From: avery@netcom.com (Avery Ray Colter)
Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks
Subject: Re: But a Size 3?!?
Date: 2 Oct 92 23:16:01 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

sue@akix.uucp (Sue Raul) writes:

>May I suggest watching *anything but* a talk show that allows anyone,
>husband, stranger, mother, friend, anyone, to degrade anyone, particularly
>a woman, for her size. I've seen enough of these myself, on Sally Jesse Raphael,
>for instance, that I just won't do it anymore.  

Yeah, unfortunately those shows almost always feel the need to give time
to opposing factions with respect to any issue. So fat-acceptance partisans
and anti-fat partisans usually have to share the stage. I forget whether it
was SJR or Jenny Jones who staged the large size beauty pageant, but that at
least seemed like a step in a good direction - that was one of the few shows
where no anti-fat voices were heard at all. Of course, even that might be
subject to the general misgivings about beauty pageants in general; there
are opposing factions even in that regard.

>It's really no one's business what size a person is.  I find it a lot more
>painful than it is helpful to tell a person "I'm worried about your health."

All the more so when one particular theory of health gets 99% of the publicity.
I can't wait until AHELP gets to the point of sending members on the air,
then we might actually have a decent two-sided discussion about it.
Health is definitely the last refuge of scoundrels in this issue.

>To ignore that person as a person and only focus in on their outward appearance,
>make a judgement about their health from it, and exclaim a concern or judgement
>is to patronize and invalidate that person.   It gives control and power
>freaks just the fuel they need to pick on anyone they want to control.
>The size 3 woman with the larger-than-he-likes-it behind shows just such a case.
>The man who criticized Teri to no end was another. I'm fortunate in that I don't
>have anyone telling me how awful I am on a daily basis, but once in a while
>my mother takes the cake (pun intended). :-\

I really wonder if the man on the talk show was telling the truth. Did he
really not like her shape, or was he just looking for any chink in her
personality to exploit? In particular, if he was so extremely put off by
this, why was he staying with her? I always get suspicious of people who
continue on and on in relationships while constantly saying there's something
about their SO that is supposedly so damned unattractive to them.
Maybe the only reason he is staying with her is he knows she's so susceptible
to attack. If her butt got smaller by some twist of fate, something else would
likely take its place. He might threaten to leave at times, but he never will
unless he sees her start to stand up and assert her own self worth. This is
at least my understanding of this fellow male from a male point of view.
My own feeling is that if someone is THAT much unattracted to a characteristic
of someone else, better to LJBF or better yet not start at all.

Teri, from her experience, may have different feelings, as may others here who
have had similar experiences. I'd like to know if Teri feels she was better off
with this man in her past having stayed involved with her so long, spewing
negative energy all the while, than she would have been if he'd just said
his goodbyes much earlier.

>The other day someone used an ethnic slur around me.  It didn't bother me
>half as much as the size comments.   I told the person that was "insulting"
>and they realized it and it was no big deal.  I think he may have learned
>something.  But watch how defensive people get if you tell them their
>"concern for your health" doesn't help matters.

Those are usually people who are either so obsessed with health that they
waste a perfectly productive life doing everything in their power to lengthen
it, or are intent on moving the focus away from their own anomalies or the
environmental hazards to everyone's health.

Some people get so hypocritical too - I remember one past friend of one
of my sister's was a macrobiotic smoker. And in the case above, you might
try posing your response this way: what effect on your health do these
"concerned" people think they will affect by perpetually lowering your
morale or making you feel unhealthy, things which weaken immune response
and resilience against stress?

Maybe simply, "Don't worry, be happy"?
Or, "So join the Green Party and express your concern for the health
of the planet"?




-- 
Avery Ray Colter ("Elfcat") - 	avery@netcom.netcom.com (IP 192.100.81.100)
(510) 656-1902 
"Heaviness is the root of lightness; calmness is the controller of haste"
Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks