From: geroldf@sdd.hp.com (Gerold Firl)
Subject: Re: self esteem and being ok for me
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1992 19:33:54 GMT

dlack@eagle.wesleyan.edu(debbie) writes:

<wrenching ramble deleted. It hurt to read this stuff. I'm glad you wrote 
it. I feel like I need to respond, but I really don't know what to say. 
It's like you're asking all the right questions, but you already know all
the answers. The question and answer follow each other in the closed loop,
but you're stuck going round and round. How to jump off? 

I have the suspicion that what I say here isn't going to do you any good.
My only consolation is that I really believe that you *do* have the strength,
the will, and the intelligence to find the path to healing. Your reply to
the person who wanted to help her friend out of an abusive relationship was
right on the money. Physician, heal thyself, ya know?

What I want to do is take a couple of the lines you wrote and reflect them 
back to you. Maybe they'll look different when you're reading them instead
of writing them. The outside perspective can help; try and look at them from
my point of view.>


> I'm a goddamn good actress, wouldn't you say. 

Too goddamn good. Why act? It's fun sometimes, but if it's not fun, don't do
it. All of your emotions are there for a good reason. When you walk into a
wall, that bump on your head is a gift from a long line of ancestors, who
are telling you "Been there. Done that. Didn't like it." If something hurts,
say ouch. Say no. Say BACK OFF! Trust yourself, and your feelings. Let it
all hang out. I don't think you're going to hurt anyone.


>Is there a clause in self esteem that says it's ok to say no? 

Yes. I hate to say no when someone asks me for help. But if they're asking me
to do something that I think is wrong, then I have no qualms about saying no.
Maybe it's my egotism, but it seems like if it's wrong for me, then it's 
wrong for them. I'm not blaming you here, but if you had told your first 
rapist NO, you both would have been better off in the long run. Take the long
view, then do what's right.

>that it's ok to put my needs first? 

Yes.

>that it's ok to cry afterwards if it was a mistake?. 

Yes. And this is important. You've made mistakes. So what? I've made so many
mistakes that I've grown rather fond of them. I don't worry about making 
mistakes. I've learned more from my mistakes than my successes. Success is
the culmination of a series of mistakes. Go ahead. Cry about your mistakes.
If you had help in committing the mistake, be sure and share your tears. 
Your co-blunderer needs to know also. But there is no such thing as a mistake
which cannot be forgiven. Forgive yourself. Every time you wake up in the 
morning you are a new person. With every breath you are a new person. You 
don't have to be held captive by your past.  

I think I'm due for a cliche break. Know thyself, and the truth shall set
you free. 


>sorry to have rambled and bored y'all if you read this.

Hey, lay off with the self-depreciation, ok? Somehow it doesn't come across
as sincere. I guess that's good, since sincere self-depreciation is a terrible 
thing; but the self-pity trip is a bummer. You're a complex person, with 
enough intelligence to see how to get out of the pit. 

So do it.

best of luck to you - gerold
-- 
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----   Gerold Firl @ ..hplabs!hp-sdd!geroldf