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Date:         Wed, 29 Jul 1992 16:57:24 -0400
From:         Andrew Allen <E7L8ALL@TOWSONVX.BITNET>
Subject:      The Y's Guys answer the issues...

On behalf of the Y's Guys (other andY and steve raffertY) I am responding to
this post as it appears to be what passes for a meaningful debate in this
election... somebody call the League of Women Voters B)

I. The Beer Issue...

A.
The Tall Guys in response to a query from brni, announce their support
for intoxicants:

>>what is the alleged affiliation between the snuff lobby and the Tall Guys?
>>and what do the illuminati have to do with this?

>This would have to do with Mrs. Smith's husband, Snuffy.  The Bavarian
>Illuminati (not to be confused with the M00se Illuminati) recently caused
>Mr. Smith to be locked up for brewing intoxicating beverages.  The Tall
>Guys, being in favor of intoxicating beverages, are lobbying for Snuffy's
>release - hence our connection to the 'snuff' lobby.

We the Y's Guys also support the production and consumption of intoxicating
beverages and we intend to *do* something about it more than just whine that
they locked up one of our buddies for making the stuff.

Our plan for the promotion of production and consumption of intoxicating
beverages will include:

        1. We believe in quality intoxicants, hence we will mandate the
           adoption of the German Purity Standards for brewing ingredients
           and processes.

           Any brewer found to be adding carbonation, head stabilizers or
           other chemical additives will be closed down.

        2. Beer will be considered a fifth food group.

        3. The formation of microbreweries will be encouraged.

        4. In the interests of public health, milk distributed in
           public schools will be replaced with low alcohol content
           red wine.

B.
>>>7) Kegger!
>>Here the services of Evens, Dickson, or myself are nearly
>>mandatory. The three of us know why.

>Your expertise will be most welcome in the Tall Guy administration.

The Y's Guys claim considerable experience and expertise in this area.


II. The Shoe Thing

>>I must say that I am concerned by the failure of any of the
>>declared candidates to address the Shoe Issue in a direct way.

>Shoes are Good Things, and more steps should be taken to pump more
>of them into society.

Our opponents are not as well heeled as we are.


III. The Intelligence Thing

>>>8) The M00se Illuminati will replace the CIA, FBI, and other intelligence/
>>>   coversion apparatusi
>>The otherwise positive effect spoiled by hideous mangling of
>>Latin plural. Again, perhaps a Lorson resurgence would help.

>How careless of me!  I, of course, meant apparati.

I believe that this is an obfuscation fnord, our opponents were trying
to subtley persuade us that they would make covert agents dance the
Watusi.

Covert agents cannot dance, they are recruited from the ranks of those
whom no one would eat lunch with in school, much less dance with, hence
they have never learned this social skill.


IV. The National Anthem Issue

>The Tall Guy ticket is considering several possible anthems to replace
>the old, distressingly dated one we currently have.  Among them:

>* Dave Barry's "Adventure Dog" theme
>* Wally Pleasant's "Psycho Roommate"
>* the forklift song from Mystery Science Theater 3000
>* anything by Divine Styler

The Tall Guys clearly haven't a clue here; the most important thing about
a national anthem is that it must a) be beyond the singing range of most
people , b) sound really good when one is drinking, and c) be the sort of
thing that one might be more likely to attempt after a few beers.

For this reason during the transition period while steve and I write the
new national anthem, the old one will be acceptable only if presented with
the special Roseanne Barr (Arnold?) choreography.

V. The Mental Health Thing

>>6) Mandate "mental health days" as part of a work bennies package,
>>equalling the number of days of vacation, and increase the size of
>>vacation to 20 working days a year.

>There has been disagreement amongst Evelyn and Abbie regarding
>this plank, with Evelyn suggesting Zen, and Abbie suggesting Bennies.

The Y's guys suggest marijuana rather than benzedrine, pot seems to
be more likely to put people in a mood to relax and vacation than
would bennies. We of course support Evelyn's nod toward a drug-free
lifestyle based upon spirituality, however we know that Zen is just
not realistically for everybody.

>The JohnsoN/OlsoN ticket suggests that what individuals do for their
>mental health is their own business, and government should remain
>neutral in such issues.

Here we have to agree, and would note that the government has indeed
been in neutral (while gunning the engine) for years.

Oh and speaking of mental health... in a nod towards 2nd amendment rights,
the Y's guys will make surplus government guns available free of charge
to any citizen over eighteen that can prove that they are not crazy
and have not been convicted of a violent crime.

VI. The Work Week, Vacation Leave Thing

The work week will be mandated to be no more than 21 hours per week,
this figure based on Margaret Mead's assertion that sustenance for
hunter-gatherers required 3 hours per day of work.

Vacation time will minimally be 40 days per year.

Well that's enough for now- see y'all on the campaign trail...

-other andY

Just say "Y"
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