From: lkahn@mitre.org (Larry Kahn)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Opinion/insight- becoming friends with an 'ex'
Date: 31 Aug 92 18:03:38 GMT
Organization: The MITRE Corporation

Original text --
I'd guess this is a newsgroup without a FAQ, so I'll post this here...  
This
is a semibizarre thing going on in my life, and thought perhaps someone 
would
have experience or insight into the situation...

Eight years ago (in high school) I dated a young woman for a year.  First
serious relationship for each of us, etc, etc.  We broke up peacefully, but
six months later got in a HUGE fight.  Never spoke again after that.

Several years later, a current friend of mine meets someone at a party.  
They
become friends instantly.  Turns out this person is the same woman I dated
eight years ago.  As soon as my name is brought up (by my current friend, 
when
realizing we went to the same high school), she flips out and stops 
talking to
her.

As it turns out, my ex is now engaged to someone that works with another
friend of mine.  Through the link of common friends, I've learned she is 
still
so uncomfortable with my "existance" that she doesn't want to persue a
friendship with the woman she met at the party because she and I are (very
good) friends.  Apparently, whatever happened years ago is still bugging 
her,
to the point she still wants to avoid me at all costs.

I find this just plain wrong.  I don't like to be at odds with anyone.  I 
feel
this is something "unresolved" that I would like to put to rest.  Bury the
hatchet, etc.  I'm trying to figure out a decent way of approaching the
situation, with a low risk of scaring her away (or getting our common 
friends
very involved).  My goal is to bring a peaceful end of seven years of (what
seems now like) a very silly fight.

I've written her a couple letters over the years, with no response.

Anyone out there been through a similar situation?  I'd be particularly
interested in the point of view of one who did NOT want to be approached 
by an
"ex", to get a better point of view on what she might be going through.
Anything appreciated!
----------------------------------------------------
Sounds like your ex is pretty extreme about holding grudges.  I've known a 
few people like this and finally decided that there isn't much you can do 
if the person wants to be that way.  I suspect that she is acting out of 
some sense of pride, or maybe just likes to stay a victim of the past.  
Not knowing her it's hard to say for sure, but I figure life's too short 
to worry about things that you apparently have no influence on.  If you're 
sure she got your letters, then if she wanted to respond she could have.  
I wouldn't beat my head against the wall too long, about the only thing 
I'd do is be reasonably nice when talking about her if her name comes up 
with your friends.



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   | Larry Kahn                       |                                  |
   | The MITRE Corporation            |   BE REASONABLE. DO IT MY WAY.   |
   | lkahn@mitre.org                  |                                  |
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   |  These opinions may not coincide with my employer's (not that they  |
   |  pay any attention to an insignificant lackey like me, anyhow).     |
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