From: kapa@cbnewsc.cb.att.com (k.a.perkins)
Subject: Re: A Question of Everybody (was Re: Any married women out there?)
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 17:55:51 GMT
Followup-To: soc.couples

In article <t!4ml8g.noring@netcom.com>, noring@netcom.com (Jon Noring) writes:
> In article reykja@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Reykja Sigurdsson) writes:
> 
> 
> 
> >          The idea that anyone can 'vow' to stay with another for the rest
> >of their lives is ludicrous. If one is changing and growing, his/her com-
> >panionship needs will change also.          

Yes, (to the changing and growing part) but that doesn't preclude
a continuing relationship with
one person or set of people.  My life isn't episodic so much as
it is continuous.  I have had several close friends for more than
15 - 20 years (and most of us are not yet 40!), and while our
"companionship needs" have changed, our need to be friends and
a part of each other's life continues.  As I get older, I need
these people with a shared history more, not less.  People join
the group, and sometimes people leave, sometimes just for a short
period, but I truly believe that we can be good friends and family
our entire lives.

It is a comfort to be in long term healthy relationships.
My friends, my husband, and I understand each other.  I don't have to
keep telling them
about the significant events of my life so that they will
know who I am.  We were there when things happened to each other.
When one friend talks about how it was when his first kid was
born and had to stay in baby icu for 4 weeks, I remember.  I was
in the hospital with him.  He can tell me about his family troubles
and not have to introduce any of the people to me.  I've met them.
When my husband frets about his mother to me, he knows that I care
about her because she is my family, too.  She was my family yesterday
and today and tomorrow.  It is a comfort to live your life with
someone who cares about the same things as you do as much as you do.

It would bother me not at all to vow to be FRIENDS (tm) (with the strong
committment that that means to me) with these folks for my entire
life.  As for committing to be married to the same person for my
entire life, I wouldn't call it ludicrous.  It may not be what you
want, and it isn't necessarily easy and it may not even be the
right choice in all cases, but it is possible, and it can be the
best choice  for the people involved.

It is my sincere hope to be married to my sweetie my entire life,
and part of what makes that possible is that we do change and do
want different things as time goes on.  How boring to live with
someone who never changes, who never has needs of their own.
How disconcerting to have to live with a 25 year old when you're 50.
It is true that folks can change so drastically that you don't want
to have a relationship with them, but that doesn't mean that they will.

Speaking of lifelong committments ...
People make a lifelong committment to a person they haven't even
met when they decide to become parents.  The only thing they can
be sure of is that that person isn't going to stay the same for
very long and that for most of the front end part of the relationship
(like the first 20 years or so), meeting your needs is not going to
be high on that person's priority list.


K.A. Perkins
Newsgroups: alt.personals,alt.personals.ads