From: cathy@octel.com (Cathy Kearns)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Juggling Work and Family -- long term effects?
Date: 16 Oct 92 17:14:18 GMT
Organization: Octel Communications Inc., Milpitas Ca.

In article <3411@isgtec.isgtec.com> mike@isgtec.com (Mike Sellers) writes:

>I *know* this is highly non-PC, and will probably get me roundly flamed
>(especially given that it is so painful to many people), but I think it
>needs to be pointed out that the few hours in the evening (say, the 2-3 
>between 6 when you pick your child up and 8 or 9 when they go to bed) do 
>not outweigh the many (8-10?) hours that they spend with another person 
>during the day.  Consider the cumulative waking time spent with you vs. the 
>caregiver between birth and 5 years -- at 240 working days per year, figure 
>approximately 3025 for you and 12100 for the caregiver, or 4x as much as you.
>Your child is spending 80% of their waking life with one or more non-parent 
>adults (who may themselves come and go frequently, as happens in many 
>"professional" daycare centers).  On the one hand, you may hope that your 
>child doesn't become attached to their daytime caregiver for fear that this 
>person will replace you, but on the other hand, a child who has *not* formed 
>a permanent attachment with an adult is going to have all sorts of social 
>problems later on.  

I'm very confused about these numbers.  Let's say you do work 240 days per
year, and of your child's 12 waking hours they spend 9 at daycare for those
working day.  Let's see, that would be for daycare 240 x 9 = 2160 hours with
daycare in one year.  Now let's say at home the child does sleep 12 hours a
day, never wakes in the middle of the night etc.  Okay, for those 240 days
that would be 240 x 3 = 720 hours, but what about those weekends and vacations
and holidays, (there are 365 days a year) let's see 365 -240 = 125.  Now
125 days of mom and dad taking care of them for 12 hours would be 1500 hours.
So, now, in one year, by your numbers, time spent with mom and dad is 1500 +
750 = 2250, while time spent at daycare is 2160.  It seems to me that would
work out to be more or less 50/50, assuming the parents spent 90 or so of
those waking hours a year going out to dinner.  Maybe this explains why my  
child, like all others I know, do not have a problem figuring out who mommy   
or daddy is.  She does still have a problem with why she was not invited to
our wedding however. (You weren't born yet just doesn't cut it for her...
you could have waited she says.)

>> The time spent at daycare will be valuable too, when he's older, because 
>> being around other kids will teach him a whole lot.

>I suppose this is true, if you have only one child.  The downside of this,
>of course, is many time the number of colds and other childhood diseases
>and (especially in short-staffed institutional daycare) a much lower 
>parent-child ratio than is found in the home.  While the above sentiment 
>may help assuage much of the torment of a parent of a daycare child, I 
>don't think that a daycare situation can be seen as advantageous from 
>the child's point of view, even in social terms.  Siblings provide the
>same role without the drawbacks of other daycare children.  

This is particularly true if you plan to home school your children.  You
may be able to put off getting these colds until they are in college, or
maybe even an adult if they take correspondance classes.
 
>> I wouldn't worry too much about missing too many 'firsts'.  I found that we 
>> got to see most of them, simply because we were the ones who encouraged our
>> children.  The daycare provider is simply too busy to go around trying to get
>> all the kids to walk all day!!!  
>
>Frankly, as a parent this situation would frighten me. 

I totally agree with you here.  If the daycare provider is too busy
to give your child the developmental attention they need, find another
daycare (or as Mike suggest, stay home and watch the child yourself.)
However, on firsts, as you can see from numbers above, you should
have a 50/50 chance of seeing those firsts.  However, from personal experience
neither you or the daycare provider will see it.  My daughter first crawled
for her gandmother while my husband and I were in the other room, packing to
go home from a week of visiting.  When we came out she wouldn't crawl at
all for us.  She learned to walk, at 15 months old, after 6 months of everyone
trying to teach her, for her other grandparents, while my husband and I were
spending a few day with his father. She first talked at 9 months to her
three year old cousin, while my sister and I were in the next room talking.
You will get to see her crawl and walk and talk plenty though, don't worry.

As for being able to afford it, I was told by the mother of 11 that if you
really want to stay at home with the children you will find a way.  She raised
those kids on a postman's salary, in the midwest. You could always move to
a cheaper area, and have some one in the family change careers to go with
that.  However, don't get into the rut of giving up one career and then having
your spouse pick up two.  Twelve hours with mom and no hours with dad I can't
see as healthier than 3 hours with both.  By the way, that mother of 11's
son doesn't really look back at his childhood and say, gee, good thing mom
was at home, though he is willing to take off time (4 months) for his child.

Recently the San Jose Mecury News had a series of articles on daycare vs.
having a parent stay at home with the child, and they concluded that a
good daycare situation won't harm the child, a good stay at home parent
would not harm the child.  Do whatever feels best for you and your family.

						Cathy
Newsgroups: misc.kids