HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: llclark@hubcap.clemson.edu (Lisa Louise Clark)
Subject: Poem
Organization: Clemson University
Distribution: alt
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 23:03:51 GMT

                     Is Anywhere Safe?

Water
I love the water
I always felt safe
Even in the turbulent ocean
But now the pool 
Is inhabbited by a shark
So beautiful and graceful to look at
But it's touch is like sand paper
And it touches all the wrong places
I feel naked
Although I wear a modest suit
The shark wears a suit of charm and deceit
Even the young ones my age
Do not see through it
But my eyes are eyes of a wolf
And they see everything
 
The shark comes closer
And I leap from the water to the land
Only to find 
It is not safe there either 
For the shark is now a tiger
Hunting its young prey- me.
This time, it wears nothing
And calls me to it
Sinnfully, I obey.
I go to it, not expecting what I see
Surely it wouldn't drop its camoflage 
In the open like it was
But it did, and came closer.
I ran and ran
But even now, miles away
It is still chasing me
I see it in every face
That comes too close
Waiting to strike again...
        Is anywhere safe?
    
    
                     Touch Not, For I Fear!
 
Why must I feel ashamed
When it was he who touched
Why must I feel fear
When you have done no wrong 
 
I feel so different
About relationships
And touching is only
For the brave
 
Why must I hide
Behind a shell of lies
When I know that   
It was so wrong
 
Why must I keep
Inside this dark secret
Because I know
No one will understand
 
And once again,
   I will be alone.
From: anon-1425@twwells.com (pathfinder)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: *THANKS ASAR*
Date: 24 Jan 93 01:08:13 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi everyone

I just wanted to say im alive,and well,and have made a promise to myself
to never hit myself again.Thanks to ASAR and everyone in here,i have found
a nice path to walk on.
I've reached a point where i can start to talk about my abuse-event
when i was young, to my family.

*THANKS* ASAR
*THANKS* to All who supported me when i was in need for it!!!!!!!

Hang in there,all of you!!!

Pathfinder



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From: emiddlec@mora.gac.edu (Eric Middlecamp)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: stupid girl
Date: 21 Jan 1993 21:04:57 GMT
Organization: Gustavus Adolphus College
NNTP-Posting-Host: chipotle.gac.edu

In article <C15vJz.FCJ@twwells.com>  writes:
>yes everyone darkangel is an idiot
>such a sham
>
>telling people not to cut
>that there are other ways
>blah blah blah
>
>and then she cuts anyway
>...

Try not to feel so bad about yourself..  You *are* being
"strong," and "brave.." Keep in mind you are doing these
the only way you know how.. Keep looking, keep learning..
From: anon-1515@twwells.com (Aardvark)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ways
Date: 23 Jan 93 09:07:46 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Richard Romanowski writes:

>> Opening
>>eyes and ears is the only way the endless cycle of abuse can be stopped.

>Christ, I hope there are more and better ways!  I HATE this way!
>Isn't there one that involves lynching rapists?  *sigh*  If I can

I wish there were. I'm not a violent person and I would never harm 
anyone, but if someone killed my perps tomorrow I'd probably send that 
person roses.  Especially if he/she did it because they were perps.

(Boy am I glad this is anonymous.)

aardvark (not ready to turn the other cheek yet)



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,soc.bi
From: STella@thelema.uucp (STella)
Subject: Re: Why I read a.s.a.r. (was: For Non-Abused Skeptics)
Organization: Idiosyncratic Anarchic Order
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 93 11:43:06 GMT

In article <1993Jan19.223923.15576@unet.net.com> stank@perrault.unet.com (Stan Knight) writes:
>In article <C13vyG.79E@dcs.ed.ac.uk> pdc@dcs.ed.ac.uk (Paul Crowley) writes:
>>This might be an aside, but I'll take this opportunity to recommend
>>stage diving to everyone*

>*Not recogmended for persons over 300lbs.

>Stan Knight
>|Talk about a whale of a good time!|

Thank you for sharing, rude boy!

I shake my flab contemptuously in your general direction!

STella@xanadu.com	1016 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA 94087
STella%thelema.uucp@dec.com	Don't blame me, I voted Libertarian!

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: Birds
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 15:40:44 GMT

In article <C1A21o.A1A@twwells.com> anon-1534@twwells.com (Suzanna) writes:
>At the suggestion of a friend, I decided to feed birds a few days ago.
>This was a wonderful experience, and I hope some of you find this
>interesting and relevant. I'm sorry if it isn't. I'm sorry about the
>following text being "quoted material", but I'm not very clever and
>only know how to change it manually.
>
[details of feeding sparrows deleted]

It's good to see you--I just got back and didn't see any of your posts and
was wondering if you were alright.

I enjoyed reading about you feeding the birds...I think that sort of 
experience is a lot of what recovery is for.

> > It was beautiful, and it made me feel so happy. But again, it made me
> > so very, very sad. Is it always like this, that happy things are sad?
> > That time passes, and things wither and die, and I am left with just a
> > faint memory of the joy, and not the joy itself, or anything
> > fulfilling?

For what it's worth, I've heard that that sort of sadness is standard
in some forms of Buddhism. For them, it's just an accurate perception
of the way things are. 

>I am sorry if this is not relevant to this newsgroup.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I liked it.

Nancy
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: stuff
Date: 21 Jan 93 19:27:17 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

finally understand why i don't feel anything 
toward any of the people who raped me

realise i can't hate
because then you either destroy yourself
or others
and when nothing is left
or others
turns in on itself
or othersy

and then you don't need anyone more to hate you
you already hate yourself
and your jaws snap hungrily at nothing              

rambling again
so who knows if any of this made sense even to me
ah well
darkangel



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: fsacp@acad3.alaska.edu
Subject: For Ashley
Organization: University of Alaska Fairbanks
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 21:14:19 GMT

Ashley,
   I'll listen to you, and I'll correspond with you through mail
either E-mail or regular mail and even both.

  It may not seem like it, but you really really did do a good thing by posting
here, it shows that you want to get better.

  When I read your post, it hit home, while my parents (that I know of) didn't
abuse me sexually (they di many other ways though), I have been raped by
boyfriends, simply because I dissasociated and wasn't there mentally to say yes
or no, I have also been raped in other ways also.

  I have those feelings of pain, and not wanting to go on, but if you continue
to go on things should get better!
  Keep on posting and I should probably be able to get a Snail-Mail letter out
to you in the mean time.

Take care of yourself!
Jay
  Someone who's willing to listen and DOES understand!
From: anon-1511@twwells.com (mouse)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: thanks amy
Date: 25 Jan 93 14:11:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


hi amy (anon-1592), i tried to reply to your post, but you don't have
mail turned on.
here's what i posted:


hi, amy, thanks for your encouraging words about relationships
my SO and i are having to really open up to each other
and communicate
and we've discovered that we are both frightened to death
of intimacy

it helped so much to know that others have
feelings similar to mine
right now there is a very strong part of me that
absolutely hates men 

**(please, no offense intended to any men who may read this
i realize this part of me is distorted and i'm working on it :) **

and is just looking for "proof" that all men are bastards
and just want one thing
and yet there is a part just as strong that
yearns for the love 
and approval of men and somehow doesn't feel complete without it

thanks so much

mouse





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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: eoliver@ralph.cs.haverford.edu (Erik Oliver)
Subject: Re: I'm a perpetrator, too
Organization: Haverford College Computer Science Department
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 20:26:03 GMT

In article <C1D4qH.43C@twwells.com> anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman) writes:
>X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9415
>
>
>***Spoiler Warning*** (I should have had that in the subject, too, 
>but I forgot, sorry 'bout that)
>
>Graphic language and a sick story follow:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>I'm a perpetrator of sexual abuse.  I was abusing again last night and I
>feel so guilty about what I do to my victim over and over and over.
>
>
>
>I was sexually abused when I was a little boy.  From then on I was
>an abuser.  I keep abusing that little boy inside me and it makes me
>disgusted with myself.
>
	So you are talking about self abuse here?  Or are you saying that
you are seeking out other children and abusing them?

	If it is the latter, you will get less then no sympathy from me,
but rather my complete and utter hatred and dislike.

	If it is the former, may I suggest couseling, talking about it more
and a variety of other things.

-Erik
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: RE FYI Teachers Courts & Afterwards
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:30:48 GMT

Aardvark (anon-1515@twwells.com) wrote:

: I read that article and thought it was included so we could all give 
: kudos to the school boards that refused to rehire the teachers.  The 
: courts are often corrupt.  I'm glad the school boards are trying to 
: protect kids.

Why would we want to do that?  Why would one want to see one's career
destroyed on account of someone's accusations, accusations that were
proven to be false?

I think that one needs to look farther into this before coming down so
firmly on either side.  Yes, the courts are corrupt, yes, people make
mistakes, yes, impressionable children are led to make false accusations,
yes, people molest kids.  The world isn't so black-and-white as to have
one believe that every accusation of rape or molestation is true or
false - it all depends on what the truth *really* is.  All too often,
that truth is deliberately obscured by one side or the other, for
personal or political reasons.

In our society, the criminal justice system has been set up so that what
you seem to want will not happen - mainly, that a person will not be
condemned by innuendo, rumor, or false accusation.  Just because one has
been accused of molestation doesn't make it true - and the old adage
about "where there's smoke, there's fire" proves to be correct - but for
the wrong reasons.  One of the most vicious attacks one can make against
another's character is to call them a child molester - especially one
in a position of trust over children.  Whether it is true or not is sometimes
irrelevent - the accuser has something to gain by making the accusation.
What is it?  Is it a genuine concern to protect children against a person
who would otherwise take advantage of their position to perpetrate a
horrible crime?  Or is it something else; a slight, perhaps, or because
the teacher is black and the accuser white, or because of jealousy, or a
thousand different reasons.

My point here is that everyone accused of a crime isn't automatically guilty,
and if a fair trial finds that person innocent, they should be treated as
innocent.  Mob psychology and kangaroo courts and lynch mobs have no place
in our society.
-- 
Ed Carp			erc@apple.com, erc@saturn.upl.com	801/538-0177
1935 will go down in history.  For the first time, a civilized nation has
full gun registration.  Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient,
and the world will follow our lead into the future.  --Adolf Hitler
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: glink@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Gary Link)
Subject: Re: never learn
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 22:16:39 GMT

It's Susanna again, posting on her SO's account.  

Just because men use you doesn't make your worth any less.
I have been there where you are right now, so close to the edge,
and about ready to go over, with nothing to hold me, not even the
thought of the people I'd leave behind, but something has always
kept me here.

I am almost 40, divorced, without custody of my children, and life is
nothing but one big, never-ending heartache, a pain in my chest
so big I can't breathe around it.  

I know your pain.  I wish I could make it better.
All I can say is that I have read your posts, and I
wish I could do for you what people here on asar have done for
me.

If I can give you strength, take it.
If not, just remember that your life and your self are of
value, to you.  You deserve the best.  We all do here.

Take care.

Susanna
From: ocean@deeptht.armory.com (/u/ocean/.mailbox)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: test msg
Date: 21 Jan 1993 01:25:15 -0600
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.utexas.edu

test message, please disregard.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk (Clive Grace)
Subject: Re: myth of poohbear
Reply-To: cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 14:58:00 +0000


Poohbear.

I believe you too, I've read and read your writing, I've listened to 
my heart and the spirit inside me feels your truth. 

Please take care

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  ..    "When I grow up, I want to stop being a computer journalist|
| .OO.    and learn how to write."                                  |
| O/\O                                                              |
|  --                              Tanais - friend to all furkindred|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk | Bisexual knitter of quality since 1992|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+


+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  ..    "When I grow up, I want to stop being a computer journalist|
| .OO.    and learn how to write."                                  |
| O/\O                                                              |
|  --                              Tanais - friend to all furkindred|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
|cliveg@cix.compulink.co.uk | Bisexual knitter of quality since 1992|
+-------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: books that make things just a bit better
Date: 23 Jan 93 05:06:54 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <HHZWBAYW@cc.swarthmore.edu>, eoliver@ralph.cs.haverford.edu (Erik
Oliver) writes:
>I'd just like to add my voice to the book list suggestions:

<List deleted for bandwidth>

I've officially made note of the books, and they will be appearing in the next
FAQ, along with your breif descriptions.  Thanks!!!

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: Re: FMS, PAX, Relkie-foxholes, FEAR NO EVIL
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 13:50:24 GMT

In article <C16KHE.9vJ@acsu.buffalo.edu>
rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski) writes:
 
>1)
>        I'm so proud.  Everybody uses FMS and no one explains what it stands
>for -- but I think I've figured it out...
>
>        ... False ... Memory ... Syndrome ...?????
>
>        Do I get a gold star, huh, do I do I?
>        Did I guess right, huh, huh did I did I?
 
No to both of the above! [sound of the buzzer!!!] Its False Memory Society.
 
>        Who was there in the hour of our need?  What power protected us?
>NONE!  We are the Abandoned, and WE STILL LIVE!  We have no need of human
>allies, nor of "safe spaces," nor of support.  All Rapists are Weak
>and All Survivors are Strong.
 
I would disagree and say that yes we do need safe spaces and support. I would
have committed suicide years ago without these things.
 
>        Because each instant, each one of us Decides anew to Live.
>No one helps us;  we Live Unsupported, Unconquered, Unconquerable.
>
>        My name is Richard M. Romanowski, rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu, and the
>worst you can do to me is kill me, because I will die fighting before I
>will let anyone rape me again.  And you can try whatever you like --
>do your worst or your best, but you can not rape me.  Thus I have nothing
>to fear.
 
HERE, HERE!!! [applause]
 
>        You are strong enough, right now, to blow off your anon-address,
>to post from your regular account.  You are strong enough to tell anybody
>who might be interested that you are a survivor, but you frankly don't
>give a good God damn who knows or doesn't know.  You are strong enough,
>all by yourself.
 
I agree!!!!! Someone said recently that they thought that the reason I don't
post anon was because I'd confronted my perps and therefore didn't need to. I
didn't (and still don't) quite understand their reasoning. Maybe they figured
that this meant I didn't need to hide?
 
BUT, I want to say for the record that I ***NEVER*** hidden the fact that I was
raped, even though it didn't do me any good for the first 5 years that I spoke.
(in fact when I tried to tell my favorite teacher in the 8th grade that I was
being abused in my home, he said, "oh, you're just mad because your mother
wouldn't buy you a new dress.") WHAT A FLAMING ASSHOLE!!!
 
Anyway, I refuse to hide my identity. I never have and I never will. And if
people don't like that fact, they can just eat shit.
 
[btw, I'm saying this is my opinion, not that everyone else should agree with
me.]
 
Gotta go,
 
Erin
From: sbecker@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Early-morning self-hatred
Date: 24 Jan 93 06:04:11 CST
Organization: University of Kansas Academic Computing Services

Hiya.

The most insidious trap for me lately is fear that turns into anger at myself.
Once I start beating up on myself for repeating old patterns, for allowing
myself to be hurt, the self-hatred/scorn kicks in and spins on endlessly.
I expect others to be supportive and gentle when I'm hurting, but can't seem
to do myself the same favor.

I also find that this self-deprecation and fear make me isolate myself,
shut down and shut out others, maybe 'cuz I don't want to get hurt again,
and maybe partly 'cuz I don't feel "good enough" or "healthy/normal enough"
to be around others.  But this also merely increases my loneliness and pain.

Nothing like a self-perpetuating cycle of fear/anger/depression to get me
really good and frustrated!

I guess it's easier to be angry at me <'cuz it implies that I have control
over what's hurt me> than get angry and who/whatever's scaring me.

Bleh.  Feh.

Sorry for the brain spew.

Sarah
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1349@twwells.com (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To Poohbear
Date: 25 Jan 93 16:36:03 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:


>sometimes i think i'm like the water lilies monet did
>from far away they are so beautiful and structured
>and then up close you see blobs of anarchy
>that are really just nothing
>
>which is ok if you are a painting
>but not very ok if you are supposed to be a person
>im just sand sand sand


poohbear - this is beautiful - may I use this as an anonymous quote?

[some important concerns about school deleted]

>i have not cut
>now i am just ripping out my hair
>big big bald spots
>whats that called...triskatillomania or some odd thing
>
>anyway no scars this way and s.o. does not see and yell
>well must go now
>suzanna the birds were beautiful and pure thanks
>
>poohbear

yeah, trichotillomania - I do this too, but not on my head - but with
eyebrows & pubic hair.  

birds are beautiful and can fill the soul.

Mary






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