From: srao@leland.Stanford.EDU (Sandeep Rao)
Subject: Marriage, Immigration and ABCD children
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 05:33:54 GMT

I don't know how many of you out there share my opinion, but I think this
'love-marriage'-'arranged marriage' debate is getting rather ridiculous.
What are you guys and gals trying to prove? That one value system is inherently
superior to another? That Indian men are chauvinists and by and large poor
specimens of humanity? That IIWs are too militant in their views?

I believe that most people have ignored the root of the issue which is the
clash of values in the immigrant experience. Most of us came to the U.S. with 
vastly differing views about marriage depending on our upbringing.  However, 
I doubt that any of us can claim not to have been influenced by our experiences
and observations here. Most of you are in various stages of officially
immigrating to this country and marriage is the first and most obvious
instance of a clash in cultural values.

As someone who was born in the U.S. and who spent a substantial part of my
childhood in the U.S. before my family moved back to India, my views on
marriage are kind of open. I would prefer to have a 'love marriage' but if
I am unable to find an IIW in India with whom I share a mutual attraction,
I would not hesitate to go in for a 'modern arranged marriage.' By following
the more unusual ABCD to Desi path and deciding not to consider marriage 
until I'm firmly settled in India, I have resolved the problem for myself.

Unfortunately, most of you are not in the same happy situation as me since
you have already adopted or are in the process of adopting this country as
your new home.  You are facing clashes of values which I faced as a child.
Fortunately, you are adults and can think the issues out rationally and come
to some compromise. But with all the bashing about male/female rights, not
once have you stopped to consider the emotional trauma that the children of
these marriages of convenience will have to bear. If you, as adults, can get
so worked up and perhaps confused about an issue such as marriage, can you
imagine the kind of inner tensions and identity crisis that a young Indian
child must go through while growing up in an environment radically 
different from his/her experiences at home. How many of you have grown up
as a racial minority? If you can begin to understand issues like this, you'll
realize why hateful mail bashing everything Indian in sight originates from
some individuals at CMU.  And also you may not be so surprised when your
children begin to say/do things which do not meet with your conception of
how an Indian child should behave.

About a year ago I posted a few articles about returning to India and then 
quit in disgust when I realized that people on this newsgroup were only
interested in debating problems, giving an unending stream of advice and 
blaming the sorry situation of our country on someone or the other. 
Indian nationalism it appears means anti-Pakistan bashing, pro-BJP flag waving,
intransigience or even failure to recognize real problems such as Kashmir and 
Punjab, cheering our cricket team at the World Cup, etc. rather than a desire
to return to India and contribute in some way to the growth of India. It's
all rather sad considering that our independence movement was led by a
western-educated elite while the intellectual elite of our generation have
sought greener pastures away from India. So, while we have political freedom,
economic freedom has eluded us.

In the year that has gone by, my convictions and desire to return home have
only grown stronger. However, I've also learnt to respect those who choose
to settle down here. I can accept that some may not be willing to take the
risks or the sacrifices (are there any really?) involved in going back to 
India.  But it still makes me rather angry to hear marriage discussed from
such a selfish and intolerant standpoint.  Why can't we accept that different
people choose to select their bride/bridegroom in different ways? Marriage is a
personal issue and to ridicule someone else's viewpoint is both arrogant and 
intolerant. At the same time, I urge you to remember that children cannot
rationalize issues like you and that identity plays a most important part
in the development of an individual.

Sandeep
Xref: sparky soc.culture.indian:13786 rec.music.indian.classical:835