From: megazone@realsoon.WPI.EDU (MegaZone23)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Re: A Desperate Attempt [SC]
Date: 10 Sep 1992 10:00:52 GMT
Organization: WPI USAF -- United Society of Animation Fans
NNTP-Posting-Host: realsoon.wpi.edu

I'm sorry for putting this here, but I didn't want to leave things one sided.
Ben, if you want to reply take it to email. I won't continue the conversation
here.


In article <18mnhtINNp42@bigboote.WPI.EDU> gryphon@wpi.WPI.EDU (M-5) writes:
>In article <18mh0iINNmaa@bigboote.WPI.EDU> megazone@wpi.WPI.EDU (MegaZone23) writes:
>>And he is currently being pissy and I'm a good target.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Like I said...

>>You like saying that don't you Ben? You have never really seen me at my worst>>I've stepped over the edge before. 
>Yes, I do, and no, I haven't, and no, I still don't care if you have.
>Actually, you obviously _haven't_ stepped over the Edge.  You're still here,
>right?

Actually I have, I fucked up once. And I was lucky to have the friends I do to
catch me otherwise. I went over the edge, I just never hit the bottom. My
friends caught me.

>Well, it's true...being dark and mysterious and borderline suicidal draws 
>women.  They think maybe they can brighten your life.  Draw you back from
>the Edge.  All that other noble-ass shit.

Why do you think this? It's not like all I write about is death and
destruction. But when I write, I write from the heart. If it feels forced I
drop it. I don't set out to attract anyone, and just so you know I have a few
ongoing conversations with both women and men. I enjoy holding intelligent
conversations, so kill me. In fact, truth be told, most of them don't involve
death or depression, except as an abstract concept. WOW! Imagine that?! It 
just so happens that I have an admitted fascination with death, the unknown in
general. I also talk about storms, life, school, UF, etc... Yep, I must be
trying to play dark and mysterious.

Apparently you aren't basing this on just me, who else?

>('Scuse me, everyone...I just kinda hate the whole concept of men/women right
>about now.  Nothing personal...)

One totally fucked relationship doesn't mean that you are destined to a life
alone. If I thought that I'd be a hermit somewhere. Rebecca worked out just
dandy right? And falling for Jenna was a great move? Yeah....
Dude, you WILL get over it. You're in the middle of it now, and I know you
don't want to hear that. But someday you will be able to look back and you'll
realize it was one event in a long life.

I won't say you'll be able to laugh, or that time heals all wounds, because it
sure the fuck doesn't. I know, I have ancient open wounds. But as time goes on
I learn how to deal with them, or at least ignore them. 

>Except me.  I've tried to talk to you more times than I can count.  You've
>without exception blown me off, or agreed to talk, then said nothing.  You'd

Yeah, right! Maybe I just don't know what to say? You're a lot like me, like it
or not. I can never seem to help myself, so how am I supposed to help you. I
don't have all the answers. I seem to have gotten a reputation as a miracle
worker since I generally give advice that works, but sometimes I don't know 
what to do. I really don't know what to say... I don't think running away is 
the answer. To me that's letting her win. (At least if I follow your version of
events, which I don't at this time.) How am I supposed to answer email that's:

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Gryphon

My approach is to let you blow off steam since while you're ranting you never
listen to reason. I wait until later and try and put the pieces back together.
And a few of the times I told you how I saw things you preceeded to tell me
how wrong I was and ignore me anyway. I have been there a few times....

"I can't hurt Kei!" Remember that one?
"Tricia is doing it deliberately!" How about that?
"Mike backed out! I'm doomed!" That one is still iffy, I found a solution, but.
Lots of minor things too... I'm sorry, you can dump on me all you want, but I
can't have the solution all the time. I also have some personal stake in this,
as I'm friends with both parties and I'm trying NOT to get in the middle.

>that's right...you don't share anything with me, do you?  Pardon, I forgot
>my place for a moment.  My place is to watch you walk the Edge and worry,
>never help.  I can't get close enough to help.

How many fucking times do we have to go over that?!?! I even warn you when to
stay away if you don't want to see me raging now. I'm sorry, I DON'T LIKE MY
PAST and I don't like talking about it. I try to let out some of it bit by bit
though my character in UF. It's a way for me to deal.... here to make it clear

Flipping through the pages
Searching for an image from the past
A photograph
Finding it I gaze upon the likeness and remember
Remember how cruel he was
How he used others
The prejudices he carried
The hatred
I recall how cold he could be
Calculating
Plotting
Manipulative
More machine than human
Oh, but how he could act
He fooled them all
They believed they knew him
Thought he was sweet and kind
Innocent
Helpful
Yes, he fooled them all
Except one
He was never good enough to fool me
I knew what he was really like
Knew the depths of his darkness
The extent of his evil
And yet, for so long, I did nothing to stop him
I can never forgive my inaction
Closing the old yearbook I realize 
Realize I still feel hate
Hate for what I once was

megazone, visiting the past, 8/15/92


>Brian D. Bikowicz just told me to chill, my life isn't over.  HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben, I've been there before. It fucking sucks, it can drive you nuts, make you
build a wall. I did it, and I regret it. Now I get to watch you do it to 
yourself. Think this is a fun activity for me? I've told you my opinion both in
person and over the nets, and you still cling to your decisions. Maybe time 
will change your mind, maybe not, but I know I can't.

>YOUR life isn't fucking over either.  I'll stop pining and moping and 
>randomly hitting things and being angry at the world and wondering why why
>why why why fucking why THE SAME DAY YOU DO.

I don't do it constantly. I don't stomp through the wedge announcing that I 
can't go home because 'she's still up.' My normal level just happens to be a
little down the scale from most people. Hey, that's me. You just happened to
catch me on a bad night, while I was mildly annoyed with you, and while I was
reading intensely personal and emotional email, when you started telling me I
had to get off the terminal since I was on for 30 minutes (when in fact I had
been on for much less than that, I had to wait for it.) And leaning on my back
it sort of pissed me off. I lost my temper, if you had come by in 5 minutes I
would have been in a totally different mood. Bad timing is everything. My first
instinct was kill someone, but I like to think I'm a bit more controlled than
that, so I hit an inanimate object.

I would like to grab you by the lapels and shake you until you stop building 
your goddamn wall. I want to beat some sense into you. I want you to learn from
my experience. Damnit man, I fucking care, and I'm watching you tear yourself
apart and I can't do anything about it. I hate not having some control, I hate
feeling frustrated, so I get angry. It used to be easy, I used to just not care
at all. I can't do that anymore.

>pay careful attention.  This is how _not_ to run a friendship.  It works
>for us because we're professionals.  Don't try this at home.

Yeah, it takes a lot of practice and patience for friendships like this to 
work. A high pain tolerance helps too....

>	--"When Magic Dies", 27 August 1992
>		(c) 1992 Benjamin D. Hutchins
>Enjoy.

Hey, I liked it....

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Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday