From: vijay@wiliki.eng.hawaii.edu (Vijay Fafat)
Subject: Cow convention
Organization: University of Engineering, College of Engineering
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 19:31:18 GMT

                     The first Annual Cow Sammelan 
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Venue : Fort Cowlins

Organiser : George Chackoo, senior member, Cowppa-Cowmega-Cow

Guest Speakers:   The distinguished faculty from the Indian Institute of
     Cowlogy :

      1] Dr. Balaji : Ph.D, Cowmistry, Cowltech
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                  Topic : " Civil Rights of Cows"
           
              Perhaps nothing can introduce dr. balaji better than the
fact that he was awarded the prestigious Cowbel prize for his 2 cow laws :
 
    a]  A cow at rest in the middle of the road continues in its state of
rest unless acted upon by an external, unbalanced torque serving to twist its
tail.

      b]The rate of increase of a cows speed is directly proportional to
the angle thru which its tail is twisted.

             When he is not mooing, which is rare :), he chews words at the
cow-haters Sundara Pandian and Satya Prabhakar .. He's very fond of his slogan
" Up with cows, down with burgers".

     2] Dr Paul Icowrus : Ph.D, Cowtistics, Cowhio State University.
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                      Topic : "Cowering inferno :how to prevent shed fires"
               
           When Icarus was just 9, he one afternoon set his father's
cow-shed on fire after tying a string of fire-crackers to the tail of a
masticating cow lost in insouciance, completely unsuspecting the existence
of a brat like Paul. A good hiding (for Paul, not the cow) and 8 days 
later - it took him 8 days to come out of bandages which covered the injuries
inflicted in equal amounts by the cows horns driven by the unbridled fury
at his cowragious act - not to pun -and his father's boots made out of 
cow hide - Paul embraced Cowism and changed his name to Icowrus.
However, after some cows took umbrage at this, mistaking this as a claim
that he was a cow and
demonstrated in no unthreatening manner, he quickly modified it to "Icarus"
and since then, has been one of the foremost advocates for more cow-power.


        The convention's main agenda is a thorough discussion on the status
of cows and what can be done to improve it.There is a strong lobby which
might force the formation of Cowlistan and make cow the national animal.
There is also a concern for providing cows with cow-operative housing 
societies and cheap cowndos for spinster cows. A cowmittee will also be
set up to see how the official language can be enriched with more "cow"
words ..Cowlarious, cowtowing,, cowrnucopia, cownstipated,.. one could also
try forcing all words starting with "cou" and "cov"
to start with "cow" - cowncilman, cowntenance, cower,...
There is a need to set-up more cow-shalas across the nation, allot more
funds to projects like the research on the medicinal properties of cow-dung,
complete autonomy to Cow Institute of Technology and other such matters of
national importance. People should be encouraged to have names like
Cowshalya, Cowntal, Cowtilya,.. (due apologies :) to increase public
awareness. 
     Of course, to deal with cow-menace from errant and anti-national cows,
as also to bring greater order in the cowmunity,some cowmandments might be 
legislated :
     
         1] Each cow must be licensed.
         2] Unattended and wrongly parked cows would be towed away at the
            owner's expense.
         3] All speed regulations apply to cows. A speeding cow will be
              ticketted and the owner will be liable.
         4] Cows will not moo in silence zones. On so doing, the owners
               will be muzzled, the duration depending on the seriousness of
                the offence.
         5] Only 2 persons can ride on a cow in a village and that too,
               with helmets on. This is to prevent cruelty to both the 
               animals.
         6] Cow insurance is compulsory, with a minimum compensation
            specified if the cow is hit  by a vehicle while *she* is sitting 
            on the road.

Any other laws which the participants might suggest. 

Of course, at a gathering of this magnitude, we expect a large number
of scowts to be deployed to control the cows and buffaloes (The MCPs from
Anti-Cowminist Club) come to cheer,jeer, boo and moo at Fort Cowlins. The
chief herder, of course, is Njan :) despite the fact that he was reprimanded
at the preliminary cow meeting for constant ogling at the cows .. err.females.
Actually, this sort of scowtological behaviour on part of "humans" is what
is causing the serious dating problems amongst the cows.. can't trust
any buffalo these days ..

We expect all you cows .. err.. scowndrels .. to attend freely.. Free grass
will be distributed for refreshment ...

Your's Cowrteously,
Cowtcha Gangster.

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The best defence against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off..
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