From: kapa@cbnewsc.cb.att.com (k.a.perkins)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Procreation?
Summary: our experience
Date: 14 Oct 92 02:39:22 GMT
Article-I.D.: cbnewsc.1992Oct14.023922.25190
Distribution: na
Organization: AT&T

In article <1992Oct11.185724.6922@infonode.ingr.com>, greg@cherokee.b23b.ingr.com (Greg Moritz) writes:
> I was having a bit of a chat with my sister recently.
< mixed experiences indicating sometimes husbands are main instigators
of parenthood, sometimes wives are >

> What is the experience of netters out there on this issue?  Who is the
> 'instigator' of the 'fruitful multiplication' going on that you see?
Very mixed.  I have heard some men express the thought that children
were the only good reason for being married, and if you weren't going
to have kids, why be married?  In other cases, actually most, the
couples have at least presented it as a united decision, although one
woman told me that her husband actively lobbied her to get her to agree
to a second baby.  In our case, we had agreed on "sometime", and I was
the one who pushed for "now", but that is typical of us, that I tend to
take a more active approach to things and my husband takes a more laid
back approach.  About the only generalization that I would make about
men and women is that women seem to like babies a lot more than men,
and men seem to vastly prefer children to babies.
> 
> Also, on a related note, are there many folks out there who don't desire
> children ... ever? 
Well, I'm not one of them, which is fortunate I suppose, since I have
one and 7/9, but most of my close friends fall into the never want
any category.  In my view, their reasons are mixed, although the reasons
that I think they have aren't necessarily how they perceive their
reasons.  Some of it is a reaction to the bad parenting they received,
and some of it has to do with reasons of autonomy and control.  Several
are just occupied with other pursuits, such as their careers, or they
just don't feel they want kids enough to take on the responsibility.
I applaud them for sticking to their decision.  There is a lot of social
pressure to bear children, but there are a lot of children around, too,
so it isn't like the world needs a lot more.  Some people feel that
they're considered selfish for not wanting children, but even if that
were true, I don't see it as a bad thing.  What's wrong about deciding
what you want in your life and going after it?  Besides, it's fairly
selfish to have children.  I wanted children because I wanted a certain
experience for myself, not because I thought I was doing a good deed.

> if I can avoid it, I would like never to have one of
> my own.
> 
> My feelings have been described as immaturity by some, but I'd like to
> feel that I am not alone here.  Others say that I will someday change my
> mind, but they have been telling me that since I was 20 (thirteen years
> ago).
well, if you were immature, you wouldn't be alone in that either.  :)

I have seen parenthood change some people, usually men, to bring out
new levels of concern for and consideration of others where I don't
think they would have developed in that direction without the children
in their lives, but I have seen others never grow that way either.

You might change your mind, who knows?  Life is long, and there are
a lot of experiences that can change your opinions on how to live your
life.  If you don't change your mind, you should stick to your guns
and not have kids.  As we can tell from the cross postings from
alt.fathers.rights.screw.my.kids.who.cares, the last thing the world
needs is more parents who don't want to be parents to their kids
anymore.