From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Varia
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 23:45:51 GMT

Thanks, Bob,  for  your  response.  Yes, I, too, have on occasion
thought it would  be  easier  to  be  "crazy".    Thank  you  for
reminding me of the  emotional  reactions  and the body memories.
These have in the past  served  to  confirm  the truth about some
elements of my abuse where I  was  struggling  with hazy memories
and consequently had to deal with a lot of doubting and denying.

Before anyone concludes that I have quickly  become "addicted" to
this kind of e-mail exchange, let me say  that  it is a relief to
find  a safe place to "discuss" with others who  will  understand
what one is going through.  Also I have had  a brief respite from
constantly  thinking about abuse and having memories and it looks
as if  --  like  Karla and perhaps Bob -- I am encountering a new
wave to memories,  etc.   to deal with.  It is very uncomfortable
right now, but as  I  said  before,  I  think  I  have gained the
experience of knowing that these  will  come when I am capable of
handling them.  It's a thought to hang on to, anyway.

Perhaps some of you have advice  on  the  whole  issue of finding
people to confide in and discuss the  issue  with  on  a personal
basis.  The Lew book and others say  that  it  helps to bring the
subject into the open and find people you can  talk  to.    Other
than  my  support  group and this e-list I have really  not  done
that.  I am really anxious about not overstepping bounds in going
into   detail  about  the  abuse  I  went  through.    I  am  not
particularly exhibitionist and have never been much of a confider
of personal things,  so  I  find it strange to feel a very urgent
need to go over  and  over  what  happened  to me.  I do this for
myself only when I am alone at home.  I have only told my partner
the basic fact that I was  sexually  abused  as  a child and that
a female was part of the abuse  (I have not indicated to him that
there was incest).  He seems generally supportive  of  me  and is
glad that I am in a group, but seems quite uncurious about any of
what  happened.   I don't particularly want to give him  all  the
gory details and I definitely don't want to turn him off  or bore
him with a constant recital.  This "need" to go over every detail
as if to confirm that it all happened is quite a drain on  energy
and  is consuming a lot of pages of my personal journal.  I guess
that is  a  safe  way to relieve the pressure and at least I know
that those memories, set down, are never going to disappear on me
again.  Screwing up  and  having  huge and confusing reactions to
things without knowing why was  no  picnic  all  those  years.  I
prefer the perspective from here, thank you!  Any other advice?

"Kristian"



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