From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  1/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:11 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

        In article <1992Aug12.141822.15111@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov>
          mmjimm@luna.lerc.nasa.gov (Jimmy Gonzalez) writes...

JG>A few months ago somebody posted a huge list of messages for
  >an answering machine. I'm planning to get mine and I would
  >like to have some ideas to create a good and bizarre message.

1
  "We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the tone, please leave
  your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number
  and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

2
  "You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
  Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the
  tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll
  launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice day."

3
  "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave
  a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."

4
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*!  He made us say things...do things...he kept us
from answering the phone!  But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name
and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!"  <BEEP>

5
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello.  I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can
you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I
knew you could." <BEEP>

6
Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt:  No, you're incorrect.  It's definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool.  I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
        with that frying pan?!?
  BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

7
"Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?"

8
        "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

9
        "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

10
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
     1:  Room 17, the final frontier.
     2:  These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.  Its 2 semester
         mission:  to seek out your name and your telephone number.
     3:  To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

11
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim.  Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your
mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a
brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.

12
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.

13
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away.  Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."

14
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In
a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At
the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your penance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>

15
        Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
        Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

16
A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message.  In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."

17
     I worked for a bit in the coast guard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
phone ne with:
    " Epicenter of the Universe, God speaking."
    " Hartland home for lost whores."  (that was Hartland CG)
    " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
    " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
        T minus one minute and counting"

     And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out.  With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
     "Star ship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
     "Vancouver coast guard, may I help you."  British long distance rates are
phenomenal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

18
This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs:
<Phone Rings>

Noisy pick-up of phone

Uh...<whisperingly> Hello?

Hi, I 'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it.  Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

19
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!
>>> Continued to next message
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