From: klm@gozer.mv.com (Kevin L. McBride)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d,rec.humor,alt.flame
Subject: Re: Net.idiots v1.2
Date: 3 Sep 92 20:50:47 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,rec.humor,alt.fan.warlord,alt.flame
Organization: GhostBuster Central - Southern NH Usenet Access, Nashua, NH

hinz@picard.med.ge.com (David Hinz Mfg 4-6987) writes:

> Grig Larson (walrus@bessel.umd.edu) wrote:
> : Here at Punkadyne Laboratories and Archives ("Where 'Get a life' takes on a
> : whole new meaning..."), we have been researching the net.idiots for over
> : a year.  Many of them could be cured simply by the following file.  Then
> : again, with some of them it's a wonder they can type at all.  
> : 
> : In cases of severe net.idiocy, we suggest you save this file, and reply
> : via private post (public post for severe infestations only) with this
> : file.  It will save you a cumbersome flame, and maybe the net.idiot will
> : learn a thing or two.
> : 
> : 
> : MINOR GRAMMAR LESSON  (you should have learned this in 4th grade):
> : ------------
> : 
> : Your: Possesive               "Your manners are common usually only to
> :                                babboons."
> : You're: Contraction of        "You're a total incontinent moron."
> :         "You are"
> : Yor: Hunter of the Future     "Yor say, 'Eat meat of enemies, it make 
> :                                you strong!'"
> : ------------
> : It's: Contraction of "It is"  "It's amazing that you have a brain at all."
> : 
> : Its: Possesive                "Your continued anal retentiveness may cause
> :                                your computer to dump its core."
> : ------------
> : To: Preposition               "To call you an idiot would be insulting to
> :                                idiots."
> : Too: adverb meaning "very"    "You are too stupid for idiots, too."
> :      or "as well"          
> : Two: The number 2             "It would take two of you to make one idiot."
> : ------------
> : 
> : 
> : POSSESSIVES:
> : ------------
> : 
> : No apostrope if it is         "The postmasters said to give up your access."
> : NOT a possevive.
> : 
> : An apostrophe if it           "Your postmaster's patience with you ran out."
> : is really a possessive
> : 
> : Note change in apostrophe     "All the users' decisions agreed on one point:
> : location for multiple          You should give up computing all together."
> : possessives
> : 
> : You can also use an           "The postmaster's pretty pissed at you."
> : apostrophe as a contraction
> : of "is"
> : ------------
> : Loose:  not tight or          "Loosely speaking, you are an idiot on
> :         rampantly mobile       the loose."
> : 
> : Lose:  opposite of "win"      "You are a complete loser."
> : 
> : 
> : 
> : 
> : MANY ANNOYING NET.HABITS
> : -------------
> : 
> : One of the first things that a lot of idiots for get is the "return" key or the "enter" key.  This causes an annying wraparound effect that screws up many scrolling utilities.
> : 
> : 
> : I think that this message is STUPID!  I hope this poster would die for taking
> : up my time with his annoying correct grammar drills.  Who the fuck does he 
> : think he is anyway?  He tells me to use the "kill" function, but I am way too
> : stupid to even think about using anything, including the "next" fuction.  
> : Complaining is my way to show the world that I live in a bubble of my own self-
> : pity and have no concept of people outside myself.
> : 
> : >>>>>> Cascades are really annoying
> : >>>>> Kool-aid bars are for toying
> : >>>> Drooling bears are ploying
> : >>> Cooling cars are going
> : >> Fooling around unknowing
> : > Posting without IQ showing
> : Rhyming abused and growing
> : 
> : Never
> : 
> : use
> : 
> : too
> : 
> : many
> : 
> : control L breaks
> : ^L
> : And always know which one works.
> : 
> : Try 2 not uze 2 many cute contractions.  This makes U l00k like a 13yr-old BBS
> : geek. & nevr uze phrases like "Metalica R00lz!" "CUL8R d00d" or "UR so
> : stupit."
> : 
> : KEEP YOUR .SIGS REASONABLY SHORT
> : ----------
> : 
> : ___________________________________________________________________________
> : |#########################################################################|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#|   *****  *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *****                |#|
> : |#|     *    *    *  *        ** **  *      *      *   *                |#|
> : |#|     *    ******  ***      * * *  ***    *  **  *****   *****        |#|
> : |#|     *    *    *  *        *   *  *      *   *  *   *                |#|
> : |#|     *    *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *   *                |#|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#|   ****   *****  *****         *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
> : |#|   *  **    *    *             *        *    *        *      *   *   |#|
> : |#|   ****     *    *  **         *****    *    *  **    *      *   *   |#|
> : |#|   *  **    *    *   *     **      *    *    *   *    *      *   *   |#|
> : |#|   ****   *****  *****     **  *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#|            T-H-E  M-E-G-A  B-I-G  .S-I-G  C-O-M-P-A-N-Y             |#|
> : |#|                  ~-----------------------------~                    |#|
> : |#|  "Annoying people with huge net.signatures for over 20 years..."    |#|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#|---------------------------------------------------------------------|#|
> : |#| "The difference between a net.idiot and a bucket of shit is that at |#|
> : |#|  least a bucket can be emptied.  Let me further illustrate my point |#|
> : |#|  by comparing these charts here. (pulls out charts)  Here we have a |#|
> : |#|  user who not only flames people who don't agree with his narrow-   |#|
> : |#|  minded drivel, but he has this huge signature that takes up many   |#|
> : |#|  pages with useless quotes.  This also makes reading his frequented |#|
> : |#|  newsgroups a torture akin to having at 300 baud modem on a VAX. I  |#|
> : |#|  might also add that his contribution to society rivals only toxic  |#|
> : |#|  dump sites."                                                       |#|
> : |#|                     -- Robert A. Dumpstik, Jr                       |#|
> : |#|                        President of The Mega Big Sig Company        |#|
> : |#|                        September 13th, 1990 at 4:15pm               |#|
> : |#|                        During his speech at the "Net.abusers        |#|
> : |#|                        Society Luncheon" during the                 |#|
> : |#|                        "1990 Net.idiots Annual Convention"          |#|
> : |#|_____________________________________________________________________|#|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#| Thomas Babbit, III: 5th Assistant to the Vice President of Sales    |#|
> : |#|      __                                                             |#|
> : |#|  ==========    ______             Digital Widget Manufacturing Co.  |#|
> : |#|         \\     /                  1147 Complex Incorporated Drive   |#|
> : |#|        )-=======                  Suite 215                         |#|
> : |#|                                   Nostromo, VA 22550-1147           |#|
> : |#| #NC-17 Enterpoop Ship :)          Phone # 804-844-2525              |#|
> : |#|    ----------------               Fax # 804-411-1115                |#|
> : |#| "Shut up, Wesley!"                Online Service # 804-411-1100     |#|
> : |#|                  -- Me            at 300-2400, and now 9600 baud!   |#|
> : |#|                                   PUNet: tbabb!digwig!nostromo      |#|
> : |#| Home address:                     InterNet: dvader@imperial.emp.com |#|
> : |#| Thomas Babbit, III                Prodigy: Still awaiting author-   |#|
> : |#| 104 Luzyer Way                             ization                  |#|
> : |#| Sulaco, VA 22545                  "Manufacturing educational widget |#|
> : |#| Phone # 804-555-1524               design for over 3 years..."      |#|
> : |#|=====================================================================|#|
> : |#|                                                                     |#|
> : |#|  Introducing:                                                       |#|
> : |#|                                 ______                              |#|
> : |#|  The  |\  /|                         /                              |#|
> : |#|       | \/ |                        /                               |#|
> : |#|       |    |                       /                                |#|
> : |#|       |    |                      /                                 |#|
> : |#|       |    | ETELHED             /_____ ONE                         |#|
> : |#|'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'|#|
> : |#| 50Megs Online!  The k00l BBS for rad teens!  Lots of games and many |#|
> : |#| bases for kul topix!  Call now and be validated to the Metelhed Zone|#|
> : |#|                      -- 804-555-8500 --                             |#|
> : |#|\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\V/////////////////////////////////////|#|
> : |#| "This is the end, my friend..."      -- The Doors                   |#|
> : |#########################################################################|
> : ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> : Hit "b" to continue
> : 
> : Hahahha... fooled u!
> :  
> : 
> : 
> : 
> : SOMETIMES, IDIOTS WHO ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY WILL LEAVE THE ALL CAPS KEY ON
> : AND GIVE YOU HEADACHES, BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF OUR BRAINS, OTHER
> : NET.USERS THINK THAT ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING AT US.
> : 
> : similarily we can get headaches from idiots who dont believe in punctuation
> : and sometimes leave out words that important to understand phrase makes it
> : very hard to understand we have read it over and over times to do so and 
> : sometimes the sentence loses a lot meaning and gibberish orange bucket of
> : plaster sometime it is that way i dont think they capitalize much there for
> : it to when so and then some
> : 
> :                                                                Try to
> :                                                                avoid
> :                                                                unneccessary
> :                                                                spaces
> : 
> :                                                                or tabs.
> : 
> : Not all of us are at 9600 baud, you know.
> : 
> : 
> : Crossposting fanatics.  Stop.  I have seen lines like:
> : 
> : Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.besiality,rec.tv.simpsons.maggie.suck.suck.suck,
> : rec.soc.wicca,alt.tv.melrose.place,comp.usa.unix.programmers,rec.humor,
> : rec.humor.gag,rec.humor.lemme.post.that.dyslexic.agnostic.joke.again,
> : gay.vollyball,alt.satanism,alt.I.think.Im.evil.but.Im.just.a.geek,rec.dot.
> : dot,rec.easily.offended.newsgroups,rec.dot.etc
> : 
> : Also, FAQ means "Frequently Asked Questions."  Try to read one if one is
> : available for a group to avoid looking this stupid:
> : 
> : >Newsgroup: rec.arts.tv.startrek
> : >
> : >In message 921111.023556 bmoose@whatsamattaU.edu (Bullwinkle Moose) says:
> : >
> : >   Duh, like that Dr. Spock guy.  Why does he have pointy ears?  And has
> : >anyone noticed that the guy who plays Captain Cerk is not a very good
> : >actor?  And is that a toupee?
> : 
> : 
> : FLAMING:
> : --------
> : 
> : Do not flame:
> : --------
> : media trivia:
> : 
> : >In message 921111032241 cforrester@gizmonic.com (Dr. Clayton Forrester) says:
> : >
> : >to think that.  I would think that the main reason Data said that to LaForge
> : >is to hurry the plot line along.  I mean, not that it matters, but that's
> : >what I thought they meant.
> : 
> : How fucking DARE you think that?  What kind of ignoramous are you?  You are
> : so fucking stupid!  The Star Trek writers spend at least 2 months on each
> : episode.  They go into infallable scientific detail, and you, Mr Smartypants,
> : (oh, excuse me *Dr.* Smartypants) has to give us airs and try and use the
> : old line "It's just a TV show."  I have heard people say that so much, my
> : fist hurts by the end of the day from punching so many people.  It's not
> : *just* a TV show, but a guru of programming!  I even step out of my parent's
> : basement to watch it on their color TV!  This show is much more sophisticated
> : than you could ever fathom.  There is no such thing as a "plot advance" or
> : whatever you neandrathall of a loser think it was.  It was a hidden message
> :        [example shortened by eight pages for sake of morals]
> : 
> : 
> : someone else's flame:
> : 
> : >In message 920101121542 acapone@chistate.edu (Allan Capone) says:
> : >
> : >You filthy skum-sucking worm-snorting flaming homo of a flea's rectum. I
> : >wish you would eat shit and die!
> : 
> : Me?  Well, you are the necrosadobeastialalistic example of a white-out
> : sniffing pimp for diseased girls.  You are so ugly, if Satan himself saw
> : you, he would throw up just so he could bury his face into the vomit. How
> : dare you insult me, you urine bank for a mouth, uncouth, rabid foaming
> : elephant bile.
> :      [notice how the actual arguement topic is not mentioned...]
> : 
> : 
> : occasional spelling or grammar errors:
> : 
> : >In message 9021090125 mghandi@fr.id (M. Ghandi) says:
> : >
> : >but if we can all live in paece, I think the world would be a better place.
> :                            ^^^^^
> : 
> : Paece?  What the fuck is paece?  Some Hindu dish with too much curry?  It's
> : faggots like you who make this world a communist cesspool by spreading
> : misspelled garbage to weaken the minds of us anal-retentive war-lovers.
> : 
> : 
> : 
> : STAY ON THE SUBJECT
> : ------------
> : Stay on the newsgroup or thread topic as much as possible:
> : 
> : Newsgroup: rec.pets.bunnies
> : 
> : >In message 66611125285 bfru@fairy.com (Bunny Fru) says:
> : >
> : >I think it is just cute the way they nibble on cabbage.  It's like their
> : >nose is part of the chewing!
> : 
> : Yeah, that reminds me of something my cat did once. He was walking across
> : the road when he nearly got hit by a car.  It was one of those LeCars, like
> : from 1982.  It was red, and policemen know that red cars usually travel fast
> : and so the get more tickets.  I think it's unfair, but that's the sort of
> : Nazi tactics the police use here in new Jersey.  That and the pollution.
> : Pollution here is awful, I mean you cant even see, and cleaning you windows
> : would be impossible without some borax and vinegar.  I just add 2 parts 
> : vinegar to one part borax, and it works great without streaking.  My wife
> : likes it when I clean, so that sort of flip-flops out roles in the marraige:
> : I do the cleaning, and she works late hours.  I think the boss is trying to
> : come onto her, but she's strong since she read Dianetics.  Say what you will
> : about that book, but it works great!  I don't think I am a space alien for
> : reading one, but if there is intelligent life out there, I bet you they
> : would avoid us.  We are too warlike.  I mean, can you believe Desert Storm?
> :            [six long and rambling paragraphs destroyed]
> : So then I said it would be too much money for just one operation, but that
> : insurance covered it with no problem.  Boy was relived!  Like when you 
> : finally poop after holding it too long.  But what a mess! I found the best
> :            [ten more paragraphs deleted for sake of brevity]
> : until the name "Mauldling" is almost totally obscured?
> : 
> : I mean, would you do that with a giraffe in a crowded elevator?
> : 
> : -------------
> : Don't forget the "I'll-be-the-first-one-to-think-of-something-obvious" 
> : user:
> : 
> : Message 1:
> : 
> : I hate events in which you have to wear a badge.
> : 
> : Message 2:
> : Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
> : 
> : Message 3:
> : 
> : Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
> : 
> : Message 4:
> : 
> : badges we dont need no stupid badges
> : 
> : Message 5:
> : 
> : >badges we dont need no stupid badges
> :                         ^^^^^^
> : 
> : I think it's "stinkin'"
> : 
> : Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
> : 
> : Message 6:
> : 
> : >badges we dont need no stupid badges
> :                         ^^^^^^
> : 
> : its stinking, you total stupid poopoo head
> : 
> : badges we dont need no stinking badges
> : 
> : ...
> : 
> : Message 425:
> : 
> : Hey!  I just started reading this group!
> : 
> : Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges?
> : 
> : (Say, why do they tell you to read these groups for a while before posting, 
> : anyway?)
> : 
> : -------------
> : Are you Mr. Politically Correct?  Try to realize that you are not so
> : important, that we actually care enough to purposely insult you:
> : 
> : > In message 920205.125355 ssmalley@anal.retentive.edu (Stuart Smalley)
> : >
> : >"Please do not refer to me as a man, as that is a sexist label.  I'm vaginally 
> : >challenged..."
> : 
> : =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> : 
> : This list is still growing.  Send your gripes too:
> :  
> :                      +---------------------------+
> :                      |    This .sig has been     |
> :                      |    temporarily removed    |
> :                      |        for study.         |
> :                      +---------------------------+
> : (c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu

> You forgot to mention when people follow up to a several page article with one
> or two lines of comment.

> --

> Dave Hinz  -  Opinions expressed are mine, not my employer's.  Obviously.
> hinzd@picard.med.ge.com

This is my favorite post of the week.

-- 
Kevin