From: anon-1280@twwells.com (MelancholyChild)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: "What if....?" update *tiny spoilers*
Date: 3 Jan 93 14:08:48 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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*small spoiler*






















Not that I need yet another perp in my life, but I've been struggling
with the possibility that my father may have abused me also. Not long
ago, under a different name, I posted a series of "indicators" or at 
least, possible clues that might help me decide, without the benefit
of specific memories, if indeed I was abused my him. That was my
"What if...?" post and it ended with more questions than answers.
I thought I would post an update of that "search" for the truth.

First, I don't have the answers, one way or the other, yet. Obviously
I *hope* my father didn't molest me, and he definitely is to be
considered innocent unless I'm absolutely sure that he did. On the
other hand, I had many more indicators than I had bargained for, so,
if he did molest me, I have to be open enough to be able to accept 
it if actual memories come back to me.

I'm *very* *VERY* wary of the possibility of being affected by other
survivor's stories and letting them influence me. I've wrestled with
the possibility that all the father/daughter incest stories I've been
seeing (not just on asar) are the only reason I've been thinking that
it happened to me too. After much thought, I'm positive that my
exploring the possibility is just part of my healing. It's the need
to know for sure one way or the other, so I can either forget about 
it, or incorporate it into the rest of my healing, that drives me on.

The only major "development" has been with the Nighttime Child clue.
Why, when I can remember very clearly so much about the house I lived
in until I was 7 years old, can't I remember anything about ever
getting ready for bed, going to bed, being in bed, waking up, or even
which bedroom I actually slept in? 

One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was doing something trivial, nothing
to do with abuse or recovery or anything else that might have acted as
a memory trigger. I don't even recall what it was I was doing, but all-of-
a-sudden it popped into my brain the fact that I used to wet the bed.
I stopped whatever it was I was doing and thought about it. It was so
clear to me. I used to wet the bed and I probably hadn't thought of
that for at least, oh...25 years. At *least*. I even remembered "how"
I did it. I'd be dreaming that I'd have to go to the bathroom, and I'd
get up and go. As soon as I sat down on the pot, that's when I'd wet the
bed in reality.

At first, I was overjoyed to remember that. To me, that "explained"
everything! No wonder I couldn't remember the Nighttime Child! Wetting
the bed was shameful to me. I _hated_ it! It felt so yukky and I just
_hated_ it! Still, I was glad that something which caused me so much 
anxiety at the time had provided peace of mind so many years later.

A few nights later I picked up _The Courage to Heal_ for the first time
in a couple of weeks. I've been reading it in bits and pieces, fits and
starts. The first thing my eyes happen to fall on was the statement that
(paraphrasing) children always tell when they're being abused. Even if
they don't open their mouths and say it, they give lots of clues. One of
those clues was wetting the bed.

:-(

Ok, I'll accept that. I don't particularly want to, but I will. It seems
logical enough to me, plus I realized that bedwetting as an "explanation"
really only took care of the one Nighttime Child indicator. There were
*plenty* more indicators that bedwetting couldn't possibly explain. I
put bedwetting down as just another indicator.

You know, remembering that I wet the bed as a child also made me realize
just how powerfully effective repression is. I say that because I read
all of Solace's stories and I wept for him and with him as he told his
bedwetting stories. Yet, even though I read every single thing that 
Solace wrote, never once did I remember that I myself used to wet the 
bed. It never entered my mind until weeks after I read Solace's last
post on the subject. It occurs to me that if I can forget something as
"simple" as bedwetting, even while reading stories that refer to it,
makes me wonder what else is buried in my brain. Possibly my father,
possibly other events relating to my babysitter perp, possibly having
to do with my brother. Who knows? I just kind of shook my head in awe
at the way the mind works, and how I didn't remember about the bedwetting
until I was "ready" to remember.

Regarding my father, I know I have to be aware of all clues, yet not
read *too* much into some clues. I talked to my father on Christmas
day, and when I mentioned that I was still feeling "moody" he said
right away that I have to let go of the past and quit letting it bother
me. Readers might remember that I called my father in October and told
him about being sexually abused by the next door neighbor/babysitter,
and about being raped by my cousin at age 14. We hadn't talked about it
since then. When he said that, my first, paranoid, thought was that he
"didn't want to be found out" and wanted me to stop the search before
I got to him. I realized that that was totally unfair to him for me
to think that way. I *must* give him the benefit of the doubt and not
jump to any conclusions at this point. He wasn't saying anything that
lots of other people haven't said to me, and none of those other people
were perps. I have to be open, and aware, but non-judgemental right now.

I've thought more about what I would do if I did recover specific memories
of my father molesting me. I don't have any answers there either. My gut
reaction is that I would not confront him. Even when I think that I might,
just to try and get an apology, I still know that I could never turn him
in, have him jailed and tried. I did find out that I could, because the
laws in Kansas allow for 3 years after recovering memories to file charges.
Still, I think that knowing that I could is enough, and that I don't have
to actually go through with it. (Attitudes like that, coming from someone
who has never seen a therapist in their life, probably give the FMS folks 
a headache.)

I love my father and I wouldn't want to see him behind bars. That's the
bottom line and it's very hard to picture myself disregarding that line.

This post didn't really accomplish much, but neither did my original.
Just writing this stuff down helps me though. 

MelancholyChild

"Only mother knows
 That I'm the other half
 The psychopath
 I'm here, better fear me
 Your other side
 Know where you hide
 I'm there
 So be wary of me"
                  Happy Rhodes ("Rainkeeper")
 



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