Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Fri, 21 Aug 1992 13:13:42 EST
From:         Kerry Stephenson <KSTE@PURCCVM.BITNET>
Subject:      And the nominees are....

Hi all:

Since we all seem to consider the process of nominating a candidate
for the Presidency of the United States some kind of trivial
entertainment anyway (being, as we are, cultural elitists with
better things to do with our time than watch history being made.
After all, there are re-runs to watch), here is my list of awards
to be given to the participants (and a few on the sidelines) at the
recently concluded Republican National Convention.  (Lest anyone
think I am being partisan, the only reason I didn't do this for the
Democrat convention is that I didn't think of it at the time.  Besides,
treating the Democrat convention like a Hollywood movie would be
redundant.)

Best Reference to a Dead Drug Addict:  "Clinton's been spotted
more places than Elvis Presley."  (Bush)

Best Reference to Signage:  "He [Clinton] reminds me of a sign
he must have seen along the road: 'Slippery When Wet'" (Bush)

Worst Reference to a Democrat:  "Poor Ann, she can't hep it.
She was born with silver roots in her hay-ar."  (the temporary
chairlady.  Nice idea, badly delivered.)

Worst delivery of a good line:  "And they call me an *actor*"
   Which should have been "And they call *me* an actor"  (Ronald
   Reagan--who else?)

Scariest Supreme Court Reference:  "Mario Cuomo"

Weirdest Procedural Moment:  The discovery that one delegation
   (Rhode Island?  I can't recall) had passed and then gone
   home before the list got back to them

Angriest Speech about Desert Storm:  John McCain's

Best Self-Deprecation:  "If Clinton's [whatever], then I'm
    a world-champion speller"  (Quayle)

Best Gerald Ford: "We've got a Congress that knows plenty about checks,
but they don't know a damn thing about balances!"

Best repeated theme:  hiding the Democrat leadership during the Democrat
    convention.

Most Beloved Figure (male):  Ronald Reagan

Most Beloved Figure (female):  Barbara Bush

Best Evidence of Media Stupidity:  After Wednesday night, the Big 3 *still*
   insisted that nobody knows what "family values" means.  Sorry, guys.
   You're the only ones that *didn't* get it

Best Evidence of Fairness:  Pro-choice Lynn Martin nominating Bush

Worst Entertainment Choices:  Reba McIntyre (single mother by choice, twice);
     theme from La Cage Au Folles to wrap up Family Values Night; Sandi Patti
     singing "God Bless America" (currently divorcing her husband, against
     his will, and with no apparent Biblical grounds).

Best List:  John McCain's reading of the list of nations freed since
     Bush became president.

Best Performance By a Minister (in a speech):  Pat Robertson; E.V. Hill
     (tie)

Best Performance By a Minister (in a prayer):  Dr. Ed Young (Thursday night)

Best Economic Speech with additional material:  Jack Kemp

Biggest Media Suck-up:  Ted Koppel and Nightline, for doing a puff piece on
    Hilary Clinton after the first night's convention coverage.

Best Perfomance By an Actor (off-stage):  Arnold Schwarzennegar (sp?)

Best Surprise Moment:  Bush's appearance after Barbara's speech on Wednesday
     night

Best Sentimental Speech:  Mary Fisher

Angriest Ex-President:  Gerald Ford

Peppiest Widow:  Sally Atwater

Best Show of Unity:  Pat Buchanan

Stupidest t-shirt (ever) spotted on (any) convention floor:  "Nobody
   Knows I'm HIV Positive"

Best Announcer Voice:  Rev. Keith Butler (Detroit)

Best Refutation of Feminism:  Marilyn Quayle

Best Direction:  Rich Bond

Best Evocation of Common People and Common Values:  Phil Gramm's
    "Dickie Flatt" speech

Best Prolife Speech:  Kay James

Best Rhetorical Whipping Boy not Present:  Ted Kennedy

Best Floor Control:  Bob Michel

Best Performance by an Actor (on the podium): Gerald McRaney

Best tv-related line:  "If only Murphy Brown could meet Major Dad.."
   (Marilyn Quayle)

Weirdest souvenir on sale:  election trading cards, featuring all the
    announced candidates (even the *really* obscure ones)

Strangest timing:  Ross Perot's lead balloon about maybe getting back
  into the race, tentatively mentioned Wednesday afternoon; Wednesday
  night he told Dan Rather he had no such intention.  (Get a life.)

Favorite Dead Guy:  Lee Atwater

Best Off-Camera Performance:  Mary Matalin

Best use of a Visual Aid:  The chairlady's list of Clinton's 128 tax
   increases

Best Sign Spotted on Convention Floor:  "Rather Not"

Best Partisan Joke:  "Now don't get me wrong.  I have many friends who are
   Democrats.  A lot of wise and perceptive people have come out of the
   Democratic party.  In fact, the wiser and more perceptive they are,
   the faster they come out of the Democratic party."  (Gerald Ford)

Scariest Economic Comment:  "A government that's big enough to give you
   everything you want is big enough to take everything you have."
   (both Lynn Cheney and Gerald Ford said this one.)

Most Unfortunate Speaker Placement:  Paul Laxalt between Pat Buchanan
    and Ronald Reagan

Moment the Democrats will Find Hardest to Deal With:  A standing ovation
    for Mary Fisher (who spoke about compassion for AIDS victims)

Best steal from the Opposition:  Dan Quayle's repetition of "It's time
  for *them* to go!"  (Are not.  Are too.  Nyah.)

and, finally, hands down, unanimous award from the tv viewing audience,
Best of Show:   CSPAN.  Nobody else even comes close.

It's gonna be an interesting 3 months.  (I *knew* Bush knew what he
was doing.)

--Missy P 2 B
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