From: mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: confusion... what is fair?
Organization: Purdue University SVM
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:29:42 GMT

well. wow. I am so confused that I can barely think straight...
I talked to my xSO, who I posted about saying those things to me...
actually, we talked via computer because I am afraid to see him.  I
have a tendancy to react violently when angry... but I talked to him
because the violence was comsuming me and  I *HAD* to know what he
really meant.

for so long, he was the most sensitive person I knew.  When I would
have a flashback when we were in bed, he would as ME to hold HIM
(Mainly because I would pull away from him because I felt like I was
drity and wrong and didn't want to contaminate him. we talked about it
and he said he needed me then too, to know that I wasn't blaming him)

he said he didn't mean it the way it sounded and that he doesn't know
why he said it. until he does, I don't want to see him at all. we were
both angry and he had been drinking. I don't know what to think or
what to do. he doesn't want me back, but I feel I have to get this
resolved because I don't want to be in this situation again.

Was I remaking him to fit what I expected? Abuse and coldness? or was
he fitting my expectation because it is hard to do anything else. I
know I have a strong, overpowering at times, personality. And yet, a
low self-esteem.

I love him, but that isn't enough. And, he has his own issues to deal
with. I think I portrayed him in a horrible light, when he is human
and even tho he didn't suffer sexual abuse, his family tended to have
very little communication.
he did try... and he lasted longer than any of my previous lovers...

I don't know. I am confused about what I can do. THe violence is gone
for now, but I am still angry. I keep trying to think if there is
anything he could do... and I can't find it...

he says it is so hard to watch me suffering and hurting that even tho
he cares, he can only sit idly by... I can understand that. to enter
the nightmares is hard for my therapist... I don't think I could watch
him go thru it... and yet, it is harder for me...

he doesn't want to get back together. and I don't either. but I am
also angry because I keep thinking, I might be a normal person who
could love without all this bullshit if my abusers hadn't abused me.

I go to counseling more to prevent me from ever doing this to someone
else than to save myself. we hear a lot, or at least I do, about how
a sexual abuse victim will never be totally healed.  that depresses
me.

how do you get past the games and trials that you were taught as a
child...

I was asked to imagine how my life would be different if this hadn't
happened. I don't even know how. it started before my memories
started... how can I suppose that? and if I did, I would probably
become so violent that I couldn't control it... (I am working on
controlling the violence and finding positive outlets for my anger.)

when I get angry and violent, I call a friend. for a long time, I
directed the punishments at myself. I would eat to get fat... I would
claw at my legs... now, I scream and talk to someone who will listen.
it tends to calm me down away from the violent side.

I seem to be posting a lot lately, and i hope these aren't hurting
anyone... I don't know what to do about my xSO, about my life, about
my anger....

but, ithink I will go work out at the corec on campus. physical
exhersion tends to get some of the anger out....

thanks to all of you for listening....
-brandywine


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