From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Sierra's back! - with questions about confrontations
Date: 21 Dec 92 16:58:19 GMT
Organization: UNC Charlotte

In article <BzMA62.95y@twwells.com>
anon-1498@twwells.com (Sierra) writes:
 
>  I have missed this place, and I'm glad to be back (I
>think).
 
Glad to have you back, Sierra!!! Sasha says Hi to your cat.
 
> I know getting my parents out of my life will
>be a major step, but how much will it really do?  One of the things which
>made the first time I confronted them so traumatic was that I expected my
>mother to believe me, and it really shocked and upset me when I didn't.
>I don't want to go into this confrontation with overblown expectations,
>too.
 
After I "divorced" mine for good, I lost a 7 year phobia of elevators (fear
of being trapped). This was an immediate obvious sign that I'd done the
right thing (for me).
 
>And now I've been starting to wonder if it's fair to them to plan on
>cutting them out of my life ("divorcing" myself from them).  Shouldn't
>I give them a chance?  What if they react positively to what I have to
>say?  Maybe my father will admit what he's done, given enough time... A
>therapist told me that 90% of all abusers deny it, and I really don't think
>they'll react positively, but shouldn't I give them a chance?
 
Let me state first of all that my response is *strictly my personal opinion*.
BUT, why the hell should you give them a chance? How many chances did they
give you when you were growing-up? Not too goddamn many. Don't hold your
breath waiting for them to say that they're sorry for abusing you. My grand-
father died without ever having said this to my mother (he was in his late
70s or early 80s so he'd had plenty of time to apologize if he wanted to).
The only sorrow my mother ever expressed for the abuse she and her husband
inflicted upon me was sorrow that she might possibly get in trouble!
 
 
>If any of you all have confronted your perps, how did it go?  What is it
>really like to formally cut off ties with your family?  Do you have any
>suggestions for how I should handle this?  I could certainly use advice.
 
First of all, ***be careful*** I can't stress this enough! These are sick
people and you can't be sure how they'll react when their filth is uncovered
under the bright light of day.  They *may* react violently.
 
When I was 20 (1984), I wrote my perps a letter (their Christmas gift from
me!) detailing some of the worst abuses I suffered and explaining in no
uncertain terms that I wanted nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, I had
very few people around me at that time who were at all supportive. My thera-
pist tried to tell me I didn't know what I was talking about when I expressed
my fear of their violent retaliation. Other dipshits laid a bunch of guilt on
me about "you can't turn your back on your family."  When I went to visit my
maternal grandparents over New Years holiday, they were verbally abusive to
me for stirring-up trouble in the family. (my mother hadn't told them what was
in the letter, just that I'd told her and howard to get lost).
 
I crumbled under the lack of support (I was scared to death) and called my
mother and gave her my address and asked her to bring-up some furniture of
mine that was in her house. (I had next to none and my roommate had very
little).  Well, I guess they thought it was business as usual. They were
verbally abusive towards me for one thing. And for another, it was clear
that they'd thought all along that I wouldn't be able to stand-up to them.
 
Six months (1985) later I moved again and this time *didn't* even tell them I'd
moved, got a P.O. box in case I did need to communicate with them, and
only gave my grandmother my work phone # (home was/is unlisted).
 
Well, things went along quietly for about a year and a half. In early 1987 I
began getting harassing calls at work from my mother. Other times someone
(probably my brother) would call and try to get info. about me. Apparently,
they were beginning to realize that (this time) ***I wasn't backing down.***
A few months later howard appeared at my job looking for me (he didn't realize
I worked second shift). One of the security guards at work had called me at
home to warn me. howard also showed up at my apartment that morning. I thought
about calling the police (but when I was 16 and had called them they wouldn't
do anything).
 
At this point I got really fed-up and called my mother when I knew she would
be home and he wouldn't. I cussed her out and told her I was sick of her and
howard's garbage and that they'd better leave me alone. I wanted to get the
point across that they might as well stop trying to intimidate and threaten
me. Yes, I was scared, but that just made me madder.
 
Next howard called my boss and my therapist and said things like "i'm gonna
get her." So, I went to see a friend of mine who is a lawyer specializing in
battered women's cases, etc. He wrote an "official" letter to howard explain-
ing that I could sue him (the boss and the therapist could testify in court
as witnesses that he'd threatened me; he's kind of dumb). My lawyer also
warned me that the letter could act as a red flag to howard and said that I
should have people drive me home from work and walk me to my door instead of
taking the bus.
 
Well, the upshot of all this was that the perps finally realized that they
couldn't get away with abusing me any more, but it took several years to
convince them of this. Sorry, I didn't mean to get so autobiographical, but
I wanted to give my background so you'd know that I'm speaking from personal
experience.
 
Here are some pointers based on my experience:
 
1. Before doing anything, try to find a lawyer like mine who knows about how
to deal with abusers and how they are likely to react.
 
2. If people try to tell you they know more than you do about your specific
situation, take what they say with a grain of salt. (i.e. the perps reacted
like I thought they would despite what the know-it-all therapist claimed).
 
3. Be sure you have supportive people around you (ideally in your neighborhood/
workplace/place of worship). When my friends found out what I was doing (some
of my best friends live in other cities), *they* were 100% supportive. This
was crucial!!!
 
Well, enough of my bossiness for now...I hope everything works out for you...
do what *you* think is best...
 
Erin