From: anon-1264@twwells.com (QuickDoll)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: none
Date: 9 Oct 92 22:04:32 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Wow.  Well, how about my second post being full of rage and violence?
I started typing a casual reply letter to my father and I was upset
that he'd show it to my mother (the perp) and things just exploded
from my fingers.  I didn't realize I was mad at him, too.  I think the
anger towards him is just because he is still supporting the perp.
I want him to know how I feel so I sent this letter unedited this morning.

I'm in a good mood this morning and feeling kind of obnoxious.  But I think
I'm going to leave my answering machine off and phone unplugged for the
next couple of weeks though.  I'll just plug it in to call my friends when
I want their company.

Um...  Anybody want to give me some feedback before I get it from the
parent source?  My email is anonymous and you'll be anonymous (What a
great system.  And you can send test messages, too!).

Thanks,
QuickDoll



************* SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT *************


(Well, OK, its just swearing and unleashed rage but it might upset someone
who used to hear that language directed towards them)


************* SWEARING ALERT SWEARING ALERT SWEARING ALERT ***********




							October 8, 1992

Dear Dad Only, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!,

I finally got around to reading your letter and I suppose I should take a
few hours before writing a reply, but I"m not going to stay quiet.  I've
talked to my sister and some friends and I feel very justified and
supported in my hatred of that fucking cunt of a bad choice for a wife
of yours and I really resent you ignoring my feelings and continuing to
write "FROM BOTH OF US" or "WE LOVED THE GOD DAMN LETTER
ABOUT YOUR FUCKING GOOD TIME YOUR BEST FRIEND WROTE US THAT I NEVER
WANTED THE FUCKING CUNT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT".

That fucking cunt has used her kids to vent her rages and hatred
towards herself and for that I have a grudge I can enjoyable holding
for the rest of my life.  I am done with that miserable bitch.  I have no
kind mother.  I have no supportive mother.  I don't want the fucking
evil selfish life-sucking monster you are stuck with.  I choose to be
free of it.  You can stop your fucking around trying to get us back
together and pretending nothings was ever fucking wrong right under
your very fucking nose and you did nothing to protect your small
children from that destructive cunt.  I was too fucking small and stupid
to ever hit her back or try to kill her but you should have put your
foot down on her and reined in her insanity and anger.  You are
almost at fault for all the shit my sister and I recognized happened and
my brother will eventually recognize once he stops ignoring himself.  So
fuck you too.  I am remembering a lot of what happened to my childhood
and there is a lot of anger surfacing and it would feel fucking good to
be left alone with that cunt and a baseball bat and no assault laws,
that's how fucking enraged I can become when I start thinking about
myself never hitting her back even when I was bigger because you
both fucking droned into me to never hit back and submit to your
fucking psycho parent and obey obey obey obey.

I realize with grandpa hitting you at the dinner table and god knows
what else you think this is all part of a normal childhood.  Well it's
not, but you didn't know, and I can forgive you for that.  You didn't
put out any of the anger, you just didn't stop it.  I can forgive that.  I
will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever forgive her
anger though and your fucking animal cunt wife can take a fucking
leap off of an airplane and die before I ever speak to it again.  I would
love to come back home but I never will visit you while you're with
that sicko.  So all the great businesses and opportunities can live
without me and the ONE REASON I have stopped coming home is that
fucking cunt.  THAT IS IT.  YOU CAN KNOW IT NOW YOU HAVE
ALWAYS KNOWN IT YOU JUST DIDNT DEAL WITH IT.  SHE IS NOT
FUCKING NORMAL.  I WILL NOT SUBMIT ANY LONGER AND I WANT
HER TO LOSE HER CHILDREN.  SHE DESERVES TO BE PUNISHED.

THANKS FOR THE GOD-DAMN BIRTHDAY CARD, ITS UNOPENED IN THE
TRASH, IT HAD HER FUCKING HANDWRITING ON IT.  I THINK. I
DIDNT LOOK THAT CLOSELY BECAUSE YOU HAD ALREADY
WRITTEN IT WAS "FROM BOTH OF US."

Whatever.  I could write about new jobs, new girls, new friends but
this is more important.  This is where I stand.  This is how I feel.  You
can either accept it or deny it but you're never going to convince me
I'm wrong.  You're a god-damn fucking idiot for not noticing.  I would
love to talk girls with you, life plans, gossip, personal fucking shit but
I know you'll pass it along to your fucking weakness-pit wife and I
never have written home about girls, have I?  Have I ever written home
about anything personal that touched me deeply?  Huh?  How can you
not fucking wonder what was going on inside your son?

I was going to talk to you about this later when it wasn't so new to me
but why not spread the turmoil around a little huh?  Then I decided to
just mention it lightly, but it surprises me how much anger I have
towards you as well.  I don't remember much of my childhood.  Maybe
the therapist will pull out some crap you used to do, I don't know.  I
don't think so.  But you can try remembering too.  I do remember
twice drinking chemicals from my chemistry set that were labeled,
"Toxic - Fatal if swallowed."  This was during Fifth street sometime.
[I was 6-10 years old when we lived there]  I hated being in our household
that much.

What do I want from you?  Nothing.  I want you to know I know
where all my hatred came from.  I want you to know I know I'm fully
justified for every drop of venom I spit in that cunt's direction.  I want
you to know I'm serious and determined for the punishment to be
losing her son.  And I want you to know you're not going to see much
of me until your divorce.  Not a threat, just statistics - you're not
around here alone much.

I had this dream, where my knuckles were lightly taped and I was
punching the living shit out of the cunt.  I was aiming for its teeth
through her cheeks.  I was aiming for the bridge of its nose.  I was
going for the ribs and trying to get the eyes to bleed.  This dream came
out of nowhere and it felt absolutely great and every time I remember
it I still think it would be great.  It would be fun.  It would be doing
something I should have done when I was younger.

Well I have a life to get to and

---

Well, its a couple hours later and the rage has faded, but I still am
going to send this letter (but toned down a bit).  You have already lied
to me about keeping our letters between the two of us [he shared them
with my mother], I know of no way we can rebuild that trust,
so this may be my last letter for a while.


[And then I signed my name.  No "Love," this time.]



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