From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: semi-monthly FAQ list posting part 1
Date: 2 Jan 1993 05:23:46 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu
Summary: all of a sudden i can't post anything over 100k...
Keywords: part 1 of the FAQ list

[ no new changes since last time, except for a format change.  something on my
  site has changed, and all of a sudden i can't post anything over 100000
  bytes, so i've split the faq in two.  sections 1-4 are in part 1, sections
  5-end are in part 2.

  krikket's new changes to part 5 have not been incorporated yet, but i would
  expect them to be by next time.  happy new year everyone! ]

		      Frequently Asked Questions List for
			   Alt.Sexual.Abuse.Recovery

This is a list of commonly discussed topics on Alt.Sexual.Abuse.Recovery
(hereafter ASAR), issues relating to healing from abuse, resources you can
access outside this newsgroup, etc.  It is the compiled work of many
contributors to ASAR.  If you have comments or suggestions, please e-mail them
to me (I'm listed at the bottom) or post them to the group for discussion.

This is a long list, so the first thing you will find is an outline.  There was
an idea that there be a short and a long version of this list.  I have decided
that this isn't particularly necessary, and have put the extra material from
the long list at the bottom.  You can stop reading any time, after all.  To aid
in finding sections, I have used a decimal index system.  You may skip to a
particular section by searching for the index number, ex: "2.2.4" for the
section on "Meta discussions".

I have marked sections as follows:  
  No mark: The section is complete
  A  "+" : The section is new or updated since the last posting of the list.
  An "*" : The section is missing.  Someone who feels that this is particularly
	   relevant to them please volunteer to write it.
  A  "~" : The section is somewhat complete, but could use work.  See above
	   call for help.
  A  "-" : The section used to be complete, some of the informatipn in it may
	   have changed.

The outline:      (originally compiled and organized by Hineni)

1.    Welcome & General Information about ASAR
  1)  What is ASAR?
+ 2)  Anonymous Posting Services.
      1) What is an APS?
      2) How secure is an APS?
      3) List of current APS sites.
  3)  Common Acronyms

2.    Who we are
  1)  Who "belongs" here.
  2)  Posting etiquette.
      1) Ground Rules.
      2) Spoiler Warnings.
      3) What's Great, What's OK, What's Unacceptable.
      4) "Meta" discussions.

3.    Safety & Self Preservation
  1)  Is it safe?  (Nature of public posting place)
+ 2)  What do I do if I feel attacked in the group?
  3)  What does the group do when a person is abusive?
  4)  Hints for partners of survivors.

4.    Frequently Discussed Issues
  1)  What can/can't ASAR do for me?
  2)  Can I start another thread on these topics?
  3)  How can I tell if I've been abused if I have no memories?
  4)  Sometimes I think I'm making it all up; am I crazy?
  5)  How much of my childhood _should_ I remember?
  6)  Medication: To take or not to take?
  7)  Cutting & self-mutilation: Why do I do it and how can I stop?
  8)  What I have to say is not worth talking about; why should I post?
  9)  Should I forgive the abuser(s)?

5.    Resources
+~1)  How do I report a suspected/known abuser?
* 2)  General support (gynecologists, rape crisis center, phone hotline, etc.)
-~3)  Specific support organizations (w/ contact for local support groups)
  4)  SIGs  
+~5)  Printed Material
+     1)  Books
+     2)  Journals, Magazines, and Newsletters
~+6)  Telephone numbers

6.    Things You Might Want to Know
  1)  List of famous survivors
  2)  "If it helps," a pep talk.
 ~3)  Stats on prevalence of abuse
  4)  Medications (common ones listed with side effects, etc.)
  5)  Common "symptoms" (nightmares, cutting, anorexia/bulimia, etc)
  6)  How can I tell if I have multiple personalities?
  7)  Comments on rescue missions.
+ 8)  Information on Hypnotism.
  
7.    Things some people find helpful.
  1)  Child Within (Inner Child) stuff
  2)  Ways of comforting yourself.
* 3)  When you're scared of a particular person
* 4)  Ways of bringing things up in ASAR (eg asking for gentle responses)
  5)  Ways of empowering yourself.
===========================================================================
1. Welcome & General Information about ASAR
1.1)   What is ASAR?      (by Matt Fields)

As the name suggests, ASAR is a public forum on recovery from all types of
sexual abuse, including rape experienced by adults as well as by children.  It
is frequented by both males and females, and is accessible to everyone,
including supporters, health care professionals, perpetrators, and the general
public.  The cast of readers and authors changes constantly.  Recently
discussed topics include self-inflicted violence, multiple personalities,
confronting/naming perpetrators, dealing with the holidays, explaining oneself
to prying members of the general public, self-defense, nightmares, etc.

1.2)  Anonymous Posting Services.  (by Jason Black)

For those who are not comfortable enough dealing with their abuse to post using
their real name, there are anonymous posting services.  These allow you to post
to ASAR (or other newsgroups) and send mail to other anonymous people without
ever revealing your real address or identity to them.

1.2.1) What is an APS?

An anonymous posting service (APS) is a special piece of software for
processing mail sent to special addresses.  In general, an APS receives a piece
of mail, replaces any identifying information from the mail header with your
anonymous idenntifier, and then posts the anonymized message to Usenet.  Some
APS's can also send anonymous mail to other users of that APS.  Not all APS's
work the same way.  Most have at least minor operational differences from
eachother.  But in general, the above things are true about them.

1.2.2) How secure is an APS?

A very valid question is "how secure is an APS?"  The answer is, ultimately,
not 100% secure.  For even the best APS's, there is usually some way for the
APS's administrator or the superuser of that system to find out what real
address corresponds with what anonymous address.  However, in general people
not on the site that the APS runs on have no way of finding this out.  Most
APS's have to maintain a list of anonymous id's and real address pairs, so that
when a message comes in, it knows what anonymous name to put in the header for
the post to Usenet.  All APS's which provide anonymous mail services have to
have such a list because the APS ultimately needs to know what the address of
the recipient is.  The APS administrator has access to this list, and can read
it.  The superuser of the system the APS is on can also read this list.

E-mail itself isn't very secure, either.  Anyone with superuser priveledges on
any machine the mail has to go through to get to the APS could theoretically
read the temporary files created by the mail server on their machine while it
processes your mail.

In general, one can never protect one's self from the superuser of a system.
However, system administrators are generally honest and respectable people, who
have a vested interest in the integrity of their systems.  It is rare, although
not unheard of, for system administrators to abuse their powers to read
people's e-mail.  Everyone must decide for themselves whether or not they can
trust their local system administrators, and whether they can trust the people
who run the APS they use.

The only way to protect yourself from the insecurities of e-mail is to use an
APS which can process some form of encrypted mail.  There is at least one APS
which does this.  Using this feature, however, requires more technical
expertise on your end than using a non-encrypted APS.

So the answer is, no APS is completely secure.  However, for a well built APS,
the APS's administrator and the superuser of the system would have to go
through a lot of trouble to find out what real address corresponds with a
particular anonymous ID.  So if you are having concerns like that about the
people who run the APS you use, you can always switch to using another one.


1.2.3) List of current APS sites.

This is a list of currently running APS sites, and some information on how to
use them.  If you know of an APS which is suitable for use with ASAR and is not
on this list, please send me (cloister@u.washington.edu) mail, and I will
gather the information about the site and add it to the list.

The anon.penet.fi APS:

This is a fairly new APS, but it is based on proven software from the former
APS at godiva.  It's run by a fellow in Finland, and like the Australia site,
offers generic anonymous posting to any newsgroup, not just to ASAR.

<name.of.news.group>@anon.penet.fi  post to a newsgroup.
<user's alias>@anon.penet.fi        mail an anon user.
ping@anon.penet.fi                  get or verify an address.
nick@anon.penet.fi                  give yourself a nickname in Subject: field.
admin@anon.penet.fi                 admin's non-anon address.
an0@anon.penet.fi                   admin's anonymous address.

The pax.tpa.com.au APS:

This is a fairly new, semi-experimental anonymous posting service.  It can post
to arbitrary newsgroups, handle anonymous e-mail, and do both of these things
in plaintext or RSA-encrypted form.  This APS runs from a site in Australia.

All transactions are handled by email, and commands are selected by
the name of the alias to which you mail, not by the subject or body
of the message (which are ignored unless sending or posting a message).
The separator between the "anon" and the command is a dot (period,'.')
and nothing else will work ! Not '-', not '_', not ":", only a dot.

The site to address mail is "pax.tpa.com.au". If this fails for some
reason, you may need to address it to the specific host (at present)
ie. "flash.pax.tpa.com.au".

"Normal" (unencrypted) commands:
mail anon.info@pax.tpa.com.au           help text.
mail anon.ping@pax.tpa.com.au           get or verify an anon address.
mail anon.###@pax.tpa.com.au            reply to another anon user.
mail anon.status@pax.tpa.com.au         to see the system's status
mail anon.admin@pax.tpa.com.au          a human
mail anon.post.groupname@pax.tpa.com.au post to a newsgroup.
     eg. "mail anon.post.alt.sexual.abuse.recovery@pax.tpa.com.au" will 
     send a post to "alt.sexual.abuse.recovery."

The twwells.com APS:

This is a fairly well established APS.  It offers anonymous posting to ASAR,
and anonymous e-mail services.  It is a feature-rich APS, with lots of commands
you can include in your mail messages.  If you are interested in using this
APS, you should probably mail the anon-help address and read the help file.

anon-help@twwells.com          get help file.
anon-admin@twwells.com aps     administrator's address.
anon-0@twwells.com             administrator's anonymous mail address.
bill@twwells.com               admin's personal address.
anon-ping@twwells.com	       get or verify an address.
anon-asar@twwells.com          post to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
anon-xxxx@twwells.com          mail to an anon-id.

1.3)   Common Acronyms     (by Jason Black, contributions from Matt Fields)

As you read ASAR (and other groups as well), you will run across a variety of
different acronyms and symbols that are a bit difficult to figure out.
However, since they are often used to stand for states of mind or tones of
voice, not knowing what they mean can lead one to misinterpret someone's
posting.

APS:	   An Anonymous Posting Service as described above.
ASAR:      This newsgroup.
BTW:       By the way.  A side remark or tangent.  These often lead to new
	   discussion threads.
DSM-III:   Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 3rd edition.  A document used in
	   the psychiatric/psychological field as a classification of mental
	   disorders.
e-hugs:	   Electronic hugs.  "I'd hug you if you were within arm's reach"
FAQ:	   Frequently Asked Questions list.  This document is one.
IMO/IMHO:  In My (Humble) Opinion.  The poster wants to make sure you don't
	   think s/he's lecturing you.
MP/MPD:	   Multiple Personality (Disorder).
PERP:	   Perpetrator.  Whomever it was that abused you.  Avoids the need to
	   use more emotionally charged words to reference those people, like
	   "father," "sister," "priest," etc.
PTSD:	   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A disorder originally applied to
	   war veretans, now recognized as applying to abuse survivors as well.
SO/SSO:	   (Semi) Significant Other.  Someone romantically attatched to the
	   poster.  This term is a good way to refer to such a person in a
	   gender-neutral way, i.e. avoiding the terms "girlfriend" and
	   "boyfriend."
*A:	   All the "Anonymous" groups: Alcoholics Anonymous, Survivors of
	   Incest Anonymous, etc.  Generally these are self-help support
	   groups. 
:)	   A "smiley".  Turn your head to the left to get the effect.  There
	   are countless varieties of these, including :( (the frownie), :-),
	   :6 ("bleah" smiley with tongue out), etc.  These are often used to
	   indicate states of mind.  The :) smiley is very frequently used to
	   indicate sarcasm or other forms of humor.  Don't get offended by
	   something that has a :) after it.

2.   Who We Are     (by Jason Black)
2.1)   Who "belongs" here.

More or less anyone belongs here.  The group is ostensibly for survivors of
sexual abuse.  However, a great variety of other people find benefit from this
group as well, and we don't turn them away.  People like survivors of other
forms of abuse, SO's of survivors, a few doctors and therapists who add their
two cents, and by far the largest group, silent readers.  People who read but
do not post.  By my estimation, there are about 450 people who have posted to
ASAR.  The latest arbitron figures I heard said that around 19000 people
worldwide read this group.

2.2)   Posting Etiquette.
2.2.1)   Ground Rules  (by Bear Giles, Jason Black)

Everyone is welcome to read ASAR.  However, since ASAR functions as a
combination sexual-abuse survivor's support group and online rape crisis
center, we must ask you to observe a few rules unique to Usenet.  These rules
exist to form a safe environment for the active participants; failure to
observe these rules has been demonstrated to cause a negative impact on the
functioning of this group.

To draw an analogy to the rules of conduct in group therapy sessions:

Perps should not post abusively.  This is a group for survivors.  However, many
perps are themselves survivors, so this is a tricky issue.  If you are a perp,
you should exercise rather a great deal of caution as to how you post.  As
mentioned above, if you post abusively the members of ASAR will do something
about it.

Disagreements and arguments will break out on ASAR.  We would like to think
they don't, but ASAR members are real people, and so they do.  When they do, it
is helpful to keep in mind that taking sides against one or more people on the
other side doesn't help.  It is divisive behavior, and hurts the overall
atmosphere on ASAR.  People have been known to stop reading ASAR when such
incidents happen, which prevents ASAR from being the tool for healing that it
is intended to be.

Survivor's stories should not be questioned.  This reinforces "don't talk"
rules of perps, making the cost to survivors far outweigh the potential
benefits.  Many survivors find it extremely difficult to discuss their abuse.
Questioning the truth of what they say happened to them is a very cruel thing
to do.

Judgements of sexual behavior should not be made.  ASAR readers run the gamut
from heterosexual to homosexual and everything in between.  No matter what your
orientation is, you have as much right as anyone to participate in ASAR, and as
little right to criticize someone else's sexuality as you would give to them.

Religious aspects of healing should be dealt with carefully.  While religion
can be a powerful healing force, it was also a factor in many cases of sexual
abuse.  Treat religious opinions as you would sexual orientations: to each
their own.

Survivor's stories, or summaries thereof, should not be reposted elsewhere
without explicit permission of the author.  To do so would be a rather gross
violation of that person's trust in the newsgroup.  For a lot of survivors,
trust is hard to come by, so don't mess it up.

It will not always be possible for you to agree with everyone.  There will be
times when you feel that you have to say something to someone that isn't
particularly nice, in order to be honest.  For example, if someone posts asking
for support for something you feel isn't right, it would be natural to tell
them so.  However, one should be careful in how one says this.  Keep in mind
that the person on the other end could well be in a vulnerable and not too
strong frame of mind, and treat them gently.  ASAR has seen several unpleasant
flame wars break out because someone with the best of intentions and very valid
points to make posted a response to someone else which was overly blunt.
Remember that it can be hard to see the message behind the style if that style
is too agressive.

Care should be taken when posting excerpts from e-mail you have received.  Keep
in mind that the person sending you mail chose e-mail over posting in the first
place.  You may not know what their reasons were, but their choice of a private
forum should still be respected.  When posting e-mail, it is a good idea to
make sure that you have explicit permission of the author to do so.  And be
sure in your post to let your readers know that.  Of course, the flip side of
this is that one should not take this assumption of a private forum and use it
to harass someone via e-mail.  That is the sort of thing that can get your
local net administrator to remove your net access.

2.2.2)   Spoiler Warnings   (by John Light)

This newsgroup includes a wide range of individual experience, ranging from
people who are just realizing that they may have been abused to people who have
made significant steps toward recovery.  People traumatized by abuse often feel
unable to deal with graphic material related to abuse, yet some people want to
share graphic material that relates to their own abuse and recovery.

Our challenge is to meet the needs of the entire range of sensibilities.  This
must be done in a way that requires no additional administration and doesn't
impose censorship.

Following the lead of other newsgroups, readers of ASAR use "spoiler" warnings.
The use of the word is that if you aren't in a safe personal space when you
read the material, it may spoil your whole day.

Each submitter will decide for himself whether the material may cause distress
for some readers.

The string "<spoiler>" should be included in the Subject line.  If you don't
realize you want to post something graphic until you're typing it in, don't
sweat it.  Just put the "spoiler" string on a line by itself, set off in some
visually striking way so as to warn people.  for example:

			  ***** SPOILER WARNING *****

Even if you do have a spoiler warning in your subject line, it is still a good
idea to have one of these lines anyway.

The first lines of text in the message should identify the sender and the
nature of the material.

Just ahead of the graphic material, there should be a few blank lines and a ^L
(control-L) character, which will terminate the page in many news programs.

The graphic material will follow the ^L.  It should meet the same criteria as
other submissions to ASAR., i.e., it should not be abusive to its readers in
general or any individual, it should be be related to abuse recovery, etc.

If followups are innocuous or of general interest, the "<spoiler>" string
should be removed from the Subject line in followups.  This reduces the volume
of "<spoiler>" warnings so we don't become desensitized to them.

In practice, most people will read the spoiler material.  For them, it still
provides an opportunity to prepare emotionally for the material.

2.2.3)   What's Great, What's OK, What's Unacceptable  (by Jason Black)

It's great to share your stories on ASAR.  Writing them down can be very good
for the soul.  It's great to give encouragement to others for the courage and
strength they show.  In general, it's a good thing to present a positive and
constructive attitude on the group.  That's what helps people.

E-hugs are ok, so long as you don't try to force them on people.  A lot of
people are uncomfortable with such gestures of affection, so the appropriate
thing to do is to offer "e-hugs if you want them."  And be sensitive to other
people's desires.  If someone indicates that they would rather not be offered
e-hugs, don't.  
It's ok to disagree with people.  In fact, disagreement can lead to very good
and thought provoking discussions.  However, one should make some effort to be
tactful and considerate when disagreeing.  It does no good to make a good point
in a belligerent manner.  People are easily turned off by abrasive presentation
of an idea.

Criticizing people as opposed to their ideas is not helpful.  Flaming others is
not acceptable.  Generally, any behavior that is deemed abusive, hurtful or
counterproductive is unacceptable.  If you post something which is unacceptable
the odds are very good that someone will let you know, generally by posting in
return.  If what you posted was misunderstood, or you didn't know that you were
being hurtful, simply posting an apology or clarification will suffice.  ASAR
readers are amazingly forgiving.

2.2.4) "Meta" discussions.  (by Laurie Mann)

I would like to urge people to avoid meta-discussions in ASAR.

A meta-discussion is on which does not discuss the issue at hand (supporting
abuse survivors), and, instead, gets all wrapped up in political agendas and
personality bashing.  I've seen some groups go completely down the tubes over
this issue, and I don't want to see it happen here.

If someone's attitude bothers you, put them in your kill file.  If they seems
more than a little annoying, try writing them personal mail. (Warning- this
rarely works) If they are genuinely abusive, forward their mail to their
postmaster.  (Do the last only as a last resort)

This section, were it a post, is an example of a meta-discussion (or a
meta-meta-discussion)

The point being that it is counter-productive to fill the discussion on ASAR
with posts about how someone else is posting.  Such discussions are better off
conducted in e-mail, or avoided alltogether.

3.     Safety   (by Jason Black)
3.1)   Is posting to a public place safe?

By and large, yes.  If it weren't, ASAR wouldn't be thriving like it is.  It is
true that anyone with net access can potentially read this group.  And with the
sensitive nature of the topic material, it is understandible if you don't want
to post using your real name, or in any other traceable way.  That's what the
APS is for.  Most people feel that the benefits of participating in ASAR far
outweigh any risks.

3.2)   What do I do if I feel attacked in the group?  (by Jason Black and m&m)

Don't stand by and let it happen!  Stick up for yourself, and marvel at the
number of people who stick up for you too.  I have not seen a case yet where
someone felt attacked and wasn't supported by others in the group.  Of course,
there are two sides to everything, and unless the person disagreeing with you
is extremely blatant in their attack, expect other people to support that
person also.  Don't take it personally; different people think different
things.  Keep in mind that all types read ASAR.  Not everyone who reads has the
best of intentions.  Everything you read should be taken with a grain of salt,
since the people responding to you don't actually *know* you.  They're reading
your posts, and extrapolating a lot more about your situation than they
probably should.  But that's human nature.  If you feel that someone is
attacking you, or has said something that doesn't apply to you, you are free to
brush it off.  Every newsreader I've seen provides the ability to filter out
posts that you don't want to see.  If someone is constantly getting on your
nerves, you can have your newsreader filter out posts by that person.  Presto,
no more problem.

When I feel attacked by SA my first reaction is to retreat and I am very
disoriented.  Almost physically disoriented.  Its about as close as I come to
what I have heard others describe as dissociating.

The thing that diffuses our anger quicker than just about anything else is for
me to tell SA how I *felt* when I *judged* she was attacking me.  And
concentrate on *my* feelings.  It is very difficult to do and usually I will
write her a letter rather than try to do it 'off the cuff'.  Its not a
cure-all, and is a little scarey since I often think I am making myself
vulnerable after I have jsut been attacked.  But actually I am not making
myself vulnerable if I don't have this complete expectation she will fall all
over herself apologizing to me.  By verbalizing my feelings I am really just
accepting those feelings in myself.  I am sharing them with her from a position
of strength, they are a way of defining my boundaries.

One other minor point is that it is very useful for me to make sure I go beyond
expressing feelings of anger.  Usually anger for me is result of my feeling
hurt.  I have an extremely difficult time experiencing feelings of hurt and
pain so I quickly convert these & hide them with anger.  When I can get to the
feelings underlying the anger I understand much clearer what is going on within
me.

3.3)   What does the group do when a person is abusive?

Generally, the response is pretty amazing.  We have had two glaring cases where
abusive personalities have intruded into our carfully constructed healing
place.  In both cases, we sent mail to those people asking that they stop their
abusive behavior.  In both cases, they didn't, so we then started sending mail
to their postmasters and local system administrators.  In one case, the local
postmaster didn't really care, but the person realized they weren't wanted and
weren't bothering us as much as he thought, so he got bored and left.  In the
other, the local system administrator had a talk with the person about net
etiquette and rights versus priveleges, and the person stopped.  Generally, we
do not put up with abuse from anywhere.  It's part of our healing.  If you want
to be abusive, go somewhere else because we won't let you abuse us.

3.4)  Hints for partners of survivors (by JASO)

1. Make sure you are getting the help *you* need to deal with the strain of
being an SO, *especially* during the rough period when your loved one is
becoming aware of what has been done to them and by whom.  You can't be any
good to somebody else if you're all wrapped up in your own issues. This doesn't
mean you should treat your loved one like an idiot, and never bring up things
that bother you; it means that you need to remember that your loved one has
been grievously injured in the past, and this injury is scattered through their
psyche like a minefield.  Some of things that you need to sort out with
*somebody* should not be brought up with *them* because the topic, or the fact
that you are angry, or the fact that you are being assertive, or some other
wierd intersection with the circumstances of their injury is going to hurt them
even worse.  So consult a professional; you'll learn a lot.

2. Your relationship with your loved one is probably going to be a bit
unconventional :-) If you are the same gender as the perp then some suppressed
anger may pop out and land on you when you did nothing to deserve it. Or you
may come home after a hard day at the whatever, start unburdening yourself
about how miserable your life is, and then in the middle of this discover that
your loved one has been thinking about suicide all day. So now you feel like a
jerk, and your day was still bad.  Or your loved one will need hugs and holding
but will be in a seriously non-sexual mood.  And in the course of holding and
hugging you will start to feel sexual, and now the two of you are *seriously*
crosswise. Reread Rule 1.

3. Work at encouraging your loved one to get professional help.  You can't be
their therapist: you aren't trained for it, you haven't got the time, and
you're too involved.  I always recommend starting out with, or having therapy
supervised by, a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist because there are
medications that help and things like depression can influence, and be
influenced by, other illnesses in really wierd ways.

4. Do your best to be there when you're needed. Any survivor has, especially in
the case of incest, been subject to an unimaginable breach of trust. They need
to rebuild the ability to connect with another human being and rely on them.
During the tough times the relationship may seem awfully one-sided. Try not to
blame your loved one, and work out your annoyance/anger with whoever is helping
you (Aha! Rule 1 again!).

5. Your loved one may have serious flashbacks or psychological episodes
triggered by scenes in movies; they may have what appear to be extremely
irrational fears of crowds, the indoors, the outdoors, nightfall, other dumb
stuff.  They may wake up in the middle of the night with big-time anxiety
attacks. Try to be sensitive to these concerns and learn what to avoid (and,
less paternalistically, discuss beforehand).  Check on the movie before you go;
leave in the middle if it's getting to be too much for your loved one.  Work
out your feelings about the ruined night out/date/dinner/trip with whoever is
helping you (good old Rule 1 again).  Try not blame yourself when you screw up;
some things you just can't predict.

6. (This is tough, but could be important.) Think hard in advance about how you
would handle an emergency.  Under what circumstances would you call 911?  Do
you know the therapist's name?  Do you have the phone number handy?  What
medications is your loved one taking?  If you're not a legal spouse, who's
going to vouch for your status in your loved one's life?  Is there somebody
else (parent, ex-SO, the perp) who is liable to wade in and make things worse?
If so, what might you be able to do about it? Think about all this ugly stuff,
get mad about it, and talk about it with whoever is helping you (Surprise!
Rule 1!).  Then file it away in the back of your mind and get on with your
lives together.

And finally, a rough rule taught me by a wise old shrink: you can gauge how
depressed somebody else is by how depressed *you* feel when you're around them.


4.    Frequently Discussed Issues

Having dealt with the administrative issues, on to the real stuff.  What
follows are the results of some good discussions we've had on some topics that
apply to a lot of ASAR readers.

4.1)   What can/can't ASAR do for me?   (by Matt Fields)

If you are a bit unclear as to the actual usefulness of ASAR, then you may
find interest in this list.  This is what people commonly see as the benefits
and shortcomings of ASAR.

ASAR can	* Let you know that sexual abuse is common.
		* Let you know you are not alone in your despair or recovery.
		* Give you a basis for evaluating your own (possible) abuse.
		* Support you when you are otherwise isolated.
		* Show others' struggles for recovery.
		* Provide resource lists for help and information.
		* Encourage you to seek help locally.
		* Provide guidelines for selecting help locally, including
		* Provide guidelines for selecting a therapist.
		* Provide support while you are recovering.
		* Provide a place to talk about abuse issues nobody else
		  wants to hear.
		* Encourage you to protect yourself from sources of abuse.
		* Provide feedback about what you are thinking or doing.
		* Allow you to share your sorrows and triumphs.
		* Make known to the general community (whoever bothers to
                  read this group, possibly including abusers) the positions
                  of a number of sexual abuse survivors.
		* Act as a form of self-therapy

ASAR can't	* Decide you were sexually abused.
		* Clear you of sexual abuse.
		* Protect you from your abusers.
		* Protect you from abusive net posters.
		* Take the place of a professional therapist

4.2)   Can I start another thread on these topics?

Generally, yes.  If you feel that a topic is relevant to your healing, then by
all means bring it up.  Odds are that there are others out there who agree with
you or have the same concerns and would like to talk about it.  Starting a
thread about the latest Mets' baseball scores would be a bit inappropriate, but
starting a thread about how the charges of rape against three major leage
baseball players make you feel would be quite appropriate.  If you're not sure,
go ahead and post.  If no one wants to discuss it, the thread won't take off.
It's sort of a self-resolving issue.

4.3)   How can I tell if I've been abused if I have no memories?
(by Kara J Keeter)

Not everyone remembers their abuse.  A lot of survivors of abuse first start
the healing process while still wondering whether or not they had really been
abused.  The important thing is to ease your pain and begin healing.  Begin
applying the principles of healing, and the memories will come when and if you
are ready for them.

If you are experiencing symptoms common to people who have been abused (see
list below), then it would probably be in your best interests to try some of
the methods that have been suggested for healing from abuse.  If you have a
suspicion that maybe you were abused but you aren't quite sure, then maybe it
would be helpful for you to work on healing techniques.  Better safe than
sorry.  Absolutely the most important thing is your own healing from the pain
you are feeling.  You may find something of use to you, even if you never
remember any specific abuse.

Often, people who have been abused as children were told that the abuse didn't
really happen, that the child was making it up or was crazy.  It is very common
for survivors of childhood abuse to have times when they doubt if the abuse
occurred.  Thoughts of "It didn't really happen, I must have been dreaming" or
"What if I'm making it all up" are normal, but if you think you were abused, it
is safer to assume you were abused.  Think of it this way: your subconscious
would not *choose* to inflict on you the pain you are going through.  It is
much more pleasant to be happy and healthy; if you can't be happy and healthy,
and you suspect childhood sexual abuse, then do the things that help promote
healing, even if you don't have specific memories yet.

If you are experiencing both suspicions of abuse and doubts of your suspicions,
trust your suspicions for the time being.  Intuition is frequently right about
this sort of thing.  If you have symptoms of abuse and still can't remember
being abused, just work on your healing.  Memories will come when you are ready
for them.

Another common reaction of survivors is to minimize their abuse; to say, "Well
something happened but nothing that really qualifies as serious abuse" or "What
happened to me isn't as bad as what some people experience, and it doesn't
affect me now anyway".  If what happened to you was significant enough for you
to be questioning and reading this, then it was significant enough for you to
work on healing.  If you were harmed in any way, it was significant, and you
deserve healing.  You are worth it.

In section VI of the FAQ is a list of some common "symptoms" of having been
abused.  Having one or more of these does not catigorically mean that you
*were* abused, but it is a strong indicator.  It does almost surely mean that
there is something in your past that should be worked on, even if it's not
sexual abuse.  If you wonder whether or not you've been abused, you should
probably have a look at this list.

4.4)   Sometimes I think I'm making it all up; am I crazy?  (by Matt Fields)

Unfortunately, we can't tell you whether you're making it all up.  However,
it is not crazy to feel this way, even if bodily scars remind you of
what has happened to you, but most especially if there aren't any that
you can see.  Also, it is statistically very unlikely that you are making this
up.  Cases where people (children mostly) make up stories about being abused
are almost always the result of being coaxed into it by someone else (eg, a
bitter parent during divorce proceedings).  The great majority of people who
have stories of being abused really were abused.

One of the most common traits of abusers is that they demand control over
double-think reality---by this, I mean that they create networks of alibis
for themselves and stories implicating their victims as guilty or unworthy
or stupid or deluded...You may have to ask yourself what part of your
incredulity about your own memory is based on shame which has been
placed on you unfairly by an abuser, and which part deals with conflicting
facts.  For some people, this web of lies is a basic part of the foundation of
their lives, and it can be scary to even contemplate that it needs to be
removed.  However, when these people do tear down the crumbly foundation, they
almost invariably end up re-building something better, stronger, and cleaner
than was there before.

For me, an important early strategy was one of wait-and-see: I gradually
made available for testing and reevaluation basic "facts" that had been
ground into me, such as the idea that parents are always motivated by
their kids' best interest...Over time, it became possible for me to
congeal a knowledge of reality rooted in my own experience rather than
in the attitudes of my abusers towards me.

An important part of coming to feel not crazy was for me to go beyond
recognizing the facts of what had happened to me to realize that they
constituted abuse.  I will not repeat the biographical details here, but
suffice it to say that everyone acknowledged that these acts constituted
abuse except me; when I began to see them that way, getting feedback from
others was especially helpful.  Now, I don't recommend just going and
asking a random co-worker or dorm-mate whether they think action X
constitutes abuse...You're likely to get a weird reaction.   Trusted
friends, carefully picked therapists who have earned your trust, etc.---
these are relatively safe people to confide in, for most people;
existing circles of survivors, like this newsgroup, are also good.

You may ask this question when feeling severely distressed at the
denial techniques of your abusers or at your current condition;  in that
case, I would refer you to the rest of the FAQ for resources which you
may find immediately helpful.

4.5)   How much of my childhood *should* I remember?  
       (by Mary Riley and Jason Black)

A lot of abuse survivors, myself included, have gaps in their memories.  Some
people shut out specific events, and leave the rest alone.  People who were
chronically abused often shut out whole chunks of time.  Sometimes years worth.
This is normal.  If your world view includes "parents don't have sex with their
kids" and yet your parents were doing that to you, then the memory is
incompatible with your belief system.  Putting it into the attic, so to speak,
is a common way of resolving the inconsistancy.

There isn't really any set amount that you *should* remember.  As much as you
feel comfortable remembering or need to remember is a good guideline.
Sometimes new memories wait until your belief system can accomodate them before
they show up.  Sometimes memories will show up that help you to understand more
truthfully what reality is or was for you.  So the short form answer is:
whatever you need to know, You will.  You may remember nothing, you may
remember everything, but chances are you'll be somewhere in between most of the
time.  My experience -- with myself and survivor friends -- is that the
subconscious mind is kind and considerate, and won't drop a brick on your head
unless it knows you're already looking up to see the brick fall.  When you're
ready to remember, you will.  If you're not, don't sweat it.


4.6)   Medication:  to take or not to take?

If your therapist has suggested taking medications to control your depression,
mood swings, etc, you very probably have questions as to whether or not you
should take it.  There are two rather vocal schools of thought on this issue.

One is that just because the medication is for a mental affliction is no reason
not to take it.  If your body was sick, and a doctor prescribed penicillin, for
example, you would probably take it.  It helps you get better.  How are mood
altering medications different?  If it helps you get better, why should you not
use it?

The other school of thought says that they would no way, no how take into their
body some sort of foreign substance that's going to alter the way they interact
with the world.  Sure they may make you *feel* better, but it's a drug induced
better.  That's somehow artificial, and less real than really healing.  These
people see mood altering drugs as a crutch, and they are determined to be
strong enough to not use the crutch.

There are good points in both of these positions.  On the one hand, this
recovery stuff is hard!  Why make it harder by not taking something that will
help?  On the other hand, drugs would seem to take some of the control out of
one's life.  For survivors for whom control is a serious issue, there is reason
not to take these medications.  

There is much more to this issue than is presented here.  Talk with your
therapist or doctor about the effects of these drugs, and do some serious
thinking as to why you would want to/not want to take them.  You should
probably also read the section below on common medications prescribed to
survivors (section 6.4).

4.7)   Cutting and self-mutilation:  Why do I do it and how can I stop?
     (by Jason Black)

What is cutting (am I a cutter)?
     Sadly, it is fairly common for survivors of sexual abuse (and other types
of power abuse) to indulge in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting.
Cutting is willful injury to one's self using something sharp.  Obviously, the
motivations for cutting can lead to other forms of self-mutilation (I used to
pull out eyelashes and locks of hair, for instance) besides actual
bloodletting.  The key point is that all of them hurt, and all of them cause
some sort of damage to one's body.  On ASAR, the phenomenon has become
known in general as "cutting" because more people seem to have specifically
cut themselves than hurt themselves in other ways.  This is not to invalidate
anyone else's experiences, it's just that "cutting" has become a convenient
label.

Why do I do it?
     There are several theories as to why people indulge in self-mutilation.
One is that it's a control issue.  When children are abused, they are in a
situation of no control.  Their abuser(s) can hurt them any time, and the
children are largely (if not completely) powerless to stop it.  When the child
grows older and is faced with stressful situations, there is often a strong
desire/expectation for some sort of pain, since pain is associated with stress
in that person's mind.  People who have had these associations forced on them
frequently cut themselves because this is a pain that satisfies the psycho-
logical desire for pain, and is *also* a pain that the victim can stop.  At
last the person is in control.  And while the cutting itself is harmful and
can cause shame and guilt later, I can tell you that the control feels good.

     Another theory is that people who were abused as children often have been
taught (by their abusers, or by others who have denied the child's experiences
as being valid) that they are bad people, who should by all rights be
punished.  Sometimes people like this turn to behaviors like sado-masochism,
or bondage-and-dominance in order to get the punishment that they want.
Others can't ask others to punish them, so they punish themselves with
cutting.

     A third theory is that cutting is a manifestation of a desire to become
physically unattractive.  This is often true of girls who are constantly
bombarded with messages (overt and subtle) that they are beautiful and
therefore desirable.  They naturally reason that if they make themselves
unattractive, no one will rape them because they will be undesirable.  This
chain of reasoning can also lead to compulsive eating behaviors that leave the
abuse victim overweight and thus outside of what this society calls
attractive. 

    Of course, every person is different, and there are many less common
theories as to why people are cutters.  If you are a cutter and don't fit any
of the above models, so what?  That doesn't mean your situation is
fundamentally different or less valid.  Also, it is common for more than one
of these thought patterns acting in concert to produce some very complicated
rationales for self-mutilation.  These desires can be quite strong, and often
a cutter will not know why s/he indulges in such behavior.  I didn't know why
I cut myself for a long time; all I knew was that it hurt but I really
couldn't stop myself.  I liked the pain, because it meant that I was strong.
Strong enough to overcome my own natural instinct to avoid pain, and strong
enough to endure the pain without crying out.  For me, there was something
about seeing real red blood coming out of lines in my skin that made me feel
very alive (a powerful thing during a time in my life when I felt/wished
otherwise that I was dead).

What are the results of cutting?
     Cutting is a mixed bag, but most people agree that in the balance it's a
bad thing.  Cutting can make you feel powerful.  It can make you feel in
control.  It hurts, and that can make you feel alive.  But it also can make
you feel guilty for "being some kind of a sicko," and feel shame for having
done it.  Those are the sort of things that take away from one's self-esteem.
And of course, a lack of self-esteem can lead people into bad relationships and
other non-healthy situations.  Mental concerns aside, cutting causes real
physical damage to your body.  There is also the possibility for infection
and/or tetanus (especially if unclean steel implements are used for the
cutting).  

How do I stop?
     If you are a cutter, you probably want to stop.  The following are some
of the arguments against cutting.  Reading them should give you some good
clues as to how to stop.  At the end of this section is my story of cutting
and how I stopped.

     Cutting is damage.  By cutting you injure your body.  This is not a good
thing.  Your body is important.  It's the only one you've got and it should be
taken care of.  It would be harder to live a fully happy life with a damaged
body, especially if part of that damage you did yourself.

     Cutting is abuse.  As a sexual abuse survivor, you've already been
subjected to more abuse than anyone should be.  Your abusers hurt you, why
should you heap more abuse on yourself?  You don't deserve that kind of crap.

     By cutting yourself, you're buying into an unhealthy behavior pattern
that was taught to you when you were a child.  What happened to you then was
wrong, and perpetuating that behavior pattern now isn't healthy for you either.
There may be some security in familiarity, but most people agree that it's not
worth the heartache.

     Cutting often stems from a desire for control.  Take real control of your
life and yourself and stop.

     I was a cutter.  Here is what made me stop.  First, I *wanted* to stop.
That's important, because I believe that you can't change your own behavior
unless you want to.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.  I would get stressed out,
cut myself, feel better, and then feel shameful and guilty.  Finally, a good
friend of mine talked some sense into me and made me realize that I was just
giving myself more abuse.  Until then, I hadn't realized that's what I was
doing.  I decided that I would just not let myself do it any more.  I simply
and stubbornly refused.  I've always had problems with self control, and
breaking promises to myself, so this was a good test for me, one which I'm
proud to say I passed.  One thing that helped me not relapse into cutting was
finding alternate methods of releasing stress.  Running up and down the stairs
in my dorm worked pretty well for me.  There were times after I decided to
stop when I wanted to cut myself, and had I not had established alternate
things to do to relieve stress, I probably would have given in.  Don't get the
idea that merely deciding not to cut myself anymore was all it took to remove
the impulses and desire to do so; far from it.  It took a few months of doing
other things when faced with that impulse to change my behavior pattern.  

     That's my story.  I hope it and the other information helps you or
someone you know to become a healthier and happier person.  

4.8)   What I have to say isn't worth talking about.  Why should I post?
       (by Lisa Nofzinger)

This is a very common fear.  Frequently those of us who were abused were
taught that what we have to say is invalid and not worth anything to other
people.  We were taught that we were stupid and that others' opinions were
worth more than our own.  In this group, all have an equal voice and everyone
can learn from everyone else.  This is a good place to unlearn harmful rules
that we learned as children.

Perhaps something that you say may seem stupid or irrelevant to you but might
help someone else.  Frequently in the group people will say, "Thanks for
sharing--this really helped me" or "It's good to know I'm not alone."  You
never know until you post!   Even if it does not help someone else, many of
us have found that writing about our feelings and experiences on the net is
very therapeutic.  We come to validate ourselves and what we've gone
through.  We grow in self-understanding.  Others may write and give us
support, and we do the same for them.   It's OK to talk here.  We'll listen.

4.9)   Should I forgive my abuser(s)?  (by Mary Riley and Jason Black)

Forgiveness is a difficult issue for a lot of survivors, because we are
frequently pushed by others to forgive the abusers.  Either because it's the
"christian thing to do" or "you don't want to break up the family, do you?" or
any other number of reasons.  

It is important to realize that you are not obligated to forgive anyone for
anything, ever.  If someone hurts you, it is completely up to you to decide
whether or not to forgive them.  A lot of the time people will want you to
forgive so they can absolve themselves of responsibility for what they did.  If
you forgive them, they don't have to feel bad about it.

If forgiving them is something you want to do, then do it.  If you think it is
something that will, for whatever reason, help *you* then by all means forgive.
But if you are being pressured from outside sources, or you just don't want to
forgive that person, then don't.  You don't have to.  Forgiving is in some
sense a way of saying "what you did to me was allright."  There's nothing wrong
with not wanting to send that message to your abuser.

So *should* you forgive your abuser?  No.  Can you?  Sure, if it's what you
want. 


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