From: guest@chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: The Definitive STAR TREK Parody Chapter 6
Keywords: Parody
Date: 23 Jan 93 01:55:50 GMT
Organization: SOCS, McGill University, Montreal, Canada


                  The Definitive STAR TREK Parody

                               Chapter 6

                That's Entertainment, Mon Capitaine!

In a monitoring station on a colonized planet in the Mutara sector,
an ensign tries to get his commander's attention.

"Commander Wrigley, Sir?"

"Yes, Ensign Priestly?"

"Well, I've been monitoring our moon and ... the fact is it's not where
it's supposed to be."

"Where is it then?"

"Closer, Sir, and to an ever increasing degree."

Commander Wrigley remains calm.  "Are you sure you haven't made some
mistake?"

"I would prefer to think so, Sir."

"Let me see."  Ensign Priestly moves out of the way.
Wrigley proceeds to confirm his observations.  "And you're sure
there's no malfunction?"

Priestly shrugs his shoulders.  "We'd be able to recognize a
sensor malfunction if the sensors didn't agree amongst themselves,
but they do and a computer malfunction would be system wide, it wouldn't
be restricted to just this."

Wrigley looks resigned.  "Then we'll have to proceed on
the theory that our moon's orbit actually *is* decaying and that
we're going to die unless we can evacuate before the planet is pulled
apart.  We can only pray that there
are enough ships in this sector that it doesn't become a question
of deciding who lives and who ... doesn't."

Priestly offers a suggestion.  "If the Enterprise were in this
sector, perhaps they could find some way to put the moon back in it's
proper orbit."

Wrigley looks at Priestly as though he'd gone mad.  "Ensign, our
moon is the size of a small planet."

"Yes, Sir, but at the Academy ..."

"Ensign, there is no way a Starship can move anything that big."

"At the Academy, they taught us about the crew of the
original Starship Enterprise and how they could always outperform
normal expectations.  I just thought that maybe there's
a way it could be done even though we can't think what it might be."

Wrigley shakes his head.

"I know it's a small hope, Sir, but ..."  Just
then, Priestly's eyes glaze over.  "Who ya gonna call?"

"What?"

Priestly's manner has changed completely.  He steps back lightly,
then begins to sing and dance\footnote{to the tune of "Ghostbusters"}.

Priestly:
\begin{verse}
"Your sun's too close\\
And you're about to roast\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}
Wrigley walks up to Priestly and is about to grab him when, suddenly,
his eyes also glaze over.  Priestly continues.
\begin{verse}
"Your planetary core\\
Is stable no more\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

Wrigley:
\begin{verse}
"The Romuluns\\
Are aiming their guns\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!\\
A Ferengi\\
Has something up his sleeve\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

Priestly and Wrigley together:
\begin{verse}
"I ain't 'fraid of no Klingon\\
I ain't 'fraid of no Klingon"
\end{verse}

Priestly:
\begin{verse}
"An alien race\\
>From outer space\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!\\
A new life form\\
Which is out of the norm\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

Wrigley:
\begin{verse}
"A conspiracy\\
Against Star Fleet\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!\\
You need an android\\
Or a Betazoid\\
Who ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

Priestly and Wrigley together:
\begin{verse}
"Who ya gonna *call*?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

Suddenly, Priestly stops.  He watches his commander dance around only
vaguely aware of having done so himself.

Wrigley:
\begin{verse}
*Who* ya gonna call?\\
Enterprise!"
\end{verse}

"Commander?"

Wrigley continues to dance.  "Yes?"

"Commander, shall I send a distress signal?"

Wrigley stops dancing.  He looks around as though he doesn't know where
he is.

"The moon, Commander."

Wrigley straightens himself.  "Yes, send a distress signal on all
frequencies."

"Yes, Sir!"

"And, Ensign."

"Yes, Sir?"

"This never happened, understood?"

"Understood."  The Ensign proceeds to send the signal.


Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, Wesley is in his room preparing for an
exam.  He's been at it for hours now and he looks about ready to just
pack it in.  He thinks outloud, "Maybe I should just save the rest
for tomorrow when I'm not so tired."

He gets up and walks over to his bed which he sits down on.  "It
wouldn't be so bad," he says as he
takes his shoes off, "if they didn't expect so much from me.  Just because
physics comes easy for me, people expect it's going to be that way for
me with all my other courses too."  Wesley leans over to
put his shoes on the floor, his eyes closed.

Suddenly, his eyes are wide open.  He gets up and starts to sing\footnote
{to the tune of "Why Must I Be a Teenager in Love", lyrics by Ryan D.
Mathews} and dance around.

Wesley:
\begin{verse}
"While all my buddies walk the halls and cruise for girls,\\
I'm in the SciLab, watching random plasma swirls.\\
Sometimes I feel like I'm wrapped up in chains,\\
Why must I be a teenager with brains?\\
\  \\
I'm in the classroom, studying those bytes and bits,\\
Just when I'd rather be studying some girl's -- hair.\\
They think I'm smart, but it's really such a pain.\\
Why must I be a teenager with brains?"
\end{verse}

All of a sudden, Wesley feels dizzy and disorientated.  The last thing
he clearly remembers was sitting on his bed.
"Wow, I really am tired," he says as he makes it back across the room.
This time, nothing prevents him from achieving sleep.


Councellor Troi, meanwhile, is in her office.  She
has just finished advising Ensign Smith who was feeling troubled.

"Thank you," he said as he rose out of his chair, "I've always been
reluctant to tell people how I feel."

"Your welcome.  Bye!"

Just outside her office, Ensign Nguyen is waiting to see her.  He sees
Ensign Smith leave and goes in.  Troi smiles at him from
behind her desk.

"Please sit down," she says.  He does.  "So, what seems to be the
trouble?"

"Oh, no trouble at all," he replies.

"Oh, come now, what is it you wanted to see me for?"

Ensign Nguyen smiles broadly.  His eyebrows bounce up and down.

Troi recieves an impression from him (as if she had to).  "Out!  Get
out!"  He does.

Troi walks around the room, troubled.  All of a sudden, she stops
walking, frowns and places her left hand over her brow.  She closes her
eyes hard, then relaxes them and opens them.  Her hands sweeps out in
front of her and she begins to dance, gracefully, then stops, points to
herself and begins to sing\footnote
{to the tune of "I'm Just a Gigolo", lyrics by Ryan D. Mathews
and myself}.

Troi:
\begin{verse}
"I'm just the counsellor, they all say "Look at her!"\\
The only thought that's in their heads.\\
I read their little minds, as they stare at my behind,\\
Oooh! Makes me turn red!\\
There will come a day, when bustlines fall away,\\
What will they say about me?\\
When the end comes for her (that's Troi, the counsellor),\\
Ship goes on without me!\\
\  \\
I'm just a Betazoid, but I do get annoyed\\
When people think of me so lightly.\\
I try to act my best, but all they notice is my chest,\\
Oooh! What about me?\\
There will come a day, when I won't look this way,\\
What will they do about me?\\
I know I'll be annoyed when they ditch the Betazoid,\\
Ship goes on ... without ..."
\end{verse}

Troi stands completely motionless and appears to stare off into
space.  She then leaves, obviously in a hurry.


Down in Engineering, Geordi is carrying out a level 1 systems wide
diagnostic.  So far everything has worked out perfectly.  He's crossing
the floor on his way to pick a piece of equipment when he stops, kneels
on the floor, puts his right hand on his chest, his left hand in the air
and starts singing\footnote{to the tune of "You're 16", lyrics by Ryan D.
Mathews}.

Geordi:
\begin{verse}
"You come on like a dream,\\
Your impulse runs clean,\\
Your warp drive is perfectly fine,\\
You're Big E, you're beautiful, and you're mine!\\
\  \\
Your phasers run true,\\
Your transporters, too,\\
Your antimatter mix is on-line,\\
You're Big E, you're beautiful, and you're mine!"
\end{verse}

Troi arrives in Engineering.  "Geordi?"

Geordi gets up.  "Yes, Deanna?"

"Geordi, why were you singing just now?"

Geordi is about to answer her and stops.  "I don't know."

Troi nods.  "Geordi, I felt a presence just a few minutes ago.
I sensed it was here in Engineering."

"Is it here now?"

Troi looks up at the ceiling.  "No, it's on the bridge."


The Enterprise was one of the first ships to respond to Ensign
Priestly's distress signal.  No sooner does the Enterprise come
into visual range than does the danger mysteriously disappear.
Commander Wrigley appears on the bridge's main viewer.

"Captain, I'm sorry to have diverted you.  Our sensors *were* telling
us that our moon was in a decaying orbit."

"That's quite alright, Commander."

Data: "Sir, long range scanners did indicate that their moon was in
an unusually low orbit until ten seconds ago."

Picard: "But how can that be?"

Just then there is a flash of light.  The entity known as Q appears,
dressed in a tuxedo.

"It was me, Jean-Luc.  I did it."

"Q!  Why?  Why did you torment these people?"

"Oh, come now, Jean-Luc.  There was no harm done.  Besides, I had to
do it."

"You *had* to do it?  Why?"

"I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me?!"

"There are just certain things that you couldn't possibly understand."

"Try me."

Q sighs.  "Very well: you see, all this is supposed to be funny."

Picard looks deadly serious.  "I'm not laughing, Q."

"That's because you didn't see all those people singing.  Oh, Jean-Luc,
it was marvelous."

Picard is now furious.  He shakes his finger at Q.
"Q, I want you off this ship this instant!"

"And what if I don't, Jean-Luc?  What will you do then?"

"Just go!"

"I can't, Jean-Luc.  You still need me."

"No - we - don't, Q!  Whatever it is you're here to do for us, we can
do just as well on our own."

"Of that, Jean-Luc, I have no doubt.  Very well then, I'll go, but I'll
be back the next time you need a plot device."  Q disappears in a flash
of light.

Riker: "What do you suppose he meant by that?"  Picard ignores Riker's
question, looking completely spent.

Slowly but surely, with Q gone, they all relax.  This time, while an
annoyance, Q didn't present himself as much of a threat.  As it turned
out however, they would have done well to fear Q's return for the next
time he appeared, he brought about the Enterprise's first encounter with
the Borg, an alien race that conquers by striping civilizations of their
technology.  The encounter left Picard with the chilling prospect of the
Borg entering Federation space.

Unbeknownst to Picard at the time, however, the Borg had already
discovered the existance of the Federation a couple of years
before Q introduced
them to the Enterprise.  In fact, as a result of their encounter with
the Borg, Starfleet came to realize that it must have been the Borg,
not the Romulans, who were responsible for the recent destruction of
outposts along the Federation-Romulan Neutral Zone, the zone which
neither Federation nor Romulan ships were to cross for fear of violating
a two hundred year old treaty;
this in turn supported the Romulan claim that some of their
outposts had been destroyed, a claim which the Romulans were making to
justify breaking that aformentioned treaty\footnote{In the episode
"The Neutral Zone", A Romulan warbird crosses the Neutral
Zone but they turn back when they see the Enterprise.
In "The Enemy", the Romulans send a scout ship
which crashes on a stormy planet; when a Romulan warbird is sent to
rescue them, Picard chastizes them for being so sneaky.  Then, in "The
Defector", the Enterprise is lured into the Neutral Zone; when the
Romulan commander tells Picard he's going to die, Picard says "So could
you." and the Romulan says (off camera) "I think he means it." and
decides to let them go.  In "Tin Man", the Romulans send some cannon
fodder after Gamtu, a creature that knows how to handle Romulans.  Since
then, we've had mind control ("The Minds Eye"), infiltration ("Data's
Day" and "Redemption") and an aborted attack on Vulcan ("Unification").}.

NEXT: "Encounter at the Neutral Zone"

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA@hep.physics.mcgill.ca