From: figmo@borland.com (Lynn Gold)
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Organization: The Burn the Candle at Both Ends Club
Distribution: world,soc
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 00:39:48 GMT

In article <75nG027bc0Nq00@amdahl.uts.amdahl.com> jsp@pls.amdahl.com writes:
>rnjx@vax5.cit.cornell.edu writes:
>
>}The question is this.  Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
>}try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
>}that you may start one with her/him?  Under what circumstances?  How about
>}pursuing someone who's engaged?  Where do you all draw the line?  If it isn't
>}O.K., would you still do it anyway?
>
>No.  Unequivocally it is never, ever ok.  If you know that the other person
>is in a relationship, then you are scum if you lift one little finger to
>try to damage or break up that relationship.  Obviously, if you don't know 
>that a person is involved, you aren't doing anything bad by wooing someone
>whom you think is unattached.  But the second you find out otherwise, you'd
>better back off entirely.

I went through this one.

I'd been going out with a guy for almost four years (3 years, 9 months).  As
far as I knew, everything was okay in the relationship.  He said nothing to
me to lead me to believe anything was wrong.

As far as dating, etc., outside the relationship went, the agreement we made
was that we could do it, but we had to be honest and open about it.  No
screwing around behind the back stuff.

Anyhow, one Wednesday I was walking back from dinner with a female friend.
The conversation ran like this:

Me: Ed's the first guy I've ever really been this comfortable with.
Her: I thought you and Ed were no longer an item.
Me: That's news to me!
Her: I could've SWORN you told me THAT!
Me: I never said any such thing.
Her: Well, maybe HE...

She stopped short of saying the obvious "Well, maybe HE said that."

After a very lovely evening, Ed was acting very funny.  I asked him to stick
around and chat (I believe in communication).

Somehow it comes out in this conversation that:

1. He hadn't considered us to be a "couple" since the previous August (this
   was late July!).
2. He admitted to having never indicated this to me.
3. He'd slept with another woman, but wouldn't tell me who or when, saying
   it was "none of [my] business."  (Yeah.  Right.)

I'd decided I'd had enough, and that I didn't want to perpetuate a
relationship that wasn't there.

I found out the "who" and at least one "when" from The Other Woman -- in
email, and ONLY after I'd confronted her (and yes, it was the gal in the
previous conversation)!

It was a good thing I DID find out, too -- I caught something from her.
So much for it being "none of my business."

Knowing when they "did it" at least gave me some point to guesstimate an
incubation period so I could get tested for AIDS; a) she's also rather
hedonistic and indiscreet when it comes to chosing sexual partners; I had
no way of knowing who-all-else she'd humped, and b) I have no way of knowing
he wasn't lying about having not slept around before he'd slept with her.

This did a number on what little self-esteem I had.  I WISH he'd at least
have had the decency to say "this isn't working for me; I want out."  I had
no reason to wish to try to trap him in something that wasn't working for
him; I'd already paid good money to be single.  Even though I'm now going
out with someone with whom I have a MUCH better relationship, whenever I see
those two together, I feel like a total loser.

Even worse, neither of them has ANY sense of guilt for having deceived me;
in fact, SHE still tries to make like we're good friends after showing me
how little she valued my friendship with her.  To make matters worse, some
people who were friends of both Ed and me have chosen to snub me from social
events, apparently thinking we can't be in the same room together.  (We in
fact have been to several of the same events; no fights or scenes have
ensued.  *I*, at least, care about how my friends feel.)

Anyhow, the point I'm trying to make is that it's VERY wrong to sneak in and
break up a relationship.  Honesty is always the best policy all around; that
way, nobody gets hurt.  The only time honesty doesn't apply is when you're
physically trapped (such as I was when I was married to a physically abusive
guy).

--Lynn
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.couples,soc.singles