Organization: Penn State University
Date: Wednesday, 8 Apr 1992 09:29:04 EDT
From: <CXF12@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: At what age is day care appropriate?
 <1992Mar26.235444.11402@informix.com> <1992Apr03.234858.952904@locus.com>
 <1992Apr6.182920.20367@ticipa.pac.sc.ti.com> <167C3723E.EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com>

I had planned to "stay out of this," but I find that I really want to address
some of the comments that have been made on this thread.  First of all, let
me echo Elise's comments that a parent who sets out to "sacrifice" years of
his/her life for the children is setting the stage for disappointment and
frustration in years to come.  Nevertheless, I don't think that anything is
gained by commenting about stay-at-home mothers as follows:

In article <167C3723E.EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com>, EKOCK@cmsa.gmr.com says:
>Explain to me, why, when I speak with
>such women that I find them to be obsessed by trivial, banal
>matters such as which garage sale to go to (for example).
>I don't find these women following politics or reading books or
>writing The Great American Novel.  Their marriages are divided
>along strict stereotypical roles.  Daddy mows the lawn and
>Mommy bakes the cakes.  Daddy divorces Mommy when Daddy gets
>to be 45.  Mommy can't find a job and she tells her daughters
>to make sure they learn a marketable skill regardless of whether
>or not they marry.

>In case you can't tell already, I have a job.  I also have a child.

Well, I have a job too.  And I have a child.  (And a second one on the way.)
I have many friends who are at home with their children, and I don't find them
boring at all.  As a matter of fact, there are times when I am jealous of them
because they are able to spend so much time with their children (and they have
told me that there are times when they are jealous of me because I get to spend
so much time with adults).  I am very much looking forward to the 6 months that
I plan to spend home with my children after our second child is born.  However,
my husband and I spent a long time discussing the issue of staying at home, and
decided that although we could now afford it, neither one of us will elect to
stay home with the children long term.  Why?

Ellen commented:
>It would not be good for me or my son if I were a stay-at-home mommy.
>He is the most important person in the world to me but there's got
>to be a balance in a family's life.  He's being nurtured, cared for,
>and taught, right this minute, by people who have skills I don't have.
>I'm working at a job I enjoy and which helps support our family.

Ditto.  I know that I have read about studies showing that children fare best
when their parents are happy with their life choices.  These are studies that
have attempted to determine whether children were better off with a stay-at-
home mother or with a working mother.  And the answer is -- it depends.
Children do not benefit from a stay-at-home mother who is unhappy with or
resents her circumstances.  Similarly, children do not benefit from a mother
who works outside of the home when she would prefer to stay home with the
children.  I hesitate to post this without cites, but I don't have any.
Perhaps someone out there does, and will provide them.

WARNING: I'M GETTING ON MY SOAPBOX!
Personally, I think that nothing is to be gained from bashing one another's
different choices.  Let's recognize that different people make different
choices for a whole host of reasons -- economic, emotional, etc.  And let's
focus on supporting each other rather than trying to force everyone to live
their lives in the mold that we have chosen for ourselves.
OFF SOAPBOX.

Carol Fischer (CXF12@psuvm.psu.edu)