From: conditt@tsd.arlut.utexas.edu (Paul Conditt)
Subject: Re: Dancing with commitment & dating & sex
Organization: Applied Research Laboratories, University of Texas at Austin
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 20:38:08 GMT

In article <1993Jan21.121304.13900@bsu-ucs> 00sanaylor@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu writes:
>Here's a note.  I just got married about 5 months ago.  My wife and I dated
>for 3 years.  It was also our courtship; by that I mean by COURTING, we found
>out that we were compatible with each other and developed our friendship,
>which developed into a sincere love for each other as individuals.
>
>By dating, you find out if you are interested in OTHER people.  By courting,
>you see what develops.  Dating (read "Scott doesn't think this will get you
>a seat right next to the furnace...") involves selection; courting involves
>commitment and relationship development.

Good definition of the difference between dating and courtship.

>
>to refrain from sexual activity until after we were married. 
>
>In short (the moment you've all been waiting for...) it's about self-control.

Scott, I wish it were that simple.  I'm not flaming you, but wanting to
point out a philosophy that so many Christians have that does a lot of
damage.  Our society, our families and even our churches have taught us a 
very warped view of sexuality.  I grew up with the attitude that you can't
have sex until you're married, and you shouldn't even think about it until
then.  And, if you don't talk about it, then it's not a problem.  Well,
my body has been capable of having sex for many years, but I'm not married
so I don't have any "proper" outlet for my sexuality.  We should be teaching
our children what sex is really all about.  I'm not talking necessarily a
"how-to" talk, or the dangers of AIDS and other STDs, although these are
important issues.  What I'm talking about is a healthy view on what sex is
for, what it's not for, what needs it meets and things like that.

Our world tells us that we are defined by our sexuality.  Our churches often
tell us that our sexuality is not really a part of us, or at least not
until we're married.  I think that we need to address this issue in 
a healthy manner on ground somewhere in between the two extremes, while
always keeping in mind what God says about us.  We are *not* defined by
our sexuality, but it *does* have a strong impact on us, even if we're *not*
married.  In order to practice abstinence, I think we need to have a 
healthy view of what sex is all about.  We hear that it's a lot of fun and
that it's fine to have sex without commitment from the world.  From the
church we hear that it's not ok at all to even think about it unless you're
married.

Many of us try to get certain needs met through sexual activity.  Needs like
acceptance, companionship, feeling loved, which are probably part of what
sex is supposed to enhance.  However, sex can also become an addiction or a
control issue.  I know of several strong Christians who are part of a sex
and love addicts group.  I think that the conflicting messages we are
bombarded with accompanied by an unrealistic and unhealthy concept of what
love and sex really mean, and how they relate.

I know many people who would feel a great relief, myself included, when
abstaining from sexual activity does become a matter of "just" self-control.
Again, I'm not trying to deny that what you said about self-control is true,
but just to point out that it's not quite that simple for many single
Christians, and married ones, too, for that matter.

Obr.m.c. - Are there any songs out that deal with this kind of stuff?

>
>
>
>Scott "Abstinence is underrated, but tedious" Naylor
>Ball State University
>Muncie, Indiana
>snaylor@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
>
>(Or, yell really loudly; I hear fairly well) 


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