From: schan@birch.srg.af.mil (Stephen Chan x4485)
Subject: Re: Short review of Van Damme Movies
Organization: SRG, Arinc Research Corp., Annapolis, MD
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 14:25:48 GMT

In article <1992Nov12.114017.7497@samba.oit.unc.edu> Gordon.Wormser@launchpad.unc.edu (Gordon Wormser) writes:
>
>Can anyone provide me with short critiques of Van Damme's movies?  Thanks. 
>

	Okay, here's the reviews of the movies I've seen:

Bloodsport: revenge movie. short muscular guy with buggy eyes goes to Hong
	Kong, beds the babe, terminates the big ugly asian. He flexes a lot,
	shows off his rump for the ladies in the audience, bounces into a
	split and back out. Lots of jumping, spinning and overacting.
		VanDamme is nominally a ninjutsu guy (*snort* *chuckle*)

Cyborg: futuristic road warrior type movie. short muscular guy with buggy eyes
	goes on quest across a post holocaust land. he terminates a big ugly
	caucasian. He flexes a lot, shows off his rump for the ladies in the
	audience, bounces into a split and back out. The babe is an android, so
	he doesn't get any good luvin (or did he?) Lots of jumping, spinning
	and overacting.
		VanDamme is nominally something like a 21st Century Ronin Ryu
	Jujitsu guy.

Double Impact: revenge movie, but in stereo. 2 short muscular guys with buggy
	eyes are seperated at birth and raised in LA/Paris and Hong Kong
	respectively (obviously they have a french accent coded into their
	genes, because they both talk the same, despite the geographical
	difference). VanDamme-1 (VD1) is a tough HK hoodlum, with greased hair,
	and cigars. VD-2 is an LA pretty boy in silk underwear, who wears
	tights, and likes to flex and stretch for the ladies. Together, they
	go to Hong Kong to kill some kung-fu bad guys, and avenge their father.
	VD-2 gets some good luvin from VD-1's babelicious SO - with lots of
	wind and funny lights, too bad its only a jealous dream sequence.
		Oh yes, the big ugly asian from Kickboxer comes back, only to
	get terminated again by one of the short, muscular, bug eyed VD
	brothers (I can't remember which one was which unless he has a cigar
	in his mouth).
		VD-2 drops into a split and bounces out of it. Lots of jumping,
	spinning and overacting. VD-1 is a gutter fighter, so he doesn't do
	that split stuff, preferring to head-butt people. VD-2 is karate and
	ballet.

Kickboxer: Revenge movie. VD goes to Thailand to avenge his brother (who looks
	nothing like VD) against the Big Ugly Asian kickboxer. VD gets wasted
	by the B.U.A. and goes to the little old master in the forest who
	practices bad Taiji. VD taught to kick green bamboo trees, has big
	coconuts dropped on his rippling abs, and beds the babe. Butt exposure,
	splits, jumping, spinning, overacting. VD comes back from his spiritual
	MA training, and, to demonstrate his newfound purity, terminates the
	BUA in a big fight. (I don't know what VD is going to do when he runs
	out of BUA to waste, there can't be THAT many BUA's around)

	I like Steven Seagal movies more, at least he uses Real(tm) Martial
	Arts. But he's an awfully grouchy dude (must be because he doesn't get
	any good luvin - I can sympathize)

--
	Stephen Chan
	uunet!srg!schan or uunet!srg!schan@uunet.uu.net