From: howard@sinoda.ultra.COM (Howard Simonson)
Subject: Something for everyone, a comedy tonight
Reply-To: howard@ultra.com
Organization: Ultra Network Technologies
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 02:54:33 GMT

Being the jovial guy that I am, and after the month long flame fest of epic
proportions we've all been enjoying, perhaps its time for a bit of comedy?
(Actually, I usually skip to the last paragraph of a good "variance" posting :)

Back around Easter when I was in Reno last (yeah, I know, blasphemous gambling
on Easter, but, its OK, I'm Jewish! :), I picked up one of the local rags,
the Reno Gazette-Journal I believe, and happened across the following article,
excerpted without permission, but with full credit:

Items from the Reno Gazette-Journal, April 16-22, 1992
Headline: Sometimes, gamblers can say the craziest things
"Dealer's Choice" column, by Janne Hanrahan
Bio: Janne is a free-lance writer & has been in the gaming industry for 9 yrs.

``Call me insensitive, call me depraved, but I get a kick out of the dumb
things people say and do.  I even get a kick out of the dumb things I say
and do (of course, those kicks are usually administered by someone else).

And I'm not alone-- its by popular demand (both of my best friends!) that
I present this latest collection of funny stories, dumb questions, and
smart remarks.  However, in the interest of fairness, this time I'll start
with a story starring me as the idiot.  Here goes:

One night I was calling a craps game where the shooter was an exceptionally
bad shot.  Every time he threw the dice, they either went off the table,
landed on the rail or  bounced off someone's face.

"Hey, buddy-- get'em down the middle, will ya?" I hollered in the dulcet
tones I always employ on a craps game.

"Sorry," the guy answered.  "It's just that I have a hard time shooting with
my left hand."

"So?" I decided to use logic.  "Shoot with you're right hand."

"Well... OK," the shooter agreed.  "But you're probably not gonna like how
I pick them up."  With that he lifted his right arm above the level of the
table and displayed-- yep, you guessed it-- a large metal hook instead of a
hand.  Oy.  Such embarrassment only my enemies should know.

But at least one of the sweethearts I work with leaped to my rescue as
everyone else cracked up.  "She can't help it, sir," he explained helpfully
to the shooter.  "She's blond."

OK.  Ha-ha.  Now can I tell some stories about dumb things other people have
said and done?

Not long ago, I was dealing craps on a game where and older man had a large
bet on the number 10.  When the stickman called "six," the man began shouting
that he wanted to get paid.

"The stickman called a 10!" he shouted.  "Pay me!  I heard him say 10!  If he
SAID 10, I should get paid!"  The stickman unsuccessfully tried to explain
that six rolled, not 10.

"No!" he shouted.  "I HEARD you say 10!"  At this point, the boss intervened
and patiently explained that some numbers sound alike and that it's easy to
mistake one for the other.

"Aw, shut up," the old man snapped.  "I can't hear a word you're saying-- I
haven't got my hearing aid in tonight."

Sometimes a player can hear the stickman perfectly well and still have no
idea what he said.  One night a nervous, timid woman shooting dice for the
first time rolled a losing "craps" number on the first roll.

The stickman, in traditional fashion, urged her to "apologize" (in craps
talk, this simply means "roll a winner next time").

But the woman's eyes filled with tears as she looked around at the
other players.  "I'm sorry everybody," she said.  "It's just that I've
never done this before, and I'm not sure how to make a winner come up."
The roar of laughter that greeted this apology sent the poor lady
scurrying off to bingo, from whence she came.''

**********************  Now back to the studio, live, with Howard...

There's some more little beauties in the article, but that seems enough
for now.  It there's sufficient interest (i.e. mail me), I'll post some
more.  At least this article has some craps content to balance things out
in this newsgroup :).  [ I should talk, with a sig. like mine... :]
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||  / /|\ \  |____________________________________________|        of dice.
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