From: msmith@lssec.bt.co.uk (Martin Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv,rec.arts.tv.uk
Subject: Red Dwarf Series 2 Episode 2 Script (*spoilers*) (long)
Keywords: script,funny
Date: 6 Apr 92 08:18:57 GMT
Reply-To: msmith@lssec.bt.co.uk (Martin Smith)
Organization: BT D&P, London Engineering Centre

Hi everyone. 

I thought it was about time some RD scripts were posted here so I've dusted 
off my tapes and started work. Pity I missed series 1 and it's not out on 
video yet so I had to start with series 2. 

I've started with episode 2 as number 1 has a long Esperanto dialogue in it! I 
know it's in the RD book but I've lent it out. If someone could type it in and 
mail it to me I'd be well pleased. 

In the script below the usual cast are represented by their initials. Other 
characters are introduced as they appear. A couple of minor pieces of dialogue 
were obscured by insane laughter on the video soundtrack, sorry. 

Comments, corrections (and encouragement!) welcome. Mail to 
msmith@lssec.bt.co.uk 

Typing this took longer than I'd thought it would. Any more will depend to 
some extent on how much positive feedback I get! 


       --------------------------- Cut here ---------------------------- 


                Red Dwarf Series II Episode 2 - Better Than Life 
                ------------------------------------------------ 


                         Opening Narration by Holly 

H:    Three million miles from Earth the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave 
      Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his 
      dead bunkmate and a creature who evolved from the ships cat. Message 
      ends 

H:    Additional: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the only 
      thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion 
      miles away from the nearest Berni Inn. 


                             The Action Commences 

A rocket powered metal cylinder approaches Red Dwarf from the depths of space. 
Cut to inside where Lister has a medical problem. He is holding a bottle of 
liquid to help a bad stomach. 

L:    For a mild stomach upset take one teaspoonful. For acute indigestion 
      take two. 

Lister considers, takes the spoon out of his mouth and throws it away. Then he 
empties most of the bottle into a glass and starts gulping it. Rimmer enters, 
dressed as a chef. 

R:    Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't expect 
      perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my 
      dumplings went down. 

L:    Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to 
      perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce. 

R:    True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like they 
      were quite superb. 

L:    So how's the Cat ? 

R:    He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The lamb was 
      a bit of a flop though. 

L:    The lamb ? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that lemon 
      meringue pie man, what was in that ? 

R:    I thought you liked that, you brought some back. 

L:    Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot. 

R:    It's not easy Lister, cooking. When you're dead, when you don't exist, 
      when you're made entirely of light. 

L:    That's your excuse for everything isn't it ? being dead. 

R:    I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday, 
      normal, things that most living people take for granted. 

L:    You've got the skutters to help you. 

R:    What ? Pinky and smeggy Perky ? What use are they ? It's like giving 
      Blind Pew contact lenses. 

L:    They only do what you tell them to. 

R:    Ah but they don't do they ? You say "Keep an eye on that lamb" and they 
      do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn. 

L:    So. They've got no emotion have they ? It's not built into their 
      software. 

R:    Have you seen their broom cupboard ? it's full of pin-ups of John Wayne. 
      That cannot be right can it ? Piled this high with Film Fun magazines 
      (indicates shoulder height). It's not the way spanners behave in my 
      book. 

Holly appears on the screen and breaks in. 

H:    Oi. What's happening dudes ? 

L:    Hi Hol. 

H:    Guess what ? 

R:    What ? 

H:    Go on, have a guess. 

R:    What is it vaguely about ? 

H:    No clues, just have a guess. 

Rimmer and Lister look exasperated. Lister covers his face. 

H:    I knew you wouldn't get it. Post pod's arrived. 

R:    What, the mail ? 

H:    It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round it's 
      caught up. 

L:    Do you mean it's taken 3 million years. 

H:    Yeah, that's about average for second class post. 

Cut to the skutters, racing around the corridors. One is wearing an Indian 
headdress and is being chased by another in a cowboy hat firing a gun. Lister 
and Rimmer walk past. 

R:    See what I mean ? (makes Indian warcry). 

The pod has been opened. Piles and piles of mail are lying around. The arm of 
a skutter takes one from the John Wayne fan club addressed to 'the skutters, 
Red Dwarf, Deep Space, RE1 3DW' and disappears. 

R:    There's everything here, all the mail, entertainment cassettes, a new 
      batch of movies. 

L:    Oh, the new Friday the 13th movie. Friday the 13th part one thousand six 
      hundred and forty nine. 

R:    Look, Cassablanca ! They've re-made Cassablanca. 

L:    Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca ? The one starring 
      Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive. 

H:    I saw that one, knockout! 'Of all the space bars on all the worlds you 
      had to re-materialise in mine.' 

R:    Look, a cassette of a whole year's of Earth news here. 

L:    And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in the spring (gets 
      up to leave). 

R:    Ah Ah Ah Ah. What are total immersion video games ? 

L:    Where ? Oh these are brilliant (picks up canister). You can't get hold 
      of these for love nor money these are like Venus's arms. These are like 
      Brooke Shield's buttocks. 

R:    What are they ? 

L:    Well they're computer games aren't they ? But electrodes are inserted 
      into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus right ? So you actually feel as 
      though you're really, really there. Yessssss. 

R:    (dismissively) Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's a video 
      letter. 

H:    Bung it on. 

Lister inserts the cassette and a face, somewhat similar to Holly's, appears 
on the monitor. Except that this one wears glasses. 

H:    Strike a light, it's Gordon. 

R:    Who's Gordon ? 

H:    He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald. 
      He's got an IQ of eight thousand. 

G:    Alright Hol ? (the voice belies the IQ estimate). It, It's Gordon. 

H:    Awesome his intellect I'll tell you. 

G:    I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move is Pawn, 
      right. That's the little knobbly ones down the front. Pawn to King four. 
      Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you Hol. Bye. (waits some 
      time and the image still remains on screen) How do you turn this off 
      then ? 

L:    (turning off Gordon) You were playing postal chess with him were you ? 

H:    Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre I'd be a 
      fool not to. Pawn to King four eh ? He's a sly one. 

L:    So who's winning Hol ? 

H:    Well, he is really. That was the first move. 

We pan past the Red Dwarf exterior then go inside where Lister is sorting out 
the newly delivered mail. 

L:    Me, Me, Me, You, Me. 

R:    It's all junk mail yours you know. 

L:    Me, Me, Me. 

R:    You send off for every bit of rubbish going you do. Just so you'll have 
      some mail to open. 

L:    Me, Me. 

R:    (silly voice) Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four 
      super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. 
      Yes I am over eighteen though my IQ isn't. 

L:    Me, Me. Smeg! Outland Revenue. 

R:    (sucks in breath and becomes very cheerful) Oh oh oh oh, Outland 
      Revenue. 

L:    Eight thousand five hundred ? 

R:    Eight thousand five hundred ? (happy) That's a lot of tax isn't it 
      Lister ? How on Titan are you going to pay for that eh ? 

L:    I'm not (pause). It's yours. 

R:    What ? (jumps up) No. This is wrong, it's wrong. This is well wrong 
      Lister. 

L:    Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now are 
      they ? 

R:    What do you mean ? Just because we're three million years into deep 
      space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to these 
      people. They'll find us. 

L:    (returning to mail sorting) Me. 

R:    God. I'll be worrying about this all the time now. 

L:    Me. No another one for you. Rear Admiral, Lieutenant General Rimmer. 

R:    That's from my mother. 

L:    Rear Admiral ? 

R:    Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing 
      now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe. 

L:    Do you want me to open it ? (Rimmer nods, Lister does so and starts to 
      read). 'Dear Rimmer' Is this from your mum ? 

R:    That's mumsie ? 

L:    This handwriting's terrible. 'I hope this epistle finds you adequately 
      healthy to discharge your duties.' You know maybe I shouldn't be reading 
      this deeply personal stuff. 

R:    Just get on with it. 

L:    'I write to' I can't read that. Oh I write to inform. 'I write to inform 
      you that your father is dad.' Well of course he is. Maybe it's your 
      father stroke dad. 

R:    It's dead. 

L:    I can't make it out (holds letter up and examines it). 

R:    My father is dead. 

L:    What ? 

R:    My father is dead. 

L:    Oh yeah it's an E. (happy to have solved it) That's what it is. Your 
      father's dead Rimmer (realises what he's said). Oh eh. I'm sorry. 

R:    Is that all she says ? 

L:    Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep (looks at letter again) 
      sleep. 

The scene is now the observation dome. Rimmer is staring into space. Lister 
arrives. 

L:    Can't sleep ? 

R:    Hmmm. 

L:    No, me neither. 

R:    Hmmm. 

L:    I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of 
      presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple 
      more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried 
      to explain you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. 
      So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and 
      he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed 
      him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I 
      used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to 
      read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found 
      me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results. 

R:    I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead aren't they ? Just getting 
      that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday. 

L:    You never said much about him. 

R:    No. 

L:    You must have been pretty close. 

R:    Close. 

L:    Was it very close ? 

R:    Close (pause). I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts the pop-eyed, 
      balding, git. 

L:    What ? 

R:    He always wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer. But they 
      wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. One 
      inch. I had three brothers. When we were young he bought a traction 
      machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was 
      eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us and if we 
      hadn't grown, back on the rack. 

L:    Sounds like he had a screw loose. 

R:    I don't think he had one screw fully tightened to be perfectly honest 
      with you. He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space 
      Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got 
      them wrong - no food. 

L:    God Rimmer, how did you cope with that ? 

R:    I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition. 

L:    I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents. 

R:    When I was fourteen I divorced them. 

L:    What ? 

R:    I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment age and 
      access every fourth weekend to the family dog. 

L:    So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then ? 

R:    Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to him. 
      It was only natural, he was my father. 

L:    There's nothing natural about your family Rimmer. 

R:    It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to me 
      'well done.' 

L:    For what ? 

R:    For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me, just once. 
      And now .... 

The cat enters with a flourish, completely wrecking the serious moment. 

C:    Wow !!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey there you 
      are. Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat. 

L:    Shhhhh. Not now man. Rimmer's dad's died. 

C:    I'd prefer chicken. 

Back in the living quarters Rimmer is watching the news tape. A hologrammatic 
newsreader is reading the news. Behind her is a backdrop 'Groovy Channel 27'. 

NR:   Good evening. Here is the news on Friday the 27th of Geldof. 
      Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a 
      missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in 
      Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is 
      believed to read 'To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within 
      this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is 
      purely coincidental'. The page has been universally condemned by church 
      leaders. Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working 
      Front, a fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the ... 

The cat enters and sits on the end of Rimmers bunk. 

R:    Pause (the recording stops). 

C:    About your father. If it's any help he's in the ground now. Sure it's 
      bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the 
      little worms (wiggles fingers, Rimmer and Lister stare at him). There's 
      just no consoling him (the Cat leaves). 

L:    Rimmer listen, me and the Cat were going to play a TIV. We wondered if 
      you wanted to come (Rimmer shakes his head). Oh come on Holly says he 
      can key you in (Rimmer shakes his head again). No ? (Lister waits a 
      short while and leaves). 

R:    Play. 

NR:   ... middle class was arrested today. The man, Henri le Clerque, was 
      attempting to poison the mineral spring in france which is the source of 
      all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe the 
      middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks. Techno news. 
      The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video 
      game Better Than Life. Using the new senso lock feedback technology 
      Better Than Life is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and 
      then make them come true (Rimmer sits up and begins to take note). So 
      great is the appeal of Better than life when one store in New Tokyo ran 
      out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the 
      crowd. Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan ... 

Rimmer and the Cat are eagerly watching Lister who is searching through the 
mail. Rimmer has completely changed his mind about the idea and is as keen as 
the rest of them. 

L:    Better than life, here it is. 

R:    Brilliant! 

C:    Let's play. Hee hee hee. 

They all put on rather strange looking helmets and press large electrodes into 
their heads. A stupefied expression appears on their faces. Their heads roll 
alarmingly. Suddenly they are seen through a cloud of steam in a corridor. 
They pass through two sets of imposing double doors and appear on a beach. 
They have entered Better Than Life. 

L:    What sort of game is this ? 

R:    It's incredible. It's just like being here. 

L:    Yeesss. 

Lister has seen Marilyn Monroe walking towards them. 

MM:   Boop boop bi doo. 

She waves and walks past. 

R:    That's whatshername, the actress from the 20th century. Err, Mary 
      Magdelene. 

L:    It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. (nudges Cat) I think she fancies you. 

C:    What does that prove ? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a little busy right 
      now. I'll catch you later ok ? (waves to her and she waves back.) 

R:    It's absolutely incredible. Look, Look ! 

Rimmer has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs over to 
him. 

R:    Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you are my 
      all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war diaries 
      and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err could you 
      just sign this for me. Err make it out to my good pal Arnie from your 
      dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister 
      Alison. Errm we call her Arnie. 

Rimmer points behind Napoleans head as he signs the autograph and then goes to 
rejoin the others. 

L:    Napolean Bonapartes autograph! 

Suddenly a man appears with them. He is the Better Than Life guide. The crew 
look rather shocked by his sudden appearance. 

BTLG: Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life. Well you must be hungry and 
      there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach. 

L:    A couple of miles ? How are we supposed to get there. 

BTLG: Anyway you want. After all this is Better Than Life. 

L:    Any way we want ? 

Lister concentrates briefly and a powerful motorbike appears on the beach 
before them. 

L:    Hee hee. Yeah. Yo! 

Lister and the cat get on the bike and sunglasses appear in their hands. They 
put on the sunglasses, give Rimmer the finger and drive away, covering him in 
sand in the process. Rimmer concentrates and a clapped out Reliant Robin 
appears before him. 

R:    I'm thinking too small. Think big! 

The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar. 

R:    That's more like it. Heh Heh. 

He gets into the car and turns on the radio. Martial type music comes forth. 
Rimmer salutes. He concentrates again and a woman appears in the seat next to 
him. 

R:    McGruder! 

McG:  Hi Tiger! (makes growling noise) 

R:    I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that eh ? 

McG:  (emphatically) Yes I am! 

Rimmer growls and sticks his hand in his mouth. He seems rather pleased with 
the way things are going. 

R:    We're only one thing away from perfection. 

Rimmer concentrate again and fluffy dies appear in the car. (yes I know the 
plural of dice!) 

R:    Bliss. 

McGruder gives Rimmer a sexy look and he drives off along the beach. We cut to 
the interior of a classy restaurant full of colorful, you might say strange if 
they were poor, people. The Cat is blowing down straws and Lister is throwing 
food about and trying to catch it in his mouth as usual. 

C:    Where's Rimmer ? I thought he was right behind us. 

The Better Than Life guide appears and serves Listers' food. 

BTLG: Your caviar vindaloo sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and 
      butter to follow. 

L:    I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as 
      this you know. 

BTLG: This is Better Than Life sir. (turns to Cat) And yours was the fish sir 
      ? 

The cat nods eagerly and starts to lick the mans jacket. 

L:    (mouth full of food) What are you doing ? 

C:    I always do this when someone gives me food. 

The cat continues and Lister puts down his plate. The guide puts a tank full 
of fish in front of the cat. 

BTLG: As ordered sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish 
      cooked. 

L:    No sir. I like my food to move. (produces a fishing rod, dangles the 
      hook in the tank and starts singing.) I'm going to eat you little fishy 
      ... 

Rimmer walks in dressed rather nattily like someone from some years ago who 
has just been out for a drive in an expensive car, goggles included. 

BTLG: Mr Rimmer (salutes) sir. They're on table K on the second terrace. 

R:    Excellent. (he moves off to join them) 

C:    ... I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little fishy 
      cos I like little fish (laughs and shakes salt into the tank. Lister 
      still looks on with a strange expression) 

R:    Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was driving along and 
      suddenly there was McGruder. Well one thing led to another and ... Good 
      God this is a great game. Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh 
      Heffner. (he starts to eat some bread) 

L:    Rimmer, you can touch things! 

R:    I know. Why do you think I was so late ? (makes gesture with fist and 
      elbow - you know the one I mean). 

L:    Have you checked into your room yet ? 

R:    What room ? 

L:    I mean mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating, leopard 
      skin, waterbed in the shape of a guitar. 

C:    Yeah ? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it 
      crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my 
      shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks. (nods in a smug 
      manner and goes back to fishing). 

A voice off stage is then heard calling. Rimmer looks round, thinking someone 
is showing off. 

V:    Admiral. 

L:    But what about my electonic lavvy ? I mean this thing comes when you 
      call it, take your trousers down, does everything for you. It's just so 
      stylish. 

V:    Admiral. 

R:    Who is that ? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain, gimp knows an 
      Admiral does he have to broadcast it ? 

V:    Admiral Rimmer sir. 

R:    (makes yawning noise) Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an Admiral. Come 
      on. 

The owner of the voice now appears and does a Rimmer style salute. He is in a 
Captains uniform and remains at salute through the following speech. 

V:    Admiral Rimmer sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his compliments and 
      wonders if you would care to join him for port and cigars. 

R:    Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral. 

Suddenly Rimmer is an Admiral. He is now wearing a uniform with more 
decorations than the cistine chapel. 

R:    I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me. 

Rimmer gets up and goes to join the Field Marshall and friends. The guide 
reappears with a champagne bucket which he sets down on the table. 

BTLG: Dom Perignon '54 sir. (he brings out a beer glass and puts it down) In a 
      pint mug as requested. 

L:    Thank you my man. 

Lister drinks the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it and puts the 
empty glass on his head. The cat looks on. 

L:    That's a good year. 

We switch scenes to the Field Marshals party. Rimmer is sat at the head of the 
table, smoking a cigar. Everyone is laughing good naturedly. 

R:    So I said to Hollister (pauses slightly). Well I can't actually remember 
      exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel 
      and frighteningly witty put downs ever. 

The military men look at each other for a while. But this is Better Than Life 
so they all burst into laughter. A young cadet comes up to Rimmer. 

YC:   Sir, I know it's most awful bore but, err, would you mind just signing 
      this. 

He produces a book and pen. 

R:    What's that you little pipsqueak ? 

We now see that the book has a colour photo of Arnie on the front in full 
uniform. 

R:    My Incredible Career by Admiral A. J. Rimmer. 

YC:   I've read it eighteen times sir. 

Rimmer signs the book and hands it back to the cadet. 

R:    There you go laddo. 

YC:   Oh thank you sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy. 

Rimmer stops as behind the Field Marshall and another officer he sees his 
father. 

R:    Father. 

RF:   Son. 

R:    What are you doing here ? 

RF:   I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer chummies but... 

R:    Yes ? 

RF:   I just wanted to tell you. 

R:    Yes ? 

RF:   I just wanted to say. 

R:    Yes ? 

RF:   I just wanted to say (pause). You're a total smeghead! 

R:    (looking shocked) What ? This isn't my fantasy! (the Cat comes into 
      view) 

C:    No, it's mine (the cat steals Rimmers cigar and exits). 

The scene switches to outside where Lister and the Cat are playing golf. 
Lister is dressed normally but the Cat has full golfing costume on. Lister is 
not playing with much style and gives the ball a whack. 

L:    Yess, Hooooo. 

C:    Hey move over man. I want to plant my egg (puts the ball down) 

L:    It's called a ball. 

C:    Are you trying to tell me how to play this game ? You think cats never 
      played golf ? Ok. 

The cat takes a big swing, spins round three times and throws the golf club 
far into the distance. Lister dives for cover. The cat hops on one leg 
watching the flight of the club. We next see the pair pushing their golf bags 
up a hill and making car noises. 

L:    I'm really thirsty you know. 

C:    Yeah ? 

L:    Yeah. 

The guide comes into shot carrying a large drink with a firework in it. 

BTLG: Perhaps a banana bomb sir. 

L:    Thank you my man. 

The guide lights the rocket and it shoots up out of the glass. They laugh and 
carry on walking. They pass a large bed on which Marilyn Monroe is lying. 

MM:   Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo ? 

C:    How's about a bit of ooby dooby dont. 

They carry on and Marilyn throws a pillow at him. 

C:    What a pest! 

They have reached the green, a golf ball comes rolling onto it and rolls near 
to the hole. A golf club then comes flying onto the green as well, landing 
nearby. Lister and the Cat walk into view and so does Hollys monitor from the 
other side. 

H:    Alright ? What's happening dudes ? 

C:    We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I 
      have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish. 
      (he starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round.) It's 
      Miranda, my girlfriend. 

As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the bottom 
half a woman. 

H:    Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom. 

C:    No. That's a stupid way round (he sticks out his tongue briefly and 
      grins and waves). 

A heavily loaded, small, car drives into view down a country lane. We hear 
kids screaming and see Rimmer at the wheel. The car stops, it seems to be in 
trouble. Rimmer and a woman get out. They start arguing. We see there are 
several kids running around and the woman is pregnant again. 

L:    Rimmer! What happened to you. 

R:    Lister. Ah this a great game lister. I couldn't be happier. 

C:    Who are all those guys ? 

R:    It's Mc Gruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me marry her 
      and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss. 

L:    Where's your E type ? 

R:    It was too impractical. With all the kids and everything. 

L:    Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and a mortgage ? 

R:    (grabbing hold of Lister) Help! 

McG:  Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks ? 

Rimmer is now wearing very old clothes and drinking from a bottle wrapped in a 
paper bag. 

R:    My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me. 
      It just keeps fantasising horribleness. 

Rimmer slides down the wall. Suddenly an official looking man appears. 

OLM:  Mr Rimmer ? 

R:    (weakly) Yes. 

OLM:  Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer ? 

R:    Yes. 

OLM:  (smiles) Outland Revenue sir! 

R:    Oh my God! 

ORM:  This is a demand for immediate payment. 

R:    Eighteen thousand ? 

ORM:  If you are unable to pay sir I am instructed by the Revenue to break 
      both your legs and pull off your thumbs (twitches) sir. 

R:    What am I going to do ? I'm broke. 

L:    I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay (looks through pockets but can't find any 
      cash). Where's all my money gone ? 

R:    Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse. Help me. 

C:    Ah! don't move! A huge, black, furry, spider with big teeth just crawled 
      up your trouser leg. 

R:    I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most in the 
      whole world, a tarantula crawling up my trousers. 

L:    Rimmer, this is getting out of hand. 

R:    Do you think I don't know that. Ah! he's past my knee. He's into my 
      boxers. 

L:    Close your eyes and wish it away. 

R:    I can't! 

L:    Concentrate man. 

R:    I can't! 

A sudden change of scene via some form of reality shift. We pull back from a 
close up of Rimmer to find the crew buried in sand up to their necks. Even 
Holly is involved. 

C:    What's he done now ? 

R:    I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. 

L:    What's going on ? 

R:    Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive 
      by killer ants. 

C:    Why ? 

R:    Why not ? 

H:    Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you ? (the monitor image is 
      also covered in jam) 

L:    You've ruined this Rimmer. 

R:    We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault. 

All:  Aaaaaarrghhh!!!!! 

Suddenly we are back on Red Dwarf. Everyone removes the BTL helmets. 

L:    You're a total dinglebat aren't you ? 

R:    I'm sorry. 

C:    Yeah we were having a great time until you came along with your diseased 
      brain. 

L:    You're a bozo. 

Lister picks up another piece of mail and they all walk out. 

R:    I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me. 

C:    Hey, what's that ? 

L:    It's a letter and it's for Rimmer (lister opens it and reads). 'Dear Sir 
      due to a computer error you were wrongly informed that you had failed 
      the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with honours and you are 
      hereby promoted to navigation officer first class. We enclose your pips 
      and insignia.' Smegging hell! 

Lister and the Cat look disgusted and walk off. 

L:    Who said you was a loser eh ? Who said nice things never happen to you ? 

Rimmer does a big salute. The door to the cupboard then opens and the taxman 
comes out carrying a big hammer. 

ORM:  I did! 

L:    Oh no, we're still in the game! 

ORM:  You certainly are. Now what about my eighteen grand ? Come on, it's bone 
      crunching time me old china. Now where's those little thumbies ? 

He puts Rimmers hand down on the table and gives it a big thump with the 
hammer. The film freezes. Final caption in big letters: 


G A M E  

O V E R 



                                    Credits:
                                        
                              Rimmer: Chris Barrie
                             Lister: Craig Charles
                             Cat: Danny John-Jules
                              Holly: Norman Lovett
                                        
                                     with:
                                        
                           Rimmer's Dad: John Abineri
                           Marilyn Monroe: Debbie Ash
                            Rathbone: Jeremy Austin
                          The Captain: Nigel Carrivick
                             The Guide: Tony Hawks
                             McGruder: Judy Hawkins
                          The Newsreader: Tina Jenkins
                             The Taxman: Ron Pember
                            Gordon: Gordon Salkilld
                                        
                     Written By: Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
                             Music: Howard Goodall
                          Graphic Designer: Mark Allen
                           Unit Manager: Kelvin Jones
                          Associate Producer: Ann Zahl
                   OB Lighting: David Parker and Gordon White
                              OB Cameraman: Rocket
                      Technical Coordinator: Andrew Cowley
                        Camera Supervisor: Melvyn Cross
                           Vision Mixer: Jill Dornan
                            Prop Buyer: Mike Fallon
                      Visual Effects Designer: Peter Wragg
                          Videotape Editor: Ed Wooden
                Production Team: Helen Campbell and Kate Preston
                    Assistant Floor Manager: Dona DiStefano
                      Production Assistant: Anna Staniland
                         Production Manager: Mike Agnew
                         Costume Designer: Jackie Pinks
                         Make-Up Designer: Bethan Jones
                       Sound Supervisor: Tony Worthington
                        Lighting Director: John Pomfrey
                            Designer: Paul Montague
                        Executive Producer: Paul Jackson
                        Produced and Directed By: Ed Bye
                                        
Notes and Trivia: 

The ending seems rather reminiscent of that of a Young ones episode where Neil 
gets beaten up 'Oh no, this is the dream!'. 

Maybe Lister and Cat were too hard on Rimmer. He did get them out of Better 
Than Life and if you've read the books you know what that means. But then 
again he didn't did he ? When did they get out ? 

Kryten, rescued last episode, has disappeared. 

The Taruantula guest starred in a similar (though much funnier) gag in series 
V. 

Golf and fishing were to resurface in a later series where Lister and Cat play 
Junior Angler and Indoor golf! 

This episode, along with 'Kryten' and 'Thanks For The Memory' is on BBC Video 
BBCV 4749. 


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Martin Smith    | +44 71 728 7154       |  I was lined up for glory
                |                       |  But the tickets sold out in advance 
BT D&P London   | msmith@uk.co.bt.lssec |    - RUSH, The Big Wheel.
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