Newsgroups: alt.parents-teens
Subject: Re: starting a family young.
From: abel@vax.sonoma.edu (dan abel)
Date: 9 Apr 92 11:22:14 -0800
Organization: Sonoma State University

In article <1992Apr7.172659.5787@bsu-ucs.uucp>, 00rggraham@bsu-ucs.uucp writes:
> I have a confession.
> My girlfriend is pregnant.
> I am not ashamed.
> We are proud.
> We are keeping the baby, much to the dismay of my and her parents.
> Abortion never entered the picture.
> It is our decision. We will live with it.

You are adults, and it is your decision to make.  Parents can give 
advice, and you can choose not to take it.  Maybe your parents need 
to grow up (I mean that seriously, it is hard for parents to let 
go).  I wish you the best of luck, although you need more than luck, 
it will be very hard.

> We are not asking for support from either side and have decided that -- if it
> comes to it -- we will give the child up for adoption if our financial
> resources run out.

I ask you to reconsider, both for the baby's sake and for possible 
adoptive parents.  I feel very strongly that a child deserves to have 
the same parents, and it is better for the adoptive parents if they 
can start with a new-born child.  The adoption process is not quick, 
so I would advise making the decision before the child is born.

> We've spoken of marriage before.
> I believe that a child is a stronger bond of two people than marriage would
> ever be.
> Marriage is paperwork.
> Religious marriage ceremonies are preposterous and pompous.

Sometimes people dismiss stuff as "paperwork", and then find 
themselves in real trouble when the unexpected happens.  Marriage is 
a legally binding contract.  For historical and other reasons, 
ministers have the authority to perform marriages.  Those who don't 
want a minister can go to the county courthouse (or wherever) and get 
married.  It's not a nice subject to talk about, but if something 
happens to one partner, custody of the child and ownership of 
property comes into question.

Having children both strengthens and strains a relationship.  I have 
seen marriages break up once children arrive.
 
> Organized religion is a loss of individuality.
> We have been buying things for our house.
> We are now saving for our future.
> She is Baptist, I was raised Catholic.
> We both have grown beyond our original religions.

Religions come in different flavors and sizes.  I have seen two 
instances where people dumped their childhood religions, later found 
part of themselves missing, and then tried to re-invent the wheel.  
One is the minister of my church (he was raised as a Baptist and 
swore off organized religion when he could).  Maybe not now, but at 
some point you might want to get together with other people who have 
similar life-views, and share thoughts with them.  Maybe you don't 
want to call that organized religion.  That's OK with me.

> We see no need to get married now.
> Her mother's insurance would not cover her delivery anyhow if we did marry.
> We do not have enough money to pay for insurance, school, and the baby.

This sounds like a REAL GOOD reason not to get married at this time.  
The timing of my wedding was also financially related.

> I feel like I am ready for this.
> I used to not, but we talked to a woman at a counseling agency specifically
> about teen-pregnancy.
> We are a bit more confident now.
> It is difficult to be confident when parents are unsupportive.
> Remember that with your children.
> 
> Does anyone object to this situation?
> If so, why?
> 
As I said above, you are adults and this is your decision.  If this 
is what you want, then just do it.  If you are not sure, then think 
real hard about what will happen and what your alternatives are.
Xref: sparky alt.parents-teens:613 alt.child-support:1044