From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Where do I go from here?
Keywords: West Seneca, 14224
Date: 12 Nov 92 18:06:48 GMT
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <BxKMxC.GnA@acsu.buffalo.edu> v119qkv2@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (POE) writes:
>
>	First Brenda and Dylan, and now Walter and Jenn (the infamous "Him" and
>"Her" from my post about a month ago).  After almost three years, they called it
>quits.  (I'll say it before anyone else does - I sure hope that these two break
>ups are just a coincidence.  Because if the woman I'm attracted to gets advice
>about her life from "Beverly Hills, 90210", I'll definitely have to re-evaluate
>this whole situation. :-) )  Allow me to refresh your memories.  Over the past
>3 months or so, Jenn (She) and I have become very good friends.  Problem - she
>was already involved in a very unpleasant relationship with a friend of mine,
>Walter (He).  Well, (supposedly) that relationship is no more. 
>	Now what do I do?  They've only been broken up for a week.  For how
>long do I keep my distance?  Remember - Jenn is very attractive and will most
>likely have many guys coming on to her.  I don't want to come off as a 
>insensitive jerk and push her into anything too fast, but it would kill me if I
>lose her to anyone because of my hesitency.  Do I start calling her more often?
>Do I ask her out on a date?  Do I go about business as usual & play the waiting
>game?  For the last two weeks, I really haven't had a meaningful conversation
>with her or spent any quality time with her.  What does this mean?  She was just
>using me to help ease her troubles with him?  She needs time to sort things out
>on her own?  Is she avoiding me?  Is it just coincidence?  Is there breaking up
>a direct result from the kindness I've shown towards her?  Am I living in a 
>fantasy world?  What do I do?  Any advice you wise and all-knowing people could
>give would greatly be appreciated.
>
>- Mike Poe
>
I guess I missed the original posting, so please bear with me if I am
missing any important details. She was with the other guy a long time,
and so right now, she is probably in a lot of pain, and may not want
to see anyone.

I think it will take six months or a year for her to get over it to the
point where she will be ready for another relationship. So if you want
to get involved with her you are going to have to be very patient. If
you try to get involved before she is ready, two things could happen.
You could make her so uncomfortable that you lose whatever you have, or
she could try to get involved before she is ready which would lead to a
bad and short-lived relationship.

So you are going to have to be honest with yourself and gauge how ready
you think she is. Pace yourself according to what you think she is
ready for. At first, you will want to just show that you are still
there for her. After a while, she will be ready to start dating, and
she will probably want to date different guys and not get tied down
with any one guy. You are going to have to play along with this to some
degree.  Some time after that she will feel ready to choose one guy to
concentrate on, and if you have been there all along, there is a good
chance it could be you.

You should always be clear that you appreciate her, but you need to go
easy on showing that you want to get involved, because it will make her
feel pressured if she is unready, and the more she feels pressured, the
more she will pull away. You will have to learn not to worry about the
other guys. Being jealous will make you want to press for commitment
from her, which will tend to scare her away. You need to have faith
that if anything is going to happen between you, it is going to happen
regardless of what others do. Faith does not come easy, but remember
that familiarity counts for a lot in romance. The guy who sticks around
longest, and is most consistently engaging, is usually the one that
gets the girl.

Peace,
Michael.
--------
The world is turning on gliding fireworks,
You beside me,
Revolution Earth. (B52s)