From: mgundeko@pcserver2.Naitc.Com (Murthy Gundekota)
Newsgroups: alt.culture.us.asian-indian
Subject: Re: ABCDs of dating
Date: 23 Jul 92 16:19:08 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Somewhere near Chicago

In article <1992Jul13.223117.18970@midway.uchicago.edu> moh2@midway.uchicago.edu writes:
>	But what if your parents really just don't want you to date
>non-desis?   My parents would probably rather I didn't date at all,
>but since I do, they would much, much rather I were dating nice Sri
>Lankan, Tamil guys rather than awful nasty Americans.

This is very interesting. In my mind, at least, dating != love or
marriage. So why is parental approval a criterion at all?  Don't
mistake my intention as if don't give a damn to what your parents
think. But, do give a damn, and not any more. 

>	On this, I'll agree with you...but suggest that most Indian
>parents I know do reject the possibility of their children (especially
>daughters...sigh...) going out with and eventually marrying non-desis.
>This is close-minded, yes?
> - Amirthi


I think most Indian parents want CONTROL over whom their daughter (or
son depending on his degree of independence) dates and eventually
marries. Whether their daughter is dating a desi or non-desi they will
exercise this control. For instance, with a meek desi, the parents may
be able to make him dance to their music (all the caste, region,
language, shebang) and discard him for what he is worth. Whereas, an
assertive desi would come out as less than `Indian' by some definition
of the value system either contrived (to repel the daughter) or
contracted (when they were young in some nook back home). A non-desi,
of course, will have to really rub affirmative action into the
daughter's and parent's heads and god only knows where that can lead
to. Some real shake up, like eloping, is not ruled out.

To give a real life example about assertive desi vis-a-vis Indian
parents of an American born girl, here is how the interview took
place: 

Father: ``Do you drink alcohol?''

Assertive desi: ``Yes, I'm a social drinker.''

``Aha, do you eat meat?''

``I don't cook meat at home, but I do eat meat outside home whenever I
can't find veggies.''


``Ahem, have you dated before?''

``Yes.''

``Did things from A to Z?''

``Well, I don't know what you mean, but I was never engaged to
anyone.''

[some brooding, meandering, beating around the bush by the parent and
the wanna be son-in-law]

``That's it. We can't proceed any further. Leave my daughter alone.''

Note that by assertive desi, I also mean someone as honest.
Unfortunately, honesty is not the best policy in the dating game where
parents are involved. 

Once the interview is done, depending on the outcome, these are the
possibilities:

When father (*) approves & girl approves   ==> go cruise around

When father disapproves & girl also disapproves ==> park the car in
						    long-term storage

When father approves & girl disapproves (very rare scenario but change
of mind not ruled out) ==> start the engine, keep it in neutral and
ask the parents to open the door for the girl to get in 

When father disapproves & girl approves ==> if the girl is willing
engage in secrecy until the time for declaration of independence
comes. So tint the car windows!


(*) substitute father with mother or dominant parent.


Murthy
Newsgroups: alt.culture.us.asian-indian,soc.culture.asian.american