From: tuff@ellis.uchicago.edu (Geoff Tuffli)
Subject: FICTION: Darkbeard
Reply-To: tuff@midway.uchicago.edu
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 23:41:23 GMT

Darkbeard	 msweeney@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu	    [ F I C T I O N ]


DARKBEARD THE PIRATE

Fiction:  A Week Full of Mondays

	The seas were calm and the sky was dark as the Cutthroat stole through
the once stormy waters.  All sails were up, yet the ship wasn't going that
fast... the fact that there were holes in the dark canvas didn't help much,
but in actual fact it was really the fault of the wind, or the lack thereof.
	Sitting at the front of the ship was a swarthy figure clad in black
cloths with dark patches of different colours spotted here and there.  He
wore a dark burgandy sash over his shoulders and otherwise sported a black
hat peaked at the top with a wide brim.  In his hand he held a curved short
sword, in his other hand, a leg of mutton.  Periodically he would use the
sword to sheer meat of the leg, then stick it in his mouth.  (the meat, that
is).
	Standing beside the dark man was a shorter, more youthful man...
hardly a man, actually, more a boy.  He wore dirty clothes which draped all
over his very slim body as rags on a ragpile.
	The first man stroked his beard.  "Arr, lad, be ye hungry?"
	The second looked up.  "Yes sir... very hungry indeed."
	The first man stroked his grizzled beard.  "Ye be a very slim boy,
wouldn't ye think Mikon?"
	The second nodded.  "Slim as a rail, Captain Darkbeard."
	Darkbeard pondered.  "I'd say more than twice as slim as me, wouldn't
ye say?"
	Mikon nodded again.  "Indeed... very slim..."
	Darkbeard grinned.  "Therefore... I'd say ye only have to eat half as
much as me, wouldn't ye say?"
	Mikon raised an eyebrow.  "You're the Captain..."
	Darkbeard grinned.  "Good... then I'll eat this time, and next time
we can both eat... that makes sense to me.  The deck needs a swabbin' get to
it."  Then the swarthy Captain went back to chewing on his mutton and picking
his teeth with his sword.
	Mikon obliged.
	Soon, the Cutthroat was sailing into the harbour at Khuryani Harbour,
located southwest of Uma Castle.  The flags were flying above the small craft
as it sailed through the mist.
	"Arrr, watch where ye park this thing," Darkbeard warned.  "Last time
I trusted ye with the dockings we got towed."
	"But sir... last time it was you who..."
	"Don't be talkin' back to me," Darkbeard warned.  He looked up to the
southwest, where somewhere in the mist there stood Uma Castle.  "I be
thinkin'' of Liaera..."
	"Aye, Captain?"
	
	"Indeed... do ye think she'd go for a scruff like meself?"
	Mikon sighed.  "Captain... I do very much doubt she'd go for a man
like you..."
	Darkbeard clubbed Mikon with the hilt of his sword.  "Ye weren't
supposed to say that... you're supposed to tell me ye think she would!"
	"But sir... she's so regal and beautiful... and you're but a
pirate..."
	"A WHAT???"
	"A pirate sir... rob from the rich, give to yourself..."
	"I've ne'er been so insulted."
	"But sir... truth is a virtue... all you ever worry about is booty...
and you are a scruff... look at yourself!"
	Darkbeard growled.  "Have you ever heard the expression, "The truth
hurts"?"
	Mikon shook his head.
	Darkbeard pounded Mikon in the head with the hilt of his sword five
times, until the small man was spinning around in circles.  "Well it does."
	Mikon groaned.
	"Next time, lie a little." the Captain recommended.
	The Cutthroat was soon docked at one of Khuryani's piers.  Darkbeard
and Mikon climbed the small summit to the top of the peak.
	Then Darkbeard stopped.
	Mikon nearly ran into him.  "What is it, Captain?"
	"I smell something."
	"What?  The sea?  Your stinky underarms?"
	"I smell treasure."
	Mikon sniffed the air.  "All I smell is your breath."
	Darkbeard growled.  "Haven't ye ever heard to keep your ponderin's to
yerself?"
	They climbed some more until they reached a small unguarded building.
 They then crept inside, stole down the hall somewhat, and hid inside a small
closet just beside the door.
	"Now what?" asked Mikon.
	"Now... we wait."
	"For what?"
	"For whoever's gonna be walkin' up and down the halls to do so, so
that we can go!"
	"But sir..."
	"But what?"
	"But... you're saying, we'll wait until someone walks down the hall,
and then when they leave, we can go?"
	"Right... we'll wait for whoever wants to go walkin' up and down the
halls to get it overwith... then we can go!
	Mikon groaned.  "What if nobody comes?  We'll wait all night!"
	"Good point... okay, let's go!"
	Mikon waited for Darkbeard to walk.  But he stood stock still.
	"What is it Captain?"
	"Okay, we can go."
	"After you, then?"
	"No please, laddies first."
	"But you're the Captain!"
	
	"Hey, but weren't you the one that they said could see in the dark?"
	"Who said that?"
	"I just did."
	"Come on sir!  Where's the fearless leader spirit?"
	"I think I left it on me boat, want to go back?"
	Mikon groaned.  "Okay... if you won't go first... what if we go
together?"
	"Good idea!"
	"3... 2... 1... go!"
	No movement.
	"Nice try laddie."
	"Okay, for real this time.  3... 2... 1... go!"
	Darkbeard and Mikon started through the door.  Unfortunately, it
wasn't big enough for the both of them, and they slammed into the door frame.
 There was a loud THUMP!!
	"SHHHHH!!!"  Darkbeard hissed.
	Sooner or later, after both getting through the door, Darkbeard and
Mikon stole down the hall.  The walls were dark, though there were some
pictures spotted here and there that the two could make out.  One was of a
tall barn-type building, surrounded by piles of food.  Another was of farmers
working the fields.  Yet another was of a group of smiling men and women
standing by a fire.
	"Nice place," Darkbeard sneered.
	"Where's the main mint, Captain?"
	"Next hallway... I think."
	They next hallway was even darker than the first.  The two crept down
it... silent as could be... even Darkbeard's huge form made no sounds as he
snuck down the corridor in his thick, salty boots.
	"This is it!" Darkbeard whispered excitedly.  He pointed to his left.
 There was the door with the word "Mint" written on it in bold black letters.
	Darkbeard looked around.  "No guards!  Tonight's our lucky night!"
	"Why no guards?" Mikon pondered aloud.
	"I don't know... perhaps it's their day off!  Let's go!"
	Darkbeard took out his lockpick and started working on the door lock.
 There was a small clinking sound as the lock sprung open.  Darkbeard grinned
evilly and in he went.  Mikon followed.
	"Look at all these bags of money!" Darkbeard cheered.
	The inside of the mint was filled with tall bags filled as full as
they could be, and then tied up at the top.  Darkbeard grabbed two bags, and
Mikon grabbed two as well.  Then they stole away from the building, as fast
as they could go!  The bags were rustling inside as they ran... the money
could be heard scritching against the sides.
	
	"Imagine how much rum we can buy with all this dough!" Darkbeard
grinned.
	"Or how much beer we can buy at the Soti Bothark..."
	"ACK!"  Darkbeard spit.  "Beer... I hate beer!"
	"All you ever drink is rum, Captain!"
	"Rum is all I ever need."
	Mikon sighed.
	The two reached the ship.  The Cutthroat hardly even looked like
itself in the dark... the mist was shrouding the skull and crossbones flag up
top, and the walls were darkened by the cool fog.
	Darkbeard clambered on board and threw his bags to the side.  "Cast
off!"
	Mikon ran to the ropes and untied them quickly.  Then the Cutthroat
was sailing off to sea.
	"Eeep!" Darkbeard shrieked.
	"What?"
	"The steering column!  Someone stole it!  We can't steer!"
	"Steering columns at the back," somebody said.
	"Arrr, thank ye!"  Darkbeard grinned, and took to the back.  Then,
"waitaminute.  Who was that?"
	A tall man strode forward.  "My name's Kaeil, Captain of the
Seahorse."
	"And what ye be doin' on me ship?"
	"This is my ship, good sir... the Seahorse."
	Darkbeard looked up.  A flag of Uma was flying on the mast. 
Darkbeard screamed.
	Soon, the Seahorse, as well as Darkbeard and Mikon, caught redhanded,
was docked near Castle Uma.
	(Actually, only the Seahorse was docked... but anyways)
	And sooner than you could say "Antidisestablishmentarianism",
Darkbeard and Mikon were standing before... the Lady Liaera!"
	She sure looked beautiful.  She was wearing a long, flowing white
robe down to her ankles, with jewels of varied sizes on her wrists and
fingers.  Mikon's mouth dropped at her beauty.  After Darkbeard had finished
admiring all those gorgeous jewels and finally noticed the lady, his mouth
dropped too.
	"What's this I hear..." she began.  "Looting one of Uma's buildings?"
	"Er... not really," Darkbeard grinned.  "You see... I was... well...
we were... um..."
	A man walked in carrying the bags stolen from the mint.  "The
evidence, ma'am."
	Liaera walked over to one of the bags.  "And what do we have here?"
	"Oh... those!  Well... you see..."  Darkbeard groaned.  "Well..."
	Liaera ripped open one of the bags.
	A pile of mint leaves poured out.
	"Mint leaves?" said Liaera.
	"Mint leaves?!?" exclaimed Darkbeard.
	And indeed... Darkbeard and Mikon had not looted the mint... but a
room full of mint leaves!
	"Say madam..." Darkbeard began.  "Did I ever tell you you were
beautiful?"
	"I think you might have told me that last time I saw you... when we
caught you skulking around the main harbour."
	"Well... you are," Darkbeard grinned, showing his dirty teeth.  "A
real vision of loveliness."
	"Why thank you."
	"Indeed," Darkbeard went on, getting into it.  "I don't think I've
ever seen such an image of perfection... me heart stops."
	"How flattering."
	"Anyways... about these mint leaves...?" Darkbeard began.
	"Yes?"
	"Well... ye see... my laddie here likes to have a little mint with
his tea... and well, ye see... I figured... bein' it his birthday and all..."
	"Listen Captain," said Liaera.  "If I ever find you skulking around
Uma again I will make sure to it that you are punished!  Is that clear?"
	"Um... yes ma'am..."
	"I don't know why I put up with garbage from pirates like you..."
	Darkbeard jumped up.  "Pirate!  Well, I never!"
	Mikon poked Darkbeard in the ribs.  "Um...  careful there Captain..."
	"A sailor tries to make an honest business by hisself and gets blamed
for bein' a pirate... it's preposterous... I got me ship and me crew and not
much else and people like you who own castles and all start gettin' funny
ideas..."
	Liaera smirked.  "Go on..."
	And so the story ends... with Darkbeard off the hook once more... the
Cutthroat free to sail the open seas... and the world unsure of where the
dreaded pirate Darkbeard will strike again!

				T H E  E N D

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