From: tooka@train.EBay.Sun.COM (Tony)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Help with Breakup (long)
Date: 26 Jan 1993 01:53:44 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Distribution: world
Reply-To: tooka@train.EBay.Sun.COM
NNTP-Posting-Host: train.ebay.sun.com

NOTE: The following letter refers to my gay relationship just in 
      case anyone may become confused or offended.

Hello everyone,

First of all, I'm a gay male, 28 years old who lost my relationship
a while back. Many of you (especially you fellow straight netters)
have dealt with the breakup problem earlier in your lives, in high school 
or college. Or if you have been divorced, maybe you might also see 
some of the same pain...

A few months ago I posted to the group. I was grieving the loss of
my relationship of four years. I was making a good recovery until now.

My relationship was not perfect but it was special to me. Unfortunately
we never saw counseling which may have helped and which makes me feel
to this day we did not try to sort out why we really broke up. He
has admitted he is not as happy or secure as when we were together but doesn't 
know what he wants and that he--at times--entertains getting back with me.
YET he gets upset when I--rather than HE-- bring up the subject of being
together again. Officially he wants to move on and I accept.

I separated from my boyfriend and even went on vacation for three weeks
which helped. I met a new circle of people who never fail to stay in 
touch with me. I stay occupied and don't entertain thoughts of the past
and it has helped. I'm healthier, I sleep well, I'm physically in top
condition. I don't drink or smoke. I run and weight train regularly.

Occasionally I still meet or talk with Terry for a couple hours to stay 
in touch and to keep what remains of our friendship alive. I was starting to 
feel a definite decrease in the sexual tension between us and a platonic
feel to our friendship. I was even much more objective in my views
toward him. I noticed he was needier than I thought, seemed chronically
uncertain about his plans in school, was always talking about quitting
his part-time job, and was always worried about money. He also seemed
rather cynical about men in general and yet liked to go to trendy
night clubs to be around cute guys. He also seems to get sick more often
with colds. He drinks and smokes more when with friends. I loathe the image
of them laughing and smoking because I'm jealous I can't be Terry's lover
but also because I feel they are contemptuous of my wish to stay smoke-
and alcohol-free. I was a "goody two shoes" to many of them, a clean-cut
(snobbish?) "party poop" if you will...But I'm happy to follow my own 
tastes. Many of his friends mistook my reserved, quietness for snobbish
aloofness. I regret the lack of understanding and see that maybe Terry
was despite our happy four years together not really my type and may have
even kept me from growing materially and socially . (I had the grades and
the energy to go on to law school right before I fell in love with him.)

I preempted my anger and hurt feelings about him by not calling him, planning activities with others, and was starting to find interest in other--completely 
different--guys. I have to admit--my obsession with Terry was largely
based on his physical beauty. Many people, male and female have remarked
about him and he gets alot of attention. I on the other hand am handsome
but reserved and very private. (I sometimes just wished I had a physically
pleasing, beautiful lover again just to get me over this obsession with
Terry.) 

Because the gay community can tend to get small especially
if you get to form many acquaintances, rumors about who happens to 
be dating Terry (my former lover) seem to be surfacing and I feel 
embarrassed and hurt after I've worked so hard to distance my
life and affairs from him. I moved out. I stopped calling. I started
anew. Now my lover's name is making itself felt in my heart when
others bring up his name. I am both angry and upset. I can't go to
my men's support group at the local gay community center because 
many know him and me already and he goes there regularly.
(although to a different subgroup of support groups)

I can't go out to clubs I prefer to because I know Terry or some friends of his 
often go there. I considered re-locating to get over him and complete my 
recovery but I am low on resources and tired of the moving. I feel quite
frankly I have had to change much of my own life to suit his terms. He
wanted the breakup and got it. He wanted to keep the apartment and he
got it. He kept the bed. He kept the bike to commute to class because I
have my own car. (Much of the expense of breaking up I took because I was
financially secure and did not want to be accused of making him pay out of
spite.)  He gets to frequent the same places without fearing he'll run
into me. We are "friends" on the terms he feels comfortable. He initiates
contact--not me. And you know what? Whenever he calls me, he seems to be
sick or cynical about something or pitiful toward me the "scorned
lover" with all the insecurities--never mind his incurable need to always
be out cruising other guys or needing to smoke pot or drink with friends
to even have fun.

Yesterday, he called (I assume because his new date happened to run in
to a friend of mine and confide in my friend that he was dating Terry
for already 3 weeks.) to "update" me on his well-being since he neglected to
do it before I found about this guy. Well, I avoided the matter since I
was emotionally weak and about to tell him to drop me from his life altogether
since he only calls me either out of obligation or need. I am not a sympathy case. Instead--I told him I had to leave immediately and went out to get my
mind off him and his new boyfriend. I wanted to remain good-tempered for the sake
of my own dignity. I don't feel good about still being in love with this guy but
I at least feel good that I did not lose my self-control in the end.

But I'm wearing thin and fast...

Quite frankly, for months I've struggled to accept that "all is fair in love and
and war" and try to be a good sport about his wish to be single again. 
But I feel I have given and sacrificed to make him and me happy and that this guy
has gotten what he asked for, is still no wiser or happier and yet wants somehow to keep me in his collection of friends and on terms I had no say in formulating. I know he loves me as a friend but I don't feel ready to talk to him or associate with him politely any longer now that he has finally found a new lover in his life. I feel
like the parent of a child who ignores his parent's wishes but still needs his
parents to be there ONLY on his own terms.

Yet I don't want to fall into the trap of acting like an immature, scorned,
vengeful person. (And I have done some foolish things to this effect but stopped)

But now I'm angry again. I feel he is quite simply only a taker and not a
giver and wish sometimes I had just found a way to punish him when I had the
opportunity. But it's getting late now. I'm sorry I let this letter become
so long and bitter but I had to vent and talk somehow or hurt silently.

Could someone out there help me with a thought or insight? What do you see in
my words or account which you can point out to me and help me overcome my
bitterness and anger? I've tried to be the mature, positive individual but
I feel I've accomodated someone who neither appreciates nor makes use of the
opportunities others create for him. I've given him the freedom he wanted
and now he complains even about aspects of his new life and still wants to hold on
to me as a friend.

But this new boyfriend only revived my hurt. He got the best of both worlds--
a new lover to entertain him and save him from his loneliness and emptiness and me the graceful ex-lover he can call up whenever he wants. He has not changed or become
a better person toward others but has only had others adapt to his needs. I am tired
of fulfilling his whims.

But now I just want to be free and I'm tired of being mature and understanding and all that good-natured hogwash which everyone (except those who capriciously want to end relationships) are supposed to be.

Is there no shelter or relief for the broken-hearted? Why had I bothered to stay faithful to the relationship when there were other beautiful, intelligent men all around with whom I had the opportunity to run off with? My Catholic upbringing
is so rooted in me I guess that I have trouble believing that love and loyalty
don't always have a place in this random world. Like Ecclesiastes says: "It's
all for nothing." "Vanity of Vanities." 

I feel like a noble loser but a loser nevertheless. I want to be a winner again
and I deserve a truly new life without reminders of terry and without me having to pay
to move, to find new friends or adapt my lifestyle to suit his whims. I've been 
a loyal dog without a master and I want to remain loyal not cynical.

I appreciate any kind of insight you have to offer.

Regards

-Tony

tooka@train.ebay.sun.com