From: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com (Nancy Agnew)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I can't belive I'm posting this...
Date: 14 Apr 92 16:44:52 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: SAS Institute Inc.
Originator: sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com
X-Bytes: 3482

In article <dctjabg.enigma@netcom.com>, enigma@netcom.com (Enigma) writes:
>
>For some strange reason, it's been very difficult to actually
>sit down and type this in, and to respond to the wonderful
>e-mail I received ("Should I Post Anonymously?").  I felt very
>welcomed and happy, except for one small part of myself that
>wants to go hide in a corner.  :-(

Welcome to the club....the corner gets kind of crowded sometimes...all
this self-disclosure.  It does get easier at times.

>I decided to go ahead and post, because it's very important to
>my healing that I do so.  I spent too many years not talking and
>hiding and pretending everything was all right when *nothing*
>was all right.  My parents would disown me if they knew I was
>posting this, because the earliest rule that they drilled into
>my head was "never talk about anything, to anyone".  Especially
>family stuff.  And I know now that their rule is wrong.  I need
>to talk, to be myself openly.  Their message was basically "Never
>let anyone know who you are, because you're no good".  And that's
>not true.

This sounds like a wonderfully strong statement -- made with confidence
and knowledge that their lessons were false.  Thanks -- I can always
stand to hear that!

>...
>All my life I've been in charge of making my dad feel better, cheering
>him up, being supportive, giving him love.  But I felt lonely and
>abandoned.  I've been reading about this "surrogate spouse" stuff,
>and that's basically what happened to me.  My dad made me feel like
>I was the important person in his life, not my mother.  I fell for
>the old "my wife doesn't understand me" line.  All my life I thought
>I loved my father, and now I just feel used.  Plus I feel guilty over
>being angry at him, or at least my inner child does.  But I also feel
>like I don't want anything to do with him.

I had been meaning to post a book title here for a while -- but I haven't
finished the book, just started it (procrastination when things seem
a little too close to home?)....anyway -- you might find the book of interest:
_The Emotional Incest Syndrome_ by [....] Love (a woman, Pat, or Judith,
or something like that).  The subtitle is something about when a parent
loves you too much.  The book discusses various ways in which inappropriate
amounts of attention from a parent (too little as well as too much) can
affect your life.  The "surrogate spouse" phenomenon is discussed, maybe
you have read this book, Enigma?  [I, of course, protested that the book
had nothing to do with me because my parents hadn't shown me any love
at all -- there is a chapter on parental neglect, as well, alas.]

If you haven't seen the book, Enigma, perhaps it would have some
information you'd find of use.

>I can't
>believe I'm actually going to post this...  I will probably fall
>apart as soon as this hits the Net.  I'm going to do it anyway.
>I can't believe I'm actually announcing "My Parents Are Not Perfect".
>I feel so alone...  i'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscaredi'mscared..

well, you aren't alone.  Actually you are in quite good company.  A lot
of us have parents who are not perfect, no matter how many times they
tried to tell us they were!  Congratulations for posting through your
fear.  I hope you stick around and post what you find helpful.

Nancy
-- 
Nancy Agnew                         sasnla@unx.sas.com
SAS Institute Inc,  SAS Campus Dr,  Cary NC 27513-2414
My company's opinions are not likely mine, and vice versa.