From: wadlow@bela.music.washington.edu (John Wadlow)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: A nagging question
Date: 15 Sep 92 04:03:11 GMT
Article-I.D.: u.1992Sep15.040311.16313
Reply-To: jwad@milton.u.washington.edu
Organization: University of Washington


If I say anything that offends anybody, I'm not.  What I'm trying to do is  
describe myself and I realize that other people are different.  
         ^^^^^^
O.K. I'm going to admit that I am confuse and it's not all completely  
about my bi-ness either.  The nagging questions is, "I'm I trying to fool  
myself and deny that I'm gay?"  I hate that question, it's bad enough that  
I get it from gays and straights but why do I have ask it myself?  Would  
it be alright if I was?  I don't know how to answer that.  I recently told  
someone who asked me that question that I was gay (in the sense that I  
like men) and I can deal with it.  I do have some problems with it but I  
think the hardest problem is dealing with liking girls too.

A little background on this problem is necessary, I guess.  I'm about to  
go into a relationship and frankly, I'm completely SCARED.  I'm 23 and  
I've never been in a intimate relationship. This is all NEW to me.  I  
don't know why I get scared when a possible relationship comes up but I  
do.  It's with another woman (I'm male -- names can be deceiving ;) ) and  
I'm pretty sure that she likes me.  All I have to do now is talk with her.   
I constantly talk about her and yesterday I had the biggest blush when  
someone asked me who she was. I really enjoy the relationship as friends  
and I'm hoping that it can go further.

(big breath)

O.K. what does this have to do with that question?  Well, I have a  
tendency to sabotage anything that I want.  Why?  I don't know that  
either.  I haven't gotten jobs, grades, etc because of it.  Last week the  
question was, "Are we really compatible?" and this week it is "I'm I gay?"
I use to think that I was physically attracted to men and emotionally  
attracted to women.  I once said to a gay friend (didn't know he was gay)  
that gay's only want sex and couldn't fall in love.  I was only trying to  
sort out my feelings at the time.  I was wrong and in the last month of  
being out, my heterosexuality and my homosexuality have cooled off their  
war with others.  

However, all of a sudden I'm having doubts.  I think it's because if I was  
gay then I could avoid being in love (I know that I can fall in love with  
another man but I could also easily avoid it too) and not deal with the  
emotions of being in love bring. Each time I think that question, I get  
myself to think about all the women that I have had sex with and realize  
that I have enjoy it but that question seems to be coming with more force  
with the closer the day comes that I've plan to tell the woman I love that  
I love her.  WHY?

Does anyone one out there ask this question of themselves? Honesty here,  
please.  Also, any advice on relationships?  I think I'll try this out, if  
she's willing **hope**, if it doesn't work then....then that will be then.   
Does anyone else have this feeling of being scared when going into a  
relationship?  Also, it seems that (this is just an observation) bi's have  
a tendency to have a person of the opposite sex as their main SO.  Is  
there anyone out there that this is the opposite?  How's it working out?  

Well, I'm tired and I can't think of all the questions I want to ask.  

Thanks and *HUGS* to everyone.

john a wadlow - wishes he had time or the energy to make a .sig file.
jwad@milton.u.washington.edu 
 
Newsgroups: soc.bi