From: nergis@athena.mit.edu (Nergis Mavalvala)
Subject: To marry (Indian) or not?
Organization: Massachvsetts Institvte of Technology
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 22:47:20 GMT


Im sorry I've lost track of who said what in the quotes below,
but I could'nt let this one slide  by :)

>> (Total side note:  This may well be a reason more liberated Indian
>> women don't date Indian guys....they have given up all right to them
>> by traditional rules...and they never know whether the next Indian guy
>> they meet will be shocked and horrified to find out that they've dated
>> Americans.  It's easier to avoid Indian guys altogether.)


In my opinion, and in that of most of my friends-- the Indian/Pak women
we know who choose not to date/marry Indian men mainly make this choice
because they have been burned more than once by the "typical" 
sub-continental mans attitude about women which goes something like this:
"women are paratha-making, baby-growing machines that exist solely 
for a man's comfort and convenience"
Ok - I can see your collective hackles rising, but before you get your
blow torches out, let me clarify the above statement by saying that
obviously, ones choice of partner rests mainly on personal factors -
how you get along with that individual, regardless of nationality etc
and that most sub-continental men would display a mere fraction of
the extreme sexist sentiment in my above example. As it happens,
even a "mere fraction" is considered intolerable by many women...

I fully recognise that there are MANY wonderful non-sexist non-racist
non-everything-taboo subcontinental men who are not threatened by their
friends/wives success and achievements and who respect them as people
in their own right...well, I like to think that there are a FEW atleast...
:)  :)  BUT, the women I know who have actively chosen not to date 
Indian men just havnt found them. 

However, most Indian women I know havnt directly made that an active
decision -- they just sort of never seem to find Indian men who
they can relate to (despite the huge advantage that cultural 
commonality brings) and so date/marry internationally and 
inter-racially. 

I think the reason for this is that when II women (to use Manish's
somewhat questionable but convenient categorization) choose
to leave their home country, they have everything to gain
(in social terms) while when II men leave, they have every thing
to lose. 

Going abroad (especially for higher education) equalizes the 
social field in a lot of ways -- and so women gain more 
economic and social opportunites,  more freedom, more
INDEPENDENCE. Conversely, men who go abroad lose a lot 
of the leverage they previously had in the totally male
-centric -dominated home society,  and the independence
is often unwelcome because it means added responsibility 
that they are often not prepared to deal with (eg having
to do one's own laundry and cleannig to finding a 
good job without any of "daddy's contacts" to help 
out) 

This is often why the hapless II male responds by getting 
MORE conservative in his attitudes -- which explains
why a lot of indian men settle down with a "nice Indian
girl" (usually imported from the Motherland)
see the perfect example below --
>
>You would be surprised to know that after dating American, Indian as well
>as girls/women of other nationalities, I finally ended up marrying
>an INDIAN girl from INDIA, just a few months back !

(Please note that I am NOT trying to critisize the author of the
quote above in any way !)

For II men living abroad, even ones who date non-Indians extensively, theres
 lot of mental comfort and a lot less "risk" in marrying an 
Indian woman. Your family is the one place where you can continue
 the familiar social order of your childhood,  - the place where 
you are the undisputed "king"  - the place where you can forget about 
that annoying bitch of a woman who happens to be your boss at work :)
(no, im not trying to claim that the U.S, or any country for that matter
is free of sexism and glass celings, just that a female boss would be 
more common here than in India where women managers are 
virtually non-existent)

On the other hand, II women living abroad are happy to
be higher "risk-takers" -
(after all, they havnt much to lose, job and personal opportunities
can only get better in light of the oppressive circumstances
back home, and not much (beyond finding a good husband)
was expected of them anyway, right?)
- which is why they are often more willing to sacrifice 
the cultural component in making their choice
of partners in exchange for an "equal opportunity relationship". 

>I don't think to avoid Indian guys altogether is a good idea. You never
>know the next Indian guy may be the guy of your dreams ...

So much for my $0.02 worth of social analysis -- the real issue 
is that people should, and do, date/marry/live with other people
that they feel the most comfortable with  - and while it seems
silly to say "I'll never date an Indian man" or "hold on, the
(Indian) man/woman of your dreams (nightmares?) is right around
the corner", people do make these decisions because its a human
tendency to evaluate the tradeoffs, factor in past experiences
and reach sometimes limiting conclusions.

- Preeti

pghol@ctp.com - DONT reply to the address in the header.