From: kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com (Kevin Brown)
Subject: Various ramblings...
Organization: I can't see any in the immediate vicinity...
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1992 05:49:03 GMT

Remember when Larry Margolis said that I might be better off describing
myself and my situation in microscopic detail, instead of doing the
"binary search" thing?  Well, here it is.

But first, a digression (or two  :-).

As has been pointed out numerous times already, I think I ate my foot
when I said that most women require the guy to have money, and pointed to
the "financially stable" requirements so often seen in personals.

It was pointed out that they're more likely looking to avoid freeloaders.
I must admit, I hadn't considered that possibility, and inasmuch as such
a purpose is a weaker precondition than the guy being rich enough to support
the woman, I'm inclined to think the "freeloader" explanation is a better
explanation.

But it does make me wonder: are there so many freeloading guys out there,
who would use and abuse the resources of the lady like that?  So many that
"financially stable" is seen in almost every personal ad written by a
female?  If so, why don't they just say "no freeloaders"?


On to other things.

It has been pointed out to me, via email, that one of the possible reasons
I have so much trouble getting dates is my overwhelming concern for
correctness, and that this concern is so obvious in my postings that it
may have blown any possibility of meeting potential partners through the
net (something I hadn't even though of, inasmuch as I haven't seen any
women posting to the net from my corner of the world).  This, I must admit,
is very possible.

My concern for correctness is so prevalent that you might say it defines
who I am.  I believe very strongly that one cannot be happy for very long
living a lie, that knowing exactly how the real world works and where you
stand with respect to it is mandatory if you're to get anywhere in it.
It is a lesson that has been pounded into me through many years of hard
experience.  When I forget it and try to do something without knowing
what I'm doing, the real world invariably teaches me the lesson again,
often in painful ways.  Approaching a woman I find attractive without
knowing what I'm doing is an excellent way of getting the lesson again.
Before you say that there's not much to lose in that, consider that I
managed to lose a job that way, and that it forced me out of school as
a result.  This was, of course, because I didn't take the hint of dis-
interest (and kept trying as a result.  After all, if you persist long
enough, you'll eventually get your way, right?  Wrong), but I didn't take
that hint because I didn't know what I was doing.

At least I haven't gotten myself killed yet.

I have no religious beliefs.  There's no evidence to support such bunk.
So I don't believe in any sort of afterlife, nor do I believe in any
sort of universal justice.  This has two primary effects: it means that
I'll go to very great lengths to prevent harm to myself, and it means
that I have only a very small window of opportunity to get things right.

I can't get things right unless I do the right things, and I can't do the
right things unless I know what I'm doing, and that means I have to be
*correct*.

I've said it before.  I'll say it again.  Good things don't *ever* happen
to me unless I make them happen.  Period.  This is why the "ignore the
problem" approach to solving a problem doesn't work for me: I'm not that
lucky.

So I have to learn about my environment and figure out what's going on
before I can succeed at something.  The real world doesn't seem to let
me get away with anything else.

Some of you will probably say "why not use your intuition"?  Or, in
short, "use the Force, Luke".  :-)  Well, this question leads into the
meat of this posting, a description of myself and my situation.

I was born with learning disabilities.  In particular, I had serious
pattern-matching deficiencies of all kinds, from sound patterns to
visual patterns.  This was basically a general lack of associative
ability, I think: I had trouble associating sound patterns with words
and meanings, for instance.  I didn't know what the sound pattern
"mommy" meant.  I just knew that it was an interesting sound pattern,
and applied it randomly.  I also had coordination problems, both small
and large scale.  They worked on the small-scale stuff, but not so much
on the large-scale stuff.  So I'm good with tools and things, but not
very good at sports.

Just how they managed to get things through to me is beyond me, but they
succeeded somehow.  I went though speech therapy (and other forms of
therapy) and went to special schools.  My memory for events is pretty
lousy anyway, and to compound the problem I can't remember much further
back than when I was 10 or so, so I don't remember everything they did.
But I think it's pretty obvious that the method they taught me to
allow me to do associations and to learn things in general was what
we all know as logic.

And, of course, the time I had to spend going through all that was time
I couldn't spend interacting with others, so I never learned much about
how to read people.  Needless to say, this caused lots of problems when
I transitioned to public school (at 5th grade level), particularly when
I hit junior high school, at which point everyone becomes mean for some
reason.  This paragraph is turning out too well (nice right margin), so
I'll go on to the next one while I'm still ahead.  :-)

Anyway, I learned from junior high, high school, and college that people
will take advantage of you if you let them.  I learned not to trust anyone
for important things except myself (for instance, I don't trust anyone to
drive my car).  This will probably present considerable difficulty in a
relationship, where such trust is required.

I learned that people don't like other people who are somehow different from
them.  I learned that people don't like people who are particularly smart and
who ask lots of questions.  I learned that people are cruel.  But worst of
all, I learned that people were unfathomable:  I couldn't figure them out.

So here I am today, alone as usual.  The only way I can learn things is
by examining my surroundings and deriving information from my observations.
And because I still have some remnants of my learning disabilities, I
have to make these observations consciously.  The subconscious pattern
recognition stuff has always been shot to pieces.  The only thing my
subconscious is good for is repetitive stuff, like typing.

That's why I can't "use the Force".  It's why I'm "cold and calculating".
It's why I can't read people.  It's why I can't use so much of that good
advice that you guys have been giving me (and why you're probably so
annoyed with me for saying, so often, "yes, but" :-).  It's why I *depend*
on being correct, and thus why I'm so concerned *about* being correct.

Okay, now I've described myself.  Now it's time for me to describe my
situation.

I'm 28 now.  I'm working for a startup computer firm, so I'm not making a lot
of money.  $20K is about right.  After I lost my job and had to quit college,
I never have been able to stick with it long enough to get a degree.  I keep
needing money, and computer science is demanding enough (even 6 hours of
classwork requires close to 30 hours a week!) that I can't make money and
get my degree at the same time.  It sucks.  Add to that the emotional problems
I had a couple of years ago, which severely hampered my performance to the
extent that I had to drop out of two different schools, and you might see
why I'm seriously considering abandoning the entire process of getting a
bachelor's degree.

Fortunately, my degree isn't particularly *necessary* if I run into the right
people, which I have.  My employer doesn't value degrees.  He values talent
and ability, which is why I have the job I have.

Well, $20k isn't enough to do a whole lot with.  If I were living alone, it
would barely be enough to live on.  So I'm not.  I'm living in the same house
I grew up in and paying half the bills.  My father owns the place, and my
mother and I are living there and paying the utility and maintenance costs.

I have the opportunity to increase my income to $30k, but it's going to
require me to work 60 hours a week instead of the current 40, so it's
not a raise or anything, just a greater work opportunity.

So I don't have a lot of money.  It *is* enough for me to afford a
reasonable car, though, so I bought one: a 1992 Mustang GT.  I had to
buy a good car with air conditioning anyway due to the work I'm doing
(consulting/contracting), and the tradeoff between initial expense and
maintenance made the new car purchase worth it.  Insurance is killing
me, though.

At $30k, though, I'll be able to pursue some of my interests, like
auto racing.  I'm currently in the process of slowly saving up for
a car for this (don't want to risk my new Mustang, which I intend to
keep essentially forever, on something like that).

From the point of view of a potential mate, this probably doesn't look
very promising.  :-(   I'm holding my own, but it's not easy.  I have
some money to spare for putting into a relationship, but not a lot.  I
have no intention on relying on the other person for anything, of course,
because I *am* holding my own and will continue to do so.  I refuse to
rely on someone else for money like that, so I'm not the sort of person
who would ever be a "freeloader" except under extreme conditions.  But
it means that she must also be holding her own, and must not be looking
for someone to eventually support her (unless I can substantially
increase my per-unit-time income somehow).  I suspect (but can't prove)
that this eliminates a *lot* of people who might otherwise be very
desirable.

You already know that my interests are all male-dominated (computers,
science, fast cars, aviation, technology in general, etc.).  About the
only ones that arent't is my interest in cats, but there's little to talk
about there, and my interest in music (jazz in particular), which also
yields little to actually talk about.  I have a couple of friends, but they
are *also* computer types who don't really know many people (one is into
ballroom dancing, and he knows a few people, but has not offered to introduce
me, and the people he knows tend to value physical condition, which for me is
relatively poor [6'3" tall, weigh 220 lbs. which is *not* muscle.  Could
be worse, but could be better], so that's out), so I won't get anywhere
via my friends.

So that's who I am and what my situation is.  The next question, of
course, is: what can I do about my single status while working within
my limitations and situation?  Some of the suggestions have been good,
and I can use lots more of them.


Hmm...this isn't nearly as long as I expected.  :-)


-- 
				Kevin Brown

			    kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com
			    kevin@taronga.taronga.com