From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #106
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Summary: Olympic Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 07:29:22 GMT

**TCWF!**    TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES, Number 106, 27th July 1992
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...                                           H
The Olympics. I've been watching the opening ceremony on the box. And         e
what a load of modern art crap it was. Talk about completely                  r
predictable - I don't know why the stupid commentators were raving on         e
in awe about it, it looked like every single Olympics opening ceremony
ever. Three boring hours of loads of Spaniards poncing around the             w
stadium, dancing in bloody silly costumes, accompanied by a bunch of          e
fat opera singers on a thankfully reinforced stage yelling their lungs
out. As usual, they got five thousand school kids from somewhere, and         a
had them running around in formation. Boring.                                 r
    See those blokes come out dressed as Sun Gods? I think that's what        e
they were meant to be. And all the spectators got to put on sun mask
things and look stupid in front of the tv cameras. But none of the            f
Spanish royal family got masks! I reckon they must have been really           o
pissed off at that. No doubt some Olympic official will be beheaded as        r
soon as the games are over. Or maybe they'll throw him into the bull
ring in a red boilersuit, without so much as a toreador for protection.       t
    Anyway, then thousands more people crowded in, dressed as the             h
Atlantic ocean or something... and a bunch of sailors dressed in              e
bondage gear and wearing fake tattoos went off to fight a bunch of sea
monsters on their way to discovering Barcelona. Do me a favour. Any           s
sensible sailor dressed in bondage gear and wearing fake tattoos with         i
half a brain would have said "Shit!!! I'm not fighting those fucking          d
big scary monsters! Let's bugger off to Portugal!"                            e
    And there were even more people, carrying big flags; and a stack of       w
schoolkid gymnasts, 5000 guys on stilts... I reckon those Olympic             a
stadiums must need the bloody biggest dressing rooms in the world.            y
    Finally, after about two hours, the athletes start to pour in. And        s
that took over an hour. The Greeks always go first. Well, you know what
the Greeks are like; maybe no-one wants to go in front of them. There         m
were a few teams that only sent one person, tiny little places like           e
Afghanistan. Makes you wonder why they bothered. Imagine the Afghan           s
bloke, when he gets a look at one of the big teams, like the US team.         s
He must think "Christ, I've got no chance against that lot!" And he           a
pisses off home. And who could blame him?                                     g
    Saudi Arabia turned up, with the whole team dressed in white robes        e
and stuff. Maybe it's religious. But I wonder if they have to compete
like that? And how did the Olympic girl carrying the Saudi Arabia sign        s
get away with being dressed like that? Surely she should have been            p
covered head to toe in a black robe!                                          r
    South Africa turned up for the first time in ages. The whites in          i
the team were trying to walk alongside the blacks in the team without         n
throwing up or asking for their passes or hitting them with horse-            t
whips. Did you notice the South African olympic symbol on their               .
uniforms - the five burning tyres?                                            .
    I missed the team from Lebanon coming out. Were they wearing battle
fatigues, like I figured? Like the Columbian team, I reckon they'll do        D
good at the target shooting events.                                           o
    The team from Swaziland came out in traditional costume. I like           n
that. But what the hell was the white guy in the middle doing? He must        '
have known he looked ridiculous in tribal costume, but did he care?           t
Nope. He was even doing the war dance thing.
    And of course our own Aussie boys and girls came out to wave at the       k
crowd. Christ knows what *they* were dressed in. Some kind of hideous         n
creation. I think the designer must have unwittingly thrown up over the       o
designs without anyone noticing. And naturally there's not a single           w
Aboriginal on the team. Well, not until they make boomerang throwing,
kangaroo skinning and being beaten up by policemen an Olympic event.          w
    After the teams, how about when all the blokes made human pyramids.       h
Spectacular, though bloody dangerous. Seriously, one banana skin on the       y
ground, and zip... fallen bodies all over the place. Then more of the
boring traditional stuff, like the big flag, the completely unrelated         I
Spanish fashion parade (?!?), and the big flame. Just as well that
archer bloke practised plenty. What if he aimed too low? Woosh, went          b
the flaming arrow, straight into the hair of some guy from Kansas.            o
"Oops mate, sorry about your hair!" But sure enough, he was on target,        t
and the bit where the Olympic flame lights up has now been repeated an        h
estimated 3,000,000 times on various tv stations throughout the world.        e
Great.                                                                        r
    All in all, what a load of bullshit. They could have saved time and       e
money by getting a load of Spanish bulls to crap in the middle of the         d
stadium, and looked at that for three hours. C'mon, let's face it, a          .
three hour extravaganza like that, with opera singing and modern art...
if it hadn't been associated with the Olympics, it would have gone
unnoticed one day on the Sunday afternoon arts programme, or since it
was in Spain, in the middle of the afternoon with subtitles on SBS.
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TOXIC CUSTARD AUGUST DIARY CALENDAR PLANNER THING

  Saturday 1st- Absolutely nothing happens on this day, ever
    Sunday 2nd- Gwen Plumb B. 1922; Monash Open Day 1992, yeah, right ugh
    Monday 3rd- P.D.James B. 1920 in mysterious circumstances
   Tuesday 4th- Queen Mother B. 1900 with a silver spoon in her mouth
 Wednesday 5th- P.D.James D. 1997 in mysterious circumstances
  Thursday 6th- Atomic bomb B. 1945
    Friday 7th- Queen Mother D. 2072
  Saturday 8th- Great Train Robbery 1963. Say bye bye to 2.5 million pounds!
    Sunday 9th- Too depressing to think about, 1945
   Monday 10th- Pay protection money
  Tuesday 11th- Enid Blyton B. 1897 in a magic faraway tree
Wednesday 12th- French do something revolting every day of every year 1742-1991
 Thursday 13th- Toxic Custard B. 1990; Werewolf alert (Full moon)
   Friday 14th- VP Day 1945; Gary Larson B. 1950 to a horse and a dog
 Saturday 15th- Princess Anne B.1950; Berlin Wall gets building permission 1961
   Sunday 16th- Elvis dies in a mass of fat and blubber, 1977
   Monday 17th- Azaria Chamberlain taken by naughty doggy, 1980
  Tuesday 18th- Return library books from 1975
Wednesday 19th- Bart gives warning on Simpsons calendar, 1992
 Thursday 20th- Yet another Gandhi B. 1944
   Friday 21st- Two nobodies born, and the last 1/4 of the moon
 Saturday 22nd- Captain Cook claims eastern Australia 1770; Aborigines disagree
   Sunday 23rd- Just another boring August day
   Monday 24th- White House burns down, 1844
  Tuesday 25th- Nobody important born, nothing happened
Wednesday 26th- Dan Quayle goofs up again, 1992
 Thursday 27th- 38 minute war, 1896; Don Bradman B. 1908 (and another DB, 1970)
   Friday 28th- World's first radio advert, 1922. Out now on tape! Buy buy buy!
 Saturday 29th- Michael Jackson B. black 1958
   Sunday 30th- Don Bradman bats his first century, 1908
   Monday 31st- Princess Anne and hubby separate, 1989; Spring on the horizon

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That's all. Now go away. If you're suicidal enough to want
this crap through email, just reply to this post.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ PS. Apologies if you're Greek, Spanish,
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ French, Australian, Lebanese, Columbian,
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ Saudi, Gary Larson... It was all in the
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ spirit of Olympic co-operation.
Newsgroups: rec.humor