From: oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu (Sharon O'Neil)
Subject: Re: Romantic Relationships and Friendships
Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 20:15:49 GMT

kchin@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Ken H Chin) writes:

>I have always believed that ideally two people should become 
>friends first, and let romantic interests develop only after 
>the friendship is on solid ground.  Unfortunately, my practice has 
>not followed theory, and the end results have not been pretty.

I have had relationships where we started off as friends first and those were
the long-term, lasting relationships.  The relationships that started out
being "romantic" relationships were the ones that fell through: there was
nothing upon which to base the togetherness.

>When you met your SO: 
>1. Were you seeking only friendship and were surprised by the 
>   subsequent development of romantic interests?

My ex-SO and I used to run around together with another friend of ours.  
Both of them were dating other girls, but the three of us would get together
because we liked doing things together.

>2. Were you seeking friendship knowing that there was the possibility
>   of mutual interest in a romantic relationship?

I had no idea that I would eventually end up dating one of them.  After all,
as I said, they were both dating other girls and I was actually off at college
at the time and saw them both when I came home for weekends or vacations or
whatever.  We all had an interest in computers and they showed me how to use
the net and such.

>3. Did you pursue a romantic relationship soon after meeting each other,
>   with the friendship developing later on?

You know, I don't even remember how long he and I were hanging out with each
other before we started dating: it must have been close to a year.

>How common are the different cases, and what are there advantages and
>disadvantages?

Well, given that I knew him for a while before we started dating, we both
had a good idea of what we both liked.  We both had a good idea of what
made each other tick.  We were great friends.

We actually spent a lot of time talking and communicating in our relationship,
even as it ended, several years later.

I can't really think of any disadvantages.  I thoroughly enjoyed the time
spent with him.  We're still friends now.  I think it is because we were
friends before.  I would hate to lose him as a friend.  

>I know that many people believe that things romantic should 
>happen "naturally" and automatically, but I am convinced that healthy
>relationships require work, clear thinking analysis, and real
>communication, in addition to "romance".

I don't believe that things romantic always happen naturally.  At least,
I don't believe in love at first sight.  I definitely don't believe that
love is always enough.  You have to communicate.  You have to work at your
own self-esteem.  You have to think of the other person.  You have to 
work on understanding them.

>BTW, the discussions in this news group have been great!  

No doubt.  This is my favorite newsgroup.  It has really helped me.  I felt
terribly alone and sad when I broke up with my SO in October, but it has 
really helped me to know that I'm not alone.  Other people are going through
and have gone through similar pain.  

>Ken

Sharon 
oneil@cwis.unomaha.edu