From: kjc@aramis.rutgers.edu (Kelly J. Cooper)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Tom Robbins, ANOTHER ROADSIDE ATTRACTION
Date: 6 Jan 93 17:37:56 GMT
Organization: LCSR @ Rutgers University


From _Another Roadside Attraction_ by Tom Robbins


  While strolling through her cactus gardens one warmish 
June morning, Amanda came upon an old Navajoh man
painting pictures in the sand.
  "What is the function of the artist?"  Amanda demanded
of the talented trespasser.
  "The function of the artist," the Navajo answered, "is to
provide what life does not."

***

  Amanda became pregnant during a fierce thunderstorm.
"Was it the lightning or the lover?" she was sometimes
heard to muse.
  When her son was born with electrical eyes, people no
longer thought her foolish.

***

  It was one of those mellow October days that seem con-
cocted from a mixture of sage, polished brass and peach
brandy.  Amanda's father hiked (puffing) through fallen
leaves, nut burrs and squirrel tracks all the way to Bow
wow Mountain.  There he found his daughter in the mouth
of a bat cave talking softly with the Idiot.
  The father was both relieved and perplexed. "You have a
terrible cold, Amanda," he scolded. "I thought you had gone
into town to see Dr. Champion but someone said they'd
seen your motorcycle zoom into the forest."
  "I came to visit Ba Ba," Amanda answered. "He has re-
vealed to me the hidden meanings of my fever and the
deeper significances of my sneezes."
  "When one is ill it is much more logical to see a physi-
cian," her father insisited.
  Amanda bestowed loving smiles upon her father and
silently continued to embroider her dragon cloak.
  Blushing, the Idiot rose to his feet.  He removed, with
respect, his battered gray tam and stared down at his
boots. "Logic only gives man what he needs," he stam-
mered. "Magic gives him what he wants."

***

  "My dear Amanda," intoned the family lawyer, "it has
come to my attention that you are increasingly seen in the
company of extremely weird individuals."
  Brushing a cigar ash from the attorney's somber necktie,
Amanda corrected him. "There is no such thing as a weird
human being. It's just that some people require more under-
standing than others."

***

  "There are three mental states that interest me," said
Amanda, turning the lizard doorknob. "These are: one, am-
nesia; two, eupohria; three, ecstasy."
  She reached into the cabinet and removed a small green
bottle of water-lily pollen. "Amnesia is not knowing who
one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is
not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is know-
ing exactly who one is--and still not caring."

***

  Amanda wouldn't give any money for the invisible dog, 
but she did offer to trade for him four of her wishes and
three of her dreams.

***

  AMANDA'S UNIVERSAL ADVICE FOR PARANOICS

  "About those men who are following you around and
watching your house at nights: don't be alarmed. Try to think
of them as talent scouts from Hollywood."

***

  Amanda always brushed her teeth with crushed straw-
berries. The strawberry pulp whitened her teeth and pink-
ended her gums.
  When death finally sucks her down the drain, as it must
suck everyone, Amanda will leave an iridescent ring around
the tub.

***

Kelly J. Cooper,
Tragically Hip Waif
kjc@cs.rutgers.edu
Newsgroups: alt.quotations