From: kapa@cbnewsc.cb.att.com (k.a.perkins)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Summary: what is a relationship in this context?
Date: 8 Apr 92 04:18:35 GMT
Followup-To: soc.couples
Distribution: na
Organization: AT&T

In article <75nG027bc0Nq00@amdahl.uts.amdahl.com>, jsp@uts.amdahl.com (James Preston) writes:
> rnjx@vax5.cit.cornell.edu writes:
> 
> }The question is this.  Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
> }try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
> }that you may start one with her/him?  Under what circumstances?  How about
> }pursuing someone who's engaged?  Where do you all draw the line?  If it isn't
> }O.K., would you still do it anyway?
> 
> No.  Unequivocally it is never, ever ok.  If you know that the other person
> is in a relationship, then you are scum if you lift one little finger to
> try to damage or break up that relationship.  Obviously, if you don't know 
> that a person is involved, you aren't doing anything bad by wooing someone
> whom you think is unattached.  But the second you find out otherwise, you'd
> better back off entirely.

I think this expresses the answers I have seen to this question
pretty well.  My question: what do the words "attached" and
"relationship" mean
in the above context?  Does it mean the people have dated?  How
many dates?  Does it mean that they have dated and you think they
will go out on a date again?  What if the person you are interested
in is dating more than one person?  Should you wait until s/he is
dating no one? Does relationship mean they are sleeping together or
that they have exchanged tokens of affection (rings, other jewelry,
house keys, car keys) ?
How can you tell if 2 people are sleeping together or not?  Does being
in a relationship mean that they spend a lot of time together?  How
much time is a lot?

Why does dating person X mean that you are unavailable to person A?
Aren't you turning dating into a mini-marriage if you make this
kind of restriction?

> None of that gives you the right to decide what's best for
> another person.
> But there is a big, big 
> difference between saying, "I think you're making a mistake here", and
> saying, "Drop this guy and come away with me because I love you more and
> I'm better for you."  The former is just giving your honest opinion; the
> latter is actively trying to entice the person away from the existing
> relationship and toward you.  And that makes you scum.
> 
> --James Preston

But what about saying, "I like you, too, and wanted you to know it."
and giving the other person that information to act on?  Not telling
them to leave the other person or telling them to do anything at all,
just letting them know that there are other possibilities.

What about becoming friends with a member of your preferred sex while
s/he is dating someone else, and then things lead to an increased
interest between the 2 of you, and a decreased interest (at least on
your friend's part) between the 2 of them?  Is that morally okay
because you 1) did it slowly 2) didn't start out with that intention
3) didn't start out with only that intention?

I'll come clean.  I met someone while one of my girlfriends was
interested in him and I was in a long distance relationship (2+ years
of dating, etc) with someone else.  It didn't take much to realize
that my girlfriend and this guy would never take it as a long term
relationship.  My LDR had been on the rocks for a long time, and this
guy was but one of the factors that helped me face that.  It never
occured to me to not trust him because his interest in my girlfriend
faded after he got to know me, and I don't think it occured to him
that I was a faithless slut because I broke off my LDR after I got
to know him.  (I just asked him.  Although it was 12 years ago, he
doesn't think he felt that way.)

Kate Perkins
Kate Perkins