From: z_arthurjk@ccsvax.sfasu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: *** Offensive Limericks ***
Date: 20 Nov 92 15:18:26 CST
Distribution: usa
Organization: Stephen F. Austin State University

In article <BxM7o1.34D@max.physics.sunysb.edu>, swongta@csws17.ic.sunysb.edu () writes:
> 
> 
> A bather whose clothing was strewed
> By breezes that left her quite nude,
> 	Saw a man come along
> 	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
> You expected this line to be lewd.
> 
> 
> A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
> I am not I, I'm a tree."
> 	But another, more sane,
> 	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
> And covered his pants leg with pee.
> 
> 
> A mathematician named Hall
> Has a hexahedronical ball,
> 	And the cube of its weight
> 	Times his pecker's, plus eight
> Is his phone number -- give him a call..
> 
> 
> Once sat herself down on a molehill.
> 	A curious mole
> 	Nosed into her hole --
> Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
> 
> 
> A pretty young maiden from France
> Decided she'd "just take a chance."
> 	She let herself go
> 	For an hour or so
> And now all her sisters are aunts.
> 
> 
> A remarkable race are the Persians;
> They have such peculiar diversions.
> 	They make love the whole day
> 	In the usual way
> And save up the nights for perversions.
> 
> 
> A team playing baseball in Dallas
> Called the umpire blind out of malice.
> 	While this worthy had fits
> 	The team made eight hits
> And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
> 
> 
> A wanton young lady from Wimley
> Reproached for not acting quite primly
> 	Said, "Heavens above!
> 	I know sex isn't love,
> But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
> 
> 
> A wanton young lady from Wimley
> Reproached for not acting quite primly
> 	Said, "Heavens above!
> 	I know sex isn't love,
> But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
> 
> 
> A widow who fancied a man some
> Was diddled three times in a hansome.
> 	When she clamored for more
> 	Her young man became sore
> And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
> 
> 
> A worried young man from Stamboul
> Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
> 	Said the doctor, a cynic,
> 	"Get out of my clinic;
> Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
> 
> 
> An architect fellow named Yoric
> Could, when feeling euphoric,
> 	Display for selection
> 	Three kinds of erection --
> Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
> 
> 
> He hated to mend, so young Ned
> Called in a cute neighbor instead.
> 	Her husband said, "Vi,
> 	When you stitched up his torn fly,
> Did you have to bite off the thread?"
> 
> 
> In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
> Massaging the bust of his madam,
> 	He chuckled with mirth,
> 	For he knew that on earth,
> There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
> 
> 
> Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
> "My favorite sport is coitus."
> 	But a fullback from State
> 	Made her period late,
> And now she has athlete's fetus
> 
> 
> Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
> Whose virtue was largely a myth,
> 	"Try as hard as I can,
> 	I can't find a man
> That it's fun to be virtuous with."
> 
> 
> My back aches, my pussy is sore;
> I simply can't fuck any more;
> 	I'm covered with sweat,
> 	And you haven't come yet,
> And my God, it's a quarter to four!
> 
> 
> There once was a couple named Kelley,
> Who lived their life belly to belly.
> 	Because in their haste
> 	They used Library Paste,
> Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
> 
> 
> There once was a freshman named Lin,
> Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
> 	A virgin named Joan
> 	From a bible belt home,
> Said "This won't be much of a sin."
> 
> 
> There once was a hacker named Ken
> Who inherited truckloads of Yen
> 	So he built him some chicks
> 	Of silicon chips
> And hasn't been heard from since then.
> 
> 
> There once was a lady from Exeter,
> So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
> 	One was even so brave
> 	As to take out and wave
> The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
> 
> 
> There once was a plumber from Leigh,
> Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
> 	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
> 	I think someone's coming!"
> Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
> 
> 
> There once was a queen of Bulgaria
> Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
> 	Till a prince from Peru
> 	Who came up for a screw
> Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
> 
> 
> There once was a Scot named McAmeter
> With a tool of prodigious diameter.
> 	It was not the size
> 	That cause such surprise;
> 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
> 
> 
> There once was a young man named Gene
> Who invented a screwing machine
> 	Concave and convex
> 	It served either sex
> And it played with itself in between.
> 
> 
> There was a bluestocking in Florence
> Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
> 	Till a Spanish grandee,
> 	Got her off with his knee,
> And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
> 
> 
> There was a gay countess of Bray,
> And you may think it odd when I say,
> 	That in spite of high station,
> 	Rank and education,
> She always spelled cunt with a "k".
> 
> 
> There was a young fellow named Bliss
> Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
> 	For even with Venus
> 	His recalcitrant penis
> Would never do better than t
> 			   h
> 			   i
> 			   s
> 			   .
> 
> 
> There was a young girl from Hong Kong
> Whose cervical cap was a gong.
> 	She said with a yell,
> 	As a shot rang her bell,
> "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
> 
> 
> There was a young girl named Sapphire
> Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
> 	She said, "It's a sin,
> 	But now that it's in,
> Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
> 
> 
> There was a young girl of Angina
> Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
> 	From the love-making frock
> 	(With the proper sized cock)
> Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
> 
> 
> There was a young girl of Darjeeling
> Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
> 	There was never a sound
> 	For miles around
> Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
> 
> 
> There was a young lad name of Durcan
> Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
> 	His father said, "Durcan!
> 	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
> Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
> 
> 
> There was a young lady from Maine
> Who claimed she had men on her brain.
> 	But you knew from the view,
> 	As her abdomen grew,
> It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
> 
> 
> There was a young lady named Clair
> Who possessed a magnificent pair;
> 	At least so I thought
> 	Till I saw one get caught
> On a thorn, and begin losing air.
> 
> 
> There was a young lady named Hall,
> Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
> 	The dress caught on fire
> 	And burned her entire
> Front page, sporting section, and all.
> 
> 
> There was a young lady named Twiss
> Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
> 	For it tickled her bum
> 	And caused her to come
> .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
> 
> 
> There was a young lady of Norway
> Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
> 	She said to her beau
> 	"Just look at me Joe
> I think I've discovered one more way."
> 
> 
> There was a young man from Bel-Aire
> Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
> 	But the banister broke
> 	So he doubled his stroke
> And finished her off in mid-air.
> 
> 
> There was a young man named Crockett
> Whose balls got caught in a socket.
> 	His wife was a bitch,
> 	And she threw the switch,
> As Crockett went off like a rocket.
> 
> 
> There was a young man of Cape Horn
> Who wished he had never been born,
> 	And he wouldn't have been
> 	If his father had seen
> That the end of the rubber was torn.
> 
> 
> There was a young man of St. John's
> Who wanted to bugger the swans.
> 	But the loyal hall porter
> 	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
> Those birds are reserved for the dons."
> 
> 
> There was a young whore from kaloo
> Who filled her vagina with glue.
> 	She said with a grin,
> 	"If they pay to get in,
> They can pay to get out again too!"
> 
> 
> There was an old man of the port
> Whose prick was remarkably short.
> 	When he got into bed,
> 	The old woman said,
> "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
> 
> 
> There was an old pirate named Bates
> Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
> 	He fell on his cutlass
> 	Which rendered him nutless
> And practically useless on dates.
> 
> 
Well, I had some more but I forgot them. Sorry.

Newsgroups: rec.humor