From: udcrusd@meaddata.com (Sylvia D'Cruz)
Subject: Reconciliation, Separation and Divorce
Organization: Mead Data Central, Dayton OH
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1992 20:26:52 GMT
Distribution: soc.culture.indian

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                              The Associated Press

The materials in the AP file were compiled by The Associated Press. These
materials may not be republished without the express written consent of The
Associated Press.

                        March  27, 1992, Friday, BC cycle

An AP New Dimensions Feature - 
Reconciliation is Often as Stressful as Separation and Divorce

By COSMOPOLITAN
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A Hearst Magazine
   For AP Special Features

   The majority of married couples who separate will reconcile - but the
reconciliations don't necessarily stick.

   Experts estimate that there are as many as three separations before every
divorce.

   "I've seen couples separate and reconcile repeatedly, sometimes over a
10-year period," said Judith Wallerstein, executive director of the Center for
the Family in Transition in Corte Madera, Calif., and author of a study of the
effects of divorce on men, women and children.

   "If the reconciliation is simply 'geographical' - if the couple moves back
into the house or bedroom without any attempt to change their interactions -
then it probably won't work. But if a reconciliation is psychological, if the
couple is really committed to sitting down together and seeing how they can
change their behavior, then getting back together may be a good idea."

   Experts are discovering that reconciliation can be as stressful as separation
and divorce.

   Studying the behavior of divorcing couples in seven Cleveland suburbs, Gay C.
Kitson, associate professor of sociology at the University of Akron, and Jean K.
Langlie, an Ohio internist, found that the reconciled reported more domestic
violence, more physician visits and more psychosomatic complaints than married
or divorced couples.

   If reconciliation is difficult, why do people do it? Maurine D. Patten, a
Chicago clinical psychotherapist, said we are drawn to mates who remind us most
of our parents; that a man with a clinging, controlling mother may marry a needy
woman whose constant demands for attention reassure and at the same time annoy
him.

   "The person we choose," Patten said, "is a composite of the positive and
negative traits of our parents. We keep going back to them, because we are
trying to heal that early relationship, to get it right."

   Colorado divorce therapist Bruce Fisher said couples can "get it right," as
long as "they are patient and willing to face their demons." He had a client who
kicked her husband out of the house, then phoned him two months later to say she
was really trying to get rid of her mother and had dumped the wrong person.

   "The husband came back," he said, "and, believe it or not, they're still
married."

   Whether couples reconcile or divorce, Wallerstein urged parents to help their
children understand what's happening.

   "I've seen a lot of kids utterly baffled when they come home one day and find
Daddy there again," she said. "On one level, it's an answer to a child's fantasy
that Mom and Dad will get back together again. On another level they think,
since I don't know why you left and why you came back, maybe you're going to do
it again if I do something bad.

   "Parents need to sit down with their children and explain what's going on in
rational, sober language so that the adult world doesn't seem crazy and
unpredictable."

   For couples considering reconciling, here are some expert suggestions:

   - Wait three to six months before moving back together. This will give you
time and avoid the embarrassment of a second separation.

   - Talk to a close friend or psychotherapist but beware of confiding in
relatives - they tend to take sides or offer advice.

   - Don't blame him for the failure of the relationship - both of you made
mistakes.

   - If you have children, keep them informed.

   - Don't worry about what people will think.

   - Begin by changing the little things that caused friction - taking care of
the little stuff makes the big stuff more manageable.

   - Be patient. Treat your troubled marriage like a sick child; baby it, give
it plenty of rest and let it follow its own timetable for healing.
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Sylvia D. D'Cruz                                
Mead Data Central                               Systems & Product Technology
Bldg. VI, 9595 Springboro Pike                          udcrusd@meaddata.com
Miamisburg, Ohio 45342                                        (513) 865-6800   
                                               
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