From: slh@gtech.com (Sandy L. Haddon)
Subject: Response for Poohbear
Organization: GTECH Corporation, West Greenwich, RI
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1992 22:13:37 GMT

Hi all have you missed me?  I have been lurking but I felt compelled to 
answer poohbear.  I have swiss cheese for my memories but what I do 
remember is the place the poohbear was all too well :(.

poohbear writes:

>Oh shit.  This might end up being a *****spoiler***** so I just want
>everyone to beware.

>Things suck.  Things really suck.  I ended up at the ER 2 nights ago, and
>got 9 stitches from my cutting.  Plus they yelled at me and told me
>I should hAVe gotten the ones from last time stiched too.  Then they
>told me my arms will be ugly and I should stop.

I have found that a lot of health professionals do not really understand
why I would ever choose to cut myself up.  It's not easy for them to "see"
it as I did.

>  WHAT THE HELL WHAT
>THE HELL WHAT THE HELL  WHY  tell me why they think that telling me
>my arms will be ugly will help.  

It won't.

>And they all had such an attitude;
>sneering "why did you cut yourself?  what did you accomplish?" as if
>I were trying to cause them trouble or something.  

I think it sounds as if they are very frustrated people.

>My doctor doesn't
>even know yet; my therapist is super worried and put the emergency
>services people on "alert" for me.  So now, if I call, everyone will
>panic and they WILL SEND ME AWAY.  Oh God.  

Have you been able to think about the "why" you choose to cut yourself?
I can supply you with a little information that is only my own.  This may
not end up being a whole lot of data but every single word was a long,
difficult fight for me, Poohbear.  I want you to know that you are,
by virtue of the fact that you cut yourself, ready to "make it" (by this
I mean that you have had enough of the pain and you are ready to deal with
it and do the work you have to do to, in your words, "make it").  It's
a lot of work but you CAN do it.  You have connected to a.s.a.r and that
was work as well as another signal that you are ready to "make it".  You
are posting your thoughts, telling us about your feelings and you are
surrounded by people here that are rooting for you.  


(when in doubt, use the spoiler warning...)
**************** Possible ?Spoiler? Warning *********************

I used to feel so very bad that I felt I had no other choice but to cut.
And cut, I did.  

I didn't feel like I had a choice.  I didn't feel like there
was any other way to stop the pain.  Just stop the pain.  I can't stand
the emptiness, I can't stand the black hole I have in me, I can't take it
anymore.  

I noticed that while I was cutting me up with my S.A.K, I didn't feel
anything.  I was distracted from the pain, I was busy, I had something to
do that took away the internal pain.

I also got scars out of the deal.  Something I could physically point to and
say, "look - that was when I hurt so much that I had to hurt myself".  This
was concrete evidence that proved I really hurt my self at some point in 
time.  I hurt a whole lot and this scar right here proves it.  And this one,
and that one too.

I had no care as to whether they (the scars) were ugly or not.

I realised that I actually wanted the scars.  Why?  Because I felt awful all
of the time and had no basis for this awful-ness.  I mythologised my parents,
friends and family.  I was fed, educated and "supported".  I had no scars
I could not point to a spot on my body and say --"that's when xxxx hurt me".

Unfortunately, I was and sometimes am, a walking scar.  (This "happy"
description was provided by the dragon, my therapist).  It's been 2+
years and I'm still hard at it.  Sometimes I don't feel awful at all
and that's what it is all about.
******************* End spoiler  ****************************************

If you are feeling so very bad right now that you are thinking about cutting
yourself, I have some suggestions for you to ponder that worked for me.

1. I tell a safe somebody right away and/or get with a somebody (safe 
   somebody) and do whatever you can handle.  That is, I have spent 
   time with a safe somebody doing absolutely nothing, talking is not 
   a requirement.

2. I sing and play guitars (6+12 string).  I write songs sometimes.
   I think that your pictures sounded like a lovely tool to use.  Arts and 
   music are not just hobbies for some of us.  They are tools that help 
   us express what we feel and when we can do that we can begin to 
   heal (ew...can you tell I write songs..:)...??).


>They also told me I now have no more health insurance.  And school is
>gonna start, and I am pretending that I am actually going to make it.
>Right.  My therapist told me that the school won't tolerate my
>cutting and that they'll make me leave.  Oh shit, this is bad.  I am
>really screwed.  I am not gonna make it.  

I think that you are gonna make it.  I think that you just need a little
time.  Wish there was an electronic way to send you the balm you need
right now for your wounds, not just the physical ones.


Good luck poohbear, I wish you well.  
E-Hugs to you if you can handle them.
E-mail me if you wish.

San