From: anon.31@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Still Wondering
Date: 18 Dec 1992 17:10:17 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.31@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Liam here again.  More on being enraged when awakened.

In article <168C0B0D9.ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU (Erin) writes:

>Yes, Yes, Yes!!! I am exactly the same way, although not nearly as bad
>now (I stopped living with the perps over 10 years ago). But, I still
>freak really easily sometimes. Were you always like this, or has it been
>since going into therapy? Maybe, if some memories are close to surfacing,
>the behavior patterns are temporarily becoming more extreme.
 
I haven't always been like this.  It started several years ago, but it's 
become more intense since I've been in therapy.  And it really doesn't
make any sense.  A couple of weeks ago I was taking a nap on top of the
bed.  My wife woke me up to ask for my car keys.  Even after I was aware
that it was she, and knew what she wanted, I was still feeling anger.
It was a perfectly reasonable request, and there was no reason to be
angry with her.  The feeling went away in a few minutes, and I was left
feeling foolish.

>I think a lot of times abusers wait until the victim is asleep so they
>can pretend that what they're doing won't matter or they won't get caught.
>And its really convenient (for them) since they can say later, "oh, that
>didn't *really* happen, you just dreamed it."
 
>If you were abused while you were sleeping, then that would be one good
>explanation for why you react so violently when people try to wake you up.
 
I'm having a hard time believing that I was sexually abused.  There was
abuse of other kinds--emotional starvation--but my parents were decidedly
non-physical.  I can't remember that they ever touched each other.
Well, they must have, at least once, since I'm here, but never in my
presence.  The idea that either of them would physically abuse me in
any way just isn't consistent with my memories of them.  The only other
person in the house was my sister, and she's equally unbelieveable as
an abuser.  I wouldn't even have thought of sexual abuse except that
both my therapist and a close friend, who is aware of my behavior,
independently hinted at the possibility.

It obviously didn't come out of nowhere, though.  Maybe as I continue
with therapy and let the suppressed feelings and memories surface,
something will show up to explain it.  Or maybe someone will post
something here that triggers some sort of memory.  I'll just have
to wait and see, I guess.

Liam

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