From: rdippold@qualcom.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: 1800 Tag File Part I
Date: 8 Oct 92 19:15:28 GMT
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA

Thanks much to rolleston_c@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz - he tried to post this
file but couldn't post more than 100 lines or so at a time.  So he
generously uploaded it to wuarchive.wustl.edu under
/pub/MSDOS_UPLOADS.  It's called 1800<something>.  Or, you can get it
from here.

1601
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Company's coming," Tom guessed.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably.
"I just ate a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breat
"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I've lost my flower," said Tom lackadaisically.
"I've struck oil!" Tom gushed.
"If the shoe fits, buy it."  Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Keyboard?  How quaint!" - Scotty
"Lets visit the tomb," said Tom cryptically.
"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously.
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Ships ahoy!" yelled Tom fleetingly.
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"That makes 144," said Tom grossly.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"The maid has the night off," said Tom helplessly.
"This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily.
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found --  (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ?  Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps.  It's not just a good idea.  It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....
A Buddist nudist practices yoga bare.
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A drawing pin is an excited Smartie
A few cans short of a six pack, Six short.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A fool and his money are soon partying!
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A harp is a nude piano.
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forogt..
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A penny saved is ridiculous!
A perversion of nature....how exciting!
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A stage? No, this is not a stage.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Alex Haley was adopted!
All E-mail gladly recieved. Offensive reply ASAP.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All generalizations are bad.
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All hope abandon, ye who press ENTER here
All in all just another brick in the wall.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are green unless they are not.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Alone: In bad company.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Amateur Time Lord
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
And how can this be?  For he IS the Kumquat Haagen
And it's only ones and zeros.
And now for something completely else...
And now for something completely the same...
And now for something ruder...
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
And then it goes... BOOOOOMMMM!!!
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, not just EXE & COM
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
Another fine product from Bastards Inc.
Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! *
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs ther\C
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencys.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain disfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse:  I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP:  One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING:  AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND:  A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH:  Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution:  Contents under pressure
Caution:  Hungry Dieter   May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body:  take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Asprin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!!  Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucious say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucious say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucious say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucious say: I didn't say that!
Confuse People:  Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
DILATE: To live longer.
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
DOS 5.0  Yesterday's operating system, today!
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darth Vadar! Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Database administrators do it with their relations
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Dawson's First Law: You don't have enough outlets.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!
Democracy's GREAT! Even George Bush can chunder!
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dictator - a potato with a penis.
Did I just step on someones toes again?
Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Dime:  a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Disks travel in packs.
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor Who for president
Doctor, my brain hurts!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there, scratch my back!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so damned hard!
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me.  I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me.  You know how I get.
Don't steal - the government hates competition..
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in wierdo.
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
EMS: Enhanced Money Scam
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
Eat Crap!  10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Ego Gratification through Violence
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Email me the rules, please!
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Eschew obfuscation.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Every purchase has its price.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in our favour was aginst us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Exploding piglets!!!  My god, it's raining bacon!
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle.  Never fired.  Dropped once.
Fact is solidified opinion
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagon.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Familiarity breeds children.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
Felines... nothing more than felines...
Fer sell cheep:  IBM spel chekker.  Wurks grate.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition
First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
For the finest in brain candy.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forget the computer!  Where's my abacus??
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
GET A HAIRCUT!
GODISNOWHERE
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
General Failure reading John Dvorak
Genitalia is not an Italian airline.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch  and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Lemmings, Go!!!
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God does not play dice.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
God is love...  Love is blind...  Ray Charles is God!
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Goodness has NOTHING to do with it.....
Gotta love me!
Gravity brings me down
Gravity doesn't exist.  The Earth sux.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Greed is good!  Greed is right!  Greed works!
Grow your own dope...   plant a man
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
Grub first, then ethics.
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
Guten TAG.
H lp!  S m b d  st l  ll th  v w ls fr m m  k yb  rd!
HAL 9000, you're pretty drunk aren't you Dave?
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
Hackito ergo sum.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip.
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
Hard work must have killed someone!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
He's dim, Jed
Heads I win... DITTO tails
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help!  I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help!  I've been stuck in here for years and years...
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
Hey!  This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey!! When in Doubt Whip it Out!!!!
Hey, shit happens!
Hi!  I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
Honest!  It's only a cold sore!
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Housework done properly, can kill you
Houston! do you read.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
How do you pronounce my name?   With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
I always get my muckin words fuddled
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
I am both of us & so are you.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley.
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
I apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke
I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
I came... I saw... I stole your tagline.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could prove God statistically.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I give advice worth the price....free!
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I guess a cynic smells different.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point
I have given my pain a name..!!
I have seen the evidence.  I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I just bought a cured ham.  Wonder what it had?
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know everything about everything, except that.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like two kinds of women: domestic and foreign.
I like women with big... HEARTS!  YEAH! THAT's it!
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I look better on a woman!
I lost a button hole today.
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like!
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I post.......... I am
I promise results, not promises.
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell
I think, therefore I am.  I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think................I am paid.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back..
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
I'll eat anything that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll get you my pretty,  and your little dog too!
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm making a career of evil.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm new and whats all this then?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontially disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not on drugs.  I am drugs.
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm schizophrenic, What are you?
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had fun before.  This isn't it.
I've upped my standards, SO UP YOURS!
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
IF numcooks > .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it has tits or tyres, there will be problems.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams it's not food......yet.  <<Evil Grin>>
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you prick me, do I not get turned on?
If you see an onion ring, ANSWER IT!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you're a typical student, consider the fact there is
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush..
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
Ignorance can be cured.  Stupid is forever.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Inertia makes the world go round.
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Innuendo: Italian Suppository.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Insert inevitable trivial witicism of your choice.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"
Iraqi Bingo  B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Is FIDO a dog?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
Is it possible to feel gruntled.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
Is this a machine?  I don't talk to machines!  [Click]
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't easy being easy.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It depends on which end he tries to light.
It did what?  Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is broke.  It will not work.  It does not go.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It works better if you plug it in.
It's Tekonojikly better!
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's an ill wind that gathers no moss.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM..
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
It's more than a reader.  It's a message base manager!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
It's only ones and zeros.
It's over when the fat lady sits on your face.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not your nose.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's true, forgiveness IS easier to get than permission
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Ivan Poorovitch, Russia's new premier.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
JOYSTICK:  Peripheral used by consulting adults.
James Bond rules.  00K.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jeez if you love honkus
Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question
Jesus Saves!  But Gretzky scores on the rebound.
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!
Jesus saves, Gretsky steals, he shoots, HE SCORES!
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Junior! Quit playing with your floppy.
Junk - stuff we throw away.  Stuff - junk we keep.
Just because you're STUPID ain't no excuse.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
Just how much leg have I got
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
Keep NZ Beautiful....  emigrate.
Keep NZ beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kill them all!  .... Let God sort them out.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Kleptomania: take something for it
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know God...No peace.  No God...Know peace.
Know what I hate?  I hate rhetorical questions!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
Land of the Single Entendre...
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Liberal - a power worshipper without power.
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's a witch, then you fly.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Likes and dislikes are among my favourites
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand.  Divorce is twenty grand.
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
-- 
Put people on hold when possible.
Newsgroups: rec.humor