From: anon-1326@twwells.com ([nickname])
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Letter from home (long)
Date: 8 Nov 92 19:21:26 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi again out there in ASAR-land.  I told you that I got a letter from my dad,
and I decided to post the letter to the net.  I cut some of it out because it
had to do with other things besides myh parents' relationship.  My comments
are in brackets; I've also deleted the names and put them in brackets too as
usual to protect my identity.

2 November 1992

Hi [Captain]!

Please do me a favor and read the entire letter.  It's not meant to be
judgmental or critical, nor to inflict any pain.  It's just that my
letter-writing skills are not on par with yours.

[My first thought here was that my dad was trying to put my on a guilt trip
for going to one of the top colleges in the country while my dad never even
went to college.  Read on, though.]

I got your letter today and you are right about everything, except possibly
the last sentence.  [Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the last sentence of
my letter to him.  I must find my copy on the computer.]  No, I am not hurt
[thank God], nor am I upset at you.  I love you more than you know and
sincerely wish only the best for you.

[It's not that I don't love him, as he sometimes seems to think, it's that
I've had a lot of trouble having any sympathy for him-- I feel he let my mom
walk all over him.]

I would like to address some of the points you bring up, but ask that you
PLEASE do not think I am trying to transfer any of my guilt or blame upon
you.  I am only trying to give you my perspective on the thoughts that you
have expressed.  I am proud of you for taking positive steps with your life. 
I wish you continued success with both education and life in general.

A little about me.  I was raised believing that the husband/father was
responsible for all that happened to his family.  It was early during Mom's
first pregnancy that I realized that I had one hell of a job ahead of me,
being married to a time-bomb.  She and I used to get into some royal battles. 
I didn't always acquiesce.  Then came the final 6 months of pregnancy #1--
Mom was hemorrhaging the whole time and I was so worried about her and the
baby, so I started biting my tongue.  What joy afterwards that she and [your
sister] were both OK.  Soon we were getting into it regularly-- doesn't
matter who was right-- we were fighting constantly.  Then [your brother] came
along, then [your other sister].  With three kids, Mom had her hands full. 
So I became the rigid, Germanic, disciplinarian.  By the time you were born,
[your brother] had still not started to talk [he was three at the time], so
it was off to speech therapy a couple of times a week.  With me working for a
living, Mom had her hands full with this added burden.  Naturally, the stress
level in the home went up, causing more confrontations between Mom and me. 
After a year, the speech therapist determined that [your brother's] lack of
speech was caused by my level of discipline.  Hey, if I didn't have the
answers, I had to trust the professionals-- WRONG, WRONG.  Now we had a kid
so rebellious that he'd take a softball bat (real wood) and want to send his
sister's head into outer space.

[I realized a couple of years ago that my brother had had aggressive
tendencies-- I remembered a time when I was younger when my brother came
after me with a carving knife.  I didn't know about this other stuff though. 
Maybe this helps explain why my brother molested me repeatedly over the
course of about three years.]

Between that and a bunch of other shit, I finally lost it and nearly killed
him.  Remember, Mom and I are still going at it tooth and nail, and I had
started some serious drinking.  Realizing that had I succeeded, and caused
[your brother's] death, I would no longer have any control over protecting my
kids from an irrational mom.  Even with my lower level of education [why does
he keep mentioning this? I wondered.  Is he trying to put me on a guilt
trip?] I knew that I needed help.  So, [your brother], Mom and I ended up in
counseling.  The only thing is that [your brother] had only started to speak
the year before, and Mom would put a padlock on her mouth.  So it fell to me
(I felt) to try to explain this nightmare to the counselor, hoping that Mom
might loosen up and start chiming in.  No such luck, only more resentment
because I was "airing the family laundry"-- her words.  I didn't care.  I
wanted help for [your brother] and us, and I didn't want to go to jail. 
Anyway, after a few years, [your brother] got better (not well, but at least
I wasn't ready to kill him), and the counselor said "that's all I can do, but
I feel that the parents need marriage counseling".  GREAT-- except Mom just
stood me up at our first counseling session-- just flat out didn't want to
"air our family laundry".

That was when I realized I was shoveling sand against the tide.  All I ever
wanted was some level of sanity for us all in this mental hospital without
bars called 'home sweet home'.  I guess that's when I started giving in. 
Also to keep her off you kids, around that time I started taking the blame
for things that the kids did wrong (whenever I felt I could pass it by her)
on the pretext of sheltering you guys from her wrath.  It's now obvious that
didn't work either.

Now to your suggestion as to standing up to Mom.  I already tried that one
back in September ([your brother] witnessed that event)-- didn't work; she
can't accept that she may be even one percent wrong.  I have never forgotten
the look of pity and sadness on your face when (during your senior year of
high school) you sat in the living room and asked me why I let Mom walk all
over me.  I guess because I thought I was protecting you kids.  I now see how
deeply wrong I was.  All I did was create more mental havoc for us all.  What
more can I say?  "I'm sorry", while true, doesn't begin.

[Actually, I remember that day in my senior year when I asked him this.  If
my memory about this is correct, he didn't really answer the question.]

PS: Long before any kids came along, I convinced Mom to get treatment for her
depression.  But after an adverse reaction to Valium, she went "ostrich" on
me, and any further attempts to get her treated were futile.

God bless you,
Dad

* end of letter *

Well!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My dad was far more understanding than I
ever thought (or hoped) he would be.  One thing scared me, though.  In a part
of the letter I deleted, my dad said that he still loves Mom and wants her to
get better.  He admitted, though, that he knew that wouldn't happen.  I fear
that he may, deep down inside, still be in denial.  The way I see it, he
still wants to be with my mom, and isn't accepting the fact that she won't
change.  I mean, he said he already stood up to her once a few months ago,
and that didn't work.  Yet he still wants her to change.  (By the way-- I'll
just have to take my dad on his word about this.  I'm not really on speaking
terms with my brother considering the fact he molested me; when I wrote my
brother a letter about this, he didn't answer it, instead, he just started
treating me like even more of a persona non grata.)

After having read this letter, I feel that the only solution for my parents
is to get a divorce.  I say this with a great deal of sadness because I've
always been opposed to the idea of divorce-- I've always felt that people
should try to work things out.  That's also what I've learned as a Catholic,
and I find it difficult to square my personal beliefs with my religious
beliefs-- I learned over the past few years just how strong my belief in God
is-- indeed, it's one of the things that helped me make it through the hell
of the past few years.  But in my parents' case, it's clear (and I've felt
this way for a while) that the differences are irreconcilable and that the
best thing for the entire family would be to get out of that unhealthy
relationship.  That's the reason why I try so hard to be independent up here
at college.

My counselor wanted me to schedule an appointment with him once I got a reply
from my dad.  I've been thinking about it, and I really don't want to have
another appointment with him.  I'm sure everybody out there who reads this
newsgroup regularly knows that my counselor violated my confidentiality, and
I don't want to trust him with any of this.  Indeed, about the only thing I
want to do is rip my counselor's head off for having violated my
confidentiality.

More later.

Keep the faith!
The Captain

PS: My dean still hasn't written back to me yet.  She still refuses to admit
that there could have been a breach of confidentiality here, and just wants
me to schedule an appointment with her.



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