HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1298@twwells.com (Carol)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: had a confrontation
Date: 24 Dec 92 00:44:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Just wanted to share something with you guys. As a child I
was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend. Eventually I
told my father that sometimes John would proposition me and
offer me money - I never told him the whole truth. At the
time Dad said it was up to me to tell my mother and left it
at that. Because I loved him so much I thought he was completely
right.

Two nights ago I called my father and asked him to come over
because I had some things to tell him. I was practically in
tears when I rang - scared of what I was going to tell him,
unsure of how he'd react.... When he came over I told him that
I really *was* abused (though no details). I told him other things
he didn't know too - how I was hated at primary school, how my
mum would beat me up sometimes, how horrible I found living with
my step-mother when he got married, and his distance then......

While talking to Dad I realised what it was I wanted from him - 
and also that I wasn't going to get it. I wanted what I'd wanted in
my childhood. I wanted him to be my daddy and to rescue me. I wanted
him to hug me and say "there there little Carol, everything's
gonna be fine." But he didn't. At first I was hurt by this and then
I started to accept it. I started to realise that I was never going
to get back all that comfort and protection I missed out on then.
That I'm 23 now and perfectly capable of comforting and protecting
myself. That I can accept my father with all his faults and give
up my 10 year old's fantasy of him...


I feel so happy! I feel like a part of me that was still 10 has
grown up! I feel more whole! There's been this deep pit in my life
that was the deficit of affection and care from my childhood and
I've been wasting all my time worrying about how to fill it up.
Now I can stand beside that pit and accept it's existence. Now I
can start building a pile of love that goes from here on!

Thanks for listening asar. Good luck in the new year :-)

	Carol




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From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: testing
Date: 27 Dec 92 10:30:25 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

testing because I'm having problems sending posts through the other anon
service.

us peoples/Angel & all



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From: an3243@anon.penet.fi (ben reitman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: sexual addiction
Date: 3 Jan 93 08:15:13 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service
X-Anonymously-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery

does anyone know anything about a bulletin board for sexual addiction?  i 
know about a couple of organizations, but that's all...and i have a *serious*
problem.  i'm just beginning to own up to it and could never imagine going to
a group or anything...at least not right now.  anyway, i guess this is 
a call for help.  i put a message on here last week and ever since a lot of 
shit has been coming up, a lot of recognition of my problem.  this is 
happening at the worst time -- i'm in graduate school, about to take my 
prelims which i have spent 6 months studying for, and i feel like i am in the 
middle of a very destructive behavior pattern sexually.  feeling a lot of guilt and shame, which i then bury in the same old destructive behaviour which makes
me feel worse.  i'm not getting my work done, i'm not sure what to
do.  i am not abusing anyone but myself, and this probably isn't the place to 
discuss this, but if there is anyone on the net who can relate to sexual
addiction issues i would appreciate an email or a response on the net.












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From: anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Suicide songs that give me comfort 5
Date: 28 Dec 92 05:54:41 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Happy Rhodes
Rhodes Vol. I


THE FIRST TO CRY


   I have no heart it seems
   When I need it, it leaves
   And I haven't the courage to oblige

   Why couldn't somebody cry for me
   This time?
   For I'm too frightened to reply

   As were the days of yore
   Mine are timeless

   Why couldn't someone have patience for me?
   Why couldn't someone be wise to my fears?
   Tell me why couldn't somebody cry for me
   This time?
  
   And if I should die, who'll be the first to cry?

   I have not the nerve to show anyone how I am
   For I'd be misunderstood
 
   Every time you're standing by my side
   I'm stricken with undying fear inside

   And if I choose to comply
   Not one would wonder why would I 
   Who'll be the first to cry?

(c)1986 Happy Rhodes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-




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From: anon-1280@twwells.com (MelancholyChild)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Let it end soon, please
Date: 30 Dec 92 04:30:51 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick) writes:

>In article <Bzy5qB.IyJ@twwells.com>, anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
>writes:
>>I wish I could believe this for myself. I don't, not at all. It will
>>end when I die. Blah blah blah blah blah blah, lots of whiny bullshit
>>deleted
 
This should never have been posted. Apologies to all.

>>ReachingOut (crap, what a lie. I want to change my name again so badly)

>Well then, why don't you change your handle?

I did. Thank you.

"I met a kind and gentle man who thinks the world of me
 And when he looks my way it is a woman that he sees
 But when I can't explain to him the tears that fill my eyes
 He takes me in his arms and rocks his melancholy child"
                                                        (Pam Tillis)




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From: cryst@belay.uucp (Crystal Bell)
Subject: Anyone I know around?
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 19:37:56 GMT

 Hi guys! long time no talk.. unfortunately.. I wanted to kill myself last 
night and sometimes even today I wish I had.. OOPS forgot the 
************************ S P O I L  E R S ******************** warning <grin>
anyhow... I can't remember when was the last time I posted.. but On 
Dec 04 (1992) I spoke to my ex-foster mother sort of.. I called to say Happy
Birthday to my Foster Father.. (FF) and he wasn't in.. I asked to speak to 
"dad" I have called this man "dad" since I was 9 years old.. anyhow to get to 
the point She asked me who was speaking. I told her it was me and she hung up 
saying " I don't know anyone named Crystal" it didn't hurt as much as it did
when she TOLD ME I was a useless piece of crap.. ( of course she didn't say 
exactly that but she certainly implied it.. I could never amount to anything,
and I was never going to succeed in anything I do...

I *WAS* engaged to Craig.. for about two weeks.. but get this.. and I'm aware 
that this probably isn't the place for it. but.. I HAVE to say it to SOMEONE 
and you guys have always been here for me... < thanks..> I've decided that I'm
Bi-curious.. this is really bizarre.. I think it's got something to do with 
the fact that I've been through so much Crap caused by men.. anyhow.. I'm 
seeing ( very loosely used term) a guy named Rob.. he's a real sweetie, He
TRULY understands what I'm going through.. he has never been through it 
himself but he understands me.. He treats me like a LADY instead of an object
I LOVE THE WAY HE TREATS ME!!!! BOUNCE!
I dunno... My entire life is topsy turvy and I'm stuck alone at Christmas 
again.. I've tried killing myself every Christmas for the past five years.
but right now I don't think I could fight off the burning NEED to die.. Am I 
making any sense? Craig and I live together.. but he's gona away for the
holidays and I'm alone.. I don't know if I can take another Christmas alone..

anyhow.. I'll get out of everyone's hair.. 
HUGGS! for everyone who needs one.. 
Crystal


-- 
############################################################################**
Crystal Bell                     * If you don't like my opinions that's
E-mail Cryst%belay@uunet.uu.net  * your problem. Please keep ALL flames
                                 * to private E-mail. thanx
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: faype@bcvms.bc.edu
Subject: Re: *** PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS SURVEY!!! ***
Organization: Boston College
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 22:24:37 GMT
From: faype@bcvms.bc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: *** PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS SURVEY!!! *** 
Date: 22 Dec 92 18:18:25 EDT
Organization: Boston College

In article <Bzn8u3.FGG@twwells.com>, anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut) writes:
> 
> This has *nothing* to do with Peter. I trust him and I am certain
> that the confidentiality claim made above is sincere. Still, I'd
> rather not be getting mail concerning sexual abuse at my home
> address, or have my home address in any database relating to
> sexual abuse. Peter exlained that e-mail is not secure, and I
> understand that, but I would prefer to respond to a questionaire
> via e-mail. I don't understand why that option can't be made 
> available to those who want it. 
> 
I have gotten quite a few questions about those wanting to receive 
the survey via e-mail.  The reason I have been declining is that (1) 
I believe surface mail is more secure, (2) I am obligated by ethics,
etc, to obtain a written signed release form from everyone taking 
the survey.

I know this is a problem for some, but it is hard to do a scientific
survey without names and addresses.  I do understand, though, if
some decide not to participate due to this issue.

-pete
From: arodgers@dcs.qmw.ac.uk (Angus H Rodgers)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Witnessing abuse (was: Inner Child)
Date: 21 Dec 92 20:55:19 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Dept, QMW, University of London

In <BzL82s.3I7@twwells.com> anon-1298@twwells.com (Carol) writes:

>Yesterday I saw someone very like my inner child. A girl about 10
>years old. My attention was attracted to her crying as her
>mother's boyfriend violently ripped her hand from her mother's
>arm because *he* wanted to hold that arm! The girl walked away 
>crying [... more, and worse, deleted for brevity ...]
>I wanted to go up to that man and say "you bastard". I
>wanted to tell the mother to be more responsible. But mostly I
>wanted to run after that little girl and hug her. But I did nothing.
>Like most law abiding fucking minding-own-business citizens I
>did nothing.

>I feel guilty. I should have tried to do something. I *want* to
>do something real to stop child abuse... and yet when I see it happen
>in the street right in front of me I fail dismally. I would like to
>hear what some of you guys have thought about actively preventing
>the abuse of others, and what you have done, and what you think
>are appropriate or inappropriate actions.

My nephew Dean was badly beaten up, years ago, by the man whom his
mother (my sister-in-law) was falsely trying to pass off as his
father. (Meanwhile the boy's real father was being cold-shouldered,
in spite of his willingness to take some interest in his children.)

I'm not sure when I learned of this event; anyway, I've done nothing
about it, nor has anyone else. Meanwhile, years have passed, Dean's 
problems have got worse and worse, and now *he's* been in trouble 
with the police (just for damaging some high-handed teacher's property).
And the fucker who abused him has got off scot-free.

I'm sleep-walking, because of my wife's influence over me. (It's
hard to explain, and not exactly relevant; I hope it makes sense
as it stands.)

Somebody who cares about children, please wake me from my apathy,
and shame me into getting the bastard prosecuted -- if that's still
possible after all this time.

I may not be able to do much else for Dean, but it might help him
if he saw the guilty one being punished (for a change, in this mad
world).

-----

Note: no relevance to *sexual* abuse (either in the original article,
or this followup). As I was writing a week or so ago, there should be
another newsgroup.
--
Gus Rodgers,  Dept. of Computer Science, |  [Profound thought for 1993]
Queen Mary & Westfield College, Mile End |     "Philishave is about
Road, London, England.   +44 71 975 5241 |      personal choice" 
E-mail (JANET):   arodgers@dcs.qmw.ac.uk |             -- TV advert
From: pooder@msus1.msus.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: What is healthy and "normal"?
Date: 3 Jan 93 18:05:31 -0600
Organization: Minnesota State University System

As someone who was abused and has remembered and dealt with some of the
issues surrounding my abuse, I still have one basic question that I am
very unsure of.  Will I *ever* have a healthy sex life?  Or, do I have
one already?  (Do I sound confused?  Well, I am.)

My sexual mind is filled with all manner of Sado-masochistic fantasies
that mostly prevent me from making love and feeling tender and close.

During my marriage, I hadn't recalled the abuse and I faked tenderness
(and a whole lot more) and felt like I was the world's worst pervert 
because of the fantasies I needed to get aroused.

My fiancee after my divorce helped me while I figured out the abuse 
and was able to share some of the fantasies with me and even act some 
of them out.  I still felt perverted and that she somehow was perverted 
herself for being able to do some of the things we did.  She died in 
a car accident three months before we were to be married and I've felt  
even more screwed up ever since.  Sort of like this was the punishment
I deserved.  I was driving and it was my fault the accident happened.

The woman I'm seeing now views these fantasies as symptomatic of the 
abuse and is reluctant to act more than the mildest ones out.  She is
tender and sweet and I love her deeply, but I feel like I'm cheating 
when I don't get aroused by her and need all these "perverted" ideas
to get me going.

I spent the hours from midnight 'till 3 a.m. last night reading 
alt.sex.bondage and alt.sex.stories getting more and more aroused, but
wishing the posts there were more hard core.  For a while I felt, "Ah, 
*this* is where I fit in," but after the arousal wore off all I felt
was dirty and used.  

What is normal *healthy* sex supposed to be?  Is it possible to have
after being abused as a child?  Will I ever feel aroused and tender
at the same time with my lover?

Has anyone else out there felt this way?  Please answer on the net or
e-mail.  

Thanks,

Don
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: First post!
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1992 00:54:55 GMT

Samantha writes:
>But, I realized when i turned 18, that there was no way that i was going
>to let him stop me from being everything that i wanted to be. I am on my
>way to becoming a teacher. And, eventually, i will open my own school. 

Great!  I like to hear success stories, as it helps me remember that
there *is* hope, that there *is* an end to the worst of it.

>I don't know why i am writing this.

I think you answered yourself earlier:
>I am writing mainly because I have been reading the posts from others
>and i realized that many people are going thru the same stuff I went
>thru 2 years ago, and I SURVIVED!  It can be done. it might not be easy,
>but it can be done.  Really!  

Thanks for letting us know...
-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Dear Santa
Date: 21 Dec 92 22:28:25 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Dear Santa, 
 
I've been a very good girl this year. I have had courage and
faced some ugly truths. I have felt some of the emotions that 
went along with these truths even though they bring me to despair. 
I continue seeking to find a way to heal so that I can become who I am. 
 
For Christmas, I would like to learn how to deal with the following 
situations: 
 
        saying no, even when I am frightened.
        making a decision, even when there is no right/wrong answer. 
        crying when I hurt.  
        feeling angry.    
        communicating my soul with others. 
        tearing down the walls that guard my heart 
        giving to other people, even when I doubt myself.
        living without abusing myself.  
        trusting my feelings. 
 
I didn't learn skills to cope with these things as a child. 
Instead I learned how to abuse myself
physically and emotionally, how to please other people because they
were/are more important than me, how to kill myself emotionally and
be numb so that I could go on living physically, how to hate myself, 
how to fear others. These were my guardians. They helped me to  
survive, but now I want to do more than survive so I need to say
thankyou and goodbye to these old friends.  
 
I am willing to do a lot to learn the new things but I am impatient and  
would like a magic pill that will give me what I need.    
Truely though, I understand that it will take a while to learn 
new ways of coping to replace my guardians.
 
I am grateful for all of the good things in my life, of which there
are many (including the good people of asar).
 
thankyou Santa   
-Seeker  



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From: an3243@anon.penet.fi (ben reitman)
Subject: addiction
Organization: Anonymous contact service
X-Anonymously-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 08:21:54 GMT

does anyone know anything about sexual addiction?  is there a network that 
discusses this?









thanks in advance:  please post replies on the net.
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From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Yet Another Highly Emotional Letter  **SPOILER WARNING**
Date: 28 Dec 92 17:35:51 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <1992Dec28.002302.27864@genie.slhs.udel.edu>,
nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz) writes:
>You have my sympathy/empathy/something on rage--I can feel a little
>surfacing just from reading your post. (Not at you--it's my usual
>background stuff.) Maybe the idea I'm looking for is that I've got
>some emotional resonance with your state. 
>
>If you'll excuse some advice, I'd say to get some physical exercise
>and burn a little adrenalin.

I don't think I've gotten regular exercise (aside from what is necessary to get
around in my life, say 2 miles of walking per day, and that's it.) in years... 
Don't feel like building up to a point where I could exercise regularly without
getting winded/etc either...  But maybe I should anyways...

>Personally, I'm going to try getting in some introspection.

I'm trying to do that too!  I just seem to freeze-up as of late...  :(

>Hang in there--I don't want you to die over this.

I shall try to hang on, dispite how tempting it is to just die...

>Ehugs if you want them,

They're always welcomed, and many <E-Hugs> in return!  :)

>Nancy Lebovitz
>nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu

And thanks for the note of encouragement...

<><><><>
Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  anon.77@pax.tpa.com.au

 "And the Germans killed the Jews.  And the Jews killed the Arabs.
  And the Arabs killed the hostages.  And that is the news."
From: lmann@jjmhome.UUCP (Laurie Mann)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: WOMEN ABUSES!!!
Date: 3 Jan 93 14:33:59 GMT

Cloister, nothing.  Bill is just doing his usual "terrific" job at
managing an anonymous posting service.

Thanks for letting the abusers through again, Bill.

(Do yourselves a favor and put "Mr.  Freud" in the kill file where he
belongs.)

*     NeXT: lmann@vineland.pubs.stratus.com * GEnie:  Laurie.Mann     *
*  In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak  *
*  because I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I  *
*  didn't speak because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade  *  
*  unionists, and I didn't speak because I wasn't a trade unionist..  *
*Then they came for me---and by that time no one was left to speak up.*
*       Martin Niemoeller     Why to March on Washington, 4/93        *
From: anon.146@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test: Please ignore
Date: 1 Jan 1993 05:57:27 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.146@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Nihil obstat.


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