From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: wanted : blind date list
Date: 7 Jan 93 00:15:39 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

       In article <1993Jan4.204852.11997@schaefer.math.wisc.edu>
    mueller@schaefer.math.wisc.edu (Carl Douglas Mueller) writes...

CDM>Not long ago I came across a list of how to get rid of a blind date.

             MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
                    (and other social catastrophes)

  1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
    the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who
    reaches for it.
  2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
    and balance them in a tower on your table.
  3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
  4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
  5.Repeat every third third word you say say.
  6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your
    high school yearbook.
  7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
  8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
  9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
    they are talking about.
 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
     outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
 11. Order a bucket of lard.
 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
     fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
     talking about themselves.
 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
     plate than they do.
 19. Drool.
 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray
     crumbs.
 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
     in front of you.
 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
     waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the
     restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you,
     ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
     the subject up.
 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
     where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you
     can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper
     shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the
     table that isn't bolted down.
 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
 35. Auction your date off for silverware.
 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your
     food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for
     the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another
     potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat
     later in the meal.
 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
     and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language,
     or just nonsense).
 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
     table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the
     chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
     Take one bite.
 44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange
     them around the table in a circle. Chant.
 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them
     home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper
     than actually feeding her.
 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee,
     and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the
     free refills.
 48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a
     simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the
     plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
 49. Accuse your date of espionage.
 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay
     the bill.
 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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