From: sl859@cc.usu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh,rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: LNH:Ultimate Ninja #4: Grasping for the Conch!
Date: 14 Dec 92 13:15:57 MDT
Organization: Utah State University


                                                                      
                            
                                         
                                             
                                       
                                     
                                       
                            
                                                                      
                                               
                                                      
                                                      
                                              
                                                
                                                
                                         
                                                                            
      
                                                                              
Issue #4:               Grasping at the Conch. 

                                          by wReam...


      Ultimate Ninja surveyed the damage.  It was the same scenario he had
played over and over again.  This time something faded.  He had managed to 
kill the entire LNH in less than 2 minutes, but something was helping him.  
There was corruption in the air.  Ultimate Ninja panted a bit as he sheathed
his spotless shiny ginsu cancutting katana blades.  Even though he had just
finished wiping out the LNH he didn't have a single blood stain.  It was 
one of those side effect powers that UN had earned by right of his powers.
      Until now.  Ultimate Ninja looked at his suit.  It was covered in 
blood.  He jerked back in a shock, but the blood began to poor from the 
suit.  Ultimate Ninja drew back in horror, shaking the blood as it spread
across his body like fire.   Just then a pile of body parts moved and 
animated, up from the heap rose a familiar sight.  
      "Noooo!  You are gone!  Dead!"  Ultimate Ninja drew away in terror 
from the sinister apparition.  "Acton Lord!  You are dead!"
      "Ultimate Ninja.  You have practiced well.  The LNH is all dead and
you will enjoy the fruits of your victory."  Acton Lord smirked sinisterly
like he had done so many times when he was alive.  
      Ultimate Ninja drew back in a fit of fear.  "No!  It is to prepare 
myself for the traitor!  I will not be caught unawares!"  Ultimate Ninja 
tried to explain.  Ultimate Ninja began to gather his strength again, he 
had destroyed this villain only when he was calm and ready for him.  
Nothing that Acton Lord could say could make him weak unless he let it.
      "Has it ever occurred to you, that you are the traitor?"  Acton Lord
accused.  Ultimate Ninja buckled under the attack. 
 
      "Noooooooo!"       

      Ultimate Ninja opened his eyes to see... nothing.  He was still in 
the Perilroom, but the image of Acton Lord had evaporated as he looked on. 
      Contraption Man and Myk-El came bursting into the room, as the room
returned to its normal look, and the mangled bodies disappeared in a techno
blitz evaporation as they were created.  
      "Boss!  Are you alright?!"  Contraption Man said with wonder.  "I just
can't understand it!  I thought I had all the bugs out, but recently the
PerilRoom has been acting up again."
      "You mean to tell me that was a glitch in the system!?" Ultimate Ninja 
asked in disbelief.  It was too real.  Someone had to be behind it.
      "It had to be!  There is no program under that name and your Acton Lord
Combat simulation remained locked through your entire ordeal."  Contraption 
Man tried to explain.  "I finally had to reboot the entire program drive!"
      "Who would do such a thing!  I think it was an accident!  No one we 
know is capable of such tampering except maybe you, Multi-Tasking Man and 
Captain CoreDump."  Myk-El tried to reason out the possibilities, but they 
seemed very unsatisfactory.  "I suppose Acton Lord might could do it, but 
he's dead, right?"
      "No."  Ultimate Ninja frowned.  The answer to which question was lost 
in the ambiguity of the situation.  "Whomever is responsible may lead us to 
who the traitor is.  We must ferret out the one who will eventually betray 
us all."
      CheeseCake-Eater Lad, Parking Karma Kid and Cannon Fodder poked their 
heads around the open door to the PerilRoom.  "Hey UN, Are you ready to 
teach our self defense class?"
      Ultimate Ninja who was deep in thought nodded and the three entered the
room.  "Start by stretching out, and remember that tranquil meditation."
      The three began to stretch.  Ultimate Ninja scolded himself.  I should 
take my own advice!  I should relax, and do my best, only then can I be 
ready for the threats ahead.  Gotta get back to practice, UN thought.  
Something was still missing:  three of his pupils!
      "Where are BadTiming Boy, Procrastination Boy and Squid Boy?"  Ultimate
Ninja asked CheeseCake Eater Lad.  
      "Oh, well let me see...  Umm BadTiming Boy is having second thoughts 
about you being the leader, especially after you ignored his claims that 
they ran into the Legion of Net.Villains."
      "Oh and you believe them!?"  Ultimate Ninja said appalled.
      "Squid Boy has gone out with BandWagon Chick to get some Sushi 
at 'Sushi Bell'.  He has been trying really hard to get to know her better, 
and some other LNHer has been pursuing her about every other moment!"  
CheeseCake Eater shot an accusing glance at Parking Karma Kid who blushed, 
and then stretched his leg over a handrail.  
      "Ahhh!  I can't help it if women find me irresistible!"  PK Kid said
smiling.  
      "Hah!  She only likes you cuz you're the only one who can find a place 
park her BandWagon!"  Myk-El said accusingly.  
      "Nu-uh!  You take that back!"  PK Kid jumped into a Martial stance and
made a ninja battle cry. "AOOOOAAHHWUUUAA-HAH!"  
      Myk-El sidestepped a rampaging PK-Kid who went plowing into Cannon 
Fodder.  Ultimate Ninja buried his face in his hands, shaking his head in
disgust.  PK Kid was definitely not learning all that he should in these 
lessons, and Cannon Fodder, try as he might was still a human target.  It 
was a seemingly hopeless task to teach these kids anything, but perhaps it
will sink in somehow.  After all, if Ralph Macchio could learn to be a 
Karate Master, it should be easy for him to teach these three to do Martial 
arts, at least that was the theory.  
      "Oh and Procrastination Boy is cramming for a final."
      "Gee. I would have thought he would have put that off!"  
      "Well he did.  His final starts in 20 minutes, and he hasn't studied 
for the entire course."   CheeseCake-Eater Lad smiled contently.  "I suppose
he has been putting off this class for quite sometime as well.  He will
probably start 'officially' after a week or so of putting it off."
      "The fool.  Doesn't he know how important it is he be ready to protect
himself!?  I mean if he really ran into the Legion of Net Villains he will
be dead in a second, without some ability to save himself."  Ultimate Ninja 
grumbled.
      "Well, he might be avoiding you for another reason."  Myk-El said 
calmly.
      "And what is that?"  Ultimate Ninja asked.
      "Well, if you really wish to know, I can tell you, but you gotta 
promise to not get mad."  Myk-El said cautiously.
      "Why would I hurt you!?  Of course I won't!  I promise."  
      "Well there are some in the Legion who do not respect your leadership."
Myk-El said backing up.  "Ever since Rebel Yell left, and Continuity Champ 
died, well, there has been a lot of instability going around.  Frankly some 
do not feel you can lead!"  
      Ultimate Ninja frowned.  This was his suspicion.  All the secret 
scowls and murmuring behind his back.  They had not gone by unnoticed.
      "Well until we have another leader we will just deal with this as it 
comes..."  Ultimate Ninja spurted trying to ignore the problem.  
      "We have a lesson here.  Myk-El you are free to stay if you wish, 
otherwise please leave us to this lesson."
      
        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *                                                                        
       
        RosterwReam sat in the main computer room bored with an 
equally bored Multi-Tasking Man.  Multi-Tasking Man was busy repairing 
and reinstalling the computer software that had been so 
recently trashed, playing Net.Trek, writing a text editor in YMP Cray 
machine language, watching the perimeter alert, watching the parameter 
alert and causing a flamewar in comp.ai.nueral-nets, so even MT-Man was 
pretty bored and not busy either.
        "Ha-Ha.  I just love placing strings about the superiority of 
expert systems in the neural nets newsgroup.  They just go bananas when
anyone suggests that neural nets are a lousy form of Artificial 
Intelligence!"  MT-Man mused to completely distracted RosterwReam.  
        "Yeah, I bet."  RosterwReam answered, not understanding a single
word.  He was having enough difficulties learning the new computerized
roster format.  His mind was wandering again.  RosterwReam didn't want 
to be in charge of the roster anymore.  
        I should be out fighting evil!  RosterwReam thought. I never do 
anything!
        "Hey!  RosterwReam, can you go get me another box of disks?" 
MT-Man asked.
        "Yeah, I bet."  He moved a mouse around on the screen blankly.
        "RosterwReam?"  MT-Man turned toward the distracted roster 
sidekick.  "Earth to RosterwReam!"
        "Huh?"  RosterwReam turned realizing he was in a trance, he tried 
act like he knew what he was doing.  He didn't.  "I'm sorry?  What did
you want?"
        "More disks?"  
        "Ummm.  Where do you keep them?"
        "By that locked door that never opens, you know, the one with the 
three letters DRH on it."
        "Oh.  Yes, the quarters of Serious Writer (tm).  He claims to have
nothing to do with us!  He's a serious writer!"  RosterwReam said getting 
up and heading for the closet of where the disks were held.  "Drat!  I
forgot to put him on the roster as well!"  He cursed.  I wonder what DRH 
stands for?  RosterwReam thought back to an explanation that List Lad had
told him once.  I think the R stands for Rogue-lover, if I recall correctly.

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        "Hey, Myk-El!  Is that you back there?"  Contraption Man called out
from under a panel he was tinkering under in the main control room of the 
PerilRoom.
        "Yeah.  Ultimate Ninja is getting a bit feisty.  I just told him 
how you guys think he sucks as a leader."  Myk-El said convincingly.  "You
need some help?"
        "Sure I could use some help."  Contraption Man said smiling.  "So 
why would you tell him that about his leadership?"
        "Well its true!"
        "OH I don't think he is that bad.  He is just a bit new."  
Contraption Man said defending UN just for kicks.  "Besides, if you guys 
don't like him as leader, why don't you get another one?"
        "Can we do that?"  Myk-El rested his chin on his fist in a thinker
position.  "You know, even though he isn't as good as Rebel Yell, he is 
probably the most qualified to lead the LNH.  What with RL, LG and CC all 
gone."
        "Well he is at that."  Contraption Man said.  "Perhaps you ought 
to put more faith in him.  I mean he is the only one around here who even
worries about all of your well-fare!  Especially when there is a traitor 
abroad."
        "What!?  You mean you don't think he is the traitor?"  Myk-El's 
jaw dropped in amazement.  "I thought you had it all figured out."
        "Nah.  He in fact is the only one worried about it.  I think it 
is too obvious that he could be the traitor.  I just don't believe he 
could be it.  Besides, He is just too popular to be the traitor, unstable
as he is."
        "So who do you think it is?"  Myk-El perked up.
        "Oh.  Well its gotta be someone that we wouldn't suspect.  But its
gotta be someone powerful enough to wipe us all out.  It must be someone 
who has betrayed the LNH cause.  Someone who is secretly thinking that he 
is fooling us all with his snide and shifty mannerisms."
        "WELL I can't imagine who else could be the traitor!?" Myk-El 
squinted sinisterly.  "Who could it be?"
        "Well I have it narrowed down to a few LNHers..."  Contraption Man
smiled pondering his mental list. 
        "Like who?"  Myk-El slid forward in his seat.  
        "Well it could be Spelling Boy, he has had a chip on his shoulder
since he was torn apart by Professor Perhap's wolves...  Or MultiTasking
Man, he wanted to get rid of me...  Or perhaps Lost Cause Boy, except that 
he is dead, you remember the Woody scandal...  Or maybe Deja Dude or Cliche 
Dude, just because it is one of those cliched things that has been done 
before."  Contraption Man rattled off a list.  "... or PLOT KING or 
Allusion Lad, or maybe Kid Kirby..."
        "You don't have a clue."  smiled Myk-El contently.  Myk-El rested 
his hand on the main controller of the PerilRoom.  Below the cries of 
of Parking Karma Kid, CheeseCake Eater Lad and Cannon Fodder were heard.  
They were trying to break boards.  The Control Booth overlooked the comical
scene.  PK Kid smacked the wood then yelped in pain, as the 1/4th inch 
board stayed serene and unblemished by the PK Kid attack.  Even so Myk-El 
looked up and walked out of the PerilRoom as if he had something else 
to do.
        "... or it could be you ..."  Contraption Man muttered under his
breath.   "... traitor ..." 

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *


        RosterwReam reentered the computer room only to find it empty.  
        Strange.  MT-Man never leaves this room.  He must have had to go 
to the rest room.  That is about the only time I see him leave the computer
lab.  He probably wouldn't leave to do that except for the few female 
characters running around here.  
        RosterwReam sat the box of disks at MT-Man's vacant post.  Just 
then the computer fired up another graphics fix.  The screen whirred up 
again.  
        "There goes that uplink to DRIZZTSAT again.  Sheesh!  What does
that have to do with anything?!"  RosterwReam said aloud to provide some
variation on his communications.  "I wonder if I can keep the link going."
        RosterwReam was not computer illiterate.  Before his conception 
he was one with Captain CoreDump.  In fact he most of the time acted like
he didn't know what he was doing so that others would do the job for him,
but there was no one around to get him to establish the uplink so he sat
back and began to tamper with the satellite linkup interface.  
        RosterwReam tracked the fleeting signal which attempted to break 
contact with the combeam.  RosterwReam congratulated himself on his 
accomplishments.  This was the most fun he had had in days. 
        All of a sudden numbers and information began to poor in. 
Recognizing it was a video signal, he diverted the information influx to 
the monitor.  RosterwReam gasped at what he saw.  It was everything he had
done within the last month or so!  Not to mention the rest of the LNH.  
        Someone has us all on tape!  RosterwReam though mouth agape.  
        RwR adjusted the tape monitor tracking.  The signal was encoded
on a transdimensional axis shifter.  The main computer did most of the work
but RosterwReam had definately stumbled across something that was 
mysterious.  The view screen showed MT-Man.  He was just leaving the little
heroes room! 
        "Yikes!  He'll kill me if he sees I have been tampering with his 
set-up.  Gotta break the connection!"  RosterwReam jumbled nervously across 
the keyboard.  He could never type well under pressure.  Every command was 
typed wrong, and had to be retyped.
        "What are you doing in here!?"  fumed MT-Man.  "You are not supposed
to be touching anything in here!"
        RosterwReam jumped at the sudden entry, banging his hands clumsily
across the keyboard and into the transmatter control switches.  Just then 
the transmatter hummed on, and the there was a dry crackling sound as the 
transmat blurred on.
        "I was only trying to see what the heck the uplink to DRIZZTSAT
meant!"  RosterwReam said over the crackling.  The room flooded with white 
light.
        "You IDIOT!  There is no such thing!"  MT-Man moved to the keyboard
frantically, but was frozen in mid leap by the entry explosion that was 
jammed into the transmat pads.  "Fool!  the Transmat is overcharging!  It
has to transport something or it will short!"
       
        "IT'S GONNA BLOW!"

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        "What the heck are we doing in these transport pods!?"  CheeseCake 
Eater Lad exclaimed in shock.
        "Did the perilroom go bonkers again or did Ultimate Ninja just kill 
us and we were automatically transported here!?"  Parking Karma Kid 
wondered.
        "Well the Peril room automatically transports us to safety if we 
are to be killed and then replaces us with exact duplicates which then get 
unavoidably mutilated.  That is how the PerilRoom works, however I didn't 
feel any death of any type from the T-port, which is something my 
specialized abilities allow me to feel."  Cannon Fodder said.
        "Good thing you explained all that about the PerilRoom, its not like
any of us aren't aware of how it works!"
        "It was a fit of exposition, guys."
        "So what are we doing here then?"

        "Its gotta be a bug, Look!"  Contraption Man let the heroes out of
transport pods and directed them to the window that overlooked the PerilRoom.
        "Hey!  That's us!?" Cannon Fodder said admiring himself. "Gee, I 
didn't know I looked so buff!!"  
        "Yeah!  Me too!  Now I see why BandWagon Chick digs me!  Look at my
muscles!"  Parking Karma Kid pointed down to a muscle swolen PK Kid.
        "Uh guys, don't you think we should warn Ultimate Ninja!?"  Cheese
Cake Eater Lad suggested.
        "You are right, but the intercom isn't responding and the PerilRoom
door has sealed itself shut!"  Contraption Man mentioned with a bit of alarm.
        "Hey guys!  UN is in big trouble!  LOOK!"  Cannon Fodder diverted 
the bumbling groups attention to the three musclebound dopplegangers.  They 
had just materialized some nasty looking swords and were turning on Ultimate
Ninja.  "We've gotta help him!  He doesn't suspect an attack yet!"  
        "He's sorta got his head in his hands!"  PK Kid said shocked. "LOOK
UP!  They will chop you to bits!"
        Cheesecake Eater Lad smashed his fists against the panel of glass 
between he and the PerilRoom.
        "There is a renegade program running this thing!  I can't even 
reboot without disabling the main power grid!!"  Contraption Man yelled
helplessly.  "Nothing is functioning correctly."
        "What about the guns?"  CheeseCake Eater recalled the time he had
to turn them on when Black Coronary was attacking.
        "Of course!  They still work, the person who wrote the renegade
program didn't antecipate that!  ACTIVATE THE PLASMA CANNON!"  Contraption
Man bellowed.
        CheeseCake-Eater Lad reacted before the command could even be given. 
He aimed the cannon at a sword that was being swung at the unsuspecting 
ninja.  The sword shattered into shards of hot shiny metal. 
        "That got his attention!"  Cannon Fodder yelled excitedly.

        Ultimate Ninja jumped up and away from the three encroaching 
heroes.  He was quite shocked.  One moment he was dozing off, the next he 
was being attacked by his three pupils on mega-steroids and taking a slag
shower!  Was this a dream!?  He looked around and up to the control booth.
To his surprise he saw PK Kid, Cannon Fodder and CheeseCake Eater up in 
the booth waving frantically.  It was obvious they were trying to tell 
them that the three in the room were not good company.  It didn't take much
to tell that as he observed the evil Cannon Fodder raise a sword and come
running toward him.  
        Ultimate Ninja dodged the attack and beheaded the evil Cannon fodder 
with a swing of his Katana blade.  The evil Cannon Fodder fell to the ground 
dead.  The evil PK Kid and CCELad decided to double team the stealthy ninja.
As they approached they were instantly shreaded and cut apart as a fist full
of NINJA BUSH passed effortlessly through thier figures.  The dropped to the
ground in another heap of body parts.  The images disappeared.  Just then 
the images reappeared, this time with guns.  Ultimate Ninja cut them down 
but they would reappear.  
        Up in the booth Cannon Fodder decided he would switch of the main 
power grid.  PK Kid, Cannon Fodder and CheeseCake Eater Lad all fought over
control of the Plasma Cannon.  
        "I want to pick off those evil guys in there!"
        "No fair!  YOU had your turn!  Its my turn!"
        "Oh bite me!  I am the one who knows how this works!"
        Contraption Man wiped the sweat from his forehead.  I don't know 
how UN has anymore energy to keep fighting in there after having to deal 
with these three, he thought.  "Fellas!  There is enough controllers for
everyone!"  Contraption Man pointed to two other cannon controllers.  PK Kid
and Cannon Fodder rushed to take a seat and began to pick up on the controls.
        "You know!  This is a lot like a video game I used to play, where 
you have to shoot the bad guys and not hit the good guys!"  CheeseCake 
Eater observed.
        "How did you do on the game?"  Cannon Fodder asked.
        "Oh I always ended up killing all the good guys, and well I always
lost within the first fifteen minutes!"  CheeseCake Eater Lad shirked.
        Just then one of the three cannons shot awfully close to UN, 
singeing his suit.
        "OOPS sorry, bout that UN."  PK Kid said coyly.


        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        "What the HECK am I doing here!?"  shouted a voice from the main
computer control room of LNHHQ.  From the transmat pad stepped a very 
strange looking hero.  He was dressed in the loudest most offensive suit 
a person could imagine.
        "You are in LNH.HQ."  RosterwReam tried to look friendly.
        "How dare you release me from my captivity!  Do you have any idea 
what I was doing there!?"  the loud hero fumed.
        "  no.  "  RosterwReam squeaked timidly.
        "Well  OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T!  FOR ALL YOU KNOW I could be holding
the very fabric of the Net.Verse together!  How dare you tamper with things
you have no idea how they work!"
        "My thoughts exactly!"  MT-Man shot an accusing glance at 
RosterwReam who shrunk in his place.  
        "And just who are you!?"  the loud one continued. "WHY DIDN'T you 
PREVENT this!?"  
        "I was going to the restroom and..."
        AND YOU THINK THAT IS AN EXCUSE!!!  LIKE YOU CANT DO IT LATER OR 
SOMETHING!

        Flames shot across the room.  They were sporadic, non discriminatory
flames that roasted the two LNHers.

        "  excuse me, but who are you?  "  RosterwReam asked up.

        "I was wondering when we would get to the introductions!  I mean
you two are a really RUDE bunch!"  the flames encircled RosterwReam and 
MT-Man again.  

        "I am OPINIONATE LAD!!!"

        Just then all the power in the complex went out...

        "Oh great!  and I bet you don't even pay your power bill!!"  The 
Opinionated One glowed until the power went back up again.

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        Acton Lord gasped in the dark.  Trying to sleep was not easy for 
one who had made so many enemies.  He sat in the dark eyes wide open.  The
Nightmare reeled in his head over and over and over again.  
        "It was only a dream, right?"  Acton Lord reminded himself.  "HE
couldn't possibly be free."
        Acton Lord slowly leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes. He
did not go back to sleep.

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       

        Contraption Man, Ultimate Ninja, Parking Karma Kid, CheeseCake Eater
Lad and Cannon Fodder stumbled into the main control computer center about 
three  minutes after the power came back on.  
        "We have a problem, there is a traitor in the LNH."  Contraption Man
began to address the group, not even noticing the newcomer.
        "Do you know who it is for sure!?"  Ultimate Ninja said exhaustedly.
        
        
        "Well, not for sure, but I know a way we can trap him, if it is
who I think it is!"


*****************************************************************************
*  Stay tuned for the chilling conclusion to the traitor                    *
*  thread that will only result in the ousting of one of    wReam...        *
*  the LNHers forever!!!                                                    *
*****************************************************************************

Character Credits and Reference List:

RosterwReam             wReam...  
Ultimate Ninja          also wReam...
Cliche Dude             Jef the KaTeFaN
Multi-Tasking Man       Jeff the Wonder Llama    
Deja Dude               Martin Phipps
Parking Karma Kid       NWC (don't know origin)
CheeseCake Eater Lad    NWC (don't know origin)
Cannon Fodder           NWC (original concept by wReam... )
Contraption Man         NWC (original concept by Drizzt)
Rebel Yell              Scavenger (Todd Kogutt)
Acton Lord              Dave Van Domelen
Serious Writer          DRH (can't say more!) 
Opinionated Lad         uplink
Continuity Champ        Drizzt (Jeff Barnes)
Spelling Boy            Bill Sherman
BandWagon Chick         Sue Clark
Squid Boy               NWC (don't know origin)
Lurking Girl            Tori
Captain CoreDump        NWC (original concept by wReam... )
PLOT KING               Scavenger
Procrastination Boy     NWC (don't know origin)
BadTiming Boy           NWC (don't know origin)
Myk-El                  Mike Kelly
Kid Kirby               Harith Jameel (etc...  %-)
Professor Perhap        NWC (original concept by Mark Friedman)
Black Coronary		NWC (original concept by wReam...)
Xref: sparky alt.comics.lnh:245 rec.arts.comics.misc:9604