From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Daily Post
Date: 4 Oct 92 10:11:05 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

This is my Daily Post for Sunday, since my time schedule is going to be pretty
messed up for the next 24-48 hours...

When I got home from work Sat. Morning, I realized that I slept through a court
date (for a minor traffic offence) on Friday.  (I'm out on an I-Bond)  But
because I am on the I-Bond, and this is the 2nd time this has happened, I
stopped by the local Police station to ask them not to arrest me.  (After I
explained WHY...)  I got lucky, the warrent hasn't been put out as of yet.  If
I time things right (Goddess, I hope I can pull this off!) I can pay the fine
in person on Monday Morning (just as I get off of work) and get the arrest
warrent canceled before it's sent to the local P.D. ...

I just re-read all of my posts to ASAR after typing that last paragraph...  (I
hadn't done so before now.)  Now I really feel like an asshole.  Now I actually
have a record of the pattern that I've formed in dealing with realationships,
and I'm beggining to see just how unhealthy it is.

But damnit, it's like there is a big well of emotions that has been building
for years.  When I get a soft spot in my heart for a female, this well opens up
and starts pouring in that direction, no matter how illogical it may be.

(And a side comment to prevent several people from asking the same question via
Email...  Yes, I can and do have female friends who are just that, friends. 
That isn't a problem...)

I need a way to isolate this well of emotion that has been building since 1988
(reason I can date it is to follow in a few)...  If I could isolate it and
bleed off the hurt and pain and desprate need for love...

(Now we get into a part of my past that is revelant, but I haven't posted yet.)

In 1988, I started performing Rocky Horror.  (Hereafter refered to as RHPS to
save space.)  I met and fell in love with a female named Maria.  I was ready to
mary her, when she dumped me 2 days after Xmas for an ex-boyfriend, becuase he
was "safer" and a more "known" factor.  (A panic reaction stemming from sexual
abuse by AT LEAST 4 men while she was 8-12 years old.  Including her Neighbor
and Uncle.  Her Mom knew, and did nothing.  (Denyal that it occured.))

Ever since then to one extent or another I've been having problems dealing with
me emotions, to one extreme or another...

EVERYONE who I've dated since then has fallen into one of the following
catagories (Unknown to me at the start of the relationship):
Child Abuse Victim, Rape Victim, Emotional Abuse Victim by parents, just
divorced (still emotionally unstable), pregnant, just had a child, multiple
personallity, (And now:) committed to someone else, or married...

Why do I detect a pattern here?  8^)  <-- Me.

Anyone have any ideas how I might try to BREAK THE DAMNABLE CYCLE???

And I have finally made the decision to abstain from a relationship until I get
my own life in order....

+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Krikket              | krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us | USnail: 3 Danada Sq. E. !
|a.k.a Doug Krick     |NOTICE: Your Milage May Vary|   Suite 246             !
|Data # 708/665-9732  | #include<std.disclaimers>  |   Wheaton, Il 60187     !
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|                What God wants, God gets, God help us all!                  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery