From: NETOPRSS@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu
Subject: Laughter Break!
Organization: North Carolina State University
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 14:29:41 GMT

This is something I'm posting up where I think people will find it
interesting. On jokes, on history, and on US culture.  This is a
compilation of actual bloopers. I did not accumulate this list,
rather acquired it and posted it here for your laughs and your
sorrow.
 
         THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
 
One of the fringe benefeits of being an English or a History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in
an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the
world-certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
throught the US...from eigth grade through college leve. Read
carefully and you will learn a lot.
 
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah dessert and traveled by CAMELOT. The limate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitant had to live elsewhere, so certain areas
of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The egyptians built
the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The pyramids
are a range of mountains between Spain and France.
 
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
the Bible, Guinnesse, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, on mount Montezuma.  Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought his twelve sons up to be patriarchs, but they did not
take to it.  One of jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.
 
Pharoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made with no ingredients.  Afterwards, moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.  David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the phiattelists a race of
people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons,
had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
 
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also
had myths. A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother
of achilles dipped him in the River of Stynx until he became
intollerable.  Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually Homer was not written by
Homer but by another mad of that name.
 
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
 
In the olympic games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the Biscuits,
and threw java. The rewardto the victor was a coral wreath.  THe
government of Athens was Democratic because people took the law
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were to high to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they gought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
 
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
romans because they never stayed in one place very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garli in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to become
king.  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.
 
Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, KIng Harold exposed his troops
before the battle of hasting, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
 
In the Midevil times most of the people were allieterate. The
greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
 
The Renaissance was an age in whish more individuals felt the value
of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
at Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences.  He died a horrible
death being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter
Donateelo;s interest in the female nude that made him the father of
Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented the cigarette. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumsized the world with a hundred foot clipper.
 
The government of Englad was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
Elizabeth was the "virgin queen". As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"HURRAH!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.
 
The greatest writer of REnaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of
hisplays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies, and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous
plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
soliloquy. In another, Lady MacBeth to kill the king by attacking
his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are another example of a heroic
couplet.  Writing at the same time as shakepear was Miguel
Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
mIlton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
 
During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while curing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
Fe.  LAter, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the INdians, who came down the hill rolling their war
hopps before them.  The Indian Squabs carried porpoises on their
backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was
a hard one for the settlers, Many pelple died and many babies were
born. Captain John Smith was responsibe for all this.
 
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the ENglish put
tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the war, the redcoats and
Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were
barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, the colonists won
the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
 
Delegates from the Thirteen Colonies formed the Continented
Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two signers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone
to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of
bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared, " A horse divided against itself cannot
stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
 
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in dur time became
Father of our Country. Then the Consitution of the US was adopted
to secure domestic hostility. Under the Consitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
 
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands.  When Lincoln was President, we wore only
a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength" Abraham
Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. And the
fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clu
Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent
victims. It claimed it represented law and odor.  On the night of
April 16, 1865 Lncolm went to the theater and got shot in his seat
by on eof the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wiles Booth. A supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.
 
Meanwhile in Europe, the ENlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
 
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music
even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died fro this.
 
France was in a very serious state. The Frech Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The mareilaisse was the theme song
for the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During
the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
their shoes. The Spanish Gorillas came fown from teh hills and
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she couldn't
bear children.
 
The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was
the Longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclinging
years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign."