From: kjc7435@ultb.isc.rit.edu (K.J. Cater )
Subject: HELP!!!Chronic Fear of Abandonment
Originator: kjc7435@ultb
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 17:57:54 GMT

This is my first post, but I am in dire need of help and advice
concerning a problem that has surfaced recently.  Please send all
replies via e-mail if possible to my address:
"kjc7435@ritvax.isc.rit.edu" .  Any replies will be gratefully
appreciated, regardless of sexual orientation.

To explain:
I am a 21 year old lesbian, comfortable with my preference, with a 
loving and supportive family.  I have been in two major relationships
with women, and it has come to my attention through the ending of the
last relationship (which lasted most of June 1992) that I have a chronic
fear of being abandoned by any woman who I love/feel close emotionally
to.  This fear is showing as intense panic and emotionalism whenever a
woman cannot give me a time. date, and place (exactly) where we are next
going to meet, and this is scaring women away from me. i feel that if I
do not deal with this problem now, it will continue to doom my future
relationships, and as I don't want that happening, I need advice.

I think these fears are deeply rooted in my first relationship. To make
a long story short, my ex (my first lesbian partner) and I lived
together in her parents home for one year (Jan.1990-91). her parents
were extremely homophobic; after various emotional blackmail and
threats, they kicked us out of the house due to our sexuality, and we
ended up living in a homeless shelter on the other side of town. She
stayed with me for a month, after which she moved back home.
To explain why she did that, she gave me two reasons: 1. I was being
overprotective of her and 2. she couldn't stand it anymore living in the
shelter.  There WERE some GOOD reasons I had been overprotective of her,
though.  The year before, my ex's mother had blackmailed my ex into
acting as if she hated me for two months, which killed me emotionally
until i found out the truth, from which day on i hated the mother and
saw her as a threat to my relationship with her daughter. SO IT'S
UNDERSTANDABLE that whenever my ex went home from the hostel to pick up
her mail, I'd get scared of losing her again. (Which did end up
happening...who's the guy who said "if you worry about something for too
long, it'll happen?")......

Of course, my ex leaving me in that shelter was devastating to me.
However, we saw each other during the day, EVERY DAY, for five months,
after which my parents forced me to come home to America. (i was in
England at the time).  However, we'd still end each day with her going
back home, and me going back to the shelter.  I eased my pain with the
knowledge that it was not going to be long until I saw her again.
This has made me into a woman who LIKES having a date, time, and place
to EVERYTHING, and actually maybe a bit of co-dependency is in there
too...

needless to say, my ex left me in January 1992 for a male ex-friend of
ours who is even sicker mentally than her parents were..that was
devastating too, but I'm over the grief of That, at least...

So, last month I met this wonderful young woman here in town, two yrs.
my senior, very attractive, feminine, and a lot more emotionally mature
and confident than my ex ever was!!  Things were going great until she
found out she had three jobs opening up for her and she decided to take
all of them, limiting our time together immensely.  The issue came to a
head the day she said "I'll be in touch soon re. our next date"...
I panicked big-time, burst out in tears, and pleaded with her to please
arrange something, anything.....
this SCARED HER AWAY. she wasn't used to seeing me get so emotional.  I
tried to explain to her that this was just a 'blast from the past," but
it was too late.  We are no longer seeing each other, and I feel like a
complete idiot. I mean, I've got a hell of a nerve being so possessive
of someone when in a few years, I'll be the one heading out the door to
make money (after college).  I just can't seem to grasp the idea of "one
relationship, two separate people with separate careers, jobs,
educational needs, independence needs"....now, this woman from last
month is back with her old girlfriend I feel even worse.
If ANYONE out there has had to deal with a chronic fear of abandonment
and has grown to deal with it, I'd appreciate knowing how you dealt with
it.  Please write soon, and thanks for listening!

Thanks,
Kerry Cater.
send e-mail to: "kjc7435@ritvax.isc.rit.edu".