From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Posting and pain
Date: 17 Apr 92 06:19:58 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

In article <1992Apr16.182704.1@eagle.wesleyan.edu> jfriedman@eagle.wesleyan.edu writes:
>Wow.  I didn't realize yesterday that posting would turn me insidwe out and
>expose all my wounds which <i had so recently and i thought successfully
>covered -- I wen fetal for an hour last night - wouldve liked to have done it
>for more but i didnt think my professor would accept as an excuse for a late
>paper the fact that I was curled up on my very blue rug quietly screaming about
>somethingthat had happened twop monsh ago, so my superego won out and the
>paper got done but when do I get time to HEAL????  I thought i was but
>evidently i've been kidding myself so that i could get on with the rest of my
>life or at least act like i was getting on with the rest of my life, but I
>haven't had a chance at all really since it happened to sit and lick my wounds
>and figure stuff out like where do I put the anger and the pain which i've
>forced not to show but keep peeking through in bad places whether I like it or
>not.  

I don't know how anyone keeps functioning and showing up for "real life"
while dealing with this stuff.  About two months ago in a therapy session
I realized that something really scary was starting to surface from my
childhood, but I knew I was due to finish the job I was working on in 
a couple weeks, so I told my therapist I was putting everything "on hold"
until I was through.  I work short-term contracting assignments - I'll be
at one place for four months or six months or a year, and then take 
several weeks off.  I've been doing this ever since I "hit bottom" and 
got fired from my last employee-type job.  At least I think I got fired,
I was on disability because I just fell apart, couldn't work, couldn't
stop crying.  I don't really remember what happened, although it was only
scven years ago.

So anyway, I finished up the contract, went to see my therapist, and quit
trying to do anything but deal with this.  There were a couple weeks that
I didn't even leave the apartment.  I was just in too much emotional pain.
I think I'm starting to pull out of it - I went on a bike ride today for
a few hours, and I feel like I'm ready to start looking for work.  But it's
been six weeks.  I don't have any idea how somebody could go through this
and still show up for work or school every day.  I can't even imagine it.

I think you deserve a lot of credit for showing up for work at all - you
have my sincere admiration.  What you said about it starting and stopping
and crashing back on you is true for me too, and probably for a lot of 
us.  And I can't talk to my friends either, in fact I've lost two 
friends over this.  But I can post on here, and I'm going to start going
to a support group Real Soon Now (I've been saying that for about ten 
days, but I really am going to, at least I want to and I'm trying to 
just do it.  And I keep going to my therapist.  People keep telling me
that it gets better, and I think it's true. 







-- 
Enigma (enigma@netcom.com)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery