From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Subject: Re: Various Questions about  4YO
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 00:40:22 GMT

In article <168A2C340.JFRAWLEY@SUVM.SYR.EDU> JFRAWLEY@SUVM.SYR.EDU (Judy Thomas Frawley) writes:
>I am not new to this newsgroup.  I unsubscribed for about
>a year because I was just too busy :-(.  But now, I have
>a little free time on my hands, and I have enjoyed reading
>the posts; particularly on the spanking issue.

Welcome back!
> 
>I have just a few questions.
> 
>1.  My daughter loves "Barney".  I bought her a Barney
>    doll for Christmas.  Because I am relatively poor
>    (I'm her sole source of income; dad does not pay
>     child support yet since there is no legal agrement -
>     that's not an issue here.), Barney will probably
>    be her main present from me with a few books and
>    some things in her stocking.
>    My mother called the other day to ask if I had
>    bought a Barney and to announce that she, too,
>    had purchased one.  I told her I thought she could
>    still return it and explained that I'd like to give
>    Barney to Hannah for Christmas.  Response:  You give
>    her yours first at your house and then I'll give her
>    mine and she can keep it at my house.
> 
>Okay, that seems fair, right?  Well, not to me.  I go
>through this every holiday with my mother.  Hannah is
>four years old, and it is getting very tiring.  I'm lucky;
>I've at least gotten through to my mother to *check* with
>me about something, but that doesn't stop her from doing
>what she wants most of the time.

Well, it sounds to me like your in a power struggle with your mother.  Perhaps
you should treat her as a child you are in a power struggle with.  Is it a
struggle that you are having because you have a need to win?  Or is it a battle
really worth fighting?  It sounds to me that you have more of a need to win 
than that this is a really worthwhile battle, but you have the right to need
to win.

So, if you DO need to win, then win!  Tell your mother that you are very upset
that she won't let you give your child the one present you think she wants
more than anything and that if she insists on ruining Christmas for you then
she can go all the way and you just won't bother to show up.  It is her choice.
She can ruin Christmas for you and tolerate the fact that you're going to
retaliate by not showing up, or she can take her Barney back and get Hannah 
the other female dinosaur companion and you will all have a wonderful Christmas
together.

There was a time in my life when winning was more important for my relationship
with my mother than whatever we were battling over.  It was important because
our relationship HAD TO CHANGE!  She has always honored my sister more than
me and so one time she was coming to town and had arranged the entire trip to
coordinate with my sister's schedule.  She never once asked if it was a good
time for me.  So when she got here, I told her she should have checked, that
I was busy, and I refused to even see her the whole week.  Yes I was being
childish.  Refusing to show up for Christmas is also childish.  But it may be
just the thing that gets the point accross.  In my case, the next time my mom
wanted to come to town, she called me first to see when it would be convenient.
It was a little thing, but it was important to me.

If this isn't that important to you, why don't you go buy Barney's stuffed
pal and let your Mom have the fun of giving Hannah Barney.  

It's a tough call and only you can make it.  But while you cannot control
your mother's behavior, you can control your own.  You don't have to just
let her do whatever she wants with your daughter.  
> 
>I don't have the energy to fight with her, but I feel
>angry about this.  My mother and I have been known to
>have very heated battles particularly where Hannah is
>concerned; I have spent much of the last four years
>explaining that *I* am Hannah's mother.  My mother had
>five kids, now it's my turn.  (My mother has been known
>to respond with "what" to my daughter's call of "mommy?")
> 

This is what makes me think it is time to take a stand.

>I have to fight enough with Hannah's father about Christmas
>because  he wants me to buy the expensive things that he
>claims he can't afford.
> 

Hey, you can't afford them either.  If that answer is good enough for him
to use with you, why isn't it good enough for you to use with him?

>Please help.  I feel pressure now to get something different
>for Hannah because my mother won't back down on this.  I
>could talk to my father, but that will just lead to an
>argument between my mom and dad.
> 
>Or, I can just drop it and leave the Barney doll my mother
>bought at her house.  That just doesn't sit well with me,
>but it would help keep the peace.
> 

Choose your battles carefully.  

>2.  Hannah goes to fast food restaurants with her father, and
>    I just don't feel they are appropriate all the time.  I
>    have told her that she can go once a week and eat Arby's
>    or McDonald's, but that we cannot eat there  everynight.
>    Her father also lets her stay up much later than I feel
>    is appropriate.  He likes to stay up and watch t.v. with
>    her rather than  take time away from his t.v. viewing
>    to put her to bed.This week, she has requested to
>    watch a movie that her father let her stay up and
>    watch the first part of.  She and I decided that
>    she would go to bed early last night and tonight and
>    then she could watch the movie.
> 
>    I don't really want to control whathappens in her
>    father's  house because I can't do much about it.
>    BUT, I would like to figure out a way for her to not
>    get so confused between the diversity in our parenting
>    styles.
>    Does this kind of compromise sound  favorable?
> 

Dr. T. Berry Brazleton thinks that children can adjust to different parenting
styles even in the same house.  I tend to agree since my husband and I have
very different styles and we actually live in the same house.  The kids don't
seem to have any trouble recognizing they can get away with murder when Mom
is around, but better toe the line with Dad.  They have no difficulty with
that at all.

>I want to have a household where everyone is respectful of each
>other's needs.  Hannah has needs, mommy has needs, and we need
>to talk about solutions.  I have the added burden of dealing
>with the difference between mommy's house and daddy's house, and
>I wonder if I am doing the right thing by acknowledging the
>difference and doing things that make Hannah likes and do not
>really bother me to compromise on.
> 

It sounds to me like you're doing great!  And you have my utmost respect
because parenting is hard enough with the love and support of a spouse.  It
must be so much harder without that other person to say "good job" or just
to take over when you can't cope any more.


-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake
Newsgroups: misc.kids