From: daveshao@leland.stanford.edu (David Shao)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Re: Adultery, non-marital sex, and forgiveness
Date: 21 Jan 93 08:50:39 GMT
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA

In article <Jan.20.00.10.37.1993.858@geneva.rutgers.edu> jcj@tellabs.com writes:
>I have a question about what I see as an apparent contradiction regarding
>adultery (I apologize if this has been discussed before).  The OT position
>is clear in the Commandments, but in the NT where so much emphasis is put 
>on forgiving and forgiveness, Jesus Himself said that the only grounds for
>divorce was adultery.  But how can a Christian ask that his/her trespasses
>be forgiven as those who trespass against him/her if they won't forgive 
>his/her spouse (even for adultery)?  If we should judge not lest we be 
>judged, how can we say that an adulterer is any worse than any of us?  
>What about not casting the first stone?  What am I missing here?  
>
>That also raises the issue of non-marital sex.  Can a Christian say 
>with clear conscious to a potential spouse, "I can't marry you because you 
>had sex with your high school honey/ex-fiancee/whatever"?  If we are 
>taught to forgive then we should also forgive them that, shouldn't we?
>You might say a *true* Christian would wait for marriage, but we also
>know the flesh can be weak, people are sinful (willingly and unwittingly)
>and people make mistakes.  What about someone who is new to the
>faith and truly regrets their past?
>
>Suppose your spouse had an affair; could anyone, in good faith, say 
>"Well, God can forgive you, but I can't"?  I suspect at first I'd hardly
>react in a Christian manner, but isn't forgiveness fundamental to the 
>Christian faith even in the case of adulterous behaviour?  

One has an apparent contradiction only if one fails to read the Bible
as a CONSISTENT WHOLE and not just extend one passage to apply to
areas for which is was never meant.  There is simply a finite amount
of information which can be transmitted by a few sentences.  When one
reads about forgiveness, remember that this word needs to be defined
by the speakers in order for us to truly understand what was meant
by the word.

It is clear from Scripture that forgiveness does not necessarily mean
"accepting the continuance of past conditions into the future."
That is, Jesus qualified what he meant by forgiveness by saying that
one can forgive one's spouse for adultery, yet justly wish to end the
marriage.

Similarly, a crime victim may forgive his or her attacker, nonetheless,
it is permitted for the victim to ask the authorities for the attacker
to be punished under the law.  In Revelations there is even the 
spectacle of martyred Christians asking the Lord how long it will be
until their deaths are avenged:

  When he broke the fifth seal, I saw underneath the altar the
  souls of all the people who had been killed on account of the
  word of God, for witnessing to it.  They shouted aloud,
  "Holy, faithful Master, how much longer will you wait before
  you pass sentence and take vengeance for our death on the
  inhabitants of the earth?"    Revelation 6: 9-10 (Jerusalem Bible)

We must guard against the modern secular belief that actions should
have no consequences and that a person should be free to do anything he
wants.  There are some actions that have consequences that should not
be reversed.  

Jesus's words on adultery are exactly the counterweight to those who
would distort his other words to lay extra burdens on his followers.
There have been many people who have chosen to continue to be married
to a spouse who has committed adultery.  There have been many who
have have not.  Jesus is saying that whatever decision one makes
on this matter is permitted.

In my opinion one has to make up his or her own mind as to whether
marriage with the adulterous spouse is desirable.  For many adulterers,
adultery is not an act, it is a process and an essential part of how
they define themselves.  So many times one hears of a spouse
promising to never again cheat on the marital vows only to continue
the behavior throughout life.  And in the era of Aids, having an
adulterous spouse can be life-threatening. 

In my particular case, I can say that after years of being with my
wife and observing the person she is, were she to commit an act of
adultery I would both forgive her AND wish for the marriage to
continue.  This is based on my evaluation of her in her totality and
not just one facet.  But as part of my evaluation, I do not believe
that it is possible for her to say continuously carry on an affair
against my wishes and plot to kill me for life insurance money.
Were the latter scenario to happen, I would have to admit to myself
that my opinion of her was wrong, that marriage to her was hopeless,
and that it would be better for us not to be married.

The other issue raised in this prior posting of the importance of
virginity before marriage is a subject whose fullness I will have to address
at another time.  Recall that Ruth was not a virgin when she married
Boaz, she was a widow.  But what was important to Boaz in choosing
his wife, and what should be important to all of us, was his positive 
evaluation of Ruth's character.  On the other hand, the Bible says
that it is not easy for one to change one's nature.  All things are
possible of course once one becomes a Christian, but short of this
most people in the Bible who perform evil continue to do so until
their deaths.  Therefore it is acceptable for a man to marry a 
former prostitute and a drug user.  But if one does not know the
woman very well I would say that this would be an unwise action
as there would be a high probability of her returning to her past
life, and such a life would be incompatible with a Godly marriage.

Yours in Christ
David Shao