From: sekhar@geronimo.sps.mot.com (Jean Valjean)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.asian.american
Subject: Re: Perfect Families
Date: 31 Jul 92 00:07:24 GMT
Reply-To: sekhar@geronimo.sps.mot.com
Organization: Motorola, Inc.

In article 8868@pasteur.Berkeley.EDU, sahai@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Anant Sahai) writes:
>In article <1992Jul30.162812.17848@draco.macsch.com> rot@mickie.id.macsch.com writes:
>>In article <4572@dove.nist.gov>, hira@cme.nist.gov (Ron Hira) writes:
>>|> With the discussions about degree envy, one thing kept coming to mind.
>	Degree Envy! I have heard many people discussing this
>phenomenon. I have to say that I have NEVER seen this in my group of
>friends and family either here or in India. Of course every parent is
>proud of what his kids have accomplished, but it never becomes a case
>of "my kid is better than your kid.
>

I think that among families with superficial friendships, there is a good
amount of this degree envy between the PARENTS of these families.  The parents
of these families will try to brag about their kids every chance they get, because
there is a chance to get a leg up on the other families.  However, with families
who are really good friends, I see very little of that.  If there has been a 
huge accomplishment made by one of the children, the proud parents may bring it
up, but usually all the families are up to date on all the kids, and so there
is no sense of bragging...

>>|> Every Asian-Indian family that I meet likes to put on a front that 
>>|> their family is perfect and that everyone in it is doing exceptionally
>>|> well. Its like they'll never admit any faults to you, which is quite
>>|> the opposite of what most white people I've met do. 
> 

I find it hard to believe that white families are dying to tell everyone
of their problems.  I think they will hide their problems until they feel
it necessary or worthwhile to make them public, and I think the same
is true of Indian families.  Indian families may on the whole be a little
more reluctant to do so, but I think this may have to do with the traditional
role of outsiders in India.  I don't think (at least in the small villages
I have lived in in India) there is the same emphasis on cultivating close 
friendships as there is in this country.  Therefore, Indian families may find it
a little harder to take outsiders into their confidence, but I don't think
it is all that different than white families here.

> I know that this is un-P.C. to say, but I think the reason "Every"
>Asian-Indian family you meet acts like it is perfect (from your point
>of view, compared to the white people you have met) is not only a
>"front", there is some reality to it. 
> Based on my experience, I would maintain that Most Indian families in
>the US ACTUALLY do not have that many problems. I know that out of my
>very close circle of friends, everybody has basically a very nice
>family life. No divorce, no substance abuse, no abuse. I think this is
>just a consequence of the type of Indians that are generally in the
>U.S. Mostly we consist of Engineers and Doctors from very nice
>families. Couple that to a pretty strong value system and you end up
>with pretty nice families.
>I don't deny that there are some "fronts" put up. Why would any family
>tell you their problems if they have NO really good reason to trust
>you? I just don't want people to think that just because they don't
>hear about problems, the problems must be being covered up. It is also
>possible that the problems simply are not there.

I think I may have to disagree with Anant here.  While there are plenty of
Indian families who have "perfect kids" (who may have "problems" that the
parents have no clue about), I think there are plenty of families with problematic
children around.  I think that the circles anant moves in may see less of this
because of the extremely high academic standards of his group of friends (if you 
haven't guessed, I know Anant), but I think there are enough Indian families with
problems out there.


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Sekhar Narayanaswami		"The waiting is the hardest part
sekhar@ssdt-tempe.sps.mot.com	 Everyday you get one more yard
				 You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
				 The waiting is the hardest part" - Tom Petty
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Newsgroups: soc.culture.asian.american