HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>In article someone
>>Yeah, me too, I came in late for it.  Someone please email it to me.
>>Thanks.
>>
>>Regards,
>>Fred Hawes
>
>What the hell is a "ggbj"? (or should I look at my acronym list?)

Hey!  It's starting again!  This should be in the FAQ list...

The ggbj is the famous (perhaps 'legendary' is more apt =) 
Green GolfBall Joke.  Rumors of the existance of a very offensive
joke (the GGBJ) were started on this very newsgroup about 2 years
ago, and lots of people helped continue the hoax, pretending that
they had copies.  This led to a rash of people posting messages
asking for copies, as well as some amusing stories about how 
certain copies had been encrypted, translated into sanscrit, etc.

Note that there actually *does* exist a particular stupid joke,
which can be modified to include green golf balls, but this is
not the "real" GGBJ (obviously, since there is not "real" GGBJ.)
(This fake joke is about a little kid who, when asked what he
wants for his birthday, says "10 green golf balls", and later, when
he graduates from high school, he wants GGBs for his present, and
when he graduates from college, same thing, and at the end of this
shaggy dog story, he gets hit by a car and dies, and we never find
out why he wanted the green golf balls.  Funny stuff, eh?

dm
From: conklit@prism.CS.ORST.EDU (Troy Conklin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: WANTED -- list of DYSLEXIC JOKES
Date: 5 Oct 92 09:14:41 GMT
Organization: Oregon State University, Computer Science Dept.



How about this one..........


			DYSLEXICS UNTIE!!!



Troy

No .sig is a good .sig
From: jiang@cs.arizona.edu (Howard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Scottish Jokes
Date: 28 Sep 92 04:42:06 GMT

In article <1992Sep27.033951.27912@coe.montana.edu>, sandy@cs.montana.edu (Colin "Sandy" Pittendrigh) writes:
> 
> 	Why does a scotsman wear kilts?
> 
> ----------------Scottish sheep can hear zippers from a mile away-----

eH?
From: isupstud@bnr.ca (Wayne Hutton)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: 1500 Question Purity Test
Date: 30 Sep 92 14:29:59 GMT
Reply-To: isupstud@bnr.ca (Wayne Hutton)
Distribution: na
Organization: Bell-Northern Research Ltd.


	Could you please post the 1500 question purity test in this newsgroup. Thank you very much.

-Signed: an impurist.
From: kurts@hpnmdla.sr.hp.com (Kurt Strain)
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 22:36:47 GMT
Subject: Best Election Bumper Sticker
Organization: Outpost 1T
Newsgroups: rec.humor

"Vote for Perot" - attached to bumper by velcro.
From: ahummel@ems.cdc.com (H. Austin Hummel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Funny Names
Date: 28 Sep 92 13:30:37 GMT
Reply-To: you@ems.cdc.com
Organization: Empros Systems International, a division of CDC

In article <1992Sep26.121206.5472@gw.wmich.edu>, 924babik@gw.wmich.edu (Lisamarie Gemma Babik) writes:
|> In article <1992Sep26.144256.23063@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>, mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel) writes:
|> > In article <alan.8@ps-mail.pass.wayne.edu> alan@ps-mail.pass.wayne.edu (Alan Mo
|> > en) writes:
|> >>
|> >>Exit #69 on I-75 is Big Beaver road...
|> > 
|> > No way, man!!  You're pulling our legs.  I know that it's
|> > 16 Mile Rd!!!!
|> > 
|> > p.s.  Is it really exit #69?  I didn't know that.
|> 
|> Yep, that's the exit name and the exit number.  

Reminds me of a contempory of mine, she graduated from Beaver College in
PA in the class of 1969. Their sweatshirts stated Beaver -69
From: moon!cyberden!padishar@well.sf.ca.us
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Joke!
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 92 19:34:07 PDT
Organization: Indescribable Creations

     A science teacher brought some sheep hearts into science class to 
discuss dissection, and then he began his session with,"Today we are 
going to study the science of the lambs."

__________________________________________________________________________
   |       /         |\
   | H E   \ Y B E R |/ E N       [ moon!cyberden!padishar@well.sf.ca.us ]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jimh@pacdata.com (Jim Harkins)
Subject: Stupid Cow Jokes
Organization: Pacific Data Products
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 18:13:16 GMT

The recent posting of the cow catalog has promped me to ask for Stupid Cow
Jokes.  To start:

What can a cow do that a woman can't?

Stand in water up to her tits without getting her ass wet.


Why do cows have such long legs?

If they didn't it would be udder disaster.

jim

-- 
I will not refer to the ideologicaly challenged as 'braindead.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Harkins                         [ucsd|uunet]!pacdata!jim
Pacific Data Products               jim@pacdata.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: fortnow@thor.uchicago.edu (Lance Fortnow)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Baseball Statistic
Keywords: maybe
Date: 28 Sep 92 23:30:03 GMT
Organization: Department of Computer Science, University of Chicago

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was
given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more
runs than their opponents.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: WEHR%EEDVAX.decnet@srlvx1.srl.ford.com (EEDVAX::WEHR)
Subject: Fire Building Skills
Keywords: smirk, true


    My family and I live in Romeo, a small village about 30 miles north of
    Detroit. My wife would rather me describe its location to new
    acquaintances without mentioning Detroit, however. Not that she doesn't
    like the city; it's just that it's reputation has been responsible
    for some strange looks.

    Anyway, during a recent camping trip, we were experiencing the usual
    difficulties in getting our campfire going. Suddeny, my wife popped up
    with, "See? Sure proof we're not from Detroit: we don't know *how* to
    start a fire!"

    -- Bruce


--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
From: dil@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Perry G Ramsey)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Carnac the Magnificent says, "You're Screwed ..."
Keywords: computer, smirk
Date: 1 Oct 92 08:30:04 GMT

On an envelope containing some giveaway software:

"By opening this envelope, the user agrees to the terms of the enclosed
license agreement."

Hmmm. Now that Johnny is retired, maybe Carnac can make 
a few extra bucks on the side reading software licenses before the user
agrees to them.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: whb@hoh-2.att.com
Subject: ADDRESS change
Keywords: maybe, true

This is an actual letter, recieved by my mother.  In deference to
her, but out of no love for the sender, I've changed all names and
addresses.

-----

The ABCD Company
1234 Main St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
Member New York Stock Exchange

JANE DOE
123 MAPLE ST.
SMALLTOWN, OHIO 43210

Recently, we were advised of an address change.  Since the U.S. Postal
Service automatically forwards mail we sent this notice to your previous
address.  This assures notification in the event we recorded an incorrect
new address.  If you wish to make any corrections, please note, sign and
return this letter.  There is no need to respond if the new address is
accurate.

		PREVIOUS
		--------

	JANE DOE
	123 MAPLE ST.
	SMALLTOWN, OHIO 43210

		NEW
		---

	Jane Doe
	123 Maple St.
	Smalltown, Ohio 43210


SIGNATURE:_____________________________________________
I verify the change to be accurate except for notations.

-----
Wilson H. Bent, Jr.		whb@hoh-2.ATT.COM
AT&T - Bell Laboratories	(908) 888-7129
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 4:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bert@theory.pppl.gov (John Cuthbertson)
Subject: French sportsmanship
Keywords: true, chuckle

Coubertin International Fair Play Trophy, which is awarded for conspicuous
acts of Sportsmanship.  The trophy is awarded by the "Comite International
pour le Fair Play", so named, according to the committee's general
secretary, because...

	"there is no expression for this concept in French."



--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
From: zeke@mpl.ucsd.edu (Rob Scott)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Food for thought
Keywords: smirk
Date: 28 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT

Sign seen being held by a fellow in San Diego who was a bit down on his luck 
(but apparently with a sense of humor):

			"Will be President for food"



--
     Rob Scott, System Administrator for the Marine Physical Laboratory
            Scripps Institution of Oceanography, UC San Diego
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 19:30:02 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bscott@isis.cs.du.edu (Ben Scott)
Subject: Craig Shergold
Keywords: chuckle, rumors

This just in - FCC official Craig Shergold has announced new regulations
to add a fee to phone lines used for telecommunication, including bulletin
boards and public network services.  Critics say he is still bitter from
a childhood experience during which he was buried underneath several tons
of get-well cards, largely due to the well-meaning efforts of computer
users all over the world, and this has sparked his current crackdown.

Everyone reading this message would be affected by a tax on modem lines!
It's vital that we make ourselves heard, and stop this FCC ruling.
Please, forward this message to as many bulletin boards and services
as you can, and encourage everyone you know to sign petitions against this
plan.  Send them to Mr. Shergold at the FCC in Washington, DC.

                                  (United Wire Services, July 2002)


--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: JRP1@phx.cam.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: New BBC Radio 3
Keywords: original, chuckle

 Hello and welcome to Radio 3 FM, the BBC's first station
dedicated entirely to traffic reports. But first here's a note
for all you traditional Radio 3 listeners: BONG! That was the
209th note of Sibelius's 4th symphony, played by the BBC Traffic
Orchestra conducted by Simon Rattlesnake.

 And now over to Lanark, where our reporter Charlie Cone is
waiting. Morning, Charlie!

 Morning, Piers. Well the traffic situation here is pretty
exciting. The B8426 has been dug up outside Mrs McBoydie's sweet
shop, and there is a man directing traffic in operation. At
present he's letting through a bicycle and a pram going north,
and there's a queue of 2 vehicles waiting to head south. One is a
fish delivery van, and the other seems to be a private car,
containing a very buxom young lady. A really fine model with
lovely bumpers.

 Thank you, Charlie. Well we'll be returning to Lanark the moment
we have any more news of the traffic flow there. We go now to
Wales, where our reporter Sue Contraflow is watching the
line-painters of Abernana. Sue.

 Yes, Piers. The Abernana council is out in force today, painting
white lines on the road. Perhaps I could describe the technique
they're using in more detail. It seems to derive from many 20th
century influences. One might mention Klee, or indeed Magritte.
One wonders how they put the sign up saying 'No waiting' if they
weren't allowed to stop to do so -- clearly a challenge to the
viewer there.

 O.K. That's enough art criticism, Sue. Any other comments?

 Yes, one of the workmen is whistling a tune that sounds a bit
like that bit in the Bach B Minor Mass, you know, it goes tumty
tumty tum. I think he may be a sacked BBC presenter, possibly
Peter Barker-Redingit.

 Thank you, Sue. Well our next programme is called Jam Today, in
which we broadcasts listeners' requests for highlights of their
favourite traffic jam...

--
Selected by Maddi Haussman.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: Deleted
Subject: usenet mail
Keywords: heard it, smirk


from allegra.sloman@canrem.uucp

What's the difference between a pit bull and a social worker?

You can get your kid back from a pit bull.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
a joke server I would spend all day doing it.  I reject all such requests.
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: North Star BBS
From: gabe@angus.mi.org (B. Gabriel Helou)
Subject: A Grim Fairy Tale
Keywords: chuckle, business, autos

I don't know where it originated, but I've seen this around the office
lately.  It made me chuckle; it made me sigh.

-----
                             A Grim Fairy Tale
                             -----------------
                             
Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto 
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.  
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.  On 
the big day, they were as ready as they could be.  

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their 
moral sagged.  Corporate management decided that the reason for the 
crushing defeat had to be found.  A Continuous Measurable Improvement 
Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to 
recommend appropriate corrective action.  

Their conclusion:  The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people 
rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person 
rowing and 8 people steering.  The American Corporate Steering Committee 
immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management 
structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded 
that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."  To prevent 
losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was 
changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff 
Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the 
boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma 
performer.  "We must give him empowerment and enrichment."  That ought 
to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold 
all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, 
halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to 
the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the 
senior executives.

---- -- - -   -    -      -      -         -             - <gabe@angus.mi.org>


--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to
me.  Ask the poster to forward comments back to me if this is necessary.
From: jmn@crown.berkeley.edu (J. Mark Noworolski)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Marion Barry and drugs
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 30 Sep 92 07:20:04 GMT


Heard on Rush Limbaugh this morning:

Marion Barry promised to clean up the city of crack cocaine....
	as soon as he has enough money to buy it all.

(For those who don't know- Marion Barry just finished serving a sentence for
crack cocaine posession. He was the mayor of Washington(?) before the bust,
and has recently been re-elected for office).
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

If you mail to original@clarinet.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards.   Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 5:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: abrams@division.cs.columbia.edu (Steven Abrams)
Subject: Now that's a *real* handicap.
Keywords: smirk, offensive, stereotypes

(Pvephyngvat ALP:)

Jul pna'g Uryra Xryyre qevir?
Orpnhfr fur'f n jbzna.

Eryngrq:

Jul pna'g Fgrivr Jbaqre ernq?
Orpnhfr ur'f oynpx.



--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
DON'T ASK ME.  You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
If you MUST complain, look or ask for the RHF offensive jokes policy sheet.
From: tcm@moscom.com (Tom Maszerowski)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: rn Bashes Bush
Keywords: smirk
Date: 1 Oct 92 07:20:04 GMT


  When I started up rn this morning it greeted me with the following
perceptive message:

Checking active list for new newsgroups...

Newsgroup alt.politics.bush does not exist!

  Who am I to argue?

Tom
-----
Tom Maszerowski    tcm@moscom.com   
                   {rit,tropix,ur-valhalla}!moscom!tcm
                   DoD#1957 (1987 BMW K75s)

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 12:20:07 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: afry@troi.cc.rochester.edu (Alan R Fry)
Subject: Ken Olson - visionary
Keywords: topical, smirk, true, computers

I recently read somewhere that Ken Olson retired as president of DEC.  It
brought to mind a quote of his that actually makes me wonder why he didn't
retire in 1980.  

	"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
	 home."  (Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977)

Perhaps this also explains the underwhelming presence of DEC in the current
home computer market. :)

Alan
--
Selected by Maddi Haussman.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead.
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 92 6:35:02 EDT
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au
Subject: Do as I say, not...
Keywords: smirk, true

I found this in a book of quotes from people in the Film Industry.

``It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.''

- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of ``Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator.''

--
Joe Voros
Department of Physics, Monash University, Clayton, VIC, 3168, Australia.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to
me.  Ask the poster to forward comments back to me if this is necessary.
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 92 3:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Why Ross Might Run
Organization: Fort Collins Systems Division, Hewlett-Packard Co.
From: woof@hpfcsdw.fc.hp.com (Steve Wolf)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Ross Perot is thinking of re-entering the Presidential race because
he doesn't think government is decisive enough.

				(Mike Rosen, KOA Radio, Denver)
--
Steve Wolf
Hewlett-Packard				UUCP: hplabs!fc.hp.com!woof
Fort Collins, CO			ARPA: woof@hpfcsdw.fc.hp.com

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
a joke server I would spend all day doing it.  I reject all such requests.
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 92 12:20:07 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: mem@mv.mv.com (Mark E. Mallett)
Subject: ****PLACE SUBJECT HERE***** (Dumb netter didn't give one)
Keywords: topical, smirk


Cokie Roberts on Donahue Sep 16 1992, denying the need for
term limits:

"You no longer have the old Dons of congress.  In fact, what you do
have is all these beautiful boys with hairdryers that," and she
gritted her teeth, "call me ma'am."
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead.
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 12:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Woody Allen meets Aesop 
From: clausco@netlabs.com
Keywords: topical, smirk, tasteless, sexual

Chosen as the joke of the day by a Bay Area radio station:

Q: What do Woody Allen and the tortoise have in common?

A: They both got there before the hare.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
From: snm@cc.gatech.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: US vs. Yugoslavian Baksetball team
Keywords: sick, smirk
Date: 27 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT


Overheard at a picnic conversation:

I don't think it would be too easy for the US team to
defeat the Yugoslavians. Moat of their players are 
Serbs and they are damn good shooters.

Hmm...
--
Sathis Menon
snm@cc.gatech.edu

{ed As you can guess, this one was not sent to the topical address, but it
still has some (sick) merit.}
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 92 3:20:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: That's what he's all about
From: hampton@ais.org (Kevin Podsiadlik)
Keywords: topical, smirk, original

Have you heard about the latest dance?  It's a very simple
step called the Hokey Perot-key.  It goes like this:

    You toss your hat in
    You pull your hat out
    You toss your hat in
    And you waffle all about


--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
a joke server I would spend all day doing it.  I reject all such requests.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny