From: adelpha@hamp.hampshire.edu
Subject: Re: I'm glad you did! (was Re: I can't belive I'm posting this...
Organization: Hampshire College
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 22:12:16 GMT

In article <dctjabg.enigma@netcom.com>, enigma@netcom.com (Enigma) writes:

Hi, enigma, great name btw :-)
>  I felt very
> welcomed and happy, except for one small part of myself that
> wants to go hide in a corner.  :-(
 
I'm really glad you didn't hide, but I know how easy it is to do.

> I decided to go ahead and post, because it's very important to
> my healing that I do so.  I spent too many years not talking and
> hiding and pretending everything was all right when *nothing*
> was all right.  My parents would disown me if they knew I was 
> posting this, because the earliest rule that they drilled into
> my head was "never talk about anything, to anyone".  Especially
> family stuff.  And I know now that their rule is wrong.  I need
> to talk, to be myself openly.  Their message was basically "Never
> let anyone know who you are, because you're no good".  And that's 
> not true.

Good for you!  This sounds very familiar (not feeling able to talk), 
but you have not done anything you should be ashamed of.  The fact 
that any of us are here and still talking is amazing to me.  Doing 
what is best for YOU is the important part.
 
> I don't know if I was physically sexually abused or not.  I have
> no memory of anything like that having happened.  But I do know
> I was emotionally abused.  I can remember being shouted at by
> my parents, and while I don't remember if they ever hit me, I know
> I was constantly afraid they were about to.  I found out a few
> months ago that my father had a drinking problem while I was 
> growing up, and all of a sudden I remembered so many times that he
> had been shouting at me irrationally, out of control.  I realized
> he must have been drinking, and I hadn't known it.  But it frightened
> me badly.

Enigma, It's odd, your situation and mine parallel so well.  I have
memory blocks and suspicions about sexual abuse too.  I know there 
was some, but I'm pretty sure that there is something else in the back
of my mind.  My dad also was emotionally abusive.  My brother called him
a "rageaholic" but I'm pretty sure he was also an alcoholic.  I didn't
realize that until quite recently either.  

> All my life I've been in charge of making my dad feel better, cheering
> him up, being supportive, giving him love.  But I felt lonely and
> abandoned.  I've been reading about this "surrogate spouse" stuff,
> and that's basically what happened to me.  My dad made me feel like
> I was the important person in his life, not my mother.  I fell for 
> the old "my wife doesn't understand me" line.  All my life I thought
> I loved my father, and now I just feel used.  Plus I feel guilty over
> being angry at him, or at least my inner child does.  But I also feel
> like I don't want anything to do with him.

This is where things change, you were a surrogate spouse, I was the 
family scapegoat.  You sound as if you are feeling very betrayed, 
I hope that you can come to terms with your inner child and know that
it is okay to be angry, just that took me a long time, and sometimes I
still forget.  It seems to me that I have to relearn how to be happy
without existing for someone else.  It is easy to slip back into old
patterns.  I think it is sort of like being shell-shocked I was 
fighting a war for survival for so long I didn't quite notice when it 
ended.  After living like that it's hard to trust.  Living on the edge
for so long, it's hard to realize that everyone doesn't necessarily have 
an ulterior motive to attack you.

> I've got most of the signs of abuse; addictions, eating disorders,
> codependency.  I've been in recovery for seven years now, and I think
> I'm finally starting to get a little better.  Just being able to post
> this feels like a major step to me.  One of my defenses is to pretend 
> that I'm all better, though, so I have to be careful.  

It's hard, sometimes when it looks like think everything is ok, the mind 
lets slip with another little tidbit to digest.  But sooner or later
the whole puzzle comes together.  Time wounds all heals, or something. 

> I've re-read this and it sounds awfully dispassionate and cerebral.
> This means I'm scared.  I get like that when I'm scared.  I can't
> believe I'm actually going to post this...  I will probably fall 
> apart as soon as this hits the Net.  I'm going to do it anyway.  

Good for you, you did it, 'cause I read it.  :-)  You are still here
and no scarlet anythings have been imprinted  (Big ;_).  You have a lot
of courage.  I am impressed.
> I can't believe I'm actually announcing "My Parents Are Not Perfect".
> I feel so alone...  i'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscared..

*sigh*I am scared too, believe me, but there are lots of us still out here, 
and we've all been through something similar.  I know I haven't 
said much concrete you can use, but I'm still here, 
if that is any consolation.  
I will be thinking about you, really, I know that sounds sappy, but I 
mean it.  I hope you keep posting Enigma,  hang in there.
I hope this helps some.  *virtual back pat* if you want it. 
> Enigma (enigma@netcom.com)

                                             Annie
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              At least he got some warning, all most of us get is :

                Mind-that-bus!          -A.J. Rimmer, 
                 What-bus?                 2nd tech. & smeghead
                   Splat!                  RED DWARF
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery