From: jlegg@neptune.phys.ufl.edu (Jeff Legg)
Newsgroups: alt.support.cancer
Subject: cancer support
Date: 16 Dec 92 15:27:08 GMT
Organization: University of Florida Physics Department - CMT Group


Greetings all,

A couple of years ago, I had a scare of cancer recurrence due to a
wavering test result.  It lasted 4 months before the test could be
validated or dismissed.  At that time, I was writing a bit and
thought I would share some of my journal entries.


Wednesday--  I received a message on my answering machine that
stated "Jeff this is Lynn from the doctor's office, the doctor
would like to have your blood test redone.  Please call us."  I
called and found that my tumor markers had come back slightly
elevated.  A retest was in order.  Believe me all the anxieties
were rampant.

Fri -- Test results confirmed that the markers were elevated.  I
had a CT scan done and it came back negative.  However, I met with
my doctor and he feels that the cancer has recurred, but is too
small to be detected by cat scan.  I went home and ate a half
gallon of ice cream to gain weight because the chemo makes you lose
so much weight.  Since you can't eat.  My wife cried in my arms
because she thought it was her fault, she pushed to hard at this or
told me to pick up my clothes once too often.  What a crazy idea. 
I told her we could  "what if" ourself to death.  I made a vow to
take chemo better this time.  To try to work through most of it and
in general try to learn something about what I am going through. 
What an experience.  I am just now fully recovered from the last
chemo which ended three years ago.  My mind is again sharp,  I am
strong again.  And now this is to start over again.  When you are
normal you can not imagine that something that lasted 3-4 months
could be considered hell or even more than an inconvenience.  Hell,
I can't believe it to be anything more that a minor disturbance. 
I haven't even cried yet, sometimes I wonder if it is because this
time I know I will die, but, I'm not sure of anything anymore. 
Anyway, what are you supposed to do faced with many months of hell
and a possibility of death.  I have been through this before and
this junk ruins your mind as well as your hair.  I remember last
time toward the end I cried in my wife's arms by the hour because
of the pain, the way I looked, the fear, all of it.  God, what will
I truly do if I am faced with this again.  My job will provide
about 3 weeks of sick/vacation pay and then after that I have to
receive no pay for 3 months to get disability of something like 50%
pay.  Those exact specs are to be researched over the next week. 
My doctor is out of town and will be doing some consulting on my
case.  I will try to get my life in order for the upcoming
devastation, maybe this time it won't be so bad.

Sat--
Well I woke with the feeling that I was definitely going to
undertake chemo.  Then the thought of it really hit I cried a few
drops but they would just not come.  I still don't really believe
it.  Man the waiting is terrible.
I decided to go to the library and see if these slightly elevated
tests could be the result of something else.  I found 2 articles
that were a resounding yes.  My intuition through this has been
that the tests are a mistake.  God I pray they are, to go through
chemo is hell, but to be even remotely faced with death by cancer
is even more scary.  How can I relate to someone when I know I
will die possibly in a horrible way.  The worst is terrible, the
best is maybe liver failure or maybe kidney failure, not too much
pain there.  Oh well today is a good day and I'm going to a show
with my lovely wife.  In adversity you really notice how lovely she
is.  Our love is a great one and I would gladly die for her. 
Yesterday she wept in my arms asking to be taken instead of me. 
She thinks I'm a good person.   I tell her to say such things makes
her a true angel.  For me she is an angel.