From: dks@athena.mit.edu (dks)
Subject: Shopping at WHOPPER MART
Organization: MIT, Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA.
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 11:16:03 GMT


Michael Glass and Reva Freedman advertise:
>
>
>                          F A M I L Y   V A L U   D A Y S
>                                        at
>                              W H O P P E R   M A R T
> 
>              1000s of Election Season Bargains for the whole Family!

Do y'all take coupons?



>         -- BACK-TO-SCHOOL SAVINGS on stationery, clothing, Bibles.
>              Crosses 30 - 50% off!
>              Theme Books (Christian themes only) only $2.48 - $5.89!
>              Arnold Schwartzenegger lunch boxes now only $7.98!

No, thanks.  The last time we bought one of those "Christian" theme books,
there was a free condom in it.



>         -- Beautiful FAMILY PORTRAITS now only $8.99!

OK, but how much do y'all charge ugly families?



>         -- Trillion $$$ in TAX BREAKS, PRICE SUPPORTS, and PORK.
>              Guaranteed NOT TO BUST YOUR BUDGET! (*)
>              (*) Terms and conditions to be revealed after 1/21/93.

If we put a tax break on a credit card, can we deduct the purchase price
next April?



>         -- Pre-Season savings on HALLOWEEN MASKS and COSTUMES!

What do y'all think we are?  A couple of goat-worshipping CELTIC PAGANS?



>         -- MOTHER - DAUGHTER matching OUTFITS, now only 9.99 - 18.99! (*)
>              (*) Proof of marriage required

CROSS-DRESSING!  INCEST!  HOW DARE Y'ALL SELL THIS SORT OF -- whoops, sorry.
No, no, we're fine, really.  It's just that, for a minute there, we thought
y'all were talking about FATHER-daughter matching outfits.



>         -- Your choice of QUALITY SCHOOLS! (*)
>              Color -- YOU CHOOSE!
>              Religion -- YOU CHOOSE!
>              Sex Education -- YOU CHOOSE!
>              Creationism -- YOU CHOOSE!
>              Value of PI -- YOU CHOOSE!

Appl.  It's all-American.  Any other kind just wouldn't be pi.



>         -- 1000 pc plastic GEORGE AND BARBARA DOLL SET!
>              [...] children and grandchildren (*) and much more!
>              (*) Offspring sold separately.  Collect the complete set!

We'll take two of the little brown ones.



>         -- Heartwarming, lovable, BUCHANANSTAIN BEARS CHILDRENS' BOOKS
>              only $2.17 each!
>              The Buchananstain Bears Meet a Non-Judeochristian
>               "        "         "   and Too Many Homosexuals!
>               "        "         "   and the Liberal Media
>               "        "         "   in the Cultural War

Are they all illustrated?



>         -- BIG SAVINGS on discontinued items:
>              James Baker World Travel Kit, includes passport, Mid-East
>                   proposals, dictionary, field guide to world leaders

Y'all don't have any more of those cakes and bibles from the last sale, huh?



>              Syrian Dictator Mask   (replaced by Iraqi Dictator Mask)

How about Panama hats?  Y'all got any of those left?



>              Sam Skinner / John Sununu / Dick Thornburgh action figures

That's odd.  We thought these were inaction figures.



>              Anita Hill Halloween Mask   (not scary enough)

Speak for yourself.  We'll take 13 million.*



L & D


*If y'all will deliver them to 520 radio stations around the country.