From: dnelson@icaen.uiowa.edu (David Nelson)
Subject: Re: molestor wants to help victim
Organization: Iowa Computer Aided Engineering Network, University of Iowa
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.4.19
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 12:33:51 GMT

an3806@anon.penet.fi writes:

> ... I was the one who molested my friend.
> I would like some net advise on how to help my friend ...

I laud your courage for speaking up in this group.  It was prudent to
ask advice of those for whom recovery is a familiar way of life.


> I asked him how he could still think of me as a friend and he says
> it's because he does not associate those things I did with me.  I
> think that's how I lived with it, too....

A fairly common defense mechanism on the part of both of you.


> I know what I did was wrong and I've always been ashamed, but since my
> friend started talking about it and how he can't get it out of his
> head, I haven't been able to escape my feelings of guilt and shame.  I
> feel like I've taken away not only 8 years of my friend's life, but
> his future as well.  I am not able to live with myself and have been
> thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if a car ran me over.  But that
> wouldn't help any.  We are still (remarkably) very close friends.

I hear the regret in what you write.  Yes, you messed up.  Now, what
are you going to do about it?  And it sounds like you're taking some
steps in that direction just by posting on asar.

Maybe you've robbed him of a lot, but he *is* still alive.  Survivors
are just that: survivors.  His recovery is *his* business, not yours.
Your business is taking care of yourself and growing/healing so such
abuse can't happen again.  You've already started that process by
coming out of the closet and acknowledging your wrongful actions.  And
you won't be able to atone for anything by beating yourself up with
guilt. 


> How can I help him?  How can I teach him to trust again?  How can
> he learn it can be safe to get close to people?

You probably can't teach him anything at this point.  That's hard to
accept, but your strongest *possible* future influence on him will be
in the way of showing him rather than telling him anything.


> ...  I just want to help my friend and give
> him back a piece of what I took away.

You probably can't "give" him anything in the way I hear you saying
it.  What you *can* do, I enumerate below.  He will have to find his
own healing and reclaim his power for himself.


> Please respond to a.s.a.r. rather than to me. Thanks.

You asked, I'll give you my *opinion*.  These are just *suggestions*
although I wrote them in a blunt imperative form.  Take what you like,
and leave the rest.  I can only tell you what *I* would have wanted
from my abuser.

Okay.  Number one, what's done is done.  At some point you'll have to
accept that and quit hitting yourself over the head about it (re: guilt
and shame).  If it's any consolation, from what you've said it doesn't
sound as though there was much of a power differential ifyou both were
in college, so if there is a measurement for this sort of thing, what
you did probably wasn't as damaging as other forms of abuse.  However,
betrayal, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  So only the
survivor can really assess the damage.

I'm glad that you're out of the closet.  No one can grow when they're
burdened by guilt, shame, and fear.  Probably the most important thing
of all is that you learn to accept and love yourself, and forgive
yourself for past wrongs.  Make amends, but do it out of self-interest
and self-love.  Take the energy of all that regret and channel it into
your own recovery.

Secondly, don't go to him for support.  It's inappropriate and a form
of revictimization of him.  Find your own shrink and/or support
network for this stuff.  

Thirdly, let *him* define your relationship within reason.  Let *him*
be the one to tell you what he needs.  Give him what he needs in the
way of recovery and friendship, but don't make yourself into an
emotional punching bag.

Don't grovel.  Don't throw your life away out of a misbegotten sense
of guilt.  Don't let your guilt and need for atonement drive you into
pestering him.  If you *must* atone for what you've done, do it
appropriately, don't mask that need by being over-solicitous to *him*.
Don't say "I want to help you" when you really mean "forgive me!"  You
could start a perp support group or something.

Fourth, educate yourself.  Read the books such as _Victims No Longer_
and the others mentioned in the FAQ file for this newsgroup.  You may
or may not find that you are a victim yourself.  You can't help him
appropriately unless you *know* what he really needs.  He may not be
able to know this clearly for some time, and when he *does* know, it
may take him some time to be able to voice it.

_Courage to Heal_ has a section in it for the supporters of survivors.
Read it and do what it says.