From: dmm@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (donald)
Subject: Re: attentive dependence
Organization: The Institute for the Learning Sciences
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 20:44:47 GMT

Ray Fink (rkf@wildrose.infoserv.com) wrote:
: Bathsheba.Grossman@bbs.oit.unc.edu (Bathsheba Grossman) writes:
: >>own; on the hypothesis that women who do "have a life" and can be
: >>intensely interested in other things *might* be 
: >>(1) less likely to be dependent on my constant attention 
: >>(2) more understanding of my own intensity, when it's focused elsewhere
: >>(3) a helluva great ride when we're intensely focused on each other 
: >
: >Good call.  If her life doesn't make sense without you, it's not
: >likely to with, vice versa mutatis mutandis.  I think this must be
: >very annoying for men, that so many women are other-directed.
: >Though on the other hand, with such a woman you'll always come second.
: 
: Yes, and they always appreciate that  ;-)
: 
: I'm not willing to give up the things that are important to me (like
: time with my kids, for example, or some recreational interests) in order 
: to make a SO my first priority.  An important and equal priority, but
: not first; if I have to choose, I choose me first and time with my
: kids.  And I expect the same from anybody else.
: -- Ray
: 
First off, thanks for the comments/advise (esp. Stef and Ray.)
Secondly, I've met a few people that have lives of their own that, but
unfortunately -as in Bathsheba's case- they usually aren't available.
(Let me know if you move to Atlanta soon Bath.  I have a good friend
their that fits the bill for you, but is unavailable to me due to her
sexual preference. :-(
And finally, having met a wonderful person that not only has a life of
her own but a verve for living it too I'm tossed on the horns of a
delima.  The story goes like this...

One cold winter Saar and Moselle met at a party and had a wonderful
time making music and sinking into deep conversation with each other
in a secluded corner.  Now they didn't see each other for a long while
after that until one sunny day their paths crossed again at a
gathering in the park.  There was a spark between them that day that
kept their conversation glowing with dreams of the future and challenges
of the past.  It would seem that all was well for this happy pair, but
a specter shadowed Saar's past and a problem lurked in their future.

You see, Saar's first lover had been an insensative rogue and under
the blinding disguise of love had wielded the club of coersion in
painful ways.  This had left Saar infected with a burning coal of
bitter anger and led to retribution against an ensuing lover.  Now
Saar was remorseful for having acted so unfairly and frightened of the
potential of doing the same again.

Moselle was empathetically stired by all this and realized that
inspite of other urges there could be no rushing along of this
heartfelt joining.  So Saar and Moselle proceeded to see each other at
the slow comfortable pace of a summer's stroll oblivious to what
lurked ahead.  They enjoyed each other's company and meeting each
other's friends and talking of each other's future plans.  And this,
dear read, is where the nasty lurker reared its vile head.  For both
of our fair characters did indeed have lives of their own.  The one
headed for the promise of the west and the change it offered and the
other aiming for eastern roots and the comforts of a nurturing community.
Will this lurking rush of movement drive a wedge twixt these two and
split them in twain or will one cast out a line to entwine the other
so that the currents carry them both who knows where?

Ah, tis such a prickly place astride the horns of delima.  Suspended
between the goring of opportunity lost and the impaling by love with
an all too uncertain future.

donald