From: chris@triage.UUCP (Wheres my 650TT2 Ducati)
Subject: ...oh those vile and evil deeds...
Organization: Triage Corp
Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1992 21:56:47 GMT

I used to like the mailman.  Well actually, _she_ was awefully cute.

Just last week I had received a very welcomed telephone call from The
Guru.  We discussed his impending and near future return to full health.
We discussed his latest passions and projects.  I related a beatific
vision I had where he was resting easy upon a higher plane of existance,
contemplating his leg-bag and considering flow rates.  I was on another
plane watering and tending my garden of Ducatis.  Helping them to grow
and remain strong seemed the message of this vision.

It was with this mindset that I reached, ever so innocently, into my
mailbox yesterday eve.  Gently I retrieved the contents of that little cave
and laid to rest upon my lap the days mail.  After a long and torturous
shift pounding the keyboard, I was looking forward to the comfort of home
and hearth.  Little did I realize, but a sheep dressed as a wolf was
amoungst the the True Fold.

I parked the car and went inside.  It was indeed warm therein.  But a
chilled draft wafted my forearm as I began to puruse the unopened letters.

Suddenly, I froze.  Motionless.  My eyes scanned a horrid sight.  Whatever
could the BMW Motorcycle (sic) Owners of America want with me?  I tore open
the letter and cast my gaze upon the greatest injustices of all mankind!
Someone had enrolled me in the ranks of the Great Unpassionate!!!

Oh, what a vile thing this is!  Oh, what evil person could do such a thing?
I knew of three.

First thing this morning, I called the president of that Band of Fools to
talk at length of the error.  He told me that yes indeed, I was in their
computer system.  I expressed surprise that it was even up and running.
I suggested that their computer system is about a half century old,
even with the Timely Upgrades to hardware and software.  He was delighted
that I should notice and be so knowledgable of their system.

He pointed out that if I had read the entire letter of membership, I
would have seen that I was to receive a copy of The Book.  Therein is contained
the entire listing of people and personages willing to awake and be at the
ready anytime, morning or evening, but not at night or on holidays, to aid
a Brother in need.  I pointed out that the marketing hype had placed the
bmw at the pinnicle of robust longevity and that it seemed rather odd to
require such a system of "aid".  The president was not amused.

It was then that the president learned that I was a Ducati owner.  For
some reason this seemed to strike fear in his heart and he feigned the
need to use the loo.  But before he rang-off, he turned me over to his
secretary.  She spoke with a heavy German accent, but after a few test
sentences, I sync'd up with her and was able to convey the fact I wanted
my "membership" transfered to a REAL motorcycle club.

This set her off.  In a big way.  She proceeded to rile me about the glorious
bmw past and history.  Her story was interesting enough, that I find myself
about to write of it here.

You see, it seems that the bmw motorcycle (sic) clubs around the world formed
shortly after the second world war.  The purpose of their formation was to
hide and cover the fact that it was the, at that time, well known reliability
problems with the bmw heavy machinery that had lost the war for the Germans.
The German Hoch Command couldn't even deliver it's generals to their command
posts on time.  Their sidecar rigs always broke down whilst on route.  The
heavily accented secretary was delighted to note the success of the various
clubs in their appointed mission.

Over the years, the bmw clubs expanded their roles to include helping
brothers and sisters when their mounts would inevitably break.  Also included
as services were the parts exchange programs, awarding and backslapping those
members that managed to reach various insignificant mileages, and informing
members of the latest efforts to engineer passion and fun _out_ of the
newest products.

As you can see, the secretary was spilling her guts.  I was not at all
surprised to hear her drivel.  But there was one thing that did catch me
by surprise.  Back in the mid 1960s, there was a rather large sector of
its membership that couldn't make the first Backslapping Award over the
requisite 10 year period (so bad were their products ability to go the
distance).  Not knowing what else to do, the Obergruppen Farters cast them
from their midst.

Claiming religious repression, the outcast members formed what is now known as
the Moonies.  This seems to fit the recorded course of history.

After being enlightened, I conveyed the fact that NONE of this thrilled me.
In fact, I restated, I wanted to transfer my membership to another club.  She
asked if the Hells Angels would do.  I said yes.  ANYTHING would be better
than _this_!  But she just laughed and said that as to how SOMEONE ELSE had
submitted my name for membership, there was NO way I could leave their
cozy little group.

Besides, she continued, didn't I realize that the bmw motorcycle (sic)
was actually VERY useful to Ducati owners, such as myself, as freighters?
In this capacity, bmw-freighters haul baggage and food in general support of
Ducati's mission.

Shit!

It has been said that the Vatican is tolerant.  And in this light, I should
accept and receive the volumous propaganda that the bmw club puts out.  All
I can say is, reading such things will only provide fodder for the Cannon!

The guys and dolls that did this to me will pay.  And they will Pay again.
Big Time.  They will not know when.  Nor where.  Nor at what hour.  But
revenge WILL be mine!!!  NO ONE hoses my Christmas and gets away with it.

BMW fans, the real wolf within your midst is ME!!!  And I shall NOT hide
under silly and unrequired sheep clothing as I hunt and dwindle your numbers
for my pleasure.

I don't like the mail delivery person anymore.


Christopher Perez - chris@triage.rain.com
The List ->  Ducatis: 650TT2, 500SL, 860GT   Yamaha: RD400F (for sale)


Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles,ba.motorcycles