From: dleslie@phakt.usc.edu (David Leslie)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: deep thoughts
Date: 22 Dec 1992 17:03:47 -0800
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
NNTP-Posting-Host: phakt.usc.edu


				Deep Thoughts
				by
				Jack Handey
---
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures.  They're sort 
of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd 
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.  
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 
swimming.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 
is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.  
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I 
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and 
how I named him Flint.

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town, 
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.  But we 
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he 
picked up in town.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her 
dinner tasted like.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked 
dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong, though.  
It's Hambone.

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my 
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, 
but I think that deep down he  thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started 
to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it 
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her 
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - 
just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is 
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.  It's a shark riding on an 
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to 
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.  I 
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive 
and drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees 
there.  The smell of something  was strong in the air as we played whatever 
sport we played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat 
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.  I guess some things 
never leave you.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he made 
a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she 
disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, 
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what 
is that thing.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the 
students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, we build to that.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right 
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself 
down.  I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.  When the 
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that 
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who makes 
people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head 
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We 
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look 
like a deer.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kind of scary.  I've wondered 
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, 
and a clown killed my dad.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.  
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's 
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking 
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at them 
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a 
solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and 
the dancers hit each other.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they 
ever press charges.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, 
is the story of Popeye.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming 
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.  Brave man, I guess I am a 
coward.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came 
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea 
to say, "I swallowed it.  So sue me."

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap can bite and 
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they 
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when 
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I guess we were all guilty, in a way.  We all shot him, we all skinned him, 
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't 
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 
"Mankind".  Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".  
What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 
several of us died of tuberculosis.


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|     \\\///      |        --        | Meu    | dleslie@usc.edu      |
 \     \XX/ A1000 |     Go Kings!    | Lar!   |                     /
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