From: ssalter@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (-=[SLS]=-)
Subject: Re: New in Recovery, need words on relatioships
Organization: OFSA
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 20:27:02 GMT

heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) asks:

>relationship. I know, I know, I know. I've heard it before "You should
>really avoid starting relationships early in recovery because you'll
>be experiencing a lot of raw feelings you've never dealt with before.
>You need to have a strong foudnation in sobriety first. etc., etc., ad
>nauseum.

Good words there...I didn't listen to them at about 7 months
sober...wish I had.

>	Yet, I'm also afraid that if I jump on this opportunity I
>might miss out on something good (and I'm not convinced that the
>chance will come back around again). I dunno. I've always been

You are young, 23 years old. You have LOTS of time, Terrance. You are
going to miss out on nothing. 

>	But I'm afraid to put my sobriety at risk this early on. I'm

That is the most important line in this whole post of yours. Do you
want to risk your sobriety? 

Time to share: I was around seven months or maybe it was nine months,
I don't remember precisely. I went through a lot of changes in those
few months. More changes than I had been through for 17 years. I
learned to FEEL again! It was fantastic and it was so full of life and
... well, it was just damned incredible. I had both laughed more than
I had in 17 years during those few short months and I had cried more.
I had done some amazing things during that time. I felt like a real
person again.

	I also made one of those major decisions that I was advised
not to..I got divorced at about 10 months sober. That decision was
good...it would have happened anyway but it wouldn't have hurt to let
another few months go by. Regardless, I did it. I also got into a
relationship with a woman immediately. In fact, she and I had been
developing this relationship for a couple months on the net and
largely due to her encouragement I pushed to get the divorce finished
with as soon as possible. You see, Terrance, I was rather desperate
for a healthy, loving relationship. I had been in this dysfunctional
marriage for almost 17 years and I found what I thought to be the
perfect healthy relationship. So...I disregarded what my friends and
my sponsor told me and got divorced and just jumped into this other
relationship. BIG mistake # 1....hoo boy, what a mistake.

	Without going into any real details, it was just as sick and
dysfunctional as my previous marriage and I only found it out in the
nick of time. I didn't marry her at least...I managed to truly see
what was going on finally...after about eight months of things getting
worse and worse. I was horrified to see what our "relationship"
consisted of when viewed in clear, clean light of reason and not
muddled with fantasy.

	So, I went through several months after that where I just
didn't trust myself, my feelings, etc etc...I was really in bad shape.
I don't know why I never did relapse into alcohol again..just figured
things were bad enough as they were and I didn't need anything to make
it worse, I suppose.

	There is a really GOOD reason for that old benchmark of 1 year
before any major decisions. During that first year of sobriety you are
learning to be human again. You are learning to trust yourself and
others. You are learning to FEEL again. It is so very, very dangerous
to ignore that particular bit of advice. Emotions are incredibly
powerful and you would do yourself an immense favor if you just
WAIT...be patient. You have time...plenty of time.

	I won't repeat that old line, you have heard it a lot already.
I will just pass on what my sponsor told me that I ignored. He said
"Two halves don't make a whole". You have to find yourself and become
a *whole* within yourself before you can have a real relationship..one
that will last. Learn who you are and love yourself...then look out to
learn about and love others.

	
Steve