From: ara@cbnews.cb.att.com (a.r.adolt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Snake jokes puh-lease!
Date: 2 Sep 92 16:19:59 GMT
Article-I.D.: cbnews.1992Sep2.161959.13259
Organization: AT&T

In article <harris.714719568@drvax3> harris@drvax3.msfc.nasa.gov (Mitch Harris) writes:
>Could y'all please post any snake jokes? Thanks!
>
>--
>Mitch Harris                           |  New Technology Inc.
>(205)-544-2846                         |  700 Boulevard South, #401
>drvax3!harris@freedom.msfc.nasa.gov    |  Huntsville, AL  35802
>

OK - here are four old jokes about snakes:
------------------------------------------

#1
What goes:
HISSS...KA-NOP
HISSS...KA-NOP
HISSS...KA-NOP

              answer-
                      (two snakes playing ping-pong)  
----------------------------------------
#2
The challenge is to tell the following story in front of a large group 
of mixed company (after a couple of drinks).....

Once upon a time Mrs. Snake's children were playing in their cave.  They
were hissing and hissing and having a grand time.  Mrs. Snake had a
terrible headache and told her children that she was going to lie down
in her bed for awhile and asked them to play quietly.  Mrs. Snake's
children were good little snakes and they promised to be quiet.  So, they
hissed and hissed and played quietly for awhile.  But, as all children
are apt to do, their hissing and hissing got louder and louder and 
Mrs. Snake could not get to sleep and her headache got worse and worse.
Mrs. Snake crawled out of bed, went to her children, and told them their
hissing and hissing was much too loud.  She asked them to go outside to
hiss and hiss in the pit in front of their cave - and to hiss and hiss
in the pit quietly, so she could get some rest and get over the headache.
Being good little snakes they crawled into the pit and hissed and hissed
quietly - for awhile.  But, children being children, the hissing and
hissing in the pit got louder and louder and Mrs. Snake could not get
to sleep nor get over her headache.  Mrs. Snake came outside to the pit
where the children were hissing and hissing and told them their hissing
and hissing in the pit was much too loud.  She told them that she wanted
them to go next door to Mrs. Pott's pit and ask her if they could hiss
in her pit until the headache was gone.  So, the little snakes went to
Mrs. Pott's pit and hissed and hissed until Mrs. Pott came to the pit
to see what all of the hissing was about.  When she saw all of 
Mrs. Snake's children hissing and hissing in her pit, she was a bit
annoyed and asked them why they were hissing and hissing in her pit
when they had a perfectly good pit of their own to hiss in.  And the
children told her that their mother had a headache and wanted to know
if it would be all right for them to hiss in Mrs. Pott's pit for awhile.
Mrs. Pott said it would NOT be all right and they should go hiss and hiss
in their own pit.  So, the little snakes went back to hiss and hiss in
their own pit - but, very quietly.  And, after awhile their hissing
and hissing in their pit got louder and louder and woke their mother.
Mrs. Snake came to the pit to find her children hissing and hissing in
their pit and asked them why they were hissing and hissing in their pit
when she had asked them to go next door to hiss and hiss in Mrs. Pott's
pit so she could get some rest and get over her headache.  The children
told their mother they had gone next door to hiss and hiss in Mrs. Pott's
pit but she told them they could NOT  hiss and hiss in her pit since they
had a perfectly good pit of their own to hiss and hiss in.  And
Mrs. Snake said, "Why the nerve of Mrs. Pott.  I can remember when
Mrs. Pott didn't have a pit to hiss in."
----------------------------------------
#3 (and very old)
A man ran through the village yelling "the viper is coming - the viper
is coming" and everyone took cover.
After a while a man with a large bucket came walking into the village.
A bold man stepped out and said, "We were told that the viper is coming - 
                                  have you seen the viper?"
stranger: "But, of course.  I am the viper.  
           I haf come to vipe your vindows."
----------------------------------------
#4
Some soldiers were being prepared for a practice landing on
a tropical island.  They were told that when the LST stopped,
they were to get into the water quickly, wade ashore, run up the
beach to the edge of the jungle, hit the ground, crawl 100 yards
into the jungle, and dig a foxhole (three men to a foxhole, as
assigned).

They were also warned that the major danger they might encounter
was a poisonous snake.  This snake is so deadly that it has no
natural enemies and , therefore, will not run when encountered.
It is easily identifiable by its orange and black markings.

The soldiers were instructed that if thy should come upon one of
these snakes they should:
a) grab the tail end of the snake with the left hand
b) place the right hand around the snake in front of the left
   hand with the right thumb pointed toward the snake's head
c) while holding the tail end firmly with the left hand, quickly
   slide the right hand up the body of the snake until the right
   thumb is directly over the snakes head
d) forcefully bend the right thumb downward to break the snake's
   spine where it attaches to the head.
This will kill the snake instantly.

All went well for the landing, the charge up the beach, and the
movement into the jungle.

At one foxhole site, two men were starting to dig a foxhole and
wondering what had happened to their other partner.  Off to
their left they heard - screaming, thrashing of the underbrush,
groans ------ but, before they could move out to investigate,
their partner came staggering towards them.  His uniform was in
shreds.  He was covered with blood.  His eyes were glazed.  When
he got to the foxhole he fell to the ground and stared in the
direction he had come from.

His partners were so shocked they could only blurt out --
"What happened ?"

The bloody soldier took a deep breath and said:
"I hit the beach, ran to the edge of the jungle, hit the ground,
and started crawling into the jungle.  After about 10 yards I saw
an orange and black snake ---- right in front of me.  I grabbed 
its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand
above my left hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my
right hand up the body of the snake.  When I reached the head of
the snake I flicked my right thumb down to break the snake's
spine ......... (--long sigh--).....................

Did you ever goose a tiger ?"
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