From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: A Few More Days
Date: 20 Dec 92 20:52:44 GMT
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences

In article <BzJotx.HyI@twwells.com> anon-1470@twwells.com (Cujo) writes:
>
>	I have only a few more days before I spend a few weeks at my parents 
>house  (part of which I'm not looking forward to)
>
>
>*******************************Spoiler Warning*********************************
>
>
>
>	One of the things that always scares me going home is my room.  You see
>sice none of my family knows that I was sexually abused as a child they do not
>know that the last place the abuse took place was in my present bedroom.  

Could it make sense to change enough things in your room that it doesn't
set off memories?

>	The sad part is that I sleep with my lamp on (it has a night light).
>What bothers me the most is that my cousin lives only 4 blocks away.  It is 
>very hard to face him.  I think I'm running out of excuses to avoid him.  I'm
>not sleeping well.  (Nightmares always act up before I go home.)
>	I'm not ready to tell my parents about what took my childhood away from
>me.  I remember someone posting a quote from "A Courage to Heal" which says
>that it is your body that betrays you and not yourself.  (I liked the quote.)
>	I'm scared that if my cousin approaches me I will not be able to do
>anything (like I did in the past).  I mean I have a tendency to just not stop
>(a man) when they are doing something I feel uncomfortable with.  It scares me 
>that I go out with men because they ask me and I don't even care about them
>even while kissing them  or anything else.

I assume that I freeze up because I'm frightened....it isn't a badge of
shame anymore....it's just one of those things. It still feels awful. 

I believe that freezing is a survival strategy---it may not be the best
survival strategy, but it can keep you from getting noticed, and sometimes
that helps. (I think that the essence of freezing is going emotionally
invisible.) 

I also believe that a way out of it is by lowering your background panic
level. Meditation, bodywork, exercise, and looking at your real-world
danger level all help. So does observing the parts of your life where you
_don't_ freeze.

>	I know I'm rambling a bit bit at one in the morning (after six hours of
>work) I tend to get this way.  
>	I worte a few pages of how `
>I felt about what happened to me as a child and  I know that it is why I have
>a low self-esteem.  I'm tired of putting up an act to not only my  friends but
>my family.  (I think this dog is still a coward)  

I'm glad that you're getting tired of your self-concealment. I don't think
that calling yourself a coward is a useful strategy. 

>	Maybe after break ( and when I get courage) I'll post what I wrote.
>	People think that I am mean because if someone touches me unexpectly
>from behind I tend to swing first and ask questions later.
>
>I THINK WHAT IS REALLY EATING AT  ME IS:
>
>WHY DO I HAVE THIS INABILITY  TO SAY  NO!!??
>
>This question really eats up at me inside.

With all due respect for your pain, I think that you're asking yourself
the wrong question. I'd recommend asking something like "How do I make it
impossible for myself to say no some of the time?" (I'm betting that you
can say no in less threatening situations.) 

>Time to sign off and go home before I start to cry and pound my fist into domething.  (I thing pounding my fists til I can-t stand the pain (or I break a finger)  is probably my replacement to cutting
>
I don't want to give the impression that I think it's easy to give up
freezing. It can be absolutely terrifying to act, but it's worth the
trouble.

>Peace & Courage
>
>Cujo ( a sad dog, for tonight anyway)
>
Luck and Wisdom,

Nancy Lebovitz
nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery