From: shiva%morpheus%Servers@MAGNOLIA.BANYAN.COM
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Parents of Adults Divorcing
Date: 22 Jul 92 15:05:45 GMT
X-Unparsable-Date: Wed, 31 Dec 69 19:00:00 EST

A couple of months ago, my mother started a conversation with that old,
familiar, soap-opera line "Your father and I will always care about each
other, but..."  It seems that at this point in their lives they have 
decided it makes sense to explore all the options in their relationship,
which includes discussing the possibility of separation/divorce.

I could spend a lot of time telling you what is good about this resolution
of theirs, because as an Intellectual Objective Adult who knows them both
very well I can see tremendous benefit in the two of them finally sitting
down and talking about reality (the biggest thing that has been missing
from their marriage).  In reality, the whole thing has really thrown me.
I don't think I want them to stop the work they're doing; I don't even
think I'd want them to stay together if they really felt they'd be happier
apart.  There is a lot about the feelings that I'm having that I don't
really understand yet; I think I've been avoiding them until the verdict
comes in (i.e. why deal with it if they're just going to end up staying
together?).

What has really distressed me, though, is my mother's reaction to me in 
all of this.  When she first told me about this (I have never discussed
it , or even alluded to it, with my father), she wanted to know how I felt.
She said she hoped she could help me without jeapordizing her own progress.
But ever time I suggest that I might be disturbed or distressed - or 
*anything*, in fact, other than pleased that they're finally talking about
things, she stonewalls me.  It's as if she doesn't believe I have any
right to be upset at all.  "You should be grateful," she said once, "that
your parents care enough about each other to at least try to work it out."

I don't bring it up any more, but she does from time to time.  She was 
telling me last night that she had spoken on the phone to my dad and my
brother (my dad was visiting him), and that my brother sounded "subdued."
I suggested that perhaps he was tired, or perhaps he was having a stressful
time with my father, or perhaps he just didn't have anything to say.  (These
are generally the reasons my brother sometimes isn't talkative.)  She then
told me that my father had discussed "things" with him, but that all my
brother had said was "Don't worry about me in all of this."  (Did I *ask*
what he said?  No, I didn't.)  She didn't think his discussion with my dad
could have anything to do with his subdued mood; when I suggested it might,
she said "But he said we shouldn't worry about him."  Like my brother had
said "Oh, fine, doesn't bother me in the least" instead of "Don't worry
about me."  Knowing my brother, I suspect what he meant was "I don't want
to get put in the middle of all of this, so leave me out of it."  Smart
guy; I should have tried that.  But I was absolutely astounded that my
mother honestly seems to believe that a normal, healthy reaction from her
children is "Oh, good.  So, seen any good movies lately?"

I need her to acknowledge that I have a right to feel upset, that the
outcome of this does affect me, that it's normal to be distressed by
the thought of your parents splitting up, even as an adult.  I won't ask
her to help me through this; that, I think, is too much.  I'd be perfectly
happy if the topic never came up between the two of us again.  But the whole
issue makes me feel about twelve years old; and when she gets irritated with
me for having an emotional reaction to what she's telling me about, it's 
like someone has ripped my insides out and left a hollow, aching cavern.  I
feel absolutely alone.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Is my reaction normal?  Do other adults
deal more practically with their parents' splitting up?

-shiva