From: sandro@asylum.UUCP (Sandro Wallach)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Just Questions
Date: 4 Sep 92 16:37:20 GMT

aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat) writes:
>I have some questions and I'd appreciate any input from you guys.
>Do you have dreams? What are they like?

I have various interesting and pleasant and ordinary and strange
dreams from time to time, like most people seem to, most of the time.
Then, sometimes, I have special dreams -- dreams that I wake from with
overwhelming emotions.

But the most interesting dreams are the ones where I realize I'm
dreaming and decide to take control and explore on my own.

For example, a year ago, I found myself dreaming that I was standing
in front of my house.  "Hmmmm," I thought to myself, "as long as I'm
here in this realistic dreamland, I guess I might as well have some
fun."  I thought about acting out some impulses which I control when
awake (which I'm not prepapred to describe here), but instead I just
jumped into the air and started flying down my street.  I flew down to
the corner and back again a couple times, and then I found myself
flying through the bars of a playground jungle-gym, and I started to
dangerously lose control of my flight.  So I decided to wake up; I got
up and turned the light on and realized I was still asleep.  I tried
again, several times, each time thinking for a time I had succeeded.
I got more and more scared that I'd never be able to wake up, that I'd
be trapped here forever.  I tried to scream or bang my hand against
the wall to get my roommate's attention....   Eventually, I thought I
heard him actually make a sound (maybe he really did) and I woke up.
I was so scared I couldn't get out of bed for a long time.

I've had more dreams like that, since, and as I've become more aware
of the forms of my abuse, my choices and semi-controllable dreamworlds
have become more explicitly related.  The most recent one, a few weeks
ago, had me sometimes chosing and sometimes being forced to reenact
bits of sexual abuse I half-remember.  But again, unlike my normal
dreams, in these dreams I know I'm dreaming, I know this is all in my
head, and I feel I have *some* conscious control over what's going on.
(In the dreams, I even stop and think about how this dream is
different from other dreams, and how I'm going to describe it.)  And I
always end up trapped and terrified.


>Where were you un-involved parents or adult protective figures? Did none of
>us have them?

Mine were variously incompetent, wrapping in their own problems,
absent, or directly abusive in their anger, confusion, and neediness.
And until VERY recently I thought they were the best parents anyone
could have.

>How do you deal with your parents/siblings - especially if you think they may
>not remember either?

My sister and I now commiserate on how bad our family situation was at
times, but mostly on her prompting.  She doesn't want to hear what I
have to say about my own abuse (althought I did make her know how I
felt about some of what she had done to me).  I mean it literally --
if I start to talk about it, even tangentially, she'll say, "I don't
want to hear this.  I'm not listening."

My father is like that, too, only less direct.   My mother wants to
hear and know everything; she can redefine and explain it all away, if
I let her.  (She studied Jung a lot.)  

It's hard for me to avoid losing myself with family, so I've been
starting to avoid them, and keep more emotional distance when I'm with
them.

>Thank you!!!

You're welcome.   Thanks for an excuse to talk about myself.   :-)

>Hang in there,

Yeah yeah.

>-Anne

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery