From: sandro@asylum.UUCP (Sandro Wallach)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Yet Another Abuser (was Re: *spoiler alert*)
Date: 30 Jul 92 22:27:32 GMT

anon-1161@twwells.com (Kendra) writes:
>I'm reading asar...not nearly caught up, I think I'm still acouple days 
>behind...read somebody saying that some memories where just 'oh, so that'a
>another person that abused me'  
...
>don't need that ... especially not another family member ... but I have
>realized now that I don't get memories until I can handle them.
...
>When I first started my healing I wanted to remember everything, right then
>I thought knowing was better than not knowing...but each time I have 
>remembered something (& each time I remember a different someONE) I freak
>out and go through another stage of denial, of insisting that I must be
>making it all up ... 
...
>...and the family members
>that I've remembered about aren't the ones that I've always disliked...they've
>been ones that I have at one time or another had really close, important, 
>good relationships with....
...
>I seem to spontaneously start sobbing, randomly.  I walk into a different
>room and sob.  I try to decide what to eat and start crying.  Lyrics from
>dozens of differnt songs set me off.  I want this to end.

Yeah, that's about the size of it.  I'm in the same place, except I
haven't been crying much the last few weeks -- when something sets me
off, it puts me into helplessness or rage, not tears.

About five years ago I realized that an incident I remembered clearly
was really sexual abuse, even though I'd been calling it "no big
deal."  Since then, I've been digging up traces of all sorts of other
sexual abuse.  By now most of my family and three different groups of
strangers are involved in six different scenarios, four of which are
substantiated only by emotional triggers, vague images, and logical
backtracking from physical and mental behavior patterns.  

When the sixth popped up, two days ago, I had to laugh at the
absurdity of this progression.  Each one is worse than the one before,
or I get more of one that didnt seem so bad, and it becomes worse.
The more minor incidents do not involve pentration or violence.  One
of the two most recent ones involves violent rape by someone very
important to me, and the other involves the murder of another boy.

It would be impossible for me to assert with any great confidence that
I know what happen in any of these situations, but each of them clicks
into place in a way random imaginings rarely do.  I don't know.  I
tell myself it doesn't really *matter* if they are true, as long as I
use them to work through the feelings I need to process....

I have no idea if all six incidents happened almost exactly as I
theorize now, if all of them are but stepping stones to reaching a
much-worse truth, or if some set of them are concocted and distorted
intermediate truths which allow me to deal with things I'll never be
able to handle directly.  Or maybe (uh oh) it's all bullshit I made up
for no good reason...  (I can't let myself belief that, but the notion
does wander through my head from time to time.)

Sometimes I'd like very much to sit down and watch a movie of my life,
with all the trauma carefully depicted.  My analytic side says that's
all I really need.  Oh well -- my analytic side is not in charge here.

Anyway -- you're not alone.  I'm not alone.  And we're not crazy, just
going through a natural healing process.  It helps a little to know
this.

Good luck.

	-- sandro

      

	
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery