From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Day 2, Chapter 4
Date: 12 Sep 92 09:03:26 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Now for the post that I've been telling a few people that I'd send, given
enough time to sleep...

Let me explain the last few days...  Apparently I accidently gave some wrong
impressions.  (Although the support I have received via Email has been
wonderful!  Thanks all!)

Wednesday night, I was working (3rd night in a row) an 11 hour shift.  (Plus 2
hour drive.)  Add in time to make and eat my meals, to sleep, and to maintain
other commitments, I figured it out, I would need 26 hours a day, if I took no
breaks...

So, I was at work.  The guy keeps loaded rifles and a loaded handgun near where
I am.  The lack of a S.O. wasn't bothering me so much, and I wasn't in that
deep of a depression.  But I realized that I could finally kill myself.  Why
continue, and bother with the shit that's going on?  Then I found myself
getting up and searching for the gun.  (My mind wasn't with my body at that
moment...)  I was able to stop myself in time.

Thursday Morning, I get home and make the "I may end up killing myself" post
here, and mention it in Email.  (And apparently someone also (thank you!)
slipped word to the Co-Sysop of this BBS who immediately called me on the
phone...)  I posted the message because I was damn scared.  I still am.  I can
still see myself pulling the trigger, even if it's not what I want to do.  I've
wanted to die for to long.

Then I sleep.  Thursday Night, I get up and go back to work at the same mansion
for another 11 hour shift...  Something clicked in my head, and I did NOT go
for the guns again.  But I nearly passed out from a lack of sleep, and by
morning I looked like death warmed over and was shaking.

Friday Morning, on the way home, I stopped by the security office, to talk to
my boss (the owner of the company).  I tell him (in the only voice I can
manage, sounding like death itself) that I *CANNOT* go back there for another
night.  Find someone else for the job.  I'm too damn tired.  I won't make it
another night.  Seeing how bad I looked, and since I *NEVER* told him before
that I wouldn't work an account for him (except when hospitalized) even if I
was called at the last minute....  He got me off the hook.  Well, part of it at
any rate.  Another guard would come over and work after Midnight, so I only had
to handle 4 hours of the shift.  I agreed.

Friday Night, I ended up going down to the mansion.  The fucker decided to
leave town, so I didn't even have to come in!  (But they were going to pay us
for our full shifts anyways...)  I stop off at a friends house, not wanting to
go home and face my parents, and they were having Circle that night.  They held
it off until I could get there.  I leave shortly after circle.  I couldn't take
it there much longer.  I was just an object for someone to talk to, and
couldn't get in two sentances in a row.  (Well, I did that ONCE, but...)  I
needed to leave.  So I got into my car and drove.  I still wasn't ready to go
home, since my folks were still up and about, so I just drove for a couple of
hours.  (No place for me to go, really...  Any friend who I could have seen was
busy anyways (Hey, it *IS* Friday Night, and we all know idiots like myself are
the only one who stays home on a Friday and Saturday Night!)  The only bar I
knew I would like was closed-down, and I can't drink anyways.  I'll pass out or
maybe go into a coma...

I ended upcomming home, and spending just another night on the Net.  Tommorow I
may go to Rocky Horror, but god, I'm sick of it.  It's the only thing to do
though...  But I can't stand the crowd anymore...  I don't know...

I'm just so lonely.  No friends I can just call up, because they work days, and
I work nights.  I don't get to see to many humans now a days because of the
job...  And if I'm lucky I might see ONE (1) person who is my age per week... 
No joke.  Let alone trying to find potental so's...

Why do I feel like an asshole?

Why are you bothering to read this?  It's not like anyone actually *CARES*!  
Hell, I can't kill myself now anyways.  I owe too many people too much cash,
and I were to die, my folks would probably declare bankruptcy, since I wouldn't
pay my loans to them, and then the expenses...

Oh, and today I saw my psychologist...  I wasn't able to bring myself to give
her the stuff I've been printing off from here (my posts).  But I did end up
telling most of it to her, and explaining what ASAR was, and still showed my
amazement that you guys seem to be tolererating my bitching, etc all...

Oh hell, I'll shuttup now, and get out of your hair.  Thanks!

+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | I'll *LEGALLY* ordain   !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     | Team Star Charter Member   | anyone, no questions    !
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  | asked for just $5!      !
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
| From the makers of "IBM Made Easy" is "Cray-2 Simulations On your VIC-20"  |
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