From: scratchy.caltech.edu!nathan (Nathan Mates)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Lightbulb Jokes
Date: 20 Nov 1992 07:08:42 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
NNTP-Posting-Host: scratchy.caltech.edu
Originator: nathan@scratchy

To everyone who regularly reads this group, these may be old stuff, but
>Can you put up the light bulb jokes and Murphy's laws?  Or mail them to  
>me?
(Lame excuse for posting, I know)


Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the  
experience.

Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the   
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine.  One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power  
plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None 'o yo' damn business!
A': 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q:  How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q:  How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q:  How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  Thats a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q:  How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  That's a software problem.
A': None.  They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q:  How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A:  Who can tell.  FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2.  One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

Q': How long will it take?
A:' That's indeterminate.  It depends on how many dead bulbs they've   
brought with them.

Q": What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A": They replace your fuse box.

Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light  
bulb?
A:  That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment  
of license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually  
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of  
their subordinates to actually change it.

Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it  
done.

Q:  How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!

Q:  How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q:  How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q:  How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild  
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light  
bulb?
A:  None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Nobody knows.  Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do  
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q:  How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from  
under him.

Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, but they're really only one.

Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go  
back on.

Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q:  How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!

Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q:  How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw  
itself in.

Q:  How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.

Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three:
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
          nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q:  How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light  
bulb?
A:  Both of them.

Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer  
is Four.  One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Billions and billions.

Q:  How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good  
the old light bulb was.

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with  
brightly colored machine tools.

Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation  
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q:  How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,  
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the  
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the  
definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank  
characters separated by blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.

Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first  
one.

Q:  How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q:  How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the  
third to shoot the witness.

Q:  How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q:  How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q:  How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q:  How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A:  Five.   A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  It turned itself in.

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?

Q:  How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q:  How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is  
than with a man.

Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any light bulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if  
you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch  
dolls

Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q:  How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  ---- You should have hit "n"!

Q:  How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  6:  2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the  
moment they began screwing.

Q:  How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being  
changed.

Q:  How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the  
keg.
A': Five:  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room  
spins.

Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around  
him.

Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the  
other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete  
pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.  
Meanwhile...

Q:  How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None; assholes never see the light anyway.

Q:  How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:  None.  Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your  
finger while I go get a new bulb?"

Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q:  How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.

Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q:  How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the  
bulb. 
Notes: Ugh!

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q:  How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q:  How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A:  50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q:  "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:  "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the  
ship out of disgrace."
    (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They  
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a  
light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.

Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Q:  How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a  
light bulb?
A:  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the  
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to  
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they  
have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark  
to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next  
uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the  
natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam  
down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the  
rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty  
notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape  
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and  
as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs   
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the  
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,  and  
the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q:  How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  At least three.  (Notes: think height!)

Q:  How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q:  How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q:  How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  All of them.

Q:  How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." 
    (Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")

Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A:  No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A': Twenty.  One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen  
in on the guest list.

Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a  
surprising twist at the end.

Q:  How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It takes two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the  
switch.

Q:  How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change  
a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of  
production!

Q:  How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a  
store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself  
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a  
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of  
nothingness.

Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  one.

Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Q:  How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  To get to the other side.

Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to  
an earlier joke.
A": One.  He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to  
an earlier joke.
A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

    Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the  
problem to an earlier joke...

    In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can  
change a light bulb.
    If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply  
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the  light  
bulb.
   Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
    n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
    Bibliography:
    [1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986

Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  We don't know.  They never get past the feasibility study.

Q:  How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

Q:  How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
	... and one to change the bulb.

Q:  How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and  
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Q:  How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A:  None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q:  How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Depends on what you want to change it into.

Q:  How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  101.  One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change  
light bulbs too.

Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  You have to replace the whole motherboard.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and the other to suck my cock.

How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Soviet emigres aren't afraid to sit in the dark.
One, and a lot of light bulbs.
Two. One to hold the bulb, one to drink vodka until the room spins.
Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs,  
one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by  
its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.

What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.

A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His  
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''


*********************************************************************
*I ALSO HAVE:                                                       *
*Political Incorrectness:                                           *
*      Bill Clinton Jokes   Lawyer Jokes     Blonde Jokes           *
*Monty Python Plagarisms: (Scripts to)                              *
*      Monty Python & The Holy Grail         Meaning of Life        * 
*      Life of Brian (Incomplete, as far as I know)                 *   
*Computer Humor:                                                    *
*      Bastard Operator From Hell-- Computer series                 *
*      More Computer Jokes-- 90K!!!          Hacker Test 1.1        *
*Other Stuff:                                                       *
*      Lightbulb Jokes      Car Acronyms     Star Trek Parodies     *
*      Murphy's Law stuff   Answering Machine Messages              *
*      Deep Thoughts        Job Descriptions                        *
*********************************************************************
*  A .sig designed to keep me busy for quite a while                *
*********************************************************************
* Nathan Mates                nathan@cco.caltech.edu                *
*********************************************************************
-- 

*********************************************************************
*I ALSO HAVE:                                                       *
*Political Incorrectness:                                           *
Newsgroups: rec.humor