From: jtchern@ocf.berkeley.edu (Joseph Hernandez)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.asian.american
Subject: Self-examination
Date: 29 Jul 1992 16:49:29 GMT
Organization: U. C. Berkeley Open Computing Facility
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: monsoon.berkeley.edu

The following is this week's column by Hoyt Sze in the closest thing we have to
a campus newspaper, _The Daily Californian_. I found it interesting so I
thought I would share it with the newsgroup. Remember this is just a submission
to the group and the opinions expressed by Mr. Sze do not necessarily reflect
those of anyone else. Thanks.

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THE DAILY CALIFORNIAN
Vol. CXXI, No. 106
Wednesday, July 29, 1992
Berkeley, California

Column: ERECTED WIT
Writer: Hoyt Sze
Title: Self-examination
Page: 5 (left column)

	If there's one talent of which we Asian Americans can boast--exceeding 
even our abilities to play ping-pong, twirl pencils or develop profound guilt 
complexes--it's taking tests.
	Whipped into submission by neurotic parental expectations and Model 
Minority stereotypes, nobody can match us for sheer rote memorization and 
mindless repetition.
	The test which I've developed, called the Asian American Personality
Test, requires a little more imagination. Sharpen your number 2 pencils and 
let's have some fun.

1. Under what circumstances would you marry a white person?
   a. Is this some sort of trick question?
   b. Only if my doctor guaranteed I could have blond-haired blue-eyed children
   c. Only if he looked like the pictures of Jesus in my picture Bible.
   d. If I had already made some irreversible decision to sell out my community
      and my unborn children.

2. If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
   a. A more fixative hair gel, a larger house in Palos Verdes (affluent So.
      Cal. community) and an unlimited supply of arcade tokens for the ASUC
      Underground (video arcade).
   b. First, I'd want to be white and then--and then--wait, I still have two 
      more wishes?
   c. I'd meet my three best friends--the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
   d. I'd find evidence proving that Malcolm X, Stokley Carmichael and Eldridge
      Cleaver were all really Asian Americans.

3. Who's you role model?
   a. Tom Vu. Check out the accent. It's worse than my Dad's! Har, har!
   b. Amy Tan. It's weird, but I can totally relate to the characters in her
      books.
   c. Jesus Christ or Reverend Moon. I'm not sure. Maybe if my "friends" hadn't
      brainwashed me, I'd have an easier time trying to make an independent
      decision
   d. That question immediately sets up a hierarchy in which the role model
      dwarfs the subordinate "I." But that's typical for a slave of the white
      racist media like you.

4. What do you hope to accomplish in life?
   a. You mean, besides upgrade my BMW?
   b. Find my identity by marrying a white guy.
   c. Go to Asia as a missionary, brand myself with "Jesus loves me" tattoos
      and baptize my pet cat. Anything to make my family embarrassed of me.
   d. Establish an alliance with people of color. Overthrow the white 
      establishment. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll start learning Korean.

5. How do you respond if someone calls you an "Oriental"?
   a. Hey, knock off the PC stuff. You can call me "gook."
   b. The proper term is "Mongoloid," buster!
   c. Oriental, Caucasian, Negro. Don't you know that God is colorblind?
   d. Oriental's a word to describe food, much like the word "cracker."

6. What do you think of affirmative action at Cal (UC Berkeley)?
   a. It's unfair--I'm a disadvantaged minority. My parents had to struggle to
      transfer all our assets from Hong Kong.
   b. It's reverse discrimination. I shouldn't have to go to junior college
      just to help some smelly minority get an ill-deserved chance at an
      education.
   c. I think God is the ultimate affirmation and I think his Word's the best
      type of action--you heathen scum.
   d. Well, at 35 percent, I don't think we have a right to complain.


	Scoring is simple. If your answers were "a," "b" or "c," you could be
a winner. Just work hard, keep you mouth shut and you'll go on steaming to the
corporate ladder, the socioeconomic scale, the stairway to heaven--or if you're
really lucky, all three of the above!
	If you answered "d," you lost one Hell of a lot of face. What were you
thinking? Tests aren't meant to foster critical thinking or provoke 
intellectual challenge. Your parents would be ashamed of you. I think maybe 
you're a discredit to your race.


Sze, who graduated from UC Berkeley in May, will be attending Cornell Law 
School in the fall.

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