From: nelson@news.weeg.uiowa.edu (David L. Nelson)
Subject: Introductory post.  *** SPOILER ***
Organization: University of Iowa, Iowa City, IA, USA
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 23:01:07 GMT

Well, I read the entire FAQ file, as well as the new users file for
the UseNet in general. *whew!*  This is my first post ever on UseNet.




   *** SPOILER WARNING ***















I was abused by my mother when I was four.  She anally raped me with a
hair brush.  I read somewhere that that is the most commonly used
object in such situations.  Plus, she pinched and crushed my genitals.
Ostensibly, the excuse for this was "discipline" for bed-wetting.  I
passed out sometimes and I don't know exactly how many times it
happened.  I would presume that that is the source of my shame about
my genitals and body.

Somewhere in there at about the same time, my father threw me at a
wall.  I spent some time in the hospital.  The reason listed on my
hospital chart was "encephalitis."  I must infer that doctors in 1960
didn't report child abuse, but instead covered for parents.  This
abuse resulted in a near-death experience.

Over the years I have exhibited behaviors and addictions such as cult
membership, alcoholism, rages, compulsive overeating, compulsive sex,
smoking (nicotine), codependency, cutting myself, suicidal urges,
clinical depression, and (my shrink says) PTSD.

I didn't get my memories back until almost 4 years ago.  (Gosh, have I
known about recovery for *that* long?  Wow!)  I'm seeing a
psychologist, take antidepressants, and regularly attend Al-Anon
meetings.  One of my major behaviors has been relationship addiction
(aka codependency) and Al-Anon offers practical solutions (for me) to
that problem.

Even after this much time, I pop in and out of denial about whether my
memories are real.  I was horrified to hear of the False Memory
Society (Foundation?) or whatever it's called.  Are some memories
truly false?  Or is this a front organization concocted to protect
abusers?  Does it have any validation by professionals?

My gripes about being a survior: everytime an SO-relationship ends for
me (they rarely last longer than a year) I go into this major
freak-out/codep seizure and depression.  I relive some sort of
rejection/abandonment terror that seems to be enmeshed with my
feelings about my mother.  *sigh* You know, I think it would be extra
*special* if I felt like I were making some progress on this 
stuff!  ;-)

I get so *tired* of dealing with abuse issues!

I have a hard time separating who I am from what I do.  Boundaries
confuse me even though I know *theoretically* what they are.  And only
recently I started to forgive myself for being a victim as well as for
all the times I've been emotionally abusive (gotta love that Rescue
Triangle.  Not!).  Until I had started working on forgiveness, I
hadn't realized just what a burden my rage and bitterness had been.
And I would never say that anyone *has* to forgive their abuser, but
FOR ME it has been a long overdue liberation from resentment.

In some way that I don't yet fully understand, my enmeshment with my
abuser has led me to punish myself.  Although cutting and suicidal
urges are complex, I believe that self-punishment has been a big part
of those things for me.  Since I started working on forgiveness, my
urges to cut and off myself have diminished dramatically.
 
Thank you for listening. And thank you to those who initiated this
newsgroup; it has helped me feel much less isolated.

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery