From: anon-1421@twwells.com (Seeker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Well, here i am, what now?
Date: 14 Dec 92 17:34:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

In article 16286@news.stolaf.edu, cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson) writes:
< stuff deleted>
<as far as I'm concerned everytime i 
>slept with him it was rape, cause i never wanted it.

I recently realized that I was raped when I was 17 but I haven't really
said or felt anything about it. Then 4 years later I saw the same person, and I
ended up in another rape! Then I decided that I should never again
have anything to do with this person. 

I said "No No and No" but he did
it anyways and I did not leave (I was visiting in LA and had no where 
else that I could go easily, but a person with some self-esteem, a 
non-abused person, would have just left so I haven't forgiven myself). 
I have paid a major life penalty for the 
first rape (don't want to talk about it) and I still blame myself. 
I haven't been "right" about sex since. I went on to spend 8 years
in a really abusive relationship.

>stuff deleted
>Right now, I'm not involved in a relationship, though i wouldn't mind one.  My
>only problem is sex scares the shit out of me. 

I am terrified about sex too. Feel I cannot trust myself. When I have sex
and don't dissociate, I feel like I am falling and totally out of control and
end up crying uncontrollably. This would be a big problem if I didn't 
nearly always dissociate.

The Dracula movie really scared me because I saw this woman
falling in love with and giving herself to an evil, rotten person and
leaving behind this nice guy. I would probably do the same thing and
it makes no sense. 

I am starting a new relationship and sometimes I am afraid he is a bad person for me
and that I am going to fall in love with him. I am terrified of sex (but 
becoming less so). He is a really sexual sort of person (but so am I in spite of
everything!!!). I have been celebate for 3 years and haven't had non-abusive 
sex in many many years. 

My friends tell me to be careful, pay attention to how I feel and ACT on
it (which I am doing). He is letting me pretty much run things so everything is
ok for now. 

>Sex scares me becuase i want it to be something i want, and enjoy, not 
>something that i'm doing because i feel the other person needs it or 
>would enjoy it.  

I feel that way too. I am practicing saying no to people. When I don't
want to be touched, I tell people "Don't touch me. Nothing personal."
So far, only one person is having trouble with this and I am having to
keep my distance from him. His problem is being caused by his own 
baggage so I do not take responsibility for it. I need to learn that I
can say NO and enforce it if necessary for ANY reason. Even a totally
irrational reason. Hey - it *IS* my body, after all.

>though i'm very open about it and talk much about it...i don't talk
>about how i feel much......

Again, I feel that way too. Thanks for sharing the feelings with us. 
I identify with you a lot. Your sharing has helped me :-) . 
I am going to see *2* therapists today. I have 4 therapists in my life
right now (2 are friends)! Each has a different role in my life so 
it is working out ok.

-Seeker




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