From: dave@bradley.bradley.edu (David Vessell)
Subject: Re: Nice Guys?
Organization: Bradley University
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 92 20:52:31 GMT



This is always my favourite subject in this newsgroup, partly because I can
relate to it so strongly, and partly because I may be on to a strategy that
works against this phenomenon.

A couple people have already said it: women are not attracted to jerks,
they are simply attracted to men who are confident in themselves, and jerks
seem to have cornered the confidence market.  Don't believe me?  Try this:

Picture in your mind the perfect mate.  Imagine what she would look like,
how she would behave, how she would carry herself.  Now make one crucial
change to that image: imagine her with a real streak of insecurity.  Maybe
she's always bitching about how fat she is (whether she is or not), or she
just doesn't believe that she's attractive or interesting.  Is she now that
paragon of beauty you first conjured up?  Not likely.

Ya see, I don't even think it's that women are attracted to confidence as
that they're attracted to overt confidence (like the arrogance experiment
another user described), or that they're turned off by lack of confidence.

To this end, I've discovered some strategies to combat terminal Nice Guy
Syndrome.  Try them out and let me know if they work.

First of all, you have to be comfortable with yourself.  No matter where
you go or what you do, you're always stuck with yourself, so you might as
well get to know and like yourself.  This is probably the hardest and most
crucial step, because it's so difficult to describe in any meaningful
manner.  Basically, be your own best friend.  Relish your stengths, accept
your weaknesses, and just be you.  I guarantee that if you don't love
yourself, no one else will either, and it will be difficult at best for you
to love someone else.

Part of this means having the quality of not giving a shit about what
people really think of you.  Being comfortable with yourself means not
being afraid to be alone.  It means liking yourself even under the fiercest
criticism.  By all means, be consciencious.  There's no reason to be a prick
or a fiend.  But there's no reason to crucify yourself over mistakes or
shortcomings either.

Take care of yourself.  Treat yourself to a nice dinner once in awhile.
Practice enjoying yourself *by yourself*.  Work on your shortcomings.  Take
up bodybuilding or a sport.  Take up a hobby.  It can be a social hobby or
a solitary one.  This won't make you like yourself, but it will give you
the chance to get to know yourself.  I can't stress enough this crucial
distinction:  e.g. Bodybuilding may get you into better physical shape, and
it may make you more physically attractive, but if you're still a tower of
jello mentally, it really won't do you any good.  Let doing it be a reward
in itself.  Don't set impossible goals for yourself.  Have the nerve to
congradulate yourself when you make goals, and don't overly persecute
yourself if you don't reach them.

This is neither foolproof nor authoritative.  What I describe above is a
combination of my own trial and error, and from Dr. David Burns's excellent
book "Intimate Connections", which attempts to approach problems of social
isolation and low self-esteem through the principles of cognitive therapy,
developed in the late '70s by Dr. Aaron Beck and recognized as the most
successful psychotherapy treatment for depression currently in use.

-- 
=========*davE*.....making the world safe for intelligent dance music.=========
        "Love's for fools wise enough to take a chance...." - Amy Grant
--------------------------{dave@bradley.bradley.edu}---------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.romance