From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #132
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: Just another Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 11:36:51 GMT


   #######         #######         ###         #######    TOXIC     CUSTARD
   #     #  #####  # # # #  #####  # #  #####  #     #    WORKSHOP    FILES
   ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  ##### #
   ### ###  #      # # # #  ###    # #   ####  #     #    Number        132
   ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  # #####    25th January 1993
   ### ###  #####  #     #  #      # #  #####  #     #    by  Daniel  Bowen
---#######---------#######---------###---------#######------------------------

TOXIC CUSTARD *BASTARD OF THE YEAR* (BOTY) 1992.                              I
Voting closes this Thursday, 28th of January. So if you haven't voted
yet, for fuck's sake; yes, for the sake of fuck, make up your mind and        h
forward your vote NOW! As a reminder, the nominees were: (a) everyone         e
in the Yugoslavian conflict, (b) Patrick Buchanan, (c) Robin Leach,           a
(d) George Bush, (e) Dan Quayle, (f) Paul Keating, (g) Saddam Hussein,        r
(h) Rush Limbaugh, (i) Jeff Kennett, (j) James Parry, (k) John Hewson,
(l) the people who interfere with everyone's modem connections,               p
(m) Daniel Bowen, (n) Jeremy Beadle, and (o) Inspector Unnecessary-           e
Violence. VOTE NOW! Full results, along with largely useless and              o
doubtful statistical analysis of voting trends, will be released next         p
week.                                                                         l
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                                                                              w
WAITER: Have you finished with that sir?                                      e
                                                                              r
DINER: What?                                                                  e

WAITER: Only I notice you haven't eaten much in the past few minutes,         q
        and there's a gentleman on table four who would like the same         u
        dish.                                                                 e
                                                                              u
DINER: Well, I errm..                                                         e
                                                                              i
WAITER: Thank you sir. Now, can I get you any dessert?                        n
                                                                              g
DINER: Erm.. Yes, perhaps I could have a serving of chocolate mousse?
                                                                              f
WAITER: Ah.. no sir, I don't think so. Guess again sir.                       o
                                                                              r
DINER: Well, why not?
                                                                              h
WAITER: I'm afraid, sir, that the lady on table six hasn't quite              o
        finished eating the chocolate mousse, and this being a                u
        Wednesday, there isn't another on the premises.                       r
                                                                              s
DINER: Now just wait a cotton-picking minute. Do you mean to tell me
       that you share the food around the different people?                   a
                                                                              t
WAITER: Well, yes sir. It's a new recyclable food strategy we've
        introduced as an attempt to help save our world, sir. I'm sure        a
        you couldn't possibly argue with that.
                                                                              C
DINER: Well, err, no, I guess not...                                          l
                                                                              i
WAITER: Good. So, would sir care to await the imminent arrival of the         n
        chocolate mousse, or would sir care to select another dessert?        t
                                                                              o
DINER: Look, surely this isn't sanitary. I mean, anyone could be              n
       passing germs to anyone else.
                                                                              I
WAITER: Did sir spot any lethal germs on his roast steak?                     n
                                                                              a
DINER: Well no, of course not.                                                u
                                                                              g
WAITER: There you are then.                                                   u
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                                                                              t
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 12                                                 i
                                                                              o
Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal        n
Security Establishment had taken over the case of the Great Truck
Robbery. And, to this end, they took the truckload of police documents        s
back to headquarters and began to wade through them in gumboots, after        h
pouring them all out over the floor. It turned out to be the biggest          o
mistake since someone set up a mass blind date between the Perverts'          p
Society and Nymphomaniacs Anonymous. They discovered that the wading          .
screwed up the files completely, and so asked their boss to organise          .
for a buildingsworth of secretaries to come and sort everything out
again.                                                                        H
    While this was going on, Popsicle and the Inspector decided to            e
re-interview one of the only suspects, one Jake McGiggin, at his home.        '
The Inspector was pretty mad at not receiving any votes in the Bastard        s
Of The Year election, and was showing it very well. Rather than knock
on McGiggin's door, or even knock it down with a big hammer, the              s
Inspector head-butted it open, before entering, smashing ornaments with       t
his truncheon, and shooting the parrot.                                       a
    He then ran into the loungeroom, picked up McGiggin by the nose and       r
pushed him against the wall, so that Popsicle could interview him.            t
    "Hello Jake. We'd like to discuss a few things. That okay?"               e
    McGiggin nodded, with a great deal of difficulty.                         d
    "You wanna tell me about the robbery?"
    McGiggin muttered something very nasal, and the Inspector lowered         t
him back onto the floor, before wiping his fingers on the sofa.               u
    "Yeah... yeah... " said McGiggin, trying to catch his breath, and         r
unstretch his nostrils. "It wasn't me, I swear... but I can't tell you        n
who... they'd kill me..."                                                     i
    Popsicle had heard this line so many times it wasn't funny anymore.       n
In fact, it hadn't been very amusing the first time he'd heard it. Like       g
someone who rejects a lot of Mormons, Popsicle had a standard "I'm not
interested in religion"-style line to answer this. And it was:                t
    "Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll let Inspector Unnecessary-Violence do           h
that right here and now to save time?"                                        e
    This was the Inspector's cue to move forward threateningly, and it
worked a treat, as usual.                                                     U
    "All right, all right! It was the Whelans. The Whelan brothers.           S
Okay?"
    "Okay", replied Popsicle. "Have a nice day."                              i
                                                                              n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                 t
That's all for this week. If you haven't                                      o
voted, vote. And whether you have or haven't,
check out the results in next week's TCWF!                                    R
Subscriptions are available; reply to this, or                                u
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu                                              s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      !ydaerla ais
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |            Coming soon...
Melbourne, Australia------------|                                 ,
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|       T  H  E    C  L  I  C  H  E
B.O.T.Y '92: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|     F   R   O   M     H   E   L   L