From: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie (Ciaran McHale)
Subject: Re: A nagging question
Organization: DSG, Dept. of Computer Science, Trinity College Dublin
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 10:56:29 GMT

In <1992Sep15.040311.16313@u.washington.edu>
wadlow@bela.music.washington.edu (John Wadlow) writes:
>The nagging questions is, "I'm I trying to fool myself and deny that
>I'm gay?" [...]
>
>A little background on this problem is necessary, I guess.  I'm about to  
>go into a relationship [with a woman] and frankly, I'm completely SCARED.

Being scared about entering relationships... I don't think you're alone
in that. Usually when I am attracted to a woman (I'm low on the Kinsey
scale) I make up a whole list of reasons why I *don't* fancy her or why
I shouldn't get involved with her even if I do fancy her. The list
usually includes things such as:

	o I have to study for exams so I can't spare the time for a
	  relationship.
	o Dating involves spending money (it shouldn't but it does). I'm
	  not sure if I can afford it.
	o She lives too far away from me for us to see each other
	  often. (Not necessariarly that she lives in another town;
	  usually that she lives a few miles away and I can't drive,
	  don't have a bicycle and there is a crap bus service
	  connecting us.)

(Sometimes I mention all these reservations to a friend and then,
having gotten all that out of my system I (hypocritically) ask the woman
out anyway. Its one way that I sometimes deal with my fears.)

BTW, if I am considering a relationship with a man then the above list
gets extended with varous forms of internalised homophobia, including
the question "Am I really bisexual? I'm probably really straight and
just a "wanna-be" bisexual."

Leaving the internalised homophobia inside and instead going back to
discussing my potential relationships with women... I think it boils
down to (i) fear of rejection, (ii) fear of becomming emotionally close
to somebody, and (iii) not looking forward to all the baggage which
inevitably gets lumped in with relationships. Examples of (iii) are
as follows:

	o When I date a woman, I'll meet her friends and I'll have to
	  pretend to like them even if we don't have anything in common.
	o If a guy I vaguely know happens to be going out with a friend
	  of my potential SO then we'll probably end up going on
	  double-dates and I'll have to pretend that I like this other
	  guy even though I have nothing in common with him.
	o She probably has different interests to me and I'll end up
	  going along with her to things that I am bored with.


Up above, I said:
>BTW, if I am considering a relationship with a man then the above list
>gets extended with varous forms of internalised homophobia, including
>question "Am I really bisexual? I'm probably really straight."

This question *seems* analogous to your one of:

	"I'm I trying to fool myself and deny that I'm gay?"

However, due to the power imbalance between hetero/homosexuality, your
fear probably has a basis which is not totally analogous to my fear.
Your fear _might_ be based on the following:

	Society tells you that being gay is evil, perverted etc. As such,
	it has taken you years to construct a positive gay identity for
	yourself. Now you find yourself attracted to a woman and this
	non-gay attraction *threatens* the gay identity which you have
	spent years constructing for yourself.

If you think this might be the case then you might want to read the
article about "social constructionism and essentialism" in:

	"Bisexuality, A reader and sourcebook", Thomas Geller, ed.
	1989 Times Change Press, Ojai, California, USA.

(Sorry I can't be more specific with the reference; my copy is on loan
to a friend.) This article in question providesa good introduction to
social constructionism and essentialism, and should help you understand
the basis of this fear a bit better.


BTW, I'm in a bit of a rush so sorry if the above response totally
misses the mark; I don't have the time to reread your posting to make
sure that I haven't misinterpreted you.


Ciaran.
-- 
Ciaran McHale                                                             ----
Department of Computer Science, Trinity College, Dublin 2, Ireland.       \bi/
Telephone: +353-1-7021539 FAX: +353-1-772204 email: cjmchale@dsg.cs.tcd.ie \/
Newsgroups: soc.bi