From: king@cogsci.ucsd.EDU (Jonathan King)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: OMIGOD...it's the Ninth Deep Drive Derby Update!! (long, tall, wide)
Summary: we're back from the dead.  temporarily
Keywords: binaca, blast, deep, drive, tater, acker, kipper, update
Date: 27 Aug 92 10:30:36 GMT
Organization: Binaca Blast Deep Drive Research Institute

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the ballpark...

The Binaca Blast Deep Drive Research Institute is proud to present our
ninth seasonal update, a special Really, Really, Late Issue, charting
the further progress of the 1992 BINACA BLAST DEEP DRIVE DERBY.

INTRODUCTORY NOTES

The Binaca Blast Deep Drive Research Institute (BB DD RI) was founded
in 1991 in order to foster a greater appreciation of the pitcher's
substantial contribution to the Deep Drive, which is the focus of so
many of our most lasting baseball memories.  In order to increase fan
awareness of the pitcher's role in homerun-related behavior, our
generous corporate sponsor has endowed the Deep Drive Research
Institute, and given us a mandate to award prizes to the pitcher in
each league who contributes to the greatest number of home runs per
inning, and thus wins the Binaca Blast Deep Drive Derby (BB DDD).

Contributions to our ongoing research are strongly encouraged; send
email to king@cogsci.ucsd.edu for further details on how you can help
us out.  Please note that the Institute has lost its netnews feed, so
that you *must* email your Tater Tidbit directly to the address above.
Lastly, while we at the BB DD RI encourage the appreciation of the
Deep Drive in all forms, we are *not* in fact connected in any way
with the organizers of the Jim ACKer Pitch-Alike Contest (JACK-PAC).


*** DEEP DRIVE NEWS, RUMORS, AND FEATURES ***

Jim Acker Update:

The Ackman, fond target of so much net.abuse over these last two
years, was granted his unconditional release by the Seattle Mariners.
Although the Institute's records have recently been impounded (in a
manner of speaking), we have a hunch that the Ackman has
metaphorically bitten down hard on that taco, and may not reappear
until the peppers bloom anew next spring.

After some intense prodding on our part, there was a quite dramatic,
spontaneous outpouring of sentiment for Jim.  We received
approximately 128 testimonials (well, okay, maybe it was 59, or maybe
actually 3) from which we are proud to present the following shining
examples which are only lightly edited for bathos.  

(Okay, so we overhauled them heavily that their original authors
probably will not recognize their own prose and might even decide to
sue us for misrepresentation; so what?)


FROM Joe Lundy:

I remember Jim Acker.

I remember Ack when he was but a fledgling Jay, and the time he faced
the A's and giving up a monstorous home run to one of the Bash
brothers and then beaned the next guy up to bat.  ("No way can I
forget such a Binaca Blast.")

He will be missed.  Or will he?  To be cut from *that* staff says
something, but I like to think of Jim as a resilient soul, a Latex man
as it were [...] so there is always hope.  After all, there will be
two new teams with two mediocre pitching staffs coming into the league
next year, and offense generates excitement...


FROM Anand Sinha 

I remember Jim Acker.  
The year was 1991.  
Dave Stieb had just gone 
on the disabled list.
The Jays were scrounging 
for a fourth starter.  

The call went to Jim Acker.  

Cito Gaston believed in Jim.
Cito believed that four decent 
innings could be enough to win,
to beat the California Angels.  

Jim Acker was not at his best that day.  

He lasted only less than two innings, 
and he gave up 6 runs.  He only dished deeply 
once, and it was not even a monster shot.  
It only landed in the 200 level at Skydome.  
In all, a poor performance by The ACKmeister.  

But "Wackman" Wille Fraser relieved, and dished deeply 
twice in the next two innings and so more than made up for
the disappointment that the ACKman had left in our hearts and minds
by failing to pitch the four decent innings that would have given us a chance 

to beat the California Angels.

Well, it's not a great remembrance.  
Let me pause and think of a better one.

Anand Sinha


FROM Dave Till

I remember Jim Acker.

My fondest memories of the Ackmonster are of his first incarnation as
a Blue Jay, between 1983 and 1985.  His role on the team (then as now)
was long relief; in fact, I thought of him as the Patron Saint of Lost
Causes, because he only got into the game when the Jays were Lost.

If I turned on the radio in mid-game and heard that the Ackman was
pitching, I knew that Toronto's starter had been stomped and that the
Jays were way behind.

I also remember the summer of 1991.  

At one point, the entire Jays staff had an ERA under 3 except one
man, who had an ERA over 5.  

Yes, I remember Jim Acker.

***


Local Research Institute News:

You may have noticed that it has been more than a month since we last
managed to get an update out.  This is due to some severe retrenchment
here so that the director can pursue outside interests in one of those
pesky publish-or-perish fields people get themselves roped into.
This inattention may have causes some of the astonishing losses the
Institute had to take as a result of putting all our funds into Wang
shares this past spring.  So, briefly, we're in Chapter 11 now, and
will drift into Chapter 7 after the season.  We might even have to
lay off Gary Huckabay.

Another reason we'll have to can the WeaselBoy is that the director
and his wife are in fact going to be having a baby girl next month,
and babies don't come cheap.  (She's gotta be sheltered and fed and
dressed in the best that money can buy...)  In any case, we would
like to squelch the rumor that the BB DD RI will be soliciting a True
Toddler Name for this child.  Judging from the tastefulness of the
response to the Alejandro Pena TTN contest, we definitely want to nip
*that* idea in the bud (sorry, Carl).  And, in any case, we already
have a set of four finalists in mind: Penelope, Lucy, Dinah, and Emma.


Gary Huckabay Update:

We assume that Gary Huckabay is out there, somewhere, and is pissed as
hell that we didn't make that deposit into his 401(k) plan this
quarter.  Sorry about that; but it's probably Congress's fault, in any
case.


Lost and Found:

In the looong time since our last update, the very fabric of the Deep
Drive Derby has changed in more ways than we will probably remember to
list here; please alert us to things we may have missed.

Outside of Acker's release, the big news has to be "Round Tripper"
Kipper's release.  "Butane Bob" a.k.a. "The Ripper" earned his release
by being in the wrong place at the wrong time; he was on a major league
staff during a pennant race.  In our next update, we are planning a
Bob Kipper retrospective, and would appreciate any interesting tidbits
you may have about this distinguished fatballer.

Juan Berenguer was traded from the Braves to the Royals for Mark
"Masher" Davis.  "Masher" has been extremely effective since the trade,
while Juan has languished somewhat.

"Jerry Don Gleaton" *and* Jeff M."onster" Robinson were released from
the Pirates for pretty much the same reason as Kipper was.  But the
Bucs did try to ameliorate the situation by picking up "Deep Danny"
Cox, in a move apparently designed to make the opposition laugh so
hard they forget to swing.

Shawn Hillegas was released by the Indians, picked up by the Yankees,
and promptly waived by them, too.

Speaking of former Tribe melon-heavers, Jeff Mutis "Mutandis" was
sacrificed at the altar in Colorado Springs.

Dave "Whiplash" West, a.k.a. "Captain Infinity" was brought up by the
Twins to fill the void left by Bob Kipper.  A disappointment
Deep-Drive-wise, "Whiplash" has managed to keep those swinging strikes
to a minimum so far, which is a good future indicator.

"Gyro" Gene Nelson, last year's AL DDD winner, lost his job with the A's
for the same reason as "Jerry Don Gleaton" lost his.

The Cincinnati Reds managed to acquire "Tom Tom" Bolton from the Red
Sox, a move which has paid handsome dividends so far.  To the
bleacherites, at any rate.

Paul "L5" Gibson has been promoted by the Mets to complement their
previous acquisition of "Groove Thing" Guetterman from the Yankees.

The San Diego Padres have continued to ignore Adam "Random Padre"
Peterson while shuffling their pitching staff, while the Giants
bravely placed "Orbital" Fran Oliveras into the starting rotation.
Giants manager Roger Craig explained the move by saying "we just
weren't using up our allotment of baseballs fast enough, and they were
piling up in the clubhouse".  Speaking of freebees, the Expos just
sent down "Souvenir" Sampen to keep "Helium" Haney company in
Indianapolis.


Ben McDonald True Tater Name Search:

We at the BB DD RI have recently decided that Ben is indeed worthy of
a True Tater Name for his impressive performance so far this year, and
have decided to seek your help officially in divining one.  We have
already received several suggestions in advance of this public
announcement, including all of the following (honestly):

"Big Bang" McDonald
"Big Mac" McDonald
"Do Fries Go with that Shake?" McDonald
Ben "Galvanek" McDonald

We aren't convinced that one of these is really the best one, and, no,
we won't tell you who suggested "Galvanek" or what the warped reasoning
behind it was.


IBM Tale of the Tape Results:

Time flies, and so do the baseballs.  Again, we would like to salute
the contributors to this section on the fine job they have done, and,
by all means, keep those tater reports coming in for anything longer
than 430 feet.

"Pitcher"            Team   Distance   Hitter            Spotter

Ben McDonald          BAL        483   Rob Deer          Glenn Tanner
"Helium" Haney        MON        475   The Straw         Carl Brenner
Bob "Smacki" Milacki  BAL        466   Frank Thomas      Carl Lamay
"Apocalypse" Horsman  OAK        454   Albert Belle  Gary "The Hucker" Huckabay
Skippy Belinda        PIT        452   Fred McGriff      BB DD RI
"Tater" Tim Leary     NYY        451   Candy Maldonado   Anand Sinha 
Mike Mussina          BAL        450   Juan Gonzalez     Glenn Tanner
Ricky Bones           MIL        449   Ron Karkovice     Nick Marden
John Smiley           MIN        445   Chris Hoiles      Lance Smith
John Candelaria       LAD        444   Fred McGriff      Prashnanth (ucsd)
Mike Moore            OAK        442   Wade Boggs!       Bert Smith
Jeff "Outy" Innis     NYM        442   Dave Justice      cavegory@yale...
"Lob it" Lancaster    DET        440   Chili Davis       Lance Smith
"Magnum" Magnante     KCR        440   Jack Clark        BB DD RI
Clay "Pigeon" Parker  SEA        440   Juan Gonzalez     Glenn Tanner
Ben McDonald          BAL        440   Don Mattingly!    Jeff Comer
Tom Glavine           ATL        440   Jeff Bagwell      ???oops
"Souvenir" Sampen     MON        439   Fred McGriff      Prashnanth (ucsd)
Erik Hanson           SEA        436   Dean Palmer       Glenn Turner
Joe Hesketh           BOS        435   Kent Hrbek        Valentine
Bob Walk              PIT        435   Gary Sheffield    BB DD RI
Dennis Cook           CLE        435   Jack Clark        Dave Grabiner
Craig Lefferts        SDP        434   Cory Snider       Prashnanth
Dave Righetti         SFG        431   Felix Jose        Harold Brooks
Alex Fernandez        CHW        431   Juan Gonzalez     Glenn Tanner
Rick Sutcliffe        BAL        430   Lee Stevens       BB DD RI

[...hundreds of taters deleted until we get to the winner of the Tom White
Binaca Breathdrops Dinky Dinger winner...]

"Airmail" Armstrong   CLE        302   Phil Plantier     Paul Martenis


DEEP DRIVE DERBY RESULTS FOR AUGUST 26

We bopped up the innings cutoff to 30.  Next update would be in
mid-September.  Honest.


AMERICAN LEAGUE RESULTS

There have been too many changes to mention since the last update, so
we won't even try.  The coveted AL Binaca Blast Pitcher of the Month
(AL BB POM) honors are being shared this time by "Round Tripper" Kipper
and Jim "Ackman" Acker in recognition of their career achievements (thus
technically making this the AL BB POM-POM prize).


American League Standings (20 IP minimum)

"Pitcher"                 Team    HR/IP

"Groove Thing" Guetterman  NYY     .225n
"Upper Deck" Aldred        DET     .214#*
"Round Tripper" Kipper     MIN     .205?*
"Bashman" Bailes           CAL     .204
"Air Show" Eric King       DET     .202
"Ammo" Arnsberg            CLE     .200*an
Jeff Mutis "Mutandis"      CLE     .200
"Juicy Joe" Slusarski      OAK     .197?*
Dennis "The Menace" Cook   CLE     .190
"Boom Boom" Boucher        CLE     .188#*
Clay "Pigeon" Parker       SEA     .180
"Frequent Flyer" Bones     MIL     .179
"Smacki" Milacki           BAL     .174?*
Mark "The Masher" Davis    KCR     .166?n
Ben McDonald               BAL     .163

* = pitcher currently not in the majors
? = unsure whether figure is latest available before trade/demotion
# = unsure about exact innings pitched (will have to research)
a = Arnsberg Correction applied
n = pitcher traded to NL
c = pitcher apparently comatose or superglued to the bench
d = pitcher is disabled, possibly by desperate rotisserie owners

NATIONAL LEAGUE RESULTS

At last there is a little liveliness in this senior circuit!  Not
as much as we would prefer, but there *is* actually competition for
the NL BB POM award.  "Tom Tom" Bolton dished deeply last year in Beantown
and now the beat goes on in Cincinnati, while "Orbital" Fran Oliveras
has boosted his Deep Drive numbers past the stratosphere.  Although
this competition is intense, we have decided to go with Mark "The Masher"
Davis, primarily because he hurled as meloniously as he could but hasn't
broken the innings barrier.  Yet.


National League Standings (2 tater minimum)

"Pitcher"                 Team    HR/IP

"Orbital Fran" Oliveras    SFG     .239
Juan Berenguer             ATL     .210?A
"Tom Tom" Bolton           CIN     .200
"Payload" Pena             ATL     .177
Terry Matthews             PHI     .167
Ryan "Boeing" Bowen        HOU     .166*a
M. Clark                   STL     .162#*
"Helium" Haney             MON     .158#*
Greg Harris                SDP     .154
"Strikeforce" Stanton      ATL     .149
Roger "Brickman" Mason     PIT     .142
Paul "L5" Gibson           NYM     .139

* = pitcher currently not in the majors
? = unsure whether figure is latest available before trade/demotion
# = unsure about exact innings pitched (will have to research)
a = Arnsberg Correction applied
n = pitcher traded to NL
A = pitcher traded to AL
c = pitcher apparently comatose or superglued to the bench
d = pitcher is disabled, possibly by desperate rotisserie owners

***

Well, that's all for the Ninth Binaca Blast Deep Drive Derby Update.
We would once again like to thank you for your interest, and remind
you that every night is ball night at warm 'n' toasty Candlestick Park.

jking


***IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE****
*                                                                           *
*  Disclaimer and Notice of copyright: Statistics for this report were      *
*  gathered from the USA Today Section "C", the USA Today Baseball Thang,   *
*  and from the electronic postings of Usenet's own appendicitis-stricken   *
*  SDCN.                                                                    *
*                                                                           *
*  All analysis and other commentary is Copyright (c) 1992 by The Binaca    *
*  Blast Deep Drive Research Institute.  Permission is granted to copy and  *
*  retransmit these analyses for academic and or non-commercial uses only.  *
*                                                                           *
***IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE**IMPORTANT NOTICE****