From: aq0@engr.uark.edu (Amer Qureshi)
Subject: JOKES... 
Organization: University of Arkansas
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 20:45:21 GMT

1)

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
 
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
 
The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
             
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
 
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
 
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."


2)
Mommy mommy, can I lick the bowl?.... no flush like other kids
Mommy mommy, why is daddy running across the yard?.... shut up and reload

3)
A minister is supposed to offer graveside services in a rural graveyard, but
gets a flat tire on the way there.  While changing the tire, the directions to
the cemetary blow away and he is lost.  He decided to drive to the approximate
area that they said the graveyard was and then look for a group of people
standing around.  
 
He hurriedly changed the tire and raced along the rural roads.  He then spied a
group of a half a dozen people standing around a large hole in the ground.  He
looked at his watch and resignedly said 'Better late than never", and got out
of the car.  He quickly ran through the funeral spiel he know about ashes to
ashes and dust to dust, about the glorious ressurection for all who believed in
Jesus and all that stuff.  He then quickly got into his car and drove off,
embarassed to stay there any longer, becasue he was ashamed he was so late.
 
The onlookers just stood around silently and gawked.  As the minister's car 
rumbled off over the hill, one of them said, "Gee, that is the first time I
have ever seen someone bless a septic tank."


4)
To: All Employees
 
From: Special High Intensity Training
 
 
 
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained throught our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
 
If you feel that you do bnot recieve your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your supervisor.  You will be place on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for
special attention.
 
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
 
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in
helping us to train others.  We can add you to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE
LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) program.
 
If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)
 
Thank you,
 
 
Boss In General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
 
 
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily
become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)


--more jokes in the next posting...........


amer