From: hartman@informix.com (Robert Hartman)
Newsgroups: alt.support,alt.recovery
Subject: Re: ANGER!!!!!!!
Date: 19 Nov 92 21:40:37 GMT
Organization: Informix Software, Inc.

In article <1992Nov17.181707.22193@athena.cs.uga.edu> heath@athena.cs.uga.edu (Terrance Heath) writes:
>
>	Forgive me guys & gals, but I gotta vent for a second or two.
>I'm 4 months sober and still not quite used to dealing with everyday
>emotions this way. The main one I'm having trouble with is anger.

No problem.  It's a hard one for all of us.

> ... Now I'm dealing with it sober, and I'm not
>sure I'm dealing with it well. I know I can't afford to get angry, or
>at least to let myself stay angry, even if I'm right. (Hell,
>especially if I'm right!).  But I don't know what in the hell to do
>about it. I'd like for it to go away, to be able to send it somewhere
>else, but no one has been able to give me any magic words or any
>sure-fire methods of doing this (I know, I know. "Don't drink and go
>to meetings. And call your sponsor." But I need something to do in the
>moment as well, when anger strikes, and I don't have anywhere to go or
>anyone to call. That's how bad that particular emotion is with me.)

Hmmm.  One thing that has helped me is not to identify myself with
the feeling.  There is a big difference between saying, "I _feel_
angry," and "I _am_ angry."  When I identify myself with the
anger, I'm lost.  When I identify the anger as something that I
feel, I can contain it, and I can even enjoy feeling it.  Although
it is a powerful feeling, it's just a feeling.  And when I regard it
that way, it doesn't cloud my judgement to such an extent that I
feel the need to struggle against it.  I can let my anger be, and
wait until it's subsided before deciding what to do about the
circumstances that triggered it, if anything.

>	Today, it was an inividual. One of my supervisors at work,
>with whom I've had a personality difference from day-one. We just
>don't get along. However, most of the time I try to stay out of her
>way and just do what she tells me to do. But when I feels she's lit
>into me unfairly, I speak up about it. (I've always been like that,
>and I don't see it changing anytime soon.) I stand up for myself when
>I need to, but I try to do it in a polite way.

Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with that to me.
Could be inconvenient at times, but certainly your choice.

> ... I think she's looking
>for a way to get rid of me (I'm already on probation for some errors
>I've made, but yesterday my REAL boss - the one who has the final say
>- told me that I have been improving.) So today, while I'm doing my
>job (stamping books) she comes up to me and says "There's no need to
>be so loud, Terrance. I know what you're doing." And walked off.  ...
>	What worries me is that this job is what stands between me and
>financial disaster right now, and I need to keep it. That's why  I've
>been watching myself and watching my work. Everyone else on the job
>thinks I'm pleasant to work with, except this one woman, and I don't
>know what to do about it. I can't change the way she feels about me,
>and I'm not about to brown-nose to her. But I need to keep this job,
>because I've tried finding another, and the pickens are very, VERY
>slim.

So, it seems to me that it isn't just anger we're dealing with here
but fear.  I know that it is often typical for me to mask my fear
with anger.  Most boys are taught to do that.  It helps me to keep
the two sorted out.  Sometimes it's appropriate for me to act angry
when I'm scared.  But most times it's not.  So when I get "angry,"
the first thing I try to do is to check in for fear.  Fear masked
as anger has gotten me into more difficulties than I care to remember.

With regard to the fear, I would suggest turning over the things you
can't change in your workplace to your HP on a moment-by-moment basis.
If you're doing everything you can to make a go of it at work, it will
help to let go of the rest.  Trust your HP.  You're right in saying
that you can't change the way that woman feels about you.  And yet she
appeared to be a threat today.  It appears that you attempted to
manage that threat by reacting with anger, and by asking for
clarification several times from her.  I'd suggest letting your HP
manage that particular threat for a while.  The less you particpate in
angry and frightened dramas with her, the easier it will be for her to
see it when she's being out-of-line with respect to you.

>	Anyway, me and my sponsor are going to have a long talk
>tonight, and I'll probably go to a meeting, just to feel as though I
>have some support.

You do have support.  And not just from people.  Breath easy, OK?
I think you're doing the right thing by talking about it, and by
asking your sponsor and others for help.  You're learning from this,
so at some point the stress will have been worth it.

It's OK to feel the fear and the anger, and it's OK to wait until
you've recovered your serenity before doing anything about those
feelings.

I wish you well,

-r
Newsgroups: alt.support