From: steinl@idt.unit.no (Stein Lang|rgen)
Subject: Telephone answering machine messages
Reply-To: steinl@idt.unit.no (Stein Lang|rgen)
Organization: Norwegian Institute of Technology
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 92 15:15:42 GMT

This is just an extract of the complete list:

                 Telephone Answering Machine Messages
                 ------------------------------------

"Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just kidding.  This
is an answering machine. (etc.)"
---
"Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang
on a second while I get a pencil."  (background noise - open a drawer and
shuffle stuff around.)  "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"
---
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle
Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the tone,
please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch
as soon as we can.  And have a nice day."
---
Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt:  No, you're incorrect.  It's definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool.  I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with
that frying pan?!?
  BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
---
     "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
---
The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
---
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
---
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll
get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
---
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi.  I'm Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely when
you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
---
A post earthquake message:
     "Hi, this is Jeff.  We can't get to the phone right now because we were
killed in the Earthquake.  Tragic, isn't it?  But, leave a message anyway,
someone is sure to get it eventually."  BEEP
---
"Speak, worm!" <beep>
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
---
"You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
---
"Hello?" <beep>
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
--
Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick  your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
---
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words:  orange...  mother... unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
---
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
---
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking
to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by
leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.
---
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes are busy. 
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return
your call as soon as possible.
---
     "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity." <beep>
---
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh!  Sorry, I can't come (Oh!
Yes!  Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name
and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
---
     < Lick It...Stuff it in>
     < Lick it...Stuff it in>
     < Lick it...Stuff it in>

As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing
letters, please leave a message at the ton......
---
(with John McEnroe type of voice:)
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes! You've missed me by
ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right?
You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
---
I hate these machines, as much as you.
But try as we might, the cats just won't do.
The scratches they cause,
Holding the phone with their paws,
Only leave us feeling lonely and blue.

So, leave your name at the beep.
On the recorder it will keep.
And if there's a way,
We'll call you today,
Unless of course your a <beeeeeeeeep>.
---
Recorded phone company message saying number is disconnected playing in the
background while the owner is arguing with it like this:
Hey don't say that, it is connected ....
No please, I paid all my bills ...
What did I do wrong (desperate) ...
Why are you doing this to me? (bursting into tears)
---
ordinary message ending with a recorded BEEP and then silence for a few
seconds:
HAHAHA. Fooled you, here comes the real BEEP.
<real BEEP>

I didn't think the other ones were very funny.


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Newsgroups: rec.humor