From: c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au (Chris Baird)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons
Subject: [9F01] Homer the Heretic,,
Date: 16 Oct 1992 14:50:26 -0400
Organization: Church Simpson
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.widener.edu


I hate to disappoint everyone, but I did NOT cameo in this week's episode.. :)

This time the `Quotes & Scene Summary' section is a tinsy bit longer
due to a novelisation approach.	 Dave Hall apologises for having a
creative spark, and promises it will not happen again.


-- Chris Baird,,  <c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au>

==================================================================== 17-Oct-92
[9F01] ``Homer the Heretic''			       Written by George Meyer
						       Directed by Jim Reardon
==============================================================================
Episode Capsule composed by Chris Baird (c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au)
Quotes and Scene Summaries by Dave Hall (dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca)
==============================================================================
> Title sequence
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the premier airing of this episode, the USA broadcast suffered a severely
shortened introduction sequence and a recycled couch scene.  North of the
Canadian border they got:

 Blackboard:  ``I will not defame New Orleans''
	      [unknown cutoff]

 Lisa's Sax Solo:  ...

 Driveway  : ...

 Couch	   : After everyone sits down, the couch rotates 180 degrees into a
	     secret passage in the wall, to be replaced with a new, empty
	     couch.

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   ...God had the usual number of digits?
   ...Homer found a *1991* penny.
   ...the ``Welcome to Springfield Harbor'' sign with Blinky, the three-eyed
      fish?

Raymond L. Gilbert:
   ...the boxes labeled "Oily Rags" and "Blasting Caps" in the cellar.
   ...there was yet another conspicuous reference to Homer's 4 digits when
      he boosts up the four band graphic equalizer on the stereo with *all*
      his fingers..

Dave Hall:
   ...Maggie no longer sits in her high-chair?
   ...the standard car-chase goof of a hubcap falling off Ned's car, only to
      reappear in the following scenes?
   ...Rev. Lovejoy needed to refer to a list for the 10 commandments?

==============================================================================
> Lists
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Articles from the July 1966 issue of `Playdude':
    Don't Laugh.  It's a Car From Japan.
    Unabashed Dictionary defines IUD as `Love springs internal.'  {rlc}
    Interview With Lorne Michaels

The fire crew:	{rlg}
    Apu (fire-chief)
    Chief Wiggum
    Krusty
    Barney
    Otto
    Mrs. Van Houten  (Milhouse's mother)

The recipe for Homer's patented, Space age, out-of-this-world, Moon waffle:
    Ingredients:
	Caramels
	Waffle batter
       "Liquid smoke"
    Method:
	Plop excessive amounts of the ingredients onto a waffle maker and
	squish down.  Greedily gobble up the waffle run-off.

    Serve with a stick of margarine, held in place by a toothpick.

==============================================================================
> Popular references
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  + ``2001, A Space Odyssey''
      - Homer in the womb (cf: the Star-Child)
      - the music from "Thus Sprack Zarahustra".
  + ``Risky Business''
      - Homer dancing about the house in briefs, shades, and bear slippers.
    ``White Lightning'' (a Burt Reynolds/Gator McClusky movie)
      - Jumping the car into a departing garbage barge, *and*
      - Homer waving goodbye to the pursuer on the shore.
	(Robert Lopez, rlopez@loanstar.tamu.edu)
  + The Three Stooges
    St. Francis of Assinni
      - Homer with all the animals, dressed in Franciscan garb.	 (Tom Hove)
    ``Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey''
      - Famous dudes enjoying themselves in Heaven.
  ? Deep Purple
      - The ``Smoke on the Water'' building at Springfield Harbor.  {rlg}

>> Automobiles

From our resident automotive fanatic, Noel Tominack (noel@umbc2.umbc.edu):
    Flanders' Station wagon was not very detailed, but the vertical dual
    headlamps and pointed fender front suggests that its a late 1970s Ford
    or Chrysler (most likely a 1979 LTD II or 1978 Town & Country).  Most
    likely the latter since Chrysler was big on the plastic woodgrain edging.

>> The Elephant God?

Amitava Biswas (ami@leland.stanford.edu) gives details:

    Ganesh (they pronounced it "ga-nee-sha", which is acceptable) is not the
    "Elephant God", but a god with an elephant's head.	He generally isn't
    referred to as the "God of Worldly Wisdom" as Apu called him, but Ganesh
    IS the appropriate God for commerce, and religious Hindu businessmen
    often have a Ganesh shrine in their place of business, so on that count,
    the show did real well.  Good God research!

[please excuse my liberties with the editing, Amitava. --cjb]

==============================================================================
> Freeze-Frame Fun
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

==============================================================================
> Animation Goofs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Hall once again proves to us all that Toon-land openly violates the
laws of Physics..
    - It's below zero, snow falling, yet outdoor scenes depict clear roads.
    - Different scene angles depict a different position for the waffle
      maker's power cord.  In some cases--not even there.
    - The parked fire engine switches directions.

Raymond Gilbert notes that the rainbow over Flanders' house omits Orange
from the spectrum.

Ernest Crvich (crvich@csugrad.cs.vt.edu):
    Right before Reverend Lovejoy whacks the flower arrangement next to him
    with his arm, does it look like the microphone in front of him turns
    white (as if it wasn't colored in for that frame) for a split second?

Iain Grier (ipgrier@sail.uwaterloo.ca)
    Maggie was sliding frozen formula out of her bottle in the shape of a
    cylinder.  This shouldn't have happened since the bottle had a bigger
    diameter than its mouth.

Scott "Stop calling me Bart" Simpson (simpson@nbr.ca):
    What I thought was nifty was that I thought I spotted a goof in that
    Jimi's guitar sitting under the air hockey table was a *right-handed*
    guitar, and Jimi was, of course, left handed.  Just as I thought I would
    have something to post about, realisation set in and I remembered that
    the man always played a right-handed Strat, strung upside-down.

Was the two hairs on top of Homer's head returning after the fire really a
animation goof?	 Consider the immediate regrowth of Homer's beard in 7g01
and 7f11..

==============================================================================
> Great unanswered questions
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Raymond L. Gilbert (pi@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu):
    At the church, how come Ned was the first person to the door?  I would
    have guessed he'd be sitting near the front, and be the last person to
    get near the door.

    What did Homer win from the radio station?

    God: ``You can't wait 6 months?''  Is this foreshadowing for the end of
    this season?  Or will that time never come because the Simpsons are
    eternally frozen in time?

David Hyatt (dhyatt@leland.stanford.edu):
    Why in the WORLD was Bart wearing SHORTS in church on that freezing cold
    day?  And Lisa -- a sunbonnet?  Bart might be rebellious, but I don't
    think he would wear shorts in the winter.  And I think Marge would
    definitely send him back upstairs to put on some warm clothes.

==============================================================================
> Reviews, Comments and other miscellany
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Wood (jojw@uhura.cc.rochester.edu):
    Just when I griped about how the Simpsons were losing their edge came
    one of the funniest episodes in a loooooooong time.	 The storyline was
    interesting, but the dialogue and spoofs worked beautifully, especially
    the Risky Business spoof.

David Hyatt (dhyatt@leland.stanford.edu):
    Overall, great episode.  I loved:
    - the ducks! (a Caldicott-winner "Make Way for Ducks!" reference?)

    And everything else.  Except the very, very, very end.  Very un-Simpsons-
    like.  A little too ominous, and the (fade under announcer's voice)
    effect was a really cheap gag.

    [But] we got to see an awful lot of Bart with his "Sunday hairdo."
    Cool!

Dave Hall:
    It was the little unexpected things (that happened in very rapid
    succession) that made my evening:
    - Apu reaching down behind the counter, but instead of pulling out a
      weapon..	a little boy.  And yet another surprise when the boy
      produced the weapon and the looks on Jimbo, Kearny and Dolph's faces.
    - Marge's mimicking the sound of the car's cold engine that wouldn't
      start.
    - The whole Ned rescuing Homer bit; vaudeville slapstick at it's best.

Al Wesolowsky (abw@natchez.bu.edu):
    Did anyone else think that God was rendered in a Gahan-Wilson-style of
    drawing?  The proportions of the hand and the 'puffy' effect on clothing
    looked to me like they were straight out of a Wilson cartoon.

Karl Wagenfuehr (wagenfuh@huey.udel.edu):
    I think they are pushing things with the fire in the Simpson household
    if they expect us to just unblinkingly forget all about it by next
    episode, as we see the house fully intact, and no reference made to the
    fire.  I mean, come on, even "Happy Days" accepted and acknowledged
    change due to fire (remember the new Arnold's?).  What's particularly
    annoying is that the Simpsons, much more than other shows, makes
    references to past episodes.

    Of course they've done this kind of thing many times before; how many
    times has Homer become famous, only to be a totally obscure schmuck
    again next episode?	 (Or other family members, for that matter.)

Steve Stelter (sjs28257@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu):
    Last season's "Homer at the Bat" elicited a couple of comments from
    folks who felt that the scene where Jose Canseco saves various things
    from a burning building was reminiscent of the Ren & Stimpy "Fire Dogs"
    episode. I didn't (and still don't) view that scene as a R&S reference
    in any way, but what about this:

    In Act III of "Homer the Heretic," there's that shot of the fire truck
    zooming down the street, as the camera pans from the front of the back
    of the truck.  The shot is almost identical to that of the fire truck
    rushing through the city in "Fire Dogs."  Not only that--and here's the
    clincher--we see Otto in fireman garb holding on to the back of the
    truck for dear life, just as Ren is doing in the corresponding scene in
    "Fire Dogs."

    Bona fide R&S reference, or overactive imagination?	 You decide!

==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene summary
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's just another beautiful day in the womb for baby Homer.  He unexpectedly
screams when he feels a hand grabbing for him.	But he doesn't wanna be
born, and kicks fiercely.

Homer wakes from his dream, grasping for the bed as Marge pulls at a leg.

Homer: I'm all naked and all wet!
Marge: Get up, Homer.  It's time for Church.
Homer: [whines] I don't want to go.
Marge: It's Church--you have to go!

Homer complains that it's too cold to go outside.  A look outside shows a
Polar Bear rummaging through the garbage cans as snow is fiercely blown
about by gale-forced winds.  (You could be mistaken into thinking they were
in Canada.. :)

Homer is downstairs, struggling to get into a pair of trousers (``One size
fits all--my butt!'').	Marge tells him to hurry or they'll be late.  He
gives his pants one last try and ends up ripping the seat out of them.	He's
not going, he tells her.  Marge watches him climb the stairs, revealing his
reason.

Marge drives herself and the kids to church.  Maggie takes a taste of her
child seat, but her tongue freezes to it.  Bart looks around curiously.

Bart:  Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father's.. [pause]	resting.
Bart:  Resting hung over, resting got fired--help me out here.

Back at home, Homer lies buried deep in a pile of blankets (``Ahhh, I'm just
a big toasty cinnamon bun'').  He promises to stay in bed for ever, but his
bladder thinks otherwise.

Homer: Oh oh!  Gotta take a whizz.  Think fast.	 Think. Think..think..think.
       [resigning] Well.. I'd better get up.

He discovers another morning pleasure while in the bathroom.

Homer:	I'm whizzing with the door open aaaand I love it!

Homer takes a shower.  He turns on the `No Soap Radio'.	 Head tilted back,
he lets water fill his mouth as he listens.

Radio: It's eleven KBBL degrees belooow zero, I hope you're someplace warm.
Homer: You bet'cha sweet... [looks around]  ASS!
       [laughs]

Meanwhile, at the First Church of Springfield, Rev. Timothy Lovejoy sensibly
clad in thick clothes, apologizes for the broken furnace.  A frozen church
goer demands to know why.  The Reverend comforts the man by not answering.

Rev. L: Let's put it out of our minds and turn to the Lamentations of
	Jeremiah -- LONG VERSION!

During the recitation, Maggie wonders why her bottle isn't working.
The mystery is solved when she plops a solid block of milk onto the pew.

After turning up the house thermostat, Homer puts on a record, pumps up the
volume, and slides into the hallway with the help of `big foot' slippers. 
He has nothing on except for undies and shades.

Stereo: -Who wear short shorts?-
Homer:	[dancing] I wear short shorts!

In the kitchen he prepares some of his patented, space age, out-of-this-
world Moon waffles.  He plops caramel, waffle batter and liquid smoke onto a
waffle maker and squishes it down, causing some of the mixture to drip down
the sides.

Homer: [eyeing batter] Oooo, waffle run-off!  [greedily gobbles it up]

When the waffle is done, he serves it wrapped around a block of butter with
a toothpick, posing with it in front of his mouth before taking a bite.
``Mmmm, fatting.''

At church, Rev. Lovejoy dishes out the God-fearing stuff.

Rev. L: ...and he was cast into the firey cauldron of Hell!
	The searing heat!  The scalding rivers of molten sulfur!

The congregation is moved.  Pleasured looks grace the faces of Marge and the
kids.  Bart is blissful, ``Ahhhh, I'm there.''

At home, Homer lies sprawled in front of the TV.  Some of his patented Moon
waffle spills onto his chest.  No problemo..  He calls for Santa's Little
Helper, and giggles uncontrollably as the dog's tongue licks up the mess.

Rev. Lovejoy concludes his service and bids his congregation to go in peace.
Ned Flanders discovers the door is frozen shut, striking fear and panic into
the hearts of all the freezing people as this was their only way out.  Lisa
takes the time to pray.

Lisa: [praying] Our father, who art in heaven.	H--
Bart: [annoyed] Lisa, this isn't the time nor the place!

Welding a coffee mug, Homer sits on the couch while listening to the radio.

Bill:  That was John Calhoun with ``I'm gonna find me a genie with a magic
       bikini''.
Marty: [laugh] Of course...  John's next album was a spoken word album of
       his right-wing political views; it kinda killed his career.  If you
       can tell me the name of the album, call our contest line now!

Homer's gasps (``Oh, I know that!'') and runs to the stereo, selecting a
record (`These Things I Believe').  He runs to the phone and dials.
Surprise, surprise, he get's through on the first try.

Homer:	   Hello, this is Homer Simpson.
Radioguy1: Homer, can you name that title?
Homer:	   [looking directly at the album] THIS-THINGS-I-BELIEVE.
Radioguy1: D'aaa, can we except that?
	   [sound of a cash register]
Homer:	   [fist in the air] Wow Ho!

At the church, Rev. Lovejoy asks for Groundskeeper Willie's progress in
blowtorching the front doors.

Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!

To help keep the people's minds off the cold, Rev. Lovejoy reads from the
Sunday Bulletin.

Rev. L: [reading from a paper]	Card table for sale:  Top badly damaged,
	leg missing, but otherwise fine.  One dollar or best offer.

Homer enjoys a `Three Stooges' skit on the TV.

Lady:  You must be the three chiropractors I send for.	Now start
       manipulating my spine.
Curly: Hey Moe, we don't know anything about manipulat'n.
Moe:   You heard the lady, grab a spine and get crack'n [slaps Curly]
Homer: He he he..  Moe is their leader.
Curly: [-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-]
Moe:   Why you [-pop-]
Curly: Hey!

At church, Willie finally manages to get the doors open.  Rev. Lovejoy tells
the fleeing crowd not to push.	Bart chooses his own way -- running on top
of the human wave.

Homer welds the TV remote in one hand, a trusty beer in the other.

Homer: C'mon TV, give me some of that sweet sweet pap!	[switches the TV on]
TVguy: Who wants to define our terms, gentlemen, are we talking about
       redistricting or reapportionment?  Because...
Homer: Oh well, can't win them all.

But at that very moment...

Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you.. [pause]
	   a football game.

Homer leaps into the air (``YES!''), throws his beer to the floor and does a
little football victory jig.

In the church parking lot, the kids watch Marge mimic the sound of a car as
she tries to get the cold engine started.  From the back-seat, Lisa leans
over to offer advice.

Lisa:  [pointing downward] Give it a little more gas...	 [Marge complies]
       No No!  That's too much!	 [pause]  You know what I think would help?
Marge: [lashing out] WHAT!?  WHAT WOULD HELP?!!
Lisa:  [cowering] nothing..

Back at home, Homer munches on a bag of potato chips as the football
commentator does his job.

Football commentator:
    Oh, Doctor, 98 yard triple reverse ties the score 63-63.  We've seen
    nothing but razzle-dazzle here today.  Three visits from `Morgana, the
    Kissing Bandit' and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.

Homer cheers with excitement, (``Wow Hoo'') before noticing a shiny brand
new 1991 penny on the floor between his legs.

Homer: [astonished]  Is that what I think it is?  [Lincoin nods]
       [triumphantly]  I FOUND...A...PPPPENNY!

He wonders if this is the best day in his life.	 After flashbacks of Marge's
pregnancy and himself dancing gleefully around an over-turned beer tanker,
it ``Looks like we have a new champion!''

Homer greets his returning church-going family in from the cold and asks how
it went.  After some muffled grumblings from his shivering family, Homer
tells them he's just had the best day of his entire life and owes it all to
skipping church.

Marge: That's a terrible thing to say!	[to the kids] Kids, your father
       doesn't really mean that.
Homer: Like fun I don't.  Marge, I'm never going to church.. Again!
Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: Nooo!  Noo noo noo no nnnoo!  [pause] Well.. yes.

[End of Act One.]

The family has lunch at the kitchen table.  Marge fusses over the sink,
trying to remove burnt caramel from the waffle maker.

Homer: Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building ever Sunday?
       I mean isn't God everywhere?
Bart:  [agrees] Amen, bother!
Homer: [waving hands about] And don't you think the Almighty has better
       things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly
       hour of his week?
Bart:  Tell it, Daddy!
Homer: [shuffles about] And what if we'd picked the wrong religion?
       Every week we're just making God madder and madder.
Bart:  [rejoice] Testify!
Marge: [sees Bart waving his hands about] Mmmm.

Kneeing by the side her side of the bed, Marge prays to the Lord that Homer
isn't perfect, but is a kind and decent man (``..please show him the error
of his ways'').	 From his side of the bed, a nude Homer pats the mattress,
coaxing her to come to bed.  Marge gives a stern ``No!'', and continues.

Marge: He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord--he just likes to sleep in
       on Sundays.

Playing with Marge's hair, Homer tries some more coaxing.  Marge continues
praying, but in whispers.

Marge: [He's not a bad man, Lord, really!  He just sometimes...]
Homer: It's good for what ails yah.
Marge: [...he doesn't mean any harm...]
Homer: I can wait all-- [snores]

Soft, eerie, music plays as Homer finds himself sitting on the couch
watching TV.  He realizes that the entire house is trembling.  The TV
flashes `UH-OH!' across it's screen.  Above the house a large hand shoots
out from the clouds and removes the roof, and the Almighty stands before an
awestruck Homer.  Homer asks a stupid question.

Homer: God?

GOD:   [pointing finger] THOU HAS FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!
Homer: [cowering] Well, err, kind of, but--
GOD:   [commands] BUT WHAT?
Homer: [whines] I'm not a bad guy. [kneels] I work hard and I love my kids,
       so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to
       Hell?
GOD:   [ponders] MMMM.	YOU GOT A POINT, THERE. [sits down]
       YOU KNOW SOMETIMES EVEN I WOULD RATHER BE WATCHING FOOTBALL.
       [motions Homer to sit beside him]  DOES ST. LOUIS STILL HAVE A TEAM?
Homer: No, they'd moved to Phoenix.
GOD:   [remembering] OH, YAH.
Homer: You know what I hate about Church--those boring sermons!
GOD:   [heavy sigh] I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.  THAT REVEREND LOVEJOY REALLY
       DISPLEASES ME--I THINK I'LL GIVE HIM A CANKER SORE.
Homer: Give him one for me.
GOD:   I WILL.

While petting SBII, God listens to Homer explain about living right and
worshiping in his own way.  God accepts this.

   HOMER, IT'S A DEAL.	NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO APPEAR IN A
   TORTILLA IN MEXICO.

Homer bids God goodbye, and watches the apparition rise into the sky.
From her side of the bed, Marge wonders what her drooling, smiling,
sleeping husband is waving at.

The following morning Homer walks barefoot across the frozen ground in his
bathroom robe.	An inquisitive Lisa runs up to him.

Lisa:  Dad, can I ask you a question?
Homer: Sure, honey.
Lisa:  Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart, if I'm wrong I'll recant on my deathbed.

At that moment, tiny animals gather around Homer.  He joyously greets his
little friends, but becomes annoyed when he attempts to take a shower.
(``Guys, please, can you give me five minutes?'')

Rev. Lovejoy gasps when Marge confesses that she had an ulterior motive for
inviting him to dinner.	 It's nothing bad, she tells him.  She only
concerned about Homer not attending church.  From the other end of the
table, Homer puts his fork down and explains that God told him to seek a new
path.

Rev.L: [mock surprise] Oh, really?
Homer: Yeah!  He'd appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was
       special because I usually dream about naked.. [hesitates] Marge.
Marge: [frustrated] Huhmmm.
Bart:  [impressed] So, Homer, you saw the big cheese?  What did he look like?
Homer: Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.
Marge: [wildly] Homer, you're crazy! [to Lovejoy] Tell him this is all crazy!
Rev.L: Ahh, Homer.. I like you to remember Matthew 7-26, `The foolish man
       who built his house on sand.'
Homer: [pointing finger] Oh, you remember [stumbles] Matthew 21-17.
Rev.L: And he left them, and went out of the city to Bethany and he
       lodged there?
Homer: [embarrassed] Hey--think about it!

At the Tavern, Moe thinks Homer is pretty slick when he calls work to inform
them that he isn't going to be in tomorrow because of a religious holiday
(``Feast of Maximum Occupancy'').  Homer encourages Moe to join his religion
because there's no Hell or kneeling.  Moe holds up his hands, displaying
several bandages.

Moe: Sorry, Homer, I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

The Flanders make it their duty to show Homer the way.	They begin by
showing up on his front doorstep.

Ned:	[holding a guitar] Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we'll
	made it our mission to win you back to the flock.
Homer:	No sale!
Ned:	Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice--hey, dig
	this...
	-God said to Noel, there's going to be a floody floody-

Homer slams the door.  The Flanders won't give up so easily, so they call a
snoozing Homer at work.	 On the phone, Homer hears: ``Rain came down, it
started to get muddy muddy''.  He slams the headset down on the receiver.

Flanders' next attempt comes when they're on the road.	Ned pulls along-
side Homer, getting him to roll down his window.  Homer is then blasted by
more singing.

	-Get those animals [clap] on the arky arky-

Homer can't take it any more (``Leave me alone!'') and steps on the gas.
Rod Flanders shouts, ``Dadddddy!  The heathen's getting away!'' Ned gives
chase.	Groovy 70s' cop show music starts playing.

Homer speeds towards a railroad crossing and plows straight through the
barrier, scraping past an oncoming train.

Does Ned stop?	No!  He braces himself and meets the train head on.  Does he
crash?	(Surprise! Surprise!)  No!  Flanders' car passes through an open box
cart and lands roughly on the other side, unscathed.

Slamming the steering wheel with his fist, Homer is agitated to see the
determined family still tailing.  He drives his car into Springfield Harbor,
up and off a pier.  The car lands on a sea-going garbage barge, some 100
feet away.

Ned screams, and breaks the car just inches of falling into the water.	On
the barge Homer chuckles and waves back.  He turns to the man beside him and
asks where the rat-infested, fowl-smelling, barge is headed.  To Garbage
Island, the man replies.

Sunday.	 Homer and the kids watch an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon:

   ``Flay Me to the Moon''

   Opening credit: Scratchy chasing Itchy across the moon's surface with
		   the pointed end of a flag.  Itchy fires back with a
		   ray-gun.

   In a tiny shack, Scratchy sways gently in a rock'n'chair, reading
   about a moon launch.	 He is oblivious to Itchy sneaking up on him, who
   grabs his tongue.

   Running with the cat's tongue, Itchy crosses a wide field to a
   waiting launching pad--where he ties the it to one of the rocket's
   tail-fins.  He watches the rocket take off and lasso the Moon with
   Scratchy's tongue.

   Looking out the window, Scratchy sees the incoming moon.  He screams,
   waving his hands hysterically about, and hides in a closet.

   At Mission Control, the main viewing screen is trained on the tiny
   shack.  And like some Monty Python skit, the moon falls on the shack
   dead on (``PLOOP!'').  All the mice cheer and open bottles of champagne.

Homer and the kids laugh uncontrollably.  Marge enters, telling the kids
it's time for Church.  Bart wants to know why they have to go when Homer can
stay home and watch cartoons.  Marge (``Mmmm!'') turns and speaks directly
to their father.

Marge: I have a responsible to raise these kids right.	And unless you
       change, I'll have to tell them their father's [pause] well.. Wicked!

Homer answers.

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy.. He had
       long hair, and some wild ideas.	And he didn't always do what other
       people thought was right.  And that man's names was [pause] I forget,
       but the point is [another pause] Aww, I forget that too..  Marge,
       you know what I'm talking about?	 He use to drive that blue car..

Marge has the kids to leave before explaining to Homer that he isn't going
to win if she has to choose between him and God.  Homer is fed up.

Homer: There you go again--always taking someone else's side.
       [counts on his fingers]	Flanders, the water department, God.

The church billboard: TODAY'S TOPIC - WHEN HOMER MET SATAN

Inside, the good Reverend shocks the church-goers by announcing that the
devil walks among them.	 Bart reaches out and grabbing a sinister looking
man by the throat (``I GOT HIM!'')  Rev. Lovejoy clams Bart down.

Rev. L: Ohhh, don't look for the pitch-fork and pointy tail--today's devil
	has assumed a seductive form, pleasing to the eye.

Homer's fat, semi-nude, body lies sprawled on the couch.  He reads a
Playdude magazine while fingering an ear.  He reads a joke aloud, laughs,
but doesn't get it.  The front door bell rings.	 Opening the door, Homer
sees Krusty the Clown canvassing.

Krusty: Hello, I collecting for the brotherhood of Jewish clowns.  Last
	year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 jewish clowns.	The worst
	incident was during our convention at Lubbock, Texas [slight tremble]
	..there were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere... [cries]
	It was terrib-b-le!

An annoyed Homer asks Krusty if this is some religious thing.  He slams the
door when Krusty tells him it's a religious clown-thing.

At church, Rev. Lovejoy spits out the 3rd Commandment.	Meanwhile at the
Kwik-E-Mart, Homer slams a slab of Duff beer and a pack of cigars on the
counter top.

Homer: Apu, I see you're not in church.
Apu:   Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesh, the God of wordily wisdom,
       [pointing] located in the employee lounge.
Homer: [walks over, sees a tiny multi-armed elephant]
       Hey, Ganesh, wanna peanut?
Apu:   [arms folded] Please don't offer my God a peanut!
Homer: [amused] No offence Apu, but when they're handing out religions
       you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu:   [irately] Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...
       [changing expression] ...and come again.

At church, Rev. Lovejoy raises his fists high in the air, shouting,
``PRIDE GO FORTH BEFORE DESTRUCTION!''

Homer lays on the front room's couch, smoking a cigar and resting his feet
on the beer crate.  On the floor around him are several empty beer cans and
Playdude magazines.  He passes out.  The cigar drops from his gaping mouth
and ignites the magazines, quickly spreading through the house.	 Homer feels
the blazing heat.

Homer: [dreamily] Marge, turn down the heat.. [long pause] That's better.

[End of Act Two.]

Santa's Little Helper charges through the burning flames, to find the still
body of his master unconscious on the couch.  He tugs fiercely at Homer's
morning robe until he notices a chocolate bar protruding from a pocket. 
Rescuing the chocolate bar with his mouth, SLH scrambles through a doggy
door to safety.

Sparks land on Homer's head, igniting his two remaining strands of hair. 
Homer wakes up, screaming.

   Waaaaaagh!  Fire!  What do I do?  What do I do? [coughing]  The song!
   The song...
		  When the fire starts to burn,
		  there's a lesson you must learn.

		  Something...something...then you see,
		  you will avoid catastrophe...

		  ...D'OH!

		 [Homer collapses]

Smoke rises above the neighborhood and is noticed by Apu from the
Kwik-E-Mart.  Donning a Firefighters' hat and coat, he tells Jimbo, Dolph
and Kearny that they're on their own, and not to steal anything.

Apu views the young thugs with mistrust.  He reaches below the counter and
pulls out his young nephew Jamshed.  Apu places the tiny boy on the counter.

Apu:	 Lit'l Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
Jamshed: [gratified] I have waited for this day...

Jamshed reaches behind his back and presents a sawed-off shotgun, which
he cocks and aims at the astonished punks.

Springfield's Volunteer Fire Brigade blares across the town.  Barney Gumbel
hangs from the rear of the fire-engine still sipping from a beer mug.
Besides him, Otto clings for dear life.

Apu brings the engine to a screeching halt before a row of tiny marching
ducks.	Apu's angry eyes follow the line back to a nearby lake.

Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! [melts] But you're sooo cute!

Face pressed hard against the bay window, Ned sees Homer's body through the
flames and starts pounding, calling out Homer's name.  Hearing no sound from
him, Ned kicks the front door down and rushes in.  Acting quickly, he
shoulders Homer's unconscious body and rushes back to the door.	 A burning
timber falls before him.  Ned screams, ``NOOOOOOOOOO!''

Ned slowly backs up, but his feet falls through the weakened floorboards. 
He manages to climb out and carries Homer's fat frame up to the second
floor.

A mattress lands outside a second storey window.  Inside the burning house
Ned pauses to say a little prayer.

Ned: Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress square
     and true.

Homer gives a slight whine as Ned bumps him out the window.  With limbs
spread apart, Homer soars through the air.  He does a perfect belly flop
dead center of the mattress, bounces up--and crashes through the Dining room
window.	 A perfect outline of Homer's body is punched in the glass.

Ned sighs and jumps onto the mattress, somersaulting into dining room.	By
the time the fire-fighters arrive, Ned has Homer safety outside.  Homer
coughs, asks why was saved.  Ned, breathing hard, ``Heck!  You would have
done the same for me!''

Homer fantasizes lying in a hammock, toasting joyously to a screaming Ned
burning alive. (``That's right, old friend'')

Screaming Homer's name, Marge and the kids rush towards him.  Hovering over
her Husband, Marge asks if he's okay.  Homer raises his head, cries.

Homer: My magazines and roach traps!  Gone!  All gone!

From a flame engulfed doorway, Krusty comes staggering out with SBII firmly
attached to his face.  (``Owwwww, that hurt!'')

Barney strolls up to Wiggum with an axe (who is unrolling fire hoses) and
asks what they're for.	Wiggum doesn't know, but suggest they're for
chopping stuff.	 Barney gets started with the Simpsons' mailbox.

Watching the house burn with her father, Lisa states that it must be an act
of God.	 Some flames leaps across the yard and they watch as Flanders' house
catches on fire.

Homer: Hey, wait a minute..  Flanders' a regular Charlie Church and God
       didn't save his house?!

A small cloud appears, dosing the flames with rainwater.

A insurance assessor asks Homer if there's any valuables left in the house.

Homer:	  [coyly] Well...the Picasso, my collection of classic cars...
Assessor: [eyes in the air] Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses,
	  not made up stuff.
Homer:	  [bummed out] Well that just great!

Kent Brockman sees a chance for a dramatic news story.	With ash smeared
across his face, he dramatically depicts the fire as an unstoppable
foe--until Wiggum announces it's out.  Kent quickly ends the broadcast.

In the remains of her burnt kitchen, Marge serves hot chocolate and
marshmallows to Homer, Rev. Lovejoy and the tired firefighters.	 Marge
agrees when Homer suggests that there's a lesson to be learned.	 Homer stops
her from telling what it is, wanting to guess it.  Looking to the ceiling,
Homer ponders what that lesson might be.  Something comes to him.
([stern voice] ``The Lord is vengeful!'')

Chuckling, Ned tells Homer that God didn't set his house on fire, God was
working in the hearts his friends and Neighbors when they went to his aid. 
He points to Ned (the Christian), Krusty (The Jew), and Apu (miscellaneous).
Resentfully, Apu corrects him.	``Hindu.  There are 700 million of us!''

Homer is touched, he apologizes for being rude to the three men who helped
save his life when they could have left him to fry like a proverbial pancake
that he is.  Marge hugs her husband.  Rev. Lovejoy asks if he'll attend
church.	 Homer assures the Reverend he'll be there front row center.

Slumped over on the pew, Homer snores loudly as an embarrass Marge looks on.
As his snores echo throughout the church, Homer has a dream that he's in
heaven, walking with God.

God: DON'T FEEL BAD, HOMER.  9 OUT OF 10 RELIGIONS FAIL THEIR FIRST YEAR.

They walk pass Benjamin Franklin scoring on Jimi Hendrix at shufflepuck.

Homer: God, I gotta ask you something--what's the meaning of life?
God:   HOMERRRR...I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!
Homer: C'mon!
God:   YOU FIND OUT WHEN YOU DIE.
Homer: I can't wait that long!
God:   YOU CAN'T WAIT 6 MONTHS?
Homer: No, tell me now.
God:   WELL.. [pause] OKAY.  THE MEANING OF LIFE IS
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