From: jester@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Jester)
Subject: Princess Bride Script
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1992 16:08:05 GMT

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			The Princess Bride

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Cast of Characters:

The Albino			The Ancient Booer
The Assistant Brute		Buttercup, The Princess Bride
Fezzik		      		The Grandfather
The Grandson			Prince Humperdinck
The Impressive Clergyman	The King
Miracle Max			Inigo Montoya
The Mother			The Queen
Valerie				Vizzini
Westley				Yellin
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Mother: Hi, honey.
Grandson: Hi, Mom.
Mother: <kiss> You feelin' any better?
Grandson: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Grandson: What?
Mother: Your grandfather's here.
Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I *hate* that.
Mother: Maybe he won't.
Grandfather: Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, heh?
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Grandson: What is it??
Grandfather: Open it up.
Grandson: A *book* ?
Grandfather: That's right. When I was your age, television was called
books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read
to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm
gonna read it to you.
Grandson: Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants,
monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles....
Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of
confidence is overwhelming. All right. "The Princess Bride, by S.
Morgenstern, Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the
country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and
tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she
never called him that." Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Grandson: Yeah, it's *really* good.
Grandfather: "Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley
around."
Buttercup: Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandfather: "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."
Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water.....please.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandfather: "That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying
'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was
the day she realized she truly loved him back."
Buttercup: Farm boy...fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: As you wish. <she smiles....they kiss>
Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me?
Where's the sports? <gravely> Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Grandson: Well when does it get *good*?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Westley had no money for
marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his
fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup."
Grandson: I don't *believe* this!
Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again.
Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Westley: Hear this now: I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is True Love. You think this happens every day??
Grandfather: "Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked
by the dread pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup
got the news that Westley was murdered,--"
Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good...
Grandfather: "She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she
neither slept nor ate."
Buttercup: I will never love again.
Grandfather: "Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled
as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's
bride-to-be."
Humperdinck: My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th
anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner
like yourselves. Perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like
to meet her?
People: Yes!
Humperdinck: My people, the Princess Buttercup.
Grandfather: "Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the
land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
Despite Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the
only joy she found was in her daily ride."
Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there
a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby...not for miles.
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream!
Inigo: What is that you're ripping?
Vizzini: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder.
Fezzik: Who is Gilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Florin. <to horse>
Go! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince
suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead
on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of
work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU
WERE *NOT* HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR
CONCERN. *I* WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, *NEVER* FORGET THIS: WHEN I
FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY *BRANDY*! AND
*YOU*! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND
YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN *GREENLAND*!!!
Inigo: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss....I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead!
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: *DYEEAAHHHHHH!!* <later> We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are
you doing that?
Inigo: Are you sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are,
the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be
worrying about is your own. Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost
over.
Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other
ways, inconceivable. No one in Gilder knows what we've done, and no one in
Florin could've gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something
is there.
Vizzini:  What? Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at
night....through eel-infested waters. <splash!> Wha-wh-Go in! Get after
her!
Inigo: I don't swim.
Fezzik: I only dog paddle.
Vizzini:  *DYEEAAHHHHHH!!* VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
SOUND IS, HIGHNESS? THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN
FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT
THAT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS.
Grandfather: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Grandson: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you because
you look nervous.
Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit *concerned*, but
that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: Because we can stop now if you want.
Grandson: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.
Grandfather: "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the
shrieking eels."
Grandson: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh, oh my goodness I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All
right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after
her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then--
Vizzini:  Put her down, just put her down.
Inigo: I think he's getting closer.
Vizzini:  HE'S NO CONCERN OF OURS. SAIL ON! I suppose you think you're
brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
Inigo: <later> Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the
same wind we are using.
Vizzini:  WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE? THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! HURRY
UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Fezzik
is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till
he finds a harbor.
Inigo: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
Vizzini:  Inconceivable! FASTER!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: YOU WERE *SUPPOSED* TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT
LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself.
Vizzini: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A
NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please.
Vizzini: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR *JOB* IS AT STAKE?
Fezzik: He's got very good arms.
Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it
means. My God! He's climbing!
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must
therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier.
Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!
Inigo: Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too
quickly.
Vizzini: Oh, have it your way.
Fezzik: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vizzini: I'M *WAITING*!
Inigo: Hello there! Slow going?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as
easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: Sorry.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Thank you.
Inigo: I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Dread Pirate Roberts: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or
a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I do not think
you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Dread Pirate Roberts: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just
have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard...
Dread Pirate Roberts: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there not any way you'll trust me?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: I swear, on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach
the top alive.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Throw me the rope. Thank you.
Inigo: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Again, thank you.
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six
fingers on your right hand?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great
sword maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appear and request a
special sword, my father took the job. He slave a year before it was done.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I've never seen its equal.
Inigo: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his
promised price. My father refuse. Without a word, the six-fingered man
slash him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged
his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man leave me alive. But
he give me this.
Dread Pirate Roberts: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my
life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I
will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Dread Pirate Roberts: You've done nothing but study swordplay?
Inigo: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It
has been twenty years now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work
for Vizzini to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money or revenge.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Well, I certainly hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You are ready, then?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo: Begin. You are using Benetti's defense against me, eh?
Dread Pirate Roberts: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with ____________.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Naturally, but I find that _________ cancels _____.
Inigo: Unless the enemy hasn't studied ______, which I have! You are
wonderful!
Dread Pirate Roberts: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
Dread Pirate Roberts: And what is that?
Inigo: I am not left-handed.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
Dread Pirate Roberts: There is something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I am not left-handed either.
Inigo: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Roberts: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: Kill me quickly.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an
artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me
either...<bonks him on head> Please understand I hold you in the highest
respect.
Vizzini: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly.
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!
Fezzik: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini. Which way's my way?
Vizzini: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few
minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his
*head* is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!!
Fezzik: My way's not very sportsmanlike. <later> I did that on purpose. I
didn't have to miss.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I believe you. So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended...sportmanlike. No tricks, no
weapons, skill against skill alone.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down
my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: I could kill you now.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor
at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even
exercise.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die
embarrassed. You're quick.
Dread Pirate Roberts: And a good thing, too.
Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something
like that?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I
think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.
Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Why's that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been
specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of
thing.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Why should that make such a <strained> difference?
Fezzik: Well, you see, you use different moves when fighting half a dozen
people than when you only have to be worried about....one.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you
awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.
Humperdinck: There was a mighy duel. It ranged all over. They were both
masters.
Count Rugen: Who won? How did it end?
Humperdinck: The loser....ran off alone, and the winner followed those
footprints.....toward Gilder.
Count Rugen: Shall we track them both?
Humperdinck: The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this
was all planned by warriors of Gilder. We must all be ready for whatever
lies ahead.
Count Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdinck: I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm
still alive.
Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead,
by all means, keep moving forward.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Let me explain--
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have
rightfully stolen.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at
an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no
match for my brains.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle,
Socrates?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Really. In that case, I challenge you to a battle of
wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? <Pirate nods> To the death? <Pirate nods> I
accept.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Good. Then pour the wine. Inhale this, but do not
touch.
Vizzini: I smell nothing.
Dread Pirate Roberts: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is
odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more
deadly poisons known to man.
Vizzini: Hmmmm.
Dread Pirate Roberts: <mixes the cups> All right. Where is the poison? The
battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and
find out who is right....and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of
you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet
or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet,
because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was
given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front
of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have
counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone
knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are
used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I
can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would know the
powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant,
which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in
your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard,
which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned
that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself
as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You're trying to trick me into giving away something.
It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE
POISON IS!
Dread Pirate Roberts: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose--What in the world can that be?
Dread Pirate Roberts: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
Dread Pirate Roberts: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass,
and you from yours. <they drink>
Dread Pirate Roberts: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only *think* I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I
switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell
victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get
involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this:
never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha-- <falls over dead>
Buttercup: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Roberts: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever
need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Dread Pirate Roberts: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years
building up an immunity to iocane powder.
Humperdinck: Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in
Gilder if she dies.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get
it, I promise you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: <laughs> And what is that worth, the promise of a
woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Buttercup: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me.
There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a falcon
on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me.
That I know.
Dread Pirate Roberts: You admit to me that you do not love your fiance.
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Buttercup: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever
dream.
Dread Pirate Roberts: <almost slaps her> That was a warning, Highness. The
next time my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are
penalties when a woman lies.
Humperdinck: Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's
footprints. She's alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I
find her, I shall be very put out.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Rest, Highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the
dread pirate Roberts, admit it!
Dread Pirate Roberts: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Dread Pirate Roberts: Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose your
venom on me?
Buttercup: You killed my love.
Dread Pirate Roberts: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this
love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea
after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the dread pirate
Roberts never takes prisoners.
Dread Pirate Roberts: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks
out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's
nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Dread Pirate Roberts: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently
is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This
would be what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Dread Pirate Roberts: He died well. That should please you. No bribe
attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please....please, I need to live."
It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so
important for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he spoke of a
girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you.
You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really
are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Dread Pirate Roberts: Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring
fathfulness. Now tell me truly, did you get engaged to your prince that
same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that day! And you
can die too for all I care! <pushes him down hill>
Dread Pirate Roberts: As.....you.....wish!!
Buttercup: Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?
Humperdinck: He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It might
account for his panicking and error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never
wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp.
Westley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly.
Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for
me?
Buttercup: Well, you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay it for a
while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need. <they kiss>
Grandson: Aw, no. No, please.
Grandfather: What is it? What's the matter?
Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday, you may not mind so much.
Grandson: Skip on to the fire swamp. That sounded good.
Grandfather: Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now...where were we? Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.....okay. "Westley and Buttercup raced along the
ravine floor."
Westley: Ha! Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and we'll be
safe in the fire swamp.
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has. <later>
Not that bad. Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here,
but the trees are actually quite lovely.
Buttercup: <screams>
Westley: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Buttercup: <shakes head> You?
Westley: <shakes head> Well, one thing I will say. The fire swamp certainly
does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. It
was Roberts' ship *Revenge*, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know,
am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been maurauding twenty
years, and you only left me five years ago?
Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I
told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as
did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He
said, "All right Westley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd
like. I'd most like to kill you in the morning." Three years he said that.
"Good night Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'd most like to kill you in
the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight,
anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became
friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took
me to his cabin, and told me his secret. "I am not the dread pirate
Roberts", he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous
dread pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I
inherited it from was not the real dread pirate Roberts either. His name
was Cummerbund. The real pirate Roberts has been retired fifteen years and
living like a king in Patagonia." Thank you. Then he explained that the
*name* was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see,
no one would surrender to the dread pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore,
took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first
mate, all the time calling *me* Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left
the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're
together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is
everything clear to you?
Buttercup: <nods head> <steps into lightning sand>
Westley: <dives in after her>
Buttercup and Westley: <gasp!! cough!!!>
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Westley: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three
terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a
popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand,
but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the
future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S's?
Westley: Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. <aarrggghhh!!!>
Buttercup: Westley!!
Westley: <aarrrggghhh!!>
Buttercup: <later> We did it.
Westley: Now, was that so terrible?
Humperdinck: Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire
swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel
like dying, feel free to visit.
Humperdinck: I tell you once again, surrender!
Westley: It will not happen.
Humperdinck: For the last time, surrender!
Westley: Death first!!
Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdinck: What was that?
Westley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to
hurt this man?
Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship *Revenge*. Promise to return
him to his ship.
Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. <to Rugen> Once we're out of sight,
take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Count Rugin: I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could
not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
Count Rugin: Come, sir, we must get you to your ship.
Westley: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
Count Rugin: Well spoken, sir. What is it?
Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for
you. <later> Where am I?
Albino: The Pit of Despair. Don't even think--<cough, gasp!> Don't even
think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream
of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret, and only the prince,
the count, and I know how to get it and out.
Westley: Then I'm here till I die?
Albino: Till we kill you, yeah.
Westley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: The prince and the count always insist on everyone being healthy
before they're broken.
Westley: So it's to be torture? <Albino nods head> I can cope with torture
<Albino shakes head> Don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire swamp, you must be ver brave, but *nobody*
withstands The Machine.
Humperdinck: She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my
father's failing health that's upsetting her. 
Count Rugin: Of course.
Grandfather: "The king died that very night, and before the following dawn,
Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects
again, this time as their queen."
Humperdinck: My father's final words were:---
Grandson: Hold it, hold it, Grandpa. Y-you read that wrong. She doesn't
marry Humperdinck, she marriew Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that
Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't
always fair.
Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?
Grandson: Yes.
Grandfather: All right, then. No more interruptions. "At noon she met her
subjects again, this time as their queen."
Humperdinck: My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved her and
there will be joy." I present to you your queen, Queen Buttercup.
Ancient Booer: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Buttercup: Why do you do this?
Ancient Booer: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up.
Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.
Ancient Booer: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True Love saved
her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she
is, the queen of refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to
the queen of filth, the queen of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth!
Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Buttercup: <gasp!>
Grandfather: "It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but
Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse."
Grandson: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?
Grandfather: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
Buttercup: If it comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I know now I
always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I
will be dead by morning.
Humperdinck: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. You,
uh, returned this Westley to his ship?
Count Rugin: Yes.
Humperdinck: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he
still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire
swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
Buttercup: my Westley will always come for me.
Humperdinck: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send
my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The dread pirate Roberts is
always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and
deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please
consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed? 
Buttercup: <nods head>
Count Rugin: <later> Your princess is really quite a winning creature. A
trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Humperdinck: Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but
when I hired Vizzine to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought
that was clever. But it's going to be so much more dramatic when I strangle
her on our wedding night. Once Gilder is blamed, the nation will be
truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugin: Hmmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find.
Ah! Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I'm
starting him on the Machine tonight.
Humperdinck: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've
got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife
to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!
Count Rugin: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got
anything. <later, in the Pit of Despair> Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half
a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding
interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the
subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me about how The Machine
makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. As
you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really
that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life.
I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as
five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just
start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember,
this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?
Westley: <whimpers>
Count Rugin: Interesting.
Yellin: Ahem!
Humperdinck: Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdinck: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret:
killers from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder
my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: My spy network has heard no such news.
Buttercup: Any word from Westley?
Humperdinck: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me.
Humperdinck: Of course. <to Yellin> She will not be murdered. On the day of
the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant
arrested.
Yellin: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be
inadequate.
Humperdinck: Form a brute squad, then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied
before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, sire.
Humperdinck: Try ruling the world sometime.
Grandfather: "The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their
hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders."
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Assistant Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well you give him some trouble. Move.
Inigo: I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the
beginning. I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I
will not be moved.
Assistant Brute: Ho there!
Inigo: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there".
Assistant Brute: But the prince gave orders.
Inigo: So did Vizzini. When the job went wrong he went back to the
beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I
am staying till Vizzini comes.
Assistant Brute: You, brute, come here!
Inigo: I am waiting for Vizzini.
Fezzik: You surely are a meanie. Hello.
Inigo: It's you.
Fezzik: Who? You don't look so good.
Inigo: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!
Fezzik: You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel *fine*.
Grandfather: "Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his
inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the
existence of Count Rugin, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's
lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. Fezzik took great
care in reviving Inigo."
Inigo: That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill
him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded
by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I
need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini's dead.
Inigo: No, not Vizzini. I need the man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with
steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini. And a man who can do that can
plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go.
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: To find the man in black, obviously.
Fezzik: But we don't know where he is!
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my
father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
Humperdinck: Rise and report.
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Humperdinck: Double it. My princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
Humperdinck: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning
your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada
waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. Every ship but the
four you sent.
Humperdinck: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
Yellin: Ahem. Your majesty.
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter.
Westley will come for me anyway.
Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are
nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the
bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds.
And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are
a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl
the earth.
Humperdinck: I would not say such things if I were you! <later, to Westley>
You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one
couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So
I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.
Count Rugin: Not to 50!!!!
Westley: <assorted groans and wails>
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate
suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The
man in black makes it now.
Fezzik: The man in black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause
for ultimate suffering? Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik,
please.
Fezzik: Everybody MOVE!!!
Inigo: Thank you. <later, to Albino> Where is the man in black? You get
that from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory.
Fezzik: <bonks Albino and leaves him out cold> I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't
mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?
Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end.
Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him
alone. I need you to guide my sword. Please, Guide my sword.
Fezzik: <later> He's dead.
Inigo: It just is not fair.
Grandson: Grandpa, grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Fezzik mean "He's dead"? I
mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's only faking, right?
Grandfather: You want me to read this or not?
Grandson: Who gets Humperdinck?
Grandfather: I don't understand.
Grandson: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end. Somebody's got to do
it. Is it Inigo, who?
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Grandson: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing
for?
Grandfather: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story
very seriously. I think we better stop now.
Grandson: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
Grandfather: Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh, yes. In
the Pit of Despair.
Inigo: Well, the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along,
Fezzik. Bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
Miracle Max: Go away? What, what?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Miracle Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for
bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give
me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? Beat it, or I'll call the
brute squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Miracle Max: You *are* the brute squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Miracle Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the
king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Miracle Max: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir....sir??
Miracle Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Miracle Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten
miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Miracle Max: Sheesh! I never work for so little. Except once, and that was
a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is....crippled. The children are on the
brink of starvation.
Miracle Max: Are you a rotten liar!
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Miracle Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows crammed? He
probably owes you money, eh? Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Miracle Max: Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so
happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference
between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead
is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually
only one thing you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Hey! Hello
in there! Hey! What you got here worth living for?
Westley: T..r..u..e.. L..o..v..e.
Inigo: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause
than that.
Miracle Max: Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world, except for
a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice
and lean, and the tomato is ripe. <makes puckering sound> They're so perky.
I love that. But that's not what he said---he distinctly said "To blave"
and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably
playing cards, and he cheated.
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar!
Miracle Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said, I'm
not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Miracle Max: You never had it so good.
Valerie: True Love, he said "True Love", Max.
Miracle Max: Not another word, Valerie.
Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his
confidence is shattered.
Miracle Max: Why did you say that name? You promised me that you would
never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?
Miracle Max: Aaaigh!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Miracle Max: I'm not listening.
Valerie: You're life's expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why
you won't help.
Miracle Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Inigo: This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop
Humperdinck's wedding.
Miracle Max: Enough! Wait, wait. If I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore.
Miracle Max: Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! *That* is a noble
cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job.
Valerie: Hoo-woo!
Inigo: That a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to
wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming for
at least--
Miracle Max: An hour--
Valerie: Yeah, an hour--
Miracle Max: A good hour.
Inigo: Thank you for everything.
Miracle Max: Okay.
Valerie: Bye-bye, boys!
Miracle Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.
Miracle Max and Valerie: Bye-bye!!
Fezzik: <later> Inigo, there's more than thirty!
Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to
force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the
hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before we know if the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Westley: I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's
Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is
marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is
get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I
kill Count Rugen.
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by...sixty
men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could
come up with something, but this....<shakes head>
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Westley: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you
think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if
we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Fezzik: With the albino, I think.
Westley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What
I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: Would this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Westley: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Now I'll need a sword
eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now,
there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again?
Once I find you again, how do we escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry.
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited, my little muffet.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me.
Impressive Clergyman: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today.
Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
Voice: Stand your ground, men, stand your ground! Stand your ground!
Fezzik: I am the dread pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here.
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Light him.
Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst
nightmares are about to come true!
Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowever--
Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts is here for your souls!
Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!
Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wife, --
Humperdinck: Skip to the end.
Impressive Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.
Westley: Fezzik, the portcullis!
Humperdinck: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate key.
Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup,--
Humperdinck: Man and wife! Say man and wife!!
Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there
shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come.
Count Rugen: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for
questioning.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to
die. <Rugen runs away behind a locked door> Fezzik!!!!!! I *need* you!!!!!
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!! Fezzik!!! Aaargh!!
Fezzik: I'll be right back.
Inigo: <Fezzik breaks door down> Thank you.
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
King: <Buttercup kisses him> What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing
you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: Won't that be nice? She kills me! <laughs>
Inigo: Sorry, father. I tried.
Count Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all
those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole
life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How
marvelous.
Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a
pity to damage yours.
Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you hold me?
Westley: Gently.
Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?
Westley: Gently! <thumps head> Ugh!
Count Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an
overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble
someday.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to
die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. 
Count Rugen: Stop saying that!
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to
die.
Count Rugen: No!
Inigo: Offer me money!
Count Rugen: Yes! 
Inigo: Power, too. Promise me that!
Count Rugen: All that I have and more! Please!
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for!
Count Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch. <kills him>
Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Westley: Never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Westley: Never happened.
Buttercup: But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and wife".
Westley: Did you say "I do"?
Buttercup: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Westley: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it.
Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?
Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things
first. To the death.
Westley: No! To the pain.
Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to
understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult
me.
Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will
lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists,
next your nose.
Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the
last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left
eye, followed by your right.
Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every
shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish.
Every babe that weeps at your approach, ever maid that cries out "Dear God,
what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the
pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery
for ever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you
miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to
stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. <he stands up>
Drop your sword. <Humperdinck drops it> Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as
tight as you like.
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Westley: I thought he was with you.
Inigo: No.
Westley: In that case, whooooa!
Inigo: Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was...bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Westley: Thank you but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a
long life alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik: Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I saw the
prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought,
there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady! So I took them
with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Inigo: You know, It's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so
long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful dread
pirate Roberts.
Grandfather: "They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley and
Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they
reached for each other, --"
Grandson: What? What?
Grandfather: Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that.
Grandson: Well, I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five
kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left
them all behind. The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Grandson: Okay.
Grandfather: All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.
Grandson: Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again to me
tomorrow.
Grandfather: As You Wish.
------------------------------ The End -----------------------------------


typed by eroberts@slate.colorado.mines.edu (Marble) November 1991

-- 
	 Two thousand years have passed since bold Priam said,
        "Don't open the gates, who the hell needs a wooden horse
                that size?"
        -Shawn O' Shaun from Woody Allen's "Irish Genius"