From: CLAWSON@LOYNOVM.BITNET (Dick Clawson, S.J.)
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.cinema-l
Subject: Re: review
Date: 14 Oct 92 18:27:02 GMT
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU

When I wrote the review of the prez debates, I didn't have any idea that
anyone cared what sort of spleen I had to spill over the prospects.  I
don't perform well under pressure, but I just call 'em as I see 'em.

Opening:   Sunset over the Peachtree Plaza, camera zooms in on solitary jogger,
its Al Gore.  The Senator is sweating profusely (the only time he sweats),
cheeks puffing as he suck air, his nylon running shorts rising to reveal brief
glimpses of a "draw Tipper" tattoo.  Jump cut to Hotel Suite, Dan Quayle,
looking pensive, or is he dreaming of greener...greens.  The camera pans across
room to a pile of notes on the credenza...zoom in and on every page is a simple
message.  "Bill Clinton can't tell the truth"  Movement in the periphery as
Dan starts his Tantrum Mantra, "Its my turn to speak...OOOM...Its my turn to
speak...OOOM"  Fade Out.  Fade in on derelict, MD 20/20 drinking, glue sniffin,
wash your car windshield/will work for food type.   Like a knight in shining
armor, Ross Perot swoops in and gives this statistic a fictitious name...Adm.
Stockdale.  A haircut, a haberdashery and a hearing aid later He is up on the
dias waiting to defend his "boss" posing as a prominent military figure who
is probably MIA in Viet Nam.  Unfortunately, he is up on the dias several hours
before the podiums are set up because his handlers told him that someone had
dropped a quarter on stage (which explains why he kept walking around when he
wasn't passing the buck).
     The A/C is turned on, the cables laid, the sound system checked.  No
secret service here, who cares about the V.P.?  The crowds mill and eventually
settle in their seats, playbills in hand.  The warm-up band, fronted by the
brother of Bill Clinton comes  out and plays "Lucy in  the Sky With Diamonds"
"Puff the Magic Dragon" and "(She Don't Like) Cocaine"
     The crowd is now rarin to go, they want to see all-star celebrity mud-
slinging.Except for womens pro-rasslin' this promises to be the fakest form
of entertainment available to the Georgians in Hot-lanta tonight. Gore, looking
stoic in his conservative grey suit (is that appropriate?  Maybe I should say
his not liberal, but more liberal than MOR, but more MOR than Conservative gray
suit), his Reeboks and Ninja Turtle Underoos(TM) (This is an important state-
ment on the environment) and from the expression on his face every time he
speaks, he may be wearing a truss which doesn't fit just right...)  V.P. Danny
looking youthful(?) and dapper in a more "fun" lighter gray suit adn two toned
shoes with spikes. (Is this for the debate or was Marilyn too busy writing
"Lust in Latvia" to pack for him...)  The good Admiral was wheeled out of his
nursing home in a very dark set of civvies. and spectacles that would make
Elton John proud.  (I'm sorry, but he really needs to go with the little half-
moon numbers.)
     The ABC playground moniter blows the whistle and throws out the big, red,
rubber ball.  It strikes Stockdale squarely in the forehead and he is out of
the action for the rest of the night, unfortunately security won't allow the
paramedics to go onstage during the debate in order to administer Oxygen, or
coherency to the Admiral. Young Daniel and Young Albert pretty much had the
playpen to themselves.  Danny started out by mooning Al and taunting him with
"Liar, Liar pants on Fire"  to which Gore cleverly reponded "AMNOTAMNOTAMNOT!!"
to which Danny replied, "ARETOOARETOOARETOO!!", Then the moderator almost
succeeded in waking the admiral long enough for a statement to be made.  The
admiral, obviously flashing back to his glory days simply stated his name, rank
and serial number.  Unfortunately he couldn't remeber them, actually he had
problems remembering the name of the branch of armed forces he led.  He kept
referring to it as a "civilization".  I don't know, but maybe the fact that
he was called admiral should have given him a hint.
      While the writers did an excellent jjob of supplying moving little
anecdotes for the two brats, they seemed to have forgotten a script for the
admiral,  thats all right, we still loved it when he turned off his hearing
aid.  I think it showed a certain, as the French say, "I don't know what"
Stockdale was so confident of his positions that he didn't NEED to hear what
the others were saying...A very Perotian tactic, and perhaps symbolic to
America that we (the people) don't need to pay no nevermind to the ravings of
political lunatics.  OR it displayed a certain, as I say, "I know what", called
senility.
     I Missed the screenwriter credits, but with Danny boys streams of "now
lets, now lets, now lets, now lets"  and Big Al's "No you, no you, no you"
I suspect thew dialogue was by Pinter.

THE ISSUES:
     Environment:
         GORE:  "Bush/Quayle sucked on this issue.  It has the highest
                 priority on our agenda, and we want to help the middle
                 class."
       QUAYLE:  "We were leaders in that.  Bill Clinton cannot tell the
                 truth.  It will cost billions and you'll have to tax
                 everyone."
     STOCKDALE: "Who gives a F**K, what's a tree compared to 4 trillion
                 dollars?"

      The Econonmy:
           GORE: "Bush/Quayle sucked on this issue.  It has the highest
                  priority on our agenda, and we want to help the middle
                  class."
         QUAYLE: "We were leaders in that. Bill Clinton cannot tell the
                  truth.  It will cost billions and you'll have to tax everyone
       STOCKDALE:"Who gives a F**K about the middle class when you've got a 4
                  trillion dollar debt."

      Abortion:
          GORE:  "Bush/Quayle have sucked on this issue.  It has the highest
                  priority on our agenda, and we want to help the middle class.
        QUAYLE:  "We were leaders in that. Bill Clinton cannot tell the truth.
                  It will cost billions and you'll have to tax everyone."
      STOCKDALE: "Huh?"

And the awards....

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A HEAD OF STATE IN GIVING SYCHOPHANTIC ADORATION TO A
MODERATOR:
             Dan Quayle, who profusely thanked the moderator every time
he was allowed to speak, and when the moderator would cut off Gore.

BEST USE OF REPEATED PHRASE:
             Danno again.  His Clinton/Liar line had that same soothing quality
as the Prez's "Tax and Spend".

LEAST ENTHUSIASTIC PERFORMANCE BY A MAN AT A JOB INTERVIEW:
             Al "tree-hugger" Gore.  He, like his chubby buddy Slick Willie
delivered his lines with an emotionless precision that even the story about
the family of little Mitch that he dredged up to support family leave was
read with the same fervor as the ingredients of a can of soup.

BEST CAMEO BY A FEATURED PERFORMER:
             Admiral Stockdale (does he have a first name?)  Especially
moving was his plaintive cry that he felt like he was at a ping-pong
match.  A special Oscar for remaining unsoiled while the crap was flying.
(perhaps that is why he walked away from the podium when he wasn't speaking)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A CHILD ACTOR:
              A tie between MacCauly Culkin and Fred Savage, I mean Danny
and Albo.  These two should be spanked for behaving so badly in public.
Since the "Young and Goodlooking" was someone's warped idea of what women
looked for in a candidate, they should then stick to the adage that children
should be seen and not heard.

THE BEST PICTURE:
             Believe it or not, Dan Quayle.  I know, there are those who
would be outraged.  Its like Silence of the Lambs sweeping all the major
awards, but hear me out!  This was not the "potatoe-head" Dan we all know
and love to poke fun at.  He was gaffe-free, he quoted all of the major
Eurpean leaders and their titles correctly.  He had some good ammo, used
it well and even managed to save face when Gore made the term-limiting
crack  (2 points to Gore if he thought it up on the spot)
              Gore deserves a definate nod.  He presented himself very
well.  I heard some say very "presidential".  I heard the same thing said
about Bush, and since Gore was a clone of Clinton last night, and Quayle
had all of the stutters and hand-gestures of Bush, wouldn't it make more sense
to say that Quayle appeared more presidential?

Sorry is this doesn't meet previous standards, I honestly hadn't planned to
review this debate, figuring that it would be patently funny ehough in its
own right to not need my insights (wry or otherwise)  but as my public
demands me, I must serve.  If I can get a Cinema-ler from each state to
e-mail me, I'll stop writing these things...

Keep the faith for '96,
RDC,SJ
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU