From: Jeremy_Reimer@mindlink.bc.ca (Jeremy Reimer)
Subject: It's N-Man #7! The 11th best way to annoy Netters!
Organization: MIND LINK! - British Columbia, Canada
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 09:12:46 GMT

How could I have possibly forgotten this in my top ten list.  Well, actually
it was accidentally on purpose.

And for those of you who are pleading: "For the love of Bob, please stop
now!" I reply: "I know, another fine job, and how!"

Send $20 donations, letter bombs, death threats, feminine underwear, etc to:
The N-Man Fan Club
c/o Jeremy Reimer
#204 3611 W. 16th (like you don't have this memorized by now)
Vancouver, BC
CANADA
V6R 3C3

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                            DISMOUNT! PICTURES
                  (a division of Discourse International)


                               Presents...


              The Adventures of:
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|     /\     |      ####    ##       ####  ####       ####       ####    ##
| ___///\    |     ## ##   ##       ## ## ## ##      ## ##      ## ##   ##(R)
|    00 |    |    ##  ##  ##       ##  ####  ##     ##  ##     ##  ##  ##
|    o  |'   |   ##   ## ##  ###  ##   ###   ##    #######    ##   ## ##
|     \/     |  ##    ####       ##    ##    ##   ##    ##   ##    ####
|    _||_    | ##     ###       ##           ##  ##     ##  ##     ###
|   / N  \   |##      ##       ##            ## ##      ## ##      ##
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   - "Ulp!"             The World's Greatest Super-Hero (tm)

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Copyright(C) 1992 By Jeremy Reimer, and the Infinite Number of Monkeys Group

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                                EPISODE VII

                 ------------------------------------------
                |   S   O   C   K      W   O   R   L   D   |
                 ------------------------------------------

                        "Smellie Would If She Could"


"Ulp," was all N-Man could think of to say.

True, he was stuck in a congruent universe disguised as a sock and about
to be thoroughly examined by a maniacal alien leader, but even under these
circumstances you might think our faithful hero might have come up with
something a little more coherent.

Wouldn't you know it, then, that in the little used Lint dialect of Sock
World, the utterance "Ulp" actually meant "Come on, even a fool knows
that if you put seven Liberals in a pot with Phil Donahue, you only end
up with a blarmy microwave oven."  Hardly a good start for Earth-Sock
World diplomatic relations.

"Egads!" the leader replied, (translation deleted due to lack of space
and reasonableness), "it's a hostile invader from a parallel universe!"

"Well, a congruent one actually," N-Man corrected.  "You see, parallel
ones don't intersect and..."

"Yes, spare me the geometry lesson, hideous flesh creature!" ["I always
wanted to say that," the creature mumbled softly.]  "You are coming with
me!"

"Why?"  It seemed like a good enough question.

"For your crimes against intelligence everywhere," replied the Sock
Leader, spittle flying from his clenched teeth.

N-Man took a step back.  That certainly hit him out of the blue, or in
this case, out of the Sock Bin.  Crimes against intelligence?  He'd
heard of crimes against humanity, against common decency, but THIS!  He
was honestly shocked.  For all these years he had thought he had rather
a good intelligence, above average at least, above Dan Quayle and
somewhere below Steven Hawking.  He hadn't ever actually taken an
intelligence TEST, per se (don't you hate it when people use 'per se' as
just mindless filler?) but considering the designers of intelligence
tests usually inhabited the evolutionary void between chimpanzees and
sea slugs, he didn't think he would have done that badly.

"Stop your incessant thinking, Earth wimp," the Great Sock said, nudging
him rather sharply in the ribs with a plunger.  "We have reached the
place of your trial."

"What, out here in the open?"

"Of course!  Closed dwellings are for those who shrink under pressure.
We in Sock World have realized that staying indoors merely produces
lazyness, which breeds contempt, which in tandem get together and
produce weathermen.  It's a fate we'd rather avoid."

"Um, yeah, sure," N-Man replied wittily.  "So where is my jury?"

The Sock laughed.  "It is your Earth custom to be tried by a jury of
your peers, unless you live in the inner city in which case you are
tried by a jury of people of greater socio-economic status.  But here,"
and he paused dramatically, "we couldn't be bothered to collect enough
soap scum to satisfy this condition."

N-Man realized he had been insulted, and rather badly at that.  "So who
hears my case?" he asked.

"I will be your judge, jury, and executioner," the off-white appendage
covering said, leaning back and laughing in a manner that N-Man found
strangely familiar.

"So," N-Man said, Bold(tm)ly, "are we going to get on with it, or are
you just going to stand there blabbering all day?"

The Sock Leader turned off-blue for a moment.  Then he calmed down and
produced a neatly typeset list from an invisible pocket.  "You are
hereby charged with six counts of being in the wrong newsgroup."

"That's it?" N-Man asked incredulously.

"No.  There's more than that, but that alone is enough for the death
sentence in Sock World.  There is an additional charge of one count of
unoriginality."

"Well that's a relief.  I thought I explained all this before."

"NOT TO ME YOU DIDN'T!  EXPLAIN YOURSELF OR DIE, HUMAN!"

"Well, it's a long story," N-Man said, because it was.  "It all began
fifteen to twenty billion years ago..."

(long history of the universe deleted)

"...and while doodling during an incredibly boring class of Physics 411,
he came up with the character of N-Man.  Now, nobody who could out-argue
a yellow octopus would ever suggest that the idea of a VERY unlikely
super-hero would be entirely original..."

"ENTIRELY??!  Entire legions of soap-sucking human scum have made their
livelihood from this very concept.  The Tick, for one.  Even those
irritating mutant turtles were once cool and slick and black and white.
What are you?"

"I'm white on black," N-Man replied, "I'm entirely electronic."

"So?"

"So, that's the difference right there.  If you think about it, nothing
really is COMPLETELY original at all.  There is only the synthesis of
old ideas into new forms.  We all know the old axiom that those that
can, do, and those that can't, teach.  Well, here's one of my own.
Those that can't synthesize, criticize.  Mine has the advantage of rhyme
structure and has more 'Z's in it.  Of course, many applaud as well as
criticize, and there is such a thing as constructive criticism, but for
that I'm afraid you will have to take my advanced course in solo
speaking: Soliloquies 301.  And that, my friend, is MY little speech."

Leader Sock was nonplussed, yet unimpressed.  One might say he was
nonminussed or nondivided or worse yet, noncommital, but in any case it
was a while before he spoke.

"Nope, not acceptable," he said finally, "we're going to execute you
anyway.  Prepare to suffer the agony of the CORDLESS SHAVER!"

A huge apparatus designed to remove unsightly wool "pills" was wheeled
out to the tune of "Here She Comes, Miss America" which was being played
rather monotonously on a large bass drum.

The crowd tensed.

"Gee," N-Man mused, "it would be nice if one of the ancient Greek gods
would suddenly appear to help me out of this mess."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Tired of life?
Looking for something a little more... PERMANENT?
Try Heaven(tm)!

Yes, with Heaven(tm) you'll have The Time Of Your Life(R) as you chat
incessantly and eternally with God(tm) and all those long-lost annoying
dead relatives you thought you never had to see again!

All it takes is one quick, easy, and FREE five-minute consultation with
The Man Upstairs(R), a simple, painless conversion to [Insert Your
Favorite Religion Here] and a quick blow on the head and You can be
There!

Short, greasy-haired Austrians need not apply.

AND NOW BACK TO N-MAN!

N-Man waited, but the Greek Gods were too busy watching TV to notice his
plight, so he had to get out of this one without dramatic crutches.
Fortunately, he had seen every single show of Star Trek: The Next
Generation and so he knew what to do.

"ONLY FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THE EPISODE!" he shouted.

"My Bob!" the Great Sock exclaimed, "how did time ever fly so fast?"

"Too many commercials," someone in the crowd muttered.

"Never mind! We've just realized that if we execute you we could be
invaded by a hostile army of Earth beings bent on revenge and a little
Bounce(tm).  So we offer our apologies, and ask that you not reveal the
secret of Sock World to anyone except maybe Timothy Leary, who we
wouldn't mind having around.  We shall open a portal in the Space-Time
Continiuim..Continuuimim..Continimimui.. er, the Space-Time Big Wavy Grid
Thing, and ask that you accept this yellow debating octopus as a token
of our appreciation, gratitude, undying love, and residuals for future
N-Man episodes.  Fare thee well!"

"I don't want your yellow octopus!" N-Man shrieked, but it was too late
as they were both falling through the Space-Time Giant Wobbly
Dis-Continuous Hard-to-Explain Fabric O' Reality, which had a really
neat blue streaky special effect which cost an inordinant amount of
money that could have been spent on acting lessons or better
scriptwriters.

Later, while N-Man was sharing a Blue with his yellow friend while
watching the Blue Jays' miracle comeback in Game #2 of the World Series,
he thought about his little adventure, and the scary fact that while
travelling the congruent universes he came dangerously close to
transcending reality in his current one.

"You know, Blue," he said, "I came closer to alt.slack there than I ever
had before, and it wasn't pretty."

"No, you didn't," the octopus said.

"Yeah, well, maybe you're right.  Some days it's not easy being a
super-hero.  Everyone expects you to succeed, and sometimes you don't.
Then what happens?  Nobody buys your comics anymore, the tabloids are
full of lies about your personal life, and your agent won't even speak
to you.  You know, it's days like this that make me think about hanging
up the old cape and retiring for good."

WILL N-MAN REALLY RETIRE?  OR WILL HE SIMPLY RE-TIRE THE N-MOBILE?
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF N-MAN!

AND HERE ARE SOME SCENES FROM NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE!

"A Kumquat is not a fruit, it's a Middle-Eastern country!"

"Quick! Increase the bandwidth!  I'm losing my connection!"

"It just makes you want to toss the entire Oreo(R) factory."

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Closing notes:  Yeah it's once a week from now on, folks.  Like it _really_
matters in the greater, cosmic, er, what was I talking about?

N-Mailings:  up to date!  Wow!

Relevance of N-Man to alt.slack:  Well, none of course.  And that's the
entire POINT!  Sheesh!  You guys dense or what??  Don't even get the whole
purpose of your own religion... it's sad...

N-Man's future:  Well, obviously the retiring bit is just cheap cliffhanging
nonsense.  Duh! (What a great word that is)

Quality of N-Man:  hmm, well, it's like this on PURPOSE.  Firstly, I try to
write them as quickly as possible, so I can have time for serious
procrastination on other matters.  But careful readers will notice a minute
increase in quality with each release.  Only measureable with precise
scientific instruments, but still...

General observations:  This has to be my favorite newsgroup.  Full of people
proudly declaring their individuality by playing along with the Popular
Fad(tm) and Saying What Everyone Else Is Saying So They Won't Think I'm A
Pink Gosh Wouldn't That Be Terrifying.  Like _I_ care if I'm pink, Pink,
Pink(tm) or a full-fledged member of the Con(tm).

Notes on these notes:  Personally, I love it when authors (not that I can
reliably claim to be one) put in a whole lot of off-the-top-of-their-head
ramblings and musings at the beginning or end of their works.

Notes on my general obstinance and annoyance:  TOUGH!  You can't have it both
ways.  The moment I suggested removing N-Man from here my mailbox got flooded
with pleas (well, urgent requests anyway) _not_ to do so.  Of course, it did
generate a lot of free publicity.  I'm still open to suggestions for
alternate newsgroups to cross-post to.

Notes on the increasing length of these notes:  HELP!  I CAN'T STOP! <whack>
NO IT'S NO USE! WE NEED MORE!  "And did those feet, in ancient times..."
Whew, that was a close one.

Additional notes:  Did you know that this message is costing the Net
hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to send?  Are you sure you want to do
this? (y/n)

A final note:  These notes are fun.


--
Jeremy_Reimer@ |"It turned out, as N-Man discovered later, that the black
mindlink.bc.ca | boat hadn't been after him at all.  It was full of riotous,
---------------| unemployed former James Bond villains enraged at the fall
aka THE JAGUAR!| of Communism in the Soviet Union."
---------------|
Stealth Sig#69 |  --From "N-Man #3: N-Man on Holiday"

Newsgroups: alt.slack