HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1511@twwells.com (mouse)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Suicide is a right, but ....
Date: 25 Jan 93 14:51:30 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


 
In article <1993Jan23.080758.1254@unislc.uucp> erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp) writes:
>Greg Cook|xxxxxx (gcook@horus.cem.msu.EDU) wrote:
>
>: I agree with this concept.  The problem is, suicide DOES hurt other 
>: people, and that has to be taken into account when someone wants to 
>: commit suicide.

Ed Carp replies:
>
>That reminds me of a Buddhist concept which says that any action contemplated
>must be thought of from your point of view, the other person's point of view,
>and the third party who will be most affected by the act.

i've been thinking about suicide
but, now, more from a philosophical point
than from an implementative point

things are really up and down for me right now
but i do not feel suicidal
i agree with  Ed and Greg's thoughts
it is the weighing of actions that is important
(as in most decisions)

when a coworker committed suicide
many people were affected (including me)
but as angry, hurt, and confused
i realized how much pain she must have been in
to have to resort to such a thing
her few, close friends 'understood' because they knew
she'd been very depressed, was on medication,
spoke of suicide frequently, and had even attempted it before
**not to say that their pain was any less**
but at least they had an understanding _why_ she made
the decision she did
whether they agreed with that decision, or not
 
not being that close to her, it is still difficult for me
to believe that a beautiful 23 year old woman with a wonderful
personality would reach that decision.
her pain must have been tremendous

mouse



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From: aakin@lonestar.utsa.edu (Ashley T. Akin)
Subject: Another Problem....
Organization: University of Texas at San Antonio
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 22:32:08 GMT

Now that I have started onto the road of recovery ( as opposed to denial
and suppression), part of me does feel better. But, now I have a new problem
on my hands. For some reason, I'm terrified to go home. I have not been home
since my breakdown..and personally, I'm afraid to go. I can't stand the thought
of walking into an empty apartment, being so silent, alone, and empty. I don't
really ever know what it is that keeps me here...But, I need to face this
fear..I need help, badly.

Peace.....

Ashley Taylor Akin
From: anon-1546@twwells.com (LittleBear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: LittleBear's been sad
Date: 21 Jan 93 21:51:38 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

It has been a really tough, really tough week. I've been so sad. Sometimes
I don't know why. Sometimes I think it's because there is so much suffering
and I'm so good at feeling other people's feelings and making them mine.

Strangely, though, it's been helpful to get into some of your sadness,
lovely people on asar. You see I have felt sad all week and today I'm
better. You helped me feel it. It wasn't always nice, but I let myself feel
it and that was good. Well, sad but good. Do you know what I mean?

I got through it! I didn't squash it down and get a stomach ache.

I'm relieved to see that some of you are younger than I. It means you can
get on with your healing at an earlier point in your life. I was, like my
buddy pooh, a perfect little bear for such a long time. About forty years.
Amassed a lot of acquaintances who thought I was real together. Got tired
of maintaining the scenario, though I didn't know that's what I was doing.
Had begun to believe I was real together. But it wasn't right. It sorta
fell apart.

Courage, kids. (Oh, excuse me;)  Stay with it. Work through it. It gets
better. Maybe when you're 45 like me, you'll be all better.

Almost there. (Hmmmm, that'll make a nice nickname one day)



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From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: impressionism
Date: 26 Jan 93 21:46:07 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:

>i have not cut
>now i am just ripping out my hair
>big big bald spots
>whats that called...triskatillomania or some odd thing

yeah, that's what it's called.  i'm impressed that you know the word for that.
i had to look it up.  i used to pull hair too.  when i was in the 3rd grade (1
or 2 years after the abuse) i used to pull hair and eyelashes a lot.  i
remembered knowing that i shouldn't do it, and feeling guilty about it.  for a
while i really had no eyelashes at all, which my mom actually noticed.  i guess
i finally got something across.  anyway.  why did it do it?  something about
pain.  i'm unclear.  i guess the usual reasons.  back then though i don't think
i stopped to consider why.  i just felt compelled.  i'm right handed, and even
now, over 15 years later, the hair on the right side of my head is thinner than
the hair on the left side.  anyway, *hugs* to you, poohbear.  i know where
you're coming from.  please be easy on yourself, ok?

-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
From: anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'm a perpetrator, too
Date: 24 Jan 93 21:19:18 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9423


>	So you are talking about self abuse here?  Or are you saying that
>you are seeking out other children and abusing them?
>

Oh, geeze.  I'm sorry.  I didn't make it clear enough, did I.  This is
self-abuse; self-hatred.

I didn't think how this sounded.  It was clear to me, but on re-reading
it I can see how it could get mis-construed.

No, I have never abused any children; I treat my own children with kindness
and respect and gentleness.  That's why I said this chain of abuse has
been stopped.

I'm sorry for any confusion or unnecessary anger that post caused.

Sorry, 

Jazzman
 



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From: SCS110@psuvm.psu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: test
Date: 26 Jan 93 18:49:31 GMT
Organization: Penn State University

this is a test please disregard.
From: anon-1410@twwells.com (Us Peoples)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: anon stuff again
Date: 23 Jan 93 21:59:44 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

we were thinking about going non anon.  we are find with lots people finding
out we are survivor, Big Christina goes around telling everyone and announcing
it during classes & reading poetry about it at coffeehouses anyway.  and we 
are thinking about maybe submitting something we wrote to a survivors 
newsletter and we want put our whole real name on it.  

But we are not comfortable with people knowing about our multiplicity.  we
still might not be totally comfortable non-anon about other stuff -- but we
could easily get used to it, but we are not comfortable with ltos people
knowing we are multiple and knowing we get suicidal sometimes -- and we are
connected to a school and we know lots of people on the net & they would
know who we are and we aren't comfortable with that.

so we anon.  mostly.  but have been told by somebody from asar who is on 
another list we are also on (with our real name & account) that it is pretty
easy to tell who I am -- so I know my anonymity is limited...but it is 
enough to make the littles feel safer -- we get really paranoid sometimes,
and so if we need to we can make up new anon id and post differeintly for a
while until the paranoia goes away.

we want, eventually, to not ahve to hide at all, we HATE hiding and we like
letting people know who we are and that what we are isnt' bad....but we aren't
at that point yet....so....we are Us peoples...

us peoples



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From: anon-1296@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: HELP!
Date: 27 Jan 93 19:32:52 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Ashley

 <IS ANYONE THERE?!?!? DOES ANYONE
<GIVE A SHIT?!?!? 

I believe what you say.
It hurts doesn't it. I'd write direct but can't cause then i'd be non-anon
Scream Cry Yell..don't keep it in or else it's worse.

i try to be sup[portive but truth is i feel the same way.
Funny how the people how know you are so clueless, they think you/;re
fine and good even when you're absolutly going off the edge, then you
can't talk

oh fuck i'm sorry i shoulkd have been good

<And, something inside tells me that I didn't deserve it...
<Regardless of what others say. I have been molested and abused by my
<parents, raped and beaten by boyfriends....Is there really such a thing
<as love? Or God?

You didn't deserve anything that people did to fuck you up, hang on to
that little part of you..that's where you start healing.

Supposedly there is such a thing as love, i don;t know it personally,
but i've seen some people who have it. Jasmyne has to believe in it or
else she'll die

I don;t know about God..

<I am sooo tired......someone..PLEASE write to me. I'm so confused...and
<scared...and angry....tears are coming out of my eyes as I type this. I
<don't want pity...I just want someone to truly care about me as an
<individual. Someone to listen to what I have to say. Someone who will
<BELIEVE WHAT I TELL THEM.
<I feel like I'm losing my mind...Help me...Please?

i want to cry as i read this. you say all the things i always want to
say but am too scared to.
i don;t know what to say to make it all feel better. No one wants pity.
Don't get caught up in long distance relationships. They're good for
awhile but they don;'t prove anything, you need to make it happen in
your real life (besides it hurts your phone bill) i've run up around
$800 in long distance since i started remembering, sometimes with people
i've never even met or ever will. Sometimes i even got hurt bad in those
that were supposed to be safe.
who the fuck knows

i don't know if i can help but i can understand
people here will usualkly understand..it's usually safe.
keep trying and always remember that you have yourself.

Jasmyne



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From: anon-1511@twwells.com (mouse)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: truth of poohbear
Date: 22 Jan 93 17:47:42 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

poohbear, i feel your pain as if it were my own
your story sounds like mine when i was
in college
even now i live the myth of mouse

but even a mouse and poohbear have truth
and that comes through in posts
to asar
a truth is

you are not in denial
you recognize your pain, your anorexia, your limitations
you see yourself clearly

you reach out to asar
and let us know how you are feeling
and thinking

you are capable of love and of loving
whether your relationship is 'atypical'
love is love

you bring joy to others
their hearts lift when they see another
poohbear post

you have friends that see your pain
they may be scared and unsure of what they can do
but they see pain

you have found a way to survive
and survive and survive

thank you for being here

courage,
mouse



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From: cloister@stein.u.washington.edu (cloister bell)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: intro possible spoilers
Date: 28 Jan 1993 03:17:08 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: stein.u.washington.edu

anon-1409@twwells.com (moondreamer) writes:

>ANON-name: moondreamer etc.

>hi everybody.

hi!  welcome, moondreamer.  *hugs* to you should you want them.

[lotsa stuff deleted to save space]

>i'm sorry.
>i don't know if it was ok to say all that stuff.
>but i did put a spoiler warning on.
>i hope it was ok.

yes, it was ok.  completely ok.  you made perfect use of the spoiler warning,
better than i make myself sometimes.

>yes i know it doesn't seem like we really know anything.  i hope y'all won't
>be mad that we're here.

mad?  of course not.  the ones to be mad at are the perps, not the survivors.

[more stuff deleted]

again, welcome to asar.  i hope we can help eachother get better faster.  :)
-- 
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
+-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: nathan@trinidad.NoSubdomain.NoDomain (Nathan Justus)
Subject: To Krikket
Organization: Bellcore, Livingston, NJ
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 93 14:27:46 GMT


Krikket,

I've been sending mail for weeks and I don't think you've been getting it....
I think it's been a victim of your mail feed problem!



Nathan 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: sympathy for the devil
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:47:41 GMT

Richard M. Romanowski (rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu) wrote:

: 	Sweetness and light are all very good at times ... sometimes even
: a paranoid old bastard like me wants nothing more than to lie back against
: a warm shin and have his neck scratched with absent-minded benevolence,
: as one scratches a cat.  
: 
: 	But all sweetness and all light just won't do.  It's like eating
: nothing but butter and sugar.  Eventually you chase down a rabbit and 
: devour it raw, just to get some protein.  One only needs a little bit,
: but without that little bit, severe malnutrition weakens the soul.
: (All this is said much better in the writings of Dion Fortune.) 

Or, as Eric Lustbader wrote, "To be a champion ... one must explore the
darkness, too..."  If one is all sweetness and light, they suppress and deny
the "bad" or "evil" that is within oneself.

If you follow your line of thought to its logical conclusion, you come to
conclusions that, if voiced in asar, will get you crucified.  That does not
make them any less true, though.
-- 
Ed Carp			erc@apple.com, erc@saturn.upl.com	801/538-0177
1935 will go down in history.  For the first time, a civilized nation has
full gun registration.  Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient,
and the world will follow our lead into the future.  --Adolf Hitler
From: anon-1606@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: logoff
Date: 23 Jan 93 19:29:12 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

what's the deal with posting here, people?  Is this message actually going to g
et posted.  Do I get assigned an anonymous ID or do I make one up?  Will my rea
l ID get posted now?  I hope not.  Gee, rather scary, all this computer stuff.
 Is posting really as easy as using E-Mail.  My babe got lots of stuff from you
 guys over the last few months and I've been reading up on all of your lives.
Very weird to feel so close to people you don't know.  Strange.  I think you're
 all really neat, especially Pooh Bear, and Silver Tiger, and Dark Angel, and K
rikket (spelled correctly??)  and cloisterbell.  So anyway, I'm anxious to get
involved in this for obvious reasons, so how do I.  Huh?
                                                        Have no name yet, but w
ill have one soon.  I hope.
                           P.S.  E-hugs to all if they want it.



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain)
Subject: Re: Starting therapy tomorrow (I hope)
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 03:10:14 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

In article <C1E7z2.C3A@twwells.com>
anon-1561@twwells.com (Snow with Sun) writes:

> Why * Do * I * Feel * Self-Conscious * And  *
> Almost * Ashamed * About * This ?????

You know, that's the way I felt when one of my good friends was trying
to get me to see a therapist.  I told him I was scared at the prospect
of seeing a therapist, and he said to me, 'I don't see why there's such
a stigma in our society about therapy.'  I guess he's right, but there
are very few people I've told about it (non-anon).

> Then I sat in their waiting room and filled out the
> form.  I checked off about 15 items from their list
> of "Which of these things are bothering you?"
> About a quarter of the page was a box with the
> instruction "Please explain more about your
> concerns."   Man, I just scribbled away.  [In the
> short time I've been occasionally posting to ASAR
> I'm sure I've shown what a motor-mouth I can be
> once I get rolling.]  Luckily, there was just a
> limited space.

I had a form like this myself.  I didn't check the box that referred to
abuse, and at the time, I was ashamed for not doing so, because I felt
like I was lying (although the abuse wasn't the reason why my friend
had referred me to therapy), but in light of what eventually happened,
I'm glad I didn't.

Good luck on your therapy!



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From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: hasty words
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 15:31:34 GMT

In article <C19wuJ.Bzx@acsu.buffalo.edu> rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski) writes:
>
>	I've been shooting my mouth off lately.  I've been wrong 
>at least twice.
>
[Details of apology deleted]

Thanks--at this point, I find apologies on the net so rare and wonderful
that I remember and treasure particular instances.

>
>	--but--
>
[schtick deleted]

>	Pain is a laughing matter, and all of my laughter has pain.
>Possibly all laughter everywhere has pain in it somewhere.  When I
>write a nasty satiric piece, it should make you laugh ... but it
>should make you think.
>
>	What that nasty satiric piece was about was dignity.  Dignity is
>dangerous.  Especially for depressed folks.  Judging from my less-than-
>omniscient-experience, the more dignified you are, the more capable 
>you are of hurting yourself.  Laughter is a sign of life, which is why
>you should always laugh when you are in pain.  

I more-or-less agree. I believe that life is motion, and dignity is the
stillness of death. 

On the other hand, having the same reaction all the time (including laughter
as a response to pain) is a sort of rigidity, too.

>	Maybe an absurdly funny person is no longer worth something as
>melodramatic and over-dignified as suicide.  The sensation I get when
>a suicidal impulse sizzles on my Beacon of Coleslaw,

It's important to stay alive, but I believe that being determined to feel
what you're feeling (rather than having some habitual transformation for
the emotions you don't want to feel) will leave you weird and flexible
for all practical purposes. 

This is just a thought that occurred to me when I was reading your post,
so please take it as a mere hypothesis. I wonder if you're doing "mascot"
stuff. A mascot is the person (frequently a youngest child in a dysfunctional
family) who defuses danger by being compulsively entertaining. 

I've got a streak of it myself (for all that I was first-born). I go in
for a non-standard form where it's mostly intellectual instead of
pure humor.

Dragon

(I've liked dragons for a long time, but I think I first realized how much
I identify with them when I saw a t-shirt that said "Dragon Obedience
School Dropout", felt a tremendous surge of energy, and realized that
being a Dragon Obedience School Dropout explained a lot about my life.)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To Ashley, and everyone
From: JGILBERT@eagle.wesleyan.edu (JESSE L. GILBERT)
Date: 27 Jan 93 21:37:10 EDT
Distribution: world
Organization: Wesleyan University
X-News-Reader: VMS NEWS 1.20Lines: 26


First, to Ashley - 

I will definitely listen.  I'm very glad that you were able to write what you
did, and that you asked for help.

I'm also grateful that something like this exists.  This is the first time I
have looked through NEWS, and I never expected to find all of you.

How lucky.


I am a survivor as well, and I went through a long period of forgetting.  I am
a college student, and I remembered after a month of being away from home.

All I can say about my experience is that, as soon as I was aware of my own
experience, I became aware of how often this happens.  It made me so sad to
realize that many of my friends had been through the same terror, and had the
same mistrust of others.


I hope that all of you are well, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Jesse.
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: non anon?
Date: 21 Jan 93 18:13:26 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

me? 

oh yeah right
having no one know who i am is about the only thing i have left to save me

but then again that way i kind of save myself and lose myself all at once
but this is a small school
and if things turn out the way i hope they wont 
i won't have to worry about being anonymous
by the time i get the nerve to tell everything
you'll all know me

(yipe...)


but anyway
poohbear i understand the myth
will the real darkangel please stand up
and i guess i wish i could post as myself sometimes
care
darkangel



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