From: jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu (Mike Jittlov)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: Re: The Thing In The Tube
Date: 12 Dec 1992 15:06:32 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
NNTP-Posting-Host: gumby.cs.caltech.edu
Keywords: green.   bright green.  large eyes.  squidlike handling palps.


David Potter writes:
|On the subject of mailing tubes........
|Subsequent to Mike's somewhat negative and querulous comments about
|what he implied might have been overzealousness on my part, in terms
|of the way I wrapped the thing in the first place.......
|Well, it turns out the man is rather more subtle, devious, and
|perverted than even WE had given him credit for;  herewith, my
|report on What I Got In The Mail:
|
|I noticed the P.O. box's outside paint was peeling and smoking a bit,
|in spots, and my mind's eye flashed to the Ark of the Covenant, in the
|ship's hold, burning its shipping crate from the inside.

An apt analogy.  A Kelly Freas Poster is far beyond ordinaire.

|As I pulled it out, the unearthly emerald light spread throughout the
|post office.  Everything shifted toward the green.  Things began to move
|in stop-motion pixilation; a young girl on the outside steps could be
|seen, arms extended to her sides, swooping in circles above the pavement.
|Grown men, executives by their clothing, began riding around on their
|briefcases. Strips of stamps began to unwind from the dispensing machines
|and dance in formation on the floor.

Gol' - I hope your filmmaker father caught this on tape!  It's always
fun to watch, and could probably win a little money on those Sunday
Night Video shows.

|I hurried to my car, hiding the mailing tube under my jacket.  I noticed
|the jacket had turned green, and the upholstery and paint job on the car
|followed suit within a block or two.  Stop signs turned kelly green as I
|passed. ---- It was like being magically transported to Ireland.

I'm currently working on the Norway Effect.  Watch for it.

|and brought in the block and tackle I use to pull my VW out of
|snowbanks.... Hmm.  Some kind of mysterious tendril, apparently fixed
|to the inside of the cap, retreating into the mailing tube.......

Oh no...    :(

|An hour or so with a two-horse drill, a masonry bit ---- I was able to
|extract the inside tube from the outer tube.  The dull, booming "THOMP!"
|sound echoed hollowly as the interior tube pulled free.  Ah - HAH....
|It hadn't been a hallucination.  There *was* something adhering to the
|inside tube, and it looked for all the world like part of one of the
|subterranean creatures from "TREMORS."

Oh, RATS.   8(

|I might have known that Mike would have pets from all kinds of neat
|movies.  I looked into the end of the outer tube, and could see

David, I hate to tell you this...      8@

|just for a second....an eye blinked open.  I was momentarily paralyzed
|by the sight of a luminous green eye that must have been three inches
|in diameter.   Something whipped out of the tube, barely missing my
|face, grabbed the end cap, and *SNAP*ped it back into place.

Excuse me, I have to make some urgent phonecalls--

|I tried surgical scalpels.   The strange fabric tape took the edge
|right off a matched set of Wilkinson Number Fives that normally only
|need re-sharpening once every two to three thoracic procedures.
|Obediently, the last layer of tape uncurled itself and rolled off
|the end of the tube.  It retreated quietly to a corner, where it stood

Yes, yes - this is called "Gaffer Tape", and is perfectly safe if kept
away from walls, windows, paper, plaster, paintings, and anything
with a surface.  Keep this CLOSE BY - you will NEED it, soon.

|I opened the Inner Tube.  VOILA.  A beautifully-registered Kelly Freas
|print, loaded with subliminals and unconscious sexual triggers and all
|kinds of neat stuff, including a beautifully-composed Jittlograph.
|I just have a few questions.  What is the Thing In The Outer Tube?

You don't want to know.  Not yet.

|I notice the Outer Tube...seems to be working its way toward my bedroom.

Ohmyghod, that's a SURE indication!  Bolt the bedroom door!!
Don't let anyone near the couch!!  And - this is EXTREMELY important
- DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING!!!

I'll get right back to you - promise!!

--Mike Jittlov (!!)