HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rbn@sunvis.rtpnc.epa.gov (Bob Boyd)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Followup on SO's of Survivors
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:23:18 GMT
Organization: Here & Now

Sounds like my story...I have a tremendous urge to jump in
and rescue.  I've been digging into what it is in me that
drives me to do so.  

For a long time I've been living out the "Karpman Drama Triangle."

  Persecutor -------  Rescuer
       \               /
        \             /
         \           /
           Victim 

There are several good books that talk in detail about this
routine.  We can shift so easily from one role to the other.

Melodie Beattie does a great job of discussing how we do this
triangle in _Codependent No More_ and her follow-on books.

I have played the Knight In Shining Armor so much it hurts to
think about it.  And so many times I wound up feeling hurt and
moved to feeling like the Victim.  Then I got angry ... and 
sometimes moved into acting out being a Persecutor.

My challenge is to learn how to step out of the triangle -- and
stay out of it as much as possible.  One thing I've found that 
is a core issue for me is the deep longing I have to just have
someone else's undivided attention and wanting to be liked just
the way I am without having to "Do" anything.  When I feel this
longing and don't know what to do with it I slip into looking for
the Great Rescue of All Time that will finally get me the approval
I'm looking for .... :-) NOT!  Well, anyway I've tried and tried
and tried ... and it pays off just often enough for me to keep
trying ... sort of like the gambler at the casino.  

I'm in the beginning stage of learning different ways to deal with
my longing for attention and feeling valued/liked.  The step I'm 
working on now is to just ask for time with people I trust -- and
to let them in on my truth about the longing and ask them to be 
with me in that longing.
--

Bob Boyd
In The Here & Now
From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Perp poem (try again)
Date: 24 Nov 92 00:40:33 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

The poem is short .. but not that short. I had a row of
hyphens at the top so everything was deleted. I liked
Sandy's letter and learned from it and thought someone
might like my poem. (thankyou Sandy). 

I am a little nervous about sharing it.
It is called Retribution.

-Seeker

pus inflated
carcass
mimic life

face painted
in lies
hide from god

thoughts squirm
maggots
corrupt innocence

soul eating
parasite
seen through at last

mirror turns the light
to truth
shattered mirage

self chards
crawl to
reform the icon

break
burn
bury

what never lived
but preyed
on life

pretended grace
your reign
is over

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
8/18/91, Seeker



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From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: Re: need hugs
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 17:22:29 GMT

In article <BxvK68.E52@twwells.com>
anon-1317@twwells.com writes:
 
>
>
>oh gees, I hate this-- right now I really down
>on myself-- really bad and ugly and I need some
>e-hugs-- I know this feeling will pass
>but right now it is intense
>
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>HUGS<<<<<<<<<<<<as many as you can use...
 
Erin
From: anon-1357@twwells.com (Silver Tiger)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Quantum Leap...helplessness
Date: 18 Nov 92 06:17:17 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Just watched the latest episode of Quantum Leap, and it was very
disturbing in one part...

****SPOILERS for the 11/17 episode, and <minor spoilers> for the 
part that disturbed me...****

























OK.... the disturbing part was the part where Al "centered" on 
the little girl (Abagail) and found the woman threatening her
and hitting her.  Al couldn't do anything to stop the abuse,
and Dean Stockwell did a great job of agonizing over the fact that
he couldn't physically touch the girl to help her (Dean plays Al,
a hologram).  This struck a chord in me, just the helplessness
feeling I guess.  Did anyone else feel the same?


And on another QL related topic, has Sam ever stopped a child's
sexual abuse?  (I know I've wished many times that Sam could
leap into my past...maybe that's part of the appeal of the show.:):):<

Silver Tiger

(poohbear, where are you?  The tiger paces restlessly...)




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From: anon-1424@twwells.com ("Stephen")
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: really angry
Date: 23 Nov 92 00:21:20 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi this is Stephen and I am really mad.  Because not everybody knows
about me and therre are some people I don't want to know.  But the grown
up person's friend [my lover] told somebody about me and she didn't ask
me first.  And I am really angry at her.  

[It's hard because I understand why she told - another friend of ours was
really upset and she was trying to make her feel better and told without
thinking about it.  But Stephen is really pissed, like she has every right
to be.  I don't know quite what to do, and Stephen is getting mad at me
too because I still love her and understand why she did that at least to
some extent.  I don't know, I'm angry too for Stephen's sake, but it 
scares me to get angry at her.  I guess this is a problem.  Anyway, me
and Stephen would both appreciate advice.]

And Stephen wants to say thanks to the people who wrote to her.  And she
thinks it is neat that there are other kids on the computer.



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From: anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Followup on SO's of Survivors
Date: 16 Nov 92 05:26:47 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

I hope you don't take this too harshly, this is all just my opinion....

Do you think your behavior may be at all codependent?  I mean, you say
the same thing happens to you in all your relationships (you see
somebody in need, try to help them, but they 'turn' on you).

I have sort of the opposite problem.  I always feel I 'need' people,
and when I feel I can trust somebody I practically want that person's
constant attention because they're somebody I can tell anything to,
even the abuse.  Of course, nobody can fill such a need, and it always
hurts when people start to take care of their own needs-- I feel like
I'm getting rejected because people say they don't have the time for
me.  It's not that they have no time for me, it's that they don't have
24 hours a day for me, which is what I sometimes seem to want.

It may hurt to hear this question asked, but do you think that perhaps
your (ex-)SO started to feel that you were maybe taking too much care
of her?

I may be wrong, but it's just a thought.

The Captain

Then again, what the hell do I know about relationships?  It's not like
I've ever been in one.



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From: anon-1383@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re:  Group Therapy
Date: 16 Nov 92 21:19:54 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Hi, my name is Apple.  Apple has a problem.  Apple needs advice.
Please advise as to whether you believe group therapy or individual
therapy is preferable.  Please share your views.  

Muchas Gracias......



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: doug@cdc.hp.com (Doug Sojourner)
Subject: Re: guilt & catch 22
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 17:19:59 GMT
Reply-To: dsojourner@cdc.hp.com
Organization: HP California Design Center, Santa Clara, CA
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL7]

Eric:

I appreciate the fact that you are providing some supportive advice in
you response here, but there might be a better way to start a
supportive note than "Wrong."  Some people (me on my bad days for
example), will never get past that.


Doug Sojourner

dsojourner@cdc.hp.com
anon-1158@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: afdenis@lims01.lerc.nasa.gov (Stephen Dennison)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Introducing myself
Date: 20 Nov 92 22:32:00 GMT
Organization: Ancient Souls Inc.
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <By0sK5.38u@twwells.com>, anon-1424@twwells.com ("Stephen") writes...
>ANON-Name: "Stephen"

Interesting choice ....

> 
>My name is "Stephen."  I have posted on asar before, but under another name.
>I wanted to introduce myself to the net.
> 
>Recently I have come to believe that I have at least two distinct
>personalities.  

.. and the coincidence parade continues. In an effort to offload some 
negative habits, I stopped using the familiar `Steve', ascribed all of 
those negative things to `him', and abandoned him. Since that time, I have 
only responded to `Stephen', correcting those who shortened it to `Steve'. 

Anyway, welcome. 

>This is very hard for me to accept.  One of them is a little
>girl, maybe about seven or eight years old, and her name is Stephen.  Grown
>up me likes and cares a lot about Stephen, loves her even (gosh, that's hard
>to say).  Of course, sometimes grown up me doesn't believe that Stephen 
>exists.  
> 

.. and the astounding coincidences continue. Recently, my inner child died 
of neglect. Better luck with yours. :-)


>But Stephen, she's a really tough little kid, she's hard as nails, she's
>tougher than any kid at seven years old should have to be, and she doesn'
>trust anybody.  So I thought maybe if I gave her her own anon-id, she
>might come out and talk to people more.  

Perhaps she'll notice that you cared enough to do this for her and she'll 
trust you some more. 

>And I thought maybe if people from asar sent her friendly e-mail, she 
>might start to trust people maybe a little.  I care about this kid and 
>I really want to see her happy.

Encouraging, as you care for *her* and yourself in the same fell swoop.
> 

>Sorry if this sounds weird, 

It doesn't sound weird to me {it does to me !} SHUT UP !!! {Leave me alone, 
I'll say what I want !} :-) :-)

(I'm not making fun of *anybody* here but me and *my* alter-ego, and I'm 
doing it to show `Stephen' and her `host' that *everybody* views themself 
as segmented from time to time.)

>as you can tell me and Stephen are not very
>integrated right now.  But I think she would really like to hear from 
>some people.

Well, she's heard from someone whose *name* she can remember now. :-)

> 
>Me, for Stephen
> 

-- Stephen (to ME *and* Stephen ... *man* this is getting confusing. :-))

	Growing up is easier than you think ... one day, you just wake
	up an adult ... and mourn your loss.
From: anon-1325@twwells.com (Solace)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Impala, 1399: Your email is off!
Date: 24 Nov 92 05:17:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Impala, anon1399, I tried to reply to you but your email is turned off.
If you wish to receive email you will have to turn it on.

	Solace



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Anika: my new sister
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 20:41:34 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

I hereby declare that I accept Anika as my 
honourable honourary younger sister.


I promise to:

	(1)  Give her as much moral support as I can, as neccessary
	     and appropiate - as I deem fit.

(and in apparent contradiction to the above!)

	(2)  Tease her unmercifully - at my slightest wim.

	(3)  Either take her side in any argument, irrespective of
	     the merits of her case, or take sides against her -
	     depending on my mood.


Gavin

-- 
Tomorrow's Society                              | flower_g@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
    Depends on                                   ----------------------------
Today's Children  - help us raise them properly! 
*******  These comments have no known correlation with dept. policy!  *******
From: anon-1355@twwells.com (I'm working on it)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: progress
Date: 18 Nov 92 19:16:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ANON-Mail:yes
ANON-Name: I'm working on it
ANON-Ping:yes
ANON-Announce:yes

Hi. I don't know how far along I am in the recovery process (I like to
think it's a little past the half-way point) but I wanted to offer some
encouragement to anyone who is having a tough time. 

I'm delighted to report that I like myself, little me, teenage me, and
adult me. This is a first. It feels good. I've also asked critical me to
give me a break for a while while I sort some things out, and she has
agreed. There's silence in my head most of the time now, and what a welcome
change that is.

I wish there were a timetable, but in this business comparisons aren't
worth much. But, hey, if you're working on recovering, keep at it. It may
be some of the hardest work you've ever done, and sometimes you may wonder
if you'll ever get to the end. And don't forget the "one step forward, two
steps back" days. They happen.

There's no question that we know what misery is. We are no strangers to
hard work, either. Recovery work is hard, but worth every tear.

I'm getting ready to confront my perpetrators. It'll be hard to do, but I'm
almost there. Frightened me is holding back a little.

A gold star for me for having the courage to post. A gold star for you for
working on your own recovery. Keep at it.

Glad you're there, ASAR.


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ftlao@acad3.alaska.edu (OSSANDER LINDA A)
Subject: Re: greetings
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41.UAC
Organization: University of Alaska - Fairbanks
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 18:56:00 GMT

In article <1992Nov17.180155.60935@cc.usu.edu>, slccy@cc.usu.edu writes...
>ANON-name - Hide-and-Seek
> 
>Hello,
> 
>I am new to this newsgroup.  I haven't even known about news for very long.  I
>am female and a little scared.  My name, Hide-and-Seek is due to the fact that
>I'm still hiding from the fact that I was abused.  I am one of seven girls and
>all have been abused.  I didn't talk about it for over nine years, and for the
>most part, I blocked it out of my memory.  My father abused us all and scared
>us into thinking that our Mom would die if we ever told her about it.  Does
>this sound familiar to anyone??  Or am I alone again?
> 
>My mind has stored all memories, except a startling few, behind a large locked
>door and two halves of my brain are struggling for the key. I don't know if I
>want to remeber it all or just let it be.  I can't talk to anybody because it
>is still a secret in our family.  My father was never prosecuted and the abuse
>continued.  My mother refuses to see what happened to all of us.  I don't know
>if I should hate them both or if my mother was just ignorant.
> 
>I can't see a professional because I am only 18 and don't have any money and my
>parents won't pay for it.  Does anyone have any suggestions? 
> 
>		Hide-and-Seek


Hello Hide-and-Seek,

Yes they must have a Woman's Center were you live.  They give free counseling. 
That was were I started getting help about ten years ago.  They have counselors
and work with people who have been abused.  I spent about three years going to our
local one which is called WICCA.  If you do not know how to find one in your
area call up Social Services or a counseling office they will be glad to tell
you how to get into contact with one.

I wish you well in your healing journey and above all DON'T GIVE UP!  It takes
time but things do get easier as you work on your abuse. 
*HUGS* If you want them.If not pass them on cause someone needs them.

                            -Linda-

> 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: Re: To anon-1064 (holly)
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 17:41:52 GMT

In article <Bxvy0A.FoK@twwells.com>
anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain) writes:
 
>
>Don't take this as a flame, but if some girl wanted to have a relationship
>with me, don't you think she would have come up to me by now and asked?  I'm
>reminded here of that friend of mine who got me into counseling.  He said the
>only reason he was able to become successful at relationships was because
>there was a girl who really liked *him* and took the initiative.  It made me
>wonder why that sort of thing has never happened to me-- why no girl has ever
>apparently been interested in me.  It made me feel unloved, but even worse,
>it made me feel unlovable.  :-(
>
>The Captain
>
>
 
*Please* don't take this wrong, BUT, maybe you've put up some pretty high
barriers (to keep from getting hurt) and these barriers are off-putting
to girls.  A lot of times people who are shy or have low self-esteem are
distant.  This distance is often mistaken for snobbery or the *desire* to
be left alone.
 
Probably if you're more relaxed and *smile* at them, some will smile back
and be interested. How many girls have you asked out lately? Maybe someone
is waiting for you to take the initiative.
 
From what I've read of your posts (I've been reading asar off and on for about
4 months), you seem like a decent guy. *I'd* be happy to go out with you if
you lived here in Charlotte! :)
 
Erin
 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: Re: Formal complaint
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 17:05:57 GMT

In article <Bxu34r.2uu@twwells.com>
anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain) writes:
 
>
>My counselor still hasn't gotten in touch with me about the breach of
>confidentiality.  He read the letter last Friday, so I think he'd have had
>time to respond by now.  One more reason why I think this guy is
>unprofessional and why I don't trust him.  I think I'm going to start the
>legwork of finding out what professional organization he belongs to and file
>a formal complaint.
>
>The Captain
>
>
 
Good for you!!!!!
 
Erin
 
p.s. to those who've asked me, I'm *not* "Erin Sue," I'm a different Erin.
 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: CONFIDENTIALITY--reply to my counselor
Date: 20 Nov 92 22:23:09 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

I sent my counselor the following reply to his letter, which I think I
already posted.

"If you could send a copy of whatever dictation you have through the campus
mail [I gave my box number here], I'd appreciate that.  I want a hard copy of
it anyway, and at this point I really don't want to see you face to face
because I'm still rather angry about this-- I might just completely lose my
temper and I wouldn't want to make the meeting completely unproductive."

[signed]

I think I've mentioned my lack of assertiveness already on the net, which is
of course is the real reason I don't want to see him.  The fear of completely
losing my temper is, however, IMO, a function of my lack of assertiveness. 
Either I lose my temper completely, or I become completely passive.  And I am
NOT going to give in to my counselor.

BTW-- I know I've mentioned on ASAR that I have a number of other concerns
about my counselor.  Would anybody out there like me to post a list of all
these concerns?

The Captain



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From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Religion
Date: 15 Nov 92 18:13:38 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

In article <Bxr3F9.2FK@twwells.com> anon-1280@twwells.com (Ode) writes:
>anon-1229@twwells.com (Little boy) writes:
>
>>>M. Scott Peck, in _The Road Less Traveled_, reminds us to keep in mind the 
>>>fact that _everyone_ has a religion. Keeping this in mind, do you think 
>>>what you have faith in can be termed a religion? (Notice that the 
>>>"religion" most people are disgusted withis _blind faith_.)
>
>>This is a crock.  Scott Pecker can tell us anything he likes.  He's a 
>>friggin minister, so don't expect to get any great objective revelations 
>>from him.  "_Everyone_" does not have a religion.  Actually the much if not
>>most of humanity have _no_ religion, thank you kindly.  For those of you 
>>who walk the blissful trail of mysticism and medieval rituals, great if 
>>it does something for you.  But please don't try to speak for those of us 
>>who have no use for religion *or* "spirituality" (Christianity parading in 
>>the guise of "non-sectarianism").
>
>First, I also have absolutely no use for religion, so we're in agreement
>there, but I would disagree that "much if not most of humanity have _no_
>religion" even though I don't have any figures handy. There are an awful
>lot of Buddhists, Hindus and Moslems who would disagree with that also.
>
>Still, for those of us who think religion (meaning worshiping a big cheese
>being, probably a guy, according to most Truly Great Religious-Type
>Thinkers who are also guys, and believing that the Big Guy was bored
>one week and decided to create a universe with one tiny little insignifi-
>cant blue-green planet in there with life-forms who would evolve into
>beings such as Randall Terry, Mother Theresa, George Bush and Charo) is
>a crock of shit, well then.....                              

Actually, Scott Peck was using a much broader definition of religion. 
I was going to quote it, but my copy seems to have mysteriously
vanished (and this is the second book of his that has disappeared from
our apartment - I wonder if my SO is hiding them?).  Anyway, he defined
religion as "what you believe in", as far as I can remember.  To his
way of thinking, atheism and agnosticism are just religions.

-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)