From: c8923075@frey.newcastle.edu.au (Chris Baird)
Subject: [9F02] Lisa the Beauty Queen
Keywords: simpsons capsule
Organization: University of Newcastle Maths department, Oz.
Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1992 10:48:43 GMT

[I originally mailed this to the Widener email/news gateway over 48
hours ago, but it's yet to appear elsewhere.]

It's too bad that the newsgroup is no longer frequented by the
``Abject Admirers of Lisa Simpson'' faction,, I expect that Brendan,
David, Steve and Raymond were bouncing off the walls during this
episode. :)

..and I counted two specific Australian references in this episode.  [Yay!]

--
Chris ``Somebody up there likes me!''[8f21] Baird,,

SPOILERS for almost everyone outside North America!

===================================================================== 7-Nov-92
[9F02]	Lisa the Beauty Queen				Written by Jeff Martin
						     Directed by Mark Kirkland
==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
The introduction sequence with the 15-Oct-92 episode was that shown the
previous week in Canada (see 9F01).

But luckily, several Canadians reported the introduction that escaped the
ravages of FOX:

 Blackboard:  I will not prescribe medication.
	      I will not prescribe	       - at cutoff.

 Driveway  :  No oil on the driveway.
	      Homer does not shake his fist at Bart.
	      Homer says `D'oh!' as Lisa scoots past.

 Couch	   :  Maggie (who is already on the couch) watches as Homer, Marge
	      and Bart rush past, over-shooting the couch and revealing
	      the `film strip' edge of the picture.  H,M&B put on the
	      brakes, get back in the frame, recover and (accompanied by
	      Lisa) get to the couch as normal.

[Alan Echenberg believes this couch scene might be a homage to an old Tex
Avery cartoon; Alan J Rosenthal encourages watching the sequence frame by
frame for truly bizarre animation.]

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice?
==============================================================================
    ... the ferris wheel rocket still lodged in the wall of the school?	 {hot}
    ... Lisa's first fall?  {dh}
    ... the tiara was still smouldering from the lightning strike as Lisa
	was crowned `Little Miss Springfield'?

Raymond L. Gilbert {rlg} observes:
    ... in Homer's fantasy, there where 400 (20X20) people in the stadium.
    ... on the TV commercial, the little girl doesn't come back down from
	the last throw!
    ... Marge hits the resonance frequency of the glass she's holding when
	fantasizing about Jack Nicklaus.
    ... that the letters in the `Little Miss Springfield' sign light up as
	Krusty sings each letter.

Michael Parisi {map}:
    ... they wrote SHOP with the slash through the "O" just like in
	Scandinavia?  I believe they were making reference to the chain of
	Swedish home/furniture stores in the L.A area called "STOR".
	("ST0R" to those of us using generic ASCII computer terminals.)

==============================================================================
> Popular references
==============================================================================
      Georgie Girl
	- `Blimpy Boy' makes use of the tune, originally recorded by the
	  Seekers, and a theme song from the movie of the same name.  {syr}
      All That Jazz
	- The Bob Fosse-esque director of the beauty pageant.  {mb}
      Hairspray
	- Lisa in competition with a blonde named `Amber'...
	- ...who initially won the contest, but had to give up her crown
	  on account of an injury.  {jc}
      Flashdance
	- Lisa's dance number.	{dh}
      Proud Mary
	- Lisa's variation of `America, the Beautiful'.	 {rc}
      Vanessa Williams' abdication of her Miss America crown.
	- Krusty's mention of incriminating photographs.  {rlg}
      The Hindenburg disaster
	- Kent Brockman's ``Oh, the humanity...''  {rc}
    + LBJ's Presidential inauguration.
	- Lisa swearing in as the new Little Miss Springfield.
	- ...with Marge in a `Jackie' pillbox hat.  {rc}
      Any movie eastern/central/northern European immigrants/deportees.
      (eg: A Fiddler on the Roof)
	- Lisa's wharfside welcome.  {bw2}
      Revenge of the Nerds
	- Nerdy types chasing a football team off a playing field.  {elm}
      Apocalypse Now (Playboy Bunny scene)
	- the escape from Fort Springfield -- the helicopter airlift,
	  replete with Hope hanging off the runner.  {pd}
      Joe Camel
	- Menthol Moose. {rc} (from a cigarette campaign in North America that
	  was widely criticized for endearing to young children. -cjb)
      Dan Rather
	- Kent Brockman storming off the set.
	- "you can find me downstairs at..."  {jf}

==============================================================================
> Lists and Freeze-Frame Fun
==============================================================================
>> The Springfield Elementary School Carnival
{rc}
   `The Happiest Place On Earth'
	Guess Your Age & Weight	 (He guesses 53yo & 420 lbs; Homer is
				  actually 36 and 239. -rc)
	Haggis	50 cents  (attended by Groundskeeper Willie)
	The Paralyzer
	Jimbo's Spookhouse
	Caricatures $3	(The `Ayyy' Fonz, Farrah Fawcett, Darth Vader surfing)

>> Lisa's hair styles

    Bo Derek, `The 10'
    Marge Simpson
    Buffy/Princess Leia
    Lisa Simpson  (with a subtle difference: her spikes lean slightly and
		   curled at the tips. -dh)

>> The Little Miss Springfield Pageant
{rc}
	Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn
	We're Now Rat-Free!

>>> The lyrics
Transmutated by Ron Carter.

>>> The opening number

Girls:	 Having our own, making it work!
	 Gasping for air, having it all!
	 ...
	 Checking it out, caring about us!
	 Making a wish, dreaming a dream!
Krusty:	 Little Miss Springfield, which one will it be?
Girls:	 [pause, sigh] Me!

>>> Krusty's finale song

	L's the losers in her wake...
	I, the income she will make...
	T is for her tooth-full mouth...
	T is for her tooth-full mouth...
  (Note the lyrics would go on for 17 more lines, presumably the next
   line would be `L's the losers...' -rc)

>> The Springfield Founders' Festival Parade

	Laramies Jr. Cigarettes float.
	God Bless Mommy and Daddy and Laramie Cigarettes

	SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:  Smoking By Pregnant Women May Result in
	Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.
	[Note "in" is not capitalized, but all other words were. -rlg]

>> The headlines

	Lisa Kicks Butt
	Queen To Mayor	You're Next
	Nerds Pummeled In Football Melee

==============================================================================
> References to previous episodes
==============================================================================
[7G01,7G10]  Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn.
     [8F06]  Homer <finally> got a photograph of Lisa for his wallet..

==============================================================================
> Animation Goofs
==============================================================================
   ... Lisa's miraculous appearance during the couch sequence.

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================

==============================================================================
> Comments N' Controversy
==============================================================================
Itemised discussions from alt.tv.simpsons subscribers...

Calvin Henry-Cotnam {chc}:
    The scene with Lisa at the hairdresser struck a funny nerve with me.
    I have commented to others before how women/girls will go to "get
    their hair done", and make a *really* big thing about it if it is for
    some special occasion.  But they always return looking exactly the
    same as when they left.  I mean EXACTLY.  At least when I get my hair
    cut, I return looking as if it was.

Karl Wagenfuehr {kw}:
    Did You Notice that one of the contestants at the beauty contest --
    one of the two telling Lisa about Amber, specifically the one with the
    beret -- was the same person as the baby-sitter in "War of the Simpsons"?
    So, does that mean she is the same age as Lisa (which makes her seem an
    odd choice for a baby-sitter), or is the Laramie contest not age
    specific, or were the Simpson people just lazy and tried to slip one
    over on us, hoping we wouldn't notice?

ST702459@brownvm.brown.edu:
    The RenandStimpyification of The Simpsons is evil!	If people want to
    watch the rapid cuts, inane plots and crashbang action of Ren & Stimpy,
    let them watch Ren & Stimpy -- Lisa the Beauty Queen had way too much of
    it.	 I say they go back to the kinder, mellower Simpsons, where
    characters stayed in character, the plot followed some sort of
    reasonable progression, and we all had a good laugh.
[..and drank lemonade. -cjb]

From Henry Tirado {hot}, our certified Scavenger of Human Misery:
    Little Miss Springfield being hit by lightning had to rank as one of
    the best LAUGH-TIL-YOU-FALL-OFF-THE-COUCH scenes since Homer's rescue
    from Springfield Gorge, Martin's burn victim run in the Soap Box
    derby, and Flanders' rescue of Homer when the Simpson house burned!

Jason Miller {jm}:
    I BEG to differ.  Watching someone get hit by lightning is by no means
    funny.  In an animated series, it is only funny if the person appears
    again, totally unharmed in the very next scene (as in any RoadRunner
    cartoon).
    The fact that Amber is never mentioned again in the episode does not
    help that bit of humor.  Along with the reference to the Hindenberg
    crash, I found these to be two of the most tasteless bits of humor in
    the entire series.

To which James Willer responded immediately..
    - nobody (who isn't a cartoon) *saw* LMS get hit by lightning, and
    Amber was mentioned as 'already having won Miss Recovery Ward'.
    - the Blimp scene was a *scathing* *biting* satirical swipe at the
    crass news media!  (If they tell us a kid fallen down a well is a
    tragedy, we believe them.  If they tell us that blimp probably
    *deserved* to explode, we believe them...)

>> Disney's lawyers

(scottsc@polari.online.com):
    The opening of this show .. was .. an obvious reference to the
    Disney vs. preschool situation of a couple of years ago.
    "The Happiest Place On Earth", the motto which the "suits" were
    hassling Principal Skinner about, is the motto of Disneyland.  There
    were also two clear shots of a stylized mouse ears logo on the briefcase.

Ron Carter {rc}:
    And a few years back, Disney went after a pre-school that had large
    paintings of the Mouse and Pals on their walls; -or else- was the
    promise...	It ended with Hanna-Barberra painting some of -their-
    characters (Huckleberry Hound, The Jetsons, etc) on the walls.

==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene summary
==============================================================================
Principal Skinner stands with a lawyer and two thugs under a canvas sign
that reads:
	      Springfield Elementary School Carnival
		  ``The Happiest Place on Earth''

Lawyer:	 Principal Skinner, `The Happiest Place on Earth' is a registered
	 Disneyland copyright!
Skinner: Oh gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
Lawyer:	 And its heading for a great big lawsuit!
	 [jabbing Skinner with a finger] You made a big mistake, Skinner!
Skinner: Well, so did you -- you got an ex-Green Beret mmmad!!!

Skinner stabs his fingers at a thug's throat and gives a high kick to the
lawyer's chest.	 Seeing the two men on the ground, the second thug makes a
run for it.  Skinner flings the lawyer's suitcase high in the air and hits
the fleeing thug dead on, from some 100 feet away.

Skinner: [adjusting tie] Copyright expired!

At a water pistol booth, Nelson quickly tires of the idea and gets more
enjoyment shooting at Martin instead.  Meanwhile, Bart has set up his own
booth -- 3 card Monte.	He pitches to a group of boys.

Bart:	 [shuffling cards] Pick a red, get ahead; pick a black, set you back.
	 [smirks slightly after placing 3 cards in front of him]
Skinner: [barging in] Mmmm, I don't recall authorizing this booth.
Bart:	 Good-bye, gentlemen...
	 [throws a smoke bomb and vanishes in a puff of smoke, table and all]

In a lone booth marked `HAGGIS	50 cents', Groundskeeper Willie (dressed in
a kilt) has a fork poised as he shouts his pitch to no one.

Willie: Get your Haggis right here!  Short, half and longs!  Boiled in a wee
	sheep's stomach!  Tastes as good as its sounds.	 Good for what ills
	you.. [long pause] -sigh-

At the `Guess Your Age and Weight' booth, the operator estimates Homer is
aged 53 and weighs in at 420 pounds.  Bzzzt.  (``Ha haa, 36 and 239!'')

Operating `The Paralyzer', Otto accepts Bart's challenge to make the ride go
faster.	 A capsule breaks off and crashes through the side of the school,
bursting into flames.

Otto: I'll be in Mexico until this thing blows over.

Otto starts to make his way on foot while pursued by a posse of *very* irate
men.  Boy-scout Milhouse is excited at finding Jimbo's Spookhouse.  Inside,
Milhouse finds himself surrounded by Jimbo, Dolph and Kearny (the town
hoodlums from ``The Tell-tale Head'').	Jimbo threatens Milhouse as Kearny
demands he hand over all his cash.  Outside, Milhouse clutches his stomach
as Bart strolls by with an ice-cream cone.

Bart:	  Was it scary?
Milhouse: [in pain] Uh-huh.
Bart:	  Ho Hoo, baby!	 [enters the Spookhouse] Uh-oh!

Lisa sits down to have a caricature done of her.

Artist: [making small talk] So girly, you like roller skate'n?
Lisa:	No!
Artist: Heyyy everybody loves roller skate'n!  [finishes drawing]
	Okay, you can turn around now.

Lisa looks up at the overhead projection and gasps at the crude drawing of
herself on roller-skates, chasing a boy.  The surrounding crowd laugh.	Lisa
regards the drawing the artist hands to her, ``Oh my God!  I'm ugly!''

In front of the school, Skinner stands on a raised platform next to a raffle
barrel, a shoe buffer, and a easel covered by a white sheet.  Using a
microphone to address the crowd..

Skinner: Now in a moment, we'll be raffling off our grand prize..
	 [removes sheet] a ride on the famous Duff Beer Blimp!

In the crowd, Homer (sitting beside Marge and Maggie) fantasizes about
riding on the Duff blimp:

Pilot: You see the circular patterns on those fields -- that's from central
       pivot irrigation.
Homer: [face pressed against the glass] Wowwwww!
Pilot: Now; let's see what's happening at the Super bowl.

At the Super bowl, a section of the crowd creates a giant size picture of
Homer while shouting out: ``HOME-R!  HOME-R!  HOME-R!  HOME-R!''.  Back in
reality, Homer (with eyes closed) softly chants, ``HOME-R! HOME-R! HOME-R!''

Skinner awards the second prize -- a shoe buffer that is awarded to Ned
Flanders.  Homer is frustrated to see Ned rush up on stage.

Homer: Oh it's no fair!	 We'll never have a buffer!
Marge: We have one at home, you never use it.
Homer: [whines] Welll, I want that one!

Skinner announces that <Homer> is the the winner of the blimp ride.  With
eyes bulging, hands waving, Homer screams ``Oh My God!''

In her bedroom, Lisa sits in front of her dresser mirror, grieving over the
cartoon drawing.  She sobs and belly-flops onto her bed, burying her face in
a pillow.  In the hallway, Homer gaily sings his heart out.

Homer: Heyyy thereeee, blimpy boy!  Flying through the skies so fancy free!

He notices Lisa crying through the open door.  Sitting on her bed, he asks
what's wrong.

Lisa:  [sobbing, face still buried in pillow] Dad, do you think I'm ugly?
Homer: What are you talking about?
Lisa:  [holds up the caricature]

Homer takes the drawing and chuckles at it, stating that it isn't real; it's
just how she might look if she were a cartoon character.

Lisa:  [face in pillow] I'm a ugh-mo.
Homer: Now, that's not true.  You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa:  Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: [sees Abe walk pass] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Abe:   [poking head in] Nooooo, you're homely as a dog's butt!
Homer: [to Lisa] Thereeee, see?
Lisa:  I'd like to be alone, please!

Homer leaves his sobbing daughter to herself, and finds himself at Moe's
Tavern playing with the spilt beer on the counter.  Head resting on one
hand, he asks Moe if he ever felt unattractive.

Moe:	[ponders] Mmmm, no.
Homer:	[turns to Barney] How about you, Barney?
Barney: [raising mug] Not for a second!	 [borrch!]
Homer:	[sighs] I need help.

On the Bar TV, Homer watches a man throw a little girl high in to the air.
The man comments that every father must think their daughter is the cutest
Jack Larson enters, stating that is now a way to prove it.

Father: Wow, the president of Laramie Cigarettes , Jack Larson!
Larson: This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.
	You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV.
	[takes a puff on a cigarette and holds up the box] Ah, that sweet
	Carolina smoke!	 But, they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty
	pageant for little girls ages 7 to 9.
Homer:	Lisa's age is 7 to 9..
Larson: Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host,
	Krusty the Clown--
Krusty: [read] I heartily indorse this event or product.

A little girl dressed as a beauty pageant contestant, cuts in; ``What a
feeling, I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning!''

Homer: [astonished] That could be Lisa!

Homer's excitement is snuffed when learning that a contestant needs 250
dollars to enter.  Looking inside his wallet, he sees Lisa's photo and the
Blimp ticket.  Holding the two in air, Homer has to choose between them.

Homer:	Hey Barney, will you give me 250 dollars for this Blimp ticket?
Barney: Sure.  [presents a stack of bills]
Homer:	[gasps] Where did you get all the money?
Barney: From some scientist..  Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy
	like me can really clean up.

Barney turns around to finish the rest of his beer.  On a shaven area of
Barney's head hang 3 tiny wires.

[End of Act One.]

At breakfast, Bart and Maggie sit across from Lisa, who is viewing her
grotesque reflection in a spoon.  Marge tries to cheer her up by singing
(``..There once was an ugly duckling.'').. to Lisa's annoyance.

Lisa:  [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!
Marge: Noooo.  No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks.. that
       makes fun of the ugly one.  Mmmm.

Homer: [entering the kitchen] Lisa, if you could have one wish, what will
       it be?
Lisa:  To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again!
Homer: Ahhh.. was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss
       Springfield Pageant?
Lisa:  [shocked] What are you talking about?!
Homer: I sent in an application for you.  I couldn't find a big enough photo
       of you, so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller-skates.
Lisa:  [crushed] How could you!	 I won't do it!	 [exits; sobbing]
Marge: [snapping] Homer!  Lisa's sensitive about her looks; this is the last
       thing she needs!
Homer: [defensively] But I think she'll win!

Bart asks his Dad if he's seen the girls in those contests.  To get the
point across, Bart hits the kitchen table with a fist (``Hubba! Hubba!'')
takes off his shoe and hits himself with it [huh?].  He finishes with wolf
calls and cools himself down by splashing milk in his face.  Homer finally
recognizes what Bart is getting at.

Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl!
Marge: Mmmmm, you're looking at her through a father's eyes.
Homer: Well if I could gore out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my
       sockets I would; but to me, she's beautiful!
Marge: [moved] That is so sweet!

In Lisa's bedroom, Marge tells Lisa that she isn't going to be forced to do
anything, but asks if she knows where Homer got the pageant money from.

Downstairs, Homer waves a pickle above the kitchen table, singing mournfully
(``Heyyy thereeee, blimpy boy!	Flying through the skies so fancy free!'')
Face down on the table, he sobs.  Lisa agrees to do the pageant and hugs her
mother.

Lisa stands with two other girls as they wait in line to register for the
Little Miss Springfield Pageant.

A little blonde-haired girl enters the room sporting a fur coat and blue
shades.	 She reveals a Shirley Temple-esque dress after dropping the fur
coat at her mother's feet.  One hand at her hip, she fluffs her hair with
the other.

girl2: Amber Dempsey.
girl1: In the same week she was Pork Princess aaaand Li'l Miss Kosher.
Lisa:  [mesmerized] Sssshe beautiful!

The second girl tells Lisa to wait as Amber's about to bring out the real
ammunition.  Amber removes the shades, revealing long eyelashes with which
she blinks adorably.

girl1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa:  [puzzled] I thought those were illegal?
girl1: Not in Paraguay.

Standing before Marge and Bart in the front room, Lisa holds up a glossy
photo of Amber Dempsey, stating there's no way she could defeat Amber --
she's the Jack Nicolaus of the pageant circuit!  Rubbing her wine glass,
Marge denies that Amber is attractive and fantasizes about Jack bending over
to retrieve a golfball.

Lisa:  I meant that they both win all the time, Mom!
Marge: [embarrassed] Oh, well, yes.  That's what I meant, too.	Well, tell
       you what -- this afternoon, I'll take you to the beauty parlor and
       show you just how lovely you can be.

Bart:  And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade -- taping your
       swimsuit to your butt; petroleum jelly on your teeth for that
       frictionless smile; and the ancient art of padding. [purrs]
       [Marge and Lisa stare at him in disbelief.]

At the beauty parlor (`Turn Your Head and Coif'), Lisa hangs upside down
with a mud pack on her face, cucumber slices over the eyes, hair in curlers.
She asks the male hairdresser if they're finished yet; igniting a blowtorch,
the man states they're just warming up.

Lisa: [feeling the heat from the blowtorch] Ahh, isn't this dangerous?
Man:  Don't worry, I am well protected.

Lisa's final hair style almost matches her old one.

Through the front room window, Homer watches Marge and Lisa pull up to the
driveway.  Turning to Bart, he tells the boy to make a big fuss over how
Lisa looks.  Bart doesn't see the point, ``She'll see through me like
Grandma's underpants!''

Homer: No she won't!  When it comes to compliments, [making fierce gestures]
       Women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more...MORE
       MORE!  And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart:  Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older.

Homer fantasizes lying in a hammock, contented to sip a tall glass of
ice-tea and watch his sweaty wife mow the lawn with a push mower.

Homer raises a hand to his face in fake astonishment when Lisa and Marge
enter the house.

Homer: Is that Lisa?  Oooo, I gotta call Heaven.  [looking around]
       There's an angel missing!
Bart:  [pointing] And whose your little school friend?	[sways back]
       Wait a minute -- that's Mom!

The girls eat it up.  Marge thanks the boys for the fake compliments,
``I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight.''

After the girls leave, father and son do a high-five.  Bart asks Homer if he
knows anything else about women.  Homer shakes his head, ``No, that's it.''

Bart applies his new acquired knowledge in an ice-cream parlor.	 He sluggishly
spoons a bite of ice-cream (from a pint-size bowl) into his mouth while
watching the fat waitress approach.

Lady: Hey Brush head -- you've been nursing that thing for an hour!
Bart: You know, I was just wondering how someone who works in in an
      ice-cream store keep such a trim figure.

Eating it up (``I've misjudged you.''), the waitress serves Bart a
Homer-size scoop of ice-cream.

Watching the girls rehearse for the beauty pageant, the choreographer takes
a drag on his cigarette before shouting at them.

   I said `Step pause turn pause pivot step step' not `Step pause turn pause
   pivot step pause'!  [sighs]

The front room becomes a stage as Bart coaches Lisa (how is wearing high
heels) through a dress rehearsal.  Maggie looks adorable dressed as a
contestant.

Bart: [welding a banana] And the winner is.. [pause] Lisa Simpson!
Lisa: [clasps face, gasps]
Bart: Okay, wipe away a tear.. [Lisa complies]
      Hug the loser.. [Lisa hugs Maggie].
      And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway.

Lisa takes a few shaky steps before falling flat on her face.  From the
floor, she explains that it's hopeless.	 Bart refutes the suggestion and
shows her how it's done.  But Lisa has second thoughts and asks her
high-heel-wearing brother if he thinks she really has a chance.

Bart: [thrusting a hip provocatively] Hey, I'm start'n to think I could win.
Lisa: But those other girls are prettier than me.
Bart: [difficultly] Lis, as your bother, this is the hardest thing I've ever
      had to say.. [pause]  You're not ugly.
Lisa: [joyfully] Oh Bart!

The Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn (`We're now Rat-Free!') plays host to the Little
Miss Springfield Pageant.  Inside, the pageant opens with the girls on
stage, singing:
		Out on our own... Making it work!
		Gasping for air... Having it allllll!

Amber Dempsey walks out and introduces herself.

Amber: [waving] My name is Amber Dempsey.  When I grow up I wanna be a
       sweetie pie.  [flutters eyelashes adorably]

A Pakistani girl introduces herself.

Pahus: I am Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, and tonight, I'll be playing
       MacArthur Park on the tabirah. [audience laughs] No, I am serious!

Sitting behind OFF, Apu and Sanjay stand up, clapping proudly.	Apu points,
``Yes, Judges, there's your queen!''  But both men gasp when Marge asks them
who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart.	 We cut to the store and see Jimbo, Dolph
and Kearny hauling off the Squishy machine.

Lisa:  [introducing herself] My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Li'l
       Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place.

Back stage, Jack Larson is markably annoyed at Krusty's late arrival.
Helped by Miss Pennycandy, Krusty strains to fit into a tuxedo.

Larson: Krusty, it's about time you got here!
Krusty: Yeah, yeah!  What is this, thee, aw, Republican fund raiser?

On stage, the girls continue singing.

	Checking it out...making a fuss!
	Making a wish, dreaming a dreammmmmm!
[Krusty rushes out]

Krusty: Little Miss Springfield, which one willllll it beeeeee...
Girls:	[raising their hands in air] Meeeeee!

In the talent segment, Apu and Sanjay, the only people not sleeping, applaud
loudly when Pahusacheta finally finishes MacArthur Park.  A weary Krusty
returns to present the next contestant.

Krusty: Ohh, that just kept going, huh?	 And now, here's...
	[reading a name-card]... Lisa Simpson.

Backstage, Homer tells Lisa they'll love her just as much as he does.  Lisa
thanks him and applies petroleum jelly to her teeth (for that frictionless
smile..)  After Lisa leaves, Homer samples some of the jelly (``Mmmmmm.'')

Lisa: [speaking into a microphone]  Some people say that to love your
      country is old fashioned, uncool, real Melvin.  Well, to them I say..

      Oh beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of gray..
      ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR

Lisa strips from her dress, revealing tights.  Grabbing the mic stand, she
really belts out a performance.

      Left a good job in the city... working for the money every night
      and day... [does a wonderful dance number that gets the judges moving]

Krusty comes to his favorite part of the pageant, but has difficulty reading
(remember 7G12?) the cue cards.

He asks Amber if the Bill of Rights is a good thing or bad thing.  Amber
hesitates before answering `good thing' and flutters her eyelashes adorably
at the judges -- who all eat it up.

The pageant is nearing it's end; Krusty speaks:
   And now it's time to name our runner up, who if the winner doesn't
   fulfill her duties, bla bla wasa wasa... And don't say it'll never
   happen, because we all remember what happened with what's her name,
   [making camera gestures] click click, you know.  Okay, the runner up is...

A drum roll sounds as Krusty opens the envelope.  Lisa and Marge both
anxiously hold their hands in expectation while, backstage, Homer polishes
off the rest of the petroleum jelly.

Krusty: ..Lisa Simpson, which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss
	Springfield!!!

Amber hugs Lisa, and two girls crown Amber with the flowers, crown and
sceptre.  Krusty sings his heart out as Amber triumphantly walks down the
runway.
		   L the losers in her wake
		   I the income she will make
		   T is for her toothful mouth
		   T is for her toothful mouth...

At home, Lisa sadly watches Scott Christian's news report with her family.

Scott: Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation -- wasting food.
       [quick insert of man dumping a whole turkey in trashcan, followed by
       a whole carton of milk]
Scott: But first, let's join the Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey, as
       she helps open the Danish Super chain shop.

Outside the Danish shop, Kent Brockman faces the camera.

Kent:  Scott, everyone is here.. From the mayor's illegitimate son to our
       own Duff Blimp.

Scene changes to show the Blimp's interior as Barney asks the pilot for a
test-drive.  The pilot can't see a good reason why not; then Barney proceeds
to steer the blimp into a radio tower, the dirigible bursting into flames.

Kent: Oh, the humanity!	 Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire-damage
      spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield!

Mayor Quimby and Jack Larson watch as Amber pushes a button, and razor-sharp
spikes appear out of the road.	They applaud and Amber blinks her eyelashes
as thunderous clouds roll up.  At home in the TV room, Marge becomes
worried.

Marge: Oh dear, it'll be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
Lisa:  I'll say the greater danger is her sceptre acting as a lighting rod--
       unless it's made out of plastic.
Bart:  [intense flash of light from TV] Nope, metal.

At the Danish shop, Kent is genuinely shocked to announce that Little Miss
Springfield has been struck by lighting!

In front of the Simpsons' house, Lisa stands on a soap box as Jack Larson
uses a book to swear her in as the new Little Miss Springfield.	 The news
media, roving reporter Dave Shutton and Dr. Hibbert are there to witness the
event.

Dave:	 Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
Herbert: Oh, she'll be fine -- in fact, she already won the Little Miss
	 Intensive Care pageant.

Krusty places the smoking tiara on Lisa's head.

Krusty: Congratulations Lisa, you're the new Little Miss Springfield.
	Here's your sceptre..

Krusty holds out the sceptre to Lisa, but as Lisa reaches over to take it,
he yanks it back, giggling.  After offering and snatching the sceptre back a
second time, the giggling clown is struck by lighting.

Krusty: [as smoke wafts from his body] I deserved that.

[End of Act 2.]

At the Springfield Wax Museum, Lisa stands next to a likeness as
photographers take pictures.  As the rest of the family looks on, Bart
senses something is amiss.

Bart:	   That doesn't look like her body..
Attendant: Torso used to be Dr. Ruth, ah, her head is on a pike in a chamber
	   of horrors.

A brief visit to the Chamber of Horrors; where we indeed see the severed
head of Dr. Ruth; accompanied by Mr. T and Ronald Reagan.

In the school's cafeteria, Lisa (wearing crown) walks pass several boys --
who wave and whistle at her.

Lisa:  [coyly] Hi, fellaaass.
Chuck: [after she leaves] Love that chewing gum walk.
Ralph: Very wiggly.  [both do a toast with their pints of milk]

Standing with Chief Wiggum on a wharf beside a ship, Lisa welcomes a group
of immigrants to America, the land of opportunity.  Wiggum leans over and
whispers, ``Ah, actually they're being deported.''  A male deportee
sorrowfully plays the violin. (Can anyone name that tune?)

At Fort Springfield, the servicemen eagerly watch an empty stage as the PA
system announces Bob Hope.  Before going on, Bob (welding the trademarked
golf club) finds out the mayor's name (``Beautiful!'')

Bob Hope:
   Hello, this is Bob `What the hell am I doing in Springfield?' Hope.
   Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?  He's some golfer -- his golfball
   spends more time underwater than Greg Ugainus(sp?).	[servicemen laugh]

   And now I want to show you what you'll be fighting for, if there was a
   war on... Little Miss Springfield.
   [Lisa walks on stage and waves] Isn't she beautiful?

Having expected a more mature Miss Springfield, the servicemen are a mite
peeved.	 (``First Tony Randall cancels, now this!'')  They rush the stage.

After helping Lisa aboard, Bob is left dangling by one hand as the rescuing
helicopter leaves the riot scene.  Taking in the view,	Bob points his golf
club to something he likes.  ``Hey, set me down at that boat show.''

Standing on a platform with Jack Larson, Lisa surveys the work being done to
the Little Miss Springfield float she'll be riding on in the Springfield
Founders Festival Parade.

Lisa:	I'm going to be riding on a pack of cigarettes?
Larson: Mmm muh, we think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.
	It's part of our new campaign.

Larson shows Lisa a picture of herself praying at a bedside with a cigarette
dangling from her mouth.  The message reads: `God Bless Mommy and Daddy, and
Laramie Cigarettes'.  Larson thinks its classy, Lisa only gasps.

Larson: You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.  A lot of the
	people who smoke our product have been [waving hand] well.. dying.
	[chuckles] And we need young smokers to take their place.
Lisa:	But I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company!
Larson: But you're a role model to young people -- and we're thinking of
	retiring Menthol Moose.

Larson points to the red suited, black shade wearing, cancer-stick smoking
moose at the front of the float.  The moose coughs and spits to the ground.

The parade is underway.	 Homer and Marge (with Maggie) are lost in the crowd
of spectators.	Homer is moved by the sight of the white uniform marching
men.

Homer: [saluting] Bless you boys.
Marge: Homer, those are ice-cream men.
Homer: [wiping a tear] I knowwwww!

Lisa, riding on top of the Laramie cigarette sponsored Little Miss Springfield
float, waves at the people as Menthol Moose passes out free packs of
cigarettes.  She is soon shocked to see the people smoking, even kids.	The
clincher is seeing her baby sister subsitute her pacifier with a cigarette
she swiped from someone nearby.  Lisa demands that the float be stopped. 
The Santa (behind her) crashes his sled into the rear of the float (``What's
the holdup?  GO!'')

Lisa: [shouting] I'm tired of being a corporate shell!
      [kicking the cigarette pack from under her, flattening the moose]
      From now on, I will speak out against the evils in society..  From dog
      napping to cigarettes!

In the crowd, Maggie tosses her stolen cigarette away and promptly shoves
her pacifier back in its rightful place.

The Springfield Shopper spins into view, the heading reads: `LISA KICKS BUTT'.
At a football game, Lisa states (before singing the nation anthem) that
college football diverts funds that are badly needed for education and the
Arts.  A group of wimpy, geeky males charge the burly football players off
the playing field.

Another newspaper heading spins into view, it reads:
	`QUEEN TO MAYOR:  YOU'RE NEXT'
(second article: NERDS PUMMELLED IN FOOTBALL MELLE)

In a smoke-filled room, Mayor Quimby (surrounded by his advisors) sits
across the table from Krusty the Clown (and his advisors).  Chief Wiggum
watches the proceedings.

Quimby: [slamming the table with his fist] Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa
	Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in--	 [pointing to Wiggum]
	but this glorified crossing guard of a police chief won't get off
	his big fat can.
Wiggum: [wiggling the tip of a chip bag] Is it ok if I open these potato-chips?
Quimby: Humaaagh!

Jack Larson burst into the room, holding out a piece of paper.

Larson: [walking in] Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered!	 Take a look
	at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.

Reading the application, Quimby's eyes light up.  He buzzes the intercom and
asks Rocky to bring in a bottle of champagne.  Wiggum holds up the open
chip bag, ``Yeah, and some dip for these chips.''

Kent Brockman reports that Lisa Simpson is no longer the Little Miss
Springfield.  Kent's image is briefly replace by a goat being bottle fed.

Kent: Well, that's obliviously the wrong footage. Humaa, but it does seem
      that the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out
      the application incorrectly.  In the area under `do not write in this
      space' he wrote `OK'.

Sitting in front of the TV with Lisa, Homer accepts that it's all his fault
Lisa is no longer queen. (``You must hate me?'')  Lisa asks if he remembered
why he entered her in the pageant.

Homer: I don't know..  Was I drunk?
Lisa:  Possibly, but the point is you wanted me to feel better about myself,
       and I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa:  Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I rake your life?
Lisa:  It's a deal. [father and daughter hug]

The report continues with Kent announcing his exclusive interview with Pope
John Paul II.  Kent's image is replaced by the goat being bottle fed.

Kent: [unseen] That's it!  I cannot work under these conditions!  If
      anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDoocles.  Nope, call the
      weekend guy, I don't care!  [door slam]

[End of Act Three.]

==============================================================================
> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments
==============================================================================
``This is the part of the job I hate.'' [8F17]

This compilation Copr. 1992 Chris Baird; Scene Summaries Copr. 1992 Dave Hall.
Quotes from The Simpsons are the property of 20th Century FOX Television, and
other reproduced contributions belong to their respective authors.  To be
freely distributed through Usenet or any other associated networks on the
provision it remains unaltered by sentient beings and is not used to promote a
commercial service.

Significant contributions from...

 {cjb} - Chris Baird (c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au)
  {mb} - Mark Bendiksen (cb366@cleveland.freenet.edu)
  {rc} - Ron Carter (rcarter@nyx.cs.du.edu)
  {jc} - James Chokey (jchokey@leland.stanford.edu)
  {pd} - Peter Dougherty (peter.dougherty@canrem.com)
       - Alan Echenberg (aechenbe@alfred.ccs.carleton.ca)
 {rlg} - Raymond L. Gilbert (pi@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu)
  {dh} - Dave Hall (dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca)
 {chc} - Calvin Henry-Cotnam (cal@ee.ryerson.ca)
       - (ST702459@brownvm.brown.edu)
  {jm} - Jason Miller (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)
 {elm} - Ethan Miller (elm@cs.berkeley.edu)
  {jf} - (joelfire@elaine4.stanford.edu)
       - Alan J. Rosenthal (flaps@dgp.toronto.edu)
 {map} - Michael A. Parisi (santafe@watnxt09.ucr.edu)
       - (scottsc@polari.online.com)
       - Scott Simpson (simpson@bnr.ca)
 {syr} - (syracurg@lp.musc.edu)
 {hot} - Henry O. Tirado (hot@cbnewsb.cb.att.com)
  {kw} - Karl Wagenfuehr (wagenfuh@huey.udel.edu)
 {bw2} - Bucky Waley (bw462@cleveland.freenet.edu)
       - James Willer (jwlr@okeeffe.cc.rochester.edu)

==============================================================================