From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona)
Subject: Re: Answering machine messages.
Organization: gte
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 22:34:52 GMT

In article <1992Aug26.234714.15642@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>, ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Eric Huppertz) writes:
> In article <mumble> hutto@skitzo.dseg.ti.com writes:
> 
> >of changing the outgoing message last night and my wife suggested that
> >I let my 5 year old daughter and 22 month old son do it.  
>                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> 22 months old??  Geez, I HATE people like you...!  You think anybody
> really cares whether your kid is 22 months old as opposed to two years?
> Here's an idea:  Next time someone asks you how old your kid is, say 
> "HE'S ALMOST TWO! NOT 22 OR 23 OR 23.7875 MONTHS, BUT ALMOST TWO!" 
> Say it just like that, real loud, with a crazed grin, and a baseball
> bat between your legs, and then prance around insisting to be called
> Lady Catherine Herringbone-Infrastructure.  Then nobody will ask you
> how old your kid is again!
> 
> Just wasting bandwidth,

Obviously!  But just to educate you a little, there is a reason
why people give ages in months up until the child is 2.

You see, children change much more quickly between birth and
their 2nd birthday than they do afterwards.

Birth:     A helpless blob
1 month:   Shit has been in there long enough to start smelling!
2 months:  Has learned to piss in your face every time you remove
            the diaper.
3 months:  Has learned to spit-up ( a mother term for puke) *only* after
            you have gotten dressed to go out.
4 months:  Has learned to refuse to eat until after you go to bed.
5 months:  Has learned to cry as soon as the phone rings.
6 months:  Has learned to let loose a god-awful-head-to-toe-mega-shit
            exactly 2.3 minutes after the car starts moving (unless
            your are going on a long road trip -- the the child waits 
            for exactly 43.2 minutes after the last gas station.)
7 months:  Has learned to cry in response to the clicking of silverware
            on plates (ie: every goddamn time you eat!)
8 months:  Has learned to scream bloody murder just before you and your
            spouse climax!
9 months:  Has learned to allow said climax at least once every three 
            weeks (parents who go without sex for 30 days get real bitchy!)
10 months: Has learned to spit out food only when your head is turned.
11 months: Has learned how to spill hot coffee on your lap.
12 months: Has learned to say "mama/dada" *immediately* after spilling 
            that cup of coffee (It's truly amazing how fast parents 
            forget!)
13 months: Has learned how to hide the remote control in the garbage can.
14 months: Has learned how to properly adjust the color on your tv. 
15 months: Has learned to throw entire plate of food in your lap as soon
            as your turn your head.
16 months: Has learned to say "Pee pee" as soon as the diaper is wet.
17 months: Has learned to say "Poo poo" as soon as the diaper is full.
18 months: Has learned how to remove clothing and the diaper.
19 months: Has learned the joy of playing with shit!
20 months: Has learned how to flush the toilet.
21 months: Has learned how to put kitty in the toilet. (this is where you
            learn how to use a plunger to remove kittens which are stuck
            halfway down the toilet.
22 months: Has learned that the purpose of a hammer is to bang on the head
            of any adult foolish enough to lay down in the vicinity of the
            child.
23 months: Has learned to open the door and bring the friendly salesman
            to the bedroom when mommy and daddy are "busy."
2 yrs old: The child is instantly transformed from this beuatiful angel 
            (described above) to a demonic hellraiser.  LOOKOUT!
-- 
"25 States allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with
no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy.  However, 4 out of 5 US murders are 
committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?"   -  Andrew Ford
gtephx!forda@enuucp.eas.asu.edu  OR  !uunet!samsung!romed!enuucp!gtephx!forda