HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: Jean Riseman <agape@igc.apc.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Date: 18 Dec 92 12:02 PST
Subject: Holidays: Solstice & Xmas
Nf-ID: #N:cdp:1519600006:000:994
Nf-From: cdp.UUCP!agape    Dec 18 12:02:00 1992


Holidays....IHi folks:

I am a ritual abuse survivor & this is my third December (I
think( since I figured that out. Each one has been hard
in it's own way. This week I am trying to figure out what
is an anniversary reaction to the Solstice & what to Xmas. 
Neither was very pleasant, I must admit.
I am feeling a deep despair & lack of purpose in life.
Simply surviving is not goal enopugh, and I cannot think of any
reason to live that would redeem my past.
I am not suicidal, I am just feeling these things. All my RAS
friends are feeling variations on this existential despair.

To anybody who is feeling similar things: I hope and wish that you
do not act on yourn feelings. M<y experience is that it will lift
after the Solstice. If I can sit still with the despair I
may be able to figure out what they did to instill these feelings in me.
Was it programming, or simply a natural reaction to the ritual?

Maybe some day we will know and understand better,

Have a tolerable day, Jeannie
From: anon-1470@twwells.com (Cujo)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: none
Date: 12 Dec 92 20:58:59 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


	I would  like to apologize for my last post which did not make very 
much sense but I usually don't make very  much sense when I am upset......
Next time I post I'll try to be more rational.

Peace & Strength

Cujo

p.s--thanks to  everyone whoo has e-mail me.



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: **SPOILER WARNING**  What should I say?  Advice needed
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 10:08:35 GMT

In article <krikket.049p@meltdown.chi.il.us> krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick) writes:
>Needless to say I was a bit shaken, and I felt releived when I was saved by my
>beeper, and had to call the office.  (He was leaving at this point.)
>
>I just don't understand why I felt that I had to be on good terms with him, and
>couldn't show any anger or...
I know I often tried to be on good terms with my abusers in an attempt
to make it safe, to try to prevent another abuse.  And now days, when
I'm surprised by a situation, I often fall back to those older coping
mechanisms.  Just part of the process for me....

>But later on that night I was able to get angry about what happened to me for
>the first time...
ALL RIGHT!!!
-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
From: rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Weird Spoiling Poetry
Date: 17 Dec 92 00:31:51 GMT
Organization: UB


	I was going to post this after I wrote it...

	then I forgot...

	then I saw an incredibly beautiful woman in the computer lab at
Clemens yesterday and it turned out that she was a poetess.  Which made
me think of this, because it's the kind of thing I would have liked to have
had on hand to show her.  So I thought I would post it, and as usual, it
is recommended for mature audiences.  Parental discretion is advised.



FOR APRIL, ABOUT REBELLION

Happy are we born in Hell
the sharp edged, broken early
deep is the dry wishing-well
of the soul that found no mercy

Blessed are the handcuff - beds
that killed my humanity
evil are my wrists that bled
in penance for blasphemy

Immortal is the laughter
of suls sacrificed to Lust
their souls shall burn in fire
barred outside the Gates of Trust

Happy are we, the evil
who feed upon fear and hate
each to ourselves a Devil
tempting the Ones Who Create

since we were asking for It
we are the authors of sin
and we Damned well will admit
that in the end They will win

but Here and Now, virtue wanes
saints are ever in distress
Hell`s Laughter rings through our brains
delighting in their weakness

their every failing damns them
`poor, miserable, blind, naked`
they stumble barefoot on some
broken thing that once, too, bled

joy burns and breaks the Garden
where Creators once were fed
their heels we bite with venom
whose Lust cannot spurn our heads!







	That was written some months ago, to a different young poetess.
God's Death, I must study for my final.  Sigh.  But at least if I am filling
asar (Ausar is an archaic and more correct pronunciation of Osiris, wink, wink)
with pointless Suffering, it is more grand and romantic suffering than 
the usual sort.

	The sulphur and blood aromas of hell 
	are better by far 
	than the stale urine and vomit of drunkeness
	or the dull cloying grey of mediocrity 

	Let your despair be grand and black,
	not small and oft-repeated.




	I really have to stop, or I'll be stuck in poet mode.

	It'll happen some day -- I 'll have to go around
like Dr.Seuss, spouting iambic pentameter to everyone.  Wouldn't
that be nasty,mmmmm?

Luck
Rick
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson)
Subject: Re: Well, here i am, what now?
Organization: St. Olaf College; Northfield, MN
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 17:57:00 GMT


Indees, the male friend of mine that i found invasive is getting a letter
from me in his mailbox this very day.....
thanks for the suggestio but i was one on top on you!

have a great day
cj
From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: SPOILER: My Story (long)
Date: 15 Dec 92 02:48:32 GMT
Organization: NIST

In a previous article, fields@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Matthew Fields) wrote:
>The balance of the testimony is that T.William Wells is criminally
>insane,

Matt, I am quite surprised at you.  I don't believe you have any authority
to make such a statement.  While you may not agree with any of the actions
he has taken, making such a broad and hateful statement about somebody
here with just the information given is simply vicious.  I don't believe
you have any credentials to state this as fact.

>Because of the anarchical structure of USENET, it is extremely difficult to
>send him off line.

Nor is this advisable.  He has as much right to be here as anybody else.
I remember a thread about a year ago about whether abusers would be 
welcome here.  This is not a judgment on whether I think Bill Wells
is an abuser, but I believe the concensus was that such a person would be
welcome.

ASAR is not a safe place. It never was.  The only way to create a perfectly
safe place would be for a moderated private mailing list, and then certain
problems would always creep in.  Trying to create a safe space where none
is possible will only lead to attempts at controlling the behaviors of
others and at censorship, certainly neither of which are admirable.

>By this technical means, it may be possible to limit the damage done by Mr.
>Wells;  network action at his upline site may be more effective.  I don't
>know of any way of convincing him to stop net-administrating and get treatment,
>nor do I know of any way to force him to do so, although somebody with better
>legal connections might have some ideas.

I don't understand the vindictiveness being shown here.  I can understand
that people have a lot of problems with Bill, but to suggest that you
know what is best for him, whether it be his being forced from the net, that
he be forced by some legal means to get some sort of treatment is 
reprehensible.

>The issues raised by Ed Carp's standing here and by Kenn Frankel's
>misdeeds do not in any way denigrate the importance of Scott Kelley's
>testimony, nor of Darella's testimony from last summer.

Nor does this post.

Sim Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3328.span@sdsc.edu
"Home is where your roof landed" - t-shirt seen in Miami
From: anon-1325@twwells.com (Solace)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Kate Bush
Date: 15 Dec 92 04:41:00 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Please forgive my ignorance. I have seen many references to lyrics by
Kate Bush, but I don't know who she is. I am "middle age man", grew up in 
the sixties, and steeped in classic rock and classical music, but don't
keep up with current performers very well. If someone can supply a
discography and a review of some sort that will educate me on Kate Bush's
works and what I should look for.

	Thanks,
		Solace



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From: anon-1503@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: testing
Date: 18 Dec 92 04:40:53 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Sorry, this is just a test!



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From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: Re: Abandonment *Spoiler*
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 20:48:55 GMT

welcome, stephanie.  you seem like a good person.  i know what you mean about
the attention span problems.  i had some serious motivational problems for a
couple of quarters at school when i was first dealing with my abuse.  i got
some really terrible grades.  i just couldn't face going to class, studying,
reading the books.  so i just wanted to say welcome to asar, i'm glad you can
post here.  i often wish that more people in the world had access to usenet,
because i think that a lot of people who could use asar don't have that
opportunity.  i look forward to hearing from you in the future.

-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: School Rage--spoiler was Re: academic work
Date: 20 Dec 92 20:32:15 GMT
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences

Okay, people, this is going to be about why I think school as it is
usually done (grades, tests, assignments) is an abusive system. If
you found that school was your one refuge, if you think it wasn't 
that bad, if you're a teacher, fine....just don't try to talk me
out of my rage. It won't work. 

At least part of it was the years of massive grinding irrelevence of
just being told to follow orders, of doing things neatly because it's
the nice way to do things, of being given the impression that people e
who don't get college degrees just fall off the face of the earth, of
being told (by my parents) that school was my job. (I think that they
meant that I should just do it without thinking about whether anything
made any sense.)

Have you ever noticed that in school as it's usually done they tell 
you how to do research, but they never imply that any of this is to
find information to help you make an actual decision in your life?
I believe that school is set up to split the students' minds, emotions,
desires, and actions. Start this sort of thing at age six, and you
get some pretty passive people.

Many people have nightmares about school for years after they leave--
could this be a hint that school isn't good for them? 

Are you _sure_ that being able to make yourself do schoolwork is a 
sign of mental health?

Excuse me, this is turning into a political rant, not entirely suitable
for asar. Suffice it that I feel constant rage whenever I think about
school (I'm nearly forty), and while I suspect that it's partly about
something else, I also believe that there's something wrong with school. 


Nancy Lebovitz  (in a slightly different voice than usual)
nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu
From: anon-1470@twwells.com (Cujo)
Subject: A Few More Days
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 06:32:17 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


	I have only a few more days before I spend a few weeks at my parents 
house  (part of which I'm not looking forward to)


*******************************Spoiler Warning*********************************



	One of the things that always scares me going home is my room.  You see
sice none of my family knows that I was sexually abused as a child they do not
know that the last place the abuse took place was in my present bedroom.  
	The sad part is that I sleep with my lamp on (it has a night light).
What bothers me the most is that my cousin lives only 4 blocks away.  It is 
very hard to face him.  I think I'm running out of excuses to avoid him.  I'm
not sleeping well.  (Nightmares always act up before I go home.)
	I'm not ready to tell my parents about what took my childhood away from
me.  I remember someone posting a quote from "A Courage to Heal" which says
that it is your body that betrays you and not yourself.  (I liked the quote.)
	I'm scared that if my cousin approaches me I will not be able to do
anything (like I did in the past).  I mean I have a tendency to just not stop
(a man) when they are doing something I feel uncomfortable with.  It scares me 
that I go out with men because they ask me and I don't even care about them
even while kissing them  or anything else.
	I know I'm rambling a bit bit at one in the morning (after six hours of
work) I tend to get this way.  
	I worte a few pages of how `
I felt about what happened to me as a child and  I know that it is why I have
a low self-esteem.  I'm tired of putting up an act to not only my  friends but
my family.  (I think this dog is still a coward)  
	Maybe after break ( and when I get courage) I'll post what I wrote.
	People think that I am mean because if someone touches me unexpectly
from behind I tend to swing first and ask questions later.

I THINK WHAT IS REALLY EATING AT  ME IS:

WHY DO I HAVE THIS INABILITY  TO SAY  NO!!??

This question really eats up at me inside.

Time to sign off and go home before I start to cry and pound my fist into domething.  (I thing pounding my fists til I can-t stand the pain (or I break a finger)  is probably my replacement to cutting

Peace & Courage

Cujo ( a sad dog, for tonight anyway)




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From: cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson)
Subject: Re: Well, here i am, what now?
Organization: St. Olaf College; Northfield, MN
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 05:56:36 GMT


thanks for your words of encouragement, they meant a great deal to me....
and to the rest of you who have responded, thank you too.....

This newsgroup should hopefully be good for me to read....i've come 
a long way but there are always more stairs to climb....

may you have a wonderful week...
carrie
From: anon-1500@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: none
Date: 16 Dec 92 16:57:31 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

This is just a test



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From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: ***SPOILER***
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1992 23:09:22 GMT

In article <BywtGE.36v@twwells.com> anon-1383@twwells.com (Apple) writes:
>Today, I wrote something.  My most painful memory.  I've shared
>it already with a couple of people.
It was painful to read (it was my choice) and it put me in touch with
some of my stuff.  I'm so angry at your abuser!  She had *no right* to
do *any* of those things to you.  No one should get treated like that,
and especially not a child.

I really admire your courage to work with this material. It helps me
know that it is possible.  Thanks, Apple.
-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
From: h234_035@ccvax.ucd.ie
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: [BOB] hurts, cuts, needs love *SPOILER*
Date: 16 Dec 92 20:59:07 GMT
Organization: University College Dublin

[BOB] is angry, hurts, cuts, needs love.

Sorry people, but I have to put up another big

*** SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING ***




















[BOB] cut last night, feels like doing it again tonight

look folks, i'm sorry, [BOB] wants to be strong, doesn't want to dump all his
problems onto you lovely people, but i need to talk to someone

i'm scared and i'm angry and i'm hurt

i want for this life to be over
damn it folks i dont want to die
there is a razor blade in the flat, sharp, painful
FUCK IT LET ME BE DEAD
or let me see happiness, freedom from all this pain, the pain i put on myself,
and the pain caused twelve years ago.
heres a puzzle for Poohbear and other mathematically minded people, find the
meaning of O2B57005
heres a hint, the first three characters mean 'oh to be', and 57005 translates
into a four letter word beginning and ending in 'D'
will i ever make it as far as a grave?
damn it folks i'm scared.
i dont want to die
but i think six feet under would be a very nice place to be 
make sense of that, i want to be dead, but i dont want to die.
the state of being dead appeals to me, but not the process of dying
I guess i'm calmer now, thanks for listening

Thanks again
[BOB]

Please note that I cannot receive private e-mail at this address, all replies
to me must be posted publicly.

[BOB]
From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: happy birthday debra
Date: 12 Dec 92 00:42:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

happy birthday.

angel & all



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: Abandonment *Spoiler*
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 01:41:17 GMT

In article <krikket.04mh@meltdown.chi.il.us> krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick) writes:
>Shit.  I feel fucking abandoned right now.  Yesterday I turned to my mom again,
>this time via a typed up letter (its easier for me to write on the computer
>than via hand).  Got yet more of a "well, nothing is wrong.  You're imagining
>things" reaction.  Bullshit nothing is wrong.  I can't sleep right, my emotions
>and thoughts are a giant turmoil, I have started feeling suicidal again... 
>Somethings wrong all right!  Just because I'm interested in finding the cause
>rather than trying to ignore the problem and hope it will go away...

That's really shitty, her denial.  There is *nothing* that drives me
up the wall faster than some of my "rellies" (I won't call them
family) laying their active or passive denial trip on me.  Yet, it
seems to be such a typical response...

>There are some friends of mine who have stated repeatedly that if I need a
>place to turn to, I can go there anytime.  Period.

I'm really sorry your friends weren't there for you today.

>Stopped by to see the first person...
>Stopped by to see the 2nd person...
>Tried to stop by the 3rd person's home...
>If I knew how to face this shit alone, I wouldn't be so bad off, but without
>someone there to use as a bull board/whatever, I can't quite get in touch with
>the release valve for my emotions.  :(

Wow!  I see a real commitment to your process here, Kricket!  You knew
what you needed, and you went after it.  You got yourself *away* from a
bad situation at home.

Yes, you didn't get a face to face -- but you *still* didn't give up
you used asar to be your bull board about some of it!  I call that
very creative and adaptive and healthy processing of what's going on
for you right now.  You're a real fighter.

Stay safe!
-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hal@netcom.com (Hal Wine)
Subject: Re: Please listen (minor spoilers, maybe)
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 00:37:03 GMT

I agree with what the others have said about 20/20 hindsight and the
like.  Setting my own boundaries as regards possible abuse going on
now by relations is *real* tough for me.

You talk about the pain they've gone through, and I think about the
pain they still *are* going through.  If you're in a place to do it,
helping to see that the kids get the support and help they need (and
your cousin needs) would be a wonderful thing to do.

From talking to folks going through the report/arrest process, this is
a major crisis time.  There are some good support organizations out
there that can help both the kids and their mother.  (Just in case you
or your cousin don't have a contact, you could check for a Parent's
United chapter in your area by calling the headquarters at
408/763-1616.  There are other groups, this is just one I know
about.)

I realize that this is a whole different question than the one you
asked, so I'll quit now.  And, I'm open to talking about this issue at
length, too.
-- 
Hal Wine
Internet: hal@netcom.com		Compuserve: 72267,3346
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: stick@carson.u.washington.edu (suzanne cherniack)
Subject: Subjects to be discussed
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 06:51:28 GMT

I am pleased to see this new newsgroup at my site, but am wanting to know
if "sexual abuse" includes rape, harrassment, and other forms of 
abuse besides incest.  I am a surviror of all three...
 
-Suzanne
From: anon-1349@twwells.com (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Hair pulling/plucking
Date: 18 Dec 92 22:40:53 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

The recent discourse on cutting has raised my curiosity about others' 
experiences with a different, but perhaps related, topic, hair pulling or
plucking.  I have plucked out hair (with either fingernails or tweezers) since
at least puberty and perhaps earlier.  I generally pluck hairs from my eyebrows,
eyelashes, and pubic area.  (The clinical term for this is trichotillomania).
Does anyone else do this or have any information about it?

By the way - I too am off to meander hither and yon over the holidays.  I'll
be away from 12/21 to about 1/4/1993.  So, Happy Holidays to everyone who's
interested.   Hope its a peaceful one on asar.

Mary



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