From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: second try
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:29:46 GMT
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Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Well i posted for the first time here late last night when i was,
unfortunatly, not in the best mood.  i don't think that it went through
yet, maybe this one will catch it. Maybe not.  Regardless i am much
calmer now, and i even managed to get home without hurting myself. Since
none of you know me the previous post could have been in morse code for
all the worth it was. This is my second try.  To introduce myself to
ya'll without coming off as a person with a serious lack of control and
brains and whatever.

I'm not using my real name here...too risky....you never know who reads
these things...
this can't get back to my family.....like i said before you can't shame
the family

Anyhow i guess you're wondering what my problems are.....
i'm really good at disassociating  myself from them so i can write them,
generally, but i won't include much detail.
my whole trip "back down memory lane" started about 2 months ago. That's
when i first allowed myself to say the R word in connection to
myself....emotionally.  I'd been able to say before that i'd been raped
but it was more like talking about someone else...not me.

That happened about 10 or 11 months ago........during my 1st year of
college. I got realy sick afterwards and missed a month of school (you
can imagine what that did to my grades) i got this really bizarre form
of tonsilitis and then mono on top of it. My perp gave me the mono. I
was hospitalized with my little combo as i became dehydrated and stopped
the important little things like eating and breathing and such. After i
got out of the hospital (after 1 week) i should have been back in school
within the next week......it took me a month. i was depressed and really
into that self-hate thing, really into blaming myself. Sometimes i think
that i didn't want to get better, and that's why it took me so long to
recover. Any comments?

I have always had walls of protection built around me. In the last
couple of years they have started to slowly come down. I have huge
blanks in my memories that last for long periods of time. Like i don't
remember 5th grade, or most of when i was under 9 or 10.  Sometimes i'd
have feelings, like i was really scared of my uncle for the longest
time. He'd come over say, for a special meal and i couldn't bare to stay
in the same room with him alone. But that's it, i don't remember why i
was scared. i just was.  I don't even really want to remember what
happened in all those blanks. I'm afraid of what might have happened.
What i know right now is bad enough.

Briefly: my mom physicaly abused me on occasion......a beatign that went
too far. and she mentally abused me constantly. "I  looked like i rolled
from under the bed" "Why aren't you wearing make-up"  You look like a
man" (which i never understood since i had long hair and was fairlky
well-endowed) "some Dyke is gonna come hit on you"  " Are you a
lesbian?"  And this was all through jr. high and high school.
*******i am not homophobic although i used to be as a result of my
                   mums comments, she on the other hand is**********
I didn't really think much of myself as a kid and i still don't.  I
don't think i'm at all beautiful. and when people say i am i think
they're either lying to me or they want something from me.
i'm paranoid, and i don't trust people very much.

When i was raped by an aquaintence i had never had a boyfriend......now
i think i never will cause i'm too scared of men to allow them to get
close to me. I don't want you to think i was clueless, i just hadn't
known affection from another person.  i'd kissed guys before, and even
gotten into some heavy petting once. the weird thing is it wasn't
because i wanted to. I thought(and still think) that i'm supposed to do
whatever a guy wants, whether or not i want to. my feelings don't really
count. That's why i blame myself for the rape--even though i know i'm
not supposed to-- i didn't say no to the first kiss and after that he
thought he had a general ok....he didn't listen when i said i was
uncomfortable that i didn't want to.

Sexually, i'm not very well adjusted. I have alot of false assumptions
about what's supposed to happen. I'm still very child like in my ideas.
Basicly i wasn't ready too give what was taken from me.  i'm so very
angry about that but i don't know what to do about it..I think now that
i'll never be normal. Sex disgusts me...right down to the idea of it. 
I'm terrified of men. i know that i want to know that someone would hold
me without wanting me to "perform" for them. But i don't think there is
anyuone that safe out there. I hope that i'm wrong but everyday i think
i'm more and more right.
All men do want is sex from you. They don't care about much else.
God i hope i'm wrong...i'm only 19 i shouldn't be angry like this..hate
like this.

i don't know what else.....i do but i'm not gonna write it...this is
already too long. I'm sorry if i bothered anyone.

Jasmyne



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