From: hollasch@kpc.com (Steve Hollasch)
Subject: Phone Solicitation (was Re: San Jose Mercury News and San Francisco Chronicle)
Summary: Grrrrrrrrr, Grrrrrrrrrr, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Organization: Kubota Pacific Computer, Inc.
Distribution: ba
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1992 19:25:15 GMT

watson@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (John S. Watson - FSC) writes:
| Here is what I do with ALL phone solicitations, it works all the time:
| As soon as I suspect that the call IS a solicitation
| (takes an average of 3 seconds), then when the person pauses,
| for whatever reason, I say very politely, "no thanks",  
| and hang up.  Do not even pause to listen to there response to
| your "no thanks".  

    No!  The sooner you terminate the call, the sooner they go right on to
the next person.  Remember that one of their primary goals is to reach as
many people as possible, and remember that they are the *enemy*.

    My main purpose when dealing with phone solicitation is to take as
much of their time as possible.  There are several ways to do this (and
they can be fun fun fun!):

    o  "That sounds real interesting!  Can you hold for just a moment?",
       and put them on hold (if you have a hold button, else just leave
       the phone off the hook).  Then go watch television, wash the car,
       or whatever else you were doing.  I have had several phone
       solicitors on hold for FIVE MINUTES; one lady even CALLED BACK!
       The hilarious thing is that I apologized (I had told her I was
       going to get my father or roommate) and put her right back on
       hold and she stayed on the line again!  =^)  The really funny thing
       is that our answering machine inadvertantly picked up the line, so
       later we were able to hear her complaining to the soliciter sitting
       next to her.

    o  If you get a computer-generated phone call, leave the phone off the
       hook so that it plays the entire message - remember, you want to
       thwart their efforts at hitting a big chunk of the population.
       Every time somebody does this, they lose time for about 10 other
       "no thanks - click" type calls.

    o  If you are fortunate enough to get a computer message that solicits
       information (happy happy joy joy!), then find some way to keep a
       button on your phone depressed.  I've resorted to scotch-taping an
       eraser to one of the keys.  The reason for this is that the
       recorded information is often voice-activated; it will record as
       long as it hears something.  It's possible to keep their machine
       recording a key tone for the better part of an hour!

    o  As you mentioned in your post, arguing can be a lot of fun.  The
       main thing is that you take up their time.  Your approach can vary
       with the amount of sympathy you feel for the actual caller, but
       don't forget the telemarketing company behind them.

    o  Play tag:  "Hmmm.  The paper sounds interesting, but my roommate
       Bob is the one that handles that" [hold] "Hi this is Bob... Oh,
       well Mike is really picky about delivery times, just a second"
       [hold] "Well that sounds good, but I'll have to see if our house
       budget has the money for this; hang on, I'll get Ted" [hold] and on
       and on and on.  The more polite you are, the less likely they'll be
       able to terminate the call.
    
    o  For phone polls, take the time to give spurious information.  This
       can also be a lot of fun.  You see, the solicitor/poller will be
       required to transcribe the answers.  When you give answers that are
       obviously bogus, they'll still be required to write them down!  Go
       into great detail.  After each answer, ask them an irrelevant
       question (e.g. if they know the ending score for last night's
       basketball game), so they'll have to continually struggle to steer
       the conversation the way they're being paid to.  Make it a
       challenge!

    o  S p e a k    v e r y    s l o w l y.  Or speak in a bizarre voice;
       see if you can make them crack up.  Then get mad at them for making
       fun of you.  See how long you can drag out the apology.

    o  If you have the means to do this, put them on hold, dial up your
       local congress-vermin or senate-rat and connect the two.  Hang up.

    o  Pretend you've got a terrible connection and can hardly hear them.
       See how many times you can get them to call you back.  *Then* when
       you pretend you've got a good connection, let them get three words
       in and tell them your not interested - click.

    o  Act paranoid - "WHAT!?  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?".  This can go
       on for quite a while too.

    Just remember, phone solicitors are there for your personal amusement,
take advantage of the opportunity.

_____________________________________________________________________________
Steve Hollasch                                  Kubota Pacific Computer, Inc.
hollasch@kpc.com                                Santa Clara, California