From: raw
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: how to get to root of strange behavior
Date: 14 Dec 92 21:36:00 GMT
Organization: Concordia University
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

hello out there,
i hope someone can suggest how to patch up a relationship:

i have been pals off-and-on for 4 years with this guy.  we have a 
relationship that is not 100% satisfying to me.  it has been a couple of 
years since we have been on a "real date" (defined for myself as going out 
to dinner somewhere nicer than a fast-food joint plus pre-planned entertainment 
that does not involve walking the streets or removing clothing).

he claims to be broke, but can afford to change addresses at least once a 
year and to drive a car.  i am supposed to be his girlfriend, but i very 
rarely see him (the last occasion was in may).  the latest bone of 
contention has been whether he would pick me up after night school.  after 
much hemming and hawing and claiming not to know when and where my classes 
are, the reason has come out that he has no time to do so -- but he has 
plenty of time to hold down 3 (at last count) jobs plus night classes of 
his own, plus whatever i don't know about.

for over a year, he has claimed to have no telephone, because he ran up a 
huge long-distance bill and the phone co. cut his line.  if i wanted to talk 
to him, i either had to wait for him to call me (perhaps once a month 
lately) or call his (male) "friend" and leave a message.  often these 
messages would not be passed along, or he would get them too late.  
occasionally a girl would answer (supposedly the friend's girlfriend), who 
was always very reluctant to take a message (particularly annoying when 
you've lost your quarter in the pay phone).  one time, i called this 
friend, a woman answered the phone (not the one just mentioned) and she 
hung up as soon as she heard my voice.  i was later told by my "boyfriend" 
that this was his friend's mother, who did not speak english.

whenever i would ask if he had a number yet, my boyfriend would respond 
"when you pay the bill" -- which i had no hand in running up to over $1000.

the new telephone books came out at the beginning of the month, and i was 
genuinely surprised to see a listing for my boyfriend.  i called the 
number, and left a message on the machine that picked up -- with his voice! 
when i did not hear from him, i phoned again that night.  he did not 
recognize my voice, and he was quite annoyed that i had called him.
he has been very angry with me since then, refusing to answer my messages 
or to talk to me when i do reach him.  his new (male) roommate has given me 
one of his work numbers, but it is very noisy and hard to hear him, plus i 
don't like to disturb him at work -- i wouldn't want him calling me at my 
office.

he claims not to have a girlfriend other than me (and from our last "real" 
conversation two weeks ago, i don't think he regards me that way anymore), 
and the roommates/message-takers i have 
spoken to over the years will not tell me anything about him.  we have no 
mutual friends, so i can't pump them for info either.  i have asked him 
point-blank if he is in trouble with the law or immigration (he claims to 
be a refugee) and he denies both.

one more comment:  he's black, i'm white.  it matters not to us, but my 
mother has plenty to say about it.  we cannot talk for longer than 5 
minutes on the phone at home without hearing my mother screaming racial 
insults and trying to cut the connection.

i know what you're all gearing up to say:  DUMP HIM!  but if i do, i will 
have no one again, and i don't think i can cope with that right now.  too 
much is going wrong in my life, and i want to be happy.  i have left out 
some details for brevity's and clarity's sake.

here are my questions.  pls e-mail if possible, otherwise posting is ok (it 
may help someone else):

-- How can i LEGALLY AND CHEAPLY check up on this guy?  (so far, his only 
crime against me is breaking my heart and messing up my life.  contrary to 
what my "friend" 
thinks, i am not rich, even though my salary is higher than his.)

-- How can i make him stop treating me like crap, without compromising my 
beliefs and values?  (ie. not by sleeping with him, living together/getting 
married)

-- How do i ask him to take me out on a date, but make sure he pays, the 
way a gentleman should?  (common protocol seems to dictate that whoever 
does the asking does the paying.  however, if i pay the way one time i will 
be expected to pay ALL the time, and that's not right.)

please forgive such a long message, but i need help.  this is my first 
boyfriend, and he did treat me halfway decently at one point.  i have given 
him umpteen second chances -- why can't i get one, or at least a decent 
goodbye?

rosemary
Newsgroups: soc.couples