Newsgroups: soc.women

> to adoption or any other suggestion. I think she would have liked to keep
> her ex's name but then hers would have been different than mine. Which she
> still had problems with. Either way she seemed to blame me for this problem.

       Did you want her to take your name? Did you ask her to take it? 
On what basis does she blame you? 

> I think in many ways she would have preferred to remained single, but then
> she needed an adult partner. Also she felt guilty for forcing the kids father
> from the relationship, and I think felt obligated to filling this gap.
>
       It sounds like you both have a barrel of 'shoulds' and expectations.

 
> Our relationship today remains bitter/sweet. At times we have a wonderful
> family life. Early on she chastised me for not wanting any direct involvement
> on my part with her exhusbands family. This was very uncomfortable for me. 
> I did not object to my wifes or kids contact and tried to be encouraging, 
> but refused to participate myself in their family activities. She again is
> bitter with me for this situation. Also, early on she had total control
         
       That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. There is no reason why 
you should have to participate. 


> me with an attitude which I know by now means "you better accept this as
> stated or there will be trouble". And if I suggest alternatives or disagre
> then I am being unreasonable. She refuses to say no to most of what the kids
 
       You should not have to put up with that kind of attitude. You have
no inherent obligation to accept anything -- and she must realize that the
trouble may fall on HER. 

      I am reminded of a quote by Ettienne (someone) -- those people who 
claim to have power over us have only two arms, two legs, two eyes and
are the same as us. If they have power, it is because we give them
permission to have that power. 


> All in all we have built ourselves a nice comfortable life. The kids go to

      Yeah. It sounds really comfortable. ;-> 


> reasonable. But now she just totally excludes me because I wont jump in 
> with both feet to the kids activities like the coaches do. I said up
> front that I do not have that kind of time. I am able to participate on 
> the weekend and help by filling jobs needed during the games. I also am
> able to handle a practice now and then. She refuses to respect my  position
     
     You need to define your limits and set your boundaries. What she does
with it is her problem. I don't mean that to sound indifferent to her but
you can't live a life of constant sacrifice of your own boundaries and
expect to be happy. 

     In all honesty, I am reading that you want a somewhat traditional 
lifestyle (in the standard definition) and it doesn't sound like you
have a partner who is willing to budge an inch. (I realize that I am 
only hearing your side of it.) 

    She doesn't sound like the right woman for you. It sounds as though
she is not a full partner. You mention that she would have preferred to 
stay single, she doesn't want your input into the kids' upbringing, she
would have liked to keep her ex's name, she is still afraid of him and 
doesn't seem to be dealing with that issue and it also sounds as though
it has to be her way or no way. Frankly, it sounds like she needs to 
grow up a little bit. 

   If you want to salvage this relationship, I don't see for a minute how
you can do it without counseling. And perhaps you would be helped by 
an assertiveness course. (It sounds like your boundaries are being trampled
all over the place --and you are allowing it.) 

Gu6 heffni...


rks


                             "....what I was doing was encouraging women
                             to get a life, not necessarily a career. I think
                             a career is a poor substitute for a life...."
                                           
                                                  Germaine Greer


> 
> Do any of you wise folks out there have any comments/suggestions?
> 
> Ron
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