From: lynn@elan.Elan.COM (Lynn Gazis)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Our parents and spanking  Re: 20/20 and Spanking
Date: 9 Nov 92 20:03:57 GMT
Reply-To: lynn@elan (Lynn Gazis)
Organization: Elan Computer Group, Inc., Mountain View, CA

My parents spanked us occasionally, in a non-abusive manner (only bare
hand to clothed bottom, and not often or severely), and I plan not to 
spank, for several reasons:

1. Though I remember no particularly negative consequences of
being spanked (I didn't suffer any injuries, I didn't feel
especially angry at my parents, I wasn't an unusually rebellious
teenager, and my trust in my parents wasn't undermined), I also
don't remember it as being especially effective.  Since the other
methods of discipline which my parents used seemed to work as well,
and sometimes better, I plan to use those.

2. I was persuaded by various arguments which opponents of spanking
put forward that, in general, spanking is a less desirable method 
of discipline (more liable to abuse, more liable to cause problems
later in life, and so on).

3. I learned that some people actually do succeed in not spanking
at all.  I obviously can't be certain I would be one of them, since
I haven't had children yet, but I know now that it is possible, and
that reasonably normal people (not absolute saints) do this.

4. Meeting people as adults who had been abused as children soured
me on spanking.  I know that my experience was different from theirs.
But hearing their experience affected the gut feeling I have about
spanking.

We have three rabbits and a cat.  Now, I realize that three rabbits
and a cat are very different from children, and the methods which
work with them won't transfer to a child.  But I have learned, from
taking care of the rabbits and the cat, some things about my husband
and myself and the way we discipline.  At one point, we set out to
train the rabbits not to chew everything in sight.  In particular,
we wanted them not to chew power cords (we prefer out bunnies live).
Our pet book advised that rabbits could be deterred from chewing
by being flicked in the face with a finger.  We swallowed our
discomfort at the idea of hitting a little rabbit (after all, it
was for the rabbit's own good), and set out to train them.  There
may be someone for whom this method works, but it didn't go over
well for us.  Over and over, I snapped my finger into the face
of one particularly stubborn rabbit, and over and over, she
continued to go for the tasty cord.  Not only was this method
failing to work, but I was feeling terrible applying it.  

So we went back to the pet store and got some different advice.  We
bought a gate which could be put up to confine the rabbits to one
part of the apartment.  We used chili pepper and Bitter Apple to
flavor the things the rabbits were not to eat.  And we supervised
them and quickly put them back in the cage when they started getting
difficult.  Which worked better for us.  And in the process, I learned
a few lessons about pet discipline, some of which may also apply to
children:

1. Pets don't learn things right away.  So we have to choose a method
of discipline which we are comfortable applying umpteen times until
it works.  So, among the methods which could work, it's best to choose
the one which doesn't leave us feeling that we are being cruel to
animals.

2. We have to present a united front and be consistent.  (Sometimes
we fall into the trap of having me be the lenient one and Joel
the bad guy with the animals.)

3. We have to be aware of their limitations, and not try to teach
them something which is beyond their abilities.  Sometimes it is
better to just rearrange the environment.  

I can't guarantee that I will never spank a child.  But, feeling
as I now feel about spanking (and, even more, knowing my husband
and how he feels about spanking - feelings more strongly negative
than mine), I think that, difficult as it may be to teach ourselves
to refrain from spanking when we are most tested, it would be
even more difficult to teach ourselves to calmly use spanking
as a routine part of child-rearing.

Lynn Gazis-Sax
Newsgroups: misc.kids