From: anon-1400@twwells.com (genesis)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To Silver Tiger and Captain.
Date: 22 Nov 92 17:11:38 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


	Giday Ya'll,
	Silver Tiger, you say that you're afraid of what may happen in a
relationship if it progresses to the point when sex is a real issue.  I think
that what you have to realize, like I have, is that by the time you reach that
stage, sex may not be as frightening as you think.  Perhaps this is simply
because you've been with your SO long enough to feel comfortable with him.
I know myself that the woman I'm interested in at this moment has told me she
would wait patiently until the time I do feel comfortable before we DO anything.
And she would "wait forever" if need be.  So feeling frightened about sex is
a natural response and no one should feel ashamed for having such feelings.
As long as your SO understands WHY you have these feelings and isn't pushing
for what you don't want to share then the relationship may be easier for you
to handle; especially if your SO allows you to make the decision about WHEN,
WHERE, and HOW 'making love' should take place.
	Captain, I'm sorry to hear that there always seems to be something
that goes wrong before/in the relationships you've started.  I don't think it
is so much that you do things wrong (believe me, I know!) but that, like you
say, you don't SEE things, whether it be about how someone feels or about
social things in general.  I was/am like that myself.  I always seem to do the
wrong thing, make inappropriate remarks, etc, so I have become a very quiet
person.  I'd feel very much to be left alone.
	Let me tell you what my SO and I feel on the subject of what we, at
least want out of a relationship.  We want companionship first, someone that
we can share our innermost thoughts and feelings with, someone who is there
when we need a shoulder to cry on or to share our happiest times with.  We
need trust, understanding, honesty, and openness.  We need to feel that being
with the other is more important than what we may be doing.  Of course, one
must have some degree of fun in the relationship, but often the togetherness
is 'fun' enough (walking in the rain may not be fun, but walking in the rain
with your SO can be :).  I don't believe sex is as important as alot of people
make it out to be, and my SO agrees.  I've known people that think that their
relationships would not have lasted if it wasn't for the fact that they had sex.
I think that is sad, and not the type of relationship most people would want.
	There may be more that people want in a relationship (is there?) but
I believe that the things I've mentioned in the above paragraph is what one
needs for the relationship to work.  In a relationship, for instance, you
shouldn't argue, you should discuss.  Don't crowd your SO, give him/her some
freedom (have his/her own friends, etc).  And make sure that you ask for
nothing that you wouldn't freely give back.  Think of that and alot of the
problems in a relationship would be solved.
	Well, I hope noone thinks this is a lecture.  I'm more or less express-
ing an opinion.  Thanks for listening, and happiness for all.

				--genesis



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