From: J.W.Harley@newcastle.ac.uk (Jon Harley)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Lifestyle (was Re: Coming out to family)
Date: 7 Jan 93 13:40:29 GMT
Organization: University of Newcastle upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU

In <1992Dec23.222808.18332@midway.uchicago.edu> (yes, I'm that far behind)
pmm7@ellis.uchicago.edu (peggy boucher murphy (you had to ask?)) writes:

>In article <BzDwGy.3so@cscns.com> rks@cscns.com (gisle j benediktsson) writes:
>>I guess I really don't consider my lifestyle to be any of my family's
>>business. It is not up to them to 'accept' me. They have two options in
>>my own view: they can either accept it or they can fuck off. (That is 
>>assuming that I have a piece of information that I may choose to share
>>with them.) 
>
>hmmm.... 
>i don't consider bisexuality to be my "lifestyle".  it is
>a part of who i am, and i am not comfortable being secretive
>about who i am with people who are much less significant in 
>my life than my family.  to hide this from them feels distinctly
>dishonest.  
>
>the word "lifestyle" conjures up images of a chosen way of
>living.  i didn't choose this.  i have yet to find out what
>the "gay", "lesbian", or "bisexual" (let alone "queer"!) 
>"lifestyle" is!  it does seem that often the only thing the 
>queers i know have in common is their sexuality, just like
>straights.  

I think there's a distinction to be drawn here, between inclination and
behaviour. I didn't choose my sexuality either. But I do choose to sleep
with people rather than be celibate. Of course, the only thing queers have
in common is our sexuality, because queer is a sexuality. But the bisexual
lifestyle, for instance, is one in which you act on your attractions to
both sexes. In other words, that is a chosen way of living.

>if you don't want to share your lifestyle, what ever it may
>be, with others, no problem.  i don't really care what you 
>do behind closed doors.  but in our culture, sexuality is
>no more a lifestyle than is gender or ethnic make-up.  it is
>a part of who you are.  and that is another matter altogether.  

True. Of course, no-one has any obligation to tell others about *either*
lifestyle *or* sexuality.

>also, for me being out means being out.  it's a matter of 
>personal dignity. i also agree with the earlier posting 
>(i forgot who) who wants to turn his family from potential
>'phobes to lgb friendly folks.  i want to be accepted for
>myself, for my younger sister (also a lesbian), for my kids
>who may or may not be queer.  
>
>call me an assimilationist.  
>;)

Peg you're an assimilationist :)
I agree with every word about dignity and being accepted for oneself.

>>It really bothers me that people seem to be bothered about this?Why in
>>the world do we have a tendency to give these people so much power? 
>
>your family of origin already has power. they are a part of
>of who you are, and helped form your personality, if we are to
>have any faith at all in modern psychology.  <grimace>  

Seems a reasonable proposition to me.

>however, it seems to me that by hiding things from them, you 
>are potentially giving them *much* *much* more power.  being
>forcibly or unpleasantly outed is no fun.  if you come out 
>to your parents, then *you* have some power and control over
>the circumstances.  and then you don't have to hide or worry 
>anymore.   

Right on. Coming out to family can be at best very beneficial all round.
(Everyone can imagine what it can be like at worst).

>of course, if the religious right is correct, and what queers
>want is to destroy famili, then we should all just cut our f
>families off and go off into our queer lifestyle and never speak
>to any of them again.  

Hardly worth mentioning the claim really: I'm queer and I don't want to
destroy the family therefore it's not true.

>some of us end up doing that because we have no choice.  <sigh>  
>but every person (families included) educated, clued in that 
>lbg's are *people*, people they know, love, and want to have 
>around is one less 'phobe or potential 'phobe.  and are less
>likely to tolerate 'phobes, and 'phobic laws, customs, etc.  
>
>i guess i'm an idealist, too.  <sigh> 

Glad I'm not the only one.

>peg-
>ranting again...

Rant more often then please :-)

/jon

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Newsgroups: soc.bi