From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: Need serious advice
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 21:48:45 GMT

In article <1992Jul21.151129.8806@bsu-ucs.uucp> 00rabarton@bsu-ucs.uucp writes:

[divorced woman meets Mr. Wonderful; all goes well for three years and
 then he announces "I think I should see other people" and starts 
 displaying traditional inconsiderate jerk symptoms]

>I love this guy very much, but I'm doubtful that I should continue to 
>put up with this behavior.  I should mention that this is extremely 
>unlike him, that he's usually a very responsible, very dedicated, caring man.
>
>We have been very good for each other, and he's said repeatedly that 
>no one has ever been as good to him as I have, or cared about him as 
>much as I do.  We have a wonderful time together always, even going to 
>the grocery.  We get along perfectly .... don't even fight.  We do 
>things for each other all the time.  He's shown his caring countless 
>times in countless ways.
>
>Serious advice, anyone?

Much as I hate stuffing people into psychological boxes, he sounds like
a fairly standard case of "man who fears commitment and loss of freedom
and autonomy proving his independence by acting like a jerk."  At least
among the people I know, this is one of the most common behavioral
quirks and isn't even confined to men.  Often, this develops into a
yo-yo situation where the one person runs away emotionally and then
comes back and asks for forgiveness over and over again, with all
parties involved ending up pretty miserable from the situation.

If you try too hard to hang on, that's likely to be what will happen;
it sounds like he greatly values his relationship with you but also
greatly fears the associations he has with serious relationships.
(One aside--as often as not, this behavior isn't triggered by any
action that you have done, but by his sudden realization or partial
realization of the depth and strength of his own feelings.)

What can you do?  Unfortunately, there's no sure way that will
guarantee that things will work out wonderfully--not every 
relationship survives this particular phase.  I would recommend that
you refuse to play the 'yo-yo' version, telling him something along 
the lines of, "I understand that you need to be free right now--I
want you to understand that I feel too strongly about you to be
willing to go through all the uncertainty and instability that we
have had lately, so I hope you'll understand that I need to distance
myself from you emotionally just for my own sake until you decide
whether you want to be in a relationship with me or not."  There
should also be no guarantee that you will wait for him while he
does decide.

I know this sort of thing isn't easy to do--but if you're always there
for him just like you were before, giving him no chance to start
missing the benefits of being in a relationship with you while keeping
his fears alive, he's not going to have much emotional motivation to
decide anything.

Trygve
--
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From: wjb@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Bill Buse)
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1992 18:25:22 GMT
Subject: Re: Re: Friendly waiters
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO