From: doreen@svl.cdc.com (Doreen Matsuzaki)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps
Subject: Re: DOOL: TAN: Multiple Responses
Date: 20 Aug 92 16:41:11 GMT

rick@sadtler.com (Rick Morris) writes:

>I used to have a joke about a relationship before and after marrage.

Please don't take this personally, Rick, but I wasn't too amused by
that joke.  Maybe it's all this wedding stress I'm going through, and
constantly being quoted the divorce rates these days by thoughtless
people who don't know me very well.  After 5 years and living together
for 2, we are very secure that our marriage will survive.

>What happens is that the new partner (and I speak from a male perspective
>here.  I'm sure it works both ways) gets jealous of the life before
>her.  If the history didn't include her, she wants it OUTTA THERE.
>Marrage requires a commitment BY BOTH PARTNERS to
>   1)  Give up what was yours alone.
>   2)  Accept what was hers/his alone.

I can't believe that is true in most marriages.  It is very important
for both husband and wife to keep their separate identies as well as
form a new identity as a couple.  The two can smother each other with
too much togetherness.  I realize that Matt had a past before me, and
I don't expect him to forget it.  What he was before we met makes him
the man I love today.  The same goes for both ways.

>So, why do marrages fail so often today?  Men REQUIRE their women to accept
>them WITHOUT CHANGE.  "I ain't changing for NO CHICK, man!"  Men on the
>other hand require the woman to change.  Many women won't stand for it
>anymore.  I hope you, little shrub, demand respect from this guy you are
>marrying.  Don't let him get away with any of this male stuff like
>requiring you to have dinner on the table after you worked all day just
>like him.  Like not helping clean the house.  Like demanding his night
>out with the boys while you have to stay home and watch the kids.
>And that goes for the rest of you out there.  It changes after marrage.

Luckily, we both respect each other as individuals and both try to
help the other out with all things around the house, etc.  Unfortunately,
some relationships are much more one sided, and Rick, I agree that those
women (and men) shouldn't have to put up with it.  But, I do think that
the husband should have his "night out with the guys" just as well as
the wife should have her "girls night out" every once in a while.

>The grip gets real tight, and it's for the rest of your life.  Like
>The Quince says, that piece of paper really makes a difference.

I honestly do not believe that my relationship with Matt will change
(in two weeks) once those nuptuals take place -- except get better.
As long as two people keep up the communication, the humor, the mutual
respect, and the good loving...

>On the other hand, I'm coming up on anniversary #10.  I lived through
>the above senerio.  And survived.  And survived 2 infants.  And right
>now the marrage is better than ever.

Congrats to you and Tim's wife :-) Rick!!  In 10 years, I'm sure Matt
and I will still be "Shiny Happy People." :-)

Appologies if this sounds too much like it should be in soc.couples
or alt.romance or somewhere else.

-- Doreen

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"I took a picture that I'll have to send | Doreen Matsuzaki
People here are friendly and content     | Control Data Systems, Inc.
People here are colorful and bright      | Santa Clara, CA  (408) 496-4164
The flowers often bloom at night"        | doreen@svl.cdc.com  or
-- R.E.M                                 | doreen@duck.svl.cdc.com
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