From: scgos@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU (Sarah)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: partners
Date: 30 Jul 92 20:02:15 GMT

Karla M. Alwan writes:

In a previous article, anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian) says:

>>Yes, he is my lover and I have opened up communication a little with
>>him, i.e. he says he is alright if I need to talk about anything (he
>>says he will be comfortable with anything I feel I need to tell him).
>>In fact I have taken him at his word and risked talking about some
>>things and have even allowed myself to cry in front of him about a
>>couple of issues.  These times have been O.K.   Maybe it is just part
>>of the stage I am at -- not wanting to burden him with knowledge or
>>problems which in fact I am handling alright by myself.  I am aware,
>>too, that there is probably a lurking element of "having to be
>>perfect" in order to "deserve love" which makes me reticent.

>You have done better than I have.  I haven't cried in front
>of anyone for a very long time...  I think it has a lot
>to do with being afraid of concentrating on myself too much.
>I am afraid I won't listen enough.  I am afraid I will go on and
>on and won't stop.  This notion, is actually quite ludicrous:
>the thought of ME talking too much.  In fact I talk way
>too little...  ANYONE that knows me could tell you that...

>But for me, it has a lot to do with the fact that I always
>had to take care of my mom.  I never got to be taken care of.
>Therefore, I have a very hard time letting anyone else take care
>of me...   even in the slightest sense:  by just listening to
>me, or let me cry on their shoulder.

In my case its a combination of those and a few other things. I do feel I
have to be perfect to deserve love, and also I have a hard time letting
anyone take care of me- I should be able to do it myself, and I don't
deserve the effort anyway. I spent the past weekend with my partner, and I
think it was rather frustrating for both of us. He wants to know what's
going on in my life, and wants to help, and I have an extremely hard time
talking about it. I did cry on his shoulder, but only because I was crying
too hard to be able to hide it (I did hide a couple of other times.) But I
couldn't explain why I was crying. I don't want to shut him out, but I don't
know how to let him in. In some ways this is my first experience with
someone who isn't trying to manipulate me into anything. He wants to know
because he cares, and when he says I love you he means it, and isn't trying
to use that statement as a weapon. And it terrifies me. I can deal with
manipulation and control wars, but this is just so different. I don't feel I
deserve any of this, and I'm afraid talking will break the spell. And I'm
afraid not talking will also. I've never been good at sharing my emotions,
or even feeling them- how do I start??? Just being with him brings back
memories and emotions all the time, but I can't share them. 

>>Could it be that I am somehow trying to protect HIM from my abuse?

>Could be....  Or it could be that you don't feel you deserve
>to be listend to.  But you do!  It isn't your fault it happend...
>It isn't your fault you need to talk about it.  It is just the
>way it is.  You deserve to be listened to.  And anyone that
>cares for you will understand that...  But if you are trying
>to protect him, IMHO, in the end it won't be a good thing...
>Eventually you will need him to be a part of all that.  Without
>that how can he get really close to you, and how can he know
>you really well, if you don't let him in on a part of your
>life that has impacted you so much?...

Well said.

>It takes a very special person to be a partner to a survivor.
>But they are out there...  And we all deserve to find one (at
>least).

	I think I've found one, and I'm glad. But I don't know what to do 
with him. (I have this little picture in my head of everyone reading this
and thinking "She has a supportive partner who wants to help. So what's her
problem???" and wishing I would go away.) My whole life is confused right
now, and I want to run away from the only people who care precisely because
they do care and I'm scared. None of this makes any sense. Sigh.


Sarah
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery