From: tyadav@athena.mit.edu (Tapesh Yadav)
Subject: Re: Friendships
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Distribution: na
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 21:02:39 GMT

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>>  Do you mean words/decisions 'about friends' are final? 
>>  I fail to understand you. Why should it be final?
>>  And what do you mean when you  say "final."
>>  Please elaborate. Perhaps, with an example.

 alok@cbnewsi.cb.att.com (alok.vijayvargia) replies:
>
>What I mean is that when a youngster under 18 is seeing some people
>who the parents think are not good influence for him/her, then that youngster
>should stop seeing these people. (Parents decision is Final).
 
 This "Parent decision is Final" assertion implies that the youngster 
	- disagrees with the parents 
	- or, doesn't understand the "why"
	- or, both.

 And the assertion: "some people who the parents think are not good influence
 		     for him/her, then..."
 implies: the youngster can be arbitrarily "influenced" by any irrational,
          depraved, "not good" environment. That, the kid can not think for
          itself what is right and what is wrong; what is good and what is
          bad. Aren't these just assumptions.

 Emotional mess is what can be expected from such assumptions and behavior.
 Why, one may wonder? For following reasons.

	- relationships are emotional experiences
	- humans are not binary switches

 Explanation follows.

 Relationships are, for youngsters and most adults, emotional experiences.
 To deny or suppress emotions is to destroy too much of an individual. It 
 is better to know and understand and evolve our emotions - for emotions are
 not irrational; nor are emotions without causes; instead, emotions evolve 
 with knowledge. To develop into a healthy, productive, happy 
 individual one needs to know, express and sustain what is natural 
 to oneself. Self knowledge, self expression, and self sustenance 
 doesn't come from avoiding knowledge or from avoiding curiosity; instead, 
 it results from exploring reality, plunging into wherever curiosity 
 beakons, getting near the dangerous fires of "influence." 
 To get baked, be prepared to get burnt. 
 Else, be prepared to live the life of soft clay - to be shaped, 
 conformed forever: into something thats not you. 

 Secondly, humans are not binary switches. Don't expect youngsters, or anyone
 for that matter, to start or stop like computers. Often messes up the 
 drive.

 What role can the parents play then? I think the best thing to do is to 
 ask your youngster to invite the so called "bad-influences" home. Then
 chat with them. Try to know them. Get your youngster's (or your own)
 prejudices straightened out. Serve facts and let the kid digest it.
 All this is much more complicated than working on binary switches. But, IMO,
 more productive and fair.

 I am tempted to add a twist to this discussion: if we recognise that
 in our complexities, each one of us is also a parent and a kid unto oneself,
 these discussions very much apply to those of us who are neither parents nor
 youngsters. And they apply to us, forever !!! Don't you think so?

 Isn't life delicious?

T.Y.
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tyadav@athena.mit.edu