From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: To all who read a.s.a.r. 
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1992 16:03:34 GMT

bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan) writes:

: The problem with all of this, is that most people don't
: know what they want in the first place.  It is very common
: for people to think they want sex when they really want something
: else.  Sex is an EXTREMELY powerfull thing.  And most of lifes
: stresses show up in your own sexuality.  To accomplish complete

Seems like any problems in life show up first in the sexual department.

: honesty, I think, requires years of sole searching. Certainly this
: should be a goal:  to figure exactly what it is that you really
: want when you claim to want sex.  But I don't think anyone should
: be thought of as a bad person because they have not accoplished

Agreed.

: this.  Furthermore, I think when most people tease, it usually
: is an emotional need that somehow needs to be fullfilled.  Sex

Yes, but how many people realize this, especially men?

: is a complicated thing...   And for sexual abuse survivors,
: all of this is magnified about 100 times over.  Sex is no longer 
: clear.  It is so intermixed with hundreds of other feelings..

With sexual abuse survivors, the lines between sexual behavior and
non-sexual behavior become blurred.  Some get into a horrendous
"programming loop" as it were: "I need to give sex to get love, but
I am repulsed by sex because of my abuse, yet I need love, so..."
Some suppress their sexual sides altogether.  People who have not been
abused have less trouble fitting their sexual behavior into their lives,
while survivors must struggle with this every single minute, it seems.

A case in point: I was with an abuse survivor this weekend.  It was one
of those sticky "first meeting" type of things, and even under the best
of circumstances things can get hairy.  She shut down.  Incommunicado
about what she was feeling, what she was thinking, etc.  Understandable,
of course, but what's a guy to do?  If I get mad, that leaves it wide
open to be interpreted as "I'm pissed at you because you're not sleeping
with me." (With survivors, often their entire daily life revolves around
the issue of sex: either getting/giving it, or avoiding it).  So I did the
best thing I could under the circumstances - I kept my mouth shut (for the
most part, anyway), and just held her.  Message: I don't need sex with you
to love you and care about you.

I just hope the message got through.

: I think it is very appropriate to blame someone that has
: abused you.  It is irrelevant whether or not they were abused.
: Putting the blame on them, instead of yourself, is a very big,
: and important step.

But that's only the first step.  Eventually, forgiveness of the perp is
going to be necessary for you to complete your healing.  Imagine how
skewed your life would be (or perhaps already is) if you carry around
all this emotional baggage.  To put it another way, you are trading one
set of emotional baggage (guilt, etc.) for another (hate for the perp).
Hate may keep you warm at night, but it will eventually consume you. :(

: Way too many times does this become a form of denial:  "If I 
: forgive this person, then it is over and I can go on...".  This
: usually isn't true.  In the realm of child abuse, far more
: has to happen than forgiveness.  The phrased "forgive and forget"
: is a big culpret for people denying abuse.  They "fogive and
: forget," then they go on, and never deal with the issues at hand.

That isn't true forgiveness.  Firgiveness is usually the last phase of the
healing process -- never the first.  That's called denial, like you said.

: IMHO, forgiveness is not necessary.  Anger can be a very empowering 
: thing.  I have no intention of forgiving the man that raped me.
: If it happens, it happens, but I don't intend to try for it.
: The anger I feel for him does not eat me up inside, it empowers
: me.  It makes me feel like I am worth it.  I deserve to get angry.

You base your self-esteem on anger?  Not a good idea, IMHO.  You "deserve"
to get angry?  Hmmm...certainly you have that right -- we all do, but the
use of the word "deserve" rings alarm bells in my head.  Are you saying that
you "deserve" to get angry because that outlet had been denied you earlier?

For most of my childhood, if I got angry, I was not allowed to express that.
I was told, "you'd better scratch your mad spot and get glad!"  It took me
a long time to figure out the idea of "appropriate anger".

: Someone did something terrible to me, and I deserve to be 
: angry.  Anger is a very healing thing.  Even if one possess
: anger for all of their life, it is healing...  IMHO, when

I doubt it.  Anger can be a tool for transformation, giving you the will
(and the courage) to make needed change, but when it's task is done, why
not let it go?  I think you will see the wisdom of this after a while.

: anger is held inside and one tries to forgive before they are
: ready, then this anger tends to come out in other, non-productive
: ways.  Anger directed at the right person, is very healthy.

Anger should be like the weather.  It should flow through you, expressing itself
in appropriate ways, then let go.  It should vanish.  Anger held, anger denied,
is a sure prescription for illness.

: A lot of times, figuring out who is to "blame," or who is
: responsible is a very necessary and important thing.  Primarily
: because children, when abused, tend to blame themselves.  It
: is a defnese mechanism to find all the reasons why it was your 
: fault.  Because of that, I think it is VERY important to attribute
: blame (or responsiblity) where it is necessary.  It is about
: recognizing that you did nothing wrong...
: It is very important.

For a first step, certainly.  But as you go through your healing, you may
come to find that there is no one to blame for anything.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG		erc@apple.com	<-- preferred email address!
"In wildness is the preservation of the world."  - Henry David Thoreau
** Member, Linux port team - uucp division ** :)   801/269-8125
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery