From: vickie@pilot.njin.net (Vickie Mapes)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: A thought
Date: 4 Oct 92 14:59:09 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton) writes:

>In article <92275.205625PXF3@psuvm.psu.edu> <PXF3@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>>I haven't been around much for the last couple of months, but just thought
>>I'd check in.  I have a thought about why some of us seem to dwell on things
>>in the past.  It's the denial of others that causes this.  For example, when
...
>>Now take the abuse we're all trying to grow beyond.  If people we care about
>>(friends, family, SOs, whatever) deny our pain, surely it prolongs the grief
>>process because then we feel so alone.

>I want to comment (and solicit comments) about *why* these people need to deny
>another's pain.  I think that when someone whose had stuffed there pain (or
>feelings for that matter) for a long time sees someone else in pain, they 
>get triggered, they recognize their own pain subconciously.  I'd really
>like to hear from someone else who has grappled with this particular 'why.'

I'm trying to get comfortable with posting non-anon. I'd like to post
some song lyrics that address this situation. I hope no one minds, but
they are too perfect to pass up.

Don't Want To Hear It

   Ooh close your mouth
   Know I don't want to hear it
   No I don't want to hear it anymore

   You know I'm not your psychiatrist
   And although I care very much
   Know I don't want to hear it anymore

      Don't call me up to be your therapist
      Because you think I'm wise
      I'm a scary girl with a scary mind
      I'm a tired child
      (you won't find answers here)
      Think of me as a friend
      But I'll be of no use for you
      All my energy is exhausted on me
      (there's no more room for you)

   You know I'm no doctor
   I'm only crowding words 
   Just to ease the pain

   Whatever you do
   Never never rely on me
   I'm not a happy kid
   I'm barely getting by

      Don't cry to me about your love affairs
      I can't help you there
      I've no patience for bleeding on my floor
      Take your wounds elsewhere
      (you won't find answers here)
      I cannot read your mind
      I can't even read my own
      What little sanity I have left in me
      Is fading fast 
      (there's no more time for you)

   Ooh I'm not listening
   To the hows and wherefores
   To the questions of your heart

   Ooh I'm the sole proprietor
   And I have to heal this head 
   Before I lose it to the weeds

   Ooh close your mouth
   Know I don't want to hear it
   No I don't want to hear it anymore
   You know I'm not your psychiatrist
   And although I care very much
   Know I don't want to hear it anymore

   And although I care very much
    Know I don't want to hear it anymore

   And although I care very much
    Know I don't want to hear it anymore
                                                    (c)1987 Happy Rhodes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


These lyrics sound awfully cold-hearted on the one hand, and painfully
honest on the other. It's been one of my favorite songs for years. When
I first read the lyrics I was astounded that someone would write so
honestly about feelings that most people have at one time or another,
but would seem to be better left unsaid.

I'm a survivor (well, maybe not yet :-) but I'm trying) and I have to
admit that there are times when I just can't stand to listen to
other people go on and on about silly things. (PLEASE NOTE: I am *NOT*
talking about the people in this group. The survivors in this group have
helped me more in a few hours than I could have imagined possible.)
I sometimes tend to get impatient with people sometimes and want to
say "I don't want to hear it!" but I don't say it out loud. Ok, well,
once or twice I have. My problem, not theirs.


These lyrics aren't from the point-of-view of a perp, but rather a
survivor (of what, I don't know) but yes, it could apply to
perps too. No excuses from perps will be accepted (not by ME anyway)
but I realize that it is true that most perps were abused themselves.

(Forgive me if this sounds like a specific push for this artist, it's
jsut that she has dozens of songs that I can relate to *very* closely,
ranging from suicidal feelings and low self-esteem, to healing yourself.
Her lyrics are so intertwined with my own psyche, and have been for
years, that it would be impossible at this point to deny their impact
on my life. I will probably post snatches of her lyrics in the future,
but I will refer to her as HTR. If anyone's curious at that point, they
can e-mail me. Now, if anyone is curious about any of her other lyrics,
they can anonymous ftp hardees.rutgers.edu (128.6.18.2) in pub/hr/lyrics.)


>>The two people who make me feel best about all this are my hubby, who took a
>>course in recognizing symptoms of sexual abuse for work (teacher) and
>>recognized me before I recognized myself.  He never pushed, but when I
>>started recalling stuff when my dughter was born (I think I instinctively
>>wanted to remember so I'd protect her) he was very supportive and never once
>>denied my pain.  That made it a lot easier to get it out and deal with it.

That's so wonderful. E-hugs for both of you if you want them.
 
My SO would help if I let him. I can't though. I don't know why.
I'm sure I'll talk about this more another time. I know that it's 
a serious matter that I have to face.
 
>Thanks, hugs badly needed...

Most definitely e-hugs for you, Peter.

vickie