From: lup@cs.uiuc.edu (Lee Lup Yuen)
Subject: The Demise of a USENET Flamer
Followup-To: alt.prose.d
Organization: University of Illinois, Dept. of Comp. Sci., Urbana, IL
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 05:51:26 GMT

Here's my first serious attempt at writing a short story.  All comments
and criticisms are welcome; just send them all to lup@cs.uiuc.edu.
Thanks, and enjoy!  -- Lup

-----
The Demise of a USENET Flamer

Copyright 1992 Lee Lup Yuen
lup@cs.uiuc.edu


        Newsgroups: comp.os.misc
        From: rani@cs.wayne.edu (Selvarani Subramaniam)
        Subject: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
        Message-ID: <1992Jul20.214002.102@cs.wayne.edu>
        Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1992 21:40:02 GMT

        Hi netters,

            What is the consensus among operating systems
        researchers on the issue of microkernels vs.
        monolithic kernels?  Please mail me or post
        your responses.  aTdHvAaKnSce  :-)

        Rani

    The sun shone intensely.  Making his way to the office,
Chin trudged along Springfield Avenue on a hot and humid
summer morning.  He hated the wacky Midwestern weather.
Days like this make him ponder whether he had made the right
choice in coming from halfway around the world to become a
graduate student in this distinguished university.  The
driver of a passing truck cheerily greeted Chin by quipping
"Hi gook!".  Chin reminded himself to be careful with noisy
and unwieldy American cars and trucks on the road; the
drivers of these vehicles tended to be particularly
concerned about the people of colour that they had
encountered.

    A trip to France would be nice, he thought.  He
remembered he had spent the last two months writing up a
paper and had submitted it to the conference on object-oriented
operating systems to be held in Paris.  He decided that he
needed a getaway from this heartland hell, far away from the
pressures of his research work and the incessant demands
from his boss and colleagues.  With a cocky sense of pride,
he felt confident that his paper would be accepted.

    While cars, trucks and livestock carriers rumbled past
him, Chin wondered if he would have any problem getting
around Paris.  Being a Chinese (he hated being labelled
"Oriental" by Americans) from Southeast Asia, Chin did not
understand a single word of French, although he did remember
that a secondary-school friend of his had once taught him
some French swear words.  The very same guy who talked
endlessly about the promiscuity of the French people.

            Newsgroups: comp.os.misc
            From: conroy@picodata.com (Bill Conroy)
            Subject: Re: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
            Message-ID: <1992Jul21.053536.483@picodata.com>
            Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 05:35:36 GMT

            In article <1992Jul20.214002.102@cs.wayne.edu>
            rani@cs.wayne.edu (Selvarani Subramaniam) writes:
            > Hi netters,
            >
            >     What is the consensus among operating systems
            > researchers on the issue of microkernels vs.
            > monolithic kernels?  Please mail me or post
            > your responses.  aTdHvAaKnSce  :-)
            >
            > Rani

            Well, our favorite software factory Hypersoft is
            coming out with a new operating system called
            Intuit*HT (Hyper Technology).  It's truly a
            microkernel.  If Hypersoft is doing microkernels,
            then microkernels must be something really good.

            -- Bill (conroy@picodata.com)

    Chin always had trouble communicating with people.
He blundered constantly whenever he opened his mouth to
express his ideas or his feelings.  Oddly, he had no trouble
at all using the most elaborate programming language -- in
his sleep, he could recite a long string of keywords,
identifiers and special symbols that would be happily
accepted by a C++ compiler to produce a program that would
behave sensibly when executed.  He was convinced that he was
losing his grasp on the essential language skills of English
and Chinese, his mother tongue.  He hated his singsong
English accent and he was frustrated with his declining
knowledge of Chinese -- he could not even find the right
words to describe his research work to his parents.  He
reminded himself to put some Chinese writing into his thesis
so that his parents could somehow appreciate his thesis.

    His life revolved around computers.  By communicating
through the computer he could calmly compose whatever he
wanted to say and then carefully edit the text to correct
grammatical or spelling errors.  He liked very much the
impersonal tone of the communication medium; he had always
felt edgy when approaching people in real life and he
preferred to work in isolation, given the chance.  His
traits were consistent with his sanitized and idealized
outlook on life.

        Newsgroups: comp.os.misc,comp.os.hsdos.apps,comp.os.hsdos.pr
          ogrammer,comp.os.hsdos.misc,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware,comp.
          sys.ibm.pc.misc,comp.os.intuit.advocacy,comp.os.intuit.pro
          grammer.misc,comp.os.intuit.apps,comp.os.intuit.misc,alt.p
          cnews
        From: chin@cs.uiuc.edu (Chin)
        Subject: Re: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
        Message-ID: <1992Jul21.234402.7818@m.cs.uiuc.edu>
        Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 23:44:02 GMT

        > In article <1992Jul20.214002.102@cs.wayne.edu>
        > rani@cs.wayne.edu (Selvarani Subramaniam) writes:
        > >     What is the consensus among operating systems
        > > researchers on the issue of microkernels vs.
        > > monolithic kernels?

        Don't be an idiot - microkernels are all hype, can't you tell?
        Have you ever tried running one of these monsters?  They are
        really slow!  And the kernel size + server size is really
        humongous.  Not to mention all the code duplication in the
        kernel and user space - managing the source code must surely
        be a nightmare.  Why can't people decide precisely what they
        want in an OS before building bloated general-purpose
        micro/macrokernels?

        > > aTdHvAaKnSce  :-)

        You are asking to be flamed, you know that?  That is soooooo
        lame and cliched.  Show a little more sincerity, dammit.

        In article <1992Jul21.053536.483@picodata.com>
        conroy@picodata.com (Bill Conroy) writes:
        > Well, our favorite software factory Hypersoft is
        > coming out with a new operating system called
        > Intuit*HT (Hyper Technology).  It's truly a
        > microkernel.  If Hypersoft is doing microkernels,
        > then microkernels must be something really good.

        Get real!  Hypersoft produces inferior software!  No way I'd
        use their junk on my critical data or documents.  Using
        Hypersoft software is like watching one of those defective
        Russian TVs - you're watching TV and suddenly BANG! the
        TV explodes and kills you.

        I can't understand why all you idiots insist on paying
        Hypersoft for their junk.  Why not use a decent OS like
        PC-Choices or something?  Mindless idiots, all of you.

        Chin

    With a flick of the switch, his office became
illuminated by the glowing florescent lights.  Chin never
liked florescent lights; whenever he stared hard enough, he
could see the lights strobing.  Chin detested people and
things that were uncommitted.  They reminded him of
irritatingly unreliable computer systems, like the NFS
server that kept going down for no apparent reason, and the
Ethernet gateway that crashed ever so often.  He remembered
that his workstation's monitor was annoyingly unreliable too;
the display tended to flicker and vanish at the most
inopportune times.  Turning the monitor off and switching it
back on again always corrected the problem, but it was an
irritating problem nonetheless.  Someday I must get it
fixed, he thought.

        From: Chin <chin@cs.uiuc.edu>
        Subject: Still barking mad
        To: kstern@uwlax.edu
        Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 23:50:44 CDT

        Hey Karen,

            Haven't heard from you in months.  Busy with your summer
        courses?  Maybe we should get together someday and have a
        belated celebration of our birthdays.  Since you're the
        psychology major, I ought to get some counselling from
        you over my "schizophrenic tendencies", like you put it.
        I miss you much - please write soon.  Be careful with
        your rollerblades!

        Chin

    Lately Chin had been upset with several things.  His
girlfriend had ignored all his mail and he suspected that
she was hooked up with some jock at her university.  Having
a long-distance relationship through email was extremely
difficult, as he had found out.

    Another thing that bothered him was the superstitious
ranting from his mother in Singapore.  She sent a letter
saying that she had visited a Chinese temple and consulted
the soothsayer, who advised her son to control his temper or
misfortune would befall him.  In the same letter, she nagged
at Chin to consider seriously the prospect of getting
married, preferably to a Chinese woman, and appended an
elaborate list of desirable traits in a wife.

    Chin strolled to the window and stared at the
construction site opposite his building.  Recently he had
been thinking a lot about his upbringing and his beliefs.
He was raised in a conservative Chinese family where the
elders dictated their beliefs to the children who accepted
them wholesale.  Questioning of authority was not tolerated.
The penalty for disobedience was typically a stinging whip
from a thin cane.  Serious matters in life like sex,
marriage and religion were never explained in Chin's
family; the elders assumed that the children were too naive
to understand these matters.

        Newsgroups: comp.os.misc,comp.os.hsdos.apps,comp.os.hsdos.pr
          ogrammer,comp.os.hsdos.misc,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware,comp.
          sys.ibm.pc.misc,comp.os.intuit.advocacy,comp.os.intuit.pro
          grammer.misc,comp.os.intuit.apps,comp.os.intuit.misc,alt.p
          cnews,soc.culture.usa,alt.mcdonalds
        From: chin@cs.uiuc.edu (Chin)
        Subject: Re: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
        Message-ID: <1992Jul22.220523.7841@m.cs.uiuc.edu>
        Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 22:05:23 GMT

        In article <1992Jul22.213211.132@cis.pitt.edu>
        rob@cis.pitt.edu (Rob Hennessy) writes:
        > In article <1992Jul22.200658.7830@m.cs.uiuc.edu>
        > chin@cs.uiuc.edu (Chin) writes:
        > > In article <1992Jul22.182601.2050@nd.edu>
        > > toy@nd.edu (Greg Smith) writes:
        > > > In article <1992Jul22.164556.7822@m.cs.uiuc.edu>
        > > > chin@cs.uiuc.edu (Chin) writes:
        > > > > In article <1992Jul22.134534.867@ocf.berkeley.edu>
        > > > > josepht@ocf.berkeley.edu (Bridge!) writes:
        > > > > > In article <1992Jul22.120658.7818@m.cs.uiuc.edu>
        > > > > > chin@cs.uiuc.edu (Chin) writes:
        [stupid drivel deleted]

        I'm sick of all you Self-Righteous White Male Americans!
        Go stuff McDonald's in your face and die of constipation!!!

        Chin

    During the four years that he had spent away from his
family, he had many opportunities to rationalize about the
purpose of life.  He started having doubts about all that he
had learnt.  Procreation and raising children was clearly
too banal to be considered the purpose of life.  It was as
absurd as believing that the purpose of life was to get rich
and enjoy life, he thought.  For the lack of better choices,
he had decided that the purpose of life was to read and post
messages on USENET.  And to flame all bloody ignorant and
wishy-washy idiots, which he frequently did.

    He reached into the back pocket of his pants and pulled
out a thick leather wallet.  He opened the wallet, lifted
a flap and fished out a shiny octagonal medal embossed
with concentric bars.  It was a talisman that his mother
had given him years ago to ward off evil spirits.  "Sorry,
I'm revising my beliefs," he said to himself.  Nonchalantly
he tossed the medal out of the window, replaced his wallet
and returned to his workstation to read his mail.  The medal
dropped down two storeys into a large metal bin boldly
labelled "Office Paper Recycling".

        From: "Derrick Luj" <derrick@kudj.dk>
        Subject: IWOOOS 92
        To: chin@cs.uiuc.edu
        Date: Thu, 23 Jul 92 04:39:09 MET DST

        Thank you for submitting a paper to the International Workshop on
        Object-Orientation in Operating Systems 1992.  We regret to inform
        you that your paper entitled "An Unified Object-Oriented
        Programming Model for Interactive Applications" was rejected
        for the workshop...

    He could not believe his eyes.  His brilliant paper had
been rejected for the conference.  Chin trembled with rage
as he reread the letter, crying "Preposterous!" when he
discovered that his paper had been rejected apparently due
to the lack of originality.  He felt insulted -- he knew he
was a highly creative person and he had never produced a
single piece of work that was not truly inspired and
original.  And he had report cards from his secondary
school, primary school and kindergarten that attested to
his brilliance!  He was almost overwhelmed by the urge to
throw a tantrum like a spoilt brat, but he resisted the
urge, ignored the rest of his mail, and started reading
his favourite USENET newsgroups.

        Newsgroups: comp.os.misc,comp.os.hsdos.apps,comp.os.hsdos.pr
          ogrammer,comp.os.hsdos.misc,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware,comp.
          sys.ibm.pc.misc,comp.os.intuit.advocacy,comp.os.intuit.pro
          grammer.misc,comp.os.intuit.apps,comp.os.intuit.misc,alt.p
          cnews,soc.culture.usa,alt.mcdonalds
        From: huffman@samba.uucp (Mike Huffman)
        Subject: Re: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
        Message-ID: <1992Jul23.085912.6854@samba.uucp>
        Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 08:59:12 GMT

        Look here, everyone, there is no point in arguing with
        this Chin character.  His debating style truly impresses
        me (NOT!).  Witness his flame-fest on rec.music.*
        where he is stubbornly flaming everyone who doesn't
        like the Pet Shop Boys.  He is also constantly flaming
        people on soc.culture.asean, soc.culture.china and
        soc.culture.hongkong over some trivial international issue.
        Maybe if we try hard and ignore him, he will vanish
        like a ghost.

        Meanwhile Chin, if you are reading this, GROW UP and
        stop acting like an IMMATURE CHILDISH BRAT.  I have sent
        mail to your sysadmin requesting that your account be
        terminated.

                Mike Huffman
                huffman@samba.UUCP

   What he saw in the newsgroups threw him into a rage all
over again.  People have made derogatory remarks about him,
called him names and ridiculed his arguments.  But there was
one thing he absolutely could not tolerate: being called
"childish".  In his fury he saw flashbacks of his childhood:
when he was caned by his mother for being rude to his aunts
and uncles, when he was laughed at by his classmates and
teachers when they saw his cane marks, when he was bullied
by his elder brothers and sisters simply because he was
acting childish...

    The monitor display flickered and vanished.  "You
friggin' thing!  Cut it out!" Chin screamed.  He delivered
one hard knock to the chassis of the monitor.  He was
startled to see the monitor exploding into his face, which
was instantaneously pierced by a million shards of glass.
Writhing in pain, Chin was confused by what had happened.
He remembered the news about inferior television sets made
in Russia that tended to explode.  In a daze, he concluded
that he must have been a Russian who had fallen victim to an
exploding Russian television set while watching Russia's
Funniest Home Videos in his living room on a Sunday evening.
In Moscow, no doubt.

    But at the back of his head he remembered that he had
unfinished business to attend to; namely, to post a rebuttal.
Instinctively, he stretched out his hands, groping at the
invisible objects in front of him, hoping to find the "F"
key.  Unfortunately he touched an electrical component
inside the monitor that was presently carrying an electrical
charge of a lethal magnitude.  The lights went out.

        Newsgroups: clari.news.top
        From: clarinews@clarinet.com (UPI)
        Subject: Man dies in freak accident, MultiVision recalls monitors
        Message-ID: <multivisionU2lL610ae@clarinet.com>
        Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1992 02:34:23 PDT

                URBANA, Ill. (UPI) -- Following the death of a man
        in a freak accident involving an exploding computer video
        display, MultiVision Corp. advised the public to avoid using
        all MultiVision Model 80 monitors and to return the monitors
        to computer dealers...


        Newsgroups: comp.os.misc,comp.os.hsdos.apps,comp.os.hsdos.pr
          ogrammer,comp.os.hsdos.misc,comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware,comp.
          sys.ibm.pc.misc,comp.os.intuit.advocacy,comp.os.intuit.pro
          grammer.misc,comp.os.intuit.apps,comp.os.intuit.misc,alt.p
          cnews,soc.culture.usa,alt.mcdonalds,rec.music.misc,rec.mus
          ic.cd,rec.music.synth,rec.music.industrial,soc.culture.ase
          an,soc.culture.china,soc.culture.hongkong,news.announce.im
          portant,alt.hackers
        From: chin@somewhere.com (Chin)
        Subject: Re: Microkernels vs. monolithic kernels
        Message-ID: <0@somewhere.com>
        Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1992 10:34:24 GMT
        Approved: by the American Taxpayers Association

        In article <1992Jul23.085912.6854@samba.uucp>
        huffman@samba.uucp (Mike Huffman) writes:
        > Meanwhile, Chin, if you are reading this, GROW UP and
        > stop acting like an IMMATURE CHILDISH BRAT.  I have sent
        > mail to your sysadmin requesting that your account be
        > terminated.

        I have news for you, Mike - I have relocated to a pleasanter
        environment!  I challenge you or anybody to track down my
        real email address!  Oh, and you must talk to my new
        sysadmin - I think you'll really like him!

        Now that I have everyone's attention, here's more flame
        bait!  Let me tell you what I REALLY think about sexism,
        racism, homosexuality, rape, abortion, drugs, Madonna and
        rap music...

The End
Newsgroups: alt.prose.d,alt.prose,alt.peeves