From: tjreynol@zephyr.cair.du.edu (The Jumpin Dude)
Subject: The Crack Choir
Organization: University of Denver
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 92 01:00:24 GMT


                      Crack Choir, 1992!

Probably the best skydiving songs ever written were for and were sung by the
Crack Choir in Lost Prairie, Montana.  This year marked the 25th anniversary
of this infamous boogie.  If you weren't there, where the hell were you? 
Over six hundred skydivers registered during the course of the week and the
parties that weekend were unbelievable at best.  You really must make an
effort to go next year.  It falls on the first weekend in August;  be there.

This years' Crack Choir songbook follows.  I really shouldn't post this
because it is supposed to be for women only but what the heck?  I will get a
hold of previous years songbooks and post some more songs because some of
them are absolutely hilarious.  I believe Dave and Nick Tousey wrote the
lyrics to all or most of them and those two deserve a lot of credit for
being so creative.

The 1992 Crack Choir marches up the steps of the bar and assembles on the
porch waving sparklers and chanting "Tight Twats, Tight Twats, Tight
Twats,...". 

TWO OSPREY JUMPERS

Two Osprey jumpers crossed the line, TABOO  TABOO.
Two Osprey jumpers crossed the line, TABOO  TABOO.
Two Osprey jumpers crossed the line, to fuck the women and drink the wine.
TABEE TABI TABILICKY I TABILICKY I TABOO.

NARRATOR:
25 years ago the Ospreys knew how to fling themselves from airplanes!  They
knew how to drink beer!  And by God they knew how to sing great songs!!! 
Many of those songs were written by the infamous Dave and Nick Tousey.  For
those of you who don't know Nick, you can learn all there is to know right
now...........

SWEET VIOLETS - SUNG BY NICK,  CHOIR JOINS ON CHORUS

(I can't describe this tune but the verse is sort of half spoken/sung and
the lines are strung together to give the effect of the non-rhyme.  If
there's such a song as Sweet Violets then that's probably the tune.)

[if you're familiar with the tune Shaving Cream that Dr. Demento used to
play, this is similar; if you read it really sing-songy, you'll get the
rhythym - tim]

There once was a jumper, his name it was Nick,
And he liked to show all the ladies his
Red Stevens rig, which he wore on his back
And he'd get to talking and tickle their
Whimsey, with tales of jumps he had made
And offer to train them if they like to get
In on the training and go make a jump,
And as a bonus they all would get...

Chorus:
Sweet Violets, sweeter than the roses
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.

One day after jumping while down on his luck
He went down to Mooses to hustle a
Pitcher from someone 'caus his belly felt slack
When he walked in the door he spied this nice
Lady, enticing and built up in front
So he squared up his shoulders & stepped up to the
Bar and he ordered himself up a drink
And slipped in the sawdust and split open his
Red Steven jumpsuit and sat on the floor 
'Til he was picked up by a friendly young 
Barkeep who said that he'd recently heard
That jumpers were all just a big bunch of ...

Sweet Violets...

He loved beer and whiskey, but what he liked best
Was sitting and chewing on some old broads'
Dentine while she was up getting a beer
All of the ladies thought he was quite
Handsome, they'd give him their chewing gum and all
And in return he'd let them pick his...

Sweet Violets...

He went to the airport to get in a jump
With a friendly young student that he used to
Train in the days when she first came to town
He liked to jump with her cause he knew she'd go
Up for a high one and wouldn't be shocked
If he asked her on climbout to hang onto his
Helmet and goggles and she wouldn't sass
If while they were climbing he hung onto her...

Sweet Violets...

They sat in the plane while it climbed high above
And as they rode he spoke fondly of
Flying and jumping and things he had done
And kept in the meantime one hand on her
Shoulder and told her she must keep her cool
And keep while flying one hand on his 
Harness because it would steady her some
And she found herself with a handful of...

Sweet Violets...

They turned in on jumprun & the prop blast they hit,
She went unstable & he grabbed her
Quickly and hung onto her coveralls
And in desperation she grabbed for his
Harness & missed it & flopped over Nick
And he fell upon her and gave her the...

Sweet Violets...

She dumped and he fell & to put it quite blunt
When he passed 2,000 his mind was on
Students & training which proves like as not
that while you are jumping you can't think of
Others or you'll find yourself just like Nick
With nothing to show but a very limp
Ripcord so don't be a nut & get into
Trouble because of some...

Sweet Violets...

When they went out to look through the blood and the guts
All they found was a helmet and a big pair of
Goggles just laying out there in the ditch
And they said there's the end of this
Summer of jumping & out at the hanger they dug a great pit
And put Nick in the bottom and filled it with...

SWEET VIOLETS!!!!!!

NARRATOR:  Of course, Tousey wasn't the only one back then with a shady
reputation;...

FRANCIE MCFILTHY

There once was a maiden, the age of fifty-seven,
Who drove a strato star like you ne'er seen before.
She drank and she cussed and she stank to high heaven,
That's Francie McFilthy, the  Skydivin' Whore.

We went to a jump meet in Kal'spell Montana,
The gang was all lined up by the LP lounge door.
But out by the hanger one went for a quarter,
With Francie McFilthy, the  Skydiving Whore.

In the barnstormin' days when we flew a 180,
The struts were all taped up, the upholstery was tore.
But out on the jumpstep stood Francie McFilthy,
The Pride of Lost Prairie, the Skydiving Whore.

Ol' Francie, the Queen of Barnstormin' Banditos,
Could punch out a SOS 'till her knuckles were sore,
Then play Pope and Bishop and take on 9 jumpers,
That's Francie McFilthy, our  Skydiving Whore.

Well Francie looked lovely when she smiled at the Preacher,
A new R-dub jumpsuit the gown that she wore.
Behind her sweet back she gave us the finger,
That raunchy ol' bastard and Skydiving Whore.

The marriage was short-lived and so was ol' (Ernie),
He crashed through the roof and he died on the floor.
She missed the fun'ral for a night jump in Kal'spell, 
So what's more important to a Skydiving Whore?

Then one day it happened - gasp! - her piggy-back failed her,
She tracked for the lake but she just made the shore.
She closed bloodshot eyes and she smiled through her asshole,
And that was the end of our Skydiving Whore.

Now out there somewhere on that Eternal DropZone,
Stands one who hollers and bangs on the door.
"Won't you breakdown and buy me a drink there St. Peter",
Says Francie McFilthy, the  Skydiving Whore.

NARRATOR:  Even though the women had to contend with Francie's reputation,
they kept on humping, er, I mean jumping.  They made all girl loads and even
had a Montana's women's team.  They were proud of their efforts.  Nick
Tousey expressed another opinion...

THE MONTANA CRACK TEAM - SUNG BY NICK TOUSEY

The Montana Crack team they called them,
A crack team is just what they were
With perfume and lipstick, mascara, sweet armpits
And saddles all covered with fur.

NARRATOR:  And so the "Crack Team" evolved into the "Crack Choir" with their
response:

THE CHAUVINIST PIG TEAM

The chauvinist pig team we called them, the chauvinist pig team they were,
With swear words and bad breath, big egos, wet armpits, And saddles that
smelled like manure.

He thinks he's a real Cassanova,  He'll wink and he'll give you a smile,
But on Earth or in air they're the same everywhere, For all men are just
shitty at style.

He's constantly pulling his pants down, The reason we really don't know.
We pity the fool trying to show off his tool, for two inches just ain't much
to show.

They talk about how dumb the broads are, and how all they can do is screw.
But what they don't realize is men are no better, for fucking will usually
take two.

The chauvinist pig team we called them, the chauvinist pig team they were,
With swear words and bad breath, big egos, wet armpits, And saddles that
smelled like manure.


NARRATOR:  And let's face it, even though we have our faults, women do have
lots more fun!

HURRAY FOR ALL GIRL LOADS

We're comming, we're coming, our crack choir band,
On the fun side of jumping ,we do take our stand,
We don't chew tobacco, because we do think,
That chewing tobacco will grow you a dink.

Chorus:
Hooray, hooray for all girl loads, all girl loads, all girl loads,
Hooray, hooray for all girl loads,
Cuz they put all the fun back in jumping.

We don't wear tight jumpsuits because we know that,
A skinny suit will only accent our fat,
And can you imagine a sorrier sight,
Than a skinny suit molding to our cellulite!!!!

Chorus

We never do dirt dives because we surmise,
That dirt dives will only detract from surprise.
And how could a dirt dive improve our great skill?
When eleven maneuvers are run of the mill.

Chorus

NARRATOR:  Besides, we've caught the men in action a few times...

I THINK HE WENT LOW NOW  (to the tune of I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW)

You can go base,
That's what they say when (BUNGEE'S) jumping
And try not to flail, They don't understand
And so he's tumbling just as fast as he can,
Grabbin' out for anybody's hand,
Trying to stable out up in the sky
And then they build the star around him and they tumble
  toward the ground, and then they say,
I think he went low now, He doesn't seem to be anywhere around
I think he went low now, the squeaking of his fart is the only sound.

Look at he way, He's gotta lie in his logbook,
'Cause what would they say, if they ever knew...
CHORUS

NARRATOR:  But after all is said and done, jumped and sung, we've all ended
up friends.  In fact, we've made a helluva lot of buddies through the years.
 We've also lost some very special friends along the way.  We'd like to
dedicate this song to all those we miss so very much...

FRIENDS  (Choir holding lit candles)

Friends, we used to jump with you, drink with you, laugh with you,
And though your time on earth is through,
We still remember you.

Friends, we will remember you, toast to you, sing for you,
And though your time on earth is through, our hearts are still with you.
(hold candles high)

NARRATOR:  25 years of jumpmeets, friends and fun!!!  Let's sum it all up
with this poem.

POEM:   (Lots of nudity and horsing around)

NARRATOR:  And so, here's to Nick!  Here's to friends!  And oh... we almost
forgot... here's to all you MEN...

MEN       MEN        MEN        FUCK THEM.         AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL
MEN!!!!!!! (the women give the guys the famous, annual one finger salute).