From: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Subject: Inquisitor quotes
Reply-To: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Organization: Ministry of Silly Walks
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 21:21:42 GMT

  Well, with break almost upon us I had some free time.  There were no loud
roommates, and nothing to distract me.  So I'm pretty sure of this one.  I
marked the only sentance that was too scrambled by the background noise to
understand.

  the main reason I did this was because the people upstairs dropped by and gave
me a sample of their mutton vindaloo.  How can anybody eat mutton vindaloo and
not watch DNA?  One thing led to another, and before I knew it I was watching
The Inquisitor.

  Oh yeah, the last six lines are a bit of a spoiler.

Inq:    Who is to be first?
Rimmer (and Cat?): Lister.
Inq:    The hologram.  You shall be first.
Rimmer: Pardon? Sir?
Inq:    You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life.
        Tell me, what have you done to deserve this superb bit of good 
        fortune?
Rimmer: Well, I say this with the higherst respect, but, what gives you
        the right to ask, no actually to demand that answer of me, your
        magnificence? (bows)
Inq:    All must answer to the inquisitor.
Rimmer: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
Inq:    Because, like all who stand before the inquisitor, your judge
        shall be (lifts visor) yourself.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Inq:    Oh smeg indeed, matey.
Rimmer: Everyone is judged by their own self?
Inq:    It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.  Now
        then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well, first I . . .
Inq:    Liar!
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inq:    No you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inq:    No you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life.
Inq:    When?
Rimmer: (pause) Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the archangel
        Gabriel.  Well, that's me converted.  I'm a new man.  Haleluia.
Inq:    You are a slimy, dispicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a
        man, aren't you?
Rimmer: Well, sort of, yes.
Inq:    So then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military
        failure.  My mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had
        all the looks and talent.  What did I have?  Unmanageable hair and
        ingrowing toenails.  yes, I admit I am nothing, but from where I
        started, nothing is up.
Cat:    Hi buddy.
Inq:    This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel.  There can't be
        no favors.
Cat:    I'm hearing you on FM.
Inq:    I have to ask the question.  Justify your existence.  What
        contributions have you made?
Cat:    I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beutiful
        ass.
Inq:    Well, that's true.
Cat:    Can I go now?
Inq:    That's your case?
Cat:    You need more?
Inq:    Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat:    Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a
        great ass.
Inq:    You astonish even me.
Cat:    Thank you.
Inq:    Well, Kryten, justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure that I can.
Inq:    But surely your life is replete with good works.  there can be few
        individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good
        works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of binary
        commands I am compelled to obey.
Inq:    Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and
        conduct his own life according to a set of values he arrived at
        independantly.
Inq:    Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inq:    Do you wish to be erased?
Kryten: Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.
Inq:    In a human this behavior would be considered stubborn.
Kryten: But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place
        to judge them.  I wonder why you do.
Inq:    (Closes visor) Enough. (opens visor) Well, get out of this one,
        smeg head.
Lister: What are you talking about?
Inq:    You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried.
        What you could've become.
Lister: So?
Inq:    You've got brains, man, ones you've never used.
Lister: So?
Inq:    So, justify yourself.
Lister: Spin on it.
Inq:    The inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.  two of you
        have failed to become that which you might so easily have been.
        You have lived without merit, so lock in deGaul.(*)
Lister: You scum!  You wiped them out!
Kryten: Sir.
Lister: He's crazy, Kryten.  He's erased the cat and Rimmer.
Inq:    They are quite safe.
Kryten: Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.
Lister: Oh.

(*) As I find it unlikely the inquisitor would be concerned with the Paris
airport, I suspect that this is wrong.  I listened to it eight or nine times,
and couldn't make it out though.  Since the inquisitor has no lips, I can't
figure it out.


 |  __L__
-|-  ___  Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub
 |  | o | kv07@iastate.edu
 |/ `---' Iowa State University
/|   ___  Math Department
 |  |___| 400 Carver Hall
 |  |___| Ames, IA  50011
 J  _____
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