From: cosulliv@fraser.sfu.ca (Christina Marie O'Sullivan)
Subject: Debbie Does the Vatican
Organization: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, B.C., Canada
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 17:55:30 GMT

                       DEBBIE DOES THE VATICAN

			a piece of whimsy by Christina O'Sullivan
			copyright by Spirit of Eden Productions
			1992 All Rights Reserved

Director Lucretia Joblanski and Producer Skip Binkley Junior are on a 
soundstage, auditioning people for a television critic show modelled
on "Sneak Previews" or "At the Movies".  Hopefuls are asked to review
a film they have all seen together before the audition... "Debbie Does
The Vatican."

Skip:  You've all seen the film, and hopefully have taken notes.   When you do your audition, be calm, but not too controlled.  Say what you feel,  feel
what you say.  Put energy into it, remember it's your show!  Put your
own personal panache into the criticism.  Don't be afraid to be controversial.

Lucretia: Shut up.

Skip: Yes, Lucretia.

Lucretia: Let's start with the geezers.

Len marches ahead of George, his arms swinging like metronomes. George
meanders to the 'b' chair.  His dishwater blonde hair is pasted back.

Skip: Tell us what you thought of the film.

Len: Well, the battle scenes reminded me of the time when I was in Singapore,        during the war you know, well there we were ready to defend His Majesty's
     empire against the Japs, you know, and of course we were having a jolly
     good time until those Nips attacked us from the rear!  Quite unsports-
     manlike, really.  So we did the only honourable thing... we surrendered!
     We had to, we only outnumbered them two to one!  The hospitality was
     terrible in those camps.  There we were, one by one dropping dead from
     malaria, and those Asians wouldn't do anything about it!  Food wasn't
     so bad, though I've gone off rice for the rest of my life...

Lucretia (leaning back and studying the ceiling): Skip, why do you send me
     this crap?  

Skip: We really didn't get much response.  I mean, the only others who 
     applied were Steven Seagal fanatics!

George: Len, you're rambling again.  There's a shift here.  You've gone 
     off topic.  Try to conclude with an image.

Len: Righto.  Well, that is how I know Castro's policy would fail in 
     Nicaragua.  Too much artillery.

A Japanese-American go-fer arrives at the soudnstage with a box.  "Hey,
who ordered the donuts?"

Len: Egad! The Japs! Run for the hills!

Len runs out tearing his hair.  Skip, Lucretia, the go-fer, and George watch
Len scamper out.

George: Can we try this again?

Lucretia frowns: I think not.

George leaves.  No one notices him.

Skip: Lucretia, the next couple are married.  Wouldn't that be a wonderful
      gimmick for the show?  We could grab the family demographics! Think
      of the sponsors!

Lucretia: NEXT!

A couple walk in.  A young woman, about four inches taller than her companion,
 struts into view, guiding with her hand a sullen  young man wearing a baseball cap the other way around.  She inserts him into the 'b' chair and sits primly in the 'a' chair.  The man removes his cap, exposing a bandage on his forehead.\

Skip: Alright, guy and doll, let's see what you can do!  Here's the camera, 
weave some magic!  Think POWER REVIEW! HIT THE VIEWER!

Bunny: I hated the portrayal of Alexandra!  It was shockingly demeaning 
and reeked of misogyny!

Kevin: I dunno.  I think Brooke Shields' wet T-Shirt scene was alright.

Bunny: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?  IT WAS THE MOST DEGRADING THING I'VE SEEN
       IN YEARS!  NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE AS A LIBERATED WOMAN HAVE I SEEN
       SUCH A PIECE OF TRASH AS ALEXANDRA!!! SHE WAS THE SLUTTIEST,
       SCUMMIEST, DISEASE-FILLED COME-HITHER, BEER-COMMERCIAL, TASTES
       GREAT LESS FILLING, BOUNCY, BUBLY, LOW-CUT, STRAPLESS, HELPLESS,
       WITLESS WHORE THAT HAS EVER DISGRACED A PIECE OF FILM!!!!! FOR
       THE WHOLE MOVIE SHE HANGS ONTO MR. NINJA VILLAIN LIKE A TIGHT
       CONDOM!  WHAT I BELIEVE LEAST IS THAT SHE IS NAMED "ALEXANDRA"
       WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE SOME BIMBO NAME LIKE "CHERRY" OR "TIFFANY"
       OR "BARBIE", OR... OR...

Kevin: "Bunny"?

Bunny: AAAAAAGH!

Bunny delivers a stinging backhand to Kevin's head, knocking him and his
chair to the floor.

Kevin: Ow!  I still got stitches there! F*ck!

Skip:  No profanity please!  And you, ma'am.. I said "hit the viewer", not
     "reviewer!"  This is a family show! (To Lucretia) How's that for 
     controversy! Women film-critic/husband-beaters, next on Geraldo!

Lucretia: Medical treatment is expensive.  We're on a budget.

Skip: We'll get back to you.  Next!

Bunny storms off, bellowing "I am Woman, hear me roar."  Kevin slinks off,
one hand caressing his head, muttering "I am Man, hear me whimper."

Chad and Philip enter.  Philip is a foppish young man wearing an Armani
suit, hair slicked back with gel, while Chad wears a tie-dye T-shirt and 
pink high tops.  his hair is an electrocuted mop of straw.

Skip looks with desperate hope at the last pair.  Lucretia buries her head
in her hand.  "Tell us what you thought of the movie."

Philip and Chad in unison: WITH PLEASURE!

Chad: After you, my dear Alphonse.

Philip: No, no, I insist.

Chad: No really,

Philip: I couldn't think of it.

Chad: Well, from the very beginning, Spike Lee's direction was far superior to
     that of Craven's and Lynch's ..

Philip: Aha, you have erred, Chad!  You were in the lavatory during that 
scene.

Chad: Fair.  I stand castrated, er... chastised.

Philip: You placed too much emphasis on Spike Lee's directorial hegemony,
and you forget that he in conjunction with Paula Abdul only choreographed
the cataclysmic samurai battle scenes at the Shaolin Monastery in Angola.

Chad: Yes, but only by  his superlative mise-en-scene capabilities and
personal bravado and savoir-faire was he able to surmount the logistical
anomalies and anachronisms that were inherent when filming the active
multi-linear desert conflict scene on location in Greenland.

Skip yawns.  Lucretia flips through her Filofax.
  
Philip glances briefly at them and stammers: Still, that moistened, cotton-
blend generic men's undergarment scene by Miss Shields has got to be the 
hallmark of her acting career.

Chad: Too true.  Those mammalian protruberances certainly stole the scene.

Philip: Rather brings out the concupiscence of the young male, does it not?

Chad: Rather.  What think you of the dream sequence?

Philip: It really cut the suspension of disbelief.  A Lynchian characteristic,
to be sure, but somehow the tap-dancing albino's duet with Bart Simpson backed
up by Zodiac Mindwarp and the London Philharmonic's innovative version of Beethoven's Ode to Joy didn't jibe with the story.  It was an interminable scene, and
Eugene Levy was hopelessly miscast.

Chad: He certainly makes the most of his role, though.  They all do, with the
exception of the deplorable Richard Pryor.  Someone put him out of his misery!
I ask you, can you see him as Genghis Khan?

Philip: Like I can John Wayne!

Chad: The plot had some ingenious contextual qualities and some wonderful epi-
phanic moments that were truly touching. I...

Chad and Philip look over to see Skip and Lucretia conferring.

Lucretia (Holding up Yellow Pages): Are hit men listed?

Skip: Try cross-indexing under 'Mafia.'

Philip (nervously): WHAT DO  YOU MEAN GARY COLEMAN CAN'T EMOTE? His role as
    the hotdog vendor was brimming with undercurrents of psychological terror
    reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe!

Lucretia: Skip?

Skip: Uh, sir?

Lucretia: What do you think of these two?  Truthfully.

Skip: Well, I think they can pull in the elitist set... maybe sponge off some
of the PGA Golf's audience.

Lucretia: Well, you were right abou;opera and laxatives.  Get Correctol as a
sponsor.  Anything else?

Skip: These two are verbal Valium!

Lucretia: Well, we only have to produce and direct it.  We don't have to 
watch it.  Let's see if they have any personality.  Stop'em.

Skip: Cut! Cut!  El Halto! You're infringing on sponsor time!

Lucretia: You, the one in the perm and the high-tops.  Hop on one leg.

Chad does as told.

Philip: What shall I do?

Lucretia: Skip, toss the Ken doll the Slinky!

Skip tosses the packaged Slinky to Philip.  Philip opens the box and pulls out a yellow/orange plastic Slinky.

Skip: Remember the jingle from the commercial?

Philip: A slinky/a slinky/a truly wonderful toy! A slinky/a slinky is fun for girls and boys!  Wow, what an absorbing experience! (Jiggles the slinky) Such an  expression of innocence and lost youth, the nostalgia of a Frank Capra, a
Steven Spielberg...

Lucretia: Shut up and sing!

Philip: A slinky! A slinky! A truly wonderful toy! A Slinky! A Slinky! Is fun
for girls and boys!

 
Lucretia: Now, Chad,  you recite, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Chad recites as is told. "All the King's horses and all the King's men...
    AUGGH!

Skip   races to the cameraman and grips him by the shoulders:   OMIGOD! ARE
 WE COVERED!
 
Cameraman shrugs.  Lucretia bursts into shrieks of laughter.

Philip looks down to where Chad has fallen... ten feet below.

Philip: Break a leg!

Chad: F*ck you!

Skip: What do you think?

Lucretia (gasping for breath): Yes.  He'll look good in a bodycast.\
     
Skip: Alright! That's a wrap!


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Lucretia   : Now, you, recite, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.


 
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