HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: sasejg@viceroy.unx.sas.com (Libby Gell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: first post
Date: 17 Apr 92 17:36:23 GMT
Organization: SAS Institute Inc.
Originator: sasejg@viceroy.unx.sas.com
X-Bytes: 1717

Keywords:

  Hello all. I've been reading for several months and am just posting
now. I'm reluctant to post for several reasons, one biggy being that
I have a boundaries problem, if you can imagine, and am trying hard
not to save others at the expense of saving myself.
  Nonetheless, I am surprised at how appreciative and warm I have
felt towards many of the people posting here. It has also been VERY
helpful to me to hear people freely airing their issues...helpful
in helping me recognize and accept some of my own dynamics.
   I feel fairly fortunate to have started dream analysis a few
months after my father died. Sexual abuse was only a far-fetched
possibility in the back of my mind. Over the last year and a half
since then, my dreams have hinted more and more closely at that
possibility. Now they are getting pretty blatant and "close to home".
I guess there could still be a whole lot more sh*t to hit the fan
as the feelings return with this information. I suppose this is also
by way of saying that I believe there is some "intelligence" or
"spirit" that seems to know what I can deal with at various points,
so I suppose it must be there for anyone else who wants it. I'm
coming to know what "faith" is, that whatever is coming at me will
(hopefully!) not be more than I can deal with or come too soon.
   Mother is coming to visit. I intend to ask her if she knows of
any "traumas" in my childhood she can help me remember. Fortunately,
I am feeling less of a need for verification from her, as I'm
becoming more sure of it myself. I'm pretty anxious about her being
here for three days though. Well enough for now. Best wishes to
all of you out there who have come so far through so much.
Libby
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar.319@wpi.wpi.edu (Edward Tyrrill) 
Subject:  finding a long lost perp
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1992 03:40:12 GMT

APS-Name: Edward Tyrrill

Hi Folks,

I just talked to my mom again.  She's trying to hunt down Phil (my
perp).  And that kinda scares me.  If I had known where he was a 
couple months ago I would have gone and killed him.  I fantasized
about just beating him to a pulp with my bare hands.  And him
getting up every time after I hit him so I could hit him again
and again and again until my hands were covered with his blood
and finally he lay on the ground and didn't get up ever again.
(I've a pretty muscualr build too).  

But now I don't think I could do that.  I hold human life in high
regard...even of scum like him.  Besides.  Death is too easy.  He
deserves to suffer more.  Like I have.

But I don't know what I'd do if my mother found him.  I didn't even
think to ask why she was looking for him.  If she wanted to turn him
in to the police, or if she just wanted to ask him, "How the hell
could you do this to my son"?  I was just too taken back to ask her
when she told me.  

The last time she (or I) had any contact with him was nearly fourteen
years ago.  When I was nine years old.  So he could be anywhere by
now.  Or dead even.  So I dunno.  I might not have anything to worry
about.  But I'm still worried.  How would I react if I knew where he
was?

Also.  My mom totally blames herself for what happened to me.  And
I think it would probably be a good idea for her to see a counselor.
But like me she could never afford it.  (I get counseling for free
at the counseling center on campus).  Any suggestions on places she
might go?  She lives in southern california (like me) if that helps
any.


| Edward Tyrrill               |   The "War on Drugs" is a war on *people*.   |
| cerebus@ucrmath.ucr.edu      |        Don't apply YOUR morals to ME.        |

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From: luallin2386@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: thelma and louise (movie)
Date: 16 Apr 92 16:51:07 -0500
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

In article <2255@transfer.stratus.com>, Laurie Mann writes:
> 
> Other movies that are fun to see if you're in an awful
> mood are Tootsie, Soapdish, Splash, Victor/Victoria,
> Hannah and her Sisters.

and don't forget Dangerous Liasons, which is, imho, the absolute BITCHIEST
movie ever made, a HS friend and I used to rent it whenever the PMS got bad...
*snork* and every time you watch it, you catch a new element that you missed
before....
> 
> * NeXT: lmann@vineland.pubs.stratus.com  GEnie,AOL: Laurie.Mann *
> ***    I guess we all have to fall apart a little, once in    ***
> ***   a while, in order to rebuild our dreams.  Tappan King   ***
From: v130py5w@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: test
Date: 14 Apr 92 20:15:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Apr14.190402.4896@acsu.buffalo.edu>, v130py5w@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE) writes...
>test
>sorry this thing won't let me post stuff
>ReNeE


sure now it works.....

i've been depressed lately, last night i kept from cutting myself to try not\
to think about stuff. I feel like i'm faking my recovery. Like i'm skirting
it and avoiding it. like i'm ignoring it. i don't know what to do
i'm lonely....
i'm scared....
all i want is some one to cry on.......to hold and never let go
i feel cheated, and abandoned and pissed! and sad all at once
my emotions are going crazy
i can't control them
i don't want to......sigh.......

i hate then for what they did to me...I HATE THEM .......i do i HATE THEM SO ..
MUCH IT HURTS.......I hate them ALL......HHHHAAATTTTEEEEEE..... i HATE HATE them
!!!!!! i hope they burn in the fires of hell....i hope that they die a firey
death wide awake.....i hope they suffer so great as their flesh burns away that
no one has ever suffered such a fate (besides other perps). I hope they scream
in agony as the devils little minions come and stab them with there pitch forks
and drag them into hell.......I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've never been
able to say that but i do i HATE THEM ALL......

i want to cry so bad that it hurts......
i need to cry but.....why do i have to make it so hard?........why can't i just
let go?......i know the answers but.........so what! so what if i know why i 
can't cry, cause i know means i can't?.....if only i had someone.....sigh..

sorry this is so down but one minute i'm o.k. the next i want to disappear 
{which wouldn't help any} or to jump off a bridge {which i don't think i'd do
either}.........sniff....sniff...

:^( i hope you all out there are doing better then me and i hope i don't worry
anyone to much, don't worry i'll bouce back i always do......
ReNeE
From: 00rmosadczuk@bsu-ucs.uucp
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Some replies and a few questuions
Date: 8 Apr 92 05:50:26 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-ucs.1992Apr8.005026.5832

Well, to begin with, I did get everyones replies and support, and it was
GREATLY appreciated!!!  Thank you all so much for accepting me and being so
kinf.  It has taken me a while to get up the courage to post again and to reply
to all of the replies that I am getting, but I am trying to...

Now for some questions...

I have a very deep need for affection, it comes from some place inside of me,
and I am not sure where...  I like to be kissed and flirted with (by people
that I  know are "safe" - i. e. know m,e and know when to stop and are good
freinds).  In fact I feel a deep need for it.  It is not a need for attention,
but rather a need to affection, and I was wondering exactly how common it is
for others to feel that way...

Also, the one thing that I do remember very clearly about the abuse is at times
I *did* say yes to it, I wanted it and the feeling associated with it. 
Recently this has been a big problem with me.  I feel that I traded my soul in
for a good feeling, and I am having trouble deaaling with that.  I am a
somewhat (I would like to think very) moral person, I am not Christian. but I
do NOT sleep around or lie to people.  Now I would never do that sort of a
thing, and I feel like a whore for doing it then.  I can not remember how it
all started, the rest of the memories are clear but the begining, so I can not
remember if I originally agreed to it or not, and I remain very confused about
the entire issue and whether or not it really was rape.  I was between 3 and 6
at the time (as I said - I major memory block that  has just been completely
wiped) and it was at this time that my father started beating me also.. sigh
so my mind hes decided to forget the entire thing.  How do you know if it is
rape?  I am having an EXTREMELy difficult time dealing with the fact that if it
was not then what I did, to me now, is horrible...  sigh...

And about the flashbacks - I need suggestions about what to do when they are
had when you are in an intimate situation with your SO, I have not YET had them
then, but I have had then directly before and afterwards...

Sigh...

Well, please, any replies to any parts would be appreciated, and EVENTUALLY
replied to (yes, I am a bit slow, I admit ;-)).

THank you all for you acceptance and support, and good luck to all of you in
your own healing process..

Love and Friendship - 

Ladyhawke
From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: RE: Overt paedophilia IS sexual abuse (Re: sex/power)
Date: 15 Apr 92 22:57:08 GMT
Organization: NIST

I sense we really agree here.  The tone of what Peter said is quite different
than the tone of what you say, which is what disturbed me.

In a previous article, gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl) wrote:
>- there's a difference between feeling shame for something you did and
>   feeling shame for something that was done to you

Big difference.  This is the difference between the abuser and the abused.

>- there's a difference between feeling shame for who you are and feeling
>   shame for what you've done

This is important.  An abuser should not feel shame for who they are, but
for what they have done.  I sensed that Peter was shaming them about who they
are, not what they have done.  There is a big difference here, although
the difference in methods is probably quite subtle.

>- there's a difference between feeling shame out of taking responsibility
>   for your own actions and feeling shame because somebody else shamed you

Yes, I agree here, too.

I do not, however, see that shame can be that constructive.  Feeling ashamed,
IMHO, does not do much to change behavior.  Feeling ashamed of what one
has done in the past can make on remember what they have done so that
they do not repeat these behaviors.  However, to me, and in my experience,
shame was something which killed my self-esteem.  I have done some lousy
things in my life, as have just about everybody.  But when I feel shame over
them, my self-esteem goes to pot, and it takes awhile to recover any of it
(this has happened to me lately).  When I can look at these things that I
have done, not feel ashamed of them, but realize that these are things that
are now a part of my life and hope I've learned enough from my experience
not to repeat these, then I not only have learned, but I feel good about
myself.

Something tells me, though, that we are talking about the same thing,
but using different language.

                                                                        __
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \/
From: bouchard@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Hilary )
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Thank You for the Advice/Update
Date: 10 Apr 92 14:28:45 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center


Thank You Everyone for your words of support and advice!  The sisters and I
have our copies of "Courage to Heal", and hope to find time between classes
and work to read them.  I thought I`d update everyone as to what we have 
decided to do.  We are entitled to 5 free psych. sessions at the school
hospital, so we made an appointment for a simultaneous session, during 
which it was decided that we three would meet with the counselor as a 
group once a week and each meet with her once a week individually as well.
Has anyone else tried this kind of approach?  It seems like a reasonable
solution...although I am not sure that this counselor is the *right* one.
Is it standard practice to prescribe antidepressant drugs to incest/rape
victims on the first visit, without a complete psych. profile, and/or
complaints of depression?  All three of us refused the prescriptions because
we feel uncomfortable using drugs as a solution for our insecurities and
tendencies toward self-destructive behavior.  I don`t believe that any of
us are what could be termed clinically depressed or suicidal.       

In any case, I am hopeful that with help we can resolve our internal battles,
and I`d like to thank everyone that gave me that much-needed push!

Thanks,
Hilary

P.S. Does anyone know the Statute of Limitations of minor rape in Massachusetts
     that is effective and retro-active now, or was in effect in 1986?


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: fields@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Matthew Fields)
Subject: Re: sex/power
Organization: University of Michigan EECS Dept., Ann Arbor
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 20:27:09 GMT

In article <2482@keele.keele.ac.uk> csz55@seq1.keele.ac.uk (Christopher Wrigley) writes:
...
>probably be so. However, ascetic, inhibited, restrained and guilt-ridden
>attitudes of todays society continue to turn it's people into molesters,
>monsters and perverts that plague it's children and remits such
>radicalism back into the face of... future generations. 

HELLO. I see we have a much greater distance to bridge in order to
begin to be able to communicate with each other.  To say that the
surface taboos against open talk about sexuality are a main cause of
abuse is to bulldoze over the fact that these taboos are supported by
power differentials; to suggest that "society turns its people into
molesters" is to ignore the responsibility of individual adults.
I certainly agree that there's a sociological factor in the fact that
we are made to feel that as kids we can't talk to anyone when a grownup
is abusing us, but I don't think you've quite got your verbal finger on
what that factor is. IMHO the continued belief that women and children
are property is much more apropos.

I think we'll have to factor this in before we can get to the core of our
discussion.

-Matt
From: bxb@calmasd.Prime.COM (Birny Baker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Revealation after yet another series of flashbacks
Keywords: Hello
Date: 9 Apr 92 20:07:45 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Computervision, San Diego, CA


Hello everyone, 

Some of you may know me from the More Than Survival mailing list, 
otherwise, this is the first time I've posted to a.s.a.r.. Over there
I'm also know as Krystalynne.. 

I had a relieveing revealation this weekend that I want to share,
something I'm not prone to doing all to often when it comes to 
recovery. 

For as long as I can remember I've had a danger signal go off in my
head when I consider a relationship with a man who has either blonde
(really blond) or black hair. The 11th of this month will be 2 months
I've been in a relationship that is headed for marriage. This man is
so special and wonderful, knowing and accepting me for all my faults
and fears. He's got black hair.  A little voice has been going off in
my head when I think of him or look at his picture. Oral sex has been
a real difficult thing due to the abuse, I was really having a hard 
time understanding why till this weekend. I made him stop and we 
talked, I cried in his arms about my anger towards my perp not letting
me live my life, even though he's dead and it's been 9 years since the
last incident. Then out of the blue I had a vision of my perps wedding
picture. Something I'd never considerd before, and the only thing that
stood out in the picture was his black hair. Following that I told my
SO about it, feeling flooded with anger but at the same time being 
happy that I finally had a basis for my anxiety towards hair color.
That then made me realize the blond hair was my brother...  

Today when I discussed this with a friend I also realized that little
nagging voice has quieted to almost being non-existent... 

I'm a happier woman today :)  

Peace love and healing to us all! 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar.310@wpi.wpi.edu  
Subject:  Thanks
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 12:30:55 GMT

APS Name: November

To Sharon and Black Pearl, thank you for your welcome and support.
It reminds me of when I was a kid,connected only by reading science
fiction and listening to shortwave radio.I remember those voices from 
a distance on my headset. I wanted to connect.I won't soon forget
what it felt like to see your replies on my monitor. Even with the
support I have its a great comfort to cut through another layer of 
isolation, it means a lot. This is one hell of a process to take on and 
accept but I personally feel more hope than despair.This group is another
way for me to confront my internalized messages that can trigger shame
and acting out the abuse.

--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
Test path/get alias:		asar-ping@wpi.wpi.edu
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: ways to express,attn.changeling
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date: 16 Apr 1992 17:19 EST  

In article <1992Apr16.153730.1@eagle.wesleyan.edu>, dlack@eagle.wesleyan.edu writes...
>this is about ways to get this whole bunch of baggage we carry around OUT OUT
>OUT OUT OUT of our heads. we can post here probably a lot easier than talk to
>others because the screen is no judge. If we can write here... communication is
>so very important, especially with close friends or an SO, WRITE IT DOWN. give
>your spew of ideas to someone who will really hear them. OR Go outside and 
>scream
>it at the waves if you're near a beach. 
>Don't not talk. GET IT OUT OUT OUT!!!

One of my techniques is to post to asar and let my allies know that I've 
done so.  It makes it a little easier to start a conversation about my 
healing than just walking up to them and saying "oh, by the way...".

I've always found writing much easier.  I can be emotionless, to a greater 
degree, when I'm writing.  I'll write something, give it to the person, and 
the discussion goes from there.  Sometimes works...

Gentleness to all!
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: replies and personal ravings
Date: 17 Apr 92 17:45:31 GMT
Organization: NIST

In a previous article, asar.321@wpi.wpi.edu (Uffah) wrote:
>To Sim: I know of a list called cdforum, but when I sent off a request to
>        join a week ago I have heard nothing back, maybe I screwed up.


From the soc.motss list of lists...

* Transgen    

Subscriptions: listserv@brownvm (BITNET) or
               listserv@brownvm.brown.edu (Internet)

Posting:       transgen@brownvm (BITNET) or
               transgen@brownvm.brown.edu (Internet)

 Transsexual, transgender, transvestite discussion and    
 support.      

_____

Send a message to the listserv address appropriate to you and you should
hear from them shortly.  Good luck.  I do not know how active this group is.


                                                                        __
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \/
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: bev@opusc.csd.scarolina.edu (Beverly Huntsberger)
Subject: Re: my therapist
Organization: Univ. of South Carolina, Columbia
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1992 20:04:16 GMT

In <1992Apr1.222345.21727@wpi.WPI.EDU> asar.306@wpi.wpi.edu (Ruby June) writes:

>APS-Name: Ruby June

>My therapist went on vacation recently.  I try to
	...
>And here's where I'd like your help (my regrets
>it took soo long to get here).  I feel really
>angry at her sense of timing.  I've tried to
>look at several perspectives to justify her
>choice.  The best I can come up with is poor
>judgement .. this is the first time I've felt
>anything but good feeling about her judgement
>and professional skill. 

>Can you see a part I'm not seeing ?  Is it a

>Thanks for listening.  

	No problem, glad to listen.

	I'm no expert. Here's what I wondered:
	Have you told your therapist that you
	felt some anger with her? I know the 
	first time I managed to tell a therapist
	that I had experienced some anger or hostility
	toward her (actually, remember, you are 
	most likely angry at her BEHAVIOR, not her
	person), I was very happy I did.

	In fact, I think I had some kind of awe of
	her and once I was able to tell her that I
	disagreed with her about some things, then
	I was able to tell anyone.

-- 
-	-	-	-	-	-	-
Just read his lips:
Now, he wants us to believe in the "tooth fairy".
-	-	-	-	-	-	-
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar-admin@wpi.wpi.edu
Subject: Anonymous posting service up again...
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Reply-To: asar-admin@wpi.wpi.edu
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 20:39:15 GMT

The anonymous posting service was down for a day... it should be ok
now.  Sorry for any inconvenience.

-admin

--
asar-admin@wpi.wpi.edu		(non anonymous mail)
uunet!wpi.wpi.edu!{asar-admin}

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Mr. Control
Date: 6 Apr 92 17:39:01 GMT
Organization: University of Chicago

In article <1992Apr3.182903.924@reed.edu>, bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney) writes:
> 
> 
>      I met someone last night.  He's the part of me who holds all my ugly
> memories.  He sits back with a smug smile on his face, tantalizing me
> with tidbits of memories.  He makes me flinch repeatedly with flashbacks
> of fear and pain, like bullets fired at my feet.  "Dance", he commands.
> So I dance.  What else can I do?  He is so very angry.

Hey, congratulations on looking this "monster" straight in the face! I'm
still, unfortunately, dancing as fast as I can, and - as in Alice in
Wonderland - it's not fast enough. 


>      But I met him and I know him now.  I know him for who he is.  I call
> him Mr. Control.  He is angry, and yet he is very fearful.  He is so empty
> inside.  All he has is this power over me.  The ability to control me with
> memories.  Like a puppet on a string.  I hate Mr. Control.  Mr. Control is
> me.
>      But I know him now.  I know his pain.  I know his emptiness.  Because
> they are my pain, my emptiness.  And my anger.  I want to make a deal with
> him.  To fill his emptiness with warmth and life.  In trade for that rigid
> control, for those memories.  He's not very trusting.  He fears me, suspects
> me of some scheme like calling "New lamps for old", afraid of trading his
> old lamp with a genie in it for a shiny but empty one.  The thing is, his
> old lamp is actually empty.  He's been rubbing it for years, jumping through
> hoops hoping that genie would emerge.  The genie of love and self-respect.
> It's time to give up that old control.  Like a pair of shoes made of lead,
> that kept me from moving.  Time to trade them in on a pair like Hermes'.
> Winged that will allow me to fly.  To go places I've always been afraid of,
> to try new things I've always been scared to try.
>      Now is a good time to begin.

Again, congratulations! This is really some powerful stuff you've written
here. I respect your strength.

Friends in healing,
Black Pearl