From: guthrie@nb.rockwell.com (Karen Guthrie)
Subject: Re: parent/child relationships
Organization: Rockwell International
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 17:35:39 GMT


In article <16897A4AB.M17257@mwvm.mitre.org>, M17257@mwvm.mitre.org writes:
> In article <1992Nov05.202538.899715@locus.com>
> judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer) writes:
>  
> >
> >There has been some discussion about not treating our children differently
> >than we would treat other adults and I must say that this concept terrifies
> >me.
> >
> >If my best friend consistently took my jewelry and lost it, you'd bet she
> >wouldn't remain my best friend any longer.  However, my son will always be
> >my son.
> >
> >If my husband told me I had a big butt and that he'd rather spend the night
> >with someone else than home with me, I'd be in divorce court and he wouldn't
> >be my husband any longer.  But my son will always be my son.
> >
> >Children do not treat us as other adults do.  We must tolerate far more
> >impertinence, insensitivity, abuse, and sometimes down right cruelty.  And
> >we must NOT abandon them when they don't behave the way we want them to.
> >
> >The relationship is different because it is not a peer to peer relationship.
> >The relationship is different because we parents have the responsibility for
> >having brought these children into this world and therefore must train them
> >and stick by them.  After all, I imagine most of you wouldn't put your
> >best friend or husband in a time-out or take away their cars, computers,
> >TV's, and stereos either.
> >
> >My mother once told me that she did not have to condone my behavior but she
> >would always love me.  "If you murder someone and are in jail, I will not
> >condone the murder.  But I will be there every visitors day."  This is the
> >moral obligation of a parent.  It is not the same obligation of a friend or
> >a spouse.  It is far more sacred bond.  Unfortunately for the children of
> >this world, there are those who do not abide by it.
> >
>  
> I missed the orig post for this subject, but...My feeling is that the parent/
> child relationship needs to be one of trust and respect--BOTH WAYS!
>  
> I have learned not to respect my mother, for example, based on the fact that 1)
> she does not respect me, and 2) EVERYTHING she does is ok for her to do, but no
> t for me to do. (ie., do as I say, not as I do)
>  
> This has applied from to everything from smoking, drinking to marriage, working
> and where to live!  I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but I don't respect
> her.  How can I be expected to respect someone who obviously doesn't respect
> themselves?  She knows what she does is wrong, or a bad choice for past errs,
> but that doesn't stop her from continuing to do these things.  She makes no
> attempts to change.
>  
> I agree that the parent/child relat. is NOT the same as friend/spouse/etc., but
> perhaps the orig. poster really meant--the relationship needs to be based on
> mutual respect.  Keep in mind your child is a person, and every person deserves
> to be treated with respect.  Every time I see a parent talking to someone and
> there is a child trying to get their attention, but M/D is ignoring the child,
> I get enraged.  How can anyone ignore someone so blatantly is beyond me.
>  
> I was at someone's house once and the mother was talking w/ me.  Middle child
> (about 4yr) calmly and quietly came up and said 'Mommy?' and waited...'Mommy?'
> (a little louder) and waited...'Mommy?!'(louder) and waited... I'm not sure how
> many times she asked but I finally couldn't take it anymore and started to ask
> her what she wanted when the mother furiously turned and shouted 'RACHEL! I'M
> TALKING! WHAT do you WANT?!"  I couldn't let her go on.  I intervened and had
> to say to mother that she had very calmly asked for her attention several
> minutes earlier, but she had ignored her.  She did not deserve to be yelled at.
>  
> Mother took it well.  She knew she was wrong, and she let it go. BUT she didn't
> apologize to her daughter.  Would you not apologize to a friend or spouse, if
> a similar incident took place?
>  
> Oh well, I'll get off the soapbox now.
> Ellie Blackwell


To the original poster I say HOORAY well said!  A good parent is not a cheerleader
but a person who tries to guide you to do well and be the best that you can be.
If you fall short though a good parent as Judy's mother is would stand by you 
when all others would desert you.  I think that the second poster misses a few
points.  You should not judge others.  Your mothers inability to control certain
aspects of her life are a result of weekness not to be despised but to be
overlooked by those that love her.  Many parents have trouble stopping after 
years of trying to teach you and need to be subtilly retrained not to interfere
as you become an adult.  Ellie, do you have kids?  You just sound a lot like me
before I had one.  Of course a parent should in an ideal world always stop and
listen but if you live with a very talkative 3 or 4 year old girl sometimes 
you just have to finish your thought this time.  My daughter will sit quietly
until her dad or I open our mouth and then she has something urgent to say.
After about the fourth time you get interupted it gets old and ignoring them 
can seem pretty attractive.  Just my humble opinion.

Karen
Newsgroups: misc.kids