From: xtkmg@trentu.ca (Kate Gregory)
Subject: Re: Examples for discussion (was Re: Plain Talk About Spanking (long))
Organization: Trent University, Ontario
Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1992 20:43:21 GMT

In article <1992Nov06.235228.2222640@locus.com> judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer) writes:
>I've gotten several replies asking that I share the information from our
>Parenting class.  Here's three scenarios.  The object is to think up
>logical consequences for the behavior of the child.  The important ingredient
>to logical consequences is that you must be just as content to allow the
>consequences to happen as the behavior.  The idea is instilling in your
>children the ability to learn to choose appropriate behavior.  
>
>----
>
>"You tell your 6 YO that you need to vacuum the floor and he needs to pick
>up his toys.  An hour later and the toys are not picked up."
>
>I particularly liked this one because one of the obvious answers (vacuum up
>the toys) won't work for me.  You see, I really care about my kids toys.  I
>like to find all the little pieces to a toy and make sure that they are all
>there (or search the house and yard for them).  So I would not be just as
>content to allow the consequences to happen.  I would be really upset if I
>vacuumed up or threw away my kids toys.  I would not allow him the 
>responsibility if that were the consequence.
>
Well, who says you have to vacuum them up and throw them away? That's
not what occurs to me at first. I would say something like "you are
showing me I can't always trust you to play with these toys responsibly"
and then put the toys up high or in my room or some such. I would make
it clear the toys were not gone forever, and could in fact be played
with anytime that I knew I wouldn't mind cleaning them up. And that
they'd be returned to the general pool of toys once responsible play
was the norm again. And I'd be sure to indicate not only in words but in
body language and tone of voice that responsible play was indeed the
norm. I would not extend the putting-away to toys other than those
on the floor.

>-----
>And here's one from one of the class members himself:
>
>"Your 4 year old forgets to flush the toilet.  This is one of your pet
>peeves and you really cannot allow it to continue."
>
>The second sentence here was important because my 4 YO forgets to flush
>the toilet and it really doesn't bother me, I just flush it myself. But
>this father just cannot stand it when his daughter forgets.  And, parents
>have rights in their own homes.
>
She is not acting like someone who can be trusted to do the
whole toilet thing alone. She is acting like someone who needs to
be followed into the bathroom and checked up on. I doubt very much
she would enjoy those consequences. I would make it very clear
that I'm sure she graduate to full toilet responsibilities soon,
and that includes flushing every time, and that I will be happy
to stop being the toilet monitor and she will be happy to
be trusted in the bathroom.

Your classmate presumably would rather flush the toilet for her
right away than after it has been smelling up the bathroom
for a while.

>-----
>"Your 15 year old is supposed to be home at 8 PM.  It is now 10 PM and 
>and your child comes sauntering into the house."
>
Again the child is demonstrating she is not yet ready to be trusted
with a certain level of responsibility. The classic consequences here
would be "you are not allowed to go out alone for the next week",
which was called grounding when I was a teen. Slightly more embarassing
consequences could include you going to the party to pick her up
if she's more than 5 minutes late, or insisting that all social
stuff goes on at your house so you can send everyone home when
you think they should. 

-------------
Here's one of my own: logical consequences for dawdling. The only
one I've been able to come up with is to include a certain amount
of slack time in the schedule, time to stop on the way and do something
fun. Then dawdling is eating into the fun time without making us
late. But this approach doesn't get me through my day any faster
or get me the extra time I need to put to billables. Who can think
of anything? I'm sure there will be an age variation: what speeds
up a toddler will not work on a teen, for example, but I'd like to
hear a wide spectrum.

Kate

Newsgroups: misc.kids