From: seanna@bnr.ca (Seanna Watson)
Subject: Re: Child Security and Childcare (was Re: 20/20 and Spanking)
Organization: Bell-Northern Research, Ottawa, Canada
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 17:55:43 GMT

In article <1992Nov9.205321.28626@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Mark Wuest <mdw@trumpet.att.com> writes:
>Geez.  No wonder there are so many flames in this group.
>
>Two people (at least one did it privately) stated that they believed 
>the child I referred to had classical separation anxiety.  Well,
>we've seen it before (though admittedly not in a child this old),
>and this was worse than any I have seen.  I'm not yet convinced
>either way, if only because of *how* strongly the guy reacted and
>because he bonded quickly to other adults when held.
>
Actually, the worst cases of separation anxiety I have seen have been 
in 1.5 to 2.5 yo kids.  I have seen this happen even with kids who
have been going (happily) to daycare and/or church nurseries since 
they were tiny--they can develop separation anxiety for any number
of reasons, very few of which are caused by incompetent or abusive
parenting.  (BTW, toddlers who have been neglected or abused are
frequently quiet and compliant--they have unfortunately learned in
their short lives that complaining either is futile or makes the
situation worse.  But please note that I am not suggesting that 
quiet or compliant children have necessarily been mistreated--some
kids are just naturally like that.)                      

>Now, where did I judge anyone or draw a conclusion?  You guys are
>so eager to flame, that you have to make something up to accuse
>someone of.  The closest thing to a suggestion I got was to read
>on child development (we have and will) before jumping to conclusions
>(I never did - I asked an expert for her opinions on my reservations).
>

Well, here is what you said:

>The next week, he was what we call a "screamer".  We had his aunt go
>around the corner to wait a few minutes to see if he would stop crying.
>He didn't.  In fact, he was so upset he threw up (he wasn't sick).  We
>got his aunt, he stopped.  He stayed with her.  I start worrying about
>his homelife but don't tell anyone.
>...
>I told her
>about my fears that any kid *that* insecure must have *something* wrong    
>going on at home. 

I am not suggesting that you concluded that there was something wrong at
home, as you say, you wondered about it.  You did, however, conclude that
this child was unusually insecure, and you were trying to figure out a
reason for this.  My concern was with this conclusion.  Since you are
not a parent, you presumably do not understand how devastating it can
be to parents to indicate that their child's behaviour appears abnormal,
and even worse, to wonder whether it might be the parents' fault.  To
anyone who is the least bit insecure about their parenting (and I think
that applies to most of us humans), this is an accusation that they
have done something wrong or not done something they ought to have.
As with just about everything else in the universe, "normal" child
behaviour has a continuum on a bell curve.  Most of the kids you see
will be in the centre.  But you will occasionally see those from the
1 percentile on either side.  So maybe 1 in 100 children is so easy-
going that s/he beams at the church nursery workers from the moment
s/he comes in, and only grumbles for 5 seconds when a diaper change
is required--but you probably don't notice this one much, since s/he
does not impinge on your consciousness excessively.  (I have known
parents with babies like this who have to frequently remind themselves
to give the kids enough attention).  Then you get that other 1 in 100
on the other end who simply has a hard time adjusting to change.  This
one, of course, makes your life difficult, so you notice him/her.

I personally reacted to what you said because I have one of those 1
percentile kids.  He is what has been called "spirited": determined,
very perceptive of his environment, and resistant to change.  He is
a great kid when adjusted to a situation, but getting him adjusted
can be quite a challenge (and was moreso for us before we recognized
what was going on).  When he was in 4-year-old kindergarten, his 
teacher told us that she had never seen a 4yo like him in all her
years of teaching (though most of those years she had been teaching
5yo).  We were very concerned about this--we had him evaluated by a
psychologist, and we talked with the same psychologists about our
parenting techniques (all of which was normal), and we felt awful
about the whole thing.  He ended up with a very negative attitude
towards school, which fortunately was turned around by a wonderful
kind and patient 5yo kindergarten teacher.

So please, remember that most parents are doing their best.  Yes, of
course there is abuse, and it is good to watch out for it, and there
are incompetent parents who could use some help, but be careful with
your assumptions.  If I think my child is too much trouble in the church
nursery, I might stay home from church to avoid being a nuisance.  Is
this what you want?  I have, in fact, avoided going to some church
functions because of my concern about how people react to my son's 
behaviour.  It's easier to be assertive with people you don't know,
so I stood my ground when my son was crying loudly in a restaurant
after having been stung by a wasp.  If he had been having a tantrum,
I would have taken him out, but he was hurt, and it was in no way his
fault.  (And we got lots of dirty looks from other patrons, and no 
sympathy from the restaurant staff...but I digress.) But I am sure that 
most people there thought that he was just a spoiled brat, and I was 
an incompetent parent.  I hate to say this, but when you have your
own kids, you will understand--until then, it is very difficult.  (But
thanks for trying.)

-- 
Seanna Watson   Bell-Northern Research, 
(seanna@bnr.ca) Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Opinions, what opinions?  Oh *these* opinions. | It's hard to seize the
No, they're not BNR's, they're mine.           | day when you must first
I knew I'd left them somewhere.                | grapple with the morning.