Organization: Penn State University
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 11:54:05 EDT
From: Todd Bobenrieth <TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: BarTrek:"Datasomething"

Welcome to another installment of BarTrek. The following story, and all others
to follow, will take place during the time when all officers were still alive.
For those who don't remember or have never read BarTrek, the characters are
the cast of Cheers...

Picard:Frasier Crane
Riker:Sam Malone
Data:Cliff Clavin
Worf:Norm Peterson
Troi:Rebecca Howe
Beverly:Lilith
Q:Harry Anderson
Geordie:Woody Boyd
Guinan:Carla


Others will be announced when we get to them...so here we go...


DATASOMETHING

Fade into the usual starfield as the Enterprise comes into view.

Picard(voice only): Captain's Log, Stardate 5198.4. We are currently orbiting
                    a strange blue planet that we really have no name for.

Cut to the bridge, where Troi is reading Redbook, Riker is sleeping, Geordie is
twidling his thumbs, Data is chattering to anyone who will listen. Picard
enters from his ready room.

Picard: Wake up, Riker.

Riker sits up suddenly.

Riker: Captain on the bridge. Stand at attention.

Riker looks around and notices everyone else standing. He slowly gets up.

Picard: Well Will, what would we want to call this planet?

Riker: What overuse of words beginning with the letter W!

Geordie: Don't you think that's too long a name for it?

Picard frowns at LaForge.

Riker: How about....Riker's Mills.

Troi: No....what about...Troitown.

Picard: I doubt that any of these will be used.

Data: Perhaps we could name it...Datius Maximus.

Geordie: No, I got it...Worf Virginia.

Picard: You are all pathetic.

Geordie: Thanks sir...

Picard: It wasn't a compliment.

Geordie: oh.

Worf comes onto the bridge.

Worf: Afternoon, everybody.

ALL: WORF!!!!

Geordie: What's up, Worf?

Worf: My bar tab.

Picard: Mr. Worf, why is it that you are never on the bridge?

Data: Ahhh, Cappy sir...he is on the bridge now...so your inquiry has no
      substance.

Picard: Data, why must you correct me all the time?

Data: Because no one else catches your mistakes.

Picard looks around at the blank expressions on everyone's faces.

Picard: Point well taken.

Worf: Sir, there has just been a large explosion on the planet's surface.

Picard: Scan the area. Is there any sign of life?

Worf: There is a night club several meters away.

Riker: Maybe we should stop there first.

Worf: I agree, sir.

Picard: Very well. Number Twelve, you take a small compliment.

Riker: I know sir, and don't you think I deserve a little more than that??!!

Picard: Huh???

Riker: Nothing. I'm on my way. Worf, Data, let's go.

Worf and Data skip up to the turbolift and the three exit.
Fade out, then into titles and theme music.
Fade back in to the planet's surface where the three materialize.

Riker: Worf, scan the area.

Worf puts his hand over his eyebrows and looks around.
He starts making the WOO WOO WOO sound the tricorder makes.

Worf: Looks pretty dull, sir.

Riker: All the same, we better check it all out.

Data: Sir, may I suggest using extreme caution...

Riker: Did you anticipate I was gonna go galavanting off wrecklessly?

Data: No, sir.

Riker: Then your question was pretty stupid, don't you think?

Worf laughs loudly, pointing at Data.

Data: Shut up, half breed!

Worf scowls at the android.

Riker: Enough, you two. There's the nightclub...lets go see whats inside.

The three walk over to the building and look around the outside. They come to a
 door. Data walks into the door, thinking it will open by itself.

Worf falls down laughing.

Data: Get up, mutant! (he kicks Worf)

Riker: That's all I wanna hear outta you two. Now come on. (opens door)

Data: Now look what you did! (cuffs Worf on the side of his head)

Worf straightens his red tie, that seems to suddenly be there.

Worf: No respect.

Cut back to the bridge of the Big E.

Troi: They've been gone for a long time now. Just like a man to leave a woman
      and never come back. (she starts whimpering)

Picard: Councillor...when was the last time you went out on a date?

Troi pouts. We cut back to inside the night club.

Riker: Data, do you detect life?

Data: Sometimes.

Riker almost explodes.

Riker: How about right now?

Data: No sir...oh wait....no..that's just us.

Worf: Sir, there is a big metal box in the corner.

Riker: I see. What do you think we should do?

Worf looks over at Data and motions toward him.

Worf: Have him open it.

Data: Hey, ah, Worfy...why should I do it?

Worf: Sir, make him do it.

Riker: I'll decide who's going to open the box....Data, open it.

Data: (sneers) Typical.

Data goes over to the box and opens it. Cut to a shot from inside the box
looking out. Data's eyes widen.

Riker: What is it, Data?

Data: A big chest of back issues of Playborg.

Riker: Really??!! See if they have the big Special Bonus Assimilation Issue!!

Worf looks rapidly through the magazines as the door to the building opens.

Tambo: Hello. May I help you?

Worf: No, I'm doing fine.

Suddenly all three jump into the air.

Riker: Who are YOU?!

Tambo: I am known as Tambo.

Worf: Tambo?? What race are you Tambo?

Tambo: I am a Manynote.

Riker: Manynote? Data, what do we know about Manynotes?

Data: You don't know squat about them, big guy. I, ah, happen to know quite
      a bit about them.

Riker quickly draws his phaser.

Data: OK OK OK... Manynotes are an ancient race of simple people. While others
      rapidly advanced technologically, they remained, ah, pions.

Tambo: Peeyons?

Data: It's a word.

Riker: Data, I thought you weren't programmed to use contractions.

Data: I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Tambo: Please, enough quarreling. We must go soon. The Humdingers are coming.

Worf: The whatdingers?

Tambo: Humdingers...no time to argue, come quick.

Suddenly a tear gas canister crashes through the window and begins to fill
the room.

Riker: Let's go! Don't get separated.

Cut to Data, whose arm has fallen off.

Data: Too late, sir.

Riker and Worf exit with Tambo and the building explodes. Tambo runs off
into the distance.

Worf: Data!!!

Riker: We haven't had time to compile any!

Worf: Sir...Data was in that building!

Riker taps his comm badge.

Riker: Riker to Enterprise...two to beam up.

Riker and Worf are transported away as we fade out to a commercial

COMMERCIAL
Kid: Hi, I'm the kid who had a report due on outer space.

Voice: He had a report due on outer space...

Kid: I think I made that abundantly clear.

Voice: Well, yes.

Kid: So I bought the Klingon Encyclopedia to help.

Voice: He bought the Klingon Encyclopedia to help.

Kid: Be jatl E yi-mev!!! (He pulls out a phasor and blasts the guy)
     I may not exactly get good grades now. But I sure do intimidate people.

Fade back in to the Enterprise transporter room.

Picard: Where's Data?

Riker: Ahhh, who knows with androids these days?

Picard: Number Twelve!!!!

Riker: Oh alright. He got blown up in a building.

Picard: Well why didn't you just say so?

Riker: I thought you'd be mad at me.

Picard: No, Will. I'm not mad. (he grabs Riker's throat) I'M FURIOUS!!!

Worf: Sir?!

Picard: Keep out of this!! Riker!!! We get a brand new android and you let him
        get blown up!!!! What kind of stupid hairbrained thing did you do to
        manage this??!!!

Worf: Actually sir, this is my fault.

Picard looks over and UP at Worf, then proceeds to choke Riker.

Cut back down to the planet. We see a little house on the prairie. A horse
drawn wagon pulls up. Tambo gets out of the "driver's seat" and walks into the
house. Cut to the bedroom, where Data is lying on a bed, unconscious.

Tambo: Are you awake, my pale friend?

Data does not wake up.

Tambo: It is time to get up, stranger.

Data still doesn't wake up.

Tambo slaps Data hard on the face. He wakes up and stares coldly at Tambo.

Data: How did I, ah, get here?

Tambo: I brought you here when the Humdingers attacked.

Data: Where is Commander Riker and Mr. Worf?

Tambo: Your friends had to leave. But you are safe here.

Data looks around the room as we cut to the bridge of the Enterprise.

Picard: Mr. LaForge, try to contact Lt. Data.

Geordie picks up a phone and dials some numbers.

Geordie: It's busy sir.

Picard: Well keep trying.

Worf: Sir, there are three large ships entering space around us.

Cut to space where three mammoth vessels surround the Enterprise.

Picard: Open a hailing frequency.

Worf pops open a beer.

Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.

A voice from one of the other ships says, "Eeeewwww!"

Picard: I noticed you were surrounding my ship. Umm....why?

Voice: We order you to leave orbit of this planet at once.

Picard: And if we don't?

Voice: It would be bad.

Picard: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good bad thing. What exactly do you
        mean bad?

Voice: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and
       every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Picard: Ok, that's bad. Important safety tip. Thanks, alien enemy.

Voice: No problem.

Worf: I suggest we fire all weapons at them.

Picard: Why?

Worf: They threatened us!

Picard: They also have us outnumbered.

Worf(under his breath): You wous(sp?)...

Picard: What was that, Mr. Worf?

Worf: I said..of course.

Picard: I see...now where was I? Oh, yes, alien intruder...why do you want us
        to leave?

Voice: This is our space. Now go away.

A phaserblast rocks the Enterprise.

Picard: Ok, we're gone. Warp engines, Mr. LaForge.

The Enterprise warps away.

Riker: What about Mr. Data?

Picard: He's a big boy now. He can take care of himself.

Cut to the farmhouse, where Amelda is feeding Data.

Data: Ma'am, I can do this myself.

Amelda: Ya gotta build your strength if you're going to help around here.

Data: I can't do that. I have to, ah, get back to the ship.

Tambo: Your ship has left.

Data: Left? Where did they go?

Tambo: They were being attacked by some Humdingers?

Data: I have no records of a race called Humdinger. Are they indigenous to
      this planet?

Tambo? What?

Data: Were they born here?

Tambo: No, they came here about three years ago and began taking over our
       world.

Data: What do the Humdingers look like?

Amelda: Did you ever see the alien from the movie Alien?

Data: Yes, I have seen it.

Amelda: Well, nothing like that.

Tambo: They look just like us?

Data: Oh, and I suppose their names are also Tambo and Amelda??!!

Tambo: I don't mean they all look like Amelda and I...I mean they look like
       our race.

Data: Ohhhhhh, you mean humanoids.

Tambo: No.... we are backwoods comapared to you, but we DO have Preparation H!

Data: I see.

Amelda: Now you must help us out around the farm.

Data: What would you have me do?

Amelda: Tomorrow morning you will milk the gwak.

Data: What's a gwak?

Amelda: Sorta like an ugly cow.

Tambo: In the afternoon, you will help me plant the fields.

Data: What will you be planting these fields into?

Tambo: The swamps.

Data: Ah...

Cut to the Enterprise, where Picard is trying to complete a paint-by-numbers
picture of a Ferengi.

Chime: Tweedlequirge.

Picard: Come.

Guinan enters the Ready Room.

Picard: Guinan...what a surprise.

Guinan: Yeah, whatever. I was just wondering if we were gonna go back for the
        android or continue on our merry way?

Picard: I think it would be prudent to retrieve him.

Guinan: Well I, for one, don't really want him back.

Picard: Your opinion is noted, but I can't say as I like it.

Guinan: And how do you intend to get by those big ships?

Picard: Who knows? Maybe I'll beam Troi over to them to confuse things a bit.

Guinan: I like the way you think, Captain, sir.

Picard: Thank you for this stimulating conversation, Guinan.

Guinan: No problem.

Guinan exits and Picard sits down.

Door Chime: Tweedlesquirge

Picard: Come.

Troi enters the room and sits in front of Picard.

Picard: May I help you, Councillor?

Troi: No, I got it...

Troi just gets her top button fastened as the camera cuts to her.

Picard: Well...what do you want?

Troi: Do you have a cigarette?

Picard: Unlikely.

Troi folds her arms and stares at Picard.

Picard: What?

Troi: Aren't you even going to look?

Picard grimaces and starts looking through drawers around the room.

Picard: No, Deanna, I'm sorry.

Troi: Oh well...I came in here to ask you about a feeling I just got.

Picard: I think Dr. Crusher would be a better individual to ask about things
        of that nature.

Troi: Not from me!!!! You just had a feeling of despair.

Picard: If you were in a room confined with Guinan, you'd feel the same way.

Troi: This feeling did not relate to Guinan...

Picard: Well, I just had this intuition that we would never see Data again.

Troi: And you felt bad about that?

Picard: Its not that, Deanna...he owes me five bucks.

Cut to the planet, now in the early morning hours...Tambo opens the door to
Data's room. He shakes Data.

Tambo: Wake up, Data.

Data: I never sleep, sir.

Tambo: Then why are you lying in bed?

Data: I don't know.

Tambo: Time to milk the gwak.

Data: I am not familiar with the milking customs dealing with a gwak.

Tambo: Come on, I'll show you.

Cut to the Humdinger camp. The Grand Pooba, Dawull, is looking through
binoculars at a Manynote village. Someone walks in front of his view.

Dawull: What the....oh, I am sorry Stink'wad. I did not realize it was you.

Cut to a shot over Dawull's shoulder at the Romulan staring at him.

Stink'wad: I understand your dillema, being an idiot and all.

Dawull merely smiles at him.

Stink'wad: What is the status on our attempt to capture Lt. Cmmdr. Data?

Dawull: We have located the village where he is presently staying.

Stink'wad: Good, by tomorrow he will be ours.

Dawull pukes on the Romulan's boots as we fade out to a commercial.

COMMERCIAL
For the first time in motion picture history...two blockbuster sequels will
be put together for one big film. Disaster epics of extraordinary magnitude
will thrill you til you die of a massive head rush.

Samuel L. Bronkowitz presents the continuations of Earthquake and The
Towering Inferno in his newest, boldest film ever....
SHAKE AND BAKE!!!!!!!!
Starts Friday. October 34th at a theater near me.

Fade back in to Data in the barn.

Data: Tambo, you will understand if I do not act like a professional gwak
      milker the first time around.

Tambo: Of course, you city folk cannot be expected to do it right...

Data: Well, ah, if you show me how to do it the first time, I will be able to
      do it correctly from then on...

Tambo: How about this...I will point out each step and let you take it from
       there.

Data: That would be acceptable.

Tambo points to the tail of the gwak.

Tambo: Grab that.

Data grabs the tail of the gwak, sending it into a frenzied rage.

Data: Are you sure this is how it is done??!!!

Tambo: Of course...you've got it!! HA HA HA HA HA

Data is being thrown around violently by the animal as we cut to the bridge of
the Enterprise.

Worf: I'm bored!

Riker: Wanna go to the holodeck?

Worf: What for?

Riker: Well, we could simulate Data and beat the stuffing out of him.

Worf: Lets go.

Picard: Be back in at least thirty minutes.

Riker: Gotcha.

Troi: Captain, have you formulated a plan to get him back yet?

Picard: I just said, "Be back in thirty minutes", didn't I?

Troi: I mean Data...

Picard: Oh...yes. I have summoned a bunch of federation ships to this area to
        assist.

Troi: Which ships are those?

Picard: Deanna...Federation ships...our allies!!!

Troi: Captain, I mean what are the names of the ships.

Picard: Ahhh, well we will be greeting the USS Newark, the USS Cleveland, and
        the Klingon ship, Mukkh'raker.

Troi: Sir...those are known to be the worst ships in the fleet.

Picard: Its the best we could do on this episode's budget.

Troi grimaces as we cut back to the barn, where Data is now sprawled out on the
floor. Tambo and Amelda are looking down at him.

Amelda: Are you alright, Data?

Data: Do I look alright?

Tambo: You are a little pale...

Data: Oh, golly. I'm peeing my pants over here, you're so funny...

Amelda: There is a spare suit in your dresser...

Data shakes his head and gets back up.

Data: Well, now that the gwak is milked, what is my next assignment?

Tambo: Our daughter, Yutka needs help with the sandbugs. She is behind the
       quobo coop.

Data: Understood.

Cut to a girl polishing the shells of the sandbugs as Data appears behind her.

Data: I am here to assist you with the sandbugs.

Yutka stands up and turns around to look at Data. A huge smile crosses her face
as Data extends his hand.

Yutka: My, that's a long hand.

Data retracts it to normal size.

Data: Sorry, normal procedure for me.

Yutka: So, you wish to help me polish the bugs.

Data: Yes. If I may ask, though, what is the purpose of this task?

Yutka: No purpose. Just for something to do.

Data: I see. Then I shall assist you in the undertaking.

Data kneels down and begins polishing bugs with the spare wax and cloth.

Yutka(shyly glancing at Data): Where are you from, stranger?

Data: I was created on a planet...

Yutka: What?

Data: South America.

Yutka: Ahhh. I don't know where that is.

Data: I'm not surprised. It is, ah, in the lowermost quadrant of your
      planet.

Yutka: Your words are confusing, but that is alright.

Yutka moves closer to him as we cut back to the Enterprise.

Picard: Mr. LaForge, is there any contact with the Federation ships yet?

Geordie: Uh, yes sir. They just sent me a message.

Picard: What does it say?

Geordie: Captain Picard, we cannot join you on this mission. We were on our way
         when we were sidetracked by the interest of watching the MudNebula
         Ship and Vessel Pull Championships.

Picard: Oh, that's just wonderful. We are all alone now.

Geordie: Don't worry sir...I'm here...

Picard: Oh...joy...

Troi: I guess that means we have to do this ourselves...

Picard: I guess so.

Troi puts the videocamera back on her shoulder.

Troi: And we're rolling.

Picard: This is Geraldo-Luc Picard once again. It seems as though our guests
        have cancelled out on us.

Cut back to the farm, where everyone is sitting around the dinner table.

Tambo: So, Data, tomorrow we will be harvesting the fields.

Data: But we just planted them yesterday...they wouldn't be ready tomorrow.

Amelda: No wonder the food tastes so bad.

Tambo, Amelda, and Utka all sigh and look down at their food.

Data: If I may, ah, suggest something.

Tambo: Go right ahead.

Data: Perhaps we could go into town tomorrow.

Data glances over at Utka, who is staring at him.

Amelda: Why should we go to town?

Data: I would like to try contacting the Enterprise.

Utka: But I thought you were going to stay with us???

Utka rubs her foot up and down on Data's leg as his eyes widen.
We cut to the Humdinger camp.

Stink'wad: Any more news on troops advancement?

Dawull: Well, we have hired an outside force that will infiltrate their ranks.

Stink'wad: And who would that be?

Dawull looks at his watch and pulls the Romulan aside just as a large shape
appears next to them.

Stink'wad: WHAT IS THAT??!!!

Dawull: It's a timelord.

Out of this tardis steps a man dressed in a leather jacket and long scarf.

Ace: Hello, I suppose is what I should say.

Stink'wad: What is your name, timelord?

Ace: No, timelord isn't my name, it is what I am. My name is Fuzzy Ace.

Stink'wad: What kind of stupid name is that?

Ace: It is my name, that's all.

Suddenly the tardis disappears.

Ace: Not again!!!

Dawull: What's wrong?

Ace: I can never keep that thing in one place. It always just up and leaves on
     me.

Dawull: Maybe you should have that checked.

Ace: That would have been funny if I hadn't heard the same gag in three sectors
     across the galaxy.

Stink'wad: Enough! You will begin the assignment tomorrow morning.

The Romulan exits as Ace sticks out his tongue.
Cut to the Enterprise slowly moving toward the planet.
Geordie turns around to look at Picard.

Geordie: Are we almost THERE yet??!!

Picard: Turn around, LaForge.

Geordie: Yes, sir. (swivels around in circles in his chair)

Riker and Worf enter from the turbolift.

Riker: You cheated!

Worf: Klingons never cheat!

Picard: Lost again, did ya Number Twelve?

Riker: Shut up!

Troi: Sir, I'm going to get something to eat.

Riker: Gee, what a surprise.

Troi: And just what is that supposed to mean?

Riker: Oh nothing.

Troi pinches her stomach and walks to the turbolift.

Picard: Ensign Nothing, how soon til we reach the planet?

Nothing: I dunno.

Picard: I see. Keep me posted.

Nothing: Aye, sir.

Ensign Nothing gets up and graps a handfull of Picard for Captain
posters and begins putting them up around the bridge.

Cut to the farm in the morning, there is a knock at the door.
Data comes running to it, wearing a postal uniform.
He opens the door to reveal Fuzzy Ace.

Ace: Howdy neighbor, interesting suit you got there.

Data: These are my pajamas. May I help you?

Ace: Can you spare a dime?

Data: A dime? (his pupils go back and forth) Ahh, old Earth coinage..I am sorry
      but I do not have...a dime.

Ace: It was just a joke.

Data looks upset, but soon regains his composure.

Data: So how may I TRULY help you, sir?

Ace: I've come to visit...(pauses to think)...Tambo.

Data: Ah...one moment please...TAMBO!!!!!!! (yells at top of his lungs)

Tambo comes down the steps and notices Fuzzy Ace...

Tambo: Who is this, Data?

Ace: I'm the Fuzzy Ace.

Tambo: Geez, Data, your developing a tan all of a sudden...did I ASK you???

Ace looks shocked.

Data: He only said he is here to see you.

Tambo: Alright, where do I know you from, sir?

Ace: We met on a train called the Midnight Express a few years ago.

Tambo: Wasn't that a movie?

Ace: Yes, it was a theme train.

Data: I was lead to believe that steam trains were no longer in usage.

Ace and Tambo: THEME TRAIN!

Data: Ah.

Tambo: I remember talking to someone...it might have been you.

Ace: Indeed it was. We played a game of chess.

Data: Chess? I am quite knowledgable in the field of chess.

Ace: Then perhaps we could play a game, sir.

Data: I graciously accept.

Cut to later on, just as Data checkmates Ace.

Data: I would have thought that after eleven straight three move defeats you
      would have noticed a pattern.

Ace: I just don't understand it. I'm usually better than this.

Data: At any rate, it has been an interesting series. I should like to do this
      again some time.

Ace: Agreed.

Data nods and walks away. Ace takes out a communicator and signals.

Ace: I have found Data and am ready to have troops enter.

Voice: Who is this? How dare you attack a Federation vessel!

Ace: Oops...wrong channel...(changes channel) I have found Data and am ready
     to have troops enter.

Stink'wad: Understood, ready to commence attack.

Cut to the Enterprise entering the planet's space.

Geordie: No sign of the ships, sir.

Picard: Then turn the game off and lets get ready to RUMBLE!!!!!!

Cut to the viewer, which is showing a game of battleship in progress. It
changes to a shot of a green planet.

ALL: HUH???!!!

Geordie: Just kidding. (changes image back to the blue planet)

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
Cut to the house, where a sudden phaserblast hits the door.
A series of stormtroopers enter and begin firing at will. Suddenly an
ominous black figure walks in. (no, not Farakhan)

Vader: Wait a minute... (looks around and motions for everyone to leave)

We hear another phaserbolt connecting somewhere else.

Tambo: That was a close one.

Amelda: I thought it would be the Humdingers.

A group of Humdingers enter.

Tambo(looks angrily at her): Happy?

Stink'wad enters and walks up to Tambo.

Stink'wad: Hi.

Cut to Utka crawling out a window and running to the other side of the house,
where she begins ringing a bell.

Dawull: What is that?

Stink'wad: Go check on it!

Dawull exits and goes around the house, where he only sees the bell. Utka
has gone to the barn.

Stink'wad: Where is Data?

Tambo(points to his computer): Still in the printer.

Stink'wad: I mean the android.

Tambo: I don't know what you are talking about.

Cut to the fields where a large group of Manynotes are converging toward the
house.

Stink'wad: Give him to us or you will die.

Data enters from the bathroom.

Data: Can't an android have a moments' peace??!!

Stink'wad: Ahhhh, the Federation's only android.

Data: Next to Nogura.

A loud sound of voices enters the room.

Stink'wad: Now what?

The Romulan grabs Data and puts a disruptor to his head as they all exit.
Outside it a HUGE crowd of Manynotes staring at the scene before them.

Stink'wad: What do you people want? There is nothing to see here. Please
           disperse. This man is a dangerous android. I've captured him.

Tambo: Do not trust him, he lies.

The crowd is looking back and forth at the people when they talk. (sorta like
watching a tennis match.

Data: He is a renegade Romulan. You see he works with the, ah, Humdingers.

They all look at the Humdingers, who are slowly backing up.

Stink'wad: This android must be disassembled.

Suddenly Johnny 5 rolls by.

Five: No disassemble!!!

Everyone watches Five roll away then look back at the scene.

Stink'wad: I must kill this android before he kills others.

Data suddenly breaks free from the Romulan and runs over to the crowd.

Data: What??!!! You're going to kill me in front of all these people??? You
      gonna kill this old man too??!!!

Data grabs and old man who suddenly clutches his chest and falls down.

Data: You gonna kill these kids??? Huh??!!!

The Romulan lowers his disruptor and considers. He raises it again.

Stink'wad: Yeah!

Data suddenly looks confused.

Data: Uhhhh, what I am getting at is that you can't kill all these people.

Stink'wad drops his weapon and sinks down to his knees.

Cut to the Enterprise, now being bombarded by the three ships.

Admirel McCoy walks on to the bridge.

McCoy: Oh, this is fun.

Worf: Sir, shields are failing.

Picard: This seems to happen to us a lot. Don't you think after being in so
        much danger all of the time they would give us stronger shields?

Cut back to the farm, where the Humdingers are being led out of the house.

Dawull: It doesn't matter that you have defeated us. Your ship will be blown
        to smithereens in a matter of seconds.

Data puts the disruptor to his head.

Data: Call them off.

Dawull looks down the barrel and flips open a communicator.

Cut to the bridge of the Enterprise. The firing suddenly stops and the ships
leave the area.

Picard: Now what?

Riker: I think I'm gonna go change my uniform.

Riker walks away with a wet spot on the front of his pants.

Data(voice only): Captain, I have forced the Humdingers to cease hostilities.
                  I am ready to beam aboard.

O'Brien(over intercom): Transporters are down. You'll have to use a
                        shuttlecraft.

Picard: We will pick you up in twenty minutes, Mr. Data.

Data: Hey, thank you, Cappy sir.

Cut back to the farm, where Utka confronts Data.

Utka: Do you have to go?

Data: Androids do not need to use the restroom.

Utka: I mean leave us...

Data: Yes, I do. I am committed to serving on board the Enterprise.

The shuttlecraft lands and Riker and Worf get out of it.

Riker: Well, Mr. Data, have you had a good time here?

Data: I am incapable of that emotion.

Riker: Yeah, whatever. (notices Utka and they embrace and kiss)

Worf: Well, lets go, you two.

Riker and Utka start towards the shuttle.

Worf: I mean you and Data.

Utka leaves Riker and the three of them get in the shuttlecraft.

Tambo: Goodbye, Data.

Data gets back out and shakes his hand.

Data: Goodbye, Tambo. You have been a good companion. And to you, Amelda, may
      your days be free of incident. And Utka, I will miss you. But I'll miss
      you most of all scarecrow!

Data embraces Scarecrow, then gets back inside the shuttlecraft. It begins to
hover above the ground and move north. Suddenly it runs into a birdhouse, that
falls to the ground. The shuttle shoots up into the sky.

Cut to the bridge of the Enterprise.

Picard: Well, Data, it seems as though you've had a successful mission on
        that planet...what was its name, anyway?

Fuzzy Ace comes in from the turbolift.

Ace: Its called Byzan Three.

Everyone turns to see the timelord standing at the back of the bridge.

Data: Fuzzy Ace. How did you get aboard the Enterprise?

Ace: I stowed away on your shuttlecraft.

Picard: Data, who is this person?

Ace: I am a timelord.

Picard: Did I ask you?

Ace shrugs.

Data: He is a timelord named Fuzzy Ace. He travels through time in a device
      called a Tardis. But it seems the tardis rarely returns when it is
      supposed to. Oh, and he is, ah, also real bad at chess.

Ace looks angry as Picard tells Worf to take him to a detention cell.

Picard: Well, it seems we have resumed peace here. We can go now...

Geordie: What course, sir?

Picard: Out there...(points off into space)

Geordie squints off into the darkness, shrugs, and plots a course.

Picard: Engage.

Cut to and exterior shot of the Big E warping away at Warp 9, and dragging the
planet with them.

THE END

Well, I hope you liked it. This one fits in between the original Bar Trek and
the Picard, Any Card story if I didn't say so already. Please tell me what you
thought about it, so as to encourage me to write more tales. Unti then...

Todd out....