From: barb@sq.com (Barbara Burrows)
Subject: Only Kids
Organization: SoftQuad Inc., Toronto, Canada
Distribution: na
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1992 21:10:38 GMT


I've been reading the mail about deciding to have second children and
wonder if I can solicit opinion and advice on having "only" children.
I don't know if this has been discussed before....I'm new to misc.kids
and feel like I've tapped into a gold mind and am jumping in....I hope
this isn't too long.

First, some background.....

Jordan is 10 months old.  He is wonderful.  If I ever spent time imagining
the kind of baby I'd like to have he would be it......even beyond what I
could have imagined....even though he still isn't "sleeping through" yet...
but he is walking!!!!!  He's happy, contented, bright, has a great sense
of humour....I won't go on....but I definitely could.

I have two share-daughters (that's what I call my step-daughters from my
husbands previous marriage.......seems warmer somehow.....and more a part
of our family too....we just share them with their mom that's all! 8-})
who are 17 and 12.  They are great.  We all enjoy our time together and they
love their new brother.  Barry is a terrific father (I don't mean this to
sound like we belong in Little House on the Prairie or the Walton's but so
far we're doing great in the loving and relationship department - at least
for the past 9 years anyway).  He was a reluctant father though and when
we married his stated preference was for no additional kiddies....which was
fine because I wasn't suppose to be able to have baby making abilities....
but...surprise!!!....after 8 years together...Jordan arrived and after 
the initial explosive shock we were and are thrilled.

So.  What's the problem?  I'm worried that Jordan is going to be raised 
virtually as an only child.  Sure he has sisters.....but much older....and
completely doting.  How will he learn to share?  How will he keep from being
lonely when there are no playmates around his age (and there are, in fact, 
no playmates around his age.)?  How will he learn to develop relationships?
How will he learn perspective on his importance in the scheme of things when
he is an "only"......the only grandchild.....the only boy......and everyone
is nuts about him....and only him?

I'm thinking that we should have another baby (I'm just turning 37) even though
for weeks after giving birth I was saying I'd never do THAT again.  To 
complicate matters further Barry has gone and had the big V done.  He's serious
when he says no more kiddies.

And so now, it's rather academic....unless Barry would have it reversed (HAH!)
....and even then IF my body could reproduce this miracle....and I really do
think of Jordan as my surprise gift from God (oops, there's that G word)...and
maybe having another one would change the dynamic of our family in negative
ways.......but I need to hear reassurances about only children.  I've been 
reading the advice about having another child and the timing involved.....but 
can anyone reassure me about only having one?

I grew up with a brother two years younger than me and we're really close
and I'd like Jordan to have that experience.  Barry, on the other hand, is an
only child and consequently doesn't have any empathy for my worries.  In fact,
his approach is that we have enough to worry about without manufacturing
worries which is what he thinks this is.  He says just be thankful and enjoy
what we have.  Absolutely!  But...I'm an excellent worrier....and this is
really on my mind these days.  Every time I see a family with a couple of
young kids close in age I worry that Jordan will never have that closeness
or learn to hone relationship skills in ways that only having a sibling can
create (or not?).

Any opinions or advice that can get me out of my circular thinking and shed
new light would be appreciated.

Thanks much for any input,                |    Some people march to a
Barb                                      |    different drummer
					  |        - and some people polka.

O O
 ^
\_/

Newsgroups: misc.kids