From: spencer@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (S. Spencer Sun)
Subject: longish post Re: Why are parents like that?
Reply-To: spencer@phoenix.princeton.edu (S. Spencer Sun)
Organization: Live Organ Transplants
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 19:19:08 GMT

In article <1992Aug20.203310.4426@wam.umd.edu>, aap@wam.umd.edu (Alberto Adolfo Pinkas) writes:
>I am not sure if this is the place to post this. However, after reading
>some of Lovegod's comments, and a recent post from someone who has to go
>back home, I am asking again: Why are parents like that?
>It seems that parents are like that everywhere. It is like if they 
>thought: I know what happiness is, so, I will make my children go through
>that way.
>Then, they try to imposse their view on their children.

Another possibility (different?  related?  maybe?) is that parents
always want their children to be what THEY wanted to be but for whatever
reason weren't.  

>I do not have children. And one of the reasons is that I am affraid that I
>will be with them like my parents were with me. Not that they were that 
>bad, I really appreciate a lot what they gave me. However, they still tried
>to pressure me into doing what they thought was right.

Same here, although I have made several of my friends promise that they
will not let me be like my parents.

>PS: I also believe that parents whould respect their children desitions and
>support them, even if they disagree. Their children are individuals who
>have their own life.
>Of course, it has nothing to do with the common question: What if they choose
>to be serial killers?

My dad isn't very vocal about the parent-child relationship.  But often,
after I'll express an opinion or state how I feel, my mom will say that
because my philosophy of life or my principles or my judgements differ
from hers, that they "have failed as parents."

This always used to really hurt me, but recently I had the revelation
(which was actually there all along, if I'd only bothered to examine the
sentence more carefully) that what "we have failed as parents" really
meant is that "We have tried to raise you to be what we want you to be
and we have failed."

But that does NOT make ME a failure.  So, quite honestly, if they don't
like the way I live my life, I really don't give a damn.  (None of
this has anything to do with orientation, yet.  She says these things
when I refuse to spend two days in Niagara Falls and NYC with relatives
I have never met and don't know from any other stranger on the street.
She thinks blood's thicker than water.  I disagree, especialy when most
of the blood is halfway around the world.  So because I value actual
friendship more than simple genetics, she thinks they've failed as
parents.  Sigh.)

On the other hand (and this seems self-contradictory to me, but we can't
be perfect :-) ) I am putting off outing to my parents as long as
possible.  I think our relationship is already a bit
strained/detached/whatever, although we are on reasonably good terms.
But while it wouldn't particularly bother me if they found out and
disapproved (I think they are beginning to consider it as a possibility,
and are probably scared shitless about it, but don't really want to
confront me with it), I think it would only needlessly complicate things
at the moment.

On a somewhat related note, someone wrote to Ann Landers once and said
something to the effect of "parents can TELL" (w.r.t. their offspring's
sexuality) and that actually notifying them only forces them to admit it
and deal with it, whereas (as I think my parents are doing) without it,
they can still pretend.

Whatever the ramifications of that are.

----------- The opinions expressed in this article are solely mine. -----------
<Insert lame attempt at disclaimer humor>
sss/PU'94 Dept of CS (spencer@phoenix.princeton.edu)/JvNCnet (spencer@jvnc.net)
Roses are red, violets are blue / Some poems rhyme, and some don't.