From: mbanth@hpbs1505.boi.hp.com (Mike Banther)
Subject: Re: Love Lost
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 08:09:49 GMT
Reply-To: mbanth@hpbs1505.boi.hp.com (Mike Banther)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Laboratories

In article <ewalt-200193190647@kip2-28.apple.com>, ewalt@apple.com (Alan
Ewalt) writes:

|>Does anyone out there have some advice on dealing with lonliness, how to
|>meet
|>nice people, and just getting over lost love...?

When my marriage broke up several years ago, I was just plain nuts for quite
a while.  It was like nothing I'd ever gone through before.  I was very
fortunate and found some friends who helped me to adjust.  They told me (and
told me and told me) several things:

   a) It's natural, normal and perfectly okay to feel despair, depression,
      euphoria, etc.  Don't let these throw you, they're just feelings and
      they will pass.  Enjoy the good ones, endure the bad ones.

   b) When feelings get difficult to handle, pick up the phone and call
      someone and talk about it.  This works especially well if you have a
      same sex friend that you trust but I've spilled my guts to a lot of
      women friends as well.  I've found that I do best when I have three
      to six people that I can tell _anything_ to and they'll accept it
      without criticism.  You'd be surprised how many people there are who
      will accept you and feel honored when you share your deepest troubles
      with them.  They instinctively sense the honesty in that and respond
      with decency and respect.

   c) Best to avoid a romantic involvement for a while if possible.  The
      infamous "rebound" effect is likely to be in full swing.  I had
      trouble with this one and got involved too early with someone else.
      I ended up treating both of us less well than I wanted to.  Several
      years later, after another serious relationship had broken up, I did
      much better having learned from the first time.

   d) Good friendships can be hard to find.  There are some organizations
      that make it a little easier.  If you have kids check out Parents
      Without Partners.  Being from a long long line of alcoholics, I got
      involved with Al-Anon and found a lot of help there.  There are meet-
      ings for Adult Children (of Alcoholics, of Dysfunctional Familys, of 
      ... ) around also.  Most of these groups maintain a telephone number
      where you can get information.  If you're in Silicon Valley I may be
      able to get you some specifics.

   e) There are a lot of books out about relationships and losing them and
      I would advise you to _avoid_ most of them.  However, "How to Survive
      the Loss of a Love" has some good stuff in it.  Just about anything
      Sheldon Kopp has ever written has helped me at one time or another.
      I read "An End to Innocence" soon after my break-up and learned quite
      a bit about myself.

Hope I haven't blabbed on too long.  Good luck.  If you want to talk, drop me
a line.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Banther                        HP TelNet: 323-5031|"GOD is real, unless
Disk Memory Division             Telephone: (208) 323-5031| declared integer."
Hewlett-Packard Company     E-mail: mbanth@mail.boi.hp.com|
----------------------------------------------------------|"Entropy requires
Being corporeal, I am burdened with opinions.  Do not,    | no maintenance."
however, mistake my opinions for those of my corporation. |
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