From: woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: the "oh" experience
Date: 23 Aug 92 09:07:01 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia


   And I was feeling really proud of myself for staying out of this
flame, too.... 8-/

   I'm also many days behind on soc.bi, so forgive any redundancies with
replies I haven't read yet.


kamal@specialix.co.uk (Kamal Mortoza) writes:
>As I was saying - YOUR relationship matured and you managed to shed the
>feelings that society conditioned you to feel. This - I still maintain -
>does not apply to new forming relationships where the trust element has
>yet to be proven.

   Hmmm. So new forming relationships can't have any trust in them?

   Besides which, I "shed the feelings [of monogamy] that society
conditioned me to feel" some time ago. Why do you think I will inevitably
have to go through the same struggle with every new relationship?


>I'm happy for you that you eventually sorted out your
>emotions - it took us several years of experimentation. You must however
>accept that with one as young as piglet sounded, the possibility of a
>deep stable trusting relationship - although not impossible - is unlikely
>simply because there hasn't been enough time for one to form.

   (1) Piglet didn't sound young to me.

   (2) Even so, what's that got to do with anything? "Hasn't been enough
time for a deep stable relationship to form", my foot!

   I was instrumental in setting up the newsgroup alt.polyamory. I'm
posting heaps & heaps there these days. Based on what some people have
said, I seem to have acquired a bit of a reputation as a Poly-guru.

   And I had my 21st birthday last week.

   I've also been *living* with (not just being involved with, but living
with) my sweetie Karina since we were both 16.

   Maybe it does take some people several years to sort out these things.
I'm not disparaging anyone who followed that path. But maybe, just maybe,
you should consider that it may indeed be "not impossible" for it to
occur at a very young age indeed. And not necessarily after years of being
together, either. I think Karina's and my Poly values were sorted out much
they way they are today when we were just 17? Something like that.
  

>I'm not convinced that extra-maritual "private" lovers
>do not raise the danger of one simply abandoning the lover that is down -
>for whatever reason, preferring to disappear with the perceived "good time"
>lover.

   What a revealing statement. Your partner might run off with a lover of
their own - so make damn sure they don't get to *have* any lovers of their
own.

   I knew another nominally Poly couple who only hunted as a pair - a 
partner had to have both of them or none. I had a very deep suspicion of
this...for heaven's sake, my brand of polyamory at least is all about
the *removal* of rules about who my partners can love and fool around
with. Substituting a new set of restrictions, even if they actually
permit a bit more in terms of extra-curricular activities, is really
not all that different from a more blatant form of monogamous control.

   I think Poly relationships are bloody independent of each other,
in the sense that if Karina's going to leave me, it'll be because of
something in *our* relationship, not anything to do with anyone else's.

   And even if "one abandons the lover that's down for the 'good time'
lover" - what do you suggest we do about it? Lock them up? Tell them
they can't go?!? Sabotage the other relationship so that we seem like
the "better option" again? Christ, the whole point about being Poly is
that *no-one* has to leave anyone because of wanting someone else.

   Grrr. If I *have* misunderstood you, my deepest apologies. But I think
I've understood all too well.

Joe.

  / Joe Woodhouse        / I'm just a sweet bisexual...   / Hello, there.
 / Latrobe University   /    (think - Rocky Horror)      / Threesomes are fun.
/ Melbourne, Australia / Music. Magic. Mathematics. Me. / I like cats! (miaow!)
Xref: sparky soc.bi:11095 talk.bizarre:26981