HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: sgupta@coral.cs.unm.edu (Sarang Gupta)
Subject: Re: Misc Traffic Rules
Organization: Computer Science Department, University of New Mexico
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 03:20:16 GMT

New Mexico Driving Law #2 (I post these as they happen to me in real-life)
-------------------------
LAW: If the guy in front of you has room to make a left turn, so do you... 
COROLLARY: This law is recursive.
From: bmcnulty@OAVAX.CSUCHICO.EDU (BOB MCNULTY)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: don't inhale
Date: 26 Jan 93 16:37:56 GMT
Reply-To: bmcnulty@OAVAX.CSUCHICO.EDU
Organization: California State University, Chico
NNTP-Posting-Host: oavax.csuchico.edu





What does the band play when Clinton enters the room?













Inhale to the cheif.





        ////////      "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition
       (       )        from mediocre minds."   
        \ @ @ /                          A. Einstein
-------w---U---w----
Bob McNulty, CA. STATE UNIV., CHICO
BMCNULTY@OAVAX.CSUCHICO.EDU
From: v140pxgt@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wierd Names
Date: 27 Jan 93 00:08:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1993Jan26.212955.13960@random.ccs.northeastern.edu>, eastman@ccs.northeastern.edu (Jennifer L Eastman) writes...
>In article <C1Cp77.Mtr@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> laurent@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Volcano Man) writes:
>>>>> How about those fake book names, like:
>>>>> Off the Cliff, by Hugo First
>>>>> To the Finish Line, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont
>>>>> The Yellow River, by I P Daily
>>
>>>>Basic Math, by Adam Upp
>>>>Brown Spots on the Great Wall of China, by Yu Flung Poo
>>
>>> Demolition Derbies Illustrated by Carl Wrecked
>>> Biography of Rush Limbaugh by Ize Hitler
>>> Techniques for Winning at the Racetrack by Be Ting Odz
>>> A Guide to Casinos by Iwuz Rich
>>> Garden of Eden by Wanna B. Adam, illustrated by Iwuz Eve
>>> Tourists Guide to New York by Ivebn Robd
>>
>>The Little Yellow River, by I P Freely
>>Life Under an Outhouse, by Seymour Butts
> 
> 
>Sliding Down the Flagpole, by Dick Burns

Revenge Of The Tiger, by Claude Balls
Chinese Overpopulation, by Wee Fuk-Em-Yung
Hawaiian Overpopulation, by Kamana Wanaleia
Glass Bleachers, by Seymour Butz
Lost Balance, by Eileen Dover

"Fine art and pizza delivery-                   Dan Case
 what we do falls neatly in between!"		V140PXGT@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu
		-David Letterman		Prodigy: WDNS15D
	State University of New York at Buffalo
From: kraai4712@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Stupid Names
Date: 26 Jan 93 11:04:16 -0600
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

In article <1993Jan26.032036.20208@news.columbia.edu>, pw15@cunixa.cc.columbia.edu (Philip  Wang) writes:
> In article <1993Jan25.210207.10166@iscsvax.uni.edu> kraai4712@iscsvax.uni.edu writes:
>>In article <1993Jan19.090149.1375@altair.selu.edu>, susv2040@altair.selu.edu writes:
>>> In article <1993Jan15.095627.5049@memstvx1.memst.edu>, nealhd@memstvx1.memst.edu writes:
>>>> In article <14JAN93.22558299.0010@MUSIC.TCS.TULANE.EDU>, EC0AAEF <EC0AAEF@MUSIC.TCS.TULANE.EDU> writes:
>>>>> I'll probably get flamed for this, but I ran across a poor

Just thought of another, Ed Fallis.
From: swc3@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (SHANE WILLIAM CORRIGAN)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Interim Canonical List of Old \* Never Die, they just ...
Date: 26 Jan 93 22:35:41 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University



   OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.



   Shane
From: babar+@pitt.edu (Jonggu Moon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: balls
Date: 26 Jan 93 14:10:58 GMT
Organization: University of Pittsburgh


A man walked down a row of cars in front of the entrance
to the CIA headquaters and randomly shot at cars.

I'm not surprised. There are enough psychos and enough 
complaints against the CIA for these two categories to
overlapp.

I *AM* surprise that HE GOT AWAY !!!!!



Wasn't there a story about how a guy tried to rob a bank
during pay-day for a local FBI office such that many
of the clients standing in line at this bank were
ARMED TO THE TEETH ?
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 15:10:34 EST
From: Kevin W. Kull <KWK107@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ASCII roses

  Does anyone out there in netland have ASCII pictures of Roses?  If so please
e-mail them to me or if you have a few minutes (this will really get to her)
send the roses along with a showering of compliments to REL112@.psuvm.psu.edu
with my (Kevin) good wishes.  I need all the help I can get to get this
incredibly beautiful woman to go out with me.

         Many thanks in advance to all who take the time,
                                     Kevin W. Kull
                                     Penn State University
Xref: sparky rec.humor:38730 ba.market.misc:10288
From: bbrown@willamette.edu (Brian Brown)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,ba.market.misc
Subject: Re: This is a test
Date: 23 Jan 93 20:46:27 GMT
Article-I.D.: willamet.C1Br1F.Eo4
Followup-To: alt.cascade
Organization: Willamette University, Salem OR

>> >>> >>>This is a test.
>> >>> >>Be my guest.
>> >>> >cascade fest
>> >>> Surely you jest.
>> >>Is that your BEST?
>> >Give it a rest.
>(sigh) Such a pest.
-- 
------------------  bbrown@willamette.edu  (Brian W. Brown)  -----------------
Old Computer People never die, they just go to bits, lose their memory, and
cache in their chips.  Old Mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
------------ Walt Disney didn't die.  He's in suspended animation ------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: andy@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (andy.russo)
Subject: This Just In (Actual News)
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Arlington VA - Frizzy Things Dept.
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 18:04:12 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Keywords: The-Gall-Of-Some-People, death penalty, bears

An Alexandria, Virginia, USA man was fined and given three years
of probation for dealing in bear gall bladders.  Seems that
selling a bear's gall bladder is illegal here, but they're popular
for medicinal use in the Orient.  There was no comment from the bears.
"Take two bear gall bladders and call me in the morning..."

There's also a state legislator trying to let death-row prisoners
choose a lethal injection instead of the electric chair.  BUT they
can only get a lethal injection if they volunteer to be organ donors.
"Hey - I ordered my liver pickled, not fried."
"This way, the state can save several lives for every person we kill,
so it's really a bargain if you think about it...."

	No word yet on lethal injections for bears!

Andy (Why Buy A Jokebook When The News Is So Stupid?) Russo
# Your Ad Here.  Call 1-800-IMA-NUTT.
From: rcosby@bcm.tmc.edu (Randy C. Cosby)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Jim Bolushi films
Summary: Re: spelled Jim Belushi
Date: 27 Jan 93 22:32:24 GMT
Organization: Baylor College of Medicine, Houston, Tx
NNTP-Posting-Host: bcm.tmc.edu

In article <C1J3qo.Lx9@news.cso.uiuc.edu>, am49469@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Alexander Mesin ) writes:
> I am trying to get a list of movies that Jim Bolushi has played in.  So far,
> I only have five:
> 
> About Last Night
> Red Heat
> Taking Care of Business
> Real Men
> K-9
> 
> I am sure there are more, but I can't think of them.  I home some of you
> can help.  Thanks a lot
> ..
> 

	Thief  with James Caan  
        Mr. Destiny


That's all the Jim Belushi films I can think of ....


right now




Coz
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Subject: Re: Misc Traffic Rules
Organization: National Association for the Disorganized
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 15:31:22 GMT

SCOTT MATTHEW ESTRIN writes:
>No, actually in Staten Island (New York) I've seen signs that say "Wait for
>green".  I assume that's equivalent to New Jersey's "No Turn On Red", whereas
>by law a right-on-red is permitted.
There is a sign at the exit of a mall near where I live that says "No Right 
Turn On Red".  Every time I pass it, I always wonder if that means you can
make a LEFT turn on red....

Amanda Robinson            ** GASTON: "Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking"
"Compass points can be     ** LEFOU: "A dangerous pastime"
used to specify direction" ** GASTON: "I know"  
  --from Physics 101  	   **	--from Disney's Beauty & the Beast
From: bjones@denitqm.mnet.uswest.com (Brent Jones)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Writer's Euphemisms for Death
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 27 Jan 93 09:30:02 GMT
Organization: U S WEST Information Technology Services


                      Writer's Euphemisms for Death
Perhaps too job-specific, but funny anyway!

Top Ten Technical Writing Euphemisms for Death

10.  Made the big deadline.
9.  Taking minutes for the Maker.
8.  Went to that big spelling checker in the sky.
7.  "Lateral mobility."
6.  The final Edit.
5.  The eternal offsite assignment.
4.  Documented the Big D.
3.  Very, very passive voice.
2.  Reformatted.

1.  An improvement over technical writing.

Brent Jones, technical editor, bjones@denitqm.mnet.uswest.com


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Date: Sat, 23 Jan 93 4:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ewa@cs.ucsd.edu (Eric Anderson)
Subject: What a deal
Keywords: smirk, true

Everyone should order their software from INMAC.  Special offer on the
back page of the Sept/Oct 1992 catalog:

90-Day Software Guarantee

Open & try it up to 90 days.  If it's right
for you, we'll give you your money back.

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Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ICNXH@asuvm.inre.asu.edu ( Nadeem Haque)
Subject: Truth in Advertising
Keywords: smirk, true

read this on soc.culture.pakistan. forwarding it, courtesy of the
original poster.

The neon signs at the terminal buildings of an airport in the capital
city of pakistan say:

                islamabad international airport

one night when some of the segments didn't work, it read:

                is a  bad international airport

Nadeem Haque
icnxh@asuacad.bitnet

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Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 4:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu (Matthew S. 'Opie' Warren)
Subject: Birth Control for Men and Women
Keywords: smirk, sexual

A friend told me this, she heard it from a standup comic:

    "You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for
women.  It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  

     Well, they're coming out with a new one for men: it's a brain, that
goes in your head."

--
Matthew S. "Opie" Warren     warren-matthew@yale.edu


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Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 3:20:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Who's there?
From: KHOCKENBURY@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu (Kurt Hockenbury)
Keywords: topical, smirk

A joke I heard from a friend at school, who heard it from her 10 year old
cousin:

A:   Knock knock
B:   Who's there?
A:   Amy
B:   Amy who?
A:   Amy Fisher.  BANG.

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From: warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu (Matthew S. 'Opie' Warren)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Where does my j-ke go?
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 26 Jan 93 00:30:12 GMT

Hi.

Anyone who's submitted a joke to r.h.f receives in reply a form letter that
contains, among other things, the following disclaimer:

>Remember that when you submit here, you give me permission for 
>unlimited distribution of your joke -- including networks like GEnie --
>and the right to put it in the annual jokebook.

I wondered exactly _how_ unlimited this right was.  After a little
research, I compiled the Top Ten Places Your Joke Will Wind Up:


10.  Translated into Urdu and performed to unsuspecting tourists
     as native poetry

 9.  Read out by Republicans filibustering Freedom of Choice Act
 
 8.  Featured in the trailer for Star Trek XII: Kirk and Spock Get
     A Nasty Case of Parkinson's 

 7.  Used to cheer up out-of-power Mikhail Gorbachev

 6.  Introduced as evidence in the _tenth_ Rodney King trial, the
     one where they charge the four policemen with using swear words

 5.  Evaluated in Pentagon's $690-billion plan to re-initiate 
     the famed Joke Warfare system that won us World War II

 4.  Recorded backwards on new Def Leppard album and promptly banned 
     by President Gore, who succeeded the late Clinton after the 
     tragic horseshoe incident

 3.  Suddenly discovered in the newly-made-public Dead Sea Scrolls,
     much to the chagrin of the Israeli Government

 2.  Secretly written to the disks of unsuspecting Prodigy users 

And the NUMBER ONE Place Your Joke Will Wind Up after it's sent out to
hundreds of thousands of rec.humor.funny readers is:

 1.  The bit bucket



[Okay, so it really says "unlimited _electronic_ distribution."  But 
 that's not nearly so funny.]

--
Matthew S. "Opie" Warren     warren-matthew@yale.edu
"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."

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Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 19:30:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: mann@emma.la.asu.edu (Mark Mann)
Subject: Great American Smoke-out
Keywords: chuckle


A man called into a local radio station (93.3 KDKB) and told the 
"morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."

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Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 12:20:05 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Bush & Hussein's Parting Shots
From: rws@cs.brown.edu (Richard W. Sabourin)
Keywords: topical, smirk


[Apologies if this is not original]

In a clever marketing ploy, The D-Con insecticide company has announced that
its popular "No-Pest Strip" will be immediately remarketed as the "No-Fly Zone".


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Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 3:20:03 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: It's everywhere you want to be
From: theobald@duke.cs.mcgill.ca (Kevin THEOBALD)
Keywords: topical, chuckle, offensive, original

[Footage of bombings in Sarajevo, gun battles, etc.:]

"Bosnia-Herzegovina continues to be ravaged by the worst fighting
in Europe since World War II.  Rebel forces besieging Sarajevo
are mercilessly bombing the city to rubble as the terrified
population faces the prospect of mass starvation.  In areas under
Serbian control, soldiers ruthlessly sweep through neighborhoods
and kill or expel all Muslims under the policy known as "ethnic
cleansing."  The less-fortunate Bosnians are sent to Nazi-like
concentration camps, where they are tortured and starved.  Many of
the women in these camps are gang-raped daily by Serbian soldiers."

[Shot of angry-looking gunman at checkpoint pointing rifle at camera,
shaking his head:]

"But if you think THIS is bad, just wait 'til you see what happens to
you if you don't have your VISA card.  Because in Yugoslavia, they
don't tolerate ethnic diversity, and they DON'T take American Express!"


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Date: Thu, 28 Jan 93 19:30:02 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bmh@terminus.ericsson.se (Bernard Hatt)
Subject: System Problem Report Form 
Keywords: chuckle, computers, original


			SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT FORM

This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow records
of problems to be kept and a method of discouraging users from reporting
faults in the first place.

1.	Your name ? ________________

2.	Your login name ? ________________

3.	The date ? ___/___/___

4.	The date the problem first occurred if different ? ___/___/___

5.	Problem severity
	Minor __	Minor __	Minor __	Minor __

6.	Which machine ? ________________

7.	Which area appears to be at fault ?
	Communications __	Disk __		Base unit  __
	Network __	Keyboard __	Screen __	Mouse __
	Everything __	Don't know __

7.1	Is it plugged in ?
					Yes __		No __

7.2	Is it switched on ?
					Yes __		No __

7.3	Has it been stolen ?
					Yes __		No __

7.4	Have you tried to fix it yourself ?
					Yes __		No __

7.4.1	Have you made it worse ?
					Yes __

7.5	Have you read the manual ?
					Yes __		No __

7.5.1	Are you sure you`ve read the manual ?
					Yes __		No __

7.5.2	Are you absolutly certain you`ve read the manual ?
					Yes __		No __

7.6	Did you understand it ?
					Yes __		No __

7.6.1	If 'Yes' why can't you fix it yourself ?
	________________________________________________________________

7.7	Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy ?
					Yes __		No __

7.7.1	If 'Yes' what sort of noise ?
	Grinding __	Rattling __	Whirring __	High pitched whine __
	Sound of disk head scouring disk __
	Strange, out of tune,  whistling or humming __

7.8	Is there a smell of burning ?
					Yes __		No __

7.8.1	If `Yes' is the equipment on fire ?
					Yes __		No __

7.9	Is the fault repeatable ?
					Yes __		No __

7.10	What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault occurred?
	________________________________________________________________

7.10.1	If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
	________________________________________________________________

7.11	What are the 39 steps ?
	________________________________________________________________

7.12	Are you sure you arn't imagining the problem ?
					Yes __		No __

7.13	Do you have any independant witnesses of the problem ?
					Yes __		No __

7.14	Describe the problem.
	________________________________________________________________

7.15	Now, describe the problem accurately.
	________________________________________________________________

7.16	Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
	________________________________________________________________
	________________________________________________________________

7.17	Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me ?
					Yes __		No __


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From: norm@ctr.columbia.edu (N. R. Norm Lunde)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Day SunOS Died
Keywords: smirk, original
Date: 27 Jan 93 00:30:09 GMT


I made up the following bit of filk during a Computability class.  Hope you
like it.


The Day SunOS Died
===================
Lyrics by N. R. "Norm" Lunde.
Apologies to Don McLean.

Remember when those guys out West
With their longish hair and paisley vests
Were starting up, straight out of UCB?
They used those Motorola chips
Which at the time were really hip
And looked upon the world through VME.
Their first attempt ran like a pig
But it was the start of something big;
They called the next one the Sun-2
And though they only sold a few
It soon gave birth unto the new
Sun-3 which was their pride
And now they're singing

	"Bye, bye, SunOS 4.1.3!
	 ATT System V has replaced BSD.
	 You can cling to the standards of the industry
	 But only if you pay the right fee -- 
	 Only if you pay the right fee . . ."

The hardware wasn't all they sold.
Their Berkeley port was solid gold
And interfaced with System V, no less!
They implemented all the stuff
That Berkeley thought would be enough
Then added RPC and NFS.
It was a lot of code to cram
Into just four megs of RAM.
The later revs were really cool
With added values like SunTools
But then they took us all for fools
By peddling Solaris . . .
And they were singing,
	<chorus>

They took a RISC and kindled SPARC.
The difference was like light and dark.
The Sun-4s were the fastest and the best.
The user base was having fun
Installing SunOS 4.1
But what was coming no one could have guessed.
The installed base was sound
And software did abound.
While all the hackers laughed and played
Already plans were being made
To make the dubious "upgrade" 
To Sun's new Solaris . . .
And Sun was singing,
	<chorus>

The cartridge tapes were first to go --
The CD-ROM's a must, you know
And floppy drives will soon go out the door.
I tried to call and ask them why
But they took away my TTY
And left my modem lying on the floor.
While they were on a roll
They moved the damned Control.
The Ethernet's now twisted pair
Which no one uses anywhere.
ISDN is still more rare -- 
The bandwidth's even less!
But still they're singing
	<chorus>

But worst of all is what they've done
To software that we used to run
Like dbx and even /bin/cc.
Compilers now have license locks
Wrapped up in OpenWindows crocks --
We even have to pay for GCC!
The applications broke;
/usr/local went up in smoke.
The features we've depended on
Before too long will all be gone
But Sun, I'm sure, will carry on 
By peddling Solaris,
Forever singing,
	<chorus>

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