From: Jeremy_Reimer@mindlink.bc.ca (Jeremy Reimer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: WARNING: NON-CRAPOLA MATERIAL AHEAD (N-Man #2)
Date: 24 Jul 92 06:40:29 GMT
Organization: MIND LINK! - British Columbia, Canada
Distribution: world

At the risk of injecting some actual humour into rec.humor, (or at least a
Canadian spelling abberation), I'm posting the second episode of the Adventures
Of N-Man (close-captioned for the humour-impaired)

Next episode: Next week!  Same N-Time, Same N-Channel!

Enjoy...

N-MAN: THE SAGA CONTINUES...

EPISODE N=2:  The Plot

        Like every other super-hero ever invented, N-Man had enemies.
Without enemies there would be little for a hero to do between watching
reruns of Cheers and doing the laundry.  These particular enemies didn't
know that they were in fact The Mortal Enemies of N-Man, but they would
learn soon enough.
        Sitting at a large table in some unspecified dark room was a
short bald man with an evil grin.  Being a fairly nasty enemy, he was of
course German, and his name was Count Karl Von Klaussenberg.  He wasn't
really a Count, but it looked good on the job application forms.  He
laughed his patented evil laugh.
        "Mwahahahahahaha!" he cried out to his seedy band of cohorts.
He had realized earlier that he could not be a potentially evil villain
without a seedy band of cohorts, so he phoned up the number in the
classifieds next to the escourt agencies and hired six seedy-looking
people to fill the positions. None of them were too bright, or
interesting, so let's ignore them and get back to the Count.
        "If thees works, I vill be the most poverful man in ze world!"
he said, mixing up his accents in the excitement.  "Eets so zimple,
first I vill poison ze world's vater supplies by increasing vater
fluoridation twelve hundred percent!  Take that, you bodily fluids!
With every major political leader suffering from mottled, painful teeth,
I vill zen blow up ze entire vorld's supply of gum ointment!  Ze chaos
zat vill arize from dis dastardly deed will probably not be enough to
make me leader of ze entire world, but it's certainly a start!  Ha!
Sorry!  Mwahahahahaha!"
        The six seedy cohorts replied with a far inferior laugh.  Karl
straightened up, pulled down his shirt in Captain Picard style, and
stared into the distance.  "Go!" he shouted to his band of stupid
cohorts.  "Zat's an order, you silly pieces of thing I scraped off my
shoe!  Get going!"
        Meanwhile, N-Man was in his lair watching TV.  His favorite
team, the Minnesota North Stars, had just lost the Stanley Cup in the
seventh game in overtime to the heavily-favoured Quebec Nordiques.
"What is this world coming to?" he cried, and sighed the standard sigh
of a hero who has had the cruel world lean heavily on him yet again.  He
fiddled with the hundred- button remote and changed channels.
        On the screen a strangely familiar character was starring in one
of those half-hour commercials, attempting to sell the world a wonderful
new product for having beautiful shiny white teeth in seconds.  The
mixture was trumpeted as containing elements such as Hydrogen and
Chlorine which were in combination the secret to dazzlingly pearly
whites.
        N-Man flipped to one of the seven separate CNN channels.  This
was his favourite one, being dedicated to Dastardly Deeds Done By
Demonic Dictators and Other Evil People.  They had not had much work to
do since the Gulf War had ended, but this time they were showing a
feature on the mysterious poisoning of water supplies by exessive
fluoridation and the subsequent destruction of the world's major gum
ointment factories.  N-Man put two and two together, came up with
approximately 4.00 plus or minus .71924, and raced over to the N-mobile.
        The N-Mobile teared out of the Hidden Entrance, much to the
surprise of several passing bicyclists.  At full speed N-Man raced to
the cheese shop.  He parked the car, engaged the
Super-Kill-Anyone-Who-Approaches-This- Car-Without-the-Special-Car-Keys
security device, and went in.
        The shelves were empty.  "Say, this isn't much of a cheese shop,
is it?" he asked the wizened old owner.
        "I've heard that one, before, sonny!  All I've got is this
mouldy old heap of Brie.  Ya want it?"
        N-Man pulled out his American Express Gold Card.  "No, take it,
it's free!" the man said.  "I've been trying to get rid of it for
years!"
        N-Man took the cheese, walked out of the store, remembered he
had forgotten his car keys, raced back into the store, came out again
and took off in his sleek grey N-Mobile.  He looked at his watch and
noticed that it was only ten minutes until the end of the episode.  "I'd
better wrap this up," he said.  "Can't have an annoying two-parter."
Fourtunately the villain's hide-out was only a few miles away and
clearly marked on the road map. N-Man tried to valiantly break the door
down, but it was too solid, so he set up some explosives and used them
to blast the door open.  He rushed in and came face to face with his
nemesis.
        "Who the hell are you?" asked Karl (The Evil Villain).
        "I'm N-Man, champion of good, destroyer of... no, there's no
time for all that.  Want some Brie?"
        "OK," said Karl.  He tore off a piece of the foul-smelling
cheese and ate it.  Soon he became very sick and turned a purilent green
colour.
        "I'll do anything you want," he gasped, "please give me an antidote!"
        "There is no antidote, silly," replied N-Man.
        "Well do the impossible and invent one!" Karl screamed.
        "I'm a super-hero, not a doctor," N-Man said and walked out.
        Karl eventually did recover, but not before N-Man had destroyed
his Evil Water-Fluoridation Machine with a stick of gum and four
toothpicks. Needless to say, it would be a long time before Karl would
try a stunt like THAT again.  Probably not even until next episode.

NEXT EPISODE:  - N-Man on holiday!
               - Superintelligent baked beans on toast!
               - Peter Mansbridge for the Hair Club for Men!


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