From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Weaver)
Subject: Re: LJBF problems
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 92 01:59:46 GMT

In article <1992Jul28.230403.9262@wam.umd.edu> jasonbr@next17pg2.wam.umd.edu (Jason Bert Rust) writes:
>
> Hello net folks, its time for me to add my share to the soap opera!
> My brain is at a loss as to what to do with my dilemma. I'll outline my  
>situation first.
> Back in '88, I met a girl, "Pheobe," at work, and we became friends. I 
>immeadiately formed a big crush on her, though I never let on. (confused
>adolescent thing) After she resigned, we kept in regular contact through  
>the mail (not e-mail, paper mail!). Writing was always fun, and we sent  
>letters about once a month. Our letters were similar, though her's were  
>full of her love life news. Now we're at separate universities, though we  
>still write. My infatuation continues.

I was in a relationship like this once. It was actually quite nice,
as long as I didn't expect anything more. It is true that being
dealing with someone mainly through letters will let you idealize
them greatly.

If you only asked this girl out once, and she simply declined, 
that is not the same thing as "let's just be friends". 

Since you have been friends for a long time, it probably surprised her
that you asked her out. And if you haven't followed up, she may think
that this was some anomaly, that you were feeling depressed or
something, and acting irrationally.

You say that the fact that she has not asked you out is proof that 
she is not interested in you. Actually, all it means is that she
did not ask you out, and all you really can infer is that she
did not decide to ask you out. Since you have been friends for
a long time, she probably didn't think of you as being interested
in dating. Also, she has an interest in the friendship as well...
why should she mess that up if you are not interested in dating her?

I know you don't want to get your hopes up, but I think you are
making some unwarranted assumptions.

You seem to be leaning towards breaking off your friendship with
this girl in order to get rid of your crush on her. My personal 
experience is that this will not get rid of a crush. There are
two things that will get rid of a crush: lots of time, and getting
to know the other person. (Conventional wisdom is that getting 
involved with someone else will cause a crush to go away, but I find
it just make the crush less of a burden). So I would not suggest
cutting her out of your life.

It seems odd to me that you are willing to ruin this relationship by
cutting yourself off from her, but unwilling to risk ruining the 
relationship by pushing for romance. I think you need to decide
whether you want your relationship with her to remain as it is,
or you want to take some risks in hope of making it better. If 
you want the relationship to remain as it is, you will have to 
accept that it is not going to get better, and take steps (such
as 'forcing yourself to date other women') to focus on other
people. If you want the relationship to get better, you will
have to take risks. Some of the risks are that you could alienate
her, you could lose your idealized vision of her, and you could
put a lot of work into the relationship and still not be happy with it.

I do not think it would be a good idea to tell her how you feel, if you
mean explaining you have a crush on her, unless all you want is
sympathy.  Of course, if you do want to tell her, it probably would be
better in person.  If you want to get closer to her, more subtlety is
called for.

I think one step at a time is a good idea in relationships.  In your
case, a first step might be re-establishing your friendship in person.
You don't have to profess undying love, you just let her know you would
like to see her, face to face, from time to time. If she doesn't want
to do this, you haven't lost much. If she does, seeing her may be hard
for you at first, but isn't getting used to being with her a necessary
step toward being romantic?

Good Luck,
Michael.
----
The world is turning on gliding fireworks,
You beside me,
Revolution Earth.

Xref: sparky alt.romance:10326 alt.romance.chat:15754