Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: Who am I anyway?
From: pwiebe@ecst.csuchico.edu (s mandell)
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 13:17:59 GMT
Organization: California State University, Chico

In article <17886@acorn.co.uk> osmith@acorn.co.uk (Owen Smith) writes:

 
=I'm still trying to work out who I really am. I recently sent some
=email to someone, and then realised that it quite nicely expresses my
=current thoughts. It sounds a bit mercenary towards bi space on some
=ways, but as I've said before if it's me then it's me and I either
=have to change it or accept it but not hide from it. If anyone has
=any thoughts on this stuff, please go ahead and reply. The surprising
=thing is, there aren't many (any?) postings on soc.bi like this. Have
=you all got yourselves together or what? (Do people dislike me
=re-gurgitating my email?)
 
I found that I pretty much had to get myself together in order to
post to soc.bi in the first place.  I'll get into this later. As for
posting your email, *I* think this was fine, and
conventional.net.wisdom says just not to post or mail other people's
email to you, or crosspost other's posts without their permission.
 
=Anyway, the person I was talking to asked in what way soc.bi was
=helpful to me, since she'd felt a bit shunned and ignored when she
=posted here. My reply is below. Please tell me if I'm raving mad,
 
It is hard sometimes to feel like you fit in here.  I won't say it's
cliquey, but we do group up and have little 'exclusive' conversations
here.  I got lucky when I first posted (pre-Kevin and other muffin
pouncing):  I've got an annoying habit of not being able to say what
I mean all that clearly sometimes, and this makes people ask me what
it was I meant. (Plus I got followups from STella, who's opinion I
value, where is sie anyway?)  Other posts have been just fluff in the
first place, and hit someone's fun button (lekker pannekoeken, maar
geen poffertjes). My advise to your friend is that they try again,
we'll probably pay better attention when forewarned.
 
[description of what Owen has posted deleted]
 
=Ultimately I need to hang around lesbian or bi space anyway. Right
=now my best description of myself is "a lesbian trapped in a male
=body". So I need lesbians to go out with, but real hard core lesbians
=may be put off by a genetic male. Bisexual women seem like the best
=bet. They can love my female appearance and personality, and at the
=same time be quite happy getting sexual pleasure from my male sex
=organs. The fact that I'm a bit bisexual as well (I see the odd man
=now and then and think "I want to suck his dick" and similer things)
=makes bi space a doubly sensible place to hang out. I have acceptance
=as a TV, available and appropriate women, and can talk about (maybe
=act on?) my bisexuality. Of course this is all electronic at the
=moment and I need to make it real at some point, but never-the-less
=it's nice to feel that there is somewhere I can exist, be myself, and
=be happy all at the same time.
 
Nope, Owen, you're not raving mad.  Not perfectly normal either, but
then, I don't think anyone is.  I think your assesment of soc.bi as a
good place to hang out and be yourself is correct.  I don't have
another place in my life to be overtly bi at the moment because I
really don't have much of a life.  That (not having much of a life)
hurts more than anything else at the moment, and will be alleviated
once school starts, I hope (and how or if I'm going to be out there
is a whole nother story).
 
As for why I found I had to have myself together before I posted: I
guess I realised that no one was going to be able to tell me, "Yes,
you're bi", or, "No, you're straight".  I didn't need to ask that of
the group.  I find it takes a lot to put myself out here. I was
dealing with all kinds of things out of my childhood at the time, not
just my sexuality, when I was trying to decide whether I was bi or
not.  Forget about communicating coherently, I was just staying
stoned all day and crying at the drop of a hat 'for no reason'.
When I got that all together, I mostly just wanted some affirmation
that I was ok.  Hey, I was getting it before I posted anyway, just
reading here will get you that much.
 
You say these things above:
=I'm still trying to work out who I really am. [...]
=if it's me then it's me and I either
=have to change it or accept it but not hide from it.
 
What is it you're still trying to work out?  I realise it's hell to
think of 'dressing' in public, but it sounds like something you
want to do.  An operation?  Yes, you don't sound like you don't know
on that one yet, but we can't tell you, and I think you know that
already.  It's a pretty good attitude not to hide from what you're
dealing with.  Keep it up and I think you'll find your way all right.
 
=PS. You did not upset me when you called me "Gwen". It's just that
=I've realised that I want to be a woman called "Owen". I don't think
=it'll work though. Owen is not a female name. Bugger.
 
Well hell, I'll call you Owen no matter what.  It's good genderfuck
for the masses anyway.
 
Hugs,
 
S