From: rbw@fico.uucp
Subject: Chinese Restaurant
Reply-To: rbw%fico.UUCP@apple.com (Randy Wong)
Organization: The Fair, Isaac Companies, San Rafael, California
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 92 02:06:38 GMT

SCENE:  A table at a chinese restaurant.  A patron has just been seated.  The
restaurant is being run by an oriental family.

Man:  Hi!  You must be the waiter.
Waiter:  Yes, sir!  How may I serve you?
Man:  I'm hungry today!  What's today's special?
Waiter:  At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man:  Ha, ha.  Right.  (looks at the menu.)  Can't make up my mind.
Waiter:  Would you like some soup of the day?
Man:  What's the soup of the day?
Waiter:  Bird drop soup.  I go get bowl for you.

The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.

Waiter:  Here you go!  Soup of the day!
Man:  Great.  (Takes a sip.)  (Spits)  Yuck!  This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter:  Ha, ha!  Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man:  Yuck, yuck!  You seem to think that was funny!  You must be the
  waiter!
Waiter:  Yes!  And, you are the customer.  How may I help you?
Man:  May I see a menu, please?
Waiter:  Sure.  Menu on counter.  Next to cash register.
Man:  Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter:  Why?  You need it, I don't!
Man:  But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter:  Yes, and you are the customer!  How may I serve you?
Man:  Just get me the menu!
Waiter:  Okay, okay ...

The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.

Waiter:  Okay, here menu.  Now, what you like to order?
Man:  Let's see.  I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter:  Ah!  Beef chow fun!  You want to have some fun!  Ha, ha!  Get it?
  Have some *fun*?
Man:  Man, you have a terrible sense of humor!  You must be the waiter!
Waiter:  Yes, and you must be the customer!  How may I serve you?
Man:  May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter:  We don't serve fun here.  Not that kind of business.
Man:  What?
Waiter:  My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man:  No!!  I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter:  Ugh!  Fun in the wok!  You are *very* strange!
Man:  No, no!  Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter:  Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man:  That's what I said!
Waiter:  So sorry.  You are the customer.
Man:  You are the waiter.
Waiter:  How may I serve you?
Man:  Just get me my order.
Waiter:  No problem.

The waiter walks toward the order window.

Waiter:  One order beef chow fun!
Man:  Oh, waiter!  No MSG!
Waiter:  One order beef chow fun!  No MSG!
Cook:  Two order beef chow fun!  One no MSG!
Waiter:  No!  ONE order beef chow fun!  No MSG!
Cook:  You say TWO order beef chow fun!  One no MSG!
Waiter:  No!  I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook:  No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no
  MSG!  That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter:  Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook:  Any MSG?
Waiter:  No!
Cook:  (mumbles)  Nobody like MSG.  Don't know why.  Taste good.  Maybe
  make you a little nervous, but so does coffee ...

The waiter returns to the table.

Waiter:  Cook cook your order now.  Anything else?
Man:  Let me look at the menu.  (Looks at the menu)  Hey, waiter!  What's
  this on the menu?
Waiter:  (Looks at the menu)  Look like food.
Man:  That's disgusting!  Don't you guys clean your menus?
Waiter:  Why?
Man:  Well ... uh, I don't know.  What is it?
Waiter:  Look like chow fun.
Man:  Really?  Hmmm.

The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.

Man:  Mmmm!  That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter:  That BEEF chow fun!  You like?
Man:  Yes.  It was very tasty.  I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter:  How you know of chow fun?
Man:  What do you mean?
Waiter:  Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order
  chow fun!  You chinese?
Man:  Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter:  You from China?  What part of China you from?
Man:  Oakland.
Waiter:  Ahh!  Oakland not in China!
Man:  Try tellling that to my parents.
Cook:  Order ready!  One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter:  Here you are!  One beef chow fun!
Man:  Thanks.  Wait.  Why is there a spoon?  Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter:  Chow fun usually side dish.  We serve with spoon.
Man:  Well, I suppose I can use the spoon.  Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter:  (Looks at the little dish)  Don't know.  Hey, cook!!  Come out here!

The cook returns to the table.

Cook:  Yeah?
Man:  What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook:  Oh!  That MSG.
Man:  I said NO MSG.
Cook:  I know.  That why I put on side dish.  In case you change your mind.
Man:  I WON'T change my mind!  I don't like MSG!
Cook:  Look.  Little bit of MSG, no hurt.  Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt.
Man:  Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook:  (Angry)  Look!  I eat it!  Prove to you that MSG a-okay!

The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.

Cook:  (Smiles.)  See?  Nothing wrong!  Everything okay.

The cook stops smiling.  Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes
uncontrollably.

Man:  Uh-oh.  Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter:  No.  He just on his break.  He be okay in one hour.
Man:  You guys are nuts.  Just leave me alone.
Cook:  (Gasps)  I ... need ... water!
Waiter:  You customer?
Cook:  No.
Waiter:  You not customer, I no serve you.
Man:  May *I* have some water?
Waiter:  You customer?
Man:  Yes.  Are you a waiter?
Waiter:  Yes, how may I serve you?
Man:  I want some water.
Waiter:  Sorry.  I'm on my break.
Man:  All right.  Who will be serving me?
Waiter:  My daughter.  The waitress.

The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress, goes to the table.  She is
GORGEOUS ...

Man:  YOU'RE the waitress?
Waitress:  Yes, you are customer?
Man:  Yeah.
Waitress:  How may I serve you?
Man:  I want some more fun.
Waitress:  (slaps the patron)  I'm not that kind of girl!
Man:  (Sighs)  Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook:  (From the floor)  No MSG!



********************************************                   
* Randy Wong                               *
*                                          *
* rbw%fico.uucp@apple.com                  *
* !uunet!well!fico!rbw                     *
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* c/o Fair, Isaac and Company              *
* 120 North Redwood Drive                  *
* San Rafael, CA  94903-1996               *
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