From: woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: Jealousy (was Re: "poly" label and other people)
Date: 17 Aug 92 00:26:29 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia

webber@world.std.com (Robert D Webber) writes:
>woodhous@latcs2.lat.oz.au (Joe P Woodhouse) writes:
>>   Precisely what I was going to say. I try to let my sweeties know in
>>advance (more out of a sense of being polite, than "asking" them or
>>something like that), but failing that we *do* have a bit of a general
>>policy on these things : Play Safe, Hurt No-one. (The Witches' Rede in
>>a Poly domain? 8->).
>
>And once again we have this confounding of sex and love, I think.

   Uh, I didn't think so. "Play safe" for me goes a little bit further 
than "use a condom". Play safe with the *people*, too. I thought it
was fairly clear I wasn't talking just about sex.


>What
>if you're on a trip and you meet someone on an airplane (unequipped
>with "Airfones") and you start talking and you fall in some kind of
>love with that person?

   Well, as I said, we evolved some general guidelines that can be 
applied in advance precisely because we recognized these situatons
can and will occur.


>and as someone else (Muffy?) noted, at the most only a few (and probably
>no) people can really control their emotions and decide who to fall in
>love with and how much.

   For sure. That's my bottom line when arguing with people over Poly
issues - I say "Well, people fall in love. It happens. Most people can't
do a thing about it. A system of relationships *must* take this into
account".

>So what do you do when you fall for someone
>and your partner isn't around?

   Basically what I'd do if I fell for someone while my partner *was*
around. Like I say, it was more a good friendly habit I've gotten into;
I like trying to let people know in advance, just in case there *is*
anything relevant they want me to know. I just generally think
communication is a Good Thing, from the point of view of making maximally
informed decisions. But it's nothing obsessive - I don't insist on
knowing everything, nor do I feel a compulsion to spill the beans on
everything either.


>It's a good thing to discuss ahead of time: if you're poly this way
>it'd better be understood that these things will happen.  How you
>deal with them when they do is something you have to work out
>between everyone involved.

   Right on. I guess I haven't been putting things well, I thought I'd
said something like that a while back.


>>I don't mean to
>>drag this argument up, but a comment one person made stuck in my mind :
>>"Having a veto arrangement in a non-monogamous context is attempting to
>>make a non-monogamous relationship function monogamously".
>
>Thank you, Joe!  I'd been trying to formulate just what it is about
>these veto things that bothers me, and hadn't been able to come up
>with anything more general than, "It just doesn't work for me."

   Another comment I remember is that is establishes a dichotomy of
significance of partners - other loves are somehow a bit "second-class"
compared to the partner with veto.


>My ex-wife got involved with someone I really disliked at one point,
>and the idea of her discussing me in pillow talk with this other
>really distressed me.  Having my feelings acknowledged and discussed
>helped a lot, and we came to some kind of compromise about it: I guess
>the important notion is that we can be independent enough to find
>other people we love, but we have to love each other enough to try
>to reconcile all these potentially conflicting  affections.

   Yes, this sort of situation was one of the things I was thinking of.
My sweetie & I have said that if we really have something against someone
either of us is getting involved with, we should talk about it. Much
better than the alternative of resentment going back and forth, etc.
ie. I resent them for being with the "wrong person". They resent me for
thinking this. I resent them for feeling I must censor my views. Etc.

Joe.

  / Joe Woodhouse        / I'm just a sweet bisexual...   / Hello, there.
 / Latrobe University   /    (think - Rocky Horror)      / Threesomes are fun.
/ Melbourne, Australia / Music. Magic. Mathematics. Me. / I like cats! (miaow!)
Xref: sparky alt.polyamory:934 alt.sex:26939