From: potturi@cs.uh.edu (Rahi Prakash Potturi)
Subject: Re: INDIAN MEN and MARRIAGE
Organization: Computer Science dept.,  Univ. of Houston (Main Campus)
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 23:27:22 GMT

"An Indian Independent woman" writes:
<I have read many debates on the net reg.
<arranged vs love marriage and was amused that
<Indian students are wasting their time debating
<on this, when they don't practice it (love m'ge) at all.   

<I find 99% of Indian men still tied to MAMA's
<pallu, in other words, they DO NOT DARE to choose
<their own life partner. They might freak out here
<with Indian girls ( if they find someone) and with
<American girls too. But finally, when it comes to
<marriage, they run back home to choose possibly the
<prettiest of the living dolls they see in the numerous
<living rooms they visit and marry her in a couple of days.

I feel it is a gross generalization to say that, those all who
opt for arranged marriages are the "NOT DARING" type. Things are
not as simple as that. It might be a question of affection,
priorities, responsibilities, commitments, or simply a question of 
parents' choice falling in line with their own wishes, for many.

Love and Affection for their parents coupled with a respect for the 
decision they make with the knowledge that in any case they would'nt
want to choose someone incompatible because of their understanding 
of thier son's mentality/aptitudes etc. may be a good reason for many
to leave the spouse selection to their parents.

For a few others it is the case of responsibilities and commitments.
In the sense that, it may be that one cannot marry untill his sister 
gets married or his brother settles in life etc. or some such reasons because 
of which one might not want to venture out into an affair. When one is 
not sure about when he is going to marry, then how could he possibly 
approach a girl and propose? Will it be justice to ask her to wait till 
his problems are solved? And these are not imaginary problems. They
occur to many of us everyday and are very real.

There are a few for whom it is a question of priority. One's priority
list has Business,Academics etc. taking a higher place than marriage.
And by the time he thinks he is ready, may be it is a bit too late for
him to go out and seek someone. He would fall upon his parents to
search a spouse for him, which is much easier since it is an approved
and ususal way with relatives, friends, match makers etc. coming into the
picture.

For some others, their parents come up with someone who is just the
kind of girl that they are looking for. In which case all is well and
settled.

<I can attribute a couple of reasons for this:
<
<1. These guys don't like independent women as they prefer
<   DOMINATING over some docile creature who will have no
<   alternative but to tag with their whims and fancies.

I am not denying this. There are a lot of people out there who
are not at ease with an independent, well-educated woman and
would rather have her not as a wife. But, I may tell you though
that this is not a feature restricted to India. Male chauvunism 
has its roots spread all over the world.(Why is the American Media 
having so many problems accepting Bill clinton's wife as a package 
deal along with him?!)

<2. They are  terrified of the prospect of having to convince
<   their parents about their choice since most parents find some
<   objection to anybody their children choose in this manner.
<
This again is true to a certain extent. One would not want to
go on a collision course with his parents ONLY when he is  not
sure about his decision himself. To that extent it is true. But,
I do not think there would be many people who would rather forget
a girl who in their opinion is compatible and all that stuff, under
the fear that their parents may not agree. In the least they will 
want to give it a shot and try convincing/persuding their parents.

<There is also the category who are really "TOO SHY" to even 
<interact with girls, whose handicap I can understand but 
<the others, why are you bothering to give lame excuses for 
<preferring arranged marriages ( as some of u have done). 

Sure, there are a lot of limitations and maladies with our system.
But that alone cannot be a reson to dump it unceremoniously or to
embrace some alternative with blissful ignorance. Between the 
unnecessary and avoidable anguish of the extremeties, IMO, there
exists a solution that can save one of a lot of turmoil. Call it
a compromise, if you will, but it sure is a solution.

Adventurism might not be their cup of tea for many. And they do
find a solution without indulging in it. Importantly, it is not 
asthough all such people are maroons, cowards or escapists.
Nor is there any evidence to suggest that ALL of them are unhappy
with the choice they made. IMO, there are atleast as many happily
living arranged marriage couples as love marriage couples. There
are some pitfalls here, there are as many there.

Making sweeping generalizations unmindful of the backdrop of the issue 
and without considering the problem in depth is silly.

<Hope all of you agree with me, atleast at heart.

What I agree at heart, I have told you in so many words, as I did 
with what I donot agree.

<From
<An Indian Independent woman.
<					
<					-New User (newuser@cc.gatech.edu)


regards,

rahi potturi



Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian