From: sri@cbnewsj.cb.att.com (a.natarajan)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian
Subject: WOMEN, MEN, ARRANGED and DERANGED MARRIAGES, and related BABBLES.
Keywords: aduththaththu aarumugam, pakkaththaththu pamela, vivaaham, wedding.
Date: 21 Jul 92 22:37:26 GMT
Organization: AT&T

It was only recently (approximately two weeks ago) that I  looked
at  SCI  postings,  after  more  than  two  years  of inactivity.
"Trying to appear busy" has kept most of us, AT&T folks,  awfully
busy, and I am no exception!  However, during the last two weeks,
I have been able to squeeze some moments  out  of  my  very  busy
schedule  of  "appearing  to  be extremely busy" and read the SCI
postings, through efficient time management techniques!  (It  was
a  mere  coincidence  that my boss chose to go on vacation out of
the country during the same two weeks!)  I somehow get a  feeling
that  my  interest  in  SCI postings/readings may fade away after
July 28, the day my boss returns to work!  So, here is my  chance
to  pour  my heart out on some of the topics "hotly" and "coolly"
"cussed" and "discussed" on this illustrious network.

When I look at the matter and the manner of discussions, most  of
the  postings  are  complaints  on the manner of postings, on the
inappropriateness  of  the  language  used,  on  how   one   (the
complainee)  is  more  stupid  than  the other (the complainant),
sweeping  generalizations  and  conclusions  with   very   meager
analysis  of  the  subject  matter, very graphic portrayal of one
netter's "violent attraction" for the other, etc.
Therefore, following time-honored SCI protocol, let  me   "babble
about green fields" (to use Washington Irving's phrase!)  too!

The  apt  place  to  begin  is   Yaagjnavalkya   Smruthi!    Sage
Yaagjnavalkya's  conversation  with  his  wife  Maithraeyee is an
oft-quoted parable in  the  Upanishads,  known  as  "Maithraeyee-
Yaagjnavalkya   samvaadam".   He  makes  the  following  profound
statement: "Aathmanasthu  Kaamaaya  Sarvam  Priyam  Bhavathi  ||"
"Every  thing  is dear to one, only because it pleases the self."
This  profound  statement  explains  the  behavior   of   humans,
societies, communities, animal kingdom, etc. etc.  For example, a
cow strolling along in very hot weather under  the  mid-day  sun,
may take shelter in the shadow of a large tree; the shade is dear
to the cow because it pleases the cow during  that  hot  weather.
The  cow  did  not  apply  Karmarkar  algorithm  to determine the
shortest path toward the tree, nor did it attend Yale Law  School
to   articulate   the  motive  for  its  behavior.   We  call  it
"instinct". Something that "tells" the cow, as a  result  of  its
past experience or some strange feeling, that the shade under the
tree is dear to it because being under the shade is  pleasing  to
its  system.  Similarly, a tiger nibbling at its kill, a piece of
meat, considers the piece of meat as very  dear  to  itself  only
because  the piece of meat pleases it (by satisfying its hunger).
Therefore, if another animal were to try to snatch the  piece  of
meat from the tiger, the tiger will fight to hold on to its kill.
Also, soon they set their own rules (dharma) so that  they  could
team  up  together  to  obtain things that are dear.  Soon tigers
group together to form a "tiger-society" so that they can satisfy
their  needs  as  a  group.  That  is why, we find animals having
similar  characteristics  grouping  together   and   acting   for
satisfying  their  needs. "Mrgaaha  mrgaihi  sangam  anuvrajanthi
Gaavascha gobhihi  thuragaaha thuragaihi  moorkhascha  moorkhaihi
sudheeyascha sudheebhihi ..."

Human beings also team up together and form societies  that  have
similar  physical  and behavioral characteristics and they try to
maximize their good by setting up laws and rules  (dharmas)  that
help  them at the expense of other groups.  No wonder men team up
and set up laws that give them power over  women.   In  addition,
since  men have (had?) superior physical strength, it helped them
to team up and set laws that are more favorable to  them.   In  a
similar  way,  groups  of men teamed up and set up laws to create
power hierarchy.  That explains the way  caste  system  may  have
originated from out of Aasrama-varna dharmas.  What must be borne
in mind is that these dharmas of the past and the laws  of  today
are  not ALL time-invariant.  Dharmas are changed by the society,
laws  are changed  also  by  consensus.  The  "Sthree Dharma"  of
yesterday may become obsolete tomorrow.

When one ponders on the pros  and  cons  of  non-arranged  versus
arranged  marriage,  what one is doing (knowingly or unknowingly)
is a sort of goal-programming!  First on  the  list  is  "how  to
please  the  self";  second on the list is perhaps "how to please
the spouse to be", since the "spouse to be" is dear to oneself as
he/she is expected to please the self; third on the list might be
parents, then somewhere down the line the other  members  of  the
society  (such as Tilak Wadi "maamee" or Ganga Vihar "maamaa", or
a gossiping Gowri or a Gopu.)   Problems  arise  when  different
weights are given to the above rankings by the various members in
the  family  who  contribute  to  the  decision  making  process.
"Kanyaa  varayathe  roopam,  maathaa  viththam,  pithaa  srutham,
baandhavaahaa kulamichchanthi,  mrushtaannam  itharae  janaahaa "
"The  bride  is interested in the groom's good looks, the bride's
mother in his wealth, her father in his learning,  her  relatives
and friends seek high family connections, while all others seek a
sumptuous wedding dinner (kalyaana saappadu)".

The decision making process is undergoing a change, no longer  is
the man or the woman worried about what "others" may think of the
choice, the weights are different now than what were once!   When
the  various  members  of  the  family  do not understand why the
weights are different now, they  run  into  problem.   The  "non-
arranged" marriage is also really an "arranged" marriage of sorts,
only that the couple are  arranging  it  themselves,  applying  a
larger weight to their own needs than to the needs of others.  In
the older days the family placed a greater emphasis on  what  our
neighbors  would  think  of  an  alliance!  E.g.,"pakkaththaththu
Parvathi  maamee"  might  "insist"  that  the  marriage  must  be
between,  "vadamaa-vadamaa", or there may be a terrible gossip on
the unholy alliance.  Now, my daughter who is growing up  as  the
"Ocean   Township  Oyyaaree"  has  no  comprehension  of  what  a
"vadamaa" is (though she knows what a "dosai maa" is!) and as for
as   she  is  concerned  she  cares  less  what  "pakkaththaththu
patricia" opines on her choice of a male in her life! So, she  is
giving  zero  weight  to Patricia's needs.  All she may do is re-
interpret the "vivaaha mantram"!  For example, the third manthram
where the groom is addressing the bride:  "Aghora chakshuhu"=(old
meaning:My bride! may your looks be benign), (new meaning: Honey!
may  you wear the contacts with the proper tint so that your eyes
look gorgeous), "Apathighniyedhi":=(o.m.:may I NOT have  a  short
life  soon  after  our  wedding), (n.m.: may this not be a `fatal
attraction'!) "sivaa pathibhyaha"=(o.m.:may you be caring to  all
members  of  my  family),  n.m.: may you be a good hostess to the
Indian  families  I  bring  for  Saturday   evening   "idli-dosa"
parties!),  "Sanno bhava, dwipadae sanchathushpadae"= (o.m.: as a
result of your joining our family,  may  (dwi  padae=two  legged)
human  beings  and  (chathush  padae=four  legged) animals in our
house be healthy and well), (n.m.:  as a result of your coming to
live  with  me,  may our (four-wheeled)  cars and (two wheeler)
motor-cycles perform trouble-free hereafter).

Before I end this scribble and  leave  the  network  for  another
couple  of  years  of  hibernation,  let  me share the following.
Recently, I was invited to an inter-faith wedding. The bride  who
is  a  Hindu requested me to officiate as a "Hindu priest" at her
wedding.  That was my first experience conducting a  wedding.   I
chanted  a  few  select  vedic  vivaaha manthraas with the proper
cadence (udhatham, anudhatham etc.)  and explained their meaning.
It  was  a grand-old posh church with an exceptionally good sound
system and I enjoyed chanting the manthras with gusto!  When the  
ceremonies were over, I was greeted by several of the attendees who
congratulated me on my performance at the wedding.   I  specially
remember  one glowing tribute by an American adult who came up to
me, shook my hands very warmly, and exclaimed with great sincerity:
"Sir,  I  truly  enjoyed  listening to your "Moslem maantruss" so
musically sung by you!"  I enjoyed the compliment  as  they  came
right out of his heart!

Respectfully submitted,

A. Natarajan at AT&T Bell Labs., Middletown, NJ.

Foot note:
There was a mention in SCI about using the prefix "sowbhagyavathy"
to women.
It is amusing to see this word abridged to "SOW" in wedding invitations.
"SOW" in English means "an adult female hog"! 

Confession:
I wonder why I am posting this long, boring, dull, pointless
babble. I know there are others who contribute toward this goal.
I have myriad other more purposeful things to do.
Such as:
Developing a plan for our next Venkateswara Temple in NJ
for our great-grand-children and their posterity,
preparing for my next discourse on "Paadukaa Sahasram",
planning a picnic for Thanjavur Poondi Pushpam College Alumni,
preparing a brochure for fund-raising for Odaiyaloor Saama Veda Paathasaalai,
writing the first draft of my key-note speech to be delivered
at the First (and the last) International Conference on the comparative study
of the traits of Sunni Muslims and their impact on Ashtasahasra Brahmins of
Tamil Nadu, to be held on the holy Sri Rama Navami Day at the rebuilt(?)
Ayodhya. (I said "Rebuilt": I don't know if I am referring to after
the Hindu-Muslim riots which some astrologers have predicted or
before the riots that is presently going on!).

Piece, Piece, PIECE!!!