Organization: University of Maine System
Date: Wednesday, 8 Apr 1992 13:15:13 EDT
From: Ailsa N.T. Murphy <IO81409@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: The Second Coming... Out, that is...

     Has anyone out there read JoAnn Loulan's _The Lesbian
Erotic Dance_?  I don't generally think all that much of
Loulan's books, as they are a bit fluffy for my tastes, but
her description of growing up butch, of being a butch little
girl was like a smack between the eyes!  I was reading that
and going, "Yes!  YES!!!"

     Except of course, I was never an athlete.  I climbed
trees older than even the boys did, but my coordination is
still pathetic.  I hung out with the male academics instead.
But the experience is still similar.  The book quoted a
number of butch women who said that they had no girl friends
as kids, cos they just didn't fit in with girls, who figured
that they must be boys, because that was the only option
left, but who resented people telling them that they were
male, and still do.

     Reading that felt like coming home.  I'd been
apologizing to my friends, saying that being butch-identified
was probably just a stage, given time I would probably get
over it, and feeling embarrassed because the more of the
butch persona i adopt, the more comfortable i feel.  Usually
i HATE getting rid of clothes, but I felt nothing but relief
when i sent off loads of my old traditionally feminine stuff
to my mom and sister.  After this, I think I will stop
apologizing.

     It was also nice to see that having to insist that you
are NOT male, nor are you male-identified, is a universal
butch experience.  I'll probably be saying, "Since I am a
woman, EVERYTHING i do is womanly," until i am 98, but at
least i know that i am not the only one...

     Interestingly, until I started trying to become
traditionally feminine because I got sick of people treating
me like i was sexless (that was at 19), all the guys I picked
out as interesting were quite nelly.  I still prefer nelly
men to butch ones.

     This feels rather like a second coming-out, a settling
of my identity, as it were.  When i went out to Illinois last
year, I was still in the process of finding out who i was and
recovering from a nervous breakdown (just in case a certain
muffin whom i met out there is reading this and snickering;
i'm only a bottom with MEN, dahling...), but things have
certainly come into focus since.  I don't think I shall be
apologetic or half-assed about it anymore.  Butch is who I
am, although admittedly an academic butch, not an athletic
one.

     I was also glad to see that she mentioned the faggot
butch, as I was afraid that the butch-femme attraction
dynamic was the only one that would get any attention.  I am
attracted to butches and SALs (Standard American Lesbians, my
personal term), but not femmes, to any extent.  Dykey femmes,
however, are another story...  but anyway.  (for peg i will
make an exception, however... *grin*)  I like women who
swagger, who look like the world is theirs and anyone who
thinks otherwise is confused.  I like slim, crew-cutted
butches with perky breasts showing under ironed shirts.
Hopefully, they're more ki-ki than they look B)...

     *sigh* and now, after all this description has gotten me
going, what am I going to go do?  Three days worth of dishes
*grumble* NOT the most erotic thing I could be doing with my
time...

                                -ailsa