From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Subject: Re: It's my birthday too, yeah :-(
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division (SSD), Intel
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1993 04:39:30 GMT


In article <C0IGyz.1CG@twwells.com> anon-1534@twwells.com (Suzanna) writes:
>In some other article I (Peter Warton) wrote:
>
>   You know that Beatles song right?  Well, it's my birthday.  January 7.
>   I feel older than ever (makes sense) but so young in some ways.  I have
>   planned a non-birthday, except that it makes me angry that I can't celebrate
>   my life by recognizing this day.  I want to, but I'm not sure how.  I don't
>   want a party, those of you who read my last post know I'd be uncomfortable.
>
>I'm sorry, I don't want to intrude, but I would like to ask a question
>about birthdays. How do people celebrate them? Are parties normal? I
>know people give presents, but what people? And what's a non-birthday?
>I'm sorry, these questions must be very stupid.
>
>Suzanna
>

Suzanna,

	You're not intruding, indeed, I welcome your questions.  And they are
by no means stupid. If you don't know, you don't know; you would be amazed at
the number of things *I* don't know.  For instance, I don't know how I'd
normally celebrate a birthday. I don't know that I've ever done that.  For
most people, parties and celebrations are the norm, with presents from anyone
who wants (or feels obligated) to give them. The parties can be surprise
parties, small parties, large parties, it doesn't matter.  I'll tell what I
meant by a non-birthday,  Then I'll tell about my actual birthday on the 7th.

	First of all, a non-birthday means no anticipation  (please realize
this entire scenario is hypothetical and ever so slightly sarcastic).  When
one awakens, one's first thought is not "it's my Birthday."  This should last
all day, and nothing should jar one into thinking about one's birthday.
Secondly, one does nothing to celebrate the day.  No party, no special dinner,
no presents.  Friends who want to celebrate are told that they may not, at
least not with the birthday subject.  The ideal plans (if any) are to do
laundry, house cleaning, and other like activities.  Lastly, one must not
remember any birthdays from the past.  This is a crucial point, as it can
undermine totally the effects rendered by the above steps.  

	This describes a non-birthday as I meant in my original post. This
unfortunately  also describes a condition of denial and emotional numbness.
As to what kind of day I had yesterday, it was nothing like what I just wrote.
I did numb out a lot, but I got to think about the day and acknowledge it for
what it is:  the anniversary of the day I came into the world (at least by
most peoples standards).  I did remember and think about one past birthday,
one when it snowed, and I thought it snowed just for me (this may well be the
case).  I also broke another "rule" by going  out to dinner with my wife and
our closest friends, David and Karen.  Earlier in the day I had  planned to
do laundry and house cleaning, but I didn't get to it.  I wish I had fond
memories of birthdays, but most of them are hazy, and I remember feeling mild
to strong discomfort at being the center of attention with my family (the most
dangerous people I knew, in retrospect).  Please understand that when I
mention my family, I am referring primarily to my parents, and then mostly to
my father.  My siblings were victims along side me, and often our anger with
our parents got vented on each other because we made safe(r) targets.  My
mother had/has the unfortunate role of being (simultaneously) a victim and a
perpetrator.  She suffers from relatively severe dissociation (in my unprofes-
sional opinion) as a result of her own abuse and abusing.
	Well now I'm just rambling, so I'll put the nonsense in another post.


Peace to all,
Welcome to Suzanna,
Thanks to Suzanna,

Peter
-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Warton (The h was dropped     | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago)		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery