From: dzeigler@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Daniel R Zeigler)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Baptismal Hair-Splitting (Was Re: And what *is* a Christian?)
Date: 27 Aug 92 07:03:44 GMT
Organization: The Ohio State University

Imagine a committed, born-again Southern Baptist (I'll call him Billy) and a
Church of Christ member (let's call him Alex) frequently argue about the 
significance of baptism.  One night when they are in one of their 
hair-splitting discussions, they are caught up in a time-warp and find 
themselves back in first century Antioch.  They strap on their universal 
translators and begin to mingle with the brothers there.  Barnabas introduces 
them to Gaius, a new Christian who was just baptized the night before.  "Tell 
us about your conversion," prompts Alex.  "Yes, I love to hear personal
testimonies," chimes in Billy.  So Gaius tells them this story:

     "Six months ago my next door neighbor (and second cousin) joined
      this strange, new religious sect called The Way.  We were quite
      concerned.  First he stopped offering sacrifices at the temple.
      Then he started telling us that a man executed as a common
      criminal was really the Creator of the universe, and that he had
      come back to life and now was taking up residence in people--not
      in temples, mind you, like any respectable God, but inside human
      beings!  And he said that he and the ragamuffin lot calling them-
      selves "church"--many of them are slaves, I might add--make up
      this God's body.  And these "Christ-ians" (as we labeled them
      behind their backs) kept hanging out at his house until the wee
      hours of the morning.  We'd hear them singing, for crying out loud.
      I don't mind telling you that we thought these folks were nuts!
      And I personally didn't mind saying so, to whomever would listen.

      Well, all that's changed.  Oh, my neighbor is still a Christian,
      and the gossip still goes on, but now I'm on the other side of the
      fence.  I'm a Christian now!  It started when my wife got sick with
      a high fever.  She was bedridden for a week, barely conscious.  I
      was so worried.  The temple priests offered a sacrifice, but she
      got no better.  Finally in desperation I asked my neighbor to pray
      to his strange God for my wife.  I was amazed that he brought over
      a few men that same evening.  They prayed for her, and she seemed
      to get some immediate relief.  Two Christian women sat up with her
      all that night.  The next morning my wife was much better and took
      some food.  And what food!  The Christians started bringing over
      meals twice a day.  They kept praying for her, and for me and the
      kids, too.  About this time I began to think that maybe they *were*
      the arms and legs and mouth of a benevolent God.  Within a week, my
      wife had regained her strength.  We asked the Christians to tell us
      more about their resurrected God.  They told us the whole story.  It
      was terrifying and beautiful at the same time!  And I saw *in them*
      evidence that this Jesus really had died and resurrected, because I
      saw death and resurrection operating in their lives.  We both started
      to weep--and, before we knew it, the Christians were weeping right
      along with us!  I prayed out loud: 'Oh, Jesus, I am sorry for all the
      bad things I have said about you, and about these people, your Body.
      I want to believe in you, too.  I feel so dirty for all the wicked
      things I've done.  Will you accept me?  Was that aweful cross for me,
      too?'  This is hard to explain, but right away I felt a deep assurance
      that Jesus *would* accept me, and that he had borne my sins.  I rose
      and told the Christians what had happened.  I asked them what to do.
      They led me down to the river and immersed me.  I came up out of the
      water shouting "Jesus is alive!"  Then I baptized my wife and my two
      older boys.  That was last night.  It's only been a day, but I can
      testify that I'm living by a new life now, a life not my own.  And 
      it's great!"

Billy and Alex fellowship with Gaius, Barnabas, Paul, and many other believers 
well into the night.  Then they get zapped with another time warp and find 
themselves at home.  They talk over their wonderful adventure, then part 
company.  The next morning--Sunday--they wake up with the same realization.  "I
forgot to ask Paul those doctrinal questions I'd been wanting to ask him for 
years!  Those questions about conversion and eternal security and church
government.  I blew it!"

At worship services that morning, each tells of his experience. Each relates
the story of Gaius in almost identical terms.  And each sheepishly admits that
he forgot to ask Paul about conversion.  But then each says: "Wait a minute.  I
heard about conversion from a genuine New Testament Christian.  And now I can
prove that my doctrine has been right all along!"  Billy goes on to explain to
his Baptist brethren: "This Gaius realized Jesus was his personal Savior.  Then
he prayed Jesus into his heart.  Only after that was he baptized--by immersion,
of course--to become part of the church."  Alex, on the other hand, explains
to his C of C brethren: "Gaius heard the word.  He believed it, repented,
confessed the name of Jesus, and was baptized.  See?  All five of the steps of
salvation we've always taught!"

Postscript:

When Alex and Billy get together again, they find that they can't agree on
Gaius' conversion, except that somehow he got immersed.  During the heat of the
argument, they get caught up in another time warp.  Before them is Gaius!
Billy blurts out: "Tell him, Gaius!  Tell him that you received regeneration
upon accepting Christ as your personal savior and praying him into your heart.
And tell him you believe in eternal security!"  Alex cuts in: "No, Gaius.  Let
Billy in on the five steps of salvation.  Tell him you contacted the blood of
Jesus in the watery grave of baptism.  Let him know you realize you can fall
away."  A puzzled look comes over Gaius' face.  Just before the time warp
returns them back to their own time, they hear him say: "Personal savior? Pray
into my heart?  Five steps?  Contacting the blood?  Whatever are you men
talking about?  I'm afraid I've never heard this sort of talk before.  Now, if
you want to talk about Jesus ... "  Gaius disappears.