From: jkragh@Data-IO.COM (Jim Kragh)
Subject: Slackful Installation Procedure
Organization: Data I/O Corporation
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 19:39:58 GMT

(gratuitously lifted from unknown source)

UNPACKING AND INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS

CONGRATULATIONS! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give 
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly 
will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.

Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL 
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. You already unpacked it, didn't you?
You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddled with the knobs,
and now your child, the same child who once shoved a polish sausage into your
videocassette recorder and set it on "Fast Forward", this child is also 
fiddling with the knobs, right? And you're just now starting to read the 
instructions, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes, because we're always 
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer 
inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So in writing these 
instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with 
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

I. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

The device in encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who 
like nothing more than to jab spears into the outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT 
THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH 
SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it's her only proof of engagement,
and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole 
thing, in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality 
Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida 
Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE 
LITTLE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you 
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single 
peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the same chilling manner exhibited 
by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say: "WARNING"
* A plastic package containing four 5/17ths of an inch pilfer grommets and 
  two chub-ended 6/93rds of an inch boxcar prowns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 
and say: "You know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way 
through the Drive-Thru at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? 
Because nobody cares, that's why."


II. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical 
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent 
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their 
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong 
is Bigger Than the Other.

Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist 
of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! 
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and 
clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT
IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD
VOID YOUR WARRANTY.

III. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING 
CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE FOLLOWING 
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE,
WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN, BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: 
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next, taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is 
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly 
(something) viewpoint from drawing B.

IV. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those
certain parts, thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and
malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 
2pm, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send 
the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage 
in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS 
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE!