From: mjmh@crsa.bu.edu (Michael J M Holmes)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: second thoughts about a friendship
Date: 10 Dec 92 16:58:38 GMT
Organization: Boston University Center for Remote Sensing


/* sighs, and walks over to where Feather is seated (perched?).

He puts two purple hands behind her chair, and begins to speak.

"I know this seems like a big problem, and I know how
scary and frustrating it must be.  My advice to you is going
to be a little bit different from everyone else's, but I
am also going to put conditions on it as well."

"The conditions are that you consider the source.  And I will
try to explain this as I can.  As I may have remarked in the
past, I too am typically an outgoing, spontaneous, and often
brash person.  And that's not just on the outside!  My
foundation is a pretty sturdy sense of self-esteem that has
carried me through a lot.  I'm not as egotistical as I used
to be, though - my self-esteem nowadays acknowledges that I
am all too human, but that I have a lot of strengths and my
intentions are honorable.  Plus I really *like* myself."

"The reason I mention that is because I have been in
similar, or related, situations.  My response has been, and
would be, to try to assist the person in a few different
ways."

"More specific to your situation, I would ask if you
really have lost all feelings of friendship for this man,
or is it just an initial reaction due to the shock and
surprise of his declaration to you.  This is important
to work out, because it should dictate how you deal with
the rest of this situation.  Take a day or two before
you make up your mind.  If you still decide you no longer
feel any friendship towards him, then you should quickly
and cleanly sever the ties, being as honest as you can,
and cushioning the blow as best as you are able."

"However, if some vestiges of friendship remain - I
would suggest something similar, but more drawn out.
Don't put yourself at risk - but you may have an
opportunity to help someone who seems to really need
it at this stage."

"Start by corresponding with him - either electronically
or snailmail.  Don't use the phone.  Spell out just
about everything you've told us - honesty is crucial.
Tell him clearly that you care for him but *not* in the
way he feels for you.  Also tell him how surprised you
were, that you had no inkling of his feelings.  Go on
to tell him how disturbed you were by his self-report.
(Is this sudden, or were there hints of this?  How old 
is he?).  Let him know that you want to remain his friend
and support him, but only if he knows where the boundaries
are.  Also, let him know it is important to you that he
begin to realize that he *is* a worthwhile person, and
that his negativity is: untrue; hurting him and holding
him back; and also hurting the people who care for him.

"You may also want to mention that someone who doesn't
truly love themselves can never love another, or even
be a true friend."

"Where you go from there depends on his response.  A
caring friend may be able to get him to think in
different ways, try new things, eventually boost his
self-esteem.  If it comes to an extreme, a trusted 
friend may also suggest counseling when appropriate,
and this can also be a big help (if the situation
calls for it, of course)."

"But this is a harder road than simply distancing
yourself.  You need to be sure of yourself, and you
need to be strong enough to help him yet *not* 
become his life preserver or his idol.  It's tricky,
requires patience, a lot of honesty, and constantly
checking up on him to make sure he isn't backsliding
(especially where his feelings for you are concerned)."

/* looks at Feather carefully.  "I don't want you to
take this advice if you feel it's something you can't
handle emotionally.  You could always take an intermediate
route, and try to have some of his geographically closer
friends or family take over."

The purple one sighs again.  "I have this difficulty when
it comes to friends in trouble - I can't *not* help them.
Whether it's support or a kick in the behind or a shouting
match that's required, that's the role I play.  There are a lot
of reasons I do this; friendship, caring, my own sense of how
lucky I have been, and a feeling that since *I* am strong
enough to do this, then *I'm* the one who should do it."

"But that's my style, and it may not work for everyone.
First and foremost, your responsibility is to yourself.
Then, if possible, you can be a strong support to someone
who obviously needs help.  You are the only one who can
make that decision, and whatever you do, *I* support you."

With that, he offers a very purple hug...






-- 
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Mike Holmes       mjmh@crsa.bu.edu           "Happiness Will Prevail!"
Boston University Department of Geography (a truly GREAT place to work!)
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Organization: Sophomore, Mechanical Engineering, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA