HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: A Big One
Date: 21 Jan 93 08:55:22 -0600
Organization: Memphis State University

Some time ago, after the evening meal, my wife and I were listening to our
twenty year old son tell some sophomoronic jokes regarding the size of his
penis. After one particularly outrageous exageration about his equipment
size, My wife said, "I know better, Son."  He replied that she hadn't
changed his diapers lately and that he had done a lot of growing since then
 - a LOT!. Then my sweet wife killed us both when she said, ""But, you are
your Father's son." At that, I had to have a coffee refill, my son went to
the toilet, and my wife went to the bedroom.

While in the kitchen, I heard my son holler out, "Dad, come here!"
I yelled back, "I'm busy!" Then I heard, "Mom, come here, quick!"
As she came down the hall she says, "What?"  "Look at this!", he said.
"My GOD, it's huge!", says she. So what was I supposed to think?
I hollered out, "Pull up your pants, Son!"

After we had stopped laughing enough to get our senses back,
it turned out they were talking about a rather large spider.
-- 

oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo
oo1oo     Binary 4s all around.  And a "bit-bird" to you too!     oo1oo
oo1oo   ------------------------------------------------------    oo1oo
oo1oo    Some people don't know the difference between a grin     oo1oo
oo1oo    and a grimace.  /s/Dennis (nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu)    oo1oo
oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo
From: e_p@unl.edu (edgar pearlstein)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A Puzzle for all you clever bods....
Date: 24 Jan 1993 14:55:04 GMT
Organization: University of Nebraska--Lincoln	
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: unlinfo.unl.edu

richs@cogs.sussex.ac.uk (Richard Salter) writes:

>Place any punctuation into this sentence so that it makes English,
>grammatical sense:

>that that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
         Well, here's another:

    John where Peter had had had had had had had had had had had Miss Jones 
    approval


Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: johnson@spectra.com (boyd johnson)
Subject: The Twelve Days of Clinton --- Day 6
Organization: Spectragraphics Corporation
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 93 21:08:22 GMT


"On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see 
six billion in aid to students, 
five folding wings of the Air Force. 
Four balanced budgets, 
three liberal judges, 
two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.

Author "Loose" Bruce Kerr, from the "Unofficial Summary of the
Rush Limbaugh Show" transcribed by John Switzer (jrs@netcom.com)

-- 
======== Boyd Johnson    nosc!spectra.com!johnson  San Diego, Ca. ========
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 15:09:33 GMT
Subject: Re: Clinton's Statue
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO
Newsgroups: rec.humor

All these Clinton jokes and he ain't even at the starting gate yet.  

"Willie, when does the inauguration start?"

"Oh, about fifteen minutes, George ... "

"Swell!  I have time for one more air strike ... "

   Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest

                     "ACME -- The Name You Can Trust!"
--
 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
 |                               DISCLAIMER                                   |
 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
 |   Who cares what I think?  I don't take MYSELF seriously, why should you?  |
 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
 | Greg Goebel                             NET:     gvg@hpislsup              |
 | Hewlett-Packard                         HP DESK: GREG GOEBEL               |
 | VXD Marketing                           PHONE:   Telnet/303 679-3424       |
 | POB 301 / MS-CU326 / Loveland CO 80539  FAX:     Telnet/303 679-5957       |
 +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: Scott.Anderson@f31.n282.z1.tdkt.kksys.com (Scott Anderson)
Sender: FredGate@tdkt.kksys.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Misc Traffic Rules
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 21:07:00 -0600

TO: 1:282/31 
To: sgupta@coral.cs.unm.edu 
 On 01-23-93 Sarang Gupta Babbled to All... 
 
 SG> Red means stop. 
 SG> Green means go. 
 SG> Yellow means... ACCELERATE!!!!!!! 
I always thought it was green means go, yellow means go 
faster, and red means go fast and quietly... 
 
 
... OFFLINE 1.41 * I had my coat hangers spayed.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Strange Place Names (English)
From: tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 10:42:33 PST
Organization: NetLink Online Communications, San Diego CA

kraai4712@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:

> In article <45092@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU>, jmcd@cea.berkeley.edu (John McDonald)
> > 
> > Well, i was perusing the latest Europe map sent out
> > by National Geographic.  There's a town about 60km
> > south of Minsk in Belarus called.....Slutsk!
> > 
> > Or am i the only one that finds that funny...?
> > 
> > Others?
> > 
> 
> I live a few miles from Dike, Iowa ...
> 
> --jim

is that near Buttfuck, Egypt?

--                    
INTERNET:  tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
UUCP:   ...!ryptyde!netlink!tumidity
NetLink Online Communications * Public Access in San Diego, CA (619) 453-1115
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: pyotr@halcyon.com (Peter D. Hampe)
Subject: Re: Earthquake Songs
Keywords: music, earthquake
Organization: Northwest Nexus Inc. (206) 455-3505
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 20:24:08 GMT

Quidnuncs: "Charlie Ricter's Scale"  (fifty's??)

Cheery little song about earthquakes in California
and charlie ricters scale for calebrating them.

cathy tune too.

Where to find?: Good luck, heard it once on the radio.

chus
pyotr

-- 
Pyotr aka Peter D. Hampe : eka pyotr@halcyon.com
Nothing says loving like a bun in the oven.
EOF
From: gt2841c@prism.gatech.EDU (gt2841c)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ASCII roses
Keywords: vt100 animation
Date: 25 Jan 93 15:02:01 GMT
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology

]                       _____
]                     /  ___  \
]                   /  /  _  \  \
]                 /( /( /(_)\ )\ )\
]                (  \  \ ___ /  /  )
]                (    \ _____ /    )
]                /(               )\
]               |  \             /  |
]               |    \ _______ /    |
]                \    / \   / \    /
]                  \/    | |    \/
]                        | |
]                        | |
]                        |_|
]
]            A rose for the lovely lady...


I don't know... this "rose" looks like a penis wearing a dress shirt.


Koushik
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Mystery Science Theater 3000
From: tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 15:24:49 PST
Organization: NetLink Online Communications, San Diego CA

pgunterman@desire.wright.edu writes:

> In article <1993Jan19.091201.5066@wkuvx1.bitnet>, futrena@wkuvx1.bitnet write
> > Does anyone else like to watch _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on
> > Comedy Central?  Please repond if you do.
> > 
> > -- 
> > +=========================================================================+
> > |Nathan Futrell        | Crow:  Hey Joel, I think we've seen this before. |
> > |futrena@WKUVX1.BITNET | Joel:  I don't think so...                       |
> > |Western Kentucky U.   | Tom Servo:  Ever have deja vu?                   |
> > |Bowling Green, KY USA | All in Unison:  Uh what uh...?                   |
> > |                      |   From the MST 3K viewing of the movie "Ro-man"  |
> > +=========================================================================+
> YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really can't stand it.  I mean, my comments are much funnier than those 
idiots.  Why can't they just stand out of the way?  Let the movies fall 
of their own weight.  I mean, Santa Claus Versus The Martians is Really 
Bad.  So bad it's, like, super-bad.  I know - why don't they put the 
comments on the SOP band, so those who want to listen, can buy adapters.

--                    
INTERNET:  tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
UUCP:   ...!ryptyde!netlink!tumidity
NetLink Online Communications * Public Access in San Diego, CA (619) 453-1115
From: michaelc@spider.co.uk (Michael Cochrane)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: what a sad case!!
Date: 22 Jan 93 13:47:26 GMT
Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK.

Warning, Warning sad Canadian alert.........

>>From: ebrahim@ee.umanitoba.ca (Mohamad Ebrahimi)
>>Newsgroups: rec.humor
>>Subject: Re: Stupid names

>>Date: 20 Jan 93 01:56:57 GMT
>>Sender: news@ccu.umanitoba.ca
>>Organization: Elect & Comp Engineering, U of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada


 Obviously people who have XXXX for brains are trying to be funny by taking the crap out of a community which have suffered a near disaster.


>>   The most stupis name I have ever heard is the British Shetland Islands, which by the way, these days are real " Shitland "!

The Island are a beautiful part of Britain which have suffered with great loss
of   their natural inhabitants and the basis for the local community to survive and make a living due to an inexpereinced crew guiding an oil tanker down a treacherous area of water.

This also comes from someone who studies at a place called Manitoba,  sounds as though your a first year student who thinks their smart, what a sad case.


Have fun,

--Michael--

Waiting for a nice reply...........
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: johnson@sleipnir.pb.wes.mot.com (Mark Johnson)
Subject: Re: Strange Place Names (English)
Reply-To: johnson@wes.mot.com
Organization: Motorola Wireless Enterprises, Schaumburg, IL
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 14:35:40 GMT

In article <C1AJ1x.CK9@news.ucs.mun.ca>, cwelsh@morgan.ucs.mun.ca (Craig Welsh  ) writes:
=)>>south of Minsk in Belarus called.....Slutsk!
=)>	How about Dildo, Newfoundland. 
=)>	Colon, Panama.
=)Actually, just go to a library and start looking up some of the place
=)names in Newfoundland. Dildo is perhaps the most infamous one, but there
=)are plenty of other ones. How about Upper Gullies for a start?
=)
My personal favorite, in the north of Newfoundland, is Joe Batt's Arm.  I
always wondered about Newfoundland, though--it seems that it's much better
to be on an east-facing coast (Heart's Content, Heart's Delight, Paradise,
etc.) than on a west-facing coast (Purgatory, Hades, Misery, etc.)  Any
reason for this correlation?  Some of these towns are within a few miles
of each other.  :-)/2
-- 
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| "Johnson"            | Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at  |
| johnson@wes.mot.com  |                 least two to one.                   |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Disclaimer:  If Motorola agreed with what I said, I'd get paid a lot more. |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mbfeld@unix.amherst.edu (A waste of bandwidth originating)
Subject: Re: Wierd Names
Organization: an unknown point
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL7]
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 20:20:02 GMT


Christopher Jon Petit (petitc@nuge111.its.rpi.edu) wrote:
: bschroeder@desire.wright.edu (Brian Schroeder) writes:
: 
: >> How about those fake book names, like: 
:  Demolition Derbies Illustrated by Carl Wrecked
:  Biography of Rush Limbaugh by Ize Hitler
:  Techniques for Winning at the Racetrack by Be Ting Odz
:  A Guide to Casinos by Iwuz Rich
:  Garden of Eden by Wanna B. Adam, illustrated by Iwuz Eve
:  Tourists Guide to New York by Ivebn Robd

Really...the idea is to come up with a name that not only refers to the book
title but could also be someone's name.  As a rule, the last name can be
almost anything, but the first name must be a real first name.

What's so funny about something like

Dumb Things to Do by Thissus Stoopid?

Noone's name is "Thissus Stupid".

Marlon the ANAL SPOILER
From: wright@duca.hi.com (David Wright)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Misc Traffic Rules
Date: 26 Jan 93 17:39:55 GMT
Organization: Hitachi Computer Products, OSSD division
NNTP-Posting-Host: duca.hi.com

In article <1993Jan26.165300.18344@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov> maven@hercules.lerc.nasa.gov writes:
>In the Boston area I have come across FLASHING green lights.
>I asked a policeman what it meant (I know what flashing yellow
>and red lights mean).  He had no idea.  Does anyone else out there
>know for real what they mean?

Well, for all the instances of it I've seen, it means that the traffic
light is used by a nearby fire station, and when the fire engines are
on their way out, it'll go from green to red.  Why they have it blink
is unknown to me, unless it's to show that it's not burned out.

Oh, and the item about Boston driving that was posted last week is
from "Wild in the Streets:  The Boston Driver's Handbook," and I think
it would be nice if the jerkoff who'd posted it had said so,
particularly since it's copyrighted.

OBJ:

If you die while you're on hold, does the little blinking light at the
other end go out?  -- George Carlin

  -- David Wright, Hitachi Computer Products (America), Inc.  Waltham, MA
     wright@hicomb.hi.com  ** my opinion, not necessarily Hitachi's **
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Driving rules not in the DMV manual
From: mulvenad@fri.cri.nz
Date: 26 Jan 93 09:22:43 +1300
Organization: New Zealand Forest Research Institute

I'm reminded of the new labelling on the stop lights in Las Vegas...
   Stop, Go, and 3-1 you don't make it! 
-- 
****  Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?  ****

Damian Mulvena                     Phone: +64 7 347 5446
Forest Research Institute          Internet: mulvenad@fri.cri.nz
Rotorua, NEW ZEALAND               Bitnet: mulvenad%fri.cri.nz@uunet.uu.net
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jim@fuji.eng.yale.edu (James J. Szinger)
Subject: Re: Read this in case of fire.
Organization: Yale University, Intelligent Sensors Lab, Elect. Eng.
Date: 25 Jan 93 14:52:09

In article <del.727947858@hawk> del@hawk.adied.oz.au (D Elson) writes:

>I always thought that signs that say "In Case of Fire
>Do Not Use Lift" really meant "Do not use the lift, because
>if you do use the lift a fire might break out".

In case of fire do not use elevators.

Use water.

--
James Szinger                        jim@fuji.eng.yale.edu

"He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad."
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.sex.wizards,alt.sex
From: bwebb@nrchh129.RICH.nt.com (Brad Webb)
Subject: Coming of age
Organization: Northern Telecom, Inc.
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 21:38:29 GMT


A friend told me about his young son (maybe 3 yr old):

the boy walked into his parents bedroom Au Natural holding
his manhood and looking at it with intense concentration.

Then with a look of wonder he looked up to his parents saying,

"Daddy, my penis has balls!!".

Those of us older would love to be able to say that with
impunity... or is that impotency???

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: teb2@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (TIMOTHY EUGENE BAKER)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Another test
Date: 26 Jan 93 00:56:55 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1jsim7INN5eh@access.usask.ca>, stern@herald.usask.ca (Bill Stern) wr
ites:
>
>This is just a test.
>You're only being a pest.
From: fret@dcs.warwick.ac.uk (Jim Viner)
Subject: Re: Don't read this
Organization: Department of Computer Science, Warwick University, England
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 09:32:30 GMT

In article <1jjoklINNchp@kralizec.zeta.org.au> awilson@kralizec.zeta.org.au (Alan Wilson) writes:
>sgupta@coral.cs.unm.edu (Sarang Gupta) writes:
>
>>In article <1993Jan15.223131.13489@cerberus.ulaval.ca> jacques@lac_ivanhoe.grgl writes:
>>>This is my first try.  I don't known how it work
>>That's OK... you're not a jerk...
>Not another cascade. I'm gonna perk.
You that n I'll go berserk!
Organization: Freshman, CIT general, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 22:17:28 -0500 
From: Jason Paul Togyer <jt3y+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: White Castlesy (White Castles)
	<1993Jan18.180545.5092@memstvx1.memst.edu>
Distribution: world

Ahh, but White TOWERS were once quite common on the East Coast, so if
President Bill could find one open, he could buy a bagful to munch on
during cabinet meetings.  White Towers, of course, were similar enough
to White Castles that they were successfully sued by the latter chain in
the '30s.  This is probably what one reader said he saw in Baltimore;
there were probably a dozen in the area.

ObOldBadJoke:

1st Man: "I took my wife out to eat at the Porcelain Room last night."
2d Man: "Oh, yeah?"
1st Man: "Yeah, the White Tower."

That joke is at least 3x older than I am...


*******************************************************************
Jason Togyer, Civil Engineering, CMU (Carnegie Tech), Pittsburgh, Penn.
"It's broccoli, dear."
"I say it's spinach, and I say to hell with it!"
--'30s NEW YORKER cartoon caption by James Thurber
*******************************************************************
DISCLAIMER: I'm completely insane, and take no responsibility for my actions.
  For that matter, neither does any organization I'm involved in.
From: hovnania@iftccu.ca.boeing.com (Paul Hovnanian)
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 18:40:05 GMT
Subject: Re: Misc Traffic Rules
Organization: Boeing Commercial Airplane Group
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>Red means stop.
>Green means go.
>Yellow means... ACCELERATE!!!!!!!

And, of course, STOP means:
	Spin Tires On Pavement
From: kdq@quest.UUCP (Kevin D. Quitt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Stupid names
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 93 13:48:43 PST
Reply-To: srhqla!quest!kdq
Organization: Job quest  (805) 251-8210,  So Cal: (800) 400-8210

robinv@castle.ed.ac.uk (Robin Vickery) writes:
> ... that joke was
> definitely *NOT* in good taste.

    If that were a requirement, we'd *never* get anything funny posted
here.



 _
Kevin D. Quitt      96.37% of all statistics are made up.     srhqla!quest!kdq
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jrs@netcom.com (John Switzer)
Subject: Prime number joke wanted
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 17:45:10 GMT

I was thinking of the following joke, but couldn't remember all of the punch
lines - can anyone add some or post the entire joke? When I first saw it, there
were about 30 or 40 such explanations. Thanks!

A team of scientists from various disciplines get together to come up with 
the definitive rule for finding prime numbers. After weeks of work, they 
develop a formula that produces 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, . . . 

The engineer looks at this and sees that 9 is not a prime; "Hmmm, the design
has some problems," he says, "but this error is well within specifications."

The chemist dismisses the 9 as an "observational error."

The programmer says the 9 is the result of "a bug in the operating system."

Any more?
-- 
John Switzer             | 1/21/93 - Clinton fails to follow through on promise
                         | to have economic legislation ready the day after the
Compuserve: 74076,1250   | Inauguration. Programmers rejoice because he gives 
Internet: jrs@netcom.com | them an excuse to further slip their schedules.
From: maujs@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Mr J D Morris)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: An old joke
Date: 24 Jan 1993 17:25:34 -0000
Organization: Computing Services, University of Warwick, UK
NNTP-Posting-Host: clover.csv.warwick.ac.uk

In article <1jmsqdINNhjh@mercury.kingston.ac.uk> ee_d313@king.ac.uk (  Jide) writes:
>A certain doctor walked up to a patient's bed and...
>
PATIENT: Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

DOCTOR: I know, we had to amputate your hands.
From: mlsdb1sab@dct.ac.uk (Steven Byers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: waxwork clinton
Date: 21 Jan 93 09:19:22 GMT
Organization: Dundee Institute of Technology

I was watcing the news last night and they were showing you the new waxwork
model of bill clinton.



is it just me or does the expressin on it's face look like someone just
shoved a sausage up his bum


-- 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| Steven Byers                    | Life is like a Joss-stick..   |
| Dundee Institute of Technology  | It stinks and then it's over. |
|                                 |                               |
| MLSDB1SAB@DCT.AC.UK             |     -Grant Naylor-            |
|                                 |                               |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Treble@asc.slb.com (John Treble)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Need retirement jokes!
Followup-To: rec.humor
Date: 25 Jan 1993 14:51:10 GMT
Organization: ASC-Austin
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: asc438.asc.slb.com

In article <1993Jan22.124927.2062@gnv.ifas.ufl.edu>, wcf@gnv.ifas.ufl.edu
wrote:
> 
> A professor I work with is retiring next week and I tho't I'd come up with some
> retirement jokes. If you have any or know the whereabouts of the archive, please send 
> me the info ....Thanks...Chris 

When my step-father retired from his orthodontist practice, we got business
cards printed up for him.  They looked sort of like this:
-------------------------------------------
No Practice                 No Commitments |
No Appointments               No Deadlines |
No Payroll                      No Alibies |
        Arthur E. Carlsen, D.D.S.          |
            Orthodontist                   |
              Retired                      |
No Plans                    No Connections |
No Problems                   No Prospects |
No Responsibilities             No Nothing |
-------------------------------------------
He absolutely LOVED his new business cards and hands them out to all his
golf buddies!  They were a fun gift!

John Treble
treble@asc.slb.com "My humble, but accurate, opinion does not necessarily
reflect that of my employer. I get full credit for my insightful and witty
comments!"
From: Steve.Lake@brunel.ac.uk (Steve M Lake)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Uses for a ZX81
Date: 22 Jan 93 09:09:16 GMT
Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK

Hi, I'm looking for some new uses for a ZX81. I've got a few, but i'm
sure that you lot can come up with much better ones.

The ones that I have are :

A doorstop
A Bootscraper
A Frisbee
A Cheese board
A Computer........NOT

But I can't think of any more.
Thanks in advance.

-Steve "The Mad Hippo" Lake
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: chorley@vms.ocom.okstate.edu
Subject: Vice-Presidential Contraception
Organization: OSU College of Osteopathic Medicine
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 16:01:27 GMT

How does the vice presidential couple perform their family planning?:

They use the Al Gore rhythm method.

dnc ver9.9
Newsgroups: rec.humor