From: anon-1531@twwells.com (Stella Rico)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: nightmares
Date: 4 Jan 93 01:29:00 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

>How can I stop myself having recurring nightmares?

  I don't know any permanent way except getting completely rid of the fears 
that cause them.  At least it is that way for me.  I have them, wake up, and 
can't go back to sleep because I fear having another, but while I am lying 
there awake I am plagued with black feelings and fear.  The one thing that 
helps me then is to meditate on some simple idea, like the first step of 12 
step programs.  "In this moment I do not have to control anything, not even 
myself."  I concentrate on stopping the fight in my brain for control.  I stop 
fighting my fear and focus on something positive.  I call out to my higher 
power to take away my fear and my wilful nature to control things I can't.  
Sometimes it takes hours to calm down, but it does work eventually.

  As far as permanent removal of the nightmares, for me it meant facing the 
deep and awful terrors that cause them.  For me that is fear of abandonment, 
and the fear that life is random and unpredictable and good people can turn 
into bad people with no notice and hurt me.  When I start having bad dreams 
that means something in my life has frightened me and I think I am going to be 
hurt again.  I have to think about it and know what exactly it was that scared 
me, and do I really need to be afraid of it or not.  If it is really bad, I 
need to get out of that situation, and if it is OK but I'm scared anyway, I 
need to be gentle with myself and tell my scared child that I will take care 
of her and she won't really get hurt by this.

>One more thing, please. I do not want to intrude. What do people do in
>their lives?...Is it wrong that I just go to work, go to university
>and stay at home and read or just think? This is what I've always
>done, but people don't think I should.
 
  Well, if you are truly happy with what you do, then it doesn't matter what 
everyone else does.  I like to be with people that I trust, and I like to be 
alone sometimes.  I don't like crowds and lots of strangers, but being with 
close friends who know me and care about me feels very good.  Being with my 
boyfriend feels very good.  I do what feels good and safe to me and let it 
rest at that.

  If you feel that you would like to 'do more' you could join a hobby or 
special interest group.  People there would interact with you but not be too 
personal if you don't invite them to be.  You could join a literary, cultural, 
craft, or other kind of group, or a community chorus.  Or for moral support 
you could join a self-help group.  But above all, let your inner self decide 
what feels right for you.  And if you truly are happiest alone, or with one or 
two people you like, then don't force yourself to do things with others.  But 
keep in mind that you can bebefit from _some_ interaction with other humans, 
and a little bit of risk is worth the rewards of good friendship.

  Hope you find what makes _YOU_ feel the best.

  Stella



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