HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: re: hints for SO's
Date: 11 Sep 92 20:53:41 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center

I saved it too, I hope that was okay.
I also sent it, stripped, to my xSO who I had all the problems with
I felt it might help HIM understand what I was going thru and 
that I was *NOT* alone in it....

but, I probably should have asked first. Sorry.

-brandywine
 

"And there's not enough room in this world for my pain
 Signals cross, and love gets lost and time past makes it plain
 For all my deamon spirits I need you the most
 I'm in love with your ghost"

-_Ghost
The Indigo Girls

-- 
 

"And there's not enough room in this world for my pain
 Signals cross, and love gets lost and time past makes it plain
From: enigma@netcom.Netcom.COM (Enigma)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: time lag and re:technical comments
Date: 5 Sep 92 18:58:44 GMT
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Service

In article <Bu2po1.150@twwells.com> anon-1186@twwells.com (Lavender) writes:

> same someone also posted about having a "!" and a "@" in the
> address... that a workaround was to put a \ before the ! ...
> I have found that to work too...so I post to
>	   khijol\!anonasar@saturn.upl.com

If you're on a Unix system and you use the C shell, you have to put a "\"
in front of the "!" because "!" is a special character in the C shell.
For example, if you type "!!" it means "do the last command again".  So
you have to put a "\" in front to tell it you really mean the character
"!" instead of the special code.  Doesn't have anything to do with the
"@".
-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)
From: v130py5w@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Renee M Sparling)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: sinking big time
Date: 10 Sep 92 14:07:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

>Poohbear made a contract with her therapist tonight that she would not
>cut herself or kill herself.  She left for most of the session and got
>the therapist very worried and didn't want poohbear to be able to go
>home.  I hate all this and myself and why the fuck can;t i just get it
>together.  sometimes i have it so together.  therapist (i hate that
>word, does it freak others out that it says the rapist???) also said
>she didn't think starting the semester was good for poohbear.
> 
>just forget it

NoNoNO don't forget it!!! Please talk to me, send me e-mail, send me hate mail
i don't care but please don't kill or hurt yourself.
I care about what happens to you! Don't hate yourself hate them, they are the 
ones to be hated the perps. You don't have to get it all together, just a little
bit at a time, don't take on to much!
If you don't want to start school than don't that decision is yours....
When you feel your hatred pooling up focus it on what you would do to your perps
if you could, dropping them in a vat of acid and watching them scream as their
flesh melts, breaking there bones one by one.....if ya want anymore ideas i've
got plently!
please write me, i'll listen and write back, you can YELL, ramble, talk, cry...
i'll be hear to listen and help if i can

E*Hugs and love and peace to poohbear!!!

ReNeE
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: too much, not enough not a spoiler this time
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date:  9 Sep 1992 08:23 EST  

In article <BuA03z.BEv@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine) writes...
>Just wanted to post this... hope it isn't inappropriate.

I'm glad you're feeling better, Brandywine.  And it's not inappropriate to 
tell us that you are.  It helps me to know when others are moving forward.  
It gives me courage to continue when I know that others *are* going forward.
Just the thought that there *is* a forward is helpful.

Gentleness to all!
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com (Walter Moore)
Subject: SO's group (was Re: Hints for SO's (Spoiler Warning))
Reply-To: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com
Organization: Amoco
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 14:12:04 GMT

In article 8250@q7.tessi.com, joey@q7.tessi.com (Joe Pruett) writes:
>i'm happy to see some of the so's coming out of the woodwork.  i've
>been lurking around for more than a year, and i think that maybe it
>would be a good thing to create alt.sexual.abuse.partners or something
>in that vein.  there are a lot of things i would like to talk to other
>partners about, but i think they could cause quite a ruckus if
>discussed in asar (spoilers or not).  what do you all think?

There are SO's who have been abused. Hmmm...

when I first read this suggestion, I thought it would be a bad idea, but the 
more I cogitate, the more I think it would be a good idea. I would prefer to 
see it named something along the lines of alt.sexual.abuse.significant.others,
or maybe alt.sexual.abuse.recovery.significant.others.

There ARE issues that I, as a SO of a person recovering from abuse, would 
not mind sharing that *I* think do not belong in a.s.a.r. 
A.S.A.R.S.O would be for things like getting support for SO, rather than 
for the people who were abused. There would probably be a lot of cross over 
of subjects between the two groups, but I still think it would be a good idea.

If we were to take the SO posts to another group, would the SO's stop posting
supportive notes in A.S.A.R? I don't think we want this to happen.

Other commnets?

---
TTYL & TANSTAAFL ---------------- Walter Moore 
      Internet: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com

..SCUBA divers do it with depth...blub...blub...blub...
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Day 2, Chapter 4
Date: 13 Sep 92 12:52:00 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

> 
> Why are you bothering to read this?  It's not like anyone actually *CARES*!  
> Hell, I can't kill myself now anyways.  I owe too many people too much cash,
> and I were to die, my folks would probably declare bankruptcy, since I wouldn't
> pay my loans to them, and then the expenses...
> 

If no one cared, there would be no ASAR. There are others who go through 
similar situations. We read this to help each other.

E-hugs to all who can accept them.
Erin Sue
From: tdelaney@penn.Gwinnett.COM (ted delaney)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ramblings...confused/scared heart
Date: 7 Sep 92 03:19:38 GMT

(I know I said I would stay away, but I have been scanning)
and if the 'old shit' starts up again, fuck it- I will personally flame away...

with all that said and done, I just had to post/type (do you ever hate to call
your therapist? I feel like I only call her when I am sad/bad/depressed...
guilty??) anbd its late and I hate to waker her....(sometimes she picks up
instead of the answering machine and I hate to wake her....

anyway, I am sorta/kinda considering a major move (IF they offer me enough
money) but it is starting to overwhelm us...
safety? therapists? (I reaaaaaaaally don't want to tell a prospective new
employer (via employee benefits/health claims) about mpd/survivor stuff, but
I worry about finding a therapists (hell, I haven/'t even TAKEN the job and
yet I am obsessing like hell......)
gee, I am lonely and not liking where I am NOW, but what if I move far away, will
it get better? will I be even MORE a-lonely....

went to another city with some friends this weekend (this segues back- hang
 in there)
this weekend....well, my main alter (he is 8) really likes a friend of mine
('sorta a 'big brother/uncle' thing- (and yeah, there is a teensy bit of a crush)
this guy is a BIG lug of a guy.....well, he was there with his lover. my alter
was reaaaally wanting to say hello/get hugs/maybe a bedtime story (the best
friend does that once in awhile on the phone....) well, all he got was a hug
 one night.and a 'i'm kinda busy'
made me feel like crap AND my alter feel, well dumped on (he has more time for
his lover....) the 8 year old is confused by this, and it doesn't make it
any easier to explain as I am kinda pissed at him....
well, it made me/us LONELY....dammit I am a survivor....I could make it in
another city.....but does anyone else struggle with this?
(yes, this is a weekly thing with me....)
sigh.
Ted and Random and well, friends.
From: falcao@felix.metaphor.com (Ronnie Falcao)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Self-defense class?
Date: 7 Sep 92 07:55:43 GMT
Organization: Metaphor Computer Systems, Mountain View, CA


 joannee@fscott.UUCP (Joanne Eglash) writes:
>
>Has anyone taken a self-defense class, such as Model Mugging,
>or perhaps something such as karate or other martial arts?
>I am debating enrolling in a karate class, because I think that
>the feeling of being able to fully defend myself against any
>attempted assault would help me feel protected. I have a lot of
>fears about taking that class, though, and going through what
>I think would bring up a lot of memories. I'd appreciate hearing
>from other survivors who have taken such courses ( or  are currently
>enrolled) and how it has been for them.
>
>Thank you very much,
>Joanne 


I took a Model Mugging class about six years ago.  I remember
one of the instructors telling us that she had become involved
with Model Mugging after she was raped; her Black Belt in
a martial art had not been adequate to protect herself.
She then talked for a while about how Model Mugging was
designed specifically to teach anti-rape strategies and
defenses and that it was more effective for this than
martial arts.  All in all, I thought it was a great class
and would recommend it.

At the beginning of the first class, the instructors specifically
asked that any survivors speak with them during the next break
so they'd be aware and on the lookout for potential survivor reactions.

Although Model Mugging is good for learning self-defense,
it's very different from most martial arts in that there's
not really any associated spirituality or mental discipline.
So you may want to think about what you want to get out of a
class and discuss this with the instructors.

	- Ronnie

falcao@metaphor.com

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
Subject: Re: inspirational writings, etc.
Organization: Claremont Shelter for Maladjusted Singers
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 16:00:16 GMT

In article <koepp.2.715963351@cc1.unt.edu> koepp@cc1.unt.edu (Cynthia Koepp - Computing Center) writes:
>Hi.  This is my first posting to this group--I hope I'm doing it right!

Welcome!

>Anyway, I was wondering whether anybody else out there has favorite books, 
>poems, movies, etc. 

I became reacquainted this summer with one of Janis Ian's songs, sections of
which I've been using as encouragement to myself when I start feeling
badly.  The song is "From Me to You", and the relevant verses are:

"Those people who surround you only want to see you weak enough to crawl.
 They'll lie for you, decide for you, then buy up all your rights and all
	your wrongs,
 And they'll try to stop your singing in the middle of your song,
 For they do not want you free, and they will not make you strong
 But only drag you down in the hole they're coming from.

"They say you are foolish in wanting the sun,
 Say you are selfish in learning to run,
 Tell you that the darkness is a blessing in disguise
 For you never have to notice if you're sighted or you're blind
 And they'll do their best to keep you from the light."

And I've incorporated a third section into my .sig file (see below).

					Lydia

"You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
 You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			"From Me to You", Janis Ian
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Soprano (Lydia M. Uribe)                      uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu |
| Claremont, CA                                  uribe@hmcvax.claremont.edu |
|           Cats, quilts and diving -- what more could anyone ask?          |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: nightmares
Date: 14 Sep 92 23:58:42 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <009608DC.E445B7C0@BORN.PHYS.VIRGINIA.EDU>,
kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter) writes:

>Hmm... I have had people assure me that I should call if I need to...
>One of my "best friends" had told me to call if I needed to, and he
>knew that I would only call if I absolutely had to.  But several months
>ago it became "inconvenient" for me to call, it would be "better if I
>didn't call" and so of course I can't.  I've pretty much written that person
>off as a fair-weather friend.  (Note:  I don't think I ever abused his offer
>to call.  I think I also tried to not call until I had no choice.)
>
>I've also recently experienced a couple of people indicate that they don't
>want to talk to me when I'm feeling bad.  This has made me even more 
>reluctant to turn to anyone or let anyone know when I'm feeling bad.

Damn this sounds familiar...  Only it seems that just as I become convinced of
that, someone out there has to prove me wrong.  Be it an old friend who got
word of my condition, or someone fron the net, or...

+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | #include<sig.virus>        |   Suite 246             !
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |   Wheaton, Il 60187     !
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
| From the makers of "IBM Made Easy" is "Cray-2 Simulations On your VIC-20"  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: Re: too much, not enough not a spoiler this time
Organization: Purdue University SVM
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 20:11:57 GMT

well, first I want to thank everyone for all the support I got.
leaving people is hard for me, even when they hurt me... and being
able to write about it here helped a lot.

I had my first counseling appointment today, and I really think this
guy can help me help myself.  I ahve never had a male conselor today,
and it is a little wierd for me.  But, we talked, especially about the
brian thing, and set some goals for counseling.  I really feel better
about this guy than I have felt about counselors in the past.


But, the point of this post is to say, I am feeling btter now. Just
reaching for the help made me feel more empowered. COusneling is hard
for me because of the whole KEEP IT A SECRET and YOU AREN"T GOOD
ENOUGH messages. But it is easier this time than it was last time.

Just wanted to post this... hope it isn't inappropriate.

-brandywine
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cryst@belay (Crystal Bell)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 3...
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 15:10:20 GMT

        Okay people, how 'bout we look at this entire thing in a supportive 
aspect. Rather than trying to "change" what Jeff said, or trying to make him
feel bad for it. which I'm sure he probably does, How 'bout we just try to 
get on with the purpose of this newsgroup.  Besides, am I the only one who 
has noticed that after his initial post Jeff hasn't posted anything?
It seems to me that the comment was made to "throw us all off topic" 
What I mean is, (I have always been taught to look at people who make 
damaging comments or tried to hurt as having a "serious" problem inside that
needs to be dealt with. besides. There is the possibility that if there was
something said to his post-master, that he won't have access any more. right?
How 'bout we start to get back on topic:
Hurt, Hatred, Need,and most of all support. I for one don't feel comfortable
posting my true feelings, (Pain, hurt, hatred, confusion. ) unless I know 
that I will get support, because everyone seems to be paying too much 
attention to flaming Jeff. 
Don't get me wrong. It deserves attention. But shouldn't the flames be taken
to Mail. Besides like I said there is a chance that Jeff had his news 
connection revoked. (Or there IS the possibility that he is just sitting back
having a good time watching all of us talking about it. So how 'bout we 
return to our regularily scheduled, program, so we can actually continue,
supporting eachother. Eh???
        Just putting in my two cents worth.
                                        **Crystal**

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cryst@belay (Crystal Bell)
Subject: But I love him
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 15:40:31 GMT

        It's snowing, Boy the weather suits my mood today, grey,dismal,rotten,
etc.. I am depressed. despite everything ai said before about being happy.
It is the next morning. I have three things on my mind. 
1. One Week from today, last year a friend of mine died. It was a motorcycle
accident. He was going too fast to stop, hit a pickup,went flying into a house
near by needless to say, there was permanent brain damage done, he went into 
a coma and there was no chance of him coming out of it. His parents decided to
pull the plugs on the life support machines.  He was a terrific guy, He wasn't
the type to do stupid things. Then one day, about three weeks, before his 
nineteenth birthday. he decided to show off. Wow.

2. This one is sort of a good thing. About six months ago one of my best 
friends, was sexually molested by her boss, She told her boss's wife and 
she said " I don't see anything" 
Youre probably asking what is good about that. right? Barb reported the
incident to the police. Her report along with that of an earlier report of
another girl sparked an investigation. The couple was arrested two weeks ago
they presently have eleven charges between the two of them and at least two
more are pending. These people really deserve what they're gonna get. 
can't tell you more. until the trial is over but will keep you posted.

3. There is this guy I know who I really care about. Heck if no-one takes it
the wrong way you could almost say that I love him in a very special way. 
About a year ago he was raped. Now I suppose all you cynics out there are 
saying that it is not possible to rape a guy right? I knew because that's
what everyone else I've mentioned this to said. It is possible for a guy
to get an erection no matter how much he doesn't want to if you so the right
things to him. Anyway this has him terrified of the things that might happen.
now, just like any woman would be. anyway, to get to the point. I'm trying to
get him to open up and in the last five months I haven't been able to get
him to tell me about his feelings for me never mind, his feelings about 
anything else. I really love him and I wish there were something I could do.

well I have to go so I'll let you ponder the relevance of all this.
                                        **Crystal**
cryst%belay@uunet.uu.net


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: Re: Survivor in denial?
Organization: Purdue University SVM
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 06:55:26 GMT

I may have been wrong to advise patience and visibility,
but there was a reason I did.

too often, as a survivor, when I am in the most pain and dealing with
too many issues, I push those who would and could really help me away.

so, I said be gentle, make an effort, be visible... and give time

you all make great points, but from the other side, gentle reminders
that he is there and wanting friendship are important....

-brandywine
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: Re: confusion... what is fair?
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 22:57:45 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

[brandywine writes lots of stuff thats deleted ...]
>we hear a lot, or at least I do, about how a sexual abuse victim will
>never be totally healed. that depresses me

Yeah that has been something thats taken me down a few times.  But from
my experience its only a half truth.

It has been just over 2 years since Shelly first had inklings she was 
sexually abused, and about 1 1/2 years since I remembered my own abuse.
My life individually, and in relationship with Shelly is so much better
now than the best of times in the past.  I would not trade my life with
anyone's & and I have done serious comparisons and studies of trying to 
evaluate my quality of life and what would make it better.  I still have
periods of depression, and anxiety attacks. But I know what causes most of 
them and catch em early.  

In acknowledging and healing from my sexual abuse I've developed a hunger
for learning about myself and how to love myself and others.   So even though
I still deal with issues in my life I think the trade-off has been worth it.
As weird as it sounds at this point even if I could I wouldn't go back and
change what happened in my life.

BUT I was sexually abused when I was 13-15, at a boarding school, by a 
teacher.  I didn't tell my parents about it at the time.  My parents
have been somewhat supportive and as a child I was given a pretty good
sense of self-worth.  My two closest friends grew up their whole lives
in very abusive relationships.  Their healing journey has been much more
difficult than mine in many ways.  I think the worst thing you can do to
a child is steal their sense of worth in some perverse obscene attempt
to bolster your own self worth.

Take care Brandywine, it is a long intense, incredibly hard road,
but it does end - or if not end at least get to be a much more
pleasant road that meaders at times through whatever your vision
of paradise is :)  ehug if you want it 

fare Well 
m&m



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