From: dmcdowel@Nimitz.mcs.kent.edu (Duane McDowell)
Subject: I need advice...
Reply-To: dmcdowel@mcs.kent.edu
Organization: Kent State University CS
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1992 21:20:04 GMT


	First some background information, At another school, over two
years ago, I met a young lady that I fell in love with from the start.

At the time she was dating someone that I knew. He was cool and After 
alot of discussion and agonizing over my love for this girl I'll call 
Ann, I decided to get to know her better. Well We did exactly that. We
became best friends. It took alot of time for me to get to know her as
well as I do know her. Six months after being friends with her she
broke up with her boyfriend (I can't remember why that was a long time
ago.). I guess during that time I became used to our friendship and
even though I wanted to take her out on a date I was used to the way
things were between her and me. So I never tried to break her and her
boyfriend up in fact I encouraged that relationship even after the
breakup. I was afraid that if she broke up with her boyfriend things
would change between her and I. I knew she was happy when she was
dating this guy. So for reasons like insecurity, imaturity, realizing
that both of us weren't ready for "dating each other" I decided to
remain friends for the long haul because I realized at the time that I
had the better position than her boyfriends, after all boyfriends will
come and go (until mister right), yet true friends are forever. 

	Somewhere during that time, I told her how I felt about her
that I love her. Which undoubtably caused stress between us. By some
miracle, things got worked out in short time. I never asked her to
dump her boyfriend or anything like that. Since we had mutual friends
we would do things together in groups (like a pizza hut runs, movies,
and some groups we were both invovled in). I was very content about my
friendship. After all I cared about her, I talked to her, We took
walks together, ate together. Sometimes I wondered if she spent more
time with me than she did with her boyfriend. Turns out she wasn't. We
never talked about her boyfreind and her.. I just assumed that things
were well between the two of them. The only thing I concentrated on
was my friendship. I even went to the bother of throwing a completely
Surprising surprise party. She had no idea it was coming. I even had
her boyfriend's permission and he was invited. 

	About a year after I met her, I ended up transfering. Since
then I've done my best to stay in contact which has been extremely
difficult since I live about 600 miles from her house, but somehow
 I've managed to do so. I've taken a
couple of trips to see her, usually in January. She's gone through
several boyfriends since I've known her... about 5 I think. 
Which has been relatively easy to get through since the first breakup
that she had. I still really care about her. And I still think it's
love. But I know you can't make someone love you that doesn't. So I've
never tried to force a relationship with her. I've just let our
friendship grow, and it has.

	Last January, I her hopeful boyfriend. I'll call him Steve.
Steve was alright, I guess. In the early spring, Steve hit a major
depression. And tried to commit suicide. Beth was there for him and
as a result grew closer to him than she was to me. (I was always
closer to her than her boyfriends. I told her that she should put her
boyfriends  before me, yet it never happened.) I found out that they
were dating this summer. When I found out that they were dating, I
told her to becareful, and that I didn't want to see her get hurt. 
I was glad that she finally started to put
more trust in her boyfriends than she did in me. (the bottom line is
that I want her to be happy) 

	Which brings us to the present which presents to me a problem.
I called her last night. I never got a chance to talk to her. I did in
fact talk to her mom. Her mom informed me that Steve had shot himself
and that the funeral is today. I told her mom that if she needs to
talk to anyone to have Beth call me collect. 

	I'm really concerned about her. I don't know what to say if
she does call. I don't know what this is going to do to her. I'm sure
she'll be fine. I think it would be rotten of me to remind her that I
love her. I don't think I'll be able to fully understand how she
feels. I'd like to try though. I'll try and listen and get her to talk
to me. How do I handle this? What do I say? As you can probably tell
there is alot of mixed feelings about her. Right now I'd like to make
her feel better and take away the hurt that she has, but that is
impossible. And no. I am not thinking about dating her. I am just
really worried about her. I don't want her to blame herself for what
happened. I am upset at Steve for doing this to himself and to her. I
might not have known much about him but Beth loved and loves him. I
can't understand why he did what he did. I pray to God that Beth
wasn't the one that found him and wasn't around when he did it. 


	Does anyone have any advice for me as to what to say? Or what
to do? 

						Thanks,

						Duane McDowell

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