From: anonasar@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: chutes and ladders, PT 2
Date: 30 Sep 92 10:37:57 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.5


aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat) writes:
> 
> get myself together enough to do so. So I'm just going to bitch at the world
> instead of trying to help anybody.

Good idea, there's a time for everything...

> 
> You don't have to listen.

disclaimer noted and appreciated :)

> 
> So last Friday, my SO pushes me to be physical. He's joking, I'm "joking", but
> I figure he's damn aware of what he's doing and will stop. He doesn't. Finally
> I NEED him to stop before I lose it. I get serious and command him to get off
> me NOW. He starts moping at my nasty tone of voice. I start beating myself
> with what a "normal" woman would do and go downhill. Four days later, I decide
              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
                             Meaning no disrespect, I have NEVER heard anyone
give me a satisfactory definition of "normal"! [This is NOT directed at ANNE
or anyone else, just a humble observation], "normal" is a statistical
distribution, that is ALL.  My point?  There really is no reason to say that
something you do is other than "normal". Anne, you did what you needed to do,
you tried to stop him and leave him his self-respect and not hurt him, but
YOU can only do so much, HE has to cooperate, HE didn't.  I don't see what
else you COULD have done.

> to talk to him,
> tell him how upset I've been. Tell him I've been beating myself. Tell him I'm
> angry with him - he should've known to stop and then he never even apologized.

Interesting, if I upset someone that I was supposed to be "significant" to, I
would not only apologise, but I would definitely show some concern...

> Not even, "Ooops I thought you realized I was just kidding". And then he
> tells me, "I did it intentionally." Major mind-blow. He says he was testing

No JOKE !

> me. He wanted to see that I was strong enough to say no. (Yet as soon as it's

Testing you?  I find that hard to swallow, in Psychology they do not allow these
kinds of tests, in an SO I find that down-right contemptable.

> over he causes me to berate myself for my action...)Says he would've been 
> angrier if I'd given in. Why the hell would someone I love and trust who

*HE'd* be angrier if....  I must protest! what about what he did to YOU?

> supposedly loves and trusts me put me in a no-win situation simply to perform
> an experiment?!?!?!?!?! Gads, this sounds familiar.....And I wonder why I'm

I can't think of any reason...  My guess is that he really didn't care for
you or else he REALLY has some stuff to work out (better if not with you, IMHO)

> upset. So I decided he just didn't realize how big the emotions were he was
> playing with and tell him to NEVER do it again. And figure everything will
> be all better.

Based on what you wrote so far, I don't think that this would do one DAMN
bit of good.

> 
	[ Bradywine's experience deleted ]

> We just know she couldn't say no yet. Well, I surprise myself and say "no",
> and the outcome consequently is that I wasn't sexually abused by my SO (he
> claims that had I given in, nothing would have happened) and everyone thinks

Based on everything you have said so far, YEAH, RIGHT... Wanna' buy a bridge? :)

> it's great that I went back to him. Would someone PLEASE tell me the
> difference? 
> 
> trust him. I don't WANT to trust him. WHY DO ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE HAVE TO
> HURT ME???? HE SEEMED LIKE AN ANGEL AND HE STILL HURT ME!!!! 

It takes time to really know someone and what they are about.  And, from
experience, that can change too. Perhaps you have just found ones that SEEM
to be what you are looking for, I don't know.  I do hope things get better.

> 
> Fortunately, I'm not so far off base to still think I deserve this shit. I'm

GOOD FOR YOU!

> better alone than with men who will hurt me. But I don't know WHY he did
> this. I don't know if that matters: I always say,"I don't want your
> justifications. You obviously had reasons for doing what you did. If hurting
> me was necessary, you knew it to be so, and you acted as you did. Face the
> consequences of your action." So why do I care why he did it? I have this
> awful idea that he feels he's gotten away with something...

I don't think so.  He got away with NOTHING.  You stopped him and not only that
you found out more about him (perhaps not what you wanted, but you found it 
none-the-less).

> 
> Let's face it. I feel betrayed. Again.

and I can see why.  I feel that you were betrayed(IMHO).
> 
> shit. And it was just going so good.


Hang in there...Hugs if you want them.

Taylor
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