From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #516
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 20:55:40 -0500

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:16 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #516

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    516
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

511  39 votes  78a86 a9b90 6bb83 79d82 1a9f4 58ea2 24dd7 57e85 3ci60 04d9d
511  3.0 mean   2.9   2.5   2.8   2.7   3.3   2.9   3.5   3.0   2.7   3.8

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-01

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh grate sir:
>
> Is your address ``moose'' because your answers lately have been similar
> to what an animal produces?
>
> Just curious.
> ps Save your Zot! answers for another time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean as life-sustaining as meat, as luxuriously comforting as fur,
} and as useful as hide?  The Oracle appreciates the thought, but no,
} there is a much more prosaic explanation for "moose".  The Oracle
} actually resides in a moose!  It has long been known that, as a
} computing device, the human brain far outstrips even the most
} sophisticated machinery.  The same is true of most mammalian brains.  A
} shrew can be re-configured to operate at approximately the level of an
} Apple 2E.  A tiger can perform about as effectively as a Sparkstation.
} A moose provides more than enough computing power to support the
} Oracle's activities on this planet, and has the added benefit of a
} really impressive nose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10 mega-flop pig with 5 gigabytes of RAM, a
} graphics co-processor, a 100 Mbyte harddisk, and 5 tons of slop.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-02

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why am I addicted to sniffing my dogs foul breath!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The words "foul" and "dog" are triggering something in the Oracle's
} infallible memory...something in the Personals column of today's
} Disincarnate Herald...  Ah!  Here it is:
}
}       LOST: ONE HELLHOUND
}       NEAR THE PLAIN OF MEGIDDO
}       COAT: STYGIAN BLACK
}       EYES: COAL-BLACK, WITH NASCENT RED GLOW
}       SIZE: HUMUNGOUS
}       BREATH: LIKE THE TOMB, ONLY LESS PLEASANT
}       IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO:
}       FOUR HORSEMEN STABLES AND ENGLISH RIDING SCHOOL
}       666 TORMENT CIRCLE
}       DIS, HADES 90210
}
} You appear to have acquired a beast whose presence is required
} at the last trump.  To answer your question, the breath of the
} hell-hound is known to lighten one's karmic burden, if only
} because its very foulness is more than adequate penance for
} any sin.   So it looks like you know what is good for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hail mary and a bag of snausages.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-03

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what is the meaning of life?
> which of us is the opposite sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.
}
} I could flame you for not groveling, or for asking two questions in
} only one message, but because I am the Oracle, and all-knowing as well
} as all-tolerant (at least with regard to Lisa), I realize that your two
} questions, really, are as one.  Let me explain.
}
} There are plenty of other questions you could have asked, like "Why are
} manhole covers round?" or "Help!  This situation isn't covered by
} 'Life's Little Instruction Book!'  What do I do?" or even "Where's that
} dag-blamed shift key again?"
}
} But you chose to ask "what is the meaning of life?" and "which of us is
} the opposite sex?"  Since you asked one right after the other, clearly
} you find them linked.  Equally clearly, what you really meant to say
} was "How can I get a member of the opposite sex to discuss the meaning
} of life with me, while we're both horizontal and naked?"  And gosh, how
} I'd tell you if I knew.
}
}  -- Incarnation #73

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-04

Selected-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please tell me why it is an undesputed fact that HARDCORE TECHNO as a
> music form is better than anything else in this world.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the past, musicians placed a greater emphasis on frivolous musical
} techniques, such as harmony and melody.  As we have approached modern
} times, the "science" of musical composition has advanced, following the
} "less is more" principle, such that the major emphasis in techno music
} is the repetition of a single note, over and over again (or so it
} seems).  The Oracle is sure that, had the technology been available,
} Mozart would have written the entire body of his music such that it
} must be played on extremely expensive electronic equipment at volume
} setting "11" to be appreciated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", for
} synthesizer and electric guitar.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-05

Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the obvious answer is that "it" is a pronoun (more specifically,
} a neuter pronoun of the third person singular).  But since you've gone
} to the trouble of asking the Oracle this question, instead of simply
} looking "it" up in the dictionary, you must be talking about the "it"
} of the ancient legends....
}
} In the ancient days, when the earth and sky were young, war had not yet
} been invented.  The young warriors sat around the council fire and grew
} restless, for they had nothing to do.  So chief Jumping Eagle saw that
} the warriors were restless, and decided that they must occupy
} themselves with a game. So they played tag.
}
} Chief Jumping Eagle was the first to be "it", and he tagged Dancing
} Sparrow. And Dancing Sparrow tagged Running Bobcat.  And Running Bobcat
} tagged Walking Horse and Walking Horse tagged Sleeping Moose.  But
} Sleeping Moose was the slowest of all the warriors, and he could not
} tag anyone.
}
} So Sleeping Moose saisd, "I will tag the west wind, so that the west
} wind will be it."  and he tagged the west wind.  But the on the next
} day, the wind blew from the east, and tagged Sleeping Moose right back.
}  So then Sleeping Moose said, "I will tag the water in the river, so
} that the water will be it."  And he tagged the water, and the water ran
} down the Big River, and the Big River ran down to the Big Sea.  And
} many moons passed, and the water became the clouds, and the rain fell
} on Sleeping Moose, and tagged Sleeping Moose.
}
} So Sleeping Moose said, "I'm sick of this.  I will tag the big
} mountain, which does not blow as the wind, and does not run as the
} water.  The big mountain will stay where it is, and will not tag me
} back.  So Sleeping Moose tagged the big mountain, and the big mountain
} stayed where it was, and did not tag Sleeping Moose back.
}
} And the big mountain was it for many, many seasons.  The warriors had
} grandsons and their grandsons had grandsons, until the medicine man
} they called Oracle climbed the big mountain, to speak with the spirits
} of nature.  And the Oracle said to the spirit of the big mountian "Big
} Mountain Spirit, will you speak to me?"  And the spirit of the mountain
} said "Yes, I will speak to you, Oracle." Oracle said "What do you have
} to say to me?", and the big mountain said. "Tag, you're it!  Hahahaha!"
}
} And Oracle was it for many more seasons, until Unsuspecting Supplicant
} came to Oracle.  And Unsuspecting Supplicant asked Oracle:
}
} "What is it?"
}
} And Oracle replied:
}
} "TAG!!!  _You_ are it!!!!   No Tag-Backs!!!  Hahahahahaha"

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:29 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-06

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose toe-jam I am not worthy to play football with,
> whose walrus gumboots I am too lowly to lick, and whose mojo filter is
> never clogged, I beg you to tell me:
>
> Who is this Lucy person?  I mean, how did she get in the sky, and where
> did she get all those diamonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all began thirty years ago,...
} ...
}
} ...um, It all began thirty years ago,...
} ...
}
} (Is your screen all wavy yet?)
}
} Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum...
} "Hurry, Lucy!  We're going to be late for the dinner."
} "Okay, I'm ready, Ricky.  How do I look?"
} "Oh, Lucy!  Your dress is...so...so...inside out."
} "What?  Oh my!"
} "Go fix it -- and hurry up!  We don't want to be late"
}
} (Commercial Break)
} TIME-LIFE(tm) Books is proud to announce its new series of videos:
} VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS
} Now you can own your own slow-motion footage of some of the classic
} deaths in the political quest for power.  Witness the drama of the
} JFK, RFK, and LBJ assassinations.  See Martin Luthor King and Lee
} Harvey Oswald get plugged in detail you never thought was possible.
} Take a journey you will never forget with the LAPD as they viciously
} pummel Rodney King, and thrill in the bloodshed following the trial.
} All these great classics plus some never-before-seen footage of some
} of our own Time-Life editors beating up on bystanders can be yours for
} just $39.95 when you call 1-800-THE-FIST.  Make your video library
} complete!
} Order your copy of VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS by calling
} 1-800-843-3848.  Thats 1-800-843-8834.  Order today!
}
} (End Commercial)
}
} "Gee, Ricky, isn't she going to explode in the vacuum of space?"
} "Who?  Lucy?  No, not Lucy!"
} "Help!  Get me down!  Somebody call an astronaut!  Helllllp!"
}
} Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum...
}
} You owe the oracle vintage footage of Fred McMurray killing his three
} sons.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-07

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is DOG?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats hell out of me. Go ask your parish tseirp.
}
} You owe the Oracle a caps lock key.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:32 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-08

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why are my friends so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Unworthy Disrespectful Mortal!
}
} Your "friends" are not stupid at all; they are mind-phased to
} approximately 45 degrees through a dimension you would not
} understand.  On this level, they disuss transcendental existential
} multiphase quantum metaphysical dynamics and make fun of your typing.
}
} In order to become mind-phased, one must drink an awful lot of
} tequila while watching "Wayne's World" standing on one's head playing
} the kazoo to the tune of Robert Johnson's "Dead Shrimp Blues" wearing
} a tutu and high heels that are too small for you.  Yes, even if you
} are a guy.  And yes, through the whole movie.  Also double yes you
} have to have the tequila shots every ten minutes, with no chaser.
}
} If you don't do this exactly, you will just be silly, drunk and
} stupid.
}
} You Owe the Oracle ten packs of Smarties and a copy of "Wayne's
} World".

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-09

Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Well , subject says it all...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, yes.  The subject does say it all, subjectively speaking.
}
}   But the subject of my objection is my rejection of your interjection
} that the subject, objectively speaking, does say it all.  For on
} objective reflection, apart from the subject, you neglect to respect
} the effect of the adjectives and the objects (both direct and
} indirect.)
}
}   Trying to be circumspect of any disrespect, in retrospect I would
} expect to connect a more correct recollection of the subject with your
} intellect.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 20:55:34 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #516-10

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle whose toe jam is sweeter than Smucker's; your humble
> supplicant beseeches you. Please tell me.
>
> How can I gain wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 1993 (in your mere mortal years, anyway), and I no longer have toe
} jam.  I have Pearl Jam.
}
} And since it's just after Christmas, we here at the Oracle Shopping
} Network have great deals on a whole range of Supplicant Products for
} Increased Tenacity (SPIT).  These will surely help you gain wisdom.
}
} 1) Ensure++.  Originally $999.99 (450 pounds sterling, several million
} lira), *NOW ONLY $6.66!!!*  This powdered fish brain is just what you
} need to add weight and muscle to the old cerebellum!  Simply have a
} reasonable breakfast, a reasonable lunch, and then 35 Ensure++ shakes
} for dinner, and _presto_, you'll find that your head will be SPINNING
} with new ideas!
}
} And for the "Show-off" in you, try New Ensure Ego!  Works like
} Ensure++, but it will actually INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD!  Watch
} people's eyes bulge as they gaze at what must surely be a dizzying
} intellect!
}
} Available in Chocolate, Vanilla, Bubble Gum, Coral, Lilac, Firebrick,
} Heifer, and Battleship Grey.
}
} 2) Marks-Pheing XR287 X-Ray Goggles.  Only $38 (0.0000000000002167
} Galactic Pu)!!!  This motorcycle crash helmet will give you insight
} you've never dreamed of!  Weighing in at only 45 pounds, it's fully
} portable with its Bowling Ball Bag Carrying Case (only available
} through OSN).  Just put it on, press a few buttons, and WHAMMO!  You've
} irradiated your head!  And for a small extra fee, OSN will sell you a
} Limited 36month/36rad Warranty!
}
} 3) You've seen it on Saturday Night Live, but you can only order it
} through OSN!  That's right!  Rubik's Grenade!  This thought-provoking
} puzzle will have your pulse and brain racing!  Simply mix it up, pull
} the pin, and then solve it by lining up all the blocks of the same
} color!  Great at parties. 3 for $46.99.
}
} 4) Some say, "With age comes wisdom."  So why wait?!?  For a limited
} time only, you can acquire the Thanatos Mirror for only $120 ($135 in
} Canada). Simply look into it, and you'll age 10 years!  In only
} moments, you can be the wisest being on the block.  And if it doesn't
} work after 5 tries, we'll replace it *FREE*!
}
} To order, simply send check or money order to: Oracle Shopping Network,
} P.O. Box 92166, Terra Haute, BI, or call, toll free, 1-800-WIZARD7.
} OSN accepts all credit cards and bribes, so order now!
}
} You owe the oracle 50 years of your life.  I get to choose which 50
} years.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #516
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d