From: nance@cbnewsd.cb.att.com (nancy.l.colucci)
Subject: Re: meeting future step children
Organization: AT&T
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 16:11:51 GMT

In article <wfLjMC600WBMI2gP1A@andrew.cmu.edu> Judi Mancuso <jm5p+@andrew.cmu.edu> writes:
>>HELP!  Next week I will be meeting my boyfriend's daughters for the first
>>time.  They are 13 and 8, and live with their mother.
>>I would GREATLY appreciate any ideas/thoughts/helpful hints on things to
>>do or not do when I meet them.  I think the plan is to take them to McDonalds
>>or something like that.
>I am going to speak from experience--I was once a 13 year old meeting a
>future step mom---WHOA!  All I can tell you is this--do not tell them
>how great their father is, do not tell them "I do not want to replace
>your mom", do not say "I want to be your friend" and do not tell them
>that you are going to marry their father.

<and Judi goes on to give other very insightful advice>

I'll offer some of my experiences as well, from another perspective.  A
lot of how you get along with your mate's children will depend on the
circumstances surrounding their parents breaking up.  If they know that
their mother is beyond grief about the breakup, then you can most likely
expect them to be loyal to her and not take to you right off.  Brace
yourself, but they might even be nasty (like say nice things to you and
then you'll hear through your boyfriend that they said the opposite to
their mom).

If the breakup was amicable, of if the mother is happily involved with
someone else and maybe daddy was hurt, there is a good chance that
things will be the opposite.  But these are possibilities; not rules.

When I met my husband's children, the situation was (unfortunately) like
the first case.  They had ill expectations about me because they heard
me being called all kinds of horrible names by their mother.  They expected
a vixen with foot-long painted nails and eyelashes out to here.  Since
what they saw instead was a very young woman who did crafts and wore
blue jeans and didn't have to dye her hair yet (and who was also making
a very big mistake, but that's another issue) and didn't act the way their
image directed, they had to LOOK for bad stuff to go home and tell mom
about.  It got back to me that I was short (gasp!), flat-footed (not
hardly), and had a funny laugh.  A few years later one of the girls told me
that if they had said anything good about me, their mother would ground
them.  (No, this marriage did not last.)

When I met my current boyfriend's children (who are the same ages now as the
kids above were then), it was much different.  I wasn't "stealing" him from
someone and nobody was hurt by the relationship.  My being older and somewhat
wiser than before made a difference too.  I remember his youngest daughter
(who lives with him) walking right up to me like a friendly little kitten with
her two older sisters close behind.  I didn't try to be anything but their
father's girlfriend and it went fine.

That was four years ago and I still have a very close relationship with
his daughters.  We've never discussed what we are to each other - we just
know we share a common love for a wonderful guy.  Hope this helps.
-- 
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Nance Colucci                                      att!ihlpl!colucci
    "Babies feel a lot better going in than they do coming out."
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Newsgroups: misc.kids