From: doughe@tekig6.PEN.TEK.COM (Douglas E Helbling)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Obsessive Behavior - detecting, reacting, showing (long)
Keywords: OBSESSION
Date: 19 Nov 92 01:34:53 GMT
Organization: Very Little


	Ah, the (romantic) obsessiveness of it all ...

	Here's a topic for the group with some related questions
	tacked on for good measure.  I'm interested in finding out
	how you recognize obsessive behavior in others and how you 
	deal with it when you see it.  I'm also curious as to how you
	deal with avoiding the appearance of obsessiveness, or what you 
	do if you've already been pidgeonholed in the "Obsessive" category.

	I've seen a growing trend toward cautious behavior (no, I didn't call 
	it paranoia) among women and among men, when people they are 
	associated with show hints of what I'll loosely call excessive 
	attachment.   Without throwing a vast array of personal anecdotes 
	into this, I'm trying to getting a handle on whether people are 
	generally in a "stalker conscious" mode or there simply are a lot 
	of obsessive people out there.

	Okay, hints of excessive attachment is pretty vague.  
	
	Some specifics ...
    

    Signs of Obsession: (Is s/he or isn't s/he?)

	Is someone obsessive if they:

	* Say hello regularly (in the halls at school/work, in
	  the cafeteria, on the sidewalk in the neighborhood)

	* Send you poems in the mail

	* Call you late in the night

	* Call and hang up, or call and don't say anything

	* Call you days and weeks after you've last talked, in which
	  conversation you made it clear your relationship was over,
	  or, perhaps, that you never thought you had a relationship

	* Shows up at your house unannounced, demanding some minor
	  and insignificant personal item back they last remembered
	  leaving at your house.

	Granted that what sort of relationship said persons really have/had
	makes a bit of difference in how their behavior is viewed.  


    Reactions to Obsession: (Oh, gawd, they found out my new number!!)

	Given that you have determined someone you know (or perhaps worse, 
	someone you don't know) is obsessed with you, do you:

	* Tell them, for a 2nd or third time, if necessary, that you
	  do not appreciate the attention and ask them to stop?

	* Ignore them, hoping they'll just go away after they get tired
	  of your lack of response?

	* Tell them off?

	* Get a restraining order?

	* Have a mutual friend or someone you or they know go and talk
	  to them for you?

	* Find someone else for them to be obsessed with? 

	* Tell them you are: 
	  - HIV+
	  - not interested in persons of their gender
	  - moving to another country
	  - on a weekend outing from the sanitarium

	* Shoot them?   
		(just KIDDING, folks. :-) :-) )
		 (this was starting to sound awfully serious)


    Avoiding Obsessive Appearance: ( I'm "In Love", not dangerous! )

	You swear to yourself that you are going to be reasonable
	about your feelings for this person, even though s/he has
	set your heart afire and embodies all the qualities and faults
	you've ever wanted in a person, but your heart's ruling your
	body.  
	
	How do you behave toward this person without being phony AND 
	without scaring the living daylights out of them?  I.E., how do you
	maintain the appearance of a rational person after you've joined
	the ranks of the Irrational by falling in love?


    Reacting to Obsessive Assessment: (s/he thinks I'm nuts! Guess I'll
        have to stop circling her/his block at night.)

	Okay, so your recent or long running "friend" has gotten the idea 
	that you are obsessive.  They might even be "scared" of what you'll 
	do next.  You, of course, know you are not, but you do have real 
	feelings for this person.  Do you:

	* Say "to hell with it!"?  After all, if s/he thinks you are
	  capable of <insert despicable behavior here>, then s/he really 
	  doesn't have a clue as to who you are about anyway.

	* Give them time to relax, assume they've just seen Oprah/Sally/Phil
	  too many times this month, and call them up a few weeks later?

	* Assume they've already had dealings with near-to-crazy SO's
	  in their past, and so they're not capable of distinguishing
	  honest, well-intended affection for obsessive behavior?

	* Shoot them?   (still KIDDING, folks. :-) :-) )


	BTW, if this thread has been woven countless times on this group, 
	my humble apologies.


						Doug Helbling

Newsgroups: alt.romance