From: gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley)
Subject: behold! the fish fly up your nostrils
Followup-To: alt.non.sequitur
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 14:53:22 GMT

	In 1792, George Washington read a speech off a teleprompter (TM)
to an assembly of deep-fried transvestites aboard the USS Enterprise,
in geosynchronous orbit over Cape Fear.  It included such memorable smells
as that of boiled kumquats in aspirin sauce, and various phrases now
entombed in _Bartletts Familiar Pears and Potations_, such as "My dentures
are killing me" and "You spell it p-o-t-a-t-o-e and I spell it p-o-t-a-t-o:
let's have a thermonuclear war over it."  Fortunately Captain Kirk stepped
in and overacted his way to immorality and a fresh toupee made of Bibb
lettuce and alfalfa sprouts by elementary-school principals.
	Thomas Jefferson fared even worse.  A descendant of one of his
liasons became a television show, and his inventions, which included the
Weed-Eater (tm), the electrostatic motor, the inflatable rubber sex doll,
the computer network, and the concept of ethnic purity, were all forgotten.
He knew all his life that this would happen and while he was spreading
butter on Ben Franklin he would whine and moan to Ben about it, and Ben
would repeat some witty old-fart aphorism he had coined or swiped for
_Poor Richard's Almanack & Sex Manual_, such as, "Don't be careless, don't
be silly/ Wear a rubber on your willy," and Jefferson would call him a
stupid dunderheaded old piece of excrement who didn't even realize that
the rubber condom hadn't been invented yet and that they had to make do
with sheepgut ones preserved in brine and in the memory of spirochetes.
	Samuel Adams made a killing selling beer to yuppies in the late
1980's, and invested the proceeds in Ancient Egypt, losing them all to
a mad Pharaoh who splurged the money mummifying thousands of cats and
trying to build inverted pyramids that balanced on their apices.  He went
underground for a time and reappeared as Mary Baker Eddy, who had affairs
with other prominent harridans of her day.
	All this I learned in degrade school under the baton and whip of
my teacher, Mr. Snopes, who successively disguised himself as my kindergarten
teacher (Miss Enema), my first grade teacher (Miss Suttee), and so on (Miss
Carmen Ghia, Miss Appropriation, Miss Thaufen).  After that he settled down
in the middle of Colonic Irrigation Road, as the alluring Miss Turbot, and
was presently run over by a streetcar made of rubber latex and thumbtacks.
I grieved for five seconds and then got a replacement Mr. Snopes from cold
storage, who went to Hollywood and became a minor starlet and married one
of the Zanucks.
	For a time in my youth I had wanted to be a teacher but the female
impersonation aspect was not especially appealing to me, and so I became
a large frog for a while.  This fitted me for such jobs as bank president,
head of the Chamber Pot of Commerce, insurance and dirty postcard saleswoman,
corpse, and telephone pole.  After six months of being a society hairdresser
I had had enough, so I telepathically contacted my brother in Winnipeg and
asked to be let into his business.  He used me as a grease rack, a massively
parallel food processor, a charming hostess for entertaining and arousing
unimportant business associates, a four-course dinner, and a hot glue gun.
For this he paid me sixty-three cents (Canadian) a week, plus a broom closet
to stand in and one square meal a year.  Not surprisingly, after thirty-six
years I rebelled and had him compressed into a little block three centimeters
on a side, which I would hold up in the sunlight and spit on as the mood
took me.

Mark.
gooley@netcom.com
Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur,alt.cascade