From: feirtag@i5120b.nrl.navy.mil (Fred Feirtag)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Breaking ties for good.
Date: 22 Jul 92 15:01:03 GMT

In article <92203.194232U15479@uicvm.uic.edu>, U15479@uicvm.uic.edu (Chris Grumboski) writes:
|> I need some advice that I can give to a girl that I am interested in seeing.
|> She was in an abusive relationship where her boyfriend cheated on her and many
|> other bad things.  They broke up but they still sometimes talk and get together
|> because she says she is lonely.  Lately she has been getting very mad at him
|> because he has been putting down by calling her stupid etc. and she finally
|> just wants to break it off with him and not talk to him again.  The problem is
|> that she is very non-assertive  and afraid.  She is just to scared to confront
|> him and tell him to go to hell and never to speak to him again.  Secondly, even
|> if she did tell him not to talk to her again he would call her in a few weeks
|> and she would probably do something with him because she is bored or not a
|> hateful person etc.
|>      She used to be extremely in love with this guy and he was also her first
|> lover so she admits that is why it is hard for her to break it off.  So what
|> can I tell her to do and say to tell her ex to piss off?  Also, what can I tell
|> her to say if he calls her because she is very weak when it comes to things
|> like this?  Thank you in advance.
|> 
|>                                  Chris

Chris,

      Remember the saying, "It takes two to tango?"  When we look into a
relationship from the outside, there often seems to be only one "victim,"
but I accept this viewpoint less and less.  I once read that "upon closer
examination, it is impossible to tell the knife from the wound, in these
situations."  I think that is an important statement to remember.

      You ask what you can tell her.  Don't make the mistake of thinking
you have any great power to influence her.  If people do change, and I
don't think they do very much, they change slowly.  I think you should
consider being very available, but being clear that she has to prove that
she deserves you, and presumably the healthy relationship that you offer.
It may turn out that, while you cannot make her well, she can make you
sick.  If an alarm in you brain ever goes off with that message, get out
as fast as you can.

      Last year I dated a woman who may have been similar.  She had an
abusive childhood, and I kept thinking that she was really a good person,
and that she deserved better.  I wanted to give her the love that she
didn't get when she was young.  She couldn't accept it.  I had seen a
version of this before.  Years earlier, my family had tried to reach out
to some more distant family members who had also had bad childhoods.
Be there for people like this, but don't let them drag you down.  They
may not even know what a healthy relationship is.

      In general, it is easier to believe that there is a right thing to
say or do, instead of believeing that one is basically powerless, but
I have basically reached the conclusion that we have very little power in
these situations.  I'm not saying "don't try," but I think you need to
be cautiously realistic.  I wish you luck.

-- 


Fred Feirtag                    |
Naval Research Lab, Code 5120   | "It's got to be a cover:
Washington, DC  20375           |    No one's life could be this boring."
feirtag@wave.nrl.navy.mil       |            --Susan (Madonna)
(202) 404 - 8502                |
Newsgroups: alt.romance