From: mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: mostly good news, but a spoiler to get to it
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 09:10:08 GMT

I just made the most incredible discovery in my life...
Tonight, I was with my new friend who I thought might turn into an SO
but probably not soon because of all the issues we are both dealing
with.

Anyway, a mutual friend of ours got into a little trouble, so instead
of heading back home when I was suppose to, we RAN at FULL SPEED to
her house, found out where she was, checked on her (via computer) and
both felt much better having learned the truth.

****This next part is the sorta spoiler****
Anyway, while I was on line looking for her, I was on a chatline where
my xSO (the ass) was. He was drunk and he kept whispering to me to get
my attension. Finally, I asked if there was something I could do for
him and he said, "Yes, come give me a blowjob."
Well, I was pissed. He wrote, "I will settle for just getting laid."
I should tell you that I *know* what he said to me were lies, but his
issues and denial are too big for me to deal with. AND, I WAS NOT AND
AM NOT GOING TO DEGRADE MYSELF BY SLEEPING WITH HIM WHEN I KNOW THERE
IS MORE TO LIFE THAN THAT AND THAT I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT!
(It felt good typing that)
But it upset me. So I was sobbing (not tears... I still don't cry) and
my new friend and I sat down to talk about it. (He was great lettling
me talk about it and what was wrong with out mutual friend and it
helped a lot. 
Anyway, then it was 1 am and I was scared to ride my bike back to
Lafayette by myself. (Sometimes, I get an irrational fear of the dark.
Humf.)

So, he walked me back to Lafayette, and I borrowed my father's truck
to take him back to West Lafayette. ( about a 3 mile trek, one way.)

Anyway, during the walk, we talked about us and he told me he was
physically attracked to me, didn't want to lose me as a friend, but
didn't want more than friendship. (This guy has guts! He could tell me
this, and discuss it with me :>)

Anyway, this was not the first time I heard the "I want you but I
don't love you in *that way*" speech. In fact, it was the 10th or 11th
time... all from guys who were my friends. (most of them still are)

I started to get REALLY REALLY WORRIED. I mean, over and ove rI hear
the same thing... I want you... I love you as a friend... but I can't
love you more than that. I started thinking, "Is there something wrong
with me? Am I missing some vital part?

But I kept talking, and finally I listened to what I said. I can go
thru the motions of emotions, and I can even feel some of them now...
but I actually give off signals and phermones and whatever that say,
"I CANNOT BE LOVED.  I WILL ONLY LET YOU HAVE MY BODY, BUT YOU CANNOT
TOUCH MY SOUL"

Now, I have two feelings about this. First, I have identified a major
reason *why* I cannot really get close to people. It was a defense to
get me thru. TO save some part of myself from being contaminated by
the abuse I suffered. And, it worked to a certain extent. It was
something I *had* to do to survive. I can, at this point, as I
couldn't before, CHERRISH that about myself. I can look at that and
say, "Wow, I did it. I did something really important and really cool
to protect myself. WOw. And, now that I know it, I can find what it
is, still protect it, but open myself up.

I know it is going to take a lot of work. I am going to have to learn
how to cry and learn how to trust again. I never realized how little I
trust and how firmly ingrained not trusting went. Not sharing. But, I
*know* what is wrong. ANd now I can begin to control that part of
myself again.

I just remembered saying to a friend of mine, about 7 years ago, that
my walls were in different places, and they were so strong, no one was
going to tear them down.

How right i was.... Can you see why I am happy to finally find them?

THanks for being here....

-brandywine
Ehugs to all who can take them, and head pats for those who need a
little more distance... and if you don't want those... just kind
thoughts.