From: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: qualities in men
Date: 11 Jan 93 05:23:15 GMT
Reply-To: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu
Organization: The Ghost Of Christmas Past Society


llama@tramp.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine) writes:

>the biggest killer for me is guys who just aren't interesting. either
>they're totally wrapped up in "why aren't i getting laid?" or their
>jobs or some little tiny aspect of their lives, or they just aren't
>good at expressing what's on their mind in ways that appeal to me. 

the trick for those of us who are on the quiet side, of course, is to
make that "interesting" side of ourselves visible to those we meet, which
involves finding something to hold their interest long enough to get past
the small-talky chit-chat stage.  you make it clear that you're in-tune
enough to try to get to know the person behind the persona, but many people
aren't so probing w/o an initial stimulus (be it looks, loneliness, social
demands, whatever).  of course, one can ALSO argue that those who don't look
beyond the form aren't worth our time, but that's another apple to pick.

>i like men who are interested in lots of things, who are intelligent
>and funny and sexually adventurous and who understand me (or at least
>try to). i think one of the biggest attractions is having a guy i
>think is totally cool think *i'm* fascinating and want to get to know
>me, want to crawl inside my head and watch my mind work for a while.

right on the button.  when someone expresses such an interest in *me*, I
tend to melt like the proverbial Ice Cream Cone in the Sky.  

intelligent and funny are THE winning combination, in my mind.  I'll address
the "sexually adventurous" in a minute.

>looks are nice (i have a thing for guys with long hair), but not
>everything. once there were two guys i thought were utterly sexy and
>lusted after; one was 5'8" and weighed about 120 pounds, the other was
>6'2" and weighed 250.  unfortunately, i only got to date the first
>one.

again, looks are handy when it comes to that initial-attracting-your-interest-
and-HOLDING-it-'til-the-ice-is-broken stage.  not necessary, but I wouldn't
want to turn down any advantage I could find.

my current girlfriend thought I was funny, sweet, and all those other goodies
when she first met me, but d'ya know what first caught her attention?  it was
the fact that I looked a lot like an ex-boyfriend of hers who was her only ex
who ever really treated her well.  once we got a chance to talk and do things
together, she fell for me as *me*, not as an image of the other guy, but it
really helped as an icebreaker.  any little detail helps.

>i like men who are a little dangerous, a little unpredictable, which
>does not translate into wanting to be abused. i just can't take anyone
>seriously who won't stand up to me and tell me i'm full of shit when
>i'm being unreasonable. men who are confident enough in themselves and
>their attractiveness to me to tell me to fuck off when i need to hear
>it amaze me. i like it. i like a little friction, a little
>unsettledness in a relationship. i'm a strong personality and need
>someone who's not going to allow me to run him over.

sometimes this DOES take a while to manifest itself.  I, for one, tread *very*
lightly in the opening stages of a relationship, 'cause I'm always scared of
coming on like a bulldozer and scaring the person off.  thus, until I become
comfortable enough with a person to be unafraid to say anything, I really
don't fit into the above category.  with the right person, this is one, two
meetings/dates/conversations/whatever at the max; it's all a matter of what
kind of rapport I get.

>this doesn't mean i'm into bullies or not interested in shy men. shy
>people can have a strong sense of who they are and when they're being
>pushed too far. and bullies are just boring after a while. i don't
>wanna be anyone's doormat.

this sounds a bit like the "why is 'I feel so... safe with you' the kiss
of death?" thread that went around in December.  if you're not a little
unpredictable or dangerous, the word "doormat" does come to mind.  
however, where does the line between feeling "comfortable/at ease" and getting
a sense of slight "danger/unpredictability" get drawn?  we all are capable of
reaching that latter camp when getting to know someone; the shy among us,
unfortunately, just take too damn long to open up that way sometimes, for
fear of getting burned.

I'm not selling it as a home game, but it certainly happens.  I've been on
both ends of the equation at different times.  Personally, while I love having
friends (same sex, opposite sex, whatever) with whom I can talk about anything,
it's a little touchier when the potential for romance exists, especially when
one isn't sure just how far they want to pursue friendship/romance/either.
it CAN all work out in the end.  if it was easy, though, this group probably
wouldn't be here. ;)

>this all boils down to me liking/wanting real people, men who aren't
>afraid to just exist as who they are without worrying about what
>effect that's having on me and my perception of them. men who can talk
>about things and listen to me talk and really care about what i'm
>saying.

amen to that.  those who can be that open and honest from day one are 
amazing in my eyes; it's a knack that I'd honestly like to learn, though
it probably revolves in large part around taking the inevitable occasional 
negative reactions from others with a grain of salt.  anyone can be "real"--
it just takes some of us a while to uncoil, warm up and say "I'm ready," 
though all we usually find is that the other person's already halfway down
the street. :)

		---jeff c., ncsu, still dealing with his new LDR.
		---"Stand up for your rights and, er, sit back down again."

--
     jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu      \\              To KLH:
 "I don't know where you took   --=--      Love ya, Katya!
 me, but I didn't want to leave."   \\  have clue, will travel.
       ---------------------------------------------------