From: dave@bradley.bradley.edu (David Vessell)
Subject: Re: Won't have Sex with a Fat Guy
Organization: Bradley University
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 22:34:31 GMT

sharon@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Sharon Curtis) writes:
>In article <1992Oct13.161621.6126@bnr.ca> P.8188 writes:
>>A girlfriend of mine has been married for several years (16).  She is
>>in very good shape and her husband has put on several layers of fat 
>>on his frame.  
>>She is totally turned off by his naked appearance to a point where 
>>she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.  She has hinted around
>>a bit in an indirect way but nothing seems to matter what she says 
>>to him.
>>Lately, she came out and told him if he didn't lose weight, she wouldn't
>>have sex with him anymore.  He was very upset (to say the least) and is
>>showing signs of depression.  Now, she has come to me for advice.  
>>I think she has handled this all wrong! 
>
>I find that a bit sad when people don't find love is enough to turn
>them on. A find it a bit hard to believe that she loves him and isn't
>turned on by him (but then what do I know? I haven't been married 16
>years, although I have had experience with fat people). I could 
>understand however if she felt uncomfortable being squashed by him or
>something.

I find it hard to believe that people find it perfectly reasonable to
screen out people for potential relationships by physical appearance, but
if someone reacts unfavourably to a person's physical appearance over time
then that person is evil and callous.

I'm not saying that appearance is everything, or even primary, but
a profound change in appearance over time can be reflective of a
fundamental shift in self-attitude on the part of the person, and if you
don't think this shift affect those around him, you're deluding yourself.
It's naive to assert that love will make everything all right.

>I think what she should do depends on several things:
>
>* What is her husband's attitude towards his weight `problem'?
>* Does he think he is fat? 
>* Does he want to slim? 
>* Why has he put on weight in the first places?
>* Is he willing to let her help him lose weight?
>* Are there other problems in the relationship that are either
>  causing this situation or are related to it?

Good questions, I agree.  If gender
roles were reversed and I were in her position, these are the questions I
would ask.  What if the problem were something other than weight?  What if
it were a case of personal hygiene, for instance?  If he says no to all or 
most or a good portion of the questions, I would not blame her for taking 
more drastic action.  My guess is that eventually she would be so turned 
off by his appearance that she would end up cheating on him.


>Certainly she should try to reassure him of her love, and try
>and be affectionate in other ways. Being criticised of fatness
>is not a nice experience, and I'm not surprised he's depressed!
>If he's willing to be helped to lose weight, then fine - she 
>should give him all the reassurance and encouragement she can;
>if he doesn't want to lose weight or feels he can't, then I'm
>not sure what she should do, but criticising won't help.

Criticism is a first warning, and of course it should be done tactfully.  
I agree that ideally she should see past the fat, but if you're not turned
on, you're not turned on.  Why should she stay miserable?  I'm assuming
that he wasn't fat when they were married or this wouldn't be a problem.
But if he doesn't care about his appearance enough to make some fundamental
changes, why should she put up with it?  Suppose your wife (or husband) 
decided to stop brushing her teeth a few years after you were married, to 
the point where her breath truly disgusted you.  How would you respond?

-- 
=========*davE*.....making the world safe for intelligent dance music.=========
     Your shame is neverending. Just one psychological drama after another.
--------------------------{dave@bradley.bradley.edu}---------------------------