From: colossal@cbnewsg.cb.att.com (colossal Microscope)
Subject: secret Real Estate Code
Keywords: secret Real Estate Code
Organization: AT&T
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 20:59:26 GMT


this was in the paper about a month ago...
the author is al sicherman
the format is mine
but i thought the rec.humor group would like this list


		secret Real Estate Code
		-----------------------

Sophisticated city living:	Next to a noisy bar.

Country feel in the city:	Previous owner kept a cow in the basement.

Traditional 
with contemporary flair:	Collapsing Victorian with 3 picture windows.

Newer roof:			Original thatch has been patched 
				with spray-on tar.

Old World charm:		Has some woodwork.  Needs cleaning.

Contemporary feel:		Has no woodwork.  Needs cleaning.

Close to lake:			Impossible to park on the street 
				from April to October.

Picturesque setting:		Abandoned cars and/or waist-high weeds
				on neighboring lots.

Wide-open floor plan:		Previous owner removed supporting walls.

Updated bath:			Tub no longer overflows.

Updated kitchen:		Sink no longer overflows.

Country kitchen:		You'll have to eat at franchise restaurants.

Eat-in kitchen:			Previous owner sealed the door 
				from the kitchen to the dining room.

Move right in:			Has been unoccupied for five years,
				except for vagrants, vandals 
				and a herd of goats.

Motivated seller:		Has been on market 14 years; owner has died.

Security system:		Neighbor has loud dog.

Updated security system:	Neighbor has loud dog and open window.

Not a drive-by:			Exterior is falling off.

Drive-by:			Interior is falling off.

Needs TLC:			Major structural damage.

Handyman special:		Earth-moving equipment is required
				to get to front door.

Opportunity:			Quick, before it falls down.

Fixer-upper:			Quick, before it falls down again.

Convenient:			Located on freeway entrance ramp.

Completely renovated:		All cats have been found and removed;
				kitchen fan has been left on.

Neutral decor:			No murals of nudes or Elvis.

Move in easy:			Front door missing.

Walkout:			Back door missing.

Tudor:				Has backdoor and frontdoor.

Euro kitchen:			Smells of garlic.

Secluded back yard:		Auto salvage business next door has high fence.

Cozy:				No room larger than 9 by 6.

Demand area:			Traffic slows down about 3 a.m., 
				picks up by 5:30.

Walk to lake:			No bus service.

Cross-country ski 
from front door:		The road does not get snow-plowed.

Outstanding:			Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Lower-level family room:	Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

Starter home:			Automobile parts have been stored in bedroom.

Grandma's home:			No electrical improvements since 1926.

Original owner:			Several rooms are packed floor-to-ceiling
				with canceled checks and grocery receipts.

Really plush:			Five rooms of orange shag carpeting.

Bachelor pad:			Red velvet walls; smells bad.

Curb appeal:			Only the front of the house is painted.

150-amp service:		Previous owner had an arc welder 
				in the living room.

Lots of built-ins:		Previous owner nailed furniture to the walls.

Tenant wants to stay:		Evicting tenant is your problem.

No-maintenance exterior:	Chicken wire over tar paper.

Newer windows:			Old windows were smashed in a police raid.


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