From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Killefiles ** SPOILER ALERT **
Date: 26 Jan 93 18:11:00 GMT
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk

[This deals with why I use a killfile, it was intended as a private 
email to Doug, but I think you all need to know why I did it so you 
see that I have my own now-not-so-private reasons for doing it. If 
you don't think you can deal with the core dumpings of an abused 
person then please don't read on....]


Killfiles are seen by some to be an act of violence against another 
net.person. My use is as a self protection mechanism:

Let me explain:

I have no objection to anyone in this group, not Doug, nor the 
Chatsubo-types that occasionally make a foray into the group, I post 
and interact with other people, it's not my place to judge or make 
judgements about others. *HOWEVER* a trick I learned in 
alt.sexual.abuse.recovery was to killfile people who consistantly 
caused me pain -- sometimes because their stories (and subsequent 
core dumps) were too close to my experiences (and they *HURT*), I 
know that it'll never stop hurting me, but as I go down the path of 
healing I develop newer and better ways of dealing with it.

Doug -- that kind of cynicism is almost exactly like the behaviour 
one of my abusers used to build a power-base over me, he used it for 
his own ends and you can all see the results in previous postings. It 
was too close to a memory, you were saying "you respond as you see 
fit"?, similarly I reserve the right to deal with my own memories in 
my own way and my own time. At all times I am aware that it is *you* 
Doug saying these things and when I am stronger I can pull your 
messages out of the killfile archive and place them back in the 
thread where they rightfully belong -- but until then I am too weak 
to really face up to those memories your mannerisms inadvertantly 
throw up -- it would be the same for any other patron here. I have to 
deal with memories in a way that will not cause me to have another 
breakdown.

Anyone that has seen me go through an abuse flashback (two people 
here -- one a lurker) will have seen me "frown" just before the image 
hits my consciousness -- sorry I was being obtuse there. Hence 
Tanais' "frown" wrinkling across his forehead -- character acting 
gets in the way... As a vulpiform, Ro'Jiro Tanais was remembering the 
abuse inflicted on him as a cub. It's a technique I've been using to 
make sure I can get at memories that have been so deeply buried  that 
I (as Clive) can't dig out. Have you read Anne McCafferey's "Pern" 
books? Where the Thread hits the earth and burrows deep? That's like 
all my memories between the ages of 6-10. As a Fox cub I approach it 
in a wholly different way. I also put "real" events into my 
net.persona so that I don't develop an unhealthy desire to *be* 
Tanais -- in case I create a character that had a "better" (or at 
least abuse-free) childhood than I.

I'm not looking and don't accept an apology from Doug because *he 
doesn't have to give me one*. It's not his problem, it's mine -- and 
I am dealing with it in the best way that I know how. Killfiles are 
an unfortunate name for my Offline Reader because I have an option 
set where "killed" messages are spooled off into their own files -- 
along with the home accounts software, dougs "killed" messages are 
also backed up so that I can read them when I'm stronger.

Tanais, sits down and plays with his tail. Nervous and anxious that 
he's got everything across the way it should be. He doesn't want to 
be kicked out of the Place for using a killfile. He just wants to 
"belong".


+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  ..    "When I grow up, I want to stop being a computer journalist|
| .OO.    and learn how to write."                                  |
| O/\O                                                              |
|  --                              Tanais - friend to all furkindred|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk | Bisexual knitter of quality since 1992|
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Newsgroups: alt.callahans