From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  6.E
Date: 1 Sep 92 06:14:08 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





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Wasn't it Mark Twain who remarked that America has only one distinct criminal
class, the Congress? Now, what percentage of the Congress is made up of
lawyers. Just chance?

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"Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart
enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
		Eugene McCarthy

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Kohl:	"Will we complet German Unification?"
God:	"While you are in the office."

Bush:	"Will Double deficit be gone?"
God:	"Not while you in the office."

Gorby:	"Will Perestroika be successful?"
God:	"Not while I AM in the office."

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A man walks into an auto parts store and says
"I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a 
while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

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Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch:

	Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.

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Did you hear the one about the bull who swallowed a bomb??

Oh, I just can't tell it to you!!  It's abominable.

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There are three flies in the kitchen...which one's the cowboy?
The one on the range! 

There are three flies in the bathroom...which one's the hippy?
The one on the pot! 

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Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously;
and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

                  -- Booth Tarkington

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A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.  

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it 
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos 
from the air.  His request was approved, and arrangements
were made.  He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him.  He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate.  He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''   The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures."  

"Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I am a photographer," he 
responded, "and photographers make photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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Scenario:	woman with a toothache reluctantly visits her dentist

woman:	Gosh, Dr., I don't know which I hate the most;  undergoing
		dental work or having a baby!!!!

dentist:	Well, make up your MIND, Lady!!  
		I'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO ADJUST THE CHAIR!!!!

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This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any
cookbooks.  While you are preparing the food, and after the guests
have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably
enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.  Then you go rushing
about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and
generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.  Let
the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of
opening the windows) and serve the food.  By this point, you have
established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to
exceed! 

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"The meek will inherit the earth--if that's OK with you."

That reminds me of a quote from oilman J. Paul Getty:

"The meek will inherit the earth--but not the mineral rights."

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ObJoke:  Why did the chicken cross the road?
       To get the Chinese newspaper.  Get it?
         No.
       Me neither.  I get the New York Times.

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>From _Access to Energy_, June 1990 (without permission, but excerpted only):

     The Competitive Institute (Washington D.C.) announced an
     energy conservation award to M. Gorbachev and delivered it
     to the Soviet Embassy on May 1.  "In recent weeks Mikhail
     Gorbachev has reduced Lithuanian oil and gas consumption by
     over 80%," stated CEI president Fred Smith.  "These
     unprecedented strides in energy conservation, accomplished
     in what by Western standards is an incredibly short time,
     demonstrate the importance of looking beyond our borders for
     new ideas on how to save energy..."

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The current premier of China Li Peng is quite stupid. He was sent to
Soviet Union to study engineering when he was young. On the first day
of his arrival at the city, a Russian comrade accompanied him on the
street.The comrade told Li Peng that according to traffic rules cars
must use the right half of the road. Li Peng was puzzled:

	Who will use the left half?

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Once the father of the warlord visited the son at his headquater. The 
warlord told his father if he wanted anything just pick up the phone
and talk. The warlord then went to do his business and left his father 
alone. Wondering what gadget the telephone was, the father picked
up the phone and said:" I want a bottle of wine." A minute later a
bottle of wine was sent in. "Oh, it seems so magic! I'll try once more".
This time a fried chicken was ordered. "Wow, it's really magic!  Why
not bring this to home, so I can enjoy whatever I want."           
Without being noticed, the father left, with the phone.

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Weird News  -  Around May 1990

FIRST THINGS FIRST
------------------
	As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets
while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's
skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn
and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz"
instead

STRIKING STATISTIC
------------------
	The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six 
numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening,
according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in
New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in
Connecticut.

WE ONLY WANTED IT TO PROP OPEN A WINDOW
---------------------------------------
	In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death
sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had
asked for a Bible during deliberations.

GOT ANY WITH BIGGER DOORS?
--------------------------
	When the Sudanese government showed an interest in buying two Russian
transport planes to ferry supplies to famine-ridden ares in the south, the
acting Soviet ambassador allowed the Sudanese to test-fly the aircraft. They
flew to rebel-held Yirol and bombed the city, pushing bombs out of the cargo
doors.

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                      Mercedes Benz Driving Test

1.  Before changing lanes you should:
    a.  signal.
    b.  check.
    c.  both a & b.
    d.  just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2.  The top light on a traffic signal is:
    a.  red.
    b.  yellow.
    c.  green.
    d.  Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3.  The speed limit in a residential area is:
    a.  35 MPH.
    b.  25 MPH.
    c.  45 MPH.
    d.  I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4.  In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
    a.  slow to a walking pace.
    b.  go around the block.
    c.  stop.
    d.  speed up and honk your horn.

5.  In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
    should:
    a.  maintain your speed.
    b.  slow a little.
    c.  slow a lot.
    d.  speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6.  Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
    a.  never.
    b.  when there is a left turn arrow.
    c.  on Sunday at 2 A.M.
    d.  When ever you damn well feel like it.

7.  When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
    a.  must stop.
    b.  may pass on the left after checking.
    c.  may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
    d.  use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left.

8.  When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
    a.  pull to the right and stop.
    b.  pull into the nearest car wash.
    c.  roll down your windows.
    d.  turn up the radio and ignore it.

9.  You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
    a.  never.
    b.  when the doors are closed.
    c.  if there are no police around.
    d.  when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
    a.  relax.
    b.  watch the signal.
    c.  stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
    d.  call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that
        your have a car phone.
  
11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
    a.  two blocks before turning.
    b.  two car lengths before turning.
    c.  two miles before turning.
    d.  what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
    a.  only at an intersection.
    b.  always.
    c.  never.
    d.  if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
    a.  never.
    b.  on Sunday.
    c.  if there is a fire hydrant.
    d.  when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
    a.  $10,000-20,000.
    b.  $20,000-40,000.
    c.  $40,000-80,000.
    d.  $80,000 and up.


                           Scoring

    If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score.
    You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile.  You may, at your
    discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor
    and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

    If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request
    a retest in two weeks time.  Please study the Mercedes Benz motor
    vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

    If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry,
    you just don't have what it takes to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile
    driver, perhaps you should consider a BMW.

    Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

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   "The Texas House of Representives has given Televoision Host David Letterman
   10 reasons to broadcast his latenight show live from Austin's Paramount
   Theatre on the hall's 75th anniversary.

   The Normally rowdy House was quieted long enough for the resolution,
   borrowing the countdown gimmick that Letterman often uses, to be read and
   videotaped.

   Once letterman views the tape, he will realize that he should telecast his
   show from Auston because:

   (10)  The givernon has promised that Letterman will not be executed during
   his visit to out state.
   (9)   No women in Ausrin currently claims to be married to or even a little
   bit interested in Letterman.
   (8)   No celebrity of Letterman's magnitude has visited Auston since 1966,
   when Burgess Meredith arrived in his private Penguin Plane for the world
   premiere of the origional Batman movie.
   (7)   We could have asked Katharine Hepburn to come, but she would have 
   turned us down flat.
   (6)   A psychic channeler has determined that Letterman is thge unwitting
   host for the spirit of out late President Lyndon Baines Johnson and that the
   oil bust will not be over until Dave brings Lyndon home.
   (5)   A cowboy hat is the only headgear that can fully conceal those pesky
   defects in Letterman's coiffure.
   (4)   The texas National guard has agreed to keep Cher and Shirley MacLaine
   outside the cuty limits during Letterman's stay.
   (3)   Letterman will not be required to participate in Spam-A-Rama, Austin's
   annual tribute to the canned meat described in the resolution as "a certain
   nationally known pink rubberized food product."
   (2)   During his visit, the city's 750,000 resident bats will perform the
   world's largest stupid urban bat trick by re-creating the astrological sign
   of Letterman's choice in the skies above Austin.
   (1)   Throughout his stay, Letterman will be officially addressed by all
   Texans as "The Great White Enchilada From Somewhere South of Poughkeepsie."

   The resolution was sponsored by Republican Rep. Terral Smith in the
   recognition of the theater's annicersary celebration.

   Meanwhile NBC wants the latenight hipster involved in a new Saturday morning
   version of NBC's kissie classic "Howdy Doody" (1947-60).  The show wouldn't
   premiere until midseason at the earliest.

   Even though people say he looks like Howdy, Letterman would be producer, not
   host.

   NBC sources say that the network wanted "Late Night" bandleader Paul Shaffer
   to play Howdy's sidekick, Buffalo Bob, but Shaffer declined.

   An NBC spokesman denies that Letterman wants out of "Late Night" now in it's
   ninth season."

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Dear Friends,

 There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are
forced to write in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2
by saying "PRINT 2+2" or something equally laconic (indeed the
older ones amongst us can actually do such calculations in our
heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2 GIVING THE
ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN
TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING"

 So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here
is a typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary
confinement with nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company.

Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English
Dictionary (20-odd volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when
this request denied.

Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own
dictionary from bits of bed linen and stale soup.

Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it
to add two and two.

Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual.

Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency
engineering.

Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend
codes.

Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his
warder brings him a bowl of porridge.

 ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete
cure can be guaranteed.

 Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with
the campaign, I just want some money.