From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Subject: Anger and X's
Originator: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com
Reply-To: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Organization: TRW Space & Defense
Distribution: alt
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 20:46:53 GMT


=====Begin post for Adria=====
     Wow, this thing about anger really hits me where it hurts.  I was
broken home material too, didn't really exist or matter, that sort of
thing.  All emotions were punishable by severe beatings; as a result
my mouth became glued shut and all emotions were restricted to my room
and my pillow at night (everything negative came out in tears, nothing
violent).
     Up until last year I'd come home from work, wrestle with Callisto
until I was exhausted enough to cry, and I'd cry for about 2 hours.
Every day.  Well, not really crying, just making the noises.  I had not
been able to tear for years.  Ever since Callisto died I've been
really crying...tears and everything.  It's scary.
     But lately I've been jacked over by a lot of people including
everyone at the car dealership which sold me a lemon (I've had it
for 1 month, haven't been able to drive it for 2 weeks, and was
turned away from the service department last night, subsequently
got into an accident and was unable to communicate with anyone
about this till this afternoon; my s.o. has been doing most of the
mouthwork for me).
     I was angry.  I have been angry.  But if I try to ignore my
anger I end up burying it, stuffing it as it were. And this is not
a good thing to do.  I have learned from Callisto's death that
if I am feeling something I just have to let it run it's course
and when it's over, it's over.  This might mean throwing a short
tantrum because I am unable to verbalize anything because my
brain and mouth have short-circuited.  This might mean being
left alone (and when I say *leave me alone* I damn well mean iT!)
until I've calmed down enough to interact with others.  This
might mean to leave me alone to let me rant and rave upstairs
in my bedroom until I fall asleep from exhaustion; after a short
nap I'll be okay.
     But this crap of having people yell at me, telling me that I
don't deserve to have something that I paid for, telling me that
what I bought and am holding under their nose is not what it says
and that I didn't really buy it from them; *forcing* me to drive
a seriously dangerous vehicle; telling me that because I am a female
I do not know how to drive the car correctly or fill the gas tank
just doesn't float.  And it is insane for anyone to tell me that I
have no right to feel hurt by all these nasty words when I haven't
even made the first payment on the car yet.  And it is insane for
anyone to tell me that I have to put up with the car in it's present
condition because I'm just making more work for them.  And it would
be insane for me to sit in a corner and smile and say *gee, I guess
you're right; it's okay for the car to stall in the middle of
intersections, or on the road at any time it likes; and it's okay that
I have been injured because it stalled but don't you worry about it,
I'll keep it as it is.
     When I was a child, I remember working hard, saving money that
my mother didn't know about and buying a present for myself, a toy or
an article of clothing.  I remember sitting in my room looking at the
very expensive toy that was broken in the package and being afraid to
take it back.  Well, this car is also an expensive toy.  I continue
to take it back because it is broken and no one will do anything
about it; just the kind of thing that kept me afraid to bring back
the broken toy or torn clothing.

     I don't *live* with anger.  It is not part of me all the time
and I do not obsess about it all the time.  I get angry when badly
unjustified things are purposely done to me and no one will stop it
from happening no matter how hard I try or yell about it; and
believe me, I try doing everything possible before I start yelling.
     The horrible struggle against the abused part in my head which
keeps saying *it's okay, maybe they are right, maybe you are
over-reacting, maybe you should just shut up and leave it alone* is
terrible!  I want everything to be okay and I don't want to be
causing trouble, but at the same time, this vehicle is dangerous
and cannot be counted on and I am scared to death to drive the
thing or depend on it to get me to the hospital if I need to go.


     On the lighter side, this bit about Xians...took me a while
to realize that X=Christ.  That's all I wanted to say about that.
=====End post for Adria=======
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
Newsgroups: alt.recovery