From: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: re: all the time
Date: 28 Jul 92 22:15:03 GMT
Reply-To: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Lisa)

Thanks karla for sharing this.  This seems to be where my friend Shari is now. 
I was at this place some a while ago and now I'm feeling I want to talk about
other things and it's causing a strain on our friendship.  Yest. she sent me a
letter telling me she wanted to talk about all that was going on with her.  I
felt very pressured.  I'm in the midst of moving, I'm saying goodbye to people
here, and I feel that my whole life is topsy-turvy and I want to hold on to
everything I can, not rock the boat further.  Right now I don't feel secure
enough to really explore the past or really deal with intense emotional things,
and sometimes I feel overwhlemd--actually most of the time I do.  I'm wondering
how much friends really can share with each other.  I don't want Shari to tell
me everything, and I'm feeling that maybe I shouldn't tell her everything
either.  Maybe really deep discussions of issues are best done in a group like
this or with a therapist or crisis center line rather than a friendship (this
is what I'm thinking of suggesting to Shari; it's not directed at anyone else).

Sometimes I think talk about only abuse or feelings is boring; I want to talk
about other things, and when Shari told me she'd been catering to her emotional
stuff so much that she didn't know the political and economic issues facing
this country, I thought she was missing out on a lot.  I want to know what's
going on with her, but not in excurciating detail; I think that's best saved
for therapy.  Sometimes I feel that if I hear about her anger at her parents
one more time, I'll scream.  I feel like saying "get on with your life" and
"what are you going to do about it?"  

I had a talk with another friend today and she said sometimes friendships go in
cycles; she went through a period where she and her best friend were not as
close.  Perhaps this is what's happening now.  

Shari wrote me last week and said talk about casual issues was fine, and then I
got the other letter from her yest.  I called her and said that thigns were
really upside down for me with the move and that I'm saying goodbye to people
here and perferred to talk about it with her next week when I'm home.  Boy was
she cold to me!  With her around we prob. won't have a greenhouse effect!

What the hell does she want from me anyway?

I'm feeling guilty because I shared a lot with her during grad school and I
feel at times that the rel. was one-sided, although not to the extent that my
therapist seems to think.  My therapist has had a really hard time accepting my
point of view; in fact, I think she's has blinders.  I told her Thurs. that I
felt she wasn't willing to listen to any evidence that might contradcit her
point of view; she agreed that that was prob. the case.  I've felt that I was
being painted as a villain.

I feel I _should_ be there for Shari but right now I don't feel that I want to
or that I can.  I don't want to do it just out of q sense of obligation.  I'm
feeling really pressured. Also, I'm feeling that I don't want to share much
with her because I'm afraid she'll get offended and I don't want to ask her for
more than I'm willing to give her.  

How far should honesty go?

I just feel like running away at this point.  I gues I have a fear of intimacy.
 But also I feel that I want more of a balance bet. casual stuff and intense
stuff, and that some of our conversartions sound like broken records (I've been
guilty of this too).

I'm wondering whether to continue the friendship; if so, on what terms--maybe
we do need a break.  I'm finding that lately I just can't give as much
emotionally and don't want to deal much with feelings--they're too messy.

I'm angry with Shari, with my therapist, and there's only so much I can deal
with.  Some people in my life are really honoring it, and for those who arent'
(primarily those two), I can only say:  "Get off my back; leave me alone; I
have enough to deal with right now; stop pressuring me; respect my
limitations."

Karla, I hope you're not offended by this; it was prompted by what's going on
with me and Shari, not by you, but I have been on the other side from what you
were saying and I wanted to add my two cents.

Lisa
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery