From: mgundeko@pcserver2.Naitc.Com (Murthy Gundekota)
Subject: The Gundekota File: I am from India So I Need a Date
Organization: Somewhere near Chicago
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 92 18:24:26 GMT



The Gundekota File-Entry#5: I am from India So I Need a Date
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This is what I need. A date for every evening, starting today, until
I get married on January 1st, '93 of this year. By the way, I also need a
bride to get married on January 1st, '93. I know SCI is the right place
to advertise. What else is there? Okay, I know India Abroad. Do you
know how much those news suckers charge? $0.25 per word! Can you
imagine the cost of this message in In-die A-Broad? Wait until I
finish typing. I've only just started. 

I called In-Die A-broad (212-929-2392) and told them I am going to fax
some advertisement material to them and I need the price on it. Fine.
So I faxed the following info:

``Howdie, In-Die A-Broad Readers! I need an Indian babe to horse
around. I am a male, several years younger than 30, several inches
taller than 5', several pounds below 140, several grey pixels on
white, covered with a skin from head to toes, having a nice supportive
crouch, with feet firm on the ground, glossy hair, teeth recently
ordered in the dentist's, eyes only a month ago certified as 20/20
with no color blindness for vision into bedroom through closed blinds,
a moustache to curl up on any pussy cat, side-burns barely visible to
meet American standards, ears large enough to provide lip-sucking
erotic zones. I am also a writer, tennis player, advanced degree
holder, as though they all were taught in one class room. I rarely
fall sick because there are no girls in my neighborhood. I like walks
on the lake when the seagulls are not flying, feeding and pooping
simultaneously. I enjoy sitting under the stars when the bars aren't
open and I am alone without a date. When Wal-Mart closes I make my own
home brew. Also, I am an excellent cook. To be honest, when my food is
burning, it is only my poems that are cooking. I need help in this
area. I love fish. I hate dogs because they are too conscious of their
right to poop anywhere. I dislike cats because they are too
promiscuous. Do you know someone who is like me? If so, please
call me. I am in the area code 708 listed as my first name. By the
way, I hate arranged marriages.''

Guess what that Bahai guy who answered my call that afternoon quoted
for the ad? $154. I ran to my banker and apologised for lying about
my bachelor status. 'Cos now I need a loan to get married.

There is no point in advertising in In-Die A-Broad, is there? One day
I grabbed courage and picked up the phone to respond to an ad in
In-Die A-Broad that read as: ``Systems Analyst looking for compatible
husband.'' Boy am I blessed? It is a miracle to see an ad by an Indian
without the mention of caste, creed and organ sizes. This is truly a
once in a nerd moon opportunity. So I call. A guy answers the phone.
He sez his name is Bhutia. I say, ``Are you the one trying to get
married?'' ``No it's my daughter.'' ``Then, why didn't you say so in
the ad.''  ``Then, you won't call.'' All right, smart aleck, ``Let me
talk to your daughter.'' ``Not so fast sunny, talk to me. Get to know
me.''  ``Get to know you? But why?'' You are an old hag. ``But I am
the father a young, beautiful, professional girl.'' ``Okay, fil. Tell
me what you need. I don't have much money in the bank. I spent it all
on my sports car. Those damned Mitsubishi dealers.'' ``Not to worry.
Send me your picture. Tell me first what you are made of.'' ``I am
bone, fiber and serum. I swear. I am real.'' ``What do you do for
living?''  ``Same things as your daughter.'' ``She models for a tampon
commercial.'' ``Well, I once worked with condoms.'' ``Do you have a
house?'' ``Yeah, my father currently owns it.'' ``What's your monthly
salary?'' ``Same as your daughter.'' ``My daughter volunteers for a
day care center.'' ``Well, sometimes I volunteer during nights.'' ``Do
you smoke?'' ``Depends on what you mean. I don't smoke tobacco.'' ``Do
you drink?'' ``No need to answer that question. I don't believe in
Morarjin.'' ``Do you eat meat?'' ``I love human flesh. I wear it
myself.'' ``All right, send me your picture. If we like you, we don't
send it back.'' ``Does that mean if you don't like me, you will send
it back?'' ``No. We've already spent hazar money on the ad.'' ``Okay,
then. Now can I talk to your daughter?'' ``Oh, she is in India. Do you
want to call her?'' Click.

You have to love the interaction with the girl's father if you aren't
complaining about the phone bill. Here is a trick: if someone sez they
spent hazar money on the ad, tell them your wallet is ticking as
you're talking with them, especially if it's a long distance call.
Good luck, if you're in the same city. Then you have to take flowers
or chocolate.

Sometimes I wonder if Indian couples are the only people on earth who
can't communicate openly and need parents, newspapers, phones to
arrange marriages? How about dates? I will let you know if I hear any
responses. That means, you won't hear from me on this topic again.


Cheers,


Murthy