Newsgroups: bit.listserv.csg-l
Date:         Sat, 5 Sep 1992 23:32:48 MST
From:         Ed Ford <ATEDF@ASUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      Raising children

from Ed Ford (920905:2335)

>Rick Marken (9209040) Seriously, I would very much appreciate those of
>you who have raised/are raising children would pass on your tips on
>"aligning their control structures" with those of civilization.

Rick, I think the first and without doubt the most important key to
raising children is how you spend time with them.  If you look at the
hierarchy of control, you'll find that we create our concept of the
world we live in including those with whom we live from lower order
experiences.  Your children's perception of you is created by them from
their experiences in which you are or are not involved.  With my
experience in working and consulting in schools, corrections, mental
health and residential treatment centers over many years, plus raising
my own eight children, I believe nothing is more important than our
individual alone time with each of our children.  Children create their
perception of you based on the time you have spent with them and the
quality of that time.  As all of us have learned, we tend to listen to
and respect those whom we perceive respect us, who care about us, and
have expressed a belief (both verbal and in action) that we can make
it.

The second aspect in raising children has to do with creating an
atmosphere in which they have chance to develop into responsible
children.  To me, responsibility is the willingness (commitment or
reference level) and the ability (a skill where parents teach their
children how to think responsibly ((notice I didn't say behave, but
think - which comes from my perception of others as living control
systems))) - the ability to obey rules and standards and ultimately to
set their own, without infringing on the rights of others to do the
same.  All this means the parent must set standards and rules which
reflect the parent's own values and beliefs (systems concepts level)
and follow through with the natural consequences of not following the
rules.  I'm not speaking of hurting children (punishment) nor do I
believe in being permissive.  All children eventually must learn to
respect the rules of the culture in which they live or they will be in
conflict with that culture.  Again, my experience with my own children
has taught me that children tend to adopt the standards and values of
their parents IF they've establish a close, loving relationship with
them and that the values and standards in the home have brought them a
satisfying life.

Ultimately, if children perceive you as caring about them, as believing
in them, if they recognize the existence of reasonable standards within
the home, they are more likely to work cooperatively to find a way to
get along.  (I might suggest to those who perceive the Bible in a
negative way to look at the more positive aspects, especially St.
John's gospel and his emphasis on love).

As I said in an earlier post, I think the way to deal with (read talk
with) children is something I am beginning to do quite extensively in
schools systems throughout the country - using PCT as the basis.  Since
you can't control another LCS (living control system), I begin my
training by teaching the participants to just ask questions.  The
participants are teachers and selected parents who will be working with
district school parents who want help in working with their children in
a method compatible with what the school district teachers and
administration is learning.  I call this section Teaching Responsible
Thinking (again, notice I've gotten away from the word behavior).  I
give them a little card and I've rewritten the section on teaching
responsible thinking here.  The first section has to do with spending
quality time as a vehicle to helping the child create a loving
perception of the parent.  The second section has to do with setting
rules, standards and consequences.  (I'll be glad to send anyone on the
net one or more copies of this card, but be sure to post your complete
snail mail address.)

C. TEACHING RESPONSIBLE THINKING

ASK THEM WHAT THEY THINK - KEEP QUESTIONING THEM - don't tell them what
you think; ignore excuses & don't ask why; be non-judgemental; be
specific & stay focused.

1. Exploration: Basic questions to ask are...
    What is it that you want?  What are the rules or standards?
    What were you doing to get what you want?

2. Evaluation: Getting them to think responsibly...
    Is what you're doing getting you what you want?
    Is what you've doing against the rules or standards?

3. Commitment: Getting them to choose responsibly...
    Are you willing to work at resolving your problems?

4. Teach them how to create a plan...
    a. establish a specific are of needed improvement.
       (keep plan small to assure success)
    b. set a measurable goal for needed feedback.
    c. have them think through then explain in detail how they're
       going to achieve their measurable goal.
    d. set up a chart which shows progress in time increments
       (hourly, daily, or weekly, etc.)


          60 -|
 MINUTES  50 -|
  SPENT   40 -| - - - - -x- - - - - - - -x- - - - - - - GOAL
  DOING   30 -|  x                           x   x
 ACTIVITY 20 -|                  x   x
          10 -|      x
           0 -|
              ---|---|---|---x---|---|---|---|---|---|--DAYS OF
                 M   T   W   T   F   S   S   M   T   W   WEEK

    (the above chart example might have to do with a child's plan to do
40 minutes of homework a night)

I train my students (in small groups of three) to develop the skill of
just asking questions.  Assuming children are willing to talk with you,
the only way you can access them is through asking questions if they
let you (that's the reason for establishing strong relationships).  It
is only through questions that they will examine their own world.  This
is done in #1, exploration.  You find out what their various reference
levels, how they perceive various things, including the rules, etc. and
what actions their are taking to achieve their goals.  In #2,
evaluation, you get them to compare their reference level with their
perceptual variable.  (cause that's how we're designed - see PCT) This
is the first step toward taking responsibility.  They are making a
comparison, and, in the act of making that comparison, they are
evaluating whether or not it is working and whether it is against the
rules.  They might also evaluate whether they are willing to live with
the rules, change them, or move, or what ever.

If they recognize and are willing to admit that what they are doing is
against the rules and/or isn't getting them what they want, then you
can go on to the third step, #3, commitment.  This step tests the
strength of the reference signal, especially if it is a revised signal,
such as their willingness to work at getting along with their parents.
Do you want to work at resolving your problem?

Finally, #4 is teaching them how to make a plan.  And boy does PCT help
here!  Once you get them to establish a specific area of needed
improvement, you get them to set a measurable goal.  This is so lacking
in any kind of treatment facility or school.  You cannot attain a goal
unless you establish a specific reference signal and a specific
feedback that reflects that goal, otherwise the system just will not
work as efficiently.  Imagine driving down the street and observing a
traffic sign that says "drive at a safe speed." What speed would you
drive?  And even if the sign said "speed limit 55" but your speedometer
wasn't working or just wiggled up and down, you still couldn't achieve
the goal of driving 55 MPH.  Both the reference signal AND the feedback
or perceptual signal would have to be specific enough for any LCS to
operate efficiently.  If you connect the x's in the above graph, you'll
see the perceptual variable.  Most children are never taught to make
effective plans because teachers have no idea how the brain works.  In
the above chart, the perceptual error is the difference between the
feedback and the goal.

Once you understand how living control systems work, it opens up a
whole world of understanding of how to help others operate more
efficiently and on their own.  It also teaches you where your
limitations are in dealing with others.  To quote Clint Eastwood, "A
man has got to know his limitations".

Once students begin to sense the practical stuff I teach, they begin to
respect the theoretical basis from which I create my ideas.  That, to
me, is where PCT will begin to achieve any kind of large scale
recognition.  When one's home life, personal life, or business life
begins to benefit and the connection to PCT is perceived, I think our
chances of getting PCT some national recognition will improve.  People
like Dag, David, Brent Dennis, Dick Robertson, myself, Jim Soldani, and
others who work daily with people with problems see the results.
There's no doubt that PCT works, both to us and the people we help.
Rick, you and Bill and the rest have a much tougher road.  Except for
our comparatively small group, when someone you've taught finally says
Aha!, that means their intellectual life might have moved light years
ahead, but their now doomed to many years of the frustrations you've
been experiencing.  One thing we have in common, along with our family-
like relationships, is that we're working with ideas that are bound to
make this life of ours a little better.  And that's a lot.

Finally, I spent last weekend with my son, John, and his family in
Villa Park, California.  John and I and his three children went to the
beach Saturday morning while Hester and John's wife Bridget ran an
garage sale.  John's youngest child, a boy named Breen, will be two in
December.  A month earlier, John mentioned how Breen was walking in the
ocean with the water barely at ankle level.  As the entire surface of
water move back toward the ocean, John noticed Breen lean to one side
as if he were trying to compensate for the water's movement.
Apparently, at his age, Breen was using the visual feedback of the land
as part of what helped him to stand and walk.  Since his visual
feedback of what probably appeared to him to be what he was walking on
was moving, he tried to compensate by leaning toward the water moving
away from him and he fell several times.  Now, he has learned (cause it
doesn't happen any more) to negotiate the water along the shore line
without any difficulty.  Apparently he has learned to use the sense of
feel of his feet on the sand as feedback and not so much visual.  I
think I have this right?  At any rate, isn't it nice to understand PCT?

Ed Ford ATEDF@ASUVM.INRE.ASU.EDU
10209 N. 56th St., Scottsdale, Arizona 85253            Ph.602 991-4861
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