From: johnf@uhheph.phys.hawaii.edu (John Flanagan)
Subject: Re: Bisexuality runs in the family?
Organization: University of Hawaii, Dept. of Physics & Astronomy
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 12:03:30 GMT

In article <84631@netnews.upenn.edu> egedi@ahwenasa.cis.upenn.edu (Dania M. Egedi) writes:
>
>Here's the situation:  my younger sister is bisexual, as am
>I.  My mother knew about my younger sister, but not about me.
>She has been quite accepting, but I was concerned about how she would
>handle the idea of 2 (out of 4) of her children being bi.  Plus, she's
>just been coming to terms with the fact that I was abused as a child by
>one of the foster kids that my family kept.  I didn't want to put too much on 
>her at once.  Well last night, my (also younger) brother called her
>to tell her
>that he was either gay or bi (he's not sure yet).  My mother
>immediately made some
>connection to the child abuse that I had suffered as a child, and asked him if
>anything had happened to him.  My brother was very silent for a while, then
>asked her to name someone.  My mom named my abuser (Johnny), and my
>brother started to
>cry.  He said that when she said Johnny's name, it all kinda flooded back.

Interesting.  My family's situation is somewhat similar.  My sister
and I are both gay-leaning bi, my brother is straight.  My sister and
I were sexually abused by a babysitter when we were kids.  I don't
think my mother knows about the babysitter, but she's been wondering
if "something happened" to me and my sister to make us turn out the
way we did.  She fears that it is some terrible failure of her
mothering skills.

>So, there are two issues here, at least in my mind; my mother thinks that
>they are related.  Are they?  

My first reaction is to say, "probably not."  But this is something
which can only be determined by you, your siblings, and your
counsellors, if any.  It may be hard to sort out.  I know that in my
case, while the events with the babysitter left me with terrible guilt
for years, and affected my feelings about sex, I eventually concluded
that the events had not determined my orientation.  They affected
the way I dealt with it for a long time, but not the orientation itself.

>Anyway, the issue that made me post here
>is that there are now (at least) 3 of the 4 children in my family 
>identifying as bi.  Is there anyone else out there who is in a similar
>situation?  

Not exactly, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad. :-)

>How can I help my brother, who is having a much harder time of
>this than either my sister or myself?  

Talk to him.  A lot.  Which is easy for me to say, since my sister and
I have _never_ discussed The Evil Babysitter (well, she wasn't really
evil, just messed up), and I think that made it harder for both of
us to deal with it.  But I think it would be helpful if we could ever
bring ourselves to discuss it with each other some time.  So I guess
what I'm saying is, don't do as my sister and I did. :-)

Also, talk to your mother about it.  If she is anything like my
mother, she may be feeling guilt about having failed to protect you
when you were kids, and may be thinking that she wasn't there when you
needed her.  (This is why I haven't mentioned the E.B. to my mother --
I don't want to give her another reason to kick herself right now).
Let you mother know that being bi is perfectly healthy, and that there
is no fault that needs to be found, or guilt that needs to be
assigned, on that score.

>Is there anyone on the net in this
>group from the Lex, KY area from whom I could find out about support groups in
>that area?  

Can't help you there.

>Anyone whose helped a sibling come to terms with their
>(g/l/b)sexuality?  

Not really.  My sister and I used to go drinking and dancing together
at the local gay bar when we lived in the same city.  But other than
general note-comparing and pal'ing around, we pretty much came to
terms separately, and with our friends.

>Anyone with any insights as to if/how childhood abuse can
>affect a person's sexuality in the future?  

I don't know, but if you'd be interested in discussing this (in
e-mail, perhaps), I'd be interested.

>Any ideas of how to convince my
>mother that this is not 'her fault', and that she should be proud of her
>children instead?

Try P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).  They have a
1-800 number which you can call to find the nearest chapter.  I don't
remember the number, but it has been posted here recently.  You could
try calling information for the number (1-800-555-1212).

--John

-- 
John Flanagan                          ||
johnf@uhheph.phys.hawaii.edu           ||"Don't worry, honey, 
U. of Hawaii, Dept. of Physics & Astro.|| our skirts are clean."
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