From: dmac@julia.math.ucla.edu (saki)
Subject: Re: Sleep Question/Ferberizing 
Organization: UCLA Mathematics Department
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 93 00:37:54 GMT

In article <1993Jan5.211444.21606@cbnews.cb.att.com> klj@cbnews.cb.att.com (karen.l.carr) writes:
>
>What I would like to know is the following:  are there parents out there
>who had a child that woke up during the night and had problems with putting
>the child down without helping the baby to go to sleep?  If you do exist
>and you consciously decided NOT to use the Ferber method, did your child
>learn to go to sleep on his/her own and learn to put her/himself back to
>sleep in the middle of the night (resulting in "sleeping through the
>night")?  If your child did learn, about at what age?

I respect those who find that Ferberizing is their avenue of choice.
It's not mine. I personally made the choice that progressively teaching
the child to sleep on its own by letting it cry was not for me. Nor for
my son, who is now 13 months.

Malcolm has pretty much learned to sleep through the night on his own,
in his own time. It's a longer period than many parents would enjoy;
he didn't start predictably sleeping through the night till 10 months.
But before that, from about 4 months to 10, he woke only once a night,
nursed, and drifted off again. I know the books don't recommend this,
but I had no objection to waking once a night for what I considered to
be special, treasured contact. I work, too, and am a fulltime grad
student as well. For me it was actually a plus to spend a few half-
waking moments with the boy when the rest of the world slumbered.
Under normal conditions both Malcolm and I could readily drift off
again in our separate rooms. My husband was rarely awakened by the
baby's cries during the first year, so it didn't disturb him.

Occasionally Malcolm awakens during the night once, even now. For
some reason---perhaps the fact that Malcolm is weaning himself
from nursing---he now responds better to soothing from my husband
rather than from me, and this second year my husband is the one
who gets up and pats Malcolm's back, rubs his head, cuddles him
if the nightmare is particularly bad. Almost without fail this
sends Malcolm back to slumberland within 10-15 minutes. Even with
this care it's hard for me to listen to the baby's cries, but I
try to calm myself with reminders that it's worked before.

Periods of colds or ear infections mean all bets are off. Malcolm
just went through one of these a few weeks ago and woke one or
two times a night; either my husband or I would respond and pat,
rub, or comfort the boy as needed. Within a few weeks things seem
back to normal, i.e., sleeping through the night.

Crying is a signal. I don't think the baby does it to "manipulate"
me or anyone else. He needs something. It's natural to hunger for
comfort when something disturbs you. I tend to follow the Penelope
Leach theories that the middle ground is best---something between
full Ferberization and completely waking the kid up to distract
him from the horrors of sleep. I can't help but feel that the
more secure the baby is---secure in the knowledge that someone
will come, albeit briefly sometimes, to let him know he's not
alone---the more he'll feel safe enough to learn to sleep on
his own, and to settle himself by himself. It works for us. For
extremely fussy/colicky/needy babies, other theories may work
better; and certainly for parents whose sleep needs are more
profound than mine, the trick of letting the baby cry it out
may be the only solution. 
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