From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Yet Another Highly Emotional Letter  **SPOILER WARNING**
Date: 27 Dec 92 12:24:14 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

At work today I ended up having an emotional fit...  It's that time of the year
again...  So I started writing, and here are the results...  First, it's time
for the standard


* * * * *     SPOILER  * * * * *  WARNING     * * * * *


This is the first time in a while I've thought I can get some of this shit down
on paper...  So here goes nothing.  But where do I start?  There is no true
beggining so I'm picking a point at random and doing the fill-in thing.

Also, this message is gonna deal with emotions for people in real life.  Note
to asar's local people who know me in "real life" (tm).  Be aware that I'm
aware of my problems and distortions of reality -- Hell, how can I not be?? --
and am dealing with it as best as I can.  The other people involved know what's
going on in my head (to a limited extent, at least) and are helping me along...
 No interferance from youse all please!!!

Onto the shit...  As of late I haven't been as depressed for long periods of
time.  But I'm finging myself turning to violence.  Not good.  Last week I was
fighting with a 5 year old, trying to get him buckled in my car, so his mom and
I could take him home...  (Kid didn't want to)  And I found myself starting to
use more force than was justifyable.  Almost caused pain.  Then (Thank the
ghods!)  the safties kicked in, and I realized that this was a 5 year old kid! 
Ease up, or I could do some serious damage!

I'm finding myself slamming doors and the like when fustration levels get to
high.  Hell, as I write this a part of me wants to beat upon someone for no
reason until they bleed...

As anyone who knows me knows, this is *EXTREMELY* out of character for me...
Side effect of the meds?  Possibly...

Speaking of the meds, when I first kept myself on 30 mgs if Vivactil (supposed
to be on 40 mgs per day now) the narrow picture I saw (in regards to my
emotions) particularly love (which has been my main problem) became just a part
of the big view, rather than being the entire thing...

But I can't take the damn chest pains that go along with that medication, so I
cut myself back down to 20 mgs and now the narrow viewpoint reigns again.  And
I'm having more memory problems (transfer from short to long term memory) now
that I'm off the imipramine and has since worked it's way out of my system;
which seemed to help that problem out!  (I'm merely reverting back to the
problems I've always had, rather than a new problem forming...)

Shit, I can't write anymore, my hand is so fucking tense I'm in pain holding
this pen.  More later.  And I haven't reached the important shit yet!  AAARGH!

[About 1 hour later]

My hand is still in pain, and my anger grows.  Not an apathetic anger like I'm
used to -- a violent rage.  I slam doors, yell, etc. and it's not helping. 
Just put the latest Ministry tape on -- not violent enough for my tastes right
now.  Kinda like the quote by Arlo Guthrie in _Alice's_Resturant_  "I wanna
kill.  See dead burnt bodies.  I wanna kill.  And I started jumping up and down
on the desk yelling, `kill kill kill', and the psychatrist jumped up there with
me and we were both yelling, `kill kill kill', 'till the Sgt came in, pinned a
medal on me, and said, `Boy, you're our man!'"  (So I haven't completely lost
my sence of humor...)

The cause of the anger -- Unknown.  So onto some of the other shit in my life
as seen through a haze of rage.

Xmas Eve.  A stressfull day to say the least.  I was working, and was the
supervisor on-duty when Tara paged me, upset as all hell because some lawyers
are trying to sue her (she's a minor and can't get a job yet!) and her mom had
her bank account frozen on her, etc...  And she's convinced that her and her
b/f are through.  (mixed emotions there -- unhappy that she's unhappy and going
through this hell, happy that she's dumping that S.O.B.)  And I felt guilty as
hell when I told Tara I couldn't talk then, and asked if I could callher back
later on?  "No,  And I'm going to sleep now..." (Said in the same tone as "YOU
GODDAMNED MOTHAFUCKA!"  :(

Had "lunch" (11:30pm) with Angel that night.  Went real well.  (Mind you we
ended up at a 7-11, because even Dennys was closed Xmas eve...) Later that
day/night/whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-it a sence of Deja-Vou (sp?)
started hitting me.  Only my system was trying to refer to her as "wife". 
(Don't get that one.  We're good friends, and nothing more...  (I might like
more to happen at a *LATER* date, but that's another story!))  Don't know where
that one came from...  So that just added to general confusion levels...

It is now 19 hours and 30 minutes [as I type this, it's 17 hours and 45
minutes, but who's counting] since it's been exactly 3 years since I was dumped
by Maria (for an ex boyfriend) (without warning), 2 days after Xmas.  Never did
stop loving her...  Last time I saw her (at Capricon XII) was far to painfull. 
I grabbed a nearby friend and made him walk with me to a bar in the hotel,
where I proceeded to hide out (and almost break down into tears) and think
abour getting sloshed to the gills.  (Didn't, but that was partly (mainly?)
because I knew that if I tried - in that state - there were enough people who
would have forcibly stopped me...

Fuck, I'm in pain.  Emotional and physical...  (More chest and stomach pains,
since I'm more than a little stressed right now...)

It feels as if I've just scratched the surface with this letter...  I give up.
Let me die now, please?

Music...  I want to hear Meatload.  Too many memories though, and I'm probably
break down completely.  (Haven't been able to really get in touch with my
feelings when I'm alone...  Seem to need another human there to comfort me for
me to be able to break down that far...  Damn, wish I could just shed a few
tears alone as a saftey valve...  And Spinal Tap.  Hell of an album to be
sentimental over...  I bought it the day after Teri dumped me, in hopes of it
possibly cheering me up.  WRONG.  I'm probably the only one who's eyes most
over when I hear the song _Bitch_School_.  (And yes, you can laugh at that
image.  I do.  Well, a small saddened chuckle...)

New Years...  Gid, I still have to face *THAT*!  Don't want to...  I remember
making lots of plans for that night with past SO's.  None of it has ever come
to pass.  I'm always dumped before then.  Never had a SO to celebrate it with.
A couple were with me through Xmas, but never any farther...

[15 minute break before I continue writing the letter]

I was just hacking at my wrists after writing that last paragraph.  With a new
Swiss Army knife (monogrammed, and bought in Switzerland).  Odd, it doesn't
hurt as much as when I've used new razor blades.  Maybe I can kill myself this
way...  I dunno...

"Fuck All That / Gotta Get On With These"  -- Pink Floyd

<><><><>
Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  anon.77@pax.tpa.com.au

 "And the Germans killed the Jews.  And the Jews killed the Arabs.
  And the Arabs killed the hostages.  And that is the news."
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery