Organization: Penn State University
Date: Thursday, 16 Apr 1992 08:12:06 EDT
From: <PXF3@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Ladyhawke needs support, please...

Ladyhawke,

I wrote to you privately last night, but I don't know if you can get
messages (something said anon.  posters can't be E-mailed to--obviously I'm
new at this).  I hope your tests came back okay.  I have been "lurking" for
over a month, and I recognize your name.  That's the neat thing about this
newsgroup; you get to "know" people.  And care about them.  So no matter
what happens, you are not alone.  You know that, I'm sure.

So this is my first post, and I decided not to be anon.  partly cause it
seems like a hassle, and partly cause I am sick of hiding things.  I hid a
lot of stuff for a lot of years.  My grandfather molested me, and no one
ever found out.  He manipulated me with gifts and sweet talk to the point
where I think I really believed our relationship had something to do with
love.  Then I conveniently forgot all the details until my daughter was born
and I began having flashbacks.  I guess my brain was reminding me so I'd
protect her.  Of course, this was at the time when kids' faces started
appearing on milk cartons, too, which may have opened some memories for me.

The perp is dead.  Has been for over 20 years.  My husband has known for
ages, and has been great.  I blurted it out to my mother one day when she
gave me a mini-lecture about "watching" my husband so he wouldn't abuse our
daughter.  I told her she hadn't done a very good job watching me.  A couple
of awful days with many phone calls followed.  My parents believed me
because of one detail I remembered that they also remembered, but this was
after they denied everything.  What hurts now is that family get-togethers
people sometimes mention my grandfather as if he were a saint and nobody
corrects them.  I guess I should, but it would be better, I think, if one of
my parents would do it.  It might be their way of affirming me.  But that
won't happen.  Anyway, they live far enough away that I can control the hows
and whens of our communications.  That helps.  Distance helps.

The most important thing is that I have found ways of outgrowing the pain.
I work hard on environmental issues both as a volunteer and professionally.
It really helps to do important work with people you admire and respect.
And when they admire and respect you and your work, it helps the old self
esteem.  I'm not saying my life is perfect.  Nope.  But I choose who I spend
time with and what I do.  That means a lot to me.  Whe I finished grad
school (ptooey) I made the decision that I would sacrifice financial rewards
(to an extent) for the sake of more important rewards (peace of mind, etc.).
Of course, this is only possible because my husband subsidizes me.  But the
good news is that I'm writing a book (under contract) and when the royalties
start flowing I can subsidize him.  And one book leads to another.  (I
hope!)

This is kind of long, and all I really meant to do was explain why this
"stranger" is supporting Ladyhawke.  Ladyhawke, let us know.  We care.
We're not really strangers, either.  We are your brothers and sisters.
Love, Paula
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery