From: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com (Nancy Agnew)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: First post; plea for advice/support
Date: 15 Sep 92 16:07:56 GMT
Organization: SAS Institute Inc.
Originator: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com


In article <BuLnpt.6r3@twwells.com>, anon-1207@twwells.com (J. Steven) writes:
>After reading this newsgroup for several weeks now, I have decided to post to
>the newsgroup.  Before I get into my stuff, I wanted to say that I have found
>many of the things said in this newsgroup to be very helpful.  However, I feel
>the need to jump in here and ask for some help.

welcome...some replies might help, and some might not, but you are 
welcome to pick and choose the things that feel right to you.

>Throughout the many abusive situations I've encountered, I've managed to
>acheive a certain amount of "external" success.
      [outline of external successes deleted for brevity]

Great! good for you that you can recognize that you have had some
measure of success AND for realizing that it is based on external
things.  It may be an important thing at some point soon to have a
list of the things you have been successful with to refer to when
you lose track of them.  Actually, that may not happen with you, but
it happened with me, and I didn't have a list, and it took a long
time to look around and remind myself of the successes I had.  Anyway,
it's really good, in my opinion, that you can see your successes.

>The problem...  These external things are not working!  Without going into a
>lot of detail, I am very involved professionally (over committed!).  And
>what's happening, is that I am losing (and in some cases, lost) interest in my
>work.  In fact, for the last three weeks I have become paralyzed when it comes
>to my work.
>
>  [story of work-block about overdue report deleted for brevity]
>
>...  And it's not just this report.  I don't want to do anything that 
>I've been doing.  Nothing seems to work.
>
> [list of lost but formerly used coping mechanisms deleted for brevity]

These problems sounded very familiar to me, J. Steven (how do you 
want us to call you?).  Life kind of takes a tumble, things that
used to feel ok don't anymore, things that used to be a fun challenge
become an insurmountable obstacle, things that seemed important before
just seem irrelevant, and it is hard to stir oneself to make the kinds
of changes that might help turn things around.

When this began to happen to me, I was already seeing a therapist for
help with anxiety attacks.  She was able to tell me what was going on
and steer me in some direction.  In my case, her help wasn't enough
to turn me around, and I became severely depressed (clinical definition).

A book you might find helpful at this stage of the game is called
_Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy_ by David Burns.  It describes
cognitive therapy and provides effective tools for dealing with some
of what you are talking about.  If one isn't too severely depressed,
one can take positive steps to turning the depression around.  The
book can provide a lot of insight that can be helpful (the first time
I read it, I was so depressed that I couldn't think of it as helpful,
I just saw it as all these things that I wasn't "good enough" to do...
that has changed and I can see how lots of people could find the
techniques helpful, now).  The book is in the self-help section of
bookstores and libraries, and looks like another of the same-old,same-
old things.  However, there is actually a body of scientific research
to back up the techniques described.  However, it is in laymen's terms
and pretty well written.  It is also quite useful for people who aren't
clinically depressed but may be in a stressful period that is affecting
their outlook on life.

>...  I've worked so hard to get where I am, and it seems I have
>decided to give up and sabotage everything!!!  I'm stuck!
>
>I just can't figure it out right now.  I'm so tired!  Last night I slept only
>two hours so that I could work on this report.  And now, thirteen hours later
>I still have nothing to show for it.  I guess I'll go home and feel bad
>because I'm such a failure!

Please know that I say this in the same way that if someone described
a certain wrist pain to me, I might say, "have you checked with a 
doctor about carpal tunnel syndrome?".  I am not a doctor and am 
not trying to attempt to tell you what is happening to you, though
I can share my knowledge of what has happened to me and whether it
is at all similar to what is going on with you.  The symptoms you
describe are among those described in cases of depression.  HOWEVER, a 
doctor would be a really good first stop because there are several 
bodily ailments that can bring on these symptoms -- and if one just 
looks into treatment for depression, one can have another problem go 
untreated and never get better.  A doctor should be able to determine
whether there is a biological thing bring these symptoms on, or recommend
that you seek some other professional help.  I guess the key is that 
you have had a change in your habits, you aren't sleeping well, and 
things that you normally find do-able are very difficult right now, 
particularly finding motivation and interest in things you normally 
enjoy.

You don't have to keep feeling this way, though.  Whether it is some
physical ailment, or an emotional stress, or maybe even a spiritual
stress, there are places to get help -- people who can provide insight
that will help *you* find out what is going on with *you*.

>I really don't know what to do.  My SO is so wonderful and supportive--always
>sees the best in me.  I can't see it though!  I feel guilty, undeserving,
>shameful, incompetent, frustrated and exhausted!

phew!  it's great to have an SO who can see the talents and abilities
that you seem to have lost sight of...such support can be very
helpful.  Keep in mind the comments you see here from SOs about burnout
and needing to have some support from you at times.

>I guess I'll go home now, get a good night's sleep, and try again tomorrow.

very practical thought.  Sometimes that's about all anyone can do.
Discretion is the better part of valor, and all that.

>I would appreciate any support or advice one might have.

I have provided my opinion; please feel free to accept or reject it.

At the risk of sounding weird and spiritual, though, I'd like to comment
on your recognition that your successes have been in external areas.
I think the kind of success one can have from knowing oneself, being
self-aware, and letting go of whatever it is that keeps one intent
upon external sources of success, is a very good thing.  Some might
call it pursuit of a higher power, or God, or the selfless self or
empty self (from Zen)...whatever it is, it is an acknowledgement that
we hold within ourselves everything we need to be successful in life.
I've been thinking a lot about this as part of my martial arts training,
and in that context this has been very helpful for my progress in
healing.  It seems as though everything is connected, and there is
a kind of joy in that connection.  This is something I'm becoming
aware of as I work through healing and martial arts training.  I think
it is a very worthwhile thing, and I also know that I wouldn't have
been ready at other times in my life, so I assume not everyone is ready
to look into that part of their lives.  In any case, J., you might
find something of what you are looking for in some form of spiritual
pursuit -- whichever one helps you unlock that part of yourself.  Just
my opinion. (on a good day, this makes sense to me, on a bad day, I
think it's a load of s**t...progress is sometimes slow).

best wishes,
Nancy
-- 
Nancy Agnew                         sasnla@unx.sas.com
SAS Institute Inc,  SAS Campus Dr,  Cary NC 27513-2414
My company's opinions are not likely mine, and vice versa.