From: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie (Ciaran McHale)
Subject: Re: The War Between Us (Long)
Organization: DSG, Dept. of Computer Science, Trinity College Dublin
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1992 23:42:32 GMT

In <Bs0Ku2.Cv1@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu>
dbshapco@undergrad.math.waterloo.edu (Brad Shapcott) writes:
>Well, I've spent the last month in a bad mood that I seem to just be
>getting out of.

I was on holidays for a month and have just returned. I wonder if there
is any relation between my absence and your mood. Cheer up sweetie,
I have returned. :-)

<steps down off ego-box and searches for a suitable quote in
anticipation of flames...>

<> You mean the world doesn't revolve around me?  Gad, that explains
<> a _lot_ of things....
<> --- David Parsons (orc@vpnet.chi.il.us)

On a more serious note <raises left eyebrow slightly and frowns into
camera three for a moment for effect>...

>I don't know if one ever fully gets used to or accepts their
>sexuality.  Hets smugly think they do, but only because they haven't
>ever thought to question it -- but for queers, there always is a time
>where one deals with what they are.

Recently I started thinking about what happens when a household
appliance breaks down. The washing machine or the radio for example. You
simply call somebody to fix it or leave it in to be fixed and collect it
a few days later. If it can't be fixed then you just buy another one.
Simple. (Presuming you can afford to fix/replace it, that is.)

Unfortunately, it does not work the same way for ourselves. We can't
simply hand in our minds to a repair shop and call back in a few days
to find that all our personal hang-ups and problems have been fixed.
Wouldn't it be great if such a place existed. Imagine being able to
walk into the shop and saying "I need a general service. You know:
clean out the sexual abuse from my past, sort out my sexuality, give me
a bit more confidence to stand up to those jerks who are harassing me
at work...  that sort of thing. And while you're at it, try to flush
out any prejudices you come across." Imagine being able to just check
into such a place for a few days and walk out fully repaired.


>I'm gonna drop my bomb to start with -- maybe the homosexual community
>is correct in excluding the bisexuals.

There are several people here who share this viewpoint (to a greater or
lesser degree). Liz Highleyman was the first bi'ter I saw who said
something similar (this was many months ago). At first I disagreed with
her but I've since come round to share her viewpoint.

Of course, I'd phrase the viewpoint somewhat differently:

	Bisexuals need to build their own community rather than try to
	integrate with the existing lesbian and gay communities.

>I think there is a rift between the bisexual and the homosexual
>community that we try to pretend doesn't exist at times because we know
>that such dissent damages efforts to tear down the heterosexual
>assumptions.  We are together more because we are not heterosexual than
>that we are cut from the same cloth.

True. I forget where I read it, but to paraphrase some words of
wisedom, a successful community is one which recognises and celebrates
differences rather than pretend that they don't exist. Later on in your
posting, you say something similar.


>[...] You'll excuse me for being shocked at realizing that being
>married didn't make me as good a queer as the rest of you,

I suggest you redefine the word "queer" to accomodate yourself to your
own satisfaction. It is something I had to do. I'll try to elaborate by
analogy:

	I'm much more attracted to women than men. (I'm not sure how
	much of this is due to denial of my homoerotic feelings and how
	much it is a true reflection of my sexuality.) As such, I used
	to (and still do, though less frequently) sorta guilt-trip
	myself thinking that "I'm not bisexual _enough_ to be
	bisexual." A liberating moment for me was when somebody (Albert?
	Elf?) posted saying that some people consider anything between 2
	and 4 on the kinsey scale to be bisexual, while others take a
	wider view and say it is anything between 1 and 5. He then added
	"And Ciaran is bisexual because he says he is." (If somebody
	recognises the article in question and has it saved, please
	email me a copy.) When I read that it clicked with me that _I_
	am the one who will decide what label I attach to myself. I
	don't need to be "more bisexual" in order to be bisexual. If my
	definition of bisexuality differs from another person's then so
	what? _I_ know I'm bisexual. If somebody disagrees then they're
	wrong, not me.

Similarly, don't let anybody else tell you that you're not queer enough.
If you say you are queer then just wave a wand and .:poof:. you are.

>If queers were telling me that I wasn't measuring up and that I wasn't
>helping the cause, in the end I was inclined to agree.  I'm a terrible
>queer.  It didn't take all that long to realize I was an absolute
>failure at being queer.  I honestly didn't feel what I was supposed to
>be feeling, and thought I'd been had or fooled myself.  The only
>possible resolution that I could come to, that would explain the
>hostility and exclusiveness, was that being bisexual and queer didn't
>necessarily go together.

The word "queer" is being reclaimed from the straight community who use
it as a term of abuse and hate. Perhaps bifolk also have to reclaim it
from those lesbians and gay men who use it as a term which excludes
bifolk.

<> To assert that the earth revolves around the sun ``is as erroneous as to
<> claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin.''
<> --- Cardinal Bellarmine 1615, during the trial of Galileo.


Ciaran.
-- 
Ciaran McHale                                                             ----
Department of Computer Science, Trinity College, Dublin 2, Ireland.       \bi/
Telephone: +353-1-7021539 FAX: +353-1-772204 email: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie \/