From: osmith@acorn.co.uk (Owen Smith)
Newsgroups: soc.bi
Subject: Re: Who am I anyway?
Date: 21 Aug 92 14:59:52 GMT
Organization: Acorn Computers Ltd, Cambridge, England

In article <1992Aug20.131759.15749@ecst.csuchico.edu>
pwiebe@ecst.csuchico.edu (s mandell) writes:

>In article <17886@acorn.co.uk> osmith@acorn.co.uk (Owen Smith) writes:

>Nope, Owen, you're not raving mad.  Not perfectly normal either, but
>then, I don't think anyone is.  I think your assesment of soc.bi as a
>good place to hang out and be yourself is correct.  I don't have
>another place in my life to be overtly bi at the moment because I
>really don't have much of a life.

I have the same problem currently ie. I don't really have a life. Getting
out of the rut I'm in could be tricky though - I haven't got the energy or
the enthusiasm to do anything. I'm burning up all my energy thinking about
what my gender issues mean to me. My domestic situation makes things tricky
too - I can't find out who I am by experimenting. I share a house with a guy
I went to university with. We bought it together five years ago because we
couldn't afford a house each. Legally we each own half a house, which makes
things a bit easier. Anyway, the trouble is he's rather clueless on these
issues (he didn't notice Daffy's pink triangle badge and when I pointed it
out he didn't know what it meant) and I don't want to come out to him. This
and other issues mean I really want to move out but there are problems: a)
we have to sell b) I'll never get joint mortgage income tax relief again c)
I don't want to share with someone unless they're my SO d) I don't want to
live alone - I'm too lonely already e) I haven't got an SO f) I can't afford
to buy anything on my own g) I don't like renting h) the loan on my car is
costing too much but the car's become part of my soul and I don't think I
could ever go back to a run of the mill "no brakes, no handling, no engine"
type of car that most people drive. Good grief I've rambled again :-).

>As for why I found I had to have myself together before I posted: I
>guess I realised that no one was going to be able to tell me, "Yes,
>you're bi", or, "No, you're straight".  I didn't need to ask that of
>the group.  I find it takes a lot to put myself out here. I was
>dealing with all kinds of things out of my childhood at the time, not
>just my sexuality, when I was trying to decide whether I was bi or
>not.  Forget about communicating coherently, I was just staying
>stoned all day and crying at the drop of a hat 'for no reason'.
>When I got that all together, I mostly just wanted some affirmation
>that I was ok.  Hey, I was getting it before I posted anyway, just
>reading here will get you that much.

I've been going through a "crying at the drop of a hat" phase for the last
four years. Something inside snapped about four years ago during a rather
unseemly commotion in which four of us wanted to go out with the same girl.
I've never spoken to one of the other three since that time. OK so I don't
cry at the drop of a hat, it usually takes beautiful music to do it but then
I listen to music quite a bit. If I listen to the Fantasia CDs I'll probably
burst into tears about twice per CD (there are two of them). The worst
occasion was while listening to Radio 1 at night cruising up the A1 to see
my parents. Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" came on the Radio, and the floodgates
opened. I cried so much I couldn't see where I was going and I had to pull
off and stop at the next roundabout (how I wished the A1 had a hard shoulder
that night!).

>You say these things above:
>=I'm still trying to work out who I really am. [...]
> 
>What is it you're still trying to work out?  I realise it's hell to
>think of 'dressing' in public, but it sounds like something you
>want to do.

I think I'm a woman in a male body, but I'm not certain (is anyone ever
certain?) that's what I am, and I'm not certain I've got the guts to do what
it takes to do it even if I am (either living life cross dressed or an
operation). These are the things which are taking most of my time and energy
up. If I had more money (or could bear to part with my beautiful car) and
more courage I'd get a place of my own, buy an extra wardrobe and lots of
clothes, and start cross dressing in public seriously. I think this is the
best way to learn about myself, but I haven't got the material or mental
resources to take that path at the moment. The car is paid for in 19 months
time, but I still have to insure it - it cost me 700 pounds this year as
some heartless git broke in and stole the stereo and did lots of damage,
which caused my no claims bonus to go down rather than up - it would have
been 480 pounds otherwise.

Interestingly enough I'm not just interested in the classic ultra feminine
clothes that most tranvestites seem to wear. Yes they're fine for the right
occasion, but I want to be a woman in jeans and T-shirt too. One of the
things I most want to wear as a woman is black tie ie. dinner jacket (tuxedo
to the yanks :-). I think a nicely tailored DJ looks really good on a pretty
woman (not to imply that I make a pretty woman).

Owen.
Newsgroups: soc.bi,alt.polyamory,alt.personals