From: sheila@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (sheila)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
Subject: Sand Re: things
Date: 30 Jul 92 14:38:24 GMT
Organization: The University of Texas at Austin, Austin TX

In article <1992Jul27.041710.1@gacvx1.gac.edu> heath@gacvx1.gac.edu writes:
>I ran across this group and ended up spending an hour or so reading...
>I 'spose I consider myself some sort of amateur poet, but who doesn't?
>So I thought I would drop one or to and see what you all had to say...

I read this poem a bit. Skimmed the others. This one has sand in it
so I wanted to comment.

>open hours in my life spent		<--this part
>on a white sand shore watching
>people float by
>some pulled swiftly
>though
>fighting the current all the way
>others struggling to
>catch an easy ride
>still more bob along
>carelessly, content with the flow
>and the current takes them
>all along rapidly from its source
>to its end				<--to here. I don't like it.

>my hands bury themselves

I think I could like bury.

>in the sand at my sides

I think I could like the feel of the sand. I do like that.

>as the sun bathes me in heat

I don't like this part. I would find something rather than "bathe"

>I breath in deeply
>filling my lungs with rich clean air
>hold it
>and gently let out a sigh

this part - I like what makes this part. I do not like the words
you have chosen to speak of it.
I like thinking about breathing. Once I sat for a long time just
breathing in and out and thinking about it. Once I rubbed Matt's back
and listened to him breath and rubbed it in time with his breathing.
I am not sure if he noticed. I wonder if his back did?
an aside, filling to fill. sometimes I like using -ing, but others
I like not, better. It depends on the movement and time of hte
situation. I would strike out rich clean air.
hold it could be nice. I like that. It has some nice ideas in my
mind. Holding is beautiful.
I would strike gently let out a sigh. If it is important for you
to mention the exhale, find another way. avoid gentle sighs. I mean
avoid the actual words. The gentle sighs themselves, well, they
are wonderful.
Do you breath in until your chest is tight and mildy hurts and hold
it? and then exhale? I like doing that. I feel like I have such
a small lung capacity.

>my hair tossles about in the breeze 

I would delete this detail, unless this is a thought amplified in
your mind that has gathered a lot of importance. If it is, then
I will tell you that the importance has not come to me.
Why do you bring up hair? I like it when Matt touches my hair 
in the back and also touches the small hairs on my neck. The wind
could remind me of that. The wind could also feel beautiful.
Did the wind blow your hair into your face and mouth? This is
funny and I like this. Does the wind often blow hair into your
mouth? I like this. If it does, you could talk about it.
This makes me want to laugh and giggle so much that a poem about
it would be marvelous. O Wind O teaser! O airy hair. haha.

>when i stand and begin
>skipping rocks across the river
>to see the ripples that i make....

O, I don't like the standing up. I am not prepared for it.
I am still dreaming about sitting on a rock in Pedernales Falls
rubbing the sand near the water. the wet sand, if that is important.

but, It appears as though ripples are very important to you.
So, You would probably choose to keep them. 

I like the part where you feel sand granules on your fingers, and
the hair blows wind into your face and loves your neck and you breath
til your chest is tight. (although, chest is tight is probably a cliche)
anyway, I did not read much the other poems, but wanted to comment
on this one. You asked for reactions.
-- 
stark raving sane!   sheila@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu
Xref: sparky rec.arts.poems:7708 alt.romance:10292 alt.personals:16582