From: v130py5w@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Self-esteem and reclaiming my body
Date: 6 Apr 92 15:12:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Apr3.182938.1006@reed.edu>, bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney) writes...
> 
> 
>     I've been thinking about self-esteem lately.  And realizing my
>definition has been wrong all these years.  I've always looked outside
>myself for self-esteem.  Good grades in school, someone saying "well
>done", being successful.  Having a nice house and a nice car.  All
>these things were how I measured myself.  I operated using only
>external motivators.  To fill the empty hole of my self esteem.  If
>I had this, I would feel good; I would be happy.  And when I got it,
>it would feel good for a little while.  But that emptiness would call
>out for more.  Self esteem is not what I have but who I am.  And all
>the internal motivators.  Do I do what I do because I want to?  Does
>it make me happy?  Or do I do what I do because I *need* it to fill
>that empty hole?  It's only when I've started to like myself that
>that hole has begun to close.  Be filled.  Because I'm doing things
>for me, not for someone else.  I'm not jumping through hoops to try
>to earn my parents' love.  That elusive goal I was never quite able
>to reach.  Because it wasn't really there.  I had to believe it was
>to survive.  It was a need, but it was never met.  And I've tried to
>fill that void by continuing to look outside myself to fill it.  The
>only way I've found to fill it is by loving myself.
> 
>     Which brings me to what I've been struggling with lately.  Owning
>my body.  Reclaiming it.  That's been incredibly tough to do.  I feel
>like I've opened a new wound.  I've been going around lately like I
>have a gaping wound open to the world again.  A feeling I've had before.
>I feel like I gave up on my body when I was abused.  The pain was so bad
>I left my body.  And I never really moved back.  Partly, I felt betrayed,
>like I couldn't control my body and it's reactions.  And my body was
>the source of my pain.  Not just the pain receptors, but the presense of
>genitals.  These organs that were like an invitation to be abused.  And
>through the years, I've neglected my body.  I've only focused on a part
>at a time and hated each of those parts.  My nose is too big.  My ears
>are too big.  My lips are too full.  My eyes are the wrong color.  And
>so on.  I would magnify each part of me out of proportion so I ended up
>with a very distorted view of how I looked.  I'm just beginning to see
>how I've distorted my self-image.  I recently tried on a nice-looking
>blazer.  I looked in the mirror and instantly recognized it was not for
>me.  I looked *too* good!  I couldn't handle it.  Then I looked again
>and realized what had happened.  I saw myself.  I bought the blazer.  I
>also realized I had been neglecting how I looked.  I had had the same
>hair style for so many years.  The next day I got an all-new style.
>More modern.  The old style looked out of place when I had that blazer
>on.  Anyway, I freaked.  I saw my face for the first time in years.  And
>I looked good!  All those features I had distorted I saw in the right
>perspective.  I had thought myself ugly, but I looked handsome!  And it
>has totally freaked me out since.  It's been a major conflict seeing
>myself as I truly am compared to how I thought I had looked.  It's so
>hard just to look in a mirror.  Each time I do, I feel that same
>conflict.  And it hurts.  I realize now that whenever I used to look,
>I would only focus on one thing.  My teeth as I brushed them.  My hair
>as I combed it.  Or a given feature as I criticized it.  And there's
>so much pain I feel for all the years of believing the lie that I was
>ugly.  Unattractive and unloveable.  The lies I believed when my mother
>abused me.  The only thing that made sense at the time.
> 
>     Oh well...  It's been rough lately.  I've been having flashbacks
>a lot lately.  And I've been crying a lot too.  No memories associated
>with the flashbacks yet.  Just feelings.  But I'm so very optimistic.
>I am going to reclaim my body and I know it's worth it.  It's a tough
>struggle but I know I can do it.  It takes time to make these internal
>shifts.  And it feels like so much else is going on in my process.  My
>therapist has had to be out of town several times for 10 or so days
>each time.  His father just died and I suspect he's having a rough time
>too.  And there's this inevitable feeling of abandonment that goes with
>that.  That childhood fear my mother found so early on and used it to
>control me with.  Separating that fear and anger isn't easy.  But it's
>an issue I have to deal with now, too.
> 
>     Anyway, I wanted to write because I know I haven't had much to say
>of late.  That goes with feeling rough I guess.  Take care, all.
> 
>     Robert

   Good luck Robert!!! I know you can reclaim yourself!! And i am here for you
if you need me!! We all are here if you need us!!! I know how it feels not to
recognize yourself. After i broke up with my last SO everyone told me i should
change my apperance. So i looked in the mirror and what i saw wasn't me. I 
looked to tough and manly. So i did my hair and got rid or my army coat (i keep
it in the back seat of my car) and got a feminine coat. It took me months to
get used to the new me which i think was the old me hidden under a layer of 
tough cloths. Whenever i want to be tough and give the air of don't mess with me
i wear my army jacket, people wonder which is what i want.
   So i hope you do find yourself and that you like what you find!! Don't be to
hard on yourself write anytime cause i won't abandon you!! I know how the mother
manipulation thing works....it sucks!! 
Peace and smily faces to you!!!!  :^)
ReNeE