From: rfarmer@nyx.cs.du.edu (Rex Farmer)
Subject: Re: tiredness.
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Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix at U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 92 14:38:06 GMT

Damn, I hate when I get a 60 second system shutdown notice in the the middle
of writing a posting.  I guess I'll follow myself up.

In article <1992Sep28.135607.21439@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> rfarmer@nyx.cs.du.edu (Rex Farmer) writes:
>In article <1992Sep24.011004.8462@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu> rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins) writes:
>>
>>i'm just so tired of all this crap. i am tired of being me. i would like 
>>not to be at all, so i wouldn't get so tired. i don't see a point to being
>>here, except to waste resources. and there are so many people who could
>>make better use of them than me. 
>
>Hey, I've felt like that lots of times.  Sometimes I just wish I could go to
>sleep and never wake up, that I could stop _being_.
>
>>i'm never going to make more than $5/hr, and i'm never going to be able to
>>pay all my bills.
>
>Well, I have to say that the key to angst and life problems is that you have 
>to resolve what's inside of _you_.  Lots of people are always looking for the
>solution "out there", thinking "if only I could ... (have sex/have money/
>have love/have dogs...) then my angst would be gone"  (This leads to them 
>flaming people who say, "I have X, but I still have angst about Y".  For
>example, some things which I have which have not alleviated my angst:
>
>fairly wealthy supportive parents
>expensive black matte audiovisual gear
>ranks of bookcases filled with hardcover science fiction and non-fiction
>an honours B.Sc. in Physics
>a grad school position for the past three years 

This all not to say I'm so great, but what you have doesn't change who you
are, and there's no point imagining that some external event is going to
dramatically alter things.  Everyone wants what they haven't got.  Personally
I'd like my skin to clear (I'm 24).  This probably sounds trivial to most of
you, but the pschological and social damage severe chronic acne has caused me
has been very great.

> my dogs are they only things that act as if they love me 
>>unconditionally, and they only do because i take care of them. i am afraid
>>of becoming a crusty old spinster because my tastes rarely intersect with 
>>anyone else's. i read in the paper a few days ago about a 12 year old boy
>>who committed suicide because he was too mature for his schoolmates and they
>>alienated him. he listened to big band music while they listened to rap. he 
>>read steinbeck while they read garfield. six months is too long to wait
>>for acceptance when you're 12 years old. a more permanent solution is in
>>order.

I would dearly love to find some people with which to share my interests.  I
think we all would.  I always wish I could just grab people and say listen
to _this_ (classical/new age/vocal etc.), isn't that great?  Or I have 
thoughts that are impossible to share because they involve the mixing together
of ideas from three or four different books.  My friends are all fairly
smart (mostly Physics graduates) but they never read much of anything 
(contrary to popular belief physicists spend a lot of time pursuing active
social lives and beer).

I just despair at the innumerable giant problems we're faced with: cultural
bankruptcy, population explosion (to put news reports of deaths in
perspective, I always remember that there are 250,000 new people EVERY DAY),
envirodisaster, educational collapse, ...

>>	rachel perkins =  rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu