Newsgroups: alt.food.dennys,alt.gambling,rec.arts.tv.soaps,soc.penpals
Subject: Roy.
From: rtiger@vax1.umkc.edu
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 02:44:14 GMT
Organization: University of Missouri - Kansas City


I just wanted to tell you all about my years in the Navy.

It all started back in 1983 when my mama threw me out of our big house up in
Otter Haunch, Alaska.  That was in the days when Otters were cold and real men
could stand up to wiley mooses.  The next morning (after my forced vacancy)
when I woke up in the icy forests that surrounded our little dacha, I new
(knew) that my destiny was large than any Otter Haunch.

I decided to join the Navy.

I wasn't going to go it alone.  I wanted a friend there with me.  My friend's
name was Murdock.  He didn't have a first name.  He didn't have a last one
either.  So I just called him Murdock.  We used to drink up the hooch together
in our high school days.  Those were good days, but not one where I could
unleash my manliness like I knew a service such as the US Marine...oops...Navy
could provide.

I was stationed out on the Midway.  I liked the Midway.  For those of you who
don't know, it's a big ship in the middle of the Pacific.  Kinda shaped like an
artificial prosthesis.  Filled with many, many men.

The Navy provided me with some discipline skills.  I used to have problems
waking up in the morning (on time...hehehe...I would eventually ALWAYS wake
up....hehehe).  When I would oversleep, the Sarge...oops...I forgot...the
Navy...the Rear Gunner's Mate would always have me in the kitchen peeling gobs
and gobs of dog legs.  Actually, they weren't dog legs but that's what we
called those greasy Irish potatoe things covered in cumlobs.

Of course, the time that I spent in the Navy was not wasted time.  I knew that
if I was going to become that special education assistant that I had always
dreamed of becoming (you see, I have a little sister with a harelip and damned 
if I could understand a word).  I used a mop like a madman and eventually was 
head cleaner.  When I left the Navy, I was a lean, mean, scouring machine.  I 
went to work immediately for Digital.  It was there that I fielded my first 
phone call from a man named Tasset.  Mr. Tasset asked me about laser printers 
and how the queues are not supposed to be aligned with DecPresent.  That's his
program, you know.  I had to go on a visit of the campus facilities and met a
nice man with a receeding hairline.  His name was Onstool or something like
that.  It was there that I met a nice man from the Physical Plant whose name
I can't remember, but he chewed me out when I turned on the light switch and
he was not around.  

When I came back to the office, I had forgetten to pick up Russ Woolum's 
Electronic Kit.  It contains a lot of neat jade American-Indian art medallions
and things like that.  I like jade.  I had to put on my DecShoes and march
right back to UMKCDSKS to get the kit.

But then there was the time when I crossed the equator for the first time. 
Since I was one of the few sailors who had never been across the equator, they
had to initiate me and my buddys. They put me in a big tube of garbage and I
had to slide through it. Then when I came out the other end, there was a
shirtless sweatty man sitting in a chair with a tattoo on his belly. The tattoo
had a cow with it's legged cross, and it said "Barney the ball-les cow" on it.
So I had to bury my face in it and lick. His skin was wet and salty. It
reminded me of home, and how much I missed my sister. But that's another story. 
So then they made us go one by one down one of those cool chutes you always
see on the decks of sheeps. Oops, I mean ships. Like the kind Bluto stuck Olive
in at the end of the Popeye movie. The guy in front of me screamed something
like "I'll see you in the unholy abyss!" as he plummetted down. Then there was
a scream. I smelled smoke. I was scared and didn't go down. They tried to make
me, and I said no. I was a man. But then they told me I had passed initiation,
because the in actuality the chute went into the boiler and that was how they
weeded out the pansy pushovber sailors.

Finally we came to port in Singapore. A bald man named Anshul greeted us as we
got off the ship. There was lots of colorful culture. Some of us guys hadn't
had any since we were last in port a month earlier, so we went to a brothel.
They filed us all into a small room and sent in some whores. Did somebody say
whore? Anyway, the lights went out and we all took turns. But then we started
feeling small tickles running around out groins, and started to itch. It was
like little bugs. "Man, I sure hope these is chiggers!" cried one of my
buddies. Bu they weren't. They were crabs. It made me wish I was back at home
with my feet up on the couch whacking off while watching "Evening at the Pops"
on PBS.


--
RTIGER

Hear me roar.

The "R" is for "Roy".