From: dauer1@cc.swarthmore.edu (Dave S. Auer)
Subject: Friendly Advice
Organization: Swarthmore College 
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 21:12:11 GMT

Have you ever been upset with someone?  Has anyone ever given you wedgies
in the hallways, or cheated on an exam in which you studied hard and wound
up wrecking the curve so that you got a worse grade than you ought?  Ever
notice your girlfriend looking at another guy who is really quite ugly and
none to bright mathematically?  Any clutz ever spilled a drink on you at
lunch?

People are idiots, basically, is what I am saying.  I have some advice for
you dealing with the handling of idiots.  It is a piece of software I have
developed, called the Schizophwriter.

The idea of the Schizophwriter is to swap the Schizophwriter disk for the
word processing disk of a friend or enemy.  The Schizophwriter looks
exactly like MacWrite, WordPerfect, MicroSoft Word, or WordStar and works
on the Mac, Apple, or a PC Clone.  It is simple in idea and construction.

What the Schizophwriter does is performs exactly as your standard word
processor, but with the following enhancements:

  1) Altered keystrokes.  After a preset average number of keystrokes, the
Schizophwriter will replace any keystroke with another keystroke near it on
the keyboard.

  2) Letter transposition.  Same idea -- only difference is that two
letters in a word will be transposed.

  3) Homophone dictionary.  At a rate proportional to that of the keystroke
and transposition features, the Schizophwriter will substitute words in the
document with homophones once they have scrolled off the screen.

  4) Selective spell-checking.  I have created an algorithm which
determines when the spell-checker should fail.  It is not perfect yet, but
generally speaking it is modified to create maximal havoc.

  5) Learnt mispellings.  Everyone has words they habitually mispell.  A
word misspelled enough times gets remembered by the Schizophwriter and
entered into its dictionary.

  6) Intelligent error-handling.  Certain times and dates are more
appropriate for error creation.  Past a certain time at night or around
exams or milestones are particularly ripe time for the Schizophwriter's
magic.  Thus, the Schizophwriter is easily programmed to increase the rate
of error at these times.

  7) Reasonable price.  I obviously cannot sell this product over the net. 
It is priced at under the price of the original word-processing program. 
This is especially reasonable given that you get sophisticated programming
and the word processing capabilities of the software which you replace with
the Schizophwriter.

My advice, get the Schizophwriter; it's a real frighter!

-Dave "Smart" Auer

PS Thanks go out to snooky-wooky for his(?) reply to my earlier mail.  I
appreciate reader's feedback.  Tell me if you like the idea of my
innovative product.

_________________________________________________________________
     ________________     | David Samuel Auer
 ___/ __ \  __/  __  \___ | Not associated with Dem. Soc. of Am.
/__/ /_/ /__  \ |__| /__/ | My views and opinions do not reflect
  /_____/_____/__/\__\    | or represent those of my school.
__________________________|______________________________________