From: nlt@gboro.glassboro.edu (N. L. Tinkham)
Subject: Re: Spiritual leadership in the home
Organization: Department of Computer Science, Glassboro State College
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1992 04:57:52 GMT

     I asked for a definition and examples of male "spiritual leadership"
in the home.  I thank those people who've replied.  However, I still don't
have a good idea of what the concept means in practice, so I'm asking for
additional explanation and for any examples that can be provided.

     Lon Mendelsohn said that he asks his wife from time to time how her
prayer life and relationship to God are, and offers help as appropriate.
Yet, as he himself says, this does not require an asymmetric relationship:
she asks about his relationship to God and gives help also.  So this seems
to me an example of spiritual companionship rather than spiritual
leadership.

     Tim King, in his earlier article "Husband:Wife::Christ:Church", says
that husbands should cherish, nourish, and love their wives, and that wives
should respect their husbands.  But since I also expect wives to cherish,
nourish, and love their husbands and husbands to respect their wives, it isn't
clear to me how this is leadership.  Tim does state explicitly that the husband
should lead, but I don't know how he means to apply this to everyday life.

     A few people gave some examples of leadership.  Lon Mendelsohn said that
when he and his wife firmly disagree on something, he makes the final
decision.  Wolfgang Hutter, replying to some of my guesses, said that selecting
ministries for the husband and wife to participate in and selecting the church
they will attend are examples of spiritual leadership.  Several months ago,
Ian Williams decided (with some help from CHRISTIA readers) that he and his
wife would not be the godparents of a friend's child, because of his beliefs
about baptism; at the time, he described this decision as part of his
responsibility as the "head of the home".

     Still, more examples would be helpful to me.  For those of you in
hierarchical marriages, can you give me, say, 3 or 4 examples of spiritual
leadership that occur in your home in a typical week?  What do you do at
church, in your prayer life, or in your other activities that you would do
differently if the husband were the wife's peer instead of her leader?

     Two people introduced terminology that I need definitions for.
1) Wolfgang Hutter said that the husband's leadership shelters his wife from
spiritual attacks.  Exactly what kind of spiritual attacks are intended
here?  Can you give some examples?  2) John Jensen said that leadership
should be exercised as "organic federalism".  What does this mean?

     (As an aside, John Jensen contrasts "organic federalism" with
"hierarchical" organization and with "open marriage".  We may have different
definitions of terms in mind here.  By "hierarchy", I mean simply that
one person is designated as a leader and another as a subordinate, and
that this is a long-term arrangement.  By "open marriage", I would mean
a marriage in both spouses are free to commit adultery -- an arrangement
which nobody in the discussion here is proposing.  Perhaps this term is used
differently in the US than in New Zealand.)

     Finally, Carol Nemec has said that she wishes her husband would exercise
more spiritual leadership.  Still, I'm not sure exactly what this leadership
looks like.  Can you give examples of the kind of leadership you want him
to give -- situations in you want him to give you direction, or problems
that you want him to solve?

     I know that people's spiritual lives are private, and I don't want
to pry into overly personal areas.  But any examples that people can
give of leading their wives or following their husbands in spiritual
matters would help me understand what is being advocated by those who
teach that "headship" and "leadership" are important.  I still don't know,
for instance, what concrete changes I would be making in my spiritual life
if I were to begin following my husband as a leader instead of as a companion.
I have some idea of the attitude that's involved, but I don't know how
people implement leadership day to day.

_____________________________________________________________________________

                                              Nancy Tinkham
                                              nlt@gboro.glassboro.edu
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU