From: iad@cogsci.ed.ac.uk (Ivan A Derzhanski)
Newsgroups: sci.lang
Subject: Linguistics TV (Retransmission)
Keywords: :-)
Date: 14 Apr 92 14:16:21 GMT
Organization: Centre for Cognitive Science, Edinburgh, UK


In a North American article samson@netcom.com (Peter Samson) writes:

>For those with really good cable systems, here is tonight's lineup
>on the Linguistry Channel.

(Retransmitted for Europe, Asia and Australia, courtesy of The Rose
and the Heather Ltd.)

> 6:00  VESPERE NUNTIUS--News
>       E Finlandia semper aliquid novi.

The entire emission is in Latin under the motto "No news is good news,
but the best news is the dead news".  Host: Erland Sommarskog.

> 7:00  WHEEL OF JEOPARDY--Game
>       Junior academics pick Unicode characters to solve mystery
>       quotation in unknown script.  Winner may post unbridled
>       sarcasm to sci.lang; losers' linguistics departments are
>       abolished.

Guess what, Scott, I'll play against you.  This is your only way to lose.
(Not that I need to win.)  My translation follows:

   "Yale:  An animal with long, movable horns that it can adjust in
    different directions depending on how it wishes to use them."

I've even identified the source of the quotation: Malcolm South (ed.),
_Mythical and Fabulous Creatures: A Source Book and Research Guide_.
New York, Westport (CT), London: Greenwood Press, 1987.  Your turn, Scott.

> 7:30  THIS OLD WRITING SYSTEM--Comedy
>       Misunderstandings abound as zany handymen argue whether
>       Latin alphabet can be salvaged for new uses.  (Warning:
>       non-PC language.)

Summary: The Latin and the Unicode are fighting for the crown.  The
programme is highly recommended, particularly the last part with the drums.

> 8:00  BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE--Drama
>       Butterflies are free, but are their components bound?
>       (Rerun.)

The White Knight has just delivered a protest from the Old, Old Man
and his colleagues from the butterfly-pie trade.  They claim that the
above statement has been the source of disagreements between them and
their lunch customers, and demand that the programme be cancelled.  An
investigation has been ordered.

>10:00  DEBATE--Public Affairs
>       Invitational team from alt.sex.bondage debates Prof. Noam
>       Chomsky about Government-Binding Theory.  A.S.B speaks in
>       favor of bindings; Chomsky speaks against the government.

Meanwhile, the government remain unbound, though their traces are everywhere.

>10:30  SPELLING BEE--Cartoon
>       Superhero demonstrates animal grammar as well as orthoepy.

William Marslen-Wilson introduces the star on the Linguist List:

   "Er was een bij te's-Gravenhage
    Die antwoord wist op alle vragen..."

>11:00  NEWS IN E-PRIME--News
>       This program separates objective fact from subjective
>       opinion, leaving nothing of value.

A speech will be given by the leader of the E-double_prime movement, a
group which demands the elimination of all words, since their inherent
ambiguity necessarily brings forth dishonest utterances.  His speech
is expected to be very brief.

>12:00  LATE SHOW--Movie
>       Genial host Scott Horne, whose existence is not in doubt,
>       introduces tonight's classic: "The Fatal Glass of Chugdush."

This programme has been cancelled for technical reasons.  The
recording was planned to take place in Ulan Bator.  Scott Horne
boarded the first 'plane with a crew speaking a language that sounded
like Mongolian to him.  The 'plane delivered him to Edinburgh, where
he was welcomed by Ivan Derzhanski, who suggested that one of the
numerous traditional Scottish distilleries could be substituted for
the Chugdush one.  When they arrived on the spot, they met a host of
ghosts and daemons, and one of them, who appeared to be an old
acquaintance of Scott Horne, addressed him with the words "Ta unkglush
parmia go revchush".  Neither the genial host nor the djinnee/ghost
have been seen or heard of since.  We apologise for the inconvenience.

> 2:00  SIGN OFF
>       The National Anthem is sung fluently in 17 languages.  Time
>       to turn off the TV and start posting to Usenet.

We recommend our new multilingual headphones, courtesy of Alvin Henry
White.  This unique device gives the user the opportunity to listen to
the anthem in all 17 languages simultaneously, with each language
being input into a different ear.  The device is said to have been
tested by the inventor, who claims it to be a great success, though he
refuses to reveal which apertures he has used for ears 3 to 17.

-- 
---- --- -- -  Long Live the Rose and the Heather!  - -- --- ----
Ivan A Derzhanski   (iad@cogsci.ed.ac.uk;  iad@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu)
* Centre for Cognitive Science,  2 Buccleuch Place,  Edinburgh EH8 9LW,  UK
* Cowan House, Pollock Halls, 18 Holyrood Park Road, Edinburgh EH16 5BD, UK
Newsgroups: sci.lang