From: julie@cucbs.chem.columbia.edu (Julie Wright)
Subject: Re: Dating an older woman
Organization: The Cultural Elite
	<1992Sep26.002219.43352@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu>
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 20:57:11 GMT

David Caruso II writes:
>Isaac Corban writes:
>> Heres the story.  I'm a guy in his mid 20's and I've recently started dating
>> a woman in her upper 30's (maybe 40? I haven't asked).  The difference in
>> age doesn't bother me but there is one thing that has me a little concerned.
>> She is divorced with two children, an 18 year old daughter and a 12 year old
>> son.  If you stop and think about the fact that the I'm closer in age to the
>> daughter than to the woman I'm dating, well I'm worried about how her kids
>> are going to react.  Intellectually I believe that it should not matter.
>> Years of conservative social indoctrination has got me confused about the
>> entire situation though.  Anyone out there been in a similar situation?
>> anyone got any advice for me?

>	When it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is you and
>her.  No one else.  The greatest outside influence on your relationship is
>obviously the viewpoint of the people whos' opinions are important to you
>and her.  If you can honestly look yourself in the eye and answer this
>question with a "yes," then best of luck to you:  Can and will I be
>comfortable seeing this woman in the presence of the people who mean the
>most to me? 

	It sounds to me like his problem is that he's worried *she* won't
feel comfortable seeing him in the presence of the people who mean the
most to *her*.  Isaac, I think you are smart to think about this, but
with some luck and a little thought on everyone's part, it shouldn't be
a problem.  I disagree that "the only thing that matters is you and her",
especially in the case of kids (although the next few sentences above
seem to contradict this, anyway).  She probably won't be happy if her
kids are miserable, even if she thinks they're being unreasonable.  
Hopefully, though, her kids are mature enough to think about her happiness
too, and that will work in your favor.  If it ever gets to be a problem,
it might help for her to point out to her kids that it makes her happier
to be involved with you, and she doesn't want to lose that.
	As for specifically worrying about the age stuff, I'd think
it would depend a lot on just what their reactions are.  I bet the 12-
year-old won't care at all -- he probably thinks of you as old anyway :).
I haven't been at either end of the specific situation you mention --
dating someone older with kids, or having my parent date someone closer
to my age -- but I've had stepparents, and a lot of my friends have, too,
of course.  The most common problems I've seen stem from the kid's 
perception (sometimes correct, sometimes not) that parent's SO is either
acting like a parent without the "right" to, or being patronizing, or
both.  If you are just straightforward and treat the 18-year-old more
or less the same way you would if she were your friend's sister instead
of her daughter, you will probably avoid these pitfalls.  If it seems
to bother her about the ages, you may want to resort to some sort of
wry humor ("yes, it is sort of funny, isn't it?") rather than to pretend
you never noticed any oddness at all.  Don't try to pretend to be 40;
I think most 18-year-olds would see right through that.  "Just be 
yourself..." <grin>
	Probably you'll get some cues from the kids (and the mother) 
themselves about what to do as you go along.  Remember that things like
ages strike you more forcibly when you know nothing else about the 
person, so any awkwardness will probably dissipate rather than grow
with time.  The exception would come if one or both of the kids is hostile
to the idea of their mom going out with *anyone*, and they are looking
for an excuse to object, but in the unlikely event that you have serious
problems like that, it's really something she and they would need to work
out.
	Good luck!

> David Caruso II  Email: gimble@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu

--- Julie (no relation to anyone else who posts to this group, as far as
	   I know   :)  )
-- 
I wonder why it is that when I plan a route too carefully it goes to pieces,
whereas if I blunder along in blissful ignorance aimed in a fancied direction
I get through with no trouble.
				--- John Steinbeck (Travels with Charley)