From: riggle@adobe.com (Kathleen Riggle)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Sign of the times
Date: 18 Dec 92 19:28:08 GMT
Article-I.D.: adobe.1992Dec18.192808.23092
Organization: Adobe Systems Incorporated, Mountain View

In article <1992Dec17.201505.16022@nynexst.com> clare@nynexst.com (Clare Chu) writes:


>  My husband won't change poopy or peepee diapers unless the baby's
>  butt is going to fall off and neither me nor his mother is around.
>  I also work outside of the home 8 hours+ a day.  And he only
>  plays with the baby while I cook or clean.  And no, I And no, I
>  didn't know this before I was married...  :-( He thinks driving my
>  son to his mother and back is just compensation for diaper changing.
>  Actually I'd rather do the diaper changing than driving into the warzone
>  South Bronx twice a day and carrying him up and down the stinky
>  stairs in the projects (reeks of urine and bloodstained).

[and then wonders why Laura writes]

>In article <1gqav1INNidh@gap.caltech.edu> floom@cco.caltech.edu (Laura E. Floom) writes:
>>
>>I am glad to hear your husband does help out around the house, but you must
>>forgive the net for assuming he doesnt. I cant count how many times you have
>>posted on misc.kids complaining about your husband. You make him sound like
>>a particulary horrible person. I know I am not the only person on misc.kids
>>who wonders why you stay with him if he is as bad as you say, and if he isnt
>>as bad as you say, why are you being so disloyal.
>
>  I can.  He doesn't change poopy diapers counts as one, even though
>  I posted about it twice.  It seems to bother people that there are
>  husbands that don't change poopy diapers.  Maybe they don't want
>  theirs to "get any ideas".  :-)
>
>  Another time, I was worried about a business trip and wondering
>  if my son would miss me.  So someone asked, "Maybe your husband
>  can spend more time playing with him."  And I said, "Well he
>  can't because he as to study and work."  Then some people went into
>  "horrible person" mode accusing him of putting work ahead of
>  his kid.  So I had to explain that his work was 12-hour shifts
>  in the Emergency Room (Level-I Trauma Center) from 9:00 a.m. to
>  9:00 p.m. (meaning he doesn't get home by 10:00 p.m.)

You didn't say he had to study and work (until after someone thought
it was bad that your husband didn't take more of an interest in his
son).  You said something like "My husband will probably just dump the
baby at his mother's."

>  Let's see, there's the flu shots, the blood drawing, bassinet,
>  Santa Cruz questions, exercise, questions...  Do these count
>  as complaints against a "horrible person"???

You forgot about your husband watching horror movies in front
of your son and forcing you to the theaters to watch Hellraiser
movies.

>>
>>I have noticed a pattern from you. You write a post complaining about your
>>husband, inlaws, or life in general. People feel bad for you, and post 
>>something in response. YOu complain because they didnt take into consideration
>>other facts. Of course these facts werent in your original posting, so how
>>could people know about it? 
>
>  Never said that the blood-drawing wasn't that bad...  Thanks to all
>  the people who replied, I now have the guts to tell my midwife that
>  I refuse to let M. draw my blood.  I already practiced on another
>  midwife... (I mean asking, not drawing her blood!)
>
>  Besides, M. is really a nice nurse.  She even said "hi" to me when I
>  saw her at the mall, and asked about my son, so there!  I guess I
>  forgot to include that in the original posting.

Yes, you forgot to mention M. was a really nice person.  But what does
that have to do with anything?  Does it mean that you should let her
draw your blood after all?  Uh, no, please don't answer that.  I usually
read news during my lunch hour and your stories about blood drawing
were enough to make me wretch.

>>My guess is that you would like to use the net to complain about your husband,
>>but would rather that none of us respond. If that is the case, please put
>>a warning at the top of your post, and we can all ignore it. Personally, I
>>find all the complaining a bit hard to take, especially when you follow up 
>>with an explanation that he isnt that bad.
>
>  I would rather have people tell me what they did in certain situations,
>  not immediately jump to "horrible person" mode.  If my in-laws force-fed
>  my son, so that he won't eat with me, then I want to know what I should
>  do to get him to eat (or allow him to decide to eat himself), not have
>  people jump all over them for "child abuse", which doesn't help me.
>
>  I've decided against posting anything about toilet training because
>  people will probably go off on how my in-laws want to keep him a baby
>  longer.  So I'll just do it myself (on the weekends), with no help
>  from the other parents on the net, to share their experiences with me.  :-(

You know, Clare, I really don't think you get it.  This post of yours
is a good example.  No one is saying that your husband should change
poopy diapers; that's between you, him and the baby's butt.  What
Laura is trying to say is that the way you phrase your posts makes
your husband sound horrible and I agree. I know.  Let's try an
example.  What if you had written this instead?

  I think it's great that other parents trade off diapering, but not
  all parents choose to do that.  My husband doesn't change diapers.
  One, he works long hours and does the laundry, grocery shopping and
  drops our child off at his mother's every single day.  Two, I prefer
  to do the diaper changes.  So, even though it may be nice to trade
  off chores, there are other ways to work it.

See?  Now, who could flame you for that?  I have an example from my
life.  My husband feeds our daughter breakfast every single morning
(unless he's away on business.)  Where am I?  Either under the shower
trying to wake up or sleeping.  I'm not a morning person.  That's
okay.  I do other chores and and we are happy with the arrangement.
But, what if he were posting about it?  He could have said that he
HAS to feed our daughter every morning, because I won't get out of
bed to do it.  It's partly true, but it makes me sound like a lazy
bum, when in actuality, he likes fixing her breakfast (he says he
has a "need to feed."  :-)  )

If you want to post about toliet training, why not just say, "My
mother-in-law doesn't feel Tony is ready yet and I do, so I'm 
doing this alone.  Could I have advice on how to handle it only
on the weekends?" 

But DON'T WHINE unless you want people to follow it up

I suppose I could stop reading your posts, but my job is too humorless
right now and I need the relief.

Kathie
Newsgroups: misc.kids