From: esprit@netcom.com (Alan F. Perry)
Subject: Re: Marriages that stay together Re: Responsibility: The Dirty Word
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 92 15:54:53 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

c60a-zg@volga.Berkeley.EDU (Martin Guerrero-LabA) writes:
>I believe one of the keys in a marriage that will stay together
>"till death do us part" are partners who come from strong, stable
>families.  
>
>Yes, we as children, look up to our parents.  They become our role model.
>
>When married couples have a fight and disagreements then call it quits via
>divorce, the child looks at this and says:
>   "So this is how it works.  When you have fights and disagreements, you
>    don't try to work it out.  Eventually, you may have to give up, call
>    it quits, get angry at one another, etc. etc. etc."
>
>  And when that child grows up and marries, how do you think he/she will
>behave in her/his marriage?
>
>  We must recognize that in a marriage, not everything will be smooth 
>sailing.  Perhaps husband and wife may hate each other for some time.
>
>   But in the end, it is the example of how these two work their problems
>out that is very influential on their children.  Children with a strong
>and stable family often end up having strong and stable families of their 
>own.

I disagree with this based on personal experience.

My parents had a pretty rocky marriage.  I don't want to go too deep, but
my dad used to do nice things like cut the brake lines on the car so my
mom couldn't leave the house.  A client of my mom (she trained horses)
offered to hire someone to "off" my dad.  Get the idea.

My parents were divorced when I was 12 and my mom took us to the other side
of the country.  My mom's second husband was a loser and a druggie, though
he did try to be a good father figure in the beginning.  His favorite
thing would be to come home drunk on Fridays and we (the rest of the
family and myself) would lock ourselves in one side of the house where he
could not get to us.

Are you saying that my mom should have stayed married to either of the
above men?  Are you saying that it would be preferably for my siblings
and I to grow up in either of the above environments?

Are you saying that I am going to show the same pattern of behavior as
either my father or step-father?

My mother now regrets ever divorcing my father because, at least, he
had a good job and us kids would have had a more stable life.  In
retrospect, my mom would be willing to go through hell so her kids could
have a better life.

This seems more like family values than this stuff than Bush/Quayle
are blathering about.

I have had a few serious relationships where I got to know the family of
the person that I was seeing.  Of the people that I have dated, the most
level-headed ones came from single parent homes.  My wife's family is
almost as messed up as mine.  On the other hand, the woman that I dated who
was the most screwed up came from the most rock-solid family that I have
ever seen.

alan

P.S. If anyone caught "A Current Affair" on the night that the hurricane hit
Miami, the guy was going through Salt Lake City with a shot gun trying to
stop his 18-year-old step-daughter from being an escort girl is my father.
They really portrayed him as a loving father.  Too bad he never had the
same concern for his own kids.  I still haven't heard from him since my kid
was born two weeks ago.  This program was the first time that my wife had
ever seen my dad.

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