From: M18611@MBVM.Mitre.Org (Kathy Wilk)
Subject: Re: 20/20 SPANKING COMPLAINT
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford MA 01730
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 18:06:19 GMT

>Anna was spanked because she was refusing to follow through on an
>agreed-upon logical consequence of her wetting her pants.  In our
>house, there are rules (discussed and well-known) and consequences
>(usually logical).  We set the rules, with feedback from our kids
>at the time.  Once the rule is in place, we, as parents, enforce it.
>If my child refuses to take the agreed-upon consequence, then she
>is disobeying, and she gets the consequence of disobeying.
>
>In terms of long, irrational arguments, we do not believe in exerting
>authority arbitrarily and capriciously.  If I give my son a command,
>he can bring up his side of the story in an appropriate manner and
>at an appropriate time.  This is something we have worked hard to teach
>him (and still do).
>-- Misty
>
>
  The above explanation about a discipline problem seems to center on
obedience.  Obey or take your punishment (confess to disobeying and then
get your punishment might have been part of the scenario, I have lost
track of all the pieces of this story).  I find this whole 'obey or get
hurt' approach to be very scary.
  The parent has a tremendous range of choice when deciding what is
appropriate ('he can bring up his side of the story in an appropriate
manner and at an appropriate time').  I think this can lead to some real
mistakes on the part of the parent.  The stage of development is so im-
portant!  You are dealing not with another adult when you talk about what
is 'appropriate' but a child whose natural reactions give clues as to what
is appropriate for him or her at that stage of his or her own development.
  I have been thinking a lot about this lately with my daughter who is
three and a half.  Yesterday, we were driving to a concert.  In the morning,
I had mentioned to her that this week (starting Monday), we would be working
on getting her to stop sucking her thumb.  As we drove to the concert (Sunday),
she said to me, 'Mom, you forgot to tell me about how to stop sucking my
thumb!'  I could see that she had been thinking about this thumb business!
  I said, 'Oh, well, you're too big now to suck your thumb so you should
start trying to stop.'  She was quiet for a while (sucking her thumb in the
back seat).
  She said, 'But Mom, I don't want to stop sucking my thumb because I like
it!'  This made perfect sense to me but I gave her another reason for stopping.
I said, 'You know, other kids stop sucking their thumb when they are older and
when they see you with your thumb in your mouth, they might call you a baby and
that might hurt your feelings.'
  She was quiet again.  Then she said, 'Well, when we get to the concert, I
won't suck my thumb.'
  So at the concert (a man played the guitar and sang songs for kids), she got
very excited because there were a lot of kids there and lots of jumping up and
down and pretending to be animals, etc., but even as her thumb gravitated
toward her mouth, she adamantly refused to suck her thumb.  It was really
difficult for her but she did it!
  And sucked her thumb happily in the car on the way home.  But I was elated
because I knew that she had given herself a goal (no thumbsucking during the
concert) and accomplished it.  I complimented her in front of my husband for
being thumb-free for that time.
  Wetting her pants is not a crime I would spank a child for (and I don't
believe is spanking, anyway).  There are just so many hurdles (internal
and external) that a child has to deal with - and the knowledge that she
will be spanked for not controlling urine is just too much for a child,
in my opinion.  The child does not enjoy wetting her pants!  My daughter
cries when she has an 'accident', which has happened a few times, and she
has never been spanked, threatened, ignored, or even spoken to sternly about
potty training.  Isn't this an amazing child to those who believe you have
to spank away bad habits or punish away lack of control?
  I can tell you my kid is average in every way.
 
                        K. Wilk
                        M18611@MBVM.MITRE.ORG
 
            <--********************************-->
 'Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him to the ground
  on top of me.' - Mark Twain
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