From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (The Napoleon of Crime)
Subject: "Farewell to Jerry Boyajian" tribute speech
Followup-To: rec.arts.comics.misc
Summary: It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
Reply-To: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (The Napoleon of Crime)
Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 07:16:56 GMT

In <1992Sep24.003456.6320@zip.eecs.umich.edu> tyg@quip.eecs.umich.edu (Tom Galloway) writes:
>Um, you've got a problem there. Jayembee dropped off r.a.c. several
>months back due to a combo of lack of time and relatively few current
>purchases. Further, he's now, at least temporarily, off the net 
>entirely due to a layoff from DEC and not having a computer/modem
>of his own. There was a nice appreciation dinner last week here
>in Cambridge though, and if Moriarty reads this, I'd like to urge
>him to post his (8 page) testamonial to Jerry which he faxed to 
>me just hours before the event.

And once again, my ego leaps in where editors fear to tread.

Below is the tribute I wrote for Jerry; some of the humor I *think* is in
there (experts at the Smithsonian are still out on the question) rests on
the intention that it was to be read out loud by Young Tom Galloway, member
of the American Eagle squad, and probable heir to the throne of Dayton, Ohio.

At any rate, don't blame Jerry for this; we all miss him around here.  I
know *I* do.

======================================================

TESTIMONIAL FOR JERRY BOYAJIAN

{from Jeff "Moriarty" Meyer, esteemed colleague and child actor}

[Brief aside to Mssr. Tom (assuming Tom is the foolhardy, err, courageous 
 chap who volunteers to spew this out): this is the only aside I am going 
 to make.  The only real aside.  All other asides are fake asides, and 
 should be read along with the rest of the text.  You can, of course, read 
 this aside (again, the only real aside in the document) out loud; but it 
 will probably cause a 4th wall implosion, resulting in many deaths and 
 no free after-dinner mints from the management.  You be the judge.

 Thanks for taking the time to put voice to my words--it is greatly 
 appreciated.  Good luck!  If you do well with this, the Friday 9:30 time-
 slot on ABC is yours.]

Good evening.  To the assembled; to Mr. Boyajian; and to any 
listening to the live broadcast of this event on the Armed Services 
Radio Network, I say: thank you for attending.  I regret that I am 
unable to be present at tonight's tribute, due to the great distances 
involved, my general cheapness, and a slight misunderstanding 
between myself and several Massachusetts law enforcement 
organizations.  

Happily, Mr. Galloway called me and provided me with the 
opportunity to write a few words about Jerry, a task I was all too 
happy to perform; I would like to particularly thank Tom for 
agreeing to read these poor remarks to you fellow admirers of Mr. 
Boyajian.  I might add that Tyg has agreed to recite my prose 
verbatim, and that *whatever* is jotted down on this sheet of paper 
will be narrated directly to you, by him.

But first, a brief test of the equipment.  "Boojums."  "Thoracic."  
"Phospholipid." "Mumbletypeg."  "Spectropolariscope."  "Wacka-
Ding-Hoyyyy!"

"Ahhr!  The Black Spot!"  "I will not run for re-election."  "Tonight, I 
would like to talk to you about the benefits of rubber underwear."  
"Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, he's not in this bit."

HA HA HA HA HA!  Tom Galloway is *COMPLETELY* under my 
spell!  Mine to command!  And with Jerry Boyajian retiring from The 
Net, my possession of the Cosmic Cube, generally poor crop 
conditions in the Midwest, and my emphasis on Family Values, NO 
ONE stands between me and my quest for Ultimate Power!!  
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

....*ahem*.  But, more on that later. 

--------------------

In early 1953, Joseph Stalin suffered a major aneurysm in his brain 
and toppled off the bloody throne he had built under the auspices of 
Communism.  And as the last remaining drop of vitality left his body, 
his thoughts must have radiated one primary emotion: 
disappointment.  Not because he had murdered or exterminated 
many thousands of people, or his failure to attain a reputation as a 
"happy camper" within Moscow's drinking society; nor was it due to 
some faint suspicion that there might be something to this whole God 
business after all, and if so, the improbability of finding his name on 
the Dean's list.  It occurred because of  a sudden premonition, a 
realization in the last moments before oblivion that he, Stalin, would 
never be able to sit back in his beloved Georgian dacha, a steaming 
cup of tea beside him, and watch episodes of THE MAN FROM 
U.N.C.L.E. or THE OUTER LIMITS on a bulky, state-manufactured 
13" television set; that he would never, between bites of People's 
Brand bologna, be able to follow the stirring events of a issue of 
MASTER OF KUNG FU.  This final, unexpected revelation before his 
demise must have made Stalin's last few moments on Earth 
incredibly unpleasant.  Good.

Jerry Boyajian, on the other hand, deserves a much better fate.  I am 
happy to say that Jerry has received all the opportunities that 
Marshal Stalin never lived to sample; and moreover, has greeted 
every instance of quality pop culture which he has come across with 
an enthusiasm and good humor that reflects well on both subject and 
student.  All too often, men and women of intelligence will avoid 
lauding the gems they find within mediums that are considered "low-
brow" or "for kids", for fear of ridicule, a loss of stature in the 
academic community, or ending up as their company's permanent 
PBS pledge drive volunteer.  Worse yet, they may try to "elevate" pop 
fiction to "respectable" heights; while a very few are able to stand the 
comparison, putting THE AVENGERS up against Hemingway proves 
very little either way. (Except that old guys in boats rarely get to meet 
attractive young women in skin-tight leather clothing.)

Jerry has always avoided these two intellectual pitfalls; he speaks 
with an enthusiasm which firmly rests upon a strong wit, an 
unblinkered intelligence, a wry writing style, and a knowledge base 
which is unparalleled in comix and science fiction, film and television 
(and which is none too shoddy anywhere else.)  Together with Jerry's 
pleasant and engaging personality, these qualities have combined to 
produce a great number of entertaining discussions; both for those 
inhabiting the vast, tentacled entity which is Usenet, and also to the 
lucky individuals who have gotten to know him personally.

Few names on The Net are as widely recognized as Jerry Boyajian.  
Some might argue that this is because of the frequency of his 
postings, or his high profile on a wide range newsgroups; but for 
those who actually read his articles, there is little doubt that his 
renown is due to his distinctive writing style: a heady mix of facts 
and anecdotes (which can be summoned with alarming speed), 
tempered by a lively wit and a sense of direction that never allows 
his discourse to fall too far afield of the initial thread of discussion.

Also, I think Jerry is recognized as much for *how* he has used his 
skills during his term as a citizen of Internet.  During the eighties, I 
can think of no one who answered as many queries as Jerry; in 
general, if someone posed a question which Jerry could answer, Jerry 
would--to a point that some of us wondered whether he had left 
himself with enough time to *read* Net news, much less anything else.  
He was (and is) courteous when answering questions, particularly if 
the petitioner had done some research on their own ahead of time.  
Electronic networks have always been at their best when 
disseminating information; Jerry Boyajian is one of the people who 
best demonstrates how this can be done, with courtesy and insight.

Not that Jerry is a saint or a masochist; while he always answers 
serious questions seriously, he will not involve himself in an endless 
debate over a subject that has turned into a shouting match.  Nor will 
he simply fade out because he tires of arguing with an anal-retentive 
individual.  (And there is no shortage of such people on The Net.)  I 
think I am safe in saying that Jerry Boyajian does not, in general, 
suffer fools gladly.  I have enjoyed, on occasion, seeing him make 
fools suffer, though--suffer a bit of foot-in-mouth disease, and 
sometimes even a bit of self-realization.  Jerry has the unique ability 
to extract himself from a pedantic argument with a simple, 
devastating summary line, followed by a quick yet dignified exit; the 
Boyajian Maneuver is usually a show-stopper.  It never appears as if 
he is leaving a fight; rather, it's like a departure after a unanimous 
judges' decision in his favor.  (Though I should emphasize that Jerry 
has let loose some beautiful T.K.O.'s in his time.)  It is a skill I have 
appreciated--and envied--no small amount.

----------------------------------------

"Yes, yes," I hear you say; "We all know what a wonderful person 
Jerry is, and hardly need *your* grandiloquent meanders to remind us.  
So skip the hearts & flowers, and get to the juicy stuff.  Where did 
Jerry come from?  Where did he get his uncanny knowledge of DC 
continuity?  What's his favorite color?  What is his ORIGIN?"

And well you might ask.  When I first became exposed to Usenet 12 
years ago, my career as a cynical Net-hack still before me, I became 
aware of a powerful intelligence radiating from the Boston metro 
area.  (Admittedly, this was not much of an accomplishment on my 
part; when it comes to Usenet, powerful intelligences have always 
been rather scarce on the ground.)  Being an all-around Nosy Parker, 
I kept my ear to the wall; and The Net being The Net, I soon a 
good deal of unsubstantiated gossip to mull over.

Reports of Jayembee's background were (and still are) sketchy in the 
extreme.  Some claimed that he had a relatively successful career as 
the voice of several major Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters in the 
early sixties, but left at the peak of his career because of the studio's 
refusal to incorporate any sort of continuity into THE JETSONS.  
Others say that he scripted half of the Marvel titles attributed to Roy 
Thomas during the late sixties and early seventies (not to mention 
most of the copy used in the Bullpen Bulletins column,) but never 
received any credit within the Marvel organization because of the 
"hypnotic power" Thomas held over Stan Lee.  A majority of the 
stories I heard had him growing up abroad and emigrating to the 
United States in his late teens.  These rumors usually break down 
into two categories: either that he was the translator and composer of 
the English-language theme songs for SPEED RACER, EIGHTH MAN 
and KIMBA THE WHITE LION; or that he was somehow involved in 
a love triangle that resulted in Diana Rigg leaving the cast of THE 
AVENGERS.  (I wonder about the latter; Jerry still gets a wistful 
expression on his face when he watches the introductions on 
MYSTERY!)

These were all daunting stories for a young man with little 
experience on the net; as I began to consider posting my first article 
to net.comics, I wondered whether I would had Jayembee's good 
opinion or not.  Would he like my articles?  Would he mind the 
length of my inane signoff lines?  Might he taunt me in public if he 
ever found out that I watch repeats of THE BIG VALLEY whenever I 
can?  (I needn't have worried; he did, and I am a better man for it.)  

However, with my big mouth and complete lack of tact, it was an 
academic question; I got into the fray, skinned my knees, and made a 
name for myself.  (Not a very good name, mind you, but a name.)  
Looking back, I have few regrets (other than that shooting spree 
through Vermont with Ken Arndt), and I have many fine memories 
of reading, and sometimes participating alongside, Jerry's electronic 
correspondence.  His style of discussion was (and is) worth 
emulating--certainly in its thoughtfulness and reasonability, even in 
the face of daunting stupidity; and if net.comics (and afterwards, 
rec.arts.comics) was a more civilized haven than many other 
newsgroups, I have no doubt that Jerry Boyajian was partially 
responsible for that situation.

I honestly don't remember when I first met Jerry; my memory is 
muddled at the best of times, and I discovered some absolutely 
remarkable fungi in the early-to-mid eighties, so things are always a 
bit blurry around then.  Written records usually point to the San 
Diego Comic Con as our initial encounter with one another; but there 
was that extortion racket I ran in Minneapolis, on and off, for several 
years, and we may well have bumped into one another then.  Suffice 
it to say that I found him even more engaging in person, and that 
outside of his occasional habit of dressing up in a black caballero 
costume, wearing a mask, swinging through large rooms on 
chandeliers and scratching the letter Z into all manner of things (and 
people), I reveled in his company whenever I had the chance.

At tributes like this one, of course, the question is always raised: 
what was it like in the glory days of Usenet?  What happened in 
those much-publicized but highly exclusive Net parties?  Were 
drunken bacchanals, the like of which hadn't been seen since the days 
of Fatty Arbuckle, the norm instead of the exception?  Did people 
*actually* manage to get through the evening without talking about 
computers even *once*?  I find it difficult to answer these questions; 
attempts to summarize insanity into 25 words or less is a task that no 
biped should have to face.  All I can do is to sit back, and bring forth 
images that slowly come to mind; images infused with the smell of 
bad soft drinks, good cheese, great chocolate.  They pass before my 
eyes, one after another: Jerry debating the strong and weak points of 
ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE with Kathy Li, Eric 
Sadoyama and myself (I simply cannot stomach the Louis Armstrong 
sequences and George Lazenby in general, but Jerry is right; Diana 
Rigg makes up for a lot.)  Gene Spafford laughing uproariously with 
Lisa Chabot and Jon Singer.  Chuq Von Rospach performing open-
heart surgery on Tom Galloway, using a coffee table as his surgical 
theater.  Peter David thumb-wrestling with Matt Weiner, each man's 
face showing their grim resolve, each determined never to yield.  
(These bouts invariably ended after five minutes, when Matt's head 
would fall off and the gerbil would escape.)  Evelyn Leeper arguing 
historical minutiae with Arthur Schlesinger, while her husband Mark 
passes out on the motorized bong.  Karen Williams dancing with 
Steve Rude to the music of Seduction of the Innocent, and then 
throwing him into the air and catching him several times during the 
"big band" numbers.  Brad Templeton rolling rich drunks, just to 
"keep my hand in", as he puts it.  Henry Spenser leaving early in the 
company of Christie Brinkley and an unidentified (but highly 
attractive) Balkan princess.  Rich Rosen and Ken Arndt in the middle 
of a knife fight in the hotel courtesy suite.

And then there were the hangers-on, who begged or wheedled 
invitations through one way or another: Andy Warhol; J. Edgar 
Hoover; John Byrne; Jack Kemp; a very young Whitney Houston; Sir 
Kenneth Clark; Cher.  And Jim Shooter, of course.  (A man whose 
name is synonymous with the word smeghead.) 

----

Times changed; the Net changed.  Jerry, thank goodness, hasn't, but 
his Net postings have become more infrequent over the last year; it is 
difficult to keep a person with so many active interests tied up in any 
one hobby for too long.  Much of his attention over the last several 
years has been to the rec.video group, with an emphasis on laserdiscs 
and films on laserdiscs.  (A somewhat expensive mania which he has 
transferred to several other people, myself in particular.)  While I 
cannot speak from personal knowledge, I am almost certain that his 
contributions to the science fiction newsgroups have been prominent 
right up to his retirement last month from The Net.  And he and I are 
occasionally called in for work in StarFleet security; in truth, though, 
we phone in most of our lines.

But even though Jerry Boyajian may not be writing about his 
enthusiasms over the next several months, or years, no one with any 
sense would think that he hasn't been indulging in them.  Thank 
goodness--someone needs to be a role model for the next generation.  

Anyway, Jerry, when the opportunity arises, we'd like to hear about 
what you've been up to, or what you've seen or read lately--in 
person, or on the net.  In the meantime, all the best on your 
sabbatical.  Stop and smell the roses for a bit, mate.

Jeff Meyer

[As for the rest of you lot, a word to the wise: Tribute in the form of 
 Heath bars has been known to improve my temper in the past.  
 (Please, do not, I repeat, do not send me your first-born.  I never know 
 what to do with them.)]

======================================================

                           "You deliver a good argument, but speaking
                            personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist
                            nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie
                            Newmar."
                                           -- Jerry Boyajian

                                        Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
INTERNET:     moriarty@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uunet, uw-beaver, sun, microsoft}!fluke!moriarty
CREDO:        You gotta be Cruel to be Kind...
                 **>> Keep circulating the tapes <<**