From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Seeking some friendly (perhaps more) advice
Date: 13 Oct 92 00:44:45 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA

In article <1bc6iuINNgl3@bigboote.WPI.EDU> damong@manyjars.WPI.EDU (Damon Francis Gentile) writes:
>Hello all. I've been reading lots of newsgroups lately and it seems that fellow
>netters are pretty much down to earth, so  I figured I'd ask my question here.
>
>I've never had much luck with starting conversations out of the blue, and
>much less relationships. Last Thursday I had a very brief conversation 
>with a girl in one of my classes and noticed that she'd been sitting next
>to me for a few days now. When I went to class today I noticed her kindof
>staring at me when I glanced over (perhaps to do the same.......) but 
>anyway she turned away rapidly. 
>
>So my question is : what is the best way to try to start something out of the
>blue ? I'm not necisarily looking for a SO, or a GF for that matter, but I
>certainly would not complain. ;) I think that this girl is really cute and 
>she is very intelligent. 
>
>But the problem : there are only 3 more classes.... Tuesday, Thursday and
>the Final is Friday. :(
>
Well, this is one of those things you learn with practice, but I hope
this description will help.

First, start with a friendly attitude. Try not to be too self-conscious
about it but smile and act like you are paying attention to the other
person. You need to start out with the attitude that you are going to
be friendly and outgoing towards this person, at least for a little
while, whether they respond positively or not. Don't worry about 
seeming a little nervous. If you are also friendly, nervousness
usually comes off as cute.

The first thing you should ask is an question with an easy answer.  The
idea here is to make it easy to start talking.  Since you don't know
anything about the other person, you can pick something to talk about
from your immediate situation. In a class, for instance, you might ask
someone if they are studying for the final or something along those
lines. It is OK to ask a question you already know the answer to, like
'nice day?', but only if you act interested in the answer to the
question. You don't have to convince the other person that that you
asked the question for any other reason than to start a conversation.

You may want to comment on the question you just asked, or the other
person's answer (yes, it is a nice day). Then you should have a second
question ready (after this point, you can just improvise). This should
be an open-ended question to get the other person to talk some more.
You can think this one up better than I can, but something like 
'what do you think about professor X'.

If you are ready with a smile and two questions, it should be easier
to tackle what is almost always the hardest part, the time between
when you make eye contact and the time you open your mouth.

Generally, you want to ask most of the questions, while she does most
of the talking, but don't be dogmatic about this. People love to talk
about themselves, so good questions allow them to talk about themselves
without being pointed (what made you decide to become a French major?). 
After the first few questions, you should have won some trust from the
other person, and then you ask all those cliche questions, like 
'where were you born', if you can't think of anything better.

Once the conversation gets rolling, or at least by the end of it, 
make sure to introduce yourself (Oh, by the way, I'm Michael. And you
are...?). That way you can call her by name next time you talk to
her. People love to be called by their name, so if you want to 
make a good impression, address the person by name as many times
as you can without having seem forced. Also, if you can remember
their name the next time you see them, they will be impressed and
flattered. 

If I have to walk up to someone, usually I will introduce myself first.
This seems natural and gives me a second to think of something to say.

If the girl does not respond well to your questions, don't feel too
bad.  Be a good sport, and leave without rushing or losing the friendly
manner.  Some people take more time to warm up, and others just aren't
worth the trouble. Try being friendly the next time, and see if you still
getting a cold reception. Often, the other person will be much more
friendly the second time around.

This is not really in your question, but if you talk to this girl at
least once in this class, you will have a perfect opener to talk to her
when you run into her in the future. (Don't I know you from X? Wasn't
that class great/awful? What are you doing this term? etc.). I mention
this because one thing you want to avoid in a conversation like this is
to look like you are in a rush. Try to avoid feeling like you
absolutely must get her name or number or whatever this time.

I think it is usually better to get the girl's phone number than ask her
out on the spot. This slows down the process, which makes it less threating
for her. Make some vague suggestion ('would you like to get together some 
time') and if she says something positive, ask for her phone number. I make
sure I give her my name and number. Rarely do I get called up for a first 
date, but it gives her the impression I am not a flake and also makes it
harder for me to chicken out of calling her. Also, after the first date
she may feel freer about calling me up to suggest possible dates even if she
doesn't feel like doing the asking.


Hope this helps,
Michael.