From: aarons@yang.earlham.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.sex
Subject: Re: Why I don't use the word "Love" very much
Date: 16 Nov 92 09:18:09 GMT
Organization: Earlham College, Richmond, Indiana

In article <1992Nov15.114740.783@midway.uchicago.edu>, mbr2@quads.uchicago.edu (Curious Of All Natures) writes:
> 	I do not believe words "mean what they say".  Love's about the
> most important word I can think of that does not mean what it says.
> What one person means by "love" is not what "love" says to ANYONE ELSE.
> People have differnt emotional landscapes inside.  People connect the
> word to different sets of actions, different experiences, different
> interactions.  Love means different things to the SAME person.
[stuff deleted]
> 	This is very important to remember!  People do not mean the same
> thing by "love" that you do.  If someone asks "Do you love me?" and you
> answer "yes" without elaboration, they will walk away thinking you feel
> what "love" means to _them_ and they won't have learned about your own
> unique feelings and desires and beliefs.

[Paragraph about the vagueness of love deleted]

> 	So, I don't use the word love all that much.  Instead I say
> something complex and creative that's very me, or I write a poem, or I
> do something that, coming from me, is very loving.

	It's funny that you should mention this.
	I am sorta involved with someone whom I feel very deeply for, but 
I know that she doesn't love me the same way I love her. (Ours is a 
Long-Distance open Relationship; hence the "sorta")
	I have never felt a need to say "I love you" to her. (I'll say why 
I haven't in a moment.) At the urging of my friends, however, and just to 
see what would happen, I said "I love you" to her the night (July14) before she 
left for Germany for a year. Her response was very interesting, but it 
made sense to me, at least. She said, "I don't know what love is anymore." 
At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I guessed (correctly, it seems) 
what she meant and replied, "There are over 3600 different documented 
forms of love and countless number of undocumented ones." She seemed 
relieved that I knew this, and said, "Well, in many of those other ways, I 
love you."
	This is a great comment, because it shows we both understand and 
believe what you are saying in the above statments, and it means that we 
both are aware that we love each other differently. It was something I had 
believed for a while, ever since I broke the word "marriage" to her 
(something I'd like to do with her sometime in the far future (at least 
this is what I feel right now)), and she said, among other things, "At 
least I know where you stand."
	The reason I had never said "I love you" to her before, and I said 
this to her one day (before I actually said it), is that I thought it was 
quite obvious. I feel great around her and she can see that, I made for 
her a really cool (it is, and I can't help but say it) Valentine's day 
card (never mind it was a few months late; *8-) it took a long time to 
make). I mean, I never felt the need. I guess she never did, either. I 
know she loves me because it shows.
	I agree that, as you say in a later post than the one I am 
responding to, it sometimes is important to get an idea of how the other 
person feels for you, whether it be learned by direct questioning or 
otherwise. This way, you can tell just about where your relationship stands.
And one should be prepared for, or accepting of, a love that changes, 
whether it be your change or the other's. This way, it is less likely that 
you will be hurt in a relationship.
	Thanks for posting! I really think what you say is right on.
 
> -Matt Ryan, this is the kind of thing philosophy will do to you,
> mb-ryan@uchicago.edu                Curious Of All Natures
> ==================================  ====================================
> If I'm dreaming, never let me wake. You'll never see the end of the road
> If I'm awake, never let me sleep.   When you're traveling with me.
>                -old chinese fellow                        -Crowded House     
> ==================================  ====================================

					Aaron G. Stock, Hooray for philosophy!

P.S. Pardon me if my .sig contains the word "love" in it. It's just a 
great song, and the quoted part fits what I am feeling now. Peter Gabriel 
just has a corner on my emotions quite often. For example, "I Have the 
Touch" is MY song. I own it. It is me to a "T". (other assorted ravings 
deleted)
P.P.S. Pardon me if that last bit should be better off in some rec.music 
group.
P.P.P.S Pardon me if I say "Pardon me" too often.
P.P.P.P.S. Bwa!
P.P.P.P.P.S. (a general expression of silliness)
P^6.S Enough already!
-- 
Aaron G. Stock          |          Ace Pumpkin
aarons@yang.earlham.edu | Peter Gabriel Fan and Abalone Player
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drawer 1735	 |"And in this moment, I need to be needed
Earlham College	 | When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
Richmond, Indiana| In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
47374		 | 'Cos I love to be loved, I love to be loved" -Peter Gabriel
Newsgroups: alt.romance