From: kalki33!system@lakes.trenton.sc.us
Newsgroups: talk.origins
Subject: Chuck Darwin, man or beast?
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 92 22:22:28 EST
Reply-To: kalki33!system@lakes.trenton.sc.us
Organization: Kalki's Infoline BBS, Aiken, SC, USA


Excerpts from

The (Brilliant) Theory of Ablution by Natural Expectoration.

By Charles "Chuck" Darwin

I gazed upon the furrowed brow of my opponent, eagerly awaiting the
stream of bilious invective that was sure to come forth from his
trembling lips. Suddenly, and without any preparation, I was struck with
the most fulsome wonder that ever stained the human mind. Verily there
was no cause for it, and as I remember those days of endless longing for
greatness, though I am small, I cannot but marvel at the shriveled face
of he who had been my undoing. Without further digression, then, let me
begin the tale of how I developed my brilliant theory in the midst of
stupendous obstacles, yea, even in the face of that sea of truth, which
I dare not recall.

           ...................................

Collecting my wits about me, I struggled inhumanly with the very essence
of my glandular extremities. Caution was tossed to the wind as though it
were verity itself; and, after summoning forth all the powers of my
unmanned nature, within the small cavity of my gustation there began to
appear a reservoir, as it were, of froth. This primordial elixir quickly
became an ocean, welling up from the bowels of my sweltering hubris,
which I allow was none too healthy due to the natural weakness of the
Nitwit ancestors, (some of whom had been Jackels). Again I digress! Fie!
Fie, I say, and a good cut! The furious storm of my mouth was straining
to be unleashed, yet, using all the restraint at my command, I
hesitated, now reddening, now paling, all the while looking for that one
necessary element that would complete my theory.

         .....................................

In retrospect, and in due consideration of that onerous Macaw which once
so tormented my vanished esteem, it is clear, clear as with the clarity
of ancient spittle, that the method, nay, the sole device by which this
so oft forgotten remedy of the curious --I speak of the manifold
varieties of drool which can have no other explanation than that they
are naturally emerging through sufficient reason-- is the principal
motivation behind my brilliant theory of the ablutions of the nieces by
natural expectoration.

September 2, 1889

              ------------------------------

Publisher's note: As it is now known that Mr. Darwin subsequently
revised his brilliant theory and affixed a new title, we here offer this
record of some of his early researches in the hope that it may be the
cause of deeper understanding of the man and his intellectual
development. The revised brilliant theory, which appeared under the
title "(Brilliant) Theory of Absolution by National Expectoration," is
now a matter of historical fame.



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