From: marek@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Marek Lugowski)
Subject: Re: Stephanie's drink poem / Marek (Re: the Realm's Defender, absent)
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 04:36:07 GMT

I think that it is slightly unkind to point out my Polish-stained English
when all that I am attempting to do is help out by pointing out a glaring
stylistic error, one that is shunned by students and teachers of writing
alike.  It would take a more precise attempt to render in a poem what you
allude to as your successful clash of fabrics.  While I do not doubt,
Stephanie, that you would quicken my heart in or out of lycra-cum-velvet,
this poem, sad to say, doesn't benefit from the violence of its contrasts.

				-- Marek

In article <steele.722047743@chip.aem.umn.edu> steele@aem.umn.edu (Stephanie Steele) writes:
>marek@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Marek Lugowski) writes:
>
>>Stephanie, 
>
>>There is no excuse here for mixing "thine" and "runeth" with "has passed"
>>and "has slid".  We are talking lime green lycra and black velvet together.
>
>marek- i happen to wear a little lime green lycra and black velvet
>number to cocktail parties out here and get quite a few compliments
>on it, especially when i'm lucky enough to have a pair of black
>fishnets that aren't falling apart at the seams to complete the
>ensemble. i'll admit there aren't many that can pull this look off
>though. i'm just lucky i guess.
>
>
>>Your poem would be much more natural and intimate if the cliche "runeth
>>over" and the affected "thine"" were flushed and replaced with cleanly
>>flowing langaue of today.  Alternatively, you could have affected the mood
>
>don't you mean with THEE 'cleanly, flowing langaue of today' (sic)?
>
>
>>of hath and doth and done a decent job of it.
>
>>Other than that, yours is a sunny, gurgling little poem. :)
>
>>				-- Marek
>
>thanks.
>
>sls.
>>P.s.  Note that Don stuck to a consistent style, with a questionable
>>      "shall" at the end.  A more precise poet would have written "will",
>>      in American English.  "Shall" connotes English Majorism in advanced
>>      stages -- esp. if you just found out you have nothing cold to
>>      drink...  The correct exclamation is "fuck, what will I drink?",
>>      followed by, "damn, I shall walk over to the Seven Eleven".
>
>
>>-------
>
>>In article <steele.722024434@chip.aem.umn.edu> steele@aem.umn.edu (Stephanie Steele) writes:
>>>jtrue@acpub.duke.edu (jtrue) writes:
>>>
>>>(that dz's 'double phallic persona' is away for a week)
>>>
>>>and p.o't. leaves us with this poem:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>Realm in the form of the following poem:
>>>
>>>>A Moron in Springtime
>>>
>>>
>>>>I crossed a bridge and found upriver
>>>>another bridge.  I crossed the bridge
>>>>and continued upriver.
>>>
>>>>Across many bridges I found the head
>>>>of this great river in the mountains
>>>>fed by mountain snow.
>>>
>>>>I could not really trust my memory.
>>>>Spring could be the first spring ever
>>>>here inside the mountains.
>>>
>>>>I brought lunch in a paper baggy
>>>>and on the banks of this great river
>>>>I ate my lunch.
>>>
>>>>I had fish inside my sandwich
>>>>chopped up finely for a texture
>>>>pleasing to my mouth.
>>>
>>>>I had water in a thermos,
>>>>but it's warm now from the sunlight.
>>>>What shall I drink?
>>>
>>>
>>>>Posthumous O'Toole
>>>>11/16/92
>>>
>>>drink the warm sunlight
>>>from the water
>>>from the cup
>>>from your thermos
>>>and after the last bit
>>>of sun    
>>>the last lingering bit
>>>of light has passed
>>>your lips, tilt 
>>>your cup to the sky
>>>and drink the glint
>>>of blue and white
>>>out of the water
>>>out of the cup
>>>from your thermos
>>>and after the last bit  
>>>of cloud has slid
>>>down your throat
>>>tilt your cup
>>>to the river
>>>until it runneth
>>>over and then drink
>>>with thine eyes.
>>>
>>>sls.
>>>--
>>>
>>>=======================================================================
>>>			   Stephanie Steele
>>>			steele@chip.aem.umn.edu
>
>
>--
>
>=======================================================================
>			   Stephanie Steele
>			steele@chip.aem.umn.edu


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