From: geroldf@sdd.hp.com (Gerold Firl)
Subject: Re: hello
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 19:27:10 GMT

asar.320@wpi.wpi.edu (rubber duck/jac) writes:
 
>I tried to post anonymously earlier today, but since I am really new to 
>this system, I think I fucked up somehow. 

As the Canadians would say, patience, eh? %^)

>Anyhow, I guess it's obvious that I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  I was
>assaulted two months ago.  Not very long, compared to some of you who have
>had to bear this since childhood.  I'm OK, mostly. 

Issues are the same however.

> ........................I'm having a lot of problems with anger and not
>feeling safe around men or even like I want to be near them (like just now
>when I ditched three of my closer male friends who really just wanted to
>have dinner with me because I felt threatened and undermined by them and
>I am/was scared of the anger I feel toward them and what I might do about
>it if I don't avoid them.  But I don't want to avoid them, I don't think)
> Also I've had a lot of problems dealing with my body and how i feel about
>it - when the assault had just happened, I really thought I had lost all
>of my sexual impulses, and that was ok because it made me feel safe from
>them, but I'm feeling them again and I don't want to - I feel like my body
>is betraying me and making me want men even though they are dangerous and
>want to use my body for themselves and will hurt me - but I don't want to
>not want them (sexual impulses AND men)around, either, I don't think.  Did
>that make any sense?

Yes, that makes sense. Especially not feeling safe. But please don't worry
about your anger hurting someone else. You're not going to hurt anyone,
especially if you explain what's going on. Don't give them the gory details
(except maybe for the name of the perp ...) but let them know that you are
angry and hurt because of the assault. Their first impulse will be to maim
the assailant, but if that isn't possible you could at least fantasize over
dinner; interesting ways to ensure the perp never commits another assault...

And by all means don't feel bad about getting interested in sex again! That
just shows that you are getting back on an even keel, though you'll rock
back and forth for a while getting stabilized.

>.......................................................Surviving is my only
>goal, lately.  i only hope it is enough to get me through.  I wish you peace
>and safety and healing dreams and whatever else you need.

You're coming through already, jac. Happy healing to you - gerold

Hey, do you remember those rubber chickens that were used to end Monty 
Python skits? When a skit had gone on long enough, or a little longer, a
knight in fairly shiny armor would lumber up and whack someone upside the
head with it, thus signalling finis. Might be useful to get one of those 
chickens (for the Monty Python impaired, picture a plucked rubber chicken,
hanging limply from mailed fist), and use it as perp-surrogate. Yeah, don't
take it out on your friends, if your feeling blue and/or pissed, pull out 
the perp, swing it over your head a few times, and whack it into a tree, or
your TA, or kick it into the air. I've got to get me one, sounds like fun ...
 

-- 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Disclaimer claims dat de claims claimed in dis are de claims of meself,
me, and me alone, so sue us god. I won't tell Bill & Dave if you won't.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----   Gerold Firl @ ..hplabs!hp-sdd!geroldf