From: tjw@vms.cis.pitt.edu (TJ Wood)
Newsgroups: rec.nude
Subject: English 101: How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Summary: A review of the nude beach at Grand Lido, Negril, JA, West Indies
Date: 15 Sep 92 01:22:02 GMT
Reply-To: tjw+@pitt.edu
Organization: University of Pittsburgh


Tired of those "s u r v e y" postings?  Tired of all the crossposts from
"a l t . S E X" and "r e c . m o v i e s"?

Well here is how I spent my summer vacation at Grand Lido in Negril Jamaica.
My spouse and I picked Grand Lido after reading all of the reviews posted
here on the net.  We want to thank each and everyone of you who posted.  It
really helped us make a difficult choice.

We met a lot of interesting people at Grand Lido.  We heard a lot of stories
about Black's Beach and Wreck Beach too.  While we have gone in the buff
with our friends before, we had never gone "on our own" so to speak with
people we didn't know.

I've left out quite a bit to get this down to a reasonable size.  In
particular, I left out the "Grand Lido vs Hedonism II" text.  If there
is some interest, I can make a posting at a later date.

So here's a day-by-day description.  There are "rec.nude" topics
interspersed in this posting.  I hope you find it of interest.


Saturday:
--------

We fly from Pittsburgh to Baltimore.  We wait a couple of hours while the
folks at Air Jamaica "wake up" and man the ticket counter.  Slow is the name
of the game here!  I feel like I'm in Jamaica already! ;-)

When we land in Jamaica, we get our bags and go stand in line waiting to go
through customs.  Even though there are many, many customs inspectors, it
seems to me that all planes at Montego Bay must land at once.  The place is
simply overflowing with people;  and the people are from everywhere!  I can
see passports from all over the world -- Japan -- France -- UK!

The woman in front of us is in Jamaica for the first time.  She's having a
bit of a problem filling out the customs form because she doesn't know where
she is going to stay.  She figures that she'll find a hotel later.  OOPS!
That's a fatal mistake.  The female customs officer who scans her form
detains her saying, "We don' let NO people inta da country who don' know
where they're goin'!"  Whatever happened to "No Problem mon"?

The same clerk sees our form, stamps it a couple of times and sends us on
to the next station where we have to get in line again and wait.  Finally
they take our papers, look at us and wave us on.  They don't even bother to
open our bags.

We find the Superclubs station in the airport and register for the 1 1/2
hour trip to Grand Lido.  We are in a sea of other people going to various
Superclubs resorts.  We can drink all the Pepsi and Red Stripe beer on the
house while we wait.  They call the bus for Hedonism II and the place
empties out.  My spouse and I are the ONLY people left!  Finally the bus for
Grand Lido comes and we drive to the other side of the airport to pick up 2
other couples for the ride to Grand Lido.

The bus trip to Grand Lido is interesting.  Hair raising might be a better
word.  The road, which I've traveled several times before to trips to
Negril, is narrow.  But the driver easily drives more than 50 MPH on this
road.  We narrowly miss hitting several pedestrians.  Our driver tells us
that these pedestrians must be "stupid" for jumping out at our bus.

To be fair, though, we are passed by a number of other busses and cars.  We
are probably going slow by Jamaican standards!  Next time I think I'll book
a small plane from Montego Bay to Negril's airport.  I found out that it
costs $60 (US) each way to fly by small plane (Cesna).  It takes less than
15 minutes, too!

Once at G.L., we are met by the staff who give us champagne and a few forms
to fill out -- forms which help the staff schedule our ride back to the
airport and forms which show how we are paying for our stay.  We already
paid in advance with the travel agent, so my spouse just handed them a
voucher.

We get a quick tour of the facility while our bags are being delivered to
our room.  The young girl conducting the tour is so shy, I can barely make
out what she is saying.

We check out our room.  It looks exactly like the brochure.  King-size bed,
color cable TV, stereo cassette player.  The back door opens directly onto
the ocean.

But they haven't delivered our bags yet and we want to go swimming!  Hey,
"No Problem!"  We check out the nude beach!  It's just down from our room
(we are staying in room 1040, which is on the West side of the resort, just
like we asked for) and we have proper attire for the nude beach.

The beach is very nice.  It's about 1/3 the size of the "textile" beach but
it's hardly crowded.  Since we've never been to a "genuine" nude beach
before we aren't sure how people will react to new-comers.  Most people look
like they just want to be left alone.  Boy, were we wrong!  Within 5 minutes
a fellow approaches us and we have a in-the-water volleyball game going with
half the occupants of the beach.

In the course of meeting everyone, we find out that one of the couples
is from Pittsburgh -- we used to live next door to their business on
Center Avenue!  Jokingly, they scream and cover themselves saying that
it's one thing to be nude among strangers but what if we ever met on the
street back home?!!!

We also find out why women get the volleyball hit to them more often than
men.  They have to jump up out of the water. ;-)  As you can tell we were
playing the in the water volleyball at high tide.

For dinner we check out the "Timer House".  It has only the "room service"
menu.  We try the "tuna melts" and find them to be excellent.  Of course,
when you are staving you aren't too particular!  Apparently, nude water
volleyball has this effect on people! ;-)


Sunday:
-------

For breakfast we order one of room service's breakfast plates.  We spend
about 45 minutes eating breakfast outside on our patio.  Just another morning
in paradise.

At the beach, once again, we try out our Coppertone 30 "Sweatproof"
sunscreen.  This sunscreen is later proven to work the best of all we
brought with us.  We retain our "cotton tails" while using the Coppertone.

At the bar that is located on the nude beach, I ask if they have "Dragon
Stout" since they are quick to offer a "Red Stripe" Beer.  Unfortunately,
they don't have it.  But they said they'd be happy to get me a case and
stock it just for me if I wanted to buy some.  I don't need a whole case
of "Dragon Stout" (a fine molasses-based "beer", BTW) so I decline.

A number of couples are coming and checking out the nude beach.  Some seem
to stumble upon it and quickly exit, red faced.  Others decide to stick
around and check it out.  Most of these eventually "lose" their swimsuits.
The men are usually the bravest first.  Then then women follow.  First the
top goes, then a few hours later, the bottom.

(Although there were at least two exceptions where the woman was
"introducing" the man to the nude beach!  I guess it works both ways).

All in all, there are almost no gawkers.  (I only encountered one couple
during the entire stay that was taking pictures without asking.  When I
approached this couple, they quickly shifted to taking pictures of the palm
trees.  They were Japanese so maybe they'd never seen anything like this
before!)

One swimsuit clothed couple who stumbled upon the nude beach's bar
apparently didn't know that the resort *had* a nude beach.  While they are
ordering, I come and stand next them.  When they see me they exclaim "You're
NUDE!".  I inform them that "we're all nude".  With a quick glance, they
make their exit.

Dinner tonight is at "La Pasta", where we order Spaghetti and other pasta
dishes.  We get to choose from a wide variety of sauces or we can design our
own and the chef will make it just for us!  We try several of the wines.
The food is excellent.


Monday:
------

We get our masks and snorkels out of our bags.  Later, we find out that we
didn't need to bring our own -- Grand Lido has masks, fins and snorkels for
the asking.  But we prefer our own equipment.

Grand Lido is built on Bloody Bay.  We'd been to the bay back in 1986 when
we'd been looking for a less populated beach.  As far as sea life goes, it's
pretty much the same way I remembered it.  I chase a few small fish and a
few larger fish chase me.  An occasional jelly fish is seen and I steer
clear of them!  All-in-all, the sea life is quite abundant given that you
don't have to take a boat out to a reef.  (Of course, if we'd been
interested in doing so, Grand Lido does have a snorkeling boat trip out to
one of the local reefs).

This is the first time I've been snorkeling with just a mask and a snorkel.
It's a wonderful feeling.  Or at least it is right up until I spot the
jelly fish!  Then it makes me wonder if nude snorkeling is such a bright
idea.  I survive the encounter.

While I'm out snorkeling a boat "pulls up" near me.  I surface to find three
women and two men who are trying to coax me into the boat.  The men are
telling me they "have what I need" and the women are offering to braid my
shoulder length hair.  I have no idea how they expect me to pay them!  In
any case, when I decline they move on.

We make reservations at the "Cafe Lido" restaurant.  It's not as casual as
"La Pasta", but no jackets/ties/skirts are required.  The food is excellent.

Later, we join some of our friends from the nude beach and go to the disco.
Being an international folk dancer helps, as I've never seen some of the
Jamaican dance steps before -- i.e.: I make a fool out of myself as I try to
do the dances.  But we're on vacation, so we all make fools of ourselves and
have a great time.  We also work up quite a sweat.  This dancing is quite
a workout.

About a half hour later, we go on up to the Piano Bar to check out the action
there.  A laser Karoke machine (just a modified laser disk player) is being
used.  We stay here about 4 hours and demonstrate why Madonna has nothing
to worry about.  All the men join in on "Duke of Earl" but only know the
"Duke! Duke! Duke!" part.

Tuesday:
-------

Another great day at the beach.  The pattern is becoming clear as to what
to expect of the weather.  The mornings are beautiful.  Clear skies and
low humidity (for Jamaica anyway).  By 10 O'clock clouds are building.
Around noon it rains.  Sometimes it's a thunder storm.  Other times it's
just rain.  We enjoy sitting in the hot tub during a down pour. (No lighting).

Don't try to get anything from room service when it rains.  Everyone else
has that idea.  We go directly to a club house or a restaurant when it rains.
This means having to put some clothes on.  Room service will deliver anywhere,
but when it rains they are over worked!  It may take 45 minutes or more to
get room service when it rains.  Otherwise, it only takes about 10 minutes.

While walking over to the main building, my spouse and I get invited to join
a dance competition.  Hey, we're folk dancers and we're on vacation so
naturally, we say sure.  The young lady who's our "team leader" has chosen
the name "Wild Fire" for the name of our group.  I start to wonder what we
are in for when she announces that we can pick up our costumes tomorrow at
7 PM, just before the event.

At 4 PM there's a "sunset cruise" on the Zein.  The Zein is a yacht that was
given by Onassis to Princess Grace on her wedding day.  I ask the Captain
about the Zein and he tells me that Superclubs bought her for $50,000 just
a few years ago.  All of us are thinking:  "What a steal!  *I* could have
raised that type of cash".  The Captain quickly brings us back to Earth when
he tells us that Superclubs had to sink over $2 million into her to make her
sea worthy again -- and the engines need to be replaced soon.

We don't get to go by Rick's Cafe because it's raining in that direction.
The Captain takes us in the other direction and there's some sun.  The
ship stops at one point and the Captain comes out and announces that there
is to be a wedding.  The band plays and the Bride and Groom emerge.  We're
all witnesses.  H'orderves are served.

The sun makes a very brief appearance at the horizon and quickly sets.  It's
quite a sight to see (especially if you're from Pittsburgh ;-).

We join our new friends (the ones who happened to be from Pittsburgh) back at
the nude pool later for some conversation.  We order wine from room service
since the nude bar is closed.  We forget to cover up (were at the NUDE pool
after all) when the fellow from room service arrives.  It's clear that we've
given him a bit of a shock.  It's a good rule of thumb to cover up when
dealing with Jamaicans.  They're not used nudity.  The women who work the
nude bar seem to handle it OK, but the room service people definitely aren't
used to it!


Wednesday:
---------

Yet another day at the nude beach.  We're meeting people left and right now.
People seem to arrive either on Saturday or on Wednesday.  By now, we're
"old hands" at this Grand Lido place.  Many people have arrived because they
couldn't get into the Bahamas or Florida because of Hurricane Andrew.  They
wonder if there's anything to do.  "Naaa!", I say.  "Not a thing". ;-)

I then tell them that I'm on my way over to register for the 10 AM "nude
cruise" on Thursday.  This piques their interest.

We try the "Power Walk" with Tony, the aerobics instructor.  The man is a
slave driver, but it's fun.

We also check out the weight room.  Neither of us are into free weights, but
there's a lot of equipment and machines.  We both try the computerized
exercise bicycles.  The computer tells me that I've burned a whole 10
calories from my exhaustive uphill/downhill simulated bike ride.  This calls
for ice cream!

At 7 we head over to get our costumes for our dance group.  The costumes are
incredibly skimpy.  We head back to put our swimsuits on underneath.

We work on a dance routine.  In our group we have a few aerobics
instructors, a couple of folk dancers and mainly people who have never
danced before in their life.  The latter group is drinking quite heavily to
bolster their confidence.  Needless to say, we put together a fairly simple
dance routine.

One of the women in the group is really terrified of this performance. As
I talk to her, to try to calm her down, I find out that she's yet-another
newlywed (they are everywhere here).  She's a really nice young Jewish girl
who's worried her mother might find out this.  I try to get her to relax by
asking her what she done and what she's planning to do with the rest of her
vacation.  "Well", she exclaims, "I've registered for the nude cruise!".
So much for worrying about mama finding out about the dancing.

Our "Wild Fire" group is the best, of course.  We don't win the prize,
however, because the judging is fixed.  The Dance instructor from the disco
wins.  We all smell a cover-up. ;-)  Our group had the most fun in any case.
We did a "rumba" line all through the audience.


Thursday:
--------

Suddenly I'm a celebrity.  Everyone seems to have noticed me from the
performance the night before.  Gee, did I remember to wear my swimsuit
last night? ;-)

We get aboard the boat that takes us to the yacht for the "nude cruise".
I've taken a camera along, hoping to get a nice picture of my spouse and
myself.  But I've been careful to keep the camera covered.  I remember what
happens (according to rec.nude regulars) to people who take cameras to nude
events.  As I get on board and the boat goes back to make yet another trip
(this is a popular event), I see all sorts of cameras hanging from other
wise nude people's necks!!!  Nicons, Cannons, Kodak's (like my cheap
disposable camera), etc.  I didn't bring my AE-1 with the zoom lens because
I didn't want to freak anyone out!  Also I didn't want to risk it falling or
being thrown overboard!  Oh, well!

The last boat from shore arrives.  Almost everyone on the ship is now nude.
One horrified couple looks up from the boat and makes eye contact with me.
They say something to the driver of the boat and, after everyone else on
the boat has boarded the yacht, he takes them back to shore.  I think, "is
it my deodorant?" ;-)  It turns out that this couple didn't know that they
were supposed to register for the cruises.  They just saw everyone going out
and decided to tag along.  Of course, nobody checks about registrations.
They had no idea that this was a nude cruise!  I'm sure they got an eye-full!

We head out on our cruise.  It's a beautiful morning!  Not a cloud in the
sky.  You can see forever.  But the deck is HOT!  Yow!  I put my sandals on.
(So I guess I'm no REALLY nude after all).  The crew comes by and shows us
how to use the water hose to cool the deck down.

They also bring out the body paints.  I wondered what one might do on a nude
cruise.  The whole concept seemed rather silly, but we're on vacation, right?

The young woman from the night before is on board.  But she's too shy to get
out of her swimsuit.  So when a good looking young fellow starts body
painting all the women, she's feeling sort of left out.  She has a really
cute one piece suit on.  It has some openings at the breasts and the naval
as well as the sides.  So I suggest to her that she have some faces painted
there.  She considers the idea as I excuse myself to get something to drink.

The bar on board has just about anything one could desire.  I'm only
drinking Pepsi as getting smashed at sea seems to be an unwise thing to do.
(OK, call me square -- I'm hard pressed to swim when I'm sober!)

When I come back the young woman has her suit undone down to her navel and
the handsome young painter is putting a pair of large sail boats on her
breasts.  She's letting a number of people take pictures of the event.

Later, when we are out of earshot of the others, I complement her on getting
the courage to take her top down.  She informs me that SHE didn't take her
top down.  The handsome young man did.  If HE did it, it's OK.  If SHE did
it, she'd be in trouble if momma asked.  So she can say with a clear
conscious that SHE behaved.  Oh, well!  She's having fun.

Others are having hearts and moons and stars painted here and there.  One
fellow's wife paints a "smiley face" on her husband.  Guess what she used
for the nose.  Another young woman who declined to go nude has a giant pair
of lips painted on her back with the words "Kiss Me" painted by her husband.
She's somewhat surprised when all these nude men plant kisses on her.  "Hey",
I tell her, "he could have painted KICK ME! instead".  She's not amused and
asked me to rub the "ME" off of her back.  Oh, if only *I* had a paint brush!
;-)

Even the Captain is nude.  Well, sort of.  The Captain is wearing his
see-through hat and has no shirt on.  "For the Captain, this is nude", he
jokes.

A number of people ask to have their picture taken with me.  At first I'm
somewhat shy, but figure, what the heck, these people probably don't have
access to a scanner and USENET, so why not. ;-)  If it appears in Penhouse
or Playboy, I want a modeling fee!

When most everyone is painted, it's time to come back to port.  Most of us
head over to the nude beach to continue partying.  We've had a really great
time and we've gotten to know most everyone aboard.

A few fellows who didn't go nude had wives who did.  They were interested in
trying it, but were a bit shy.  From years of reading rec.nude, I knew what
was running though their minds.  What to do if an ELECTION was suddenly held
at the beach.  (Hey this is an election year after all).  One woman from
Vancover (and a regular at Wreck Beach) handled the situation quite well I
thought.  She assured the guys that it was unlikely that they would have an
"election".  Even if they did, she told them that it was only natural and
that she wouldn't be offended in the least.  This really seemed to break the
ice and they guys took off their suits.  There were no elections held that
day, much to George Bush's relief, I'm sure. :-)  ["Election" used as a
substitute to defeat all those kill-file entries out there].

While we worked on getting the body paint off of us, we were joined by my
young friend (who got her breasts painted) and her husband.  Neither elected
to remove their suits but seemed to be fascinated with being nude in theory.

To make a long story short, most everyone had been drinking like fish.  Even
I (who never drinks anything but beer) had been trying out a drink they call
a hummingbird.  (Great drink -- sort of like a strawberry milkshake).

So a couple of the guys decide they are going to "pants" my young friend's
husband.  They "attack" him and get his suit off.  He grabs towel after
towel, which they also grab.  Finally he runs into the water, laughing.
Next the guys yell, "Let's get Suzie!", meaning his wife.  "No! NO!", she
shrieks!  Most of us come to her aid saying "Look, fun's fun and all.  He's
a big guy and could fight you off if he wanted to, but she's just a little
girl.  Knock it off".  They think better of it and desist.

Now thinking that we've done our part for womyn's rights and all, Suzie
announces: "If you can catch me, you can take it off".  Oh brother! ;-)
Needless to say, they have her suit off in about 2 seconds.  So much for
standing up for feminism! ;-)

Later, we all retired to the hot tub as it started to rain.  Suzie's sail
boats and many of the other body paints rather refused to come off!
Apparently, you need soap to get them off!  People kept coming up to us
in the tub and saying "I see you've been on the nude cruise".

It was the start of a fun day.

We attended another marriage at 7 PM on the ship.  Two cruises in one day is
a bit much.  (Later that night we all noticed a rolling sensation hours after
we returned to land.  Strange!)

The Captain joked that he couldn't recognize us with our clothes on.

In the evening, my spouse and I got dressed up and met some of our friends
from the cruise for dinner at the French Restaurant.  (Sorry, I can't
remember the name -- it's the only French Restaurant there).  I thought that
dinner was very good.  I had the Crown of Ram.

I met a woman at Grand Lido who was from France and I spent some time
practicing my high-school French with her.  She tells me that the food at
the French Restaurant is "fake".  It's really geared toward the American
pallet.  Oh, well.  It's not surprising, really.  Nobody cooks like the
French!

Anyway, I had no complaints about this restaurant, but it seemed like a lot
of work to get dressed up in skirt/jacket just to eat.  I met a young doctor
who ate there every night.  Unfortunately, he had the same dish every night,
so he couldn't really tell me what was good!



Friday:
-------

It's hard to believe that the week has gone by so quickly.  I've really
gotten used to having breakfast delivered every morning and eating out by
the ocean.  It's going to be difficult to go back and have to remember to
carry money with me!  Also, it's going to be hard to remember to wear
"clothes" to go swimming!  It seems much more natural at this point NOT to
wear a swimming suit.  In fact, it seems down right ABSURD!  (The word
unnatural comes to mind when thinking about wearing clothes to go swimming).

We spend all day at the beach.  For the first time it does not rain for an
hour in the afternoon.  This really keeps the humidity rather high.

This evening, most of the restaurants are closed.  The Grand Lido is having the
Grand Buffet.  There is more food at the main dining hall than I think I've
ever seen.  I try to sample a little of each to no avail.  And then there's
dessert.  I am stuffed!

In the center of the buffet are several ice sculptures.  These were actually
carved -- just like the ones you seen in Minnesota at the winter festivals.
However, in the heat these are melting rapidly!  But they were something to
see!  After dinner there's a demonstration of Jamaican folk dancing and a
fellow who does a Panamanian type of folk dance called Tenickling (spelled
wrong I'm sure).  However, this fellow does it on his hands!  He's a far
better folk dancing than *I* am.  In fact, I suspect he's the best folk
dancer of all time!

This was followed by a wonderful singer.  He was doing Harry Bellefonte
tunes.  Unfortunately for him, it was humid and we were stuffed.  We weren't
a very good audience for his talents.

So a good number of us retire to the nude pool for an evening dip.  I've
never been in and out of clothes so often all in my life.  (Even in high
school! ;-) We've gotten so used to seeing each other in the buff that we
sometimes don't recognize each other when we have clothes on!  Seriously!
It's also hard to believe that everyone became so comfortable with being
nude with each other so quickly.  It's a great feeling -- not sexual in the
least.

Saturday:
--------

We have to leave by 9 AM to catch our flight.  We eat at the Breakfast buffet
this morning, rather than have room service, just to see what it's like.
The food is great but I miss having the ocean right at my feet.

We go back to say goodbye to all the friends we've made back at the nude
beach.  They are sad to see us in our clothes! ;-)  I give my Aloe Vera
lotion to one of our friends who has burned her breasts rather badly!  She
probably forgot to put sun screen on yesterday!  She laments that even her
nipples are burned!  YOW!

We have become somewhat tan on this trip.  The Coppertone 30 "Sweat Proof"
worked well but we used so much of it (being cowards) that we ran out of it
after the third day.  I never realized how much more sun screen you need
when you're nude -- all the time!

The other sunscreens must have washed off faster than the Coppertone.  While
we didn't get badly burned, we were somewhat sore and red.  Noxema cold
cream helped!

We had quite an adventure getting home, but since we kept our clothes on it
really doesn't fit into "rec.nude" ;-) maybe some other time I'll tell that
story.

So if you're still reading, here's the only BAD thing I've got to say about
my vacation at Grand Lido (other than it went by far too fast): The shower
head in the bathroom had a water restrictor in it.  It caused the shower to
have 2 temperatures:  Freeze and Fry!  It took us a long time to figure out
how to keep from being scalded!  One think I love is a long hot shower.
This "shower" here was more of a "drizzle".  I assume that fresh drinking 
water must be expensive in Jamaica!

But there you have it.  How I spent my summer vacation!

Terry
Newsgroups: rec.nude