From: weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Subject: Re: Shyness - Re: Second Chances
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 92 21:41:16 GMT

In article <Btoty3.B6p@newcastle.ac.uk> I.A.Inman@newcastle.ac.uk (Ian Alexander Inman) writes:
>
>I sympathise greatly with this situation.   Similar has happened to me, except
>that didn't win the girl over in the first place.
>
>I am one of those great sufferers of shyness, and also have communication
>difficulties, especially with the opposite sex.
>
>When it comes to time to ask someone out, the usual is for me to bottle up 
>completely, and avoid the situation entirely.   This happens for two reasons:
>
>	1) I am scared stiff I'll be rejected.   This may seem bit silly, because
>	   people ask for dates every day, and get turned down.   They are not
>	   affected, so why should I be.
>
First, no one likes to be rejected. You shouldn't feel that you are the
only one who is affected by this. People are eager to share their
feelings when they feel good, and just as eager to hide them when they
do not.

Second, if you are shy, you may set yourself up for big rejections by 
avoiding little ones. For instance, you might avoid talking to someone 
casually because you are 'too shy', and then decide you really like them,
and ask them out. A less shy person might have spent more time getting to
know the other person, and have a better idea whether or not an offer of
a date would be accepted.

So people who are not particularly shy are not simply brave, nor are they
without feelings. It is helpful to remember this if you want to act less
shy.


>	   Saying that, people are different, and we are all affected in 
>	   different ways in different situations.
>
Amen.
>
>	2) If I sucessfully end up with a date, I'm scared people will find me 			
>	   boring.
>
>	   People will always be interested in different things, so the position 
>	   here is to find common ground, to get communication going.
>	   A sense of humour is also essential - this is my failing, my sense of
>	   humour is sometimes a tad offbeat - not everyone appreciates it.
>
This is a common symptom of shyness. You feel that if things aren't going great,
you will get self-conscious and progressively shyer.  And you feel that it is 
your responsibility to make things go well. Keep in mind that most people are
boring, at least in the sense that they have no special talent to entertain,
so don't be afraid to be a little boring. If you look at boredom as a common
enemy to both of you, rather than something you are inflicting on the other
person, you will feel more comfortable.

The best way to be interesting is to be interested. That is, people
love to tell about themselves, and anyone who can sincerely show an
interest in hearing what they have to say about themselves will seem
fascinating to them. Let me repeat that, as most people seem to miss the
point: they will find you fascinating. Most people fail to listen,
because they are too busy trying to make a good impression by talking.
Of course, you need to be uncritical and sincerely interested to get
people to talk, but this is easy with practice.

>The moral of the story is that you MUST try, and you MUST communicate your  thoughts and feelings if that special something is to grow into something 
>lasting.
>
>I say this to you Dennis, you have nothing to lose by asking her to give you a
>second chance - just a hurt pride.   If you fail, don't worry, in time you'll get
>over it.   You will never forget her, but you must learn to live with rejection,
>it is part of life.   We all get hurt sometime.
>
>The hurt will be alot more if you don't try again, if given the chance.   Losing
>that someone special because you don't ask can be even more hurtful.
>
>							The Broken Heart.  
>
This is good advice. In matters of the heart, I think it is often more
important that you tried than whether things work out or not. The worst
sort of failure is when you didn't try, and then decide too late that
you should have.

Peace,
Michael.