From: dks@sr.com (Dave K. Sprow)
Subject: Re: PLEASE!  I desperately need you help!  Help me keep this love alvive!
Reply-To: dks@srhqla.UUCP (Dave K. Sprow)
Organization: Silent Radio, Los Angeles
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 19:59:08 GMT

In article <1992Sep28.144355.26740@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu> daw@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Dave Webb) writes:
>I desperately need some help and advice.  I have been dating a Jewish girl
>from New York for the past 2 months and have developed a wonderful relationship
>with her.  We have spoken of marriage and spending the rest of our lives 
>together.  We see each other as often as possible, I've been to New York several
>times, she's been down here (Baltimore) and we went on vactation together to
>Florida.  The problem we are now facing is her parents.  They are conservative
>jews and forbid her to date non-jews.  Well, too late for that.  The problem we
>now are facing is when and how to tell her parents.  She confided in her sister
>(she has three) and the one sister she confided in told her that the news of her
>dating a non-jew would kill her parents.  She said that they would never accept
>me and for her just to end it now before things get any more serious.  She also
>mentioned something to her father directly.  The exact words were, "Dad, what 
>would you do if I dated someone who wasn't je
>					     wish?"  Her father's response was,
>"I'd throw you out of the house"  (She is 24 and is living with her parents
>until she finishes school next May)  Well that was that.  So now the choice she
>is forced to make is between her parents and myself.  She has already told me 
>that she can't give up her parents because they've always been there for her
>and she can't hurt them after all they've done for her.  She is very confused
>and needs some direction.  She loves me and doesn't want to leave me either..
>the feeling is mutual.  I hurt for her because of everything she has to go
>through.  We kind of broke up this weekend because she didn't want to hurt me
>more later.  It was a very sad time.  That really wasn't what she wanted, so
>we decided to continue our relationship as it was.  I need to hear as much
>advice and suggestions as you all can come up with.  Things I've decided:
>She should contact her rabbi and have HIM help her break things to her parents,
>We need to come up with a very positive way to introduce me to her parents.
>I've thought of conversion and her sister thinks that even that wouldn't do any
>good for her parents acceptance.  Anyway, I'm very in love with this girl and
>can't stand the thought of losing her... especially since things are going so
>well.  PLEASE help me!!!  What choices do I have?  What choices does she have?
>Suggestions? Hints?  I'm DESPERATE!  Help me to keep this love alive!  PLEASE??
>
>			Thanx in advance,
>					Dave Webb
>
>        je
>
>
>
At the risk of sounding incaring, realistically, taking the understandable
emotions out of the pciture for the moment, the percentages are
*highly* against you.  When one come up against deeply ingrained cultural
perferences/biases that are as strong as seems to be the case here, it
is virtually impossible to counter them.

What choices does she have. Realistically, you or them. Chances are it
ain't gonna work either way though.  Even is she chooses you, the
guilt and pain losing her boilogical family statistically equates with
a divorce at some point.  It just creates too many emotionally powerful
issues in addition tp the "normal" ones that come with marriage anyway,
It is, for most people, much too much to handle successfully.

After saying that, I will say there are *some* exceptions for people
that may be exceptionally mature for their ages and with counseling.
Howeverm to be honest, from your information and the "feeling tone"
of your post, I don't sense this to be the case here, However, a good
marriage counselor would still be a very good idea because they could
likely shed some objective insight into these issues and help you
both face more clearly what you up against. Then perhaps you both
could make a more informed decision about both of your futures.

Good luck,

David S.



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