From: hevern@cac.washington.edu (M. Hevern)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: A Progression of Sorts
Date: 10 Apr 92 05:11:27 GMT
Organization: U.W. Information Systems

In article <1992Apr9.181328.7176@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu>, karleen sue davis <ksdavis@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> writes:
> Query:  I've been socialized to believe that marriage is the "goal;" that
> the measure of a relationship is how long you stayed together--how close
> you came to the goal.  Now, I KNOW this isn't true; the counter-examples
> are numerous, but I can't seem to get it out of my head, or my heart anyway.
> I'm struggling with the notion that every day I'm with my SO/RP, I'm
> confirming a decision I made when I was (age deleted--TOO YOUNG)...and I'm
> not even feeling old enough to make that kind of a decision NOW, three years
> later.  I don't like the notion of being "mini-married," especially while
> I'm in college.  I don't like living out the decision I made back then...I
> don't want marriage to be just the "next natural step"--I want now to be
> now, and later to be later.  So, I guess the question is; help!  I can see
> from the _hundreds_ of messages I've read that you'll be able to see more
> in what I say than I can from here...I'm so confused I don't even know the
> _question_ anymore!
> 
> *sigh*
> Karleen

I think you're not the only person to be "socialized" in this way. IMHO marriage is not a goal, but my opinion on marriage is not very favorable. Marriage is a commitment. There are many ways to offer the same commitment. One (or more) pieces of paper that say "Mr & Mrs Jones" are not going to strengthen or weaken that commitment.

Wheather your married or not, you'll be with your SO (what the heck is RP anyway?) as long as you and/or he want to be. Divorce is the proof that marriage doesn't always last forever.

What is a mini marrage? Is that where you have all of the trimmings, but not the licience? That sounds like you've reached the "goal". If the relationship isn't all you want it to be, then making it all you want should be the goal. Later down the road when outside forces (taxes, health insurance, etc...) make marrage a smart idea, then consider it.

I was in a relationship for seven years and we never seriously considered marrage, not because my SO wasn't someone I wanted to marry. She had been married twice, my parents marrage didn't last forever (so I'm not keen on it), and we just didn't have the practical need for it.

As for the feeling of the inevitability of marrying someone your with now; Nothing has to happen in life if you choose to avert it. If you want to be with your SO, that's great. If you don't, then get out. I don't think anybody's ever old enough to look at there whole life and say "Here I am. Here I will always be.". If things are good now and you have a commitment that works into the forseeable future, then be happy with that. Chances are both of you will change over time, and so will your commitment to e







ach other. Life isn't lived all at once, it's done a piece at a time.

I don't know the question, but I hope my two cents worth is helpfull.

-- 	MH (Here today, gone to Maui - next month)
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Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples