From: pmacay@xerox.com (Pete Macay)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: long-term relationships...success sto
Date: 30 Dec 92 18:01:26 GMT
Reply-To: pmacay@xerox.com
Organization: Xerox


This is my first post to this list, hope it works.  I don't
get time to read the list very often (like once every 4 months
or so) but I did catch this thread and wanted to respond.

Tap, tap, tap, is this thing on?

I feel I'm very fortunate in that I've been in a monogamous
relationship for the last 10 1/2 years.  It all started when
I was 20.  I didn't have any experience in dating *anyone* in
my life up to that point, and had just moved to Mountain View,
California from Michigan.  Ron and I met in Gemco (something
like a KMart) in the plastics section.  "He looked at me like
he knew what I looked like without my clothes on," to steal a
quote from Scarlett in "Gone with the Wind."  The kicker was
that Ron was 45 at the time.  I've always been attracted to older
guys because of their experience and self assurance.  I like
confidence and boldness, and Ron was all of that.  He also keeps
himself in very good athletic shape, has deep blue eyes, and
IMHO is pretty damn good looking to boot.  He pursued me like
a shark after a wounded fish.  I was totally flattered and swept
off my feet.  No one had ever paid me any attention even though
I'd say I'm of average looks and keep myself in shape.  I fell
like a ton of bricks.  If love is what you want, then go for it,
stop at nothing in your pursuit.  Persistance can break down
anyone (it worked on me).

Why has it lasted?  Who knows?  But I do know that a big part of
it is that a relationship is obviously two sided.  You give a
little, you get a lot.  You compromise, you love each other,
and occasionally you lay the law down and if it's fair, you'll
both agree.  Since I was so inexperienced when I met Ron, I
think that the age difference really helped keep things together.
At the time, I was unsure and didn't even knew what a gay
relationship consisted of.  Ron knew exactly what he wanted, and
in the process taught me some real sexual acrobatics and techniques
to incredible sex.  I don't have much experience with other
partners, but I sure know that I'm very sexually satisfied and
our sex life now is better then ever.  It may not have the immediacy
of when we first met, but as our love has grown, so has the
intensity and length of the love making.  I'm a very happy camper
when it comes to our love life.

I recently saw something from Ann Landers about "12 Rules for a
Happy Marriage or Life Partnership".  When I read it, I realized
that we have been doing these things from the start of our
relationship.  I thought I'd include them because they may be
clich'es, but they really ring true.

12 Rules for a Happy Marriage or Life Partnership

1 - Never both be angry at once.

2 - Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

3 - Remember that it takes two to make an argument.  The one who
is wrong is the one who will be doing most of the talking.

4 - Yield to the wishes of the other - as an exercise in self
discipline, if you can't think of a better reason.

5 - If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate
look good - choose your mate.

6 - If you feel you must criticize, do so lovingly.

7 - Never bring up a mistake of the past.

8 - Neglect the whole world rather than each other.

9 - Never let the day end without saying at least one
complimentary thing to your life partner.

10 - Never meet without an affectionate greeting.
(this one's important)

11 - When you've made a mistake, talk it out and ask for
forgiveness.

12 - Never go to bed mad.

For me, the age difference has never been a big deal.  When
you love someone, it doesn't matter how old they are, or if
they lose their hair, teeth or figure.  Ron's given me
confidence, unending love, and a sense of purpose.  I didn't
think I was looking for those things, but they sure feel good
once you have them.

Pete's hint #1.  If you meet someone who has more money than
you, and they offer to pay for a movie, dinner, or vacation
(because you can't afford it), TAKE THEM UP ON IT.  For years
I had the breadwinner problem where I felt I had to pay for
1/2 of everything or I wouldn't do it.  I missed out on a lot
of fun because I was stubborn and didn't want anyone paying my
way.  I didn't want Ron to think I was taking advantage of
him because he made more money then I did.  Well, of course,
I've seen the error of my ways ;-) and now we pay everything
on a percentage of how much he makes compared to how much I
make.  This way it costs us both equally the same percentage
of our salaries to do things.  I think this is a really good
option as I'm still paying my fair share, but since things are
subsidized by the person who makes more, you can do a lot more
things and have a hell of a lot more fun.

Pete's hint #2.  Don't be afraid to say 'I love you.'  I'm
embarrassed to say how long it took me to say this to Ron and
I regret every day I didn't say it to him.  At the time, I just
didn't feel I knew what love was so I didn't want to say it.
But honey, I know it now.  Saying it often doesn't make it any
less effective as a way of conveying your feelings.  Say it now,
say it often, don't let a day go by without saying this to your
special someone.

By the way, even though I watch what I eat and try and be good,
when I'm in Michigan, nothing can keep me away from those 'sliders'
at White Castle.  In all other respects, I'd say I really despize
fast food but there's something about those square burgers that
drives me nuts (I think it's part nostalgia for the old days when
it was the only place open at 2:00 am when the clubs closed).

Have fun folks!

email: pmacay@xerox.com

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