From: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #470
Date: 16 Aug 92 17:10:24 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:08 -0500
From: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #470

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    470
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:10 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-01

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle,
>       How can the existence of God be reconciled with the overwhelming
> presence of evil in many parts of the world?  As God was the first
> thing ever, and created everything, what was he/she thinking of when
> evil was created? Or is evil really just a creation of man?
>
> You owe the supplicant a plausible response.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't owe the supplicant squat. Attitude check, dude.
}
} There are several theories for the existence of evil.  Some are:
}
} It was all an accident.  God was attempting his finest act of creation,
} namely Elvis, when he let a cosmic fart and mixed up the letters.
} Hence, evil was born.  The Anti-Elvis.
}
} It's part of the plan.  God, in His wisdom, has provided the Earth with
} Evil that we may be tested and tempered before we are admitted to
} Heaven, for if we had nothing to resist, how would we know?
}
} There is nothing good or evil but thinking makes it so.  There is no
} evil in the world, only opportunities to learn and move on to the next
} life.
}
} My Aunt Sylvia.  She was making some of those god-awful brownies, and
} they leapt from the pan and starting breeding in the dark places.
}
} Choose your favorite.  They all sound equally plausible to me.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:11 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-02

Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why, O Wise Oracle, are you so underworked this summer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very simple question to answer, my dear Supplicant.  During the
} summer, most undergraduate students shed, molt, leave there campus
} nests, and fly south; in short, they temporarily regain their sanity.
} Unfortunately, they have become accustomed to a steady diet of beer and
} professor leavings, and thus must return to their natural habitat, the
} college dorm.  As undergraduates are by definition clueless, they are
} the greatest contributors to my workload.  Only the perpetual seniors
} taking summer classes and the truly hopeless (the ones who sit in front
} of computer terminals all day to avoid getting a tan or doing yardwork)
} remain.
}
} Graduate students, who have voluntarily decided upon several additional
} years of indentured servitude, have obviously gone irreversibily insane
} and thus remain glued to their terminals during the hot summer winter
} months.  It is mostly their continuous dribble of "Why won't my advisor
} leave me alone", "My experiment failed completely and I have to defend
} my thesis tomorrow, what do I do", and the ever popular "I am a lab
} t.a. and my students have burned down my house, should I reduce the
} curve of the class" that keep me busy during the winter.
}
} Full time employees, having to set a good example for all of the summer
} hires, use the internet "only for research and educational purposes",
} and are thus very boring automatons during the summer.  In the fall,
} after all of the summer hires have left, they can start up their netrek
} server, play xtank all day, and mail me all sorts of questions about
} life, love, and the future.  But until the summer hires leave, it's
} major dullsville.
}
} But the greatest and most important reason why I have such a light and
} relaxing workload during the summer is because ever since she saw the
} Robin Givens giving Eddie Murphy his "just desserts", Lisa has been
} playing a little game called "Dominatrix", and she has been punishing
} me by erasing my entire inbox whenever I've been bad.
}
} I seem to accidentally spill honey or whipped cream on Lisa about 3600
} times a day.
}
} You owe The Oracle a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup, a leather whip,
} and a ping-pong paddle.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:12 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-03

Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Does the Oracle note the falling of a sparrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If one accepts that I am omniscient (and indeed, why would you bother
} to ask questions of me if you thought not this was so?), and one
} applies the modicum of brainpower that even a slug possesses for a
} moment, then one would realize that the answer to your remarkably
} ungrovelled question is "Yes, of course the Oracle does."
}
} The Oracle notes the falling of a sparrow, the swooping of the hawk,
} the pooping of the dog, the bungee-jumping of the foolhardy brave.  The
} Oracle notes the passing of Presidents, the Polyps of Popes.  The
} Oracle notes the visions of Venusians, the misspellings of VPs, and
} every drumstick used by Neil Peart.
}
} The Oracle has also noted that little "adventure" you had last week
} with the bonemeal, the waterhose, the stockings, and your cousin.  The
} Oracle has sent photos to your spouse.
}
} You can thank me later.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:13 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-04

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who knows so much yet belches so little,
> please answer this unworthy supplicant's plea:
>
> What is the three-dimensional equation for my girlfriend's
> curves?  And how does it compare to Lisa's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah little one, thou art truly confused.  But the Oracle is patient,
} and understands your limited perceptions.  The general form of the
} girlfriend equation is, of course, four-dimensional, consisting of the
} components 'love', 'beauty', 'truth', and 'shake-that-thang!'  Surely
} thou wouldst not be so crass as to consider only one of the dimensions?
}
} Direction cosines can be calculated in each direction, yielding a
} complete description of the girlfriend in question.  Note also that
} these cosines are time-varying.  For instance, upon first-contact with
} a prospective girlfriend, the beauty and shake-that-thang! cosines are
} typically quite large in magnitude compared to the love or truth
} cosines.  As the relationship matures, the love cosine may grow or
} shrink depending on a number of factors, but it is usually heavily
} correlated in the truth direction.
}
} The time history of a typical girlfriend equation is shown in Figure
} 1.
}
}                    Figure 1 - Typical Girlfriend Equation
}
}   *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #1 ***
}   *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #2 ***
}   *** ERROR: cannot resolve five-dimensional plotting vector #3, this
}                message will not be repeated ***
}
}   *** FATAL ERROR: unable to produce plot ***
}
} As for your girlfriend, I suggest you derive the cosines yourself and
} plot the resulting equation on ordinary 5-D log-log decitrix paper
} (You can use 4-D paper if you only need a time-slice analysis of the
} equation.)
}
} And stay away from Lisa, she's mine!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new mechanical pencil and a French curve.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-05

Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who the hell was Fibonacci?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fibonacci was a mathematician, long before you were born.
}
}       You may have heard of him because of his famous number series
} which he claimed appeared often in nature. The sequence, which begins
} 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34...  he claimed had special properties.
}
}       For example, he claimed that if you started with a pair of
} rabbits, and every pair of rabbits had a pair of rabbits every month,
} beginning with the second month of their lives, the number of pairs of
} rabbits would be his sequence. For this he was much acclaimed.
}
}       What researchers soon discovered is that this was not the case
} due to two factors: mutation and death. Very few bunnies after the
} second or third generation of incestuous inbreeding were fertile, or
} even recognizable for that matter. And the first pairs began dying off
} soon after experiments began, probably from having so many baby
} rabbits. As a result, the rabbit sequence is more like:
}
} 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 6, 4, 1, 1, 0
}
}       Clearly, Fibonacci did not know what he was talking about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 50 lb. bag of Purina Rabbit Chow.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:16 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-06

Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Above me, the sky is an ominous gray. The patch of it that I see is
> framed by the forest tops. There is a rustling sound, and the
> branches wave wildly, sixty feet above me, although there is no wind
> here on the ground. A chill runs down my spine; the dog whimpers.
>
> Suddenly the sky lights up, and soon there is a crash of thunder:
> God is bowling.
>
> O Oracle, who never rolls a gutter ball, please deign to tell me,
>
> Who won?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I did.
}
} The oracle has spoken.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:17 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-07

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose brain is so great that you can remember
> the PIN codes for all your credit cards, please tell me:
>
> How can I achieve the same capability? Why is it required that a
> man remember 5 or 6 different stupid 4-digit codes? How indeed can
> he do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle, being both omnicient and omnipotent, hardly gave a
} second thought to remembering these numbers until recently:
}
} OBM: Please enter P.I.N. number, followed by O.K.
} ORACLE: 7-1-5-6-7-OK
} OBM: Incorrect. Press Cancel to abort, or reenter P.I.N.
} ORACLE: "Oh bloody hell; wrong number." 5-6-6-2-6-OK
} OBM: Incorrect. Press Cancel to abort, or reenter P.I.N.
} ORACLE: "(Sigh)" 3-7-7-5-OK
} OBM: Incorrect. Contact your local branch. Card held.
} ORACLE: "Going to play rough, eh?" 7-3-7-7-6-4-7-2-6
} OBM: Reprogram mode. Please enter code for universal access.
} ORACLE: 1-2-3-4-5-OK
} OBM: Entry approved.
} ORACLE: Withdraw-OK
} OBM: From whose account?
} ORACLE: P-E-R-O-T-R-O-S-S-OK
} OBM: How much?
} ORACLE: 2-0-.-0-0-OK
} OBM: Transaction approved. Memory wipe initiated. Transaction record
} deleted.
}      Have a nice day.
}
}       I suggest that if you do not have access to the widely used
} reprogram feature on your bank machines, you should invest in a memory
} course from the back of Rolling Stone magazine.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Susan B. Anthony dollar.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:18 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-08

Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> #include<std.grovel>
>
> Great Oracle, tell me what size nipple ring I should get?  Is 12ga. too
> large?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, you groovy, grovel-less supplicant.  Your
} question has been selected as one of an elite few that will be
} answered by none other than Judith Martin herself... Miss
} Manners!  (Insert polite clapping from a well-to-do, snooty,
} upscale studio audience somewhere in Massachusetts.)
}
} Oracle:  Now, Judith. . .
}
} Miss Manners: (ahem-ing in an irritated fashion)  Judith?  Oh
} dear.  I don't believe we know one another QUITE that well, now
} do we?  Let's keep this more impersonal, shall we, *Mister*
} Oracle?
}
} Oracle:  Fine Judy.  I mean Manners.  Miss..., that is, Ms.
} Martin.  Whatever.  It's just great of you to come on down to our
} little priesthood and help out the fun guys and gals who try to
} put a little zest into their meaningless lives by playing with
} the Usenet Oracle.  Sure, we know they're a bunch of nose-picking
} swabs without much of a (heh-heh) *raison d'etre* you might say,
} but hell!  (Shrugs)  We're just a zany group!  What can I say?
}
} Miss Manners:  As little as possible, I hope.  May I have the
} first question, please?
}
} Oracle:  Sure thing, Judy-Judy-Judy.  The first question comes
} from a dumb f-ck in California who's feeling a little out of the
} single's scene.  From what I can tell, he's a real loser with a
} horn growing out of his forehead from not enough sex, and he sits
} around late at night playing with the Oracle when he can't find
} any good threads on alt.sex.bondage.  His name is Mewler P.
} Toadsucker, and he asks:  "Great Oracle, tell me, what size
} nipple ring should I get?  Is 12ga. too large?"  (The audience
} gasps.  Miss Manners looks dismayed.  She struggles gamely to
} regain her composure.)  So whatcha think, Jude-a-roonie?  *IS*
} 12ga. too large?  Comment?  Suggestion?
}
} (An uncomfortable silence ensues.  Finally Miss Manners clears
} her throat, develops a determined set to her finely-chiseled jaw,
} and responds)
}
} Miss Manners:  Well.  That certainly beats anything I've received
} in MY mailbag lately!  But manners are manners, and correct is
} correct.  There is only one right way to handle almost ANY
} situation, and nipple rings are certainly no exception.  I say
} that unless you're Coco Chanel you can't get away with mixing
} silver and gold, so make certain that your cock rings, your labia
} piercings, and any other assorted piercings that you may
} sport--say, for instance, a fashionable Prince Albert pierce at t
} the head of your uncircumcised penis, or a big, honkin' clitoral
} pierce with matching side rings on the labial lips--match one
} another.  Some fine Southern families have been known to pass on
} monogrammed rings for generations; a sort of mother-to-daughter
} gift that is never quite forgotten.  Nipple rings (not unlike
} napkin rings), are meant to be viewed and are decorative rather
} than functional.  Oh, sure, you can certainly hang objects from
} them, and many individuals find that the thrill of a delayed
} orgasm is heightened by tugging on the rings just at the moment
} when, shall we say, les bonnes temps roulets!, but mostly they
} are there for shock value, so make them large.  Make them nasty
} large.  Hell, make those mothers stand up and salute the...
}
} (As Miss Manners gets into her monologue, she begins to lean
} forward and salivate.  The Oracle signals the manager to cut to a
} commercial as the horrified audience gasps and shrieks in terror.
} Organ music fade in!)
}
} Oracle:  Oh Judy, you vixen, I knew you had it in you!  That's
} all for now, folks.  Stay tuned for Meet The Priest, where
} members of the Oracular Priesthood step forward and get pelted
} with smelly sewage froan entire audience of sore losers.  This is
} the Usenet Oracle saying good night, and may all your piercings
} be uninfected!
}
} (Applause, from one lone cameraman left in the studio.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Taste of Latex.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:19 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-09

Selected-By: Otis Howard Viles <viles@crs.cl.msu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle,
>       How can I raise myself from these depths of misery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant
}
} Your current misery is without substance or due cause. The petty
} problems which you believe now overwhelm you are as grains of sand
} beside the massive crumbling boulder of your future. If you had
} the benefit of foresight, as I do, you would have a better perspective
} on just how good your life is at the moment, and you would have cause
} to rejoice and be merry, whilst you are still capable. For as miserable
} as things may seem now, they are positively uplifting given the
} predicaments and pitfalls with which you are soon to encounter.
}
} Relax in the boredom, disillusionment and lack of advancement
} opportunities of your current workplace, secure in the knowledge
} that your remaining time there is short. The mishap sparked by your
} experimenting with illegal substances in the weeks to come,
} culminating in the office fire which ultimately destroys the
} quarter-million dollar computer system so recently installed, and
} in the process vaporising all company records, gives your
} employers the excuse for which they have been searching to boot
} your butt straight into the unemployment office.
}
} Unable to find another job, with your professional reputation
} in tatters, you are forced to sell your house and move down town,
} into a seedy block of apartments nestled between a run down low
} class brothel and an even more run down, even lower class porno
} cinema, on a street holding records for the greatest number of
} unidentified corpses found in a one hour period with mutilated or
} missing body parts (23), and the highest number of unregistered
} weapons discovered in a police raid of any building (5,391). Your
} neighbour is a 6'5" 320 lb nightclub bouncer who, when not
} knocking off his screaming girlfriend against the paper-thin
} adjoining wall, has all night parties inhabited by people who
} like to punch holes through walls with bare fists, crush beer cans
} against their heads, and do strange things with animals and
} various electrical devices. Your apartment is forced into by a
} corrupt policeman who finds a kilo of coke under your pillow,
} and promptly blackmails you and drains your remaining funds.
}
} Your sex life, which at the moment is causing you such anguish with
} its almost complete non existence, will in future times look
} quite inviting, when all females who ever were even tempted to
} consider a date with you hear about your new surroundings and avoid
} you like the Plague, and the only feminine contact you have is with
} the lipstick- and mascara- doused leather clad hooker working the
} sidewalk outside the apartment, whose face would inspire Stephen
} King horror tales, and whose body would do a Sumo wrestler proud.
} You succeed in getting another job, as a janitor with a small
} sheet metal working firm, but an accident involving a near sighted
} welder and his wavering welding equipment puts an end to that.
} Awakening from unconsciousness 17 days later, you discover you
} have been effectively rendered terminally impotent, meaning that
} even 'Big Martha' on the sidewalk will get no business from you.
} Then of course, unable to afford proper hospital cover, your
} grievous wound goes septic, and then your life begins to get
} _really_ miserable.
}
} So lighten up, Supplicant, for things could and will be a lot
} worse than now. Enjoy it while you can.
}
} Yours Sincerely
}
} T.U. Oracle
}
} {Later, Lisa skims through the mail the Oracle has asked her to send
} out. She reads through this letter, mutters something along the lines
} of 'cruel tactless bastard' and screws it up in disgust. She hastily
} forges another note in the Oracle's handwriting, something along the
} lines of ...}
}
} Dear Supplicant
}
} Things are never as bad as they seem. Look for the good in your
} situation, and remember there are always others far worse off than
} you.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 92 12:10:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #470-10

Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Will Annette Funicello ever get better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most likely not. She's had the ears cut off several times, but they
} keep growing back.
------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #470
***************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle