From: mickey@bach.udel.edu (Mickey McCarter)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: HHG to ST:TNG (Scenes 9 and 10)
Date: 30 Mar 92 04:29:03 GMT
Organization: University of Delaware

SCENE 9	: Last time, Zaphod and company had regained the Heart of
	  Gold, and the Enterprise was trying to make some tea while
	  the ever-annoying Borg crashes the party by throwing phasers
	  at them ...

Picard	: What do you mean the computer is busy making tea!?

Data	: Sir, you gave the order to make some tea precisely
	  four minutes and thirty-two seconds ago.

Picard	: Dammit, I'm giving the order to _stop_ making tea, now!

The ship rocks again as another wave of Borg's phasers further weakens
the shield.

Geordi	: I'm trying, sir.  But it seems that whenever I kill off
	  a tea process, another two springs up!

Picard	: Then work twice as fast!

Geordi, of course, did not realize that the Nutri-Matic on the Heart
of Gold has managed, through Eddie, to connect with the Enterprise's
main and backup computers in an effort to synthesize a beverage that
is almost, but not quite, entire _not_ unlike tea.

Data	: Sir, my reflexes are faster than Geordi's.  If I connect
	  myself to the main computer, I believe I may be able to
	  shut down all the tea processes.

Picard	: Make it so, Data, and step on it!

Data	: Step on it, sir?

Picard	: DO IT, DATA!

Data	: Yes, sir.

Another shock wave, courtesy of the Borg, sends everyone scrambling.
A Borg materializes on the bridge, grabs Picard, and disappears in
a sizzle of champagne bubbles.

Riker	: (activating the ship's intercom)  This is Commander Riker,
	  your friendly First Officer.  This message is to inform you
	  that Captain Picard has just been kidnapped.  But don't worry,
	  I'm now in charge of this ship.

Worf	: Commander, reports of panic riots are just coming in on decks
	  1, 2, 5, 7 through 11 inclusive, 14, 15, 16, 20 through 25,
	  and more or less the rest of the Enterprise.

Riker	: (activating the ship's intercom again)  This is Commander
	  Riker again.  I repeat, I am now in charge of this ship.
	  There is now absolutely no reason to panic.  You are in
	  very capable hands.

Worf	: Commander, there is now a major traffic jam at all routes
	  to all shuttle bays and all emergency escape modules.

Riker	: Shuttle crafts and escape modules ... of course!  That will
	  give the Borg more targets to worry about, so they wouldn't
	  come and kidnap _me_ as well.  What a faithful and dedicated
	  crew I have, risking their lives to save their First Officer!

The bridge crew silently registered their own opinions on this explanation.

Riker	: (thinking out loud)  No... I can't risk the lives of my crew
	  to save myself.  (commanding)  Worf, seal off all access to
	  shuttle bays and escape modules.

Worf	: Yes, sir.

Wesley	: Commander, the Borg has tractor-beamed us, and is sucking
	  us in!

Riker	: Data, how are you doing on those tea?

There is an uneasy pause.

Riker	: Data?

Wesley	: (reaching over to shake Data)  Data, the tea!

Data	: (slow, mechanical, computerized voice)  tea. synthesization. in.
	  progress. CPU. time. 96.4. percent. estimated. completion. time.
	  ten. minutes. twenty. four. seconds. please. stand. by.

Wesley	: Oh no, the computer's got Data!

Worf	: Commander, the phasers have finally being armed.

Riker	: Mr. Worf, fire!

An impressive array of phaser fires spread out from under the Enterprise,
breaking off a loose screw on the Borg's exterior hull and lightly scratching
its paint.  A tiny service robot screeches out from its power plug nearby,
quickly replaced the screw and, realizing that it bought with it the wrong
color of paint, simply repainted the entire five square kilometers under its
jurisdiction with the new color.

Riker	: Mr. Worf, what's their damage.

Worf	: Sir, sensors indicate that one of their service robots spilled
	  some paint on its left mobile joint.

Riker	: Good.  That 'ought to hold them for awhile.

Troi	: Will, the Captain is in danger!

Riker	: How do you know?  Are you in telepathic contact with him?

Troi	: No, I can see him waving frantically at us through that window
	  on the Borg ship.

Sure enough, the Enterprise has now being drawn uncomfortably close
to the Borg vessel, and through the main viewer, they can see Picard
waving frantically at them from a window, signaling in various sign
languages that now would be a good time for them to beam over and
rescue him.  Meanwhile, a Borg comes up on him from behind, pulls him
away from the window and, very obviously and with unnecessary force,
pulls the shades down on them.

Wesley	: Commander, I think I have detected a weakness in the Borg's
	  system of waste management.  It is ...

Riker	: Their system of what?!

Wesley	: Waste management, sir.  It seems that the Borg have not
	  been taking care of their environment, and some of their
	  water supplies are now so polluted that new life forms
	  are being created from them spontaneously, demanding
	  welfare and voting rights.

Riker	: I see, much like the East River of New York.

Wesley	: Precisely, sir.  And if we can form an allegiance with
	  those life forms, we may be able to overthrow the Borg!

Riker	: Excellent plan, Ensign.  How can we get in contact with
	  these new life forms?

Wesley	: I will need to build a slime-communicator that can
	  transmit spaghetti code, and ...

Riker	: Okay, okay, just do it!

Wesley	: Yes sir!



SCENE 10: While Picard is busy being kidnapped, the crew of the Heart
	  of Gold are busy trying to get back the control of their ship,
	  and convincing Zaphod that he is, in fact, not a fish.

Zaphod	: Of course I'm a fish.  I'm just an insignificant little
	  fish.  The kind that people keep throwing overboard
	  despite me keep biting the bait.

Trillian: You're talking, Zaphod.  Fishes don't talk.

Zaphod	: The Crotesians on Oceania Five do, and they're fish.

Trillian: Yeah, well, but you're not Crotesian.

Zaphod	: No, the Crotesians kicked me out of their system.

Arthur	: Why?

Zaphod	: They hated me.  Everybody do.

Trillian: We don't.

Arthur	: We don't?

Trillian: Shut up, Arthur.  We don't.

Zaphod	: Yes, you do.  Everybody hates me.  Oh, I'm sooooooo depressed.

Meanwhile, Ford has been working on the console, trying frantically to get
Eddie to talk to them.

Ford	: Dammit, I still can't get Eddie to talk to us.

Zaphod	: You see, even a computer won't talk to me.

Trillian: It's not talking to any of us, Zaphod.

Zaphod	: That's because I'm here.  Just throw me overboard, and then the
	  computer will talk to you.  Don't worry about me.  I'm quite used
	  to being thrown overboard, you know.  After all, I'm just an
	  insignificant little fish that nobody wants.  I'm meant to be
	  thrown overboard.

Ford	: Shut up, Zaphod.  Hey Trillian, is that antidote ready yet?

Trillian: I can't make that antidote without Eddie.

Ford	: Oh, great.

Arthur	: Err ...

Ford	: Be quiet, Arthur.  Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate
	  here?  It's bad enough with two depressed heads I don't
	  need any tea-chats as well.

Arthur	: Well, I'd just like to mention that ...

Ford	: Trillian, why don't you just give Zaphod a mirror, some fish
	  pictures, and let him work it out himself.

Arthur	: I think that ...

Trillian: I don't have any fish pictures.

Arthur	: Does anyone know ...

Zaphod	: Why would you want fish pictures when you have a fish?  Oh,
	  I see.  No, you don't have to answer that.  I know.  You
	  prefer pictures over me.  That's understandable.  After all,
	  I'm just an insig...

Ford	: Shut up, Zaphod.

Arthur	: I'm just wondering ...

Zaphod	: ...nificant little fish.

Arthur	: Can I put a word in ...

Trillian: You're not a fish, Zaphod.  Fish live in water.  If you're
	  a fish, you would've suffocated by now.

Slowly, with almost deliberated concentration, both of Zaphod's heads
rise from under his hands and wobbles swimmily toward Trillian.  An
expression of deep concern slowly creeps upon his face like a wall of
thunderclouds rolling across a late summer afternoon sky.

Arthur	: Look here, I think ...

Zaphod	: WATER!!!!

Gasping, two of Zaphod's hands suddenly closed in on his two throats.
His third hand, with no throat to cling to, flings himself off his seat
and onto the floor, thrashing himself about like a fish out of water.

Arthur, refusing to be interrupted this time, tries again.

Arthur	: I think I _know_ ...

With super-Betelguesian strength Zaphod flings himself high above the
floor and, on his way down, knocks Ford off his seat.

Ford	: Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish!!!

Arthur	: The reason why ...

Trillian: Ford!  Watch what you're saying!

Ford picks up his satchel, and swings it hard at Zaphod, knocking out
one of his two heads.  Zaphod, still thrashing about, lands on top of
Ford and knocks him down.  Trillian quickly jumps Zaphod and, with a
quick snap of her wrist, throws two pills of Inst-O-Snooze down his
one still conscious throat.  Zaphod passes out within seconds.

Both Ford and Trillian lie on the deck, panting.

Arthur	: As I was saying ...

He looks around, dully expecting to be interrupted and was so surprised
that he wasn't he fully forgot to finish off his sentence.

He tried again.

Arthur	: As I was saying, I believe the reason why Eddie isn't talking
	  to us, other than the fact that he still has that Stick-O-Tape
	  over his speakers ...

He reaches over and peels off the Stick-O-Tape.  The lights dim for a
brief second as Eddie screams out silently in pain ...

Arthur	: ... is this knob over here marked "Volume" is for some reason
	  set to "0".

He turns up the volume.

Eddie	: Ouch.



Will Riker be able to rescue Captain Picard from the Borg?  Will the
angry crew of the Enterprise storm the bridge demanding democracy?
Will Zaphod be cured of his fishy existence and chronic depression?
And now that Eddie is back, does that mean that Arthur will _finally_
have his tea?  To find out, stay tuned for the next exciting episode
of ...

	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!


-- 
This exciting commentary has been brought to you by mickey@brahms.udel.edu...
For further information, stay tuned to this very newsgroup around this time.
"How can you make a world for people to live in unless you first put order
in yourself?" - George Antrobus (Thorton Wilder's _The Skin of Our Teeth_)


Article 3530 of alt.fan.douglas-adams: