From: pghol@ctp.com (Preeti Anissa Gholap)
Subject: Follow-up on To Marry (Indian) or not?
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 20:04:43 GMT
Organization: Cambridge Technology Partners


In some article that Ive lost track of, Alok writes:
> >You would be surprised to know that after dating American, Indian as well
> >as girls/women of other nationalities, I finally ended up marrying
> >an INDIAN girl from INDIA, just a few months back !
> 
> (Please note that I am NOT trying to critisize the author of the
> quote above in any way !)

Yet you did criticize - alas you couldn't spell 'criticize' correctly:)

I may not be able to spell it, but I did mean what I said (about not 
meaning to criticize - if you took it up wrong despite my
clarification...weeelll...tough :) 
If you read my post more closely, you'll see that 
I did in fact say that
people should, and do date/marry who ever they are most
comfortable with. Far from criticize, I deeply RESPECT any
persons freedom in  and decision to date any other person that 
feels "right" for them (yes, even Woody Allen...)  regardless 
of nationality/race etc.

In my article, I was merely trying to analyse facts that are apparent to me.
These facts include statements from many subcontinental women
I know-- that in their observation, many Indian men they meet are
unappreciative of the fact that they exist and have value as a person
in their own right. 

>Listen honey, this "nice Indian girl" you are talking about is 
>a highly accomplished manager at a telecommunications company in INdia.
S>he is responsible for the RAX (Rural Automatic Exchange) switch
>which CDOT is developing. She is doing something to improve Indian
>telecommunications. Something which is worth admiration.
>She is not just one of those types who will cook, clean, and raise
>babies only ...

It sounds like you found a wonderful and very accomplished  woman --
good for you! (I'll ignore the "honey" for now) ;)

>Why did she then marry this guy ? She does not have much to gain by 
>coming to America except to gain her husband. 

Very often, the  "nice Indian girl" IS a highly accomplished
woman in the academic and career sense. Unfortunately,(not so nice)
 Indian society, in my observation, while accepting women with 
such qualifications, expects and requires that they also
singlehandedly "cook, clean and raise babies",and pander to the
wishes of their in-laws and (often ungrateful) husband -- this in
addition to holding down a demanding job! 

I know of many intelligent women in India, with strong educational
qualifications who were denied the opportunity to study abroad,
(though the family could afford to, and did send the brothers)
to live independently while single, and who were expected to
leave their careers at the drop of a hat because a "good
proposal" from a non resident Indian (most desirable!)
happened to come in....

Now, I'm NOT implying that this the case in your situation!
But as you yourself mention, you are aware of at least
one case where a highly qualified woman who "(did) not have much to gain 
by coming to America except to gain her husband" dropped everything
to do just that. 

>> For II men living abroad, even ones who date non-Indians extensively, theres
>>  lot of mental comfort and a lot less "risk" in marrying an 
>> Indian woman. 
>
>Not really.  This nice girl is gonna want me to do a lot of things for her.
>First I got to sponsor her for visa. Then I need to teach her driving, buy
>her a car, possibly help her in finding a job. She may not like American 

Surely these are lesser "risks" than the "risk" a person runs when
they choose to marry outside their own ethnicity, often forgoing community
and family support !
Again,I was merely trying to point out that, in my observation,
II women living abroad, tend to take larger personal "risks", and
are more open to a wider set of potential partners - partly because
of past negative experiences with partners of their own ethnicity,
and partly because they have "less to lose". 

> Your family is the one place where you can continue
>  the familiar social order of your childhood,  - the place where 
> you are the undisputed "king"  - the place where you can forget about 

>NOt all men are undisputed kings.
NO man I have ever met, has been fit to be king - disputed or not ;)

>In many households it is the woman who >calls the shots.

Agreed. There are exceptions to almost every norm. However, you cannot
deny that in the VAST majority of sub-continental households 
(and just about every social and political structure), it is men
who control the environment, it is men who do the decision making,
it is men who hold the purse-strings (even in dual income families)
and it is men who often abuse the power that societies norms
and customs have bestowed upon them. How many cases of husband-
burning do you see??

>You have a streotypical image of Indian households.

After 23 years of participating in an Indian household, and
closely observing the households around me, I'd say I have a fairly
GOOD clue  :)  :) 

>> (no, im not trying to claim that the U.S, or any country for that matter
>> is free of sexism and glass celings, just that a female boss would be 
>> more common here than in India where women managers are 
>> virtually non-existent)

>Wrong. This nice Indian girl I just talked about supervises a group
>of 25 people, most of whom are men.

And yet she left all this to run off to a land that she's not 
even sure she will like, just to "gain a husband" ?
You're one lucky guy ;)

>Again you have this stereotype image of Indian women. A number of Indian 
>women are highly placed executives these days.
>Alok

Yo. Read the words. I said a "female boss would be more common..".
I didn't say "there are no Indian women in management positions
in India".  Just that they are more scarce than their American 
counterparts. I assure you that their (slowly) increasing number
is a constant source of joy and inspiration to me ;)

Again, after 23 years of being a woman and observing closely the 
lives of women around me...  :) 
.... far be it my intention to stereotype Indian women, or any women.
If you read a little more closely, my original usage of the phrase
"nice Indian girl" WAS in quotes, indicating that I was aware that it
was a (none too nice) categorization. I didnt invent the phrase, after all...

Anyway, the main purpose of this response is to clarify my original
points (which you seem to have misunderstood)
 and to restate that I did'nt mean anything to be taken personally
when I used your quotes in the last article (and in this one) -- I just
used them cause they seemed to support my argument so well  :)

 - Preeti


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