From: mba@controls.ccd.harris.com (Belinda Asbell)
Subject: Re: Fight for sole custody or joint?
Originator: mba@sp1
Organization: Harris Controls
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 18:30:36 GMT


In article <1992Nov5.162839.2742@vicorp.com>, mc@vicorp.com (Mark Charalambous) writes:
|> 
|> My ex has moved 50 miles away in an attempt to make joint custody that
|> much more difficult. We're in Mass, in the beginning phases of the divorce. 
|>
|> He says the court
|> won't make a decision forcing her to move back to within the last place
|> of domicile (where I remain), despite the fact that I moved from California
|> to this area precisely to accomodate her a year and a half ago.
|> 

Hrm....I seem to notice an alarming trend here....you're the third person in the
past few weeks who's stated that their ex (or ex-to-be) has wanted to move to
Massachusetts, they move to accomodate her and she leaves him taking the kid(s).

One or two cases might be coincidental, but it's beginning to sound a little
fishy on the ex's part....is Mass. one of those states where men who want to
have a relationship with their children after a divorce are pretty much told 
to "bend over, 'cuz you're screwed"?

Warning to all fathers out there:  If your wife suddenly wants to move to
Massachusetts, get worried.

I sympathize with you, Mark...my husband's ex-wife moved his children from
Georgia to Alaska virtually without telling him (he found out because his
daughter said "we're moving!", the day before they moved).  We've been involved
in a custody battle for over a year now....it's nasty.

We've got a bit of an edge because we do have a decent case....she has had a
history of serious emotional instability as well as a few other things.


It will be expensive, if you try to go for it.  I would suggest trying for sole
custody, though, if you want a relationship with your kids at all.  If she's
moved away solely to make joint custody difficult, then some other things you
might expect are:

	- restriction of visitation ("oh, we won't be here then", "oh, they're
		sick", or they just won't be there when you show up)
	- her trying to change the kids' last names
	- her telling the children bad things about you ("daddy doesn't come see
	you very often because he doesn't love you", or "daddy threw us out"
	(if you initiated the divorce, or maybe even if you didn't) ))
	- if you get summer visitation, they may be coached to misbehave ("you
	don't have to do what daddy tells you to do")
	- further moves if you do drive 50 miles to see them every weekend or
	whatever.

NOTE:  These are my own opinions and observations.  Some ex's may be civilized
and actually cooperate...I have known a few of those.  I also have heard of a few
fathers who don't want to deal with their children, but not many.  I've seen
fathers who want to but have been told "you don't have a shot in hell" so they
just don't try.

Some advice from someone who's seen what her husband has gone through:

	In the divorce, don't make *ANY* assumptions.  Get everything set in
writing.  Watch for loopholes.  If you don't get the kids or can't really afford
to try, at least call them often (your ex may have a cow about this, but you
*are* their father and are therefore entitled to a relationship with them).  Tell
them often that you love them.  Do your best to maintain a relationship with them
(it will be tough, especially if you have a mean-spirited ex).  Try to be fair as
well, if possible.  You want to be able to say someday that you only wanted what
was best for them.  (We've tried, but his ex has been so nasty that there's no
way we can get anything reasonable without stepping on her toes.)  Don't get
vindictive unless you have to.

It *WILL* be expensive if you try for custody.  But child support is also
expensive.  Either way, you'll probably be living off Ramen soups for a
while...personally I'd say having the kids is better in the long run, both
financially and emotionally for you and them.  They need to have a relationship
with their mother, but they also need a relationship with their father.  And it
looks to me like fathers are more likely to allow mothers visitation than mothers
are to fathers.

Just my $.02

Disclaimer: My opinions are mine alone, and are not intended to represent Harris
Corporation.

Good luck, Mark.  May you get what you truly believe is best for your children.




-- 
=============================================================================
Belinda Asbell        +  System Administrator, Harris Controls Division
mba@ccd.harris.com    +      Any opinions presented are mine alone.
  Good judgment comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.
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