From: clc@festival.ed.ac.uk (God)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Re: My eyes
Date: 12 Oct 92 08:04:01 GMT
Reply-To: clc@festival.ed.ac.uk (God)
Organization: One of "The One and Only God"s


In article <BLS101.92Oct12140518@deakin.anu.edu.au>, bls101@deakin.anu.edu.au
(The New, Improved Brian Scearce) writes:
> When I die and go to Heaven I intend to have some pretty serious words with
> God about the eyes he saw fit to bestow on me.  To put it simply they don't
> work properly.  To go into details:

I hereby claim that God cannot be possibly guilty of this. It's been all
a plot by Satan, [insert the usual bullshit God writes about Satan].
As an evidence of this, God's eyes are not much better.

Let's see some details of God's eyes now.

1. Thanks to Satan, the eyeball of the left-hand one has been focussing
   images in the only place of the retina which can't possibly make use of
   them. This means that for years God Himself has had one eye only. And
   a short-sighted one, at that.

2. After long sufference, I eventually managed to get the use of the second
   eye, by some sort of forcing the eyeball into the right position, and it
   turns out that it can see even less than the other one.

3. After 19 years of wearing glasses, and having to change them three to
   four times a year (yes, 3 to 4, that wasn't a typo), my eyesight is now
   slightly more stable - it's been almost one year since I last changed a
   lens.

4. I'd have liked to use contact lenses, after everybody told me how they
   would be better. Last time I had an eye test I asked if I could have a
   prescription for contact lenses. The answer has been: "Yes, ok, if you
   really want to... I'd advise not to use them, but, yes, here it is".
   Then I tried to have those lenses built for me. Two shops answered,
   after seeing the prescription: "We don't really do such things; in any
   case, even if we did, it is almost impossible that your eye could get
   used to them. They are simply too strong". I had to give up eventually.

4'. At least there is an antipeeve. Two shops refused to build the lenses
   rather than getting paid huge amounts of money for them, even if I
   would end up not using them. Sounds like they have been honest. Hmmm,
   there must be something else.

5. I decided that I am tired of this. Now I only use the glasses to work,
   or when I need to actually see what I am doing. In all the other cases,
   I just do without. And, yes, I have a white stick to match :-)

> o If I want to permanently fix my eyes it's going to cost me several
>   thousand dollars and involve letting some maniac burn off the surface of 
>   my eyeballs with a laser.

Count yourself lucky. I couldn't fix them even if I wanted to and I had the
money to.

> Hey booter, where can I get one of those Icthus fishes with feet and Darwin
> written underneath?  This God guy has got to go!  

Look, I am in a good mood today, but remember that "I the Lord am a jealous
God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the childrens into the third
and fourth generation of them that hate me" (Deuteromony, 5:9).

> Cruc-if-y him! Cruc-if-y him!

Somebody has already tried this. Come to think of this, it's been a couple
of millennia since I have heard of my Son.

> !Peeve:  The new production of Jesus Christ Superstar.  Where do I get my
> "I love Judas" T-shirt?

I'd be interested to know. I have a couple of spare ObZOTs to send down.

--
God
Newsgroups: alt.peeves