From: merchant@davidsys.com (Rukhsana Merchant)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.pakistan
Subject: Re: Multiple Wives
Date: 29 Aug 92 12:49:10 PST
Distribution: usa
Organization: DAVID Systems Inc, Sunnyvale CA

In article <BtLrFo.1D1@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, afzaal@mace.cc.purdue.edu (S. Afzaal) writes:
> Rukhsana Merchant writes:
> 
>>A second point is that men are not able to deal with past relationships
>>of women, no matter their own past relationships.  It is not in man's
>>nature to share his wife with another.  
> 
> This is a great generalization. I am sure we know exceptions to the
> above. There are many men  who are either involved or married

Ahh, but as you say they are the exceptions and not the general rule.
And I already stated that it was an opinion of mine.


> to women who have already been in relationships. It is more
> common in this culture perhaps than the Pakistani culture but it in no
> way indicates that it is something in `man's nature'.  Perhaps
> it is something more cultural.  Of course there are always

No it is more than a cultural thing.  ANY normal man, regardless of religion,
regardless of where he is from, east or west, takes great pride in
satisfying his woman and be known as "the best" in her life, and that pride
can NEVER allow another man in her life! NEVER!!


Those who have seen "When Harry met Sally", can relate better to my
opinion, but, in anycase, the opinion is based on "man's nature'.

(His woman was not used to imply his property, but to indicate
that the relationship, may not be of marriage)

> feeling of envy  and pain when another person  is involved. Most of us  know 
> that a woman also experiences the  shattering pain when the man she loves is involved
> with someone else. It is an incredibly difficult emotional
> experience. 

I am not denying that.  But the relationship that women have with women
is more of a sisterhood ie. it is closer in kinship, than the relationship
that men have with men. Women love differently.  As a general rule, women
cannot have the feelings that one has for a husband, for two or more men
in her life.  Also, Islam states the same for men clearly, and really the
allowance is not an encouragement in Islam, but rather there is an advice,
that it is impossible to love two people the same way.

> Honestly Rukhsana, is it in your nature to 
> share someone you may be  inlove with with another woman??.  

Ummm.... noooooooooo.... :-)  Sunia, I will let you know when I  have that 
someone special in my life,  whether I want to share him with another 
woman.  :-)

No, seriously, I think it is an allowance that was given for humanitarian
reasons and I think there are cases where it is a valid option and if such an
option arose in my life, then, YES, I could share my someone with another
woman.

> I don't think this nature business explains polygamy in 
> Islam at all. What I am surprised at is that it is coming
> from a woman.  I don't think it is anymore a woman's nature to 

A few years back, my opinion would have suprised me as well, but even back
then, I was of the opinion, that the reasons and intention of the marriage
is between the people involved and no one else.  No other person has a
right to judge why the option was executed, but those who saw a need
to enter into such a marriage.

> share the man she loves than it is a man's nature. If you have seen
> a woman go through such an experience, some one close to you,
> you know what I am talking  about. 
>  
> much meaning.  Read Sura-tu-Nissa and tell me
> that men and women are equal. It clearly states that men have a
> degree higher than women. Where does it talk about equality???

The relationship of men and women is emphasized in more than one
surah and the degree higher, is to indicate head of household. The
position indicates responsiblities and liabilities for the entire
family, in having their obligations met towards ALLAH(SWT).  Failings
and excelling in those obligations not only reflects on the person but
also on the head of the household.  It is a position with responsibilites.
It, in no way, indicates superiority of the man over the woman.
The Qur'an clearly states this.


> When it comes to explaining a religious commandment  which  doesn't
> quite make sense to us , we  can explain it  
> logically in terms of its social benifits if we  like. Everythng
> has its explaination if you look for it.  

I guess so. It is an opinion of mine, based on my understanding of the
relationships that I have observed between men and women.  I could be
wrong.

But I still believe in the allowance, even if I am wrong in my understanding
of why.  There are many  things that are not in my understanding, but then
I figure that, just because they are not in my understanding, does not
mean that there isn't validity why they are defined as such.

> 
> Sunia Afzaal


Rukhsana Merchant
Newsgroups: soc.culture.pakistan,soc.culture.african,soc.culture.afghanistan,soc.culture.arabic,soc.culture.turkish,soc.culture.yugoslavia