From: rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu (Robert L Pack)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Married With Children quotes
Date: 6 Jan 93 15:14:25 GMT
Article-I.D.: blue.1437
Organization: University of Pittsburgh

A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu )

I will post this regularly to Rec.humor and e-mail to people who ask





Songs
-----           
	"At the Nudie bar"
	------------------
	   at the nudie bar
           where you can look at a thigh
           and blacken an eye
           at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           where they show you their butt
           and they keep their trap shut
           at the nudie bar
            
           at the nudie bar
           where you can't touch a breast 
           but you can cave in a chest,
           at the nudie bar
 
           at the nudie bar
           Where the music stinks,
           and they water the drinks.
           The nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
           Where the beer gives you gas
           But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
           the nudie bar


	Al's " I Care " song
	--------------------
	   When hooters giggle around
	   and I find nickels on the ground
	   I care

	   When the Mustang engine purrs
	   and the bathroom's not hers
	   I care

	   When the pitcher's on the mound
	   and the wife is underground
	   I care.

	   But when I've been playing this for days
	   I'll kill anyone who stays
	   I swear!



Quotes
------



Bud turns 18	
------------
	Al: "Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but
	     a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife"




Peg vs Jim Jupiter
------------------
	Jim:  " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago:
	Al:   "Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your
	       mouth"

The Bundy's Get a New Kid
-------------------------
	< Peg's cousins left >
	Al: " You let them go. That has to be the stupidest move in
	      history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered
	      the phone the day after we had sex."


	

Al becomes a bartender
----------------------
	Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?"
	Al:    " Normally, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers"

	Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?"
	Al:    " It's when a woman marries and a man dies"

        Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had
		 a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair."
	Bud:   " Well, you know what she says 'Bleach a cold, raise a beaver'"

	<Bud & Kelly are outside freezing>
	Kelly:   "Help us"
	Marcie:  "I can't. I'm a Republican."

	Peg: "Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's
	      face it, we both know it's money."


Kelly says NO
-------------

	Al:  "Is it our anniversary again!"
	Peg: "No"
	Al:  "Then why are you touching me?"
	Peg: "I'm tired of touching myself"
	Al:  "I don't blame you"

	Peg: "We had plenty to talk about when we first met"
	Al:  "Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was alot of
	      things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 
	      6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan,
	      and did she actually see Deep Throat"
	Peg: "Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man
	      with such buig shoes have such a teeny,weeny, tiny, little...
	Al:  "Peg!"

	Marcie:    "Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male
		    impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You
		    should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think 
		    I can"
	Jefferson: "That's after four times of making her shake like a
		    California quake"
	Marcie:    "And like Los Angelas, I'm still waiting for the Big One"
	Peg:	   "I'd settle foran after-shock...You should see Al...Oh
		    snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Groundhog's
		    Day. Peeking out of it's hole, seeing its shadow, getting
		    scared and running away.
	Al:	   "It's now its shadow that it's scared of"
	Peg:	   "It's cute as the dickens, though.
	Al:	   "Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle"

Peg Buys Tubro
--------------
	Peg: " I need something lucky to rub:
	Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky"

	Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women
	       when they have us at home?"
	Al:  " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to
	       close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari.



Al Tries to Remember a Song
---------------------------

	Al: "What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the
    	     wife in the back yard."


Bud Dates Teacher
-----------------

< Ding Dong >
	Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes 
               I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I 
               mean"
	Peg: " I'm afraid we do"



Al Buys Air Conditioner
-----------------------
< Peg cranks air conditioner >

	Al:  " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it"
	
	Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls
	       over and then asks whats on TV.... Well, it might be,	
	       I don't feel a thing."



The Bundy's go to the Beach
---------------------------
	
	Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful."
	
	Al: "You're gonna get worse !?"


A Peeping-Tom is loose
----------------------

	Peg: "Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the
	      ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can.
   < Al locks her in the basment >
	Peg: "When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a
	      full minute."


Al builds a bathroom
--------------------

	Al: "We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to
	     sleep with mine."
   <Peg looks down>
	Peg: "Is that what you call it?"




	Al: "A woman riuns a bathroom: Nylons hanging from the shower, a
	     tube of Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of
	     vinegar lying around...What are they doing in there? Making a
	     salad?




   <Al comes out of bathroom>
	Peg: "How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed?

	Al: "I don't know. I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?"

	Peg: "Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?"

	Al: "Na, I need something stronger."
   <Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty
    Something." He then picks up the news paper and heads to the bathroom>


Unclassified 			--- which shows are these from ?
------------

	Al:  " Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin."






-- 
=================================================================
Bob Pack      			rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu
University of Pittsburgh	
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania