From: simon@research.canon.oz.au (Simon Walmsley)
Subject: Re: REQUEST: Shoot yourself in the foot w/ computer languages.
Organization: Canon Information Systems Research Australia
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 05:13:31 GMT


David Geiser (dag@col.hp.com) writes:

>granben@elof.iit.edu (Benjamin Granzeau) writes:
>>
>> Could some send me the file that tells you how to shoot yourself in the foot
>> using different computer languages.  I need it soon.  Thanks!    `8r)
>
> "Which language is right for you?" by Simon Walmsley and Steve Suttles

I would like to point out that Steve Suttles (who I have never heard of until
now) has doctored my original posting, and given himself half credit for the
entire posting, even though he added the pathetic efforts of `Windows' & TECO.

Steve: Here is my original post, please credit where due, and if you're going
to add an entry, mark them to show authorship. And if you can't understand
the assembler ones, leave them in for others whose creativity hasn't been burnt
out by crappy Microsoft & IBM windows junk might find them amusing.


Which language is right for you?
--------------------------------

In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the
competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.

6502:
	You shoot yourself in the foot.

Z80, 8080...:
	You foot yourself in the shoot.

6510:
	You shoot yourself in both feet, since they are overlapping

6809:
	You shoot half a bullet in your foot, and the other half in someone
	else's foot.

68000:
	You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you
	hang yourself.

68008:
	You shoot yourself in the foot, but your finger is slower and has
	smaller capacity than your brain, so you did not shoot yourself
	as fast as the company advertised you would.

Ada:
	The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
	a blindfold and a last cigarette.

APL:
	GN </ FT ^ BLT

BASIC (interpreted):
	You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
	is waterlogged and falls off.

BASIC (compiled):
	You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
	launcher.

C:
	You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out
	what you did.

C++:
	You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
	foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL:
	USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
	ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
	HIP.HOLSTER.

csh:
	After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
	the computer and switch to C.

dBase:
	You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
	are promised to work so you buy them.  Then you find out that the
	next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
	shoot bullets.

FORTRAN:
	You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
	toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
	was anticipated.

Modula-2:
	You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
	might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

occam:
	You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.

ORCA/C:
	Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!

Pascal:
	Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
	gun and your hand is blown off.

Pascal:
	You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
        is the wrong type and out of range to boot!

PL/I:
	After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
	processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
	and drops the original on your foot.

Prolog (interpreted):
	Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
	before the bullet leaves the gun.

Prolog (compiled):
	The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting
	you in the foot, but it replies "No."

Smalltalk, Actor:
	After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
	manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol:
	Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.

-- 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simon Walmsley					| simon@research.canon.oz.au
Canon Information Systems Research Australia	| Phone	+61-2-805-2918
PO Box 313 North Ryde NSW 2113			| Fax	+61-2-805-2929
Newsgroups: rec.humor