From: nelson_p@apollo.hp.com (Peter Nelson)
Subject: Re: Mother In Laws
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 18:53:51 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Corporation, Chelmsford, MA

In article <1992Dec15.165803.3576@orlith.bates.edu> mperron@abacus.bates.edu (Michael Perron) writes:
>
>	Why is there such a problem between wives and mother in laws.
>This is certainly a prevalent problem in todays and yesterdays society, or so
>it seems.  I certainly have this problem and I am hoping to get some help
>by posting to this newsgroup.  

  You haven't established your premise!

  What makes you think there is some unique problem with mothers-in-law?

  For what it's worth, my wife and my mother get along famously; they
  were fast friends from the minute they met.  (ditto, incidentally 
  between my mom-in-law and I -- one reason I decided to marry my wife
  was the old "see if you like her mother because that's how your wife
  will be in x0 years" and I love my mother-in-law; I thinks she's 
  wonderful.

  Also my sister gets along great with her mom-in-law, they live about
  10 minutes apart and they do stuff together and have a wonderful time.   

  I think the mother-in-law problem is a stereotype.  Obviously, in 
  such a large sample-size (every marriage has two, if they're living)
  there will be examples ranging over the whole spectrum from enemies
  to close friends.   I think what happens is that people are sensitive
  to the stereotype so when they see an instance of it they add it to 
  their database, and when they see one that doesn't fit they ignore it.
  Y'know like ethnic stereotypes:  people who think that Jews, for
  instance, are avaricious and greedy, will remember the avaricious 
  and greedy Jews they've met and discount the counter-examples.

  Personally I think *in general* that the odds favor a successful 
  relationship with the in-laws.  People *in general* tend to have 
  many of the same traits as their parents.  Therefore one's spouse
  will have an above-random-chance number of things in common with
  one's in-laws.   Since presumably one marries one's spouse because
  one enjoys their personality, interests, values, or other traits, one
  is likely to enjoy the in-laws on the same basis.


>	It makes it awful hard for a (husband) especially with kids,  to
>lead a normal life when the two women are always fighting.  

  I don't have any solutions except to treat it like any other relation-
  ship problem and talk it out, deal with the issues, compromise.  
  Accentuate the positive: you are your mother's son, you must have 
  some things in common with her.  Your wife married you because she
  likes who you are, and some of these must be traits you have in 
  common with your mother.  Maybe you can use these to find a bonding
  factor between your wife and mother. 

>	Any contributions thoughts or comments would be appreciated...
>immensely, greatly, truly. My apologies if this is not the proper group
>for such topic.

  What are the issues?   Is it a "turf" thing (who's house are we celebrating
  Thanksgiving/Christmas/Passover/<etc> at?   If so then as the one in the middle
  I suggest that *you* publically take the responsibility for making a decision
  -- better they be mad at you than each other.  Is it a debate over lifestyle/
  childrearing/<etc>?   If so you have to make it clear that you're adults now
  and are the final arbiters of such matters.

  Or is it an "attention" thing (your mother feels neglected)?  IMO, you
  *do* have an obligation to your parents ("honor thy father and mother"
  and all that) to write to them, visit them, include them, and I think
  many people in my generation don't do enough.  *But* parents have to
  "let go".   Does your mother have a life of her own -- career, hobbies, 
  activities, interests?   If not you may have to encourage her to develop
  one.   My mother, 77, for instance, is the president her (800 member)
  chapter of the AARP, and she's active in other volunteer, community,
  and legislative work besides.   My mother-in-law, 62, is a senior VP
  at her company.     Are you the youngest; is this an empty nest
  situation where your mother needs to "mother" someone so she tries
  to mother you and the sparks fly?    In that case you have to clearly
  establish your adulthood.   


---peter