From: sallyb@qiclab.scn.rain.com (Sally Bowley)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: The Anonymous Service: This Waiter Has A Fake Accent
Date: 17 Aug 92 07:51:30 GMT
Organization: SCN Research/Qic Laboratories of Tigard, Oregon.

In article <14AUG92.14067915.0031@UNBVM1.CSD.UNB.CA> Z57N000 <Z57N@UNB.CA> writes:
>I tried to come forward in a public forum, and it backfired.
>
>I tried to make a report to the police a long time ago, and I wasn't
>taken seriously (because i didn't run screaming out of the room
>afterwards, said the female officer).
>
>I tried not to use names, but I didn't want anyone to be victimized any
>longer.
>
>Anything I could say would be taken as manipulative.
>
>I'm sorry I caused all this fuss.
>
>I won't bother you any more.

this is *exactly* what i mean by you being manipulative. you suddenly
reappear in the group with some very heavy things to say, then when
somebody expresses a concern that they are uncomfortable with the
manner in which you are presenting your information, you adopt the
"i'm sorry. i was just..., i was only..., i'll go away" stance. how
can most people fail to respond favourably towards you when you say
things like the above? this very same thing happened a couple of times
before, when it seemed like you weren't getting the attention you felt
you wanted from us; i remember a couple of people asking you to
clarify what it was you expected us to do/give you. it seemed to
happen when we were involved in other things besides your issues -
you once said you felt we'd abandoned you - a couple of days before, i
had read 23 out of 31 posts pertaining to you. didn't seem like
abandonment to me, but on the day you said this i guess there weren't
as many posts for you. immediately the group was flooded with replies
to you - people actually apologized for making you feel abandoned....
you made people feel guilty. and so they stopped what they were
discussing and focused on you again. well i refuse to be made to feel
guilty by the above.

and i also want to state that i too, feel bad at what you have
experienced in the last few months. my decision to comment on your
posts, has no reflection on what happened to you, i'm merely concerend
with the way you're going about it. i do not want you to leave the
group; you are as welcome here as anyone, and if i can help your
recovery in any way i will do my utmost as much as i can
electronically. but i will not be drawn into channeling all of my
energies into helping you and pushing my own healing aside. i will not
be made to feel bad by you saying things like "i won't bother you any
more" with the intent that everyone beg you to stay. 

another poster - joan i think (apologies if i've got this wrong, my
server chewed up a load of stuff and i'm writing from memory)
expressed her opinion of the situation very well when she suggested
you start working on your recovery and move out of the victim role by
deciding whether your actions and reactions are positive or negative
in intent. if they are negative, then you will not break that
parasitic cycle of abuse you referred to. 

as far as reporting or not reporting - rape is a crime and a rapist
should be punished. we cannot punish the perpetrator in this group in
the way that a perp should be punished. as far as legal ramifications
go; you would have to go to court and identify the rapist, tell your
story. as far as not having the strength to do this; if reaching into
yourself and pulling out that extra reserve that we all have when we
fight for something that we know is right, means stopping this 
happening to someone else, then *find* that strength. i don't think
you can stop it happening by scaring people fron using the anon  
service, altho i understand your concern. and many anon posters don't
have the courage to go non anon. this is the only choice they have -
let's not take that away from them. you say anyone who di what was
done to you should not be in such a position of power in a group like
this. i agree - that person should be in jail. and you have the power
to put him there. 

this said, i wish you peace and safety in healing. 
sally