X-Prolog:     University Computing Services/Student Data Systems
X-Prolog:     University of South Florida
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.words-l
Date:         Wed, 26 Aug 1992 07:29:14 GMT
Comments:     Converted from OfficeVision to RFC822 by PUMP V2.2X
From:         "Don Moore (813) 974-4078 S/C 574-4078"
 <DBFABAK%CFRVM.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject:      Mark of Maturity

Good morning,

Warning ....this is one of my *serious* posts, call it my own personal form
of self-help, if you will, I have omitted many details, but the story does
have a message that may be of help to others.

Dawn is, and has known for several years, an adopted child.  The circumstances
of her birth and adoption are not pretty.  Dawn was born in Houston, her
father is somewhere in Germany, disappeared before birth, but her mother
lives right here in Tampa.  Dawn is legally adopted (I have read the papers)
and Joyce and her husband went thru all the procedures for adoption - 6 month
trial period, investigation of home, life values, life style, all of which
were required, at least at that time, to be sure that Dawn would be in
a good home with people to love her and able to raise her.  No problem there.
But, another family member wanted to adopt Dawn, and took care of her the
first few weeks of her life after the mother, *friend* of other person
could not, or would not, raise Dawn herself (I can understand some of that
person's bitterness).  Well Dawn, as a small infant, was kept by one of these
three people (mother, + two family members) for several weeks.  The mother
than asked Joyce if she would like to have Dawn.  After adoption, no more
contact between Joyce and mother (as per adoption papers) but ...much
between mother and other family member (under severe court admonition to
not reveal to Dawn any details of the adoption).  Well, much long seething
bitterness, much of which I was not aware of.  Now I have slowly been
trying to bring peace in this family, but I under-estimated the enormity
of the task, and I'm afraid it is not within my capability to bring any
lasting harmony between these two family members.  Anyway, a couple of
months ago, at big family reunion, I allowed this family member to let
Dawn spend some time with them (person and their family) as I thought it
would be OK.  They went fishing, had good time, BUT this person, in
defiance of court orders, took Dawn to see her mother (Dawn did not realize
what was happening until they stopped in front of house - they did not meet)
I knew none of this until last night.  Joyce has always been afraid of what
Dawn would think or do if she knew all the facts (which I have not detailed,
nor will I .. other to say they are not very pretty).  I have been telling
Joyce that I thought Dawn knew more than she realized (she did) and that
Dawn was old enough to be told the whole truth, regardless of the
consequences, just as long as it was the truth.  But Joyce would not do
this ...too afraid of what might happen, or that she might lose Dawn.  I
did not feel this way and still pushed (gently) for openess.  Well last
night other family member calls and talks, one at a time, to each of us.
This person is wanting to *borrow* a fairly good amount of money, and
ever so slightly hinting of "bad" things to happen and maybe we may not
know where "Dawn" goes sometime.  It was an extremely subtle form of
blackmail - if you don't "lend" me money, I am going to take Dawn to her
natural mother.  I got Joyce alone and told her the best thing she could
do is tell Dawn everything .....never pay a blackmailer ...you have done
nothing to be blackmailed about..still Joyce says no...not willing to take
the risk.  Now I'm coming to the subject "Mark of Maturity" ...it's Dawn's
maturity, not ours.  Dawn had obviously over-heard some of the details
of our conversation and asked to speak privately with her mother.  Dawn
told Joyce about going to mother's house, many of the details Joyce did
not realize she knew.  Joyce then told her the entire story.  Much crying
and hugging and love....we are winners on every count ...much stronger
family..the "dark secrets" are out in the opening, other family member
has absolutely no "ammunition" to use against Joyce, and Dawn took a
giant step toward becoming an adult.  Thank you for your patience..this
was for me.

                            Peace,
                                  Don
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