From: klj@cbnews.cb.att.com (karen.l.carr)
Subject: Re: Sleep Question (Please no Ferber)
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 19:23:12 GMT

In article <1993Jan7.174639.9902@Princeton.EDU>, Lisa S. Lewis <lisas@pucc.princeton.edu> writes:
> ....... What always surprises me are the posters to this list who
> are dying to get a night's rest, but can't bear two minutes of screaming
> for a couple of nights.  No pain no gain!  I  realized that the original
> poster is looking for a painless way to get their child to sleep through
> the night.  To my knowledge, it doesn't exist.  And that's why these
> postings are *always* followed by a flood of Ferber articles.  But Ferber
> is the kindest method I've ever read.  

I am the original poster 8)  As I've read the replies, I have realized that
what I was asking for really had more to do with philosophy than anything
else.  Our culture seems to accept this separation/independence thing as
being the way to be.  Is it?  Why?  Other cultures do fine without having
to use this method.  Why is it really necessary to "teach" your child to
sleep through the night?

The interesting thing is that I have "gain without pain".  Alison has been
sleeping about 7 hours straight now.  For example, last night she slept
from 7:30 to 10:30.  Dad then did some non-night things, so I spent from
11-11:35 getting her sleepy again (then was able to put her down sleepy --
she cried for a few minutes (like maybe 5) and then went to sleep).  She
then slept until about 7:15 this morning.  This has been happening for
about a week now.  (By the way, Dad wants her to cry with just going in
occassionally to reassure her -- basically Ferber without strict timing).

My method assures her that I will go into her when she cries.  She can
trust in that steadfast rule.  Ferber wants to keep this, but it is hard
for ME to determine if my child will interprete my actions in this way.
(Yes, I know that many many people experienced no change in their child's
behaviour right away -- but what about their relationship later on, any
long-lasting effects in terms of trust then?).  Alison stops crying now
when I hold her, whether it is in the middle of the night or after getting
a shot at the doctors.  I don't know if its because I go to her in the
night, but it is one part of my OVERALL parenting scheme -- which is
successful in my opinion.

I also see a contradiction in the "hungry at night is learned" argument.
Those of us with eating disorders are often told its because we don't eat
when we are hungry.  BUT these same people are being told to not feed their
babies when they are hungry, but when it is "appropriate".  Alison wakes up
to eat because she is HUNGRY most of the time.  Since she started crawling
and thereby started eating more at meals, she is doing this less, but often
she will go through 6-8 oz of formula when she wakes up.  I would rather
teach her to eat more during the day IF SHE IS HUNGRY, instead of
withholding food which could be the start of an eating disorder.

Besides, tell all those pregnant women not to eat in the middle of the
night when they are hungry -- what's the difference?  What makes that such
an exception to this rule people have taken as gospel?

Yes, I've used Ferber with Alison -- it was between ear infection 2 and 3.
I just have decided not to use it because I don't like the underlying
philosophy.  That's why I didn't want to see the "Use Ferber" postings.  I
wasn't looking for a painless way to get my child to sleep through the
night, but was looking for others with my general philosophy on parenting
and see what they do/did (and there are some out there which are
successful, by the way).

I didn't mean for it to get all out of wack, but at the time I was talking
from some sleep deprivation.  Now, with a number of good nights under my
belt, I can explain what I wanted better.  I suspect I'll see a number of
comments now on my philosophy and my comments about disagreeing with
Ferber's comments (besides, I don't know him from Joe Blow from Idaho, why
should I instantly take what he says as gospel -- even if it works.  Its
the why and underlying side effects I'm more interested in 8^)   )

	Karen  
	  (Mom to Alison, 8 months today!)
Newsgroups: misc.kids