From: sjk@strl.labs.tek.com (Steven King)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Screaming 18 MO
Date: 17 Nov 92 21:04:44 GMT
Reply-To: sjk@strl.labs.tek.com (Steven King)
Followup-To: misc.kds
Distribution: na
Organization: Software Technology Research Lab, Tektronix, Inc.

In article <BxvAML.2F7@news.cso.uiuc.edu>, magdi@uxh.cso.uiuc.edu (Magdi N Azer) writes:
|> 
|> 	We would appreciate some helpful hints regarding curbing screaming in
|> our 18 MO son.  Recently, when he doesn't get his way, he will scream for a few
|> seconds.  Part of the problem is that he is somewhat delayed in his speech 
|> (he is only saying a few words).  Part of this is attributed to incessant ear
|> infections prior to getting tubes in May.  We hav an audiologist appt in Dec.,
|> but returning to the orignal issue, what are some ways that you have handled
|> similar situations.

We tried to accomplish the following with our son (now 3yo) and daughter (just
hitting this stage at 15mo):

1) Let them know that screaming has no affect.  We wouldn't display anger,
   upsetedness, nothing.  In fact, we had to hid behind cupboard doors so
   the kids wouldn't see us laughing :^).

2) Let them know that you want to understand their needs.  Crouch down to
   their eye level.  Ask them what they want.  Tell them that you cannot
   understand them when they are screaming.  If they don't stop, tell them
   that you'll get them what they need when they have calmed down.

   Our now 3yo only had about three or four flop-and-scream attacks (none
   in public - yeah!) before he realized that he would not get what he
   wanted with the flop-and-scream method.  Whenever we told him that we
   couldn't understand he would _immediately_ start calming himself.  (I
   feel that the trust between us was of upmost importance here -- he
   knew we wanted to help him instead of simply disciplining him).

   Our 15mo is a little more difficult.  She has a big brother who talks
   for her, a mother who interprets for her, she has always been a good
   screamer, and we don't have as much time to wait for the end of each
   episode.  Once we buckled down and started to change our behavior, she
   figured out a new (non-screaming) way to get the message across to us.

3) If you can't give them what they want, offer an alternative.  Once you've
   acknowledged that they want something, 90% of the battle is over.  If
   you have a rational explanation of _why_ you can't do what they want,
   followed by a couple of alternatives (crayons, read a book, ride the
   car, etc) they will understand that you are concerned and accept the
   alternative.  Every once in a while they will insist upon the original
   request, at which time you repeat the explanation.

4) Before you have to discipline, try distraction.  Tickling is a good one.
   If we tell our 3yo that we "think we see a smile" when he is pouting,
   he will often break out into a grin an laugh.  If we play peek-a-boo with
   their belly-buttons or a favorite toy or blanket, this will often work.
   Threatening funny things, like "I'm going to ride on your bike!" in a
   funny voice will work, as well.

5) If you do discipline, make sure you've exhausted all alternatives.  Be
   sure to explain one more time why you cannot grant their wishes and why
   they are being disciplined.  They will accept a timeout without damaging
   their self-esteem in this way.  (You know - punish the behavior, not the
   child.)

|> 	At the present time, he are using a time out chair.  We started this at
|> 15 MO and it was very effective in correcting him when he found it fun to hit.

They will change their behavior until they get what they want.  IHMO what
they usually want is for you to _listen_ to and _acknowledge_ their needs.
50% of the time our 3yo _wants_ something (instead of _needing_ something).
So, I listen and tell him "I understand that you want X, but we don't have
the time/it can't be done/etc.  How about we do play-doh/watch cartoons/
play on the swingset/etc?"

Remember: listen, acknowledge and deliver.  If you can't deliver exactly
what they want, offer an alternative.  99% of the time they will merrily
go about their business and/or accept your alternative.

|> 	Also, where can I get the FAQ list regarding discipline.

Just don't mention the s-word, OK?

Good luck!

Steven (sjk@strl.labs.tek.com)

"Sometimes if you have a cappuccino and then try again it will work OK."
(Dr. Brian Reid)  "Sometimes one cappuccino isn't enough." (Marcus Ranum)
"A double vanilla latte always works."  (Me)
From: ivy@hpscit.sc.hp.com (Ivy Griffiths)
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 18:33:29 GMT
Subject: Re: "New Mothers Room" in the workplace
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Santa Clara, CA