From: anon-1390@twwells.com (Screaming Fist)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Rescue Triangle (was safe place inside)
Date: 24 Nov 92 00:41:01 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


>From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
>Date: 23 Nov 92 21:31:40 GMT
>
>My counselor told me that the abusers had done such a good
>job on me that they no longer needed to be in my life. I
[omitted]
>
>I have always been looking for someone else to make a safe 
>space for me in which I can grow ... but first I need to
>make it safe for me inside myself. If someone else said and 
>did to me the things I do to myself, I could have them arrested
>and charged with abuse.
[omitted]

Seeker, I'm like that too!

In one of the books I read, they called it "internalizing your
abuser."  Bleah!! Icky.  

Somewhere in the past month, someone contributed to a.s.a.r a quick
review of the concept of the Rescue Triangle (aka Karpman Drama
Triangle) which is a description of the rigid roles one learns in a
dysfunctional family.  The roles are Persecutor (Abuser), Victim, and
Rescuer.

And I've done that role-playing all of my life!  When I fall in love,
I often confuse love and pity, and end up trying to "rescue" my SO.
In fact, I tend to do it so obsessively that she gets angry at me, and
then I feel like a victim -- and being a victim is a lead-in to
becoming abusive!

It is knowledge of the Rescue Triangle that makes me *extremely*
cautious about my own anger toward my perp.  I have a right to be
angry; there are some things that you simply should *not* do to a
child.  Yet, I am also aware that I sometimes act out upon myself this
abuser-victim-rescuer game.  If I have righteous indignation about
having been abused, that's fine -- but I do *not* want to let that
rage bleed over and become redirected at myself!  

The only way that I know how to break the cycle is to work at being
consistently nurturing to myself.  If I love myself, then I have an
inner reservoir that can overflow onto my friends.  And I've noticed
that when I'm "rescuing" it's usually because I'm feeling empty inside
and I need the ego-rush of helping another person -- for me, when
I'm "rescuing" I'm giving in a manner that is self-destructive.

Let me explain, I can tell I've been "rescuing" when I start to get
angry about not being appreciated.  And I think that I get angry
because I've been over-extending myself, making myself into a bit of a
martyr and sacrificing too much.  For example, when I give out of an
inner fulness, I don't need to hear 'thank you'; but when I'm
"rescuing", deep down inside I want to hear what a great person I am.

It can be a fine line between genuine nurturing and "rescuing".  And,
being human, I fool myself time and again. But the good news is that
I'm getting better from month to month -- taking care of myself and
making sure that I really have something to give.  There's nothing
wrong with being generous or nurturing, not at all!  But there *is*
something wrong if I give and then expect (or demand) gratitude in
return.


   *********************************************************************
   * Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence. *
   *  -Mahatma Gandhi                                                  *
   ********************************************************************* 
     David L Nelson   fist@chop.isca.uiowa.edu  anon-1390@twwells.com



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