Newsgroups: soc.singles

> 
> As has been pointed out numerous times already, I think I ate my foot
> when I said that most women require the guy to have money, and pointed to
> the "financially stable" requirements so often seen in personals.

         I don't think it is that women are after money. Financial 
stability is evidence of stability in other areas -- like at least the
guy is not a total flake. Of course, that is a generalization. I just 
finished a book about a woman who looked for that in her ad and she 
attracted a guy who was financially stable. She got him. And he killed
her. ;-0
> 
> It was pointed out that they're more likely looking to avoid freeloaders.
> I must admit, I hadn't considered that possibility, and inasmuch as such
> a purpose is a weaker precondition than the guy being rich enough to support
> the woman, I'm inclined to think the "freeloader" explanation is a better
> explanation.
>
         Yes. 
 
> But it does make me wonder: are there so many freeloading guys out there,
> who would use and abuse the resources of the lady like that?  So many that
> "financially stable" is seen in almost every personal ad written by a
> female?  If so, why don't they just say "no freeloaders"?
>
         What guy is goign to say "I'm a freeloader so I won't answer this
ad"?

> 
> My concern for correctness is so prevalent that you might say it defines
> who I am.  I believe very strongly that one cannot be happy for very long
> living a lie, that knowing exactly how the real world works and where you
> stand with respect to it is mandatory if you're to get anywhere in it.

          You are right. 


> I have no religious beliefs.  There's no evidence to support such bunk.
> So I don't believe in any sort of afterlife, nor do I believe in any
> sort of universal justice.  This has two primary effects: it means that
> I'll go to very great lengths to prevent harm to myself, and it means
> that I have only a very small window of opportunity to get things right.

         You're right again. There isn't any universal justice -- but there
are universal laws. However, they have no moral implications. They just 
are. Learning to work with them is the best self-defense. 

> 
> I've said it before.  I'll say it again.  Good things don't *ever* happen
> to me unless I make them happen.  Period.  This is why the "ignore the
> problem" approach to solving a problem doesn't work for me: I'm not that
> lucky.

        I know that feeling well! BUT, again, universal law. It is not 
a question of 'ignore the problem". It becomes an engineering problem. 

> 
> So I have to learn about my environment and figure out what's going on
> before I can succeed at something.  The real world doesn't seem to let
> me get away with anything else.

        It doesn't let anyone get away with anything else. 

> And, of course, the time I had to spend going through all that was time
> I couldn't spend interacting with others, so I never learned much about
> how to read people.  Needless to say, this caused lots of problems when
> I transitioned to public school (at 5th grade level), particularly when
> I hit junior high school, at which point everyone becomes mean for some
> reason.  This paragraph is turning out too well (nice right margin), so
> I'll go on to the next one while I'm still ahead.  :-)

         Everyone in junior high is a demon straight from hell! ;-) 
> 
> Anyway, I learned from junior high, high school, and college that people
> will take advantage of you if you let them.  I learned not to trust anyone
> for important things except myself (for instance, I don't trust anyone to
> drive my car).  This will probably present considerable difficulty in a
> relationship, where such trust is required.
>
         Yes. That is true. I have had serious trust issues also. I have 
found the only way to deal with them is to try little things first. Maybe
trust someone with a minor thing, then you can progress more and more. I am
currently doing that. 

         When the world has not treated you kindly, it is hard to see it 
as a benevolent place. I understand where you are coming from. But, 
conversely, if you allow the negative stuff to own you, then you give up 
your power. If you spend all of your time being defensive, then everyone 
else has power but you. Think about it.    

 
> I learned that people don't like other people who are somehow different from
> them.  I learned that people don't like people who are particularly smart and
> who ask lots of questions.  I learned that people are cruel.  But worst of
> all, I learned that people were unfathomable:  I couldn't figure them out.

         I experienced this also. You can't imagine the relief when you 
finally find a group of people to call 'your own': people who are not 
afraid of ideas and people who are not intimidated by intelligence. 

         You know as well as I do: 2% of the population rules the whole
world. You are not going to find satisfaction with 'average' people. You
will not be satisfied to talk about other people's favorite TV shows and
where they went on summer vacation. I hate to sound like an elitist but
if you want prime rib, stop going to McDonald's. Start looking in your 
own element. 

> 
> So here I am today, alone as usual.  The only way I can learn things is
> by examining my surroundings and deriving information from my observations.
> And because I still have some remnants of my learning disabilities, I
> have to make these observations consciously.  The subconscious pattern
> recognition stuff has always been shot to pieces.  The only thing my
> subconscious is good for is repetitive stuff, like typing.

          If I may make a suggestion, and please don't take it as a 
flame, *get off the pity pot*! Get out and find a group o f people with
whom you are compatible. Perhaps you could try Mensa or a like-group. 
In the process of living in your own element, you will meet women who 
will appreciate you for who you are. But, get a clue! No one likes 
self-pity or whining. 

> 
> That's why I can't "use the Force".  It's why I'm "cold and calculating".
> It's why I can't read people.  It's why I can't use so much of that good
> advice that you guys have been giving me (and why you're probably so
> annoyed with me for saying, so often, "yes, but" :-).  It's why I *depend*
> on being correct, and thus why I'm so concerned *about* being correct.

          Correct can have a thousand definitions. It sounds to me as though
'correct' is not working for you because you are not getting what you 
want. If it's broke, fix it. Or as Nietzsche said (Yes, I know I misspelled
it) "If something is tottering, give it a final shove." You are obviously
not happy with the way things are going. So try something new. 

          You don't seem cold and calculating. If you were, you 
probably wouldn't have the insight to know it. You sound bitter. It is 
not up to me to speculate as to why that might be. I can tell you from
personal experience though, that bitterness will eat you alive until the
self-created venom finally kills you. In my case, it certainly made me
damn sick! Let it go! 

> 
> Okay, now I've described myself.  Now it's time for me to describe my
> situation.
> 
> I'm 28 now.  I'm working for a startup computer firm, so I'm not making a lot
> of money.  $20K is about right.  After I lost my job and had to quit college,
> I never have been able to stick with it long enough to get a degree.  I keep
> needing money, and computer science is demanding enough (even 6 hours of
> classwork requires close to 30 hours a week!) that I can't make money and
> get my degree at the same time.  It sucks.  Add to that the emotional problems
> I had a couple of years ago, which severely hampered my performance to the
> extent that I had to drop out of two different schools, and you might see
> why I'm seriously considering abandoning the entire process of getting a
> bachelor's degree.

         If it feels right, do it. 
> 
> Fortunately, my degree isn't particularly *necessary* if I run into the right
> people, which I have.  My employer doesn't value degrees.  He values talent
> and ability, which is why I have the job I have.
>
         Great boss! We need more of him! Is he available for cloning? ;-)

 
> Well, $20k isn't enough to do a whole lot with.  If I were living alone, it
> would barely be enough to live on.  So I'm not.  I'm living in the same house
> I grew up in and paying half the bills.  My father owns the place, and my
> mother and I are living there and paying the utility and maintenance costs.

         I live on less than 20K alone. You can do it if you want to. 

> increase my per-unit-time income somehow).  I suspect (but can't prove)
> that this eliminates a *lot* of people who might otherwise be very
> desirable.

         I don't see your income as a problem. If someone is looking for 
a meal-ticket, you are probably not the one to pursue. But -- do you want
someone who would look at you as a meal-ticket? Hardly! So the whole 
point is mute. 

         Just lighten up on yourself. You'll attract the right person whem
you are in the right place. 

> 
> You already know that my interests are all male-dominated (computers,
> science, fast cars, aviation, technology in general, etc.).  About the
> only ones that arent't is my interest in cats, but there's little to talk
> about there, and my interest in music (jazz in particular), which also
> yields little to actually talk about.  I have a couple of friends, but they
> are *also* computer types who don't really know many people (one is into
> ballroom dancing, and he knows a few people, but has not offered to introduce
> me, and the people he knows tend to value physical condition, which for me is
> relatively poor [6'3" tall, weigh 220 lbs. which is *not* muscle.  Could
> be worse, but could be better], so that's out), so I won't get anywhere
> via my friends.

          There are lots of things to talk about. How about your view of 
the world, politics, philosophy, life experience. Most people are more 
interested in talking about internal things rahter than external things
anyway. 

          Sure, it takes some effort. You may have to get out of you 
current comfort zone and learn about different things -- keep up on the 
news and so on --but it all depends on whether or not you consider it 
important. 

> 
> So that's who I am and what my situation is.  The next question, of
> course, is: what can I do about my single status while working within
> my limitations and situation?  Some of the suggestions have been good,
> and I can use lots more of them.

          Lighten up. Trust yourself and go do it. 




-reykjavik

                             The seeking of wisdom is the highest virtue-

                                                      --Odin--

> 
Newsgroups: soc.singles