From: ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu (Arthur Delano)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: the nadir of the christmas season
Date: 12 Nov 1992 03:20:38 GMT
Organization: pagan finchhaus
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: helen.oit.itd.umich.edu

A catalogue of christmas-season gifts and goods came in the mail
the other day.  we keep them around as something to read when the
news is old, or there is otherwise little to lend our attention to.
i read one this morning over breakfast, pointing out the highlights
to john.  the merchandiser in question is the crown house of gifts
and home accessories, should you want the stuff listed below.

+ we first thought that the santa doormat was major-case tacky.  It had
  a full-color rendering of santa claus lowering his glasses, grinning
  mildly.  mistletoe berries garnish two corners of the design, and the
  slogan CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY surrounds the scene.  the
  catalogue description reads as follows: 'Stir up a little excitement
  this holiday season with this pressure-activated doormat.  When guests
  arrive and step on mat, Santa will speak up with a cheerful Christmas
  greeting.  Requires 2 "AA" batteries.'  over the photo is the following:
  'Step on doormat and Santa responds with "Ho, ho, ho -- Merry
  Christmas!"'

we both agreed that it was very bad.  but i continued to leaf through
the catalogue.  a lot of the material offered is merely nauseatingly
cute; resin-cast victoriana that will remind people of 'a christmas
carol' and suchlike.  lots of white cotton and snow flocking adorn the
little village scenes the photographers made with the models.

but the worst of the catalog appeared several pages later, in which
an assembly of little mousies, bear cubs, and elves cavort on and
around the cultural detritus of the united states in the following
christmas tree ornaments (among others):
+ a bear cub, wearing a sweat band and pedalling a tricycle, sucks from
  a miniature can of diet coke atop a lifesize replica of a diet coke can.
  the product description reads: 'A."Christmas Trimmin'." Energetic bear
  uses diet Coke {tm} as part of his holiday shape-up regimen.'
+ 'H. "Warm And Cozy Christmas." Busy elves eagerly decorate a can of
  Yuletide cheer.'  it is a can of campbell's condensed merry christmas
  soup.

the prize winner:

+ 'K."Holiday Take-Out." Hardworking boy offers up a tasty McDonald's(r)
  treat.  Dated 1992.'  an elfish looking boy holds out a bag and cup of
  mcdonald's foodstuff through the drive-through window.  the mcdonald's
  sign takes up 1/3 of the model.  all is decorated with miniature tree
  lights.  the snow on the sign and the ground has little sparklies on it.

half the offense is how removed from reality this ornament is.
the kid ought to be adolescent and poorly shaved.  the bag 
should be oil-stained, missing fries, and bulging.  the cup 
should be mostly ice and held with a mitten.  the kid should 
be scowling, and under the uniform (which ought to be brown 
instead of hospital-white) there should be an old, fading 
metallica teeshirt.  the snow ought to be brown and blackened 
and crushed and half-melted as it is anywhere autos go, rather 
than be the white, radiantly sparkling fluff shown here.  the 
mcdonald's sign should have holes in it from when the local 
drunken high-school residents used it as a rock-throwing target.  
the smell of grease and the kid's last cigarette should fill the 
air, the sounds of fryer alarms and heavy metal music should reverberate.

sorry campers.  mice and bears and elves dressed up and cavorting around
are acceptable and traditional.  we've been seeing the damned things all
our lives on teevee and in children's books.  they have, in fact, become
a kind of reality inasmuch as people are more likely to believe what they
see on teevee than what they experience.  but this virginal holiday
mcdonald's scene is patently bullshit.

writing to you from a place where family values is an issue of
brand identification, this is AjD signing off.
-- 
                       ajd@oit.itd.umich.edu
'i have had my ups and downs but wotthehell wotthehell' -- mehitabel
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre