From: dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.soviet
Subject: Some Soviet emigre welfare jokes
Summary: wwidu populqrnosti \toj temy...
Keywords: welfare, foodstamps, Soviet emigres
Date: Tue, 05 Jan 93 23:31:03 EST
Organization: Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.

Why did the Soviet emigre cross the road?

To apply for welfare on the other side.

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Why do Soviet emigres have such fat wallets?

To carry all their foodstamps.

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How do Soviet emigres count their food stamps?

Von, too, trree, foe, fife, seeks, enozza, enozza, enozza, book.

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How does a newly arrived Soviet emigre woman survive until her first welfare
check?

She dresses on credit and undressed for cash.

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An old Soviet emigre is dying. He is lying in bed, surrounded by his numerous
family.

``Is Misha here?'' he asks.

``Yes, I here.''

``Is Rita here?''

``Yes, I here too.''

``Is Alyosha here?''

``Yes, everybody with you.''

``Then who went to apply for foodstamps?''

(a KTO VE PO{EL OFORMLQTX FUDST|MPY?)

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Why did an old Soviet emigre woman ask that she be cremated and her ashes
scattered at the welfare office?

So her children would visit her once a month.

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A Soviet emigre comes to a check-cashing office to cash a welfare check. The
clerk asks him to sign on the back. The Soviet emigre writes three little
crosses.

``I've seen people sign with a cross, but why three?''

``One is for my first name, one is for my last name, one is for my master's
degree from Moscow Physical Enginering Institute.''

---

A little Soviet emigre boy asks his mother: ``Mama, did papa just cash his
welfare check?''

``Yes, how did you guess?''

``He's in the bathroom, trying to shave his reflection in the mirror.''

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A Soviet emigre woman is being interviewed at the welfare office.

``How many children?''

``Three.''

``What are their names?''

``All three Olegs.''

``How do they know which one you call?''

``I call by last name.''

---

A Soviet emigre woman walks into a welfare office with her six kids. The social
worker observes that they look pairwise alike.

``Do you always have twins?'' she asks.

``No, most times I don't even get pregnant.''

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A Soviet emigre is asked by a welfare case worker: ``How old is your son?''

``Six year and three month.''

``And how long has he been on welfare?''

``Seven year.''

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A Soviet emigre is sitting outside the welfare office. A voice from the inside
shouts ``Next!''. The emigre doesn't move. A few minutes later the same voice
shouts ``Next!''. The emigre remains seated. The voice repeats ``Next!''. The
emigre gets up, very upset, puts his head through the door and says: ``What the
fuck, it's my turn, I'm Ivanov, yet you keep calling some Next, who not even
here!''

(The above happened to someone I know.)

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A Soviet emigre at a welfare office is applying for medical disability
benefits.

``I've got hemorroids, arthritis, heart trouble...''

``Is there anything that you don't have?'' asks the social worker.

``Yes, teeth!''

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Why did the Soviet emigre ask NYANA for a new refrigerator?

The old one got empty.

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A Soviet emigre writes a letter to the President of the United States, saying:
``Dear Mr.~President, I'm starving, and I have no money. Please send me hundred
dollars.''

The Post Office sees the address on the envelope, figures it must be from a
Soviet emigre, and forwards the letter to NYANA, which sends the Soviet emigre
fifty dollars.

The Soviet emigre writes another letter: ``Dear Mr.~President, thank you for
the money, but I want another fifty dollars, and this time please don't send it
through NYANA, because they'll steal half of it again.''

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The Soviet emigre Vitya writes to his brother Misha in Berdichev that in
America the streets are paved with money, and all one has to do is pick it up.
Soon Vitya is meeting Misha at the airport. As luck would have it, they spot a
twenty dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.

``Why don't you take it,'' says Vitya.

``What, do you expect me to work on my first day here?'' indignantly says
Misha.

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An old woman moves from St.~Petersburg to Brighton Beach, where her son has
lived for several years. Having looked around, she asks: ``How come most
emigres live in basements and you live in outhouse?''

The son replies with pride: ``Emigres on welfare rent basements. I drive taxi
and I bought this outhouse. I even rent the basement to family from Odessa.''

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dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis)
Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.: +1-718-261-2013, 14.4Kbps