From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Steve Russell)
Subject: Re: Anniversaries and such
Summary: This is Sherri, not Steve
Organization: University of Maryland at College Park
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 15:56:32 GMT

In article <1992Apr16.110012.27452@wpi.WPI.EDU> asar.181@wpi.wpi.edu   writes:
>  Hi again all.  It's been a little while since I posted.  Well it has been
>a year since I saw my main perp face to face.  The urge to talk to him is
>still there, but I have been fighting it.
>  That is a good anniversary in ways (the fact that it has been a year)
>it is also coming up on a year ago that I was assaulted in my dorm room.
>It's hard having the old feelings coming up.  Sometimes I can just be sitting
>in my living room with my husband and he'll ask what's wrong.  I usually
>tell him that it's nothing or I'm not sure.  I guess I just don't want
>to hurt him with the old feelings, because it was 2 weeks before he and
>I got married that this had happened.
>

Hi, Jay.  Many ehugs to you first of all!  It's understandable that you want
to see Fred because he was your only support for a long time.  He is still
someone who abused and used you, though, his interest in your real well-being
only goes so far.  Keep fighting the urge, but be understanding of yourself.

Sorry about the memories.  It's understandable that you feel disturbed.  Do
you have any trustworthy support besides husband and therapist?  It would be
nice if you could find another friend as well.  When your husband asks what's
wrong, perhaps you could say 'just dealing with some bad memories', then he
would have a choice whether to pursue the discussion, encouraging you to open
up more or give you a comforting hug and not discussing it more.


>  I'm also feeling kind of angry at my therapist because for some reason
>I get the feeling that she would like me to put my healing on a back burner
>just because I'll be a new mom soon.  She has already discussed having
>family therapy sessions from the time the baby is born more then once
>a month.  Right now it's 1 time a month that my husband and I have a session
>with her.  She's away this week so I won't see her until next week.
>Then she's gone again for 2 weeks or so in May (she's attending seminars).
>  Has anyone else had this experience??  I would appareciate ANY feedback
>on this subject.
>

Well, she might be suggesting more frequent family sessions because you've
been concerned about your relationship with your husband lately.  How about
discussing your concerns with her?  Let her know that you're concerned about 
having enough time to deal with your own issues rather than spending a lot
of time where you have to worry about being sensitive to your husbands needs
as well.  She may be assuming that YOU want more family sessions, so make sure
to let her know _clearly_ what your priorities are.

It's too bad that she's going to be away so much at this time.  One of the things
that sucks about therapy is that sometimes your life revolves around it, but
your therapist is rarely as intensely involved (I liked Sim's earlier post
that gave a good counterexample).  I know it also can be hard to talk about
ways in which you are dissatisfied with therapy, because if your therapist
gets defensive, then you have to spend time dealing with _their_ reaction to
your feelings and you get even less attention....It sucks sometimes.  Well, 
that's my feedback, it wasn't coherent feedback, but it was feedback just
the same :P

>  Oh yeah it looks like my mom (and only my mom at the moment) is
>going to come up and visit my husband me and the baby in late August.
>Shit I can deal with her when my dad is around but not on a one
>to one basis.  I told her that I had gotten a good deal for her
>on Delta airlines that would allow my dad to come too.  She tells me
>"I'll think about it"  She lives in NY and we live in Alaska
>so she feels it's too expensive to fly out here to see her only Grandchild
>(still unborn at the moment) and her only Son-in-law.  Yet she and my
>dad can take 2 cruises in a span of a month and a half!!!!!!!!!
>Then drive down to North Carolina for a week spening it in a rented Condo!!!
>  Dammit mom why do *I* have to go on the back burner.  Shit the damn dog
>get's more damn attention then I do or ever did for that matter!!!!!!
>  Shit now I probably won't be able to get to sleep or if I do I'll
>end up having nightmares or something!!!
>  Oh well this is enough for now.

Hmm, if you really want them both or nothing, why not say 'I  really want to
see both of you, how about coming up when both of you can make it'?  That
may be a totally ridiculous suggestion, I don't know _that_ much about your
family and how you feel about them.  I don't really know what to suggest on
this one, your relationship with your parents is very complex.  I hope you
can start building a network of supportive friends soon, you really need a bigger
circle.  It sounds like it's just you and your husband pretty much, and he's
got issues of his own to deal with.  I wish you strength and safety in
dealing with all of this.  I think you're really amazing, Jay, you have so
many things you're having to deal with all at once, I really wish you the best.

>PLEASE RESPOND I need the feedback.  I have felt ignored on my last
>several posts.  Only a few people responded to them.
>  Anyways,
>  *HUGS* to those needing them I know I could use them right now
>Shit the tears are starting I better stop for now
>Jay
>

Good for you for speaking up and really asking for feedback!  I admire you
for being able to ask for help.  It's something I have a really difficult
time doing...

*HUGS*
Sherri