From: ftlao@acad3.alaska.edu (OSSANDER LINDA A)
Subject: Re: Advice from my father
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41.UAC
Organization: University of Alaska - Fairbanks
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 01:32:00 GMT

In article <1h0cerINNphe@agate.berkeley.edu>, rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport) writes...
>In article <1992Dec8.180217.9489@news.stolaf.edu> cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson) writes:
> 
>->Last Feb i wrote my parents a letter telling them everything. They
>->immeadiatly accused me of lying.  Once they did finally believe me they
>->asked me to never tell anyone, and to keep this as quiet as possible.  They
>->were afraid that people would think i was trying to "show off" by telling
>->them how much pain i had made it through (or am making it through).
>->Personally i think that my father was ashamed that i had remained with this
>->man after he had hurt me the first time.  He once told me that he couldn't
>->understand why i would go back to someone who had hurt me so much.  
>[...]
>->I was wondering what people out there thought about being public as a
>->survivor.  I was also wondering: for those of you who are survivors, if
>->you've told your parents, how did THEY react?  I'm just curious.  Feel free
>->to respond either publically
>     _personally_ can't think of a lot of things which are worse than rape in
>About parents:  
>    I know of at least one case, that of one of my loved ones, where the
>    victim came out to her parents.  In this case, her mother pretty much
>    just told her it was her fault for tempting the man (she had her shirt
>    off at the time), and that she should snap out of her depression.  I've
>    seen what it did to her ... I think she was strong enough to pretty much
>    cope with "it was all your fault" from strangers ... but to get it from
>    her _mother_ was quite a bit worse.  
>    I've seen her change.  It's a nice change.  I've seen her go from "she's
>    my mother, she loves me, she must be right," which was how she was when
>    we met, to "Mom, as long as you keep believing I was asking for it, I
>    can't talk with you" more recently.  I've seen her become more assertive
>    that it _wasn't_ her fault.  At the same time, I've seen her become more
>    open and out about her rape.  There may be a connection there.  I'm not
>    saying there is.  I don't know enough to say that.
> 
>-roy


Hello I am a survivor of both rape and incest and I went public a few years ago
after much help and therapy.  It was very hard at first but I think it has
helped me heal.  The hard part of it was the shame and guilt I felt at first
almost like being a victuim all over again.  But I have gotten past that and
understand that is part of the victuims role.  It is usually what keeps the
person quiet.  I have spoken in front of groups and talked to people privately. 
I think until people speak up and tell what harm these things do it will be
like others who keep their secrets in the closet.  

I think Roy is a wonderful person even though I do not know him in the fact
that he is open and honest.  I have lots of friends who are different from me
and that does not make me love them any less.  I am neither into S&M or being a
lesbian but I have friends who are.  But they know I love men to much to do
that.  Because I was abused as a child does not make me hate men or others who
do not think like I do.  I have grown stronger from my childhood but it is a
hellava way to gain strength.

I wish all a Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year.

                        -Linda-



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