From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Monty Python Holy Grail - Script
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:12:37 GMT
Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA


Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:

  This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay.
This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took
place.  There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
ended up on the screen.  <I.E. A paraphrased word or two or another
character used a line... But generally in minor lines like 'LOOK!'>
This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.

  I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "|" before it.
Anything Penciled in has a "+", I also put cut information before penciled in.

  What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in.  The reason I keyed in
this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
around internet.  It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted
what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
What the hell!

  After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft
of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
sketches for the 4th season of Python.  It Is sill quite different and well
worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????

  Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.

Enough of this...

-Grue (09-Aug-92)

P.S. TO AHH:  DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to
say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                MONTY PYTHON
                             AND THE HOLY GRAIL

       Screenplay by

         JOHN CLEESE
         GRAHAM CHAPMAN
         TERRY GILLIAM
         ERIC IDLE
         TERRY JONES
         MICHAEL PALIN



 
                                                           FINAL DRAFT 20.3.74.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL"        Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
       00.01 is the first action frame
       which is 391.00 before the first
       Clear Cut, which is Scene 4

        Sc                                   Spot
        No.     Complete DIALOGUE            No.    Start   End   Ftge.
        -------------------------            --------------------------
        1       FADE IN:
        Starts
        00.01   TITLES ON BLACK B.G.

                         PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
                             in association with
                                MICHAEL WHITE
                                  presents

FADE OUT:
 FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS

                                 MONTY PYTHON
                                     and
                                THE HOLY GRAIL
then:
                      M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen

FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:

                           Written and preformed by:
                             GRAHAM CHAPMAN
                             JOHN CLEESE
                             ERIC IDLE
                             TERRY GILLIAM
                             TERRY JONES
                             MICHAEL PALIN
then:
                           R0tern nik Akten Di
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
                                  with
                             CONNIE BOOTH
                             CAROL CLEVELAND
                             NEIL INNES
                             BEE DUFFELL
                             JOHN YOUNG
                             RITA DAVES
then:
                                  Wik
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                             Also appearing
                             AVRIL STEWART
                             SALLY KINGHORN
then:
                                Als0 wik
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
                           Also also appearing
                 MARK ZYCOON           ELSPETH CAMERON
                 MITSUKO FORSTATER     SALLY JOHNSON
                 SANDY ROSE            ROMILLY SQUIE
                 JONI FLNN             ALISON WALKER
                 LORAINE WARD          ANNA LANSKI
                 SALLY COOMBE          VIVIENNE MACDONALD
                 YVONNE DICK           DAPHNE DARLING
                 FIONA GORDON          GLORIA GRAHAM
                 JUDY LAMS             TRACY SNEDDON
                 SYLVIA TAYLOR         JOYCE POLLNER
                              MARY ALLEN
then:
                            Als0 als0 wik
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                Camera Operator       HOWARD ATHERTON
                   Camera Focus       JOHN WELLARD
               Camera Assistant       ROGER PRATT
                    Camera Grip       RAY HALL
         Chargehand Electrician       TERRY HUNT
                       Lighting       TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
                                      ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD
                                      TECHNICOLOR
              Rosturm Cameraman       KENT HOUSTON
then:
               Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                Sound Recordist       GARTH MARSHALL
                    Sound Mixer       HUGH STRAIN
                   Boom Swinger       GODFREY KIRBY
              Sound Maintenance       PHILIP CHUBB
                Sound Assistant       ROBERT DOYLE
                 Dubbing Editor       JOHN FOSTER
              Assistant Editors       JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
                                      ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
                                      BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
                  Sound Effects       IAN CRAFFORD
then:
                          See the l0veli lakes
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
                     Continuity       PENNY EYLES
                     Accountant       BRIAN BROCKWELL
           Production Secretary       CHRISTINE WATT
                 Property Buyer       BRIAN WINTERBORN
                Property Master       TOM RAEBURN
                   Property Men       ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
                                      MIKE KENNEDY
                       Catering       RON HELLARD LTD
                       Vehicles       BUDGET RENT-A-CAR
then:
                    The W0nderful teleph0ne system
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
         Assistant Art Director       PHILIP COWLAM
           Construction Manager       BILL HARMAN
                     Carpenters       NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
                        Painter       GRAHAM BULLOCK
                     Stagehand        JIM N. SAVERY
                        Rigger        ED SULLIVAN
then:
                  And mani interesting furry animals
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                       With special extra thanks to
           Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
           Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
           Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
           Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
           Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
           Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
           Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.

           Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
           Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
           Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.

           By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
           London W1 England.
            And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.

           Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.
                            All Rights Reserved.
then:
     The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
     Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
     University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
     making of this film.

     The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
     are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
     or history of any person is entirely accidental and
                            unintentional.

                                  Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

                    Including the majestic m00se
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                              Songs
                           NEIL INNIS

                        Additional music
                            DEWOLFE
then:
                 A M00se once bit my sister ...
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                        Costume Designer
                          HAZEL PETHING
then:
      No realli!  She was Karving her initals on the m00se
      with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
      by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
      star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
      Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
                               Nordfink".
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                  We apologise for the fault in the
                subtitles. Those responsible have been
                              sacked.
then:
              Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
              We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles.  Those
              responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
                          have been sacked.
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
            Production Manager        JULLIAN DOYLE
            Assistant Director        GERRY HARRISON
               Special Effects        JOHN HORTON
                  Choreography
              Fight Director &
             Period Consultant        JOHN WALKER
               Make-up Artists        PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
                   Photography        JULLIAN DOYLE
          Animation Assistance        LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
              M00se Trained by        TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA
DISSOLVE TO:
              Lighting Cameraman       TERRY BEDFORD
          Special M00se Effects       OLAF PROT
                 M00se Costumes       SIGGI CHURCHILL
DISSOLVE TO:
                       Designer       ROY SMITH
         M00se Choreographed by       HORST PROT III
        Miss Taylor's M00ses by       HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
        M00se trained to mix
        concrete and sign com-
        plicated insurance
                       forms by       JURGEN WIGG
DISSOLVE TO:
                         Editor       JOHN HACKNEY
         M00ses' noses wiped by       BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER

        Large m00se on the left
        half side of the screen
        in the third scene from
       the end,given a thorough
        grounding in Latin,
        French and "O" Level
                  Geography by       BO BENN

       Suggestive poses for the
             M00se suggested by      VIC ROTTER
                 Antler-care by      LIV THATCHER
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
             The directors of the firm hired to
             continue the credits after the other
             people had been sacked, with it to
             be known that they have just been
             sacked.

             The credits have been completed
             in an entirely different style at
             great expense and at the last
             minute.
FADE OUT:
         TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
                            Executive Producer
               JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                                Producer
                             MARK FORSTARTER

                               Assisted by
                              EARL J. LLAMA
                           MIKE Q. LLAMA III
                                SY LLAMA
                            MERLE Z. LLAMA IX
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                              Directed by
                          40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
                        ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
                         6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
                       142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
                        14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
                      (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
                          REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
                          76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
                FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
                                   and
                        TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
FADE OUT:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                       "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

   Mist.  Several seconds of it swirling about.  silence
   possibly, atmospheric music.  SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
   after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
   They come slowly closer.  Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
   followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
   together.   ARTHUR raises his hand.

                              ARTHUR
       Whoa there!

   SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish.  ARTHUR
   peers through the mist.  CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
   castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist.  On the castle
   battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen.  He peers down.

                               SOLDIER
       Halt!  Who goes there?

                               ARTHUR
       It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
       of Camelot.  King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
       sovereign of all England!

   Pause.

                               SOLDIER
       Get away!

                               ARTHUR
       I am...  And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
       length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
       our court at Camelot..  I must speak with your lord and master.

                               SOLDIER
       What?  Ridden on a horse?

                               ARTHUR
       Yes!

                               SOLDIER
       You're using coconuts!

                               ARTHUR
       ...What?

                               SOLDIER
       You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
       them together.

                               ARTHUR
           (Scornfully)
       So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
       land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

                               SOLDIER
       Where did you get the coconuts?

                               ARTHUR
       Through ... We found them.

                               SOLDIER
       Found them?  In Mercea.  The coconut's tropical!

                               ARTHUR
       What do you mean?

                               SOLDIER
       Well, this is a temperate zone.

                               ARTHUR
       The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
       or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
       not strangers to our land.

                               SOLDIER
       Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

                               ARTHUR
       Not at all.  They could be carried.

                               SOLDIER
       What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

|                               ARTHUR
|       Why not?
|
|                               SOLDIER
|       I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
|       inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
|       to find a coconut under a pound.
|

                               ARTHUR
       It could grip it by the husk ...

                               SOLDIER
       It's not a question of where he grips it,  It's a simple
       matter of weight - ratios ...  A five-ounce bird could not
       hold a a one pound coconut.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, it doesn't matter.   Go and tell your master that
       Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

   A Slight pause.  Swirling mist.  Silence.

                               SOLDIER
       Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
       its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
       second.   right?

                               ARTHUR
           (irritated)
       Please!

                               SOLDIER
       Am I right?

                               ARTHUR
       I'm not interested.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
           (who has loomed up on the battlements)
       It could be carried by an African swallow!

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       Oh  yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
       swallow. that's my point.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
       Oh yes, I agree there ...

                               ARTHUR
           (losing patience)
       Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
       of Camelot?!

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
       Oh yes.

   ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY.  They turn
   and go off into the mist.

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

                               SECOND SOLDIER

       Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       No, they'd have to have it on a line.

   Stillness.  Silence again.


2  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION

   CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints.  Sounds of
   strange medieval music.  Discordant and sparse.  Wailings and
   groanings.  The last picture mixes through into live action.
   BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down.  A leg falls across
   it.  Creaking noise.  The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
   reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart
   that is lumbering away from CAMERA.  It is pulled by a couple of
   ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES.  Behind the cart walks another
   MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
   of complete and utter impoverishment.  He wears a black hood and
   looks sinister.

                               CART DRIVER
       Bring out your dead!

   We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
   village.  A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
   In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
   legs dangling from the ceiling.  In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
   is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
   The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud.  And a MAN
   tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
   huge mallets.

                               CART DRIVER

       Bring out your dead!

   There are legs stick out of windows and doors.  Two MEN are fighting
   in the mud - covered from head to foot in it.  Another MAN is on his
   hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth.  We just catch
   sight of a MAN falling into a well.

                               CART DRIVER
       Bring out your dead!

                               LARGE MAN
       Here's one!

                               CART DRIVER
       Ninepence.

                               BODY
       I'm not dead!

                               CART DRIVER
       What?

                               LARGE MAN
       Nothing... There's your ninepence.

                               BODY
       I'm not dead!

                               CART DRIVER
       'Ere.  He says he's not dead.

                               LARGE MAN
       Yes he is.

                               BODY
       I'm not!

                               CART DRIVER
       He isn't.

                               LARGE MAN
       He will be soon. He's very ill.

                               BODY
       I'm getting better!

                               LARGE MAN
       You're not.   You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't take him like this.  It's against regulations.

                               BODY
       I don't want to go on the cart.

                               LARGE MAN
       Don't be such a baby.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't take him.

                               BODY
       I feel fine.

                               LARGE MAN
       Do me a favour.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't.

                               LARGE MAN
       Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes.  He won't
       be long.

                               CART DRIVER
       I promised I'd be at the Robinson's.  They've lost nine
       today.

                               LARGE MAN
       When's your next round?

                               CART DRIVER
       Thursday.

                               BODY
       I think I'll go for a walk.

                               LARGE MAN
       You're not fooling anyone you know.
           (to CART DRIVER)
       Isn't there anything you could do?

                               BODY
           (singing unrecognisably)
       I feel happy... I feel happy.

   The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment.  Then they both
   do a quick furtive look up and down the street.  The CART DRIVER
   very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
   but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

                               LARGE MAN
           (handing over the money at last)
       Thanks very much.

                               CART DRIVER
       That's all right.  See you on Thursday.

   They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
   forelocks etc.  ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
   the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody.  After
   they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

                               LARGE MAN
       Who's that then?

                               CART DRIVER
           (Grudgingly)
       I dunno, Must be a king.

                               LARGE MAN
       Why?

                               CART DRIVER
       He hasn't got shit all over him.


3  EXTERIOR - DAY

   ARTHUR and PATSY riding.  They stop and look.  We see a castle in the
   distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
   to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig.  ARTHUR and
   PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

                               ARTHUR
       Old woman!

                               DENNIS
       Man!

                               ARTHUR
       Man.  I'm sorry.  Old man, What knight live in that castle
       over there?

                               DENNIS
       I'm thirty-seven.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               DENNIS:
       I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

                               ARTHUR:
       Well - I can't just say:  "Hey, Man!'

                               DENNIS
       Well you could say: "Dennis"

                               ARTHUR
       I didn't know you were called Dennis.

                               DENNIS
       You didn't bother to find out, did you?

                               ARTHUR
       I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
       you looked ...

                               DENNIS
       What I object to is that you automatically treat me like
       an inferior ...

                               ARTHUR
       Well ... I AM king.

                               DENNIS
       Oh, very nice. King, eh!  I expect you've got a palace and fine
       clothes and courtiers and plenty of food.  And how d'you get that?
       By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
       dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our
       society!  If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

   An OLD WOMAN appears.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ...  Oh!
       how d'you do?

                               ARTHUR
       How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...
       can you tell me who lives in that castle?

                               OLD WOMAN
       King of the WHO?

                               ARTHUR
       The Britons.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Who are the Britons?

                               ARTHUR
       All of us are ... we are all Britons.

   DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.

       ... and I am your king ....

                               OLD WOMAN
       Ooooh!  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were
       an autonomous collective ...

                               DENNIS
       You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship,
       A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

                               OLD WOMAN
       There you are, bringing class into it again ...

                               DENNIS
       That's what it's all about ...  If only -

                               ARTHUR
       Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  What knight lives in
       that castle?

                               OLD WOMAN
       No one live there.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, who is your lord?

                               OLD WOMAN
       We don't have a lord.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               DENNIS
       I told you,  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune,  we take
       it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes.

                               DENNIS
       ... But all the decision of that officer ...

                               ARTHUR
       Yes, I see.

                               DENNIS
       ... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority
       in the case of purely internal affairs.

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!

                               DENNIS
       ... but a two-thirds majority ...

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!  I order you to shut up.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

                               ARTHUR
       I am your king!

                               OLD WOMAN
       Well, I didn't vote for you.

                               ARTHUR
       You don't vote for kings.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Well, how did you become king, then?

                               ARTHUR
       The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
       held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
       Divine Providence ...  that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...
       That is why I am your king!
|
|                              OLD WOMAN
|      Is Frank in?  He'd be able to deal with this one.
|
                               DENNIS
       Look,  strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
       swords ... that's no basis for a system of government.  Supreme
       executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
       some farcical aquatic ceremony.

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!

                               DENNIS
       You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
       just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up!

                               DENNIS
       I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
       moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
       put me away!

                               ARTHUR
           (Grabbing him by the collar)
       Shut up, will you. Shut up!

                               DENNIS
       Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up!

   PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

                               DENNIS
           (calling)
       Come and see the violence inherent in the system.
       Help, help, I'm being repressed!

                               ARTHUR
           (aware that people are now coming out and watching)
       Bloody peasant!
           (pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

                               DENNIS
       Oh, Did you hear that!  What a give-away.

                               ARTHUR
       Come on, patsy.

   They ride off.

                               DENNIS
           (in the background as we PULL OUT)
       did you see him repressing me, then?  That's what I've
       been on about ...


4  EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

   MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest.  They pass rune
   stones.  We TRACK with them.  CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.
   MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest.  They
   come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.

   Sound FX of fight.

   CUT TO their eyeline.  A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
   wooden foot-bridge across a stream.   At the start of the bridge a
   tremendous fight is going on.  A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his
   face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in
   green armour.  (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the
   BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY.  They watch, growing more impressed
   as they watch the fight.

   CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
   avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword
   out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.

   CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty
   mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.

   ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.

   CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
   ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close
   on the GREEN KNIGHT.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the
   fight reaching a climax.  Four almighty clangs.  Then Silence.

   CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out.  The BLACK KNIGHT
   sheathes his sword.

   ARTHUR looks at PATSY.  Nods and they move forward.

   CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head
   and hurling him into the river.  ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

                               ARTHUR
       You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

|                              BLACK KNIGHT
|      Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      I do not challenge you.

   The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

                               ARTHUR
       I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

   Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is
   only slightly thrown.

       ... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all
       the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...

   The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

                               ARTHUR
       You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

   Silence.

|                              ARTHUR
|      A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all
|      my knights ...
|
|                              BLACK KNIGHT
|      Never.
|
                               ARTHUR
       You make me sad.  But so be it.  Come Patsy.

   As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       None shall pass.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       None shall pass.

                               ARTHUR
       I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must
       cross this bridge.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Then you shall die.

                               ARTHUR
       I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I move for no man.

                               ARTHUR
       So be it!

   ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT.  A furious fight
   now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers
   a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at
   the shoulder.  ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

                               ARTHUR
       Now stand aside worthy adversary.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
           (Glancing at his shoulder)
       'Tis but a scratch.

                               ARTHUR
       A scratch?  Your arm's off.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       No, it isn't.

                               ARTHUR
           (Pointing to the arm on ground)
       Well, what's that then?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I've had worse.

                               ARTHUR
       You're a liar.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come on you pansy!

   Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's
   other arm off, also at the shoulder.  The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.
                               ARTHUR
       Victory is mine.
           (sinking to his knees)
       I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come on then.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

   He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet.  ARTHUR gets up still
   holding his sword.  The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

                               ARTHUR
       You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Had enough?

                               ARTHUR
       You stupid bastard.  You havn't got any arms left.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Course I have.

                               ARTHUR
       Look!

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       What!  Just a flesh wound.
           (kicks ARTHUR)

                               ARTHUR
       Stop that.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
           (kicking him)
       Had enough ... ?

                               ARTHUR
       I'll have your leg.

   He is kicked.

       Right!

   The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.
   The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I'll do you for that.

                               ARTHUR
       You'll what ... ?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come Here.

                               ARTHUR
       What are you going to do. bleed on me?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I'm invincible!

                               ARTHUR
       You're a looney.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

   ARTHUR takes his last leg off.  The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       All right, we'll call it a draw.

                               ARTHUR
       Come, Patsy.

   ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Running away eh?  You yellow bastard, Come back here and take
       what's coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!


5  EXTERIOR - DAY

   A village.  Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
   cracks.  It comes nearer.  We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
   flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
   wooden boards.  They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful
   YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets.  They drag her to a
   strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village.  A
   strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       We have found a witch.  May we burn her?

                               ALL
       A Witch! Burn her!

                               BEDEVERE
       How do you know she is a witch?

                               ALL
       She looks like one. Yes, she does.

                               BEDEVERE
       Bring her forward.

   They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up
   as a witch.

                               WITCH
       I am not a witch.  I am not a witch.

                               BEDEVERE
       But you are dressed as one.

                               WITCH
       They dressed me up like this.

                               ALL
       We didn't, we didn't!

                               WITCH
       This is not my nose,  It is a false one.

   BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

                               BEDEVERE
       Well?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       ... Well, we did do the nose.

                               BEDEVERE
       The nose?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       And the hat.  But she is a witch.

                               ALL
       A witch,  a witch,  burn her!

                               BEDEVERE
       Did you dress her up like this?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

                               BEDEVERE
       Why do you think she is a witch?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
       She turned me into a newt.

                               BEDEVERE
       A newt?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
           (After looking at himself for some time)
       I got better.

                               ALL
       Burn her anyway.

                               BEDEVERE
       Quiet! Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

   ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

                               ALL
       There are?  Tell up.  What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

                               BEDEVERE
       Tell me ...  what do you do with witches?

                               ALL
       Burn them.

                               BEDEVERE
       And what do you burn, apart from witches?

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       ... Wood?

                               BEDEVERE
       So why do witches burn?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
           (pianissimo)
       ... Because they're made of wood...?

                               BEDEVERE
       Good.

   PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

                               ALL
       I see.  Yes, of course.

                               BEDEVERE
       So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       Make a bridge out of her.

                               BEDEVERE
       Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

                               ALL
       Ah.  Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

                               BEDEVERE
       Does wood sink in water?

                               ALL
       No, no,  It floats.   Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her.  To
       the pond.

                              BEDEVERE
       Wait.  Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

                               ALL
       Bread?  No, no, no.  Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

                               ARTHUR
       A duck.

   They all turn and look at ARTHUR.  BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

                               BEDEVERE
       Exactly.  So... logically ...

                               FIRST VILLAGER
           (beginning to pick up the thread)
       If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

                               BEDEVERE
       And therefore?

                               ALL
       A witch! ... A duck!  A duck!  Fetch a duck.

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

                               BEDEVERE
       We shall use my largest scales.

   He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed,  made of
   wood and rope and leather.  They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
   in another.  Each pan is supported by a wooden stave.  BEDEVERE checks
   each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

                               BEDEVERE
       Remove the supports.

   Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers.  The GIRL and the duck
   swing slightly but balance perfectly.

                               ALL
       A witch!  A witch!

                               WITCH
       It's a fair cop.

                               All
       Burn her!  Burn her!  Let's make her into a ladder.

   The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
   each other admiringly.

                               BEDEVERE
       Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

                               ARTHUR
       I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege ... forgive me ...

   ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.


                               ARTHUR
       Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
       and join our number at the Round Table?

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege,  I am honored.

   ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

                               ARTHUR
       What is your name?

                               BEDEVERE
       Bedevere, my Liege.

                               ARTHUR
       Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!


|6  VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION
|
|                               VOICE OVER
|       And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
|       the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
|       To sit at The Round Table ...
|
|   Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting
|   his Knights:
|
|   1.   ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
|        MIX TO:
|
|   2.   A castle.  LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
|        group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
|
|   3.   MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
|        down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
|        and approaching SIR HECTOR.  ARTHUR dubs him.
|
|   4.   MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
|        of buildings or whatever.  In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
|        the lute by one of his MUSICIANS.  ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
|        immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
|        join ARTHUR & CO.
|
|   5.   MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens.  He is wearing a carpenters
|        apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
|        We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
|        the hen-house and goes to join them.
|
|   6.   MIX TO the group riding along again.
|
|   7.   MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other
|        CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
|        castle, WIFE and CHILDREN.  The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
|        hanging outside it.  A real family castle.  There are at least
|        six kids.
|
|   8.   MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
|        GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
|        six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
+
+6  CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
+
+   THE BOOK OF THE FILM
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
+       but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Galahad the Pure ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
+
+   Hand turns Page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
+       and the aptly named ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
+       throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...
+
+   A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.
+
+   Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:


7  EXTERIOR - SUNSET

   Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
   at the front of the group deep in conversation.

                               BEDEVERE
       And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

                               ARTHUR
       This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how
       sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

                               BEDEVERE
       OF course, my Liege ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (he points)
       Look, my liege!

   They all stop and look.

                               ARTHUR
           (with thankful reverence)
       Camelot!

   CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance.  Illuminated in the rays of
   the setting sun.

   Music.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group.  They are all staring with fascination.

                               GALAHAD
       Camelot ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Camelot ...

                               GAWAIN
           (at the back, to PAGE)
       It's only a model.

                               ARTHUR
           (turning sharply)
       Sh!
           (to the rest)
       Knights!  I bid you welcome to your new home!  Let us ride ...
       to Camelot.


8  INTERIOR - NIGHT

   CUT TO interior of medieval hall.  A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
   engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
   'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number.  The poorer verses
   are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
   the described task while the line itself is sung.  They sing:

                               KNIGHTS
       We're knights of the round table
       We dance whene'er we're able
       We do routines and chorus scenes
       With footwork impeccable.
       We dine well here in Camelot
       We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

       We're knights of the Round Table
       Our shows are formidable
       But many times
       We're given rhymes
       That are quite unsingable
       We're opera mad in Camelot
       We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

   Booming basses.  A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
   armour producing a pleasing effect.

       In war we're tough and able.
       Quite indefatigable
       Between our quests
       We sequin vests
       And impersonate Clark Gable
       It's a busy life in Camelot.

                               SINGLE MAN
       I have to push the pram a lot.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

                               ARTHUR
       No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

                               KNIGHTS
       Right!

                               ARTHUR
       It is a silly place.

   They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance
   and strange heavenly choir music.  The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
   moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts.  ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
   fall on their knees.  A holy voice booms out.

                               GOD
       Arthur!  Arthur ...  King of the Britons ...

   They all prostrate themselves even further

       Oh, don't grovel ... do get up!  If there's one thing I can't stand,
       it's people grovelling!!

   ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

                               ARTHUR
       Sorry ...

                               GOD
       And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
       sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
       What are you doing now?

                               ARTHUR
       I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Well, don't.
|      I really don't know where all this got started.
       It's like those miserable psalms.  they're so depressing.
       Now knock it of

                               ARTHUR
       Yes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Right.  Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
       Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

                               ARTHUR
       Good idea, O Lord!

                               GOD
       Course it's a good idea.

   Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
   is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.

       Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
|      the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

   The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
   ... the KNIGHTS gasp.

       Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
       this Grail.

   It begins to fade.  Music crescendo as both lights fade.

       That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...

   It is gone.  All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment.  They
   all turn and look at ARTHUR.

                              LAUNCELOT
       A Blessing.  A blessing from the lord.

|                             BEDEVERE
|      Praise be to God!
|
|  An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We have a task,  we must waste no time! To Camelot!
|
+                              GALAHAD
+      God be praised!

   Stirring music crescendo.  They ride off.

   CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
   titles CUT TO:


9  EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

   MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach
   a terrific castle (a little one would do too).  They advance quite close to
   the castle and draw themselves into a line.  At a signal from ARTHUR the two
   PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

   A MAN appears on the battlements.  ARTHUR addresses him.

                               ARTHUR
       Hello.

                               MAN
       'Allo.  Whoo is eet?

                               ARTHUR
       I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
       Table.  Whose castle is this?

                               MAN
       This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

                               ARTHUR
       Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
       with a sacred quest,  and if he will give us food and shelter for
       this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

                               MAN
       Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
       He's already got one, you see?

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               GALAHAD
       He says they've already got one!

   They are stunned.

                               ARTHUR
       Are you sure he's got one?

                               MAN
       Oh yes.  It's very nice
+
+  CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+
+                              MAN
+      I told him we already got one.
+
+  They all giggle.
+

                              ARTHUR
       Well ... can we come up and have a look?

                               MAN
       Of course not!  You are English pigs.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, what are you then?

                               MAN
       I'm French.  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
       silly king.

                               GALAHAD
       What are you doing in England?

                               MAN
       Mind your own business.

                               ARTHUR
       If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

   Murmurs of assent.

                               MAN
       You don't frighten us, English pig-dog!  Go and boil your
       bottoms, son of a silly person.  I blow my nose on you, so-called
       Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

   He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

                               GALAHAD
       What a strange person.

                               ARTHUR
       Now look here, my good man!

                               MAN
       I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
       food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction.  You mother
       was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

                               GALAHAD
       Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

                               MAN
       No.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

                               ARTHUR
       Now this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonab...
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
+                              GUARD
+      Quoi?
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
   CUT BACK TO battlements.  A cow is led out of a stall.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

                               ARTHUR
       Now that is my final offer.  If you are not prepared to agree to my
       demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

   A cow comes flying over the battlements,  lowing aggressively.  The cow
   lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      What a cruel thing to do.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (Choking back tears)
|      It hadn't even been milked.
|
                               ARTHUR
       Right! Knights! Forward!

   ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle.  Various shots of them battling on,
   despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

                               ARTHUR
           (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
       Knights!  Run away!

   Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd
   cow or goose hitting them still.  The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

                               LAUNCELOT
       The sods!  I'll tear them apart.

                               ARTHUR
           (restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
       No!

                               BEDEVERE
       I have a plan sir.

   CUT BACK TO battlements of castle.  FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
   towards the English lines.  Wind whistles.

   Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
   Emptiness.  Wind.  More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
|  As night falls.  MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
|  torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
|  woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

   During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
   followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

   CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous.  Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
   Nothing.  Wind.  Dawn still breaking.  Shots of the FRENCH.  They suddenly
   hear something.  A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

   CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland.  Squeaking getting louder.  Shot of
   the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing.  WIDE SHOT again.  The squeaking gets louder
   an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
   undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle.  The ENGLISH scuttle
   back into the undergrowth.  The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
   and a rather crudely written label,  which reads "Pour votres amis
   Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes.  Then he
   turns and leaves battlements.

   CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes.  The main gate of the
   castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out,  then another
   Froggie head,  then another.  They mutter to each other in French,  look
   rather pleased,  then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

                               ARTHUR
       Now what happens?

                               BEDEVERE
       Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
       and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
       not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

                               ARTHUR
       Who ... Who breaks out?

                               BEDEVERE
       Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ...  leap out of the
       rabbit and ...

   LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

                               BEDEVERE
       Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

   ARTHUR cuffs him.  ARTHUR looks at the battlements.  There is a loud twang.
   Look of horror.  The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.


                               ARTHUR
       Run away!

   More shouts.

       Run away!

|                              SIR GAWAIN
|          (to his PAGE as they run away)
|      It's only a model.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sh!

   They continue to retreat.  The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
   (who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).


10  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

    CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle.  He speaks straight
    to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

    SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:  A Very Famous Historian.

                               HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
       Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
       King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
       completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
       was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
       to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
       knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
       individually.  Now, this is what they did.  No sooner...

    A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground.  He rides off.

    We stay for a moment on the glade.  A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
    twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
    HUSBAND.

                               MRS HISTORIAN
       FRANK!

    CUT TO animated frame,  with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
    Pleasant pastoral music.  MIX THROUGH TO:
+   VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"


11  EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

    A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
    his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts.  As we see them approach
    we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
    the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
    thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
    one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

    The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song,
    but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
    to have their effect ...

    SONG:

       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
       He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
       Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
       To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

       His head smashed in,  and his heart cut out,
       And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
       And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
       And his penis split ... and his ...

                               ROBIN
       Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
       It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

                               SINGERS
       Brave, Sir Rob ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.

   They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

       +------------------------------------------------------+
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       +------------------------------------------------------+
    +------------------------------------------------------------+
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    +------------------------------------------------------------+


12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree.  With their feet off the
   ground,  with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
   like a barbecue.

   Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe
   through their skulls.  They look timorous.

|  Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it.  They all
|  look fed up.  SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Morning.
|
|                              ONE LADY
|      Bye.
|
   SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
   terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
   enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

                               THREE HEADS
       Halt!  Who art thou?

                               SINGERS
       He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

                               ROBIN
           (to SINGERS)
       Shut up.  Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

                               THREE HEADS
       What do you want?

                               SINGERS
       To fight and ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.  Nothing really.  just to pass through, good Sir knight.

                               THREE HEADS
       I'm afraid not.
|      This is my bit of the forest.  Find your own bit.

                               ROBIN
       I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
|      I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

                               THREE HEADS
       You are a Knight of the Round Table?

                               ROBIN
       I am.

   From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shit.

                               FIRST HEAD
       In that case I shall have to kill you.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shall I?

                               THIRD HEAD
       Oh, I don't think so.

                               SECOND HEAD
       I'm not sure.

                               MIDDLE HEAD
           (to FIRST)
       What do I think?

                               LEFT HEAD
       I think kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm still not sure.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      All right.  How many of me think I should kill him?
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I do.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      One.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      That's not a quorum.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      It is if I'm the Chairman.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, it's not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm the Chairman this week.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      You're not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      To kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Yeah.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (tuts)
|      Oh, damn.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|         (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      With one absenting.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Sorry about this but I have to be fair.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Oh, that's all right.  So you are going to kill me with your big axe.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Er no, with my sword.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Dagger.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Mace is quicker.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      No, no, the sword, it's easier.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      He said axe.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
|      For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Yapping on all the time.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You snore.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, lies.  Anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|          (aspirating heavily)
|      I haven't.
|
|  Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      It's not my fault.  It's what you both eat.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Look, stop this bitching.  We've got a knight to kill.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      He's buggered off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      So he has.  He's scarpered.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      That's all your fault.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      No, it's not.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|          (swipes at himself)
|      Take that.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Ow.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I'm sorry.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      'Ere, stop it.  I'll teach you.
|
|  The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
|  argue and shout with pain.  We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
|  tree.  They are still very fed up.
|
|                              MAIDEN
|      I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.
|
|                              LOVELY
|      Chance would be a fine thing.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! let's be nice to him.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh shut up.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Perhaps I could ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh, cut your own head off.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes - do us all a favour.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      What?
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Yapping on all the time.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      What do you mean?
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You snore.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
+      and biscuits.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! not biscuits ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
+
+  WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      He's buggered off!
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      So he has! He's scarpered.


13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN.  The music is jolly and bright, as if
   triumphant.  ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

                               SINGERS
       Brave Sir Robin ran away.

                               ROBIN
       I didn't.

                               SINGERS
       Bravely ran away, away.

                               ROBIN
       No, no, no.

                               SINGERS
       When danger reared its ugly head,
       He bravely turned his tail and fled
       Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
       And gallantly he chickened out
       Bravely taking to his feet
       He beat a very brave retreat
       Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
       Petrified of being dead
       Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
       Turned away and fled.

   They disappear into distance.

   ANIMATION:  "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"


14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

   As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
   over slippery rocks.  Progress is hard.  He pauses and at this moment
   we hear the howling of wolves.  GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
   more urgently.  Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
   and falls heavily.  Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
   forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain.  More louder
   closer howling.  He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
   a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
   perhaps looking rather derelict.  He makes up his mind in an instant and
   stumbles manfully toward it.  More louder howling.  He reaches the
   forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
   handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while.  Pause.
   He beats again, shouting:

                               GALAHAD
       Open.  Open the doors.  In the name of King Arthur.  Open the doors.
|      I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
|
|  Some suitable noises are herd inside.
|
|      I am on a quest for the Holy Grail.  I seek shelter.

   Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
   drawn.  The wolves' howling is very close.  As the door creaks
   open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.

15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

   From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
   as the door crashes behind him.  GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
   fact he is trapped.

                               ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
       Hello!

   GALAHAD turns back.  We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
   smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
   around in the seductively poulticed room.  They look at him smilingly and
   wave.

                               GIRLIES
       Hello!

                               ZOOT
       Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

                               GALAHAD
       The Castle Anthrax?

                               ZOOT
       Yes.  It's not a very good name, is it?  But we are
       nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

                               GALAHAD
       Er ...
+      You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

                               ZOOT
       The what?  But you are tired and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
       Crapper!

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
       Yes, O Zoot?

                               ZOOT
       Prepare a bed for our guest.

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
           (grovelling with delight)
       Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

                               ZOOT
       Away varletesses!
           (to GALAHAD)
       The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, look er, I ...

                               ZOOT
       What is your name, handsome knight?

                               GALAHAD
       Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

                               ZOOT
       Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
           (she is very close to him for a moment)
       But come.

   She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
   to the bedchamber

                               GALAHAD
       Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

                               ZOOT
       Sir Galahad!!

   There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

                               ZOOT
       You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

   GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS.  They are clearly on the verge of
   being offended.

                               GALAHAD
       Well ...

                               ZOOT
           (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
       I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
       to yours.  We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
       sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
       one to protect us.  Oooh.  It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
       dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

   They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
   ZOOT turns

                               ZOOT
       We are just not used to handsome knights ...
           (she notices him limping)
       But you are wounded!

                               GALAHAD
       No, It's nothing!

                               ZOOT
       You must see the doctors immediately.
            (she claps again)
       You must lie down.

   She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
   room.  They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically.  They
   approach GALAHAD.

                               PIGLET
       Well,  what seems to be the trouble?

                               GALAHAD
       They're doctors?

                               ZOOT
       They have a basic medical training, yes.  Now you must try to rest.
       Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet!  Practice your art!!

                               WINSTON
       Try to relax.

                               GALAHAD
       No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

                               PIGLET
       We must examine you.

                               GALAHAD
       There's nothing wrong with ... that.

                               PIGLET
           (slightly irritated)
       Please ... we are doctors.

   ZOOT reappears.  GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax.  Then there is
   a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour.  WINSTON glances quickly
   in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
   bed and collecting his armour, saying:

                               GALAHAD
       No, no, this cannot be.   I am sworn to chastity!

                               PIGLET
       Back to your bed!  At once!

                               GALAHAD
       I'm sorry, I must go.

   GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room
   we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
   and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful.  They smile
   enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
   the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.  He nods to them stiffly once
   or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
   He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Good evening ... Ah, Zoot!  Er ...
|
|                              DINGO
|      No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh.  Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
|
|                              DINGO
|          (very dramatically)
|      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Er, why?
|
|                              DINGO
|      She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
|      stay for ever!
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Oh ... will you excuse me?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Where are you going?
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
+
+                              DINGO
+      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      What is it?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting fire to our beacon,
+      which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ...  It is not the
+      first time we've had this problem.
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      It's not the real Grail?
+
+                              DINGO
       Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
       penalty.  And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
       ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.  Come!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking!  A spanking!

                               DINGO
       You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
       may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

                               AMAZING
       And spank me!

                               STUNNER
       And me.

                               LOVELY
       And me.

                               DINGO
       Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking.  A spanking.  There is going to be a spanking tonight.

                               DINGO
       And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, dear! Well, I...

                               GIRLS
       The oral sex ...  The oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

   At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
   possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
   form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Sir Galahad!

                               GALAHAD
       Oh ... hello ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Quick!

                               GALAHAD
       Why?

                               LAUNCELOT
       You are in great peril.

                               DINGO
       No he isn't

                               LAUNCELOT
       Silence! Foul temptress!

                               GALAHAD
       Well, she's got a point.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We'll cover your escape!

                               GALAHAD
       Look - I'm fine!

                               GIRLS
       Sir Galahad!

   He threatens DINGO.

                               GALAHAD
       No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

                               GIRLS
       Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

                               GALAHAD
       No, really, I can cope.  I can handle this lot easily!

                               DINGO
       Yes, let him handle us easily.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No sir.  Quick!


   He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

                               GALAHAD
       No, please.  Please! I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred.

                               GIRLS
       He will beat us easily.  We haven't a chance.

                               DINGO
       Oh shit!

   By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
   area and are running through the outside door.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.

                               GALAHAD
           (dragging his feet somewhat)
       I don't think I was.

                               LAUNCELOT
       You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       It's too perilous.

   They are right outside the castle by now.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, no, we must find the Grail.

  The thunderstorm is over.  A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with
  more MEN waiting.  Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away
  with their coconuts.  GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       No.  It's unhealthy.

                               GALAHAD
       ... I Bet you're gay.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, I'm not.

   GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT.  VOICE comes in as
   they ride off.

                               VOICE OVER
       Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
       temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
       of their search for the Holy Grail.  Only Bedevere and
       King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
       any progress.
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