From: erikm@microsoft.com (Erik Madsen)
Subject: Answering Machine Msgs
Date: 17 Aug 92 23:18:35 GMT
Organization: Microsoft Corporation

 This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic
 thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name,
 your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
 I'll think about returning your call.

 Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes are
 busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an
 asshole return your call as soon as possible.

 I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
 brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
 shape, one of them will get back to you.

 I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
 stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you
 could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about
 myself.  Thanks.

 C'mon...you can do it...just a little one.  That's the way...just a
 little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...good boy...here we go...like
 this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

 Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
 Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we
 gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.

 Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's not
 here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
 confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
 soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
 confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

 I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
 printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills.  If you need any
 money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave
 your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.  If
 you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this
 message.

 [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
 [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

 [For Shakespeare lovers only]
 So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
 So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

 Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone right
 now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk
 briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you
 hear the following words:  orange...mother...unicorn...penis.  I'll
 get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

 [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
 Leave a message...leave a message....etc.

 Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak.
 This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

 This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
 System.  This is only a test.

 No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
 Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!  AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very
 sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your
 ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel
 helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

 As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
 reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...the
 telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click
 and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep....

 Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
 down to test:  5...4...3...2...1...

 After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the
 money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come
 out of hiding.

 Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!  Don't
 you beep!  If you beep, I'll...don't even think about
 it!....Don't....!

 I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have
 there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet you have
 answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy.  Why
 don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old
 recordings...I might even play my beep for you...

 I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to
 the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
 message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
 except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to
 it...I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so confusing.

 How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand the
 instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens if I
 touch this...YOW!!

 Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
 Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear
 a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean,
 false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...


 1.  [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
       (after about 30 seconds): "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.
       we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
       please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
       the beep.)

 2.  [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello.  you have
       reached xxx-xxxx.  we are currently unable to answer because we
       are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.  please leave a
       message..." etc.

 "Hi there! I want you to listen closely.  (sound of adorable little kitten
  mewing softly) That was a kitten.  Now, I've hooked up this sweet
 little fur ball to my answering machine, and if you hang up without
 leaving a message, about 10,000 volts and gonna zap through his
 fluffy little body.  Got it?  (BZZZAP!  MMMMEEEOOOROOWOWW!!!)  [beep]

 Butler (In British Accent): Good day...
       In Background:  (SMASH!)  (CRACK!)
 Butler: I'm sorry, Biff & Muffy are having a bit of a tiff...
       ( "MORON!" ) ( "PIG!" ) ( "SLUT!" ) (CRASH!)
 Butler: ...and can't come to the phone at the moment...
       ( "AAAAAIIIEEEEEEE!" )  (THUD!)  (CLANG!)
 Butler: ...But they'll get right back to you if you'll leave your....
       (SLAM!)  ( "PUT THE GUN DOWN!" )  ( "EEEEEEEEEEEK!" ) (SMASH!)
 Butler: ...name and number after the beep.
       ( "NOOOOO!" )   (BLAM!)   (BLAM!)  (BLAM!)
 <beeeeep>

 You have reached 123 4567,. Please hold while I process your call.
 ( Pause ) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a
 trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of
 important callers/terrorists/etc. None of our staff is
 authorized/has the courage to speak with you except for < Your name
 >, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number
 and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a
 nice day. :::BEEP:::

 #1: From Halloween this year:  (Ominous electronic background music.)
       Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an
       unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless
       you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?  SINT
       MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

 #2:   (French monologue in the background) Around the world today,
       millions still speak French as either a first or second
       language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
       out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at
       the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you,
       just say, "non".

 #3:   Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
       talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
       leave your credit card number at the tone...

 #4:   Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
       drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you
       an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and
       thank you for your pledge.

       "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
       voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
       later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
       the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and
       immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
       consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
       will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
       benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
       payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
       Thank you."  (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

 " Hello? Hello? ... Hello? I can't hear you. HELLO???? "

    I had my friend who does a damn good Walter Cronkite imitation narrate
 this message that we wrote:
      "This is Walter Cronkite.  Bren's not here right now.  He's out on
 a date.  Conceptually, the idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
 basketball theories and computer geek over dinner at Taco Bell, should
 scare the hell out of you.  Realistically, he'll probably be home soon, so
 leave your name and number and he'll call you back.  Deal with it."

 another good one to use is simply state a bunch of random facts...
 "Random fact No. 10:  The first manned mission to Jupiter will be manned by
                       the O'Jays."
 "Random fact No. 64:  Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before
                       the bums in Utah."
 "Random fact No. 36:  Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message."
 "Random fact No. 22:  Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota"  (is it?)

    I'll frequently use music when I can, beginning with some
 classical song, which leads into me being the DJ to a classical
 station talking real monotone, telling the temperature, and then
 setting up the next song saying it's one of my favorites, which ends
 up being "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zepplin.

 (To scare off anoying liberals) Hello, And thank you for calling the
 Bush in 50 campaign.  Your five dollar donation to get George Bush
 reelected in all 50 states will automaticly be charged to your phone
 bill. If you would like to leave a message....

 "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
 Center.  Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of
 incoming bogey.  TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not
 respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important."

       We have Pink Floyd on ours: ("Nobody Home" on in background)
       "You have reached xxx-xxxx.  Please leave a message."
       "Ohhhhhhhhh, babe......
        When I pick up the phone...
          There's still......nobody home."

       I have Jimmy Buffett singing on mine.  The line is from 'This
 Hotel Room' as goes:
       "I ain't home, I ain't home
       You better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

       In an oriental voice:   Hello, you have reached honorable <Last
 name> residence, I, Kato, will go and get honorable <First name>,
 (Back ground noise of GODZILLA scream) In an oriental PANIC voice:
 OH NO! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and
 <First name> will call back if house still here...    (Just the
 opening of GODZILLA movie to get BEST effect!)

        "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
 where you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm
 suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of
 being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll tell my
 deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde
 sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether
 or not I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers will get to talk to me
 live.  Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret
 at the beep. "

 "Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!  They say the
 King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere.
 So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw
 Elvis!"