From: uunet!infmx!hartman@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Robert Hartman)
Newsgroups: soc.feminism
Subject: Re: My Young Friend Was "Date Raped"...
Date: 17 Nov 1992 23:54:19 GMT
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In article <1992Nov12.002036.16226@informix.com> uunet!infmx!hartman@ncar.ucar.EDU (Robert Hartman) writes:
>In article <1dpj0tINNork@agate.berkeley.edu> dwelch@devnull.mpd.tandem.com (Dan Welch) writes:
>>In article <1dfpqgINN4ss@agate.berkeley.edu> uunet!infmx!hartman@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Robert Hartman) writes:
>>>And if the perp outweighs the victim by a good 50 pounds and stays
>>>between the victim and the phone?
>>
>>Then the perp is using physical force, at which point it becomes harassment.
>>It's still not rape until he actually *rapes* her, i.e., forces himself upon
>>her sexually.  That's why they call it rape, you see.

I was having a follow-up discussion on this in e-mail with someone
when the thought occurred to me that we tend to think of only two
types of responses to threat: fight or flight.  But there is a
third: playing dead.

It strikes me that when a woman is confronted with what she perceives as
a real or potential threat of rape, she might react by playing dead
until the crisis is over.  I guess I'd read about a week ago about
some people who'd been mauled by bears, and that's when I made the
connection.  Those people survived their attacks by playing
dead until the bear went away.  While they were playing dead, the
bears would paw them and bite them and otherwise abuse them in any
way it liked.  But in order to survive the experience, they continued
to play dead.

In a situation where a smaller person is contronted by a bigger
person who won't take no for an answer, the victim might instinctively
play dead.  When that happens, the perp might take liberties without any
visible protest, just as a bear's victim might not utter a peep.
But that doesn't mean that the victim approves of what's going on.

Depending on a woman's history, she may lapse into a mode of playing
dead because she's had a previous bad experience.  Even if I mean her
no harm at the time, if she's in the middle of reliving a previous
trauma, she's traumatized right then, and therefore in no position to give
or withhold consent.  And so, if I then take her lack of vigorous protest
as tacit assent, I may well have crossed the line without knowing it.
After having made that mistake once already, enduring the incredibly
painful remorse, and losing a beloved and important relationship as a
result, I _always_ make a point of checking now.  One reason that I'm
writing is the hope that other men reading this will learn from my
bad experience.  Guys, you really don't want to go through it, and it's
very easy to prevent.  Just listen to a woman and take her at her word.
It's much better to go home frustrated!  Trust me on this.  I had to
learn it the hard way.

Now clearly, a woman might sometimes _want_ to be seduced or "pushed."  But
there are ways of asking about this too.  Over the phone, or in a public
place, one can discretely ask, "what if you said 'no' and I tried to
kiss you anyway?  ... Are there times when you'd like that?"  It is
definitely not a good idea to ask that question when you're alone for
the first time at her apartment.  If you've already asked her that
and she's said that yes, sometimes she does like to be pushed, when
you get her alone you can then ask, "is this one of those times?"
If she waffles at that point, I'd take that as a probable "yes."

But a clear-cut no always means _no._  And a null response also implies
_no._  Always.  And in case of an ambiguous response?  Correct me if
I'm wrong, but I sure that typically means, "lets talk about it some
more; I"m not quite ready to give an answer just yet."

-r


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