From: scott@sfi.santafe.edu (Scott D. Yelich)
Subject: And now on channel [CANCELLED] 
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 92 00:33:24 GMT
Organization: Santa Fe Institute
Distribution: alt


The following piece of satire was cancelled illegitimately shortly
after being posted [Scott--> er, and possibly cancelled again after it
was re-posted.  Lets see if the powers-that-be-in-IRC can control NNTP
on a global scale. *SHUDDER* ].  I guess somebody out there doesn't
have a sense of humour.  Complaints have been sent to the appropriate
people at ANU.

			NEWS FLASH

Avalog has been apprehended not far from NORAD after launching
nuclear weapons at every major city in the world.

His interview with the arresting officers is included below.

Arresting Officer: Did you launch nuclear missiles at all major
		cities in the world?

Avalog: No, I didn't.

AO:	Are you sure about that?

Avalog: Absolutely.

AO:	We have 20 witnesses who say they saw you do it.

Avalog: They're lying. I don't have the disk space.

AO:	You were seen in the launch room.

Avalog: That doesn't mean I launched them.

AO:	There is a video tape made by the closed circuit Television in
	that room showing you launching the missiles.

Avalog: Can I see it?

[Video screens. Avalog remains silent for five minutes]

AO:	Well?

Avalog: Well what?

AO:	Well do you admit you launched the missiles?

Avalog: No, I pressed this button. *It* launched the missiles.

AO:	So you did want to bomb the world.

Avalog:	Get a clue you lamer arresting officer. If you did as much
	coding on the missiles as I do you would *know* that I
	didn't expect them to go off when I pressed the button.

AO:	Why did you do it?

Avalog: I had to launch the missiles to catch the hackers.

AO:	What hackers?

Avalog: The hackers who were hacking into my machine. And
	by the way, I think you have your prioritiies and
	loyalties all screwed around. Why are you arresting
	me and not them? And why didn't you tell me about
	the people hacking into my machine.

AO:	I didn't know about the hackers hacking into your machine.

Avalog: And besides, it's not like launching missiles is
	exactly hard. Any of the generals in NORAD could have
	done it at any time.

AO:	But they never have done it.

Avalog: How do I know that. Why should we trust them to have
	missiles when we don't know if they launch them all
	the time or not?

AO:	Why did you need to launch missiles to catch hackers?

Avalog: Because they were hiding and it was the only way I
	could find out who they were and where they were.

AO:	How?

Avalog:	Well I knew that if the hacking stopped, it had to have
	been somebody in one of the cities I blew up.

AO:	You also killed millions of innocent people, who never
	had anything to do with hacking into your machine and
	probably never even realised it was possible to launch
	nuclear missiles.

Avalog:	Believe me, it's not something I enjoyed doing, but I
	had no choice. I had to do it to catch the hackers.

AO:	Well I don't think you should let you get away with this.
	What do you suggest we do?

Avalog:	Let me go. I only did what I had to do.

AO:	So you're saying that if you get somebody hacking in again,
	you'd do it again? You'd launch nuclear missiles and blow
	up people all around the world?

Avalog: Yes, I'd do it again. I didn't have any choice.

AO:	Well isn't that just all the more reason for us not to trust
	you?

Avalog:	Well Uncle Sam has launched missiles in the past.

AO:	True. But right now we're dealing with *you* launching missiles.

Avalog:	Anyway, what are you going to do about all the vanity ops?

AO:	What vanity ops?

Avalog:	All the vanity ops on strummer who IRC from NORAD.

AO:	Stick to the thread and read what I wrote, and you'll do fine.

Avalog:	Well the people in NORAD can launch nuclear missiles at any
	time too. If you can trust them you should be able to trust
	me.

AO:	They could launch nuclear missiles, but they didn't. You *did*.

Avalog:	How do you know they haven't launched nuclear missiles?
	.
	.
	.


When asked about this situation, Waftam told reporters "Avalog is not
an inherently evil person. There is more evil in the Arresting Officer
than there is in Avalog. Avalog should be allowed to have his own
nuclear weapons whenever he wants to".


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