From: clare@nynexst.com (Clare Chu)
Subject: Re:  Father Fixation
Organization: Nynex Science and Technology
Distribution: world,local
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 92 12:48:20 GMT

In article <1992Jul29.233824.1450@ultra.com> rajiv@ultra.com (Rajiv Dhingra) writes:
>
>My marriage is going through a trying time and I  am  writing  to
>this newsgroup for some advice.
>
>One of the main problems that I have with my wife is her  "father
>fixation".  Let me explain.  My wife is extremely attached to her
>father.   During  her  addoloscent  years  she  never    rebelled
>against  her  parents.   To  this day she never has had any argu-
>ments with him.  Daddy is always right.  She asks  him  for   his
>opinion   and  his  advise on various matters, and once she hears
>his side there is nothing I can do to  change  her  mind.  Issues
>like where we settle  down,  how  we potty train our two year old
>daughter, etc, are essentially decided by him.  Things  that  she
>did   not  do  during her  youth  (because  of  extremely  strict
>rules at home) are my fault for marrying her, not her fathers for
>putting   restrictions  on   her and hers for obeying them.  If I
>disagree with her father on  anything  (ranging  on  whether  the
>football  game  was  lost  by the defensive team or the offensive
>team, to the under-lying cause of the LA riots), I am being  rude
>and  dis-respectful.   If  I  say that a tea-spoon of brandy will
>help a cranky child who has a bad cold I am inducing a kid  to be
>alcoholic;   Daddy  says the same thing and it is given, no ques-
>tions asked. The situation with her mother is similar, but not as
>bad.

  Did you know about this before you were married?  It seems that
  she has not grown up to be her own person yet.  I think it is
  extremely trying to be married to someone who doesn't value
  your opinion and blindly agrees with an outside party no matter
  what the issue is.  Especially as the outside party are her
  parents.
>
>There is no history of any abuse, physical or sexual.

  That you know of.
>
>Daddy dearest was  miles again, but  now he has retired  and  has
>relocated  to  the  same  town as  we are in ( to be close to his
>daughter).  He has another daughter who is also in the same  town
>-  she is divorced. She had a lot of problems with her ex, one of
>them was the same one as I have.

  Oh no.  Not in the same town.  I think maybe you were aware of
  it before you were married, but it didn't bother you too much
  since her father was miles away.  But that now you are in the
  same town, he probably comes over all the time.  And you feel
  like you're outnumbered where everyone is ganged up against
  you, the outsider.  Personally I would have a lot of problem
  being married to someone whose parents were the boss.  I would
  feel like I can't make any of my own decisions even in my own
  house.
>
>There are many-a-time that I feel that I have married her father!
>I  do want a long term marriage but fear that in the coming years
>our relation-ship will deteriorate.  The thought of moving out of
>the area has crossed my mind, but that would be running away from
>the problem, not solving it. Furthermore the problem might follow
>me!!

  No kidding.  I think you need to impress on your wife that you
  feel there is a problem, and therefore there is a problem.
  And then go and get marriage counseling.  She will probably
  resist saying it's your problem, your jealousy, etc.  However
  impress upon her that if you have a problem, then she has
  a problem if she wants to stay married to you, and therefore
  both of you need to get counseling.
>
>I have told my wife what I think, but she flatly  denies  it  and
>says that I am jealous and possesive. I think that I am right.  I 
>have confided in some common friends who tend to agree with me.
>
>Any suggestions, thoughts, opinions would be highly appreciated.
>
>Rajiv
>