From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  3.K
Date: 9 Oct 92 04:07:06 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com





----------------------------------------------------

Stephen Wright quotes:

"The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his birhtmark til he was
eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.  He was fun
when he was a puppy.  I named him Stay.  When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay
C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).  He's a lot
smarter than that now.  Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on
typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I
said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?'  He said 'I don't know'.  I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?'  I
said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song
on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done."

"My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant."

"Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops."

"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'"

"I like to paint passing lines on curved roads."

"I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes."

"I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity."

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything 
specific."

"I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway."

"I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said 'I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'"

"Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.  My dreams were broadcast
all over the world."

"I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish."

"I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic."

"In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so
I never have to go upstairs."

"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."

"I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were
they mad!"

"I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes..."

"Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?' and I
said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old.'  I said, 'I'll wait...'"

"Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time."

Lot's of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow

"I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at
me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.'  I said 'Yeah,
I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'" ...

... "Then she said, 'How do you feel?'  And I said, 'Well, you know when
you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall
over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how
I feel all the time.'"

----------------------------------------------------

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

----------------------------------------------------

Why do they name hurricanes after women?

Because if they named them after men,
they'd have to be "himmicanes"!

----------------------------------------------------

	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

----------------------------------------------------

Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy

----------------------------------------------------

	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"

----------------------------------------------------

	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
not much good in a fight."

----------------------------------------------------

When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the
company presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a
memento.

One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach,
smoking his pipe, with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the
rain.

"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day
like this?"

"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach.
"They sent me a non-smoker!"

----------------------------------------------------

   Ho Chi Minh, Mao Tse Tung, and Brezhnev took a ride on a helicopter to
tour Vietnam's countryside.  When the chopper flied by a village, the people
rushed out to watch.  In a moment of joy, Brezhnev threw a 20 dollar bill out
of the helicopter.  Turned to the other two, he said, "There will be a very
happy Vietnamese down there."  Saying nothing, Mao counted 20 one dollar bills
and threw them out the chopper.  With a broad smile, he said, "I just made 
twenty more Vietnamese happy."
   Then, Brezhnev and Mao looked at Ho with anticipation.  Ho grined and shook
his head, "You two don't understand a thing about the Vietnamese.  I could 
make 60 million of them happy just by jumping out of this helicopter."

----------------------------------------------------

Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed ?
   A Scot dropped a penny in a golf hole.

----------------------------------------------------

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the 
waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, 
the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
	"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".

----------------------------------------------------

A famous person [I can't remember who] once said something to this effect:
"A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes--and doesn't."

----------------------------------------------------

The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
  "My beautiful comb.  I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it
anymore.  What am I going to do?  Now I'll have to buy another one."
  "Well," said his  friend, "you don't need to buy another just
because you lost one tooth on your comb."
  "But you don't understand.  It was the last tooth."


----------------------------------------------------

There are four kinds of people that live in Great Britian.
	First are the Scots,
		Who hold onto their children 
		and anything else they can get their hands on.
	Next are the Welsh,
		Who pray on their knees 
		and on their neighbors.
	Then there are the Irish,
		Who don't know what they want, 
		but they'll fight anyone for it.
	and last are the English,
		Who consider themselves self made men,
		which releves the Almight of any responsibility!
	Willard C. Smith

----------------------------------------------------

In England they tell Irish Jokes in the same vein as we tell Polish Jokes.
In Eire they tell the same type of jokes about the English, and the folks
from county Cork.

In a broad brogue:
D'ye hear about the man who moved fr'm Cork t' London?
Thereb'y raisn' the I/Q in both places.

In England they tell cheap jokes about the Scots, in Scotland they tell
them about Glaswegians (people from Glasgow).

D'ya hear about the horriable food poisin' epidemic in Glasgow? Oh yes
it was awful 350 people fell ill.
They traced it to a bad tin of corned beef. Where else but in Glasgow
could you get 350 sandwiches from a tin of corned beef?

----------------------------------------------------

"Bowling?"
					"You know. Thats where a big black
					 thing knocks down a lot of little
					 white things."
"That sounds like the A-Team to me."

----------------------------------------------------

	The two Presidential Candidates and their Vice Presidents are on a boat
and the boat sinks.   Who are the Survivors???
			THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the Comedy Celebration Day.

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco.  For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day: 

Michael McShane
---------------
   I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent
   them two hammers and a toilet seat.

   I'm a Psychic Amnesiac.  I know in advance what I'll forget.


Sue Murphy
----------
   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
   that's how dogs spend their lives.

   My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"

Fred Reuss
----------
   I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
   Great song.

   Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.


Jake Johansen
-------------
   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
   "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  I replied
   in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
   have to kill you too."


Buzz Belmondo
-------------
   It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian.  But before
   I give myself great pleasure....



Lank and Earl
-------------
   Lank:  Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
   Earl:  (to the crowd) How about a date?
   Lank:  We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
          20,000 women.


Bruce Baum
----------
   I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
   globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."


Mark Pitta
----------
   I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car.  When you go into
   a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note.  Actually, the news is
   more difficult.

   I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
   Simple Minds.  I also rent videos together too.  Last week I rented
   "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."


Mark Guido
----------
   Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
   had towels from my house.

   I play golf even though I hate it.  I'm not done with a game yet.
   I hate those windmills.


Steve Kravitz
-------------
   How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?!  What's the deal on those anyway?
   You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.


Jim Samuels
-----------
   I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

   This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one.  My mom says I don't
   have to sit at the card table.

   Last Halloween was bad for me.  I got real beat up.  I went to a
   party dressed as a Pinata.

   Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
   70 mph.


Al Clethen
----------
   In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
   They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.'   LA is a real strange
   place.  Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.


Kevin Rooney
------------
   I have one of those real old American built cars.  The kind that
   just PUNCHES through accidents.


John ?????
----------
   You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend
   called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in  the
   bathroom.  "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the
   bathtub with water..."


Michael Prichard
----------------
   I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time
   a woman got pregnant, someone left town.


Authors Unknown, but still funny
-------------------------------
   There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
   as you can.  It's harder for drunk people to hit you.

   Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest
   people to talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic
   minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
   women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."

   You're a great crowd.  No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.
----------------------------------------------------

From the Wall Street Journal, October 18--

"Doesn't the New Trade Pact Ban Export of Bad Jokes From Canada?"
		By Alan Freeman

Canadians don't go to the polls until Nov. 21, but the Rhinoceros Party is
already out there making promises.  "None of our candidates will be running
on steroids,"  pledges Charlie Mckenzie, the party's general secretary.

THE MASCOT SUMS IT UP

Founded 25 years ago by the late Jacques Ferron, a Montreal physician and
writer, the party was inspired by the election of a hippopotamus in Sao Paulo,
Brazil, in the 1950s by voters tired of traditional politicians.  "The rhinoceros
is the prototype of the perfect politician," says Mr. McKenzie, a free-lance
journalist when he isn't politician.  "It's stupid, thick-skinned, myopic
and loves to wallow in the mud."

From Party headquarters in a Montreal bar, the Rhinos hope to field a full
herd of 295 candidates across Canada this year. In 1980, the party finished
second--a distant second--in three Montreal area races.  "We cannot fool
all of the people some of the time or even some of the peopple all of the
time, but if we can fool a majority of the people at election time, that's
all the time we need," Mr. McKenzie says.

If elected, the Rhinos promise to finance a Canadian male synchronized swimming
team in the 1992 Olympics and to spend $50 million on reform schools for
politicians.  Funding for th programs would come from a lottery know as 12/98
in which ticket buyers would have to choose 12 correct numbers out of 98
to win.  "Your chances of winning are just about zilch," says Mr. McKenzie.

On U.S.-Canada free trade, the major issue in the Canadian election, Mr.
McKenzie plans talks with Bill Lee, a former Montreal Expos pitcher who's
running for president in the U.S. under the Rhino banner.  Many topics not
covered by the current trade pact, including the fate of Canadian-born pop
singers, are on the table

SENSITIVE TRADE QUESTIONS

"Do Americans keep Paul Anka?  Do we get back Anne Murray?" asks Mr. McKenzie.
 "Bill wants more plaid lumberjack shirts for the American people.  Can we
meet the demand?  Will American beer have Canadian alcohol content?  Do we
get guaranteed access to Disneyland?"  On the sensitive issue of water exports,
the Rhinos propose and allotment of one gallon per American.  "But they'll
have to come here and get it themselves,"  says Mr. McKenzie, convinced that
it will boost Canada's tourist industry.



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