From: norrish@titan.trl.OZ.AU (Andrew Norrish)
Newsgroups: aus.music
Subject: Kylie and Dannii's excellent adventure.
Date: 27 Sep 92 22:18:28 GMT
Distribution: aus
Organization: Telecom Research Labs, Melbourne, Australia


(Scene: The two most talented members of the Minogue family are having a 
discussion as to who is the best entertainer.)

Mr Minogue: I just can't decide.
Mrs Minogue: Let's ask Kylie and Dannii, they might know.

(Enter Kylie and Dannii talking between themselves)

Kylie: It's true. They were playing at the First Brunswick Troop Hall 
last night. It was totally bogus. They did far too many Rick Astley 
songs, and their roadie was most heinously un-cool and clown-like.
Dannii: You know, that English accent doesn't suit you.
Mr Minogue: Tell us, starlet sisters, which of you has the most talent?
Kylie and Dannii (together): She does... NOT!

(Suddenly, there is a blinding flash and a telephone booth appears. A 
robed figure emerges. Jamie (for it is he) begins to speak)

Jamie: Greetings, most excellent dudes. I bring news of a disaster from 
the future. A tyrannical leader has outlawed 'charts', leaving me 
nothing to do on Fridays.
Kylie and Dannii: No way!
Jamie: Yes way! Kylie and Dannii, you must travel through time to 1994 
and stop this madness.
Kylie and Dannii: Whooaahh!
Mrs Minogue: Excellent!
Jamie: The KLF once released a record as the Timelords. Spooky.

(Kylie and Dannii enter the phone box and dial 1994. A mysterious voice 
speaks to them.)

Mysterious voice: At the third stroke, it will be nine twenty-seven 
precisely.
Kylie: Oops, that was 1194.

(They redial and disappear. They reappear with a blinding flash in the 
Prime Minister's office, 1994.)

Prime Minister: As Mark E. Smith would say, 'What a dynamic entrance'.
Minister for Communications: I thought it was too glitzy, totally driven 
by profit. They obviously have a gigantic marketing machine behind them. 
I'm losing my patience. Jester, put another New Order record on. 
7FBN123, I think.
Court Jester: What?
Minister: That's the Belgian 7 inch of 'The Perfect Kiss'. Dickhead.
Kylie: Who are you people, and what have you done with the ARIA charts?
Prime Minister: I am Brian May, Prime Minister...
Dannii: Oh, too cool. The guitarist from Queen.
Kylie: You empty-headed bimbo. You mean the leader of the ABC showband, 
who did that great soundtrack to 'Mad Max'.
Brian: Erm... yeah. Anyway, this is my Minister for Communications, 
Dennis Remmer, and our court jester, Andrew Norrish.
Dennis: And we have abolished the charts, as I have mathematically 
proven their irrelevance in an earlier post.
Andrew (to Kylie): Didn't I see you in Brunswick a couple of years ago?
Dennis: Shut up, clown. As I was saying, only 'indie' bands have been 
allowed to be played on radio since we imprisoned all mainstream acts, 
following the disastrous results of the Kylie poll of 1992.
Andrew (to Kylie): Yeah, you were the one that wanted to meet our 
singer. Have you had collagen lip implants?
Kylie: I thought he told you to shut up!
Dannii: What!!! And you said *I* was vain after I stretched the film for 
my video clips!!!

(While they are arguing, the court jester slips into the phone booth and 
travels back to 1987, and a record store.)

Andrew: Can I have 25 copies of the new JAMS LP please? Oh, and 25 My 
Bloody Valentine 'Sunny Sunday Smile'.
Shop assistant: Ho, ho. These people will never amount to anything.

(He gets back into the time machine and travels to 1999, and the same 
store.) 

Andrew: How much will you give me for these?
Shop assistant: I remember you. I told you those records would never be 
worth anything. The Valentines sunk without trace following that LP 
where they strummed their effects pedals and stood on their guitars, and 
the less said about the KLF's ill-fated salsa comeback in 1993 the 
better. If you had some Cabaret Voltaire, New Order or Depeche Mode 
(especially X1 and X2) I'd be interested. Now push off.

(Dejected, he returns to 1994. The Minogue sisters are arguing with 
Dennis.) 

Kylie: Hey, I wrote almost a third of my last album. Isn't that enough?
Dennis: A third? A THIRD? Bwooarhahahahahahahahahahaha!
Dannii: That's enough. This is totally non-tranquil to the extreme. Come 
on Kylie. We'll travel back in time and kill their parents.
Kylie: Excellent!!

(They mime playing the guitar and re-enter the time machine. A blinding 
flash of light, and they are gone.)

Brian: Jester, will you put Volume 17 into the CD player?

(Horror of horrors. In her flustered state, Dannii has programmed the 
time machine to return to her own parents house at a time before the 
birth of her and her equally talented (NOT!) sister. The phone booth 
descends and crushes their parents.)

Kylie: Not bad, geek. Now it's impossible for us to exist.

(They disappear in a cloud of smoke)

The rest of the world: EXCELLENT!!
A disgruntled punter: Post something more meaningful than that, dude.
Xref: sparky aus.music:1277 rec.music.classical:13568