From: cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: To all who read a.s.a.r.
Date: 28 Jul 92 20:15:11 GMT
Organization: University of Washington

erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp) writes:

>bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan) writes:
>: I think it is very appropriate to blame someone that has
>: abused you.  It is irrelevant whether or not they were abused.
>: Putting the blame on them, instead of yourself, is a very big,
>: and important step.

>But that's only the first step.  Eventually, forgiveness of the perp is
>going to be necessary for you to complete your healing.  Imagine how
>skewed your life would be (or perhaps already is) if you carry around
>all this emotional baggage.  To put it another way, you are trading one
>set of emotional baggage (guilt, etc.) for another (hate for the perp).
>Hate may keep you warm at night, but it will eventually consume you. :(

why is forgiveness going to be necessary?  i do not understand this.  i do not
plan on forgiving my perp.  he did some horrible things to me.  i believe that
i have managed to understand what he did and how it has affected me, and have
worked around those effects.  i believe that i am a sane, functional individual
now.  but he did very bad things to me.  why should i forgive him?  did he ever
say he was sorry?  no.  did he ever try to make amends?  no.  did he show the
slihtest signs of remorse?  no.  why should i forgive him?  why?  i do not
understand how it harms me to not forgive him.

>: IMHO, forgiveness is not necessary.  Anger can be a very empowering 
>: thing.  I have no intention of forgiving the man that raped me.
>: If it happens, it happens, but I don't intend to try for it.
>: The anger I feel for him does not eat me up inside, it empowers
>: me.  It makes me feel like I am worth it.  I deserve to get angry.

>You base your self-esteem on anger?  Not a good idea, IMHO.  You "deserve"
>to get angry?  Hmmm...certainly you have that right -- we all do, but the
>use of the word "deserve" rings alarm bells in my head.  Are you saying that
>you "deserve" to get angry because that outlet had been denied you earlier?

i think what karla is saying is something else.  i think she is saying that
anger is an appropiate and healthy response to what was done to her.  to get
angry about it affirms that she has enough self worth to get upset about bad
things having been done to her.  i do not think she is basing her self-esteem
on anger.  i agree that to do so would be a bad idea.

>For most of my childhood, if I got angry, I was not allowed to express that.
>I was told, "you'd better scratch your mad spot and get glad!"  It took me
>a long time to figure out the idea of "appropriate anger".

i think that karla is calling this "appropriate anger," and i think she's
right. 

>: Someone did something terrible to me, and I deserve to be 
>: angry.  Anger is a very healing thing.  Even if one possess
>: anger for all of their life, it is healing...  IMHO, when

>I doubt it.  Anger can be a tool for transformation, giving you the will
>(and the courage) to make needed change, but when it's task is done, why
>not let it go?  I think you will see the wisdom of this after a while.

yes; anger is hard work.  it takes a lot of energy.  being constantly angry
takes a lot out of you and generally wears you down.  from my experience, being
angry for a long time leads to a bout of depression later, because i was too
emotionally tired and drained.

>: anger is held inside and one tries to forgive before they are
>: ready, then this anger tends to come out in other, non-productive
>: ways.  Anger directed at the right person, is very healthy.

>Anger should be like the weather.  It should flow through you, expressing itself
>in appropriate ways, then let go.  It should vanish.  Anger held, anger denied,
>is a sure prescription for illness.

tell me about it.  :)

>: A lot of times, figuring out who is to "blame," or who is
>: responsible is a very necessary and important thing.  Primarily
>: because children, when abused, tend to blame themselves.  It
>: is a defnese mechanism to find all the reasons why it was your 
>: fault.  Because of that, I think it is VERY important to attribute
>: blame (or responsiblity) where it is necessary.  It is about
>: recognizing that you did nothing wrong...
>: It is very important.

>For a first step, certainly.  But as you go through your healing, you may
>come to find that there is no one to blame for anything.

or you may find that one clearly identifiable person is to blame.

in the balance, i think you are both right about some things.  yes, anger is
important and can be healthy, but like anything, too much of it can turn it
into a toxin.
-- 
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