HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: fssmr@acad3.alaska.edu
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Here we go again
Date: 22 Nov 92 03:53:30 GMT
Organization: University of Alaska Fairbanks

I can't wait til the next time I talk to her
It agravates the hell out of me when I just miss
her on the net, she is terminally happy
and 10 years younger than I am
Am I insane, I know nothing could ever
become of this, yet I feel myself sliding
once again into that pit of confusion and 
missed opportunities.   Iregardless of what I tell myself, 
the emotional half of my brain is closed to all reason.
Why can't I control my own emotions, Damn!

Somebody spin the wheel, cause I'm back in the game

Scott
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: kovarik@martha.utcc.utk.edu (StMeechTheThwacked)
Subject: Re: Is this love, or just a dead heart??
Organization: University of Tennessee Computing Center
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 05:49:19 GMT

In article <1992Nov16.062132.5844@linus.mitre.org> sokay@cyclone.mitre.org (Stephen J. Okay) writes:
>
>But not this time. She's great, I like her a lot,even starting to care about
>her, but there's no sound of engines warming up in the back of my head,
>no rush of adrenaline, no obsessive thoughts, no crying, no endless checking
>for email or anything like that...just lots of thoughts, ideas, images,etc.
>but none of the tyranny of emotion that has always been stock standard for
>me at times like this.
>Am I actually in control of my feelings this time, or have they been so 
>stomped on and beat out of me that I don't even have them anymore.....?
>

Maybe the engines really only "warm up" that first time you fall in love?
When you don't know what to expect?  Now you know or believe or expect
things may not last, so you prepare yourself for the worst by convincing
yourself that the whole thing isn't that important. Or you think you
know what to expect.  Maybe I am just a little too cynical.  

Back when I was younger, if I met a woman, my enthusiasm and expectations
would accelerate to warp drive.  Now I just say: "I'll wait and see."
I'm too tired of it all.  


				Meech
From: ST201026@brownvm.brown.edu (nathan marsh)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: no clue
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 03:44:28 EST
Organization: Brown University - Providence, Rhode Island  USA
NNTP-Posting-Host: brownvm.brown.edu
News-Software: BNN via BNN_POST v1.0 beta

I probably shouldn't be posting this....

I got back this evening from trying to pick someone up.

It failed....

My friedn/possibly/maybe/could be SO/i don't really know what our
relationship is/who knows/maybe we'll hook up again if the light is right/
etc. left a bunch of messages on my answering machine.

I'm starting to hate my answering machine....

It never has the answers I want....

But my <ambigious relationship female> is asleep now I guess....

what am I doing....I have no clue....

what do I want....I have no clue....even scarier.....

The woman I was trying to pick up was the same major as me, but a year older
how much close can u get, huh?

as some others would say here....

bah.

my feet are cold.....
--
 -nathan marsh
 -st201026@brownvm.brown.edu
From: horace@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (The Dreamseeker)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: inconsequential
Date: 21 Nov 1992 21:21:19 -0600
Organization: Kansas State University
NNTP-Posting-Host: matt.ksu.ksu.edu
Keywords: aaagghh.

Dearest Maya,

	You are not alone.  I often view myself as an independant being, 
isolated from everyone.  Sometimes I act is so convincing, to me, that when
someone wants to touch me, or care about me, I am unable to let them.  That is
why I come to this computer.  It is safe.  If someones says they care I am able 
to mantain a distance, but have the knowledge that they care.  The truth is we 
all need people.  Some don't recieve the emotional nurishment they need, and in
response to that will try to decieve themselves into thinking they don't need it
	We are all just playing this huge board game, in which no one cares who 
wins or loses.  They just want to make everything as bad for the other players 
as possible.  Oh well, I care... at least I try to.


				 	-The Pale One


With quill and silver knife.... -King Crimson
From: llama@pooh.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: snapshot
Date: 22 Nov 92 21:29:43 GMT
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5

i can't breathe.

the air coagulates in my nostrils as the atmosphere thickens like
gravy. it seems to be drawing mass from the earth, which suddenly
feels fragile under my feet. my body collapses inward on itself, a
crystal shattering completely, instantaneously. a second ago,
wholeness; now, a heap of glittering fragments whose razor edges don't
register as they slice into what was. body numb, extremities tingling,
i watch sticky rivulets become streams become rivers become oceans.

detached, scientific, i note the lightheadedness, the nausea. i wonder
what i would feel right now if i still had emotions. my face is wet;
from this i infer tears, but tears of instinct, not catharsis. the
brain shuts down in the face of what it cannot bear.

i think i'm in shock.

a sponge, i absorb pain, feeling none of it, but supersaturated,
sated, bloated beyond self-recognition all the same. thoughts refuse
to cohere, scattering about my mind like gemstones on ice, radiant
beauty, too cold to touch.

i move carefully on the diminished earth,
don'tsteponacrackonlyblacktilestwostepspersidewalksquare, hoping it
can support the new weight of my shattered skin and fused, leaden
viscera.

i think carefully with my frigid mind: one false move and the ice will
break into thousands of tiny needles pricking at my core. the cold is
my friend and protects me from decay.

all of the words in my mind have edges. i wield these mental scalpels
dextrously, wanting to excise the tumor, heal the wound. when my soul
thaws and nerves awake, these cuts will throb.

i lie on my back on the wet ground, staring into black black sky,
sucked from this shell deep into a sky that is a lake that is me,
recursive world, pain doubled back on itself. the world and i and the
pain gestating within are chinese boxes, a nested stack expanding
outward. pregnant with an ache that contains me, i contain the world,
reality just so many pretty beads i string in random sequence.

tomorrow it will be unbearable.

tonight it simply will be.

--
sine | deb
toldja there was more self-indulgence to come.
this is all for now, though.

[forgive if this appears twice; i cancelled the first shortly after
sending it so i could fix a couple of typos.]
From: bs584@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Jeanne Leidy)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Is this love, or just a dead heart??
Date: 20 Nov 1992 22:53:24 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc4.ins.cwru.edu


In a previous article, mrf12@cus.cam.ac.uk (Marcus Frean) says:

>>I agree!  Love should renew your faith a bit, accelerate your brain, put you 
>>back in touch with your universe.

>I dont. I read it the other way around (I dont know whether or not
>this is how Steve saw it but anyway...) - I mean the fact that my
>expectations would go through the roof when I met a someone was a real
>hassle - it only meant endless trouble later on as the real person
>slowly disentangled themselves (in my head) from the ridiculous bunch
>of expectations I'd got in the first few times I met them. 
[...]
>And you *do* have to undo it
>all sooner or later. It takes so long, it usually hurts, and heck,
>yes; I'm too tired of it all.

You can keep your feet planted on the ground and still get excited.  I meant
that love can make you feel *more* connected to your reality (universe),
not that you should lose touch with reality.

I, too, have on occasion read more or different things into a person than
what existed.  But I think that you can be realistic and feel really really
exhilarated at the same time.  Call me crazy.

>Or maybe I'm overstating it - I dont mean it's not exciting, not at
>all.  It's just the unreality of it gets me down, because I know it
>only spells trouble later on.

Yeah, maybe we do agree.  Except that I think you can learn to avoid lots
of the illusion-building.

>marcus.

-Jeanne

Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: rfarmer@nyx.cs.du.edu (Rex Farmer)
Subject: subject
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 92 14:29:12 GMT

This system's disk is full so all my postings vanish irretreivably [sic].
I'm going to have to withdraw from my second attempt at a grad degree.
My life is over.
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: kilroy@acme.gen.nz (earthbound misfit, I)
Subject: Re: Fatso
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 92 11:54:54 GMT
Organization: ACME BBS - Public Access Usenet, Palmerston North, New Zealand

zlsiida@fs1.mcc.ac.uk (dave budd) writes:

> I just hit 80 kilos again.  Has promised myself it wouldn't happen.  Damn.

80 kg?? You svelte thing you.

						- k
-- 
Craig Harding            kilroy@acme.gen.nz             ACME BBS +64 6 3551342
"Jub'er lbh pnyyvat n obmb?"
From: zlsiida@fs1.mcc.ac.uk (dave budd)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Fatso
Date: 19 Nov 92 10:24:15 GMT
Organization: Manchester Computing Centre

I just hit 80 kilos again.  Has promised myself it wouldn't happen.  Damn.


  From the UK phone book Yellow Pages:  BORING - see Civil Engineers   

  Dave Budd, MCC, Oxford Rd, Manchester, England   (44|0)61-275-6033  
  D.Budd@mcc.ac.uk                                          fax 6040
From: ABienek@acorn.co.uk (Alex Bienek)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: a cure for angst?
Date: 18 Nov 92 10:34:05 GMT
Organization: Acorn Computers Ltd, Cambridge, England

In article <1992Nov17.142509.2374@gacvx2.gac.edu> emiddlec@mora.gac.edu (Eric Middlecamp) writes:

>Actually, 1) everyone has a religion  (M. Scott Peck, _The Road Less Travelled_)
>         2) not all religions are "blind faith" or "certain."
>             ex: _your_ religion.

No, no, no, I'm not going to accept that. How many times have I heard that old
line 'Any belief system is a religion'. There are major differences between
a group of 'truths' that someone chooses as a guide for their behaviour
and a set of rules; obeyance of which is achieved through a mixture of
coercion and fear.

For the word 'religion' to have any useful purpose in the language we must
restrict its use to the more conventional belief systems, for example
those involving an omnipotent being or beings, and find another word for
other belief systems.

Otherwise people start calling science a religion and I just cannot accept
that. Whether you believe in science or not it is fundamentally different
from what we generally accept as a religion.

Alex.
From: horace@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (The Dreamseeker)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Random thoughts on a grey morning.
Date: 20 Nov 1992 12:40:26 -0600
Organization: Kansas State University
Distribution: na
NNTP-Posting-Host: matt.ksu.ksu.edu

Is purposelessness bad?  I don't think that I will ever find "purpose" in 
my life.  Oh well,  now I am depressed, and today was going so well.


						The Pale One


ps -when things are going your way, look around.  their is always some evil 
    gnome that will be more than happy to pull the rug out from under you.


Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: toj8j@fermi.clas.Virginia.EDU (prufrock)
Subject: Re: When Things Go Bump (was Re: a cure for angst?)
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 17:14:04 GMT

rachel writes:
> 								i see other
>students my age and younger without a care in the world, who couldn't give 
>a shit about what they're doing to hurt their parents, or their SO, and
>i half wish i could be that callous. but i can't. and instead i'm considerate
>to a fault, enough to hurt myself rather than hurt another. how can a person
>not care? i undertand that it's cool to be detached, but this is ridiculous.
>has society programmed all of the younger generations to take and not give,
>look out only for number one? i think it has, and it terrifies me. no wonder 
>the politicians are getting worse, the academic records are in the toilet,
>the crime rate soaring...it's not an option to care about another human.

Amen.  I get more and more frightened--not angstful, terrified--each time
I reflect that the last twelve years of indoctrinated greed and social
capitalism (i'm not marxist, it's just the most convenient term), under
Reagan/Bush in the US or Maggie in the UK, have bred compassion out of an
entire generation of people.  It's evident on the national political level
as well as on the personal.

>it's only us, only the ones who are sensitive enough to see pain in others
>and realize that it's important who are left. and there aren't nearly
>enough to make a difference...

As a good friend of mine would say, "Aieeee."
From: ucw@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: The cynic
Date: 21 Nov 92 01:33:56 EST
Distribution: world
Organization: Cornell University

Life is boring. Its dullness cuts to the bone. It leaves no taste in my mouth,
no smile on my face. It flows from day to day without changing. I feel no pain
or pleasure. I see only a constant shade of grey. All these philosphical
rhetorical thoughts make me sick. Words mean nothing to me anymore. Is it
possible to be passionately bored? Sad movies no longer jerk the tears from my
eyes. The bright rays of the rising sun no longer soothe my face with their
reassuring warmth. Everything is a task, nothing is new. The music that once
inspired me only mocks me now, its beat has become redundant. The VCR clock has
stopped ticking, and I see nothing but reruns every day. I can back no cause
and feel no allegiance. Political issues are just two-sided jokes told by red
in the face egotistical bastards who are only interested in hearing their own
voices. So I too sit here alone and selfishly listen to my own voice, shutting
all others out. There is a certain safety in apathy, a certain comfort in being
alone. I am a coward, and until I decide to reach out and become a player in
this strange game surrounding me and take the risk of losing, I will never win.
I will walk alone in life and wallow in cynicism and self pity, and the warmth
of the sun will never reach within me.
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: kwi@postman.hsn.no (KLAUS WILLIAM WIK)
Subject: about 'naked' nightmares
Organization: Nordland College
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 13:00:30 GMT

	Some time ago there were someone talking about dreaming of waking up 
naked at school,not realizing until then they forgot to put on clothes.

	YOU HAVEN'T HAD THAT NIGHTMARE UNTIL YOU COME TO NORWAY IN MAY!!
In Norway we have a tradition that after 12 yrs at school(when we are aprox 
19 yrs), we have a longer time of partying.17th of may is our national 
hollyday,kinda' like 4 of july, with children walking in different school 
parades and later on there is this 'citizens' parade.Here the graduates join 
in.They are called 'russ', not to be mistaken with russians or even familiar 
to that.It all starts on 1th of may.Then the 'russ' is given his suit or 
outfit:an overall in his respective colour(depending on what courses on 
school).From now on and to the exams or 17th of may or to the date the '
russ' commity decide, theres PARTYTIME.
	Now for the nightmare.Aong with the overal is a cap with a string(
not a students cap), and the main purpose of the 'russ' is to get this 
string filled with trinkets, that symbolizes a prize for his achievements.
These achievements consists of how much he's been drinking(Beer,Booze,Wine 
or Soft Drinks),how many crazy things he's done(walking on 4 in a mall,
barking or swimming before 17th of may(NORWAY OK?) etc) and other things 
with love/sex as a subject.
	THE NIGHTMARE IS THAT I WOKE UP(from stone drunk) IN A MALL NAKED 
IN THE MIDLE OF THE NIGHT,FREEZING MY JOHNY COCKEROO OFF!!!!!!
AIN'T THAT A NIGHTMARE???"WHERE'S MY CLOTHES, HOW DO I GET HOME?????"
	I even got a negro doll in my capstring for walking 2 miles through 
the city centrum,including a TV surveilanced mall.
I bathed in below zero'C/32'F water, Ice still drifting by.(icecream stick 
to my string)
Drank ALOT OF BEER,(aprox 2,3 gallons or 9 liters in 18 hrs)

	Afterwards I had nightmares of me waking up naked in the most 
bizarre places,chased by a beerbarrel through deep snow&ice
If thats not angst in the real meaning of angst(horror) I dont know!
 
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: bzb47596@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Baba Z Buehler)
Subject: Re: The cynic
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 09:27:32 GMT

cynic,

yes, i find my apathy and angst wonderful.  i am actualyll very happy and
content right now, because i have found the prper level of apathy
and angst.


-- 
Phaedrus - Master of the Tao of Pooh             internet: phaedrus@uiuc.edu 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     "The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous,
      the sensible man hardly anything."   --Goethe
From: bs584@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Jeanne Leidy)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Keys and psychological aspects
Date: 20 Nov 1992 23:27:16 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc10.ins.cwru.edu


In a previous article, quirke_a@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz () says:

>[...]it was also about this time that I started
>developing a bit of self-confidence, and adopting some idiosyncratic (sp ?)
>habits which made me more like I always saw myself, instead of someone
>displaying what he thought others wanted to see. Turns out that I think I'm
>more interesting now than I was then, despite more of my (many) flaws coming
>to the surface.

Can you teach me to do this?  Please!?  I've been working on this one for
*years*...still not there yet...

>Tony Q.

-Jeanne

Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: jpatters@willamette.edu (Jane Patterson)
Subject: Random thoughts on a  grey morning.
Organization: Willamette University, Salem OR
Distribution: na
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 17:03:37 GMT

Slow, dull pain sleeps in my head. Never stirring, never intense, just a
constant presence. It reminds me always of how little control one can
actually have. As Lyle Lovett said, "Life is so uncertain." But I just
wish for some definition . . . a direction, something to strive for.
Clear thinking I have, creativity is gone - and what good is logic and
rationality when there is nothing to accomplish?

I can just see the tombstone" A woman who never found her purpose"


And I sigh and go back to  letting the information of the world stream
over me in hopes of finding what it is I am supposed to be doing.


Back to lurking...


-- 
--Jane Patterson--jpatters@willamette.edu--Art History/CompSci--
             Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: despair@netcom.com (Scott Hanson)
Subject: Re: minor angst for the day
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Distribution: usa
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 22:32:48 GMT

In article <something> rhogan@aludra.usc.edu (Ronald Hogan) writes:
>...see Dracula...

If you see this, I suggest downtown's Los Angeles Theatre.  A most appropriate
cinema for such a visually extravagent film.  They haven't made such places
since the thirties.  It made the film an ecstatic experience for me...

Regards.

My most recent angst is this theatre.  A veritable palace, cathedral, a tribute
to the glorious lost days of film, and it is nearly empty, about to be boarded
up, turned into an indoor swap meet, or converted (like the Orpheus) to a
Spanish-only cinema.  To join the rest of the beautiful enjoyable things that
once graced this cursed world.
-- 
Scott Hanson		This has been a recording.
despair@netcom.com
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: nking@unix1.tcd.ie (Nev's family recipe)
Subject: Re: a surreal saturday night
Organization: Trinity College, Dublin
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 11:52:21 GMT

You have ingested LSD.
From: brewer@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (marmoset)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: alt.suicide.fantasy.interpretation, anyone?
Date: 16 Nov 92 21:02:32 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

In article <20179@acorn.co.uk> ABienek@acorn.co.uk (Alex Bienek) writes:
>In article <1992Nov14.061307.7905@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au> bena@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Ben Aveling) writes:
>
>>I sometimes want to drop my keys off bridges or down drains.  Avoidance of
>>responsibilty I figure.  
>>
>>       Ben     :-)
>
>Yes, I sometimes have this urge too. The thought goes through my mind of all
>the hassle and problems that I could cause for myself by this simple act.
>Why should I even think about it ?. Is it that well known tendancy toward
>self-distruction that many of us have ?

For me, the urge comes out of this big time resentment of the fact that I have 
to carry around all these little bits of metal so I can get into the office, 
safeguard all my stuff in the apartment, open my mail box and get my bills out,
and all this trivial crap.  I feel like if I really were above the little 
annoyances of my life, I would be able to just huck my keys off the Walnut 
Street bridge and it wouldn't matter.  Of course, I'm not that bold, and I 
wind up just feeling kind of weak about it.

Weird, so many people trying to lose their keys...

--

marmoset
"green bottles!"
"BROWN BOTTLES!"
From: llama@pooh.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: being anal-retentive...
Date: 20 Nov 92 08:39:36 GMT
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5

i don't know why this matters to me, but it does. moral weakness?
maybe because it's 2.30 am as i write this. maybe it's because i spent
about six years working as a proofreader.

at any rate, i was rereading some stuff i wrote. i really do know how
to spell occurred, prosaic, incredibly, and whatever else i typoed.

sigh.

--
sine | deb
dunno which feels sillier, posting this or not posting it.
From: dogbowl@dogbox.acme.gen.nz (Kennelmeister)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Fatso
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:11:39 +1300
Organization: The Dawghaus BBS, Palmerston North, New Zealand (+64 6 357 9245)

zlsiida@fs1.mcc.ac.uk (dave budd) writes:
> 
> I just hit 80 kilos again.  Has promised myself it wouldn't happen.  Damn.

I've got the opposite problem - I just dipped below 50kg ( I'm 172cm tall)

All my friends' mothers (and mine) keep trying to feed me.......

Funniest thing is that I feel better now than when I weighed 65kg...

Obangst: Going to a fancy dress party in woad ( Blue body paint ) as a
         celtic warrior, and being told " you're the cutest pixie I've
         ever seen"...


Alan B                           "Well, we were just laying there
Dogbowl@dogbox.acme.gen.nz        And this ghost of your other lover walked in
Dawghaus BBS +64 6 357-9245       And stood there.
Palmerston North, New Zealand     Made of thin air. Full of desire..

...Why these mountains? Why this sky? This long road? This empty room?"
                                                        - Laurie Anderson
From: ABienek@acorn.co.uk (Alex Bienek)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: alt.suicide.fantasy.interpretation, anyone?
Date: 16 Nov 92 18:01:46 GMT
Organization: Acorn Computers Ltd, Cambridge, England

In article <1992Nov14.061307.7905@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au> bena@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Ben Aveling) writes:

>I sometimes want to drop my keys off bridges or down drains.  Avoidance of
>responsibilty I figure.  
>
>       Ben     :-)

Yes, I sometimes have this urge too. The thought goes through my mind of all
the hassle and problems that I could cause for myself by this simple act.
Why should I even think about it ?. Is it that well known tendancy toward
self-distruction that many of us have ?, that force that will stop us
from succeding even when we think we want to and believe we are trying to.
I think this self-distructiveness spreads into relationships such that we
will deliberately ruin all relationships, as if to prove ourselves correct
in our belief that we are destined to be misrable and lonely.
I don't know where it comes from. In my case probably from childhood, but
there are likely other causes such as disasterous first relationships etc.

Alex.