Organization: Penn State University
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 10:46:39 EDT
From: Michael B. Smith <MBS116@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Red Neck/Jeff Foxworthy List

                   You know you're a rednick if.......

If your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips, before she tells
the state trooper to kiss her ass,...you might be a redneck.

If you keep your dog and your wallet on a chain...

If your truck has curtains, but your house doesn't...

If your family tree has more leaves than branches...

Redneck virgin:  A girl who runs faster than her brothers.

If your richest relative just changed the tires on his house...

You know you're a redneck when.....

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

Your household owns thirty books--and ten of them haven't been colored in yet.

A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch
Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.

When you think being in style is owning the latest T.V. Slim Whitman album
offer.

Your town protested violently when The Dukes of Hazard was canceled.

A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window
at Hardee's.

When you can't afford to pay your house bills, your insurance bills, your
automobile loan or your alimony but you sure can afford season tickets to
all the college football games and NASCAR events.

Your town protested even more violently when Battle of the Network Stars
was canceled.

Your three heroes are Bear Bryant, George Wallace and Lynnrd Skynnrd.

You actually know who El Gigante is and you're proud to admit it.

Your idea of a good law-and-order man is Barney Fife.

You actually thought Hogan's Heroes was an accurate portrayal of World
War II.

You have a velvet painting of Clint Black.

You've forgiven Jane Fonda for her Vietnam era sins 'cause she married a
good 'ole boy.

The number one selling album at the local record store is "Hooked on Phonics"

You look up to the Mackenzie Brothers as ideals of international and inter-
cultural sophistication.

YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF:
.
Your favorite Olympic event is American Gladiators.
.
You weigh four pounds more after you find your keys.
.
You think Virginia Slims is a new brand of condoms.
.
Your boxer shorts bear the slogan of any fast food restaurant.
.
The reindeer on your lawn at Christmas are pulling a '57 ford.

You might be a redneck if....

Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
   (my girlfriend just inherited her Grandma's sewing machine, so this no
    longer applies to me)

Your girlfriend just sold off her 'old' saddle.

You think Country and Western are the two kinds of Music.

You still think the Eagles will get together for a final tour.

Your 'watch-dogs' are geese.
       (our neighbors had a couple.  I hated them)

You thinks rabbits are food, not pets.
  (it's cheap, but when you move in town, butchering distresses the neighbors)

You think 4-H stands for Horses, Hogs, Hoe-downs and Harleys.

You drive down the highway with dogs in the back of your pickup.

Your favorite hangout is the Phillips 66 near the freeway.

You roll your own cigarettes.

You mow your lawn with a tractor.

You have never seen a blinking light on top of a building.

Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the car window.
  (happened to my sister at the end of our street)

Your truck is taller than your house.

You own more than two snowmobiles.

You don't like those 'new-fangled' people.

You take your friends outside to watch the rabbits breed.
     (note - it's pretty funny to watch.  Well worth the time)

You share your beer with the dog.
    (my friend Steve would share his beer with our dog)

You eat 'chitlins', 'grits', or frank-and-beans frequently.

You think the remote control is your kid brother.

You taught your dog to retrieve beers from the fridge
     (note- we tried.  You need to tie a sock to the door)

                      YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF....

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take
the wheels off.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.

There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality
entertainment.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State trooper to "kiss my A*s".

The primary color of your car is "Bondo".

Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".

You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano
recital.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.

You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the
Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at
Graceland.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are
you looking at sh*thead.

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.

You think Camphor-phenique is a miracle drug.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an
opening on the lube rack.

You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of
all time.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding
picture taken.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your
father made it.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the
window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your
fireplace.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold
you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art
show or museum.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging
out of the door making sparks.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty
milk jug in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out
of the message "For a good time, call _______."

The Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same
grade.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a
woman.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem
changed to "Free Bird."

You call your boss "Dude."

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a
freebie at the "House of Tattoos."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more
pickup trucks than cars.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of
"Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy
Griffith Show."

Less than half the cars that you own run.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You've even been too drunk to fish.
Xref: sparky rec.humor:27267 soc.culture.polish:2181