From: becki@Ingres.COM (Rebecca E. Tants)
Subject: Re: Are most of us Hetero guys really that insensitive?
Reply-To: becki@squid.ingres.com (Rebecca E. Tants)
Organization: Ingres, The ASK Group
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8]
Date: 27 Jan 93 01:12:00 GMT

M. Lloyd (mlloyd@ocf.berkeley.edu) wrote:
: I call myself bi.  I really believe that I am.  However, I do have to
: deal with a good dose of the extreme-Kinsey paranoia.  You know: near 0
: or 6, you badger yourself about whether you're *really* monosexual.  At
: first glance it seems foolish to care; why not just be what you are?
: But it really matters to me that I am bi, not 0.  It matters to me that
: I've done some of the deprogramming necessary to find men attractive.

How are you defining bi?  to me, i'm bi whether i'm currently involved with
another woman or not.  that's a part of me that won't change just because at
any given moment i don't find the women around me attractive.  i went through
almost 4 years of self-imposed celebacy because there were no men around who
i was all that attracted to (and i had not yet admitted to my own bisexuality).
Does that make me a lesbian?

Circles of friends change and grow around you all the time.  some are female 
heavy, others are male heavy.  the only way to get around that is to actively
seek out circles of friends of the other sex (and the list of ways to do that,
just of the top of my head, is rather long).  

But who you are currently around (and therefore the opportunities placed before
you) is not the definer of your sexuality.  whether you are bi or not doesn't
change - the outward portrayal of that fact may, but that doesn't change the
fact that were you to trip over a wonderful man you would still be attracted
to him.

: Right now, I'm living a poly het-boy's dream.  I'm in a set of
: relationships that at times resembles a Celtic knot (only less ordered),
: and almost everyone involved is female.  The people I'm meeting through
: the people I know are almost all female.  More than that, many of these
: people are female-oriented, and I'm loving every moment in these
: circles.  It lets me feel I'm getting somewhere in learning independence
: from my assigned role.  But it also makes me feel het.

No offense, love, but you make it sound like a disease.  granted, we spend a 
lot of time around here coming down on hets because they can also be heavily
bigotted about it, but just being het isn't something bad - it's how one 
responds to OTHERS and THEIR sexuality that can be bad.  

There are several arguements about how sexuality comes to a person, but the
fall into two main camps - 

1) you're born that way - if this is true, and you've been attracted to men
in the past, then that isn't going to change just because there aren't any
men around that you're interested in this moment.

2) you're not and it's a choice - in which case you have control over what 
choices you make and what to do if you don't like those choices.  I however
still don't see why that would preclude 'dry spells'.  (Especially when almost
everyone you hang around with right now is female.....)

: 'Scuse me - I'm just questioning myself in public.  Don't let me send a
: strung-up vibe, or a morbid one, or whatever.  I just wonder sometimes
: about where the line between reality and political stance is.  Anyhow, I

Are you saying that you are politically bisexual?  does that mean that
you believe you should be but have never felt that you were?  that's a more
troublesome stand....

I know people who are politically bi but would never do anything about it
if the choice came up, or worse yet those who WOULD do something about
it just to 'prove their point'.  i don't find that a valid way to live one's
life.  People who do things because they should and not because they want
to are wasting their lives.  Questioning one's pre-conceived notions is
a good thing, especially in gender related issues.  It's also a very
different thing.  I know people who have fairly positive gender views who
are still strictly het (or lesbian/gay for that matter).  As long as those
decisions/feelings are based on what they want and need instead of what
they were told to want/need there is no harm.  

I doubt that made any sense, so feel free to ask for clarifications.  i got
interrupted by 3 different phone calls while writing, which is GUARENTEED to
scatter my thoughts....

*HUGS to all who want them*
Becki