From: anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: is she or isn't she?
Date: 25 Jan 93 00:55:27 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9428


  whoami sez (with some lines  moved or deleted by Jazzman):

>
>The thing is, I just plain don't know if I was abused as a
>child or not.  Obviously, I wouldn't be reading or posting
>here if I didn't think maybe I was.....  Is it obnoxious of
>me to say that I find the NOT KNOWING to be the worst part?

No, not at all.  It was about the hardest part for me, too.  I felt
an immense sense of relief when I remembered.  It explained _so_ many
things that hadn't made sense through my life; I wasn't crazy -- my
response to abuse was _normal_ and the only way I knew to try to 
protect myself.   Of course, that's when the _really_ hard work started, 
but at least I _knew_ what I was dealing with.  It was brought into
sharp focus.

>At one point, about a year ago, I decided to try and forget
>the issue of "whether or not" and just assume I *was*, and 
>then proceed from there and try to heal.  This has been 
>helpful.  But I feel shame and guilt for maybe appropriating
>the pain that I may have no right to feel.

I think whether you know where your particular pain came from, 
it _is_ your pain and you _have_ the right to feel it. 

. . .

>Also, I was molested (raped, depending on your definition)
>at 16 --- once, by a stranger.
 
. . . 

>Pesky little rape thing from high school.....;-)

At 16, You were a Child.  You were raped or molested.
That _is_ childhood sexual abuse.  No matter who did it.  

There may or may not be other things you will remember, but I think
you are a victim of child sexual abuse.


>The wonderful support and caring I see in this group gives 

There is support and caring here, isn't there (I'm kinda new
here, myself)?
 
>me some courage to try and resolve this issue.  If you folks
>can deal with the things you've posted about, I can probably
>deal with whatever I may have been hiding from myself. 

I couldn't remember until I _was_ able to deal with all the
the "stuff", or that's how it felt, anyway.

. . . 

>I would like to hear something about other people's remembering,
>if they want to tell it.

It's still pretty painful to tell about my remembering, but stay
tuned; I'm pumping up my courage and the story will be here before
long.

>I can't ask anyone else to answer my
>question, but maybe I'll learn how to answer it myself?  Or
>is it appropriate here to talk about the other thing I mentioned
> . . . and
>get support?  

Yep.  Seems appropriate to me.


>Don't be put off by what may seem like lack of emotion in this
>post.  I have to keep it in, I can't let it out now, it would
>consume me.  Thank you for being here, really.

I walk around numb a lot of the time.  Emotionlessness is nnothing
new to me.


Jazzman



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