From: jlewis@astro.as.arizona.edu (Jeff Lewis)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: RE: LJBF and Happiness
Date: 19 Aug 92 22:21:23 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: University of Arizona, Tucson, AZ

In respone to  <1992Aug17.182327.16695@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu> -
In article <1992Aug19.002926.12237@jetsun.weitek.COM> weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver) write -

>I don't think that by being more selfish you will much affect your
>chances of a potential SO becoming a SO. If you are in a LJBF
>situation, then you have made clear to the other person your interest
>in romance, and so the problem is not that your actions are being
>interpreted as unromantic.

Thats very true I think I have made it clear how I feel...or think I feel
and left it pretty much at that..for the time being..I am wondering now if
by not saying anything more that I have given the impression I don't feel that
way anymore. *sigh*

>On other hand, being un-selfish will likely increase your chances of getting a LJBF,
>because you will be more likely to continue on in a relationship with someone who is not
>responding romantically.


The point is I do things for ALL my friends...if I have money..and they don't..and we
want to do something we do it...and they do the same in return when and if they can.
I don't keep track of who paid when..I think its silly to keep score with people who
are suppose to be your friends and who's company is the most important thing. I think
this is true if they are a romantic interest or not. It seems when you throw romance
into the picture..sensabilities get waaay the hell outta wack...and _THAT_ I don't understand
a bit.

>You cannot force someone to be happy, but the flip side of this is that
>you cannot depend on someone else to ensure your happiness.  Only you
>can be responsible for your happiness. This is not because other people
>are selfish and uncaring, but because no one understands your needs
>anywhere near as well as you do.

This is fine in theory...but it is sure not so easy to understand my own needs
and being responable to those around you for your happiness may not be such
a bad thing...if you don't allow someone to make you happy then you run the
risk of shutting yourself off and being alone.


>There is nothing wrong with enjoying making someone else happy. The
>problems come when you take on responsibility for someone else's
>happiness, or expect someone else to take responsibility for your
>happiness....
 
If you are in a relationship, how can you _not_ be responsible for
your SO's happiness..you sure can be blamed for making them unhappy..I think
that a certain amount of responable action in this area is very important to
makeing a realationship work and grow.
 
>...Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness can cause
>you pain, especially if the other person is not ready or unwilling to
>have you interfere with their life....
 
I tend to agree on this point a little.  Your right..you cannot force your
good intentions on someone..but you need to make it clear that you are
there for them..whenever, and for whatever they need no questions asked its
part of being a friend and more a part of being a SO. I have been called
a chump more than once for this attitude..I just don't ask my true friends
why they need a favor..and there are those that think I am being taken
advantage of.

>So if you want to try to make someone happy, by all means go ahead.
>But remember you will be making the other person feel vulnerable,
>and you need to be sensitive to this. And you need to be prepared
>for your effort to be rejected without feeling personally rejected.
 
How can you possibly be prepared for reject without taking it personally?
The very nature of rejection is aimed at the individual themselves..It
_Always_ hurts....and it hurts that much more when you have very strong
feelings for the other person...I am being to think that maybe my definition
of friendship and romance is skewed.
 
It seems that I have been put into a situation of walking a very fine line
between being a `silly overly romantic dreamer` and a chump.
 
 
 
Jeff.
 
Quote of the day -
        "romance is a strange thing..once you figure out how to use it..its gone."
Newsgroups: alt.romance