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Date:         Mon, 17 Aug 1992 10:26:07 -0500
From:         ANTHLAL@UMNACVX.BITNET
Subject:      pat & dutch on the road to zanzibar

well....
tonight's the night, in the words of the immortal canadian neil young.
y'know, i think you will indeed see buchanan placards and such...pat is
speaking tonight, and therefore you will see them once and once only.
look quickly;  if ya blink you'll miss 'em.  i had a talk with my bestest
friendster, _sassy_ columnist marcus aurelius butler (really) and we decided
that pat will not say anything too exciting, nor will he significantly impact
the "dump the candidate" movement (for which we are, like randall terry,
praying our little hearts out).  now, what did occur to us, as we were
maniacally giggling about dana carvey's characterization of pat as
"patty-patty buch-buch" was that his (sing along now) "cou---sin;  identical
cou---sin" does, in actuality, exist...except that the cousin is a sister.
don't laugh...i'm from kentucky, this sort of thing happens all the time  ;-)
yes, the fair babe buchanan is apparently making all kinds of waves down there.
   she is especially being difficult about the quayle scene.  i think that dan
might, just might, decline nomination.  that'd sure as hell shake things up.

on the other hand, it's highly unlikely that something like that will happen,
especially given that the site for a quayle/gore debate has been chosen.
now, two things spring to mind on *that* front.  first of all...why??
i mean, look...you *know* who's gonna win.  what genius spin doctor let this
one through the net?  (maybe he/she was at the mall with barbara's handlers
at the time.) second...it is a source of great amusement to me that it is
going to be held in beautiful louisville, kentucky...self-proclaimed
"city of the seventies," when i was growing up there.  now, the reason this is
bizarre is because there are exactly two groups of people that kentuckians
think are more asinine than themselves...("kentucky...the low self-image
state! come visit our okay mountains!  i mean, it's no colorado, but, hey,
you could do worse")..and those are hoosiers and volunteers.  this may
have something to do with bobby knight and whoever it is who coaches
tennessee football.  but anyway.  nobody there is gonna turn out to see
a guy from indiana and a guy from tennessee *debate*, for cryin' out loud.
i wonder if there is any way they could incorporate some monster mudder
trucks into this whole picture?  some sort of wrestling thing?

but i digress.  babe buchanan is being the busy little bee she knows how to
be and has apparently organized a substantial group of people to support
her big brother.  we shall see.  this may be the only night i watch (yeah,
right.  we all know how well i stick to my resolutions).  i *do* want to
see dutch.  seven-thirty central is the time i heard.  hmmm.  wonder what
he'll say.  wonder what his reception will be.  anyone know if gerry and
dick are on the schedule to speak?

otherwise, i'll just be holed up in my apartment, watching comedy central's
coverage.  you know, al franken apparently is being hit up for an
endorsement by clinton's people.  go effin' figure.  you *want* al franken's
endorsement?  i mean, hey, once you've got penny marshall all lined up, who
else do you need?  i might add here that i'm a little bit depressed today, and
so am looking forward to the levity of the evening....my favorite
professional sports team lost yesterday, right at the end.  yeah, i know,
it was only a pre-season game, but it still bugs me when they lose.  it is
my personal opinion that they blew it when they put in that idiot nobody
quarterback there in the third quarter.  what a dolt.  guy went to
william and mary.  sheesh.  like this university has made any kind of
contribution to the talent pool of this country since 1860 or so.

so, in closing, i hereby list some southernisms (and texisms) that will
probably come up throughout the course of the convention which the
broadcasters probably won't know, and which you might consider sprinkling
liberally through your own personal dialects, 'cause that's the way the
good lord intended it t' be.
    1) *that* girl looks like she was rode hard & put up wet
    2) ah don't know, that there houston astadome's out on the hell end
       of nowhere from here
    3) it's so hot here in houston i'm sweatin' like a whore on nickel night
    4) hew-whee, that babe buchanan reminds me of a mud fence when it's rainin'
    5) aw, honey, don't pay them pro-choicers no never-mind
    6) i hain't seen so many chanel copy suits since hector was a pup

                                   * * * anneliese "guitars, cadillacs, etc." l.
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