From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: raising children
Keywords: Lime Pie 
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 21:02:28 GMT

 
in <1992Nov10.091638.15965@deeptht.armory.com>
    rstevew@deeptht.armory.com (Richard Steven Walz) writes:
 
] But the very young child usually needs
] the stability of just a couple or a few people the child can call
] "mine!". Without more than one, I think the child experiences too much
] fear. They can imagine loss and terror, they are not stupid.
]
] Independent and enterprising? Single-parent children? Like hell they
] are. They tend to either be more shy and insecure or else boisterous
] and potentially a behavior problem. It is clear that they don't get
] the interaction they deserve. And they wind up being latch-key
] children who come back to a house, not a home. Even at age ten my son
] confessed that the time he spent at home alone was the scariest time
] he recalls from his young life. And he only spent about an hour before
] both of us were home. We placed him in daycare just for the hour after
] school before we could get to him AT HIS REQUEST! A child who has had
] their sense of security strained at an early age does not grow up
] stronger and more enterprising, unless those are euphemisms for
] neurotic acting out.
 
Gosh; silly me, until now I'd been laboring under the delusion that I
was at least a little bit independent and enterprising.  Oh, well--and
all this time I'd imagined that having been the best-known and among the
most popular students in my high school (of 5,000 students) might have
lent credence to my belief that I was a reasonably un-shy and secure
youth. Even worse, I'd imagined that the fact that I'd started and
operated two successful corporations with customers world-wide while in
my teens suggested some level of independence, enterprise, and
confidence.  Does make me wonder, though--what would I have had to have
done to count as secure, un-shy, independent, or enterprising?
 
Of course it could be that your son's fears have more to do with factors
of his home situation other than the mere fact that it's a single-parent
household.  When I was a child, I used to look forward to and enjoy the
times that the rest of my family would go on vacation, giving me a few
weeks entirely to myself.  (Indeed, being alone was relaxing and
pleasant--and much safer than it was to have a parent around.)
 
] Perhaps that is what drives the capitalist
] system. Perhaps people who are terrified make better workers who won't
] complain and who will eat shit for their job. They probably grow up
] like the last generation of oldsters from the depression, with a need
] to amass wealth and no ability to enjoy it.
 
Boy, I learn something new every day--here I thought I was being a very
good capitalist, not feeling terrified at all, enjoying my wealth
tremendously, and never taking crap from anybody.  (Well, that's not
entirely true--it's not so much that I enjoy my money so much, but that
having money leaves me more free to enjoy the rest of the world.)
 
] Nietsche
] might have said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but
] I think he was full of shit. Strong children who can withstand stress
] are those who have not had to before and have an emotional reserve of
] strength waiting untapped. Those who have had to look whipped before
] they start, they look old in their eyes before they are much beyond
] youth.
 
Personally, I'm with Nietzsche on this one--while I don't enjoy bad
experiences, I almost invariably benefit from them in the long run.
I don't particularly want to bore you with more details about my
childhood, but I didn't have the sort of emotional security that you're
talking about from any parent--though I did get to deal with random
violence, being expelled from the house from time to time, and none too
infrequent death threats (only one really serious attempt, though, and I
was able to dispose of the bomb before it went off)--and I've got at
least as much emotional strength as anybody I've known.  (And nobody
would ever describe me as looking "whipped.")
 
Personally, I'd venture to say that emotional strength lies more in
attitude and in how one processes experiences than the experiences
themselves.
 
] Ask yourself, would you like to
] have been raised in a single-parent family or a multiple parent
] family?
 
For me there are an awful lot of factors far more important than the
number of parents--I know I wouldn't even consider picking either of my
parents' childhoods over my own.  (Actually, I think I might pick doing
it solo instead--I wouldn't have any idea what to do with someone who
was in a parental role anyway.)
 
Trygve