From: anon-1511@twwells.com (mouse)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: ***SAD STUFF SPOILERS***
Date: 26 Jan 93 20:14:58 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


 Krikket writes:

[i've deleted alot to save space]

>Making Love is something that goes well beyond the physical act.  It involves
>two people who love each other dearly, and wish to become that much closer with
>their partner.  The actions (fucking) just happen to be what occurs.  It's

>
>Now let's go back to the scene where he grabbed your breasts "and wanted sex".
>In my case, it was never a mere fuck.  It couldn't have been, not with someone
>who I had built up that much emotion with.  It would have been making
>passionate love.  Unfortunately, (I'm now using my knowledge that's come since
>I've been raped) the differences between a fuck, sex, and making love, aren't
>always obvious to the other person.
>

>She told me that it was allright, and things would be ok.  I didn't completley
>beleive her, but I acted on what she was saying.  I continued the act, since
>she also said that was what she wanted.  I didn't know she was only trying to
>please me.
>
>
>Am I making any sence, or am I babbeling?  I'm trying to get across the point
>that the problems were primarily a problem of misunderstanding, rather than
>something else.  Now I know why she reacted like you described at times.
>
>If only I knew...
>
>I hope this helps in the slightest in shedding some light on the other side...

Hmmmm
Krikket (or did Doug write this? it seems like a Doug-style), i found your
post very interesting
i believe it is correct that the majority of the problem lies
in misunderstanding
my SO and i have very different views of making love/sex

to him, because he loves me, anytime we have
sex it is 'making love'
but for me the two have always been very very
separate
although, i have frequently agreed to sex when i really wanted
to make love. (all that needing-to-please-your-man stuff is tied up in this)
this may be tied to how we love
his love is constant, even when he is angry with me, he can still
say 'i love you'
i can't. when i'm angry, i hate him. i hate/love him alot.

if i know that we are going to have sex and expect nothing more
(emotionally), i can do it
but it means completely removing my emotional self and just
leaving the physical one there

one time he wanted to have sex
and i made clear to him that i wanted to, too
although it was to just be _sex_
it was a very physical need
afterward he felt very used
but because i had already distanced myself beforehand
i did not (ok, i felt all cold on the inside)
and, as difficult as it is to admit, part of me
that was glad that he was finally feeling what i had been feeling
all along

we haven't had sex in a long time because i hate how i feel afterward
don't know if i can make love anymore
the emptiness just hurts too much
i want him to touch me
and yet i can't stand it

and now that this has gone on for so long,
we don't have a sex life
and we don't know how to
both of us are unsure
our intimacy and trust have been broken and i don't
know how to fix it; neither can make the first move
it's like we're dance partners and we've both
forgotten our steps :)

thanks for your insights, they were enlightening

mouse



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