From: ajw@cbnews.cb.att.com (andrew.j.whitman)
Subject: Re: Accurate translations was (Re:CONTRADICTIONS ABOUT GOD)
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: usa
Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1992 20:57:12 GMT

In article <1992Dec28.182853.28423@titan.tsd.arlut.utexas.edu> conditt@tsd.arlut.utexas.edu (Paul Conditt) writes:
>
>
>I appreciate Andy's inputs to this group (yes, I love it, too), but I
>must point out some translation errors he has made as well as misquotings.
>In addition to this, allow me to imbellish upon these well-stated facts
>and provide you, the gentle reader, with some more helpful hints that
>will assist you in many areas of your life, from Bible study to music
>listening to auto repair.
>
>Andy writes:
>>In article <carlson.725146095@cwis> carlson@cwis.unomaha.edu (Brian D. Carlson) writes:
>>>myers_c@ab.wvnet.edu writes:
>>>
>>>[lots of drivel deleted]
>>>>>>          [ ALWAYS use the KING JAMES VERSION.  Later versions are PER-
>>>>>>          VERSIONS! ] 
>
>So earlier versions would be PRE-VERSIONS???

Or, more accurately and godly, SUB-VERSIONS, since they would clearly be 
inferior to the final YHWH-and-USDA-approved versions.

>>>	Well, the Apostle Paul may have written the King James Version,
>>>but every time I find key word translations in, say, the Open Bible, it
>>>always seems to suggest the same word used in the New American Standard
>>>Version.
>>
>>You gotta love this group.  Actually, Paul didn't write the KJV.  As
>
>I thought Paul wrote "Let it Be", or was that John?

Yep, that was Paul.  John wrote "All You Need is Love," based on 
1 Corinthians 13.  George wrote "My Sweet Lord," based on Psalm 40.
Ringo does not write, and can barely read.

>>the name implies, the KJV was written by James, the brother of Jesus,
>>and author of the biblical epistle that bears his name.  He was called
>>"King" because of all the spot-on Elvis impersonations he performed
>>at bar mitzvahs, Day of Atonement bashes, and the like.
>>
>>The most accurate version by far is the Queen Mary Version (QMV), used
>>throughout Scotland and on most luxury liners.  A close second is 
>>the Old New England Words About YHWH (ONEWAY) Version favored by 
>>most Coptics and Manicheans, and later adopted by the Pilgrims, the
>>Puritans, and Larry Norman.  It's the only version that contains
>>the long-disputed but now accepted verses, "Thou (or you) shalt not
>>wrangle over thous and thees; neither shalt thou engage in doctrinal
>>hair splitting, or doctrinal hair styling, or any other acts of 
>>cosmetology.  You (or thou) shalt wear thy hair unkempt and shall
>>love one another instead, and if ye persist in such unloving nonsense 
>>YHWH shall personally come down and rend thy concordances and smite
>>thee on the noggin'."  
>         ^^^
>Andy, I can't believe that you have been so grossly negligent to misquote
>this well-known and all-important verse that many of us hold near and dear
>to our hearts.  In the gospel according to Ringo (I assume this is where
>you got the verse), the correct and undisputed word used in the last
>sentence here is "thy", not "the".  The last phrase should read "... and
>smite thee on THY noggin'."

First, let me clear up a misconception.  Although the gospel is 
attributed to Ringo, most spirit-filled people now believe that Ringo
could *not* have written it because he is incapable of putting
a subject and a verb together, much less putting together whole sentences
with impressive, scholarly words like "smite," "persist," and "noggin'".
It seems far more likely that someone, possibly Yoko or Linda, 
actually wrote the gospel based on Ringo's recounted visions, musings,
and dazed mumblings.  

The whole "the/thy" controversy is not as clear-cut as you would like
us to believe.  Sure, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, and Bob Dylan
all favor the "thy" reading, but the latest scholarship (see 
"I Want to Hold Thine Hand - A History of the Liverpudlian Holy
Writings," S. Pepper et. al.) seems to cast doubt on that reading,
and proposes instead that Ringo may have actually mumbled "thigh"
instead of "thy" - further evidence, no doubt, of his addled 
brain and general intellectual befuddlement, since a "thigh
noggin'" would probably only make sense to someone who had done
a lot of drugs.  

Pepper proposes that Ringo actually said "thigh" but meant "the."
It certainly fits the context much better, although, of course,
we have no way of really knowing whether Ringo said "thigh" but
actually meant "egg" or "Paul's" or "James'".  At a certain point
you have to rely on the Spirit's guidance and an ability to 
ridicule anyone who thinks differently.

>Here's an interesting historical note about the origins of this verse.
>The part about keeping one's (thou's) hair unkempt arises from the fact
>that Lubbock, Texas is the capital of the Bible belt (at least west of
>the Mississippi).  As we are all well-aware, Lubbock is a very windy city.
>The women there are allowed to wear hair spray and keep their hair neat,
>but the men are forbidden to wear hair spray since this could lead to
>looking like people who live in Austin which could lead to liberalism
>or worse yet, Democraticinism.  To keep from offending the upstanding,
>godly men of this model community (it is George Bush's "pulse of America")
>from committing a sin by wearing hair spray, this verse was added to 
>actually make it a requirement to allow nature to take it's course.  You
>can find this and other interesting facts on the ONEWAY translation in
>the best selling commentary by Jim Bob Davis published by Carman, Inc.
>Publishing Company and Artist Supply Warehouse.

Quite right.  And I'm amazed at how certain ungodly, backslidden, 
humanism-infested parts of the church have bought into the lie and 
have actually promoted the use of hair spray among the male members
of their congregations.  There's actually a televangelist here in
Columbus who sells his own brand of "Christian" hairspray called
the Air O' Saul Can, which supposedly will keep one's hair in place
even in dank caves and while fleeing from one's enemies.  

Remember, Satan masquerades as an angel of light.  Keep your eyes wide 
open and the comb outta your (thine) hair.  The Haircare products of
America are waiting to lead your astray - Grecian Formula, with
its roots in Gnosticism and Platonism, Vidal Sassoon, ready to
grasp you in the twin clutches of cosmetology and ze phony Fransh
accent.  "The righteous man shall flee with his hair flying in the
wind, like an old Prell commercial" (2 Opinions 7:77).  If fingers 
were good enough for Jesus, they're good enough for me.  

>>I don't think anyone could dispute the fact that the QMV and ONEWAY
>>versions are God's annointed Word.  All other versions are perversions
>>of the truth.  
>
>I'm sorry, Andy, but according to the Dallas Morning Enquirer, which is
>published by the SBC (Southern Blowhard Convention), the QMV is definitely
>supported as being God's annointed word.  However, the ONEWAY version,
>although popular, has not been endorsed by the Republican party as of yet,
>so obviously *cannot* be considered God's annointed word.  Thou must 
>getteth thy facts straighteth from thy horse's mouth beforest thou 
>quoteth facts mistakenly.  

True, but it's been endorsed by the NRA, the DEA, and the FBI.  Sure, 
the CIA and the Vice President still deny any knowledge of it, but it's
just a matter of time before it becomes the Official Bible Translation of 
the XXVI Olympiad.

>In my personal study, I have found Chico
>Esquela's Translation to be very helpful.  It's full name is Chico
>Esquela's Translation of the Bible and Auto Repair Manual.  It's the
>only book that actually contains such gospel classics as First and
>Second Opinions, Hezekiah, the Gospel according to Ringo (George's is in 
>translation as we speak), How to rebuild a 4-barrel Quadrajet Carb on
>your small-block Chevy, and of course, his inspiring testimonial entitled
>"Baseball has been bally bally goot to me".

Nope, Esquela's translation is a big mistake.  There's a fatal flaw in 
Esquela's theology because, quite obviously, God is a Ford man.  Always has 
been.  Chevies entered the world as a result of the Fall.  They are not
part of God's redemptive plan, and will some day be swept away, along
with Hyundais, Hondas, Toyotas, Lima beans, Madonna, and the ACLU.  

>>>Brian Carlson
>>>carlson@unomaha.edu
>>
>>Andy Whitman
>>AT&T Bell Laboratories, Columbus, Ohio
>>att!cblpn!ajw  or
>>ajw@cblpn.att.com
>
>
>===============================================================================
>Paul Conditt		Internet: conditt@titan.tsd.arlut.utexas.edu
>Applied Research	Phone:	  (512) 835-3086   FAX: (512) 835-3416/3259
>  Laboratories		Fedex:	  10000 Burnet Road, Austin, Texas 78758-4423
>University of Texas	Postal:	  P.O. Box 8029, Austin, Texas 78713-8029
>Austin, Texas <----- the most wonderful place in Texas to live
>no witty sayings or quotes here

Andy Whitman
AT&T Bell Laboratories, Columbus, Ohio
att!cblpn!ajw  or
ajw@cblpn.att.com