Organization: Bar-Ilan University Computing Center, Israel
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 09:14:45 IST
From: Anthony Waller <P85014@BARILVM.BITNET>
Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.australian
Subject: "Does the Rover Snap Behinds?"

  My parents sent me this article from "The Age" of 22 August.
Reprinted without permission.

  Frank O'Shea believes newcomers to Australian football need instruction
in "footyspeak".  Here is the beginner's guide to the football cliche.

  On what geometric figure are football games played? - An oval.
  Except, of course, at the end of the season, when they are played on
what? - Hallowed turf.
  What adjective, of Irish American origin, is used to describe the
final? - Grand.
  What elastic collision starts a game? - The centre bounce.
  At the start of a game, some players may be left at the bus station.
- The interchange players.
  And where can they be found at the interchange? - On the bench.
  What are they doing on the bench? - Warming it.
  Which phase of the moon is regarded by most football coaches as
crucial? - The third quarter.
  What avian field positions remind us that football teams resemble the
Labor Party? - The left wing and the right wing.
  What anatomical name is given to the players whose job is to prevent
their opponents from scoring? - Backs.
  Some backs, however, are only fractions of the others. - Yes, the
half-backs.
  And one of these is found between the shoulder blades. - The centre
half-back.
  How do we descibe the player who, in the words of the dictionary,
"wanders aimlessly around the field"? - The rover.
  Why is he called rover? - After a famous dog.  He is to be found at the
edge of the pack and will sometimes snap at the goal.
  With what compass direction will the winning team be rewarded? - The
four points.
  Are there fights in football? - Never.  Incidents perhaps, but never
fights.
  What do we call the umpire's written version of events?  Think of your
schooldays. - The report.
  This report may name players who have misbehaved during the game.  Give
an example of such misconduct. - Striking an opponent.
  And how do players strike their opponent? - Allegedly.
  May such a player be required to suddenly materialise before a bench?
- Yes.  He must appear before the Tribunal.
  And as a result of this, he may be hanged? - Not really, although he
can be suspended.
  How do we descibe a player who frequently appears before the Tribunal?
- Wholehearted.
  What impossible fraction does he always give? - 110 per cent.
  When he comes to retire, what kind of life, reminiscent of a chessboard
will he be alleged to have had. - A chequered career.
  What climbing device is used to indicate how teams are performimg?
- A ladder.
  How are teams' positions on the ladder described? - Lowly or lofty.
  Some personalities.  What is Jim Stynes? - Big.
  And Paul Salmon? - Big.
  Peter Sumich? - Big.
  Is there anyone who isn't big? - Yes, Dermot Brereton.
  And what is he? - Inspirational.  And injured.
  What about Greg Williams? - Wholehearted.
  And Warwick Capper? - Who?
  Which stall is the best forward in the competition? - Jason Dun.
  How is he the best forward? - Arguably.
  Under what weather conditions do players change clubs? - A draft.
  When they do so, are they said to mutilate certain items of clothing?
- Yes, they sever their ties.
  What score attracts so many females to football games? - The behind.
  Some of these are said to be hurried. - No.  Rushed.  Improbable as it
may seem, there are rushed behinds.
  What covers the behind? - The back pocket, of course.
  This reminds me.  Can I ask you again about Warwick Capper? - Never
heard of him.
  Some desciptive words.  What is pressure? - Relentless.
  Defeat? - Crushing.
  Prospects? - Exciting.
  Injuries? - Niggling.
  How are losses felt? - Acutely.
  What do fortunes do? - They fluctuate.
  How do they fluctuate? - Wildly.
  What do teams do with recent poor form? -  Shrug it off.
  Where does the umpire put the ball to restart the game? - Up.
  What will Melbourne never catch this year? - Up.
  What do Collingwood never give? - Up.
  Where do you wish I would shut? - Up.

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Anthony Waller          BITNET:    P85014@BARILVM.BITNET
Bar-Ilan University     INTERNET:  P85014@vm.biu.ac.il
Israel                  CARNA SAINTS!!!!