HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 4:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: goldstein@arecibo.aero.org (SAMUEL GOLDSTEIN)
Subject: Typographer's Twiddle
Keywords: chuckle, true, original

OK, it all started when my semi-mythical and nonexistant friend Ikiru
decided to teach karate on campus. He went through the whole process of
getting room permits and all, and decided to put together a poster to
advertise the class. So he read all those old Charles Atlas ads and those
endless ju-jitsu and hopkido blurbs in the back of the comic books, and he
came up with the following poster:

 /----------------------------------------------------------------\
 |                        M A R T I A L   A R T S                 |
 |                                                                |
 |           - Learn Ancient Asian Techniques                     |
 |           - Develop Impressive Skills                          |
 |           - Learn the Art of Control                           |
 |           - Build Self-Confidence                              |
 |           - Protect Yourself                                   |
 |           - Train with exotic Impliments                       |
 |           - Achieve your Maximum Potential                     |
 |                                                                |
 |         New Class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, 7:00 PM	  |
 |                                                                |
 \----------------------------------------------------------------/

The poster was adorned with a large script Japanese character, which Ikiru 
admitted to me was the character for nori, the seaweed that one uses for 
wrapping sushi. But nevertheless, the poster was pretty impressive.

So Ikiru sent the design to the printer, got two hundred copies, and put
them up around campus.

Tuesday night comes, and he arrives at the gym at a quarter of seven. To his 
amazement, there are already around two hundred students there! Now, based 
on his beautiful poster, he had expected a decent-sized group, but this was
extraordinary!

He glanced at his poster, and discovered why. The printer had evidently 
reversed two letters when typesetting the poster: the "T" and the "I" in the 
title had been transposed...


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Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: wvenable@stats.adelaide.edu.au (Bill Venables)
Subject: The nub of the problem
Keywords: chuckle

A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho.  On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.

As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern.  Whereupon one
turned to the other and said

	"The person who did this needs our help!"

--
Bill Venables, Dept. of Statistics,  
Univ. of Adelaide, South Australia. 
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Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 4:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Bill Clinton
From: NGSIPPEL@miavx2.ham.muohio.edu (THE KING'S QUEST MASTER)
Keywords: topical, chuckle




My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes.

Mr. Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!

--
Norman
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Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 12:20:9 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Fairy-tale canidacy
From: JX655C@gwuvm.gwu.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk

News item: Democratic presidential candidate Jerry Brown announced that the
Reverend Jesse Jackson was his unofficial choice as his running mate.

This could give us the first fairy-tale White house:  President Moonbeam and
Vice-President Rainbow.

__
PJ Geraghty, NR/DC/MDEMT-A; NREMT-P2B

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Date: Wed, 15 Apr 92 19:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Polls (original)
From: JRP1@phx.cam.ac.uk (JonathanR. Partington)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Why the polls got the U.K. General Election wrong

 Today we ask the big question: why did the 651 Returning
Officers get the result of the General Election wrong?  Several
highly skilful organizations had spent the weeks up to April 9th
in discovering exactly how the U.K. population felt about the
political parties, and yet on polling day it was left to a pack
of unskilled Returning Officers who came to a totally different
conclusion.

 We asked a typical returning Officer, Herbert J. Globsquirtle,
why he got his own result so badly wrong.

 "Well, it's not so easy as you think, Peter. Oh, aren't you
Peter Snow? Sorry. Well you look like him. Anyway, it really
isn't easy. The big polling organizations are able to go out and
interview a specially stratified sample of the people, to measure
swings, and to ask probing questions to discover what people
really think. Now we work much less scientifically. People are
expected to turn up at their local polling station and put a
cross on a bit of paper. This rules out people who have gone on
holiday and not got their postal vote in time, people who have
sprained their fingers, people who can't be bothered to turn up,
people who lose their way or forget what day it is, people who
forget to put their ballot paper in the tin box we provide,
people who are insane clergymen in the House of Lords (e.g. the
Bishop of Durham?), and so on. Then again, the voters lie to us.
They say to themselves, 'I really support the Welsh Nationalists,
but since Cambridge Northwest doesn't have such a candidate, and
my second choice (Monster Raving Loony) has no chance, I'll vote
Liberal Democrat to keep the Tories out.' What kind of nonsense
is that?"

 A typical opinion pollster, Polly Gallup, confirms this view.

 "Well, Peter. Oh aren't you? Sorry. We publish polls with a
scientifically calculated margin of error. We know what's going
on to 17 decimal places. The Returning Officers work much less
scientifically. They have no computers, no published 'margin of
error' figures, nothing but a heap of waste paper with Xs on it.
Moreover we can provide a much more sophisticated analysis of the
voters' wishes. For example, 60% of the male electorate want a
buxom blonde with slightly leftish views, and 72% of the female
electorate want a tall dark handsome Scot with hairy legs. You
won't find such sophisticated questions on the ballot papers,
where they don't even mention the candidates' legs, except in
Irish constituencies."

 Yes, one thing is certain. The days of the Returning Officer are
numbered. Once again they have failed to discover what the
electorate really wants.

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Message-id: <S3c4.539a@looking.on.ca>
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 4:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: University of Karlsruhe, Germany
From: ib09@rz20.rz.uni-karlsruhe.de (Thomas Koenig)
Subject: FORTRAN
Keywords: smirk

Here's a little ditty I dreamt up to go with Billy Joel's song 'Pressure',
about one of the joys of scientific computing.

           FORTRAN

You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN

You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN

All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN

All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN
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Date: Sun, 12 Apr 92 4:30:8 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Unisys Corporation, Devon Engineering Offices
From: mkain@dvnspc1.dev.unisys.com (Mike Kain)
Subject: Butch, the talking dog
Keywords: smirk, heard it, sexual

A guy walks into a bar with a dog.  The bartender stops him, and says that
dogs aren't allowed in the bar, and that the dog will have to stay outside.
"But", the guy says, "this is Butch, the talking dog."

"Really", the bartender says (traditional bartender wit).

"OK, I'll prove it.  He'll fetch the paper."

"Well, a lot of dogs can do that..."

"And pay for it, and return the change? ", the man says.

The bartender replies, "OK, I've got to see this...." 

The man hands the dog a five dollar bill, and tells the
dog to go get him a paper.

The dog replies, "OK, boss."

"And, don't forget my change!", the man yells after the dog.

One hour goes by, and the dog hasn't returned.
Two hours go by, and still no dog.
Three hours go by, and the owner is starting to get worried, so he goes out to
find the dog.  He looks in the alleyway next to the bar, and sure enough,
there is the dog, "in the throws of passion" with a female dog.

"Butch!  You've never done this before!  Why now?"

"Well, boss", Butch said, "I never had five bucks before".

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Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 19:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: FHD@tamcba.bitnet (H. Alan Montgomery)
Subject: Memo, memo, who's got the memo?
Keywords: smirk, true, computer

My best friend just sent me this.
-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-
     This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these
little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday.
     Thursday I got a call from the girl over  at  our  main  office  who
handles  the  technical  memoranda.   She  is  in  charge  of  preparing,
numbering,   filing,  and  archiving  these  important  documents   which
eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product.
Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so  popular
around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type  their  own
and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she
just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number
to avoid confusion.
     Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of
specific memos.   I was a little amused  (and  horrified)  since  she  is
supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and
then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos,
but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies.
I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with  her
a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go.
     Now here's the funny part: Today I  get  a  memo  from  one  of  the
project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently  he
wanted me to review them,  and asked Estella to make  him  copies  so  he
could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she  sent  to
me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material  I'm
supposed to review? Me.
     Sometimes  I  think  the  whole  state  worker  deal  is   just   an
experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions.
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From: pallio.uucp!dg@mis.ucsf.edu (David Goodenough)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Computer comparisons.
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 12 Apr 92 23:30:05 GMT

Funny one from a radio commercial, heard on KFRC [a local station].

Local Apple dealerships are pushing the old Classic 2's, with all sorts
of deals, like zero per-cent interest for six months. However the real
funny came when they started falking about features:

"..... And it runs faster than a 20 MHz 386 SX running windows! ....."

Isn't that a bit like a car salesman saying "..... and it goes faster
than a Yugo! ....."
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Administrative note:


The recent item "25 Ways to Cope with Stress" is by Chris Palmer
(palmer@tallis.enet.dec.com)   Aliza Panitz reports that she sent this
out on her own list and somebody removed the attribution.

Please, never delete attributions on items you send to this group.
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 92 3:20:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Bush/Baseball
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk

President Bush was in Baltimore yesterday to throw out the first
pitch at the Orioles' opening day game.  Bush threw a fastball
that came up short, bouncing in the dirt in front of home plate.
He said he wanted to throw a screwball, but Jerry Brown was
in New York.

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Message-id: <S3c7.b70@looking.on.ca>
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 19:30:6 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Computer Sciences Corporation
From: teemc%gdls%parker@link.ph.gmr.com (Doug Parker)
Subject: Traffic joke
Keywords: smirk


Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the
inspiration for this one...

You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and
notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.

Douglas
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From: andys@ulysses.att.com (Andy Sherman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Tyson Sentence
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 15 Apr 92 08:30:09 GMT

Told by Larry Josephson in the closing credits of his public radio
show "Modern Times."

Q:  Why did they send Mike Tyson to prison?

A:  There were no more vacancies on the Supreme Court.


--
Andy Sherman/AT&T Bell Laboratories/Murray Hill, NJ
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Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 3:20:7 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Bill Clinton
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Keywords: topical, chuckle

Well, Bill Clinton finally admitted that he'd tried pot, but he
didn't inhale.  I guess next we'll learn that he did date
Gennifer Flowers after all, but he didn't come.

				-- Allan Pratt, atari!apratt
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Date: Mon, 6 Apr 92 19:30:6 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: noel@erich.triumf.ca (NOEL)
Subject: Misuse of computer based thesaurus
Keywords: original, smirk

Demonstrating the misuse of a computer based thesaurus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the allegory of an individual christened Jed. An unprosperous
ascetical recluse who just about sustained his clan. Then it came to
pass one morning. He was in quest of nutriments, when elevated from the
soil arose some effervescent raw petroleum products. 

The fundamental issue one recognizes, venerable Jed's become excessively
affluent.  His indigenous relatives asserted, "Jed, depart from your
current domicile".  They pronounced California as the locale of
choice, so the household loaded up their property and possessions and
seceded to Beverly Hills. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
			
			transcribed while playing with Microsoft Word
					from Noel Giffin
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Message-id: <S3c6.2c9a@looking.on.ca>
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 19:30:5 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: rolfe@junior.dsu.edu (Timothy J. Rolfe)
Subject: Doctrine of divine stodginess
Keywords: original, smirk

Granted, this is something posted to another group . . . but then
I'm the one that posted it to that group.

In <Feb.1.14.56.17.1992.2377@dumas.rutgers.edu> bertsche@llnl.gov
(Kirk Bertsche) writes:

>Inerrancy is properly a theological conclusion based on one's view of the 
>inspiration of the Bible.  If one believes that the Bible is verbally 
>(i.e. every word) and plenarily (i.e. in its entirety) inspired by God, it 
>logically follows that the Bible is inerrant.  If God's inspiration of 
>Scripture is verbal and plenary, the Bible cannot teach falsehood or error.

Hidden premise --- God is restricted to writing history and is precluded
from such literary forms as the short story, outrageous overstatement,
myth, . . .  Then there's the matter of literary forms that are NOT
current today, such as the apocalyptic form.

I'd rather not be too hasty in restricting what literary output might
come from the originator of the duck-billed platypus, the giraffe, and
human sexuality.
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Date: Fri, 10 Apr 92 19:30:7 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu (Jeff Knodel)
Subject: Choosing between a date or a Lecture
Keywords: pun, smirk, sexual

I maintain a joke mailing list, (mostly for people too busy to read the humor 
newsgroups, or too tired of listening to the rabble on rec.humor) and last 
month I asked for everyones 'favorite' joke.  This was one of my favorite 
submissions.
_______________________________________________________________________________


From: ara@mvuao.att.com (A R Adolt)

Two male undergraduates roomed together.  Their main interest was the
subject of *phrenology* (the study of the conformation of the skull as
indicative of mental faculties and character).  One of these students
had fallen for a coed who happened to be in several of his classes.
Every day he would try to talk to her and every talk ended with his
asking her for a date - an a rejection from her.
After many months of asking and being rejected, this girl finally gave
in.  She agreed to go out with him.
This guy was so happy that he rushed back to his room to tell his buddy
the great news.  When he rushed into the room his buddy was just hanging
up the phone and said "Have I got some great news !!! Dr. Frebump is in
town and is giving a lecture tonight !!!" (Dr. Frebump is the foremost
authority on phrenology)
The first guy says, "Oh no!! I finally got this girl to go out with me.
But I have to attend Dr. Frebump's lecture.  What should I do ?"
The second guy says, "That's simple - take her to the lecture."
So the first guy calls his date and explains the situation, to which
she replies, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be caught dead at that lecture.
I'm really not into phrenology !"
The first guy (rather thinking out loud) says, "What a choice - now,
what do I do ?"  to which the girl says, "It's really very simple --
FLIP A COIN ."

_______________________________________________________________________________

jk

p.s.  Heads or Tail

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Date: Thu, 9 Apr 92 12:20:13 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Daylight Savings Time
From: bhayes@cs.stanford.edu (Barry Hayes)
Keywords: topical, smirk

Anyone know how I can get my VCR to start blinking "1:00" now that
Daylight Savings Time is here?
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From: alfie@oakhill.sps.mot.com (Alfie Phillips)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons wanted...
Date: 14 Apr 92 19:00:49 GMT
Article-I.D.: oakhill.1992Apr14.190049.2175
Organization: Motorola Inc., Austin, Texas

Here is a few that will make a few people mad

GAY RIGHTS
WOMEN RIGHTS
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.fan.monty-python
From: dragon@camelot.bradley.edu (Matthew Korth)
Subject: Re: Does anybody have the script to "The Argument Clinic" ?
Organization: Bradley University
Date:  7 Apr 92 03:50:22 GMT

In <1992Apr06.051634.41805@yuma.acns.colostate.edu> maxwell@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Mark Story) writes:

>In article <1992Apr6.010309.10819@nic.unh.edu> ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
>>>>>I've told you once...
>>>> No, you haven't.
>>>Yes I have.
>>No, I haven't.
>This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
No it isn't.
--
*** Matt Korth *** dragon@camelot.bradley.edu *** dragon@buhub.bradley.edu ***

Municipal Sewer Department, we've had enough shit out of you...
Newsgroups: rec.humor