From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Recovery Goals?
Date: 18 Nov 92 17:22:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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17-Nov-92 20:58	erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)	Re: Recovery Goals?   writes:

But isn't looking in the sewer grate "just in case" a fear-based response,
rooted in the memory of the abuse?  If you still didn't fear, you wouldn't
look, would you?  It seems to me that if you live your life looking around the
next corner to make sure you won't get jumped, that's a very fearful way to
live.  Now, if you heard a strange noise from the sewer grate, you'd look --
and perhaps be a bit fearful -- but would you run away in terror?

	I don't think anyone's said anything about looking around every corner
	to make sure you don't get jumped. Surely, you can take awareness to
	an extreme and turn it into paranoia, but no one's suggested that.
	I just think that if you live your life under the assumption it won't
	happen again, you won't be prepared and/or won't see it if it does.
	(See it meaning it could happen to someone you care about - your
	children, e.g.) Immediately to mind comes the recent post about
	"Friends and Family" in which the writer indicated her friend had been
	abused, but did not recognize signs of abuse in her children. Fine,
	great, wonderful if I can say I was abused (I can) but if that
	knowledge doesn't give me the ability to recognize and act the next
	time the situation arises (if there *is* a next time) what good is it?
	No, I don't propose becoming a vigilante in search of abuse. But I
	don't want to feel so safe that I prefer to ignore it if it happens
	again. I think the fact that I *have* the ability to block out these
	situations is a strong indicator that I have to get past that, or I'll
	keep repressing.
	Perhaps for you and your situation it *is* different because it seems
	that you stayed in the relationship because of a low self-esteem, 
	whereas, in a situation which cannot be escaped, survival is through
	repression. To be future repressions are a real fear.
	I also think it's easier to find safe footing and have relationships
	than it is to force yourself to recognize incest - not to belittle
	your work. For example, if I find I'm *not* beyond dating the abusive
	types and actually marry one (or if he doesn't appear to be abusive at
	all) yet my children start acting strangely after several times of
	being alone with him, it would be *much* easier to think the kids are
	just weird than to believe the man I've pledged my life to could be
	abusing them. I'd want to be able to recognize the symptoms, talk to
	the children and see what was happening. This is *very* different from
	developing an ability to have a relationship. The "grates" to me are
	the much farther-reaching implications of the abuse.
	
	Am I worrying too much? Doesn't anyone else think of these things?

							Anika



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