From: wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu (William F. Garrett)
Subject: Silly Magic Items (part 3 of 3)
Organization: Cornell Univ. CS Dept, Ithaca NY 14853
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 17:51:20 GMT

Folks,

Here is the third (and final) installment of my list of Silly Magic Items.
A few people have mentioned problems in reading some of these posts.
Drop me an e-mail message if you had trouble (I'm dealing with a new
newsreader).  Better yet, drop me a message if you saw all 3 parts!

				- The Wizard

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The Magic Items that TSR Forgot (part 3 of 3)
by Bill Garrett


Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for
the past 13 years?  Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-
fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items.  Drop
one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.

Potion of PMS

This potion causes its imbiber to be subject to violent mood shifts
for d4+1 days.  These mood shifts can occur as frequently as the
player or DM desire, but a general rule is every four to six hours.


Potion of Gaseous Farts

Causes unsurpressible flatulence for d6+4 rounds.


Horn of ThreeTons

When blown, this horn causes one ton each of shrubbery, cats, and
cream pies to rain down upon the user.  It is rummored that different
horns summon forth different combinations.


Loincloth of Strangluation

Works like the Necklace of Strangulation, but affects a different
region of the body.


Manual of Goyim

The title should explain it all.  If you don't understand it already,
just forget it.


Manual of Painful Exercise

After reading this lengthy book and dutifully performing all the
exercises described therein for 30 days, the reader will permanently
lose 2 points of Dexterity due to bruised ligaments.


Lenses of Protection

You wouldn't hit a person with glasses, would you?


Wand of Masturbation

[CENSORED]


Sword +1, +5 vs. Wielder

This maleficent weapon has a secret desire to destroy any creature who
possesses it.  On an unmodified attack roll of 1, 2, or 3, the weapon
strikes the wielder for maximum damage.


Whip of Self-Flagellation

This whip appears to be an ordinary flogging device until actually
picked up, at which point the holder is cursed into becoming a
masochist.


Dagger of Whining

This miserable little blade is never happy.  Whether sheathed or
drawn, it will always find something to complain about, such as "Put
me back Q it's cold out!", "Awww, now I'm all bloody!", and "I've been
dropped, and no one's picking me up!"


Trident of Dish Command

Make those plates do your bidding!  This weapon can control either 4d8
normal plates/bowls/cups or 2d8 pots/pans/cookie sheets.


Gauntlets of Groping

They seem to have a mind of their own...


Nolzur's Marvelous Mushrooms

Each 'shroom has enough psychedelic energy for a really wild trip.
These fungi are typically found in small colonies of 4d4 mushrooms.


Hammer of Dunderdolts

This powerful warhammer always functions as a +0.001 weapon.  Whenever
an attack roll of an unmodified 20 is rolled, the hammer will fly
forth with a deafening "DUUUHHHHH!!" and will strike the target for
normal damage plus triple the magical bonus.  The victim's
Intelligence will be reduced by 5 points or one-half, whichever is
lower.


Gauntlets of Ogre Brains

Immediately lowers (raises?) the wearer's Intelligence and Wisdom to
those of an average Ogre -- namely, 6 in each.  Also modifies the
user's posture and manners to those common to Ogres.


[-- End Part 3 of 3 --]

-- 
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| Bill Garrett                                       Cornell University |
| wgarrett@cs.cornell.edu                Department of Computer Science |
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