From: norris@infonode.ingr.com (Jeff Norris)
Subject: Re: Fun! Joan Crawford Recipes!
Keywords: wilted lettuce, hors d'oeuvres, meat loaf, Joan Crawford
Organization: Intergraph Corporation, Huntsville, AL.
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 22:20:35 GMT

adolphso@mizar.usc.edu (adolphson) writes:
>norris@infonode.ingr.com (Jeff Norris) pleads:
>> But Arne, please say there's room in your heart for more 
>> than one Jeffie!
>
>Let me take this opportunity to state clearly and for
>the record that J.N. "Jeffie" Shaumeyer is all the man
>I've ever needed, ever wanted, ever will need, ever will
>want.  He's my alpha and omega.
>
>[Ssssssh!  You mustn't *ever* breathe a word of this to
> the father of my little boy, but yes, there's more than
> enough room in my heart for more than one Jeffie!  Kiss
> me, my darling!]

That's why I'm so attracted to you Dear One, you have such a
BIG... um... HEART.

>[You know -- well, how could you know? -- my 34 year 
> old baby brother Jeff (who has *never* been referred
> to by me as "Jeffie") lives not too terribly far from 
> you.  Living with him and his lovely 44 year old wife 
> Linda are her daughter (whose name I always forget) and 
> *her* 15 year old son.  Yes, my 44 year old sister-in-
> law is the grandmother of a 15 year old.  My 34 year
> old brother is the step-grandfather of a 15 year old.
> I'm the what? step great uncle? of a 15 year old. <shudder>

Here in the South, those ULTRALIBERALS who want to corrupt our
youth by passing out condoms in schools have been STOPPED, Praise 
the LORD.

> But what do you want?  He lives in Chickamauga, drives
> a pickup truck with a gun-rack, is a bigmuscularhairy-
> beardedbutchbutchbutchbeerguzzlingconstructionworker, 
> and he knows not the slightest thing about Lily Pons or 
> Joan Crawford or Johnny Sheffield or anything of *real*
> interest.  

Honey, there are thousands of males here (Chickamauga is a couple of
hours away) who match that description.  We call that model "Bubba".

> Would you like to meet him?  Do you like beer?
> Are you interested in truck mechanics?  Like to hunt?]

{Sigh...} too late...  He's already met his mother-figure and married her.
(Although many bubbas *are* tearoom-lurker-types.)

>> >(Didn't *your* mother let you lick the skillet
>> >clean after she'd fixed up a batch of bacon?  That was one of 
>> >the true delights of my childhood.)
>>
>> My Mommy-Dearest made us wait until it was cold and scrape it up
>> with our fingernails. :-(
>
>Oh you poor thing.  No wonder you look in all the wrong 
>places for love and affection.  
>
>[Sssssh! I think I can sneak out tonight for an hour
> or two.  Wanna meet me at the 7-11 at, say, 9?]

[Too obvious, how about the sporting goods section at K-mart?]

>> My favorite recipe for bacon grease is to throw in lots of flour 
>> and salt to make a glue-like substance, then add milk for a gravy.
>
>Mmmmm!  My stomach is grumbling just thinking about it.

Oh, I just *knew* you would like it.  (Now please turn the other way
before you think about it any more.)

>> My hubby likes to pop popcorn in bacon grease.  

(By the way, Hubby is in your neck-of-the-woods this week.)

>Mmmmmm!  Now why haven't *I* ever thought about popping
>popcorn in bacon grease?   Well, probably because I once
>saw my best friend in 4th and 5th grades, Mike Braverman 
>(who tried -- unsuccessfully I don't think I need to tell 
>you -- to get me to join the Cub Scouts with him), "water-
>proofing" his hiking boots.  What Miracle Product was he
>using?  Something from Monsanto, perhaps?  Maybe some
>ScotchGuard?  *NO*!  He was smearing *bacon* *grease* all
>over his boots.  He learned that in the Cub Scouts.

I'll just bet it would make a great natural lubricant, too.  (They
wouldn't teach you *that* in scouts, I'll wager.)

>> I'll have a whole hog butchered before your much-anticipated appearance
>> in Huntsville.

>Just one?

LET'S HAVE A *LUAU*...  I'll dig the pit...

-jeff [now... how much charcoal will I need...?]