From: rpowers@panix.com (Richard Powers)
Subject: I have nothing left.
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC
Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1993 21:54:40 GMT


The things in my life that I consider positive have finally dwindled
down to nothing.  (Well... unless I count this.  (Gee will my arms
break now so I cant use my computer?  Or will I go blind so that I
can't read news?))

I found out yesterday that my two "best friends" went to a party New
Years Eve.  Obviously they didn't invite me.  Now, what gets me is this:

When Steve (friend #1) told me about this, I was shocked.  I told him
"You realize I'm pissed."  He gets all defensive, like I have no right
to be angry.  He says that the party (an undergound rave) was all
techno, and that I hate techno, so what would have been the use of me
going and having a bad time?  Total bullshit.  Saying that I hate
techno is very much an exaggeration, first of all.  And I do not
believe for a moment that he really thought I would have been happier
at home alone _on_ _New_ _Years_ _Fucking_ _Eve_ than with him and
Wanda (friend #2.  The one I'm in love with, for those of you
following my misery), wherever and whatever it was.

So he just didn't invite me.  Only one conclusion I can get out of
that.  He just didn't want me around.  On New Years Eve.  Or should I
say _they_ didn't want me around.  

Not just that they didn't especially _want_ me around, but that they
wanted me out of the picture badly enough that they were willing to
hurt me this badly.  My guts feel like they're being put through the
wringer.  I haven't felt this bad since my mother died.  ...And they
did this to me on purpose.  That isn't something you do to a "friend".

So, that ends that part of it.  I no longer have any friends.  All
thats left is returning borrowed goods.



As if that weren't enough:

After I hung up on Steve after he got his attitude, I was a wreck.
MAJORLY upset.  So I slammed the door on my way out of the house, and
I'm going to get in my car.  My brother bursts out of the house
something about "slam the door- blah, blah- I'll kick your ass!".
Well, I wasn't exactly on an even keel at this point anyway, so this
tottally set me off- adrenaline rush- I was back in before I even
realized it and I get in a shouting/pushing match with Chris (my
brother).  He's yelling, I'm yelling, and he's threatening me because
I slammed a fucking door!  After a bit of this, I storm out, all the
while he's shouting at me.  Shit like- "yeah I _will_ kick your ass"
"right now", "you _better_ leave!", "and don't come back", and
assorted "fuck you"s and such were exchanged.

So I left.  And I didn't go back.  First I drove like a maniac- pissed
off like you wouldn't believe- almost hit some asshole who thought the
right-hand lane was the shoulder- for like two or three hours I drove.
Eventually I found a fairly desolate place to park my car and I slept
in it until this morning.  

I knew my brother and grandmother were supposed to go to a relatives
house today, so I called to see if anyone was home- fully expecting to
have to hang up when Chris answered, but it was his girlfriend who
answered the phone.  I asked her if they were leaving and when and she
told me.  I ate for the first time since the day before and then
played pinball for a while until I was sure they would be gone, and
here I am.



I've been dealt a shitty hand.  I think its getting time to fold up
and reshuffle the deck.

Lets see if I last 'till my birthday on the 15th...

... where _is_ that methods file?  What did it say about CO poisoning?

-- 
 Richard Powers    / Disclaimer: My keyboard is \   Computer=Amiga
rpowers@panix.com <  screwy.   Missing  letters  >  Music=Industrial
   Hail Eris!      \ should     be    expected. /   Food=Vegetarian