Organization: Argus Consulting, Tucson, AZ
X-Mailer: Mail User's Shell (7.2.4 2/2/92)
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.catholic
Date:         Wed, 30 Dec 1992 12:15:28 -0700
From:         "Gordon C. Zaft" <zaft@CARITAS.COTDAZR.ORG>
Subject:      Re: Forwarded mail

On Dec 29,  9:49am, "John W. Woolley" wrote:
} Subject: Forwarded mail, and comments
} I'm posting this for someone who can't (yet) post directly; she asked
} that I forward it to the group, and not include her address.
}
} ***********************************
}
} I've listened to Marty et al discuss the marriage laws and I've listened
} with interest to the problems of getting a single parent's child baptized.
} Why is the compassion shown for an infant "bastard" and her young parents
} not shown for divorcees?  Forgive me if my anger/pain/bewilderment/sense of
} betrayal shows, but that's the point of this posting.

        The situations are really not comparable, Colleen.  Believe me
when I say that I found your letter indeed a cry of pain, and your
story made me sad.
}
} I have frequently said over the last five years that I would have been
} better off killing my ex (not that he deserved it -- he's a good man).  I
} then could have gone to confession, said a sincere Act of Contrition, and
} remained in the Catholic body of Christ.  As it is, I survived four years
} of attending mass and not taking communion.  The pain didn't diminish-- it
} built.  I could take the self-righteous comments from the laity and
} occasional dolt of a priest ("Didn't you try to save your marriage?" has
} got to rank as one of the stupidest questions of all time), but the
} repeated pain of being denied communion became a conditioned response.
} After a couple years, I couldn't enter a Catholic church without feeling
} pain.  Worshipping God is not supposed to hurt, guys.  (I notice only one
} woman currently posting -- interesting.)  Even though I reamined an active
} parishioner, helping to run the catechism office, raising my son Catholic,
} and participating in adult ed, I felt more and more like a pariah.
} Confession wasn't possible; I did not, do not, and never will regret
} divorcing my ex.  What's more, after years of prayer and meditation prior
} to the act, I am convinced that God understood, forgave, and, I think, even
} condoned.

        A couple of questions/comments.  As was said elsewhere, divorce
does not of itself excommunicate you.  Being divorced does not exclude
you from the Sacrament.  If that is the only reason you were denied the
Sacrament (or denied it to yourself, it's not clear which is the case)
then by all means go back!  If there are other reasons (i.e., if there
are sins) keeping you from receiving then you would need to confess them
to receive.

        A couple of side comments.... worshipping God doesn't hurt if
you are in a state of grace.  If you aren't, it most certainly DOES
hurt!  As well it should; whenever we separate ourselves from God and
then go to worship Him, how can we help but feel the pangs of that
separation?  Indeed it would be most unnatural if we didn't feel pain.

}
} Why is it that divorce is the one sin the Church has no forgiveness for?

        Divorce is not a sin, per se, but as you probably know the Church
does not feel it is possible to divide a (valid) marriage.
}
} I know, I'm rambling.  Sorry.  I just passed my first Christmas since
} leaving the Church.  With very great regret, I left New Year's Eve of last
} year.  I simply couldn't take the pain any longer.  The Anglican communion
} is the true sacrament and they don't mind ministering to sinners.  But I
} still, and always will, miss the Church.  For the record, some of the
} people who love the Church the most can be found kneeling next to me on
} Sundays.

        I'm sure they do.  But the Roman Church does minister to sinners
all the time.  I know, I'm a sinner.
}
} I guess what I'm asking is, DOES ANYBODY CARE??? The church that I was
} taught was supposed to minister to me in my time of need turned her back so
} fast, you would have thought I was an AIDs victim.  I take that back -- the
} Church has been a leader in compassion towards the AIDs victims.

        Of course we care!  Many parishes have outreach ministries to
the divorced and widowed... perhaps a parish near you does?
}
} Yes, I caused part of the problem myself.  I refuse to go through the
} hypocracy of an annulment.  That marriage lasted 18 years, produced two
} fine children, and was a real marriage in every sense.  I won't pretent to
} a lie otherwise.  I also won't spend the rest of my life paying for a sin
} God has forgiven even if man can't.  I like men, I date, and I someday hope
} to remarry.  I won't cut myself off from half the human race and feel
} myself shriveling inside as I become more and more isolated.  Such self
} destruction is against my understanding of God's will for me.  I know in my
} heart that God wants me to recover and rebuild my life.  I also know that
} the majority of divorced Catholics do as my ex and his wife do -- "fake
} it". No one knows and no one (intentionally?) asks if they are married in
} the eyes of the Church.  I don't judge them their solution to the problem,
} and it is a VERY common solution, but years of 12 Step programs have taught
} me that I can't avail myself of that kind of dishonesty.

        An annulment is not dishonest.  Ask anyone who's been denied one!
It doesn't happen that often, usually because people without a reasonably
good case are discouraged from trying.  As the son of a divorced Catholic
woman, I can understand somewhat of where you are coming from.  God does
indeed want you to recover and rebuild your life.  Denying yourself the
possibility of an annulment if you have a legitimate case for one (which
of course we don't know) is not noble, not brave -- it is foolish.  Foolish
because you are causing yourself unnecessary pain.  Sorry to sound so
strong, but Colleen, don't make things worse for yourself!

        As for your ex's behavior -- I personally do not go around
inquiring into the state of others' marriages.  Why?  Because it is
none of my business!  It really doesn't make any difference to me; the
only one it makes a difference to is God and He isn't fooled.

        Being divorced need not lead to isolation.  There is more to
life than marriage!  As a single man I can attest to that.  Loving
God and one's neighbor is not dependent on one's state and all are
called to it.

        I feel obliged to point out (though I think you know it already)
that if you attempt to marry again you WILL cut yourself off from the
Sacrament.  I know when I've thought about this situation (only hypo-
thetical, for me) it was a question of 'who do I love more?' (or should
that be 'whom'?  I'm really bad on that...)  If it's a question of
the Sacrament vs. a human, well, the Sacrament wins every time.  I'm
sure if you thought about it in those terms you would agree; I think
you probably just feel the situation is unjust.  I don't have an
answer for that.
}
} I found my spiritual solution in talking to a divorced Episcopalian priest.
} Maybe his warmth was one of empathy -- he certainly had to deal with the
} same theological questions I was struggling with.  It's interesting to note
} that he, and indirectly I, owe the answer to a Luther minister/friend of
} his.  The answer is simple: Christ came to forgive sins.  IF the failure of
} one's marriage is a result of sin (another discussion, another time),
} Christ's forgiveness is there for the asking.

        Very true.
}
} Marty, your dissertation of the marriage laws was eloquent, but is there a
} possibility (sorry--I'm being facetious) that the law has grown to stand in
} the way of love?

        It's Christ's law, not the Church's.
}
} One last request:  JJ, hold your comments for now, please?  I heard from
} all the law-and-order people I wanted to hear from before deciding to
} leave.  I know the law, I know the price I have to pay and I knew it before
} asking for the divorce.  Just don't rub salt in the wounds, okay?

        Actually, I imagine that you didn't need to aim that at JJ but more
at myself.  Colleen, if I've caused you hurt in what I've said, I'm sorry.
But sometimes it helps to have an outsider look at one's situation.  I
will keep you in my prayers.

GZ



--
* Gordon Zaft     Argus Consulting  4500 E. Sunrise #N-6, Tucson, AZ 85718
* zaft@caritas.cotdazr.org | noao.edu!coyote!caritas!zaft
                 Semper fidelis Christi et Vicarii sui.
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