From: kettering@addvax.llnl.gov (Brett 'Volleyball Is My Game' Kettering)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Starting an early family ... or something like that
Date: 9 Apr 92 01:14:00 GMT
Organization: Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.40

Ross,

Let me first say that I admire your resolve and sense of responsibility
concerning your unborn child.  Not many people your age share those
qualities.  Just that alone, to me, suggests that you probably do have
what it takes to be a good parent; nevertheless, it is very difficult,
especially considering the circumstances that you describe.

I was a student for the first 3 years ('84-'87) of my marriage.  My wife, Kate,
and I decided that we would not have children for at least 1 year.  Kate had
already graduated from college and was employed full-time as an RN.  After
the first year we started trying to have children, but did not have any.
Our first was not born until Oct. '91.  In retrospect I can see that this was
definitely for the best, especially since our son, Dylan, was very colicky.
Even though I am Mormon, I would not recommend having children while one is
pursuing a college education.  I think that the nature of college makes a
family life very difficult, even more if one is working in addition to
going to school.

I know that it can be done.  I went to Brigham Young University before
I was married.  It is not uncommon to find young people having children
while going to school there.  In general most couples there with children
shared these characteristics:

	1 - They were married (all that I knew).
	2 - They shared the same religious beliefs.
	3 - Ony the husband was a student, while the wife worked or
	    stayed home with the child(ren).
	4 - Their families supported them and their decision to have
	    the child(ren).  The families helped them during rough times,
	    which you are sure to have with children.

Allow me to comment on these four areas individually.  I promise you I won't
preach the religious aspects.

Marriage, as has been mentioned is a traditional institution.  Having a
marriage ceremony is a time to celebrate for those close to the couple.  It
does not have to be a pompous religious ceremony.  While Kate and my marriage
was a religious ceremony it was attended only by immediate family and a few
close friends.  We had a reception in our small hometown (Los Alamos, NM)
where Kate's parents have lived for 38 years and my parents have lived for
14 years.  Most of the people that came were friends of our parents and it
was more a time of sharing and celebration for them.  If both you and your
girlfriend are sure that you are right for each other, I say, "Why not get
married?".  I am not a Lawyer, but I know there are legal ramifications to
consider; inheritance in the event of a death; custody of the child in the
event of a divorce or death; etc.  After you graduate and get a job you
may be covered by insurance.  If your girlfriend is not she cannot be covered
by yours since she is not a legal spouse.  Many will say that soon that will
change, but for now it's vaporware.

I think that a shared belief system is very important.  If that means that
neither of you has a religious conviction than at least it is the same.
I am sure that many people on the net can tell you about marriage
difficulties caused by different religious beliefs.  After money and
infidelity, I'd bet that this is one of the major causes of divorce.

If both of you plan on attending college you'll have twice the tuition,
books, and other fees in addition to childcare.  Think about how you will
resolve this.  I firmly believe that it is very important for the woman
to have marketable skills, even if she chooses not to use them on a
full-time basis.  The fact that my Kate has a BS in nursing and is a
Registered Nurse is an integral part of our financial plan and "Life
Insurance" even though at this time Kate works 20% time.

Finally, if you don't have the support of your family you can make it, but
I think it is much more difficult.  Your child WILL try your patience and
if you have family to ask for help and advice it can make things much
easier.

In the end the decision will have to be something with which both you and your
girlfriend can live.  Personally I oppose abortion and was glad to read that
that is not an option in your mind, but that's yet another flame war topic.
It seems that you realize your options are keep and raise this child yourselves
or give it up for adoption.  I'd just say that if you choose the former you
CAN DO IT, but it will not be easy.

Best of luck to you, your girlfriend, and your child.

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Brett M. Kettering
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Unknown Debater: "We need a national speed limit of 55 mph."
Homer Simpson  : "Oh sure, it might save a few lives, but millions
		  would be late."
Sammy Hagar    : "I can't drive 55."
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