From: an3501@anon.penet.fi (Joni Z )
Subject: My Psych of Gender
Organization: Anonymous contact service
X-Anonymously-To: alt.transgendered
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 19:26:57 GMT

Hi, girls and boys,

  A while back I wrote a letter to my wife.  It has to do with what I can
figure out about my femme side.  My youth was female dominated and very 
little male influence.  No dad or grampa, just mom and granny and lots of
female freinds.  My mom and granny were both into making and wearing 
fashionable clothing. . .  I'm sure this had an impression on me.  In 
many ways my story is so much like the other storys that I have read here.

  It's ok to feel and be and act like the opposit sex. . . perhaps that is
what the Goddess had in mind many years ago.

  The single quote lines after the astreisk:

*'stuff....'

is general negative talk that was going through my mind; surely one of the 
many things that I had in my head until I worked on whether or not I really 
beleaved what I thought I knew.

  Anyhow, enjoy.

			Joni Z

..................................8<.................................


Yep, Spoogitt*!~  Let me tell ya how it is Doc.........

  I am who I am and it took a long time get here.  There is a lot of psych 
  and emotional stuff wrapped up in this letter. . . I hope it isn't overtly
  shocking to you, it shouldn't be.  I just feel the need to call a spade
  a spade and at least clear off some of the mystery and rid myself of 
  some fear that you might later reject me for being who and what I am.... 

I do a lot of biking and running.... that's part of an established fact.  

I guess it started when I bought my first pair of biking shorts.  I felt 
silly about wearing them but they felt so good.... My buns quit hurting and 
my legs weren't rubbing together and getting raw.  The material was soft to
the touch and wasn't abrasive like denum shorts were.

*'But Girls wear tight biking shorts, you look like a sissy......   '

There was a time when I had fine soft bod hair and it wasn't such a big deal.
But that was when I was younger and was smoking.  I think when I quit smoking 
and my bod had a chance to recover the natural chemical balance, my bod hair 
started growing real heavy.  Too, my tactile sensation came on line full blast
and with marriage to Judy being a total sexless drudgery, I tweeked into my 
'kinky mode'.  A great number ot things and situations precipitates the action.


When I'd go biking I felt a strange sensation on my skin. . .  My newly 
emerging (35 yr old) stiff bod hair would tickle like mad whenever I got to 
moving through the wind.  I'd feel like ants were crawling all over my legs 
and arms for many hours after a ride.  And at night my legs and arms would 
itch and tickle keeping me awake for many nights.  But biking felt so good. . .
just to be out there facing the new and unknown adventure.  My bod growing 
stronger and firmer and feeling of new controll in my life; I couldn't give 
it up.

I figured that the constant skin stimulation was driving me literally nuts.  
It wasn't enough that the marriage had gone to hell in a hand basket?

What was I to do?.... Well I decided that if bikies could shave their legs 
then I could too.  So I did.  And my arms.  Then I looked in the mirror....
My god, I looked 15 years younger..... the long dark brown  bod hair was
gone and the 'badge of growing older' had been taken off, all be it with a 
razor.  I liked the way I looked, it turned me on.  I lost controll and 
ehjaculted my load right there without even touching myself.  The sensual 
overload was too much.  I was a new person.

And when you scream through the air, the wind doesn't even make a feeling.
It's like flying in a dream; floating through a white cloud at 45 mph.  The 
sensual context of speeding down the mountain with only the pressure of the 
air against your skin is just so unbeleavable and sensual you would only 
understand it if you did it.

*'But shaving body hair is something Girls and queers do....  '

Yea, the stigma of boys and shaving their legs.... It is more common than
you might think but it still has a bad rap.   I guess the ladys in Germany
for the most part don't shave anything..... Imagine a night out on the town
with a lady in a strapless evening gown (Broomhilda... no doubt) and as she 
raises her hand up to pick her nose ya notice that she has more hair under
her right armpit than ya do on the top of your head....  Don't laugh, it's
TRUE!  (Once again the stern look of constipation).

Add to that the popular (American) thought mode: a male shaving their legs is 
something that only homosexual males do. . . "No God fearin' 'merikin' boy 
would ever think of doing that!"   Well folks, I guess I needed to evaluate 
my religion and philosophy as well. . .

In one way, shaving my bod fur is an act of casting off garbage.  I get 
tired of being JUST me.  I can symbolicly get rid of my problems by 
shaving them off..... change focus for a while.

Perhaps I replace the dread and commonplace grind of being who I am by the my 
fear of being discovered and found out.   All of the sudden I had a secrete
life..... I have mystery.  Living life on the edge as it were.

And when I go running in the cold I enjoy wearing tight Spandex tights.... it
feels right.  I can layer several over each other depending on the temp, to 
keep warm.  I like the way I look in tights.

*'Wearing tights and panty hose is something Girls do....  '

The side effect is that my Narcisistic (sp??) mode likes the way I look in 
exercise tights and/or with my bod hair gone.  My skin and body feels good 
when I use less than conventional Male exercise wear, things tight and soft. 
Clothing that feels right, not what some silly person says is made for the 
male anatomy....
 
Tights, quite honestly, are the best feeling clothing that can be had for 
running, IMHO.   I don't like running shorts because they don't move with my 
bod quite right and a number of times I have had Willy poke his nose out and 
not know it.  Plus, the fat on my inner thighs will rub together and blister...
doesn't feel good for a long time.  If I were to just be hanging around in the 
summer, the best clothing is none at all!   But for different activitys a bod 
needs specialized clothing..... even swimming... you do need goggles to keep
the water out of your eyes, but that is about it.  ;-)

At first I felt really quite strange thinking about wearing "girl" stuff. 
But after letting myself into the whole experience I must say that I feel 
OK, good, sexy and quite at ease when I'm out biking or running.  

What do we call this?  Is it unisex, androgony,  or is it quite honestly 
'transvestite'?

I can wear the exact same cloths as the ladys do for exercise.   But it is 
reassuring to me to be able to say in my mind, "I too am like you, in more 
ways than you might imagine."

I think it gives me a sense of community and oneness.  Unisex is perhaps a very
safe way to be in touch with what would otherwise be a very diatic poleriza-
tion of human kind.

I haven't hidden my activity from you, kinda hard to do, but I never have 
set down in writing what was going through my mind and never fully stated 
the 'transvestite' idea to you or really fully to myself.  
 
After a lot of serious thought and wondering if I was actually a closet gay, 
I finally figured out it is OK for me to have this bit of unisex deviation.  
It is an easy way for me to get in touch with the feminine side of me.   
Perhaps this is transvestitism, perhaps not.  I have it in my mind that it 
really is in the most literal sense of the concept.

    I do get a very definite sexual and emotional charge out of being in my 
Spandex.  Perhaps black tights and a white tee shirt with my buns hanging 
out there for the world to see (as it were) as I run the dogs down the trail.

This bit of unconventional dress hasn't gotten me into trouble with the red
neck folks yet but I am a bit careful where and when I let it all hang out.

Letting go of some of my male only phobias has let me to feel more sensual 
and alive..... I like being male and I am not interested in men sexually. 
But the freedom to bend my reality a bit has made me very much more into a 
sensual being rather than a mechanical, "do it till it pewques" kind of guy.

This was the beginning of my adventure into being free.... free to express
my needs about feeling sexually attractive to me.... and feeling free from 
a lot of the trash put upon me by the religious institutions.... my mother,
my male friends.  The beginning of being free for me and being RIGHT for me.

*'But girls do ......, '

              well, then in many ways, I do too.  That's the way I am
and I'm not sorry for the stigma that others feel about things that just
doesn't  matter.  Guys can be soft and sexy too.  It doesn't mean they
are any less for the knowledge.  And yet I still feel a bit uneasy about 
being just a bit off center.

As far as being on the edge of being caught for my dress;  I guess the thrill 
of adventure is more like it,  'where can ya do it without getting caught'
kind of game.

Or perhaps just new sensations and situations... killer peppermint oil bod 
rubs.... nice warm stuff.

*******It's TRUE!   (He sez with a stern look on his face and eyes crossed)

I have written of my kinky mode, perhaps because it was something that I 
thought needed to be rehashed in my mind for a while.

What I wrote  isn't really shocking but it could be grounds for being
considered a bit weird.  For sure I'm not into covert weirdness, my stuff
is a symptom of some deep seated trash that I need to evaluate and rid 
myself of as much as possible.  I doubt that I will ever again  be
covered with heavy bod hair but that may now be more a matter of 
understanding how good it feels rather than a fashion statement..
Nor will I ever dress quite as conventionaly as my mother would have me do.

  I realize, slowly, that I can be rid of stigmas and such.

Like I said there is a lot of psych stuff that is in the undertow of my 
antics.... guess some folks get nuts and they will cut themselves with 
sharp objects or other really sick stuff.   That's about the most shocking
thing that I have on my list of nutty behavior patterns.... that, and my anal
clock setting bit, but I was that way with clocks since I discovered that 
there is an oracle for time keeping.

Oh yes, one more thing....

Sorry to drop this on ya, hope you will still talk to me after 
reading the following:  



  I guess the MOST shocking thing that I could tell ya is that I still don't
balance my checkbook and I still don't have my 91 taxes done yet..... 


 ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)   ;-)   :-)                 






Thanks fer listening Doc., I appreciate ya hanging in there with me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
Due to the double-blind system, any replies to this message will be anonymized,
and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
Newsgroups: alt.transgendered