From: anon-1280@twwells.com (Ode)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Night Owl's post
Date: 15 Oct 92 04:43:56 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

I'm the absolute last person on this list qualified to give advice,
and you say you don't want it anyway, but some of what you say hits
very close to home with me.

>	I don't know why I'm bothering to post.  I'm not out to have
>anyone back me up in what I say or do.  I'm not looking for somewhere
>warm and fuzzy -- that's what my teddy bears and heated waterbed are for.

Taking the first step in anything is a major accomplishment. No matter
how you decide to continue, you'll already have done an important thing.
(I envy you your heated waterbed!)

>	I know rationally that I would probably benifit from some
>form of counciling/therapy -- not group therapy though -- but I can't
>get myself to go through with it.  I seemed to have beaten back the
>memories and nightmares for a while -- but not through conscious effort --
>and I don't know that I ever want to have that part of my memory back.

I can identify with the entire paragraph. I *know* what you mean.

> How in the
>hell am I supposed to overcome a phobia of therapists??!!??

I can't help you. I don't have a phobia so much as a general mistrust.

>	I wonder sometimes if I should just shut up entirely about my
>childhood and chalk it up to "experience".  What's the use of talking about
>it if the past isn't going to change -- esp. when I'm afraid I'll be
>put away for saying what I feel (Phobia again)?  It feels like I'm
>making mountains out of molehills... it's not like I lost a limb or had a 
>crippling disease -- I thought it was how things were for everyone at the
>time it happened.

:-( I know how you feel. An experience that meant nothing to me two
weeks ago has suddenly taken on very large and strange and confusing
porportions. I don't even know why. But, I am at least trying to 
figure out why, and maybe that will help put it behind me. 

>	How am I supposed to tell a stranger about it when I can't
>even physically speak about it to my SO -- if my throat constricts enough
>to begin to choke me when I'm trying to say even the most general of things
>to the person I trust most in the world, how can I talk about to 
>someone I don't know??  I can't just sit there and say that I'm troubled
>by the "bad memories" that are resurfacing for 50 min. a week.  (that's
>all I can say to my SO at this point)  Anyway, compared to all the other
>abuse it doesn't seem worth getting so upset over -- I didn't know
>any better then, so why should I be so bothered now? 

<sigh> You are not alone. I could have written nearly every single word
above. All my SO knows right now is that I've been writing things down
and posting to asar. he won't know details until he comes back from
his business trip. I *couldn't* tell him anything before now. Like you,
my throat constricts and if anything at all came out, it would be a
meek "I don't know." But, I really *didn't* know until recently and
once I knew (that the sexual molestation and rapes were causing my
depressions) I couldn't share it with him. Not right away, and, as
it turned out, not first. At this moment, complete strangers (asar
readers) know more about me than the man I've lived with and loved
for over 10 years :-(. <sigh> <sigh> <sigh> 

But, on the up side, reading everyone's posts, posting myself, and
getting tremendous feedback and support has given me more strength
and courage than I thought I had. My SO will be the first person
I'll tell on a face-to-face basis. He'll see me cry, and he will
be his usual compassionate, loving, gentle, and supportive self.

Perhaps if I hadn't posted here, I still wouldn't have the courage
to tell him. I risked our relationship with my moodiness and
mopiness and silence and if that had continued, I might not even
have an SO to tell anything to. It might not help you to know 
my story, but all I can say is that, in my case, it was a positive
step to tell strangers first. You're talking about a therapist,
and I'm talking about asar readers. You should consider posting
your story here if your phobia of therapists is strong enough
to keep you from seeking one out right away. 

>	Why should I purposely set out to tell someone what happened when
>no one ever beleived me about the other (more common) abuses then or now??
>Everyone I've ever met -- in person -- has always written my anger off
>as the usual young person's resentment of their family.  If they think
>I'm just exaggerating the details/severity for the other daily abuses,
>how can I explain to them that it was just the tip of the iceberg??? 

The best thing about asar is that you're not judged by anyone. And you
can be anonymous too.

>	Who do I tell and how much to tell?  How do I tell my profs that
>I didn't finish my assigned reading because I spent the weekend warding off
>memories of what was done to me?? like they'd ever believe me...  and if
>they did, it might adversely affect my grades... (thinking I'm unstable)

I have this fear at work. My co-workers all think I've had a "touch of
the flu" for the past week+ because I've been so depressed, moody and
teary. No way could I tell any of them what's really going on in my
life right now. <sigh, again>

>	Please don't respond in length (or point for point) for my
>sake. If it helps you, fine.  I know I have to work this out for myself...

I know, we all do. 

If you won't accept a *hug* then maybe you'll pass it on to your teddy
bear...

 -vickie-



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