From: 96rpg@williams.edu (the Straw Dogs)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: hamster-ball reality
Date: 27 Jan 93 19:47:48 GMT
Organization: Williams College, Williamstown, MA
NNTP-Posting-Host: bigbird.cc.williams.edu

In article <86639@ut-emx.uucp> llama@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine) writes:
>
>i mean, in theory, i have almost everything you could want: 
>if you described
>my life to me, i'd think "wow, cool, sounds fun."
>
>but it all tastes distant, like it's something i'm reading about in
>the paper, not something i'm living. except for periodic flashes of
>intensity (that usually don't last more than a few hours at best), the
>day-to-day reality of meness is *boring*.
>but where am i going
>with this? what's the point? is there any reason to keep moving? if i
>keep it going for a few more days, it'll be friday and i can get
>vaguely intoxicated and go let music flow through me like a shower and
>everything will feel deeply meaningful for three hours.  then i'll go
>home and go to sleep again. i don't even think having a permanent
>lover would change much; it would just make things inside my hamster
>ball all that more crowded. i mean, at least this way i can see
>everything all around me with minimal distortion. i'm not even sure
>that this state is a problem, unless over-realism is problematic.

some of us are certain that the *inability* to be realistic is the
problem, and wish we had your insight...

>the ball i bought my hamster had a little door in the top you used to
>put the hamster in and take him out. sometimes i think that i do
>things like drop acid as a way to look for that door, to figure out
>its mechanism. if i ever found it, though, would i be brave enough to
>go out? and what would i do out there, run off into the front yard and
>play in the leaves? or just creep around the edges and steal crackers?

i'm not altogether convinced that dropping acid or any sort of
substance is necessary for enlightenment or even a new view of life,
but if it works, go at it.

but first ask yourself exactly what you're doing. a friend of mine
who i cared for very deeply began using drugs as just that sort of
escape: i think i understand too much of life to go on being lucid.
now, last i heard, she is addicted to heroin and is desperately
clinging to a roman catholic faith that i don't think is genuine. i
saw in stages one of the most intelligent, savvy, together people in
my life turn into a shaking wreck.

someone i met here in college scared me to death two months ago by
saying almost the same thing... my life is too perfect, too easy. i've
got almost everything i want and there's no excitement anymore. i
think i need to get addicted to something to liven things up a bit.

i thought she was joking: it's not the type of statement normally
heard. but later on, after some other refrences and hints, i talked to
her and tried to sound her out... she said "i appreciate your concern,
but i can't promise you anything. if i start something, i'll do it."

damn, this is turning into some nancy reagan antidrug commercial.
that's not what i mean. experimentation is fine, if done with some
concern for basic safety- what scares me, though, is the use of drugs
as an escape, as a substitute for friends and real life (whatever that
is- not that i'm saying there isn't one, but).

anyway, if you're bored with your life, how about emailing me some of it?

---
straw dog


"love cries for freedom, so let's keep it together,
 give it what it needs..."  -- poi dog pondering

"breathe deep, fill up with relief, don't go mad, don't go mad
 life is along with you: learn from your past
 i've been a reading my history to learn what the others have seen
 blood in the hollow of my heart, sweat on the skin of my chest
 run a little bit faster now and breathe a little deeper
 come to me come to me, set me free set me free
 jack ass ginger jack ass ginger"  -- poi dog pondering again...
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