From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Subject: Re: Adolescense, misery, and the damned
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California
Date: Tue, 07 Apr 1992 00:30:16 GMT

In article <1992Apr3.043354.5177@StarConn.com> alan@StarConn.com (Alan Deikman) writes:
>
>I don't want to get into a litany of all the problems teenagers face.
>My point is that teenagers rebel because adults do not seem to be
>helping with solving these problems in any real way.  Rebelling is all
>they can do, since they don't have the experience and knowledge to solve
>the situation any other way.  In that way, teenage rebellion is indeed
>healthy, because the only other route is depression and apathy.  It is
>my belief, however, in that a growth environment a young person will not
>have a need (or the time) to rebel, act out, or make himself/herself
>obnoxious.  I'm not saying there won't be problems, but the trick is to
>get the parent and the child on the same side, not opposite sides.
>

I don't know.  To me that sounds like saying "2 Year Olds say 'NO' because
adults do not seem to be helping them solve problems in any real way."  THe
fact is that teen-agers rebel for the same reasons 2 YOs say 'NO'.  They
need to separate themselves from their parents.  

Let's really look at the teen-age years.  Each and every generation develops
a) its own way of dressing, b) its own music, c) its own food.  Don't you think
that should tell us something.  Teens desperately want an identity of their
very own, not Mom's identity or Dad's identity.  So they try new things out.

I suppose if you wanted a society of automatons, rebellion isn't healthy.  But
as I recall from my history classes, one of the unique things about the US
society is that we value "rugged individuality".  Rebellious teens is one
of the prices we pay for that individuality.

So I think it is VERY healthy to rebel.  But we, as adults, need to teach them
ways to rebel that are healthy rather than self destructive.  For example, my
children will probably rebel by becoming health food freaks and ragging on
my diet and lack of exercise.  They most likely won't rebel with drugs because
both Mom and Dad have "been there, done that".  

Miss Manners has an excellent article that I will paraphrase.

Dear Miss Manners,

My 13 YO loves to wear bright red finger nail polish.  I keep telling her
that this is a sign of being a harlot, but she just won't listen.

Dear Gentle Reader,

My first inclination is to say to you to lighten up and let your teen develop
her own sense of style.  After all, red finger nail polish is not what it used
to be.  But on second thought, I realized that you have the perfect vehicle
for teen-age rebellion and should you give in on the red finger nail polish,
your daughter might find something more dangerous to cross you with.  So,
hang tough.  Continue to forbid her wearing red finger nail polish.

>Not that *I* have accomplished this, however.  It is just that my ideal
>is always frustrated when psychologists stand up and say teenage rebellion
>is healthy, and then fail to say that the environment has anything to do
>with it.  Teenage rebellion is *not* always healthy.
>
>

When my son was in the throes of the terrible twos (and boy does he have
SOME leadership potential ;-) I used to say what I referred to as the Mommy
Mantra.

	"I want my child to grow into an autonomous human being who
	makes his own decisions.  This is part of the process."

I think this mantra applies to teen-agers as well.  Unless, of course, you
want your teens to blindly obey authority figures and not investigate things
thoroughly for themselves and make their own independent well thought out
decisions.  That's not what I want for my kids.  It wasn't what I wanted for
myself.  

I was a rebellious teen-ager.  And some of my fondest memories are of the
totally insane incredibly stupid things we used to do and get away with because
guardian angels work overtime during the teen years.  I wouldn't trade those
memories for the world.  Nor would I give up the wisdom gained.	

-- 
I finally decided what I want on my tombstone...

	"Here lies Judy Leedom Tyrer.  The world will never see another like 
	 her.  We are undecided on whether this is a good thing or a bad thing."	
Newsgroups: alt.parents-teens