Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 12:20:12 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: markm@predator.vpharm.com (Mark Murcko)
Subject:  NEWS FLASH: Clinton Denies All Charges
Keywords: topical, smirk, original


Extrapolating from numerous recent news reports, and Governor Clinton's 
skillful ability to put just the right spin on them, it gets easier all 
the time to imagine that the following exchange, or something 
frighteningly like it, could happen before November.


Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done 
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?

Clinton:  (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened
by this terrible misunderstanding.  The media hype is way out 
of proportion.  You guys should know us by now--we would never
say anything like that.  And though she did say a few things
about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame-
fully taken out of context and distorted.  There is nothing in 
my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory 
toward the German people.  We honor them.  Some of our best 
friends are Germans.  My own grandmother was one-quarter German.  
And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our 
country club.  In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I 
was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three 
predecessors combined.  We have some pie charts which we'll 
pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story.  
Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand 
just how ridiculous this is.  

Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be
called that.  You boys just keep taking your best shots.  The
American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned
off by what we stand for.  But this latest outrage is just too
much.  You boys ought to be ashamed.  Sleaze for soundbites, trash
for cash, that's what this is.  We have good reason to believe 
the audio tapes were doctored.  We're not even sure if that's
Hilary's voice.  You guys ought to have checked this out better
before launching a major attack on my wife.  The whole story was 
phony to begin with.  In fact, our sources suggest that this is
is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times
that they will do whatever it takes to win this election.  And
that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the
very gall of the whole thing.  The only nazis you find in America 
these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a 
Republican, not a Democrat.  But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet.  As I
told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on 
the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every 
chance he gets.  It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to 
do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat 
tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of 
this nation.  And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to 
claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few 
comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any 
more.  Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always 
tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid 
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.  

(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are
out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health 
insurance know what I stand for.  People are genuinely 
disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this 
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust.  People have 
been let down, they've been shafted by Washington.  They
want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment.
I have always run my campaigns as a change agent.  I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody.  I ran the first ad against
the congressional pay raise!

Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy.
Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country
so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious
lies are spread about us and geurilla tactics are used against
us.  Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side.  
It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and
attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the
need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut,
the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor
honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's
flat tax would cripple the nation.  Maybe Hilary should have
just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.

-- Nervous in New England
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