From: bwolfe@trentu.ca (BEN WOLFE)
Subject: Re: Family Bed
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Trent University Computer Services Department
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 04:05:00 GMT

In article <4158@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us>, grace@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us
writes`
>
>
>        I just read Tine Thevenin's book The Family Bed which
>        glowingly describes the practicality, healthfulness, and
>        psychological benefits of co-family sleeping.
>
>        I would be interested to hear (e-mail) from anyone who
>        has had their children sleep with them regularly past
>        the age of, let us say, one year old.
>
>        Do you think co-family sleeping
>         - made your family closer
>         - reduced the incidence of nightmares in your children
>         - "spoiled" your children
>         - made your children more secure or independent?
>
>        When did they ask for their own bed or bedroom?
>        Is there any reason you'd recommend against a family bed?
>
>        Due to the fairly controversial nature of the subject, I'll keep
>        all responses anonymous.


It always amazes me to see the family bed treated as controversial in any
way. One of the points Tine Thevenin makes, and makes well, in The Family
Bed: An Age Old Concept in Child Rearing, is that western cultures of the
last few generations have diverged from the path of the rest of humanity
over tens of thousands of years of evolution in removing small children
from their parents for sleep.

No anonymity is required here. We have an almost 4-year-old boy (Noah) and
a 15-month-old girl (Emma). Just before Emma was born we invested in a king
size futon, because the double we had was not big enough for four.

Noah has and sometimes uses his own bed, but it's still much more common
for him to be with us. Emma, at 15 months, is still frequently dependent
on her mom (Felice) for nursing and comfort at night. It's nicer and easier
for all of us if all it takes is for Felice to roll over and cuddle her or
plug her in.

What I find really amusing about this subject is that we sometimes run into
people who say the family bed wouldn't work for them because it would
restrict their privacy or make their child too dependent, or because
(usually with a small baby) they're afraid of rolling over and suffocating
the baby. Some of them are quite firm about it. But almost invariably, if 
you listen to them for a while you learn that while their kids may start
the night in their own beds, they come in to their parents almost every
night, and often stay there.

It's hard to answer questions about whether a family bed has made our
family closer or made them more secure or independent, because we've
never tried it any other way. Certainly we have two very confident kids
who enjoy cuddling at night and know they are loved. Noah hasn't had a 
nightmare that woke him up in a year or more, but again I'm not sure
what the 'average' is, if there is one.

Just in the last two months Noah announced with some pride that the area
of our room that holds his bed, bookshelf and dresser was "his" bedroom
and the rest was "our" bedroom. It was very cute, and probably portends
a gradual transition away from the family bed for him, but as of yet he's
still with us most of the time. Right now he's asleep next to his sister,
which I think is really good for both of them. (OK, I admit it -- we have
laundry piled on his bed tonight, so his options were limited...)

Is there any reason for not recommending a family bed? I don't particularly
like sleeping over a plastic sheet. That's about it, and I guess we'd
probably have to have it there anyway since the kids would often come in
with us regardless. I've often been disappointed at not being able to\
cuddle up with my wife because there's a kid in between us, but at this
stage that's usually my fault. I work very late some nights and by the time
I join the crew in bed I get whatever space is left, if any. (In general 

our king sixe bed (72" x 80") is quite adequate for four. It was the best
birthday present we could have got for Emma, and we've always been thrilled
with it. It cost $400 Canadian, including the frame.)

Is any of this really so unusual? Or *controversial*?

Ben Wolfe