From: marty@world.std.com (Marty M HaleEvans)
Subject: Re: another poem
Organization: Cicely Public Access UNIX, Cicely, AK
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 16:10:40 GMT

I have to bring something up here.

First, let me say that I've experienced the vast majority of what all of you
have mentioned. I was ostracized for being smart and fat, rebelled, etc. I do
know where you're coming from, and I agree with a lot of it.

However, I just can't get around hating what you call "feminine" women. 
Aren't you making just as many assumptions about them based on their looks
as you resent being made about yourselves? What is so liberating about 
accepting only your own view of womanhood, just as those do who would force
you into molds not of your own making? In short, where do you get off? You
know, a lot of women just have softer personalities and express themselves
differently than you do, and that's no reason to believe that they're
necessarily patsies of the patriarchy.

I used to feel the way you do, that's why I want to make this statement. I 
like to think I've gotten past it. Even though I tend to have a knee-jerk
reaction to "pretty" women, I've now met enough of them I respect to catch
myself, and I've made enough peace with my own self-image that I don't need
to blame hurts from the past on innocent passers-by. I'm thinking in particular
of two co-workers of mine, both of whom I refused to trust when I first met
them: one is a tall, thin, gorgeous Englishwoman, and another is a soft-spoken
blonde, blue-eyed waif. However, as I got to know them, I realized they hadn't
a snotty bone in their bodies, and are both great people; the former is working
on some personal problems with a strength and grace I marvel at, and the latter
has one of the sharpest feminist minds I know.

The point is that we as women can't continue to undermine each other the way
this society wants us to. Societal pressures try to make us compete for men, 
separate us from our elderwomen, and cutthroat each other for the few morsels
of prestige and power they throw us. We can only change things if we stick
together and refuse to play, and the things you've been saying seem to me to
be only another variation. Start trying to see the Goddess in every woman you
meet, and the God in every man. I used to do this on the subway as an exercise,
and it was very instructional about myself. (if you don't subscribe to a 
god/goddess paradigm, use the Tao or whatever works for you; just look for that
divine spark.)

Also, you might want to take a look at why you get such a rush from proving
other people wrong about you. Does it make you feel superior? Do you get a
superiority rush from just being different? Don't we all need to connect rather
than glory in our separateness? I had a therapist tell me once that I used a 
strong "Pearls-before-the-swine" mindset to defend myself and overcompensate
for a bad self-image. He was right, and it worked, but it sure was lonely.

Again, I only want to say this because I think I've done it; I recognize a
not-very-happy path I went on, and try to get others to make a turnoff before
I did. I wasted a lot of time. I suppose I'll get roundly flamed, but what the 
hell. 

Marty

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
"Another beer, and then he eyes                 marty@world.std.com
The barmaid's legs and waist and thighs.        Marty Hale-Evans
'Needs to lose some weight,' he grunts,         89 Mass. Ave., Suite 199
'But just the same, I'd fuck her once.'         Boston, MA  02115
He orders pizza, buys a round,              M    @    *    O    %    8    U
Gains an appetizing pound."                \|/  \|/  \|/  \|/  \|/  \|/  \|/
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