From: chang@assb01
Newsgroups: soc.culture.hongkong
Subject: Acts of love was Re: MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER!!!!
Date: 1 Oct 1992 14:48:42 -0500
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
Reply-To: @adelphi-msc.army.mil:chang@assb01
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.utexas.edu

	Peter, peter, peter.....
	
	I can tell how your heart must ache, but let me try and
explain things in a coherent way (as typically only people not
involved can).  This turned out to quite long, but it is very detailed
and I hope I can help soothe your feelings.  It may seem harsh at
times, but please don't take it that way.  Sometimes what happens and
what you want to happen don't mesh.

----------------------------------------------------------------

	Basically, you made a mistake (tellng her you loved her so
early-- I guess it was unsolicited), and it is unlikely that you will
be able to patch things up.

	From what I've gathered,you really scared her.  Maybe she
liked you too, but "I love you" is a rather serious thing to say to
some people.  Some people say it and hear it all the time without
thinking much of it, to others it is the be all end all.  So, quite
possible she was scared.  She probably thought, "Gee, Peter is really
serious about me.." or something quite similar.  Now, she is probably
a nice girl, so she didn't want to lead you on or have you like her
more than "as a friend".

	The solution to this kind of dilemna is OFTEN manifested as
one of the following behaviors :

-------------------------------------------------------
	1) "make him not like me so he won't be hurt",
	2) "ignore him and maybe he'll get the hint or go away or not like
me anymore",
	3) "RUN!!!!".
------------------------------------------------------

	These behaviors are all similar and to the person who is being
ignored, they come off to be the same thing ---- "Person who used to
be nice to me is totally blowing me off, and I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
WRONG...."

	Needless to say,  the person being ignored typically gets quite
upset.  I know you're no stranger to this phenomenon.

	Unfortunately, the damage to the relationship is probably
permanent.  It has been an escalation of bad feelings.  You feel bad,
she feels worse, you feel even worse because she is uncomfortable..
Your situation was probably something like this.

------------------------------
	1) HER:  "Omigod... he loves me, I don't love him though.  What
do I do?..."

	2) YOU:  "I just poured my heart out to her.  What's up?"

	3) HER:  "God, I've tried to get him to not like me, but it's not
working, he's still trying court me..."

	4) YOU:  "Hmm...  something is definitely up, she's still not talking
to me.  I'll keep trying"

	5) HER:  "The harder I try to make him forget me, the harder he
tries"

	6) YOU:  "Why is she being so difficult...  I just need one chance
to explain how I feel."

	....  ONE YEAR LATER ....

	251) HER: "He's not in my classes anymore and he's still
calling me after all this time."

	252) YOU: "Gee, I'm take the effort to stay in touch with her and
she doesn't even want to talk to me"
------------------------------

	To be realistic, it's now a year later and you're still doing the
same thing.  From what I can gather, you guys were only "nicely acquainted"
for a few months.  So for both of you, you had a few months of good feelings
and say 3/4 a year of bad feelings.  Do you really think it can still work?
I don't want to say it's impossible, but it's unlikely from my uninvolved
point of view.

	Your best bet is to Let Go.  I can tell that you are very taken
with her, but realistically, things cannot work out.  Even if it might,
it's hard to forget 3/4 of a year of bad feelings.  I know this is 
easier for me to say than you to do, but it is what you have to do.  It
will be better for you.  Let Go, but remember these things:

	1)  You did have a good time with her for a few months.  Treasure
that.  Dwell on the good times you had and not being forsaken.  Self pity
does you no good, unless you like misery.

	2) Learn from your mistakes.  Unfortunately, sometimes the 3
words I love you can do a lot of damage when said at the wrong time to
the wrong person.  You have to think about what the other person
thinks and feels (in this case it's a girl, but it goes for both
sexes).

	Picture yourself a shy girl from overseas studying in the U.S.
You meet this guy in class, and spend a little bit of time with him,
he seems nice enough.  Surprise, next semester he's in the same class
with you again.  Well a few weeks into the second semester (Feb 14) he
out of the blue tells you that HE LOVES YOU.  What are you to think,
esp. considering your background.  Now some hip chick from say the San
Fernando Valley would most likely have reacted a bit differently, but
that the way the valley girls are..

	You know what not to do it next time, or to be more careful
about what you say and when you say it.


	3) Put things into proportion.  Let's calculate how long you
were "nice" with her.  Say UMASS starts in early september. So you've
see her in class for 3 months and probably not during XMAS vacation.
Let's assume UMASS starts back up in mid January, well in mid
February, you tell her you love her, so that's 4 disjointed months.
You probably didn't spend the bulk of those 4 months with her, though
you many have thought of her.  But because of rejection, you failed a
class, became rather offensive and lost your job, not to mention have
been miserable for the last year of so.  

	I would assume that you don't have a lot of experience with
girls so you took this rejection too hard.  Even if I met Joey Wong
(one of my two dream girls ... I don't care if people out there think
she is outdated and overrated), was getting somewhere with her and
suddenly blew it, I don't think I would take it as badly as you did.
Admittedly, I would not be too happy..  But then again, I have my
equivalent to this girl, who left me feeling much the way you did
(damaged my GPA, and other stuff) many years ago.  But I learned from it.
--- It did take me more than a year to get over it tho'.

	4) There are more fish in the sea.  Hey there's 1.2 billion
chinese people out there and ~50% are female.  Even if she was the
"right girl", things didn't work out.  There is such a thing as 
meeting the right girl at the wrong time.  Or as some wise man said,
"Sh*t happens..".  Let Go, take care of yourself and  make yourself
the best man you can be for the next girl.

	If you need to let anything out feel free to email me.  No one
likes to have their heart broken.

	Fo