HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: lstewart@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca (L. Stewart -- IS Office 1058)
Subject: Re: short, shamefilled confession
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 19:09:36 GMT

In article <9211141638.50@rmkhome.UUCP> rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly) writes:
>In article <Bxo61L.5rG@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca> lstewart@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca (L. Stewart -- IS Office 1058) writes:
>>I have done it on the roof of a moving bus.
>
>But was it a school bus or a crosstown bus?
>
>-- 
>
>Rick Kelly	rmk@rmkhome.UUCP	unixland!rmkhome!rmk	rmk@frog.UUCP

Tour bus, rented from a big country and western act. Lots of animal
skulls and throw pillows inside.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton)
Subject: X-Industries product sighting
Summary: Rim Dweller On the Road
Organization: t.b, t.p.d, & a.d
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 02:40:48 GMT

Prologue:
I visited friends in SF last night, in the neighborhood north of Golden 
Gate Park where my brother used to live.  (What's that section called, 
anyway?  Nemmine.)  They showed me their souvenir of San Diego.

Hot-Lix -- tequila-flavored lollipop, with worm.

"Hot-Lix [tm]   
"Ingredients: Hydrogenated vegetable starch hydrolysate,
Insect larva, natural and artificial flavors and colors."

Some points to consider:
1) I particularly like the correct use of the singular "larva";
2) I have never heard of "hydrogenated starch hydrolysate" before,
   despite my being an inveterate reader of ingredients lists;
3) I did not taste it -- it remains neatly wrapped;
4) We jointly came up with the slogan "How many licks does it
   take to get to the insect larva center of a Hot-Lix pop?
   The World May Never Know" [tm You Know Who];
5) The lollipop was well-nigh perfectly transparent, so those
   natural and artificial colors must have fallen outside the
   unaugmented human visual range.  
   (I'm guessing on this, as I don't use augments or cybernetic visual 
   implants myself; they seem sort of puerile and passe' these days.)

  -- Clifton

--
cliftonr@netcom.com     Home: +1 808 521 9073   Work: +1 808 625 3234
Pope of the Church of the Subgenius in Paradise
"Have a revelation, the first one's free/Soon to be addicted to eternity" - HMR
From: bhoughto@sedona.intel.com (Blair P. Houghton)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: A quandry...
Date: 23 Nov 1992 17:43:31 GMT
Organization: Intel Corp., Chandler, Arizona
NNTP-Posting-Host: stealth.intel.com
Keywords: Military District of Washington, D. C.

In article <1992Nov23.002722.1316@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu> bkeiper@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Bryan S Keiper) writes:
>     Anyone know the legal penalties for roasting hotdogs over the Eternal 
>Flame at Kennedy's memorial?  Just curious...

I think the Marine guards break your arms and use your
mouth as a masturbation-pot for twelve hours or so before
issuing you a ticket for parading without a permit.

				--Blair
				  "It's like five bucks."

P.S.  I was once given a sheet to select three places I'd
like to be stationed.  I selected the MDWDC first, the US
Virgin Islands second, and England third.  They sent me to
Fort Huachuca, AZ, the place that Cochise was held when
they finally caught him...I think I got his blanket...
From: rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: irony
Date: 23 Nov 92 15:03:46 GMT
Organization: University of Virginia

> mlsa@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (MICHAEL "Beggin to be killfiled" SHERMAN) writes:

{ajd's article AND .sig deleted}
>Not only that but in a nighttime march it helped the men keep tight ranks and
>follow closely upon one another.

>-- 
>MICHAEL LAUREN SHERMAN
>758-0207
>MLSA
>
>"I really do appreciate the fact you're sitting here, you're voice sounds so
>wonderful but your face don't look too clear so barmaid bring a pitcher,
>another round of brew, why don't we get drunk and screw?"- J. Buffett

I am glad you have figured out how to use the follow-up key, Michael. We
are very impressed, too, with the super-bizarro Jimmy Buffet quote that
you used to fill out your one-line weakness into a full blown ten line
travesty. Your thoughfulness in including ajd's sig in the follow-up is 
noted; since most t.b. people have only seen this .sig 1000 times or
so we are delighted that you have ignored the crass, common impulse
to edit text and gone against social norms in your posting.

-The Cabal
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson)
Subject: Re: Weird Way to Have Sex
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 20:52:07 GMT

In article <Nov.18.15.12.31.1992.16316@math.rutgers.edu> jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel) writes:
>In bed, with a live microphone nearby, next to the speaker. Every little
>grunt or moan would be elevated into a horrific, feedback squeal.
>
>					- Jeff Vogel
>					Budding lothario

im sure john cage already has the copyright on this.


Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: jcarroll@ferris.cray.com (Jeff Carroll)
Subject: Re: Today's Question.
Originator: jcarroll@ferris
Organization: Cray Research, Inc.
Date: 23 Nov 92 16:22:42 CST



>M.
>and of course there's always "Jacques de Molay, thou art avenged!"
>to *really* confuse everybody...

C'mon, guys, take it to alt.flame.
Xref: sparky talk.bizarre:38270 alt.net.personalities:52
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.net.personalities
Subject: Re: My postbag this morning
Date: 16 Nov 1992 19:14:40 GMT
Organization: NASA Langley Research Center and Reptile Farm
NNTP-Posting-Host: grissom.larc.nasa.gov

In article <10NOV199218461558@trentu.ca> jsautner@trentu.ca (Jeanette Sautner) writes:
>> 
>>This morning the new `C&A Compliments' Catalogue arrived in the post. 
>>The blue-eyed, blonde girl who models their underwear and stockings is
>>delicious.  She looks as if she is about eighteen.  
>
>I am really curious as to why you find a woman "delicious".  Are you a 
>cannibal?

You're only a cannibal if you swallow.
--scott
From: damianj@castle.ed.ac.uk (Damian Jackson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Calchra the cat is a very nice cat.
Keywords: irresponsible, idiot, me, hundreds, if, not, thousands, of, pounds
Date: 16 Nov 92 21:24:39 GMT
Distribution: talk
Organization: Edinburgh University


Flames and misnomers may scorch my 

champagne
 Compagnie
Galapagos
    pagan
    page
    pageant
    pageantry
    paginate
    pagoda
 propaganda
 propagandist
 propagate
 rampage
 seepage
slippage
   spaghetti
stoppage
stumpage

[gole durn it - the dictionary fails me again]

but spiralling inwards ever deeper until the humming 
metal blade slices through.

I walk through a street thick with ducks in flight,
their wings degraded by low quality imported diesel,
and the memories of an orange sky.

Ripples in the water, otherwise still, distorting in
one world, swirling round to give uncommon perception
in another.

Somewhere an old man is implementing a symbolic integration
program in basic.  He's happy enough, except that his dogs
keep laughing at him, and his soup tastes vaguely of monkey.

Why do all my sentences seem to break heads like marshmellows?

Back to the chopping board.

Damian
damianj@castle.ed.ac.uk
--
No more moon in the water, ciao, etc.
From: dgross@zeus.calpoly.edu (Dave Gross)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Rictus Hep attends the assassination, part XV
Date: 24 Nov 92 04:33:53 GMT
Organization: Manumission:  The Campus Men's Forum

Marilyn was trying to convince me that the plague of feline leukemia
was just a mental plant given to UFO abductees.  She said these people
had never owned cats at all.  How'd she know?  No cat toys, she said.
No cat food.  "Maybe they threw out the cat food," I said, "or gave it
to neighborhood cats until it ran out."  "And the cat toys?" she asked.
 "Threw 'em out; part of the grieving process," I deployed.  Besides, I
had already risked a lot checking out the Jews, and I wasn't about to
get into the bakery business again.  Not with Richard injured, and half
the audience gone.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Subject: a cheerful thought
Originator: btc30679@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Reply-To: thoth@uiuc.edu (Ben Cox)
Organization: Ancient Illuminated Sears of Bavaria
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 03:03:37 GMT

(I was playing the RMI CD DAT at work, making a cassette copy, and:)

Larry came in and said, "so, do you think you'll be listening to this
kind of music when you're 60?"

I shrugged.

"Let's put it this way," he said, "do you think you'll be the same
person when you're 60 that you are now?"

I said no, probably not.

"So, in effect, YOU will be dead."

--
Ben Cox
thoth@uiuc.edu
From: cj@eno.esd.sgi.com (C.J. Silverio)
Subject: Re: I like Traffic Lights
Reply-To: cj@sgi.com
Organization: SGI TechPubs
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 92 19:23:25 GMT


In article <1992Nov22.000558.17967@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu>, sme3@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu writes:
|censtad@perdita.gac.edu (Christopher B Enstad) writes:
|>I like Traffic Lights
[...]
|Really, I prefer when they're yellow.  It makes it a lot more
|fun to drive.  I especially like the excitement involved when
}you lose the race against the red.

Who is more dweebish:  the one who posted it, or the one who
doesn't have the cultural context to recognize it?

---
c j silverio
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: billbill@wetware.com (Bill Bill)
Subject: Limited Only By My Shoes
Organization: Castle Wetware
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 17:30:03 GMT

They do not have enough Little Springs In Them.
I realize I could Disassemble Some Ballpoint Pens
to fill my shoes with Little Springs, 
but I think
that would put a kink
in my step.

So instead I will continue to walk backwards
and use my pens 
to draw my eyes.


                              billbill@wetware.com
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: ra@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Starcap'n Ra)
Subject: Re: Today's Question.
Organization: t.b
Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1992 18:23:07 GMT

rpwhite@taurus.cs.nps.navy.mil (rpwhite) writes:
> 
>           How do you challenge someone to a duel?
> 
> I mean real and formal like. I know you have to say something along the
> lines of: "My seconds will call upon yours." But how do you get to that
> point...I figure I'll just challenge my persecutor to a duel.

     I'm surprised I'm needed to advise you on
a military matter such as this, rp, but I am
more than happy to be of assistance.

     Assuming you're not pressed for time, your
best plan of action would be to wait for the
next formal occasion, preferably a military ball
with lots of brass in attendance to witness your
actions.

     One point -- I know Marines have white
gloves in their dress uniform, and I'm assuming
the Navy does too -- if not, you'll need to
improvise.

     Ok, now first you remove your gloves and
place them both in your right hand.  You then walk
up to your persecutor at a slightly brisk and very
deliberate pace.  You place yourself right in
front of her, almost in her face, and say,
"Madame!" in a very stern tone.

     Here's the good part.  You take your gloves
and snap them across her left cheek (that's HER
left, not yours).  Do not use a broad forearm
here -- style demands that you just barely add
a tiny bit of forearm to what is predominately
a wrist action.  Note that some variance is
allowed -- you may either leave it at that, or
immediately follow up with a backhand to her other
cheek.  It must be immediate, though: "Whap! <pause>
Whap!" is NOT cool.  It must be "Whap! Whap!" if you
choose to go that route.

     At this point, her mouth will drop open in
a combination of indignation and shock.  That's
when you come in with your other line (the one
you've been practicing): "My seconds will call
upon yours."

     You then abruptly turn and walk away, so as
to give the impression that you have no desire to
spend even one more second in her disgusting
presence than absolutely necessary to the business
at hand.  Of course, there is little danger of that
anyway as you are no doubt headed straight for the
brig; but don't forget, image is everything in
affairs such as these.

--Starcap'n Ra       {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
                        {allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
                                          ^---------------The Wrong Choice
                             internet: kennedy@asuvax.asu.edu
From: cj@eno.esd.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: the well is not morally superior...
Date: 23 Nov 92 21:04:16 GMT
Reply-To: cj@sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Organization: SGI TechPubs

---
The Well is not morally superior to Usenet.
There's a big conversation going on in their
music conference about "The greatest band of
all time".
---
c j silverio
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 23:07:51 EST
From: <NMR103@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: TATOOING DOGS
Distribution: usa

In article <1992Nov18.025515.15857@tc.cornell.edu>, mdw@theory.TC.Cornell.EDU
(Matt Welsh) says:
>
>This is my favorite post of the month.
>
>In rec.pets.dogs, 275s@oasys.dt.navy.mil (Wendy Bortnick) writes:
>>Hi,
>>
>>Has anyone had their dog tatooed.  I was wondering whether it is painful
>>and how long does it take.
>>
>>Wendy
>>275s@oasys.dt.navy.mil (Wendy Bortnick)
>
>I have all of my dogs tatooed. It's not painful at all; they love it.
>Plus I have three cats, a ferret, and two goldfish with ink. It's pretty
>groovy.
>
>mdw

Never heard of dogs tatooed but I've been told that all the squirrels
here at Penn State are branded with a marker that says "Property of PSU
OPP." Now to clue in the unclued ones, PSU/U.Park is Penn State "Disney
Movie" campus. WE probably have more happy smiling squirrels chipmunks
and bunny rabbits than any other 1.3 square miles in the nation. {OPP
by the way are the guys in the big trucks who chop down tree branches.}

One day while feeding one of our happy squirrels (he was sitting on
my leg), i looked for one of these brands. (go figure).

OPP must be _really_ creative where they tatoo these things
>:)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: John Austin <jea1@cornell.edu>
Subject: Love Song For PJF
X-Xxdate: Mon, 16 Nov 92 21: 13:35 GMT
Nntp-Posting-User: jea1@cornell.edu
Organization: BTI
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d9
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 21:08:32 GMT

Love Song to PJF

They said you wished to kill 'ol Bush
They said, and so did you
I know you'll make it anyhow
I can't believe you're through

PJ, oh PJ
Stay free as best you can
PJ, oh PJ
Let's lose these secret service men

You wanted his head on a pike
(No fish or thruway, though)
Other people may agree
We just dare not say so

Big Daddy, oh Big Daddy
New Mexico won't do
Big Daddy, oh Big Daddy
A G-man can't come close to you

And now your roommate wants you gone
An unforgiving twit
A fantasy this is no more
You have stepped into it

Patrick J., oh Finnerty
You'll make it through this sieve
You ask us to react with this-
You react, too, and live


Best of luck.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . 
.
John Austin (jea1@cornell.edu)                                               
 
Grafix 'R Us                                                           Rim
Newt
Boyce Thompson Institute for Plant Research                                  
 
123456789112345678921234.sig *still* under
construction...961234567897123456789
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson)
Subject: Re: **BIZARRE LAWS***
Followup-To: alt.aeffle.und.pferdle
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 17:27:06 GMT

> meep@bigwpi.WPI.EDU (A Son of the Silent Age) writes:

>Isn't defamation of Royal character still technically a hanging offense?
>
>While we're on the silly laws subject, is the "rule of thumb" still on the
>books in England? Anyone?

While we're on the subject of brainless twits from WPI, could you tell us
why you posted this in misc.jobs.offered, misc.test and alt.sex?


r



(followups to alt.aeffle.und.pferdle)
From: kahn@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Amy S Kahn)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Rictus Hep's Nightmare
Date: 19 Nov 92 21:54:13 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania

In article <BxuCMC.LGL@rice.edu> caz@owlnet.rice.edu (HWRNMNBSOL) writes:

>"....and you were there, Waldby, and you, Rigler; oh, and a bunch of
>midgets too!  Now what were they called?...."

Well, by the previously discussed correlation factor, if they were
midgets, they must've all been called Amy.

 -- ASK



Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (mr. wonderful)
Subject: banking
X-Fun-Thing-To-Do: slide down dirt hills on cardboard
Followup-To: talk.bizarre,misc.test,rec.pets,alt.flame,alt.slack
Summary: i hate banks and they love me
X-Advertisement: joy to the world i'm gonna get some sequence. use sequenase.
Keywords: simile
Organization: committee for the advancement of disgust
Comment: i completely deny it. i don't recall that at all.
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 21:54:40 GMT

i almost forgot what i was gonna write after i got done generating this
wonderful header. oh yeah. YEAH! ok, so i went to the bank to shut down my
accounts i had there. i alread opened other accounts at the credit union
here on campus. i shut down my accounts at key bank because they are
complete losers and would not give me a simple car loan because i didn't
have a job long enough. what the hell, like i even have a job. they did
not seem to understand the meaning of grad school. so i went to the univ.
credit union to try to get a car loan and they said sure and this was
before i even opened an acct. with them. i even got to tell the person who
was closing my accts the reason i did it. i got a little joy out of
telling them why and knowing i made a choice available in a free market
society. oh yeah. uh huh.
				more manic than ever, hope i don't explode,
--
			PJF--->Biochem. grad student
			      PUBLIC ENEMY #1
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: im bored so im posting...how original
From: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)
Organization: The Man With Ten Cats
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 20:34:45 GMT
Reply-To: rmk@rmkhome.UUCP (Rick Kelly)
Keywords: form

In article <1ehl02INN63r@uwm.edu> terri@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (St Theresa of the Net) writes:
>In article <1992Nov17.044419.27817@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu> pfinerty@nyx.cs.du.edu (mr. wonderful) writes:
>>so, i'm here in lab waiting for a gel to dry so i can go hang with a
>>friend of mine. you must be patient when waiting for a gel to dry. if it
>>is not totally dry it will stick to the film and then you are really
>>screwed. 
>
>
>Right up to the word 'film' i was in the mindframe that the boy had used
>hairsetting/styling gel, and then i came to my senses and realized that
>hey, if i can't do anything with *my* hair, fuck if ol' patty can with his.
>
>Damnstraight.
>
>>i think my phone is tapped. my brother called a couple of days ago and we
>>started using weird phrases like; the blue suitcase is under the stairs.
>>the brown dog knows the moon is green. and so on...it was rather humorous.
>>they will probably pull me in for a psych evaluation now. 
>
>And if I were ever under suspicion of a plot to murder the republican
>asshole president who doesn't deserve to have his head mounted on a pike
>because it's just TOO GOOD FOR HIM, my sister would probably ask point
>-blank questions about where did i hide the bullets from the Secret Service
>boys, anyway?

I've basically decided that all Presidents are assholes.

In the past week:

Clinton's econnomic adviser has said that they have decided to wait on plans
to cut middle class taxes, increase taxes for the rich, and start job training
programs.

"We want to wait and see if the economy gets better by itself."

And Clinton said the other day:

"I never promised that I would pass a health care bill."

Same old story.  He who has the best soundbites and catchwords wins.

Campaign promises are just part of the entertainment.

The New Democratic Party is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Old Republican
Party.

-- 

Rick Kelly	rmk@rmkhome.UUCP	unixland!rmkhome!rmk	rmk@frog.UUCP
From: kontos@clipper.ingr.com (Thorne Kontos)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Father Guido Sarducci reflects on the Catechism
Keywords: Computerized Confessional?
Date: 19 Nov 92 08:17:15 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Intergraph Advanced Processor Division - Palo Alto, CA

Father Guido suggested that in the future, confessions would be
given to a computer, that in turn, would determine your act of
contrition...

I told my wife that it would be a great idea.
She told me it was in extremely poor taste...

I started to write it immediately....Eliza, babe, move over...

I'll feed in a few talk.bizarre posts when it is done, just to
spot the catechism catch-phrases...
 
                                                I won't post until
                                                it's finished...
                                                The "PIOUS" Lobster
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: mrx@sgi.com (you: coma: marilyn monroe)
Subject: Re: my blood
Organization: the atrocity exhibition
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 01:01:14 GMT

jjh4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JANE HORVATH) writes:


>    i was going to give blood.
>    but when i got there, they told me they didn't want my blood.

>    maybe i shouldn't have brought it in a bucket.


can't say that i blame them.

extraction is really the only
part that keeps my interest.

mark my words: this field is ripe 
for innovation.


		mr x

		why stop at vacuum chambers?
From: kahn@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Amy S Kahn)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Adventures of ASK
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:12:47 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania


	So there we were sitting at the table at Rocky Point when some
gum-cracking teenager with hair teased and sprayed beyond belief came up
to the table.
	"Heah ya go"
	She plopped a cup in front of me.
	"But I didn't order..."
	"Don't worry, hon, a guy paid for it."
	She left.  I stared blankly at the cup.  A voice interrupted my
train of non-thought.  "Mind if I sit here?"
	"Are you just going to sit there?"
	"No... I figured I'd also make small talk, charm you a bit, and
make you feel obligated."
	He gestured to the cup.  I looked at it, all white and creamy.
"How did you know...?"
	"You just looked like the kind of gal who would prefer New
England to Manhattan."
	"You're very perceptive."
	"Well, in my business, you've got to be.  So, what's your name,
cutie?"
	"It depends.  I'm known by different names to different people."
	"What are my choices?"
	"ASK..."
	"I am asking."
	I skipped the Abbot and Costello routine and continued. "Tinkerbell.."
	"Ooh!  She's got wings!"
	"Amykins..."
	"Hmmmm... It has possibilities...."
	".. or, simply, Amy."
	"A-M-Y?"  I nodded.  "Hey, those are my initials!"  He jumped up
and down, expressing his childish mirth with glee.  "The name's Yankovic.
Al Yankovic."  He extended his hand and his leg for no apparent reason.
I shook both.  "If I'd known you were going to do that, I would've extended
more."
	"I know.  But I can't seem to shake your persistance."
	"You got it, chyck."  He was very politically correct.
	"Al, can I give you a piece of advice?"
	"Sure."
	"Don't ever eat a falafel sandwich at 7 AM.  Just don't."
	He laughed.  I laughed.  We shared the moment.  We bonded.
	"Can I tell you a secret?"  I assumed the question wasn't rhetorical.
	"Sure."
	"I wrote the songs first.  Then I gave the melodies to other
artists so they could release their versions first."
	"But that would mean..."
	"Yup.  Nirvana was my own idea.  It amazes me that people really
believe singers would naturally enunciate so horribly."
	"And Prince just wouldn't play the game, eh?"
	"He's an asshole.  He released the songs, but didn't change the
words.  He knew I wouldn't be able to complain without revealing the 
scam."

 -- ASK