Newsgroups: alt.child-support

> What an excellent definition of anger Alan.  I realize it would be
> difficult to summarize the coursework on the net, but on the other hand,
> I suspect many of us could benefit greatly from any suggestions
> regarding the anger excercises.  I for one would.  And if those feelings
> were directed in a dignified and healthy manner, so much the better!

Well anger exercises are almost always healthy but almost never
dignified.  That's the hardest thing about learning and using them.  You
must suspend your conscious disbelief and *do the exercise*.  Afterward
you can feel the release of tension, quite tangibly, and you know it was
"all right", but at the time it can feel really silly.

A simple example of an anger exercise is to beat on a couch with an
empty 2-liter pop bottle while calling up your darkest feelings about
the source of the anger (usually a person), and expressing them aloud.
Do this in private.  It hurts nothing and no one.  By verbalizing the
evil angry sentiments, you do not enshrine them, actually you exorcise
them.

I did this recently in the middle of the night after getting the brush
off from a woman I wanted to date.  It took about 30 seconds and
afterwards I felt "normal" again.  Bloodless brain surgery.

Another example of an anger exercise is to imagine bashing the guy in
the back seat, who just insulted you as you were driving down the road,
a couple of good wallops with a sledge hammer, while actually saying
nothing, just gripping the wheel.  Not nearly as expressive as, say,
driving off the road at 65MPH, but it beats retaliating aloud or driving
on in angry silence.  This happened to me last weekend.

Tell you what, here I will offer and append a document I wrote (in
nroff/troff format) that summarizes my learning on this subject.
Perhaps most readers will ignore it, or read it but not internalize it,
or even remember it but not actually practice it -- but maybe it will
make a difference to a few, as it has to me.  Give it a try.  You have
nothing to lose.  Good luck.

.\" Version 4
.\" Printing this paper requires troff -mm.
.\" .nr Ls is used to control list item spacing (0 = none, else lowest level).
.ds HF 3 3 3 3 3 3 3
.ds HP 14 14 14 14 14 14 14
.nr Hs 7	\" all headers separated from text.
.nr Hb 7	\" all headers followed by blank line.
.\" ----------
.\" A simple, short page header:
.de TP
.sp 2
..
.\" ----------
.S 18
.ce 1
.B "Anger:  Roots and Coping Methods"
.S P
.sp 1
.ce
Summary by Alan Silverstein
.br
.ce
from Fisher Divorce and Exploring Singleness Seminars
.br
.ce
.\" date:
Printed \*(DT
.\" ==========
.sp
.H 0 "Root Causes of Anger"
.P
.nr Ls 0	\" list depth (none) with spacing between items.
.BL
.LI
.B hurt
(past)
.LI
.B frustration
(present)
.LI
.B fear
(future; something of value feeling threatened)
.LI
.B inadequacy
(about own identity)
.LE
.\" ----------
.P
.IR "Anger is a natural, automatic response" .
.br
.IR "Anger is like an energy charge in a battery" .
.\" ==========
.sp 2
.H 0 "Methods of Dealing with Anger (from least to most healthy)"
.sp
.nr Ls 1
.AL
.\" ==========
.LI
.S +2
.B "Vent it back at the source"
.S P
.\" ----------
.P
.BL
.LI
This is simple, honest, and direct.
.LI
But if you do it immediately, it escalates the situation.
.LI
And if you delay it, you become sour and grudge-holding.
.LI
Either way, it alienates others by hurting or frightening them.
.LI
There is evidence that quick anger, not stress in general,
is the true cause of ``Type A'' heart problems.
.LE
.\" ==========
.LI
.S +2
.B "Stuff it inside"
.S P
.\" ----------
.P
.BL
.LI
Stuffing it makes you a ``nice'' person, but not a happy person.
.LI
Are you conditioned to feel that expressing anger,
or even just feeling anger,
is wrong, even sinful?
.LI
.IR "If you don't deal with it, it will deal with you" .
.LI
.IR "Anger turned inwards produces depression" .
.LE
.\" ==========
.LI
.S +2
.B "Do anger exercises"
.S P
.\" ----------
.P
Express the anger in a
.IR "harmless, neutral manner" .
.BL
.LI
.IR "Take responsibility for your anger" ;
own and control it.
.LI
.IR "Do something physical to express it" ;
best if it's intense, even tiring.
.LI
Choose an appropriate, private time and space.
.LI
Vent the energy harmlessly;
.IR "hurt no one, nor anything of value to anyone" .
.LI
Give yourself permission,
or make a suggestion to yourself,
whichever works better for you.
.LI
Suspend your disbelief.
Symbolism is powerful to your unconscious mind,
even if your rational part finds it silly.
.LI
.I Accept
your anger,
.I express
it, and
.I forgive
the other person.
.LI
Often almost magical; cathartic, and followed by euphoria.
.LI
Gets easier with practice; can be done quickly.
.LE
.\" ==========
.LI
.S +2
.B "Put the anger to constructive uses"
.S P
.\" ----------
.P
Like anger exercises,
but look for creative ways to put the energy to constructive uses.
.\" ==========
.LI
.S +2
.B "Become a person less sensitive to the roots of anger"
.S P
.\" ----------
.P
.BL
.LI
Hardest method, but most rewarding in the long term.
.LI
.IR "Make choices, not demands" ;
they give others power over you.
.LI
.IR "Have preferences, not expectations" ;
so you are less vulnerable to unforeseen circumstances.
.LI
.IR "Choose to interpret facts and situations in a positive manner" ;
this leads to better feelings.
.LI
Empathize with others.
Don't assume maliciousness
.B or
stupidity when a different map of the world suffices.
Every behavior has a positive intent, sometimes unconscious,
in the other person's map of the world.
.LI
You will still have anger sometimes.
It's an unavoidable,
.SM OK
part of being human.
Vent it with anger exercises.
.LE
.LE
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