From: noraa@cbnewsk.cb.att.com (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Subject: Re: When the father is out of a job.
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 01:17:06 GMT

In article <VIXIE.92Apr4225720@cognition.pa.dec.com> vixie@pa.dec.com (Paul A Vixie) writes:
>>> I'll apologize up front - "Sorry."  Doesn't that make it all better?
>
>Nope.
>
>You know things are pretty bad when the caged rats start to eat eachother.
>Joel wasn't recommending that we do as he did, and when I put myself in his
>place I can only imagine that he's hurting a lot, and deeply.  I don't think
>that your note is going to help; probably it's going to make Joel feel worse
>and give a lot of the lurkers here the sense that we are a bunch of crazies.
>--
>Paul Vixie, DEC Network Systems Lab	
>Palo Alto, California, USA         	"Ready, Fire, Aim"
><vixie@pa.dec.com> decwrl!vixie
><paul@vix.com>     vixie!paul          

I agree with everything that Paul Vixie has posted.  Again, this is the
case.  I thought about the anger in my post and it wasn't a pleasant
review after a day or so.

Several weeks ago, I took an MMPI-2 - a psyche evaluation test.  It came
back saying that I was angry, that I had a deep felt resentment about
something.  It was obvious to the psychologist exactly what I am angry
about.  I'm angry about my personal situation.  I'm angry that my ex2b
was able to get away with denying me access to my children, that she was
able to file charges against me for spanking my children.  I'm angry that
I am paying $1034.22 per month CS to her, yet I hardly have money to pay
my bills, attorney fees, psyche fees, etc. (really, I don't - I've had to 
borrow and defer loans).  I'm angry that she has all marital assets and
most of the stuff that I had before we were married (I have my books and
my clothes - that is it).  I'm angry that she has tried to stick me with
all the marital debt (over $15,000).  I'm angry that the courts take
forever to even make the smallest, slightest changes to anything.  I'm
angry that when the children are involved, the defendent is guilty until
proven innocent.  I'm very angry that the adversarial divorce system
is not a solution and does not seek solutions, but simply exacerbates 
problems.  And I'm very, very angry that the divorce court system is
sexually biased against men - a violation of the Constitution of the
United States.

People around me get a slight sense of my anger, but they commend me for
being constructive about my anger - I channel it into directions that
might help fix the problems.  Usually, I can be pretty level-headed
about my statements, but sometimes, my sarcasm hurts individuals. 

Joel, I understand what you went through.  I'm going through the same
thing - but different.  I've been hurt worse by this than by anything
else that ever happened to me in my entire life.  I would guess that you
probably were too.  My ex2b has wanted me to make the same kind of
concessions that your's did.  At first, if I could have had shared
parenting, I would have given her everything else, would have eaten the
debts, would have helped her with her new life.  But she would not have
it.  She is sure that I wanted shared parenting to reduce the child
support amount that I had to pay her.  I told her from the beginning
that the money has nothing to do with it.  I was willing to give her
extra - as I did for the first five months - I bought her clothes, paid
her bills, paid for daycare even though there was no court order saying
that I had to.  What I wanted was to have a continuing and significant
relationship with my two sons.

Now I am fighting her to be able to see my children.  I want to retain
my legal rights as a parent.  I love my sons too much to let her just
take them away from me - and it is not what they want.  My sons go
bananas as soon as they see me and they run up and hug me.  If I'm
holding something, they usually hug my legs.  My oldest son - who is
only 4 years old - makes it a habit to tell me that he loves me - out of
the blue - about once every other hour.  I'm fighting her because I love
my children so much, and because I believe that it is the right thing to
do.  The more of us who do stand up and fight for what is right, the
more the courts are going to believe that men do want to be involved
with their children.  I'm fighting for me and I'm fighting for every
other father out there who will someday have to go through the Great
American Tragedy - divorce.

So, Joel, at the time I felt it necessary - in my mind - to condemn you
for what you did - because it didn't help me.  But that wasn't fair of
me.  I can understand what you did and why you did it.  I really can
understand.  And I'm sorry for the personal attack.

Several of you have emailed me that I really need to lighten up.  You're
right, of course.  I've felt a need to pay special attention to those
things that I see as unjust, immoral, biased, of negative value and
quality and call them as I saw them.  Oftentimes, that required that I
forget that I was responding to a person, a real human being with
feelings, at the other end.  Really, what I've been trying to do is
condemn people's words, their low quality statements, not the people.
However, the words represent those people - they are their thoughts,
ideas, values.

So Joel, Coren and anyone else who has been offended by my snide humor,
my cutting sarcasm, or just my anger, I apologize.  I'll really try to
keep it in check from now on.  Funny, my ex2b took offense to those things
too.  I've had a habit of saying the exact opposite of what I mean, but
would make it so extreme that it was obvious? to everyone that I meant
the opposite.  Unfortunately, sometimes people can't tell or they are
hurt by the sarcastic statements.  It is something I need to change.

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
TR@CBNEA.ATT.COM 
Newsgroups: alt.child-support