From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Further to Karla
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 18:47:19 GMT

Thanks again,  there  was  much  wisdom  in  your posting 5641.  I
appreciate your sharing.

Last night I  did make another step in communication and know now
that my lover is  indeed  open to hearing about my abuse with any
degree of detail I am comfortable with.  His assurances came when
I  broke down (literally) and confided  my  fear  that  he  might
abandon me if he actually knew some  of  the  things  which  have
happened to me.  So, that hurdle has been partially crossed (ouch
;-))  

Candidly I still feel terrible fear in the pit of my stomach as I
contemplate and gear up to tell him about the incest.    I have a
need  to  tell  him  because it  is
causing  me  a lot of pain right now, but I still don't  want  to
"tarnish" the image *he* has of my mother and of my reasonably good
family.  He has bought into these myths so fully and was close to
his own mother who was nurturing and loving  and  whom  he always
characterized  as being very similar in outlook to mine.  I DON'T
WANT TO  TAKE  THAT  AWAY FROM HIM.
    [A note for someone else who posted:  I  do  not  agree that 
    survivors are only concerned with their own issues and are 
    unaware of how difficult it is for their partners.  I think 
    some  of  us struggle constantly to grasp just enough self-esteem
    to be able for  moment to stop catering to someone else's 
    needs and sensitivities which we've always put ahead of our own,
    to give just a little validation to our own identity!]

Or is  this  just  a  continuation  of  my  silently
protecting my abuser?  I have a terribly hard time thinking of my mother
as my abuser:  she was good  and  loving, but some things just went a
little  wrong.  I was very distressed to remember  some  evidence
that  I  was  emotionally blackmailed into keeping the Big Secret
about  things,  which makes me uneasy about how conscious some of
this stuff was.  But I don't hate her.  I just hate what happened
to me.

This  is  such  an awful thing to tell someone else about.  I  am
paralysed by the horror it's going to cause in him.

On  the  other  hand  I have to consider that he may already have
guessed and is just waiting (as you mentioned) for  me  to  be  ready
to talk.  I suspect I have left enough signals, for instance leaving
the Lew book  around with 'incest' right there in the
title.  It makes me wonder  why I feel so scared ...  still.  But
I guess this is why it's called a healing PROCESS.

Sorry, I seem to have rambled and at this point I certainly seem to be obsessed
about this one aspect of my abuse.   I  am  truly more fearful of
talking   about  this  than  about  the  other  (male)  incidents
including  the  gang  rape,  and  believe  me  I  went through  a
difficult  period  of "why me?" and "*I* must have done something
to attract/cause all this".  Fortunately that is now history.

I'd better stop now.  Thanks for letting me think aloud.

I'm on my way...

"Kristian"



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