From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: ***SPOILER*** Bad Brain Day
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 17:30:51 GMT

In article <1993Jan5.152926.1959@icaen.uiowa.edu> dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu (David Nelson) writes:
>
>                    *** SPOILER WARNING ***
>
>Please pay no attention to this post as it is just an expression
>of one of those moods I get in.  I'm not really like this.
>Really.  Well, maybe sometimes.
>
>This post contains intense expressions of self-loathing and
>excessive pain.  Please don't read it if you're not in a strong
>psychological space.
>
>Psycho Spew #68
>
>
>Shame screams inside my head - harrying and harrowing me,
>impelling me down the path of the glistening blade, pock-marked
>whoreson that I am.  I *deserve* it!  I *deserve* to bleed.  
>It's become a Necessity - to let the pain out and the punishment
>in.  ARGH!!!  Will it ever end?
>
>  Little child, I can feel your pain, 
>  I have heard your tortured cries
>  Crawling like a wounded beast 
>  to some ancient holy light
> 
>  In the darkest midnights I've
>  awakened to your call
>  And stumbled down your jungle paths
>  my back against the wall...
>
>Damnit, if only I could *cry*!  
>[insert loud-volume expressions of rage, anguish, and sanity-angst]
>
>But I have so many voices inside my head that sometimes I think
>I'm multiple.  Either that or there really *is* demonic
>possession and I have opened a Holiday Inn for wayward spirits
>inside my brain.   You make the call.  You connect the dots. You
>pick the nose, etc.  Et Cetera.
>
>And it hurts.  Almost all of the time.  It's why I can't stand to
>be around normal people because I start talking to myself out
>loud and lots of times I forget that my voice is actually working
>and I didn't just *think* that though, but I said it out loud.
>
>Oh Jesus!  It's so bleeding *embarrassing*!  <wail>  Why can't I
>just be normal?
>
>Boring, boring. This is boring!  Can't you *ever* get anything
>right?  What is the *matter* with you?
>
>It's all a fake.  You're just *pretending* to be crazy just so
>you can get pity from people, you controlling, manipulative
>little shitfuck.
>
>Ever notice how accusations have 'you' in them so much?
>
><mocking> "Ever notice how accusations have 'you' in them so
>much?"

I faded out a lot of my self-hatred when I finally became able to
pay attention to it.....It occurred to me that it was actually hatred
of my mother that I wasn't allowing myself to feel. 
>
>Remember, this is coming from a man who walks the streets of Iowa
>City at 5AM growling out loud and muttering "shitfuckhelldamn,
>rotten bastard, cocksucker, fudgepacker, butt-lubing mutant."

This may be the wrong place to say it, but I think that "butt-lubing
mutant" is a _great_ line. I don't know if I'll ever have a use for
it, but I'm keeping it in memory just for its beauty.

>Incidentally,  a few weeks ago I actually ran into one of these
>people who talk to themselves in public and as I passed him he
>yelled at me, "I want to suck some cock!"  So I smiled at him and
>said, "good luck.  Have a nice day."  It sort of made my skin
>crawl that he, like, actually, *talked* to me.  I mean, I was
>probably safe since I'm approximately the size of a 1951 Buick,
>but still...
>
>He scared me.  *I* scare me.  I talk to myself.  Out loud.  With
>my larynx. The pains stab my brain, brain-pains shame-pains so
>that I sometimes moan out loud or say "fuck you" to the voices in
>my head.  I tried to tell a friend of mine that if my own mother
>didn't want me, then what right do I have to live?  And she said,

Your mother isn't The Ultimate Definer of Value. How could anyone
be?

>"fuck you!"  Chalk *that* one up to my (once again) opening up to
>a nonsupportive person. Silly me, I thought because she was a
>cult deprogrammer that she might understand the feelings of a sex
>abuse survivor.

I guess not. As I understand cult deprogramming, I don't think that
it would attract gentle, empathic people.

[lots of vivid stuff deleted for bandwidth]

I hope that the core dump helped--it was one hell of a piece of writing.

Nancy Lebovitz