From: davis@ucsu.Colorado.EDU (Barbara Davis)
Subject: Re: Mom @ college cont . . .
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 16:18:40 GMT

samn@athena.mit.edu (Valerie Samn) writes:

>well, just to let y'all know how it's going, things aren't turning out
>the way i thought it would . . . some for better and some for worse . . .
>'some for worse' is the fact that my mom wavers in her decisions and
>cannot decide whether or not to 1) go back home and seek counseling or
>2) stay here and establish a life of her own or 3) go home and forget the
>whole thing (as she has done so many times in the past).  By the laws of
>entropy and/or lowest energy states, she seems to choose #3 more than 
>either of the first two . . . which i feel to be an extreme mistake because
>even though the problem/conflict/fight/frustration she has with my father
>is constant, her desire to commit suicide has seemed to increase with each 
>argument lately.  this is something that i have encountered to a large extent
>this time.  but i think that she has agreed that if she goes home she
>will buy a ticket with an open-ended return, so that will help . . .

>and she seems to forget the reasons behind certain decisions and seems
>to feel strongly about entirely differnt things from moment to moment
>and i am sometimes ready to give up but then i think that if i let her
>be then she will make the same confining and dangerous decision this
>time.  

You have begun to learn a couple of important things.  First, beware of 
writing the other person's lines in the "script of life".  You have your
story of who your mom is and I am willing to bet the farm that your story
is different from her story of her own life.

We often create a whole dialog in our heads of how we expect a person to
react.  Then no matter how they actually react and what they actually say,
we respond as if they had played the expected part.

Don't put so much energy into expecting certain things to happen.  Just stay
open to what is actually happening, what is actually said.  This, combined
with lots of honest reactions to what is happening, will usually strengthen
your relationship with your mom.

Don't be afraid to treat her as an adult and act like an adult with her.  And
don't be afraid to tell her that you love her.

Second, people in crisis can't always make decisions they can stick with.  I
see your role in this strictly as a listener.  Let her voice her feelings
and her needs.  Often we think we feel a certain way but when we voice it
outloud to someone who is really listening, we find that we feel entirely
differently.  Be her sounding board.  That is the greatest gift you can give
her now.

Don't try to be her rescuer.  Rescuing takes away her power to help herself.
Don't insist on her making decisions, especially ones that will make you
feel better like leaving the way open to leave her husband again if things
go wrong.  She is either committed to making her marriage work or she isn't.
Insisting she make decisions like this weaken her chances of working out
the best solutions for her.

I agree with all the supportive statements from other posters.  You must
indeed look after yourself.  And I also know for a fact that our mothers
often are not the same as our story about them.  I learned that this summer.
I learned that my mom had always loved me dearly and that for some reason
when I was a child, I decided she didn't love me and so I was not able to
see love in anything she did.  And I saw malice in all her actions that
hurt me.

I have been able to talk to her about many of those things that hurt me and
I have listened to her memory of what happened.  Never once was her intent
to do me harm.  We have begun to build a new relationship based on the
firm belief that we love each other and that we want the other as a part
of our lives.

Please do continue to take good care of yourself, continue to keep us all in
the picture and at least "try on" the idea that your mom loves you, is
proud of you, and has always had your best interests at heart.

Barb
-- 
Barbara G. Davis                       Internet:  davis@ucsu.colorado.edu
University of Colorado, Boulder 

                   If I don't ask, you can't say, "Yes!".
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