From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Angel & all)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: spoiler warning -- dreams & memories & stuff
Date: 20 Nov 92 20:35:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

******SPOILER WARNING*****************
^l


















I'm scared.  We're kind of upset we think.  We were at home & got one of our
new newsletters, we get lots of newsletter.  This one was BEAM - Being 
Energetic about Multiplicity.  We get a couple of multiples newsletters -- we
started subscribing to them way before we actually thought we might be
multiple ourselves.  So we were reading this & we read something and got
really upset.  Somebody was being angry at her parents for telling her to
be gratefull for things -- and one of them was 'I ought to be damn thankful
that I could suck and fuck good enough that they could sell me to strangers
and pay their bills and they wouldn't have to kill me to lessen their load,
I started paying for Daddy's alcohol and Mama's dandies when I was three
years old'  and see, for the past few weeks we have been really scared that
something like that could have happened to us, we think our Aunt Pam let
other people do stuff to us and make us do stuff & she would get money 
and/or drugs for it.  We haven't wanted to believe that AT ALL.  And we 
kept saying that it was too much, that nobody would actually do that to a
child (we think we were 7-9 years old then) but then it was in this 
newsletter & somebody's PARENTS did that the them and so it is conceiveable
that my aunt might have done that to me & I know that she isn't a very nice
person lots of times.

But I don't really know.  I know that part of the reason that we keep
trying to say that we aren't multiple is 'cause 'bout everytime we've met
or heard of or read about a multiple, they had lots of really really bad
things happen to them when they were little and we really don't want to
believe that lots of really bad things happened to us when we were little.
We know our mom sexually abused us, but that wasn't violent -- was coercive
cuddling, never blatantly sexual, but kinda icky & we know she was 
emotionally abusive, and we had to take care of her a lot when we were just
a little kid and so she should have been taking care of us and she used to
tell us stories about how mean her mom and her dad were to her, hitting her
and yelling at her and making her take care of all her little sisters and
brothers & how she tried to kill most of her little sisters and brothers
at one point or another (she is the oldest of 8 kids) and how her mom never
ever touched her with kindness except onces when she was in the hospital
and Grandma let her [my mom] lean on her.  She would tell me all this stuff
and then, like the next day we go over to Grandma's house and have to act
totally normal & Mom would never bring up all this stuff that she was upset
or mad about with Grandma or any of the rest of the family, just me & I
couldn't talk about it with them because she didn't.

So we can mostly deal with that stuff.  But -- don't know about this other
stuff.  When we first started realizing that we were sexually abused as
children, we knew that it happened in this one apartment we lived in from
when I was 3 1/2 to 8 1/2 years old.  And we thought that maybe these things
we had always thought were dreams and/or fantasizes might actually be 
memories.

We used to always dream/fantasize/day-dream about someone (man we think but
we aren't sure, we don't know who it(they) is(are) coming into our bedroom
(at that apartment) sitting down on our bed, sometimes laying down on us &
saying things like 'act like you like it' and 'tell that you like it' and
the person would lay down, sometimes covering my head, sometimes covering 
me and then 'doing things' to me -- never quite specific things thought 
they probably involved intercourse and oral sex.

so these were fantasisies I would have.  And I would dream about being in 
'Babes in Toyland' which was this big amusement park kind of town only you
couldn't leave it was surrounded by a big forest & I would sometimes get 
out and wander in the forest & never escape to anywhere but back at the town
and every so often you (all the characters -- often my cousins, friends,
just random little kids) including me would have to go to the king and he 
would rape you.  if you tried to hide when he ordered you to come you 
would eventually send toy soldier out hunting for you -- it was all very
icky.

so that is some of the stuff that has started me thinking that my aunt pam
might have sold me sexually when I was little (there are more reasons
to think that too but I am tired now of saying things and tempted to not 
send this because I feel like I'm making stuff up, making a mountain out
of a molehill kind of thing, but I was really upset about this earlier 
today but had to work to much to be able to post then and I am going to go
away now.

bi bi
angel & all



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