From: "Arthur Khue Ho" <khue@vnet.ibm.com>
Subject:       [HUMOR] - Political Satire of our VP
Originator: daemon@media-lab.media.mit.edu
Reply-To: khue@vnet.ibm.com
Organization: N/A
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 19:05:22 GMT

FYE...

 ============================================================================
 Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense
 cannot beat a better offense.'  In other words a good offense wins.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
                    offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
                    with the defensive system of NATO

 Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
 prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
 to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
 defensive capability.  I believe that is the route this country
 will eventually go.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
 Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
 we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
 oxygen, that means we can breathe.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN
 the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that
 is right here.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
 		   Hawaii, September 1989

 What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind.  Or not to have a mind
 at all.  How true that is.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
                    speaking to the United Negro College Fund

 You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy
 campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
 will always be.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
                    whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"

 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
 in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
 live in this century."
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle
                    (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988, p.102)

 We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
 of human rights.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
 to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
 single voice.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
 democracy - but that could change.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
 and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
 		   Forum, March 1990

 It's rural America.  It's where I came from.  We always refer to ourselves
 as real America.  Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Target prices?  How that works?  I know quite a bit about farm policy.
 I come from Indiana, which is a farm state.  Deficiency payments -
 which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
 We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
 very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
 making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
                    define the term "target prices."
                    Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
                    conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.

 I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past
 what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
 The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
 have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
 without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.

 Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
 the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
 two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
 Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
 Unbelievable.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle
                    Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.

 May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
                 -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
                    [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

 Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
                    the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
                    the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
                    [this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
                       but it's still funny]

 getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
                    work dealing with cruise missiles

 I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
 have had a difficult time.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
                    an Ohio steel plant,1988

 [I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
 Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentsen debate

 Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
 I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
 situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
 conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
 that answer your question?
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
                    would do if he assumed the Presidency (1988)

 Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
 my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
 handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports
                    his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.

 I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
 country.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how,
 what a challange it is, because in 1988 the question is
 whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're
 going to go past to the -- to the back!
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I have made good judgements in the Past.
 I have made good judgements in the Future.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 The future will be better tomorrow.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I have a very strong record on the Environment in the United States Senate.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
 family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

 We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
 happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988

 We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
 world.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
 United States!
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 ============================================================================
 Quayle Quotes - brought to you by  Michael Goldsman (goldsman@cc.gatech.edu)
 ============================================================================

 	Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
 the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
 definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
 mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
 family, but that is a family and family values.
 	I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
 family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
 a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
 believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
 our platform, is to talk about it.
 	I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
 want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
 family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
 children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
 have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
 civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
 And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
 Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
 means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
 that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 ...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step...
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle confusing the sexual
                    assaulter/congressman with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin.

 Okay, I won't open it until then
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle after having been
                    presented with an empty box that was to contain
                    a gift from a sailing team in South America.
                    He was told that the gift was not ready yet,
                    but that it would be presented to him when they
                    arrived in the United States.

 During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs
 using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides
 handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him
 to move briskly and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.

 Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors
 may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order
 to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine.

 People that are really very wierd can get into sensative positions
 and have a tremendous impact on history.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was.
 He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective
 we've had in a couple of hundred years.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I would like to express my sympathy to all those impacted by this disaster.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle standing in front
                    of the collapsed section of highway caused by the
                    Loma Preta quake. (CNN)

 The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
                    after the San Francisco earthquake

 I couldn't help but be impressed by the magnitude of the earthquake.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, stepping out of
                    the helicopter upon arrival at Alameda Naval Air
                    Station.


 Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn
 and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types
 of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that
 would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa
 Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in
 George Bush.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a garden center and
                    produce store in Baltimore (from the Los Angeles Times,
                    Douglas Jehl, November 6, 1988)



 It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing,
 so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
                    remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince
                    William Sound, May, 1989

 The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him
 when I arrive.

                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle
                    remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince
                    William Sound, May, 1989

 It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the
 impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle


 We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
 have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me.
                 -- Marilyn Quayle


 I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of
 interest.
 		--Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South
                   African Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an erection.

 When you make as many speeches and you talk as much as I do and you get away
 from the text, it's always a possibility to get a few words tangled here and
 there
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
                    (LA Herald Examiner 10/3/88)

 Public Speaking is very easy.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

 I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek 4/9/90)

 I've never professed to be anything but an average student.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the
                    VP debate in Omaha, Nebraska (10/88)

 The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I
 want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you,
 in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you
 like a puppy?
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)

 In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois
                   (LA Times 10/19/88)

 I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting
 season begins at noon.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc.
                   (LA Times  10/16/88)

 The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say the
                   SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending
                   (Newsweek 10/30/89)

 I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very
 close, personal,loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted
 plant in these meetings.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle defending himself
                   (Tampa Tribune-Times  1/7/90)

 When I talked to him on the phone yetserday. I called him George rather than
 Mr. Vice President. But, in public, it's Mr. Vice President, because that is
 who he is.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle shortly after being named
                   Geo. Bush's running mate (8/28/88 the NY Times).

 I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect
 opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporter's
                    questions about his use of Air force 2 to
                    go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour

 I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will,
 never, never surrender to what is right

                 -- Vice President  Dan Quayle, in a speech
                    to the Christian Coalition

 Maybe you guys will get lucky this year and face the Orioles in the
 World Series
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle encouraging the Milwaukee
                    Brewers after throwing out the opening pitch of the
                    season.  (5/3/92 Sunday Detroit News)

 Are they taking DDT?

                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan
                    AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice.
                    (NY Post, early May 92)

 We are leaders of the world of the space program.
 We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program
 and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding
 the Soviet Union's demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now
 have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union.
 Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore.
 Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications
 from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missle attacks. Ballistic
 missles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missles. How do
 you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missles and things like
 that?  Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We
 use space a lot today.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 ============================================================================
 Quayle Quotes - brought to you by  Michael Goldsman (goldsman@cc.gatech.edu)
 ============================================================================

 America is great, because America is free.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they
 aren't. I don't know if its the way you say it, or how you look.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I just don't believe in the basic concept that someone should make their
 whole career in public service.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still
 in a recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth;
 people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive...
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91

 Need any help?
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing
                    announced 74,000 layoffs

 The message of David Duke, is this, basically: Big government, anti-big
 government, get out of my pocketbook, cut my taxes, put welfare people
 back to work. That's a very popular message. The problem is the messenger.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I do have a political agenda. It's to have as few regulations as possible.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousey.
 		-- Vice President Dan Quayle in a handwritten note
                    written to Sam Snead in the summer of 1991,
                    after they had played a round of golf.
                    (Herald-Times, Bloomington, IN, July 15, 1992)

 Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth
                    analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle)

 It's immoral to parent irresponsibly... And it doesn't help
 matters any when prime time tv, like "Murphy Brown", a character
 who is supposed to represent a successful career woman of today,
 mocks the importance of the father by bearing a child alone,
 and calling it just another "lifestyle choice." Marriage is
 probably the best anti-poverty program there is...
 Even though our cultural leaders in Hollywood, network TV, the
 national newspapers routinely jeer at [such values] I think most of
 us in this room know that some things are good, and other things are wrong.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the
                    Commonwealth Club of San Francisco and criticizing
                    Murphy Brown's decision to NOT have an abortion
                    and to be a single (highly successful) mother.
                    When told about Quayle's comments, a senior
                    Bush campaign official replied only "Oh, dear."
                    Bush's top aid said,  "The world is a lot more complex
                    than Dan would like to believe"

 I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional
 woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle to The Chron's Jerry Roberts.

 I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle defending his opinions about
                    the TV show "Murphy Brown" [Las Vegas RJ 21 May 92]

 The intergenerational poverty that troubles us so much today is
 predominantly a poverty of values.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
 not having it.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue.  Us men are tired
 of losing our women
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about
                    breast cancer

 I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning
 to turn around.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters
                    that the economy was doing better because a
                    Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window.
                    He was campaigning for reelection in Ontario, CA
                    in January 1992.

 You have a part-time job and that's better to no job at all
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the
                    Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time
                    minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on,
                    and that "It's hard to find people who want to actually
                    show up for the job."

 Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a cure for AIDS in the marketplace
 before Magic Johnson gets AIDS?
                 --  Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/13/91 (CNN)

 We're in Florida.
                 --  Vice President Dan Quayle explaining why he
                     had just purchased four peaches (and no citrus
                     fruits -- for which Florida is famous) at a Publix
                     supermarket in Oakland Park, Florida. Georgia (which
                     IS famous for peaches) did not gain from the transaction,
                     however; the peaches were from Chile. (The Sunstenial)

 I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an
 election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the
 fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the
 last two years, I'll be a candidate again.  Everything I do in those
 last two years will be posturing for the election.  But right now I
 don't have to do that.
                 -- Senator Dan Quayle

 I don't have to experience tragedy to understand it.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle during a photo-op
                    in LA, responding to criticisms that he didn't
                    understand what it meant to live in the "inner
                    city." (WRAL 6/23/92)

 My position is that I understand from a medical situation, immediately
 after a rape is reported, that a woman normally, in fact, can go to the
 hospital and have a D and C.  At that time...  that is before the forming
 of a life.  That is not anything to do with abortion
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle  explaining that Dilatation
                    and Curettage, a form of abortion which occurs
                    after fertilization, is not really abortion.
                    (the Washington post, 11/03/88)

 Add one little bit on the end...  Think of 'potato,' how's it spelled?
 You're right phonetically, but what else...?  There ya go...alright!
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle correcting a student's
                    correct spelling of the word "potatoe"  during
                    a spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.

 I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card.  But
 as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only
 one way to spell a word."
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, actually quoting from
                    President Andrew Jackson.

 People who Bowl Vote.
 Bowlers are not the cultural elite.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle while at a Las Vegas bowling
                    alley. the Vice-President bowled 5 times, and knocked
                    down 19 pins.  (6/25/92, San Jose Mercury News)
                    The American Bowling Congress projected his score for a
                    full game to be 76.  The Detroit average for amateur
                    players is 163 (USA Today, 7/6/92)

 It would be a serious mistake to replace a seasoned statesman with a
 tempermental tycoon who has no respect for the constitution.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving his opinion about
                    Ross Perot's presidential campaign (June 1992)

 Dan Quayle had a trip planned to Beijing, but was worried because of
 Xthe turmoil at that end. His security adviser however informed him that
 Xit was pretty safe for D.Q. as, "They are only harassing intellectuals."

 And the President put his hand on my shoulder and said: "Dan,
 I _knew_ Spiro Agnew.  He was a friend of mine.  And Dan...
 You're no Spiro Agnew!"
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 This president is going to lead us out of this recovery.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in
                    California and and then at CA State University, Fresno
                    (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)

 We have to do more than just elect a new president if we truly want to
 change this country."
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle

 We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990

 For NASA, space is still a high priority.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990

 [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the
 forces of aggression.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle,  April 1991

 I hope I never have to deal with it. But obviously I would counsel her
 and talk to her and support her on whatever decision she made.
                 -- Vice President Dan Quayle respondiing to Larry
                    King's question of how he would react if his 13-year-old
                    daughter chose to have an abortion. (CNN, July 22, 1992)
                    Marilyn Quayle later remarked that her daughter would
                    "take the child to term."
 ============================================================================