From: Susan R Pence <srpence@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
Subject:  ******SPOILT HER*****
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 03:11:37 GMT
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]

In article <Bv85II.Ipn@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, brandywine says:

>one of my good friends tonight said to me, "you are eventually going
>to have to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming your
>parents for everything that happens to you"

>and then I fell into a depression such that I can't handle. I am okay.
>I am not going to die... I have myself firmly convinced that I cannot
>die right now. it won't happen yet. I am going to be here, NO MATTER
>WHAT, so I better deal....

Something similar recently sent me spiralling too. A supervisor at work
recently used his knowledge of my therapy/abuse in a way that severely hurt. To
make a LONG story short, he told me that he didn't know what kind of therapy I 
was getting but it wasn't doing me any good, that I was worse than before. Then
he said he didn't know my counselor, but obviously she wasn't doing me any good
and I should consider getting another one. All of this followed my attempt to 
apologize for something I didn't feel was my problem/fault, but tried to 
apologize just to smooth things over. Then he proceeds to tell me that "we all 
come from dysfunctional families" and that he has problems too, but he leaves 
them at home/doesn't bring them to work. He proceeded to tell me that I should 
do the same.  I tried to tell him this is not something I can turn on/off but 
he would hear nothing of it and kept trashing me. I have been very proud of the
fact that, up to that point, I had not missed any work because of my healing or
the pain which has been too intense for words recently. I have been a good 
little employee and stuffed my hurt as much as possible. And it's hard because 
I'm faced with sexual issues almost daily at work because I work at an art 
gallery/performance center that routinely has graphic displays in 
art/performance.
   Anyway...he upset me to the point where I HAD to go home. I called my
counselor before I left because I was so upset. I was so embarrassed
and MAD, partly because of his intrusion into where he did not belong and
secondly because I could not handle it and was SO upset and bawling. BTW, this
occurred about 1:30am. I was more depressed and suicidal than I have been in a
LONG time. Wondered why I even go on? And ya know...I don't think he has an
iota of an idea of what he did to me. I spent the next two mornings with my
counselor just trying to regain some equilibrium. Does ignorance of the depth
of this problem excuse such insensitivity?
   Brandywine, please excuse my rambling on about my own pain, but I really
feel for what you've been through. Thanks for sharing it and helping me relate
to someone.

>she has a point. as some point, I am going to have to let go of the
>anger enough so that I can stop being so misreable. (sp?) but that
>point isn't now.

My counselor keeps telling me I'm doing really well for all I'm dealing with
and then this jerk comes in and blows me out of the water. Where do these
people get the right to feel they can give a two minute solution to our
problem? Where were they during all my pain, both in the past and in my
therapy?  Arrrrghhhh! This really angers me.

>the shitty part is that I *AM* a responsible person. I always HAVE
>been the "responsible one". I work hard... make the grade... take care
>of things... of people... of myself to certain extent. not as much
>as I should, perhaps, but I made it thru 22 years... and with the
>history I have... that is INCREDIBLE. I should be proud to be
>BREATHING not having to justify myself to a woman who has had her life
>handed to her on a silver platter. Just who the hell is she to pass
>judgement of my life?

Brandywine, the above paragraph was so good I had to repost it.I think it's
terrific you can take stock and realize how much you have lived through, all 
you have survived! You should be proud!

I need to remember this type stuff, but so often I just curl up and hurt.

>so I am confused and feeling alone.

I hope knowing I have felt similar things helps. Your sharing certainly helped 
me.

>when the truth is, I am being strong. does that make sense?

As a dear friend of mine would say, "Yup!".

>and, unfortunately, i will last that long. I cannot take my own
>life... (I know you don't see that as a weakness, but I do.)

I'm "stuck" in the same predicament...I have values/fears that won't let me do 
it...plus some friends that I don't want to hurt, and I know they would hurt
terribly if I killed myself.

>DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND? WILL I ALWAYS BE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS MY PAIN?

I can't know everything you feel, but what you share definitely strikes home in
alot of me. I hope that helps.

>probably. you can see it and relate to it... but pain isn't something
>most people can really share. all sharing my pain does is cause more
>for you. and I am sorry....

Nope, doesn't "cause more pain for" me...makes me feel like someone KNOWS how
much I hurt inside, someone else really knows and is dealing with what I'm
dealing with. Maybe I can make it if someone else is. Please, don't be sorry
for sharing....it helps.

>than-you for trying to read this... I know it doesn't make much
>sense...

Thank YOU, for sharing your pain...

Susan