From: jrussell@well.sf.ca.us (Jerry Russell)
Subject: hello
Organization: Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 17:41:24 GMT


Hello folks,

I've been reading the alt.polyamory postings for the last month
or so.  This is all very intriguing to me.  If you look at my life you
would think I must be a monogamous person, but reading people's
stories makes me suspect there may be a polyamorous person inside
wanting to get out.  I wanted to respond to some of your
comments.

From Muffy:
>   It seems that, as usual, the monogamous entity is assuming that
>   monogamy is the better way and that it is not unreasonable to ask
>   for monogamy on the part of the other person.

A self-realization is dawning.  Of course I always assumed that the
other person wanted monogamy, and so did I.  Perhaps the trouble I had
when I was single was related to the tremendous pressure I felt with
regards to the monogamous ideal.  I always felt that every woman I met
was judging me for my suitability as her lifetime soulmate;  and
I, likewise, was constantly judging by the same criteria.  And
then there was all the sadness I felt about women who
already had boyfriends, and were thus unavailable.

Ugh.  It all was so seriously minded, no wonder I couldn't relax and
have a good time.

I've been interested in polyfidelity since I visited the Kerista commune
in 1989, but it seems that it has the same problems with earnestness
and seriousness.  Maybe you guys are right to call it "couples monogamy."

From Shava,
>  When I was in high school, and sexually active, I was part of a very
>  touchy-feely set.  We were friends, many of us were lovers, serially or
>  simultaneously.  We made tangled piles, watching movies on tv, like a
>  pile of puppies.  We grew up together, and knew each other so well, we
>  didn't have to express rules (and *THAT's* the part that got me into
>  trouble later!).  We discussed Michael Valentine, and greeted each other
>  in the hallways of our highschool with the ameslan sign for "I love you"
>  and saying aloud, "Tat tvam asi!" -- sanskrit for "Thou art God" (liter-
>  ally, "That thou art.")


Wow, that sounds like fun.   You're very lucky.  But then, many of you
seem to feel that love is basically an abundant quantity in the universe.
I'd like to feel that way myself.


From Muffy,
>   I know it's difficult to deal with rejection from
>   people because of who you are, but when you have gone through it enough,
>   it turns out (in my opinion) to be worth it.  I've been through it for
>   intelligence, lack of conformity to standard appearance (clothing,
>   makeup, etc.), age, relationships, interest in computers, reading, etc.
>   After a while, you just say "look, take me as I am or go find someone
>   else."  It is *very* hard, but I'm happy now...*smile*.

I just hate rejection.  My biggest problem is, I seldom have the
slightest clue as to why it happens to me.  People just
clam up and disappear.   Is it because I'm atheist/pantheist, or just didn't
wear enough deodorant?  When I was single it used to drive me nuts.

I've been married 10 years now, and happily so; my wife
is still wildly in love with me, and I with her :-) which
gives me a reserve of self-confidence that I didn't have in my early 20's.
Still, I think dealing with rejection at the hands of polyamorous women
would be an ESPECIALLY  terrible experience for me.
According to their world-view, it would be OK for them to love me
if they wanted.  So a rejection would be specifically stating to
me that I'm somehow not attractive or fun to be with.  This would be
a blow!

I find myself fantasizing about the day-to-day life of the polyamorous.
At the moment I just can't picture myself actually doing it.
I imagine it would involve doing things like going to various
clubs & events, talking to women in classes, flirting a lot, asking for
lunch dates and then weekend jaunts; and then the question, "your
place or mine?"  And playful discussions about monogamy,
commitment, etc.  and the teasing revelation that, though acting
a lot like a single guy, "I'm married and poly*; aren't you?"  Is this the
picture, or have I got the wrong idea completely?

I'm not sure how my wife would feel.  I'm not sure I could do it
without feeling ridiculous or looking ridiculous.  It would
be so much more sensible to just stay home.

I guess I haven't reached any clarity about this yet.    I'd like to hear from
anybody. I get alt.polyamory through the WELL but you can E-Mail me at
"jrussell@oregon.uoregon.edu".

                                          Thanks.



Jerry Russell

Newsgroups: alt.polyamory