HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Well, here i am, what now?
From: emiddlec@mora.gac.edu (Eric Middlecamp)
Date: 15 Dec 92 00:15:48 -0600

In article <1992Dec12.013219.16286@news.stolaf.edu>  writes:
>I posted an article in talk.rape a bit ago, to try to spark a little 
>discussion (it of course didn't work) and was refered to this here 
>news group. So, here i am.  I'm coming here, not to spark discussions but
>...

>I've been trhough counseling and still am, and have a good grip on the
>issues surronding my abuse.  The thing is, at times i find it popping up 
>everywhere.  For example just a few days ago a male friend of mine was
>extremly invasive with his touch, not so much as it was overwhelming,
>but nevertheless it scared me to death.  Since then i have hardly let a single
>person touch me.  

Can you tell him how it made you feel? It might help.

>Sex scares me becuase i want it to be something i want, and enjoy, not 
>something that i'm doing because i feel the other person needs it or 
>would enjoy it.  

Great! "Sex" doesn't scare you, your past experiences do! You have a perfect
notion of what sex should be -- mutual consent. I think, then, what you are
saying is that you are reluctant to try sex. That's fine. It can wait.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu (David Nelson)
Subject: Re: tired/ill
Organization: Iowa Computer Aided Engineering Network, University of Iowa
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.4.19
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 02:08:25 GMT

anon-1337@twwells.com (Riptide) writes:

>     I recede into my mind when i get scared of my emotions.

I know what you mean.  I do that too.  Intellectualizing is okay as
long as you don't over-do it, though.  Sometimes it's the only way to
get a handle on some truly volatile issues.

>worse.  Now i can't even eat or sleep properly.

>     Now i'm sick.  i guess my body gets tired of 
>being ignored so it retaliates.  I put so much
>energy into fighting myself (body,mind,emotions)
>i barely have anything left over.

Yeah, it takes a *lot* of energy to keep the lid on a lot of that
stuff.

>     Well, that is that.  I have to leave for a 
>while, because my computer is being disconnected
>and i'm awful busy.  But i'd like to use e-mail for
>the next week or so.

I'll miss you!  Hope you get back online soon.

>     I guess i just feel tired, and i'd like 
>some reassurance that i'm not a useless person.
>because i feel like if i can't even look after 
>myself, i'm not worth being looked after.

*I* think you're a useful person and worth taking care of!  I hope you
don't have to be gone from a.s.a.r for very long.

**********************************************************************
*     Any attempt to impose              David L Nelson              *
*     your will on another               dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu     *
*     is an act of violence.             anon-1454@twwells.com       *
*        -Mahatma Gandhi                 fist@chop.isca.uiowa.edu    *
*                                        an1096@anon.penet.fi        *
**********************************************************************
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Alaska & Enigma
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 21:15:30 GMT

anon-1383@twwells.com (Apple) writes:


>Enigma, I'm sorry that you feel that you have to quit posting,
>but I don't think you have to quit posting just over Alaska.
>After all.....she's just one person and I don't think she is 
>representative of the people on this newsgroup.  Don't let
>Alaska get you down......and Alaska, real nice post about
>Enigma.  I nominate you for asshole of the month award.....
>but I guess your brain gets frozen all the way up in Alaska....
>that is where you are from I take it.

apple:  what an incredibly insensitive thing to do!  how completely
inappropriate here.  (imho, of course.)  i think that was a mean thing to say
to alaska.  please note, that i am criticising your action, not you.  

>Enigma---------------hang in there. 

yes, enigma, hang in there.  crazyness like the above flame isn't the norm.
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: h234_035@ccvax.ucd.ie
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To Poohbear, the superperson.
Date: 10 Dec 92 13:01:39 GMT
Organization: University College Dublin

Poohbear, I've said it before and I'll say it again, people here care about
you. You are not unperson, you are superperson.
I believe that anyone who can come out of anything so terrible as childhood
abuse, and survive, as you are doing... Oh Poohbear it is just so fantastic
that you are alive.
I'm sorry, this isnt very coherent, what I'm trying to say is that we care
about you, and I believe you deserve the best that life has to offer, and I do
not mean the sharpest knives and quickest tablets, I mean contentment, freedom,
and even happiness.

I'm sending you as many e-hugs as you can accept.
*HUG*

Good luck, be happy.

[BOB]

Please note that I cannot receive private e-mail at this address, all replies
to me must be posted publicly.

[BOB]
From: anon-1349@twwells.com (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Hair pulling??
Date: 18 Dec 92 22:27:45 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

There has been a current exchange about cutting over the past few days that has
roused my curiosity about a different, but perhaps related, issue, hair pulling 
or plucking.  Since at least puberty I have plucked out hair (with my 
fingernails,
as well as with tweezers) 



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From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: starting to date
Date: 14 Dec 92 17:35:10 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


In article 9339@iscsvax.uni.edu, mccall3080@iscsvax.uni.edu () writes:
>        There is this person that I really like right now and I have asked him
>out, twice.  I posted about it a week or so ago.  I know he likes me too, but
>neither one of us seem to be taking the initiative in the relationship.  The
>other day we went to a concert and I couldn't even reach over and hold his hand
>even though I wanted to.  How do I get past that fear?  I want to, but is like
>an inner battle in my mind keeping me from even starting something.
>        I know that I need to take things slow, but if I don't even begin how
>is it supposed to progress?
>        Melissa

There is no rule that says you have to have physical contact right away.
The very fact that you went out with him is progress. And you asked him out,
which was a risk for you. Be patient with yourself. You *have* already
started!

-Seeker



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From: fskmt@darkhorse.acf-lab.alaska.edu (Rowan K. Shaman)
Subject: Oversensitive
Organization: University of Alaska Computer Network
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 19:18:00 GMT

      Never mind.  I was going to post something, but I'm feeling too  
screwed up to do it.  Sorry.
From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: new asar name
Date: 12 Dec 92 00:41:46 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

don't know if it would work to change asar name...but it is disconcerting
to find alt.sexual.abuse.recovery alphabetically listed with all the other
alt.sexual.pictures...ect that it falls next to.  kinda scary even.

this is one confused multiple, we keep switching anon services and anon 
names & I think part of it is that I'm finding a safety in not really letting
people know who I am at all -- posting under different aliases -- hiding
but also really needing to be here.

don't know how I'll resolve it yet -- also 'cause I feel like I never 
'spond to people & I want to & (oh goodness) I want asar people to 'like'
me and so I have to be nice to them.....ick.

don't know.  maybe soon I'll figure out where I want to post from and what
I want my name to be (finding one name to call us all is exceedingly 
difficult, let me tell you)

oh, just noticed -- asar.crisis sounds kinda like a neat idea.  don't know.

we like the support that comes from this list.  wish we had more energy to
offer more (we keep wanting to try and take care of people, but we know
that ain't the healthiest behavoir & maybe we can admit that we are going 
through HELL these days & need to take care of ourselves.  yeah.  maybe.)

and an alt.recovery.abuse  (or even alt.recovery.childhood.abuse) would
be a good thing.  there's lot of abuse that goes on in this world 
(unfortunately) and all of us survivors need a space for healing -- and
I can see how someone who wasn't sexually abused, but was physically
abused and stuff would feel uncomfortalbe in asar, but also want that space.

this is us.
we are angel & all through twwells (we like how we get pings of our messages
back through this server)  we aren't going to say who we are other places 
yet.  maybe we will.  

we are feeling mightlity distrustful...but some of that is bobbi.  she's one
of us and she is pretty mistrustful.  some of our friends say they like her
(!!!!!) we don't understand that.

thanks asar people for being here.

angel & all



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From: anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: See how the Child...
Date: 17 Dec 92 05:54:26 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


  -------------------------------------------------------------

          REACHING OUT - Kate Bush

          See how the child reaches out instinctively
          To feel how fire will feel

          See how the (wo)man reaches out instinctively
          For what (s)he cannot have

          The pull and the push of it all

          Reaching out for the hand
          Reaching out for the hand that smacked
          Reaching out for that hand to hold

          Reaching out for the star
          Reaching out for the star that explodes
          Reaching out for Mama

          See how the flower leans instinctively toward the light
          See how the heart reaches out instinctively
          For no reason but to touch

          The pull and the push of it all

          Reaching out for the hand
          Reaching out for the hand that smacked
          Reaching out for that hand to hold

          Reaching out for the star
          Reaching out for the star that explodes
          Reaching out for Mama

          Can't we see....?

          Reaching out for Mama

                                         (c)1989 Kate Bush

  --------------------------------------------------------------


|reachingout|



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From: anon-1474@twwells.com (Tito)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: BOB's bigger brother speaks... :-)
Date: 14 Dec 92 19:50:45 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi all,

I'm BOB's biggest brother :-). My real name is Chris - "Tito" is a
childhood name I had for myself...

**  Mild Spoiler Warning  **











Boo!





Wow! I am certain that I was raped by a neighbour, and so is BOB's next 
younger brother. But, it is not totally impossible that Dad is a perp 
too, although I would imagine that I would have remembered it by now if 
he did anything to *me*. I have been in recovery for a year now...

BOB, I am proud of you that after the pain and suffering that you have gone 
through over the past two years that you are *finally* getting a handle on 
it. As you well know, there have been many times over the past two years 
that we all have simply feared (sp?) for your life. I hope I am not speaking 
too early - I hope that you can now keep it together to reap the rewards of 
a wonderful life that I now reckon is ahead of you. As you know, I am a 12 
stepper, and a person who believes in the spiritual for my healing. You *do* 
have a lot of amends to make, but that will come in time, and it will be a 
*lot* easier than you think.

I know that BOB has had difficulty in reading the responses that all of you 
on asar have been writing to him. I hope by know that he has read some of 
them - I have counted about 6 or 8 responses... Know that you are not 
alone... (Phew - its cold, I know, but I am shaking like a leaf writing 
this...). As I have said, I am BOB's brother, and although I see him/speak 
to him infrequently, I *do* have access to e-mail, and I am willing to act 
as a "gateway" to him. Please note that I receive asar through a friend, so 
there is quite a delay before I see posts...

My "proper" e-mail address is phyobyrne@bodkin.ucg.ie

I am reading *all* of your posts, but the posts by BOB have a special 
relevance to me. And, as I have said to BOB, if he ever wants me to leave 
asar so that he can post without me seeing *what* he posts, I will do so.

Chris.   (phyobyrne@bodkin.ucg.ie  - and the anon-address given above...)



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu (David Nelson)
Subject: Re: A discovery by [BOB] (Please respond)
Organization: Iowa Computer Aided Engineering Network, University of Iowa
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.4.19
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 14:55:19 GMT

Hi Bob!  Greetings from a fellow survivor.

h234_035@ccvax.ucd.ie writes:

>Hi there people,
>I think I have come to a startling conclusion that I dont want to accept.

Me too.  Off and on and off again.

>I think I was sexually abused.
>I dont like the idea that I was sexually abused.

"don't like" is the understatement of the century!  At least it is for
me.

>If I was sexually abused then someone sexually abused me.
>Who?
>Unfortunately I think I know the answer to that question.
>My brothers would have me believe that it was a neighbour.
>I think it was my father.
>I'll address this to my abuser, whoever that may be.

>I HATE YOU.
>YOU AFFECTED ME SO MUCH THAT I DONT WANT TO LIVE.
>DAMN YOU.
>I DONT DESERVE THIS.
>DAMN IT WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU HURT ME?
>WHO ARE YOU?
>SHOW YOURSELF...LET ME SEE YOUR FACE

Could have taken those words right out of my mouth, depending on the
hour of the day, the phase of the moon, and/or whether I ate my
Wheaties that morning.  Which is to say, me too.  (Don't you just hate
it when people say "me too?")

>Sorry about that folks, I needed to let off steam.

No apologies necessary, Bob.  You're among friends on this newsgroup.
If anybody in the world can relate to this, it's me and a *lot* of the
others who read this.

>Please, please, please reply to this. I dont even know if what I say is
>reaching you.

This is my "ACK" to you, Bob.  Normally I do so in mail, but...

>Please note that I cannot receive private e-mail at this address, all replies
>to me must be posted publicly.

>Thank you.

You're welcome, and thank *you* for sharing your feelings.  You don't
have to be alone with it.  If I might make a suggestion, it'd be good
if you could somehow arrange email - I personally feel more
comfortable about going into subjects with more depth when it's in
private mail.  You might find more support available if you can get
email.

-Dave

**********************************************************************
*     Any attempt to impose              David L Nelson              *
*     your will on another               dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu     *
*     is an act of violence.             anon-1454@twwells.com       *
*        -Mahatma Gandhi                 fist@chop.isca.uiowa.edu    *
*                                        an1096@anon.penet.fi        *
**********************************************************************
From: popiels@foss.Colorado.EDU (POPIEL STEPHANIE LYN)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Abandonment *Spoiler*
Date: 15 Dec 92 06:35:44 GMT
Reply-To: popiels@foss.Colorado.EDU (POPIEL STEPHANIE LYN)
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder

I got so wrapped up in myself in my last post that I forgot to say -

KRIKKET, YOU ARE DEFINITELY WORTH IT!!!!

You are the one who (finally) got me to come out of my little protective shell, and I really appreciate that!

DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!

Stephanie (the Dragon)
From: anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: asshole
Date: 17 Dec 92 07:43:10 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

anon-1280@twwells.com (Alaska) writes:

>From: anon-1383@twwells.com (Apple)
>>and Alaska, real nice post about Enigma.  
>oh myg od, i nevernevernerever meant to hurt anyone
>>I nominate you for asshole of the month award.....
>yes youre right
>>but I guess your brain gets frozen all the way up in Alaska....
>>that is where you are from I take it.
>no but thats where im goiing
><sob>

That's right, Apple, fuck Alaska (join the club)

Alaska is dev/null.   

Alaska got tired of being blamed.
Alaska got tired of being flamed.
Alaska got tired of the guilt trips.

Alaska already has enough guilt to start her own religion.

Alaska got tired of apologising.
Alaska got tired of crying.
Alaska got tired of caring.

Alaska doesn't care if she lives.
Alaska doesn't care if she dies.
Alaska doesn't care if she goes crazy.

Alaska does care that her special place (name) has been smeared with shit.

Alaska didn't want to hurt anybody.
Alaska hurt someone very important to her.
Alaska was sorry for it.
Alaska suffered for it.

Alaska got tired of suffering.

Alaska can be found on a map.
Alaska cannot be found on ASAR anymore.

Alaska is ReachingOut to those who care, to those who don't judge,
to those who don't blame, to those who support, to those who
encourage, to those who hug.

Alaska wants to heal.
Alaska doesn't want the constant pain.

Alaska is dev/null.



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From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Grrr  Anger at family  ***SPOILER WARNING***
Date: 11 Dec 92 14:09:44 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hiho...  The anger in this message is directed at people in real life, not
anyone associated with ASAR...  But first the standard


******  SPOILER   WARNING  ******

This message contains venting of anger at my immediate family...


It's now 8am Friday morning.  It's part my bedtime.  (I'm usually in the sack
my 5-6am (work graveyard shift, ya know...)

I had a case of insomnia, and I also felt unsafe where I was...  So I threw on
some extra layers of clothing, and a bathrobe, and headed downstairs to the
family room.

I sat in front of the TV and began to vegitate.  Spike (our dog) decided to
climb up on the couch and sit next to me...  (He's a Shitzu (sp?) - A lap dog)
and I was staring at the TV not really watching it...

My mother was getting ready for work.  (Always there for ya, you know!)  She
stopped off and tried to talk to me breifly for a minute...

And I told her about a situation last week where I went over to a friends
house, talked about the stuff and had a breakdown where I was laying on the
floor crying holding on to their dog and giant teddy bear...

So naturally enough my mother assumes that I'm talking about some problems SHE
was having, and chides me for not leaving my load behind...

When I agree, it is ONLY THEN does it strike me that she has the wrong
impression, and wasn't really listening...

Shit.  I try to re-explain.  Not so good...  Methinks she doesn't really
beleive me, because I can wear the mask so damn well so often that she's
fooled.

Now that I'm off the Prozac, I am certian that it was throwing me into manic
states.  She tried (and would still try, if I brought the subject up) to
convince me that isn't the case...

Methinks I should simply stop trying to be myself around my family, and always
wear the mask.  That way I can't get hurt.  The important and sensitive stuff
will be well hidden, accessable only to myself and a few friends who have
proven themselves to be good confidences...

But I don't want to have to live a lie either.  But I don't see much of an
alternative.  Oh well.  Shit happens.  Life sucks.


Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi

      Showing up is 88% of life and 98% of edcuation
           (41% of all statistics are worthless)