From: anon-1425@twwells.com (pathfinder)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE:I'm not a cutter,but..
Date: 22 Dec 92 03:16:37 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

agape@igc.apc.org (Jean Riseman) writes
>Hi: It isn't cutting, but it sure sounds like the principle's
>the same. I hit myself a lot, but it's not as hard or long or planned
>out as what you described. 

** i feel very sad you are going through similar things**

>It sounds really painful.
>Do you think somebody did that to you as a child, or you saw
>it done to somebody else? Sometimes when I hurt muself it is
>disguising a very real memory.Anyway, hang in there until it makes sense.
>Jeannie

Thank's for the mail Jeannie!
I would like to blame my behaviour on the trapped-in abuse memories,
except here in asar i still haven't 'told' anyone but it could
be more complex than that.I don't know if you have reed my story but i was 
sexually abused when i was 12 y old and i'm 26 now.

I can't say when i exactly started with the beating either but the first
beating i can remember happened when i was 16,17 y old.

I have not
beaten myself since last summer.What gives me hope is that i haven't done
it in the past three weeks.It was close several times but i didn't do
it(even if i was really deep down).Me started to talk could explain i
didn't do it but i'm very unsure.Maybe the special conditions to start
was not completely fulfilled.Maybe suicidal thoughts replaces the beating
or stops it,i don't know.I can't say my hittings were so 'well' planned,
for example once this happened:

1.I was in a low mode,deep self hate
2.My neighbour came and asked me if i could help him with
   his broken TV-set.He is a family friend and i could not
   turn him down.I went there and i located the fault
   but i overlooked to check if the spare part i used
   was new.I did put in a part worse than the original part
    resulting in smoke and more faults.I took the whole set
    home and finally after lots of unnecessary work and my
    neighbours hawk eyes above my shoulder the TV was ok,
    i was not.I know i'm not a super human and mistakes
    happen but not in that mode,reasoning is different.
3.Besides my neighbour there were others around me so i decided
   the number of hits and if i did more mistakes i would just add
   to the 'hit'-list.
4.I waited until i was alone and punished myself.

Most of the mistakes that lead to beating has been different.
If the conditions are bad enough i don't think a mistake
is needed to make me beat my self up.Maybe i only use
the mistake as a cover up for my real reason to "cutting"?

Every thing is very loose for the moment and there isn't
much that makes sense to me.

Hang in there you too Jeannie,be nice to your self(please)

*hugs* if you want them

Pathfinder



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