Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Followup on advice needed
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1992 23:38:17 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

In article <scott_silverstein-270892113120@lasagne.med.yale.edu> scott_silverstein@yccatsmtp.ycc.yale.edu (Scot Silverstein) writes:
>Some followup on my attempt to reopen communication with my ex-friend.
>
>She was quite angry, threatened me with her relatives (!), could not
>understand how
>someone even in anger could say hurtful things to someone.  She said she
>wanted to be left alone, and could not have friends like that.
>
>Yet she continued to talk for half an hour, and wanted to see a letter of
>apology I had written and mentioned.  She works in the same building and
>wanted me to slide it under her door but "did not want to see me", so I
>did.

The very fact that she invested time in talking to you, indicates that
there is still a chance.  Take it slowly, and don't expect rapid
changes for the better.

If I upset my eldest daughter (9), she will be angry at me and tell me
to go away, yet she sometimes appreciates my staying with her.  Though
I have to be patient and not push to hard for quick reconciliation.
Sometimes I do leave her and come back a while later, and she is
feeling better about me.  If I overreact to her, or a sibling, she
will be upset for awhile, even if I immediately recover and
appologise.

An adult, especially one that has suffered a lot of abuse, is far more
complicated than a 9 yearold girl.  Us adults try to do a lot of
rationalising, often trying to justify, in some way, things we are
ashamed/frightened of.  When I overreact, after I recover, I often try
to analyse the possible causes and exactly "what happened" internally.
Sometimes this is very useful, other times there are no clear cut
answers that are satisfactory, I have come to accept that.  One of the
keys is to, neither go on a "guilt trip", nor try to rationalise such
actions as acceptable.  I am, and have been, under a lot of pressure,
that is a partial explanation.  However, I know I have improved, and
that I'm capable of still further improvement - so I try to
concentrate my emotional energies on improvement, rather than "crying
over spilt milk".  I'm reasonable successful in this approach, but am
well aware of my lack of perfection.  Recently, I've become more
accepting of my strengths, but I have to avoid being complacent about
my weaknesses.

I know I've rambled, but I feel that what I have said has some
relevance to the quoted post.


>
>There were a lot of other attempts to creat confrontation by her, all of
>which I did not permit, and attempts at blaming herself for falling yet
>again into a bad friendship, to which I replied she should not blame
>herself when things go wrong, etc.

One of the key things is to avoid putting things in the negative.  I
know it is very hard not to - I have to consciously rephrase things in
the positive.  It is much more effective to phrase things postively.
People tend to pick out, subconsciously the negative words, and drop
the negations.

As a simply example it is better to say "You need do better at..."
than to say "You are bad at doing...".  They are logically equivalent,
but the first is easier on the ego.  Probably some people can find
still more effective positive ways of phrasing this example - I hope
people can, the more I look at it, the less satisfied I am.

Another key thing, being positive, still means "bad" things can be
dealt with, it doesn't mean ignoring them.

>
>We'll see what happens, but I frankly think it's over, and "bail-out"
>approaches.  
>
>Any survivors have comments from experience to the contrary?


Gavin
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