From: rockwell@socrates.umd.edu (Raul Deluth Miller-Rockwell)
Subject: Re: hello
Organization: Traveller
Distribution: usa
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1992 22:43:15 GMT

Jerry Russell:
   I just hate rejection.  My biggest problem is, I seldom have the
   slightest clue as to why it happens to me.  People just clam up and
   disappear.  Is it because I'm atheist/pantheist, or just didn't
   wear enough deodorant?  When I was single it used to drive me nuts.

Maybe they had something else occupying their thoughts?  I think
[personally] that polyamory implies a willingness to back off as much
as it implies a willingness to go forwards.  Rejection may indeed mean
that there's some kind of problem involving you, and maybe the problem
is so severe that you won't be able to talk it over with the people
concerned, but...  but... you really do NOT want to have any kind of
relationship if there's problems between the concerned parties so
severe that the only way of dealing is running away.

If you want a polyamorous relationship, try for one based on affection
and honesty, rather than one based on distaste and deception.  Trust
me on this, a relationship is really a lot more fun where it's wide
open.  [Honest, ...]

   Still, I think dealing with rejection at the hands of polyamorous
   women would be an ESPECIALLY terrible experience for me.  According
   to their world-view, it would be OK for them to love me if they
   wanted.  So a rejection would be specifically stating to me that
   I'm somehow not attractive or fun to be with.  This would be a
   blow!

Er... not exactly.  I think you're assuming a lot about somebody you
haven't even met yet.  Ladies and gentlemen who deal out biting
rejections are not the sort that are fun to have in a poly
relationship.  And, a rejection may mean simply that there isn't
enough common ground between you.

   I find myself fantasizing about the day-to-day life of the
   polyamorous.  At the moment I just can't picture myself actually
   doing it.  I imagine it would involve doing things like going to
   various clubs & events, talking to women in classes, flirting a
   lot, asking for lunch dates and then weekend jaunts; and then the
   question, "your place or mine?"  And playful discussions about
   monogamy, commitment, etc.  and the teasing revelation that, though
   acting a lot like a single guy, "I'm married and poly*; aren't
   you?"  Is this the picture, or have I got the wrong idea
   completely?

Um.. I'm sure there's people who live this way.  I don't.  For me,
being poly means being able to express the affection I feel without
being afraid that it's inappropriate.  It's taking criticisms of other
people with a few grains of salt.  It's defusing reactions where a
person I love thinks I'm asking something that I'm not.

Not that these are "hard and fast rules".  I'll stand around and
listen at least as often as I'll go out of my way to talk to someone.

I dunno.. mostly, being poly means I can have a lot of friends.  I
don't tease, though.  [Well, unless with a good friend who knows that
all that it takes to stop me from teasing is a word.]

   I'm not sure how my wife would feel.  I'm not sure I could do it
   without feeling ridiculous or looking ridiculous.  It would be so
   much more sensible to just stay home.

If you've a reluctance towards doing something, maybe you ought to
consider that your reluctance is well founded.  There's plenty of ways
of messing up.  One of the biggest is *forcing* your views on another
person, who's not ready for them.

By all means, let your wife in on this.  Let her know that you'll be
faithful to her.  Let her know what you're feeling.  Find out what
she's feeling.  Love with her, not against her.

Most of all, remember that expressing warmth and comfort doesn't have
to mean anything negative.  Flirting needn't be all that aggressive,
and needn't be threatening.

-- 
Raul Deluth Miller-Rockwell                   <rockwell@socrates.umd.edu>