From: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: lights off
Date: 23 Jul 92 16:12:39 GMT
Reply-To: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)


From alwan573@Armstrong.EDU Wed Jul 22 19:17:37 1992
Received: from pirates.Armstrong.EDU by cwns16.INS.CWRU.Edu with SMTP (5.65b+ida+/CWRU-1.5-freenet)
	id AA09794; Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:17:37 -0400 (from alwan573@Armstrong.EDU for /usr/local/bin/m2mbox /u/98/bu850/mbox)
Received: by pirates.Armstrong.EDU (4.1/SMI-4.1)
	id AA18024; Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:16:45 EDT
From: alwan573@Armstrong.EDU (KARLA MARIE alwan)
Message-Id: <9207222316.AA18024@pirates.Armstrong.EDU>
Subject: lights
To: bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 19:16:44 EDT
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]



[Some, not so pleasant things, to follow --- mild spoiler?]

Something strange  has been happening off and on for
the last few months (maybe close to a year).   It only
recently occured to me that it could be some kind of memory.
Sometimes at night, when I go to turn the lights off (come to
think of it, I got similar feeling when I was 13, a few
months after I was raped, then they stopped).  I get this
feeling that someone is standing in front of me, squeezing me, like 
they are trying to hold me close.  But I want to get away, but I
can't.  And the only way to get rid of this person is to turn
the lights on.  Sometimes I have to sleep with the bathroom light on,
because everytime I turn the light off, someone is up
close to me again.

The similar feeling that I had when I was 13, wasn't really associated
with darkness.   It just had to do with feeling like the man that
raped me, whas there in the room with me.  Watching me, trying
to touch me.  I had to leave my room, and get around other
people to make him go away.  Gawd those were terrbile days.  Everyday
almost I thought back to the day before and wandered if I had thought
about IT.  I just hoped for a few days to go by that I wouldn't
think about it.  I remember being very happy the first time I
realized that "yesterday" I didn't think about it.  I wanted to
forget...  And amazingly enough, I forgot a lot.  A lot more
than I thought I would.

Anyway, I am just rambling here...  I think the point was supposed
to be that I don't understand why I get this feeling at night..
It feels like someone is there with me.  Yet I don't remember being
abused in such a way that would encourage such a memory.

The only thing I can think of is what happend when I was a 9 month old
baby.  I was strapped to a toilet seat and beaten until I used the
bathroom.  My therapist suggests that this person could
have done more than just beat me.  I hope not.

Anyway, I don't want to remember more abuse than I already know.
It's hard enough dealing with being raped at 12.  The last thing I need
is sexual abuse before I could even walk.

ughhhh...

*sigh*

Thanks for listening...

-Karla 

-- 
|alwan573@pirates.armstrong.edu   <=== USE THIS ONE!          
|Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
|ng548@dsom_op.pnl.gov                       |
|bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery