From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #489
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1992 20:31:30 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:01 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #489

@@@ The Usenet Oracle -- 50 thousand served!
@@@
@@@ Curt "Thunder-Thumbs" Siffert (siffert@spot.Colorado.EDU) has just
@@@ asked the Usenet Oracle its 50,000th question!  That makes for an
@@@ average of 45 questions answered per day, every day, for the past 3
@@@ years.  No rest for the omniscient, it seems.
@@@
@@@ On the occasion, Curt, a 22 year-old music student and computer
@@@ hobbyist at the University of Colorado, had to say, "... I'm very
@@@ concerned about the rise of The Mighty Woodchuck ... we all should
@@@ band together to bring the Oracle back to power".  A saga that shall
@@@ unfold ...
@@@                                             Steve Kinzler
@@@
@@@ PS:  Curt invites everyone to finger him for a good time.

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    489
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

484  36 votes  99b43 4g970 a6a64 2ai33 366h4 67e72 65g72 5ab82 56da2 369b7
484  2.9 mean   2.5   2.5   2.7   2.9   3.4   2.8   2.8   2.8   2.9   3.4

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:13 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-01

Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Great One, you are the Oracle and I am a graduate student.
> (That's a shorthand grovel for "you are a superior being and I am
> a hopelessly self-deluded maggot unworthy to live on the same block
> with an axe-murderer, let alone to address the Oracle.")
>
> In the Book of the SubGenius it is written that "Bob" employs a
> technique called "The Zen of Terror" to shock his Initiates into
> enlightenment.  For instance, he'll hire an arsonist to set fire to
> your house so that when you wake up to the smell of smoke, your
> "curtain of dumbness is ripped out of the way," in the words of the
> Book.
>
> Oracle, I think "Bob" is trying to wake me up this way.  Today when I
> was riding across the Golden Gate bridge on my moped, the bungee cord
> holding my briefcase onto the rack broke and all the pages of my
> nearly-completed dissertation (5 years in the writing) went flying off
> over the Pacific Ocean.  I almost jumped off the bridge but remembered
> that the floppy disk with the dissertation was safely at home.  But
> when I got home and did a "dir" on it this is what I saw:
>
>        Volume in drive A has no label
>        Volume Serial Number is 0E45-1CD8
>        Directory of A:\
>
>       CHAP     1           0 09-29-92   9:21a
>       CHAP     2          21 09-29-92   9:21a
>       CRAP     3           6 09-29-92   9:21a
>       NO-SLACK FOO   1455793 09-29-92   9:21a
>               6 file(s)    1455820 bytes
>                                  0 bytes free
>
> It's gone!  Totally!!  This was my only copy!  I even got my friend
> Mike to come run Norton Utilities on the disk and it's just plain
> totalled! (I know, you're going to say "did you see if your
> dissertation is maybe in that great big file called "no-slack.foo" but
> Oracle we looked and it's just the word "PINK" repeated a few hundred
> thousand times.)
>
> Oracle, "Bob" has sure enough scared me shitless, but for the life of
> me I can't figure out what he's trying to tell me!  If it's not
> cheating, can you give me a clue?  Please??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid I can't answer this question. It's a matter of professional
} courtesy, you see.
}
} Don't give up hope, though. Lisa and I go bowling with Bob every
} Tuesday. Next time I see him, I'll try to get some answers for you. No
} promises, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle a golden apple and a photo of Peter Norton with his
} arms unfolded.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-02

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Help! I'm green and there's a carapace stuck to my back!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And don't look now, but there's a big Greek guy about 10 rods behind
} you. Now look, when you hear someone say "GO," start running as fast as
} you can.  I know, I know, you can't run that fast, and the guy behind
} you is the "fleetest of foot of all mortals," but don't worry!  The
} media has just hyped him up beyond belief.  "Oh, the great Achilles,
} Olympic champion," endorser of breakfast cereals extraordinaire --
} don't worry!  Yes, yes, your maximum land speed is a mere two
} kilometers per hour, but you can take this guy!  Trust me; I know
} whereof I speak.  After all, you have a head-start! By the time he's
} gotten to your current position, you'll be at least a rod away; and by
} the time he gets THERE, you'll STILL be ahead of him, and so on and so
} on!  You can't lose, pal!
}
} You owe Xeno a paradox.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:17 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-03

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> --
> Alex Bishmanek                               TAC   : +32 2 612 32-27
> Technical Support Analyst                    Direct: +32 2 612 32-29
> International Widget Systems S.A.            Fax   : +32 2 612 32-35
> 482 avenue Louise, 5th Floor                 RFC822: abishman@widget.com
> 2100 Brussels, Belgium
>
> [ the above signature has been somewhat randomized to protect the
>   identity of the supplicant -ed ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THIS   IS    JEOPARDY!
}
} Now entering the studio are today's contestants:
}
} A stockbroker from New York City and father of eight children, Esteban
} MacCorkindale;
}
} A housewife and part-time prostitute from Fresno, California, Tai Ling
} Czeznorsky;
}
} And an omniscient god on a worldwide computer network and Irish chef,
} Usenet O'Racle.
}
} And now here is the host of Jeopardy!, ALEX TREBEK!
}
} AT:   Thank you, Johnny, and welcome to Jeopardy!  I'd like to
}       welcome our new players and say that today's game should be
}       pretty damn boring, what with an omniscient god on the
}       panel.  Let's get to today's categories, which are
}
} Oracle: Insects, History, Science, "Rose"s, Potpourri, and Famous
}         Authors.
}
} AT:   Uh...thanks.  Tai Ling, you won the toss...
}
} O:    I knew she would.
}
} AT:   ...so you select first.
}
} TLC:  I'll take "Insects" for $100.
}
} AT:   The clue is "This insect is known for..."
}
} O:    What is the deathwatch beetle?
}
} AT:   Dammit!  At least let me finish the clue first, Usenet!
}       You know it's in the rules!
}
} O:    What's the point of that?
}
} EM:   He's right.  Let's just give him the cash and skip to Double
}       Jeopardy!, okay?
}
} AT:   Well, all right.  Let's see, that's...$52800.  Okay, our
}       final Jeopardy! category is "Boring Belgians and their
}       Hobbies."
}
} O:    I knew that.
}
} AT:   SHUT UP!!!  You'll have thirty seconds in which to write
}       the correct question.  The clue is
}
} > Alex Bishmanek                           TAC   : +32 2 612 32-27
} > Technical Support Analyst                Direct: +32 2 612 32-29
} > International Widget Systems S.A.        Fax   : +32 2 612 32-35
} > 482 avenue Louise, 5th Floor             RFC822: abishman@widget.com
} > 2100 Brussels, Belgium
}
} Good luck, players.
}
} <theme music plays, during which Esteban and Tai Ling scribble
} furiously.  The Oracle writes a fast note and waits.>
}
} AT:   Times up!  Let's see what we have.  We'll start with Tai Ling,
}       who wrote "What is Beekeeping."  No, sorry, that is incorrect,
}       but hey, you have no cash, so who cares?
}
}       Esteban, you put down "Antiques."  Sorry, you must phrase it
}       in the form of a question and you're wrong and you're broke,
}       so piss off.
}
}       What did the Oracle put down?  What is "What is wearing
}       women's clothing and dancing the lambada with passing
}       sailor while singing 'Rule Brittania'?"  That is of
}       course correct, and your wager was...all of it, bringing
}       your one-day cash total to $105600.
}
} O:    Don't worry about it, Alex, I'm donating it all to AIDS
}       research.
}
} AT:   And that's all for Jeopardy!  Tune in tomorrow, when we'll
}       have another boring game as our returning champion is
}       already answering tomorrow's questions.
}
} O:    What is Spam?  Who is PeeWee Herman?  What is Bee Snot?.....

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:19 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-04

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty all knowing and all seeing Oracle, tell me if at all
> possible, were is the peck of pickled peppers peter piper picked????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pursuant to policies and procedures, Peter Piper placed the pickled
} peppers perpendicular along the pier for the perusal of passing
} purchasers. Perhaps Peter will profit from properly presenting his
} perfectly picked produce?  Perambulating pedestrians peered at the
} prices, but presently preferred to pass.
}
} Please present in payment pretty pictures of presidents on printed
} pieces of paper.  Proceed.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-05

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise and all-knowing venerable ancient Oracle,
>       I asked the ranger and he said that it was okay for us to camp in
> your small intestine if we got written permission from you.  We promise
> not to build any fires, use tent stakes, or deface any features of your
> digestive tract.  We'll haul out all our own garbage.  So may we have
> permission to camp there this weekend?  We'll send you photos if you
> like.
>
> --Thos. Venamumble

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may, but there are certain precautions to take and some liability
} forms you will have to sign.  Getting in is no problem, but getting
} out and back to your own home is more difficult, as all traffic in
} my digestive system is one way, unless I have had a little too much
} ambrosia, or some bad olives.
}
} Each person must be sure to bring:
} *One child, preferably one that you don't need.
} *One penny.
} *One large bottle pepto-bismol per each day of the hike.
} *A life preserver (the old, orange kind, not the waterskier's kind)
} *Food and water are not strictly necessary, but you may get
}  tired of eating gluclose every day.
} *Sorry, no cameras are allowed.  The gift shop at the end has all the
}  pictures you will ever want for a reasonable price.
} *Wear ear plugs at all times.  The gas explosions may startle you at
}  first, but they quiet down at night, and it's how your galaxy first
}  started, anyway, so you may find the experience educational.
} *You won't need a tent because you will want to see the view of planets
}  being digested at night, unless you have other activities planned
}  which require the use of a tent.
}
} Your group will need a large, inflatable raft and paddles for all.
}
} To enter the Grand Oracle Intestinal State Park and Acid Pool
} Sanctuary: Visit the Old Lady at the Ginger Bread House, leave the
} children with her, and follow her instructions.  She will drive you to
} the River Styx Barge Station, where a cheery fellow will row you across
} near the river mouth for the price of a penny.  Follow the crowds into
} the Hades theme park, but DON'T GO INTO THE LINE FOR THE BLUE GATE, or
} you will never get back for sure.  Instead, follow Mickey's voice to
} the Happy Tram which will take you to Intestine World.  Before you
} enter, be sure to cover your bodies with the Pepto-Bismol.  (Put on a
} new application daily.)  When you are at the shoreline, inflate you
} raft and be prepared for the ride of your life!
}
} The fee for your visit is negotiable.  Please contact
} lucifer@hadesworld.com for a price which works for you and for your
} required forms.
}
} Orrie

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-06

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Oh great and powerful oracle, whose nose goblins delight us all,
> whose breath even on mornings when thou hasn't had time to brush is
> still more fragrant than the most rare & beautiful rose, please tell
> your most unworthy and lowly supplicant, who is in truly dire need of a
> shave, this:
>
>   Which end of the candy corn sold around halloween is 'up'? Is it the
> orange or the yellow end? And since a stalk of real corn grows upwards,
> should one take care to eat the corn from the sides so as not to offend
> the natural order of the earth? What would be the penalty if this were
> such the case? Your answer will be most honored.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's amazing how many superstitions exist even today.  I mean,
} it was one thing to be worried about pissing off powerful
} entities when you mortals were scrounging around in caves worrying
} about loosing fire, but today you should know better!  A little
} scientific knowledge can usually clear up these old beliefs which
} needn't worry you in these modern times.  (Of course, the Oracle's
} existance is substantiated well enough that you had better be
} plenty concerned about not pissing Me off).
}
} ************
} SCIENCE LESSON FOR TODAY FROM DR. ORACLE
}
} Candy corn is more than a children's (or child-like adult's) candy
} at Halloween.  It is actually an elementary particle.  Discovered
} in 1856 it has long intrigued scientists with its many properties.
}
} Candy corn will lead to the discovery of the 12th basic force
} (twelve by My count.  You mortals still have a way to go yet)
} which is similiar to the strong nuclear force in some ways.  When
} far apart, candy corns exert very little force on each other -- a
} slight repelling.  Within approximately two candy corn radii, the
} force becomes weakly attracting, hence the ability to contain
} a small number of candy corns easily in a small bag.  Within
} one candy corn radius the force is strongly repelling except in
} the presence of heat (and very many candy corns) when the force
} is strongly attracting.  After an easily calculable decay time,
} this attracting force goes to zero.  You may have noticed this
} when your candy corn clumped together, only to come apart easily
} after several weeks in the closet.
}
} Candy corns can exist in one of six different energy states:
} top (pointy end), bottom (blunt end), up (upper flat side),
} down (lower flat side), E1 (edge 1), and E2 (edge 2) {The scientists
} having lost whatever small imagination they had at this point}.
} The top state is the highest energy and E2 the lowest and like
} all things, high energy states tend to decay into low energy
} states given enough time.
}
} Naturally enough, eating candy corns can be a bit risky.  In
} 99 out of 100 cases, the candy corn will not change states
} between when you eat it and when you excrete it.  However,
} as with all probabilites, eventually you'll get unlucky. A low
} energy transition, say from down to E1, will have very little
} impact on you if you have eaten the candy corn -- perhaps a
} slightly upset stomach.  However, a top to E2 transition
} will have disasterous effects.  No doubt in distant times
} people witnessed an unfortunate person exploding right
} after eating a candy corn.  This led to the superstition
} that you had to eat candy corn "the right way" or "from the
} correct side."
}
} There are ways to determine what energy state a candy corn is
} in and when it will transition but you don't have the
} technology yet.  So in the meantime, enjoy your Halloween
} candy and good luck!
} *************
}
} You owe the Oracle a thesis on how the tenth force was discovered
} in Easter marshmallow chickens.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-07

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What will happen to the Oracle when Kinzler is locked up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose I'll get my <ZOT>ter back from the top shelf of his closet
} and be able to play with it whenever I want to.
}
} You owe the Oracle a white jacket with extra-long sleeves that tie
} in the back, Steve Kinzler's size.  And two packs of crayons, one for
} him and one for me.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-08

Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose three-year presence has been like a beacon
> of hope to USENET users everywhere:
>
> What would you like for your birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the age old problem: What do you give the demigod who knows
} everything? And, after three years of payment for questions answered,
} who has bloody nearly everything, too!  Have you got any damned idea
} how much work it is collecting and organizing all that crap you folk
} send me?  Come here, and I'll show you.  I said COME HERE!  Along this
} corridor.  Through that door.
}
}       <EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!>
}
} No, you twerp, not that door, THAT door!
}
}       <SLAM!>
}
} That's better.  This is the accounting department.  Look around, bub,
} what do you see?  Sixty-five live octopus in cream sauce.  Eighty-five
} thousand digital watches.  A library of seventy-three thousand, nine
} hundred twelve assorted works of fact, fiction, and pornography.  Dan
} Quayle's head on a platter.  The 'e' in potato.  Twelve packing crates
} full of silk lingerie. Nine tons of moon rock.  The national debt.  The
} !987 US Federal budget translated in Urdu with inter-linear translation
} in Choktaw.  Thirty-seven blenders filled with assorted frozen drinks.
} And that's just in the first cubicle!
}
} What would I LIKE for my BIRTHDAY!!?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tasteful card.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-09

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, greatest of minds, origin of all, you who are
> filet mignon to the Spam of human mortality...
>
> Why do we call Wednesday a "hump day" when most people
> get laid on the weekends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's easy to understand your confusion, considering the number of
} sexual euphemisms that you mortals have come up with. The Oracle's
} Unabashed Thesaurus lists boink, bonk, bounce, the nasty, dancing the
} dirty hula, the beast with two backs, nail, screw, banging the
} headboard, and no new taxes. That's just excerpts from Volume One.
}
} Actually, "hump day" is a remnant from an obscure section of the Koran
} concerning the proper schedule for camel washing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of the next Amelia Peabody mystery.
} That and fewer references to Spam[tm] in the Oracularities.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 20:31:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #489-10

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I am both disturbed and frightened at the extreme increase in woodchuck
> questions and answers of late.  In the Oracularities, there were
> several questions involving woodchucks, and I have received several
> answers from you involving woodchucks that had nothing to do with them
> in the first place.
>
> I haven't been able to look at the word woodchuck after my accident, in
> which a boatload of live woodchucks was dumped on my head by a passing
> C-130.  The woodchucks were en route to Massachusetts, where they would
> be delivered to a cargo ship which would deliver them to Sweden for age
> control experiments.  I lost one of my eyes and my nose in that
> accident, and most of my left leg.
>
> As you can see, I am rather touchy on the subject of woodchucks, and I
> would appreciate a decrease in the subject of woodchucks, that I might
> get on with my life.  Thank you.
>                                       --Anonymous in Denver

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       PROTECT YOUR ORACLE ENTERTAINMENT INVESTMENT!
}
} Dear Valued Supplicant:
}
} Our records indicate that you have sent the Oracle a question
} containing the string "woodchuck."  This unfortunate occurance
} has generated this woodchuck form letter, now being woodchuckily
} sent to all woodchuckian inquirers to save both woodchuck time,
} money, and woodchucks.
}
} If you feel as we do, you know it is impossible to put a price on
} good answers.  Supplicants continue to enjoy Oracle answers long
} after the initial receipt -- a sound investment of time indeed!
}
} In order to protect YOUR Oracle entertainment investment, we
} urge you to refrain from writing wasteful woodchuck letters to
} the Oracle in the woodchuck future, because woodchuck questions
} are invariably time-consuming and boring, both for the Oracle and
} for all the woodchucks involved.  That way, we can continue to
} offer you the best answers the Oracle has to offer.
}
} The answer to your woodchuck question is one or more of the following:
}
} 1)  Yes.
}
} 2)  A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could
}     if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
}
} 3)  Woodchucks.
}
} 4)  It would (chuck) require 15 woodchucks.
}
} 5)  No.
}
} 6)  By folk entymology fr. Ojibwa otchig fisher, marten, or Cree
}     otcheck.
}
} 7)  Sprinkle bay leaves around on your countertop.
}
} 8)  On its ventral side, just below the head.
}
} 9)  Cookies.
}
} If the answer to your question is not contained in the above, please
} do NOT write again and ask the Oracle about it.  If you desperately
} seek an answer, consider using a substitute for the word "woodchuck"
} or, alternatively, seek professional help.
}
} We look forward to having you back in good standing as a supplicant.
}
}                                       Marmota Monax
}                                       Director,
}                                       Preferred Supplicant Division
}
} BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR SUPPLICANT IDENTIFICATION NUMBER
} ON  YOUR DONATION CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS, AS WELL AS ON
} ALL CORRESPONDANCE WITH THE ORACLE.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #489
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d