From: Linda.Iverson@p3802.f7014.n124.z1.fidonet.org (Linda Iverson)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: Parents' Guilt
Date: 14 Oct 92 15:51:02 GMT
Reply-To: Linda.Iverson@p3802.f7014.n124.z1.fidonet.org
Organization: FidoNet node 1:124/7014.3802 - The Soft-Ware Haven, Rowlett TX
X-Fidonet: Silent Talk Conference
Originator: wtm@sheldev.shel.isc-br.com

Index Number: 25005

[This is from the Silent Talk Conference]

Quoting Becky Goldberg to All:

BG>     One thing that I don't understand why do parents
BG> including mine
BG> who happened to have deaf child(ren) since birth or illness,
BG> tend to
BG> feel guilty about that. It is understandable if that is

Hi, Becky!

I found this thread of conversation most interesting, and as a
parent, hope I have something to share.  Let me begin by saying I am
mostly a lurker here.  I am not deaf and I have no hearing loss, but
I am totally blind and have been so from birth.  I attended public
schools throughout my education and have a college degree.  I am now
a parent of a 12-year-old son, who has no disability.

Public attitude toward deafness and blindness is very similar;
that's why I began reading this echo.  Besides, I enjoy learning
about different disabilities.

In reflecting on my own childhood I feel my parents did some things
very well, and others not as well with regard to my blindness.  Most
parents do the best they can.  Being a parent is scary, and having a
child with a disability is more so.  These parents most often don't
know anyone with that disability and truly don't know what their
children are capable of accomplishing.  Even before a child is born,
the parents have hopes and dreams for that child.  The disability
shatters those dreams.  Many parents don't know how to redirect
those dreams.

No, you wouldn't feel guilty if you had a hearing child, but most of
your friends are having hearing children.  You know deafness, so
that wouldn't scare you either, but what if that child had a
disability you knew nothing about?  Having a disability yourself,
you'd have an edge on understanding, and you'd know about the
disability echos, so you'd have a point of reference most parents
don't have.  Also, I suspect parents, some more than others, see
their child as an extension of themselves.  When that child succeeds
they are filled with pride.  When the child fails they feel guilt.
Remember, people congratulate parents for having babies, but noone
comes up and says, "Gee, that's great you have a blind/deaf/disabled
child", so from the first what people don't say sets a tone.  Many
people didn't know how to react to my pregnancy and I could sense
their unspoken concern.

Extremes in any area are tough, but I'd rather have parents feel too
much concern than not enough.  I've known some blind people whose
parents sent them to residential schools and had as little to do
with them as possible.  By the same token, some kids were extremely
sheltered, but they could see this happening and asserted their
independence.

I don't know what the answer is.  All we can do is show our parents
we do love them and our lives are full and we'd rather be here with
our disability than not be here at all.

Linda
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