From: rbyrnes@alsvid.une.edu.au (Rod Byrnes)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: A whole bunch of answering machine messages
Date: 1 Sep 92 06:27:23 GMT
Organization: University of New England - Northern Rivers (Lismore)


Here's a number of answering machine messages that have been posted in
the last year or so. I have only got a list of the ones I like, so those
who have seen these lists before will notice some missing. The following
people deserve the credit for the original messages. Sorry if I miss
anyone. Dave Horsfall, Lindset Durway, Peter Koch, Wayne Doust, Bernd
Felsche, David McFadzean, John Rappel, Chris Ewing, and probably a
hundred others.

Hope this keeps you bunch quiet for a while :)

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This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.

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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.

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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

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Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!

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[VOICE 1]  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2]  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

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Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very 
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an
answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine...you hear a beep....

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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

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How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!!

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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not
witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not
commit a bear...dern...

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Hi, thanks for calling. I can't answer the phone right now as I am trying
to avoid someone. If I don't call you back, it was you.

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(message is in rap..)

We're not able to come to the phone,
We're out on the streets, man - we're not at home.
You think we sit around by the phone all day,
Waiting for ya call? Man! NO WAY!

If you've got a message you'd like to tell..
Please leave ya rap after the bell.. bell.. bell..
Tell us ya name, and ya number,
yah man, do it, yah.. <BEEP!!!!>

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Hello, John's answering machine is broken right now this is
John's toaster, please leave a message after the toast is
done....[kachunk]

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[ Heavy breathing and moaning in background ]

We're having too much fun to come to the phone right now.

If you leave your name and phone number, we'll give you a
call when we don't want to enjoy ourselves any more.

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Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye.

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...always calling... the phone, the phone... I can't reach the phone from
here... oh god... this transmission ends...

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Hi, I'd get the phone, but I'm busy with this fabulous babe. No wait, I'm
busy with two fabulous, heck, four fabulous, no IT'S HUNDREDS, OH MY GOD,
IT'S THOUSANDS OF FABULOUS BABES AND THEY ARE EATING MY BRAIN!

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(classical music in background, slow stoned voice)
Don't you ever wonder what life would be like?

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Dear Caller: as I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for
a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty
mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did
you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

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Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.

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Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for
a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Krazy's. Life sucks.

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Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home,
and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't
ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (coughing loony laughter)

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We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval.

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You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

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Steve:  Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt:  No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
        with that frying pan?!?
  BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

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Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

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This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

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Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this buttone does......

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Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

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A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."

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I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:
    "Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
    "Hartland home for lost whores."  (that was hartland CG)
    "Da, ziz iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
    "Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
        T minus one minute and counting"
    And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
    "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
    "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British log distance rates are
phenomenal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

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This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:


<Phone Rings>

Noisy pick-up of phone

Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?

Hi, I'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

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But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!

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[Must have a good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious

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Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

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Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favourite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.

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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera...

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Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:

(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)

Make everyone's day a little more surreal.

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Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

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[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

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Hello. This is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number...

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(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)

WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...

YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)

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Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
with a vacuum cleaner.

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Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

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"Speak, work!" <beep>

 Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

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"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>

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"Hello?" <beep>
 This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
 
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"Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
 A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
 "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
 
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(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a 
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message. if I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )...

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Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make.
BEEEP!

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick 
your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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One of my favourites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry 
the kitty. The choice is YOURS....   BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

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<beep, beep, beep>
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

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In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."

   A few people even got the joke...
   
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"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"

"Lucifer speaking, who in hell do you want?"

"Heaven, God speaking."

"Bridge, Kirk here."

"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

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If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come
to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probable aren't at home.

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This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

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"I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
" We're not home; leave a message."

He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.

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"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montoya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
<beep>

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My favourite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:

"I'm writing the definitive work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This
is for posterity.

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From Halloween this year:

Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

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(French monologue in the background)

Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
a first or second language. But with your continued support
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave 
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

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Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:

caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
me:                     "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."

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How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:

<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?

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I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment:
I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that
last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name,
phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been
doing.

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Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine.
This is the nineties. You know what to do.

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Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've
got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag
exploding.)

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(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is
that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine. So, leave a message.

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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

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Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number?
Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up.

Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I
speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John
called?". Hang up.

Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any
messages?"

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-- 
Rod Byrnes  Internet:  rbyrnes@alsvid.une.edu.au   Phone:  +61 66 891067
    University of New England, Northern Rivers (Lismore) NSW Australia