From: fsacp@acad3.alaska.edu
Subject: Re-Introduction Possible Spoilers *LONG* (Jay)
Organization: University of Alaska Fairbanks
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 00:32:18 GMT

It's been a while since anyone who know me has heard from me...

I've been reading and posting to ASAR for around 8 months or so probably
longer, and it's amazing how many people are here that I don't know.  For those
of you that dob't know me, let me introduce myself (sorry to the people who do
know me and already have heard this stuff)

   ***********  POSSIBLE SPOILERS *************

I've been in recovery for somewhere around 6 or 7 years now.  My process of
recovery changes every day, I'm working on a past that included 17 years of
sexual abuse by a neighbor (make that 17.5), and about 3 or 4 years on top of
that by my oldest brother.  I've been raped many times.

I've also just really recently come to realize that I was verbally and
emotionally abused when I was growing up.  Well right now my inner child is
coming out more and more, she's rebellious and it scares the shit out of me.

I'm married to a Viet Nam vet who is also a survivor, and am working on dealing
with that too!

Right now I'm at a point where the inner child that peeks through is a scared
one, one that is afraid to ask for what she wants or feels she needs, but she's
also learning.

I get the urges to call the guy that abused me for 17.5 years, because he was
the person I turned to in crisis or whenever I needed something.  It's almost
as though he understands me and that freaks me out.

There are times when I wonder if I really belong on this earth and think that
I'd be better off dead, but then I look at my 8.5 month old son and realize for
his sake that I need to keep on keeping on.

I can relate to those of you that have trouble in sex, when I do have sex I
tend to have flashbacks, but then again my husband is 44 and I'm 24 so that may
have something to do with it, I'm not sure yet.  I do notice that when I'm with
a woman sexually (I'm bisexual) I don't have as many flashbacks, I haven't
uncovered whether my mom abused me sexually or not, I know she abused me
emotionally very much, always telling me I can't do anything right and that I
needed to be 'taken care of' (that's what she told my husband before we got
married), she even told my husband that she hopes that I am able to stay
married for another year at least!  Boy what fucking confidence she has in me!

I was unexpected, when I was born and believe me my parents have let me know
that!  Especially my mother, everything was always too much trouble when it
came to doing things for me.

Shit when they found out I was abused, they told me (well mainly my mom) I was
lying to get attention and then she called me a Slut!
Well after that happened and I was in and out of counselors because my parents
didn't wnt to dish out the money, I went back to my abuser!  At least there he
respected me (or did he).  I can remember my mother telling my father that she
was 51 (I think that's how old she was at that point) years old and didn't want
some shrink examining her head!  I have a very good suspicion that the reason
why she didn't want this to happen was because she was afraid the shrink would
discover that she had been abusing me (or had been abused herself), and of
course we couldn't have that!

Anyways sorry this is soo long, I guess I needed to talk more then I thought I
did!

Jay