Newsgroups: misc.kids


In article <1992Nov3.144735.20643@oakhill.sps.mot.com> millerm@oakhill.sps.mot.com (Mikemoe) writes:

   Ok, I'm curious...many people have voiced their opinions against
   spanking...I have voiced my opinions about the usefulness of 
   spanking in child-raising...

   [....]

   So, if you were raised in a home where your parents spank, and they didn't
   do so in an abusive manner, AND you oppose spanking, I'd sure like to hear
   briefly why you do....either post, or email and I'll summarize. [I have been
   following this thread, so no need to make it a long letter discussing what's
   been said already. Please keep it brief]

I fit your description. My parents spanked but did so in a socially-accepted
way (not physically abusive).  I oppose spanking.

 1. IMHO, spanking has negative consequences.  It teaches that might makes
    right and that violence is rewarded (if a parent spanks, they get what
    they want).  In and of itself, though, the negatives of spanking are not
    too great and are often not realized in specific children.

 2. There are many other aspects of parenting that can have negative
    consequences for children.  One that is particularly important to me is
    the ability of the parent to communicate acceptance and appreciation for
    the child's own feelings and choices, as being right for the child even
    if contrary to what the parents would want for themselves.  Too often a
    parent can be accepting when a child expresses ideas/feelings that are
    the same as the parent's, but show disapproval when the ideas/feelings
    are different.  My father was this way in spades!

 3. When multiple aspects of parenting are present at the same time, they
    MULTIPLY the negative affect, not add.  That is, the negative consequences
    for the child's self-esteme are compounded since the multiple aspects
    reinforce each other's negative message to the child.

 4. IMHO, what ever was desired to be accomplished by spanking, can be
    accomplished by other means that do NOT have the negative consequences.

So for me spanking just confirmed the messge of strong disapproval of
ideas/feelings different from my parents'; that message was that I was not
acceptable as *I* was/wanted to be, but only acceptable if I did what was
demanded of me by others.  Thus spanking singificantly contributed to my
feeling that my parents did not love and accept ME for who I was but only as
the "good girl" image of what they wanted me to be.  It did not by itself
cause this feeling but it reinforced the other messages; especially given
the most common REASONS for spanking (talking back, refusing to do what they
wanted me to).  Together they build a significant problem for me that I am
only now solving as an adult and I have a lot of anger at my parents for
this.

Thus my conclusion is that if spanking is the ONLY negative message that a
parent send and if it is done in some of the more or less "reasonable" ways
described in these notes, then it might have no lasting negative consequences
and might even appear to have had benefit.  However, how many parents are SURE
that in all other ways they are fostering their child's self-esteme?  I am
pretty sure I do not, no matter how hard I try.  I have control over spanking
and so choose not to use it; why add one known negative to the other unknown
negatives that are sure to exist?  Especially when I can accomplish my ends
with respect to discipline without, see 4 above.  Also, I hope that I can
help my daughter grow without developing the anger that I have toward my
parents.

Karla Perdue                 The opinions expressed are strictly my
Mountain View, CA            own and not those of Hewlett-Packard.

Newsgroups: misc.kids