From: slh@gtech.com (Sandy L. Haddon)
Subject: Hi Synthesis
Organization: GTECH Corporation, West Greenwich, RI
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 00:24:25 GMT

>From: anon-1403@twwells.com (synthesis)

>hi everybody.  i've been reading for ages now but haven't posted
>for a variety of reasons -- thought it might drag me into the subject
>deeper than i wanted to be, and wasn't sure i had anything much to
>add.  i'm not sure either of those reasons has changed much but i
>keep getting the urge to respond to particular posts so what the hell
>i figured i'd just post this once to introduce myself and announce
>i'm here and i can always bail out later.

Hi synthesis and welcome!
I read the paragraph above and I could be real envious right away.  :)
You are thinking pretty clear here.  For my own part, it took me forever
to realise these sorts of things in my life.  Still have the difficulty
with this black and white stuff.  Well done!  (Just kidding about the
envious stuff...)

>i chose my nickname because, for me at least [can you tell i'm
>female?] that's been my goal for getting a grip on myself.  i can't
>make the past or bad things go away but i don't want to shut out the
>future and good things, either.  

Again this is really great that you can know this stuff!  The fact is that
abuse affects you and that if you don't/can't/won't deal with it, it will
have an effect on the present, the future and the good things too.

>i have worked on reconciling the two
>and accepting the fact that all together constitute "me".  and however
>bad the past things i'm reasonably happy with the synthesized whole.

Super! Good for you!  

>i was a bit worried that posting here would make me revert into
>concentrating only on the past.  

This may sound really strange but nothing can MAKE you do anything.  There
have been posts that have stirred up some stuff for me and I had some
feelings as a result of that.  Previously my tools for handling those
kinds of stirred up feelings were not very nice: suicidal things and
just generic shut down.  What I have learned as I added to my tool-kit is
that I don't *have* to do those things.  I can do different and/or I can
do absolutely nothing!  

In addition, I used to worry that I would get engulfed in this stuff...
that is, if I let in, for example: one memory, I would be overwhelmed with 
them.  I figured that if I could manipulate it, I could maintain control.  

That didn't work because I based the entire idea on the fact that I didn't
trust me.  The way I think about it now is, "ok, that might happen...and 
if it does, what can I do to get my needs met at that time".  Then I make
myself a list which includes posting to a.s.a.r.   :)

>but i will try to keep the perspective
>i have worked hard for.  and this is really the only forum i can discuss
>these difficult issues in, so maybe it's necessary for my synthesis,
>after all.  

I look forward to discussing things with you.

>so i guess that all sounds a bit mystical and silly.  but that seems
>to be one of the advantages of a computer news group:  you can be
>as silly as you like and unless you manage to offend someone deeply
>nobody will likely give you a hard time about it.

"Silly" is sometimes one of the best ways to get the idea across.
"Silly" can be fun.

>oh well.  now that i'm officially here maybe i'll start responding on
>particular issues.  i'm not sure how helpful i can be on anything
>but i have Very Good Intentions :-) so hopefully that will suffice.

For me, the first time was scary too.  In light of some of the recent
threads, its scary right now for me but here I am :)  There are lots
of really wise survivors here and lots of kindred spirits with very good
intentions too.

-synthesis

Once again, nice to e-meet you and welcome!

San  :)

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