From: prauda@dol-guldur.hut.fi (Kristiina Prauda)
Subject: Castle: KATHREA'S STORY (PART 2)
Organization: Helsinki University, Finland
Date: 11 Oct 92 15:59:19


...Sorry about the delay - the connections were down yesterday, as
I sort of predicted, and there was no use putting anything out. 

Hope they'll do something about that, and soon... 


Kristiina 
Official FireDancer of the RFA
prauda@dol-guldur.hut.fi


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>But my magical abilities were dormant, simply because I did not 
>believe I would ever have any... until Soron came and saw everything
>that I was and could be. 

He was a very young wizard, only a year older than I was, and he came
to the court for a short apprenticeship as a counselor to the King. 
He had already amazed the leading members of the Guild and the Academy
with his talent (the Council of Wizards was founded only later, after 
the Academy was lost; and the wizards were not as powerful a force as 
they have been in my world in later days). It was predicted that he 
might become the strongest of them all in time, as he studied more 
and perfected his Art - but the predictions were late. He already was 
the strongest in skill and in strength both, though he delighted in 
small, neat, innovative solutions that could be as effective as huge 
bursts of magic. And he had visions - incredible dreams of a greater
future, a future that he wanted to learn to build... He was so much 
like his name: Soron means "Eagle". He was only twenty, I was even 
younger. And we fell in love. 

Why it happened so, who could ever tell? We became friends first, 
because of my curiosity and fascination to his sharp wit and his
magic, and his interest to something in my emotional impulsiveness, 
perhaps to my magical potential, too. Liking grew to love and slowly 
heated up to a great flame, through all the shyness, eagerness and 
growing pains of the first real love. We were very different, which 
partly accounted for the pains... He was logical, witty, even cold 
at first, because he hid his compassionate nature behind those things; 
brilliant of mind, quick to no passions except pity and the helping 
of those who suffered unjustly. In some senses he was very restrained: 
he did not like to reveal anything of himself to people, and he 
resented great shows of emotion. Magic he knew, but emotions were an 
unknown, unknowable province to him...

Me, I knew how to play that province. I was, even by then, a powerful 
projecting empath, and there was no telling me to control my 
emotions: they were blood and breath to me. No, I had to be me, to
feel everything, to have everything, to love and live with all my 
soul and body and be loved in return. I was not greedy of wealth 
or power - though why would I have longed for something that I had
already? - but only for happiness, for people to love me and make
me feel belonging and safety. I needed horribly much to be accepted, 
and feared rejection. 

Soron certainly did not reject me. We grew even closer, when he 
finally convinced me of my magical potential and began to instruct
me in it. And when he returned to the Academy of Magic, I went with
him. My parents and the King were all reluctant to give me their 
respective permissions, since the profession of a wizard was not 
considered quite proper for a highborn lady, far less a princess. But 
I was determined to have my will, and I did. Even then, just as I 
always did... I moved to the Academy and began to absorb knowledge 
as hungrily as a desert absorbs water. I had finally found my place
and purpose in life. 

Some things were as natural to me as breathing, once someone had 
shown them to me - some were like walking, requiring a conscious
decision but no real effort. Some were harder, then - but my 
teachers soon noticed that it was best to let me practice the 
spells that were my natural province, so that I would learn to 
deal with the concept of magic and its usage. My raw powers were
so strong that the main thing was to learn to control them, once
their world had opened to me. 

But even then, I fear, the importance of control was not stressed 
enough. It was the nature of my magic to be in direct connection 
with my emotions - I think the operative term is "spellbinder" - so 
it was felt that I should be able to practice it that way, too. The 
idea that there was now another magician with raw power to rival 
Soron was just too exciting - everyone wanted to see what I was 
capable of. 

For a year I was happy with my studies and Soron, but things were
not to be so simple for me - not that they ever have been. As it 
is common to happen, my first enthusiasm wore off quite soon, and 
the everyday practice and study began to feel tiresome and boring. 
And as for Soron - I loved him and he was good to me, when he was
there, but very often he was not. He had so many other things to 
worry about, so many journeys to make, so much research to do. He
was constantly absent from the Academy, sent to the court or to
some other place as an advisor. Even when he was with me, and even 
though he then was warm and caring and a wonderful lover, I felt
that he did not do enough to make up for those absences. 

Poor Soron - he was never one for grand romantic gestures, no matter 
how much he loved. And is that any wonder, when you come back from a 
tedious journey and days of negotiations and only wish to go to your 
own chamber and sleep - and here you have this whirlwind of emotion 
to meet you, full of energy, full of suggestions of things to do, full 
of all kinds of needs and demands...

Thus I was rapidly becoming both one of the strongest magicians that
even walked our earth - and bored with my life. I wanted more spark,
more excitement into my life, as if there were not enough! But I 
felt neglected, unwanted and unlovely and wanted someone to prove me
that I wasn't. And I soon found the spark I needed.