From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #128
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: Farewell to '92
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1992 05:04:19 GMT


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Number 128       *******                   ******************************
28th of       ********                   *******************************
December    *******                     ********************************


                         Farewell to ninety-two
                         What a funny year it's been
                         With Windsor castle burnt to a crisp
                         And taxes for the Queen

                         While Charles and Di untied the knot
                         Anne re-tied her rope
                         But Fergie and that Texan guy
                         Just wanted a quick grope

                         America showed how it loved
                         To be ruled under Bush
                         Now all George can do is say
                         About the Contras, "Shhhh!"

                         Spaniards went Olympic mad
                         With all the usual stuff
S                        While much to Dan Quayle's dismay
o                        Murphy got up the duff
,
                         This state got a new gov'
w                        And I don't want to be rude
h                        But it now looks like we all have
a                        Been well and truly screwed
t
                         Batman flew, and flopped again,
w                        The Pope went under the knife
i                        Custard readers went without
l                        While I married my wife
l
                         They said the recession would end
h                        But they were wrong again
a                        Jobs down, deficit up
p                        *AND* those bloody late trains
p
e                        The USSR fell apart
n                        Toxikistan free at last
                         Yugoslavia tried the same trick
i                        Which was a complete blast
n
                         A Korean sect thought the world
'                        Had reached the apocalypse
9                        The troops arrived in Somalia
3                        And even shut up peaceniks
?
                         It's been a year both good and bad
W                        But don't despair, you see
e                        For all in all it can't be worse
l                        Than nineteen ninety-three!
l
        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
h
o                                       WARNING!
w                               DO NOT READ THIS NOTICE

s       People who read this notice will be burnt alive in a cauldron of
h       boiling oil, cut up into little pieces and fed to the alligators. But
o       first, we'll torture these people. We'll be really nasty. We'll call
u       them names. We'll subject them to endless poetry. And when they're
l       really really sick of that, *then* we'll burn them alive.
d           No! First, before we're really nasty to them, we'll be really nice
        to them, just to make the nastiness that little bit more nasty. We'll
I       give them cakes. We'll take them for picnics in the country. We'll give
        them big parcels with fluffy teddy-bears inside. And *then* we'll be
k       really nasty to them.
n           But wait! Before we're really nice to them, we'll be impartial to
o       them! We'll ignore them mercilessly. We'll pretend to be interested in
w       what they're talking about, but actually pay no notice whatsoever.
?       We'll contradict them, interrupt them, agree and then contradict them
        again all in the same sentence. And *then* we'll be really nice to
-       them.

I       - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
'
m       MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 9

n       Inspector Sideburn had a name. Jake. It wasn't *his* name, it was a
o       name he'd picked up in a pub toilet. Normally he protected himself
t       against picking up things in toilets, but in this case, it was a name
        he'd been looking for. Inspector Sideburn, you see, was hunting the
b       culprits of an armed robbery which had been committed what seemed like
l       a lifetime ago. And probably was. So, as the author munched his way
o       through yet another Toblerone, Sideburn knew that this name would be
o       handy.
d           The name "Jake" was, Sideburn postulated, connected to the surname
y       "McGiggin". Jake McGiggin was a well known person of criminal
        tendencies, which in Sideburn's book, made him a villain. McGiggin was
N       also owner of McGiggin's Rock Quarry ("We Love Getting Our Rocks Off").
o       So Sideburn decided that he should go and discuss his suspicions,
s       beliefs, worries, personal problems and possible solutions with
t       McGiggin. Man to man. Or, allowing for suitable police back-up, man to
r       man with half-a-dozen heavily armed colleagues. And he didn't mean
a       fellow police officers with thick elbows.
d           When Sideburn got to the quarry with his henchmen err colleagues,
a       he found Mr McGiggin, and sat him down in the obligatory darkened
m       office with one piercingly bright lamp to have a little chat. In fact
u       Sideburn had brought along with him a special police van equipped with
s       such an office. The Intimidating Room Module was a recent police
,       development which had revolutionised interviews.
            "Well Jake. I hear you've been up to a thing or two."
a           "Err... yeah. Well, you know, I *did* buy a new dinner set for my
m       mother-in-law's birthday. But I didn't think that was a criminal
        offence no more, Mr Sideburn."
I           "Shut up Jake. Now just listen. Stop playing games. Put the chess
?       set away. I wanna know about the robbery."
            "Robbery? What robbery?"
            The interrogation err interview carried on like this for several
        dozen more paragraphs. But as luck would have it, the readers were
        spared of this, and picked up the story just as Sideburn left the
        quarry, without a confession, without any evidence, but with a rather
        bad mood, which he relieved by kicking the police station cat when he
        got back.
            He had to admit it - he just couldn't crack this case. It had him
        bewildered. There were less leads to this case there were leads in a
        pet shop at the end of "Take Your Dog For A Walk" week.
            There was only one solution. One which would be predictable to
        those readers more acquainted with the ways of these pathetic stories.
        Call in the experts. They'd solve it. The pros. The Australian Royal
        Security Establishment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, Popsicle finally makes an appearance
next week in Toxic Custard! But I still
wouldn't recommend holding your breath
until then, because you'll suffocate. For
details about subscriptions to this drivel
mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |  Good luck for the New Year, and try not to
Melbourne, Australia------------|  get squished during the after-Christmas
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|  sales. Also try to avoid falling through
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |  glass doors, being trampled on the
                                   escalators, but above all, GET THAT BARGAIN!
-- 
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
            Melbourne Australia |          POPE GETS GRIT IN MOUTH!
   daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |
      TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |                                    [TCWF]