Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Jokesand not computer crap
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1992 16:53:00 +1000

I have noticed that Aussie Jokes has been taken over by 
Non humerous university students who have nothing else better
to do than drivell on about how good/bad their computers are,
this is ridiculous...BTW the genuine students who do post
jokes are of course excluded, GO AWAY AND FIND ANOTHER AREA TO
STUFF UP!!!!!!!

and now...heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers the jokes.


There was this minister of the cloth..who had three sons...
at the breakfast table the first son who was pure said I had a
dream last night..the father asked describe it for us son..the
son replied I dreamt I was in heaven and saw st peter...the
father said good son...it shows that you are pure...the second
son said I had a dream too dad..please describe it for us son
the father said...the son replied ..that he too dreamt he went
to heaven and saw st peter...the father replied..good son it
shows you're pure...the father looked at  his third son...and
what did you dream about son..the third son who had a very
nasty hangover and had a bit of fun at the disco..said I
dreamt I died and went to hell...not surprised by this the
father said go on  describe it..the third son replied I don't
think I can dad...I couldn't see a bloody thing for all the
ministers...

            THE CREATION OF THE CORRECTIVE SERVICE POLICY

                       in otherwords...Probation
                       ------------------------

In the beginning, there was a plan, and the plan was based on
government assumptions and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance and was void and
darkness fell on the faces of the officers.

They spoke to their seniors, saying, "it is a crock of shit,
and it stinketh"...and the seniors went to their managers and
sayeth.."it is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour
thereof:....and the managers went to their regional directors
and sayeth unto them... "it is a container of excretement and
it is very strong..and that none here may abide it".

The regional directors went unto the Deputy director and
sayeth unto him;."It is a vessel of fertiliser and none can
abide it's strength:...and the Deputy director went to the
director and sayeth unto him;."it contains that which aids
plant growth and is very strong:.

The director then went to the director general and sayeth unto
him;".it promotes growth and is very powerful"..and the
director general went unto the board and sayeth unto
them..;".this powerful new plan will actively promote the
growth and efficiency of corrective services and of probation
and parole in particular".

The board looked at the plan and saw it was good...
AND THE PLAN BECAME A POLICY  !!!!!!!
   


Research has revealed that sports commentators scream like
crazy to make sure everyone watching at home is awake when the
good bits happen during the game. The rest of the time, they
restrain themselves, merely making quiet comments so you can
doze off. They make sure to turn up the volume during the
commercial breaks so you're awake for that, but otherwise they
let the audience snooze in peace. So that when you wake up,
your memory is full of highlights of the game, so you can
think it was a really exciting action-packed fifteen minutes
whereas it was in fact a completely and utterly dull seven
hours.Research has also shown that in a cricket game when
there's about to be a catch, and when, indeed, the ball is in
the air, nine out of ten commentators shout "it's in the
air...!" Soccer commentators are well known for shouting
"goal!!" while the crowd goes completely crazy and the players
run around hugging each other, making the description of what
just happened also fairly superfluous.



And then there was the scott weirdo who was so tight he made
all his calls reverse-charge..


When the creator was making the world, he called man aside him
and bestowed upon him 20 years of sex life.Man was
horrified!.."only 20 years ?." , he complained. But the
creator didn't budge...that was all he'd give..Then he called
the monkey and gave him 20 years.."I don't need 20" said the
monkey.."10 is plenty" man spoke up and said "can't I have the
other 10"...the monkey agreed...Then the creator called the
lion and gave him 20... The lion desired only 10....man spoke
up and asked for the other 10..the lion agreed...Then came the
donkey..he too was given 20...like all the others he only
wanted 10...and of course man got the other 10...This explains
why...Man has 20 years of normal sex life...10 years of
monkeying around...10 years of lion about it...and 10 years of
making an ass of himself..

If at first you don't succeed..try, try, again and then offer
her money.



HELP WANTED.....Man to help assemble Radioactive Nuclear
Atomic Fission Plant:...Must believe in God.

Whats the difference between a girl jogging in a sweater and a
sowing machine..?
The sowing machine has only one bobbin.

HORMONE:...when you don't pay her

A simple fact.....Why is it that drunks nevre spill drinks on
other drunks..?
 

A yachtsman owned a pet octopus, which swabbed the decks and
did various other chores, always whistling "Embraceable You".
Tiring of the monotonous whistling, the yachtsman bought it a
set of bagpipes. After an hour or so of struggling with them,
the octopus slithered along the deck to the captain and asked,
"Hey skipper, how do you screw this thing?"
 

Three guys go to a whore house.  Each goes into a separate
room.  Each has one of three sisters (all hookers).  The first
guy walks in, looks at the naked hooker and says  "Jesus
you've got the biggest tits I've ever seen !"
The hooker, now angered, throws him out into the hall.
Second guy looks at his hooker and says "Jesus you've got the
biggest ass I've ever seen !" Also angered, she throws him out
in the hall with his mate. Seconds later, the third guy is
evicted from his room by the third hooker. Guy one says to guy
three "Put your foot in it did ya ?" Third guy replies "No,
but I reckon I could have..."
 

DRINK DRIVING JOKES...by the way, these are true
stories from a book called The Half Pint Turn, thought I'd
share some of them with you

A man was charged with drink-driving, he fronted
up to the court and explained to the judge that if he lost his
licence, he could lose his job, the judge explained to him
that there was alternative transport available and stated that
there was too much traffic anyway.  The man replied saying
that he was a bus driver.


South africa also has it's drink driving problems
A white man was driving towards Pretoria, a town in Sth
Africa,  ( where else ? )..he knew he was pissed when he come
across a bretho, so he stopped his car about a half a mile
before the bretho and slid into the passenger seat, when the
cops come up to him , they asked where the driver was, he
explained that the driver was black and when he saw the white
cops , he took off,...being white they believed him.

A drunk driver ran into an elephant that had escaped from a
touring circus, when the cop asked how he could have hit it,
the man explained that he had been seeing animals all day and
this was the first one that had been real.

An english lad, just after he had passed his drivers licence
was pulled over for drink driving when he was seen swerving
all over the road waving to his friends, he explained to the
judge that the charge was unfair because he was not used o
drink driving as he had just got his licence.



A new jersey man accused of drink driving and violently
resisting police, which he denied, was not helped by his name:
George Lush.

A Yorkshire man was found sitting in his car at a pub, his
eyes were glazed and was talking to himself in a slurred
voice, he refused to take a bretho and blood test, the judge
dismissed the case when it turned out that the man owned the
pub.



Driving along the pacific highway in California or Australia
or Tasmania who bloody cares, A young couple on their first
date were attempting to prove that it was possible to make
love at 110 k\ph and to also prove that drinking too much
alcohol doesn't impair the male libido.

Meanwhile . in a highway patrol car parked off the road, a cop
was trying an experiment of his own, how long can a cop sit
still in a baking hot car..? He was on the point of giving up
when the vision of a car hurtling past with writhing limbs, he
pout on his siren and gave chase.
The man heard the siren and immediately panicked, Disengaging
himself from his lover he put his foot down and at the first
opportunity turned off the highway, "we'll change seats. I've
had too much to drink" he commanded, his girlfriend tried to
protest. " don't argue" he insisted, "just switch"

The next experiment was to see how fast they could get changed
and change seats, it was just completed as the cop car pulled
up. The cop was hot, tired, pissed off and very crabby, He
demanded to know why they had raced off, The man lied by
saying that they were not supposed to be together, the
policeman could smell alcohol and was certain that the man had
been driving when he saw them go past, but how could he prove
it ?.

" would you mind turing the engine off young lad" he asked ,
she seemed to take a while to find the ignition keys but this
was no grounds for a charge, the cop asked a more direct
approach, " how old are you young lady" the girl replied with
a blush and low voice " fifteen" " fifteen " the cop shouted,
" you need to be a little older than that to drive in this
state"...the passenger who was the young man shouted also in
horror, " you told me you were seventeen"..


 * Origin: Tassie DataBank Line #02, D'bridge Tasmania, 6.5 Gigs  (3:670/301)

Newsgroups: aus.jokes