From: hartman@informix.com (Robert Hartman)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery,alt.support
Subject: Re: New in Recovery, need words on relatioships
Date: 22 Dec 92 19:44:36 GMT
Organization: Informix Software, Inc.

In article <1992Dec16.192810.18999@athena.cs.uga.edu> heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) writes:
>
>	OK. OK. OK.  I've heard from everyone on this. I've read about
>it in the Big Book, Twelve and Twelve and some other books. I've
>talked to my sponsor about it.  ...

>Somehow or another I just can't deal.

It seems to me that the basic answer is right here.  I guess I'd
start working Steps 1-3 on the relationship issue, although it
sounds like you are.

>	I've been sober for about 5 months now, and I am (of course)
>dealing with a lot of things that I havent' dealt with sober before.
>One of them is my obsession with being (or not being) in a
>relationship.

To me, an addiction is a behavior pattern that I can't control, and an
obsession is thinking pattern that I can't control.  Like an addiction,
an obsession keeps me distracted from some underlying unresolved pain.

In my experience, the strength of the obsession is directly related
to the strength of the underlying pain, and the only way out of the
obsession is to become willing to face up to that pain, with the
help of one's HP, and bear it.

> ... I know, I know, I know. I've heard it before "You should
>really avoid starting relationships early in recovery because you'll
>be experiencing a lot of raw feelings you've never dealt with before.
>You need to have a strong foudnation in sobriety first. etc., etc., ad
>nauseum.
>	But now I find myself focusing on a particular someone with
>whom I could have a relationship, maybe even a good one. I want to do
>it, but at the same time I know that (With only 5 months under my
>belt) I still have trouble dealing with everyday things, let alone all
>the baggage that I know comes with relationships. (What am I talking
>about!? I don't know anything about relationships! I've never been in
>one! All I know about relationships I learned from reading self-help
>books and from watching the Oprah Winfrey Show.).

One thing about obsessions: once you begin to recognize them, they're
full of clues about the underlying pain.  So when my mind focuses on a
person or an activity in an unhealthy way, I can ask myself what it is
that I want from that person or activity.  It's kind-of like doing an
inventory.  I ask myself what that person will provide me, and why it
is that I can't seem to provide that for myself.  This usually gets the
juices flowing and connects me with the pain.  After surviving
withdrawal, it's gratifying to know that I can bear the pain and get
support in bearing it whenever it feels overwhelming.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the obsession contains the clues to
resolve the pain that drives it.  It can tell you the areas in which
you're feeling deprived.  As long as you dance around it by focusing on
the object of your obsession (the "magic" relationship or the "magic"
person), you'll miss those clues.  So my suggestion is that whenever
you catch yourself obsessing, to focus on the obsession itself.  Study
it.  Write about it.  Articulate it with your sponsor in complete
detail.  And most importantly, accept it and treat yourself with love.
It's a terribly painful condition to be in.

>	Yet, I'm also afraid that if I jump on this opportunity I
>might miss out on something good (and I'm not convinced that the
>chance will come back around again). I dunno. I've always been
>neurotic about how much I hate being single. Maybe I'm buying into
>this whole "relationships are the be-all and end-all of exsitance"
>mentatlity.  I dunno.

Maybe, but if you are, there's a reason for it that the object of
your obsession can't explain.

>	But I'm afraid to put my sobriety at risk this early on. I'm
>also afraid I'm going to end up a lonely, little old man who wears
>tweed and spends his days walking his absurdly groomed little dog. And
>I'm only 23.

OK, so you can see the absurdity in it.  That's a clue.  It's not an
indictment.  There's some real fear and some real pain there.

>	Now that I've ranted and raved, does anyone out there have any
>helpful hints?  C'mon folx, here a newbie in need of your experience,
>strength and hope.

Many of us became addicts because we never learned how to take care of
our emotional needs.  It's not uncommon for people who are newly sober
to want to get those long-buried emotional needs met.  However,
getting someone else to do it doesn't help a person learn how to do it
for oneself, and that's the ultimate key to sobriety.  A person who
hasn't learned how to care for his own emotional needs doesn't have
much of a chance at making a relationship work.  And it takes time to
learn that.  So I suspect that working through this obsession might
be an important part of your program.

This may sound perverse, but there's some real wisdom behind the saying
that you probably aren't ready for a relationship until you no longer
crave one.

-r