From: maci9154@mach1.wlu.ca (macivor dawna)
Subject: Re: Suggestions needed....
Organization: Wilfrid Laurier University
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 23:28:19 GMT

In article <1992Nov23.132304.11930@rdg.dec.com> veburst@contra.enet.dec.com (KSV) writes:
>
>My very best friend in the world is a 21 year old male.  I've never been so 
>close (emotionally) as I am with him (not even with my ex).  I can honestly
>say he is the only male that I trust implicitly never to brutalise me or
>humiliate me the way my ex-husband did.  He has always treated me with
>kindness, love, respect and tenderness. 

I'm glad you're able to be that close to him, especially looking at your
past history! =)

>
>Now for the problem at hand.... he says he loves me as a friend but because 
>I have a daughter and have been married and divorced, as well as being 9 
>years his senior, he "can't" love me.  According to him, it's not a matter 
>of wanting to love me, it's a matter of ability to do so because of the 
>above-mentioned problems.  Even so, he has done so many things for me that 
>'just friends' don't normally do (at least in my experience).

I don't think he "can't" love you - that's saying he isn't able to love you
at all in a way more than a friend.  Age doesn't have to be a problem - I
dated a guy younger than me at one time and we didn't let it us stop us from
having a relationship.  Maybe the fact that you've been through so much, and
have a child already, scares him a little.  It's not hard to love someone as
long as you let yourself.

>I guess what I don't understand is why is it that loving someone who has a 
>kid and was married is an insurmountable problem, but loving someone who 
>lives 10,000 miles away that you'll only see a couple times a year for 2 or 
>3 weeks at a time is okay and surmountable?  Is it an age/maturity thing?  
>Is it something he'll 'grow out of'?  I've tried so hard to let him go... 
>to just be his friend... to stuff my own feelings for him... I even succeed 
>at stuffing my feelings sometimes... but there are so many other times when 
>all I want is for him to hold me and cry my eyes out because I love him so 
>much and he "can't" return the love.

Both have their problems and both can be overcome.  You just have to be
willing to try and make it work.  It sounds like an age thing, and you
should not let that hamper you (or he shouldn't).  If he does care about
you, it will come around.  It hurts, and I empathise, but hopefully it'll
work out.

>
>Maybe I'm just completely stupid in hoping that some day he'll get over the 
>marriage/kid thing and will be able to love me fully... so many things he 
>does even now feels so much like love... i.e. we sit down to watch 
>a movie at my place; he holds my hand or cuddles with me... when we're in 
>the car together, he holds my hand while one of us is driving (depending 
>on whose car we're in)... he buys me things that 'boyfriends' buy for their 
>girlfriends... he hugs me and holds me and kisses my cheek when we say 
>good-bye for the day or night... we've slept in the same bed (nothing has 
>happened) and he's waken me with a soft kiss on the cheek or a gentle 
>caress...

It sounds like he does love you - a lot of guys wouldn't act that way if
they didn't care.  Have you asked him if that's what bothers him?  He sounds
like a wonderful relationship at any rate..... I'd love to have a
relationship like the one you just described. <sigh>  

>How do you stop loving someone you see almost every day and who hasn't done 
>anything wrong?????  I don't want to stop loving him... I don't want to say  a
>final good-bye to him because even based on friendship alone, he's the  best
>thing that's ever happened to me... I don't want to lose our  friendship or our
>closeness but I don't know how to stop the deeper  feelings from seeping in and
>making me sad that we don't have more right now....

You don't stop loving someone - I doubt you ever stop loving anyone.  I'd
try to talk to him... say just what you said above.... he knows your
feelings already so it won't be a surprise.  That's about all you can do.
You can't force him to love you, and if it doesn't happen try to go on with
life.  You deserve to be happy!  I hope I don't sound too harsh - I'm a
romantic and I tend to be optimistic, but I stay realistic too.


>
>Suggestions?  Opinions?  Should I take a long walk off a short pier?  
>
>Please either respond here or by email to veburst@contra.enet.dec.com
>Thanks....
>
>-- KSV

I hope I've been a help.  If you need someone to just listen, please don't
hesitate to write me!

Smiles and positive thoughts and hugs too,
  Dawna =)


*hug* =) *hug* (= *hug* =) *hug* (= *hug* =) *hug* (= *hug* =) *hug* (=

          You can't give a hug without getting one back!
                               - Garfield

Dawna MacIvor maci9154@mach1.wlu.ca   Waterloo, Ontario, Canada