From: clare@nynexst.com (Clare Chu)
Subject: Re: Rating brothers and white guys
Organization: Nynex Science and Technology
Distribution: usa
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 92 21:16:56 GMT


I've been following this discussion about interracial dating
and want to give an Asian American female (AAF) point-of-view (in
case anyone's interested).  

As you've noticed, there is a greater number of Asian females with
white men than Asian men with white women, to the point that many
white men assume that a random AAF would prefer to date them rather
than an Asian man.  I don't prefer to date white men, not because
of their skin color, but because of the attitudes a lot of them
hold.  The ones who've approached me acted like they were some
kind of "savior" to rescue me from those hordes of Asian geeks.
Or they come off with comments like, "I'm sure you prefer to
date a real American guy (i.e. white) than one of those nerds."
And they expect us to say, "yes, Yes, YES!!!"  I resent it when
someone thinks that you should date them because they are somehow
superior to you in some sense.  And further, I've met white men
who couldn't get dates with white women and decide to "settle"
for an Asian woman.  In fact, one of my friends was considering
that and asked me to help him find an Asian woman.  (Well I told
him I didn't know any available).  To me that is insulting, because
it means that in that person's mind there is a racial hierarchy
with themselves at the top.  It's like being white was some kind
of highlight, like being rich, being a doctor, or driving a fine car.
What bothers me is when I see a disparity between social status
and race.  For example, all you see are rich and successful and
famous black people with ordinary whites.  How many rich, successful,
famous whites have ordinary black spouses???  It's like a Black is only
good enough for any old white if he/she is successful.  That's
what bothers me about people as status symbols.  It's like saying
they're better than you are, because you need to have them
hanging onto you to make you a better person.  Aren't you good
enough as you are?  A lot of Asian females don't have a clue.
They think that having a white husband means they are somehow
better or more attractive than someone who doesn't.  Never mind
that some of the white men they're with are obnoxious racists.
Being white is enough and they've bought into the myth that
white is better, and therefore they're better because they have
white.  In all fairness, I've date whites (although never became
serious).  Most of the time, I find that I'm always being put
on the defensive, or have to listen to their jokes about other
ethnic groups such as Blacks and Hispanics.  And of course it
always comes out that they think they're superior to those nerdy
Asian males.  (I've even known one to make disparaging remarks
about my brother, my very own brother, and then wonder why I brushed
him off!) And so I get turned off.  Not because of their skin,
but because of the attitudes that come with it.  Life can be a
real drag if your spouse says, "I'm sure that clerk was having
a bad day, she wasn't being prejudiced."  So how come she was
smiling at the lady in front of me and the man in back of me?
Or "cops only beat up people who deserved to be."  Oh right, that's
because last time you got a ticket they smiled at you and called you
"Sir".  Argh.  Anyway my sister has horror stories galore including
an incident at JFK where she was an Army officer and they told her
to go to immigration AND her white husband defended the officials
saying, "Well you do look like an illegal alien.  Don't get so
uptight." 

I guess this is getting long, but in response to Gabrielle, I would
have killed if anyone called me a "jigaboo" (or equivalent).  That's
exactly the attitude I can't stand, being stereotyped, especially in
a relationship.  I don't want to play anyone's China Doll or geisha
girl.  No thank you.  I've dated two Black brothers (one when I was very
young), and am now married to a Hispanic man.  We understand each
other.  We don't go around making racist jokes at each other, even
in jest.  That's because we both know what it's really like out there.
But then again, I'm not your typical AAF.  Most of the ones I've talked
to think of themselves as white (for all practical purposes).  Never
mind that their parents were interned during WWII, or that there was
a Chinese Exclusive Act.  Nah...  "I've always been treated very
well by whites, and I feel like I'm really white.  I mean, we're
all one big melting pot, aren't we???"  (Gag!)  So that may explain
why there are so many AF/WM relationships.  Sometimes I really feel
that Asian American women need to get a clue.  Oh well... what can
I say?

Finally I just want to close by saying that the "minority" men I've
dated understood me better, didn't come with preconceived stereotypes
(even though they were not Asian), and treated me as an individual.
If I wanted to talk smack, they didn't say, "Hey Chinese girls aren't
supposed to talk like that!"  My husband takes me the way that I
am, and I can assure you that I'm not some submissive stereotypical
geisha that a lot of my white boyfriends expected.  Boy you should
see their shocked expression hearing a "cuss" word out of me.  :-)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.african.american