From: coates@newton.physics.uq.oz.au (Tony Coates)
Subject: Re: sigh...
Organization: Physics Dept. The University of Queensland
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 04:35:43 GMT

In article <BtKLv1.1EG@acsu.buffalo.edu>, v076jy2p@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Cosmo Of The Cosmos) writes:
|> I'm getting too old.
|> 	I'm way too nice.  I'm not as bitter as I should be.  I notice the
|> good things that happen too much.  When my roommate asks me to leave for 
|> an hour or two, I don't get angry and wish that was me.
|> 	What happened to the cynical young boy I grew up as?  Teased alot,
|> beat up alot, hurt all the time.  No friends, no hope.  It was so comforable.
|> So easy to be bitter.  So easy not to care.  What happened?
|> 	She happened.  Just thinking about her makes me smile.  I'm happy.
|> 	She's leaving.  She's joined the army.  I'm here at colledge and she's
|> back home getting ready to leave.  We promised to stay together.  I asked
|> her to marry me.  We desided to wait until I graduate.  That's two years from
|> now.  Two years of occational visits  and letters and phone calls.
|> 	I don't mind waiting.  I see it as a way to prove to her I'm willing to
|> do anything for her.  But she doesn't believe I love her.  She doubts my love.
|> 	She gets angry with me.  Over nothing important most of the time.
|> She yells at me, insults me, says things she doesn't mean, trys to push
|> me away...
|> 	Just to see if I'll stay.
|> 	I'd die for her, she thinks it just words.
|> 	She loves me, but she's been hurt before, she's told me about her
|> earlier boyfriends.  She says she's scared of losing me.  I tell her
|> she doesn't have to be.  I love her.
|> 	I feel like I have no control.  Not like before.  Why can't she just
|> let me love her.
|> 	I'm done.

Dear Cosmo,
	It was very nice of you to share this with everyone
here.  It seems that you certainly love her very much.  It
must seem terrible, having to wait so long to prove yourself.
And yet, I hope that you will forgive me if I say that, given
that she has just joined the army, and that you are still at
university, it is probably not a bad thing, if what you
really want is a relationship that can last a long time,
difficult as that is to know.
	Now that she has joined the army, she will surely
change in some ways, because we all do when we come to these
junctures in our lives.  We are moulded to the circumstances
around us, and may not notice the change ourselves.  You will
change too, no doubt, when you finish your degree and move on
to some new challenge in life.
	Sometimes these changes can enrich a relationship,
but sometimes they can destroy it completely.  Sometimes we
love our partner for what they are, but not for what they
will become - for who can know?  So her caution at this time,
as she enters the army, no matter what reasoning is behind
it, may not be such a bad thing in the longer run.  If it is
to be, then things will work themselves out, I am sure.  If
not, well, one can only be happy for what was.  Perhaps this
last sentence may seem to be somewhat negative, it is because
I think that we have to be brave and honest enough to
recognise that there is, sadly, no such thing as a sure
romance.  How can you hold on to someone forever, as you
would a possession, unless you treat them as a possession? 
Giving someone the freedom to be themselves means also giving
them the freedom to stay or go.  And it hurts when they go,
if so they choose, but if you don't risk the hurt, then you
don't risk the happiness either.
	Nothing that I could write here could really make you
feel better, I think, but I would hate for anyone to start
out loving someone as I did and then live through the pain
of growing apart.  Still, many have, and yet many will.
	You just have to give her time to make up her mind,
whatever her decision.  Sometimes you can love someone no
more than to let them make their own decision, whether it be
right or wrong, no matter how it hurts.  But it's not ever so
easy.
	You have my best wishes,
						Tony.
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