From: nlt@gboro.glassboro.edu (N. L. Tinkham)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Re: What is co-dependence and what is the Bible's view of it?
Date: 26 Aug 92 06:17:44 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, Glassboro State College

Steve Hayes asks:

> After seeing this exchange, I would be interested in knowing what 
> co-dependency is from ANY point of view. I've never heard of it. Can anyone 
> enlighten me?

     "Codependent" is a term used for someone in a close family relationship
with an alcoholic.  As Mr. DeGraaf noted, the word "codependency" has been
given enough different definitions by enough different writers and speakers
that it is ceasing to be meaningful.

     The literature on codependency does, however, contain an important
insight:  Long-term alcohol addiction affects not only the addict but
also the addict's family.  The emotional absence of the addict, and the
physical neglect and/or abuse that many alcoholics give to their families,
can set up a destructive family system, and this family system itself then
does damage to the family members.

     Some problems that often occur in such family systems are:  never
talking about problems openly; sheltering the addict from any kind of
bad news (lest it set off the next bout of drinking); desperately craving
the approval of other people and being unable to value one's self without
others' approval; needing to control other family members and other
people outside the family; inability to experience one or more emotions
(for example, a person may go for years without ever being able to feel
anger); and many others.  The list is longer than I can give here.

     These destructive family patterns, then, begin to do harm of their
own, even if the addict is no longer around.  Never talking about problems
means that problems stay around and fester rather than being resolved.
Desperate need for others' approval can drive one to destructive attempts
to be popular, or, alternatively, to an obsession with professional and
academic achievements.  Deadened emotions keep one from experiencing life
in all its fullness.  And so on.

     And then we come to the next insight:  Those who grow up in destructive
family systems are being taught that these patterns of feeling and interacting
are the normal way for people to relate to one another.  And they frequently
take these patterns with them as they marry and create their own new families.
Thus we can have families with no alcohol or drug use at all which nevertheless
are acting out patterns typical of families with an alcoholic parent.


     This cluster of observations is the center of the work on "codependency",
"adult children of alcoholics", and "dysfunctional families".  The ideas
are currently popular, with all the problems that entails:  talk shows
and popular psychology books aren't going to be as careful as professional
psychologists would be, and it may soon turn into "last year's fad".  I
think this is unfortunate.  One of the most important healing processes
I have gone through has been the recognition of the emotional and relational
patterns I inherited, and the emerging freedom from some of those patterns.
I see God's grace in this and in the similar healing of others.

_____________________________________________________________________________

                                              Nancy Tinkham
                                              nlt@gboro.glassboro.edu