From: REXLEX@linac.fnal.gov
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Marital Communication 2
Date: 15 Nov 92 23:36:11 GMT
Organization: FNAL

All in all, it just another brick in the wall. (Pink Floyd)

The following is from a counseling class held in Sheffield, by my good friend,
Steve Tracy.  He and his wife continually were amazed at the lack of such
counseling in England. . . . . 

II.	Life without the wall: What is genuine communication?  Eph 4:15; I Peter
3:7

A.	A definition--
"The sharing of two lives together, so that the real you is freely and honestly
expressed and accepted."

B.	Five levels of communication: 

1.	Cliches
How are you?  That is a nice tie, etc--no threat, done out of a sense of duty

2.  Reporting facts about others 
Tim got a new job; the Smiths are moving--no emotions expressed

3.	Sharing your ideas and judgments 
I think John Major is a good prime minister--communication begins here

4.	Sharing your feelings and emotions 
These bills worry me; It bothers me when your mother corrects the children

5.	Baring your soul (dangerous openness) 
deepest fears, dreams, most significant personal events from the past, etc.


III.  Bricks in the wall: What leads to communication breakdowns?

A.	Male/female differences 
sex drive; romance versus physical fulfillment; facts versus feelings, etc.


B.	Different life situations or experiences


C.	Fear.


IV.	Scaling the wall: practical steps to developing marital communication.

A.	Carefully evaluate your communication skills.  
Take a communication test with your spouse; ask a close friend how well they
think you communicate your inner feelings, struggles, and desires.  Scripture
tells us that the wise appreciate correction from others, for it allows them to
recognize blind spots and grow-Prov 12:1, 15; cp. Ps 139:23-24

B.	Renew your commitment to servanthood--Phil 2:3-5; John 13:12-15; Eph 5:25,
28-29
If Joe or Josephine normal Christian could spend one hour with a world famous
Christian marriage counselor and discuss anything they wanted to, what would he
or she ask?  Most would ask how to get their spouse to be a better wife or
husband, not how they could be a better spouse (How can I get my wife to: have
sex more often, stop being such a nag, stop spending so much money?  How can I
get my husband to take more responsibility for the children, show more
appreciation for me, stop being such a slob around the house, etc).  We need to
reconsider the radical nature of Biblical servanthood and continually ask
ourselves how we can be a better communicator, be more sensitive to others,
better meet the needs of our family and friends, etc., instead of whining about
how insensitive others are to us.

c.	Plan regular, quality time together.  Communication is costly--I Cor 9:25-27
Dobson steak ill.  Dates, 


d.	Reduce the competition--Dt. 24:5  
turn off the tv; no newspaper; eye contact-80% of communication is nonverbal


e.	Learn how to listen--James. 1:19; Prov 12:18; 18:13
Most marital conflict among Christians is not really a major difference of
opinion but a failure of understanding.  In our insecurity we often negatively
react to what the other isn't really saying, so they say it even louder and
more forcefully making it even more likely that we will continue to
misunderstand.	
o Try reflective listening; try asking non threatening clarifying questions
"What I hear you saying is that you were very disappointed at the way we
celebrated our last anniversary.  Please help me understand exactly what you
mean by this."  "I want to understand what it really means when you say that
sometimes our love making is not satisfying, could you give me some specific
examples to illustrate your frustrations?"
o Don't judge another's feelings, simply seek to understand them.  We must give
others the right to honestly express their feelings in conversation as God
gives us in prayer (Ps 10:1; 13:1-4; 42; 74:1-11)

F.	Affirm the person before judging their message--Prov 12:25anxiety in the
heart weight it down, but a good word makes it glad; 15:1a soft answer turns
away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger;  Rom 8:31-39 (we should love others
as God loves us)
What every spouse and close friend needs is a safe environment, where they will
be affirmed and accepted no matter what.  Thus, it is essential that we
reaffirm our love for the message giver before we question and disagree with
the message itself.
o My dad's statement "don't ever forget that you can always come to me and talk
about your problems, no matter what has happened.  It's too late then for a
sermon.
o "I love you more than I can put into words, and want with all my heart to
meet your needs.  I'm sorry that you are so frustrated about the way I've been
handling our finances (the children, etc).  Please let me explain why I made
these choices.

g.	Ask the right questions--Prov 16:24; 20:5 
"What are your biggest concerns right now about work, the children, the future,
etc.?"  "What would you like to see happen personally, vocationally, in our
family this month, this year?"  "If you could change any one thing about your
life right now, what would it be?"  "What was the most influential thing to
happen to you last year?  When growing up?"

h.	Expand your shared interests and experiences--Gen. 2:24-25; 1 Cor 6:16-18
o hobbies, books, sports, joint vacations, classes together, etc.
o Sheldon Vanaken's shining barrier ill, cutting out everything that is not a
joint interest
o ill. Mary Prough reading what Duane is reading

i.	Learn to fight fairly and profitably.  Avoid the following communication
killers:
o  avoiding uncomfortable topics--Jn.8:32 Does it get easier with time to talk
about uncomfortable topics?  diversions-joking, etc.

o  interrupting when you fell threatened--Pr. 18:1 "he who separates himself
seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom"

o  attacking the person instead of the problem--Pr. 14:1the wise woman builds
her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands; Matt 5:22; 18:13
he who gives and answer before he hears

o  rejecting legitimate criticism--Pr. 12:1, 12:15, 27:6

o  digging up the past--Ps. 103:8-12; Col 3:13 Is it ever right? when it is
necessary to resolve present difficulties

o  giving "you" messages instead of  "I" messages--Ro. 14:4-5  


j.  Establish personal guidelines for communication and intimacy What are
yours?
 1.  Won't criticize each other in public
 2.  Won't correct each other in pubic
 3.  Won't yell at each other 
 4.  Won't go to sleep with unresolved conflict (unless need time to cool off)
 5.  Will accept the other person's explanation of their words
 6.  Won't shut the other person off-sleep on the couch, hang up on them, walk
out, etc.
 7.  Will forgive and start over as often as we have to
 8.  Will never give up on the other person

NEXT:

k.  Read some good books on marriage and communication: