HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: mattb@ctron.com (Matt Brown)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Sorry I missed it (Roadkill)
Summary: Hurl big chunks
Keywords: Roadkill, chili, performance art
Date: 28 Sep 92 16:05:22 GMT
Reply-To: mattb@olympus.ctron.com (Matt Brown)
Organization: Cabletron Systems INc.

This past weekend, the National Roadkill Cookoff was held in West Virginia.

Shucks. I would have liked to enter my recipe for New Hampshire Roadkill
Possum Chili.


Matt
Just to forstall a torrent of email, here is the recipe. It probably wouldn't
have won a prize, because it is more performance art than culinary masterpiece*.

 _____________________________________ 
| New Hampshire Roadkill Possum Chili |
|                                     |_______________________________________
|Ingredients:                                                                |
|  4 cans of Hormel Chili (2 hot, 2 chunky)				     |
|  1 chicken carcass (optional; adds a little texture and danger)            |
|									     |
|Empty the chili into a large microwavable cooking dish, making sure to      |
|scrape out all the greasy stuff stuck to the side of the can.               |
|									     |
|Boil the chicken carcass until the bones start to fall apart.  Select       | 
|several medium size bones (wings are best) and separate.                    |
|									     |
|Fold the chicken bones into the chili.					     |  
|									     |
|Microwave the chili for 6 minutes on high. (Usual nonsense about 700 watt   |
|oven deleted).								     |
|              								     |
|Serve to a friend.							     |
| 									     |
|Stand clear.								     |
|									     |
|When the friend finds a bone (quickly, before he or she can choke on it),   |
|ask "So, how do you like New Hampshire Roadkill 'Possum Chili?"             |
|									     |
|Run.									     |
|									     |
|* For extra fun, get an accomplice to video tape, and submit the result     |
|  to _America's Stupidest People_.   					     |
|____________________________________________________________________________|
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: osa@wilbur.unh.edu (Bart Simps.. er.. Oktay Ahiska)
Subject: kinky
X-Advertisement: Use Emacs
Organization: Springfield Elementary School
Distribution: talk
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 21:59:45 GMT
Comments: Support your local police force - STEAL!


This is real:

</usr/users/wilbur/osa> % telnet nic 119
Trying 132.177.128.99...
Connected to nic.unh.edu.
Escape character is '^]'.
200 nic.unh.edu NNTP server version 1.5.11 (10 February 1991) ready at Fri Oct  2 16:57:42 1992 (posting ok).

slave
202 Kinky, kinky.  I don't support such perversions.

quit
205 nic.unh.edu closing connection.  Goodbye.
Connection closed by foreign host.

--
The opinions expressed above are my own, and not necessarily those of UNH.
 Cute signature quote by They Might Be Giants: D, world destruction /
  Over an overture / N, do I need / Apostrophe T, need this torture?
From: grendel@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Koschei the Deathless)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: stopping the plague
Date: 1 Oct 1992 08:45:48 GMT
Organization: The International House of Secretions
NNTP-Posting-Host: 129.89.7.4

In article <1992Sep30.153451.29762@nmsu.edu> sabbott@nmsu.edu (SDA) writes:
*grendel@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Koschei the Deathless) writes:
*>   It reminds me of a Prof. Renzi quote: "I'd rather walk into the Palistine
*>   area and say, 'hey, I'm a Jew!'"
*>
*>   Reading this, I know full well what a certain future posting will contain.
*
*A dictionary.

Another wit!  Haw!


Mark "Amazing" Lippert 
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll)
Subject: Re: Love/Hate
Organization: Cray Research, Inc.
Date: 1 Oct 92 21:00:35 CDT

In article <1aef2mINN1dh@uwm.edu> grendel@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Koschei the Deathless) writes:
>In article <annie.0352@canetoad.UUCP> annie@canetoad.UUCP (Annie) writes:
>*	I hate my job
>*	My job I hate
>*	If things don't change, I'll
>
>Masturbate?
>Defenstrate?
>Titrate (those nitrates)?
>Celebrate?

fornicate.
From: tomf@ai.bunny.gte.com (Tom Fawcett)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: My mantra, or Another Writing Lesson From Annie
Summary: Never talk someone out of what you can take for free
Date: 2 Oct 92 17:57:12 GMT
Reply-To: tomf@gte.com
Organization: GTE Laboratories Inc.
In-reply-to: annie@canetoad.UUCP's message of 1 Oct 92 23:14:08 GMT

In article <annie.0362@canetoad.UUCP> annie@canetoad.UUCP (Annie) writes:

>	   Rules For Non-Fiction Writing
>
>   When writing facts, one ought to mention the source. 
>
>   When supplying personal information about other people to a 20,000 
>   subscriber newsgroup--information readily hackable from a number
>   of sources I can think of and therefore of no intrinsic value in and
>   of itself and only valuable in the free exchange of such information--
>
>   one ought to wonder about one's castration complex.



OK, I retract it.  I don't know for sure that my urine is cleaner than
Dolan's.


(Annie: Posting writing lessons is a bit presumptuous, especially when
they contain flawed grammar, spelling, or punctuation.  Weren't you
the one who said "never post a first draft?")
From: reese@vax.oxford.ac.uk
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: DEFENESTRATION
Date: 1 Oct 92 11:47:35 GMT
Organization: Oxford University VAX 6620

In article <schnitzi.717899567@eola.cs.ucf.edu>, schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius) writes:
> vail@tegra.com (Johnathan Vail) writes:
> 
>>"When I grow up I want to be a long pointer to an instance thunk."
> 
> I have no joke here, I would just like to point out that if you
> convert pi to base 26 and let A=0, B=1, C=2, etc., that "thunk" is
> the first English word of five or more letters to appear, after
> about a million digits.  There is some significance to this.

Never ....

Jason

> 
> infidel
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: short triumphant haiku
Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 04:13:05 GMT

In <1992Sep23.224245.24535@walter.cray.com> jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll) writes:
>after fifteen years
>i will have a locking door
>in my new office

it will lock from the
outside, and the air can be
bled out in seconds.

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jon@zeus.med.utah.edu (Jonathan Byrd)
Subject: Re: it's too early
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 18:12:18 GMT
	<1992Oct1.195043.14137@nmrdc1.nmrdc.nnmc.navy.mil>
	<1992Oct2.150815.28234@fcom.cc.utah.edu>
Organization: University of Utah

In article <1992Oct2.150815.28234@fcom.cc.utah.edu> PJF4081@CC.UTAH.EDU (big daddy hate box) writes:
	   my other goal is to crystallize people. i will first do males and 
   females separately and then together, sort of a co-crystal. in this way i will 
   be able to elucidate the unit cell of a people crystal. i think i will use 
   these ideas for my prelim exams this winter. ughh. ciao etc.

remember that you must incorporate an idiot into the crystal in order
to determine the phase.

(i have waited nearly ten years for a chance to brag about the fact
that i worked in alan edmundsen's lab.  thank you.)

--
jonathan byrd
jon@apollo.med.utah.edu
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: mneeley@nyx.cs.du.edu (Mark Neeley)
Subject: short painful realization
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 13:48:44 GMT

"You know, after all that hype, it really wasn't all that big."

	Mark (The newbie onslaught.  Get yer minds outta the gutter.)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: Short Shamefull Confession
Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 03:59:33 GMT

In <19rn6nINNk2i@introl.introl.com> jake@introl.com (Joel D. Jacobson) writes:
>Every time I hear the DJ on WQFM say "shark attack" i have
>an uncontrollable urge to do the:
>	when the shark bites
>motion with my hands, and start bouncing around.

Und der Haifisch
der hat Zaehne
und die traegt er
im Gesicht

Und MacHeath, der
hat ein Messer
doch das Messer
sieht man nicht.
From: mlegare@wetware.com (BoBteCh)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: delta v
Date: 1 Oct 92 03:51:29 GMT
Organization: sulphur & oxygen

travel broadens the mind



- and the last place we stopped for gas was a little piddly town whose
sole reason for existance is that you can't go any farther on interstate
10 without running out of gas.  so be it.  gas is (of course) expensive
as hell, but the food is worse (who the hell put a pizza hut where there's
no neural activity on a geographic scale?).  We get back in the van, 
plug a tom clancy tape into the player, and drive on.  (At this point, 
Ami isn't sure if she can drive the van, and quite frankly i don't want
to deal with that problem at all.)

- Kansas is entirely flat.  Level.  Ok, not totally level.  Just a series of 
planes with the barest minimum of level variances in order to give the
illusion of topography.  Since Kansas is flat, whatever wind blows, blows
all the way across Kansas.  From South to North.  This means that for
the first part of the day i am trying not to get blown off the left side
of the motorcycle.  For the resQdrt of the day i am trying not to get
blown backwards off my motorcycle.  Likewise, i am trying not to let
my helmet get blown off my head.  It is at this point that I understand
what my uncle was saying about "it's not a big windscreen, but you'll
appreciate it."

- From San Francisco to Los Angeles: 9 hours.  I know that because the 
tom clancy book-on-tape is 10 hours long, and i made los vegas 2 hours
after it was finished.  There it is.

- god bless the flying j truckstops, otherwise i'd never have ANYTHING
to listen to on these trips.  cheap tape rental.  yee ha.

- never a decent dirty magazing store around when you need one.

- how to walk like a cowboy: travel 600 miles on a motorcycle in one day.

- vanilla milkshakes all the way, every restaurant (and truckstop) that
serves them.  definately.

- the further away one gets from texas, the less people know about how
to make nachos.  it's depressing.

-  $24 knife.  double edged.  good handle.  belt/boot sheath, only it doesn't
fit in my boot.  and on my belt it sticks me in the side.  annoying.  
good knife, though.

BoB
teCh
the ability to travel through space
From: larry@bradley.bradley.edu (L. D. Stratton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Hauslabjoch Man
Date: 2 Oct 92 19:08:52 GMT
Organization: Bradley University

In <38875@sdcc12.ucsd.edu> gstecker@sdcc13.ucsd.edu (George Stecker) writes:
>	I am trying to track down a spurious rumor which an associate of mine 
>caught on a FIDONET echo somwhere regarding the Hauslabjoch Man, an ancient
>northern-european type whose body was found frozen and well-preserved 
>somewhere in or near Germany, I think.  The story was apparently carried in
>major newspapers worldwide.  The FIDONET rumor said that there was semen 
>found in the body's anal canal.  We have been unable to verify whether this
>is true or not.  Has anyone heard anything else regarding this subject?
>gstecker@ucsd.edu					jdfranz@mcimail.com

   Totally untrue.  Research soc.motss.  

   We all had a good laugh on this one.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: gypsy@alembic.acs.com (drunk in the snow with a gun)
Subject: i am losing my mind
Organization: and yer little dog, too
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 08:19:09 GMT




since i am an insomniac who works strange hours,
i generally attempt to sleep between 5 am and 1pm.
for the past two weeks, one or more of the following
has awoken me between 8 and 9 am:

jackhammer
cement truck
hammering plumber
loud mexican pop music
screaming neighbors
car alarm
high school marching band

...so i'm not at my sanest.  then i found out that
the gay black redneck i bought the car i previously
posted about is also a satanist, and that the
pentagram sticker on the window is a symbol of the
satanic clergy (i had assumed he was just some sort
of pagan).  anyway, i figured it couldn't hurt to 
take the sticker off, which i did, and right away
i felt better about the car.  i decided to keep it.
so this morning i went to the DMV and registered it.
my plates are "PYQ 666".

i'm taking it to a priest on sunday.

m
-- 
"...at night they lurk outside the tall barrier staring with curious
 wild eyes into the flat field, feeling cheated." -- Beryl Markham
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra)
Subject: Der Kitty picks a new spot
Organization: t.b
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 18:49:31 GMT


     Woe is me, I'm doomed.  Der Kitty has picked
a new spot, and once again it's right next to my
pillow on the bed.  She's picked that spot before.

     You see, Der Kitty picks a new spot every three
or four months.  All of a sudden she just wakes up
one fine morning and decides that it's a good day to
change spots, and then she moves to another spot.

     Her spot for the last couple of months was in
a corner on the couch.  Then she moved to a stack of
old newspapers in paper bags (two bags worth), but
I foolishly took the newspapers to a recycling bin.
Now instead of having a minor eyesore in one corner
of the room for the next few months, I have Der
Kitty in my face every night for the next few months.

     Now that Der Kitty's settled on a new spot,
there's nothing I can do for the time being.  I can
either move further over on the bed and wait a few
months until the next fine day comes along when she
decides to find a new spot, or I can go to bed every
night and say "Der Kitty, that's not your spot,
that's my spot" and move her and then have her come
back in five minutes, kick her out again, have her
come back in five minutes, etc., all night for a few
months until the next fine day comes along when she
decides to find a new spot.

     And to make matters worse, in another few
weeks it's going to be cold again outside at night
and Der Kitaen will be due for her annual sudden
realization that, hey, maybe I'm more than just
a meal ticket to be visited for ten minutes every
evening at dinner time and then to be yelled at to
get my fucking butt up off the couch and over to
the door so she can flush *my* fucking toilet and
get the hell back outside where the action is.

     Fortunately, though, at least Der Kitaen
prefers the bottom of the bed rather than the top.

--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.asu.edu
From: reese@vax.oxford.ac.uk
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: DATE CALCS (mon - sun)
Date: 29 Sep 92 11:42:35 GMT
Organization: Oxford University VAX 6620

In article <1a590lINNt5b@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>, al037@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Dave Polewka) writes:
> 
> 
>>####################################################################
>>   mmddyy                       .   backwards
>>             2                  .           
>>   092892 = 2 x 3 x 7741        .   298290 = 2 x 3 x 5 x 61 x 163 
>>####################################################################

Right, that's it Polewka. Not only do you make appalling anagrams of
my userid, but you insist on posting datecalcs after being expressly
forbidden twice from even being *seen* in public.  There can be only one
punishment .... prepare to meet your doom ....

Ace
From: curtis@cs.berkeley.edu (Curtis Yarvin)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Frightening Halloween ideas wanted
Date: 6 Oct 1992 20:22:08 GMT
Organization: CS Dept. Snakepit - Do Not Feed.
NNTP-Posting-Host: adder.cs.berkeley.edu

hell is a small room
with two dingy but comfy armchairs
and no windows.

that was not haiku.
do not bother to count the
syllables.

your visitors are strangers.
people you do not know, have never met,
and would probably not like if you had.

sit in one chair
and sit the visitor in the other.
stare at him for an hour.

c
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: hamlet@ravel.udel.edu (Chris Adams)
Subject: Carpal Tunnel II
Organization: University of Delaware
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 00:49:20 GMT

So my friend was driving with his co-workers
into new york one morning and his car, a 
frail gob-o-shit at its best, decided to 
break down smacko in the middle of the lincoln
tunnel.

traffic was backed up for hours and angry
motorists drove by screaming and honking. 
eventually, a particularly angry young penis-
chef by the name of andre who was late for
work, had forgotten to pay his rent, move
his furniture and submit his hours on time
and was just a little too exasperated with
his job roasting penes on a spit (the job
description had said spitting on roasted
penes), squashed my friend flat...
like a dot.

thus rendering him.
From: chrisl@predator.sybase.com (Xian the Drive)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: hint
Date: 2 Oct 92 18:55:21 GMT
Organization: FREEDMAN'S ALL-ACOUSTIC PEEN CHOIR.

In article <5251@balrog.ctron.com>, mattb@ctron.com (Matt Brown) writes:
|> (Curtis Yarvin) writes:
|> 
|> 
|> Matt
|> My favorite character name of all time was Hideo Gump


Didn't he suffer from flushing, blushing, running of the mouth, high stool,
	seat cramps, delayed borgarigmas, and shortness of pants?

Or was it just that he couldn't sleep at home?


YOURS TRULY,

THE LITTLE CHROMIUM SWITCH
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: PJF4081@CC.UTAH.EDU (big daddy hate box)
Subject: Re: RACIST
Followup-To: talk.bizarre,misc.misc,misc.jobs.offered,rec.pets
Summary: nothing of interest here
Keywords: hate
Reply-To: big daddy hate box
Organization: xenophobes of utah
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 92 15:57:19 GMT
X-News-Reader: VMS NEWS 1.24

In <1992Sep28.000149.10847@walter.cray.com> jcarroll@ferris.cray.com writes:

% 
% carasso turns soft in his oldbie age:
% 
% >2) Telling a racial joke does not make one a racist.  It makes one a
% >comedian.  People seem to have a hard time understanding this.  If the
% 
% In quite a few cases, it makes one neither. People seem to have a hard
% time understanding this.


	jeff, are you trying to make friends with carasso? how cute!

	PJF--->Biochem. grad student.
					React with this!
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: pv@gagme.chi.il.us (Paul Vader)
Subject: A workable definition of annoyance
Summary: *How* many articles?!?
Originator: pv@gagme
Organization: Inline Software Creations
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 00:00:52 GMT

I am no longer using rn. Real programmers write their own newsreaders
(actually, real Systems Analysts write specs for their own newsreaders. The
operator of my site wrote the totally cool programs). Instead of having to
wade through messages with the 'n' key or write killfiles that take several
minutes to process, I get a nice tab-delimited file with info from the
message headers, which I download and pick from at leisure (read "when
nobody's looking"). I also get a newsgroup article summary (this part I
*did* write), and after taking two days off I see this:

Newsgroup            Articles
---------            --------
...
talk.bizarre              456
...

I ended up requesting less than 100 of this, and actually read through only
half of that (why rigler, whose posts I usually enjoy, posted more or less
the same article 5 times I would like to know. I would also like to know why
there are subtle differences between the versions). This is getting
intolerable. Since the TBSC seems to have headed for the hills, should I put
together an updated version of my tipsheet? For you poor kneebiters stuck
with rn, you can kill on the subject "FAQ: Tips for new readers" if you
don't want to read it but think it's a good idea. Drop me a note - rule 1 is
"following up is seldom bizarre". PV

P.S.  Note on followups to my previous post: As St. Terri pointed out, the
      stupid bridge scene in _Blues_Brothers_ wasn't filmed here. anyone
      attempting to jump one of our bridges would end up in the river after
      crashing into the bridge surface, because the pivot point doesn't line
      up with the road. When the bridge is up there's a 10 foot or better
      gap. The crane in the recent "accident" didn't fit and ended up jammed
      into this very gap. At least some of the car chases were filmed in
      Chicago, but they jumped all over the city in a most annoying manner.
      If I wanted to guarantee myself a place in everyone's killfile, I
      could tell you about even more continuity and geography problems in
      _running_scared_. Don't you hate people who do that? I sure do.
-- 
Paul Vader           Systems Analyst, semi-lurker, Rollerblader,
pv@gagme.chi.il.us   ex-Zen poet, FOAF, and bleeding-heart liberal
From: kontos@clipper.ingr.com (Thorne Kontos)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Rodent Brain Matrix (blades by Gillette)
Keywords: Or what to do with the RAT BASTARD after he's dead
Date: 6 Oct 92 20:39:26 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Intergraph Advanced Processor Division - Palo Alto, CA


     "The Rodent Brain Matrix is designed to aid the research
scientist in the free hand dissection of discrete sections of
the rodent brain. It allows the investigator to slice either 
coronal or sagittal sections through the brain at intervals as
small as 1mm.
      All Rodent Brain Matrix's are identical to insure
reproducible sections on a day-to-day, year-to-year, or
between laboratory basis.

      Now available for small and large rats. We now make
a Rodent Brain Matrix for the mouse and gerbil, too.

All rodents, all shapes, and all slices...$450.00 each

More good stuff from the Ted Pella catalog #8...

                                           Dissectingly yours,
                                            The "Cerebral" Lobster
From: sho@bohr.physics.purdue.edu (Sho Kuwamoto)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: asdf
Date: 1 Oct 92 22:57:14 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Physics Department

When I come back to t.b after having been gone for a while,
people invariably send me mail.  "Where have you been?"
they ask.

Let me try to stem the tide.

I have been doing nothing.
No news on the home front.
No personal news.
No news about work.
Nothing.

But it was a hell of a lot more exciting than t.b.

-Sho
--
sho@physics.purdue.edu <<-- "You fill me with inertia."
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: Re: direct quote
Organization: University of Central Florida
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 12:44:22 GMT

grendel@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Koschei the Deathless) writes:

>In article <1aqj9eINNnog@uwm.edu> terri@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (St Theresa of the Net) writes:
>*"Mark, were you aware that the world is going to end on the 22nd?"
>*
>*"THE WORLD CAN'T END. I'VE GOT FRONT ROW TICKETS FOR THE RAMONES!"

Any Ramones concert where there is such a thing as "front row seats"
is not worth attending.  Front row seats are what you _throw_ at a
Ramones concert.  But then, I've only attended four.

infidel
From: sho@bohr.physics.purdue.edu (Sho Kuwamoto)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: asdf
Date: 1 Oct 92 22:47:58 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Physics Department

It's amazing to me that plastic surgery remains a thriving
industry, what with Michael Jackson running around like an
elfin Frankenstein.

-Sho
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: fulton@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Ben Fulton)
Subject: Carpal Tunnel
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 16:51:09 GMT

"Damn, my wrists are hurting today."      "Why, too much time programming?"

"No."                                     "Throwing frisbees too much?"

"No."                                     "Then what?"

"I had to stuff envelopes at work today."  



ben - intellectually challenged

-- 
ben                                     fulton@silver.ucs.indiana.edu
 "A tight bunch of bastards who want to win while loving each other,
  if they don't destroy their knees first, or start sleeping with 
  each other's girlfriends." - Rigler, about Indiana Ultimate