From: woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: poly-wired?
Date: 16 Aug 92 08:14:53 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia

webber@world.std.com (Robert D Webber) writes:
>zen@death.corp.sun.com (d) writes:
>>woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse) writes:
>>>   *Even if* I wasn't Poly for myself, I can't reconcile loving someone
>>>with not encouraging and supporting them to be Poly themselves. I mean,
>>>when I say I love someone, I'm saying (among other things) that I want to
>>>increase all good & happy things in their lives, and that means (among
>>>other things) helping & encouraging them to have as many other loves as
>>>they want.
>>
>>  So even if they don't want to be poly, you'd want them to be anyway?

   I suppose I can see how my statements could be taken that way, but really,
the whole point of my style of polyamory (lest people think I'm claiming I
have an exclusive handle on what it is to be Poly) is that it's about
freedom, and choice, and growth. Relationships, I think, should *increase*
the opportunities and experiences of one's life, not close doors in one's
face.

>Personally, I wish they could all be California girls, but other
>than helping them to opportunities I'm not planning to do anything
>about it...  I think the operative worlds in Joe's statement were
>"want," "helping," and "encouraging."  My best guess is that what
>he really _wants_ is for them to have enough choices so that they
>can all be free and happy.

   Yah. Thanks, Bob.

   For a while, my partner at the time of my coming out as Poly didn't
seem all that interested in other relationships. I felt quite obscurely
guilty that *I* was "running around", while they sat at home watching TV
or something. They had to reassure me many times that truly they didn't
mind. 8->

   Of course, these days they're almost as prolific with their partners
as I am, and sometimes more so. But that's neither here nor there. 8->


>>This sounds like all too many christians (not all, not all, hold the
>>flames :-)) I've run into -- they *know* the answer to life, it's not
>>what I think it is, and they're going to try to make sure that I get a
>>good chance to be blinded by their light as well.  Why don't you just
>>encourage them to be happy and make their own choices and life, rather
>>than what *you* deem is best for them?  I may believe that poly is for
>>me, but I don't think that it then becomes what is "good & happy" for
>>everyone.

   I said in another post that monogamy via informed consent is fine by
me. But I don't feel the consent is often informed without a good
discussion of the issues. Most people don't discuss it.

   But even if I thought I *did* have The One True Answer, it sort of
defeats the purpose of a path to freedom and integrity and self-reliance
if I've got to push and shove people along it. Hell, it's more often than
not the monogamous sorts who give me the lectures and sermons. Even when
I point out that everyone involved in the situation *does* fully and
informedly consent, and are really quite happy about it all, they still
(generally) won't concede that It Might Not Actually Be Such A Bad Thing.


>Do you have a problem with christians saying, "I am incredibly happy
>and fulfilled since I saw the light; if you have any desire to explore
>christianity I'd be more than happy to help and support you in your
>explorations."

   Well, I've never had one be that polite about it. 8->

>I think I've tried what I think Joe is saying, and it
>came down to helping and encouraging a lover to be involved with
>another so that she would know that option was open to her.

   Close enough. I think love is great. I think being in love is great.
I don't want to be a reason for a love of mine *not* to feel these things
with other people. I'd like to think I've helped them along the way to
loving and being in love with others.

   One of the warmest moments of my life was looking down at my bed, and
seeing my sweetie and *their* sweetie asleep with their arms around each
other, and knowing that they met each other through me. They were like
those photos you see in shops where some kittens are all tangled up in
each other. 8->

Joe.

  / Joe Woodhouse        / I'm just a sweet bisexual...   / Hello, there.
 / Latrobe University   /    (think - Rocky Horror)      / Threesomes are fun.
/ Melbourne, Australia / Music. Magic. Mathematics. Me. / I like cats! (miaow!)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory