From: anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess Anderson)
Subject: Re: A not-so-cheery coming out story
Organization: Madison Academic Computing Center, UW-Madison
Date: Sun, 10 Jan 93 21:52:07 GMT

In article <1ipvhpINNram@cat.cis.Brown.EDU>
ST402341@brownvm.brown.edu (Gary Byma) writes:

>In the continuing saga of coming out, I called an old friend of some
>twelve years yesterday and told him that I was gay. He was stunned
>and angry and openly expressed his disgust. He said "I can't
>imagine anything that you could have done that could have been
>more catastrophic to a friendship. It disgusts me that someone
>who I used to respect could make such a wrong choice."

After I recover from the empathic shock of imagining what
actually hearing someone say that to you must have been
like, I've become very angry about it.  He can't imagine
anything *you* might have done that would be more
catastrophic?  What about what *he's* doing, for chrissakes?
Instead of facing the truth, which is that his homophobia is
destructive and hateful, he upbraids you.  This is so
typical, and so stupid, and so very very wrong.

>I had been reticent to talk to this friend because he had in the
>past made serious homophobic remarks (containing the words faggot
>and baseball in the same sentence). I was wrestling with the
>conflict of whether or not it was personally ethical for me
>to continue to be friends with someone who was homophobic.

Though surely this must have left a very unpleasant
aftertaste amd perhaps even seom real emotional hurt for
you, let's imagine that some time has gone by and the hurt
is healed over.  Then, I think, it's likely to be clear you
did the right thing.

The fundamental oppression of being expected to cache who
and what we are is something we must resist with all our
might, I think.  Not only is it socially limiting, but far
more importantly, it's personally limiting, because it
alienates us from ourselves, preventing us from being
innerly intimate with our own feelings, with our own
essence, and pushing us away from our own center.

This loss of contact with the core self is of course what
kills so many of our young people, whose lives have not yet
developed to the point of being sustained by LGB friends and
family, who don't yet have the stabilizing influences of a
profession, knowledge of a wider society, or a full kit of
survival skills.

>I had hoped that realizing that he had close friend might cause
>him to reassess his views, but I guess I was wrong. It saddens
>me to lose a friend, and I hope that maybe he will come to
>see that he was wrong, given time.

I'm glad you've had the courage (a) to tell him and (b) to
tell us about this.  If I imagine myself in the like
situation, I see a me who's hurt and angry about what
happened.  In that situation, I know from long experience
that it's useful and important to draw upon your nearby
resources for reaffirmation and comfort.  

I'm sure many people here will care about this and be
reminding you that both hurt and anger pass in good time.
Even though it comes at a cost, you've done the right thing,
so be good to yourself.

-- 
[Jess Anderson <> Madison Academic Computing Center <> University of Wisconsin]
[Internet: anderson@macc.wisc.edu <-best, UUCP:{}!uwvax!macc.wisc.edu!anderson]
[Room 3130 <> 1210 West Dayton Street / Madison WI 53706 <> Phone 608/262-5888]
[---------> Discrimination, Bigotry, and Hate are not Family Values <---------]
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