Newsgroups: rec.sport.hockey
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 17:42:09 -0400 
From: Anna Matyas <am2x+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Scathing hockey article


I'm posting the following article not because I think there's cause
for alarm about Cleveland's minor league hockey team or because I
think the writer is the god of hockey (I have no idea who he is) but
because many people unfortunately echo his sentiments.  Since many
of us are concerned about the image and marketing of the league, I
thought you may find this article as sadly amusing and stupid as I did,
particularly because it's perhaps not a minority opinion.

(Thanks to Tom Sullivan for providing this article.)

Mom.

Reprinted without permission from "SPORTSCOMM (Cleveland's Only All Sports
Newspaper!" (October 7-20, 1992)  Free!"

lumberjacks fever not exactly running rampant
(by barry goodrich)

  not to be outdone by the whiners and prima donnas in professional
football, baseball and basketball, cleveland's minor league hockey owner
is already miffed at the city's hockey fans.
  all 507 of them.
  larry gordon owns the cleveland lumberjacks, a team you may or may not
have heard about.  after all, there have been a lot of good repeats of
roseanne on tv lately, and many folks have already started raking the
leaves on their lawns.
  a crowd of 4,265 showed up for a national hockey league exhibition
game between the pittsburgh penguins and the edmonton oilers at the
coliseum the other night.  if you ask me, that's about 3,000 more than i
would ever have expected.  but we'll talk about that later.
  gordon was deeply disturbed by this turnout.  after all, he said,
great players like mario lemieux, kevin stevens and tom barrasso played
in the game.
  i know all about super mario and that gretzky guy.  but kevin stevens?
tom barrasso? were they on "comic strip live" last week?  they could be
a couple of accountants for all most people know.  [Mom note: I doubt
Kevin Stevens could be an accountant.]
  gordon went on to say the game should have drawn at least 7,500 fans. 
remember, this was an exhibition game.  a HOCKEY exhibition game.
  sure, they could have drawn 7,500 fans.  they could have given away
free browns jerseys or indians caps.  aretha franklin or huey lewis
could've belted out a few tunes after the game.  you could've held a
ross perot rally and drawn more people.
  i have a problem with mr. gordon complaining about people not
attending a hockey game in cleveland during a time of year when football
and baseball are being played.  he'll have plenty of time to complain
about nobody going to minor league hockey games when the pro bowlers
tour is the hottest thing around.
  a crowd of 3,264 shwed up for the lumberjaacks' international hockey
league exhibition game against the cincinnati cyclones.  we are told
this will become a rivalry to match the browns and the bengals.
  but who expects to live that long?
  we haven't had hockey in cleveland for quite some time now, and
there's good reason for that.  nobody cares about it except people who
are out on parole.
  if you think the waterheads in the dawg pound are dangerous, yhou
should see the visigoths that populate a hockey crowd.  we're talking
about people who would toss their grandmothers on the ice to stop a
breakaway.  albert belle would not last very long on a hockey team. 
it's one thing to have a baseball thrown at you.  quite another to be
diced by a hockey stick.
  anybody who says they attend a hockey game to take in the crisp puck
handling, fancy passing and breathtaking strategy of a power play is
handing you a bill of goods that would mebarrass a used car salesman. 
hockey is gangs on ice, pro wrestling with helmets.  the only time a
referee calls a penalty is when a player loses two or more major organs.
  how are the lumberjacks promoting their new team to prospective fans? 
a radio ad says: "in football, it's called unncessary roughness.  in
basketball, it's a technical."  guess that it is in lumberjacks hockey?
  well, they really didn't come right out and say it, did they? it would
be uncouth to sell organized fighting as a sport, wouldn't it?
  if i want to see a good fight, i'll go down to the flats on st.
patrick's day, try to cut in the line at bernie shulmans, or turn off
the ohio state-michigan game at the varsity club in columbus.
  what else does hockey offer?  goals you never see scored, for one
thing.  icing the puck, which occurs when the puck crosses either the
blue line, red line, clothes line or the mason-dixon line.  and tie
games, which are not nearly as fun as kissing your sister.
  the best thing about hockey used to be that you would never have to
watch it on tv.  but espn has stepped in to resolve that.
  every year, cleveland hosts some kind of trumped-up hockey game and
draws a lot of fans.  in the past these games have usually pitted the
u.s. against the soviet union.  now the ussr is gone, replaced by the
edmonton oilers.
  "we need hockey in cleveland," scream the punkheads year after year
after year.  well, you've got it now, and your team owner already
worries about how many people are going to the games.
  perhaps they can give way zambonis at the coliseum.  perfect for
getting through those rough cleveland winters.
  the only things i want to see on ice are peggy fleming and vodka.
-------------------------
this article is accompanied by a cartoon of a big, ugly, partially toothless
player whacking the head off of a smaller player.

please excuse typos.  i just can't bear to read this one more time.





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