From: cgt@gargoyle.uchicago.edu (Carlos Talbot)
Subject: Reworked BA Quotes List 3/7
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 17:03:32 GMT


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[ BlackAdder Series 3 ]

Black Adder III (Edmund BA is a butler to the Prince Regent-late 1700s). 1987

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George the Prince Regent (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
PM : Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger (Simon Osborne)
VH : Vincent Hanna the Elder (Vincent Hanna the Much Younger)
IB : Ivor Biggun (Geoff McGivern)

1. Dish and Dishonesty

o  EB: "He's about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house."

o  G : "Still, for me, socks are like sex.  Tons of it about and I can't seem 
        to get any."

o  EB: "Well, you could appoint him a high-court judge."
   G : "Is he qualified?"
   EB: "He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool."
   G : "Sounds a bit overqualified."

o  "I'm going to a fancy dress party as Lady Hamilton's pussy."
       - EB to the Price Regent, wearing a catskin cloak he bought when he 
         thought he was going to be knighted. 

o  G : "Fine!  Well, the money's in my desk."
   EB: "No, sir, it's in my wallet."

o  PM: "I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you."
   EB: "Oh, and which Pitt would this be?  Pitt the Toddler?  Pitt the      
        Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"

o  G : "I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squirt!  He's not going to win, is 
        he?"
   EB: "No, sir, because firstly, we shall fight this campaign on issues, not
        personalities.  Secondly, we will be the only fresh thing on the    
        menu. And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat."

o  EB: "Yes, Baldrick.  I've been meaning to ask you:  do you have any goal 
        in life other than the acquisition of turnips?"
   B : "No."
   EB: "So if I gave you a thousand pounds, what would you do?"
   B : "I'd buy a little turnip of my own."
   EB: "And what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?"
   B : "Oh, that's different.  I'd get a great big turnip in the country."

o  G : "First, I'd like a word about the disgraceful circumstances in which 
        this election arose.  We paid for this seat and I think it's a damned 
        liberty we should have to stand for it as well."

o  EB: "Well, we in the Adder Party will win this election on issues, not 
        personalities."
   VH: "Why is that?"
   EB: "Because our candidate doesn't have a personality."

o  IB: "Well, as I always say, if you can't laugh, what can you do?"
   VH: "Take up politics, perhaps."

o  EB: "Oh, God!  If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before 
        you start!"

o  EB: "I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a  
        weasel."

o  G : "You look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on
        his pie, but it turned out to be an extra large blackberry."

o  EB: "Well, sir, one name does leap to mind."
   G : "Does it?"
   EB: "Yes, sir."
   G : "You couldn't make it leap any higher, could you?"

o  B : "My Lord, I have a cunning plan."
       - several times BA3 / BA4

2. Ink and Incapability

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
SJ : Doctor Samuel Johnson (Robbie Coltrane)

Dr. Samuel Johnson asks the Prince for support of his dictionary, which 
accidentally gets used for firewood. Edmund must re-write it before Dr.
Johnson finds out.

o  G : "I need to improve my mind, Blackadder.  I want people to say, 'That 
        George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill!'"

o  G : "I hear it's a masterpiece."
   EB: "No, sir, 'tis not.  It's the most pointless book since _How to Learn
        French_ was translated into French."

o  B : "Something wrong, Mr. B.?"
   EB: "Something's always wrong, Balders.  The fact that I'm not a         
        millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is 
        a constant niggle."

o  B : "I thought he was the cleverest man in England."
   EB: "Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the   
        Guild of Village Idiots."

o  EB: "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is    
        happy because he has finished his book.  It has apparently taken him 
        ten years."
   G : "Yes.  Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

o  SJ: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
   EB: "Every word, sir?"
   SJ: "Every word, sir."
   EB: "Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer 
        the doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities."
   SJ: "What??"
   EB: "Contrafibularities, sir.  It is a common word down our way."
   SJ: "Damn!"
   EB: "Oh, I'm sorry, sir.  I'm anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to
        have caused you such pericumbobulation."

o  EB: "Of course, sir.  I shall return interfrastically."

o  G : "Look, Doctor Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even 
       *I* know a book's got to have a plot."

o  EB: "Sir, the Prince is young and foolish.  And has a peanut for a brain."

o  EB: "And if you don't answer, then the booted, bony thing with five toes 
        on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the dangly      
        collection of objects in your trousers."

o  G : "Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's 
       just invented a pair of self-removing trousers."

o  EB: "Baldrick, believe me. Eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his 
        hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five      
        minutes with me and this pencil if we can't replace this dictionary."

o  EB: "Mrs. Miggins, there's nothing intellectual about wandering around   
        Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid."

o  EB: "I love you, Doctor Johnson, and I want to have your babies."

o  G : "I mean, boil my brains!  It's only a dictionary!"

o  SJ: "Sir!  I hope you are not using the first English dictionary to look 
        up rude words!"
   EB: "I wouldn't be too hopeful.  That's what all the other ones will be  
        used for."

3. Nob and Nobility

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)

The Scarlet Pimpernel is the talk of London, much to Edmund's chagrin.
He is captured by French Revolutionaries and held captive. 

o  EB: "I want to be young and wild.  Then I want to be middle-aged and rich.   
        And then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending I'm deaf."

o  EB: "The Scarlet Pimpernel is the most over-rated human being since Judas 
        Iscariot won the A.D.31 'Best Disciple' competition."

o  G : "This is the fellow to ask:  my butler.  Terribly clever.  Smarter   
        than a brain pie."

o  EB: "I was then taken and hung by the larger of my two testicles
        from the Wall of the Bastille.  It was at this stage I
        decided I'd had enough"

o  EB: "You see, the ancient Greeks, sir, wrote in legend of a terrible     
        container in which all the evils of the world were trapped.  How    
        prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name.  They called it 
        'Pandora's Box,' when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers.'"

o  EB: "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning  
        plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this 
        conversation?"

o  G : "Roast my raisins!"

o   "They seek him here
     They seek him there
     Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
     Is he in heaven
     Is he in Hell
     That devious Scarlet Pimpernel."

o  B : "Hooray!  It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!"
   EB: "Yes, Baldrick."
   B : "And you killed him!"

4. Sense and Sensiblity

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
EM : Enoch Mossop (Kenneth Connor)

The Prince Regent enlists the aid of two actors to help him write a speech.
But are the actors really anarchists?

o  EB: "They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor they are forced to  
        have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at    
        Christmas.  Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant     
        stalking things."

o  G : "Oh yes, that says 'Here is a man'"
   EB: "Or here are my genitals"
       - Blackadder on the Princes stance advised by the actors

o  G : "What I can't understand is why anyone would want to kill you, 
        Blackadder"
   EB: "I rather think that is was you they were after, your Highness"
   G : "What makes you say that?"
   EB: "Well, the words 'Death to the stupid prince' first brought it to my
        attention"
     
o  G : "Your problem is that you can't tell the difference between acting and
        reality, Blackadder"
       - Prince holding a bomb in his hand

o  EB: "These are volatile times.  The American Revolution lost your father
        the colonies; the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis; and    
        there are great rumblings in Prussia.  Though that may have something
        to do with the sausages."

o  EB: "They do say, Mrs. M., that verbal insults hurt more than physical   
        pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I
        stick this toasting fork in your head."

o  EM: "You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone."
   EB: "I think being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone."

o  B : "My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once."
   EB: "Really?"
   B : "Yeah.  It was called _MacBeth_."
   EB: "And what did he play?"
   B : "Second codpiece.  MacBeth wore him in the fight scenes."
   EB: "So he was a stunt codpiece?"
   B : "Yeah."
   EB: "Was it a large part?"
   B : "Depends on who was playing MacBeth."

o  EB: "And by the end of tonight, I want that dinng table so clean I could
        eat my dinner off it."

5. Amy and Amiability

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
MH : Mr Hardwood (Warren Clarke)

The Prince is low on cash and Edmund sets out to find a suitable dowry
for the Prince to marry.

o  EB: "Honestly, Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican.  Whichever way 
        I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me."

o   G: "The idea of the game is to give away all your money as fast as you can."

o  EB: "...what squirrel...ooohhh, that squirrel."

o   G: "So will I just shimmy up the drainpipe and ask her if she wants to take
        a consignment of German sausage ?"
       
o  EB: "This man probably owns half of Lancashire.  His family has got more 
        mills than you've got brain cells."
   G : "How many mills?"
   EB: "Seven, sir."

o  EB: "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
   B : "No, but I've often thought that I'd like to."
   EB: "Well don't.  It's a ghastly place.  Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men 
        roam the valleys terrifying people with their close-harmony singing."

o  EB: "She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany.  And as  
        you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition."

o  EB: "The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume."

o  EB: "Sir, I come as emissary from the Prince of Wales with the most      
        splendid news.  He wants your daughter Amy for his wife."
   MH: "Well, 'is wife can't 'ave 'er!"

o  EB: "Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?"
   B : "Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron."

o  EB: "But you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair.  It if were, things   
        like this wouldn't happen." (whacks Baldrick on the back of the head)

o  EB: "Mrs. M., if we were the last three humans on earth, I'd be trying to 
        start a family with Baldrick."

o  B : "Hire you a horse?  For ninepence?  On Jewish New Year's Eve in the  
        rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London 
        Town? With the blacksmith's strike in it's fifteenth week and the     
        Dorset Horse-Fetishists' fair tomorrow?"

o  EB: "Oh my god she's been arrested and hanged!"
       - The Prince discovers what happened to his Beloved Amy

o  EB: "Baldrick!  Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new          
        experience!"
   B : "What expericence is that?"
   EB: "Being pleased to see you!"

6. Duel and Duality

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
AW : Arthur, Duke of Wellington (Stephen Fry)
MM : Mad McAdder (Rowan Atkinson)

The Prince "soils" two of the Duke of Wellington's nieces and is challenged
to a duel. Edmund volunteers to fight for the Prince and attempts to get
his cousin, McAdder to fill in for him.

o  EB: "I want to be remembered when I'm dead.  I want books written about  
        me.  I want songs sung about me.  And hundreds of years from now, I 
        want episodes from my life played out weekly at half past nine by   
        some great actor of the age."
   B : "Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard."

o  G : "At the party as I passed, all eyes turned."
   EB: "And I daresay quite a few stomachs."

o  EB: "He's mad, totally mad.  He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, winner of  
        last year's Mr. Madman competition."

o  EB: "We're as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod."

o  EB: "Baldrick, does it have to be this way?  Our valued friendship ending
        with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you
        walked across a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?"

o  AW: "Oh, fatal error!  Give 'em an inch and before you know it they've got
        a foot! Much more than that and you don't have a leg to stand on!"

o  MM: "What's in it for me?"
   EB: "Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.  What do you think?"
   MM: "Fourteen shillings and sixpence?"

o  EB: "Oh, God!  Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more!"

o  EB: "I've looked after you all my life!  Why, even when we were babies, I
        had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks!"

o  EB: "A man may fight for many things:  his country, his principles, his
        friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.  But   
        personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an      
        amusing clock and a stack of French porn."

o  AW: "Your father may be as mad as a balloon, but I think you have the    
        makings of a fine king."

o  G : "I die.  I hope that men will say of me that I did duty by my        
        country."
   EB: "I think that's pretty unlikely.  If I was you I'd try for something
        a bit more realistic."
   G : "Like what?"
   EB: "Err, you hope that men will think of you as a bit of a thickie?"

o  AW: "Those who soil a Wellington put their foot in it. This is not a joke. 
        I don't find my name even remotely funny and those that do end up   
        dead."
       - Duke of Wellington's letter to The Prince Regent

================================ NEED HELP PLACING THESE =================

o  "Well, Baldrick, I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your company 
    and friendship but we both know that that would be an utter lie, so Sod 
    Off and if I ever see you again, it will be a billion years too soon.
       - EB

o  EB: "It's no fun working for a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and 
       all the social grace of a potty."
       - BA3

o   George: "I've just had another brilliant idea."
    Edmund: "Another one?"
    George: "Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants
             on the outside to save on laundry bills."
       - BA3

o   George: "Honestly Blackadder, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm
             some sort of thickie.  Well it's not me that's thick, it's
             you Mr. Thickie Black Thickie Adder Thickie."
       - BA3

o   EB: "One more insult from him and the contract between us
         will be as broken as this milk jug."
     B: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
    EB: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric ?"
         [smashes milk jug over Baldrick's head]

o   EB: "Who me sir?  Mr. Thickie Black Thickie Adder Thickie?
         Mr. hopelessly dribbly, can't write for toffee,
         crappy butler weed?  Mr. extremely under-valued
         butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight."




o  EB: "It is the way of the world, Baldrick.  The abused always kick downwards. 
        I'm annoyed, and so I kick the cat.  The cat pounces on the mouse, and
        finally, the mouse..."
    B: "Ow!"
   EB: "...bites you on the behind."
    B: "What do I do?"
   EB: "Nothing.  You are the last of God's great chain.  Unless, of course, 
        there's an earwig around here that you'd like to victimize."