From: doughe@tekig6.PEN.TEK.COM (Douglas E Helbling)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: forgiveness
Date: 11 Dec 92 20:32:25 GMT
Reply-To: doughe@lunaxyz.rain.com
Organization: None Given

In article <aland.723998763@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu> aland@cs.brandeis.edu writes:
>adwright@iastate.edu () writes:
>
>>Regarding giving the cheating SO a second chance, if thats what you decide 
>>to do. You should make it clear that there will be no third chance and for 
>>a while you will be suspicious. (Say to him/her wouldn't you be this way
>>if you were in my shoes?) Excessive suspicion can strangle a relationship 
>>so it has to be clear to the cheating SO as to why this is so.
>
>Ya know, I agree with most of what you've said so far, but think of
>this: If you can't trust your S.O., IS HE/SHE STILL YOUR _SIGNIFIGANT_
>OTHER?  I agree that there could be any number of reasons for cheating
>on someone.
>
	Regarding "is s/he or is s/he NOT still my SO", if the relationship
	has not been ended as a result of any disclosure or discovery,
	then the "SO" designation still stands.  If you're married,
	there is an extra level of disenfranchisement involved here,
	though I'm sure some non-married would argue this point.

>>Check the car milage, other acts of suspicion. Do not be afraid to investigate
>>and if need be set up a sting operation. example: Hire one that is attractive
>>to your SO. They arrange to meet in a motel when you are visting relatives
>>in another town (supposedly). When your SO shows up YOU will be there!
>
>This is one of the most evil and hateful things I have ever heard.
>IM<not so>HO.  I understand that some people may need to humiliate
>people, but dammit, if that's how you feel about your SO, ??WHY?? are
>you still having anything to do with him/her?
>

	Here I think you're out of line, unless you've been there.
	This is not about humiliation.  It's about honesty.

	One of the key issues of "forgiveness" and restoration of
	trust for the person being cheated on is whether the promises
	of "it'll never happen again" are just that, mere promises.
	To make a sincere effort to rebuild the relationship does not
	mean that you, the cheatee, should put your head in the sand
	and assume that now that things are in the open, all is honest
	and trustworthy from this day forth.

	The person doing the cheating may have any number of, to themselves,
	valid reasons to stay in the relationship and still continue
	cheating.  The person trying to hang onto her/his sanity and
	self-respect, while still making a reasonable attempt to forgive
	and move into the future, owes it to her/himself to be sure
	they are not mere sheep, that the "reconciliation" is genuine.

	In proving/disproving the infidelity situation is still going on, the
	person with the now justified suspicions can make an informed
	decision about her/his future.  They owe it to themselves
	to do just that.
	
>If my girlfriend were to cheat on me, I would ask myself the following
>questions:
>
>Why?  Was it my fault?  Did I hurt her, so that she was trying to get
>back at me for something I did?  Was she happy with me?  Was I happy
>with her?  Did either of us want the relationship to end?  In the case
>of her physically cheating, were there some extenuating circumstances
>(alcohol, etc.)?  Did I find out from her, or from a third party?
>

	This is a trap a lot of victims of SO-infidelity fall into:
	"Gee, they went somewhere else.  It must've been my fault."

		WRONG!!!!!

	It doesn't wash because two wrongs do not make a right.
	Many victims of physical abuse fall into the same trap,
	assuming they "deserve" the black eyes and broken bones.

	No one is perfectly attentive, perfectly understanding,
	perfectly in control of their tempers, their habits, 
	their VICES, but ... if a person uses their SO's shortcomings
	as an excuse for "straying", it's still a lie and a 
	breach of trust.

>If she told me, did she do it to hurt me or to get things out in the
>open?  If she didn't tell me, was it because she thought she could
>hide it from me forever?  Because she was afraid I would break up with
>her for it?  Because she didn't want to hurt me with it?
>
>The most important question I would have to ask myself before even
>trying to forgive her would be: Could I, in the deepest, darkest, most
>paranoid corner of my heart, believe that she would do it again?
>

	If it happened once, it could very well happen again.  And
	a simple truth here is that if it happened once THAT YOU
	KNOW ABOUT, it might very well have happened other times
	that you don't know about.

>Given my past, if I thought there were any chance, however slight,
>that she would hurt me twice, I would not be able to stay in a
>relationship with her.
>

	Now you're talking sense.  There is always SOME danger of this.  


>[Luckily, I know that she loves me as much as I love her, so there's
> no danger of this happening.  Tho the infinitesimal possibility is
> sure to keep me from taking her for granted.  Also, while I know
> she's going to see this, I know it could never be 'used against me.']
>
>Amy, I love you.  See you soon! *HUG*
>
>	-=Alan

	I wish you luck in your ideal world.  The hardest part of
	dealing with this situation as that after the "fall from
	the pedestal", your whole notion of what is fair and honest
	and "real" in the world can change.  It can be handled in
	a number of different ways:
	
	* You can become bitter, totally mistrusting, and never
	  let anyone get close to you again.

	* You can assume that this incident was a total fluke, a
	  singularly rare and strange phenomenon, one that will
	  never reoccur because, after all, you are Sooooooo 
	  loveable and s/he would never dare do this to you twice.

	* You can face reality and acknowledge the past shortcomings
	  of your SO and perhaps your relationship, build on the
	  lessons, and remember that people can change, for better
	  and for worse.

	My magic message to someone in this situation is that if
	your's is an agreed upon monogamous relationship, you
	have a right to expect fidelity.  Infidelity, no matter
	how blatant or discreet, is a form of emotional abuse, and
	like any abusive situation, you have to decide how you are
	going to handle it.  If a man beats his wife/girlfriend once,
	the common advice is "get outta there!  He did it once, 
	he'll do it again".  
	
	Yes, people can change for the better, and fortunately, sometimes 
	they do.  But don't assume that they will.


						Doug H



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           					Doug Helbling