From: dks@athena.mit.edu (dks)
Subject: Re: Dannikins MUST continue entertaining America
Organization: BPCWDWTADDSU, Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA.
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 18:51:49 GMT


The Bi-Partisan Council on What to Do With the Twits Assuming the Democrats
Don't Screw Up hereby announces its first recommendation: a newly designed,
prime-time television show for Dannikins.  In releasing its findings, the
Council hereby acknowledges the invaluable contributions of:

    Herbert Rutledge (train@gvls2.gvl.unisys.com)
    Eric Sieferman (sieferme@milton.u.washington.edu)
    Edward J. Branley (elendil@mintir.new-orleans.la.us)
    Eric Johnson (ejohnso@ccu.umanitoba.ca)
    Mark (AH.PBL@forsythe.stanford.edu)
    John Greer (grimoire@byron.u.washington.edu)
    Hugh Miller (hmiller@lucpul.it.luc.edu)

The Council believes that its recommendations, if implemented, will please
liberals and conservatives alike; and true Dan-Fans will be especially
delighted with the first half of the show, because they can play along at home.
Your comments are welcome, and should be sent to the Council at <dks@mit.edu>.


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Name of show:

    Badge of Honor!


Set:

    Identical to the 1992 Republican Convention, complete with faux delegates.


Music:

    Theme music: "Deutschland Uber Alles."
    Mood music:  "Ride of the Valkyries."
    Highlights:   Theme from "Magnum."


Announcer:

    Pat "God Told Me to Run For President But I Lost Anyway" Robertson.


Sopranos:

    Tammy Faye Bakker,
    Bay Buchanan,
    Mary Matalin,
    Peggy Noonan,
    Phyllis Schlafly.


Choir:

    Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


Competitiveness Council:

    Richard Nixon, Chief Justice,
    Roger Ailes, Associate Justice,
    Rush Limbaugh, Associate Justice,
    Pat Buchanan, Associate Justice,
    Edwin Meese, Associate Justice,
    Oliver North, Associate Justice,
    GRANT CUNNINGHAM, Associate Justice,
    David Duke, Associate Justice,
    Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice.


Prizes:

    An all-expense-paid round of golf with Dannikins
    A dream double-date with Marilyn and Dannikins
    A complete "Ronald Ray-Gun" set by Mattel
    A CD with 5500 tracks, all of which contain the "Read My Lips" pledge
    A bright, shiny badge of honor (given to all contestants)


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FORMAT:


Fade in to theme music.
Pat screams "Let's all play . . . B A D G E   O F   H O N O R !"
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.

Enter Marilyn, wearing 50s-style sunglasses and a natural-dyed ranch mink
  from Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills, Inc.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
Mood music, choir, sopranos.
Enter Dannikins, clad in medal-festooned military uniform.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.

Pat introduces three contestants -- all young, blue-eyed, blond, and male.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
Dannikins jokes with contestants about spelling, about Candace Bergen, about
  the cultural elite, and -- nervously -- about James Addison Baker, III.
Odoriferous yellow liquid *trickles down* daintily from the rafters.
Really wild applause from audience of faux delegates.


Round 1: The Magnificent Mind

Dannikins flashes a smile and draws a topic question out of a large purple hat.
Marilyn smiles demurely and reads the topic question aloud to all contestants.
Contestants in turn:
    Enter an isolation booth so that other contestants can't see or hear them.
    Listen to Marilyn repeat the question.
    Respond to the question as they imagine Dannikins would respond to it.
    Are disqualified if they do not keep a straight face while they answer.
Dannikins announces which response came closest to what *he* would have said.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
Competitiveness Council awards extra points if the winning response is a lie.
Mood music, choir, sopranos.
Prizes awarded.
Really wild applause from audience of faux delegates.


Intermission

Mood music.
Bats released from the rafters.
Messages from sponsor (Obsession, from Calvin Klein)
More mood music.
Enter Marilyn, dressed as before, but swaying and smiling sadly as she walks.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
More mood music, choir, sopranos.
Enter Dannikins, clad in French-cut swimming trunks and a sequined cape,
  his manly torso oiled and perfumed.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.


Round 2: The Heavenly Hardbody

Pat introduces three emaciated, tax-and-spend liberals.
Loud boos from audience of faux delegates.
Pat disappears.
Dannikins jokes with contestants about family values, about the ACLU, about
  the media elite, and -- nervously -- about James Addison Baker, III.
Odoriferous yellow liquid *pours down* from the rafters.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
Mood music.
Dannikins removes cape, calls upon Almighty God to Bless his Holy Crusade.
More mood music, sopranos.
Almighty God responds, Blessing Dannikins in a Loud, Booming Voice.
Wild, cheering applause from audience of faux delegates.
More mood music, sopranos, choir.
Pat re-appears.
Highlight music.
All three tax-and-spend liberals are pushed into ring in the middle of the set.
Highlight music, fortissimo.
Dannikins jumps in and wrestles down all three tax-and-spend liberals at once.
Chants of "96! 96! 96!" from audience of faux delegates.
Marilyn removes her 50s-style sunglasses and natural-dyed ranch mink
  from Dicker and Dicker of Beverley Hills, Inc., and enters the ring.
Rebel yells from audience of faux delegates.
More highlight music, fortissimo.
Entire Competitiveness Council strips down to leotards and enters the ring.
Wild applause from audience of faux delegates.
Entire audience of faux delegates strips down to leotards and enters the ring.
Odoriferous yellow liquid *positively gushes* from the rafters.
Wild applause from living rooms all over America.
Three emaciated tax-and-spend corpses tossed out of the ring.
Mood music, sopranos, choir, all rising to an ear-shattering crescendo.
Three bleeding hearts tossed out of the ring.
Prizes awarded: badges of honor for everyone.
Wild applause.
Balloons released.
Really wild applause.
Pat announces names of three more tax-and-spend liberals for next day's show.
Closing benediction by the Archbishop of Paraguay.
Fade out to theme music.

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Void where prohibited by law.


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