From: kgatling@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Keith E Gatling)
Subject: Re: "Missing out" (was. re:  Justin...)
Organization: Manlius Pebble Hill School; Dewitt, NY
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 08:46:23 EDT

Anne Paulson mentioned a bit about how we're dealing with feelings and not
logic here, and also how all feelings are valid.  I'll save space by not
re-displaying everything she said, at the risk of getting some of it
slightly wrong.  She also mentioned something about feeling disappointed if
the birth experience was not everything you had hoped it would be.

And now I'll once again don my flame suit, because I'm pretty sure that as a
guy, I'm gonna get toasted for even thinking of saying this.

When Cheryl and I were planning our wedding four years ago, we saw two
things that stuck in our minds.  The first was something on one of the
pamphlets the priest gave us that said "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a
lifetime."  The second was something that said, "If you expect your wedding
day to be the most perfect, happiest day of your life, then you are in for a
lifetime of disappointment."  While both of them stuck with us, I think the
second one had a bigger effect (although it's quite possible that it's only
another way of saying the first thing).  The second one says that if you
believe that your wedding day is going to be the happiest day of your life,
then you're expecting everything to be all downhill from there.  I think
we'd all agree that that's a ridiculous way to look at things.  I think that
we'd all agree that even if some things went wrong during the wedding, down
the line we'd realize that it only made the day more interesting and gave us
great stories to tell later on.  But to be disappointed if things didn't go
exactly as planned.  Oh sure...it may be a "valid feeling," but is it a
realistic expectation?

It's the unrealistic expectations that get us in trouble when things don't
go exactly as we wanted them to.

And what does all this wedding stuff have to do with birth stories?  A lot.
Just change the first saying to "A birth is a day, a child is a lifetime,"
and which comes out as more important, whether or not you were awake to push
the kid out or how well you nurture and bring up that child?  Likewise, if
you change the second one to "If you expect the day you give birth to be the
most perfect, happiest day of your life, then you're in for a lifetime of
disappointment," then it almost looks as if the kid is anticlimactic.

Realistic expectations is the issue here, and those realistic expectations
can have a great effect on our feelings.  Why do so many women have the
feeling that if they were out during labor or got any kind of pain relief,
that it doesn't count?  Where did they get this from?  How many women
would've been perfectly happy to be out during the whole thing, but were
subject to intense peer pressure from *some* members of the "Oh, but you
just have to have the experience" group.  Hey, I'm a big chicken when it
comes to pain...I don't like being constipated.  Cheryl is also a big
chicken, and she has absolutely no apologies about wanting as much pain
killer as they can give her when the time comes.  The important thing to her
is the kid...not the birth experience.

I don't know that I agree that all feelings are valid...in fact, I know I
dont...I don't think that hate is a good feeling.  I do think that you can
change your feelings...if you consider what are reasonable expectations, and
I have to wonder if the people who feel so bad that they "missed" the whole
birth experience had unreasonable expectations.

Okay...let the flames begin!

--
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* Keith E Gatling                                  kgatling@mailbox.syr.edu *
*          Opinions?  I've got plenty of them.  Just ask my wife!           *
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