Newsgroups: alt.horror.cthulhu
Subject: Cthulhoid godlings: How to spot them and what to do when you've spotted
From: pgut1@cs.aukuni.ac.nz (Peter Gutmann)
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 23:53:54 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Dept. University of Auckland

Have you ever wondered whether the person sitting at the terminal next to 
you might not actually be a Cthulhoid godling in disguise?  Have you ever 
puzzled about the fact that small children seem to mysteriously vanish when 
they're in their presence?  That occasionally you have the feeling that 
they're watching you.  Hungrily.  Or pondered on why they need those extra 
eyes on stalks, or the tentacles, or the claws, the teeth, and the fiery 
breath (even when they *haven't* been eating Thai food)?  Well, with this 
simple test you can find out once and for all:

   IS YOUR NEIGHBOUR REALLY NYARLATHOTEP IN DISGUISE?
   IS THAT CTHULHU SITTING BEHIND YOU OR JUST YOUR CAT?
   WHY HAS YOUR DOG SUDDENLY ACQUIRED RED GLOWING EYES AND A TONGUE
	WHICH WOULD MAKE A KOMODO DRAGON GASP IN DISBELIEF?
   WAS THE HIGHWAY UNDERPASS REALLY DUG BY THE LOCAL COUNCIL, OR IS THERE
	A CHTHONIAN ON THE LOCAL BOARD OF ENGINEERS?

To find out, start here:

1. Can you see the person at the terminal next to you?
    
   Yes          -> 2
   Sometimes    -> 3
   No           -> 4

2. Does it have any sort of shape?

   Yes          -> 5
   No           -> 6

3. The person is actually a flying polyp.  Count yourself priviledged, at about
   this time in the earth's history they were all locked into underground
   vaults by the Great Race.  Must be an escapee.

4. The person is a star vampire.  Ignore them, they tend to be very boring,
   especially when they get to the stage where they start pulling out photos of
   their kids, which are all invisible.

5. Is this shape worm-like?

   Yes          -> 11
   No           -> 8

6. Is it growing slowly larger?

   Yes          -> 7
   No           -> 12

7. It's Azathoth.  Either your computer is located at the centre of the
   infinity (doubtful), or he's decided to drop in for a visit.  It's probably
   not even worth running.

8. Does it have wings?

   Yes          -> 9
   No           -> 10

9. Did it need to tear the roof/walls off the building to get into the
   room?

   Yes          -> 19
   No           -> 20

10. When asked "Yo dude, are you like, Nyarlathotep man?" does it affirm this
    in any way (saying "Yes", howling at you, waving it's tentacle, trying to 
    tear your face off, etc)?

   Yes          -> 18
   No           -> 15

11. Is it merely huge, or is it absolutely fucking enormous?

   Huge         -> 21
   Enormous     -> 22

12. Is it squatting in a lightless corner making wierd noises on some sort
    of flute-like instrument?

   Yes          -> 13
   No           -> 14

13. It's a Servitor of the Outer Gods.  These guys are usually found in 
    places inhabited by extremely powerful transcosmic entities.  Unless you
    happen to be an extremely powerful transcosmic entity, it might be a good
    idea to check your life insurance, will, etc.

14. Is it made up of lots of pretty coloured spheres?

   Yes          -> 23
   No           -> 24

15. Is it vaguely humanoid in appearance?

   Yes          -> 16
   No           -> 17

16. Is it having trouble using the computer due to the fact that it's
    about the size of the building itself?

   Yes          -> 25
   No           -> 26

17. Is it rather large and shaped like an octopus?

   Yes          -> 19
   No           -> 27

18. It's Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos of the Gods (also occasionally known
    as "VM/CMS").  Chances are he'll be busy mudding, (Nyarlathotep is a 
    confirmed mud fan), so just leave him alone and he may ignore you.

19. It's some sort of Cthulhoid spawn.  In theory this guy should currently
    be asleep, so maybe he was just looking for somewhere else to continue
    his nap.  You can rest assured that, even if it's currently busy
    ripping your arms off, it's probably just a simple accident due to a
    vivid dream.  Maybe it had a disturbed childhood and needs some sort of
    counselling.

20.  Does it have five tentacles, legs, eyes on stalks, etc etc?

   Yes          -> 28
   No           -> 29

21. It's a Chthonian.  These guys throw really boring parties.  If invited
    to one, decline politely.

22. It's a Dhole.  Congratulations, it was thought that these creatures 
    didn't exist on earth.  Lucky you for finding one.
		       
23. It's Yog-Sothoth.  Yog-Sothoth knows where the Old Ones broke through in
    the past, and where They shall break through again.  Yog-Sothoth knows the
    gate.  Yog-Sothoth is the gate.  For this reason it's usually a good idea 
    to be anywhere but where Yog-Sothoth is.

24. Is it an enormous, roiling festering mass suspended in midair, or is it
    ground-based?

   Mass of floating slime and tentacles -> 30
   Ground-based                         -> 31

25. It's the Wendigo.  From this it can be ascertained that you live somewhere
    in the Arctic circle, since it prefers these climes.  If your location is
    subtropical, you may want to politely point out that it seems to be a long
    way from home, and enquire as to whether it's lost.

26. Is it greyish, oily, slimy-looking?

   Yes          -> 34
   No           -> 35

27. Has it suddenly materialized from a corner, has it dropped out of a roiling
    festering mass suspended in midair, or is it just sitting there regarding
    you calmly from atop it's fifteen-foot cone-shaped body?

   Materialized suddenly        -> 36
   Dropped off Shub-Niggurath   -> 37
   Cone-shaped                  -> 38

28. It's an Elder Thing.  Don't mention Shoggoths!

29. Does, it have a long worm-like body, does it look like a giant bird, or is
    it something different altogether?

   Worm-like body       -> 39
   Bird-like            -> 40
   Something else       -> 41
		       
30. It's Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat with a Thousand Young (not to be
    confused with the Mutant Star Goat which ate Golgafrincham).

31. As it comes for you, is it merely oozing along, or is it forming temporary
    appendages to carry it?
   
   Forming appendages   -> 32
   Oozing               -> 33

32. It's a Formless Spawn.  Little is known about them.  If you do decide to
    strike up a conversation with it, try and remember all the details so that
    they can be used in the future to study these creatures.  If it utters
    a cry of "Tekeli-Li" as it eats you then you've got it wrong and you're
    actually being digested by a Shoggoth.  Better luck next time.

33. It's a Shoggoth.  These things were severly traumatised due to being
    enslaved by the Elder Things for a millenium or two, and so should be
    treated in a kind an sympathetic manner.

34. It's a Moon-Beast.  These creatures seem to use torture so consistently that 
    it is surmised they derive some sort of physical or mental benefit from it.
    So as you die screaming in a bubbling mass of blood and shattered bones,
    you can rejoice in the fact that at least it's keeping someone else happy.

35. Is there a strong smell of dead fish in the air?

   Yes  -> 42
   No   -> 43

36. It's a Hound of Tindalos.  If you've got some doggie yum-yums around, now
    might be a good time to go and find them.

37. It's a Dark Young, one of Shub-Nigguraths many kids.  These will 
    occasionally drop in to play with local kids, smash a few houses, and
    dismember your pets.  Remember to send them home before dinnertime.

38. It's one of the Great Race.  These types are generally regarded as being an
    extreme nuisance due to their habit of scribing illegible symbols into any
    available flat surface.  Why they do this and don't just write it down is
    a mystery, it's not as if it had to survive millions of years or anything.

39. It's a Hunting Horror.  Hunting Horrors can speak in human voices, and
    are often found fronting up thrash-metal groups.

40. It's a Shantak.  Surprisingly, Shantak's are rarely found near computers,
    as they prefer to spend their time surfing or arguing about nonlinear
    physics.

41. Does it look vaguely like a mutant wasp, does it have a mostly featureless
    head which looks like a giant sponge, or is it's face missing such minor
    details as eyes, a nose, a mouth, and ears?

   Mutant wasp  -> 44
   Spongehead   -> 45
   No face      -> 46

42. It's either a Deep One or Unhygienix, Gaulish fishmonger.

43. Does it have scales, teeth a foot long, claws, and bad breath?

   Yes  -> 47
   No   -> 48

44. It's a Byakhee.  Byakhee are not altogether crows, nor moles, not buzzards,
    nor ants, nor decomposing human beings.  Maybe they're very confused
    parrakeets?

45. It's a Fungus from Yuggoth.  Unlike your generic fungus, these things can
    move, walk, fly, even talk.  Their habit of collecting living human brains
    makes them somewhat unpopular.  If you happen to have a brain, stay away
    from them.

46. It's a Night Gaunt.  Like undergraduates, nightgaunts tend to come in 
    large annoying flocks.  Nightgaunts are unintelligent and are frequently
    used as pets or servants by others.

47. It's some sort of dragon.  You're in the wrong mythos, go and read
    rec.games.frp.

48. Does it look like something you'd expect to find crawling around an 
    abandoned cemetery on moonless nights?

   Yes  -> 50
   No   -> 51

49. What are you doing reading this bit?  Nowhere does it say "-> 49".  Go 
    back to 1. after having your wrists slapped by the nearest Ithaqua.

50. It's either a Ghast or a Ghoul.  Both sorts have a thing for human flesh, 
    prefer object-oriented programming languages to non-OO ones, and only ever
    drink decaff.  For this reason they are usually studiously avoided by Real
    Programmers.

51. Is it wearing dark glasses, a silly grin, and long red hair?

   Yes          -> 52
   No           -> 53

52. It's Stuart, a Cthulhoid entity so frightening even HPL didn't dare
    mention him.

53. It's a dimensional shambler.  It's presence is related to complex matrix
    mathematics.  Chances are there is a high-end vector processor in the
    vicinity.  The appearance of Dimensional Shamblers in the vicinity of these
    systems is an occasional annoyance which most people have learnt to take
    in their stride.

So there you have it.  If you're still around to read this then either 
you're not in the presence of any cthulhoid beings, or you're a cthulhoid 
being yourself in which case why did you even bother reading it in the
first place?  Oh, and if you're He Who Is Not To Be Named, when are you 
finally going to bring back the lawnmower you borrowed several weeks ago?  
Geez, just because they happen to be an Elder God they think they can borrow
your stuff and never return it.

Peter.
--
    pgut1@cs.aukuni.ac.nz || peterg@kcbbs.gen.nz || peter@nacjack.gen.nz
				 Cthulhu in '96?
Newsgroups: alt.horror.cthulhu