From: anon-1161@twwells.com (Kendra)
Subject: *spoiler alert*
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 00:37:22 GMT

I'm reading asar...not nearly caught up, I think I'm still acouple days 
behind...read somebody saying that some memories where just 'oh, so that'a
another person that abused me'  

I'm really scared of those right now...when I first realized that I am a
survivor of sexual abuse I knew about two instances that I had always 
remembered...a peer in high school & a stranger who offered me money to have
sex with him when I was eleven...it was when I had run away from home & I
ran away from him & back home real quick...but back 8 or 9 months ago when
I first said 'I think I may be a survivor of child sexual abuse' I knew 
that someone had sexually abused me when I lived in a certain apartment...
so I was between 3-8...I thought probably 7/8 years old...didn't know
who.  Since then have realized that some stuff my mom did was sexual abuse,
stuff I hadn't forgotten but just hadn't thought was abuse ... then I
remembered that my aunt Pam sexually abused me...but I don't have specific
memories of that, I just know by my reaction & how my inner little girl
reacts when I think I about Pam...and stuff I saw, like seeing her sort of
sexually abuse her own kid...but most of the summer I have been slowly 
obtaining a memory that has to be of being forced to perfom oral sex...on a
man ... so there is at least one more abuser out there ... and I really
don't need that ... especially not another family member ... but I have
realized now that I don't get memories until I can handle them.

When I first started my healing I wanted to remember everything, right then
I thought knowing was better than not knowing...but each time I have 
remembered something (& each time I remember a different someONE) I freak
out and go through another stage of denial, of insisting that I must be
making it all up ... and I keep going through stages of wondering about MPD
and then dismissing it & most definitely NOT wanting to talk to a therapist
about it, or actually find out, one way or the other....don't want to know
just yet.  Goddess, so there is at least one more out there...and I've
had suspicions about four or five people...mostly women...that is hard for
me, I feel more betrayed having been abused by women, I guess 'cause I
usually don't trust men & I usually do trust women...and the family members
that I've remembered about aren't the ones that I've always disliked...they've
been ones that I have at one time or another had really close, important, 
good relationships with....

I seem to spontaneously start sobbing, randomly.  I walk into a different
room and sob.  I try to decide what to eat and start crying.  Lyrics from
dozens of differnt songs set me off.  I want this to end.

Kendra



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