From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  6.M
Date: 16 Oct 92 05:24:36 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





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SEND YOUR CHILD TO MED SCHOOL AND SUPPORT
                        THE LAW PROFESSION

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I'm proud of how many kids I've put through college.....
We have my dentist's kids, and of course my lawyer's kids....

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Max Falstein describing the Australian Parliament:-

This must be the only asylum in the world where the inmates are in charge! 

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My neighborhood is so tough...

last week I was held up by a guy with a bitten-off shotgun.

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No doubt you've heard the Navy joke that there are only two kinds of ships:

Submarines and Targets.

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Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".  
Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.

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"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.'  I wanted to
 put a check mark about three inches away." 
		--Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90

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Tom Lehrer: "By the time Mozart was my age, he....
...had been dead for two years."

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My wife saw these in the current _Business and Finance_ so maybe they're
not that new. (USA readers substitute `Yugo' for `Lada')...

Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?

A.  The bus and train timetables.


Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?

A.  A bloody miracle.

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A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day.  As he strolls along the
sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.

"Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car.  Hop in and I'll give it to you."

"No.  I'm not going to."  The boy walks on.  Further down the road, the car
pulls over again.

"Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big
bottle of cola.  How about it ?"

"No way !  Now leave me alone !"  The boy walks on, quickening his pace.  The
car again pulls over beside him.

"Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see.  Get in and I'll take
you there.  You can have all the candy and the cola on the way.  What d'you
say to that ?"

The boy is getting agitated.  He stops walking, and leans down to the car
window.

"Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad, I'm NOT riding in your Lada !"

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A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing
my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lie's and deceit), a
man wrote the following letter to the IRS.

           "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
        cheated on my income tax.  I understated my taxable income,
        and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

            If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest".

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Ziggy's of Hudson, a restaurant 
on Lowell road, Hudson, NH,
has a large message board in front.  
The latest message had been:
 "temperature inside"
     "68 degrees"
--------------------
after the fire destroyed their kitchen early this week,
the message now reads: 
 "temperature inside"
     "860 degrees"

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	Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa,
	when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small,
	painted, evil-looking natives.

	Tom says, "We have nothing to fear. See me get us out
	of this one!"

	So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers - 
	obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls
	out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chief's
	undivided attention and "flicks" it on. 

	Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders
	and says, "Look at that! It lit the first time!!!"

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  
(Aesop)

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   One of my favorite stories comes from when I was the assitant manager at
a computer lab at school. I got a call from a secratary upstairs who said
that she couldn't get a file off a floppy disk which had an important
report on it. Well, I went upstairs to try to figure out what was wrong.
Sure enough the floppy was bad. I asked her a number of questions to try
to figure out what had happened. After a bit I found the source of the
problem. She had stapled the floppy to the report when she had handed it in!
I was very proud of myself that I didn't bust up laughing until I got out
of the room.

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Floating around at CRAY Reasearch:

        Minn.  (UPI) - Analysts for the  long-awaited,
    and  much-heralded  CRAY-7 SuperSuperSuperComputer
    met today in Minneapolis to discuss telecommunica-
    tion  issues  for  the  new  machine.  The CRAY-7,
    scheduled for delivery early next year, features a
    6.5  psec(picosecond)  cycle  time  on each of its
    4096 processors, which share a  64  Kbank  memory,
    each  bank to hold 256 Gigawords of 128 bits each.
    CRAY Research has announced that the  CRAY-7  will
    be  cooled by submerging the entire 2.4 cubic inch
    spherical mainframe in the ice-moon  Io,  off  the
    southern  coast of Saturn.  When operational under
    the MULTI-CUE(TM)  Operating  System,  the  CRAY-7
    will simultaneously support interactive access for
    every man woman and child on Earth with guaranteed
    response time of 14.5 msec(microsecond) or better,
    while running real work  on  its  4094  background
    processors.   Power for the new system will be ob-
    tained by running a drop cord from Io to well  in-
    side  the orbit of Mercury, where the intensity if
    the Solar flares can be converted to HyperElectri-
    city.  The Rings of Saturn will act as a secondary
    storage device (a.k.a.  Rotating Mass Storage) for
    the CRAY-7.

       It is reported that much of  the  CRAY-7  CPU-
    time will be devoted to the design of the CRAY-10.

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Al  :   Before we eat lets bless this food.
        Sam, would you like to say grace for us ?
Sam :   Sure thing Al.

        [ momentary pause ]

        Grace.

Al  :   Ahmen.

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How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses:

My solution:
	A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and
	a few copies of _The Watchtower_ scattered around...  

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>"Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 'Allah be 
>Praised!!!' and just see what happens."

Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses.  For
extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car.
Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the
witness.  Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.

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The young couple came to my door.  I was wearing my robe, and had just
awakened.  now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person
anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have
hair all over everywhere.  I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past
them.  I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their
getup and their bland faces.

Well the female one obviously is supposed to do the introduction because
she sort of panicked, and said:

"We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...."

And then she staired helplessly at the other one and he said:

"uh... uh.... uh... uh..."

I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast
gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture
between peter lore and lurch, I said:

I...WILL...TAKE...YOUR...LITERATURE...AND...GIVE...IT...TO...MY...MASTER.

The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were
peddling.  they did not ask for a donation.

They ran.

it's a true story, and they never came back.

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A FOAF claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door,
her first response is to ask for their address.  When they ask why
she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to 
push her beliefs.  So far, none of them have given their address.
It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!

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JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts 
SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that.

SIW:  Thank you, but I already have a religion.

JW:   May I ask what it is?

SIW:  I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's
      legal in this country.

Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.

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A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about
God?"  She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?".  

I like it.

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A father and son were in deep discussion about the origin of mankind.

Son: "Our teacher says we are from gurilla's race."

Father (denyingly responds): "Well, you might be (from the gurillas' race). But I am  NOT."

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In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, 
it slices, it dices your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

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"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

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	[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
	You've reached the residence of John and Tom.  We can't
	come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
	refrigerator.  Please leave your name and number, and
	we'll get back to you.
	[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]

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	"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity."

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The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer.  It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices.  I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like, you can leave
   your name and telephone number...

2> ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!

1> Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
   hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
   get back.

2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

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They say I am wishy washy but I can't decide if they're right.

They say I am violent, but they won't be saying anything again.

They say I'm opinionated, but they're always wrong.

They say I'm tall but no one ever says it looking me in the eye.

They say I'm a dwarf but that is over my head.

They say I'm fat but I can't see the scale to tell.

They say I'm something, but I can't remember what.

They say I drive too fast, but no one has ever been able to give me a ticket.

They say I drive slow, but the truck in back keeps pushing me faster.

They say I'm a bad driver, but no one ever lived to tell otherwise.

They say my car gets bad mileage, but I can't leave the gas station long enough to find out.

Thay sa iumm e bat spaler bit thay donut no wet wurds eyed doon wrung.

They say I'm wealthy but I can't afford the time to find out.

They say I'm poor, but I can't afford a pencil to add it up with.

T.h.e.y.  s.a.y.  I.  r.e.a.d.  s.l.o.w., b.u.t. I  f.e.l.l.  a.s.l.e.e.p. b.e.f.o.r.e.  I.  f.i.n.i.s.h.e.d.  t.h.e.  r.e.p.o.r.t.

They say I don't tell the truth but I think they're all liars.

They say I'm dishonest but I never spent any money before I stole it.

They say I'm a poor businessman, but my investments just went broke before they had a chance to make a profit.

They say us politicians are overbearing, I think the little people better get back to work so they can pay their tax increases.

They say politicians take bribes, I say we need to see how serious our constituents are about our votes before we sell them.

They say us Doctors are hypocrites, but no Doctor will agree who still has a medical license.

They say us Lawyers are greedy,  and for a fee I'll take either side of the issue.

They say me ain't has none too good a grammar, but snobs is them all.

They say my propensity to elucidate the contextual significance and archetypical substructures of transient phenomena obfuscates the informational content of my communications.  You would not recognize any substantive basis for such a derogatory pronouncement would you?

They say I'm antisocial, no wonder I don't like anybody.

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[ First, a little explanation:  Switzerland is divided into so-called
Kantons which are similar to -- but of course much smaller than -- your
concept of states.  One such "state" is the state of Appenzell whose
inhabitants have a reputation of both being of a small build and being
fairly witty.]

A farmer from Texas visits a farmer in Appenzell.  The Appenzell farmer,
playing the amiable host, shows the Texan around.  Upon seing the farm
house, the Texan exclaims:  "Gee, my farm house is much bigger.  Even my
dog's hut is larger than your farm house."  Of course, things go on like
that for a while, until the Texan farmer boasts:  "In fact, it takes me
two days to drive around the perimeter of all of my possessings."  The
Appenzell farmer sucks pensively on his pipe [they always do that] and
replies:  "Yeah, I know.  I used to own a car like that myself!"