From: news@fedfil.UUCP (news)
Newsgroups: talk.origins
Subject: Favorite astronomer jokes
Date: 26 Sep 92 15:38:11 GMT
Organization: HTE






It appears obvious to me that the twentieth century American
scientific community in general and the astronomical profession
in particular, are, in the next century, going to come in for a
great deal of opprobrium, calumny, criticism, ridicule, abuse
etc. etc. for the manner in which Immanuel Velikovsky was dealt
with and for the steadfast refusal of establishment scientists
to deal with the emergent discipline of catastrophism until at
least two generations of them have died out altogether.  Maybe
the term I want is DISSIN', as in "He was dissin' my woman, so I
snuffed him out with my Uzzi..."  Our present astronomers are
going to come in for some DISSIN' in the next century.



I have only one problem with this:  it flies in the face of the
old Yankee adage against putting off until tommorrow what can be
done today.  The following are a few of my favorite astronomer
jokes:



How many redneck astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer:  Four...  one to actually change the bulb, another to
write a song about it, and two more to gt into a fight over it
out in the parking lot.



Why are there just two pallbearers at an astronomers funeral? 
There are only two handles on a garbage can.



Why did Frederick the Great refuse to allow astronomers to swim
in the Baltic?  He was afraid it would leave a ring.



Paul Hogan walks into a public house in Sydney with a 25'
Australian crockadile on a chain, and says to the bartender: 
"Evenin, Mate!  Do you serve Ass-tronomers 'ere?"   "Why
certainly, no problem at all!" replies the bartender.  "Great!!"
says Hogan, "I'll 'ave two fer me crock, an' a pint o' ale fer
me'self!"



Back in the 1930's, the ace German spy Von Beulow was given a
special mission to keep track of a particular project in outer
Slobbovia which was of interest to Nazi planners, and was told
that surgeons at Berlin General had devised a special operation
which would allow him to act dopey enough to pass for an outer
Slobbovian and not be apprehended:  they were going to remove
half his brain.  The operation went badly;  Von Beulow was in a
coma for six months afterwards, and when he finally did come to,
he was surrounded by doctors, SS types, Nazi beurocrats and
others all trying to see who could apologize most profusely: 
"We're TERRIBLY sorry, Herr Von Beulow", lamented one of them,
"the surgeons got the wrong instructions and removed NINETY
PERCENT of your brain.  But Von Beulow took little notice of
them;  he had a blank stare in his eyes and kept repeating,
"Billions and billions of years, OH MY!", "Billions an Billions
of years, OH MY!", "Billions...."



What's a crying shame?  A boatload of astronomers going over
Niagara Falls with an empty seat.



What's black and brown and looks good on an astronomer?  A
doberman.



An astronomer walks into a bar with a duck under one arm. 
"That's a might fine looking pig you've got there!" says the
bartender.  "Why, that's not a pig, that's a DUCK!" replies the
astronomer.  "I was TALKING to the duck!" says the bartender.



Variant:  "Where in God's world did you find such an UGLY pig..."



An astronomer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. 
"Where'd you get THAT?" queeries the barkeep.  "Why, there're
hundreds of them just like that running around Cornell!" replies
the parrot.



I'll save the one about the astronomer's daughter and the three
pigs for next time.





-- 
Ted Holden
HTE