From: hbonney@io.Tymnet.COM (Hugh Bonney)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.asian.american
Subject: Re: No more ``sour grapes'' please!
Date: 14 Oct 92 07:48:33 GMT
Organization: BT North America (Tymnet)
Originator: hbonney@io


  >ZQH@psuvm.psu.edu  writes:
  >..how can she (AF) form a real bond with you (CM), considering you (CM)
  >have NO common culture background with her, not to mention the language
  >barrier (your only advantage is the U.S. citizenship, so she can get
  >the Green Card easily and quickly)?  Don't think you (CM) can develop
  >the relationship with her further, as an American (CM) whined in
  >soc.culture.china early this year.
  >...  P.S.:  The ``you'' didn't mean anyone, just a generic term.

  I believe this overlooks a few things, like this is 1992. I know that
  since I came to California 10 years ago, a software engineer, most, not
  all of the women I meet and work with everyday have been from H.K. or 
  Taiwan. I have found that most of their values in life that could wreck
  marriage are not different from mine - the value of education, money,
  family ties, taking care of parents, etc. Also many California people
  (CF/CM) bounce off one another like pool balls on a break; I don't know
  of anyone in my family like that. Further, I'm not fussy about everyday
  things which is not virtue but temperament. One thing is that I expect
  an equal partner, which is not universal perhaps. So I was open to the
  idea. And Chinese history and art are as diverse and interesting as
  European to read, as I've been doing.

  Upon my marriage in the PRC, I received the following email from a 
  friend originally from Peru (I didn't perceive the implied warning):
   "..The cultural distance between the two of you may not be that large
    (after all, both products of international science and commerce),
    but I always sense that middle-class Americans have no idea what real
    difficulties are, and that makes them look invariably naive in the
    face of the life experiences of nearly anyone else. ... Let me
    congratulate you again, and hope that we all meet  ...

  I met the her in H.K. where she worked. She had an Engineering degree,
  English study, and seemed cosmopolitan. I spent months in H.K. visiting
  her; all told, the whole adventure took nearly two years and over
  $18,000. Of course, my degree of entire belief was really stupid. Many
  PRC students have similar problems with people they meet through their
  own families; why should I be lucky?

  >If you (CM) are so good, why don't you (CM) get your own kind (CF),
  >with whom you have everything in common, and develop the relationship,
  >instead of taking advantage of your U.S. citizenship???
  The recent legislation regarding US visas for PRC students here prior 
  to 4/11/90 is being mercilessly exploited by many people from the PRC.
  Yes, clearly there are total jerks from the USA also.

  I hope the writer will think about this further; that "own kind" remark
  sounds unintentionally like KKK'ers. A question? In Mountain View I see
  many probably Chinese couples sometimes including women who are darker-
  complected than others. Many of these are (IMHO) very pretty and 
  attractive. These women are always with men of similar appearance or
  non-Chinese men.   Why?

  >.. daily chat like ``let's go to bedroom'' is not the problem, but
  >how about the exchange of deep thoughts?
  Isn't this really where we all finally have so much in common? Can
  you find someone, not your background, who thinks, knows her own
  culture somewhat, and is somewhat introspective? Maybe you have more 
  in common with her than you think. Maybe if you think you are really,
  really different, it's your problem :-).

  My Ex- came to the US, acted like someone stuck in a railroad station
  waiting room overnight and soon disappeared. Shuying then showed up 
  in Reno with an Englishman she thought was rich, etc., divorced me, 
  and got a UK fiance visa instantly (!). She is now in a Leicestershire
  village with nothing Chinese for km's. Her parents write (now from 
  Guiyang) and say she can't get a job (not supported??) and want me to
  bring her back here. Not easy, apart from the question of whether it's
  a good idea. It only takes 1 year for permanent residence on marriage 
  in the UK (here, 2 yrs); they seem to think she will leave there, too.
  Has she a clue? Who knows? Kind netter's supplied me with a sort of
  checklist that would have helped a lot. This post is too long to include
  it :-)!  (& this is scaa)                            --- Hugh
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