From: ts@chainsaw.ecn.purdue.edu (Thomas Ruschak)
Newsgroups: rec.games.empire
Subject: Best of BBNII (long)
Date: 28 Aug 92 08:13:03 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Engineering Computer Network


	Well, BBNII is nearing an end, and I wanted to shar with the net some
of the more entertaining announcements from the game. Many feature the famous
Elven King, who once more showed how to liven up a game. Enjoy...

					Thomas Ruschak, The_Scum

===========================================================================
> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sun Jul 19 11:38:09 1992
(on the east coast of Guzzer)

In the early dawn mists, the formidable Guzzerian Northern Fleet
rests peacefully at anchor. A few seaman are washing down the
gun-decks of the battleships _Iowa_ and _Tennessee_.

Suddenly, the mists swirl and part, and a ragtag fleet of dinghies,
rowboats, and a balsa raft called Kon-Tiki sails menacingly
amongst the battlewagons.

On the deck of Kon-Tiki stands a small man in bunny slippers,
waving an Uzi and screaming "Tora! Tora! Tora!"...

(Murk-o-Vision Morning Update)

In fierce naval engagements this morning, Elven High Command reports
the destruction of a significant fraction of the Guzzer Fleet.
Two battleships, six destroyers, three minesweeps, a landing
ship and a fishing trawler are reported sunk; two more
battleships are reportedly in flames following attacks from
manned suicide torpedoes.

The High Command is not commenting on reports that a number
of the attacks were deliberate suicide-style attacks by drug-crazed
dwarves.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Jul 20 14:17:19 1992
(Palace of the Elven-King)

Deep in thought, the Elven-King pauses at his
workstation as the compiler chokes yet again.
Calmly, he pulls the keys out of his keyboard,
intoning "BSD loves me not; SYSV loves me not; BSD..."

Finally, the last key pulled from the keyboard
and scattered on the floor, the Elven-King fondly
picks up his Uzi and takes aim at the display...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Wineland, (#50)  dated Mon Jul 20 14:43:31 1992
The Renegade Citizens for a Clean Envirorment wish to extend out
sincere gratitude to Guzzer, for cleaning up yet another mine that our
loathsome rulers have polluted the waters with. Only 499 to go!


===========================================================================

> Announcement from WREKage, (#46)  dated Mon Jul 20 16:01:53 1992
just so you know....
they're sending me to get a full battery of Psychological tests
damn shrinks cant figure out what's wrong with me

:)
nice knowing people are dumber than you
:)

TheDeathAngel

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Jul 20 16:04:11 1992

Treat it like a creativity test. Imagine the
Elven-King taking a Rorshach test... "squashed
dwarves"... "a Dorsai uncompensated worker, locked
in a bamboo cage, being poked with sharp sticks and
nibbled by bats"...



===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Jul 20 19:47:35 1992

The Elven-King leans back from his slightly scarred
workstation and sips a fresh cup of coffee contentedly.

Before him, the carcasses of MIPS RISC/os and DEC
Ultrix lie battered and bleeding.

The completed port, days ahead of time, gleams in
the Emacs window before him...
it's Miller time.


Now, down to some serious Empire. Where
did I put all those minelayers?

Ah yes, here they are.

Here Guzz guzz guzz... :)


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Tue Jul 21 05:27:36 1992
There is a rather persistant knocking on my door!

I yell out, "Bloody oath, ok, come in!"

Attack Officer: "Prince Guzzer, the full details of our attack on Dolgopa has
                 come in!"

Prince Guzzer, looking up from his terminal, "Well, is that all? I'm in the
                                              middle of tinysex. This had
                                              better be good."


AO: "Oh yes Sir, it's good. Concentrating the might of the potent Guzzer
     military, we slammed into the weak Dolgopa main island. We destroyed
     40 of his planes, that being half of his airforce and sunk 5-10 ships.
     We didn't manage to get many of our ships in due to the huge minefields,
     so we couldn't take any of the coastal forts."

PG: "Well, have we got a goddamn bridgehead?"

AO: "Yes sir! We converted a couple inland sectors to forts and loaded them to
     them!"

PG: "Not bad, not bad. What did you lose?"

AO: "Damage to 10 F-4s, threw away 10 P-38s, a couple V2s and light damage
     to the other planes. It's much better than your last effort where you
     damaged 80% of the airforce! Whoops! Sorry Sir!"

PG, slapping the AO: "I said I wanted that kept QUIET! Good, that's better.
                      Now, I want us to kill that bunny slipper wearing idiot!"


AO: "Mirkwood? That shouldn't be problem! He even called himself a WOOS!"

<Laughter erupts. Arms and legs go up in a dance, no, it's a WAVE!>

PG: "Good, ok, go back and consolidate while I get back to my tinysex."

The AO leaves and shuts the door behind him. Pressing his ear back against it,
he hears, "Ooooohhhhhhhh! Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Ooohhhh! ...."

Smiling to himself, the AO strides back to the war-room. Someone has to do
the work.

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:40:20 1992

(Palace of the Elven-King)

The Elven-King, resplendent in his black jewelled
battle-shorts, solemnly hands the Guzzer Ambassador
a document.

"Request for the Immediate Surrender of the Guzzer
Gov't and the Conversion of its Armed Forces into
Souvenier Trinkets and Golf Clubs," reads the
startled ambassador.


> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:42:38 1992
The Guzzerian Prince, still flush from his tinysex session and a
MUSE database crash looks up. "Hmmm, I'll have to do something up
this. Right, rouse the reserves! I'm personally leading the men
into battle. Remember how well it went the last time I did so!"

"Ok, left arm up, right arm up, smile and yell <WAVE!>"

You know what suxs? Moving uws by hand!


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Ghostlands, (#18)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:44:04 1992
From: Ghostlands Dept. of Silly Missies
To: Guzzerian Dept. of Surrender
Subject: Do it.
Reasoning: We're bored and you're picking on the bunnies.

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:46:23 1992
The Guzzerian Prince hmmmsss and looks as his terminal as the news flashes in.
"Oh well, we'll kill the Caspers also!"

> Announcement from Ghostlands, (#18)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:47:31 1992
A Ghostlandian sub captain mutters one, nearly inaudible,
phrase, but it echos around the world - (Good underwater
acoustics, don'tcha know.) - "Pig pile on Guzzer."


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Jul 21 09:57:25 1992
(Murk-o-Vision Morning Update)

The Elven-King, facing imminent popular elections and behind
in the polls, today decided to heed the advice of his handlers
and wage frightful, total war on some patsy country to boost
his ratings.

"Works for me", said Elven Cabinet Minister George Bush.

The Elven-King, when pressed with questions about the effectiveness
of the Spitfires of the Elven Air Force against F-4's at 5:1 odds,
responded by attacking the reporter with a ginsu knife.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Tue Jul 21 19:28:17 1992
The Guzzerian Prince looks up for the nth time from his terminal.
"Hmm, it looks like we lost that bridgehead yet again. I knew I
should have put more shells in.

Well, with Ghostie and Mirky trying their best to destroy
us, and the game only lasting another 3.5 weeks, we're going to
go on the defensive. We'll sit back and have tinysex while
the dweebs TRY and attack. There!"

<Arms and legs go up in the classic Guzzzerian WAVE!

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 10:22:38 1992
(on the north coast of Mirkwood)

A small crowd of Elves gathers on the rocky north cape, laughing,
playing, roasting hot dogs in the frigid salt-laden winds.

Across the channel in Dolgopa, a tremendous show of bombs bursting
in air and rocket's red glare lights up the skies. The Elves ooh
and ahh, as appropriate.

Every so often, the Elven-King stands up and checks the Dolgopan
Post Office through his binoculars, where the tattered Dolgopan
brutalizing a Guzzer stormtrooper) still flies...

(Mirkwood Morning Update)

In today's top story, a Guzzerian offensive across the Caucasus
Mountains in Dolgopa was stalled at Stalingrad. Elite armored
units were forced to dig into fortified positions in the face
of stiff partisan resistance, where a fierce artillery battle
ensued. Dolgopan ground troops swarmed and overwhelmed the
demoralized Guzzerian stormtroopers not long before update
yesterday.

Some Guzzerian paratroops still hold a section of the Dzherizhinsky
afjhfg

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 10:24:31 1992

Interesting. Sorry about that... the Morning Edition
radio broadcasts seem to be being jammed.

Switching to all 300,000 watts of power, from the
mighty armoured mountain broadcast towers....

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 10:26:53 1992
(on the north coast of Mirkwood)

A small crowd of Elves gathers on the rocky north cape, laughing,
playing, roasting hot dogs in the frigid salt-laden winds.

Across the channel in Dolgopa, a tremendous show of bombs bursting
in air and rocket's red glare lights up the skies. The Elves ooh
and ahh, as appropriate.


The Elven-King occassionally stands up and checks the
Post Office through his binoculars, where the tattered Dolgopan
flag (a somewhat barbaric new design, featuring ruthless children
brutalizing a Guzzer stormtrooper) still flies...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 10:28:35 1992
(Mirkwood Morning Update)

A Guzzerian offensive across the Caucasus
Mountains in Dolgopa has been stalled at Stalingrad. Elite armored
units were forced to dig into fortified positions in the face
of stiff partisan resistance, and a fierce artillery battle
ensued. Dolgopan troops swarmed and overwhelmed the
demoralized Guzzerian stormtroopers not long before update
yesterday.

Some Guzzerian paratroops still hold a section of the Dzherizhinsky
Tractor Works, but are not expected to hold for long.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Stronghold, (#39)  dated Wed Jul 22 17:43:52 1992

War Journal #13456

Captain Darksider flies his famed Sopwith 'Daisy Dolittle' into
Flipper Capitol to Discuss plans for Splitting up Newly Gained
Colony 'Nyissaville'.

Darksider and Skippy meet in the Oval bar, bypassing all
formalities for a cold brewskie and some pretzels.

DS takes a long draw from his longneck, 'You want the cap?'

Skippy Burps loudly, 'No, I want his mother.'


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 23:12:28 1992

The Elven-King sits in a newt-leather lounge chair,
gently stirring his margarita with a swizzle stick
made from the toe-bones of a Guzzer battleship
captain.

Joyously, he watches as orcish artillery is rolled
out onto the beaches and opens fire on Guzzer
forward positions. Return fire screams in,
decimating and scattering the orcs.

The Elven-King squeals with glee at the sight.
"More orcs! More orcs!" he screams, clapping
his hands...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Jul 22 23:16:36 1992

(Mirkwood Evening Update)

In opening skirmishes tonight, the Elven
Navy attacked and sank another Guzzer battleship;
the battered remains of the Guzzer fleet
cower in port, hounded by Elven submarines.

Orcish artillery probed Guzzer forward positions
and took fairly impressive return fire. The
Elven-King is reportedly training orcs to swim,
in preparation for a massive frontal assault
on the Guzzer fortifications.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Flipper, (#16)  dated Fri Jul 24 12:56:59 1992
He can only have his way with my mother if he's got $5
But really - an interesting fight?  I hardly think so.
Any man who can't fully accept his fishy heritage and
use the proper name of "Dorsal" is, in my book,
totally shellfish.  I hope you're herring all this, Dorsal.
There's no way I'll clam-up now.  The truth must be told.
After all, truth has more mussel than lies.  You should
know.  I mean true, your muscle is rather shrimpy, but
hey, we all have tiny flaws.  Just so happens that your
tiny flaw is between your legs.

> Announcement from Crapulus, (#15)  dated Fri Jul 24 12:59:16 1992

"Punny, very punny.."
> Announcement from Flipper, (#16)  dated Fri Jul 24 13:00:56 1992
Oh don't be so crabby, Crapulus. You poor sucker.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Jul 24 13:20:06 1992
Oh, no...

Our new Kodak rep (we just got a whiz-bang printer) is
named Creight.

Rob?

Rob?

Where are you?
> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Jul 24 13:26:34 1992
Whew!

It was moderately frightening, let me tell you. :)


> Announcement from Lersing, (#26)  dated Fri Jul 24 13:40:22 1992

The mauve colored robes whisped ominously
as the gentleman with the tatooed head and
numerous earrings wisked into the throne
room.

"Sire!"

"Yes, Morgus?"

"Our latest experiments have worked!"

"The ones which substitute shambling puss
 mounds in the stead of the fair nubile
 elf maidens of Mirkwood's court?"

"No lord, the ones where we manipulate
 the dreamscape of other rulers."

"I see, and how was this tested."

"We sent an image of you staring coldly at
 Dorsai to the leader of that nation.


 It has reduced him to an incoherent
 babbling mess."

"My poor poor Dorsai.  That which I cannot
 see with these eyes of mine may now be
 reach through the spirit world.  Excellent."

"How shall we proceed?"

"Use it on WREKage. He always seems to enjoy
 living in hell.  Let's make it so."

> Announcement from WREKage, (#46)  dated Fri Jul 24 13:51:06 1992
--- At the capitol city, Kill 'Em All ---
TheDeathAngel was reported today to have had a vision
"I have seen a sign! the spirits are glaring at us!
 our lives are to be hell, we have suceeded!"

TheDeathAngel continued his ramble about spirits looking
at him looking at the spirits looking back at him looking at th
spirits looking at him.... (*bonk*)

anyway, TheDeathAngel has declared today to be a holiday
and that everyone should go out and get laid
"because," he said, "it sounds like a good idea."


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Talakula, (#42)  dated Fri Jul 24 14:47:47 1992
It was just before dawn
One miserable morning in black 44.
When the forward commander was told to sit tight
when he asked that his men be withdrawn.
The generals gave thanks
As the other ranks held back the enemy tanks for a while
and the Anzio beachhead was held for the price
of a few hundred ordinary lives.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 24 16:23:22 1992

Terribly sorry, old chap, but I'm afraid I'm busy
killing Guzzer right now. If you leave your name
and bmap at the tone, the Elven-King will destroy
your country at his earliest convenience.

Thank you...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 24 17:23:06 1992

(Fortress Europa, Guzzer Eastern Sea)

Under the black guns of Guzzer's mighty fortified island bastion,
Elven battleships _Bismarck_ and _Graf Spee_ flash final signals
at each other from hooded lamps as they toss in the heavy, oily seas.
Close by, two squat landing ships huddle near the protective
battleships.

Ashore, orcs frantically finish laying sandbags around 155mm artillery
pieces and dispersed caches of shells.

A wing of Spitfires waggles its wings as it roars over the
invasion fleet at near wavetop height, too low for detection
by the sweeping Guzzer radars.

On the battle-deck of _Graf Spee_, the Elven-King gives the traditional
signal for the start of the assault, as he lobs a screaming dwarf on a high
stylish arc into the shark-infested seas...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 24 17:24:26 1992
(Mirkwood Evening Update)

Elven High Command reports the complete occupation of a fortified
Guzzer island base, following heavy land- and sea-based artillery
bombardment, in the opening engagement of the Holy War.

At this hour, heavy reinforcements are being rushed to the captured
island, which is within range of the evil Guzzer mainland itself.

Elsewhere, Elven SEALs have landed on the Guzzer mainland
for the first time and are conducting extensive reconnaissance.

The Elven-King is reportedly ensconced with his Cabinet Ministers,
drawing up generous surrender terms for the Guzzerian Presidente...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sat Jul 25 19:35:31 1992

(Elven High Command)

Elven officials today reported a brutal act of high-seas
terrorism by the Guzzerian Armed Forces.

Five Elven battleships, peacefully minding their
own business off a recently replowed island peanut
plantation, were attacked without warning by
wings of Tomahawk cruise missiles.

The Elven-King, livid, called the action an
unmitigated breach of the peace. "What did we
ever do to him, the big bully?" screeched
the King...

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Sat Jul 25 19:38:46 1992
The Guzzerian Prince looks up and says, "Ah! Good, you got those
Murkie Battleships. That'll teach him a lesson. I still haven't
forgotten the illegal seizure of my holiday island. Someone
should remind him that patroling in the waters of a neighbour with
a 30 ship navy is rather hostile."

The congregation takes this in mindlessly and then, arms and legs
go up in a <WAVE!>.


> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sat Jul 25 19:42:16 1992

The Elven-King listens to the garbled propaganda
emanating from his captured Guzzer radio set, and
promptly wallops the set across the room with
a bat.

The bat, startled, screeches and flies away.

"Patrolling!" screams the King, "I told him they
were *trolling*. It's peak dolphin season..."

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Sat Jul 25 19:44:57 1992
With his sharp ears, the Guzzerian Prince listens to the ravings of
the bunny slipper wearing lunatic. "Trolling! Trolling for dolphins!
That's disgusting. Thank god we got him!", the Prince exclaims,
tapping the large Greenpeace badge worn proudly on his chest.



===========================================================================

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Sun Jul 26 18:46:43 1992
After drawnout negotiations with the Elven King, the Guzzerian
Prince has agreed to cease hostilities and back the Elven naval
war against the Dorsai menace.

<Arms and legs go up in a WAVE!>

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Sun Jul 26 18:48:52 1992
The mighty Guzzerian fleet is waiting in the wings to smash
through the Dorsai blockade .... :)

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Sun Jul 26 18:49:24 1992
The Dorsai meanace?

ah.

Bring it on. :-)

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Sun Jul 26 18:50:40 1992
Hmmm...and exactly what am I blockading?

> Announcement from Wineland, (#50)  dated Sun Jul 26 18:52:41 1992
In a surprise move today, Wineland, threatened by the encroaching
mighty giant to the north (Dorsai) has announced that he is leaving
the Wineland alliance and joining the anti-Wineland alliance.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Fraidh, (#33)  dated Wed Jul 29 03:19:07 1992
The Fraidh Urban Hippies from Hell are requesting a kind country
to give them asylum in the run-up to the Superbowl. They say
that the sound of pounding shells and the whine of F4's as
Bwandir and Pern fight it out over their heads is too much,
and they've been having some pretty bad trips recently. man.

Somewhere with good reesearch and a thriving pharmacutical
industry would be good, so they can emulate their Olympic
heros and take massive quantities of steroids. The coach,

"Fat Freddy", has  decided that huge quantities of testosterone,
stenozolol and acid, in a delicate hash sauce, garnished with Angel Dust,
should be just the meal they need to prepare for the final.

Any offers people?


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Thu Jul 30 19:45:01 1992

(Elven Ministry of Defense)

The High Command announced today that all 684 troops of
the Home Guard would turn in their Lee-Enfield .303 rifles
and be issued an 88mm shoulder-carried artillery piece
instead.

Elven Economic Ministers are reportedly looking ahead
to the day when each Home Guard trooper can be issued
two artillery pieces, rather than just a measly one...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 31 11:48:28 1992

News items:

Fri Jul 31 11:45  Guzzer telexes Dorsai
Fri Jul 31 11:39  Dorsai sends a telegram to Guzzer two times
Fri Jul 31 11:35  Guzzer telexes Dorsai four times
Fri Jul 31 11:32  Dorsai telexes Guzzer three times

And so, the world waits in awe and wonder as the two
superpowers meet to discuss Fate, Apocalypse, and the
division of the spoils of world conquest between
themselves...

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Fri Jul 31 11:50:08 1992
We're actually discussing the relative merits of bunny slippers.

<Arms and legs go up in a WAVE!>

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 31 11:51:53 1992

Get your own, pal. You can't have mine; they're locked
in a mountain vault, encased in crystal, with little
spotlights playing across them and big signs saying
"ABSOLUTELY NO VISTORS FROM FOREIGN ARMED FORCES
PERSONNEL"...

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Jul 31 12:00:27 1992
All Dorsai intelligence agents are non-military; can one of them
come infil...er, visit, your bunny-slipper vault?

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Jul 31 12:05:01 1992

Certainly, certainly. We're very hospitable.

Don't worry if your escorts leave you and close the
big steel vault-doors on you. Merely a precaution to
keep the humidity down...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sat Aug  1 17:59:16 1992
(A faraway island)

A lone man, casually smoking an expensive Turkish cigarette, leans
against the wall of a liberated Mantarr fort.

Around him, the dead bodies of Mantarr and Dorsai troopers lie scattered.

"Amateurs," he sniffs..

His name -- Bond. James Bond. Best of the vaunted Elven Insecurity
Service. Dropped off from a stealthy patrol boat in the dead of night,
he has captured and held this sector against Dorsai, Mantarr,
Negativland, and raving bands of che for a week single-handedly.

He has calmly watched as Dorsai air forces blew away his reinforcements.
He has serenely observed his food supplies dwindling. He has
benignly listened to hostile radio transmissions from Dorsai
High Command threatening to remove precious areas of his anatomy.

The Elven-King promised reinforcements; Bond is relaxed. The
Elven-King has never failed him. Meditatively he flips an ancient
hand signal to an overflying Dorsai F-16 recon flight...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug  3 09:41:15 1992

(Aboard U-531)

The Elven-King, peacefully reclining in the sonar
operator's chair and listening to whale songs, suddenly
rips off the headphones in agony.

<ping> <ping> <ping> The whole ship rings with
the lash of a powerful Dorsai active sonar.

The King screams for battle stations. Nobody
interrupts his whale-song listening and gets
away with it...

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Mon Aug  3 09:42:06 1992
The Guzzerian Prince has sent fleet Mk 10 to help!

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug  3 09:42:37 1992

You lose, Guzz -- I already got it.

"Dorsai fishing trawler #136 mysteriously exploded
and sank with the loss of all hands. Elven salvage
crews are investigating..."

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Mon Aug  3 09:43:17 1992
Thank god!

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Mon Aug  3 09:47:33 1992
(Aboard the fishing trawler 'Just for the Halibut')

"Mack, the fish catch has been pretty slim so far today."

"Ay, Cap'n."

"Why don't you try that new-fangled fish-finder we got?"

"Aye, Cap'n."

<click>

Suddenly, from the depths of the Sea of Voles, a huge shape
emerges.

"Shore is a big fish, Cap'n."

"That's no fish!  It's the U-531!!!"

As the two stunned fishermen watch in horror, the conning tower
pops open, and the mad Elven-King appears.

"For the whales!!" he screams...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Baldric, (#5)  dated Mon Aug  3 10:15:52 1992
Baldric: My Lord, what's that smoke cloud over there?
Lord B: State papers, Baldric, its getting to be that time...
Baldric: You mean secret treaties, diplomatic cables;
         things like that?
Lord B: No, my comic book collection.  I'll be buggered if
        those swine will get them!
Baldric: Wonderful, my lord.  What do we do now?
Lord B: Well, the enemy is at the gate, my creditors are
        howling for my blood, the people are wailing in
        their houses, hoping that their leader
        will find a brilliant way to save them from this
        crisis.
Baldric: And that will be you, my lord?
Lord B:  Certainly not.  To the docks, we'll hire a
         rowboat, and flee to Switzerland!
Baldric: Yes, my lord!
Lord B:  And Baldric?
Baldric: Yes, my lord?
Lord B:  If an angry mob were to catch us before we go,
         demanding a just vengeance for the cockup we
         see around us....

Baldric:  Yes, my lord?
Lord B:  ... if they grab the first person wearing a crown,
         seeking to lop his head from his shoulders...
Baldric: Yes, my lord?
Lord B:  <places crown on Baldric's head> It isn't going
         to be me, I can tell you that.  All hail King
         Baldric... the last.
Baldric:  Yes, my lord.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:37:39 1992
Real men don't get into land wars.

Or, as MacArthur said:

"Never fight a land war in Asia."

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:39:57 1992

That's Guzzer's theory, obviously.

You gonna let me keep this island of yours, Guzz?
Let yourself get pushed around by a pointy-eared
Uzi-toting elf? Imagine the fun I'll have in r.g.e.
announcing that lowly backwards Mirkwood was
the only country to take a bite out of you...

Declare war on someone who'll fight back for
once...

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:43:24 1992
Don't you just love it when elves get those death-wishes?

Most elves just hop in a boat and cross the ocean...but this
Elven-King character starts taunting superpowers.

:-)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:48:02 1992

(Murk-o-Vision Prime Time)

Welcome to another edition of Guzzer-Taunting Hour!

Tonight, we ask our audience to identify this
famous quote:

"Offensive actions against Dolgopa will be considered
an act of war against me."

(The studio audience hisses theatrically.)

And, later in the show, we interview the Guzzer
Minister for Liquidation of Defenseless Countries,
and taunt him mercilessly. Stay tuned...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:50:36 1992

Sun Aug  8 18:48  fodder adopts a new country name

The audience holds it's breath... but no, alas,
contrary to all principles of fairness, justice,
and ethics, it wasn't Guzzer.

(The audience sobs.)
> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sun Aug  9 18:58:41 1992

And now, we take a brief break for a Dorsai-Taunting
Minute.

Dorsai, you prancing poofter, formerly one of the
Legends but now a mere grey shadow, are you going
to just *watch* as this upstart punk takes the #1
slot?

Or, (disdainful sneer), are you going to ally with
him and do a coalition win in true balls-less MIT
style?

Maybe I'll have to send the 82nd Elven Airborne
over there and give you a wake-up call...  :)

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Sun Aug  9 21:17:04 1992
Well, the Guzzerian Prince snaps, "Do any of my allies mind if I ally
with Dorsai? I'll go kill every flipping fodder I can my hands on then!
Starting with the ELF!"


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug 10 08:59:32 1992
(U.S.S. Stark)

Captain John Wayne stands proudly on the bridge of the Stark, the most
advanced of Mirkwood's destroyer fleet. Calmly he surveys the oily, mine-filled
waters of the Guzzer Northern Sea.

A radar officer barks, "Guzzer aircraft approaching fast from the west, sir."

John Wayne growls menacingly. Nobody interrupts him when he's looking
macho on the bridge.

"Shouldn't we go to hostile status and activate the defenses?  The
Elven-King said some pretty ugly things on the World Murk-O-Vision
broadcast last night."

John Wayne sneers. "Those commies wouldn't dare fire on an Elven
warship, even if the Elven-King personally walked into the Guzzerian
Prince's tea-room and slapped him with a bunny slipper. They're
morally weak, ethically bankrupt, and they'll be the first against the
wall when the Revolution comes. Go back to your game of space
invaders."

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:00:50 1992
(Elven Propaganda Ministry)

Defense ministers today announced the destruction of Elven destroyer U.S.S.
Stark in a savage ambush by Guzzer warplanes.

The Stark, on a peaceful mission to bring medicines, blankets, and
canned food to endangered seabirds in the Great Sea of Voles, was
caught by surprise in international waters, over one hundred yards
from the Guzzer coast.

There was only one survivor, Captain John Wayne, who killed six sharks
with his bare hands and swam forty miles back to the Elven coast while
being strafed by the treacherous Guzzer pilots.

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:08:39 1992
And the Murkies retreat! :)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:11:05 1992

Retreat? Ha! We're just going to sneak around from
the other side of the world and hit you on your west
coast, now that you've cluttered up our western
coast with all these pesky shell fragments...

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:18:47 1992
Is it safe to assume that Guzzer-Taunting Hour will be pulled
from the Murk-O-Vision evening lineup? :-)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:22:02 1992

In the great tradition of broadcast journalism, led
by the esteemed Geraldo Rivera, Murk-o-Vision executives
consider the destruction of the majority of our western
fleet to be a "positive sign", indicating great
viewer interest in the Guzzer-Taunting Hour.

We expect a ratings coup over the next few days,
beating out such old-time favorites as the Lersing-Whining
Hour and the Fodder-Dying Hour.

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Mon Aug 10 09:25:12 1992
Cool...maybe the Dorsai-Taunting Minute will get lost in the
noise. :-)


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Mon Aug 10 20:03:29 1992
(the fall of Dolgopa)

The Elven-King, dressed in his best surfing Bermuda shorts and
waterproof bunny-slippers, clings to the skid bar of a Chinook gunship
as it skims the waves, flying point for the 82nd Elven Airborne.

A massive set of speakers in the open doors of the Chinook blares
Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries at 130 decibels with audio
clarity that brings tears to the King's eyes.

Ahead, the shadows of Elven destroyers are visible through mists of
gun smoke, pounding the beaches with heavy artillery. Disorganized
Dolgopan home guardsmen scurry for cover, terrified by the sudden
onslaught of helicopter troops sneaking underneath their F-4 and
SAM aircover.

The Elven-King grins and waves his Uzi happily at the fleeing Dolgopan
troops. "They love me here," he explains to his pilot, while firing a
dazzlingly accurate Uzi burst into a hospital truck...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 14 09:21:06 1992

(Elven Royal Air Force)

A hundred Elven pilots, swathed in stylish leather
scarfs, watch a lone Guzzer F-16 streak across the
morning sky.

The Elven-King, in the lead F-119A, whispers on
the radio, "Wait 'til you see the whites of his
eyes, boys!" as his finger tightens on the
missile-launch button...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sat Aug 15 10:46:34 1992
(In the jungles of old Mantarr)

James Bond, expatriate agent of the Elven Insecurity Service, mayor of
the growing new town of Bondville, kisses his wife and children
goodbye. "Going out to do some shopping, honey," he says, picking up
his Walther PPK.

Bond creeps past a Dorsai guard post. "No Trespassing," says a large sign
lettered in blood. "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again."

He reaches the docks, where a huge Elven mother sub surfaces, to the surprise
of the dock crews; but since the submarine is boldly marked "Property
of Dorsai. Certainly not an Elven submarine. No, certainly not. Don't
worry, be happy", the dock crews shrug and go back to work. Bond starts
off-loading supplies of baby food, baby clothes, and shoulder-launched
antiaircraft missiles...


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Sat Aug 15 10:48:45 1992
(Mirkwood News)

Elven Naval Admiralty sources have just released a story which had been
suppressed for the last few days to protect the submarines involved.

Thursday, Elven submarines engaged a flotilla of ships deployed by Dorsai
Carribean Cruise Lines. The cruise ships, carrying vital USO entertainers
and dancing girls to the demoralized Dorsai troops trying to capture
James Bond, were determined to be in Elven territorial waters according
to the traditional law of the sea "if we can see you, you're in our waters".

The submarines fired a series of warning shots, striking three ocean liners
and one landing ship amidships. There were no survivors.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Aug 18 19:16:07 1992
(On the coast of old Ghostlands)

In the evening mists, a shadowy black submarine silently surfaces
off the coast of annexed Ghostlands.

On deck, crewmen help the Elven-King into a stylish fluorescent green
camo dinghy, and hand him his Uzi. The Elven-King grimly straightens
his flak jacket. He peers through the mists at the outlines of machine
gun bunkers and barbed wire on the beaches.

"Bring me back a Big Mac," whispers a crewman, as the Elven-King goes
over the side.

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Aug 18 19:16:37 1992
(In occupied Ghostlands)

The Elven-King wanders down a blasted sidewalk, dodging broken glass
and looking in open dismay at Guzzer stormtroopers chasing sheep
through the streets.

He flags down an old lady, who is cowering in fear in a shop doorway.

"Pardon me ma'am," says the King, whipping out his notebook, "can you
tell me where your Distribution Center is?"

The old lady examines the King. "Such a nice young man. Not like these
boozing, ne'er-do-well Guzzer punks, who go around beating wombats
with strange appendages and drinking sour milk through used straws.
Yes, I'll be happy to tell you where the Distribution Center is..."


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Talakula, (#42)  dated Wed Aug 19 01:42:27 1992

I must protest ...

This evening ... a wing of the WREKage airforce carried out a
malicious attack on innocent Talakula food products. The tomatos
watched in horror as the WREKage planes swooped in from the sky
and blew away the potatoes. The carrots are left cowering in their
holes in anticipation of the next wave of attacks.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:13:04 1992
(Palace of the Elven-King)

The Elven-King gazes levelly at the Guzzer Ambassador.

The Guzzer Ambassador, fidgeting a bit in the presence of the daunting
King and his spendiferous regal attire of purple bunny slippers and
black jewelled battle-shorts, clears his throat.

"Ahem," he begins. "I have come to discuss the possibility of a
surrender."

The Elven-King leans over and confers briefly, in whispers, with a
wizened old Palace Sage. The King listens and nods.

"I'm sorry," replies the Elven-King. "As we are but a small country,
I'm afraid we lack the proper facilities to accomodate your surrender."

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:14:36 1992
Augh!

The horror!

Who would have ever thought?

*Reruns* from the Elven-King...

*sniffle*

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:16:36 1992

Oopsie. Re-runs? It's a re-run, but I thought
you were all too young to remember the last time
it was used :)

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:18:11 1992
It's a classic, to be sure, but I just didn't expect reruns on
Murk-O-Vision.

Now if you order his continent to move out of your waters, I'm
declaring war and coming in. :)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:39:57 1992

What's even worse about the "proper facilities" anno
is that it's ripped off from the Greatest War Movie
of All Time, "A Bridge Too Far".

The look on the German officer's face when this cocky
Brit screams back the "I'm terribly sorry" line
is terrific :)

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:40:50 1992
Plagiarism from Murk-O-Vision?  Whatever happened to that high
level of accuracy, honor, and duty that we have all come to
expect from it?

"-=)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 09:43:23 1992

Clearly you have misunderstood.

Murk-o-Vision is in fact written by a large band
of monkeys, armed with scissors and paste, tearing
through a motley assortment of Monty Python scripts,
columns by Hunter S. Thompson, classic WWII war
movies, and Harvard Lampoon's _Bored of the Rings_.

Any resemblance to non-derivative journalistic copy
is, of course, merely a coincidence.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Elsinore, (#14)  dated Fri Aug 21 11:51:39 1992
Scene: Deep under what was once the Elsinore Ocean.

"Dammit! What in the *(%^# was THAT?!?"
"Sir, that was a depth charge.

Depth charge?!? From WHO?

I think it's from Mirkwood, sir.  It has a note attatched.
It says "Have a nice day! -The Elven King".

Why would they try to kill us? We sent out an SOS MONTHS ago.

I guess..."

<BLAM> <BLAM> <BLAM>

"I guess that they have had other things to worry about.

Well, ensign, fire a torpedo and let them know that we don't play
around.

"Sir, we CAN'T fire.  We have no torpedos left.

IN that case..."

<BLAM> <BLAM> <BLAM>

As the hulk of the sub slowly sank to the bottom, it's crew killed
by the massive explosions, the dying captain uttered a final
phrase to an unknown audience.

"Come back and fight!"

Point of this story:  We were just about to rudedog up the chart in
this game, but Mirkwood killed half of our entire naval fleet.
:-(

:-)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 12:05:21 1992

Oopsie :)


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 16:26:34 1992

Just so you're clear on this, Guzz...

There will be an official challenge to your win
declaration.

Keep watching that mailbox; it'll be delivered soon }:)

In the meantime, anyone interested in joining our
special Safari in Guzzer extravaganza, please speak
up and make your reservations today...

-- Committee for a Free, Democratic World
-- (aka) Committee to Imprison Guzzer in a Musty Cell Forever
   Because We Feel Like It

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Fri Aug 21 16:30:06 1992

BTW, all participants on the Safari in Guzzer
bandwagon constitute an allied coalition which
will declare a co-win when Guzzer is dead and
the Elven-King has muttered appropriate words
over his grave.

This game *is* ending... but not the way the Great
Dark Evil Guy had planned it }:)


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Talakula, (#42)  dated Fri Aug 21 16:34:44 1992
BBN SUPERBOWL                     1Q 2Q 3Q 4Q   FINAL
-----------------------------------------------------

The Dogs Bark                     10 10  7 10     37
Fraidh Urban Hippies from Hell     3 14 10  3     30

Before the GAME ends, we should have the football results.
Dave emailed these to me.  Looks like the game was tied
in the 3rd quarter, but the Dogs pulled it out in the
4th.


===========================================================================

> Announcement from Negativland, (#31)  dated Tue Aug 25 16:06:05 1992
(Home of Mrs. Dick Vaughn, Den Mother of Den #00, Cub
Scout Pack #333)

"I think our den should do something special this month.
We've gone to the zoo, the insane asylum, and the candy factory
too many times."

"Disneyland" "Six Flags" "a brothel" "Disneyland"

<knock knock>

A cute little elf appears at the door. And to cut this
bullshit prose short, he offers to take the den on a
safari to Guzzer. The "A whole bunch more fun than
Disneyland" argument wins the day.

Along the way the cubbies stumble upon F-16s and various
other high tech weaponry (and even a Zepplin) and off they
go.


[The rest of these are from the Great Anti-Guzzer War ---ts]
===========================================================================

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:26:06 1992

The first of the Thousand-Bomber Raids penetrated
Guzzer airspace tonight, manned by suicidal
pilots.

Of 1025 planes, 2 reached their targets (a small
doghouse outside the Guzzer mansion) but failed
to drop their propaganda leaflets successfully.

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:25:39 1992
Gets the blood flowing!

> Announcement from Pern, (#36)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:25:54 1992
Who said there wasn't any life left in this game!
MHR

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:26:18 1992
There's certainly no life left in the Mirkwood fighter pilot
corps...

> Announcement from Guzzer, (#20)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:26:44 1992
One has to think that his happiness should drop! :)

Ah, time to try out the nukes! :)

> Announcement from Dorsai, (#12)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:27:39 1992
The Dorsai Proving Grounds are closed from 7am - 10pm EDT...hope
you find somewhere else to test...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Tue Aug 25 18:40:34 1992

My God.

The Elven Ministry of Defense announces that
one Sopwith did in fact survive the first clash
with Guzzer F-16's.

Sopwith #3986, now at 10%, has been found smoking
on its home airfield, her heroic pilot unconscious
in the cockpit...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Aug 26 09:54:23 1992
(Seen on Guzzer TV)

Jay Leno leers and mugs for the viewers.

"Elven Sopwiths!" he says, in his best pitch voice. "500 to the bag,
less filling than your average interceptor, almost no calories!
Crunch all you want, we'll make MORE!!"

"And just for you, Mr. Average Guzzer Citizen, this week we're
delivering them absolutely free to your doorstep!"

(Packaged by weight. Some compaction may occur during shipping.)

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Aug 26 10:05:21 1992
(Murk-o-Vision Morning Radio)

Good Mooooooorning, Guzzer!

In this morning's top story, Guzzer F-16 pilots have now flown
over 2000 interception sorties in the last fifteen hours. The
Elven-King, who invested heavily in Guzzer coffee, No-Doz, and
amphetamine markets shortly before the attack, is rumoured to be
extremely rich.

The main attack is focussed on one Guzzer island. 1300 Elven Sopwiths
paved the way (with their own carcasses) for probing attacks by
Negativland air assets. The bridges to the island from the Guzzer
mainland have been blown by Negativland cruise missiles, and a hastily
erected pontoon bridge was discovered early this morning and blown by
Elven SEALs.

At this hour, Guzzer air cover is thinning but still holding. Air
reserves in four countries are patiently waiting on their airstrips
for the moment the Guzzer pilots are finally exhausted.


> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Aug 26 15:10:11 1992

(A Guzzer airfield)

Elven gunships hover nearby as the Elven-King
strides amidst the remains of 55 Guzzer F-16's.

In the distance, a column of smoke rises from
a warehouse levelled by multiple B-29 raids.

The Elven-King grins.

"Party time!" screams the King, waving his Uzi
at the 1st Air Cav chopper pilots...

> Announcement from Mirkwood, (#22)  dated Wed Aug 26 15:36:44 1992

(First National Bank of Guzzer)

A mysterious small man, wearing a black balaclava and
carrying an Uzi, runs past the surprised guards
and leaps, screaming, into the Treasury Vault.

"Mine, all miiiine," he cackles crazily, throwing
gold bars at the tellers who dare to peek in.

He pauses to say to the bank manager, "I'd like
to make a withdrawal. A BIG withdrawal. Please
load all this in my helicopter outside..."

> Announcement from Yikes, (#48)  dated Wed Aug 26 16:37:58 1992
The Yikes air marshall reports to His Large Slimeness "jim!"
"We have nothing left to splatter against the massive
reproductive organ of the Guzzer creature, I am not
sure it was enough...
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