Date: Thu, 17 Dec 92 3:25:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: dac@prolix.apana.org.au (Andrew Clayton)
Subject: Coruscating Newbies
Keywords: original, chuckle, computers


In talk.bizarre <BxJ2LF.471@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM>, John F. Woods writes:

> In misc.consumers.house fredch@phx.mcd.mot.com (Fred Christiansen) writes:
> >Can anyone give me source(s) for full spectrum lights, either
> >incandescent or fluorescent (preferably both)?
>
> please post the answers.  most of the
> light sources i've investigated have
> been seriously lacking in x and gamma
> radiation, to say nothing of the
> irritating gaps in the microwave region.

                                                   Squint Technologies
                                                   4545 Azure Terrace
                                                   Kingston, ACT.

asst decorator to Mr X
c/o John F. Woods,
jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM

	Sir,

        	It is with considerable pleasure that I disport
		the following product information. Please note that
                the attached pricelist does not include federal or
                state taxes.

                Sincerely,
                John Brown
                VP, Squint Technologies.


        [Leaflet reprinted with permission]
    
         /~ _  _     _  _  _ ._  .  _  _    |\| _    l_  .  _  _     
        (_ (_)[ '[_]`-,(_ (_l|_, | l )(_l   l |(-'\^/[_) | (-'`-,    
                     ~                 _l       ~           ~  ~

        Be the first on your block to own a Coruscating Newbie(tm)!
	Made from the finest, hand chosen material, using no third-world
        or disreputable parts, Squint Enterprises is proud to be
        able to bring you our Coruscating Newbie product line.


        FEATURES:

        o	Convenient packet sizes. (x.25 version available on request)

	o	Not yet proscribed by any government agency.

	o	Ability to illuminate vast areas of space with minimal effort

	o	Non toxic waste products (no fluorocarbons, ozone safe!)

	o       Easy, no fuss payment plan [MasterCard, Visa, Amex, Cash etc.]

	o	BLAZEMONGER compatible [Amiga is a trade mark of Commodore]



	PRODUCT DESCRIPTION:

	Coruscating Newbies are piped to your site in an uncombusted state,
	initiation is via a number of prepackaged keywords, or by your
	own keywords, created by a simple to use keyword generator, supplied
	free of charge when you buy six or more Coruscating Newbies.  We take
	every care to make sure that our brand of Coruscating Newbies are wide
	spectrum energised, with particular efficiency at the lower infra-red
	end of the spectrum, extending to sub-microwave levels without the
	application of additional boosters. 2% w/w whining factor is
	guaranteed.

	Squint Enterprises offers convenient Booster Paks for those customers
	who have special illumination requirements above and beyond the already
	excellent capabilities of our Coruscating Newbie range.

	Unsolicited testimonials from satisfied customers are available upon
	request. We regret that most of our customers are not willing to
        publicly reveal their support of our product.


	PRICING:

        Basic Pak: 	2 Coruscating Newbies, glossy promotional material,
                        informative manual, free subscription to 'What Flamer'
	$100 Quatloos	magazine, cheap entry level system recommended for
			the busy professional with little time to spare.

        CN Six Pak:	Our most popular package. Consists of six freshly
			minted Coruscating Newbies, with a FREE keyword
			generator [please specify PERL, REXX or SED version]
	$250 Quatloos	includes free subscription to 'What Flamer', and
			a useful scoresheet, with six *Plonk* stickers, so
			you can keep track of your conquests.

	Mega Pak:	A magnificent gift idea! A whole half-a-hundred
			individually packaged Coruscating Newbies. Be the
	$1500 Quatloos	envy of local network service providers and small
                        democracies, with your scintillating and devastating
			demolition of our richly cadmium salted Coruscating
			Newbies. With this many ready and willing victims at
			your disposal, you could cripple entire newsgroups
			with detonation after detonation of pure clean
			violently combusting pyres of concentrated flame.
			Also included are four scoresheets, and 54
			*Plonk* stickers, as well as a complimentary
                        two year subscription to 'What Flamer' magazine, and
			a free 'Have you been *Plonked* lately?' T-Shirt
			[please state size, S, M, L, XL, "Jolter"]


	Booster Pak:	For those with the need for especially violent
                        eructions, our Booster Pak can add fifty percent
  	$200 Quatloos	or more to the total devastation already packaged
			into our Coruscating Newbies.

			WARNING: Squint Enterprises cannot be held responsible
			for insufficient care and handling of our enhanced
			Coruscating Newbies with Booster.

                        Sufficient material is included to boost six
                        Coruscating Newbies to their ultimate pyrotechnic
 			potential.

	Also Available: Additional scoresheets, *Plonk* stickers, T-Shirts
                        "What Flamer" magazine subscriptions and
			backorders, and our easy to use Keyword Generator.
			[Price depends upon quantity ordered]

	ORDER FORM:

	-----------------------------------------------------------------
	Order Code | Name       | Unit | Amt | Total | Additional Info
	-----------------------------------------------------------------
        34-0002    | Basic Pak  | $100 |     |    .00|
	-----------------------------------------------------------------
        34-0106    | CN Pak     | $250 |     |    .00| (PERL, REXX, SED)
	-----------------------------------------------------------------
        34-1750    | Mega Pak   |$1500 |     |    .00| (S,M,L,XL,"Jolter"
	-----------------------------------------------------------------
	35-0206    | Booster Pak| $200 |     |    .00|
	-----------------------------------------------------------------
                       Total Amount Payable  [    .00]

	MasterCard/Visa/Amex Number  ____ ____ ____ ____
        Expiry Date                  __ __
        Name on Card                 __________________________________

        Delivery Address (Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery)

        Name:_________________
	Street:_______________
	Suburb:_______________
	City:_________________ Zip _____
        Country:______________        
	Network Address:____________________________________________
	Alternate Network:__________________________________________


	Orders can be sent to

	Attn: Marketing Director,
	Squint Enterprises,
        P.O. Box 4666,
	Kingston, ACT, 2604
	AUSTRALIA.
	(61) 6 286 3633

	DISCLAIMER

	Squint Enterprises guarantees our Coruscating Newbie(tm) line to be
	free of inferior craftmanship and manufacturing defects, however
        the company cannot be held responsible for ineffective deployment
	of our product, and actively discourages 'Coruscades'.

	Squint Enterprises is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

	Squint Enterprises - "When only the zest will do."

Dac
--
dac@prolix.apana.org.au              David Andrew Clayton
dac@prolix.sserve.cc.adfa.oz.au      Canberra, Australia

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.  The "executive
moderator" is Brad Templeton.