Newsgroups: soc.bi,soc.motss
Subject: queer marriage - personal problem
From: moselecw@elec.canterbury.ac.nz (C.W. Moseley)
Date: 15 Aug 92 18:14:53 +1200
Followup-To: soc.bi
Distribution: world
Organization: moz's little funny farmlet

Hi people, currently I am in a bit of a dilemma. A brief summary is:
"should queers do mock marriages just to highlight the injustice of
the law relating to hetersexual marriages?"

< feel free to just answer this bit
 - the rest is a long and personal saga
 - and yes, I do have the recent threads on gay marriage from
    Soc.Feminism or Soc.motss or Soc.Bi (whatever..) >

The situation is complex, but comes down as follows:

1: where I am at in this:
    My sort-of-girlfriend-close-special-friend-who-I-recently-met
(called Q from here on) is a highly political person, having recently
completed an MA in political science - Aspects of BiSexual Politics.
(hopefully to be e-published shortly). She also has a psuedo-
childlike manner which comes over to me as an attempt not to frighten
the horses, cos she's even more informed and `with it', not to
mention politically sound, than I am, and I frighten the living
daylights out of lots of `normal' people. Mostly because she is
informed, intelligent and not afraid to challenge people when they
make assumptions/ <anything>-ist statements.

However, she also tends to avoid thinking some things through (like,
why she does `x'), and is at the moment in a relationship with a
close friend of hers. They have been meaning to do the `dating thing'
for a while now, but just never got round to it. Finally they did,
just as I arrived on the scene - young, brash and a confusing mixture
of being gay since 15, Bi since 20, feminist since 13, but not out
till I was 22, and not politically active until 23 (like, since June
this year). So me and her started the `dating thing', and `O' started
getting irritated, since she was angling for `Q' as well.
Surprisingly, for both of us, neither backed off and we both ended up
`dating'. Complified by me going up to Nelson to `out' to my parents,
and having memories of nearly 2 years trying to get my mother to
accept me and my `gay'ness when I was 15. This time, she was very
calm, but basically didn't want to talk about it. Nothing has really
changed, but then I have hardly seen them since... When I got back,
`Q' went to auckland for 10 days, then came back and went into
intense mode with `O', so we pretty much put our romantic thing on
hold.

THEN, OQ announced that they are getting married at the end of
september. Neither of them profess any great long term committment to
each other, they are not going to co-habit or take any of the
available legal steps. (ie power of attorney, wills, legal-next-of-kin
stuff) Also, the marriage is not going to be `closed', and
`O' is still planning to go to Africa next year to work.... However,
they do intend a large and public wedding, with lots of pomp and
ceremony and costumes. Including a bunch of leathermen from Auckland,
local drag queens in promenant positions (mother of the bride,
mistress of ceremonies etc) and the rest of us are also supposed to
dress outrageously.

My problems with this are partly personal - I would still like to
`get together' with `Q', but at the moment she is really determinedly
caught up in the marriage thing.

AND - many of my het. friends are opposed to this idea. Most of them
(me included) view marriage as a long term spiritual committment to
another person. The whole idea is already under siege from short-
term and trivial Het. marriages, so to take this and further
trivialise it with a public mock marriage seems politically stupid.
The danger of it being taken up as an example of why queers should
not be allowed to marry is, I think, strong.

- Further, it is, in a way, mocking or trivialising those who have
made a committment to a partner (and not just the hetersexual
marriages either!). This is not even planned as a committment
ceremony, but 90% as a piss-take and sendup of marriages in general.
And they are going to be using a lot of ideas from queer committment
rituals. As OQ say, "it is about recognising our friendship" and also
"yes, Shawn and Chris could do the same, that's where we are" (two
guys, one straight, no sex just close friends). This is _not_ what I
see marriage (or equivalent) as being about!

I have tried to talk about this to `Q', but she is pretty determined.
At least she isn't lying, but still is expressing pretty strong
disappointment that I won't take part in the ceremony. And is trying
to persuade me that I should take part. I have not managed to get
much feedback from queer friends on this, as it is still new (like,
`public' since Tuesday) so most of them don't know much yet.

anything from you people would be much appreciated - I will expand on
any aspects that seem necessary, and as more information comes to
light.

______
\ \/ / moz - i may be confused, but it ain't coz I'm bisexual
 \/\/         - it's coz my lifes in a mess