From: pw@panix.com (Paul Wallich)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Dating an older woman
Date: 5 Oct 92 21:21:13 GMT
Organization: Trivializers R Us

In article <hoyle.718309423@sfu.ca> hoyle@beaufort.sfu.ca (Michelle Hoyle) writes:
>wall@hel4.brl.mil (Jeff Wall) writes:
>>In article <1992Sep25.154107.21029@tinman.mke.ab.com> incorban@mke.ab.com
>>(Isaac Corban1) writes:
>>>Heres the story.  I'm a guy in his mid 20's and I've recently started dating
>>>a woman in her upper 30's (maybe 40? I haven't asked).  The difference in
>>>age doesn't bother me but there is one thing that has me a little concerned.
>>>She is divorced with two children, an 18 year old daughter and a 12 year old
>>>son.  If you stop and think about the fact that the I'm closer in age to the
>>>daughter than to the woman I'm dating, well I'm worried about how her kids
>>>are going to react.  Intellectually I believe that it should not matter.
>>>Years of conservative social indoctrination has got me confused about the
>>>entire situation though.  Anyone out there been in a similar situation?
>>>anyone got any advice for me?
>
>>I dated an older woman for about a year.  I was 23 and she was 36.  She had two
>>boys, 6 and 10 years old.  This was really no problem in my situation the kids
>>were young enough that I wasn't going to be identifying with them.  The
>>realationship went really well, the only reason we aren't seeing each other now
>>is that I had to move.  :-(
>>I really had no problem with her age, in fact I enjoyed the more mature aspects
>>of our relationship.  There wasn't the insecurity that I've experienced in
>>other relationships.  Also, the relationship was much more laid back and
>>calmer, there wasn't the petty whining the I have experienced with women my own
>>age or younger.  I attribute this to her maturity.
... 
>I have to wonder though, how large a gap is too large?  I recently watched
>a few talk shows on television on topic.  Shirley (A Canadian talk show)
>had couples with large age gaps and Oprah Winfrey had younger men dating
>older women.  The largest age gap on Shirley was an 16 year old girl
>dating a man in his late thirties, early forties.  The man was old enough
>to be her father, but her mother approved, and they were going to get
>married.  That's quite a substantial age gap.  Is that right?

>Is 8 years too much?  No, not for me.  Is 23 years too much?  Well, I have
>to stop and contemplate.  How about for you?

I think that it's not so much a question of age as of life stages. If
you go with someone significantly older, they are more likely to have
been through certain formative experiences already (which can be either
good or bad) and are probably at a different stage in their career
(which can be bad, especially if you're just starting out and the
career gets in conflict with the relationship). One of you may be
ready to settle down and the other not. (My own experience: five
very interesting years with a woman 8 years older, who is now married
to someone 16 years older than she is.) IMHO it's not so much the
age difference per se as the idea that both members of a relationship
should be adults of vaguely equal standing. That's what sometimes
worries me when I see significant age differences.

paul