From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: HOW CAN I TELL?
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 01:22:53 GMT

In article <92203.182722U15479@uicvm.uic.edu> <U15479@uicvm.uic.edu> writes:

[story of guy falling for ex-girlfriend who now treats him like a good
 friend]

>   1.)  She is always complaining about men and how there are no good ones out
>        there.

Common practice, especially among men and women who are willing to put
more effort into preventing themselves from having a successful and
happy relationship than they would put into such a relationship.  Check
to see if she plays "why don't you?  Yes, but" in this context; if she
does, it's fairly likely that she would fight to keep from becoming
involved with a "good one."

>   2.)  Every time we do anything except visit (movies, dinner etc.) she brings
>        along a mutual friend.  (This may just be because our friend lives by
>        herself and is a little lonely)

Though not always, this is usually a sign that she wants to keep things on
a friendship basis.  Even if she's not set in that regard, it suggests that
she doesn't actively want to change things from friendship to romance.

> So I need help in determing nonverbal ways that she may be telling me that she
> is interested in me.  And also just anything that could be a clue without her
>actually saying that she would like to get together.  This is driving me crazy
>because I have this problem all the time.

By and large, it's not a good idea to assume your interpretation of
nonverbal cues is correct unless you know her very well (and it sounds
like you don't know her well enough to make this judgment).  Sometimes
nonverbal cues can be fairly obvious--such as when she grabs you by 
your shirt, drags you onto the bed, and starts ripping off your 
clothing--but the degree of variation between individuals in this
respect is wide enough that what might indicate a seduction attempt
by one person might only correspond to "barely cordial" by someone
else.

If it's driving you crazy, then either 1) ask or 2) stop worrying about
it.  You don't have to come right out and ask bluntly--you can jokingly
suggest romantic or physical involvement when such a "joke" would be
nonthreatening; you can say something like, "if you ever want to get 
back together again, let me know"; you can try flirting a little more
seriously and see if she escalates it in return (and if the two of you
wind up in bed together, then you can consider that a nonverbal
indication of interest).  In particular, when she makes "there are no
good men out there" remarks, there should be ample opportunity for a
nonthreatening rejoinder.  ("Of course there aren't any good men out
there--I'm in here.")

Trygve
--
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