From: Z57N000 <Z57N@UNB.CA>
Subject: Falling off the Sears Tower (regarding the long night post)
Organization: The University of New Brunswick
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 21:25:43 GMT

In article <Bt84uC.EAz@twwells.com> anon-1016@twwells.com (Prisoner) writes:
>By the time I got up there and we met, I had been driving for
>about the past 24 hours (I couldn't take the scooter on the Maine
>turnpike and that added lots of hours) and had been up for some
>twelve hours before that. As you might imagine, I was seriously
>tired by that time. The point of this is that my memories of then
>are very hazy due both to physical and emotional stress. In
>particular, I can't tell you times and durations, except maybe
>"long", "short", etc. Another point is that I was not anywhere
>near as aware as I ought to have been.
>
That wasn't evident, at least not at the time. But then again, neither
of us were particularly 100% togetherness. I can only remember
clearly because I am forcing myself to remember clearly. When the flame
has died down, it will return to the velvet fog.

>We spent a lot of time that evening being physically close and
>talking. I don't at all recall the progression from touching to
>intimacy to sex. What I remember of that time says that she was
>feeling good about things, or at least she said that she was. It
>had been my understanding that she would tell me if there was
>something wrong so long as she didn't freeze up so I paid a lot
>of attention to keeping her talking about what we were doing and
>seeing that she was staying in the here and now.
>
I recall the progression, but in that vein all I have to add is that
sexual contact began to subtly blend with the safer touching, and
balance became sexual/safe as opposed to safe/sexual very very
quickly. For a while, I did not know what was appropriate and what
was not. Staying in the here and now, for me, meant ignoring all of
the flashing red lights and alarm signals that were screaming,
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS WITH A MARRIED MAN!!!!!!!"

>She wrote of saying that she wanted to save herself for someone
>else. I don't recall that conversation too well but what I do
>remember had her saying that she had expected that her first would
>be with some other particular person. I did not get the sense of
>"saving herself" for him but rather that she had thought of the
>possibility as doing something good for the other person. I
>recall saying that this was a good thing since she cared a lot
>for that person. I also recall that one of the reasons we agreed
>to keep this off the net was that we didn't want to upset that
>person.

Misinterpretation -- I *did* want to save myself for that person.
I have a girlfriend now, and my greatest regret is that when she
and I are both ready for sex, (which probably will not be for some
time), I will not have been hers and hers alone. (She was not whom
I had originally expected to be giving myself to, but hey.)

>The thing she reported as my saying that she wasn't a virgin
>anyway so this wouldn't matter I don't recall. It sounds odd for
>me though; I don't think virginity, of either the actual or
>symbolic kind, is important. If I were to have said something
>along those lines, it would have been that her virginity or
>nonvirginity ought not to make any difference along with saying
>that her previous experiences ought not, either. I don't know
>that I said that. I might have, though.
>
You did.

>One thing I remember is this: at one point fairly early that
>evening, I said that I had managed to separate my need for
>intimacy from a desire for sex. That was true as far as it went

WHEN?!?!?!?!?

>but there were two things that I didn't think of then. One was
>that even though I knew the difference, it was still true that
>sex is a kind of intimacy. The other is that whatever I had
>managed, she hadn't. What I mean by that is that I hadn't
>considered when I said that whether she would understand and be
>able to act on the understanding that whatever my needs for
>intimacy were that sex wasn't the only way to meet them. I do
>recall thinking at one point that her willingness to have sex came
>from her trying to do something about my need for intimacy and
>that therefore I had used her for this. I don't remember if this
>was before or after; it is my fear that it was before and my mind
>won't let me remember.
>
I can recall you specifically saying that, out of your need for
intimacy, you felt that you needed to engage in that particular
activity. *sigh*

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Darella Cassandra Pierson ("RELKIE") -- aka Beverley

"You'd be surprised what you can get used to when your only other choice
is HOUSTON!!!!"

Steve Taylor (Chagall Guevara) -- "TAKE ME BACK TO LOVE CANAL"
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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery