From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: longevity of friendships.
Date: 25 Dec 92 22:06:00 GMT
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


we used to have this friend, J.  J. was also a romantic interest.  J. was
our first kiss, first real sexual experience, first SO, first break up,
first get back together, first break up again.. (and on and on and on)
first slow dance.

J. was important in our life for many years.  J. said he would be in our
life forever.  we occasionally fantasized about marrying J., but not real
seriously because we knew we were better off as friends, not as lovers.
J. said he would be in our life forever.  J. loved us.  J. really loved
us.  J. was a little obssesive about us.  J. had habit of clinging onto 
to people long after he should have let go.  Wasn't the most healthy of
relationship, but gave me a lot of joy, learned lots, grew lots, also
hurt lots.  when I was getting to know J.  I htought that there was a
year and a half limit to my friendships, after that the friend would get
sick of me (or I would drive the friend away) and the friend would be
gone.  J. helped convince me that wasn't true.

J. said he would be in my life forever.  I believed him.  I htought he
would be in my life, in some form or another, forever.

I had another friend, C.  C.and J. knew each other.  C. was a very good
friend.  I was in love with C.  C. liked me a lot, sometimes said she loved.
She was also straight.  She also said things like that I was the only 
woman she could ever sleep with.  We wanted to marry C.  C. once said
that she wanted to live next door or across the street from me when we
'grew up'  (got out of school finally & got real jobs, married, all that
good shit)  C. was real importnat perosn in my life.  J, C, and my mother
were the three most important people to me for 3-4 years.  I wanted C.
to be in my life forever, she wasn't so sure about that, she is much
more mainstream & the only person she will commit to always having in
her life are her family & her as of yet unknown husband.  friend are
important, but they come and go.  you wouldn't ever think about changing
where you go to school, or where you live to be with a friend, they way
you would with a husband.

About 14/15 months ago J. and I agreed to stop being friend.  it wans't
working.  we said we still loved each other but we didn't like each other
anymore.  we said some hurtful things to each other.  it came about from
a lot of stuff.  what felt like a turning point for *me* was about a 
year and a half ago when he betrayed my trust in him in a way that had
similarities to the time I was sexually assualted by a so called friend
a long time ago.  J had been one of my main supporters in dealing with
that incident & he knew what happened & he knew how I had beena ffected
by it.  so when he did something that had some strong parrellels....it
was difficult for me to deal with.  and I wouldn't tlak to him about it.
he didn't think it was that big a deal.

C. stopped speaking to me a little less than a year ago.  wouldn't say
hello in passing for about a month or two.  wouldn't do more than 
polite chit chat for several more months.  started sending hints through
mutual friends that she was ready to talk to me (I tried about 5 times
of the course of 4 months to talk to her & she either wasnt' around
or had company or I lost my nerve to bring up anything real each time)

She talked to me a few months ago.  said she had been angry at me and
could never tell me so. that I was pushing her to be bisexual.  said our
relationship was unhealthy & she didn't know how to deal with it except
to cut me out of her life totally.  I am still angry about this.  more
than a little.  I understand where she was coming from & I understand
a *lot* of the things I did wrong in that relationshop and I know I 
pushed her to have a lot closer of a relationship to me than she wanted
but I still and really upset about the way she dealt with it.  And oh,
I had remembered that I was a survivor a litlte after J. and I ended our
friendship & about two months before C. stopped speaking to me.  most
of those two months she was in a different country though.  and most of
my friends were also C's friends and they all blew me off too.  I was
 in the middle of major crisis -- had just failed 11 out of 13 credit hours
and been suspended from school -- that kind of thing.

And I realized my mom was perp and started cutting her out of my life
aout 3/4 a year ago, sent her a confrontation letter about 2 or 3 months
ago, so she isn't in my life either.

I have noticed that I'm a little wary of friendship.  And my expectations
of longevity of friendship is that they will not last long.  I think I
have given up on thinking that people will ever be in my life for my
entire life.  Sometimes I am okay with that -- I know that I make friend
and I lose friends and it works out okay.  sometimes I'm really upset.
I have a good friend.  someone I have only really known for a few months.
started making connection with her about half a year ago.  Oh, what shall
I call her?  S.  S. tells me that she isn't going to disappear out of my
life.  She says she is *always* going to be around.  I usually tell her
I don't believer her.  Because I can't.

I can believe in the sincerity of someone saying that.  S. has a lover
who's life she plans to always be in & I can accept that as possiblty 
true.  maybe that is a stickler, I can believe something about someone
else that I can't believe about myself & when that kind of stuff happens
I start to think I need to look at things.  hmmmm.

 ican't though.  i cna't I can't I can't.  its like, I already trusted
that people would always be around, and it didn't work and I am way too
scared to do that again, but at the same time I REALLY want that sence
of stability, of continuity.

i fight myself on this one a lot.  and I am way over -intelluctualizing
this.  turning myself off.

don't know, have to think about this one.  maybe I'm jsut scared, maybe
I'mscared aboutother things, mayb eI don't relaly think that I can never
have a friendship/relationship that I can accept will probably always be
there in some form or another, because at least some of the people that
are no longer in my life now I at least sometimes believe wil be in my
life again (J. and mom...C. I doubt)

i'm scared of caring too much.  i'm scared of getting hurt again.  i'm
scared of what happened with J. being repeated, where someone who *knows*
what bothers me really taking advantage of that.  and I'm scared of reapeating
what happened with C, where I pushed too much.  but those are all things 
about *me*, well not all, some of them arethings about *me* that I am scared
of -- even with J. I felt like it came from a lot of repressed hostility
and I ws the cause of some of that.

oh, i don't know, this is getting really silly.

and this room is really cold.  my fingers are stiff.

we keep being really scared of wanting too much, asking for too much from
our friends.  we need to keep nice litlte lids and controls on them so
they don't get too close, don't get too important, so I don't loose control.
I don't have to control them, but I do have to control myself.  and when I
get so scared, when my little ones trust somebody.  there is so much more
potential from hurt, hurt both ways.  me and the friend.

i so tired of being so fucking alone though.  I *want* a new family, I had
my family of origen, then I had my family of friend, but the first one I
cut off and the second one has fallen apart.  and I'm so scared about building
a new one, especiall ybecause I am so not okay.  emergency stage anyone?
really freaking out?  discovering I'm multiple & lots of new alter sand
lots of unfun stuff that happened in my childhood.  probably gettins 
suspended from school again.  i'm afraid to build family again.  but I
almost need too.  I was so alone in the spring, I was so hurt and I was so
alone and now I'm not so alone anymore but I keep letting the hurt out and
I *know* that there is only so much any relationship can take of hearing
about and feeling the hurt, but I don't know how much, I knew how much with
people before, but they weren't survivors & they werent multiples and my
friends now ARE And I don't know how much is allowed!

us christina peoples


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