face
>smiling,
>as you write the preface to each of my days
>that fal into chapters and volumes
>of a love story
>I can't put down.

for some reason i like "your eyes like blue marbles spotlight my morning
face," tho for the life of me i can't see how a marble would in any way
relate to a spotlight. these people seem happy! it's very odd. like i said,
thru the nightmares of sleep and the waking world, these 2 can yet see
past it to each other and be glad enuff to smile. yes? ok, now i see how
the title fits in here with the last few lines. preface. you don't mean
writing in a literal sense, do you? perhaps this person has enuff
importance to influence the other's day so much that they would become
a preface to it. and then the common idea of the book of days of your life.
are these 2 lovers, apparently? and why can't the story be put down?

gosh, i hope this has been somewhat helpful. keep creating.


dEw

Outside, the quiet garden, still in scented sleep,
Let in the night that led you past your pain,
The long-closed morning-glories, far from dawn,
Four o'clocks folding before the cankered shade
In which you said "please hold me" and were gone.
                  -- David Middleton                  ***dew@acca.nmsu.edu***