From: nagji@ntc02.tele.nokia.fi
Subject: Unanswered questions
Organization: Nokia Telecommunications.
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 19:18:41 GMT

I've posted this for someone. She, like her poem is very very special


Unanswered Questions
**************************

The hardest part
is not knowing why.
What happened?  Did I do something?
Did the Gods or Fate or Circumstance intervene
in some way that was obscured 
from my vision?
Or was I just wrong from the start?

I believed in my heart that you loved me.
You showed such genuine concern.
Your phone calls when I 
didn't respond soon enough, 
on a bad day.
The tape of all the love songs,
so sad, it made me cry, 
but interspersed with humor sketches,
because you never can be too serious 
for too long.
The letters, the stories, the teasing
the fun.
The way you said you wanted to know me
(I held nothing back.)
The way you said your feelings for
me would never change.
The way you said you had never felt like
this with anyone else before.
I believed you.
I believed in you.

Then suddenly, 
it was like you were a different person.
And with each passing day
I felt you distancing yourself from me.
I tried to get you talk about it.
But you lied
Said things were ok.
When it finally hurt too much
I showed you my pain.
Your explanation for your behavior I could
almost understand.
But you were asking me to go away, 
unable to tell me to.
So you had been trying to push me slowly, painfully.
Trying to force my hand.
I offered you space
and you took it.
I said I would be there 
if you needed me.
It hurt like hell to let you go.

You never even said goodbye.

I thought, in time you would
feel better.
Maybe even miss me.
But in the long days that passed,
I hurt for all the lack of caring you showed 
in those final days.
I had no one but you 
to talk to 
about us
And you were not there.
I could stand it no longer.
I cried out to you.
Said "I hurt" 
keenly
acutely

But you ignored me.

Did you not care anymore?
Was your love so shallow 
that it could be consumed 
within a few months?
Did I do something in the past 
that bothered you so much
that you stopped caring about me?
Did you fall in love with someone else?
Even with the passing months,
the unanswered questions haunted me.
I questioned the "rightness"
of the love I felt for you.
I questioned my ability
to judge character.

Then, unexpectedly, you were back.
And I was still hurting, 
not knowing how you felt now.
Afraid to ask.  
Wanting to know how you thought.
How your mind worked now.
Wanting to know if you were still
the same person 
I fell in love with.
The same person 
who fell in love with me.
Wanting you to see that I was still hurt.
That I needed some special care,
just for a little while
till I could learn 
to trust you again.
I asked questions.
But not the ones I really wanted to ask.
I asked about friendship.
I thought that was, perhaps, 
all we might have left.
You said "I think tolerance is one of the most important parts of friendship".
I remember that so clearly
because it was what you didn't have for me.
Nor compassion,
nor understanding.
I confessed that I was confused and
messed up.
I hadn't heard back from you all day.
(remember how you used to get so worried if I didn't respond by noon?)
I thought you might have changed your mind.

And your response was condescending
and hurtful.
Telling me I expected too much.
I didn't even know what you wanted from me.
I didn't know what you had left to give.
You never offered to tell me.
You never gave me a chance to find out.
You never gave me a chance to be a friend.
With the stroke of your fingers, 
over a few keys,
You dismissed me again.

And the questions still linger,
unanswered....
What was the thing 
that you did in your absence, 
which you will "have on your conscience forever?"
Did you sleep with her?  Was that it?
If you really cared.... why couldn't you just be honest with me?
Why could you not see my pain?
Why did you have so little compassion, so little empathy for me?
Did I ever do anything to deserve it?
Was it asking so much?  That you care about my feelings?
Would you give anything less to a friend?
Why could I not be just a friend
if nothing more for me was left in your heart?
Did you ever really care?
Did I imagine it all?

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