From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Subject: from Adria
Originator: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com
Reply-To: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Organization: TRW Space & Defense
Distribution: alt
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1992 23:41:43 GMT


=====Begin post for Adria=====
Jim Puckett:
     Where DO you get these ditties?  Do you spend hours making them?
Or do they just come to you in moments of inspiration?  I find that
they go down about as well as a very bad pun (...or good one, I'm
not sure which, it depends how you look at it)--a REAL GROANER.

Re: Religion vs Spirituality:
     I don't know if I'm agnostic or atheist or what.  The Rabbi in
this town says that I'm Jewish unless I convert out, but he would
never have me as part of HIS congregation (I'm not sure if this
is because of my financial station in life, or my personal quiet
absurdity even when I TRY to act like everyone else).
     Different times in my growth in the program I thought I
believed in different things, cuz I read a book and it was
talked about so it was new and foremost on my mind.  Rather
than thinking about it, I immediately went into it head-over-
heals.  Didn't understand moderation.  Didn't understand
THINKING about things before making decisions.  Now I do. Now
I'm comfortable saying that I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE or even
IF I believe anything at all.
     But I digress....
     ...during the years when I FELT the need to pray for/about
anything, I chose the deity I was "believing in" at the time
to pray to.  I made up prayers in a style that I thought would
please that particular diety.  IT HELPED ME AT THE TIME.  And
IT WAS THE BEST I COULD DO AT THE TIME.
     Things change. We change.  We grow and learn more about
ourselves.  This weekend driving to NYCity I learned that when
I'm calm, I don't care how badly the other person in the car is
yelling and screaming.  When I get upset about something, I don't
want to speak or be spoken to.  When I get upset, telling me to
do anything (even if you THINK you are only suggesting something)
is enough to make me explode, slam the brake (at about 55 mph)
so that you get yanked in your seat and SHUT UP so that I can
tell you to leave me alone or you're getting out and walking NOW!!
It takes 1 tape played on both sides for me to calm down. I
think it's a time thing.  But if you want to get me upset, wait
'til I mention one LITTLE thing that disturbs me and TELL ME
EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD DO ABOUT IT after I've asked you to not
bother me because I need to concentrate on something (I was forced
off the road twice, once by a truck in the rain, the second time
by a car trying to pass me at 65 on a 1 lane stretch borderd on
both sides by metal rods).
     Another button of mine to push is to not answer a question
that I ask, but to ramble on-and-on on something almost related.
If I ask you if I should turn left or right at the next corner,
go ahead and tell me where I want to end up and don't let me
know what to do at the next corner.  I'll stop in the middle of the
road with cars honking around me getting YOU all upset 'til you
let me know what to do (I'd never been in Manhattan before).Hell,
it's MY new car, I can wreck it if I like.
     Does this have anything to do with spirituality?  It has to
do with learning about myself and what some of my buttons are so
that I can learn how to control my erratic reactions to someone
doing these to me; half the time the person doing this only
wants me to react negatively anyway---it's the old "if I'm
miserable, everyone has to be miserable" syndrome.  It's about
learning what irritates me and what calms me and how I can
concentrate on the calming things rather than the irritating
things. This MIGHT be considered something having to do with
spirituality...it all depends on the individual definition I
guess.
     Sometimes when I feel really bad and I want to cry and
feel bad, I go to the synagogue.  That always makes me cry.
And I am pretty miserable all the time because I don't know
how to enjoy life.  I don't WANT to be miserable, I don't
think.  But I don't know how to NOT be miserable either. When
things go well I concentrate on the fact that SOMETHING'S gonna
go down and ruin it completely, so much so that I get out of
the here and now and into the scenario in my head to the point
that even if it DOESN'T get ruined, I can make myself in my
head think that it did, even though I know that it didn't.
     Sometimes talking about it honestly...about what I KNOW
is going on, and what I'm THINKING is going on and what I'm
THINKING MAY START going on...with the people/person involved
makes it all right because that person/those ppl let me know
what is going on in THEIR opinions as well as what they see
as going on OUTSIDE THEIR head/s and we get things cleared up.
Sometimes not, but it lets me feel more assured about what's
going on so that the bad stuff goes away eventually.

     This is my experience ONLY!  If you want to perceive
some strength or hope in it, that's your perogative...I'm too
negative a person for those things.

-----Adria   (dog@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu)
=====End post for Adria=======
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com