From: ah@mdcsc.UUCP (Alexander Herrera)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Freedom from bondage
Date: 9 Apr 92 16:19:10 GMT
Article-I.D.: mdcsc.9204091619.AA15521

This story happened to me around Passover time fourteen years ago, but
if you had asked me at the time when Passover was, I couldn't have told
you. This took place long before I considered Judaism as a religion. It
is a very personal story. It is the story of my personal contact with
G-d, and it has a Passover theme. I hope it is accepted with the love
with which it is given.

I was shaking. I hadn't had a drink in about five or six months, and it
seemed as if everything I had fought for in those few months was
collapsing. I had told my girl it was time to part and I now regretted
it. She, however, had few regrets. I dare say there was a sense of
relief in her voice after I had told her. I was the type of person who
didn't have friends. I took hostages. A neighbor came to my door to
offer help. I told him to get lost. I felt lost and alone.

I became angry at G-d. He was the one who put me on the earth to
suffer. He was the one who mocked me from His throne on high. He was
the one who decided who will live and who will die. I hated Him with
all my heart. I hated to be controlled by Him. I felt helpless.

I became despondent. My parents and siblings had long since abandoned
me. I was told later that they had wanted to help me, but my brother
had talked them out of it. He had said, "You had your chance when he
was a kid. If you could have changed him, that was the time. He's an
adult now. You can't help him." No truer words were ever spoken. They
left me to my fate, an alcoholic death. That probably saved my life.

I was in deep despair. To some my pain may seem trivial. I have long
since learned that each person's pain is different. What is a temporary
set back to one is a long time of anguish, deep suffering and despair
for another. I was suffering terribly on many counts. This was just
another in a long string of set backs for me.

I sat on the floor of my bedroom staring into shadows of that dimly lit
room. I had pushed everyone away from me. No one would ever come to my
door again I thought. Then something happened to me.

I paused. A strange feeling came over me. I was suddenly overcome with
the overwhelming sense of the presence of G-d. I felt as if I were in
the presence of a Great Power. I said nothing, but the thought crossed
my mind, "Who are you?" At that moment I had a vision in my mind. It
was a picture placed there in my thoughts. It was a picture of the Jews
being led out of Egypt. I thought, "You are the G-d of the Jews." I
felt comforted.

All these years I had cried out to Him in despair, and He had never
come. It is virtually impossible for me to describe all the feelings I
had. He had finally shown up when I needed Him the most. He cared for
me. Then the feeling of His presense vanished. I felt...different.

Not a single material thing had changed for me. I was still in a sad
situation. My life was a shambles. I still had no friends, but somehow
it didn't matter. Before this spiritual experience, I had always tried
to push my troubles into the past or put them off into the future. I
never lived for today. Then I changed. I said to myself, "If it never
gets any better than this, if I must live the rest of my life just like
this, it's okay." I felt content.

My situation improved as time passed. Many years later, in my search
for a religion, I stumbled into a Reform synagogue. I had not planned
to be there, but my now ex-wife had wanted to become an observant Jew
after her recent trip to Israel. As a supportive husband, I went along
with her to synagogue. As everyone was speaking Hebrew, I got lost
right away. I began to flip through the prayer book and read the
English. I was struck with the power and clarity of thought that was
reflected in those pages. Many of the ideas I found there I had worked
out for myself in the intervening years, but Judaism had developed them
much further than I could ever have done. I was impressed.

Then I came upon these words: 

	I am the L-rd, your G-d, who led you out of Egypt to be your
	G-d. I am the L-rd, your G-d.
	
I knew then that I had to become a Jew.

Alex Herrera
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