From: dwells@lonestar.utsa.edu (Darren . Wells)
Subject: Re: Finally Doing It ... Coming Out
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 18:33:35 GMT

In article <1ddgn3INNkoh@agate.berkeley.edu> rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport) writes:
>
>So ... now, the question is, how does one do this thing?
>I can see two main avenues:
>A) Let it drop in during a casual conversation
>   ("Oh, and so I met him, and he's _so_ cute ...")
>B) Sit them down for a talk
>   ("Mom, dad, sit down please....")
>
>Any suggestions?

My heart goes out to you, partly because I am pretty much in the same
position you are.  I have had "the talk" with my sister, and it pretty
much just came up in conversation, it felt right to talk about it, and
so I did.  That went really well.

Now I know that my mom is the "next" candidate.  I'm not sure when that
will happen.  But I'm pretty sure that it will just sort of happen, like
it did with my sister, rather than me planning some big sit-down-and-talk-
about-it (as in B) and I know it will not happen like a slip of the tongue
(like in A) because that would feel too contrived to me.

I think what has helped me with this is to just accept myself for who I
am, and accept that I will sense when the time is right to bring it up,
and I will go for it.  So far it has worked out pretty well for me.  I
don't know how easily you could adapt this to your situation, but whatever
you do, it helps to work on _really_ accepting and loving yourself, so
that you can feel comfortable however it comes up.  The time I planned
ahead to have a big talk with someone (my birthmother, as opposed to my
mom) I was so nervous I thought I was going to faint.  I had all the
classic symptoms of stress : stomach cramps, sweaty palms, shaking, et
al . . . and the sad part is, I knew she would accept it.  I had built
up so much fear within myself by planning it that I almost went into
panic attack mode doing it, and this was with someone I felt safe with.

Personally, that approach would be impossible for me to pull off with
someone who might have a hostile reaction.  And I know what you mean about
it getting in the way of your relationship with them.  I hate that feeling
that I am hiding such a significant part of who I am from my mom.  But
we only get one shot at a first impression.  This talk will define our
relationship from that point onward.  I am not going to add to the stress
I will alrady be feeling by torturing myself ahead of time about it.  As
far as I'm concerned, it will happen when it feels appropriate, and we're
both ready for it.

Like I said, I don't know how adaptable this is to your situation, but I
wish you lots of luck and love in whatever way you decide to handle this.
It's scary, but remember you always have a lot of support out here.  :)

>I have this vague premonition coming out to my parents may precipitate my
>first "please hug me" post ... But a mammal's got to do what a mammal's got
>to do ...

Feel free to lean on us.  That's what we're here for.
And you don't have to beg for hugs anyway.

*big tight bear hug*

>God, I'm scared.  I hope I don't lose my guts by the time thanksgiving comes
>around the corner ...

Even if you do, that's okay.  Just relax, and let it happen when it feels
right.

>-roy

Darren
(yes, it's me again)