From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Subject: Re: --> WANTED: Scottish ballad (and jokes)
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 05:01:05 GMT

  THE SCOTSMAN
  by Brian Bowers
  
  A Scotsman clad all in a kilt left a bar one evening fair
  And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
  He stumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
  And he fumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
     Ring ding diddle iddle I dee oh
     Ring die diddle eye oh
     He fumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
  
  About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
  And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
  "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built,
  I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt."
     Ring ding diddle, etc.
  
  They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
  They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
  And there, behold! before their eyes, beneath that Scottish skirt
  Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
     Ring ding diddle, etc.
  
  They marveled for a moment, then one said, "We must be gone.
  Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
  As gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
  Around the bonny star the Scot's kilt did lifted show
     Ring ding diddle, etc.
  
  The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
  Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
  And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
  "Och, lad, I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize!"
     Ring ding diddle, etc.
  ==
  
  An entertainer in a pub I once frequented would sing this, and he added the
  following verses (choruses deleted):
  
  Well our Scottish friend still dressed in kilt continued down the street.
  He hadn't gone ten yards or more when a girl he chanced to meet.
  She said, "I've heard what's under there.  Tell me, is it so?"
  And he said, "Just put your hand up miss if you'd really like to know."
  
  (chorus)
  
  So she put her hand up in his kilt, and much to her surprise,
  the Scotsman smiled and very strange look crept into his eyes.
  She said, "Why sir, that's gruesome!" to which she heard him roar,
  "If you put your hand up once again, you'll find it's grew some more!"
  
  (chorus)
  ==
  
  A Scottish couple and an Englishman are waiting in line for a play called
  "THE GREAT MIRACLE" on Broadway. After sometime, the turn comes to the
  couple. The lady at the counter asks "Where would you like your seat, sir?".
  The Scotsman, without hesitation, replies: "FRONT SEAT, please." He then 
  gives the ticketperson a banknote, gets the tickets, and when the lady 
  shouts to remind him: "Sir! You FORGOT to get your change back!", 
  he replies: "No problem, that is your TIP!", and leaves for the play with his 
  wife. Then it's the Englishman's turn; when the lady asks him where he'd like
  to get a seat, the Englishman anwers: "No, thank you. I dont need a ticket
  any more; I guess I've seen the SHOW!".
  ==
  
  A usual sunday prayer in a church in England. when the priest
  collects the charities from the crowd, he suddenly notices
  3 pennies among the one and five pound bills. the priest grins cheekily
  and says: "I see that there is a scottish person with us today.."
  some person in one of the seats at the back unwillingly stands up and says:
  "your honour, there are 3 of us..."
  ==
  
  an American visits the Highlands. in some place, he meets
  an old Scottish man. the scotsman asks what country he is
  from. the american proudly answers "I come from the greatest
  country in the world.". The scotsman replies "amazing, you've
  got the spookiest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
  ==
  
  an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman in a train compartment.
  when the train stops, the englishman leaves with dignity without
  looking behind. the irishman look back to check if he forgot
  something behind. the scotsman looks back to check if someone else
  forgot something.
  ==
  
  an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman on a deserted island.
  on the first day the irishman writes poems and makes whiskey. the second
  day the scotsman drinks all the whiskey. the third day, the englishman
  still waits to be introduced to the other two.
  ==
  
  The intended bride of a young Scotsman was complaining about the paltry size
  of her engagement ring.  "I don't know what you're complaining about!" the
  Scotsman said.  "You picked it out yourself!  It's not *my* fault you don't
  know how to work the little crane..."
  ==
  
  A Scottish man visiting America for the first time gets off the plane and
  immediately search for the nearest tavern.
  He is dressed in a traditional Scottish kilt and beret.
  He parks his rented car at the first tavern he sees and goes in and get drunk
  very quickly. Realizing how drunk he is he decides he had better go find his
  hotel. As he reaches his car and opens the door he passes out across the
  seat.
  
  A short time later a young woman walking by notices him passed out in his
  traditional scottish attire. She remembers she heard once the Scotts in kilts
  do not wear underwear and is now very curious. She approached the car and
  he is passed out. She is still very curious. She approaches the Scott and
  quickly lifts his kilt to see that traditional Scotts in fact do not wear
  underwear. She now feels a little guilty about her actions and decides to
  make it up the Scott somehow. A moment later she takes the blue ribbon in her
  hair and ties it around his cock and then leaves.
  
  In the morning the greatly hungover Scott crawls to his feet and sees he is
  still in his car. He has to piss ferociously and goes to a nearby alley. As
  he lifts his kilt he sees the blue ribbon and says. "Aye, I don't know where
  you been last night, but I'm glad you won the Blue Ribbon."
  ==
  
  A court in Scotland was hearing a case involving a car accident.  The
  plaintiff was being questioned by his own lawyer, and was apparently quite
  nervous.  As the questioning stumbled along, the judge grew restive. 
  Finally, losing his patience, the judge interrupted plaintiff's counsel.  
  
  "Mr. Counselor," said the judge, peevishly, "doesn't your client know the
  doctrine of volenti non fit injuria [he who consents cannot receive an
  injury]?"
  
  The counselor below looked up at the judge and replied, "M'Lord, in the hills
  from which my client comes, they speak of little else."
  ==
  
  It seems this Scotsman was given a wallet for his birthday; one of these
  with a Velcro closure.
  
  He said, "Noo, that's my kinda wallet: it scr-r-reams when you open it!"
  ==
  
  Well in Scotland they tell Glascow jokes.
  
  It seems that there was this Terrible food poisoning epidemic in Glascow,
  350 people were hospitalised because of it.  The aruthorities investigated
  and discovered that it all let to a bad tin of Corned Beef.

  Where else in Scotland could they get 350 sandwiches from a tin of beef.
  ==
  
  Q: Why do Scots wear Kilts?
  A: Because sheep can hear zippers.
  ==
  
  Q: How was copper wire invented?
  A: Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny!
  ==
  
  Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
  A: A Scotsman dropped a penny in a crack.
  ==
  
  And then theres the story about the Scot who dropped a penny and when he
  bends down to pick it up, it hit him on the back of the head....
  ==
  
  Did ya hear about the gay Scotsman, Phil McCrevice?
  ==
  
  An Irish guy dies, and his three best friends -- an Irishman, a Scot, and 
  a Jew attend the funeral.   After the service, the Scot says "It's an auld
  Scottish costom ta leave the dead wi' some money to provide for their wants
  in the next world."  So saying, he leaves a ten-dollar bill on the coffin.

  The Irishman says "It's not my custom, but never let it be said that a
  cheap Scot will outdo an Irishman."  So saying, he lays a ten dollar bill
  alongside the Scot's.  The two turn to the Jew, who shrugs and says "Well,
  I won't be the one to break up the party."  So saying, he writes a check
  for $30, leaves it on the coffin and takes the $20.
  ==
  
  Don't run faster than your shoes.
      -- Scottish saying
  ==
  
  A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
  As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad
  nymphet standing over him.  She says "Would you like some food?"
  
  The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
  noo, and I am verra hungry!"
  
  She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
  helping of haggis.  (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the
  better.)  When he has choked it down, she asks "Would you like something
  to drink?"
  
  "Och, aye!  That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much
  like a drink!"
  
  She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year
  old single-malt Scotch whiskey!  The Scotsman in beginning to think that
  he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says "Would you
  like to play around?"
  
  "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
  ==
  
  A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the 
  waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, 
  the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
  The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
  	"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
  ==
  
  The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
    "My beautiful comb.  I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it
  anymore.  What am I going to do?  Now I'll have to buy another one."
    "Well," said his  friend, "you don't need to buy another just
  because you lost one tooth on your comb."
    "But you don't understand.  It was the last tooth."
  ==

  A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
  this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
  to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
  that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
  The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
  make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
  room and play for the dying man.
  
  When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
  eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
  around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
  tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
  miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
  the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
  Englishmen in for checkups died.
  ==
  
  'Tis said in Erin that 'twas the Irish who invented the bagpipes and gave
  'em to the Scots as a joke...and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
  ==
  
  Historically, Mammoth Cave, Kentucky "grew" as various caves in the area
  were found to connect, and eventually connected to Mammoth itself. One of
  these, in Flint Ridge, was Floyd Collins' Crystal Cave. (Yes, THAT Floyd
  Collins!) The part of the cave that was open for visitors was a walk-
  through, of course, but even in the thirties and forties, there was a good
  deal more of the cave known.  Before he got trapped in nearby Sand Cave,
  Floyd explored a LOT of Crystal Cave.  There's a very narrow hole through
  which one had to squeeze to get into the greater part of the cave. This
  hole was named "Scotchman's Trap" because it was so tight.
  ==
  
  A biologist, an engineer and a mathematician were crossing the
  border into Scotland from England on a train when they saw a 
  field with a black sheep in it.  The biologist said "look, in
  Scotland the sheep are black".  The engineer replied "no, in
  Scotland some of the sheep are black".  The mathematician rolled
  his eyes to heaven and said, very patiently, "in Scotland, there
  exists at least one field, in which there is at least one sheep
  which is black on at least one side".
  ==
  
                    A SCOTTISH SOLUTION
      The Scots have a reputation for prudence and frugality. They are
  not the sort of people who make a habbit of losing their wallets. But
  it does happen.
      The following announcement appeared in the Glasgow Herald
  recently:-
     'Lost in Sauchiehall Street, a black leather wallet containing family
  photographs, identity documents and five hundred pounds in notes.
  The finder is asked to keep the photos and documents, but to return
  the money to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.'
  
      Once evening in a restaurant in Edinburgh a man stood up and
  exclaimed:
     -I've just lost my wallet. There's a hundred pounds on it. I'll give
  five pounds to the person who finds it and returns it to me.
      From the other side of the restaurant a man in a kilt called out:
     -I'll give six
  ==
  
  "I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs
  collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
  ==
  
  One fine afternoon somewhere in Scotland an elderly gentleman tries to
  get into the local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked.
  After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head
  out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself :
  
  - Sorry, but we're closed today !
  
  The elderly gentleman promptly replies:
  
  - But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only
    half past eleven !
  
  to which the bookmaker says:
  
  - But those are not the opening hours; they are the odds that we're
    open today.
  ==
  
  Did you hear about the Scot who gave up golf?
  He lost his ball.
  
  Did you hear about the Scot who took up golf?
  He found it.
  ==

  Bob                                           Seattle, Washington