From: coleman@leland.Stanford.EDU (Michele Coleman)
Subject: Re: Insulting you family?
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 93 19:42:35 GMT

   I also just got back from an occasionally trying family visit.  
Since I personally like reading anecdotal posts about other people's
experiences, here's mine.  If you hate this kind of post, you know
what to do.

   My parents and I met in Boulder for my brother's graduation.  While
there we went to lunch at a great, vegetarian restaurant (The Creative
Cafe).  This is a kindof new-agey, PC place.  When the waitress came
my father glumly ordered "Salad."  Not even a meal salad, just a side
salad.  He denied throughout the meal that he was miserable, or hungry,
and he absolutely refused to try even a bite of my mother's quinoa casserole,
even though she swore it was good.  The rest of us had a great, delicious
meal which we enjoyed, even though I was the only vegetarian.
    On the plane to Ohio, I got my airline vegetarian food, which was pretty
underappetizing.  This engendered a conversation in which I revealed that,
in fact, I eat minimal amounts of cheese, milk, and egg, as well as meat.
My mother seemed taken aback by this notion, and said angrily, "Well, you
can just make your own food then!"
    So in fact I did cook a few meals for the family, without meat, which
seemed to cause my father a certain amount of unhappiness, although never
enough to make him prepare his own meal, although he participated in
the lame, pre-meal "joking" ("You're making spaghetti?  Are you going to
throw some sausage in?").  Anyway, we had spaghetti with vegetables.
A few days later I made rice and beans.  Everyone else was working,
so preparing a meal from scratch officially counted as a big favor; i.e.,
under the tacit rules in the family, people couldn't actually dissuade
me from cooking.  My mother complained, first from work by telephone, 
"Rice and beans?  That's all?  Can I make some sausage to go along with
it?", and later in person, "Rice and beans?  Just rice and beans? 
That's it?  You're having just rice and beans?"  So I relented and made
seasoned potatoes and fruit salad as well.  Despite all the skepticism,
(one sister bought frozen pizza, just in case) the following day two
family members (not dad) saw fit to compliment and thank me, in private.
And they requested that I make seasoned potatoes again, for our Christmas
dinner.  Later I made a pasta salad, but since this was already in the
family repetoire, it met with little resistance, although they felt compelled
to treat it as a side-dish to a meat entree.
    In a separate incident, in a conversation outside of mealtime, my
mother asked if I was looking forward to going back to California, and I
mentioned that it would be nice to be somewhere where people respect the
food I eat.  My mother said, "Well, you don't respect the food we eat."
I was sort of dumbfounded, but on reflection I couldn't deny it:  I have
no respect for putting ham and cheese and mayonnaise on white bread
and calling it a meal ("But with this tomato slice it's got all four food
groups!").
    My steak-loving grandfather was hospitalized for colon cancer.  Later
he told me about a show he had seen on PBS about nutrition, and how it
said you should eat rice and pasta and vegetables, and then he said he 
was going to eat better--which was surprising, but he jokes enough that
I can't be sure if he's serious.  My grandmother, in an independent
conversation, mentioned the show and said they had taped it.  Must have
been some show!  It certainly seemed to make an impression.
    Toward the end of my visit my mother told me she had come to terms
with my vegetarianism.  Apparantly it was so difficult for her because
my sister's been an ethical vegetarian for 16 years, and she's Hindu,
and my mother understands religious conviction, but I wear leather shoes,
and I'm atheist, and I even had a piece of ham on Christmas...but now my
mother has figured out that it's a health thing, not a religion thing.

     I don't have any specific advice for coping with your parents.
Compared to my rejecting my parents' religion, this has been small
potatoes.  I do eat more unhealthy food when I'm with them, partly
because I like the taste (that's why I try not to buy junk food, but
when I'm not doing the shopping--well, I find it much easier to have
willpower for the half hour I'm in the grocery store than for all day
and all evening I'm in my parents' house) and partly because a lot
of my staples are just not available in Ohio.  Mostly I do some cooking,
make some compromises, and realize that before long I'll be back
home and back to my accustomed habits.

--Michele Coleman