From: webber@world.std.com (Robert D Webber)
Subject: Re: Jealousy (was Re: "poly" label and other people)
Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 15:28:38 GMT

In article <1992Aug16.045011.4617@latcs1.lat.oz.au> woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse) writes:
>bbooth@x400gate.bnr.ca (Brad Booth) writes:
>>Ron Whitetree writes:
>>> Chris English Writes:
>>> >Hmm... What about opportunities that present themselves without the
>>> >other partner being available for discussion?  Should they be
>>> >declined, and thus perhaps lost?
>>> 
>>> This seems rather shallow. After all what is more important, a moment
>>> of excitement or your previous commitments and the feelings of those
>>> you ask to believe in you. I think it is the word "opportunity" that
>>> I am objecting to. But, any "opportunity" worthwhile will not likely
>>> be lost.
>>
>>[...] if you
>>want to prevent this indecision, you should discuss this situation with
>>your partner before this situation presents itself.  Then you will know
>>where you stand.
>
>   Precisely what I was going to say. I try to let my sweeties know in
>advance (more out of a sense of being polite, than "asking" them or
>something like that), but failing that we *do* have a bit of a general
>policy on these things : Play Safe, Hurt No-one. (The Witches' Rede in
>a Poly domain? 8->).

And once again we have this confounding of sex and love, I think.  What
if you're on a trip and you meet someone on an airplane (unequipped
with "Airfones") and you start talking and you fall in some kind of
love with that person?  If the discussion is limited to sex as a
violation of a commitment this isn't a problem, but I don't think
I've met many monoamorous people for whom the objections to outside
involvements are limited to sex.  As someone (Joe?) noted elsewhere,
sometimes even lunch with another is a cause for concern and jealousy,
and as someone else (Muffy?) noted, at the most only a few (and probably
no) people can really control their emotions and decide who to fall in
love with and how much.  So what do you do when you fall for someone
and your partner isn't around?

It's a good thing to discuss ahead of time: if you're poly this way
it'd better be understood that these things will happen.  How you
deal with them when they do is something you have to work out
between everyone involved.

>   Uh, looking over that parenthetical comment above, it may seem like
>I'm saying "This is what I'm going to do, I'm not asking permission,
>too bad if you don't like it". That's *not* what I'm saying, but Karina &
>I very deliberately do not have a "veto" arrangement (there was a very
>big debate about this on Bisexu-L earlier in the year). I don't mean to
>drag this argument up, but a comment one person made stuck in my mind :
>"Having a veto arrangement in a non-monogamous context is attempting to
>make a non-monogamous relationship function monogamously".

Thank you, Joe!  I'd been trying to formulate just what it is about
these veto things that bothers me, and hadn't been able to come up
with anything more general than, "It just doesn't work for me."

>   *On the other hand*, I'm very uncomfortable at the idea of proceding
>blithely on and ignoring, say, distress at the idea on the part of an
>existing partner. Hasn't happened yet, and frankly I can't imagine many
>contexts where it might, but it's a fine line to walk.

My ex-wife got involved with someone I really disliked at one point,
and the idea of her discussing me in pillow talk with this other
really distressed me.  Having my feelings acknowledged and discussed
helped a lot, and we came to some kind of compromise about it: I guess
the important notion is that we can be independent enough to find
other people we love, but we have to love each other enough to try
to reconcile all these potentially conflicting  affections.

>   I *do* know that monogamy is *never again* an option for *me*. I
>won't tell other people *they* have to be Poly, but I won't be told by
>them that *I* can't. It's a sanity-preserving measure, much like many
>Bi people finding they start becoming more and more focussed on wanting 
>Bi partners (I'm trying not to overgeneralize, but I *have* heard a lot
>of Bi people say this. I've also heard plenty who don't).

>Joe

Bob


-- 
Bob Webber, webber@world.std.com ===========================================
==========================================================  Laurie Anderson:
Our plan is to drop odd objects onto your country from the air.  And some
of these objects will be useful, and some of them will just be odd.