From: dhardin@bbn.com (Dawn Hardin)
Newsgroups: alt.pagan
Subject: Re: Handfasting/Pagan Marriage Ceremonies
Date: 15 Oct 1992 19:28:52 GMT
NNTP-Posting-Host: bbn.com
Keywords: Handfasting, Rituals

In article <1992Oct15.014348.5468@csus.edu>, altheimm@nextnet.csus.edu (Murray Altheim) writes:
> 
> I'd like to start a little discussion of people's experiences with 
> alternative (ie., pagan) marriage rituals. I assume from my travels
> here that "handfasting" means more in the pagan world than its 
> simple dictionary definition.

Thanks for the opening.  Some friends of mine asked me to post a description
of their handfasting almost a month ago and I'd almost forgotten.

This was an attempt at a Discordian handfasting, which occurred a week
after a nearly traditional Jewish wedding and included friends who couldn't
make it to the larger wedding, and most of the same wedding party.

The evening began with readings from the Principia Discordia.  No, that's
not true, the evening *began* with everybody getting tipsy, but that part
would probably have happened anyway so we'll skip that.  It started with
the Groom reading the myth of the apple of discord.  (Wherein the Goddess
Eris is snubbed at a wedding banquet and so rolls an golden apple marked
KALLISTI, to the prettiest one, into the feast to make everyone fight over
it before she goes off to joyously partake of a hot dog.)  Then the bride
read the 5 rules of Discordians (including how we never eat hot dog buns
in honor of the original snub.)

Pope: Do you both really want to marry each other, and are you sure that 
you wouldn't rather be married to a cabbage or something?"
Groom:  I guess so.
Bride:  Are cabbages any good in bed?

Pope:  Are each of you sure that the other isn't really a cabbage or a fruit
bat or something?
Bride:  I'm not sure (pulls off groom's shirt to look.)
Groom:  Well, she's not a cabbage, but I'm not so sure about the animal
kingdom.  (Blushes and pulls his shirt back on.)

Pope:  Well, far be it from me to keep the two of you from disrupting each
others lives through cohabitation and lots of sex, for ever and ever, until
you're each sick and tired of each other.  And so, by the power vested in 
me by the Goddess Eris and any other gods or goddesses currently paying
attention, I know pronounce you wife and husband.  SO THERE!  You may now
swap some serious spit.

(Whilst bride and groom were swapping serious spit, I snuck out to the
hall closet for the props.  First, a golden apple inscribed Kallisti, which
I rolled out in front of the wedding party.)

Groom:  Hey, that must be mine.
Bride:  Don't be stupid, stupid.  It must be mine because brides are always
the prettiest.
Groom:  Well I'm the bridegroom, and I'm prettier than you are.

(The pope then started throwing food, most of which had been chosen to be
fairly easy to clean when thrown around the room.  The bride and groom
started throwing food, and then most of the wedding guests joined in.  My
housemate came back into the room.)

Housemate:  What the hell is this?  You told me it was going to be some
kind of a wedding and I clean the whole frigging house and then you deadbeats
throw food around in my clean living room?  What kind of weirdo's are you?
(much deleted.)

(At this point, I was supposed to brandish the newlywed's wedding gift, a
four foot long reproduction scottish claymore sword, and threaten to behead
anyone who didn't stay to help clean up.  But when I picked the sword up,
I realized that I was too tipsy to trust myself swinging it around, edge or
no edge, so I just told them to close their eyes and hold out their hands
and I dropped it in their hands.  Slightly off the topic, but if anybody
wants an unusual good time, they should try carrying a four foot sword home
on the Boston subway system sometime.)

(At any rate, we did clean the living room and the groom was deemed to be
the prettiest.)

Dawn
"Oh, Time!  Of all the dwellers here below 
You only elevate buffoons or fools,
Or him whose anus as an inkstand serves."
The Perfumed Garden of the Shaykh Nefzawl, translated by Sir Richard F. Burton