HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: hloedolf@rkw-risc.cs.up.ac.za ()
Subject: 'n Baie-baie snaaksie grappie
Summary: Lag-lag-lag
Date:  2 Oct 92 18:57:43 GMT
Organization: University of Pretoria, South Africa
Keywords: snaaks, ha-ha

Hierdie is 'n baie snaaksie grappie.  Natuurlik wonder jy hoekom dit
snaaks is, as jy nie wonder nie (gmmf) dan weet jy! lag-lag!

Ek wonder of jy dit so baie geniet as ek; ek lag my nog dood.  (miskien 
moet ek nie te vinnig praat nie, dalk word ek gesluipmoord. (geassissineer)

aaahh, dit was goed.

-Li, your ally

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As jy hierdie kan lees dan is jy nie! - i.e. if you can read this, your'e not!

go ahead, flame away
From: summers%sanctum.cs.utah.edu@cs.utah.edu (Jim Summers)
Subject: Re: Did you ever realize ???
In-reply-to: kml@cellar.org's message of 28 Sep 92 12:39:10 GMT
Organization: U of Utah
Date: 30 Sep 92 16:26:49

In article <ZBaTRB2w164w@cellar.org> kml@cellar.org (Scott Tiger) writes:
   david@c-cat.UUCP (dave) writes:
   > Did you ever realize that there is no blue food found in nature ?
   Actually, yes, I did realize this some time ago, while listening to a
   George Carlin album...

Ahem. 
Blueberries?
^^^^
 Blackberries? 
Well, it says black but it stains blue.
  Rasberries?

LostBoy
jim
From: dh0a@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (DONALD L. HARDY)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Agnostics and Athiests
Date: 6 Oct 92 13:35:57 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>IF THIS DOESN'T STOP, IM GOING TO START THE
>WORST CASCADE EVER.
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>WHILE EATING THIS SLOP, I SEWED THE FIRST
>BROCADE BEAVER.
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>BILE FITTING RIG STOP, LIE SPEWED THIRST LIVER!
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>IF YOU MUST CONTRIBUTE, AT LEAST DELIVER...
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>WHO MAY I ATTRIBUTE TO THIS BEASTLY SLIVER?
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>TO SPAY A LUTE IN A GREASY RIVER
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>DAMN CASCADERS THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>>I WILL NOT CASCADE; NOPE, NO, NEVER
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>>WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, ON A TRAIN?
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>>WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, IN THE RAIN?
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>>R2-D2 ON THE BRAIN?
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>>This cascade is damn insane!
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>>And it's really getting lame!
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>>POST IN CAPS YOU WEIRDOS, WHAT ARE YOU DEAF ? !!!!!!!!!!!!
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>>YOUVE RUINED MY RIGHT EAR, HOW 'BOUT THE LEFT?
>>>> |> > >>>> >>>LEFT AT THE NEXT LIGHTS, UNLESS RED
>>>> |> > >>>> >>THIS SILLY THING IS SOMETHING I DREAD,
>>>> |> > >>>> >>BETTER I SHOULD BE BUSY IN BED !
>>>> |> > >>>> >WANKER, GIVE THY HAND A REST!
>>>> |> > >>>> NAH! THIS AIN'T REC.HUMOR AT ITS BEST.
>>>> |> > >>>SURELY YOU JEST?
>>>> |> > >>THIS IS A TEST.
>>>> |> > >SO BE OUR GUEST.
>>>> |> > TESTING, TESTING, ONE TWO THREE.
>>>> |> RETURN OF THE MONSTER CASCADE, HEE HEE HEE!
>>>> IF WISHES WERE HORSES THEN WHAT WOULD WE BE?
>>> THE ANSWER MUST BE IN UPPER CASE SO THAT ALL CAN SEE.
>>DEPANTS HER IN HASTE SHE HAS TO PEE!
>IF THIS CONTINUES, I MAY HAVE TO FLEE.
STOP THIS! HE CRIED, INDIGNANTLY.
-- 

******************************************************************************

Donald L. Hardy                                    Office of Physical Planning
Project Planner                                    Lehigh University
dh0a@lehigh.edu                                    (215) 758 5110
From: mcelwre@cnsvax.uwec.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS
Date: 29 Sep 92 18:28:48 -0600
Organization: University of Wisconsin Eau Claire

          

                               SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS

          A humorous quote from "THE SECRET LIFE OF PLANTS", [See 
          Footnote.], by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird, 1973, 
          page 38: 
          
          ....."As Sauvin's main problem remained that of getting his 
          plants to be sharply attuned to his person rather than to 
          their immediate environment, when he was away for several 
          days, he had to devise some means of attracting his plants' 
          attention even more effectively than addressing them over the 
          long-distance phone.  As his plants reacted most strongly to 
          any damage done to himself or to any part of his own energy 
          field, he experimented with remotely killing a few cells of 
          his body in the presence of the plants.  The system worked 
          admirably.  The problem was to obtain cells that would remain 
          alive for protracted periods.  Blood worked well enough, hair 
          was difficult to kill, but sperm worked best of all, because, 
          as Sauvin explained, it was easier to obtain than bleeding, 
          and much less painful. 

               "These experiments led Sauvin to wonder if plants might 
          not react just as well to emotions of pleasure and joy as to 
          pain and shock.  Not only was he tired of shocking himself, 
          he was afraid that repeated shocks to his plants, even 
          indirect ones, might be UNPLEASANTLY LOADING HIS KARMA.  
          
          [DITTO for vivisections, animal experiments, etc..]
          
          Sauvin soon found that his plants did react to joy and 
          pleasure, but with wave patterns that were not sharp enough 
          to trigger a switch reliably.  Undaunted, Sauvin decided on a 
          more daring experiment.  DURING A HOLIDAY WITH A GIRL FRIEND 
          AT HIS LAKESIDE COTTAGE HE ESTABLISHED THAT HIS PLANTS, 
          EIGHTY MILES AWAY, WOULD REACT WITH VERY HIGH PEAKS ON THE 
          TONE OSCILLATOR TO THE ACUTE PLEASURE OF [his] SEXUAL CLIMAX, 
          GOING RIGHT OFF THE TOP AT THE MOMENT OF ORGASM.  All of 
          which was very interesting and could be turned into a 
          COMMERCIALLY MARKETABLE DEVICE FOR JEALOUS WIVES TO MONITOR 
          THEIR PHILANDERING HUSBANDS, BY MEANS OF A POTTED 
          BEGONIA.".... 
          
          (EMPHASIS, and comment, added.)
          
          
          Footnote: Chapter 17 is about BIOLOGICAL TRANSMUTATIONS.
                    Chapters 19 and 20 are about RADIONICS/PSIONICS.
                    Entire book is FASCINATING!



               UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this 
          INTERESTING Quote, WITH my comments, is ENCOURAGED.


                                    Robert E. McElwaine     
                                    B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC


Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: s1073200@giaec.cc.monash.edu.au (***Paul Jackson**)
Subject: Re: phone answering
Keywords: phone
Organization: Monash University College Gippsland, Churchill, 3842, Australia
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 01:51:28 GMT

In article <1992Oct5.144216.19540@csd.brispoly.ac.uk> pa_ross@csd.brispoly.ac.uk (Mr Rossy) writes:
>>I thought I'd seen a list in here a long time ago about different things
>>to say when answering the phone; i.e. "Joe's abortion clinic, you rape
>>'em, we scrape 'em" or "In and out burger, may I take your order please?"
>>
>>If anybody has a list, or just a few on their own... please post 'em.
>>
>
>When someone phones up my phone I like two say one of two things :-
>
>"Hello is David there ?", really confuses some people!
>
>"Good evening, you have reached the Rossy lair, mr rossy speaking!", most
>people hang up at this
>
>				 Paul
>				=----=


My fave is the one from the Movie "Ruthless People"
"Hello is ????? there " [A wrong number]
"Yes"
"Can I speak to her?"
"No I'm sorry my dick is in her mouth" [and hang up]

Paul.

*****************************************************************************
** Paul Jackson...                 ** "Well if you like her, what are you  **
** University of Monash,           **      doing here with me? "           **
** Gippsland, Vic. Australia       ** "Exactly!"                           **
** s1073200@giaec.cc.monash.edu.au **                            Boomerang **
*****************************************************************************
From: Larry.Mc.Donald@ofa123.fidonet.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: wanted: catholic jok
X-Sender: newtout 0.02 Sep 21 1992
Date: 25 Sep 92  09:25:04

 ddrasin@silver.ucs.indiana.edu 
   (daniel drasin) sez:

 > I was wondering if anyone had some good Catholic jokes.
 > Perhaps there's even a list of them

   Every friday this priest and this rabbi would go together and fish 
at a nearby lake, so as per their usual arrangement, the rabbi shows 
up at the catholic church to meet the priest. Unfortunately, the 
priest has to do confessional duty that morning and tells the rabbi to 
just wait a few minutes as, usually, nobody shows up to confess. Well, 
the rabbi agrees and goes into the church to wait near the 
confessionals. Not too much later, a very pretty girl arrives and goes 
into the confessional. She tells the priest "forgive me father, for I 
have sinned. I have had sex with three different men."  The priest, 
just wanting to get rid of her (he wasn't one of the three) just told 
her "Put $10 in the donation box and your sins will be absolved." The 
girl is happy and leaves. The next person to the confessional is also 
a young girl, with the same confession: "Forgive me father, for I have 
sinned. I've had sex with three men." The priest tells her the same 
thing, $10 and be gone. Just then the priest gets a phone call and has 
to leave the confessional. He asks the rabbi to fill in for him, so 
they can get out of there faster, which the rabbi reluctantly agrees 
to. While the rabbi is in the confessional, another young girl comes 
in to get absolution. She tells the rabbi, "Forgive me father, for I 
have sinned. I've had sex with two men." The rabbi responds "Well, go 
have sex with another. We're having a three for $10 special today!"



... Larry Mc Donald, N6ZMB, Fullerton, Calif. (cough, cough)
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.10

--- Maximus 2.00
Xref: sparky rec.humor:29941 aus.jokes:1397 alt.folklore.computers:14558 aus.computers:270
From: Boinger@myamy.hacktic.nl (Paul Kolenbrander)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,aus.jokes,alt.folklore.computers,aus.computers
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Date: 28 Sep 92 19:46:47 GMT
Reply-To: boinger@myamy.hacktic.nl (Paul Kolenbrander)
Organization: System Information 2.0 Development
X-NewsSoftware: GRn 1.16e (7/4/92) by Mike Schwartz & Michael B. Smith

In article <1992Sep27.140720.16158@news.columbia.edu> lasner@watsun.cc.columbia.edu (Charles Lasner) writes:
> In article <0TuqRB2w165w@quest.UUCP> srhqla!quest!kdq writes:
> >Boinger@myamy.hacktic.nl (Paul Kolenbrander) writes:
> >
> >Yes, it must come as quite a shock for people who are used to having to
> >hit the reset button every few minutes to realize that most Mac owners
> >don't know where their power switch is.
> 
> Please tell me where the power switch on Mac owners is; there are a number
> of these people I want to switch off.

There is supposed to be a pushbutton switch located on their chin. The only
problem is that it needs a lot of power applied to get it to switch. 8^)

CYa, Paul

     O
   //\/
  \/\  boinger@myamy.hacktic.nl
... /
Gotta Run...
From: madsere@okys.infoserv.com (Rene Madsen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: EINE KLEINE JOCKENPOSTEN
Date: 30 Sep 92 14:21:59 GMT
Organization: Brackton Ltd. Luxembourg

In article <1992Sep22.035353.43827@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu>, gtr0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (GLEN TORLEIF RYEN) writes:
> In article <1992Sep21.034958.6955@wam.umd.edu>, ara@wam.umd.edu (Ford Prefect) w
> rites:
> >In article <1992Sep20.174049.13110@geovision.gvc.com> pt@geovision.gvc.com writ
> es:
> >>mcs4041@zeus.tamu.edu (SHARAT SHEKHAR) writes:
> >>
> >>>     I just made this up :
> >>>     Q) What do you call a Scandinavian bum in France ?
> >>[VERY lame punchline deleted - we've already seen it three too many times]
> >>
> >>I dunno - I thought it was funnier the first two times you posted it...
> >>
> >Yeah, I think it was the way he placed the accent in the right place
> >I give it two thumbs up.
> >
> The really sad part is that the joke is screwed up.  Anyone with any
> reasonable knowledge of any of the Scandinavian languages could tell you that
> "rs" is pronounced like an English "sh."  And who would name their ass Lash?

Sorry Glen, You're wrong there. The 'ars' part of Lars is pronounced
'arse'. Better luck next time (Yes I should know - I'm Danish  ;-) 

-- 
Rene Madsen                
Unix Systems Support/Dev.       
madsere@okys.infoserv.com
From: cmussack@slate.mines.colorado.edu (MUSSACK CHRISTOPHER )
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: 2 Question Purity Test
Date: 6 Oct 92 22:18:00 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Colorado School of Mines

Here is the official 2-question purity test:

1-Have you ever been on the same planet as a member of 
  the opposite sex?

2-Have you ever had sex with more than six individuals at a time,
  with at least one representative from each gender, with 
  representatives from at least five species, with at least 
  two dead, the dead ones being from different species or different 
  genders, with at least two from different races or breeds 
  within a species, with at least four individuals from 
  different species-gender-race combinations watching, with at 
  least four different orifices being penetrated by at least
  three different protrusions, or penetrating with at least 
  three protusions, (hair counts) without knowing the names 
  of at least three of the participants, (dog tags count) in 
  at least four countries and at least two continents, 
  having told at least seven individuals, (school reports 
  don't count, bathroom grafiti does) at least three times 
  within any twenty four hour period?

Count all the "yes" answers, multiply by fifty, and that is your score.
Lower score is more "pure", higher score is less "pure"
From: yyg8104@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Y. Yang)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: How G7 was formed
Keywords: G7,errors
Date: 28 Sep 92 21:05:49 GMT
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana


Heard a funny line today in a classroom.

    Date :Sept. 28, 1992
  Place : classroom for " Fuzzy Logics and Intelligent Engineering Systems "
          UIUC, Illinois, USA

  What : The instructor was presenting a fault-tree which consisted of many
         AND/OR gates. All the gates were numbered. As for gate seven,
         the following was heard " G7 is caused by human errors".
                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 I just wondered then what was the cause for the turmoil two weeks ago in 
 European financial market. :^) :^)


Cheers.

Y. Yang
UIUC,Illinois,USA
From: deepak@konark.njit.edu (D'EE'pak Kakadasam)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: A joke,what else?
Date: 30 Sep 92 12:27:25 GMT
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J.

In article <1992Sep28.222650.16080@wisipc.weizmann.ac.il> jhsegal@wiscon.weizmann.ac.il (Livy) writes:
>How do you put 4 elephants in a little Wolksvagen?
>How do you put 4 elephants in a Volkswagon.

2: What is more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant inside a
   car?


A: Getting the elephant pregnant inside the car.
--
VLSI:=> "Getting High On Low Voltage"       ** 
E15WNJTPXE15x280WXR1TL21NXL4TL17NXR10TL->    **    Those who can, DO
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.**    Those who cant, TEACH.
*******************************************************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson)
Subject: Magic is back!
Organization: ESCOM Corporation
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 22:14:36 GMT

Press conference today at which Magic Johnson announced that he
was going to come back to the LA Lakers, after having been out 
for almost a year after contracting the AIDS virus.

He explained that to save his strength, he would probably play
50 to 60 games, and avoid the "back-to-backs." I hate to have to
explain this to Magic, but it wasn't the "back-to-back" activity
that caused his problem.

Anyway, here's the top-10 reasons he's back:
10. his wife is tired of seeing his sad ass around the house.
 9. he's tired of seeing his wife's fat ass around the house.
 8. he's tired of hanging around with all those losers on
    the AIDS Commission.
 7. some guy named Geno in Las Vegas put a lot of money on the Lakers
 6. he wants to try out that AIDS cure that Michael Jackson
    told him about.
 5. he figures if the Lakers ever do get into the playoffs, he can
    cut himself badly shaving and then drive the lane all night.
 4. his "competitive juices" have been accumulating all this time.
 3. he misses all the bimbos..
 2. its either this, or continue setting fires in downtown LA.

And the number one reason why magic is back:

 1. He figures he can become Secretary of Basketball
    if Bill Clinton is elected.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rbw@fico.uucp
Subject: Re: Frequently answered questions
Reply-To: rbw%fico.uucp@apple.com (Randy Wong)
Organization: The Fair, Isaac Companies, San Rafael, California
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 92 19:01:47 GMT

In article <25201@nntp_server.ems.cdc.com> you@ems.cdc.com writes:
>In article <1992Sep18.123402.2083W@viper.edb.tih.no>, terjej@edb.tih.no (Terje Johansen,o90b) writes:
>|> 
>|> q: What was Custer's last word?
>|> a: 'Okay, what genious of humour put a soap gun in my holster?'
>
>No. They were "Men, Don't take any prisoners!!"


No, no!  Custer's last words were:

"Hey!  Where did THEY come from?"



********************************************                   
* Randy Wong                               *
*                                          *
* rbw%fico.uucp@apple.com                  *
* apple!fico!rbw                           *
* c/o Fair, Isaac and Company              *
* 120 North Redwood Drive                  *
* San Rafael, CA  94903-1996               *
********************************************                             

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: hlow@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Handel Low)
Subject: Re: What's better than roses on a piano?
Organization: Order order
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 16:35:14 EDT

In article <1992Oct1.215239.4433@gumby.dsd.trw.com> suhre@meltami.dsd.trw.com (Maurice E. Suhre) writes:
>In article <1afip7INNerh@early-bird.think.com> paco ojeda <ffoogg@macmailgw.dfci.harvard.edu> writes:
>>What's better than roses on a piano?
>
>Reminds me:
>
>What's worse than having a beetle on your piano?
>
>Having a crab on your organ.



The one I heard was "Tulips on your organ"



Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dbushong@wang.com (Dave Bushong)
Subject: Re: Woody Allen
Organization: Wang Labs, Lowell MA, USA
Date: Tue, 06 Oct 92 13:52:30 GMT

eradm@brahms.Berkeley.EDU (Erik Radmall) writes:

>Joseph Smith was the founder of the Mormon church - Brigham Young was its 2nd prez.
>After J.S. was murdered. He had about 70 wives (must have been nice!).

I've only had two of them and I don't think I'd want 70.

Dave
-- 
Dave Bushong, Wang Laboratories, Inc.
Project Leader, OCR products
Internet: dbushong@wang.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink)
Subject: Re: THESE DAMN CASCADES!
Organization: Turkey Hall
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 13:42:01 GMT

>>cascades are not a part of the charter for 'rec.humor'. Kindly stop posting
>Anyways, all those freshman geeks ain't doing nothing but boasting!
If I post another line, boy will I be toasting!!         (*don flameproof suit*)
-- 
ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu
s1                 s1          h.ed          er.    edu/    kepl         u/
1@kepler.un   du/ss1@   ler.unh.e    s1@kepler.u    du/s    ep    unh.edu/s
@kepler.unh   u/ss1@k       nh.edu/        er.un    u/ss    pler       u/ss
kepler.unh.   /ss1@ke   r.unh.edu/ss1@kep    unh    /ss1    ler.unh.e    s1
eple         /ss1@kep          u/          .unh.ed        pler         ss1@
pler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@kepler.unh.edu/ss1@k
               L          I          V          E          S
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cbarkley@alex (The DarkMage)
Subject: Purity Tests
Organization: Computer Science, Trinity University
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1992 09:58:00 GMT

I begin to suspect that the purity tests are actually figments of people's
imagination since I have yet to find anyone possessing a copy or able to
remember more than 4 or 5 questions.

At any rate, since everyone on here is apparently dying to get them, why
doesn't someone just upload the bloody things?  We can all hit 'n' if
we don't want to read it, and it will flush clear of the system in a week
or so (especially if you set the "Expires" field).

If no one feels like posting, I would like to receive them via email, but
I'm interested in them for humor value - not length.  Please send only
lists of 500 questions or less.  People with the time to read or write
5, 10, or 50K lists of questions don't have time to be impure.  Thanks!


-- 
Christopher Barkley
The DarkMage
cbarkley@tusol.cs.trinity.edu
Reality is a State of Mind
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: aki <aki@akidamme-233324.worldbank.org>
Subject: Re: License Plate (Re: Blonde)
X-Xxmessage-Id: <A6EC9E94430E2631@akidamme-233324.worldbank.org>
X-Xxdate: Mon, 28 Sep 92 16:35:48 GMT
Organization: The World Bank
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d8
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 15:42:30 GMT

In article <1992Sep25.215146.4050@odin.corp.sgi.com> Madhsudan Hans,
hansm@madmats.esd.sgi.com writes:
>License plate spotted on a Corvette driven by a gorgeous blonde:
>
>	"HIS NOT"


Seen on a red Jag convertable with a blonde driving it...(bumper sticker)

"If I wanted you on my ass, I would have dropped my pants"


-Aki
The Worldbank Wash. D.C.
E-mail: aki@akidamme-233324.worldbank.org
(202)458-1112
DoD 0628
PBA 2294
*************************************
"How come the best bowling ball for
me is always the one I don't own?"
*************************************