From: anon-1280@twwells.com (Ode)
Subject: Child ****** !!! SPOILER !!! ******
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 07:18:53 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


ANON-Name: Ode
ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Ping: yes
ANON-Announce: yes





One step forward, two steps back....

I don't mind people knowing that I'm vickie, I just don't like
seeing my name in the header. Ah well, feelings don't have to
always make sense. After a day of being elated, I spent 2 days
as depressed and "Alaskan" as I've been in months. (Well, actually,
there was that day a couple of months ago, but that's neither
here nor there...) sooooo, it was either unsubscribe and scurry
away, hoping that I'd be forgotten very quickly, or do it this
way, just so I wouldn't see my name in Lights (nn highlights the
name, wouldn't you know it.)

Here goes.....one......Two.......THREE.......*JUMP*!







******************** !!! SPOILER !!! ********************



Seriously, this is about child molestation.





It's not scary, but it is graphic.







Ctrl L never worked for me






How about them Cubs?







Are *YOU* registered to vote?





******************************   !!! SPOILER !!!   ***********************










hit "n" now!













No, really, I wish you would :-/






Leave now, or forever hold your peace (except for "f" or "r")








Oh well...

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I said that there were 5 separate "events," that was wrong.
First, Child involved many different events and second, I remembered
another thing where the perp was not the same one as in Child.

I tried to go about this in an analytical fashion. (Or I would, anyway,
if I could spell analytical. Where's that dictionary...)


When I started to think about the things that had happened to me I
had to give them names to keep them straight in my mind. I also
wrote down how important I think they were/are to my psyche (i.e the
pain, physical, emotional and/or mental they caused at the time.)

They are:

1) Child-age ? to 5-6   Not important. No hurt, no fear, no pain.
2) Trees-age 5-6        Not important. No hurt, no fear, no pain.
3) Runaway-age 13       Very important. Gray Area. Mental pain.
4) Cousin-age 14        Extremely important. Emotional and mental pain.
5) Date Rape-age 15     Extremely important. Physical and mental pain.
6) Trucker-age 24       Important. Mental pain.

This is the story, as much as I can remember, of Child and Trees.
Even though it involves molestation, none of these memories are
scary to me.

Other thoughts and observations follow after the story.



Last chance...






===================================================================
Child

We moved from the city to a farm when I was 6, almost 7, years old.
Everything takes place before that, though I can't put an exact age
to any one memory.

This involved a man, not a family member, who lived in a house that
my dad owned, which was very close to ours. It was behind and
caty-corner to ours, but within a few seconds walk.

I don't remember the man's name. Though I can't picture his face, I'm
positive that he was young, probably in his 20s.

My first memory (and I mean that literally, it's the very first thing
I remember of my life) is of this man picking me up and holding me,
with his hand between my legs and cupping my vagina. I have no memory
if I (or he) was wearing clothes, but I was not wearing panties. I had my
arms around him and my head on his shoulder. We were in his house.
This memory just came to me within the last few weeks and I don't
know what triggered it.

The next event I remember is the only one, involving this man, that's
stayed with me constantly throughout the years. My brother (who
is 1 1/2 years older than me) and I were at his house and the TV set
was on. I don't know if my brother had clothes on, but I definitely
remember that I didn't, and the man didn't. I was standing by the TV
and my brother was in front of the TV, sitting on the floor. The man was
sitting on the couch, sort of slouched down. The television show _The
Virginians_ came on, and either my brother or I, I don't remember which
one, asked him what a "Virginian" was. The man grabbed his penis,
started shaking it, and said, I remember this very clearly, "It's a
man without a dick." My brother and I just thought that was the
funniest thing and we both laughed. This memory has always been so
clear that, everytime I hear a reference made to that old TV show,
the scene in this man's living room comes back to me.

My God, I just now, as I was typing, remembered this...
I don't know if this happened that night or a different night, but
I remember him sitting naked on the couch, slouched down in the same
way as above and him slapping his leg and saying "come here." I ran
over to him and climbed up in his lap. He turned me to face the
TV so my legs were spread open and dangling on either side of his legs
and I was leaning back against his chest. I was naked. As we sat there
and watched TV he played with his penis and my vagina. As I'm sitting
here now I'm trying to think, but that's all that comes to me. I'm trying
to picture my brother in the room, but I don't see him, which makes me
think that it might have been another night.

My next memory is of the man lying down on the couch on his back.
Neither of us were wearing any clothes. I was sitting on top of him,
facing him, with my feet on either side of his chest. He was holding
my hands and we were playing "horsey." I was sliding up and down his
penis. My memory is that it was fun. I hated typing that, but it's what
I remember. This is another memory that came to me recently, though at a
different time as the "holding" scene above.

The next memory is the only one that's even slightly scary to me.
We were both naked. I was lying on my back on the couch and he was
above me. He was humping between my legs and at one point his penis
slipped and was on the verge of entering me. I remember intense
pressure on my vagina for a few seconds and I yelled. I'm sure he
stopped at that point, though I don't remember what happened next.
If he hadn't stopped, it would have affected my last memory, so
I'm sure he did. I remember it being very dark in the room.

My last memory is weird. This was during the day, and my mom was
calling me because she had to go somewhere. I don't know if I was
supposed to go with her or if she just wanted to say goodbye. I don't
remember being in or leaving the man's house, but I know I was walking
from his house to mine. Mom met me halfway and I know she asked me, as
she was walking toward me, "Where have you been? I have to go." I was
wearing a dress with a smock over it. It was one of those smocks that
kindergardners wear to protect their clothes while fingerpainting. I
loved that smock and I wore it all the time. It had pockets in the
front and I would put my hands in it, raise it up and slap it down
against my body. I don't know why, but I did it a lot. It was a habit
(I remember once a teacher telling me to stop it because it drove her
crazy,) just like sucking my thumb. I was doing that as I walked
toward my mother. My pockets were full of change and the change was
jingling. We reached each other and my mom crouched down to my level
and asked me where I got the money. A word is blank in my memory, but
I remember saying, in a perfectly natural voice, "??? gave it to me for
_____ his dick." I have no idea what it was that I was doing to his
"dick" but my mom got *extremely* angry. I was frightened because I
had never seen my mom angry before, and I thought she was angry at *me.*
I remember her grabbing my hand and yanking me, pulling me toward our
house. That's all that comes to me. I don't remember going into the
house or anything else after that.

I never saw the man again and I have no idea what happened to him.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't really know how to edit this to make it less graphic. I just
decided to leave it as I first wrote it. Of course, at the time I
didn't know the names of the body parts. (Except for "dick" because
it seems that was his favorite word.)


Thoughts from an adult point-of-view:

All of these flashes of memory take less time to remember than they
do to type. All of the memories are only a few seconds long, except
the last one, which is a bit longer.

Obviously this man was our babysitter, at least part of the time. I know
he didn't sit us all the time because a woman, who lived in a different
house, driving distance away, also watched us.

What strikes me most about these memories is that all this nudity and
sexual stuff seemed so *natural*. Which leads me to believe that it
had been going on a long time and that I was very comfortable with it.
So, though I don't know for sure, I tend to think that he'd probably
been sitting for us and doing things to me from the time I was either
a baby or a toddler and I guess I thought that that's what male
baby-sitters did. I don't know. I just know that, except for that one
near-penetration, I never felt uncomfortable. None of these memories
with him bring on any kind of scary or forbidding feelings.

I called the last memory weird because my mother's anger is the only
scary memory I have out of all of these.

My only questions involving Child are:

1) Exactly how long had he lived there and how long had he been
   molesting me before he got caught?

2) Did he molest my brother too? I have no memories involving him
   except the TV show.

3) What happened to him? Did my parents press charges and was there a
   trial? (I have no memories of anyone asking me questions other than
   that one my mom asked.) Did he go to jail or did my dad just make
   him move? Did my dad beat this guy up? (I don't know why I think
   that might be possible, but it always occurs to me.)

4) Did that have anything to do with us moving to the country?

The only way I'll ever find out the answers to these questions is if
I ask my dad and my brother and see if they remember the details.
I won't do that. None of us have ever mentioned this guy to each
other. Mom died 10 years ago. We never talked about it either.

5) Why does this story seem so cold and lifeless? They're just words
   on a screen. I have no feelings as I type. I think that I honestly
   think that this man didn't hurt me and I don't attach any real
   importance to the molestation.

I'll bet that I suffered more trauma during the aftermath than this
man caused me in all the time he was molesting me. My gut feeling is
that any havoc that swirled around me, plus never seeing this man
again and not getting to say goodbye, probably hurt and confused me
a lot at the time. I don't know.


My final thought is that I forgive this man. He was obviously sad and
sick, but he never hurt me, and my memories indicate that I liked him
very much. I hope that he got help and lived a decent life. What he
did was wrong, but I doubt that I'll ever feel any anger toward him.

Besides, I have enough other perps who *did* hurt me to be mad at.


I deleted Trees, because it's not important either. Just some gropy-
feely-humping in the trees with somebody, I don't know who. Not the
perp above though, probably just an older kid from the block. I'm
sure it was just some stupid experimentation thing. It only happened
once and the only feeling I remember is boredom and wanting to go
play on the swingset.

I almost didn't post this just *because* I don't think Child is
important. I decided to go ahead because I wanted to be consistant
and start from the beginning.

If anyone is still reading this far:

Am I the *only* person who was molested as a young child who doesn't
feel any anger or that it caused me problems? I feel weird, like I'm
*supposed* to have all kinds of traumas or something.



However, I would hate for a perp to read this and say "See, it doesn't
cause any problems" and use my story as an excuse. That thought does
scare me.

-vickie-

"I'll speak to you,
 but don't you look into my eyes.
 All my flesh will burn"  HTR



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for an automatically returned help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery