From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Confrontation with my mother
Date: 6 Jan 1993 00:15:08 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

anon-1298@twwells.com (Carol) writes:

>Christmas Day. I had to invite her over. I didn't want to see
>her, but these traditions can be hard to break... By the end
>of the day I was reasonably drunk and told her why it is I've
>been avoiding her all year. I said "Mum, I was sexually abused
>by John (her ex) when I was a kid and I'm in counselling for
>it now. Yes I blame you and that's why I haven't wanted to
>see you." 

>Well she took me completely by surprise - hugged me
>(I can't remember her ever hugging me before), said she was
>sorry, said we'd have to work it through, and lots of other
>amazingly reasonable things.

>Three days later she rang all upset. She was feeling guilty.
>She was horrified about what had happened. I thought "Christs,
>I've had enough trouble dealing with all this myself - I don't
>want to have to help *her* deal with it now..."

boy does *that* sound familiar.  way way famililar.  i was abused by my mom's
ex boyfriend, and when i confronted her about it (by mail) she called me up all
in tears like i was suppsed to make *her* feel better.  sigh...

>I said the
>first thing I could think of. I asked her to come to my next
>appointment with my counsellor so the counsellor could give her
>something to read and tell her not to feel guilty and my
>responsibility could thus be absolved.

[ mom's denial and self-focusing deleted ]

>Uggh. I feel exhausted. I never want to see my mother again. I want her
>OUT OF MY LIFE. 

well, then, get her out of your life.  you're not obligated to keep your
mother.  you didn't choose her, you didn't sign anything saying "the party of
the first part agrees to keep in good stead this mother in perpetuity."  so
change your phone number, stop answering her mail, or even move so she can't
drop by.  if you wanted to be really sneaky (and, i suspect, only quasi-legal),
you could have some documents forged up, and get a friend to dress up in a cop
suit and go over to her house:

*knock knock*
mom:      yes?
officer:  are you <your mother's name>
mom:      yes, is there a problem officer?
officer:  ma'am, i hate to have to tell you this, but your daughter was
          killed the day before yesterday in a fire at her residence.
	  (officer hands her the "coroner's report," "death certificate," and
	  so on)
mom:      (looks horrified, accepting the papers)  are you sure it was her?
officer:  yes, ma'am.  they had to identify her by dental records, but they're
	  sure.  (officer points to some entry on the coroner's report)
mom:      (speechless)
officer:  i'm sorry ma'am.  good day.  (leaves)

now this keeps her from a) wanting to see the body, and b) wanting your stuff,
which presumably burnt to ash.  isn't that a fun thought?  well, maybe.  fun to
fantasize about anyway... heh heh heh.

anyway, i just wanted to say i empathize, there have been times i've wanted my
mom out of my life too.  just don't think that you *have* to keep her, or that
you owe her just because she's your mom or anything.  it's one of those "big
lies" that float around in this society.

>Signed
>	an angry but resigned Carol

>PS - thanks as ever for being there

oh, you're welcome.  i enjoy it.
-- 
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery