From: mreed1@cc.swarthmore.edu (Matt Reed)
Subject: imaginary Debate
Organization: consultants
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 02:27:03 GMT


	
	Now that the post-debate convulsions have stopped, I feel that I can now
address the true issue of J. Danforth Quayle, decorated hero of the Indiana
National Guard (motto: We all have influential daddies), by saying: "Is
this guy for real?" I will not reminisce about Danny's pointing his finger
(literally, pointing his finger), and acting like a second grader whose
lunch was stolen. Rather, I would like to take this time to visualize, yes,
come with me to Dan-Dan land. Yes, a place where everyon is happily married
with 2.2 children. Where Marilyn is a popular name, and the Indiana
National Guard is looked upon with the utmost respect and admiration. No,
scratch that. What I would really like to do is see another VP debate.
SInce, that's not going to happen, I would like to share some excerpts for
you of my imaginary VP debate:

The Cast 
(Note:Any and all resemblance to characters-real, imaginary, or Dan
Quayle-are intentional and of malicious intent.)

-Hal (our moderately respected yet unassertive moderator.)
-Admiral Stockdale (apparently his name ended up on the program so we will
put him on the podium , too.
-Senator Al Gore (A well-respected senator, author of Earth in the Balance,
and the next vice-President of the United States.)
-Vice-President J. Danforth Quayle (need I say more?)

Hal: I would like to begin tonight by saying..
Dan: Look, Hal, Al is plotting how to steal more air time.
Hal:Excuse me, as I was saying, Welcome to the Vice-Presidential debate
Al: Thank You
Admiral: What did he say? (adjusting his hearing aid.)
Dan:This is my second VP debate, you know.
Hal: The first question is: Why should you be vice-President of the United
States of America? We'll begin with the Admiral.
Admiral: Me?! Oh, thank you, I, uh, would like to say that I was a POW.
Yes,that's right a POW. Thank You
Hal: So why should you be Vice-President?
Admiral: I'm sorry, that, uh, was, uh, my response.
Hal: Okay, Senator Gore, why should you be Vice-President?
Al (notice the confident smile as he addresses the camera): Well, Bill
Clinton and I would like to put America back on its feet. We would do this
by...
Dan: You have not outlined an economic policy! 
Al: If you would let me talk you sorry excuse for a metabolising organism,
here it is. First, we expand our tax base by taxing more of those rich
people. Then we take the cube root of their income multiplyied by their
standing in the family values category divided by Barbara Bush's age
squared. Finally, we add a little paprika, and all our economic problems
are solved.  That is why I should be VP.
	Hal: Very Good, VP Quayle, could you tell us why you should stay VP.
	Dan: Hal, I would be delighted, overjoyed, flattered,  touched, and
genuinely heartwarmed to do so. You see, one night, I was invited over to
the White House (that makes 5 invitations now), and the electricity went
out. George, oh the President , had left the room due to some violent
intestinal problems due to all the broccoli (its a very flatulent food, you
know.) he had consumed that evening. Getting back to the point, Barbara and
Marilyn were terrified of something terrible. However, I had the reins. I
had control. I was leading the show. The President was not there. I ,. J.
Danforth Quayle went downstairs and turned the breaker back on. That, Hal,
is why I should be VP again.
	Hal: That's a very nice story Danny. Now, our next question deals with
fuel efficiency. Should Detroit be forced to increase fuel efficiency to 45
mpg? Senator Gore?
	Al: Well, its seems fairly obvious that we have a problem that needs top
be resolved. We have an enviromental disaster on our hands as I outlined in
my book, that is pages 1-304 . Yes, we will raise the fuel efficiency in
Detroit.
	Dan: The question is not" Will we require the MPG to be 45 or above? " The
question is will Bill Clinton have the integrity to ask Detroit to do such
a thing? Can the American people trust Bill to really raise the MPG or is
he just changing the numbers on those little sheets of paper you get when
you buy a new car. Trust. That is the question.
	Hal: Hmmm. Well, Admiral Stockdale.
	Admiral: Oh , well, I had a car once that got , uh 12 or 13 mpg, and I,
oh,didn't really, uh, enjoy going to the gas station that often. So, I
think that there should be more military helicopters to transport people in
the cities and the countryside.
	Hal: Military copters, Admiral? Don't you foresee some logistocal problems
with that plan, admiral?
	Admiral: What plan?
	Hal:Never mind.
	Dan: I would like to use this opportunity to say that this administration
has done a tremendous amount for the , well, that is, as we say in the
White House, we have, um, started many, many, many fine programs. They have
helped our country..
	Al: No, no,no (shaking his head) Where have you been for four years? What
have you done?
	Dan: Now you see, there you go again. Just Breathe, Al. This is a perfect
example of why Bill Clinton is not fit to be President. He doesn't have the
judgement to be President; if you going to smoke pot, you must inhale to
enjoy yourself. He has no experience, whatsoever. 
	Admiral: Aren't you forgetting about me, Mr. VP
	Dan: I will not listen to such slanderous misgivings of my party. George
Bush made the Berlin Wall fall. That's it. Can Bill Clinton make the Berlin
wall fall?  Would the wall trust Bill's intergrity and word of honor? Would
his character be sufficient to convince the wall of his good intentions?
That is the question
	Hal: That will be all gentlemen. Thank you for your time. Please wake the
Admiral up, and shut the lights on the way out.

ncohen1@cc.swarthmore.edu
May the force of evil be confused on the way to your house



Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle