Newsgroups: alt.support
Date: Wed,  2 Sep 1992 14:33:44 -0400 
From: Barbara Carlson <bc1w+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Mom at College

Excerpts from netnews.alt.support: 31-Aug-92 Mom at College by Valerie
Samn@athena.mit. 
> My mom called yesterday and said that she was leaving my father and she was
> coming in to Boston, from Texas, today.  

> taken care of . . . such as where she's going to live after she's kicked 
  out...
> how she's going to get a job when she hasn't had a job for over ...
> how she's going to manage living by herself...
> how she will make friends ...
> she doesn't believe in counseling 
> able to take offense in almost anything...
> believes that everyone intends to hurt her in some way.  

Valerie: This may be a really dumb question, but why do YOU feel you
have to accomplish all this for your mother? Why do you have to have her
in your dorm room for more than a visit? You're not *allowed* to have
her stay there, if I understand dorm rules. She's an adult, you're the
kid. SHE left, she needs to work these things out, not you.

I understand that being her daughter, you feel some sense of
responsibility towards her, but this really isn't your job, to take
*care* of your mother. No wonder you're upset and worried!

> Furthermore, i don't know how long i can take having my mother around 
> watching everything i do and making bad comments about all of my friends

I don't know how you feel about your mother. My mom never had a nice
word for me or any of my friends, either. The thought of spending one
night with her makes me feel nauseous. I would strongly suggest you just
tell her that you CANNOT have her stay with you. Tell her the truth,
tell her a partial truth, tell her a lie -- it doesn't really matter.
What matters is protecting yourself. Don't do (or allow to happen)
something you know is a bad idea.

You wouldn't allow a guy you knew was a jerk to stay with you, would
you? Blood ties do not extend to allowing yourself to be hurt, even if
it is "just" emotionally. Emotional pain counts.

> my mother would not approve of my trusting others 

Does she trust you? Do you trust her? Does she approve of you trusting
her or her trusting you? There is something seriously wrong with this
kind of attitude ... 

> meanwhile, i do not know how long i can take being the sole emotional 
> support for my mother . . . it is very tiring and i am not up to it now . . 
You should not and CAN not be the sole emotional support for anyone
except yourself. You might (now or sometime in the future) end up being
the sole financial support of someone (a child, for example), but no
matter what, humans are social creatures (whether they admit it or not)
and NO ONE is the sole *anything*. Don't take this responsibility onto
yourself. If you end up with this responsibility, it's because you've
chosen to accept it. If you don't think you can handle it (or you just
don't WANT to handle it) don't do it. 

> helping people as "repaying a debt" . . . .  i hate help in the form of 
> 'payment' . . . i like helping people and she tells me i waste my time in 
> doing so and she says that i shouldn't accept help either because then i
> will owe someone something for life

Is this how you feel towards her? Being your mother, I'm sure she did
lots of things for you. Do you feel you "owe her for life"? How does she
feel about accepting things from you? Seems to me, she'd take them and
not feel "indebted" to you ... sounds like a double standard to me. 

All this sounds familiar to me. Sounds a lot like what I've dealt with
for years. 

> me, whichever i can accomplish . . . .

Whatever *you* can accomplish? No, just don't take on that
responsibility. Just don't do it. If you have to, disappear from your
dorm room and stay with a friend. 

I'm not saying totally abandon her. You can be emotionally supportive,
but do not suck yourself dry. She won't appreciate it, YOU won't like
it, and it's not a good thing to do.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure it's rough hearing about
your parents divorcing. Just don't allow this to ruin your life and your
emotional stability. If you need to talk, call or write me.

--Barb--


Newsgroups: alt.support