HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: glass@adcalc.fnal.gov (Michael Glass)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Derivative joke, stimulated by DKS
Date: 21 Aug 92 02:02:04 GMT
Organization: Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-a4

This is a wholly unrelated amusing story.
In article <1992Aug20.222444.20909@athena.mit.edu>, Dhanesh writes...

 > Where do I get my morals?  K-Mart, of course.  And I get my
 > family values at the corner 7-11....

     Some years ago, when my office was in a temporary trailer in a
parking lot, somebody drove a truck into my wall.  This was a common
occurrence which usually didn't cause much damage.  However I felt 
rather vulnerable, so I jumped up, flung open the window, and yelled
at the driver, ending with:

     -- "...and who the hell gave YOU a driver's license anyway?"

     -- "I got it at K-Mart, of course."

     -- "Well take it back!  It's defective!"

     -- "I can't.  I got it on sale."

     After that I could not ream him out any further, as he had won me
over.

-- Michael Glass                  |  Practice random acts of humor
   glass@adcalc.fnal.gov          |  and senseless frivolity.
Organization: Information Networking Institute, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 10:12:25 -0400 
From: "Joshua M. Sabloff" <jsa5+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Content-free Discourse (was Re: FAQ: The Record Thing)
	<1992Aug19.125158.20113@athena.mit.edu>

Excerpts from netnews.alt.fan.dan-quayle: 19-Aug-92 Re: Content-free
Discourse .. dks@athena.mit.edu (766)

>  PS:  Some of my best friends are pond-scum.
>        In fact, some of my best friends ASPIRE to
>        pond-scumhood.  Like Dannikins, f'rinstance.

I know someone else will probably say this but...

I knew pondscum.  I was good friends with pond scum.  And <insert name
here>, you're no pondscum.

No, wait, that didn't quite come out as it should have, did it? :-)


-Josh Sabloff (jsa5@andrew.cmu.edu)
"Now go away before I taunt you a second time-a!"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews)
Subject: Re: Marilyn's Speech?
Organization: Hewlett-Packard
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 14:14:28 GMT

>BTW, did you notice that when the state delegations were being polled Wed.
>night, the Idaho delegation made no mention of potatoes whatsoever?  Bet the
>Idaho Chamber of Commerce grumbled about that, but orders is orders...

That's Idahoe to you, buddy.

Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: stephen@def.bae.co.uk (Stephen Paynter)
Subject: A Joke on BBC Radio 4
Reply-To: stephen@def.bae.co.uk
Organization: British Aerospace (Dynamics) Ltd
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 92 08:32:47 GMT

Hi everyone,

	I heard this joke while driving into work five minutes ago on BBC Radio 4
(in England):

	"The most frightening sentence in the English language just has to be: 
'Dan, I don't feel so well'.


Sorry if it's an old one.

The thought of Danny ending up as president puts new fervor into the prayer: 'God
Bless America'!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Paynter.
I speak only for myself, but I'm not always serious.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: eric@tantalus.dell.com (Eric Youngdale)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Re: Earl Butz (was Re: Quayle for President)
Date: 13 Aug 92 21:37:23 GMT
Organization: Naval Research Laboratory

In article <1992Aug13.194242.3773@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU> pat@sphinx.phys.Virginia.EDU (pat walsh) writes:
>Now let's test my memory a little further.  I think it was also Butz who
>took the famous midnight swim in the Tidal Basin with stripper Fanne Foxe
>(sp? - when in doubt, use an "e"!), who was also known as "The Argentine
>Firecracker", I believe.  John, my memory's a bit hazier on this, but I
>think you're right about John Dean revealing the "shoes" incident, in an
>article in Rolling Stone -- does that sound right?  (I was 14 in 1975, but
>I do have some memory of most of this).


	Bzzzt.  Wrong again.  That was Wilbur Mills, the then Charirman of the
House Ways and Means Committee.  I do not think it was a swim, but as I recall
he fell in because he was drunk.  I could be wrong on this part of it.

	Butz made one really priceless comment about the Pope's (and thus
the Catholic Church's position on birth control).  He said "He who no playeth
the game, no maketh the rules."

-Eric

--
Eric Youngdale
eric@tantalus.nrl.navy.mil
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: s5202734@titan.ucc.umass.edu (s5202734)
Subject: Re: AN ANAGRAM!!! WE HAVE ONE!!!
Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 14:49:56 GMT

    Many years ago, isaw the following anagram (I don't recall the source, so
no attribution):

   Spiro Agnew <===> Grow a Penis

  What is it with veeps & penises (penii?  penia?)

     Jenny Gutbezahl

Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: elambert@qualcom.qualcomm.com (Eber Lambert)
Subject: Re: Earl Butz (was Re: Quayle for President)
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1992 22:08:21 GMT

pat@sphinx.phys.Virginia.EDU (pat walsh) writes:

>John R. Dooley writes:


>Now let's test my memory a little further.  I think it was also Butz who
>took the famous midnight swim in the Tidal Basin with stripper Fanne Foxe
>(sp? - when in doubt, use an "e"!), who was also known as "The Argentine
>Firecracker", I believe.  John, my memory's a bit hazier on this, but I
>think you're right about John Dean revealing the "shoes" incident, in an
>article in Rolling Stone -- does that sound right?  (I was 14 in 1975, but
>I do have some memory of most of this).


Nope, that was Wilbur Mills .... Head of House Ways and Means or Ethics
committee or something equally ironic...

He was immortalized in the Blues Brothers cover of "Aint got You"...

John Dean was long gone when the Butz incident occured. A reporter 
overheard Butz tell the ethnic joke (an old one actually) while
on a flight back to DC. It was supposedly off-the-record but the
young reporter want a scoop. At the time it raised the whole ethics
issue surrounding "off the record" remarks.

eel
Organization: Information Networking Institute, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 10:01:38 -0400 
From: "Joshua M. Sabloff" <jsa5+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Responses to Bush Massage at Convention

Excerpts from netnews.alt.fan.dan-quayle: 21-Aug-92 Responses to Bush
Massage a.. JFL4@psuvm.psu.edu (3694)

13)  "Give me a Congress that will give me a line-item veto."

You know who the last president to have aline-item veto was?  Jefferson Davis.

Excerpts from netnews.alt.fan.dan-quayle: 21-Aug-92 Responses to Bush
Massage a.. JFL4@psuvm.psu.edu (3694)

> 2)  Clean Air Act:
>                   -Bush wanted to veto it.

And Quayle gutted it.

What's the name of the gerbil who's running for president?  :-)


-Josh Sabloff (jsa5@andrew.cmu.edu)
"Now go away before I taunt you a second time-a!"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: alexo+@cs.cmu.edu (Alex Orenshteyn)
Subject: Ethics 101A.
Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 14:48:51 GMT

	I am sitting here and wondering, maybe Dan Quayle is in fact
representative of American piblic, maybe we are that stupid on the average,
maybe we have become Ionesco-like herd of rhinos with cumulative intelligence
of lettuce, maybe we are as easily manipulable as Bush believes.

If so, I want to see more from the press and the wimpy democrats things like:
"So, Mr. Bush how did you like that tight, little piece of ass, Mrs. 
Fitzgerald? Oops, I forgot we should not get any sleaze on your royal hiney,
well the moment I take a look at the transcript and if it resembles in shape
or form the kind of sleaze you do not like, I will most certainly reprimand
myself for this unfortune slip. So sorry. Ok, Mr. Bush, how did Barbara, the
woman who bore your children, react to your little tryst? Oh my, my I am sorry
again, so sorry, just can't help myself, I think Democrats are controlling
my mind, No, no the devil made me do it. Yes, either the Devil or those
pinko atheists, remember those atheists who are not Americans at all, who
should probably be incarcerated but damn Constitution prevents you from
doing them in. But I digress, Mr. Bush, is it true you have to take Halcyon
to sleep because your nightmares about all those people killed due to your
inactivity and stupidity in Iraq, Yugoslavia, Somalia and other places? Oh,
my god, I have again slipped into sleazy details of human sufferring and such,
I am so very sorry, Mr. Kin^H^H^HPresident. Mr. President, I should like to
finish this interview by saying that despite your lies and double-facedness
I think that Margaret Thatcher has only slightly bigger balls than you and
you are every bit the man I expected.


I am getting scared, is the American public stupid enough to reelect Bush,
so that after 4 more years he can go to Japan to get his 2 million dollars
payoff?
From: leisti@cc.helsinki.fi (Teemu Leisti)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Deconstruction and the White House
Date: 13 Aug 92 16:30:43 GMT
Organization: University of Helsinki

If you don't want to read about George Bush, please skip to the next
message.

In this week's (Aug. 8--14) The Economist, a British weekly, the
following little box appeared in the American Survey section.  Copied 
without permission, so sue me.


Deconstruction and the White House
----------------------------------
AS GEORGE BUSH contemplates the prospect of changing careers, he might
consider returning to his _alma mater_, Yale University.  Most
politicians who retire to academia find their natural slots in
departments of government or politics; Mr Bush may be an exception.  His
real home is surely Yale's department of comparative literature.

It is there that the theory of deconstruction, which holds that words
have no fixed meaning, has flowered most extravagantly.  One literary
critic, David Lehman, argues that, "sooner or later the initiate into
the mysteries of deconstruction must prepare to visit a linguistic
abyss."  Mr Bush has already visited.  Consider, for example, his
greeting to tourists in Lafayette Park:  "Hey, hey, nihaoma.  Hey, yeah,
yeah.  Heil, heil -- a kind of Hitler salute."

Or dwell on the maxim offered by Paul De Man, the late doyen of the Yale
school of deconstructionists.  De Man held that rhetoric "allows for two
incompatible mutually self-destructive points of view, and therefore
puts an insurmountable obstacle in the way of any reasoning or
understanding."

Now consider two celebrated Bushisms:  "People understand that Congress
bears a greater responsibility for this -- but I'm not trying to assign
blame"; or "All I was doing was appealing to you for an endorsement, not
suggesting you endorse it."  Even if Mr Bush is refused a post at Yale,
he could stay on as an object for study.



--  Teemu Leisti  /  U. of Helsinki, Finland  /  leisti@cc.helsinki.fi

"`This purgatory of the spirit, this animal thirst for self-preservation,
  these humiliating moments of the human soul, are awful, and sometimes
  arouse horror and compassion for the criminal even in a lawyer....'"
                              -- F. Dostoyevsky, _The Brothers Karamazov_
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: Jeffrey L. Needleman <JNeedleman@MCIMail.com>
Subject: Re: A Little Less Noise, Please?
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 92 13:33:13 EDT
Organization: The University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d7
X-Xxdate: Thu, 13 Aug 92 13:34:54 GMT

In article <1992Aug13.060244.9409@athena.mit.edu> dks, dks@athena.mit.edu
writes:
> And while you're at it, please also
>explain Dannikins' position on choice/abortion where his own family
>is concerned.

Look, this is all really very simple. Bush and Quayle are making the same
points. Abortion is murder, but if your daughter or granddaughter happens
to consciously choose to be a murderer, why of course you will love them
anyway, much as Eva Braun loved Hitler. You try to give your children the
"right" values (anti-murder), but gosh gee whiz, if they turn out to be
murderers you defend them and support them nevertheless. 

That darn liberal Supreme Court somehow has failed to make abortion
illegal for everyone (i. e., the poor). So it's legal for your kids to
murder. You hope they won't, but if they do well, gosh, kids will be
kids. Ya gotta love 'em anyway.

I don't quarrel with anyone who sincerely believes that abortion is
murder. But it seems to me that you don't just nonchalantly support a
relative who is a murderer, a child molestor, a wife beater.  If Bush and
Quayle can speak the way they do about their own children and
grandchildren, then they don't REALLY consider abortion murder. Their
hypocrisy shows through. Their defenders have no way to deflect that
conclusion. Talking about a parent's love for his child tries to deflect
and avoid the issue--but who is really fooled? 

My own religious orientation is a bit different. I don't view a fetus as
an unborn child whose rights must be protected. Rather, I think of all of
us as pre-dead corpses who may be treated as any other dead
objects--killed, eaten, ground up for fertilizer. I think that position
makes as much sense as the other. If my position has a few logical flaws,
I simply accept it on faith (my invisible friend told me). Some day
people like me will come into power. Until then, just stay out of the
path of my pickup truck; I'll squash you like a squirrel.

Jeff
From: dylan@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Dan Quayle, GOP Music Director
Date: 20 Aug 92 09:03:26 -0500
Organization: Carnegie Mellon Computer Club

On NPR this morning, I heard coverage of the
GOP convention and family values.  Everyone
discussed them and how wonderful they are.
And then, when King George made his 'unexpected'
appearance on the platform, the music that 
heralded his appearance was from 'La Cage Aux Folles'

Someone done screwed up.  Was Dan in the sound booth?

Dylan
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
From: danwell@IASTATE.EDU (Daniel A Ashlock)
Subject: Re: ABORTION
Reply-To: danwell@IASTATE.EDU (Daniel A Ashlock)
Organization: Iowa State University
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 18:17:46 GMT


   I agree it would be nice to leave this particular issue out of
alt.fan.dan-quayle, except possibly when Qauyl himself says something. 
As a mathemetician I would LOVE it if no-one cited any statistics about 
the % of left handed american pipe wrench wielders who were against abortion
except in the case of simultaneous rape and incest.  Mark Twain said it 
best.

Dan
Danwell@IASTATE.EDU
From: lcl@splinter.coe.northeastern.edu (Lisa C. Lewis)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Re: Dano's speech/Comedy Channel
Date: 21 Aug 92 13:58:56 GMT
Reply-To: lcl@meceng.coe.northeastern.edu
Organization: College of Engineering, Northeastern University
In-reply-to: elendil@mintir.new-orleans.la.us's message of 21 Aug 92 04:33:29 GMT


Has anybody been taping the Comedy Channel coverage for those of us who are
less fortunate?

--
Lisa Caroline Lewis   		    Our country, right or wrong.  
lcl@csa.bu.edu      -or-	    When right, to be kept right; 
lcl@meceng.coe.northeastern.edu     when wrong, to be put right.
                  	             - Carl Schurz, January 17, 1872
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 21:29:55 EDT
From: <SML108@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Re: AN ANAGRAM!!! WE HAVE ONE!!!
 <hmiller.714003387@lucpul.it.luc.edu> <l8tvjsINNpnq@girtab.usc.edu>

In article <l8tvjsINNpnq@girtab.usc.edu>, rone@girtab.usc.edu (Ron Echeverri)
says:
>
>In article <hmiller.714003387@lucpul.it.luc.edu> hmiller@lucpul.it.luc.edu    h
>(Hug
>Miller) writes:
>>    My favorite is:
>>    VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE = CRADLED QUITE A PENIS ENVY.
>
>All of you send Mr. Miller a nice thankyou email note.
>
>5150
>oh joy oh joy

No no, send Mr. Miller a subpoena for not properly attributing the anagram
to Esquire where it orginally appeared (unless of course Esquire stole it
from him).
From: bsc7@po.CWRU.Edu (Bradley S. Corsello)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Re: Marilyn's Speech?
Date: 21 Aug 92 04:40:36 GMT
Reply-To: bsc7@po.CWRU.Edu (Bradley S. Corsello)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)


In a previous article, Corby.E.Page@dartmouth.edu (Corby E. Page) says:

>> "Not everyone ... took drugs, dodged the draft ..." She then stated that, unlike
>> other baby-boomers, she and Dan believe in fidelity.  (As Jay Leno said,
>> "well, two outta three ain't bad.") :-)
>
>Which two did Jay mean? If we believe Brett Kimberlin, who is serving

Maybe he's referring to Quayl's Vietname adventures.  They made a movie
about them, you know:  "Thirty Seconds over Indianapolis".

BTW, did you notice that when the state delegations were being polled Wed.
night, the Idaho delegation made no mention of potatoes whatsoever?  Bet the
Idaho Chamber of Commerce grumbled about that, but orders is orders...
-- 
Brad Corsello (bsc7@po.cwru.edu) 2L Case Western Reserve Law School
"Studium legum superat laborem." _ U.S. _ (Holmes, J., dissenting).
"You can believe me because I never lie and I'm always right." - FT
"Factum clarum, jus nebulosum."  Rex v. Haddock (Ct. Crim. App.)
Xref: sparky alt.fan.dan-quayle:2720 alt.politics.bush:2230 alt.politics.clinton:2301
From: birdman@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Christopher Kush)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle,alt.politics.bush,alt.politics.clinton
Subject: Re: I do not get this popularity for Barb (Re: Barbara's Speech)
Date: 20 Aug 92 14:02:04 GMT
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.

In article <BtA4L2.MtM.1@cs.cmu.edu> alexo+@cs.cmu.edu (Alex Orenshteyn) writes:
>In article <16v1g0INN13s@agate.berkeley.edu> mazzarel@spam.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli) writes:
>>Actually I have little to say on what Barbara said,  as it was pretty
>>bland.  Two things stand out:
>>
>>1. When she said how she liked to talk about "the healthiest man she knows".
>>   Darn.  I wish the TV had shown us Dan's face.  
>>
>>2. I felt like I was the boss,  and I had to fire this employee that is
>>   perhaps not a bad man,  but certainly incompetent.  And I call him up
>>   to the office,  and he shows up with the wife and kids.
>>
>>Ok George,  you have a big family.  You have a lot of mouths to feed. 
>>Ok George.  You're a responsible father.  Ok,  we'll overlook how Neil
>>stiffed other (poorer,  less well-connected) heads of households with his
>>S & L schemes.
>>
>>George,  you're fired.
>>
>>Ariel Mazzarelli
>
>
>I simply fail to understand why Mrs. Bush is popular with the public
>(of course in comparison to her imbecile husband it could make sense).
>She looks like a dessicated q-tip with too much skin with personality
>to match. Her family nickname is "Enforcer". So we know who is the head
>of household in Bush's home. Her claim to fame is to have kept her
>tongue behind her teeth for the past 12 years. I do not find her to have
>a pleasant personality, so what is up?
>

Well, however awful Bush is, I think Barb is a reasonably decent first lady. I
mean, by default she's better than Reagan's bitch, and she does a lot of cool
stuff.  If I had to vote by First Ladies, instead of candidates, I'd rather
have Hillary, I spose, but not by much.  And the side effect of Bill is
unmentionably awful.  I suppose I'll vote for Perot, now that he's re-entered
in time to avoid the mudslinging.  Did anyone else see it coming?  I'm gonna
buck authority by voting in an old, white Texish oilman!

For all those voting for Clinton on the "At least he'll be *different*" tip,
think seriously about Perot.  I know he's a manipulative rich old white man,
but he's got experience at it, which Clinton wants, and he's good at it,
better than Bush. Possibly better enough to realize that he doesn't want to
fuck over America. Especially if he's in it for the glory... The Prez That
Saved The Nation. And, like my father said last Christmas, if that doesn't
work, we can always revolt.

_________
_/__\_._| christopher s. kush / birdman@nwu.edu / (708) 467 2067
_\@_|_._| computer systems / programming, industrial research laboratory
___/____| 1801 maple avenue, evanston, illinois 60201 - 3135
__/_____| mesg y; cat /core | write root &; mesg n
From: jamesm@lunch.austin.ibm.com (James Miller)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Re: Earl Butz (was Re: Quayle for President)
Date: 14 Aug 92 00:01:33 GMT
Reply-To: jamesm@voyager.austin.ibm.com
Distribution: alt
Organization: IBM AWD; Austin, Texas


In article <1992Aug13.194242.3773@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>
pat@sphinx.phys.Virginia.EDU (pat walsh) writes:

>John R. Dooley writes:
>
>>In article <1992Aug12.201724.1022@panix.com> eck@panix.com (Mark Eckenwiler) writes:
>>>>In article <1992Aug5.151057.6964@murdoch.acc.Virginia.EDU>
>>>>pat@sphinx.phys.Virginia.EDU (pat walsh) writes:
>>>>
>>>>> Doesn't the credit for this particular boner go to Earl Butz, Gerald Ford's
>>>>> Secretary of Agriculture 
>>>
>>>Nope, Butz was Carter's AgSec.
>>>
>
>>No, definitely Gerald Ford's.  As I recall, he told his infamous joke
>>to a neighbor on a press plane and (if memory serves) John Dean (yes,
>>the John Dean of the White House tapes fame) disclosed it in an article.
>>(I may be mistaken about who first revealed the joke -- it may have
>>been Woodward or Bernstein, but Dean really sticks in my mind.)
>
>Okay, as the guy who originally contended that Earl Butz worked for Ford,
>I finally decided to look it up.  It was definitely Ford.  I was too lazy

 ...

>Now let's test my memory a little further.  I think it was also Butz who
>took the famous midnight swim in the Tidal Basin with stripper Fanne Foxe
>(sp? - when in doubt, use an "e"!), who was also known as "The Argentine
>Firecracker", I believe.  John, my memory's a bit hazier on this, but I
>think you're right about John Dean revealing the "shoes" incident, in an
>article in Rolling Stone -- does that sound right?  (I was 14 in 1975, but
>I do have some memory of most of this).

Uh uh, that was Wilbur Mills , I think a Democratic representative from, uh,
um, Arkansas, found pursuing Fanne into the tidal basin.  There was a
retrospective on the old guy in the newspaper or some such within the past few
months.  Perhaps he had just died?  It was rather sad, actually; he'd had a
pretty respectable career as a mover/shaker in the U.S. Congress up until the
end.

Whoops -- now just look at me aggravating this digression!  I almost forgot to
mention the sticker I saw in the window of a scruffy looking Acura:  "Team
Potatoe Head Racing"  Did Dan-O do any autocrossing in his National Guard
days, or do people race golf carts now?
--

_________________________________________________________________

  James Miller -- developing Unix software at (!) IBM -- Austin
_________________________________________________________________

  Internet:  jamesm@voyager.austin.ibm.com
  ibm?net:   jamesm@lunch.austin.ibm.com
  VNET:      JAMESM at AUSVMQ
  yaknet:    512 838-1608
  UPSnet:    11400 Burnet Rd., IMAD 9541; Austin, Texas 78758
_________________________________________________________________