From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ******SPOILER WARNING*******
Date: 6 Oct 92 17:57:05 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Yeeesh...  I definately have a lot to post about.  I've written a few letters
in the wee hours of the morning to relate, and I seem to have a shitload of
other stuff to say as well...  (I even just made a note of something to write
in a bit later.)

And Warning, all of this stuff hurts like hell to write, but I know that facing
it is the only way I'll get better.  I have to look at the image so many times
it stops hurting.  It's the only way I know how.  (Which is why I was glad that
"Sex Boy" (a play) came out a while back.  Even though I had to leave the
theatre early during many shows, I was able to cope better because I forced
myself to sit through the entire show.  (Lots of raw emotion, ending in a
suicide.)

That, and this is going to be another one of those long letters... Three days
worth...  But first, the standard:

          ******** SPOILER WARNING *********

on a line by itself, and on we go to the first letter...

---

Hiho,  This is another letter written at 1am.  Don't know who I'll give it to,
probably the ASAR's...

Damn.  My pain feels so real, yet when I think about it, it seems to
inconsequential.  When I'm in a good mood, I don't even beleive I was in pain
over the memories.  Only I remember being in pain.  I just don't understand
*WHY*!

I don't know why my heart rules so many if my emotions, or why the well of
emotion doesn't bleed off.

I wish I knew how to do it...

I can't just let go and enjoy life.  I don't know *HOW*.  When I try to read a
good book, I find myself distracted.  [ by the emotional problems ]

And when a new focus comes along, my emotions merely transfer to the new
person.  (Well, not completely true...  As many people have observed, no two
loves are [quite] the same...)

Heh.  Heh.  For some reason I (sarcasticlly) think I should hand copies of all
this stuff I've posted on ASAR, and hand it to whoever I date next...  :\

The Net's definately rubbing off onto me, I even use the smiley's [ :) ] and
*'s in my handwritten letters.

But does any of this shit even fit into ASAR?  Does ASAR actually neeed someone
who (legally) qualifies as a child moleser (Even if I don't feel as if I am
one...) ???  I've been told (via Email) that I've become one of the major
posters here.  I've been told thanks for posting.  But am I preventing someone
else from comming forth who needs help, moreso than I with my figmantary
problems?

More stuff wants to come forth, but it refuses to solidify in my brain, and
defies being written down.  Perhaps later.

(6am) Later - I guess not.  Maybe by the time I post this, another thought will
crystalize.

---

End of first letter.  Onto second letter.

---

To ASAR's or whoever --

I feel like I'm losing my brain as usual.

Darlene and I definately have emotions fbetween us.  (As we agreed earlier
today, after forcing outselves to get out of each others arms...)

Darlene, what are we going to do?  Do you take the initiative to control the
dismanteling of your glass house, or will it just fall apart in time (if it's
not held together via terror of the guy with the guns...)

[Ed Note:  The glass house anology is hers.  The observation of the terror is a
reference to the guy who she is living about.  My wording, not hers.]

Shit, I was shaking yesterday because of the confusing emotions in me.  Then I
had to try to play the role of "hero" and attempt to lock up those 5
handguns...  (Or was it 6?  I'm not sure...)  A suicidal idiot trying to deal
with handguns while being swamped with conflicting emotions and...
Shit.  I feel like a fool.

Right now I just need a friend.  I want more, but need to streighten myself out
first.  Hopefully you can figure out what you want to happen -- and make it
happen -- meanwhile.

Christ, my innards havent settled from earlier today!

And I am glad you called a halt to things earlier.  It means you are set on you
and John making it, or failing based on that relationship alone.  Beleive it or
not, I do NOT want you to leave him for me.  (I do want more than a friendship,
but when you're single...)  :)


At least I'm *NOT* suicidal as I write this.  Merely confused as all hell!

I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to mail copies of these letters off to
Pat?  (My Psychologist)

I don't know if I write this yet, but I no longer have access to the handguns.
It's locked up, and by the time I get home and type this in, I'll never have
access to it again.  (The account closed for the year.  Next year my boss
decided we won't accept the contract.)

---

End of Second letter.  Onto current thoughts and feelings...

Christ, my innards are in a turmoil.  I have trouble thinking streight it
seems...  Tonight was my first night off in 2 weeks, so I took it and went off
to see some friends.  This was the first time (I realized while I was there)
that I actually LAUGHED and MEANT IT in a few weeks.  It felt good, and
extremely discomfortable at the same time...  Can't really explain it.

Oh hell, I don't know what else to say, so I won't...

Krikket

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