From: JFRAWLEY@SUVM.SYR.EDU (Judy Thomas Frawley)
Subject: Various Questions about  4YO
Organization: Syracuse University
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 92 14:24:39 EST

I am not new to this newsgroup.  I unsubscribed for about
a year because I was just too busy :-(.  But now, I have
a little free time on my hands, and I have enjoyed reading
the posts; particularly on the spanking issue.
 
I have just a few questions.
 
1.  My daughter loves "Barney".  I bought her a Barney
    doll for Christmas.  Because I am relatively poor
    (I'm her sole source of income; dad does not pay
     child support yet since there is no legal agrement -
     that's not an issue here.), Barney will probably
    be her main present from me with a few books and
    some things in her stocking.
    My mother called the other day to ask if I had
    bought a Barney and to announce that she, too,
    had purchased one.  I told her I thought she could
    still return it and explained that I'd like to give
    Barney to Hannah for Christmas.  Response:  You give
    her yours first at your house and then I'll give her
    mine and she can keep it at my house.
 
Okay, that seems fair, right?  Well, not to me.  I go
through this every holiday with my mother.  Hannah is
four years old, and it is getting very tiring.  I'm lucky;
I've at least gotten through to my mother to *check* with
me about something, but that doesn't stop her from doing
what she wants most of the time.
 
I don't have the energy to fight with her, but I feel
angry about this.  My mother and I have been known to
have very heated battles particularly where Hannah is
concerned; I have spent much of the last four years
explaining that *I* am Hannah's mother.  My mother had
five kids, now it's my turn.  (My mother has been known
to respond with "what" to my daughter's call of "mommy?")
 
I have to fight enough with Hannah's father about Christmas
because  he wants me to buy the expensive things that he
claims he can't afford.
 
Please help.  I feel pressure now to get something different
for Hannah because my mother won't back down on this.  I
could talk to my father, but that will just lead to an
argument between my mom and dad.
 
Or, I can just drop it and leave the Barney doll my mother
bought at her house.  That just doesn't sit well with me,
but it would help keep the peace.
 
2.  Hannah goes to fast food restaurants with her father, and
    I just don't feel they are appropriate all the time.  I
    have told her that she can go once a week and eat Arby's
    or McDonald's, but that we cannot eat there  everynight.
    Her father also lets her stay up much later than I feel
    is appropriate.  He likes to stay up and watch t.v. with
    her rather than  take time away from his t.v. viewing
    to put her to bed.This week, she has requested to
    watch a movie that her father let her stay up and
    watch the first part of.  She and I decided that
    she would go to bed early last night and tonight and
    then she could watch the movie.
 
    I don't really want to control whathappens in her
    father's  house because I can't do much about it.
    BUT, I would like to figure out a way for her to not
    get so confused between the diversity in our parenting
    styles.
    Does this kind of compromise sound  favorable?
 
I want to have a household where everyone is respectful of each
other's needs.  Hannah has needs, mommy has needs, and we need
to talk about solutions.  I have the added burden of dealing
with the difference between mommy's house and daddy's house, and
I wonder if I am doing the right thing by acknowledging the
difference and doing things that make Hannah likes and do not
really bother me to compromise on.
 
Judy Frawley
Hannah's mama