From: edc@evolution.bchs.uh.edu (edward s. chen)
Subject: QL: A Parody
Organization: Little to none, or maybe not......
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 17:28:42 GMT

Be forewarned: a parody follows.   This parody contains spoilers, many of
which are relevant to the current episode of 'Quantum Leap'.   Suffice to
say, I found "Deliver us From Evil" to be a dreadful bore.  The only episode
which I would put among QL's best from this season is "Nowhere to Run".

Apologies to everyone who has already seen this on r.a.tv.   I already posted
it there, and forgot about r.a.sf.tv.



"Deliver Us From Deliver us from evil"
February 29, 1980

A Quantum Leap Parody

*snazzy leap in effect*

Sam is driving a forklift on what appears to be a horse ranch.
He almost crashes into a mare and her foal, but stops just in time.
Sam looks into mirror and says "Oh Boy!  I'm Gary Ewing!"

*appropriately dramatic music as screen fades to black*

Dr. Sam Beckett, all around good guy got goofy one day, leaped into the
Quantum Leap accelerator -- and vanished.   He awoke to find himself in
the past, facing mirror images that were not his own.  However, the producers
keep changing the rules, so we're not sure exactly how this thing works.
Besides, we're not going to write a technical manual like those 'Star Trek'
weenies.   <off screen --  *bam* *pow* "Ziggy, get back to the opening so we
can start the episode">  So, Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to
life, putting right what once went wrong, and hoping the next leap -- will be 
the leap home.

<enter into jazzy Dallas type music.  No one is quite sure why, but Southfork
ranch is suddenly inserted into the opening credits>

J.R. Ewing:  Gary!  Gary!  Are you allright?  Who told you you could drive
             a forklift?  You can't die, you have to go to California and
             live in a boring suburb, and have all sorts of melodramatic 
             things happen to you.

Sam:  Yes, J.R.  I'm fine.  I'll join you inside in a few minutes.

[Image Chamber Door opens]

Al: Sam, we've entered yet another plot complication.   Ziggy is seriously
    confused.  You appear to be a television character from the 1980's
    Soap Opera "Dallas".  

Sam [whispering]:  How can I be a television character?

Al: That's the least of our problems, Sam.   Ziggy is now showing strange
    things happening throughout the history of television. <squeal, skwawk>
    None of this makes any sense.   I'll get back to you, Sam.

J.R.:  Come on, Gary.  Mama is waiting for us back at home.   Besides, that
    I've gotta fill in for Daddy fighting the attack from those bastards in 
    the Cartel.

[fade to commercial]
[return from commercial to Southfork.  Miss Ellie is talking to a strangely
dressed woman.  All we overhear is the tail end of the conversation]

SDW: ...and he wouldn't let me change clothes!   Can you believe I'm
     stuck in the same clothes as from your last mission on that dopey 
     witch show?   Oops, they're back.   Gotta go, before anyone suspects
     anything.

[J.R. and Sam drive up.  We hear the tail end of J.R.'s conversation]

J.R.: What made you think the forklift would work on the horses anyway?
      Hi Mama.  Gary almost killed one of Sue Ellen's horses over on the
      ranch while helping Ray.   We have to get that boy off this show.

Miss Ellie: Are you all right, Gary?   It's been so much trouble, since Jock
     has been on that fishing trip and all.

Sam:  Just fine, Mama.

[scene changes, family inside eating Dinner]

Sue Ellen:  J.R., are you allright today?

J.R.:  Damn you, Sue Ellen.  I hate you.   Why don't you just start drinking
     again, so we can send you to the sanitarium!

Miss Ellie: Now, now, please don't fight while we're eating supper!

[Al reappears, Sam excuses himself to talk to Al privately]

Al:  Geez!  I used to love this show.  That J.R. guy, and all the women
     he used to have.   Until that babe who went to Star Trek shot him.

Sam: Babe who went to Star Trek?  No woman went from Dallas to Star Trek...

Al:  Sam!  Quick, they need you upstairs!  J.R. and Sue Ellen are going
     upstairs!  In the original history, they weren't supposed to have
     sex for another *squawk* two seasons!   Quickly, you need to break
     them up before the entire time-space-video continuum is ruined.

Sam: Excuse me, Mama.   I need to get something upstairs!

Miss Ellie:  O.K. Gary.  Don't be too long.  Maria, can we have some more
     potatoes for when everyone sits down again.

[commercial]
[return from commercial, scene upstairs in Southfork bedroom
 Sam is desperately beating on the door of J.R.'s bedroom]

Sam:  J.R.!  Baseball!  The Cowboys are on.  We can't let the Cartel
  win.  Westar is attacking Ewing oil.  Hurry!

J.R.: What?  huh?  Baseball?  The Cowboys?  Get off of me, woman!
  Go have a drink or something.   I've got an oil company to save.

[J.R. opens the door, and leaves the bedroom.  A half-naked Sue Ellen glares
 at Sam.  Al reappears behind Sam]

Al: I know that was hard, Sam.  But, everything's temporarily allright.  J.R.
 is on his way out to do 3 Cowboy cheerleaders, and a waitress.  You know,
 my tenth wife was a Cowboy cheerleader...

Sam: Right, Al.   I'm going to finish dinner.

[cut to downstairs at the table]

Miss Ellie:  J.R.?  Where are you going?

J.R.:  Out -- be back later, Mama.

[Sue Ellen stumbles out behind J.R., with a drink in her hand]

Miss Ellie:  Oh well, Maria -- you can leave.  I'll handle everything
 from here.

Maria: Si, ma'am.

Sam:  Mama, pass the potatoes.

Miss Ellie: Sure, Gary,  these are really special potatoes.

[as Sam and "Miss Ellie" touch hands passing the potatoes, we hear a strange
 noise, and see "Miss Ellie" changing into a much younger woman]

Sam: Who are you?

Young Woman:  Nope, I haven't had a mission to the BBC -- yet!

[commercial]
[return from commercial]

Young Woman: So, I got thrown into the accelerator by some unknown force.
 I really don't remember very much of how or why it happened.

Sam:  You mean your memory was swiss-cheesed?

Young Woman:  Not really, it's just that the writers have chosen not to give
 me too much background, so we can expound upon it in a future episode.

Sam: Oh.

Young Woman: My name is Alia, and yours is?

Sam:  Sam...Dr. Sam Beckett.

Alia:  Well, Sam.  Since you just spoiled the sex scene necessary in the 
 "new look" Quantum Leap, we have to have sex. Here. Now!

Sam:  I can't...not with you...everyone else sees us as mother and son.

Alia: Forget that, Sam.  We know we aren't.

[Obligatory sex scene begins.   Plenty of gratuitous shots of Scott Bakula's
 bare chest, and Alia wearing only a slip]

[Jock enters.   Alia scratches her own neck]

Jock:  Ellie!  Gary!  Did he hurt you?

Alia:  Jock!  Gary...tried to rape me! (sobbing)  Please, go get the Doctor.
 We have to put Gary away!

[Jock leaves, running in his fishing gear]
[We see alternate special effect]
[We see familar special effect]

Al and Strangely Dressed Woman: Who's that?  and Why are you nearly undressed?

Al: You Sly Dog!  But...that's not Miss Ellie.

Alia:  This is another time traveler.

Al:  Another time traveler?  That could explain a few things.  Ho boy!

SDW:  Kill him!  Silverman has scanned the premises, and found 8 weapons
 of .38 caliber or larger.  The closest is behind the television.

Al: Sam!  get out of here.

Alia:  But, Zoey...I thought we'd advanced past that...I thought I wouldn't
 need to kill anymore.   I thought I'd done enough damage.  Maybe Silverman
 is wrong.

Zoey:  The computer is never wrong.  Kill him!  Do you want to return to the 
 hell we were in?

[Alia retrieves the gun, and points it at Sam before he has a chance to run]

Zoey: Gilligan.  The Skipper.  The Professor and Mary Ann.

[As the names roll off, Alia's eyes show less and less sanity]

Zoey: Tony Nelson, Dr. Kildaire, Kojak, Mr. Kotter, Mork!

Alia: AHHHHH!  Starts to squeeze the trigger, but something makes her resists.

Sam:  Don't do it.  You're not evil.  You don't run around ruining television
 series for the fun of it!  You can't.  I don't believe you, or whoever is
 leaping you through time would be so mean and vindictive.

[Alia Stops, but keeps the gun aimed straight at Sam.]

Al: That's it, you're getting to her, Sam.

Sam:  Besides, without me, you would cease to exist.   The name of the program
 is "Quantum Leap", and it is about me after all.

Alia: Wwwwhat about that, Zoey?

Zoey: No!  It may get you home!   Besides, haven't you ever heard of 
 spin-off's?  We're much more interesting then that phony duo.

Al:  It looks like you did it Sam!  Good thing Gooshie installed the cliche
 generator.   It's too bad the writers haven't finished writing her back
 story.  The only way the "talk them out of shooting you" plotline could have
 been any more hackneyed is if she had spilled her guts about the entire 
 backstory of herself as the "evil leaper" rather then shooting you.

[We see neat-o keen special effect stolen from "Ghost" as Alia is leaped out
 into some other television show]

[We see the normal leap effect as Sam leaps out]

[Sam appears, upside down, wearing a Bullwinkle night shirt]

Al:  Sam, it looks like you're into a normal person again, and Alia is gone.

Sam: No, Al.  She isn't.   I get the distinct feeling we'll meet again.
 Probably because I've seen the script from later this season.

[Sam leaps again]

[Sam looks down to see Wilma Flintstone walking toward him]

Wilma:  Fred?  Have you finished those Brotosaurus burgers yet?

Sam: Fred?  Fred Flintstone? Oh Boy.

<ESC>
-- 
..You either kiss the future or the past goodbye...
                          -- Ringo Starr (written by O'Deherty / Velez)