From: andsol@owlnet.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg)
Subject: Re: Apologies
Keywords: die rat bastard
Organization: Rice University
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 01:28:48 GMT

So anyway, I'm just sitting here minding my own business, right?  So I'm
idly flipping through today's alt.flame offerings, meager as always, and
I spot THIS:

In article <78080@ut-emx.uucp>, swb@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Steve Buffum) writes:

[*PLONK* deleted]

|> 	Neener neener neener.
|> 
|> 					Steve.

Ahem.

Neener...

Neener...

Neener?!!

Steve.  Steve-O.  Stevedore.  Old buddy.  Let's talk.


In my several centuries of existence in the hallowed halls of a.f., I have
seen many insults, expostulations, sexual entendres, and other examples
of verbal suppuration.  However, 'Neener Neener Neener' is new to me, at
least with respect to those who wish to post to this fine and civilized
group.  Junior High School girls with serious orthodontic problems, nubbin-
sized mammaries and unbleeding groins are appropriate originators of
'Neener Neener Neener'.  You, however, are an attendee of an Institution
of Higher Learning.  I recommend you leave 'Neener Neener Neener' by the
roadside.

Ah, Newbies.  Somehow, they make it all worthwhile.  Without 'em, this
group would be 100% composed of grumpy oldbies and coltish battered
choirboys with dull eyes.  But the younglings are like a breath of
fresh air.  Me, I love 'em.  Why, just imagine...imagine....I A I E
                                                             M G N ........

****************************************************************************

(Andrew is awakened by soft, lilting harp music.  Andrew sits up and looks
around.  He finds himself in a cloud-strewn landscape which is dotted with
angelic figures.  Andrew stops one of them...)

Andrew: Hold it, you.  Tell me where I am or I will ridicule you in front
   of 50,000 readers.
 
Steve: Why, you're in Newbieland!  This is where the clueless Newbies go
   during the long, hot summer months!  While ordinary working stiffs like
   you go about your business, we frolic and play here in the Cotton Candy
   Hills and while away the time!  And then, when school starts back up,
   we jump on your groups and send the traffic through the roof!  Isn't
   that keen?

Andrew:  No.  No, it is not.  It would be very keen if you were creative,
   or original, or ANYTHING, but you are just recyclers of material that
   wasn't very good the first time around.  You are baby Harp Seals, and
   I harvest your downy fur with my whalebone tools.

Steve:  Oh Yeah?!  Well, same to you, dirtybutt!!

Andrew:  See what I mean?

(Off in the distance, a somber parade of individuals troops toward our
anti-heroes.)

Andrew:  Who are they?

Steve: Oh, that's the Fundies.  They're rehearsing for their big
   Matriculation assault on the controversial groups.

Andrew:  They hang out here too?  GAH!! (shouting) HEY!!  JESUS WAS REBORN
   AS MY GOLDFISH, BUT I FED HIM TOO MUCH AND NOW HE JUST *FLOATS* ON WATER!!

(The Fundies look perturbed.)
   
Kevin L. McBride:  Yeah!  *FLOATS* on water!  Yeah!

Andrew: Shaddap!  Ugh, Parrots!  I HATE them!

Steve:  They're all parts of Newbiedom, Andrew!

Andrew:  I don't like it here anymore -- I wanna go home!  Hmm....no ruby
   slippers....wait!  I'll do something non-Newbielike!  That should 
   propel me back to reality!  Why....I think I'll actually FLAME somebody!
   Here we go.....

   Steve, you weak-chested parody of a man:

   Your last post was inexcusably dull and poor.  Note that I am judging
   by the standards of this group, which means that you have REALLY plonked
   it this time.  You have done nothing to dispel your current rep as a 
   Plaything of the Cruel and Mighty.

   When your anorexic mother spewed you forth from her necrotic womb, did
   she implant in your dysfunctional gangliar net some kind of post-
   hypnotic suggestion to make a fool of yourself at every turn?  Are you
   cursed by some powerful, otherworldly force to embarrass yourself before
   the international community?  Are you one of these wackos who goes to
   a big baseball game, stands up, and defecates before a crowd of thousands?
   In short, WHY?

   No, don't answer that -- your hydrocephalic little gourd is overtaxed as
   it is.  Suffice it to say that WE, the Ancient Ones, have grown
   wrothful at your sloth and stupidity.  WE know that, despite your 
   affiliation with a learning establishment just this side of a vocational
   school, you are capable of so much more -- photosynthesis, perhaps --
   and we long for the days when your posts will dramatically improve, i.e.
   when you go away forever.

   Some parting comments:

   The Follow-up Trap is passe.  Only the weak and clueless pull that stunt.
   The Elementary School kids used to steal your lunch money.  They still do.
   I won't let your Dad shine my shoes anymore, even if he does need the money.
   When "CHiP's" comes on, you whip it out and masturbate furiously until Erik
      Estrada's Latino visage is entirely obscured.
   Whenever you go on a date, you get the *worst* gas....
   I got pictures of your Mom naked, but I can't give them away.
   Your acne makes your skin look like bubble-wrap.
   Your breath smells like Pez.
   You go without wiping for weeks.
   You have no life.
   You will have no after-life.
   Why don't you check it out anyway?  Couldn't be worse....

*POOF!!*

***************************************************************************

Whew!  Thank goodness it was only a dream!

....or was it?

(Dramatic Chord)

-- 
Andrew Solberg          |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!" 
Undying University Mooch|              Anon. Outraged British Woman
andsol@owlnet.rice.edu  |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
Phone:713-529-8627      |              Winston Churchill

			
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