From: rsr@soda.berkeley.edu (Roy S. Rapoport)
Newsgroups: talk.rape
Subject: Re: Advice from my father
Date: 19 Dec 1992 23:49:47 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley, CS Undergraduate Association
NNTP-Posting-Host: soda.berkeley.edu

In article <1992Dec8.180217.9489@news.stolaf.edu> cjohnson@lars.acc-admin.stolaf.edu (Carrie L Johnson) writes:

->Last Feb i wrote my parents a letter telling them everything. They
->immeadiatly accused me of lying.  Once they did finally believe me they
->asked me to never tell anyone, and to keep this as quiet as possible.  They
->were afraid that people would think i was trying to "show off" by telling
->them how much pain i had made it through (or am making it through).
->Personally i think that my father was ashamed that i had remained with this
->man after he had hurt me the first time.  He once told me that he couldn't
->understand why i would go back to someone who had hurt me so much.  
[...]
->I was wondering what people out there thought about being public as a
->survivor.  I was also wondering: for those of you who are survivors, if
->you've told your parents, how did THEY react?  I'm just curious.  Feel free
->to respond either publically or privatly.

About being public as a survivor:
    I'm not a survivor.  I am, however, queer.  I also practice S&M (sadism
    / masochism).  There are some points, I think, that are similar in both
    of these ... the shame, the possible public reprocussions, the possible
    damage to your career, to your social life, etc ... There's also the
    fear of being outed (though I _suspect_ that's more prevalent when
    you're someone like me, rather than when you're a victim).
    I'm out.  Completely.  I don't necessarily flaunt what I'm into (other
    than the thin leather bracelet and the freedom rings on my wrist), but
    if the topic comes up, I'll be out about it.  I may even bring the topic
    up if I feel like it.
    For me, being out is freedom.  It's a few less skeletons in my closet, a
    few more things that are out in the open and that can't be used against
    me.
    Frankly, it's also an issue of pride.  I'm _proud_ to be queer, I'm
    _proud_ to be a pervert.  Society has told me to be a certain way, and
    I've done what I felt was right, not what was taught to me.  
    I've seen what rape does to people, thankfully from a second-hand
    perspective.  I've seen how it eroded their confidence, their trust in
    themselves, their trust in the world.  
    Those of you who are survivors did, as the name imply, _survive_.  I
    _personally_ can't think of a lot of things which are worse than rape in
    terms of damage of the psyche.  Surviving something like this is
    something that I think that quite a few people deserve to be proud of
    ... 
    All IMHO, of course.

About parents:  
    I know of at least one case, that of one of my loved ones, where the
    victim came out to her parents.  In this case, her mother pretty much
    just told her it was her fault for tempting the man (she had her shirt
    off at the time), and that she should snap out of her depression.  I've
    seen what it did to her ... I think she was strong enough to pretty much
    cope with "it was all your fault" from strangers ... but to get it from
    her _mother_ was quite a bit worse.  
    I've seen her change.  It's a nice change.  I've seen her go from "she's
    my mother, she loves me, she must be right," which was how she was when
    we met, to "Mom, as long as you keep believing I was asking for it, I
    can't talk with you" more recently.  I've seen her become more assertive
    that it _wasn't_ her fault.  At the same time, I've seen her become more
    open and out about her rape.  There may be a connection there.  I'm not
    saying there is.  I don't know enough to say that.

-roy



 
-- 
Roy S. Rapoport     internet: rsr@soda.berkeley.edu      bitnet: rsrsoda@ucbocf
anonymous mail: wi.5836@n7kbt.rain.com        androphile, gynophile, kerryphile
"What I used to think is me / is just a faded memory." -NIN
DISCLAIMER:  I speak for the University of California at Berkeley.  Rrrright.