From: shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller)
Subject: Re: Picking up the Tab (was: Re: What is gold-digging?)
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 02:55:43 GMT

In article <102646@netnews.upenn.edu> crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu (Lauren L. Crawford) writes:
>In article <1992Dec18.195706.15527@netcom.com> shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller) writes:
>
>>Why did Sam have to ask her?  Doesn't Jane have any class at all?
>>I would have asked ahead of time for details about the date, including
>>whether he would like me to pay him back for my ticket, etc.
>
>>If Sam actually asked her, she should consider herself lucky.
>
>>If she liked his conversation, and enjoyed being with him, she should
>>say yes.  (And this time, treat him a little more fairly!)  If she didn't
>>she should say no.
>
>My suspicions are confirmed.  We really do live on totally different
>planets.  
>
>I'm not sure I'll understand, because we're obviously speaking two vastly
>different languages here, but just how did Jane treat Sam unfairly?

By assuming she could just freeload, instead of finding out how they
were going to split the bills for the date.

Yes, I think we do live on separate planets.  I'm not sure, but it seems
that you think that if a man suggests a date, he had better be prepared
to pay for everything.  I prefer to try to negotiate the financial aspect
so that both parties are happy.  *Lots* of people have posted rules: I
believe that it's much better to simply treat each situation anew and
do what will work for the parties involved.

For example, if I said to you "Lauren, let's go to the movies", would
you expect me to pay your way?

What if John Fereira asked you the same question?

What's the difference? (except that he's cuter... 8-)

The way I would handle it, whether you asked me to the movies, or John
did, would be to be prepared to pay my own way, and would ask "Would you
like me to give you the cash for the ticket, or would you prefer I pick
up the popcorn and such?"  If the person asking said "No, it's my treat."
I would thank them (you) and not make a big stink about it.  On the other
hand, I'd probably be conspiring to do something nice for them (you) at
a later date... 

In the original scenario, it could be that Sam wanted to do that particular
date because he felt that Jane would especially like it, but might not
have been able to afford to spring for the whole thing. He might have 
meant to ask her to go Dutch, and just couldn't bring himself to say the
words.  Or maybe he did ask her to go Dutch, and like me, she has a terrible
memory, and just forgot.  Whatever.  By asking at the time, and trying to
clarify the arrangements (in a polite way) it lets everyone off the hook
and doesn't make anyone guess what will or won't be acceptable.

As an example, men in this group have already said that 1) they would
prefer to pay for the first date 2) they would prefer to have the woman
try to pay her share, and would probably consider her a freeloader if
she didn't, and 3) the asker should pay.

But who was who?  Which one was John Fereira?  Which was Ray Fink?  Did
I even get their stands on the issue correct?  Who was the 3rd person?
Did they even exist?  

It's just all too confusing.  That's why I think chatting about it, and
finding out where the person you're with stands on it, is the best way to
go.  If you do it before the first date, you can even eliminate a "date
from hell" with someone whose philosophy is contrary to your own.

What could be a better bargain?

-- 
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Teri Miller                    tmiller@cisco.com -or- shannah@netcom.com
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Newsgroups: soc.singles,ba.singles