Newsgroups: bit.listserv.words-l
Date:         Thu, 21 Jan 1993 20:30:36 EST
Comments:     <Parser> W: Invalid RFC822 field -
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Comments:     Resent-From: Karen Kay <LL23@NEMOMUS>
From:         Karen Kay <LL23%NEMOMUS.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject:      Ask Mr. Language Person
Comments: To: WORDS-L@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU

This seems so suitable for this bunch!

Karen
--------------------------- Original Message ---------------------------
Posted on 11 Dec 1992 at 21:08:01 by Dave Barry

`ASK MR. LANGUAGE PERSON' RETURNS

From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 92 18:08:01 PST

DAVE BARRY

        It's time once again for ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only
language column that is endorsed by both the American Association of
English Professors AND Cher. This column presents answers to common
reader questions about grammar, vocabulary, punctuation, and, when they
are in season, metaphors. These questions are not ``made up.'' They are
authentic re-enactments of actual questions taken from police files.
        Q. What is the correct grammatical usage of ``being as how''?
        A. This is an adenoidal phrase that is used when a person needs to
explain a decision regarding an issue such as sandwich allocation.
        EXAMPLE: ``Earl gets the egg salad, being as how he dropped it in the
bait.''
                                ------
        Q. Please tell me which is correct: ``Bud, you should never of fed
them taffies to the dog,'' or ``Bud, you never should of fed them
taffies to the dog.''
        A. According to Strunk & White, it depends on the context.
        Q. The context was a brand-new Barcalounger.
        A. Whoa.
                                ------
        Q. I am thinking of seeking a high-paying job and would like to
develop a Power Vocabulary. What do you suggest?
        A. The Academy of Big Words recommends that, in business situations,
you should, whenever possible, use the words ``erstwhile'' and
``penultimate,'' as follows:
        YOU: Mr. Johnson, that there is a ERSTWHILE tie you got on.
        MR. JOHNSON: You're hired.
        YOU: Another big word I know is PENULTIMATE.
                                ------
        Q. What is the actual name of a weatherperson on CNN?
        A. ``Flip Spiceland.''
                                ------
        Q. Please repeat what you heard a woman say recently to the cashier
at a gas station.
        A. She said: ``Do you have any of those cheap genetic cigarettes?''
                                ------
        Q. Speaking of true quotations, please repeat the statement that
Sonda Ward of Nashville, Tenn., swears she heard made by a man
expressing concern to a woman who had been unable to get a ride to a
church function.
        A. He said: ``Estelle, if I'd a knowed you'd a want to went, I'd a
seed you'd a got to get to go.''
        Q. What tense is that, grammatically?
        A. That is your pluperfect consumptive.
                                ------
        Q. I notice that football announcers are always talking about how So-
and-So is ``the most underrated left tackle in football,'' and So-and-So
is ``the most underrated substitute left outside nickel-defense
cornerbacker in the Central Division.'' My question is, who underrates
these people?
        A. This is done by computers.
        Q. Yes, but what kind of name is ``So-and-So''?
        A. Genetic.
                                ------
        Q. According to alert reader Mary Ann van Hartesveldt, what was the
exact wording on a sign she saw outside the Ridgecrest Baptist Church in
Opelika, Ala.?
        A. It was:
        ARE YOU READY TO MEET JESUS? Bar-B-Q Saturday, March 16 2:00 p.m.
                                ------
        Q. My question concerns the musical group Archie Bell and the Drells,
who performed the 1968 hit ``Do the Tighten Up.'' When group members get
asked what they do for a living, do they answer, ``I'm a Drell''? Do
their business cards say:
        JOHN SMITH
        Drell
        Do they have career aspirations? Do they say, ``Well, sure, TODAY I'm
a Drell, but if I do well on my exams, I hope to become a Pip, or even a
Famous Flame''? Also, if you're introducing somebody to one of the Four
Seasons, do you just say, ``This is Leonard; he's a Season''? Also,
whatever happened to The Swinging Medallions, who sang the 1966 hit,
``Double Shot of My Baby's Love''?
        A. They are available. Give them a call.
                                ------
        Q. What is the purpose of the semicolon?
        A. It can be used to either (1) separate two independent clauses, or
(2) indicate an insect attack.
        EXAMPLES:
        (1) ``Well, I'm a clause that certainly doesn't need any help!'';
``Me either!''
        (2) ``Be careful not to bump into that ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
AIEEEEEEE!''
                                ------
        Q. Please explain correct usage of the expression ``by and large.''
        A. It is used as follows:
        -- ``Earline, I swear on my mother's grave that I never, ever cheated
on you, by and large.''
        -- ``Read my lips, by and large.''
                                ------
        TIP FOR PROFESSIONAL WRITERS: In writing a novel, be sure to include
Character Development.
        WRONG: ``Brad gazed into Marsha's eyes.''
        RIGHT: ``Brad gazed into Marsha's eyes and noticed that she now had
three of them.''
        GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? It is best not to tell
anyone.

        (C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD
        DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
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