From: cgt@gargoyle.uchicago.edu (Carlos Talbot)
Subject: Reworked BA Quotes List 2/7
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 17:02:44 GMT


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[ BlackAdder Series 2 ]

Black Adder II (Edmund BA is a Lord in Queens Elizabeth's court.) 1986

1. Bells

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Kate : Kate called Bob (Gabrielle Glaister)
LF   : Lord FlashHeart (Rik Mayall)
Q    : Queeny
N    : Nursey
KF   : Kate's Father
Hag  : Old Hag

Edmund falls in love with his new man-servant, who is really a girl in
disguise. Lord Flashheart turns up to spoil the wedding.

o  EB : "What is your name, boy ?"
   Boy: "Kate."
   EB : "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
   Boy: "It's short for ... Bob."
       
o  LF(about Kate): "She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the
                    taste of a man's tonsils."

o  EB: "Bangs like a privvy door when the plague's in town."
      
o  B : "But I've been in your service since I was two and a half!"
   EB: "Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you!"

o  Kate: "What think you, my lord, of love?"
   EB  : "You mean rumpy-pumpy?"

o  EB: "Here is a pouch of money, which I'm not going to give to you."
       - to Old Hag

o  B: "Don't worry, Bob.  He used to try and kill me, too."

o  EB: "For as we all know, God made man in his own image.  It'd be a sad   
        lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything  
        like you, Baldrick."

o  LF:  (to Baldrick)  "Thanks, bridesmaid!  Like the beard!  Gives me      
         something to hang on to!"

o  Q to EB: "Because if it wasn't I'd have to chop it off and that wouldn't
             be very nice would it, I mean, imagine the mess when she got a
             cold!  Yuck!!"

o   EB: "Flash where have you been?"
    LF: "Where haven't I been, wooow!!"

o   LF: "I have a plan, and it's as hot as my pants, woow!!"

o   LF: "Nursey, I like it firm and fruity"

o   KF: "Why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying   
         here on your back?"

o  Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a
          woman. Second...she is..."
   EB : "Wise?"
   Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
   EB : "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a 
         minute if you don't become more helpful."

o  LF: "Nursey, am I glad to see you or did someone put a canoe in my       
        pocket."
      
2. Head

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL   : Ploppy The Jailer
MP   : Mistress Ploppy

Edmund is appointed Head Executioner and accidentally executes the wrong 
man, which causes a slight problem when his wife is given permission by 
the Queen to see him.

o  EB: "Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we?  This is called adding. 
        If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?"
   B : "Some beans."
   EB: "Yes ... and no.  Let's try again, shall we?  I have two beans, then I add
        two more beans.  What does that make?"
   B : "A very small casserole."
   EB: "Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this.  Now try
        again.  One, two, three, four.  So how many are there?"
   B : "Three."
   EB: "What?"
   B : "And that one."
   EB: "Three...and that one.  So if I add that one to the three, what will I
        have?"
   B : "Some beans."
   EB: "Yes.  To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just     
        happened to other people, wasn't it?"

o  EB: "No, that's what *I* think.  Look, do try and have an original thought
        of your own, Baldrick.  Thinking is so important.  Now, what do *you* 
        think?"
   B : "I think thinking is so important, my lord."
      
o   EB: "Birdbrain and birdneck, should get on like a house on fire!"
       - Edmund talking about Percy and Baldrick

o   EB: "Maybe to another plate swallowing bird"
       - Talking to Percy, when he is wearing a new ruff and thinks
          he's attractive

o   EB: "But beneath this boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless,
         sadistic maniac"
       - EB talking to the "executioning crew" 

o   EB: "Milady, you wished to see me?"
    Q : "Yes, Edmund.  Lord Melchett has bad news."
    EB: "Lord Melchett *is* bad news, Ma'am."

o   EB: "And in Genoa, it is the custom to stand with one foot in a bucket,
         pin a live frog to one's shoulder braid, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by."

o   P : "Fashion today *is* towards the tiny."
    EB: "Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in 
         London."

o   EB: "I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid it would fall off."
        - To Ploppy

o   P : "You know perfectly well Mrs Miggins is bedridden from the nose down. 
         And besides, she is honoring the occasion in her own special way by
         baking a commemorative pie in the shape of an enormous pie!"
    EB: "What an imagination that woman has."

3. Potato

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
WR   : Walter Raleigh (Simon Jones)
RR   : Captain Redbeard Rum

Sir Walter Raleigh returns from exploring the New World. Edmund decides
to do some exploring to impress the Queen with the aid of Capt. Rum.

o  EB:  "So you don't know the way to France either - bugger."
       - to Captain Redbeard Rum

o  EB: "People are somking potatoes, wearing them, building houses out of them. 
        Bloody potatoes. Next thing you know, they'll be eating them."
      
o  WR: "Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head 
        bleed."
   EB: "So some sort of hat is probably in order?"

o  Percy: "Oh, yes, I touched her once."
   EB: "You touched her where?"
   Percy: "In the corridor."
   EB: "I've never heard it called that before."

o  EB: "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
   WR: "Well, if I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old Sea Dog."
   EB: "Ah yes, where is the Old Sea Dog?"
   WR: "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

o  RR: "Arrrr, you have a woman's hands, my lord!"
     - to EB

o  EB: "Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a ... git!"
     - to RR

o  P : "Don't despair, good woman.  He died a hero's death, giving his life 
        that his friends might live."
   EB: "And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes."
     - To Nursey about RR

o  EB: "Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate    
        second course."
     - to Nursey about RR

o  LM: "Lord Blackadder.  Our foremost cartographers have given us a        
        map of the area you'll be traversing."
   EB: "But it's blank!"
   LM: "Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go."
     
o  EB: "I thought it was common maritime practise to have a crew."
   RR: "Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord.  All the other
        captains say it is.  I say it isn't."

o  EB: "What's this?"
    B: "It's a potato."
   EB: "It's rhetorical question."
    B: "No it isn't, it's a potato."
   EB: "Baldrick, to you it's a potato, to me it's potato.  To sir Walter bloody
        Raleigh, it's titles, homes, and all the girls his tongue can handle."

4. Money

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
BB   : Bishop of Bath and Wells (Ronald Lacey)
MP   : Mr. Pants (Barry Craine)

The Bishop of Bath and Wells arrives to collect on a debt that Edmund owes.


o   EB: "He only wanted to pay a 1000 pounds, but I managed to beat him up to   
         1500."
     P: "Oh well done my lord!"
    EB: "Yes, well credit where credit's due.  It was Baldrick who actually did
         the beating up."

o   B : "Lord Melchett is very ill.  Apparently he's at death's door."
    EB: "Ahh, well, then, my faithful reinstated family retainer, let's go  
         open it for him, shall we?"

o   EB: "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own    
         satanic herd!"

o   EB: "A chat with you and death loses its sting."

o   EB: "You're a one, aren't you?  When you should be whispering sweet     
         conversational nothings like 'Goodness me, something twice the size 
         of the Royal Barge has just hove into view between the sheets!' you 
         say nothing; but enter the creature from the Black Latrine and you 
         can't keep your mouth shut."

o  EB: "Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,     
        Percy?"
   P : "Perhaps, my lord."
   EB: "That you, Percy, are an utter berk."

o  EB: "It was terrific, madam.  I thank God I wore my corset because I
        think my sides have split."

o  MP: "You've really got your banter worked out, haven't you?"
   EB: "No, this is a new thing.  It's spontaneous and it's called wit."

o  EB: "I only did not laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head 
        might have fallen off."

o  EB: "Ah ah, not so fast. No that it would make any difference. We have the 
        preliminary sketches..."
       - to the Bishop, after showing him the incriminating painting

? o  BB: "You fiend!  Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded   
          perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

? o  BB: "Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted 
          men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the   
          church?"
       - The baby eating Bishop of Bath and Wells, after seeing the portrait,
         
o  EB: "Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest    
        living comedian!"

o  EB: "The grave opens up before me like a...big hole in the ground."
     
o  EB: "It's green."
   P : "Yes, my lord!"
   EB: "Percy, the colour of gold, is gold. Whatever you have discovered
        if it has a name would be called green."
   P : "Oh Edmund can it be true, that I hold in my mortal hands a nugget
            of purest GREEN??
       - Percy after discovering the secret of alchemy


o  B : "Wot, have you got a plan, my lord?"
   EB: "Yes, I have. And it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!"

o  EB: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since    
        departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

o  P : "But aren't they the most fanatical puritans in all of England?"
   EB: "Yes, But they have one redeeming feature.  Their wallets.  As       
        capacious as an elephants scrotum, and about as difficult to get your 
        hands on."

o  EB: "Baldrick, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder 
        wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."

o  BB: "Bend over Blackadder it's poker time"

5. Beer

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
LM   : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
LW   : Lady Whiteadder (Miriam Margolyes)
SP   : Simon Partridge (Hugh Laurie)
FF   : Freddie Frobisher

Edmund has his Aunt and Uncle Whiteadder over for dinner,as well as hosting
a drinking party at the same time.

o  (Baldrick enters, carrying the front door)
   EB: "Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give 
        phenomenally good."
   B : "You said, 'Get the door."
   EB: "Not good enough.  You're fired."
   B : "But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!"
   EB: "So has syphilis.  Now get out!"

o  EB: "Ah!  God pats me on the head and says, 'Good boy, Edmund!'"

o  LM: "You twist and turn like a ... twisty, turny thing."

o  LW: "I hope you did not invite anyone else.  For where there are others, 
        there are people to fornicate with!"
   EB: "Well, I'll just go tell them to ... fornicate off."

o  B: "That's very ironic, because I have a thingy that's shaped like a     
       turnip."
      
o  LW: "Don't call me 'aunt'!  For aunts are relatives and relatives are      
        evidence of sex!  And sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner 
        table!"
   EB: "Or indeed any table."
   P : "Except perhaps a table in a brothel."

o  SP: "'Stuck in.'  Waaay-hey!  Get it?  Sounds a bit *rude*, doesn't it?"

o  LW: "Edmund!  Explain yourself!"
   EB: "I can't.  Not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,
        Auntie."

o  LM: "What I drunk last night, would have floored a rhinocerous."
   EB: "Yes, if it was allergic to lemonade."

o  FF: "BUM! Get it? Sounds a bit like ... bum really"
   
o  EB: "Percy, the devil farts in my face once more."

o  Q : "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and 
        stomach of a concrete elephant."

o  P : "You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
       - to EB's religious Uncle Whiteadder

6. Chains

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
LM   : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL   : Prince Ludwig (Hugh Laurie)

Edmund and Melchett are kidnapped by a German who plans to overthrow 
England's Queen.

o  Queenie : "Lord Percy, either you can Shut Up, Or you can have your head
              cut off."
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: "I'll shut up."


o  EB: "Baaaaaa."
       - EB to Melchie

o  Q : "And what did you say to him?"
   EB: "Say, madam?  I said nothing.  I simply pulled up my tights and jumped 
        out the privy window."
   Q : "Oh, Edmund!  You're so naughty!"
   EB: "Well, I try, madam.  And then ten minutes later when I've got my    
        breath back, I try again."

o  EB: "Oh, God!  God!  What on earth was I drinking last night?  My head   
        feels like there's a Frenchman living in it!"

o  LM: "As private parts to the gods are we:  they play with us for their   
        sport!"

o  PL: "I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you?"
   EB: "It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
        inconweenience me!"

o  PL: "You think yourself amusing, Blackadder."
   EB: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

o  Q : "Then he's vanished.  Completely vanished."
   P : "Like an old oak table."
   Q : "'Vanished,' Lord Percy, not 'varnished.'"

o  EB: "You don't mean...?"
   PL: "Yes!  *I* was the waitress."

o  LM: "Blackadder!  What are you saying??  What of loyalty, honour,       
        self-respect?"
   EB: "What of 'em?"
   LM: "...Nothing."

o  EB: "Madam, without you, life is like a broken pencil."
   Q : "Explain."
   EB: "Pointless."

o  Q : "Many apil-ogies for the in-con-wien-ience".
       - Queenie reading Price Ludwig's letter

o  Q : "..I have decided to spend the money on... A Big Party,
        Can't decide between between my two faves, so I've decided
        to keep the money and spend it all on a Big Splash Up.
        Hope you aren't too miffed. By-eee"

o  Q : "What you, Shorty greasy spot, spot?"
       - The Queen to Prince Ludwig

o  LM: "I'll never see England again,
        Her rolling hills, her swooping swallows..."
   EB: "Her playful sheep.."

o  Q: "Everything is still the same. Lord Percy is still unemployed, your   
       animal is still not housetrained, and Nursey here is still a few     
       sticks short of a bundle"

o  PL: "So Lord Melchett.  We meet again."
   LM: "No, I don't recall."
   PL: "Remember that lonely shepherd you used to sit with."
   LM: "No you're not."
   PL: "Yes Lord Melchit. I. I was Flossey.  BAAAAAA."
     
o  German Guards: Further insulting guestures to the prisoners.  (Guards    
                  place hands on hips and thrust them forward.  Melchie and 
                  BA kick or punch guards in groin.  Guards collapse.)
   EB: "Trust me to get the hard one."

o  EB: "Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."

      "If I admit that I'm in love with..."
      <guard shakes his head.>
      "No??"
      <guard does a half somersault>
      "Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his
       little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument
       resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that
       out, and roast them over a large fire. 

       Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan
       and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of
       warm marmalade..

       <pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation>

       AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind
       of gardening tool.

       Well in that case, I love Satan....

      <guard produces a scythe>
   
      Oh, it's a scythe....."

o   LM: "Some pleasant word game perhaps?"
    EB: "OK make a sentence from these words, face sodding your shut"
=============================  NEED HELP PLACING THESE ======================
     
o  EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?
    B: "To catch mice, my lord.  I lie on the ground with my mouth open
        and hope they scurry in."
    EB: "Do they?"
    B: "Not yet, my lord."
    EB: "I am not surprised.  Your breath comes straight from Satan's       
         bottom."

    <Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose>

    EB: "Why?"
    B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord.  I thought I'd try cat
        for variety."

o   EB: "It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and 
         intelligent company, so by learned discourse he may rise above 
         the savage and closer to God"
    P : "Yes, I've heard that"
    EB: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total 
         dickhead, to remind me I'm best"

o  "Not _the_ Jane Harrington?  Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' 
     Harrington?" ...bangs like a privy door when the plague's in town?"
       - EB to Percy, BA2

o  Percy: "I use to dream of being an actor in my youth. They did call me the
            man of a thousand faces."
    EB:   "So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now?"
       - BA2

o  "Why don't you take a holiday Baldrick .... did you enjoy it?"
       - BA2 ?

o "Don't worry, you'll get over her. I did, and so did Baldric."
       - EB to Percy, when he discovers a new love, BA2


o  "I'm afraid that might not be far enough. Apparently the head Mongol
    and the Duke are good friends. They were at Eaton together."
       - Blackadder to the Prince trying to escape the Dukes wrath, BA2

o  Baldrick: (after being shot in the groin with an arrow). "I shall call it
              my lucky willie.  Years from now I shall take it out and show
              my grandchildren.
   EB: "I think grandchildren are out of the question Baldrick."
       - BA2

o  EB: "I've got a problem with my manservant."
   Doctor: "Well, just pop it on the table and we'll have a look at it."
       - BA2
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