HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: signs, signs, everywhere signs.
Date: 21 Jul 92 17:41:57 GMT
Organization: Punkadyne Industries(tm)

In article <AeOlEAi00awA81VUk0@andrew.cmu.edu> dg4q+@andrew.cmu.edu (David J. Gilles) writes:
>
>This one always makes me wonder, especially in the summertime
>
>
>-----------WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE----------
>
>
>
>           -->> Dave


Seen on a bridge around the Chesapeake:
 
            BRIDGE SUBJECT TO HIGH CROSS WINDS

Now, I have to ask myself, why was the wind mad enough to get stoned?
 
It's funnier if you are a bored teenager in a Maryland coastal town with
the entertainment value of sock lint.
 

                     +---------------------------+
                     |    This .sig has been     |
                     |    temporarily removed    |
                     |        for study.         |
                     +---------------------------+
(c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Transact Software
From: mrspoc!apple!mrspoc.transact.com!itkin@apple (Steven List)
Subject: Solution to Parents
Keywords: chuckle

[ I don't know where this came from.  My mother gave me a photocopy with
  no attribution.  But I liked it! ]

                                  Children!

                                Tired of Being
                                   Harassed
                                   By Your
                               Stupid Parents?

                                  ACT NOW!!

                             Move out, get a job
                            Pay your own bills...
                             While you still know
                                 Everything.
-- 
Steven List @ Transact Software, Inc.
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Date: Fri, 24 Jul 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jim@cs.sfu.ca (Jim Delgrande)
Subject: short, old-topical
Keywords: smirk

Heard this on CBC last week:

	Q:  What were Robert Maxwell's last words?

	A:  Roseglub
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From: ndd@bal1.mc.duke.edu (Ned Danieley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Market Penetration (original)
Keywords: original, smirk, sexual
Date: 29 Jul 92 08:30:05 GMT


In the Sunday, April 19, edition of Parade Magazine, it is reported that,
even though the Japanese use about 600 million condoms a year, they
only imported about $2200 worth. Talk about a lack of market penetration!


--
Ned Danieley, Basic Arrhythmia Laboratory, Duke University Medical Center
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Date: Fri, 24 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: subbarao@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (Kartik Subbarao)
Subject: Kids say the darndest of things
Keywords: original, true, computer, chuckle

I ride the train each week, and so I meet lots of interesting people. Last 
Sunday, I had the chance to sit next to this precocious 9-year old. The 
conversation soon settled in on the subject of video games. After a bit, he 
asked me, "What is the difference between 16-bit and 8-bit games?" 

I was just about to offer an explanation on bus bandwidth when I 
realized that the only type of bus he'd ever heard of was yellow and had 
flashing lights. So I took the challenge:

"Well, let's say you were a bus driver and had to get kids from the bus
stop to school. Would you rather take a bus that could hold 8 kids at a
time, or 16?"

"8 kids," he responded, to my wonder.

"Why?" I queried him.

"'Cause I like to drive."

So I said to myself -- okay, think up another example.

"Let's say there was this big pile of money in a room, and I gave you a 
minute to take as much of it as you wanted. Would you rather have a cart
that carries 16 pounds or a cart that only carries 8 pounds?"

His immediate response: "8 pounds".

Now, I was dumbfounded. His response to my immediate "Huh?!" was, 
"I don't like to have so much money." 

This really took me by surprise. Nevertheless, I plodded along with another
angle:

"Instead of money, let's say that were a pile of video games. Now which cart 
would you take? The cart that can hold 8-pounds, or the one that can hold 16?"

Guess what he told me. 

"8, because I wouldn't want to be spoiled."

After tearing my hair out and jumping up and down for the next 5 minutes, I
calmed down and realized that he was laughing up a storm. Here I was, being 
HAD by this kid half my age. He probably knew more about 16-bit video games
than I did.

Never underestimate the video game generation.

     -Kartik

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Date: Thu, 30 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: CARRDAVID@urvax.urich.edu (David B. Carr)
Subject: Awareness Awareness Week
Keywords: smirk

Credit for this goes to Kyle Miller, a humorist for the paper here on campus,
but I laughed so much when I read it that I thought the netters might
appreciate it too.

Background:

For the past few weeks, the University has held a series of awareness weeks. 
These events, coupled with some campus controversy surrounding the events of
black history month and womens history month prompted the idea for another
awareness week.

Awareness Awareness Week
Did you know:
  47 percent of all Americans are unaware.
  One out of every six unaware Americans are not even aware that they are
unaware.
  Every five seconds, another Ameican becomes aware.
  There are currently fifty awareness anonymous centers in the country.

  Don't let this horrible affliction destroy our great country!  Get involved.

The following is a schedule of events for Awareness Awareness Week:

Monday: Keynote speaker.  Topic: "Beware! Be aware."
Tuesday: "Wake up and smell the coffee", a multimedia presentation.
Wednesday: "Complete cluelessness - There's still no cure", a seminar conducted
  by the department of psychology.
Thursday: "I once was clueless", the true story of a recovered unawareaholic
Friday: An all-day awareness demonstration.  Each person that you do not notice
today represents 30 unaware people nationwide.
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Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 3:20:6 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: No known cures...
Organization: NRK Clinic for habitual NetNews abusers - Beltway Annex
From: wb8foz@scl.cwru.edu (David Lesher)
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

There's a rash of new computer viri sweeping the nation:

The Clinton virus causes your PC to suddenly spit out sax music late at
night.

The Gore virus complains about the music.

The Qualye virus is known to corrupt your dictionary files.

The Bush virus seems to have no effect at all on domestic PC's,
but is making headlines everywhere else.

The Perot anti-virus program promised to solve all the above,
but it now turns out to have been only a limited time demo version,
and has been withdrawn from the market. Potential buyers are furious,
and are busy looking for any alternative product.

[heard basic idea - details mine...]
-- 
A host is a host from coast to coast..wb8foz@skybridge.scl.cwru.edu
& no one will talk to a host that's close..........................
Unless the host (that isn't close).........................pob 1433
is busy, hung or dead....................................20915-1433
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From: gtephx!forda@enuucp.eas.asu.edu (Andrew Ford)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: political - light bulb jokes.
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 28 Jul 92 23:30:12 GMT



Q:  How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None, they sit around in the dark passing laws prohibitting 
    burned-out light bulbs.


Q:  How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None, what the heck do you think servants are for anyway?


Q:  How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.


Q:  How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  None, they all just quit and go home!


The above are original jokes by me with credit for the Democratic slam
going to:

>How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
>Answer: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
>and then they wonder why it's still so dark.  Meanwhile, a lot of people
>get hurt because they can't see.
>--Reid Kneeland reid@ttidca.tti.com
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Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 3:20:9 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Ken Olson goofed!
From: fad@think.com (Franklin Davis)
Keywords: topical, computer, smirk

Seen on the net:

dbrooks@osf.org (David Brooks) writes:
|> adamg@world.std.com (Adam M Gaffin) writes:
|> Ken Olsen announced today he is retiring effective Oct. 1.  Robert Palmer,
|> VP of manufacturing, will take over.
|> 
|> What's it all mean?  Olsen had said he'd stay at least until Digital had
|> turned around.  Has it, or is something else going on here?

KO resigned because he was expecting to be announced yesterday as RP's
running mate.  Unfortunately he was in meetings all morning and hadn't read
his email.


--Franklin
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Date: Sat, 25 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: cerrlss@techunix.technion.ac.il (Shahar Steiff)
Subject: closet
Keywords: chuckle, sexual


This lady calls the carpenter and complains that her closet shakes
every time the bus stops at the bus-stop next to her house. 
When the carpenter comes, the lady shows him to the closet, when suddenly
her husband arrives home. Opening the closet he notices a stranger
sitting inside it and asks him : "What the &%#$ are YOU doing here ???"
so the carpenter replies : "If I told you I was waiting for the bus,
would you believe me ?"

-- 
* Shahar Steiff  *  Computing and Process Control Engineer          *
* Dept. of Chemical Engineering, Technion IIT, Haifa, ISRAEL 32000  *
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Date: Thu, 23 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: George Bush's inadequacies
From: apearlma@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Andrew Pearlman)
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

Dan Quayle was on television, saying that Bill Clinton picked Al Gore to
'cover for his inadequacies'

Does this mean that George Bush thinks he doesn't have any faults?

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Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 12:20:14 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Ross Perot
From:  APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk


Ross Perot was accused of forcing his employees
to sign loyalty oaths.

Too bad he never had to sign one.


-  Jay Leno

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU  |
+========================+=====================================+
|    "I'm tired of hearing the politicians in Washington       |
|     lecture us about family values.  Our families have       |
|     values.  Our government doesn't."                        |
|                                         - Bill Clinton       |
+==============================================================+

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Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 4:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ggr@corowa.acci.com.au (Greg Rose)
Subject: new marketing buzzword
Keywords: chuckle, original


I have invented a marketing term for a marketing presentation given at
a technical conference:
    
    "virtual information"
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From: IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Bush's Recession
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Date: 25 Jul 92 08:30:03 GMT

Source: Jay Leno

All the presidential candidates agree that President Bush is responsible
for the recession -- which is unfair.  Come on, he wasn't even in the
country when it was going on.
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Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: wchaga@vela.acs.oakland.edu (William C. Haga)
Subject: Flies and Von Neumann
Keywords: smirk

A true story:

I was discussing brain teasers with Professor N (of the
Math Department) and Mr. Smith (a computer science student
and hacker) in my university office.  We had just discussed
the problem of the house fly that travels back and forth
between two bicycles that are approaching each other until
the fly can travel no more.  The hard way to figure out how
far the fly travels in total is to solve an infinite
series.  The easy way is to figure out how much time it
takes for the bikes to crash into each other, then multiply
that by the speed the fly had been traveling.

After that discussion, I told the story of how a student
had approached John Von Neumann, the brilliant
mathematician and computer scientist, with this same
problem.  Von Neumann gave the correct answer almost
immediately.  The embarrassed student started to say how
most people don't realize that there is an easier solution
than to solve the infinite series, when Von Neumann
interrupted him to say, "What do you mean?  That is how I
solved it!"

Mr. Smith looked confused.  "Who is this Von Neumann guy?"
he asked.

Professor N, absolutely appalled that a computer science
student wouldn't know the legend of John Von Neumann,
exclaimed, "Who is Von Neumann!  Why, he's the person most
responsible for what you've been playing with these past
several years!"

Whereupon Mr. Smith's jaw dropped in amazement, as he
looked down at his crotch.
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Date: Fri, 31 Jul 92 4:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Olympics
From:  APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Keywords: topical, chuckle


Cuba used to have a great rowing team, but all the really
good rowers ended up on the US team.

       - Jay Leno

--
| Phil Corless

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From: risky.Convergent.COM!israel@unislc.slc.unisys.com (Paul Israel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Top Ten Reasons for P5 delays
Keywords: topical, original, computer, chuckle
Date: 28 Jul 92 07:20:09 GMT


   This is an original from me. Honest.


	Top Ten Reasons Why Intel Delayed Announcing the P5

	10. Ad managers wanted time to think up a better name
	    for "MESI" cache coherency.

	 9. Hoped to outfox AMD this time by waiting for them to
	    release their 'P5' first.

	 8. Still trying to figure out how to mount a 3 foot high
	    cooling tower on a 2" square package.

	 7. Marketing's prediction that all of IBM's top executives
	    would be killed by space aliens, followed by IBM engineering's
	    insistence on a return to an Intel strategy, did not appear
	    to pan out.

	 6. Sales force needs to be retrained to sell a processor
	    that doesn't end in "86".

	 5. Can never seem to squeeze in enough byte enables.

	 4. Military insisted at the last minute on 8080 compatability
	    mode.

	 3. New "Break on stupid code" exception not popular with
	    programmers.

	 2. All those millions of dollars in processor R&D were
	    cutting into the CEO's Christmas bonus.

	 1. Needed to hire more lawyers first.

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From: kwm4958@cs.rit.edu (Kevin W McAuley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: these are all mine...
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 26 Jul 92 08:30:04 GMT




	* do you think people in wheelchairs complain if you leave
	  the seat up?


					---chevyn


	* i don't really care if the cows do come home just as 
	  long as they don't rent the room above me.

					---chevyn


	* do you think eddie murphy's first words were
	  mumafufa? ... just curious.

					---chevyn


	* what if sheep realized when you were pulling the wool over
	 their eyes?

					---chevyn


	* if i knew then, what i know now, i could of screwed up 
	  better.

					--- chevyn
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Date: Wed, 29 Jul 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Clinton at Tandem
From: mdw@sequent.com (Mark Whiteside)
Keywords: topical, computer, smirk, original


I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun
or HP which would have brought larger crowds.

He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they
were a "fault tolerant" company.

Just a little republican humor.:-)
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Date: Tue, 28 Jul 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: stephen@tira.uchicago.edu (Stephen P Spackman)
Subject: Apples and Swine (original)
Keywords: chuckle

Once you posted a joke that ran something like this:

    Once there was a farmer who was feeding apples to his pigs. An
    efficiency expert happened by and, seeing what the farmer was
    doing, said, "Old man! Why are you holding the pigs up to the
    trees and letting them eat your apples there? Would it not take
    much less time to simply shake the tree and let the pigs eat where
    the apples fall?"

    The farmer thought for a moment, and then answered him, saying,
    "What do pigs know of time?"

Now it happened that a Zen master was feeding apples to his pig. A
student happened along and, seeing what the master was doing, said,
"Master! Why are you holding the pig up to the tree and letting it eat
the apples there? Would it not take much less time to simply shake the
tree and let the pig eat where the apples fall? For surely your time
is more valuable than the pig's!"

The master thought for a moment and said, in humble tones, "Master!
You are right. I will sit at your feet while *you* hold the pig."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
       First potion heavily rewritten. Second portion original.
		copyright (c) 1992 stephen p spackman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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