From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: august
Date: 19 Aug 92 23:32:34 GMT
Organization: NIST

I was shocked when I read of Rob's death.  My first instinct was to scream
and pound on my desk, but others would have heard me, so I took a walk 
instead.  It's not my style to make a ruckus.

I barely knew Rob; we had only exchanged e-mail a couple of times.
I make a hardcopy of just a few (maybe one a month) posts, to show to
Daivd, and to save, because I think they are important and want to share,
one of Rob's included in this group.  

I've only known one other person who died from AIDS.  I guess I've led a 
sheltered life so far.  Actually, I've only lost one family member, and no 
one I would consider a friend, during my entire life.  I don't know what to
say when someone dies, nor what to do.

This group has become important to me.  I made a few efforts to 
write about my experience at the con, but none of them sounded right.
I just can't find the vocabulary to express how much that one event has
influenced me.  I also can't find the words to say what I want about Rob.
I'm just beginning to find my voice expressed in the (to me at least) 
awkward forays I've made into conversations here.

Driving home earlier today, I started to become angry when I thought about
Rob.  Angry at the bigots I have to work with each day, angry at the bigots 
in Houston and in Washington, angry at AIDS.  A song played on the radio in 
which the (female) singer (I don't know who) pleaded "Stay with me..." over 
and over.  I thought more about loss, about Rob, and began to cry.  Nothing 
momentous to some, but this was the first time I have cried in years.  I've 
wanted to for a long time, but couldn't.  Like I said, it's more my style to 
hold everything in.

Nelson said, in another thread:
>All I know to do is to do my best to be visible as a happy queer. When
>I was out demonstrating in the streets with Queer Nation, the thing
>that made me happiest was when some teenager saw me. He knows that I
>am queer and happy. He knows that there are queer people in the world,
>people he can't hurt. And if he might be lesbigay himself, then I hope
>to provide at least a little comfort that he is not alone.
> 
>But this is such a small thing.

I disagree.  This may be such a small thing to you, but it is a big
thing to that youngster.  There are a lot of muffins out there, reading,
and learning, as I have done.  Surely many of them have found comfort
in the words on the screen, are feeling better about who they are,
and learning ways to express more freely who they are.

I doubt that I will stay at my desk silently when something outrages me.  
I doubt that I will be silent when there is bigotry in my midst.  I need
to make noises, to be heard.  No one will speak for me.  Rob's death
has helped push me to the point that I need to scream to everyone who 
will listen, so that just maybe they will understand that anger I am myself
just beginning to understand, or so that someone who needs to hear me
can find that important bit of comfort to keep going.  I suppose this
will be the legacy Rob leaves me.

Has there been any discussion of a soc.motss.quilt?

       Sim Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3328.span@sdsc.edu
"It's always Beach Party Barbie, or Malibu Barbie....  That shit does not
prepare you for the true horror of a real woman's life.  Where is Single,
Abused, Trailer-Park Barbie?"             - Roseanne Arnold