From: stevey@cs.washington.edu (Stephen Yegge)
Subject: Clown joke
Organization: Computer Science & Engineering, U. of Washington, Seattle
Date: Fri, 17 Apr 92 05:00:01 GMT


   So it all started with this little kid.  This kid had a favorite
TV show, one of those local kids' playhouse-type shows, you know,
the ones that always have a Clown.  This show had a Clown, all right,
and the kid loved it.  All the kids loved it, because this Clown was
different.  He would pick little kids from the studio audience and
have them come up on the stage.  Then the Clown would slam the poor
kid with an insult, and the kid might cry a little, but all the 
other kids loved it, and the show was popular.  Our kid had Clown
hats, Clown shirts, Clown posters all over his room--he was a real
fanatic about his show.
   Well you can imagine the kid got to thinking, "This clown is
good--no, this clown is GREAT, but he *has* to be better in real
life."  The kid started wanting to see the show pretty bad, and 
he told his mom about it.  She said, "Honey, that show is really
expensive--the tickets are $200.  I don't know where you're going
to come up with all that money, since you've spent all your 
allowance on Clown stuff."
   But the kid was determined.  He watched the show every day and
he knew, just KNEW, that he had to see the show in person.  It 
would be spectacular.  There had to be a way to get the money. So
he started on a paper route, pretty nice achievement for a ten-
year-old, and worked on it early mornings and after school.  Things
went well for a few weeks, but it was clear that he wasn't making
money fast enough, so he started washing people's cars and selling
lemonade.  The money was coming in faster now, and pretty soon he
had enough for the ticket.  His mom took the money and bought the
ticket, and the Big Day was to be on friday.  The kid was so 
excited he almost peed his pants, poor guy.
   The big day came and his mom took him to the studio.  He found
his seat and looked around.  Boy, this show was bigger than he had
thought!  It was getting a lot of publicity and now there were 
*hundreds* of kids in the audience.  All the kids were whispering
excitedly and suddenly...
   The lights went dark.
   A spotlight appeared.
   The spotlight shined on the Clown and the Clown grinned, "So!  Who
are we going to pick on TODAY?!!"  All the little kids starting 
pointing at all the other little kids, and there were lots of
Not-me's floating around, when the Clown spotted our kid.  "Hey" he
said, pointing at the kid.  "How about...YOU!" 
   The kid was stunned.  Of all the people in the audience, the Clown
had picked HIM!  He made his way down to the stage somehow and 
stood shaking.  All the other kids were quiet with anticipation.
The Clown looked the kid up and down, and asked:
   "Are you the horses head?"
   "N-n-n-no,"  the kid replied nervously and happily.
   "I see," mused the Clown.  "Then are you the horses feet?"
   "N-not the feet, no, not feet!"  The kid was really dazed.
   "Well then," the Clown concluded, "you must be........
THE HORSES ASS!!!"
   The crowd went wild.  Ha, ha, ha, the little kids laughed and
laughed, great one!  The kid laughed a little, too, but then he
saw everyone laughing and pointing and shouting "Horses ass! Ha,
ha!"  He started crying and ran out of the studio.  He got to
a phone and called his mom, still crying and said "Mom, come
take me home! I never want to see this stupid show again!" and
she came right away to pick him up.  He told her what had 
happened and she told him "Hee hee, it's OK, my little horses
ass--oops!" (She thought it was cute.)
   But the kid thought otherwise, and wanted everyone to forget
the whole embarrassing episode.  He laid low for the weekend 
and didn't call any of his friends or take any calls.  When
monday rolled around, no one was going to remember.
   And monday did come, much to his dismay, so he put on his
most inconspicuous-looking clothes and snuck to school.  He
quietly tip-toed into the classroom and then all the kids
were laughing and shouting "Horses ass! Horses ass!", even
the teacher was in tears.  Then the kid noticed the big banner
on the chalkboard with a horses behind on it, and his picture
stuck right in the middle.  He turned white and ran out amidst
the laughter.  
   Then the kid changed a little.  He realized that the Clown
had ruined his life, and he swore a very adult oath, vowed that
he would get his revenge on the Clown no matter how high the
cost.  He didn't know how yet, but he was going to get back at
that Clown somehow.
   So he packed his few clothes that didn't have clowns on them
into a scarf and tied it to a stick, slung the stick over his
shoulder and set out to get revenge.  He wandered the streets
for weeks, and weeks turned to months.  Meanwhile the show
grew in popularity.  It got picked up by a larger network and
began airing all over the county, and soon spread to other 
counties.  The kid saw, and knew his revenge would be all the
sweeter because of it.
   One day the kid heard about this Oregon Kid who couldn't be
touched by an insult.  *Nobody* had managed to break this 
Oregon Kid's cool front, and everyone soon realized it was
futile and gave up trying to slam him.  Our little kid's 
interest perked and he thought, "This could be it.  If I can
just get him to come on the show."  Of course he had to find
the Oregon Kid first, and searching after a rumor can take
some time, but our kid was patient.  He had a Mission.  He
set out for Oregon and began searching.  
   The show grew and grew.  Now it was nationwide and had
a full hour slot during prime-time.  The Clown was among
the most popular personalities of the decade, rubbing shoulders
with movie stars and politicians.  Our kid knew the time was
ripe, and soon he found the fabled Oregon Kid.  "Please," he
begged, "Come on the show--I'll buy your ticket!  I'll give
you fifty bucks!  Just come on the show for me!"
   The Oregon Kid thought it over and agreed.  "Sure, kid.
I'll come on the show for fifty bucks."  Boy, our kid was
ecstatic now!  His revenge was as good as accomplished.
   The big day came, and they headed down to the studio.
They were in for quite a shock--the show was being filmed in
a giant arena now, one that seated thousands and thousands 
of people.  And it was packed, too.  Bloodthirsty kids were
everywhere, cheering and laughing, waiting for the moment
when the Clown would arrive and start his act.
   The lights went dark.
   A spotlight appeared.
   The spotlight shined on the Clown, and the Clown grinned, "So!
Who are we going to pick on TONIGHT?!!"  All the thousands of
kids started yelling and pointing, but the Oregon Kid just
stayed seated, coolly surveying the scene.  The Clown looked 
around and spotted the Oregon Kid among all the others, and
saw that there was something a little different about this kid.
"How about.............YOU!"  The Clown pointed right at the
Oregon kid, and all the others looked over to see this 13-year-
old kid in a leather jacket, smiling mysteriously back at the
Clown.  The Oregon kid got up, pulled out a cigarette, lit up,
and proceeded leisurely down to the stage.  All the kids got
real quiet; they knew this was going to be a showdown.  Our kid
was amazed--his hopes had been dashed when he saw how large the
audience was, and he didn't think there was any chance that the
Oregon Kid would get selected.  Our kid was just about wetting
his pants with anticipation.  This was going to be his great
moment.
   The Clown looked at the Oregon kid and saw that he maybe had
a little competition here.  This kid wasn't your ordinary fool.
The Clown decided he had to use something tried-and-true, an
insult that always worked, a clean kill, so to speak.  The Clown
grinned down at the Oregon Kid and said:
   "So, Kid!  Are you the horses head?"
    The Oregon Kid took a drag off his cigarette and puffed some
smoke into the Clown's face (on national TV, mind you) and
after a long moment, shook his head a little, with that secret
smile still on his lips.  "No."
   "Well then, are you perchance the horses ...  feet?"
   The Oregon kid looked the Clown up and down, took another
casual drag off his cigarette and amusedly puffed, "No."
   "Then you must be....THE HORSES ASS!!!!"
   The crowd went wild.  The little kid was jumping up and 
down, screaming "C'mon, c'mon--get him!"
   And the Oregon Kid said:






   "Hey fuck you, Clown"


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Heard it from my friend; it's been in his family for a long time :)
I don't think my narration even touches the original, oh well.
Try saying it out loud to someone, make the Oregon kid a real cool
customer, esp. on those No's.  Hope you enjoyed it.

Steve Yegge
stevey@cs.washington.edu