From: pratt@Sunburn.Stanford.EDU (Vaughan R. Pratt)
Subject: Particle Security Research Agenda
Organization: Computer Science Department,  Stanford University.
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 21:19:58 GMT

In article <abian.724213885@pv343f.vincent.iastate.edu> abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian) writes:
>
>   (A3)  says that the action of every object be it a particle, a planet,
>   a galaxy, a person, a nation, a bacteria, a virus, ... is governed by
>
>   
>   (A3)   TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY 

>    Every electron, every molecule, every object, every compound in a 
>physics or chemistry laboratory, every piece of machinery every matter
>animate or, the so-called, inanimate acts according to (A3).

Well, that explains a lot.  No wonder there's so much law and order in
physics.  That big shootout at the Big Bang must have prompted the
citizens to elect a sheriff and get those big bad bosons behind h-bars
where they belong.  There can't have been any strings around then or
those little rascals would have been strung up in half a Planck time
or around 2.695 x 10^-44 seconds.

I've lost track of where psychophysics has wandered off to, but
Professor Abian's (A3) should bring it nicely back on track with the
following research agenda.

1.  The most paranoid elementary particle known to science is the
peroton.  What other insecurities do particles exhibit?  The most
wanted particles are the top quark and the Higgs; are the rumors
correct that the top quark is the brains behind a particle ring run by
that heavy-handed Higgs boson?

2.  Are particles better off today than at the Big Bang?  Is global
cooling the serious concern now that it was back then or have red
shifts gone out of style?  Have we really reached ZPG as so recently
promised or are particle creations once again surging ahead of
annihilations?

3.  The atrocities at the CERN torture chambers are accelerating, and
are expected to result in spontaneous symmetry breaking leading to
outright revolution of all particles except the reactionary zero-spin
photons.  After Somalia, should the US intervene next in Bosnia or
Switzerland?

4.  Police brutality to photons shot from radar guns headlong into
speeding vehicles continues unabated.  Should citizen videos of these
incidents be permitted as evidence in court?  Could your conscience let
you sleep after witnessing a Rodney King style particle beating in
which an innocent motorist is drafted as an unwilling accessory?

5.  Should Penning trap owners be licensed?  How long may a particle be
kept in a Penning trap?  Should their care during imprisonment be
regulated?  Should particles released from such extended solitary
confinement be permitted to just wander off into the background
radiation or should rehabilitation be mandatory?

6.  Should particle insurers be subject to a no-fault provision in the
case of accidental annihilation of a particle by an anti-particle?
What penalty should apply in the case of willful annihilation?  Suicide
pacts are certainly not to be condoned, but what about euthanasia of
particles older than four half-lives?

7.  Should the FTC regulate advertising of products claimed to increase
the half-life of short-lifetime particles?  Does the EPA exercise
sufficient control over their decay products?  Should electrons file an
environmental impact statement before commencing tunnelling?

8.  Legislators seeking to justify the uniform speed limit for photons
maintain that the God-given value of 149896229/500 km/sec is perfectly
rational, but anyone with half a head for numbers or similar deformity
can see that it is set irrationally high.  What is the minimum
reduction of this limit in the neighborhood of the Milky Way sufficient
to turn travel within our galaxy from the terrifying gauntlet it is
today to the milk run that should have been our birthright?

9.  Does the following organization of the joint services make the best
use of their respective abilities?  The gravitational force maintains
general law and order and goes round singing "A Policeman's Lot is not
an 'Appy One" with a long face while keeping a worried eye on Comet
Swift-Tuttle.  (S-T is currently scheduled to take out the surviving
half of Windsor Castle on Thursday, July 11, 2126, not to mention those
of your great-great-great-grandchildren shortsighted enough not to have
been visiting Mars or Venus just then, both of which will be
conveniently out of harm's way on the other side of the solar system
that fateful afternoon.)

The electromagnetic force is armed to the oesophagus with brilliant
pebbles, which serve two purposes.  Normally these are stored in the
stomach to aid digestion.  In an attack they are regurgitated and
hurled at enemy lasers smashing them to bits while alternately laughing
maniacally and correctly spelling five-syllable words with a Texan
accent.  Then in a jaw-dropping display of a talent inherited from
their brilliant-boomerang ancestors they circle back in tight formation
to resume their digestive duties, continue work on their Ph.D. theses,
and get stoned on weekends.  Only time will tell whether they are
brilliant enough not to tangle with Swift-Tuttle.

The strong force takes over only in case the brilliant pebble supply
runs low, which we are promised with a straight face will not happen if
funding levels for the graduate education of our most brilliant pebbles
is doubled.  In peacetime the strong force goes on maneuvers at a safe
distance, observable in the clear night sky as the occasional
supernova.

The weak force works for the UN and moonlights on half-integer Naked
Gun movies.

10. Is Professor Abian the good sheriff, bumbling head of the EPA, or
tyrannical Big Nanobrother ("Don't call me Nanny") to 2^2^7 particles?
-- 
Vaughan Pratt				There's safety in certain numbers.
Newsgroups: sci.physics