From: rjchou@oakhill.sps.mot.com (Ri Jen Chou)
Subject: experiences of a gay AA, part 6
Organization: Motorola Inc., Austin, Texas
Distribution: na
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 17:50:08 GMT


Todd VI

Now I know what it feels like to wake up with someone I love in my arms.
The next few days were like a dream.  Although neither one of us talked
about  what  happened  that night, I felt we had a mutual understanding;
I had expressed my feelings to Todd and he understood. I felt closer to
him  than  ever before,  freer  to  hug  him,  to touch him.  And he ac-
cepted it!  His response  wasn't  exactly  overwhelming  but   I   felt
warmth   and encouragement.  Happy me!  But there was still a discon-
certing feeling of uncertainty, a lurking tension from not knowing for
sure *what* Todd felt for me.   I chose to ignore it, though, in  favor
of the  happiness  of  *thinking* that my love had been acknowledged,
and accepted in his quiet, understated way.

A few days later my friend Nancy called from California.  She is my
closest woman  friend,  a  remarkable  friend  I've known since jr. high
school. She  is  the  woman  who  knows  me  the  best,  the  one  who
understands the most about my past, my family, my passions and torments.
She is intelligent, patient, insightful, and encouraging.  What more can
I ask  for in a friend?  I could talk about anything with her (except my
gay feelings at that time). We had a long talk that evening, mostly
about  what's going on in our lives, about what was making us happy or
sad.  We discussed  problems I was having with my mother (so what else
is new?).  Nancy was having problems with her parents, too, so that was
a major point of empathy and discussion.  The words we both used cen-
tered on feelings, the validity of *our* feelings and ideals, *our* emo-
tions and rationales in contrast and in conflict with  those  of  our
parents.  The basis of our problems stemmed from the desire for  accep-
tance  and  independence.   Interesting.   I wanted  to  tell  her
about  Todd,  about  what I felt for him, about falling asleep with him
in my arms, but I couldn't.  I didn't dare.  I *did*  tell  her  that
he  and  I  were  getting  along  just fine as roommates, and that we
were spending a lot of time  together.  And   I mentioned  that  we both
fell asleep while watching my fish one night.  I don't know why I told
her that; I guess  I  wanted  to  tell  her  a *little*  of  what  I
felt.   I  was very careful not to even hint of touching him.

We then talked about our friends in California, about my upcoming trip
to LA for a wedding.  Then Nancy asked me:

"Ri-Jen, can I ask you a very personal question?"
-Sure, Nance.  What's the question?
"I'm not sure how to ask this, but are you, um,
 do you have romantic feelings toward your roommate?"

How did she know????  I didn't think  I  said  anything that  would  be-
tray  my  feelings  for  Todd.  In fact, I thought I was very careful in
hiding it! Could she read my mind?  Gasp!  What could I say?  Sigh.
There  was  no  point  in trying  to  deceive  her,  so I very hesis-
tantly and quietly said yes.  Now it was my turn to ask questions.  I
asked her  why  she  asked  me that, how did she know?  She told me it
wasn't anything specific I had said, but she could detect something in
the *way* I  talked  about  my male  friends  in  general  and  *espe-
cially*  Todd,  she  could sense something in the *tone* of voice I used
when I talked  about  him.   I didn't  think  it was so obvious. Nancy
assured me it wasn't; in fact, it was subtle, but she noticed.  She told
me that she didn't think it was anything to be ashamed of, nothing I
need to hide from her.  I was courageous to admit it, though.  We talked
for a long  time  about  my feelings  for  Todd, about my years of
suppressing my feelings and the subsequent dive my self-esteem took.
What a relief  it was to  be  able  to  talk  about  it with her.  But I
was hesitant, subdued, unusually quiet. I was frightened.  She assured
me that my feelings were valid, not  perverted,  and  that  I  should
really explore and release those feelings.  I need to feel  good  about
myself,  to  be  confident  of myself.   She did express sympathy for
the tremendous pressures that I face from society in general  and  from
my  family  and  heritage  in specific.   She suggested that profession-
al counseling might help, but I'd have to work at it.  It wasn't going
to be easy, it  wasn't  going to be instantaneous, but I seemed ready
for it.  I was reluctant to do that, though.  I didn't want to admit
that I needed help.

She asked if Todd knew  that I loved him, and what was  his  response?
I  hadn't  explicitly  proclaimed  my  love for him, I told her, but I
thought he knew. "Is he gay?" she asked.  I told  her  that  I  wasn't
absolutely  sure, but I was fairly certain.  She thought I should talk
to him about it, make my feelings and intentions absolutely clear.   I
promised  Nancy that I'd tell Todd about my feelings for him, and that
I'd  *consider* counseling.  Sigh.  I guess I  need  to.   I've  never
told anyone that I was in love with him before.  What do I do?  How do I
tell him?  What was I afraid  of?   Rejection.   Humiliation.   Todd
moving out.  I didn't think I could bear that.

Todd went home to San Antonio for the weekend, so I got a reprieve for
my  task.  I decided to talk to his ex-roommate Allan. He and Todd had
been roommates for 2 years, so I thought maybe he  could  tell  me about
Todd's inclinations.  After graduating from SMU Allan moved to LA to at-
tend law school.  Since I was going to LA for a  wedding  I  used that
as an excuse to call and arrange to meet him there. I found his  phone
number  from our phone bills and  called  him. I  introduced  myself,
awkwardly,  and told him about my impending visit to LA. Yes, Todd had
talked to him about me. ( I wondered what Todd had told him!)  Allan is
quite talkative, which made it a whole lot easier for me.  We arranged a
time and place to meet, then I asked him to tell me  about  himself.  It
sure didn't take much prompting on my part. He was quite free in telling
me about himself, but he didn't say that he's gay.   But  I think  he
was  trying to hint at it.  After a while, he asked me if I was 'li-
beral'.  I said yes, very much so.

"Ri-Jen, how liberal? Like, *very* liberal?"
-Yes, quite.
"Well, Ri-Jen, I'm gay."
-Yes, Allan, I know.
"You did?  Did Todd tell you?"
-No, I could tell from the pictures Todd showed me of you.
 And from the things you talked about just now, and the way you talk.
"You could? Well, how do you feel about that?"
-It doesn't bother me. It's fine.
"Oh  good!  Well, what about you?"

I talked all around it, and finally I  told  him,  haltingly,  that  I
liked  Todd  a lot, I was very fond of him, but I wasn't in love with
him (a *big* lie); I enjoyed having him as a roommate very much. I told
him I thought  Todd was cute.  But that I liked women, too.

"Well, are you gay? Or bi?"
-I don't know.  I'm not sure.  I'm just starting to come to grips
 with my sexuality.
"Oh... so you  haven't accepted yourself yet."

We talked about that for a while, about me, about him.   He  urged  me
not  to  be  afraid of my sexuality, urged me to face it and deal with
it.  He offered to talk to me anytime I wanted to call.  That was nice
of  him.   He told me that coming out won't be easy, but it sure feels
better after the first steps.  I asked him about Todd, but he couldn't
tell  me very much.  Even though they've been roommates for two years,
they really didn't spend all that much time together, and Allan  hadn't
come  out  to  Todd  until  the  last 6 months that they were roomming
together.  Allan didn't think Todd was gay. I refused to  accept  that.
I  kept  asking  Allan if he was sure, but he didn't know for sure.  He
did tell me that after Todd met me, he *had* talked  to   Allan  a  lot
about me, and he had  told him that he liked me a lot! But that was in
the context of being good friends.  Sigh.   I guess I'll have  to  ask
Todd directly.


The chosen day I was so nervous I couldn't sit down at  all.   I  kept
pacing  the  hallways  outside  my  office and throughout my building,
trying to plan out what I would say to Todd that  evening.   I  didn't
get  anything  done in the lab that  day, but that wasn't much different
from the other days when I'd just sit and daydream about him.  When  I
got home that evening, I told him that I needed to have a serious talk
with him after dinner.  He said OK, and nothing more.  We  ate  dinner
in  silence,  my stomach in an uproar, making it very difficult for me
to keep anything down. Actually, Todd had the TV on, so he watched  it
while eating  his  dinner and didn't pay attention to me. Good.  We
cleaned up after dinner, then it was time for the talk.

That was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to say, and  I
fumbled  all  the way through it. "Todd, I don't know how to say this,
but I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you", I lied.  I wasn't
*beginning* to  fall  in love with him, I was *madly* in love with him.
He looked startled, then laughed, then sighed,  then  just  sat  there
smiling.  He didn't say anything, didn't squirm, didn't look at me; he
just stared into space.  And that smile on his face  --  what  did  it
mean???   Did  he  like  what I said?  Is he laughing at me?  Tell me,
Todd, tell me!  The excruciating tension I  felt,  the  agony  of  not
knowing  what  he  was  thinking  grew more and more painful with each
passing second.  I had made myself extremely vulnerable  to  him,  and
now  I  sat waiting for his response. He wasn't responding! I couldn't
bear it much longer.  "Talk to me, Todd, don't just sit there and make
me nervous.  How do you feel about what I said?"  He continued to just
sit there and  grin.  Torture, pure torture.

Finally he said, "Why do people find me so cuddly and lovable?  Why do
people think I'm so cute?"  So, I wasn't the first.  "Because you are,
Todd."  "You really surprised me.  I could usually spot gay people  a
mile away, but you fooled me completely...   I don't know how I feel.
What do you want from me?"  I didn't know what to say.  Well, I *did*
know, but  it was incredibly difficult to even open my mouth at the
time.  I mumbled something about wanting a closer, more  intimate  rela-
tionship with  him, but not really sure of what I wanted.  I needed to
tell him how I felt and hoped that maybe he felt something for me.   I
was  so afraid  he'd  laugh  in my face or pack up and leave.  He did
neither, but he certainly wasn't very reassuring, either.  "Ri-Jen, I've
had  3 roommates  in  my  entire life, and two of them turn out to be
gay.  I think that incredibly funny. Don't you?  This is too much.
Sigh.   I lived  a 'gay lifestyle' in Dallas -- all my friends except
one were gay.  I think I like women, too, and I wanted to try being
straight, live  a straight  life  in  Austin,  but I haven't taken many
opportunities to meet women, have I?"

I heard what I wanted to hear, and also what I didn't  want  to  hear.
He  confirmed  that  he's  gay,  or at least bi, but he confused me by
saying he wanted to be straight.  I was  so  unnerved that  I  just sat
there, grasping for words.  My mind was spinning out of control, my
throat dry and unresponsive.  "What do you want  me  to do  about  my
feelings for you, Todd?"  "I don't know! I have to think about this for
a while." That was the end of our talk.  We didn't talk about  it
anymore,  not  for a couple of months.  I took his "I don't know" as a
good sign.  It certainly wasn't a rejection, and if he  was expressing
tacit  consent,  then  I certainly wasn't going to force a written de-
claration from him.  We continued as before, except  now  he knew  that
I  loved him, and I knew for sure that he wasn't straight.  We continued
our routines,  like making dinner together, spending most of our free
time together.  No, it was spending most of *my* free  time  with  him.
I didn't know what he did when I was at school.  But it didn't matter, I
had taken my first steps.  I had told him "I love you."  How  brave  I
felt!  And now, how utterly helpless.
-- 
Ri-Jen Chou   		rjchou@decimator.sps.mot.com
Motorola Austin / Eclectic Environs