HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: tyger@netcom.com (Kristen Kohlbecker)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: RE FYI Teachers Courts & Afterwards
Date: 23 Jan 93 23:13:46 GMT
Organization: Boogie Rats on Speed

anon-1515@twwells.com (Aardvark) writes:
>Fletcher sez of the article about the teacher found not-guilty:
>>I am not sure what the purpose of this post is, so excuse me if I am
>>making unwarrented assumptions.
>
>I read that article and thought it was included so we could all give 
>kudos to the school boards that refused to rehire the teachers.  The 
>courts are often corrupt.  I'm glad the school boards are trying to 
>protect kids.

Now if they would only teach them something of value, all would be peachy...

The school boards are out to do what is going to get them re-elected, and 
anyone that thinks differently is severely deluded. The public at large, not
knowing all the facts of the case, and all too eager to discount the fact
that this man was found innocent, would certainly not want this man teaching 
their children, and so he is blacklisted.

One of the "standards" for conviction is that it must be proven beyond a
reasonble doubt that the convicted has committed a crime. If this doesn't
happen, he/she ought to be acquitted. 

Justice ideally is not about "*get* that slimy mofo!", but that is what many
seem to want it to be. Obviously, the truly guilty should be punished, but
all too often, the stigma of even having been accused of a serious crime
can ruin a person for life. 

Among other unpopular beliefs I hold, I believe the Buckeys (State vs. McMartin
Preschool) were indeed innocent of the crimes they were accused of, which got
more and more outlandish as the case wore on. Perhaps it is because I was 
caught by a similar legal circus daring to call itself a trial, but I'm almost
certain that absolutely zippo of note happened at the school.

I am so very tired of an accusation that ruins a person for life, even after
acquittal, that I could scream. I was accused on paper, and was threatened
with a lawsuit over, alleged abuse of my daughter. I suppose that I ought to
be thankful that I am nobody of note outside of San Diego County, otherwise
I might still be unemployed. I was never brought to trial, or formally accused,
but the fact that someone was contemplating it made the local papers. 

Now if someone wants to believe that if I was accused I *must* have done it, 
well that is *their* loss. I haven't the time or inclination to change the 
mind of every narrow person I have the misfortune of running into.

Tyger
>
>-Aardvark 
>
>
>
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-- 
      Kristen Kohlbecker    And I would choose to be with you
      tyger@netcom.com      That's if the choice were mine to make   
                            But you can make decisions too
      A Tyger and a Lady    And you can have this heart to break
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: incest, denial, and a book review
Date: 20 Jan 93 22:45:01 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <C0x3x4.MAo@twwells.com>, anon-1428@twwells.com (stone) writes:
>The book _Incest-Related Syndromes of Adult Psychopathology_ was
>reviewed by Dr. Donald Nathanson in _The American Journal of
>Psychiatry_ (Feb. 1992). I wanted to quote a piece of his
>review, because he recognized this feeling of "non-humanness"
>but from the treator's viewpoint.
>
><Remainder of article deleted to save bandwidth>

Sounds like a good book...  If your willing to post a shorter review of it,
I'll include it verbatum in the FAQ.  (This is to long for me to use, and not
having read the book myself, I'm unsure of how it should be edited.)

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
From: anon-1428@twwells.com (stone)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: what should we remember about childhood?
Date: 27 Jan 93 23:18:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

First off, I am very grateful that this group is "out there."  I
have access through my job, and since work/school (performance) has
always felt stressful to me--this place is a comfort.  A while back I
read something about "hypervigilance" and I guess that's what goes on
with me, when I am around people, and don't feel *SAFE* for whatever
personal reason. (What do they think of me--am I somehow evil, etc.)
Is my anger (are my angers) showing, that is one I deal with, too!

Anyway, I *just* "remembered" about the attic that used to be on the
same floor as our bedrooms.  This is so weird for me. I don't know
whether it "means" anything.  I have already dealt with abuse that
happened that I did remember--and that was indeed corroborated by
others--but this memory, or whatever, is mystifying.

POSSIBLE SPOILER***************************************************















Number One, I think  attics, uh-oh, a place for "bad stuff" to have
happened to a little girl.

Then I think, I don't remember anything bad, and maybe I am just
entertaining a suspicion, but why until this moment had I
completely forgotten about that entire side of the hall?

I don't know why I STILL cannot remember *SO MUCH* of my childhood.
In so many ways, I have made great strides in the past 10 years
toward "healthy personhood" -- so why does so much remain invisible
and like I did not exist until age 10? (I never forgot my brother's
abuse of me at this age).  And it was not until a graduate nursing
student (doing research) asked me about my brother that I considered
whether abusive acts might have been directed at him.

It can't hurt me- it's in the past.


Stone













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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aakin@lonestar.utsa.edu (Ashley T. Akin)
Subject: When Innocence Dies
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 06:11:54 GMT


When Innocence Dies


The Battle was over
The Unicorn had won
But, his Horn
Lay, broken...Shattered
And, his Heart was slowing.
He staggered forward,
The Light draining from his Eyes
And collapsed...Dead
While the Heavens
Screamed in Pain.


--------------------

Ashley Taylor Akin


9/10/88
From: anon-1546@twwells.com (LittleBear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: to dnelson about will
Date: 22 Jan 93 20:41:44 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Dave, since, as an abused person, your will was fucked with, it isn't
surprising that you can't just "will" yourself to heal. Your "will"
probably doesn't work like you'd like it to.

Courage and strength to you as you move through the funk. Thanks for
speaking the unspeakable for me.



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From: anon-1557@twwells.com (Luke)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: please advise me
Date: 27 Jan 93 16:20:08 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


I am unable to love my wife. I have no emotions...they all seem bottled up
somewhere inside me, and I don't know how to feel them...I want to feel
the pain within me, and grieve, so that I can be more loving, more
emotional, but I don't know how. I must be afraid of facing the pain, for
I have bottled it up for 20 years now. And only now I am realizing this!

Please give me some advice.

- Luke



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From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Lost Email
Date: 20 Jan 93 21:13:08 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hiho...  This message is refering to a problem with my Net feed, so if you
don't communicate with me via Email it's safe to hit "n" now.  Please forgive
the usage of the bandwidth, but many of the people I communicate with via Email
read this newsgroup religiously...  :)

At any rate, if anyone out there is trying to send Email to me, please be aware
that I may not be receiving it.  I try to reply to each and every piece of
Email that I get, so if you don't get a reply, I probably didn't get your
message.

If you should get a message back (from some machine or another) saying that it
can't deliver the Email to me, PLEASE post the message here!  I need those
messages to pass on to the upper level Net Administrators so the problem can be
fixed...

Thanks in advance!

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
From: anon-1595@twwells.com (whoami)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: is she or isn't she?
Date: 24 Jan 93 21:51:13 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Announce: yes
ANON-Name: whoami

This is my first post.  I have read the FAQ, and this group
for awhile.  

The thing is, I just plain don't know if I was abused as a
child or not.  Obviously, I wouldn't be reading or posting
here if I didn't think maybe I was.....  Is it obnoxious of
me to say that I find the NOT KNOWING to be the worst part?
At one point, about a year ago, I decided to try and forget
the issue of "whether or not" and just assume I *was*, and 
then proceed from there and try to heal.  This has been 
helpful.  But I feel shame and guilt for maybe appropriating
the pain that I may have no right to feel.

I'm not sure in my case that the FAQ is correct when (I
think) it said that if you think you were, it's likely
you really were.  There are lots of reasons, that I know
about consciously and have never repressed, for me to be
pretty screwed up.  My childhood was not too pleasant, due
to a parent with some sort of emotional disturbance (seems
like manic-depressive or really bad PMS... just like me)
Also, I was molested (raped, depending on your definition)
at 16 --- once, by a stranger.  I have told that to maybe 
10 people in the world up till now --- now thousands know,
but not my name.  Anyway, in the past I've been through a 
lot of the stuff we see here - cutting, suicide attempts,
drug use, etc etc.  Now I am doing a lot better, but am still
sort of obsessed with the issue....

The wonderful support and caring I see in this group gives 
me some courage to try and resolve this issue.  If you folks
can deal with the things you've posted about, I can probably
deal with whatever I may have been hiding from myself.  Or
accept that other stuff screwed me up, and move on from there.

I would like to hear something about other people's remembering,
if they want to tell it.  I can't ask anyone else to answer my
question, but maybe I'll learn how to answer it myself?  Or
is it appropriate here to talk about the other thing I mentioned
(that pesky little rape thing from high school.....;-) and
get support?  I don't think the net group talk.rape is supportive
or flame-free enough for me.  

Don't be put off by what may seem like lack of emotion in this
post.  I have to keep it in, I can't let it out now, it would
consume me.  Thank you for being here, really.



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From: anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: I'm a perpetrator, too
Date: 24 Jan 93 14:39:51 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9415


***Spoiler Warning*** (I should have had that in the subject, too, 
but I forgot, sorry 'bout that)

Graphic language and a sick story follow:















I'm a perpetrator of sexual abuse.  I was abusing again last night and I
feel so guilty about what I do to my victim over and over and over.



I was sexually abused when I was a little boy.  From then on I was
an abuser.  I keep abusing that little boy inside me and it makes me
disgusted with myself.

Last night I made him read alt.sex.stories and alt.sex.bondage -- the
more disgusting and violent the story, the better.  He hates to read
things like that, but I love it.  I make him feel disgusted and perverse
and degraded.  Humiliated.

Then I took him  to bed.  I forced him to submit to bondage, tying his legs
together and blindfolding him.  I forced things into his mouth and anus --
the larger and more painful the better -- and made him masturbate over and
over until his penis was sore and bleeding.  I got off on that until I was
exhausted.  

This morning I am disgusted with myself.  For all the things I do to that
little boy and the pleasure I get from it.  I tell myself, "No more.  Don't
do that to yourself any more.", but I know I will.

I've been treating him like this for years and years.  I try to tell 
myself it could be worse.  At least I haven't abused anyone else.  The
chain of abuse (well this one, anyway) has been stopped here.  At least
I'm not cutting myself (I never knew about cutting until I read asar; I
was revolted when I first heard about it, but I think I feel some of the
same motivations).  

But doesn't he deserve better?  That little boy is so
wonderful.  He's the best part of me.  He's where my feelings come from
and he's creative and funny and a joy to be with.  And I treat him so
poorly.  

I wish I understood why.  I wish I knew my motivations better and could
just stop.  I write to asar and act as though I'm doing OK, but I'm not.
I'm just as bad as those who abused the victims in this group.  I just
feel disgusted.

Jazzman



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From: h234_035@ccvax.ucd.ie
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: from [BOB] to all of us: Good luck
Date: 25 Jan 93 17:09:39 GMT
Organization: University College Dublin

This is just [BOB] (and Brian) thanking all of you for the support you have
given me since I first posted in November.
It has only been two months, but there is a big change in me lately, partly
thanks to having this forum for expressing my feelings (There are, of course,
other factors, but I believe in giving credit where credit is due)
I realise I have a long way to go yet, but now that I have acknowledged my
child I feel I have made a major step forward.
I have shared much pain in this group, now I think it is time to share a little
happiness.
To all of us: good luck in our healing

e-hugs to you all, if you want them
...
(Come on, take a few more, there are plenty here to go around) :-)

Again, good luck and thank you.
[BOB]
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: ashamed
Date: 23 Jan 93 23:19:51 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

i cut again yesterday..
don't know what i was thinking
and this time almost got caught
i locked my roommate out and she was at the door
still glad she did come along...
if not i might not have stopped

no i'm not trying (that's just not possible anymore so that idea is put out of
my head)
but just hurting myself (again)

yes i'm ashamed yes i wish i hadn't but it's much too late for that now
thought all the guilt from last time was enough to stop me 
but i was wrong
all guilt self love hate anything
was just shut off 

and then it was done
didn't i even fucking realise
what i was doing?
(can't believe i said that..never say that word unless i'm like this and i hate
that)
but this time i told about it right away
really really didn't want to
so ashamed knew everyone would be mad and hurt
forgot that it wasn't just me i was doing this to
that was worst of all
its not just me i cut 
it was my so and little me and you and you 
and everyone who ever tried to help me
because it just feels like i threw it all back and said i'm just not worth it
you're wasting your time
and its the hell useless
so much human wreckage
and it's just asinine
because i don't have any reason to do this
i'm not sick
i'm not abandoned
people *care*
i'm not exactly failing out
i made it through the semester (thought i wouldn't)

so i guess the real question is why
i hate who i am
hate what i've become
a twisted mess of cutting fear hiding sickness
is this who i really am?

should just shut up and listen to people with real problems

sorry about all this screwed up stuff i wrote

was supposed to just let everyone know i'm still here

instead feel like i betrayed everyone

i guess all that's left for me to say is how sorry i am..

take care everyone
there is still love in the world
as long as you are here
darkangel



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From: anon-1325@twwells.com (Solace)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Covers
Date: 22 Jan 93 06:24:31 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


A trailing thought to a friend offering support I thought worth repeating:

Covers protect me from reality, but rarely from the pain, yet covers seem
to keep me sane (unless I let them feed my pain)...
Under cover, I remain,
(desperately seeking) Solace



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ullman@netcom.com (Sarah Ullman)
Subject: FOR LOS ANGELES WOMEN ONLY
Organization: UCLA Dept of Psychology
Distribution: ca
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 22:51:13 GMT

THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT IS FOR LOS ANGELES AREA WOMEN ONLY:
--------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever felt pressured or forced to have sexual intercourse or
other sexual experiences when you did not want to?

Female volunteers age 18 or older who had this experience at least  
1 year ago are needed for an anonymous 45 minute mail survey.

Please call Dr. Sarah Ullman at the Department of Psychology at UCLA
(310)-825-9125
From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: myth of poohbear
Date: 22 Jan 1993 01:26:37 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:

>now even when she is truthful about how bad she is
>she is still not believed

*i* believe you, poohbear.  maybe some people have trouble believing you, but
that's *their* problem.  i believe you completely.  i know you're not lying to
us. 

[ rest deleted ]

hang in there, poohbear.  for what it's worth, i think you're doing better than
you were last december...
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: agape@igc.apc.org (Jean Riseman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'm a perpetrator, too
Date: 25 Jan 93 22:51:00 GMT
Nf-ID: #R:C1D4qH.43C@twwells.com:1904582490:cdp:1519600021:000:623
Nf-From: cdp.UUCP!agape    Jan 25 14:51:00 1993


Your post is so sad. Maybe looking atit a bit differently might help.

When stuff like that comes up for me, I try not to think of
it as me perping on me. I try to think of it as a
disguised memory, hints of what was done to me in
the past. Unfortunately, the hints are all too 
accurate.

It's not your fault sexual arousal & pain were paired
for you as a kid. That was DONE TO YOU by somebody
else. Your challenge is not to break that pairing
(I doubt if early imprinting can be done).
Your challenge is to expand what you are capable
of, so that non-abusive sex can be plesurable
and rewarding...and sexy, too.

Jeannie
From: anon-1349@twwells.com (Mary)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: PearlJam - Ten
Date: 24 Jan 93 19:49:28 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

For several months now Pearl Jam's CD "Ten" has been my favorite music and
I would like to recommend this CD to those of you who are into metal or
alternative music (others might like this CD anyway - simply due to the 
rich lyrics offered).  Some of the songs on the CD might deserve spoiler
warnings, both the lyrics and Eddy Vedder's vocals are *very* intense.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, or only slightly familiar, with Pearl 
Jam - many of the songs on this CD reflect some of the horrors that childhood
has to offer.  For example

1.  "Why Go" is about involuntary psychiatric hospitalization.
2.  "Jeremy" is a powerful song about emotional abuse/neglect and suicide.
3.  "Alive" also reflects emotional abuse/neglect, as well as sexual abuse and
    repressed memories:

         Oh, she walks slowly
         across a young man's room
         She said "I'm ready..for you"
         I can't remember anything
         to this very day
         'Cept the look... the look...
         Now I can't see,.. I just stare.


I also highly recommend the songs "Once," "Black," and "Deep."  As a whole
the CD is raw and compelling, as well as being one of the most powerful
albums I have ever heard.

Mary



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