From: rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu (Robert L Pack)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Married With Children quotes
Date: 11 Jan 93 18:51:25 GMT
Organization: University of Pittsburgh

A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu )

I will post this regularly to Rec.humor and e-mail to people who ask





Songs
-----           
	"At the Nudie bar"
	------------------
	   at the nudie bar
           where you can look at a thigh
           and blacken an eye
           at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           where they show you their butt
           and they keep their trap shut
           at the nudie bar
            
           at the nudie bar
           where you can't touch a breast 
           but you can cave in a chest,
           at the nudie bar
 
           at the nudie bar
           Where the music stinks,
           and they water the drinks.
           The nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
           Where the beer gives you gas
           But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
           the nudie bar


	Al's " I Care " song
	--------------------
	   When hooters giggle around
	   and I find nickels on the ground
	   I care

	   When the Mustang engine purrs
	   and the bathroom's not hers
	   I care

	   When the pitcher's on the mound
	   and the wife is underground
	   I care.

	   But when I've been playing this for days
	   I'll kill anyone who stays
	   I swear!

	
	Bundy-the-no-Man <== aka Frosty the Snowman      I NEED THE REST!!
	----------------
	   Bundy the no man
	   Was as bald as he could be
	   With hair in his nose
	   And fungus on his toes
	   .
	   .
	   .


======================================================================
======================================================================

Quotes
------


God's Shoes
-----------
	Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5.
	      I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she
	      paniced, reaerd up, and galloped around the store, dragging
	      me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse
	      and I was able to grease my thumb and escape."



Kelly joins Tap club / Al loses socks
-------------------------------------
	Al:  " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?"
	Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the
	       basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be 
	       taken to the airport."
	Al:  " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone
	       years ago."

	Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it."

	<music is playing>
	Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song."

	Al: " Remember the Bundy credo. When one of us is embarrassed, the
	      rest of us feel better about ourselves."

	<Kelly does erotic dance and her fat old teacher jumps on Al>
	Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!"



Bud turns 18	
------------
	Al: " Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but
	      a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife"




Peg vs Jim Jupiter
------------------
	Jim:  " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago:
	Al:   " Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your
	        mouth"

	<The Bundy's are trying to figure out where Jim will stay>
	Bud:   " He wouldn't want to stay in Kelly's room and listen to the
	  	 sailors coming in and out all night."
	Kelly: " He wouldn't want to stay in Bud's room and listen to him
		 whisper 'I Love You' to his hand all night."
			-- from larry Waxler (LARRYW@MAINE.maine.edu)


The Bundy's get an inheritance
------------------------------
	<Al and Peg are eating out and have no money>
	Peg: " What are we gonna do, Al?"
	Al:  " What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do, when you're out
	       of the bedroom, Peg, the answers don't come easy, do they?"


The Bundy's Get a New Kid
-------------------------
	< Peg's cousins left >
	Al: " You let them go. That has to be the stupidest move in
	      history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered
	      the phone the day after we had sex."



Al becomes a bartender
----------------------
	Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?"
	Al:    " Normally, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers"

	Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?"
	Al:    " It's when a woman marries and a man dies"

        Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had
		 a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair."
	Bud:   " Well, you know what she says 'Bleach a cold, raise a beaver'"

	<Bud & Kelly are outside freezing>
	Kelly:   "Help us"
	Marcie:  "I can't. I'm a Republican."

	Peg: "Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's
	      face it, we both know it's money."


Kelly says NO
-------------
	Al:  "Is it our anniversary again!"
	Peg: "No"
	Al:  "Then why are you touching me?"
	Peg: "I'm tired of touching myself"
	Al:  "I don't blame you"

	Peg: "We had plenty to talk about when we first met"
	Al:  "Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was alot of
	      things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 
	      6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan,
	      and did she actually see Deep Throat"
	Peg: "Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man
	      with such big shoes have such a teeny, weeny, tiny, little...
	Al:  "Peg!"

	Marcie:    "Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male
		    impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You
		    should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think 
		    I can"
	Jefferson: "That's after four times of making her shake like a
		    California quake"
	Marcie:    "And like Los Angelas, I'm still waiting for the Big One"
	Peg:	   "I'd settle for an after-shock...You should see Al...Oh
		    snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Ground Hog's
		    Day. Peeking out of it's hole, seeing its shadow, getting
		    scared and running away.
	Al:	   "It's not its shadow that it's scared of"
	Peg:	   "It's cute as the dickens, though.
	Al:	   "Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle"


Peg Buys Tubro
--------------
	Peg: " I need something lucky to rub:
	Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky"

	Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women
	       when they have us at home?"
	Al:  " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to
	       close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari.



Al Tries to Remember a Song
---------------------------
	Al: "What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the
    	     wife in the back yard."


Bud Dates Teacher
-----------------
	< Ding Dong >
	Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes 
               I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I 
               mean"
	Peg: " I'm afraid we do"



Al Buys Air Conditioner
-----------------------
	< Peg cranks air conditioner >
	Al:  " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it"
	Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls
	       over and then asks whats on TV.... Well, it might be,	
	       I don't feel a thing."



The Bundy's go to the Beach
---------------------------
	Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful."
	Al: "You're gonna get worse !?"


A Peeping-Tom is loose
----------------------
	Peg: "Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the
	      ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can.
   	< Al locks her in the basment >
	Peg: "When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a
	      full minute."


Al builds a bathroom
--------------------
	Al: "We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to
	     sleep with mine."
   	<Peg looks down>
	Peg: "Is that what you call it?"

	Al: "A woman riuns a bathroom: Nylons hanging from the shower, a
	     tube of Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of
	     vinegar lying around...What are they doing in there? Making a
	     salad?

   	<Al comes out of bathroom>
	Peg: "How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed?
	Al: "I don't know. I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?"
	Peg: "Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?"
	Al: "Na, I need something stronger."
       <Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty
    	Something." He then picks up the news paper and heads to the bathroom>


Al has a Christmas Club Account at Marcie's bank
------------------------------------------------
	Al: " Christmas isn's a time for regret. That's what anniversaries
	      are for."

	<Peg has on lingerie with a Christmas bow>
	Peg: " Come open your present, Al."
	Al:  " Where is it?"
	Peg: " It's me!"
	Al:  "Peg, why'd you get me the same old thing I didn't play
	      with last year?"


Thinnergy
---------
	Al: " We're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut."

	<Al won't have sex with Peg>
	Marcie: " What if I told you I had an answer to all your problems?"
	Peg:    " I treid that...It's just not the same."

	<Al's watching smut on TV>
	Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't
	      love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the
	      girl on TV, I'd still ignore you."


Al goes on "Vacation" on his couch
----------------------------------
	Al:  " Peg, I don't want to be bothered"
	Peg: " But, Alllllllll"
	Al:  " Sorry, Peg, the captain has turned on the 'No Peg' sign"

	Bud:   " Vengence shall be mine"
	Kelly: " Then vengence can't be a woman"

	Kid 1:     " What was it like on Happy Days?"
	Jefferson: " I told you my name was Darcy"
	Kid 2:     " Was that your name on the Love Boat?"
	< Ted McKinnley "Jefferson" was on the Love Boat >

	<Bud comes in wearing a 6-hand bug costume>
	Kelly: " You know Bud, if you had another had,  you'd have a date
	         for every night of the week"


Al sells Peg's Hair
-------------------
	<Bud comes in with Buck>
	Kelly: " How'd it go?"
	Bud:   " Still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear
		 him to the prom."

	Al:  " I'm selling the lawn furniture"
	Man: " How much do you want for it?"
	Al:  " $10,000"
	Peg: " It cost $40, 15 years ago"
	Al:  " So did you"

	<Kelly comes in weating skin-tight clothes>
	Kelly: " Well, I passed math. French, too, and I'm not even taking it"

	Kelly: " They [men] have no repect for our hair. They only use it to
		 pull us up, pull us down."

	<Al's heading to prison>
	Al:  " I'll need tiolet paper, 2-ply white, a harmonica, and a picture
	       of mommy in case thoughts of escapecross my mind...Did you
	       get me cigarettes, kids? It's for my new boyfriend, Bubba."
	Peg: " Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex, a 1/2 pack'll do ya"


Peg goes dancing
----------------
	<Al is eagerly waiting for a pizza, when the doorbell rings and
	 Marcie is standing there>
	Al: "Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's not a pizza"
			-- from Dan Welch (dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com)

	Al: "Look! It's the Abominable No-Man" <== about Marcie
			-- from Dan Welch (dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com)


It's a Bundy Christmas  <= the only one with a viewer's discretion warning
----------------------
	Bud:   " Can we go to the new mall?"
	Al:    " That mall is killing your father."
	Kelly: " I thought mom is."

	<Al has a bandage on his hand>
	Al: " Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm
	      clock should be?"

	<Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there>
	Coroner: "Oh-oh"
	Al:      " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself
		   in the front yard"

	<Al's playing Santa>
	Al:  " What do you want?"
	Kid: " A horse"
	Al:  " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the
	       neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse
	       and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom
	       hunted it down and killed it."


Bundy's get a computer
----------------------
	Al:  " Computers and women are ruining the country"
	Peg:  " They're quite similar. You can't turn on either."


Labor Day barbecue
------------------
	<Kelly is between Bud and Peg>
	Kelly: " Is this how I'm gonna spend my Labor Day. Between my mother
		 and a pizza with everything"
	Bud:   " Well, kelly, just pretend it's any other day. Get up on the
		 table & mom and I will put dollars down your dress."
	Peg:   " Don't believe everything Rev. Fultcher says from the 
		 pulpit."

	Peg: " Kids, I wish you could've seen your dad before all this"
	Al:  " As I recall, they almost did."



Bud sleeps with cousin's Fiance
-------------------------------
	<You don't see Peg and Al. You just hear them>
	Peg: " It just hangs there lifelessly"
	Al:  " It's mine, Peg"
	Peg: " I'll straighten it out"
	Al:  " It's too long"
	Peg: " Women like it long"
	Al:  " I'm the one that's gotta lug it along"
	<You then see Al and his tie is way too long>

	<Bud has just had sex with the bride>
	Kelly: " What did you do?"
	Bud:   " A gentleman never tells. I had sex and I was good."
	Kelly: " Oh my God"
	Bud:   " That's what she said twice"
	Kelly: " What, once when you undressed and once when you put your
	  	 bunny slippers on?"
	Bud:   " Save it for someone not getting any, like mom. Talk all
		 you want, nothing can bring me down"
	Kelly: " You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's fiance."
	Bud:   " That did it."
	
	Peg: " Say you love me."
	Al:  " I love beer and bowling. I don't want to cheapen the word."

	Peg: " This is a historical first. We're in the bedroom and I'm
	       waiting for you to finish."

	<Bud's heading to his bedroom with the bride again>
	Peg: " What a lovely bride."
	Al:  " Well, it looks like we have a while 'til the wedding."


Unclassified 			--- which shows are these from ?
------------

	Al:  " Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin."






-- 
=================================================================
Bob Pack      			rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu
University of Pittsburgh	
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Newsgroups: rec.humor