From: aderidde@major  (Adam DeRidder)
Subject: Re: To all not virgin girls!!!!
Organization: Michigan Technological University
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 15:30:22 GMT

In Article 25540, CMLEE says:
>            I really consider that virginity is a virtue!. Do you know why?
>Because, what's the difference between a not virgin girl and a hore?.
>Anthony

 For which comment he was badly singed if not outright burned in the flames
that followed. :) 
     My perspective on the matter: I think that sex is regarded as something
special. Not just "the ultimate coed sport". Adultery is pretty much
universally looked at as "bad". So sex must have a deeper meaning in most
societies if you're not supposed to outside of marriage.  
     But why is virginity important? To most people, sex in its purest form is 
a declaration of love. That is why adultery is considered wrong. The question 
then becomes "How in love do you have to be to make this declaration/have sex?"
Girls who set no standards are called sluts (or loosely whores).
      Just as sex is a declaration of love, so is marriage. Marrying someone
says to them: "You are the one person in the whole world that I want to spend
my life with and expose the most intimate parts of myself to." It is the
standard of true commitment.
     If you don't say "I won't have sex before marriage" (ie 'I will give
myself to 1 person only'), what is to stop you from having sex indescriminately
(ie 'I will give myself to those people that I feel love for? Or desire for?')
It is hard to judge how deep a relationship really is so if you don't have
absolute standards (not feelings, commitment/ promise such as in marriage),
your standards can't really be trusted.
     So I guess I will try to answer the man's question, as perhaps he was
hoping someone would do. ie I don't think he was necessarily saying that non-
virgins WERE whores maybe he was saying it can be hard to draw the line? 
     I would hesitate to call non-virgins whores or sluts because I think that
many young people have sex to prove how serious they are, which is different
from the 'sex for love' or 'sex for pleasure' mentality of a slut. How much a
girl resists is a proof of her virtue being overcome by her love. And how much
he insists is a proof of his love and desire. Some problems with this proof of
love,though, are that: 
i) there is less committment. This leads to a deep physical intimacy based on a
less deep committment which can lead to insecurity. "Does he really love me or
is he using me for sex?" A question that doesn't occur in marriage.
ii) marital insecurity. If your partner has had sex before, won't you wonder
how you measure up? And how reassuring will his/ her reassurance that you are
better than any of the rest be? And from the other side: What if your marriage
partner turns out to be less of a stud than one of your old flames? Once you
have seen how good it can be, are you going to be able to stick with your one
and only? But if you have have committed yourself to one for all your life, I
don't think that even sex problems will be an insurmountable barrier. 
iii) not saying no before you get married wears down your resistance to 
temptation after marriage. It is easier to not start than it is to stop. 
iv) This approach doesn't even prove love. It proves desire, but love and lust
and "mushy feelings" are three very different things. If you really love them,
consider not only the pleasure it will bring, but also the extra pain if and 
when you break up. You may find that there are better ways to get to know each 
other and to learn how to make the other person feel good from two feet away. 
(and some of you are getting perverted ideas even now :) This will not only
create a stronger love that doesn't wane with the passing of passion, but might
make you able to part as friends who still appreciate the good points of the
other person.
     I have heard the arguement: One of you needs to be experienced on the 
honeymoon night. As if nonvirgins don't know how to have sex. As if we haven't 
known since before we were in high school. And IF we didn't know, there are 
lots of manuals and other sources of info. Besides adventure and discovery 
together is part of the fun :> This includes whatever 'variations' you both 
agree to after marriage.
    There are of course lots of other reasons to not have sex before marriage.
STDs (Sex Transmitted Diseases) and lots of others. "Why Wait?" is a Christian
book that deals with this question. Yet despite the religious slant, it has a
lot of dissettling facts and common sense arguements. If you are really
wondering about sex before marriage, check it out.
     Sorry I went on so long, but think of it this way: I could have gone on
longer :) I have a lot to say about it, 'cause I think it's important. A quick
footnote. If you have already had sex and feel bad about it now, it's not too
late to turn over a new leaf/ have a "second viginity". Well enuff babbling for
now
   Adam DeRidder, aderidde@major.cs.mtu.edu  Michigan Tech University, USA
   Part Time Thinker, Occasional CS programmer and College Student