From: chris@unicorn.resun.com (Chris Von Hendy)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: communication (was Re: The S & M debate)
Date: 27 Sep 92 08:45:22 GMT
Reply-To: chris@unicorn.resun.com
Organization: The White Bull
X-Mailer: uAccess - Macintosh Release: 1.5v3


In article <1992Sep23.225804.144163@zeus.calpoly.edu> (soc.bi), cjohnson@zeus.calpoly.edu (Coe Salzgeber) writes:
> 
> This brings up a good point... often it helps if you approach a person 
> with the goal of becoming _friends_ with them, not lovers (after all,
> would you _want_ to be lovers with someone you couldn't be friends with?)

I like for my lover to be interested in all of me, not just my body. 
And I'd like the chance to get to know the mind and personality that go
with their body.  This is something that I like about the news net.  I
am meeting people whom I have to judge by what they write, not by how
they look, and who have to do the same with me.  
> 
> One thing that i've learned is that it's okay, even a good thing, to
> ask people questions about themselves.  (this is assuming a modicum of
> interest on their part, or they'll just think you're a pest)  It took
> me a while to figure this out - i'm a terribly curious person, and if 
> i allowed myself to ask all the questions that pop into my head, i 
> _would_ be a pest.  But in general, asking questions shows you are
> interested (if you listen to the answers), teaches you something about 
> the person, and gives them a chance to talk about themselves, which many 
> people enjoy doing.

This is easy to say, but not always so easy to do.  How many times have
I sat there with a question on the tip of my tongue, too scared to spit
it out.  And when I do manage to ask, it comes out in a stammer and
there I am with my foot in my mouth.
> 
> The type of question should not just be factual - let them tell you why
> or how.  As a rather lame example, instead of asking "Where do you live?",
> try "What made you choose to live in X?"  That kind of question provides 
> openings for further conversation.
> 
> 
> For example, if i quote something, "It's the moment when something 
> becomes so familiar, that it's strange", (just had to toss that in...  
> let's see if anyone bites!) only a few of my very old friends would 
> get the complete reference, though some others may come up with the 
> movie that it's from.

Well I don't recognize the reference, but I do on occasion bite. :-)
> 
> >From both sides of the coin (being shy and observing someone shy), i know
> that often shyness can get interpreted as coolness or aloofness.  It's 
> not a bad thing to show interest *grin*.

Never thought of it that way, but then I've seldom observed someone
other than me being shy.  I always felt that I came across as just
plain dumb, or arrogant.
> 
> My last idea is specifically for people overcoming shyness - it's
> rather advanced, and has tremendous potential to not work, but it has
> worked for me in situations where i am feeling very shy:  Assume a
> certain amount of interest on the other person's part.  This can free
> you from constantly questioning yourself: "do they really want to be
> talking to me?".  Operating under the assumption that you are friends
> is a great step towards becoming friends.

Hm.  So Coe, why do you live in San Francisco? :-)
> 
> *hugs*
> -Coe

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Von Hendy            "If we shadows have offended,
Escondido, California       Think but this, and all is mended,
ncr-sd!blkhole!chris  or    That you have but slumbered here,
chris@unicorn.resun.com     While these visions did appear." Puck
Newsgroups: soc.bi