From: jdiamond@netcom.com (Joan M. Diamond)
Newsgroups: alt.personals,alt.personals.misc,alt.sex,alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,alt.support,soc.women,talk.rape
Subject: Re: Loss and how to adjust
Date: 23 Jul 92 16:51:53 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)





I hope I can help.  I know where you are.  I was there myself not too
long ago.  I know how crushing the feelings of guilt can be.  I'll
tell you my story and maybe we can talk.

5 years ago, my 16 month old son was beaten to death by his
babysitter's husband.  I feel guilt for many reasons.  First, I was
responsible for this child's life.  His welfare was my responsibility.
Second, I sensed something was wrong there.  The sense was strong
enough that I asked my mother how you can tell if a pre-verbal child
is being abused, since there were no marks and Nicholas acted like he
adored the guy.  I even took my son to the pediatrician and asked him
to strip Nicholas and check for any signs of abuse.  I had heard vague
rumors about this guy spankning another child, and that child being
removed from the daycare place.  But, I didn't have enough faith in my
own intuition to remove Nicholas from that place.  I didn't save my
child's life because I didn't want to unfairly judge these people with
no proof that they had done anything wrong.  Well, I have proof now.
I lost my special friend and my loving child.  

For the first year, I was basically numb.  I functioned, but I didn't
feel.  I did things to fill the emptiness.  I spent thousands of
dollars, I ate everything in sight, I even slept with some men whose
names I don't even remember.  I would spend hours locked in my closet
(and I lived alone) sobbing and wailing.  I felt as if my chest was
encased in lead.  I seldom slept because everytime I closed my eyes, I
would have flashbacks of Nicholas in the hospital, the vacant stare of
death in his eyes, with a dozen different tubes and machines hooked up
to him.

The second year, ah the second year.  The first year is easy compared
to the second year.  The first year, you never for a second forget
that the person is gone.  The second year is when it sneaks up on you.
You have started living again and you are even able to put the person
out of your mind for short periods of time.  So, instead of the
numbing consistency of grief, you get hit by waves of grief and guilt.
Everytime you start to feel like you are functioning again, you
remember...

So, what to do?  Talk, talk, talk.  To anyone who will listen.  Lean
on your support people.  Ask your therapist if s/he can recommend a
counseling center that has a grief class offered.  I found my grief
class helpful.  I was able to tell the whole story, including the
guilt part, without having to worry about judgement coming from the
others in the class.  If you still aren't functioning well (or right
now even), and you aren't on them, ask about antidepressants.  I
fought going on them for too long.  If you stay emotionally depressed
for too long, it can become a chemical imbalance in your brain and
antidepressants can help you by making you feel good enough to work on
the issues.

You are doing many of the right things.  Just keep going.

For the good news.  I have come through my grief.  I still feel guilt
and loss.  Sometimes I have to forgive myself daily and even more
often.  I have to remember that things just happen sometimes and that
we have to keep putting one foot ahead of the other.  It sometimes
seems like we won't survive it, but you can survive and be happy
again.  You have been profoundly changed by this.  You may never be as
optomistic as you were again.  Besides the injuries that have already
changed you, you have been put through the fires of hell and you will
carry this forever, but in the end you will be stronger and you are
forced now to work on your issues and take care of yourself, so you
will be a healthier person when you are done.

After all these years, I have found a sense of myself and who I want
to be, I have found love again, with a caring and understnading man, I
have a family (2 cats and a dog).  I am content.  I am still working
on myself, and I still grieve and miss my child, but I can live a full
life and I can forgive myself.

If you want to talk, I'm here.

Joan
jdiamond@netcom.com or
diamond@uts.amdahl.com
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