From: kane@buast7.bu.edu (Hot Young Star)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: long-term relationships...success stories, please...
Date: 29 Dec 92 18:55:56 GMT
Organization: Astronomy Department, Boston University, Boston, MA, USA

>Joseph M. Gerkman (gerkman@binky.csc.wsu.edu) wrote:

>:...I kinda want to hear some success stories of long-lasting relationships...

At first I hesitated to respond to this, since my partner and I have been
together only for a third of a decade. But then I heard that of all couples
who legally married during 1989 (the year Mark and I met), 49% of them were
now divorced. I guess that gives me a bit of privilege, having outlasted
the near majority of our heterosexual peers.

The longevity is perhaps doubly significant given that we met through a
personals ad. Yes, they work sometimes! We were long delayed in meeting
each other, since at the time Mark's job took him far and wide, and he
was gone for a month before we arranged a first date.

He was none too anxious to see me for the first time, though. He had just
returned from California to find that his housesitter, despite his fabulous
gift of gab and his stunning clothing collection, was not too decorously or
domestically responsible. A month's worth of used condoms on the bed, and
unwashed dishes in the sink awaited Mark, along with the housesitter's
opinion that I had been "pushy" by calling for Mark twice that day before
he had returned.

Of course, I had good reason to want our first date that very evening.
There was a lunar eclipse, and the astronomer in me said "go for it".
Using my wily charms, I convinced him that he needed to get out of the
house and away from his housesitter, and he begrudgingly obliged.

Well, to make a long, VERY long, story short, we just celebrated 3 1/3
years together earlier this month with another total lunar eclipse. The
inter-eclipse period, as we now like to refer to our growing relationship,
has had basically three phases. The first year was the romance, the
gleeful abandoning of independence for the sake of love. The second also
lasted a year and began with our moving in together; it was a year of
adjustment and compromise. Little habits we hadn't noticed suddenly became
either extremely endearing or horribly annoying. We had some rough spots,
but we treated ourselves to a three-week Hawaiian vacation at the end of
two years together. The most recent year, the most recent phase, began with
the realization that (perhaps prompted by our vacation) that the passion had
indeed faded. This has had positive effects and negative effects on our
relationship. At first, we felt a little lost. What now? We would have liked
to have another couple for a role model, but our schedules had been so busy
as to leave little time for socializing; most of our friends were either
single or, if coupled, had not reached the stage where we found each other.
On the other hand, we took our parents and relatives as an example and
made the assumption that since they were presumably not sexually passionate
about each other anymore, they might perhaps accept Mark and me as a couple,
too. So this past year has been principally about coming out as a couple to
our families, and about keeping the relationship fresh.

On the latter note, we've had some success through reasserting our independence
in making our own, new platonic friendships. Setting a routine night of
the week where we "do our own thing" has been helpful. Personally, I need
this space, since Mark is a gregarious person with a desire for constant
audiovisual stimulation, and I'm more a bookworm and gym-freak. Sometimes it
hasn't been easy letting go of each other so as we can assert some mutual
independence, but we both recognize the need.

We're looking forward to 3.5 years come Valentine's Day [very convenient!---
:^) ], and perhaps once we reach 4 years next August we'll keep down the
anniversaries to the etymolically intended once-per-year.

***Since I mentioned our Hawaiian vacation, might I plug one of the places
we stayed? It was absolutely gorgeous, a little hideaway on the Big Island
of Hawaii. It's called Hamakua Hideaway, on the rainforest side of the
island, the Honokaa region. We found it through Damron's guide, unromantically
enough, which listed bed and breakfast locator services which were gay-
friendly. The couple who owns the cottage is straight, complete with a pair
of cherubic blond children, but they said they rent to gay couples a few
times per year, without any qualms. The cottage is in the hamlet of Kukuihaele,
and has a magnificent view of many waterfalls. The vegatation and birds are
absolutely astounding, and the whole rainforest scene is a welcome contrast
to the other side of the island, a volcanic wasteland which is far more
popular with the tourists and suffers from crowding and tackiness as a result***

Brian
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
kane@{buast7,astro}.bu.edu (Hot Young Star) Astronomy Dept, Boston University,
Boston, MA 02215. True personal salvation is achieved by absolute faith in
ones true self.
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