From: perez@mgr.hjf.org (Charles Perez)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: ****SPOILER WARNING**** please try to be supportive
Date: 20 Aug 92 01:40:16 GMT
Organization: HJF AIDS Research Project, Washington DC

In article <11AUG92.12752120.0052@UNBVM1.CSD.UNB.CA> Z57N@UNB.CA (Z57N000) writes:
>I am tired of pretending nothing more happened to me than a simple
>conflict of interest.
>
>There was another serious molest.
>I am not repeating a flashback. I am not suffering from a hazy memory.
>Iknow that what happened to me happened. I know because the gyn exam I
>received last month turned up sperm.
>
>I was not just my so-called benefactor's foster daughter.  I was tricked
>into being his mistress.  I did not consent for myself. My resistance
>was worn down. No sleep for some time.

Remember, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. :-(

>Benefactor appearing to have a
>nervous breakdown, and his needing some form of intimacy to drag him out
>of it. virtual begging.

Foster fathers are *not* supposed to press such an issue!

>Relkie, not wanting to see him in agony, gives
>in after hours and hours and hours of saying, "I wanted to save myself
>for someone I love very much." but of course, he said, i wasn't really a
>virgin anyway so why does it matter? :.(

Some free advice for what it's worth: if you sense that someone
who is trying to convince you to do something - anything - is not
your friend, don't tell him your motivations! Keep your silence
about your decision-making process! If you tell your motivations,
you make them common property and risk having them undercut. If
your keep your motivations to yourself, you can keep your head and
a tighter grip on your self-respect, even if you *do* give in
sometimes. Your motivations remain yours and untouched. Silence
can be an excellent weapon sometimes.

You seem to have your eyes at least half-open about this. This is
*good*. If your eyes are open, you can only be hurt by mistakes
only so much. Yes, IMHO, giving in was a mistake on your part, but
one you may not have been in a position to stop. He took advantage
of your not being fully empowered to say no. That is why it is
called sexual abuse, after all.

>
>and even though I was wincing in pain from the experience, he didn't
>bother to stop. (took him all of three minutes to do what he wanted, but
>it felt like an eternity)...

So what else is new? Those who see only their own needs never see
another's pain. Not to belittle *your* pain, but to let you know
why I agree that it's *justified*.

>
>he created an emotional dependence and then turned it into a sexual
>relationship that i was not ready for.
>
>relkie is not pregnant at least.
>
>please. don't turn this into another edandkarla thing. don't flame me
>for having slept with the dweeb. but i'm upset, i'm scared, i feel like
>some sort of whore...

Nothing about this experience marks you as a whore. You were pressed,
boxed in.

>and to top it all off, there's at
>least two people who think that not only did i do this out of sheer
>teenaged horniness, i am sleeping around...

That just shows that they did not know you, or didn't care. No one
*I* have met who had a history of abuse showed any sign of being
or having been subject to normal teenaged horniness. That part of
you *always* gets fucked up, at least until you have done substantial
healing, and how many teenage abuse victims can say that? (Or maybe
I overgeneralized and stuck my foot in my mouth. I'm not going to
edit it out, however; it seems to need to be said)

>
>and i'm not.
>
>
>
>"aileen quinn"
>concerns another disclosure. I am not repeating a flashback. I am not
>hazy on this memory. I know I'm not, because the gyn exam last month

There is a sense of unreality about your experience. Your words say as
much. Your insistence that this experience did happen is your struggle
against something in you that wants to deny that it happened. Your only
weapon against this is your honesty. You can choose to be honest. You
can level your honesty against anyone who wants to sow the seeds of
denial in you, who wants you to deny what really happened to you.

Honesty is one of the few direct choices no one can take from you. It
is what going through life with your eyes open is all about. Honesty
is your weapon. Wield it always, and proudly!


-- 
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That which is necessary is never evil. If an evil seems necessary, look
to your context; that's where its root lies.  - Charles Perez
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery