From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Varia follow-up
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 05:27:20 GMT

First of  all  thanks  to Ted and friends for their greetings and
welcome to this e-group.

I wanted also  to  tell Kendra that I can certainly relate to her
difficulty in learning to  say 'Incest'.  The 'I' word has been a
struggle for me, too.   Incest  (it  was a female perpetrator and
over  a  long  period  of  time)  was  NOT  my  first  memory  or
realization of sexual abuse:  as a  matter  of  fact I believe it
was largely responsible for my complete lack of  memory of things
before I was 15.  In the brief time  I  have  experienced  in the
healing  process,  I  recall  one  gut reaction when I bumped  up
against the reality of my incest memories.  As I went through the
pain  I  was  ready  to shout that I would bargain any number  of
memories of male  abuse  (and  mine included some very exploitive
stuff and gang rape)  if  I  could avoid/deny the incest element.
Of course it doesn't work  that way and I was able to get through
that initial pain and take comfort  in  the  realization that the
memories are only going to come when  I  am  capable  of handling
them.    I  have  a  confidence  in  this    automatic  sense  of
preservation  and  the  process  (yes, I have had other  memories
surface since) has become a whole lot less scary.

<<<<<<SPOILER>>>>

One thing I am wondering if anyone here has encountered and could
share  their  experience  with.  I have had a number of  'themes'
or  'scenarios' which used to play themselves in my head whenever
I was having sex (either masturbation or with a partner).  Some I
have now recovered  as  real memories of things which happened to
me.  A couple, however, I have always felt were made-up fantasies
or elaborations on perhaps a  basic -- even innocuous -- incident
that I've got carried away with.    I  recognize  that during the
years of denial or ignorance my mind  might  have  been trying to
point to something I should be coming to terms with  in this way.
In  other words I could accept there might be a kernel  of  truth
about  actual  abuse lurking behind one of these stories but that
the literal  details  were  too drawn out or overdramatized to be
accurate.

But in one case I was virtually certain  that  I had "caught
myself" in an  act of fabricating (it was an 'incident' involving
a number of male  perpetrators, a fantasy I had years ago 'banished'
from my repertoire I was  so upset at myself for fantasizing this
way).  Recently, however, while having  sex  I  had  an extremely
clear flashback not of the multiple sodomy  event  itself  but of
the  context and situation which immediately preceded it  (I  use
those words although I am still confused and highly doubt that it
actually  happened!!):  clear images of the people around me  and
what they were wearing and myself in their midst and my  feelings
and reactions to being taken by them to the place where the abuse
took place (?).  Since having this flashback a few days ago I now
recall  that for years I have had a clear conscious memory of the
beginning of that day going out to the lake and later coming back from
this lake with the group of men, but the middle of that WHOLE DAY
has been a blank (except for the two flashbacks which I had taken
to be fantasies and had only occurred twice during sex).

At this point I find this very upsetting because:
    a) this specific incident I  could  well  do without and I am
    really confused about the reality of it right now;  and
    
    b)  I  am  anxious that some  of  the  other  'memories'  may
    therefore have more literal truth in them than I care to have
    instead of merely the kernel of truth I was accepting.
    
Has  anyone  had  any  experience  of  fantasies  or   flashbacks
mercifully turning out to be just imaginative elaborations or, on
the other hand becoming confirmed as true memories.

In spite of my anxiety about this (and yes, I  feel  very  funny,
distanced,  dissociating  even  as  I write this down), I do feel
that I am able to cope with the reality, whatever that turns  out
to  be.   My healing process has been a very positive one so  far
and  I  am  not  going to let go of this forward momentum and the
good feelings I  have inside.  This has, however, thrown a bit of
a curve at me that I am obviously trying to deal with.

Sorry for the length  of  this  posting.    Thanks for letting me
unburden.

"Kristian"



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