From: peregrin@husc13.harvard.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Cruelty when breaking up
Date: 24 Jul 92 12:35:43 EDT
Distribution: na
Organization: Harvard Business School

>>I have a question.  How common is it when you break up with someone
>>(who supposedly was in love with you) that they then treat you very badly?

	Not uncommon.

>>I mean, if you honestly love the person, how can you allow yourself
>>to treat them so badly and ignorantly?  I can understand getting
>>very angry at the person (as I have felt that way), but why not
>>just sit them down and let them know that you are very upset with
>>them, *instead* of resorting to cruel, ignorant means of inflicting
>>some serious emotional wounds?

	Because (often quoted) there is a thin line between love and
hate.  Some people don't like to believe this because to them love is a
state of pureness one has reached and hate becomes a foreign emotion,
an emotion seen as purposeless and valueless.

	I am trying to get myself divorced right now (yep it is still
dragging out), and so I'm experiencing this right now.

> 
>>Does this have anything to do with "love" meaning different things
>>to different people?  Conditional love, etc.?  I find it hard to

	Yes, love does mean different things to different people.  People
reach different states in their emotional depth with one another, and
call it love.  To some, love is unconditional, almost a religious experience.
To some, love is more a practical matter, with boundaries, conditions,
and contingencies.
	Part of understanding a person is to understand what they consider
love to be.

>>swallow that my ex, who supposedly loved me, and whom I still
>>have deep feelings for (if not love), is capable of being so
>>incredibly ignorant to me.  Why is it so hard for her to put effort
>>into communicating with me, and easier instead for her to just
>>make me bleed?

	Often when people break up, they see the cost of the effort that
they expend.  Some people don't want to expend their energies your way
anymore.  They are now expending all their energy into reshaping themselves.

>>It really makes me feel let down as to what love means to other
>>people, and that maybe this woman's love was very flat and
>>conditional.  For some reason, I don't feel that I will be as
>>impressed next time I hear about how much someone loves me.
>>Is it only me?

	Hahaha.  Boy, I know what you mean.  But is necessarily a bad thing?
This remains to be seen in your life (and in mine).

	It may mean that you will be more aware of the power of labeling.
Putting the label of "Love" onto your relationship all of a sudden adds
all sorts of hidden wishes and expectations that both people may not have
realized.

>> I'm not one to be cynical, but this hasn't 
>>had the greatest influence on me.  I'm going to have to 
>>flush the negative impact out of my system, and I could use
>>some help! 

	Lots of fiber. :-)

-James
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| James Peregrino                        |       peregrin@hbsstg.harvard.edu |
| Programmer/Analyst                     |       PEREGRIN@HULAW1.BITNET      | 
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