From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Us Peoples)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Confused feeling about perp
Date: 24 Jan 93 20:35:15 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Lydia's post about her father calling her brought up some stuff for me that
I think I'd just like to ramble about here.

A lot of the difficulty I have in being angry at my mother and feeling like it
is okay that I have told her I don't want any sort of relationship with her
at this point, is because her abuse of me wasn't 'as bad' as some other 
stuff I have experienced and because I am very very very well aware of how
her parents abused her -- and that a lot of what she did to me was simply
passed on learned behavoir.  But her being a survivor does NOT excuse her from
being an abuser & definitely not in concern with me -- like I do not have to
forgive her for abusing me because she was abused by her parents.

And something my mom used to say all the time -- she used to get really
angry at those women who were abusive (there was one woman in our community
who put several of her lovers in the hospital with broken bones & she was
verbally abusive to EVERYONE a LOT) who were excused because they had had
'hard childhoods', like it was totally acceptable for them to do really awful
things & they couldn't be blamed for it, they were forgiven & the people 
who were MAD at them were the ones told to shut up -- because they had had
hard childhoods & my mom always said that wasn't an excuse to hurt people.
And, well, she said 'I had a hard childhood and I'm not abusive' and that is
now somewhat debatable -- but still -- I've been able to use that as a support
for me though, especially about keeping my anger & getting my own needs met
with my mother because SHE always said that and SHE always believed that so
there is no way she can try to use her being a survivor as a reason to make
me feel guilty about how I'm treating her.

We're not required to feel sympathy for the people who hurt us.  We are *NOT*
their support.  Yes I want my mom to get help on dealing with her own issues
as a survivor -- I know she was around some of them, in fact her doing that
when I was pre-teen and teenager is what made our relationship then a pretty
positive thing -- she dealt with a lot of stuff, adult child of alcoholics 
stuff -- but I don't think she has ever really deal with the sexual abuse
she went through.  And yes, I want my aunt, I want my whole entire family
to get help and support to deal with all the shit they have been living
through - but *I* am not the person to give that the support.

If someone has hurt me badly, then I think it is fair for me to look to them
for some kind of support, at least in having them follow my wishes on contact
with them and such.  But they do not and probably should not ask for support
from me -- others yes, but not me -- that could too easily just end up in
futher abuse of me.

I don't owe them anything.  I have to remind myself of that a lot, because
I don't believe it very often.  I don't own them ANYTHING!

The money thing is weird & hard.  I'm not in a situation really to get money
from the perps.  My mother owes me money and should eventually start paying it
back, but it won't be her supporting me, she hasn't done that for years,
it would be MY money that I LENT to her that she has to pay back -- and if 
I should ever get to the point of confronting my aunt & others -- they don't
have the money to give me -- the two aunts that I think abused me are the
two that live off of welfare and both have kids that need supporting -- so it
isn't really an option.  I don't know what I'd think of it if it was.  Would
be hard to get away of the feeling of being responsible or feeling like you
owe somebody something because of that.  yuck.  I feel responsible enough
for my family as it is.

us peoples



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