From: idx009@cck.coventry.ac.uk (the Crisco Kid)
Subject: Re: Some fears and doubts about my sexuality
Organization: Eris's Restaurant
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 16:56:42 GMT

In article <1992Sep26.162308.42250@bas-a.bcc.ac.uk> SA121@phx.cam.ac.uk (Arrowsmith) writes:
>In article <a6xqbrzw@cck.coventry.ac.uk> idx009@cck.coventry.ac.uk (the Crisco Kid) writes:
>>That second point.  Any "stability" that I may get from other people -
>>friends, lovers, whoever - is *supplementary* to the stability I have
>>in myself.  It can't be counted on.  The only person I can't lose, whom
>>I can rely on always being there, is me.  If I don't have security
>>enough of myself, then I can't afford to live (for anything other than
>>bleak terrible moments) on others' gifts.
>>
>Well, I went away and had a good think about this.  You could well be right
>about it being dangerous to rely on others -- it would certainly go some
>way to explaining how I got so completely screwed up.  But, on the other
>hand, I don't have that internal stability -- I *can't* rely on myself -- 
>so my only chance is to get it from others, if I'm to survive.  Maybe the
>external support would be enough for me to get some sort of self-confidence
>back, but it's almost impossible to find anything purely within myself that
>would give me that sort security.  I feel, well, hollow -- like there's no
>real "me" inside, that there's just some sort of shell that only really
>exists as a reflection, or creation, of those around me.  What it needs, I
>guess, is convincing me that I'm more than that, that somebody can see the
>"me" that can be trusted, and to show it to me.

Lordy, lordy, lordy, this is turning into alt.therapy.amateur-shrink, isn't
it?

But seriously; this is something that you need help with.  I know.  Now,
I'm not going to tell you all about my adolescence and why it so nearly
killed me, but... that's exactly how I started feeling when I was fourteen.
Everything slipped away; all closeness, all meaning, all pleasure.  Now,
that I could cope with; there hadn't exactly been a superfluity of them
before.  It was when even sadness and pain fell away that things got really
bad.  The less I was motivated to interact with people, the less they
interacted with me, the less I existed.  Hollow?  I felt like the silvering
on a Dewar vessel: a vacuum inside, and thick glass separating me from the
world outside.

Unfortunately I managed to fail to make this evident enough to the people
around me that they didn't notice what happened until I shut down
completely.  The real world and I went our separate, and very different,
ways, and it took a great deal of professional effort to get be back
again.

It was they who gave me myself back, and made me value it.  That's where
the great security starts: I am.  None of this cogito ergo lark; just
that.  Keep hold of it.

I don't think you need the intense stuff that I needed; just some people
who you can share this stuff with, and get (and learn to give) enough
support to get yourself together.  May I suggest that you find out if
there's a co-counselling group in your area?

				Kay
-- 
6'2", dark short hair, blue eyes, bisexual and horny as ....
Kay Dekker, Dept of Industrial Design, Coventry University, Coventry UK
37 Old Winnings Road, Keresley Village, Coventry   |B0 f t+ g++ k++! s+ e r p!
Phone: +44 203 838668 (work) +44 203 337865 (home) |Deflowerer-of-innocents