From: jfh@netcom.com (Jack Hamilton)
Subject: Rob Bernardo and Family
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 06:05:42 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

I originally sent a slightly different version of the material below to Arne 
in email.  I decided to expand on it a little and post it as well.  

The idea that people might become like family through email is something that 
I would never have thought of if I hadn't seen it happening.  It's natural,
in a way - we spend a lot of time together, even though it's not in person.

-----

I saw Rob once a quarter or so.  We traded email, usually disagreeing about
something, more often.  I spent last Christmas at his house, with some other 
people.  He had me and a few other people over for barbequed ribs a few months 
ago.  We weren't close enough to be called good friends, but we were more than 
just casual acquaintances. 

Rob is not the first person I have known who died of AIDS (nor is he likely
to be the last), but the experience with him was different that with the
others.  I've seen people die after long drawn-out illnesses where everyone 
had time to get used to the idea of death, and even to welcome it.  Others 
died without my knowing they had deteriorated.

When I went to see Perry George (former SFGMC member) in the hospital, it was 
like a party.  Yes, he was sick, but he was joking and carrying on.  When
he died, it was sudden.  I had talked to him on the phone the day before.
He tired easily, but he didn't seem to be on the verge of death.  I didn't 
see him in extremis. 

When my ex-boyfriend Bruce became ill, he pushed everyone away.  He 
didn't want anyone to see him sick.  I knew he was going to die, and I had
time to get used to it.  We had broken up several years previously, but I 
expected to have him around, in some way, for the rest of my life.  I still
miss him.

When I saw Rob, he was in bad shape.  He was in intensive care with all
kinds of tubes and wires hooked up.  He was on a respirator, which
occasionally made really dreadful noises.  I couldn't tell whether he even 
knew I was there.  That was the first time I've been present at the deathbed.
It wasn't pleasant. 

I ran into someone I know on the street today.  His lover had died in
April, and a very close friend had died in May.  He said that he still
catches himself saying "I can't wait to tell Mike about this - he'll think
it's really funny."  But Mike's not there anymore. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say.  I'm upset.  This isn't fair.  It was
Rob's *first* opportunistic infection, not that it would have been more
fair if he had died after his 4th or 5th.

Who do I blame?  People like Ronald Reagan and George Bush and Pete Wilson,
who ignored a health crisis because it affected gay men and drug users.
They wouldn't care if we all died, so they didn't push, or even allow,
research, education, or known effective treatments.  I can't wish anything
worse for them than that they get what they deserve for their callous
treatment of their fellow humans.  They are monsters (not that it takes the
AIDS crisis to prove that - they have shown their disregard for anyone who
isn't a well-to-do white male in dozens of ways). 

-- 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Hamilton   jfh@netcom.com   P. O. Box 281107   SF, CA   94128-1107
Newsgroups: soc.motss