From: Walt.Mateja@p0.f420.n150.z1.fidonet.org (Walt Mateja)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: New Amputee - New status
Date: 15 Dec 92 22:20:30 GMT
Reply-To: Walt.Mateja@p0.f420.n150.z1.fidonet.org
Organization: FidoNet node 1:150/420.0 - The "us" Project, Wilmington DE
X-Fidonet: Amputee Conference
Originator: wtm@sheldev.shel.isc-br.com

Index Number: 26831

[This is from the Amputee Conference]

BS>Don't be sorry for joining in - I need and VERY MUCH appreciate all
 BS>thecontact I can get.
 Hi Bill:
         From your previous post:

 BS>Maybe I WAS trying too hard to be what I thought she wanted. I hadn't
 BS>thought about it that way. I just thought I was doing my best to be a
 BS>"good" husband. I found myself doing more and more to try to make
 BS>life easier for her. Over the past four years I had started fixing
 BS>nearly all the meals (including packing her lunch), doing nearly all
 BS>the laundry, handling the checkbook (that had always been her job
 BS>before), and even starting to do things like (shudderrrrr) house
 BS>cleaning. As I look back at it now I see that I was trying too hard to
 BS>make it easy for her and all it really accomplished was to make her
 BS>feel less valuable - to the
 BS>point she felt unappreciated. My intent was to let her know how much
 BS>I cared for her by helping out but it backfired - BIG TIME!!!

         Is it possible that she quit working at your relationship earlier
 than you really thought ?

 BS>Things have been better(?) for me this week. I even made it through
 BS>some days without crying. One morning I woke up to feel a 'moment of
 BS>acceptance' - I realized she was never coming back and it didn't
 BS>matter.
 BS>That was a good feeling even though it only lasted for 30 minutes
 BS>(2:30 till 3:00 am).

         Well I think that it'll matter for a long time, but it doesn't
 keep you from giving or dtract from your worth to others. Just to her.

 BS>I had a talk with my daughter (she'll be 23 in January and is living
 BS>with me till she is married May 22) and asked her what she would
 BS>think if I were to take a lady to dinner some night. She said that IF I
 BS>felt I was ready then it was fine with her. We went ahead and got into
 BSthe subjects of commitment (avoid for now) and sexual relations
 BS>(liekwise)

         As soon as you think that you won't be drawing comparisons ...
 that's a great attitude.

 BS>and I gained further respect for her - Kids CAN be wonderful!!

         It's hard to realize how fast they grow up, and what I found after
 a short period of time is that MOST of my family and Friends were only
 surprised that it took as long as it did for our relationship to end. They
 ALL saw problems long before and much more in detail than I did. I was
 really blind to how unhappy we both were, and the more that I tried to do,
 the worse I felt that I must be to wind up being rejected.

 BS>Anyway, I asked a lady I had met last spring and had spoken with her a
 BS>few times since to dinner and later we came back here to talk. When my
 BS>daughter and her fiancee came in I introduced them to Sherryl. Later on
 BS>the kids each told me they thought she was 'very personable'. From them
 BS>that is a real compliment. I was even able to sleep better that night -
 BS>about double what I have been getting. There have been hard times since
 BS>but overall I think I'm gaining on that situation.

         Unfortunately, it won't be a straight line experience, but it will
 continually get better.

 BS>Had an appointment with the prosthestist yesterday (thursday). He
 BS>took a cast of my stump and promised me a new leg by the middle of next
 BS>week.
 BS>He seems to think that I might even be able to walk a few steps
 BS>totally unassisted by Christmas. Wouldn't that be a KICK!! I certainly
 BS>aim to do my best toward that goal.

         I really wish you well with that. I'm not an amputee, and I can
 only imagine the feeling from the few times that I've had a broken arm or
 leg. So now a question for you. It seems to me that I've heard that when
 a person loses a limb, they have almost a grieving period for it, and that
 they get ghost sensations where the limb used to be. Is this true ?

   (@)1992, "us"
                                     *  Walt Mateja  *

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