From: scolucci@vax1.tcd.ie
Newsgroups: rec.autos.sport
Subject: A Funny Ole F1 World II - The Sequel
Date: 6 Sep 92 15:23:44 GMT
Organization: Trinity College Dublin

Hi folks!!

Some days ago I posted an excerpt from one of last years Punch magazines that 
carried an article that featured "profiles" of the then top F1 drivers whilst 
simultaneously taking the micky from the Murray and James show. 100% of those 
of you that replied said you enjoyed the "profiles" of Senna/Berger/Mansell/
Lehto and *begged* for more. I should state that I still feel rather silly 
giving "information" that's out of date (some of the drivers aren't racing this 
year and others don't match with this years teams) but you were unanimous that 
you wanted them anyway.

So, transport yourselves back to 1991 - the pre-Williams active suspension
season that often saw Patrese outqualify and outcompete Nigel, and the semi-
automatic transmission being a general bear vis-a-vis reliability - the season
that saw the beginning of the decline of Ferrari and Prost - and Nelson Piquet
and Roberto Moreno were pedalling away for Bennetton............

RICCARDO PATRESE
Nationality: Italian
Racing No.: 6
Team: Canon Williams Renault
Lives: Padua, Italy
Wages: $2.7m
Aircraft: Alitalia
Road Car: Renault Espace
Hobbies: Collecting model trains
Distinguishing Characteristic: Faster than Mansell
Walkerism: "That's Mansell taking the lead - no, I'm mistaken, it's Patrese..."
Huntquote: "To be honest, Murray, I don't understand Patrese's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Spent the eighties being considered a moody old duffer, now
                   outraces Britains bushy-'tached hero

MARTIN BRUNDLE
Nationality: British
Racing No.: 7
Team: Brabham Yamaha
Lives: Off the main road, second left, up the track, over the cattlegrid, mind 
       the dog, Norfolk
Wages: Oh, yes
Aircraft: Only a helicopter
Road Car: Jaguar
Hobbies: Remembering his victories over Ayrton Senna in 1983
Distinguishing Characteristic: Hasn't beaten Senna since '83
Walkerism: "That's Martin Blundell"
Huntquote: "Brundle's tyre choice, Murray, I just don't..."
Worth Remembering: Is quick in sportscars but then so is Yannick Dalmas (who?)

MARK BLUNDELL
Nationality: British
Racing No.: 8
Team: Brabham Yamaha
Lives: Royston
Wages: A lot
Aircraft: Er, no
Road Car: Yes
Hobbies: Wishing he lived in Essex
Distinguishing Characteristic: Has the aesthetic tastes of an Essexman
Walkerism: "That's Mark Brundle! There!"
Huntquote: "The fact is, Murray, I'm baffled by Blundell's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Wider than his car - but fast with it

MICHELE ALBORETO
Nationality: Italian
Racing No.: 9
Team: Footwork Porsche
Lives: Monaco
Wages: What do you think?
Aircraft: No
Road Car: Mercedes-Benz
Hobbies: Wondering why he's not quick anymore
Distinguishing Characteristic: Not quick anymore
Walkerism: "What has happened to Michele Alboreto since his Ferrari days?"
Huntquote: "Murray, I don't understand Alboreto's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Nothing, frankly

MIKA HAKKINEN
Nationality: Finnish
Racing No.: 11
Team: Team Lotus
Lives: Monaco
Wages: Minuscule
Aircraft: Eats plastic food on Formula One charter flights
Road Car: Honda
Hobbies: Chatting up girls
Distinguishing Characteristic: Fast, talented, and charming
Walkerism: "Mika Hakkinen is doing a great job for Lotus this year"
Huntquote: "Speaking plainly, Murray, I don't understand Hakkinen's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Will be World Champion one day

JOHNNY HERBERT
Nationality: British
Racing No.: 12
Team: Team Lotus
Lives: Woking
Wages: Not at Lotus...
Aircraft: Never seen at Heathrows General Aviation Terminal
Road Car: At a guess, an XR3i (maybe with a "My Other Car is a Lotus" sticker)
Hobbies: Drooling over girlies
Distingushing Characteristic: Girlies drool over him too
Walkerism: "Plucky Johnny Herbert"
Huntquote: "To be perfectly frank, Murray, I don't understand Herberts tyre 
            choice"
Worth Remembering: Proved himself to be more than pretty with a gutsy comeback
                   after smashing both legs - and winning Le Mans too

GABRIELE TARQUINI
Nationality: Italian
Racing No.: 17
Team: AGS
Lives: Do you care? he's not going to qualify
Wages: Look, he's probably not going to get through prequalifying
Aircraft: That means he'll be thinking about heading home by 10.00am Friday
Road Car: Will certainly use the hire car to get back to the airport
Hobbies: Sitting in a plane 16 Fridays a year wondering why he bothers to show
         at races to drive for an hour
Distinguishing Characteristic: Does not qualify for races
Walkerism: "Gabriele Tarquini...no, sorry, he failed to qualify"
Huntquote: "When all is said and done, Murray, I didn't agree with Tarquini's
            tyre choice anyway"
Worth Remembering: Worth forgetting, honestly

ROBERTO MORENO
Nationality: Brazilian
Racing No.: 19
Team: Camel Bennetton Ford
Lives: Monaco
Wages: $500,000, not a cent of which is spent on personal grooming
Aircraft: No
Road Car: Mercedes-Benz
Hobbies: Being a racing driver
Distinguishing Characteristic: Sane, witty, quick
Walkerism: "The brilliant Brazilian"
Huntquote: "Quite frankly, Murray, Moreno's tyre choice is beyond me"
Worth Remembering: Used to race karts with Piquet back in Brazil

NELSON PIQUET
Nationality: Brazilian
Racing No.: 20
Team: Camel Bennetton Ford
Lives: Monaco and/or on a yacht on the Mediterranean
Wages: $8m
Aircraft: Chartered Citation jet and Jetranger helicopter
Road Car: BMW, Mercedes G-wagen
Hobbies: Making babies, occasionally simultaneously
Distinguishing Characteristic: Never seen with a pushchair
Walkerism: "The brilliant Brazilian"
Huntquote: "In my opinion, Murray, I don't agree with Piquet's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Is cognisant of the fact that Moreno used to race karts with
                   him back home in Brazil and understood team orders back then,
                   too

EMANUELE PIRRO
Nationality: Italian
Racing No.: 21
Team: Scuderia Italia
Lives: Monaco
Wages: Yup
Aircraft: Nope
Road Car: BMW
Hobbies: Gazing soulfully at women and watching them come over all giddy
Distinguishing Characteristic: Hunky
Walkerism: "Alesi's getting in the way again...no, that's Pirro but the Ferrari
            and the Dallara do look alike this year"
Huntquote: "In my *personal* opinion, Murray, I don't agree with Pirro's tyre 
            choice"
Worth Remembering: Used to drive for Bennetton, a leading team. Doesn't anymore.
                   Umm.

THIERRY BOUTSEN
Nationality: Belgian
Racing No.: 25
Team: Gitanes Ligier Judd
Lives: Monaco and Brussels
Wages: $4m, I kid you not
Aircraft: Lear 36
Road Car: Mercedes-Benz 500
Hobbies: Presumably spends hours working on his remarkable coiffure
Distinguishing Characteristic: Crap haircut
Walkerism: "Thierry Boutsen, from Belgium!"
Huntquote: "To tell the truth, Murray, I don't agree with Boutsen's tyre choice"
Worth Remembering: Used to win races for Williams

ALAIN PROST
Nationality: French
Racing No.: 27
Team: Ferrari
Lives: Switzerland
Wages: $12m
Aircraft: Citation5, chartered from Aeroleasing, Geneva
Road Car: Mercedes-Benz, Ferrari F40
Hobbies: Running
Distinguishing Characteristic: Doesn't win anymore
Walkerism: "What a poor season for Prost and Ferrari"
Huntquote: "Honestly, Murray, Prost's tyre choice...shocking"
Worth Remembering: When he drove for McLaren

JEAN ALESI
Nationality: French
Racing No.: 28
Team: Ferrari
Lives: Avignon, France
Wages: $6m
Aircraft: Not yet
Road Car: Mercedes-Benz and Ferrari F40
Hobbies: Mentally kerb-hopping
Distinguishing Characteristic: Fearlessness
Walkerism: "There! That's the fearless Jean Alesi. The idiotic Portuguese 
            producer isn't showing him"
Huntquote: "Well, er, quite frankly, the tyres, Murray, I...oh, forget it
            ..."
Worth Remembering: Fearlessnes alone doesn't win races



That's that,
Serge