From: krd@hot.zer.sub.org (Patrick Rother)
Newsgroups: de.talk.jokes
Followup-To: de.talk.jokes
Subject: Fuss-Schuss
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 92 09:45:00 MET
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Message-Id:   <4sW5Q00QDH0jFvt@21.HOT.zer.de>


Shooting Yourself in the Foot

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using.  This guide
is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves
in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER. on  HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.  THEN return HANDGUN
to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol.  On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it fewer characters.

Pascal:  The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:  If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid:  You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk:  Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you.  Answer the result.

Motif:  You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun.  When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o  % rm *.o  rm:.o: No such
file or directory % ls %

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document
explaining how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.

Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot.
When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you
must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.