From: block@ief.itg.ti.com (Bucky Block)
Subject: Funny story (It true, honest :-) )
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 18:45:06 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: IEF Development, Texas Instruments Inc., Plano Texas.
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by a user at Texas Instruments Inc.
              The opinions expressed within are those of the user and not
              necessarily those of Texas Instruments.
                                                     

I found this on the net a few years ago and thought some of 
you might get a kick out of it..


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Federal Aviation Administration,
Washington, D.C.

Gentlemen:

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that
occurred yesterday.  First  of all,  I  would like to  thank that very
nice  FAA man  who  took  my student pilot's   license  and told  me I
wouldn't need it any more. I guess that  means  that your're giving me
my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that  fellow though,
after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous  and his hand was
shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had  been kind of bad since  last week, when I soloed. But
on   the day in  question I  was not   about  to  let low ceilings and
visibility  and  a slight  freezing  drizzle,  deter  me  from another
exciting experience  at the  controls of   an  airplane. I  was pretty
proud of my accomplishment, and I  had  invited my neighbor to go with
me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where
I  knew of  an excellent restaurant that  served  absolutely wonderful
charbroiled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the  way  to the airport my neighbor  was a  little concerned about
the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis
that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the  freezing drizzle had stopped, as I
already  knew from my  ground  school meteorology it would. There were
only a few snowflakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it
was  solid IFR.   I was delighted.   But when  I  talked  to the local
operator I found out  that my  regular airplane, a  Piper J-3 Cub. was
down for  repairs.  You could  imagine my  disappointment. Just then a
friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane,
which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier  to fly.
I think that he called  it an Aztec  C, also made  by Piper. It didn't
have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry.
Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We  climbed in and  I began  looking for an  ignition  switch.  Now, I
don't want to get anyone on trouble, but it  shouldn't be necessary to
get  the airplane manual  just to  find out how to  start an airplane.
That's ridiculous. I  never saw so  many dials and  needles and knobs,
handles and  switches.  As we both   know,   confidentially, they have
simplified this in the J-3 Cub. I forgot to  mention that I did file a
flight  plan, and those people  were so nice.  When I told  them I was
flying  an Aztec  they  said it  was all  right   to   go   direct via
Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a
lot of credit. They told me  a lot of  other things too, but everybody
has problems with red tape.

The take-off was  one  of my best  and I  carefully  left the  pattern
just the way the book says it should be done.  The tower operator told
me to contact Departure Control  Radar but that  seemed kind of  silly
since I knew where I was going.  There  must have  been  some  kind of
emergency because, all  of a  sudden,  a lot  of airline  pilots began
yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off
the  radio.  You'd think  that  those  professionals would  be  better
trained. Anyway, I climbed up into  a few  little flat clouds, cumulus
type, at three hundred feet,  but Highway 435  was right under me and,
since I knew it was straight east to the town  where  we were going to
have  drinks and dinner,  I just went  on up into the  solid overcast.
After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it  was a waste  of time
to  watch the  ground.  This was a   bad thing  to do,  I realized. My
neighbor   undoubtedly wanted to  see  the   scenery, especially   the
mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime
and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was  pretty smooth flying  and,  except for the  ice that seemed to
be forming here and there, especially  on the windshield, there wasn't
much to see. I will only say that I handled  the controls quite easily
for a pilot with only six hours.  My  computer and pencils fell out of
my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon  sometime occur I
am told. I don't expect you to believe this,  but  my pocket watch was
standing straight up on its chain.  That was pretty  funny and I asked
my neighbor to look but he just kept staring straight ahead  with sort
of a glassy look in his eyes and  I figured that he  was afraid of the
height like all non-pilots are. By  the way, something was  wrong with
the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided  we  had flown  about long  enough to be   where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the computer.  I am a whiz at
that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I
came down to look for  the airport there wasn't anything  there except
mountains. These weather people sure had  been wrong, too. It was real
marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just
can't trust anybody  in  this business   except yourself, right?  Why,
there were even thunderstorms  going   on with  occasional  bolts   of
lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how  beautiful it was
and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but  I guess he was
asleep, having gotten over his fear  of height,  and I  didn't want to
wake him up. Anyway just then an emergency occurred because the engine
quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I
knew right where  the other ignition switch was.  I just fired  up the
other engine and we kept right on going.  This  business of having two
engines  is really a safety  factor. If one  quits the  other is right
there ready  to  go. Maybe all  airplanes should have two engines. You
might look into this.

As pilot  in command, I take  my  responsibilities very  seriously. It
was apparent that I would  have to go down lower  and keep a sharp eye
in such bad weather. I was glad my  neighbor was asleep because it was
pretty dark under the clouds and  if  it hadn't been for the lightning
flashes  it  would have been  hard to navigate.  Also,  it was hard to
read road signs through the  ice  on the  windshield. Several cars ran
off the road when we passed and you can sure see  what they mean about
flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short,  I finally  spotted an airport that I knew
right away was pretty close to town and,  since  we  were already late
for  cocktails  and dinner, I decided  to  land there.  It was and Air
Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a
lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I  knew that we
were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these
military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it
but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought
to be straightened out by somebody and I  would like  to complain as a
taxpayer. Evidently, they were expecting somebody  to come in and land
because they kept talking about some  goddamn-stupid-son-of-a-bitch up
in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on  the ramp to be out
of the way  in case that  other fellow  needed  the  runway. A  lot of
people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident  that they
had never seen an  Aztec C before. One  fellow,   some general with  a
pretty nasty temper, was real mad about  something. I tried to explain
to him in a reasonable manner  that I didn't  think the tower operator
should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was  so red that
I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a  bus back  home because the weather
got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a
statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow,  he must have
the flu, or something.

Let  me know if  you   need   anything else, and  please  send me  new
license airmail, special delivery.

					Very, truly yours,
				< deleted to protect the guilty> 
 








-- 

Bucky Block                         |     block@ief.itg.ti.com
IEF Development                     |     TIMSG: BLOC
Texas Instruments, Plano Texas      |     (214) 575-4732
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.student