From: awatson@pecan.cns.udel.edu (angela watson)
Subject: Re: Merry Christmas Ashers!
Summary: more of the same 
Organization: University of Delaware, Newark
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 20:35:35 GMT

In article <1992Aug19.101507.12196@leland.Stanford.EDU> underdog@leland.Stanford
.EDU (Dwight Joe) writes:
>In article <1992Aug19.035127.24634@udel.edu> awatson@pecan.cns.udel.edu (angela
 watson) writes:
>
>But what would you think if, say, tonight a group of people from a
>society into which you desparately want to be part of just shut
>you out permanently, how would you feel?  Let's say that being a part
>of that society was, for very good reasons, crucial to you.
>
>Wouldn't that be justification enough to just "pack up" and "leave"?

My reactions are too situational-dependant for me to definately say
one way or another. I'd definately would/have feel/felt lower than a snake's
belly (I'm trying to avoid being too graphic about the level of depression 
I'd feel). My first reflexive action would be to try and convince myself
that I wouldn't really want to belong to that type of group if they wouldn't
except me or to think that they just didn't know the "real me" (then they
would have never considered me in the first place... ;P ).

But I would look for something else before just "packing up and leaving" 
permenantely. If nothing else, I'd try to inconvienence them as much
as possible both before and after my death (murder investigations can
just take soooo long...).


>>   Personally, I survived for many years on hatred and spite.
>
>This is neither healthy nor productive.

Of course it isn't... I never said it was. But I'm not about to let someone
else (esp. someone who contributed to my misery) benifit from my passing
if I can help it.  I survived for about a decade on hatred.  No matter
how worthless my life was or how miserable, I wouldn't give others the
satifaction of seeing me finally escape through death.  I wasn't about
to give up the only thing I had (my retched life) because I caused more
pain to those I hated while alive than I could when I was dead. 


>>By staying alive, I could deprive those around me from having the few 
>>things I had.
>
>If you are going to live like that, then what's the point of sticking
>around?  I suppose that I'm an intellectual.  So, if life has no meaning and
>no happiness, then what's the point staying for the duration?
>
>What's the point of living for the sake being alive?  What's the point?

There isn't much point... but I wasn't about to let someone who caused me
so much pain to gain anything from my release. It's hard to see how someone
can live like that (it wasn't easy for me to do), but when there is
_nothing_ left for you here, why not try to even up the tally a little
before you go?  I wanted my pleasure to be for me, not for those who
tried to ruin my life.  I also knew that my passing would just push all
the abuse I got onto someone else while my abusers gained from my death.
If I finally go over the edge never to return, I don't want some
shmuck claiming "credit" for it and using it as an excuse to gain sympathy
or material possessions.  Staying alive was the only form of
punishment I could give to those who made my life miserable (even if it
made my situation that much worse).


>[sig. deleted]


I know I've repeated myself a bit, but there is no way for me to explain
my feelings in any more detail without relating my own personal experiences...
and that's not want I intended to do.  I'm not saying everyone (or anyone)
should do as I've done.  It's just "worked" more or less for me.


                                    AMW
                                    aka psycho kitten


Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday