From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Rocky Horror Picture Show Script
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:08:23 GMT
Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA


   What To Bring:

     Confetti (torn newpapers will suffice)
     Toilet Paper (pref. Scott)
     Toast
     Bologna (opt)
     Party Hat
     Bell
     Frankfurters (opt)
     Sponges (opt)
     Cards
     Paper Airplanes
     Whistle

   General Information:
     Audience instructions are in brackets. Text in quotes
     is to be shouted. The instruction 'Echo' means that the
     following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.

     Whenever Brad appears, or is introduced in some way
     the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
     When Janet is introduced or appears, the line "Slut!" is
     appropriate, or you prefer...
     the line "Nice" (Nissss)is appropriate too. Whenever
     Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, the following lines and
     variants are appropriate: "He's got no fucking neck!";
     "Bo-ring!","Charles Gray, he's O.K.!". Dr. Scott may be
     booed, but it's also appropriate to yell "Kiss Ass!".

    SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE

   {at opening bars of music, "Lips!" until lips appear ("Thank You")}

Usherette(lips): Michael Rennie was ill
    The Day the Earth Stood Still
    But he told us where we stand. {"On our feet" while standing}
    And Flash Gordon was there
    In silver underwear,
    Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. {"outa sight!"}
    Then something went wrong
    For Fay Wray and King Kong;
    They got caught in a celluloid jam. {"69"}
    Then at a deadly pace
    It Came From... {"where?"} Outer Space.{"thank you!"}
    And this is how the message ran:
    {"Freeze!"}

Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
    Doctor X {"Sex Sex Sex Sex"} will build a creature.
    See androids fighting {"and fucking and sucking on"}
    Brad and Janet
    Anne Francis stars in {"Deep Throat" or any other Porn Flick}
    Forbidden Planet
    Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
    At the late night, double feature, {"Rocky Horror"} picture
    show.

    {"Sing"}
Usherette(lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
    Was over a barrel {echo "Was fucked in a barrel!"}
    When Tarantula took to the hills. {"Lick it!"}
    And I really got hot
    When I saw Jeanette Scott {echo "When I saw Janet's twat!"}
    Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
    {"What the fuck's a Triffid"}
    Dana Andrews said Prunes
    Gave him the runes {echo "Gave him the shits"}
    And passing them used lots of skills. {"sexual skills"}
    But When Worlds Collide, {clap hands,"BOOM!"}
    Said George Powell to his bride,
    "I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills,"
    {echo "Sexual Thrills"}
    Like a...
    {"X-ray!"}

Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
    Doctor X {"Sex sex sex sex"} will build a creature.
    See androids fighting {"and fucking and sucking on"}
    Brad and Janet
    Anne Francis stars in {"Deep Throat" or any other Porn flick}
    Forbidden Planet
    Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
    At the late night, double feature, {"Rocky Horror"} picture
    show.

    I wanna go {"I want to cum"}
    Oh Oh Oh
    To the late night, double feature, {"Rocky Horror"} picture
    show.
    By RKO, {"RK Who?"}
    Oh Oh Oh
    To the late night, double feature, {"Rocky Horror"} picture
    show.
    {"Where's the best place to fuck?!"} In the back row,
    {front row: "Fuck the back row!" while flipping 'em off}
    {middle: "I've SEEN'em, YOU fuck'em!"}
    {back row: "Yay Back Row!" or "Fuck the FRONT row!"}
    Oh Oh Oh
    To the late night, double feature, {"Rocky Horror"} picture
    show!

Dentonian: Here they come! (Dentonians cheer & throw rice) {throw RICE}

Photographer: Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and
    then the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh,
    hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)

Ralph: I guess we finally did it, huh. {"Hit him, Hit him back"}

Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have
   been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher
   class.

Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I
    showed up in the first place. (chuckles)

Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)

Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. {throw BOUQUET}

Janet: {"Catch it, Janet!"} or {"Hey Janet, do you have Herpes?"}
    I got it. I got it!

Ralph: Hey big fella, looks like it could be your turn next, eh?

Brad: Who knows. {"The Shadow knows!", or "Who Cares!"}

Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. Guess we better get get going
    now Bett. Come on, hop in. (they drive away)

    {"Be just and fear not" when sign appears}
    {"Be drunk/stoned and care not" after above}

Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful. {"No!"}
    Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? {"No!"}
    I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Betty
    Monroe, and now...
    now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
    {"I'd rather be Betty Monroe!", or "Hap-SHIT! (will travel)"}

Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
    {"No he's not, she got clap." clap hands}

Janet: Yes.

Dentonian: I always cry at weddings.
    {"So do I!" or
    "and laugh at funerals"}

Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
    {"Yes, and she's a great little fuck, too!"}

Janet: Yes.

Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
    {"If he doesn't get busted!"}

    {when Denton sign is in view... "Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah,
    Denton Denton eat me raw, Yeah Denton!"}

Janet: Yes.


    DAMMIT JANET

    {"Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck"}

Brad: Hey Janet.

    {"Sit on my face and wiggle"}

Janet: Yes Brad?

Brad: I've got something to say.

    {"Then say it asshole"}

Janet: Uh huh.

Brad: I really love the... {"Starts with an S...sk...sk...sk...sk..."}
     skillful way {"you give head"}... you beat
    the other girls... {"With whips and chains?"}
    to the bride's bouquet. {"that too"}

Janet: Oh Brad.

    {"Sing it, Brad!(Asshole)"}
    {audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit, Janet's}
    {echo "Fuck of bitch! I wanna screw" over Dammit Janet...
     repeat whenever necessary}

Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
    The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
    So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
    I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.

    The road was long but I ran it. (Janet)
    There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)
    If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
    I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.

    Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
    There's three ways that love can grow. {"sex sex and sex"}
    That's good, bad, or mediocre.
    {Echo "That's gay, straight, or mediocre!"}
    Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so.
    {"Don't drop it!"}

Janet: Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
    Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)

    That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
    {echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad."}

    I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
    {echo "For a screw" over "for you too"}

    Oh Brad...


Brad: Oh... dammit.
    {echo "Aw shit" over "Oh... dammit"}

Janet: I'm mad...

Brad: Oh, Janet.
    {echo "Aw shit" over "Oh, Janet"}

Janet: For you.

Brad: I love you too.
    {echo "I love to screw-ew-ew."}

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
    {echo "that's screw" over "ah - oo"}

Brad: And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
    When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
    Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
    Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
    Dammit, Janet.

Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad. {echo "You fag" over "I'm mad"}

Brad: Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: I love you. {echo "I love screw"}

    {"the man in the next scene has NO FUCKING NECK"}

Narrator: I would like, {"You would, would you?"}
    ah, if I may, {"You may not!"} ...to take you on a
    strange journey. {"How strange"}
    {"So strange, they made a movie about it!"}
    (goes for black book) {"Not the book, the MOVIE!"}

    (opens book) {"Three pages to the asshole"}
       and/or {"The pervert took pictures!"}
    {as pages turn "one. two. two and a half."}
    It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors {"asshole"}
    his fiancee Janet Weiss {"slut"} two young, normal, healthy kids,
    left Denton {"Denton Denton, rah rah rah, Denton Denton, eat
    me raw, Yeah Denton"}
    that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott,
    ex-tutor, now friend to both of them.
    {"Is it true that you fuck chickens?" or some other question}
    It's true there were dark storm clouds.
    {"Adjectives, please!" or "Describe your balls!"}
    heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving.
    {"It it also true that you rape boys?" or some other question}
    It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly
    in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids, on a night
    out... well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest
    their evening, were they. {"What kind of night was it?"}
    ...On a night out... {"WHAT kind of night?"} it was a night out
    they were going to remember.. {"How long?"} for a very long time.

    {move hands as if they were windshield wipers}

    {echo stuff to Nixon speech....}

    {"How many motorcylces has that been Janet (Slut)?"}

Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
    {"The Bitch (slut) can count."}
    They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
    weather and all.

    {"Say something stupid, Brad(Asshole)!"}
Brad: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. {"Asshole!" or
    echo "so's Janet" after "life's pretty cheap" or "YEA that
    type!"}

Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?

    {"I came on the windshield"}

Brad: We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
    {"You took the salad fork!"}

Janet: Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
    {"Japan", or "Kawasaki", etc.}

Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
      {"Don't back up!"}  (BOOM)

Janet: Oh! What was that bang?

Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! {"Janet!" clap hands}
    I knew I should have
    gotten that spare tire fixed. {"Asshole!"} Well, you just stay
    here keep warm and I'll go for help.

Janet: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

    {"Try the castle!" or "What's white and sells hamburgers?"}
Brad: ...Didn't we pass a castle bach down the road a few miles?
    {Cheer} Maybe they have a telephone we could use.
    {"Castles don't have telephones, asshole!" repeat when
     appropriate}

Janet: I'm going with you.

Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

    {"She's already wet!"}

Janet: I'm coming with you! {"That'll be a first!"} Besides darling,
    the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman,{"He is!"}
    and you might never come back. {"You should be so lucky!"}

Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh.

    {they get out of the car "Kick it!". NEWSPAPERS over heads,
    squirt the virgins sitting in front of you}

    OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

Janet: In the velvet darkness,
    Of the blackest night,
    Burning bright,{"What's up your ass?"} there's a guiding star.
    No matter what or who you are.

Brad & Janet: There's a light... {light MATCHES on 'light'}

Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. {echo "Burning down the fucking
    place!"}
    {MATCHES out on 'darkness' - "DARKNESS, you virgins!" if any
    lights still on.}

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's
    life.

    {"Sing it, Riff!" or "Sing to us, oh hairless one!"}
Riff Raff: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
    Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
    {b4 Riff backs away,"Watch out for the quicksand, Riff!"}
    Into my life. Into my life...

Brad & Janet: There's a light... {MATCHES again}

Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: Burning in the fireplace.
    There's a light, a light

Brad & Janet: {off at 'Darkness'} ...in the darkness of everybody's
    life.

}  (in the stage version right after the first chorus Brad has this
    extra verse:
}
}Brad: I can see the flag fly
}   I can see the rain
}   Just the same, there has got to be
}   Something better here for you and me.
}
}   (repeat chorus))

Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
    {"unlike your neck"} and
    that they had found the assistance that their plight required.
    {"Are you sure?"} ...Or had they?

Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...

Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

    {"ding dong, asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?"}
    (doorbell rings, door creaks open)

Riff Raff: Hello. {"Hello"}

Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
    I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down
    a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

Riff Raff: You're wet. {"No shit, Sherlock!"}

    {"Janet, are you a slut?"}
Janet: Yes - it's raining. {"No shit, Janet!"}

    {"Brad, are you an asshole?"}
Brad: Yes.

    {"Riff, do you fuck your sister?"}
Riff Raff: Yes... I think perhaps you better both {"Fuck off"} come
    inside. {"Better than cuming outside!" or "I don't care where
    you cum"}

Janet: {"How kind is he?"} You're too kind. {"No, he's not"}
    Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Janet: Oh (forlornly)

Riff Raff: {"Which way (do you fuck your sister)?"} This way.

    {"Follow the bouncing thumb"}

Janet: Are you having a party?

    {"What kind of night is it?"}

Riff Raff: You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the
    master's affairs. {"Which one?"}

Janet: Oh lucky him.

    {echo next line ("You're lucky... ha ha ha ha ha")}
Magenta: You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha
     ha ha
    {"The banister's lucky!"}

    (- seven dongs -)   {don't ask -ed.}


    THE TIME WARP

    {if you aren't in the aisle by now, get in the aisle and
    crouch down}

Riff Raff: It's astounding;
    Time is fleeting; {"What's your favorite rock group?"}
    Madness takes its toll.
    But listen closely...

    {"For how long?"}
Magenta: Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff: I've got to keep control.
    I remember doing the time-warp {"Kick! Kick!"}
    Drinking those moments when
    The darkness would hit me

Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...

    {get up and time warp!}

Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

    {"How's it done?"}
    {Here are the instructions: DO IT!}

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All:  And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. {echo "tits" over "hips"}

All:  You bring your knees in tight.
    But it's the pelvic thrust   {"oooo ahhh" with each thrust}
    That really drives you insane.

    Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

    {crouch down and clap to the rythem}

Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
    So you can't see me, no, not at all.
    In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
    Well secluded, I see all. {echo "The floor" over "all"}

Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip

Magenta: You're into the time slip. {"Fuck that bird!"}

Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.

    {up again!}

All:  Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

    {crouch down and clap again, feel free to add back up vocals
    to the next bit with "woo oo oo oo" in an apropriate tune}

Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
    When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
    He shook me up, he took me by surprise
    He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
    He stared at me and I felt a change.
    Time meant nothing, never would again.

    {up again!}

All:  Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All:  And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips.

All:  You bring your knees in tight.
    But it's the pelvic thrust
    That really drives you insane.

    Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

    {crouch down again, and clap}
    (Columbia tap-dances {just before she hits the stairs "Watch
    out!" or "Two! Four! Six! Eight! Show us how you masterbate!
    Three! Five! Seven! Nine! We know you do it all the time!"}

    {when she starts spinning "Eat you heart out Anne Miller! Eat
    Me out Anne Miller!"}

    {Up again!}

All:  Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.

All:  And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips.

All:  You bring your knees in tight.
    But it's the pelvic thrust
    that really drives you insane.

    Let's do the time-warp again.
    Let's do the time-warp again.

    {collapse out of exhaustion!}

Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
    {echo "Say something stupid, Brad!(Asshole)"}

Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? {"Asshole!"}

Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

    (music cue softly at first, crescendo up){stomp in time to Frank}

Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: It's just a party, Janet.

Janet: Well - I want to go.

Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
    with their celebration.

Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
    They may do some more folk dancing.

Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.

Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about

    {Scream!}

    SWEET TRANSVESTITE

Frank: How do you do, I
    See you've met my
    Faithful handyman.

    He's just a little brought down
    Because when you knocked
    He thought you were the candyman.

    Don't get strung out by the way I look.
    Don't judge a book by its cover. {"Price that is!"}
    I'm not much of a man by the light of day
    But by night I'm one hell of a lover. {"Throw it!"}

    {cheer, scream, bow down in praise, etc...}

    I'm just a sweet transvestite
    From Transexual, Transylvania.

    Let me show you around
    Maybe play you a sound.
    You look like you're both pretty groovy.
    Or if you want something visual
    That's not too abysmal,
    We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. {"Who the fuck is
    Steve Reeves?"}

Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home,
    Could we use your phone?
    We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet: {echo 'Left'} Right.

Brad: We'll just say where we are,
    Then go back into the car. {echo "Fuck in the car!"}
    We don't want to be any worry.

Frank: Well you got with a flat, well, {echo} how 'bout that?
    Well, babies, don't you panic.
    By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
    I'll get you a satanic mechanic. {"S and M!"}

    I'm just a sweet transvestite
    {"coochie coochie choochie"}
    From Transexual, Transylvania.

    Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff: {echo} Night.

Frank: Or maybe a bite?

Columbia: {echo} Bite.

Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. {"Sex!"}
    I've been making a man {"Not him!" or "You call that a man?"}
    With blond hair and a tan {"You call that a tan?"}
    And he's good for relieving my... {"Erection!" or
    "Sexual!"} ...tension

    I'm just a sweet transvestite
    {"Check it out!"}
    From Transexual, Transylvania.
    {echo} HIT IT, HIT IT!
    I'm just a sweet transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank: From Transexual,

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

Frank: So - come up to the lab,
    And see {echo "Fuck"} what's on the slab.
    I see you shiver with antici - (3 seconds) {"SAY IT!"} - pation.
    But maybe the rain
    Isn't really to blame.
    So I'll remove the cause. (chuckles) {"What about the symptom?"}
    But not the symptom.

    (applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels and both say thank
    you) {"Janet's on the rag, so is Brad" sung out}

    (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)

Janet: Oh. Brad!

Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull
    out the aces when the time is right. {"Nice Aces!"}

Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.

Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
    Janet Weiss; {"Brad, spell 'urinate'!"} you are...

Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
    Some people would give their right arm for the priviledge.
    {"Take mine!" or "Or their left tit!"}

Brad: People like you maybe.

Columbia: Ha! I've seen it.

    (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, {"Hey Riff, show us how you
    drink"} takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after
    Columbia says "Shift it" {"Drop it!"})

Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Columbia: Shift it.

    (riff drops the bottle) {"Riff can't hold his liquor" sung out}

    (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)

Janet: Is he your husband?

Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever
    shall be. We are simply his {"sex slaves"} servants.

Janet: Oh.

    (doors open, panning shot of lab) {"It's the Reagan Cabinet"}

    {"sluts first ... Assholes second... Servants, Groupies, and
    Weirdos third, fourth, and fifth" schtick}

Frank: {"What's your favorite color?"} Magenta,
    {"Where do you get your pot?"} Columbia, {"Thai's better"}
    go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain ...uh huh huh.. (chuckles)

Brad: Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".

Janet: Weiss.

Brad: Weiss? um

Frank: {"Say something in French"} Enchante.

    (Janet giggles)
    {"Reunite on ice"}

Frank: Well! how nice. And what charming underclothes you both have.
    But here. Put these (smocks) on. {"and take those off"}
    They'll make you feel less {"naked"} vulnerable. {"same thing"}
    It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
    them... hospitality.

    {"Get tough, Brad!"}
Brad: Hospitality!? {echo "Horse brutality!?"}
    All we asked was to use your telephone,
    {start saying "It's" and repeat slowly leading up to "Super-
    Asshole"}
    Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.

Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad: Ungrateful! {when Brad removes his glasses, "It's Superasshole!"}

Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood.
    So... {"Big"} dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs).
    You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet: {"Lie, Janet" or "She doesn't know"} Well, yes I am. (giggles)

Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad?

    {"Show him the teddy bear"}
Brad: Certainly not!

Frank: {"Ask Janet"} Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)

    {"Show him the anchor"}
Janet: No. (giggling)

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master{"bater" repeat when
    appropriate}. We merely await your {"erection"} word.

    (Frank spills wine on Riff) {"That was my new suit"}
    {"That was my only suit"}

    {applaud and use noisemakers when appropriate}
    {snap glove or clap hands when Frank snaps his gloves}

Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists... you are about to
    witness a new breakthrough in biochemical {echo "sexual" over
    "chemical"} research... and paradise is to be mine...
    It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break..
    whole pieces start to fit into place, not a sign of being..
    what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took a small
    accident to make it happen... {"An accident?"} AN ACCIDENT

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,
    that SPARK that is the breath of life...
    {"Do you have that knowledge?"}
    Yes, I have that knowledge... {"Do you know the secret?"}
    I know the secret... {"To life?"} to life... {"Itself?"} itself!
    You are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful
    creature is destined to be BORN!

    (Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)

    {"Frank, how do you say 'fuck you' in Chinese?"}
    Up now!
    Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
    and step the reactor power {echo} THREE MORE POINTS!

    (colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,
    Indigo, Violet {identify colors as "Red! ...Orange", etc. } {ask
    "Is it soup yet?" several times, and then, "Now it is!"}

    (Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)

Frank: Oh. {echo} Rocky!

    THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
    And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
    Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
    Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

    I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

All:  That ain't no crime.

Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

All:  That ain't no crime.

Rocky: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
    And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

All:  That ain't no crime.

Frank: Well really.

Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the
    thread.

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.
    (repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)

All:  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
    Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
    Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
    Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
    sha-la-la.

Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.
    {"Of the closet!"}

    {sing "If you're horny and you know it, clap your bars", repeat
    once, finish with "If you're horny and you know it, and you
    really want to show it, clap your bars, clap your bars, clap
    your bars"}

Rocky: Ugh  Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)

    {"forgive him!"}
Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to
    forgive you.

Rocky: Ugh  Ugh  (applause) (Rocky {and audience} claps like a child)

Frank: Oh, I just love success.

Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.

    {"that's one"}
Frank: Yes.

Magenta: A triumph of your will.

    {"that's two"}
Frank: Yes.

Columbia: He's O.K.

    {"O.K.?" or "You blew it bitch, get your tits off my tank!"}
Frank: o.k. (smack) {"That's no way to kill roaches!"}
    O.K.. I think we can do better than that. Humph!
    {"Ask Brad and Janet!"} Well, Brad and Janet,
    what do you think of him?

    {"Lie through your teeth, Janet!"}
Janet: Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles.
    {"Obviously" or "It only takes one!" or "Just one BIG one!"}

Frank: I didn't make him... FOR YOU! {"yeah, but she gets him anyway"
    He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.

    I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

Frank: A weakling {"Brad"} weighing ninety-eight pounds {"Two pounds"}
    Will get sand in his face
    When kicked to the ground {echo "groin"};
    And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
    The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause
    Will make him glisten
    {"What's your favorite toothpaste?"} and gleam.
    And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,
    {"Go for it!" or "Go for the gold!" followed by...
     sing "Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!"}
    He'll be pink and quite clean
    He'll be a strong man. Oh honey...

All:  But the wrong man.

Frank: He'll eat nutritious high protein {"cum"}.
    And swallow raw eggs... {"Yuck!"}
    Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.
    {"All three of them!"}
    Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
    In just seven days...
    {"And seven nights..." repeat after each time}

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.

Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
    clean and jerk {"off"}.
    He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.
    Such strenuous living I just can't understand,
    When in just seven days, oh baby, ...I can make you a man.

    {"Watch out for the door!" or "Incoming!"}

Columbia: EDDIE!

    HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)

Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night,
    When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
    It don't seem the same since cosmic light
    Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
    I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
    And listen to the music on the radio;
    A saxophone was playing in a rock 'n roll show.
    You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

    Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
    {Echo "sex drugs and rock and roll" over "I really love..."}
    (repeated three more times)

    (Sax solo) {when Eddie stomps the floor, "Eat shit, and die"}

    My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
    My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
    I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
    And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
    Get back in front, put some hair oil on
    Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
    With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
    It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time.

    Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
     (... for a total of twelve times)

    (Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick) {Scream}
    {"That's no way to pick your friends!" or "Picky, picky, picky"}
    {"Frank, what's the score?"}

Frank: One from the vaults. (chuckles)

    {"Give those used rubbers to Magenta, she knows what to do
    with them" as Frank gives the bloody gloves to her}

Rocky: Ugh...

Frank: Oh baby... Don't be upset... {"What sort of a killing was it?"}
    It was a mercy killing... {"mercy mercy"}
    he had a certain naive charm, {"But what a muscle?"}
    but no muscle (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!

    I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.
    A hot groin and a tricep.
    Makes me, oooh, shake,
    Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the {"Balls!"} ...ha-ha-hand.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.

Frank: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.

    {"Take it, Janet!"}
Janet: I'm a muscle fan.

Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man
    Dig it if you can
    In just seven days, I can make you a man.

    (Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH)

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah. Frank and Rocky,
    rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky,
    rah-rah-rah! {throw Confetti}

Narrator: There are those that say that life is an illusion
    {"like your neck"} and that reality is but a figment of the
    imagination. {"Like your neck"} If this is so, then Brad and
    Janet are quite safe {"with their necks"}, ... however, the
    sudden departure of their host... and his creation... into the
    seclusion of his somber bridal suite {echo "Sweet" up high} had
    left them feeling both {"Horny!"} apprehensive and a feeling
    which grew {"unlike your neck"} as the other guests departed,
    and they were shown to their separate rooms.

    (Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and
    Magenta.) {"Pink is for Sluts... watch out for the basin ...
    He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake...
    He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness
    sake!"}

    (Brad enters room)
    {"Same room, different filter, what a cheap movie. Blue is for
    assholes"}

    (knock)
    {"Imitation asshole calling"}

Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?

    {"Have no fear, Frank the wonderfuck is here, part one"}
Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.

Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in.
    {"She said come in, not come on"}
    Oh! Brad Oh Brad. Yes, my darling...but what if...

Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright.
    {"Don't touch his hair!" or "Don't fuck with the hair"}

Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
    {"We told you not to fuck with the hair!"}

Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...

Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

Frank: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Janet: You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
    {"What about the football team" answer "That was just practice"}

Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it. {"It isn't all
    Brad either!"} I think you really found it quite pleasurable.

Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
    {"He's not down there!"}

Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
    like...This!

Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame...
    Oh... I was saving myself...

Frank: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...

Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad?

Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die...
    {"Stick a needle in my eye!"}
    (assorted sexual noises)

    (scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
    {"It's the Carol Burnet Show"}

    (Riff walks over to Magenta)
    {"You fuck with the mop, I'll fuck with the monster"}

    (Riff walks over to Rocky)
    {"Service entrance in the rear", answer "That's why they call
    them the Butler"}

    (Riff grabs the candelabra) {"Not the (    ) pronged dildo?"}

    (Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)
    {"Have some fire, Scarecrow!" or "You light up my life"}

    (Rocky runs away as Riff cracks his whip)
    {"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and
    chains excite me."} (Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)

    (Riff approaches Magenta)
    {chant "Elbow Sex!" until they have it}

    (scene change to Brad's room)
    {"have no fear, Frank the wonderfuck is here, part two"}

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. He'll destroy us.

Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
    {"Don't touch her hair!" or "Don't fuck with the hair"}

Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!

Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
    {"It isn't Weiss either!"}

Brad: Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? {"Fucked her silly!"}

Frank: Nothing. Why. Do you think I should. {"Liar!"}

Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never...
    {"What about the boy scout troup?"}

Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it. Not even half
    bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.

    (Brad starts moaning)

Frank: Oh... so soft...

Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!
    {"She's not down there!"}

Frank: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see
    you... like... this.

Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought
    it was the real thing! {"It is!"}

Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you. It isn't
    a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad.
    {"Not in this state!"}
    We've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't
    tell.

Brad: Well, promise you won't tell...

Frank: On my mother's gra..oouu.. {"Don't talk with your mouth full!"}

    (BEEPBEEPBEEP...)

Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your
    new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds...
    Magenta has just released {"Her sisters"} the dogs...

Frank: mmmm? coming! {"So's Brad!"}

Janet: Oh, Brad. {"oh shit"} Brad, my darling, {"Janet you slut"}
    how could I have done this to you. Oh!
    {"It wasn't easy, with those pantyhose on!"} {"see!"}
    If only we hadn't made this journey... {"But you did!"}
    if only the hadn't broken down... {"but it did!"}
    if only we were amongst friends {"But you aren't!"} Or sane
    persons, Oh Brad {"oh shit"} Oh Brad {"Get tough bitch!"} what
    have they done with him... {"nice handle"} (she sees him on TV
    with Frank) Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you? {"It was easy: no
    pantyhose!"} (she fondles the handle) {"Fifty ways to love your
    lever"}

    (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
    {"Don't bother him, he's monster-bating"}

    (Rocky gets up) {"Who said masterbation wasn't a dirty business"}
Janet: Oh, but you are hurt... Did they do this to you? {"No, I did it
    to myself"} I'll dress your wounds... {"He's got more hurt than
    you've got skirt!"} baby there...let me make it all better.

  {"Hey Janet - wanna fuck. Think about it Janet. think long, think
    hard... and smile if you do!"}

Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or
    excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational
    master...and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on
    their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet
    was, indeed... its slave.

Magenta and Columbia: {echo} Tell us about it, Janet.


    TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME

Janet: I was feeling done in, couldn't win
    I'd only ever kissed before.

Columbia: You mean she...

Magenta: Uh-huh

Janet: I thought there's no use getting
    Into heavy petting
    It only leads to trouble
    And seat wetting.
    {stand up, look at your seat, "oh shit, my seat's wet."}
    Now all I want to know is how to go.
    I've tasted blood and I want more.

Magenta and Columbia: {echo} More, more, more

Janet: I'll put up no resistance
    I want to go the distance
    I've got an itch to scratch
    I need assistance.

   {on 'toucha toucha' etc., run and attempt to touch Janet (on the
    screen)}

    Toucha toucha toucha touch me
    I want to be dirty
    Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me
    Creature of the night.

   {when Rocky goes between Janet's legs: "This looks like a good place
    for a Stick-Up." or "Something smells fishy here."}

    Then if anything grows, while you pose,
    I'll oil you up and rub you down.

Magenta and Columbia: {"up"} Down, {"up"} down, {"up"} down. {"up"}

Janet: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction
    You need a friendly hand and I need action.

Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta: I want to be dirty.
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,
Magenta: Creature of the night.

Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty
    Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night.

    {"switch" repeat, after each character sings his line}
Rocky: Creature of the night
Brad: Creature of the night?
Frank: Creature of the night.
Magenta: Creature of the night.
Riff Raff: Creature of the night.
Columbia: Creature of the night.
Rocky: Creature of the night.
Janet: Creature of the night.

    (scene change, Riff being whipped)
    {"Thank you master, may I have another", after each crack}

Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. {"Say thank you! ...say it in French!"}
    Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)

Frank: How did it happen. I understood you were to be watching...

Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...master

    {"Frank, Show us your backhand" (shows it) "Needs work!"}

Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.

Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.

Brad: Hey, Scotty! {"Beam me up, this planet sucks!"} Dr. Everett
    Scott.

Riff Raff: You know this earthling {"You fucked up!"} ...this person?

Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine.

Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here
    with a purpose.

Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
    {"assholes don't lie"}

Frank: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name
    is not unknown to me.

Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? he's
    attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
    UFO's {echo "You Ass-hole"}
    Isn't that right, Brad?

Brad: He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master.

    {"Now what room is he in? the bathroom? the bedroom? the green
    room?"}
Frank: He'll probably be...entering the Zen room. {"The Zen Room! Shit!
    I left a joint in there!"} Shall we inquire of him in person?
    {"Not the triple-contact electro-magnet!"}

   {sing "Ring around the lesbians"}
    (pause)

Brad: Great Scott! {throw TOILET PAPER}

Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter, we meet at last.

Brad: Dr. Scott!

Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here?

Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what
    Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not?
    That he and his female should check the layout for you. Well,
    unfortunately for you, all your plans are to be changed. You
    must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is.
    {"You promissed you wouldn't tell"}

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a
    complete surprise to me. I came here to find Eddie.

Brad: Eddie. I've seen him!

Frank: Eddie. What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

    {"Get conceited!"}
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You
    see Eddie happens to be my {"sex life"} nephew.

    (Frank gasps)

Brad: Dr. Scott. {"Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"}

Janet: Ah!

    {echo all following lines}

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky. {"Ugh!"}

    (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky. {"Ugh!"}

    (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky. {"Ugh!"}

    (Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)

    {if the theatre did it in unison, clap and cheer}

Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.
    (to Rocky)

Magenta: (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! {"and WE helped!
    (hay-ulped)"}

Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be
    optional.

    {"Toga Toga Toga"}

Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.
    The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man,
    and then this meal. However informal it might appear, you can
    be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie.

  (Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)
    {as Riff rolls out the dinner: "Is it hot?"}
    (Riff opens the lid) {"It's hot"}
    (The dinner is shown) {"What?!? Meat Loaf?!? Again!"}
    (Frank slices it with the slicer)
    {"Anyway you slice it, it still comes up meat loaf"}
    (Riff and Magenta pour the wine)
    {as they get to Dr Scott: "What kind of wine is it?"}
    {as it spills: "Must be table wine"}
    {as Riff "deals" the meat: "Hey Riff (Raff) deal me a slice",
    Throw bologna now!}

    {"Hey Rocky, eat like a Marine!"   "Use a fork!"}

Frank: A toast {throw TOAST} ...to absent friends...

All:  {echo} To absent friends.

Frank: and to Rocky.

    {"Hey, this time finish the song, last week you stopped in
    the middle."}

    (singing w/ Janet, et al)
    Happy Birthday to you {"Whew!"}
    Happy Birthday to you {"Whew!"}
    Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (stops, Janet finishing last)

    Shall we?

Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie.

Columbia: Eddie. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)

Frank: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?

    {"Brad gets it, Janet gets it, Dr Scott gets it, Rocky doesn't
    get it"}

Columbia: Excuse me (Scream on exit)

    {"What's the matter Columbia, you've eaten Eddie before?",
    as Frank pours the ketchup: "Yeah, but never with ketchup!"}
  or, if you prefer...
    {"What's the matter? You ate him before, you can eat him again!"
    "Yeah, but she didn't swallow last!"}

Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
    imagined...Aliens! {"Who the fuck are YOU talking to?", answer
    "Who the fuck are WE talking to?"}

Rocky: Ugh? {"Janet"}

Brad: Doctor Scott! {"Janet Brad Rocky Ugh!"}

Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott.

    {stand up and put out your arm to say "Seig heil!"}

Brad: Just what exactly are you implying?

Dr. Scott: It's all right!

Brad: Doctor Scott!

Scott: It's all right, Brad.


    EDDIE'S TEDDY

    From the day he was born {"Not the night, but the day"}
    He was trouble. {"With a capital 'T'"}
    He was the thorn {"not the rose but the thorn"}
    In his mother's side. {echo "ass" "Not the front, but the side"}
    She tried in vain  {"Not the artery but the vein"}

Narrator: {"What's HE doing here?"} ...but he never caused her nothing
    but shame. {"Shame shame shame shame" with finger motion}

Scott: He left home the day she died.
    {"Hit it!"}
    From the day she was gone {"Bop shebop bop"}
    All he wanted {"The Doctor Scott Rock"}
    Was Rock 'n' Roll porn  {"Bop shebop bop"}
    And a motorbike. {"oooo weee eeee  oooo"}
    Shooting up junk...

Narrator: {"HIM again!"} He was a low down cheap little punk!
    {"Yay Punks!" stand if you like}

Scott: Taking everyone for a ride.

All:  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
    You knew he was a no-good kid. {clap clap}
    But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank: What a guy! {echo "What a fag"}

Janet: Makes you cry. {echo "Makes you gag"}

Scott: Und I did. {echo "And I did"}

    {clap like you have a set of maracas}

Columbia: Everybody shoved him.
    I very nearly loved him.
    I said, hey, listen to me;
    Stay sane inside insanity!
    But he locked the door and threw away the key.

Scott: But he must have been drawn  {"With a pencil or a pen"}
    Into something, {"What the fuck is a zomething?"}
    Making him warn {"Who?"}
    Me in a note that reads...

All:  {echo} What's it say. What's it say?

Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. {"Spelled H - E - D"}
    Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. {"Spelled right!"}
    They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. {"Scream!"} (scream)

All:  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
    You knew he was a no-good kid. {clap clap}
    But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank: What a guy! {echo "What a fag"}

Janet: Makes you cry. {echo "Makes you gag"}

Scott: Und I did. {echo "and I did"}

All:  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
    You knew he was a no-good kid. {clap clap}
    But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
    {echo "Ball point pen" over "switch-blade knife"}

Frank: What a guy! {"What the fuck is a guy-uuy-uyy?"}

Janet: Makes you cry. {"What does Fat Albert say?"}

Others: Hey, hey, hey.

Scott: Und I did. {"What the fuck is an und?"}

    {"Watch this trick!" or better yet....
    "Hey Rocky. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
    nothin' up my sleeve... Presto!"}

    (All scream)

Frank: Rocky. How could you? (slaps Janet) {"The pantyhose were
    ripped!"}

   (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff and Magenta laugh,
    until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" {which the audience echoes})

    WISE UP

    I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. {hiss on every "ice"}
    You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
    Your apple pie don't taste so nice.
    You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

    I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.
    You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.
    When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? {ring BELL}

    Ya gotta block. Well, take my advice.
    You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
    The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet: My feet. I can't move my feet!

Scott: My wheels. My God, I can't move my wheels!

Brad: It's as if we're glued to the spot!
    {echo "My socks! I can't move my socks!"}

Frank: You are. So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet: We're trapped!

Frank: (sung)  It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck
    can be nice.

Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.
    This sonic transducer. It is, I suppose some kind of audio-vibrato
    physio-molecular transport device?

Brad: {echo} You mean... {"A vibrator!"}

Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on
    for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found
    a means of perfecting it. {"A perfect vibrator"}
    A device capable of breaking down solid matter an
    then projecting it through space and, who knows,
    perhaps even time itself. {"A COSMIC vibrator!"}

Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank: {echo} Planet, shmanet, Janet!
    You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
    You better wise up, build your thighs up,
    You better wise up

Narrator: {echo} And then she cried out...

Janet: Stop! {echo "More!"}

Frank: Don't get hot and flustered!
    Use a bit of mustard.

    {throw HOTDOGS on 'you're a hotdog!' (optional)}

Brad: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank
    Furter.

    (Freeze - Brad) {"Aces!"}

Scott: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank
    Furter.

    (Freeze - Scott)

Janet: You're a hot dog --

    (Freeze - Janet)

Columbia: My God. I can't stand any more of this. First you spurn me
    for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for
    Rocky! You chew people up and then you spit them out again.
    I loved you..{"WHAT?"} did you hear me. I loved you!
    And what did it get me. Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing.
    You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and
    drain others of their love and emotion. {"Peek a boo!"}
    Yeah, well, I've had enough. You're gonna choose between me
    and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head. (freeze)
    {"Lopsided!"} {"It's only a shadow"}

Frank: It's not easy having a good time... (freeze Rocky)
    {"turn him around!" or "Now everyone's stoned!"}
    ...even smiling makes my face ache
    {"comes from biting your knuckles!"}
    ...and my children turn on me
    ...Rocky's behaving just the way Eddie did
    Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain
    between the two of them?
    {"That could be it"}

Magenta: Ahhhh. I grow veary of this vorld. Vhen shall ve return
    to Transylvania, huh?

    {as Riff turns Magenta towords him: "Going, going,..."}

Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
    Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours
    shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood
    takes me, I can be quite generous.

    {"She's gone!"}

Magenta: I ask for nothing...nothing.

Frank: {"Will she get it?"}  And you shall receive it...in abundance!
    {"What does Brad want to do?" or "Frank, what's your favorite
    high protein drink?"} Come, we are ready for the floor show!

Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,
    had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment
    with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a
    situation which none of them would have possibly forseen.
    And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
    Brad and Janet had both tasted {"Frank N Furter"}
    ...forbidden fruit. {"Same thing!"} This in itself was proof
    that their host was a man of of little morals {"Yay little morals"}
    ...and some persuasion. {"Yay, some persuasion"}  What
    further indignities were they to be subjected to?
    And what of the floor show that is spoken of. {"What of it?"}
    {"Where do you masterbate?"} In an empty house? {"best place!"}
    {"When do you masterbate?"} In the middle of the night? {"best
    time"} What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?
    {"What indeed?"} What indeed? {"my thoughts exactly!"}
    From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be
    {"A picnic?"} no picnic. {"Aw!" (dejectedly)}

    A. FLOOR SHOW part I

    ROSE TINT MY WORLD

    (Frank is running around making preparations while the others are
     frozen on the stage.) {"Hey Frank, wipe that cum off your face"}

    (unfreeze Columbia)
Columbia: It was great when it all began. {"Wiggle wiggle"}
    I was a regular Frankie fan.
    But it was over when he had the plan
    To start a-working on a muscle man.
    Now the only thing that gives me hope {"Is smoking dope"}
    Is my love of a certain dope.
    Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

    (Unfreeze - Rocky)

Rocky: I'm just seven hours old, {"And can't dance"}
    And truly beautiful to behold.
    And somebody should be told {"I can't sing"}
    My libido hasn't been controlled.
    Now the only thing I've come to trust {"Is Janet's bust"}
    Is an orgasmic rush of lust. {"same thing"}
    Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

    (Unfreeze - Brad)

Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!
    I'll be good; you'll see.
    Take this dream away. {"Just TRY and get rid of it!"}
    What's this. {"the floor"} Let's see,
    I feel sexy!
    What's come over me? {"Frank N Furter"}
    Wo. Here it comes again.

    (unfreeze - Janet)

Janet: I feel released; bad times decrease.
    My confidence has increased; reality is here.
    The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded.
    It's a gas that Frankie's landed!
    His lust is so sincere.

    FLOOR SHOW part II

    (Fanfare and RKO logo appears)
    {"What the fuck is a radio picture?"}
    {answer: "It's a picture of radio, what else?"}

    DON'T DREAM IT

Frank: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? {"She went ape-shit!" or
    "She got fucked by a forty foot ape"}
    That delicate, satin-draped frame?
    As it clung to her thigh {"What? the ape-shit?"}
    How I started to cry {"Why?" or "You'd cry too if you were
    fucked by a forty foot ape"}
    'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. {"But you are!"}

    Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
    Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
    Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure
    And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
    Can't you just see it. Oh, oh, oh.

    {if you're up to it, have an orgy in the aisles}

    Don't dream it, be it. (four times)

All:  Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)

    {"Use the force!"}
    (Unfreeze - Scott. In on sixth time)  {"Who did that!"}

Scott: Ach! {"Tung!"} We've got to get {"the fuck"} out of this trap
    before this decadence {"Yay decadence!"} saps our wills.
    {"It's too late!"} I've got to be strong, and try to
    hang on, or else my mind may well {snap} snap and my life
    will be lived {"in a wheelchair"} ...for the thrills!

Brad: It's beyond me;  help me Mommy! {"Somebody shut him up!"
    or "That's not your Mommy!"}

Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

    FLOOR SHOW part III

    WILD AND UNTAMED THING

Frank: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
    I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
    I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
    You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
    Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
    So let the party and the sounds rock on.
    We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
    Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

    {"One two three four"}

All:  We're a wild and an untamed thing.
    We're bees with a deadly sting.
    You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
    Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
    So let the party and the sounds rock on.
    We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
    Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over.
    Your mission is a failure;
    Your lifestyle's too extreme.
    I'm your new commander;
    You now are my prisoner.
    We return to Transylvania.
    Prepare the transit beam.

Frank: {"Wait!"} Wait. {"Can you explain?"} I can explain!
    {"It better be better than last week's"}

    I'M GOING HOME
    {"And now, for one night, and one night only, Alfalfa's shadow"}

Frank: On the day I went away...

All:  Goodbye...

Frank: Was all I had to say...

All:  Now I...

Frank: I want to come again, and stay.

All:  Oh, my, my...

Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may.
    'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
    Through the tears in my eyes
    And I realize, I'm going home.

All:  I'm going home.

    {"Stoned again!"}
    (Magenta yawns) {"Bitch!"}
    {"Where do you masterbate (fuck)?"}

Frank: Everywhere {"How's it been each time?"} it's been the same...

All:  ...feeling...
    {"What's it like when Brad cums in your face?"}

Frank: ...like I'm outside in the rain...

All:  ...wheeling...
    {"How much do you charge for a fuck?"}

Frank: ...free {"I'll take two to go please"} to try and find a game..

All:  ...dealing...

   {When you see the Betty Ford look alikes...
    "It's Betty Ford! And that isn't Gerry! Look, it's another
    Betty Ford, it's a Betty Ford convention"}

Frank: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. {throw CARDS}
    'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
    Through the tears in my eyes
    And I realize, I'm going home.

Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)

    {"It's the NBC Peacock"}
    (applause, then audience dissapears)

    {"You blew it!, Look it's a Menudo concert!"}

Magenta: How sentimental. {"Insensitive bitch!"}

Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were
    to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta
    {"Magenta, not Magenter!"} and myself.
    I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see,
    you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Scott: Great heavens. That's a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
    anti-matter. {"Then it's not a laser!" or "It doesn't matter
    anyway"}

Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him. What's his crime?

Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
    {"Fuck society!"}

Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has
    come. Say goodbye to all of this, {"Goodbye, all of this"}
    and hello {"Hello"} to oblivion.
    {"Hello, oblivion. How's the wife and kids?"}

    {"First one to scream gets it in the tits!"}
    (Columbia screams - gets zapped)
    {"Oh shit, it works!"}
    (Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)
    (Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)
    {"Curtain, thank you. Rope please! Thank you!"}

    (Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped
    as he climbs the RKO set - falls to his death into the pool)
    {blow WHISTLE "All right, YOU TWO, out of the pool"}

Janet: Oh. You killed them!

Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

    {"Get paranoid!"}
Riff Raff: They didn't like me. He never liked ME!

Scott: You did right. {"SHOOT HIM!!!" or chant "(Doctor) Scott must
     be shot!"}

Riff Raff: A decision had to be made.

Scott: You're O.K. by me. {"Kiss ass!"} (note: READ THE MOVIE SCRIPT)

Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your {"sexlife"} nephew.

Scott: Eddie? {"No, Blanche!"}
    Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.

Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.
    We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transexual,
    in the galaxy of Transylvania {"In the city of San Francisco"}.
    Go... {"When?"} Now.

    {sing "Roll out the cripple, and we'll have a cripple of fun"}

    Our mission is completed, my most {"ugly"} beautiful sister,
    and soon we shall return to {the moon-drenched shores of our
    beloved planet}. {"Oh no! She's going to sing." Howl like a dog}

     (castle blasts off)

}    SUPER HEROES
}
}Brad: I've done a lot; God knows I've tried
}    To find the truth I've even lied.
}    But all I know is down inside
}
}All:  I'm bleeding...
}
}Janet: And super heroes come to the feast
}    To taste the flesh not yet deceased.
}    And all I know is still the beast
}
}All:  Is feeding...)
}    Ahh, ahh... (etc.)
}
}    {"Hey Brad, can you do the Backstroke. What about the Australian
    crawl}?"    

    {go up to screen and start "spinning" it}
    {"Stop the world, I want to get off!" "Splat! You just killed
    over a billion people!"}

Narrator: And crawling {"where?"} on the planet's face
    Some insects {"what're they called?"} called the human race...
    Lost in time
    {"What's your favorite TV show?"} And lost in space
    {"like your neck!" or "Danger danger Will Robinson"}
    And meaning.

    {"Don't forget to turn off the globe"}

All:  Meaning. {"You forgot to turn off the globe"}

}    (SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE)
}
}
}Usherette: Science Fiction
}    Double Feature.
}    Frank has built and
}    Lost his creature.
}    Darkness has conquered
}    Brad and Janet.
}    The servants gone to
}    A distant planet.
}    Wo, oh, oh, oh.
}    At the late night, double feature,
}    Picture show.
}    I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
}    To the late night, double feature,
}    Picture show.

    FIN
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