From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Bob's Collection of Elephant Jokes
Date: 11 Jan 1993 23:42:49 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: gibdo.engr.washington.edu

  Someone was asking about elephant jokes and I haven't posted this 
  in a while.  I am *not* the Official Usenet Elephant Joke Person.
  I think someone else is planning to be that.

                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                         Humor: Elephants (192)
                              May 5, 1992
                     bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  [1]
  Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
  A: Sir.
  ==
  
  [2]
  Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
  A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
  ==
  
  [3]
  Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
  A: To try to forget.
  ==
  
  [4]
  Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, 
     grey, yellow, grey, yellow? 
  A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
  ==
  
  [5]
  Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
  A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
  ==

  [6]
  Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl.
  A: Because they were wet.
  ==
  
  [7]
  Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
  A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
  ==
  
  [8]
  Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
  A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
  ==
  
  [9]
  Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
  A: An inside out elephant.
  ==
  
  [10]
  Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
  A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
  ==
  
  [11]
  Q: What is grey and not there.
  A: No elephants.
  ==
  
  [12]
  Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
  A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
  ==
  
  [13]
  Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
  A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
     and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
  ==
  
  [14]
  Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
  A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
     and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
  ==
  
  [15]
  Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
  A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
  ==
  
  [16]
  Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
  A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
  ==
  
  [17]
  Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
  A: He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.
  ==
  
  [18]
  Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
  A: A giraffe eating cherries.
  ==
  
  [19]
  Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
  A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
  ==
  
  [20]
  Q: How did Tarzan die?
  A: Yup, picking cherries.
  ==
  
  [21]
  Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
  A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
  ==
  
  [22]
  Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
  A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it. 
  ==
  
  [23]
  Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
  A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
  ==
  
  [24]
  Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
  A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
  ==

  [25]
  Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
  A: From jumping out of cherry trees -- they're impatient.
  ==  

  [26]
  Q: Why do elephants wear sneakers?
  A: To quiet their landing when they jump out of the trees.
  ==

  [27]
  Q: Why is it dangerous to go in  the jungle between two and four 
     in the afternoon.
  A: That's when the elephants are jumping out of trees.
  ==

  [28]
  Q: Why are pygmies so small?
  A: They went in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.
  ==

  [29]
  Q: Why is there a 9 o'clock curfew in the jungle?
  A: So the elephants can practice jumping out of trees.
  ==

  [30]
  Q: Why do crocodiles have flat noses?
  A: They didn't stick to the crufew.
  ==

  [31]
  Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
  A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
  ==
  
  [32]
  Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
  A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
  ==
  
  [33]
  Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
  A:  Because it was dead.
  ==
  
  [34]
  Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
  A: It was glued to the first one.
  ==
  
  [35]
  Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
  A: It thought it was a game.
  ==
  
  [36]
  Q: And why did the tree fall down?
  A: It thought it was an elephant.
  ==
  
  [37]
  Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
  A: An elephant's foreskin.
  ==
  
  [38]
  Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
  A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
  ==
  
  [39]
  Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
  A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
  ==
  
  [40]
  Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
  A: Chicken's day off.
  ==
  
  [41]
  Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
  A: About 5 m.p.h.
  ==
  
  [42]
  Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
  A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
  ==
  
  [43]
  Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
  A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
  ==
  
  [44]
  Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
  A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
  ==
  
  [45]
  Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
  A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
     the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
  ==
  
  [46]
  Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a VW bug?
  A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
  ==
  
  [47]
  Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
  A: Footprints in the butter.
  ==
  
  [48]
  Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
  A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
  ==
  
  [49]
  Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
  A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
  ==
  
  [50]
  Q: How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
  A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
  ==

  [51]
  Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your VW bug?
  A: There's a fridge strapped to the roof.
  ==

  [52]
  Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in a tree?
  A: There's a VW parked at the bottom and a fridge hanging from 
     the branches.
  ==
  
  [53]
  Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
  A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
     A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
  ==
  
  [54]
  Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
  A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
  ==
  
  [55]
  Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
  A: you can hear tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
  ==
  
  [56]
  Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
  A: You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!
  ==
  
  [57]
  Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
  A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
  ==
  
  [58]
  Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
  A: Depends on the number of elephants.
  ==
  
  [59]
  Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
  A: The sun roof.
  ==
  
  [60]
  Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
     of them showed up except the elephants.  Why?
  A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
  ==
  
  [61]
  Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
  A: None, the elephants are in there!
  ==
  
  [62]
  Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
  A: Optimistic!
  ==
  
  [63]
  Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
  A: Free Parking.
  ==
  
  [64]
  Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
  A: Sole use of the elevator.
  ==
  
  [65]
  Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
  A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
  ==
  
  [66]
  Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
  A: It's bike is outside.
  ==
  
  [67]
  Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
  A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
  ==
  
  [68]
  Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
  A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
  
  [69]
  Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
  A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
  ==
  
  [70]
  Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
  ==
  
  [71]
  Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
  A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
  ==
  
  [72]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
  A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
  ==
  
  [73]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
  A: Elephino.
  ==
  
  [74]
  Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
  A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
  ==
  
  [75]
  Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
  A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
  ==
  
  [76]
  Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
  A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
  ==
  
  [77]
  Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
  A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
     'F' out of the way.
  ==
  
  [78]
  Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
  A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
  ==
  
  [79]
  Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
  A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
  ==
  
  [80]
  Q: What did Jane say?
  A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
  ==
  
  [81]
  Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
     over the hill?
  A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
  ==
  
  [82]
  Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
  A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
     tons of bananas,.....
  ==
  
  [83]
  Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
  A: To stamp out forest fires.
  ==
  
  [84]
  Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
  A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
  ==

  [85]
  Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
  A: To spit on burning elephants.
  ==
  
  [86]
  Q: What is a furry alligator?
  A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
  ==
  
  [87]
  Q: Why are pygmies so short?
  A: They cant tell time.
  ==
  
  [88]
  Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
  A: Watchless natives.
  ==
  
  [89]
  Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
  A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
  ==
  
  [90]
  Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
  A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
  ==
  
  [91]
  Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
  A: No?  Well, it must work.
  ==
  
  [92]
  Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
     wearing pink sweatshirts?
  A: They're all on the same team.
  ==
  
  [93]
  Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
  A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
  A: There are peanut shells under the pillow.
  ==
  
  [94]
  Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
  A: Because they might let down their trunks.
  ==

  [95]
  Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming?
  A: They only have one pair of trunks between them.
  ==

  [96]
  Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
  A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
  ==
  
  [97]
  Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
  A: Sheep.
  ==
  
  [98]
  Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
  A: Snakes.
  ==
  
  [99]
  Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
  A: Epileptic pigmies.
  ==
  
  [100]
  Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
  A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
  ==
  
  [101]
  Q: How do you know if your elephant is on the rag?
  A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
  ==
  
  [102]
  Q: What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?
  A: Elephant snot.
  ==
  
  [103]
  Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
  A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
  ==
  
  [104]
  Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
  A: A pachydermatoligist.
  ==
  
  [105]
  Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
  A: Take away his credit card.
  ==
  
  [106]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a blonde?
  A: A two-ton pickup.
  ==
  
  [107]
  Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
  A: "Can I be on top this time?"
  ==
  
  [108]
  Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
  A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
  A: Cute, but can you eat peanuts through it?
  ==
  
  [109]
  Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
  A: Because they don't have glove compartments.
  ==
  
  [110]
  Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
  A: Wipe it off!
  ==
  
  [111]
  Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
  A: None of the offspring survived.
  ==
  
  [112]
  Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
     down in tall grass?
  A: VERY attractive.
  ==
  
  [113]
  Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
  A: Garbage bags.
  ==

  [114]
  Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
  A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
  ==
  
  [115]
  Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
  A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
  ==
  
  [116]
  Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
  A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
  ==
  
  [117]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
  A: Cos(Theta)       Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
  ==
  
  [118]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
  A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
  ==
  
  [119]
  Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
  A: Lots of room.
  ==
  
  [120]
  Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
  A: An elephant.
  ==
  
  [121]
  Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
  A: Swim for your life!!
  A: Catch a garbage bag, inflate and use as a floatation device.
  ==
  
  [122]
  Q: Howdo you catch an elephant?
  A: Dig a deep hole, fill it with ashes and line the outside of
     it with peas.  When an elephant comes to take a pea kick him
     in the ash hole.
  ==
  
  [123]
  ELETELEPHONY
  
  once there was an elephant
  who tried to be a telephant;
  no no, I mean an elephone
  who tried to be a telephone.
  (Dear me I am not certain quite
  that even now i've got it right)
  how e'r it was he got his trunk
  entangled in the telephunk
  the more he tried to get it free,
  the louder buzzed the telephee.
  (i fear i'd better quit this song
  of elehop and telephong.)
  ==

  [124]
  Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air?
  So they can trip birds.
  ==

  [125]
  Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
  A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
  ==

  [126]
  Q: Why don't elephants drink Martinis?
  A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose.
  ==

  [127]
  Q: How do you run over an elephant?
  A: Climb up its tail, dash to its head and slide down its trunk.
  ==

  [128]
  Q: What do you call a 6 ton elephant walking down the street?
  A: Sir.
  ==

  [129]
  Q: What do you call an elephant on a bus?
  A: A passenger.
  ==

  [130]
  Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey?
  A: So you can tell them from bluebirds.
  ==

  [131]
  Q: What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?
  A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe.
  ==

  [132]
  Q: Why does an elephant have a trunk?
  A: Because he doesn't have a glove compartment. (weeeek)
  ==

  [133]
  Q: Why do elephants where sandles?
  A: So that they do not sink into the sand.
  ==

  [134]
  Q: Why do ostriches walk around with their heads in the sand?
  A: Looking for elephants who didn't wear sandles.
  ==

  [135]
  Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles?
  A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bells.
  ==

  [136]
  Q: Why did the elephant wear his blue tennis shoes?
  A: The pink ones were dirty.
  ==

  [137]
  Q: Why did the elephant float down the river on his back?
  A: He didn't want to get his takkies (tennis shoes) wet.
  ==

  [138]
  Q: How do you make an elephant float?
  A: Take two scoops of ice cream, coca cola and one elephant.
  ==

  [139]
  Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
  A: Take the matches out.
  ==

  [140]
  Q: How do you get an elephant into a telephone booth?
  A: Open the door.
  ==

  [141]
  Q: What sport do elephants play in a VW bug?
  A: Squash.
  ==

  [142]
  Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl.
  A: Because they were wet.
  ==

  [143]
  Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats?
  A: Who says they don't like blue lace petticoats?
  ==

  [144]
  Q:  What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
  A: Don't know.
     (Well, I am never giving you a letter to mail.)
  ==

  [145]
  Q: Why don't elephants make good policemen?
  A: They can't hide behind billboards
  A: They don't look good in blue
  ==

  [146]
  Q: How can you tell that there's an elephant in the elevator with you?
  A: By the peanuts on his breath.
  ==

  [147]
  Q: What is grey and lights up?
  A: An electric elephant.
  ==

  [148]
  Q: What is grey, has big ears and a trunk?
  A: A mouse going on holiday.
  ==

  [149]
  Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in
     sunglasses coming down the path ?
  A: Voila les elephants.
  ==

  [150]
  Q: What did the elephants say when they saw General de Gaulle coming
     down the path?
  A: Nothing.  Elephants can't speak.
  ==

  [151]
  Q: And why do elephants have tusks?
  A: Because sheep don't have strings!
  ==

  [152]
  Q: How do you fit an elephant in a matchbox?
  A: Take out the matches.
  ==

  [153]
  Q: How do you fit a rhino in a matchbox?
  A: Take out the elephant?
  ==

  [154]
  Q: How do you fit a hippo in a matchbox?
  A: Don't be stupid - have you seen how big a hippo is?
  ==

  [155]
  Q: What did Hannibal say to his men as they were about to get on
     their elephants?
  A: "Men get on your elephants!"
  ==

  [156]
  Q: What did Nelson say to his men as they were about to get into
     their ships?
  A: "Men get in your ships!"
  ==

  [157]
  Q: What did Rommel say to his men as they were about to get on 
     their elephants?
  A: "Where have your bloody tanks gone?"
  ==

  [158]
  Q: What do you get if you cross a homosexual dinosaur with an elephant?
  A: A Megasouras (mega sore ass).
  ==

  [159]
  Q: Why were the elephants on strike?
  A: They were tired of working for peanuts at the factory.
  ==

  [160]
  Q: What's grey and clear?
  A: An elephant in a ziplock baggy.
  ==

  [161]
  Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Hamster?
  A: One *dead* Hamster. 
  A: A dead hamster with an 18-inch asshole.
  ==

  [162]
  The Elephant, or so it seems,
  Very rarely has wet dreams,
  But when he does, He comes in streams,
  Revelling in the joys of fornication.
  ==

  [163]
  A lady while dining at Crewe,
  Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
  Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
  Or the others will all want one too!!"
  ==

  [164]
  There was an old man in france who used to get up every morning
  at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
  the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads,
  he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked
  "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in france!" to 
  which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"
  ==

  [165]
  Q: What's white and wears yellow and black checked trousers?
  A: Rupert the Fridge.
  ==

  [166]
  Q: Why do elephants wear yellow and black stripped trousers?
  A: So they don't get mistaken for Rupert the Fridge.
  ==

  [167]
  Q: How do you know when fridges have been making love in your kitchen?
  A: There's a pile of yellow and black check trousers in the hallway
  ==

  [168]
  Q: How do you know when cheery trees have been making love in your kitchen? 
  A: There are piles of elephants, fridges, VWs and yellow and black
     checked trousers left carelessly on the hall floor.
  ==

  [169]
  Q: What do you do when a glacier of fridges appears over the hill?
  A: Get the elephants and yourself inside them because you're about to 
     be run over by a load of VWs.
  ==

  [170]
  Q: What do you do when you see a division of VWs appear over the hill?
  A: Hide in the cherry tree because Rommel will be along with his tanks
     any minute.
  ==

  [171]
  Q: What's the difference between a fridge?
  A: One of the elephants are both in the VW.
  ==

  [172]
  Q: What has Two grey legs and two brown legs?
  A: An elephant with diarrhea
  ==

  [173]
  It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided
  to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.  The game was going well with
  the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained
  posession.
  
  The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal
  when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant
  trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
  
  The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
  Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
  
  The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just
  trying to trip him up."
  ==
  
  [174]
  There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
  why.  Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it.  He'd never seen an elephant
  jump with all 4 feet off the ground.  So he started a contest: entry was
  $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet
  off the ground would get $50,000. 
  
  All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. 
  Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine.  He's carrying a
  baseball bat.  He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches
  the elephants balls pretty badly.  Needless to say, the elephant jumps,
  and the owner pays out the $50,000. 
  
  Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,
  so he ran another contest.  He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
  back and forth as if to say, "no."  Same deal as before: $10 per entry,
  $50,000 prize.  Lots of people try and fail.
  
  Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,
  and walks up to the elephant.  He says, "Remember me?"  
  
  The elephant nods yes.
  
  The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
  
  The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.... 
  ==
  
  [175]
  Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere.  Not
  too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good
  gimmick to get people to come.  It so happened he was watching T.V. at
  the time and the parade for the circus was on.  As the elephants went
  by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.
  
  He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant.  It
  just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus
  was planning to retire.  After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
  elephant.
  
  Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading:
  "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
  
  Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and
  soon the jar was almost full.
  
  Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you
  will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
  
  "Yeah, he's out back"
  
  After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could
  be heard coming from behind the bar.  Every one in the bar raced back
  to see what was going on.  When they got there the elephant was
  LAUGHING!!!  The man could not believe his eyes.  But, a bet was a
  bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant
  laugh.
  
  A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing.  The bar owner
  could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:
  
  "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
  
  Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the
  elephant to stop laughing.  Finally the man who had gotten the
  elephant to laugh in the first place walked in.  Upon seeing
  the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
  elephant from laughing.  Seeings as no one had, he once more went
  back behind the bar to see the elephant.
  
  In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar.  All
  the patrons ran out to see what was up.  The elephant had huge tears
  running down its cheeks.  Once again a bet was a bet and the bar
  owner paid the man.  Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked
  how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
  
  "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick
  was bigger than his.  And now I just proved it."
  ==
  
  [176]
  A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this particular
  procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
  
  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the
  table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
  
  Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
  disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
  believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
  
  With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
  but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
  ==
  
  [177]
  An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
  She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by.  So the elephant says,
  "Help me, help me."
  
  But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
  wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
  So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
  
  Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the
  whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the
  tree on top of the elephant.
  
  Says the elephant: "Ouch!"
  
  Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"
  ==
  
  [178]
  One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
  of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below.  When she landed,
  she say this yellow frog.  Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he
  was crying.
  
  "Sniff.  None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
  Boo hoo."
  
  "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
  wand, the frog turned green.  All happy now, the frog was checking himself
  over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow.  He asked an embarrassed
  witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
  couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.  So
  happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
  
  Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies,
  and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.
  So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.  The witch
  asked him why he was crying.
  
  "Sniff.  None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
  games.  Boo hoo."
  
  Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic 
  looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking,
  and that is just how the witch felt.  So once again, she waved her magic
  wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
  
  All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed
  that his penis was still pink.  He asked an embarrassed witch about this,
  and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but
  if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
  
  At this point, the elephant just started wailing.  "I don't know where the
  wizard is", he sobbed.
  
  "Oh that's easy.  Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
  ==
  
  [179]
                  PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
                          by Peter C. Olsen
                  A bold new proposal for matching 
               high-technology people and professions

      Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the 
      right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and 
      millions of dollars in funding.  This is particularly true for 
      high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and 
      expensive.  Recently, however, years of detailed study by the 
      finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel 
      optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and 
      foolproof test to determine the best match between personality 
      and profession.  Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned 
      to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

      The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt 
      elephants.  The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then 
      categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined 
      below.  The subject should be assigned to the general job 
      classification that best matches the observed behavior.

      CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
      Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out 
      everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever 
      is left.  Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the 
      existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to 
      step 1 as a subordinate exercise.  Professors of mathematics 
      will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
      leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an 
      exercise for their graduate students.

      Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
      1. Go to Africa.
      2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
      3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent 
         alternately east and west.
      4. During each traverse pass,
         a. Catch each animal seen.
         b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
         c. Stop when a match is detected.

      Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a 
      known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will 
      terminate.  Assembly language programmers prefer to execute 
      Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

      Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray 
      animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs 
      within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed 
      elephant.

      Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if 
      elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

      Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
      an elephant. 

      Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted 
      anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise 
      those people who do.  Operations research consultants can also 
      measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the 
      efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will 
      only identify the elephants.

      Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the 
      elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

      Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around 
      arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will 
      claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of 
      one dropping.

      Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
      hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
      it.  When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
      staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
      completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.  If the
      vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will 
      (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge 
      itself to prevent any recurrence.

      Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the 
      assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with 
      deeper voices.
      Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for 
      mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

      Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling 
      elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the 
      season opens.  Software sales people ship the first thing they 
      catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.  Hardware 
      sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as 
      desktop elephants.

      VALIDATION
      A validation survey was conducted about these rules.  Almost all 
      the people surveyed about these rules were valid.  A few were 
      invalid, but they expected to recover soon.  Based on the survey, 
      a statistical confidence level was determined.  Ninety-five 
      percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent 
      confidence in statistics.

      ACKNOWLEDGMENT
      This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of 
      many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by 
      name.
  ==

  [180]
                     How to Catch a White Elephant
                     =============================
                   Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
                          <C838216 AT NEUVM1>

  Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
  muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
  drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
  be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
  muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
  
  After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
  (with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
  without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
  out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.
  
  And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
  ==
  
  [181]
  Three scientists were one day discusing what would happen if they rammed a 
  cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.  But because the
  experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they
  decided to have a go.  A week after the experiment had started they began to 
  relise WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to 
  pull the cork out.  
  
  One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to
  do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once
  a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.  The big day arrived,
  they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
  
  The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the
  third went 3 miles.  When they were all ready the first scientist pushed
  the button to sound the buzzer.
  
  BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!! 
  
  The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second
  (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to 
  his waist.  When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they
  noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
  
  "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

  "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
  ==
  
  [182]
  This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
  And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The 
  elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
  so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
  of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
  in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to 
  save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.
  
  The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws
  a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself
  and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant
  is saved (loud applause). 
  
  So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that 
  he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be
  in mortal danger).
  
  As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
  the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
  and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
  The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the 
  elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
  small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
  elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
  As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
  Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
  out to safety.
  
  Moral of the story:
  "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."
  ==
  
  [183]
  Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
  and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the 
  elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
  and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
  His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
  "No, at the other end."
  "That son is the tail."
  "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
  A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
  The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
  with her answer asks his father the same question.
  "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
  "That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
  "No at the other end."
  "Oh, that is the tail."
  "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
  "That is the elephants penis.  Why do you ask son?"
  "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
  Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
  ==
  
  [184]
  Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
  
  The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                   or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
  The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
  The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                       culture
                   or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
  The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
  The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
  The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
  The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
  The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
  The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
  The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                       With His Elephants
  The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
  The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
  ==

  [185]
  The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
  on elephants.
  
  The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the 
      British Empire."
  
  The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
      Account."
  
  The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
      Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
  
  The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
      Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
  
  Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
      People"
  
  The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
      the Soviet Elephant"
  
  And <fill-in random Eastern European Country> submited a poem "The Joy and
      Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
  
  But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
      wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead" 
  ==  

  [186]
  Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set
  out to conquer the known world.  After a series of
  successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that
  their lone efforts would never prevail.  They had to band
  together under the leadership of the best general they had -
  "George-the-Turk".
  
  George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King
  John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public
  display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the
  world.
  
  While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting
  out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design
  and build the largest rack here-to-fore made.  The rack was
  then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it.
  When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle.
  
  Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils
  of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the
  Turk's army.  George the Turk knew that his army must attack
  quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense.  But,
  alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not
  keep up with the troops.  George the Turk ordered more
  horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged.  George the
  Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the
  mountains with a herd of elephants.  Elephants would be
  better than horses for pulling the rack.  So, George the
  Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough
  elephants for the job.  Hannibul agreed and also sent along
  his best elephant handler.
  
  This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his
  unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that
  he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay
  raise.  George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay
  raise.
  
  The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant
  engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army.
  
  Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river.
  George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of
  escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his
  command.  He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the
  highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp.  This site
  was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John -
  to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to
  conquer the world.
  
  With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the
  hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to
  attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!!
  
  All is quiet.  The enemy camp is asleep.  Every man is
  waiting for the signal.  The first ray of sunlight strikes
  the helmet of George the Turk.  He draws his sword slowly
  and holds it over his head.  The sunlight gleams off the
  blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the
  rack.  They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant
  engineer can't control then.  He drops the reins and clings
  onto the rack for dear life.  The rack breaks loose from the
  team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the
  enemy camp.
  
  All this noise wakes bad King John.  He orders an aide to go
  outside the tent to see what is the cause.  The aide takes a
  hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:
  
  "As near as I can tell --

     It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an
     elephant engineer" !!!
  ==
  
  [187]
  Hickory Dickory Dock,
  An elephant ran up the clock,
  The clock is being repaired.
  ==

  [188]
  Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft?
  A: A-flat minor.
  ==

  [189]
  Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp?
  A: A-flat major.
  ==

  [190]
  An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications.
  ==

  [191]
  A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
  marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
  ==
  
  [192]
  Two elephants - Harry & Faye
  Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
  So they boarded a plane
  They're now kissing in Maine
  Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
  ==

  Bob (bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu)           Seattle, Washington

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