From: anonymus+845@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: flashbacks
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 15:33:40 GMT

I have been having "dreams" or actually Flashbacks
because most of the time I am awake--  I really
dread going to sleep- but I also dread being awake-
would love to just stay in my bed and "hide away"


I am putting a ***spoiler***** here-

just in case you don't want to hear this

*****



*********









Ok, here goes.

I was out of work the past two days- sick to my stomach--  and 
really shaking-- I saw my shrink yesterday-- I had tried to cancedl
my appointment- because I told her I had the  flu-- then she asked
me if I had been having flashbacks-- and told me that she really wanted
to see me and let me talk to her-- so I went -- and I'm glad- because
my stomach still hurts-- but I feel a lot better

One flash back---I am around 8 or 9 years--- I don't know where my
mother is-- maybe at a detox center again. My father is drunk- he
is half american indian-- and he always looks fierce to me-- he is
holding me in his lap-- I think I am naked, because I can feel his
hands on my skin--- he keeps crying- kissing me-- reciting bible
verses -- crying more- touching me- telling me to be saved and not
to live the "bad life"  I want to get off his lap-- but everytime
I try to move-- he crys more -- begs me to let him "hold his little
girl"----I don't know where my 4 brothers are at this time-- my sister
I suspect must have been in the hospital again---  it is so strange-
this happened more than once-- this is the only attention and "affection"
I can remember my father EVER giving me.

One more flash back-- I always feel like throwing up when this one comes
to mind--- I am going into a bar & grill with my mother-  that is funny-
because usually we were just left on our own---  This place is awful-
dirty- the men in it are slimy--  she goes up to the bar-  where a couple
of men talk to her-- she nods her head at a man sitting in the booth- 
and he tells the bartended to give her all the drinks she wants- and
to bring me something to eat-- my mother tells me to go sit with the man
in the booth-- I don't want to  (I think I might be 9yr old)  she said
"now, go ahead, honey-- don't spoil things"  I never remember actually
sitting in the booth-  this is as far as I can remember--- but I think
she let this man molest me-- actually "sold" me for drinks.  This really
scares me-- but now I think I am starting to get angry -- I have been 
saying "the poor woman- how horrible for her, to be such an alcoholic,
that she would do anything to get the stuff"  Well not I think - the
fucking bithch!!!!  how could she do that to her own daughter!!  I would
KILL anybody that I thought was going to molest my children  and here
she was setting me up for it.    God, this put me in bed for 3 days
when I first had this flashback---I still can't get past walking towards
that booth and trying not to cry--

Thanks for listening

Linda

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