From: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Subject: Re: To all who read a.s.a.r. 
Reply-To: bu850@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Karla M. Alwan)
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 92 21:02:12 GMT


In a previous article, wdp@gagme.chi.il.us (Bill Pfeiffer) says:

>
>
>First of all, stop playing sexual/romantic games with eachother.
>IMHO this is the beginning of abuse.  We tease, and lie and play
>games, sending out false or semi-true statements which confuse and,
>often wind up angering, each other. Signals like "come & get me"
>followed by "you should have known, all I wanted was to be held". 
>It is a power play and it is like drinking booze.  The feelings are
>nice at first, exhillerating.  But the end product is agony and pain.  
>
>If we could but treat others a bit more straighforeward and honest, a
>lot of abuse would be eliminated, I believe.  One thing that angers a
>man (and I assume a woman might feel a similar way) is to feel like
>he has been used and manipulated.  Many men will respond in an angry
>way to this because of society's conditioning ("..  What kind of man
>ARE you to let her jerk you around..." goes the macho thinking).
>
>Yet the other partner is getting a thrill out of the game, because SHE
>essentially feels powerless and sees this as a way to gain control.
>Unfortunately,this kind of sexual/romantic game-playing goes on ALL
>the time, and it creates a mistrust and underlying anger which will
>eventually come out.
>
>So partner one manipulates, with a wink in her/his eye, and partner
>two follows suit.  Soon, however, the game gets lost and it becomes 
>_real_.  The nip and tuck of sex games becomes a tightly
>woven mesh of interconnected guilt and punnishment for things only
>known by one of the partners.  The 'frivolity' of the chase is now the
>pathology of abuse and nobody remembers how or where it started.
>
>Like the line in the Pink Floyd album that says "..There must have
>been a door in this wall, when I came in..."  How sad.  
>
>So I say we try our best to treat intimate partners with respect and
>honesty, lest we build a torture chamber of 'little white' lies and 
>'innocent' deciet.   Forego the little thrill of the game and you
>might avoid the agony of ultimate defeat. 

The problem with all of this, is that most people don't
know what they want in the first place.  It is very common
for people to think they want sex when they really want something
else.  Sex is an EXTREMELY powerfull thing.  And most of lifes
stresses show up in your own sexuality.  To accomplish complete
honesty, I think, requires years of sole searching. Certainly this
should be a goal:  to figure exactly what it is that you really
want when you claim to want sex.  But I don't think anyone should
be thought of as a bad person because they have not accoplished
this.  Furthermore, I think when most people tease, it usually
is an emotional need that somehow needs to be fullfilled.  Sex
is a complicated thing...   And for sexual abuse survivors,
all of this is magnified about 100 times over.  Sex is no longer 
clear.  It is so intermixed with hundreds of other feelings..


>
>Next, I guess I'd just like to see less fighting and more attempts to
>understand each-other.  Perhaps take a deep breath and realize that we
>are all human and all imperfect.  Realize that an angry person is
>suffering too, crying out in the language (s)he has learned from a
>mixed up, confused world.  A world that champions power-trippers and
>hard-asses from the television and other media to peer presure and
>family upbringing.  
>
>Like I said in the previous post, people (adults) can choose who they
>play with.  If their choices are tainted by attitudes learned from
>abusive childhoods, that is sad and must be dealt with.  However, it
>is high time that those of us associated with the general field of
>mental health and recovery started to address the problem of projection
>and blame.  I know too well that there is a cycle to abuse and that
>each time it goes around, it gets deeper and deeper ingrained and
>hidden behind a wall of anger, numbness, revenge, denial and cynacism.

I think it is very appropriate to blame someone that has
abused you.  It is irrelevant whether or not they were abused.
Putting the blame on them, instead of yourself, is a very big,
and important step.

>
>Learning the differnece between blame and responsibility is essential.
>One must take responsibility, but one needn't assume blame.  To my way
>of thinking, it is counterproductive to cultivate and encourage
>someone to believe that 'the other person' is the problem.  To me,
>that is giving away whatever power one posesses.  It also encourages
>the person to stop looking at the issues and thus tending to repeat
>their mistakes with the next relationship.
>
>Hate cripples, forgiveness heals... period.  Forgiveness does not
>expunge the other person, it simply says .. "I refuse to allow the hatred to
>drag me down and cripple me".  It also says .. "I will not allow my
>past to become my future".  Punishing the 'other person' will feel
>good for a moment, but will only result in obsessing over ones past
>pain.  A quote from Buddah (no I am NOT a Buddist) says .. "what a
>person thinketh in his[her] heart, so he[she] is."  This is very true.
>What we think about we bring about and if I languish over someone who
>hurt me, I keep that pain alive.
>
>I am not suggesting that it is an easy task to forgive or 'get past'.
>I am just suggesting that if is a far more productive road than
>indulging in anger and blame.  That road, too, is difficult.  The
>difference is that the former road leads OUT of the hellstorm of
>recrimination and hate, the latter just leads further into it.
>Also, I do not forgive for the benefit of the 'other guy'  I do so for
>MY benefit.  It is only as a side effect that it winds up helping
>and healing him/her as well. 

ON ANGER:


Way too many times does this become a form of denial:  "If I 
forgive this person, then it is over and I can go on...".  This
usually isn't true.  In the realm of child abuse, far more
has to happen than forgiveness.  The phrased "forgive and forget"
is a big culpret for people denying abuse.  They "fogive and
forget," then they go on, and never deal with the issues at hand.

IMHO, forgiveness is not necessary.  Anger can be a very empowering 
thing.  I have no intention of forgiving the man that raped me.
If it happens, it happens, but I don't intend to try for it.
The anger I feel for him does not eat me up inside, it empowers
me.  It makes me feel like I am worth it.  I deserve to get angry.
Someone did something terrible to me, and I deserve to be 
angry.  Anger is a very healing thing.  Even if one possess
anger for all of their life, it is healing...  IMHO, when
anger is held inside and one tries to forgive before they are
ready, then this anger tends to come out in other, non-productive
ways.  Anger directed at the right person, is very healthy.

Forgiveness is certainly an option, but I don't think it
is required.  And I don't think anger, or hate are the
problem (unless vented in an inappropriate way --- usually resulting
from keeping it inside too long...).

ON BLAME:

A lot of times, figuring out who is to "blame," or who is
responsible is a very necessary and important thing.  Primarily
because children, when abused, tend to blame themselves.  It
is a defnese mechanism to find all the reasons why it was your 
fault.  Because of that, I think it is VERY important to attribute
blame (or responsiblity) where it is necessary.  It is about
recognizing that you did nothing wrong...
It is very important.



-Just my $.02 worth...

-Karla



>
>Just sumpthin' to chew on.
>
>Bill Pfeiffer
>
> 
>

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|Karla.Alwan@lambada.oit.unc.edu             |
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|bu850@cwns16.ins.cwru.edu                   |
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery