HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 93 4:30:15 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: JX655C@gwuvm.gwu.edu ( PJ Geraghty)
Subject: Disgusting thoughts in an ambulance
Keywords: chuckle, sexual

We recently had a patient who, due to respiratory difficulties, needed an
endotracheal tube placed.  These tubes range in size from 2-9mm, and are used
according to a person's trachea size.  Normal adults take about a 7-7.5mm
tube.  Our recent patient took an 8.5mm tube, which made my partner wonder if
possibly the guy had a similarly-equipped daughter.  Could be a great date...

---
PJ Geraghty, FF2/NR/MDEMT-P          
5020 Battery Lane                   
Bethesda, MD 20814        (SnailMail) 
301-652-0077/301-409-0648 (Telephone)
JX655C@GWUVM.GWU.EDU       (InterNet)
CG071@CLEVELAND.FREENET.EDU (FreeNet)

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Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 19:30:10 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: boblet@hpoedpd.sj.hp.com (Darwin Boblet)
Subject: Management Humor.
Keywords: smirk, sexual, heard it

.... circulating through HP. 11/05/92

 
 An HP Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married
 eight times.  On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still
 a virgin.  This puzzled the Marketing Manager, since after eight marriages he
 thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He
 asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.  Her comments were as follows:
 
   'My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
   telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"
 
   My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
   it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
 
   My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
   was diagnostically "OK", but he just couldn't get the system up.
 
   My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, "Those
   who can... do; whose who can't... teach."
 
   My fifth husband was from SRDO who said that he had the orders, but he
   wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
 
   My sixth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
   process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
   state-of-the-art method.
 
   My seventh husband was from Finance & Administration.  His comments were
   that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
 
   My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was
   up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.'
 
 The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
 Marketing."  The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have
 the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!"

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From: john@wpi.wpi.edu (John Stoffel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Woody Allen's Girls...
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 28 Jan 93 17:20:04 GMT


Heard this from folk singer Christine Lavin at her concert in Amherst,
MA Saturday, Jan 23.


Did you hear that Woody Allen's girlfriend is pregnant with his next
girlfriend? 

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Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.

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Date: Sat, 23 Jan 93 19:30:22 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: leitm@essex.ac.uk (Leith M F)
Subject: Fun with the Servants
Keywords: smirk

Lady Crumpette called her butler, Jeeves, up to her room one evening.
"What can I do for you, madam ?"
"Come here, and take off my cardigan, Jeeves" she said commandingly. 
"Certainly, madam".  Geeves removed Lady Crumpette's cardigan.
"Now take off my blouse"
"Certainly madam"
"Now take off my skirt, Jeeves"
"Cert-"
"Now take off my slip"
"Certainly madam"
"Now Jeeves, go away, and DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES AGAIN!"

Mig.

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From: wcf@gnv.ifas.ufl.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Need retirement jokes!
Date: 22 Jan 93 12:49:27 -0500

A professor I work with is retiring next week and I tho't I'd come up with some
retirement jokes. If you have any or know the whereabouts of the archive, please send 
me the info ....Thanks...Chris 
+===========================================================================+
	Chris Fooshee - University of Florida - CFREC - Apopka
			WCF@GNV.IFAS.UFL.EDU
+===========================================================================+
From: gt2841c@prism.gatech.EDU (gt2841c)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: long sentence: and
Date: 25 Jan 93 01:11:26 GMT
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology

In article <dunn.727918115@helios> dunn@helios.usq.EDU.AU (peter dunn) writes:
>On the subject of long sentences with 11 'thats' and however many hads there were, try this one for five 'ands' in a row:
>
>There was the restuarant that served, among other things of course, ham and eggs for brekkie.  To advertise, the owner put up a sign saying:
>
>"Ham, and, eggs"
>
[stuff deleted]

>"Oh," said the owner, "tell me how I should fix it."
>"Easy," said the customer (let's make the customer female and even it up), " just take out the commas between  'ham' and 'and' and 'and' and 'eggs'."
>
>So there you have it.

What we have is a sentence that lacks parallel structure. The grammatically
correct version of your sentence is

"Easy," said the customer, "just take out the commas between 'ham' and
'and' , and between 'and' and 'eggs'."

(I'm assuming that the customer is as anal about grammar as I am.)

ObFarSideQuiz:    "Well, this won't last long."


-Koushik   "Oh, what an ass I am..."


Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: esl10@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Ernest S. Lai)
Subject: Re: Cascading
Reply-To: esl10@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Ernest S. Lai)
Organization: Columbia University
Distribution: mf
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 15:17:41 GMT

>> > : > Can I request all cascades that end up being started from test files or
>> > : > other things, be sent to alt.cascade?  I don't think they belong on
>> > : > rec.humor, because I don't find them funny.  I'm sure I am not the only
>> > : > one.  Please don't do it anymore.  Thank you.
>> > : Squeeze bone through it, Denny Moore. Skank you.
>> > Jeez, phone Kuwait, maybe war. Spank you.
>> Please, hook the bait, cold and poor, Wank you.
>Praise the late!  Praise the whore!  Pink poo.
Cheese on white, mayonnaise, no more dog doo

Organization: Sophomore, H&SS general, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 23:01:31 -0500 
From: Justin Richard Klemmer <jk6z+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Beverly Hillbillies' Theme Song
	<1jic2rINNlq1@lynx.unm.edu>

Let's see if I can remember this...

Tell ya of a story bout a man named Jed
Poor Mountaineer, hardly keep his family fed
Out one day he was huntin for his food
Up from the ground comes a red-headed nude
(naked that is-no clothes at all)

Well the next thing you know ol Jed's in bed
Fuckin' the shit out of that red-head
Granny walks in with a ten foot pole
Shoves it up, Jed's asshole
(sideways that is-no mercy at all)

That's all I know of it-not overly humorus

Jesse
From: chris.rolleston@stargate.actrix.gen.nz (Chris Rolleston) 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: testing
Date: 28 Jan 93 12:25:00 GMT
Distribution: world
Organization: Stargate BBS - Wellington, NZ - +64 4 566-2157
Reply-To: chris.rolleston@stargate.actrix.gen.nz (Chris Rolleston) 


bsubq@csv.warwick.ac.uk (Mr J S Mitchell) writes:

> Ignore just a test
But it's tests I detest!

><>    _  chris.rolleston@stargate.actrix.gen.nz | All I want is a kind <><
><>  o(_)     rolleston_c@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz     |  word, a warm bed,   <><
><> /  /\     Fido:3:770/150  CIS:79333,1302     | and unlimited power. <><
---
 . SPEED 1.20 [NR] . All E-mail gladly recieved. Offensive reply ASAP.
                                                                                                              
----
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
|   Stargate BBS  +64 4 566-2157 (USR DS)  +64 4 566-6728 (2400)   |
|    Wellington, NZ - New Zealand's Professional PCBoard System    |
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: freeberg@aem.umn.edu (Phil Freeberg)
Subject: I am a fool
Organization: University of Minnesota
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 03:59:46 GMT



Ha Ha HA


Phil Freeberg (u of Minnesota )
From: 00cmemmert@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Another Limerick?
Date: 25 Jan 93 08:28:20 GMT
Organization: Ball State University, Muncie, In - Univ. Computing Svc's

Another great limerick:

Once an old Rabbi from Peru,
Was vainly attempting to screw,
His wife said 'Oi Vay'      (sp)
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you do.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: oheinone@klaava.Helsinki.FI (Oskari Heinonen)
Subject: Re: Earthquake Songs
Keywords: music, earthquake
Organization: University of Helsinki
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 23:57:23 GMT

In <1993Jan24.114820@cogs.sussex.ac.uk> richs@cogs.sussex.ac.uk
(Richard Salter) writes:

>Well after the quake, we can have:

>"I'm still standing" by Elton John.

+ "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" by U2.

>No? Alright then.

-- 
                                  <><><>
      Oskari Heinonen, University of Helsinki, Dept. of Computer Science
       oheinone@cc.helsinki.fi, oheinone@finuh.bitnet, hylk::oheinonen
                                  <><><>
From: jfinn@ll.mit.edu (Joe Finnivan)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Sesquipedalian Sayings, et cetera
Date: 25 Jan 93 20:13:58 GMT
Article-I.D.: ll.1993Jan25.201358.9824
Reply-To: jfinn@ll.mit.edu (Joe Finnivan)
Organization: MIT Lincoln Laboratory, Lexington MA
Originator: jfinn@ll.mit.edu (Joe Finnivan)


In article <1993Jan22.101302.5143@memstvx1.memst.edu>, nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu writes:
|> In article <21270@ksr.com>, johnk@ksr.com (John Kavazanjian) writes:
|> > I have a request from a friend to find something that someone around may  
|> > still have. Here it is:
|> > 
|> > Two years ago, someone faxed me a two-page list of
|> > common folk sayings translated into sesquipedelian (sp?)
|> > terminology, to whit:
|> > 
|> > Scintillate, Scintillate Asteroid Minific
|> > (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star)
|> > 
|> > You get the idea.
|> 
|> And a good one it is! Let's just start our own list. Break out the
|> dictionaries and thesauri - here we go. (And don't explain them unless
|> they are particularly abstruse or the references are especially esoteric.)
|> Remember, correct spelling and accurate attribution is important here.
|> 
|> An overabundance of talent skilled in the preparation of gastronomic
|> concoctions will impair the quality of a certain potable solution made
|> by immersing a gallinaceous bird in ebullient Adam's ale.
|> 
|> -- 
|> 
|> oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo
|> oo1oo     Binary 4s all around.  And a "bit-bird" to you too!     oo1oo
|> oo1oo   ------------------------------------------------------    oo1oo
|> oo1oo    Some people don't know the difference between a grin     oo1oo
|> oo1oo    and a grimace.  /s/Dennis (nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu)    oo1oo
|> oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo oo1oo
|> 

How about:
	You, sir, are a complete copulating anal orifice.

Joe
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: sml@mfltd.co.uk (Shaun Lowry)
Subject: Re: Cascading
Organization: Micro Focus Ltd., Newbury, UK
Distribution: mf
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 14:29:19 GMT


In article <1993Jan21.105324.1@gallua.gallaudet.edu>, sarust@gallua.gallaudet.edu (Scott A. Rust) writes:
> In article <29877@ursa.bear.com>, young@gummi.bear.com (Eric Youngblood) writes:
> > Marc Siegel (smarc@mas.uucp) wrote:
> > : splummer@abacus.bates.edu (Sarah Plummer) writes:
> > : > Can I request all cascades that end up being started from test files or
> > : > other things, be sent to alt.cascade?  I don't think they belong on
> > : > rec.humor, because I don't find them funny.  I'm sure I am not the only
> > : > one.  Please don't do it anymore.  Thank you.
> > : Squeeze bone through it, Denny Moore. Skank you.
> > Jeez, phone Kuwait, maybe war. Spank you.
> Please, hook the bait, cold and poor, Wank you.
Praise the late!  Praise the whore!  Pink poo.

    Shaun
-- 
/s(Shaun Lowry)def/g{.7 setgray}def/c{10 0 -1 arc fill}def 300 600 100 0 360 arc
stroke 300 600 50 180 0 arc stroke g 300 600 c stroke 1 2 scale 270 325 c stroke
330 325 c stroke grestore 125 450 moveto/Helvetica findfont 60 scalefont setfont
gsave 0.03 .09 rmoveto g [ 1 0 2 -1 0 0 ] concat s show grestore s show showpage
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: agillum@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Aaron C Gillum)
Subject: Re: DEEP SPACE 9 DRINKING GAME (Please send)
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 21:19:59 GMT

In article <1993Jan12.154428.28676@bmerh85.bnr.ca> caper@bnr.ca (Joe Smith) wri
tes:
>
>Could someone out there please either repost or email (preferred method)
>the ST:DS9 drinking game rules to me. I missed it the first time around.
>
>Thanx, Joe

Here it is in a nutshell... Anytime anyone moves or says anything, drink.
Whoopee! Some fun.

Aaron
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ardai@zax.eda.teradyne.com (Michael Ardai)
Subject: Re: Misc Traffic Rules
Organization: Teradyne, Inc. Boston MA
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 19:23:56 GMT

In article <1993Jan26.165300.18344@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov> maven@hercules.lerc.nasa.gov writes:
-In the Boston area I have come across FLASHING green lights.
-I asked a policeman what it meant (I know what flashing yellow
-and red lights mean).  He had no idea.  Does anyone else out there
-know for real what they mean?

Eeek.  I am posting facts to rec.humor...  aargh...

It means the lights are broken.  When the controller fails, the lights
flash green on the more-major road and red on the sidestreet. It means
cross, but keep your eyes open.  (Good advice anyway.)
/mike
-- 
\|/     Michael L. Ardai     N1IST             Teradyne ATG Boston
--- -------------------------------------------------------------------------
/|\                    ardai@maven.dnet.teradyne.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Ol' Presidential Nicknames FROM BEYOND.......
From: tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 93 17:17:30 PST
Organization: NetLink Online Communications, San Diego CA

dodd@OES.ORST.EDU (Stirling S. Dodd) writes:

> In article <cfLgOnW00WALI1qXg5@andrew.cmu.edu> Sam Swett <ssbc+@andrew.cmu.ed
> >metraton@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us writes:
> >
> >>     With that in mind, it's time to pick a nickname For our new Top 
> >>     Banana, William whatever-his-middle-name-is Clinton. I propose:
> >> 
> >>                    *-------- Cap'n Bill --------*
> >> 
> >>         Like It? It's like "Cap'n Crunch" only with a "Bill" in lieu of a 
> >>     "Crunch". And Gore could be "First Mate Gore" or something. If we work
> >>     at it, we could popularize it first, thus making history.
> >>       Pretty neat.
> >
> >	To me, Clinton will always be known as either "Slick Willie" or "Billy
> >[boy]." Those names have stuck ever since he began his campaign! As far
> >as Al Gore, I still haven't heard a nickname I liked, with the possible
> >exception of "Gory Al".   :-)
> >
> >l8r
> >-sam
> 
> For Al Gore it pretty clear: He's real up on the ecology, and he seems like
> sort of a fun guy, so why not the obvious: AL G.
> 
> 
> -- 
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> S Dod^2  |   "Do what you do but know why you're doing it"---GBH
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So when he dresses up in womens' clothes he'll be a mermaid?

Old joke:
What does a mermaid wear?








An Algae-Bra

--                    
INTERNET:  tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
UUCP:   ...!ryptyde!netlink!tumidity
NetLink Online Communications * Public Access in San Diego, CA (619) 453-1115
From: sbc3@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (SHAWN BRENDON CREWS)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Strange Place Names (English)
Date: 26 Jan 93 23:55:25 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1993Jan26.100119.10176@iscsvax.uni.edu>, kraai4712@iscsvax.uni.edu w
rites:
>In article <45092@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU>, jmcd@cea.berkeley.edu (John McDonald) w
rites:
>>
>> Well, i was perusing the latest Europe map sent out
>> by National Geographic.  There's a town about 60km
>> south of Minsk in Belarus called.....Slutsk!
>>
>> Or am i the only one that finds that funny...?
>>
>> Others?
>>
>
>I live a few miles from Dike, Iowa ...
>
>--jim
>
I live near a whole collection of strange towns in Pennsylvania.  Here are a
few:  Intercourse, Paradise, Mount Joy, Puseyville
From: gk@dcs.ed.ac.uk (Gavin Kerr)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Mouse balls
Date: 22 Jan 93 19:47:18 GMT
Reply-To: gk@dcs.ed.ac.uk (Gavin Kerr)
Organization: Laboratory for the Foundations of Computer Science, Edinburgh U

In article <1993Jan21.015514.8363@colorado.edu> popiels@debussy.Colorado.EDU (POPIEL STEPHANIE LYN) writes:
>Yes, I know everyone is sick of mouse ball jokes - but I have lost my list of them.  Could someone e-mail me a copy, or post?  Thanks
>
>Stephanie

et moi sil-vous-plait
(ME TOO!!!)


Gav : gk@dcs.ed.ac.uk  gk@castle.ed.ac.uk  gkerr@nyx.cs.du.edu

*******************************************************************************
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
*******************************************************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: TUK067@maccvm.corp.mot.com (David Wheeler)
Subject: A suggestion (was Re: Cascading)
Organization: Motorola
Date: 21 Jan 1993 03:27:33 CST

In article <29878@ursa.bear.com> young@gummi.bear.com (Eric Youngblood) writes:
>Gavin Kerr (gk@dcs.ed.ac.uk) wrote:
>:In article <1993Jan19.201912.14782@orlith.bates.edu> splummer@abacus.bates.edu
>:>Can I request all cascades that end up being started from test files or
>:>other things, be sent to alt.cascade?  I don't think they belong on
>:>rec.humor, because I don't find them funny.  I'm sure I am not the only
>:>one.  Please don't do it anymore.  Thank you.
>:>
>:
>:Well I do, and since this is rec.HUMOR and not rec.humor.sarah.plummer then al
>:types of humor should be catered for...
>:
>:Also since this is rec.HUMOR and not rec.humor.FUNNY it doesnt have to be funn
>:just humorous. I find it humerous...
>
>
>I'd like to propose that we start a new group...
>rec.humor.sarah.plummer!

I'm with Sarah on this, but I know that not everyone is likely to have
access to alt.cascade.  For example, we don't have access to any of the
alt.* groups here; our news feed filters them out.  I have, I think, a
more constructive suggestion to make:

Why don't we request a new group called rec.humor.cascade?  Then those
of you who like them can post there to your heart's content without
annoying those of us who don't find them even remotely amusing and are
bored spitless with wading through the ceaseless torrent of them in this
news group while trying to find the occasional joke or humorous article.
If someone can tell me to whom I should write, I will gladly submit the
application.

Sorry, no humour, just an attempt to be sane and rational (though coming
from me, that's pretty funny in itself).  So flame me.  Think about it.

Oh, all right then, if you insist.  A couple of funny newspaper headlines
from some British rags a few years ago:

             DOCTORS RUSHED OFF FEET - RUN ON MEDICINES
             TROOPS SENT TO MASSACRE VILLAGES
             U.S. LOSES ITS GRIP ON BRITISH LARD MARKET
             "HOODOO" DOGS FLYING DOCTOR'S AFRICAN PLANES

"Such brevity, far from being the soul of wit, is even the death of
meaning" - G. K. Chesterton

------------------------------------------------------------------------
David A. Wheeler, Motorola Ltd., Camberley, Surrey, England
TUK067@maccvm.corp.mot.com
From: amigan@cup.portal.com (Mike - Medwid)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Ideas for Marriage Toast
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 10:52:45 PST
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
Distribution: world
  <3300324@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM>

At my friend's wedding, another friend, D, made the toast.

"The bride and groom asked me to make the toast a few months ago.
 I was surprised when I arrived and saw all this beautiful food.
 Still I realize it's an honor to be making the toast, so here
 it is guys, <<D holds up two pieces of toast>>" 

Good luck!
From: jrs@netcom.com (John Switzer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Date: 26 Jan 93 21:20:41 GMT
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)

In article <1k461sINNl4u@gazette.bcm.tmc.edu> rcosby@bcm.tmc.edu (Randy C. Cosby) writes:
>In article <1993Jan19.091201.5066@wkuvx1.bitnet>, futrena@wkuvx1.bitnet writes:
>> Does anyone else like to watch _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on
>> Comedy Central?  Please repond if you do.
>> 
>> -- 
>Sure,
>
>Try alt.tb.mst3k we talk about it all the time..

Actually, this group is rather sickly - try alt.tv.mst3k or, at some lucky
sites, alt.fan.mst3k.
-- 
John Switzer             | 1/21/93 - Clinton fails to follow through on promise
                         | to have economic legislation ready the day after the
Compuserve: 74076,1250   | Inauguration. Programmers rejoice because he gives 
Internet: jrs@netcom.com | them an excuse to further slip their schedules.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ara@wam.umd.edu (Ford Prefect)
Subject: Re: politically correct...
Keywords: PC, unemployed, PhD , Chemical Engineering
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 23:34:47 GMT

Ladies and Gentelmen! "What? who logged in" Badump bump!!!

Political correctness has infiltrated the halowed and mysterious
nether regions of Computer Science !!!
The "Traveling Salesman Problem" has become the 
"Traveling Salesperson Problem"

the day will come when the "man" command on UNIX will become "person"
oh wow is the day when even UNIX will fall prey to PC!!!
-Ara
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cmtan@iss.nus.sg (Tan Chade Meng - with Dan)
Subject: Re: Canonical List of Confusciusisms
Organization: Institute Of Systems Science, NUS
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL4
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 06:10:30 GMT

robertsa@unix2.tcd.ie (Andrew L. Roberts) writes:
: 
: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
: 
: If any one can confirm my spelling of "Confuscius" I'd be grateful.
: 
: Andrew

It's spelled "Confucius".

Popular believe:
Confucius says: "If you cannot convince, confuse".

Tan