HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: dfan@pondsquid.mv.com (Dan Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Your Shampoo
Date: 7 Nov 91 17:54:17 GMT
Organization: Blue Sky Productions, Salem NH

Well, I know that you're pretty cute
>From the top of your head to your new cowboy boots
And your clothes are in season, but that's not the reason
That I'm in love with you
And I know you look pretty swell
But when I met you it was love at first smell
I'm in love with your hair and with your shampoo

  Yeah, you know my favorite hour
  Is when you step out of the shower
  And I can barely smell you through the steam
  When you lather rinse repeat
  It makes me feel my life's complete
  And I faint when you apply your facial cream

Well, I know that you're pretty smart
But that's not the reason that you stole my heart
I just took a sniff and after one whiff
There was nothing more that I could do
And I like the perfume you wear
But I'm taken more by the smell of your hair
You know that the reason I love you is your shampoo

  When I meet a girl who's a hairdresser
  I do my best to impress her
  But it kind of turns me off she charges fees
  When I meet a girl with good conditioner
  You know I'll proposition her
  As long as she's got hair down to her knees

Now I hear that you're cutting me loose
And you say it's because I don't use enough mousse
You weren't my kind, so I don't really mind
But there's one thing I want you to do
When you find yourself another guy
Leave me something to remember you by
Go on and leave me, leave me alone
Don't write any letters or call on the phone
As long as you leave me a bottle of your shampoo

--
Dan Schmidt / ...!samsung!pondsquid!dfan / 117 Rindge Ave. Cambridge MA 02140
                      Got me a coffin shiny and black
             I'm going to the funeral and I'm never coming back


From uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!samsung!pondsquid!dfan Sat Nov  9 14:17:00 CST 1991
Article: 93331 of talk.bizarre
From: dfan@pondsquid.mv.com (Dan Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Meaningless Sex
Date: 7 Nov 91 18:02:12 GMT
Organization: Blue Sky Productions, Salem NH

It's eleven on a Friday and the working week is done
Brian's looking for a good time, Susan's looking for some fun
Brian sits down on a barstool and he takes a look around
He is trying to find someone he has not already found
Susan walks in in a miniskirt and sits down in a chair
And he sees her sitting there and he tries hard not to stare

  And we want the things we can't have much more than the things we can
  Looking for a better body, looking for a better tan
  We all want a perfect woman, we all want a perfect man

Susan sees that Brian's watching her and she gives him a wink
Brian summons up his courage and he buys her her next drink
And they learn about each other and they like the things they find
And it isn't hard for them to tell what's on the other's mind
And he asks her back to his place and she says she doesn't know
And she says she doesn't know and she says she'd love to go

  By the time they're back at his place it's already half past twelve
  They both know what they're doing and they do it pretty well
  They're protected from disease but not protected from themselves

It's eleven in the morning and the weekend has begun
They're both faking sleep in order to avoid the other one
Brian has a massive headache and he wishes he were dead
Susan wonders what she's going to say when she gets out of bed
She looks over at his body and she wants to be in love
And she needs to be in love and she knows she's not in love

  And they both think of the last night and they both feel some regret
  But they've both had mornings like this and it hasn't stopped them yet
  And I hope they end up happy but I wouldn't want to bet

    They don't want what they got but they got it
    And they don't want anyone they know but they know each other now
    They don't want what they got but they got it
    And they don't want anyone they know but they know each other now

--
Dan Schmidt / ...!samsung!pondsquid!dfan / 117 Rindge Ave. Cambridge MA 02140
                      Got me a coffin shiny and black
             I'm going to the funeral and I'm never coming back


From uwm.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!yale.edu!yale!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Mon Mar 23 17:50:01 CST 1992
Article: 101246 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Thank You for the Letter
Date: 16 Mar 92 18:28:07 GMT
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized

Thank you for the letter, thank you for the note
Thank you for the message, I'm really glad you wrote
Well, the zip code had nine digits and no postage was due
The envelope was sealed with that envelope glue
You wrote very neatly like you always do
The only thing missing was an `I love you'

But thank you for the letter, thank you for the note
That you for the paper and the envelope
Well, you know I like that you're keeping me so up to date
On the life that you're living in another state
But I've got to let you know I don't appreciate
Being told that you've found yourself another mate

  I don't have a phone, and the telegraph's outdated
  So I'm glad you sent a letter to me considering that it was one I hated

Thank you for the letter, thank you for the note
You should have made it a package, you could have sent some rope
Well, I'd like to mail you my heart overnight by Federal Express
'Cause it's only thirteen dollars if it's four pounds or less
But I don't want to send a package way out west
Just to have it come back with an unknown address

  There are faster ways you could have sent your letter
  But even if you'd faxed it I don't think that I would like it any better

Thank you for the note
I'm really glad you sent it
I'm really glad you wrote
I'll have to write back promptly
Before I cut my throat

Dfan;
Appearing soon at a stadium near you.


From uwm.edu!wupost!darwin.sura.net!jvnc.net!yale.edu!yale!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Mon Mar 23 18:56:47 CST 1992
Article: 101590 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Schmidt)
Subject: Small Talk
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1992 23:09:45 GMT


What do you think of lilac?
What do you think of pink?
What do you think I smile at?
What do you think I think?

What do you think of spinach?
What do you think of chard?
You're someone I'd love to finish
When will you let me start?

  I'm having a wonderful time
  As we wait for each other to make up our minds
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity

Tell me about the prairie
Was growing up there hard?
I've got a bone to bury
Can I dig in your yard?

I really like your clothing
I really love your cloth
It makes you look so imposing
When can I take it off?

  I'm having a wonderful time
  With my heart in my larynx and your arm in mine
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity
  I'm so glad we had some time to chat
  To find out just where we are at
  I want what's underneath your hat
  You're so smart I marvel at your IQ
                   I think I like you
                   I want to mike you
  Let me mix you down

I saw your eyes get watery
That was a touching film
I've got a piece of pottery
Can I fire it in your kiln?

Sorry I spilled that on you
I can be such a klutz
I hope that you know I want you
I hope you don't know how much

  I'm having a wonderful time
  As we look at each other and wait for a sign
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity
  I'm so glad we had this opportunity
  I had such a wonderful time


From uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!think.com!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Tue May 12 21:02:34 CDT 1992
Article: 106644 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Schmidt)
Subject: Long distance relationship
Summary: three chords, what more do you need?
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized
Date: Fri, 8 May 1992 18:46:33 GMT

Long distance relationship
What am I going to do?
I'm in desolationship
When I'm not with you
It's not an exaggerationship
To say I love you so much
I feel inebriationship
At the thought of your touch

Well I'll write you every day and you can call me every night
And you won't be out of my mind just because you're out of sight

Long distance relationship
I think I'm going insane
I'll have hallucationships
Till I see you again
Will you succumb to temptationship
And find someone else
While I wait in frustrationship
Over here by myself

Well together we stand and divided we sit
And I don't want to make my bed if you're not going to sleep in it

[obligatory solos]

Well I'll write you every day and you can call me every night
After seven and on weekends so the rates will be all right

I'll take a vacationship
If I can I'll take two
Take some fast transportationship
And come out to see you
I don't feel desperationship
'Cause our love is so strong
Our long distance relationship
Won't stay distant for long

[tasty coda]

Copyright (C) 1991 Daniel Schmidt, because gypsy said I should


From uwm.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!think.com!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Tue Jun 30 20:22:02 CDT 1992
Article: 111611 of talk.bizarre
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Schmidt)
Subject: You're the one I hate to love
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1992 19:54:10 GMT


You've got lips, dear, you've got teeth
You've got a smile but there's something underneath
I tried to pry it open but you turned the other cheek

You've got shoulders, you've got knees
There's stuff between the two that your cat never sees
I'd like to take a look myself but I'm not a Siamese

  You're the one I hate to love
  Why I still do it I don't know
  If you're not a dove then I'm a crow

You're my chicken, you're my soup
I thought I'd drink you but I see you flew the coop
You threw my love away and then you threw me for a loop

You're my salmon, you're my fish
You broke my wishbone so I made another wish
I'll smother you with hollandaise and serve you on a dish
With new potatoes on the side
A chilled carafe of fine white wine
And just a pinch of cyanide
You're going to be delish               (even more than a knish)

  You're the one I hate to love
  I should have stopped a long time ago
  If you're not above then I'm below

[Optional verse:
We could make love, we could fuck
I'd love to have you but I'm not that kind of duck
I don't have webs between my toes, I guess I'm out of luck]

(C) 1992 Dan Schmidt and all that


From uwm.edu!spool.mu.edu!agate!ucbvax!bloom-beacon!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Thu Jul  2 17:30:35 CDT 1992
Article: 112044 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: couldn't get to sleep last night
Date: 30 Jun 92 17:29:46 GMT
Article-I.D.: athena.1992Jun30.172946.27119
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized


i weld a milk bottle
the blowtorch makes red rainbows on the ridges

i am a sneaker filled with orange peels
to counteract foot odor
cherryblossom trees ask my secret
whenever i go to a shoe store
i have a craving for grenadine
my heart is made from concentrate
i chew on a lemon lime shoelace
i lie about my shoe size

my hair drifts like shrimp on a breeze of denial

i was a teenage maple

skyscrapers beckon me to the basement
(the illusion of height, the reality of depth)
the roof floods in the wintertime

i ate too much and now the sky is bloated
i am open to interpretation

"come," i say, "we live at the end of a very different road"

i am trying to chew a jellybean the flavor of night
i wish he hadn't swept the dog under the carpet

the sun plays lacrosse like a giant rusty banana

i am shitting hardboiled eggs
i piss the yolk into a griddle

the last eggplant prepares for battle
ratatouille ratatouille go the drums


From uwm.edu!spool.mu.edu!olivea!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!dschmidt Mon Sep 14 20:51:44 CDT 1992
Article: 122906 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Denial Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Triple Point
Summary: still haunted by high school chemistry
Date: 12 Sep 92 17:06:55 GMT
Organization: the act or process of organizing or of being organized

When we meet, when we kiss
Don't be startled if I hiss
I'm just air, I'm not there
When I'm with you

When I think of how you felt
I can't do anything but melt
Easy to pour, and I know you're
Melting too

  Chorus:
  It's just a phase and it could change
  But it's already lasted days and I'm already feeling strange
  I'm in a daze, I feel deranged
  I'm at a triple point, I'm not stable today

When I freeze at your touch
Don't interpret it too much
I've got a past, it won't last
Not for long

Pretty soon, I can tell
Everything is going to gel
Slightly wet, but when it's set
It'll be strong

  Chorus

    But oh, I feel sublime
    You sublimate me all the time
    Evaporating all my mind
    Incinerate me, I feel fine

  Chorus

Dfan;
Doomed.


From uwm.edu!rpi!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!think.com!mintaka!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!news Sun Feb  3 16:45:16 CST 1991
Article: 73382 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Alright
Date: 29 Jan 91 01:35:06 GMT
Reply-To: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Organization: Scream until Daddy stops the car
Phone: (617) 225-6787
Address: 48 Mass Ave #208, Cambridge MA 02139

[This song would be really embarrassing if I had actually written it
about anyone.]

Every time I look at you I want to fall down
I can't imagine living if you weren't around
When I sing about you I can't sing slow (oh no)
And every time I touch you well I just gotta shout
You lit me on fire and I'll never go out
And I just don't care how hard the winds may blow

  And I know what I want and I know that it's you
  And I know that you know that you want me too
  And now you want to know how it feels when you hold me tight
  Well it feels alright

Every time we kiss it makes me feel like I'm high
My lips are next to yours but my head's in the sky
I can't remember the last time I touched the ground
The troubles that I used to have are miles away
I've never felt as happy as I'm feeling today
I've been up here forever and I'm never coming down

  And I know I'm not your first guy but I want to be the last
  And if we can have the future we can throw away the past
  And now you want to know just how I feel tonight
  Well I feel alright

[solo, I guess]

  And I know what I want and I know that it's you
  And I know what you're thinking 'cause I think so too
  And now you want to know if you can stay the night
  That would be alright

I've been in love before but it was never with you
The feeling that I'm feeling now is something new
My heart is beating too fast to take it slow
I smile when you're near me and I cry when you're not
I shiver when you touch me but I'm always hot
I'd tell you how I love you but I think you already know

  And I look at you and you look back at me
  And I know that we both like the things that we see
  And now you want to know if you can turn off the light
  That would be alright

[repeat and switch into falsetto, ending on the inevitable major
seventh chord]

Dan;
Just call me mr ROMANTIC.


From uwm.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!news Sun Feb  3 16:45:28 CST 1991
Article: 73661 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Never go out with anyone who writes breakup songs like this
Summary: first and third lines of chorus ripped off from George Harrison
Date: 31 Jan 91 18:06:16 GMT
Reply-To: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Organization: Scream until Daddy stops the car
Phone: (617) 225-6787
Address: 48 Mass Ave #208, Cambridge MA 02139

[Slow, grinding, distorted, repetitive riff, you get the idea.
If vocal line not just above the top of your range, transpose up.]

I must have drunk an ocean
Of your magic potion
You tried to catch me under your spell
But it didn't work too well
Cause I feel no emotion

[The chorus teeters ever so subtly between the key centers of Bb and E
which have the functions of flat supertonic and dominant respectively
to the key of A, wherein the s.g.d.r riff resides.  Like you care.]

  Do what you want to do
  Don't think I'm going to do it too
  Go where you're going to
  Don't think I'm going there with you

[Did you note the ambiguity of the even-numbered lines of the chorus?
Is an "I" elided from the beginning of the sentence, making the
interpretation "I don't think I'm going to?"  Or is the sentence
addressed to the former lover, warning him/her not to expect
anything?  Oh, never mind.]

You say your love is greater
Than the size of the equator
But from the way that we've been talking
I feel like our love is walking
Up on a down escalator

  Do what you want to do
  Don't think I'm going to do it too
  Go where you're going to
  Don't think I'm going there with you

[All six strings of your guitar must be sounding for the entire
duration of the solo.  Relevance of the solo to the underlying chords
is not necessary.]

You gave me lots of pleasure
In the time that we were together
Yeah, you can probably tell
That you gave me some pain as well
But that's something I'd rather not measure

  Do what you want to do
  Don't think I'm going to do it too
  Go where you're going to
  Don't think I'm going there with you

[Repeat riff, increasing feedback if possible, until a suitably
cathartic state is reached.]

Dan;
Much better now.


From uwm.edu!spool.mu.edu!think.com!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!news Fri Feb  8 21:20:23 CST 1991
Article: 74473 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Someone who looks like you
Date: 8 Feb 91 16:53:01 GMT
Reply-To: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Organization: Scream until Daddy stops the car
Posted: Fri Feb  8 10:53:01 1991
Phone: (617) 225-6787
Address: 48 Mass Ave #208, Cambridge MA 02139

I was worried when you left, I thought that you were gone
But I forgot the night is darkest just before the dawn
I thought I couldn't live without you, I thought that I would die
But then I had a another plan, so I gave it a try

I called up my local paper and I took out an ad
I told them all about you and about the times we had
My standards they were pretty strict, my standards they were high
So imagine my surprise when I got a reply

  I found someone who looks like you
  She does the things that you used to do
  She knows everything you knew
  I still love you, but honey, I love her too

She's the woman of my dreams, just the way you were
And everything I loved about you I love about her
You know that I still love you, and you know that I still care
But I'd rather have someone who's here than someone who is there

  I found someone who looks like you
  She does the things that you used to do
  She knows everything you knew
  I still love you, but honey, I love her too
  
    Even if you came back to me
    I don't know who I'd choose
    I guess I'd have to flip a coin
    There's no way I could lose

She has your hair, she has your eyes, she even has your name
And if you weren't in different places, I'd swear you were the same
I hope you don't feel anger and I hope you don't feel hate
I hope you find someone like me so we can double date

  I found someone who looks like you
  She does the things that you used to do
  She weighs the same as you used to weigh
  She says the things that you used to say
  She likes the same things that made you glad
  She has everything you had
  She knows everything you knew
  I still love you, but honey, I love her too
                        Honey, I love her too
                        Honey, I love her too

Dan;
No resemblance to reality.


From uwm.edu!rpi!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!think.com!mintaka!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!news Fri Feb 22 17:39:20 CST 1991
Article: 75430 of talk.bizarre
From: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Tapeworm of Love
Date: 20 Feb 91 03:01:24 GMT
Reply-To: dschmidt@athena.mit.edu (Dan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt)
Organization: Scream until Daddy stops the car
Phone: (617) 225-6787
Address: 48 Mass Ave #208, Cambridge MA 02139

I've been feeling hungry for you
I've got quite an appetite
I can hear my stomach rumbling
When I lie in bed at night
I've got to see you every day
It's a need that I can't hide
But I think I found the reason
For the hunger I feel inside

  I've got a tapeworm of love
  I feed it daily but it isn't enough
  I like the thing that it's a tapeworm of
  It's a tapeworm of love

You might think that I am crazy
But I like my parasite
I can feel it wiggle in me
Every time you hold me tight
They warned me about the steak tartare
They said I could get a disease
But I don't mind being ill so much
If I can have symptoms like these

  I've got a tapeworm of love
  I feed it daily but it isn't enough
  I like the thing that it's a tapeworm of
  It's a tapeworm of love

    It's a welcome guest in
    My intestine
    I don't mind the things it makes me do
    Each proglottid
    That I've got is
    Feeding on the love I feel for you

[solo]

Please don't try to cure me
I don't want any medicine
Just come a little closer, baby
Because I'm feeling hungry again

  I've got a tapeworm of love
  I feed it daily but it isn't enough
  I like the thing that it's a tapeworm of
  It's a tapeworm of love
  It's a tapeworm of love
  It's a tapeworm of love

Dan;
Sick sick sick.


-- 
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.   \  (414)CRUSH-13
T. Flynn's Casa de Interesting: 1755 N Cambridge Ave #306 Milwaukee WI 53202
From: annie@canetoad.UUCP (Annie)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Tsk, tsk class  (was: Re: Rictus Hep Is Unintentionally Overheard)
Distribution: world
Date: 29 Sep 92 18:21:41 EDT
Organization: The Satellite of Love

In article <1a8tsvINNrh8@agate.berkeley.edu> curtis@cs.berkeley.edu 
(Curtis Yarvin) writes:

>c
>by vote of pocket cabal
>it is hereby declared
>that anyone or thing from "canetoad.UUCP"
>which presents itself at
>1530 Hawthorne Terr Berkeley CA
>within the next two weeks
>or any time thereafter
>will receive a free slice
>of oat-quince bread
>as general positive reinforcement.
>but in lieu of physical displacement
>you will get a free recipe
>for oat-quince bread
>which as most authorities agree
>is surely the next-best thing
>if you just tell us where 
>in the name of Jaysus
>you all are located
>so we can make our travel plans
>accordingly.

Now I know, I just *KNOW* that dear Grendel here has made several clear
references to the location of our modest abode. Generally speaking,
of course.

--
In my dreams, i can still see her there, in the light of the full moon,
my hands cupping her breasts in the protective shadow of the Tilt-a-Whirl.
--E. Andi Woods
...uunet!canetoad!annie                          canetoad!annie@uunet.uu.net

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: flagg@blind-lemon.cs.unlv.edu (Scott Cunningham)
Subject: Re: TEEN TALK BARBIE
Organization: UNLV
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 20:30:49 GMT

 "One of the messages is "Math classes
 "are hard."  The other messages are supposed to pertain to hair and
 "shopping.

Rush Limbaugh had one on the show, couldn't get it to say anything about math  
but it did say it loved Rush...

--

________________________________________________________________________
Scott Cunningham \ We're the NSA                                        \
Username: flagg  \ So your the ones I hear on the other end of my phone \
                 \ No, that's the FBI                                   \
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