From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Newsgroups: uqcs.general,aus.general
Subject: Die, Cane Toad, DIE!!!!!
Date: 4 Jan 93 02:27:24 GMT
Reply-To: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Followup-To: poster
Distribution: aus

Hi there

[This appeared in rec.humor.funny recently, but for some reason it didn't
 make it to some parts of the world.  Reposted here for your enjoyment.]


   Cane toads were introduced into Queensland (Australia), supposedly to help
   control the cane beetle population.  It seemed like a good idea: the only
   problem was that it didn't work (although your average cane toad will
   give a rat a good fight).   Queensland has been stuck with this poisonous
   insectivore, which has become an unofficial mascot of our state.  It's not
   that we're obsessed with them...


From the news archives at the University of Queensland:


From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:34:21 GMT

ANTHONY: Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
ANTHONY:        
ANTHONY: Thank you 
ANTHONY: Anthony
ANTHONY: --
ANTHONY: Anthony Lee (Time Lord Doctor) (These are my opinions !)
ANTHONY: email: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au	voice:+(61)-7-3651204
ANTHONY: SNAIL: Department Computer Science, University of Qld, 
ANTHONY:        St Lucia, Qld 4072, Australia



From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:59:23 GMT

FARRELL: >Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
FARRELL:
FARRELL:  Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
FARRELL: there regularly any more. Be my guest.
FARRELL:
FARRELL: Friendless.



From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 02:29:56 GMT

WARWICK: >  Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
WARWICK: >there regularly any more. Be my guest.
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
WARWICK:
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Warwick.
WARWICK: --
WARWICK:  _-_|\      warwick@cs.uq.oz.au
WARWICK: /     * <-- Computer Science Department,
WARWICK: \_.-._/     University of Queensland,
WARWICK:      v      Brisbane, Australia.



From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 03:36:25 GMT

RALF: >Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
RALF: 
RALF: An old golf club that they don't racquet ? --- I don't understand  ;-)
RALF: 
RALF: Ralf
RALF: --Ralf Muhlberger--(ralf@rose.cs.uq.oz.au)----University of Queensland----
RALF: I wonder if other people can hear voices in their head. I certainly can.
RALF: I can hear one now. It's saying: "I wonder if other people can hear
RALF: voices ... "



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 11:43:23 GMT

ANTHONY: I don't know why you guys have to make it so complicated. 
ANTHONY: Look I am just to death of seeing cane toads outside the front of
ANTHONY: the CS building everytime I come in ok.  So I need an old golf
ANTHONY: club to hit them with.  I mean what else would you use a golf 
ANTHONY: club for :-) ?



From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:07:04 GMT

DAVO: >club to hit them with.  I mean what else would you use a golf 
DAVO: >club for :-) ?
DAVO: 
DAVO: Have you thought of the damage you could inflict on unsuspecting
DAVO: fellow human beings after they've been hit by a high velocity
DAVO: cane toad... Really Anthony ... I do hear that putting them in a
DAVO: freezer is a good way of killing them, So I suggest you hit them
DAVO: with a freezer. ( If nothing else it does a lot more damage. )
DAVO: 
DAVO: Davo.



From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:42:11 GMT

RALF: Now that is a good idea! So I suppose the question now is if anyone
RALF: has an old freezer they don't want anymore.



From: da@cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 01:29:09 GMT

DA: Well davo has a fridge here on the fourth floor.
DA: 
DA: Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
DA: the workshop window ...
DA: --
DA: -da@cs.uq.oz.au-------------------------------------------------------------
DA: Having trouble knowing which way to dress?
DA: Don't dress to the left! Don't dress to the right!                       
DA: Dress like me .. Dress for success!      - SHITSU TONKA (For swingers only!)



From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 10:07:47 GMT

FARRELL: >Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
FARRELL: >the workshop window ...
FARRELL: 
FARRELL:  I think Anthony wants to kill the toads himself. Therefore *he* should
FARRELL: assemble below the window and catch it and take it to the toads himself
FARRELL:
FARRELL: BTW Anthony, what's wrong with a cricket bat? Why choose an elitist
FARRELL: Japanese-style item of sports apparatus to kill toads?



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 05:59:22 GMT

ANTHONY: Nothing wrong with a cricket bat, in fact if anyone has an old cricket 
ANTHONY: bat I will gladly use it.  I have a confession to make, it is not just
ANTHONY: the toads outside the department that's giving trouble.  There are
ANTHONY: hundreds of toads outside our new house in Corinda.  Just the other
ANTHONY: night I used an old umbrella to kill one.  Boy, those things are hard
ANTHONY: to kill.  I hit it a few times but it refused to die.  Eventually I
ANTHONY: used the tip and went for his lungs.  He died, see I had to do it, my
ANTHONY: dog was coming and he would have tried to eat it.  Also I have no more
ANTHONY: room in my freezer :-).



From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 21:12:21 GMT

RHYS: I should report you to the TLAQ (Toad Lover's Association of Queensland).
RHYS: Golf clubs, cricket bats and falling freezers are condoned in the charter
RHYS: of the TLAQ, because the toad still has a fighting chance.  But umbrella
RHYS: tips? That is just too cruel.  You are a sicko!  So what if your dog eats
RHYS: a toad and dies?  That's just natural selection at work.  But umbrellas
RHYS: are not natural.
RHYS:
RHYS: Help stamp out umbrellas in the war against toads!
RHYS:
RHYS: :-)
RHYS:
RHYS: Rhys.
RHYS:
RHYS: +=====================+==================================+
RHYS: ||  Rhys Weatherley   |  The University of Queensland,  ||
RHYS: ||  rhys@cs.uq.oz.au  |  Australia.  G'day!!            ||
RHYS: ||       "I'm a FAQ nut - what's your problem?"         ||
RHYS: +=====================+==================================+



From: da@cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 23:07:54 GMT

DA: > ..  Eventually I used the tip and went for his lungs.  He died, ...
DA: 
DA: Yes, and often even this doesn't kill them. I'll bet he wasn't there in the
DA: morning. Hopefully, a solution to this obnoxious little pest will arrive
DA: soon. Until then ...
DA: 
DA: F O U R !!



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 17 Feb 92 00:36:08 GMT

ANTHONY:> >... I'll bet he wasn't there in the morning ...
ANTHONY:
ANTHONY: Oh yes he was there in the morning (at least his body was).



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 11:48:59 GMT

ANTHONY: I recently moved from St Lucia to Corinda and I found a few
ANTHONY: pieces of pottery that I've made in high school.  I was thinking
ANTHONY: of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ANTHONY: Come to my room and have a look if you are curious.  I will give
ANTHONY: them away for $2 each.  What a bargain !



From: adrian@cs.uq.oz.au (Adrian Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 20:13:51 GMT

ADRIAN: > pieces of pottery that I've made in high school.  I was thinking
ADRIAN: > of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ADRIAN: 
ADRIAN: Why not use them on cane toads?  Depending on the weight of the
ADRIAN: "art objects" they could either be used as projectiles or for crushing.
ADRIAN: 
ADRIAN: Adrian



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 18 Feb 92 01:21:42 GMT

ANTHONY: I also have some paintings forsale too, I don't know if they are 
ANTHONY: any good for killing cane toads.



				[SIX MONTHS LATER]



From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery and paintings give away
Date: 25 Aug 92 22:28:06 GMT

ANTHONY: I am about to move desk and I want to give away a
ANTHONY: collection of fine paintings and pottery pieces.
ANTHONY: Yes, they were already at the low price of $2 a
ANTHONY: piece but now I am giving them away.  Yes, it is
ANTHONY: unbelievable that I am giving away such fine
ANTHONY: pieces but I have no room for them.  
ANTHONY: 
ANTHONY: Come to room 706 and inspect them for yourself.
ANTHONY: There are no hidden extras.  Think of the time when
ANTHONY: you wish you had a paper weight.  Think of the time
ANTHONY: when you want to throw something at your dog to
ANTHONY: stop it from barking.  Summer is coming and you
ANTHONY: need something to drop on cane toads.



From: sarge@cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming)
Subject: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 01:48:51 GMT

SARGE: .
SARGE: --
SARGE: -------------------------------------------------------------------------
SARGE: Leap before you look.                      sarge@cs.uq.oz.au
SARGE: The Lemming.
SARGE: -------------------------------------------------------------------------



From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:43:08 GMT

RHYS: In uqcs.test sarge@cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming) writes:
RHYS: 
RHYS: >.
RHYS:  ^_____	This is a cane toad before being hit with a fridge.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  *	This is a cane toad after being hit with a fridge.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  o	This is a cane toad that has been spiked with an umbrella.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  ^	This is a cane toad hopping away from certain doom at the hands 
RHYS: 		of Anthony Lee.
RHYS:
RHYS:  <	This is a cane toad heading out over the back fence at great
RHYS:		speed after being hit with a golf club.
RHYS:
RHYS:  >	This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence.
RHYS:
RHYS:  ~	This is a cane toad after being run over by a car (tire tracks).
RHYS:
RHYS:  _	This is a cane toad that has been run over by a steam-roller.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  +	This is two cane toads in the middle of the road that have been
RHYS:		run over while increasing the cane toad population.
RHYS:
RHYS: Can anyone think of any more? :-)



From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:56:30 GMT

MUZZLE: >Can anyone think of any more? :-)
MUZZLE:
MUZZLE:		This is the cane toad that has been redirected into /dev/null.
MUZZLE:
MUZZLE:  0	This is a cane toad after being hit by a hunting arrow fired
MUZZLE:		from a 200lb bow.
MUZZLE:
MUZZLE:  ~~~~=>	This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence at great
MUZZLE: 	speed after being hit with a golf club after being set on fire
MUZZLE:		after having kerosene poured down its throat through the straw
MUZZLE:		you inserted just after hitting it with a hammer so that it sat
MUZZLE:		up nicely.
MUZZLE: 
MUZZLE: You asked.
MUZZLE:
MUZZLE: Murray
MUZZLE: --
MUZZLE: Murray Chapman                          muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
MUZZLE: Department of Computer Science,
MUZZLE: University of Queensland,               How many lightbulb jokes does
MUZZLE: St Lucia, AUSTRALIA                     it take to change the subject?



From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 03:18:03 GMT

MUZZLE: The Pine Rivers Shire Council has a semi-annual toad cull... and this
MUZZLE: year they published a list of what NOT to bring to the hunt:
MUZZLE: 
MUZZLE:         - golf clubs
MUZZLE:         - spirit torches/flame throwers
MUZZLE:         - cattle prods
MUZZLE:         - baseball/cricket bats with spikes driven through them
MUZZLE:         - metal rakes
MUZZLE:         - bows/crossbows
MUZZLE:         - bicycles/motorbikes/motortrikes
MUZZLE:         - scythes
MUZZLE:         - pitchforks
MUZZLE:         - lawnmowers (including manual, electric, petrol, and ride-on).
MUZZLE: 
MUZZLE: Thought you'd like to know.



From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 07:16:31 GMT

WARWICK: Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are...  do we still pull the wings
WARWICK: from flies too?



From: tonyg@cs.uq.oz.au (Tony Gedge)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 11:12:13 GMT

TONY: >Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are...  do we still pull the wings
TONY: >from flies too?
TONY: 
TONY: Only while I'm waiting for the coffee machine to stop dripping...
TONY: 
TONY: Tony Gedge.
TONY: 
TONY: --
TONY: | Computer Science Department,       |  tonyg@cs.uq.oz.au   (Tony Gedge) |
TONY: | University of Queensland,          |  -------------------------------- |
TONY: | Australia.                         |  "cc stands for Cryptic Crossword"|
TONY: | FAX: +61 7 365 1999.               |  PH : +61 7 365 2445              |



From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 22:36:33 GMT

DAVO: Only so that we can, drop fridges on them, hit them with golf clubs, burn
DAVO: the with flame throwers, etc. :-)



From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 3 Sep 92 05:51:42 GMT

MUZZLE: ...and then feed them to toads?



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contributors:

Anthony Lee, John Farrell, Warwick Allison, Ralf Muhlberger, David Reeves,
David Anderson, Rhys Weatherley, Adrian Lee, Michael Sargent, Murray Chapman,
and Tony Gedge.  Department of Computer Science, University of Queensland.

--
Murray Chapman                          muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Department of Computer Science,
University of Queensland,               How many lightbulb jokes does
St Lucia, AUSTRALIA                     it take to change the subject?
--
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
  Murray Chapman                           muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
  University of Queensland                 How many lightbulb jokes does it
  Brisbane, Australia                      take to change the subject?
Newsgroups: aus.general