From: botma@cs.utwente.nl (Bart Botma)
Subject: Instant Gigabytes ?
Organization: University of Twente, Dept. of Computer Science
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 12:45:39 GMT

INSTANT GIGABYTES? 

A recent  inquiry amongst  each 2.4  legged inhabitant  of the uncharted 
backwaters of  the unfashionable  end of the  western spiral  arm of the 
Galaxy held by Wowbagger the  Infinitely Prolonged on a Sunday afternoon 
when he  was finished  insulting the  universe and  everybody in  it and 
couldn't find a dry  towel and thought "Where do  towels go to when they 
get wet?" showed  that the construction  of a new  hyperspace bypass was 
not such a neat idea. 

Not only  would it  spoil the  backwaters view  of some  of the Galaxy's 
richest dry-cleaners who  are notorious for  their brutality towards wet 
towels, it would also mean the  destruction of several planets and their 
primitive life  forms such as  earth whose inhabitants  still think that 
God himself planted that apple tree in the middle of the Garden although 
God has better things to do than gardening and listening to the pleas of 
those unhappy ape descended  life forms just because  he had some fun on 
that planet a few thousand years ago. 

Scientists from Information  Theory, a small yet  beautiful back & white 
planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse had been more than pleased with the 
plans to  construct a new  hyperspace bypass but  weren't interviewed by 
Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged despite the fact that each individual 
did show 2.4  legs. A suspicious  looking moon which  was created during 
the night now called "The night I cut off my 47.6 legs" and several shoe 
("Hi Al")  factories covering some  of the mayor  continents hinted that 
the number of  legs is a  non-absolute number on  Information Theory and 
depended   on   Wowbaggers  movement  through   hospitals.  Their  eager 
motivation to participate in the inquiry is  now known to be caused by a 
small   company  called  WEB  Technologies  (Smyrna,  GA,  Earth)  whose 
researchers alleged to have developed  an algorithm which could compress 
any amount of  data to under  1024 bytes. Although  by their very nature 
skeptical at  first, they tried  to get a  call through to  Earth to get 
confirmation   but  all  they  kept  hearing  was  "Beep,  beep,  beep." 
Fortunately, by not paying the  telephone bill they weren't disconnected 
and found out that the telephone  connection of WEB Technologies was cut 
off and the firm was on the edge of bankruptcy because 

1. they couldn't serve  their customers complaints  because the line was 
   always busy 

2. they tried to pay the phone bill 

3. the fax didn't work either 

4. the decompression algorithm still had  a minor flaw which slowed down 
   sales and 

5. they would not begin shipping real soon now. 

Researchers of WEB Technologies have reported to be still working on the 
problem.  The  rest of  the  respectable universe  however  was relieved 
because even  if the compression  algorithm would have  worked, which it 
didn't, and  even if  they could compress  any amount  of information to 
under 1024 bytes, which they could although the decompressed information 
then bore little resemblance to that of the original, the possibility of 
finding the  compressed ultimate question  about Life,  the Universe and 
Everything on a  single sheet of  paper was so  astronomical small, that 
you better take at  random some letters from  a Scrabble set and compose 
the question yourself. 

Although philosophers  were also on  the brink to  get earth demolished, 
they have now turned  away from the question  and its answer and instead 
sell  earth  art  and  earth  music  for  astronomical  high  prices  to 
psychiatrists so they can keep their patents stunned. 

The now somewhat less respectable universe believes that is was not such 
a bad move to allow those ape-like beings to escape from the demolishing 
of their planet by the Vogons just by having some kind of a nightmare on 
a Thursday afternoon and forgetting all about it. 

//BYTE, june and october 1992, Instant Gigabytes? 
-- 
     ___       "If you are sure, only somebody else can stop you."
 ___/   \_______                                                 .----------.
|   \___/       | Bart Botma, University of Twente               |    ,--_  |
| ___    _   __ | Tele-Informatics and Open Systems Group        |   /)_( ) |
|  |  | / \ (_  | P.O. Box 217, 7500 AE Enschede The Netherlands |  (____/  |
|  |  | \_/ __) | phone: +31-53-893755 fax: +31-53-333815        | =/   ()  |
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