From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Introduction
Date: 6 Oct 92 18:47:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


Hi. Guess it's time for a proper introduction.

******Possible Spoilers - a stating of the facts******
	also a very boring, poorly written letter...






Run now...















Ok. I think we're safe down here.

I am a 23 year old survivor. I have known since I was 16 that something had
happened. (I went to college at that age, and as soon as I was free, I knew
SOMETHING had happened.)
A hell of a lot of growing up later, I have several difficult memories. My
stepfather raping me, my mother permitting him to force me to do things to
her...and recently I've become aware that she was doing things to me before he
even came into the picture. Yuck.
And on top of that all, I recently started to realize that I'd seen something
really bizarre - like the murder/mutilation of a child... I have an image of
my stepfather (?) holding the head, only the head....ohgod..., of a friend (?)
of mine and shaking it at me. I think I walked in on something I wasn't meant
to see... and then I'm quite certain there was sort of a ritualistic
terrorizing of me from that time on in order to keep me quiet.
I do love and respect myself. I do have feelings. But I can shut them off like
a light if I feel I need to. And think how often - details of murders upset me
horribly now - imagine how many movies and tv shows have made me block the
feelings? I don't even notice it!
I thought I was doing really well, but lately, I can't look at myself in the
mirror. I think I look awful, and I feel better about myself if I don't look.
I am setting boundaries, but there are still SO MANY to go!
I guess my question is, "Am I really healing?" I never made a conscious
decision to heal. Or if I did, it was not monumental. I remember feeling very
shaky after my first trip to a counsellor, but when I finally started going
regularly, I didn't have a hard time. I read about people who realize they
were abused and just put it away. Am I doing that? Am I finding the easiest
way around it?
I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've come so far. I can have a healthy
relationship now. I can say no. I have "reintegrated" myself into my body.
It's actually PART of me now, instead of some annoying thing I have to carry
around. But if I'm healing, why aren't I crying more? I just remembered my
mother enjoying abusing me, and I'm not crying! 
Of course, I think that's why I'm frozen. I think the reason I don't blame her
as much is because my stepfather did it to hurt me. The point with him was to
inflict pain. Mom never hurt me. She just used me. "just" Ha.
Now, I know this is going to sound petty and trivial, but I don't know how to
act toward her. Like, what if I want to get married someday? I sort of wanted
a real wedding. I'm never going to have one now, because I can't involve my
mother... *hollow, empty, scared laugh* I don't even know why I torment myself
with these things. I'm not going to get married. I don't see the point. I'll
NEVER have children. I'm too scared. So why worry?
And I read...was it Peaceful Warrior's?...post on the holidays. I had to lie
through my teeth last year in order to gain the pleasure of Christmas alone. I
WILL be alone this year, too, dammit. But she still writes. I think she may
even realize why I'm angry, though I thought she'd blocked it out. Guess that
doesn't make much sense...

God, you know? I just want a normal life. I once had an incredible brain that
could have done a lot. Now it's spending too much time caring for itself. I
can't produce the capacity I would've been able to had this not happened. So
I'll give up on doing something amazing with my brain. So can't I have a nice,
normal life? I want to get married in a real wedding where my siblings are
there and happy for me. I want to have children if I want, without worrying
day and night about them. It's not going to happen. What have they left me? I
don't have my brain, I don't have the simple pleasures. Six years of work and
all I can say is, "My body is mine." Talk about a Phyrric Victory.
I admire Goldberry's anger so much. And I get angry, but I can't go after my
stepfather because he's a goddamned murderer. I am strong enough to face the
fear of being beaten for fighting for myself. But if he becomes aware that I'm
remembering, he'll kill me, and that's NOT a joke.

Well, I'm lost and confused, and this is a terribly long letter. If no one
made it this far, I don't blame them, and it's ok because just writing it
helped me.



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