Newsgroups: misc.kids

Here's another question about sibling rivalry.  I have always been very
complimentary to my kids about their appearance.  I very typically tell
each of them in the morning something nice about how they look.  It's possible
that I go overboard since I always got negative remarks about my appearance
from my older brother when I was growing up, and I want my girls to have the
confidence that I didn't have.

My older daughter is 4.  She's into a real dress-up sort of phase.  Lately,
she's started saying things to the rest of us like, "I'm the prettiest one
of all.  I'm prettier than Caitlin."...  While I want my kids to feel good 
about their appearance, I don't want them to be obnoxious and self-obsessed.  
Is this just another manifestation of sibling rivalry?  Or is this just some
typical 4 year old sort of thing?

BTW, thanks to all of you for your good suggestions for handling disputes
between my kids (ages 2 and 4) in a P.E.T. sort of fashion.  Many of
you recommended "Siblings Without Rivalry" as required reading, and I
bought it this past weekend and started to read (it is indeed interesting
reading).  For those of you who might be interested in this book:

           Siblings Without Rivalry
           Adele Fabar  and  Elaine Mazlish
           Avon Books - New York
           1987

Besides reading this book, here's a summary of the ideas I got:

strategies to avoid fighting:
-- Praise desired behavior.  Make a special note to say things like "I
   see you two really had fun this morning.  It's so nice when everybody's 
   having a good time instead of fighting." An interesting variation on
   praise for desired behavior is family folklore.  My kids love to hear
   stories about when they were smaller, and so another one of these stories
   could be about some positive interaction between the kids, or how they
   happily resolved some conflict.
-- Set up situations that foster cooperation, like non-competitive group 
   games.
-- Adults plan to be spending time with kids when they are least likely
   to get along, in hopes of adults being able to ward off some of the 
   fighting.  If kids generally play together well in the morning, then
   adults use that time to get household tasks done so adults can be with 
   kids during kids' crankier times.
-- Make sure tired kids get rest, hungry kids get food

strategies when fighting about to happen or is in progress:
-- Emphasize turn-taking.
-- When kids are too young to come up with negotiation tactics on their own,
   offer negotiation solutions
-- Use distraction to break things up.  Send the kids outside, offer a
   different game to play, provide a snack, etc.


I have been trying to do more of the things in the fighting avoidance
category and we seem to have some progress.  My older daughter and her
friend spent a long time one day playing "plane-ride" (basically this
means dumping everything possible on the bed and then pretending that
the bed is the plane).  When things got dull another time with my 2 kids 
together, I suggested that they could play plane-ride together too.  This 
has been a real hit.  My 2 year old goes along with the game pretty well,
although she doesn't exactly understand pretending yet--she asked me to 
put on her jacket and hat so that she could go out to the plane :-)

Thanks again,
Jane Marcus
janem@hpfclg.fc.hp.com
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