From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: A Needed Journal Entry
Date: 22 Jan 93 01:12:42 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Before I say anything I need to put a big

          ***   S P O I L E R     W A R N I N G   ***

on this message.  For it contains stuff on cutting, suicide, anger, fustration,
and LAWYERS.  Not enough for a "Big Time" Spoiler warning, but it's needed
enough...

At any rate, a few things have been happening at this end as of late.

First, the car I had on loan from my parents (indefinately, to be signed over
to me) died of old age, leaving me carless.  In and of itself it's no big deal
(I can cope with what little public transportation there is 25 miles out of
Chicago, and a train station is about a block from my house) unfortunately, it
also means that I am out of a *JOB*.  I'm unemployed as a direct result, for I
have no way of getting to or from work.  So I'm screwed.

So I've been applying to places within walking distance of my house, and I'll
be extremely suprised if I don't have a job by Feb 1st.  Already 2 places have
said they want to hire me (1 is only part time at less money than I'd make, but
it's income) as soon as they can.  (I'm waiting for a person to get the results
of a drug test before they go on and vacate their current job for the one I
want, at the local Amoco station. (And a friend (Darlene) is the Asst. Manager
there.  The job is mine, the moment she leaves.))

And meanwhile I don't have to deal with paying insurance, or comming up with
car payments.  (I still owe $2000 to my dad for previous cars that died due to
people ramming me while I was driving...  Lots 'o bad luck!)

BUT, I'm being sued.  Or I will be within 24 hours.  For a hospital bill, that
I've already gotten down to $160.  Unfortunately, this isn't being paid off
fast enough for the hospital, so they decided to skip the collection agency and
had it streight off to the lawyers.  I explained my situation, and they don't
care, and I'll be sued.  Regardless of the fact that even if (when) judgement
is made against me, nothing will be done.  (No job to take pay out of my wages
from; and no car, house, or other assets to confiscate; etc.)  In short, I'm
screwed, and will get a bad credit rating because of this.  I've already told
them how I can get it paid off within 3 weeks, but that's not good enough.  :( 
I'm fucked.

So I've been suicidal.  I'm 1/2 glad that I didn't have access to a gun last
night, for I would have used it.  I did consider jumping out a window or
something, but from the 2nd floor isn't good enough to kill.  Well, not a
guaranteed kill, expecially when there are lots of trees and bushes spread
about to break a fall is you don't jump far enough out...

I wanted to cut long gashes into my arm.  No razor blades, fortuantely.  Or
rather, Angel still has my swiss army knife.

[Does everyone here realize that the Angel I've been refering to is NOT the
same Angel that's been posting to asar as "Angel and us"???  Been meaning to
clarify that for a while in case of confusion, but keep forgetting to.]

Just remembered that I have an X-acto knife with lots of fresh blades somewhere
in this room.  Methinks I may search for it and use it.  (Well I *KNOW* I'll
search for it.  98% that I'll use it.)  Just too much damn stress. I'd like to
end it with a slit in the wrists, but I can't bring myself to cut that deep. 
Yet.

I have a friend that has been cutting too.  Only because she doesn't draw blood
(but it scabs over anyhow), she doesn't consider it cutting and not nearly as
bad as what I'm doing.  I fail to see a difference.  Does anyone out there? 
(And these cuts are being made by a RING that happens to have a pointy crystal
on it!)

And my Net feed is screwy.  Mail is most definately being lost.  I'm only 90%
certian that I'm missing mail from several asar people. (I haven't received any
mail in over a week.  People were promising to get back to me within a day!) 
But I am 100% certian that there is a problem because mail between here and
another local (chi.il.us) system is finding it's way to the big bit bucket
inthe sky instead of to the system it was aiming for.

So, if you were expecting Email from me, I probably sent it, but it then
vanished into thin air.

(Sarah, I still have my last letter to you saved on disk, and am waiting for
the stuff to be fixed before I resend it.  It's *NOT* for public consumption,
so please don't reply via posting it, if you do manage to get a copy!!!!)

Meanwhile the dance goes on, and I just want to stop.  My feet are to sore to
continue.  I want to stop, but I can't!!!  Help!!!

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.