From: v119qkv2@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (POE)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Help!  What should I do? (Very long)
Keywords: Please read
Date: 9 Oct 92 17:32:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Oct7.132405.23699@csd.uwe.ac.uk>, pa_ross@csd.uwe.ac.uk (Mr Rossy) writes...
>>	I'm interested in a girl.  She and I are good friends.  She has a boy-
>>friend.  He and I are friends.  Not "best" friends, but friends nonetheless.
> 
>Oh dear sounds like this is guy is going to play with fire for a while. If he
>is succesfull with this women he is going to lose a friend, if he is
>unsucesful then he might lose her as a friend.
> 
>>He and She have been going out for over a year.  However, they have been having
>>relationship problems for quite some time.  It seems they have a little spat at
>>least once a week.  Both have threatened to "breakup" many, many times, but yet
>>they're still together.
> 
>Another point comes to mind, if she does break up with him to go out with you
>then you may think everything will be sweet. It won't just because it's over
>doesn't mean that she will stop loving him instantly. You have to be prepared
>to be very patient and she will probably talk about him alot and still
>communicate frequently with him. One of the worst pains on Earth is to be in
>love with someone and hear them tell you how much they love there old partner.
>It's a hard situation but if you love her enough then you will get through it.
>Remember not to pressurise her to much otherwise she will be gone so fast you
>wont even see her move.

I don't expect her to get over him right away.  I wouldn't be suprised if she
never completely gets over him.  I see this coming, and I know it will be
hard for the both of us.  One thing I don't want to do is pressure her or
rush her into anything.  As long as it takes, it's fine by me.

> 
>>	Everyone following this, :-)?  OK, so with all their hangups, their 
>>still together.  When out at a bar or party, She tends to spend more time with
>>me, and He tends to ignore Her most of the time.  Whenever She and I are to-
>>gether, we have a great time.  Whenever, She and He are together, there is 
>>always trouble.
> 
>Don't confuse friendship with attraction, although if I had to bet money on it
>then I would say that she is interested in you.

I hope you're right.

>>  One thing they are always fighting about is His drinking 
>>habits.  It seems that He cannot go out without getting drunk.  She is also
>>concerned about Him getting involved in drugs.  I know for a fact that He has
>>been "experimenting" for about a month now.  She does not know this, and if
>>She did, She would not be happy (to say the least).
> 
>If that is the kind of guy he is then it is obvious that they are not right
>for each other, but breaking up after a year is not an easy thing to do. I
>do believe though that just because he takes drugs does not necessarly mean he
>is a bad person, it means he has different "hobbies" to her (Also depends on
>the substance I suppose)

This doesn't make him a "bad person" or anything like that.  And I'm not 
passing judgement on him either.  I'm just saying that this goes against her
wishes.  She is very afraid of him getting into something he (or she for that
matter) can't control.  She has begged and pleaded for him to "just say no",
but I'd say it isn't working.

>>	Also, all the "romance" seems to have drifted from their relationship.
>>They seem to be just going through the motions.  She has mentioned to me that
>>She really does not want to breakup with Him, no matter the reason, just 
>>because they have been going out for so long.  He seems to take her for granted.
> 
>Like I said, after such along time it is hard to quit and go out with someone
>else. They know each other very well and it is an uncomfortable thought having
>to get to know someone else. Ask her if she's going to stick with it, but tell
>her life goes on, and if she is unhappy she should do something about it. Easy
>to say but hard to do I know, but life is often uneasy
> 
>>They rarely go out alone together (one of the reasons I have been spending so
>>much time with her).  No flowers, no candy, no romantic walks, etc..  Many
>>nights I have taken Her home, while He stays out and parties with the boys.
> 
>Sounds unromantic, but why don't you make your move and come out and say it?

Afraid I'll make matters worse?  Afraid I might lose her as a friend?

>>	Still following, :-)?  OK, now Her relationship with me.  Over the
>>past few months, we have gotten really close.  Whether or not this is a direct
>>result of their problems, I do not know.  The time we spend together is mostly
>>done at bars and parties, but when at a bar/party, we usually spend the entire
>>evening together.  We go out or talk on the phone together at least twice a 
>>week.  These conversations usually center around Her problems with Him.  Also,
>>She has stated (perhaps in anger or jest, but nonetheless) that She hates all
>>men with the exception of me.
> 
>Looks good to me, go-on make your move, next time ask her out to dinner.

Dinner's good.  But I'd need a reason and reassurance that he wouldn't tag 
along.

>>	There is also the matter of the other people involved in this mess.  He
>>is well-liked by Her family.  She is well-liked by His family.  I'm well-liked
>>by Her family.  The three of us, for the most part, have the same friends.
>>So, if I were to "make a play", things could get really messy.
> 
>Could do, but sounds like your emotions are pretty messy the way things are, if
>anything coming clean will clear the air. Things will either go well and you
>will be happy or badly, in which case you can try to forget her.

Sooner or later, I'll have to "come clean and clear the air".  I guess I'm
just waiting for the right moment (if there is such a thing).

>>	Damn, this is getting long.  Anyway, to give you some more to think
>>about (that is if you are still reading this), to compare His and my "looks",
>>I'd have to say that he is better lookin on the simple principle that She is
>>with Him and not me.  I'm not even going to try to figure out what a woman
>>finds attractive in a guy.
> 
>In my personal experience, looks are alot less important to a women than to a
>man. I have found (And ladies correct me if I am wrong) that women generally
>go for men that are witty, humerous and fun to be with. After all doesn't 
>matter how good looking you are, if you can't string to words togethor it is
>hardly worth making a go of it, is it ?
> 
Wow!  If that's the case, I must be stud-muffin #1 :-) . 

>  However, for the record, I'm not some freak-of-
>>nature.  I guess you could say I'm an ordinary average guy.  She, on the other
>>hand, is drop-dead beautiful.  This is not just my opinion.  My friends and
>>total strangers have all confirmed this to be fact.  Also, She's 18.  I'm 21.
>>He's 19.  The age difference may be a hangup for Her.
> 
>Doubt it. I have also noticed women go for men older than themselves and have
>done since time began, she will probably find it flattering that someone 3
>years her senior is interested in her.
>
I guess we'll never know until I ask :-).

>>	Now this is where you come in.  What do I do?  Should I forget about 
>>Her and go on with my life?  Should I just convince Her to call it off, and
>>then wait and see if something develops between us?  Should I let nature take
>>it's course, and see if they break up on their own?  Should I throw all my 
>>cards out on table, tell Her how I feel about Her and tell Her she would be
>>better off with me than Him?
> 
>Please do the latter, clear the air it be for the best for both of you. Let us
>know what happens.
> 
>						 Paul
>						=----=
	Thanx for your comments.  Like you said, sooner or later, I'll have to
clear the air.  I'm just waiting for the right moment.  Who knows, perhaps this
weekend :-).
					Mike Poe