From: wayne@ita.lgc.com (Wayne McCormick)
Subject: Parody: Star Drag
Organization: Landmark/ITA Inverse Theory and Applications
Distribution: alt
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 14:23:40 GMT


I'm posting this for a friend of mine that doesn't have the ability to post.
All questions, queries, comments, and flames to climber@myra.com.

------------------- Begin included message-------------------------

Here is a parody that I wrote a REALLY long time ago during my second year
at UVIC.  Its pretty offensive so you'll have to say this three times 
before reading it: I am not in Kansas any more.

Craig

NOTE: the following groups and/or persons are likely to find the following
parody offensive (or they may find this message offensive; I believe that
every sentence ever written offends someone somewhere, including this one):
star trek fans of all types (especially trekkies), women, fans of Don
Johnson or Miami Vice, people offended by swearwords, people offended
by humor and/or puns, poets (actually, I have nothing against poetry
here but these guys are offended by everything), eco-nazis (see poets),
lovers of bouyant, semi-translucent life forms, cat haters (I love cats
so I always try to offend cat-haters), people who dislike computers
and/or technology (see cats), mexicans, fans of the Frantics (yes, they 
thought of Captain Jerk and Snotty first), and just about everybody else.  
It would even offend me if I hadn't of written it (but that's because I am 
a closet eco-nazi).  Note that there are a considerable number of typoes
and spelling mistakes throughout.  This was intentional as I am trying to
offend those weenies out there that will actually, incredibly, post a
spelling mistake flame to the MILLIONS of netnews servers out there.

So here it is: 


       ***  *****   *   ***      ****  ***    *    ***                        
      *   *   *    * *  *  *     *   * *  *  * *  *   *                  
      *       *    ***  *  *     *   * *  *  ***  *                            
       ***    *   *   * ***      *   * ***  *   * *                             
          *   *   *   * *  *     *   * *  * *   * *  **                         
      *   *   *   *   * *  *     *   * *  * *   * *   *                         
       ***    *   *   * *  *     ****  *  * *   *  ***                  

(revision 2).
                                                                              
These are the voyages of the Starship Secondprize.  Its five year mission
to seek out new life, new women and new civilizations and to boldly go 
where no man has gone before.... and live.                         

"Captain's log, stardate 2423.1231231412312, Commander Spic, first officer of 
the Secondprize, reporting.  Captains Jerk is, well, busy at the moment
so I am reporting in his absence."  Turning to the camera, Mister Spic
paused a moment to stroke the fur of his favorite cat before letting it
loose to look for mice, the presence of which is why the vessel is the second
best ship vessel in starfleet.

"Ship status is nominal.  There is a slight variation in the coolent system's
dissipation unit that resulted from the minor collision with a small 
rocky space body.  The mass of the body was twenty-thousand, seven hundred
and fifty six point two three eight kilograms.  The composition of the body
was ninety-two percent nickle, six percent-."

An angry voice camo from off the set. "We only have an hour per episode 
which equates to 18 minutes after commercials.  In addition, the vast
majority of the people watching are stupid.  Try to keep it short and
sweet, ok?"

"Sure Gene" Spic Replied.

"We" Spic continued "were circling Uranus looking for Klingons when the
navigator banged an asteroid and dented the grill.  Repairs are underway."

Suddenly, there was a commotion from the communications officer, Lieutenant
Awhora.

"Mister Spic, you really big guy, there is a distress call coming in on the
emergency channel.  Its from the pleasure planet Erotica VI.  They need
help badly."

"Gee, that's no suprise" Spic muttered under his breath.  Turning to
Awhora, Spic wondered why he was in this chicken-shit outfit.  "Route the
transmission to the sound modulators in the control center of the vessel."

Awhora looked back in confusion.  "What?" she asked as she stood up to
adjust one of the National Geographic posters adorning the upper walls
around the bridge.

"Let's hear it, and STOP calling me `big guy.`"

Seconds later, the heavily distorted transmission was heard in the bridge.

"Secondprize, Secondprize can you hear me?  Haven't *groan* much time.  All
the women, gone crazy.  All the men dead or dying.   Please, Secondprize
send h-ssscccrrreeeeeccccchh @$*)$#@& DY*#$Y*DY@DSH# DH ED*HE(O DD
in the news today Dan Quayle was caught spraying Dr. Scholl's foot spray 
into his mouth while preparing for a speech to a huge group of angry feminists.
Neaby hospitals prepared for the ensuing riot that was sure to follo-
DOIS&*#R& O*UFD*(# UD(*#& EY #HGYRGHFEF$#R$%W{()!)UWD JIHS Secondprize,
please come in.  They found me.  Nowhere to hide; nowhere to run.  I can
hear the pounding on my door now.  Help me Secondprize.  No! NO! Stay 
away! KEEP BACK, I TELL YOU! KEEP BACK!!   NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! TAKE ME I'M YOURS!!!!"
The transmission was brutally cut short. Spic reached for the intercom.

"Captain Jerk, please report to the Bridge."

A moment later, Jerk, breathing heavily, answered from another
intercom.  "What the fuck is it now, Spic?"

"Sir, there is an emergency on Erotica VI."

"Yeah, so what else is new?"

"No, sir, its real trouble.  Some of the men are actually dying."

"Again, I fail to see your point."

"It has something to do with the women going crazy."

"Well, why the hell didn't you say so?  Set course for the planet
immediately!  I will be up in a few minutes.  OWWWWWWW! Suck, Yoeman,
Suck! Blow is just an expression.  Spic, make that a couple of hours.  Jerk
out".

Spic turned to Mr. Slulu, the ship's navigator, who was at the moment
demonstrating how the solar wind flows over ones hand at warp seven 
to a pretty exchange student from Antares.

"Mr Slulu, there will none of that on duty.  Set course for the planet
Erotica VI.  Maximum warp."

Slulu, disappointed, popped the clutch, engaged the turbo and, with a
squeal of space tires and flash of special affects, the ship disappeared
into the backdrop.  

Sometime later, Jerk ented the bridge as the ship entered standard orbit
around the planet.  Looking around the bridge he began to notice that the 
male crewmembers were getting a little jumpy at the ship's proximity to one
of the greatest pleasure planets in the universe.  

"Hmmmm, we must be getting close to the planet.  Report!" he snapped.  

Spic, with a kitten on his shoulder batting at the points of his ears, said
"We are in orbit around Erotica VI.  Male crewmember tension is at an all
time high.  The cold water supply is at an all time low."

"Good.  Perhaps when are finished with this adventure we can dig into some
serious shore leave."  There were cheers from the some of the crewmembers.
All that could be heard from lieutenant Awhora was a small 'harumph.'

Jerk fingered the intercom.  "Yo, bones, time for a nice trip down to the
planet."

Immediately, there was an angry response.  "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW?!?
HUH?!?  OFF ON AN ANOTHER ADVENTURE BOINKING SILLY GREEN WOMEN?  I HAVE
WORK TO DO!  WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT POINTY EARED, GREEN BLOODED GALOOT
WITH YOU INSTEAD!"

"But Doctor," came the soothing reply, "he is already coming with us.
Besides, what would we do without your witty repartee whereever we went?"

"GODDAMNIT, JIM!  I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TRUNDLING AROUND THE PLANET! 
BESIDES, ISN'T THERE SOME KIND OF RULE ABOUT EMPTYING THE BRIDGE TO GO
DOWN TO DANGERO-"  *click*

Jerk moved towards the turbo-lift.  Spic, lets go, big guy."  Spic was 
starting to get pissed off.

McCoy was already ready to go when they entered the transporter room,
grumbling loudly.   With him were two red-shirted security guards who 
Jerk had never seen before.  Snotty, the chief engineer and fall guy for 
any evil women they encounter, was already at the controls.

"Ok, lets get this show on the road.  Snotty, engergize"

Snotty rushed up with tears in his eyes. "But, Cap'n.  Dinna go to planet
its too dangerous.  You MIGHT BE KILLED, MAN!"

"Gee Snotty," said  Jerk "your concern for my health is admirable but we should
leave someone up here to pretend they are in command. Besides, its only a
pleasure planet covered with 30 000 000 naked women."

"Actually, there are 32 132 142.12312 women to be exact, captain."
corrected Spic.

"Fuck off, Spic.  Anyways Snotty, it could even be a lot of fun with the
right frame of mind and some caffeine pills."

Snotty then pulled a phaser and aimed at Jerk's head.  "What I meant, sir,
if y'dinna take me wit you, I'm a gonna have to atomize your face."

"Oh," replied Jerk, "Well, in that case, you can come along if you want"
Moments later, with a flash of special effects that still look better than
the modern ones, the crew disappeared.

The materialized in the liveliest section of the planet's capital, Funcity.  

Seconds after they materialized, an eight foot tall, grey monster with 
a slick, narrow head and slobbering, drawer-like ejector jaws jumped 
out of a shadow with incredible speed.  It was over the two security 
guards before they could even think of drawing their weapons.  With 
limbs moving too fast to see and with irresistable strength, the monster tore
the two guards to shreds in a fraction of a second.  Spic and Snotty turned
just in time to get a faceful of guts and blood from the attack.  Somehow,
Jerk did not get any of this treatment but, for some reason, his tunic was
torn.

With its grisly work complete, the monster stood slowly and faced the
frozen party who were too stunned to draw their weapons.  Just as the
monster began to move forward it stopped and looked at the crewmembers in
confusion.  Reaching into its pocket, the monster drew its copy of of the
script and looked it over, straightened and looked around at the city, the
shocked and stunned cameramen and the gaffer who got a mouthful of the guard's
brains.  It then looked again at the script, put it away, mumbled "sorry"
and trundled off the set, dripping gore every centimetre of the way.

Spic cocked one eyebrow and muttered "Fascinating."

Jerk, with casual nonchelance, turned away from the scene.  "Now that we
have got that out of the way, we can get on with the adventure."  Stopping,
he looked around.  "Hmmmmm," mused Jerk "we should have been propositioned at 
least eight times by now." Spinning on his heels with the practiced bravado 
of one born to lead he turned to his science officer.  "Give me a reading, 
big guy."

The science officer pulled out his tricorder and began to take
measurements. Its irritating sound effect drifted through the empty streets
which pissed Spic off even more.

"Captain!" he called out.

"Yo, what ya got there, big guy?"

"I have detected the body of a lifeform 23.121724587 metres away, aziumth
27.   It appears to be a human male, weight 79.1241231513423 kilograms and
it appears he was a caucasian.  He seemed to have some kind of social
problem that I cannot fathom and there is a large concentration of
patroleum grease on or near his head.  He also appears-"

"That's enough, Spic.  Let's go check it out, I'm beginning to get kind of
bored."

They approached the motionless form.  The body was a man wearing an
expensive, trendy suit and he had a peculiar look on his face that looked
like a combination of sheer terror and overwhelming pleasure.  The captain,
of course, recognized him immediately.

"Hey, that's one of my old academy mates, John Donson.  Bones, I want an
autopsy."

The doctor bent to examine the shrivled form.  "OH MY GOD, JIM! THIS MAN HAS 
BEEN FUCKED TO DEATH!!!!!"

"Is there anything you can do to save him?"

"DAMMIT, JIM.  I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MAGICIAN!!!!"

"Oh well.  He was a greasy asshole anyways.  Hold on, guys, I want to pay
my last respects."  Jerk paused a moment to urinate on the body.  After a
moment of consideration, he spoke a few words of rememberance to his old
academy mate."

"Sionara, Sucker.  Hey, maybe if we're lucky we can find the body of his
egomaniac buddy, Sbbut."

"Captain!  There is lifeform approaching.  I roughly estimate that in
approximately 18.12312412471827 seconds it will come around that corner."

"Quick, take cover!" ordered Jerk.

They dived behind a rubber planet, a lifeform unique to the Erotica System,
and, wide-eyed, observed an incredibly beautiful green-skinned women armed
only with herself and clad in a stainless-steel battle bikini slink around
the corner.  She had a mean looking two-handed feather strapped across her back.
For once the doctor was speechless.  Spic Fainted.

"Holy Shit" muttered the engineer, "A lassie like that ought to be illegal.
Permission to boink her, SIR!"

"Put your eyes back in their sockets and pick up your tongues, gentlemen. I
believe this is my territory."

Putting on an expression that could charm all seven socks off a Denebian
Slime Devil, Jerk called out.  "Hey, bitch, got a name?"

With a bloodcurdling sigh, the woman turned to face the captain.  Figuring
an easy kill, she heaved her chest and gave him both barrels.  Unprepared
for this frighteningly sensuous attack, Jerk was hurled meters back into a
wall behind him, again tearing his tunic.  Sluggishly, he recovers while
the green woman moves in for the kill.

"Fuck, I am may actually work up a sweat with this one."  He flexed his
biceps at her.  

The woman stopped, aghast with this unexpected counter-attack.  She
responded by gyrating her hips and gave him the old one-two.  Jerk grunted as
each of the moves strike him.  He smiled and alternately raises and lowers
his eyebrows at her.  Sensing the attack, she fell on her behind as a
defensive maneuver and Jerk's attack had little effect.  Suddenly, she
pulled out a device (from where no one knows) which, when activated, turns
all of the stainless steel articles on a person transparent.  Knowing he
would be out-lust if she succeeded, Jerk switched to a verbal strategy.

"How's about you an me get together for some heavy breathing?"

The woman was violently thrown back onto her cute little ass and the device
went flying.  For a moment there is silence but Jerk sucked in his gut and
there is an almost audible snap as the tension is broken.  The woman,
defeated, crawls toward him to end up sobbing at his feet.  The captain
almost staggers.  There is a moan behind him as Spic started to come
around.  

"Doctor, is he going to live?  He's the best srtaight man I ever had.
Besides, he still owes me money for a bet he lost on out last adventure."

"OF COURSE HE'S GONNA LIVE!!!  WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A NINCOMPOOP?
HOW CAN YOU KILL AN EMOTIONLESS, COLD BLOODED COMPUTER?!?!?!?!? ITS GOT TO
BE THAT GREEN BLOOD OF HIS!!!!  HIS HEART IS WHERE HIS LIVER IS SUPPOSED TO
BE AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LIVER!!!!!"

"I am sure the captain is aware of my organic makeup, doctor.  Besides, the
witches brew made with ichor of newt's eyes that I am sure you use would
probably make me want to go out and smell some flowers."

"WHY YOU INHUMAN, GREEN BLOODE-"

Jerk jumped betweem the two.  "Will you two shut the fuck up!  Your going
to attract every native with a hundred kilometers of here, not that I would
really object to such a thing, though.  Besides, we have to interrogate the
prisoner."

At this the engineer steps up eagerly.  "Can I questions her?
Canicanicanicani?  Please, oh pretty please! It would be such fun!"

"Sorry, Snotty, but being the captain does have its advantages."  He swept
the woman into his arms with a flourish seen only in the sixties and
carried her off into a nearby building.  The engineer started to sweat
profusely.  Sometime later the captain emerged with a puzzled look on his
face.

"Strange, I can't get anything out of her.  She seems to have completely
blanked out."

Spic considered a moment.  "I doubt you sensual combat could have put her
into such a catalepsy.  I suggest that she may be influenced by forces that
are not readily apparent."

"You may be right, whatever it is that you said.  Spic, its time for your
famous Vulcan mind meld.  The sooner we solve this mystery, the sooner we
can get down to some serious shore leave."

"I believe I can manage it, captain."

They entered the building to find the woman had been strapped to a bed with
Federation issue 'Interrogate Female Prisoner' fur-lined handcuffs.  It was
Spic's turn to start sweating.

Slowly, he approached the woman who was apparently oblivious to what was
going on.  In the background, someone began to play the 'Vulcan mind meld
theme' on a base guitar.  Jerk made a mental note to ask Gene to get a
mixer.  As Spic came closer, he began to see images in his mind.  He made
contact.

"Spic, that's not quite her face.  Her cheeks, maybe, but not her face."

"Sorry, captain.  I let my Mexican side get the best of me."

"No!" he continued as he gripped her face. "No, they are coming closer,
CLOSER!  So little time.  No where to run!  Must hide!  They see me! Oh
shit!  Keep away!  KEEP AWAY!!!  NNNOOOOOO!  AARRRRRGGGHHHH!!"  Spic was
suddenly thrown back on his ass with a frantic expression on his face. 
"Captain! This is most fascinating!"

"What is it, Spic?  What did you learn?  What's the matter?  Do you have
the money you owe me?"

"Most amazing, captain, OB DOES make a better tampon."

"No, you big dummy, what about the women?  What has been making them go
like that?"

"Oh, that!  Well, it appears they were invaded by millions of semi-boyant,
self-propelled, semi-translucent protoplasmic life forms bent on
establishing a glactic-wide symbiosis starting with the inhabitants of this
planet.  The invaders became fascinated by human sexual practices and
decided to set up base here and make their hosts screw everything in
sight."

"That would explain everything" replied Jerk.  "Now, what does that mean
for us without eight or nine degrees?"

"Oh, well, they've been taken over by millions of horny, flying plastic
pukes."

"Much better.  Bones, I want you to examine her and see if there is a way
of curing the affliction.  If its not, there may be a way for us to make a
whole pile of money with this"

"DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR NOT A DOCT-  OH, ALL RIGHT!"

"Bones, why do you have to yell all the time?"

"DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT AN ACTOR!!!"

"Yeah, right.  Well, go to it.  Snotty, Spic, lets see if we can snag one of
them suckers to take back to the ship."

Wandering around, the crew members came across several of the disgusting
little critters on the underside of a staircase.  

"Excellent" said Jerk "lets see if we can stun one of them pukey little
things."  Standing line abreast, the three crewmembers approached the
aliens.  With hands poised to their sides, they prepared to quick-draw
their phasers and let them have it.  Normally, one guy would simply wander up
and blast one with a phaser but this way they get to placate the producers
who wanted this to be a 'space western.'  

Standing stone-still with they eyes locked onto the aliens and their
hands out to their sides over their weapons, the party waited for the
captain's signal.  A slight wind whipped up and a tumbleweed bounced by.

"DRAW!" ordered the captain.

With practiced skill, they draw their four phasers (Spic carried two) and
started blasting away.  A moment later, they stopped firing and observed
the results.  They aliens appeared to be unharmed.  

"GOD I love firing these things!  Its almost better than sex.  Waitaminute!
Wow, tough little bastards!" observed the captain.  "Put phasers on 'nuke' and
we'll try again."  They fired and one of the critters fell to the ground
with a plop.  They approached and examined it closely.  It pulsated
and slime slowly oozed out several pores along its upper surface.

"EEewwwww, YUCK! Ugly little fuckers" said the captain.  Reaching down with
a pointy piece of glass, he jabbbed it and stuck it into a container Spic
had produced.  "Let's go and disect this thing.  Hey, Snotty, you bring the
BarB-Q sauce?" Jerk asked with a chuckle.  Snotty paused a moment to barf
on Spic's shoes.  

As they turned to leave, one of the critters detached itself and flew through
the air and landed with a splat on Spic's back.  "AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH" he
screamed as he fell unconcious.

"YOU FUCKERS!!!" screamed the captain.  Picking up Spic's phasers, the crew
set them to 'erradicate with extreme predjudice' and blasted away at
the structure.  With chunks of concrete flying in all directions, they
fired until their phasers were drained leaving a smoking flat area where
the building had once stood.  Once the sneers had left their faces, they
turned to examine Spic who, sickeningly, had turned a dark mauve color.

"Jerk to Secondprize"

"We are awaiting orders, captain" came the immediate reply.

"Three to beam up.  Have an emergency medical team waiting for us when we
arrive."

"You got it, you big sir, you."  The crew members disappeared.

Sometime later, Jerk was waiting on the bridge for word from the doctor
about his friend.  

"Captain" came the voice of the doctor, "I think I have solved the
problem."

"Well, lay it on me, bones."

"Funny you should put it that way, captain.  It appears that all that is
required to remove the influence of the critters is prolonged sexual
contact with a member of the opposite sex."

"You mean to say that ordinary nookie will cure Spic?"

"That's right"

Immediately after that statement, there was a sudden BOOM sound and a
powerful whoosh of air.  Jerk turned to see that where Nurse Chapel had been
standing all that remained was her tunic and underclothes.  Jerk reacted
instantly.  "SLULU, seal of sections 13a through 47b.  We have got to stop
her before she reaches Spic.  Security!" he screamed into the intercom
"Meet me at sickbay immediately!"  Jerk launched himself into the
turbo-lift.  Unless something was done soon, Spic was going to lose it.

On the way down he received reports of the running battle being fought
between the security crewmembers and the rampaging nurse.  The battle was
being lost and there was heavy casualties on the security side.  Moments
after, the ship started to shake and shudder.  "Damn" Jerk swore. "She made
it to sickbay!"

Snotty's desperate voice came through the intercom.  "Cap'n! The engines
cinna take much more of dis!"

"DAMMIT, SNOTTY!  We need more power!  Hey, wait a minute, we're in orbit.
Oh, fuck off Snotty!"

The turbo-lift doors swished open.  Jumping over the torn and twisted bodies 
of his former security men, Jerk rushed into sickbay.  In the corner sat 
Bones, his eyes wide with terror.  A strong foul haze hung in the air.  Jerk 
feared the worst.  Running to the bed, his worst fears were realized.  Spic
was laid.

"Fuckin, eh" said Spic around six or seven cigarettes.  "And you get paid
for doing this?"

"Damn! I'm going to be negotiating with the producers for months, now." he
said to himself.  Out loud, he feigned concern for his friend.  "Spic,
you're awake!  What happened?"

"Well," came the dreamy reply as he looked deep into the nurse's eyes, "It
appears the alien infection has left me."

"What? I don't understand.  What about the people on the planet?  The first
time they raped someone while under control of the aliens wouldn't they 
regain control of themselves?"

"No captain.  The aliens have set up a large base that generates a field of
control along the surface of the planet.  That's why our prisoner that you
captured did not regain control after your, er, questioning."

"Ok.  So, where's this control center?"

"Here, captain." Spic pointed at a city on a convenient viewscreen nearby
when they had returned to the bridge.

"All weapons locked on to that city and ready to fire, SIR!" beamed
checkitoff who stood ready to pounce upon the controls.

"Negative, Checkitoff!  I am going to beam down to that city and try to
negotiate with them critters."

There was a long, drawn-out silence from the bridge crew as they stared in
shock at their captain.  Seeing their confusion, he cocked his head subtley
towards Gene who stood off the set.  Understanding suddenly dawned on the
crewmembers as they turned to their controls.

Jerk turned to Spic.  "I am going to go in alone.  I want you to monitor me
at all times and beam me up if necessary.  Checkitoff, keep the weapons
trained on that city, we may have to fire at a moments notice."  He strutted
off the bridge as the crew looked on in awe and admiration.

Moments later he appeared inside a dark, gloomy looking city,  There was no
one in sight.  Looking around he saw that the tallest building in the city
was covered with alien growth.  He approached it as this must be the center
of the aliens intelligence.  He was moving down an alley when he saw a
large group of alien controlled women rush towards him, bent on his death.
Looking, he saw that Gene had gone to the washroom, drew his phaser set on
'fry' and mowed down the whole lot.  He rushed on towards the building.

When Jerk was near the building, he saw the several women were waiting for
him but, remarkably, he was able to enter without being attacked.  Deep
inside the building, the lights had turned a deep red and there was a
contstant thrumming sound, much like a heartbeat.  After traversing several
rooms, he entered a vast cavern.  The walls were lined with millions of the
aliens who were connected with a vast array of tentacles and veins making
the room look as if it were alive.  Jerk tried to commuicate.

"Me Jim Jerk.  Me travel many moons and over high mountains and across
great river to pow-wow with you." As jerk spoke, he made motions with his
hands that were, supposedly, meant to allow the alien to undestand him.
Normally, if he talked louder, it usually worked.

"We can understand you, you dork.  There's no need to pantomine like some
low grade actor from Bonanza."  Jerk looked away in anger.  "You can do
nothin to stop us, human!  Soon we will control the entire galaxy!"  Jerk
looked on in confusion.  "Yes!" screamed the aliens.  "We will soon leave
this planet a spread out spoor over the galaxy.  None will stand before
us!  Only moments from now we will have enough energy to lift off and 
spread like a plague!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

Jerk reached for his communicator.  "SPIC, SPIC, BEAM ME UP!"

"Your pitiful little toy will not work, human.  You will soon be ours to
control!"

Looking around, Jerk saw that a multitude of women were moving towards him.
"Well, I suppose if I'm going to go, this is the way."  The crowd of women
split and from their midst strode a 7 foot tall Russion Female Shot Putter.
Jerk screamed in terror and fired his weapon indiscriminantly.

Seeing a part in the crowd, Jerk dove through it and rushed to escape the
building.  As he left, he looked back and saw that the entire building was
beginning to shudder and slowly lift off the ground.  He looked around and
saw that he was completely surround.  With a swish, a hundred feathers were
drawn at once.  He reached again for his now-functioning communicator.

"They are coming closer, Secondprize.  TARGET ALL WEAPONS ON THIS LOCATION
AND FIRE!"

"But, captain, you'll be exterminated!"

"DO IT!!"

Spic turned to Checkitoff.  "F-"

Needing no further prompting, Mister Checkitoff, drooling, stabbed the controls.
Instantly, a barrage of photons torpedoes and heavy phasers showered down 
directly onto Jerk's position.  With a bright flash and a ground 
rumbling explosion heard even from orbit the entire city and surrounding
countryside was vaporized.  A gigantic smoking crater 50 kilometers
across that was slowly filling with lava was all that remained.  Jerk managed 
to jump clear just in time.

Looking back at the devastation, Jerk had a face full of satisfaction.
Wiping off his tunic, which was clean all of a sudden, he fired up his
communicator.  "Jerk to Secondprize"

"Captain, you big lug, you're alive!" exclaimed lieutenant Awhora.

"That's right.  Now listen carefully.  I want to implement the Doctor's
cure for the people of this planet immediately.  I want all male
crewmembers to report to the planet's surface in shifts and I want all
female crewmembers to start making coffee."

"Is there anything else?" asked Awhora with a growl.

"Yes, pipe this to the rest of the ship."  There a click sound followed a
short moment of consideration by the captain.  Lifting the communicator
close, he shouted "SHORE LEAVE!!!!"


                                da end


-------------------------End included message----------------------------------

Enjoy!

--
Wayne McCormick                  | Landmark/ITA, Inverse Theory & Applications
wmccormick@ita.lgc.com           | Calgary, Alberta, Canada  
                                 | Phone:(403) 269-4669