HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Love Letters
From: Andy.Taylor@brunel.ac.uk (Andy J Taylor)
Keywords: chuckle, sexual

This is very old, source unknown.

To my dear wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I
succeeded 36 times, which ia an average of once every ten days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

	We will wake the children			17 times
	It's too late 	 		 		15 times
	I'm too tired					 5 times
	It's too early					52 times
	It's too hot					15 times
	Pretending to be asleep				49 times
	Window open the neighbours will hear		 9 times
	Backache					 2 times
	Headache					16 times
	Sunburnt					10 times
	Your mother will hear us			 6 times
	Not in the mood					21 times
	Will wake the baby				17 times
	Watching the late TV show			 7 times
	Too sore					 9 times
	New hairdo					 4 times
	Wrong time of the month				 4 times
	You had to go to the toilet			 9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded
me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had
finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.


To my dear husband

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons
you did not get more than you did.

	Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat	 7 times
	Didn't come home				29 times
	Didn't come					14 times
	Came too soon					26 times
	Went soft before you got in			18 times
	Toes in cramp					 9 times
	Working late					49 times
	Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat	21 times
	In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls	 4 times
	Caught it in your zip				 6 times
	Got a cold, your nose keeps running		14 times
	Brewer's droop					95 times
	Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue		 9 times
	Had a splinter in your finger			 4 times
	Lost the notion after thinking about it all day	13 times
	Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book  8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you had missed and was stuffing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about a
crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back
or with me kneeling?"  The times you felt me move were because you had
farted and I was trying to breathe.  However, 6 months ago I phoned
Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been
calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

-- 
 Andy.Taylor@brunel.ac.uk       * Henley Management College, UK   

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clarinet.com
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clarinet.com
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: alex@ipac.caltech.edu
Subject: Amazing Fortune Telling Machine
Keywords: smirk


This guy is at a train station and he has half an hour to kill so he's
    bored and he's wandering around and he sees one of thsoe old-fashioned
    scales which gives you a fortune. So he thinks, what the heck, and he
    goes over to it and puts in a quarter and stands on it, and a card pops
    out which says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, and you
    weight 162 pounds". And as it happens, his name _is_ David Roth and he
    _is_ Jewish, and he is totally amazed. So he goes over to the ticket
    window, and asks the teller if he can give the scale a try, so the
    teller stands on it and his card says "you're name is Richard Miller,
    you're half Irish, and you weigh 190 pounds." and the teller assures
    him that this is correct. And they are both really amazed and puzzled,
    so they wander arund the station looking for someone to fool the scale.
    They finally find a guy who is half russian and half australian
    aborigine, and has a wooden arm. And this guy stands on the scale puts
    in his quarter, and his card reads "your name is sergei Goolagong, you
    have a wooden arm, you're half russian and half australian aborigine,
    and you weight 193 pounds". And they are all flabbergasted. So David
    Roth (the first guy) gets really puzzled and tries to figure out how to
    fool the scale, so he remembers a friend of his who is one quarter
    lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter german and one
    quarter hottentot, and is a midget" So he drives off to find her , and
    she agrees to come stand on the scale, and when she does, she puts in a
    quarter and gets a card which says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you
    are a midget, you are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american
    indian, one quarter german and one quarter hottentot,
    and you weigh 103 pounds". So David Roth thinks for a while and then
    says, wait, get back on the scale. So she does, and then he stands on
    the scale next to her, and he puts in a quarter. And out pop _two_
    cards. One says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you are a midget, you
    are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter
    german and one quarter hottentot, and you weigh 103 pounds". The other
    card says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, you weigh 162
    pounds, and you just missed your train"

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send us requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, we have it, but if we were willing to let ourselves be
a joke server we would spend all day doing it.  We reject all such requests.
Date: Sat, 26 Dec 92 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu (Matthew S. 'Opie' Warren)
Subject: Overeager Achiever
Keywords: original, chuckle, true

A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.

In my college dorm we play 'Assassin,' like lots of students.  Unlike most
people, though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that
if you hit your target there's never an argument about whether you really
hit them because, well, they're covered with Silly String(tm).

But for those two weeks you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, even
into classrooms where you're automatically safe.  So, there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly
String at the ready while the professor lectured.

The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the professor was talking
out  our next assignment, which concerned group norms.  (Group norms are
the unspoken rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's
dining-hall tray and start eating off it).  She was telling us the project,
which is to violate a group norm blatantly and intentionally, and then
write a little two-page paper about it.

And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and gets up on the stage
with the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). 
Needless to say everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause
brought down the house.

He only got a B-plus on the paper, though.  Go figure.

--
Matthew S. "Opie" Warren     warren-matthew@yale.edu

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: markl@kong.eng.hou.compaq.com (Mark Lobodzinski)
Subject: PMRC's Worst Fears...
Keywords: chuckle

	This came from a friend's _Guns N' Roses_ tape (it's not mine,
really!) and I don't think it's what Tipper had in mind...


	"This album contains language which some listeners may
	find objectionable.  They can F?!* OFF and buy something
	from the New Age section."


- markl
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.
From: jgrape@coos.dartmouth.edu (Johan A. Grape)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A statue for Bush
Date: 31 Dec 92 12:58:17 GMT
Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH

In article <C03q4v.79x@ais.org> hampton@ais.org (Kevin Podsiadlik) writes:
>In article <1992Dec30.181736.3711@eng.ufl.edu> Ravi Kiran <ballams@pine.circa.ufl.edu> writes:
>>I have come across this letter and feel that there 
>>are many of you out there who will enjoy this. I did not 
>>write this article and the credit belongs to somebody
>>else ( whom I dont know.)
>>
>>
>>Dear friend,
>>
>>We have the distinguished honor of being a committee to raise
>>five million dollars for placement of a statue of George Bush in
>>the Hall of Fame in Washington DC.
>[...]
>
>This from the "I know you are but what am I" school of humor, no
>doubt.  C'mon, isn't it just the slightest bit obvious that the
>person who wrote this took "Clinton Statue Comittee", replaced
>"Clinton" with "Bush", "Jesse Jackson" with "Richard Nixon",
>and "Democrat" with "Republican"?
>
>The sorry thing about it is that the "author" forgot to replace
>"Roosevelt" with "Eisenhower".
>
>I hope that this is not a sign that we as a nation are getting so
>politically numb that we can even tell the difference between
>Republicans and Democrats anymore. :-(
>
>ObJoke: "Windows NT will ship in 1992."
>
>-- 
>Kevin J. Podsiadlik          | 
>Vaporware Engineer 2nd class |    "But, Master, what if we behave badly?" 
>E-mail: hampton@ais.org      |    "You go to Detroit."
>CompuServe: 71460,3602       |

This was originally about Reagan, someone copied in Clinton etc.

Now we have it for Bush.

So - who's numb?

-Pinot Noir

----
Nope, .... no .sig
From: bcampbell@ll.mit.edu (Betty Campbell)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Car Acronyms
Date: 23 Dec 92 18:15:45 GMT
Organization: MIT Lincoln Laboratory


PORSCHE = Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

OLDSMOBILE = Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PONTIAC = Penniless Old Nicaraguan Thinks It's a Cadillac

FIAT = Fix It Again Tony



Hope these haven't been posted already - I just recently started reading
this group.



-- 
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Betty Campbell                             (bcampbell@ll.mit.edu)
MIT Lincoln Laboratory
Lexington, MA
From: tmabthor@flash.LakeheadU.Ca (Thomas M. Abthorpe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: BABY man page (request)
Keywords: baby
Date: 24 Dec 1992 16:49:39 GMT
Organization: Lakehead University, Thunder Bay, Ont., Canada

In article <Dec.16.15.43.10.1992.14437@pilot.njin.net> jeklavan@pilot.njin.net (Jeff Klavan) writes:
>Could somebody please email me or post the famous UNIX BABY man page?
>Thank U.
>

Me Too Please!

--
Thomas M. Abthorpe
tmabthor@Flash.LakeheadU.Ca 

Stupidity, like a virtue, is it's own reward!
From: kdq@quest.UUCP (Kevin D. Quitt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: RIDDLES (involving no survivors,bears,birds or bus drivers)
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 92 18:13:33 PST
Reply-To: srhqla!quest!kdq
Organization: Job quest  (805) 251-8210,  So Cal: (800) 400-8210

mlsmith@reed.edu (Marty L. Smith) writes:
> People following this thread may also be interested in this challenge: How
> many consecutive prepositions can you end a sentence with *without* quoting.
> That is to say, no talking about the prepositions as words; you have to use
> them for real.  I know one that has five, but I'm sure that can be improved 
> upon.

    I've seen seven, but can't find it (yet).  Here's five:  "What did
you bring that book that I didn't want to be read to out of up for?"


 _
Kevin D. Quitt      96.37% of all statistics are made up.     srhqla!quest!kdq
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: boenne@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Robert C. Boenne)
Subject: Not a joke but....
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 15:52:07 GMT

Heard on CNN Headline News...

Researchers have come up with a synthetic marijuana and are using it to
help AIDS patients increase their appetite.

	
	Robert 
	
	"Damn, I hate it when I get the munchies" 
-- 
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the
young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving,
and tolerant of the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life
you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver
From: tmabthor@flash.LakeheadU.Ca (Thomas M. Abthorpe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ASCII pics
Keywords: ASCII
Date: 30 Dec 1992 18:46:39 GMT
Organization: Lakehead University, Thunder Bay, Ont., Canada

Maybe, just maybe, we would like to see some EBCDIC pics?
--
Thomas M. Abthorpe
tmabthor@Flash.LakeheadU.Ca 

Stupidity, like a virtue, is it's own reward!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: andy@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (andy.russo)
Subject: This Just In....
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Holmdel, NJ - Jello Studies Group
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1992 19:59:08 GMT
Keywords: news, NOT-REAL, Clinton, Muslims, Tropical Birds


	BRIEF NEWS OF THE WORLD {December 29,1992}

	LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill
Clinton lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the
Christmas greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion.  The
President-elect puts up with the allergies to get in the holiday
spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but he was
surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale.  An aide said
the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the
president-elect stuffed up and irritable.  The future President was
quoted as saying something like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin'
aboud.  I feel fide.  I could negoadiate a tready.  Bud off.  Get owda
here."  Given how often he loses his voice, his aides say the
President-elect is learning "an internationally understandable set of
gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is totally voiceless
and cranky.

	In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there
is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool,
near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile
dashboard.

------

	ISRAEL --- The Israeli army announced that 10 of the Palestinians
deported as suspected militant Muslim leaders were deported by
mistake.  The ten claimed to be women's hat designers who prefer plain
cotton fabrics.  The spokesperson called it a case of mistaken identity,
and said the muslin milliners may return.  The spokesperson said it
would be inhuman to freeze and starve the exiled Muslims AND make
them spend time with hat designers.

------

	SOUTHERN U.S. --- After 18 months and several dozen dead
tropical birds, Frangelica MountDeHare has given up her life-long
ambition to become a Flamingo dancer.  Ms. MountDeHare had persisted
despite the urging of friends that it was Flamenco dancing and that
the birds did not make as good a clicking noise as castanets.


                             - 30 -

Andy (Dis-Associated Press) Russo
# Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the news anchorman?
# Whenever they were making love, he would grab a sheet of telex
# paper, put on reading glasses, and in a deep voice say
# "And this just in...."
From: vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: interesting christian
Date: 3 Jan 93 11:29:00 GMT
Reply-To: vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco)
Organization: Datamax/Satalink Connection * Ivyland, PA (215) 443-9434

BW>I once taught a class which included a student named Georgina
BW>Secsauer.  One day someone from the office popped in the door and
BW>asked "Is there a Secsauer in this class"?. One of the students
BW>promptly responded "Hell no!  We don't even get a coffee break"!.


Bill, I think you(or someone else) made this up, but it really 
tickled me, so I don't care<G>.

OBJ:  A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, That's really unique; where'd you get it?"
The parrot responds, "Africa.  There's hundreds of them."

L8r.


--- WinQwk 2.0 a#0
From: st1ns@jane.uh.edu (Ault, Russell W.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?
Date: 24 Dec 1992 10:15 CST
Organization: University of Houston
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: jane.uh.edu
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    

In article <25148.1065.uupcb@satalink.com>, vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco) writes...
>In the 60's, when I was in High School, there was a rash of 
>a kind of joke I had never hear before or since, and I'm 
>wondering if it was unique to us, or the region, or whatever.  
>The jikes literally made no sense at all and I guess that's 
>where the humor came from.  Does anyone remember anything 
>like these:
> 
>Q:  Why is an orange?
>A:  Because motorcycles dont have windshields.
> 
>or:
> 
>Q:  What's the difference between an orange?
>A:  The refrigerator has to be turned off.
> 
>TIA for any valid responses

Conventional Wisdom (he was the guy running the '68 Republican convention, 
remember?) has it that anyone who remembers the '60s wasn't there.  But
I think that the real reason that such jokes were considered funny has to
be traced to the chemical enhancement of humor that was being experimented
with by various persons at the time.  Chemically enhanced jokes were MUCH
funnier than the regular kind, but nobody who thought they were funny was
ever able to recall any of them a few hours later.  On the other hand, 
many people were resistant to (or perhaps even allergic to) chemically
enhanced jokes; these people didn't think the material was at all humorous
but claimed to be able to recall every line with perfect clarity.  The
strange thing was that chemically enhanced humor which had been filtered
through one of these resistant persons entirely lost its enhancement and
usually lost all humor content even though the words might actually have
remained in exactly the same order.  Research into the causes of this
phenomenon were halted by President Nixon as a result of a rumor that a
Democratic dirty-tricks committee was planning to intercept and enhance
some of the live feeds of Nixon's speeches after the election.  Declaring
"I am not a joke!" he ordered all funding cut for the research.  Some
undergound activities were conducted for a while thereafter, but the
persons involved in the research were relentlessly pursued and the 
subject material was made the target of an intense disinformation program
that is the principle reason that the official history of the late '60s
makes frequent reference to "drug abuse" when actually the problem was
that the people in power simply had no sense of humor.

I hope this clears it up for you.  


  My wife went to Harvard and all I got was this lousy .sig!
      Russ Ault, aka st1ns@jetson.uh.edu 
      (For the moment, anyway.  I reserve the right to
       polymorph myself into something more formidable.)

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: stevel@aio.jsc.nasa.gov (Steve Lancaster)
Subject: Re: interesting christian-surname combinations
Keywords: Funky Christian Names
Organization: NASA Johnson Space Center
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1992 05:34:52 GMT

In article <H3ZHwB1w165w@jab.tucson.az.us> cobra@jab.tucson.az.us (Ken Thompson) writes:
>My wife claims to have gone to school with a girl named Candy Kain...
>
>(I say claim only because we went to different schools...  :)  )
A friend of mine has a daughter that goes to school with Shady Lear. And
this is in a town famous for Ima Hog.
From: vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco) 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?
Date: 21 Dec 92 17:36:00 GMT
Distribution: world
Organization: Datamax/Satalink Connection * Ivyland, PA (215) 443-9434
Reply-To: vince.maiocco@satalink.com (Vince Maiocco) 

In the 60's, when I was in High School, there was a rash of 
a kind of joke I had never hear before or since, and I'm 
wondering if it was unique to us, or the region, or whatever.  
The jikes literally made no sense at all and I guess that's 
where the humor came from.  Does anyone remember anything 
like these:

Q:  Why is an orange?
A:  Because motorcycles dont have windshields.

or:

Q:  What's the difference between an orange?
A:  The refrigerator has to be turned off.

TIA for any valid responses.


--- WinQwk 2.0 a#0
                                                                                                              
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: aa395@yfn.ysu.edu (Perry Tarantine)
Subject: X-Mas Carols - Quiz
Organization: Youngstown State University/Youngstown Free-Net
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 18:34:22 GMT


These were passed around at a teacher's Christmas party.  All of 
these translate to more mundane titles.  Anyone have any others?
===

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in 
     their belief.

2. Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

3. Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.

4. Embellish the interior passageways.

5. Exalted heavenly beings to whom harkened.

6. Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.

7. The Christmas preceding all others.

8. Small municipality in Judea, southeast of Jerusalem.
9. Small masculine master of skin covered percussionistic cylinders.

10. Supreme being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.
11. Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere.

12. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.

13. Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine, perrenial
     gift-giver.

14. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino.

15. In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.

16. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature's 
     dormancy.

17. The first person nominative of triumvirate of far eastern heads of state.,

18. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant
     cups.

19. In a distant location, the existence of an improvised unit of newborn
     children's slumber furniture.

20. Porceed forward declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation.

21. Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us.

Merry X-mas.
-- 
Perry Tarantine  aa395  /*/     ///   /*/ Amiga: Computer for the
SysOp of the RPG Sig   /*/     ///   /*/     Creative Mind.
Type "Go RPG" and     /*/  \\\///   /*/ Your mother was a hamster
Join the Adventure   /*/    \XX/   /*/and your father smelt of elderberries
Newsgroups: rec.humor