Newsgroups: bit.listserv.words-l
Date:         Mon, 16 Nov 1992 01:38:39 EST
From:         "Tony @ Brownvm" <EL406045@BROWNVM.BROWN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: How to deliver a specimen
Comments: To: words-l@uga.cc.uga.edu

Posted on 13 Nov 1992 at 21:55:18 by gilbertsmith

>                                                  She made
>me go in the bathroom and left me there with two little
>glass tubes with stoppers and a plastic eye-dropper thing
>and a plastic tumbler with temperature marks on it.  I
>was thinking "This woman is going to *watch* me <void> in
>this cup to be sure that I was telling the truth when I said
>I don't do drugs....."  Which fear made little Sinclair run
>for cover and disappear in the further reaches of his owner's
>most secret places and was almost impossible to find.

There is a theory to which I am not at all unsympathetic, that
the medical profession in general is, shall we say, less understand-
ing of the needs and wishes of women than those of men.  The strong
version of this theory further states that gynecologists were
put on this Earth for the sole purpose of trying, humiliating,
and otherwise inflicting physical and emotional pain on those of
the female persuasion.

There is, however, a procedure for men only which seems designed
to restore an element of balance to things: the Sperm Motility Test.

The doctor assures me that the procedure is quick and simple: just
go to the lab and leave them a sample, and she'll have the results
the next day.  She even gives me a little information sheet from the
lab, which also points out how quick and simple the procedure is
and advertises their "private collection rooms".  Turns out not just
any old lab (the sort that takes blood and urine samples) will do.
Those places aren't really labs at all - just collection stations
from where the samples are sent to a central site for analysis.
Sperm samples, however, must be analysed within two hours, so
I must go to a place with microscopes, technicians, and so forth.

It is a bitterly cold February day.  I arrive at the desk after an
unexpectedly long walk and I am *cold*.  Two amazons sit behind
the counter.  "YES?", says one.  I fumble for the test form from the
doctor.  "Are you here for a blood test ?", she says.  The waiting
room is filled with women, except for two burley truck-driver types.
I pass the form across the desk, and the amazons exchange knowing glances.
"Please have a seat", she says.  I sit down, grateful that she
hasn't announced my needs to the room at large.  A few moments later
a third woman appears and calls my name: "MR. HARMININK ?".  I stand
up.  "YOU'RE HERE FOR THE SPERM TEST ?" she bellows, waving a little
plastic bottle.  All eyes are on me.  "PLEASE FOLLOW ME", she says, and I
follow her around the corner.  "You can use this room", she says
quietly now, and points me at a door.  I enter and as I close the
door she says "Please don't take too long - we're busy today."

The room contains a toilet, a washbasin, and a paper towel dispenser.
There is nowhere to hang my coat.  I leave the coat on because I
am still cold.  All parts of me are still cold.  I try to think
appropriate thoughts and get on with the job <at hand>.  I am
close to success when someone turns the door handle.  It is locked,
but nonetheless success retreats for a while as I picture burley
impatient truckers on the other side.  Eventually I finish the
deed, put the lid on the bottle, and wash up.  There is no
garbage can. Holding wet paper towels in my hands, I lift the
lid on the toilet.  The last contributor has had the same problem
and has solved it by stuffing the bowl with the unflushable towels.

I retreat to the front desk clutching my bottle of <spilled seed>
and a handful of soggy towels.  I explain the toilet problem, and
amazon #2 gives me a disbelieving "men - they're all alike" look.
Several new faces are in the waiting room, but they are quickly
enlightened when amazon #1 shouts to a technician "ARE YOU FREE
DO DO A SPERM ANALYSIS ON MR. HORMING'S SAMPLE ?".

One of the trucker types is led past me and I think about giving
him a wink or a thumbs up.  Fortunately I resist, and then hear
that he has come for a blood test of some sort.  I make my way
home and there discover the misplaced second instruction sheet
which tells me that collection at home is perfectly acceptable
as long as the sample is kept near body temperature and taken
to the lab promptly.

Results come in in two days.  I am elated - it is like passing
a Mensa test.  I am "slightly above average" - though they
probably tell that to all the guys.  I ponder a men's edition
of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_.

Tony H.