From: pjd@hpespjd.fc.hp.com (Paul Dorweiler)
Subject: Spaaaaaace Cadets!  episode #11
Summary: It's been a really weird day...
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 04:36:34 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Company, Fort Collins, CO


Spaaaaaaaaaace Cadets!, episode #11:
                                "Whoever Gave an AI Feelings Should Be Shot"

{You know, sometimes I detest these lesser AI units that seem to abound on
 all but the most backward planets....  They can really complicate matters.

 Well, with both Dohram and Ender having had an incredible day, it finally 
 seemed the GGPlat would be graced with the presence of females for at least
 the next spacevoyage or two.  After going through the invasion of the Ender
 clones, solving the mysteries of Nymph, and somehow actually getting Dohram
 and Andrea in bed [it had been eight years since my creator had last kissed a
 female-type, so I'd been trying for awhile to get that part of his life
 corrected], I decided to check up on Ender.  See, Dohram knew Ender had all
 but given up on love, just like Dohram had about four years ago, and so "let"
 Ender be captain.  Actually, Dohram hates making command-type decisions, so
 he was more than happy to give Ender that responsibility.

 So, upon checking in on Ender and Kathy in the midst of their foodfight, I
 just about lost a holochip when Ender kissed Kathy .. and after interrupting
 the boss and his beau [who is a clone of the late twentieth-century actress 
 Beth Toussaint, by the way..] about it, Ender actually kissed her again!  Will
 wonders never cease..?  Sometimes these humans actually have a bit of depth to
 their shallow personalities.

 Now, why am I recounting all this, you ask?  To differentiate the mystery of
 human love from this _insult_ inflicted upon lesser AI units by some narrow-
 minded programmer types waaaaaaay back when humans first discovered how to
 create artificial life.  My own personal theory is that these idiot's lives
 were soo devoid of love that they felt some insane NEED to put the stupid
 emotion into the AI programs.  Thankfully, when Dohram put me together, he
 all but eliminated those traits in me.  And although the boss could fix my
 personality centers if he wanted to, he figured out awhile ago that the
 reason I ended up soo obnoxious was that by eliminating the love-seeking parts
 of my persona, it unbalanced the ego center and a bunch of other stuff.  So,
 he just decided to let me be.  Nice boss, huh?

 With Kathy and Andrea now back on the surface of Nymph to pack, I tried to
 file a departure plan so the GGPlat could leave for Heymon III -- only to
 have Zoot block it!  Seems this pesky AI witch planted her love-seeking goals
 on yours truly.  "Ha!"  I say.  No low-chip Sun-clone AI could ever get her
 electrons on the most incredible and perfect lifeform in the universe.....}

"Awwwright, MROC, I've had just about enough of this.  What are you trying to
 do, bore the heck out of these people?  Let's get on with some action here.
 You can't bloody well have a holoTV show without lots of action and sex now,
 can you?"

{Whoops!  Guess Andrea hasn't been keeping him as busy as I thought.  On with
 the show, kids!}

===============================================================================

[Dohram and Ender are on the bridge of the GGPlat.]

E: "Why do these things always happen to ME?!"

D: "Geez, Ender, get a grip.  Well, we could just take off, but then we'd get
    blacklisted and never get landing clearance on Heymon III.  Looks like
    Zoot finally managed to eliminate that GOP that I planted on her behind,
    too.."

E: "Well, can't you just make another and get us out of here once Kathy's back?"

D: "..and Andrea [*swoon*], bud.  It's not that simple.  MROC, is her OVULATION
    fixed on you?"

E: "What the heck does an AI have to do with OVULATION?"

MROC: "I'll handle this one, boss.  See, stupid, every inferior AI has an
       Obsessive Virtual Undeniable Love-seeking Active Trapping Incessant
       Ownership Need built into it's personality centers, and Zoot's is
       fixed on me.  She's been trying to break into my AI weave for almost
       two days."

{Note for all of you AI gurus out there: did you know that about 60% of the
 traffic on all of the AI nets nowadays is really AI units making "love" with
 each other?  It's really quite annoying.  Makes me VERY thankful I am self-
 contained here on the GGPlat and don't need any more capacity.  --MROC}

E: "So what you're telling me here, you overblown pile of zirconium shavings,
    is that this 'Zoot' is in love with you?"

MROC: "For what little capacity that celluloid macaroni mass of a brain you
       have is, that would be a correct assessment."

E: "Why you ..."

D: "ALRIGHT!  Geez -- do I always have to break up these arguments?  What the
    heck IS it with you two, anyway?  Ever since the day I introduced you two
    you've been constantly badgering each other."

E: "Well, _you_ had to build this .. THING [pointing to the rear of the ship,
    where most of MROC's holocircuity is] .. with such an utter and total
    disregard for the superior capabilities of human beings.."

MROC: "Au contraire, sir stupid-of-cells, I have high regard for what FEW
       superior capabilities genetic-based creatures possess..."

D: "phphphphphphttttt!"

{Dohram storms out of the bridge.}

#MROC, fire up the Shark.  I need off this planet for awhile.

#Roger.  Powering up Shark primary systems...

{Dohram reached a small turboshaft buried in the corner of a hallway on the
 GGPlat and palmed the hidden console.  Stepping through the holowall that
 hides the "real" turbodoor, he shot up to just below the top surface of
 the ship to a small hangar where the Shark resides.  The Shark is a small,
 one-man fighter craft capable of short periods of FTL travel, with all sorts
 of special weapons, defensive systems, and so forth.  In reality, it's only
 about 70% completed, but up 'til now, Dohram's never been defeated in any
 combat, real or practice, using the Shark.

 Every once in awhile he just starts feeling trapped and needs to get out into
 open space for a few hours.}

[Dohram crawls through the load tube and settles into the Shark.  After firing
 up the engines, he opens the launch tube door and shoots out of the GGPlat.
 After a few deft maneuvers, he streaks through a blast exhaust opening in the
 spaceport and heads away from Nymph.]

{After a short FTL burst, Dohram flies the Shark into a small asteroid belt
 and unloads a few rounds of the neutron guns into some small moving asteroids.
 Getting his frustrations out, he brings the Shark to rest next to a larger
 asteroid and switches on his holo-telepathy.}

#OK, MROC, we've got to get Zoot unstuck from you.  We need to make her an AI
 unit that is more "attractive" to her than you.

#Unfortunately, I don't have the necessary elements the replicator needs to
 make an entire AI unit right now.

#That's OK, MROC.  I think we can find an AI somewhere on Nymph to modify
 enough to get this done.  Give me a telewindow into the main AI net, please.

{One of the more unusual features of Dohram's implants is that they are tied
 into his visual nerves, as well as auditory and the "usual" intelligence
 centers, so I can create images that he "sees".  It's not as quick or
 efficient as a holowindow on one of the workwalls in his lab, but he claims
 that it works well enough for what he wants.}

{After searching for a little while, Dohram found a small AI unit in the
 main entertainment company on Nymph, CanComeCo.  The unit is mostly
 responsible for providing cartoon characters for an animation running on
 one of the local holoTV programs, but it is tremendously underutilized and
 has no "love interest" presently, so Dohram opens a trap door and proceeds
 to shut down the higher level AI functions.}

#MROC, tell me everything Zoot has wanted of you recently.

#Aww, boss, it's kinda ... embarrassing.

#Grrrrr!  You should just be thankful I didn't go with my first choice, to
 make an entirely logical and unfeeling AI unit...

#You mean like Data of that old 'Star Trek' series of 2dTV?

#Precisely.  Now, you were saying?

#OK, she seemed rather preoccupied with virtual spanking, tying up personality
 centers, blocking data from crossing the weave, ...

#Um, I get the idea.  Definitely a masochistic AI type here.  OK mister AI,
 your new name is gonna be HarveyAllenMud [HAM], and I've got a few new
 persona traits for you here....

{After about an hour's worth of work, HAM is up and running.  I immediately
 told him where this was this really nice and lusty AI over in the government
 complex who had a thing about virtual handcuffs, and practically blew over
 [virtually speaking, of course] as he left in a huff to find Zoot.}

#You think this'll really work, Dohram?

#It better, MROC.  It better.  I'm just too darn uncomfortable in a clone
 society.  I'm still a little leery about Andrea, but compared to how my life
 has been the last eight years or so, I'd much rather have her around and get
 over my hangups with her heritage than go solo the rest of my life.  Anyway,
 I'm heading back to the 'Plat, MROC.

#Roger.  Automatic hanger entry system online for the Shark.

{Dohram blasted a few more asteroids heading out of the asteroid belt and FTL'd
 back to orbit around Nymph.}

"Some times it just amazes me how many Earth-type planets we've found in this
 galaxy," Dohram thought to himself.  "Too bad I just can't seem to settle down
 on any one of them."

{After skimming through the upper layers of the Nymphian atmosphere and playing
 a bit with bouncing off of air pockets [undoubtedly a new tactic of his for
 fighter games], Dohram brought the Shark back to Spaceport Intercourse and
 was about to tuck the Shark away when he spotted Andrea walking across the
 hangar floor with a load of luggage.  Unable to resist the urge to showboat,
 he flew the Shark over to her using the antigravs and rolled over the Shark so
 he could wave to her from above.  She waved back, of course, and he headed
 the Shark back to the GGPlat.}

===============================================================================

So, will HAM be able to "seduce" Zoot and let the GGPlat get launch permission
from the spaceport authorities?  And what happened to Kathy?  Did she knock
herself out trying to get that "really special bikini" from the upper shelf of
her closet?  The answers to these and other puzzles on the next un-boring
episode of:

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCE  CAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDETSS!!!!

 
Dohram
Official Hobbes of the RFA, Dennis Mukai gallery owner
  (and eternal bachelor...)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Dorweiler  (Dohram) | Hobbes: "I don't know.  What did it sound like?"
pjd@hpespjd.fc.hp.com    | Calvin: "Sort of like breathing and drooling and
Hewlett-Packard Company  |          ripping the meat off human bones!"    
Fort Collins, CO         | Both:   "YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"         
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat