From: terry@ithaca.Eng.Sandy.Novell.COM (Terry Lambert)
Newsgroups: sci.med
Subject: Jarvik 99 (was Magnetic Therapy)
Date: 19 Aug 92 21:29:28 GMT
Organization: Novell NPD -- Sandy, UT

In article <1992Aug19.095038.8691@doug.cae.wisc.edu> kolstad@cae.wisc.edu (Joel Kolstad) writes:
>In article <1470190@hpwrce.mayfield.hp.com> kingsley@hpwrce.mayfield.hp.com (Kingsley Morse) writes:

[ ... "Magnetic beds speed healing" ... ]
>>There are several competing theories though: increased blood flow, quantum
>>interactions, magnetic resonance (w/ electric field), vibration of electron
>>orbits shifted off their axis, hall effect...
>
>Um, those don't sound like theories to me, they sound like effects of magnetic
>fields on things in the body (other than "increased blood flow," and you have
>to find a reason for that).  Hopefully your competing theories explain
>WHY these effects promote healing! 

Announcing the Jarvik 99 MHD blood pump!

Our extensive research laboratory has shown that iron lungs prolong life
in patients better than implantable replacements*!

Taking this brilliant observation** into account, and after a recent late
night screening of "The Hunt for Red October", and one of the team saying
"Hey!  Don't blood cells have iron in 'em?!?", our engineers have
developed the iron heart (tm)!

The iron heart uses the latest in Soviet Magnetohydrodynamic (MHD) technology!

The iron heart(tm) is the natural next step in the Jarvik implantable
heart replacements!  After a simple cather operation to remove the valves
in the patients existing (but malfunctioning) heart***, the patient is
placed bodily into the iron heart(tm), plugged in****, and turned on.  From
then on, the patient is no longer dependant on finicky internal pumps,
requiring messy, dangerous surcical procedures for installation and repair.

Advantages over our previous Jarvik line:

o	No more annoying "lub-dub, lub-dub"!
o	Meets or exceeds manufacturer recommendations!
o	Does not require tubing through holes in chest cavity!
o	Continuous flow -- there's always fresh blood for those times
	when you need it the most!
o	Tried and tested in Russian submarines!
o	Easy upgrade (no messy surgery required!)
o	Attractive 8'x3'x6' faux leather carrying case!
o	Modern technology!
o	Comes in white, red, and sporty metallic blue!
o	Doubles as a geothermal power source!
o	Free 30 day trial*****!

Call 1-800-CUT-MEUP today!

Act now, and we'll send you our cholesterol cleaning kit!  This amazing
product keeps you 99.9% cholesterol free utilizing ordinary household
furnace filters available at your local home improvement store!

----------------
* Other than transplants, there aren't implantable lung replacements.
** Really!  There aren't implantable artificial lung replacements!
*** Kids, don't try this at home!
**** Requires 220 VAC!  Please rewire your house before installation!  UPS
     not included in all models!
***** Valve removal surgery is irreversable without transplant.
-----------------


For the humor impaired:  No, this isn't "for real"... 8-).


					Terry Lambert
					terry_lambert@gateway.novell.com
					terry@icarus.weber.edu

---
Disclaimer:  Any opinions in this posting are my own and not those of
my present or previous employers.
Newsgroups: sci.med