HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: vail@tegra.com (Johnathan Vail)
Subject: Re: new!  from Mattel!
Organization: Tegra-Varityper, Inc. Billerica, MA
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 16:51:04 GMT



In article <7237@taurus.cs.nps.navy.mil> rpwhite@taurus.cs.nps.navy.mil (rpwhite) writes:

   C J Silverio writes:
   >Crash-Test Rock Star!  Complete with chartered plane, which pops
   >apart into over one dozen pieces, and smashable Marshall amp.

   Crash-Test Jayne Mansfield!    Complete with smashed car. Head sold
   separately.

Well, as it happens, mere minutes ago I was waiting for my car to be
fixed and they had a Jane Mansfield expert on the Joan Rivers show.
For the record: She was not in a convertible, it only ended up that
way after it went under the truck.  Her head did not come off, only
a wig and most of her scalp.  The photograph of this on the hood
apparently is what started this rumor.  Cause of death was said to be
lacerations by glass and trauma of the accident.

jv <- daytime tv
From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Rabbit pneumonia
Keywords: Rabbit pneumonia
Date: 6 Jan 93 20:37:26 GMT
Followup-To: talk.bizarre,misc.test,rec.pets
Organization: William's Wonderful Wonky Widget Warehouse

In article <1993Jan6.172448.18309@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>
carasso@Turing.ORG (Roger Carasso) writes:

#     LAST NIGHT MY BIG MINI GERBIL BUTTERLOVE DIED IN MY ANUS AT THE
#  ANIMAL EMERGENCY CLINIC, CAUSE OF DEATH WAS SUFFOCATION. 

Roger, how could you poke fun at the poor, bereft owners who are left
behind after their pet's tragedy, alone with nothing but photographs,
memories, grief and a smelly rabbit carcass? That was crass,
insensitive, gross, disgusting and unspeakably vile. 

I laughed until my glasses fell off. 

Ken Johnson



Notice how diagonally 
this posting 
is adjusted. 



-- 
Son, all the pretty, intelligent,      || Ken Johnson                           healthy young women are taken.         || A I Applications Institute
It's a basic rule of the universe,     || 80 South Bridge                       and if you don't like it,              || Edinburgh,  Scotland   EH1 1HN
go somewhere else.                     || Phone 031-650 2756   Fax 031-650 6513
               -- my dad  1906-1992    || E-mail ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: dlwilson@fenix.encore.com (David L Wilson)
Subject: Re: too drunk to walk
Organization: Encore Computer Corporation
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1993 15:40:07 GMT

kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey) writes:
>In article <C0I5w0.FrM@encore.com> dlwilson@fenix.encore.com (David L Wilson) writes:
>>As I was leaving a party on New Year's, I stepped in a shallow hole and
>>stumbled slightly.  Instantly the host was at my side, asking, "Are you
>>okay to drive?  Are you sure?  You can stay here, you know."
>
>You fool.  Don't you realize she was making a pass at you?

Hmmm, maybe he was.

Dave
From: lstewart@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca (L. Stewart -- IS Office 1058)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Butter powered rocketships
Keywords: churn,fondle,cream,jazz-light
Date: 5 Jan 93 21:58:14 GMT
Organization: University of Waterloo

Giving three fingers to the first visitor to the Ted Kennedy
Space Scenter, Congress-Autonomous-Individual-Who-Makes-Neither-
More-Nor-Less-Than-Similarly-Skilled-Individuals MJDominos from the
State of Grace and Pennsylvania introduced the pilot for the impending
launch scheduled to brush the rings of Kibo, Starcap'n Ra. The
chiselled features of the cap'n glistened in the petroleum jelly
lit amphitheater. Reporters from many nations churned around the knees
of the immense statue of Spot trying to capture the attention of
one of the many flight service personnel. During a moment of quiet
one of the guests was heard to exclaim that there would be no form
of lubrication used during the voyage. Vitriol Chief Engineer Roger
Dogboy Carasso was filmed cklimbing into the bowels of the huge
distended ship, wherein he demonstrated his intense knowledge of
flatulence propulsion in the Brando designed butter thrusting engines.
The light-jazz emissions have been calculated to leave a visible 
stain in the sheets of sky before creaming the galaxy. Dr. Robert
bOb Tech was withholding cards from several key players due to fears
that the ship might encounter a revulsion from the Dobson-Nimrod
Cluster, a formation that creates such intense suction that no         
intelligence has emerged from it. Among the dignitaries fondling 
beneath the nymph stackers were representatives from the major
faiths. St.Theresa had discovered the secret of goblets and spent
the day tippling with the Daily Llama and many members bowed in 
respect as she exclaime, "Aura this." The ship named for one of the
team who kept dying at just the right moments was finally unveiled
and Admiral RPWhite produced his plank and christened the vessel
"mr x". First mission for the team will be a controlled hover over
the fatuous Houghton Pedantry Test Range where cap'n Ra will supervise
the release of two dogs fucking. The mr x then travels to Australia
where the annual devastations will culminate with the levering of
the bloating DAC from off the flag pole of the Sydney Opera House.
No purpose has been cashed out to the squeal of scalding children
before the ship screws off into the cosmos in search of the rings
of Kibo. 

dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog

block text

tear here
From: larne@canetoad.UUCP (Larne Pekowsky)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Swoop, dive, scream
Distribution: world
Date: 9 Jan 93 14:13:53 EDT
Organization: The Satellite of Love

Why is the word 'serenely' so often associated with the word 'floating'?
My head was floating earlier this morning, and it was anything but
serene.  The whole time I was aware of my esophoegus twitching and
stretching below me.  At first I think it just wanted to reconnect, but
then it became frustrated and angry and seemed to be trying to open up
and engulf my whole head like some sort of sea anemone gulping down a
fish.

I ask you, who the hell could relax with that going on right beneath
their chin?

--
...uunet!canetoad!larne                          canetoad!larne@uunet.uu.net
From: tal@Warren.MENTORG.COM (Tom Limoncelli)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: New drinks: the S&M
Date: 4 Jan 1993 16:23:34 -0500
Organization: Mentor Graphics -- IC Group
NNTP-Posting-Host: milk.warren.mentorg.com

In pint glass, mix 1 oz Torani blackberry syrup and 6 oz soda water.
Let stand for 1 minute. Now float 10 oz diet coke on top. Keep
pouring, bravely, even when the drink foams up.

This creates an excellent-tasting, dark brown and blood red layered
drink. Toss in a maraschino cherry, if desired, but knot the stem
first.

Tom

-- 
Tom Limoncelli -- tal@warren.mentorg.com (work) -- tal@plts.uucp (play)

Unix is a trademark of, WHATT????
From: gj@prg.oxford.ac.uk (Craig Shergold)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: article imitates laugh, but not much
Date: 8 Jan 93 17:59:22 GMT
Organization: Nurnberg Custard Rallies, Mass-Catering to the Gentry
X-Mailer: mail-news 2.0.3

It was a call for papers, from an International Institute for Reduction
of Natural Disasters.  There was no hint as to what the disasters would 
be reduced.  Piles of rubble suggested themselves; threads and tatters. 

One of the sponsors was British Nuclear Fuels, so they might be interested
more in the balance with the un-natural sort, and like  Michael Flanders'
airport bus-drivers, concerned to keep the statistics favourable.        /
                                                                        /
Of course, I might be making this up.                                  / g
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: lstewart@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca (L. Stewart -- IS Office 1058)
Subject: Richh must have really got a job
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 21:25:38 GMT

Richh to the white courtesy phone please, the urologist
has filed a report in your name.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: kyle@Ingres.COM (Kyle Smith)
Subject: Re: Deflated Breast Update
Reply-To: kyle@Ingres.COM (Kyle Smith)
Organization: Ask Computer Systems Inc., Ingres Division, Alameda CA 94501
Date: 11 Jan 93 18:29:00 GMT

In article <gj156879.726766997@cunews> gj156879@alfred.carleton.ca ( gj student 156879) writes:
>A long time ago, I posted how my ex-girlfriend, who is currently
>sleeping with a friend of mine, was getting her breast size reduced.
>Well, she did it.  She checked in to the hospital, and they sucked out
>some fatty tissue and she's gone from a D-cup to a B-cup.  
> 
>Let's just think about that for a second...
>floor, so the doctors cut it off, and attach it higher up on the
>breast				       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^.
>^^^^^^
	I wonder if this makes the nipple insensitive then because of hte
	cut nerves? I bet it does and that would be a loss for the woman

>My friend told me how he fondled this woman's breasts a great deal, up
>until the operation, not because he cares (cared) for her huge
>breasts, but he felt obliged to say goodbye to them.
				 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
	Ever see "Blazing Saddles"? Mel Brooks treats his girlie's breasts
	the same way in that movie and it's pretty funny...
>Does any of the above strike any of you as bizarre?
> 
>It's all true, which makes it far more weird, in my opinion.  
> 
>So she was in the hospital, her breasts sore from being hacked up, and
>my friend goes off to visit her.  
> 
>Did you know that in Canada, having your breast size reduced is
>coverred by OHIP?  It's considered a form of preventive surgery,
>preventing back pain, etc. which apparently a lot of large breasted
>women suffer.
	I wonder if breast enlargement could be covered too?
> 
>Now, you don't know the situation, and you're only getting my
>perspective, so bear with me when I tell you that I don't believe this
>woman got her breasts reduced because of back pain.  It was more
>because she's embarrassed about having breasts.  She's a rather plain
>looking person except for that one feature.  She dresses in jeans and
>baggy sweatshirts all the time, constantly hiding her body.  The one
>time she wore a dress to a wedding, she got home, and some friends of
>hers were there, and she ran through the room, quickly going to
>change.  She didn't want anyone to see her in a dress.
	I have known women who have had this same type of feelings about their
	bodies also...it's quite a shame that a lot of people (like my parents)
	in this world are ashamed of their bodies and try to pass that kind of
	shit along to their offspring. Sounds like it stuck in her...
>Humanbeings.  Who understands 'em?
	       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
	       The Shadow knows...
>
>                                        Nik
>                           Pondering a tit-less universe.
				        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
					bummer

--
*****	Kyle E. Smith  ********************************************************
*****	Ingres Tech Support Server Dude  **************************************
*****	510.748.2431  *********************************************************
*****	kyle@ingres.com  ******************************************************
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (fun fun fun boy)
Subject: Re: Rictus Hep, P.I. (Continue Or Die)
X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a public access Unix system run by the University
	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 93 07:25:16 GMT

In article <C0D9rA.L8v@rice.edu> caz@owlnet.rice.edu (HWRNMNBSOL) writes:
>It was one of those nights.  Or days.  Nights or days, who cares, I didn't.
>We'll say it was at some point in a standard diurnal cycle, and leave it
>there to rot with the apples in the fallow orchards.
>
>The light seeped through my blinds like semen through a faulty IUD.  I had
>a buzz on my head like the first day of boot camp, and even a slug of Scope
>couldn't chase the little green men away.  I kicked my Vans up on the 
>chiffarobe and whistled softly through my buttocks.  What a day.  Or night.
>Whatever.
>
>My name's Rictus Hep; I'm a Private Dick.  I'm also a detective, and I
>resent the implication.  My office fronts on 64th, backs onto 16th, and
>kind of sidles past the Battery.  I smoke, wear a trenchcoat, and whack
>off to Body Electric.  I carry a gun, but it doesn't work.  That's OK, 
>'cause neither do I: I'm a Private Detective.
>
>I was just settling down for a little nap, having burrowed deep into the
>cool mud at the banks of Lake Victoria, when SHE walked in.......
tall and dark, or was that just the light? hell, she had on heels so high
i practically blew right there. "hey," she said, a cigarette hanging from
her lip. i stood up slowly. "exactly what is it i can do you for miss?" i
said looking her up and down a couple of times. "well, for starters you
can light this damned cigarette that's been hanging from my lip while you
drool like a puppy." "ouch, baby you slay me." i say as i light the
cigarette. "let's get down to business" i say while gesturing to the chair
in front of my desk. she sits. jeezus, hell, she's got legs that go waaayy
up. i mean UP. i get control and sit down. "you see," she says, "i've got
a small problem with my ex-husband. it seems he's been scratching my name
into bullets." "do you mean this in a figurative sense or in reality?" i
ask her. "you stupid fuck! of course i mean it in a figurative sense. like
the shit has time to scratch my name into bullets while running the
biggest frog licking scam in the country." "do you mean to tell me your ex
is louie, louie the licker?" "yes." she replies. "well, you've got to be
out of your damned mind to think i'm going anywhere near him or his boys.
thanks for stoppin' by, have a swell life." she stands up but her skirt
doesn't fall as fast. torture, plain and simple, that's all it was. "Mr.
Hep, i'm prepared to offer you...


(contribute you slackers!)
--
			PJF--->Biochem. grad student
			      PUBLIC ENEMY #1
From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Food, Folks, 'n' Fun
Date: 8 Jan 93 12:04:01 GMT
Followup-To: talk.bizarre
Organization: William's Wonderful Wonky Widget Warehouse


# It is by far the worst food I have ever tasted, bad even for
# McDonald's[tm]. 

If you want to continue this game of gourmet one-downmanship, try
drinking British Sherry.  A heavy drinking friend of mine says he once
bought a bottle and he was glad when it was finished. 

Ken Johnson




-- 
Son, all the pretty, intelligent, healthy     #    Ken Johnson, AIAI,
young women are taken. It's a basic rule of   #    80 South Bridge, Edinburgh
the universe, and if you don't like it, go    #    Tel 031-650 2756 
somewhere else.        -- my dad  1906-1992   #    Fax 031-650 6513
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: srscnslt@telesciences.com (SRS Consultant)
Subject: Re: rec.humor.funny (was: Newscaster of the Month)
Organization: TeleSciences CO Systems, Inc.
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1993 19:13:36 GMT

In article <schnitzi.726525057@eola.cs.ucf.edu> schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius) writes:
>
>(was Joachim a 
>male or a female?).  



	No, I don't believe so.

-- 
Mitch Gorman		srscnslt@telesciences.com	emrys@cellar.org
"You can tell he's doing well by the look in inhuman eyes,
	Better not compromise -
		It won't be easy!"
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: aaron@atlantis.uucp
Subject: Delight
Organization: Atlantis Communications, Edmonton, AB, Canada
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 05:03:24 GMT

Sometime I'd like to become delirious with fever, and then have someone record
all the stuff I say while I'm delirious, so I can listen to it later.

Of course, it'll probably all be totally incoherent, and perhaps even
incriminating.  Obviously I'll have to hire a discreet, disinterested party.

Also, I understand that high fever isn't a pleasant experience, and can be
fatal in some cases.  But I'm sure these minor difficulties can be surmounted.

-- 
---Alfvaen(Still looking for "October's Baby")
"I'm gonna follow my feelings...I'm gonna follow my senses...I'm gonna follow   my compass!"  --Lone Justice
Current Album--The Nylons:4 On The Floor
Current Read--Tanya Huff:Blood Trail
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@ferris.cray.com 
Subject: Re: Delight
Originator: jcarroll@ferris
Date: 6 Jan 93 00:50:31 CST


In article <1993Jan6.050324.25987@atlantis.uucp>, aaron@atlantis.uucp writes:
> Sometime I'd like to become delirious with fever, and then have someone record
> all the stuff I say while I'm delirious, so I can listen to it later.
> 
> Of course, it'll probably all be totally incoherent, and perhaps even
> incriminating.  Obviously I'll have to hire a discreet, disinterested party.
>

Or it could be brilliant, and you'd suddenly become a prophet. You'd be chased
out of every city in Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba, and your followers
would build shrines along the path of your retreat.
 
> Also, I understand that high fever isn't a pleasant experience, and can be
> fatal in some cases.  But I'm sure these minor difficulties can be surmounted.

Fortunately, there are other ways to induce seizure. Get a nice, heavy iron
skillet, and start hitting yourself in the forehead until you knock yourself
out. Repeat until epileptic.

Or maybe you'd like to volunteer to beta test the X Industries VMEbus sodium
pump.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: srscnslt@telesciences.com (SRS Consultant)
Subject: Re: Mr. Ghaly is the right man in the right place.
Organization: TeleSciences CO Systems, Inc.
Distribution: na
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1993 18:12:11 GMT

In article <1iian6INNkp9@crcnis1.unl.edu> fall217@cse.unl.edu () writes:
>
>FUTURE OF UN
>^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>It is time that UN should be burried in the crimes, which it has commited 
>since the begining of its formation.  It starts with the creiation  of Israel
>and continiu even today.  
>


	Uh-oh.

	Termcap time, eh, wot?


-- 
Mitch Gorman		srscnslt@telesciences.com	emrys@cellar.org
"You can tell he's doing well by the look in inhuman eyes,
	Better not compromise -
		It won't be easy!"
From: kontos@clipper.ingr.com (Thorne Kontos)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: My few Christmas gifts worth mentioning
Keywords: Bleak, dismal, etc.
Date: 5 Jan 93 16:59:40 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Intergraph Advanced Processor Division - Palo Alto, CA


     It was a meager season this year, but I did get a few welcome
oddities...

    1) 2 Ren and Stimpy bootleg episodes never before seen on the
       tube. Yes, they are disgusting...have you buffed your pet
       lately? (Made in L.A.-close enough to being a foreign country)
    2) 6 Christopher Radko hand-blown glass ornaments...(Made in Poland)

Things I didn't really care for...
   
    1) Yet another sweater
    2) Sprained back from lifting the new color television into place.
From: reese@vax.oxford.ac.uk
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Bigfootf spaceman?
Date: 5 Jan 93 16:43:32 GMT
Organization: Oxford University VAX 6620

In article <1993Jan4.235841.4370@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>, pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (fun fun fun boy) writes:
> 	of Denver for the Denver community.  The University has neither
> 	control over nor responsibility for the opinions of users.
> 
> In article <72870@cup.portal.com> John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com writes:
>>Dear Folks: Now to answer a question. It was asked how we compare in
              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                     Space Nazi
>>IQ to the space people. If you consider a human to be very smart with
>>an IQ of 150 then the Greys from Z. R. have a 300 IQ. People from 
                        ^^^^^
                        Space Nazis
>>Venus are 5,000 years ahead of us an in the 4th dimension, because we
>>destroyed our civilization about 5,000 years ago. Some people from
                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
                                     Space Nazi
>>Saturn and Jupiter would seem god like to us. Jupiter is where Adam
                                ^^^^^^^^
                                 Space Nazi
>>came from of the the Adamic race. So how about them apples?
                       ^^^^^^^^^^^
                       Space Nazis
>>John Winston.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^
   Space Nazi
> 
> 
> THIS BELONGS IN T.B. 
> 				HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES!?

Space Nazi.
> --
> 			PJF--->Biochem. grad student
> 			      PUBLIC ENEMY #1

Jason
From: sho@bohr.physics.purdue.edu (Sho Kuwamoto)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: another offer
Date: 6 Jan 93 22:21:07 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Physics Department

Come up with a star trek joke.
The punch line must be "bjorn borg"
Get it accepted to rec.humor.funny.

15 quatloos.

-Sho
--
sho@physics.purdue.edu
From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson)
Newsgroups: uk.politics,talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Will Shetlanders pay?
Date: 8 Jan 93 11:22:52 GMT
Organization: William's Wonderful Wonky Widget Warehouse


In article <8100@skye.ed.ac.uk> ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk I wrote:

#  Meanwhile the Danish Kroner would collapse because the sum we originally
#  paid for the Shetlands, plus compound interest, would probably be
#  greater than the sum of all the money in the European Community. 

But if you think about the opportunity costs, it would probably be
cheaper to give the Shetlands back to the Danes than to clean up the oil
spill. 

Economically and with truth, Ken Johnson



-- 
Son, all the pretty, intelligent, healthy     #    Ken Johnson, AIAI,
young women are taken. It's a basic rule of   #    80 South Bridge, Edinburgh
the universe, and if you don't like it, go    #    Tel 031-650 2756 
somewhere else.        -- my dad  1906-1992   #    Fax 031-650 6513
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: matmcinn@nuscc.nus.sg (brett mcinnes)
Subject: Re: zadachka pro sifilitika
Organization: National University of Singapore
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1993 05:11:01 GMT

: 
: As a professional combinatorist, you should not be restricting the
: "love" graphs (pardon my scientific terminology) to be bi- or R- partite.
: Why not solve it for a complete graph, where anybody can make it
: with anybody else? Sort of like gay bathhouses in San francisco before the
: AIDS epidemic. 
: 
: Or, do it for an arbitrary graph, which will be given to you as input. Can
: you write an efficient algorithm for finding the optimal copulation
: schedule?
: 
: In any case, I susoect that the solution will still remain straightforward,
: no matter how much we generalize it. Prove me wrong!
: 
: >>> cordially,
: >>> mikhail zeleny@husc.harvard.edu
: >>
: >>Cordially,
: >>
: >>Greg Landsberg@sbhep2.phy.sunysb.edu
: >
: >cordially,
: >mikhail zeleny@husc.harvard.edu
: >"Le cul des femmes est monotone comme l'esprit des hommes."
: 
: Cardiovascularly,
: 
: Vlad
: 
: Employer may disagree
:
From: bc@Apple.COM (bill coderre)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: My favorite thing about my girlfriend's mother
Date: 7 Jan 93 17:35:33 GMT
Organization: Apple Computer Inc, Cupertino, CA


So I roll into DC to spend Christmas with the girlfriend's family. Oh
joy, I am thinking. This should be really entertaining. I have
practised my life-size cardboard cutout imitation all week (at my
family's early Christmas).

Well, the girlfriend's mom is a shrink with a sense of humor. She got
the family to sing that Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur song, with a
twist:

	"I love you
	 You love me
	 We're a dysfunctional family..."

It was at this point that I began to lighten up. I've already warned
the girlfriend that if things don't work out, I'm marrying her mom.

mr HEINOUS
the fact that they not only indulged my tendency to take over the
cooking, but cheered me on, only made me feel more welcome.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre