From: fofp@castle.ed.ac.uk (M Holmes)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: Re: Drug testing and welfare
Date: 27 Jul 92 14:53:25 GMT
Organization: Edinburgh University

egpv29@castle.ed.ac.uk (JHenderson) writes:
>=>>..... except for a few radical Libertarians and such who are
>=>>light years away from having any power.
>=>
>=>Hey, am I one of *those*?

>No. You're a dozy pillock that buys Hawkwind albums.

Peeve: There's still a Swedish Hawkwind album that I don't have.

>=>>No, the argument that the government shouldn't be coercing people is naive.
>=>>What the hell do you think our governments are for, besides coercing
>=>>people? 
>=>
>=>Protecting people and their rights?

>But surely this could be dealt with by a Rights Protection Company. People
>concerned about their rights would pay a monthly fee. People unable to
>afford this fee could request members of the public to protect their rights
>and the public could assess each case on its merits. This will radically
>alter the nature of interaction on Cowgate. At present, horrible old
>drunks (*) lurch over to you and assault you with haltosis before demanding
>"A coupla quid fer an old fella", or "tenpence fer a cuppatea", or
>"spare any change sir?" or "fuck off you fucking bastard". In the
>Holmes Utopia I suppose we could expect to be accosted by street lunatics
>asking for "spare change to protect my rights". Life just won't be the
>same.

I take it the job at Westminster requiring "diplomacy and an ability to
get on with people with whom you disagree" is not, after all, available
to you?

Actually, you're right. No real reason to have this done by the Guvmint
either. Thanks for enlightening me :-)

Peeve: The annoying street lunatics in Edinburgh just aren't
entertaining any more. We used to have "The Piping Parson" who would do
some of the bagpipe stuff that Jeremy loves so much, then a few lines
from the Bible with a little comment on how it applied to the siners of
Edinburgh. This though was just the prelude, this guy had a serious down
on Lawyers and would build up quite a head of steam before launching
into a rant that would make alt.peeves proud. 

He wasn't an idiot either. I went along to a Humanist society
"Evolution versus Creationism" argument where some lecturer from the
University was invited to do a talk. The Piping Parson launched into
awkward questions mode, and boy did he know his stuff. 

Anyway, here's a taxonomy of Annoying Street Lunatics of Edinburgh:

The Beggar: Usually found in the old town, concentrating on Rose Street
and Waverley Steps. These are scruffy, downmarket types who will often
ply their trade sitting down. A receptacle of some sort will be
thoughtfully provided for any coins you might wish to contribute.
Occasionally they will be accompanied by a small scruffy child who has
already reached Doctorate level in Doleful Looks. These are 2 on the
annoyance scale (you might trip over 'em) and 0 on an aggressiveness
scale. 

Jimmy: Usually found in the Cowgate, Jimmy is not his name, but his
favourite word. he will append this to very sentence: "see you Jimmy",
"wathefuisat Jimmy", and "grrrwannabbrrraaattffaaa Jimmy". Jimmy is
always completely drunk and has less sartorial elegance than The Beggar.
Annoyance 3, Aggressiveness 2 (his heart really isn't in it).

The Busker: Princes Street and Rose Street.  These are like The Beggar
except that they will play music until you give them money, and you
ain't got no guarantee that they'll stop even then.  The receptacle
provided is usually a guitar case of some sort.  Occasionally these will
hunt in packs known as "a combo". 

Annoyance 5, Agressiveness 0

The Bagpiper: Similar to the Busker except that their chosen weapon is
the bagpipes. Usually found outside Jeremy's flat. Often surrounded by
Italian tourists and Americans with huge cameras wearing tartan.

Annoyance 8, Agressiveness 0

The Tramp: Found all over the old town.  Combines the qualities of The
Beggar, Jimmy, and the Busker (sometimes they sing).  Added to this is
the wrinkle that they have halitosis, smell horribly, and are wearing
whatever they rescued from a skip that week.  Often their faces are
purple with the last stages of alcoholism.  They remain optimistic
though since I've often seen 'em enter pubs with some vague notion of
actually being served. The only pub that will in fact serve them is
Bannerman's where they will be entitled to sit in the big chair near the
fire. 

Annoyance 9, Agressiveness 5

The Pissed Youth: These will congregate in anything that looks like a
square. They plainly cannot handle their drink and are often peeved that
everyone else left the disco with a woman. They exorcise their
frustration by making lewd comments at any woman that passes by. They
share the tendency to sing of the Busker and the Tramp. The latter on
the other hand will usually have had the sense to go to bed.

Annoyance 9. Aggressiveness 7

The Pissed Student: Almost exactly the same as the Pissed Youth except
that they carry traffic cones. No-one knows why.

Annoyance 10 (they should know better), Agressiveness 4

God's Representative On Earth: Usually found down by the Art Gallery.
These will rant for hours about how we are all sinners, how God is
extremely disappointed in us, and how the world is about to end, Jesus
is about to come back, and we're about to get ours in spades. Waiting
achieves nothing, Jesus never shows up.

Annoyance 7, Agressiveness 10

Malcolm Rifkind: Usually found in the vicinity of a General Election.
Doesn't sing. Is a member of the Conservative Party. Can take your money
without permission, and thinks he *is* God.

Annoyance 10, Agressiveness 8

The Pub Singer: Often actually employed by the pub for the purpose of
annoying people, but some folks will do it freelance. Many pubs have
been entirely ruined by the presence of these people. They should be
sent to the nearest skip in order to acquire the attire to take up the
Busking profession properly.

Annoyance 11, Agressiveness 7

Football Fans: These combine all the endearing qualities of the Pissed
Youth, The Busker, and Jimmy.  Often to be found on top of a car or in
the vicinity of broken glass. 

Annoyance 12, Agressiveness 12

>-Jeremy Henderson        egpv29@castle.ed.ac.uk   

FoFP
Newsgroups: alt.peeves