From: nedervol@schaefer.math.wisc.edu (Eric Nedervold)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: expressing anger
Date: 29 Sep 92 22:12:27 GMT
Article-I.D.: schaefer.1992Sep29.221227.9227
Organization: Univ. of Wisconsin Dept. of Mathematics


I've been delaying adding my two cents on expressing anger until I had
time to do it well, but decided to give up on quality in the interest
of doing it before the thread entirely vanishes.

In working around issues of anger, I've found that most of the
resistance comes from fear of the anger itself, whether fear of the
angry person of what they might do, or fear of anyone present of
seeing the anger expressed.  Depending on one's family and cultural
background, seeing anger expressed can scare the bejesus out of
you--even if the anger is justified and non-violently expressed.

In moving from California (where a much more Mediterranean approach to
emotions and their free expression is common) to Wisconsin (where a
much more Northern European and Lutheran approach to suppression of
emotions is common), I've found that I have a hell of a time getting
people to be direct with me about their anger.  I'd rather know if
someone's unhappy with a situation.  I find someone saying, "You know,
I'm really pissed off at you" refreshing.

On the flip side, I find that here I occasionally scare the hell out
of people when I express my anger.  In many families, no one expresses
anger unless the rage has built up so high that all normal inhibitions
crumble before it, and so for people who come from families like
these, anger expressed may very well be a sign of impending violent
behavior and hence is to be feared.  For people who come from cultural
backgrounds like this, soothing or suppressing someone else's anger is
the only safe thing to do.

On the other hand, for those who easily and comfortably express their
emotions of anger appropriately (without violence, without aiming it
inappropriately, and with consideration for the emotions of the people
present during expression), anger need not be threatening or
frightening.  This is what I try to work towards.

Anger is.  It is a sane and healthy response to injustice or abuse.
It is a natural response to frustration.  I can't choose not to be
angry; all I can do is to decide whether to acknowledge it or not.

I've learned to acknowledge my anger.  I don't have temper tantrums,
but I often tell people when I feel anger about things they do.  This
doesn't mean I necessarily yell at them, though I may; it just means
that I acknowledge my anger.  By facing my anger regularly, it doesn't
have a chance to back up and then explode out at inappropriate times
or at the wrong person.  It's like clearing the leaves out of the rain
gutters in the roof regularly.

As I've learned to express my anger more, I've learned to trust it
more.  Ofttimes when someone is lying to me or cheating me, I first
know it by noticing anger--long before my conscious intellect
recognizes what's going on.  In acknowledging it when I feel it, I've
learned that anger for me isn't necessarily linked to loss of temper
or unfair attacks.  I've learned that suppressing anger often involves
suppressing recognition of some truth; that being angry isn't "being
emotional" or "irrational", that in anger I find a lot of truth.  In
fact, after I acknowledge my anger, I usually understand the situation
far better.

So how does one express one's anger?  The key seems to be like Nike
Corporation's advice on exercising: just do it.  Of course, just as
you shouldn't do a marathon the first day you put on running shoes,
it's probably not a good idea to vent years of anger in one sitting.
I find it was really important for me to learn to know my anger first
and decide if I could trust it.  If I'm not sure if my anger is
legitimate or not, I don't risk doing wrong by expressing it to the
person I'm angry at; I find a third person willing to and comfortable
with listening to my anger about the situation.  If I were afraid that
my anger would turn violent, I'd express it alone in the middle of the
woods where I couldn't hurt anyone.  (A friend of mine buys a dozen
eggs and throws them one by one at trees and enjoys the destruction.)

The key idea here is to unlink anger from hurting others so you can
trust your anger.  (If you're worried about hurting yourself in
expressing your anger, I don't have any advice other than to say this:
please don't hurt yourself.  This hasn't been an issue for me
personally so I can't speak to it.  Maybe someone else has
suggestions.)

The other part is to cultivate friends with whom it's okay to be
angry.  A key part of this is being willing to reciprocate: you have
to learn to be comfortable with listening to someone else's anger.
Setting ground rules to establish safety helps.  When someone
expresses anger, I ask myself if they're just expressing their anger
about someone else, or unfairly turning it on me.  If it's not aimed
at me, I remind myself of that, remind myself that there is no threat
to me, and consciously relax myself.  Some friends say they imagine
themselves to be a window, and the anger expressed goes right through
them.  If I feel unsafe, I give myself permission to say, "I
acknowledge your anger, but I feel unsafe right now and can't listen
any further."  A friend of mine once said while listening to someone's
anger, "I'm comfortable with your anger, but your volume frightens me.
Can you rage more softly?"

Getting started can be hard.  Aside from being scary, if you have
years of anger built up, the sheer pressure of backed-up emotion is
legitimately frightening.  And if your anger is such that you can't
express it all at one time, it doesn't necessarily especially good to
express it.  You feel bad before you express it; you still feel bad
afterwards.  Acknowledging anger can be hard on your body.  The
stomach churns; adrenaline throws your blood chemistry off.  Being
numb seems like a better alternative.  This is especially true if your
anger is entangled with feelings of self-blame, which may be the case
for survivors of rape or incest or domestic violence or homophobia or
racism or anyone who's been the victim of societal "blame-the-victim"
games.  But for me it was like cleaning out the leaves in the rain
gutters; after letting it back up for a long time, the job seemed
insurmountable.  But working on it day by day for a very long time,
despairing that I would ever see the end of it, I eventually got it
down to a manageable level, and now that the backup is cleared,
keeping it clear is easy.  Acknowledging the smaller amounts of anger
appropriately is actually pleasant work.

Practice makes perfect.  For me, it's a process of getting to know
myself and facing my emotions, both my anger and my fears.  My
relationships have deepened as friends have allowed me to be all of
myself and I've allowed myself to be present with all of them.  And I
think this reflects my belief that ultimately, Truth is not scary but
rather comforting.  I haven't yet met anyone who's regretted looking
more closely at their anger, any more than I've met anyone who's
regretted taking a good look at what was underneath their homophobia.
You just find out who you really are.  Come to think of it, the
homophobia/phobophobia analogy seems to work in a lot of ways.

Anyway, these are some of my ideas.  If any of them work for you,
fine.  If not, throw them out.  Good luck with all.

--Eric
Newsgroups: soc.bi