From: xexeo@dxcern.cern.ch (Geraldo Xexeo)
Subject: Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
Organization: CERN European Lab for Particle Physics
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 17:51:38 GMT

In article <spaf-emily_711614927@cs.purdue.edu>, spaf@cs.purdue.EDU (Gene Spafford) writes:
> Original-author: brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
> Archive-name: emily-postnews/part1
> Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by brad@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton)
> 
> 
> **NOTE: this is intended to be satirical.  If you do not recognize
>   it as such, consult a doctor or professional comedian.  The
>   recommendations in this article should recognized for what
>   they are -- admonitions about what NOT to do.
> 
> 
> 			"Dear Emily Postnews"
> 
> 	Emily Postnews, foremost authority on proper net behaviour,
> 	gives her advice on how to act on the net.
> 
> ============================================================================
> 
> Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@noisy
> 
> A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you
> can.  It's much more important than your article, of course, so try
> to have more lines of signature than actual text.
> 
> Try to include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of
> cute quotes and slogans.  People will never tire of reading these
> pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally
> associated with the joy each reader feels at seeing yet another
> delightful repeat of your signature.
> 
> Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each
> signature, to show how anybody can get mail to you from any site in
> the world.  Be sure to include Internet gateways as well.  Also tell
> people on your own site how to mail to you.  Give independent
> addresses for Internet, UUCP, and BITNET, even if they're all the
> same.
> 
> Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and
> organization.  It's just common courtesy -- after all, in some
> newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to
> the top of your article to see this information in the header.
> 
> By all means include your phone number and street address in every
> single article.  People are always responding to usenet articles with
> phone calls and letters.  It would be silly to go to the extra trouble
> of including this information only in articles that need a response by
> conventional channels!
> 				------
> Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my
> signature.  What should I do?  -- forgetful@myvax
> 
> A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an
> article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last
> article.  Here it is."
> 
> Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
> (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice,
> juicy signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care
> much more about the signature anyway.  See the previous letter for
> more important details.
> 
> Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article.  That
> way you're sure people will read it.
> 
> 				------
> Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another
> site.  What should I do? -- eager@beaver.dam
> 
> A: Dear Eager: No problem, just post your message to a group that a
> lot of people read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get
> mail through so I'm posting it.  All others please ignore."
> 
> This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
> over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their
> collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of
> checking through Usenet maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just
> think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 30,000 other
> computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance
> for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost as much as a
> few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
> 
> And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
> money distributing the message then for you to have to waste $9 on an
> overnight letter, or even 29 cents on a stamp!
> 
> Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
> so post it as many places as you can.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What about a test message?
> 
> A: It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
> merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put
> "please ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that
> everybody always skips a message with a line like that.  Don't use a
> subject like "My sex is female but I demand to be addressed as male."
> because such articles are read in depth by all USEnauts.
> 
> 				------
> Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
> should I do?
> 
> A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on
> believing that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be
> the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No
> time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
> somebody else has made the correction.
> 
> And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're
> the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to
> inform the whole net right away!
> 
> 				------
> Q: I read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."  What
> should I do?
> 
> A: Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
> dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your
> postings are much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be
> a waste to reply by mail.
> 
> 				------
> Q: I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
> summarize.  What should I do?
> 
> A: Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and
> post that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people
> read all the replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.
> Do the same when summarizing a vote.
> 
> 				------
> Q: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I
> do?
> 
> A: Include the entire text with your article, particularly the
> signature, and include your comments closely packed between the lines.
> Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article looks like a
> reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
> point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling
> and lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
> 
> Be sure to follow-up everything, and never let another person get in
> the last word on a net debate.  Why, if people let other people have
> the last word, then discussions would actually stop!  Remember, other
> net readers aren't nearly as clever as you, and if somebody posts
> something wrong, the readers can't possibly realize that on their own
> without your elucidations.  If somebody gets insulting in their net
> postings, the best response is to get right down to their level and
> fire a return salvo.  When I read one net person make an insulting
> attack on another, I always immediately take it as gospel unless a
> rebuttal is posted.  It never makes me think less of the insulter, so
> it's your duty to respond.
> 
> 				------
> Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?
> 
> A: Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.
> After all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who
> suggest you should only use groups where you think the article is
> highly appropriate.  Pick all groups where anybody might even be
> slightly interested.
> 
> Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
> that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure
> you expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in
> the header, since some people might miss part of the valuable
> discussion in the fringe groups.
> 
> 				------
> Q: How about an example?
> 
> A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
> the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think
> rec.sport.hockey would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be
> interested.  This is a big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it
> belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well.  If you are a news admin, or
> there is one on your machine, try news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
> 
> The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.geo.fluids.
> He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are
> also interested in stars.  And of course comp.dcom.telecom because he
> was born in the birthplace of the telephone.  And because he's
> Canadian, post to soc.culture.Ontario.southwestern.  But that group
> doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be
> created.  With this many groups of interest, your article will be
> quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well.  (And post to
> comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there, and a "comp"
> group will propagate your article further.)
> 
> You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
> group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some
> newsreaders will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't
> tolerate this.
> 
> 				------
> Q: How do I create a newsgroup?
> 
> A: The easiest way goes something like "inews -C newgroup ....", and
> while that will stir up lots of conversation about your new newsgroup,
> it might not be enough.
> 
> First post a message in news.groups describing the group.  This is a
> "call for discussion."  (If you see a call for discussion, immediately
> post a one line message saying that you like or dislike the group.)
> When proposing the group, pick a name with a TLA (three-letter
> acronym) that will be understood only by "in" readers of the group.
> 
> After the call for discussion, post the call for flames, followed by a
> call for arguments about the name and a call for run-on puns.
> Eventually make a call for "votes." USENET is a democracy, so voters
> can now all post their votes to ensure they get to all 30,000 machines
> instead of just the person counting. Every few days post a long
> summary of all the votes so that people can complain about bad mailers
> and double votes.  It means you'll be more popular and get lots of
> mail.  At the end of 21 days you can post the vote results so that
> people can argue about all the technical violations of the guidelines
> you made.  Blame them on the moderator-of-the-week for
> news.announce.newgroups.  Then your group might be created.
> 
> To liven up discussion, choose a good cross-match for your hierarchy
> and group.  For example, comp.race.formula1 or soc.vlsi.design would
> be good group names.  If you want your group created quickly, include
> an interesting word like "sex" or "activism."  To avoid limiting
> discussion, make the name as broad as possible, and don't forget that
> TLA.
> 
> If possible, count votes from a leaf site with a once-a-week polled
> connection to botswanavax.  Schedule the vote during your relay site's
> head crash if possible.
> 
> Under no circumstances use the trial group method, because it
> eliminates the discussion, flame, pun, voting and guideline-violation
> accusation phases, thus taking all the fun out of it.  To create an
> ALT group, simply issue the creation command.  Then issue an rmgroup
> and some more newgroup messages to save other netters the trouble of
> doing that part.
> 
> 				------
> Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to
> do?
> 
> A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the
> message that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that
> sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent
> messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.
> 
> 				------
> Q: How should I pick a subject for my articles?
> 
> A: Keep it short and meaningless.  That way people will be forced to
> actually read your article to find out what's in it.  This means a
> bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for.
> If you do a followup, be sure and keep the same subject, even if it's
> totally meaningless and not part of the same discussion.  If you
> don't, you won't catch all the people who are looking for stuff on the
> original topic, and that means less audience for you.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What sort of tone should I take in my article?
> 
> A: Be as outrageous as possible.  If you don't say outlandish things,
> and fill your article with libelous insults of net people, you may not
> stick out enough in the flood of articles to get a response.  The more
> insane your posting looks, the more likely it is that you'll get lots
> of followups.  The net is here, after all, so that you can get lots of
> attention.
> 
> If your article is polite, reasoned and to the point, you may only get
> mailed replies.  Yuck!
> 
> 				------
> Q: The posting software suggested I had too long a signature and too
> many lines of included text in my article.  What's the best course?
> 
> A: Such restrictions were put in the software for no reason at all, so
> don't even try to figure out why they might apply to your article.
> Turns out most people search the net to find nice articles that
> consist of the complete text of an earlier article plus a few lines.
> 
> In order to help these people, fill your article with dummy original
> lines to get past the restrictions.  Everybody will thank you for it.
> 
> For your signature, I know it's tough, but you will have to read it in
> with the editor.  Do this twice to make sure it's firmly in there.  By
> the way, to show your support for the free distribution of
> information, be sure to include a copyright message forbidding
> transmission of your article to sites whose USENET politics you don't
> like.
> 
> Also, if you do have a lot of free time and want to trim down the text
> in your article, be sure to delete some of the attribution lines so
> that it looks like the original author of -- say -- a plea for world
> peace actually wrote the followup calling for the nuking of Bermuda.
> 
> 				------
> Q: They just announced on the radio that the United States has invaded
> Iraq.  Should I post?
> 
> A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.
> It's the perfect way to inform people about such news events long
> after the broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably
> the only person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post
> as soon as you can.
> 
> 				------
> Q: I have this great joke.  You see, these three strings walk into a
> bar...
> 
> A: Oh dear.  Don't spoil it for me.  Submit it to rec.humor, and post
> it to the moderator of rec.humor.funny at the same time.  I'm sure
> he's never seen that joke.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What computer should I buy?  An Atari ST or an Amiga?
> 
> A: Cross post that question to the Atari and Amiga groups.  It's an
> interesting and novel question that I am sure they would love to
> investigate in those groups.  There is no need to read the groups in
> advance or examine the "frequently asked question" lists to see if the
> topic has already been dealt with.  In fact, you don't need to read
> the group at all, and you can tell people that in your query.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What about other important questions?  How should I know when to
> post?
> 
> A: Always post them.  It would be a big waste of your time to find a
> knowledgeable user in one of the groups and ask through private mail
> if the topic has already come up.  Much easier to bother thousands of
> people with the same question.
> 
> 				------
> Q: Somebody just posted a query to the net, and I want to get the
> answer too.  What should I do?
> 
> A: Immediately post a following, including the complete text of the
> query.  At the bottom add, "Me too!"  If somebody else has done this,
> follow up their article and add "Me three," or whatever number is
> appropriate.  Don't forget your full signature.  After all, if you
> just mail the original poster and ask for a copy of the answers, you
> will simply clutter the poster's mailbox, and save people who do
> answer the question the joyful duty of noting all the "me (n)s" and
> sending off all the multiple copies.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What is the measure of a worthwhile group?
> 
> A: Why, it's Volume, Volume, Volume.  Any group that has lots of noise
> in it must be good.  Remember, the higher the volume of material in a
> group, the higher percentage of useful, factual and insightful
> articles you will find.  In fact, if a group can't demonstrate a high
> enough volume, it should be deleted from the net.
> 
> 				------
> Q: Emily, I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net.
> I tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called
> for his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him
> fired.  Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
> 
> A: Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch
> computer experts who will understand the net, and your problems,
> perfectly.  They will print careful, reasoned stories without any
> errors at all, and surely represent the situation properly to the
> public.  The public will also all act wisely, as they are also fully
> cognizant of the subtle nature of net society.
> 
> Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
> like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well
> that they understand that all things on the net, particularly insults,
> are meant literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of
> the Holocaust, if possible.  If regular papers won't take the story,
> go to a tabloid paper -- they are always interested in good stories.
> 
> By arranging all this free publicity for the net, you'll become very
> well known.  People on the net will wait in eager anticipation for
> your every posting, and refer to you constantly.  You'll get more mail
> than you ever dreamed possible -- the ultimate in net success.
> 
> 				------
> Q: What does foobar stand for?
> 
> A: It stands for you, dear.
> -- 
> Gene Spafford
> Software Engineering Research Center & Dept. of Computer Sciences
> Purdue University, W. Lafayette IN 47907-1398
> Internet:  spaf@cs.purdue.edu	phone:  (317) 494-7825

-- 
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Geraldo Xexeo      |internet: xexeo@dxcern.cern.ch | "Cristo Redentor,    
CERN - PPE Division|bitnet:   gxexeo@cernvm.bitnet |  Bracos abertos sobre a
1211 Geneve 23     |decnet:   vxcern::xexeo        |  Guanabara...
Switzerland        |FAX:      (41) (22) 785 - 0207 |  Rio, eu gosto de voce!"
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