From: anon.120@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: cutting and holidays   <Possible Spoilers>
Date: 29 Dec 1992 07:16:01 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.120@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Hi.  I'm Aardvark. I am new to ASAR and haven't gotten around to 
posting my story yet or anything.

All the talk about cutting...Wow.

When I read someone's description of cutting, I was a little shocked:
"I can understand the feelings, but I can't imagine actually
doing that to myself..."

<CUTTING SPOILER>
And then I read the FAQ, and the discussion it contains about cutting.



^L






AND I REMEMBERED doing that to myself...in the 9th grade, about a
year after my perp was removed from my life.  When I felt embarrassed,
confused, or just felt like I ought to be punished for not being ideal
in my own eyes (for we all know how hard teens are on themselves, and
how hard abuse victims are on themselves--in my case, the combo was 
intense), I would scratch my hands or chew on my knuckles until
they bled.

And the feelings came flooding back--and my heart was so full of
emptiness, powerlessness, that I just wanted to scream.  I thought of
doing it again.

When I tried I found that I didn't want to (much to my relief), but 
instead I just felt so *ashamed* that I had done this ever.

So I called my SO and talked to him about it, afraid that he would be
grossed out.  Instead he was very patient, understanding and
supportive.  BUT:


<<Warning: Boring relationship problems spoiler>>

^L



I don't know why he's supportive--or whether he'll continue to be 
supportive--because I've been so terrible all through this holiday 
season--which roughly corresponds to the time since I started therapy.

We've had disputes over miscommunication and noncommunication since my 
birthday in October, and especially since Thanksgiving.  Just about 
every week since Thanksgiving I've accused him of being hostile to me 
but not admitting it, because of jokes he makes, his tone of voice, or 
his facial expression.

And on Christmas he didn't give me a gift.  He hadn't gone shopping 
yet, and didn't say this even when I obliquely asked what was going on. 
 (Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have been oblique.  But his tone of 
voice/facial expression made me think I would anger him if I asked directly.)

So the day after Christmas I picked a fight, and accused him of 
punishing me for expecting a gift by not getting me one.

I feel like I've spoiled everything.  I may have screwed up Christmas 
by confronting him for imagined crimes (though the miscommunication is 
partly his fault).  He says he'll forget it, and that the holiday is 
only spoiled if I let it be spoiled.

He's been amazingly, unfailingly sweet, but I'm convinced that sooner 
or later he's going to mail me my stuff (We live 3 hours away from each 
other) and say "I've had enough of being accused for things I'm not 
doing.  Don't bother coming back."

I thought I'd stopped punishing myself.
Maybe I'm still doing it by projecting onto him my hostility toward myself.

I thought I had no feelings, anger or otherwise, for my perp.
Maybe after 13 years of suppressing anger, I'm finally feeling it--but 
misdirecting it toward him instead.

And I've thought of trying to explain these possibilities to him.

But that's not right, is it?  I can't blame my personal problems, my 
relationship problems, on something that happened 13 years ago, can I?  
It's really me, it's my fault, and I can't fall back on the crutch of 
"I was sexually abused and that's my excuse for all the ways I'm 
f*cking up our relationship."

And yes, I'm not just recognizing my problems, I'm also trying to do 
something about them by getting counseling...but counseling may take 
more time than he has patience.

He deserves someone more stable than me.  If he left I wouldn't blame him.


Hope your holidays were better than mine,

Aardvark


--
** Anonymity & Privacy by PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) **

anon.admin@pax.tpa.com.au (a human)    anon.info@pax.tpa.com.au   (for help)
anon.ping@pax.tpa.com.au  (get alias)  anon.key@pax.tpa.com.au    (register key)
anon.###@pax.tpa.com.au   (reply)      anon.post.g@pax.tpa.com.au (post to g)
anon.list@pax.tpa.com.au  (to mailing list)
anon.subscribe@pax.tpa.com.au          anon.unsubscribe@pax.tpa.com.au

For dialup Unix access phone +61-8-235-9010 - online registration.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery