From: anon-1280@twwells.com (MelancholyChild)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: The Little Ones ****SPOILER****
Date: 3 Jan 93 14:41:42 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

*******SPOILER!*******

This post deals with "minor" molestations. I just needed to get them
out of my system.






















Just to put the little ones into perspective:

The "Big" ones:

1) Child-age ? to 6    Regularly molested by a male neighbor/babysitter.
2) Trees-age 6         Molested once by a neighborhood teenager.
3) Runaway-age 13      Manipulation rape by a stranger. 
4) Cousin-age 14       Abducted, drugged and raped by cousin and his friend.
5) Date Rape-age 15    Beaten and raped.
6) Trucker-age 24      Manipulation/threatening rape by boss.
7) Brother-age ? to 15 Oral sex and intercourse. Instigated by #1

Possible:
8) Father-age ? to ?    Possible, but inconclusive evidence.

It's so funny, well, not funny haha but funny weird, that I have so
many major perps and I spend so much time thinking about them, yet 
the "little ones" tend to get completely pushed aside. The shame and
embarrassment of the major abuses are hard enough to deal with. I've
been afraid to focus on the tiny ones for fear that they might start to
obsess me. I realized that just by being afraid to think about them is
a form of obsessing on them, so I've decided to write them down so I
can get them out of my head. 

These are just more examples of what happens when someone has the word
"Victim" floating above their head. <sigh>


The "Little" Ones:

The ages below are pretty much guesses, but are probably fairly accurate.

Farm neighbor-age 8?
Old man at steam engine show-age 15
Guy in Boulder-age 15
Old man at motel-age 16
Guy in car-age 17

A) Farm neighbor-age 8
 
A neighbor boy (probably age 16-17) molested me by holding me down and
sticking his fingers in me. Lots of people were around, including his
sister and my brother, but no one tried to stop him. He was really big
and husky so it wouldn't have done any good anyway. What always made this
one so nasty to think about was that he boasted about how he had played
"stinky-finger" with me, and that made me ashamed because I thought he
was telling everybody how much I stunk. Plus, he made it sound like it
was consensual, and it definitely wasn't. He was a real jerk and I tried
to stay away from him after that.

B) Old man at steam engine show-age 15

My parents used to take me with them to steam engine shows and at one,
a man befriended my parents and almost talked them into letting me
come work for him at his farm over the summer. I would have been
responsible for cooking and cleaning and various other farm chores.
I had given my parents a lot of trouble and they were at their witt's
end in trying to deal with me. I know that they thought it was a good 
idea at the time. I would be making money, plus working hard. I'd be in
a remote location and under strict supervision by this guy. I didn't 
much like the idea myself. I didn't like this guy at all. He was probably
in his 70s, yet he kept giving me really slimy, letcherous looks and I 
didn't much like the idea of being isolated with him for 3 months. I 
*really* didn't like the idea when, at one point while my parents were
elsewhere and no one else was around, he pushed me up against the wall 
of a barn and roughly grabbed at my breasts and crotch. He tried to kiss
me and his breath stank of chewing tobacco. I threatened to scream and
kick him in the groin if he didn't let me go. He did, and I went stomping
off looking for my parents. When I found them I didn't tell them what he 
did, but I told them that he was a dirty old man and there was *NO WAY*
that I would work for him! They dropped the subject.

C) Guy in Boulder-age 15 

Background: I fell in "luv" with this guy who was in town visiting people
I knew. He gave me all the usual "I love you"s and I had consensual sex 
with him. He had to go back to California but promised me that he would
send for me ASAP. After he left I was so dejected and depressed that I
stole my mother's car and followed after him. I was totally stupid, and
didn't have enough money to make it all the way. I made it from Kansas
to Wyoming before I finally ran out of money. It wouldn't have mattered
though, because the car (a voltswagon) broke down on me anyway. I was in
Laramie, Wyoming, and I'd just driven through a hellacious snowstorm to
get there. To make a long story short, I was taken in by a woman who
worked in a hotel and she called my parents, who sent my brother to
Laramie on a bus and with enough money to get the car fixed. On the
way back to Kansas, we picked up a hitchiker who was going to Boulder,
Colorado. He said that if we took him all the way to his place, that
we could spend the night there, so we took him up on it. It was late
at night when we got to his house and my brother sacked out on the
floor while I took over the couch. Sometime early in the morning, just
at it was starting to get light out, I was awakened by a noise. I opened
my eyes and there was a guy, not the hitchhiker, sitting in an arm chair
right across from me. He was naked, he was staring at me, and he was
jacking off. I froze, and didn't know what to do. I had no idea if this
guy was a threat to me or not. He saw that I was awake and he smiled at
me, but I just closed my eyes again and turned over. I suppose then he
was looking at my butt, but I didn't have any blanket or anything to cover
up with (I was fully clothed, btw.) I could hear his heavy breathing and
his jacking off noises and I tried to be ready to jump up and run if it
sounded like he was coming toward the couch. He didn't. He just came and
then got up and went up the stairs. Whew! I couldn't sleep again though.

(Epilogue: this place was right at the base of the mountains and I was
treated to the most wonderful view out of the window when I did get up.
I don't remember being punished for running away, but I paid dearly for
it anyway. There was a hole in the floorboard of the Voltswagon right
by the foot pedals, and my feet got frostbitten from the cold. It took
a long time to recover, and even today, my feet are very sensitive.)

D) Old man at motel-age 16

Another runaway story. I fell in "luv" with yet another guy who was nice 
to me. (I did that a lot. Another time I even had an affair with a
girlfriend's boyfriend, because he was "kind" to me, and I thought he
really liked me.) I ran away from home to live with his family in a
tiny town about 30 miles from where I lived. I was told by a friend of
his that there was a job opening at the local motel. My first day I
was working in a room when the motel owner's father came in. He said 
that he was the maintenence man and for me not to pay any attention to 
him, so I didn't. I was cleaning a mirror in the room when he walked 
behind me. I wasn't thinking aobut him at all, then suddenly he grabbed
me with one hand on my breast, and he slammed me up against the wall.
Before I even realized what was happening he had his other hand down
the front of my pants and his fingers up my vagina! Grrrrr! I pushed as
hard as I could on the wall, he lost his footing and we both went tumbling
backwards and down on the floor. I screamed at him and he was laughing
hard. I stormed over to the super's office and told her what had just
happened. She started laughing and said something like "you're in" and
I asked her what she meant. She said that the old guy (remember, the 
owner's father) "broke in all the new girls" that way. He was very
proud of the fact that he was quick and could get his fingers in before
being pushed away. I was outraged, but she was very matter-of-fact
about it. She said that some of the girls let him finger them or
perform oral sex on them, just for the hell of it, because he was a
non-threatening old fart, a lonely guy, the owner's dad and so, why not?
I quit that job right then and there, but she warned me that I'd have
a tough time finding another job in such a small town. She was right,
but I didn't regret getting away from that dirty old geezer. Ugh! I
was able to warn someone else who was just starting and she was able
to thwart his nasty little suprise.

E) Guy in car-age 17

A friend of mine and I were walking to a convenience store late at night.
We were cutting across a parking lot when a car pulled in and pulled up
alongside us. The driver (alone in the car) rolled down his window and
asked us directions. My friend squatted down by the driver's door and
began talking to him. As they talked on and on about different things
I leaned up against the back left passenger door and smoked a cigarette.
After a while I began to feel the car slightly rocking. I looked at my
friend, but she didn't notice anything. I looked down at the guy and he
had his penis out and was jacking off. Ah geez! He was staring at my
friend's breasts, but then glanced up at me. I must have had a funny
look on my face, because he smiled at me. My first thought was that
he was kind of pathetic, but the way he smiled made me feel really
creepy. My friend was so close that it would have been easy enough
for him to grab onto her. I don't know if that's what he had in mind,
but I didn't want to take any chances, so I grabbed my friend and
yelled at her to *run*! She didn't know what was going on and resisted
but I yelled to just run, and ask questions later. She saw how scared
I was and was confused. Just then, the guy (who had quickly stuffed 
himself back in his pants) opened the car door and started to run after
us. She didn't need any more convincing that this guy might be a weirdo.
We both screamed and ran fast. The guy didn't follow us very far. We
got to the convenience store and debated if we should call the police 
or not. She hadn't seen him beating off, and I was freaked that it 
would be my word against his. So, as usual, I didn't report it. We were
very careful on the way home to keep an eye out for him. We never saw
him again though.

Like the incident with the guy in Boulder, this one freaked me out more
for the "what if he...?" aspect than for just masterbating. <shudder!>

Like all of the "Big" events, none of these ever got reported or
told to anyone other than the people in the stories. <sigh>

I just really don't understand why *I* got picked on so often by these
assholes! Perverts everywhere!! :-< It's *excruciatingly* embarrassing to
think of all the situations I got into. I never conciously said "me, me"
and I just can't imagine what it was that I projected to make all these
perps come flocking. It's *sickening*!! Whywhywhy *ME*???? Arrrgh!

I think that the sign was finally turned off when I met my SO, because
I haven't been sexually assaulted in any way for over 10 years. (I have
been mugged twice. One of those times I was pistol-whipped, but considering
that I could have been killed, I consider myself pretty lucky.) Still, I
don't see myself as being in "Victim" mode anymore. 

I still have to be wary of "getting into situations" because my judgement
is still somewhat warped. Last year I got involved with someone via
e-mail. I suppose the story is pretty common. A lonely college student
became "infatuated" with me and wanted to share his sexy dreams with me. 
He knew all about my SO, and my SO knew all about him. I laid down the
ground rules, which he accepted. With everything open and honest, and
thinking that I was helping this guy's self-esteem, we began an e-mail
"affair." Before too long I realized that I had made a huge mistake. I
gradually broke off the relationship. I tried to be nice, but I know
that he was hurt badly. He was scary though (if there's such a thing as
an electronic "stalker" then this guy became one for a while) so I'm
glad that he seems to have given up on re-starting the relationship.
He hasn't written me in a few months, though he has written my SO, and
I'm still scared that he might publicize our "affair" on some of the
newsgroups I'm on. The situation has not made me wary of writing to
males, but it's made me aware that I have to be very careful about it.
This all started when I was just depressed, and didn't know why. Once
I began working on my recovery, I think it gave me the strength to
make the final break. Maybe I could have handled everything better, 
because I certainly didn't want to hurt him, or be scared of him, but
both things happened, and I feel terrible about it. <sighsighhsigh>


I need to heal from these past abuses (the "Big" ones...I don't care
about the little ones) so I can get on with my life. I need to work on
so many things, it's overwhelming at times. There are still things (not
abuses, but related) that I can't bring myself to write about in asar too,
so I have a *long* way to go. <sighsighsighsighsighsighsighsigh>

MelancholyChild

"Well I always feel like dying
 And it makes me cry
 Cause I'll be gone forever more
 Don't want to say goodbye
 Now they're telling me 
 I've got to carry on
 And I mustn't tarry on
 They're trying to say
 I cannot cry every day
 That I have to let it fade away
 Well I'm sorry
 It isn't working that way"
                          Happy Rhodes ("The Suicide Song")



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