From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: Breaking up is hard to do....
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Fri, 1 Jan 93 20:47:35 GMT

In article <1992Dec31.132159.21851@galileo.cc.rochester.edu> jsmt@troi.cc.rochester.edu (Julia Smith) writes:
>Now that the holidays are gone, 'tis the season to revise relationships
>(don't know why, but it seems to be happening alot).  My question:
> 
>What do you do when you know it is over/you find yourself uninterested/
>you want to be moving on?
> 
><ref:  comrade and I having a large difference of opinion about the
>        "just stop calling and eventually the person figures it out"
>        method.  I am curious how pervasive it is.>

I've found that the "just stop calling" method is not all that uncommon,
but I do think that it's very unfair to the other party.  (I wonder a
little whether the popularity of this method is in part due to the ego
boost one can derive from leaving someone else dangling for extended
periods of time.)  Whether you're entering a relationship, already in
an existing relationship, or getting out of a relationship, the most
constructive way to handle almost any situation is with honesty--leaving
a romantic partner (or soon-to-be-ex-romantic partner) in the dark just
reduces the happiness of all concerned and makes it that much harder for
you to get what you want.

Now, it's not easy to tell someone who has hopes and dreams of a future with
you that you've decided that he or she just isn't the one for you and you
want to explore other possibilities, but there's at least as much stress in
not doing so--and the only advantage is that it requires less action on your
part.

Curiously enough, of late (in this part of the world, anyway), one of the
most common breakup techniques involves taking the "just stop calling" 
approach one step further--that is, person A breaks up with person B
(usually after meeting person C whom A wants to be involved with); however,
A doesn't tell B that they've broken up and continues dating and being
sexually involved with B, often for several months, depending on how long
it takes for the word that A has broken up with B to get back to B.  (This
varies to a large extent on how many friends they have in common, since A
is typically quite open with everyone but B about their having broken up.)
B then feels deceived and betrayed and gets angry with A; A, however, feels
that B is just being unreasonable and a little bit crazy, since in A's mind,
they broke up long ago (without B knowing about it until now) which negated
any commitments or promises between them.  At this point, both A and B can
revile each other and endeavor to bring all their mutual friends into the
conflict.

Personally, I think this method is a bit gauche, but in the last year or
two, it seems to have become the most common breakup technique among the
people I know.

Trygve   (Whose past breakups have almost always been remarkably painless
          by comparison.)
--
Men Who Hate Vegetables and the Women Who Love Them, by Alice P. Vendretta.
Are you always finding yourself involved with men who won't eat their Brussels
Sprouts?  Can't stand men who won't finish their peas, but keep dating them
anyway?  Buy this book and we'll tell you just what disgusting scum they are.
                                                Pub. at $17.90 / only $1.95
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