From: aahz@netcom.com (Aahzmandius)
Subject: Re: Exactly what I mean by "unattached"...
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 92 11:45:11 GMT
Organization: Bill 'n' Opus for Prez

In article <9208130125.AA29602@regal.cisco.com> mlb@CISCO.COM (Marcia Bednarcyk) writes:
>And aahz@netcom.com writes:
>|>I guess I kinda agree with this.  Problem is, while it's fun to see and
>|>feel the growth of the relationship, and learn about the other person,
>|>you usually want to know as quickly as possible if you *are* in a
>|>relationship or not.
>
>This is exactly what I am protesting: the "are we or aren't we and if we're
>not I'm leaving" or "cut to the chase" mentality. People want to have it all
>spelled out in front of them, in black or white, so they can go on to the
>next decision, finish up with this and go on. Sure it may be efficient, but
>it's also very cold, and not much fun.
>
>It also doesn't give you an out, or any hope whatsoever of saving face. You
>either are accepted or rejected. One of the nice things about ambiguity is that
>is can be taken multiple ways, and leaves many ways for people to extract
>themselves gracefully from situations, hopefully leaving the other's feelings
>intact. The direct method doesn't do that. As time goes on, the ambiguity 
>is cleared, first from one side, then the other, so when the mist is finally
>cleared both parties should have a really good idea where the other one 
>stands. If they don't like where that place is, they can retreat with dignity 
>and grace.

Okay, let me clarify this with a couple of examples: in my current
relationship, there was a period of about two months where I wasn't sure
whether I really wanted to be in a Relationship with this person.
During that time, I still enjoyed her company, getting to know her, etc.
I think this is part of what you mean by "ambiguous".

OTOH, I've been in relationships where I not only couldn't figure out the
status of the relationship, I couldn't even figure out the direction to
go in.  I suppose you could say that I felt *trapped* in the ambiguous
state.

This, I think, is the key: if you feel really comfortable with the other
person, and you think that the relationship is developing (regardless of
whether it's a friendship or a Relationship), then being in an ambiguous
state can be fine and dandy, maybe even fun.  But if you feel like
you're treading water, and your arms and legs are getting tired, then
ambiguity can be uncomfortable and/or painful.

>Walter goes on to say:
>|> If you are only interested in discovering the object of your affections,
>|> then why make the affections ambiguous?
>
>I guess most people are, they just want to *be* in a relationship rather than
>*form* one. Me, I find the process of getting there half the fun.

I'll side with what Walter said on this one: once you've (mostly ;-) 
resolved the ambiguity, you can concentrate on building the
relationship.  Fear not, though, Marcia: there is fertile ground for
ambiguity at any stage of a relationship......
-- 
                         --- Aahz (the *other* Dan Bernstein)
                             @netcom.com 

Hugs and backrubs -- I break Rule 6

"I 'got a life'.  Now what?"
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