From: ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.prose
Subject: PB, The Pizzabitz
Date: 9 Apr 92 20:52:57 GMT
Followup-To: talk.bizarre
Organization: t.b

rigler@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Somme Mersault) writes:
> The girl I'm most attracted to right now
> the pizza plus [tm] delivery girl

     Ah, now you've gone and reminded me
of the Pizzabitz.

     "Who's the Pizzabitz, Uncle Starcap'n?"

     All right, I'll tell you about the
Pizzabitz.  But then you've got to get
back to work and quit fucking around in
talk.bizarre.

     "Fuck that.  Just tell us about the
Pizzabitz and maybe we won't cut off your
arm and shove it down your throat."

     Well, ok, I'll tell you about the
Pizzabitz.  And you can keep fucking
around in talk.bizarre after I'm done
and you don't have to get back to work.

     I met the Pizzabitz at Casey Moore's
(of course, where else, christ, would I even
have a life if it weren't for Casey Moore's?).
You see, at Casey's, you ain't nothin unless
you're a fis' or a bitz.  I'm a fis',
donchaknow.  Huck Fis'.  We've been over
this before.  So Pizzabitz was the pizza
maker's apprentice at some pizza place.

     She's sitting next to me at the bar
one night and volunteers that she'd been
shopping all day and had hardly spent any
money, a situation so deplorable that she
absolutely had to buy me a drink.  A Sambuca
as a matter of fact.  She forced me to have
it chilled even though I prefer straight up
with the three coffee beans.

     The next time I met the Pizzabitz she
was sitting in the corner with Jenny the
English Major, and I noticed the two of
them as I sat at the bar.  I went over to
talk to them.

     The Pizzabitz is about 5'6, blonde, and
very thin.  Jenny the English Major is
a little shorter and not quite as thin, with
dark brown hair in a style that for some
reason reminds me of Berlin in 1930 and total
decadence.  Sitting there talking, I remember
thinking to myself that either one of them
would be a fine, fine   er   uh   experience
indeed.  But at that time Jenny the English
Major seemed to have this stupid German guy
always hanging onto her, and the Pizzabitz was
more my type anyway, so I decided to set my
sights on the Pizzabitz.

     A few nights later I ran into the
Pizzabitz at Casey's again and asked her
out to the ballet.  She thought that was
cool.  In fact, me and her and Bones
eventually became fond of doing our five
foot positions in the bar from time to time.
Pizzabitz would go, "Ok, now, first
position everybody" and everybody would
go first position, etc.  Poor old Bones
has since moved on to graduate study
in England, the big lug.

     But anyway, I ask her number to make
further arrangements later.  Michael the
bartender (not to be confused with Randall
the bartender or Gavin the bartender) pipes
up 439-5555, or whatever the hell her number
is.  Ha ha very funny I go out with party girl,
yeah, that's what I like!

     So me and the Pizzabitz went out for
awhile.  Whenever we met someone new she'd
always say, "Hi, I'm the Pizzabitz!"

     Meanwhile, one very slow night in
Casey's, only five or so people at the
bar, I'm sitting by myself and around
the corner of the bar a couple of
barstools down is Jenny the English Major.
She's sitting there with her drink and
I catch her eye and I just know.  It's
kind of like Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway
when they meet in Barfly, you know?  It's
like, I know what you do, bitz.  And I'm
not even going to try to fool you about me
(I never do).

     Some people find joy and challenge
in playing roles as a means to seduction.
I find joy and challenge in making no
attempt whatsoever to hide who and what
I really am and daring them to fuck me
anyway.

     But getting back...I still haven't
really met JTEM yet.  Just as I contemplate
how to start up a conversation, two policemen
enter the bar.  I shoot them a disgusted
look, like what the fuck are you pigs
doing coming in here and stinking up the
joint.

     They come right over to me.  I'm
thinking, "Wow, can these guys read minds
or what?"

     "You're Starcap'n Ra, right?"  (Well,
actually, they didn't really say "Starcap'n
Ra.")

     "Yes."

     "Step outside, please."

     Oh great.  Not this drill again.  Well,
to make a long story short, I end up in
handcuffs out in the street next to my car.
It seems a car fitting mine's description has
been seen late at night driving up and down
the alleys with people on the luggage rack,
knocking over big green trash containers and,
"Gee, those sure look like a lot of fresh
dents in your car son."

     Evidently they saw my old station wagon
outside, figured I was their man, and had
called in the plate and gotten my description
from the driver license with the same name
and address.

     "Ha ha, yeah, I sure do have a shitty
heap of a car there don't I officers."

     "You don't have a problem with people riding
around on your roof, do you son?"

     "No, sir, no problem at all.  My friends
and I don't even have T-shirts saying 'Huck and
the Night Riders.'  I don't have a Norman
Rockwell portrait of me driving my car with my
friends on the luggage rack, hair wind-swept
back, entitled same either."

     Well fifteen minutes later I'm back in
the bar again in front of my half-finished
Cabernet Sauvignon.  As I nonchalantly sip my
wine, I glance over at Jenny the English Major.
She's trying to act nonchalant too, but I can
tell that no matter how hard she tries she
can't hide the fact that after this little
porcine incident she thinks I'm sexy as all
hell.

     So we talk.

     I don't remember whether it was that
night or not, but sooner or later I end up
at her place for the night.  Coincidentally
enough, her apartment is right next door to
Michael the bartender's.

     One day I wake up at Jenny the English
Major's and it's about 9am and I see the
Pizzabitz getting into her car in the parking
lot.  Ah ha, she's seeing Michael the bartender
next door!  Most interesting, ha ha!  I knew
I had party girl!

     The Pizzabitz, it turns out, is not
a party girl after all.  She only seems like
one.  Actually, come to find out, she's
looking to get married even though she's only
21 years old.  Eventually I get the picture.
She talks with everyone at the bar, but never
goes home with anyone.  It seems I have cracked
a nut, so to speak.  Of course, by the time
I figure all this out, Pizzabitz isn't too
happy with me because I, despite my
considerably older years, am not out to get
married at all.

     Of course, I don't figure this all out
on my own.  Some of it must be explained to
me by another old girlfriend, The Ravishing
Lenora.  One night in Casey's, Lenora and
I discuss Pizzabitz.  I tell her how I had
seen her that morning coming out of Michael's
and how funny that was, ha ha.  Well, it
turns out that wasn't nearly as funny as the
story Pizzabitz told her how PB said she was
over at Michael's one night and heard Jenny
the English Major having a real good time
through the wall.  Very funny, hee hee ha ha
ho ho, especially when JTEM starts yelling
"Oh Huck yes yes!"

     Well all that was quite awhile ago.
After that, Pizzabitz and I talked about
going on a wine trip to Sonoma, but it never
materialized because she started seeing
more and more of Michael the bartender.
She eventually married Micheal and quit
drinking and became very boring.

     Jenny the English Major and I are still
friends.  Right now she's got these cool 3D
pictures in her April Games magazine that
look like just a bunch of dots until you
attain deep sight.

--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.asu.edu

  Copyright 1992, don't you be talkin bout my Pizzabitz
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre