From: phil@news.ccutah.edu (Phillip Neiswanger)
Subject: Suaron and Maple (The Real Story)
Organization: University of Utah Computer Center
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL3
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 92 03:17:52 GMT

[ This story comes straight out of that rich American tradition 'The
  National Interrogator'. ]

It was a bright sunny day.  Maple had just finished watching 'The Guiding
Light' and was feeling rather romantic.  He looked around the room.  It
was empty except for a TV and three computers.  "Computers don't give me
the feedback I need", he thought.  "I spew and spew into them and they
don't return anything."

Except...  Except for that Suaron.  He gives me what I need.  And he's so
witty.  He makes me feel so good inside.  I wonder what he's doing today?
Maybe he is posting an article today.  Maple felt his smallness grow hard.
Suaron gave me his address, Maple remembered.  He decided he'd pay Suaron
a visit.  Maybe something romantic would happen.

The walk was long, but not hard.  It did however raise a little sweat on
Maple.  "Good", he thought, "Maybe Suaron will think sweat is attractive".
Maple tossed his head about trying to get his wispy hair to fall in
attractive pattern.  "Damn!  Not enough up there."  Maple trotted up to
Suaron's home.

Ding.  Dong.

Maple could hear the sweet musak drifting out of the home.  "Wow!  Listen
to that.  Where does he get such angelic stuff.  I've never heard this 
before."

Ding.  Dong.

An old man answered the door.  "Yes", came a tired voice.  Maple looked at
the old man.  Could this be Suaron?  This was not what Maple had dreamed.
An image of a large warrior carrying a battle axe loomed into Maple's head.
The image drew closer and Maple could make out the warrior's robe waving in 
the wind behind him and the warior's manliness throbbing beneath the leather
battle armor.

"Yes", came the voice again.  The image faded.

"Are you the Suaron I've come to know.  The Suaron that so beheaves the rest
of the metal news group?"  The old man's head dropped.  "Yes, I am he.  What
do you want?"

"Don't you recognize me?  I'm Maple!"

"So."  The old man started to close the door.

"You know, from alt.rock-n-roll.metal."

"Oh, yea!  Down with posers.  Barry Manilow rulz!"

"No!  No!  I'm Maple.  You know the PoseyKiller!"

"OOhh.  Now I know who you are?.  Come in.  I can never remember where I've
been.  I'm so tired these days."

Maple stepped inside and Suaron closed the door.  "But you were a GOD in that
news group!  What's happened to you?"

"Age.  And a number of people I could not overcome.  Why have you come?"
Suaron made his way to the couch.

"I wanted to meet the master.  I wanted to learn.  I wanted to... to...
to Really get to know you."

"Come closer." Maple stepped up to Suaron.  Suaron gazed at him for a moment.
"Turn around.  I want to see more of you."  Maple did a 360 while Suaron
scrutinized him more closely.  "You have possibilities, but I don't give my
magic wand to just anyone."

Maple nelt before Suaron and clasped his hands together.  "You saw my good 
deeds in alt.rock-n-roll-metal all last year.  What other proof do you need
from me?"

"Stand."  growled Suaron.  Maple jumped to his feet and felt the able hands
of Suaron unzip his jeans.  "Wow!  Things are going great!"  Maple began to
smile.

Below Maple came a grunt.  "What is this!  Are you an iny or an outy?  I
cannot work with this.  Get out!"  Suaron got up and stepped away from Maple.

What had happened?  Maple hurriedly zip up his jeans.  "I don't understand?!
What is wrong?"

"You are not a man.  You're some kind of pencil dick nerd, aren't you?"

"No!  No!  I'm Maple.  PoseyKiller!"

"You're a pencil dick nerd!  Get out of my house!"  Suaron opened the door.

"But...  Butt..."

"Get out!  Get out!  Before I call the cops!"

Maple hung his head and made his way through the door.  What had gone wrong?
Everything was going great.  What had Suaron seen that made him stop?  He
turned and faced Suaron.  "I have to know why you're doing this?"

"Don't you ever take a shower kid?  Look in the mirror sometime."  Suaron
slammed the door.

Maple stood there in the doorway astonished.  Then he grabbed his jeans and
looked down underneath struggling to see.  Maple stumbled as he realized what
Suaron had seen.  He felt ashamed.

				Phil