From: andsol@is.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg)
Subject: alt.flame stereotypes
Organization: Rice University
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1992 21:33:35 GMT

There are a great many types of people posting to this newsgroup.  Can you
find yourself amongst these general descriptions?

CANONICAL LISTING OF ALT.FLAME STEREOTYPES

*The Newbie*

 Description: A clueless newcomer.  Frequently has no idea what this group
              is all about.  
 Comments:    The bread-and-butter of alt.flame.  Just about anybody can
              successfully flame a newbie.  They tend to squeak and whine
              in response to vicious attacks.  Sometimes they cry.
 Sample Post: "Hi!  I'm new to this group.  Would somebody please tell me
               the ground rules so I can join in the fun?"
 Pro's:       Easy targets.  Fun follow-ups.
 Con's:       Sometimes they stick around.

*The Young 'Un*

 Description: Infantile.  Learned the limits of his/her flaming ability
              in Junior High School.  Has sometimes been pithed.
 Comments:    Insists in engaging in 'dick-size' wars.  Tends to worship
              their elders-and-betters and will follow-up to just about
              anything.  Their sigs usually contain Bart Simpson.
 Sample Post: Elmer Q. Foobar (Dick-cheese!) writes:
               > "You don't know what you're talking about, spoo-breath!"
               "I know you are, but what am I???"
 Pro's:       Can easily be betrayed by viciously posting their hero-
              worshipping mail.  Usually fall for the 'misc.test' trick.
 Con's:       Will never, ever, leave.  Not even if they've been obliterated.

*The Doberman*

 Description: Vicious.  Will flame anybody for any reason.
 Comments:    Loves to post personal and embarrassing info from any source,
              no matter how nasty.  Would slash their best buddy's throat
              if they thought somebody would find it amusing.  Tend to lose
              friends easily.
 Sample Post: "Lefty, I don't take kindly to your remarks regarding my sexual
               prowess.  Now, instead of directly rebutting your comments, I
               will simply repost the following contributions you made this
               last week to alt.sex.rodents ......."
 Pro's:       Rarely boring.
 Con's:       Utterly and completely untrustworthy.

*The Loser*

 Description: Inept.  Thinks he's The Doberman.
 Comments:    Posts incessantly and inanely.  Almost never has anything useful
              to say.  Considers him/herself terribly clever, though, and will
              only rarely concede defeat.
 Sample Post: "How incredibly stupid you are.  Well, over in rec.mensa.genius,
               we have a saying: The penis mightier than the sword!  Ha! Get
               it?  Penis?  Pen Is?  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....."
 Pro's:       Pathetically laughable.  Laughably pathetic.  Fun targets.
 Con's:       Are responsible for about 75% of this group's bandwidth.

*The Punching Bag*
 
 Description: Masochistic.  Wants the Doberman to attack him.
 Comments:    Tries to present self as the best target possible to lure
              in a vicious attack.  In this capacity, serves a vital role
              on this group for stimulating vital new material.
 Sample Post: "This is a test.  Please ignore."  <Posted five times>
 Pro's:       Makes for good material.  Always friendly and cheerful.
 Con's:       More often than not is actually a Newbie.

*The Elder Gods*

 Description: Ancient, malevolent presences.
 Comments:    The Elder Gods started this group.  Now They are disappointed
              with its contents.  They hulk silently in their catacombs while
              clueless newcomers fill Their creation with crap and cascades.
              Beware, for one day They shall return.
 Sample Post: The Elder Gods do not post.  Occasionally They rear their heads
              and swat an impudent upstart, however.  This event is usually
              accompanied by earthquakes and typhoons.
 Pro's:       When They manifest, it is worthwhile being there to watch.  From
              a safe distance, of course.
 Con's:       Nobody is safe.

*The Parrot*

 Description: Larval stage of the Newbie.  Repeats everything.
 Comments:    Underevolved.  Useless.  DESTROY AT ONCE.
 Sample Post: OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE
              OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE
              OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE
              OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE OGGLE
              ...........................................................
 Pro's:       None.
 Con's:       Ignorant of the true nature of flaming.  Knows too little to
              be dangerous, but just enough to be annoying.  Refuses to
              stop doing things that are irritating instead of aggravating.
              Will never stop.  DESTROY AT ONCE.

*The Mad Scientist*

 Description: Cross-over from talk.bizarre.  Truly strange.
 Comments:    Tries for maximum creativity instead of maximum aggravation.
              Posts some really nutty stuff.
 Sample Post: "Bill Q. Foobar swims happily in the sea of his birth.  A giant
               of the ocean, he knows no fear, not even as the shadow of the
               boat closes in.  Then -- PAIN! as the harpoon penetrates his
               thick, blubbery hide!  He writhes and tugs, but the cables 
               inexorably pull him in!  As a crimson flood spills from his
               blowhole, Bill sees the tiny men descend upon him with their
               sharp, sharp knives......."
 Pro's:       Usually interesting.
 Con's:       Endangered Species.

*The Sailor*

 Description: Swearing is everything.  Let the foullest mouth win.
 Comments:    Typically unimaginative, but has a fine repertoire of good
              one-liners.  DO NOT attack The Sailor if you are sensitive
              about your mother.
 Sample Post: "If you would kindly remove your pus-encrusted gob from your
               bleeding, bifurcated rectum, you might well fucking notice
               that the unbearable stench of your suppurating testicles
               has repelled any companions that your limp-wristed, ass-
               kissing attitude might have attracted.  You are a noxious
               brown streak in the shorts of humanity."
 Pro's:       You could learn something.
 Con's:       In a duel, it is difficult to determine a clear winner.

*The Psychopath*

 Description: Violent.  Dangerous.  DO NOT GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
 Comments:    Masquerades as one of the other categories.  However, he/she
              will always take anything personally, and will take steps to
              ensure you regret it. "He was always so quiet...."
 Sample Post: "Dear Mr. Foobar: I found some of your remarks in your flame
               compelling.  I would like to meet with your to discuss some
               of their merits....."
 Pro's:       Sometimes throws entertaining temper tantrums.
 Con's:       May call your System Administrator.


All I can think of for now.  Others?

-- 
Andrew Solberg          |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!" 
Undying University Mooch|              Anon. Outraged British Woman
andsol@owlnet.rice.edu  |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
Phone:713-529-8627      |              Winston Churchill