From: mbfarah@isluga.puc.cl (MIGUEL BRAXTON FARAH)
Subject: HOLY GRIAL 03/05
Organization: Pontificia Universidad Catolica de Chile
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 12:32:34 GMT


---------------begin part 3--------------8<---------8<----------------

   GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room
   we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
   and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile
   enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
   the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.  He nods to them stiffly once
   or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
   He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Good evening ... Ah, Zoot!  Er ...
|
|                              DINGO
|      No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh.  Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
|
|                              DINGO
|          (very dramatically)
|      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Er, why?
|
|                              DINGO
|      She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
|      stay for ever!
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Oh ... will you excuse me?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Where are you going?
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
+
+                              DINGO
+      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      What is it?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting fire to our beacon,
+      which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ...  It is not the
+      first time we've had this problem.
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      It's not the real Grail?
+
+                              DINGO
       Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
       penalty.  And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
       ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.  Come!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking!  A spanking!

                               DINGO
       You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
       may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

                               AMAZING
       And spank me!

                               STUNNER
       And me.

                               LOVELY
       And me.

                               DINGO
       Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking.  A spanking.  There is going to be a spanking tonight.

                               DINGO
       And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, dear! Well, I...

                               GIRLS
       The oral sex ...  The oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

   At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
   possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
   form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Sir Galahad!

                               GALAHAD
       Oh ... hello ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Quick!

                               GALAHAD
       Why?

                               LAUNCELOT
       You are in great peril.

                               DINGO
       No he isn't

                               LAUNCELOT
       Silence! Foul temptress!

                               GALAHAD
       Well, she's got a point.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We'll cover your escape!

                               GALAHAD
       Look - I'm fine!

                               GIRLS
       Sir Galahad!

   He threatens DINGO.

                               GALAHAD
       No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

                               GIRLS
       Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

                               GALAHAD
       No, really, I can cope.  I can handle this lot easily!

                               DINGO
       Yes, let him handle us easily.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No sir.  Quick!


   He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

                               GALAHAD
       No, please.  Please! I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred.

                               GIRLS
       He will beat us easily.  We haven't a chance.

                               DINGO
       Oh shit!

   By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
   area and are running through the outside door.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.

                               GALAHAD
           (dragging his feet somewhat)
       I don't think I was.

                               LAUNCELOT
       You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       It's too perilous.

   They are right outside the castle by now.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, no, we must find the Grail.

  The thunderstorm is over.  A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with
  more MEN waiting.  Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away
  with their coconuts.  GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       No.  It's unhealthy.

                               GALAHAD
       ... I Bet you're gay.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, I'm not.

   GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as
   they ride off.

                               VOICE OVER
       Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
       temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
       of their search for the Holy Grail.  Only Bedevere and
       King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
       any progress.


16  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION

    ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind
    SOOTHSAYER.  He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.

                               ARTHUR
       And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak,  he has seen the grail?

   The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of
   this encounter.

                               ARTHUR
       Where does he live?
           (he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)
       Old man ... where does he live ...

                               SOOTHSAYER
       He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

                               ARTHUR
       And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

   The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

                               SOOTHSAYER
       There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
       of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

                               ARTHUR
       But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

                               SOOTHSAYER
       Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

                               ARTHUR
       The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

   The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly.  They look down and he is
   gone.  They stand up.  Suddenly behind them is a noise.  They turn sharply
   in the door of the little hut is a cat.  It miaows and is gone. They
   slowly back out of the hut.  As they touch the doorposts they just flake
   away into dust.  The whole hut is rotten.  It collapses

   Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of
   people moving in the forest around them.  They start to back cautiously
   away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them. They
   turn in fear and:

   Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

                               TALL KNIGHT OF NI
       Ni!

   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear.  PATSY rears up with coconuts.

                               ARTHUR
           (to PATSY)
       Easy ... boy, easy ...

   ARTHUR peers into the darkness.

       Who are you?

                               SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS
       NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!

   An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his
   shoulders) walks out from the dark trees.  He is extremely fierce and
   gruesome countenance.  He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are
   wazzing like mad.  (Salopian slang, meaning very scared.  almost to the
   point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
   prior to a postering.  Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
   praeposters.  Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

                               ARTHUR
           (wazzed stiff)
       Who are you?
                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

                               BEDEVERE
       No!  Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       The same!

                               ARTHUR
       Who are they?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are the keepers of the sacred words.  NI ... Peng ... and Neee
       ... Wom!

                               BEDEVERE
       Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

                               ARTHUR
           (to the TALL KNIGHT)
       Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers.  We seek the
       Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       NI!

                               ARTHUR
           (recoiling)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       NI!   NI!

                               ARTHUR
           (he cowers in fear)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

                               ARTHUR
       All right!  What do you want?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We want ... a shrubbery!

                               ARTHUR
       A what?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Ni!  Ni!  Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

   The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

                               ARTHUR
       All right!  All right! ... No more, please.  We will find you
       a shrubbery ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       You must return here with a shrubbery or else ...  you shall
       not pass through this wood alive!

                               ARTHUR
       Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni!  You are fair and just.  We will
       return with a shrubbery.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       One that looks nice.

                               ARTHUR
       Of course.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       And not too expensive.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Now - go!

   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Ni!  Ni!

   Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.


17 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade.  His WIFE, who has been
   kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade.
   They bend over her HUSBAND.  One takes out a notebook.

   CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"


18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY

   A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle
   window.  His FATHER stands beside him.  He is also looking out. The
   PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

                               FATHER
       One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

                               PRINCE
       What - the curtains?

                               FATHER
       No!  Not the curtains, lad ...  All that ...
           (indicates the vista from the window)
       all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and
       valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...
       that'll be your kingdom, lad.

                               PRINCE
       But, Mother ...

                               FATHER
       Father, lad.

                               PRINCE
       But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

                               FATHER
       Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing.  All I had when
       I started was swamp ...  other kings said I was daft to build a
       castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em.
       It sank into the swamp.  So I built a another one ... that sank
       into the swamp.  I built another one ...  That fell over and THEN
       sank into the swamp ....  So I built another ... and that stayed up.
       ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in
       this island.

                               PRINCE
       But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

                               FATHER
       Rather what?

                               PRINCE
       I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

   MUSIC INTRO

                               FATHER
       You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

   Music stops.

       Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to
       a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

                               PRINCE
       I don't want land.

                               FATHER
       Listen, Alice ...

                               PRINCE
       Herbert.

                               FATHER
       Herbert ...  We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all
       the land we can get.

                               PRINCE
       But I don't like her.

                               FATHER
       Don't like her?   What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful ...
       she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

                               PRINCE
       I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to  have ...
       a certain ... special ... something ...

   MUSIC INTO FOR song.

                               FATHER
       Cut that out!

   Music cuts off abruptly.

       You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
       Guards!

   TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door
   One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout.

                               FATHER
       Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until
       I come and get him.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

                               FATHER
       No.  Until I come and get him.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

                               FATHER
       No ...  You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       ... and you'll come and get him.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
       That's Right.

                               FIRST GUARD
       We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
       entering the room.

                               FATHER
       Leaving the room.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Leaving the room ... yes.

                               FATHER
       Got it?

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

   FARTHER makes to leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Er ... if ... we ... er ...

                               FATHER
       Yes?

                               FIRST GUARD
       If we ... er ...
           (trying to remember what he was going to say)

                               FATHER
       Look, it's  simple.  Just stay here and make sure he doesn't
       leave the room.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
       Right?

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

                               FATHER
           (carefully)
       No ....  keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, yes!  we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
       to leave and we were with him.

                               FATHER
       No ... just keep him in here.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Until you, or anyone else ...

                               FATHER
       No, not anyone else - just me.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Just you ...

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Get back.

                               FATHER
       Right.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Okay.  Fine.  We'll remain here until you get back.

                               FATHER
       And make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       What?

                               FATHER
       Make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       The Prince ... ?

                               FATHER
       Yes ...  make sure ...

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh yes, of course!  I thought you meant him!
           (he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)
       You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when
       he's a guard ...

                               FATHER
       Is that clear?

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
      Oh, yes.  That's quite clear.  No problems.

   FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow.

                               FATHER
           (to the GUARDS)
       Where are you going?

                               FIRST GUARD
       We're coming with you.

                               FATHER
       No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave
       the room until I get back.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, I see,  Right.

   They take up positions on either side of the door.

                               PRINCE
       But, Father.

                               FATHER
       Shut your noise, you,  and get that suit on!

    He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair.  FATHER throws one last
    look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.

    The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window.
    MUSIC INTRO to song ...

    The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in.

                               FATHER
        And no singing!

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
           (as he goes out.)
       Go and have a drink of water.

   FATHER slams the door again.  The GUARDS take up their positions. The SON
   gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes him
   ... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales
   it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow
   out of the window.

   He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly.


15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY

   CUT TO the middle of the forest.  SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with
   a trusty servant, CONCORDE.

                               LAUNCELOT
       And ... o v e r ...  we go!

   He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (enthusiastically)
       Well taken, Concorde!

                               CONCORDE
       Thank you, sir, most kind ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       And another!

   CONCORDE misses a beat.

       Steady!  Good ... and the last one ...

   CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts.  He does the break for the
   leap ... there is a thwack.  SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse to land.

                               CONCORDE
       Message for you, sir.

   He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Concorde - speak to me.

   He realises he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ...
   when he notices the note.  He takes it out and reads it.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (reading)
       "To whoever finds this note -
       I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry
       against my will.  Please please please please come and rescue me.
       I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."

   SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration.

                               LAUNCELOT
       At last!   A call!  A cry of distress ...
           (he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE)
       Concorde!  Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

                               CONCORDE
       I'm not quite dead, sir ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (a little deflated)
       Oh, well ... er brave Concorde!  You shall not have been fatally
       wounded in vain!

                               CONCORDE
       I think I could pull through, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.

   He makes to leap off dramatically.

                               CONCORDE
       I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished
       this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

                               CONCORDE
       Really, I feel fine, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Farewell, Concorde!

                               CONCORDE
       It just seems silly ... me lying here.

   SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest.

20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY

   Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram:
   "H & L".

   TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on their
   right spears.  We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music.

   We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps.  The TWO SENTRIES are watching him. One of
   them raises his hand.
|
|                              FIRST SENTRY
|      Halt, friend ...
|
   LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and
   hacks him to the floor.  Blood.  Swashbuckling music (perhaps).
   LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming.

                               SECOND SENTRY
       Hey!

   He looks down at his mutilated comrade.


21 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard.

   in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving.
   Converging on a doorway.  A country dance in progress.

   SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them.

   CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking
   right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way.

   He fights his way through the country dance.  Blood.  Shrieks. Bemused
   looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise.

   Possibly Errol Flynn music.

   One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand.

   Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his
   way through the door and into the main hall.


22 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO interior of main hall. Sound of busy preparations. MEN setting
   up huge hogsheads of wine.  MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements.
   COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's
   head, etc.

   The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS. FATHER ordering SERVANTS
   around - organizing the STEWARDS etc.

   SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically,
   hacking, wounding and killing.  Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS.
   We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc.

   SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and
   into a small door.


23 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase.  He reaches the door
   of the PRINCE's room.  he flings it open.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Ah!  Now ... we're not allowed to ...

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through, grabs his spear and stabs the other
   guard who collapses in a heap. Hiccoughs quietly.

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE,
   averting his head.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot,
       from the Court of Camelot.  I have come to take you ...
           (he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away)
        away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

                               PRINCE
       You got my note!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well ... yes ...

                               PRINCE
       You've come to rescue me?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ...

                               PRINCE
           (his eyes light up)
       I knew that someone would come.  I knew ... somewhere out there ...
       there must be ...

   MUSIC INTRO to song.

                               FATHER
           (suddenly looking in the door)
       Stop that!

   Music cuts out.

   FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

                               FATHER
       Who are you?

                               PRINCE
       I'm ... your son ...

                               FATHER
       Not you.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (half standing self-consciously)
       I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

                               PRINCE
       He's come to rescue me, father.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (embarrassed)
       Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

                               FATHER
       Did you kill all those guards?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Yes ...  I'm very sorry ...

                               FATHER
       They cost fifty pounds each!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ...
       I can explain everything ...

                               PRINCE
       Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot.  I've got a rope here all
       ready ...

    He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room
    He  looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready.

                               FATHER
       You killed eight wedding guests in all!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

                               FATHER
       I can understand that.

                               PRINCE
           (half out of the window)
       Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

                               FATHER
           (to his SON)
       Shut up!
           (to LAUNCELOT)
       You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

                               FATHER
       Didn't mean to?  You put your sword right through his head!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Gosh - Is he all right?

                               FATHER
       You even kicked the bride in the chest!  It's going to cost
       me a fortune!

                               LAUNCELOT
       I can explain ...  I was in the forest ... riding north
       from Camelot ... when I got this note.

                               FATHER
       Camelot?  Are you from Camelot?

   The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill.

                               PRINCE
       Hurry!

                               LAUNCELOT
       I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

                               FATHER
       'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

                               LAUNCELOT
       Is it?

                               PRINCE (out of vision)
       I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

                               FATHER
       Do you want to come and have a drink?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh ... that's awfully nice.

                               PRINCE (OOV)
           (loud and shrill)
       I am ready!

   As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife.
   there is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away
   as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

                               LAUNCELOT
       It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited
       and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

                               FATHER
       Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own
       that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

   He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door.


24 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO the great hall.  GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead
   and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is
   holding her chest and coughing blood.
   People dabbing the stains off her dress.

   FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase. Talking
   to each other.

   One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT.

                               GUEST
       There he is!

   As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the staircase,
   muttering angrily.  SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword.

                               FATHER
       Hold it!

   But it is too lake.  SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped.  With fearless abandon
   he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing. He has
   carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop him and pulls him back
   onto the stairs.  Renewed groans and cries.


                               FATHER
           (shouting above noise)
       Hold it!  Please!
                               LAUNCELOT
       Sorry!  Sorry ...
           (with bitter self reproach)
       There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away ...
       I'm ever so sorry.
           (to the CROWD)
       Sorry.

   CROWD kneeling round their wounded again.  Moans etc.

                               GUEST
       He's killed the best man!

                               SECOND GUEST
           (holding a limp WOMAN)
       He's killed my auntie.

                               FATHER
       No, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
       Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ...  We
       are here today to witness the union of two young people in
       the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.  Unfortunately, one
       of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

   Murmurs from CROWD;  the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.

       But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ...
       so much as gained a daughter ...

   Smattering of applause.

       For, since the tragic death of her father ...

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       He's not quite dead!

                               FATHER
       Since the fatal wounding of her father ...

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       I think He's getting better!

   FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side.  The SOLDIER
   slips off.  FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice
   came from.

                               FATHER
       For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to
       recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him.

   A scuffle at the back.

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       Oh, he's died!

                               FATHER
       I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her
       old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense.

   Applause.

       And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union
       between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot
       of Camelot ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       What?

   Gasp from the CROWD.

                               CROWD
       The dead Prince!

   There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms.

                               CONCORDE
       He's not quite dead!

                               PRINCE
       I feel much better.

                               FATHER
       You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

                               PRINCE
       I was saved at the last minute.

                               FATHER
       How?

                               PRINCE
       Well ... I'll tell you ...

   MUSIC INTRO to song.  CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod
   "and now a number from my friend" pose.

                               FATHER
       Not like that!

   But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing.

                               CROWD
       He's going to tell.

                               FATHER
       Shut up!

                               CROWD
       He's going to tell ...

                               FATHER
           (screaming)
       Shut UP!

    As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives
    up.  SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      We must escape.  Quickly before the song.
|
|                              CONCORDE
|      Come with me, sir.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.
|
+
+                              CONCORDE
+      Quickly, sir, come this way!
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      No!  It's not right for my idiom.  I must escape more ... more ...
+
+                              CONCORDE
+      Dramatically, sir?
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Dramatically.
+
                               CROWD
       He's going to tell
       He's going to tell
       He's going to tell about his great escape.
       Oh he fell a long long way
       But he's here with us today
       What a wonderful ... escape.

   CONCORDE goes.  SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope
   of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a
   swashbuckling manner towards a large window.  He stops just short
   of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...
+

25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK

   Toothless old CRONE by the roadside.  ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
   ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.

                               ARTHUR
        Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?

   The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.

                               CRONE
       Who sent you?

                               ARTHUR
       The Knights Who Say Ni!

                               CRONE
       Aaaagh!
           (she looks around in rear)
       No!  We have no shrubberies here.

                               BEDEVERE
       Surely, there must be.
|
|  ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (aside)
|      It will be not good to argue.  These simple people are terrified
|      of the Knights Who Say Ni!
|
|                              CRONE
|          (she cowers)
|      Ohhh!
|
|  ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      There is only one way to get the information we want ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Send her a letter from a long way away?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Er, no ... no, we must ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Talk to her in funny voices?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (slightly crossly)
|      No ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      How about trying ourselves to a tree?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (grittily)
|      No.  Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of
|      the awful Knights Who Say Ni!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (sagely)
|      Ah!  Hit ourselves with a big rock ...
|
|  He nods knowingly.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (tolerantly but firmly)
|      No.  Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as
|      what we can do to her ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Ah!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We must threaten to say "Ni"!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (terror)
|      Oh, no.
|
|  They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.
|
                               ARTHUR
       Listen, old crone!  Unless you tell us where we can buy a
       shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"

                               CRONE
       Do your worst!
|      I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night.  I have herd the
|      hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still
|      I have not revealed ...

                               ARTHUR
       Very well, old crone.  Since you will not assist us voluntarily
       ... "Ni"!

                               CRONE
       No.  Never.  No shrubberies.

                               ARTHUR
       Ni!

                               BEDEVERE
       Nu!
-----------------end of part 3----------8<----------8<-----------

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