From: egl1@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Elizabeth G. Levy)
Subject: Halcion Days
Reply-To: egl1@cunixf.cc.columbia.edu (Elizabeth G. Levy)
Organization: Columbia University
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 00:02:43 GMT

HALCION DAYS
by Douglas G. McGrath
[excerpted w/o permission from TNR, 10/5/92]

Friday, August 21

Crisco is back as chief of staff.  Ms. Tutwiler threw a welcome back
barbecue for him where they had burgers and dogs and burned Mr. Skinner's
personal things.  But after that, it was back to business.  And Crisco is
tough!  Starting today, the vice-Shrub can only be let out of his office
with a key that Crisco wears on a chain inside his pants.

He convened a meeting to discuss polls.  Mr. Teeter said the Shrub is in
trouble because people want change.  The Shrub said, "Hey, we're golden!
Didn't I change my position on taxes and abortion? Didn't Bar and I
change our residence so we don't have to pay any federal every April 15?"

Mr. Teeter said he meant that people want an outsider.  The Shrub got
that pinched look and his voice cracked as if he were going to cry.  "But
Teet-head," he said.  "I _am_ an outsider!  Where do you think I'm always
playing golf?"  Crisco told the Shrub to go work on his thank-you notes.


Sunday, August 23

Crisco has unveiled his 50-Day Save the Shrub plan.  A couple of pages
fell loose in the car, and Banks and I took them so we could see if
Crisco's as good as they say.  Here are some highlights:

Day 1: Fire the bulk of Skinner's staff.  Let the surviving staff know
that low morale was what got the other people fired.  That should get
morale up.  Then call media and leak stories about how high morale is now
that I'm back.

Day 2: Leak to the press that Clinton's bus is a Dodge.  This will revive
the draft issue in people's minds.

Day 3: Follow up to make sure media's getting what they need for stories
about the indispensable job I'm doing.  Staff should stress that I am
drafting an important new domestic agenda so they will have plenty of
time to tell media that this is a nearly impossible situation but I'm
doing my best.  If I have to come back in '96 to finish the job the right
way, so be it.

Day 4: Send Quayle to visit coma ward.  Have him refuse to answer
questions because he doesn't want "to wake anyone up."

Day 5: See if Quayle's ready to drop off ticket yet thanks to all the
trouble he's caused with his coma remark.

Day 6: Have president reveal part one of our new plan, "Heaving Off Our
Economic Yoke" (HOOEY).  He should announce some kind of a jobs-creation
program.  What about announcing a play to get unemployment down by
counting the people who are getting unemployment checks as being
employed?  They spend a long time in an office filled with incompetents
before they get their check. That sounds like employment to me.  (If this
doesn't fly, leak that it was Darman's idea.)

Day 7: There's been so much attention given to that nauseating story
about Al Gore saving his son who was hit by a car.  What if we had
someone from the CIA disguised as a driver hit Neil Bush with a car?  And
the president could rescue him?  (Actually, once you've been involved in
the S&L scandal, people _want_ you to be hit by a car.  Maybe it's better
if we hit one of the little brown ones?)  The president could rescue him,
someone could video tape it, and the president could say, "This is what
I'm going to do with the U.S. economy starting January One, Term Two.
I'm going to pull it from underneath the wheels of the Democratic
Congress and put it back on the road to recovery."

Day 8: Send Quayle to Africa for funeral of dignitary.  If no dignitary
died, tell him to wait.

Day 9: Any thought on how we might get Clinton's mother to endorse us?

Day 10: Have Millie write a book, "What The Clintons' Cat Told Me."  Have
the cat be named Gennifer.  Have Clinton spend more time with Gennifer
than with Hillary.

Day 12: Have another hurricane, and this time the president should
respond immediately.  Have all staff refer to him as the
"On-Top-Of-The-Hurricane-Situation President."


Sunday, September 13

That Crisco is unbelievable.  This is day twelve.  And a hurricane hit
Hawaii.  Supplies hit the ground almost before the rain did. If he can
schedule and spin hurricanes, maybe he really _can_ save the Shrub.  I
sure hope so.  How can you not like a guy who writes you a thank-you note
every time you dislodge a Double-Stuff Oreo from his wife's throat?




--
"I was trying to figure out which of my friends were hedgehogs, and which
were foxes...."
"Shakespeare wrote _King Lear_, NOT _King Leo_...."
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