From: fany@fons.nbg.sub.org (Martin Sluka)
Newsgroups: de.talk.jokes
Subject: Life Of Brian (was: Re: Zwerge)
Date: 15 Oct 92 17:27:42 GMT
Reply-To: postmaster
Organization: Chaos Research Home Lab
X-Software: HERMES GUS 1.04 Rev. Sep  5 1992

Hiya!

Gut, Ihr wolltet es ja nicht anders.

Martin.

Anhang
======

From: law10@po.CWRU.Edu (Lorrie A. Wood)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Not a Girl Named Brian!
Date: 23 Sep 1992 13:02:36 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
NNTP-Posting-Host: thor.ins.cwru.edu


And now, for your reading enjoyment, as recently schlepped into my mailbox by
some helpful moose (oops, wrong movie 8-)), another script.

T
Message #28 (28 is last):
Date: Wed Sep 23 05:59:15 1992
From: sommer@iesd.auc.dk (Lars Erik Fynboe Sommer)
Subject: Calling All Scripts!
To: law10@po.CWRU.Edu (Lorrie A. Wood)


******************************************************
************** THE LIFE OF BRIAN SCRYPT **************
**************	   aka Briag Skrypt	**************
******************************************************
**************	     version 1.00	**************
******************************************************
************** Painfully Tanscribed by	**************
**************	sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie	**************
**************	      aka Noims 	**************
******************************************************
**************	    Totally exact	**************
**************	  (as far as I know)	**************
******************************************************
**************	    )C( Copywrong	**************
**************	 Late at night, 1992	**************
******************************************************

  Firstly, a note on the format. If you think this is part of the film, you
don't deserve to even read this... go see it again/first. 
  All stuff in the left 8 Chars are peeps names. I've made up names for some
of them, so don't think they're real or anything.
  All stuff in square brackets (ie. []) are actions.
  All stuff in curly brackets (ie. {}) are my own comments.
  All other stuff is speach (so whoopie fuckin' doo!!!)
  All spelling mistakes are on purpose, wheather I know about them or not.
  All mistakes are also known by me, and were included to test you raders.
  All grammar mistakes (esp. in languages other than Merlinese (see below)
are also more difficult tests.
  All above and below conditions assume the reader is literate.
  Any corrections should be mailed to me or my next of kin (depending on my 
current state of decay).
  No poofters!
  Thanx are due only to Alexis Donnelly, Vinny Cahill, and Brendan Tangney
for providing a good reason for me to finish this (ie. the alternative is
work).
  I suppose I should thank a Mr. M. Python for providing the original words.
  Mhol na daoine Bu/bo/nach o/n Ifreann ce/ maith Gne/as le Lacha.
  This was written solely on an Acorn Archimedes, coz the alternatives were 
a TRS-80, and a <spit> PC <spit>.
  Send any lawsuits to Bruce@philosophy.walamaloo.au!!! 
  Eat and enjoy, citizen.

NB/ Mail me corrections, with the title: "Briag (v1) corexions", and include
   only the orrected line , and its position in the film (ie. tell me wot
   scene it's from.) If there's lots of corrections in one place, mail me the
   entire corrected version, orroit? Any substantial corrections wll be
   credited in Briag V1.1


*****************************************************************************

	     LIFE OF BRIAN , MONTY PYTHON 1979

*****************************************************************************


--------[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and
	 (you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes
	 to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this
	 village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they
	 dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman
	 (MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a
	 new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The
	 men approach, still un-noticed until they are quite close to MC
	 where they stop.]
--------[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard] 

WM1	Ahem
MC	Waaah!
--------[MC falls off her seat in surprise]
	Who are you?
WM1	We are 3 wise men
MC	What?
WM2	We are 3 wise men
MC	Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in 
	the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WM3	We are astrologers. 
WM1	We have come from the east.
MC2	Is this some kind of joke?
WM1	We wish to praise the infant.
WM	We must pay homage to him.
MC	Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting
	in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.
--------[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all
	 the same.] 
WM1	Nono, we must see him.
MC	Go and praise someone elses brat. Go on.
WM1	We, we were led by a star.
MC	Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.
WM1	But we must see him, we have brought presents.
MC	Out.
WM1	Gold, frankincence, mhyrr.
--------[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well,
	 wouldn't you?]
MC	Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit
	of a mess. Well, what is mhyrr anyway?
WM1	It is a valuable balm.
MC	A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.
WM1	What?
MC	That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
WM1	No it isn't.
MC	Yes it is, it's great big <mm>
--------[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big <mm>]
WM3	Nonono, it is an ointment
MC	Awww. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? 
	So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?
WM2	Hmm?
MC	What star sign is he?
WM2	Uhhh. Capricorn.
MC	Uhhh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WM2	He is the son of God, our messiah. 
WM1	King of the jews
MC	So that's capricorn, is it?
WM2	Nonono, that's just him.
MC	Awww. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
WM1	By what name are you calling him?
MC	Uh. Brian.
WMen	We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you
	Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
MC	You do a lot of this then?
WM2	What?
MC	This praising.
WM2	No no, no no.
MC	Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanx a lot 
	for the gold, and frankincence, but don't worry too much about the 
	mhyrr next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't 
	they nice, hmm. 
	Out of their bloody minds, still... 
--------[The wise men ventuer outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They
	 then return to MC, an dproceed to take back their presents, as she
	 talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift]
	Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here!
	Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aww.
--------[To the sound of angelic musiv, we see the wise men outside where
	 they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright   
	 light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the
	 shed with her son.]
Brian	Waaah.
MC	Shaddup
	 
--------[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening
	 credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe]


Brian. The babe they call Brian
He grew. Grew grew and grew,
Grew up to be, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was suddenly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they call Brian
This man called Brian!				   


--------[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure
	 is standing on a mount oraculating]


	Captions:	JUDEA  A.D.33
			SATURDAY AFTERNOON
			ABOUT TEA TIME
Jesus	How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.
	How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth
	for their possession.
	How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail;
	They shall be satisfied...
--------[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here
	 we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit,
	 lucky her}]
MC	Speak up! 
Brian	Ssssh. Quiet mum.
MC	Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.
--------[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man
	 (Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man
	 I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become
	 clear.]
Bignose Sssh.
Brian	You can go to the stoning any time.
MC	Oh come on Brian.
Bignose Will you be quiet!
Bn wife Don't pick yer nose.
Bignose I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
Bn wife You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
Bignose I wasn't.
Bn wife Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Trouble Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
Bn wife Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
Trouble Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody 
	thing.
Bignose Don't you swear at my wife.
Trouble I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, 
	Bignose.
Bnwife	Don't you call my husband Bignose.
Trouble Well he has got a big nose.
Jew	Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that?
Trouble I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.
Man	I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
Jewwife Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Jew	Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any
	manufacturers of dairy products.
Trouble See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
Bignose Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
Trouble Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the 
	bignoses.
Brian	Oh lay off him.
Trouble Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? 
	Nose city?
Bignose One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
Bn Wife Language... and don't pick your nose.			   
Bignose I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
Man2	Hear that? Blessed are the greek.
Jew	The greek?
Man2	Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
Jew	Did anyone catch his name?
bn wife You're not going to thump anybody.
Bignose I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.
Trouble Oh shut up Bignose.
Bignose Ah. Orright. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
--------[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the
	 real story.]
Bnwife	Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice innit. 
	I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Trouble Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
Bignose Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time
	I've finished with you.
Man	Sssssh.
Trouble Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
Bignose Oh. Right. That's your last warning
Jewwife Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly get hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH!
--------[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the
	 area]
MC	Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.
Brian	All right.
--------[Brian notices a group of people in balck walking by him, including a
	 rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
Francis Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the 
	status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.
Reg	Yeah, well what Jesus blaitently fails to appreciate is it's the meek
	who are the problem.
Judith	Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see.
MC	Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.
Brian	All right.
Trouble Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They
	shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big
	nose's fault... he started it all.



--------[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep)
	 selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MC	Oh I hate wearing these beards.
Brian	Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?
MC	It's written. That's why.
Shopkep Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening 
			     his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]
Woman	Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well 
	again.
Donkey	Hee haw, hee haw.
Shopkep Stone, sir?
MC	Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.
Shopkep Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's
	craftsmanship sir.
MC	Hmmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.
Brian	Can I have a flat one mum?
MC	Ssssh. 
Brian	Sorry, dad.
MC	Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
Shopkep Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MC	Yeah?						      
Shopkep Local boy.
MC	Oh. Good.
Shopkep Enjoy yourselves.


--------[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large
	 number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to
	 get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd
	 consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in
	 front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the
	 crowd to settle down.]
Elder	Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
Mathias [to a guard] Do I say yes?
Guard	Yes.
Mathias [To the elder] Yes.
Elder	You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering
	the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...
Crowd	Ooooh.
Elder	...you are to be stoned
	to death.
--------[The crowd look anxious to kill Mathias]
Mathias Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That
	piece of hallibut was good enough for Jehovah'.
Crowd	Oooooooh!
Elder	BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again
Crowd	Yes, yes. <etc>
Elder	Did you hear him?
Crowd	Yes, yes. <etc>
Woman1	Really.
--------[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the
	 woman's voice.]
Elder	Are there any women here today?
Crowd	[Guiltily] <mumble mumble>
Elder	Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
--------[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits mathias on
	 the head.]
Mathias Oh lay off... we haven't started yet.
Elder	Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
Crowd	She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did.
	[Their voices drop as they realise their mistake.]
Woman1	Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.}
Elder	Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we?
Mathias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphey, just saying Jehovah.
Crowd	[Shocked] He said it again!
Edler	You're only making it worse for yourself.
Mathias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
Crowd	Ooooooh!
Elder	I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more...
	[A stone flys by and hits the elder.]
	Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?
Crowd	She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him.
Elder	Was it you?
Woman2	Yes.
Elder	Right...
Woman2	Well you did say Jehovah.
	[She gets stoned {the blasphemer}]
Elder	Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to
	stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and
	I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.
--------[The skocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping
	 of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]
Woman3	Good shot.
--------[One of the two roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head.
	 They do nothing.]
								   

--------[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk
	 home]
Brian	Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MC	Oh stop thinking about sex.
Brian	I wasn't.
MC	You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls
	like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?


--------[A number of beggars sit by the side of the raod begging. All seem
	 sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading
	 for money from a man riding a donkey.]]
Beggar1 Spare a sheckle...
Beggar2 God bless you, sir.
Leper1	Alms for a leper.
Leper2	Alms for a leper.
X-leper Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they.
	Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.
--------[Brian and his mum walk along the street.]
	Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC	Buzz off.
X-leper [Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC	A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
X-leper Half a talent then.
MC	Now go away.
X-leper Come on, bignose. Let's haggle.
Brian	What?
X-leper All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start
	at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.
Brian	No.
X-leper Seventeen-fifty? 
MC	Go away.
X-leper Seventeen-fourty.
MC	Look. Will you leave him alone.
X-leper All right... two sheckles. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MC	Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.
X-leper All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper.
Brian	Did you say EX-leper?
X-leper That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Brian	Well what happened?
X-leper Oh, cured sir.
Brian	Cured?
X-leper Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.
Brian	Well who cured you?
X-leper Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of
	a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
	next minute my livlehood's gone, not so much as a buy your leave... 
	You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.
Brian	Well why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again.
X-leper Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What
	I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit 
	lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something 
	beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, 
	excuse my french sir, but...
MC	Brian. Come and clean your room out.
Brian	There you are.
X-leper Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story?
Brian	There's no pleasing some people.
X-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir. 
--------[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road]


--------[Brian and MC enter their home to find a roman officer sitting down
	 inside]
MC	Oh.
Officer Good afternoon.
MC	Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all 
	right dear?
Brian	What's he doing here?
MC	Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
Brian	Bloody romans.
MC	Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and 
	don't you forget it.
Brian	We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
MC	Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian?
Brian	What do you mean?
MC	Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...
Brian	My nose?
MC	Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
Brian	What is it?
MC	Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, 
	Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian	I never thought he was...
MC	Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in
	the Roman army.
Brian	You mean... you were raped?
MC	Aw, at first, yes.
Brian	Who was he?
MC	Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he 
	did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses
	milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me, 
	and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aquaduct.
Brian	The bastard.
MC	Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody romans, don't forget
	you're one of them.
Brian	[In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.]
	I'm not a roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a 
	heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and
	proud of it.
MC	Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are 
	you then, officer? 
--------[She then kneels down as the officer stands.]
--------{Hmmmm. I wonder how she earns her living...}



	Caption:	THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
			CHILDREN'S MATINEE
Voice	Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath -
	The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser.
--------[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away
	 a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the
	 finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm
	 into her robes.]
Brian	[Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}]
	Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes.
	Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. 
	Dromedary prezels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.
--------[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organisation the PFJ. On
	 a higherstep sit (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below
	 them sits Judith.]
Judith	I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must
	reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.
Reg	Agreed. Francis?
Francis Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the
	movement never forgets that it is the inaliable right of every man...
Stan	Or woman.
Francis ...or woman. To rid himself...
Stan	Or herself.
Francis ...or herself.
Reg	Agreed.
Francis Thank you brother.
Stan	Or sister.
Francis ...or sister. Where was I?
Reg	I think you'd finished.
Francis Oh, right.
Reg	Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
Stan	Or woman.
Reg	Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
Stan	Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan	I want to be one.
Reg	What?
Stan	I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me 
	Loretta.
--------[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comly with his
	 request.]
Reg	What???
Loretta It's my right as a man.
Judith	Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta I want to have babies.
Reg	You want to have babies?
Loretta It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg	But you can't have babies.
Loretta Don't you oppress me.
Reg	I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the 
	foetis going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
--------[Loretta starts crying.]
Judith	Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
	babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the
	Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
--------[This seems to satisfy him.]
Francis Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to 
	have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg	What's the point?
Francis What?
Reg	What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he
	can't have babies?
Francis It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg	Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
	 
		     
--------[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately
	 crawls back.]
Guard?	Get out there. Get out there.
Boris	It's um... It's dangerous ot there. Ahahh. Oh.
--------[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is
	 carryng a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away
	 from his opponant, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by
	 an armoured arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.]
Crowd	Aaah. Oh no. <etc>
Viewer	What a load of rubbish.
Brian	[He approaching the PFJ with his tray of food.]
	Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens.
Reg	You got any nuts?
Brian	Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's 
	spleens.
Reg	No, no, no.
Brian	Otter's noses?
Reg	I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.
Judith	Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian	Proper food?
Reg	Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits.
Brian	Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
Reg	All right. Bag of otter's noses then.
Francis Make it two.
Reg	Two.
--------[Brian hands them two bags.]
Francis Thanks, Reg.
Brian	Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg	Fuck off.
Brian	What?
Reg	Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean 
	People's front, caw.
Francis Wankers.
Brian	Can I join your group?
Reg	No. Piss off.
Brian	I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans 
	as much as anybody.
PFJ	Sssh. Ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh
Judith	Are you sure?
Brian	Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.
Reg	Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really 
	hate the Romans.
Brian	I do.
Reg	Oh yeah? How much?
Brian	A lot!
Reg	Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the 
	Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
PFJ	Yeah
Judith	Splitters.
Francis And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.
PFJ	Oh yeah. Splitters.
Loretta And the peoples Front of Judea.
PFJ	Splitters.
Reg	What?
Loretta The Peoples front of Judea. Splitters.
Reg	We're the Peoples front of Judea.
Loretta Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg	Peoples Front.
Francis Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg	He's over there.
--------[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
--------{Some POPULAR front, eh?}
PFJ	[To the old man.]  SPLITTER!
Goliath <pant> <pant> Oh. Ooh. Ooh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac
	arrest.
--------[He falls dead.]
Roman	Absolutely dreadful. Humph.
--------[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what
	 he thinks of them.]
Crown	Yay. <etc>
Reg	Brother. Haha. What's your name?
Brian	Brian. Brian Cohen.
Reg	We may have a little job for you, Brian.  
  


--------[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting
	 something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman
	 guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian (Cntrian) who
	 reads his writing.]
Cntrian What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go
	the house?
Brian	It, it says 'Romans go home'.
Cntrian No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
Brian	aaah.
Cntrian Come on.
Brian	Ah! Romanus?
Cntrian Goes like?
Brian	Annus?
Cntrian Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
Brian	Anni?
Cntrian Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.]
	Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian	Go.
Cntrian Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
Brian	Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Cntrian So eunt is?
Brian	Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
Cntrian But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
--------[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
Brian	The imperative.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian	Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
Cntrian How many Romans?
Brian	Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
Cntrian Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.]
	Domus? Nomonative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian	Dative, sir. 
--------[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.]
	Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh.
	The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
Cntrian Except that 'domus' takes the?
Brian	The locative, sir.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian	Domum. Aaah! ah.
--------[Again, the writing is ammended.]
Cntrian Domum... um... Understand?
Brian	Yes, sir.
Cntrian Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian	Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser, sir.
Cntrian Hail Caeser. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls 
	off.
Brian	Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser and everything, sir.
	Oh. Mmm!
--------[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentrys behind to guard him.]


--------[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian ahs written the slogan all over the front
	 of the palace.]
Brian	Finished!
--------[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points
	his spear threatiningly at Brian, and speaks.] 
Sentry	Right. Now don't do it again.
--------[The two walk off as Brian admires his handywork. Unfortunately, 
	 another group of guards come along, and realise whah has been
	 written. Brian realises, and runs. They give chase, careless of the
	 citizens] 

Man	Hey! Bloody Romans.
--------[Just as Brian starts to dispair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over 
	his mouth, and drags him backwards nto an alcove. When he is released
	he recognises his saviour through the darkness... Judith.]




--------[In the PFJ's official HQ, francis stands pointing at a plan of
	 Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other
	 members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colloseum.]
Francis We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through
	into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is
	here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our
	custardy, and forthwith, issue our demends. Any questions?
--------{Spot the dancing catepillars}
Rebel1	What exactly are the demands?
Reg	We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of
	the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, 
	we execute her.
Mathias Cut her head off?
Francis Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show
	them we're not to be trifled with.
Reg	And of course, we point out that they bear full responsability when
	we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail.
--------[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to
	 their foreheads.]
PFJ	No Blackmail!!
Reg	They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
	And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' 
	fathers.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg	Yeah.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg	Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever
	given us in return?
Rebel2	The aquaduct?
Reg	What?
Rebel2	The aquaduct.
Reg	Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Rebel3	And sanitation.
Loretta Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Reg	Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aquaduct , the santation are two
	things the Romans have done...
Mathias And the roads.
Reg	Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, 
	don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aquaduct, and the
	roads...
Rebel4	Irrigation.
Rebel2	Medcine.
Rebel5	Education.
Reg	Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...
Rebel1	And the wine.
Rebels	Oh, yeah <mumbled agreement>
Francis Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg,  if the
	Romans left, huh.
Rebel6	Public baths.
Loretta And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg.
Francis Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only
	ones who could in a place like this.
PFJ	Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh.
Reg	All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medecine, education,
	wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and
	public health... What have the Romans ever done for us?
Rebel2	Brought peace?
Reg	Oh, peace. Shaddup.

--------[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide
	 wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in
	 a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and 
	 ambles over to the door.]
Mathias I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.
--------[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
Judith	It's all right, Mathias.
Mathias It's all clear.
--------[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
Judith	Well where's Reg?
Francis Oh Reg. Reg, Judith.
Reg	What went wrong?
Judith	The first blow has been struck.
Reg	Did he finish the slogan?
Judith	A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the
	palace.
Reg	Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before
	you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly
	suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Rebel	Uh.. well one.
Reg	Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with
	us?
Brian	Yes.					       
--------[Again the PFJ slaute, and Brian copies the movement.]
Reg	From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him
	about the raid on pilate's palace, Francis.
Francis Right. This is the plan...

							      
--------[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis
	 dictates the plan.]
Francis Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will 
	approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to 
	the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers
	on our way to a conferance. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder
	of the PFJ will be co-ordinating consutant at the drain head, though
	he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has
	a bad back.				   
--------[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
Brian	Aren't you going to come with us?
Reg	Solidarity, brother.
Brian	Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg.
Francis Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman
	feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear 
	your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus
	memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault
	This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those 
	weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers.
	This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop. 
Chisel	<chink> <thuk> <thuk> <thuk>
--------[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which
	 all the PFJ emerge.]

Hearts	<thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump> <thump-thump>
--------[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels...
	 the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other
	 side.]
CFG 1	Sssh.
CFG 2	Sssh.
--------[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused
	 moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh
	 accent.]
CFGHead Campaign for Free Galilee.
PFJHead Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.
CFGHead Oh.
PFJHead What's your group doing here?
CFGHead We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
PFJHead So are we.
CFGHead What?
PFJHead That's our plan.
CFGHead We were here first.
PFJHead What do you mean?
CFGHead We thougt of it first.
PFJ Man Oh yeah?
CFGHead Yes. A couple of years ago.
PFJ	Oh, yeahehehe.
CFG Man He did!
PFJHead Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?
CFGHead 'Course we have.
PFJHead What are they?
CFGHead Well I'm not telling you.
PFJ men <growl> yeah.
PFJHead Oh come on. Pull the other one.
CFGHead That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
Various Ssssh.
PFJHead Did not.
CFGHead We did.
PFJ	You did not.
CFG	We bloody did!
Various Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.
CFGHead You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
PFJHead Well tought titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW!
--------[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
Brian	Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together.
PFJHead We are!
Brian	We musn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the
	common enemy.
All	The Judean People's front!!!
Brian	No. No. The Romans!
All	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
Someone Yeah. He's right.
--------[Two Roman guards approach slowly.] 
Other1	Look out!
CFGHead Right. Where were we?
PFJHead Uh. You were going to punch me.
CFGHead Oh yeah.
--------[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all
	 members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other.
	 They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
Brian	Brothers!!! Oof!


--------[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the
	 palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
Jailer	[Throwing Brian into a cell]
	He he he. <spit>
Brian	Aah.
Jailer	Heh heh he. <cough>
--------[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
Prisonr You lucky bastard. 
Brian	Who's that?
--------[As brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a
	 white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
Prisner You lucky lucky bastard.
Brian	What?
Prisonr Proper little jailers pet, aren't we?
Brian	What do you mean?
Prisonr You must have slipped him a few sheckles, eh?
Brian	Slipped him a few sheckles? You saw him spit in my face.
Prisonr Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang
	awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian	Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! 
Prisonr Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put
	in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines
	out of your arse, sonny.
Brian	Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
Prisonr YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me
	up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...
Brian	All right, all right.
Prisonr They must think you're lord God almighty.
Brian	What will they do to me?
Prisonr Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian	Crucifixion??!!!!!
Prisonr Yeah. First offence.
Brian	Get away with crucifixion? It's...
Prisonr Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian	WHAT?!!!
Prisonr Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right
	bloody mess!
Brian	Guard!
Prisonr Nail 'em up, I say!
Brian	Guard!
Prisonr Nail some sense into them!
--------[The Jailer once again comes to the door.]
Jailer	Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant?
Brian	I want you to move me to another cell.
Jailer	Ha! <spit>
Brian	Aaaah.
Prisonr Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism.
Jailer	Shaddup, you.
Prisonr Sorry.
Jailer	[Walking away.]
	Ugh.
Prisonr Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, 
	they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again.
	which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing
	else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that 
	you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do 
	a fair days work for a fair day's...
Brian	Oh, shut up!!!
Jailer	Uuuuh.
Cntrian Pilate wants to see you.
Brian	Me? 
Cntrian Come on!
Brian	Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Cntrian I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified.
Prisner Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it.
Cntrian Shut up.
Prisner Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. 


--------[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there
	 are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently
	 the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer (Designr) stands
	 talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and
	 in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3,
	 and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various
	 others.]
Designr <murmer> <murmer> with one large feeding area here.
Cntrian Hail Caesar.
Pilate	Hail.
Cntrian Only one survivor, Sir.
Pilate	Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian What Sir?
Pilate	Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown th the floor.]
Brian	Aaah.
Pilate	Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian	Brian, sir.
Pilate	Bwian, eh?
Brian	Nono. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.] 
	Aaah.
Pilate	Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Cntrian Has what, sir?
Pilate	Spiwit.
Cntrian Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate	Nono, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Cntrian Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.
Pilate	So. You dare to waid us.
Brian	To what sir?
Pilate	Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--------[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
Brian	Waah!
Cntrian Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?
Pilate	What?
Cntrian Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?
Pilate	Oh, yes.  Thwow him to the floor please.
--------[I won't even bother saying it...]
Brian	Aaah!
Pilate	Now, Jewith wapscallion.
Brian	I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate	A Wowman?
Brian	Nono, Roman. [<WHAP>] Aah!
Pilate	So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he?
Brian	He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison sir.
Pilate	Weally?  What was his name?
Brian	Naughtius Maximus.
Cntrian Wohahahaha!
Pilate	Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Cntrian Well no, sir.
Pilate	Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?
Cntrian Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius
	Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir.
Guard1	<snigger>
Pilate	What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Cntrian Well it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate	I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Guard1	<Snigger>
Pilate	Silence!  What is all this insolence?  You will find yourself in
	gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian	Can I go now sir? [<WHAP>] Aaaagh!
Pilate	Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Guard1	<snigger>
Pilate	Wight! Take him away.
Cntrian Oh sir, he uh....
Pilate	No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
Cntrian Yes, sir. Come on you.
Guard1	Hahaha. Hoohoohoo.
Pilate	I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
	Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend 
	Biggus ...Dickus.
Guard4	Huhuhu.
--------[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]
Pilate	What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus
Guard2	Parp.
Pilate	... Dickus?
Guard3	<snigger>
--------[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]
Pilate	He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called
	Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
--------[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
	Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel 
	sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards?
	You're not...
--------[Bwian, sorry Brian siezes his chance, and scarpers.] 
	Sieze him! Sieze him! Blow your noses and sieze him!


--------[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A
	 Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He
	 drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.]
	 {BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet
	  later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's
	  hammer...)}
Builder Hmmm? Oh. <whistle> <whistle>. 
	[He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction]
	Sorry.
--------[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it
	 stops, so he doesn't.]
Brian	Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
--------[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing
	 by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall
	 into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers,
	 it must have been a million-to-one chance!}]
Alien1	Azzz.
Alien2	Rozak chabba.
--------[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.] 
	 ship starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi
	 crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.] 
	 
Siren	Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.
Alien1	Aaaagh. Ghrote.

--------[A large cirgular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at
	 them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an
	 asteroid, and heads bach for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall.
	 They crash at the base of the unfinnished tower and Brian walks away
	 uscathed. Well, wouldn't you?]
Witness Ooh, you lucky bastard.


--------[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs.
	 He come to a place where there are a number of profits standing on
	 pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) profit, covered
	 in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.]
Dirty	And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with
	the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride
	forth on a grey headed serpant, and throughout the lands there shall
	be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah.
--------{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?}
	[Next comes a profit with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian 
	 Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.]
N.Irish And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two,
	or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched 
	sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on
	the head;				       
--------[Finally, we come to a profit I have seen called the 'Boring' profit,
	 but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into
	 account his knowlege of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the
	 Accurate profit (Acurate).]
Acurate ... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of
	things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to
	where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth
	those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an
	attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer,
	and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by
	their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night 
	before, about eight O'clock.
--------[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.]
other	Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time...


--------[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of
	 disguising himself. He spots a Beard selling stand, and heads for it
	 There, he meet a Merchant (Merchnt), and picks up a fake beard.]
Brian	How much?  Quick!
Merchnt What?
Brian	It's for the wife.
Merchnt Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels.
Brian	Right.
Merchnt What?
Brian	There you are.
Merchnt Wait a minute.
Brian	What?
Merchnt Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle.
Brian	No, no, I've got to get...
Merchnt What do you mean, no no no?
Brian	I haven't time, I've got ...
Merchnt Well give it back then.
Brian	No, no, no I paid you.
Merchnt Burt!
--------[A large man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.]
Burt	Yeah?
Merchnt This bloke won't haggle.
Burt	Won't haggle???
Brian	All right... do we have to?
--------[Burt disappears.]
Merchnt Now look. I want twenty for that.
Brian	I, I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
Brian	No.
Merchnt Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
Brian	All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
Merchnt No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
Brian	What?
Merchnt Haggle properly.  This isn't worth nineteen.
Brian	But you just said it was worth twenty.
Merchnt Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle.
Brian	All right, I'll give you ten.
Merchnt That's more like it.
	Ten!?  Are you trying to insult me?  Me?  With a poor dying
	grandmother...Ten!?!
Brian	All right, I'll give you Eleven.
Merchnt Now you're getting it.	Eleven!?!  Did I hear you right?  Eleven? 
	This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?
Brian	Seventeen.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
Brian	Eighteen?
Merchnt No, no,.  You go to fourteen now.
Brian	All right, I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt Fourteen, are you joking?
Brian	That's what you told me to say.
Merchnt Oh dear.
Brian	Oh Tell me what to say. Please.
Merchnt Offer me fourteen.
Brian	I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian	Fifteen.
Merchnt Seventeen.  My last word.  I won't take a penny less, or strike me
	dead.
Brian	Sixteen.
Merchnt Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in 
	this as well.
	[Hands Brian the Gourd.]
Brian	I don't want it, but thanks.
Merchnt Burt!
Burt	Yeah?
Brian	All right, all right, all right.
Merchnt Where's the sixteen you owe me?
Brian	I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then. 
Brian	No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine.
Merchnt No, I've got it here somewhere.
Brian	It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
Merchnt Four for this gourd? Four!!!!  Look at it, that's worth ten if it's
	worth a shekel.
Brian	But you just gave it to me for nothing.
Merchnt Yes, but it's worth ten.
Brian	All right, all right.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for
	that, you must be mad!
	[He notices Brian running.]
Merchnt Ah, well. <snif>. There's one born every minute.
--------[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, thy are reading a list of the
	 ex-rebels who went on the raid.]
Reg	Daniel.
Loretta Daniel.
Rebel	Job.
Reg	Job.
Loretta Job.
Rebel	Joshua.
Reg	Joshua.
Loretta Joshua.
Rebel	Judges.
Reg	Judges.
Loretta Judges.
Rebel	and Brian.
Reg	and Brian.
Loretta Brian.
Reg	I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in
	the minutes as probationary martys to the cause.
Loretta I second that, Reg.
Reg	Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. 
	Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this
	is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in 
	a...
Mathias Look out!
--------[Brian walks in still wearing his beard, and uncovers the others in
	 their hiding places.]
Brian	Hello? Mathias? Reg.
Reg	Go away!
Brian	Hmm? Reg. It's me, Brian.
Reg	Get off! Get off, out of it!
Brian	Stan.
Loretta Piss off.
Rebel1	Yeah... piss off.
Rebel2	Bugger off.
--------[There is a loud knocking at the door.]
Reg	Oh, shit!!!

Mathias Coming.
--------[Mathias signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but
	 it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he
	 can see the accurate prophet from two scenes ago.]
Acurate Yea verily at that time, it is written in the book of Issiah that a 
	man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey.
Mathias [Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
--------[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own
	 Centurian.]
Cntrian Are you Mathias?
Mathias Yes.
Cntrian We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
	a member of the terrorist organisation: the People's Front of Judea.
Mathias Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My
	legs are grey, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent.
Cntrian Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!
--------[The rest of of the legion march quickly into the house.]
	You know the penalty layed down by Roman law for harbouring a known
	criminal?
Mathias No.
Cntrian Crucfiction.
Mathias Oh.
Cntrian Nasty, eh?
Mathias Hm. Could be worse.
Cntrian What do you mean 'could be worse'?
Mathias Well, you could be stabbed.
Cntrian Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 
	'orrible death.
Mathias Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air.
Cntrian You're weird!
--------[The guards march back out.]
Sergent No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
Cntrian But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo.
	[He walks away.]
Mathias Big-nose.
Cntrian Watch it!
Mathias Phew. That was lucky.
--------[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.]
Brian	I'm sorry, Reg.
Reg	Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth
	legion straight to our offial headquarters. Well, that's all right
	then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU 
	KLUTZ!!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed...
--------[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.]
Mathias My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Cntrian There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
--------[The guards march back in. Some of Mathias' rabling is obscured by
	 the marching.]
Mathias I'm just a poor old man....<mumble>....my eyes are poor, my nose is
	knackered.
Cntrian Have you ever seen anyone cucified?
Mathias Crucifixion's a doddle.
Cntrian Don't keep saying that.
--------[The guards march out again, the sergent holding the wooden spoon
	 used by Francis earlier.]
Sergent Found this spoon, sir.
Cntrian Well done, sergent. We'll be back... oddball.
--------[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.]
	Open up!
Mathias You haven't given us time to hide.


--------[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival,
	 and Brian falls on thop of the accurate prophet.]
Brian	Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Acurate ... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Wooooooah!
--------[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian
	 is left standing there.] 
Croud	<clap> <clap> <clap> <clap>
--------[The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at
	 Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.]
N.Irish ... a nine bladed sword which he shall strike...
Black	... the jumbo jets which shall flyy up to the...
--------[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be
	 seen as an imposter.He start speaking to his audience.]
--------[Pasr-By : A man in grey who happens to be in the area. 
	 Begger  : An old Begger sitting on the podium beside Brian.
	 Hekelr1 : A Woman holding a baby.
	 Hekelr2 : A man in a turban.
	 Hekelr3 : A man in a turabn with a beard and moustaches.]
Brian	Don't uh, pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged
	yourself.
Pasr-By What?
Brian	I said don't pass judgement on other people, or else You might get 
	judged too.
Pasr-By Who, Me?
Brian	Yes.
Pasr-By Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.
Brian	Well, not just you. All of you.
Begger	That's a nice gourd.
Brian	What?
Begger	How much do you want for the gourd?
Brian	I don't. You can have it.
Begger	Have it?
Brian	Yes. Consider the lillies...
Begger	Don't you want to haggle?
Brian	No... in the fields.	    
Begger	What's wrong with it then?
Brian	Nothing. Take it.
Hekler1 Consider the lillies?
Brian	Uh, well, the birds then.
Hekler2 What birds?
Brian	Any birds.
Hekler2 Why?
Brian	Well, have they got jobs?
Hekler3 Who?
Brian	The birds.
Hekler2 Have the birds got jobs?!?
--------[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.]
Hekler5 What's the matter with him?
Hekler3 He says the birds are scrounging.
Brian	Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they?
Hekler5 Well good luck to 'em.
Hekler2 Yeah. They're very pretty. 
Brian	O.K. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are
	you worrying about? There you are, See?
Hekler2 I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.
Brian	I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lillies.
Hekler3 He's having a go at the flowers now!
Hekler2 Oh, give the flowers a chance.
Begger	I'll give you one for it.
Brian	It's yours.
Begger	Two.
Brian	Look, there was this man, and he had two servants...
Hekler3 What were they called?
Brian	What?
Hekler3 What were their names?
Brian	I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
Hekler2 You don't know?!?
Brian	Well it doesn't matter.
Hekler3 He doesn't know what they were called.
Brian	Oh, they were called Noims, and Adrian, now...
Hekler3 Oh! You said you didn't know!
Brian	It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants.
Hekler3 He's making it up as he goes along!
Brian	No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there
	three?
Hekler2 Oh, he's terrible!
Hekler3 Rsprrrrr!
Brian	There were three, there were two or three!
Hekler1 Ah, get off!	      
--------[Just as is gets worst, along comes the Roman legion wh have by now
	 finished searching Mathias' house.]
Brian	OH!!! Eh, Uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now Hear This! Blessed are they...
Begger	Three.
Brian	... who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their  
	girth. 
HeklerX Rubbish!
Brian	And to them only shall be given... to them only... shall. Be. Given.
--------[The Romans pass.]
 
-------- [From this moment on, it is decreed that all hecklers shall become 
	  followers (folowrs) of Brian. The hecklers keeping their numbers.]

Folowr1 What?
Brian	Hmm?
Folowr1 Shall be given what?
Brian	Oh, Nothing.
Folowr1 What were you going to say?
Brian	Nothing.
Folowrs Yes you were.
Folowr1 Yes, you were going to say something.
Brian	No I wasn't. I'd finished.
Folowr1 Oh no you weren't.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us before you go.
Brian	I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.
Folowr1 No you hadn't.
BlindMn What won't he tell?
Folowr2 He won't say.
BlindMn Is it a secret?
Brian	No.
BlindMn Is it?
Folowr2 Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us the secret.
Brian	Leave me alone.
Folowr2 What is the secret?		    
--------[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.]
Folowr4 Is it the secret of eternal life?
Folowr2 He won't say!
Folowr3 Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't
	say.
Brian	Leave me alone.
Folowr4 Just tell me, please!
Folowr3 No, tell us, master. We were here first.
Folowr4 Tell us. Tell us, master.
Begger	Five.
Brian	Oh, go away.
Begger	I can't go above five.
Folowr4 Is that His gourd?
Begger	Yes, but it's under offer.
Folowr4 This is His gourd!
Begger	Ten!
Folowr4 It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master?
Folowr2 He's gone! He's been taken up!
Folowr4 <gasp>
Folowrs He's been taken up!!!
Begger	Eighteen!
Folowr3 No. There he is. Over there.
Folowr	Oh, yeah.



--------[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes (or is it a sandal?)
	 falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.]
Folowr3 He has given us a sign!
Folowr5 He has given us... a shoe!
Folowr3 The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.
Spike	What?
Folowr3 Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot
	for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Folowr2 Yes.
Folowr5 No no no.
Folowr2 No.
Folowr5 The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle.
Folowr4 Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd.
Spike	What?
Folowr5 No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me...
Folowr4 Get off!
Folowr2 No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of
	the body, but of the face, and head.
Folowr5 Give me your shoe.
Folowr2 Get off!
Folowr4 Follow the gourd. The holy gourd of Jerusalem.
Folowr	The gourd!
Folowr6 Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us.
Folowr3 It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
Folowr6 It is a sandal!
Folowr3 No, it is a shoe!
Folowr4 Cast it away!
Folowr5 Put it on!
Folowr2 Clear off!
Folowr5 Take the shoes and follow him!
Folowr4 All ye...<summat>... follow the gourdie [?!?]
--------[One man is left behind. He deserves his real name, I think. He
	 doesn't realise that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.]
Spike	No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like
	the seed to the grain.
--------[He then realises he's alone, so he walks off, embarrased.]


--------[Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the
	 countryside.]
Folowrs MASTER!!! MASTER!!!
Goats	<maaah>


--------[Brian comes upon a hole {Hmmmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty
	 person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop
	 that!}]
Brian	Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the 
	river?
Hermit	Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
Brian	Please please help me. I've got to get...
--------[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.]
Hermit	Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.]  OH my foot!!! Oh!
Brian	Ssssh.
Hermit	Oh, Damn, damn, damn!
Brian	I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit	Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it!
Brian	I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit	Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Sssh
	me!
Brian	What?
Hermit	I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable
	articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian	Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?
Hermit	Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in
	the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my
	name out! 
Brian	Sssssh.
--------[He starts getng happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to
	 stop him.]
Hermit	Oh, I'm alive! I'm father Gila. I'm father Gila. I'm father Gaaaagh!
	Oh I'm alive, I'm alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I'm aligggh! Get
	off. I'm alive! I'm father Gila, I'm father and I'm. <	    >!!!
	[He sees everyone.] 

--------[They see him, and run over to the hole.]
Folowrs Master! Master!
Folowr5 The master!
Folowr	He is here!
folowr	The shoe...
Folowrs <various ramblings>
Folowr3 Speak!
Folowrs Sssssh.
Folowr3 Speak to us master, speak to us.
Brian	Go away!
Folowrs A blessing! A blessing!
Folowr3 How shall we go away, master?
Brian	Oh, just go away. Leave me alone!
Folowr5 Give us a sign!
Folowr3 He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place!
Brian	I didn't bring you here, you just followed me.
Folowr5 Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
Folowr3 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They  are 
	weary, and have not eaten.
Brian	It's not my fault they haven't eaten.
Folowr3 There is no food in this high mountain.
Brian	Well what about the juniper bushes over there.
Folowrs <Gasp!> A miracle! A miracle!
--------[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.]
Folowr5 He has made the bush fruitful by His word.
Folowr2 They have brought forth juniper berries!
Brian	Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper 
	bushes! What do you expect?
Folowr1 Show us another miracle!
Folowr3 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper
	bushes enough?		      
Hermit	I say. Those are my juniper bushes.
Folowr3 They are a gift from God!
Hermit	They're all I've bloody got to eat. 
	[He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.]
	Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you.
Folowr6 Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BlindMn I am healed! The master has healed me!
Brian	I didn't touch him!
BlindMn I was blind, and now I can see! Oh!
--------[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into 
	 the hole. Nobody notices.]
Folowrs A miracle! A miracle!
Hermit	[After coming back to Brian.]
	Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till
	he came along.
Folowrs A miracle! He is the Messiah!
Hermit	Well he hurt my foot!
Folowrs Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine.
Folowr3 Hail, messiah.
--------[They all get down on their knees.]
Brian	I'm not the messiah.
Folowr3 I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.
Folowrs Hail messiah!
Brian	I'm not the messiah, would you please listen. I'm not the messiah, do
	you understand? Honestly!
Folowr4 Only the true messiah denies his divinity.
Brian	What? Well what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the
	messiah.
Folowrs He IS! He IS the messiah!
--------[They prostrate themselves in front of him.]
Brian	Now fuck off!
Folowr3 How shall we fuck off oh lord?
Brian	Oh just go away. Leave me alone.
Hermit	You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody 
	foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my
	juniper bushes.
Brian	Oh, lay off.
Folowr3 This is the messiah. The chosen one.
Hermit	No he's not.
Brian	Aaaagh!
Folowr3 An un-believer!
Folowrs An un-believer!
Folowr3 Persecute! Kill the heretic!
--------[They pick him up {Hey babe... what's your sign?} and carry him off.]
Folowrs Kill! Kill him! [etc...]
Brian	Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down.
	Please.
--------[One person is left behind.]
Judith	Brian?
Brian	Judith??



--------[The next day dawns over Jerusalem.]
Cock?!? Cock-a-doodle doo.
--------[Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself
	 and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to
	 take a good deep breath of fresh air.]
Crowd	LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN!
--------[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams
	 the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough,
	 his mum starts knocking at the door.]
Brian	Uuuh!
MC	Brian!
--------[He struggles to get dressed, just as MC kicks the door down.]
Brian	Uuuh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. <pant> <pant> Oooh. <pant> <pant>. Ah.
MC	Brian!
Brian	Hang on mother. Sssh.
--------[MC does her super-hero impression.]
	Hello mother.
MC	Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out
	there? 
Brian	Oh, uh. I... well, I uh...
MC	Come on. What have you been up to, my lad?
Brian	Well, I think they must have popped by for something.
MC	Popped by? Swarmed by more like. There's a multitude out there.
Brian	Um. They, they started following me yesterday.
MC	Well they can stop following you right now!
	[She walks over to the window, and addresses the crowd outside.]
	Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Crowd	THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH!
MC	The who?
Crowd	THE MESSIAH.
MC	There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah.
	Now go away.
Crowd	BRIAN! BRIAN!
MC	Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
Brian	Nothing mum, uh...
--------[She starts backing him ino a corner.]
MC	Come on. Out with it.
Brian	They think I'm the messiah, mum.
--------[<Whap>]
MC	Now what have you been telling them?
Brian	Nothing, I only...
MC	You're only making it worse for yourself.
Brian	Look, I can explain...
--------[She hits him again.]
Judith	No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen! 
--------[MC turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her,
	 apparently about to explain everything to her. {I'm sure she feel a 
	 whole lot more comfortable about it all now.!}]
	Your son is a born leader. those people out there are following him
	because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give
	them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future.
MC	<		      >!!!!!!!!
	Who's THAT?
Brian	Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah!
--------[As Brian gets hit again, Judih runs over to protect him. {I love
	 that bit of the film *:) }]
MC	Oooooooh!
	[She goes over to the window.]
Crowd	THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE 
	MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH.
MC	Now you listen here. He's not he messiah, he's a very naughty boy! 
	now go away.
Crowd	WHO ARE YOU?
MC	I'm his mother, that's who.
Crowd	BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE MOTHER OF BRIAN.
	BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!!
MC	Aaaaahw. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not
	coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off!
Crowd	NO!
MC	Did you hear what I said?
Crowd	YES!
MC	Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?
Crowd	YES!
MC	Aaaaw, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not
	one second more. Do you understand?
Crowd	Yes.
MC	Promise?
Crowd	Well, All Right.
MC	All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
Brian	But mum. Judith.
MC	Now leave that welsh tart alone.
--------[She drags him out to address the crowd.]
Brian	But I don't really want to, mum.
Crowd	BRIAN. BRIAN <etc...>
Brian	Good Morning.
Crowd	A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING!
Brian	No, No. please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to
	say.
Crowd	TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM.
Brian	Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't Need to follow me. You don't
	Need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're
	all individuals.
Crowd	YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!
Brian	You're all different.
Crowd	YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
Folowr5 I'm not.
Crowd	Ssssh. Sssh.
Brian	You've all got to work it our for yourselves.
Crowd	YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES.
Brian	Exactly.
Crowd	TELL US MORE!
Brian	No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
--------[MC comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.]
	Otherwise... ow! no!
MC	Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough.
Crowd	OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE.
MC	Oh yes it was.
Crowd	OH NO IT WASN'T!
MC	Now stop that, and go away.
Folowr	Excuse me.
MC	Yes?
Folowr	Are you a virgin?
MC	I Beg your pardon?!?
Folowr	Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? 
MC	If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? 
	Now piss off!
Folowr	She is.
Crowd	Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely...

				 
--------[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick 
	 people (Sickos, SikMen, SikWomn ) in the next room. A Manager is
	 also waiting for him.]
Sickos	<gasp>!
Manager Morning, Saviour.
--------[As he manager leads him through the room, various people approach
	 him.]
SikWomn Lay your hands on here, quick.
SikMan1 Now don't jostle the chosen one, please.   
SikBaby Waaah!
Manager Don't push that baby in the saviour's face, you'll have 'till later.
Jew	I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache.
Manager You'll have to wait I'm afraid.
Jew	It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.
Manager Look, the lepers are queueing.
SikMan2 Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God.
Manager Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount
	on sunday.
MountMn Hello.
SikMan3 Don't push!
--------[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from
	 all the hassle.]
Manager And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and 
	keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll 
	just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up
	against that wall, will you? 


--------[Judith come out and enthusiasticly joins him.]
Judith	Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!
Brian	[Proudly] You weren't s bad yourself.
Judith	No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.
Brian	What? Oh, that. Was it?
Judith	We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating 
	us for too long.
Brian	Well, yes.
Judith	It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
Brian	You're... very attractive.
Judith	It's Our revolution. We can all do it together.
Brian	I think, I think...
Judith	We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands.
Brian	What? No, that's not what I meant at all...
--------[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.]
Cntrian You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.
--------[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously 
	 attacks the centurian.]
	Stop that.


--------[Brian is brought back to Pilates palace.]
--------{In this scene, the Centurian's true self is revealed. I LOVE HIM!!!}
Pilate	Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.
Brian	[Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [<Whap>] Aaaaah.
Pilate	This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any 
	cwucifixions today?
Guard	'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, passover sir.
Pilate	Wight. Now we have a hundred and fourty. Nice wound number, eh 
	Bigus?
--------[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he Does.]
Bigus	Hmm.
--------[The Centurian walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather
	 restless crowd.]
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Pilate	Hail.
Cntrian The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to 
	disperse them please.
Pilate	Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.
Cntrian Ah, no, I know sir, but..
Pilate	My addwess is one of the high points of the passover. My fwiend, 
	Bigus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it.
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Bigus	Hail Theather.
Cntrian You're not...
	Ah, you're not eh, tinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir?
Pilate	Give it a miss?
Cntrian Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
Pilate	Weally, centurian. I'm surprised to hear a man like you wattled by a 
	wabble of wowdy webels.
Cntrian {He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.}
	Ahh bit thundery, sir.
Pilate	Take him away.
Brian	I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly.
Pilate	And cwucify him well. Bigus.
Cntrian Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir.
Pilate	Out of the way, centurian.
Bigus	Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if 
	there ith a thudden crithith.
--------[A look of dispair comes over the centurian's face. He rushes to
	 their aid.]

		    
--------[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.]
Reg	Right, now, eh. item four: attainment of world supremacy within the 
	next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
Francis Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings,  I think five 
	years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the 
	next twelve months. 
Reg	Twelve months?
Francis Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the 
	big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking  
	about it.							    
PFJ	Hear Hear!!!
Loretta I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
PFJ	Hear Hear!!!
Reg	You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing
	resolution, making clever speaches, it's not going to shift one Roman
	soldier.
Francis So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, 
	and it's getting us nowhere.
PFJ	Right.
Loretta I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
--------[Judith runs in, paniced.] 
Judith	They've arrested Brian!!
PFJ	What?
Judith	They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him.
Reg	Right. This calls for immediate discussion.
Judith	What?!?
Rebel1	Immediate.
Rebel2	Right.
Loretta New motion?
Reg	Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate 
	action,
Francis ... ah, once the vote has been taken.
Reg	Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a 
	resolution 'till you've voted on it. 
Judith	Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please!
Reg	Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the ligh of fresh information 
	from ah, sibling Judith.
Loretta [Who's taking notes.] Ah, not so fast, Reg.
Judith	Reg, For God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is 
	to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him
	up. It's happening, Reg. Something's actually happening, Reg. Can't 
	you understand? Aaawoooooo!!!!!
	[She rushes out in a rage.]
Francis Ooh. Ooh dear.
Reg	Hello... and a litle ego-trip for the feminists.
Loretta What?
Reg	Ah, oh, sorry, loretta. Aah. Aah, read that back, would you?

				   
--------[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up
	 to them.]
Roman	Next. Crucifixion?
Prisnr1 Yes.
Roman	Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. 
	Crucifixion?
Prisnr2 Yes.
Roman	Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next.
	Crucifixion?
Trouble Eh? No, freedom.
Roman	What?
Trouble Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go
	free and live on an island somewhere.
Roman	Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.
Trouble Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
Roman	Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door...
Trouble Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the 
	left.
Roman	Line on the left, yes. Thank you.
	Crucifixion?
Prisnr3 Yes.
Roman	Good.



--------[A fanfare welcomes Pilate.]
Crowd	YAY! YAY! <etc.>
Pilate	People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.
Crwod	wahaha.
Pilate	To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a 
	wongdower fwom ow pwisons. 
Crowd	Hahahaha.
Sentry	<snigger>
--------[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.]
Pilate	Whom would you have me welease?
Man	Welease Woger!
Crowd	Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha.
Pilate	Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!
Crowd	Yay. Yay.
Cntrian Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.
Pilate	What?
Cntrian Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Pilate	Ah. We have no Woger.
Crowd	Aaaaaah.
Man	Well what about Wodewic then.
Crowd	Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC!  
Pilate	Centurain. Why do they titter so?
Cntrian Just some, uh, jewish joke, sir.
Pilate	Are they... swagging me?
Cntrian Oh, no, sir!
Sentry	<snigger!>
Pilate	Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic!
Crowd	Waaahahahaha.
Cntrian Sir, we don't have a Roderic either.
Pilate	No Woger, no Wodewic.
Cntrian Sorry, sir.
Pilate	Who is the Wog...
	Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer?
Man1	He's a wobber.
Crowd	Ahhhhahahah.
Man2	... and a wapist.
Crowd	Ahahahhahah!
Woman	... and a pickpocket!
Crowd	Aaah no. ssssssh.
Pilate	He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Cntrian We haven't got him, sir.
Pilate	Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?
Cntrian Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.
Pilate	Samson?
Cntrian Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. 
	Ah, several sadicious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty seven seers 
	from...
Bigus	Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth.
Cntrian Oh, no.
Pilate	Ah. Good idea, Bigus.
Bigus	Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the  Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the
	Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea...


--------[Back in the prisons.]
--------{OK. So I've been totally accurate so far... NOT for Jailer2!!!}
Roman	Next. Ah. Crucifixion?
Prisnr4 Yes.
Roman	Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
Brian	Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
Roman	Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through?	 
Jailer1 What?
Roman	Uh... how many have come through?
Jailer1 What?
Jailer2 Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a
	bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's 
	deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir.
Roman	Eh... How Many Have Come Through??!!
Jailer1 Hhhih hih hih nyih nyih nyih.
Roman	Oh dear.
Jailer2 I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety 
	six, sir.
Roman	It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
Jailer2 N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-crrrr
	crrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir.
Roman	I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very 
	nasty.
Jailer2 Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just 
	thought up, sir.
Roman	No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion.
Brian	Is there someone I can speak to?
Roman	Well...
Jailer1 I know where to get it, if you want it.
Roman	What?
Jailer2 Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and
	Mmmmmmmmmad, sir.
Roman	Well how did he get the job?
Jailer2 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Jailer1 Hihih.
Trouble Get a move on, Bignose. There's people waiting to be crucified out 
	here. Hehehehehehehe.
Brian	Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Roman	Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
Brian	No, but I'm a Roman.
Trouble How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time.
--------[Another centurian (Cent2) stands outside guarding the prisoners.]
Cent2	Shut up, you.
Trouble Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humour. Oooh.
Roman	I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left.
	One cross each. Now...


Crowd	AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Bigus	Wath it thomething I thaid?
Pilate	Silence! This man commands the cwack legions!
Crowd	___WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___
Pilate	He wanks as high as any in Wome!!!
Crowd	___AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___



--------[Outside the prisons, the Roman addresses the crucifees-to-be.]
Roman	Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through
	the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight 
	line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good 
	steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your 
	backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.
Prisnr1 Ooooooh.
Roman	Heh. All right, centurian.
Cent2	Crucifixion Party! 
--------[Some of them stumble forward.]
	Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward!
--------[The start moving, slowly. We can see the Prisonr who Brian was
	 locked up with earlier hanging upside-down... but at least he has a
	 view out a grate.]
Prisonr You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
--------[A man seeling candle-crosses pitys the poor bastards. I call him a
	 Christian (Cristin) because he is sooooo nice, and suffers *:) ]
Cristin Let me shoulder your burden, brother.
	[He takes the cross.]
PrisnrX Oh, thank you.
Cristin H-hey!
Cent2	[To the christian, who's turning around to watch PrisntX run off.]
	OI! What do you think you're doing?
Cristin Ah, i-it's not my cross.
Cent2	Shut up, and get on with it!
Trouble Aaahahahahahahaha. He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach 
	you a lesson. Ooohoohoo.


Pilate	All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear
	no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers.
Bigus	No Thpenther Trathies.
Pilate	... or we shall welease no-one.
Judith	Release Brian!!
Man1	Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN!
Crowd	WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!
Pilate	Vewwy well. That's it.
Cntrian Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir.
Pilate	What?
Cntrian You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
Pilate	Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. 
	Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
Cntrian Yes sir. Yes sir.
Pilate	Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!!


Cent2	Get a move on there.
Trouble Or what?
Cent2	Or you'll be in trouble!
Trouble Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the 
	afternoons?
Cent2	Shut up!
Trouble That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do!
	[Cent2 whips him.]
	Oh, thank you.


--------[The Centurain has run down to the prison.]
Cntrian Have they gone?
Jailer1 We. We've got lumps of it round the back.
Cntrian What?
Jailer2 Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's m...<etc>... he's mad, 
	sir.
Cntrian Have they gone?!?!
Jailer2 Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. N. N. N.
Jailer1 Hehehe.
Jailer2 N. ny. ny...
Cntrian Oh, come on!
Jailer2 NnnYes, sir.
--------[The Centurian leaves.]
	Anyway. Get on with the story.
Jailer1 Well, it's his favourite item, you know, he's...


--------[At the PF HQ.]
Reg	Right. That's the motion to get on with it passed with uh, one 
	abstention. I now propose we go without further ado. May I have a 
	second, therefore? Yeah.
--------[They go.]

		  
--------[Brian can see the crosses that are already up.]


--------[The centurian runs through the streets.]
Trader	Bloody Romans!
Cntrian Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.



--------[The prisoners are now being strung up.]
Cent2	Up you go, Bignose!
Bignose I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Cent2	Oh yeah?
Bignose Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Cent2	No?
Bignose I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Cent2	Shut up, you jewish turd.
Bignose Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not jewish... I'm a Samaritan.
Jew	A samaritan? This is supposed to be a jewish section.
Cent2	It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two.
Jew	It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us,
	doesn't it darling?
JewWife Oh, rather.
Jew	Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be 
	crucified in a purely jewish area.
Sarsean Sarrisea separate to Saggisea.
WelshMn And swedish separate to welsh!
Victims Yeah... <blabber> <blabber>...
Cent2	All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all
	those who don't want to be crucified here.
--------[Since they can't move their arms. *:) .]
--------{Nice one centurian, like it, like it.}
	Right. NEXT!


Cristin Ah, look, it's not my cross.
Cent2	What?
Cristin Um. I's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone.
Cent2	Just lie down. I haven't got all day.
Cristin No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss...
Cent2	Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and fourty of you lot 
	to get up.
Jew	Is HE jewish?
Cent2	Will you be quiet!
Jew	We don't want any more Samaritans around here.
Cent2	BELT UP!
Cristin Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back?
Cent2	Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next.
Brian	You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.
Cent2	I like orders.	


--------[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the
	 streets.]		      

Trouble See. Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued then, are you?
Brian	It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Trouble Ooh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots
	of people get rescued.
Brian	Aaah?
Trouble Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail
	for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down
	like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhu.
--------[The PFJ arrive.] 
	Hello. Your family arrived then?
Brian	Reg.
Reg	Hello, sibling Brian.
Brian	Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg	Aaah, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian that in all 
	fairness we are not in fact the rescue commitee, however I have been 
	asked to read the following prepared satement on behalf of the 
	movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end 
	brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly 
	greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
Brian	WHAT?!?!?!?!
Reg	Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to 
	liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist 
	aggressors excluding those concerned with drainage, medecine, roads, 
	housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to
	the welfare of jews of both sexes, and hermaphrodites. Signed on 
	behalf of the PFJ etc.
	And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for
	what you are doing for us Brian. And what must be, after all, for 
	you, a very difficult time.
Brian	Reg! What are you going to do?
Reg	Goodbye Brian, and thanks.
--------[They start walking away.]
Francis Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
Loretta Terrific work, Brian.
--------[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.]
Rebel	Yeah, all right.
REG	Yeah. And...		 
PFJ	For he's a jolly good fellow,
	For he's a jolly good fellow,
	For he's a jolly good fellow,
	And so say all of us.
Loretta ... and so say all of...
--------[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.]
Brian	You bastards! You bastards!
Cntrian Where is Brian of Nazareth?
--------[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.] 
Brian	You sanctimonious bastards.
Cntrian I have on order for his release.
Brian	You stupid bastards!
Trouble Uh. I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian	WHAT?!?
Trouble Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Cntrian Take him down.
Brian	I'M Brian of Nazareth.
Victim1 I'm Brian.
Bignose I'm Brian.
Victim2 I'm Brian.
Brian	I'm Brian.
Various I'm Brian.
Jew	I'm Brian and so's my wife.
Victims ...I'm Brian... <etc.>
Cntrian All right. Take him away, and release him.
--------[He gets taken down, and carried off.]
Trouble Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No, 
	leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's A Joke! I'm not him,
	I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!...
--------[A groups of oriental-looking warriors come over a hill.]
Worker1 Uuuuh. The Judean People's Front!!!
Worker2 The Judean People's Front!!!
JPFHead Forward all!!!
Worker3 No! The Judean People's Front!!! Help!
--------[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.]
JPFHead We are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad!
	Attack!!!
--------[They all cerimonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their
	 armour, and proceed to kill themselves.]
JPFHead Ggggg. That showed 'em, huh?
Brian	You silly sods.
--------[Enter Judith.]
Judith	Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!
Brian	Judith!
Judith	Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great 
	what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll. I'll never forget you.
--------[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our
	 screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!!!]
MC	So there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To
	think of all the love, and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if 
	that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her
	life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might
	have known...
Brian	{I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum!
MC	<mumble> <mumble> ...I don't know what the world's coming to...

Singer	Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
	Some things in life are bad,
	They can really make you mad.
	Other things just make you swear and curse.
	When you're chewing on life's grissle,
	Don't grumble, give a whistle.
	And this'll help things turn out for the best, 
	And...

	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
	Always look on the light side of life <whistling>
			    
	If life seems jolly rotten,
	There's something you've forgotten,
	And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing.
	When you're feeling in the dumps, 
	Don't be silly chumps,
	Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing.
	And...
	
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(Come on!)
	Always look on the right side of life <whistling>

	For life is quite absurd,
	And death's the final word.
	You must always face the curtain wih a bow.
	Forget about your sin,
	Give the audience a grin.
	Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow,
	So...

	Always look on the bright side of death <whistling>
	Just before you draw your termnal breath. <whistling>

	Life's a piece of shit,
	When you look at it.
	Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true.
	You'll see it's all a show,
	Keep 'em laughing as you go,
	Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
	And...

	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
	Always look on the right side of life <whistling>
		(Come on, Brian... cheer up.)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(Worse things ahppen at sea, you know.)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from 
		 nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? 
		 Nothing!)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say.
		 Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(There you are. See. It's the end of the film.
		 Incidently this record's available in the foyer.)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(Some of us have got to live as well you know.
		 Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?)
	Always look on the bright side of life <whistling>
		(They'll never make their money back, you know.)
		(I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never 
		 make their money back.)
	Always look on the bright side of life!



------(Jesus saves by clipping coupouns -- so should you)-----

-- 
"All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in
some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense,
false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in
some sense." -- _Principia_Discordia_ -- the Book of the Church of Eris (Chaos)

-- 
________________________________________________________________________
    Martin Sluka \UseNet: fany@fons.nbg.sub.org/ This is the end  |  the
Breite Strasse 3 \\ MausNet: Martin Sluka @ N // Beautiful friend |DOORS
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