From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink)
Subject: MUSHY ROMANCE LETTER #1
Organization: Turkey Hall
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 05:23:13 GMT

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's Samuel "me" Stoddard himself, back again
to terrorize the most distant reaches of rec.humor!!

First up from Turkey Hall:  see if any of you people can actually read this
without throwing up from all the gushy-mushiness in it....

Thanks to Robert Herrick for the poetry.

=============================================================================

My sweet little pumpkin, you don't know how much you've meant to me, and though
we have only known each other for a short while, our times together have been
so precious to me....  Dearest honey bunch, you have an essence that traps
my soul.  No matter how hard I try, I can't avoid it.  I want to run, to
hide from your charms, your wit.  But you have captured my very spirit and
entranced it so that I want so much to lose myself in the paradise of your
arms....  Though I've known you, Sweet Snickle Puss, but for an instant,
it has meant an eternity of joy to me....  Mon Petite Chou, canst thou not
look upon me in fair light, and accept my warm embrace...?  If only to save
a soul from the torturous rigor of emptiness, perchance?  My Darling Squidgy
Face, my undying love for you is beyond expression.  It is beyond the glorious
euphoria of the True Love in fairy tales....  It is beyond the dramatic
portrayal of selflessness in epic fantasy.  It is humbled by depiction in
those movies, where the handsome prince and beautiful princess come together
at the end, for that one screen-filling, ticket-selling, heart-thumping kiss.

[Name]ipoo, my sweetie cakes, can you not see?  Can you not hear?  Can you
not know the burning I feel within me, every time your presence graces mine
eyes...?  Even the sound of your name works my soul into blissful ecstasy.
Princess of my life, joy of my heart; how I long for you day and night!
Smile of my face, queen of my dreams...tears of my eyes....

Beloved, when thy [your name] dies,
Close thou up thy poet's eyes:
And his last breath, let it be
Taken in by none but Thee.

You are the butter of my toast.  The peanut butter of my jelly.  The icing
of my cake.  The milk of my corn flakes.  The apples of my pie.  The cheese
of my omelette.  Alas, but my very existence would lack purpose, if your
loving embrace were lost to me.  DNA of my system...white cells of my blood.
My Little Dumpling, you are the very life upon which I stand.  You are the
keyboard of my computer.  The one of my prime numbers.

And surely the most, the very inspiration behind my poetry.

To make a final conquest of all of me --
Love did compose so Sweet an enemy;
That while you with your eyes, my heart does bind;
You with your voice, do captivate my mind.

[Name]woo, when I first laid eyes upon Thee, I knew at once we were destined
to be together....  Honey...baby...darling...sweetheart life-of-my-life,
light-of-my-eyes.  Can a single soul comprehend the fiery beating of my heart
when you are near...?  Oh, how my spirit staggers, overwhelmed by the
heavenly aura that surrounds you...which none could ever blemish.

If I could rearrange the alphabet...I'd surely put U and I together....

Hunchy Buns...wouldst thou ever accept me into your arms?  Ah, but what a
sweet song my heart would make, if only given a single moment to rest in
your warm embrace.  How I long for you to possess my soul!  No better paradise
could exist outside of your presence.  Sweetie Cakes...Snookie Wookums...oh
how gushy my heart feels when thoughts of you enter my head...!  Oh how I
cling to them, day and night, to lean on...to get me through each and every
day.  For you, I would gladly die...yet also for you, I would gladly live.

Bid me to live, and I will live,
	Sadly, though it be:
But bid me love, and I will give,
	A loving heart to Thee.
A heart as soft, a heart as kind,
	A heart as sound and free,
As in the whole world thou canst find,
	That heart I give to Thee.
Bid that heart stay, and it will stay,
	To honor Thy decree:
or bid it languish quite away,
	And that it'd do for Thee.
Bid me to weep, and I will weep,
	While I have eyes to see:
And having non, yet I will keep
	A heart to weep for Thee.
Bid me despair, and I'll despair,
	Under that Cypress tree:
Or bid me die, and I will dare
	E'en Death, to die for Thee.
Thou art my life, my love, my heart,
	The very eyes of me:
And hast command of every part,
	To live and die for Thee.

And were this not all....  Oh, but your father must have been a thief!
He stole the stars from the skies, and put them in your eyes....

My undying love is purest beauty...that which nature could not possibly
understand.  My sweet little boopsie...sweet little pot pie....  The very
essence of my being revolves around you.  I try and try to think of yet more
ways of serving you...to make you happy....  Seeking not for myself, but
solely for you.  Would I not give a thousand times, were I able to offer
comfort or peace!  Darling Thunder Tongue...your beauty is beyond
description.  It overpowers my soul, so that I am no longer able to function.
Even what I express to you now must be done through email, for in person,
my heart would become too overwhelmed....  My mind would stammer, and my
blood run fast.  Bitsy Pookums...what I would not give to spend an eternity
beside you....  To hear the sound of your voice; to feel your gentle touch.

Poopsie whoopsie, puddly wuddly snuggly cutie schnookums sugar cakes with
a sweetie honey woney kissie wissie on top...I love you.  I love you
with an insurpassable passion....

How long, Love Muffin, wilt thou see
	Me languish for the love of Thee?
Consent and play a friendly part
	To save; when thou may'st kill a heart.

'Tis Ev'ning, my Sweet, and dark; let us meet --

Give me one kiss, and no more;
If so be, this makes you poor;
To enrich you, I'll restore,
For that one, two thousand score....

And shouldst thou ask me, Dear, wherefore,
I do write of Thee no more:
I must answer, Sweet, thy part--
Less is here...than in my heart.
-- 
##############################  Swan  ##############################
## Just my luck.  I buy a suit with two pairs of pants, and I end ##
## up getting shot in the arm.      -- Art Carney, "Izzy and Moe" ##
####################################################################
## ss1@kepler.unh.edu       rink@unh.edu        ss1@bofur.unh.edu ##
####################################################################
## AAH!  The fuel light is on!  We're running out of fuel!  We'll ##
## all die!!  Oh wait, that's the intercom light. -- The Far Side ##
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 1992 14:21:22 GMT
Subject: Goodbye Woody Allen
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO