From: mickey@bach.udel.edu (Mickey McCarter)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: HHG to ST:TNG (Scenes 15 and 16)
Date: 30 Mar 92 04:30:58 GMT
Organization: University of Delaware


SCENE 15: On the Heart of Gold, Ford is moaning and groaning in the
	  sickbay while Zaphod attempts to reason with Eddie ...

Zaphod	: Tell me again why I can't just leave.

Eddie	: Because we still have to get Marvin.

Zaphod	: Marvin is gone.  Poof.  Blitzbo.  Nobody knows where he is.

Eddie	: I do.

Zaphod	: Good for you.  Now let's take us out of here, okay?

Trillian: Wait, Zaphod.  Eddie, why don't you tell us where Marvin is.

Zaphod	: Is this really necessary?

Trillian: Yes.  Now Eddie, where's Marvin?

Eddie	: I'll show you.

The main viewer on the Heart of Gold comes alive.  At first, all they
can see is a dense fog of acrid smoke.  Then, from within the smoke,
they can make out a dismayed, limping, slouching, metallic figure slowly
emerging from the smoke.  He seems to be dragging something heavy behind
him.

Arthur, Trillian, Zaphod: Marvin!

Marvin	: Hello there.

Trillian: Marvin, where are you?

Marvin	: Me?  Oh, I'm just over here at the Borg's ship.  Pretty smart
	  of you to drop me here when the improbability drive kicked in.

Zaphod	: Zowee!  You were over there with the scourge of the galaxy,
	  Marvin?  It must have been exciting!  Think of the danger!

Marvin	: Don't talk to me about excitement.

Trillian: We didn't know you were there, honest.  It was the improbability
	  field ...

Marvin	: Sure, sure.  That's what they all say.  'We didn't know that,
	  Marvin'.  'We hope it won't inconvenience you too much, Marvin'.
	  'We didn't know you were standing under that 50-ton weight when
	  we dropped it, Marvin'.  That's all right, you don't have to
	  explain.  I'm quite used to it.

Trillian: Marvin, we've been worried about you.

Marvin	: Don't pretend that you care about me.  It won't work.
	  Nobody likes me.  Not even (he waves his hand around)
	  this ship.

Trillian: The Borg?  What happened to the Borg?

Marvin	: Out of boredom, I hooked myself in with the Borg's collective
	  intelligence.  I quickly became bored of the monotony of the
	  Borg technology and attempted to hold a conversation with the
	  Borg central processing unit.

Trillian: Wow.  And ...

Marvin	: We had the most enlightening conversation about the relationship
	  between outdoor landscape architectural design and Hinduism.

Zaphod	: Hey, Marvin.  That's great!  (whispers to Trillian)  What in
	  Zarquon's Flooding Bathtub is he talking about?

Marvin	: As I said, the ship didn't like me.  The subject of Hinduism
	  lead to the discussion to my personal view of the universe,
	  and ...

Trillian: ... And?

Marvin	: and the ship became so depressed it committed suicide.

Zaphod	: All right, Marvin!  Way to go, kid!

Marvin	: Don't start patronizing me.

Trillian: Still, that doesn't explain the architectural failure that
	  the Borg is undergoing ...

Marvin	: I have something that should explain that, too.  (Marvin pulls
	  out a panel that was strapped to his back.)  I took this off
	  the central processing unit.  Would you like me to read it to
	  you?  It seems like the least that I can do.  It will only be
	  another menial task that my vast intellectual capacity be
	  called upon to perform.  It's always 'Marvin, would you scratch
	  my back?', or 'Marvin, would you stick your hand in to check
	  the temperature of my bath?', or 'Marvin, would you mind going
	  over there and rescuing that Starfleet Captain?'.  Here I am,
	  brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to ...

Zaphod	: What does it say, Marvin?

Trillian appears to be puzzled by something that Marvin had just said ...

Marvin	: Oh, I suppose that I should just get to the point, shouldn't
	  I?  I mean, why am I even bother complaining, with this pain
	  down on all the diodes on my left side ...

Zaphod	: (warningly)  Marvin ...

Marvin	: Yes, of course.  It says, (reading) Another fine product of the
	  Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 

Trillian and Zaphod thought about this reflectively, then nodded in
comprehension.  Yes, it all makes sense now.

Trillian: No doubt they'll be the first against the wall when the revolution
	  comes.

Zaphod	: Yeah, no doubt.

Trillian continuously to be puzzled by something that Marvin had mentioned
earlier ...

Marvin	: Anyway, the only reason that I called ...

Trillian: Marvin, Did you said something about a Starfleet Captain?

Marvin	: As I was saying ... (he paused just long enought for effect)
	  the only reason that I called is because I think I have
	  something that you might like to take back.

Zaphod	: Yeah, kid?  What is it?

Marvin holds up the limp figure of Captain Picard, whom he had been
dragging behind him.

Marvin	: (indicating the Captain)  This.

Trillian: Isn't that Captain Picard?

Zaphod	: Hey, yeah.  What's he doing over there?

Marvin	: (looking at the unconscious Picard)  Not much.

Eddie	: Hey, gang.  The Enterprise is beaming Marvin and the Captain
	  over.  Should I intercept the transmission for you?

On the main viewer, they see that both Marvin and Picard begins to fade
as the transporter kicks in to bring them back.

Trillian: Yes, Eddie.  Bring Marvin here.  We don't need the Captain.

Zaphod	: Hey, I thought I was in charge here!

Moments later, Marvin alone appears on the Heart of Gold.

Marvin	: You didn't have to do that, you know.

He slouches to his corner.



SCENE 16: While Marvin was being transported to the Heart of Gold, Captain
	  Picard appears on the bridge of the Enterprise.  Dr. Crusher quickly
	  jumps in, runs her Sens-O-Medic over the Captain, and gives him a
	  dose of Inst-A-Wake on the neck.

Picard	: What happened, Number One.

Riker	: Captain, I have rescued you from the Borg.

Data	: Correction, Commander.  It appears that the Captain was rescued
	  by the robot named Marvin, who is now in Shuttle Bay Three.

Riker	: I thought I gave the orders to transport him directly to detention.

Data	: You did, Commander.  But the Heart of Gold intercepted that signal.

Riker	: What?  I thought Worf took care of those prisoners.

Data	: Appearantly not, sir.  My sensors are showing that the Heart of
	  Gold is now firing up their improbability drive.

Picard	: (rising from the deck)  Okay, I'm fine now.  Data, come with me.
	  We're going to Shuttle Bay Three.

Beverly	: But Captain, I need to run more checks on you.  After all, the
	  Borg might have ...

Picard	: Borgified me?  Nonsense!  They treated me rather well.  All they
	  wanted was my opinion on this screenplay for Hamlet that they've
	  worked out.  It was an excellent script, but I thought that their
	  soliloquys can use a tad more ...

Riker	: Sir ...

Picard	: Yes, Number One?

Riker	: The prisoners, sir.  Zaphod Beeblebrox on Shuttle Bay Three.

Picard	: Oh yes, (clears his throat) "I hold my duty, as I hold my soul."
	  That was Polonius in Hamlet, Number One.  Come, Data, speaking as
	  Cade in Henry VI, "our enemies shall fall before us!"

Picard and Data marches into the turbo-lift.

Beverly	: Yep, he's fine, all right.

The twin door of the turbo-lift closes in on Picard and Data just as the
bridge starts to twist out of shape, the reason being that the Heart of
Gold has just kicked in their improbability drive.  On the Heart of Gold,
Ford is rapidly having his body parts readjusted as Zaphod works out, or
rather, have Eddie work out, the improbability factors necessary to take
them to their next stop.

Arthur strolls leisurely back to his quarters where he finds, much to his
delight, four tiny bone china tea cups on four tiny bone china saucers
surrounding a tiny bone china tea kettle containing the best tea that he
had ever had.  There is also a small note in Old English calligraphy saying,
"Share and Enjoy".

Ford was right.  Arthur's wish has finally been realized.

He was also alarmed for a moment to find a somewhat confused cow standing
rather awkwardly in his closet, but the admonition rapidly fades away as
he realizes that the only cloth he has is the dressing gown that he is
currently, and has been for as long as he can now remember, wearing.

Zaphod	: (over the ship's intercom)  All this adventure has made me hungry.
	  How 'bout you, monkey man?

Arthur	: (sipping his tea, a dazed, content amusement on his face)  Yeah,
	  that sounds fine.

Zaphod	: Okay, then.  Let's take a quick bite at Milliway's, the Restaurant
	  at the End of the Universe!



EPILOGUE: Data and Picard arrives at Shuttle Bay Three just in time to see
	  the Heart of Gold vanishes in a sudden and unexpected tropical
	  torrential downpour.  They help the overly wet and slightly dazed
	  Lieutenant Worf off his feet.

Data	: Beeblebrox and the others have escaped, sir.

Picard	: I see, Mr. Data.

Data	: I wish I could have the opportunity to converse with the
	  robot named Marvin.  He seems to have a ... personality.

Picard	: Well, Data.  Perhaps it's for the best ...

Holding Worf, Picard turns to leave.

Data	: Captain, wait!

Picard	: What is it, Data?

Data	: (picking up a black book with the words "Don't Panic" written
	  in large friendly letters on the cover)  The Heart of Gold left
	  this behind.

Picard	: (Taking the book and examining it)  What is it?

Data	: I believe that it is called the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,
	  sir.  It is a wholly remarkable book.  In fact, it is probably
	  the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing
	  corporations of Ursa Minor.  Not only is it a wholly remarkable
	  book, it is also a highly successful one---more popular than the
	  'Celestial Home Care Omnibus,' better selling than 'Fifty-three
	  More Things to Do in Zero Gravity,' and more controversial than
	  Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, 'Where 
	  God Went Wrong,' 'Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes,' and 
	  'Who Is This God Person Anyway?'

Picard	: Intriguing, Mr. Data, please continue.

Data	: Well, sir, in many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer
	  Eastern Rim of the Galaxy ...



                * * *      T  h  e      E  n  d      * * * 


[Data's explanation of the Hitchhiker's Guide quoted from the preface to the
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams *************************]


-- 
This exciting commentary has been brought to you by mickey@brahms.udel.edu...
For further information, stay tuned to this very newsgroup around this time.
"How can you make a world for people to live in unless you first put order
in yourself?" - George Antrobus (Thorton Wilder's _The Skin of Our Teeth_)

--
!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
!       "Cogito Ergo Sum - I think, therefore it missed!"       !             
!           David Polak  ak515@cleveland.Freenet.Edu            !
!_______________________________________________________________!
-- 
------------------------------------------------David J. Polak----
'We are not of this race. We are not of this -------------------  
 Earth. We are wanderers in the fourth        ak515@cleveland.   
 dimension of space and time.' -The Doctor      freenet.edu     
Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams