From: gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley)
Subject: more sniping (bogus Richh)
Followup-To: alt.fan.gooley
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 03:29:05 GMT

<More sniping at poor defenseless writers of bad erotica, somewhat in
 the style of Richh: my comments in these angle-brackets.  A story found
 on the net, author's name lost but it's just as well...>

Note: This story is based on actual experiences <as opposed
to ficticious ones> although the names and places have been
changed so I don't get me ass sued:) <yeah, sure...>

My Girl Maddie 
________________ 


Hi <you don't know how to use commas> my name is Mark <so is
mine, sort of>, and the events described here in <as opposed
to "herein"> happen <you don't know how to use tenses, either>
a few years ago during my sophmore <or use a spell-checker>
year at Texas University at Houston. Well anyway my girlfriend
at the time, Maddie, and I <three of you? ooh, kinky> had been
"goin" together <you were pretending?> for about a year, and
while we frequently had sex <yeah, sure>, she wasn't exactly
wild <strictly a domestic cat?>, and I was so uptight about
doing a "good" job <and justly, I should think> that I wasn't
able to enjoy it most of the time <then why have sex at all?
couldn't you just hold hands or something?>, and so things
were a bit strained <you put your thing through a strainer?>
between us. 
 Anyhow, one morning I went over to her dorm and went up to 
her room, only to find her just getting out of bed, and in a 
nightie that I had never seen before but didn't think anything
of it at the time <love that syntax>. As came into the door <and
again> she immediately started telling me that she went to sleep
nude and ended up with her roomate's <roo-mate: one who has sex
with kangaroos> nightie on when she woke up this mornin' <wow,
you even *think* Texan>. I gave her the "yeah right (not!)" look, but 
she swore that <beware the cannibalistic "that"> was the truth.
Just then her roomate, Sheri, mumbled something about leaving
it on the floor, and that it was cold in the room so Maddie
must have grabbed for something and put it on since it was cold.
And I thought nothing else of it, and things resumed as they always had. 
  Now Maddie is a 5'6" "babe" <not a real one? a guy in drag?>
with a voluptuous body, great shaped D cupped breats <what they make
breatwurst from?>, brown hair, and a heart-shaped ass <never seen one
that was really heart-shaped myself> that could kill <yes, these asses
are really dangerous; you have to keep guns and knives well away from
them>, not to mention the "best" <so-called best? as in "worst"?>
tasting "meow" <c'mon, write "vagina" or "cunt"> that I have ever
tasted <you do it for the taste? ever try barbeque sauce?>. Sheri is
equally voluptuous with blonde hair, enormous breast <had a mastectomy,
poor woman?> for which she hardly ever wore a bra <must be starting to
sag, and it must be uncomfortable>, about 5'10", with that Kim Basinger
type fo look that makes men melt <then why didn't you melt away before
you could write this tripe?>! 
 Anyhow, about a week later, while all the women were away at some
society meeting <Women's Coprophagy Society?> I was left in the room
<which room?> doing my homework, <masturbating?> jamming to the radio.
As i was doing my work I was in need of some more paper, so I went
looking through her desk to try to find some <great excuse>, and I
came across a spiral <logarithmic?> that looked like it still had
plenty of paper in it, so i opened it to tear out some paper, and
found a journal of some sort with various dates listed with entries
written in next to them. I thought <with what?> to my self this good
be good, what I was hoping to find was <comma splices?> some dirt on
her seeing other guys <yeah, you sure did love and trust that woman>,
especially since she would mention certain guys names now and then in
converstaion and describe how neat or great they were...sigh. 
 However, most of the entries were pretty boring and passe <like this
story> only describing fights we had, or major accomplishments she 
had made in school, or some poems she had made, etc... Until I came
across a date from last semester, that had the word "nude" in it. The
entry read something like this: 
	Today as Jennifer [her old roomate] and I were getting dressed
for class as we always do <yeah, otherwise I would've thought you went
naked>, walking around half nude, putting on makeup, etc...I noticed
what great breasts she has <it certainly took you long enough>! I think
I even got a little wet <try "Depends" disposable undergarments>, how 
fasinating! Mark said that men's favorite fantasy involves 2 women <only
a real asshole's fantasy>, and I had told him that the idea just did not
turn me on, although, this had...oh well probably just the "pill's"
hormones messin' <she writes Texan too!> with me <more probably your own
depraved nature>. 
 I desperately <jerked off?> searched for more journal entries on the
same subject but none existed, oh well, I guess I'll <learn to keep your
tenses straight?> just check out what's she been up to recently...and
again nothing! Damn! <You expect she keeps that kind of thing in an
unlocked drawer?>  But then a piece of folded up paper that had been torn 
out of the spiral, fell out of the back of the spiral onto the floor, so
I picked it up and it contained several long journal entries... <I guess she
*is* stupid enough to keep that kind of thing in an unlocked drawer.>
 The first one was dated just 2 weeks ago! It read like this: 

"Last night I truly discovered <as opposed to falsely discovering> why
the image of 2 women together is often conjured up by <perverse> men and
women alike, women are the more beautiful sex by far <I'd agree, but a
lot of homosexual men wouldn't>, and their love-making is only blessed
<quasi-religious claptrap again> with pleasure and does not contain any
<artificial flavors or colors> of the pain associated with man-love.
<Right, she's a lesbian.  Dump her and let her have fun with her woman
friends.> As Sheri and I sat around getting drunk <by osmosis from the
chairs?>, Mark was out with the guys at <a gay S&M bar?> some concert, 
and Sam [her boyfriend] was with his frat <buggering the new members as
part of their initiation?>. As we continued to drink, Linda and Carol
[roomates next door to Maddie and Sheri] came in and they were already
hammered <onto sheets of inch-thick plywood?> so figured what better to
do on a friday night than all of us get drunk together and <have a lesbian
orgy?> talk about our men...a little guy bashing now and then is good! 
 Well after 1/2 and hour we decided to play truth or dare, to get the REAL
dirt <ground-in soil, machine grease?> out! As the questions and dares went 
around, the question was asked to Sheri about whether she had had sex with
more than one person at a time <or knew at all how to use punctuation
marks or construct sentences?>? She replied "Yes", I wasn't suprised
<because she is a depraved twit>, but then no one really was <because you
are all depraved twits>. After Carol it was Linda's turn and she decided
to pick <her nose?> on Sheri also, Sheri even asked why everyone was
picking <their noses> on her, well Sheri was fed up w/ the questions,
and went for the dare which was to <have sex with a horse?> give me a
kiss on the lips! I figured for sure Sheri was going to say "noway"! <or
perhaps "sweden!" or "finland!"> But only to my suprise <careful where
you put "only"!> she reached over, put one of her arms just below my
breasts, and gave me a soft, gentle kiss. With this I nearly came <with
that, I want to go>! My pants were instantly wet <you got a drainage pump
up your vagina?> with the thought of what could be more! <You know,
such garbled sentences are indicative of mental disorders.  Maybe I
shouldn't be making fun of them.>
 Just then Linda looked at her watch and said "Shit! I gotta go John
will be back any minute <and he knows how to use punctuation, too>, come
on carol we'll go get Dan soon as John get <and tenses> here. With that
they left and Sheri anf I were left in <a state of unnatural arousal?>
silence. We drank some more and gave some <head to a stray dog?> small
talk. I then told her that that <got it right that time!> was quite a
vicious game of truth or dare! And the Sheri said "I know it! Everybody
picks <your nose for you?> on me!" And the she asked if she could ask 
me something with out <as opposed to "without"> me <as opposed to "my">
getting mad. And I said of course, we're nearly best friends aren't we.
She then aske me if I liked <anal sex?> the kiss. I was frozen <and
wrapped in plastic and put in the grocer's freezer?> my first inclination
was to <call her a dyke?> say "No." but I decided to tell the truth "yes".
She said I thought you did, and she leaned over and took my lips to <Rio
for a wild vacation> hers. She was so soft <like a good brand of toilet
paper?>, so gentle, ahhhh... 
  I couldn't help it, I wanted her so bad <how bad? did you want her to
be a mass-murderer, say?>! She then went over to lock the door <doesn't
Dum-Dum have the key yet?>, turned off all the lights except one. Sheri
came <a bit hasty, what?> back over and pulled my shirt over my head and 
started kissing my <armpits?> neck while she unbuttoned my bra in the 
back <as opposed to unbuttoning it in the front; very clever of her>. She
returned to my lips <my, she's gotten tiny!>, and put both hands up under 
my loose bra and squeezed my nipples <like rubber duckies?>, which was so
fantastic <sounds prosaic> and gentle <probably more like being a milch
cow, I should think>. I wasn't sure what to do so I <threw up all over her
in disgust?> unbuttoned the front of her shirt and felt the breasts that
I had so long envied <as opposed to her second and third pairs of breasts,
which were rather smaller>. She moaned in <agony?> pleasure, and reached
down to my pants, unzipped them, and put her fingers down to my clit <hey,
*she* calls it a clit, so how come you write things like "meow"?>, while I
repositioned myself <to take advantage of the expanding market?> back
against the side of the bed. I started kissing her sweet neck <and her
sour one and her spicy hot chin> and gorgeous breasts. I was getting even
more nervous the further we went <then why not stop?> but this was the
most incredible sensations. Her skin is so smooth and fresh <so is a baby's:
why not molest children instead?>. Sheri then took off my bra <took her
long enough>, pulled off my socks <why bother? frottage?>, and pants and
under wear <as opposed to over wear> and told to lay up on the bed <without
a basketball?>. I obliged <yeah, *just* the word she would have used>, and
as I lay there nude, she took of her own clothes <took what of her own
clothes?> and joked about my own private strip show <"Look! Your own
private strip show, hee hee!">. As she stood there with out <not "without"?>
any clothes I reached down to my clitoris <ah! it's been promoted from "clit">
and suddenly how wet I really <as opposed to not really> was <Adult diapers,
as I said before>! Sheri said "Wait...I'll do that". And she climbed <that
bed is sure high off the floor> next to me, and we hugged and I think we
fell in love right there <how romantic!>. I don't think I could have
imagined ever falling for another woman before tonight! Sheri then slowly
started descending the length of my body <has she shrunken again?> while
she gently carresed my skin with her lips. She got down to my clitoris <let
me guess: it's isolated and there's nothing else near it, you anatomical
freak, you>, gently kissed the inside of my <cunt?> legs, spread my legs
apart, and then ran her tongue <for President of the United States?> down
to my vagina back up between my lips right to the clit <ah, familiarity
again>, and started licking and nibbling <bloody chunks out of> on my
clit! Sheri moaned how sweet tasting <you'd sprinkled it with NutraSweet (tm)
beforehand?> my "pussy" <it's not a real one? what are you? a man with a
fake rubber cunt covering gaffed genitals?> was and then I started saying 
to my own disbelief <yeah, sure>, how great she ate my "pussy" <did she
leave any of it for you?>.  Soon I felt the familiar tingling at my toes
<what a symptom!> and I want to tell <that I can't figure out that verbs
have tenses> that I was going to come, but she somehow <gee, and she's a
woman too, and apparently experienced> sensed this and really started to
bite <the big one?> and nibble at my clit, and started putting some of
her fingers <about fifteen of them?> in my dripping wet hole "hole" <"hole,
hole, hole, and whattle you want for Christmas?"> as she called it. I
guess she's rubbing of on me <maybe you're turning into her -- but that's
my shtick>, I'm already talking like her! I came for what seemed like 5 or 
10 minutes <rubbish>! I was slightly exhausted <no!>, but at the same time 
refreshed by this new lover <she's the one who got to do all the drinking;
you should be dehydrated>.
  Sheri then instead of expecting me to return the favor, went over to bed,
pulled a vibrator <that just happened to be there> from under the covers
<she sleeps with it instead of a teddy bear>, and came <what, again?> back
over and laid next to me <laid what next to you?> and started using it
<cheaper than putting a quarter into that vibra-bed machine, I guess>...I
then jumped up and told her to wait, that I was going to try giving her
<the common cold?> what she had given me <dehydration>, and she said that 
she didn't expect it, but I said I wanted to and she got a big <erection?>
smile on her face <as opposed to a big smile on her arse>! I then lowered
my self <I don't see how you could lower yourself much further in this
situation> in the same way she had done to me <agreed>, and as I got down
to her pussy <not her clit?> she started to get real anxious <about the
exam the next day?> but I decided to tease her and went back up to her
lips, where I was shocked to find some of my own pussy juice still there
<gee! wonder how *that* got there??> which at first scared me <nay, but
this your pussy juice shall rather/ The multitudinous seas incarnidine --
naah, wrong quote>, but then only made me want to taste ehr all the more
<she probably tastes horrid>, I immediately went right to her clitioris
and licked like <a little kid licking an ice cream cone> i would with a
ice scream cone <knew you'd write that!>, getting some of the vaginal 
lubrication <Trop-Arctic 10W-30> at the the bottom of the stroke <bottom
dead center>... 
  Sheri started to move her hips up and down, and gently grabbing <it's
oxymoron time!> the sides of my head and thrusting <ah, time for Car Talk
with Click and Clack!> my face into her love area <equipped with heart-shaped
hot tub, giant waterbed, mirrored ceiling, and flying trapeze>, which only
turned me on <like a sodium-vapor lamp> more, and before I was back to
dripping wet <as opposed to dripping dry>! Te smells eminating from our bodies 
<nauseated you both -- don't you ever *bathe* or *shower*?> only turned
me on more <as if with a dimmer switch>, and I reached down and grabbed the 
vibrator and plunged it in <a convenient wound in your belly> myself. I
had never used one before <yeah, right> but soon as I clicked it on, I
was nearly paralyzed <it severed your spinal cord?> with pleasure <simple
tastes> and moned <whor-mones> out loud for the first time ever <you were
mute before?  It's a MIRACLE!!!>! Seeing me turned on only turned on
Sheri more and the pace of her grinding her hips into my face increased
until <the #60 grit she had put on them wore away your skin to the bone,
leaving a bare skull that would drive any necrophile wild> she moaned out
real loud, and I suddenly felt a splash <she moonlights as a hot tub> of
wetness <diapers...you both need diapers> which I quickly licked up <but
how did it TASTE?>. Sheri told me to stop, that I had <been a pain up the
cunt> done a great job, but couldn't take anymore! I went and laid next
<laid what next?> to her the vibrator still in me <you put it next to
her while it was still in you??>, and covered with wetness from head
to toe. <That's one helluva big vagina you have there, I must say.>
   Sheri told me to get on all 4's <not all 6's?> so she could get a better 
view of the vibrator in me <hasn't she seen it before?>. I quickly got on
all fours and then and sheri got behind me to watch me. She described the 
scene to me, and she started rubbing and licking my <arsehole?> underside.
I then felt her around my anus <knew that was coming>, and I thought that
I should have been self concious but i was to into the vibrator <how did
you possible fit inside it?> to care, and then it happened <the Vice Squad
smashed down the door?> - she grabbed my ass cheeks with her hands and put
her tongue down my ass <mighty long tongue>...all I can say is that I came
right away! But i couldn't stop with the vibrator it was too incredible
<exactly the word I would have used -- it does strain credulity>! But I
was so tired <aren't we all...yawn> that I collapsed on the bed with Sheri
and thenk there was a knock at the door, it was Sheri's b/f come to get 
her <for being disloyal and bisexual to boot>........so ended this night
<more like an evening> of love <more like lust>, I'll never forget it, as
soon as it started, it had ended....but I'll always remember this night..." 

Well needless to say <then why say it?> this quite a shock to me <afraid
that you're not *man* enough to satisfy her?>, reading this about my g/f.
But we soon broke-up <into tiny fragments?> and I never got around to 
questioning her <with a rubber truncheon and bright lights in her face>
about it, although Sheri did hit on me several months later at a frat
party <thinking you were a woman in male drag, no doubt>, and I should
have gone to bed with her <why? obviously she really prefers women>, but
for some reason <fear of failure> I didn't oh well <oh, well indeed!>. 



Well if you like this story let me know <I loved it, after my fashion>, I
know it was a little lame <you flatter yourself>, but it was my first ever
to this group <well, I've never posted anything to alt.sex.stories, and
I'm content>. Has anyone had similar experiences though <oh, *please*!
have *you* had such an experience, really?>? I'd be interested in knowing.
<Typical.>

------------
<Mark., last of these for a while
gooley@netcom.com>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre