From: rutkows@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Chris Rutkowski)
Newsgroups: alt.dads-rights,alt.child-support,soc.men
Subject: Re: Feminist Gerbil Owners
Date: 12 Aug 92 16:18:58 GMT
Organization: University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Canada

In <BsuMpD.MvG@cs.psu.edu> beaver@basic.cs.psu.edu (Don Beaver) writes:

>An article entitled, "The Gerbil Mystique," by Tamar Lewin,
>appeared in this Sunday's New York Times Magazine (9 Aug 92),
>pp. 12-14.

 [summary showing that Lewin makes ridiculous overgeneralizations]

>Below is a draft of a letter to the Editor.  I welcome:

>1. remarks on style/content;
>2. HELP with REAL DOCUMENTATION (eg. US Census data, Official
>Survey XYZ, etc.) in support of:

>2a.  HOW MANY families are headed by men?
>2b.  WHO HAS MEASURED that child support varies with parental rights?

>Dear Editor:

>As a father who has made dinner almost every night,
>who diapers and bathes his children, gets up at night
>with bottle or blanket, is the sole breadwinner, 
>and who typed his wife's thesis,
>I read Tamar Lewin's article, "The Gerbil Mystique,"
>with some distaste.  The sharing of household duties
>by men is, in her words, "as well documented, statistically,
>as talking fish."  Perhaps these fish are too tired 
>or too oppressed by anti-male rhetoric to talk?

>Non-payment of support is more easy to document, statistically,
>than sharing of household duties.  But statistically speaking,
>compliance with child support increases directly with
>the amount of joint custody or visitation awarded to the father.
>How many of the "10 million mothers not receiving any child
>support" comply with visitation awards?  How many of the
>2 million single fathers receive a single dollar from their
>children's mothers?  How many of the nation's competent and loving
>fathers are provided equal opportunity, legal or social,
>to the joys of raising their children?

>Let us hope to save our children from the hands of
>ideological feminists and biological determinists like Lewin 
>who seriously compare men to the "irresponsible" animal kingdom:
>after all, isn't it the case that female gerbils eat their young?

Great!  I'm sorry I can't provide statistics or documentation, but I
think your letter is quite to the point.  I, too, share household
duties and fatherly duties.  Actually, I usually bathe our baby while
my wife does dishes in the evening.  I do all the vacuuming and cut the
lawn, while my wife does ironing.  Cooking is about 60-40, because I'm
a better cook, but my wife is learning.

In my first marriage, my duties were actually much more.  I got our
daughter prepped for school, drove her to dance classes, swimming, etc.
My ex-wife usually watched TV or went out with her friends.  Her lack
of contribution to the family was certainly a part of our difficulties
and contributed to our separation.  But when we went to court, she
insisted that SHE did most of the work and child-rearing, 90%-10%.  I
objected, and argued for at least a joint custody, since she wanted
sole custody od "her" child (as she called our daughter throughout all
testimony).  After a long, drawn-out battle (years), my lawyer
eventually demanded I pay the bulk of my bill.  It was suggested that I
might eventually get joint custody through a series of petitions over
still more years.  I couldn't afford it anymore.  I agreed to my
ex-wife's sole custody with "mutually-agreed liberal access".

You can see this coming ...

Two years after the divorce, my ex-wife informed me that our daughter
(sorry, HER daughter) did not want to see me any more.  My phone calls
are always intercepted by my ex or an answering machine.  My letters
and birthday cards are sent by registered mail to ensure they get
there, but get no replies.  Of course, I am still required by law to
pay maintenance even if I don't hear from our daughter.  My lawyer told
me that "sure, we can go to court, but it will be expensive and could
drag on for years".

I can't afford that.  After some time, I remarried, and am now a new
parent with my second wife.  Things are great, and I am enjoying going
through the joys of fatherhood all over again, this time sharing the
experience with a caring, attentive mother.  But somewhere, in the back
of my mind, I have this feeling of deja vu ... and I wonder if my first
child will ever be allowed to talk with me.  And will she believe my
story?  Will she be a good mother to her children?

-- 
Chris Rutkowski - rutkows@ccu.umanitoba.ca
Royal Astronomical Society of Canada
University of Manitoba - Winnipeg, Canada
Xref: sparky alt.dads-rights:1991 alt.child-support:2734 soc.men:14899