From: rlt@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (Minstrel)
Subject: Re: RIP
Organization: DoberPuppies(tm) Unlimited
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 17:13:49 GMT
Keywords: more


In article <1992Dec14.201828.14228@data-io.com> li@Data-IO.COM (Phyllis Rostykus) writes:

>In article <Bz4KGA.BvA@news.cso.uiuc.edu> trumpins@alexia.lis.uiuc.edu
>(Barbara Trumpinski) writes:
>> kitten, tears streaming down her face, sends her glass after liralen's
>> and holds  out her arms for a hug...

>Liralen hugs her back gently, and some of the patron's might be shocked to
>see that her eyes are completely dry.

>She then turns back to the crowd.  "I have..." Liralen's smile goes
>crooked, "I need some help.   I have a friend who is dying of cancer.  He
>has a wife and three kids.  He will be gone in the next month or two, if
>not before Christmas, even.  Anyone have any *good* ideas about what a
>group of 25+ friends might be able to do for him and his family before he
>goes?  I *really* could use some ideas.  We're all in too much shock to
>really think of anything at the moment."

Minstrel has been listening to the recent discussions of death and loss.
Too much suffering...she hasn't Liralen's gift of acceptance, and her eyes
brim over much too easily.  With a great effort, she rises from her corner
and approaches Liralen, offering a hug.

"I don't know if this will help...it's just some random thoughts, based
on the experiences and fears of my father, when he learned my mother was
going to die and leave him with 2 small children to raise, and my cousin,
who was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago.

"The biggest concern my cousin had (and probably my mother, though I was
too young to understand it) was for the family that would be left behind.
My father was just stunned by the realization that he would suddenly be
responsible for raising 2 children, all alone.  Perhaps the best gift
you can give your friends is yourselves.  Properly packaged, of course."
She manages a weak smile.

"It may seem corny, but how about 'gift certificates', redeemable for
baby-sitting, running errands, driving the kids places, fixing the
car, household chores, all the things that are usually shared between
spouses?  You could probably get some printed up fairly inexpensively,
that would look quite nice.  Or long-distance gift certificates so the
wife can call when she needs to talk, without worrying about phone bills?
Most likely, money is going to become a big concern.  Maybe open a trust
fund for the children - with 25 of you, if you each chipped in $20 you'd
have a good start.  Perhaps a committment to chip in another $20 each
Christmas (birthday, whatever) as long as you're able.  Granted, it won't
pay for a college education, but it might pay for some books or lab fees.
And, most importantly, it's a tangible promise that you'll be there to
help the family after their father is gone.  It's so easy to say "If
there's anything I can do..." but it's often hard for the person in need
to take you up on that.  So, let them know now that you'll be there for
them - then look for opportunities to help out.  Perhaps, occasionally,
ask them to reciprocate in small ways - just enough so they don't feel
awkward about 'accepting charity'.  Hire the kids (if/when they're old
enough) to babysit, rake leaves, shovel snow...Help them help themselves.
Of course, you'll always want to be available to talk to...but from my
experience as a child in a similar situation, it's easier to talk to
someone who's around anyway, helping out, instead of a more remote
'friend of the family'.

"Another thing you might want to do, is talk to your friend about all the
things he would like to tell his children.  Tape record him, or let him
dictate a letter (if he's not up to writing it himself).  Preserve his
words to his children, and his wife.  Later on, these may be a great
comfort to them.  I've always wished I had something like this from my
mother, to enable me to know her better...

"But don't pretend nothing's wrong...and don't wait till Christmas.  The
best gift you can give your friend is peace of mind, the knowledge that
his loved ones have true friends who will help them through."

-Minstrel-