From: jss@kepler.unh.edu (Spectre)
Subject: Re: Request Shit list
Organization: University of No Holidays - UNH - East somewhere
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 22:45:22 GMT

                            THE SHIT LIST
                            -------------

THE GHOST SHIT
    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
    there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's
    no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
    You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up
    putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you don't ruin 
    them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
    This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, 
    and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
    Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
    You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and         
    practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
    No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
    The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down        
    without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT
    The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
    It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
    toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
    The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
    all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
    Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of your
    ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
    That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
    splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
    chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
    A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
    This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
    show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
    This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby 
    allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
    This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
    the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
    A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
    This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
    within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
    This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
    A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
    Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
    resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
    A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in
    a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
    push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
    This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
    putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
    Now you see it, now you don't.  This shit is playing games with
    you.  Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
    A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
    inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
    are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
    A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
    position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
    This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
    event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
    Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
    This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
    woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
    An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
    God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
    Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
    Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
    Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
    The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
    you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
    This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
    over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
    Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
    The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
    be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
    Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap Shits. The shape and size
    of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
    the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
    The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
    have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to
    your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
    When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
    rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
    When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and  
    make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
    Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
    anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
    near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
    air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
    Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop 
    off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
-- 
'The drunker I sit here, the longer I get'
|         Jeff Schreiber               | "The way to ski these things [moguls] |
|       jss@kepler.unh.edu             |  Is to go to total panic..............|
|    j_schreiber@unhh.unh.edu          |  Then....Back off." -Mike Hatrup      |
               My opinions are mine and only mine. I don't care 
               if they are wrong and you can't have them anyway!
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