From: amz@iguana.cis.ohio-state.edu (Arnold M Zwicky)
Subject: re: sexual attraction
Followup-To: soc.motss
Summary: no inconvenience
Organization: very little at the moment
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 23:16:13 GMT

in article <1992Aug14.184543.8787@reed.edu> nelson@reed.edu (nelson
minar) quotes me -

    >>[1 the prime directive:] people i love nonsexually are attractive to
    >>me sexually;

- and asks:

  >Isn't this inconvenient?

adding that

  >I noticed this myself recently. I figured it out when I fell for about
  >the fourth straight male friend of mine. I also realized that I wish I
  >weren't so homosexual so that I would enjoy being sexual with a female
  >friend of mine.
 
and wanting to know:

  >So what does this mean? Does it mean that I make friends with people
  >who are sexually attractive, or is it that I tend to be sexually
  >attracted to friends of mine? I don't know. What does one do when the
  >inevitable problems occur?

inconvenient?  well, for me there is the overriding rule 3, about
not being turned on by people who are not turned on by me.  but even
for someone who doesn't work this way, there are other overriding
principles.  (ok, there's an internal logic to all of this.  i assume
that usenet participants can cope with the ideas of defaults and
overrides.)

in particular, there are principles of moral action: don't impose
yourself where you are not wanted; don't abuse power; don't do things
you don't want to do because someone else wants it; and so on.  my
relentlessly hitting on a guy who doesn't want me would violate the
first principle; getting one of my students into my bed probably
violates the second; and taking one of my woman friends into my bed
*just* because she wants it probably violates the third.  (life is
complex; there are imaginable exceptions to *these* generalizations;
some of these exceptions have occurred in my life.)

nelson, we are faggots, not maniacs.  of *course* we get inappropriate
cock-twinges.  we also fail to get them when those we like would
desperately wish for them.  if these things didn't happen, we'd be
living in a dead universe.  our desires slop over great parts of our
acquaintanceship, and also miss great parts of it.  other people's
desires make totally different, though (fortunately) partly
overlapping, patterns.  this is just to say that different people's
desires do not always mesh.  there is no problem unless you always
insist on acting on your desires - the last thing in *your*
considerate mind, nelson.

i not infrequently have cock-twinges for male students who have
enthusiasm and interesting takes on ideas, especially if they are also
(to my taste) "cute" - even occasionally for straight guys (yes, i
make a few exceptions here too).  a few times i have even developed
momentarily powerful jack-off fantasies about these guys (ok, twice,
women - more exceptions [i *said* life was complex, didn't i?]).  i
hope that i have never in any way suggested any of this hidden mental
life to these students.  (look, i know that some of them get crushes
on me.  [well, some of them *hate* me, but there are also crushes.]
this is a big compliment, but not something for us to talk about; i'm
happy to go on warm feelings, and i also know that plenty of crushes
are nonsexual.)

you can have all kinds of feelings about people, and realize that they
have all kinds of feelings about you, without ever acting on them, or
even giving notice of their existence.  this is not an inconvenience;
it's just daily life.  it's not a problem...  unless you insist on
acting on every twinge.

acting honestly does *not* mean externalizing all your feelings.
thank goodness, or i would be a murderer, a thief, and a rapist many
times over.

arnold (who had one of his stories to tell but got all *serious*)