From: anon-1250@twwells.com (Kevin)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: jealousy & envy
Date: 12 Jan 93 17:24:03 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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From:	IN%"MAILER-DAEMON@twwells.com" 11-JAN-1993 20:59:59.41
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Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 09:52 EDT
From: KEVIN FILOCAMO <FILOCAMO@binah.cc.brandeis.edu>
Subject: jealousy & envy
To: anon.asar@twwells.com
Message-Id: <01GTDZLZ3WI894FB1T@BINAH.CC.BRANDEIS.EDU>
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Hi all,
     I have a problem with jealousy, or a combination of jealousy and envy. 
The issue came up last week with my boyfriend, Jason.  Jason has been friends
and sometimes sexual partner with another man for a year and a half (before
he met me).  Jason remains friends with this man, but says he will not be 
sexual with this man because he doesn't want to risk ruining what we are 
beginning to build (we're in the third month).  Last week, a series of events
brought my own feelings of insecurity and jealousy to the foreground.  It 
doesn't matter what the events are.  What does matter is that Jason has given
me no reason not to trust him.  He stresses that he's "on my side".  He says
that he knows I'm working on issues around abuse and abandonment, and he's 
trying to understand and be patient with me when these issues come up for me.
But he doesn't want someone telling him what or what not to do.  (I can
understand this).  We've also made an agreement that we will not have sex
with anyone else without first talking about it with each other.
     Part of the issue is trust - my first instinct, whenever I begin to get
intimate with someone (w/emotions and body) is to not trust them.  I was very
close and intimate with my mother (emotionally) for a long time before she 
abused me sexually in a physical way (chasing me around the house with her 
breasts bared).  After that event, I "shut down" emotionally.  I withdrew.
I learned it's too risky to trust.  But not trusting means a life of loneli-
ness and isolation.
     I've decided that I have to trust Jason, until he gives me a reason not
to trust him (or separate "until" with "unless", since I don't want to assume
he will betray my trust in him).  That decision has helped me a lot.  But I
know that the jealousy is there, the fears of rejection and abandonment, and 
envy - envy of Jason (or anyone I'm dating or friends with) because of what
I perceive as their having qualities I don't have or don't think I have,
which make me fall short somehow in comparison to them, and which make me fall
short as a human being.
     Please help me.  If anyone out there has or is struggling with jealousy
and envy, e-mail a response to me, if you want.  I would appreciate any
responses, any support.
     Thanks a lot,
		Kevin



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