From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #486
Date: 5 Oct 92 18:15:54 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:28 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #486

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    486
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

481  38 votes  69d64 cca22 6a8a4 3a5d7 44bb8 1di51 7eb51 8bd33 3ec72 037cg
481  2.9 mean   2.8   2.2   2.9   3.3   3.4   2.8   2.4   2.5   2.8   4.1

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:35 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-01

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, all-round basically OK guy,
>
> I saw the following excerpt from the Quran:
>
> <He is God; there is no god but He. He is the Knower of the unseen and
> the visible; He is the All-merciful, the Al-compassionate. He is God;
> there is no God but He. He is the King, the All-Holy, the All-peace,
> the Guardian of Faith, the All-preserver, the All-mighty, the
> All-Compeller, the All-sublime. Glory be to God, above that they
> associate! He is God the Creator, the Maker, the Shaper. To Him belong
> the Names Most Beautiful. All that is in the heavens and the earth
> magnifies Him; He is the All-mighty, the All-wise.> (59:22-24)
>
> My question is this:  Does it bother you that your colleague Allah gets
> better grovels than you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colleague!?  That's my son!  Who do you think got him that
} job, anyway!?  My nephew Jesus would be ashamed of you if
} he found out how insolent one of his flock could be.
}
} You owe the Oracle the definition of the word "nepotism".

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:37 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-02

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> <*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>
>                             PROGRESS REPORT
>
>                     IMPERIAL SUBVERSION DIVISION #8
>                              Sub-Cluster #12
>                   PROJECT:  Planet 4597682103 (Earth)
> <*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>*<*>
>
> My Lord and Master:
>
> I am pleased to report to you that Phase 3 of the conquest of Planet
> Earth is proceeding ahead of expectations.  As with Phase 1
> (introduction of the concept of Bureaucracies) and Phase 2
> (implementation of Bureaucratic Proliferation), Phase 3, "Bureaucratic
> Standstill", has not been detected by the indigenous population.  In
> actuality, they seem quite adept to the generation of unnecessary
> paperwork.  At present, true productivity on the planet has been
> reduced to an average of 37% of energy utilized.  I anticipate they
> will reach the 0% threshold within three of their solar years.
>
> At this time, my Master, I am requesting your permission to begin the
> implementation of Phase 4, "RED TAPE CRISIS".  When may I proceed?
>
> Your humble servant,
> #375,243,896,212,003-H

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TO:   Humble Servant #375,243,896,212,003-H
} Addr: IMPERIAL SUBVERSION DIVISION #8
}       Sub-Cluster #12
}       PROJECT:  Planet 4597682103 (Earth)
}
} RE:   Your memo of 7 Gribnok 3782 G.B.
}
} Dear 003-H,
}
} We cannot process your request for Phase 4 implementation until we have
} on file Form 61038729372910665382-72837G837298T829837UBBA273846q8-1.
} Please file one of these forms with our local office.  Allow 6-10 weeks
} for delivery.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Imperial Subversion Division HQ.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:39 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-03

Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Oh Ultimately Advantaged Oracle, Guardian of the Sacred Words, Keeper
> of the Ten Kings, who knows exactly how pointless it is to predict who
> will win the 1992 United States presidential election, please tell me:
> Why do usenet users obsess about how bad Boston is to live in and drive
> around?  Why don't they leave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, if only it were that simple.  "Why don't they just leave?" you ask.
}  The simple truth is that they are unable to leave.  The Gods are
} walking the Earth in Boston, and have been for centuries, this so
} called 'city' is actually a staging area for the forces of evil that
} have been infiltrating your quaint little planet since before you were
} born.  And only now are humans gaining awareness of these hideous,
} festeringly evil beings that have been slowly turning the population of
} one of America's greatest cities into thier obedient slaves.  Long
} before the witch trials at Salem, the forces of evil were hard at work
} in the New England area.  Lovecraft came closest to discovering the
} true nature of the beings and was eliminated so that he would be unable
} to warn others of their impending doom. By asking Me this question you
} are opening a can of worms which might force these beings to serve up
} to you the same fate that Lovecraft suffered.  Nevertheless, being the
} Oracle, I cannot refuse you the answer to your question.  Guard these
} secrets well, because anyone else who gains this knoweldge will be
} subject to the same painful, hideous, screaming death that awaits you.
}
} ^L
} Boo!  Just kidding.  Most people don't leave Boston because of the
} excellent seafood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a campfire, a ghost story and a cup of Clam Chowder.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-04

Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do birds suddenly appear
> every time you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, so you've noticed.
}
} Among the various mystics arts I use in arriving at my unerring
} answers, one of the most useful is ornithomancy, the art of divination
} based on what bird appears when a given question is asked.  It is not
} quite as accurate as reading entrails, but I had to give up the latter
} practice when the Computer Center director complained about the
} round-the-clock pickets that the animal-rights folk were mounting
} outside.  With ornithomancy the bird gets to fly away afterwards and
} everyone is happy.
}
} Genuine ornithomancy is a complex art that takes into account not only
} the type of bird but the direction of its flight, its actions, its
} remnants (any feathers or droppings it leaves), and other still more
} arcane variables.  But for practical purposes the species of bird is
} often enough to tell me a great deal about the Supplicant and his or
} her fate.
}
} I'll give you some examples, and thank you for taking such an interest
} in an old Oracle's craft.
}
} BIRD THAT APPEARS       MYSTIC SIGNIFICANCE
} ==== ==== =======       ====== ============
}
} spotted owl             Supplicant faces imminent extermination.
}
} common pigeon           Supplicant continually coos, walks around with
}                         bobbing head, and poops on people's cars.
}                         Likely an escapee from a mental hospital.
}                         (Pigeons typically co-occur with the Woodchuck
}                         Question.)
}
} bridled titmouse        Supplicant is Madonna.  Ignore question.
}
} dodo                    Supplicant is a COBOL programmer.  Ignore
}                         question.
}
} dodoe [sic]             Supplicant is Dan Quayle.
}
} Norwegian blue parrot   Supplicant appears to be dead but is only
}                         sleeping.
}
} vulture                 Supplicant is a lawyer.
}
} woodpecker              Supplicant suffers from sexual dysfunction.
}
} a cheerful little bird  Supplicant will get lost in a maze of twisty
} sitting here singing    little passages.
}
} egress                  Supplicant is P. T. Barnum.
}
} common loon             Supplicant is an ordinary Usenet reader.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:42 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-05

Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who know all from the beginning of existance, the
> answerer of all questions, and bearer of all answers...please give your
> thoughts to this question...
>
> I am a computer assistant for my college's computer center.  I
> experience this situation quite often.  A user will walk up to me with
> a computer center manual in his or her hand, show me a section on a
> particular function, and ask me how to do it.  I will then procede to
> read the section directly out of the manual to them.  They will now
> procede to go to thier monitor or PC and perform the function
> flawlessly.  My question is: Why do people still need things done for
> them even though the answer is right before their eyes???  I feel my
> title should be "Public Reader", not "Computer Assistant/Sun Manager".
> For an answer to this question, I will forever be grateful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right; the students don't need you to answer their questions.
} They have a totally different motivation.  What might that be, you
} ask?  The answer is right in front of your face.  You're a
} _computer_ _assistant_.  Your reading of these passages from the
} documentation is actually for the computer's benefit.
}
} Here's how it works:
} > ls
} > ls
} > catalog
} > dir
} > don't you do anything?
}
} *ahem*
} "LS(1V)                   USER COMMANDS                     LS(1V)
}
} NAME
}      ls - list the contents of a directory"
}
} > ls
} Mail  lib  send*
} dead.letter nobackup@
}
} Hopefully with improvements in OCR technology, computers will soon
} be able to read their own manuals, freeing you for more enjoyable
} computer assistant duties, such as Tetris.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-06

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Powerful Oracle, whose feet are fit for waterskiing, please tell
> me why do CDs have a hole in the middle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...powerful...yes...waterskiing...yes...is that all?  Oh, well,
} they don't grovel like they used to.  We need to work on that.
}
} In the beginning was the Oracle.  And the Oracle spake, saying:
} "Let there be music."  And the Oracle heard the music, and it was
} good.  *Very* good.
}
} But, after the music had been played, the mortals could hear it no
} more. The mortals beseeched the Oracle, and lo, the Oracle replied,
} saying: "Let there be sheet music."  And the sheet music was good, for
} it allowed the mortals to play the music again.
}
} But the mortals tired of performing the music, so the Oracle spake unto
} Tommy Edison, saying:  "Let there be records."  And in due course a
} recording medium was designed, and it was good.
}
} But the mortals always want more.  They begged the Oracle for a
} durable, portable system, so the Oracle spake, saying:  "Let there be
} tape." The mortals rejoiced for reel-to-reel and cassette tape.
}
} But then a mortal tried to outdo the Oracle.  He created "8-track"
} tape. And so spake the Oracle:  "Let nothing but disco be published on
} 8-track." And 8-track was soon no more.  (Let that be a lesson to you.)
}
} But the mortals wanted digital sound, so, getting fed up with mortals,
} thus the Oracle spake:  "Let there be compact disks and two formats of
} DAT; that'll show 'em."  And show 'em it did.  And the Oracle spake
} further:  "And let the CDs be reminiscent of records, to show the
} mortals from whence this new medium came."  And the CD's were
} remniscent of records, and they were good; except for that stupid hole
} in the middle.
}
} You owe the Oracle the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever on record,
} reel-to-reel, cassette, CD, and both types of DAT.
} (If you send an 8-track, you *WILL* be <ZOT>ed.)

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:45 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-07

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh really rather quite decent and actually not half bad Oracle
> (sorry, this is a British grovel):
>
> In his latest "Inside Track" column in PC Magazine John Dvorak mentions
> the "rumoured desire of Microsoft to find a way to put Windows on home
> appliances such as microwave ovens and VCRs."
>
> Oh (what the devil, I'll be brash) super nifty one, can you tell me how
> a microwave oven running Windows would work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh really seely English knnni-get (sorry, zis is a French Oracle):
}
} A mahcrowave ouven running Windoes ouill ourk verry slowly.  Eet ouill
} leek radiacion and make you eento a large meutated cabbage.  Eet ouill
} be impossibl to use eet without the proper interfas, which, instead of
} ze mouse you probably use, ouill be a jiant hedgehog named Spainy
} Norman. Ze Oracle oulde adviz avoideeng all such Maicrosouft products.
}
} You oue ze Oracle a toaster zat runs Unix.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:47 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-08

Selected-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Magnificent Usenet Oracle, who knows all, sees all, ZOTs all,
> who could tell us why Ross Perot is such a jackass (but won't)...
>
> Running across the street for a glimpse at Ed's finger. Such a pretty
> finger -- such a pretty. Has Ed been what he could have done? Has Ed
> been what he could have done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ed's finger? Hmmm...
}
}  >finger Ed
}
}  searching...found.
}
}  Login name: Ed
}  In real life:Ed McMahon
}  Directory: /staff/second_bananas/Ed
}  Project: retired.
}
}  --->>EdShell v.30
}  ---->>Hello! Your name has just been added to the official
}       EdMail mailing list!
}  ---->>This list disseminates your name and address--recorded as:
}       U. Senet Oracle, 1 AndOnlyOne, Unknown XX 00001-0001
}       --to the many fine direct-mail and sweepstakes companies
}       listed below.  Enjoy your upcoming solicitations courtesy
}       of Ed McMahon enterprises!
}
}  -->>American family Publishers
}  -->>Alpo
}  -->>Budweiser
} ^C
}
} Oh, $%^[#$;@... where is that stupid list kept...THERE.
}
} <rumblerumblerumbleZapTzaupBOOM>
}
}  -*--)>EdShhhhhhl rpr6&: N@me U. Senet Oracle*&9tr^nsmitted to
}       1853 data%*&banks b4f0rrre pgr or m term&nated...
}  Connection terminated.
}
} Aw, dammit...
}
} You owe the Oracle a place to put the junk mail.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:49 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-09

Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>     Oh Oracle, whose Brain is so huge that if it were finely ground and
> made into a meat by-product it would spread like Spam onto a hundred
> trillion crackers, please answer my humble plea for enlightenment:
>
>    The other day I had five philosophers over for dinner.  But I didn't
> have enough forks to go around, there was only enough for four of them
> to eat at a time.  Of course, they weren't polite enough to share so
> they were constantly fighting and bickering over the forks.  Assuming I
> don't have enough money to buy more silverware, how can I appease them
> all the next time they come over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, just as a matter of trivia, the exact number of crackers
} that my brain could be applied to in the form of meat by-products would
} take up more time to type than it is worth to type out as a matter of
} trivia. You are correct, however, in saying that it would spread in a
} spam-like manner.
}
} Now on to your question.
} To answer this question we must understand something about the nature
} of the parties involved. Philosophers are people who enjoy arguing
} about topics which are primarily abstract. Bearing this in mind, I ask
} you to think in the following manner:
} There are not really four forks, there are five forks, one of which is
} a null fork.
} You are to tell this to the philosophers when you sit down to eat.
}
} While this reasoning is 100% flawed, your philosophers should become
} wrapped up in the whole affair so sufficiently that they will not
} notice when you pull one of them away at a time to let him eat. Also,
} the philosopher who is not eating will want to get back into the
} conversation so badly that he will not want to hog the food at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a null fork.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 05 Oct 92 13:15:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #486-10

Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mickey Mouse is a mouse. So is Minnie. Donald and Daisy are
> ducks. Pluto is a dog. What, oh great Oracle, is Goofy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your confusion is understandable, since Goofy has evolved over time.
} 1928: an adjective
} 1948: a cartoon character
} 1968: a guy dressed in a silly suit at DisneyWorld
} 1988: The Vice President of the United States
}
} You owe the Oracle a "vote early, vote often" bumper sticker.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #486
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle