From: moh2@quads.uchicago.edu (Kateri/Mary Anne)
Subject: Re: Perfect Families
Reply-To: moh2@midway.uchicago.edu
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 20:35:42 GMT

In article <1992Jul30.185807.8868@pasteur.Berkeley.EDU> sahai@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Anant Sahai) writes:

> Based on my experience, I would maintain that Most Indian families in
>the US ACTUALLY do not have that many problems. I know that out of my
>very close circle of friends, everybody has basically a very nice
>family life. No divorce, no substance abuse, no abuse. I think this is
>just a consequence of the type of Indians that are generally in the
>U.S. Mostly we consist of Engineers and Doctors from very nice
>families. Couple that to a pretty strong value system and you end up
>with pretty nice families.

I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree.  It's possible, I suppose, that
you have not met any Indian families with problems.  I'm amazed, but
it's possible.  But I'd like to provide evidence to the contrary,
without naming names or causing embarassment to my family and their
friends.

Among my family and their friends, *all* of whom have at least one
doctor or engineer as a primary support, I have witnessed or been told
of:

-2 cases of wife-beating (one so severe that she died of it; and in the
other he beat their 3-yr-old son as well until her brother stepped in.
He *didn't* step in to help her because what went on between her and
her husband was none of his business!)
-1 case of sexual assault of a 13-yr-old girl by a trusted, *doctor*
friend of the family (she still hasn't told her parents because she's
afraid of what they'll say; she's 21 yrs old now)
-3 drunken husbands (luckily they don't beat anybody...they just sit
around after work in bars before stumbling home around midnight)
-1 nervous breakdown (severe enough that the wife and children went
back to live with her parents because he couldn't support them anymore
in the high style they had gotten used to while keeping up with the
Indian neighbors)
-1 divorce (after an arranged marriage)

Not to mention all the cases where children are shamed, guilt-tripped,
and otherwise emotionally manipulated so that they feel they must
succeed and uphold the "family virtues" that seem so important, at the
expense of their own healthy lives.

>I don't deny that there are some "fronts" put up. Why would any family
>tell you their problems if they have NO really good reason to trust
>you? I just don't want people to think that just because they don't
>hear about problems, the problems must be being covered up. It is also
>possible that the problems simply are not there.

Not bloody likely.

Sorry if I got a little agitated, but the implication that we *are*
perfect really, really frustrates me.  We're human, dammit.  We make
mistakes, just like everybody else.  Our way of life is no better than
anybody else's, and it may be a good deal worse.

And by the way, all of the families mentioned above are extremely
conservative Indian families - *not* overly Americanized like me. :-)

>Anant

 - Amirthi

-- 
The autumn leaves are falling like rain.
Although my neighbors are all barbarians,
And you, you are a thousand miles away,
There are always two cups at my table.		 - A T'ang Dynasty poem