From: sherig@jett.EBay.Sun.COM (Sheri Gillette)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Sheri's reply...longer than a MUH-FUH...
Date: 5 Nov 92 21:47:34 GMT
Reply-To: sherig@jett.EBay.Sun.COM
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
NNTP-Posting-Host: jett.ebay.sun.com


well, SHOOT! <no pun untended!)  i accidentally deleted the mail from the person who 

*told* my ass over the net! O8*) 

i was going to insert parts of his mail and reply to it...

well, i still have a few brain cells left that are not dead from too much

hair spray, so i think i can pretty much remember what was said.

well, you said it helps that one has a warped sense of humor to be on ASH.

babe, i'm about as warped as they come! ya want references? O8*)

that is what has mainly kept me going...i've got a quick wit and it keeps

me *sane*...and i can take the most innocent of comments and drag it thru

the gutter so fast you wouldn't know what hit you! 

DE-CAF? huh! what's the POINT?! my 3 diet pepsi's a day suit me JUUUUUUUUST

fine! i'll relax when i'm DEAD! O8*P

you're a writer? (i don't know the name of the guy who posted the flame to me!)

that's cool! i am too...er WAS...i wrote for "the woman's rock mag with BITE"...

it was called BITCH. it is no longer since the editor, lori twersky, is no longer.

she was an awesome lady...i really admired her. ANYWAY!!!! the only thing i write

now is mushy, sappy, "sad, but pretty" poems...just to get stuff outta my system.

(kinda like takin' a big DUMP!!!) <see, told ya i was a sick pup! 

so, i think i figured what *my* problem is...you guys are *broke* and i can't

*fix* you! the tone in my previous email was that of *frustration* and helplessness,

not anger...ya know? maybe i shouldn't be on ASH because maybe it's better for

*me* to turn the other cheek and to pretend i *don't* care. i try my best to 

cheer people up when they are down...i know i'd appreciate someone taking the

time to do that for me. but, i know there are some of you who are just set in 

carrying that black cloud around with you for life. i'm constantly chaising rainbows

and our ways of looking at things just don't *jive*. that's fine...different strokes...

what i don't like is that i have to read your posting and NOT react or feel towards

them...i have to NOT care, because YOU don't...that is just not in my *make up*.

but, that's the way it'll have to be from now on. so, yeah, i've known a few too many

people that have taken their own lives...it's pretty damn sucky. makes ya grow up

REAL fast. when i was 11, my dad blew his head off in our house...and then when i was

17, my only sister, who was 18, did the same thing...only she did hers in her car

in the parking lot of a fast food joint. she had attempted a few times before

with pills (she woke up and told my mom what she had done...they took her to 

emergency and made her drink a delicious black milkshake) then i remember waking

up (we shared the same room-same big bed) and there would be blood all over the sheets

and her wrists all sliced up. nice, huh? i became VERY paranoid. any time i saw a razor

lying around, i'd tuck it away hoping it wouldn't be the tool she used to end her life.

instead she borrowed a gun from a guy she worked with...the guy came to the house the

next day saying that his dad was mad and wanted it back...i don't know who the guy

IS, but i'd sure like to take a couple wacks at his nuts! my sister gave my mom 

a bouquet of flowers and looked at her for a long time - really strange like...

the day before she did it...

if my dad hadn't done that, i really doubt that SHE would have...

SHE was the one that was most devestated by what he did. my brother (2 years

older than i) could not even CONCEIVE that he was dead. i laughed and had fun

the next day (after crying, of course) my sister would mention to people

"she cried more when our DOG DIED!!!". yeah, that's true...i could BELIEVE that 

my dig was dead...but my brother and i always thought...and even said out loud

"he's coming back." we weren't sad when we said that, cuz we KNEW he was coming back.

it didn't really hit me til i was about 16 that there was something *missing*.

something was LOST and i'd never have it again. a year after that, my sister was

gone. god, it sucked because i am such a fucking clown...i STILL felt like i had

to joke and be the life of the party (WHAT PARTY???!!) but deep inside i was

dying. in fact, i DID die with her...i dropped out of everything...i was a total 

RECLUSE. going to the grocery store was a big outting for me. i think i had anxiety

attacks. i didn't know what they were then, but i do now. (i don't have them anymore-

i just know what they are from books i've read) on the outside i forced myself

to smile and i think that made everything WORSE. the scars are DEEPLY rooted. 

we never talk about...we never did...i never got any counseling...it's not something

that people TALK about. it's such a "shamefull" thing. i think it should be out in the

opem more. it sucks cuz people ask if my dad is still around and i say "no", but

when they ask me what happened, i tell them "i don't want to talk about it."

and i can't ever even mention that i even HAD a sister at one time. "oh you 

have a SISTER! where is she NOW??!" ya know? imagine telling THAT story a million

times! there are VERY few people (at work here) that know about my past...

i don't like that *look* they give you. i don't want people feeling sorry for me.

i am a lot better off than SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

many other people out there. i was never raped, beaten, or molested...i can walk, 

i can see, i have a job, a car, a boyfriend, a few good friends, i have a lot of

things going for me...things that other people take for granted. maybe my life

has taught me that life *IS* precious...you guys don't see it that way...that's 

okay too...i'm sorry...

so, yeah, i had a hard time gettin' back into the swing of things, but i've held

down a job for 4 years here...and previously at another company-also for 4 years.

THAT is a big deal for ME! O8*) 

but it's sad, because i know i don't live my life to the fullest...i know it's because

i'm deeply fucked in the head from all this...what am i to do? you'd never know

it from the outside, but on the inside i am SO insecure. people have WAY more

faith in me than i do. and they encourage me to do things they think i have

talent in, but i always think of the worst...my self esteem is ZILCH.

some days i feel better than other days, but most days i feel like i couldn't succeed

in things...that is so fucking stupid...it's a waste of MY LIFE and i sure would 

like to get over this. i have been handed opportunities on silver platters too!

i'm gettin' BY for now, but this ain't gonna cut it for LONG. by the way, i'm 30

now. oh well, i'm sure i forgot a million things, but i think i've said enough

for now! "please, bitch! STOP already!"  

O8*)

thanks for listening...

-sheri


p.s. by the way, we KNEW my dad was going to *do it*...

my mom and dad had separated for a short time

and he was living at our house that we grew up in

with his girlfriend. i used to walk over there and swim in our huge pool that we

had (even tho we had one at the apts. my mom moved us 3 kids and her in) 

well, i'm glad i CALLED first to see if it was okay, cuz my dad had already knocked

off his girlfriend so it was either END IT or spend the rest of his life in jail.

he couldn't handle that...so he told my mom he was next and that he didn't want

her to call the police, etc, so she didn't. he was very quiet and crying softly

(and my tough marine corp dad did not CRY. he had a sucky childhood and he said he had 

just had enuf-it was time...)

we spent the rest of the day feeling 

all weird cuz we knew he was gonna do it...(we were 11,12 and 13...fun way to 

spend the day before easter, huh?) so, i woke up the next morning with my dad's

dog licking my face. i knew what had happened...

okay, WORLD, there's my story!!!