From: curtis@berkeley.edu (Curtis Yarvin)
Subject: On The Wheel Of Hate
Organization: CS Dept. Snakepit - Do Not Feed.
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 00:28:04 GMT

"Hello, folks!  And welcome to today's edition of WHEEL OF HATE!"

Flashing lights.  Sousa music.  Pan to audience - Peoria bourgeois
types, clapping wildly.  Zoom on a little girl in a red dress.
Smile strung on wires - like Nancy Reagan.  She waves a gold pompom.

"With our host - TOD VAN TOD!"

Pan to Van Tod at the podium.  Tall man, wispy blond hair, biting
grin & red tie - enjoying his work.  He waves.

"And hostess - VANNA WHITE!"

Vanna comes onscreen and flashes dazzling smile - Pepsodent.
Tight white dress, silver earrings.  Pan back to Van Tod, mike
in hand.

"Howdy, folks.  Today we're broadcasting live from a hidden
studio somewhere in the hills of Eastern Bosnia.  Our featured
guest is a young Bosnian gentleman, Alija Popovic."  He rhymes
Alija with fridge; Popovic with popcorn.  "Let's all have a
big hand for Alija."

The audience obliges.  Pan to Alija, stage left.  Brown hair and
ill-trimmed mustache; wrinkled black suit; nervous expression.
He's staring away from the camera, at something onstage but offscreen.

"Alija grew up in the peaceful Bosnian town of Dobro Dobro, not far
 from here.  But when he was only sixteen the Yugoslav War broke
 out, and a company of Serbian soldiers raped and killed his parents.
 Alija fled to Germany, where our dedicated team of investigators
 found him living on the mean streets of downtown Dinkelscherben."

Cut to grainy home-video-style clip: man walking through a dark
alley.  Tall, with shaggy brown hair.  The camera follows him.
Unsavory-looking men are leaning against the walls, smoking.  The
investigator approaches an especially unsavory one, mumbles a
quick question.  The man shakes his head and spits.  He turns
away and buttonholes a few more of the nefarious characters;
eventually he finds one who nods.  They amble over to an even-
danker corner, the camera following, where the man slips him
a bag of white powder and gets a few bills in return.

A flash of lightning (or magnesium?) overhead; the investigator is
revealed to be Van Tod in a wig, the pusher a scruffier Alija.  They sit
down on a bench and begin chasing the dragon together, chatting.
As Alija talks Van Tod's eyes grow wider; eventually he pulls a sap from
his pocket and slaps Alija over the head.  A black van drives up and
loads in the unconscious Muslim.  The clip ends.  Cut back to Van Tod.

"But today, Alija will be getting the chance of a lifetime - for our
other guest is the notorious Captain Milutin Boravic, the Serb who
led that vicious attack on peaceful Dobro Dobro!  Before he was
captured in a daring commando raid by our Wheel of Hate military
support staff, Captain Boravic cut a bloody path through the rural
Muslim towns of eastern Bosnia - so brutal that even his own troops
called him the 'Butcher of Bihac!'  Now he's HERE, on WHEEL OF HATE!
Let's have a big hand for Captain Boravic!"

The audience cheers.  Pan stage right.  Boravic is spreadeagled
prone on a spangled wheel, bound and gagged.  A mask conceals his
whole face but for the eyes - black and vicious.  Vanna steps
to his side and spins the wheel.  It's heavy but she pushes hard
and gets it going.

"All Alija has to do is execute the murderous Captain Boravic,
and we'll give him a villa in the Riviera and ten million dollars.
Sounds easy, right?  Get him, Alija!"

Vanna picks up a big sledgehammer and, panting a bit, gives it to
Alija.  He lifts it over his head and paces toward the
wheel, where Captain Boravic is slowly spinning.

"But wait!  Just a moment, Alija!"  Alija turns his head but
keeps moving.  Van Tod holds up a piece of paper.  "We just
received a communique from the Yugoslav Army.  It says,
'Eef any harm zhood come to Capitan Boravic we go pomb
Dobro Dobro until zere is noting put peeg hole in ze
ground.'"

Alija lowers the sledgehammer.  Vanna walks over and gives
him a brass key.  "This will unlock Captain Boravic's
chains," she tells him.  "I think you should use it.
You can't condemn all of Dobro Dobro just to kill one
Serb."

Alija nods his head and drops the sledgehammer.  "Wait!"
cries Van Tod.  "You're not going to just let the Butcher of
Bihac go, are you?  This man is a killer!  He rapes women,
mutilates men, and ties dogs to the back bumpers of his
tanks!  Captain Boravic makes Salman Rushdie look like a
saint!  Execute him and you'll rest with the houris of heaven
for all eternity."

The Muslim hesitates, key in hand.  Vanna rushes up to
him and falls at his feet.  "Alija!  You can't be thinking
of killing this man!  He's suffered enough for his sins!
We let the roadies play blowtorch mumbletypeg with his
genitals!  And think of the retribution!  Your sweet
hometown of Dobro Dobro will be utterly destroyed!
Picture your neighbor, old Mrs Bosanska... out on a sunny
day, peacefully planting tomato seeds in her backyard
garden.  She wants nothing more than to see those
innocent plants come to fruit.  But no!  The Migs
are flying!  The artillery is firing!  A bomb lands
in her backyard!  Poor Mrs Bosanska is blown to shreds!
Please be merciful, Alija.  Please don't let this happen.
Only you can save Dobro Dobro!"  Vanna begins to cry -
long gooey tears.

"Don't listen to the bitch, Alija.  She just wants to
get you in bed.  Insatiable.  No morals at all.  Just
nail the murderous bastard and we're off to the Riviera.
Ten million dollars, Ali.  You know how many dinars that
is?"

But Alija is not convinced.  He takes the key and walks
over to the Wheel of Hate, looking for the lock.

"He raped your mother, Alija," says Van Tod, calm.
"Personally.  We have pictures."  He holds up a
snapshot.

Weasel-quick, Alija picks up the sledgehammer and slams
it into the Captain's chest.  There's a very ugly noise
and a lot of blood.  The Wheel stops turning.

Vanna weeps.  "Brilliant, Alija," says Van Tod.  "Here's
your check and the deed for the villa.  But first...
Vanna, unmask the corpse!"

Vanna pulls the mask off the dead man's face.  He looks
a lot like Alija himself.

"We lied," says Van Tod.  "That wasn't Captain Boravic.
That was your younger brother Selim, who we kidnapped from a
gay brothel in Istanbul."  He smiles.  "But the Serbs will
bomb Dobro Dobro anyway. They'll take any excuse they can
get."

Alija screams horribly.  He picks up the sledgehammer and runs
at Van Tod.  He's about halfway there when Vanna pulls a .44
Magnum from behind her back and shoots him dead.  "I loved him,"
she says.  "But I had to kill him."

The audience cheers wildly.  Credits roll.



"This program was a production of PBS, the Public Broadcasting
System, which is solely responsible for its content.  Funding
for this program was provided by the President's Emergency
Committee on Race Relations.

"Next, the news.

"Fighting continues in Los Angeles, where a third black
separatist organization today declared its independence from
the United States.  In reply, the President ordered elements
of the 57th Air Force to engage in punitive munitions
deployment over Watts..."

c
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