HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: ac873@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Thomas Kimball)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.sex
Subject: Adult Smilies
Date: 29 Dec 1992 13:59:43 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Reply-To: ac873@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Thomas Kimball)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc4.ins.cwru.edu


These were posted or given to me some time ago.  I take no credit, myself,
and if I knew who to give credit to, I would.  Enjoy:

   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 
I've devised a new type of smilie, to raise the efficieny of communications
on the Usenet:
        
      :-)  -:      Smilie with an erection.
        
      :-) 8  -     Female.
        
      :-| 8( )-    Pregnant Female.
        
      :-(   :-     Impotent (Or let down).
        
      :-)   -8     Blue balls.
        
      ;-)  o===8   Braggart.
        
      :-\  8o      After a cold shower.
        
      ;-)   ===8   Circumcised.
        
      8-O  --*     Just before doubling over with pain.
        
      :-)  -^-:    In need of some corrective surgery.
        
      :-)  :-...   Taking a leak.
        
      :-}  -oo-:   Taking matters into hand.
        
      :-{  -__-:   After slamming the toilet seat.
        
      :-o  ^^^^:   After zipping up fly too fast.
        
        
        Now that we've seen them, let's learn how to use them:
        
      >> Newsgroup: alt.singles
      >>
      >> Hi.  I'm new to this group.  I'm a very well endowed guy    ;-) o===8 
      >> and am looking for a girl with large hooters        :-) 8   -
      >> to have wild, uninhibited sex with.             :-0==8
      >
      > Look, mister, you obviously are just some desparate geek     :-)  -8
      > trying to relieve yourself over the Usenet.  I'd hate to     :-O -oo-:
      > think of what would happen if someone walked in on you.      :-{ ^^^^:
      > In fact, you're probably just mastering the simplest tasks
      > of managing your "manhood".           :-)  :-....   -->  :-{  -__-:
        
    Eventually, of course, we could communicate entirely with these smilies,
    and eliminate the bulky overhead of words, such as the following:
        
      >>> Newsgroup: alt.single
      >>>  :-) o===8  +  :-) 8  -  ?      (Proposition)
      >>   :-o  -8   --> :-o -oo-: !      (Alternative suggestion)
      >    :-o  --*               (Ooh.  That hurt)
        
    And, of course, Flames:
        
       :-( :  -    (You call those breasts?  I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal!)
       :-0===8     (Oh yeah?  I bet that you...)
       :-(   :-    (Not with you I don't!)
        
    I hope that these smilies will lead to more open communications between
    people on the Net.  :-)  --:
    
    


Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: atkins@mksol.dseg.ti.com (William A Atkins)
Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers
Organization: Texas Instruments
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 18:55:59 GMT

My favorite, courtesy of George Carlin:

HONK if your horn is broken.

Billy Atkins
From: corsair@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (Gregory Pius)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Womanist Humor - offensive to men [sexual] (rot 13)
Keywords: male put-down
Date: 31 Dec 92 17:22:39 GMT
Organization: Cybernet BBS, Boca Raton, Florida

andy@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (andy.russo) writes:

> 
> 	Svefg Jbzna: Jung qb lbh pnyy n qevc ng gur raq bs lbhe cravf?
> 	Frpbaq Jbzna: N zna.
> 
> Naql (Fbzr Bs Zl Orfg Sevraqf Ner Zra) Ehffb

Huh?

I dun't geht it...


Opinions expressed are my own.______________________________________________
			     |
Gregory Pius		     | (305)-970-7353..........................Voice
Account Manager		     | (305)-970-7351............................FAX
METRO LINK INCORPORATED	     | greg@metrolink.com...................Internet
2213 West McNab Road	     | Home of Metro Xv  Real-Time-Video-in-a-window
Pompano Beach, Florida 33069 | and Metro X11: the 133,000+ Xstones X-server!
_____________________________|______________________________________________
From: bruce@godzilla.swdc.stratus.com (Bruce Overby)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Don't Read Me. Only a test...
Date: 31 Dec 92 01:37:58 GMT
Organization: Stratus Computer, Inc., San Jose, CA

In article <1992Dec17.140402.28794@spock.UUCP> ramirez@spock.uucp (Andreas Orphanides) writes:
>In article <Bz3xA2.Hs8@news.ucs.mun.ca> jfarrell@morgan.ucs.mun.ca (James Farrell) writes:
>>In article <702.9212101345@thor.cf.ac.uk> scocjk@thor.cf.ac.uk (Christopher Kyle) writes:
>>>In article <1992Dec8.185407.15398@Princeton.EDU> sguha@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (Saumyen Guha) writes:
>>>|In article <61190004@acf3.NYU.EDU> wut@acf3.NYU.EDU (Tom Wu) writes:
>>>|>/* acf3:rec.humor / mwasserm@diana.cair.du.edu (MARC Y. WASSERMAN) / 10:42 am  Dec  7, 1992 */
>>>|>In article <ByvLyF.MBt@news.ucs.mun.ca> jfarrell@morgan.ucs.mun.ca (James Farrell) writes:
>>>|>>In article <1992Dec6.212621.12609@spock.UUCP> bane@spock.uucp (Cameron Huang) writes:
>>>|>>>In article <184434@pyramid.pyramid.com> vkhare@misdev.mis.pyramid.com (Vilas Khare) writes:
>>>|>>>>.this is a test message, please ignore.
>>>|>>>You are a dork, and your post's a bore.
>>>|>>That's not very nice. You're just being sore.
>>>|>Perhaps he's ironic, and wants some more.
>>>|>Quit dancing around, and let's get to the core.
>>>|As if , you are talking to a whore!
>>>He knows that, he knows the score.
>>What the hell are we doing this for?
>two months on the last one, let's go fo four!
Cascades for a life? That's totally poor!

-------------------------------------------------
Bruce Overby
Stratus Computer, Inc.
San Jose, CA


"Get at dem beans!"  -- Hoss Cartwright

My opinions may not reflect those of my employer.
--------------------------------------------------
From: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: country western music
Date: 22 Dec 92 12:07:25 EST
Reply-To: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>
> What do you get when you play Country Western music backwards?
>
>
> Your dog comes to life,
> Your wife comes back to you,
> and your pickup truck starts.

AS/  You sober up,
  /  You get a decent job.

Two more,  
You don't get run over by a train.
Your dog leaves you.

               Frank in White Plains NY
---
  1st 1.01 #710  Trains don't kill people, Grade crossings do.
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host
From: rwr@uis.co.za (Richard Ramsden)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: cows... you want them?  I've got them!!!!
Date: 23 Dec 92 09:55:02 GMT
Organization: Unix Information Systems (Pty) Ltd (UIS)
Disclaimer: #include <disclaimer.h>


Two cows you seem to have missed out on ...


                              |
                              |
                              |
                              |(push)
                              |     
           (__)               |=====|
           (==)                      \
          /-\/-\                      \
         /|    |\                      \
        ^ |    | ^====~~~~====          \
          |    |                         \
          /----\                          \
         /    \ \                          O O                 O O
        ^      * ^                          ===               / /
                                             \ \          (__) /
    Cow-abunga Dudes                          \ \         (xx)/
                                               \ +--------+\//
                                                \|        | /
                                                 +--------+

                                      Cow-a-bungee
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: tim@iss.nus.sg (tim poston)
Subject: karmic catering
Keywords: original, chuckle

________________________________________________________________________________
Flash!!!!   Flash!!!!   Flash!!!!   Flash!!!!   Flash!!!!   Flash!!!!   Flash!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

                      Opening soon on this site

                     NAL'S FULL-KARMA RESTAURANT

                           we cook meat
                           but you have
                            to kill it
                             yourself


           Specialities:
               Fresh-throttled hamster
               Tender live octopus (best with Korean red-pepper sauce)
               Raw Oysters
               Live monkey brain, scooped from the skull
               Tap a cow for blood, Maasai style
               Drop your live lobster in boiling water


           Steak lovers!  Ask about our slaughtering pool.



       Never abandon a pet when you go on holiday!
                                               Eat it here before you go.


            Note: we do not countenance cannibalism
               (with the obvious exception ---
               but who'd want to eat a lawyer?)

________________________________________________________________________________
 Eat here once, you'll return many times: next life, on the menu. That's karma.

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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: druid@inuxy.att.com
Subject: MIL-specs
Keywords: smirk


A friend introduced me to the spec he tells his machine shop to use:

   MIL-TD41 (make it like the f*&%ing drawing for once).

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Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: KSTE@vm.cc.purdue.edu ( Kerry Stephenson)
Subject: Oh Tipper's Tree, Oh Tipper's Tree
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

Q.  How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?

A.  On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

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Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 5:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Barrios Technology @ NASA/JSC, Houston
From: bmears@gothamcity.jsc.nasa.gov (Brad Mears [BARR])
Subject: Company Loyalty
Keywords: smirk, offensive

V urneq guvf sebz n pbjbexre.  Ur fnlf vg vf byq, ohg V'ir arire urneq vg.

Jr jrer gnyxvat nobhg fbzr punatrf va pbecbengr cbyvpl gur bgure qnl jura
ur bofreirq :

	"V ybir guvf shpxvat pbzcnal naq gurl ybir shpxvat zr."

-- 
Oenq Zrnef
ozrnef@tbgunzpvgl.wfp.anfn.tbi

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DON'T ASK ME.  You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
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Date: Sun, 3 Jan 93 6:35:01 EST
From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: New video game: PackMan
Keywords: topical, topical, original, funny
Date: 25 Dec 92 17:20:04 GMT


     New from Ninnuendo - the PackMan (tm) game cartridge!  Based on a
familiar arcade game, this game finds the head of Senator Bob Packwood
greedily munching bags of PAC money while being chased by a band of
liberals.  Upon munching the magic bottle of booze, the liberals turn
into woman secretaries.  See Bob chase them around desks!  Bonus points
on catching them.  But beware of level 20, where they turn on him!  On
level 21, the liberals turn into members of the Ethics Committee!  Though
they may be even easier to evade, the booze bottles no longer work.
     You'll have hours of fun being as evasive as Bob Packwood.  Excellent
for the would-be Congressman.


     Robert Ankeney

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Date: Sun, 3 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hobson@pipper.enet.dec.com (232)
Subject: Seminars for Women ...
Keywords: chuckle

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN: 

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital
status.  Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of
the following courses is not mandatory. 

1.  Combatting the Impulse to Nag
2.  You Can Change the Oil Too
3.  PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother's
4.  How to Fill a Beer Mug
5.  We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
6.  Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
7.  How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
8.  Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone
    Other Than Him to Boss Around
9.  How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
10. Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right
12. You, the Whining Sex
13. Reasons to Give _ _ _ _  _ _ _ S
14. How to Stay Awake During Sex
15. Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
16. Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
17. #101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
    #102 It's OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
18. If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
19. How to Close the Garage Door
20. If You Don't Want an Excuse, Don't Demand an Explanation
21. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
22. How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
23. Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank 
24. Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
25. How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
26. Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won't Ruin Your Brain
27. How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
28. You Too Can Carry a Backpack
29. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who
    Complain About You the Most
30. Apologizing for Farting When You're On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
31. The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
32. Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel

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Date: Fri, 1 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: kai@nada.kth.se (Kai-Mikael Jaeae-Aro)
Subject: Hospital signs
Keywords: smirk

On the way to the maternity ward at S|dersjukhuset, I noticed it's
right beside the emergency ward, the latter which is marked with a
large sign: "Accidents".

I wonder how many parents-to-be enter the wrong door?

--
Kai-Mikael J{{-Aro	email:  kai@nada.kth.se	    
IPLab	 		voice:  +46 8 790 91 05	
NADA, KTH		fax:    +46 8 790 09 30
S-100 44  Stockholm	telex:  812 6154 7052 SICS
SWEDEN			teletex:2401-812 6154 7052=SICS


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Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: cortesi@helium.informix.com (David Cortesi)
Subject: Leisure Lawsuit Larry 
Keywords:  topical, original, sexual, smirk


Larry Michels, CEO of the Santa Cruz Operation, has resigned
amid charges of routine sexual harrassment of female employees
(San Jose Mercury News, 12/22/92), causing us to take a new look
at some of the standard commands distributed with SCO UNIX:

	look
	tty
	touch
	tail
	grep
	awk
	sh
	date
	sed -no
	unzip
	nice
	biff

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Date: Sun, 3 Jan 93 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: 
From: leech@cs.unc.edu (Jon Leech)
Subject: AUTOEXEC?
Keywords: smirk, computers


    After the 3rd or 4th consecutive daily crash of one of our
critical (and incredibly flaky) DECservers, the following was posted
to a local newsgroup by a frustrated user:

    As a friend once said, "If the car industry behaved like
    the computer industry over the last 30 years, a Rolls-Royce would
    cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up once a year killing
    all passengers inside."

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Date: Thu, 24 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Jim Fouch's Sleepy Hollow BBS,  Beverly Hills, CA (310) 859-9334
From: tim.quinn@sleepy.wlk.com (Tim Quinn)
Subject: Truth is Strange
Keywords: topical, smirk


        Has anyone else noticed that an administration famous for trying
    to make minced meat of our rights recently appointed to Secretary of
    State a man named Eagleburger.
                           

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Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 6:35:01 EST
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: billk@hawk.cs.ukans.edu (Bill Kinnersley)
Subject: How to Tell if Your Kid Watches Sesame Street Too Much
Keywords: original, chuckle

Ten Top Ways to Tell if Your Kid is Watching Too Much Sesame Street


10) Always pointing out that "one of these things is not like the others".

9) Knows everybody in the neighborhood, and what they do, and can sing
   a little song about it.

8) Whenever running or jumping, is trailed by six afterimages.

7) Checks under garbage cans for furry legs.

6) Eats an entire box of cookies (including the box) in less than a minute.

5) Insists that pigeons have fascinating personalities.

4) Complexion starting to resemble terrycloth.

3) Laughs and counts during thunderstorms.

2) Feels sorry for frogs because they are green.

1) Thinks that letters and numbers sponsor TV programs.


--Bill Kinnersley
  billk@hawk.cs.ukans.edu
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Date: Thu, 24 Dec 92 12:20:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Evil Knievel's Latest Stunt
From: ucarnie@socrates.umd.edu (Arnie Unger)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive

Did you hear about Evil Knievel's latest stunt?

He's going to ride across Somalia with a sandwich strapped
to his back.

--Arnie Unger

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From: osycs@giac1.oscs.montana.edu (Craig Spannring)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Honest Woman
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 22 Dec 92 00:30:02 GMT
Organization: Montana State Univ, Bozeman


After living with this girl for about 2 years I finally
decided to make an honest woman out of her.  Now does 
anyone know where I can pick up some sodium penathol?


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Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 19:30:17 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: erik@ker.xenos.org
Subject: Father of the Brood 
Keywords: smirk, sexual

This joke came from a discussion I had with one of my patients (I am a
nurse).

I was discussing children with a man who had six children.  I commented
that five of his children were girls.

"Why, that was easy," he said.  "I had the pattern beneath me the whole
time."
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Date: Thu, 31 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ssouth@hpsidth.sid.hp.com (Steve South)
Subject: Wouldn't you rather drive a Buick?
Keywords: chuckle

In trying to find a solution to its economic woes, the US has been ignoring
strategies that have proved useful in Europe. When the wool industry in
England was in recession hundreds of years ago, decrees were passed that, when
you died, you had to be buried in a woollen shroud. A similar thing was done
in France with linen.

So, Americans, the answer is simple. Pass a law requiring people to be buried
in Buicks. Not only does it stimulate the economy, but it gets the $#@!@
things off the roads. 

Steve South - HP Scientific Instruments Division


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Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 12:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: a redneck's 12 days of Christmas
From: ndd@sunbar.mc.duke.edu (Ned Danieley)
Keywords: topical, smirk


Heard 12/22 on a Greensboro, NC, radio station; attributed to Randy
and the Rednecks.


On the nth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 pack of Bud,
11 wrasslin' tickets,
tin of Copenhagen,
9 years probation,
8 table dancers,
7 packs of Red Man,
6 cans of Spam,
5 flannel shirts,
4 mud-grip tires,
3 shot-gun shells,
2 hunting dogs,
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Ned Danieley (ndd@sunbar.mc.duke.edu)
Basic Arrhythmia Laboratory
Box 3140, Duke University Medical Center
Durham, NC  27710
(919) 660-5111 or 660-5100

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