From: eperkio@cc.helsinki.fi
Newsgroups: alt.evil
Subject: The art of alienation
Date: 21 Nov 92 20:47:05 GMT
Organization: University of Helsinki

The following started out as a paranoid fantasy and then took a
life of its own.  It does not contain physical torture, guns,
cats or misrepresented Satanism, and hence is, no doubt, rather
lame for this newsgroup.  "Enjoy."
 
---Cut here---
 
How to Get Rid of Your Friends - A Short Guide to the Art of
Alienation:
 
1. Get a possessive partner
 
Your chosen mate should, at the very least, act clearly uneasy
in the presence of your soon-to-be-former friends.  If he/she
can manage a distinctly disapproving, chilly manner, you are
truly in luck, and your partner's portrayed attitude can
gradually progress from mild discomfort through contempt to open
hostility.
 
2. "Oh? You called?"
 
Never ever answer the phone yourself.  When someone calls you,
you are always "away".  For some reason, call-requests never
reach you.
 
3. Be forgetful
 
Forget such trivial matters as invitations, parties and
promises.
 
4. Remember "nice" anecdotes
 
When you are in a company where the soon-to-be-forgotten
acquaintance is present, remember to tell embarrassing little
reminiscenses that will make the person look like the complete,
utter fool he/she no doubt is.  This is especially useful, if the
person has a girl-/boyfriend present.  That being the case, you
might concentrate on stories that make him/her seem violent and
unlivable with in general.
 
5. Speak in plurals
 
Whenever your target invites you somewhere, remember to use the
plural, should you accept the invitation. "Oh, WE'll be
delighted to come".  In languages where the use of a distinct
second person singular is possible, this makes for very
amusing conversations.   After tolerating your partner a few
times, the target should tone down the frequency of invitations.
 
6. Keep up the visits
 
As the invitations start becoming scarce, you should start
calling the victim day after day.  You're having such a dull
time at home, and you really had fun the other day.. is it ok
that you come by today? Preferrably at an inconvenient time, of
course.  Once you're at it, do bring your friends too.  The less
likely they are to please your host, the better.
 
7.  Speak of rope in a hanged man's house
 
If you can't dig up any former unpleasantries, choose the
subject of discussion with care.  Computers in the home of a
computer-illiterate, cars, model airplanes.. Anything as long as
it's something you can get into long, detailed talks that have
no interest whatsoever to a layman, such as the host, who is not
a devout practitioner like you and your friends.
 
8.  Spread the word
 
Speak about the target with your friends, so, once you drag them
over to the zoo-exhibit, they can say something to effect of
"So, _this_ is the *suppressed giggle* X, I've been hearing so
much about."  Should the host be so inexcusably rude as to ask
exactly what is it that entirely unknown people have heard about
him/her, the answer should be something like "Oh, *giggle*,
just... stories". 
 
9.  It pays to be polite
 
You, your mate and your friends should be ever so _thrilled_
with the charming wit of the host.  Yes, your mate too; the
change has an excellent effect on credibility. When speaking with
him/her, emulate the target's style of speech, pass little,
extremely transparent courtesies, find out what the host
would like to hear about him-/herself, and then overdo it,
while at the same time emptying the victim's stores of the
social drinkables of your choice.  The danger in this
technique is the target's personality: should the target
be of less than average intellect and/or have trouble
with his/her self-esteem, the excessive "courtesy" might
accidentally make the victim feel closer to you.
 
10. End of operation
 
Sooner or later your former friend will cease to call you, start
avoiding you, declare him-/herself tired, or just plain busy
when you try to invade his/her home.  Continue being a bore for
a short while, and then cut all contact. When the victim has
not contacted you for a month or so, change your phone number.
(If you can move away, all the better.)
Operation concluded.
 
 
Disclaimer:  All similarities with persons alive or dead are
             coincidental.

--
Esa Perki|               "I should honor you?  Why?"
eperkio@cc.helsinki.fi      - Prometheus to Zeus according to Goethe
IRCer Shade