HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Sunday Nite Ramblings
Date: 20 Jul 92 03:22:33 GMT

well, here it is, Sunday Nite- my WORST time of the week.period.
with a few thoughts (Ramblings)

q? does anyone else have a certain time that gives you problems? (ie
lack of sleep/inablity to sleep/fear/etc...?)
for me, sunday nite as a kid, was realizing that I was going to have to 'live
the lie' of the week (pretending everything was ok, that I lived with a real
"familly"....) then, after the hospital, Monday was therapy day, so Sunday nite
the nightmares would happen, ALOT, except the horrifying thing was, with all the
memory work that I was doing, SOME of the nightmares weren't dreams. they were
real, NO escape.....I could wake up, but I would know...blech...
Now, Sunday night is when I reaalize all that I didn't get done on the weekend...
And work sucks right now, not enough to do, I am on the bosses **** list right now-
(and I obsess horribly about it!), put it this way, last night, I dreamed/drempt
that I killed the vice pres of the company (she is this truly EVIL woman, oh,
and I fell asleep in the breakroom, so now I am on HER **** list too...(I HATE
feeling like I am being watched at work....sheesh!)
(warned you I would ramble)

^l spoiler (after writing this it got kinda graphic....)

also, did anyone ever feel like, at night- that when your parents/abusers went to
bed, that you were the ONLY ONLY ONLY person alive on the planet? and that was
the most horrible feeling....being Sooo alone.....(my 'mother' once heard me
crying softly, and came in my room (she took the door off) and LAUGHED and me
and called me a pathetic baby (I was 11-12-13? at the time...) made faces
at me....called me a pussy....god I hated late night...sitting alone, hurting
(sometimes on my 'back side' after my step-father would rape me...(or whoever-
she had quite a few 'boy friends' too...knowing that if you made a sound, it
could and Would get worse...also having to be still (they took off my door
and put some of the bamboo bead things up there, so they would stand and watch
me....it was like a cell....)sometimes my stepfather would stand and masturbate
and watch me, or play with himself...gad, I hope he's dead now....

Ted...and friends....
From: conley@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: odd question
Date: 25 Jul 92 15:37:22 CDT
Organization: University of Kansas Academic Computing Services

In article <P21DoB2w164w@penn.Gwinnett.COM>, tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney) writes:
> here's one for my fellow "people people" (as my young alter calls MPD)
> 
> recently had a 'flame' on another system, on another echo far away....
> 
> someone got pissed at me, and has accused not ME specifically but someone in my
> town (not hard to decipher as there are only a few from my town on this
> echo/area) of being/having MPD.....whew. damn. crap. phooey.

Someone is trying to provoke a reaction from you, so that they can then try
to inflict ( emotional ) pain. I think most people learn it from their peers
in early school years, I vividly remember the episodes on the playground when
kids would call another sissy or whimpy or whatever.
 
> not sure how to handle it...deny it? nope, its true....I wish there was not this
> stigma attached to this disorder (wish folks would focus on the ABUSE! and ways
> to stopping it!).....I think of it as a side effect of something HORRIBLE, in-
> stead the media has warped it to make folks thing we are something to be feared
> (the ABUSERS need to be feared! (and dealt with)

Sadly, society has long made the association MPD = crazy. It's slowly changing,
but every MPD person with whom I am acquinted has run into this among the
public, police and sometimes the "mental health" profession.

> should I just let this lie? am I being paranoid? this person seems the type of
> scum to keep at it (e-mail folks I am talking to etc...) oh, yes, I HAVE sent a
> msg to the moderator too....

No, you're not over reacting. I found long ago that the best way to deal with
people who pull this is to _not_ react. They are looking for that reaction from
you as feedback that their words are succeeding in hurting/scaring/disrupting
you inside. Deny them that reaction, and after a while they'll stop.

-- 
|Dennis R. Conley, Computer Science Dept., University of Kansas (913)864-7372|
|conley@hawk.cs.ukans.edu			    conley@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu|
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: jdiamond@netcom.com (Joan M. Diamond)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,alt.support,soc.women
Subject: Re: Loss and how to adjust/Joan's son
Date: 24 Jul 92 20:54:24 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

In article <1992Jul23.224504.21017@uc.msc.edu> eab@uh.msc.edu (Edward Bertsch) writes:
>not to play down the feeling bad/how to get over it aspect of this and
>the other poster's story, but Joan, what ever happened to the guy
>who killed your son?
>
>Personally (even though I don't have any children) I would have definately

It's funny, but I seem to be the only person who never really cared much
about this guy's punishment.  Maybe I was too busy with my sense of loss.
Anyway, since there might be general interest:

The man who killed my son plea bargained (with my approval) for 11
years for involuntary manslaughter.  The case for murder (we'd have to
prove that he knew that Nicholas could be seriously injured or could die
while the guy was beating him.  This is something I wasn't convinced
of, how could we convince a jury) would be hard to prove.  Otherwise,
an involuntary manslaughter conviction carries 3 to 5 years, with parole 
as early as 18 months (or time served by the time the trial was over).

He could get out as early as October of this year if he was well behaved in
prison.

>found this guy and messed him up.  Prison is too good for people who do
>things like what happened to your son. 
>
He has to live with what he did for the rest of his life.  I can't think
of a greater justice than that.  He was messed up, an abused kid, he
believed that he was a good person, administering discipline.  He didn't
realize how easy it is to go too far.  He lost his temper and I lost my
child.  If anything, I feel pity.

I can't afford to feel hatred.  It is a cancer that kills the love inside
of us all.  I don't want my son's memory to be tainted with anger or
hatred.  It is too sacred to me.

Joan
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Hello!
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1992 00:16:00 GMT

I have  just  become  aware  of  this newsgroup forum and support
group.  I am a male survivor of child sexual abuse who just began
recovering memories of the abuse 6 weeks ago.  Fortunately I have
a good counsellor and have been attending support group sessions with
a half dozen other male survivors.    It has been very useful and
extremely helpful in my case, at last,  to  have  a SAFE PLACE to
talk.

That is all I will say for now  as  I am a little tentative about
my  posting  as  yet  although I am going through  the  anonymous
protocol.

Thanks for letting me introduce myself.

"Kristian"



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Thanks Karla
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 16:21:09 GMT

anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian) writes:

>Yes, he is my lover and I have opened up communication a little with 
>him, i.e. he says he is alright if I need to talk about anything (he 
>says he will be comfortable with anything I feel I need to tell him).  
>In fact I have taken him at his word and risked talking about some 
>things and have even allowed myself to cry in front of him about a 
>couple of issues.  These times have been O.K.   Maybe it is just part 
>of the stage I am at -- not wanting to burden him with knowledge or 
>problems which in fact I am handling alright by myself.  I am aware, 
>too, that there is probably a lurking element of "having to be 
>perfect" in order to "deserve love" which makes me reticent.

>I have found his lack of curiosity a little strange (see also my 
>experience below) but have pursued the question
>and satisfied myself that it is not lack of caring.  

i suspect that he is really more curious than he lets on.  he is probably shy
of bringing up a topic which would be painful for you to discuss.  he is
probably reining in his curiosity, figuring that when you are ready to tell him
about it, you will.  his curiosity will just have to wait till then.  at least,
this is what would be running through my head if i were him.

-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Thanks Karla
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 21:33:30 GMT

bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan) writes:

: >I actually read _ALLIES IN HEALING_ myself recently to get a 
: >perspective on how someone else (a lover, a partner) might be viewing 
: >me, a survivor.  I found it very helpful:  gentle but to the point.
: 
: yeah, it is a good book...
: It takes a very special person to be a partner to a survivor.
: But they are out there...  And we all deserve to find one (at
: least).

Being a partner to a survivor is one of the hardest jobs in the known
universe :)

I have walked down the road a ways with a few survivors.  It's like
walking a tightrope - you have to be very perceptive, very alert, very
understanding, and very empathic.  You have to be all of these things--
say/think/feel/do the right things at the right times.  Your timing
has to be precise.  You have to know when to care and when not to.
When to love and when not to.  When to hold, and when not to.  When
to listen and respond to the cries for help inherent in "leave me alone" --
and when to just leave the survivor alone.  You have to be more than a
little bit psychic (and being telepathic helps, too!).  Knowing that at
any moment a wrong look, a wrong touch, a wrong word could trigger
your partner to dump you - perhaps forever.

I don't think survivors understand how tough the job is, being their
partner.  All they can see is the abuse - they can't see how their reactions
to that abuse hurts those who love them.  I dated a woman two years ago
who had been severely molested by her uncle - abuse that had lasted for
years.  I was kind, gentle, caring, compassionate - those very qualities
in me triggered her to push me away.  Why?  Simple - my kindness, etc.
were the same traits her abuser displayed in order to get her to trust
him enough for him to "do his thing" to her.  Hence, my theory that most
abused women get into abusive relationships because the "nice guys" show
the same traits (outwardly) that their initial abusers did, and so the
survivor avoids them.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/269-8125
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: bear@tigger.cs.Colorado.EDU (Bear Giles)
Subject: Re: Looking
Organization: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 23:59:59 GMT

In article <BruL26.6L2@twwells.com> anon-1130@twwells.com (starfish) writes:
>
>I am looking for some assistance. I want to find a 12 step program, in the
>SF Bay Area for sexual abuse survivors. I have no idea how to go about finding 
>one. Ideas? 

Are you sure a _12-step program_ is what you want?

They arguably have success with addictions (although I know people
who believe most 12-step programs swap one addiction for another,
Praise The Lord, including John Bradshaw), but the changes needed 
for overcoming sexual abuse are almost diametrically opposed to
those required for overcoming addictions.

An addictive person needs help "reining" him/herself in; a sexually
abused person frequently needs help learning to express his/her needs,
to take risks, etc.


Bear Giles
bear@fsl.noaa.gov
(p.s., don't be surprised if e-mail bounces, extensive rework of our
computers and networks is occuring).
From: Susan R Pence <srpence@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
Subject: Re: Hello, another first post  (anon-1154 "Chris")
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 22:42:10 GMT

Chris,
    Welcome. Yes, as someone told me when I started posting here a while back
(under the very appropriate anon-name of "scared") it does get better. Can't
tell you exactly when or how, but it does get better. I can now agree with
that as I've made some progress down the road. 
    I'm going through a rough time in my healing (hurdling some big fears)
right now, but somehow I didn't heed your spoiler warning and it was okay. I
think you're doing one of the best things for yourself that you can, you're
talking about it. THAT"S IMPORTANT and takes a lot of courage.
    I've just recently, for the first time, shared specifically about one of
my incidents of being sexually abused. It was extremely hard to do. I am
impressed with your courage and perspective on this. I can't yet get all the
blame and anger and guilt aimed outward yet.
    Keep posting Chris, your kind of courage and perspective helps to remind me
that this is/was not acceptable behavior. Your statement about how abuse
ignores the victim's humanity reminded me of what my counselor referred to as 
taking all the air out of someone and leaving them flat. No hope, no fight, no 
self-worth. It sounds like you've learned to fight back, friend, keep it up!

Thanks for posting so openly. It helps others of us so much.

                                           Susan
From: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: re: loss and how to adjust
Date: 23 Jul 92 22:10:25 GMT
Article-I.D.: mentor.54936
Reply-To: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)
Distribution: usa

Don,

I e-mailed you privately and then saw your little note that said you couldn't
receive e-mail.  Overlook this if you've already seen it.

I'm sory to hear about the loss you experienced.  I hope you will be able to
forgive yourself.  No one is a perfect driver, and this could have happened to
anyone.  Also, losses take time to heal--sometimes years--and the pain never
really goes away.  This all is normal.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things--therapy, groups, talking.  Hope
they work for you eventually.

I can recommend two books:

_Life is Goodbye, Life is Hello_ by Alla Renee Bozarth

_How to Survive the Loss of a Love_  by Melba Colgrove (and others)

I wish you healing.  here's a hug if you wish.

Lisa
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1161@twwells.com (Kendra)
Subject: first post
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1992 10:42:44 GMT

Don't quite know what to say.  Have been reading ASAR for a while, but am
very behind, haven't been able to keep up this week.  Brief intro maybe?

I'm female, in my early twenties, bisexual.  I was emotionally & sexually abused
by my mother (also emotionally neglected & she failed to protect me or even 
notice the other sexual abuse by other people)  Sexually abused by one aunt,
one stranger, possible more relatives, a housemates and/or a neighbor, all
during pre-teen or earlier years.  One so called 'friend' sexually assulted me
in high school.

I first acknowledged that I was abused less than a year ago, but it seems that
my whole life revolved around the abuse (INCEST, I'm still learning to say that
word, incest) since then.  I don't have many clear memories of it, except for
of my mom & that was mostly somewhat borderline 'activities' that I have always
remembered but didn't think of as abuse.  I've been getting pretty hazy body
memories and such about my aunt & some other person who must be male, but I
don't know who from when I was 3-8 (not sure about the ages, I just know that we
were living in this one apartment & that's how old I was when we lived there)

I'm feeling what you could call a lack of supportive people to talk to currently
feeling very isolated & so I decided to go ahead and send in my first post to
asar.  I don't know if that was okay or not.

                                                    --Kendra



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: Re: Thanks Karla
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 22:08:43 GMT

anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian) writes:

>I have found his lack of curiosity a little strange (see also my 
>experience below) but have pursued the question
>and satisfied myself that it is not lack of caring.  

cloister@u.washington.edu responds:
:i suspect that he is really more curious than he lets on.  he is probably shy
:of bringing up a topic which would be painful for you to discuss.  he is
:probably reining in his curiosity, figuring that when you are ready to tell him
:about it, you will.  his curiosity will just have to wait till then.  at least,
:this is what would be running through my head if i were him.

This was and continues to be my response towards SA.  I am afraid she will 
interpret my curiosity/interest as prying not as caring.  Part of this I am 
sure comes from my tendency to not want others trying to "pull" information
out of me I'm not ready to share.
	I too would encourage you to share your story with him.  In my healing
it has been absolutely imperative to have someone who I am very close to to
share my whole story, every stingking little detail.  Over & over & over
again.  It took me about a year & has taken SA a little longer.  strangley in
our case the length of time doesn't seem to correlate with teh level of abuse.
I think it must have more to do with how long it takes us to convince ourselves
the shame is not ours & we have no shame over what happened.
	From my perspective as a partner of a survivor it is important to me
for SA to share what she is going thru as it gives me clues as to what I can
do in terms of support.  It alos helps me to differentiate between anger and
rage and sadness and fear that she displays & whether it is as a result of my
actions or whether it is something that was triggered from her childhood.

Good luck & welcome :)

Fare-Well
m&m



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: paranoia?
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1992 14:06:26 GMT

In article <91TJoB1w164w@penn.Gwinnett.COM> tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney) writes:
>question (no wierd ramblings this time I promise)
>
>Do any rit-abuse survivors out there suffer paranoia?

I think the meaning of "paranoia" (at least in American English) has drifted
to mean "unjustified fear", rather than a clinical state. (It can also mean
"fear which is not to be taken seriously" as in "I may just be paranoid, 
but.....". I think that "unjustified fear" is probably what the people
you've run into mean, but possibly you should ask them.) 

(Just as a side-track, I suspect that referring to fear as paranoia and
sadness as depression are distancing devices which are generally a bad
idea.) 

>I have several folks lately tell me "Oh, your just being paranoid"....
>is it an 'ism' for survivors? (gee, am I being paranoid about being paranoid?
>(smile))

So far as I know, I've never had to endure ritual abuse, but anyone who'd
been through something like that would tend to be suspicious simply 
because it had been kept hidden from most of the world. 

As for your particular case, I don't know what you've been saying that
has led to people saying that you're paranoid. You might be factually
correct and you might not. Check for evidence if it's something important
to you. Ask the people who call you paranoid why they think so. (If they
just seem to have a habit of denigrating inconvenient ideas and emotions,
you might consider not talking to them about things that are important
to you.) 

>just thought I would check out others observations, etc..
>anyone know of any books to recommend?

                                 Hope this helps,
                                 Nancy
From: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: uprooting a life
Date: 25 Jul 92 21:30:26 GMT
Reply-To: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)

This will be brief as the lab is closing soon.

I'm in the process of weeding out stuff, packing, and saying good-byes.  I
leave 8 days from now.

Sometimes I feel at peace, sometimes I hurt.

It's good to decide what to take and what to keep.

I had some conversartions with my therapist, our grad director, and a student
group adviser and I really spoke my mind tactfully and feel good about it.  I'm
glad that my presence at Purdue challenged some people; at least some good did
come out of the illness (some did for me as well).

Has anyone ever been told by a therapist that he/she was angry at you?  Mine
did this week; it was unsettling.

Well, that's all for now.  I'll post later.

Lisa
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Subject: Re: magazines..
Reply-To: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 92 03:46:27 GMT


In a previous article, tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney) says:

>bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan) writes:
>
>> Anyone know of any "recovery" magazines around, and where I
>> can subscribe to them?  I know there are a few around,
>> but I forget what they are, and don't have addresses or
>> anything.
>> Thanks,
>
>well, there is Changes, the magazine for adult children of alchoholics,

I got the address of this one...

>there is its sister publication- Focus, for addictive families/in recovery

could you send me order information on this one?

>there is Psychology Today- generic psyche magazine, there is the magazine for
>MPD's (I just forgot the name), there is the Journal of Psychistory, threre is
>Psychological Perspectives, VOICES in Action has its newsletter "The Chorus"...

could you send me the order info for "The Chorus" ?
And Psychology today if you have it on hand... otherwise I am
sure that one should be pretty easy to locate...

Thanks for the info!

>
>let me know if you need subscription info....
>Ted
>



-Karla
-- 
|alwan573@pirates.armstrong.edu   <=== USE THIS ONE!          
|Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
|ng548@dsom_op.pnl.gov                       |
|bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery