From: ewillims@unix1.tcd.ie (Emma Williams)
Subject: Re: The Engaged Psychobitch from Hell Syndrome
Organization: Trinity College, Dublin
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1992 16:07:13 GMT

In <1992Sep25.184746.2458@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode) writes:


> 
>in <ewillims.717417667@unix1.tcd.ie>
>    ewillims@unix1.tcd.ie (Emma Williams) writes:
> 
>] In <1992Sep24.192449.20065@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>
>]     tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode) writes:
>]
>] >  commitment is an emotional thing, something that
>] >reflects personal values and needs and, for some, sexual exclusivity is
>] >not necessary for even the highest levels of commitment.  I know several
>] >couples who are very seriously committed to each other (some even engaged
>] >or married) for whom sexual exclusivity is not part of the bargain.  These
>] >are people who have stayed together for years and their commitment shows
>] >no signs of wavering because of sexual nonexclusivity, simply because the
>] >latter is irrelevant.
>]            ^^^^^^^^^^^
>]
>]         Rubbish! It can't possibly be irrelevant!  Trygve, I'm really
>] surprised that you of all people would make that statement!
> 
>For you and I, it's not only relevant but darn near essential, but that
>doesn't mean that everyone else feels that way.  I know a lot of people
>(including several stable couples) for whom sexually exclusivity doesn't
>even fit into their equation for emotional commitment--I've even dated a
>fair number of women who felt that way. 
> 
>] A sexual relationship (particularly for a woman, mainly due to
>] primeval drives to find a stable provider and strong hunter for
>] her children) involves emotions.  For godsakes, it's one of the most
>] intimate things two people can do for and to each other!!
> 
>For you and me and lots of other people this is quite true--but I also
>know plenty of people who think of sex as not much more intimate than a
>handshake; indeed, I would say that sex without intimacy is fairly
>common and, in many cases, is performed with little or no emotional
>contact with one's partner, 


	Well, if that is really the case and they can be very cold
and unfeeling about such an intimacy, then I can only feel 
sorry for them that they are missing out on such a wonderful 
warm life-affirming experience!  You, evidently feel the same
way as I do and I hope that you find someone to love who
echoes your feelings!:)
 

> 
>] If a partner finds it necessary to look for something they are missing
>] from a relationship, then that relationship by definition cannot be
>] satisfying and therefore cannot have their full commitment!
>] (This is of course my very strong opinion, but nevertheless, stil only
>] my own and as the saying goes I will fight to the death for your right
>] to disagree with me :)
> 
>Well, I do disagree with you--though you and I would put emotional
>intimacy and sexual exclusivity together into the bundle that we call
>"committed romantic relationship," I don't think the fact that other
>people have different definitions of committed relationships means that
>those definitions are invalid and their relationships unsatisfying.
>Their definitions work for them and make them happy and satisfied--
>on what basis am I to find fault with this any more than I would find
>fault with someone for preferring a different brand of ice cream than I
>do?
> 
	I really still have a big problem with seeing how they can
really be truly happy and satisfied in their relationship if they
feel the need to supplement it.....?
 
>in <ewillims.717416856@unix1.tcd.ie>
>    ewillims@unix1.tcd.ie (Emma Williams) writes
> 
>] If he came to me and said that he would like the opportunity to sleep
>] with someone else, I would dump him because I should be enough for
>] anyone and they should feel no need to go looking to supplement
>] what they would get from a relationship with me!:)
>]
>] Now , how can you possibly argue with this?:)
> 
>Well, I certainly can't--of course I have the problem that I find it
>difficult to be sexually interested in more than one person at a time
>and that, personally, I think it would be nice to date someone someday
>who actually was possessive in this respect.
> 
>Trygve

	Well, Trygve, I hope you do too...with the right person, it
can be like being wrapped up in a warm blanket on a freezing night!:)