From: rks@cscns.com (gisle j benediktsson)
Subject: Re: coming out to family??
Organization: Community_News_Service
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 12:03:07 GMT

Bill Irion (fwi@cco.caltech.edu) wrote:


: I don't know what your family means to you, or even how you define it.
: Well, my family (mother, brother and sisters) means a hell of a lot to me.

These days, I define my family as those people I have chosen to include in my
life and they have chosen to be a part of mine. Hopefully, we contribute
something positive to each other. The acceptance is already there. 


: This Christmas I'll be laying the groundwork to come out to them.  I asked
: the question to myself as to why should I come out to them at all.   

: Whatever "duty" one feels to come out to family varies from one person to
: the next.  I'm coming out to them because I think I owe it to them.  They
: have been my friends in addition to being my family.  They have supported
: me though rough times, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for them.

I think that is great. Maybe if more families were like yours, this 
wouldn't be an issue. I recall reading a post by a woman who told her
family that she is a lesbian and they refuse to associate with her, her
lover or their grandchild. Unfortunately, that is all too common. 

In my own case, my blood family has proven on numerous occasions that 
they are unwilling/unable to deal with information they percieve as
'negative'. Historically, anything I do fits into that category. 
As a result of that attitude, I don't feel that I 'owe' them 
anything. And I really couldn't care less (with effort) if they 'accept
me' or not. When one comes froma family where information is power, one
learns to give information with a great deal of caution. 

Those who come from families like that -- and yet still feel the 
obligation to share such personal information as one's sexual preference, 
that is what bothers me. It seems a bit like self-sabotage. 

If I told my family, I can't be sure of my motives. I could approach
it from two different directions. I could revert back to old ways of
being and hope that 'this time it will be different." I could also 
give in to the temptation to use the information as a hammer.
 


: I feel that _not_ coming out to them would be dishonest.  Put another way,
: and for me personally, if there's something that all of my friends know
: about me, would I lie about it or hide it from my folks?  For me, no, but
: others want their family _not_ to know for many reasons, and others have
: different reasons for wanting to come out.  That's fine.

I think your reasons are great. And I hope you find the acceptance that
you want. Given the history, it sounds like you will. 


: I'm sorry, but I found your post striking me as denigrating, although I
: don't think you meant to cause offense.  I'm in

No, I didn't mean offense at all. In fact, it never occurred to me. I 
suppose I am very much a 'voluntaryist' (to steal a phrase from the
libertarians) in that I can't see doing something that you don't want
to do -- out of a sense of obligation -- then having to deal with all
of the crap later. I have read those sorts of experiences as well as
the good ones. 

: a dilemma about coming out to family.  Speaking for myself, I badly
: want my family's acceptance.  I do give them that power, because I love
: them and they love me back.  Anything that would lessen their love or
: fundamentally alter it is a sacrifice that I, and I would think many
: others, would not take lightly.  In a nutshell, I don't want to hide
: it from them and I don't want to lose their love.  Are you mystified
: about me now? 

Yes. If you have those doubts, why set yourself up?

I differ with you in that I don't feel that *not* sharing private
information is dishonest. I think we all have a right to our privacy.


: Different people need different things from their family, whatever
: form that family has.  There's often no rational explanation for what
: people want from their folks, but then, no explanation is needed. 

If what you want is reasonably what you can expect, it makes a lot of 
sense. If, on the other hand, one can reasonably expect to be ridiculed,
rejected or otherwise made to feel less than respected, then it is 
self-sabotage. 

Speaking strictly for myself, I have done a hell of a lot of work to 
accept myself -- and the biggest hurdle was understanding that some
people will not -- and that has to be okay. For me to stay healthy
(something I have acquired since leaving my family), I have to stay
very clear on that. And another one of the biggest hurdles was admitting
to myself that things weren't going to change -- and sometimes forgiveness
means "we don't do well together". 

My post was intended for those who have real fears and doubts about
coming out to their families. It is my way of saying "you don't have
to." If it is going to, in any way, impinge on your happiness or well
being -- tell 'em to fuck off. 


: Another muffin bites the dust.  Welcome to soc.bi.

Thanks. 



: Hugs,

returned...



//gisle

Newsgroups: soc.bi