HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: babb@rapnet.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb)
Subject: Re: World Religions in a Nutshell
Organization: Sanders Associates
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 92 21:39:35 GMT

schurko@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Robert Schurko) writes:
: 		World  Religions  In  A  Nutshell
: 
: Taoism		-Shit happens.
: Confucianism		-Confucius say, "Shit happens."
: Buddhism		-If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
: Zen			-What is the sound of shit happening?
: Hinduism		-This shit happened before.
: Islam			-If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
: Protestantism		-Let the shit happen to someone else.
: Catholicism		-If shit happens, you deserve it.
: Judaism		-Why does shit always happen to us?
: Mormonism		-Our shit is better than your shit.
: New Age		-Were all part of the same shit.
: Est			-You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
: Scientology		-If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
: Satanism		-We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
: Mysticism		-This is really weird shit.
: Rastafarian		-Hey, this is good shit, mon.
: Shamanism		-Whoaa...Holy Shit!
: Agnosticism		-You can't prove any of this shit.
: Atheism		-I don't believe any of this shit.
: Sureshism		-You are all pieces of shit.
: 
: 
: 	Regards,
: 
: 			Rob
: 
: -- 
: *************************************************************************
: *Rob Schurko			schurko@ccu.umanitoba.ca		*
: *Chemistry Department		rob@one3.chem.umanitoba.ca		*
: *University of Manitoba						*


WARNING: POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS AND TASTELESSNESS TO FOLLOW:


Rosicrucianiam		-What is this A.M.O.R.C. shit?
Krishnaism		-Please accept this flower and buy our shit.
Baptist			-We'll wash the shit right off of you.
Evangelical		-Send us all your shit.
Rajhneesh		-Give us your shit, and put on this orange shit.
JimJonesism		-This Kool-aid tastes like shi...

--
   Lockheed Sanders may disagree so these are solely the opinions of:
             Scott L. Babb - babb@rapnet.sanders.lockheed.com
              "We didn't inherit the Earth from our parents,
                   we are borrowing it from our children."
From: smackinl01@cc.curtin.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Bathroom humor
Date: 13 Aug 92 04:11:01 GMT
Organization: Curtin University of Technology

In article <1992Aug12.125153.346@aber.ac.uk>, gjs@aber.ac.uk (Gary John Salter) writes:
> Seen on a toilet wall.
> 
> When this tiolet cleaner finally dies,
> he will find erected in the skies,
> a tribute to his glorious wit,
> a monument of solid shit.
> 
> Any other toilet poetry anyone?
> 
> Gaz

On the toilet roll dispenser at Uni.....

-- Arts degree, please take one --

also, on the back of a door....

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to s**t and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bulls**t on the walls......

-- 
Simon.
Have you got a form 27/b?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ashok@regulus.Inria.Fr (Ashok Kumar)
Subject: Sick Joke
Organization: INRIA Sophia Antipolis, France
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 08:45:38 GMT

Q:How do you kill a red elephant ?
A:Shoot it with a red elephant gun.

Q:How do you kill a green elephant?
A:Shoot it with a green elephant gun.

Q:How do you kill a white elephant?























A:Tickle it pink and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cariapa@Tied-House.Stanford.EDU (Sandeep Cariapa)
Subject: Re: Engineering jokes needed!
Organization: EECF, Stanford University
Distribution: su
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 92 21:43:51 GMT

In article <frank2.23@underdog.ee.wits.ac.za>, frank2@underdog.ee.wits.ac.za (FRANK D N) writes:
|> 
|> I'll be away for the weekend, so please e-mail me your copious lists since 
|> our damn mail server thingy has a nasty habit of erasing news group postings 
	^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^				    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
	You must be an arts major yourself..


|> almost as fast as it gets them.


-- 
 Sandeep Cariapa, cariapa@eecf.stanford.edu, (415) 723-1004 (work address)
 System programmer, EECF, Stanford University. 
 Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
From: mcs@wet.UUCP (Gil Nardo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Creation expressed in IBM JCL
Date: 22 Aug 92 06:28:40 GMT
Organization: Wetware Diversions, San Francisco

zzassgl@uts.mcc.ac.uk (Geoff Lane) writes:
> 
> Author and source is unknown - I just typed it in from an old piece of
> paper.
> 
> //CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440
> //*
{: deleted rest of JCL cards :}

Output of run

EBEND 0xdeadbeef - UNDEFINED EXPRESSION - 'GOD'
-- 
Gil Nardo                  | mcs@wet.com
Migrant Computing Services | (415)664-1032
1032 Irving Street, #435   |-----------------
San Francisco, 94122       | Supernova = *!
From: rsadve@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Adve)
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Organization: Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 92 10:56:59 EDT

>>We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
>>in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
>>Can you help me?  
>>
>>I've come up with itchy, scratchy, krusty (all from 
>>the Simpsons in case u were wondering), elvis, 
>>thefarside, oohbaby, whoababy, woobaby (stolen from 
>>the net), ohbaby, themall, thelake, thebeach, and 
>>thegap, but none of these is all that great, or 
>>appropriate for work....please please help me, it 
>>just needs to be somewhat clean, you know, suitable 
>>for the workplace.
>>
>
>toaster, blender, canopener, eggbeater, macintosh
>
How about 'computer'?
--
Raviraj S. Adve
Dept. of Electrical Engg. 318 Link Hall.        Ph: 443-4450.
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish
From: marios@ecs.comm.mot.com (mario smarduch)
Subject: Re: Polack joke
Organization: trunking_fixed
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 22:07:42 GMT

In article <1992Aug18.183738.17605@tin.monsanto.com> bcschu@skws02.monsanto.com (Brett Schultz) writes:
>It was just a joke.  I really don't think that Polish have any less brain power
>than anyone else.
>
>Brett
>
> 

Brett, your statements are very offensive to me - wheather you think
this is a joke or not you are just simply spreading hatred and
insults. As a community of intellectual's this cannot be tolerated
on the network and you should just simply stop posting this kind 
of crap; keep it to yourself. ALSO THE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR 
SHOULD SEE TO THIS.
From: speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Speed Limit of Sex???
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 92 08:53:29 EDT
Organization: Dan's Domain, Randolph, New Jersey

ADVI8737@RyeVm.Ryerson.Ca writes:

> What is the speed limit of sex?
> Answer: 68 because at 69 you turn around.
> Ha! Ha!  Response please??

   I heard it this way:

   Why can't a woman make love faster than 68mph?

   If she goes 69 she'll blow a rod.
From: t9114240@phillip.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: confuscious say
Date: 21 Aug 92 20:00:05 GMT
Organization: RMIT (Bundoora Campus)

confuscious say...

	sex on beach is like american beer......fucking near water!!!!

ADRIAN ROWLEY
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: st1ns@rosie.uh.edu (Ault, Russell W.)
Subject: Re: "Free" Trade
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: University of Houston
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 23:40:00 GMT

In article <1992Aug12.174402.24119@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>, mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel) writes...
>In article <1992Aug12.021403.10234@geovision.gvc.com> pt@geovision.gvc.com writ
>es:
>>mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel) writes:
>>>>is to have them invade a third world nation.
>>>     Well, give the U.S. a little credit here.  It hasn't invaded
>>>Canada yet - or is Canada second world?
>>
>>We're not scheduled to become third world until _after_ NAFTA is signed.
>>(North American Free Trade Agreement = All the jobs that we didn't loose to
>>the US after the original FTA go to Mexico)
> 
>     The original statement was not serious, but the replies I've
>had have been.  This is not a good sign.  The U.S. clearly has
>been a bully to the Canadian economy.  Unfortunately, it's probably
>just going to keep getting worse for a while.
> 
>Well, sorry about the seriousness of this article.  At least
>there weren't any Biblical references.

Well, we can certainly fix THAT!  

  I'm heartily in favor of NAFTA because GOD TOLD ME TO and it says right here
in my favorite Latin (7th century Porcinus transcription) Bible that Free Trade Is
Good!

Now, if I could just remember the name of the newsgroups to cross-oops-post this to...

(Still no sig, still adding random pseudothoughts.)
  Bumpersnickers on a Volvo:
Left side:  My other vehicle is a Tardis
Right side: You can't get then from now

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: yozzo@watson.ibm.com (Ralph Yozzo)
Subject: Newest Health Food Fad: Candy Corn
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 00:29:03 GMT
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM
Organization: IBM T.J. Watson Research Center


WCBS News Radio recently ran a story about candy corn.  Apparently,
candy corn marketers have found that candy corn has less fat than the
raisin.

This news should be immediately brought to the attention of President
Bush.

Maybe, candy corn can be added to the school lunch program.  It could be
served with President Reagan's favorite vegetable, catsup.


Ralph Yozzo (yozzo@watson.ibm.com)  
From the beautiful and historic Mid-Hudson Valley area of NY state
-- 
Ralph Yozzo (yozzo@watson.ibm.com)  
From the beautiful and historic Mid-Hudson Valley area of NY state
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish
From: anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec)
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Originator: anton@gagme
Keywords: degenerate, slimeball, grandparents, sex, duct tape 
Organization: Gagme Public Access UNIX, Chicago, Illinois.
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 07:17:13 GMT


In article <1992Aug10.151300.2492@mdcbbs.com> hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III) writes:
>

Polish jokes deleted


>Griff Hamlin III
>(hamling@mdcbbs.com)

Say Griff, I didn't know lowlifes like you had dynasties.
Or does "III" mean having sex with ones grandmother or grandfather?

Andrzej A. Borowiec

p.s. I'm really getting tired of you buttheads not x-posting
Polish jokes to soc.culture.polish
From: lm8637@tnessd.sbc.com (Lou Montgomery (214+464-1049))
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: agnostics and athiest
Date: 13 Aug 92 21:10:06 GMT
Distribution: rec
Organization: Southwestern Bell

In article <1992Aug10.1480.24266@execnet> "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com> writes:
>
>                   In article <10113@vice.ICO.TEK.COM>
>             bobb@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Bob Beauchaine) writes...
>
>BB>  Well, context or not, how many legs does a grasshopper have?  The
>BB>  ones in my back yard have six, the Bible says four (in Leviticus
>BB>  under the food laws).  I await your context sensitive explanation
>BB>  of how this only appears to be a contradiction.
>
>Who the fuck cares! When I get that grasshopper he'll have no legs and
>be sitting in a hot sauce marinate while the BBQ is warming up.
>
>Take this religious crap to alt.religion or alt.sci.fiction.
>
   Buy a "fuckin'" clue pickle-lip. Are you unable to distinguish
  between religion and a description of a four legged insect coupled
  with a document reference that happens to be the Torah?

   Get that dog turd out of your mouth, and maybe someone will take
  your flames more seriously.

   Meanwhile take your religion hating "crap' to we.hate.everything.Duh..

   This is for funny stuff like I just posted.

   Doo-Dah Doo-Dah

                                        Well EXCUSE ME! I wuz jus' kiddin
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: harish@theory.lcs.mit.edu 
Subject: humor magazines
Followup-To: rec.humor
Keywords: funny times, comic relief
Organization: MIT
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 01:18:18 GMT

Do anyone know just how funny the following 2 monthlies are:
     (They're both humor magazines)


     The Funny Times
     Comic Relief Magazine

Know of other good humor publications ?

Post or email.

harish@theory.lcs.mit.edu


OBJOKE:
In soc.college.gradinfo A.S Johnson writes:
Subject: What is minimum grade point average needed

I would like to know what is the minimum acceptable grade point average
necessary for grade school in general.  Thanks for your help.
              ^^^^^
From: novanet@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: The Mathematical Horse
Date: 14 Aug 92 21:52:00 -0300
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

Here is a REALLY AWFUL PUN I once had the pleasure (??!!) of decoding on a
math worksheet in junior high school:

	There once was a poor but honest farmer, whose only possession was
	a horse which he had had for many years. This horse was beginning
	to grow old, and it could no longer plough the farmer's fields fast
	enough to be of any real use.

	Even though he knew that it was time to sell the horse to the glue
	factory, the farmer didn't want to kill his only friend in the world.
	He sat up all one night trying to think of alternatives, but finally
	he decided that, if he didn't think of another use for the old horse 
	in the next 24 hours, he would bring it to the factory.

	The next day, he still hadn't thought of anything to do, so he sadly
	led the horse down the road towards the glue factory. On the way to 
	the factory, they passed a school. On the road outside the school, a
	child had dropped a math book - elementary arithmetic. The horse
	stopped dead in the road and stared at the book.

	The farmer picked up the book, and to his surprise the horse began
	to turn the pages, as if reading the book! An idea began to form
	in the farmer's mind - he had once seen a circus with a horse that
	could add. Could his horse do the same? Only one way to find out...

	Within six months, the horse had learned everything in the book,
	and the farmer traveled the countryside with it, doing shows in 
	all the little villages in the area. People paid vast sums of 
	money to see this horse which could not only add, but subtract,
	multiply, and divide - even with fractions!

	The farmer became rich beyond his wildest dreams, but he also 
	became rather greedy. He thought to himself, "If the horse can
	master that simple book, it should be able to learn some harder
	math!" So he went to a store and bought a book on graphing linear
	functions on the X-Y system.

	When he put the book down in front of the horse, that animal just
	went absolutely berserk! Its body stiffened, and then it ran 
	frantically away across the hills. The farmer gave chase, but when
	he caught up with the horse, it was wheezing terribly and seemed
	about to collapse. (It was, after all, a very old horse) It died
	on the next d. The farmer drowned his sorrows in drink, and he 
	died a pauper soon after.

*+*+*+*+*+ THE MORAL OF THE STORY +*+*+*+*+*

"YOU CAN'T PUT DESCARTED BEFORE THE HORSE!"

(GROAN!)

Mary Ellen Foster
MARYELEN @ hfx001.ns.istc.ca
From: bohy6489@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: no more who's on first, please
Date: 19 Aug 92 07:59:37 -0500
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
thank you thank you....

A thousand or more thank you's to all who responded to my desparate need for
"Who's On First".  When I first posted, I didn't expect to get *one* copy.  I
have since received no fewer than 10.  

****PLEASE**** stop sending it.  If anyone *wants* a copy, let me know.  I
think I can scrounge one up now...

Again, thanks much.  You folks have reaffirmed my faith in mankind...

===============================================================================
Jim Bohy                                        | "I am he as you are he as you
Graduate Student - Computer Science Education   |  are me as we are all
University of Northern Iowa                     |  together..." - J. Lennon
Cedar Falls, IA  50614                          |
bohy@att1.uni.edu                               |  by the above, I am myself
===============================================================================
From: news@tinton.ccur.com (News)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 13 Aug 92 19:48:41 GMT
		 <16arg6INN925@ensta.ensta.fr>
Reply-To: pala@tinton.ccur.com (Alagan ah!)
Organization: Concurrent Computer Corp., Tinton Falls, NJ
X-Beauty: 	 It wasn't the airplanes...'twas beauty killed the beast.
Originator: pala@bach.tinton.ccur.com
X-Live: 	 Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

In article corwin@ensta.ensta.fr (Gilles Gravier) writes:
 >In article ibmpa!cdc017.austin.ibm.com!lkoh@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com writes:
 >>
 >>We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
 >>in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
 >>Can you help me?  
 >>
 >>I've come up with itchy, scratchy, krusty (all from 
 >>the Simpsons in case u were wondering), elvis, 
 >
 >
 >	How about droopy, mickey, minnie (why not female, uh?), bones,
 >vader, leia (female again), and, generically speaking, ANY movie caracter...
 >Also, you way want to use first names of people you know, or dog names, or
 >countries, ou geographical landmarks, planets, flowers, animals...
 >
	
	How about one of the seven dwarfs....
		  one of the five men in the army....
		  one of the three musketeers....
		  one of the thousands of beer names

	Some that I wanted to use, and didn't use were....

	somewhere, nowhere, who, what, where, when, why, how, 
	noland, myland, yourtown, mytown, home, earth, sick
	bathroom, toilet, dungeon, rogue, space, starbase, 
	center, solid, river, rhino, phantom, pitfall,
	eternity, paradise, sushi, metoo, samiam, madam,
	gym, jimsdead, head, tail, toe, shoebox, under, 
	infinity, machine, madhouse, junkland, sea, etc....


At IBM why not:
	
	ps2sucks, os2sucks, whatsos2, SOS2, aixaint, aixsuxs

One thing that I would consider before naming is:
	Think of how it would be when you are asking someone to email you 

	    login@nowhere.......
	    login@yourtown......

Have fun.....

Later,
--
Meiyappan P_________________________________________________pala@tinton.ccur.com
 
                   To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
 
---------------------------------------------------.sig files mean nothing to me
From: ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: The Tent Joke
Date: 20 Aug 92 13:06:15 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Control Data Systems Inc., London, UK.
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL3

crgoc@bard.uk.cray.com (Gary O'Connor) writes:
: 
:  "now is the winter of our discontent"
: -- 
: It's willy shakes his spear and henry IV ( I think)

-- WHAT!   --   Try Dick-the-Shit!

[Richard-the-Turd for non-Bard of Avon fans] 

See! You missed out on two extra puns.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: erikm@microsoft.com (Erik Madsen)
Subject: Political Jabbing
Date: 19 Aug 92 22:55:36 GMT
Organization: Microsoft Corporation
Distribution: usa


 A room full of election candidates gets swept up in a tornado and
 sent to Oz.  Realizing where they are, each of the politicians
 goes before the Wizard:

 Ross Perot: "If I only had courage..."  George Bush: "If I only had a
 heart..."  Dan Quayle: "If I only had a brain..."

 The wizard looks at them all and says, "Granted."  Then looking at
 Bill Clinton, he asks, "What about you?  What do you want?"

 Clinton looks around and says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Xref: sparky rec.humor:26239 alt.politics.clinton:2080 talk.politics.guns:19369
From: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu (lawrence finkel cis stnt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.guns
Subject: Re: Guns don't kill ...
Date: 17 Aug 92 16:42:31 GMT
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J.

In article <1992Aug13.204325.17929@news.yale.edu> swatt%mickey@net.yale.edu (Alan Watt) writes:
>
>
>Accepting sloppy thinking for the sake of a neat-sounding slogan does
>not improve matters.
>-- 
>  Alan S. Watt
>  Yale University			Computing and Information Systems
>  Box 2112 Yale Station			(203) 432-6602
>  New Haven, CT  06520-2112		Watt-Alan@Yale.Edu

Come on Alan, 
without accepting sloppy thinking for the sake of neat-sounding slogans
where would the advertising industry be? Or for that matter
  	Newspaper columnists;
	Radio talk show hosts;
	Politicians;
        
Or anybody else who is unwilling or unable to expand an idea beyond a ten
second sound bite.
Unfortunatly, in this world of limited patience, inadequate education, 
and undeveloped intelectual capacity ,the most we can hope for is nifty
slogans.

OBJ
	Hillary Clinton has announced that if Bill is elected, she will
give up her law practice.
	To me, one less lawyer, is good enough reason to vote for Bill.

-- 
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
#                     Lawrence Finkel: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu                 #
#   "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."   #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jd@dickens.com (Joe Dudar)
Subject: Re: The boy stood on the burning deck...
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 14:44:04 GMT
Organization: Dickens Data Systems, Inc.

In article <1992Aug13.165256.89746@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au> che238n@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au writes:
>	The boy stood on the burning deck,
>	His pocket full of crackers.
>	One fell down his trouser leg,
>	And blew of both his sandshoes.
>
>		-Paul Hogan

Mind explaining to a Yank what's s'posed to rhyme with crackers?
-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joseph A. Dudar  |  Help?  He doesn't need help, he needs hindrances:  if he
jd@dickens.com   |  has to climb over enough of them, he might inadvertently
Atlanta, GA      |  fall on top of her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And of course, my opinions may not coincide with those of my employer.  TBTG
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nazir@sw.stratus.com (Meer Nazir)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Add me too
Keywords: FUNKY COLD BOSTON
Date: 21 Aug 92 15:52:13 GMT
Reply-To: above
Organization: Stratus Computer Inc.


 Add me to the list,pls.

PEASE ME too.....
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish,alt.censorship
From: gilmore@venice.sedd.trw.com (Larry Gilmore)
Subject: Re: Polack joke
Organization: TRW Systems Engineering & Development Division, Carson, CA
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 19:30:10 GMT

In article <1992Aug21.151703.11576@lmpsbbs.comm.mot.com> marios@ecs.comm.mot.com (mario smarduch) writes:
>
>not everyone is American and for that matter does not give a shit about
>YOUR FIRST AMMENDMENT. 
>
>Thanks,
>mario s.
>

You're welcome.  Now take a vallium and go to bed.

-- 
Larry A. Gilmore             Internet: gilmore@venice.sedd.trw.com
TRW SEDD, DH1/2849
P.O. Box 6213                Phone:    (310)764-3318
Carson, CA 90746             Fax:      (310)764-3946