From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Why is my 4YO son acting this way?
Date: 12 Aug 92 23:09:04 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California

Well, the first answer I want to give you is "because he is 4."  Like 2,
4 is one of those ages when children push limits.  So, you say "Go to your
room" and he says "Make me!"  

Let's look at life from the perspective of a four year old.  He has lost all
his "babyness".  He is aware that not only is he bigger, he will continue
to get bigger.  He has mastered language, his body is solid, his movements
clean.  The four year old looks at himself and says, "Hey, I'm a kid."  

So what would you expect from a person with these realizations?  Why, you'd
expect them to see what all this means.  Now that I'm older can I _________.
In some cases the answer will be, "Wow!  What a big boy you are."  In other
cases, it will be "Time out, in your room NOW!  You're getting too big for
your britches".  

I believe (personal theory here) that after each growth phase in which the
child masters new skills, there is a subsequent testing phase in which the
child sees what this means with relation to the rules and regulations that 
guide his life.  

So that explains the challenging misbehavior.  There is also an irrational
side to 4 (at least to my 4 YO).  We have battles about not sleeping in his
room because the ghosts will get him (the ghost buster trap that worked at
3 is now "just a toy, Mom.  It won't really kill ghosts".  He doesn't want
to bathe without me in the bathtub because he might drown.  The fact that he
can swim the width of the pool is somehow irrelevant.  

I get the feeling that he is experienceing one of those "Look at how 
independent I am Oh God don't leave me now that I'm independent" periods we
all go through.  I would guess that in your case what you have is this
bahavior/fear heightened by the presence of the new baby.  I don't think it is
caused by the baby, just exacerbated by her.

I hope this helps.  As for expressing aggressive feelings in non-aggressive
ways, I use a two prong approach.  One we do is called "growling" when upset.  
Mitchell is so cute when he does this and it is really impressive.  He gets 
this serious look on his face, clenches his fists and stiffens his whole body 
and does this deep throaty growl followed by "That's really making me angry".  
We talk about his anger and while he still occasionally lashes out, we have 
made tremendous progress.  The second prong involves a healthy physical outlet
that has slight violent overtones.  I think in someways this is why boys love
football so much.  

Mitchell and I will wrestle and box and play sword fights and he wants (and
will probably get at some point) those foam American Gladiator jousing poles.
Physically he is able to get out all that pent up frustration left over from
whatever the last event he was growling about was.  I think this is really
valuable.  He hurts me some.  I hurt him some.  It's always accidental.  And
mostly we have a really good time doing it.  I think kids need good physical
activity with their parents.  What they used to call "horse play".  Rolling
around on the floor together can be the most fun.

It sounds like you're just in one of those worrisome "phases" and you'll work
through this one just in time for the next one.  The addition of a new child
makes these phases just a bit more worrisome, that's all.  

-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake