From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  7/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:14 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for
over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on.
When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children,
all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The
computer never called again.

115
     I had a friend who liked to play with the phones.  He got his girlfriend
to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:
     "I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service.  Will
      you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..."
     He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.

116
I once answered the phone as follows.
" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?"
After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click.  About five minutes
later, the phone rang again.  This time my roommate answered.  It was the same
person that had called a few minutes earlier.  It turned out that the long
delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his
next call.  He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to
call us.  I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...

117
     My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight,
waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer.
Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated,
with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy,
whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy
living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't
believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to
Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.
     This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang,
my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and
got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and
quick, and went something like this:
     "Hello?"
     "Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
     "No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing
the baby."

118
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"

119
     My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask:  "Are you a telemarketer?"  The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes.  I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistent) telephone ear-cushion.
     I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
     Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.

120
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone
solicitors.  My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave
permission to post it:
     "My time is billed at $125 per hour.  To continue this
     conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card
     type and date of expiration."
Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless.  One guy replied, "Hey,
that's good; I'll have to remember it."  Once a supervisor of
telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of
high-powered lawyer."
121

Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What
goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and
embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is
discovered, with it going something like this:

caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."
me:                     "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."

122
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:

<Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?

123
Try the following next time the phone rings:

You (when you answer):  Hello, is Jimmy there?

Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.

You: Oh.  Sorry.

Caller: No problem... (click)

124
(Use a strong east Indian accent)

Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...).
I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and
which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of
the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when
the stars align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

125
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh!  Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes!  Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.


126
(1) "Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just
kidding.  This is an answering machine. (etc.)"

127
(2) "Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil."  (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  "OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"

128
Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice."  (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".)  Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"

129
I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment:
I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris.  I can't come to the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the tone.  -EEEEE-" -- that
last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name,
phone number, and message, and hang up.  I went back to what I'd been
doing.

130
        Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
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