From: jtice@butterfly.UVic.CA (Jason W. Tice)
Subject: Re: Needing not to Need
Organization: University of Victoria, Victoria, BC, Canada
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 92 19:21:54 GMT

In article <BM9L6v.1yq@world.std.com> unicorn@world.std.com (unicorn) writes:
=
=I could swallow all the affection a woman could show, and come back for 
=seconds and thirds.  The reasons don't matter, 

	Oh, I really think you are wrong here.  The reasons matter very
	much.  For the sake of this conversation/thread, they don't matter,
	becasue everyone has different reasons.  I like to think that we
	all need. Every one of us.  

=what matters is that the need starts showing and the woman gets 
=scared.  The fact that I give as much, if not more, is unimportant.
=
	What I suspect happened was that you were not able to communcicate
	WHY you need, or where the need stems from.  In your case, with
	as little to go on as I have, I might think that she got scared, yes.
	but not scared of you; scared instead, of thinking that she wasn't 
	giving you enough--not knowing how to give you what you need.

=The tradegy is that the only time that I feel like I have a chance of 
=freeing myself from my deep seeded need is when I am with a woman.  

	Ok... I take it your friends don't help?  do you have a support
	network?  it is really important to know there are people you can
	talk to, and just spill whatever you feel/think to. I'm spending a
	lot of time in the pub with a couple of friends these days, becasue 
	I don't want my girlfriend (who has her own problems--we all do) to
	be the sole recipient of my burden. Perhaps this woman in question
	honestly couldn't handle it. DOn't give up.  Everyone needs to depend
	on people emotionally.  But you've got to try to avoid depending on 
	only ONE person explicitly.

= I start taking emotional changces again, risking, living.  But with that 
=comes dealing with old pain and rejection that has been hidden for eons.

	Communication. Tell her.  Tell where the pain and rejection is
	coming from.  Tell her you're messed up becasue of your history.
	Noone should go into a relationship expecting the other person had
	no history.  That's naive (but it happens all too often--at least
	it has for me).

=Then I start needing affection to overcome the the old pains, ( putting some
=of them to rest forever ) and the woman starts getting nervous or 
=disillusioned and starts pulling away and I start holding on, and the 
=vicious cycle ends with me having even more pain to overcome and no one
=to help me.  So, it gets added to the collection.
=
	If she knows where the pain/grief/rejection comes from, she will
	have a better idea of how to show you the affection she needs, when 
	to back off, etc.  However, she also has a history.  She might have
	felt that the way you were acting was too close to another situation
	in her life, that wasn't particularly pleasant.  there are a lot of 
	"if's".
	
=So tell me please, how do you give up the need?  How do you ignore the 
=fact that you can actually have what you always want?  When I'm with a
=woman I care about I feel like a starving man at a banquet.  But when I
=start wolfing down food, I get kicked out.  How can I stop wolfing?
=

	Please, I know it's hard.  but don't give up the need. Don't even
	try.  If you give it up, you ignore it.  It stays with you.  That
	will only mess you up more.

	You don't have to, I know, but I ask you to trust me on this one.
	I'm finaly coming to terms with issues and problems of pain, rejection
	and grief in my life.  No doubt my girlfriend has found me most 
	difficult, but I try to talk to her.  I try to tell her why I need
	to hear/see her love.  I think she understands, but the fear of losing
	her is always going to be there to some degree or another. 

	I can see a time when, once I've dealt with the emotional stuff,
	have gotten through part of the healing process, I'll be able to 
	make less demands on her.  and I will heal.  and I hope you will too.

=Any suggestions?

	Don't give up. Don't become the image without substance. Keep
	the faith, in time, come to see where everything within you comes 
	from.  Try to understand yourself, Try to understand your friends.  
	Try to understand the next woman you are involved with.  Try to heal.

	It will not be easy; I'm sure of that.  But the end result will
	definitely be worth the effort, the pain.  thats the assumption 
	I'm going on.  There has t obe something better than living in pain.

	Good luck, my friend,

	Jason
-- 
I am not who you seem to think I'm claiming you think I am.

"It was a strange Position to see yellow"  --David Hume
							jtice@nero.uvic.ca
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