From: anon-1241@twwells.com (Goldberry)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Goldberry's lost ***** SPOILERS ***** (second try)
Date: 5 Oct 92 09:12:50 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: no


Hmm... something went wrong last time, and only the beginning of
my message got through.  Lets see, if I now can get this right.

Here is the story of my whereabouts January - June 1992, and it
is pretty heavy stuff, so please take a minute to think about if
this is the right time for you to read this.  I certainly won't
mind you pressing "n" now - do take care of yourself!

E-hugs for those who want them.

********************SPOILERS***AHEAD***********************
1 These
2 are
3 just
4 empty
5 lines
6 to
7 make
8 it
9 safe
10 for
11 you
12 to
13 get
14 to
15 the
16 next
17 article
18 with
19 no
20 scary
21 moments
22 or
23 pain.
24 Now there, a screenfull :-)

Gary Bourgois once wrote in soc.singles, in one of his
wonderfully written autobiographical (long) articles that he at
times feels that his life is "an insane play written by a
sadistic maniac".  More than once during this last year (since
X-mas 1991) I have thought if maybe this might be some sort of
a contagious virus that is electronically transmitted.  Or maybe
that sadistic maniac has a twin somewhere?  Anyway, Murphy sure
seems to have hit jackpot with me lately...  Luckily, it hasn't
been all bad, but it sure has been a roller-coster ride beyond my
wildest imagination - the wawes of both pain and joy have been
_really_ strong and high.


In the end of January someone I thought to be my best friend
(female) got a rather unfair deal with her insurance coverage for
her therapy.  For some reason she grew very angry and bitter
towards me (I have a wonderful deal, my therapy costs me nothing
at the moment), claiming that "rich kids" get all the breaks,
even with these kinds of thigs.  Also, she claimed that I was
being hurtful towards her, when I did not like her statements
about "rich kids are so-and-so" and "the upper class gets it
all", that I should not mind those comments, because they were a)
true and b) not meant personally and c) she had always told me
that she gets very aggressive in her emails when she is angry, so
I should only have payed attention to the factual content and not
to the anger expressed, anyway.

I did not take this at all well.  From my point of view someoone
I had trusted with my innermost secrets was turning against me
and at the same time totally denying that that was what she was
doing.  The level of aggression in her email messages scared me
s**tless, as I had not had any experiences of a close aggressor
since my father died (bless the day), and her behavior brought
back the memories big time.

I got scared, confused, hurt and depressed.

Things didn't much improve, when the next week someone I had
respected and looked up to hung herself (yes, she died, too - I
hadn't even realized that she had had a severe drinking problem,
and of course I took myself on a nice little guilt-trip because
of that...).  Nor the week after that, when someone even closer
had a miscarriage, just when everybody had started to talk so
gladly about their new baby. (deep sigh)

The suicide pushed me to take a hard look at my own drinking
problems, even if they have long been in the past and I'm glad to
say that the shock shook off whatever cravings I still may have
subconciously hung onto.  Also, I had to face the fact that even
women can kill themselves (I had grown used to that men can and
do do this) and that women aren't necessarily any stronger or
more reliable than men (I hadn't realized that I had put a bigger
part of my feelings of security in the thought that "women don't
do it, women don't give up" - which of cource isn't realistic).
This self-scrutiny was hard and scary.  The miscarriage again
caused me to face fears of loosing loved ones (BIG BUTTON), fears
of not being able to have kids of my own etc.  That was no
picnic, either.


By mid-Febryary I had dropped out of all my courses and just
stayed at home, mostly in bed, reading the "Don't Kill Yourself"
part of Courage To Heal over and over and over again.  I got a
horrible flu, mostly I think it was my whole system's message to
me to drop everything and just rest and take care of myself.
Today I'm glad I did.

I fortified my safe place with a soft blanket and rearranged my
soft animals to be as close as possible.  I spent a lot of time
searching for and reading supportive books (I will write sort of
a book review some time later - books can be VERY helpful!!),
watching kids' movies and cartoons (like Resquers, The
Neverending Story, The Secret of Nimh and the like - the more
fantastic the story the better) or human relationships comedies,
mostly with a feminist (woman wins the evil system) angle, like
Nine To Five or humorous, non-violent "action" films like
Disorganized Crime (God I loved that one! :-).  

I continued to go to therapy thrice a week, with flu and all.
And I hung in there with my Weight Watchers' group, putting an
extra effort in eating a balanced diet as not to neglect myself
physically.  I also made a deal with myself, that as long as I
was feeling this lousy, I would not take any chemical substanse
into my body, not even an Aspirin, unless I really had to.  Most
importantly: No Alcohol for the time being.  I'm very glad for
that decision now.

I guess it took that exteme stress to really bring it out in me,
that I don't want to die anymore and I don't want to suffer.  I
realized that I want to give myself a good life, both physically,
mentally, socially and spiritually (even if at the time I wasn't
att all convinced I would be able to - but at least I would do my
damndest to try...).


When it comes to household routines etc. I just went through the
motions, somehow I understood not to demand too much from myself.
It was a really hard time for Tom (he had to take care of
everything he needed on his own and face my constant need for
reassurance and safety as well), but he was unbeliavably
understanding and patient.  Not an angel (thank goodness), but a
BIG help.  


Then in the end of Febryary (The 24th or 25th, whichever was a
Thursday), I had a really scary and revealing flashback in
therapy.  I realized that I HAD TOLD MY MOM - and that she had
fled from the situation, totally refusing to take any
responsibility or action for my or my sisters' protection.
Dammit, she left a THREE-YEAR-OLD *ALONE* to handle the aftermath
of a violent, at least from my viewpoint (both then and now)
life-threatening assault.  And she left us all three wide open
for futher violations.  Jesus!!!

After that I gradually grew more and more fearful and mistrusting
towards my mother.  I did not tell her about this emerged memory,
but we discussed it a lot in therapy.  I avoided talking with her
on the phone, was very short and business-like, was often "busy"
when she called or simply just turned the answering machine on if
I was home alone.  But at least that kept her at an arm's lenght
while I pondered at what I wanted to do, if anything, with this
new information.


During this time (Jan-Feb) I had stopped reading the News and
then my e-mail and finally I refused to even log in or visit the
school premises.  I simply did not have the energy then - my own
situation was bad enough and I felt that *any* kind of questions
or requests (even a simple "How are you?") would feel too heavy.
Also I turned away from anything and everything that might have
something to do with my troubled "friend" (she is a student of
the same field as I am) and sort of took a "course" in healing,
instead.  I must have read a whole yard of books by now, and I've
sometimes joked that I should get 10 credits for healing alone
during last spring.


In February-March I also found someone I realized could maybe
become a good friend, and even though I felt _really_ funny
"reading the manual", I read very carefully the "Intimacy" part
of CTH, and have been practicing the "share-check-share" concept
with her ever since.  So far I've learned to see, what real
listening and respect for my feelings and honesty most likely
look like.  She is also a survivor, and I have watched her
awareness of this and the memories break through, and it has been
a big but positive chalenge to be there for her without pushing
(I had a pretty good idea what was coming several months before
she could face it at all and at times I really had to bite my
tongue not to say too much or suggest things I felt it would be
better for her to figure out herself).

This is a human relationship that gives me real hope!  She does
not know everything about me yet (as I don't know everyting about
her - setting healthy boundaries and discussing them has been a
big thing for us, very important and very satisfying, now that it
seems to work), but I feel as safe as I can feel with her, and I
have factual reasons for it, not mere hopes and wishes.  Besides,
we have had some truly wonderfully fun times together, too.
She's easy to be both happy and serious with, so I'm really glad
I stumbled over her.  Now if I only could also _believe_ in my
good luck... :-/  but in time I guess I will.


During Eastern I visited a local church (night mass) and
participated in the Lord's Supper for the first time in years,
and started to actively work on my spiritual needs (this is a
real 180-degrees turn - this has before been an area that I have
mercilessly stuffed away in myself).  I'm not at all nuts about
most of the organized religions available in my area, but I
intend to at least give the different congregations a chance and
"shop around".  I've even toyed with the thought of starting a
church of my own, but that is definitely only an idea for the
time being, I don't have the energy or the knowledge or the
really pressing need right now.  But if I haven't found what I'm
looking for in, say, three years, who knows - I'm known for
starting "crazy" things... >;) (wicked grin)


In April I reached my weight goal and started maintaining and in
the beginning of May I got my "Honorary Membership" in Weight
Watchers (or whatever it is called in the US/UK).  Then all May I
had an upset stomach, on and off, and in the beginning of June my
doctor diagnosed an intolerance for lactosis, i.e. the type of
sugar that is in milk.  Like _really_ refreshing to re-learn a
big part of my diet all over again!  Like I didn't have enough
problems already!


Then in July my youngest sister returned home after three years
abroad, and we started to clear up the family economy.  And THAT
is when the s**t _really_ hit the fan...

... (thinking, realizing I don't want to tire myself completely
with this)...

It is getting late, so I guess I'll continue my story later.
Anyway, the way Mother has been acting all summer and the stunts
she has tried to pull on us kids, I'm truly _grateful_ for my
ghastly spring, as without the coping and healing skills I
learned then I would simply have crumbled to pieces under her
pressure.  She is trying to steal our inheritage, but luckily she
has been rather stupid about it (she is so secretive she doesn't
want to consult a lawyer, and that has so far given me and my
sisters an upper hand - we have a good one).

So, I'm back.  Wounded, scared, bewildered, but also stronger and
determined to survive, win, get my life together and heal.  I
won't let the sun go down on me anymore, I deserve better than
what I've been getting for so long.


Megathanks to all who had the courage and strengt to read this
far.  Take care & C ya again soon.  E-hugs if you're safe with
them.

And, IF (and only if) you feel comfortable with it: be blessed by
whatever Higher Power you have chosen.


Goldberry



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