From: langston@memstvx1.memst.edu (Mark C. Langston)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: hi, help?
Date: 23 Jul 92 21:40:18 -0600
Organization: Memphis State University



Hi...

	I've come to the conclusion that I have a bit of a problem.
You see, I tend to drink quite a bit. (Not lately, i.e., not in about 17 hours)
I realize why I drink.  a) I am an alcoholic, and, get this, b) to lose
control.  Go and figure.  I know this sounds trite to any alcoholic, but
it bugs me.  You'll see why.

	I like control.  I always have.  I feel that I _have_ to be in
control, all places, all times.  I hate it when I do not understand something,
when there is something I can't control.  I feel I _have_to_ control it.
This gets to the point where I can't sleep.  Currently, I am on a 25-36 hour
day.  It has gotten to the point where I drink just to get to sleep.  I
just can't seem to relax, otherwise.

	Before anyone makes any wonderful suggestions, a few points:  I
have tried AA (twice, and like others have mentioned, I can't stand the
people there...I am rather young, and I just can't find any others my
age...I have problems enough relating to people as it is, let alone someone 
20+ years older than I am).  I can't afford therapy (I am a student).  I
can't go to my parents/friends for help (I haven't talked to my folks in
years, and I really don't have anyone I could call a friend).  The free
services available to me are of no use, and some are being closed down.

	Now then.  I would like to change, I indeed _want_ to change, but
I am afraid I would not be the same person I am now (of course I wouldn't,
that's just silly).  What I mean is that I would no longer have the worldview
I currently have.  Due to my work, I must be analytical, critical, and 
demanding.  I almost _have_ to obsess over my work.  How can I manage
a program and still keep this outlook?

	Also, I have a horrendous time relating to people.  I am not deformed,
nor am I overwhelmingly ugly, or suffering from chronic bad breath.  I 
just strike people as strange.  I say what I mean, which bothers people.
I place a high value on my time, which also seems to annoy people.  I
cannot just 'sit around' with someone.  I avoid anything but face-to-face
or written contact.  I think the phone is such an overwhelming impersonal
device, and besides, most people couldn't string together a coherent english
sentence to save their lives.  It really annoys me.  I do not approach people
very well.  I figure, if someone wanted to talk to me, they would do it.  I
do not feel comfortable imposing on another's privacy.

	I have had a very hard time with this.  I'm really not sure if I should
even post it...I may just wipe this file w/o even saving it...you'll know
if you're reading it, I guess.  I guess I need someone to talk to, but at the
same time I'm deathly afraid of that actually happening.  I don't know if I
could ever admit being powerless over anything.  It just seems to go against
my very nature.

	I am very confused with my life right now, and I wish there were 
some way to get to a point where I could actually enjoy it.  I really wish
there were people out there who actually gave a damn...instead of just quoting
some book because they either can't express themselves, or cant come to
the same or similar conclusions.  The last sponsor I had told me 'sure, call
me anytime!', but everytime I idid he was either too busy or so annoyed that
I felt guilty for doing it.  Wonderful hypocrite he was.

	I guess I'm writing because I want some kind of response.  Please,
if you must, don't quote things to me.  If you can't put forth the effort
to actually come up with an original reply, just don't bother.  I wouldnt
want to waste the bandwidth.  If I wanted something from a book, I'd go read.


Sorry to waste your time,
-mark


-- 
+--------8<------Cut Here------8<------Cut Here------8<------Cut Here---------+
  Mark C. Langston   |  "Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny."                 
  Psychology Dept.   |  "Always listen to experts.  They'll tell you what can't
  Memphis State U.   |     be done, and why.  Then do it."                      
      "Pftph!"       |           -From the notebooks of Lazarus Long