From: nittmo@camelot.bradley.edu (Christopher Taylor)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Steven Wright Quotes
Date: 26 Jan 93 21:01:53 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Bradley University


STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES

	--- big picture ---

	A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
	entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
	"Wish you were here."

	I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

	It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

	Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

	--- banks ---

	I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
	said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

	I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
	much time.

	--- museums ---

	I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
	the statues that are in all the other museums.

	I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
	Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.

	--- restaurants ---

	I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So
	I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

	I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
	buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
	kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
	to it.

	There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
	in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

	--- stores ---

	I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything
	specifically.

	I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked
	me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

	I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The
	clerk said, "ten-four."

	I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
	supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
	said "compact cars".

	I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
	there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
	sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
	row."

	I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
	ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
	I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
	medium."

	I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
	She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
	bought anything today.

	I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and
	I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

	There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
	Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

	I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
	the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
	different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

	--- appliances ---

	For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
	them in the same room and let them fight it out.

	Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I
	don't get it...

	I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

	I invented the cordless extension cord.

	--- telephones ---

	I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said,
	"Stephen, why haven't you called me?"  I said, "I can't call
	everyone I want.  My new phone has no five on it."  He said,
	"How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  my
	calendar has no sevens on it."

	I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
	someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

	Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
	"Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
	said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."  I
	said, "I'll wait."

	I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
	inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
	call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
	the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
	yesterday."

	--- apartments ---

	My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
	apartment somewhere.

	I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live
	above me are furious!

	All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
	designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
	the hall tried to rob a department store...  with a pricing
	gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
	marking down everything in the store."

	While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
	bedroom.  They put it in *exactly* the same place it was.  When
	I told my roommate, he said:  "Do I know you?"

	--- houses ---

	In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
	Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
	Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
	it out."

	Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
	wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
	who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
	it...  it feels real."

	In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
	above...  so I never have to go upstairs.

	One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
	flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
	took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
	lightning in my house.

	All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
	I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

	I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
	laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

	Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
	If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
	your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
	real quick.

	I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how
	I got there.

	I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
	in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
	weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

	My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
	neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
	out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

	The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
	with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
	around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
	He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
	I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
	"Get out of my driveway!"

	My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
	notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

	--- cars and driving ---

	For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  no
	place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
	running...  (slow glance upward)

	I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
	I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

	I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
	looks like I'm the only one moving.

	I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
	car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

	I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
	out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds
	*amazing*.

	I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
	earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

	I had to stop driving my car for a while...  the tires got
	dizzy.

	My neighbor has a circular driveway...  he can't get out.

	I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
	anywhere near the place.

	I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
	But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

	Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the
	driving...  every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to
	listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.

	I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
	people must be really tired.

	A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so
	fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an
	accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
	engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this
	thing?  This steers it."

	I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
	"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
	officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

	One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
	"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
	believe everything I read."

	I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
	Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
	and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you
	can go."

	The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your
	honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

	When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
	parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
	me if I'm leaving.

	Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  when I came
	back the entire area was missing.

	--- sleeping ---

	I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
	"Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
	She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
	hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
	of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
	"I thought I told you to go to sleep."

	I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
	means it's going to be up all night.

	When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
	sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

	I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

	One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
	satellite dish.  My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
	world.

	My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
	I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

	--- socks ---

	I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
	Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
	find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they
	were!

	I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She
	looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
	socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
	because I go by thickness."

	--- records ---

	I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
	on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
	could only stutter in Spanish.

	I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
	wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
	them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

	--- fishing ---

	Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
	dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

	There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
	looking like an idiot.

	--- dogs ---

	I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
	call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
	insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

	I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
	of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
	circles.

	The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
	the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
	afraid of widths.

	I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

	--- chemistry ---

	If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
	precipitate.

	(Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two
	parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!

	They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
	(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...  I like to live
	on the edge...

	I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

	--- childhood ---

	I was born by Caesarian section...  but not so you'd notice.
	It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
	window.

	When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
	closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
	practice.

	I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
	subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
	then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

	When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
	have any toy train schedules?"

	When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
	box.  I was an only child...  eventually.

	When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
	a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
	down the street on a purple wooden horse.

	When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
	stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
	learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
	direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.

	I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't
	find tractors small enough to fit it.

	My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
	birthmark until he was eight years old.

	My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked,
	I'm in the band."

	When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
	twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
	When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
	he didn't obey.

	Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
	beach...  it pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and
	say, "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your
	life!"

	My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
	later I can ask him what he meant.

	--- not-all-there ---

	You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
	asleep, you're reading, reading...  and all of a sudden you
	notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.

	Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
	go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
	instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.

	Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I
	think I've forgotten this before.

	Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my
	shadow.

	I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  it
	wasn't doing what I was doing.

	If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

	Four years ago...  no, it was yesterday.
	Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
	Sometimes I...  No, I don't.

	--- suicide ---

	I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...  I
	changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
	landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
	and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
	done."

	I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
	been serious because I brought a beach towel.

	--- books ---

	I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about
	everything.

	What's another word for Thesaurus?

	Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

	My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
	1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...

	I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.

	I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

	I wrote a few children's books...  not on purpose.

	--- miscellaneous one-liners ---

	After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
	Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
	I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
	I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
	I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
	I lost a button hole today.
	I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
	I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
	I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
	I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
	I took a baby shower.
	I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
	I was skydiving horizontally.
	I washed mud, off of mud.
	I'm so hyper...  (said with a very dull voice)
	If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
	If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
	My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
	"So, do you live around here often?"
	Women...  can't live with 'em...  can't shoot 'em.
	You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

	--- miscellaneous ---

	My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
	package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
	she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

	One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
	most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
	"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
	it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
	problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
	can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
	sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
	on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
	nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  by the way, my
	name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
	Goldstein..."

	I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
	me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
	where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
	few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
	we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
	know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
	got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then
	the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and
	said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven
	Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
	Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you
	have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
	attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
	you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I
	said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of
	the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
	weapon...  and I would appreciate it if you never called me
	again."

	The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
	rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
	a tree.

	I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
	boy, were they mad!

	The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
	Fred, Barney...

	I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
	act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

	It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
	temperature.

	I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
	locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
	Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

	I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
	on all the beaches of the world...  perhaps you've seen it.

	I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
	reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

	Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
	pretty good.  He could go under a rug.

	I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
	Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

	I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  the
	study of milkmen.

	He was a multi-millionaire.  Wanna know how he made all of his
	money?  He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
	put batteries in.

	I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a
	full house and four people died.

	A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
	go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
	ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

	I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
	went to the funeral in one car.

	My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.  I don't know how she did
	it, but she got poison ivy on the brain.  When it itched, the
	only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

	I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's
	called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
	Not Raking 'Til Spring."

	My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
	tour.  I said, "the whole time."

	It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
	they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

	The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
	twice.  Everything had two shadows.

	I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
	is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
	say, "I think I might have written that."

	When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
	any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

	Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
	behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
	teeth.  with braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
	when he walks under a bridge...  you can't hear him talk.

	If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
	their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
	and drop it?

	I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There
	was another sign below it that said "self service".  So I hired
	myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
	paid myself.  Then I quit.

	Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
	for a satellite picture.

	I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
	locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
	stepladder with a coathanger.

	In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
	roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

	I have a map of the United States...  actual size.  It says,
	"Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I
	also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it.

	Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
	he just whipped out a quarter?

	I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
	taller.

	I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
	infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
	lines on curved roads.

	This is my impression of a bowling ball...  (drags the mike
	along the floor, then lifts it)...  gutter...

	I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
	The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
	He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
	figured the game *he* was watching was better.

	I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
	him.  The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
	Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
	up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
	I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
	thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
	it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
	from George.
 
	Subject:  FAKE Steven Wright jokes	[original; edited]

	Here are my categories, with examples (his):

	ENGLISH:

	I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
	suddenly the prescription ran out.

	I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

	REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

	I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
	The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
	today."

	I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
	reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
	If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
	light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
	He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

	SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

	I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
	a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

	I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't
	notice until I got it set up.  People complained because they
	couldn't see the lake.

	WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

	When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
	age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
	I'll be ninety.

	Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
	much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

	IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

	I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
	time.

	It's a fine night to have an evening.

	Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

	SELF:

	I can't stop thinking like this.

	This isn't all true.

	You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
	get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
	that all the time.

	NAAAHH:

	I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

	Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

	TRIVIALIZATION:

	Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
	lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
	took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
	they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
	other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
	you think?"

	My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
	numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
	was.  You can guess what he told me.
	___________________________________

	These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:

	I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
	what to feed it.

	I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to
	a potluck.  I stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you
	want white cake or chocolate cake?"  I said, "Yes".

	My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if
	I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

	I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

	I had amnesia once or twice.

	I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

	I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a
	dollar bill to everybody on the list.

	My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go
	up the stairs.

	The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every
	morning.  The sky must get awfully crowded.

	I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm
	Narcissus.

	I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
	thinks he can get me five.

	You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
	in the mail, and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that
	all the time.

	How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

	The sky already fell.  Now what?

	I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.

	I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure
	enough, I couldn't see any forests.

	If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
	fan club?

	When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
	ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.

	If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
	think you're Shakespeare?

	Smoking cures weight problems...  eventually...

	I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet
	when you eat it.  Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
	falls on the floor.

	Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what
	for?"

	I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

	I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in
	only ten minutes.

	I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes
	bigger.

	I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch
	light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

	I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

	You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
	experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
	part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

	I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
	"What are you making?"  "A salt lick."

	There aren't enough days in the weekend.

	My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets
	have no doors.  The walls are covered with see-through
	wallpaper.

	Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put
	something on.

	The sky is falling...  no, I'm tipping over backwards.

	Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

	Is "tired old cliche" one?

	If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
	monkey?

	if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
	joke?

	It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

	When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
	two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

	The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to
	Les.

	Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.
	It told me it was none of my business.

	I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had
	to give it back.

	In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
	with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

	I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.

	I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.

	I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on
	microfilm.  By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

	Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on
	doughbolts.  They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they
	make erector sets out of play-dough.

	I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
	found spirit gum.

	I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not
	for sale."

	I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

	I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates
	New York.

	A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
	returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

	I had my coathangers spayed.

	I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it
	out, it was gone.

	The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
	Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.

	I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
	headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

	Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

	I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half
	of them.  Now I can ride a unicycle.
	___________________________________

	I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a
	spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore.  I got a
	blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

	Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
	Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

	I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
	thing.  Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
	miles late for his meetings.

	I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company.  All of the trees
	were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick.  We made paneling.

	Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I
	said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket."  She said, "I'll
	be the one drinking sake."  Turned out it was one of those
	biker-sushi places.  We never met.

	Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill
	for a thousand dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.

	Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said,
	"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never
	found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
	___________________________________

	I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX
	collect.

	What are imitation rhinestones?

	If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

	If God dropped acid, would he see people?
	___________________________________

	Subject:  not quite Wright...

	A metaphor is like a simile.

	Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

	I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

	It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
	exactly.

	The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is
	the hanging plant.

	At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
	dinner price if you eat less than you can.

	The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

	For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

	As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

	Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

	Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may
	wonder how it weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats
	another hummingbird.

	I bought a portable cable tv.

	Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon
	paper.

	I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
	anywhere.

	A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
	All they found was a pile of dust.
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