From: keisha@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Coed of the Damned)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Dusky Beauty Tells All
Date: 29 Jul 92 01:56:16 GMT
Reply-To: keisha@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Coed of the Damned)
Organization: The University of Texas at Austin, Austin TX
Originator: keisha@doc.cc.utexas.edu


Hello, Keisha here, demuffining.

I have been reading this newsgroup for about five months now, but I never
had the guts to post anything.  Well, I have nothing to lose by posting now
because everyone that I care about knows about my preferences, so here goes.

I guess I should start at the beginning, huh?

My story begins in 2nd grade, when the pretty little thing in the pink dress
and white hair ribbons sitting next to me enthralled me so much that I just
had to kiss her.  And I did, during the reading lesson, right in front of
everyone.  The teacher blanched and dropped her copy of "Curious George 
Joins the Circus."

I got sent to the principal's office for that one.  He just sat there, not
knowing what to say except "Why did you do that?"  I answered, "I don't
know; I just felt like it."  "Don't do it again; that's nasty," he said, 
and sent me back to the classroom.  The teacher moved me away from the
pretty little thing.  I never went near her again.  No one ever bothered
to explain to me why it was considered "cute" when Bobby Thompson kissed 
my sweet young thing during recess.

No one ever sat me down and said that it was wrong.  I learned about sex
from open-minded books, but I still got the impression that the "right way"
for me to do things was to be with a man.  And I believed that.  I still
wanted and desired to be a woman while having a man take the initiative.
But the desire to make love to a woman, as a woman, never went away.

When I hit puberty, I had the same teenage crushes that other girls did:
the objects of our desire were those extremely cute boys who played on 
the football team.  There were a few with whom I would have been glad to 
do the horizontal mambo.  But there were also a few juicy tidbits on the
drill team....

When I got to college, I still mostly concentrated on men.  I guess it
was me trying to live up to a feminine ideal.  But those dreams, those
fantasies about being with women never went away.  Ever.

I'm leaving this place and going to another one soon.  Another place 
where I believe I can be open to suggestions and experimentation. 

I read this over and it sounds very open and honest, and I am amazed that
I could get up the courage to post these experiences to a newsgroup full
of strangers.  But I think that milling about with people who can attest
to the normalcy of this lifestyle will make me a little more courageous
when I finally make the plunge, so to speak. 

<sigh>  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only bisexual woman in the world.
Well, at least the only one that I know of.  I know plenty of gay men and
lesbians, and oodles of straights, but I cannot think of one human being
that I know or have been introduced to who can talk to me about what I'm
feeling and have some real life experience.  In a way, it makes me feel
very alone here.

Some people may say that my being bisexual stems from confusion or lack
of "strong, traditional family values." I really don't think that my 
being (or at least believing) that I am bisexual makes me confused or
misguided (although a favorite quote of mine from someone's .sig is 
"As far as being bisexual is concerned, I'm not CONFUSED, I'm GREEDY!")

I've also been reading about how lesbians sometimes disparage the lifestyles
of bisexual women.  (Something about their sexual intimacy with men making
it hard for the two groups to understand each other.  Is that right?  The
whole discussion has me very, very confused.  Can someone explain further?)
I can feel the desire to be with both men and women, but I would be hard 
pressed to make a lifestyle choice that would ostracise me from a sizeable
and vocal group of women who work to make the lives of all women better.

Something else that worries me about this whole thing is being identified
as some sort of oversexed weirdo who can't keep her clothes on.  I know
that I'm not like that.  I believe that if I have these desires, I should
act on them, as long as the acts are consensual and the other person 
involved (male or female) is as open and understanding as I am willing to
be.

Or am I just deluding myself?

Comments, suggestions, hugs are welcomed.  Please be gentle. :-)

Keisha J. Gray -- Co-ed of the Damned
(keisha@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu, but not for long.)
"More fun than you can shake a stick at!"