From: kji+@SPEECH1.CS.CMU.EDU (Kathi Iannamico)
Subject: Re:loss and how to adjust
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 16:41:01 GMT
Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon
Originator: kji@SPEECH1.CS.CMU.EDU

I'm sorry about your loss.  

I'm writing this because, although I may repeat what others have posted,
I think you want to hear as many ideas as possible, and to have those
ideas reinforced.  The reason this may happen is because you are not the
only one who has had this experience.  It may be strangely comforting
to you that you are not alone, that many people are struggling with the 
same anger and the same guilt and the same sadness.  And all of these
people, along with you, have asked: what if I had only done this, or
seen this coming, or said this?  And it's all perfectly understandable
because you are a human being, and because you were lucky enough in
your life to have escaped the solitude we all fear, and found someone
who loved you and desired to share her solitude with you; and that
is not a small thing, to decide to share what you are with someone else.
Now she is dead, and alone or not alone, you miss her, because you love 
her and will probably always love her.  And what adds to your grief is
not only that she died so quickly, you did not have the time to say
'good-bye', or 'I love you', but that you feel you are to blame for her 
death.  That blame is so entangled in every emotion, you can no longer
enjoy your children, your new relationship, or the trivialities of life
that add so much to the human experience, because you feel you don't 
deserve to be happy, and that as soon as you are something will happen
to destroy it.

Well, one way you may want to look at this is: everyone must die, and just
as there is a pre-ordained time for people to be born, there is specific
time when a person must die.  Maybe, had you known Bonnie, or not known
Bonnie, she still would have awakened on that day so like any other,
and by nightfall, have died, just as she died when she was with you.
The difference is that while she was alive, she felt you important and
special enough to share her last years or months of her life with you, 
and trusted you enough to make you a part of her son's life.  And you
did not expediate her death by carelessness or abandon; you were in
an accident.  You didn't deliberatley head for the train; you were in
an accident.  

So, what is left?  Your children.  They must not be cheated out of your
attention.  Or you will someday feel guilty about them too.  A year is not
that long, and children are resilient; you'll be surprised how quickly
they take their 'old father' back.  Then there is the woman with whom
you share your life.  It seems as though she really loves you, but no
one should live with a ghost forever; it's not fair, and it will drive
her away, and you will have something else to feel guilty about.

Imagine that it is ten years from now.  Your children have grown, you
may or may not be in a relationship, and you may or may not have given
your all to your job, or your life.  Ten years can pass and you may have
nothing at the end to account for your life.  You ignored your children,
and now they have problems, you're alone, you have no job.  You can only
think about how you killed Bonnie, and wish with all your being
that you could go back ten years and start all over again.  Or, you
can start building your life back together, with all the elements that
make any life worth its existence, and ten years from now, in spite of
all the pain, you can say you did everything you could to make a life for
yourself and those you love, and think how Bonnie would be proud of you
for doing so.