From: coren@speed.osf.org (Robert Coren)
Subject: Re: Tips for coming out to friends?
Organization: Open Software Foundation
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 16:42:45 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.224344.5405@Princeton.EDU>, dem@cs.princeton.edu (Doron Meyer) writes:
> Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to come out to the whole school.
> It simply would be hell...
> no, this isn't a good place to come out.  I just need
> to tell a few close friends.  I'm sick of hiding it from them.

OK, I didn't completely get this the first time around, so a lot of my
advice assumed that you were prepared to come out to casual
acquaintances. I can see now that your situation makes this
problematic.


> In article <1993Jan25.184923.7160@osf.org> coren@speed.osf.org (Robert Coren) writes:
> 
> >Which is not to say that, the first few times you do this, your
> >stomach won't churn or your hands tremble. But it defuses some of the
> >emotional intensity that comes from conversations that start with,
> >"I've got something real important [read: threatening] to tell you."
> 
> I can agree that coming out casually is much better, but it
> somehow seems fake with close friends that you've been deceiving
> for however long.

Obviously and unequivocally, it's your call. I can understand the
desire to come out to close friends quickly and thoroughly. The
"casual" approach I outlined should work here too, and still might be
easier if the opportunity arises, but you might not want to wait for
the opportunity to arise. You'll have to do what seems right on a
case-by-case basis, it seems to me.
> 
> >Another approach, if you're unfortunate enough to be in an applicable
> >situation, is not to let homophobic jokes or remarks pass. This is a
> >good idea anyway, but it's often hardest for closeted gay people. If
> >the offender, when challenged, says, "What's it to you?" or, even,
> >"what, are you queer or something?" you have to be ready.
> 
> Ready to do what?  I'm not asking this rhetorically; I honestly
> don't know what to do.  In fact, I've become more leery
> of challenging homophobic jokes and anti-equal-rights discussions
> recently (and believe me, I hear them practically every day) for
> exactly this reason.

This is unfortunate; the inability/unwillingness to challenge blatant
homophobia is one of the most soul-destroying aspects of the closet.
Again, this suggestion was based on the misunderstanding I referred to
above, and the actual situation makes it much more difficult. Another
possible response is to deflect the question as irrelevant: bigotry is
wrong, and it bothers you irrespective of your own orientation. But
this requires walking a very fine line, and I expect that among
high-school students it's not particularly effective at diverting
"suspicion".

On the other hand, if any of the close friends that you *do* want to
come out to make offensive jokes or otherwise display homophobia, this
may provide a vehicle for coming out to them. They're in need of
education in any case, clearly. You might be able to find an
opportunity to take them aside privately, and tell them that you wish
they wouldn't do that, and explain why.

Since I didn't acknowledge my gayness even to myself until long after
high school, I can only dimly imagine how difficult and painful this
situation must be for you. Rest assured that it *will* get better, as
you get older and more self-confident, and as the people around you
(either your present friends or a new set) become more mature.

Also remember that a whole lot of us here are pulling for you. Keep us
posted, by news or mail, and let us know how it goes.

Best of luck,
   Robert