Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: for those considering Final
From: anonymus+322@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (poohbear)
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 13:31:04 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

a khijol poster wrote: 

>Subject: for those considering Final
>Message-ID: <9209300713.AA10367@saturn.upl.com>
>Date: 30 Sep 92 07:13:19 GMT

>X-ANON-Version: 0.5

>I am that little piece of you that is detached from you, sitting here
>listening to you blather on about how you'd like to end it all.  I'm here to
>put a bug in your ear: Why do that?  That's no fun!

this fun part doesn't really figure in for me.

>You have total
>control over your environment - you just don't remember that.  You can make
>things easy for yourself, or hard.  You've set up the game so that things
>are hard for you, just so you can have the challenge of turning "bad" into
>"good".

my control, even now, is not something i've mastered.  i may be able to
choose not to put myself in a dangerous situation, and be able to
control at least something.  i am not in control when i leave myself.  i am
not in control when i cut.

i DID NOT set up my game.  that was NOT my choice.  i am not by base
nature masochistic.  i am warped that way now, but i didn;t start that way.
i am not in this for an ego trip.

>It's no challenge to check out in the middle, is there?  If you
>realize that you ARE playing a game, and that YOU control the rules of
>the game, and that YOU can change the game so that YOU win whatever it
>is that you want to win, things will immediately get easier for you.

>Right now, you're playing the game to "win" pain and suffering.  Why not
>change the rules by changing your outlook?  You can just as easily change
>the rules to win joy and happiness.  Stop playing to lose!

i never liked a game analogy, it made it so petty.  i am fighting a war;
i am trying not to let pain win.  i don't think saying that puts me in
that pity party situation everyone has been talking wbout.  i just have
to know that this is a real struggle, not one i created...i have been
fighting that notion forever ("just get it together...everyone has
problems").

>"But, it's
>not that easy!" you whine.  I'm here to remind you that it IS that easy ...

no, it just plain isn't.  it is hard hard work.

>By telling yourself that it's not easy,
>you're convincing yourself that "yeah, it's OK to be where I am, I like it
>just fine, really I do; otherwise, I'd get out of wherever I am.  I like it
>just fine here in the soup, thankyouverymuch."

by telling myself it is hard work i validate myself and my struggle.
i recognize that where i am sucks, and that i want to get out, and that
it is a difficult road.  having it not be easy does not equate with a
desire to stay.  for me the first step to getting out is convincing
myself that it isn't easy and it isn't just a change of state of mind.
what happened was real and hurt me.  i can choose to get better.
the getting stuck occurs when i start thinking it it _too_ hard to
get better.

>Just your Higher Self (or pick the diety of your choice and insert here)
>trying to remind you of what you once knew, but have forgotten.

i once believed that was what happening was right and that it was wrong
to feel horrible about it.  it has taken the subsequent years to try and
erase that very very engrained message.  it was something i once knew, and
am trying actively to forget.

poohbear, crawling back into her temporary hole because right now she is
choosing to put the healing on hold.  hold.  she sees this as helping
herself right now, not wimping or being pitiful.

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