From: asar.188@wpi.wpi.edu  
Subject:  Re: Looking for advice...
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1992 18:02:41 GMT


Mike writes:
>
>I could use some advice from anyone out there.  I was dating this girl who 
>was raped and got pregnant about a year ago.  I've been trying to be 
>supportive but I just don't know what to do anymore...
>
> [Some stuff deleted]
>I would think that she didn't want anything to do with me but then she'll 
>call me and tell me how much she loves me and how much I mean to her. 
>
First off, I know where you're comin' from, bro.  I was going to marry my XSO
(current LO) when she told me that the pressure of our relationship along with
the pressures of her abuse were too much for her to handle all at once.  
However, she asked me to stay friends.  --And every now and then I hear her say
those three precious words---  I have to admit, I even went through a time when
I thought it best to just let her go!  --Because the pain of the memories and
the pressure of what she wanted was destroying me.  And I even voiced it to
her, but she begged me not to let go.  -Sometimes I still wonder if what I'm
doing is the right thing for me...  But, I promised her a long time ago, I
would NEVER give up on her; and I've held that promise; no matter how hard it
was.  And let me tell you; it's not easy.  
>
>...Anyway, with her trying to go out with other people I'm starting to think 
>it would be a good time to step out of the picture.  I guess at least in some 
>way I remind her of a past that she wants to forget.  
>
I wouldn't say your a past she wants to forget.  -Especially since she talks
to you.  Maybe she's afraid of placing the things she's dealing with on your
shoulders.  Maybe she loves you too much to hurt you; so in her own strange way
she's letting go...  
> 
>I would like some opinions on what I should do now.  Should I try to stay 
>friends or should I just disappear.  I'd like to start dating again but I 
>realize that's pretty unrealistic.
>
Like Black Pearl said, it's up to you to make the decision to stay friends,
or to disappear.  And as one that has already made this decision, all I can
tell you is if you think you have the power within yourself to remain friends
then do it.  But, be forewarned, it's not an easy road you'll be chosing!
There's going to be alot of heartache and alot of soul-searching in the near
future.  But, just the fact that you're wrestling with this question tells
me that you would really like to stay friends with her.  

One other thing that I found while wrestling with your same problem...  When
I first posed the question to all those around me, they all said I should
disappear.  But, very few of them knew the whole story (about her abuse).
Nonetheless, it confused me.  But deep down in my heart I knew what was 
right for us (she and I).  I think I have chosen the right path; but only
time will tell...

Good Luck on whatever you decide!
>
>Thanks in Advance!
>
You're Welcome!
                                       - B.A.K.

P.S.- If it doesn't feel right for you to start dating again, don't.  It's
      been 3 months for me, and it still doesn't feel right.  [And it probably
      won't for a while.]


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