From: llama@pooh.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: a surreal saturday night
Date: 22 Nov 92 20:36:39 GMT
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5

yesterday afternoon, i got some very bad news. since i wasn't near a
terminal, i wrote (wow, real writing, with a pen and everything) a
strange piece about how it felt [see next post]. strange. but anyway,
then i called a friend, then i called another friend, then i did some
strange things, and then i had a really weird evening.

it was obvious to me that i didn't want to be at home alone, so i
walked over to campus. everything was innately interesting. i prowled
the student union, exploring it, going outside to just sit and look at
the sky, watching the fountain, going back in. on the third floor i
needed to go to the bathroom and opened the door to the ladies' room
and thought i'd somehow ended up in someone's apartment. i didn't have
my contacts in, and there was carpet and a couch and directly opposite
me was this huge construction of white ductwork with bronzeish tape
that looked like a giant cabinet. it was too weird. there were mirrors
everywhere, and this really cool song came on, and i was dancing in
this ladies' room, watching myself in all these mirrors. odd.

so when i got out of there, i started walking again, only i came to an
exit door when i'd expected to reach phones. then i realized that it
was the door i'd just come in, and i laughed and turned around and
went to the phones.

i tried to call my friend kristi, but she wasn't home. but her husband
david was, and he and i ended up talking about what i'd wanted to talk
to her about. david is a very quiet man, and i'd never really talked
to him before even though i've known him as long as i've known her
(about three years). he's actually a very good listener, compassionate
yet tough. and it was weird to discover that he knows me. i mean, he
has opinions and ideas about who i am. it just never occurred before
that he would. very weird.

so we talked for about an hour and i was still kinda weirded out and
just kinda wandering around and everything was very strange. then i
got to talking to this very interesting-looking young man (the cliche
that comes to mind is darkly sinister, though that would probably
offend him. i was reminded of what anton levay *should* look like, but
he didn't seem evil, just cool) and we agreed to meet in a bit at les
amis, this pseudoangst-ridden little pretentious coffeehouse near
campus. so i walked over there eventually (it's about midnight by this
time) in this amazing wind that feels like it's blowing through me,
not just around me. i felt porous, transparent to it, and it was
cleaning me out as it went through.

so i got to les amis and he wasn't there yet so i wandered around
outside, intently reading signs on the building next door, then
realizing how silly i must look. for some reason i decided that my
walkman would keep him from recognizing me, so i turned it off. he
finally got there, we were both freezing when we went inside, and he
ordered iced tea. too weird. i was trying to explain to him the
inherent weirdness of my life and he was rolling tobacco into
cigarettes and smoking them strangely, compulsively, almost furtively.
and i'm thinking that he's as spaced as i am at this point. and the
words were getting all clogged up in my head, racing to see which ones
would get out first.

but we had fun, and now i know what i'm going to do for thanksgiving.
he (antonio) and i are going to hitchhike across texas, leaving
wednesday, getting back sunday. we'll start by going to houston, then
dallas (if anyone wants to volunteer crash space) then who knows
where? the weekend is ours, the state is ours, there's nothing we
*have* to do. i was laughing with happiness over the whole
arrangement. i had a sudden attack of spontaneous joy.

so then i walked home in the mystical wind that was caressing my spine
and filling me up, and i was listening to public radio and they were
playing amazing, beautiful awesome music. and i decided to go to the
convenience store on my way home, even though i wasn't sure i could
bear to stop the music even for a moment. and when i got there, there
were people standing around outside and the door was locked. so the
clerk came out and unlocked the door and he's this friend of mine, so
i said "geez, what are you doing, screwing with my already tenuous
grip on reality??" he just laughed and said "tenuous grip on reality?"

then i went home and stuck my earphones into my stereo at home and
cranked the public radio really really loud because they were playing
ministry, and having the earphones on made the music seem to become
part of me in a way it wasn't when it was just floating around in the
air instead of being forced into my ears. 

then i sat down and wrote:

public radio pounding ministry into my brain. john's machine not
answering. thanksgiving.
1.30. west mall. adventure.
didn't get drunk, didn't get laid. laid problem to rest. david
strangely comforting. peaceful.
cool wind rushing through.
life.
rebirth.
up because you have to be? "jesus said in heaven there's not that 
much to do."
fuck this shit. i'm too cool for it. i have power. i can be what i
want. i WILL. THIS is empowerment. THIS is me.
turning point.
turing point.
burning point.
scorch me. remove the fat. rendered. big as life as live as evil and
we wander. who knows? moreso, who cares?

don't ask me why i posted this. thanks for the indulgence.

--
sine | deb
wallowing in an orgy of self-indulgence, part one