From: eg1n+@andrew.cmu.edu (Eli Brian Goldberg)
Newsgroups: alt.music.filk
Subject: Leslie Fish's househunting...
Date: 11 Sep 92 22:17:55 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA

(This is a file I was given by Mary Creasey on disk from GEnie.  Leslie
gave permission to repost this to alt.music.filk...)

...consider this funny story. Last time I was
in Phoenix, staying with Liz Burnham, I did some
checking on the local real-estate market (that's when
I discovered that, with my income -- as provable by
my tax returns -- I can qualify for every low-income
housing loan in the book, with the exception of VA),
and I came across an astonishing ad in the local
market-paper. It offered a three-bedroom house in
the Phoenix area for -- are you ready for this --
all of $10,000. No money down. $100 per month total
payments. Christ on a Harley-Davidson! I called up the
real-estate office making this offer, made it clear that
I was only checking the local market, and asked about
that house. Were the walls, roof and foundation
structurally sound? Yes. Were the plumbing and
electrical systems functional and up to code? Yes. Did
the air-conditioning system (an absolute necessity in
Phoenix) work?  Yes, again.  Okay, so what was wrong
with the house?  Well, it needed lots of plastering,
painting, yard work, and some patching of the roof --
and yes, low-interest repair loans were available.
Okay, sez I. If that's all that's wrong with it, just
why are you selling a 3-bedroom house for all of
$10,000? Well, squirms the agent, it's in kind of a
bad neighborhood. How bad? sez I, remembering some of
the neighborhoods I've seen in Chicago and Oakland.
Worst in the city, the agent sighs, and then he told
me this amazing story.

   Every few years, it seems, the big vice-gangs in
Los Angeles notice that there's no gang presence in
Phoenix -- which is just a quick 5-hour drive from
LA -- and get the idea of setting up a subsidiary
there. Well, a couple years ago, the colonizing force
came to this neighborhood -- it being poor and Spanish,
they figured they could move right in and take over --
bought this house and started operations. Unfortunately
for them, the neighbors not only didn't like this --
they didn't care for whores trotting up and down their
streets all night, pimps soliciting their kids, dope-
deals on the corners in broad daylight, and so on --
they weren't afraid to do something about it. The
neighbors called the cops (for some reason, the
Phoenix police are remarkably honest, capable, polite
and prompt), and the cops promptly came and swept up
all the whores, pimps and pushers off the street and
away to jail. The remaining gang members decided to
retaliate in the fashion they usually use in LA; they
got the complainant's name and address off the court
records, and did a drive-by shooting at his house.
Well, this wasn't Los Angeles. The moment the neighbors
heard the first gunshots fired, they all ran out their
front doors with their own guns -- rifles, shotguns,
pistols, everything -- and shot back.

   The car didn't make it to the end of the block. It
coasted to a stop, riddled with more holes than the
famous Bonnie and Clyde getaway car (which I've seen;
it's on display in a casino in a casino in Las Vegas).
The gas tank and fuel lines had been ruptured, so the
car caught fire. The neighbors waited a good 15 minutes
-- making sure nobody got out of that car -- before they
called the fire department to come put out the fire and
tow the wreck away. By that time, the asphalt under the
car had melted and caught fire too, which subsequently
left a large and nasty pot-hole in the street. The city
is slow about repairing small streets, so the hole
stayed there providing a traffic hazard for several
months. All this was two years ago, the agent concluded,
and there's been no trouble since, but the house and
the neighborhood still have a bad reputation -- and
that's why the house was so cheap.

   Hearing this story, I nearly laughed my ass off. I
told the agent that if I had the money at the moment,
I'd by-god buy the house; this was _nothing_ compared to
bad neighborhoods I'd seen here in California, where
drive-by shootings go unchecked by the well-armed cops,
let alone by the unarmed neighbors. If that's the
absolute worst you'll find in Phoenix, then that's the
city for me.

(I know it's not filk, but I claim that Leslie Fish's househunting
is filk-related news!!! ;-)