From: geroldf@sdd.hp.com (Gerold Firl)
Subject: Re: sex/power
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division
Date: Wed, 08 Apr 1992 23:06:34 GMT

bajan@cs.mcgill.ca (Alan Emtage) writes:

>I apologise for the length of the article, but I feel that certain things
>need to be clarified.

Yes - this is a delicate issue, with a lot of potential for generating
anger. I think this shows that it also holds the potential to illuminate
some important issues, and I'd like to take a stab at reformulating the
question in such a way as to show how two people can look at the same 
thing, and see two totally different realities.

>In article <1992Apr4.202207.26484@zip.eecs.umich.edu> fields@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Matthew Fields) writes:

>>IMHO you were abused, plain and simple.

As several people have stated, abuse survivors find it very difficult to
accept the idea of a healthy, consentual sexual relationship between a
child and an adult. They were the victims (if you'll excuse the term) of
unhealthy, exploitative sexual relationships. Personally, I will make no
categorical statements either way - I do not have the experience to be able 
to judge. But I think some benefit can come from a gedanken experiment
("gedanken": German for "thought". In physics, a gedanken experiment is
the cheapest and easiest of all experiments, since the hardware is almost
free). 

I think we all agree that it is possible for a child to express their 
sexual nature in a healthy, normal fashion. I have a 3 year old and a 6
year old, and they both discovered masturbation as a natural result of
their desire to explore every interesting sensation. I don't think many
people still believe this is unhealthy.

I think most of us agree that when children "play doctor" or otherwise
explore sexuality with other children this is also a normal outgrowth of
their curiosity. Were it not for our social restrictions, I expect most
children would be engaging in some form of sexual behavior with their 
peers. Children do perceive the pleasurable sensations of their erogenous
zones, and I see no a priori reason why they would not be interested in
exploring these sensations other than the disapproval they receive when
adults find out about it.

So what about the next step in the progression: sex between a child and
an adult? Here is where I'm afraid we reach the parting of the ways. A
survivor who has been exploited, victimized, abused, treated with cruelty
or contempt by an adult using the child for sexual purposes will naturally
perceive such relationships within the context of their experience. Yet
it seems to me that it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Sex between
equals involves a give-and-take where a suitable compromise must be found
which satisfies both partners. Many survivors in this group have stated 
that because of the inherent inequality between an adult and child it is
impossible for them to have a sexual relationship without the adult 
exploiting their superior experience, power, strength, etc, to take advantage
of the child in an unethical manner.

Once the issue is phrased this way, it appears to me that the objection 
to adult-child sex is based on an assumption of adult corruption: the idea
that the adult will necessarily use their advantages in an unethical way
to unfairly use the child. If one grew up surrounded by adults who were
so morally rotten as to do this, it seems perfectly natural to feel this
way. I would like to point out that not everyone is like this. Certainly,
most parents do not want to do anything to hurt their children. From an
evolutionary/sociobiological point of view the parents want to do everything
they can to maximize their kids' chances of surviving and prospering. 

Does that put the question in a different light? I would like to point 
out that I offer this as brain fodder only. I do not advocate adult-child
sexual relationships, but not out of any deeply-felt conviction that they
are inherently wrong. As a parent, I want my children to guide their own
pace of development. When they are ready for sex, I think they should 
decide for themselves how far, and how fast, they want to go. If they feel
that an older, more experienced partner would be right for them, then 
that probably would be right for them. I would just want to make sure 
that they were not getting into an exploitative relationship with someone
who wasn't interested in their welfare and who didn't treat them with 
respect. 

This may sound highly unrealistic to some of you, but let me remind you
that your experiences have been gathered in a very unusual sample of 
humanity. Many of you grew up with actual monsters in the house, living
with you, cheek by jowl. My experience is very different, and it is 
important for you to understand how that difference manifests. I find 
that most people are pretty trustworthy, and I don't feel like I need 
to keep up my guard at all times. I'm aware that there are monsters
hidden in the crowd, posing as humans, and I don't advocate turning a 
blind eye to that fact. I don't think we should turn a blind eye to 
_any_ fact. Don't flinch from *any* aspect of reality. Love and death
both have their parts to play, and to be fully human, we need to be
comfortable with beauty and uglyness on an equal footing. Personally, 
I can't look at an alpine meadow and a garbage dump with the same 
Olympian detachment - maybe it all comes down to esthetics. 

Anyway, I'm starting to randomly ramble here - probably said more than 
enough already. Hope I didn't upset anyone too much - gerold

-- 
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Disclaimer claims dat de claims claimed in dis are de claims of meself,
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----   Gerold Firl @ ..hplabs!hp-sdd!geroldf
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery