From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Confronting my mother (LONG)
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1992 01:50:26 GMT

sheila writes:

[ story deleted.  but it was a good story.  i congratulate you for standing up
for yourself!  i wish i could have done that for myself many times in my past.]

>I have spent the last month struggling to decide
>what kind of role my parents can play in my life
>and me still be comfortable.  I've talked to my
>therapist and group, husband and friends about this.
>I guess my question is "Is it possible to heal without
>your first family?"  I have put a lot of thought into what

i would say absolutely.  in fact, i would take it a step farther and say that i
don't think it's possible to fully heal with people around who were involved in
ones abuse, or who are not supportive of one's efforts to heal.  it sounds to
me like your mother fits into both of those categories.

they always say "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your
relatives."  well, to that i say bleah!  while it may be technically true, i
don't think it's practically true.  i feel that your *real* family is up to
you.  if some of your genetic relatives aren't healthy for you, why should you
have to put up with them?  and if some of your friends are closer to you and
mean more to you than those genetic relatives, why should they be excluded from
being members of your family?  it seems unfair and arbitrary and limiting to
me.  

so if your first family isn't good enough, get rid of them.  and if you like,
feel free to make for yourself another family.  there's nothing wrong with
that.  

>Dance of Anger says about needing to change how you deal
>with the relationships in your first family in order
>to be successful in other relationships.  I just don't 
>know if I can take anymore of my parents.  

i know what you mean.  towards the end of my highschool years, my mother got
really nuts (i presume over the thought that i was going to go away somewhere
distant for college) and clingy and controling.  in the end she just drove me
away faster.  she left me with no choice but to get the hell out of there, even
if i had been accepted to any local colleges.  now, after a few years, she's
settled down and we can be more like friends, but for a while there i couldn't
take another minute of her.

my dad, on the other hand, well, he always makes me uncomfortable.  yes, i
moved in with dad for college (yes, they're divorced) but in a lot of ways i
didn't know what i was getting into.  i didn't know my dad all that well.  i
didn't know that he was so unpleasant to live with.  my dad is like a stress
factory.  he just sits there and generates it, spewing stress into the air like
some noxious sooty smokestack.  after about 3 years there, i was more than
ready to move out.  sigh, wouldn't it be nice to have had functional parents?
i'm rambling; anyway, i just wanted to say "i empathize."

>Unfortunately,
>experience has shown me that when I separate myself from
>my parents the rest of my family jumps on the bandwagon 
>and of "what a bad daugher Sheila is".  

well, then, you can probably do without them too.  you're not a bad daughter,
you never were.  it was them who were unwilling to face the hard truths about
your family in order to preserve an illusion of normalcy.

>How much does one have to take from their family?
>If I walk away from them will it be realistically possible
>for me to move on and be happy?  That is, have any of you
>honestly been able to do that?

well, nothing.  you don't *have* to take anything from them you don't want to.
my grandmother makes a great example of this.  grandma lives and breathes by
the guilt-trip.  she sends me letters with things in them like "you know jason,
you haven't written me a letter in 8 months.  you know you're my only
grandchild, and that i love your letters so much."  all that would do was make
me not want to write her, because i'd be giving in to a tactic i strongly
disapprove of.  i used to get very uptight about it when she would do that, and
it still irks me when she does.  but i have decided that i don't have to take
her guilt trip.  she can play those games by herself for all i care.  if she's
going to try and pressure me into writing her, why should i?  i won't let
myself be manipulated into writing her letters and making her feel like some
epitome of the good grandmother.  i'll write her in my own good time.  

so anyway, i would say that is more likely than possible for you to be happy if
you walk away from those 'family' members who do this to you.  i would say that
i am *far* happier now than i was when i was in day-to-day contact with my
parents.

>My husband has been a great support to me-especially tonight.
>I could use some survivor support too though : )

that's wonderful.  i'm glad you have someone so close to you whom you can rely
on.  but i agree that there's nothing like someone who knows what you've been
through to lean on too.

*hugs* to you, sheila.  i hope asar can help you do good things for yourself.
-- 
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