Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk (Mary Branscombe)
Subject: Re: Definition of "monogamy"?
Reply-To: maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 01:06:00 +0000


thanks for the details...
> Okay, the problem in alt.poly started when someone introduced themselves
> as being currently involved with two people, yet having a preference for
> the monogamous lifestyle.  Another person flamed them for using
> "monogamous" incorrectly, and the rest is history.
Hmmm. Can I be picky about definitions as well. Express a preference 
for does not mean believe in or want to live that way in your current 
life. I'd express a prefernce for having lots of money, but I can't 
choose to live that way because of external circumstances... you  
might *watn to be in a monogmaous relationship but care about somene 
who wants to be in a poly relationship... The basis for the flame 
sounds shakey to me... still, it's interesting to see teh viewpoints 
on this. The main one emerging is "be true to yourself", which is one 
of my principles. Along with" try just about anything at least once, 
as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else".
> 
> Part of the reason I'm asking here about monogamy is that it really
> doesn't make sense to me in some fundamental way: it makes a set of
> artificial distinctions that don't apply in Real Life.
> 
> Let's start with emotional monogamy.  I love my parents, I love my
> sister, I love a lot of the people I know from this Place -- in what way
> is my love for Stef really any different?  Why shouldn't I share a
> similar kind of love with many other people?  Note that I do recognize
> that there's a time-based component to love: you can't really love
> someone as *intensely* when you spend less time with them, and the
> *quality* of the love also changes.
Do you really *love them all in the same way? Isn't there a 
difference between teh way you feel about parents, sisters, close 
friends and your significant other (?Stef if I read that para right). 
I love my mother and my friends in a platonic, dear friend, way. When 
I have a lover, a beloved, a mate - what I feel for them is 
different, sometimes more intense - it's a sharing and a giving and a 
comitting that goes beyond what I feel for even teh dearest, most 
loved friend. It's the emnotional basis for physical monogmay in my 
case. Which I define currently as nothing sexual, nothing erotic, 
nothing arousing. Non-sexual touching, closeness, backrubs, hugs, 
even smooches i feel I can share with anyone I(and they) want to. 
Stuff where the *intention is sex/sexual stays within a mongamous 
relationship. The difference between a friendly kiss and a 
sexy/romantic kiss is again *intention... and desire/what you want to 
do.
The line is drawn - where you and your partner and the others 
invloved want it to be. Negoatiate on where that is and decide whose 
wants, needs and desires come first.
We use the one word" love" for lots of stuff. The gamy in monogamy is 
"marriage/union/sex". The "amory" in polyamory (polygamy is deemed a 
judgemental word, I am told - suggestions of bigamy?) is 
"love/lust/relationship" The latin "amo" I love is much more fuzzy 
than the greek terms. Gamy is union/marriage. Eros is sexual love and 
desire. There is a difference even between lover and beloved one. 
There is also "love" of parents, state, family, friends, stamps and 
the like - philia - which means liking, affection, seeing the person, 
object or concept as "dear to you". 
What about divine love? religious love?
We use the one same term for so many things and debase it even 
further - "I just *love* aubergines...". So it's a confused term and 
it's better to elaborate. What *exactly do you feel about different 
individuals - define that each time and you may find that one time 
you use the word love is very different from another time.

Haven't even *broached** the difference between love and lust - but 
that's usually much more obvious.

Semantics and etymology - I love it (whoops, didn't even *see that 
one coming!)

Mary MerryTail (my tail is clutching a pile of virtual dictionaries 
and the like)



+-------------------------------------------+--------------------------+
| Ommmmmm, said the lift                    |maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk |
| Organisation: Me? You're joking, right?   |maryb@cix.compulink.uucp  |
|I know I type "teh" for "the" My fingers have their own accent ;-)    |
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Newsgroups: alt.callahans