From: afdenis@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Stephen Dennison)
Subject: Re: Do Men Enjoy Hurting Women?
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Keywords: Why?
Organization: Ancient Souls Inc.
Date: 18 Dec 1992 16:46 EST  

In article <stone.724633049@cwis>, stone@cwis.unomaha.edu (Travis Stone) writes...
> 
>The folk of A.R. have impressed me with their savvy and willingness
>to offer advice and opinion, 

Let's see if *I* can change your opinion ... :-)

>so I thought I could get some feedback from
>y'all concerning a perplexing aspect of male/female behavior.
> 
>I have a friend (a lady) who is unmarried, and has a boyfriend who is
>apparently seeing somebody else on the sly.  She *knows* he is, and
>has told this dude that she's not an idiot and he isn't fooling anybody.

I see nothing here about *hurt* and *boundaries* ... just that she said he 
was `busted'. Is she *assuming* that he knows that she expects monogamy ? 
Has she expressed to him what effect this behavior is having on her and, if 
so, has she set boundaries beyond which she won't allow the relationship to 
continue ? That's really all she can do. 

>I'd like to hear what *you* folks out there think---both the ladies
>AND the gentlemen---as to what motivates a man to actively engage
>in such hurtful behavior towards a woman.  

Personal ethics and morals... and *don't* genderize it... it goes both ways. 

Remember not to pass judgement on him, or impose your own set of rules on 
him. He has every right to `play the field' if he wants, and if her hurt 
feelings don't cause him to change his ways, he is no more being `hurtful' 
than the guy that gets the parking space you wanted. Nor is she `bitchy and 
demanding' as is often the judgement. What you have is an incompatibility 
in the needs and wants of the two participants, and therefore the 
relationship should proceed no further. 

Sure, it *hurts* her, but her hurt is more because she didn't get the kind 
of relationship she wanted, not because he was *hurtful*. He (in this case) 
was only getting things the way he wanted, just as she was trying to do.


>The gal I mentioned above
>asked me what I thought, and the rather lame line of reasoning out-
>lined above was all that I could offer.  I hope to be able to take
>your responses and show them to her---she's very perplexed by her SO's
>willful waywardness, and can't understand it.
> 

He apparently doesn't view the relationship the same way she does. They 
need to come to an agreement or end it. 

>Come to think of it, *I* can't understand it either.  

It's pretty simple... not everybody wants or needs the same things. If he 
needs pologamy and she needs monogamy, they both deserve to find the right 
people to give them what they want. It only becomes hurtful when one 
willfully tries to manipulate the other into what *they* want. It's like 
trying to turn a Yugo into a race car ... much effort will be expended, 
lots of hardware will get trashed, and both parties will ultimately be 
unsatisfied with the results. Take this from a Yugo who knows...


>Your insights
>are wanted and welcome, either here or in E-mail.
> 
>Thanks in advance, gang.

You're welcome in retrospect ... :-)

-- Stephen

	My .sig generator is shooting blanks these days.
Newsgroups: alt.romance