From: murph@buscard.fidonet.org (Brian Murphy)
Newsgroups: alt.beer,rec.crafts.brewing
Subject: The full moon game plan!
Date: 12 Aug 92 23:46:49 GMT
Organization: The Business Card (BBS), Lawrence, MA - Data: 508-682-5329

What a great crowd of people we have here on the net!  Honest to Gawd!
As you know, I'm a beginner who has received a mountain of mail and ALL
of it has been words of encouragement and enjoyment.  It almost seems
like you're having as much fun as I am!

I've gotten predictable mail from the lurkers and the novices; they're
still just as psyched as I am about this - I guess the novelty hasn't
worn off yet and that's good.  They want to know how I'm coming along
and what my next step is going to be or are eager to extend their hand
in welcome to the Craft.

(Anyone else gonna be brewing during the full moon?)

If you want to brew an exciting beer, you must be excited about what you
are doing.  A proper frame of mind is just as important an ingredient as
is the mix of physical ingredients.  *MY* VERY OWN beer is going to be
VERY exciting to behold!

What I _was_ impressed by is getting mail from the veterans!  You can
tell that they brew good beer because they're still at it and are STILL
excited about the hobby!  Their good attitude rings through loud and
clear in the messages in which they indicate that they've lost count
of how many batches they've brewed; they measure it in years!  :-)

Of course, everyone's names are familiar as I see their posts in the
newsgroups.  The impressive thing is getting mail from the writers in
the Home Brew Digest!  I'm sure you're all subscribed up to that and
know the rocket science THOSE guys get into - when one of those writers
sends mail, you pay attention!  <g>  I have received the last four issues
and I _still_ can't make heads nor tails of what they're mumbling but
I'm getting there.

The important thing is MY beer!  MY beer is going to be special because
it is unique and it is _mine._  Wanna know what's going to be unique
about MY beer?  I didn't investigate a particular recipe when I ordered
my ingredients!  Forgot about that part!  Eh!

DO NOT WORRY!  This is part of the fun and I'm having it RIGHT NOW!

What follows will be the game plan for tomorrow night during the full
moon.  By now, many of you know my writing style; post often, post
early, post loooooooong messages.  You seem to enjoy it as not a single
message in my mountain of mail has a complaint.  In fact, you're even
reading the whole damned thing since I'm getting answers to questions
posed on line 100 or so!  :-)  Even better are the stories some of you
are sending me in return about your own experiences!  You should really
post them here as many of them are quite humorous and offer advice on
what to do in some of those circumstances.  In any case, I'm sure I'll
mellow out with age like MY beer will.  Until then, I'd appreciate any
last minute comments on my plan - turn-around time for the mail seems to
be quite good.  I begin at 6:30 p.m. and my computer (home UseNet access
is kewl!) will be hot throughout the process:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a ROAD TRIP and the moon is full!
The date is the 13th.
The planets are lined up.
I have a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes,
and I'm on a Mission from Gawd!

HIT IT!

Check the calendar:  Sure enough, it's the 13th.  EXCELLENT, D00D!

Check the celestial bodies:  Full moon.  Starry sky.  Bright.  Clear.

Check the chick's body:  Oh, MAN!  Groovy!  This is gonna be G00D!

Check the dog's body:  Oh, MAN!  Bummah!  Bad Karma.
Toss Stoopid Dog Blanche out into the moonlit night.

Check the home brewing environment:  Don't recognize the place!
Clean, antiseptic, well-lit.  Wondering where the patient is.

Check the address:  Yep, I live here awright.  Dazed and confused.

1.  Crack open a Samuel Adams Lager and drain half the bottle after
    muttering incantation to the Holy Beah Gawds.  Clothe unholy body
    in new "Relax, don't worry..." T-shirt.

2.  Yank those poor beer bottles out of my trash bucket filled with
    bleach and water - they've been in their too long.  Gonna use it for
    sanitizing other things.  See youse in a week or so, Mr. Bottles!

3.  Quickly rinse and re-fill with a new sanitizing solution of Clorox
    and water.  9.75 gallon bucket.  Fill it to somewhere around
    halfway.  Don't worry about accurate measuring - I'm in a great
    mood!  Besides, I forgot to buy measuring cups and spoons.  Am glad
    I "found" a "surplus" scale in the science lab when I was in high
    school many full moons ago.  Figure I have six or so gallons in the
    trash bucket.  Need 1-2 ounces of bleach for each gallon.
    Pour two-three seconds worth of bleach in it.

4.  Put everything in the solution; hydrometer, thermometer, siphon
    tubes, funnel and funky funnel strainer, charismatic wooden spoon,
    fermentation lock, rubber stopper with hole, hell, put the boiling
    pot and lid in for good measure.  S.D. Blanche came quickly to mind
    - discounted the idea.

5.  Realize I'm lost but not worrying.  Know that everything has to soak
    for 10-15 minutes.  Find Papazian's book.  Mutter incantation for
    Papazian's sake and drain Sammie while reviewing beginner's section.
    Feel stoopid.  Like it when I find that page that he says with
    Authority; "What you are going to do - Going for Greatness!"  I know
    Charlie's talking to me!  Reach for 'nuther Sammie.

6.  I hear a knock on the door.  Curious brother, Scott.  Hand him a
    Sammie, too.  He fixes me with one of those "what THIS time, Brian?"
    looks.  <sigh>  Assure him that I'm Doing The Right Thing For
    Humanity.

7.  Retrieve 5 gal. stock pot from sanitizing pile in the trash bucket.
    Good rinse.  Retrieve store-bought water that I boiled the night
    before and reflect on how I wish I had been saving those plastic
    jugs so I wouldn't have had to actually use the water in them - tap
    water would have been fine.  Even not boiling would have been "OK"
    but I'm anal retentive, I begin to realize.  Reflect on the passing
    years.

8.  POUR WATER INTO THE POT!  I'M REALLY DOING IT!!  I'M MAKING BEAH!
    Dump out 2-1/2 jugs.  Have a sip of Sammie and think how much better
    MY beer will be.  Swish it around in my mouth and try to pick out
    the different flavors.  Flip to page in Papazian's book to see that
    tongue chart for where the flavors should be.  Still don't "get it"
    and know that I'll have to see what MY beer tastes like to discern
    the flavors.

9.  Fill sink with hot water and soak cans of malt syrup/glue for easier
    pouring.  Don't want leave any of that goodness in the can because I
    can't get it out.  VERY happy the guys on the network said use both
    cans!

10. Realize I'm lost but know I need some yeast sometime soon and that I
    should make a "starter."  Scott needs another Sammie.  I drain mine
    and get a couple more for the two of us.  REALIZE THE CHICK'S BEEN
    DOING *BUDWEISER IN CANS!*  Uproar to no avail.  Captain's Log: gotta
    do something about this.  Begin to think how crowded it is in here and
    how lonely S.D. Blanche must be and how the dawg might like some
    company.  Think of the 150 proof vodka for mouth sanitation and her
    lovely siphon-starting technique, much improved with those "special
    exercises" I taught her throughout our relationship.  Warm glow.
    Sly smile slides across my face.  She can stay.  Gotta lose Scott!

11. Reality.  Found store propaganda that says it takes 30 minutes to
    get a yeast starter happening.  Need clean bottle.  No sweat.  Need
    stopper to fit and fermentation lock for it.  Ugh!  Don't have one.
    Not worrying, I know Saran Wrap is kewl - no choice.  Need 3/4 cup
    boiled water.  Need 'nuther pan; has to soak in the bleach bucket.
    Gonna be a long night.  More Sammie.

12. Look at pot of water on stove - should start doing something with
    it.  Get cans of syrup out of sink of hot water.  Crack 'em open -
    everyone sticks finger in for a taste.  Pour 'em into the pot.

13. Remember the hopsters in the 'fridge and one guy's caution not to
    use the whole ten ounces of pellets!  Begin to realize I don't have
    a "recipe!"  Consult with Messrs. Adams and Papazian.  Scott and the
    chick laughs at me.  Feeling good by now, I laugh and realize how
    W0NDERFUL this unique brew is going to be!  Mr. Sam Adams points out
    Mr. Papazian's "Guidelines for Brewing 5 Gallons of Traditional Beer"
    on page 166.  Whew!  Find only line that mentions all the
    ingredients I already have; the amber malt and Cascade hopsters.
    Looks like I'll be making an English Bitter either (a) or (b)
    tonight!  See no reference to (a) or (b) elsewhere - who cares?
    Need 5 pounds malt extract.  I have 6.6.  Groovy - fuller body and
    more alcohol than the 3-3.5 percent it says on the chart.
    Need 1.5 to 2 ounces of boiling hops.  Half an ounce of finishing
    hops.  Kewl!  What's the diff?, I think.  Find recipe for Righteous
    Real Ale on page 178.  Looks easy except for the gypsum - don't have
    any.  Find description; adjusts hardness and/or acidity of water.
    Two teaspoons?  <shrug>  Let the guys on the Home Brew Digest
    mailing list Worry about THAT!  Find where boiling hops make bitter
    flavor to offset sweetness of extract.  Boil for as long and with
    everything else.  Piece of cake.  Finishing hops lend flavor and
    aroma.  Boil for the last 5-7 minutes since flavor and aroma can't
    stand to be boiled for too long; they told me so.

14. Measure 2 ounces of hopster pellets - more is better than less at
    the beginner stage - the flavor of the hops will mask any
    off-flavors that my first batch might have.  Of course, MY beer WILL
    to be perfect, right?  Practice Larry Bird foul throw with last
    pellet and realize why Olympic Committee didn't call me.

15. CRANK UP THE HEAT!  WHIP OUT WOODEN SP00N (with charisma)!!
    Oooo's and aaahhh's all around!  Give the liquid in the pot a
    practice stir.  It is now officially called wort, I explain to
    appreciative audience.  Blank looks.  Definitely in need of more
    Sammies.

16. Know that I have to boil for 45-60 minutes.  Start filling 6 gallon
    carboy with water and bleach solution.  SOMEONE YELLS ABOUT BUBBLING
    POT ON STOVE!  Damn!  They TOLD me to watch for that boilover - you
    think I'd have remembered.  Minor spillage - no biggie, great
    entertainment value.  Everything's under control.  Get lid out of
    Clorox, rinse, cover pot _lightly_ with it - I remember that
    boilover now!

17. Get smaller pan out of the Clorox and start the yeast starter
    happening per instructions.  Boil 3/4 cups water for 10 mins.  Cool
    to 100 degrees (my first chance to use the foot-long thermometer!).
    Pour into sterile bottle, toss in the happy, cha-cha-cha yeast.
    Cover with Saran Wrap and let it hang around for a half-hour.

18. Sanitize the 6.5 gallon carboy with some Clorox solution.  While
    filling from empty plastic jug, mark 5 gallon mark for the heck of
    it.  Let that hang for half-hour.

19. Stir boiling wort with neat wooden spoon.  Impress appreciative
    audience with wrist action.  Things are really happening now!!
    Get spoonful of boiling wort, cool, and taste it!  Everyone has a
    taste!  Boy!

20. Boil 'nuther cup of water for yeast starter for 5 minutes then add
    two tablespoons of my dry malt.  Everyone tastes the dry stuff which
    reminds us of the kilo of heroin we saw on Miami Vice.  Lots of
    gangster jokes and pulls on the Sammies and worthless Bud for the
    chick.  Gotta do something about that.  Boil for another 5 minutes.
    _Quickly_ cool this to room temperature?  Worry.  Fill sink with cold
    water and put pan's bottom in it.  Worry about steam contamination
    with my open pan.  Too late now.  After two-three minutes, pour into
    beer bottle.  Fits quite nicely.  Put Saran Wrap back on and ignore.

21. Stir wort.  Empty sanitizing carboy.  Rinse real well.  Fill with
    2.5 gallons of cold, boiled water from the night before.  Stir wort.
    Drink more Sammie.

22. 50 minutes of boiling.  Check Papazian's book.  Half an ounce more
    of hops.  Chuck 'em in.  Boil another seven minutes.

23. Deep breath.  Blink in amazement.  Drink more Sammies.  Realize I'm
    about to climax here.  Check list.  Got the carboy half filled with
    cold water.  Have my yeast ready to go.  Boiled wort ready to fly.
    Rinse off funnel and strainer real well and stick in carboy.  Pour
    boiled wort into carboy.  Rinse siphon and have chick gargle with
    150 proof vodka.  See if she's mastered those "special exercises" by
    having her siphon off a cupful.  Everyone has a sip!  Marvel.  Rinse
    stopper wickedly.  Stick it in neck of carboy for effect.  Cover hole
    with Saran Wrap because I'm anal retentive.
    Relax and have more Sammies.

24. Half an hour later, feel carboy.  Take temp.  About 78F degrees.
    Rinse hydrometer and take reading.  Make adjustment to 60F degrees.
    Record.  Chuck in the yeast!!  I'M MAKING BEAH!!  Shake the livin'
    bejabbers outta the fermenting wort.

25. Stick the stopper back into sanitization bath while rinsing
    fermentation lock because I'm anal retentive.  Rinse stopper again,
    dry, and place in carboy.  Insert lock, fill with 50/50 water and
    vodka because someone said it was kewl and I concur.

I'M DONE!  FINISHED!  Nothing left to do but wait.  Bummah.  Anti-climax
overcome with liberal application of Sammies.  Retrieve curious dog.
Drag carboy into the corner of the living room to amuse and amaze my
friends.  Put lampshade on carboy.  Lose my brother.  Mention to chick
how she needed needed more siphon-starting training.

                Happy to oblige while howling at the moon!...
                              - - - Murph

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