From: franklin@ug.cs.dal.ca (Steve Franklin)
Subject: JENNY'S LESSON IN FLAMING (was Re: the Devil's Day (and the Devil's Night))
Keywords: I HATE CROSSPOSTERS
Organization: Math, Stats & CS, Dalhousie University, Halifax, NS, Canada
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 23:12:10 GMT

(lesson in flaming follows a sample silly flame from my good friend Jenny)

In article <BxGsBp.Ay9@nic.umass.edu> jennyg@titan.ucc.umass.edu (Jenny Gutbezahl) writes:
>In article <1992Nov9.131348.8735@ac.dal.ca> 01sybok@ac.dal.ca writes:
[Much screaming deleted]
>>Boy, I'm even better than I thought, driving Jenny into an orgasm like that
>>with a mere post!

>I think this explains the preponderance of date-rape in fraternities.
>Jenny "Staying away from the Beta Zeta Tau crowd" Gutbezahl

   Well, I had hoped to avoid responding to any further mental saliva from
D J Jazzy Jenny G, but not only was this dull, but ridiculous. I'll assume
it's laced with [attempted] wit, because if serious, it is a most damaging
misconception. 

*read this part if you were serious*
   I'm afraid, dear lass, that words like Mike's do _not_ explain the large
number of date-rape occurences from members within frats. Nor is it even
conclusively tied to the presence of the fraternity itself. All you can
conclude from such numbers is that _perhaps_:
   a) Susceptible/potential date-rapers are more inclined to join frats
      than those who are not.
   b) alcohol increases the likelihood of date-rape 
   c) Perhaps there are some girls who cry wolf, and these girls are more
      inclined to date frat boys (not likely, but realize that some women
      have been shown to have lied about date-rape, and of several instances
      which I can remember, these girls were not studious scholars, but
      wild "party-thangs".
   d) Frat boys date more than others, due to their more social environment,
      and thus are given more opportunity to give in to weakness (not 
      likely though, because lots of non-frat boys date a lot too.
      Heck, I"m certainly no frat boy, yet I don't stay in
      too often. Now, granted - I've never taken out DJ Jazzy Jen, but
      I can't hope for _everything_.)
   e) Frat boys are all weak-willed short jerks 8) (kidding mike...)
*End response to _serious_ reply*

*read this part if you were joking*
Man, your humor really sucks. How can you have this tiny cult of goons if
your wit is so dry and flat? Oh wait - I forgot. You're female. All females are
popular on the net because they're so out-numbered. Other guys even aspire
to e-mail date you perhaps, so lean on your every word, waiting for their
turn to spew gooey praise and worship. 
   Well DJ Jen, I think it's time for you to polish up your writing. More
specifically, you really have to work on your flames(whether you admit it or
not, you are aspiring to flame, and doing so miserably.)
   So - for your pleasure, the FLAMERS GUIDE OF THE MONTH is yours to mosey 
over. Read it, or ignore it, but feel the wrath of USENET if you ignore this
plea for your rubbish to cease!

############ FLAMERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY (OF USENET) ######################
############ Currently Version 6.3a, November, 1992 #######################
###################################### Written by STEVE FRANKLIN ##########
#######################################a.k.a. William Wordy ###############
### Begun, November 9, 18:35 ##############################################

Many individuals rush into the art of flaming too quickly, and in the
process place themselves into susceptibility of ridicule, humiliation, and
rejection from their peers whom they so desperately seek to please.
   This Guide is quickly undergoing revisions so be patient - If one of your
flaws is not covered here - IT WILL BE!

# Version 1.0.beta #
1) Do not post a single article until:
          a) You have your .newsrc memorized(forward and reverse)
          b) You know who Kibo is, and why his signature sucks
          c) You know who the HitListPeople (tm) are. Be sure to 
             figure out who the "right" people to flame are. Many brownie 
             points can be derived from burning the "right" person, and 
             you can quickly be accepted by the group of your choice by
             humbling anyone of these people.
          d) You have decided that you have no religion, no morals, never
             judge anyone, have no qualms with homosexuals, bisexuals, 
             trisexuals, quadrasex... well, you get the idea. Be utterly
             tolerant to EVERY possible facet of human nature, or you will
             be severely crushed by the I-Just-Wanna-Be-Me group on USENET.
          e) You can lace together profanities into single sentences such
             that the number of profanities in one sentence is equal to:
             N.P. = AIQG * NW * YU / LN
N.P. = Number of profanities
AIGQ = Average I.Q. of Group
NW   = Number of Words in sentence
YU   = Year of university you are in (all post graduate is still 4 at most)
LN   = All FlameGod[dess]'s lucky number = 666

All of these numbers are easy to find, except perhaps for that tricky AIGQ.
Here's a list of the more popular groups, and their AIGQ.

alt.peeves = 80.3  (Bumped up 11 points since I joined... goes back to
                    69.2 when I leave...)
alt.flame  = 92.4  (Recent newbies from 1st year have pulled this number
                    down from 105.2. Who gave the art students computer
                    accounts anyways?)
alt.sex    = 101.2  (Promiscuous sex puts hair on your palms, makes you go
                    blind, and kills brain cells - anyone who goes to
                    church knows that!)
comp.sys*  = 114.2  (Too much time is spent on the computers - this group
                    has potential, but doesn't realize the implications of
                    Monitor-emitted radiation on the brain's capacity)
talk.bizarre = 0    (Brain activity has not been witnessed within this group
                    for quite some time. This phenomonen of non-posting is
                    presently being studied by the American Psychologists
                    Association. Somehow, the members within can write words
                    that are utterly incoherent, and show no sign of
                    intelligence... go figger.)
Mail for more AIGQ figures if you need them...

######## END OF VERSION 1.0. Beta, November 9th, 18:44 #####################

######## Beginning of VERSION 2.0 PATCH, November 9th, 18:45 #####################
1) Do not post a single article until:
          c) You know who the HitListPeople (tm) are.
   The following is an abbreviated HitList:
   Steve Franklin: This SuperHuman individual intimidates all users of Usenet
                   with his accelerated and overwhelming intelligence mixed
                   with subtle wit and fascinating concepts. Realize that
                   this individual is difficult to flame because he does not
                   care. However, a successful flame is worth many points
                   within the group of your choice, and immediate worship.
   Anyone on alt.evil   This group is just a duck hunt. Anyone in here is
                   flammable, and has no credibility. This is a good place
                   to practice because it has such a high hit-to-miss ratio.
                   Be sure to start off with someone easy with a name like
                   "DeathManBadness" or "Satan's next door neighbor". They're
                   the easiest to dethrone. Not worth a lot of points, but
                   definitely a good way to improve your armor and weaponry.
   Elf ! ! !       Worshipped amongst his peers, he is not worth many points,
                   but is certainly good practice. If you take him on,
                   be prepared to battle his army of dwarfs. However, 
                   be sure to dwell on his sexual practices using
                   clothespins, batteries, poodles, mice, and chainsaws. 
                   Subtly mixing these in with your flame can erode the
                   competitors credibility, and increase your own.
   This is only an abbreviated list, and a more extensive one is available.
Unfortunately a fee is required so check, COD, and VISA will be accepted.

######## END OF VERSION 2.0. Beta, November 9th, 18:49 #####################

######## Beginning of VERSION 3.0 PATCH, November 9th, 18:50 ###############

4) Pick an alias for yourself. Something intimidating, yet not overbearing.
Examples that you can use are:


     GOOD                                     BAD
Conan the Word-Warrior                  Typing Twinkletoes 
William Kick-your-ass ShakesBeer        Edgar Allen 'ho'
Mr. Omnipotent                          Mr. Impotent
The Wordslayer                          Bible-thumpin' Bob

I'm sure you have the picture by now. Avoid any religious convictions, or
you will be judged by your peers before you can even post a single article.

######## END OF VERSION 3.0. Beta, November 9th, 18:49 #####################

######## Beginning of VERSION 6.3a PATCH, November 9th, 18:50 ###############

Try and flame without letting them think you're flaming them. Subliminal
tactics are acceptable, but not always effective (they require a reasonably
intelligent audience).

Here are a few examples:
   Can you tell if they're bad or good?

1) posted by mr. anonymous
   You're a jerk, and your mother smells of 6-month old salami. You think
you're better than me, but you're not I say! I'm the best, plain and simple.
Did I mention your mother smells of 8 (or was it 6) month old salami? She
does - I asked my dog. 
   Mr. anonymous

2) Posted by mr. psychology
   I'm sure you're a very nice person but zxcyouareajerkandstupidwwwwwww
oh, sorry - modem noise. I agree with most of your points, and can't
find much flaw in them zactuallytheywerestupid-youbelievethatcrap?wwww
Darn, call-waiting is such a nuisance. Well, in summary I wanted to thank
you for the _edification_ you provided.
   yours truly,
     zqwfathebestandsmartestinthewholeworldzaserwwwwww
   whoops.. mr. psychology

3) You are a *&^*&^ with a ($*&($ up your ()*&($*&. I ($*&(* (*($*&
   your ($*&(*& because it ($*&($*& of ($*&(*&.
       Mr. masochist

4) you suck.
       Mr. Blunt

5) You're cool. NOT!. 
       Wayne.

6) I tink you's stoopid. Yoo ackt lik yoor smart butt I no udderwiz. Dont
   plai smart wit me jerk. Ill kill yuh. I will. Im smart. You stoopid.
       (any undergraduate student in America)

7) My verbiage exudes eloquence, but sparing exceptional occurences, I rarely
   have a single iota of intellectual meaning to contribute to the group.
   I enjoy my attempts to conquer your credibility through "flaming", but I
   am actually pursuing a scholastic career where English is my 3rd language.
   I have an undying and endless love for my thesaurus.
       (You know who you are)

8) Hi;) I thought your last post was really mean 8) Why can't everyone
   just be friends X-(. I like you all. You're all nice people &|-7. 
   Let's all just work it out and be happy &8-)-[8-<====<
    Boopeeee

######## END OF VERSION 6.3a Beta, November 9th, 19:02 #####################


Any and all contributions to the source are eagerly awaited and encouraged.
Realize that this source has NOT been ported to other newsgroups other than
those explicitly mentioned. Anyone would like to do this should mail me
with their modifications. Heh -I had fun writing this, but I'm off to choir
now. ciao.

steve
-- 
aasdSteveFranklin-Subliminal Psychology Major.ks;dlasBlueJaysRULEkasdfeahsdbfl
sd;lfaswoq[eBuyMeAQuadra!!!mbnZMXCNdfsba;KdSPAMiuroqiyetIBMSuxiweuryth'ewr;mxn
qpuepriuPartyOneqtuj;,n.,xnc,kjasFlameMeNot!;lkj;lkgkjd;askElvisLivesjhfquweru
zx.cfranklin@ug.cs.dal.ca,sk;t;lrut[Superboy@ac.dal.cav.zx,Physics!eq3rwkh;oHA
Newsgroups: alt.peeves