From: bhchan@soda.berkeley.edu (Billy H. Chan)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: expectations and idealism
Date: 29 Dec 92 01:41:34 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley, CS Undergraduate Association
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.berkeley.edu

In article <22DEC199209121423@iago.caltech.edu> lanny@iago.caltech.edu (Hsieh, Lai Lanny) writes:
>
>advice needed:
>
>if any of you are still following through this long and boring story,
>you really amazed me...
[Still here :)... however, a confession: I haven't read anyone elses'
reply yet, so if I repeat what someone else will/have say/said, sorry,
guess you can take it as "additional reenforcement"]
[guess it's easier to get advices from a newsgroup than from friends...
 oh, never mind, i'll e-mail it :( ]
	>i just wanted to know if it's really my problem?...
Yes and no.  Yes, it's your problem and in orde to get anywhere,
I think you will have to o something about it (more on this 'it' later)
No, it's not your problem because a RELATIONSHIP is a two-way thang.
One person cannot hold up a relationship, trust me (normally, it wouldn't
even begin, and even if it does, it wouldn't last too long, and then, 
most probably, the person would give up and find another girl (err...and/or
boy, depending)), so this is not just your problem, it's a problem you and
your boyfriend will have to solve TOGETHER.  
	>am i expecting too much from him?...
No, I think romance is basically what one expects from a relationship,
else you'd just be friends, right?  I mean, what's a boyfriend/girlfriend
without romance, right?  However, you might want to ask how much romance
you would like from your boyfriend, and see if your boyfriend is willing
to give you that much.  Perhaps he's just the shy type who isn't really
sure what exactly to do.  In fact, tell him to read this newsgroup for
some pointers! :)  I've seen many threads on "the best gift" or "a romantic
evening" etc.etc.etc that might be good "templates" to start off with.
Of course, following one of these "to the letter" will be quite boring 
since it wouldn't be "him", but some poster in some newsgroup.  
	>am i deluding myself (as he so puts it)?...
What is this delusion you're referring to?  Oh wait, I think I see.
If you're questioning the existance of the relationship, that, I don't
think, we can truly answer for you, since everyone and every "case" is
different.  Generally, however, you have gone out LDR for 6 months now,
so if not anything, I'd say something must be "budding" by now.
	>is it good to be as practical as he is?...
Do you want to be the practical kind or the idealistic kind?
I for one enjoy being the dreamer everynow and then (actually,
most of the time) but you see, it's a personal decision.  I'm sure
it might be nice to be practical sometime and hey, everyone has his/her
defenses, right?  I want to tell you to keep your defenses high until
you're sure, but hey, that would be hypocritical of me, since I find it
easy to drop my defenses.  However, if you do, it'll hurt.  Are you willing
to take the pain?  if so, don't be practical, since "no pain, no gain", 
right? :)

>it really hurt to hear him say this stuff, cuz it makes me feel
>foolish and stupid that i had assumed more about what we have 
>than he apparently thinks so...
No, you're not foolish and stupid, but remember, don't assume cause
it makes an "ass" out of "U" and "me". :)  (not that it makes any
sense in this context... in fact, I doubt I'm making anysense at all.)

	>i think i'm a very reasonable person,
You are.  Maybe too reasonable.  Time to be a little more selfish, right?
(errr... try two: There are times to be a little more selfish, right?)

	>and i never demanded anything from him during all this time..
perhaps you should.

>i didn't want him to do things because i wanted him to do it...i wanted
>him to do it because he thought of it...
>why is this so hard?...
Because he's not thinking? or maybe he doesn't really know what to think.
I know how it is, I mean, the only thing I can think of spontaneously is
"oh, lets go see a movie this Friday" (when it's Monday, :(  )  before...
it takes experience, help, and some imagining... things which might be
tough to get alone, so you'll just have to help him on this.
However, keep in mind thata romance must be developed, not learned.  If
you love him, and think he is worth the effort, be patient with him, and
guide him.  (esp, if he's as clueless as you say he is)
If, perhaps he's trying to "get away", then the only think to do is to
realize that you gave it a try, and that it just didn't work out as well
as you hoped, and forget it, and go on.

>and meanwhile, he thinks that this whole argument is "petty", and
>that i'm just getting hung up on pettiness...well, it means a whole
>lot to me...
Can I yell at him?  "Petty"?  Sheesh, either he's clueless or cruel.
From what I gather, he's just clueless, so I'll forgive him.  
However, if he does think that it's petty, ask him if he thinks that
a relationship at this time is "petty".  if he does, then you _are_
expecting too much out of him, since he is pretty much unwilling
to give this relationship the time it needs.  Remember, you shouldn't
try to keep a relationship soley(sp?) on your own shoulder, it's a two
person thing.  if you try too hard, you'll just buckle under the strain.
(the proverbial straw on the camel's back...)

>
>well...any comments to this story is definitely appreciated...i'd
>like to know if i'm going nuts...thanks in advace...sorry for
>the lengthiness of the post...

You're going nuts, L.   :)   j/k
No, you're not nuts, just "in love".  :)
Like a friend of a friend usually says in his .sig,
	"and don't forget the human touch."
practicality in this is second best.  you're dealing with emotions,
not an algebra/construction/double"e"/etc.etc.etc problem.


-- 
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*	Billy H. Chan		<bhchan@ocf.berkeley.edu> 	*
*	Lost at Cal!!!   	<bhchan@soda.berkeley.edu>	*
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Newsgroups: alt.romance