Organization: Penn State University
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 22:46:26 EDT
From: <SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Adults saying NO and other things
 <1992Sep1.022158.8469@wam.umd.edu>


Hello all.

I've been trying and trying to post a message, but the computer keeps eating
it- argh!!! Most of the problems are because I haven't figured out the
system at Penn State yet (I finally got my new account, and my address is
scg107@psuvm.psu.edu in case anybody cares.) So let me just try this one
more time...

I wanted to add my two cents to the discussion on "saying no," prompted by
something Ed Carp said earlier. Unfortunately, I can't seem to figure out
how to include his post in mine. Aren't computers wonderful?? Anyway, Ed
said something about survivors not being able to communicate "openly and
honestly" with their partners, and this having some aspect of selfishness.
(Hopefully I got that at least close to right- if not I apologize in advance.)
I can tell you exactly why I can't say no, of even express how I'm feeling.
Some part of me KNOWS that if I say no then something terrible will happen-
I just can't do it. My partner has told me that it is okay to say no, but I
still can't. Even if he specifically asks me if I'm okay with whatever we
are doing, I often can't answer truthfully. Before this summer (when I started
to realize that what happened to me was abuse and how it has affected me) I
had never said no to him- I don't think it even occurred to me that I
could. Even now, it is almost impossible for me to say it.

Something sort of related that occurred to me recently is that before this
summer, I had never had even a reasonably close friendship with a male my
own age without some physically sexual element. Even starting with the little
boy I used to play with in first grade. (And even the friends I have now
mostly fall into that category.) I never learned to say no, apparently,
and my cousin't actions when I was 12 just served to reinforce that.

Earlier this week there was a list in the newspaper of the therapy groups
meeting on campus this semester. Sure enough, there was one for sexual
abuse survivors. So I mustered all my courage and stared at the phone for
a while, and then finally managed to call and ask about it.
I explained what I was calling about to the woman who answered the phone,
and first she told me I would have to come in and fill out a huge pile of
paperwork. Then she decided that she wasn't the person I should talk to and
put me on hold while she went looking for someone else. So the second woman
came on the line, and I had to explain again why I called (ofter barely
being able to do it the first time) and she told me she didn't know what
group I was talking about. "Are you actually looking at the listing??" (I
was.) She finally figured it out and then discovered that the group was
already full (I called only a few hours after the list was published.) "If you
call back after Sept. 8 there might be an opening, or I could connect you
to someone else." By then I just wanted off the phone. Aren't these people
supposed to be a little more understanding and helpful??

I'm glad I have a place to ramble about these kinds of things. Most of the
time I try really hard to keep anyone from knowing this stuff. Almost as if
there are two of me- the capable one who doesn't have any problems, and the
other one, who gets hidden in a closet when company comes. Even the people
who ought to know, especially my SO, almost never see the second part. I try
very hard to keep it hidden.

I should stop babbling now, but thanks for listening.

Sarah
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery