From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Subject: Re: Holly's theory about the conflict surroungind Ed
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 20:53:19 GMT

In article <1992Nov16.175006.9592@u.washington.edu> taylor@hardy.u.washington.edu (Allen D. Taylor) writes:
>In article <BxoExz.6J7@twwells.com> anon-1370@twwells.com (Mary) writes:
>>Holly (Enigma) posits the theory that the reason that so many people get
>>irritated with Ed is because of socialized differences in communication 
>>patterns and patterns of emotional expression in men and women.
>
>I really had to pause and meditate before replying to this post.  I
>immediately felt a very large wave of anger come over me when I read this.
> Even though I have decided how I would feel comfortable responding to
>this post,  I am tempted to flame away.  But I won't.  That is not how L
>want to live my life.
>
>Instead I will tell you WHY I feel anger at this post.
>
>First is that I find the men vs women tone to be very confrontational and
>condescending.  I did not read in this post (I acknowledge that my issues
>may not have 'allowed me to see it) the idea that EVERYONE is different. 
>In point of fact, my first wife was exactly like the way Holly describes
>men in this post.  The whole reason our 17 year marriage finally ended was
>that she refused to deal with issues confronting us.
>
>The second, and probably most important reason this post angered me is
>that I felt my efforts at recovery to be minimized by it.  I try very
>hard to not behave as my first wife did.  Although I like to get issues
>out in the open and discussed and dealt with, I do not have much
>experience at doing it.  After all, for 17 years I wasn't allowed to.  So
>Holly comes along and tells me how I, a man, behave.  Of course on
>introspection I realized that Holly wasn't telling me how I behave, she
>was expressing her personal experience with some number of men, even though
>she didn't phrase it that way.  I also realized that I am in recovery for
>me.  That I am the only one whose judgement of my recovery I care about. 
>I have looked for too many years to others for my worth.  Holly's opinion
>of my recovery (which is not what she offered but what I heard) is not
>germane to me and my reality.


Well, I felt a wave of anger when I read *your* post, although
intellectually I know that it's just a misunderstanding:  the post you
are replying to is not *my* post, it's Mary's *reply* to my post
(which did not even include any quoted material from my post).  I feel
a lot of resentment at being blamed for what someone else said.  

The fact that this particular feeling of anger and resentment probably
means I have something to work on.  Probably boundary issue stuff.  If
I didn't care about how I was perceived on asar, I would just shrug it
off.  But I don't *want* to keep my defenses high around here,
especially right now, because I really need the emotional support and
sense of community I get from asar because I'm tackling some really
scary memories, and if I don't feel safe I just shut up like a clam.  
So I feel like I have to speak up and express my feelings about this.
 
I feel hurt way out of proportion to what you actually said.  I feel
really bad today - in fact I'm taking the day off work.  I was writing
to a good friend from here on asar last night, and felt really
overwhelmed and panicky about the thought of remembering something (I
don't know exactly what).  So I'm feeling very sensitive today, hence
my strong reation to what was probably an innocent misunderstanding.

-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)     
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery