From: anon-1531@twwells.com (Stella Rico)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: relationships
Date: 3 Jan 93 15:17:17 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

>>I'm so disappointed I don't know what to do.  and I don't know what to do 
>>with myself... I feel like giving up on finding anybody because it's so 
>>much work and noone seems to fit the bill.. 
>>Phoenix
 
>well, from my personal experience, i would say go ahead and give up!  this
>looking for love stuff is hard work, i remember!  i got so tired of rejection,
>so tired of the longing for people who longed for other people

  I agree wholeheartedly.  For myself, I have found it impossible to be happy 
WITH someone until I could be happy with myself and by myself.  It had nothing 
to do with the other person, it had to do with me expecting someone else to 
'make me happy', which is impossible.  I was plagued with self-doubt and deep 
internal shame and fear and pain.  Noone alive can remove that from me, make 
me truly forget and trust and feel love again.  that only became possible for 
me after I exorcised my own demons and found peace on my own.

  I still struggle with intimacy.  I still have irrational responses to things 
my boyfriend does.  I am still hurt a little too easily by things that weren't 
meant to hurt me.  But I face those things daily and try to love myself gently 
and grow at my own pace.

  Nobody has ever said that this is easy.  But the nice thing about taking 
control of your own happiness is just that- you are in charge.  You don't have 
to wait for another person to be content and loving to you.  You can define 
your own needs and set about meeting them.  And rest assured that you will not 
be alone.  Someone who is gentle and loving to themselves is someone that 
people feel comfortable around, and someone who attracts others to share their 
company.

>no one says you *have* to be attached to an s.o.  

  Don't forget this.  Actually, let me qualify this.  Lots of people who are 
not very kind, secure, or enlightened will tell you that you can't function 
without having another person glued to you.  Don't listen to them.  Nobody who 
truly cares about you would ever wish such dependance on you.  You can be 
complete, whole, and very effective by yourself.  After all, I don't think 
Mother Theresa ever had a S.O. and look at how much she accomplished. :-)
I am not suggesting you join a convent, though.

>you're not any less of a person for being single.  

  Absolutely.

>maybe it was just luck or maybe something in my attitude (desperation?) changed
>when i gave up looking, because that's when i found my s.o.  

  Me too.  And it happened very out-of-the blue.

>so take care of yourself.  there tends to be someone out there for everyone, 
>and i'm sure you're no exception.  they'll turn up sometime.

  Yes!  Take very very good care of you and the rest will fall into place.

  Good luck, strength, and courage.

  Stella

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ANON-Name:Stella Rico
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