HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: Falling off the edge ...... plink!
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 20:20:05 GMT

Nancy Agnew (sasnla@shadow.unx.sas.com) wrote:

: In article <BvKM1x.Mr8@twwells.com>, anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m) writes:
: >
: >That's the issue.  Simon & Garfunkel's song "I am a rock, I am an Island" was
: >my theme song for years.  I am so tempted to go back, but if I do Michael
: >will die, but if I don't it'll hurt so bad I'll die anyway!!!
: 
: oh, me too, me too.  I used that song from the first day I heard it.
: I thought it was how things were supposed to be.....

          But maybe it would be a beautiful thing  to  ...  find  out
          what  it  is  again  to  be  dependent  upon people and how
          beautiful it is to be able to say to someone "I need  you."
          We  think  to  be  a grownup we must be independent and not
          need anyone ...  and that's why we're dying of  loneliness.
          How  wonderful  to be needed!  And how great to need and to
          be able to say to someone, "I need." I have no hangup about
          saying I need all of you, every single one of you.

                            -- Leo F. Buscaglia, Ph.D,
                              "Living, Loving, & Learning"
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
From: anon-1236@twwells.com (The Peaceful Warrior)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Test
Date: 5 Oct 92 17:42:36 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Sorry, This is a test.



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: a reason???
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 21:43:13 GMT

 (SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu) wrote:

: I don't care, and it doesn't matter anyway, so why bother???

Of *course* it matters - else, why are you here?  Consider the effect you
have on others.  Certainly you have brightened my day a time or two, and
certainly many otehrs here, too!  (And certainly Jon's! [grin])... :)

: I can just feel the people who know me and read asar starting to worry... I
: suppose I could just keep telling you everything is okay, but why bother??
: It takes too much energy anyway.

Indeed, why bother?  We *know* it isn't...  Would a *HUG* help??? :)
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery,alt.sex.bondage,alt.personals,alt.personals.ads,alt.personals.bondage,alt.personals.poly,alt.polyamory
From: noring@netcom.com (Jon Noring)
Subject: Re: Important ACS update (godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu)
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 00:27:20 GMT

In article Karl_Kleinpaste@cs.cmu.edu writes:
>In response to the observed TestPost:RealPost ratio which has been
>close to 30% lately, as well as to the pleas from people inhabiting
>the supported-for-anon-posting groups...

May I suggest the creation of a special alt.* newsgroup where people could
test post from this service.  To avoid the word 'test' in the newsgroup
name, the group could be called, for example only, alt.godiva.trial.

Just a suggestion to come to a solution to this dilemma.

Jon Noring

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Subject: Re: I can't post about me but....
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1992 06:43:00 GMT

In article <BvJ3tx.Fwp@twwells.com> anon-1016@twwells.com (Prisoner) writes:
>Susan N. Dunbar writes:
>: In article <BvGzJ3.318@twwells.com> anon-1016@twwells.com (Prisoner) writes:
>:
>: >I can't post about me but I can post about the latest verbal
>: >violence. Maybe if I post on things relatively neutral I'll get
>: >back to my own stuff....
>:
>: and pray tell why can you not post about your own stuff ... you can be
>: anonymous as you have so often told us?  I am confused by your
>: comments!
>
>How to answer. In a nutshell: I can't post about my stuff because
>I am *not* anonymous, even though I still use my anonymous id and
>name. Beyond that, I won't say anything because I would only be
>being bitter and angry towards some members of this group and I
>don't know any acceptable way to express that.
[...]

I havn't read all of prisoner's early posts, but I have been reading
the group for over a year.  Prisoner is being very restrained, and
putting considerable thought/feeling into what he writes.  Knowing
some of the issues he is grappling with, I have tremendous respect for
him as an individual, I explicitly make no comment as to history.


Gavin
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From: anon-1013@twwells.com
Subject: Specialness
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1992 16:46:13 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Adam, Robert,

I've only posted a handful of times in a year, but this thread about
specialness really struck a chord in me. For 18 years or so, I thought
that I was the only one my perp (my grandfather) had molested. I had told
close friends what happened to me, but I never told anyone in my family.
Finally, a couple of months ago, I told my mother. And guess what I
found out? He did it to both of his daughters, 2 out of his 3
granddaughters, some of his sons' dates ....
Talk about a revelation! _I_ was nothing special to him. I was just one
more like all the rest. He clearly viewed girls as nothings, put on earth
for his use. He deserves no love and even less respect. All these years,
of course I've wondered if it was something I did - some signal that I gave
off - that made him do things to me. Now I _really_ know that it wasn't
anything that I did. It wasn't my fault. It was all him.

I don't know if this fits with the ideas you were talking about, but
I just wanted to tell someone who would understand.

Lions and Tigers



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: tarjan@iastate.edu (Scot H Kight)
Subject: Re: confused
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, IA
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 05:28:12 GMT

In article <BvBHwC.4q0@twwells.com> anon-1254@twwells.com writes:
>This is a little strange for me.
> 
>I just feel really confused lately, the feeling like I can't get my act
>together at all.  My classes just feel too much but I know they aren't.
>It's that drowning feeling with no way out.  Confused about a whole bunch of
>things, friends, parents, brothers, classes, therapy and generally life.
>
>I know that it will end because it has in the past but when, now...
>The three weeks that I have been back at school are just a blur I can't seem
>to remember any of it.  Some faces, some names but they don't always match.
>My dreams, they are about the only clear things I remember.  Those which
>I would choose to forget.
>
>I wish there was a book I could just leaf through and it could tell me what
> I am doing here, at school, in this life.  
>
>Does anyone ever get this confused?  How do you break it?  And I wonder if 
>I want to break it because what I have been doing has probably been a waste of 
>time and it would only make me angry.
>
>Thanks.
>S

I used to be confused..  hurt and confused. During my childhood when my parents
were getting divorced, my family did a denial thing on me, Everyone denied
what was happining and everyone hated each other. I didn't know what to do,
and in school it was apparent, I withdrew into myself and stayed alone
no one really paid me much attention and I just got more inverted...

Then I just really broke.. All the people I knew either didnt know I existed
or just picked on me, My parents had fights through me and I started to get
bad grades in school.. My life was hell..

But I started thinking.. and all of a sudden one day I found my SO.. 
And we had a couple problems (see Alt.sex.wizards I dont feel like reposting 
my message... To make a long story short my SO was raped and ...) But
she taught me alot of patience, I figured out the only thing that we are here
on this earth is to make it better for us and our children.

Thak sounds kinda like some Environmentalist.. but it isn't. all it means is
go out and have fun! BE HAPPY .. It may be hard work to get happy but you
WILL get there.. And You can get through the confusion, You might say I 
got through it because of the love I feel for my SO but everything was right
there all along, Its in you.. Just go and do it..

tarjan
From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Formal Hello
Date: 28 Sep 92 15:16:32 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

Hi Peter,
	Yes I know too well what you're tsying regarding an 'intellectual'
approach to healing.  My word for it is 'analytical' but it sounds like
the same thing.  I can analyze my feelings all day long but it takes a 
whole lot of work and a whole lot of safety to feel them.
	I was sexually abused by a male teacher(s) (I'm positive of one,
reasonably sure of 2 others) at an all boys  boarding school, over a one 
year period.  After the first time I was told "If you tell anyone, they will
all know you're a homo".   Yes I know the feelings of shame.  Last thursday
we did an exercise in a self-defense class I'm taking that helped me be aware
of just how much shame & anger I'm still carrying around :(.  
	
Fare Well :)
Mike Stoughton



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Subject: Re: lost the message
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1992 20:48:57 GMT

In article <BvppB5.K4z.2@cs.cmu.edu> anonymus+845@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu writes:
>can someone help me?  I was reading a post where
>someone was talking about going to a Bradshaw
>workshop- and was up to the point where they
>were telling about the things they like about
>the workshop- when I was interupted and accidently
>quite - that was the last article and I never got
>to finish it- would someone send it to me?
>
>Thank you

If you were using "rn" on a UNIX system, then you can use shift-n
(grrrr... "memory parity error" either that or ctrl-n) to get back to
the previous article, once you get back to asar.  type "h" at the
prompt for help.


Gavin
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From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Falling off the edge ...... plink!
Date: 4 Oct 92 00:15:30 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

I feel so lonely ... My best friend asked me to help build a wall, protecting
her from the rest of the world for 10 days.  So I did.  Now I feel totally
alone and abandoned.  

I spent so much time alone and lonely and isolated as teenager.  It hurt so 
badly.  Michael is hurting so badly right now.  If I could cry tears would
be streaming down my face.  Instead I collect them in my heart.  Drowning
out my feelings.  Drowning Michael.

I try so hard to reach out and try to tell someone.  Instead of reaching out to
me they tell me they want to build a wall to isolate themselves further from
me >> so what do I do (exreme irony!!!)?

	I HELP THEM BUILD THE FUCKING WALL !!!

WHY WHY WHY WHY ???

-> Cause if I scream  NOOOOO!!! I need you to hear me!  They might still say
no & that will hurt so bad I'll die.

That's the issue.  Simon & Garfunkel's song "I am a rock, I am an Island" was
my theme song for years.  I am so tempted to go back, but if I do Michael
will die, but if I don't it'll hurt so bad I'll die anyway!!!

Why the fuck can't anybody care about me??!?!
Why won't they show me ?!?!?!

WHY CAN'T I FEEL IT ?

Michael

ps I could sure use a hug 



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From: erc@Apple.COM (Ed Carp)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Karla Alwan
Date: 29 Sep 92 06:38:42 GMT
Organization: Bleeding Edge Technologies - 'Sliding Down The Razor Blade Of Life...'

Karla will be missed by all of us.  :(

Reminds me of a quote I came across several years ago - I'd appreciate it
if someone could send me the quote in it's entirety along with the author,
I'd greatly appreciate it...

Men endure mock funerals, and lengthy obituaries, while they stand looking
out the window, in some new and wonderful disguise.

...for those of us who believe in our hearts that Karla *will* be back --
not as "Karla", but with her same spirit...
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/269-8125
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"
From: cryst@belay (Crystal Bell)
Subject: Testing
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
        Hi, i'm trying to see if this gets off our system.... 
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 23:08:17 GMT

can someone please try sending me a reply just so I know.
(Preferable someone not from Calgary.)
                                        **Crystal**


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: larry@bradley.bradley.edu (L. D. Stratton)
Subject: Re: Adult Male Recovery
Organization: Bradley University
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 17:24:17 GMT

In <1992Sep30.155631.18169@reed.edu> bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney) writes:
>Adam -
>     Odd, but I was just writing this morning about that feeling of
>"specialness".  Not only did I feel special for the attention (despite
>how horrible it was), but I used it as a source of self-esteem.  That
>I was singled out for their "special" attention.  Bleh.  One other thing
>I realized is that I also use it as a source of denial!  I look in the
>mirror and think "I'm not so special", therefore it couldn't have
>happened.  There's a lot of conflict I still have to sort through.

   Robert and Adam,
     Boy, do I identify with that sense of "special".  But, unlike you
     Robert, I never thought of the abuse as horrible.  I felt deceived,
     I felt used, but that didn't come until I was away from home and
     started to resolve the experience.  Fortunately, there was no physical
     abuse.

     I think I had a major variation though.  It was this feeling of being
     special, a different kind of special, that pulled me through.  I never
     repressed what happened.  I never forgot about what happened.  I'm 
     too damned 'special' to think that it was my fault, too damned 
     'special' to deny what happened and too damn 'special' to hate my
     father.  He did, however, deserve my pity. 

     ld
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Falling off the edge ...... plink!
Date: 5 Oct 92 12:18:59 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

>
>ps I could sure use a hug 



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           #

Erin Sue
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: great sadness
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1992 18:59:26 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

In article <4OCT199211284333@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov> aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline) writes:
[...]
>I agree with you.  Some people don't have the comfort level to read it, I 
>know.  But one of the thoughts in CTH that I *really* liked was talking 
>about intimacy.  

>                 One of the survivors quoted said that they thought the 
>ultimate intimacy was when you were willing to angry with someone without 
>thinking that would destroy your friendship and love.

I agree that this is very important.

This was absent in my relationship to my (soon to be) ex-wife.

I think/feel it is one of the essential ingredients for a successful
mariage.  Though I'm still scared at getting angry at the very special
woman I love now (my second longest emotional relatioship).  Not
helped by her living in another city!


[...]
>
>Exactly.  Loving each other does not mean always seeing eye to eye.  And 
>*all* of us IMHO must be willing to see when others disagree with us and 
>try to find out why.  If for some reason we're misunderstood, we need to 
>clear up the misunderstanding.

I feel these points are so good, I just want to emphasise them.  I
think they stand by themselves, regardless of context, and the context
I omitted was very appropiate.


[...]
>
>Gentleness to all
>-- Teresa
>
>		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!


A .sig well worth qyoting!


Gavin
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: walner@tramp.Colorado.EDU (Shimon Walner)
Subject: Re: Thanks; ramblings
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 20:05:11 GMT

Nancy, in a post that thrilled me, wrote (deletions signified by "..."):
>
>...
>I had to admit that I was abused and that it mattered.  Oh, yeah, I
>could admit the physical acts that happened to me, but I wavered a lot
>when it came to calling it abuse (cause it only happened to me, not
>to anyone that mattered) and I really and truly kept believing it
>didn't matter...
>And I couldn't find that out without a lot of talking, writing, and
>reminding myself that what happened was abuse.  I wish I could say that
>I can always keep this in mind these days, but I can't.  I still have
>times (two or three days at a time) when I slam down my barriers again
>and say it wasn't abuse, it didn't matter, and I'm making too much
>out of nothing.  Fortunately, my support friends, therapist, and SO
>are consistent at saying "I can't change what you believe, but *I*
>believe it was abuse, and it mattered and you're not making too much
>out of it".  That consistent belief from them helps me get back on 
>track.
>

This is so familiar to me, as I'm sure it is to many.

>One of the ways I visualized...
>
Quite creative.  As I think you know from my earlier posts, I'm
a strong believer in using visualization to facilitate internal
communication like this.

>
>...
>Nothing works 100% of the time, though.  Variety is a helpful component
>of this process.
>
>sorry to babble on so long.  lots of luck to all

Nancy, thanks for this great post.  Please babble at will!

Shimon "Hineni" Walner