From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #490
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 22:05:46 -0500

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Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:16 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #490

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    490
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

485  38 votes  6dh20 225bi 7bc71 8hb20 73cb5 4358i 36f86 79aa2 9ac61 5bh32
485  2.9 mean   2.4   4.1   2.6   2.2   3.1   3.9   3.2   2.8   2.5   2.6

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Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-01

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When woodchucks through the meadows roam
> And wombats in my code do play
> I cannot help but run right home
> And in my source the bugs to slay.
>
> But sometimes things get out of hand:
> The wombats multiply too fast
> I cannot get my code to run
> And with a gun I want to blast
>
> The living shit from my machine.
>
> O Oracle, what should I do in such cases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind supplicant,
} Ignorant at best.
} Let your heart do the feeling,
} Let the Oracle do the rest.
}
} Your brain is simply incapable
} Of fixing the bugs in your code.
} Us Deities have much more practice,
} Rectifying dilemmas so bold.
}
} Supplicant, so daring,
} End your life of pain,
} Let the Oracle do the work,
} Find yourself a better brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle the hidden message.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-02

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you're the tops, you're the cat's pajamas,
> you're sublime, you're superlemon, do you know:
>
> Is math an invention or a discovery?
>
> Your postualant,
> Heinrich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well actually VERY few know the truth. It's an aberration.
}
} You owe the Oracle not to tell this anyone. I'm having big fun with it

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-03

Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm rubber; you're glue.
> If you <ZOT!> me, it bounces off me and sticks to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle and you're eraser dust.  <POOF!>

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-04

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Mighty and Wise Oracle, under Whose most Magnificent mangement even
> the 1992 Dodgers would have won at least the NL West division title,
> Who would NEVER have given up two promising young pitchers for Eric
> Davis, whom the Dodgers paid an EXORBITANT amount of money to sit on
> the DISABLED LIST for most of the season, and whose ATTITUDE combined
> with that of his boyhood friend Darryl Strawberry to make BAD ATTITUDE
> SQUARED, which just KILLED the Dodgers' MORALE, causing them to LOSE
> MOST OF THEIR GAMES, BREAKING the HEARTS of the FANS and causing DODGER
> FANS like ME to get SO UPSET THAT I FORGOT THE QUESTION I WAS GOING TO
> ASK YOU!!!!!!  Oh wait, I remember now . . .
>
> How come the weatherman never says the weather's going to be unfair?
> And how come there aren't any illegal secretaries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My friend, you have just stumbled upon a massive and dastardly
} conspiracy. The conspirators have acted in the following ways:
}
} 1) they made the Dodgers lose their well-deserved penant.
}
} 2) they prevent weathermen from reporting unfair weather.  In fact,
}       weather usually IS unfair.  But they are attempting to undermine
}       global society by numbing humanity's collective mind.  It
}       gladdens me to see that at least one person out there is still
}       mentally on his toes.
}
} 3) there ARE illegal secretaries; however, they all start as LEGAL
}       ones, and drop out of sight as soon as they become illegal.  Some
}       paranoiacs have theorized that these secretaries have been killed
}       by either the conspirators or the U.S. Government, but in fact
}       they ARE the conspirators.  Having been peons in a cruel
}       dominational heirarchy, they wish to reverse the current power
}       structure to make themselves the bosses.  (Note that many
}       secretaries become the bosses by less drastic and more subtle
}       means.  Most offices are in fact totally run by and dependant
}       upon their secretaries.  The illegal secretaries, however, want
}       power in name as well as fact.)  Anyway, the obvious first step
}       in reversing current hierarchical structures is that of forcing
}       an amazing ball team like the Dodgers to the bottom of the heap.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grassy knoll.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-05

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How to get rid of a wombat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since there is no one way to go about getting rid of a wombat that is
} better than any other, I will give you a sampling of the equally
} successful solutions provided by many celebrities, dead and otherwise
} (since communication with the dead is no problem for my infinite
} communicative capabilities).
}
} Dr. Seuss:  "Quick, Henry, the Flit!"
}
} Lewis Carroll:  "One-two! One-two! And through and through
}                    The vorpal sword went snicker-snack
}                  The beast was dead, and with its head
}                    He went galumphing back."
}
} The NRA, any member:  "Shewt the varmint."
}
} Rube Goldberg:  "...and bounces off F, the trampoline, to land on G,
} which turns on the bunsen burner, causing the cat H to jump up in the
} air and land on I, the naugahyde hassock..."
}
} George Bush:  "Well, y'can't solve a problem by throwing money at it...
} I recommend we cut taxes on the rich, which will increase investment in
} anti-wombat equipment corporations."
}
} Dan Quayle:  "A wombat is a terrible thing to waste.  What's a wombat?"
}
} Marcel Marceau:  ""
}
} You owe the Oracle Crocodile Dundee's knife.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-06

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose wisdom is so red that Mars is jealous and whose
> punctuation is a furry as a cicada's pelt during a blue moon, please
> inform me:
>
>       How were elephants discovered and when?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Elephants were discovered in Trenton, New Jersey at 4:36 pm on 26 July
} 1963. They were immediately recognized when they took their sunglasses
} off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of no less than fifty elephant jokes.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-07

Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O AlMighty Oracle, Leader of All Creation, please
> enlighten me...
>
> How did the US Government get so screwed up?
> And can we ever get it back on track?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What makes you think the US Government is screwed up?
} Well, let's see....
}
} The two purposes for which government was formed are
} 1: to make people wait in line
} 2: to collect taxes.
}
} Making people wait on line is a demonstration of who's boss, and is
} necessary for the peace of mind of the ruling class.
} In a way it's like grovelling to the Oracle.
}
} Collecting taxes makes it possible for the ruling class to live
} without doing any useful work.
}
} Because people might try to cut ahead in the line, we have police.
}
} Because governments might try to collect taxes from taxpayers
} belonging to other governments, we have armies.
}
} All the other apparatus of modern earthly life follows from the
} above.
}
} So, how is the US Government screwed up?
}
} Although you still have to wait on line a lot
} ( been to the Post Office lately? had to renew your driver's license?
} much of the waiting on line has been replaced by filling out forms.
} ( Although in many cases you may have to wait on line to fill out a
} form; this is simply atomic-age overkill. )
}
} Filling out forms is an acceptable substitute for waiting on line.
} The little lines that mark where you have to write are symbolically
} equivalent to the ropes that mark where the line should stand.
} This sort of symbolic substitution is an old and accepted practice,
} and you should be glad of that the next time you take Communion!
}
} (2) You can't fault the job they do collecting taxes.
}
} Conclusion: as usual, the very premise of the Mortal's question is
} wrong, but the Oracle is not fooled.
}
} You owe the Oracle: three goats and a kid.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:36 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-08

Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Will you consider my cat Geoffrey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And will I ever!  Why, I'd much rather consider him than you, you
} pathetic mealworm.  He's infinitely more intelligent than you, and
} always lands on his feet to boot!
}
} Let's consider him.  He's very nimble, he's quick, should he need to
} live on his own, he could, without the comforts of society, he can see
} in the dark without tripping and cursing on his way to the bathroom,
} and not only that, he can clean himself using JUST HIS TONGUE.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of claws, and the other thing they took
} away.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:38 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-09

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise, whose little toe contains more wisdom than all
> the works collected together in the Library of Congress; grant your
> humble supplicant an answer to this query:
>
> Why is there no such thing as a free lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mortal, most foolish, whose whole brain contains less wisdom than
} all the works of Dan Quayle: you blew it again.
}
} The premise of your question is incorrect.
} There *is* such a thing as a free lunch.
} But not for you.
}
} The Oracle, for example, lunches for free at the Olympus Cafeteria.
} Of course, nectar and ambrosia get boring after awhile, and the
} Oracle is a god of means; so this Oracle often stops off at
} God's Diner, where the manna is excellent -- but that's beside the
} point.
} The point is that *you* are not invited.
}
} The Congress, in addition to their library and banking privileges,
} get a free lunch. True, it is not as healthy as it might be;
} too much cholesterol in "the fat of the land".
} Again, *you* may not dine there.
}
} Perhaps you're beginning to get the picture.
}
} The reason why there is a proverb about "no free lunch"
} is that those who get it don't want to share it with you.
}
} You owe the Oracle: dinner for two at Adam's Ribs.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 22:05:39 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #490-10

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Fragrant and lordly ancient wise Oracle,
>       Am I really human, or am I, as I have long feared, a small
> plate of fettucini Alfredo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE SCENE: The Oracle's Favorite Restaurant
}
} ORACLE:  Hmmm...  interesting question.
}
} A waiter comes from the back of the restaurant with the Oracle's plate
} of fettucini Alfredo. The waiter deposits the plate on the Oracle's
} table and respectfully bows. The waiter then turns and walks away.
} While still concentrating on the question, the Oracle starts to
} absentmindedly eat his food.
}
} YOU: Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!
}
} ORACLE: (apolagetically) Oops... Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle the courtesy of keeping quiet while you're being
} eaten, or another plate of non-living fettucini
} Alfredo{rlinn@fscvax.fsc. mass.edu}.

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End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #490
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