From: Sean.Kelleher@f17.n3400.z1.fidonet.org (Sean Kelleher)
Newsgroups: k12.chat.senior
Subject: Lookin' at you!
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 92 19:53:18 PST
Organization: FidoNet node 1:3400/17 - MET NET BBS, Helena MT


Serena -

    OK, I'm back from dinner.  On with the message.

 > you get well soon! If you do by chance get well soon! Maybe
 > like this weekend, the fair and rodeo is in town! That would
 > be something fun to do! Do you like rides?? I do like some of
 > them!
    I love fairs and rides (to a point) but I haven't dollar one to my name. No job at the moment (my family won't let up about that).  If I had some spending cash, I'd try and get up there.  Sorry.

 >        You sound like you are really sweet! TRUST ME!
    Ehhh...sweet doesn't matter for much of anything in this world, if you're a guy.  ANYONE can get by on good looks, even if they are scum.  But being sweet isn't enough to get by on, if you don't look at least half way decent and have some cash to spend.

 >        MOLLY, huh?? May I ask why you put that in CAPS?? You
    Hmmm...I wasn't aware that I had capitalized it.  Well, it's a name that deserves exclamation!

 > two were all over each other the whole time?? Is Molly a
 > girlfriend? Just wondering! Can I ask you one question?? Why
    Yes, I'd say she's my girlfriend.  At any rate, she refers to me as "boyfriend" when she isn't calling me by my first name.  I have no problems with that.  But the other half...the word "girlfriend"...I just don't like it.
 She and I both agree that we have a lot more going than that.  And when I think "girlfriend" I think of some stupid ditz from my highschool, who "loves" her current boyfriend...at least untill next month.  It all has bad connotations for me...the very IDEA of high school relationships is just such a slap in the face of true love.  It almost feels like I'm putting her down by calling her my girlfriend.

 > girlfriend? Just wondering! Can I ask you one question?? Why
 > do you think that you are unattractive? I know that I haven't
    I don't think that I am, I know that I am.  I can't peel myself away from a mirror without staring at myself for a few moments, analyzing my sorry condition, and then going on my not-so-merry way secure in the knowledge that I'm the scum at the bottom of the barrel.  :->  I could tell you why I feel that I am very unattractive (I have several reasons, most of which Kris could fill you in on just by describing me in some detail, but there is ONE thing, over which I have no control, that takes the cake) 

but I don't know you well enough to let you know.  Actually, it was a major strugle for me to tell Molly.  She thought about it, said it didn't matter, and then folded me back into her arms.  that really messes me up.
    By the way, so your imagination doesn't go TOO far...it's not like I'm harboring some strange genetic birth defect or anything (Molly was extremely relieved when I finally told her...she was expecting something much worse). In fact, the one reason that I hate myself, above all others, isn't something you would really see if we met in person.  But anyway...I'd better get off this topic; I've said too much as it is.

 > seen you yet, but you always say that you're pale and
 > unattractive. When I see you I bet that I'll believe
 > different! I bet that you are some good looking hunk <SMILE>!
    Nope...not a hunk by any stretch of the imagination.  Way too skinny for that.  And I'm not into any sports anymore, so I'm not even in very great shape for a SKINNY fella.

 > Why isn't it soppoce to work that way?
    After the heart-to-heart conversations Molly and I had...she shouldn't have wanted anything to do with me.  There are things I told her, that no one else on the planet has ever known about.  Lots of...painful things, from my earlier years and so on.  She should have seen that I'm such a loser, but it didn't even phase her.  the only thing I saw in her eyes was...love.  More than love...almost a...mothering instinct.  I asked her what in god's name she was doing with me, and she said that I made her fee

l wonderful, but that I also filled her with an intense desire to protect and care for me.  To make the sadness leave my eyes.  And it isn't supposed to HAPPEN that way!  At the very least, that's MY job.  And besides...I still can't figure out what it is she see's in me.  I'm not THAT sweet.  Jesus Christ...these relationship things are so annoying...I wish it was like any other teenaged "love"...movies, pizza, making out in the car, and not REALLY getting in deep.

    Stupid me...I thought it was important to communicate, and share things like pain, and to be close together.  I thought that this was good...that holding each other and not saying anything is how it SHOULD be done.  But it only makes it all harder.  Weeeeeeelll...I've damn well said enough about THIS...on with the message, hmm?

 >       Talking....... yeah right! Come on, tell me the truth!
 > PLEASE? What's the real story! Please tell me! I swear I
    That's the truth...most of it anyways.  I can't believe that we discussed so MUCH during just two days.  But I had to tell her as much about me as possible, partly because there was no question as to whether I shoudl be completely honest with her,a dn partly because I needed the therapy.  :->  So we talked and talked and talked...and walked and sat and all that.  At the end, during the last few hours we were together, we just held each other. that was nice.  I doubt that her mom believes that's ALL we 

did untill four in the morning, but it's mostly true.  Sure, we got physical...she's BEAUTIFUL, and it made being with each other better.  But as far as really getting into it...I don't know.  It depends on your viewpoint, whether she and I actually did anything uncalled for.  Not that I see how ANYTHINg we did could have been uncalled for.  If you message me private on MetNet, maybe I can give you a general idea of what happened.

    WHOA...I don't have enough time to get that game downloaded now!  Oh well, i'll just have to wait untill after midnight to get it.  Nor problem...I'll only be waiting an hour longer than I had planned.

 > won't tell anyone else! I'm sorry that you are in pain!! Just
 > hope that she will come again! I know how it feels! Hope you
 > get well soon!!!
    Thanks...I might see her next summer.  I might never see her again. That's how it goes.  Talk to you later.

        - Sean


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