From: caz@owlnet.rice.edu (HWRNMNBSOL)
Subject: Re: An Honest Question
Organization: Rice University
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 06:22:58 GMT

In article <1992Dec16.063607.41113@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu>, mlsa@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN) spews forth upon This Naked Earth:
|> Just because I chew tobacco, keep an american flag in my room (because my
|> confederate one is at home), have a gun rack on my BMW (which I lovingly call
|> the general lee) drink JD and SoCo out of the bottle, wear flannel shirts and
|> say y'all does that make it OK for people to stereotype me as a hick?  I
|> don't think so, do you?

You, sir, are the Urkel of talk.bizarre.  The rest of us are busy in our
missions of achieving world domination, annihilating particle-antiparticle
pairs, and creating new universes within nutshells; meanwhile you stand up
and, in a virtual high-pitched nasal voice, ask the equivalent of "Does 
anybody have any CHEEEEESE??"

You are also one of two things:

     1) A pseudo-hick; or
     2) A real hick who gives the rest of us a bad name.

Consider the cases:

1) POSIT: MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN, PROFESSIONAL DICKFERNOSE, IS A FAKE REDNECK.

      I. No redneck says 'chewing tobacco'.  They either say just 'chewing',
          or they squint at you and squirt a juicy blob into your coffee.
      II. Real rednecks either proudly display their Confederate flags, or
          don't own one.  Any redneck who keeps his at home is secretly a
          yankee and a Patriots fan.  Also, true rednecks capitalize
          the word 'Confederate'.
      III. No redneck anywhere, ever, drives a BMW.  Few true rednecks ever
           amass enough cash to acquire such a vehicle.  Those who do are
           usually oilmen, and they spend their money on big, sloppy Caddilacs
           with Longhorn horns on the front.  If possible, they get one that
           plays 'Dixie' when you honk.  Rednecks NEVER buy foreign.  
      IV. Gunracks don't go in cars.  Gunracks go in trucks.  All rednecks,
          from the lowliest mobile-home dweller to the snazziest Dallas
          bigwig, own a truck.  It is the only vehicle that rednecks go
          hunting in.  Those who drive cars to the hunting lease usually
          get laughed at.  Ever try to tie a 150 lb. deer on the roof of
          a teeny little car?!
      V. Rednecks would die before watching _Dukes_Of_Hazard_.
      VI. The alcohol is okay.
      VII. Rednecks do wear flannel shirts, but they don't do their own 
           laundry, so they never look at the tags.  Rednecks would be
           utterly unaware of the fabric they were wearing, so they could not
           possibly identify their shirts as flannel.  You could make a 
           redneck wear a dead baby harp seal around his neck, and he'd
           grumble that it's scratchy.
      VIII. Lots of non-rednecks say y'all, since Americans are lazy bastards
            linguistically.  It's so much easier to say, and flows so well.
            I have yet to meet a person who could keep from slipping into
            Texan after several weeks of intensive exposure.

      HENCE: You, Michael Lauren Sherman, are no redneck.  Shit, what kind
             of a middle name is 'Lauren' anyway?  @#$%!%^!! carpetbagger....

2) POSIT: DESPITE THE EVIDENCE OF CASE 1, MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN IS STILL
     A REDNECK.

      I. Any redneck worth his salt would have committed sepuku after finding
         out what a dismal failure at hickishness he was.
      II. You ain't dead yet.
      III. You have yet to post anything worth the paper it wasn't printed
           out on.

      HENCE: You, Michael Lauren Sherman, should go away for a period of time
             not to exceed two month's time.  During this hiatus, you should
             catch up on your bizarreness, preferrably by stalking and shooting
             wild animals, and driving well below the posted speed limits.
             Once this has been accomplished, you should return and post 
             something worthwhile.  You have your instructions.


Now get the hell out of Dodge.......
-- 
'taint room enough fer the both of us......
HWRNMNBSOL