From: ldoering@engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering)
Subject: Re: A quote looking for a context
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 92 05:24:36 EST
Organization: Systems Research and Applications Corporation, Arlington, VA

    Teresa burst into my office, wild-eyed.
    "Larry," she gasped, "I need help."
Outside, an airliner banked hard to follow the Potomac down to National
Airport, sliding out of sight behind the USA Today building.  I turned
away from the window, but not before taking a last look at the stream
of bumper-to-bumper commuter traffic inching its way across the 14th
Street bridges towards downtown Washington.
   "What's wrong, Teresa?"
   "Remember the staff meeting last week, when Stu Rubens said everyone
who didn't have coverage would join the proposal effort?"
    I did.  In the waning days of the Bush administration, companies like
SRA were fighting like maddened weasels for every government contract
they could get their mitts on, bidding on absolutely everything.
    "Well," Teresa said, "they got me for the Defense Logistics Agency
Improved MRE bid."
    "And you've got to write the proposal."
    "Yeah.  And, remember, SRA's still got $3 million sunk into those
irradiated hardboiled eggs we bought when we thought we were going
to get the follow-on to FEMA's fallout shelter food restocking contract."
    I saw it coming.  "So Stu wants to kill two birds with one stone, right?"
    Teresa was close to panic.  "And I've never written one of these things
before, and the Pentagon issued a stop-work order on our Advanced Tetris
contract for the Joint Chiefs, so I don't have direct-labor coverage 
for the rest of the month, and I..."
    "Calm down," I said.  "No biggee."
    Teresa stared at me.  "You don't understand!"  she moaned.  "How
am I supposed to convince the DLA they want to buy a bunch of spoil-
resistant hardboiled EGGS?"
    "Okay, okay.  You want to start by saying 'Hard-boiled eggs are good',
right?"
    "Yes, but..."
    "But 'hard-boiled eggs' doesn't sound right in a contract proposal.
Too specific.  Remember, you're writing for a bunch of government employees.
Think generic.  Think pompous and long-winded."
    Teresa seemed calmer now.  "Umm, how about... hell, I don't know.
Maybe... 'pre-cooked individual breakfast units, in shell?'"
    "Nahhh.  Too Pentagonish.  This is for the logistics weenies over at
Cameron Station, remember?  Try 'cold eggs cuisine.'"
    She perked up a bit.  "I like it.  What should come next, though?  I 
don't think we can say 'Cold eggs cuisine are what you want, guys.'"
    I thought for a moment.  "Hey.  They're probably worried about the
coming climate of government austerity over there, what with the new
Administration coming in and all, right?"
    "So?"
    "And poultry farming is a big deal in Arkansas, right?"
    "Yeah, but..."
    "So, by the time the DLA awards the contract, some guy who knew
Clinton's assistant campaign manager in elementary school will be heading
up the agency, and we want to suggest that _eggs_, an ideal solution to
DoD's logistics requirements, have been ignored for the last twelve years."
    Teresa smiled crookedly.  "'Cold eggs cuisine has been ignored..."
    "No, wait."  I shook my head.  "'Ignored' is too confrontational.
It does have the right weird passive governmentese sound, though."
    "Yeesh.  You're right."  She grabbed a memo pad from my desk.  After
a few minutes, she scribbled something and handed it to me.  It read,
 
    >"Cold eggs cuisine has not been sufficiently exploited."  

    "By Jove," I murmured, "I think she's got it."

ljd
boy, am I glad I don't have to wear a tie to work anymore
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre