From: boserj@netcom.com (Jeffrey Boser)
Subject: Re: sexual addiction
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 92 19:17:26 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

Margo Garcia <margog@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu> writes:
>Recently, I have been victimized by a sexual addict.  I first became
>suspicious when certain things began not to add up.  Soon, the red flags
>could not be ignored and my questioning of this person became more forceful. 
>Eventually, he admitted to a long hsitory sexual addiction.  Despite 5 years
>of concurrent individual and group therapy, he still continues this extreme
>misogynistic behaviour.  Indeed, I have distanced myself from the
>situation.  However, this incident has caused me to think in depth about this
>topic.  And while I am not a psychologist, I do have some thoughts as too the
>cause of this behaviour.  
>
>1.  there are rapists and there are rapists.  There are those who rape in the
>    classic sense:  physically.  There are those who rape in a more subtle 
>    fashion, and while they have your conscent for the actual act, because of
>    their addictive need to control and manipulate, I consider this to be
>    rape as well ... rape of the spirit.  And this is how I classify sexual
>    addicts:  as rapist, of a differnt kind, but nonetheless, rapist.

I know what you mean by that kind of rape, but I would not htink it
falls under the catagory of addiction.  Addiction is just a habitual
need for a certain type of behavior, and implies little about how that
need is satisfied.  I know a woman who is addicted to sex, and she doesnt
manipulate anybody to get her 'fix'.  Nor is she always just using
the other individual, there is much more to her relationships than just
sex.

>2.  many studies lend credence to the theory that most physical rapists
>    experienced dysfunctional childhoods, including in many cases, their
>    own rape.  Now, sexual addicts who act upon their addiction must also
>    experience somehting similar to the above.  Or, at the very least, they
>    didn't get what they needed in the ultimate sense as a child and so 
>    their sexuality has been arrested, or scewed into the addiction.

I still dont like this logic.  If I am a food addict, does this mean
I am coercing restaurants into serving me?  Or that I was traumatized
at the dinner table?

I dont mean to poke fun, but I think there is a world of difference
between addiction and abuse.  And that other kind of rapist you
are talking about seems to be a kind of abuser.

Oh, btw..  while we are on the topic, this whole manipulation scene
is actually considered healthy behavior in meeting people.  The game
wherein a man has to talk a woman into having sex, and the woman has
to 'let' him..  its a scene repeated in bars and clubs accross the
world.  This is also why I dont go to those places.  I dont want to
manipulate or be manipulated.  here I stand, take me or leave me.

>3.  Like physical rape, victimizing others through sexual addiction is rooted
>    in the concepts of control and sometimes emotional violence.

Id be willing to bet that his is true of alot of things, like eating
disorders, alcoholism...  most emotional problems are a result of
control or the desire for it.

Emotional violence is learned when we are kids, when we figure out
how to get the bully to stop picking on us, or Sally to like us, or
the teacher to be nice...  We learn to manipulate people, jerk
their feeligns around to protect ourselves.

Abused people learn it alot more vividly.  To keep daddy from getting
in those moods where he will hit me or worse..  To please mommy so
she wont punish me..

For the most part, this is just survival.  Its when we use those skills
to harm instead of protect that it becomes abusive.

>4.  in the case of a male sexual addict, misogyny is also implicated.  In the
>    case of addicts of both genders, low self-esteem or a dysfunctional self-
>    image of anyother kind is also inplicated.
>
>5.  I'm not sure if chemistry comes into play here:  if it's purely a psycho-
>    logical dysfuntion that is solely rooted in experience, or if there could
>    also be chemical imbalances that may contribute to the addiction and
>    subsequent behaviour.  And I'm not sure if there are any medical/chemical
>    means of controlling this behaviour. 
>
>As I mentioned, I am not a psychologist, but have a habit of observation. 
>And through my own therapy, I have learnt a few things regarding my own
>psychology.  I am interested in opening up a discussion on this topic so as
>to provide more insight not only for myself,  but for anyone else who might be
>a recovering victim of a sexual addict.   Again the above the above 5
>statements  are nothing more than thoughts, and are more than open to
>discussion/criticism.

Alot of these reasons were the cause of my leaving therapy.  The therapist
seems to treat my mental situations as 'problems', a string of emotions
he/she could somehow unravel, as if there were a cause and effect in me.
They got excited about 'tools' and processes that would help me deal
with stuff, and recommended certain courses of action to change my life.

It just isnt as simple as that.  My life is not a multiple choice question.
I dont choose A and go this way, or B and go this way..  and the same
goes for thinking..  every day I learn something new about myself, or
relearn something old.  Every day I grow.  I am alot closer to a poem,
a big one.  Sometimes (as recently) sad and depressed, sometimes excited
and full of energy, sometimes..  well, you get the picture. (pun intended)

grrr..  got off topic again, havent I?  oh well, take it or leave it.
thats how I feel, and I care about you all.


.....jeff


>
>thanks