HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I want to hurt myself
Date: 15 Apr 92 01:01:06 GMT
Organization: UB

gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl) writes:

>In article <1992Apr9.183019.1240@bvc.edu>, Erin Sue writes:
>> 
>> I am in a self-destructive mood today. I want to hurt myself. I am not sure 
>> why, though.
>> 
>> I wish someone would hold me in there arms and comfort me. There's no one 
>> here to do that. I'm going crazy!

	Well ... This is easier to do if you're a woman than a man, but
it works for both if done properly.  Go up to someone of the complementary
gender in a semi-public place, make puppy eyes, and ask, in a very small
voice, "Can I have a hug?"  It helps if you *know* the person, of course.
Great big six-foot tall guys are also likely to scare off people with this
technique, but such are the breaks....

	If you have *any* friends who can deal with hugging you, just ask
them.  Sometimes it's enough to just walk to about a foot away from them
and open your arms, and they'll hug you.

Luck
Rick
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: v130py5w@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: re sex/power
Summary: why change name
Keywords: name change, ashamed
Date: 7 Apr 92 13:47:00 GMT
Distribution: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,local
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <rethay.46@rn1.nursing.arizona.edu>, rethay@rn1.nursing.arizona.edu (Retha Yarbrough) writes...
>V130py5w@ubv.msd.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE) answered Erin Sue's post regarding 
>never, never, never, never, etc. have sex with a young child (under 7 
>years) by saying he/she had changed their name slightly so people wouldn't 
>know they posted in here.  I wouldn't change my name, I have nothing to 
>hide, I was molested by my dad and since I refuse to not talk about it and 
>to not hide it, my healing has improved 100%.  By hiding my name I feel I 
>would be hindering my recovery and letting people think I was ashamed.  I'll 
>always use my own name.

Well after a few e-mails telling not to worry about hiding i've decided you are
right. I'm me again good old ReNeE i don't care who knows i post here!!
ReNeE
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar.320@wpi.wpi.edu  
Subject:  APS-Name: rubber duck
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 00:58:56 GMT

Hello.  This screen is very blank and I am having trouble filling it because
there are both too many and too few things to say.  A friend pointed me toward
this group, so here I am.  I am not sure exactly what I want to say (or what
I should say), except that I was sexually assaulted two months ago and I
have some questions still that I hope someone reading this can help with.
 Also, I just wanted to say that I think this dialogue (from what I have
read of it) is wonderful, and I think that more people should be having it.

I am having trouble with my body.  (this is probably not news to any of you)
 When it first happened, I had no sexual impulses for a long time (what's
a long time?)  But now, I am starting to feel them again, except I don't
want them.  I felt much safer without them.  Has anyone felt this way?  How
do I get past this?

Also, I want to know what I can do that is productive with all of the anger
I have recently begun to feel.  I have moments when I HATE one of my best
friends just (I think) because he is male and therefore part of the "problem".
 Other times, I just want to scream and throw things, or to physically hurt
someone or something that can feel pain.  Help!  I am not like this (well,
I guess I am) at least - I didn't think I was capable of feeling such "irrational"
and objectless anger, and it scares me.

I know that I am a survivor, and that I will be "OK" in the long run.  Truth
be told, I am really OK now (whatever that means).  It just backs up on me
sometimes, and I need to integrate it into my life in a way that I make something
grow from it which is positive - for that is the ultimate revenge.

You are all strong people for being able and willing to talk out in public
about what you have gone through.  (so am I, then, I guess)   It is good
to know that I am not alone

Thanks for any help you can offer.


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar.181@wpi.wpi.edu  
Subject:   Anniversaries and such
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 11:00:12 GMT

  Hi again all.  It's been a little while since I posted.  Well it has been
a year since I saw my main perp face to face.  The urge to talk to him is
still there, but I have been fighting it.
  That is a good anniversary in ways (the fact that it has been a year)
it is also coming up on a year ago that I was assaulted in my dorm room.
It's hard having the old feelings coming up.  Sometimes I can just be sitting
in my living room with my husband and he'll ask what's wrong.  I usually
tell him that it's nothing or I'm not sure.  I guess I just don't want
to hurt him with the old feelings, because it was 2 weeks before he and
I got married that this had happened.

  I'm also feeling kind of angry at my therapist because for some reason
I get the feeling that she would like me to put my healing on a back burner
just because I'll be a new mom soon.  She has already discussed having
family therapy sessions from the time the baby is born more then once
a month.  Right now it's 1 time a month that my husband and I have a session
with her.  She's away this week so I won't see her until next week.
Then she's gone again for 2 weeks or so in May (she's attending seminars).
  Has anyone else had this experience??  I would appareciate ANY feedback
on this subject.

  Oh yeah it looks like my mom (and only my mom at the moment) is
going to come up and visit my husband me and the baby in late August.
Shit I can deal with her when my dad is around but not on a one
to one basis.  I told her that I had gotten a good deal for her
on Delta airlines that would allow my dad to come too.  She tells me
"I'll think about it"  She lives in NY and we live in Alaska
so she feels it's too expensive to fly out here to see her only Grandchild
(still unborn at the moment) and her only Son-in-law.  Yet she and my
dad can take 2 cruises in a span of a month and a half!!!!!!!!!
Then drive down to North Carolina for a week spening it in a rented Condo!!!
  Dammit mom why do *I* have to go on the back burner.  Shit the damn dog
get's more damn attention then I do or ever did for that matter!!!!!!
  Shit now I probably won't be able to get to sleep or if I do I'll
end up having nightmares or something!!!
  Oh well this is enough for now.
PLEASE RESPOND I need the feedback.  I have felt ignored on my last
several posts.  Only a few people responded to them.
  Anyways,
  *HUGS* to those needing them I know I could use them right now
Shit the tears are starting I better stop for now
Jay

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From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: Overt paedophilia IS sexual abuse (Re: sex/power)
Date: 8 Apr 92 20:35:46 GMT
Organization: NIST

In a previous article, fay@dolomite.WPI.EDU (Peter R Fay) wrote:
>I am a survivor and am quite aware of how destructive shame can be to
>those who "take on" other's shame... by the way, if survivors take on
>other's shame, who do you suppose is the one who gets not to feel
>shame?  Perpetrators.  

This is a silly statement if I ever heard one.  Like, here's 1 kg of shame.
Well, if the victim has shame, there can't be any left for the perp, so
therefore I conclude he can't have any.  Silly, silly, silly.

This procedure reminds me of what is done to homosexuals.  They are given 
aversion treatments (shocked with electrical probes, beaten, berated, etc.)
This does not work.

People who commit sexual abuse are sick.  They have a disease.  The disease
must be treated, not forced away into some netherworld where it'll
just come bubbling back up to the surface.  The abuser must be made to
deal with his illness.  Causing an alcoholic or drug addict to feel shame
over their behavior does not in any way help them stop abusing alcohol or
drugs.  Causing a perpetrator to feel shame over his/her behavior is likely
to have the same effect.

One cannot be shamed into changing behavior.  The disease must be treated,
not beaten underground.  If the disease is beaten underground, that's
exactly where the behavior will go, and the abuser will keep on abusing.

                                                                        ____
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \  /
     April 4, 1992  Marjorie Stoneman Douglas' 102nd birthday            \/
      I'll probably see her out dancing.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: asar.321@wpi.wpi.edu (Uffah) 
Subject:  my first post
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 13:11:05 GMT

APS-name: Uffah

This is my first post, though I post regularly in the recovery mailing list
under my first name. I guess I want to post here because its more interactive
and closer to real-time. But enough of that. 

I've lurked for awhile, but hesitated to post because of the flame war that
has gone on in the recent past. It also seems like it wasn't safe to admit
to a belief in God. But I'm going to chance it anyways. 

I carry around alot of shame over both my abuse and over the fact that I'm
a transsexual. My perp (foster father) used my transsexualism as a means 
of control over me, as well as exploiting it in ways that I'm not yet ready
to get into yet. My foster mother was also a perp, but hers was raping my
mind. I feel isolated, though I do have good friends. I have a problem with
self-hate, which culminated this weekend with my cutting my left arm four
times. 

It is scary posting to an unmoderated group, and I'm feeling vulnerable
right now.





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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Subject: I can't belive I'm posting this...
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 21:37:14 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Distribution: usa

Hi everybody!

For some strange reason, it's been very difficult to actually
sit down and type this in, and to respond to the wonderful
e-mail I received ("Should I Post Anonymously?").  I felt very
welcomed and happy, except for one small part of myself that
wants to go hide in a corner.  :-(

I decided to go ahead and post, because it's very important to
my healing that I do so.  I spent too many years not talking and
hiding and pretending everything was all right when *nothing*
was all right.  My parents would disown me if they knew I was 
posting this, because the earliest rule that they drilled into
my head was "never talk about anything, to anyone".  Especially
family stuff.  And I know now that their rule is wrong.  I need
to talk, to be myself openly.  Their message was basically "Never
let anyone know who you are, because you're no good".  And that's 
not true.

I don't know if I was physically sexually abused or not.  I have
no memory of anything like that having happened.  But I do know
I was emotionally abused.  I can remember being shouted at by
my parents, and while I don't remember if they ever hit me, I know
I was constantly afraid they were about to.  I found out a few
months ago that my father had a drinking problem while I was 
growing up, and all of a sudden I remembered so many times that he
had been shouting at me irrationally, out of control.  I realized
he must have been drinking, and I hadn't known it.  But it frightened
me badly.

All my life I've been in charge of making my dad feel better, cheering
him up, being supportive, giving him love.  But I felt lonely and
abandoned.  I've been reading about this "surrogate spouse" stuff,
and that's basically what happened to me.  My dad made me feel like
I was the important person in his life, not my mother.  I fell for 
the old "my wife doesn't understand me" line.  All my life I thought
I loved my father, and now I just feel used.  Plus I feel guilty over
being angry at him, or at least my inner child does.  But I also feel
like I don't want anything to do with him.

I've got most of the signs of abuse; addictions, eating disorders,
codependency.  I've been in recovery for seven years now, and I think
I'm finally starting to get a little better.  Just being able to post
this feels like a major step to me.  One of my defenses is to pretend 
that I'm all better, though, so I have to be careful.  

I've re-read this and it sounds awfully dispassionate and cerebral.
This means I'm scared.  I get like that when I'm scared.  I can't
believe I'm actually going to post this...  I will probably fall 
apart as soon as this hits the Net.  I'm going to do it anyway.  
I can't believe I'm actually announcing "My Parents Are Not Perfect".
I feel so alone...  i'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscared..


-- 
Enigma (enigma@netcom.com)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: self esteem and being ok for me
Date: 16 Apr 92 17:41:53 GMT
Organization: NIST

In a previous article, gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl) wrote:
>YOU! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! You are the one
>who deserves your loyalty and protection, not them. You have no duty, none,
>zip, nada, nil, no obligation whatsoever to protect these people. You are
>not stupid; you are brave for asking yourself some tough questions. Give
>yourself the respect you deserve!

Wow!  Black Pearl, the only thing that came to mind was to compare this to
how you felt when you first showed up here.  You're really doing a great
job.  Congratulations!

                                                                        __
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \/
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: I want to hurt myself
Date: 9 Apr 92 18:30:18 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

I am in a self-destructive mood today. I want to hurt myself. I am not sure 
why, though.

I wish someone would hold me in there arms and comfort me. There's no one 
here to do that. I'm going crazy!

Erin Sue
From: bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney)
Subject: Re: Yield and overcome
Organization: Reed College, Portland OR
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 17:06:47 GMT

In article <1377@bsu-cs.bsu.edu> chrislyn@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Tracey L. Stanchfield) writes:
>robert...
>thank you for the Tao Te Ching  translation.... I don't quite know if
>I agree with the sense of passivity I get from it.. but I too really
>like the part about feeling destroyed & being about to grow.
>
>take care,
>tracey

Tracey -
     Thanks for the response.  One of my early problems with Taoist concepts
was they sounded passive to me too.  It's taken me some time to realize that
yielding can also be active.  Yielding to my hearts desire.  Something I've
been doing lately is adding the word "control", so it reads "Yield control
and overcome".  Because control is just an illusion.  I am never really "in
control" of anything.  Can I control anyone?  No, it takes a willingness on
another person's part to be controlled.  And control for me (as I suspect
for most survivors) is a pretty major issue.  For me, it's been an all-or-
nothing concept.  If I am not in control, I am out of control.  Getting past
that and recognising life is uncertain at best has helped me recently.
Gosh, how did I get off on that tangent? :-)
     Anyway, I think of "yield and overcome" to mean more along the lines
of not struggling.  At least when it comes to my process, when I struggle
with an issue, it struggles back.  And since that struggle is inside of me,
I feel absolutely nuts!  When I let go, the problem usually sorts itself
out.  That seems true for me in regular life issues.  I think a lot of the
struggle is a control issue for me (Ahh, that's where it ties in!)
     I think part of the problem with "yield and overcome" is that it's an
attempt at a translation from Chinese, which is next to impossible to do.
There's so many images you can use in the translation that it's tough to
get all the possibilties across in a simple translation.  Another
translation reads "soften to know".  Which sounds completely different,
but is actually quite similar.  It helped when I read this because it
says to me "Don't be rigid in my beliefs and I will understand easier".
And also be open to different interpretations.  I think this has helped
me in my healing process.  To be open about the possibilities of why I
behave as I do.
     Yow, this ended up longer than I expected.  Oh, well.  It's been
useful for me anyway.  Hope it is for you too.

     Take care,
     Robert


-- 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Ankeney                 | "Yield and overcome.                |
...!tektronix!reed!bob         |  Bend and be straight.              |
...!tektronix!bob@reed.EDU     |  Empty and be full."    - Lao Tzu   |
From: chrislyn@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Tracey L. Stanchfield)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Yield and overcome
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:02:52 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-cs.1377
Organization: Dept of CS Ball State University Muncie In

robert...
thank you for the Tao Te Ching  translation.... I don't quite know if
I agree with the sense of passivity I get from it.. but I too really
like the part about feeling destroyed & being about to grow.

take care,
tracey
From: chrislyn@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Tracey L. Stanchfield)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Inner Child
Date: 16 Apr 92 21:23:07 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-cs.1432
Organization: Dept of CS Ball State University Muncie In


Kat--
John Light wrote a good posting on how the inner child is more of a metaphor
than an actual alternate personality... I saved it but have already 
downloaded it.. anyone else have it?

If not-- I could prob upload it & repost... if someone helps me out.

tracey
From: chrislyn@bsu-cs.bsu.edu (Tracey L. Stanchfield)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: going home...
Date: 13 Apr 92 16:02:06 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-cs.1336
Reply-To: chrislyn@neumann.UUCP (Tracey L. Stanchfield)
Organization: Ball State University Computer Science Dept.


Aargh. Last Saturday was not fun. I had to go home to pick up some stuff 
( am living at school this summmer.. thank god!) & asked my So to take me
1) cause i don't drive & 2) cause I wanted some support. 

Things went ok at first. talking & joking w/ my mom etc.. but then my father 
came in ( my perp) He gave me a hug & kiss on the cheek--I didn't respond.
 Right at that moment, I knew my SO wanted to leave. ( so did I , but not
quite as badly)My father asked if we wanted to go out to eat w/ them.. 
I said we had some stuff to take care of that afternoon & couldn't stay. 
We left soon after that.. my SO's knuckles were white as he clutched the 
steering wheel while we drove away.

It was the first time my SO had been around my father since I told him (my
SO) the whole truth about my abuse. He took it pretty well, at least while
we were there.. but then was pretty shaken up for the rest of the afternoon.
( I had spent a couple of days at home over Spring Break, but he wasn't
with me) We didn't talk much about it until Sun night.... my mom called &
asked if I was upset or mad at them... I begged off by explaining that it
was the end of the semester etc etc. (Jeez-- one thing I learned really
well from my abuse was how to lie on a moment's notice & keep the lie going..)
My So & I talked a litle afterwards-- he told me how uncomfortable he had 
felt & how proud he was of me being able to handle it all so well (Yeah--
like I had a choice) He also felt badly about my mom-- because he likes her
a lot & he thought he'd not been very friendly either. 

The more I think about it, the more it tears me up-- because I'm to the 
point where I cannot be anything more that civil to my father... and I
am not ready to confront. Correction--I think I am ready to confront _HIM_
but not deal with the repercussions as far as the rest of the family 
(extended included) is involved.

How have others of you dealt with this situation? Stayed away entirely? 
Come right out & explained what was going on & let the mess straighten
itself out?

Comments greatly appreciated...

tracey
From: johnl@yang.earlham.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: nightmares
Date: 4 Apr 92 18:31:26 GMT
Organization: Earlham College, Richmond, Indiana

In article <1992Apr1.205737.4657@news.iastate.edu>, twnv6@isuvax.iastate.edu writes:
> .......................................................but I was told that
> since I am conciously dealing with this that I shouldn't be having these
> nightmares.  So, why am I then??

	I doubt I'll be the only one to say this, but whoever told you 
that is spouting nonsense.  For some folks, nightmares become more common 
as they actively begin to heal, simply because what happened to them 
becomes more consciously present.  
	One of a great many really unfair things about being a survivor is 
that in some ways, you hurt even more when you actively begin to heal.  
It's kind of like pulling a three-inch-long splinter out of your foot.  It 
hurt a lot already, but when you start to remove it, the pain becomes 
excrutiating.  The good news is, it doesn't hurt like that forever.  I 
promise. 
	It sounds like you're doing fine.  This may sound a bit weird, but 
don't worry about having nightmares.  I mean, don't think (1) you're doing 
something wrong or (2) that you're not healing because you're still having 
them.  (1) You aren't, and (2) you are. :-)
	In the meantime, are there things you can do to make yourself feel 
more safe when you sleep?  A nightlight?  Favorite stuffed animal?  Listen 
to this, and treat yourself nicely enough to respect whatever needs you 
find.  You deserve it.
  
>.................................The second problem is, the people that now
> know, want me to talk to a professional councilor.  I've told them that I don't
> want to put that much trust into a complete stranger, but they keep trying to
> get me to go any way.  How can I explain to them that _I_ have to decide when
> the right time is for everything, without losing their support?  

	You just said it right there.  _You_ have to decide when the right 
time is for everything.  You have a right to that control over your life.  
Recognizing that and claining it is a part of healing.  If they're really 
supportive (and I suspect they are -- just overly-parental, which they 
should quit), they'll understand.

> ..............E-hugs to all who want or need them.

	Thanks.  I'll take all I can get.  One for you, too, if you want 
it.  Kind thoughts and words, if not. 
> pj
--John F-L