From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Thanks + Question re: Sharing between one-year-olds (LONG)
Date: 28 Jul 92 00:18:06 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California

In article <TIGGER.92Jul25112112@satyr.Sylvan.COM> tigger@satyr.Sylvan.COM (Grace Sylvan) writes:
>In the STEP parenting class I did, they also suggest interfering as
>little as possible. The children need to have a chance to work it out,
>first. ...
>
>I think interfering all the time (when they aren't physically
>*FIGHTING* or screaming for extended periods of time) does children a
>disservice in a few ways. 

This bothers me and I'll tell you why.  I was the younger cousin of a bully
who thought is was fun to do things like try to suffocate me with a pillow,
try to drown me in the swimming pool, glue fire crackers to my thumb and
light them, rape me when I was 9 and he was 12, etc., etc., etc.  Needless
to say we fought rather violently.  And the thing that sticks in my mind
is that not ONCE did any adult intervene.  I was told things like "ignore
him and he won't pick on you".  He would break my things, really hurt me
(once almost putting my eye out), etc.   And were left to "work things
out".

So, when I see Mitchell bully Erin, (he's never really violent with her,
but he does grab things out of her hands and she is too little to grab
them back), I step in.  Maybe I'm not doing the right thing.  And Erin 
is starting to show symptoms of "victim mentality" which I may be adding
to (and now hope to work on her with if ever she decides to communiate using
words), but I'll be damned if I want her feeling that whatever Mitchell (the 
honored MALE in the family) did was okay with us.  She knows that I don't 
condone Mitchell's grabbing things from her.  And she plays it up.  But I 
think it is better than having her think that no one is on her side.  

And the outcome is that mostly now whenever Mitchell wants to take something
from her (and it had better be HIS), he gives her another toy to replace it.
I'm not sure I'm doing this right (I'm feeling pretty iffy these days as a
parent), but I can't help but parent the child within me when I'm parenting
my daughter.  And, frankly, if just once someone had stood up on my side
against my cousin, I'd really have appreciated it.  (Of course, I do get some
consolation out of knowing he's now a complete failure as a human being and
that no one in the family trusts him - another cousin even fired him).

>I notice that when Kathy, Corwin (both 2.5-3 yrs old) and Kendra (15
>mo) are all together playing, sometimes toys get taken away from
>Kendra. If we give her a chance, she'll communicate *clearly* to the
>perpetrator if she's upset. Sometimes (if we still don't intervene!)
>the older one will give the toy back all on their own, after being
>yelled at. 

I'd be interested in seeing if this continues to work once Kendra is 2 and
is prone to screaming on a fairly constant basis (not that she will, but
Erin sure does - and it sort of makes people not take her screaming too
seriously).  How can Mitchell feel bad for making Erin cry when Erin cries
whenever she wants something, has to wear a diaper, can't put a triangle piece
in a round shape sorter hole, etc., etc., etc.  

2 YOs sure do have some wild mood swings, don't they?


-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake