From: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Subject: The Red Dwarf Quotes File
Reply-To: robinson_m@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Organization: Wellington City Council, Wgtn, NZ
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1992 10:58:40 GMT

I'm reposting this file - it's been a while since I last posted it here.  Could
people please mail me their favourite quotes - I feel that this file is still a
long way from being complete.  I'll now start posting this at about 2 week
intervals - unless I receive a host of quotes, in which case I'll post it
sooner.  If you don't want to see it, add the subject line to your KILL file.
        - Smrf

===============================================================================
THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE
(compiled from the 'Best lines in Red Dwarf' thread in alt.tv.red-dwarf)
===============================================================================

++++++
From 'The End':
Lister: 'You see I try sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try and
        respect and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a smeghead.'
Rimmer: 'Did you hear that sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'
Captain:'Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.'
++++++
From 'The End':
'You didn't have the right parents, well whose parents did you have then?'
        - Lister to Rimmer
++++++
From '':
Cat:    'Have you seen Rimmer's arm?'
Lister: 'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!'
++++++
From 'Me^2':
Lister: 'Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?'
Rimmer: 'I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.'
++++++
From 'Me^2':
'That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.'
        - Lister to his female counterpart
++++++
From 'Queeg':
'I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer
camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.  And in the middle
of the night I was woken up by this really wierd noise.  She didn't think men
were better than machines.'
        - Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
++++++
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.'
Lister: 'Well wear the smegging gloves.'
Cat:    '(picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?'
++++++
From 'Queeg':
Lister: 'Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast.  One pea.  I
        tell you I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to cut the pea, it rolls
        away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked.'
Rimmer: 'He's just doing this to destroy your morale.'
Lister: 'Is he.  Well.  I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if
        it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is,
        it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what!'
Rimmer: 'It flew off into your dirty sock basket.'
Lister: 'I'll just have the toast.'
++++++
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
        emerging.  Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
        Holly).'
Holly:  '(winks back) Thanks Cat.'
++++++
From 'Queeg':
Holly:  'We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool.  Yes, that's
        right, I am Queeg.'
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    'WHAT!!!!!!'
++++++
From 'Timeslides':
Rimmer: 'Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm 
ALIVE!!!!!' (just before he explodes)
++++++
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'That's mine, that's mine, that's mine, someone else can have that piece of
floor, that's mine, and that's mine.  Oooh, I made a lot of things mine, all
I need now is a woman.' - Cat
++++++
The whole conversation in 'Camille' when Rimmer & Kryten are 
discussing how cute Camille is.
++++++
From 'Camille':
Kryten: 'She looks like your cousin?  What happened, was she in some 
	kind of horrible accident?'
Rimmer: 'What, Janine?  No, she was a model!'
Kryten: 'What did she model, spark plugs?'
++++++
Kryton to Camille... (in 'Camille')
'You'll like them.... Well some of them.... Well one of them..... Maybe....'
++++++
From 'Backwards':
'Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd' - Kryten
++++++
From 'Camille':
'He's got droid rot, He's waving a bannana about and calling it an female
aardvark' - Rimmer
++++++
From 'Dimension Jump':
'Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast' - Ace Rimmer
++++++
In 'The Last Day'
'Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embaressment
factor - 91%.  Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night!'
- Kryten
++++++
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: 'We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can someone
	explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?'
Cat:    'Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
	policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!'
++++++
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'You ! How did you get into art college ?'
Lister: 'The same way you always get into art college.  The same old smegging
	boring normal way everyone gets into art college.  I failed my exams
	and applied....they snapped me up!'
++++++
'A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't 
have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields.  
I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big 
one I thought I'd mention it twice'  - Kryten (in response to the Cat's 
suggestion that they drop the defensive shields)
++++++
From 'Stasis Leak': 
Holly:  Better to have loved and lost than to have listened to an album 
	by Olivia Newton John.'
Lister: Why?
Holly:  Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia 
	Newton-John.
++++++
[Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf]
Holly:  'Nothing wrong with Dog's milk, lasts longer than any other 
	type of milk.'
Lister: 'Why's that?'
Holly:  'No bugger will drink it!'
++++++
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister explodes ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it was the yellow cable.'
++++++
My favorite moment has to be Holly's bit in Me^2; the story about the 
two supra-light fighters from the Norweb alliance, and how Lister owes 
three billion pounds... April Fool... classic!
++++++
From 'Me^2':
'Your sausages now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.'
++++++
From 'Balance of Power':
Rimmer: 'I thought the lamb went over rather well.'
Lister: 'Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue
	pie, man, what was that?'
Rimmer: 'I thought you liked that - you brought some back.'
Lister: 'Yea, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
'I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!' - Cat
++++++
From 'Queeg':
'Holly, you're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican' - Rimmer
[What I think is almost as funny as this line is Rimmer's accent on 
'condom'.]
++++++
'Lister, if two people come for a job, and one of them's dead, which one 
would you choose?' - Rimmer
++++++
From 'Camille':
'The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.' 
	- Kryten to Camille
++++++
From 'White Hole':
'I'm not pished.' - Lister, asserting he wasn't drunk
++++++
'Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.' - Cat, ordering dinner
++++++
From 'Kryten':
'But I was only away for a couple of minutes!'
	- Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
++++++
From 'DNA':
'Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.'
	- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
++++++
From 'The Last Day':
'Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?'
	- Rimmer to Kryten
++++++
The dialogue that begins in RD IV, D.N.A. when Kryten says to Lister 
'I'd like to discuss my penis'
++++++
'No vacuum cleaner should give a human a double polaroid.'
++++++
From 'The End'
Holly: 'Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji ... not 
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path'
++++++
The line goes something like this:
Cat (after coming out of the closet): 'He won't find that one, not until he 
changes his boots.' (sees Lister, covers his face): 'Did you get a good 
look at him?  Could you see his face?  Could you spot him in a parade?  
I don't think so.  It could have been anyone.'
++++++
From 'Dimension Jump':
'If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.'
++++++
Convict: No weapons?
Lister:  No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister:  So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
	 of the gun)
Lister:  (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that.
A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.
++++++
From 'Dimension Jump': 'Sorry Bongo but lunch is on Millee'
++++++
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!' - Holly
++++++
From 'Polymorph':
'You forgot Rimmer's Rule:  Never fight anything with more teeth than 
the entire Osmond family'
++++++
'That's not a meal that's an autopsy!' - Cat
++++++
From 'Future Echoes':
'It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an 
event that could will have been taken place in the future.'
++++++
From 'Confidence & Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, what separates us from the animals is that we don't
	clean our own genitals with our tongue.
++++++
From 'Better than life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say....
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you.... That you're a complete
			and utter smeg head.
Rimmer (suprised):      What! That isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No, it's mine.
++++++
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Aliens! Breaking your leg hurts like Hell, right?  Hel....and they broke 
your legs beLOW the knee.....Hello....they broke TWO of your 
legs......Hello to....and putting the puzzle together must mean you!  
Hello to you!'
'Well, I wouldn't like to be around when one of these guys is giving a 
speech!'
++++++
'Rimmer, real proper dumplings, when they're properly made do NOT bounce!'
++++++
From 'Stasis Leak':
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand 
		still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
		whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal 
		laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a time hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door. Well, why didn't you say that in the first 
		place?
++++++
From 'Kryten':
'His name's not Mr. Arnold - it's _Rimmer_ or smeghead, or dinosaur 
breath, or molecule mind....and if you want to be really mega polite, 
we're talking mega polite here, on those rare and exceptional 
circumstances, you can call him Asshole.' - Lister to Kryten
++++++
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: 'I killed him, cha cha cha.'
Lister:     'What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?'
++++++
From 'Better than life':
'I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm 
going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' - Cat
++++++
From 'Justice World':
'My god, his head's exploded!' - Cat
++++++
From 'DNA':
Kryten: 'The question is, how do we turn him back?'
Rimmer: 'No, the question is, do we want to?' 
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
++++++
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
++++++
From 'White Hole':
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... would
you like a toasted tea cake?' - The Talking Toaster
++++++
Rimmer: 'You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
	you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic
	and you're self-obssessed.'
Cat:    'Hey, you just listed all my best features!'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: 'I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever
        been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside to have
        to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.'
Kryten: 'You didn't find it uplifting?'
......
Cat:    'Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that stuff
        about the ducks was great, then it went B&W and I fell asleep.'
Kryten: 'That was the cartoon at the beginning of the movie!'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and
_doesn't_ go into show business?'
        - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
++++++
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: 'They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!'
Cat:    'Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back.'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'What do you do when you want to have sex?'
Rimmer: 'Oh, we go on runs...we watch gardening video's on the ship's vid..'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'It was...different'
Rimmer: 'Different?'
Nirvana:'You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_ many
        courses.'
......
Nirvana:'We usually talk.'
Rimmer: 'What do you talk about?'
Nirvana:'Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...'
Rimmer: 'Sorry, I must have seemed very boring...about all I said was
        "Geronimo".'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally wierd, stuck up
megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them?  What am I saying?
Bon Voyage.' - Lister
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a
society where you will be forced to have sex with beautiful woman twice daily,
on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that slightly tacky? ....
well, clearly I am.' - Kryten
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us
now.  To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science teachers.'
        - Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants.
++++++
From 'Holoship':
Woman:  'I'd just like to get 1 thing clear in my mind.  This is an opportunity
        to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew ... and the
        crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derilict
        spaceships, playing poker, and eating currys?'
Lister: 'We don't exactly do much salvaging.'
Woman:  'But you do sound like you eat a lot of currys?'
Kryten: 'We don't exactly eat currys every night.  In fact, I distinctly
        remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.  Remember? And you
        didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and you loved
        it!'
Woman:  'And the all night poker sessions.  Is it always _strip_ poker?'
Lister: 'It all depends on how drunk we are.'
Cat:    'Or how much curry he's had.'
Woman:  'So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?'
Lister: 'Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
        Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in
        theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept?'
Woman:  'No.  No, I think I'm better where I am.'
Cat:    'But you're dead!'
Woman:  'Exactly, and meeting you guys has really make me appreciate it.'
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people
I met.' - Rimmer, making his goodbyes.
++++++
From 'Holoship':
'Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart - we'll just not be together.
[pause] I can't believe I just said that.' - Rimmer, talking about Nirvana
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamennon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill
        to parchment.'
Lister: 'Yeah, its the comic book version.'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.'
Rimmer: 'We're in big trouble.'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Rimmer: 'Why did no one mention this before.  If I had been told about this at
        the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I
        could have done something about it.  All those charity telethons that I
        pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them _my_ credit card
        number.
Kryten: 'Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary
        worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.'
Rimmer: 'Oh god.'
Kryten: 'Make a contribution.'
Rimmer: 'Oh God.'
Kryten: 'No matter how small.'
Rimmer: 'Oh GOD.'
Kryten: 'You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally
        egocentric, self centered, and self serving.'
Rimmer: 'You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Inquisitor:     'Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge
                shall be ... yourself.'
Rimmer:         'Oh SMEG.'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
All the dialogues that the characters have with themselves, justifying themself.
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
'Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a great
ass.' - Cat, justifying himself.
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is
        the time to tell me about it.'
Kryten: 'No plan sir.  No sleeves.'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'We used to be your shipmates.'
Rimmer: 'Only - we've forgotten you.'
Lister: 'Yeah.'
Rimmer: 'Well, I don't know about you - but I'm convinced.'
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
'You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people committed
suicide!' - Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
'Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?'
        - Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
++++++
From 'Inquisitor':
'Nyaa.  It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick..'
        - Lister
++++++
From 'Terrorform':
'Kryten personal black box recording.  Time unknown.  Location unknown.  Cause
of accident unknown.  Should someone will find this recording it will shed
light as to what happened here.  My short term memory has been erased.  This I
ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine.  Secondly, due
to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine, my short term memory
appears to have been erased.  This, combined with the erasure of my short term
memory, has left me a little disoriented.' - Kryten
++++++
From 'Terrorform':
(typed)
Lister: 'Help.  Something is crawling up my leg.  I think it's a taranshula.'
Cat:    '(You're playing that dumb adventure game!)'
Lister: 'It's in my boxers.  I think it's making a nest.'
Cat:    '(Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard - that's what I
        usually do.)'
Lister: 'I'm SERIOUS.'
Cat:    'It has an eye the size of a meatball.'
Lister: 'Kill it.'
Cat:    'How?'
Lister: 'I can't think straight.  I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of
        a meatball setting up home in my joy department.  Help me.'
Cat:    'I'm scared'
Lister: 'YOU'RE scared?  How do you think I feel?'
Cat:    'You haven't SEEN it!'
Lister: 'The lower half of my body has gone numb.'
Cat:    'That's probably for the best.'
Lister: 'It's moving.  Oh *#%^**!!!!'
Hand:   'Hello.  Kryten in danger.  No time to explain.  Follow.'
++++++
From 'Terrorform':
'Sir - a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified service
engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my warranty.
Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that was already open.'
        - Kryten
++++++
From 'Terrorform':
'Look I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but I demand my right to a
phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop you.  I thought the threat of legal
action would have you running for cover.'
......
'Is this the British embassy?  Does this look even the remotest _bit_ like the
British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I am doing here and I want
to know now.'
......
'Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running around in
black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes.  Thank God you're here.
You know I really thought that I was in horrible danger. [Rip] Is it just me or
has it suddenly become rather hot in here?'
......
'I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my name and
number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people are or what you think you're
playing at, but I'm not going to give you anything else.  You can oil me all you
like, you can use your tounges and your full senusual lips to caress my erogenous
zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but I will tell you know, this nuts not
for cracking.  However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you
absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, so be
it.  Just have a large quatro formagio pizza with extra olives ready at the end.
Ahh - where are you going?  What are you doing?  My God, are you going to take a
flying leap?'
Woman:  'We are going to summon the master.'
'The master?'
Woman:  'You have been prepared for him.'
'This master character - and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full
answer to this one - but why does he want me oiling in particulary?  Obviously
whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?'
Woman:  'He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.'
'Not the best news, but it could have been worse.'
++++++
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: 'Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless?'
Frogs:  'Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless.'
Cat:    'Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck!  And it's
        got a human face!'
Lister: 'It's Rimmer's mum!'
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    'Wait a minute, I've got it, they have swam south for the winter.'
Kryten: 'That's birds sir.'
Cat:    'Birds 'swim' south for the winter !?!?! How do they breath ?'
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
'Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?'
        - Lister, when they discover the suicides
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
'Hang five guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed
suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind
of link here I can't quite grasp (? obscured by laugh track).' - Cat
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen before
        attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form. It secretes a
        venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucenogenic which disfunctions its
        prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew members, and even that
        fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated.
        It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience
        (bursts into tears) moments of despair and anguish.'
Rimmer: 'What about Lister and the Cat?'
Lister: 'I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.
Cat:    'What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing
        Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? I mean you
        guys just fall apart (crying).'
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm not going to take any
        crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around lets
        establish whether I am the type of guy who doesn't mind being ordered
        around or whether I get all up tight by being ordered about by whatever
        type of guy you are. CLEAR !!'
......
Kryten: 'Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like the sound of that. That
        sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at
        City Hall don't like it, well they can park their overpayed fat arse's
        on this middle digit and swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on
        a honeymoon.
Rimmer: 'On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is
        in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly
        macho name.'
......
Kryten: 'Bullet. Cybernautics.'
Cop:    'That's traffic control.'
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: 'Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the
        the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of
        corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife
        will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up
        petty crime to cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he
        knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it
        goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobbly
        hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it hits him. With all
        his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in a computer game and wait
        until the heat is off. And so it ends, the Ballard of Billy 'Granny
        Killer' Doyle.'
Lister: '(To Rimmer) It's yours.'
Rimmer: 'What?!'
Lister: 'It's yours.... Bill.'
Rimmer: 'No.'
Lister: 'Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.'
Rimmer: 'William Doyle. 'William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a
        hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old
        money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back
        to me now.'
Lister: 'What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly good
        breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly male Yak has
        taken a leak in both pockets.'
Rimmer: 'Well isn't it obvious.'
Kryten: 'No it isn't.'
Rimmer: 'OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.'
++++++
From 'Back to Reality':
'This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a
mass murderer and a man in a white nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam
human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine. And now my best
flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you
with the gun.' - Rimmer
++++++
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
'(Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this 
newsgroup?)'


AN EPISODE GUIDE TO HELP IN PLACING THESE THINGS (IF ANYONE WANTS TO HELP?)

Series One:
The End                 (Show begins)
Future Echoes           (Stuff from future)
Balance of Power        (Lister tries to be a chef)
Waiting for God         (Lots of Cat stuff here)
Confidence & Paranoia   (Lister hallucinates 2 people)
Me^2 (Me Sqaured)       (There are two Rimmers)

Series Two:
Kryten                  (We first meet Kryten)
Better Than Life        (Videogame that's 'Better Than Life')
Thanks 4 The Memory     (Lister Gives Rimmer some of his memory)
Stasis Leak             (The crew goes back in time in the ship)
Queeg                   (Holly loses the ship to another computer)
Parallel Universe       (We meet female versions of the crew)

Series Three:  (Kryten joins crew as regular)
Backwards       (Crew goes to Earth, and everything is backwards)
Marooned        (Lister & Rimmer are marooned on an ice planet)
Polymorph       (Shapeshifter than can drain emotions)
Mind Swap       (Lister & Rimmer change minds)
Timeslides      (Lister becomes the richest person ever)
The Last Day    (Kryten's replacement arrives)

Series Four:
Camille         (Kryten falls in love with another android)
D.N.A.          (A DNA changing machine is found)
Justice         (Crew finds a pod with a killer in it)
White Hole      (Return of Toaster; Time changing story)
Dimension Jump  (Ace Rimmer appears.   Excellent Episode)
Meltdown        (Crew lands on a waxwork world)

Series Five:
Holoship        (Rimmer tries to get on a hologram ship)
The Inquisitor  (Crew must prove worthy people or die)
Terrorform      (Crew explores inside Rimmer's mind)
Quarantine      (Rimmer holds the crew in quarantine)
Demons & Angels (We meet good and bad versions of crew)
Back to Reality (The crew get different personalities)

Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf