From: cbnorman@cayley.uwaterloo.ca (Bruce Norman)
Subject: STORY: The Wizard of Smaug (chapter 12)
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.dnd
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 08:31:16 GMT

                         Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992

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                              The Wizard of Smaug

                                  Chapter 12 

                             --------------------

    "They are, uhm, very nice" said Perrywinkle, his lip twitching 
violently.  He held in his arms a silvery black tent and some sort of 
funnel shaped bag.  He smiled weakly at Alaesha. 
    "Are you not planning to try them on?"  Alaesha tapped her foot 
impatiently.  "I spent a great deal of time on that hat and robe, Lord 
Perrywinkle." 
    "Uh, alright then" said Perrywinkle nervously. *Which way is up* he 
wondered nervously, turning the tent-robe over and over in his hands.  
Alaesha's idea of strange symbols also seemed to be limited to circles, 
stars, and fish.  "Perhaps you had better leave the room" he said 
brightly, pulling off his shirt. 
    "Oh silly Perrywinkle" said Alaesha smiling and slapping him in the 
face.  "When you were asleep I dressed you, and bathed you, and wiped 
your bottom when..." 
    "Yes, yes," interrupted Perrywinkle, "but I have taken a vow of 
chastity.  If you were to be in the room while I was changing, it could 
lead to unsightly rumors which would not befit the Court Wizard of 
Smaug!" 
    "Oh very well" said Alaesha, pouting prettily.  She turned and left 
the room. 
    "Where on earth did the Arch Bishop find her?"  Asked Perrywinkle, 
addressing Mew. 
    *What on earth do you mean, fool* thought Mew. *She's a perfect nice*
*girl.* 
    "But she's so strange" said Perrywinkle.  She keeps slapping me and 
poking me.  And she brought me....this!"  He held out the tent-robe and 
bag-hat which Alaesha had lovingly made him. 
    *Oh stop whining and put it on* ordered Mew. *The robe is meant to*
*thwart a legal technicality, not to make you a great fashion symbol.*  
Being a fashion symbol in Smaug wasn't all that great anyway, as the 
currently fashion consisted of a shapeless tunic made out of burlap. 
    Perrywinkle struggled into the robes which Alaesha had made for him.  
He managed to find the arm holes, all three of them.  He pulled the hat 
onto his head, its point drooped down below his ear. 
    "Ary you done lord Perrywinkle?" came Alaesha's melodious enqirey. 
    "I fear I am done, you may come in."  Alaesha slithered into the 
room. 
    "Oh Perrywinkle, you look so darling in those robes!" 
    "I look like a sack of oddly shaped vegetables" was Perrywinkle's 
reply.  It was true, he did look rather rediculous.  Even Mew snickered 
occasionally as Perrywinkle walked about the room, the end of his robe 
trailing two feet behind him.  "At least I'm keeping the floor clean.  Do 
you think, perhaps, that its a tad too large for me Alaesha?" 
    "Oh don't be silly" said Alaesha, dismissing his comment.  "You'll 
grow into it.  Baggy is the style of the year anyway."  In the back of 
her mind though, even Alaesha had to admit that Perrywinkle did resemble 
a bag of oddly shaped carrots.  A silvery black bag, with lots of little 
circles, stars and fish on the bag, but a bag of carrots all the same. 
    "And what about this hat?" asked Perrywinkle, moaning slightly.  
"It's not straight at all.  A Wizard's hat is supposed to, you know, 
stand up by iteself, not flop over your shoulder."  Perrywinkle took the 
hat off and stared at it.  "And its got little ducks on it, the Court 
Wizard shouldn't be seen wearing a hat with little yellow ducks on it." 
    "Well I'm sorry" snapped Alaesha, I ran out of the black and silvery 
clth, so I used old baby clothes to make your hat.  We'll stuff it with 
something to make it stand up, don't you worry." 
    "I'm doomed" whined Perrywinkle.  He felt oddly comfortable now that 
he was suicidally depressed.  He supposed it was somewhat like 
alcoholism.  He had become so used to his current state of mind that he 
didn't feel quite right except when he was suicidally depressed.  "Lord 
Bluetspur will laugh me right to the gallows." 
    *You mean the heap of burning sticks* interjected Mew helpfully. 
    Alaesha began to sniffle. 
    "I'm doomed, doomed, doomed.  Oh why did I have to become a wizard? 
Why couldn't I have stayed home and been a dung farmer.  Did I think I 
was too good for dung? I wish I was home rutting in the old dung heap 
with father's pigs." 
    Alaesha began to cry. 
    *Stop whining you fool, look what you've gone and done*. 
    "What?" asked Perrywinkle, to self absorbed with his own plight to 
notice Alaesha's condition. 
    *You've gone and made that nice wit...girl cry.  Now go appologize to*
*her.  You're as whiney and insensitive as that fool Bluetspur!*
    "Oh, I'm sorry Alaesha" said Perrywinkle, sitting beside her on his 
bed and putting his arm arround her shoulder.  "I like the robe, I really 
do!" 
    Alaesha sniffed, and blew her nose loudly on Perrywinkle's sleve.  
"And the hat? Do you like it? Do the ducks bother you?" 
    "No, not at all" responded Perrywinkle.  His lip vibrated up and 
down, twitching as if it was suffering an extremely localized epileptic 
seizure.  "I like the ducks, I really do!" 
    *Perrywinkle, alert!* Came Mew's psychic cry. *Lord Bluetspur*
*approaches!*
    "What?" screamed Perrywinkle, "I haven't found myself a bloody cat 
yet! Mew, please, I'm begging you, become my familiar!" 
    *It isn't that simple Perrywinkle, I'm sorry* thought Mew. *A wizard's*
*familiar must always remain loyal to her wizard.  Though Teflour is dead,*
*I shall always be his familiar.*
    "There must be something I can do! Alaesha, do you have a cat? Can 
you get him, quick?" 
    "We've only got old Gusvas" she spoke, still sniffling a little, "and 
mother just boiled him so he's not getting out much."  A loud rapping 
came on the door. 
    "Open in the name of the King".  Perrywinkle whimpered.  Alaesha got 
up, and slowly moved to open the door. 
    *Quickly, take off your robes!* mentally yelled Mew.  Perrywinkle, 
panicking insanely, did as Mew commanded.  Mew looked at him in disgust.  
Mew looked at him in disgust. *You fool! Most wizards wear clothes under*
*their robes! Oh well, no time for that now, kick them under the bed. *
*Make sure your spellbook is with them.*
    The banging on the door increased in intensity.  Finally, the knocker 
stopped, and tried the door handle, finding the room unlocked.  The door 
creaked open slowly, revealing the sneering canine visiage of Lord 
Bluetspur. 
    "So, Court Wizard Perrywinkle, we meet again!" Lord Bluetspur snarled 
and stepped into the room, looking at Perrywinkle in contempt.  "Naked 
eh? I'll wager you've got a sheep up here, and you're not trying to cure 
its stomach ailments!"  He looked about the room, his eyes settling on 
Alaesha.  "Or perhaps you don't need a sheep." 
    "We've done nothing" protested Perrywinkle, pushing his finger into 
Lord Bluetspur's stomach. 
    "Put on some clothes boy" ordered Lord Bluetspur, evidently 
uninterested.  His eyes had focussed on something else: Mew.  "So foul 
cat, is this where you lurk now? Of course where else should I expect to 
find you? With a feeble minded Court Wizard as always!" 
    *Oh shut up Bluey* thought Mew. *And you shouldn't talk to Perrywinkle*
*about sheep, I know more than you might think!*
    "Arrrgh!" screamed Lord Bluetspur, evidently enraged.  "Foul cat, we 
shall see who laugh last.  You had best run Mew, for when I am Court 
Wizard I shall feed you, one squirming still-alive piece at a time, to my 
Toad.  And then we shall see how glib you are!"  He reached down and 
pulled off one of his shoes, hurling it at Mew, who screeched and dodged, 
running up to Perrywinkle's window sill.  
    *We shall see who laughs last fool.  Teflour was the greatest magician*
*this land has ever known.  He's tought me a few tricks of my own.*
    She hissed and then lept from the window.  Lord Bluetspur ran to the 
window and looked out, Mew was nowhere to be seen.  It was a four story 
drop, there was nowhere to grab onto.  Lord Bluetspur broke out into a 
sweat.  Perhaps that cat was more dangerous than he thought. 
    Four storeys below Mew lay, brused and battered, in a small bush.  
*Too bad Teflour didn't teach me to look before I leap* she thought to 
herself. 
    Meanwhile, Perrywinkle had managed to partially dress himself.  Lord 
Bluetspur, wordless, grabbed him and dragged him from the room to two 
waiting guards outside. 
    "It seems, noble Court Wizard, that someone is plotting to kill you.  
We are placing you under, police protection, at the slothen jails.  Of 
course, you'll only stay there for twelve hours, for then you go on trial 
for treason.  Three hours later you will be executed.  I hope you will 
enjoy your stay." 
    Perrywinkle tried to faint, but couldn't, he was too tired. 


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