From: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Subject: Re:  Where I'm at today
Originator: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com
Reply-To: suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com ()
Organization: TRW Space & Defense
Distribution: alt
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 23:17:09 GMT


=====Begin post for Alex=====

Hello Donita,

You wrote about how painful your 4th step has become so you threw it
out. That was probably a good idea. The 4th step shouldn't be painful.
I don't know where that came from, but I've heard it before. It is as
if people use the 4th step as a kind of psychotherapy. We don't do
psychotherapy in the program. We can't. We are not trained, and when
people reach a crisis, we can't do anything for them. So the 4th step
is not therapy. It is inventory.

The 4th step is dispassionate. We are stepping back and making a rough
assessment of what we see. Are we resentful? When and why? Who wronged
us? What part did we have in it if any? Whom did we hurt and what could
we have done to make it better. What are our sex relations like? Did we
live up to our personal standards? If you take more than a sentence or
two to answer these questions, you're writing too much.

Here is an example from my own life. It is about the woman I love (most
of the time :-) ).

  Resentments:
    I am resentful at my wife. Why? She sometimes trivializes my
    program and makes it difficult for me to continue my search for
    religiosity. This affects my self-esteem (fear). Sex
    relations. Security.
    
  Looking at it from a different angle:	
    She is really just insecure and when I make changes, she thinks
    her world will change too.
     
  Where am I wrong? 
    I cut myself off from her when I try to add some new observance
    to my religiousity. I often concentrate on developing a new
    habit and ignore everything going on around me.
    
  Do I have any other fears?
    I am afraid that I won't be able to pass this religiousity and
    connection with G-d on to my children without her cooperation,
    and she may actually work to stop it.
    
  Where have I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate?
    I will read a book, delay, or pray when I know she needs my
    help with the children all in the guise of being serene.
    
  Whom did I hurt?
    I hurt myself, my wife and my children because I don't act the
    adult.
    
  Did I arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?
    Yes. 	
    
  What could I have done instead? (this is the hard one for me)
    I could include her in my search by taking her to synagogue
    with me and talking about religious matters at the dinner table
    so she won't feel out of touch with me.
    
  Have I lived up to my personal standards during sex relations?
    No. I sometimes hold back because I am resentful at her for
    making life so difficult for me in an endeavor that I cherish
    so much. I need to put that aside and remember not to bring our
    arguments to bed with us.

If you touch on something that is incredibly painful, mark it as such
and be sure to talk to a therapist about it. However, that has nothing
to do with the completion of the list or its effectiveness.

Your mother went on to say that you will never get beyond your pain
until you do your 4th step. Listen to your mother. Hard stuff huh? It's
embarrassing. I listen to my wife on certain occasions when I really
don't want to. The fact is that in certain areas she is usually right.
I recognize that and when she makes an assessment in these areas, I
force myself to listen and do what she says because I lack perspective
in these areas. I trust her. Trust your mother in this area.

> I fired my sponsor yesterday. I got a new one. One who tells me what
> I need to do. She's making me read that Big Book. It's like torture.
> My head is telling me that you people are trying to brainwash me...
> I have this fear that the people in my area will try to convert me
> to christianty and have me become a born-againer. Maybe I am just
> being paranoid, but I have seen this happen to some people. I hear
> people talk alot about God in meetings and how they have been saved
> by Jesus Christ. It makes me uncomfortable. I usually walk out.

Frankly I think you'd make a much better Jew. You have the head for it.
I have seen your posting on paganism in alt.recovery and I restrained
myself from objecting. We need to get along and hang together or we
will all hang separately. You need to practice the same kind of
tolerance toward Christians. There is a man on this list who views on
Judaism I object to strongly. Yet we write to each other and help each
other as need be. We get along because we must or we will die.

> Oh, one last thing. Before I threw my 4th step out, I kept it on disc,
> just in case I changed my mind. I'm afraid. There's so much pain, anger,
> and sadness in that 4th step. I keep seeing Pandora's Box in my head.
	
I suggest you close the box. Here is a suggestion. Get a shoe box.
Decorate it in anyway you think fit. On the outside of the box write
the words, "Pandora's box." Every time you have trouble, worry or
despair, write the circumstances on a slip of paper and stick it in the
box. Place your 4th step in there too for safe keeping and don't let it
out until you have done a proper first, second and third step. When you
finally are able to open the box, I suspect the "daemons" you placed in
there will have lost much of their power.

> I guess what I need to hear right now is how you people felt after you
> did your 4th/5th steps. Was it cleansing? Did your life really get better?
> Did all the bad feelings that you had inside yourself go away? Did you like
> yourself more after you did it? 

For me, the 4th step was not cleansing. It was surprising. I had had a
certain image of myself as a cruel and evil person who would hurt
anyone just for the sake of hurting them. In fact I did hurt many
people, but after my inventory, I was able to see that there were very
few instances when I actually acted out of cruelty. 90% of the time I
was acting out of fear. I was afraid they would hurt me so I hurt them
first. I was afraid I would lose something, so I took something just in
case. Afraid, afraid, afraid. Suddenly I realized that I was not a
cruel man; I was a fearful man. My whole attitude about myself changed
and my whole attitude about the fifth step changed.

I was a Catholic at the time, so I organized my 4th step list into
something I could tell someone about. I went to confession and read it
to the priest word for word. It took two hours. I never shed a tear. I
told him utterly shocking things. He tried to comfort me. I told him.
"Look, Father. Please don't say anything. Just listen" I think I
floored him. I walked out of that box a free man. *THAT* was
cleansing.

Alex Herrera
uunet!mdcsc!ah
=====End post for Alex=======
-- 
Maurice Suhre
suhre@trwrb.dsd.trw.com
Newsgroups: alt.recovery,alt.support