Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: bird on ice...  (LONG POST)  *>
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 16:59:00 +0000


[details of Feather's pain sadly deleted... you know why]

Standing under the rafters, Tanais gently calls to Feather. There is 
a tear running down his muzzle. He learned to cry only recently -- he 
had to in order to mourn the passing of the old, the acceptance of 
the new and to face up to the fear of the unknown. He had to in order 
to let go of his old life and past. Tanais learned to forgive himself 
and to let of so many things in the space of just a few months. Some 
of you will have seen my "heavy" postings when I joined the place, 
you have seen me develop as Tanais -- a natural extension of who I am 
in real life. The Place is a step in my personal healing and 
Feather's pain can be felt so clearly that it mirrors the pain that I 
felt in December].

"So many things you said Feather strike a chord with me" Tanais 
gently spoke, another tear forming in his eyes, "but these tears are 
for *you*. I can't tell you what to do or how to find the way to stop 
the pain but I *can* tell you a few things about why the pain affects 
you... perhaps you will then see that *you are not alone*, you are 
indeed worth loving and deserve to be liked and held gently so that 
the warmth of your *own* body will thaw those icicles from yourself 
-- as you just saw, a fire can help melt the ice, but it'll come back 
because the coldness comes from inside."

Tanais shuffles a little and sits on the bar so that he doesn't have 
to bend his neck nearly so much in order to speak to Feather's perch 
high in the rafters. "Do you know about how Merrytail and I split up? 
About how she found Ignatz and how much they love each other? Did you 
see the stuff I said when I had to let go of her and accept that she 
and Ignatz are now a union... how painful it was to see them kissing 
and hugging and why I fought the urge to kill my feelings when I saw 
them hug or kiss? How I was so afraid to confront the fear to finally 
admit that I was raped and that was why I was like you, in a 'winding 
down' stage, where I felt absolutlely nothing"?

Tanais holds up a conciliatory paw as if to say 'You don't have to 
answer, and I'm not going to get any heavier'. "It's okay Feather..." 
Tanais soothed "What you feel is just as valid and painful and more 
*real* to you, as what I felt. You have the right to feel cold and 
frightened and confused" -- he looks into the room now -- not fixing 
his eye on anyone in particular. "I know the deadness that sometimes 
engulfs us and confuses us and at that moment it seems impossible to 
move, but please believe me Feather -- you *can* reach out for a hug, 
ask for help, for validation and *not* get hurt... It doesn't mean to 
say that you can't feel sad and sorry and hurting, it feels like what 
I had... you're getting tired and feel the pain because you're 
spending so much energy on walling yourself in."

Tanais takes his cap off and turns it inside out -- to show the bird 
the pretty pattern in gold and red and blue. "I started building my 
wall when I was 6 and finished when I was 10. It was a good wall, no 
one could get in and I realised that I had made such a good job of it 
that I couldn't get out. I was alone.

"There are things you can do to help yourself Feather there are 
places that you can go because you're *not* alone in this. Think 
about seeing a councellor, talk to them, listen to yourself. Heck! 
talk to me if you like -- just talk about it and get it out of your 
system. Write it down, draw pictures about it look at the things in 
the past that you are happy/not happy with and get in touch with what 
you feel about them now. The wall was built by *you*, it is made out 
of pain and fear and knowing how and why you made it can break it, 
but it can only be done by you... but we can all shout encouragement 
and show you solidarity and support so you need not be alone in doing 
it.

"I am using the Alexander Technique to 'fine tune' my spirit. My 
teacher and I created a game where we had to 'play' an animal and I 
played a piece of music to describe a fox -- she guessed right 
[eventually] -- it was Me! It was Tanais! The Alexander Technique 
isn't whacky, it's not musically orientated or dance oriented or any 
way mystical, it can be applied to other outlets as well. It's all 
about unlearning old ways of behaviour and finding new ways to live 
and to get in contact with your 'self'. It's all about posture -- 
both emotional and physical, it's about letting go and seeing what's 
left... believe me, only the good stuff stays when you let go of the 
stuff that hurts.

*YOU* are a beautiful person here Feather, and do you know what? Only 
a beautiful person in RL could have created Feather. Your description 
of ice was so real so tangible to how I was feeling when I finally 
went to rape crisis that I cried here -- in front of my own 386 --  I 
cried for you because your pain is real and valid and needs to be 
addressed.

I fight the urge to want to try to offer to heal you or to do stuff 
for you, because I know that wouldn't work. The healing has to come 
from *inside* it has to be *you* who heals *yourself* because that 
process helps you develop a love for yourself that goes beyond love 
for others -- it's not narcissistic, it's not pride or anything like 
that it's 'self respect' you are worthy of self respect and therefore 
the respect of others. 

"Please Feather, I *want* you to heal yourself. I have so many words 
inside this head of mine, I have so many suggestions -- but I also 
know how annoying it is for people to say 'you should do xxxx' or 'I 
think it'll be okay if you tried yyyy', I can only put ideas in front 
of you for you to kick around and see if they fit. Mail me if you 
want more."

Tanais puts his Fiddle and Bow in his case and closes up. There will 
be no music from this instrument tonight. "I will be thinking of you 
Feather, I will light a candle for that frail, cold little bird -- 
wishing and praying for a warmth to come inside, you can come out of 
the cold. The crying will come back when you're ready to let go of 
something.

"You are not alone, Feather. Whatever happened to you, whenever or 
however it happened. You are loved here in the Place and in RL also. 
I believe in your potential to heal and if you should want -- you may 
rest here, in this pocket inside my grey trenchcoat. It's warm there 
and next to my fox fur you may sleep quiet and warm, either now or 
later or when you have healed.

Tanais stops himself, he remembers a song that flitted into his mind 
and lodged there as he listened to Feather's story. Looking up again 
he says, "Before I changed, I thought this was a song about two 
people. Well, technically it still is" Tanais sighs. "But it's also a 
song about a person who is divided *inside*. For me, it's about that 
point when you realise you want or need to change and to move on." 
Tanais blanks out the other people in the Place from his mind and 
lifts his red and white muzzle to the rafters and sings unaccompanied 
for Feather from 'The Dream of the Blue Turtles' by Sting:

"And If I've built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire"

Tanais sits down and just looks at Feather with a look of love, of 
concern and of infinite patience.


+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  ..    "When I grow up, I want to stop being a computer journalist|
| .OO.    and learn how to write."                                  |
| O/\O                                                              |
|  --                              Tanais - friend to all furkindred|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk | Bisexual knitter of quality since 1992|
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Newsgroups: alt.callahans