From: egedi@ahwenasa.cis.upenn.edu (Dania M. Egedi)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Bisexuality runs in the family - Part II
Keywords: follow-up
Date: 17 Aug 92 21:53:23 GMT
Followup-To: soc.bi
Distribution: soc.bi



[About 3 weeks ago, I posted an article about my brother coming
out to Mom about his bisexuality, which touched as well on the
issue of sexual abuse.  I got lots of *very* supportive mail
messages, probably not all of which I managed to respond to, although
I did try very hard.  I bundled the mail messages up, along with the
various postings to this group, and shipped them off to my brother.  
I was hoping that he would realize that he was NOT alone in this.  
It worked (hardly surprising given what a wonderful(!) group this is,
and now he would like to post the follow-up to it himself, which is 
only right.

This following is written by my younger brother Ricky. Any typos are
mine.  -ed]


"You Don't Have to Choose"

I know that most people are cautious about a sequel, but I thought the 
title would be eye-catching to those who responded to Dania's original 
post on 7/28/92.

Almost two weeks ago, my sister called 'to talk' to me the morning 
after I decided to tell my Mom that I am bisexual.  And honestly at
the time, I was a little perturbed, even though I only had an idea of 
why she called.  I couldn't believe she had to nerve to want to talk 
to me when I was feeling almost ashamed and insecure about myself after
telling my first family member about my sexuality.  So, I told her 
that I was watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics and that I
would call her when they were over.  I almost didn't call her back, 
but I did.  As I dialed her phone number, phrases like: 'Do you have a
boyfriend or girlfriend?', 'Are you happy?', and a few others flashed
through my head.  I figured this was going to be a big Q&A session. 
She would ask the questions, and I would try to fumble through telling
my 'straight' sister my bisexual feelings.  Then she answered the phone:

	Rick: 	Hi, is Dania there?
	Dania: 	Ricky?
	Rick: 	Hi, Dania
	Dania: 	How are you?
	Rick: 	fine.
	-- a little talk about the sexual abuse we'd both been
	   through - a little talk about home ---
	Rick: 	Dania, they're playing back some of the Olympics.  I
		gotta go.
	Dania:	Ricky?
	Rick:	yeah?
	Dania:	You don't have to choose.
	Rick:	I don't understand what you mean.
	Dania:	You don't gave to choose to like just men or just
		women.
	Rick:	But Dania, I'm not...
	Dania:	Ricky... I'm bisexual too.

"I'm bisexual too."  It was music to my ears.  A song I will never 
forget.

I don't know how long we talked that night, but for the first time I
could tell someone all my feelings.  The fact that the ear listening
belonged to a sibling was even better.  Don't get me wrong.  I've told
some gay friends my feelings, but to my complete surprise and a 
devastating blow to my self-esteem, I was told such things as 'You 
can't have your cake and eat it too."; "Once you try it, you'll never
go back."; "You're riding the fence.  If you're not careful, you'll 
fall straddling."  The two people I expected to be the most supportive
are the least.  The guy I was seeing at the time ended our relationship,
and then began, in earnest, palling around with my only supportive 
(at the time) roommate, who is straight.  The other guy starting 
flirting with me with an always ending statement - "If only you didn't
go both ways."

Then, eventually, things settled down and we all seemed to come back 
around.  This is the part where all of you fit in.  My gay friends 
seemed OK about me being Bi and how far I had come to terms with it in 
the past 2 weeks.  So I decided to show them the email [and postings -ed] my
sister compiled for me.  They seemed to dislike being reminded that I'm
bi.  It certainly didn't help, and even seemed to hurt, the situation.
All my straight friends hadn't changed a bit, at least the ones that 
'know', and this time, to my complete surprise and boost to my 
self-esteem, my straight male friends (who are very 'macho' people) 
treat me just the same, if not better, since each has found out.

I might be on a tangent, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that
throughout my young adult life I've seen a lot of 'coming out gays' get
a 'bum rap' from friends and family.  And I guess that I figured it was
going to happen to me too.  Boy, did I have a back-wards view of the 
situation.  Everything happened the opposite of how I thought it would.

The only thing about my straight friends I'm having a hard time with is 
that even though most of them already have an idea about my sexuality, 
I've only told a few.  And although I don't know if they have told 
anyone else, I keep hearing things like "Even though we like Rick very 
much, hearing him tell us that he's bisexual would give each of us a
greater respect for him."  Well, I understand their wanting to hear, and
that it might generate more respect, I just don't know if they have any 
idea how hard it is for me to tell them.  One of the friends suggested 
that we all get together and I could tell them all at once.  Visions of
a support group popped into my mind.  Everyone would be sitting around
the living room, and I would stand up in the middle of the room and
say something to the effect of "Hi, my name is Rick and I'm a Bisexual."
I couldn't help but laugh, and told my friend that I didn't think it
would be a great idea.  Another fear that I have is that because the
situation is new to them, they seem to focus on it whenever we are 
together, and their questions can be a bit meddling.  I just feel that
some things are for me only, but that if I don't give them the right 
answers, they'll feel as though I can't trust them and it puts me in an
awkward position.  But I guess in time it will all become natural to
them and these fears/problems will fade away.

If you're wondering why I haven't mentioned any bisexual friends 
throughout this posting, it's because I don't have any that I know of.
[I happen to know that since then, one friend has come out to him as 
being bisexual - ed]  Please don't think that I'm not looking
for some, it's just the fact that where I live is not an easy place to 
find any.  It's not the fact that the cities/towns that I've lived in
are small; it's the fact that Kentucky's open-minded way of thinking is
prpbably about a decade behind most states.  If you're wondering why, 
then, have my friends been so open-minded, well, they are all from
out-of-state.  I'm sure that there are bisexual people that I can talk
to in Lexington, but it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
My sister suggested that I might want to move to another city outside of
this state, but, honestly, at the this time, that's not possible.

You know, after reading this posting back to myself, it sounds like a
desperate cry for bisexuals or bi-friendly people to talk to... I guess
that's not entirely false, but when I set out to write this, I had the
intention of asking a question or questions like my sister did in her
original posting.  Except now it looks as though I've written a story
about my life's past 2 weeks instead.  I don't know, maybe it was
something on my subconscious level that side-tracked me.  But that 
doesn't matter, as I enjoyed writing it.

"Voices in the night can bring the greatest comfort to a soul
silenced by the day"

 - Rick Egedi (via his sister Dania's account)

[Any mail or follow-up to this posting will be forwarded to Ricky.
If there is anything that you would like forwarded, but would
like for me *not* to read, please indicate that in the Subject line, 
and that will be respected.  Alternately, I can provide you with
his address or phone number.]