From: ftlao@acad3.alaska.edu (OSSANDER LINDA A)
Subject: Re: Coming Out
Organization: University of Alaska Computer Network
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 04:32:44 GMT

In article <1992Sep1.213049.2227@sei.cmu.edu>, aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat) writes...
>I feel like I'm coming out of the closet. I guess in a way I am. I've
>made it through everything alone, but reading your trials made me want to
>actively participate in all of this. So I'm even using my name. (Wow)
> 
>I'll support when I can, but right now, I'm looking for people who've
>dealt with the memories returning. Although I remembered what I thought was
>the worst thing a year ago, something recently triggered more memories. I 
>feel sometimes like I'm trapped in a haunted house and each ghoul that jumps
>out is a memory and each one is worse than the one before. And I can't turn
>around. I have to go back into the hell to retrieve the child that I was that
>still exists there - and save her. If this makes sense to anyone, could you
>let me know?
> 

Yes..It makes alot of sense to me because up until I was 33 I thought I was
crazy because I could not remember my childhood.  Then I started having
flashbacks, Boy I REALLY knew then I was.. Well I called someone who helped me
get in contAct with a womans center here in Fairbanks.  Thank goodness for them
and the people who worked with me.   My story is not a very pretty one..It is
one of child abuse in all its forms...I was molested by my father for starters
and I was emotionally and psyically abused by him as well.



****Spoiler Sexually explicit material  after this header*********************

When I was 5 years old my father put sugar on his penis and told me it was a
lollypop.  Well when my mother came home I told her and she asked my dad who
lied and said no he did not do that.  I then got a beating for being a dirty
lierand lots of other nasty names.

The next time my mother went out my father took out his shootgun and loaded it
all the while pointing it at me. He told me if I ever told anyone again that he
would blow my fucking head off.  I believed him and I never told anyone again,
until I was 33 and remembered.  

I blocked that and everything that happened to me from then until I was about
16-17 years old.  Well when I went into therapy I wanted to know it all right
now..Thank goodness it doesn't all come out at once..Or I would have really
lost it.  I worked very hard at trying to remember what happened and I was in
and out of groups and individuale therapy.

I even went so far as to be a ginniea pig for the jail working with "Sex
Offenders"  and after a while I even worked with "Rapists"
I was so scared that I wanted to die and wet my pants at the same time when I
first stArted to work with these men. But The biggest scare I got was when I
worked with the rapists.  At that time I did not understand and figured I was
just experiancing a normal fear.  Well I was but I was also facing my biggest
nightmare one I have had and still have sometimes even now.." Were I am being
raped by someone and I am withdrawn< I have split from the rape> while the
person raping me keeps say"Fuck fuck fuck" One reason I have insomnia at times.

Anyway I understand why I was so afraid of these men who raped now. I was raped
psycally by my father from the age of about 13-15. He finially stopped when I
chased him with a butcher knife. My mom came in grabbed the knife and slapped
the hell out of me.  Here I was with my clothes half riped off but I think I
would have killed him if she had not stopped me. He never bothered me after
that.

So please do not be in a big hurry to get those memories back..If I had
remembered that in the beginning I would have probably really have lost my
mind.  I have gottren back some of the other memories in between but I think I
may never recover it all and I do not worry about it anymore. I know when and
if I do I have lots of back up to help me deal with it. I have the tools I need
to take care of me.  

I will not say it has been easy but I feel so much more in control of myself
now.  It was very painful at times and still can be at times. I wish you well
on your healing journey.  Don't push it just let it happen.

I will probably not be saying much on here anymore because I feel that alot of
the people here are master manipulators and when people say whAt they want to
hear it is kissy kissy and when people don't it is lets get that dirty dog..
I have watched it happen this summer and it is why I have not responded for a
long time.  I do wish you all well and do not harber any hard feelings...I just
choose to stay away from people like that.. I have a nasty habit ofd saying
what I think damn the problems later.  I have learned to count to ten but I
learned that in kindergarden..


>I also have this logical (i.e. non-emotional) knowledge that I witnessed
>something so awful that it destroyed my brain. I feel myself go insane.
>Evidently I didn't, but I think about 98% of my brain was reduced to
>nothingness and 2% saved it. I also feel certain that I'll have to "see" it
>again and I'm afraid of what it will do to me.
> 
>Does anyone understand how this feels?
> 
>-Anne

Yes Anne I understand perfectly how it feels..
Good luck and above all don't give up!!!!

                       -Linda-
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery