HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Dan Quayle, who?
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 92 14:01:27 EDT
Organization: Dan's Domain, Randolph, New Jersey

  As the Republican convention draws near, and the quandry over
who is Dan Quayle and why is he looking for fish (another joke,
another day) grows, plots are being plotted...

    PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF THE president!

    On (day before convention) VP Dan Quayle will be going
   on a peace keeping mission to a little known island 
   somewhere to the east of Florida not too far from Bermuda.
    Due the the highly secret nature of this mission, we
   expect these talks to last for some time.
    The natives of this island have requested that Quayle
   come alone.  So we will put him on a small boat in a 
   secluded Miami dock and send on his quest.
    This trip should conclude sometime in December.

    In the mean time, we have chosen someone with brains -
   err - intelli - err - smarts to take Dan's place during
   the election.

Some months later, a few days before the election, Bush would
be asked about a little known VP being sent into the Bermuda
triangle on a peace keeping mission.  Not knowing how to
respond, thinks it over and coming up with a response surly
to avoid further remarks says, "Quayle who?"

Years later, stories would be told, lies covered up.  And
there are a few who say, that on cold November nights on
the beach in Miami, a lone voice could be heard rolling in
with the waves...  "But I am the VP, really!"

------------

   Next time from the "Bush Platform" theatre,

            Dan Quayle and the Attack of Tammy Faye Bakker

Xref: sparky rec.humor:26508 alt.politics.clinton:2255 talk.politics.guns:19598
From: cdt@sw.stratus.com (C. D. Tavares)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.guns
Subject: Re: Guns don't kill ...
Date: 19 Aug 92 21:56:56 GMT
Article-I.D.: transfer.5706
Followup-To: rec.humor
Organization: Stratus Computer, Inc.

In article <1992Aug14.020427.24232@wam.umd.edu>, ara@wam.umd.edu (Ford Prefect) writes:

> >More linguistic nits here.  The phrase "Guns don't kill people; people
> >kill people" is not true given the commonly accepted usage of "kill".
> >Guns *DO* kill people.  So do automobiles, swimming pools, falls from

> Ha Ha Ha Ha, this is great!, I could see it now, on the 7 o'clock news :-)

> "Gangs of vicious Swimming Pools are roaming the streets of D.C. 
>  D.C. Police Cheif <whatshisname> says "They just sneak up on unsuspecting
>  people and either crush them if they are concreet models or drown them
>  if they are the above ground plastic type", owners of Pool supply shops
>  are warned to protect themselves, these Swimming Pools will do anything
>  for Clorine"

Yeah, I guess this make MUCH less sense than "Gangs of vicious guns."
-- 

cdt@pdp.sw.stratus.com      --If you believe that I speak for my company,
OR cdt@vos.stratus.com        write today for my special Investors' Packet...
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: st1ns@rosie.uh.edu (Ault, Russell W.)
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: University of Houston
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 06:22:00 GMT

In article <1992Aug13.105659.8776@newstand.syr.edu>, rsadve@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Adve) writes...
>>>We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
>>>in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
>>>Can you help me?  
>>>
>>>I've come up with itchy, scratchy, krusty (all from 
>>>the Simpsons in case u were wondering), elvis, 
>>>thefarside, oohbaby, whoababy, woobaby (stolen from 
>>>the net), ohbaby, themall, thelake, thebeach, and 
>>>thegap, but none of these is all that great, or 
>>>appropriate for work....please please help me, it 
>>>just needs to be somewhat clean, you know, suitable 
>>>for the workplace.
>>>
>>
>>toaster, blender, canopener, eggbeater, macintosh
>>
>How about 'computer'?

I've always wanted to have the chance to name one DEVNULL or just NULL, and then
hang some really confusable names on the rest (as already suggested).
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mcs4041@zeus.tamu.edu (SHARAT SHEKHAR)
Subject: A NOTE ON GROWLING TRAITS AMONGST LIONS
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Keywords:  LIONS , GROWLING
Organization: Texas A&M University, Academic Computing Services
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 21:48:00 GMT

	Based on my research on "Growling Patterns and their Relation to 
Characteristic Traits observed in Lions in Europe and East Asia", I have 
presented some of my results in tabular form, below. I would like to hear 
from other reputed Lionologists as well.

================================================================================
   LION ORIGIN         GROWL ARTICULATION              LION DESCRIPTION
================================================================================
    BRITISH		    GROWL		  Prosaic Staid Lion. Not a
						  very showy type

    OLD ENGLISH		    GROWLE		  Archaic, Pompous Lion. Exudes
						  an aura of false profundity.

    FRENCH		    GREAULLE		  Pretensious preening Lion. The
						  kind thats perpetually combing
						  his mane


    GERMAN		    GRROVLL		  Blunt Boorish and gruff Lion.
						  The aggressive type.

    SCANDINAVIAN	    GRAAVL		  Obscure,largely nondescript
						  Lion. Just rolls over and 
					 	  sleeps.

    RUSSIAN		    GPOBL		  Unique Lion. Formerly given
						  to hiding, now heard more
						  often

    SPANISH		    GRRRROWL		  Very Passionate Lion.

    JAPANESE		    GROWR		  No Explanation offered.

    CHINESE	   	    GLOWL		  ----------"-----------

===============================================================================
     "If One of Dr. Jack Kevorkian's patients lives, can he sue for
	Malpractice ?!?!" _ Heard on the Larry King Show.
===============================================================================
	Dr. Sharat Shekhar, D.Leo, Phd, Etc
	Distiunguished Professor of Lion Studies,
	Tayxis Ain'M University, Cawlij Styshn, TX 
===============================================================================


From: richardb@hpscit.sc.hp.com (Richard Bouchet)
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 20:17:34 GMT
Subject: Re: Limerick's
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Santa Clara, CA
Newsgroups: rec.humor

There was once a young girl from Milpitas
Who never engaged in coitus
'Till an athlete from State
Made her period late
And now she's got athlete's fetus!



Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: kwfriber@mtu.edu (Kenberg Frieth)
Subject: Re: Drunk driving in movies
Organization: Michigan Technological University
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 18:25:29 GMT

In article <1992Aug12.135846.22427@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu> bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church) writes:
>To the person asking about drunk driving in movies. I e-mailed this
>but it bounced.
>
>
>If you want to see a pretty disgusting "before" scene try the Matt Helms
>movies starring Dean Martin. I'm pretty sure it was "The  Ambusher". He drives
>around drinking from a flask after obviously having had too much while battling 
>an army of females. Come to think of it that doesn't really narrow it down does 
>it.
> A movie called 'Liscence to Drive' shows a bunch of teens having a great 
>time driving around drunk. This one even got the medias attention so you've 
>probably heard about it.

In 'License to Drive', only the girls was drunk.
From: guyh@hpubvwa.nsr.hp.com (Guy Hyde)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re:Life 3.5 and Life 6.C
Date: 20 Aug 92 19:48:51 GMT
Article-I.D.: hpubvwa.166950005
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Bellevue Sales

Reading ( with enjoyment ) Life 3.5 and Life 6.C
reminded me of a true ( yet humorous ) story told
by my brother while in college --

	The rules at this particular university
	were such that if the professor were not
	present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
	the hour, the class was considered a "walk"
	and the students were free to leave -- with
	no penalties for missing a class. The rooms
	were equipped with the type wall clocks which
	"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticable
	fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not
	of the most sofisticated construction. Some 
	enterprising student discovered that if one were
	to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it
	would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

	So, it became almost daily practice for these
	students to take target practice at the clock
	( as it would have it, this particular professor
	was not the most punctual, and the students
	considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few
	well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed,
	and class dismissed itself.

	Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around,
	the professor strolled into the room, passed out
	the exams, and told the "You have 1 hour to complete".

	The professor then proceeded to collect the
	erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim
	at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped"
	the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class
	and collected the exam papers.

	Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
From: kml@cellar.org (Lazlo Hoover Toth)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: BUMPER STICKER
Date: 17 Aug 92 13:32:22 GMT
Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system

blythes@cs.rpi.edu (Stephen Blythe) writes:

> In article <1992Aug14.122903.589@ccsvax.sfasu.edu>, z_maraiajj@ccsvax.sfasu.e
> |> SAVE GAS. FART IN A JAR.
> |> 
> |> SEEN IN DELAWARE
> 
> also seen in DE:
> 
> DelaWHERE ???
> 

|Hey, don't knock it, Delaware's a nice town.



This message may not be rebroadcast without the express written consent of 
the Baltimore Orioles and Major League Baseball.  Send $2 for transcripts to
  kml%cellar@tredysvr.tredydev.unisys.com  - My other account is a Mercedes.
From: JKC3@psuvm.psu.edu (Joe Carlson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ASCII Pics
Date: 19 Aug 92 23:22:21 GMT
 <1992Aug19.101046.25475@email.tuwien.ac.at>
Organization: Penn State University

In article <1992Aug19.101046.25475@email.tuwien.ac.at>, nino@vmars.tuwien.ac.at
(Marinos Yannikos) says:

>pt@geovision.gvc.com (Paul Tomblin) writes:
>:                              _
>:                             | \
>:                            _|  \______________________________________
>:                           - ______        ________________          \_`,
>:                         -(_______            -=    -=        USAF       )
>:                                  `--------=============----------------`
>:                                            -   -
>:                                           -   -
>:                                `   . .  -  -
>:                                 .*` .* ;`*,`.,
>:                                  `, ,`.*.*. *
>: __________________________________*  * ` ^ *____________________________
>:            IRAQ
>:
>: B52 BUFF (contributed by Mary Shafer shafer@skipper.dfrf.nasa.gov, from
>:           a signature by rutgers!faatcrl!jimb)

>Very nice, but this guy forgot to draw the british soldiers that were killed
>in the bombing...

          too bad the british soldiers don't know how to read a map, eh?
From: andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ~~~~ BABIES, CONTAGIOUS & LOLLIPOPS ~~~~
Date: 19 Aug 92 14:51:50 GMT
Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK.

In article <46597@shamash.cdc.com> ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew) writes:
>andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon) writes:
>: In article <1992Aug15.044612.22906@afit.af.mil> jholtgra@afit.af.mil (Jeremy C. Holtgrave) writes:
>: >In article <1992Aug11.130531.2855@apricot.co.uk> steve@apricot.co.uk (Steve Flavell) writes:
>: >>aa395@yfn.ysu.edu (Perry Tarantine) writes:
>: >>
>: >>
>: >>>What's a Lada?
>: >>>-- 
>: >>>Perry Tarantine  aa395  /*/       ///     /*/ Amiga: Computer for the
>: >>>SysOp of the RPG Sig   /*/       ///     /*/     Creative Mind.
>: >>>Type "Go RPG" and     /*/    \\\///     /*/No. 1 complaint of comic strip chars
>: >>>Join the Adventure   /*/      \XX/     /*/     "I don't have thumbs!"
>: >>
>: >>A Lada is a Russian car which is very outdated and is the butt of many jokes
>: >>here in the UK because it looks like a square box.
>: >>
>: >>Hope this helps.
>: >
>: >What's "UK"?
>: >
>: 
>: Its the samll country that won both World Wars by its self (almost)
>: 
>Suggest you check your History Books (ie. someone like AJP Taylor)
>Its a small country that got involved in 2WW's. 
>- Doubt we were in a very fit state to finish them!
>Or maybe this is just another attempt at a wind-up?
                                            ^^^^^^^^^
					    /
                                           /
                          You almost bit ! Damn, I'm just going to have to be
			  unsubtle and insult some other facet of the USA.

-- 
|      Andy Cannon       |"Love is what seperates us from the animals"       |
| Misplaced Yorkshireman |                                                   |
|   Spider Systems Ltd   |"No, what seperates us from the animals is that we |
|  andrewc@spider.co.uk  |don't clean our own genitals with our tongue"      |
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.guns
From: rpollard@gucis.cit.gu.edu.au (Russell Pollard)
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Keywords: joke, very funny, haha, etc. 
Organization: Griffith University, Brisbane, Australia.
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 06:30:45 GMT


>> Guns don't kill people, bullets do.  People with gun just do it
>> more efficiently!  :-)

>  Ok, if you want to get down to it, what kills people are flame
>wars - ah, no - it's the ripping open of flesh causing drastic
>bleeding and a shock to the system.  Bullets help make this process
>move along quicker esp when fired from a gun - and even more 
>efficient when fired from a semi-automatic hunting rifle.

It saves all that icky skinning later...
>------------

>   So, does the NRA really believe that people who go squirel
>hunting need to use a rifle that'll fire so many bullets in
>half a second to have removed every bit of meat from the bones
>of the intended prey???

>   I support the right to bear arms, but what about arming bears?

Now that should make things a little more interesting.......

>   Where do we draw the line?  Rocket Launchers to hunt dear?

You have a probl;em with this ?!?!?

>(Ok, so I'm an exagggggerationnnnistttt.)

Don't worry in a world this big someone may forgive you :-) (for the
                                                    humour impaired)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: johnk@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (John J Kuszewski)
Subject: Jokes from Kindergarten
Organization: HAC - Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 23:30:17 GMT

OK boys and girls, let's hear the jokes you used to tell each other 
when you were five.  Here's my favorite:

What's big & red & eats rocks?



A Big Red Rock Eater!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha--*gasp*--hahahahahahahahah


-- 
John Kuszewski
johnk@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu
I'm not an idiot, but I play one on USENET
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: crisp@netcom.com (Richard Crisp)
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 92 05:19:39 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Keywords: joke, very funny, haha, etc.

In article <14106@auspex-gw.auspex.com> johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira) writes:
>In article <1992Aug17.181150.4911@athena.mit.edu> sybok@athena.mit.edu (The Rifleman) writes:
>|In article <sc0LPB2w164w@opus.mcds.com> speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers) writes:
>|>   I support the right to bear arms, but what about arming bears?
>|>
>|>   Where do we draw the line?  Rocket Launchers to hunt dear?
>|
>|Hunting, hunting, hunting.  You keep talking about arms in relation
>|to hunting.  THE SECOND AMENDMENT IS NOT ABOUT HUNTING!!!  The colonials
>|weren't hunting when they rose up against their oppressor to gain
>|freedom.
>
>Hmmm. Did they have rocket launchers and semi-automatic rifles when the
>second amendment was passed?  Just wondering?

The "Star Spangled Banner" was written around the time of the War of 1812.
There is a line "and the rocket's red glare" in it. I guess that it 
was a tad after the revolutionary war, but the Chinese had had them for
centuries beforehand.

All of this is irrelevant of course. There is a concept of technological
advancement and arms races. I don't think the term "arms" is restricted to 
muskets.


-- 
Richard Crisp            Cupertino, Ca.             crisp@netcom.com
(415) 903-3832 wk   "I don't brake for liberals"   (408) 253 4541 fax

To say that Bill Clinton's alleged successes as Governor of Arkansas
qualify him to be President of the US is like saying the shoeshine
stand operator in the airport is qualified to be CEO of IBM.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: boffo@wam.umd.edu (Sharon Roseanne Millman)
Subject: Re: Bathroom humor
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Distribution: na
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 19:42:58 GMT

In article <kelly.713827518@spyro> kelly@spyro.cray.com (Matt Kelly (4274)) writes:
>corinne@freya.cs.umass.edu (Corinne J. Roy) writes:
>
>
>>I remember seeing this written on the library bathroom
>>wall when I was a little kid...
>
>>Here I sit 
>>Broken hearted
>>Tried to shit
>>But only farted
>
>
>>Cori
>
>The way I saw it, in an airport pay toilet:
>
>Here I sit
>So broken hearted
>Paid a dime
>Any only farted.
>
>Matt
>
Here's one I saw at summer camp.

Those who write on bathroom walls
Roll their s**t in little balls
Those who read those words of wit
Eat those little balls of s**t.

Dan
boffo@wam.umd.edu
From: johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Keywords: joke, very funny, haha, etc.
Date: 18 Aug 92 23:50:55 GMT
Organization: Auspex Systems, Inc.

In article <1992Aug18.194945.24220@hawkmoon.mn.org> gray@hawkmoon.mn.org (Bill Gray) writes:
>johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira) writes:
>
>>Hmmm. Did they have rocket launchers and semi-automatic rifles when the
>>second amendment was passed?  Just wondering?
>
>Interesting question.

Must have been.  I got quite a few responses.  

>Therefore, following your precedent, the First Amendment does not protect
>electronic media or churches formed after its drafting. The Third amendment
>means that National Guard troops can be quartered in your home (there was
>no National Guard--a component of the Regular Army, Air Force, and Navy,
>not the militia) at the time of its drafting.  The Fourth Amendment
>does not protect you from electronic wiretapping, nor does it protect your
>computer files on your personal computer, since neither phones nor
>computers existed when it was drafted.  The Fifth Amendment does not protect
>your phones, air conditioners, cars, computers or other technological 
>devices from government seizure and use since none of them existed. . .

You guys were really prepared for this one.  Do you guys sit around think
of these kinds of rebuttals all of the time?
 
>If you really want to study the issue of gun control and whether it really
>can and does deliver on its many promises, read t.p.g for a while, or
>write the NRA and ask them their side of the issue.

As I told someone via email I don't really want to study the issue of gun
control or the history of firearms.  I've never owned a gun in my life and
up until about a month ago had never shot one.  Even without "a healthy
fear for government" I've somehow managed to live this long quite happily.

>Getting all your
>input on this issue fromt he major media is a lot like making your decisions
>about affirmative action or welfare after listening only to David Duke.
 
I prefer to get all my input on all major issues from rec.humor....or 
talk.bizarre.

To the guy that said "nice trick, changing the followup line to rec.humor",
I didn't changed the followup line.  I followed it up in rec.humor.  The
followup line was already set.

-- 
+============================================================================++
| John Fereira            "Is that all you ever think about?"                |
| johnf@auspex.com                                                           |
+============================================================================++
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: psbapat@mtu.edu (BAPAT)
Subject: Re: another marine joke
Organization: Michigan Technological University
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 18:41:01 GMT

In article <46451@shamash.cdc.com>, ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew) writes:
> And another one:-
> 
> Two marines, ship-wrecked on a desert island, take up with a native girl.
> After 3-weeks she is *So-disgusted* with what she's doing, 
> - she commits suicide!
> After 3-weeks they are *So-disgusted* with they are doing,
> - they bury her!
> After 3-weeks they are *So-disgusted* with they are doing,
> - they dig her back up!
> 

Another guy is marooned on an island with six beautiful females.
Great, he says - one for each day. Sunday is the day of rest.

After two/three weeks he feels tired, unable to keep up the pace.
He hopes - wish there was someone else to keep the girls busy.

Next day, his wish comes true. There is a shipwreck and another 
man swims ashore. New man, on seeing another guy on the island
goes up and gives him a big hug out of sheer joy and relief.

First man, dejectedly says - there goes my sunday !!!!

-- 

Pushpak Bapat                      | LIFE IS LIKE A SEWER; WHAT 
e-mail: psbapat@mtu.edu            | YOU GET OUT OF IT DEPENDS  
Michigan Technological University  | ON WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT !!
From: ghunn@micrognosis.co.uk (Gordon Hunn)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: James Last fans, don't read this!!
Date: 21 Aug 92 12:49:06 GMT
Organization: Micrognosis UK, London.

Whats the difference between an Ox and the James Last Orchestra?

The Ox has horns at the front and and an asshole at the back ...
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gordon Hunn                                Email:  ghunn@micrognosis.co.uk
Micrognosis Ltd., London                   Voice:  +44 71 528 8282
-> My opinions are just that!! <-          Fax  :  +44 71 528 8790
From: ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 20 Aug 92 12:34:28 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Control Data Systems Inc., London, UK.
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL3

lemson@fnbc.com (David Lemson) writes:
: In article <80@byu.edu>  writes:
: > 
: > In article <1992Aug12.161224.72@cbnewsl.cb.att.com>,  
: saal@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (samuel.saal) writes:
: > > In article <1992Aug10.154759.370@awdprime.austin.ibm.com>
: > > ibmpa!cdc017.austin.ibm.com!lkoh@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com writes:
: > > 
: > > >We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
: > > >in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
: > > >Can you help me?  
: > >

- I once saw a machine named DNA - the secret of life, etc. 

In fact, using chemical names (of course, fully expanded) might be a
good way to really hack off non-Biochemists Users.

--- Imagine: rlogin polydimufterfuftcloride  
                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 [I think this one is still waiting to be discovered]
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish