From: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Dan Quayle and the Usenet Oracle
Keywords: Oracle, untrue
Date: 28 Sep 92 19:01:23 GMT
Reply-To: swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum)
Organization: Just Some Guy
Originator: swb@mickey.cc.utexas.edu


	This was a question I received from the Usenet Oracle (send a note
to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with the Subject: line "help" if you don't
know what I'm talking about), and as such, is ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED to contain
NO FACTS WHATSOEVER.  Nonetheless, I thought that folks here might appreciate
the answer I wrote in.

(Actually, I am paraphrasing the question as I deleted the original; the
 wording is approximate, but the gist remains in tact.)

> Dear Oracle, who must surely understand and uphold the famliest of values,
> Whatever happened to Spuds McKenzie?
>
> D. Quayle

And the Oracle spoke...

        Given the nature of the Supplicant in this question, the Oracle
feels it appropriate to call upon one of his greatest Priests, whose spirit
recently joined the Oracle in the Great Beyond.

(with apologies to T. Giesel)

There once was a dog who was named Spuds McKenzie,
When he was around, oh, was there a frenzy!
The things he could do, why, they would make you shout!
He'd ride on a skateboard!  He'd go fish for trout!
He'd play tennis!  And checkers!  And shuffleboard, too!
He even guest-starred in Ghostbusters Two!
Oh, there's nothing, but nothing, that Spuds could not do!

He starred in the ads for Bud Light, you remember,
That ran all through summer and into November,
His appeal was quite puzzling to many, you know,
And the Liberal Media said, "Oy!  He must go!"
The Cultural Elite would hiss and they'd boo,
They'd whine and they'd pout and they'd cry out, "Boo hoo!"
But there's nothing, no nothing, that Spuds could not do!

"It's cause and effect!" said the Elite in question,
"He appeals to our children, and that's our objection!
You can't have an animal, all cute and small,
Extolling the virtues of your alcohol!
It's wrong and it's evil!  It's nasty!  Poo poo!
He must be removed (said removal by YOU)!
For there's nothing, no nothing, that McKenzie should do!

The people at Anheuser Busch, they got scared,
For this was a thing for which they weren't prepared,
"We thought he was ugly.  We thought he was dumb.
We thought that his head was shaped more like a thumb.
We didn't want children to buy beer!  That's just funny!
They can't buy a beer!  Why, they have no money!
This Spuds was a novelty gag, pure and simple!"
Said the youngest of them, a blond man with a dimple.
"It's just entertainment!  It's just to sell brew!
From Washington state to Kalamazoo!"
And suddenly it looked like this Spuds would not do.

So they took him for walkies, and bought him some food,
And took him to live with J. Arthur McBrood,
A kindly old man with a nice grassy yard,
And Spuds' life is easy where it once had been hard.
But they took off the commercials, and the Media was happy,
Cause you know that those Liberals can get awfully sappy.
The Cultural Elite?  Well, the found something new,
And attacked it with vigor, as they're wont to do.
So that is my story.  I'm done now.  I'm through.
The Cultural Elite said, "That Spuds will not do!"

	For other Supplicants out there, it may be noted that this is
actually a reprint for Mr. Quayle, which may explain his strong feelings
on some of the above topics.

	You owe the Oracle getting a new job.
--
Steve Buffum           | "An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent."
swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu |  -- T. Giesel, but written BEFORE 1980.
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle