From: neff@vcd.hp.com (Dave Neff)
Newsgroups: rec.nude
Subject: Re: First time CO beach
Date: 14 Apr 92 23:14:28 GMT
Article-I.D.: vcd.1992Apr14.231428.13415
Organization: Hewlett-Packard VCD

Regarding the first visit to a CO beach and responses of family and
friends to such an unusual activity.

Although I had skinny dipped when in wilderness areas when alone or with
a friend since I was in high school, it was reading rec.nude a couple
years ago that encouraged me to visit a CO beach two years ago.  I
visitted Bonny Dune beach when in the Bay Area on business a couple
of times that summer and locally I once visitted Sauvie Island in Portland.
I really enjoyed the experiences but I hadn't told my wife about anything
except occasionally skinny dipping when in a remote wilderness area.
My wife thought this was an odd thing to do, and mentioned she could
never do such a thing, but didn't particularly object to skinny dipping
in a remote area when I was alone.

My wife is from a very strict, stifling, upbringing.  I knew the CO beach
experiences were not sexual in nature but I thought my wife would hold to the
standard false belief that nudity is an offer of sexual availability and
that a CO beach is a place where sexual swingers frequent.  It turned
out that my wife's response was all I had expected, and more ...

After coming back from a trip where I visitted Bonny Dune beach a
couple of times my wife commented on my tan and noticed the lack of
tan lines.  So I explained I had been to a nude beach.  First, my
wife didn't even believe me, then when it sunk in she really
"wigged out".  She wanted me to promise to never do it again.
She said she couldn't feel close to me or that I really cared about
our relationship if I could do such a thing against her will.
So I reluctantly promised to be a "good boy".

Last summer, I tried to be a "good boy".  I really tried. But I guess there is
just is some part of me that just plain isn't a good boy and I did go to
a local CO beach a few times, and I also sunned and swam in some remote
areas where I would also fish.  Now I didn't feel good about going
against my wife's wishes (and my promise), but I didn't feel good about
my wife's wishes -- or should I say demands -- and I resented the sense
that I had made the promise under duress.  I had felt rebelious against
societies view of the human body and nudity for the last 20 years of my
life and I resented my wife's desire for me to stuff these feelings.

Anyway, about four months ago my wife and I started some marriage counseling.
Clearly my wife's response to my CO activities was just the tip of a very
large iceberg of strict, stifling and controling attitudes that were hurting
my wife, our marriage, and our family.  In dealing with some of these
topics, I brought up the CO recreation issue with our psychotherapist
and explained how it was a previous hot issue.  As I had hoped and expected
the therapist -- who is a woman if anyone cares -- thought my experience
with CO recreation was positive and healthy, and thought my wife's objections
were conrolling and "de-selfing" (that is, forcing me to be untrue to
who I am).  It was a very hard issue for us to rehash.  In fact, my wife
at first continued to insist if I ever went to a CO beach again she would
leave me (not for good, just until I promised to be a "good boy" again).

Fortunately, after some difficult discussion of the issue my wife now
has decided if I really want to go to what she calls "nudie beaches"
and I really am not sexually motivated then she doesn't care much any
more  -- although she still wishes I wouldn't and still feels that I
should submit to her wishes in this area on the general principle
of showing I care about the relationship.  It has also been hard for
my wife to learn we don't always have to agree, or want the same things,
or do the same things to have a good marriage.  It has been hard for
her to accept that going against her wishes do not imply I don't care.
A mature, caring, relationship should allow us to be ourselves and
accept differences between one another.  This entire problem has
been helped by the fact that I truly am a "good boy", who has always
been a good father, dependable, faithful, and very supportive of my wife
while she has been dealing with some difficult things in her past. I just
hold to a very strange belief that the human body in general, and
mine in particular, is neither ugly nor evil and is not in need of
constant covering.

So now I finally feel much more free to be myself in this area without
a sense of sneaking around behind my wife (or anyone else).  Maybe
some day my wife will be more open in this area, but for now I am not
pressuring her to change and adopt my attitudes about CO recreation nor
is she pressuring me to change -- in theory.  I'll find out more this
summer how this understanding between my wife and myself works in practice.

Dave Neff
neff@hp-vcd.vcd.hp.com
Newsgroups: rec.nude