From: lampman@fullfeed.fullfeed.com (Ray Lampman)
Subject: Re: Suggestions needed....
Followup-To: soc.singles
Summary: Follow your dreams, and you'll find your way.
Reply-To: Ray.Lampman@fullfeed.com
Organization: FullFeed: Public Access Usenet/E-mail at +1 608 246 2701 guest
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 08:01:01 GMT
Expires: Wed, 21 Apr 1993 07:11:14 GMT

_________________________________________________________________

I empathize with you in your dilemma. I've  written  my  thoughts
below,  but  first, I've chosen a few quotes which seem relevant,
or at least they seem relevant, to me.
_________________________________________________________________

In article <1992Nov18.080425.19672@rdg.dec.com> you (veburst@contra.enet.dec.com) write:
#
# I'd like your opinions, folks... this is a difficult situation for me and
# I'm somewhat at a loss about where to go from here.

# My very best friend in the world is a 21 year old male.

# I have *never* clicked with anyone (male or female) as I have with this
# guy... He has said the same about clicking with me... he is everything I
# have ever dreamed of having in the love of my life...

# Maybe I'm just completely stupid in hoping that some day he'll get over the
# marriage/kid thing and will be able to love me fully... so many things he
# does even now feels so much like love...

# I've had a couple of friends tell me to just forget about him ...

# I don't want to stop loving him... I don't want to say
# a final goodbye to him because even based on friendship alone, he's the
# best thing that's ever happened to me...

# Suggestions?  Opinions?  Should I take a long walk off a short pier?
# Should I follow my heart and keep hoping that something will change and bring
# us together?
_________________________________________________________________

Whether you've come to the right  place  or  not,  you've  helped
yourself  immensely  just  by writing it all down and summarizing
the problem. Your best friend obviously likes spending time  with
you.  And  it  seems  as  though  he  too thinks of you as a good
friend. A big part of any relationship, friendships included,  is
accepting the other person for who they are. I accept you for who
you are because something in your article touched me and  I  want
to help. I also accept what you've written as true. I wouldn't be
able to say anything meaningful to you, if I  didn't  start  from
these basic principles.

I've found that friends, especially really good friends, are  few
and  hard  to  find.  Many people today just don't appreciate the
value  of  long  standing  relationships.  I  think  your   other
"friends"  are wrong in telling you "to just forget about him". I
don't feel it's wise to destroy a relationship with someone  whom
you  consider to be your "very best friend in the world". Someone
with whom you "click" very well, someone who's  the  "best  thing
that's  ever happened" to you. All in all, your relationship with
your best friend seems quite positive. I suggest that  what  ever
you do, it be positive as well.

The basis of the entire problem may  be  one  of  dreams.  You've
written  about  some  of  your fondest dreams and of how you feel
your best friend might fit into them. But dreams are only  margi-
nally  valuable  in  themselves. It is in the "pursuit" of dreams
that they yield their  greatest  rewards.  Listen  to  your  best
friend  and  learn  to understand what "his" dreams are. Whatever
they are, he's pursuing them with the same passion as you're pur-
suing yours. It seems to me that each of you provide a foundation
for the other in the pursuit of your individual dreams.

If you accept your friend for who he is, you  must  consider  the
possibility that he's is not emotionally, rationally or otherwise
able to love you fully. Maybe he will change,  maybe  not.  Maybe
his  most precious dreams of love and family don't include a con-
venient place for you, he has said a few things which would  sup-
port  that  view.  But  I don't feel you can assume the worst and
avoid discussing your individual and mutual dreams.  Where  would
he like to be 50 years from now? What are "his" dreams? How about
you? In the far future, when you look back on your life, what  is
it  that you'd most like to have accomplished? Do the both of you
wish to remain the best of friends? Do either of you value  other
dreams above the dream of your continued relationship?

These are questions that only you  and  he  can  answer.  And  in
learning the answers, you'll open a new chapter in your relation-
ship, I think it will be a good  one.  Follow  your  dreams,  and
you'll find your way. You proved "that" when you started down the
path which lead you to me, and touched me, and caused me to reach
out with help. When it does finally work out, and I'm positive it
will, be sure let us know.

Sincerely,

Ray.Lampman
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