Date: Sat, 26 Sep 92 3:25:03 EDT
From: funny-request@clarinet.com
Reply-To: Individual Authors
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Material from the one-liner file
Keywords: various

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.




From: sl@wimsey.bc.ca (Stuart Lynne)
Subject: saw on a notice board


    Notice 
	Due to budgetary constraints the light at 
	the end of the tunnel is being turned off.

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From: flynn@yoda.eecs.wsu.edu (Patrick J. Flynn)
Subject: Check please...

A new corollary to Murphy's law (experimentally verified this past weekend
at the Olive Garden restaurant in Spokane, Washington):

Five milliseconds after beginning to chew a mouthful of food,
the waiter will arrive and ask if it tastes OK.  He will be unable to
interpret hasty nods of the head, thumbs-up gestures, or words from your
spouse, and will wait, staring at you like a stunned ox, until you have
chewed, swallowed, and allayed his fears yourself: "yes."

We tipped him anyway.

Pat Flynn, School of Eeks, Washington State University
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From: steve%paz.pcc.com@uvm-gen.uvm.edu (Stephen Minnis M.D.)
Subject: PMS

Question: How do you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS?

Answer: Beats the hell out of me!


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From: lw24lag@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu (peter lavallee)
Subject: Stationery store

The other day I went to the stationery store...


but it had moved. 
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From: ROY_WELLS@qm.vitalink.com (ROY WELLS)
Subject: The USSR's New Ad Slogan

Perhaps to market themselves to the West, the Soviet Republics (and the rest of
Eastern Europe) should adopt a catchy slogan, like:

     "The USSR:  We're trading Marx for Dollars"


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Organization: Sybase, Inc.
From: georg@cobra.sybase.com (Georg Carlson)
Subject: New 30c stamp graphic


This was seen in the SF Chronicle's Sunday Punch week before last:

The post office solicited for graphic ideas for the new 30 cent stamp.
One artist suggested the following: A hand holding out a tin cup.

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From: jdevans@athena.mit.edu (John D. Evans)
Subject: The Zen of Demos.


	If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to demo it,
	does it make a sound?

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From: TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu
Subject: a new joke

Q:  How many college students it takes to change a light bulb?
A:  I don't know.  I left my calculator at home.

----
Hans Liu
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From: psavoie@pro-micol.cts.com (Pierre Savoie)
Subject: Schizophrenics' Convention

   Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992?
   Don't miss it!  Anybody who's everybody will be there!


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From: jfielek@gauss.ssc.gov (Josh Fielek)
Subject: Delta Airlines


A modification of the Delta motto we used after a crash a Dallas Fort Worth 
Internatial Airport where the Delta flight crashed on approach :

	"Delta - We almost got you there"

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From: PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS)
Subject: A good joke

 
A joke for gamers:

How many clerics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 Cure Light Wounds

Source: Tim Hannon
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From: din@mruxb.cc.bellcore.com
Subject: Bilingual(?)


Car Dealer's Advertisement in The Sunday Star Ledger:

Bilingual - we speak many languages.

Dinesh Nettar


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From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio)
Subject: More Politically Correct terms


More for you Politically Correct types:

    Homeless? No more.  Now it's "Residentially Handicapped."
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From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio)
Subject: What does MAC stand for?

This is a list compiled by myself, with a little help from some nutty net-ers.


 MAC = Masquerading As a Computer
 MAC = Moronic Asinine Crap
 MAC = My Allowance Consumed
 MAC = Money Always Counts
 MAC = Mother's Artificial Charms
 MAC = Mickey's Alternative Computer
 MAC = Mindlessness Applauded & Celebrated
 MAC = Much Advertised Crap
 MAC = Masochist's Automatic Calculator
 MAC = Merely A Chimera
 MAC = Makes All Cynical
 MACINTOSH = Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs
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From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio)
Subject: What does IBM stand for?

This is a compilation from many people...

  IBM - I Blame Microsoft.
  IBM - I Buy Macintosh
  IBM - I'll Buy Macintosh
  IBM - I've Been Mislead
  IBM - I've Been Moved
  IBM - I've Been Mugged
  IBM - Incontinent Bowel Movement
  IBM - Identical Blue Men
  IBM - Idiotic Bit Masher
  IBM - Idiots Become Managers
  IBM - Idiots Built Me
  IBM - Ignorant Buttfucking Morons
  IBM - Incompatible Business Machines
  IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine
  IBM - Inferior, But Marketable
  IBM - Infernal Bloody Monopoly
  IBM - Institute of Black Magic
  IBM - Intercourse Beats Masturbation
  IBM - Internal Beaurocratic Mess
  IBM - International Brotherhood of Magicians
  IBM - Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
  IBM - It'll Be Messy
  IBM - It's Backwards, Man
  IBM - It's Being Mended.
  IBM - It's Better Manually
  IBM - Itty Bitty Machines
  IBM - Itty Bitty Morons
  IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
  IBM - Immense Bowel Movement
  IBM - It Barely Moves
  IBM - I Buy Mainframes
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From: bradley@csrd.uiuc.edu (David K. Bradley)
Subject: Mosquito Poem

	A mosquito was heard to complain
	That a chemist had poisoned his brain
	The cause of his sorrow
	Was para-dichloro-
	 diphenyltrichloroethane

		From the Seattle Food Garden Newsletter, 
		put out by the Washington State University's
		Extension Service and King County


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From: bigfoot@rata.vuw.ac.nz (Sasquatch)
Subject: Blind Joke

Heard on a local radio station:

How do you tell the blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard

{ed Which of course makes no sense if you've ever been to a nude resort.}

-Sasquatch

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From: jti@ai.mit.edu (Jeff Inman)
Subject: three boys

My grandfather (Bill Marshall) had two brothers, and his father
also had two two brothers.  The following maxim sprang up somewhere
along the way:

One boy is worth half a man
Two boys are worth half a boy
Three boys are no help at all.
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From: T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie (VMS Systems)
Subject: The verb "To Conform"

The full parsing of the verb "To Conform" is:

        I conform to
        You are compatible with
        He/she/it locks himself into

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From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay R)
Subject: Original one-liner


"Uneasy lies the head that has dandruff."

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From: ghost@ra.nrl.navy.mil (Glenn Host)
Subject: Why does the sun never set on the Brittish Empire?

Why does the sun never set on the English Empire?

Because even God does not trust the English in the dark.

Told to me by an Irishman (naturally)
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From: rbe@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Robert Bernecky)
Subject: Son of Hacker Joke

After seeing the hacker joke today, it seemed to me that a follow-on
was required:

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They use a hammer.


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From: mkwan@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au (Matthew Kwan)
Subject: Vegetarians

This is original.

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?

A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.