From: sdavis@khan.ColoSpgs.NCR.COM (Susan Davis)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Our parents and spanking
Date: 9 Nov 92 16:31:57 GMT
Reply-To: sdavis@khan.ColoSpgs.NCR.COM (Susan Davis)
Distribution: world
Organization: NCR Microelectronic Products Division

>>So, if you were raised in a home where your parents spank, and they didn't
>>do so in an abusive manner, AND you oppose spanking, I'd sure like to hear
>>briefly why you do

Jane Marcus Wrote:

>I was spanked upon occasion as a kid.  I respect and love my parents,
>and thank them for their efforts; they did the best job with parenting
>that they knew how.  However, I do not use my parents' method of 
>discipline on my children.  

>I would have to say that spanking and an authoritarian atmosphere in
>my own upbringing was counter-productive.  It sometimes made me fear
>my dad, the big authority figure.  I almost never talked with my dad
>about important things, and he only became a true friend to me later
>in life when I was able to relate to him as an adult.
[ Stuff Deleted ]
>Jane Marcus

This caught my eye.  I recall only a few instances of spanking when I was
a child but I also recall being afraid of my dad until I was an adult.  In
both cases, the spanking had a drastic impact in my social development
growing up.  The results were not affective in my mind!  

When I was about 6 or 7 and my brother was 4 or 5 we had a babysitter (teenage
boy) who "bribed" my brother and I to take off our clothes so he could "look"
at us.  It became a game and his reward was to give us piggyback rides or
something like that.  He said that seeing us naked would help him learn about
the body for school.  He warned us to never tell our parents or we would
get in alot of trouble.  When my mother would suggest that one of us needed
a bath before bed (on nights he babysat) I got very upset.  It was about
this time that I started locking doors and refussing to let someone else
give me a bath or see me naked (including my mother).  Infact my modesty
lasted through my college years.  In high school gym I always changed my
clothes in the bathroom stall and would never take a shower with other
people looking.  In college I would never change my clothes infront of
my roommate -- only in the bathroom.  I still have trouble changing infront
of my mother because that habit is so ingrained.  Well, one day my parents
were over at a neighbors house (we lived in military base housing) and
my brother and I were home alone and a little boy from across the street
came over and asked if he could come in and play.  Well we made this into
our "game" and told him that he could only come in if he took off his
clothes.  He ran home and told his dad who then told our dad.  That
evening our parents gave us a talk about how wrong we were and then told
us that we would be spanked.  We were then spanked methodically while
the other watched.  I told both my parents about the "babysitter" when
I was a young adult.  Infact I think I told my father 2 years ago when we
were gathered for his mothers funeral.  I remember he cried.  My point is
that in my mind it was very unjust to be punished for something that we
saw another "athority" figure (the babysitter who was left in charge) do.
I still remember that his name was CHUCK.  I don't remember very many 
babysitter's names but this one sticks with me.  I don't think my brother
remembers any of this or if he does he wasn't affected in the same way
I was.  I don't think that Chuck's behavior went beyond looking, atleast
I hope not -- sometimes I wonder if I have forgotten part of the details.

The other instance I recall being spanked was when I was 8 and we had just
moved to a new state.  One of the neighborhood girls came over to play with
me (she was 5).  We were in my room "playing" and my mother came in to tell
me she was leaving to go shopping.  I had wanted to go with her (I loved
shopping with my mother) but because Lori was there I was told I could not
go.  In my mind this was a girl I barely knew who was several years younger
than me.  So, I just refussed to play with her any longer and I sat in
my closet.  Well, my dad came in and spanked my infront of her (I think with
pants down).  For many years after that Lori took great pleasure in telling
other kids on the block how she had seen me get spanked with my pants down.
I always said she was lying.

One time my mother (in a rage) took a hairbrush to my brother.  I don't
remember what for (he was about 6 or 7).  She has always said how horrible
she feels about doing that.  Other than the few time above I don't really
remember being spanked, but I do remember that a few times my dad got 
really mad and would hold me up against the wall at his eye level and 
"put the fear of God in me" and then send me to my room -- usually over
not eating certain foods -- especially game (moose, elk, venison).  My
eating "problems" remained over the years and I have always used food as
a means of control in my life.  All in all I had a difficult time making
friends in high school because of all my quirks (I wouldn't share my
coke with someone or eat after others and I was very picky about what
I would eat).  I was teased quite often.  It's funny because when I was
about 8 my dad was butchering a deer in the garage and he told me it
was Bambi.  Then he expected me to eat it!!

I get along very well with both my parents.  They divorced when I was 16
and since then I have seen a remarkable change in my father.  He truely is
a very compassionate man.  He behavior is very different with his 2nd wife.
My mother and I have always been very close.

Ryan (19 months) got his first spanking (2 actually) on Saturday night.  
We were at our friends house playing cards and Ryan was playing with their 
3 year old.  He started running around the living room shaking his milk cup
upside down all over their new carpet and Alan ran over and gave him a
swat on the butt.  Then about 30 minutes later he wacked Ben across the
head with the handle of a push toy and Alan did the same thing.  Alan and
I talked later and we both felt bad about our response to the situation.
It struck me how unjust it seemed to "hit" Ryan for "hitting" Ben.  It
doesn't seem an appropriate way to teach that hitting is wrong.  I told
Alan that I really didn't feel right about spanking and he agreed.  I
asked him if he was ever spanked as a child and he said NEVER!  We will
probably start using a time-out for inappropriate behavior.  By the
way, my husband turned out great -- in many ways he turned out much more
adjusted and likable than I did.  He is compassionate and giving and makes
friends very easily -- and, HE WAS NEVER SPANKED!

-- Susan Davis (Mommy to Ryan 19 months and ?? Due 5/6/93)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|Susan P. Davis, Design Services |  >>>>                 Susan.Davis@ncr-mpd |  |NCR Microelectronics  (AT&T)    | >>>>         Susan.Davis@ColoSpgs.NCR.COM |  |Colorado Springs, CO            |>>>>(719) 596-5795 x435 VOICEplus 463-0435 |
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xref: sparky misc.kids:27915 sci.med:20603