From: aberno@godel.questor.wimsey.bc.ca (Anthony Berno)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Age-ism and the gay community
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1992 00:25:16 GMT
Reply-To: aberno@godel.questor.wimsey.bc.ca

In article <1gu0esINNfn3@uwm.edu> bearcub@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Bob Koenig)  
writes:

>  A LOT of my straight friends who I came out to and told
>  that I was in love with a 45 year old said "WOW!" most
>  of the time.  Some of them tried the philosophy of "a
>  need for a fatherly influence".  BULLSHIT. I am as close
>  to my dad as any son would be, and most of my "traits"
>  and interests follow his.

I'm in much the same boat as you are, except that I am 22 and my Daddybear  
is 43. We met when I was 19 as well.

My comment in reaction to this would be that it is important to not be  
*afraid* of a paternal element in your relationship. I strongly resisted  
the idea of having a "father figure" in my life for many years (John was  
by no means the first older men I had been with) but finally concluded  
that there was nothing wrong with it and that an element of paternalism  
was not only unavoidable, but was very, very nice.

Also, a paternal relationship with an older man does not imply any  
inadequacy in your relationship with your biological father. Hell, I've  
had a good relationship with my father for 22 years, and he never even  
fucked me. :-)

>  The moral of the story is...I love this man. Emotionally,
>  mentally, physically. It seems like a "father-son"
>  relationship, only because of age.  We are both self
>  supportive(him more than me...he's been on this earth 25
>  years longer than I have,...what do you expect?) and I
>  don't "depend" on him like a son would.

Furthermore, a paternal relationship does not imply dependency! I'd say  
that its primary quality is "nurturing"; this is a perfectly reasonable  
role for someone who is much older than their lover. In John's case, he  
helped support me financially while I was getting a foothold as a software  
developer, and a year later I was making more money per month (during one  
particular summer that I worked) than he had until only a few years  
previously. This past summer, he again supported me while I got my own  
software company off the ground; once I get my degree, I expect again, as  
a result of his support, to be doing quite well for myself. I don't call  
that "dependency", and neither does he. His support has been very good for  
both of us.

Another thing worth noting is that a relationship does not have to fit  
into one role or another. Just because I call him "daddy" and like to curl  
up on his big, hairy chest does not mean that I don't also like to  
flagellate him mercilessly while he is tied to an iron gate at one of the  
Leathernecks parties.

(Actually, we have concluded that all *real* Daddies are actually S/M  
bottoms in disguise, but that is another thread.  ;-)

My point here is not to say that *your* relationship is a daddy-boy thing.  
However, I do see a lot of what I felt a few years ago in your writing. As  
it turned out, the reason that I resisted the "daddy factor" in my  
relationships was precisely because it was what I really and truly  
*wanted* to have.

It is a shame that our society (the queer community included) is so  
despariging of non-standard relationships. The smug parlor psychology  
which some of your friends engage in is particularly distasteful. My  
unsolicited advice to you would be that you should not respond with a  
shouted "BULLSHIT", but rather that you should raise one eyebrow, scratch  
your beard pensively, and say "Maaaaaaaybe... Maybe not!"

The true pleasure of unusual relationships is in confusing your friends.  
:-)

-Anthony

Newsgroups: soc.motss