From: pa_ross@csd.uwe.ac.uk (Mr Rossy)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Help!  What should I do? (Very long)
Keywords: Please read
Date: 7 Oct 92 13:24:05 GMT
Organization: University of the West of England, Bristol

>	I'm interested in a girl.  She and I are good friends.  She has a boy-
>friend.  He and I are friends.  Not "best" friends, but friends nonetheless.

Oh dear sounds like this is guy is going to play with fire for a while. If he
is succesfull with this women he is going to lose a friend, if he is
unsucesful then he might lose her as a friend.

>He and She have been going out for over a year.  However, they have been having
>relationship problems for quite some time.  It seems they have a little spat at
>least once a week.  Both have threatened to "breakup" many, many times, but yet
>they're still together.

Another point comes to mind, if she does break up with him to go out with you
then you may think everything will be sweet. It won't just because it's over
doesn't mean that she will stop loving him instantly. You have to be prepared
to be very patient and she will probably talk about him alot and still
communicate frequently with him. One of the worst pains on Earth is to be in
love with someone and hear them tell you how much they love there old partner.
It's a hard situation but if you love her enough then you will get through it.
Remember not to pressurise her to much otherwise she will be gone so fast you
wont even see her move.

>	Everyone following this, :-)?  OK, so with all their hangups, their 
>still together.  When out at a bar or party, She tends to spend more time with
>me, and He tends to ignore Her most of the time.  Whenever She and I are to-
>gether, we have a great time.  Whenever, She and He are together, there is 
>always trouble.

Don't confuse friendship with attraction, although if I had to bet money on it
then I would say that she is interested in you.

>  One thing they are always fighting about is His drinking 
>habits.  It seems that He cannot go out without getting drunk.  She is also
>concerned about Him getting involved in drugs.  I know for a fact that He has
>been "experimenting" for about a month now.  She does not know this, and if
>She did, She would not be happy (to say the least).

If that is the kind of guy he is then it is obvious that they are not right
for each other, but breaking up after a year is not an easy thing to do. I
do believe though that just because he takes drugs does not necessarly mean he
is a bad person, it means he has different "hobbies" to her (Also depends on
the substance I suppose)

>	Also, all the "romance" seems to have drifted from their relationship.
>They seem to be just going through the motions.  She has mentioned to me that
>She really does not want to breakup with Him, no matter the reason, just 
>because they have been going out for so long.  He seems to take her for granted.

Like I said, after such along time it is hard to quit and go out with someone
else. They know each other very well and it is an uncomfortable thought having
to get to know someone else. Ask her if she's going to stick with it, but tell
her life goes on, and if she is unhappy she should do something about it. Easy
to say but hard to do I know, but life is often uneasy

>They rarely go out alone together (one of the reasons I have been spending so
>much time with her).  No flowers, no candy, no romantic walks, etc..  Many
>nights I have taken Her home, while He stays out and parties with the boys.

Sounds unromantic, but why don't you make your move and come out and say it?

>	Still following, :-)?  OK, now Her relationship with me.  Over the
>past few months, we have gotten really close.  Whether or not this is a direct
>result of their problems, I do not know.  The time we spend together is mostly
>done at bars and parties, but when at a bar/party, we usually spend the entire
>evening together.  We go out or talk on the phone together at least twice a 
>week.  These conversations usually center around Her problems with Him.  Also,
>She has stated (perhaps in anger or jest, but nonetheless) that She hates all
>men with the exception of me.

Looks good to me, go-on make your move, next time ask her out to dinner.

>	There is also the matter of the other people involved in this mess.  He
>is well-liked by Her family.  She is well-liked by His family.  I'm well-liked
>by Her family.  The three of us, for the most part, have the same friends.
>So, if I were to "make a play", things could get really messy.

Could do, but sounds like your emotions are pretty messy the way things are, if
anything coming clean will clear the air. Things will either go well and you
will be happy or badly, in which case you can try to forget her.

>	Damn, this is getting long.  Anyway, to give you some more to think
>about (that is if you are still reading this), to compare His and my "looks",
>I'd have to say that he is better lookin on the simple principle that She is
>with Him and not me.  I'm not even going to try to figure out what a woman
>finds attractive in a guy.

In my personal experience, looks are alot less important to a women than to a
man. I have found (And ladies correct me if I am wrong) that women generally
go for men that are witty, humerous and fun to be with. After all doesn't 
matter how good looking you are, if you can't string to words togethor it is
hardly worth making a go of it, is it ?


  However, for the record, I'm not some freak-of-
>nature.  I guess you could say I'm an ordinary average guy.  She, on the other
>hand, is drop-dead beautiful.  This is not just my opinion.  My friends and
>total strangers have all confirmed this to be fact.  Also, She's 18.  I'm 21.
>He's 19.  The age difference may be a hangup for Her.

Doubt it. I have also noticed women go for men older than themselves and have
done since time began, she will probably find it flattering that someone 3
years her senior is interested in her.

>	Now this is where you come in.  What do I do?  Should I forget about 
>Her and go on with my life?  Should I just convince Her to call it off, and
>then wait and see if something develops between us?  Should I let nature take
>it's course, and see if they break up on their own?  Should I throw all my 
>cards out on table, tell Her how I feel about Her and tell Her she would be
>better off with me than Him?

Please do the latter, clear the air it be for the best for both of you. Let us
know what happens.

						 Paul
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