From: aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat)
Subject: Re: body memories... confusion... ***SPOILERS***
Organization: Software Engineering Institute
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 13:21:55 GMT

Warning - This may contain its own spoilers...

In article <BuABCq.En4@twwells.com>, anon-1215@twwells.com writes:
> *** spoilers *** warning  Memories ahead...
> 
> My therapist took me to a place where "the thing" took over and
> she held me while I sobbed and writhed (which my closest friend also 
> has done for me several times).  Then she took me deeper into it,
> more than I've gone before.  It was incredibly scary, so much
> that, for the first time, I had to say it was too much and that
> I needed to come back.  That's never happened before.  I've always
> been ready to stay in it until the other person pulled me back.
> When I came back I just sat there, stunned and drained.  We spent
> the rest of the session talking about what had happened and how
> to find out the rest.  I need to take it in small chunks, and
> to come back if it gets unbearably intense.  My therapist said
> that was fine, and affirmed that it was my process and that it
> was ok to protect myself by going into it all as slowly as I 
> needed.
> 
> When I got home, I was still kind of in shock.  I called my friend 
> and he wasn't home.  I finally talked to him last night, which
> helped.  That night I woke up a couple of times, scared, and
> managed to get back to sleep. 

	This sounds really familiar. Really really familiar...
	As soon as I left home, I knew that my stepfather had raped
	me, but it still took four and a half years for the actual
	memory of it to surface. And then, though I knew it wasn't true,
	I let myself believe that was all there was. Just this one
	incident. But the memories keep returning, and I know there was
	more. A lot more.

	I have not seen or spoken to my stepfather in 6 years. My sister,
	who was there but (I hope and pray) managed to avoid the abuse,
	at least knew about it, but I think she may have blocked it out.
	My mother started the whole memory thing by telling me she had seen
	my stepfather having sex with his 34 year old son - and she blocked
	it out for three years and continued to live with him. At first, she
	pointed out knowledge that I had that she didn't believe I could
	have deduced from the known facts. She encouraged me to remember.
	Then she started giving me information about an event I didn't
	remember at all. I knew it was a good clue. But any time I tried to
	ask more specific questions, she said she didn't know what I was 
	talking about - she didn't remember calling me a week previously and
	telling me these things. Big Alarms go off. Eventually, I remembered.
	But she wasn't interested. She didn't want to know. She never asked.
	Once, she even said, she'd remembered what she had to remember and
	would I PLEASE quit bringing it up. After helping, she suddenly
	backed off. I didn't know why until two weeks ago. Then I remembered.

	Mom was involved. There were instances - MULTIPLE instances - in
	which she participated. I was forced to do things to her as well as
	to my stepfather. And as far as my memory goes, she actually enjoyed
	it. I feel so betrayed. I knew she wasn't a help to me, and for years
	I've heard myself saying, "She sold me to my stepfather to keep him
	from leaving" but I never really knew what I meant. I guess she sold
	herself, too, if she blocked it out. Or did she? Did she enjoy it or
	feel herself forced into it, too? Part of me is so sickened by her, I
	can't stand it, but part of me wants to protect what I wanted to 
	believe she was. She was my MOTHER, for Chrissakes. How could she?


> As I was waking up after the memory and the dreams, a small voice
> said, "I know who it was.  It wasn't your father; it was *his mother*,
> your grandmother."  I was stunned, yet again.  And yet somehow
> it made more sense than anything else ever has.  I don't want
> to believe this, but I can't *not* believe it any more.  I still
> have no idea what she did, but at this point I don't know if I'm
> ready for that yet.
> 
> I think that's all I can say at this point.  What do I want now? 
> I'm not sure--to know I'm not alone; to hear any experiences
> of emerging memories; to know other people have experiences of 
> abuse from women...

	There you have it. Send me personal mail if you want to ask
	any questions. We're in the same boat, I guess.
 
> Thanks for being there; this is a very scary thing to post. 

	Ditto, in a big way.
 
> All Me of Us

	-Anne

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery