From: Jim Baranski <BARANSKI@VEAMF1.NUSC.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Third Person
Organization: Lanman Hill Farm, Norwch CT
Date: 27 Aug 1992 17:30:00 GMT

RE: ice@netcom.Netcom.COM (I. Chris English)
Subject: Re: the "third" person

"Several people have mentioned that in their world views, casual relationships
don't make a person poly.  Well, ok, but for me, "casual" is usually a phase
that most of my more important relationships move through.  That is, at the
point where the relationship is casual, I don't know what any later
relationship might be like.  To "date" only people with whom I'm in love seems
a little bass ackwards to me."

Perhaps... yes, when you first meet someone, and get to know them, the
relationship is 'casual'.  On the other hand, perhaps a number of people here
tend to fall in love at first sight?  On the other hand, I'm not "casual", even
with someone whom I've just met.  I most likely treat them as a real person,
who's thoughts, feelings, etc are important.

In my mind, someone who is treated 'casually' is someone who is not of
interest.  Most prople have very narrow 'interest' filters; mine is very wide.

One other thing.  What does it mean to you to "date"?  To me, "dating" has
always seemed an artifice, posing to appear an attractive mate.  I don't
"date";  there are a number of interesting activities that I like to share with
people to get to know them, but I don't at that point seperate them into
prespective mates vs friends if ever.  I don't like to get serious with anyone
untill I've gotten to know them for a while; but sometimes I get carried
away...

"The honesty comes in telling the truth, where "I don't know" and "I'm not
willing to tell you" count as honest answers.  But I'm still not sure when it's
appropriate to volunteer information."

I've found that very few people are willing to accept "I'm not willing to tell
you".  While I think that it can be an honest answer, I think that the majority
of the time, the motive behind it is deception.  I know that there are times
when I'm too afraid to divulge some information to someone I don't know well
yet...  I would appreciate hearing other's thoughts on this.

I think that some amount of volunteering of information is necessary. 
Otherwise this can devolve into a '20 questions' grilling, which is counter
productive.  Basically, I think that if an issue comes up, it needs to be
addressed, explored, and resolved, instead of being avoided.

RE: chused@husc8.harvard.edu (Amy Chused)

"On the other hand, I have more than one friend that I love dearly.  And I am
happy to sleep with any of these friends, provided we're both in the mood.  I
won't have sex with them, but there's a delightful amount you can do with hands
and willing bodies without necessarily inserting tab A into slot B."

How is "sleeping with" different from "sex with" other then the physical
distinctions?

RE: slf@netcom.com (Sharon Fisher)

"having sex with somebody is like the old [Chinese?] adage about saving
somebody's life -- once you've done that, you're responsible for them forever."

Thanks! That accurately expressed how I feel about sex/love, etc...

RE: reykja@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Reykja Sigurdsson)

"There is a saying that what other people think of you is none of your
business. The real issue is how you feel about yourself."

Well, I don't know about you, but it does matter to me what other people think
about me, and it's something that I'm concerned about.  Are you implying that
we should not be concerned about what other people think about us?  Why?  Other
people can have quite an impact on you lives.  This sounds like rather cold,
uncaring advice to me...

Jim.
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory