From: alok@cbnewsi.cb.att.com (alok.vijayvargia)
Subject: Re: Friendships
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 20:40:19 GMT
Followup-To: alt.culture.us.asian-indian

In article <1992Sep5.210239.5630@athena.mit.edu>, tyadav@athena.mit.edu (Tapesh Yadav) writes:
> 
>  alok@cbnewsi.cb.att.com (alok.vijayvargia) replies:
> >
> >What I mean is that when a youngster under 18 is seeing some people
> >who the parents think are not good influence for him/her, then that youngster
> >should stop seeing these people. (Parents decision is Final).
>  
>  This "Parent decision is Final" assertion implies that the youngster 
> 	- disagrees with the parents 
> 	- or, doesn't understand the "why"
> 	- or, both.
> 
>  And the assertion: "some people who the parents think are not good influence
>  		     for him/her, then..."
>  implies: the youngster can be arbitrarily "influenced" by any irrational,
>           depraved, "not good" environment. That, the kid can not think for
>           itself what is right and what is wrong; what is good and what is
>           bad. Aren't these just assumptions.
> 
No these are not assumptions. Do you think a kid at the age of 12 knows
what is right and what is wrong about everything ?
Do you think a parent should wait to tell a kid who eats too much
candies, to stop eating them, until his/her teeth have several cavities ?
Do you think a parent should wait to tell the kid who is six not to
cross that busy road on his/her own, until the kid is hit by a car !
Do you think a parent should not tell a kid to watch off the drug-sellers
at the school ? Do you think a parent should not tell a kid to 
not touch that bottle of harmful toxic liquid in the house ...

>  Emotional mess is what can be expected from such assumptions and behavior.
>  Why, one may wonder? For following reasons.
> 
> 	- relationships are emotional experiences

But emotions are not the only guiding light.  One must think and observe.
One must listen to others who have been around. Those who act out of sheer
emotions are doomed to failure.

> 
>  Secondly, humans are not binary switches. Don't expect youngsters, or anyone
>  for that matter, to start or stop like computers. Often messes up the 
>  drive.
> 

It is not starting and stopping. It is stopping and starting ...
Youngster must stop depending on the parent after a certain point 
(the age of 18 or whatever you decide is the appropriate criterion), and 
start taking responsibility for his/her life.
There is no repeating of stop and start. So won't mess up the drive ...

>  What role can the parents play then? I think the best thing to do is to 
>  ask your youngster to invite the so called "bad-influences" home. Then
>  chat with them. Try to know them. Get your youngster's (or your own)
>  prejudices straightened out. Serve facts and let the kid digest it.

What if the kid still insists on associating with that 'drug dealer' or
'child molester' ? Do you know parents can loose a child if they
don't take care of the child. State agencies can take a child from 
the parents. Parents are legally responsible in many ways for their
child until the age of 18.

>  All this is much more complicated than working on binary switches. But, IMO,
>  more productive and fair.

Sure let the child get hooked on the drug or molested.
That would indeed be fair. Child wanted to associate with the drug dealer,
now he/she is hooked in return. Child enjoyed those candies and hugs
from the child molester and he/she was molested one day in return.
Fair it is. Is it productive ? May be. One day the child himself/herself
would become a drug dealer and make money !!!

May be that little girl who was molested would become a porn queen
and make millions. Would you like your son to be a drug dealer or your
daughter to be a porn queen ?

Don't you think your parents have any say in what you should or should not 
do ? They 'produced' you, they fed, cared, provided for your
educational, financial etc needs.

Don't you think you ought to listen to what they say ?

> 
>  I am tempted to add a twist to this discussion: if we recognise that
>  in our complexities, each one of us is also a parent and a kid unto oneself,
>  these discussions very much apply to those of us who are neither parents nor
>  youngsters. And they apply to us, forever !!! Don't you think so?
> 
>  Isn't life delicious?
> 

Yes, try being a parent for that girl who is going out on that late night
'date' with that drug dealing, alcohol addicted 'son of a bitch', who is
looking for some casual sex ...

Tell us what would you do ?

> T.Y.
> ----
> tyadav@athena.mit.edu


Sorry I have to be sarcastic and extreme in trying to give the message.

Alok