From: patrick@is.rice.edu (Patrick L Humphrey)
Subject: Re: Krispy Kritters (was:Re: The Politics of USENET)
Summary: Where's Adam when you need him?
Organization: 109 Mudd Lab -- the few, the proud, the certifiably insane.
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 10:46:51 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.085214.28844@rice.edu> andsol@is.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg) writes:
>I just can't take it any more.

Quit eating lunch at Sammy's, then.  Give life a chance. :-)

>Recently I vowed never again to waste any time flaming pathetic losers.  It's
>actually very easy to do, since the non-dweeb/dweeb ratio on this group is a
>rather small decimal.  I have NO idea why so many wankers insist on jizzing
>the contents of their febrile little crania straight into this newsgroup.
>No fucking idea at all.

That makes two of us -- but it's beside the point, anyway.  If nothing else,
they provide a means with which to kill a bit of time on the usual slow
summer nights back here in the machine room.

>However, for those of you who are alert AND injudicious in your killfile
>management, a cascade has sprung up that just makes my triggerfinger itch
>like a mother.  Again, I just can't take it any more.  Look out -- this is
>a long article but, God willing, I won't have to repeat myself.

God's on vacation for the summer, though I'm told he was seen down at Fred's
Italian Corner earlier this evening...

>Flame on.

If you must.  (Just don't go overboard and newgroup something like
rice.flame.  Cathy has enough of a .newsrc to ride herd on as it is. :)

>In article <98?1Hboyk8@atlantis.psu.edu>, bufalini@above.gis.psu.edu (Bruce A Bufalini) writes:
>|> In article <1992Jul20.054725.10508@rice.edu>, patrick@is.rice.edu (Patrick L Humphrey) writes:
>|> >[Wow.  We have attributions going back a week here.  Talk about the next
>|> >best thing to a cascade...PLH]
>
>     How exciting!  Is this gonna be good or what.....

At this hour of the day (okay, so it's y'all's night), my vote is for
"what?"...

[there goes another 30 lines or so, straight to /dev/null]

>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>>[150 lines of information, out the window]
>
>Thank you, God.  Thank you. Thank you.

Nah.  You have to go to 103 for that. :-)

>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>>
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>>Yo, Bruce.  Your five minutes is up.  If you want another 
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>>argument, pay me
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>>another pound, eh?
>
>'Argument'?  Is that standard homosexual argot for 'Double-Fisted Crevice
>   Servicing'?  Really, my boy, you MUST catch up with inflation....push
>   for eight bob and a high colonic.

Last time I looked, eight bob was 40% of a pound.  (A couple of million
guineas would work a lot better, of course, but I'm trying to keep this down
where Bruce can figure it out for himself *without* having someone have to
read it to him...)

>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>I don't have to pay you anything, butthead.  If you can't 
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>accept pure, valuable information, then perhaps you should 
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>consider terminating yourself immediately.  What a loser!  
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>You now require WHOOSHes.  Keep on guessing how
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>>they got posted....
>
>Ah -- the tryst continues.  'WHOOSH', I suspect, is slang for 'Declawing
>   a smallish ferret, putting him head-first into the Crack Of Doom, and
>   sewing it shut'.  What will these wacky lovebirds think of next?!

Gad.  Don't encourage him with references to Ken.  

>|> >>>>>>>>>>>
>|> >>>>>>>>>>>What WHOOSHes?  
>
>The WHOOSH made by my LoveProng as it glides, much like the graceful clipper-
>   ship, between the lobes of your cerebral cortex.

Man, it makes me glad I'm not on campus during the days in the summer...

>|> >>>>>>>>>>These ones, in addition to the ones you deleted:
>|> >>>>>>>>>>
>|> >>>>>>>>>>Bruce A. Bufalini
>
>More whooshing.  Patrick, if this nematode is working you by the hour, you
>   just GOTTA push for more cash.  And forget credit cards.

Maybe so, but it's not always easy getting blood out of a turnip.  (Bruce
could use an up close and personal encounter with Mr. Cuisinart,
regardless.)

>|> >>>>>>>>>What ones?  Man, but you gotta get some decent glasses...
>
>......obviously because Bruce has been engaging in his favorite pastime;
>    to wit, spanking off on the keyboard until the space bar no longer 
>    functions smoothly.

Talk about an entry in the Problem database -- I can see the one-line
summary:  "keyboards sticking from too much splooge"...:-)

>|> >>>>>>>>No, Bruce does not require glasses, for Bruce has 20/20 vision.  
>|> >>>>>>>>It appears that you still are unable to accept valuable information
>|> >>>>>>>>and that you are in need of termination.  If termination does not 
>|> >>>>>>>>occur within 24 hours, then expect a visit from the Department 
>|> >>>>>>>>of Information soon thereafter for assistance in termination of 
>|> >>>>>>>>yourself.
>
>"Who the FUCK are you?!"
>"I'm BRUCE BUFALINI -- NET.TERROR!!!"

Nah.  If he was delivering pizzas for Domino's -- *then* he'd be a terror.

>You are a fearsome fella, Bruce.  I just about wore out ANOTHER Depends (TM)
>   undergarmentjust THINKING about you maybe coming after MY hide.  Your 
>   'Department of Information' sounds pretty scary, too.  

So that's where those Depends were coming from in Ryon...

>Kiddo, it's just like Grandma always said:
>
>"Sonny, never watch _Dragnet_ after snorting paint thinner."

Don't knock it too quickly.  Snorting paint thinner beats the cable service
around here a lot of the time.  :-)

>|> >>>>>>>Wow, my first death threat from Usenet.  I'm not impressed.  
>|> >>>>>>>
>|> >>>>>>>(actually, it's a bit hard for me to grep how an imaginary agency is
>|> >>>>>>>supposed to do anything to me, but I guess that's not my problem...)
>
>Patrick, I'm having a really tough time envisioning you grepping anything at
>   all.  Grepping is not what pistol-whipped salivating buttwhores like you
>   are good at.  Christ, ace, I don't know HOW you got into this school, but
>   I suspect the Selection Committee must have been mostly comprised of 
>   plant life.

It was pretty easy, really -- look in your little campus directory in the
*white* pages for my name, not the blue pages.  That'll give you a clue.

>|> >>>>>>It seems to be a bit hard for you to grep anything, for you have no 
>|> >>>>>>thinking skills at all.  Termination is not a difficult task for DOI,
>|> >>>>>>for they have done it to misinformed individuals quite frequently.  
>|> >>>>>>Be prepared; you're next in line.
>
>Ooooh, another homoerotic buzz word!  For those of you in our viewing audience
>   today on _Donahue_, 'terminate' means 'remove the now-irritable ferret and
>   replace with Butt Potato (TM)'.  Frankly, Bruce, I can't see Patrick finding
>   this so terrible.

If I was into that, I'd live up at Playpen State.  (Or maybe Wiess. :-)
Fortunately for me, I'm not and I don't.  (Especially not any time close to
NOD, obviously.)

>|> >>>>>I love it.  An imaginary creation of yours is going to "terminate" me? 
>|> >>>>>I hate to tell you, but I was already terminated eighteen years ago...
>|> >>>>>you've been arguing with an electronic ghost all this time.  Therefore,
>|> >>>>>by your own imaginary creation's standards, you're next up on the 
>|> >>>>>Termination Express.
>|> >>>>>
>|> >>>>>Been nice knowing you...:-)
>
>Patrick has obviously mispoken.  He clearly meant to say, "I hate to tell you,
>   but I should have been terminated eighteen years ago when my Mother's 
>   pus-filled uterus coughed me forth, heaving, onto the hot sands of the
>   Mojave Desert.  Then I would not presently be plaguing the group with 
>   this inane and puerile Cascade O' Caca."

Wrong again.  I'm having a good time yanking Bruce around by the chain --
and he refuses to believe I'm doing it.  I've got him dancing a veritable
jig, and he doesn't even know it -- even though I've told him so.

>We beg pardon for the inconvenience....

No problem.  We'll just move you out to the west Stadium lot...:-)

>|> >>>>No, a real organization is going to terminate you.  You seem to be quite
>|> >>>>misinformed.  DOI is not going to terminate me, for I am an informed
>|> >>>>individual who is not in need of termination.  Good riddance, loser.
>
>'Informed Individual'?  <condescending chuckle> No, my hare-lipped lad, you
>   are not presently an informed individual.  Here we go:
>
>        You still wet your bed after seeing 'Murder She Wrote' reruns.
>        When things get slow, you sit on your ant farm.
>        You can't get a stiffie unless you think of your dead Grandma.
>        When nobody's looking, you whack off watching 'Soul Train'.
>        I know your REAL parents.  They're losers.
>        It just looks red now, but it'll start HURTING soon....
>        If you weren't reading this now, you'd probably be back in your
>           dorm room making 976- calls.
>        You are a tasteless loser, and you'll never get a job.
>        You date your cousins, and they dump you.
>        You have no talent, no brains, and no life.
>        Find a different newsgroup, because NOBODY HERE LIKES YOU.
>
>There.  NOW you are an informed individual.

Bloody optimist.

>|> >>>What a laugh -- your imaginary organization can't even deal with someone
>|> >>>who was terminated when you were still in diapers.  Might as well get 
>|> >>>used to it, BoFo -- I'm not going away...
>
>Couple points here, Patrick:
>
>1) He's still in diapers.

I know -- he's made a career out of it.

>2) You ARE going away.  I'll stop you.  Somehow.

Damn straight.  I'm walking out the door at 8 AM.  (And I'll be back tonight
at 11:30.)  See how easy that was?  You didn't even have to stop me.

>3) Have we seen ANYTHING yet that looks even VAGUELY flamelike come out of
>     your smegma-encrusted orifice?!  If you truly feel that this wriggling
>     pedophile is a bozo, why don't you tell him?  If you're too panty-
>     waisted for a good, red-blooded American flaming, why don't you 
>     sashay on over to alt.happy.happy.joy.joy or alt.warm.fuzzy instead
>     of occupying space on this group?  Is any of that grey matter brain
>     cells, or is that just one big, FESTERING BOIL ON YOUR HEAD?!!!!

Hey, I'm at work.  I flame on my nights off.  (Besides, the Wimp from WHOOSH
wouldn't know it if I was flaming him, anyway.  Someone that acephalic
wouldn't know enough to tell the difference between margarine and a dead
crab.)

>|> >>My organization can deal with anyone anywhere.  DOI has helped to convert
>|> >>many misinformed souls into thriving, informed individuals.  Try staring 
>|> >>at a screen full of OGGLEs.  That way, you don't even need to contact the
>|> >>Department of Information to get started.  Here are some for starters; if
>|> >>they have been deleted upon your next followup, then termination must be
>|> >>presumed....
>
>First, you defile one of my favorite newsgroups with your whiny, limp-wristed
>   presence.  Next, you engage in a 'flaming' which contains zero, read 'none',
>   provocative material.  Finally, you waste a colostomy-bag-full of band-
>   width with, of all things, a couple screens of 'OGGLEs'. 
>
>Sigh.

I agree, but it's amazing what you can do with a few "d^m"s.  (None of this
Gnu Emacs for me. :)

>Bruce, you are a penis.  Worse, you are a small penis.  There is nothing to
>   you except a flaccid, one-inch strip of wang.  And it's infected.  
>Dangling below said organ are two testicles.  They are shrivelled and 
>   gangrenous, no doubt having been exposed to dangerous radiation.
>There is no semen in these balls -- God forbid!  No, my little roadkill,
>   we are in no danger of your spreading your seed into the future.  I
>   would never stand for that.
>The entire assembly -- cock AND balls -- is coated with a thin layer of
>   motor oil.  
>Which is on fire.
>This is you, Bruce.  Burn the image into your brain.  THIS IS YOU.
>
>Okay, everybody, all together now:
>
>GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF! GIF!.....

I'm waiting for this one, for sure -- it'll go up on the Operations PS/2...

>|> >I wish you'd clue us in on just what kind of chemicals you're ingesting --
>|> >what OGGLEs?  See what happens when you screw around with imaginary
>|> >organizations?  
>
>Allow me to provide you with a very small sampling of the clues you lack,
>   Patrick:  the chemicals he has ingested is your semen.  Yes, he has sucked
>   AND swallowed.  See what it's done to him.

He's really got problems, then -- that wasn't me.  I was home with the wife,
doing things you'd never imagine old farts like us would do...

>You, on the other hand, have no excuse for your emptiheadedness.  Boof-boy
>   over there goes to Pennis State, so he is excused from all higher brain
>   functions.  You, however, go to a higher educational institution.  Drivel
>   along the lines of what you have been posting is unacceptable.  It is, to
>   put this politely, unadulterated SHIT -- pure as the driven snow.  Shame
>   on you, squick-target.

When was the last time we had *any* snow around here, much less driven?
(I don't go to this educational institution -- I work for it.  Someone has
to crack the whip on you guys.)

>|> Then it is apparent that you are reading these articles with your eyes closed.
>|> Since they have been deleted, then DOI assumes that you have terminated
>|> yourself.  Good move, Patrick, for the world can do very well without your
>|> misinformation.  Next....
>
>ME!! ME!! ME!!
>
>I long for you to take on a real flamer, oh Ye-Whose-Sphincter-Leaks.  Your
>posts are useless and do not belong on ANY group in the net.hierarchy, with
>the possible exception of alt.stupidity.  Move it there and gussy up to your
>mental mates.  Do NOT, however, continue to infect this group with your 
>meanderings.  They may be appropriate for email, if you are an afficionado
>of vacant blithering, but to expose the rest of us to your harmful rays is
>just too much.
>
>Now, I know how to operate a killfile like the rest, but I just HATE to
>do this.  You see, I believe that even you two toads are salvageable.  
>Someday, I keep telling myself, these deranged munchkins will shift out of
>cruise control and post something grippingly flaming.  And I shall rejoice.
>
>Hence, in the future, please carefully consider the following questions:
>
>     * Have I carefully thought out my post? 

At 5 AM?  Are you kidding?

>     * Is my post relevant to this newsgroup? 

Since when has *that* been a consideration of anyone else in here?

>     * Am I prepared to deal with the consequences of my posting?

Hey, I've lived in Houston for the last 27 years -- after that, this is no
problem at all...

>     * Will I be wasting bandwidth with my post?

No more (and in most cases a lot less) than folks like Bruce and his
Traveling OGGLE Show...

>     * Has somebody else already posted and said the same thing?

If they have, all they have to do is finger this account to find out where
to send those royalty checks...

>     * If I keep touching myself like that, will I go blind?

Not even close.  Staring at the *&^%$#@! CRT all day is what does that. :-)

>If your answer to any of these questions is 'no', DO NOT POST.  If you are
>   Kevin L. McBride, do not post anyway.
>
>Closing Remarks:
>
>     Both of you, collectively, are smaller than my penis.
>     The neighborhood chinchillas are afraid of you.
>     Saturday Nite?! CRIBBAGE!!!

No way.  Out to the movies, maybe.  (If anyone had a chinchilla in my part
of Sharpstown, there'd be a cookout...)

>     You are whimpering, hunchbacked, catatonic pig-dogs.  
>     You lie in a puddle of your own sweat and vomit.
>     Cower, whelps, for your net.masters are watching.
>     They are displeased.  Beware their wrath.
>     They will wreak a terrible vengeance upon you.
>     Not violence -- oh, no.
>     They will make you look pathetic and weak before the Net.
>     Which is what you are.
>     Wheedle!  Beg forgiveness!  Perhaps you will be spared.
>     Or perhaps not.
>
>DIE RAT BASTARDS.

Go over to Abercrombie and climb 180 and perch there for a few days.  You'll
feel much better.  Trust me. :-)



-- 
Patrick L. Humphrey  (patrick@is.rice.edu)  Rice Networking & Computing Systems
     +1 713 528-3626 at Rice. 776-1541 at home. 667-6554 at Palace Lanes. 
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