From: anon-1318@twwells.com (Free Amazon)
Subject: holiday *spoiler*
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 07:47:09 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

I've been having alot of trouble with feeling safe wrt asar lately. I 
tried to write a post on group dynamics to start a discussion about how 
to fix that (for me) but I don't want that thread to get mixed up with 
this one. I felt stronger yesterday than I do today. So I'm asking that 
you be careful with responses to this post. I'm feeling very fragile 
right now. Everything has turned inside out.

I remember when I was a kid everybody wanted to be thin. I was thin and 
had trouble keeping my weight up enough to stay healthy but I was envied 
for my build. I would try to explain that I had trouble eating. Few 
people understood. They were often dieting and couldn't hear me. I now 
know why I was having eating problems, possibly for the same reasons 
that some of my acquaintances who were dieting had eating problems. Why 
am I saying this? I guess I have a problem that I am afraid will get the 
same response.

Here's the thing. My life is changing. It seems on the surface to be 
changing for the better. Work is going well, finally. The work 
atmosphere is safe and caring, for the first time ever. I enjoy it alot. 
I don't have many problems with necessities. I am stable in my physical 
environment. I have extracted myself from relationships that weren't 
good for me. I have time and space to be alone and explore who I am 
without interference. So I have space and nature abhors a vacuum.

What's filling the space is dealing with my abuse. I thought I was doing 
ok with it until yesterday. I wrote to my mother. She's the only family 
left who can validate any of my memories. I asked her to write to me. I 
asked her to support me and protect me now. I find that I'm terrified. I 
am terrified she will indeed help me remember more. I think I could even 
handle that. But I hadn't considered what I'd do if she was actually a 
good mother if I told her what I needed and how to give it to me. I 
don't know if I can handle that. I want to push her away, not out of 
anger but out of fear. Fear that I'll hurt so bad I'll die. I can't deal 
with all the lose and grief without my defenses. I can't get my defenses 
back because I've had to shed them to start to remember and heal(?) All 
the old tricks don't work anymore.

But that wasn't what pushed me over the edge. I had read here that 
adopting a 'good' family might be a healthy thing to do, especially 
around the holidays. I know of only one such family and I haven't been 
able to let myself get close to these very special people. They're 
people I can trust, they care about me as much as I've let them, they 
love their kids and their parents. All the things I know nothing about. 
I had this fantasy of going to Thanksgiving at their home. It scared me 
so bad I made plans to spend Thanksgiving with my iguana, watching the 
parade and taking some of the holiday suggestions of turkey for one. In 
other words, I was going to hide and stay safe.

I was invited to Thanksgiving at their home. I couldn't say no because I 
wanted to go so much. I cried for an hour I was so touched. Then I 
freaked totally. I couldn't stop crying. I must have been having flashes 
of things but I don't quite remember. It was as if I was washed over 
with fear and grief and loss. I was terrified I would go and start 
crying and not be able to stop. And then everything would be ruined, 
even my fantasy.

I wanted to kill myself to stop the pain. I didn't understand this 
feeling because, for me, suicide was always a passive feeling. Always 
'I'm too tired to keep on' or something, but never 'I've got to stop 
this pain'. I managed to pull up enough to go to bed.

Then, of course, I had nightmares. I almost never remember my dreams. I 
try very hard not to. This one was so invasive. I was institutionalized 
against my will. That's always been a big fear of mine and it's been 
suggested and rejected but never forced. I was trapped in this place and 
they took away the things that keep me safe. I had two roommates, two 
women, (my mother and my sister would probably be a good interpretation)  
In the course of the dream they tried to escape and I never saw them 
again. They were dead. I knew that. All I had was their clothes. I 
wanted to escape. I didn't want to die but I wanted out so bad I was 
willing to try even if I died. A friend was trying to help but it wasn't 
getting me out. I woke up feeling trapped.

I guess I expect people to feel things like 'I wish my mother would do 
that' or 'it would be nice to be cared about enough to be asked to 
Thanksgiving dinner'.

But I feel like an open wound. Like everything that's been protecting me 
has been stripped away and I'm naked and raw. I am afraid to go, afraid 
not to go. Afraid to be touched where I hurt so bad. I feel like I'd be 
crushed by the weight of so many years of feelings that I can't seem to 
stop.

I know the 'safe place' techniques and I'm not very good at it. Imagery 
only helps me when I'm not desperate. I'm not going to kill myself so 
you don't need to tell me to stick around and I'll feel better and this 
is good progress. I know all the words and I don't believe it deep down 
right now. I believe it for everybody else but not for me. I just don't 
think I can stand to be hugged for real because I don't think the tears 
would ever stop.

I hate this!



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