From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Clean Joke Collection (7/31/92)
Date: 31 Jul 92 15:00:30 GMT


There's a dog that loves to be scrubbed three times every day.  The
owners aren't sure of his breed, they think he's a shampoodle.

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     After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."

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How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a brown
bear?  Just climb a tree...

If the bear climbs the tree and eats you, it's a black bear.
If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it's a brown bear.

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Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A: Lean Beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all ?
A: Ground beef

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Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A Zebra.

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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick

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There were two guys walking down the street with a penguin, when
a policeman stopped them and said "Excuse me.  Don't you think
you should take that penguin to a zoo?"  The two guys said "Yes
officer, right away."  The following day the two guys, again with
the penguin, met the same police officer.  The policeman said,
"I thought I told you to take that penguin to a zoo?"  One of the
guys replied, "Yes you did, and we took him and he liked it alot,
but he wants to go to the movies today!!"

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Q: What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
A: Quatro cinco.

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Q: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up
   payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

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        There was once was an old man from Esser
        Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser
           It at last grew so small,
           He knew nothing at all
        And now he's a college Professor.

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Seen on a bakery delivery truck:

Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.

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Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course.
One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots
over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

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"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
 Pigs treat us as equals."
                             - Winston Churchill

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MEN JOKES:

What did God say after He created man?
    "I can do better than this."

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his feet.

How do men exercise at the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six pack.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
    If the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for
    directions.

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     A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops
and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

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     A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just
a little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If
you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

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     During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.
She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

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     A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much
for granite.

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     A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two
huge nuggets on the counter.  "Well, don't just stand there, assay
something!"

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Q:  Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
A:  Because he wanted to see a butterfly.

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Q:  What did the moron do when he learned that
    he was going to die?
A:  He went into the living room.

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   It was three o'clock in the morning when the moron's
phone rang, so he trudged from his seventh-floor bedroom
all the way down to the ground-floor drawing-room to
answer it.
   "Hello?", said the moron.
   "Hello" said the voice at the other end.  "Is that
one-one-one-one-one-one?"
   "No", said the moron.  "This is eleven-eleven-eleven."
   "Oh," said the voice at the other end, "I must have the
wrong number.  I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you."
   "Oh, that's all right", said the moron.  "I had to get
up anyway to answer this blasted phone!"

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Q:  What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A:  You can't get kids to eat broccoli.

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A limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space that's quite economical.
  The good ones I've seen
  So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

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Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for supper?
He was given the cold shoulder.

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An Idahoan, Texan, and Aggie decided to pool their funds and go to
the Olympics in Barcelona.  The airfare and hotel rates ate up most
of their money, and so they didn't have enough to get into the stadium
to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching more fortunate
folk get in, and then noticed that some people didn't have to pay.
Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the
guard would simply nod and let them through.  So the three visitors
quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store, and came back shortly
to try to get in.  The Idahoan walked up to the guard and gestured at
the long PVC pipe he carried.

"Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.

The Texan, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain, approached
the guard next and showed off his wares.

"Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.

The Aggie came last, with a roll of chain link on his shoulder.

"Fencing."

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A lawyer and a doctor were having dinner at their country
club.  "I have a real problem," the doctor said to the
lawyer.  "Members at this club ask me all kinds of medical
questions.  This hurts my practice.  What can I do?"

"That's easy," the attorney replied.  "Send them a bill."

Two days later the doctor received a bill from the lawyer.

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A woman lion tamer had the big cats under such control they
took a lump of sugar from her lips on command.  "Anyone can
do that!" a skeptic yelled.

The ringmaster came over and asked, "Would you like to try it?"

"Sure," replied the man, "but first get those crazy lions out
of there!"

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Three men, one American, one British, and one Iraqi see a bottle.  One
of them picks it up and rubs it.  A genie pops out and grants them all
one wish apiece.

The American says, "I want a million bucks a week, tax free."

The genie grants the wish.

The Brit says, "I want to be a member of the peerage."

The genie makes him a Lord.

The Iraqi says, "My neighbor has a goat.  I want it KILLED."

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Q:   Why don't blondes make Kool-aid?
A:   Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q:   Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A:   To see what was on the other side.

Q:   Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A:   It takes too long to retrain them.

Q:   What does a blonde say when she opens up a box of Cheerios?
A:   "Look!  Donut seeds."

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Q:  How was copper wire invented?
A:  Two lawyers trying to pick up the same penny.

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Q:  Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A:  Professional courtesy.

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A guy goes in for a heart transplant. His surgeon says, "We've got 2 hearts;
one's from a 30 year old athlete, the other's from an 85 year old lawyer.
Which would you rather have?"  The man replies, "I think I'll take the 85
year old lawyer.  I figure that heart's hardly used at all."

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 This traveling salesman was way out in the boondocks, and he went to
this farm trying to sell his wares. As he's talking to the farmer he
notices this three legged pig hopping around in the yard and he asks
the farmer about it.
 "I'm glad you asked me about that pig! That's no ordinary pig" says
the farmer. "That's a very smart pig. Why, my whole family owes their
lives to that there pig! Last winter, while we were all asleep, a
spark from the fireplace caught the cabin on fire. And we would have
all burnt up in our sleep. But that there pig beat on the door and
started sqealing and woke us up to save our lives. And then this
spring my son was a-swimmin' in the stock pond and took a cramp and
would've drowned, but that pig came around back where I was plowing,
and pulled me by the overalls around where I could see him just in
time to save him."
 "But how did he lose his leg?" the salesman asks.
  And the farmer says "Why we all owe our lives to that there pig. It
wouldn't be right to just eat him all at once!"

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 He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.

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By the sewer I lived,
By the sewer I died;
They said it was murder,
But it was sewercide.

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Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.

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        "It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid."
                         -- Barney Rubble

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There are actually five billion types of people in the world, but aside from
the fact that cataloging them would be more exhausting than exhaustive, this
does not allow us to generalize, and is therefore useless.

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Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.

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Antisesquipedalial - Opposed to the use of large words.

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      The flagships of the British and American fleets were passing
each other sometime ago. The admiral of the American fleet signaled
to the British Admiral: 'How is the world's second largest navy?'.
      The British admiral signaled back: 'Very well thank you. How
is the world's second best?'.

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  Q:  What did the man say to the wall?
  A:  One more crack like that and I'll plaster you.

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  A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the
  plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency
  cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells
  "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

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  Q:  What happened to the cat after it swallowed a ball of yarn?
  A:  It had 6 little mittens.

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A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress.
Inmediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling:

"Sir! You cannot park here!  All the congressmen are about to go out!"

The man replies:

"Don't worry.  I have a good alarm in my car."

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Did you hear about the snail that was mugged by two tortoises?

When he went down to report the mugging the police officer asked him
if he could describe the event and the snail replied, "I don't know
if I could, it happened so fast."

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  An Aggie decides to raise chickens.  So, he goes to the feed store and
buys some chicks.  He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their
heads sticking up.  He waters them, but they die.

  He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought
defective chicks, and gets another set.  This time he plants them with
their heads sticking down.  He waters them, but they die.

  He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem.  They
send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

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There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought
'nirvana' was where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.

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There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an
almond daquiri.  It was his standard.  Anyway, one day the bartender was
out of almonds so he substituted something else.  The doctor came in and
ordered the usual.  When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender
"Hey, is this my usual almond daquiri?"   The bartender replied, "No, that
is a hickory daquiri, doc."

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU  |
+========================+=====================================+
|    Cat:  A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs,            |
|          and patronizes human beings.                        |
+==============================================================+
Newsgroups: rec.humor