From: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com (Nancy Agnew)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: gazooks
Date: 18 Aug 92 16:21:44 GMT
Organization: SAS Institute Inc.
Originator: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com


In article <Bt5L0K.MyH@twwells.com>, anon-1186@twwells.com (Lavender) writes:
>
>I have just requested the help file from anon-help@twwells.com
>I do hope it dispells my real fear of posting anything other that
>very safe comments here ...

I hope so too.  Posting is a risky thing in general, not just through
the anonymous service, but just any kind of posting.  Any time we tell
someone something "real", we take a risk.  A risk we will be misunderstood,
at the very least.  Not a big deal in itself, but all those little
misunderstandings, and big ones, from our past make each current
misunderstanding seem bigger and scarier than they might be.  Also, our
audience can misunderstand us, too.  So something that you mean in a
friendly way can hit someone who is not feeling great in an uncaring way
-- easily happens.

The specific problems with the anonymous posting service are fairly
well spelled out in Prisoner's post -- as long as he doesn't get
personally involved with you, his service will likely provide you the
safety you seek.  I think (my opinion here) that he has pretty
strict standards for himself about his role as asar_admin and that 
he falls down (pretty hard) when he becomes personally involved.  You 
have to judge for yourself whether you'll detect personal involvement 
from him when it comes to you.  Others have suggested other ways to
post things (through people you feel you can trust, if not the
anonymous service) -- but there will always be an element of risk.

>I  need support over and above what some friends can give me and I was
>so hoping that I could get it here ...

I hope so too.  Many of us do receive support here -- it isn't always
a turbulent morass of raw emotion.  But that is the nature of healing,
we end up in turbulent morasses from time to time, both at home and
on the net.  I have had an opportunity to learn things from having to
see what I need to do to take care of myself during the emotionally
fierce times.  That takes a certain amount of energy, possibly outside
support, and willingness to ignore things when they really rock you,
or willingness to say that they are rocking you (even if something
seemingly innocuous is being discussed, like, for example, "when I
got the tires changed on the car, the person changing them reminded
me of..." -- if the way this is described leaves you feeling
uncomfortable, being willing to post that feels risky but leads to more
open communication).  Which is how the group works.  Some days we're
all a mess (or so it feels to me) and some days we're not (again, how
it feels to me...I have to acknowledge that a lot of times my own
mood is greatly affecting how everyone's posts sound to me).  The
important thing, I think, is that everyone, almost without exception,
has no desire to do others harm.  Some of us, I know I have, have
worded things poorly at times in a way that has caused harm.  I don't
think that can be avoided.

Ask for what you need.  Be ready to reject those things that don't
have meaning for you.  Be as specific as you can be and you're more
likely to get something you can deal with.   It's never guaranteed.

>Thanks to some of you for your hugs but they are doing nothing to
>dispell my fear of being shafted in this group.

What does it take to be shafted in this group?  Maybe if we knew,
we could respond directly to those fears so that you could determine
how much of a risk you really are taking?  In the long run, you are
the only one who can determine if you feel shafted by the group, but
if you tell us what things particularly don't work for you, most of
us will respond, I think.

Try to remember that most of us are just plain people, trying to heal.
We aren't therapists who have learned how to achieve the appropriate
level of detachment from the things being written.  We can become overly
involved, we can react strongly when what was needed was simply a sort
of "I hear you and it sounds as though you're in pain".  We can read
something, think it relates to something we have done and respond in
kind, only to find out that it is an entirely different situation.

We may be marching on a road paved with good intentions (and you know
where they say that road goes)....with enough of us to add input, we can
either get there faster or keep bringing ourselves back into balance.
ASAR isn't, and will never be, perfect.

>I am just learning to use this medium and I am just learning to
>express some of my emotions which have been dead for so long that I am
>scrared by them !

Boy, do I know that feeling.  I wish I could say that it is a fast or
easy adjustment, but it isn't.  Some days I could really stand to 
trade in for a new model (of me) for a few hours...but then, I guess
that healing is kind of like doing that -- getting used to having
feelings, then learning how to figure out what they are and what 
they are telling me....  I won't ever be a new model, but refurbished,
certainly.

>I am risking even now by just using the anon service and bloody hell
>why cannot a person feel free to post whatever the hell s/he chooses
>in this newsgroup and ask for feedback ?

You can feel free if you acknowledge the risk in any essentially
public forum as this newsgroup is.  You can ask for feedback, but
if you need it in a particular form (gently, for example) telling
us so is helpful.  You can also keep an eye on certain topics or
posters and decide that they are too difficult for you to handle
right now -- and just not read those topics (or people's posts).

We can't make it perfect, but it has damn good potential.  The kind
of content *you* like best is most easily achieved by posting the kinds
of things you want to see, or asking others questions that might
bring about that sort of content.  Sometimes ASAR is a celebration of
diversity -- a thing both positive and difficult to deal with -- it
isn't usually easy to reconcile diverse opinions.  The important 
thing is finding the difference between diversity and divisiveness.

best wishes -- keep with us if you choose
NLA
PS to Sim - nice to see you back, wondered how you were doing.
-- 
Nancy Agnew                         sasnla@unx.sas.com
SAS Institute Inc,  SAS Campus Dr,  Cary NC 27513-2414
My company's opinions are not likely mine, and vice versa.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery