From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: Religion and a Denial System
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 04:29:36 GMT

In article <1iftlfINNfgt@flash.pax.tpa.com.au> anon.95@pax.tpa.com.au writes:
[....] 
>
>Comments would be welcomed from anyone, although if you don't mind I've
>already heard plenty of "yes, they're all evil fundy mentalists who are
>responsible for all that's wrong with the world." These are good people,
>but I wonder...

I'm not going to say that, but I wonder if you'd be better off with some
other kind of Christian. You're not the only one who's posted here about
the emotional numbness in some Christian groups. (I'm sorry, but I can't
remember if the other one was involved with evangelicals.) 
>
>Faking it til you make it...
>Talking about feelings you had (instead of feelings you have)...

Interesting point--I know I'm much better at talking about past feelings
than present ones.

>Denial=control=lack of self-esteem=ego power=compulsive behavior=
>  hurting and hiding...
>and lots of other things...
>
>Am I running into trouble because I'm surrounding myself with remote
>people who never want to get below the surface because they are
>unwilling to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy?
>
>*If* this is true (and there's much more I could say, but it's so hard to put
>it into words; it fits though), then can someone help answer these questions:
>
>a) Who do you trust, with secrets or anything? I mean, if they're in denial
>about their own feelings, even if they give me good advice they (meaning
>potential friends) will never let down their guard, so how can we build
>trust?
>
>b) Do people who are in denial not share? I.E. maybe no one's close to
>anyone. Or am I screwed up because I want to share at a deep level with
>people?
>
>Click. I think one of the reasons I'm so mad at them is because I feel the
>"remote-niks" are like my dad. Or maybe I'm mad because they're not
>smotheringly abusive like my mother. Or...?

Maybe the first is also why you keep hanging around them? 
>
>c) Where are all the healthy evangelical Christians? I mean, there have to

Maybe you should look at the history of the evangelicals--there might be
an actual organizational split between the groups in denial and the ones
that aren't in denial. The people who you want might be going under some
name other than "evangelical", but still believe in the same doctrines
you do. 

>be *some*. But that question makes me wonder if they're all fine and it's
>healthy for them to avoid someone like me. No. Jesus didn't come for the
>healthy, He came to heal the sick and set the captive free. We're supposed
>to be Christ's presence in the world now. Without being codependent, we
>need to be willing to reach out to others, and that includes fostering an
>attitude that it's ok to need help (excuse the theological ramblings).
>
I've been interested in how thoroughly Christianity has gone from an
outsider religion to an insider religion.

>d) Am I making myself sicker by going to church meetings and pretending
>everything is all right and making small talk and all when everything is
>not all right?  Why isn't there anyone I feel I can share with?
>
I think that pretending that everything is alright when it isn't is
pretty dangerous--I don't recommend it unless there's some urgent
pragmatic reason for doing so, and even then it's chancy. 

>I'm very confused. Please excuse if this is all an unholy (hah!) mess;
>I'm trying to be healthy. BTW, this isn't all the fault of others. I've
>covered up quite well. Of course, when I have shared in the past, I've felt
>2' tall afterwards, getting the "of course we care, don't bother me" look,
>and feeling like I should have worked this al out years ago.
>
I wonder if there are any Christian groups on the net where you'd get
a decent hearing. I bet that you're not the only one who'd like more
emotional connection and compassion. 
>
Nancy Lebovitz

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery