From: IDJMW@ASUACAD.BITNET
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: When Does It End?
Date: 12 Nov 92 21:46:07 GMT
Organization: Arizona State University

When does a relationship end? Does it ever end? Does it ever stop
hurting? Or is the Ex-S.O. doomed to return again and again and again
if only to turn the knife a little further, pour the salt in a little
deeper, and see as his duty to remind me that it was of course all my
fault and that if I wasn't so worthless a human being and so horrible
a female that we would have lived happily ever after? And even tho any
feelings I might have had for this person are long over with, dead
and gone, his reappearance is still stressful and angst-causing enough
to make me wonder if he isnt right?


What did I do to deserve this anyhow? And in the end, what does it matter?
No matter how I tried to handle it, no matter how honest I tried to be in
dealing with this person, so matter how logically and honestly I tried
to talk with him, to end the relationship, to remain friendly if not
actually friends, it all went to hell anyhow. So is he right, am I basically
such a bad person that I'm incapable of having any kind of meaningful
relationship with another human being except by E-mail? Is every hurtful
and cruel thing he ever said or did merely a figment of my imagination
and if I was capable of interacting with people face to face none of
this ever would have happened? If a person continually takes this kind
of treatment and abuse from someone else, does everything he say
eventually come true?

And isn't he ever going to just go away and leave me alone?
Is everything always going to be my fault?
Is it impossible for me to have a face to face relationship/friendship/etc
with someone or will I only be able to deal with people by E-mail?
And why would anybody but me care?

The really scary part is that I saw this coming. I saw it coming from the very
beginning, from when we first started talking (on E-mail, in fact), from
day one when everything was always my fault, or in my imagination, or because
of something I must have certainly done. But I didn't run for my life, as
any smart and knowledgable person would have done. I ranted, I raved, I did
whatever it took to make him happy, and then no matter what I did, he wasn't.
And when I confided in friends (which happened to be mutual, unfortunately)
he turned everything around, denied we were ever even close, and painted
me as such a lieing psychopathic crazy woman that it took months if not a year
to straighten things out again even tho those particular friendships were
then lost forever.

And even now, even now I'm tempted to meet with him and "have a talk" as he
is requesting, knowing in my heart full well that it is only going to be
another session of him blaming me for everything, telling me what I
supposedly did, accusing me of ruining his life and turning everyone
against him, and me battling that little part of me so willing to agree
with him and say yes yes it's all my fault I'm a terrible person... I'm
basically bad and unworthy and I deserve to be treated like this anyhow
so I might as well continue in a relationship with a man who's so
perfect and caring and innocent and wonderful. Says he.

Sorry for carrying on so long, but I didn't know who else to whine to!




j.
Newsgroups: alt.sys.sun