From: miller@b-mrda.ca.boeing.com (Mark Miller)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Re: "Love" Triangle
Date: 20 Aug 92 18:53:14 GMT
Organization: Boeing Commercial Airplanes MR&D

Susan, as I've read these two posts, the images of a dozen or more kids
that I've known through teaching Sunday School come to mind. I certainly
don't have any sure-fire solutions, but I have a few thoughts. Let me
preface them by saying that I don't know your neighbors, and I don't
in any way presume to judge their parenting skills. Further disclaimer:
I have no expertise other than two children of my own (Jessica, age
8 going on 32 and Christopher, age 7), and ten years of teaching Sunday
School, much of it at the elemetary level.

It does indeed seem as though Matthew is starved for attention. Some kids
I know are just naturally this way, no matter what sort of a home they live
in. Others are understandably attention-starved (i.e. it gets understandable
in a hurry when you observe the parents). Some of the more prounounced
cases I have been confronted with involved a young boy with a physically
or mentally absent father. 

In the Sunday School scenario, I try to get to know the parents of the
kids in my class whether or not the parents attend our church. (Some
come with friends, other relatives, etc.) This gives me some insight
on the kid, and occasionally allows me to feed back some useful info
to the parents. When I have a child who seems especially "challenged"
(for the P.C. sensitive among us...), I go see the parents, like usual,
and I spend lots of time bragging about their child. From here, things
vary depending on the response from the parents.

Usually, the parents like hearing about all the things they have done
right as parents. That establishes a positive relationship (if there's
any hope at all doing so) and allows further contact and conversation.
Sometimes one of the parents says something like "Well, I wish he was
like that at home...". I innocently ask "What do you mean?". The 
ensuing discussion often reveals problems and challenges in the kid's
life. Sometimes I get information that helps me build a stronger
relationship with the child. (Knowing that Grandpa just died helps me
deal with certain behavior better, for example.)

If this discussion doesn't happen on the first visit, I'll stay in
contact with the parents and build the relationship until I can safely
(for the kid, that is) tell the parents about what I've observed in 
class. Sometimes that gets the ball rolling on a constructive dialog.
One such instance resulted in Mom reducing her working hours to spend
more time with her kids. (Disclaimer: This is *NOT* an indictment of 
working moms. This was one family's solution to a specific problem.)

Sometimes the parents cannot or will not recognize or admit that there
is a problem at all. That's a hard case.  At that point, I try to get
permission to spend time with the child outside of class. We go fishing,
hiking, etc. with my kids. I do this in hopes of 1) demonstrating to
the parents that there may be a better way of relating to the child and
2) to show the child that not all adults are creeps (This is especially
tough if there has been physical or severe mental abuse.) and that
he doesn't need to grow up to be a creep. (Keep in mind that I'm
trying to look at this through the eyes of a child, rather than pass
judgement as an adult). 

I realize that this is somewhat different from your situation, Susan. You
have a problem with someone coming into your home. I'm going out with
the purpose of helping a child who may be having problems at home. I
related all this to suggest that trying to actively help Matthew and
his parents (even if it's just becoming friends with them) will probably
solve your problem much faster than allowing the current situation to
continue. If you read this far, I thank you for your patience, and I
hope this helps.

BTW, I also realize that sometimes nothing helps. (sigh...)

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Mark R. Miller                     | 
Boeing Commercial Airplane Company | 
Seattle, WA                        | 
Internet: miller@b-mrda.boeing.com | 
Voicenet: (206) 237-0960           |  
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Opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.
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