Newsgroups: bit.listserv.autism
Date:         Mon, 17 Aug 1992 09:33:00 EST
              <AUTISM@SJUVM.BITNET>
From:         "V70A::DOMINGUERR" <DOMINGUERR%V70A.decnet@NPT.NUSC.NAVY.MIL>
Subject:      Re "Sibling Interactions"
X-To:         autism <autism%sjuvm.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu>

Daniel,

I truly understand your anguish with your two boys. I also have two
sons my oldest now 8 going on 9 and my youngest 5 going on 6. my
oldest son ,HFA boy, has often found himself tormented by his younger
brother. Torments range from simply saying things that are not true
and that Nick (my oldest son) knows to be untrue to turning off the
Nintendo game when Nick is in the middle of or close to the end of
beating the adventure. Needless to say the latter would send Nick into
a furry and result often in physical violence to Nathan (our younger
son). Nathan quickly learned to restrict his teasing.
  However we could not ignore the way Nick responded and had to punish
him also. Usually time out on a chair for a given amount of time, most
of which we would spend talking to him trying to calm him and point
out more acceptable alternatives.
  As they have gotten older Nathan still finds great delight in
teasing Nick and Beth (his older sister now 9 going on 30). We have
found that most of the teasing occurs during times when Nathan is
board and is trying to engage Nick in playing with him and Nick
prefers to do other things. I wish I could say that the teasing has
gotten less but Nathan is persistent. As he is getting older his forms
of teasing are also getting more subtle but just as annoying to Nick.
Nick however has learned to tell us when Nathan is teasing (for the
most part).
  The way we explained it to Nick was to think of Nathan as a puppy dog.
Little puppy dogs just love to play. When you are playing with them
they are happy as a clam (an expression we had to explain). However
when you leave them alone to do something else there all over you.
Nipping at your cloths, jumping in your face etc. But they don't really
mean any harm. This seemed to help.
  It is really nice to see them play together and I am glad that Nick
has a younger brother. Bethany his best friend till now is getting
beyond wanting to be with him all the time and we can't blame her. She
has her friends and has every right to be with them and play the games
they like to play. Though she still from time to time still plays very
well with Nick and Nathan although it has to be by her terms and her
rules.
  Nathan however just loves to play and to go with the flow. I find
him to be a lot more accepting toward Nick's occasionally
unconventional play than any one else. For this I am very grateful. I
find it help me also to think of Nathan as a puppy dog when he is in a
teasing mood it makes it easier for us all to take it for what it is
and not too seriously.
  I Know I haven't given any answers. I don't really think there are
any. But I often found it helpful to know that my problems were not
unique. That I wasn't being a terrible parent and raising a monster
(thoughts I often had). We have found that within the fundamental love
of a family a lot more can be accepted, tolerated, and dealt with than
can be from the outside world. For no matter what is done there is
really no malice of intent no real desire for alienation. They are
after all just children who we love dearly and who want to be
included.

Bob D.
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU