From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.ren-n-stimpy
Subject: Don't make me use it...
Date: 26 Feb 92 07:44:56 GMT
Organization: University of Michigan Engineering, Ann Arbor

Well, the guy who said he was going to post "Space Madness" hasn't
yet, so NOW'S MY CHANCE!  Stand back, kids...


                                SPACE MADNESS

          REN
Well, Stimpy, what's on TV tonight?

          STIMPY
Oh, joy!  Hey, Ren, it's "Commander Hoek and Stimpy"!  Happy, happy,
happy, joy, joy, joy! 

Stimpy disappears at high speed.

          STIMPY
My favorite live-action drama!  Don't let it start, don't let it start!

Stimpy returns wearing Cadet Stimpy outfit w/ space helmet, salutes Ren.

          STIMPY
Roger.  A-OK.  Activate viewscreen.  I can't watch this show without my...

Stimpy produces ring.
... trusty Commander Hoek Radar Decoder Ring, my *official* Commander
Hoek Space Helmet, not to mention your genuine Super-Elastic Time Shorts
(bet you don't have a pair of THESE, Earthling), AAANND...

Stimpy sticks out his tongue
... my Anti-Gravity Bubble Gum!

          ANNOUNCER
All systems go!  Prepare for countdown!  Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one!  Blast off to adventure in the amazing
year Four Hundred Billion, with Commander Hoek and his faithful companion,
Cadet Stimpy!  As they roam the endless uncharted regions of space at
speeds so fantastic they boggle the imagination!

(on bridge)
          REN
Prepare to surge to sublight speed.

(Stimpy presses button.  Alarms go off, etc.  Ren and Stimpy grimace.)

          REN
En...  gage...

(Spaceship accelerates insanely, and they both scream.)

          ANNOUNCER
You'll see futuristic technologies!  Thrilling headgear! Spine-tingling
toast!  Be there!  Scour the spaceways!  Explore vast ALIEN WORLDS!

(Alien planet.  Ren and Stimpy are both in a giant spacesuit.)

          REN
Come in, Cadet Stimpy.  Do you read me?

          STIMPY (stands up next to Ren)
Cadet Stimpy here.  We read you.  Roger.

(Roger appears next to them.)
Roger here.

          ANNOUNCER
Okay, space cadets!  Prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's
turgid episode....

("Space Madness" title appears)

(Interior of spaceship.  Ren and Stimpy are on the bridge.)
          REN
Captain's log.  Commander Hoek here, on a thirty-six year mission to the
Crab Nebula.  We've made this trip dozens of times.
(to audience)
You know, they say sometimes people go CRAZY on these long trips.  They
get the, eh...
(in unearthly voice)
SPACE MADNESS.
(normal)
Heh.  Space madness.  Mr. Science Officer, commence relaxation period.

          STIMPY
Aye aye, Cap'n.

(Ren and Stimpy at table.  Mellow lounge music.)
          REN
Well, it's break time.  We're not on duty for another six years.

          STIMPY
So... whaddaya wanna do?

          REN
Why don't we just spend some quality time together?

(Stimpy nods.  They sit and stare at each other.  Stimpy starts tapping table.
It gradually gets on Ren's nerves.)

          REN (finally breaks)
Do you HAVE to keep TAPPING like that?  You BLOATED SACK of PROTOPLASM!

          STIMPY
Hey, Cap... ease off.

          REN
Oh, hey...  I'm sorry, man.  I... (loosens collar)  I've just been cooped
up here so long.

          STIMPY
I think we *both* need a good hot meal.  Just hang on, okay?
(returns with covered dish)

          REN
Mmmm, boy.  I'm starving.

          STIMPY
(lifts lid.  Three tubes of food concentrate.)  
How about that!  A three course meal.

          REN
That's IT!  I need some REAL FOOOOOOOD!
(bangs head on table)

          STIMPY (concerned, as Ren starts to cry)
Relax, Cap'n.  I'm here for you.  Let it out.  That's right.  Hey!  I
know what you need!

(bathroom)
          STIMPY
Yes, sir, a good hot bath is the best thing for nerves.

(Ren hands Stimpy a towel.  Stimpy makes rattail, snaps Ren with it.)
          REN
Owww!  Hey!  Cut it out!

          REN  (relaxing in bathtub)
Ahhhhhhhh.
(looks around guiltily as suspicious bubbles appear in bathwater)

          STIMPY
I'll turn off the gravity.  It'll help you relax.

          REN
What a pal.   Ahhh.  This is the good life.  Just relax... and let my
mind drift.

(Ren and water float out of the tub together)
Yeahhhh.  I'll just relax, and think pleasant thoughts...  Chicken pot
pie!...  Chocolate-covered raisins!...  Ehh... Glazed ham!...  

(Ren drifts around the room.)
Heh... heh... heh...  they think I'm CRAZY.  But I know better.  It is
not *I* who am crazy.  It is I who am MAD!  Didn'tcha hear 'em?
Didn'tcha see the CROWDS?  

(Ren holds up bar of soap)
Oh, my beloved ice cream bar...  how I love to lick your creamy center!
HOOOWWWWWW...  (bites soap)  ... and your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering!
You're not like the others...  you like the same things I do!
Waxed paper...  boiled football leather...  dogbreath...  We're not
hitchhiking anymore!  We're RIDING!

          STIMPY
Stop it!  You're talking crazy!

          REN (suddenly paranoid)
Oh, no.  I know what YOU want.  You coveted my ICE CREAM BAR!  

          STIMPY
C'mon now...

          REN
No, you don't!  You can't take it from me now.  I've had this ice
cream bar since I was a CHILD!  People... always trying to take it
from me!  Why won't they LEAVE ME ALOOOOONNNNE?

          STIMPY
E... easy, now.

          REN
Back off, man!  (grabs toothbrush)  Don't make me use this!  One
step closer, I'm WARNING ya!  Don't make me use it!
(Stimpy steps closer)
NOW you've done it.  YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!

(horrible sound as Ren brushes his teeth.  They struggle.  Ren loses.)
          REN
Eeee... eh... I'm hurting.  (collapses)

          STIMPY
You poor crazy kid!

(Bridge.  Ren dictates into log.)
          REN
Captain's log.  I'm tired.  So tired.  I can't believe my own partner
attacked me.  Maybe... if I occupy his MIND with more DUTIES, I can
control his...
(unearthly voice)
SPACE MADNESS.

(Button room.)
          REN
Now, listen, Cadet.  I've got a JOB for you.  See this button?
(Stimpy reaches for the button)
DON'T TOUCH IT!  It's the HISTORY ERASER button, you FOOL!  

          STIMPY
So... what'll happen?

          REN
That's just IT!  We don't KNOW!  Maayyyybeeee something bad?...
Mayyyybeeee something good!  I guess we'll never know!  'Cause
you're going to guard it!  You won't TOUCH it, will you?

(Stimpy salutes.  Ren leaves.)
          REN
Hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh...

(Stimpy marches back and forth, staring at the button.)
          ANNOUNCER
Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out?  How can he possibly
resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his
very existence?  Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable
desires?  

(Announcer grabs Stimpy, forces him closer to button)
Can he resist the temptation to push the button that, even now, beckons
him ever closer?  Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate
history?  At the MERE... PUSH... of a SINGLE... BUTTON!  The beeyootiful
SHINY button!  The jolly CANDY-LIKE button!  Will he hold out, folks?
CAN he hold out?  

          STIMPY
NO I CAN'T!!!  EEEEEYAAAHHHH!  (pushes button)

(Alarms go off.  Ren, Stimpy, and Announcer stand around table w/ button.)
          ANNOUNCER
Tune in next week, as...
(Flash, explosion as they all disappear.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
-- 
#include <std.disclaimer>
#define FULL_NAME                          "Paul Dokas"
#define EMAIL                              "pbd@runyon.cim.cdc.com"
/*                     oh what the hell                     */