From: jordan@castor.cs.uga.edu (USENET's Chuck)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Subject: THE Mystery Science Theater DIRTY QUOTE FILE
Summary: I can't stop it I don't know how it works!
Keywords: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you...
Date: 9 Nov 92 23:54:24 GMT
Organization: University of Georgia, Athens
Originator: jordan@castor

THE (official) MST DIRTY QUOTE FILE

The list was designed for capturing, if but for a brief shining moment,
those vintage Mystery Science Theater 3000 references to sex (the act),
female anatomy (including, but not limited to, breasts), male anatomy (and
the uniquely male biological functions), sex (attempts to get the act
started), sexual perversions of all flavors, scatological references
(including, but not limited to, numbers 1 and 2), foul language and rude or
obscene gestures, and references to illegal drug use.

This has been compiled mainly from Richard Kulawiec's Sattelite of Love
mailing list, especially the "Kitchen Sink" quote file by Synth F Oberheim
(synth@dreamtime.unm.edu), and a whole mess of quotes contributed by John
"The Quack" Shull (jdshull@eos.ncsu.edu), who also co-edited the list, and
thought up the idea as well, honest.

I only started saving names recently, so I brutally hacked off some people's
sigs and so forth.  If you see your quote here and haven't received proper
credit, let me know!  Otherwise, bite me!

Chuck Jordan (jordan@castor.cs.uga.edu)

CATALINA CAPER:
	[all the guys are standing on the beach, looking at the Creepy Girl]
	Girl (to Tommy Kirk): So, are you coming, or what?
	Joel and the Bots:  Hmmm... (clear throats)

	[Four women in bikinis are shown standing in a line across a ship's
	railing.]
	JOEL: "Look, they're standing four abreast!"

	CROW: "Man, my corn is as high as an elephant's eye!"

	CROW: "Hey, look at the prow on *that* steamer!  Let's climb aboard!"

	JOEL: Come on--keep 'em comin'!  Monkey love pile on me!
	CROW: This must--be what they mean by five easy pieces!
	TOM:  Huh--oh, please!

	[Tommy Kirk has his back to a rock as Creepy Girl gets dressed behind
	it.]
	CROW: Hey, he's between a rock and a hard place!

	[As mormon guy stages a kissing contest on the beach.]
	CROW: Well.  There's really no way we can comment on this without
	getting into a lot of trouble.
	JOEL: We could use metaphor, I guess.

	[As Little Richard enters]
	JOEL: Get the funk outta my face!

	[One guy starts showing another how to wrestle]
	Joel: Well, when in Rome...
	Tom: Or Greece.


RING OF TERROR:
	[Lewis B Moffett gets into the car with his girlfriend after their
	date.]
	LEWIS: So, you wanna tell me why you're sore?
	ALL: Hmmm... (clear throats)

	Big guy: See there?  36 inches!!
	Tom Servo: Good.  Now about your waist.

	Some Girl:"Well, it's going to get pretty sticky in here..."
	Joel: "AH! Let it LAY, you guys!"

	[some girl is talking about her date the previous night]
	JOEL: "Did you touch it?"
	[Later, Moffit's girlfriend tells of her experience with a
	rattlesnake.]
	CROW: "Did you touch it?"

	(The fatties are eating (surprise) in the bushes)
	Tiny: (to RagDoll) "Lemme ask you a question!"
	Tom Servo: "Is this foreplay?"

	Joel: "Don't talk about rockets.  My missle's ready to fire!"

	Joel: (dubbing in for snake) "Hi.  I'm Satan.  This is what happens 
	when you do the hanky-panky before you're married.  We'll be right 
	back.

	Crow: (after Moffit kills Sata- er, the snake)  "Ah, now where was I?
	Oh, yes.  I had my tongue halfway down your throat."

	(Moffit's nightmare sequence)
	Crow: "Oh...no,...not the clown suit!...I'll take out the trash...
	Uncle Bob, get off me!..."


MASTER NINJA I:
	[Lee goes into Van Patten's Van to change]
	JOEL: If the van's a rockin'...

   	Max:   Halfway across the world was a man who was gonna change my
               life: John Peter McAllistaire, the only Occidental American
               ever to become...
	Crow:  Miss Japan.

        Holly: Wait!  Wait!
        Crow:  Demi Moore?!?  I've dreamed of her coming out of the woods 
               into MY Chevy van!

        (During cop/van chase scene)
        Holly: (to Max) Just don't stop!
        Joel:  Oooh, wowwwww!

	Sheriff: (inspecting McAllistaire's belongings)  Well, lookie here!
	Servo:   Size 8 petite!  A little...neglige, eh?  Eh, hee hee!

	(McAllistaire picks up pool cue)
	Crow:   8-ball...corner--
	Servo:  Er, ahe--,ahem!!
	Crow:   Well, you know the rest.  Heh heh!

	(Max is giving McAllistaire a ride in his van)
	Max:   Well, you better stay out of the emergency rooms 'till the
	       sheriff gets tired of watchin'em...Find someplace else.
	Crow:  (As McA. grins)  Ooo, you little dickens!
	McA:   Your home?
	Max:   (laughs) You're travelin' in it, Jack!
	Servo: You're jackin' in it, Trav--, um...

	Joel:   Y'know, say what you want, but Claude Akins has a nice rump.
	Servo:  Du'n he, though?
	Crow:   (As Akins looks back to camera) You guys talkin' about my butt?
	Servo:  D'ooo!
	Crow:   Ah, you crack me up.  I've seen your show.
	Servo:  Haha!

	(As police pull up at airport)
	Joel:   Uh, Mr. Akins?  Deputy wants to see your butt!

	(Ninja training session.  Camera pans upward from McA's feet on 
	tightrope.  As camera hits his crotch...)
	Servo:  Ah, we--, we really don't need to see that.

	(After Johnny Chan harrasses waitress)
	Servo:  Oh, Lee, don't worry.  She's used to it.  The Kennedys come 
	        here a lot.

	Jill:   Don't you just hate dealing with it?  An ex-hoofer with two
	        daughters...
	Servo:  Hooker?  Oh, 'hoofer.'

	(As Max talks to open-bloused Kelly)
	Crow:   Ah, you got, uh, D-cup or some, or, uh, DECAF!  DECAF!

	Chan:   Pick up the dancer.
	Servo:  That shouldn't be too hard.

	(McA. helping Jill to walk)
	Servo:  Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  You were fantastic, Lee!

	McA.:   Must be tough.
	Jill:   What?  Having a big sister that moves like an angel?  It's
	        a trip.  I watch her every night.
	Crow:   Oh, ah, hey, that's your business!  Huh!

	(Charlie Patterson answers phone)
	Joel:   Hello!  1-900-Dance Belt!

	Charlie:   When will my daughter be returned?
	Crow:      Hey, you said we could have her 'till Wednesday!

	Max:   How about a weapon?
	McA.:  (handing him a star) Hold it.
	Servo: No!  Not by the edge!  No!
	McA.:  It'll make you feel better.
	Joel:  If you put it in the right place.

	(During Ninja fight scene)
	Joel:  Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?
	Servo: Uh, oh.  I just passed wind in my suit.  I ask you, as a point
	       of honor, give me a second.

	(During film clip of effeminate hoofer)
	Servo: Oscar's back and he's Wilde as ever!



MASTER NINJA II:
	[they all enter Crystal Bernard's apartment, and she's wearing a
	semi-tight T-Shirt and standing profile]
	CROW: You've got a nice flat... er, apartment.
	
	CRYSTAL BERNARD: Big, brave girl.
	CROW: Well, brave anyway.

	TIMOTHY: I'll be back this way for next year's race.
	CRYSTAL: You'd better be.
	TOM: 'Cause I'll be of legal age then! 

	JOEL [as Lee Van Cleef]: Hey, shoot some of this action my way!

	LEE VAN CLEEF: Well if she's gonna be too much for you, why don't 
	you let experience take over?
	SERVO: I think there are laws against that kind of thing, Lee.
	
	LEE: Some people don't cover their tracks as well as they think.
	JOEL: They should wear long-sleeve shirts.

	[George Lazenby is getting out of his Secret Agent car and heading
	for the bushes]
	CROW: Even a secret agent has to wring out his sock.
	SERVO: Shaken, not stirred.

	[Evil ninja Osaka wraps his whip around Lee Van Cleef's neck]
	CROW: Oh, I've heard about this kind of behavior.

	[as George Lazenby, climbing up the rosary beads.]
	CROW: I get a weird feeling when I shimmy up this rope.

	[the head terrorist (David McCallum) shoots at George's feet,
	then...]
	JOEL: Now, the willy!

	[there is the flatulating sound of a machine gun]
	DAVID MCCALLUM: That was me.  Sorry.


DADDY-O:
	[Said as girl takes off her coat, revealing how smart she is]
	"No one's ever beaten him before!"
	TOM SERVO: Well, no one else has THESE!

	[Dick Contino and the girl stand facing each other]
	CROW: Okay now -- whose breasts are bigger in this scene?

	TOM: "Today's youth -- hopped up on crack, crystal melph, 
	formaldehyde-processed opium, tar heroin, and -- pomade!"

	CROW: "Thanks, mom ... nice caboose ... What am I saying?"


THE HOME ECONOMICS STORY:
	NARRATOR: This assembly was for the girls only.
	ALL: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh....

	[as male speaker steps up to lectern in assembly]
	TOM: Your period and mine -- a lecture.

	NARRATOR: ...Just like the five-pound party Betty had. 
	JOEL: Five-pound potty?  She must've had a big breakfast!

	[as cheerleaders]
	TOM: Look!  Look!  Look at my crotch!  Look at my crotch!
	Look at my crotch!  Loooooooook... at my crotch!  Yaaaaaaay! 

	Woman Professor:  Let me tell you about a few girls I know real well.
	Tom Servo:        . . . and why I'm being fired.


UNDERSEA KINGDOM:
	NAVY OFFICER: Great chap!  I wish we had more like him!
	CROW: Keep your mind on your work.  You're in enough trouble
	already.

	[as men are wrestling]
	TOM: Ahh, the smell of men enjoying themselves. 
	[sniff] Whooo!

	[as Atlanteans are pushing a big round gray boulder(?)]
	CROW: Dung beetles!

	KID: Dad!
	CROW: How come they all looked when he said "Dad?"

	[as Atlanteans are launching silver weiner missles from a
	 long tube]
	CROW: That's dirty!


SIDE HACKERS:
	Crow: "Oh look, they're making a kotex commercial. Oh, I'm a robot
	      I can't say kotex!"

	[Rommell, trying to get over Rita's death, walks past a line of
	pumping oil derricks.]
	JOEL: Funny, I can't put my finger on it, but even these oil derricks
	make me think of Rita.

	[JC starts rubbing Cooch's -- THAT'S GOOCH -- shoulders.]
	JOEL: Oh, you're so tense.  Chick-chicka WOWMP WOWMP.  Chick-chicka
	WOWMP WOWMP.  [the fusion jazz that appears in dirty movies.]


HELLCATS:
	[Ross and Shelly ride their motorcycle out of a tunnel.]
	JOEL: It's innuendo freeway!
	CROW: It doesn't take Fellini to figure this one out.

	[a biker punk shakes his beer bottle and it foams all over Ross's
	face.]
	CROW: That better be beer!

	[the withdrawal girl is calling out to the departing Hellcats]
	CROW: While you're out, get me a Dove bar!  And some smack!

	[a girl is putting on her rolled-up stockings...]
	JOEL: It looks like she's into safe walking.
	CROW: She's wearin' her jimmy shoes.


WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET:
	JOEL: "See no evil...well, maybe just a little... yeah!"

	JOEL: "'Women of The Prehistoric Planet'?!  My sister had to watch
	this in Junior High.  All the boys had to go in the gym."

	TOM: That's what I call a complete breakfast.  Tang, toast, milk,
	and fruit.
	JOEL: And booty!

	ENGINEER BRADLEY: "Now be kind to me, ladies.  Don't forget that I'm
	your ingenious engineer, the master of the maneuvering room, and the
	actuator of your gravitator."
	TOM: "Not to mention a flatulating butthead."


STRANDED IN SPACE:
	CROW: "Yes! Yes! It worked!  I'm gonna score on an interplanetary
	scale!"

	TOM: "I'd like to have children right away if it's okay with you."
	CROW: "Is it all right if I pull over first?"


ROBOT MONSTER:
	TOM: "Kids -- don't ever sit on an archaeologist's lap."

	(Invention exchange -- the cumberbubblebund)
	[Joel turns to face the wall; a stream of bubbles floats up from
	his cumberbubblebund]
	JOEL: You know, this champagne just goes right through me.


AQUATIC WIZARDS:
	TOM: "Hey, hey, hey, get a boat--I mean get a room!"

	[as man waterskis right behind his female partner]
	JOEL: Hey, victory at sea, Bob!


TEENAGE CAVEMAN:
	CROW: "Hey, hey!  Cross your legs, Robert--you can see the squirrel."

	CROW: Oh, neat, he invented the quiver!
	TOM:  So did *she*!  Woooo!

	[as Robert and the other symbol maker leave the cave]
	OLD MAN: Are you done?
	TOM: Yeah, but turn on the fan!  Whoooh!


TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE:
	[in an effeminate obnoxious summer-theatre british accent]
	FRANK: "Oh Little John, have you seen my arrow?"


PROJECT MOONBASE:
	CROW: "Spankin' time!"

	TOM: "Look, there's the Grand Tetons!"
	[on the amply endowed Col. Briteis using a viewmaster-type device]

	[scene of a rocket ship moving slowly back and forth across a screen]
	JOEL: "I guess now they have to watch marital aid films."


CAVE DWELLERS:
	JOEL: "She, uh...she's making flash powder from her own filth!"

	JOEL: How about a little sugar for Ator?


SNOW THRILLS:
	CROW: Yes, it's prostitutes on ice!
	TOM:  Oh...
	CROW: Well, in a nice way.

	Narrator: It's the greatest one man thrill in Jack Frost's show!
	Joel: I can think of a better one...Forget I said that.

	Narrator:And now for some shi thrills!
	Crow: Sheep Thrills?!
	Joel: Well, to each his own.

	Crow: (on the Polar Bear Club) Let's talk about shrinkage, shall we?

	NARRATOR: And it is pronounced "she-ing," they tell me.
	JOEL: Oh yeah?  Well you're full of skit!


UNTAMED YOUTH:
	JOEL: Cat fight!
	TOM: Trollop fight!

	TOM: Nice set!
	CROW: Yeah, nice radio too!
	TOM: Oh, you!

	JOEL: She's got neat underwear in this one!
	TOM: Nice diaper!  They're Huggies, all right!


APPRECIATING OUR PARENTS:
	CROW: "Tommy calls many men 'father!'"


COMMANDO CODY:
	TOM: "If the tank's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"

	CROW: There always has to be a boring short.
	TOM: My shorts are never boring.
	JOEL: Thank you, Tom.

	[As thugs are speeding away in getaway car, the passenger turns
	around and climbs up on the driver]
	CROW: Alone at last!  Oh you're the man for me!
	JOEL: Look, I'm NOT your new best friend.

	[as woman stands and hands a pistol to Cody]
	WOMAN: I guess you'll be wanting this.
	TOM: Yes, and give me the gun, too.

	[we see the captain, Cody, and the woman landing the rocket]
	CODY: Set her down in that canyon.
	CROW: Shouldn't we land the ship first?

	[at the sound of the moon door depressurizing]
	TOM: Whooo!  I'm not sorry for that one.  That felt great!


ROBOT HOLOCAUST:
	JOEL: What are they looking for anyway, uh, clothing?
	CROW: Ah, Tina's looking for a support garment!
	TOM: Boy, I hope she doesn't find one!

	HERO: "I'm reaching behind you with the cutters."
	TOM: "When I'm done with this, you will guard my harem.  Understand?"

	JOEL: "You know, I kind of miss Earth, you guys."
	[on amply endowed heroine in front of machinery]
	TOM: "I can see why."
	CROW: "Yeah, all that equipment."
	JOEL: "Yeah, it's neat."


LOST CONTINENT:
	[On seeing a large boulder]
	"Have you seen anything like that?"
	CROW: Sure, Turd Museum, Citrusville.

	[One of the rock climbers shows another how to use a lasso]
	Tom: This is a little trick I can't remember if I learned
	from my friend Will Rogers or Bob Mapplethorpe.


SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS:
	TOM: "When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself!"

	CROW: "Oh, great, kid, ya just fingered Kris Kringle!"

	TOM: "Oh--three stars by her name!  Earth girls *are* easy!"

	TOM: "I sure hope that's pudding!"

	(Droppo in Santa Suit)
	Tom Servo: Oh, no!  He's playing DRESS UP!
	Joel: I almost feel like I shouldn't be watching.

	(Newspaper jumps on scene)
	Tom Servo: Village Voice?  Santa's outing?!  What?!

	Tom Servo: And now for your viewing pleasure, some suggestive scenes
	of planes refueling.  Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

	(Billy and Betty are listening to a radio in the woods)
	Crow: Ah, splendor in the leaves.
	Tom Servo: Mm-hmm.

	Santa Claus: Lady Momar, from the bottom of my heart...
	Crow: (as Santa) I say, "Bite me."  Ho ho!  I'm kidding of course!

	(Martian leader whose name escapes me is climbing out of the rocket)
	Tom Servo: Ssssay!  Eh--oh.  It's him.  Mmmm, still...
	Crow: (about the same guy)  Oscar Wilde: 2000

	(As Droppo enters rocket cockpit)
	Tom Servo: All done in there?
	Crow: Why do you think they call him Droppo?

	(Billy offers to shake Bomar's hand)
	Joel: "Hey, where's that hand been?"

	(Valnar is speaking to Santa and the children in their cell)
	Tom Servo: (as Betty)  "Bite me."

	[A martian enters the bridge of the ship]
	CROW: Here I sit all broken hearted...


VIKING WOMEN AND THE SEA SERPENT:
	TOM: "Oh, they licked her to death."
	CROW: "I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."


TIME OF THE APES:
	TOM: "A little horse for a little monkey."
	JOEL: "Hey, he'll have himself on his back."

	(Camera gets a shot of Caroline's legs and pans upward)
	Tom Servo: "Saaay!  She's...oh.  For crying out loud."

	(During earthquake sequence)
	Tom Servo: "Did the Earth move for you, too?"
	Crow: "No, but the model did."

	Godo: "My name's 'Godo.'"
	Johnny: "Godo?  A funny name."
	Tom Servo: "Yeah, well Bite me, kid."

	Johnny: "Godo!  Godo, help!"
	Crow: "Go to hell?!"

	Crow: "Let's put crap in our hand and throw it at people!  Y'know, no
	matter how much you evolve, it's still pretty damn funny."

	"Atten-SHUN!"
	Crow: "Fuh-liiiing CRAP!"
	Tom Servo: "Oh, great.  There gonna give'm a twenty-one turd salute."

	(Colonel Sanders-ish Ape is shaking Godo's hand)
	Joel:  "Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you.  That's my throwin' hand."


THE PHANTOM CREEPS:
	[Mong is getting into his chauffer's outfit, Dr. Zorka is putting on
	a suit]
	TOM: (As Lugosi) OK now, you be the chauffer.  We'll play that little
            game again.

	[Dr. Zorka is putting on plastic gloves]
	CROW: (As Mong) Uh, boss, I checked myself in the shower this morning.
		I'm fine.

	[Dr. Zorka vanishes]
	CROW: (As Lugosi) Now I'll go to Victoria's Secret!

	[Zorka's belt backfires]
	CROW: (As Lugosi) Burn the file on the electric dance belt.  And pick
       	up my manhood; it's under the chair.

	[Dr. Zorka showing off his invisibility powers again.]
	CROW: (As Lugosi) "Next week I go to the women's locker room at
	the YWCA!"


JUNGLE GODDESS:
	[Reeves gently nudges Jungle Goddess, trying to wake her up]
	CROW: Uh, honey, I'm ready again.


ROCKET ATTACK USA:
	SPY: (speaking to woman) That's quite a set-up.
	JOEL: (as woman) They are nice, aren't they?

	[Scene shows rockets being raised to vertical position]
	TOM SERVO: You guys get like this in the morning?  Yeah, me, too.


ROBOT VS THE AZTEC MUMMY:
	CROW: We're thinking of turning this into a rumpus room...for your
	rumpus.
	TOM SERVO: Speaking of rumpus,...there's Flora.

	[The entire cast line up along a wall of the Aztec pyramid.  There
	is the sound of water flowing, and then as the men turn around, the
	sound of zippers going up.]


THE CRAWLING HAND:
	(The young couple is cavorting at the beach.)
	GIRL: Boy the water is cold!
	TOM: You know what that means!  Heh heh heh!

	GIRL: What does "stacked" mean in English?
	TOM: It means you're really smart!

	(Girl lies down on bed, allowing her breasts to reach skyward)
	TOM SERVO: She IS smart!


FUGITIVE ALIEN:
	KEN: I don't want to die in the middle of nowhere!
	JOEL: I want to die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret!

	"He's alive, all right!"
	JOEL: I got dibs!

	(Captain Joe has Ken pinned down from behind)
	Tom Servo: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

	Narrator: [The Valnar leader] was ready to punish Ken mercilessly.
	(Rita walks into scene)
	Joel: Speaking of punishing mercilessly...Woah!

	(Ken remembering chasing after Rita)
	Joel: It's my turn to wear the nightgown!

	(Cesarian Officer in cell looks inquisitively at Ken)
	Tom Servo: Do you like me?  Do you find me pleasing?

	(Rita realizes she can't kill Ken)
	Tom Servo: (kisses Rita on her left breast)

	Tom Servo: "Bite down.  Bite down, please."
	Joel: "Bite...down,...please."
	Tom Servo: (seeing X-Ray) "Ooo!  Don't bite down here."
	Crow: "Uh, Bite me please."
	Joel: "Heeey!"

	[as Ken wanders through a duststorm, his vision fading in and out]
	JOEL: Man, I gotta lay off the 'shrooms...


FUGITIVE ALIEN II:
	CARRARAN GUARD: "You've been ordered to be executed! That oughta
	take the smile off your face!"
	CROW: "Not if you do it right ..."

	[Ken is grunting and gasping during his gymkata routine against
	the guards and gasps something which sounds surprisingly like...]
	KEN: Shit!
	TOM: What?  Ken!


GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER
	(Robber realizes his gun is missing.  He quickly checks under the bed)
	Crow: My neglege! 

	(Slave girl has escaped and is in the jungle)
	Joel: (Looks down her cleavage)

	Tom Servo: (continuing the motif of Godzilla being on the toilet)
            Hey, honey!  Come in here and talk to me!
	Joel: Nooooo...

	ROBBER: Only three of us are left!  What do we do now?
	JOEL: "Chick-chicka-BOWMP BOWMP!  Chick-chicka-BOWMP BOWMP!" 


GODZILLA VS MEGALON
	[at the picnic, Rex Dart is offered a drink]
	REX: Sure, why not?
	JOEL: Why not?  I'm high!

	REX: Drink?  Yeah!
	JOEL: Let's do shooters!

	[as the ground rumbles and the camera focuses on their drinks]
	JOEL: Hey, is this stuff 3.2?

	[as we see the huge steaming crack newly opened in the earth]
	CROW: They're going to need a Tucks pad the size of Tokyo.

	[Roxanne (the annoying kid) is in the back of the truck being
	 shaken around]
	CROW: I wet 'em!
	TOM: I wet myself again!
	TOM: That's three times now!  It's starting to sting!
	TOM [as Roxanne's brother]: Smells like ammonia in here.
	[later, before the Jet Jaguar Fight Song]
	TOM [as Jet Jaguar]: Get this kid off me!  He's all wet and he
	stinks!

	[Roxanne is searching the floor after the ransacking]
	ROXANNE: I found some funny powder.
	JOEL [as his brother]: Uh, that's mine, just leave it there.

	JOEL: Saaaaay... oh, excuse me.
	[the camera pans up a pair of legs... which turn out to
	be Roxanne's]

	[as missiles slowly rise to fire]
	JOEL: Phallic symbols at the ready, sir!
	TOM: Good morning!

	TOM [as Jet Jaguar]: Why, Godzilla, your tail has grown.
	CROW [as Godzilla]: That's not my tail.
	TOM: Oh!  Sorry.
	JOEL: Guys...


IT CONQUERED THE WORLD:
	Graves' wife: You wash and I'll wipe.
	Tom Servo: Eh, heh heh...
	Crow: ...No, no.

	Crow: All done washing and wiping!

	Graves: That bike's built for the spanking size.
	Tom Servo: Oh, it's his wife's bike.

	Crow: (on Manuel, who's gone looking from chickens) You just can't
       	keep that guy away from the farm animals.


WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST:
	General: (Late for dinner) Sorry I'm long.
	Crow: Braggar.

	(During the experiment to give Glenn back his memory)
	Joyce: Let me try!  GLENN!!
	Crow: Remember THESE?


POD PEOPLE:
	The I'm a Virgin Guy: "Good?  He's the best!"
	Joel: Guys, we'll leave it at that.


ROCKETSHIP XM:
	"It's been a long time.  A long time for two men to work together."
	Tom Servo and Crow: Ahem, Ahem (whistle, whistle)

	(Girl crewmember straining under the pressure of rocket liftoff)
	Joel: It's GRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EAT!!!

	Crow: So I sing you to sleep, after the lovin'.


GAMERA VS GAOS:
	TOM: "Oh fella,  You're a fat old hog aintcha?  Heh, heh.  Squeal."
	[as Gamera climbs onto Gaos's back]

	TOM: "Ooooh.  Good thing he had his cup on."
	[on rudely aimed missle attack on Gaos]


GAMERA VS BARAGON:
	[The creepy chick starts crying and buries her face in the hero's
	err-- stomach.]
	CROW: Get a room!

	[scene of a line of rockets slowly rising]
	ALL: Good Morning.  Good Morning.

	SERVO: What does it take for a guy to get a yellow helmet around
	here?
	CROW: ...no, no.


GAMERA VS GUIRON:
	[as little girl whispers into Cornjob's ear]
	CROW: Hey!  That's dirty!


GAMERA VS. ZIGRA:
	(During opening credits, a bassoon in the theme song hits a low note)
	Tom Servo:  Hey, hear that?
	Crow:       Waaaaaaa!
	Tom Servo:  A little bassoon sound there.  'Ey, I can do that.
	(Bassoon sound)
	Tom Servo:  Thpppppth!
	Joel:       Oooo!
	Crow:       How rude!
	Tom Servo:  Thpppppth!
	Crow:       Ooh!
	Joel:       Come on!
	Tom Servo:  It was fun.
	Joel:       I didn't know you had any fleshy parts to do that.
	Tom Servo:  Oh, well I really don't.

	            "How's your wife, Tom?"
	Crow:       What's that supposed to mean?
	Tom:        The new baby's due in a week or so.
	            "Well, I suppose you'd like a boy this time."
	Tom Servo:  What do you mean by that? 
	Tom:        I hope we're not spoiling your sister...
	Joel:       What ABOUT my sister?

	            "Your mother's in a hospital in New York."
	Tom Servo:  DEtoxing.

	Tom:        Time for a little snack!
	            "OK!  Katherine prepared one of her specialties: Lemonade."
	Tom:        And I've got your sisters specialty: Peanut butter
		    sandwiches.
	Joel:       Heeeeey!
	Tom Servo:  You leave my sister out of this!  Shut up!  Take it back!
	            Take it back you rotten, crummy...!
	(Men realize the food is missing)
	Tom:        What happened then?
	Crow:       Maybe your sister ate some.
	Tom Servo:  Shut up about my sister!  Shut up!

	Crow:       (Seeing two domed observatories)  Meanwhile, at DollyWorld.

	(Kenny gets a worried look on his face)
	Tom Servo:  (sniff sniff)  Hey!  Who roached?

	Tom:        Where are we?
	Kenny:      I know!  We're in a spaceship!
	Helen:      And she's a space woman!
	Joel:       I knowwwwwwwwww!
	Crow:       (As Kenny)  She's Hot, Dad!
	Joel:       (As father) When we get back, not a word of this to your 
	            mother, kids.

	Space Woman: Sector 4!  We are celestial body number 105!
	Joel:        I knowwwwwwwwww! 

	Space Woman: Explain how your boat got here.  Or did you swim through
	             the fourth dimension?
	Crow:        You're right.  I'm ashamed.  Spank me.

	Crow:        (viewing Space Woman's walk from behind)  That reminds me.
	             I must get my watch fixed.
	Tom Servo:   D-doom Shing!

	Space Woman: Furthermore, I'll prove to you the strength of our great
	             science!  I shall cause the greatest earthquake the world
	             has ever witnessed!  It will destroy everything!  All Tokyo
	             will be anihilated in a minute!!
	Crow:        Wow.  She's PMSing big-time.

	Helen:       I love Gamera!
	Kenny:       Love!  That's all girls think of.
	Joel:        We're talking about a LIZARD!!
	Crow:        (as Gamera) Is that so wrong?

	Helen:       Gamera, thank you!  I hope to see you very soon!
	Kenny:       Now you're already acting as if Gamera was all yours!
	Tom Servo:   This is sick, people!  Really sick!

	Officer:     Now listen children.  Until your fathers regain conscious-
	             ness,you're the only ones who can tell us about the Zigra 
	             spaceship.  We'd like you to describe it and answer a few
	             questions.  You think you can do that?
	Kenny:       Yeah!  I can do that!
	Helen:       I can do that, too!
	Joel:        For a price.

	Helen:       But we only saw one Zigra woman.
	Officer:     Ooooh, the Zigran was a woman.
	Tom Servo:   Viva La Zigra!
	Helen:       Yes, but, my mama is a whole lot prettier.
	Kenny:       Yes, mine is much prettier than her, too!
	Joel&Bots:   I knowwwwwwwwww!
	Officer:     OK, OK.  The two of you are right.  Both of your mamas are
	             very pretty.
	Tom Servo:   Now what's that s'pposed to mean?

	Kenny:       There are lots of very unusual skills at our house.  Daddy
	             always makes noises while he's drinking and strange
	             sounds while eating.
	Tom Servo:   Eh, heh heh!
	Crow:        Uh, uh, save that for the adult children meeting, OK?
	Tom Servo:   Ooo-hoo!

	Scientist1:  "Are you ready?"
	Scientist2:  "Yes."
	Joel:        Get the gin.

	Officer:      Sergeant!  Order all the people to be evacuated at once!
	Joel:         All at once?!?
	Crow&Servo:   Ewww!!

	(Space Woman, wearing stolen swimsuit, is dodging evacuators)
	Tom Servo:  Hahaha.  The Maidenform Woman.  You never know where she'll
	            show up.
	Crow:       I had this dream once.

	Radio:     Everyone is to evacuate immediately!
	Joel:      We-- I just DID!

	(Dolphin trainer is giving Space Woman a lift to Sea World, the whole 
	time checking out her, uh,...swimsuit.)
	Trainer:     You know, I don't believe I've seen you around before.
	Tom Servo:   At least not this MUCH of you!
	Joel:        Staaay on the roooad!  Sta--
	(Trainer drops her off)
	Trainer:     Here we are!...
	Space Woman: Thanks.
	Tom Servo:   Ah, would you like to grab a boo-, uh, bi-, uh, a bite to 
	             eat sometime?
   
	Crow:      (Dubbing in for marching troops who obviously see scantily-
	            clad Space Woman)
	           ABO-0-0-0UT FACE!!  TE-E-E-EN HUT!!  E-E-EYES, uh (cough
	           cough cough)

   
	(During Space Woman/Kenny/Helen chase seen)
	Joel:       I see London, I see-
	Tom Servo:  Wooo!  I do, too!
	Crow:       Hey, if she runs up there we can see up her skirt 
	            again!  Wooo!

	Radio:     Everyone is to evacuate immediately!
	Joel:      AGAIN?!?
   
	Trainer:   I see you're having a guide evacuate the two children.
	Katherine: No, I didn't ask any guide to look after the children.
	Joel:      They can evacuate themselves.  They're old enough.

	Officer:   Commander, I know that it sounds unlikely--
	Joel:      But I love you.
   
	Scientist: (on the condition of the bathosphere) She's leaking 
	           pretty badly.
	Crow:      So am I.  I need a stronger waistband.

	Space Woman: Dr. Henry, listen.  You are an authority on marine 
	             life.  The greatest!
	Tom Servo:   Well, I do my best.  Over.
	Space Woman: If you remember that, you have a great weapon!
	Joel&Bots:   I knowwwwwwwwwwww!

	(Gamera gets ahold of Zigra in a rather friendly manner)
	Crow:       Hey!  Inner-species dating is not allowed!
   
	Tom Servo:  (sees Helen with orange soda)  She doesn't have a 'Coke!'
	            She's got a 'Rolling Rock' there!


MR B NATURAL
	Mr. B Natural: I've got a lot of swell stories...
	Joel:          I bet!

        Mr. B Natural: One of the nicest is about my good friend, Buzz 
                       Turner.  A little guy I first met when he was in
                       junior high.
        Joel:          Mr. B, you're HOT!!

        Joel: That hurt.  I'm all messed up inside.  If only an androgynous
              man will come and visit meeee!  Oooh!

        (Mr. B Natural pops out of Buzz's locker)
        Joel&Bots:     Nooo!  Nooo! No no no no!
        Crow:          Boo hoo hoo!
        Tom Servo:     He's coming out of the closet!  Oh, sorry.       
         
	Buzz's Mom: Uh, Buzz...
	Crow: Uh, this time don't make so much noise when you read.

	Mr. B Natural: Do I look funny?
	Joel: You look HOT!

	Mr. B Natural: When you played that music to make you feel better,
	I got your message!  You awakened me!
	Tom Servo: You mean I'm attracted to guys now?

	Buzz: You mean you've been in my room watching me all that time?
	Joel: You've seen me do EVERYTHING?

	Mr. B Natural: (Leaning forward) Look here, boy.
	Tom Servo: (startled) D'heh!

	Mr. B Natural: A boy talking like that!  Blasphemy!
	Joel: Spanking Time!

        Mr. B Natual:  I've been visiting with an 8-year-old friend of mine
                       who woke me up...
        Tom Servo:     Oh, God, no, no...

        Buzz: Wish I could...
        Tom Servo: Wear tights and prance around.

        Mr. B Natural: (In chair with her leg over the back)  Sure you can
                       be popular!
        Joel:          Oh, Mr. B...!
        Mr. B Natural: Sure you can be in a band!  And wait'll you see the
                       kicks you'll get out of it, Buzz!
        Tom Servo:     Kicks!
        Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform!
        Tom Servo:     Kicks!
        Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for band competitions!
        Tom Servo:     The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!!

	Mr. B Natural: If you want me to. If you'll keep me awake...
                       inside there. 
	Joel:          Bad touch.

	Joel: Y'know, I think Oscar Wilde only WISHED he was This gay.

        Mr. B Natural:  My boy was all wound up, he was!
        Tom Servo: Your boy?

        Buzz: He said my face was practically made for trumpet!  I wanna
              learn, Dad!
        Tom Servo: I wanna wear leotards and a Peter Pan hat!  Mom?!  Dad?!

        Mr. B Natural: If you don't think there's a family headed for the
                       music store...
        Tom Servo: I think that's David Bowie.

	Mr B Natural: Do you think this is a trumpet?  No!
	Joel: It's a bong!

       	Tom Servo: Oh, excuse me, sexless Man-Woman!

	Mr. B Natural: You gotta inspect your horn, boy!
	Crow: And wash it every day!
        Tom Servo: D'eh!!

	(Man is rubbing his hand on a horn to check if the surface is smooth)
	Crow: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!  That feels GO-O-O-OOD!


THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU:
	"Well, doctor, thank you for coming."
	JOEL: "I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers ..."


SPACE TRAVELLERS:
	[On seeing a rocket labelled "SECA"]
	TOM: Seka?  Chicka Wowmp!


THE ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES:
	MAN: Gotta clean my otter lines out before morning.
	CROW: No, not in front of us, please!

	[as Dave chases the adulterers through the garden]
	JOEL: Look at all the weed -- where are they? Tommy
	Chong's back yard?

	JOEL: Oh, take me to the magical mushroom palace my friend booze.	


CITY LIMITS:
	[referring to captured John Stockwell]
	GANG LEADER: ...We do what we want with him.
	JOEL: Starting with the nasty!

	GANG LEADER: Mine's gettin' kinda old.
	CROW: Sorry to hear that.

	[as nude girl swims in Petticoat Junction water tower]
	CROW: Hey we have to drink from that water!

	[after John Stockwell runs his bike into an unfortune part
	of another gang member]
	CROW: Now he's a Vienna Boys Clipper.

	[as Kim Catrall climbs out of a manhole cover]
	CROW: Kim's having my fantasy about her.
	[she rips off her jacket]
	JOEL: Oh, woooow.

	[during gunfight]
	TOM: Oh, I wish I'd worn my bulletproof codpiece!

	JOEL: Who invited the Stinky Guy?  He smells like 
	pussy nibbles.

	[as John holds up a long antenna to his waist]
	ALL: [cough, cough]
	CROW: This thing comes in real clear!


THE KILLER SHREWS:
	BOAT CAPTAIN: There's a cove up on the lee side, though.  We'll
	snuggle up close to the bluff and ride it out.
	CROW (as male first mate): We most certainly will not!

	[someone is walking into a door another person has just exited]
	CROW: Don't go in there!  There's no fan!  Oh....


HERCULES UNCHAINED:
	[on seeing the members of the boat crew in anthropomorphic (squished
	up) format]
	CROW: "I'm long."
	JOEL: "You think he's long?  Try me.  Longest."

	[in response to Greeks' greetings]
	CROW: Thank you, Feces!

	[as Hercules steps up to a rock near the waters of forgetulness]
	CROW: Well, this looks like as good a place as any.  You know what
	they say, you can only RENT waters of forgetfulness... Oh, yeah.
	That does it.

	[as Yolah kisses Hercules]
	TOM: You taste like Diogenes!

	GREEK MAN: Ulysses, what about that story you told us?
	TOM [as Ulysses]: "Stately, plump Buck Morgan..." oh, that's not
	the right story.

	[as Ulysses chases a gaggle of nymphs down a stairway]
	TOM: When Kennedys ruled Greece...

	[Ulysses enters to talk to Hercules, and Herc starts to take off his
	toga.]
	TOM [as Ulysses]: "Uh, I think you've, uh, got your appointments
	mixed up, Herc."

	[During the song by Hercules' wife on the wagon train]
	TOM: "Hercules can't perform
	Because he's on steroids..."


HERCULES VS THE MOON MEN:
	[as we see a profile shot of the two princesses]
	JOEL: You know, I'm feeling REALLY homesick right now.
	CROW: Looks like this movie comes equipped with airbags!

	[as we see a more realistic profile shot]
	CROW: Tissue paper!  Tissue paper!


THE GIANT GILA MONSTER:
	[as the Gila monster heads off back into the woods]
	CROW [as Gila]:  Time to drain the lizard!


INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN:
	DICK CHASEN: I headed for Eva Martin.
	TOM: But then who didn't?

	[Lt. Dick starts reading the Saturday Evening Post]
	CROW: Let's see here... "GWM seeks leather man..."

	[as Dick looks up the stairs after Eva]
	JOEL: Oh, mommy!
	CROW: That's his mom?

	[Lon Chaney stands up after a long rest...]
	TOM: My back teeth are floating.  I have GOT to use the bathroom!
	[as Lon Chaney pounds on a door]
	TOM: I'm in here!  Use the downstairs!

	TOM: There's something kinda spooky about watching Casey Adams
	flirt.

	TOM: I gotta take a big indestructible wizz!

	DICK: You wanted me, captain?
	JOEL: For years!

	CAPTAIN: See that the lady gets home all right.
	JOEL [as policeman]: Does it have to be her home?  I'm kidding
	of course.

	NARRATOR: Lowe headed straight for Eva Martin.
	CROW: But who doesn't?

	[Police pass a dark streak of something in the sewer.]
	TOM: Don't even ask!
	CROW: Think of all the burritos they sell in this town!

	TOM: Where's the men's room?
	JOEL: You're soaking in it!

	CROW: Over here, boys, I got the poop on 'im.
	CROW: Look what it says on the wall there -- "If it's yellow,
	let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down?"

	CROW: This looks like Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

	TOM: I wonder who the stool pigeon was?

	[upon seeing an odd streak on Lon's pants]
	TOM: I think he's incontinent man, now!


BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET:
	BEN MURPHY: ...and an oversized sternum.
	[girl student enters room]
	JOEL: Speaking of oversized sternum...

	[as Ben starts to get out of bed]
	CROW: Ben!  Put some pants on!

	[Frat guy dressed as mummy starts accosting girl]
	FRAT GUY: The mummy walks!
	JOEL: The mummy gropes!

	[Mummy's glowing zit lights up the two lovers]
	JOEL: Spotlight on... makeout!


THE MAGIC SWORD:
	KNIGHT: Mount your horses, gentlemen.
	TOM: We're not that lonely.

	TOM: Hey, all right, everybody!  Frenchie's gettin' some!

	BASIL RATHBONE: My dragon will relish the flesh of the
	princess.
	JOEL: Oh, woooooow!

	BASIL RATHBONE: Rather ask what will happen when I get him within
	my sword's length.
	CROW: Hey, that's dirty!

	[on seeing the cross on Sir George's tunic]
	JOEL: Look -- he's a Swiss army soldier.
	TOM: Is that a toothpick I see?

	BASIL RATHBONE: Go ahead -- show me how pair of young mortals in
	love bid farewell before they die.
	ALL: Bowmp! Chicka BOWMP BOWMP!  Bowmp!  Chicka BOWMP BOWMP!

	[after Sir George and the princess have been kissing for a while]
	TOM: I'm gonna have to hose you two off like a couple of dogs!
	Knock it off!

	TOM: My own mom just flipped me off!  How 'bout that!

------
SOME MORE DIRTY CONTRIBUTORS:
schumann@cs.wisc.edu  (Christopher Schumann)
grusin@tramp.Colorado.EDU  (Michael Grusin)
fuzzy@athena.mit.edu  (Connie Hirsch)
scott@bbx.basis.com  (Scott Amspoker)
bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu  (Robert Church)
dmb@world.std.com  (Debbie Brown) 
goodman@thebay.ENET.dec.com  (Roy Goodman)
SWEDE@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU  (Gary W Olson)
eam3@thor.INS.CWRU.Edu  (Eric A. Meyer)
v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu  (Sandra Guzdek)
Jason D Corley
sbooth@lonestar.utsa.edu (Simon E. Booth)
thove@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (tom hove)
-- 
                  Chuck Jordan | jordan@castor.cs.uga.edu
	           "Oh, excuse me, sexless man-woman!"
		    -- Mystery Science Theater 3000
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k