From: tedwards@wam.umd.edu (technopagan priest)
Subject: Re: Sanctity Twist
Organization: University of Maryland at College Park
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 02:07:51 GMT

In article <1992Apr14.211308.10223@javelin.sim.es.com> pashdown@javelin.sim.es.com (Pete Ashdown) writes:
>A girl introduces herself to you and you think the introduction goes bad.  So
>you don't bother to go out with her.  Then you meet again a few months later
>and have a good chat, so you reverse your decision.  You go out, have a great
>time, and are told that it was a great "date" when you drop the girl off at
>her door.  Things progress over time and you find yourself falling deeper than
>ever before.

OK...falling deeper than before...does this mean
1)  You are becomming enthralled by her being
2)  #1 and you know she is also enthralled with your being
3)  real physical events (even as simple as making out) have occurred,
    but they are physical, and you are not sure about one or both sides of #2
4)  #3 and #2

>  You are both amazed.  Then one weekend she needs to take a trip
>to see "someone".  You eventually come to find out that she has been making
>weekly trips to see a boyfriend who she met in the interval between your first
>introduction and your first date.

OK, do they have an "open relationship,"  or are they allowed to see other
people but not get physical with others, or has she been "cheating" on him
(again, the definition depends on the line they have drawn)...

I think you deserve to know this, especially if you too have something
mutual between you too, even if you haven't been acting on it.

The toughie is what can you do...I don't want to seem like and old fogie 
at 22 or anything, but if the two of you share something very special,
and you (and/or her but I think we worked that out already) really need
some kind of commitment to that for the relationship to go any further,
then you're going to have to tell her that.  If she is unwilling, then
obviously the relationship _can't_ go any farther because her still having
her "boyfriend" is going to drive you batty (some people are better at doing
the multiple-SO thing than others...I can't blame her for anything as long
as it was within her agreement with her boyfriend).

Now if you want to stay friendly with her, I'd do the above asking in a very
nice, un-blaming way.  Just tell her what's on your mind, that it is 
difficult for you to continue seeing her when you know you are falling in
love with her, while she still has some serious ties to her boyfriend.
Tell her you are not asking her to break up, because you do care about her
and therefore any relationship she has (really...you do if you have any love
for her...it just seems like you don't :-), but that the relationship is
going to make it impossible for you two to grow together any more.
If she decides her possible relationship with you is of considerably greater
value than breaking up with her boyfriend, then you're in luck.  Probably
not, as any relationship is worth some investment in, even an LD one, and
she'll know how you feel, and pehaps you two can remain friends.

Having just re-entered the dating world, I put myself in your situation
mentally and feel nothing but empathy.  You're truly in a nasty emotional
situation.  But truth, communication, and diplomacy is the only way to
a reasonable solution.  Just keep in mind the part that if you really
love someone, you'll help support her (or his) relationship, because it means
so much to them (unless they are getting beaten brainless or something).

Try to stay friends...they are so hard to come by in this world!

-Tom
 romantic cyberpunk/technopagan
 
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