From: na4@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Newsgroups: sci.psychology
Subject: Manipulation - Help?!
Date: 18 Nov 92 16:58:33 EST
Distribution: sci
Organization: Cornell University



Greetings all,	I'm hoping someone here on psych can provide me with 				
some reference material or personal experience/knowledge.  I seem to 			
have just had an encounter with manipulation I hope to avoid in the			
future.  

(This is all you really need to know to give me references - a LONG	
story follows.  If you do not care to or have the time, just e-mail 
responses to NA4@CornellC.CIT.cornell.edu)
									
let me explain:  I met a man who flattered me and seemed interested		
and interesting (very, really!) and encouraged a relationship which 			
was what we both (or so I thought) envisioned as long-term and growth-		
oriented (my idea, at this point, of what i want in a marriage)  This 		
happened to be a particularly confusing time for me, as i was in a 		
reasonably happy relationship, but i felt it would probably not become a 	
marriage (or similarly committed long-term).  He urged me to end the current 	
relationship to develop a new one with him, which I felt I was not ready for	
for two reasons:  1)while i did not think I had what I wanted in the current	
relationship, i was not ready to abandon it - i was enjoying it, and 2)  I	
really did not know this man well enough to begin a romantic relationship	
with him, i felt more time was neccessary to get to know each other.  He 	
found this an intolerable situation so we were at an impasse.  I was so		
confused about this and some other things that I told both the new man and	
my current partner that i needed some time to myself to figure out what i 	
really needed and wanted.
								
It did not take me long to realize that if this man really cared about me	
and our relationship he would allow me space and time to sort things out.	
He absolutely would not understand why I couldn't give up my relationship 	
to go out with him and found just spending time together frustrating and	
difficult.  He seemed to be trying to make me feel guilty for his frustration.	
I really liked this man, but I will not be made to feel guilty for		
someone else's feelings - I tried VERY hard to be clear and honest about	
every thing but he seemed bound and determined to make me feel bad for		
being cautious and trying to do what was right for me.  Soon the thought	
of him made my stomache turn and i know absolutely that I can not develop	
a romantic relationship with him.  I would really like to know what		
happened here and if it's possible ( or a REALLY bad idea) to try to 		
make/be friends with him, since I do find him to be really interesting		
and intelligent.								
										
what I am really looking for are tools to detect and deflect manipulation	
when it occurs.  I have been advised by friends that to confront the 		
manipulator with the knowledge that they are being manipulative will only	
result in denial and a stronger effort.  					

Manipulation is a foreign tool to me, I don't know how to disarm an expert.	
It was an unsettling discovery, so since i know it's out there and very 	
powerful i'd like to learn how to identify and deal with it.		

Sorry this was so long, and thanks for any help.		

You can e-mail responses to me at:  na4@CornellC.CIT.cornell.edu
so as to save bandwidth, etc.