From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Subject: bi-monthly FAQ list posting.
Summary: one new section for SO's this time...
Keywords: FAQ
Organization: University of Washington
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1992 22:12:16 GMT

[ editor's note:  i've included JASO's section on hints for SO's of surviors as
  section 3.4.  the list keeps growing, which is good, but i still need help
  with the parts that aren't done. ]

		      Frequently Asked Questions List for
			   Alt.Sexual.Abuse.Recovery

This is a list of commonly discussed topics on Alt.Sexual.Abuse.Recovery
(hereafter ASAR), issues relating to healing from abuse, resources you can
access outside this newsgroup, etc.  It is the compiled work of many
contributors to ASAR.  If you have comments or suggestions, please e-mail them
to me (I'm listed at the bottom) or post them to the group for discussion.

This is a long list, so the first thing you will find is an outline.  There was
an idea that there be a short and a long version of this list.  I have decided
that this isn't particularly necessary, and have put the extra material from
the long list at the bottom.  You can stop reading any time, after all.  To aid
in finding sections, I have used a decimal index system.  You may skip to a
particular section by searching for the index number, ex: "2.2.4" for the
section on "Meta discussions".

I have marked sections as follows:  
  No mark: The section is complete
  A  "+" : The section is new or updated since the last posting of the list.
  An "*" : The section is missing.  Someone who feels that this is particularly
	   relevant to them please volunteer to write it.
  A  "~" : The section is somewhat complete, but could use work.  See above
	   call for help.
  A  "-" : The section used to be complete, some of the informatipn in it may
	   have changed.

The outline:      (compiled and organized by Hineni)

1.    Welcome & General Information about ASAR
  1)  What is ASAR?
  2)  A brief introduction to the Anonymous Posting Service.
  3)  Common Acronyms

2.    Who we are
  1)  Who "belongs" here.
  2)  Posting etiquette.
      1) Ground Rules.
      2) Spoiler Warnings.
      3) What's Great, What's OK, What's Unacceptable.
      4) "Meta" discussions.

3.    Safety & Self Preservation
  1)  Is it safe?  (Nature of public posting place)
  2)  What do I do if I feel attacked in the group?
  3)  What does the group do when a person is abusive?
+ 4)  Hints for partners of survivors.

4.    Frequently Discussed Issues
  1)  What can/can't ASAR do for me?
  2)  Can I start another thread on these topics?
  3)  How can I tell if I've been abused if I have no memories?
  4)  Sometimes I think I'm making it all up; am I crazy?
  5)  How much of my childhood _should_ I remember?
  6)  Medication: To take or not to take?
  7)  Cutting & self-mutilation: Why do I do it and how can I stop?
  8)  What I have to say is not worth talking about; why should I post?
  9)  Should I forgive the abuser(s)?

5.    Resources
* 1)  How do I report a suspected/known abuser?
* 2)  General support (gynecologists, rape crisis center, phone hotline, etc.)
~ 3)  Specific support organizations (w/ contact for local support groups)
* 4)  Groups
  5)  SIGs  
~ 6)  Books and articles
~ 7)  Miscellaneous resources

6.    Things You Might Want to Know
  1)  List of famous survivors
  2)  "If it helps," a pep talk.
 ~3)  Stats on prevalence of abuse
  4)  Medications (common ones listed with side effects, etc.)
  5)  Common "symptoms" (nightmares, cutting, anorexia/bulimia, etc)
  6)  How can I tell if I have multiple personalities?
  7)  Comments on rescue missions.
  
7.    Things some people find helpful.
  1)  Child Within (Inner Child) stuff
  2)  Ways of comforting yourself.
* 3)  When you're scared of a particular person
* 4)  Ways of bringing things up in ASAR (eg asking for gentle responses)
  5)  Ways of empowering yourself.
===========================================================================
1. Welcome & General Information about ASAR
1.1)   What is ASAR?      (by Matt Fields)

As the name suggests, ASAR is a public forum on recovery from all types of
sexual abuse, including rape experienced by adults as well as by children.  It
is frequented by both males and females, and is accessible to everyone,
including supporters, health care professionals, perpetrators, and the general
public.  The cast of readers and authors changes constantly.  Recently
discussed topics include self-inflicted violence, multiple personalities,
confronting/naming perpetrators, dealing with the holidays, explaining oneself
to prying members of the general public, self-defense, nightmares, etc.

1.2)  A brief introduction to the Anonymous Posting Service.

For those who are not comfortable enough dealing with their abuse to post using
their real name, there is an anonymous posting service, which removes all
identifying information from a post, and replaces the poster's address with an
anonymous i.d. number.  The following are some of the highlights of the help
message for the APS.  However, if you are considering using the APS, it is
highly recommended that you send a mail message to "anon-help@twwells.com" to
get the full help text.  The APS supports many features not covered below:

Before you try to do anything anonymous, you may want to make sure that the
service won't accidentally give away your identity.  The way to do that is to
send a message to anon-ping@twwells.com. Besides sending a lot of words
your way, it will return to you what it would have posted or forwarded, had
you e-mailed to one of the posting or forwarding addresses.  You can check
over that to make sure that all identifying information has been removed.

To post anonymously, you just send e-mail to the posting address.  The
posting address for alt.sexual.abuse.recovery is anon-asar@twwells.com.

You can only send anonymous e-mail to an anonymous id. If someone has not
obtained an anonymous id from the posting service, you will not be able to
send them e-mail through this service. When you have their anonymous id, say
anon-1000, you send your e-mail to anon-1000@twwells.com.

You are in control of whether you will receive e-mail through the anonymous
service. When you first receive an anonymous id no one can send you e-mail
through the service. You can change that by sending e-mail to any of the
anon- addresses (except anon-admin, which doesn't go through the posting
service) with the following line in it:

ANON-Mail: yes

Be sure that the command is all the way to the left and is capitalized
exactly as you see it. You will receive an acknowledgement of the change in
the form of a ping message.

You get an anonymous id the first time you send a message to anon-ping, you
send a message to be posted anonymously, or you send to an anonymous id.

Not everyone can use @ style addresses. Also, some people may be able to use
@ style addresses but still be unable to get through to my system.

If your system uses ! style addresses, as in foo!bar!user, you can send
e-mail to either decwrl!twwells!anon-whatever or uunet!twwells!anon-whatever.
The former is likely to be much faster than the latter but you may already
know how to get to uunet but not to decwrl. Both, however, are well known
sites, so you should have no problem getting to either.

If your system uses @ style addresses but gives you back an error like
"unknown host twwells.com", that means that your system has not been
configured to deal with so called MX records. Sites on milnet are notorious
for this. If you are on such a site, you have every reason to complain to
your system administrator but in the mean time, you can send to
anon-whatever%twwells.com@decwrl.dec.com. If you need to have the problem,
and solution, explained to your system administrator, feel free to drop me a
line.

1.3)   Common Acronyms     (by Jason Black, contributions from Matt Fields)

As you read ASAR (and other groups as well), you will run across a variety of
different acronyms and symbols that are a bit difficult to figure out.
However, since they are often used to stand for states of mind or tones of
voice, not knowing what they mean can lead one to misinterpret someone's
posting.

APS:	   The Anonymous Posting Service described above.
ASAR:      This newsgroup.
BTW:       By the way.  A side remark or tangent.  These often lead to new
	   discussion threads.
DSM-III:   Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, 3rd edition.  A document used in
	   the psychiatric/psychological field as a classification of mental
	   disorders.
e-hugs:	   Electronic hugs.  "I'd hug you if you were within arm's reach"
FAQ:	   Frequently Asked Questions list.  This document is one.
IMO/IMHO:  In My (Humble) Opinion.  The poster wants to make sure you don't
	   think s/he's lecturing you.
MP/MPD:	   Multiple Personality (Disorder).
PERP:	   Perpetrator.  Whomever it was that abused you.  Avoids the need to
	   use more emotionally charged words to reference those people, like
	   "father," "sister," "priest," etc.
PTSD:	   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A disorder originally applied to
	   war veretans, now recognized as applying to abuse survivors as well.
SO/SSO:	   (Semi) Significant Other.  Someone romantically attatched to the
	   poster.  This term is a good way to refer to such a person in a
	   gender-neutral way, i.e. avoiding the terms "girlfriend" and
	   "boyfriend."
*A:	   All the "Anonymous" groups: Alcoholics Anonymous, Survivors of
	   Incest Anonymous, etc.  Generally these are self-help support
	   groups. 
:)	   A "smiley".  Turn your head to the left to get the effect.  There
	   are countless varieties of these, including :( (the frownie), :-),
	   :6 ("bleah" smiley with tongue out), etc.  These are often used to
	   indicate states of mind.  The :) smiley is very frequently used to
	   indicate sarcasm or other forms of humor.  Don't get offended by
	   something that has a :) after it.

2.   Who We Are     (by Jason Black)
2.1)   Who "belongs" here.

More or less anyone belongs here.  The group is ostensibly for survivors of
sexual abuse.  However, a great variety of other people find benefit from this
group as well, and we don't turn them away.  People like survivors of other
forms of abuse, SO's of survivors, a few doctors and therapists who add their
two cents, and by far the largest group, silent readers.  People who read but
do not post.  By my estimation, there are about 450 people who have posted to
ASAR.  The latest arbitron figures I heard said that around 19000 people
worldwide read this group.

2.2)   Posting Etiquette.
2.2.1)   Ground Rules  (by Bear Giles, Jason Black)

Everyone is welcome to read ASAR.  However, since ASAR functions as a
combination sexual-abuse survivor's support group and online rape crisis
center, we must ask you to observe a few rules unique to Usenet.  These rules
exist to form a safe environment for the active participants; failure to
observe these rules has been demonstrated to cause a negative impact on the
functioning of this group.

To draw an analogy to the rules of conduct in group therapy sessions:

Perps should not post abusively.  This is a group for survivors.  However, many
perps are themselves survivors, so this is a tricky issue.  If you are a perp,
you should exercise rather a great deal of caution as to how you post.  As
mentioned above, if you post abusively the members of ASAR will do something
about it.

Disagreements and arguments will break out on ASAR.  We would like to think
they don't, but ASAR members are real people, and so they do.  When they do, it
is helpful to keep in mind that taking sides against one or more people on the
other side doesn't help.  It is divisive behavior, and hurts the overall
atmosphere on ASAR.  People have been known to stop reading ASAR when such
incidents happen, which prevents ASAR from being the tool for healing that it
is intended to be.

Survivor's stories should not be questioned.  This reinforces "don't talk"
rules of perps, making the cost to survivors far outweigh the potential
benefits.  Many survivors find it extremely difficult to discuss their abuse.
Questioning the truth of what they say happened to them is a very cruel thing
to do.

Judgements of sexual behavior should not be made.  ASAR readers run the gamut
from heterosexual to homosexual and everything in between.  No matter what your
orientation is, you have as much right as anyone to participate in ASAR, and as
little right to criticize someone else's sexuality as you would give to them.

Religious aspects of healing should be dealt with carefully.  While religion
can be a powerful healing force, it was also a factor in many cases of sexual
abuse.  Treat religious opinions as you would sexual orientations: to each
their own.

Survivor's stories, or summaries thereof, should not be reposted elsewhere
without explicit permission of the author.  To do so would be a rather gross
violation of that person's trust in the newsgroup.  For a lot of survivors,
trust is hard to come by, so don't mess it up.

It will not always be possible for you to agree with everyone.  There will be
times when you feel that you have to say something to someone that isn't
particularly nice, in order to be honest.  For example, if someone posts asking
for support for something you feel isn't right, it would be natural to tell
them so.  However, one should be careful in how one says this.  Keep in mind
that the person on the other end could well be in a vulnerable and not too
strong frame of mind, and treat them gently.  ASAR has seen several unpleasant
flame wars break out because someone with the best of intentions and very valid
points to make posted a response to someone else which was overly blunt.
Remember that it can be hard to see the message behind the style if that style
is too agressive.

Care should be taken when posting excerpts from e-mail you have received.  Keep
in mind that the person sending you mail chose e-mail over posting in the first
place.  You may not know what their reasons were, but their choice of a private
forum should still be respected.  When posting e-mail, it is a good idea to
make sure that you have explicit permission of the author to do so.  And be
sure in your post to let your readers know that.  Of course, the flip side of
this is that one should not take this assumption of a private forum and use it
to harass someone via e-mail.  That is the sort of thing that can get your
local net administrator to remove your net access.

2.2.2)   Spoiler Warnings   (by John Light)

This newsgroup includes a wide range of individual experience, ranging from
people who are just realizing that they may have been abused to people who have
made significant steps toward recovery.  People traumatized by abuse often feel
unable to deal with graphic material related to abuse, yet some people want to
share graphic material that relates to their own abuse and recovery.

Our challenge is to meet the needs of the entire range of sensibilities.  This
must be done in a way that requires no additional administration and doesn't
impose censorship.

Following the lead of other newsgroups, readers of ASAR use "spoiler" warnings.
The use of the word is that if you aren't in a safe personal space when you
read the material, it may spoil your whole day.

Each submitter will decide for himself whether the material may cause distress
for some readers.

The string "<spoiler>" should be included in the Subject line.  If you don't
realize you want to post something graphic until you're typing it in, don't
sweat it.  Just put the "spoiler" string on a line by itself, set off in some
visually striking way so as to warn people.  for example:

			  ***** SPOILER WARNING *****

Even if you do have a spoiler warning in your subject line, it is still a good
idea to have one of these lines anyway.

The first lines of text in the message should identify the sender and the
nature of the material.

Just ahead of the graphic material, there should be a few blank lines and a ^L
(control-L) character, which will terminate the page in many news programs.

The graphic material will follow the ^L.  It should meet the same criteria as
other submissions to ASAR., i.e., it should not be abusive to its readers in
general or any individual, it should be be related to abuse recovery, etc.

If followups are innocuous or of general interest, the "<spoiler>" string
should be removed from the Subject line in followups.  This reduces the volume
of "<spoiler>" warnings so we don't become desensitized to them.

In practice, most people will read the spoiler material.  For them, it still
provides an opportunity to prepare emotionally for the material.

2.2.3)   What's Great, What's OK, What's Unacceptable  (by Jason Black)

It's great to share your stories on ASAR.  Writing them down can be very good
for the soul.  It's great to give encouragement to others for the courage and
strength they show.  In general, it's a good thing to present a positive and
constructive attitude on the group.  That's what helps people.

E-hugs are ok, so long as you don't try to force them on people.  A lot of
people are uncomfortable with such gestures of affection, so the appropriate
thing to do is to offer "e-hugs if you want them."  And be sensitive to other
people's desires.  If someone indicates that they would rather not be offered
e-hugs, don't.  
It's ok to disagree with people.  In fact, disagreement can lead to very good
and thought provoking discussions.  However, one should make some effort to be
tactful and considerate when disagreeing.  It does no good to make a good point
in a belligerent manner.  People are easily turned off by abrasive presentation
of an idea.

Criticizing people as opposed to their ideas is not helpful.  Flaming others is
not acceptable.  Generally, any behavior that is deemed abusive, hurtful or
counterproductive is unacceptable.  If you post something which is unacceptable
the odds are very good that someone will let you know, generally by posting in
return.  If what you posted was misunderstood, or you didn't know that you were
being hurtful, simply posting an apology or clarification will suffice.  ASAR
readers are amazingly forgiving.

2.2.4) "Meta" discussions.  (by Laurie Mann)

I would like to urge people to avoid meta-discussions in ASAR.

A meta-discussion is on which does not discuss the issue at hand (supporting
abuse survivors), and, instead, gets all wrapped up in political agendas and
personality bashing.  I've seen some groups go completely down the tubes over
this issue, and I don't want to see it happen here.

If someone's attitude bothers you, put them in your kill file.  If they seems
more than a little annoying, try writing them personal mail. (Warning- this
rarely works) If they are genuinely abusive, forward their mail to their
postmaster.  (Do the last only as a last resort)

This section, were it a post, is an example of a meta-discussion (or a
meta-meta-discussion)

The point being that it is counter-productive to fill the discussion on ASAR
with posts about how someone else is posting.  Such discussions are better off
conducted in e-mail, or avoided alltogether.

3.     Safety   (by Jason Black)
3.1)   Is posting to a public place safe?

By and large, yes.  If it weren't, ASAR wouldn't be thriving like it is.  It is
true that anyone with net access can potentially read this group.  And with the
sensitive nature of the topic material, it is understandible if you don't want
to post using your real name, or in any other traceable way.  That's what the
APS is for.  Most people feel that the benefits of participating in ASAR far
outweigh any risks.

3.2)   What do I do if I feel attacked in the group?

Don't stand by and let it happen!  Stick up for yourself, and marvel at the
number of people who stick up for you too.  I have not seen a case yet where
someone felt attacked and wasn't supported by others in the group.  Of course,
there are two sides to everything, and unless the person disagreeing with you
is extremely blatant in their attack, expect other people to support that
person also.  Don't take it personally; different people think different
things.  Keep in mind that all types read ASAR.  Not everyone who reads has the
best of intentions.  Everything you read should be taken with a grain of salt,
since the people responding to you don't actually *know* you.  They're reading
your posts, and extrapolating a lot more about your situation than they
probably should.  But that's human nature.  If you feel that someone is
attacking you, or has said something that doesn't apply to you, you are free to
brush it off.  Every newsreader I've seen provides the ability to filter out
posts that you don't want to see.  If someone is constantly getting on your
nerves, you can have your newsreader filter out posts by that person.  Presto,
no more problem.

3.3)   What does the group do when a person is abusive?

Generally, the response is pretty amazing.  We have had two glaring cases where
abusive personalities have intruded into our carfully constructed healing
place.  In both cases, we sent mail to those people asking that they stop their
abusive behavior.  In both cases, they didn't, so we then started sending mail
to their postmasters and local system administrators.  In one case, the local
postmaster didn't really care, but the person realized they weren't wanted and
weren't bothering us as much as he thought, so he got bored and left.  In the
other, the local system administrator had a talk with the person about net
etiquette and rights versus priveleges, and the person stopped.  Generally, we
do not put up with abuse from anywhere.  It's part of our healing.  If you want
to be abusive, go somewhere else because we won't let you abuse us.

3.4)  Hints for partners of survivors (by JASO)

1. Make sure you are getting the help *you* need to deal with the strain of
being an SO, *especially* during the rough period when your loved one is
becoming aware of what has been done to them and by whom.  You can't be any
good to somebody else if you're all wrapped up in your own issues. This doesn't
mean you should treat your loved one like an idiot, and never bring up things
that bother you; it means that you need to remember that your loved one has
been grievously injured in the past, and this injury is scattered through their
psyche like a minefield.  Some of things that you need to sort out with
*somebody* should not be brought up with *them* because the topic, or the fact
that you are angry, or the fact that you are being assertive, or some other
wierd intersection with the circumstances of their injury is going to hurt them
even worse.  So consult a professional; you'll learn a lot.

2. Your relationship with your loved one is probably going to be a bit
unconventional :-) If you are the same gender as the perp then some suppressed
anger may pop out and land on you when you did nothing to deserve it. Or you
may come home after a hard day at the whatever, start unburdening yourself
about how miserable your life is, and then in the middle of this discover that
your loved one has been thinking about suicide all day. So now you feel like a
jerk, and your day was still bad.  Or your loved one will need hugs and holding
but will be in a seriously non-sexual mood.  And in the course of holding and
hugging you will start to feel sexual, and now the two of you are *seriously*
crosswise. Reread Rule 1.

3. Work at encouraging your loved one to get professional help.  You can't be
their therapist: you aren't trained for it, you haven't got the time, and
you're too involved.  I always recommend starting out with, or having therapy
supervised by, a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist because there are
medications that help and things like depression can influence, and be
influenced by, other illnesses in really wierd ways.

4. Do your best to be there when you're needed. Any survivor has, especially in
the case of incest, been subject to an unimaginable breach of trust. They need
to rebuild the ability to connect with another human being and rely on them.
During the tough times the relationship may seem awfully one-sided. Try not to
blame your loved one, and work out your annoyance/anger with whoever is helping
you (Aha! Rule 1 again!).

5. Your loved one may have serious flashbacks or psychological episodes
triggered by scenes in movies; they may have what appear to be extremely
irrational fears of crowds, the indoors, the outdoors, nightfall, other dumb
stuff.  They may wake up in the middle of the night with big-time anxiety
attacks. Try to be sensitive to these concerns and learn what to avoid (and,
less paternalistically, discuss beforehand).  Check on the movie before you go;
leave in the middle if it's getting to be too much for your loved one.  Work
out your feelings about the ruined night out/date/dinner/trip with whoever is
helping you (good old Rule 1 again).  Try not blame yourself when you screw up;
some things you just can't predict.

6. (This is tough, but could be important.) Think hard in advance about how you
would handle an emergency.  Under what circumstances would you call 911?  Do
you know the therapist's name?  Do you have the phone number handy?  What
medications is your loved one taking?  If you're not a legal spouse, who's
going to vouch for your status in your loved one's life?  Is there somebody
else (parent, ex-SO, the perp) who is liable to wade in and make things worse?
If so, what might you be able to do about it? Think about all this ugly stuff,
get mad about it, and talk about it with whoever is helping you (Surprise!
Rule 1!).  Then file it away in the back of your mind and get on with your
lives together.

And finally, a rough rule taught me by a wise old shrink: you can gauge how
depressed somebody else is by how depressed *you* feel when you're around them.


4.    Frequently Discussed Issues

Having dealt with the administrative issues, on to the real stuff.  What
follows are the results of some good discussions we've had on some topics that
apply to a lot of ASAR readers.

4.1)   What can/can't ASAR do for me?   (by Matt Fields)

If you are a bit unclear as to the actual usefulness of ASAR, then you may
find interest in this list.  This is what people commonly see as the benefits
and shortcomings of ASAR.

ASAR can	* Let you know that sexual abuse is common.
		* Let you know you are not alone in your despair or recovery.
		* Give you a basis for evaluating your own (possible) abuse.
		* Support you when you are otherwise isolated.
		* Show others' struggles for recovery.
		* Provide resource lists for help and information.
		* Encourage you to seek help locally.
		* Provide guidelines for selecting help locally, including
		* Provide guidelines for selecting a therapist.
		* Provide support while you are recovering.
		* Provide a place to talk about abuse issues nobody else
		  wants to hear.
		* Encourage you to protect yourself from sources of abuse.
		* Provide feedback about what you are thinking or doing.
		* Allow you to share your sorrows and triumphs.
		* Make known to the general community (whoever bothers to
                  read this group, possibly including abusers) the positions
                  of a number of sexual abuse survivors.
		* Act as a form of self-therapy

ASAR can't	* Decide you were sexually abused.
		* Clear you of sexual abuse.
		* Protect you from your abusers.
		* Protect you from abusive net posters.
		* Take the place of a professional therapist

4.2)   Can I start another thread on these topics?

Generally, yes.  If you feel that a topic is relevant to your healing, then by
all means bring it up.  Odds are that there are others out there who agree with
you or have the same concerns and would like to talk about it.  Starting a
thread about the latest Mets' baseball scores would be a bit inappropriate, but
starting a thread about how the charges of rape against three major leage
baseball players make you feel would be quite appropriate.  If you're not sure,
go ahead and post.  If no one wants to discuss it, the thread won't take off.
It's sort of a self-resolving issue.

4.3)   How can I tell if I've been abused if I have no memories?
(by Kara J Keeter)

Not everyone remembers their abuse.  A lot of survivors of abuse first start
the healing process while still wondering whether or not they had really been
abused.  The important thing is to ease your pain and begin healing.  Begin
applying the principles of healing, and the memories will come when and if you
are ready for them.

If you are experiencing symptoms common to people who have been abused (see
list below), then it would probably be in your best interests to try some of
the methods that have been suggested for healing from abuse.  If you have a
suspicion that maybe you were abused but you aren't quite sure, then maybe it
would be helpful for you to work on healing techniques.  Better safe than
sorry.  Absolutely the most important thing is your own healing from the pain
you are feeling.  You may find something of use to you, even if you never
remember any specific abuse.

Often, people who have been abused as children were told that the abuse didn't
really happen, that the child was making it up or was crazy.  It is very common
for survivors of childhood abuse to have times when they doubt if the abuse
occurred.  Thoughts of "It didn't really happen, I must have been dreaming" or
"What if I'm making it all up" are normal, but if you think you were abused, it
is safer to assume you were abused.  Think of it this way: your subconscious
would not *choose* to inflict on you the pain you are going through.  It is
much more pleasant to be happy and healthy; if you can't be happy and healthy,
and you suspect childhood sexual abuse, then do the things that help promote
healing, even if you don't have specific memories yet.

If you are experiencing both suspicions of abuse and doubts of your suspicions,
trust your suspicions for the time being.  Intuition is frequently right about
this sort of thing.  If you have symptoms of abuse and still can't remember
being abused, just work on your healing.  Memories will come when you are ready
for them.

Another common reaction of survivors is to minimize their abuse; to say, "Well
something happened but nothing that really qualifies as serious abuse" or "What
happened to me isn't as bad as what some people experience, and it doesn't
affect me now anyway".  If what happened to you was significant enough for you
to be questioning and reading this, then it was significant enough for you to
work on healing.  If you were harmed in any way, it was significant, and you
deserve healing.  You are worth it.

In section VI of the FAQ is a list of some common "symptoms" of having been
abused.  Having one or more of these does not catigorically mean that you
*were* abused, but it is a strong indicator.  It does almost surely mean that
there is something in your past that should be worked on, even if it's not
sexual abuse.  If you wonder whether or not you've been abused, you should
probably have a look at this list.

4.4)   Sometimes I think I'm making it all up; am I crazy?  (by Matt Fields)

Unfortunately, we can't tell you whether you're making it all up.  However,
it is not crazy to feel this way, even if bodily scars remind you of
what has happened to you, but most especially if there aren't any that
you can see.  Also, it is statistically very unlikely that you are making this
up.  Cases where people (children mostly) make up stories about being abused
are almost always the result of being coaxed into it by someone else (eg, a
bitter parent during divorce proceedings).  The great majority of people who
have stories of being abused really were abused.

One of the most common traits of abusers is that they demand control over
double-think reality---by this, I mean that they create networks of alibis
for themselves and stories implicating their victims as guilty or unworthy
or stupid or deluded...You may have to ask yourself what part of your
incredulity about your own memory is based on shame which has been
placed on you unfairly by an abuser, and which part deals with conflicting
facts.  For some people, this web of lies is a basic part of the foundation of
their lives, and it can be scary to even contemplate that it needs to be
removed.  However, when these people do tear down the crumbly foundation, they
almost invariably end up re-building something better, stronger, and cleaner
than was there before.

For me, an important early strategy was one of wait-and-see: I gradually
made available for testing and reevaluation basic "facts" that had been
ground into me, such as the idea that parents are always motivated by
their kids' best interest...Over time, it became possible for me to
congeal a knowledge of reality rooted in my own experience rather than
in the attitudes of my abusers towards me.

An important part of coming to feel not crazy was for me to go beyond
recognizing the facts of what had happened to me to realize that they
constituted abuse.  I will not repeat the biographical details here, but
suffice it to say that everyone acknowledged that these acts constituted
abuse except me; when I began to see them that way, getting feedback from
others was especially helpful.  Now, I don't recommend just going and
asking a random co-worker or dorm-mate whether they think action X
constitutes abuse...You're likely to get a weird reaction.   Trusted
friends, carefully picked therapists who have earned your trust, etc.---
these are relatively safe people to confide in, for most people;
existing circles of survivors, like this newsgroup, are also good.

You may ask this question when feeling severely distressed at the
denial techniques of your abusers or at your current condition;  in that
case, I would refer you to the rest of the FAQ for resources which you
may find immediately helpful.

4.5)   How much of my childhood *should* I remember?  
       (by Mary Riley and Jason Black)

A lot of abuse survivors, myself included, have gaps in their memories.  Some
people shut out specific events, and leave the rest alone.  People who were
chronically abused often shut out whole chunks of time.  Sometimes years worth.
This is normal.  If your world view includes "parents don't have sex with their
kids" and yet your parents were doing that to you, then the memory is
incompatible with your belief system.  Putting it into the attic, so to speak,
is a common way of resolving the inconsistancy.

There isn't really any set amount that you *should* remember.  As much as you
feel comfortable remembering or need to remember is a good guideline.
Sometimes new memories wait until your belief system can accomodate them before
they show up.  Sometimes memories will show up that help you to understand more
truthfully what reality is or was for you.  So the short form answer is:
whatever you need to know, You will.  You may remember nothing, you may
remember everything, but chances are you'll be somewhere in between most of the
time.  My experience -- with myself and survivor friends -- is that the
subconscious mind is kind and considerate, and won't drop a brick on your head
unless it knows you're already looking up to see the brick fall.  When you're
ready to remember, you will.  If you're not, don't sweat it.


4.6)   Medication:  to take or not to take?

If your therapist has suggested taking medications to control your depression,
mood swings, etc, you very probably have questions as to whether or not you
should take it.  There are two rather vocal schools of thought on this issue.

One is that just because the medication is for a mental affliction is no reason
not to take it.  If your body was sick, and a doctor prescribed penicillin, for
example, you would probably take it.  It helps you get better.  How are mood
altering medications different?  If it helps you get better, why should you not
use it?

The other school of thought says that they would no way, no how take into their
body some sort of foreign substance that's going to alter the way they interact
with the world.  Sure they may make you *feel* better, but it's a drug induced
better.  That's somehow artificial, and less real than really healing.  These
people see mood altering drugs as a crutch, and they are determined to be
strong enough to not use the crutch.

There are good points in both of these positions.  On the one hand, this
recovery stuff is hard!  Why make it harder by not taking something that will
help?  On the other hand, drugs would seem to take some of the control out of
one's life.  For survivors for whom control is a serious issue, there is reason
not to take these medications.  

There is much more to this issue than is presented here.  Talk with your
therapist or doctor about the effects of these drugs, and do some serious
thinking as to why you would want to/not want to take them.  You should
probably also read the section below on common medications prescribed to
survivors (section 6.4).

4.7)   Cutting and self-mutilation:  Why do I do it and how can I stop?
     (by Jason Black)

What is cutting (am I a cutter)?
     Sadly, it is fairly common for survivors of sexual abuse (and other types
of power abuse) to indulge in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting.
Cutting is willful injury to one's self using something sharp.  Obviously, the
motivations for cutting can lead to other forms of self-mutilation (I used to
pull out eyelashes and locks of hair, for instance) besides actual
bloodletting.  The key point is that all of them hurt, and all of them cause
some sort of damage to one's body.  On ASAR, the phenomenon has become
known in general as "cutting" because more people seem to have specifically
cut themselves than hurt themselves in other ways.  This is not to invalidate
anyone else's experiences, it's just that "cutting" has become a convenient
label.

Why do I do it?
     There are several theories as to why people indulge in self-mutilation.
One is that it's a control issue.  When children are abused, they are in a
situation of no control.  Their abuser(s) can hurt them any time, and the
children are largely (if not completely) powerless to stop it.  When the child
grows older and is faced with stressful situations, there is often a strong
desire/expectation for some sort of pain, since pain is associated with stress
in that person's mind.  People who have had these associations forced on them
frequently cut themselves because this is a pain that satisfies the psycho-
logical desire for pain, and is *also* a pain that the victim can stop.  At
last the person is in control.  And while the cutting itself is harmful and
can cause shame and guilt later, I can tell you that the control feels good.

     Another theory is that people who were abused as children often have been
taught (by their abusers, or by others who have denied the child's experiences
as being valid) that they are bad people, who should by all rights be
punished.  Sometimes people like this turn to behaviors like sado-masochism,
or bondage-and-dominance in order to get the punishment that they want.
Others can't ask others to punish them, so they punish themselves with
cutting.

     A third theory is that cutting is a manifestation of a desire to become
physically unattractive.  This is often true of girls who are constantly
bombarded with messages (overt and subtle) that they are beautiful and
therefore desirable.  They naturally reason that if they make themselves
unattractive, no one will rape them because they will be undesirable.  This
chain of reasoning can also lead to compulsive eating behaviors that leave the
abuse victim overweight and thus outside of what this society calls
attractive. 

    Of course, every person is different, and there are many less common
theories as to why people are cutters.  If you are a cutter and don't fit any
of the above models, so what?  That doesn't mean your situation is
fundamentally different or less valid.  Also, it is common for more than one
of these thought patterns acting in concert to produce some very complicated
rationales for self-mutilation.  These desires can be quite strong, and often
a cutter will not know why s/he indulges in such behavior.  I didn't know why
I cut myself for a long time; all I knew was that it hurt but I really
couldn't stop myself.  I liked the pain, because it meant that I was strong.
Strong enough to overcome my own natural instinct to avoid pain, and strong
enough to endure the pain without crying out.  For me, there was something
about seeing real red blood coming out of lines in my skin that made me feel
very alive (a powerful thing during a time in my life when I felt/wished
otherwise that I was dead).

What are the results of cutting?
     Cutting is a mixed bag, but most people agree that in the balance it's a
bad thing.  Cutting can make you feel powerful.  It can make you feel in
control.  It hurts, and that can make you feel alive.  But it also can make
you feel guilty for "being some kind of a sicko," and feel shame for having
done it.  Those are the sort of things that take away from one's self-esteem.
And of course, a lack of self-esteem can lead people into bad relationships and
other non-healthy situations.  Mental concerns aside, cutting causes real
physical damage to your body.  There is also the possibility for infection
and/or tetanus (especially if unclean steel implements are used for the
cutting).  

How do I stop?
     If you are a cutter, you probably want to stop.  The following are some
of the arguments against cutting.  Reading them should give you some good
clues as to how to stop.  At the end of this section is my story of cutting
and how I stopped.

     Cutting is damage.  By cutting you injure your body.  This is not a good
thing.  Your body is important.  It's the only one you've got and it should be
taken care of.  It would be harder to live a fully happy life with a damaged
body, especially if part of that damage you did yourself.

     Cutting is abuse.  As a sexual abuse survivor, you've already been
subjected to more abuse than anyone should be.  Your abusers hurt you, why
should you heap more abuse on yourself?  You don't deserve that kind of crap.

     By cutting yourself, you're buying into an unhealthy behavior pattern
that was taught to you when you were a child.  What happened to you then was
wrong, and perpetuating that behavior pattern now isn't healthy for you either.
There may be some security in familiarity, but most people agree that it's not
worth the heartache.

     Cutting often stems from a desire for control.  Take real control of your
life and yourself and stop.

     I was a cutter.  Here is what made me stop.  First, I *wanted* to stop.
That's important, because I believe that you can't change your own behavior
unless you want to.  I knew that it wasn't healthy.  I would get stressed out,
cut myself, feel better, and then feel shameful and guilty.  Finally, a good
friend of mine talked some sense into me and made me realize that I was just
giving myself more abuse.  Until then, I hadn't realized that's what I was
doing.  I decided that I would just not let myself do it any more.  I simply
and stubbornly refused.  I've always had problems with self control, and
breaking promises to myself, so this was a good test for me, one which I'm
proud to say I passed.  One thing that helped me not relapse into cutting was
finding alternate methods of releasing stress.  Running up and down the stairs
in my dorm worked pretty well for me.  There were times after I decided to
stop when I wanted to cut myself, and had I not had established alternate
things to do to relieve stress, I probably would have given in.  Don't get the
idea that merely deciding not to cut myself anymore was all it took to remove
the impulses and desire to do so; far from it.  It took a few months of doing
other things when faced with that impulse to change my behavior pattern.  

     That's my story.  I hope it and the other information helps you or
someone you know to become a healthier and happier person.  

4.8)   What I have to say isn't worth talking about.  Why should I post?
       (by Lisa Nofzinger)

This is a very common fear.  Frequently those of us who were abused were
taught that what we have to say is invalid and not worth anything to other
people.  We were taught that we were stupid and that others' opinions were
worth more than our own.  In this group, all have an equal voice and everyone
can learn from everyone else.  This is a good place to unlearn harmful rules
that we learned as children.

Perhaps something that you say may seem stupid or irrelevant to you but might
help someone else.  Frequently in the group people will say, "Thanks for
sharing--this really helped me" or "It's good to know I'm not alone."  You
never know until you post!   Even if it does not help someone else, many of
us have found that writing about our feelings and experiences on the net is
very therapeutic.  We come to validate ourselves and what we've gone
through.  We grow in self-understanding.  Others may write and give us
support, and we do the same for them.   It's OK to talk here.  We'll listen.

4.9)   Should I forgive my abuser(s)?  (by Mary Riley and Jason Black)

Forgiveness is a difficult issue for a lot of survivors, because we are
frequently pushed by others to forgive the abusers.  Either because it's the
"christian thing to do" or "you don't want to break up the family, do you?" or
any other number of reasons.  

It is important to realize that you are not obligated to forgive anyone for
anything, ever.  If someone hurts you, it is completely up to you to decide
whether or not to forgive them.  A lot of the time people will want you to
forgive so they can absolve themselves of responsibility for what they did.  If
you forgive them, they don't have to feel bad about it.

If forgiving them is something you want to do, then do it.  If you think it is
something that will, for whatever reason, help *you* then by all means forgive.
But if you are being pressured from outside sources, or you just don't want to
forgive that person, then don't.  You don't have to.  Forgiving is in some
sense a way of saying "what you did to me was allright."  There's nothing wrong
with not wanting to send that message to your abuser.

So *should* you forgive your abuser?  No.  Can you?  Sure, if it's what you
want. 

*******************************************************************************
5. Resources (
5.1)   How do I report a known or suspected abuser?
5.2)   General support
5.3)   Specific support  (by Bob Boyd, )

Codependents Anonymous(CoDA)
PO Box 33577
Phoenix, AZ 85067-3577
602-944-0141

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
PO Box 3038
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55403
612-871-1520

Codependents of Sexual Addicts (COSA)
PO Box 14537
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55414

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
PO Box 300
Simi Valley, California 93062
818-704-9854

S-Anon
PO Box 5117
Sherman Oaks, California 91413
818-990-6910

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
Augustine Fellowship
PO Box 119
New Town Branch
Boston, Massachusetts 02258
617-332-1845

National Association on Sex Addiction Problems
800-622-9494

Incest Survivors Anonymous 
The main ISA office is at (213) 422-1632 P.O. Box 5613, Long Beach CA 90805.

5.4)   E-groups  

5.5)   SIGs   (by Black Pearl)

SIGs: What they are
 The VOICES In Action Special Interest Groups (SIGs) are essentially letter
writing support groups that enable members who share similar experiences,
backgrounds, after effects or other unique interests or commonalities to be
able to correspond confidentially.

How a SIG Works
Each group is lead by a coordinator whose responsibility it is to ensure
confidentiality and the smooth flow of correspondence.  When you join a SIG you
are committing to writing monthly (bimonthly for some groups).  Members send
their letters to the coordinator who gathers all the letters by a certain day
each month, copies them, and then sends each person in the group a packet
containing the other members' letters.  Groups "meet" in two ways: by letter
and at the annual conference when time is set aside for SIG members to meet in
person.

Each group consists of a coordinator and the members of the group, who share a
common interest or bond.  The SIG Coordinator may structure the group as s/he
sees fit within the guidelines set down by the SIG Committee.

SIG Committee 
The SIG Committee is comprised of five VOICES in Action members, one of whom is
the SIG Committee Chairperson, the Vice-President (who processes SIG requests),
and any interested person.  Experience as a coordinator or a SIG member is
helpful.  The Committee sets policies in accordance with Board policies, and
reviews special cases or complaints.  If a SIG member violates the confidence
of the group, the Board may choose to expel that person from the organization.
The SIG Committee operates a column in the VOICES newsletter to announce new
SIGs and share other information.  The committee is open to any suggestions,
comments, or feedback.

Joining a SIG
Following is a list of available SIGs.  (Not all SIGs are presently active due
to lack of coordinators.)  Please let us know the ones you wish to join.
Because of the commitment involved in belonging to a group, it is recommended
to join no more than three groups at first.  You can join more groups later or
resign from groups as the need arises.  Return your SIG request form to the
VOICES office and we will forward your request.

Membership in a SIG is SOLELY limited to VOICES In Action members.  There is no
charge for joining a SIG.  There are financial commitments within each SIG for
postage and copying charges.  These costs are determined by each group.  It is
not the responsibility of the SIG coordinator to finance group mailings.

Once the office receives your request for SIG membership, we will (1) notify
the coordinator that there are new members and (2) send a confirmation to you
of your enrollment in the group(s).  If a group lacks a coordinator, you will
be informed of this.  As groups become active, you will be notified that a
coordinator has been found and the coordinator has been notified of your
enrollment.

Please allow 2-4 weeks to process your application.  

ALL YOUR CORRESPONDENCE WILL BE HELD IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

SIG Operation
When the coordinator receives new SIG members' names, they send an introductory
letter and a SIG membership agreement form.  The letter of welcome/introduction
from your SIG coordinator will introduce the coordinator and will tell you the
process the group uses, i.e. how often they write, the format used, etc.  Some
groups communicate every two months, but most groups communicate monthly.  The
coordinator will talk about her/himself, and a little about the group in
general.  This is given in hopes that the new member will respect
confidentiality and the spirit in which it is sent, since at that point a
membership agreement form has not yet been signed.

You will fill out and sign the membership agreement form, which says you agree
to the issues of confidentiality.  This membership agreement is designed to
protect an individual's confidentiality.  You send the membership agreement
form and a letter of introduction about yourself to the coordinator of your
specific SIG.  Your letter of introduction can include anything that you are
comfortable sharing.  If you just feel safe sharing general information, then
that is all you need to send.  Based on what your coordinator shares in their
introduction, you will get a feel for what you may be comfortable sharing back.
Your letter of introduction will be your first correspondence to your SIG
group.

SIG Correspondence
How correspondence happens-- the coordinator includes your letter in the next
packet of mail to the SIG group members.  While the coordinator is receiving
your letter, the coordinator is also receiving letters from the other group
members.  The coordinator copies each group member's letter and puts a copy of
each one in a packet to each member and includes a letter of their own.  Each
new member will receive, in addition to the regular mailings, the introductory
letters of the active members.

This way each member in the group receives a copy of all other members'
letters.  The coordinator then mails this packet to all group members.
Deadlines: The coordinator sets a deadline for responses from group members.

In writing your letters to the SIG, sometimes you can write a general statement
to the entire SIG group and that is what you will send.  Other times, you may
have specific things to say to each member, based on the previous packet and
you may write a few lines or a paragraph to each one.  The groups have their
style and you have your style.  You are never under any pressure to share more
than you feel comfortable with.

General Information
Is there a requirement to write each month?  Well, yes.  The Special Interest
Groups work only when the group members are committed to corresponding
regularly with the group.  If you sign up for a group, you are committing to
write as often as the group is set up to.  You will be receiving packets of
mail with letters from the other members, and they too want to hear from you.
Also, because of the vulnerability of the issues shared in the mail packets,
members feel most comfortable sending them to active group members.  Under
special circumstances you do have the option of dropping a postcard or letter
to the coordinator to say you won't be able to write for a month or so if you
just get too busy or preoccupied, but are committed to the group and do plan on
being an active group participant as soon as possible.  The coordinators are
put in a double-bind if suddenly they don't hear from you.  They don't know if
you have fallen off the edge of the earth, or if you are angry and not writing,
or want to quit the group, or what your issues are.  You can also write to the
coordinator and request a leave of absence or to withdraw from the group if the
need arises.

Group Size and Co-coordinators:  
We try to limit the size of the group to 6-8 members to keep the correspondence
more personal and less overwhelming.  This isn't always possible.  At this
point, we try to find another coordinator.  So, with popular SIGs, there may be
more than one SIG on that topic operating in order to accommodate that need.
If you are willing to coordinate or co-coordinate any SIG that you join, you
can indicate that in your request.

Requesting New SIGs.  
If you would like to start a new group, please write to the SIG Chairperson c/o
the Chicago office and we will create a group just for you.  The request for a
new SIG will be announced in the VOICES newsletter.  If you would be willing to
coordinate this new SIG, that would be great because the group would be active
and operating that much sooner.

Where to write for more information:
SIG Chairperson, VOICES In Action, Inc., P.O. Box 148309, Chicago, IL  60614

Here's a fairly recent list of the VOICES in Action Significant Interest Groups
(SIGs) and how they work.  The only requirement is that you be a member of
VOICES ($40 if you can afford it; $25 for sliding scale).

 1.  Survivors who experience "Disassociated Childlike States".
 2.  Survivors whose abuse involved animals.
 3.  Survivors whose abuse involved ritualistic abuse.
 4.  Survivors who were abused by a family member other than a parent.
 5.  Survivors who are/were involved in self-abuse.
 6.  Survivors who were impregnated by their perpetrator.
 7.  Survivors who had several perpetrators.
 8.  Survivors who are/were members of a religious community (Ex. Buddhists)
	or left a religion.
 9.  Survivors who were abused by their father.
10.  Survivors who are single and surviving.
11.  Survivors who have addictive personalities or are involved in a
	12-step program.
12.  Survivors who were abused by authority figures (religious leaders,
	teachers, therapists).
13.  Researchers studying the effects of incest on the survivor.
14.  Survivors who are victims of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
15.  Survivors for whom incest is/was the only form of victimization.
16.  Survivors who recently confronted their families.
17.  Survivors who are college students.
18.  Survivors who are parents of survivors.
19.  Survivors who were in mental institutions as young children or 
	adolescents.
20.  Survivors who are working for legislative changes.
21.  Survivors who are lesbians. 
22.  Survivors who are counsellors or therapists.
23.  Survivors whose abuse involved pornography.
24.  Survivors who carry physiological ailments due to the abuse.
25.  Survivors whose perpetrators were sadistic.
26.  Survivors who are male.
27.  Survivors who are/were anorexic and/or bulimic.
28.  Survivors who have developed a Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.)
29.  Survivors who are recovering from amnesia.
30.  Survivors who are/were depressed and/or suicidal.
31.  Survivors who were abused by their mothers.
32.  Survivors who were abused by both parents.
33.  Survivors who were abused with emotional incest.
34.  Survivors whose spouse/partner is having a hard time dealing with 
	the incest.
35.  Survivors who are artistic/creative.
36.  Survivors who were raped as adults.
37.  Survivors who want to have children but are afraid to.
38.  Survivors who are parents.
39.  Survivors who are adult children of alcoholics.
40.  Survivors who experience problems fulfilling their sexuality due to 
	the abuse.
41.  Survivors who are going through a sexual identity crisis.
42.  Survivors who are having difficulty communicating with their mother.
43.  Survivors whose perpetrator was other than a family member.
44.  Survivors who were abused by a step-parent.
45.  Survivors who are Jewish.
46.  Survivors who were abused by a sibling(s).
47.  Partners/spouses of survivors.
48.  Husband/partner of a survivor.
49.  Survivors who are Christians.
50.  Survivors who are teenagers and young adults.
51.  Survivors who are women of color.
52.  Survivors who are/were abused by psychotherapists.
53.  Survivors who experienced pre-verbal abuse.
54.  SIG for (SIG) Coordinators.
55.  Survivors who formerly were severely obese.
56.  Survivors who are dealing with chronic illness or physical disability.
57.  Survivors who are adoptees.
58.  Survivors who are gay men.
59.  Male survivors who were abused by their mothers.
60.  Survivors who are bisexual.
61.  Survivors who are compulsive overeaters.
62.  Survivors who playacted out their abuse as children and adults.
63.  Survivors who have decided to no longer have contact with their families.
64.  Survivors who are recently married.
65.  Survivors who lead self-help groups for survivors.
66.  Survivors who treat offenders.
67.  Survivors who experience Several Kids Inside Syndrome (SKIS).
68.  Survivors who are/were involved in prostitution because of the abuse.
69.  Survivors who are/were members of the clergy.
70.  Survivors who have food phobias because of the abuse.
71.  SIG for Significant others (partners, spouses, siblings, etc) of 
	survivors with MPD.
72.  Survivors who have difficulty sharing/expressing emotions (ex. crying).
73.  Survivors who want to/are breaking free from abusive 
	(sexual/physical/emotional) relationships.
74.  Survivors who are interested in/involved in Goddess and Women's 
	Spirituality.
75.  Survivors who have isolated themselves and are dealing with the 
	isolation and it's consequences.
76.  Male survivors who where abused by someone other than a family member.
77.  Survivors who are attorneys/lawyers.
78.  Male survivors whose perpetrators were female.
79.  Survivors who have experienced current or past mental illness 
	(schizophrenia, manic-depression, borderline, etc.)
80.  Non-offending (pro-survivor) parents of survivors.
81.  Survivors who have MPD with alters that have a different sexual 
	orientation.
82.  Survivors who have a severe dissociative disorder but do not have 
	MPD and are not fragmented.
83.  Survivors who are providing support to sibling survivors.

5.6)   Books and Articles   (by Peter Fay, Matt Fields, Black Pearl, Lisa
       Nofzinger) 

Bass, Ellen and Laura Davis:
 _The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse_. 
 [When Mike Lew asked Ellen Bass about a Courage to Heal for men she said 
 that Courage to Heal was for men, all you need do is switch the
 pronouns as you read. (or something like that...)]

 _The Courage to Heal Work Book_ for men and women

 _Allies in Healing_ a courage to heal book for the SO's or support people of
 survivors.

Mike Lew: 
 _Victims No Longer_ a survivors book aimed at male survivors

I would recomend this book because it has little or no ax to grind, is non-
judgmental, is writen by survivors and has lots of survivor stuff in it and,
most important for me, shows me what surviving is. I finaly admitted my abuse
after reading it and got into therapy, untill then I was "Perfect". I 
recommend this book to anyone who even thinks that they, or some one they 
know may have been abused.  (IMHO-- PANDA)

	The courage to heal workbook 
		:  for women and men survivors
		.................  Laura Davis
	Allies in healing :  
		when the person you 
		love was sexually
		abused	.........  Laura Davis

	The sexual healing journey : 
		a guide for survivors 
		of sexual abuse .. Wendy Maltz

Also, John Bradshaw's books are pretty good for healing shame, and realizing
that the abuse wasn't my fault.  Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw
on: The Family, and Homecoming: reclaiming and championing your inner child
are the books of his that I know.

Finally, for working on boundaries, Pia Mellody's books Facing Codependence and
Breaking Free: a Workbook for Facing Codependence are pretty good.

"Adults Molested As Children: A Survivor's Manual For Women and 
Men," Safer Society Press, 1988.

"Co-Dependent No More," Melody Beatty; Hazelden, 1987.

"Daddy's Girl," Charlotte Vale Allen; Berkley, 1980.

"Father's Days," Katherine Brady; Dell, 1981.

"I Never Told Anyone: A collection of Writings by Women Survivors 
of Child Sexual Abuse," Harper&Row, 1983.

"It Will Never Happen to Me: Children of Alcoholics," Claudia Black;
MAC Publishing, 1981.

"Reclaiming Our Lives: Hope for Adult Survivors of Incest," Carol 
Poston and Karen Lison; Little Brown, 1989.

"Conspiracy of Silence: The Trauma of Incest," Sandra Butler;
Volcano Press, 1978; updated 1985.

"Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy," Christine A. 
Courtois; WW. Norton & Co., 1988.

"By Silence Betrayed: Sexual Abuse of Children in America," John 
Crewdson; Little Brown, 1988.

"Secret Scars: A Guide for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse," Cynthia 
Crosson-Tower; Viking, 1988.

"Why Me?" Lynn Daugherty; Mother Courage Press, 1984.

"Child Sexual Abuse," David Finkelhor; The Free Press, 1984.

"Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation," Susan Forward & 
Craig Buck; Penguin Books, 1979.

"My Father's House: A Memoir of Incest and of Healing," Sylvia 
Fraser; Ticknor & Fields, 198.

"Outgrowing the Pain," Eliana Gil; Launch Press, 1984.

"Child Sexual Abuse: A Hope for Healing," Maxine Hancock & Karen 
Burton Mains; Harold Shaw Publishers, 1987.

"Father-Daughter Incest," Judith Lewis Herman; Harvard University 
Press, 1982.

"Shame, The Power of Caring," Gershen Kaufman; Schenkman Books, 
1980.

"Child Abuse," Ruth S. Kempe & C. Henry Kempe; Harvard 
University Press, 1978.

"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patters of 
Intimate Relationships," Harriet Goldhor Lerner; Harper & Row, 1986.

"If I Should Die Before I Wake," Michele Morris; Dell, 1982.

"Women Who Love Too Much," Robin Norwood; Jeremy Tarcher, 1985.

"The Road Less Travelled," M. Scott Peck; Simon & Schuster, 1978.

"Incest: A Family Pattern," Jean Renvoize; Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1982.

"The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual 
Abuse," Beverly Engel.

"Secret Survivors," Sue Blume, John Wiley & Sons, 1990.

Some resources that might help in understanding inner children are:

Subby, Robert.  Healing the Family Within.  Deerfield Beach, FL:  Health
Communications, Inc., 1990.

Whitfield, Charles.  Healing the Child Within. Deerfield Beach, FL:  Health
Communications, Inc.,  1987, 1989.

Wholey, Dennis.  Becoming Your Own Parent.  New York:  Doubleday, 1988 and
Bantam Books, 1990.

These books should be available at larger bookstores; check the recovery or
psychological sections.  Wholey's book is also geared toward adult children
of dysfunctional families.

777 Salerno St. NW.     Canton, OH Golebiowski, Mike       21575 Lake
Ave.                 Lake Villa, IL  60046 Griffey, Matt           822
Lanyard Dr.                 Cicero, IN      46034 Grove, Justin           235
E. North Ave.               Lale Bluff, IL  60044 Halley, Walt, jm
11714 Thiele Rd.                Ft. Wayne, IN   46819 Hession, Tim
1528 N. Belmont Ave.            Arlington Hts.,IL 60004

EATING DISORDERS AND SEXUAL ABUSE

Sexual abuse, disordered personality and eating disorders.
McClelland, L., Mynors-Wallis, L.,  Fahy, T.
The British journal of psychiatry.  MAY 01 1991 v 158 sup10, page 63

Relation of Sexual Abuse and Bulimia in College Women.
Beckman, K.A., Burns, G.L.
The international journal of eating disorders.  SEP 01 1990 v 9 n 5, page 487

Health risk behavioirs and attempted suicide in adolescents who report prior
       maltreatment. 
Riggs, S., Aario, A.J., McHorney, C.
The journal of pediatrics.  MAY 01 1990 v 116 n 5, page 815

Childhood sexual experiences with adults by women with eating disorders
Palmer, R.L., Oppenheimer, R., Dignon, A.
The British journal of psychiatry.  MAY 01 1990 v 156, page 699

Are Child Sexual Experiences Related to Eating-disordered Attitudes and
    Behaviors in a College Sample? 
Smolak, L., Levine, M.P., Sullins, E.
The International Journal of Eating Disorders.  MAR 01 1990 v 9 n 2, page 167

Sexual Experience and Eating Problems in Female Undergraduates.
Calam, R.M., Slade, P.D.                   
The International journal of eating disorders.  JUL 01 1989 v 8 n 4, page 391

Group treatment of sexual abuse among women with eating disorders.
Kearney-Cooke, Ann
Women & therapy.  1988 v 7 n 1, page 5

Sexual problems are linked to eating disorders in men
American Family Physician, 31:120, Apr. 1985,

Sexual conflict and eating disorders in 27 males
Herzog, David B, D. Norman, C. Gordon, 
American Journal of Psychiatry, 141:989-90, Aug. 1984

SLEEP AND STRESS DISORDERS

Robert L. Williams, Ismet Karacan, Constance A. Moore.
Sleep disorders: diagnosis and treatment

Hartmann, Ernest.
The nightmare: the psychology and biology of terrifying dreams

Mendelson, Wallace B.
Human sleep: research and clinical care

Control-related Beliefs and Sleep Characteristics of Posttraumatic Stress
        Disorder Patients.
Mikulincer, M., Glaubman, H., Wasserman, O.
Psychological reports.  OCT 01 1989 v 65 n 2, page 567

Hypnotic Treatment of Sleep Terror Disorder.
Koe, G. Gerald
American journal of clinical hypnosis.  JUL 01 1989 v 32 n 1, page 36

Sleep studies and neurochemical correlates in panic disorder and agoraphobia.
Pecknold, J.C., Luthe, L.
Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology & Biologica. 1990 v 14 n 5, page 753

Electroencephalographic Sleep in Panic Disorder.
Mellman, Thomas A., Unde, Thomas W.
Archives of general psychiatry.  FEB 01 1989 v 46 n 2, page 178
-----
From:	hineni  8-MAR-1992 09:50
Subj:	faq.resources

The Cutting Edge
A newsletter for women living with self-inflicted violence.
POB 20819
Cleveland, OH 44120

An organization specializing in issues of male survivors:

The Waking Bear Institute
1516 Covington Drive
Ann Arbor, MI 48103
----
All addresses and phone numbers are U.S. except where indicated:

A magazine mailed throughout the world, for women survivors of
childhood sexual abuse.
Above A Whisper/P.O.Box 2588/Ann Arbor, MI 48108

The following items are quoted with permission from the
resource pages of Above A Whisper (r).
-----AAW-----
The area codes for numbers listed below is (313) unless otherwise indicated.

Ann Arbor Center for the Family 995-5181
Center For Independent Living (mostly wheelchair life) 971-0277
Legal Aid Services Southeast Michigan 763-9920
Parenting Classes 971-3993
Soundings 663-6689 (I don't know anything about them)
Univ. of Mich. Center for the Child and Family 764-9466
Washtenaw Area Council for Children 761-7071

GROUPS

Survivors Monthly 485-2379
Survivors of Incest Anonymous 971-9685
   Michigan SIA 675-0156
   Ann Arbor SIA, Contact Linda @ 242-1540 7-9pm "new format that allows
   unrestricted discussion, including ritual abuse"
Touchstone (a set of support groups) 483-7942
The Center for Mental Health and Chemical Dependency: A Survivor's
   Program 572-5873 or 572-5678

CRISIS INTERVENTION
24-hour lines

Assault Crisis Center 483-7273
Domestic Violence Project 995-5444
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
Sexual Abuse Recovery Assistance (SARA) 227-7100
National Runaway Switchboard 1-800-462-6642
Nurse Line 971-3993
Parent Helpline 1-800-942-4357
Protective Services, Dept. of Social Services 994-1882
S.O.S. Community Crisis Center 485-3222
Safe House 995-5444
Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center (SAPAC) 763-5865
Suicide Prevention Emergency Service 966-4747
Washenaw County Mental Health 996-4747
Ask A Nurse 572-5555  (Outside Ann Arbor, MI 1-800-472-9696)

OTHER

Catholic Social Services 662-4534
A-Step Self Defense 663-0873
Parent Aide Program 668-8300
Michigan Self-Help Clearing House 1-800-752-5858
National Self-Help Clearing House 1-212-542-2944

MORE ADDRESSES***

The Cutting Edge/P.O.Box 20819/Cleveland, OH 44120
   A newsletter for women living with self-inflicted violence.
   
Many Voices/P.O.Box 2639/Cincinnati, OH 45201-2639
   A bi-monthly self-help publication for people with multiple personality
   and dissociative disorders.

Kids USA/P.O.Box 25/Walled Lake, MI 48390
Ph. 1-800-KIDS-025
   Group addresses child sexual abuse by monitoring courts, judges,
   politicians, ...and offering community education.

Sexual Assault Services Resource Directory and Guide, Third Edition
Free to ORGANIZATIONS (I don't know how an individual gets one, if at all)
Includes a bibliography, a section on the rights of survivors, and a list of
service providers throughout the state (presumably Michigan).
Send name of organization, address, and telephone number to: Sexual
Assault Information Network of Michigan, P.O.Box 20122, Lansing, MI 48901

Research Study on female survivors of incest, focusing on their
relationships with other women, e.g. friends and mothers...
Amy Newman, M.A., (313)459-5815

6.    Things You Might Want to Know
6.1)   List of famous survivors  (by Shimon Walner, Jason Black, and others)

1. Beethoven - the Appassionata sounds like it's dedicated to his father.
               Such a violent, pleading piece of music.

2. Franz Kafka - he nailed his perp in "The Trial;" there is a courtroom in
                 every attic, and we have to climb on the bed to get there,
		 because that's the *only* way out of the attic.  In the end,
		 we die of shame. 

3. Oprah Winfrey - Talk show host.  Came forward with her brother's (and
				    father's?) abuse of her on her network
				    television show. 

4. Marylin VanDerber Atler - Miss America 1958

5. Sybil - Famous multiple personality case.

6. Roseanne Barr Arnold - Comedienne, star of the TV show _Roseanne_

7. Tom Arnold (Roseanne's husband) - Both Tom and Roseanne have talked about
				     their abuse on national television.  Tom
				     has also discussed confronting his perp.

8. LaToya Jackson (and allegedly the whole Jackson crew)

9. Nathaniel Hawthorne - American author, 1804-1864, famed for writing "The
			 Scarlet Letter," a novel about adultery (the real
			 scarlet letter was "I" for incest), and "The
			 Minister's Black Veil," a novel about a minister's
			 sexual indiscretions with a lady.

10. Elizabeth Barrett Browning - English poet, 1806-1861.  Author of "How do I
				 love thee, Let me count the ways..."

11. Alexander Pushkin - Russian Poet, 1799-1837.

12. Henry Miller - American writer, 1891-1980.

13. Virginia Woolf - Playwright and author.

14. Erin Moran - Actress.  Played Joni from the sit-com "Happy Days."  Now it
		 turns out that they weren't so happy after all.

15. Patty Davis - Daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan.  Nancy beat her almost
		  daily from when she was a little girl till she was in
		  college.  Her father (then governor of California) refused to
		  believe her when she told him. 

16. Alison Anders - Movie producer, recently of "Gas Food Lodging".  Gang raped
		    when she was 12 by a group of age-peers, she has gone on to
		    use her experiences to create characters for her movies,
		    and has used them as a form of self-therapy.  

Please add to this list if you can, and/or supply more info on the people
already listed here.

6.2)   If it helps -- a pep talk  (by Simon Travaglia)

Don't judge your progress, especially compared to somebody else.  (i.e.  "XXX
has been through this, and they're alright now, and I'm not yet; what's wrong
with me?")  Different people have different recovery times, personal strengths
and motivations.  You are unique, so you can expect that your recovery time (or
method) may not be the same as someone else's.  (Isn't it funny how we
sometimes compare ourselves to the optimum and highlight what we consider to be
our shortcomings? - Weird!)  Any progress is progress.  Simply joining this
group is progress.  Reading messages is progress.  Posting a message is
progress, etc.  Congratulations on your progress.

Don't do anything that you feel too uncomfortable with.  If someone posts a
message saying "You should immediately do ..."  and it goes against your grain,
DON'T do it.  (Similarly, you may choose to ignore this.)  There is a certain
amount of discomfort involved in progress anyway, but you are in the best
position to judge what you can and can't take.  You may feel that a certain
course of action is too big a step.  That's fine, take it in smaller steps, as
you feel up to it.

Anyone who attempts a recovery deserves respect and support for what they are
attempting.  You have my personal best wishes.

If you feel you should give support to someone, but "can't think of the right
words" - just email them a message (or post if theey are an anonymous poster)
saying "You have my support," "My thoughts are with you," or "I wish you well,"
etc.  Sure, it's not THE ANSWER to their problems, but it is an affirmation
that they are not alone in their troubles and that you do care.

Sometimes we all fall.  Sometimes it's just a slip, sometimes it's face first
into the pavement.  It's always important to get up, even if you hurt, BECAUSE
you hurt.  BUT, you can take your time in getting up, just keep fighting.

Lastly,	Take it easy.  That's so easy to say, but with it comes it's meaning.
Take it easy on yourself, congratulate yourself, don't try and force yourself
into something you're not ready for, accept yourself as being here and now and
wanting full recovery.

6.3)   Statistics on the prevalence of abuse  (by Jason Black)

[Editors Caveat -- The statistics I have are from a U.S. study, and one
Canadian study.  If you can submit to me statistics for your nation with
sources, I would be most appreciative.  I don't mean to be geocentric; I just
have no other data to play with.]

Rape is shockingly common.  A study recently completed by the National Victim
Center and the Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center at the Medical
University of South Carolina reports that there are more than six times the
number of rapes in America than the federal government reports.  This study
found that there were more than 683,000 rapes of adult women in 1990.  The
FBI's uniform crime report listed only 102,560 for that same period.  The U.S.
Department of Justice reported 130,000.

This study did not include those under 18, which account for 61% of all rapes.
Had those been included, the total number of rapes would approach 1.75 million.
In a single year.  Scary stuff.  Scarier still when you consider that these
figures do not include male abuse victims.  The study reported that girls
under age 11 account for 29.3% of sexual abuse victims.  Those between 11 and
17 constitute 32.2.

Under-reportage of rapes is a problem with the government's statistcs.  The
data in the National Women's Study was taken from 370 rape crisis centers
across the country.  Only 16 percent of the rapes reported to them were also
reported to the police.  Dr. Dean Kilpatrick, who directed the study reported
that this low percentage is because victims are concerned about people inside
or outside of their families learning of their experience, or of the media
releasing their names.  

Dr.  Kilpatrick also stated that the media strongly affects how often rape and
sexual abuse in general are reported.  Rape reporting fell off sharply after
the aquittal verdict in the William Kennedy-Smith trial.  However, the
conviction in the Mike Tyson case had the reverse effect.  Said Dr. Kilpatrick,
"If there had not been a conviction in the Tyson case, there would probably be
very few victims willing to come forward afterwards,"

The consequences of not reporting a rapist to the authorities is high, however.
If the victim maintains silence, it makes it easier for the rapist to sexually
abuse others.  The study showed that the average rapist who is not in jail
rapes at least seven women, and that many rapists are serial rapists.  This
includes family members who rape their relatives again and again.  The study
included data which invalidates the commonly-held belief that rapists are
psychotic strangers who hide in bushes.  The study reported that 78% of
perpetrators are people the victim knew well.

The study showed that the personal consequences of rape are also high.  31% of
the women in the study also had post traumatic stress disorder, resulting in
major depression, increased likelihood of suicide attempts increased drug and
alcohol use, difficulty forming relationships, and a host of other problems.

Canadian statistics are similar.  Health and Welfare Canada and the Sexual
Assault Support Centre of Ottowa-Carleton report the following statistics from
the period 1982-1986: One in three males experience some form of sexual assault
or abuse.  75-85% of child sexual molestations involve a relative.  One of
every two females are victims of sexual assault or abuse. 70-80% of incest
cases are between father and daughter (although there is supicion that this
number is too high, because of the homosexuality stigma associated with
father-son or mother-daughter abuse).

6.4)   Medications (common ones, listed with side effects, etc.)
     (by Lydia Uribe)

The following is a listing of medications sometimes prescribed for
survivors.  The listing is by no means complete.  Many of these
medications have uses in addition to those listed, and I have included
only the most common and/or most important side effects.

This posting is intended for general informational purposes only.
Proper selection of medication must be done by the physician and the
patient, taking into account the needs of each individual patient.  If
you have specific questions about your medication, consult your
physician or pharmacist.

If you are taking a medication which is not on this listing and you
would like to see it added, email me at uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu with
the name of the medication and what you are taking it for, and I'll try
to include it in future versions.

(Reference:  _Facts and Comparisons_, J.B. Lippincott Co., St. Louis,
Missouri)


ANTI-ANXIETY AGENTS:

Class:  benzodiazepines
Usage:  management of anxiety disorders; short-term relief of anxiety
        symptoms
Side effects:  drowsiness (usually transient); dizziness; blurred
        vision
Precautions:  avoid alcohol and other depressants; patients on long-term
        or high-dose therapy may experience withdrawal symptoms with
        abrupt stoppage of medication - do not stop medication or change
        dosage without consulting physician; notify physician if you are
        pregnant, planning to become pregnant or are breast-feeding

        Generic Name:  oxazepam
        Brand Name:  Serax
        Additional Usage:  relief of anxiety associated with depression

        Generic Name:  prazepam
        Brand Name:  Centrax

        Generic Name:  lorazepam
        Brand Name:  Ativan
        Additional Usage:  relief of anxiety associated with depression;
                chronic insomnia

        Generic Name:  alprazolam
        Brand Name:  Xanax
        Additional Usage:  relief of anxiety associated with depression;
                agoraphobia; panic attacks

        Generic Name:  chlordiazepoxide
        Brand Name:  Librium; Libritabs
        Additional Usage:  management of acute alcohol withdrawal
        Additional Precautions:  do not take with antacids

        Generic Name:  diazepam
        Brand Name:  Valium; Valrelease
        Additional Usage:  panic attacks; symptomatic relief of acute
                alcohol withdrawal
        Additional Precautions:  do not take with antacids

        Generic Name:  halazepam
        Brand Name:  Paxipam

        Generic Name:  chlorazepate
        Brand Name:  Tranxene; Tranxene SD
        Additional Usage:  symptomatic relief of acute alcohol
                withdrawal


Class:  miscellaneous agents
Usage:  short-term relief of anxiety symptoms

        Generic Name:  buspirone
        Brand Name:  Buspar
        Additional usage:  management of anxiety disorders
        Side effects:  dizziness; nausea; headache; nervousness;
                lightheadedness; excitement; may occasionally cause
                drowsiness
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol; notify physician if you are
                pregnant, plan to become pregnant or are breast-feeding
        Other:  some improvement of symptoms seen in 7 to 10 days;
                optimal results usually seen after 3 to 4 weeks

        Generic Name:  hydroxyzine
        Brand Name:  Atarax; Vistaril
        Side effects:  dry mouth; drowsiness (usually transient)
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol; do not use if pregnant or
                breast-feeding

        Generic Name:  meprobamate
        Brand Name:  Miltown, Equanil
        Additional Usage:  short-term sleeping aid
        Side effects:  drowsiness, dizziness; blurred vision
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol and other depressants; possibly
                physically/psychologically addictive with long-term use


ANTIDEPRESSANTS:

Class:  tricyclic antidepressants
Usage:  management of depression
Side effects:  drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, blurred vision (all
        decrease with continued usage)
Precautions:  avoid alcohol; notify physician if you are pregnant,
        planning to become pregnant or are breast-feeding; stop taking
        medication and get *emergency* medical help if any of the
        following occur:  seizures, difficult or rapid breathing, fever
        with increased sweating, high or low blood pressure, loss of
        bladder control, severe muscle stiffness, unusual tiredness or
        weakness
Other:  before using medication, notify physician of any other medical
        conditions you may have, any other medications you are taking
        and if you have had any allergic or unusual reaction to any
        tricyclic antidepressant

        Generic Name:  amitriptyline
        Brand Name:  Elavil; Endep
        Additional Usage:  eating disorders (bulimia)
        Other:  may see sedative effect before antidepressant effect is
                noted; full effectiveness may take up to 30 days to
                occur

        Generic Name:  nortriptyline
        Brand Name:  Aventyl; Pamelor
        Additional Usage:  panic disorder; premenstrual depression
        Other:  not recommended for use in children

        Generic Name:  imipramine
        Brand Name:  Janimine; Tofranil; Tofranil-PM
        Additional Usage:  panic disorder; eating disorders (bulimia);
                bedwetting in children over 6

        Generic Name:  doxepin
        Brand Name:  Adapin; Sinequan
        Additional Usage:  anxiety
        Other:  relief of anxiety occurs rapidly; optimal antidepressant
                activity may take 2 to 3 weeks to occur

        Generic Name:  trimipramine
        Brand Name:  Surmontil

        Generic Name:  amoxapine
        Brand Name:  Asendin
        Other:  not recommended for patients under 16

        Generic Name:  desipramine
        Brand Name:  Norpramin; Pertofrane
        Additional Usage:  panic disorder; eating disorders (bulimia)

        Generic Name:  protriptyline
        Brand Name:  Vivactil

        Generic Name:  clomipramine
        Brand Name:  Anafranil
        Usage:  treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder
        Additional side effect:  high incidence of sexual dysfuntion in males
        Additional usage:  depression associated with obsessive-compulsive
	                   disorder 

        Generic Name:  maprotiline
        Brand Name:  Ludiomil
        Additional Usage:  management of anxiety associated with
                depression
        Other:  not recommended in patients under 18


Class:  other antidepressants

        Generic Name:  trazodone
        Brand Name:  Desyrel
        Usage:  management of depression; panic disorder; agoraphobia
                with panic attacks
        Side effects:  drowsiness; dizziness; blurred vision; dry mouth;
                nausea; vomiting; irregular heartbeat; shortness of
                breath
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol and other depressants; take with
                food; notify physician if dizziness, lightheadedness,
                fainting or blood in the urine occurs; male patients
                should stop medication and notify physician if
                prolonged, inappropriate and/or painful erections occur

        Generic Name:  fluoxetine
        Brand Name:  Prozac
        Usage:  management of depression; may be used in bulimia and
                obsessive-compulsive disorders
        Side effects:  headache; nervousness; insomnia; drowsiness;
                anxiety; tremor; dizziness; fatigue; nausea; diarrhea;
                dry mouth; loss of appetite
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol and other depressants; notify
                physician if you are pregnant, planning to become
                pregnant or are breast-feeding; notify physician if rash
                or hives occur
        Other:  improvement may take several days to a few weeks to
                occur

        Generic Name:  bupropion
        Brand Name:  Wellbutrin
        Usage:  management of depression
        Side effects:  agitation; dry mouth; insomnia; headache; nausea;
                vomiting; constipation; tremor; seizures
        Precautions:  avoid alcohol; take medication in 3 or 4
                equally-divided doses daily to minimize risk of
                seizures; use caution when driving or operating
                hazardous machinery until you are certain that the drug
                does not impair your ability to do so


Class:  monoamine oxidase (MAO) inhibitors
Usage:  management of depression that is unresponsive to other
        medications; bulimia; panic disorder with agoraphobia
Side effects:  drowsiness; blurred vision; dizziness, weakness or
        fainting when standing up from a sitting or horizontal position;
        nausea; diarrhea; constipation; abdominal pain; hypertensive
        crisis (sudden life-threatening rise in blood pressure -- see
        Precautions)
Precautions:  avoid foods containing tyramine (aged/fermented cheeses,
        aged/fermented meat or fish, undistilled alcoholic beverages,
        some fruits and vegetables - consult your physician or
        pharmacist for a complete listing), caffeine and tryptophan
        during treatment and for 2 weeks following discontinuation --
        may trigger hypertensive crisis; do not discontinue or adjust
        dosage of medication without consulting physician; consult
        physician before taking any other non-prescription or
        prescription medication; notify physician if severe headache,
        skin rash, darkening of urine, pale stools, jaundice (yellowing
        of the skin) or other unusual symptoms occur; avoid alcohol;
        several weeks may be necessary before improvement is noted

        Generic Name:  isocarboxazid
        Brand Name:  Marplan

        Generic Name:  phenelzine
        Brand Name:  Nardil

        Generic Name:  tranylcypromine
        Brand Name:  Parnate


HYPNOTICS (SLEEPING MEDICATIONS)

Class:  benzodiazepines
Usage:  insomnia (difficulty falling asleep, frequent awakening, or
        early-morning awakening)
Side effects:  dizziness; drowsiness (the following morning); blurred
        vision
Precautions:  avoid alcohol and other depressants; do not exceed
        prescribed dosage; do not stop medication suddenly after
        long-term usage; may notice disturbed sleep for 1 or 2 nights
        after stopping medication; notify physician if you are pregnant,
        planning to become pregnant or are breast-feeding

        Generic Name:  estazolam
        Brand Name:  ProSom
        Additional side effects:  somnolence (sleepiness), weakness,
                hangover

        Generic Name:  flurazepam
        Brand Name:  Dalmane

        Generic Name:  temazepam
        Brand Name:  Restoril

        Generic Name:  triazolam
        Brand Name:  Halcion

        Generic Name:  quazepam
        Brand Name:  Doral


Class:  other hypnotics

        Generic Name:  chloral hydrate
        Brand Name:  Noctec
        Usage:  short-term (less than 2 weeks) management of insomnia
        Side effects:  gastrointestinal upset; drowsiness
        Precautions:  take medication with a full glass of water or
                fruit juice to avoid gastrointestinal upset; avoid
                alcohol and other depressants; may be habit-forming; do
                not stop medication suddenly

        Generic Name:  phenobarbital
        Brand Name:  Luminal
        Usage:  short-term (less than 2 weeks) management of insomnia
        Side effects:  somnolence (sleepiness); hangover
        Precautions:  do not increase dosage without consulting
                physician; use caution when driving or operating
                hazardous machinery until you are certain that the drug
                does not impair your ability to do so; avoid alcohol and
                other depressants; may be habit-forming; notify
                physician if any of the following occur:  fever, sore
                throat, mouth sores, easy bruising or bleeding,
                nosebleeds

6.5) Common Symptoms.  ( by Jason Black )

[bad self image, anorexia/bulemia and other eating problems, self-abuse,
co-dependancy, obsessive behaviors, nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, etc.
suicide, sexual dysfunction. memory loss, dissociation]

There are a number of common symptoms that people who have been sexually abused
tend to have.  If you don't know whether or not you were abused, this list may
help.  Please be aware that having some or all of the things on this list apply
to you doesn't mean 100% that you were abused.  This is a guideline.  If you
remain unsure, you should probably talk with a therapist who is sensitive to
abuse issues.

Bad self image.  Abuse victims frequently had the blame for the abuse laid at
their feet.  Abuse can be guised as punishment, which leads the child to
conclude that they are bad so they must have deserved it.  Sexual abuse can
also give people the impression that all they are good for is sex, which can
ruin their self-esteem.

Anorexia, Bulemia, and other eating problems.  Bad self image can lead people
(especially women and adolescent girls) to have all sorts of eating problems.
Bad self image plus society's insistance on "skinny is beautiful" can lead to
anorexia.  Other people come to the conclusion that "if I were unattractive I
wouldn't get abused," which can lead to being overweight.  Sometimes people get
caught in the middle with bulemia.  They binge on food to make themselves
unattractive, and then social pressure makes them feel guilty for trying to not
fit the mold so they purge afterwards.

Self abuse.  There is a whole section in this FAQ list devoted to self-
inflicted abuse.  You should probably read it if this is something you do.

Co-dependancy.  This is when one member of a relationship is dependant on
something (drugs, alcohol, anger, sex, whatever) and the other member tries to
be loving and supportive but just ends up making it easier for the dependant
person to be dependant.  The co-dependant person ends up getting the short end
of the stick all the time, spending their energy being supportive.  In the end,
neither person is happy.  Abuse survivors often fall into co-dependant roles in
relationships later in life, because their upbringing was in

Obsessive behaviors.  Some abuse victims take refuge against their lack of
control over what happens to their bodies by becoming obsessive about some
other aspect of their life.  Some people become obsessive organizers,
work-aholics, etc.  Some turn to drugs or alcohol as a way of controling their
moods and emotions.

Nightmares.  Nightmares are frequently associated with sexual abuse.  They're
not always dreams about abuse, but an abnormally large number of nightmares can
be significant.  Certainly if they get in the way of getting enough sleep, then
you have cause to be suspicious.  Many people who haven't had nightmares in the
past will begin having them when they start the recovery process.  This is
normal and doesn't mean you're going insane or anything.  In fact, paying
attention to your nightmares can give you clues as to which directions you need
to take your healing.

Flashbacks.  This is one of the nastiest symptoms there are.  Flashbacks can
come in response to a situation that is similar to when you were abused.
at the extreme, during a flashback you re-live the abuse situation in full
color stereo surround sound.  The whole bit.  These can be extremely scary.
People in the real world can take on the roles in your memories.  A flashback
is in some sense the ultimate nightmare.

Body memories.  These can be described as flashbacks limited to a single sense.
Some examples that have been posted on the asar include feeling like someone
behind you is pushing you down.  While driving, feeling like there's semen in
your hair, so much so that you have to stop the car.  Or your lover's touch
feeling like that of your abuser.  Body memories can give you clues as to
what's happened to you if you are lacking specific memories of your abuse.

Depression.  Abuse victims often suffer through nearly unbearable bouts of
depression, the cause of which is frequently unknown if the person has not yet
begun recovery.  Mood swings are also common, but more bearable if the person
is aware of the cause and is working to heal.

Suicide attempts.  Sometimes the depression, guilt, and/or shame gets to be too
much.  Data collected on abuse survivors shows a marked increase in suicide
attempts.

Drug use/abuse.  Understandably, when life is difficult, some people choose to
escape via drugs and alcohol use.  This relates back to some of the self-image
and control problems mentioned above.

Sexual dysfunction.  For fairly self evident reasons, sexual abuse victims
often have trouble forming healthy adult sexual relationships.  An irrational
fear of sex is common.  Forming relationships based on sex is common too,
because as children, the idea "you're only good for sex" was impressed upon
them.

Memory loss.  People who were abused once or twice may have shut out those
particular memories, but otherwise know what's happened in their lives.  People
who were chronically abused are often missing months or years from their
memories.  

Disassociation.  Often described as "losing time", dissociation is when your
conscious mind stops controling your body, and some other part takes over.
Behaviors vary during dissociative episodes.  Some people become catatonic,
others walk and talk in an apparently normal fashion, yet others act quite
differently from their normal.  When the event is over, the person typically
doesn't remember what happened during it, and often doesn't remember some
amount of time (usually a few months, sometimes much longer) before the event.
Their mental state is reset to some earlier time in their life.  The person
will come out of the event believing that it is a different season, or that
they're in a different place, etc.  Almost always the memories come back, over
a period of hours or maybe a couple of days.

Multiple Personalies.  It is also the case that abuse survivors can split into
multiple personalities in order to deal with the abuse.  The worse the abuse,
the more likely someone is to have develiped multiple personalities.  Different
personas will split off to handle the memories, the anger, and various other
facets of the abuse situation.  Alters, as they're known, can be all different
ages, different sexes, etc.  Being a multiple doesn't mean that you are crazy,
it is just the means you ended up using to survive extremely stressful
situations.

6.6) How can I tell if I have multiple personalities? (Dennis R. Conley)

This is by no means an absolute guide, but here are some of the signs commonly
used in diagnosing MPD: 

- three or more (incorrect) past diagnoses (often schitzophrenia)
- failure of previous treatments
- rapidly changing symptoms
     severe anxiety attacks
     dizziness, trembling
     nausea, fear of choking or dying
     depressions, mood swings, suicidal feelings or actions
     visual or auditory hallucinations
     feeling dazed, disoriented, in a trance
     racing thoughts, speaking words you did not think of
- severe headaches
- time lapses (e.g. waking up somewhere strange and not knowing how you got
     there)
- finding clothes, objects or writing that you don't recognize
- hearing voices (very common, "inside" or "outside" voices)
- the appearance of alters, as witnessed by others, either spontaneously
     or via hypnosis

Researchers seem to be leaning toward thinking of MPD as the extreme on a
continuum of "dissociation ability".  One researcher puts borderline disorder
on this continuum, and at the "mild" end puts daydreaming.

Remember, everyone is different, and having some or none of the symptoms on
this list does not mean that you do or do not conclusively have MPD.  If you
think you may, the best thing to do would be to discuss the matter with a
trained psychologist who has experience in this area.

6.7) Comments on rescue missions (by Darella C. Pierson)

Once in a very blue moon, someone will happen upon the net who is still
being sexually abused.  Your impulse might be to rescue that person from
their abuser.  This isn't generally a good idea.  The person may well not be
ready to leave yet, and there may be a whole host of legal ramifications if you
try to get the person to leave.

The chances are good that the person you want to rescue isn't ready to leave
yet, and the legality of such action is suspect at best, especially if the
person isn't of legally adult age.  Laws vary from state to state, so if you
are convinced that attempting a rescue is something you must do, you should
research this a little beforehand.  If what you do happens to be illegal, you
should be aware that you're asking for a whole mess of trouble when the
authorities inevitably find out about it.  If you try to help a child run away
from home, you can (and likely will) be arrested for kidnapping.  This is a
felony.

In general, if the abusee is under the age of sixteen (not inclusive), if you
know of abuse in the family, the general rule is that you report it to Child
Protective Services (Social Services) and they will promptly begin an
investigation.  If it's just the one parent being abusive, s/he will be removed
from the home.  If it's both parents being abusive, the children can be placed
in the foster care system.  Now then, if you have the means to take in the
child, you can apply to the authorities to be a foster parent, and you too will
be checked out.  The older the kid, the more likely you'll probably be to get
him or her.  This is the proper way to help someone out of an abusive
situation.  Everything is legal, proper, and above the table -- no room for
sneaking about and engaging in activities which could be seen in a very bad
light whatever their motivations happen to be.

If the person is legally an adult (or nearly so, anyway) things get fuzzy.
Often the rules for what Child Protective Services can do change.  Again,
research the laws and regulations in your area to see what you can do.  Be
prepared to do nothing other than offer emotional support, hard as that may be.
Rushing in to take charge of someone else's life is not likely to help them in
the long run.

If you see someone on ASAR who is still being abused, here's what they
need to know:

They're not alone.  It happened to others, too.  It is possible to get out.  It
is possible to get better.  What they DON'T need is to have a plane ticket
secretly waiting at the airport.

Running away isn't a good idea.  If the laws of the state allow for prosecution
on the basis of the child's story, then encourage that child to come forward.
If you live in their area (please don't come in from too far away---it'll look
strange), offer to go with them to Child Protection or Social Services, or even
the police.  Be emotional support, but don't play Calgon.  Don't take them
away.  Remember, only they know what's best for themselves.

If you take them, you are setting yourself up for some serious criminal charges
depending on the circumstances.  Where did that sixteen-year-old girl come
from?

And if it should happen that there's nothing concrete, then help the child find
therapy at least, but don't do anything extreme.  What the child needs from you
is emotional support.

If the parents end up being charged, then something good will come out of it.
But it's more than likely that all you'll end up with is a bad name and a child
who found out the hard way that they were not going to be believed.  PARENTS
DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL!  They will likely do or say anything to prevent this
from happening, so be prepared.

What I am describing here is a situation where the abuse is not life
threatening.  If the child is a victim of incest, or is being beaten, or stands
a good chance of being hurt badly now or in the near future, go directly to the
child's local authorities.  Ideally, the child should come forward on their
own.  But this isn't always possible.  We all need food, water, shelter, and
clothing.

Teenagers, get help. Get counseling. But don't run away.  Adult ASARians, don't
play God.  It will be more traumatic for the children than you know.

7.   Things some people find helpful.
7.1) Child Within (Inner Child) stuff.  (by Robert Ankeney, Matt Fields & 
     Lisa Nofzinger) 

     The term "Inner Child" is difficult to describe as it has been used rather
broadly and generally.  Some see the inner child as simply a metaphor, others
as a real thing.  For some, it's a little of both.  Under hypnosis, and
sometimes when dissociating, people can regress to an early age where they
function as a child.  In one instance the person can regress to the time of the
abuse, where they ended up rather developmentally stuck.  The abuse was so
difficult to deal with, to reconcile with their view of the world, that they
split their memories of the abuse off.  Not only were the memories split off,
but a lot of what that child was had also been split off.  Lost are the
childlike ways of viewing the world, the awe and spontaneity.  Some people
believe that the origin of the inner child comes from abuse; that we have inner
children who are the same age we were when we were abused.  Others believe that
inner children exist for every age we've ever been.

     One's set of belief systems can be viewed as something like a pyramid,
built on the foundation stones of their earliest beliefs.  These core beliefs
are developed during childhood, using a child's primitive way of viewing the
world.  As an abused child, their view of reality is severly distorted.  They
often come to see themselves as being bad, as having something inherently wrong
with them that brought about the abuse they received.  They may even feel they
deserved the abuse.  How else can a child, so completely dependent on others,
comprehend it?  Thus trust is often an important issue.

     Many of the foundations stones of their belief systems are based on lies,
and are built of pretty poor material.  From then on, each succesive belief the
child develops is built on those foundation stones.  Their reality is filtered
through these stones, so what they perceive is pretty distorted.  Going back
and discovering the lies, rebuilding those belief systems requires going back
to the foundation stones.  To best do this, they need to access that inner
child, the one who created the stones.  If the person as a young child can
perceive the truth, they can rebuild their foundation.  A lot of that
foundation is based on what they believed about themselves, which in turn
developed their self-esteem.  Imagine what happens to someone's self-esteem,
believing they deserved the abuse?

     A lot of gaining access to one's inner child is in building a trusting
relationship with that child.  For some, it was like splitting off a hurt
child, abandoning the child and ignoring the needs and the pain so that they
could survive.  And in part they blame that child for causing the pain.  So to
that "child" part, the "adult" part became an abuser.  The "child" doesn't
trust the "adult" because the "adult" refused to give the "child" voice.  So
reclaiming the child, accepting the child as a part of the adult, rebuilding
that trust can be difficult.  Going back and listening, giving voice to that
pain, accepting the pain as one's own pain, not "the child's" pain, undoing
that split is much of what healing is all about.  With trust, the lost trust
can be slowly regained and that "inner child" can begin to be integrated.  If
you are having trouble connecting with a possible inner child, it can help to
have a picture of yourself at a young age and visualize that child at a
familiar place.  Sometimes mementos from childhood, like pictures you drew or
souvenirs from a vacation, can also help.

     One possible problem about talking about the "inner child" and the "adult"
is that this is like looking at two different people, not just one.  It is
difficult to own the abuse and the pain.  There is shame involved, which can be
a very touchy issue.  Who wants to own having been sexually abused?  It's often
easier to pretend it never happened, or to lay the blame elsewhere, like on
that "inner child".  That's a trap that can keep one from owning *their* abuse.
There's a lot to own and a lot to reclaim.

     But envisioning that hurt child can prove very useful.  Is that child
real?  Is that child simply a metaphor?  Does it really matter?  Either way,
the concept can prove useful.  The original clinical idea of the inner child
was approximately how you remember yourself as a child---how much power,
responsibility, playfulness, etc. you assign to who you were when you were
young.  This idea at least theoretically has consequences for how you feel
about events when you were young, and how you, as an adult, respond to children
now.  If, e.g., you see yourself as having been basically a miniature adult,
you might blame yourself for things which were outside of your actual realm of
comprehension then, and theoretically, you might then expect unreasonable
levels of responsibility from your own offspring.  Part of overcoming childhood
trauma for you would then be to bring your image of yourself as a child more in
line with reality, and realize how blameless you actually were.

To complicate matters, the term used to express this concept, "inner child", is
very evokative, especially to students of mythology, archetypes, and
spirituality; by itself, undefined, it carries a lot of other possible
meanings, many of which are quite useful.  Lay literature has grabbed up this
term to mean, among other things, an externally-perceived sense of one's-self
as perpetually young (somewhat akin to the child archetype in post-Jungian
mythos); a perpetually young personality among the fragmented minds of persons
with multple personalities; and a variety of things along and near a spectrum
between these latter two ideas.

Context is needed to decide exactly what a person means when they use the term.
By searching for that inner child portion, by hearing and communicating, by
filling the needs that were never met, by reparenting that child, one can go a
long way toward healing the abuse.

7.2)  Ways of comforting self  (by Lisa Nofzinger)

Here are some suggestions about comforting yourself when you're hurting or
memories come up:

  Sit in a safe place with a stuffed animal or blanket or Koosh ball or
another object which comforts you.

  Call or meet with a safe person and talk.

  Write about your feelings.

  Take a walk.

  Take naps.

  Drink a soothing beverage like hot cocoa or milk.

  Speak gently to yourself.

  Take a long soothing bath.

  Read meditation books aloud or silently.  Reaffirm that you are OK, that
you will survive, that it's healing to feel feelings, that you're safe and the
abuser will not hurt you again.

  Exercise to relieve stress and express anger or grief.

  Listen to soft, soothing music.

  Post on the net.

  Pray or meditate or get in touch with a Higher Power.  Feel the love and
support and comfort which is available from a power stronger than yourself.  

7.3)  When you're scared of a particular person

7.4)  Ways of bringing things up in ASAR (eg asking for gentle responses)

7.5)  Ways of empowering yourself  (by Judith Reed)
 We as incest and abuse survivors were taught that we were powerless. Now,
 we must find ways to take back our power, to conquer our fears, and to live
 the strong, powerful lives we deserve. The following ideas were submitted
 by asar posters as ways to gain power over various aspects of our life. They
 are offered in the spirit they were given - if it helps you, use it, if not,
 let it go.

 * Personal myth - In order to deal with night terrors, create a tale of
   the monster that haunts you, where it lives, the spells you put on it
   to keep it in check, how you do battle with it, not killing it but weakening
   it!
   Or, adopt a MAGIC DRAGON who lives in your bedroom and is very loving
   and gentle, but also very brave and powerful, and watches over you.
   Or, picture a 7 foot sexless giant guardian.  This guardian is there
   to protect you and ONLY you from any "dangers" in the night.
   It won't hurt you, only protect you.
   These techniques could also be adapted to deal with body memories,
   flashbacks, other things that make you afraid and come from inside.

 * Children's books, stuffed animals - It is very comforting to have a soft
   "lovey" to hug when you are scared or sad. Also, books like "Where the
   Wild Things Are", by Maurice Sendak, that address night fears for children
   can make good bedtime reading. Another asar person says:
   "I have found the "Carl" series to be good (it is several stories about a
   rottwieler named Carl, who baby-sits a little baby (Carl's Day in the Park,
   Carl's Christmas, Good Dog Carl, etc....I think Alexandra Day wrote them),
   also the stories are a about trust and safety (there is no text, just
   wonderful pictures). and of COURSE there are bears, and green dinosaurs named
   Naomi..."

 * Maintaining your personal space - ELBOWS can be placed out to subtlely bloc
   people from getting too close. If they still don't get the hint, don't be
   afraid to _USE_ them, a quick "accidental" jab can get the message across
   that the person is TOO CLOSE - BACK OFF!!!!!!!!!!

 * Night terrors - Teach yourself to wake up and rewrite the script -
   "If you wake up and can remember the scenerio of your dream, then lay back
   down, and make up a new ending to your dream. For example. I had a dream
   one time where I was in the middle of this field and there were a group of
   men killing another group of men one by one. As the slaughter continued,
   something woke me up right in the middle. So I would have this dream
   for many nights in a row ALWAYS waking up. I learned that I could make up
   a new ending to this dream by recreatining the dream in my head
   RIGHT after waking up (when it is still fresh in my head!) SO I envisioned
   being back in this field, watching this slaughter and saying to myself,
   I'm not comfortable with what is going on here, so I will change this dream.
   And I went on to envision that I had a gun and I shot it up in the air
   getting the intention of the killers and started screaming at them to go
   away and leave the people alone. Then I walked into town and told
   the police and they came out and took care of the people.
   What happened, I found is that when I *practiced* this, I noticed that
   during dreams, in the dreams when things started getting bad, I dreamt
   that I would say something like "I don't like what is going on here" and
   the dream would end. What a wierd experience to be able to KEEP bad dreams
   from happening."

 * Change your speech patterns -  "Take responsibilty for those things in
   your life over which you have power. One simple exercise to help work
   towards this is to be conscious of your speech patterns;  English often
   sabotages our self-empowerment.
       ** 	Replace "I have to" with "I choose to".     **
   It's a simple exercise that makes us consciously hear ourselves describing
   the choices we're making, and perhaps weren't aware of under the old
   patterns. See how it sounds; if it doesn't sound too great, then perhaps
   it will cue you to make a different choice.

   "She/He made me mad" is another speech pattern that abdicates responsibility
   for our own feelings, and gives the empowerment to somebody else.
   "I chose to get mad at her/him" is a self-empowering substitute.

   I believe that victims say "I have to", and people who are on their way
   to becoming empowered say "I choose to" or "I choose not to."    The very
   good news is that you do have lots and lots of choices about things.  The
   bad news is that with choice comes the responsibility for living with the
   choice.   "I have to live at home" simultaneously robs you of choice but
   also makes the abuse you're getting there not your fault.   "I choose to
   live at home" gives you the power NOT to live at home -- pretty neat,
   yes? -- but also makes it clear that if you do, you have to take a share
   of the responsibility for getting dumped on, and if you don't, you have to
   take responsiblity for changing the situation.  "


 * A Bill Of Assertive Rights -
   "I recently completed a stress-management clinic, and one of the things
   that was discussed at length was the necessity of being more assertive:
   when you quit being a doormat, life tends to become a little less
   stressful.  One of the handouts we were given was the following, which I
   pass along to you all in the hope that somebody might find it helpful.


   1.  You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions
       and to take the responsibility for their initiations and
       consequences upon yourself.
   2.  You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying
       your behavior.
   3.  You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding
       solutions to other people's problems.
   4.  You have the right to change your mind.
   5.  You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
   6.  You have the right to say "I don't know".
   7.  You have the right to be independent of the good will of others
       before coping with them.
   8.  You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
   9.  You have the right to say "I don't understand".
  10. You have the right to say "I don't care".
  11. You have the right to say "NO", without feeling guilty."

 * Scripture memory - "Well, this may not be what you are looking for, but.
   I use scripture memory.  I conciously and I believe supernaturally (i.e.
   empowered by God) try to block old thought progressions and replace them
   with new ones. I.E.  Isaiah 41:10 says "...I will strengthen you, I will
   help you, I will uphold you...". "

 * Relive the event in your mind - << SPOILER - STRONG STUFF, USE WITH CARE >>
   "Painful feelings are real. But these feelings are reactions to events long
   dead, events that have not received a proper burial. We all know
   that pretending they didn't occur is not a proper burial. So what is? These
   feelings seem to be running around in endless loops, making your life
   miserable. How do you drive a stake through their heart and put them to rest
   for good?

   I've said this before, but I'll try it again. This is what works for painful
   memories of my own. Imagine the scene in full detail. Go for total recall.
   This is a movie, about you, and you don't want to miss a thing. You'll feel
   pain, but ignore it. This pain is triggered by a memory, not by an event
   which can damage you. The damage has already been done, and now you need to
   re-experience the pain to undo the damage. Turn each scene over in your mind.
   Step through the movie frame by frame if necessary. Most importantly,
   understand what happened. Look at each event from every side, until you
   know what happened, and why. You probably will never be able to fully
   understand the mind of a perp, so at some point you may just say that the
   perp is a crazy son of a bitch, but don't worry about that. You need to know
   how these events have impacted you, how you have reacted, and then accept
   that knowledge. You may feel more unpleasant emotions as a result - asking
   why you didn't do this, or do that, shame, rage - don't beat yourself up.
   You've had other people do that to you, don't do it yourself. The point of
   this exercise is not to gratuitously wallow in pain, but to reclaim your
   past - to take control, to assume responsibility. You are responsible for
   your actions, and your actions alone. Your perp is responsible for his/hers.
   Your past belongs to you - claim it, understand it. I find that reliving
   a memory drains it of power. After stepping through it and accepting the
   feelings that come with it, the memory will have lost it's charge, it will
   no longer carry an autonomous emotional energy. Everyday events will no
   longer tap into this reservoir of feeling running around the circuits of
   your mind. Like I say, it works for me."

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery