From: M18611@MBVM.Mitre.Org (Kathy Wilk)
Subject: Re: Why is my 4YO son acting this way?
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford MA 01730
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 19:34:08 GMT

In article <1992Aug11.181936.5220@oakhill.sps.mot.com>
stevee@oakhill.sps.mot.com (Stephen Elmendorf) writes:
 
>
>
>I'll come right to the point. My son turned 4 in June, and my wife and I had a
>baby daughter (Haleigh Elizabeth) on May 11...
>     ...
>I guess what I'd be interested in are anybody elses common experiences. How
>did you deal with the situation? How can we help our son learn to show his
>feelings without the aggression? Any good books I should read that may give
>be sketchy, and if more information is needed, I'll gladly supply it. Thanks
>for your help.
>--
>|        __/__ ___     ____________     Stephen Elmendorf               |
 
  My e-mail to you bounced so this will have to be a post:
 
    Just a few thoughts about your son:
 
         -the agression you see may look scary because it seems so
          sudden, but it may have been building as your son mulled
          over some incident that upset him.  For instance, it may
          take a whole day for him to express anger (in the form of
          agression) over a nice cuddly scene with the new baby that
          excluded him.  My 21 month old just this morning had a
          'pick me up' fit when he saw me holding his older sister in
          the rocking chair (I picked him up right away and avoided
          that escalating into a tantrum).
 
         -kicking, hitting, and saying mean things: kids seem to grow
          into stages where they express themselves very physically.
          I just have to keep reminding my two, 'No hitting' (and
          'No biting' and 'No kicking' and 'No throwing').  But I can
          tell that this physical expression is very satisfying to both
          of them (my daughter is 3 yrs 3 months); much MUCH more satis-
          fying than mere words express.
 
         -the beligerent responses: just the other night, my daughter
          surprised everyone at the table by calling me, 'Dummy'.  My
          husband and I never use that word, or 'stupid', or indulge
          in any kind of name-calling so where did it come from?  I have
          a feeling it could only come from the long day she spends on
          the playground at her pre-school.  She plays with older kids
          there and I'm sure those words are common.  At the same meal,
          she called me a 'silly old poo-poo' and we don't use the word
          poo-poo, so I know that has to be a 'joke' she has learned
          at school.  We just told her, 'We don't say words like
          'dummy' or call someone a 'poo-poo''.   The sentence 'I'm
          going to kill you' sounds like something picked up while
          your son played (rough-housed) with other boys.
 
         -you and your wife may be taking this agressive behavior
          more seriously than someone else might because 1) it is
          the first time you have seen such blatant behavior in your
          son and 2) it disturbs you because you know that you have
          left behind the years of having your little boy be the
          precious only/first child.  I think there has to be some
          real emotional grieving when you 'lose' your own one-to-
          one relationhip to the only/first.  He'll never be your
          only again!  So there's emotional baggage for the parent
          to deal with when there is a new child, as well as the
          sibling's conflicts.
 
         -the agression is frightening because it is so sudden and
          fierce.  It is hard to imagine being so totally engulfed
          by these passionate emotions but little kids experience
          it all the time - they can't talk themselves out of being
          afraid, for example, the way adults can, and so they
          experience feelings of abandonment as tidal waves of emotion.
          The sibling rivalry relates to the child feeling abandoned
          (emotionally) by parents who previously regarded him as the
          center of their homelife.
 
          The above are just thoughts - not the result of having worked
         through rivarlry problems myself (of that magnitude).  I felt
         so guilty about my second usurping my first that I DOUBLED
         my attention to my first and while I carried my baby with me
         constantly (and nursed him on demand and brought him to bed
         with me when he fussed), I really acted as if I only had eyes
         for my daughter.  And of course, she was still 'Daddy's girl'.
         So somehow, we survived.  I felt torn between the two, none-
         theless.
 
          Brazleton or Burton White (don't remember who) said that older
         kids are much more clever when they are rivalrous around the new
         baby.   They can actually (depending on age) say sweetly,
         'Mommy, I just want to take the baby outside to smell the flowers.'
         while their true goal is to take the baby outside to dump him or
         her in the trash!  So beware!
 
           Burton White talks about sibling rivalry quite a bit in his
        book, 'The First Three Years'.
 
                          Good Luck,
                          M18611@MBVM.MITRE.ORG
 
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