Newsgroups: soc.culture.jewish
Subject: A MegaByte Of Torah I,II Teves
From: ToraByte Int'l <CFRQC@CUNYVM.BITNET>
Date: Sunday, 10 Jan 1993 23:17:07 EST
Organization: City University of New York/ University Computer Center

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                                     A                                   BS"D
   Volume I                   M E G A B Y T E       The Electronic
     Issue II                       O F                 Torah Monthly
                                 T O R A H
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 ----                    Editor : Zev S. Itzkowitz                       ----
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                             Inyan of the Month
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  One of the most famous precepts of the Ten Commandments (1) is 'Honor your
father and your mother'(2). In addition, the Bible tells us that every person
should 'revere his mother and father' (3). Aren't these simply two versions
of the same thing? No. Honor and reverence are not the same thing; in fact,
they refer to two different aspects of the way one should deal with one's
parents. Honor is what one should do for one's parents, whereas reverence is
what one should not do towards one's parents (4).

  How is one supposed to honor a parent? One should provide food and drink for
a parent, clothe and help them wherever they might go (5). Most importantly,
when attending and caring for a parent, one should serve with a happy face
(6), and have in mind the best interest of the parent (7). However, unless the
parent is poor and is not monetarily self-sufficient, one's obligation of
providing food, etc., is only from the parent's expenses and not from one's
own (8). However, if the parent is not monetarily self-sufficient, then it is
incumbant upon the children to provide what they can (9) from their own
pockets for their parent (10). In addition, one should stand up for a parent
when they enter a room, because standing is a sign of respect (11).

  How does one show reverence towards a parent? One should not sit in their
seat or stand in their set place, contradict what they say, or call them by
their first name whether or not they are presently alive (12). However, how
could one argue or disagree with a parent? If a friend has the same name as
one's parents, would one be allowed to call that person by his/her name?
  Disagreeing with a parent can be done in certain situations, but needs to
be done diplomatically and respectfully. One may disagree with a parent if it
is in a pedagogical context (13). One may also disagree with a parent if the
parent invites their child's own opinion (14). In addition, one may openly
disagree with one's parent if they are not present (15). However, to
arbitrarily voice one's objections is considered disrespectful. Rather, one
should interject and present one's opinion to one's parent in a dialogue
fashion, until the parent understands the child's position (16).
  There are many times when a friend has the same name as a parent. However,
there are all types of names. If a parent has an uncommon name, one should not
call one's friend by that same name. This is because people will think that
one is calling one's parent by his/her first name, which is disrespectful
(17). However, a name that is common for people to be called, one can call
one's friend by that name even in front of one's parent (18).

  To what extent must one's parents be honored? They must be treated with at
least the same respect as Hashem, for they are partners with Hashem in
creation of a human being (19). Furthermore, there are those who hold that
parents should be treated with even more honor, respect and reverence than
Hashem (20). However, if a parent requests something that goes against one of
the Commandments, then one must listen to Hashem over one's parent, as both
the child and their parents are commanded by Hashem (21).
  What are some examples of how far parents should be respected? If a parent
throws their own wallet into the river, one should not embarrass and dishonor
their parent, by yelling at them or demeaning them in some way (22). If a
parent shames their child in public, even by spitting in their eye (23) or by
tearing their clothes off (24), one should not demean one's parent (24a).

  Just because a parent passes away, one's obligation to honor and revere a
parent is not abrogated (25). Thus, if one quotes something that the parent
said, one should quote it in one's parent's name (26). In addition, when
speaking about or referring to a deceased parent, one should refer to them as
'my parent of blessed memory' (27). As well, if one hear's of the death of a
parent, then one is obligated to tear one's clothes (28) even if one heard
about their parent's demise twelve months after the fact (29).

  One's obligation of honor and reverence is not limited to just one's
parents. It is extended to one's in-laws (30), step-parents (31), grandparents
(32), and even to a firstborn brother (33).

  However, a parent should not be overly demanding of one's children, for it
is very easy to cause one's child to blunder and not give the proper respect
and reverence due to a parent (34). Thus one should not hit one's child (35)
past a certain age (36).

  May we strive to properly give our parents the honor, reverence and respect
that they deserve.


                               E N D N O T E S
                               ---------------

(1) The Ten Commandments is actually a misnomer. A more acurate description
would be the Ten Sayings, the Ten Things or the Ten Categories.
(2) Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16.
(3) Leviticus 19:3.
(4) cf. Tractate Kiddushin 31b, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:8.
(5) Tractate Kiddushin 31b.
(6) Tractate Kiddushin 31b, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:4, Aruch HaShulchan
Yoreh De'ah 240:17. The main idea is to be as gentle as possible when dealing
with a parent. Thus, if one serves with a dourly face, it takes away from the
gentleness and tenderness that one is supposed to have when dealing with a
parent.
(7) Rama Yoreh De'ah 240:4, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:17. Therefore,
if one needs to be slightly tougher with a parent so that one can save them
from an even worse predicament, one is allowed to. However, it must truly be
performed with the best interests and purest intentions in mind.
(8) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:5, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:17-18.
(9) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:5, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:18-20, Rama Yoreh De'ah 240:5. If a person has more
than one child, support for the parent should come from an amalgamation of
all the children. The wealthier children should provide more than their less
wealthy siblings. However, one still isn't obligated to donate towards one's
parent more than the amount that one gives to charity. Thus, if one has money,
but can't provide more than a certain amount for one's parent, one should take
off from work to show respect for one's parent's body (see note 10).
(10) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:5, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:18-20. One is not obligated to beg for support of
one's parent, if one does not have the money to support one's parent. This is
because it will cause a financial loss and strain due to taking time off from
work, which will prevent him from supporting one's own family first (see note
9).
(11) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:7, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:24. In addition, people should stand up for anybody
who deserves to be respected when he/she walks into the room.
(12) Tractate Kiddushin 31b, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:2, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:9, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3.
(13) Pischei Teshuvah Yoreh De'ah 240:1.
(14) Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:13. The Aruch HaShulchan is unsure of
whether this applies to talking about Torah matters, or even mundane matters.
He ultimately concludes that the laws of openly disagreeing with one's parent
applies to both Torah and/or mundane matters.
(15) Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:12.
(16) Ibid.
(17) Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:3, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:2. This is only
when in front of one's parent. However, if one is not in front of one's
parent, then calling a friend by the uncommon name is permissible. Even still,
it is preferable to call one's friend by a nickname so that it is
distinguishable from one's parent's name.
(18) Shach Yoreh De'ah 240:3.
(19) cf. Kiddushin 30b. The Gemara says that there are three partners in the
creation a human being: the mother, the father and Hashem, with Hashem
providing the soul, etc. Furthermore, the Gemara says that Hashem considers
that if a person properly respected his/her parents, then it as if they
respected Him.
(20) Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:1.
(21) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:15, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:12, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:34. Since both are commanded, it is not within a
parent's power to tell their child to violate a commandment from Hashem.
(22) Tractate Kiddushin 32a, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:8, Mishnah Torah
6:7, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:27-29, Rama Yoreh De'ah 240:8. This
example is actually a fascinating case. Even though one may not show
disrespect and dishonor to one's parent even in this case, there are a number
of things that one could do. One can still try to prevent the parent from
throwing away the wallet to begin with. If one was unable to stop the parent
from throwing away the wallet, then one can still take them to court to regain
whatever money was lost, especially if the money was the child's.
(23) Tractate Kiddushin 32a.
(24) Tractate Kiddushin 31a.
(24a) see note 35 concerning 'not putting a stumbling block in front of the
blind'.
(25) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:9, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:5, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:30.
(26) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:9, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:5, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:30-31. The Gemara in Tractate Megillah says that
whenever one quotes something that somebody else said, one should use the
name of the person who said the quote.
(27) Ibid.
(28) One makes a rip in one's clothes at the time of burial (even though the
time period that one can rip is from the time of death until the burial, most
people usually do so at the burial) to show that one is in mourning. It is
considered to be a sign of respect for the deceased. Consult a Rabbi for
details.
(29) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 340:18,402:4. For a regular relative, if the
mourning time period is past (i.e. 30 days after burial), one no longer tears
one's clothing. However, for a parent, because of the necessary and required
respect that one must have for them, one must tear one's clothes whenever one
hears of their passing away, even if it is 10 years after the fact.
(30) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:24, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:44.
The Jewish concept of the in-law is very different than the stereotypical
Western notion of the in-law's (especially the mother-in-law). They ought to
be respected as if they were one's own parents. As I once heard, when a
son or a daughter gets married, one doesn't lose a son or a daughter, but
rather, one gains a daughter or a son.
(31) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:21, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:15, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:43. However, there is an argument whether one's
obligation to honor one's step-parents remains even after the death of the
actual parent who remarried. Though, it would probably be best if one
continued to respect one's step-parent.
(32) Rama Yoreh De'ah 240:24, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:44. However,
one's own parent's honor and fear have precedence to one's grandparents.
(33) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:22, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:43.
This is true only by the firstborn son. However, that does not give him the
right to disgrace his younger siblings. In fact, if this firstborn son does
not treat one's younger siblings properly, then the Rabbis have the right to
excommunicate him.
(34) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:19, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:8, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:42. A parent has a right to waive his/her honor
should he/she so desire to do so.
(35) Shulchan Aruch Yoreh De'ah 240:20, Mishnah Torah Mamrim 6:9, Aruch
HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:42. This too will produce a proverbial 'putting an
obsticle before the blind'. How so? Hitting a child at this age (see note 36),
will produce a response from the child. The child might very likely hit back,
or even curse the parent. Both hitting or cursing a parent are expressly
forbidden by the Bible. Here too, the Rabbis have the right to excommunicate
a parent who hit his/her child above the certain age.
(36) Rama Yoreh De'ah 240:20, Aruch HaShulchan Yoreh De'ah 240:42. The age
that is given as the oldest that one can still hit one's child is either 22
or 24, as it is inferred from Tractate Kiddushin 29b-30a. However, there are
two other possible time periods that one could possibly say: 1) When the child
reaches the age that he/she has become a Halachik adult, or 2) When the child
gets married (remember, only in the modern age have first marriages been at
age 20+, most ppl were married by the time they reached the middle to late
teens).

Here again is another issue of A MegaByte Of Torah. Due to some techincal
difficulties, the Kislev issue was not able to be written up. B'ezrat Hashem,
this will be a monthly venture. However, realistically for the first few it
might only be bi-monthly. As with the previous one, please send comments and
suggestions so that I might be able to better this. Kol Tuv.    --Zev

Please direct any comments, questions, etc. to bytetorah@israel.nysernet.org,
which will be forwarded to me. Please pass it on to a friend. If you want to
subscribe, please send e-mail to listserv@israel.nysernet.org with the msg:
SUB bytetorah <first name> <last name>.  --Zev Itzkowitz        Copyright 1993
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Newsgroups: soc.culture.jewish,soc.culture.german