From: pooder@rchland.vnet.ibm.com (Don Fearn)
Subject: Loss and how to adjust
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 19:11:15 GMT
Distribution: usa
Reply-To: Pooder@vnet.ibm.com, but I can't receive e-mail, so forget it. 
Disclaimer: This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily those of IBM
Organization: IBM Rochester

This looks like a good place to find some suggestions of how to get on with
my life after having an almost unbearable loss.  I hope it is.

Just over a year ago my fiancee, Bonnie, her son, and I were returning from my
high school's 20 year class reunion.  I was driving.  As we left her folks' place
I somehow failed to see an approaching train.  It hit the car on the passenger
door at about 40mph.  Her son and I were severly injuried.  Bonnie was killed.
 
I have recovered physically and my mental abilities are mostly coming back, 
but despite all I have been trying, I can't seem to get on with recovering
emotionally.  I've been in a grief support group, I've been seeing a 
psychologist (one with whom I had been working before the accident, so I 
know and trust him), I'm in a group for divorced and widowed people, I have 
friends and family, and I talk and talk and talk.  

It seems like just when I get to feeling ok, everything comes crashing back
down and I can't keep on.  My job is suffering, my kids don't get the 
attention they need, and most things I used to enjoy have lost their flavor.
So many things remind me of her and I just fall apart too often.  Or I go
on autopilot and bury all my feelings with a frenzy of activities.  Neither
works well.  

I met (well, I knew her before, but just socially) someone new and got into
a relationship within two months after the accident.  Deborah is good for me
and very supportive, but I'm afraid of hurting the relationship with all I'm
dealing with.  We've talked about just being apart for a while (how long?) to
give me time to get through this, but that would feel too much like another 
loss and I couldn't handle that now.  Besides, I like our being together too
much.  It's getting more and more serious and I like that, but I'm so afraid
something is going to happen to her, too.  We went to Winnipeg and back and
had a wonderful time, too, but I still worry. 

I'm living with so much guilt.  I caused the accident that killed Bonnie.  I
should have seen the train and stopped.  I got involved with Deborah right
away; it know must look like I didn't even care about Bonnie that much.  I'm
not keeping up with my job like I should, because I can't handle the logic
due to brain injuries.  My new job should begin next week, but I don't know
if I'll handle that, either.

I'm reminded of what happened so often.  I drive past the house we were 
going to buy on my way to work.  Every time someone does something dumb 
on the road and I mutter "stupid ^%$*" I'm brought up short with the 
thought, "But they didn't kill anybody on the highway; I did."  I even fell
to pieces when I found a broom that was Bonnie's in the laundry room.  

I spent most of this morning in the men's room crying because of a letter I 
saw posted on the misc.kids newsgroup.  Any ideas on how to go on?  It won't
stay this hard, will it?  I can't keep on much longer if it does.

Please suggest anything that may help.  Thanks,


Pooder  -  Don Fearn   -    Rochester,  MN   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quid tibi (est) opiniones aliorum: What do you care what other people think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------