From: rhayden@oracle.com (Ronald Hayden)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Tips for coming out to friends?
Date: 27 Jan 93 21:18:57 GMT
	<93023.055143BURGER@QUCDN.QueensU.CA> <1jrdj1INNe5a@mizar.usc.edu>
	<1993Jan24.065752.2143@macc.wisc.edu>
Organization: Oracle Corporation, Belmont, Ca.
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In article <1993Jan24.065752.2143@macc.wisc.edu> anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess Anderson) writes:

   >It really isn't a big deal.  Oh sure, it seems like it's a
   >huge thing, but who the fuck cares any more?

   Well, the person who's asking for support in this instance
   has told us he's living with two clearly homophobic
   roommates who are already hassling him and he isn't even out
   to them.  So I would say he cares, and maybe with good
   reason.  I don't think you can in good conscience just advise
   a stranger across the country to throw all caution to the
   winds.  Doron has to live with the consequences of his
   actions, and since we can't promise to be there for him when
   the chips are down, I think he may know his local conditions
   best.  Fortunately, better support than he's been having is
   available in New Jersey, and I think he's starting to access
   it.

I agree -- Arne is giving VERY bad advice here, by projecting his
situation on the rest of the world.  Before giving advice, you always
stop and put it in the context of the other person.

A common scenario:  Person joins gay-rights march for the first time,
gets very excited and decides to stop hiding anymore.  Runs to a
payphone and calls mom, "Hi mom, I'm gay!"  Mom reacts in disgust and
bans him from the family.

Person is brought down EXTREMELY hard and goes from elation to
depression in 0.5 seconds, making future emotional problems quite
possible.  Certainly, because no groundwork was layed, it'll be a long
time, if ever, before this person can deal with his family in a
rational manner.

Myself, I've come out in a variety of ways.  But my biggest piece of
advice is:  The better the friend, the sooner you should do it.  My
greatest regret is going YEARS without overtly coming out to my best
friends.  They haven't reacted badly to this fact, but I still feel
very guilty for displaying this level of misplaced distrust.  In the
end, it was really MY problems that kept me from coming out sooner,
but my friends have no way of knowing that.

Anyway, My Experiences in Coming Out: There will be a Moment.  It can
be planned, or it'll just happen naturally -- it's the Moment when the
time is right to naturally bring it up.  Maybe this friend has just
mentioned the gays in the military situation, or Colorado, or
whatever.  You have to take the Moment when it arrives.  Take a breath
and say something along the lines of, "This really concerns me because
it effects *me*..."

After that:  I've found it best, if I've brought it out in a very
explicit manner, to immediately make it clear that I can be asked
*any* questions and I will, to the best of my ability, answer them.
And *no* question is silly.  If you're lucky, they'll grin sheepishly
and use this chance to ask whether you wear dresses or something,
and you can address those issues right away.  Don't let them continue
with their stereotypes.

I can't say what to do if they react badly, because I haven't really
experienced that.
--

  - Ronald Hayden

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   | Documentation Manager, Oracle Toolkit Group                    |
   | Co-chair of Oracle Lambda, Oracle's Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual group |
   | Writer, magician, and various other things                     |
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