From: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com (Walter Moore)
Subject: Re: confusion... what is fair?
Reply-To: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com
Organization: Amoco
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 16:47:49 GMT

In article Mxv@mentor.cc.purdue.edu, mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine) writes:
>well. wow. I am so confused that I can barely think straight...
>I talked to my xSO, who I posted about saying those things to me...
>actually, we talked via computer because I am afraid to see him.  I
>have a tendancy to react violently when angry... but I talked to him
>because the violence was comsuming me and  I *HAD* to know what he
>really meant.
>
>for so long, he was the most sensitive person I knew.  When I would
>have a flashback when we were in bed, he would as ME to hold HIM
>(Mainly because I would pull away from him because I felt like I was
>drity and wrong and didn't want to contaminate him. we talked about it
>and he said he needed me then too, to know that I wasn't blaming him)
>
>he said he didn't mean it the way it sounded and that he doesn't know
>why he said it. until he does, I don't want to see him at all. we were
>both angry and he had been drinking. I don't know what to think or
>what to do. he doesn't want me back, but I feel I have to get this
>resolved because I don't want to be in this situation again.
>
>Was I remaking him to fit what I expected? Abuse and coldness? or was
>he fitting my expectation because it is hard to do anything else. I
>know I have a strong, overpowering at times, personality. And yet, a
>low self-esteem.
>
>I love him, but that isn't enough. And, he has his own issues to deal
>with. I think I portrayed him in a horrible light, when he is human
>and even tho he didn't suffer sexual abuse, his family tended to have
>very little communication.
>he did try... and he lasted longer than any of my previous lovers...
>
>I don't know. I am confused about what I can do. THe violence is gone
>for now, but I am still angry. I keep trying to think if there is
>anything he could do... and I can't find it...
>
>he says it is so hard to watch me suffering and hurting that even tho
>he cares, he can only sit idly by... I can understand that. to enter
>the nightmares is hard for my therapist... I don't think I could watch
>him go thru it... and yet, it is harder for me...
>
>he doesn't want to get back together. and I don't either. but I am
>also angry because I keep thinking, I might be a normal person who
>could love without all this bullshit if my abusers hadn't abused me.
>
>I go to counseling more to prevent me from ever doing this to someone
>else than to save myself. we hear a lot, or at least I do, about how
>a sexual abuse victim will never be totally healed.  that depresses
>me.
>
>how do you get past the games and trials that you were taught as a
>child...
>
>I was asked to imagine how my life would be different if this hadn't
>happened. I don't even know how. it started before my memories
>started... how can I suppose that? and if I did, I would probably
>become so violent that I couldn't control it... (I am working on
>controlling the violence and finding positive outlets for my anger.)
>
>when I get angry and violent, I call a friend. for a long time, I
>directed the punishments at myself. I would eat to get fat... I would
>claw at my legs... now, I scream and talk to someone who will listen.
>it tends to calm me down away from the violent side.
>
>I seem to be posting a lot lately, and i hope these aren't hurting
>anyone... I don't know what to do about my xSO, about my life, about
>my anger....
>
>but, ithink I will go work out at the corec on campus. physical
>exhersion tends to get some of the anger out....
>
>thanks to all of you for listening....
>-brandywine
>
>



---
TTYL & TANSTAAFL ---------------- Walter Moore 
      Internet: zwbm07@hou.amoco.com

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery