From: learnd@lafcol.lafayette.edu (Dave Learn)
Newsgroups: alt.prose
Subject: My Dinner With Herm
Keywords: story, short
Date: 17 Aug 92 17:32:21 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Lehigh University


     "You see, Dave," said Dean Kissiah, "We decided back in the                
late sixties that the Greek system at Lafayette should be                       
abolished.  The fraternities on campus encouraged all sorts of                  
reckless behavior from excessive drinking to stripping.  The                    
administration had to intervene.  If we hadn't done something, we               
would have found ourselves coping with student deaths brought on by             
their carelessness when they were drunk.  The lawsuits would have               
cost the college thousands, maybe even millions, of dollars.  With              
that sort of reputation, you know our enrollment would drop                     
dramatically.  We were looking at the end of Lafayette if we didn't             
act."                                                                           
     I nodded silently as I swallowed a mouthful of milk.  "Sure,               
I understand," I said.  "How did the actual procedure begin?"                   
     Kissiah speared a shrimp with his fork and swallowed it whole.             
"It started in 1970, when Lafayette turned co-educational.  The                 
administration hoped that by admitting women members, the                       
percentage of males at the school would drop sufficiently to                    
eliminate a few fraternities.  With progressively smaller pledge                
classes, a few fraternities might shrink enough they would lose                 
their charters."                                                                
     "Well, that is what happened," I pointed out.                              
     "Yes, with a few off-campus houses like Pi Lambda Phi.  While              
their dissolution improved the college's relationship with College              
Hill residents, it did little to solve our more pressing problem."              
     "Greeks and their behavior."                                               
     "Exactly."  Kissiah paused over his meal, and pressed his                  
hands together just below his chin.  His eyes misted over and                   
stared out . . . where?  Into the past he had built, or into the                
future he saw only in his visions?  He inclined his head and                    
continued eating.  "Originally, co-education was not going to be                
1:1, like it is now.  That was a concession to alumni so that they              
would never suspect that we were undermining their fraternities."               
     I let out a low whistle of appreciation.  "Subtle.  You think              
of everything, don't you?"                                                      
     He raised his eyes to stare at me.  "In my business, you have              
to.  It doesn't pay to be only one step ahead of the opposition.                
A plan must counter every possible course of action the enemy might             
take."  The enemy?  Is that he viewed us?  It certainly explained               
a lot.                                                                          
     "So the administration pushed for a more equal ratio of men to             
women once the original goal was reached?" I asked.                             
     "Of course.  It had never been our intention to settle for                 
three men to every woman, but we had to make concessions to the                 
alumni so that they would never suspect."                                       
     I helped myself to a piece of cake and cut off a piece with                
the edge of my fork.  "Of course, opening the doors for more women              
to come to Lafayette made it possible for sororities to colonize at             
Lafayette."  Touch , you cunning devil.  Something you hadn't                   
thought of.                                                                     
      He cut off a piece of apple pie and took a bite.  He held the             
piece in his mouth for a long moment as he savored its sweetness.               
"Yes, brilliant maneuver of ours, wasn't it?"                                   
     I nearly choked on my cake.  "What?"                                       
     "Oh, come now.  Surely you don't think we didn't expect that?              
Expect it, why we were counting on it!"                                         
     I laid my fork down.  "What do you mean you were counting on               
it?"                                                                            
     "The addition of sororities at Lafayette has worked miracles               
for our plan to rid Lafayette of the Greek disease."                            
     I was dumbfounded.  "How?"                                                 
     Kissiah grinned maliciously.  "Each year, over two hundred                 
women go through women's rush.  When they do, they learn it's a                 
superficial, empty institution which doesn't care at all about who              
they are, but only what they look like.  Many women are frustrated              
with the sorority system, and many men are, too--women's rush                   
conveniently disrupts the normal flow of the campus each year, like             
clockwork."                                                                     
     Whoa.  Was there anything he had failed to plan for?                       
     Kissiah dug into his pie with building relish.  "George                    
Panichas, as I'm sure you're aware, has been quite outspoken about              
the Greek system."                                                              
     I nodded meekly, till trying to come to grips with the                     
versatility of the plan.  Kissiah looked up at my silence and                   
grinned at his small triumph.  "George was something of a threat to             
us at first.  His own desire to destroy the Greek system became a               
source of contention for students, and they began to rally                      
together.  For a few weeks, it looked like our scheme might be in               
danger."                                                                        
     "I assume you found a way to pervert even that for the success             
of your plan."                                                                  
     Again that annoyingly empty smile.  I was beginning to hate it             
with a wild passion.  "Of course.  In fact, it became a positive                
boon to Lafayette 2000."                                                        
     "How so?" I asked.                                                         
     "When students challenged Professor Panichas for a reason for              
his dislike of the Greek system, they called his bluff.  Rather                 
than admitting he simply did not care for the Greek system, George              
charged that it was sexist."                                                    
     "Right--because membership of each house is determined by the              
sex of the rushee before any other qualification."                              
     "Exactly.  So suddenly, instead of discussing whether to                   
abolish the Greek system, the faculty debated what to do to change              
its sexist nature.  They decided to start four new co-ed                        
fraternities at Lafayette.  Think about it.  Four new houses.                   
That's enough to ruin rush for everyone on campus.  I expect a                  
number of fraternities will go under immediately, and possibly a                
sorority as well.  And of course, the co-ed groups won't fare well              
enough on their own--they'll serve their purpose to spread the                  
Greeks thinner and die after exhausting their usefulness.                       
     "George's anti-Greek statements had other benefits, too.                   
`Free thinking' newspaper columnists such as yourself, Dave Block,              
Sam Clover, and Paul Galvin all began to attack the Greek system in             
various ways, and showed the less desirable side of it to the whole             
campus."                                                                        
     Oh no.  I couldn't believe my ears.                                        
     "Columnists like you, Dave," said Kissiah, "are exactly what               
we needed.  You showed us that we had made inroads into the student             
body.  You showed us that our years of labor were beginning to come             
to fruition.  Imagine!  You were serving our goals by persuading                
other students not to join a fraternity."                                       
     I pounded on the table angrily.  "You'll never succeed.  The               
Greeks realize they're being hemmed in."                                        
     Kissiah shrugged his shoulders.  "So?  They can't prove a                  
thing, and most of them don't even suspect.  Those who do generally             
suspect us because of what someone else has told them, and will                 
change their minds once they consider the evidence realistically.               
The few who are genuinely secure in their convictions are like                  
rabid dogs, and their own wild protestations make them look like                
fools to the campus and the alumni.                                             
     "In fact, together with you and George Panichas, these                     
persecuted Greeks do us another service."                                       
     "Another one?" I asked.  My voice wavered weakly.                          
     "Another one.  They draw everyone's attention away from the                
administration--the real anti-Greeks--and pin it to a few pitiful               
wretches like yourself who point out the system's deficiencies."                
He stretched.  "Ah, it's awfully amusing that they turn on the very             
people who try to help them."                                                   
     "You mentioned Lafayette 2000 earlier," I said.  "The plan                 
actually exists on paper?"                                                      
     "Oh yes.  Every step is carefully outlined.  Here, I'll show               
you what we intend to do."  He got up from the table and walked                 
over to another table where he had spread a map of the campus.  "By             
the end of the decade, we want to eliminate living groups entirely-             
-not just the Greek ones.  That's why the Black Cultural Center had             
to be leveled to make way for the Farinon College Center, it's also             
why we fund McKelvy House so poorly.  It's our ambition to rid the              
college of these groups completely."                                            
     Every living group?  Would this madman stop at nothing?  "I                
suppose Kirby House's decision to admit women had no impact on                  
Lafayette 2000?"                                                                
     "None at all," Kissiah said triumphantly.  "As you can                     
imagine, it's been a huge help to us.  Since you people can't fill              
the entire building with members, Kirby House creates a major                   
inconvenience for Dean Krivoski when he works out student housing.              
Your decision to co-ed has changed your focus on rush.  You're                  
recruiting men and women now, so you won't get as many male members             
as Jim wants you to have in order to keep the house.  Kirby should              
be an ordinary residence hall within a few years."                              
     "Well, we are petitioning to make the building co-ed."                     
     Kissiah laughed, and I hated the sound at once.  "You don't                
seriously think we're going to let that happen, do you?"                        
     I leaned against the wall as my legs threatened to go out from             
under me.  There was no way to win.  Kissiah and his band of                    
administrators had planned the entire thing.  The student body                  
would fight the administration with might and main, and all the                 
while we would fall straight into their hands.                                  
     "Here," he said, pointing to the map.  "This is Kirby House.               
We're going to convert it into a residence hall.  Same with the                 
motels."  Now he pointed to the fraternities by the health center.              
"We plan to buy the fraternity houses as their charters are revoked             
and transform them into residence halls, too.  Like we did to DTD.              
Of course, we may just level them like DU, and set the space aside              
for student parking--another way to improve relations with Easton."             
     "How . . ." I fumbled for the right words to say.  "How do you             
plan to remove the remaining Greek houses?"                                     
     Kissiah gazed at me.  "That's easy.  Flex-dollars."                        
     Flex-dollars.  Of course!  The flex-dollar meal plan was                   
already destroying several student-run meal plans.                              
     Kissiah continued.  "At first, we had to give in to student                
demands for a lower flex-dollar fee, and so we set it at $250.                  
It's an old strategy--compromise so you can ultimately work toward              
the desired end.  We'll raise flex-dollars next year, and again the             
year after that.  Each year, there are fewer students who remember              
Lafayette when there were no flex-dollars at all.  In a few years,              
we'll mandate a full college meal plan, and that will destroy the               
last of the student-run meals.  And without the time spent together             
at meals, it's only a matter of time before the fraternities go                 
under."                                                                         
     The plan was perfect, too perfect.  Nothing could stop Kissiah             
and his comrades.  Not even Rotberg, who was nothing more than a                
figurehead to begin with--to conceal where the true power of the                
college was--in this short, balding man before me.                              
     I shuffled to the door in defeat.                                          
     "Dave."  It was Kissiah calling me.                                        
     "What?"                                                                    
     "Did you enjoy dinner?"                                                    
     "Uh, yeah.  Thanks.  Uh . . . what was that meat we had?  It               
tasted kind of strange."                                                        
     Again that evil smirk, that empty laugh.  Two words came from              
Kissiah's mouth, and with those two words, I knew the fate of                   
Lafayette was sealed.  Two words destroyed my college world.  And               
the two words were "Roast Leopard."                                             


Dave Learn, Knight of the Wolves         "What an extraordinary thing to
dl20@lafayacs.bitnet                      do--and you only a stutterer."