From: Tuya@ccmail.uoregon.edu
Newsgroups: soc.culture.china
Subject: Anguished English
Date: 19 Aug 92 20:05:00 GMT


          The following is from a friend:

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Subject: Anguished English
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Here are some signs resulting from poor knowledge of English (Taken from
"Anguished English" by Richard Lederer. Used without permission):

In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit
up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the corridors
in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend coureous,
efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition af
Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed
over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven city
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride on your
own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in
all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:Cooles
control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heavein
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
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Newsgroups: soc.culture.china