From: biesel@javelin.sim.es.com (Heiner Biesel)
Subject: Re: History for Valley gals
Organization: Evans & Sutherland Computer Corporation
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1992 15:38:37 GMT

jmc@SAIL.Stanford.EDU (John McCarthy) writes:

...[ much brooding contemplation deleted ]...

>     Invasion of America by Dead White European Males

>     When Columbus and the Pilgrim Fathers landed at Plymouth
>     Rock, they immediately marched to California to enslave the
>     Indians and get the gold, oppressing the Pilgrim Mothers all
>     the way.  In Denver, California they imprisoned Montezuma
>     and Sitting Bull in a convenient dungeon.  However, an
>     African-American named Abraham Lincoln tunneled into the
>     dungeon and freed the slaves.  Lincoln was later killed by a
>     ball fired from a canon built by the dead white European males.

Not meaning to nitpick, but that was actually Abraham Washington Carver,
the man who invented the peanut, and who once threw a cherry tree across the
San Andreas Fault. An amusing, little-known footnote to the the Denver
Massacre: Abner Doubleday, half-brother of A.W. Carver, and well known
as the person who later introduced the savages of Europe to the delights 
of the paperback book, was the administrator of the infamous dungeon,
having earlier refused sanctification by the Vatican, and there performing 
penance for his refusal. The fact that Doubleday was not a catholic has
puzzled many historians, but need not concern us here.

>I suspect that this is not quite enough history for a whole semester,
>and I solicit suggestions for its extension.  However, it is very
>important not to overload the young, and so extensions should be
>put into use only after five years of experiments with the present
>version.

Good idea. I suggest replacing every occurrence of the letter 'e' with
a 'y', as this renders the text much more elegant, and provides more
equal treatment for the otherwise marginalized letter 'y'. Obvious
extensions to other letters are to be left as an exercise to the student.

>My company Memorable History, Inc. has trained consultants to help
>school boards initiate the program.  We also have educational
>materials such as T-shirts, historical bubble gum and a video game
>about Abraham Lincoln and the dungeon.  The student can not only free
>the slaves but also get the canon away from the Dwems.

Fine merchandising ploys, all; however, I believe that the marketing
of historical chewing gum may present formidable obstacles, as the
specimens of such gum that I have examined invariably take on the
consistency of poorly formulated concrete. Even recent historical gum,
obtained from the bottom surfaces of desks at the local junior high
school, and no more than five years old, was considered barely palatable
by our consumer advisory panel. 

I consider your tie-in with the literary traditions of Dwems to be
brilliant. I imagine that in your video game the Dwems fight fiercely
to hold on to their canon, only to lose it to the determined Valley
Girls, who, with the assistance of the assembled faculty of Berkeley
and Stanford, transform said canon via deconstructionist analysis
into pure Self-Esteem (TM).

Regards,
       H. Biesel.
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books,rec.humor,talk.religion.misc,sci.skeptic