From: dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.soviet
Subject: some Soviet emigre restaurant jokes
Summary: Soviet emigres eat borshch and die
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 92 17:44:51 EST
Organization: Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.


Why did they use to put plates with manure on the dining tables in Brighton
Beach restaurants?

To keep the flies off the food.

Why did they have to stop?

Because the clients would get drunk and eat everything.

What do they do now to keep the flies off the food?

Their waitresses don't wear underwear.

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Why did a Brighton Beach restaurant hire midget waitresses?

To make the portions look bigger.

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How can you determine what city a waitress in a Brighton Beach restaurant
has come from?

A zhlobikha from Moscow treats a client as a necessary evil. A zhlobikha from
Odessa treats a client as an evil that must be fought.

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How can you determine from what city Soviet emigre eating a banana is from?

A stupid zhlob from Moscow peels his banana before eating it. A smart emigre
from Odessa already knows what's inside.

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How can you recognize a Soviet emigre in a restaurant?

1. He eats broshch with his hands and gesticulates with his spoon.

2. You head hear him and see see him talk.

How can you recognize a well-mannered Soviet emigre in a Brighton Beach restaraunt?

1. He doesn't blow at his borshch, he fans at it with his cap.

2. He holds his hand under the fork when he eats the borshch.

How do you recognize a Soviet emigre in a restaurant with a strip tease act?

He's there for the food.

How can you recognize a Soviet emigre woman in a restaurant?

She eats spaghetti without using her hands.

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant asks the waitress: ``Why does one
hard-boiled egg cost twice as much as omelette from three eggs?''

``You can't count eggs in omelette.''

---

A Soviet emigre walks into a Brighton Beach restaurant. The waitress asks:

``What would you like?''

``You know what I'd like, but I'll eat first.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant propositions a waitress. She says:

``After I've stood on my feet all day? You're crazy.''

``So lie down already!''

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A Soviet emigre walks into a Brighton Beach restaurant and orders tea. He puts
ten spoons of sugar into the cup, then sips carefully, leaving all the sugar on
the bottom.

``Why don't you stir it?'' asks the waitress.

``I don't like sweet tea.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant asks a waitress: ``How much is vodka?''

``All you can drink for fifty dollars.''

``Bring me hundred dollars worth.''

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The Soviet emigre asks the waitress in a Brighton Beach restaurant: ``How much
is drop of vodka?''

``Is free.''

``Then drip me a cupful.''

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A Soviet emigre couple walk into a Brighton Beach restaurant. As they are being
seated, the wife whispers to the husband: ``I see our neighbors at next table.
Order something expensive in a loud voice, so they'll think we're rich.''

When the waitress is ready to take the order, the husband shouts: ``Bring us
hundred dollars worth of borshch!''

---

Soviet emigre husband and wife walk into a Brighton Beach restaurant and order
a dinner. When it's served, the husband starts eating hungrily, while the wife
looks on and does not touch the food.

``Is anything wrong?'' asks the waitress.

``I'm waiting for my husband to finish.''

``But your dinner is getting cold.''

``But he have the teeth.''

---

A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant tells the waitress:
``I so hungry, I'd eat dead rat.''

``Then you came to right place!''

---

A Soviet emigre complains to a waitress in a Brighton Beach restaurant: ``There's
a fly in my vodka!''

``One fly, how much can it drink?''

``Whatever it can, take it off my bill!''

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A client at a Brighton Beach restaurant discovers a dead cockroach among his
coffee drippings.

``What is the meaning of this?'' he asks the waitress.

``How do I know? I'm zhlobikha, not Gypsy.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant asks the waitress:
``What's that floating in my borshch?''

``I don't know, I'm waitress, not entomologist.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant complains to the waitress:
``There's cockroach in my borshch!''

``Eat, we have more. I'll bring you fork.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant complains to the waitress:

``There's cockroach swimming in my borshch!''

``And what would you do in his place, down yourself?''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant complains to the waitress:

``There's dead cockroach in my borshch!''

``What do you want now, funeral?''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant asks the waitress:

``Why is there dead cockroach in my borshch?''

``Boiling water always kills them.''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant complains to the waitress:
``Look what dirty rag I found in my borshch!''

``What do you want for one dollar, hand-made lace?''

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A client in a Brighton Beach restaurant complains to the waitress: ``I bit into
your sandwich and bit a dead mouse in half!''

``You're lucky it was dead, or you'd be arrested for cruelty to animals.''

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Did you hear about the Soviet emigre with lots of pimples who got a job at a
Brighton Beach restaurant?

They squeeze his face over the salad.


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dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis)
Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.: +1-718-261-2013, 14.4Kbps
Newsgroups: rec.humor