From: davidc@montagar.com (David L. Cathey)
Newsgroups: tx.general,austin.general
Subject: Tormenting Telemarketers (was Re: Caller-ID discussion)
Date: 4 Jan 93 18:58:42 CDT
Distribution: tx
Organization: Montagar Software Concepts, Plano TX


	     Tormenting Telmarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!

	Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer.  The new Scourge of
the Telephone System.  Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered
if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell.  Well,
the time has come to turn the tables.  We need to take control of our own
phones.  We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

	Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.
		If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy
		what you are selling.

	Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can.  For each
		minute that you waste, means several potential customers that
		will not be reached.  Make Telemarketing unprofitable.  Hanging
		up only increases the changes for them to make a sale.  Don't
		let this happen!

	Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making
		minimum wage, and reads a script.  Let them finish.  It's
		easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't
		using your phone anyway.  It's easy to keep them interested
		using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.

	Scoring:

	    Basic Point System:
		For each minute spent on the phone		 10 pts.
		Getting transfered to someone who makes
			more than minimum wage			 15 pts
		For each minute spent on the phone with
			person making more than minimum wage	 25 pts

	    Bonus Points:
		Getting them to repeat part of the "script"	  5 pts/each
		Getting answers to stupid questions		 15 pts/each
		Changing the subject		 		 50 pts/each
		Making the sales person angry			175 pts
		Making the sales person use profanity	        750 pts
		Get their boss on the phone, and tell them
			the salesman used profanity	       1500 pts
		Getting their 1-800- number			 10 pts
		Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as
			a free "Phone Sex" line			 50 pts
		Checking the number a week later and it is
			busy or disconnected		       5000 pts

	Example:

		<Ring>
		Me:	Yes?
		Them:	Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning
			and we're in your area [...]
[start clock->]	Them:	[...] would like to know it you are interested?
		Me:	Sure...
		Them:	Well, we are currently offering [...]
		Them:	[...] depending on the size of the rooms.
		Me:	Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts!]	Them:	Let me transfer you to <???>
		Them:	Sir?
		Me:	Yes?
[25 pts/min!]	Them:	How large is your house?
		Me:	Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
		Them:	[...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?]	Me:	It won't hurt the floor, will it?
		Them:	Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...]
			and is completely safe.
[stupid ?]	Me:	Even with my pets?
		Them:	Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
		Me:	Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
		Them:	Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!]	Me:	But the original offer was for $39.95, does that
			include treating for pets?
		Them:	[...]
[subject change]Me:	Well, it is kindof dirty.  The guys were over for
			the game.  Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
		Them:	Yes.
		Me:	What a game!  That last touchdown pass!  Wasn't that
			a great play?	
		Them:	Well, back to your house...
		Me:	Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
		Them:	[...]
[subject change]Me:	Do you clean furniture, too?  Those guys spilled some
			beer.  Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?
			But what a game, eh?!  I couldn't believe that they
			couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
			[...]
[angry???]	Them:	Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
		Me:	Well, when could you come out?
		Them:	How about next week?
		Me:	Hmmm...  Morning or afternoon?
		Them:	Either would be fine.
		Me:	Do you have anything the week after?
		Them:	Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]

		Me:	Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all
			hardwood floors here!
		Them:	Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>
		<click>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
David L. Cathey		                |INET: davidc@montagar.com
Montagar Software Concepts              |UUCP: ...!montagar!davidc
P. O. Box 260772, Plano TX  75026-0772  |Fone: (214)-618-2117
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
David L. Cathey		                |INET: davidc@montagar.com
Montagar Software Concepts              |UUCP: ...!montagar!davidc
P. O. Box 260772, Plano TX  75026-0772  |Fone: (214)-618-2117