From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #488
Date: 9 Oct 92 13:29:29 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:28:53 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #488

@@@ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USENET ORACLE!
@@@
@@@ 8 October 1992 marks the 3rd anniversary of the Oracle's presence on
@@@ Usenet.  Let the festivities begin ...

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    488
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

483  36 votes  9ab42 6e871 ha801 4de41 72f75 cg323 74e56 72ac5 267d8 5ad53
483  2.7 mean   2.4   2.5   1.8   2.6   3.0   2.1   3.0   3.2   3.5   2.8

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:05 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-01

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great Oracle who can rule all the countries of a five-dimensional
> planet where the four-color map rule does not apply!
>
> Who would make the funnier President, Bill Clinton or Dan Quayle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny is not the question.  Interesting is the question.
}
} Clinton is a physics anomaly, being as he's somehow able to play
} saxophone while not inhaling.
}
} Quayle would be entertaining to the same group that enjoys Slasher
} flicks and "TV's Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes".
}
} If the charges of womanizing are true, Clinton may be this century's
} best diplomat ever.
}
} If the obvious conclusion is true, Quayle may go down in history as
} the world's first living brain donor.
}
} You figure it out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a write-in vote.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:07 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-02

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Usenet Oracle, I am but a drudge among drudges, an untenured
> assistant professor of history who is ordinarily too shy to lift
> her head above shoe level when confronted by an eligible male, much
> less dare to address the Platonic Idea of male power and wisdom, but my
> need is desperate and my question urgent.
>
> My Department is voting on my tenure this fall, and I have to complete
> my book manuscript, a revision of my dissertation on barn-raising
> rituals in the Susquehanna Valley from 1860-1880.  I have been using
> Nota Bene as my word processor since graduate school, and I was
> planning to write my completed ms. using Nota Bene 4, which was
> promised for release several months ago, or maybe years ago, it's hard
> to remember. (All I know is I sent NB my $100 upgrade fee a year ago.)
> But the release date keeps getting pushed back and back and back, until
> I feel like I'm in a Stephen King novel or something, and I'll NEVER
> get 4.0, and I'll be too depressed to finish my book, and I won't get
> tenure, and no one will ever want to marry me, and my mother will keep
> saying "I told you to go to med school"...  Sorry, O Oracle, I'll try
> to get a grip.  My question, of course, is: will NB 4 ever be released,
> and what's with those Nota Bene folk, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, humble supplicant, this is indeed a question of great import and
} complexity, for even I, The Usenet Oracle, have a difficult time of
} deciphering the ways of software companies.  First, let me allay your
} fears: NB 4 *will* be released, however, it will not be for another
} 40-50 years, in which case no one will care and you will be living a
} life of utter destitution amongst the very squalor of the city streets,
} unable to do anything except mutter rambling dialogues about barns to
} imaginary puffins, if in fact you live that long.  Sorry.  It is a
} cosmic law that the release date of any software is always delayed by a
} factor equal to the cube of its urgency and necessity. Useless programs
} are written all the time all around the world -- countless Computer
} Science students have written countless incarnations of the dreaded
} "Hello World" program for example -- and yet it is the _useful_
} software that takes the longest.  My advice to you is to encourage all
} your friends to try and believe that NB 4 is dreadfully _useless_, that
} you Really Don't Need Tenure or Any Sort of Financial Stability, and
} that you were actually glad to get rid of that 100 bucks.  By
} countering the Cosmic Law of Inevitable Software Release Delays with a
} little down-home negative thinking, you may in fact reverse the effects
} and cause the program to be complete, oh say, right before the
} university fires you.  But don't count on it.
}
} As for your man troubles, try lifting your head above shoe-level.
} It'll improve your posture, and every man appreciates really good
} posture.  Just ask your mother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Carrie."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:08 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-03

Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle oh oracle you really is good you isn't you. Anyways you shore is
> great oh really man. You dig? Right. Tell me sumthin woudya nah man?
> How is dat, mean like no jobs no place get it? What do I do now then
> man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looks like another one to take apart piece by piece.
}
} > Oracle oh oracle
}
} Kind of redundant (not to mention repetitious), but we'll let it slide.
}
} > you really is good you isn't you.
}
} Sorry.  Chang Good You works for the U.S. Post Office in Topeka,
} Kansas. We've never met.  Of course, I was in Topeka once on a
} scavenger hunt with Lisa, but that's another story ...
}
} > Anyways you shore is great oh really man.
}
} Thanks -- but I hardly can take credit for Dinah Shore.  Her greatness
} is due to the other Omnipotent One in the sky.  (And try to be quiet
} about my appreciation of Charles Nelson Reilly ... the Oracle has
} a reputation to protect.)
}
} > You dig? Right.
}
} Yes -- and I dig left, too, since the Oracle is Omnipotent and thus
} ambidextrous.  Whether I dig left or right depends on which side of
} the bed Lisa wants the mudbath.
}
} >Tell me sumthin woudya nah man?
}
} I've made it quite clear to Supplicants in the past that I've had
} my share of woodchuck questions, and I absolutely will not
} tell anyone anything about woodchucks anymore.  The next supplicant
} who even mentions woodchucks gets an automatic <ZOT>.
}
} And I'm afraid you've got my identity wrong again.  While I'm
} flattered to be compared with Paul Newman, we are quite different.
} The pedestrian events that Hollywood calls "entertainment" wouldn't
} last for a minute up here on Olympus.
}
} >How is dat
}
} Wonderful, especially when Lisa is the significant other.  You
} ought to try it sometime.  (Not with Lisa, of course.)
}
} >mean like no jobs no place get it?
}
} Well, if you were Mean Joe Greene and all you were getting
} in acting auditions were roles with lines like "Ug.  Me
} football player.  You cheerleader.  Me want you," you wouldn't
} like working, either.  And saying lines like that ain't any
} easier in the Bahamas than in New York.
}
} >What do I do now then man?
}
} Zen man?  Sorry, wrong deity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spel chequer.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:10 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-04

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who ate my piece of cake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The funny little man that makes the light go on and off in your fridge.
} That's why they invented Tupperware, to keep these creatures out of
} your leftovers.  It's impervious to their attempts to penetrate it.
} You could kill them with Snairol, but you'll have some explaining to
} do to the kids when they see the his contorted gnome-like body, his
} rosy face gone bluish and frozen in a death grimace, lying in the
} pudding.
}
} You owe the Oracle the bowl to lick.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:12 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-05

Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great oracle please tell why ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       (the scene: the other-dimensional Paradise wherein the Oracle
}       resides)
}
}       Oracle:  Hmm..."please tell why ?"  An odd request, but fair
}               enough (reaches for phone, dials, waits a moment...)
}               Hi, why, this is the Oracle.
}
}       Why:    Oh, most Amazing and Glamorous Oracle, whose shoes I am
}               not worthy to lick clean, whose toilet bowl I am an too
}               unclean to wash, whose-
}
}       Oracle:  Wait, wait, wait.  Now, normally such groveling is
}               accepted and even encouraged, but I'm calling for an
}               actual reason.
}
}       Why:    Is it about those Philip Marlowe novels and batch of
}               chocolate dip cookies I owe you?
}
}       Oracle:  No, although it has been a while.  Actually, I'm
}               delivering a messgae.
}
}       Why:    Yes, oh wise and Magnificent one?
}
}       Oracle:  ?
}
}       Why:    What?
}
}       Oracle:  I said, "?"
}
}       Why:    That was the message?
}
}       Oracle:  Yep, and I hope it's a good one, cause the supplicant
}               didn't even grovel when he asked me to deliver that.
}
}       Why (aghast): Say it isn't so, your Etceterancy.
}
}       Oracle:  'tis true.  Perhaps you could help with the return
}               message?
}
}       Why:    Anything, your Incalcuability.  Umm...how about, "!"
}
}       Oracle:  Hmm, not fancy enough.
}
}       Why:    Then how about, "<!>"
}
}       Oracle:  Not impressive enough.
}
}       Why:    Perhaps some sound effects, like the Sound Of Thunder?
}
}       Oracle:  Something like, "<SOT!>"  But it's not artistic enough.
}
}       Why:    You could reverse a letter, or something.
}
}       Oracle:  Ah, of course.  You have served me well, Why.  Forget
}               the cookies and books.
}
}       Why:    Your compassion is all-encompassing, your
}               Coordinatedness.
}
}       Oracle:  I'll deliver the reply now.
}
}       <ZOT!>
}
}       You owe the Oracle a stack of Philip Marlowe novels, a batch of
}       chocolate dip cookies, and a decent grovel.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:13 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-06

Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who was the original Improbability Drive, since
> you exist in all points at the same time...
>
> Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, a difficult question. One might as well ask, "Why does the
} rain fall from up above?" Yet I am Omniscient, and your question is
} not too hard for Me.
}
} You have heard, perhaps, that Fate watches over fools and small
} children. As it happens, Fate is extremely nearsighted. It has always
} been her intention to watch over fools and small children, but
} oftentimes she cannot find them until it is too late.
}
} She therefore came to My shrine to plead for help. Out of professional
} courtesy, I devies a plan. Fate, you see, has an extremely keen sense
} of smell. I advised her to make an arrangement with Eros, God of Love.
} Eros arranges for the fools to fall in  love. As a result, they
} start bathing regularly, out of a desire to impress the objects of
} their affections; some even use deodorants or perfumes. Fate notices
} the change, and can easily find the fool thereafter.
}
} Finding small children is easy, since they throw up regularly (a most
} distinctive smell).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Flirtations album.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-07

Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most knowledgeable, with who's polls there is no margin of
> error, (since they really aren't polls) and who can make political
> satire as John Swift, who knows who really killed John Kennedy, I ask
> you?
>
> Why does the Libertarian party never get media coverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they don't lie enough.  Look, Bush had one little tie to
} Iran-Contra and the media's looking at him funny.  He made a new tax,
} and the media won't let him live it down.  Clinton dodged one little
} war and the media's all over him!  What did the libertatians do?
} Nothing that they won't admit to.  If the libertarians want more
} coverage, they've gotta stop being so honest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good government.  There's a good one described in
} the US Constitution...one like that would do.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:16 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-08

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> All-seeing and most wise Oracle,
>       How do I get out of this Roseanne Barr -- uh, Roseanne Arnold
> suit?  It's stuck and it won't come off, and people keep throwing used
> chewing tobacco and bubble gum at me!
>
> --Jaclynne

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, right.  Sure.  You come to me, the All-seeing and most wise
} Oracle, and demand to know how to become popular.  "Become fat and
} obnoxious and get a TV show," I said.  So you came back and asked
} how to do that.  "Wear a Roseanne Barrnold suit," I said.  And here
} you are again, wanting to know how to get the damn thing off.
}
} Well, YOU CAN'T!  IT'S SEALED WITH CRAZY GLUE AND GAFFER'S TAPE!  IT
} WILL NEVER COME OFF!  IT WILL OUTLAST YOUR SKIN!  IN FACT, IT WILL
} OUTLAST YOU.  IT WILL BE WADDLING ABOUT WRITING CHECKS ON YOUR
} ACCOUNT AND SLEEPING WITH YOUR MEN LONG AFTER YOU ARE DEAD!
}
} HA!
}
} All of this was in the instructions for the suit, of course, but I
} knew you'd never RTFI....
}
} You owe the Oracle a Barbara Bush suit.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:18 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-09

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What does the term "only friends" really mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Whenever you touch me, I think of cold slugs crawling up my inner
} thighs."
}
} You owe the Oracle a deeply-felt, sincere friendship that you'll always
} cherish.  Really.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 09 Oct 92 08:29:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #488-10

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew that someone would catch me eventually. Yes, I am Marilyn
} Monroe. Let me explain my story.
}
} Ever since I faked my death, I have been writing Ocularities for the
} Oracle. I was sick of being treated like a dumb blonde. I had ambitions
} of being a script writer or a director. However, I was never taken
} seriously by male producers who were only interested in my body. And
} some of my co-stars left a little to be desired. For instance, kissing
} Tony Curtis in "Some Like it Hot" was like kissing a garlic eating
} hippo.
}
} Anyway, one night I was sitting at home on my own at a loose end, when
} the door bell rang. I opened the door to find an old man and an old
} woman there. They introduced themselves as the Oracle and Lisa. This is
} what the Oracle told me.
}
} "I am an ancient god whose job is to answer the questions of mortals. I
} did this from my temple at Delphi, with Lisa as my consort. In ancient
} Greece I was much sought after, but as time went on, people abandoned
} me. But I have devised a scheme to get back supplicants. I have it in
} mind to create a giant network called the Usenet. And then my thoughts
} will reach the entire world! Just think of it. Instead of a temple at
} Delphi, everyone will have instant access to my guidance. The Usenet
} will be my global temple. But I also need someone to answer the
} questions. For this reason I ranked every human being in the world
} today by intelligence and you, Marilyn are at the top of the list. Some
} guy named Quayle is at the bottom. So I offer you the job of being my
} Head Priestess."
}
} I said "Oh Oracle, from whose very pores the sunlight shines, I accept.
} Tell me what I have to do."
}
} "I want you to give me and Lisa new images. I want you to write about
} us as if we are two young, highly sexed egomaniacs. I think that will
} help attract business. I will answer some questions occasionally, in
} that persona. When I feel it is appropriate I will allow you to use my
} much feared ZOT. At the end of each ocularity you may ask for a gift,
} and as Head Priestess you will have a 30% commission."
}
} After that, the Oracle created a fake Marilyn body, left it on my bed,
} and I was swept off to Delphi. I have enjoyed my new power as the
} Oracle's Head Priestess. Orrie and Lisa aren't in the office too often.
} Orrie prefers to play bingo at Olympus, whilst Lisa likes to potter
} round the garden. They are really a very nice old couple. It's clear
} that omniscience, omnipotence, immortality, and other super human
} powers have not spoilt them.
}
} You owe Marilyn a video of "The Seven Year Itch".

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #488
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle