Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: New Year Pizza Party
From: olson@husc8.harvard.edu (Charles Olson)
Date: 11 Jan 93 00:26:00
Organization: Harvard Arts and Sciences Computer Services, Cambridge, MA
In-reply-to: aaron@atlantis.uucp's message of 10 Jan 93 03:48:02 GMT

In article <1993Jan10.034802.25553@atlantis.uucp> aaron@atlantis.uucp writes:
>The endless string of fish-puns gives Alfvaen an idea.  He dials up Radio Free
>Colorado.  "Yes, could you please play 'I Lobster But Never Flounder' by
>Pinkard & Bowden?  Thanks."  He hangs up, and a simple country-type melody
>starts up.

[Alfvaen's request deleted in the interest of the public health and safety]

After everyone's finished groaning in agony, Castellan dials RFC.  "Yeah, an-
other fish pun song... Wet Dream, by Ogden Edsl, at least I think it's him...
OK, thanks!"

[Mostly spoken over a synth background with lots of bubble noises]

It was April the 41st, being a Quadruple Leap Year.  I was driving in downtown
Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was driving a rented Stingray,
and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station, they told me I'd
blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing, and leave my private life out of
it, OK pal?"

While they were doing that, I went over to a place called the Oyster Bar... a
real dive.  But I knew the owner- he used to play for the Dolphins.  I bellied
up to the sand bar and said, "Hi Gill!"  You have to yell- he's hard of her-
ring.

chorus:
Think I had a wet dream, cruisin' through the Gulf Stream,
oooh, oooh, oooh, wet dream...

Gill was also feeling down on his luck.  Matter of fact, he was barely keeping
his head below water.  I ordered the usual- Rusty Snail, hold the grunnion,
shakenn not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side.
I slipped him a fin- on porpoise! I was feelin' good; I even slipped a sand
dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded.  We were packed in like sardines.  They were all
there to hear the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal- what sole.  Tommy was wowin'
the growd with a hot little tuna- Salmon Chanted Evening.  And the stage was
surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellowtail, and she's giving me the eye. So
I figure this is my chance for a little fun- you know, piece of Pisces.
But she said things I just couldn't fathom.  She was too deep.  Seemed to be
under a lot of pressure.  I asked her, "What's your sign?" She said "Aquarium"
I said "Great! Let's get tanked!"

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait.  I said "Come on, 
baby, it'll only take a couple of minnows."  But she threw me that same old
line-- "Not tonight, I've got a haddock"

And she wasn't kidding, either, because in walks the biggest, ugliest, mean-
est-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike.  He was covered with 
mussels.  He walked up to me and said, "Hey listen shrimp, don't you come
trolling around here!"  What a crab.  This guy was steamed- I could see the
anchor in his eyes.

I turned to the guy and said, "Ah, balone! You're just being shellfish!" Well,
I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill, because he was already
on the phone to the cods. The guy hits me with a sucker punch.  I catch him
with a left hook.  He eels over.  It was a fluke, but there he was, stretched 
out on the deck, flat as a mackerel.  Kelpless.

I said "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's going to need a sturgeon!"  Well,
the yellowtail was really impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She
said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish.  What's your name?" I said,
"Marlin."

Well, after that we had a whale of a time.  I took her to dinner, I took her
to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders.  Then I went home with her,
and what did I get for my trouble? Case of the clams.


Several patrons by this time have called in bomb threats to RFC to discourage
them from ever playing that song again.  Castellan's only comment is, "I sup-
pose it says something that I transcribed that little masterpiece entirely
from memory.  What it says I don't know, nor do I care to."

--
-Chip Olson. | olson@husc.harvard.edu | ceo@{gnu.ai,silver.lcs}.mit.edu
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
Maybe we would if they screamed all the time for no good reason." -J. Handey