From: edsall@iastate.edu (David M Edsall)
Subject: Nowhere to turn
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 11:49:40 GMT






     Hello,


    I've posted here many times before. I'm posting again because I've screwed
my life up again and feel I have nowhere to turn. I'm in Europe. I can't
afford a therapist and I miss my therapist from the States. I've been away
from therapy for 8 months now. 
   This past year, I lost three friends, a girlfriend. I fell in love and
became obsessed with one of the three friends, but she doesn't know about
that. I just broke up with another of the three friends last Friday. I was
having trouble with the fact that she had become more popular while I was away
and that she was spending more time with one guy and less with me. We used to
talk a lot and I got lots of support from her. While in the States in
December, I stayed with her. We knew the time would be limited and that she
had exams, but we promised to spend at least two days together. We spent one
night talking, that's it, and we talked about her multiple boyfriend problem.
I never got a chance to talk to her about all the stuff I had inside me from
this past year of hell.
   I started to internalize all of my problems back in October. I just tried
to ignore them by burying myself in my work. That works but it also causeds me
a lot of stress because I just end up working harder when I feel pain. I am
now stressed out because I have volunteered for four projects and have been
spending zillions of hours at the office and in meetings just to avoid my
life. I am scared to spend time alone because I start crying uncontrollably
and get very frightened that the pain will not go away. So, I only go home to
sleep and I only do that when I feel tired enough that I know I can't think
enough to obsess.
   The third of the three is a guy who bailed out on me last summer when I
broke up with my first-ever girlfriend ( I am thirty and that's a long time to
wait ).  I broke off our relationship because he abandoned me. I just sent him
mail two days ago for the first time in three months and received a reply in
which he tells me that he is now dating for the first time ( he is 26 ). The
woman he is dating had the same name as the woman I obsessed about. I
immediately wanted to cry but that is hard to do at work.
   I'm afraid to get into any relationships with women. There is a woman in my
office with whom I was becoming friends. When I felt an attraction for her, I
immediately distanced myself from her and have been ignoring her. I told her
why one night but I don't think she is very happy about it.
   I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be abandoned
and rejected. I'm afraid to talk to the two friends I have left and I'm afraid
to make new friends ( hard as it is here to do that ) because I don't want to
lose anyone else. I need help and I know it. I just keep clinging onto people
and that causes them to run away. I need someone in my life to validate me
while I am getting stronger. I can't find anyone out there willing to love me
the way I want to be loved. I want to be very important to someone. I don't
want to spend the rest of my life alone. Friends can only go so far. People
give me funny looks. Women turn there heads when I look at them or they laugh.
   I need love.



     Dave

  I was your trash. You used me and then you threw me away.