From: cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton)
Subject: Re: girl no longer pursued by lesbians
Organization: Inst. for Epistemological Pathology
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 12:26:14 GMT

JANE HORVATH (jjh4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu) wrote:

:     i bought a t-shirt that says
:     'a hard man is good to find'
:     now they leave me alone.

:     -jane

:     well, the lesbians leave me alone at least.

Jane, I felt sure that someone would give you good advice in time (well,
besides the eminently sound advice of Mr. X) but it appears that you are
acting rashly!  It's true that if you wear this shirt 7 days a week you will
likely be free from the unwanted attention of lesbians, but you will be
faced with other social problems.  (Your best friends won't tell you.)  At
least buy some t-shirts in different colors. 

Let's review some of the basic strategies:

 ====================================================

1.  "I couldn't help noticing that you are coming on to me, from the way
that you are [gazing meaningfully into my eyes|leaning over me|rubbing my
breasts].  This is _very_ flattering, but I'm straight."

Optional addendum: "But we can still be friends and hang out and do drugs
together.  Got any dope?"

Advantages: Straight forward.  May get you stoned for free.  May get you
invited to interesting parties.

Disadvantages: The ones you actually want for friends may think
you're just using them, and vice versa.  Boring.  

 ====================================================

2.  Lock eyes with female in question and hold eye contact, maintaining a
detached neutral expression.  Once eye lock has been held 15 seconds, shake
head slowly.

Advantages: No embarassingly blunt statements required.  People will think
you are very cool and socially adept with body language.

Disadvantages: The dumber ones won't get it.  (But you can then tell them
off without compunction.)

 ====================================================

3.  "I feel I know you so well, I can share something with you.  I have the
body of a man, though I've felt like a woman all my life.  I got the breast
implants and I've been taking the hormone therapy, but I haven't been able
to nerve myself up for the big operation yet.  You don't mind my sharing
this?"  (continue ad lib.)

Advantages: Fun.
Disadvantages: One of them may be more adventurous than you thought.  Also,
it will be all over the grapevine inside of 4 hours.

 ====================================================

4.  "Gee, I think you're sort of cute, but I'm under my Master's orders.  My
Master won't let me sleep with women except on his direct instruction."  Be
prepared to start embellishing as to details of your relationship with your
Master.  (It would help to have nipple rings.)

Advantages: Fun.
Disadvantages: See above.

 ====================================================

5.  Feign psychosis.

Advantages: Fun.
Disadvantages: See above.

 ====================================================

6.  Get a sex change.

Advantages: Settles problem of being hit on by lesbians once and for all.
Disadvantages: A lot of work for little return.  In addition, you will have
to start going after a completely different set of men than you're used to.

 ====================================================

7.  "Thanks, but no thanks."  Had you thought of just taking it as a
compliment?

  -- Clifton

--
cliftonr@netcom.com     Home: +1 808 521 9073  Work: +1 808 625 3234
Clifton Royston, Pope of the Church of the Subgenius in Paradise
- Dissecting personal psychopathology at the edge of the 20th century -