From: das@media.mit.edu (David Sheppard)
Subject: Re: I need to talk.
Organization: MIT Media Laboratory
Distribution: na
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 19:52:36 GMT

In article <...> slg@well.sf.ca.us (Sean L. Gilley) writes:
> [backround & setup for expectations of intimate time and
>  possible first lovemaking with a close friend...
>  then plans change & this is no longer possible ]
>
>When I found this out, I was dissappointed.  I had hoped for some time
>alone with this friend of mine, and I guess I don't now feel that will
>happen.  And it's not that I don't want to see my wife and son -- I do,
>but I also wanted this other time.
> 
>I don't know.  I have all these conflicting feelings about what I
>*should* feel.  Not to mention all (or most) of our society telling
>me that these feelings -- let alone the intimacies we've shared --
>are entirely wrong.
>
Sean, what society says doesn't matter.  This is what I've learned
about how to be true to myself:  FEEL the authentic emotions.  Don't
let thoughts intrude, censor and mask the feelings unless that's the
only way you can cope.  Your experience is more real than your
expectations, and so are your emotions.  Expectations and thoughts
are secondary, and other people's expectations & thoughts are
tertiary--they are only as real as they effect you and the others
involved.  True, having their voices echo in your head has at least 
a small effect.

Listen to what your Feelings say to you.  Listen to the thoughts too,
and hear the different voices which are speaking.  Some of these
voices are less you than others--e.g., societal voices telling you
what is right & wrong.  What do your own actions in your own life
bring to you and those immediately around you?  *This* is what
matters.  Your world, your wife's world, your son's world, your
friend's world.  These are real people & they matter; communication,
love, trust and clarity are important to preserve.  What is at risk 
here?  What could change or be "lost"?  What are each person's fears?
Are you afraid that the "window of opportunity" with your friend may
close?  Are you or your wife afraid that outside contact could disrupt
the stability and quality of your family?

If your wife "doesn't want to know", maybe it is not yet time to
consummate.  Maybe you three could have some open heart-to-heart
on this.  Can you communicate how much you love each of them at
once, together?  Could you openly hear about their fears and make
efforts to safeguard your trust and love?  There is more life ahead;
maybe this consummation is bigger than you thought and isn't as
"easy" as you'd hoped--so now you have more time to work out the 
complexities, be upfront and take your time.  Respect yourself and
everyone else involved;  be real.  All this is a TALL order, but it
is in reaching for our *personal* ideals that we grow.  

Your ideals may differ; I've given mine to provoke yours to speak up!

>Still sometimes the experience is love is so overwhelming that I
>have to tell someone, talk to someone, express myself somehow.  I've
>often written music or poetry, today I'm writing to the net.  
>
Yeah, do it!  I believe that creative expression is a major purpose
in our lives here on Earth.

>sean.l.gilley@att.com slg@well.sf.ca,us 71155.306@Compuserve.com

May your life continue to be enriched, daily, by your love and
experience;  namaste',

--das dave


Newsgroups: alt.polyamory