From: zaidioa@HYDRA.ROSE-HULMAN.EDU (Omar A. Zaidi)
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Reply-To: zaidioa@HYDRA.ROSE-HULMAN.EDU
Organization: Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology
Distribution: world,soc
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 18:42:53 GMT

>>The question is this.  Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
>>try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
>>that you may start one with her/him?  Under what circumstances?  How about
>>pursuing someone who's engaged?  Where do you all draw the line?  If it isn't
>>O.K., would you still do it anyway?
>
>>Jeff
>
>I"m not gonna give you moral judgements or damnation.  Just practical
>advice.  As one who has been on both sides of the fence in this issue,
>I can only say the following to help you make up your mind:
>(I'm talking from a male view here, but it is applicable to women in
> this dilemma as well.)
>
>1)  Live by the sword, die by the sword./What goes around, comes around.
>
>   If you do break up, there is a good chance you will break up the way you 
>   meet.  Look at the way she currently talks about her "jerk boyfriend".
>   There's a good chance that YOU will be the "jerk boyfriend" in the
>   future... 
>   - Did she go for you because there were problems with her boyfriend
>     and she couldn't tell him about it?  If so, there will be a good chance
>     that should you two ever get into an argument, she will not be able to
>     tell you about it, but will tell it to another guy who is willing to
>     listen to her problems because he wants to win her away from you.
>   - If she says that she wants to go out/sleep with you because she's not
>     her current boyfriend's property, then what makes you think that she
>     won't say the same thing with some other guy when you two are going
>     out together?
>   - If she promises you that you are special, and that she would never
>     cheat on you the way she did on him, well what evidence do you
>     have?  Would you invite a convicted molester to be your babysitter,
>     if he told you, "I promise, I"ll never do that again..."? 

A female friend once told me
	"Never trust someone who says "trust me" because they wouldn't tell
	you to trust them if they didn't have something to hide"


As for the assertion that what goes around comes around, well, I haven't
seen a case yet where that wasn't true. People don't change overnight and
usually YOU trying to change THEM never works. Changes only happen if 
the other person wants to change themselves.  Also, anyone who is in a
relationship with a "undesirable" and not getting out of it IMO is trouble
because you never know what is going to happen to you if you become the
next RP in line... If she/he is saying things about their RP behind his/her
back, then what makes you believe that you won't be privvy to the same
treatment behind your own back???? 

I've seen it happen and it's happened to me a few times, the last time I
lost 3 friends, and was badly disillusioned for months afterward... just
be VERY careful... 
>
>2)  Wanting is better than having.
>  
>   I got this from Star Trek  :-)  (Spock said something to this extent).
>   It's very flattering to have someone who is attached to want you.
>   For guys, it's kinda like winning a "competition".  (yes, this is
>   sexist, but I'm telling it the way it is; I don't necessarily agree
>   with this...)  Like you are more desirable than her boyfriend.  It's
>   even more seductive if he is good looking and desirable.  But does it
>   mean that YOUR relationship with her is necessarily sound?
>   -Is your relationship one of you being the healer (listening to her
>    problems) and she being the healee (she tells you her problems)?
>    Anyone can just listen to, and be attractive to a woman (or man) when
>    he/she has problems.  It's damn easy to listen to criticisms about
>    some other guy, and tell her what a jerk he is. However, the real test of a 
>    relationship comes when you two have your own problems.  It's a bit harder
>    to listen to criticisms about you. 
>   -Does she want you for you, or as a means to escape from a bad relationship?
>    Is she the type that does not like to be alone no matter what, and
>    plans to use you as a safety net, so that she won't be alone when she
>    breaks up with her current SO?  Then, when her crisis period has passed,
>    and you've outlived your usefulness, well the whole cycle starts again
>    with some other guy ("oh, my boyfriend never does THAT for me...")
>   -Does she only want a "rebound" relationship?  If in doubt, let her break 
>    up first, then wait a few months before you get serious.  If she's unwilling
>    to break up with her boyfriend unless you two get serious first, then
>    you're probably just a safety net/security blanket, and it's best to run 
>    away as fast as possible.  
>   -Do you want her because you think that you are much better for her
>    than her current boyfriend? (a very common thought)  Maybe one is right, 
>    and maybe not, but there is an element of paternalism in this kind of 
>    thinking.  You are saying that you know what is good for her, and that
>    is YOU.  However, women who cheat around are the type who love/hate paternal
>    control freaks in the first place.  She might even get mad, and go back
>    to her previous ex-boyfriend if she thinks that you're trying to control
>    her.
>   -Don't get attracted to people because they need your help, and you
>    think you can change them.  Leave that to the psychiatrists.
> 
>Other than that, you are free to make your own choice, if you are perfectly
>willing to live with and be responsible the consequences.  I leave the
>morality up to you...  Just remember that you must be very careful, as
>human emotions are much more vulnerable than you think...


	One of my mottos: "Don't give up on your dreams for something
	you want at the moment because acheiving your dreams will provide
	more satisfaction then happiniess which stems from getting something
	on the spur of the moment"




The Texas Sax Player

Omar Zaidi

zaidioa@rosevc.rose-hulman.edu
Newsgroups: alt.romance