From: scholvin@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (John Scholvin)
Subject: Hawks News 1-24
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 03:01:42 GMT

The Chicago Blackhawks, the slimiest team in the league with
the thirteenth best goaltender, got lucky and won two games.
Imagine that! They beat the squeaky clean Washington Capitals 6-2
on Thursday and the Hartford Choirboys yesterday by the same
score. The pathetic Ed Belfour, whose league-leading GAA must be
some sort of statistical fluke since there are at least twelve
goalies who are superior, will see his GAA drop further.
Obviously the statistic is meaningless.

The Hawks, try as they might, were unable to kill anyone in
either game. Jeremy Roenick, whom I understand carries a 9mm
automatic in his jock strap, started the scoring against the Caps
41 seconds into the game (Smith, Goulet). He was quoted after the
game that he was off to a fast start because he was upset that he
didn't "chill that bastard Housley the other night" when he had
the opportunity. Stephane "Skullf**k" Matteau tallied at 3:27
(Christian, Lemieux). He was knocked hard to the ice as he shot,
and it was clear by the crazed look in his eyes when he got up
that he would seek bloody revenge later. Belfour, up to his usual
lame tricks, gave up two goals after that and the Caps appeared
to be reenergized. But the Hawks sharpened the butt ends of their
sticks at the intermission so they could impale and maim better
in the second.

Goulet scored on the power play at 7:57 (Chelios, Roenick), and
Matteau (Christian, Lemieux) at 19:52 after Christian outhustled
everybody to the corner. Apparently a fan had put some raw meat
near the glass. The Hawks finished the scoring in the third,
Gilbert (Lemieux, Kucera) at 12:07 and Graham (Ruuttu) at 19:24.
Referee Kerry Fraser was fired after the game for calling only
six penalties on the Hawks. After all, these are the Blackhawks!
"You gotta call ten, fifteen, twenty minors and three or four
misconducts on these hacks and cheapshot artists or you ain't
working for your money," said the NHL director of officials,
whose name I forget right now.

For Jocelyn Lemieux it was his first career three assist night.
This was of course overshadowed by the sad fact that no one's career
was ended. Belfour also made 37 lucky saves. What a joke! I guess
that save percentage statistic is worthless, too, since he's near
the top of the league in that statistic too and we all know there
are at least twelve, maybe thirty goalies better than him.

Saturday afternoon the gang was in Hartford, life insurance
capitol of the world. Good thing: someone might need it! Michel
Goulet started the fun this time on the power play at 7:19
(Larmer, Lemieux), and Matteau scored at 8:38, also on the power
play (Chelios, Larmer). Noonan had the only goal in the second,
from Russell and Lemieux. More like it: there was a great fight
between Russell and Janssens. Now *that's* Blackhawks hockey!
Russell was tossed for instigating, but sources close to the team
say it was because he had taped tin foil on his knuckles and
tried to gouge Janssens' eyes out. Tough break!

Sanderson broke up Belfour's shutout bid at 4:29 in the third. It
would have been his sixth, I think. How can one guy be that
lucky? Lemieux scored his sixth of the season (Noonan) at 9:56.
Upon returning to the bench, Darryl Sutter stabbed him to death
with a broken Easton aluminum stick shaft, screaming that six
goals were too many to be scored in a lifetime, much less a
season. After all, these are the Slimehawks! There's a proud
tradition to uphold here! Play was stopped for several minutes as
the surviving Blackhawks drank Lemieux's still-hot blood and
invoked ancient pagan war gods. It's their usual custom after
such killings.

The ritual's energy was not lost on Keith Brown, who scored his
first of the year unassisted at 11:00. He knew by the look Sutter
gave him that that was enough off that stuff for this year! No
talent hack Jeremy Roenick scored his 27th (Goulet, Larmer) at
16:59, and Janssens recovered from Russell's attempted homicide
to score at 18:03. That lucky bugger Belfour is now 6-0 in his
last six games. Unbelievable! Looks like that win/loss stat is
useless, too! I think that the only way anyone should rate
goalies is by having no-talent scouts who weren't good enough to
make it as coaches sit around in a room and rate goalies by who
looks the best in a goalie cup.

* * *

Sarcastically yours and sick to death of the Blackhawk bashing
here,

John Scholvin

(followup to talk.bizarre, alt.flame, or
rec.bash.chicago.blackhawks)

-- 
John Scholvin                         |  "My parents went to Mexico and all
scholvin@casbah.acns.nwu.edu          |   I got was this lousy foster home."
echo Y | del c:\windows\*.*           |      -T shirt idea for the Schoo kids
Newsgroups: rec.sport.hockey