HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: alangend@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Andrea D Langenderfer)
Subject: Re: Friends & lovers..
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 22:30:13 GMT

In article <22101.1979225482@kcbbs.gen.nz> Rob_Tan@kcbbs.gen.nz (Rob Tan) write
s:
>Many peoplehave said that having a lover that has been a friend is really
>good & all that. But what I've noticed is more often than not, if the
>person is a friend (I mean fairly close friends), it would seem that
>there is a huge risk in breaking that friendship when you ask that friend
>out (this applies to both sexes regardless who is asking who out), as
>it would seem that more often than not, if that friend was interested
>in you, he/she would have expressed his/her feelings before you got
>that close. I suppose I'm saying that it'll work only when it seems
>the friend also likes you but has hidden it, being scared or whatever.
>
>I don't know if I've put it down very well in words here..
>
>So if you're presently inetrested in someone, do you get to know him/her
>better than at a later stage ask him/her out, or ask what is virtually
>a stranger out? Not that doing either is ethically or morally worng
> (whcih it obviously isn't), but I guess I'm asking if there's a 'safer'
>path to take..?
>
For me it is not a choice that I am aware of, but it usually ends up that there
is this friend that I have known for awhile as strictly a friend(ie group 
activities, conversations about life in general, confide about relationships 
that have gone arye,ect). Then all of a sudden it hits me that I like this guy 
alot, that I would like to ask him out, that there is a strong attraction,ect.

And it's ironic because I start thinking about him and when we first met and I
think "Gosh, I never wasn't attracted to him before in a romatic way". It is 
like I completely change my view of him. But usually by this time he thinks of 
me strictly as his friend, not a potential date. Sometimes I wonder if this guy 
even remember I am a female. It more like just my buddies. This has only 
happened three times to me. For me,I think it has to do with
like him for who he is, qualities, habits, personality rather then for straight
out looks.

my theory is that these guys have a time limit-if you aren't a potential date 
right off they never consider you again. Where as for me the more I know him 
they more attracted to him I am, and by then it's too late. I guess that is 
what timing is all about, but at this rate it may never work to the positive 
ending.

That's just my input on the subject, sorry to sound negative but I am just 
getting over one of "friends" and it is has to be the most difficult by far.
Andi
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: nelson@eastrg1.cray.com (Christine Nelson)
Subject: Re: ed is lord (was re: cologne)
Followup-To: alt.romance, misc.test, alt.newbie
Organization: Cray Research, Inc.
Date: 23 Jul 92 10:00:35 CDT

In article <1992Jul21.215306.20243@unislc.uucp>, erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp) writes:
|> tlr@penguins.East.Sun.COM (Tammy Roncadori - Administrator Sun Washington D.C.) writes:
|> 
|> : >How RUDE!  What an ASSHOLE.... (takes one to know one)
|> : > 
|> : >Ed Carp, N7EKG	
|> : 
|> : If you don't like cigarette smoke, start a thread where
|> : appropriate otherwise, keep your feelings to yourself.  Thank you very
|> : much Mr. Carp.
|> 
|> Uh ... who died and made you net.god{dess}?  Take your insults to alt.flame,
|> which is where followups are (appropriately) directed to.

oh...okay, i get it now.  it's okay for ed to flame people, and
call them names, but beware anyone else that does it.  

i guess this means that ed is alt.r's official net god, and those
people wishing to express opinions other than those of ed 
(aka. almighty master of the USENET) should please check with 
him first.

it all makes sense now...

c

+===============================================================+
Christine Nelson           Going out of my mind...   
nelson@eastrg1                     ...back in 5 minutes.
From: tburgess@us.oracle.com (Terri Servantes Burgess)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: LDR -> local vs BREAKUP?
Date: 27 Jul 92 20:44:07 GMT



David,


I think you should just break up.  This is not meant to be a flame, but
you don't obviously love her enough to hold up you end of love.

Love conquers all....so what she isn't going to get her PhD is a PhD going
to keep you warm on those cold winter nights??

If you like an attractive woman why can't you help her....I tend to have
a problem with weight...and although my LDR now husband loves me no matter
what I look like...and I a very good looking fat or thin....he helps me because
it is important to me to feel good and look good.  He takes the time to
play tennis with me...go bicycle riding...out walking holding hands...we
exercise together which helps me....he never takes my plate away...or says
don't eat that...he just encourages me and makes getting fit romantic....

Even when the pounds finish coming off...it is nice to know that he loved me
all along for me and not my weight...and that the exercise will still be
a part of our lives...it has brought us much closer....

If there is something about your love you don't like...don't hold it against
her....help her with it in love....IF that is something she wants help with....

Really look at the woman you fell in love with...if you really love her...
circumstances will not change that....you will just have to grow up and learn
tht she is special and unique without the PhD and Miss America Crown.
If you can grow up...you might find you found the most wonderful woman in the
world....A jewel that loves you as much as you her.

This was not meant as a flame ...I just wanted you to look at things from another perspective.

You may marry or live with what you think at the time is a daisy and hopefully
not too late realize you actually married a rose.....

-Tia Burgess
From: moroney@diva.Berkeley.EDU (Richard Moroney)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: LJBF problems
Date: 30 Jul 92 13:56:30
Organization: /home/sensor/moroney/.organization
	<1992Jul29.172802.13051@bnr.co.uk>
NNTP-Posting-Host: diva.berkeley.edu
In-reply-to: dswt@bnr.co.uk's message of 29 Jul 92 17:28:02 GMT


Since I'm finishing up my 'recovery' from a recent LJBF I thought I'd
toss in my two cents.  Whenever I find myself thinking about this
woman, I remind myself of the following three things:

1) she is not romantically interested in me	[ definately stated, in
						my case, so there is
						no question here ]
2) she isn't thinking about me			[ most likely true,
						considering how often
						she pops into my head ]
3) she isn't as beautiful as I think she is	[ probably false, but
						it makes me feel
						better to think it ]

I don't think you have any choice but to get over this woman if she
has no romantic interest in you, but that is just my opinion.  I
suspect my three reminders above could be applied to almost any LJBF
situation.

On a related (often discussed) thread, I feel forced to comment on the
following:
}-ref-} dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley) writes:
} As I said in a previous post: friends are too precious to fall in love with.
} Stop it.

I am of the 'friends are the ONLY kind to fall in love with' crowd, so
I think the above is bull.  You just need to be careful and aware of
the friends feelings and needs.  If she just wants to be friends and
you want more, it is YOUR responsibility to prevent the difference in
feelings from interfering with the friendship.  It is easier said than
done, but I think it can be done.

Hope my .sig is included below...
--
Richard
moroney@diva.berkeley.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Essence of Relationships
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1992 12:34:00 GMT

drl@sol.acs.unt.edu (Dianna Laakso) writes:

: rpatel@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Rachana D Patel) writes:
: >Basically, I would like to undertand the difference between a relatioship
: >and a strong/close friendship. 
: >The first reasons that come to mind are:
: >1) physical intimacy
: >2) constant assurance that you will have a date
: 
: Physical intimacy is important, but I wouldn't say it's a _reason_ for
: seeking out a relationship with someone. It's better to think of it as
: something that follows when two people meet and find that there's some
: strong chemistry between them. Constant assurance of having a date?...
: I don't know about that...it's never been a reason for seeking a relation-
: ship as far as I'm concerned!

I suppose it all depends on what you call "physical intimacy".  Even a hug
can be physically intimate.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG		erc@apple.com	<-- preferred email address!
"In wildness is the preservation of the world."  - Henry David Thoreau
** Member, Linux port team - uucp division ** :)   801/269-8125
From: HJ46@lafibm.lafayette.edu (Baboo (Holton, Jeffrey))
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Pre-breakup vibes
Date: 26 Jul 92 18:06:16 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University
Originator: news@lafcol

In article <1992Jul22.193012.6193@ncsu.edu> drburne@eos.ncsu.edu (DALE ROBERT BURNETT) writes:
>
>dump her
>.
>.

Nothing personal, but if you are having a perfect relationship with no
problems, Dale, I'd love to hear about it.  As far as I know *every*
relationship has some rough spots.

Giving in and calling it off is tantamount to "giving up" in a rather
wimpish sort of way.  I wouldn't suggest it.  I say try as hard as
possible to work it out and reconcile it.  If it works, great!  If it
doesn't, you've got a better understanding of how to deal with these
things next time they roll around, either with her or in a later
relationship.

I'm not sure, but I get the feeling that the goal of the original
poster here was some sort of permanence.  Why give up the ship when
it has a hole?  You pump out the water and fix the leak, not
abandon the ship.

Now, if you hit an iceberg....  =)

I don't think the original poster has hit an iceberg.

The point of a permanent relationship is to learn and grow together
and mutually solve the problems you face, not to pretend there are
none while you eternally bask in bliss.  Someday you're going to wake
up and realize the bliss isn't enough.  Then what?  Sink the ship
yourself?  I wouldn't suggest it.

--Capt. Jeffrey Holton, S.S. Titanic.  =)
(in case a certain significant redhead finds this...the Titanic
reference is a joke, k?)  =)
From: markway1112@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Poll results
Date: 30 Jul 92 08:55:03 -0500
Summary: preliminary results of sex poll
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

Greetings fellow romantics-

Here's some preliminary results, based on the first 24 hours
of the premarital sex poll.  My own opinion is that a couple
should wait until marriage.  I have had a few sexual relationships
before my current boyfriend; and despite the excitement and intimacy
sex can bring to a relationship, I wish that I had waited.  My 
boyfriend was a virgin before me, and I wish that we could have
entered into marriage with no sexual experience... but you can
never regain that virginity!  Right now my boyfriend and I are
discussing chastity until the wedding day-- that's why I'm interested
in how other romantics feel!! :)

Anyway, enough of my blabbing... those for pre-marital sex,
11; those against, 9.  (I honestly thought the numbers would be
significantly more unbalanced, but give it time ;)  )  Some reasons
for pre-marital sex are that it "strengthens the relationship",
"gives you a better idea of what marriage is all about", "things
stagnate if sex is ruled out of a relationship", "it is the key
to trust"-- but all this is only true if you discuss STD's/birth
control and if it is considered carefully by both partners.  Reasons
against pre-marital sex include "sex is the ultimate intimacy to make
your marriage relationship different from all others", "makes breaking
up more difficult", "people sometimes use sex as a substitute for
getting to know each other or discussing problems", "loss of self-respect
and respect of partner", and "no one was ever hurt by not engaging
in pre-marital sex; but I know plenty who were hurt if they did".

There ya have it so far!  If you would still like to respond,
please e-mail to Tigger at  markway1112@iscsvax.uni.edu  !! :)
I'll post more results later-- thank you to all that have responded
so far!!!!!

Love and bounces,

Tigger  ("that's T-I-double GRRRRRRR")
From: rpatel@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Rachana D Patel)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Essence of Relationships
Date: 21 Jul 92 13:07:09 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

Hello.
I was thinking about relationships in general and would like to hear some
input from the rest of you. I am trying to figure out the true meaning
or philosophical meaning of the need to have relationships. 
Basically, I would like to undertand the difference between a relatioship
and a strong/close friendship. 
The first reasons that come to mind are:
1) physical intimacy
2) constant assurance that you will have a date
3) the ability to show pictures and flaunt the other 
4) doing romantic things 

Now  I am curious about the other reasons. 
Is it spending more time with the other person? A greater time commitment?
Mutual understanding? Being able to talk about anything on your mind?
Being able to go to the person and feeling better? Having a good time
and not getting into major disagreements?
Accepting the other's faults in turn for the other qualities of the person?
Giving each other freedom when needed? 

I mean, couldn't you find these qualities in a friend? Wouldn't these 
qualities come about if you were good friends with the person? 
What I am trying to understand is the line between a close friendship and
a relationship. 

Anyone out there have any opinions on the subject?


--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachana D. Patel                            Work: SAS Microcomputing Services
University of Pennsylvania                        3E3 DRL
Management and Technology Program                 (215) 898-0589
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: jcr@mbunix.mitre.org (Rogers)
Subject: Re: Dates from Hell
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford, MA
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 15:38:27 GMT

Mysti (mysti@sybase.com) writes:
>Catherine Montagna (montagna@mizar.usc.edu) writes:
>
>> Please tell me I'm not alone -- has anybody out there had
>> dates from hell they'd wish to tell us about?

Did you mean "the person I went out with came from hell" or "the whole
episode was hellish"? Well, anyway, I had a couple dates last fall that
may not be exactly hellish, but at least approach it.

FIRST, a friend (whom I hoped would develop into something more) and
I agreed to meet at a restaurant for dinner at a specific time. She
would be coming there after an evening class. I got there a bit early
and waited, and waited, and waited. An *HOUR* after we were supposed
to meet, I was getting angry AND hungry and ordered dinner.
But within a few minutes of ordering, I began to get worried,
having visions of her in a car accident, or mugged, or worse. I
decided I'd better skip the meal -- the waitress was incredibly
gracious, refusing my offer to pay anyway -- and started to dash out
of the restaurant, planning to search the route between her class and
the restaurant. As I headed for the door, I heard someone shout my
name. I turned around and sure enough, there she sat, in a booth by
herself. We'd *both* been sitting in that stupid restaurant, not more
than 30 feet from one another, for over an hour, watching for each
other but neither one seeing the other. As it happened, there had
been a couple seated at a table DIRECTLY between us. We both laughed,
cooling off from the impatience we'd each developed with the other's
imagined tardiness. The restaurant staff had a good laugh too; we'd
had different waiters, so they hadn't put it together that we might
be waiting for each other. It was colossally silly! But it's not
what you want when you want things to go well.

SECOND, this same friend and I went to a local, fairly classy, bar to
hear a jazz singer. We were seated near the back, on stools at small
high tables. My stool was slightly forward of hers. At one point during
the show, I leaned backward to say something to her -- BIG mistake. My
stool started to tip, I freaked and grabbed for the table. On the table
was a glass of wine -- the glass flew off the table and shattered on the
floor. EVERYbody turned to stare at what had happened. My ears were on fire.
I was traumatized. I felt like I was in a Steve Martin movie, and I was
Steve Martin. I just couldn't get anything to go right with this woman.

After all that, I decided I was beginning to discover the meaning of
"starcrossed," and backed way off.

-- Jeff
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Engagement Gifts for MEN
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1992 15:36:28 GMT

markway1112@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:

: Here's something to get those romantic wheels turning!  My boyfriend and
: I are considering marriage seriously, and I've been daydreaming about
: when he "pops the question".  On that special day, I'd like to give him
: an engagement gift too- I always thought it was unfair that only the
: girl got somthing!! :)  Men, what would you like to receive as an
: engagement token?  (My personal bias is a watch, but that's only because
: I can't think of anything else!!)  By the way, he's not one to wear
: rings (except for a wedding band, as he's told me :)  )

I don't have any great ideas, except to say that it should (IMHO) be
something masculine.  As an engagement ring is feminine and expresses
his feelings for you, so should your gift be masculine and express your
feelings for him.  If it's something like a watch, engraving it with a
personal message would be a nice touch.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/269-8125
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.romance
From: jcr@mbunix.mitre.org (Rogers)
Subject: Re: asking out a stranger
Organization: The MITRE Corporation, Bedford, MA
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1992 16:23:50 GMT

Michel Goudeseune <marcelg@zooid.guild.org> writes:

>  (... describes meeting attractive lifeguard....)
>
> Her response was that she didn't want to go out with one
> of the patrons of the pool;  she also hasn't gone out with
> any of the other guards there.

I can see this as reasonable -- lots of folks try not to date
those they see in a professional capacity. But you always have
the option of finding another place to swim, then approaching
her again.

> She's not ignoring me when I show up at the pool, and is still very
> friendly, but this still leaves me in a bit of a bind.
> ....
> My current plans (once my mind clears a bit :-) ) are to ask her out
> to lunch at some point just to talk, and get to know her as a person.

I would say this sounds fine, but based on the first conversation, I'd
suggest being extremely clear that you want to be just friends, at least
for now, since she has explicitly defined her rule against relationships
with pool-folks. If your brother's right, her limits may be even more
strict, and she may not even want to see you as a friend outside the
pool (that sounds silly, though). In that case, I'd say try to move on --
there *are* other friendly women out there, many without such proscriptions!
But if you're feeling strong and are willing to be persistent (and
perhaps persistently rejected for a while), you might keep trying.

Good Luck --
             Jeff R.
Organization: Arizona State University
Date: Wednesday, 22 Jul 1992 19:31:22 MST
From: <ICSAA@ASUACAD.BITNET>
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: A first hello?

I have been reading alt-romance for some time, but have only figured out how
to post (I hope).  You seem such a delightful bunch, and my husband is gone
for a month, and I hope that I can perhaps participate. . . Would someone pleas
e let me know if I've blown it?  Anyway, to shorten the story and point my post
 how do you all handle longish but intermittent separations?  I send letters,
he calls, but it's lonesome at home.
                                    thanks.
                                            Stefani
From: tlr@penguins.East.Sun.COM (Tammy Roncadori - Administrator Sun Washington D.C.)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Cologne (was Re: male sex appeal)
Date: 22 Jul 1992 10:57:15 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Distribution: world
Reply-To: tlr@penguins.East.Sun.COM
NNTP-Posting-Host: penguins.east.sun.com

Uh .... noone died and made me net.god(dess).  I'm not the one initiating
insults nor am I the one misusing the network.  I am fully aware of where
to go to flame someone, and where to appropriately post items,  are you?  
I think not since you continue to post all your responses to the network.  
It's situations like this that make newsgroups unattractive to people.  
If you would care to continue this off the newsgroup, you have my 
address.  Once again, thank you very much Mr. Carp.


Tammy

>
>: >How RUDE!  What an ASSHOLE....
>: >-- 
>: >Ed Carp, N7EKG	
>: 
>: I think it is VERY rude to get off the subject also and that person is a 
>: major ASSHOLE....  I do believe the article revolved around cologne, not
>: flaming smokers.  If you don't like cigarette smoke, start a thread where
>: appropriate otherwise, keep your feelings to yourself.  Thank you very
>: much Mr. Carp.
>
>Uh ... who died and made you net.god{dess}?  Take your insults to alt.flame,
>which is where followups are (appropriately) directed to.
>-- 
>Ed Carp, N7EKG