From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: Re: Survivor in Denial?
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:58:14 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

[Ed Carp  tries to show a more measured (and in my definition, loving, 
others might just say respectful) response to people invading our 
boundaries]

  I just want to relate some of  my experiences with people invading my
boundaries - especially Shelly.  Our relationship was for years one in
which there literally were no boundaries.  Shelly's were like a sand castle
wall on the beach that even the gentlest wave rolls over and its gone.  Mine 
were kind of like steel girder walls with lots of open gates.  They were there
but they were easy to get through.
   A big need for me has been achieving a sense of autonomy.  Knowing that it 
was good for me to do things on my own & make choices that were best for me.  A couple years ago if I wanted to go skiing for a day, or running for an hour, the only way I could make myself approach this subject with Shelly was to get very sef-righteous and defensive, proclaiming it was my right to do what I wanted and
she better not try to stop me.  I felt EXTREMELY guilty both for taking the time
for myself and for the way I confronted Shelly about it.  It was very much 
like the option 1 that Ed described.  But IT WAS THE ONLY MECHANISM I HAD FOR
PROTECTING MY BOUNDARIES, at the time.  For 2 years previously I had suppressed
my needs and devoted myself to meeting Shelly's (very much like my dad, only I
went much further than my dad did in denying my needs).  Its funny that before
Greg was born we each did more of our own stuff and were not quite as 
enmeshed.  Greg was like a kind of shrink wrap that we used to just remove any 
sense of bondaries between us.
   As time went on I developed more trust with Shelly & trust with myself and
began to share my feelings with Shelly & how they related to my need for 
autonomy.  Now we are to the point where I almost always know that I can share
my feelings with her & she will understand and accept my needs.  We often have
to negotiate how I am to meet those needs.  The point is that getting from 
position 1 that Ed talked about to position 2, the loving respectful response,
has been for me a process which involved my learning to believe that I am 
a person who is lovable, and that Michael, the hurt little teenager inside of 
me is not the one making himself vulnerable when I share my feelings.  Me the 
adult is making myself vulnerable, but I am also capable of keeping Michael
protected.

   I am now going through this same process dealing with feelings related to my 
wanting to feel loved and special by Shelly.  I have jsut gooten through the
stage where the only way I could let her know what I was feeling was to first 
get incredibly angry with her - screaming & shouting, so frustrated I didn't 
know what to do & finally able to just sit & cry and tell her how desolate I 
feel and how I long to be held and jsut made to feel special and loved.
Since that time, I have been much more able to tell her what I want, especially
during love-making.  Before that I put this awesome responsibility on myself 
that I had to make it great for her no matter what, and I didn't even know or
consider what I wanted out of it.

   Its just really cool for me cause I now see my healing pattern & I am 
pretty awestruck at the amount of healing thats occurred over the past 15 months

Fare-Well
Mike 



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for a help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery