From: mgoodwin@nmsu.edu (Michael E Goodwin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: School Bloopers
Date: 30 Sep 92 01:31:04 GMT
Distribution: rec.humor
Organization: NMSU Computer Science


	

			Oh, Forgive Us.
	
	The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout
the United States, from eigth grade through college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn a lot.

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	The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elswhere, so 
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

	The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

	Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's 
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

	Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks 
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also 
wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.

	Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.

	In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The govornment of Athens was democratic because people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

	Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls 
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

	Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Batle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be 
hanged twice for the same offense.

	In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.

	The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt 
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the 
church doorr at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another 
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

	The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a 
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.

	The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

	During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as 
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

	One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and
Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were 
barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the
War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

	Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by
rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

	George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under
the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

	Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. 
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, 
he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed
the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the 
Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the 
Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other 
innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the 
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

	Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable 
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called
Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly 
noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

	Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. 
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven
wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

	France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe
were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down
from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, 
she couldn't bear children.

	The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining
years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

	The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,
which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of
telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

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I don't remember any of that!! Maybe I shouldn't have slept so 
much in History class.

Mike