From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Subject: Re: Formal Hello
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 21:14:49 GMT
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warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton) wrote:
>I  am  in  the  unfortunate  (?)  position  of  being  extremely
>intellectual  about my recovery.    I  know  this  is  a  tool  I
>developed  to  survive  the constant  abuse  (of  many  kinds)  I
>suffered growing up, and it can  be  useful.    However,  with my
>style of intellectual recovery there is little room for feelings.
    I  often  have  to  go  through  this  kind  of  intellectual
    acknowledgment of specific parts of my abuse before I can get
    in touch with  the  emotions.  It's hard, because you *think*
    you are dealing with what happened but there still isn't that
    emotional connection.  I have also observed  this  many  many
    times with the other men in our Survivors  Group.    I  think
    this is very common.  Our therapist is very good about asking
    specifically  about how we feel about what we are saying  and
    reminding us  that  reciting  a  story  and  explaining  what
    happened is just  one  step  and that we have a RIGHT to have
    FEELINGS about these things.   Also the group dynamic is very
    supportive so that we know  that  it  is a SAFE PLACE to feel
    and to let the emotions be  seen.  ASAR also provides a forum
    for expressions of emotion, as you will  have  seen from many
    posts.  And, surprise! surprise!  People understand!

    One thing I have noticed with  myself  (I am not sure I would
    dignify  it  with  the  label  "technique",  nor  necessarily
    recommend it ;=)), is that I find I need  sometimes to repeat
    to  myself  the  details  of an abusive event using the  most
    graphic  language  in  my  vocabulary.   It seems as if I  am
    trying  to nail down the reality to the most basic details so
    that I cannot deny the reality or diffuse it with clinical or
    careful language.    Sometimes  it worries me because this is
    not my usual  mode  of  speech,  but  I  find  it often helps
    connect with an emotion (rage, anger, pain...) and I can then
    carry through from there.   Let  me  say  that the first time
    this happened, it was very scary:   I felt as if I were being
    carried somewhere I didn't know where and  I  had no idea how
    or where it would end.  But I  stayed  with  it.    There was
    great  relief  (not to mention exhaustion) on the other  side
    when I was done.  The next time, I recognized  what  sort  of
    process this was for me and it was just as intense, but a lot
    less  scary  because  I  *knew*  that  I would come out of it
    better.
    
>[...] my emotional rage [...] was frightening to  me  because  it
>reminded me of my father.
    How well  I  can  relate  to  that.   Actually just hearing a
    raised  voice  (my   own  or  someone  else's)  or  seeing  a
    belligerent look does it for me too.
        

>Then of course there's  the  issue  of being abuse by a male and
>not stopping the abuse.  The accompanying shame...  is so great.
    So true, Peter.  Again  I  know only too well!  I think there
    are at least three things operating.  Of course the sexuality
    issue:  perhaps especially  at  the time when the abuse takes
    place when we are so  acutely  -- even if only subconsciously
    -- aware of what a narrow  spectrum  society seems to expect,
    tolerate or condone.  This can also  kick  in  hard  when, as
    adults,  we  are  examining  the  what and why  of  our  male
    sexuality, straight or gay or any shade in between.  This can
    particularly colour our reaction and compound our shame if we
    forget  about  the  essential  POWER  IMBALANCE  and  wrongly
    interpret our (=the victim's)  *getting through* the event as
    either "not stopping it" or actual "consent", instead of what
    it was:  coping and surviving in the only way we were capable
    of at the time.  Add to  this  the  idea that a male, a "real
    man", should be able to take care of  himself and not be in a
    position of being a victim, and we are serving  up a feast of
    guilt for the abused male.
    
    I  think  gay  men  may  also  have  the added difficulty  of
    actually  *recognizing* or being able to label some things as
    sexual abuse  simply  because  the  physical  acts which were
    perpetrated on them  are  the same ones which, in adult life,
    they use as expressions of relationship and love. 
    
    Something tells me that  a  lot  of  my response to your post
    simply  proves your initial point  about  "intellectualizing"
    :=)                      :=)                           :=)
    
    "Kristian"



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