From: atovorni@engr.UVic.CA (Andreas  Tovornik)
Subject: Re: 10-year-old ostracized at school
Reply-To: atovorni@engr.UVic.CA
Organization: University of Victoria, Victoria, BC, Canada
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 92 23:19:33 GMT

In article 1@stsci.edu, mryan@stsci.edu () writes:
>My 10-year-old son Eddie, who has always had trouble making friends, is now 
>being actively ostracized by the other 5th-graders.  For example, when he 
>sits down at a lunch table with other kids, they all get up and move to 
>another table.  No one is overtly picking a fight with him, but they are 
>excluding him from all activities at recess and lunchtime.

This kind of ostracism happened to me. We were poor and my mother couldn't
afford the Bell Bottom pants that were all the rage back then. Almost all
the kids had them. My father was a short hair fanatic and thought that
only girls should have long hair. All the boys in school at the time
had long hair. I was ten years old and we were new in town.

I was not popular at all. I was really unpopular because I did better
than anyone in school.The clique thing was running rampant. There 
were a few of us nonconformists and we sort of got together as the
out crowd. I think Eddie wants to be part of the in crowd. Your son 
might try to find other kids that are ostracised by the in crowd, and
that way he would have some friends. Since he is already ostracised,
there is a kind of safety in numbers.

>Eddie said that one boy in his class plays with him every day at his
>after school daycare, but shuns him at school.  I told him to ask this boy
>why.  The boy's answer was, that he doesn't talk to Eddie at school because
>if he did "then Danny won't like me."  Danny seems to be the popular kid,
>admired by all the other kids, and I know he has called Eddie a "wimp".
>I don't know how actively Danny is orchestrating the ostracism.

I seriously doubt that all the boys are ignoring your son. I was beat up,
pushed around, had my underwear yanked up from behind, was stuffed into
a garbage can by a mob of girls, but I still had friends in the unofficial
out crowd. 

>Eddie's personality seems to be the reason other kids don't like him.
>He is shy and feels wounded when somebody teases him, and withdraws.
>But this situation, since school started in September, is really bad
>and I don't know what to do.  I called his teacher yesterday and asked
>him to observe what is going on.  I asked Eddie if he wanted me to get
>him switched to a different class, but he said no.

Give him a bit of encouragement. I think he might be shy and wounded
because of the way the other kids treat him. I know that I felt that
way when I was humiliated. You didn't mention other facets of his 
personality. Is he shy and retreating in daycare? I doubt it if he
plays with another child. Is he shy and retreating at home or does he
participate in family activities? Are there other children in your
neighborhood that go to different schools that play with him?

Calling the teacher doesn't usually do a bit of good. The teacher
can't change the way the other children behave. Your son is a sensitive
boy like I was. If it's any consolation, most people think I turned
out alright.

>Advice from those who have been in a similar situation is appreciated.
>

Hope what I wrote can help you.

Andreas.



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