From: dauer1@cc.swarthmore.edu (David S. Auer)
Newsgroups: alt.evil
Subject: Friendly Advice
Date: 5 Oct 92 00:42:35 GMT
Organization: Swarthmore College

Here is a piece of friendly advice I picked up from my pal Leroy Johnson,
who is a sociopathic nigger mofo from the ghetto if ever  the label applied
to anyone.  Yeah, I like the guy.

He has this little obsession over people stealing his pens.  The negroid
male has a small brain; this probably has to do with the loud music they
listen to called hip hop.  They blast it so loud, it knocks the brains
right out of their ears.  Most of them manifest there dementia in
incomprehensible gibberish like "Yo, yo, homey, (Other incomprehensible
jibber-jabber)".  Leroy, that wacky coon, manifests this idiocy in severe
absent-mindedness.  He leaves his pens everywhere.

I remember being fascinated by him when we met, for he accused me in this
street-slang kind of intimidation stuff of stealing his pen.  I was quite
demure, not wishing to be rent limb from limb by this over-sized gorilla
with an attitude, and who knows, possibly a switchblade or worse.  I tried
to calm him down and offered to help him look for it.  We searched around
for awhile, and then a thought struck me.  "Have you checked your bag?" I
asked.  You should have seen his eyes bug out.  Fear crept into my veins as
I did not know what the fuck he was going to do.  He grinned widely, sort
of like a Zulu-warrior emulating a hyena.  In a sudden movement he tore out
his bag and rummaged through it for awhile, digging out the pen he accused
me of stealing.  It is quite lucky that I can pick pockets otherwise, I
would not have been able to replace the pen so certainly before he could
tear my heart out of its case.  Just kidding, Leroy, if you are reading
this.  Psyche!  I cannot actually pick pockets.

He was so happy, with that kind of passionate joy that few civilized beings
ever attain outside of sexual intercourse.  He was like a kid who just
relieved himself in his pants.  He clapped me on the back so hard that he
rendered my respiratory system  inoperative for a minute and a half or so. 
Thus in trauma was born a beautiful friendship, kinda like Harry and a
Henderson or Fred and Dino.

He showed me some of his tricks.  You can say what you want about the
African-Americans, but you must admit they have a low animal cunning born
in the streets.  Tired of folks stealing his pens, one day he produced a
pen for me, and without regard for the fact that the library was a public
place and the only thing standing between his big black hairy ass was the
relative lateness of the hour thereby diminishing the frequency of
visitors, he yanked down his trousers and jabbed the pen up his rectal
orifice.  Much to my thrilled disgust he mashed it around in there for
awhile and deposited upon a table.

He pulled me to the side and we casually observed the room from a nearby
location.  This gorgeous blonde was the first to sit at the table.  She
noticed the pen and waited around for awhile in case the owner came back. 
The pen was clearly however burning a hole in the back of her corneas,
'cause her breathing speeded up and she only looked in the pen's direction
once or twice every minute.   I wanted to warn her, but noticing my
intention, Leroy whacked me, rendering my respiratory system inoperative
again.  Hanging around Leroy, you get used to this; it took me under 30
seconds to recover this time.  Nonetheless, it is a jolt every time it
happens.  The blonde looked in our direction at the disturbance.  I smiled
at her, though she did not smile back.  At this point I decided the cunt
deserved what she had coming to her.

No sooner than I thought this did she pick the pen up.  She was ever so
slick, it looked natural.  A casual observer would have thought she owned
it.  She must have had a lot of practice quickly unfastening her bra and
shedding her panties is what I figure, for a blonde does not get good at
something unless it helps her out into bed.  Anyway, I could have stomached
it if she had just picked the pen up, but several minutes later she put the
thing in her mouth to chew on the cap.  The dumb bitch did not even realize
then the pen was all shitty!  When blondes were created they must have had
their noses and tastebuds taken out at the same time their brains were
removed.  I fantasized I saw a hint of a smile as the saliva laden cap left
her mouth.

So here is my advice.  If you find a pen lying around which is not yours,
don't pick it up.  But, if you still have that urge after this story,
whatever you do, DON'T PUT FOUND PENS IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

-David "Sadistic" Auer
_________________________________________________________________
     ________________     | David Samuel Auer
 ___/ __ \  __/  __  \___ | Not associated with Dem. Soc. of Am.
/__/ /_/ /__  \ |__| /__/ | My views and opinions do not reflect
  /_____/_____/__/\__\    | or represent those of my school.
__________________________|______________________________________
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