From: joshi@mercury.ncat.edu
Subject: ** Indian Marriage **
Organization: North Carolina A&T State University
Distribution: usa
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 17:57:52 GMT

Hi netters,

	Here is a piece on arranged marriage that is really funny. Enjoy !!!
	

**************************************************************************
              The Arranged Marriage: An Investigative Report 
              =====================  =======================
  
                    All Rights (and Wrongs) Preserved
  
                   Photocopyrighted (No Xeroxes please) 
  
                    Quote this and "Hum Tumhe Tumhari
                        Naani Yaad Dila Denge" ** 
  
  
(** The author wishes to express his thanks to the Prime Minister's Office
    for permission to use this quote.) 
  
  
Haven't you always wondered what *really* happens in an arranged marriage? 
How is the bride selected? How is the groom chosen? What are they thinking
about while making this choice? What do their respective parents think? 
Now, finally, we have some answers! In an investigative report conducted 
by the author and a team of 29 topnotch investigators from various 
investigative agencies such as the CID, CIA, CBI, MI5.9, RAW, and KUKD a much 
clearer picture of what really happens has emerged. This report presents
the facts.
  
The report is organized as follows: Section I outlines the issues of concern 
to all unmarried and some married folk. Section II then details....
(Oh, heck! Just read the darn thing, okay??!) 
------
  
The Selection Process: 
--------------------- 
  
It is never easy finding a bride or a groom. That is the reason The
Guy Upstairs created the middleman (go-between) who is usually a woman.
Of course, in the space-age we live in it could also be a computer
matching the couple-to-be, but more likely would be the "Wanted" 
ads in the major newspapers where a typical matrimonial for a bride 
runs as follows:
  
               Wanted; Tall, fair, beautiful, cultured,
               professional girl for well-settled, 
               Punjabi khatri boy in his late twenties, 
               drawing a 5 figure income. 
               Caste, creed, religion no bar. Sex baar-baar
               (baar-baar means Again and Again in Hindi !!).
  
Translation: 
               We are desperate! We have a 29 1/2 year old son 
               who's never been on a date. He earns very little 
               which he blows on booze and gambling anyway. 
               We don't give a sh*t who the girl is as long
               as she has a decent reputation. And the guy *is*
               getting desperate! 
  
A typical matrimonial for a groom usually goes like this:
  
               Wanted; Tall, handsome, well-settled, professional
               boy, 26-28 yrs. for fair, beautiful, homely
               Aggarwal girl finishing her MA this year. Send 
               returnable photo. 
  
Translation: 
               We are sick and tired of all these bozos we've
               been seeing for our daughter! We want to marry 
               her off before she starts getting ideas of a 
               career and gets out of hand. Her boyfriends
               are beginning to become a pain in the a*s. Non-
               Aggarwals need not apply! And dorks; stay away! 
  
Either through the newspaper or the go-between (usually the 
massi's(Aunt) bhabhi's(Sister-in-law) younger sister's friend's aunt 
who has nothing better to do than make matches and then bore the whole 
world with details of all the "successes" she's had with getting
people together!) the respective parents finally narrow the list
to the "good" prospects. Then comes the harrowing part of going
to teas (and dinners) to meet the meat. The shopping is underway!
  
  
Boy Meets Girl; Girl Meets Boy; Girl's Younger Sisters go to the Movies 
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 
  
This is the crucial stage! First impressions last for a long, long 
time and word-of-mouth about lousy first impressions can ruin ones 
future prospects. So, it's time for the finest silk and polyester
to come forth and drape the girl and guy, respectively. The guy arrives 
in the traditional white pants (flared), 2" thick black belt, white
"dress" shoes with brown heels, and hair (shoulder length) combed back 
with lots of brylcream. The girl's parents take one look and 
gasp for breath. "Was this the guy Maindhoondtihoon(I-will-search) 
Behen(Sister) recommended so highly!?" they wonder. The younger brother 
blurts out, "Hello, so you are the new bakra (goat)!?" and is quickly 
silenced and sent to the other room never to be seen or heard from again.
  
After the usual "Namastes-jees"(Indian Greeting) and "Beta idhar aake bethos" 
("Soncome and sit here") the BIG moment arrives. The bride-to-be-or-not- 
to-be arrives all decked out in the finest silk sari that her mom 
could borrow from the neighbors. Tea set in hand (which, of course,
belongs to Mrs. Merateasetlelo(take-my-tea-set) down the street) she walks 
towards the groom-to-be-or-not-to-be a little hesitatingly. Her parents
look at her adoringly forgetting for that instant all the hassles
they had to go through to get her to agree to see this highly 
recommended catch. She peeks at the guy and almost faints! 
What are they all thinking about, you ask? Our extensive 
interviews indicate the following trains of thought and what they 
*actually* say when the girl enters: 
  
Bride-to-be-or-not-to-be: (Eeeks! I spend the rest of my life with *this*!?)
                          Hello (to the guy) Namastejee (to the ma and pa) 
Groom-to-be-or-not-to-be: (*Drool*drool*drool* Hmmm...I wonder if my drool
                          is very obvious? Maybe I should wipe it off...?)
                          Namaste (to the girl). 
Guy's Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Ladkikabaap(Bride's father) knows anyone 
           in the Ministry..) 
           Namaste beti (How're ya doing daughter).
Guy's Mom: (Did I just see her stoop to the left a little when she walked...?)
           Beti mere paas aake baitho (Daughter come and sit beside me).
Gal's Dad: (Hmmm..I wonder if Mr. Droolerkabaap(Drool's-Dad) knows anyone 
            in the Industry..) 
           Beti chai idhar rakh do (Daughter leave the tea here). 
Gal's Mom: (God, I hope she doesn't drop the tea pot all over him...
           Yeh chai Hotbabe beti ne banai hai (This tea is made by
           our daughter Hotbabe).
  
With this the small talk takes over as everyone drinks the tea (prepared, 
of course, by the cook!). The usual questions are asked pertaining 
to the girl's life history in general. The guy just stares at his cup
of tea wondering what to say or do. The girl's dad notices his 
daughter being grilled and decides to step in and save her with: 
  
Gal's Dad: Beta, tum bahut chup-chup hoe... 
           (Son, you are very quiet-quiet.) 
Guy: (Flustered) *Gulp* Jee, Jee... *Blush* (a manly one though) 
Guy's Mom (to the rescue!): Ajee yeh tow aisa he hai. Zyaada bolta-balta nahi.
                            (Oh, he is like that. The quiet sort.)
Girl: (Thinks -- Yeah, sure!) 
Guy's Dad: Bhai aapki doosri ladkiyaan nahi dikhai deteen. 
           (Brother I don't see your other daughters.) 
Gal's Mom: Woh, woh picture dekhne gayi hain... 
           (They, they have gone to see a movie...) 
Guy's Mom (the ever suspicious one thinks): Hmmm...I wonder why? Must ask 
              Maindhoondihoon(I-will-find-someone) Behen(sister) about them.. 
  
While all this is transpiring, the guy's mom is doing some fast
thinking for the future of her son. Her suspicion of the "stoop
while the girl walked" has blossomed into a "I'm certain she
stooped to the left while she was walking." She blurts out: 
  
Guy's Mom: Beti, zara chal ke dikhana...
           (Daughter, just shoow me your walk...) 
Girl: Kya!?!
      (What!?!)
Guy: (Mouth open, drools -- a small puddle is now visible on the floor.) 
  
A pregnant pause ensues. Things are definitely not going well. Besides,
the samosas(Indian sncks) are too salty. Then the girl's mom diplomatically 
says: 
  
Gal's Mom: Haan, haan Hotbabe beti. Joe aunty kehti hain karke dikha do. 
           (Yes, yes Hotbabe daughter. Do whatever your aunt-of-sorts says.) 
Girl: (A more disbelieving) Kya!?!
      (What!?!)
  
So, very reluctantly, she gets up to do "The Walk" that could well 
determine her fate and future. After a tantalizing (to the guy) and 
agonizing (to the girl) 2 minutes the guy's mom looks visibly satisfied 
realizing that the girl's stoop was an optical illusion created by the
high refractive index of the silk Kanjivaram sari she is wearing.
Meanwhile, the girl's looking at the guy as if asking, "Now, let's 
see *you* pull that off!" Seeing the obvious stare the guy gets a 
little flustered wondering, "Maybe she is 'forward'. The way she's 
looking at me..." The meaning of the stare is completely lost on him.
  
The Decision: 
------------
  
The crucial point is fast approaching. A decision is to made about the 
future course of action and whether these two lonely hearts are to be
united or an attempt at doing so looked into further.
  
Girl's Mom: Haan, tho behenjee, phir aapka kya khyaal hai...
            (Yes, so, sister, what do you think...) 
Guy's Mom: Ajee, behenjee, hamare kehne say kya hota hai. Aajkal
           ke zamane mein tho ladka-ladki maan jaye yahi kafi hai 
           hamare liye. 
           (Listen, sister, it doesn't matter what we have to say.
            In these times if the guy-gal agree that's adequate.) 
Girl's Dad: Bhai, ladka bhi yahin hai aur ladki bhi. Inhe he baat 
            karne do phir... 
            (Brother, the guy and gal are both here. Let them talk.) 
Guy's Dad: Haan, haan. Hum beech mein kabab mein haddi kyun bane. HA
           HA HA!!
           (Yes, yes. Why should we be the bone in the Ka-bob.)
Guy: (Looks all around with a what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this-agony look) 
     *Gulp*
Girl: (Feeling a sense of euphoria coming on and realizing that *this*
      was *it* -- A ONE-ON-ONE!!) *Forced Blush* (Writer's Interjection:
      Yes, folks, it *is* possible to do that without much makeup. One
      just has to think of the time when one was caught necking with one's
      boyfriend in the park.) 
  
  
The One-on-One (a.k.a. The End):
------------------------------- 
  
This is it! This is the moment she has been waiting for. Now there
is no hiding behind mummyjee's(Respected Mother's) generous behind for 
Mr. Shadi-karane-chale-the-bhaisaab(He-who-would-like-to-get-married)! 
In an effort to "take control of the situation" out hero initiates the talk... 
  
Guy:  You look bhery one-durr-full... (very wonderful !!!)
Girl: (Controlling the smirk) Thanks. So, what are you doing these days?
Guy:  I am between jobs now. Spend lots of time at home these days... 
Girl: And what do you do at home ("Help mummy with the samosas I bet,"
      she thinks)? 
Guy:  Oh, I read lots of magazines...
Girl: What are you favorite ones...? 
Guy:  Oh, Stardust, Femina, Eve's Weekly etc ...(All these are women's mags.)
Girl: (Almost rolls over in hysterics) Oh...mmmmmffff...achcha...(Oh Yeah)
Guy:  Would you like to go summ-dhay to a ress-traant(resturant)... 
Girl: Ummm...I don't think so...
Guy:  (Devastated look) Oh...
  
The end is near (as any person can tell by now) to this entire ordeal 
for our heroine-of-the-moment. Of course, next time the tables could be
turned and the whole situation reversed! The amazing thing is that
when a rejection is conveyed it is always a two-sided deal. That is,
the girl and boy reject each other simultaneously. One never hears that 
the girl/boy rejected the other. It's as if the decision is reached at
the same instant in time. And so, after all this, we find that their 
respective egos are still intact for the next such encounter!
  
------------
Note: The intention of this article was *not* to bruise 
      any egos or to "make fun" of any particular religion,
      caste, creed, sexual orientation (!). I may be accused of
      portraying the guy as a total geek. Okay so I did. So sue me! (:)
      Any resemblence to any person, living or dead, is purely
      coincidential (yeah, sure...and I also have this bridge I 
      want to dispose off...).
------------
I hope people enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. If you've made
it this far, I congratulate you on your perseverance and single-mindedness!
May the Farce be with you!! 
------

************************************************************************ 
   Arranged Marriages II: The Suhaag Raat (The Wedding Night)
  =====================  ===================================
 
        (Haan, haan, quoto-quoto... See if *I* care)
          (Yes, yes, quote this...See if *I* care)
 
 
[This article has been made possible due to a grant from the
 manufacturers of Kohinoors...(Most famous brand of Indian Condoms)
 
      "Kohinoor! Hum aapki zindagi ko rangeen banate hain."
      ("Kohinoor! We make your life colorful.")
 
If you've ever listened to Hindi songs on a regular basis
you must have heard that famous Mukesh tune from the movie
_Kabhie Kabhie_ (_Sometimes Sometimes_) that goes:
 
Man: "...suhaag raat hai, ghunghat utha raha hun main..."
     ("...it's the first night and I am lifting the veil
      ...hubba hubba, am I gonna have some fun!")
 
Now, one may wonder if all this was *really* that straight-
forward. I mean, assuming that the ghunghat comes off.
*Then* what? Now, don't get me wrong (especially all you
married "experts" out there!). Before you start saying
things like, "Geez! Where has this guy been all these
years?!", think about all the things that could go wrong
(and have gone wrong!) in the case of an ARRANGED marriage.
I mean, here are two (almost) complete strangers who are
suddenly put in a position (and I'm not referring to the
Kamasutra, yet) where they are expected to get intimate! Is
it any surprise then that things may not be as smooth
as one may expect?
 
It may surprise and, yes, even horrify some of you, but
recent research indicates that there may actually be more to
it than meets the eye. In our recent research on the
"Arranged Marriages" some startling revelations were made
about *really* what goes on. In the never-ending quest for
truth, justice, and the Indian way of life, what follows is
a sequel (in keeping with the Summer Spirit) to the arranged
marriage -- the Arranged Suhaag Raat and its aftermath
(a.k.a. The Day After The Day). Since we are going to be
delving deep into the Wedding Night of a couple that, for
all practical purposes (and I do mean *practical*) hasn't
even met yet, things could get pretty rough and sexually
intense. Then again maybe not! In either case, I would
recommend keeping a bucket of COLD water handy.
 
The Preamble
------------
 
We start with our heroine from the Arranged Marriage fiasco,
Ms. Hotbabe Parayadhan(Someone-else's propoerty), who has since found her 
mate, Mr. Yeman A. Kyakiya(What-did-I-do), a well-settled professional 
drawing a five-figure income. Hotbabe has a very vague idea regarding
what her naya-navela (brand new) hubby does for a living. As
her mummy-in-law mentioned very eloquently, "...he works
with computers..." Suffice it to say that he is not expected
to be home most of the day. She's still quite uncertain what
he expects her to call him and has made a mental note about
asking him about that. She'd definitely prefer "Honey" or
"Darling" to the archaic "Ajee, sunte hoe" ("Hey you, do
you listen") or, worse, "Suntay hoe, Chunnu, Munnu, Lallu,
Phateechar ke bapu" ("Do you listen, Chunnu, Munnu, Wimp,
Torn-Chair's (:-) dad"), but isn't quite sure of "his"
reaction. Of course, she could venture to call him by his
(*gasp*) first name, but is quite certain that mummy-in-law
won't stand for it. So, for now he is just plain "He".
 
The wedding over, the newly-weds are traditionally expected
to spend the Suhaag Raat (Wedding Night) at an hotel. Far
from the often irritating relatives and friends who insist
on being part of each and every phase of the marriage.
However, Mr. Kyakiya, mindful of how expensive hotel rooms
have become has decided NOT to follow tradition. Instead the
suhaag raat is to take place AT HOME, presumably under the
watchful eye of everyone including his parents and
Maindhoondtihoon behen, the go-between, who's staying over
to make sure that her match is successful! Of course,
Hotbabe is not aware of this change in plans, yet...
 
Kyakiya Bhaisaab(Brother-Sir) is prepared. No, this is not
the preparedness one would expect from a person taking a one
week trip to Bangkok. Kyakiya-jee has recently been schooled
in the facts-of-life vis-a-vis the opposite sex. A second
cousin, thrice removed, and, more importantly, a woman, who
happens to be a dentist, has been kind enough to furnish our
hero with the basics so he doesn't mistake the word
"Carefree" for chewing-gum and "periods" for what he had to
endure during high-school. The cousin, Dr. Meera Adviselo(Take-My-Advice),
has also clearly explained the significance of phrases such
as "Mere sar mein aaj dard hai" ("I have a headache today")
and "Abhi nahi, koi dekh lega" ("Not now, someone may see")
and the associated subtleties. There is however considerable
tension and uncertainty. After all one doesn't go through
ordeals like this everyday. "Ordeal!" you exclaim? Well, of
course, what else could Yeman be thinking given the fact
that this is his third date with a woman and the second
with this particular one? There is, of course, the
anticipation of things to come, but the level of
apprehension exceeds it.
 
Meanwhile, Hotbabe is with her mummy-in-law who is busy
giving Hotbabe a quick run-down on her beloved son.
 
Mom-in-law: Beti, Yeman bahut light saleepurr hai. Koi bhi
            movement usse jagaa deti hai.
            (Daughter, Yeman is a very light sleeper. Any
            movement and he's up and about.)
Hotbabe:    (Thinks) Great, now tell me he snores too.
            (Says) Jee, achcha.
            ("Yes, o goddess of my future in this house.")
Mom-in-law: Aur woh kabhi-kabhi snore bhi karta hai agar
            usse zukhaam laga hoe...
            (Sometimes he snores when he has a cold)
Hotbabe:    Jee...
Mom-in-law: Vaise tumhe tho yeh sab chezayn pata he chal
            jayengee jaldi he (giving her a knowing smile
            followed by a nudge.)
            (You will find out about all these things)
Hotbabe:    (Thinks) No kidding!
            (Says, with the appropriate shyness) Jee...jee..
Mom-in-law: Arre, lo, isme sharmaane ki kya baat hai?
            (Hey, give, what's the reason to be coy now?)
Hotbabe:    Jee...woh...(thinks) Oh, God! Will this never
            end!?
Mom-in-law: (With a knowing smile) Oh, main tho bhool he
            gayi. Yeman tumhaare liye wait kar raha hoga
            (Yikes, I almost forgot. That horny son of mine
            must be waiting for you.)
 
Kabobs and Assorted Bones
-------------------------
 
Hotbabe is concerned. Very concerned. Is this what she
really wanted? Was this THE GUY for her? All these
uncertainties. All these doubts. Instead of being away from
everyone, she is now in their very midst with almost no
privacy. And to top it all, this was to be the night she was
supposed to have waited for all this time. She could feel a
headache coming on...
 
Enter our hero, Yeman. He's a little uncertain on what to
say. So, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind:
Yeman: "What's up...?"
 
Hotbabe takes one look at him and almost bursts out
laughing. She suppresses the urge to retort "*You* tell
*me*" and instead intones a "Oh, nothing..."
 
Yeman, realizing the question was kind of dumb, feels at a
loss for words. Suddenly, a knock on the door...
 
Yeman:      (Thinks) Bachch gaya! (I'm saved!)
Hotbabe:    (Thinks) Great, just what I need. Another
            kabob-mein-haddi (bone-in-the-kabob).
Mom-in-law: (At the door) Beta, yeh garam doodh lay lo...
            (Son, take this warm milk).
Hotbabe:    (Thinks) Wonderful! He drinks the milk and
            that's the end of that. First thing you know,
            he's fast asleep and snoring.
 
(Of course, she doesn't realize that sleep is the farthest
thing from Yeman's mind...)
 
Yeman:      Nahi, mummy-jee, rehne doe...
            (No, mommy-dearest, leave it...)
Mom-in-law: Beta, doctor nay kaha hai...
            (Son, the doc's said so...)
Hotbabe, eyebrows raised, looks at Yeman.
Yeman (to Hotbabe): Mujhe calcium deficiency hai...
                    (I got Calcium deficency)
      (to his mom): Mummy-jee abhi nahi. Rehne doe...
                    (Mommy-dearest, not now. Leave it be...)
Mom-in-law: (Very reluctantly) Achcha... (okay)
Hotbabe:    *sigh*
Yeman:      Sorry...Mummy kabhi-kabhi overdo kar dayteen
            hain...
            (Sometime-sometimes my mom overdoes it...)
Hotbabe:    (A little uncertain on how to respond) Oh...
 
Close Encounters
----------------
 
A pregnant pause ensues. Yeman's wondering what he should
do. Should he just pile on, or is he expected to be subtle
about the whole thing? What was it that his friend, Atul U.
Subkuch, had mentioned the other day? Yes! Something about
being REALLY patient and slow. He recalled Atul mention that
marriage was more like a (cricket) test match(5-dya long!!!) than a 
one-day international and that he had to stay at the crease and not
go all out right off the bat. Of course, all this could mean
that Atul knew a lot about cricket and not much else!
 
Yeman:   (Thinks) I definitely don't want a repeat of that
         incident with Hema Yekyakarrahahai...
         (Says) Tho aap kaise hoe...?
         (So, how are you...?)
Hotbabe: Hot...
Yeman:   (Appearing a little surprised and, yes, perhaps a
         little shocked at the sudden "forwardness" of his
         brand new wife) Oh...
Hotbabe: (noticing the gradual change in Yeman's facial
         expression from the usual I-am-*so*-confused to
         what appears to be insatiable lust realizes the
         significance of her reply) No, no! I mean it's hot
         in here...
Yeman:   Oh, I'll turn on the AC...
Hotbabe: Nahi, rehne deejiye.
         (No, let it be my so-called Lord-and-Master.)
 
By this time Yeman's getting a little impatient. Obviously,
his Atul's advice is doing the trick. In fact, he's not even
sure what the trick's supposed to be! He slowly approaches
Hotbabe admiring her facial features for the first time.
Coming really close now he finds himself complimenting her.
 
Yeman:   You look very nice.
Hotbabe: (Mutters) Thanks... (Thinks) I wish he'd brush his
         teeth and get rid of that beer stink.
 
Seeing Hotbabe turn her face away from him doesn't do
wonders for Yeman's fast deflating ego. By now he's wishing
he'd seen all *those* videos his friends used to rent. He
did recall parts of "Debbie Does Delhi" but that particular
one had very little relevance to his present predicament.
 
Suddenly, Yeman recalls the missing link! Of course, it was
that book Atul had giving him with a, "Boss, iss mein sab
kuch hai joe tujhe chahiye. Iss kitaab mein information
thoons-thoons kay bhari hai." ("Boss, this has everything
you desire. This book stuffed with information.") Wondering
where he'd hidden the darn book (from mummy-jee, of
course!) he quickly glances around.
 
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm...is he looking for the quickest
         escape route?
         (Asks) Is something wrong...?
Yeman:   No, no...can you wait a minute...?
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, where do you think I'm going.
         (Says) Nahi, nahi. Aap apna time leejiye. Main
         theek hoon.
         ("No, no. You take your time. I'm fine here.")
 
Watching Yeman head for the bathroom, she marvels at her
hubby's nervousness. A little amused, but more concerned
than anything else, she tries to recall her mom's advice to
her the other day...
 
     "Usse garam doodh muth peenay dena. Tumhare daddy nay
      doe glass piye thay aur phir bistar par letthay he
      neend aa gayi thi unhe."
      ("Don't let him drink any warm milk. Your dad had two
      glasses to drink and then promptly fell asleep the
      moment he hit the sack.")
 
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm...I managed to do that. What else
         did she say...?
 
     "Usse lead lene do. Aadmi logon ko patha hota hai kya
      karna hai."
     ("Let him take the lead. The men-folk know what to do
     in such situations.")
 
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, doesn't look like that's the case
         here. I just wish he'd hurry up and come...(?!!)
 
Meanwhile, Yeman is busy reading the "bible" Atul gave him
as a wedding gift. We are, of course, referring to the
Kamasutra. As couples embarking on a "new" life are often
told -- "Don't leave home without it!" -- Yeman is trying to
speed read his way through what appears to be a fascinating
tome full of rather interesting pictures! Wishing he had
looked at earlier, he now realizes that there are so *many*
things to be learned. Suddenly recalling the all-knowing
Atul's words of wisdom -- "Arre yaar, woh positions wallah
section dekh leejo; baaki sab boring hai" ("Hey buddy, take
a look at the positions section; all the other stuff's
boring.") -- he proceeds to read...
 
     "If, by means of some contraption,
     your lover suspends herself above you,
     places your linga in her yoni
     and pulleys herself up and down upon it,
     it is Utkalita."
 
Realizing quickly that this position would require the
services of at least three other people and a pulley-like
contraption, Yeman quickly discards this as an infeasible
option. Then...
 
     "When your skillful lady lifts crossed thighs
     and places both her heels
     on one of your shoulders, her buttocks
     being passionately struck by your penis
     driving rapidly, it is Nagara."
 
With this one Yeman has conceptualization problems. For him
trying to visualize the position is harder than taking the
JEE(Entrance exam for the IIT's). Besides, how "skilled" is the lady 
really supposed to be? The idea that Hotbabe may be "skilled" doesn't 
go down well with our hero's male ego
 
Yeman:   (Loudly) Aargh! Saali sab bakvaas cheezay likhi
         hain!
         ("Sister-in-law, they've written all crap!")
Hotbabe: (From the other room) Jee...? Kuch kaha aapne?
         ("Yo! Did ya say something?")
Yeman:   (Stuffing the Kamasutra book where he'd found it)
         Nahi, nahi. Tum soe jaao...
         (No, no. You go to sleep...)
Hotbabe: (Not sure if she'd heard correctly) Jee...! Kya!!?
Yeman:   (Realizing his folly) Mera matlab hai...main abhi
         aata hoon...
         ("I mean... I'm coming...")
Hotbabe: (Letting out a barely audible sigh) Oh...
 
By this time, Yeman bhaisaab has almost given up any hope of
coming up with a solution to his predicament. Then, in a
blinding flash, his dad's words of wisdom come to mind...
 
     "Beta, itna darne ki koi zaroorat nahi. Meri baat mano
     aur, jab time aaye, tho maidaan-e-jang mein kood
     padhna! Arre, mujhe he dekh lo na. Ek number ke sher
     the hum apne zamaane mein. Sher ke bachche ho tum!"
     ("Son, don't be such a wimp. Listen to my words of
     wisdom and, when the time comes, jump into the war-
     garden! Hey, look at me. In my time I was a bona-fide
     tiger. And that makes you a tiger's son!")
 
Yeman feels that sudden rush of adrenaline taking over his
bodily functions with a renewed vigor. Yes! I am a MAN.
Better still, I am an ALL INDIAN MALE! If I can get married
what could be worse!? Daddy-jee is right! Go phaar (for)
it!! Yes! Yes! YES!!...
 
Yeman doesn't realize that he is not in the bathroom anymore
but standing in his undies in front of his now bewildered
wife!
 
Yeman:   ...YES!
Hotbabe: (Puzzled look) Yes...?
Yeman:   Yes!
Hotbabe: Yes!
 
Yeman jumps on the bed and pulls the covers over him...
 
 
Come now, you didn't really expect me to go on, did you? The
rest, as they say, is left to the reader's imagination. The
Day after The Day -- Ah, now *that* is a totally different
beast...
                     *********