From: Cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  3.M
Date: 16 Oct 92 04:09:17 GMT
Article-I.D.: Xerox."15-Oct-92.21:09:17.PDT".*.Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North
Reply-To: Cate3.OSBU_North@xerox.com





It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman


It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
		-- Bertrand Russell


It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.


It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
		-- Alan Perlis


It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.


It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
		   Galaxy"


It is a poor workman who blames his tools.


It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling


It is easier to run down a hill than up one.


It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.


It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"


It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.


It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.


It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.


It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen


It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay


It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?


It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.


It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
		-- Hawkwind


It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.


It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.


It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.


It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply 
to serve as a warning to others.


...I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
		-- Winston Churchill


I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
		-- Woody Allen


It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too,
to check up once and a while and make sure you haven't lost the things that
money can't buy.
				--- George Horace Lorimer


It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.


It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.


It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
		-- Walt Disney


It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.


It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.


It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston


It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
		-- Alexander Korda


It's not that I'm afraid to die,
I just don't want to be there when it happens.	-- Woody Allen.


It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
		-- Sydney J. Harris


It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.


It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.


It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
		-- Franklin P. Jones


It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 


It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks
never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"


It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.


It works better if you plug it in.


It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss


I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.


I've found thats it's not good to talk about your troubles.  Eighty 
percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty 
percent are glad your having trouble.
					--- Tommy LaSorda


I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.


I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
		-- Groucho Marx


I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- 
sometimes on the same day.


Ivensky:  "My grandfather was a pole." Woddy:  "North or South?"


I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
		-- Will Rogers


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
					-- Mark Twain 


I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay


I wish they all could be California girls.


I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx


Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".
Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.


Join the march to save individuality!


Jones's First Law:
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
	importance of their original contribution.


Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85


Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach


Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.


Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.


Katz' Law:
	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
	possibilities have been exhausted.


Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.


Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.


Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
							--- B. L. Whorf


Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police record.  
I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.    Cops have no sense of humor.


Laws of Serendipity:
	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
	    something.
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
	    be engaged in making an inferior one.


Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.


Learn from the mistakes of others.  You don't have time
to make them all yourself.


Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless
the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in
30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."


Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.


Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever
see each other again.


Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
	anyone, ever.


Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick


Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.


Life is like an analogy
Life is like a simile.


Life is too important to take seriously.
		-- Corky Siegel


Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.


Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.


Live free or die.


Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.


Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
before.


Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."


Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too.
				-- Dave Barry


Lockwood's Long Shot:
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
	one in a million, but once would be enough.


Lonely is one without love.


Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.


Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.


Loop: a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.


Loose bits sink chips.


Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
			--- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; 
a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
						-Goethe

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal


Luck: when preparation and opportunity meet. -Pierre Trudeau


Lunatic Asylum, n.:
	The place where optimism most flourishes.


Maier's Law:
	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed	of.
Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.


Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
	program.


Make new friends but keep the old ones;  
one is silver and the other's gold.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun


Manual, n.:
	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
	given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
	information you need in in the others.
		-- Ray Simard


Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will
pick himself up and continue.


Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist


Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
	simple yes or no answer.


Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt


Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer


Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?


Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.


Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
	and a virgin in the whole organization."


May you have an interesting life.  - chinese curse.


May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.


May your spouse always know when you need a hug.


Measure twice, cut once.


Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.


Mediocrity finds saftey in standardization.
				--- Frederick Crane


Meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.


MegaHertz: a VERY large car rental company


Men do not stumble over mountains, but over molehills.
Confucious


Mete out justice with mercy.


Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.


Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of
Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 


Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate."
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"


Miller's Corollary:
	Objects are lost because people look where they aren't
	instead of where they are.


Millihelen, adj:
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.


Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.


Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.


Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.


Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker


Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
	they are in the market.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Modesty:  
the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.


Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him how
he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.  The
great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.


Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
	it wasn't worth doing.


Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money may buy love but money cannot buy friendship.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.


Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
	population is growing.


Murphy's Law: Any thing that can go wrong, will.
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Murphy's Law of Research:  Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's saving grace:  The worst is the enemy of the bad.
Murphy's Second Law:  Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Seventh Law:  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy was an optimist.


My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas


My friend, why have you drifted so far away?
All motion is relative,  maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still.


My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.


My interest is in the future,
 because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.


My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
		-- Groucho Marx


My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,
like a bank note, for two twenties.