From: megazone@obsidian.WPI.EDU (MegaZone23)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
Subject: Re: "Ode to a Bitch", critical analysis, line by line / Marek
Date: 20 Dec 1992 00:57:25 GMT
Organization: WPI USAF -- United Society of Animation Fans
NNTP-Posting-Host: obsidian.wpi.edu

In article <1992Dec18.230133.7214@news.cs.indiana.edu> "Marek Lugowski" <marek@moose.cs.indiana.edu> writes:
>In article <92353.194136ESB107@psuvm.psu.edu> KeyMaster <ESB107@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>>In article <1992Dec18.173037.1@vax1.umkc.edu>, kmwilson@vax1.umkc.edu (Ken M.
>>Wilson) says:
>>>Ode to a Bitch:
>>i thought this was a place for poems,
>> to be written, read and critiqued

Yes....

>>not crap like this

That is a personal subjective judgement... personally I liked it simply because
of the style and honesty... I don't particularly like the content, but I am 
well aware that such things happen in the world...

>> this isn't poetry, this is sick

Actually, I think it fits the definitions of poetry rather well...

So, how do you feel about rap music? Is it music or just sick? Industrial?
Death rock? I think it is all music myself and I listen to most anything...
(Ok, I dislike country... has something to do with hearing it 8hrs a day 5days
a week at an old job...)

>> poetry has meaning behind it...

There are plenty of nonsense poems out there... Poems with little meaning,
meant to entertain.. or perhaps that is the meaning... 'Bitch" reports on
something that is part of the world around us... hookers are visible in most
cities, at least where I've been, and the johns are there... And murder is not
uncommon...

>supremely more palatable comparing to the hundreds of muddled,
>unclear, sophomoric, unfocused poems of delicate love/longing we
>see on rap every year, which are artless by comparison with this poem.

While I agree with most of what Marek said in analysis I disagree here... 
People write for different reasons, and have different skills... I really don't
think I'm any good, but I write to express emotions or thoughts, or to vent
tensions... So I may write a sickeningly sweet poem thinking about my SO, or
I write about cutting my arm to avoid picking up the habit again... I find it
hard to write a focused poem about a nebulous emotion... 

I agree with all the points but...

>8.  It is tender.

I did not find this... I simply saw it as a john who intended to purchase the
services of a whore being beaten out by another murdering john...

>12: The woman in the poem sounds nice.  I'd have liked to meet her,

Simply sounds like a prostitute to me... (Note: Do not read positives or 
negatives into that.. I use the word whore simply as carreer descriptions.)

>>>    I reach in my pocket and pull out a wad,
>The rhythmn seem to collapse.  Oh well.  Omisison of "and" would help,
>tightening it. 

How about...
Reach in my pocket, pull out my wad

of course that is only 9 syllables... keep the first I for 10...

>>>    I can feel my erection while eyeing her bod.
>Major blunder: "erection" is out of kilter here metrically and semantically.
>You want "hard on".  Also, omit "can" and "while" -- again, tightening.

Agreed... 
I feel my hard on, eyeing her bod

I seem ot have this thing for 9 syllables... I guess it just sounds better
to me... the As would keep 10...

>>>    As I start to approach her and give her my dough,
>I will offer a risky alternative, but you might like it: 
>     "I fix to come near er to give er my dough,"

I fix to come near her, give her my dough.

>>>    Another guy takes her, that ooze-dripping ho.
>Change "that" to "my" and you infuse the poem with unmistakenable affection.

I don't see affection... more along the lines of lust....


>>>    She would've been better off, being my bitch.
>Pretty good ending.  "bein'".  Other possibilites:

I like the bein'...

>     "She'd been better off becoming my bitch"

This is good....

>     "She would have been better off as my bitch"

I don't think this has the same tone as the rest, sounds too uppity to me...

Disclaimer: As anyone who knows me can tell you, I dislike the mistreatment of
anyone, period. I don't like the ideas in the poem, but they are reality and I
can't ignore that....

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