From: anon-1515@twwells.com (Aardvark)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Krikket's disturbing experience (was: Re: Night Terrors)
Date: 25 Jan 93 06:13:40 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Krikket writes:
>After this had happened several times, I almost completely fell asleep.  I was
>laying on my side, almost in a near fetal position.  (Coincidence there, not
>reason for it.)  Devin entered the room, and decided to curl up to me spoon
>fashion, with me behind him.  Fortunately his rump only came partway down my
>chest (4 year olds are small kids, remember!).  I say fortunately because
>*SPROING*, I got an instant hard-on.  Feeling REAL DISGUSTED at myself, I
>disengaged, and lay down on my back, and it went away.  Devin never knew I had
>that reaction (thank god(dess)!!!)  I still feel real sick when I realize that
>my body found something exciting in that.  I am not, and never will be a child
>molester.  The thought makes me sick!  But the body still reacted.  Now I am
>confused as to WHY that happened, and just feeling disgusted at myself.

Relax, Krikket.  Though I can understand why you'd be alarmed.

I was browsing through the $1 book box in front of a local used 
bookstore this afternoon, and I came across a copy of 
_By_Silence_Betrayed_ which is an interesting tome about sexual abuse.  
I bought it (hey the price was right) and spent most of this afternoon 
and evening reading it.  And there was a passage talking about why/how 
incest can get started between parents and adolescent children.

It said (I'll try to reconstruct as best I can but I don't have it in 
front of me): "if a father accidentally catches sight of his daughter's 
breasts and is aroused, and is alarmed by his reaction, this is normal. 
 However, if he starts finding excuses to come into her room when she 
might be dressing _in_order_ to see her breasts, that's not normal."

Basically, we can't all determine what's going to turn us on.  But we 
can determine our reactions to those things.  Which you did. So don't 
blame yourself for your hardon.  I think we all recognize you aren't a perp.

I used to babysit a mentally handicapped kid when I was a teen.  This 
was a few years after my abuse had ended.  She was three when I started 
sitting for her and five or six when I stopped.  She couldn't really 
talk all that well or at least not coherently.  And on one occasion 
after I gave her a bath she didn't want to get dressed.  She ran around 
the apartment with no clothes on and it was warm so I figured this was 
okay.  She asked me to read her a story so I'm sitting with this naked, 
can't-talk little kid and it occurred to me just how easily something 
warped could happen.  I didn't want to, you understand.  And I didn't 
try--and wouldn't ever.  But I realized the potential of situations.

It was scary--as I hear you saying--kind of like holding a loaded 
pistol in my hand and thinking, "I could kill myself/someone else with 
this." (not would, just could)

Made me think of my perps too...how they must (might) have felt that 
scared feeling and yet still decided to see what they could get away 
with...irresponsible bastards...

Actually, they've been on my mind anyway...I've been trying to write a 
confrontational letter to them--it's homework from my therapy--it isn't 
going well.  Even though I know I won't send it I can't write it.  
Major avoidance.

Sigh.
Aardvark



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