From: bard@cutter.ssd.loral.com (J H Woodyatt)
Subject: Another lackluster flame from J H Woodyatt
Followup-To: alt.flame
X-Attribution: This flame inspired by _Cyrano_de_Bergerac_, by Edmond Rostand
Reply-To: bard@cutter.ssd.loral.com
Organization: Abiogenesis 4 Less
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 18:08:52 GMT

[Note Newsgroups and Followup-To lines.]

chaneysa@nextnet.csus.edu (Stephen A Chaney) writes:
# bard@cutter.ssd.loral.com writes:
# >chaneysa@nextnet.csus.edu (Stephen A Chaney) writes:
# ># I would like to know where the idea came from that laws are made
# ># simply because the majority decided something was wrong. [...]
# >
# >It came from thick-headed maroons like you who've deviated from Nature
# >and blasphemed against Holy Writ by denying the TRUTH of God's Laws as
# >handed down by God's Chozen Profits!!! [...]
# 
# This is a prime example of what humans evolved from. 

Oooh.  An evolution flame.  My favorite.

Mr. Chaney, you are too simple.  You could have crafted a flame that
would have been worth the bandwidth, but you jelled.  Why did you
waste your opportunity?

For example you might have written thusly --

AGGRESSIVE:  Sir, if I had to live in a mind as small as yours, I
would lobotomize myself -- on the spot!

FRIENDLY:  That brain disability must make it tough to get a job.
Maybe you can qualify for some kind of affirmative action program.

DESCRIPTIVE:  A dunce -- an idiot -- a nincompoop.  A nincompoop?
Nay, say rather, a chickenhead!

INQUISITIVE:  What happened?  Too much strychnine in the postage
stamps, or are you having another bout of aphasia?

KINDLY:  It's awfully nice of you to provide your opinions in this
forum -- it must be a welcome balance for the developmentally disabled
individuals here on the net who can sometimes feel intellectual
intimidated by the regular posters.

INSOLENT:  Mr. Woodyatt, don't try to think.  It only burns calories
better expended on more productive applications of your brain -- like
fattening it up for market.

CAUTIOUS:  Be careful -- your primitive nerve ganglia might overheat
at that rate.  You're running a risk of stroke and/or epilepsy.

THOUGHTFUL:  Hmmm.  If you could only rant like that for a few more
pages, I might be able to write a decent simulation algorithm for the
amusement of the net.

PEDANTIC:  Didn't Kafka write about your condition in _Metamorphosis_?
Amazing -- and I thought it was just speculative fiction.

FAMILIAR:  Ah, Mr. Woodskull, come to amuse us with the jerks and
twitches of your involuntary nervous system again?  Pull up a chair
and show the newbies your electroshock scars.

ELOQUENT:  When you write, the world shudders in disgust and the
people howl for your death with a din that can be heard literally
around the world.

DRAMATIC:  What prose! What character! Why -- you could write speeches
for Dan Quayle!  You're a SUPER GENIUS.

ENTERPRISING:  You could get work hawking for a topless club in
Tijuana with a wit like that.  Hope this helps :-)

LYRIC:  And he still hasn't found what he's looking for...

SIMPLE:  So how long has it been since you checked the fluid level in
your braincase?

RESPECTFUL:  Sir, I recognize in you, a man of simple mind and noble
ends...

RUSTIC:  You yabo!  Call that a flame?  Heh.  I got yer flame right
here, mate.

MILITARY:  Fire in the hole!

PRACTICAL:  Jam a popsicle stick into your chin, fill your mouth with
seed, and at least the birds will find some use for you...

Or if all else failed, you could have shamelessly borrowed from
classic literature...

These, Mr. Chaney, are all things you might have written had you the
invention, but you're a chump, a geek, a compleat toad, and you
deserve every bit of ridicule that comes your way.  Bite me, you hunka
hunka burnin' pseudo-intellectual illiterate cheezeweasel -- I ache
for every tender morsel of wit you throw my way.  I love you and want
to fertilize your egg sac.

-- 
J H Woodyatt (a.k.a. Dr. Strychnine)
Space Systems/Loral

...with sincere and humble apologies for the savagery I've committed
upon the memory of Edmond Rostand, but hey, at least I'm giving
credit.
Newsgroups: talk.abortion