From: guy@trofis.tfrc.csiro.au (Guy Carpenter)
Newsgroups: aus.bicycle
Subject: Taxonomy of Bicycles
Date: 14 Oct 92 23:25:16 GMT
Distribution: aus
Organization: CSIRO Tropical Forest Research Centre

This is being reposted without permission from the author....

From: "Geoffrey Skinner" <Geoffrey.Skinner@Forsythe.Stanford.EDU>

11:15 Fri 10/09/92 From SERIALS CATALOGING S <CN.KAS>:
An effort of yesterday evening.

CYCLES.

Bicycle:  The basic model.  If you don't want any extra features,
stop here.

Cycle:  The original vehicle, which needed numerous modifications
before it could be used as such.  Had a sharp, curved blade instead
of wheels.  Used primarily by farmers in primitive regions, and in
anthropomorphic representations of death.

Dicycle:  The original bicycle built for two, this contraption was
very unreliable, being nearly impossible to turn, or to halt with
safety.  The first problem resulted in an unusual number driving
over cliffs, and that latter is credited with having put both
pedestrians and pedalers on the endangered species list for a time.
Riding one of these was a gamble.

Epicycle:  A vehicle used to orbit planets; fairly efficient, except
that the appear to go backwards part of the time.  Clip a playing
card between the spokes and it emits the sound of Homeric poetry.

Guycycle:  The first bicycle to put that extra bar across the
middle, an attempt to split the market if their ever was one.  It
was off limits to women, which increased its snob appeal among male
chauvinists.

Hicycle:  That ancient model everybody's seen those old pictures of,
the one with the enormous front wheel and the dinky back one.  Had
many of the same problems as the Dicycle, although it only
endangered half the number of riders.

Icycle:  A bicycle built for eskimos.  Anyone not an eskimo has
trouble with it because of a propensity for sticking to the frame
(the vehicle is supercooled for more efficient use in cold
climates).

Licycle:  Dealers will tell you there's nothing wrong with this
model, but they're prevaricating.  In fact, the materials of which
it is made for some reason exert an irresistible attraction on
certain species of insects, who are also not adverse to taking up
residence on the human body.  You've been warned!

Micycle:  Like the Licycle, except that it attracts rodents.  Oddly
enough, it has the identical attraction for dealers, which explains
why the model has never been discontinued.  Owners get very
possessive, for some reason.

Nicycle:  Everybody wants this one, a concrete rebuttal to the old
saw that your can't buy happiness.  Unfortunately, like all the best
things in life, it's hideously expensive.

Picycle:  A bicycle built for clowns with a gear ratio of 1:3.14.
Comes with pies.  Duck!

Popcycle:  A bicycle built for parents of the male persuasion.
Refrigerated for additional discomfort.

Pricycle:  This one's a real prize, but it's real pricey, too, and
so coveted that you'll have a devil of a time prying it away from
the dealer.

Recycle:  A vehicle consisting of an axle attached on one side to a
wheel, and on the other to a stake driven into the ground, with a
seat set between.  It goes around in circles and is very economical,
as no steering apparatus is needed.  Popular with hand-wringers and
bureaucrats.

Ricycle:  A bicycle for newlyweds who can't afford motor transport.
Extremely popular with wedding guests, as a built in feature
continually throws rice over the heads of the wedded couple as they
peddle.

Slicycle:  Comes with blades on the wheels.  Great for mowing lawns
and gang warfare.

Spicycle:  Like the Vicycle, but less blatant and more innocent.
Comes without pedals, as it runs on innuendo.

Ticycle:  A bicycle of unique design, held together entirely by
knotted string, thus obviating the need of nuts, bolts, screws, etc.
Buyers should be aware that this model comes with strings attached.

Unicycle:  A vehicle for unicorns.  To discourage others from using
it, one wheel is missing.

Vicycle:  The bicycle of choice for streakers; ideal for a quick
get-away.  Comes with auto-erotic features that are best left
undescribed.  The two- person (tandem) version, known as the condem,
seats two people facing each other, and is reportedly more fun.

Wicycle:  A bicycle for existentialists.  Those who answer in the
affirmative buy it, and those who answer in the negative don't.

--Brian

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