From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: The Outsider
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 00:15:02 GMT

The following is a poem by the person who is dearest and closest 
to my heart.  She has said over and over how glad she is to have
said goodbye to her family.  Not one member in her immediate or 
extended natural family was willing to believe her story. She has
said and I have seen that she is indeed much happier now than
when in contact with her family.  But there is still a hole of
sorrow and longing for what she never had.

Shelly doesn't have net access but I will print out responses and
give them to her.

Mike Stoughton
aka m&m

			THE  OUTSIDER

			by Shelly Wendt-Stoughton
			INCEST SURVIVOR


	Do you know how it feels to be an outsider?
Always looking into the window from the outside.
	Everyone looks so warm and loved.
And sometimes you are even welcome to come inside
	and join these people because you know them...
but you still are the outsider.

	
	You walk into the house and see the lights
on upstairs and the door closed
	In the kitchen the microwave timer
goes off and someone upstairs yells  "The pizza  is done!"
	And there is the warm chit chat that you hear 
coming down the stairs as you sit on the couch in the dark
	livingroom waiting.
Waiting to talk and knowing you came at a bad time
	because you are the outsider and this is the
time for all the insiders to be together.  
	You should only come during the day time



	Or the times when you are inside and it is daytime
and it feels warm and they are trying to include you 
	but you don't quite "fit in" with everyone because
they are a family and you are not a member of their family
	You may be a close friend which is almost as
close but not quite the same.
	It feels sad to me to not be a part of a family.
I have had to say goodbye to every member of the group
	I had growing up that was my "family"
It was my choice if you could call it that :
	I chose between living and dying when I made
the decision to say goodbye forever.


	And growing up there were those few times
when I would be at a friends house  and it felt so good
	There was an easiness being there 
No tension like at my house.  Everyone seemed to really
	care about eachother and didn't fight and put
eachother down.
	Noone seemed to be the one that was in control
and who could hurt you if you didn't follow his direction
	and I wished that I could stay and let these 
people adopt me into their family.
	Adopt me into the easy laughter and fun 
that seemed to be what life was about behind their doors
	Behind the doors of my house were
secrets and pain and being frightened and not wanting 
	to live anymore.


	And just as I was feeling at ease and having
a really good time talking and laughing the sound of the
phone ringing broke the magic bubble and it was a voice 
telling me to come home---it was time to come home.
	Why?  Why do I have to go back there and 
be with those people that don't laugh unless it is at 
someone elses expense?

	Back to that house with the doors always
unlocked to get inside and locked once you entered them.
	Back to the secrets and the pain and the longing
for it to be different.
	But when you tried to explain how much fun
you had had and what a nice family they were you were
told that they didn't really like you .....they were just
being polite to talk with you and have you come over.
	"we're your REAL family and we put up with
you because we have to .  Noone else would put up with you "



	Now I am 32 years old .  I have a husband and 
a 4 year old son and we live in a very nice house....
But why do I still long for the feeling of being in anice
family.  Belonging to a house with that warm glow of
laughter and friendship and easy going happiness.
	Why do I still want to run to my friends house
and set myself up for all the feelings of being an outsider?
	Why can't I feel at home in my house
I am away from all those people  of the past that haunted
my childhood  
	Why do they still haunt me today...or mostly 
tonight and many many nights?
	I want to feel that warm glow of family
in my house with my husband and little boy.....
	Even more I want him to feel that "included"
happy family  insider feeling growing up.
	I would never want him to have those sad
feelings of longing to belong somewhere else and 
knowing that that is an impossiblity.
	Perhaps there is such a big black hole 
inside me that is like that Grand Canyon and 
cannot be filled up ever.......

	Will there always be  days and nights like
this when I feel overwhelmed by that  longing for
a family.



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