From: jgacker@news.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: B&B:  Pop goes the Fetus
Organization: Goddard Space Flight Center
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 17:09:02 GMT


An update exclusive:  The very first interview with FETUS
FORRESTER!  (using our patented WombMike (tm) technology)

Q:  Fetus, glad to have a few minutes to talk to you.
F:  Thanks, nice to be here.  Cozy and warm.
Q:  Are you looking forward to being born?
F:  I mean, like Eric and Ridge are both super-rich, right?
I can handle it.  Of course, everybody and their brother,
literally, has been trying to get into Brooke, and now I'm
trying to get out.  Go figure.
Q:  You know you've been the subject of a lot of plotlines
lately, don't you?
F:  So I've heard.  Everything's kinda muffled in here.
Q:  Do you know who your father is?
F:  (Giggling)  Yes... it's Jake McClain!
Q:  C'mon, kid, be serious.  That's not possible.
F:  Brooke was pretty drunk that night, and Jake keeps
popping up in the most unlikely places.  Ask Thorne!
Q:  So -- are you going to let us in on the secret?
F:  Well, I'm really not sure.  When Brooke's happy, I sort
of feel like Ridge.  When she's sad, I feel more like Eric.
Q:  If the plotline was up to you, who's tyke would you be?
F:  Ridge's.
Q:  We're betting on Eric.
F:  I know you are, but I'm smarter than the writers.  See,
I think Sheila should only learn enough about the lab to
allow her to switch test results, but not to know what the
results are!  So she'll have to *guess* if the baby is
really Ridge's or Eric's.  She'll guess Eric is the father,
but she wants it to be Ridge's.  So she switches the tests.
And the (switched) results say the baby is -- Eric's!
Sheila will go nuts, knowing that the baby really IS
Ridge's, and she has to somehow switch the results BACK to
the correct ones so she can have Eric!
Q:  That's pretty clever for a Fetus.
F:  Thank you.  Shows you how good the writers are!  OWWW!
Damn, that was mean!  I'm kicking back!
Q:  What was mean?
F:  Somebody just shoved really hard on my butt, and now
they're trying to stuff my head in a tube.  And it's too
small!  Plus, they drained the pool.
Q:  Looks like you're getting busy.  One last question --
are you a boy or a girl?
F:  Girls just wanta have fun...
Q:  Thanks for the interview, Fetus.  Good luck in the birth
canal during Amateur Hour.

     And now we return to our regoolarly shaded update:

          Wednesday on "The Born and About-to-be"
          
          
          WHERE'S A SNO-CAT WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

     Dispensing with the stupid-super doc first, she drives
through the intense storm, knowing that something is wrong
at the cabin.  At the gate, the ranger who let Ridge slip
through refuses to let Taylor through, even after she offers
to do a quick Olga modeling review just for him (she figures
it gets lonely up in the mountains).  No go.  Head back
where you came from.  Taylor begs, even trying the "doctor-
on-an-emergency call" ploy, but she's stuck and cold.

     GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES

     Sheila accompanies Doc Tracy back to the on-call
quarters.  Tracy offers coffee, regular or decaf, while
Sheila ponders getting the entry card off the good doctor's
chest.  She's a little slow on the uptake when Tracy offers
coffee, thinking about the card.  Tracy goes to slip into
something more comfortable.
     When the good doctor returns wearing a blue bathrobe,
Sheila says she's a little worried about a guy who's going
to get his chest cracked tomorrow, and wants to go check up
on him.  Tracy is once again overly-impressed with Sheila's
altruistic tendencies.  Why don't you take a
loooooooooooooooooooooong hot shower and I'll come back for
coffee?  Sheila suggests.
     With the doctor singing "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina"
in the shower, Sheila cases the room for the card and
finally finds it under some old slacks.  BINGO, she says,
also finding an old Bingo card ("Naked Gun").  She goes to
the lab, waits 'til the hall is clear, and inserts it.  It
doesn't work.  %$#%^&&*$, Sheila realizes, noting she also
needs the I.D. password (forgetting that the Doc told her
she got it to log onto the computer system, or did the
writers slip up on that?)  O.K. I'll get the d*mn password,
Sheila says angrily, returning to slip the card back into
the Doctor's drawers before she starts on excerpts from
"Cats".

     HARANGUE, HARANGUE, HARANGUE

     Stephanie claims to Eric that Brooke showed no judgment
whatsoever in going up to the cabin nine months and 3 days
pregnant.  She just wanted to have Ridge rescue her!  She
didn't tell Ridge where she was, Eric says.  Ridge found
her.  She KNEW he'd do that!  Steph screeches.  We're
selling that cabin -- Brooke and Ridge (and also you and
Brooke) had entirely too much fun in front of the fireplace!
Eric gives Brooke the benefit of the doubt -- maybe we've
been a little bit too hard on her.  Stephanie insists that
Brooke just wanted one more time alone with Ridge.  And she
could even...  What?  Eric asks.  Go into labor, Steph
concludes.  Don't put it past her!

     THE MOST OBVIOUS REFERENCE I'VE EVER COME UP WITH:
     "I DON'T KNOW NUTHIN' 'BOUT BIRTHIN' NO BABIES!"

     Ridge goes out to shovel the driveway and reconnoiter.
He's out awhile and Brooke starts to worry he's encountered
a yeti, but he comes back.  There's good news and there's
bad news, he says.  The good news is that by tomorrow
morning there'll be 16 inches of new powder on a 72-inch
base!  The bad news is that all that powder is on the road.
He makes some calls.  The hospitals won't send an ambulance,
and the Medivac helicopter won't fly until the storm's over.
Brooke grimaces through a contraction.  I know what you're
stating, but the baby ain't waiting!  Well, hey, you're only
having contractions twenty minutes apart, that can go on for
days... right?  Wrong -- my water broke, if this isn't
active labor, then the baby could be in trouble.  Sorry,
Ridge.  Ridge say nothing to be sorry about, we've been
through so much together I guess this almost had to happen,
too.  You got me, babe.  During the next hard contraction,
Ridge holds Brooke's hand.  Are you scared?  she asks.
What's there to be scared about?  You're the one having the
cow, er, baby.  He asks if she's scared.  Not as long as
he's there with her.  AwwwOWWWWWW!  as another contraction
hits.  Ridge is at his clueless best -- I'd even heat some
water, but I wouldn't know what to use it for!  Oh yeah, no
heat at the cabin.  This is a pickle.

     Tune in tomorrow, when Ridge suddenly realizes:

     "You mean I'm not going to be able to watch the Sugar
Bowl?"

     Jim "see you in 1993" Acker
     jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov