From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: Re: SPOILER of an update + cry for help
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 04:28:50 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.163624.1@eagle.wesleyan.edu>, jfriedman@eagle.wesleyan.edu writes:
>Hello all.
>
>It's been a while (almost two months, i think) since I last posted - I haven't
>been reading the net, either.  I thought I had "moved on" and didn't "need"
>this anymore (what does any of that mean?), but I've totally lost my moorings
>and I need you guys again.

Hi jac!  Welcome back.  Although I am sorry you have felt the need to
return, I am very glad that you felt you could turn to us again.  Please
come and go as you need!

[stuff deleted on getting involved with SO only to have the relationship
end when SO goes back to ex-fiance]

>(the fiance) came to visit, I asked my SO if i could meet her (both morbid
>curiosity and a desire to move on and deal with his life as a friend would) and
>he flatly refused, saying it made him uncomfortable, and think how I would feel
>if I were her.  Of course, he never considered how he would feel if he were me,
>going about my life this weekend knowing that my ex and his fiance were a block
>and a half away having sex on my mattress!!! (I loaned it to him for the summer
>b/c I didn't need it and figured I'd get some use out of it there, anyhow)  and
>never even getting the opportunity to look my fears in the eye, which is the
>only way I know how to deal with them that works.  But instead, I bore all of
>the discomfort, because he was willing to share none of it.  (Oh - I forgot,
>when we split up, we promised and swore that we would remain close, which is
>something that I have successfully done several times, so it was not an
>unreasonable promise, at least not for me).  He is not, however, being any kind
>of friend, and i know that I need to talk to hm about it, but I am scared, and
>this break up has already fucked me up big time for reasons I cannot comprehend
>(i am generally rather resilient in relationships) and I am scaredto death.

I am sorry to hear all this.  This all seems so familiar to me also.  I once
was dating someone who, when his ex-fiance came just for a visit (she was
dating someone else, they weren't getting back together) she stayed the week
in his room at the house he shared with all my other closest friends.  It
was pretty humiliating and degrading for me.  

I also usually remain close friends with my ex's.  Usually they are my very
closest friends.  I can certainly sympathise with needing to talk to him
and needing to keep him as a friend, and feeling that loss.  (uh, forgive
me if I'm putting words in your mouth!)

>(WARNING!!!! SPOILER!!!!)
>In addition (or perhaps as a result), I had a rape dream two nights ago, while
>home (family "home") overnight to see a dear friend of mine. (This is while the
... [details deleted]
>The thing that disturbs me the most about having the dream is how calm I am about
>it (and how calm and accepting I was in the dream), even though it came
>basically out of nowhere.  I am afraid i am shutting off a lot of my feelings,
>and allowing others (jealousy, especially) to run wild with my life.  On top of
>everything, my therapist is out of town this week, and her receptionist is beng
>a shit to me b/c she's not supposed to see students during the summer, but she
>wants to see me anyhow, and her receptionist resents my usurpng her time.
>
>Advice?  Support?  Perrspective?  HELP?  Any and all e-hugs would be
>appreciated.

Hmm... perspective?  I don't really feel I have any great pearls of wisdom.
All I can think of as far as advice or perspective, is yes I think it is
possible that jealousy can consume your thoughts and energies to the point
of shutting out other emotions.  Oh, I just had a thought, maybe it will be
of use to you - I am currently reading _The_Dance_Of_Intimacy_ by Harriet
Goldhor Lerner, and she seems to believe that problems in our primary
relationships (with SO's) actually stem from unresolved problems in our
first families...  Yeah we all know that already of course, but the extent
to which she carries this is eye-opening, for me.  For example, she suggests
that rather than focusing on the problem "at hand", we delve deeper into
our own selves to find our own unresolved issues.  This could help the
relationship or not, but it will at least help *us* grow, and thus be better
able to avoid the same problem in the future... (this isn't a very good
description of what the book says, but maybe you get the picture; sorry
if this is something you already know)  Anyway, I guess the book would
suggest that you explore the issues indicated by your dream.  And the jealousy
might in fact get more intense, triggered by the unpleasantness of the
feelings you might be digging up.  In other words, it is unpleasant to deal
with the issues of the dream (or whatever), it is easier to just focus on
your SO and allow the jealousy to override all other emotions and sidetrack
you from what you really need to be dealing with.

Or maybe not.  I don't know.  (I certainly didn't know I was gonna offer
so much advice!!!)

Anyway, you certainly have my support in both dealing with past issues,
and also in dealing with the loss of your relationship.  Good luck.
And also, *hug* for you!

Safe be with you,

-Andy   (kk)