From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #112
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Summary: Toxic Contaminated Waste Fumes
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 01:49:54 GMT


TOXIC CONTAMINATED WASTE FUMES     NUMBER 112     7TH SEPTEMBER 1992
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It's all very well those environmentally friendly products having             G
pictures of dolphins on the labels, isn't it, but what about organising       r
some sort of thing for the environmentally UNfriendly stuff? Like a           e
picture of a barbed-wire fishing net with grenades attached, and the          e
caption "Warning: downright deadly to peaceloving dolphins, orphans in        n
third world countries and small beavers living in South America. Our          p
company is dedicated to making as much money as possible. We pride            e
ourselves on our remarkable record of causing the extinction of               a
fifty-three species last month. This product is guaranteed to contain a       c
minimum of six toxic chemicals, four of which actively destroy the            e
ozone layer."
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                                                                              a
THE NATURAL LAW PARTY - MANIFESTO                                             s
Man, the Labor and Liberal parties have got it wrong, you know. So we
at the Natural Law Party would like to get this country moving again          v
with the following policies:                                                  o
  * Promote good vibes and cooperation between political rivals by            w
     giving them all some really good weed.                                   e
  * Impose taxes on bad karma and heaviness.                                  d
  * Encourage big business to knock down their horrible buildings in
     the cities and build really cool and beautiful parks and streams         t
     and giant statues of the Maharishi Gomesh Ramka.                         o
  * Tax incentives for beards (and grants for underarm hair for our
     feminine sisters in the community at large).                             s
  * Promotion of animal rights, because, like, animals are just               t
     people who just aren't aware that they're really people yet. And         o
     we don't eat people, do we. We will introduce positive counselling       p
     for all animals to help them realise that they are people too.
     Besides, right, animals are the only friends we've got.                  a
  * Complete reform of hospitals. We will replace surgeons and nurses         n
     with groove healers and healthy vibe merchants. Hospitals will be        y
     painted lots of colourful colours, and be renamed as "Refuges
     For The Untogether Healthwise".                                          m
  * A change to recreation and sport, encouraging opposing teams to           o
     stop hammering each other into the ground and start getting really       r
     mellow. To embrace the ball, the goal posts, the umpires, the            e
     spectators, and each other, and instead of playing matches every
     weekend afternoon, to hold a four hour seminar rally commune of          A
     love at the sports ground.                                               u
  * Support for groovy small businesses. Like if someone wants a grant        s
     so they can open a penis tie-dying boutique that loses $3000 a           t
     day, then we'll give them the bread.                                     r
  * Our Veterans policy is one of love. We know that Veterans and those       a
     heavy RSL dudes don't love us, but we love them. We love them all,       l
     and when they decide they want to come to the party and share the        i
     weed, we'll welcome them with open doors, man.                           a
  * The armed forces to be converted over three years into a band of          n
     travelling gypsy singers.
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                                                                              o
THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BAND  Part Four                      x
                                                                              i
Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had now got the name of        c
the villain they were after, who it just so turned out was an infamous
dealer of drugs, guns, "Puff The Magic Dragon" videos and other               C
outlawed articles. His name was Reginald Completebastardprick, and he         u
was known well to the agents of the Australian Royal Security                 s
Establishment as a cunning lying scumbag worm-like deposit of pus, and        t
just the type of person they would have recruited if they could've            a
caught him.                                                                   r
    Popsicle, of course, would bring him in. Or at least, he would try.       d
Because Popsicle was brave, ruthless, and well-known for bending the          s
rules slightly in that way that so many brave and ruthless detective-
type characters are these days. Popsicle vowed, and bet with his              f
colleagues, that he would be able to bring in Completebastardprick            r
before the end of the seventh episode of the story. That's how                o
confident he was. Mind you, Popsicle was always a pretty confident            m
bloke. He was so confident that if he thought he'd left the house
without locking the door, he wouldn't go back to check because he was         r
confident enough to believe that no burglar would even dare to break          e
into his house. He was so confident of this because his house had a           a
triple-layer of electrified barbed wire, ten vicious guard dogs who           c
been on a diet of green beans for two weeks and a security system that        h
when triggered blasted Barry Manilow's greatest hits around the               i
neighbourhood at 120 decibels.                                                n
    Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, on the other hand, was angry. But         g
we went into all that in the last episode, so we'll dispense with the
needless character building and get on with the story.                        F
    Having obtained the information that Reginald Completebastardprick        r
was behind the vicious and nasty and horrific crime of whatever it was        a
had happened in the first episodes, Popsicle and the Inspector got down       n
to the Files room pronto to see if they could get any further                 c
information on R.C.                                                           e
    The Files clerk, Phil E. Schuffler, was a pedantic little git, and        .
everyone knew it. He was the sort of person, had he been a librarian,
would have gone around personally to your house the day after your            S
library book was due. He was not a librarian, but this didn't make            o
things any easier for the members of A.R.S.E when they wanted                 ,
information. Phil's work made the Files room a model of efficiency and
tidiness, which prevented entirely any actual crime-fighting work from        F
being done within.                                                            r
    Nevertheless, Popsicle knew that this was where the plot was headed,      e
so he went down to the Files room to get the information. Phil was            n
sweeping the floor of the rather thin layer microscopic molecules of          c
dust that had deposited there since the last time he had swept the            h
floor, about five minutes before. He looked up with a disapproving face
at Popsicle as he walked in. Files were made to be filed, believed            r
Phil. If files had meant to be taken out of their filing cabinets and         e
looked at, then they wouldn't have bothered to invent filing cabinets         a
to keep the files in. They would have just shoved all the files all           d
over the place so they could be looked at more easily.                        e
    With Phil looking on, despairing about the treatment of his               r
precious files, and vowing that there would be a payback if any hairs,        s
fingerprints or dog-ears appeared on any of them, Popsicle and the            ,
Inspector pored over the veritable Pears Cyclopedia of information
before them. They found out that Reginald Completebastardprick's              w
favourite colour was red, he was known to wear "L.A. Looters" caps, and       a
that he had a nasty tendency towards self abuse, having been witnessed        t
several times shouting names at himself into a mirror.                        c
    Having gained this spurious information, and a shitload of more           h
important information, Popsicle and the Inspector left the A.R.S.E.
building, and headed out into the world, looking for Reginald                 o
Completebastardprick, and the next episode.                                   u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~       t
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen                                               !
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Another Toxic Custard has bean and gone.
Melbourne, Australia------------\ Butt if you'd like to get an e-mail
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ subscription, just reply two this,
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