HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Street signs
From: clark@crfm.gen.nz (Clark Mills)
Date: 13 Apr 92 08:56:01 GMT
Organization: Household UNIX, Auckland, New Zealand

            |~~~~~|
Lampost --> |     |+--------------+
            |     ||    IRISH ST  |
            |     |+--------------+
            |     |
            |     |+-----+
            |     || ONE |
            |     || WAY |
            |     |+-----+
            |     |+------+
            |     ||  NO  |
            |     || EXIT |
            |     |+------+
            |     |
            |     |
             ~~~~~
-- 
Domain: clark@crfm.gen.nz  -----------------------------+-------------------+
Voice : 64-25-935002                                    | $ work &          |
Fax   : 64-9-8494282                                    | $ exec games      |
Snail : PO Box 47-195, Ponsonby, Auckland, New Zealand  +-------------------+
From: prestontim@bvc.edu (Tim T. Preston)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: BROADEN YOUR VOCABULARY!!!!!
Date: 9 Apr 92 18:40:16 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

     Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English 
 language is the word "fuck".  It is the one magical word, which, just by its
 sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.  In language, "fuck" falls
 into many grammatical categories.  It can be used as a verb, both transitive
 (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).  It can be an
 active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't
 give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a 
 noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).  It can be used as an adjective (Mary is 
 fucking beautiful).  As you can see, there are very few words with the 
 versatility of "fuck".

     Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to 
 describe many situations:

	Greetings		How the fuck are you?
	Fraud			I got fucked by the car dealer.
	Dismay			Oh, fuck it!
	Trouble			Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
	Aggression		Fuck you.
	Disgust			Fuck me.
	Confusion		What the fuck...?
	Difficulty		I don't understand this fucking business.
	Despair			Fucked again.
	Incompetence		He fucks up everything.
	Displeasure		What the fuck is going on here?
	Lost			Where the fuck are we?
	Disbelief		Unfuckingbelieveable.
	Retaliation		Up your fucking ass.

 It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
 It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
 It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
 It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".
 It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."

 And, never forget General Custer's last words:  "Where did all them fucking
     Indians come from?"

 Or the Mayor of Hiroshima:  "What the fuck was that?"

 And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic: 
     "Where is all this fucking water coming from?"

 The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word.  How can anyone
 be offended when you say fuck?

 Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.

 Today - say to someone "Fuck You!"
-- 
 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
 * To Be is To Do.             *        Tim T. Preston                      *
 *     - I. Kant               *        Box 654 Buena Vista College         *
 * To Do is To Be.             *        610 West 4th Street                 *
 *     - A. Sartre             *        Storm Lake, IA  50588               *
 * Yabbadabbadoo!              *                                            *
 *     - F. Flintstone         *   INTERNET :  PRESTONTIM@BVC.EDU           *
 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
From: rudis+@CS.CMU.EDU (Rujith S DeSilva)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: A true false proof (Was: Another False Proof)
Date: 9 Apr 92 17:57:06 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon University

In article <1992Apr9.113026.28525@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu>,
malehman@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu (Wheat Lehmann) writes:
|>    On the subject, I recently learned of an interesting function.
|> 
|>              Sin x
|>      F(x,n)= -----.   This function always goes to 6.  How, you ask?
|>                n
|> 
|>            An n cancels on both sides, leaving F(x,n)=Six.

What about:

		 26      2
		---- =  ---   by cancelling the 6 top and bottom?
		 65      5

Rujith de Silva.
Carnegie-Mellon University.
From: Eron.Cohen@bbs.oit.unc.edu (Eron Cohen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: How HOT IS IT?
Date: 8 Apr 92 16:22:04 GMT
Organization: Extended Bulletin Board Service


Its hotter than a whore house on nickle night!
--
   The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University of
     North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Campus Office for Information
        Technology, or the Experimental Bulletin Board Service.
           internet:  bbs.oit.unc.edu or 152.2.22.80
From: vlasis.bbs@cybernet.cse.fau.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wayne's World
Date: 6 Apr 92 21:25:00 GMT
Article-I.D.: cybernet.D1VTiB1w164w
Organization: Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton

ddkilzer@iastate.edu (David D Kilzer) writes:

> In article igokhale@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (Ishaan M. Gokhale) writes:
> >STOP IT!!!!!!
> >Haven't we had enough threads here already?
> >It's not even funny.
> ^^^^^Sphincter Boy!!^^^^^
shaww ... right ....
>> as if ..
>
From: yetmank@merrimack.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Sam Kinison is Dead. :(
Date: 11 Apr 92 23:20:37 GMT
Article-I.D.: merrimac.1992Apr11.232037.1587
Organization: Merrimack College, No. Andover, MA

For all those who haven't heard, comedy lost one of it's best recently when Sam
Kinison was killed.

He was a riot.  I don't think I'll ever forget his performance in back
to school, the Rodney Dangerfield movie, when he played Professor Turgeson.

He also once appeared on "Married with Children"...

And who'll ever forget the babe in his video of "Wild Thing"?

Oh well...somebody will have to replace him, but who could be as crazy as
Sam? 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Kevin Yetman     Merrimack College '92     yetmank@merrimack.edu      |
| Dedication to all girls that won't give me the time of day:	        |
| "If you walk away from love, you're headed down a long dark road.     |
|  If you're gonna leave me now, there's something you should know.     |
|  It's gonna take a long, long, time, It's something you might	        |
|  never find, cause if you walk away from me, you walk away from love" |
|						-Jim Jamison  1991	|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: sly9y@cc.usu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Riddle
Date: 8 Apr 92 11:40:16 MDT
Organization: Utah State University

In article <1992Apr6.210040.6074@aeras.uucp>, jgold@aeras.uucp (Jeff Gold) writes:
> In article <587@grivel.une.oz.au> scavanag@neumann.une.oz.au writes:
>>From article <900344a.702358553@aucs>, by 900344a@aucs.acadiau.ca (Stephen A. Archibald):
>>> 
>>> Here's an old one.
>>> 
>>>  What can go up a chimney when it is down, but cann't go down
>>>  a chimney when it is up.
>>> 
>>
>><sigh> an umbrella.
>>
>>
> How 'bout Santa with an erection?

Only if good ol santa pointed downward with an erection.  *ouch*
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: me@dispates.u.washington.edu (My Account)
Subject: Re: lots of license plates!
Keywords: sex, drugs, rock-n-roll
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 12:27:16 GMT

Could someone post a canonical listing of license plates for me?
pls do not mail. thx in advance.

-Cohort
From: malehman@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu (Wheat Lehmann)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wayne's World
Date: 9 Apr 92 02:07:14 GMT
Organization: Engineering Computer Network, University of Oklahoma, Norman, OK


   Fellows, correct(flame) me if I'm wrong(and I'm sure you will), but isn't
it spelled 'pshaw'?
            ^

							Wheat Lehmann
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Things that make you go hmmm
From: clark@crfm.gen.nz (Clark Mills)
Date: 13 Apr 92 08:59:09 GMT
Organization: Household UNIX, Auckland, New Zealand

ss1@bofur.unh.edu (The Rink) writes:
: >Why do the needles used in lethal injections have to be sterile?
: >
: >Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
: 
: Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?
: 
: Why do noses run and feet smell?

Why do we sit down then sit up?

-- 
Domain: clark@crfm.gen.nz  -----------------------------+-------------------+
Voice : 64-25-935002                                    | $ work &          |
Fax   : 64-9-8494282                                    | $ exec games      |
Snail : PO Box 47-195, Ponsonby, Auckland, New Zealand  +-------------------+
Xref: sparky rec.humor:15877 eunet.jokes:1065
From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,eunet.jokes,nordunet.talk.humor,nada.vitsar
Subject: Books
Date: 7 Apr 92 14:31:05 GMT
Reply-To: sead@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
Organization: KTH
Originator: f88-som@hemul.nada.kth.se



-"What book are you reading ?"
-"'Das Kapital' by Carl May."
-"Carl May didn't write that book, it was Karl Marx."
-"Really ?  That's why there aren't any cowboys anywhere."



Two authors were chatting:
-"You can't understand how popular my poems are these last period.
  Last year the number of readers even doubled."
-"Oh, congratulations, I didn't know you got married."



The young man wanted to have a book he had written published, and so he
sent the script to a publishing house.  Soon a man called him back, asking:
-"Did maybe anyone threaten to kill you, if you didn't write this book ?"
-"Oh no, certainly not."
-"Then, you don't have any excuse."



A fairly unknown author arrived to a broadcasting station to be interviewed
on TV.  While passing the gates a guard asked him:
-"Excuse me, sir, what's inside your bag ?"
Being tired, the author answers, more arrogantly than joking:
-"A foldable machine gun."
-"Oh, it's OK then", the guard said, "I thought it was some of your books."



-"I'm writing my memoirs", the politician told one of his collegues, "but
  there are some details in it I wouldn't like people to get to know about,
  so it won't be published while I'm alive."
-"Really ?  I can hardly wait to read it."



Two authors met:
-"What are you writing now ?"
-"My memoirs"
-"Do you happen to have written about that day
  when I borrowed you a hundred bucks ?"




And now, a few words from *this* author :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the nice email you sent me about
that George-Bush-Posting last week.
Yes, I *did* leave the "Originator"-line there, I didn't want to post
anonymously, because then I would have missed all those wonderful
replies I got.
And, that email I received with a forged sender, teaching me how to forge
postings, whoever it was that sent it -- keep that crap, I'm not interested.

Finally, thanks for all the "Real Programmers don't use Pascal"
you sent me.  It seems like there's a whole lot of people out there
reading this.  The net.population is far larger than I thought.
I also got a few local replies telling me there's a copy of it at
/usr/local/hacks/texts/real-programmers.txt
so before you ask me to email you a copy, make a 'find' on your own
system, just like I should have done myself if it hadn't been because
even my cat is smarter than me, and he is *extremely* stupid.


-- 

 Most suicides are committed      |
 using knife, fork and spoon.     |    Sead Omerov  f88-som@nada.kth.se
From: 00drkoch@bsu-ucs.uucp
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Sam Kinison is DEAD???????????
Date: 16 Apr 92 16:06:54 GMT
Distribution: usa

In article <1992Apr11.191606.10721@cheshire.oxy.edu>, cleo@cheshire.oxy.edu (Cleopatra) writes:
> 
> 
> When the heck did Sam Kinison die? I had no clue.
>                                     -Cleopatra
> -- 
> "To be or not to be..."               "Life's like a dick...when it gets hard...          -Hamlet                         Fuck It!!"
> "Today is a good day to die"                             -me
>          -Kiefer Sutherland (Flatliners)
He was killed last Frdiay (the 10th) in California.  He was drivign on a deset
higway and got hit on when 17 year-old hit him head on.  His wife of six days 
was not seriously injured.  The youth had been drinking (at least there were
empty beer casn in his truck) and o faces vehicular manslaughter charges.

-- 
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\   David Koch                                                                /
/                                                                             \
\ 00DRKOCH@BSUVAX1.BITNET						      /
/ DAVIDK@bsu-uc.bsu.edu							      \
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/	
From: barryg@hplsla.hp.com (Barry Gunn)
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1992 15:54:48 GMT
Subject: Re: Wayne's World
Organization: HP Lake Stevens, WA
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>/ hplsla:rec.humor / igokhale@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (Ishaan M. Gokhale) / 12:14 pm  Mar 30, 1992 /
>STOP IT!!!!!!
>
>Haven't we had enough threads here already?
>It's not even funny.
>
Didn't you mean to say:
It's even funny. NOT!

BG
From: psbarb01@ulkyvx.louisville.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Wanted: a good come-back
Date: 7 Apr 92 22:01:52 GMT
Organization: University of Louisville

Eight years ago a friend and I were at King's Island(amusement park in
Cinci.,Ohio).  A mime came up to my friend and started acting real stupid.  So
he says to the mime,"how much do you get paid for being an asshole?"  The mime
looked at him and said,"Well, at least I get paid for it!"  My friend was 12 at
the time, and to this day can't come up with a good come-back.  Yes he still
thinks about it.  So in an effort to help his pride I'm hoping you guys can
help me help him out.

Thanx in advance,
Phil
From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Re^2: April fool's day jokes?
Date: 12 Apr 92 16:24:28 GMT
Organization: Punk Walrus Enterprises, Inc.

>At my school there really was a child named Lyon with parents
>(naturaly) also named Lyon apparently the said parents called the
>school one April 1st and the headmaster streadfastly refused to be
>"tricked" into returning their call.
>

When I was in grade school, there was this adopted Viatnamese kid named
Mickey Quincy. Mickey was his adopted American name, but his real name was
"Fuh" pronounced "foo." It was his "real name" that appeared on the 
computerized roll call. Most substitutes always pronounced it liked it
rhymed with "duh" when they gave out roll call.
 
One year, we had a new teacher transferred to us, who was nice and kind and
everything, but her first roll call was done quite unusually. She called
out the first name and last initial. Although we were waiting for her to
pronounce some of the names wrong <we had two kids with French surnames>, we
did not expect the following:
 
Gregory L.? "here"
Johnathan N.? "Here"
Jason P.? "here"
Fuh Q?  <long pause>
 
The whole class rolled with peals of laughter. It was too perfect a joke for
us 5th-graders. The teacher had to leave the room. Even Mickey, with little
command for the launguage at the time, was on the floor laughing.
 
I hope he legally changed his name along the way...
 


=================<<< <  <   < *Punk Walrus* >   >  > >>>=================
[  \||/  |       ---------------------------------------       |  \||/  ]
[  (o-)  | "It might be in the     ||  walrus@bessel.umd.edu   |  (o-)  ]
[   /\   |  basement, I'll go up-  ||  Punk Walrus on the      |   /\   ]
[ Punkus |  stairs and check..."   ||  FanTek BBS 301-203-9582 | It's   ]
[ Walrus |       -- M.C. Escher -- ||  SF&F Author Extrordinare| Punkie!]
=========================================================================
Yes, my real name *is* Grig. It is an Irish nickname for Gregory....
From: aksimha@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu (Arun Simha)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons Wanted...
Date: 9 Apr 92 16:31:21 GMT
Article-I.D.: uokmax.1992Apr9.163121.12371
Organization: Engineering Computer Network, University of Oklahoma, Norman, OK

In article <1992Apr8.161144.1598@lsl.co.uk> snail@lsl.co.uk writes:
>In article <702272833.2@nwark.FidoNet>, Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown) writes:
>> 
>>  KH> > Progressive Conservative
>>  KH> > Civil War
>>  KH> Government organization
>>  KH> Save on your next purchase
>>  KH> 
>> 
>Conservative Government
>-- 
    New Improved
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jdarcy@encore.com (Jeff d'Arcy)
Subject: New drunk driving campaign
Summary: not a joke
Organization: Yeah, right!
Date: Sat, 11 Apr 1992 22:16:22 GMT

This may seem like I'm making light of a tragedy, but I've always been a
believer in making the best of any situation, so...

	If you think drunk driving's funny, how come Sam Kinison's dead?

Hey, it's not a joke, but it certainly has to do with humor.

Jeff d'Arcy                          jdarcy@encore.com
Encore makes a profit when they agree with my opinions
From: ka02@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (Kent P. Aitchison)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Panda and the whore
Date: 11 Apr 92 20:45:25 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

A panda walks into a whorehouse and is greeted by the madame:

    Madame:  What's your pleasure?
    Panda:  I wanna lick some pussy.
    Madame:  Upstairs, third door on your left.

So he goes into the room upstairs and goes about his business.  After bringing
the lady of the room around a few times, he gets up, washes himself and starts
for the door.

    Whore:  Hey, where ya goin', that'll be 50 bucks PLUS my tip!
    Panda:  Not for me, I'm a panda.
    Whore:  What's that supposed to mean?
    Panda:  Check your dictionary.  (exits)

Ever prepared, the prostitute reaches for her nightstand dictionary, flips
past pancreas, returns from pander and finds it.

    Panda, n.  1.  A white and black, bear-like mammal of asia, eats bushes
    and leaves.
-- 
*************************************
**     Kent P. Aitchison           **
**     It takes a big man to admit **
**     when he's wrong...          **
**     I'm not a big man.  Fletch  **
*************************************
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Re^2: April fool's day jokes?
Date: 14 Apr 92 14:52:46 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO

One of the local radio stations announced that the phone company was blowing
out the lines that day and that people should put bags over the phones to 
keep the dust from dirtying up the area.  The local phone company was
inundated.

My partner Bruce said his wife bought off on it until he suggested she think
about it.  So he called up her voicemail at work later and went "whishhhhhh"
into the phone for a few seconds.

A UK contact also told me that a fellow there had been murdered in some 
black variation of a April Fool's joke.  Apparently the guy had been bumming
drinks by claiming he had terminal cancer, so one fellow he met strangled 
him to put him out of his misery ...

I found that amusing in a sick sort of way, which my polite British contact
found a little appalling.  Then again I always liked the Larsen cartoon of the
vultures feasting around something in the desert where one of them has a
cowboy hat on and is saying:  "Hey, look at me, everybody!  Ah'm a cowboy!
Howdy, howdy, howdy!"

   Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest
--
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                               DISCLAIMER                                   |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|   Who cares what I think?  I don't take MYSELF seriously, why should you?  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Greg Goebel                             NET:     gvg@hpislx                |
| Hewlett-Packard                         HP DESK: gvg(hpislx) / HP0900 / UX |
| MSO Marketing                           PHONE:   Telnet/303 679-3424       |
| POB 301 / MS-CU312 / Loveland CO 80539  FAX:     Telnet/303 679-5957       |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: wayman@lamar.ColoState.EDU (Jeffrey Wayman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: How HOT IS IT?
Date: 9 Apr 92 03:11:23 GMT
Article-I.D.: yuma.1992Apr09.031123.74361
Organization: Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO  80523

It's hotter than a sweatband in a fireman's helmet
				--Foghorn Leghorn
From: MBS116@psuvm.psu.edu (Michael B. Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: blonde joke not seen on any list
Date: 6 Apr 92 15:07:03 GMT
Article-I.D.: psuvm.92097.110703MBS116
Organization: Penn State University

Q:  What do U call a blonde with a runny nose?


A:  Full
From: skydiver@dispates.u.washington.edu (People have real lives?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: just seeing if this works
Date: 14 Apr 92 12:29:46 GMT
Organization: University of Washington

for you non-NeXT users out there, this is what he posted:

        THE LEGEND OF STROKER    2/25/91
parody of
Dr. Feelgood
by Motley Crue

Dipshit Ritchie has a second hand fist
He deals out in Calculus
Got a centerfold Playboy, plays his games
Pocket pool's what he does best
Rubbin' Ritchie, he's doin' his thing
Wherever he can find a way
But if you look real quick, Then you can catch Ritch
Before he can put it away

CHORUS:
He's the one they call Master Stroker
He's the one that beats himself all night
He's the one they call Master Stroker

Poor Dr. Gulick has to endure
All of this every day
Ritchie's got it planned, and with his hand
He's just wailing away
Got no little hideaway, does business all day
But in Calc he can't sit still
He's like a Rebok Pump
And when he gets up
He sharpens his pencil

CHORUS
He's gonna give himself a ride

I've got one thing you'll understand
He's not what you'd call a glamorous man
He sits next to Jill, would love to soak her
He's the one they call Master Stroker

He'll tell you that his hands
Are supposed to be curved
That it's some birth defect
But we all know the hard sick truth
That he's just a poor reject
Two - time loser, can't run out of juice
Did it at the S.A.T.
Goes to the bathrom
When he drops trou
A party animal is he

CHORUS

It soothes his soul, just takes his hand
Thinks it makes him more of a man
Pays so he can be his own hooker
He's the only one we call "STROKER"

       parody lyrics by 
         Mike Biancaniello <<Bianc>>             (based on a true story)


-Cohort
From: rnjana (Thamillan)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: The Irish Scientist
Date: 9 Apr 92 16:49:21 GMT
Article-I.D.: uflorida.35062
Reply-To: rnjana
Organization: University of Florida  (ufl.edu)
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.3-4

Heard about the Irish scientist?  He wanted to study the anatomy of frogs.
So, he caught a frog and taught it to obey his command to jump.  On the day 
of the experiment he placed it on a table and shouted, "Jump."  The frog jumped 
high into the air.  He cut the right front leg of the frog and shouted, "Jump."
The frog jumped again.  He cut the left front leg and shouted, "Jump."  The frog
managed a small leap.  He cut the right hind leg and shouted, "Jump."  The
frog could barely manage to lift itself.  Finally, he cut the left hind leg and
shouted, "Jump."  Of course, as all non-Irish (and non-blondes, too) could see
the frog could do nothing.  So, the scientist wrote his conclusion:  If you cut
the left hind leg of a frog it looses its ability to hear.

cheers,

********************************************************************************
*             *                                                                *
*    Jana     *    Little children are angels. When their legs get longer,     *
*             *    there wings get shorter.                                    *
*             *                                                                *
********************************************************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor