From: nadel@attatash.aero.org (Miriam Nadel)
Subject: Re: But a Size 3?!?
Organization: /usr/lib/news/organization
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1992 23:44:38 GMT

In article <1992Oct1.173636.8493@netcom.com> shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller) writes:
>
[re: a talk show]

>On this show, they had couples where the man was badgering the woman about
>being too fat.  One man badgered his girlfriend about how she has a big
>derriere (he used a much more crass term) and commented on what she would
>eat.  Once they were out with friends, and he started giving her a hard
>time about the food on her plate, in front of everybody.
>
>The woman is a size 3.  She is 5'6" tall, and weighs 112.
>
Of course, it's appalling.  I question, though, the relevance of her size.  I
think it's pretty disgusting for someone to badger another person about their
appearance, what they eat, etc.. and all the more so in public.  Even if that
person doesn't meet the societal norms.

How many of us have had the experience of total strangers coming up to us in
the supermarket and commenting on what's in our cart?  I particularly love
it when they don't even have their facts straight about nutrition.  (Such as
the jerk who once pointed to my shopping cart and told me that I shouldn't
buy potatoes!)

I guess my point is that our culture considers it okay for people to mind
other people's business about all sorts of things.  Maybe it's worse here
in southern California what with all the show biz sorts.  And, of course, it
isn't limited to size - I know someone who had a blind date tell her she should
have a nose job.  Don't these people have *any* manners?

>I've been in a relationship where there was the same sort of issue of
>control.  I was told what to wear, what to spend, who to hang out with,
>and every little thing I did was criticized.  I couldn't cook right.  I
>didn't keep my house clean enough.  I wasn't well-enough educated.  On
>and on and on.  I contemplated suicide a number of times, because I
>felt I was just plain worthless.
>
This is the insidious thing about abuse.  And, face it, this is just as much
abuse as beating someone is.  I know you and you're *not* worthless.  You're
smart, handy (I wish I knew how to build stuff as well as you do and I'm
always impressed with your sewing skills), kind, friendly, attractive, etc.
etc.  I truly consider it evil that someone could feel such a need to
run you down.  I've seen similar things happen to a couple of other people
I know.  And it's horrible.  One of those people has pretty much recovered
but I saw a very charming, intelligent, witty, caring woman almost totally
destroyed during a one-year marriage and a good seven years before she
really had her self-esteem back.  The other friend was wounded more recently
and is just starting to heal.  

But it is possible to heal from experiences like this.  

>I'm still struggling with feelings of worthlessness.  I just don't care
>that much about what I eat, because I don't care that much about myself.
>All the negative tapes this person had been running over the 5 years we
>were together just keep running over and over in my head.  I *know* this
>is stupid, but there's this little voice inside of me that says "But what
>if he's right?"
>
It's hard to turn those voices off.  One thing I find helpful is to think
about how I'd react if someone else were telling me that they had those
feelings.  If a friend told me that she felt like she was a bad person 
because, say, she ate a whole container of Haagen Dasz, my reaction would be
"come on, that doesn't make you a bad person.  I'm sorry you couldn't think
of a better way to nurture yourself.  Next time you feel that bad, call me
and maybe we can think of a better way to handle it."  This sort of self-
conversation helps me forgive myself.  

>The problem is that instead of making me a better person, these tapes
>just cause me to give up.  I have given up striving.  I don't have any
>real goals, I don't feel I can achieve anything, and the one thing that
>is really pleasurable in my life is food.
>
>So I eat.

Of course these tapes don't make you a better person.  Nobody improves 
themselves out of that sort of message.  Surely at some time in your life
you had goals?  Can you remember back to your childhood, to something  you
really wanted to do and haven't had a chance to?  You *can* achieve whatever
you want to.  Come on - I know you've done things you weren't sure you'd be
able to, that you've had successes.  Find a goal.  

And don't worry about using food as a source of pleasure.  It may be
a crutch - but there's a danger in throwing out a crutch before you're
ready to.  You will eventually find healthy ways to nurture yourself and
you'll do so in your own time.  Find what pleasures you can, but forgive
yourself for not knowing better ways to take care of yourself for now.

Miriam Nadel

Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks