From: an1699@anon.penet.fi (joanie)
Subject: Introduction
X-Anonymously-To: alt.transgendered
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 04:16:37 GMT

X-Anon-To: alt.transgendered

Hello,

My name is Joanie. I can hardly believe that I am writing to this
newsgroup about myself - this is absolutely the first time that I
have ever expressed my inner feelings to anyone else. I have been
CD-ing since I was about 8 years old and even before that I have
many vivid recollections of dreaming and fantasizing about what it
would be like to be a little girl.

I don't remember exactly my first *adventure* in CD-ing, but I
recall what I would used to do -- I would wait until my mother
was out shopping and my little brother was out playing and I
would nervously sneak down into the laundry room. There I would
go into the dryer and take out my mother's bras and try them on.
At first I would just put them on over whatever shirt I was wearing
- just the act of putting it on excited me tremendously.
I had a hard time initially because I would try to hook them up
with both of my arms reaching clumsily behind my back until I
finally learned the trick of hooking them up in front and then
sliding them around. It was amazing what a rush it was to walk
around the basement wearing a bra with socks stuffed in it.

Part of the overall excitement was the possibility that at any moment
my mother or brother could come into the house upstairs and I
might not hear them - what would I have said if they had caught me?
They never did and I eventually got more and more daring. I started
trying to better simulate looking like a woman by wearing the bra
against my bare, hairless little chest and putting on my mother's
blouses. I started experimenting with different fillers for my little
boobs. Socks were too lumpy. Softballs were too hard. Playdough was
too gooey. I was young and naive and went for that junior Dolly Parton
look. I had yet to find a good textured filler, so I went for volume
instead - I stuffed my mom's strongest bras with anything that I could
find as long as I looked huge. Soon I was strutting around the house
whenever I was alone wearing my mother's bras, panties, mini-dresses
and any other things that made me feel feminine.

Eventually I hit puberty and had my first orgasm in a manner similar to
experiences described by some of the girls in earlier postings - One day
when I was about 12 I was doing my usual dress-up routine I came across
a silk slip. As I pulled it over my head and down over my hard-on it was
the most stimulating feeling that I had ever had - and after walking around
for awhile with the slip rubbing against me I eventually made a little mess.

Obviously, my teenage years were a bit more troubled than most. There
was always the feeling in the back of my mind that my secret activities
were somehow not *normal* and that if anyone ever found out what I was
doing I would be branded for life. It did not help that I went to a
Catholic grade school for 8 years and (gulp) an all-boys macho-stud
high school. Throughout high school, even with the oft imparted knowledge
that people who did the kind of thing were going straight to hell, I
never felt that I was doing anything *morally* wrong.

I am now in my mid-twenties and I have had the belief for
some time that in order to match the way I feel inside I should
physically be a woman. Problems? Doubts? I have them every minute.
First off, I am a very private and unassuming person. Until now
I have never spoken of my feelings to anyone - one might say I
am quite repressed. Second, puberty was not kind to my feminity -
I have quite a beard and tons of body hair. Third, since the age of 15
I have been 6 feet tall and muscular (I currently weigh 180!)
Fourth, heredity has not been so kind either - my hair is thinning
as I sit here typing. Is their still hope? I'd like to hear from
TS's who may have had similar problems and doubts. My yearning to
correct the disparity between the public and private me is becoming
increasingly unbearable.

Getting some things off my chest and putting others on

- Joanie

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Newsgroups: alt.transgendered