From: pooder@rchland.vnet.ibm.com (Don Fearn)
Subject: Re: Break-up Etiquette?
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 18:02:46 GMT
Distribution: usa
Reply-To: Pooder@vnet.ibm.com, but I can't receive e-mail, so forget it. 
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM
Organization: IBM Rochester

In article <1992Jul29.200400.2042@ultb.isc.rit.edu>, kjc7435@ultb.isc.rit.edu (K.J. Cater ) writes:
|> Sadly, two of my best friends just split up after 10 years together....
|> my question is, should I stay in touch with both of them or not?  I
|> don't want either of them thinking I'm "taking sides;" although I
|> communicated more with one of them than with the other, I feel it would
|> be unfair to leave the other one out. (These two are womyn, by the way).
|> 

Like the Reply-To says, I can't do e-mail (sending, either) but I have 
definite ideas on this subject, so I'll post them to the net.

You sound like a good friend.  When my marriage ended I found that my
friends were good ones.  They didn't take sides; instead, they did pretty 
much what they tended to do while we were married:
 
My best male friend was socially friendly with my ex while we were 
married - he now still invites her to social events, but they hardly see 
each other otherwise.  I go to some of these parties, so we run into each
other there, but he's cool and lets us work things out between us.  I wouldn't
presume to tell him who he can and cannot invite to his social events.  He and
I are closer now than we ever were while I was married.  His friendship has
helped me sort out many things in my life.

My best female friend and my ex were quite close.  They still are.  She (the
friend) is discreet with anything I talk with her about, so nothing I say to
her would get back to my ex, and I wouldn't be able to get anything back from
her about my ex, either (not that I would want to, but I am curious sometimes).  
Her friendship has helped the life sorting process, too.

The worst situation I heard of was when one of a splitting couple (let's call
'em Kim and Pat to make the story easier to tell) told a mutual friend, "If 
you stay friends with Kim, I can't be your friend anymore."  The reply?  "I'm 
sorry you feel that way; I'll miss being your friend."  I hope neither of your
friends tries to put you in an awkward position like that.

I think the best thing you can do is to continue to be the best friend you 
can be to each of them.  Try not to take sides.  If one of them thinks you
are, talk to her about it and understand that she might not be very objective
in the midst of the split.  Muster up as much patience as you can, for they 
surely will each need a patient listener.

|> "doesn't anybody stay together anymore?...."  Phil Collins, 1985.

Sadly, it doesn't seem like it. 

I'm not one of the "Miss Manners womyn", but I hope this helps . . . . 
 
-- 

    Pooder      -      Rochester,  MN  (the *other* Rochester)
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Quid tibi (est) opiniones aliorum: What do you care what other people think?
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