From: brown@NCoast.ORG (Stan Brown)
Subject: Re: Longing for the land of long grass...
Organization: Oak Road Systems, Cleveland Ohio USA
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 20:16:45 GMT

I tried to email, but once again it bounced...

In article <1992Nov7.125728.5547@udel.edu> awatson@pecan.cns.udel.edu (angela watson) writes:
>
>	I can't really afford to move out until spring semester... and
>while my name isn't on most of the bills, I feel somewhat morally
>responsible to pay for my fair share of them.  If I up and left now (as in
>acutally moved out) he'd be hard pressed to find a new place or a 
>housemate to take my place... 

Warning:  What follows is pretty blunt.

From your description (and I realize, just to cover the bases, that we
haven't heard his side), this guy has been abusing you emotionally for
three years.  "It would be tough on him" is _not_ a reason to delay
moving out.  "I can't afford it" may be a reason.  But be aware that you
are making a trade-off between emotional and financial well being.  I
can't tell you how to make that trade-off -- nobody on the Net can, and
nobody off the Net can either -- but I can tell you to be aware that you
are indeed making a choice.  You are not trapped unless you want to be.

That's easy to say, I know.  Often in my life situations when I feel
trapped, others are able to help me out by pointing out some
possibilities I had overlooked.  So here are a few.  I am not
recommending any of them, because I don't know your situation: but they
may get your mind working and help you find your own alternatives.  You
could check at the university housing office for rommates wanted; you
could do the same on bulletin boards at local businesses; you could
check out house-sitting openings, you could decide to accept a
temporarily much reduced standard of living if having your own place is
important to you, you could look for a place you liked and advertise for
a new roommate to share it, etc.

It sounds as though you believe you would be better off by removing
yourself from this person's environment.  If that is so, then do it.  If
you feel now is not the time, make yourself a plan to do it on a
schedule of your choosing (not his).  

>	He also would probably never do anything with his life either...
>he only started to try to change his life for the better when he 
>thought I was just threatening to leave him (but I was serious)... I
>find it hard to live with the idea that I'll be leaving him when he
>finally starts to do the things that he'd always said he'd do.

This may well be part of his emotional blackmail of you:  Oh
angela I'm such a mess and only you can save me."  Well, it's your
choice if you want to take that on.  But I'd bet a fairly large sum of
money that he doesn't _want_ to be saved:  If he did, he'd get busy and
make his own life changes.

Once again, I am not advising you to leave him.  Obviously I don't know
all the facts, and even if I did such advice would not be my place.  But
I _am_ saying, wake up, listen to what you are saying and look at the
dynamic between the two of you.  Based on what you say, it seems that he
is manipulating you beautifully, and you are going right along with it.
If, I say if, you want to extricate yourself from this situation, you
must realize that there will never be a right moment; he will fight
(emotionally) very hard to keep things just as they are because they
suit him fine.  

>	This would be so much easier if I didn't know he based his
>entire life around me...  =P

If he needs you, it is still for you to decide whether the need is
mutual.  No matter how needy he may be, the mere fact of his need does
not create any obligation on your part.  If you base decisions on
companionship on who needs you, you are setting yourself up to be used
and to be a victim, and I hate to see that happen.
-- 
Stan Brown, Oak Road Systems                      brown@Ncoast.ORG
Cleveland, Ohio, USA
"Only the futility of the first flood prevents God from unleashing another."
            --Chamfort, as quoted in Claude Arnaud's {Chamfort: A Biography}