From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Crisis, Part 1  ***WARNING BIG-TIME SPOILERS***
Date: 2 Oct 92 09:10:24 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS


Warning, many   ******BIG-TIME SPOILERS****** contained herein...

I've gone to a suicidal stage again, so I'm forcing myself to make this post
PUBLIC, instead of just Email...  Forgive me if it's not the most approperiate
stuff for this place, but it's bad enough that I am listining to that small
part of my head that is saying "JUST POST IT YOU IDIOT!!!"

I'm making this post in two parts.  The first part is to explain the mood I was
in a few days ago.  (If you got email from me, skip to the next post, as you've
already read this.)  I'm posting it here, because I don't know if I can once
again accurately capture the mindset I was in.  This is only about 1/2 of the
thoughts that were going through my head at the time, but it draws an accurate
picture.  At this point I wasn't suicidal.  For that wait until the next
message...

-------

This is a form letter addition to the standard mail...  (I promised a few
people updates, or they asked about my current status, so it's easier to throw
a bunch of shit in one file and tack that onto the message than it is to retype
it each time.)  I would just post it publicly on ASAR, but since this is
dealing with specific relationship problems, and my fucked head, I don't know
if it really belongs there.  Hence keeping it to Email.

The last half week has been infurorating (sp?) at my end.  I've ended up
falling for Darlene (big mistake), and have been open with her regarding
feelings, and the like.  She has tried to get the fact through my thick skull
that she isn't interested in more than a friendship, but either we were using
different meanings for words, or I was just too damn thick-skulled.  A bit of
both probably.  (I know that we define "Sexual" differently (I don't include
the emotions of love into that catagory, and apparently she does.)  Mix that
with someone who doesn't want to face the music...)  Argh.

Ahh well, I wrote this letter out to her earlier today.  I don't know if I'm
going to actually deliver it to her or not...  But it helped strighten the
thought out in my own mind.  Onto the transcription of the letter...


Darlene,

     I don't know where to start this letter, to explain the thoughts in my
head, so I'm just going to pick a random point and go from there.  It's kinda
confusing, because the thoughts branch off and are self-referential to each
other and itself...  Any questions and I'll answer them.

     I'm writing this down because I said I would when you asked.  I couldn't
answer right then because I was freaking out.  It wasn't an act.

[Ed Note:  I stopped by her work (Amoco Gas station, in a bullet-proof case) at
her request after I got off work (In full security uniform).  We had a
conversation earlier, about this, and when I understood what she was trying to
get across, I pulled my legs up, and curled into a ball, rocking back and forth
on the top of the stool...  Like something out of a bad movie on insane
asylumns...  (That, and I was stoned out of my gord. (Shame on me!))]

But then again, I'm not suicidal, just confused with wrestling with my
emotions.  I am certian that we can be good friends, but for a while it's going
to be very rough on me.  First, I'm doing this dissapearing act because I won't
be able to control my hopes and emotions if we remail in touch while they are
still out of control.

[Ed Note:  I talked earlier of dissapearing for a couple of weeks, to regain
some control over myself.  It's worked in past relationships that ended up as
friends, and I haven't lost a friend because we were lovers.  It just takes
time on my part.]

     You have touched many of my weak spots without even trying.  (I'm refering
to emotions, not sex.  I'll break down the way I think of love and sex later in
this letter.)  I'm not used to seeing so much of *ANYONE* who I don't have a
loving relationship with.  Plus the "Hello" pages hit another sappy note, which
is why I asked you to stop it...  Another thingthat made me fall fast and hard
(besides that I'm a sucker on the rebound who would fantasize about someone
like you anyways (And I'm not referring to sex/looks!))  is that you didn't
hide your real self.  You were willing to be open with me.  It seemed as if I
got a glimpse of your "soul".

     Hell, I feel like an asshole for feeling like this, but I do.  This is why
I gave you so many warnings and disclaimers when we started it.  And why I told
you that I was addicted to love, and I didn't want to play the role of the
other man.  I can't handle that kind of role.  I'm repulsed by the thought
which is why I was expecting you to tell John...

     The stuff in yesterday's letter (Monday) I remember you saying, where we
were, what we were doing, etc.  If I misunderstood it's because I had already
fallen for you!  (It doesn't take that much, just honesty and love in no
particular order...)

     Now to back up and explain how I view love and sex.  (Not w/ us
specifically, but how I see it always.)  Sex (The physical part) is something
that I can relatively easily live without.  Love (The emnotional part) I
cannot.  The same simple act of sex I find to be pretty meaningless in and of
itself.  But love can make anything happen.  Sex with love is absolutely
wonderful.  Without love, it's no more pleasureable than masterbation.  Still
nice and fun, but it is lacking in many ways.  Sex and love are too completely
seperate things in my mind.  This is why I had no problems with Julie usind me.
 I knew it was just physical.  With you, I didn't know that.  Sometimes you
would joke abut dumping John, or losing me (or him)...  Or a number of other
minor things that taken by themselves mean very little.  When you add them
together, add in sex (which also helped bring emotions into play), and my NEED
to be loved, add in that emotion was already starting, add in the way we met
was sexual to start with, and you have a very messed up Krikket.

     When we first started this, I thought you were going to be dumping him. 
If I thought differently, I wouldn't have done what I did.  I didn't know about
Julie's husband either, until she was sucking on my dick, and I began freaking
out.  The 2nd night, I was already feeling emotions for Julie, so I allowed her
to do it again.  Those emotions never got out of control though, because it was
obvious that it would only be a short-term physical-only relationship, unlike
with you.

     Christ, I know I'm babbeling, forgive me.  I just feel the need to express
myt thoughts and feelings before I dissapear for a few weeks to streighten
myself out.  Writing all this down helps, a LOT.  And I feel that it's only
fair tht you know all of this shit too.

     I find that aside from having to feel and show my emotions, I aldo thing
them through afterwords, and those too should be shared.

     I now know you're not interested in anything besides a friendship.  And
that hurts a lot.  But inflicting myself upon you isn't fair either.  So I'm
dissapearing while I finish thinking this through.  I'll give you more updates
on my thoughts if you actually want 'em.

     I have no doubt that we can end up as great friends.  I have yet to lose
someone as a friend just because I dated/fucked 'em.  It's just going to take
time, so I can cope.  When we start a friendship, when I reappear, I probably
won't have COMPLETELY gotten over this mess.  but I'll be a lot closer to doing
so, and will need friendship, so I can recover completely.  But I will always
have a soft spot in my heart for you.  That's just the way I am.  but it won't
getr in the way of a friendship, as experience tells me.  I may breifly
relapse, but just treat it very coldly, and it'll go away.

     And I know I'll end up bringing some problems to you, as a friend who
needs help.  Please be there for me!  Please comfort and hold me (as a friend)
when I need it.  I'll always be there for you.  Even while I'm doing this
vanishing act, call me if you need me.  Don't hesitate.

     Also, a side thought.  Don't stop hugging when we say hi/bye.  This is
something that I've done with friends (of both sexes) for years...  I'm
thinking about starting a collection, since ya never seem to run out of 'em
anyways...  :)

[Ed Note:  Yes, there is a smiley on the paper I wrote...  :) ]

     So this letter is getting a bit long.  Just be glad I'm not trying away,
or else it probably would be longer...  :)  And I do love my friends.  Don't
expect me to stop loving you, merely to think of you in terms of a friend. 
Fair enought?  Talk to you soon...

--------------------

Yeeesh... End of letter...  Any comments on any of this shit I seem to be
hitting?  It seems to be average for the course for me... ;^/

+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     |NOTICE: Your Milage May Vary|   Suite 246             !
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |   Wheaton, Il 60187     !
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery