From: noraa@cbnewsk.cb.att.com (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Subject: Grandparents' Rights/48 Hours
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 03:37:29 GMT

Last night I was talking to a co-worker.  He and his wife have been
married for something like 24 years.  He has several children and one
daughter who is about 15.  Anyway, this daughter has many friends, but
almost all her friends are products of broken marriages.  In fact, of
all her close friends, she is the only one from an intact home.

It's a glaring statement on marriage as an institution.  Of the people
I know who have good marriages, they concede it has been very difficult
to stay married.  It takes a great deal of compromise and an
understanding that things will not always be good - sometimes it just
sucks.

But the reason for this post is not to discuss the institution of
marriage.  It is more to discuss how the prevalence of divorce has
created an entire class of victims.  Besides the non-custodial parent
becoming the victim of divorces, the non-custodial parent's extended
family often suffers the same pain, frustration, humiliation and
degradation in regards to spending time with the children of the
marriage.

I was at a meeting last month and a woman and her son were also in the
audience.  They told of a one-year struggle to be able to see her
grandchildren, his niece and nephew.  I was touched by their struggle,
because it hits home with me, but I want you to understand what they
have had to deal with for the last year.

Over a year ago her daughter/his sister was killed.  They did not
describe the circumstances of her death, but you could tell that they
were very suspicious of the entire event.  The deceased woman's husband
did not have a funeral, had his wife cremated, buried the urn with
ashes in a cemetery and the grave site is unmarked.  Their pain that
they did not get to "bury" their relative was evident.  That they can't
even find the spot where she was buried makes it even harder for them.
But things got worse after the death.

The husband, by law, became sole custodian of the children of the
marriage.  He was not fully able to take care of the children and
support himself and them, so the children now live primarily with his
mother.  He visits the children all the time.  However, both he and his
mother have conspired to thwart any attempts by his deceased-wife's
family of having any contact with the children.  The deceased mother's
family members have pleaded and begged for a year to see these kids -
to no avail.  They finally obtained a lawyer and are filing for
grandparents' visitation rights as defined by Ohio law.

That this woman openly wept as she described this struggle was
indicative of the pain, suffering and frustration she has had to deal
with - just to see her grandchildren.

Why does this hit home with me?

My mother and step-father, my grandmother and one of my brothers were
able to see my two sons for the first time in one year - almost to the
day - this weekend.  And to top it off - my ex2b was present the whole
time - it was the only way she would allow my family to see my
children.

She claims that they weren't interested in seeing my sons.  I know the
truth.  Last September, my ex2b, in a phone call with one of my
brothers, stated, "I will see to it that neither Aaron, nor any of his
family members will ever see my children again."  And she tried to do
just that.  She refused to allow me to see my children for 90 days,
then I got a court order providing for supervised visitation, at my
expense.  I was able to see my children for 14 hours over a 7 month
period.  She canceled visits routinely, and would call me at work and
tell me that if I want to see my children, I had to pay.  The entire
time this went on, I was paying $1038.22 per month in child support.

This subjugation of my parental rights was a result of my ex2b having
charges filed against me for child endangerment for spanking my sons.
It took 10 months and almost $5000 to overcome that charge, but the
court treated me like I was a common criminal the entire time.

Still, the court did grant unsupervised visits starting in March.
However, I could not take my children anywhere, nor did I get them
overnight.  Because both of my parents were working strange hours and
were scheduled to work on weekends, neither was able to travel the 2.5
to 5 hours to see my children for a few hours.

Then after almost 6 weeks of unsupervised visits, my ex2b, less than
two weeks before the charges she had filed against me were dismissed,
alleged that I sexually molested my children.  For the next 8 weeks, I
was able to see my sons for about 16 hours at an additional cost of
approximately $400.

My ex2b's parents had told my mother about 8 months ago that if she
wanted to see my children, she could come to Columbus and see them at
their house for a few hours.  She could not take the children anywhere,
nor could I be present.  She also was not to bring any of my brothers
or anyone else with her.  My mother would not agree to see my sons
under such circumstances.  My ex2b's family was trying to treat her
like a criminal.

My mother and one of my brothers attended one of my hearing dates in
March.  At the end of a long day of my ex2b's attorney trying to thwart
many attempts of me getting visitation with my children, my ex2b came
up to my mother and told her that if she wanted to see my sons, she
could.  In fact, she could see them that very night.  This was about
4:00 pm and my ex2b told my mother that she could stop by her house at
7:30 or 8:00.  But my mother could not bring my brother and I could not
be present.  My mother had to work the next day and still had to drive
three hours to get home, and my mother would, once again, have to see
my children completely under my ex2b's circumstances and completely in
accordance with her rules.  My mother was especially leery of my ex2b
making allegations against her - everyone involved in this case is
afraid of my ex2b making allegations to get what she wants - after all,
she was doing it for over a year and getting away with it every time.
My mother talked to my attorney about it, who was just as repulsed by
my ex2b's attitude as anyone.  My ex2b just has to make the whole
experience as degrading and humiliating as possible.

It is also important to note that my ex2b's attorney told the referee
in court that day that I should not be allowed to take my children to
see their extended family on my side.  He told the referee that my
family has a history of alcoholism and child abuse.  He told the
referee that my brother kept loaded guns laying around the house.  He
expressed that my parent's house was not very nice and that there were
not adequate facilities to take care of my children there.

The home he was describing is not either of my parent's homes. He was
describing a house in Milan, Indiana.  My mom lives in Seymour, Indiana
and my dad lives in Hamilton, Ohio.  Both of my parents' homes are
nicer than my ex2b's and her parents' house.  The home in Milan,
Indiana is where two of my brothers live.  And it is nicer than my
ex2b's house.

One of my brothers hunts and he has several guns.  The guns are always
locked up and are never, ever loaded.  None of my family members is
abusive or violent.  None has ever been charged with anything besides
traffic violations.  None of my family members has a drinking problem
and only a few drink anything at all.  Both of my parents are remarried
to intelligent, responsible people - good, kind people.  I like and
respect both of my step-parents.

So, who are my family members and what are they really like?  Well, my
father is a long-haul truck driver.  He has been one of the highest
rated drivers in the US for years now, both for his safety record and
his performance on tests and at national contests.  My mother works in
a mental institution taking care of mentally retarded patients.  My
dad's wife is a legal secretary who types 110 WPM.  My mom's husband
works in a factory that makes ironing boards and bed-frames.  He also
reads voraciously - consuming a book a week for over 30 years.  That he
knows more than many history professors is understood.  I have four
brothers.  One turned 31 today - the 31st.  He is a plumber.  He
graduated 7th in his class, but did not go to college at the insistence
of my maternal grandfather who wanted him to take over his plumbing
business.  Another brother is 28.  He is a journeyman electrician and
works in a factory.  He is very active in politics.  Another brother is
22.  He is a student of nursing at Miami University.  My youngest
brother is 16.  He is very active in sports and is and has been
enrolled in an honors program for years.  When he graduates high
school, he will be a sophomore in college.  His high school co-oped
with Indiana University-Purdue University Incorporated (IUPUI) to
establish such a program.  Both of my grandmothers are alive and well.
One was the oldest of 11 children and had four children herself.  She
was a homemaker and mother until my grandfather died.  Then she worked
in a clothing store until she retired.  My deceased grandfather worked
all his life in a steel mill.  He was one of the nicest men you could
ever meet.  My other grandmother was the second youngest of 13
children.  She was a "Rosy the Riveter" in WWII, worked in factories,
worked in a children's clothing store - lots of things.  Her husband,
my maternal grandfather, was a plumber, boy-scout leader, electrician,
general contractor, served in WWII as a medic and saw some really
terrible things.  He completes the crossword puzzle everyday in the
Cincinnati Enquirer.  He attended college and broke both of his ankles
playing football at Indiana University.  He and my grandmother were
active in groups like the Masons and Order of Eastern Star.  I spent a
great deal of time in my youth running around Masonic temples while
people paraded around in ball gowns and suits.

There is only one PhD in the immediate family - that is my dad's
brother.  I might be the second, if my youngest brother doesn't beat me
to it.

And who am I?  Well, I was an outgoing, out-spoken young child.  I had
long hair until I was 20.  I graduated 3rd in my class and my SAT score
was 1270.  I was president of student council and judge in a school
court program that I created.  I wrote the constitution for my high
school.  I helped establish the honors program that my younger brother
is taking part in.  I studied Electrical Engineering and Electronics
Engineering Technology in college.  My minors were in English and
Computer Science.  I worked as a DJ for a college radio station for two
years.  I had a landlord who worked for CBS records and he and one of
my roommates produced an album.  Henry Lee Summer and Susan Clark were
two of the artists on that album.  I taught Nuclear, Biological and
Chemical warfare for a military school for almost 9 months.  I went
into technical writing in 1987 and have been doing it for 5 years.  I
write the system administration documentation for the operating system
that manages AT&T's long-distance network around the world.

All-in-all, it is simply a pretty middle-class family.  Hard-working,
honest, sincere people.  That their rights can be minimized by the
actions of a contentious spouse and that the courts do virtually
nothing to recognize their rights in regards to my children, well,
that's what I'm writing about.

What was interesting about what my ex2b's attorney told the referee
that day back in March was that my attorney laughed out loud about it
after we left the courtroom.  She stated something like, "Geesh, the
things some attorneys have to say in court for their clients."  But
then, when the referee wrote up his RULING, it was like he had taken it
all to heart - had believed every word of it.  He ruled I could not
take my children to see any of their family members and stated, "If the
defendant's mother wants to see the children, she can drive to Columbus
and see them."  But what about the other 18 family members?  What about
my grandfather, who has been in and out of the hospital for the last
few weeks, who can't travel, who is 75 years old and is not doing very
well?  He has two great-grandsons - and they are both my sons.  What
about my brothers?  What about my father?  None of them were even
worthy of mentioning.

My parents and extended family members are entitled, by law, to regular
visits with my children.  At a hearing later this month, I will work to
insure that the court abides by the law and grants them scheduled time
with my children.  Otherwise, the court will just try to write them out
of the picture with the stroke of a pen - act like they don't care, act
like they don't even exist, act like their rights are not important,
act like their pain is not real.

So, why did I write all this?  Well, as many of you know, I produce a
Newsletter here in central Ohio on fathers' rights.  Both the
Newsletter and the local fathers' right group have captured a great
deal of attention lately.  48 Hours is coming to Columbus on September
14th and will be here for a week to do a story on us.  And I want to
tell them about Grandparents' Rights and how grandparents can be
victims too in this terrible world known commonly as the land of
domestic relations law.

I would appreciate it if you see a local news story on Grandparents'
Rights that you annotate it and post it.  I want personal stories, I
want to give the folks at 48 Hours something real, something sincere
and something important to think about.  I'm not the only person out
there who has been through this, I know that.  And I want the people
throughout this country to be aware of what is happening and how it
desperately needs to be changed.

Thanks in advance for your help,

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer 
TR@CBNEA.ATT.COM
Xref: sparky alt.dads-rights:2179 alt.child-support:3026 soc.men:15850 soc.women:16074 misc.kids:22440