From: anon-1218@twwells.com (Anika)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Child ****** !!! SPOILER !!! ******
Date: 7 Oct 92 15:32:30 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes



I guess the spoiler warning ought to be continued************************














Run now





















Vickie/Ode, wow. I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR. I don't know if you read my
"introduction" the other day, but one of the things I'm recently handling is
the memory of my mother's abuse. Read that: the abuse by my mother, not the
abuse to my mother...   :)
I have all the memories of my stepfather violently raping me, shaking the
decapitated head of my friend at me, forcing me to perform oral sex (no
feelings, really, put somehow that hurt to write) on both him and my mother.
(Does mom remember this? I don't know.)
So to suddenly realize that mom was abusing me before he came along in a
fondling, giggling sort of way...Well, my counsellor thinks I'm crazy when I
say it doesn't matter much. And yet it does. I'm thinking about it. And YOU're
thinking about the molestation by this man.
Perhaps it's a *little* different for me, because this was my mother, but this
man was someone you were taught to trust and respect. And even if he didn't
cause you physical pain, he destroyed a lot of trust. Perhaps, without him,
you would never have been molested later on. When it happens for a long term,
and you grow accustomed to it, it's like a mold you fit yourself into, and
it's hard to break out.
When minimizing the affect my early abuse had on me and wondering if that's
wrong, I point out a few things to myself:
	1. My memories came back in what I felt to be a logical progression
	from bad to worse. My first memory was losing my virginity to my
	stepfather in an exceedingly violent rape. The memories of my earlier
	abuse didn't show up until just before the memory of the head being
	shaken in my face. It was nested in there in such a way that I
	minimized the impact of the memory by shrouding it in the violence of
	later years. Is that an indicator?
	2. I'm thinking about it. If it had no effect on me, would I be
	thinking about it?	
	3. Most importantly, I blocked it out. And it took a lot of work and a
	lot of pain in order to recover it. Why would I block out something
	that didn't bother me?
	4. I, personally, have other indicators. Maybe you have the same, so
	I'll mention them. I used to talk to my mother while she was bathing.
	If she was actually in the bath, I'd "write" on her back with the 
	soap. One day when I was maybe five or six I was doing this, and I 
	suddenly thought, "This is disgusting." I was under the impression
	that my mother was enjoying it in a way she shouldn't be, and I left. 
	If it was OK, why did I think it was disgusting to do it voluntarily?
	5. My mother's sexuality always has and always will sicken me. Part
	of this may be her "weakness" in this area. (She blocked out seeing my
	stepfather fucking his 35 year old son for three years, and kept my
	step around for sex. I imagine she was molested as a child, but that's
	no excuse. She refused to deal with it, so now I have to.)

Sorry to go off, I ran away from our general into my specifics. My point
simply is, that though it may not look that bad in comparison, it was probably
still bad. If the later abuse hadn't occurred, you'd probably still be dealing
with these abuse issues. 
If you want to talk in greater detail (can either of us GO into greater
detail?) feel free to send me e-mail. It's on. And if you come to a conclusion
on this, would you let me know? Sounds like I'm determined to be traumatized
by this, but I'm just presenting the flip side of the coin. I feel, like you,
that I'm supposed to be a crying basket case, and I'm a little frustrated that
I'm not - like I'm not really letting out the feelings.

								Anika

 



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for an automatically returned help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery