From: mbfarah@isluga.puc.cl (MIGUEL BRAXTON FARAH)
Subject: HOLY GRIAL 02/05
Organization: Pontificia Universidad Catolica de Chile
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 12:31:36 GMT


-------------begin part 2---------------8<-----------8<-------------

                               ALL
       There are?  Tell up.  What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

                               BEDEVERE
       Tell me ...  what do you do with witches?

                               ALL
       Burn them.

                               BEDEVERE
       And what do you burn, apart from witches?

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       ... Wood?

                               BEDEVERE
       So why do witches burn?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
           (pianissimo)
       ... Because they're made of wood...?

                               BEDEVERE
       Good.

   PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

                               ALL
       I see.  Yes, of course.

                               BEDEVERE
       So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       Make a bridge out of her.

                               BEDEVERE
       Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

                               ALL
       Ah.  Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

                               BEDEVERE
       Does wood sink in water?

                               ALL
       No, no,  It floats.   Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To
       the pond.

                              BEDEVERE
       Wait.  Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

                               ALL
       Bread?  No, no, no.  Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

                               ARTHUR
       A duck.

   They all turn and look at ARTHUR.  BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

                               BEDEVERE
       Exactly.  So... logically ...

                               FIRST VILLAGER
           (beginning to pick up the thread)
       If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

                               BEDEVERE
       And therefore?

                               ALL
       A witch! ... A duck!  A duck!  Fetch a duck.

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

                               BEDEVERE
       We shall use my largest scales.

   He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of
   wood and rope and leather.  They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
   in another.  Each pan is supported by a wooden stave.  BEDEVERE checks
   each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

                               BEDEVERE
       Remove the supports.

   Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers.  The GIRL and the duck
   swing slightly but balance perfectly.

                               ALL
       A witch!  A witch!

                               WITCH
       It's a fair cop.

                               All
       Burn her!  Burn her!  Let's make her into a ladder.

   The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
   each other admiringly.

                               BEDEVERE
       Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

                               ARTHUR
       I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege ... forgive me ...

   ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.


                               ARTHUR
       Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
       and join our number at the Round Table?

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege,  I am honored.

   ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

                               ARTHUR
       What is your name?

                               BEDEVERE
       Bedevere, my Liege.

                               ARTHUR
       Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!


|6  VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION
|
|                               VOICE OVER
|       And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
|       the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
|       To sit at The Round Table ...
|
|   Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting
|   his Knights:
|
|   1.   ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
|        MIX TO:
|
|   2.   A castle.  LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
|        group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
|
|   3.   MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
|        down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
|        and approaching SIR HECTOR.  ARTHUR dubs him.
|
|   4.   MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
|        of buildings or whatever.  In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
|        the lute by one of his MUSICIANS.  ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
|        immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
|        join ARTHUR & CO.
|
|   5.   MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens.  He is wearing a carpenters
|        apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
|        We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
|        the hen-house and goes to join them.
|
|   6.   MIX TO the group riding along again.
|
|   7.   MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other
|        CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
|        castle, WIFE and CHILDREN.  The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
|        hanging outside it.  A real family castle.  There are at least
|        six kids.
|
|   8.   MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
|        GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
|        six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
+
+6  CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
+
+   THE BOOK OF THE FILM
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
+       but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Galahad the Pure ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
+
+   Hand turns Page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
+       and the aptly named ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
+       throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...
+
+   A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.
+
+   Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:


7  EXTERIOR - SUNSET

   Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
   at the front of the group deep in conversation.

                               BEDEVERE
       And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

                               ARTHUR
       This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how
       sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

                               BEDEVERE
       OF course, my Liege ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (he points)
       Look, my liege!

   They all stop and look.

                               ARTHUR
           (with thankful reverence)
       Camelot!

   CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance.  Illuminated in the rays of
   the setting sun.

   Music.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group.  They are all staring with fascination.

                               GALAHAD
       Camelot ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Camelot ...

                               GAWAIN
           (at the back, to PAGE)
       It's only a model.

                               ARTHUR
           (turning sharply)
       Sh!
           (to the rest)
       Knights!  I bid you welcome to your new home!  Let us ride ...
       to Camelot.
8  INTERIOR - NIGHT

   CUT TO interior of medieval hall.  A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
   engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
   'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number.  The poorer verses
   are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
   the described task while the line itself is sung.  They sing:

                               KNIGHTS
       We're knights of the round table
       We dance whene'er we're able
       We do routines and chorus scenes
       With footwork impeccable.
       We dine well here in Camelot
       We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

       We're knights of the Round Table
       Our shows are formidable
       But many times
       We're given rhymes
       That are quite unsingable
       We're opera mad in Camelot
       We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

   Booming basses.  A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
   armour producing a pleasing effect.

       In war we're tough and able.
       Quite indefatigable
       Between our quests
       We sequin vests
       And impersonate Clark Gable
       It's a busy life in Camelot.

                               SINGLE MAN
       I have to push the pram a lot.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

                               ARTHUR
       No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

                               KNIGHTS
       Right!

                               ARTHUR
       It is a silly place.

   They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance
   and strange heavenly choir music.  The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
   moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts.  ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
   fall on their knees.  A holy voice booms out.

                               GOD
       Arthur!  Arthur ...  King of the Britons ...

   They all prostrate themselves even further

       Oh, don't grovel ... do get up!  If there's one thing I can't stand,
       it's people grovelling!!

   ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

                               ARTHUR
       Sorry ...

                               GOD
       And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
       sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
       What are you doing now?

                               ARTHUR
       I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Well, don't.
|      I really don't know where all this got started.
       It's like those miserable psalms.  they're so depressing.
       Now knock it of

                               ARTHUR
       Yes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Right.  Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
       Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

                               ARTHUR
       Good idea, O Lord!

                               GOD
       Course it's a good idea.

   Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
   is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.

       Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
|      the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

   The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
   ... the KNIGHTS gasp.

       Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
       this Grail.

   It begins to fade.  Music crescendo as both lights fade.

       That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...

   It is gone.  All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment.  They
   all turn and look at ARTHUR.

                              LAUNCELOT
       A Blessing.  A blessing from the lord.

|                             BEDEVERE
|      Praise be to God!
|
|  An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We have a task,  we must waste no time! To Camelot!
|
+                              GALAHAD
+      God be praised!

   Stirring music crescendo.  They ride off.

   CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
   titles CUT TO:


9  EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

   MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach
   a terrific castle (a little one would do too).  They advance quite close to
   the castle and draw themselves into a line.  At a signal from ARTHUR the two
   PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

   A MAN appears on the battlements.  ARTHUR addresses him.

                               ARTHUR
       Hello.

                               MAN
       'Allo.  Whoo is eet?

                               ARTHUR
       I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
       Table.  Whose castle is this?

                               MAN
       This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

                               ARTHUR
       Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
       with a sacred quest,  and if he will give us food and shelter for
       this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

                               MAN
       Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
       He's already got one, you see?

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               GALAHAD
       He says they've already got one!

   They are stunned.

                               ARTHUR
       Are you sure he's got one?

                               MAN
       Oh yes.  It's very nice
+
+  CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+
+                              MAN
+      I told him we already got one.
+
+  They all giggle.
+

                              ARTHUR
       Well ... can we come up and have a look?

                               MAN
       Of course not!  You are English pigs.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, what are you then?

                               MAN
       I'm French.  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
       silly king.

                               GALAHAD
       What are you doing in England?

                               MAN
       Mind your own business.

                               ARTHUR
       If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

   Murmurs of assent.

                               MAN
       You don't frighten us, English pig-dog!  Go and boil your
       bottoms, son of a silly person.  I blow my nose on you, so-called
       Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

   He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

                               GALAHAD
       What a strange person.

                               ARTHUR
       Now look here, my good man!

                               MAN
       I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
       food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction.  You mother
       was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

                               GALAHAD
       Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

                               MAN
       No.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

                               ARTHUR
       Now this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonab...
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
+                              GUARD
+      Quoi?
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
   CUT BACK TO battlements.  A cow is led out of a stall.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

                               ARTHUR
       Now that is my final offer.  If you are not prepared to agree to my
       demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

   A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow
   lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      What a cruel thing to do.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (Choking back tears)
|      It hadn't even been milked.
|
                               ARTHUR
       Right! Knights! Forward!

   ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle.  Various shots of them battling on,
   despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

                               ARTHUR
           (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
       Knights!  Run away!

   Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd
   cow or goose hitting them still.  The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

                               LAUNCELOT
       The sods!  I'll tear them apart.

                               ARTHUR
           (restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
       No!

                               BEDEVERE
       I have a plan sir.

   CUT BACK TO battlements of castle.  FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
   towards the English lines.  Wind whistles.

   Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
   Emptiness.  Wind.  More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
|  As night falls.  MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
|  torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
|  woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

   During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
   followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

   CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous.  Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
   Nothing.  Wind.  Dawn still breaking.  Shots of the FRENCH.  They suddenly
   hear something.  A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

   CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland.  Squeaking getting louder.  Shot of
   the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing.  WIDE SHOT again.  The squeaking gets louder
   an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
   undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle.  The ENGLISH scuttle
   back into the undergrowth.  The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
   and a rather crudely written label,  which reads "Pour votres amis
   Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he
   turns and leaves battlements.

   CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes.  The main gate of the
   castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then another
   Froggie head,  then another.  They mutter to each other in French, look
   rather pleased,  then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

                               ARTHUR
       Now what happens?

                               BEDEVERE
       Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
       and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
       not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

                               ARTHUR
       Who ... Who breaks out?

                               BEDEVERE
       Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ...  leap out of the
       rabbit and ...

   LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

                               BEDEVERE
       Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

   ARTHUR cuffs him.  ARTHUR looks at the battlements.  There is a loud twang.
   Look of horror.  The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.


                               ARTHUR
       Run away!

   More shouts.

       Run away!

|                              SIR GAWAIN
|          (to his PAGE as they run away)
|      It's only a model.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sh!

   They continue to retreat.  The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
   (who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).


10  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

    CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle.  He speaks straight
    to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

    SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:  A Very Famous Historian.

                               HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
       Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
       King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
       completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
       was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
       to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
       knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
       individually.  Now, this is what they did.  No sooner...

    A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground.  He rides off.

    We stay for a moment on the glade.  A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
    twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
    HUSBAND.

                               MRS HISTORIAN
       FRANK!

    CUT TO animated frame,  with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
    Pleasant pastoral music.  MIX THROUGH TO:
+   VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"


11  EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

    A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
    his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts.  As we see them approach
    we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
    the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
    thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
    one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

    The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song,
    but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
    to have their effect ...

    SONG:

       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
       He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
       Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
       To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

       His head smashed in,  and his heart cut out,
       And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
       And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
       And his penis split ... and his ...

                               ROBIN
       Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
       It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

                               SINGERS
       Brave, Sir Rob ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.

   They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

       +------------------------------------------------------+
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       +------------------------------------------------------+
    +------------------------------------------------------------+
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    +------------------------------------------------------------+


12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree.  With their feet off the
   ground,  with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
   like a barbecue.

   Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe
   through their skulls.  They look timorous.

|  Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all
|  look fed up.  SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Morning.
|
|                              ONE LADY
|      Bye.
|
   SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
   terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
   enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

                               THREE HEADS
       Halt!  Who art thou?

                               SINGERS
       He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

                               ROBIN
           (to SINGERS)
       Shut up.  Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

                               THREE HEADS
       What do you want?

                               SINGERS
       To fight and ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.  Nothing really.  just to pass through, good Sir knight.

                               THREE HEADS
       I'm afraid not.
|      This is my bit of the forest.  Find your own bit.

                               ROBIN
       I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
|      I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

                               THREE HEADS
       You are a Knight of the Round Table?

                               ROBIN
       I am.

   From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shit.

                               FIRST HEAD
       In that case I shall have to kill you.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shall I?

                               THIRD HEAD
       Oh, I don't think so.

                               SECOND HEAD
       I'm not sure.

                               MIDDLE HEAD
           (to FIRST)
       What do I think?

                               LEFT HEAD
       I think kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm still not sure.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      All right.  How many of me think I should kill him?
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I do.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      One.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      That's not a quorum.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      It is if I'm the Chairman.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, it's not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm the Chairman this week.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      You're not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      To kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Yeah.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (tuts)
|      Oh, damn.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|         (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      With one absenting.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Sorry about this but I have to be fair.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Oh, that's all right.  So you are going to kill me with your big axe.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Er no, with my sword.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Dagger.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Mace is quicker.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      No, no, the sword, it's easier.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      He said axe.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
|      For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Yapping on all the time.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You snore.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, lies.  Anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|          (aspirating heavily)
|      I haven't.
|
|  Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      It's not my fault.  It's what you both eat.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Look, stop this bitching.  We've got a knight to kill.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      He's buggered off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      So he has.  He's scarpered.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      That's all your fault.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      No, it's not.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|          (swipes at himself)
|      Take that.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Ow.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I'm sorry.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      'Ere, stop it.  I'll teach you.
|
|  The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
|  argue and shout with pain.  We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
|  tree.  They are still very fed up.
|
|                              MAIDEN
|      I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.
|
|                              LOVELY
|      Chance would be a fine thing.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! let's be nice to him.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh shut up.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Perhaps I could ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh, cut your own head off.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes - do us all a favour.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      What?
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Yapping on all the time.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      What do you mean?
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You snore.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
+      and biscuits.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! not biscuits ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
+
+  WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      He's buggered off!
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      So he has! He's scarpered.


13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN.  The music is jolly and bright, as if
   triumphant.  ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

                               SINGERS
       Brave Sir Robin ran away.

                               ROBIN
       I didn't.

                               SINGERS
       Bravely ran away, away.

                               ROBIN
       No, no, no.

                               SINGERS
       When danger reared its ugly head,
       He bravely turned his tail and fled
       Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
       And gallantly he chickened out
       Bravely taking to his feet
       He beat a very brave retreat
       Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
       Petrified of being dead
       Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
       Turned away and fled.

   They disappear into distance.

   ANIMATION:  "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"


14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

   As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
   over slippery rocks.  Progress is hard.  He pauses and at this moment
   we hear the howling of wolves.  GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
   more urgently.  Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
   and falls heavily.  Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
   forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain.  More louder
   closer howling.  He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
   a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
   perhaps looking rather derelict.  He makes up his mind in an instant and
   stumbles manfully toward it.  More louder howling.  He reaches the
   forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
   handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while.  Pause.
   He beats again, shouting:

                               GALAHAD
       Open.  Open the doors.  In the name of King Arthur.  Open the doors.
|      I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
|
|  Some suitable noises are herd inside.
|
|      I am on a quest for the Holy Grail.  I seek shelter.

   Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
   drawn.  The wolves' howling is very close.  As the door creaks
   open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.
15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

   From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
   as the door crashes behind him.  GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
   fact he is trapped.

                               ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
       Hello!

   GALAHAD turns back.  We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
   smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
   around in the seductively poulticed room.  They look at him smilingly and
   wave.

                               GIRLIES
       Hello!

                               ZOOT
       Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

                               GALAHAD
       The Castle Anthrax?

                               ZOOT
       Yes.  It's not a very good name, is it?  But we are
       nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

                               GALAHAD
       Er ...
+      You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

                               ZOOT
       The what?  But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget!
       Crapper!

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
       Yes, O Zoot?

                               ZOOT
       Prepare a bed for our guest.

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
           (grovelling with delight)
       Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

                               ZOOT
       Away varletesses!
           (to GALAHAD)
       The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, look er, I ...

                               ZOOT
       What is your name, handsome knight?

                               GALAHAD
       Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

                               ZOOT
       Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
           (she is very close to him for a moment)
       But come.

   She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
   to the bedchamber

                               GALAHAD
       Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

                               ZOOT
       Sir Galahad!!

   There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

                               ZOOT
       You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

   GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS.  They are clearly on the verge of
   being offended.

                               GALAHAD
       Well ...

                               ZOOT
           (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
       I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
       to yours.  We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
       sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
       one to protect us.  Oooh.  It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
       dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

   They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
   ZOOT turns

                               ZOOT
       We are just not used to handsome knights ...
           (she notices him limping)
       But you are wounded!

                               GALAHAD
       No, It's nothing!

                               ZOOT
       You must see the doctors immediately.
            (she claps again)
       You must lie down.

   She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
   room.  They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically.  They
   approach GALAHAD.

                               PIGLET
       Well,  what seems to be the trouble?

                               GALAHAD
       They're doctors?

                               ZOOT
       They have a basic medical training, yes.  Now you must try to rest.
       Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet!  Practice your art!!

                               WINSTON
       Try to relax.

                               GALAHAD
       No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

                               PIGLET
       We must examine you.

                               GALAHAD
       There's nothing wrong with ... that.

                               PIGLET
           (slightly irritated)
       Please ... we are doctors.

   ZOOT reappears.  GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there is
   a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour.  WINSTON glances quickly
   in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
   bed and collecting his armour, saying:

                               GALAHAD
       No, no, this cannot be.   I am sworn to chastity!

                               PIGLET
       Back to your bed!  At once!

                               GALAHAD
       I'm sorry, I must go.
--------- end of part 2-------8<------8<--------------------------------------

--
MIGUEL FARAH F.         | Swirdy rd im zrmdsyhr rdvoyp | Vini, vidi, vi
mbfarah@isluga.puc.cl   | rm ytrd ofopzsd fogrtrmyrs u |
                        | oy od rmvtuqyrf. Frvuqjrt oy | E pluribus UNIX
#include <disclaimer.h> | smf upi eoaa hry im qtrzop.  |