From: rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu (Robert L Pack)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Married With Children quotes
Date: 26 Jan 93 15:52:24 GMT
Article-I.D.: blue.2543
Organization: University of Pittsburgh

A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu )

I will post this regularly to Rec.humor and e-mail to people who ask





Songs
-----           
	"Al's Gardening Song"  
	---------------------
	   Old MacBundy had a farm
	   B-U-N-D-Y

	   And on this farm there was no wife
	   B-U-N-D-Y

	   And no wife here and no kids there
	   A hooker coming over on Friday night
	   Big bunch of hooters and a pizza and a beer there
	
	   Old MacBundy had a farm
	   B-U-N-D-Y
			-- from Niels Ole Jensen
			   u920533@daimi.aau.dk

	"At the Nudie bar"
	------------------
	   at the nudie bar
           where you can look at a thigh
           and blacken an eye
           at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           where they show you their butt
           and they keep their trap shut
           at the nudie bar
            
           at the nudie bar
           where you can't touch a breast 
           but you can cave in a chest,
           at the nudie bar
 
	   at the nudie bar
	   where the girlies dance
	   in their underpants
	   at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           Where the music stinks,
           and they water the drinks.
           The nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
           Where the beer gives you gas
           But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
           the nudie bar


	Al's " I Care " song
	--------------------
	   When hooters giggle around
	   and I find nickels on the ground
	   I care

	   When the Mustang engine purrs
	   and the bathroom's not hers
	   I care

	   When the pitcher's on the mound
	   and the wife is underground
	   I care.

	   But when I've been playing this for days
	   I'll kill anyone who stays
	   I swear!

	
	Bundy-the-no-Man <== aka Frosty the Snowman      I NEED THE REST!!
	----------------
	   Bundy the no man
	   Was as bald as he could be
	   With hair in his nose
	   And fungus on his toes
	   .
	   .
	   .


======================================================================
======================================================================

Quotes ( in no particular order )
------
 thanks to William Bader (wbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu) for corrections


Steve's going bald
------------------
	Steve: " Look at my head. Do you see something?
	Al:    " My reflection"

	Steve: " You're losing your hair, too"
	Al:    " You've seen my wife, my family, my life. It's a
		 miracle my hands haven't fallen off."

	Steve: " If we lose all our hair, our wives won't love us
		 anymore."
	Al:    " There you go."

	Marcie: " I'm worried about Steve. last night we had sex and he
		  wore a sombrero."
	Peg:    " The ribbed kind."

	Steve: " Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that, Al"


Al vs old High School Rival
---------------------------
	Al: " Sure, I had glory but you had pie. I haven't eaten in 19 years.
	      ...So excuse me if I don't cry for you, Argentina."


Al dreams of becomming a Private Eye
------------------------------------
	Al: " You can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes
	      during sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get
	      a second job."

	<Beautiful lady comes in>
	Al:     <thinking>" One look at her beautiful thighs and I knew that I
	        had to play this out 'til the bitter end or at least 'til I
	        saw some hooters."
	Lady: " I don't have much to offer. How does $100 sound?"
	Al:     <aloud>" I'll pay it."

	Al: " I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head or a bad
	      burrito in your belly."

	Lady: " They'll put me away for 20 years. Will you wait for me?"
	Al:   " What for, you'll be old."

	Peg: " I'll get some aspirin and we can sit hear and solve the case
	       of the wife who's not getting any."

	Al:    " Kids, Mom is she..."
	Bud:   " repulsed by you?"
	Kelly: " disappointed financially and sexually by you?"
	Al:    " No, I don't care about that. Is she pregnant?"
	Kids:  " No."
	Al:    " Marcie?"
	Kelly: <to Bud about Al>" Is he crazy?"
	Bud:   " He must be. He didn't ask about you."

	
Peg gets high school diploma
----------------------------
	<Kelly and peg are in same home ec classs>
	Kelly's freind: " Hey, Kelly, wanna vandalize the cemetary
			  tonight?"
	Kelly: <looking at Peg> " No, Lisa, that would be wrong."
			-- from Donald L.C. Blewett
			   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)
	

Steve and Marcie babysit Bud and Kelly
--------------------------------------
	<Bud holds up a bra>
	Bud: " Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhodes has a bigger bra
	       size than you."
			-- from  Darren Embry 
			   (dsembr01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu)


The Bundy's have a yard sale
----------------------------
	Al:  " Peg, why do you have a boar's head?"
	Peg: " The glassy eyes, the stuffing for brains, nothing below the
	       waist. Strap it to a toilet and it could be you."
	Al:  " Unlike me, someone cared enough for it to put a bullet
	       through its head."

	Marcie: " My mistake was looking for a man to love when all I need
		  is a man to hurt."
	Peg:    " Are you gonna have sex with him?
	Al:     " You heard her say she wanted to hurt him."

	Al:  " Have I told you not to marry?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad"
	Al:  " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad"
	Al:  " Well, I guess I told you everything I know."

	Al: " It could be like one of those Wanker ho-downs, where 
	      everyone gathers 'round the still and plays 'spin the cousin'"

	Peg: " You're looking at a whole new Peggy"
	Al:  " Yea, maybe this one won't find her way home"


Shoe Lights
-----------
	Bud: " The day that I stoop low enough to date a mannequin is the
	       day that I truly earn the name Bundy."

	Al: " Let's go back to yesterday. While taking out the trash, I fell
	      in the garbage. Normally, I just hang out there with my hopes
	      and dreams."

	Kelly: " Kelly, go outside and see it it's a burglar. Kelly, taste
		 this green meat and see if it's any good. Kelly, look stupid
	  	 and and wear shoe lights. It's no wonder I seek the warmth of
	 	 a stranger's arms."

	Bud:   " Thanks for the help, bleached blanket bimbo."
	Kelly: " They may call me 'bimbo' but at least they call me."



Camping trip
------------
	<Girls are having their periods. Marcie yells at Steve>
	Al:  " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like
	       the black widow, likes to mate first."

	Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at."



Bud starts a fraternity ( Alpha Gonna Get Em)
----------------------------------------------
	Al:        " No, I don't regret not going to college, because then
		     I might not have married you. And then what would have
		     become of me? I probably would've spent a meaningless
		     existence ordering pizza and hookers 'til I died 
		     with a slice of pizza in one hand and a greasy
		     hooter in the other."
	Jefferson: " You just described what it was like at my fraternity."
				-- from Donald Blewett 
				   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)

	Al: " Oh, why do we have to go out, Peg? It's bad enough that I
	      know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?"
				-- from Donald Blewett 
				   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)

	<The Bundys and Rhodes are deciding about a movie>
	Bud:   " It's my own special cologne. I call it 'A Touch of Bud.'"
	Kelly: " If anyone knows what 'A Touch of Bud' is, it must be you."

	<...Still deciding on a movie>
	Marcie: " Here's one. A story of a young Peruvian girl who gets a
		  bicycle."
	Al:     " Any hooters?"

	<...And they still can't decide>
	Al:    " Boobies, boobies, boobies..."
	<Kelly come in>
	Al:    " Oh, Hi, pumpkin."
	Kelly: " I haven't heard that since the one day my friend and I were
		 walking down the street and this old guy in a Dodge drove
		 by...Oh,Dad!!"

	<Kelly and Seven are playing Scrabble>
	Kelly: " Ha, double word score!"
	Seven: " NBC isn't a word."
	Kelly: " It's a word. It just isn't a network."


Softball game
-------------
	<Peg is hugging Sven>
	Al:  " Who's that with the backpack shaped like my wife?"
	Guy: " Your replacement."
	Al:  " Good, now I can concentrate on my softball."

	Al:  " You can't get rid of me. You need a unanimous vote. The best
	       you could get is 6 to 3."
	Guy: " 7 to 2"
	Al:  " Why, Peg?"


Kelly dates a 43 year old city official
---------------------------
	Kelly: " How come you don't believe I'm in love?"
	Al:    " Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. We don't believe
		 in love."

	Peg: " You're dating someone old enough to be my father."
	Al:  " She's not dating Lincoln."

	<Al's alone with Peg>
	Al: " White crosses, sunlight. Nothing works on you, does it?"


Al's dreams
-----------
	<Al's sitting on his bed between two babes>
	Al: " Rather than go into an explanation which could take a while, why
	      don't you two fight over me while I watch and take pictures. And
	      the winner can have me first...and third and fifth."


Peg's bra is discontinued
-------------------------
	Marcie: " What would men do if they had breasts?"
	Al:     " We wouldn't need women any more"
	Peg:    " If you had what other men had, I wouldn't need
		  batteries any more."
	
	<Al & Steve are shopping for bras. Saleslady thinks their gay>
	Steve: " We're married to women."
	Al:    " If I was gay, I'd think I could do better then you."
	Steve: " What does that mean?"
	Al:    " You just don't turn me on"

	<A lady in store asks Al if her bra and panties look nice>
	Lady: " Are you straight? Do you think my boyfriend will
	   	like this?"
	<Al shakes his head yes>
	Lady: " Or will he like it better without the bra?
	<She takes off the bra. Al gets the amazed look on his face
	 and passes out>


God's Shoes
-----------
	Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5.
	      I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she
	      paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging
	      me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse
	      and I was able to grease my thumb and escape."



Kelly joins Tap club / Al loses socks
-------------------------------------
	Al:  " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?"
	Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the
	       basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be 
	       taken to the airport."
	Al:  " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone
	       years ago."

	Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it."

	<music is playing>
	Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song."

	Al: " Remember the Bundy credo. When one of us is embarrassed, the
	      rest of us feel better about ourselves."

	<Kelly does erotic dance and her fat old teacher jumps on Al>
	Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!"


Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie
---------------------------------
	Kelly: " What's a simpleton?"
	Bud:   " Oh, Moron, idiot, fool, dullard, brain-damaged person,
		 bonehead. You know, someone slightly smarter than you."
			-- from Na Choon Piaw 
			   (piaw@pure.com)

The Bundy's go bowling
----------------------
	<Bud's filming Al trying to break the alley's all-time score. Al's
	 just coming in the door>
	Al:  " Bud, did you get your mom in the picutre?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad."
	Al:  " Rewind"				
	<Al heads back outside for another take>
			-- from Mika Latokartano 
			   (mol@jyu.fi)


Bud turns 18	
------------
	Al: " Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but
	      a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife"

	Al: " I'm giving you six bucks. You'll be tempted to spend it all
	      on the first girl. Don't do it. Six dollars is too much to
	      spend on any girl."

	<Buck gets it on with the pony>
	Buck: " I hope it was as good for whatever it was as it was for me.
		What do I care? I got mine."


Peg vs Jim Jupiter
------------------
	Jim:  " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago"
	Al:   " Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your
	        mouth"

	<The Bundy's are trying to figure out where Jim will stay>
	Bud:   " He wouldn't want to stay in Kelly's room and listen to the
	  	 sailors coming in and out all night."
	Kelly: " He wouldn't want to stay in Bud's room and listen to him
		 whisper 'I Love You' to his hand all night."
			-- from Larry Waxler 
			   (LARRYW@MAINE.maine.edu)


The Bundy's get an inheritance
------------------------------
	<Al and Peg are eating out and have no money>
	Peg: " What are we gonna do, Al?"
	Al:  " What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do, when you're out
	       of the bedroom, Peg, the answers don't come easy, do they?"


The Bundy's Get a New Kid
-------------------------
	< Peg's cousins left >
	Al: " You let them go. That has to be the stupidest move in
	      history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered
	      the phone the day after we had sex."



Al becomes a bartender
----------------------
	Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?"
	Al:    " Normally, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers"

	Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?"
	Al:    " It's when a woman marries and a man dies"

        Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had
		 a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair."
	Bud:   " Well, you know what she says 'Bleach a cold, raise a beaver'"

	<Bud & Kelly are outside freezing>
	Kelly:   "Help us"
	Marcie:  "I can't. I'm a Republican."

	Peg: " Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's
	       face it, we both know it's money."


Kelly says NO
-------------
	Al:  " Is it our anniversary again!"
	Peg: " No"
	Al:  " Then why are you touching me?"
	Peg: " I'm tired of touching myself"
	Al:  " I don't blame you"

	Peg: " We had plenty to talk about when we first met"
	Al:  " Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was a lot of
	       things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 
	       6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend 
	       Joan, and did she actually see Deep Throat"
	Peg: " Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man
	       with such big shoes have such a teeny, weeny, tiny, little...
	Al:  " Peg!"

	Marcie:    " Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male
		     impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You
		     should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think
		     I can."
	Jefferson: " That's after four times of making her shake like a
		     California quake"
	Marcie:    " And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the Big One"
	Peg:	   " I'd settle for an after-shock...You should see Al...Oh
		     snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Ground Hog's
		     Day. Peeking out of its hole, seeing its shadow, getting
		     scared and running away.
	Al:	   " It's not its shadow that it's scared of"
	Peg:	   " It's cute as the dickens, though.
	Al:	   " Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle"


Peg Buys Tubro
--------------
	Peg: " I need something lucky to rub"
	Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky"

	Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women
	       when they have us at home?"
	Al:  " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to
	       close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari.



Al Tries to Remember a Song
---------------------------
	Al: " What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the
    	      wife in the back yard."


Bud Dates Teacher
-----------------
	< Ding Dong >
	Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes 
               I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I 
               mean"
	Peg: " I'm afraid we do"



Al Buys Air Conditioner
-----------------------
	< Peg cranks air conditioner >
	Al:  " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it"
	Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls
	       over and then asks what's on TV.... Well, it might be,	
	       I don't feel a thing."



The Bundy's go to the Beach
---------------------------
	Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful."
	Al:  " You're gonna get worse !?"


A Peeping-Tom is loose
----------------------
	Peg: " Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the
	       ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can.
   	< Al locks her in the basment >
	Peg: " When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a
	       full minute."


Al builds a bathroom
--------------------
	Al:  " We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to
	      sleep with mine."
   	<Peg looks down>
	Peg: " Is that what you call it?"

	Al: " A woman ruins a bathroom: Nylons hanging from the shower, a
	      tube of Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of
	      vinegar lying around...What are they doing in there? Making a
	      salad?

   	<Al comes out of bathroom>
	Peg: " How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed?
	Al:  " I don't know.I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?"
	Peg: " Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?"
	Al:  " Na, I need something stronger."
       <Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty
    	Something." He then picks up the newspaper and heads to the bathroom>


Al has a Christmas Club Account at Marcie's bank
------------------------------------------------
	Al: " Christmas isn't a time for regret. That's what anniversaries
	      are for."

	<Peg has on lingerie with a Christmas bow>
	Peg: " Come open your present, Al."
	Al:  " Where is it?"
	Peg: " It's me!"
	Al:  " Peg, why'd you get me the same old thing I didn't play
	       with last year?"


Thinnergy
---------
	Al: " We're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut."

	<Al won't have sex with Peg>
	Marcie: " What if I told you I had an answer to all your problems?"
	Peg:    " I tried that...It's just not the same."

	<Al's watching smut on TV>
	Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't
	      love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the
	      girl on TV, I'd still ignore you."


Al goes on "Vacation" on his couch
----------------------------------
	Al:  " Peg, I don't want to be bothered"
	Peg: " But, Alllllllll"
	Al:  " Sorry, Peg, the captain has turned on the 'No Peg' sign"

	Bud:   " Vengeance shall be mine"
	Kelly: " Then vengeance can't be a woman"

	Kid 1:     " What was it like on Happy Days?"
	Jefferson: " I told you my name was Darcy"
	Kid 2:     " Was that your name on the Love Boat?"
	< Ted McKinnley "Jefferson" was on the Love Boat >

	<Bud comes in wearing a 6-hand bug costume>
	Kelly: " You know Bud, if you had another hand,  you'd have a date
	         for every night of the week"


Al sells Peg's Hair
-------------------
	<Bud comes in with Buck>
	Kelly: " How'd it go?"
	Bud:   " Still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear
		 him to the prom."

	Al:  " I'm selling the lawn furniture"
	Man: " How much do you want for it?"
	Al:  " $10,000"
	Peg: " It cost $40, 15 years ago"
	Al:  " So did you"

	<Kelly comes in wearing skin-tight clothes>
	Kelly: " Well, I passed math. French, too, and I'm not even taking it"

	Kelly: " They [men] have no repect for our hair. They only use it to
		 pull us up, pull us down."

	<Al's heading to prison>
	Al:  " I'll need toilet paper, 2-ply white, a harmonica, and a picture
	       of mommy in case thoughts of escape cross my mind...Did you
	       get me cigarettes, kids? It's for my new boyfriend, Bubba."
	Peg: " Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex, a 1/2 pack'll do ya"


Peg goes dancing
----------------
	<Al is eagerly waiting for a pizza, when the doorbell rings and
	 Marcie is standing there>
	Al: "Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's not a pizza"
			-- from Dan Welch (dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com)

	Al: "Look! It's the Abominable No-Man" <== about Marcie
			-- from Dan Welch (dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com)


It's a Bundy Christmas  <= the only one with a viewer's discretion warning
----------------------
	Bud:   " Can we go to the new mall?"
	Al:    " That mall is killing your father."
	Kelly: " I thought mom is."

	<Al has a bandage on his hand>
	Al: " Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm
	      clock should be?"

	<Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there>
	Coroner: " Oh-oh"
	Al:      " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself
		   in the front yard"

	<Al's playing Santa>
	Al:  " What do you want?"
	Kid: " A horse"
	Al:  " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the
	       neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse
	       and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom
	       hunted it down and killed it."


Bundy's get a computer
----------------------
	Al:  " Computers and women are ruining the country"
	Peg:  " They're quite similar. You can't turn on either."


Labor Day barbecue
------------------
	<Kelly is between Bud and Peg>
	Kelly: " Is this how I'm gonna spend my Labor Day. Between my mother
		 and a pizza with everything"
	Bud:   " Well, Kelly, just pretend it's any other day. Get up on the
		 table & mom and I will put dollars down your dress."
	Peg:   " Don't believe everything Rev. Fultcher says from the 
		 pulpit."

	Peg: " Kids, I wish you could've seen your dad before all this"
	Al:  " As I recall, they almost did."



Bud sleeps with cousin's Fiancee
-------------------------------
	<You don't see Peg and Al. You just hear them>
	Peg: " It just hangs there lifelessly"
	Al:  " It's mine, Peg"
	Peg: " I'll straighten it out"
	Al:  " It's too long"
	Peg: " Women like it long"
	Al:  " I'm the one that's gotta lug it along"
	<You then see Al and his tie is way too long>

	<Bud has just had sex with the bride>
	Kelly: " What did you do?"
	Bud:   " A gentleman never tells. I had sex and I was good."
	Kelly: " Oh my God"
	Bud:   " That's what she said twice"
	Kelly: " What, once when you undressed and once when you put your
	  	 bunny slippers on?"
	Bud:   " Save it for someone not getting any, like mom. Talk all
		 you want, nothing can bring me down"
	Kelly: " You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's fiancee."
	Bud:   " That did it."
	
	Peg: " Say you love me."
	Al:  " I love beer and bowling. I don't want to cheapen the word."

	Peg: " This is a historical first. We're in the bedroom and I'm
	       waiting for you to finish."

	<Bud's heading to his bedroom with the bride again>
	Peg: " What a lovely bride."
	Al:  " Well, it looks like we have a while 'til the wedding."


Unclassified 			--- which shows are these from ?
------------
	Al:  " Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin."

	<A girl scout is trying to sell cookies to Al>
	Girl: " Its food, Bundy.  You can't tell me you're not hungry.  
		My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt. "
	Al:   " You go tell your daddy that you have the mailman's eyes!"
			-- from Dave Minsek 
			   (minsek@chen1.harvard.edu)


	Bud: " You don't know what the guys say about me.  
	       They say: Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit, 
	       Bud, Bud, he'll touch no..."
    	Al:  " I don't wanna talk about you!"
			-- from Donald L.C. Blewett
			   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)


	<Al just got new glasses>
	Al:  " People who sell shoes to fat women should 
	       not have 20/20 vision."
			-- from Donald L.C. Blewett
		       	   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)

	Peg: " Al, why don't you get a license plate that tells the world
	       how YOU feel?"
	Al:  " Because 'KILL ME' was taken by your father."
			-- from Micheal Kopko
		 	   (KOPKO@B.PSC.EDU)




-- 
=================================================================
Bob Pack      			rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu
Dept. of Electrical Engineering
University of Pittsburgh