From: Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu (Albert Lunde)
Subject: bi polyamory (was the "oh" experience)
Followup-To: soc.bi
Originator: lunde@casbah.acns.nwu.edu
Reply-To: Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu (Albert Lunde)
Organization: Ministry of Silly Walks
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 02:35:57 GMT

In article <1992Aug18.230422.87@cbnews.cb.att.com> 
 eleanor@cbnews.cb.att.com (eleanor.j.evans) writes:
>As I've no doubt made extremely clear, I've just recently affirmed
>my bisexuality (I've always thought that maybe I was, but never had
>any concrete evidence).  
[...]
>Just a week ago, I went down to visit some old friends, including
>an ex-boyfriend of mine, with whom the old flame started re-igniting.
>Wanting to get some of our issues out in front before we went too
>much farther, I said "how do you feel about bisexuality?"  He wanted
>to know if he got to play, too, and talked about how hot the idea
>of two girls making it was.  (Ugh, major turnoff.)  I explained that
>when I was with a woman, I didn't want to be with a man, and she
>probably didn't either; that women don't sleep with each other to
>fulfil a man's fantasies--it's not a performance.  He actually took
>to that incredibly well.  I told him the story of my first (and so
>far only) time with a woman, in which there was a man in bed with
>us whom we _totally_ ignored (not having any expectation that we
>would feel this way, this was not deliberate cruelty, really it 
>wasn't--the guy in the case, or rather in the bed, was incredibly
>understanding about it--I frankly had expected a pout or two).  
>
>At this point, the guy I'm explaining all this to (and considering
>dating again), says something to the effect that he would feel more
>comfortable about my girlfriend(s) if he got to meet them or otherwise
>know about them, if they weren't a secret.  My jaw almost dropped.
>I was mumbling something about not having a boyfriend and a girlfriend
>(dreadful words, aren't they?  manfriend and womanfriend sound even
>worse) at the same time, when he said "if you're bisexual, you really
>need one of each to be fully satisfied, don't you?"  We then spent
>a lot of time talkig about his (typical, by all the men I've ever talked
>to on the subject) experiences with same-sex fooling around.
>
>So, now I'm feeling much better about this guy and any potential
>future relationship.  I do have a moral dilemma, however.  I lean
>towards polyamory, personally.  However, if he does not, and our
>putative future relationship is not based on those grounds, I cannot
>in conscience have an additional SO who happens to be a woman--that
>would trivialize our relationship (woman/woman) and/or cheat on the basic 
>ground-rules with his and my relationship.  On the other hand, our
>relationship will likely be poly-amorous--I think.  Also, anything
>we start right now is going to be a long-distance relationship, which
>for me has always had different ground-rules.  I just don't want a
>possible relationship with a woman to be perceived or treated by me
>as less important than this possible relationship with this man.
>Does that make sense?  Am I splitting moral hairs in my argument?
>Should I refrain from making passes at attractive women that I meet??
>
>Help!!
>
>Piglet, drowning in a sea of morality--or amorality, depending...

Sounds like you are summarizing the issues pretty well, and trying to
be responsible. Now that you know what your bi and poly leanings are,
you have to decide what you want to do with them.

I'm hardly an expert but -- trying to take your motss and motos 
relationships seriously and communicating clearly with the parties 
involved seem like good ideas.

On another hand, even in a mono relationship, there can be room for close
friendships -- or even flirtation (but be clear about your intentions or
some hearts will be bent out of shape -- if not broken ;).

Talking about your "ground rules" now may raise concerns in your friend,
but it seems better to work on this up front when it is not a hot issue,
and to make clear what your working assumptions are to each other.

Best wishes!
-- 
 Albert Lunde         | Interfaith  |     *Y*Y*      "A branch on the
 Albert-Lunde@nwu.edu |  Bisexual   |      *Y*        tree of life"
 alunde@nuacvm.bitnet |  Feminist   |.......|.........................
Xref: sparky soc.bi:11006 alt.polyamory:958