From: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #433
Date: 9 Apr 92 12:50:45 GMT
Article-I.D.: news.1992Apr9.075102.29766
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:23 -0500
From: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #433

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    433
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------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-01

Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, I just don't know any more.  The plough got stuck last
> fall turning down the alfalfa.  Nope.  Didn't get the plough out.
> Spring's coming and I don't know what to expect once the snow's
> gone.  Don't matter, I suppose, the draw horse didn't make it
> through the winter anyway.  Scurvy.
>
> My brother killed his wife with a sledge and ran off with my
> daughter.  She's already sixteen, he's no good and you can forget
> his wife.  My wife's run off with my son's playmate.  He's twelve.
> My daughter says she'll never marry so she makes it with the
> parish priest.  She's fifteen.  Oh well, she's a slut anyway.  My
> son got killed robbing a dimestore last week.  He was no good.
>
> The dog got run over and the cattle all have red hoof.  I guess it
> was a fit, but the pigs and chickens stank so as I shot them all.
> Now I got more pork and poultry than I could salt, smoke, pickle or
> can.  Don't matter.  Don't know how to can anyhow.
>
> Don't mean to be a burden, Oracle, but what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take your last $1000-2000 and ship thee down to good ol' Abu Dhabi,
} the colorful Arab nation that is the home of the Bank of Credit
} and Commerce International. Credit is just what you need. Just say
} you know Charles Keating and rake in the bread. Once you get home,
} buy yourself a nice house in suburban Michigan.
}
} You owe the oracle a pound of good topsoil.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-02

Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Is it possible to dig a hole to China?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, now - there's a question.  In theory, all things are possible.
} Reality, however, is often, sadly, a totally different matter....
}
} If you recall the tome "Journey to the Centre of the Earth", by Jules
} Verne, you may remember that his adventurers sought a route into this
} oblate sphere we call Earth.  As I recall, they didn't exactly go so
} far as to pass through the centroid and come out the other side, but
} sort of made a tangential exit somewhere in the Mediterranean.  I also
} believe that they used an existing route to achieve their aim, not
} actually, as it were, "digging" their way from their origin to their
} point of emergence.
}
} Now, with regard to your question, I would guess it'd be possible if
} one were conveniently close to China to dig a hole that eventually
} emerged in China, but the problem there is that, technically, a hole
} that goes from point A to emerge at point B, point B being some spot on
} the other side of the hole, is defined as a "tunnel", as there is a
} hole at both ends.
}
} Therefore we need to work at what, exactly, constitutes a hole? If one
} takes an infinitely thin layer, say, for the sake of argument, a sheet
} of paper, then it is physically impossible to dig a hole in the paper
} that does not emerge on the opposite side of the paper.  One would not
} say that the hole, in this case, constituted a "tunnel".
}
} If we extend this principle to an infinite number of layers, and
} therefore an infinite number of holes, we begin to approximate the
} situation which you wish to achieve (the Earth being infinitely thinner
} than an infinite number of sheets of paper), but with one important
} difference: There is a multiplicity of holes, not "a" hole.
}
} It would seem that it is theoretically possible to dig a tunnel to
} China, or to dig a large number of successive holes with China at the
} opposite side of the last layer in which you've just dug a hole.
}
} Perhaps it would be better to readdress the question: "Is it possible
} to dig a hole to China?" Certainly, if the starting point of our
} multiplicity of holes were within China, then it is possible, assuming
} China to be on a layer somewhat thicker than a piece of paper, to dig a
} hole "in" China that would not emerge anywhere other than the point at
} which it was dug.
}
} The corollary of this is, that given the thickness of the layer upon
} which China sits (for the sake of argument, let's call this layer
} "Earth"), and not wishing to dig a "tunnel", then we must make point B
} be China and point A a point somewhere within the layer we have called
} Earth.  The reality of this inference is that one would have to be
} embedded in the earth and dig a hole out, such that when seen from the
} side called "China", the hole truly appears as a "hole" and not a
} "tunnel".
}
} Therefore we conclude that it is possible to either "Dig a hole in
} China" or "Dig a tunnel to China", but in order to "Dig a hole to
} China", one would have to be at a point somewhere within the Earth.
} Unfortunately, anyone in this position would, under normal
} circumstances, be "dead", and therefore in no fit condition to dig,
} period.
}
} Ipso, the answer to your question is "No".
}
} You owe the Oracle a return air-ticket to Peking and a lateral thought.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-03

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,  whose grandeur I could not hope to imagine, whose
> personal hygeine is healthier than the healthiest healthy one around,
> whose brain could not be budged by a twenty ton crane, whose power is
> unimaginable, I have this question:
>
>      Why does your hair stand up like that?
>
> Your most loyal servant, Hans.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Hans, thanks for asking.  But I'm afraid I can't answer
} your question.  You see, you groveled too much.
}
} Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the latest trends in Oracular
} fashion.  Groveling is no longer permitted.  In fact, you've
} doomed this particular oracularity to non-inclusion in the
} digest by your excessive groveling.
}
} The new proper way to address me is "hey zot-face".
}
} While we're at it, maybe you'd be interested in other recent
} shifts in Oracular tradition:
}
} - Lisa is out.  In this politically correct age a simple
}   heterosexual relationship is unacceptable.  My new SO is
}   Pat, a bisexual transexual transvestite (and a vegetarian,
}   by the way).
}
} - Computer humor is out.  In fact, all humor is out.  It
}   used to be that the funniest oracularities were selected
}   and posted to rec.humor.oracle.  Now, those most completely
}   lacking humor are selected and posted to rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
} - <ZOT>s are out.  Nowadays, if I don't like something you
}   do, I keep it to myself and bring it up in therapy.
}
} Well there it is.  I don't like it anymore than you do, but
} nobody asked me.  Frankly, the whole thing has me biting my
} nails and pulling out my hair.  Hmm, maybe I did answer your
} question after all.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  Owing the Oracle is out too.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-04

Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, whose eyes see all, whose nose smells all,
> whose intelligence is rougly equal to the product of all mortals who
> ever lived combined, to the 14th power, I beg an answer to my question,
> a suitable solution to my dilemma:
>
> A few nights ago, I was reading a rather intruging book regarding
> unicorns. In this book, I found out many things about the healing
> and/or magical properties of such a horn.  Needless to say, I liked the
> idea, and I said to myself, "I wish I had my own unicorn's horn."  I
> thought it would be a cool thing to give to my girlfriend.   Well, so
> sooner had I said it, a little fairy (um, magical fairy, not the san
> franciscan type) popped out of nowhere and told me:  "Whola!  Your wish
> is granted.  You'll get it in the morning."  Well, I opened my mouth to
> say thanks, but he/she (it?) was gone.  Well, I drank three more cans
> of Jolt and went to sleep.
>
> Well, next morning, I was utterly disappointed to find that there was
> no horn anywhere to be seen.  I looked under the sheets, the dresser,
> arou k, and around the terminal - to no avail.  Then I thought: "Aha!
> Under the bed!  Of course!"  Well, I got on my knees, looked under the
> bed and *WHONK*
> Ouch... most splitting headache.  I went to the bathroom to find some
> asprin.  Then I saw that unicorn's horn.  Um, Oracle, I don't know how
> to say this, but I wasn't exactly expecting that horn to be in my
> freakin' head! Well, my roomate woke up and stumbled into the bathroom.
>  "Jeezus", he commented, "This ain't halloween!".
>
> Well, the rest of the morning was a disaster.  I haven't exactly left
> my dorm since then, and Jeff (my roomate) swore not to tell anyone.
> Well, he may only tell a few million of his close friends.  Anyway, I'm
> in a little bit of a fix here.  I can't exactly go to class, and that
> does wonders to one's GPA.  Should I join the circus?  Try to cut it
> off? Try to impress my girlfriend?  Thanks, Oracle, for listening.  I'm
> just a wee bit desperate here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O ignorant mortal. Don't you know that you must not ask for a wish from
} a fairy unless they are prepared to grant you three wishes ! This is
} what happens when you use bargain basement fairies, instead of fully
} qualified GFA (Good Faerie's Association) fairies.
}
} The only way you can possibly get rid of this is to some how convince
} this fairy to take it back. But this is not very likely, since these
} fly by night fairies never stay in any place for very long. Fairies
} refuse to touch each other's handiwork even if it is shoddy.
}
} I am afraid you may have to live with the horn for the rest of your
} life. This may not be such a bad thing though. Think of all the things
} you can do that your friends can't do. You can
}
}    i) Push your way to the front of any crowd.
}    ii) Scare off muggers.
}    iii) Impress people at fancy dress parties.
}    iv) Drill holes without having to buy expensive drills.
}    v) Hold lots of doughnuts.
}    vi) Have a huge new range of party tricks.
}    vii) Go spear fishing whilst you are swimming.
}    viii) Use your horn as an ice pick.
}    ix) Hold shopping bags with your hands and your horn.
}    x) Drive drunks crazy.
}
} Also think of the amazing job opportunities. Besides circuses, you
} could be a bodyguard. You could drill the holes in golf courses. Or in
} swiss cheese. There are hundreds of jobs for which you are the only
} possible applicant! Very useful in these times.
}
} Sadly, I think your girlfriend will not be inpressed. I don't think she
} will want to date you, unless she is into bestiality. Well, you can't
} win them all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to the next Fairies' Fancy Dress Ball.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-05

Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Thou of telescopic sight,
>
> I just landed a job with Rand McNally.  As you probably know,
> business has been tough for cartographers lately.  Sure, everyone
> rushed out to buy a new globe when the Germanies merged, but they're
> not about to replace their old atlas every time Slogobvia secedes
> from Albania or whatever.  Still, WE have to revise our product,
> and I'm talking mucho bucks each time.
>
> Anyway, I thought I could swing a pret-ty good bonus if the next
> time there's a pause in geopolitical musical chairs, I was there
> with a ready-made map to hand my boss.  So, cartosapient one, could
> you maybe just let me know what Europe is going to look like in,
> say, 1994?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will resemble a big pool of oatmeal, with a variety of
} different-colored disgusting objects like raisins and husbands and
} twinkies and operas swimming around in it.
}
} A vast, turgid vortex around Amsterdam will produce waves that extend
} to Prague.
}
} Someone will have painted North Poland a thin yet militant mauve, as a
} protest against increasing trends towards decreasing friends in Liens.
}
} Moldavia, Paslubia, Disphonia, Glamphonia, and Persnickia will have
} united into the Greater Fremplonic Republic.
}
} Beams of force sent by galactic space-congers will have made Rome,
} Times Square, Naples, and Athens all lie on the same line, and Italy
} will be bent like a boot that's been boiled for soup.
}
} Paris, once the Grand City of Water-lilies and Petunias, will be sadly
} diminished, and will have become the Pretty Decent City of Wombats and
} Pencils.
}
} Serbia will have gotten so sick of Yugoslavia that all the Serbs will
} have picked it up and carried it off north by northwest, so that it is
} next to Scotland.  However, they will be so distressed by the smell of
} haggis from across the border, so they will move it to Colorado, where
} they will enter a very uneasy truce with the New-Agers.
}
} Iceland, tired of its reputation as a cold country (despite the fact
} that it is the biggest banana producer in Europe -- they use
} greenhouses heated by geothermal power, which they have in droves.
} True fact), will have hired Frodo Baggins to move the Equator so that
} it passes right through Reykjavik.  (Frodo has had a lot of experience
} hauling hot rings around, after all.)
}
} Albania will be so economically depressed that it will collapse into a
} black hole.  Bulgaria and the Ukraine will be sucked in, never to be
} seen on earth again.  Greece will start to slide in, but great Athene
} forsaw the problem quite a while ago, and planted enough olive-trees
} to hold it down.
}
} Germany will be disunited.  The stresses of combining East and West
} Germany are too severe for the unifying powers of Chancellor Helmut
} Travolta, and it will fission again, leaving the world with North and
} South Germany, sliced cleanly around the level of Kentucky.
}
} The ex-Soviet states will have dismantled their Federation of
} Extremely Independent but Generally Friendly States (FEIGFS), and will
} be in the process of reuniting as the Gang of One-Time
} Soviet States Who Hang Around Together And Share A Few Beers And
} Reminisce About The Old Days BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD THINK OF
} INTERFERING IN EACH OTHERS AFFAIRS (except Russia).  The
} GOOTSSWHATASAFBARATODBUNCWTOIIEOA(ER) will have exactly the same outer
} boundary as the USSR, and inner boundaries everywhere that there is a
} major street in the USSR.
}
} But don't get too confident.  It all changes again the year after.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-06

Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
> I heard that you like it that the supplicant should growl before he
> asks you something. Being done with that one, could you tell me
> the difference between a prime minister and a prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Prime Number (PN)                     Prime Minister (PM)
} ---------------------------------------------------------------------
} Has no prime factor besides itself    Has no boss besides himself
} PN and one are its factors            PM is one with the state
} Divides by no other numbers           Divides the government's
}                                        responsibilities
} Infinitely numerous                   Infinitely talkative
} Everyone wants to find a larger PN    Everyone wants to be the next PM
} Useful in mathematical proofs         Prefers at least 150 proof
} Books have been written about PNs     Former PMs have written books
}
} You owe the Oracle the prime factors of Margaret Thatcher.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-07

Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Great Oracle, who gargles at the fountain of wisdom thrice daily, your
> humbled supplicant beseeches you to answer a simple query:
>
> Solid paper has been around for millenia.
> Liquid paper was introduced in the late 70s.
> When will we have gaseous paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We take you now to the Pentagon, where everything that has been
} written down since the early 1950's has been nothing but hot air.
}
} You owe the Oracle thermonuclear paper.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-08

Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com  (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle.  You're great.  I suck.  Please tell me:
>
>       Why is the Nerf Bow and Arrow set so much fun?  Why do half the
> people in this office have one for the express purpose of shooting one
> another at lunchtime or any other time?  What is it about human nature
> that requires us to indulge in such sophomoric and para-destructive
> behavior with pieces of foam rubber?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What those top marketing executives at Nerf have done is to provide
} a toy that allows people to release that destructive streak which
} is contained in every person on Earth in a harmless and wasteful
} way.  Nerf marketing executives get to play with the real thing,
} thus driving everyone onwards to the ultimate goal of working at
} Nerf.  This guarantees Nerf a high throughput of short-term middle
} and senior management executives, each with the well-trained eye
} needed to shoot their superior squarely in the back.  This assists
} the national economy by providing a steady turnover of employees and
} helps reduce the unemployment figures at the same time.  Nerf will
} soon have a major shareholding in every important industry and
} corporation in the world, especially with the release of their newest
} toy: foam-rubber atomic missiles and launchers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thousand shares of Nerf stock.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:35 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-09

Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O associative, commutative, and synchronic Oracle, one who laughs
> inappropriately during teleconferences asks: why is it that what the
> Post Office uses as the abbreviation for "California", oncologists use
> as the abbreviation for "cancer?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have said to many supplicants before, it requires great wisdom to
} comprehend the inner-workings of your postal service, but I believe I
} have an answer to this question.
}
} Studies have shown that California may actually cause cancer. I believe
} I have a citation here... one moment...
}
} ...shuffle...shuffle...grik!....spurf....bloit.....ka-chunk!
}
} Here we are. On page 24,767,873,551 of the March issue of the Galactic
} Journal of Everything, it says that rhesus monkeys were given
} apartments, BMW's, and high-paying jobs in various cities throughout
} the country. After 3 years, it was found that monkeys in Los Angeles
} and the Bay Area had a higher incidence of cancer than those living
} elsewhere in your United States.
}
} The study goes on to say that monkeys settled in New York had a higher
} rate of cardiac failure, and those in Washington, D.C. had the highest
} tally in monkey homicide.
}
} However, years before this study was published, the Postmaster General
} had a feeling that California was the kind of state that could probably
} contribute to mortality, so he chose CA.
}
} In later years, oncologists followed suit.
}
} What's the moral of the story? Stay healthy. Vacation in Denver- at
} least all they're named after is an omelette.
}
} You owe the Oracle: a bottle of Laetrile.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 Apr 92 07:50:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #433-10

Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Intuitive, I beg of thee to consider the question of how
> many blue beans make five.
>
> I remain,
> Innumerately Yours,
> Gleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Gleep, Servant Most Innumerate, I have considered thy Humble
} Request, and in response, thus do I decree:
}
} The number of blue beans that make five shall be none less than that
} number which would make the number of blue beans be one less than the
} number of beans plus one, nor shall that number be any more than one
} plus the total number of blue beans minus one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lesson in tautological statements and a blue
} Smartie.
------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #433
***************************************