X-Envelope-to: politics@ohstvma.bitnet
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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Mon, 27 Jul 1992 00:08:00 EDT
From:         "push the button, frank!" <SWEDE@DRYCAS.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: on the lam

(Gary, having fought off the effects of the tranquilizers, holds another
press conference, this time to rebut the charges of NITE-LITE commentator
Brni regarding the JohnsoN/OlsoN campaign.)

"Before I begin, I should make it extremely clear that, despite Brni's
strongly implied statement, I have never, at any time, had an affair
with a sheep, unless he meant something else by "on the lamb".  Mrs.
Smith (whom you'll remember I also did not have an affair with) is the
one who is fond of wool.  Now, I'm going to play a videotape of NITE-LITE,
and reply to the charges as they are made..."

>        mr. olson here has made a grave mistake in openly declaring
>        his family's relation to certain alleged conspiratorial groups,
>        and also in threatening those who might follow him with
>        "illumination," the method with which the illuminati recruit
>        their members.

"What?  I made a perfectly innocent fnord comment, and he seems fnord
to think that I'm referring to some conspiratoral group known as
fnord fnord the Illuminati?  Hmmm...I wonder if he's referring to the
Bavarian Illuminati or the M00se Illuminati?  It could make a real
bl00pin' difference..."

>        the kilburN/stevensoN ticket would be well advised to submit
>        themselves to medical scrutiny, undergoing the CAT scan that
>        would demonstrate that they do NOT possess a third eye, and that
>        any opponant who does not follow suit should be assumed to
>        possess one.

"Surely he must know that CAT scans wouldn't detect a third eye.  Only
KAT scans can do that, and there's no sign that KAT is going to be
affiliated with the all-Kerry ticket anytime soon..."

>        here mr. olson has also erred, linking his birth with the death
>        of an american hero.  elvis presley is representative of america,
>        being fat, greedy, drug-ridden, and conservative.  by implicating
>        himself in the death of elvis, mr. olson not only alienates the
>        greater part of middle america, but also the space aliens with
>        whom elvis spent most of his later years.

"Yep, he's the anti-elvis, all right.  Unfortunately for him, since Elvis
'died', he's gone on a strict diet, regained his youth and rock n' roll
rebel spirit, and has caused algae to reform into a silhouette of his face.
Surely, Elvis is a powerful force to have on our side!"

>        it is clear that mr. olson has made some grave errors that may
>        cost the party dearly in the polls, dispite some of his more
>        clever moves, such as nominating jamie as drug czar.  it is unlikely
>        that the american people will be interested in a president who
>        is so demonstrably close to the illuminati, and this commentator
>        feels that this party's only chance of success is to nominate
>        johnson for president and olson for vice president, with the
>        assumption that the vice presidential position would be clearly
>        for decorative purposes, such as pie-eating contests and dodge-
>        ball ceremonies.

"Actually, I've always understood is as Tim running for Pres, and me for
Vice Pres.  Tim was rather put out after being a vice pres in rotisserie
league politics, so this is a step up for him.  And while I have to
relinquish the majority whip position, the chance to preside over vice is
something that I can't resist."

"That should do it for now.  I've got to keep going, however.  We're working
on some campaign ads, and there's this photo op next Tuesday at the National
Volleyball semifinals..."

(Gary gets into his Yugo, which contains all his campaign materials, plus half
a dozen secret service officers, to protect him from further tranquilizer
dart attacks, and speeds off down the highways and byways of America.  Tune
in tomorrow, same N time, same N channel...)

Gary W. Olson, who's an       "Turn the tables with our unity,    -L7,
 expert at vice, and thus is   they're not a moral nor majority.  "Pretend
 qualified to preside over it  Wake up and smell the coffee,       We're
SWEDE@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU   or just say no to individualty."    Dead"
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU