From: fullerto@tuna.cis.ohio-state.edu (timothy dwight fullerton)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: Forest for the trees
Date: 1 Oct 92 05:57:55 GMT
Organization: The Ohio State University Dept. of Computer and Info. Science


>
>In a previous article, maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story) says:
>
>>I do not expect, realistically, to find the solution to my alcohol problem by
>>reading this newsgroup.  To be honest, I have no idea where the solution lies.
>>Should I trust AA?  RR?  Should I believe in a HP?  Should I follow the 12 
>>steps?  Should I believe in God?  ..............
>


	At risk of offending many who may be sensitive to the issue, the 
development of faith in a higher power (OK, God) and perceived conscious 
contact with it is THE single most influential thing which enabled me to 
become clean. Without that, I cannot see how any other part of the 
program could have had any long term success. All of the steps 
themselves seem only to enhance that perceived conscious contact.


	The odd part is that I still have some agnostic leanings. I can't know 
with absolute certainty that there is a God. That doesn't matter. What matters 
is that I pretended (largely so that I could eventually be dismissed from the 
treatment center), that that act of pretending and prayer in that social circle
allowed me to form a model of a God that I could accept intellectually (a 
pantheist model at first)and that that worked where all else failed. It really 
doesn't matter if it is a placebo. It is a good one.

	People have expressed fear of being enslaved by this just as they are by 
alcohol. I have not had to feel at all restrained in quite some time. I don't 
HAVE to do ANYTHING that I don't want to do, or believe anything I don't want to 
believe. I am absolutely free. 

	Along this thread, someone mentioned an anti-intellectual leaning of 
AA. Unfortunately, I deleted the message,but let me address that anyway.
First, let me say that all of the problems that I have had with AA, or things 
that I have judged as "official AA slogans" or "official AA opinions" are not 
that at all. Those slogans and cliquish opinions were made up and passed along 
by PEOPLE usually to address a newcomer. Many I perceive to be lies that can be
outgrown.


	Let me talk about my experience with the "Anti-Intellectual" stuff. Being 
young, I have spent my entire life in school and in other intellectually 
competitive work environments. Therefore, I developed intellectual 
competitiveness to thrive in these environments. Unfortunately, I am afraid that 
I have destroyed my intellect with acid, alcohol, whippets, etc...and that 
insecurity distorted that competitiveness into a desperate struggle to feel 
adequate. In short, I had to feel smarter than anyone else I knew, and I stomped 
on people to feel better about myself--especially in places where that was not 
appropriate, like meetings.

	Now... I have enough acquaintance with other members to know that many 
can relate, that this is a common symptom of our defects of character, and that
it is one of those behaviors that is discouraged. If you have clashed with 
some form of anti intellectualism in AA, consider that it might be a reaction 
to your stomping on someone's feelings.

	I have found that the belief that smart people are more susceptible to 
denial (because they can make up better lies to themselves faster) is crap.
At the same time, I, like many others who have written here, was deeply 
offended by the religion that I perceived in the program when I first came in.
I thought that religion was for stupid people who just didn't know any better.
I was raised Episcopal, and the basic message that I received was that 
if I did not believe that Jesus was the only physical manifestation of 
God that has ever touched the planet, upon my death I would suffer 
excruciating agony beyond the limits of my wildest imagination
for ever. Shortly after I stopped believing in Santa Claus, it occurred 
to me that this God was a dick, that I didn't want to love it, and that 
I couldn't believe it anyway.


	Anyway, my advise is to not let those limitations on your 
perception of reality that ARE placed by your intellect prevent you from
considering a rudimentary higher power. Like I said, I had to start with 
an agnostic pantheist model; that is, the universe could be three 
dimensions of God's body. Who am I to say it is not.

	Some have expressed offense that the mere English word "God" 
implies an anthropomorphic model... by the power vested in me by step 2,
I grant you permission to reject any preset HP name or implication!

	Best wishes all.

		Tim


P.S. I haven't been to a meeting in a while... How do devout AAers feel about
	Al Franken's portrayal as Stuart Smalley? I think he's pretty 
	hilarious. :-)
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