From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: The Relkie Problem?
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 11:13:51 GMT

I have a feeling that what's been going on in this group lately has
been _exactly_ like what happens in a dysfunctional family when a 
member reports abuse--it looks to me as though some people are starting
to define Relkie as the problem/scapegoat. Sound familiar? 

I'm not sure what the best way to handle all this is--but I'm from
a dysfunctional family, too. My feeling is that we may need to slow
down and think/intuit something that's better than our usual approaches
to conflict.

I don't have an answer, but I think it might be worthwhile to acknowledge
that we're up against something new and difficult. This summer of Prisoner/
Relkie/psycho-kitten/Ed/Karla would have been hard for any group, let alone
one where people are trying to heal major psychological wounds.

Furthermore, a group of this kind is a new thing in the world--the net is
pretty new, and trying to have a healing group under these conditions of
delayed communication, publicity, and the mixture of anonymity, people
under their own names, and occasional personal contact is _really_ new.
We don't have a fund of experience on how such groups can work. Maybe
it's normal for such groups to alternate between major healing work
and fits of anger. (I don't know how old this group is--it was in full
swing when I joined--if anyone knows its history and how it's handled
conflicts in the past, I would definitely like to hear about it.) 

We don't have any "designated sane people" to stabilize things, either.

Part of what I think is making all this difficult is that it's one thing
to offer psychological support when other people's problems don't have
a direct impact on your life, and quite another, and more difficult one
when they do. 

I think that part of the solution may lie in finding ways to cut people
some slack without letting ourselves be abused. I've been playing with
the notion that, if you criticize someone for something they've posted,
it's important to acknowledge that they may have already heard five
or six different versions of what you're saying. (Other people's posts
may reach them before yours does, and they may have gotten email about
it as well.) 

I don't think that running a couple of moderately manipulative posts is
a major crime, though I'm not crazy about it. (I did feel somewhat manipu-
lated, but I also felt as though Relkie was going through enough that I
could offer the support I thought she was trying to get without hurting
myself. I still feel ok about it. (Other people might have lower tolerance
--I'm not complaining about that.)) 

I'm curious about what Bill has to say, and since I'll be gone for three
weeks, I'd be grateful if someone would post me a copy. Also, if there's
anything any of you want me to hear about this post, please email it--
maybe people will still be quoting all this when I'm back, but maybe
not.

So far as a sense of safety is concerned, I haven't wanted to post anything
extremely personal to this group since things have been blowing up here,
and, though there have been reasons in my own life (including that the
little brush with a memory that I had was so painful that I don't necess-
arily want to dive right in again), I think that the atmosphere isn't
one that encourages taking my barriers down really far. 

I've been wondering if there could be an administrative solution--one
group for strictly healing work, and a looser group for dealing with
everything else. 

I hope that this is of some use.

Have a good month,
Nancy Lebovitz

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery