HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jjchew@math.toronto.edu
Subject: No news is good news?
Keywords: heard it, chuckle

(A *really* old story - I heard this one as a child from my great
uncle, who had heard it as a child around the turn of the century
on some primordial predecessor of the phonograph.  Send me e-mail
if you can identify its author.)

A gentleman is returning home after a length trip and is met by a
servant at the station.  This is the conversation that they have
on their way home.

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks.  Surely something must
have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My *dog* died?  How awful!  Still, he was getting on in years,
and I suppose it had to happen some time.  How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat?  Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing
around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir.  They'd been rotting for some
time after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens.  How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*?  The house burnt down too?  How did the house
burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh.  ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light
the house!  What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake.  Whose wake?"

"Your mother's, sir.  She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord.  Mother is dead.  The house is gone, along with
the stable.  Even my dog is dead.  <pause> What did Mother die
of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock.  When your wife ran off with the handyman
the day after you left, sir.  But aside from all that, it's been
fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

--
John J. Chew <jjchew@math.toronto.edu> Univ. of Toronto, Dept of Mathematics


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Date: Thu, 24 Dec 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bmh@terminus.ericsson.se (Bernard Hatt)
Subject: Form to apply for a file to be restored
Keywords: smirk, computers


		APPLICATION TO HAVE A FILE RESTORED
		-----------------------------------


Your name ? ________________

Your login name ? ________________

Which project ? ________________


1.  Urgency
	<1 hour   __	1-2 hours  __	2-4 hours __	 next day __
	next week __	never	   __

2.  Reason for needing restore ?
	Accidental deletion __		Accidental corruption	__
	General clumsiness  __		Complete stupidity	__
	Other _____________

3.  Were you using "RCS" or "SCCS"
					Yes __		No __

3.1	If 'No' why not ? ________________

4.  Are you sure the file existed in the first place ?
					Yes __		No __

5.  Are you sure the file isn't somewhere else ?
					Yes __		No __

6.  How long do you think it would take for you to re-create the file(s)
    were a backup not available ? ________________

7.  How much had you had to drink when you deleted the file ? ________________

8.  Don't you think it would be better if you hadn't deleted the file in
    the first place ?
					Yes __

9.  If you didn't want to delete the file, why did you type the command ?
    ________________________________________________________________

10. Do you appreciate the amount of inconvenience that restoring a few
    files from a backup causes ?
					Yes __		No __

11. Have you deleted more work than you would normally create in a day ?
					Yes __		No __

11.1	If 'Yes' why did you turn up for work today ?
	__________________________________________________________________

12. Don't you feel really stupid having to rely on a backup to recover
    from your mistake ?
					Yes __		No __

13. Do you often regret things you have done ?
					Yes __		No __

14. Do you often worry about your responsibilitys ?
					Yes __		No __

15. Do you worry about not being able to control your actions ?
					Yes __		No __

16. Do you think that there could be any connection between someone
    destroying their own work and having self destructive thoughts ?
					Yes __		No __


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Date: Tue, 29 Dec 92 4:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: FWI, University of Amsterdam
From: susan@fwi.uva.nl (Susan M. Uskudarli)
Subject: Bachelor Salad
Keywords: smirk


Found an interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite
Recipes From our Best Cooks", which is a collection
of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota.
This recipe was submitted by a youth Minister.

--------------------------------------------------
BACHELOR SALAD

1 head lettuce          1 bottle salad dressing
                        (any kind - not Roquefort)

   Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing
intact on head of lettuce, eat over sink - no
cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!


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Date: Tue, 29 Dec 92 19:30:01 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: khw@druwa.att.com
Subject: millicent fenwick repartee
Keywords: chuckle

From the NY Times obituary of Millicent Fenwick (after whom Lacey in Doonesbury
was modeled):

In a debate over equal rights for women, she once recalled, a male legislator
said: "I just don't like this amendment.  I've always thought of women as
kissable, cuddly, and smelling good."  Her reply was classic Fenwick:
"That's the way I feel about men, too.  I only hope for your sake that you
haven't been disappointed as often as I have."

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Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jbh55289@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Josh 'K' Hopkins)
Subject: Newton
Keywords: smirk, sexual

Eventually, every professor who teaches an introductory physics or astronomy
class gets around to Sir Isaac Newton.  In most cases this results in a short 
speech on how Newton may well have been the greatest scientist in history.
One astronomy professor gave his speech, speculating on how many Nobels Newton
deserved, and suggesting that Newton's _Principia_ may well have been the 
greatest work ever written.  He had his class convinced, until one student in
the back shouted out

	"Yeah, but he died a virgin!"
-- 
Josh Hopkins              
jbh55289@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu  
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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Merry Deficit!
From: ilana@niwot.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana Stern)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Christmas is when kids tell Santa Claus what they want, and their parents
end up paying for it.

A deficit is when adults tell the government what they want, and their
kids end up paying for it.

--Heard on the radio, attributed to former Colorado governor Richard Lamm.

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Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: matth@comm.mot.com (Matt Hintz)
Subject: Matt's Laws of Driving
Keywords: smirk


  Matt's Laws of Driving:
    1)  The person driving the slowest is always in front.
    2)  The automobile directly behind the slowest driver will never be able
        to pass due to other motorists passing both cars.
    3)  If a slow driver turns off of the road he will be replaced by a slower
        driver in a much larger vehicle before the next light.
    4)  If you are able to pass a slow driver you will immediately be stopped
        by the next light and then rule 3 applies.
    5)  If you are in a hurry then rules 1-4 are affected exponentially for
        every degree of hurriedness.
    6)  If you anticipate rules 1-5 and leave early there will be construction.


  Matt's 7th Law of Driving (addendum):
      After risking life and limb, and much aggravation, to pass another vehicle
      on a four or more lane road, said vehicle will move over.

-- 

  Matt Hintz      Ph: (708)576-2131    Email: matth@ecs.comm.mot.com        



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Date: Sat, 26 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: thompsn@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Adam Thompson)
Subject: Your Kind of Place
Keywords: chuckle

(Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonalds serves beer.)

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer.
The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him:
 "They don't serve _BEER_ here, you moron!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid until he realized:
 that meant the guy behind him was there for the food!
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Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 19:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: aruba!sandys%onyx@uu2.psi.com (Sandy Schindler)
Subject: bathroom humor
Keywords: smirk, true

I recently encountered the following message on a bathroom wall:

  Vandelism is wrong!!

I wrote underneath 
  Yeah, but vandalism is OK.

Sandy Schindler

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Date: Mon, 21 Dec 92 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: sbeitzel@netcom.com (Stephen Beitzel)
Subject: Salesman of the Month
Keywords: smirk, true

I just got back from the aquarium supply store up the street.  It's a specialty
shop, not a generic pet store.  It caters strictly to people who keep fish.
I walked up to the guy at the counter and the following conversation ensued:

"Can I help you?"

"Hi, yes, I need a water pump, one that will pump from 3 to 4 hundred gallons
per hour."

In salesperson school, I am certain that they teach you that the correct
response to this question is, "Why, certainly, here's this $4,000.00
Super Deluxe Sucker 5GX (tm)."  Apparently this guy had missed that part,
or he just did the take-home version of the test because his response was:

"What for?"

Ever the helpful patron, I replied, "I want to pump water around in a tank."

And he accused *me* of being a smartass.  :}


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Date: Mon, 28 Dec 92 19:30:20 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: SCHANG@pitzer.claremont.edu
Subject: Missionary Position
Keywords: chuckle, true

	This is a true story that happened to me only a few years ago...


	I'm a 3rd generation Cantonese-American and have pretty much
forgotten the language.  Hey, I wasn't even raised with it spoken in
my household, but I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood anyway.
Well, Mormons, whom we all know and love(*cough*), have to save their
money during childhood so that they may go on missionary expeditions
when they hit seventeen years of age or so.  Some even become Urban
Mormons, where they trek to distant(?) parts of Suburbia, seeking
converts.
	So, one day, there was a knock at my door.  So upon answering,
Lo! And Behold!  Who should be standing there, but two young, aspiring
Jehovah's Witn-... I mean, Mormon Missionaries.  Both were Caucasian,
and one was holding a copy of Halston's Mandarin/English Dictionary.
The Mormon holding the dictionary greeted me in a foreign language,
presumably Mandarin, which I didn't understand.  However, I chose to
say nothing; I merely furrowed my brow and intensified my gaze.
Astute, as they were, the missionaries were quick to realize that I
had not comprehended a single word they said, so they squabbled:

	Missionary #1: I told you he wasn't Mandarin.
	Missionary #2: Apparently not.  He's probably wondering what
                       we're trying to say.
	Missionary #1: Maybe he's Vietnamese.
	Missionary #2: (Pulls out Vietnamese/English Dict.) Perhaps.
                       The Word of God was meant to reach all tongues.

	So the second Missionary repeated his greeting in Vietnamese.
I only shrugged my shoulders.  The other Mormon pulled out a Japanese
Dictionary, assuming that I might have been the same.  Again, I merely
shrugged, and we ran the same gauntlet for the Korean language.  I
had to admit, though, that I began to tire of this game.  Taking a
deep breath, I shouted,

	"YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS!  WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME
FROM AND STOP TAKING OUR JOBS?!?"

	With that, I slammed the door in a grandoise fashion and
couldn't stop laughing for two hours afterward.



	T.S. Elliot(who wrote the book that Cats was based on) had a
more novel method of dealing with door-to-door missionaries.  One day,
some Jehovah's Witnesses showed up on his doorstep with a can and 
said, "Money for Jehovah?"  To which Elliot responded, "Great!  I'm
Jehovah!  How much have you gathered for me?"

	They left in a huff.



-Shadowmage
(Solomon Chang)

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Date: Wed, 30 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jvbutera@grad04.math.ncsu.edu (Jeffrey V. Butera)
Subject: A really useful error message
Keywords: smirk, computers, true

It's interesting, the features people dream up in this
age of technology....

We have a Sun SPARC laser printer which even has a feature
to print error messages like : "Printer low on toner" on a 
piece of paper, in addition to those idiot lights on the 
front panel.

The best was last week:  I was printing and noticed the printer
stopped and on came an indicator light.  I looked and realized it 
was out of paper.  So I reloaded it, and sure enough, out comes
the next page with:

"Printer out of paper."


Jeff Butera                 
Math Graduate Student
N.C. State University      
jvbutera@math.ncsu.edu

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From: ru+@cmu.edu (Rudolph R. Zung)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cowboy boots
Keywords: chuckle, sexual
Date: 1 Jan 93 09:30:02 GMT

[ Heard this one from Dave Parker who heard it from another friend from the
Navy, apparently. ]

Why is there so much space in cowboy boots between your shins and the front
edge of the boots?

It's because this way, you can stick the rear legs of a sheep into the
boots and they can't run away.

--
...Ru     

InterNet: ru+@cmu.edu          BITnet  : rz02+@andrew 
UUCP    : ...!{ucbvax, harvard}!andrew.cmu.edu!rz02+         
R Zung \ (412) 681-6468 \ CMU Box 231 \ Pittsburgh PA 15213


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Date: Thu, 31 Dec 92 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: interpol@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Drew Cheng)
Subject: Sweepstakes from Hell
Keywords: smirk

  I received some chintzy direct-marketing sweepstakes mailing today...

  Anyway, after sorting through all the junk that they're trying to sell, I
looked at the "personal letter" they sent to me:

"As of Friday, 9:45AM, your name was among _millions_ scanned and identified
by our IBM computers as a first round _cash_ prize winner in our $1 million
dollar sweepstakes."

And, one line caught my eye:

"Note:  no cost or purchase obligation [see sweepstakes rules], but please
order two (2) or more items from enclosed cards when claiming prize."

Hmmm...if that wasn't bad enough, I read the sweepstakes rules with a
magnifying glass, and I particularly like the following rule:

"(b) An additional $100,000.00 will be split equally amongst all individuals
who respond in compliance with all instructions but in no event will you
receive less than 36 cents."

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Date: Tue, 29 Dec 92 5:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jks2x@holmes.acc.virginia.edu (Jason K. Schechner)
Subject: Madonna vs. Billy Ray Cyrus
Keywords: smirk, offensive

        Rirelbar unf rvgure urneq, be urneq nobhg Ovyyl Enl
Plehf'zrtn-uvg "Npul Oernxl Urneg".  (Sbe gubfr jub unira'g, vg
jnf bar bs gubfr fbatf gung gnxrf nyzbfg rirel puneg ol fhecevfr
naq gurz cebprrqff gb gbc vg.  Vg rira fcnjarq vgf bja qnapr,
gung, ercbegrqyl, Plehf uvzfrys pna'g qb!!)
        Znqbaan vf wrnybhf bs gur choyvpvgl ur'f tbggra fb fur'f
pbzvat bhg jvgu ure bja irefvba pnyyrq "Zl Vgpul Gjvgpul Gjng".

-Wnfba

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Date: Thu, 24 Dec 92 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: DSEWELL@ccit.arizona.edu
Subject: The Great Ethnic Sewer Rat War
Keywords: chuckle

[The following joke is in .GEF format (Generic Ethnic Format);
substitute your favorite ethnic or other subnormal group as needed.
It's my version of something I found in a book on ethnic humor. -DS]


The sewer rat situation in New York was getting intolerable; the rats
were multiplying like crazy and starting to do things like crawl up the
pipes and bite people in the butt while they sat on the toilet.  The
Public Works Director decided it was time to declare all-out war on the
rats.

So he calls in the superintendent of the sewer system and tells him to
find five men who'd be willing to live in the sewers 24 hours a day
fighting rats.  "Gee, boss," says the superintendent, "No one's going to
put up with those conditions."  "No problem," says the Director.  "Go
out and find five Ethnics and draft them.  They're used to that kind of
thing."  The Director tells the superintendent to return with his men
in a week to report on battle progress, and the superintendent takes off.

A week later the superintendent shows up in the Director's office.  He's
exhausted, bruised and scratched up, and all by himself.  "I think we've
lost the war," he says.

"What?!  Where's the five Ethnics you drafted?" the Director asks.

"That's the problem," says the superintendent.  "Three of them defected
to the enemy, and the other two have left the army to settle down with 
the war brides they brought back!"


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Date: Mon, 28 Dec 92 4:30:04 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu (The Duck of Death)
Subject: I Love New York
Keywords: smirk, true


I just moved to NYC to attend graduate school @ Columbia University.
We got a bunch of pamphlets and booklets giving advice on how to live and act
in NY.

One of the pieces of advice: (Seriously!)

"Do not pick a fight with someone wielding a weapon..."

My only thought was, "Thanks."

Ben Hitz
hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu

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