From: amz@iguana.cis.ohio-state.edu (Arnold M Zwicky)
Subject: gay and bi male lovers (part 1)
Followup-To: soc.motss
Summary: meet gabe and biff
Organization: secret motss cabal, public relations division
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 18:47:45 GMT

jojo's reflections on sex with gay vs. bi men led me to think back
about Men I Have Known and why i found myself both in tune with jojo's
characterizations and also resisting them.  in this (rather long)
posting i'm going to give sharply differentiated portraits of two
fictional men, gabe (my representative of the gay male type) and biff
(for the bi male type), and then use them, in a later posting, to talk
about some real people.


gabe is exclusively gay - in behavior, of course (all his sex is with
other men), but most important, in his mind: it's only guys that set off
those twinges of desire, only guys appear in his fantasies, and his
understanding of the physical attractions of women is entirely
theoretical and second-hand.  he's known he was gay since he had his
first recognizably sexual thoughts.  he doesn't have many women in
his life, and deals with straight men only because he has to; his
social circle is all other gay men.

gabe is energetic, restless, always on the move, full of projects.
when he's focused on you, it feels like you're getting jump-started
every few minutes, and you share in the energy, somewhat breathlessly.
when you're not quite in synch with him, his restlessness makes you
think he's always looking over your shoulder, hoping that something
more interesting will come along, or that he's always about to jump up
and go on to some more engaging activity, and then you feel inadequate
and lumpish.  [some posters to soc.motss project this kind of
energetic restlessness through the written word, each in his own
way: jojo himself, fj!!, fruitbat, richard the flying squirrel.]

gabe prefers to communicate his feelings and wishes nonverbally and
expects other people to do the same.  this is especially true in the
sexual arena, but it's not just there.  he expects you to attend to
the unsaid, and he doesn't want to hear a lot of analysis about who
feels what and why.  sometimes you think to yourself that you find him
so attractive because the two of you just understand one another,
without even having to say anything.

when the sex with gabe works, he is ferocious, hungry, intense, and
he makes you feel the same way.  whether he is taking your cock
or giving you his, you feel that you're satisfying some overwhelming
need in him.  afterwards, you feel that you've been stretched.
(on the other hand, if it doesn't work for him right away, he'll
jump ship.)

you have trouble deciding whether gabe is a queen or a stud or
some incredible hybrid.

gabe is not bad as a roommate, though he is sometimes mind-bogglingly
negligent about the details of domestic life and about schedules.  he
will bring a lot of hot guys home, which is not at all bad because
sometimes you get to share.  he is a *great* fuck-buddy, but he tends
to lose interest in you if you actually get to be friends.  if,
against his better judgment, you become lovers and move in together,
the curve of sexual excitement nosedives fast; either you break up at
that point, or you hang on for a while until one of you (probably you)
finds one of your outside relationships - these are a given - more
substantial and decamps with the other guy.  in any case, gabe is a
difficult live-in lover, because he's so competitive about everything.
(one day you get into one of those tight-lipped shouting arguments
that, you realize hopelessly, is about who *really* wears the pants in
the household, which gabe finally wins by forcing you down on his
cock, knowing that you can't refuse it even though he has to use all
of his edge in strength over you to get you down on your knees, using
the sex as a punishment, demeaning you; he is contrite afterwards,
because you are so upset, but you think he is secretly sure that it
was what he had to do, and that he'd do it again.)


biff thought he was straight until sometime in college or graduate
school, he can't quite remember when.  he dated women, enjoyed the sex
with them, viewed them as his best friends (as indeed he still does).
he has a female partner now, and muffy understands (though is not always
entirely comfortable with) his gay side.  after a period of picking up
guys in the gym and in secluded corners of parks and thinking it
wasn't really important to him, biff came to realize that the sense of
physical and emotional connection to other men he derived from these
encounters was in fact very important.  he has no idea who he is out
to now, and he doesn't press the matter, but he doesn't lie or
hide, either.

at any given moment, biff either has a male lover or is hoping to find
one.  his inclination is to develop a serious relationship with one
man at a time and with one woman at a time.  still, he thinks of
himself as being attracted to, and falling in love with, individual
people, some of whom happen to be women, some men.  he is aroused by
people of both sexes, and his fantasies feature both men and women,
and also people of no clearly identifiable sex (with whom he sort of
*melds* in a long drawn-out climax).

biff likes to think things through and figure out motivations, so he
understands that one of the reason he so enjoys the company of
(certain) women is that with them he doesn't have to embody the
stereotype of masculinity; he can, if he wants to, cook, go to the
theater and to art galleries, talk about emotions and relationships,
neglect spectator sports utterly, and on and on through a giant
inventory of stuff that's problematic in many of his friendships with
other men.

biff is easy-going, relaxed.  in good moments you think you truly
understand what "repose" means, just from looking at biff lying next
to you.  (in bad moments you think he's boring.)  he *listens* to you,
really listens, and expects you to do the same for him.  you are glad
you got to know him, and expect to be friends with him for the rest of
your lives.  sometimes you have a fantasy in which he's your older
brother, helpful and thoughtful and protective, but also (like the
real biff) with an eminently fuckable ass.  (biff sometimes wonders if
muffy could be persuaded to fuck him with a dildo while he fucks her,
but neither of them is really sure where her line is here, and anyway
biff suspects he needs both the sensation of being penetrated and also
the whole live complex man that goes along with the cock.)

you are sure that biff would be a *great* dad, and because you love
him you hope he and muffy will soon have kids, even though it means
he'll have a lot less time for you.

biff tells you what he wants and likes - "i want to be able to see
your ass when i'm in you", "it turns me off to have my nipples
worked", "the sweat in your armpit makes me crazy for you", "call me
the dirtiest names you can think of" - and encourages you to give him
the same kind of feedback, or even directions.  he is a very attentive
lover.  (when it doesn't go well, it seems too scripted, rehearsed,
unspontaneous.  but he will find a way to get you off, and if you seem
awkward in taking care of his cock, perhaps because of the scripting,
he'll hold you in his arms and jack himself off for you.)

it would never occur to anyone to think of biff as either a queen
*or* a stud.

biff would be great to live with, as a roommate or a lover or a
husband, since he is responsible, organized, and thoughtful.  there
would be no jockeying over who possesses the greater degree of
masculinity (unless you stupidly insisted on competing with him in a
game he doesn't want to play).  he would do more than his share of the
housework.  he wouldn't bring other people home unless you wanted him
to.  unfortunately, this is unlikely to come about, since he's
probably going to live with muffy, or her successor, indefinitely.  on
the other hand, you have a pretty good chance of having him on
part-time loan for life, if you want him.  (or, maybe, if you're bi
like him, he might take you home to muffy and you *could* get to live
with him, and her.  kids, i have done this, in my own home - well, i
played the biff role - so maybe you and muffy and biff could too.)

[here end the tales of gabe and biff.]

arnold (who is a little biff, a little gabe, a lot of other stuff)