Organization: University of Illinois at Chicago
Date: Saturday, 26 Dec 1992 08:26:21 CST
From: <U60703@uicvm.uic.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Re: Christmas comes but once a year
 <1992Dec26.55805.22706@ms.uky.edu>

In article <1992Dec26.55805.22706@ms.uky.edu>, justin@hp750.ccs.uky.edu (Justin
Sullivan) says:

 The irony is that
>everyone will get a puzzled look on their face when they find you in a pool
>of your own blood.. You just TOLD them how miserable you were (in so many
>words), but they'll all ask: "Why would he do something like that?"
>Duh..
>

Hi.....after  reading this I just felt a need to put my 2 cents in....

Puzzled looks.....puzzled hearts/minds.....suicide is a very hard thing to
understand.....my story in relation to this...

My older sister took her life last year, 2 days after X-mas...(tomorrow)....
throughout the year or two preceding this....she had brought it up occaision-
ally....saying things like...."well...when I'm gone it won't matter anyways"..
or..."shit...I'll just kill myself and be done with this shit".....

Your statements about...duh...why?....are somewhat accurate....looking back
now and remembering some of her statements I realize how we in the family
didn't really HEAR what she was saying....or we heard but didn't really
LISTEN....nobody wants to hear those kinds of things....all of us just thought
that she said them in times of anger....that she'd never really do anything
to harm herself.....it was just her way of venting her frustrations...

Duh...why?....I guess those left behind always think/feel this way because
for some reason......for myself anyways....I wonder why because I cannot
comprehend the thought/feeling process she must have went through...I cannot
comprehend the depth of pain that she must have felt leading up to this...I
don't want to believe that someone can have so much pain in their life...and
not know where to turn for help...or fight those who reach out...we talked a
lot and were very close....it wasn't enough....

Your duh,why? statement also angered me too though....it made me feel like
us survivors (which is what we are) just stand around perplexed and in
O cloud of stupidity....not true....we just don't UNDERSTAND the act...we
cannot relate....esp. with all of the help available today....I read that
80% (I think it was 80%) of all suicide victims don't go/refuse help, and
that out of these 80%, apx. 2/3 could have been prevented....some with
therapy/anti-depressants or combo of both....most don't go for help though
because of the percieved stigma attached to needing help...my sister thought
she SHOULD handle things....wouldn't go  for help....

Your statement also seemed to me to minimize the severe pain/trauma a  whole
family would go through..as if "it" would happen and they'd wonder why,duh...
and then just carry on as  if it were just another little glitch in their day.
IMO....this is the biggest false perception that a person who's contemplating
suicide has....

I think of my sister every day....
I miss her every day....
To me it feels as though she was snatched away,and then reality/space/time
just filled the void where she often stood....
I hear her laughter, feel her pain, and sometimes think I am beginning to
understand now....now when it's too late....
I wish I had her here to listen....REALLY listen this time...wondering some-
times if she'd still "do it".....
Sometimes the pain/guilt of the whole thing paralyzes me for days....thinking
I could have prevented it....when in reality I couldn't....

I could keep going on but won't....I guess I just want you out there to realize
that the survivors of a suicide are left with so much  pain/trauma/anger/con-
fusion to deal with.....and It stays with us always...it just lessons over
time...but for me the unanswered questions will always be there somewhere in
the back of my mind....along with the pain....and along with the love that
I will always carry for her in my heart....and a part of me likes to believe
that if she knew what all of us felt for her...REALLY knew...she'd be here
today.....

Maybe this turned out to be a way of me getting some of this pain outside of
myself.....putting it out there on the Net..Thanx for letting me vent...and
if I misinterpreted comments....I apologize....

But if anyone out there who reads this is in that much pain/frustration and
is seriuosly contemplating suicide...please think of those you know....
family/friends/co-workers etc.....whom you think don't care/love/un-
derstand what you want/need.....they'd probably do anything to help you if
they could just understand...and it's not their fault that they don't....
Once you're gone..that's it...there's no second chance...no opportunity for
you to see and know how much they really care....and the wounds you leave
behind are forever....please go for professional help at all costs...the
thought of another family going through what ours did (does!) pains me.

Thanx again for listening.....

And.....Marcia, I love you wherever you are....

Carole
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday