From: li@Data-IO.COM (Phyllis Rostykus)
Subject: Re: Definition of "monogamy"?
Organization: Data I/O Corporation
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1992 02:01:24 GMT

In article <JBrandt-231292124043@aaa.uoregon.edu> JBrandt@AAA.UOregon.EDU (Jason) writes:
>In article <1992Dec23.165649.5640@netcom.com>, aahz@netcom.com (Mean Green
>Dancing Machine) wrote:
>> 
>> We're having a nice little discussion (read "flamewar" ;-) in
>> alt.polyamory about the nature of monogamy.  I'd like to hear some
>> thoughts from people in this newsgroup about what it means to them.
>
>Jason ponders that question. "Well Pegasus (My wife in RL) and I have had
>an -exclusively- monogamous relationship the entire nine years plus we've
>been married, and for most of the four years we dated before that."

Liralen listens to Jason's answer and nods.  "Yup.  Same situation.  I've
been married for five years that've been exclusively monogamous.  For
the three years before that we were exclusively monogamous for two of
those years.  Hmmm..." she grins.  "Should have said, 'I was only non-
monogamous for a week.  Couldn't take any more than that.' John was
entirely monogamous all eight years.  He's entirely built that way, can't
be any other way.  And, yes, he knows about the week. 

"I'm like Jason in that I'm poly-inclined, but haven't followed those
inclinations partially because I know that John's entirely monogamous in
make up; partially because I promised when we got married; partially
because I am now deeply involved in pherisis donation and blood donation
so I'd be endangering others as well as myself if I ever had intercourse
with anyone; but I'm also finding that, presently, I'm more monogamously
inclined, the more I put into this rather singular relationship.

"There *is* no one I've ever met that fits me as well as John does.  No one
who shares as much in belief, who has shared as much history with me, no
one who has *ever* supported me the way that he does, day in and day out,
through my grumpy, depressed, and dark days as well as enjoying me in my
light days.  And he seems to feel the same way about me, if not even more
so because of his entirely monogamous makeup.

"For us monogamy has been 'No Intercourse with anyone else' and, as in the
marriage vows, putting the other as first in our lives before all others.
As in anyone that gets emotionally involved with me knows, first thing,
that John's my Number One and his needs come first.  That's all there is
to it.  Both John and I have deep friendships with folks who happen to be
of opposite sex.  I've done entirely sexless S/M play with others, mostly
because John has absolutely no desire for that kind of play.  I also fall
in love with people very easily, but that's not a problem with the two
strictures above.  I've built a lot of loving relationships with those two
understandings being something I try and communicate first thing.

"So, for us, monogamy doesn't mean that we withold love for others..."  she
quirks a grin and then in her breathless, little girl's voice sings:

		"Love is something if you give it away,
                                          give it away,
                                          give it away,
                 Love is something if you give it away,
                                you end up having more...

"I forget the rest of the lyrics, but there's stuff about it being a magic
penny, and if you lend it, spend it, then soon they'll be rolling all over
the floor.  And we do.  We find that loving others makes it easier to love
each other, to find more about each other to love, and others' love for us
makes our relationship even easier to support.  We know that we can't
provide *all* of each others needs, and with the others we know that the
other will get every need met and be happier for it.

"The sex thing is a hard-drawn line, now, with the pherisis donations, it's
something that's set in stone for me because of the safety factors
involved."  Then Liralen grins a touch wryly, "True to form, I am more
worried about the hard to others than to myself..."

"It's funny, in a way.  Elf!, who is probably the most notorious of
polyamorous people was the one who pointed out to me just how important it
was to me to *have* a monogamous relationship and showed me that I really
*needed* to put John above all else and work through any feelings that
John had in opposition to anything I might do with S/M.  Making my own
inner priorities totally clear.  It was the first time I realized that
while I'd thought I'd be happier in a polygamous situation, that I
*actually* was happier with a monogamous situation."  She shrugs, "It was
a bit of a surprise to me, but a pleasent one in many ways."

"So, while I'm monogamous, I also love a lot of people."

-- 
Phyllis Rostykus    | "... and how you feel can make it real  | - _US_
aka Liralen Li      | Real as anything you've seen            |   Peter
li@Data-IO.com      | Get a life with this dreamer's dream."  |   Gabriel