From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: First Post, Lost Love
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Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1992 00:29:03 GMT

m&m (anon-1055@twwells.com) wrote:

: 	Now what really triggered me to write.  I just got really pissed when I
: read that your partner *needs* to leave the relationship to grow in areas he
: cannot grow within it.  IMO people who use that excuse to leave relationships
: are running away.  I can see some reasons for leaving even what seem to be

Hmmm...I can understand your attitude, but I've also seen times when people
*felt* they had been painted in a corner, and they had no choice.  Very often,
though, they look back later and realize they *did* have a choice (often several
of them) that they didn't see at that time.  But for survivors, oftentimes it's
a cop-out, to avoid confrontation.  But remember, your task here is to learn
to rise above a fear-based response.  For those of you out there who are
yelling "BULLSHIT!"  I would ask you to examine your *real* emotions and
feelings behind your actions.  Why did A blow off B?  "Well, he/she did some-
thing that I really couldn't deal with!"  And what was that?  "Well, it was
..."  OK, do you see that your inability to deal with the situation was
somthing inside of *you* and not inside of the other person?  "Uh, how's that?"
Well, one of the basic tenents of the empowerment movement is the idea that
*you* have total control over your environment most of the time.  *You*
make the choice of how to react or not to react.  Not making a choice *is*
a choice, too!  "But how does that make it *my* fault?"  No one ever said
anything about fault - just responsibility, personal responsibility for
what you do.  I can't make you do *anything* you don't want to do, short of
direct physical violence.  However you are perceiving my words, *you* make
the choice as to how you will perceive them, *you* make the choice as to how
you will respond.

To the extent that you refuse to take personal responsibility for your
actions, to blame the other person, you give your power away to others.  With
personal power comes an equal dose of personal responsibility.  If I blame
my ex-SO, I am admitting to myself and to others that they have a power
over me that I can't control - that she *made* me react in such-and-such a
way, and therefore she's pulling my strings.  Well, if she has control, I
obviously don't, right?  *Now* who's the whiner and complainer?  Me!  Yes,
I am still bound by my emotions, I am still a slave to them, but that
realization makes it easier to loosen those chains, and one day soon, I
*will* be free of them!  And so can you, too.  But not by blaming others
for what's happened to you - that gives your power away.  Put blame aside
for a while, stop crying in your beer <smile> and get pissed off!  "Hey,
yeah, that motherf**ker that abused me, he's had control over me, but as
of right now, I *refuse* to allow him/her any more control!  From now on,
*I* make the choices!  *I* decide if I'm going to be happy or sad, not
him/her!  If I want to kill myself, goddamnit, that's *my* decision to
make, not anyone else's - and I'm not going to allow my perp that much
control over whether I live or die!"

Perps - who needs 'em?  Let 'em go when you can, and get on with it, right? :)
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"