From: jlane@Ingres.COM (Judi Lane)
Subject: expectations
Reply-To: jlane@Ingres.COM (Judi Lane)
Organization: Ask Computer Systems Inc., Ingres Division, Alameda CA 94501
Date: 5 Oct 92 17:04:05 GMT

Well, the Dryad is pretty sick of reading about educational theory, so
she thought she'd post a question to all you deep-thinking ARCers out
there who also have desire to be productive/disciplined today...not.

I hear so many things these days from so many different places about
"unsatisfactory social/romantic/interpersonal lives" that I'm beginning
to wonder if this isn't a "symptom" of a bigger issue.  Case in point:
I've met someone through the net who's sparked my interest enough to
where I want to spend more time in getting to know him better.  We
haven't met face-to-face yet, but will do so in November, when he'll
return to the states for a month of R and R (rest and relaxation for
non-military types).  Now, I know that the odds of us "hitting it off"
are statistically not very good, but... what if this time, it happens?
What if we do hit it off?  What then?  He now works and lives in
another country on the other side of the globe, and may stay there for
an indefinite period of time.  Neither he nor I are in a position to
move at this point in our lives, mostly because of careers.  So if we
happen to connect, where does that lead us?

The point I'm trying to make is this: because the world has changed
soooooooo much since our parents were getting married and raising
families, have we "emotionally burdened" ourselves with expectations
about love and relationships based on a paradigm that might not apply
to our culture/lifestyles any longer?  If you take a look at what the
"norm" was when folks my age (35 years) and older or a few years younger
were growing up, you'd find mothers who stayed at home outnumbering
the moms who worked by a very large margin, even including professional
women with careers.  Now how many women stay home with their children
and don't work today?  And more importantly... how many who have the
choice to stay home if they can afford it do so anyway?  Some recent
statistics indicate most women would still work to keep their careers
(as well as their brains) alive, even if they could financially swing
being a full-time mother.  This cannot be overlooked.  Women are now
playing a different role in society than they have in the past.  Very
few women are willing to change their lives or relocate or reduce their
focus on their careers in order to have a relationship with someone.
I'm a prime example.  I've worked too hard and too long to give up
what I have now to travel to the other side of the planet for "true
love."  I wouldn't expect him to give up his career goals and come back
to the states for me, and he wouldn't expect me to do the same.  So
the end result of this is... the relationship automatically defaults to
only going so far.  And this isn't an uncommon thing these days.
Women have learned through the years that even if they don't care about
having a professional career, they know that there are no guarantees
that they will be provided for by their mates for the rest of their
lives.  So they/we have learned to take care of ourselves first.  And
now discrimination for potential mates becomes more strict.  We aren't
willing to "give up" as much and as quickly as in the past.  We don`t
go to college to find husbands anymore.  So when true love comes
knockin' at the door... is it any wonder that we aren't so quick to
let him in?  Especially if it means having to give up parts of our
lives in order to be with him? 

Whew!  What all of that was leading to was this:  I'm beginning to see
within myself some kind of conditioning taking place.  I catch myself
lamenting to friends about "not finding anyone to be with" and on and
on.  What I'm beginning to realize is that love *is* there in my life,
I don't live in a vaccuum, and if I were willing to drastically change
my life as my mother did and her mother and so on, then I would be
with someone today, and would have been years ago.  But because I do
not wish to make the sacrifices that women made years prior (and they
did make them, even though we don't see that readily because they had
fewer options to begin with for how to live their lives), the selection
of men to choose from for potential mates becomes drastically smaller.
*If* I'm willing to change my goals, etc, to be with someone, then I
know someday in the near future, I'll be with someone.  Otherwise, I
have to wait for someone who's in my "backyard" so to speak, and who
wants to be going down the same path.  And with such diversity and
mobility these days in professions, certain geographical locations for
certain types of jobs (i.e., Silicon Valley)... it shouldn't surprise
us that we can't play the love connection game with the same rules that
our parents played with.  The rules for living overall have changed...
but we expect the rules for loving to be the same.  I don't think we
can do that anymore.  The planet's changing too rapidly for that.  And
in order to stay sane, I think the wise individual in search of romance
has to change as well.

What are the solutions/answers to this?  I don't know... that's why I'm
still single.  The only thing I've been able to do to help keep my
sanity regarding this issue is to keep constantly reminding myself that
I'm not my mother and my life is different.  I choose to be independent
and do for myself first, and to live where I choose to live.  I'm teaching
myself to expect more from myself regarding self-love, and to fully
enjoy and appreciate my friends and folks like y'all here on ARC to
help "fill that void" that my childhood conditioning has taught me to
expect, i.e., Prince Charming, Devoted Husband, et al. who has yet to
waltz into my life.  I remind myself when I see friends or co-workers
who are married or living long-term with someone that my life isn't any
less wonderful because I don't have someone to share it with every day
under the same roof.  I gently remind myself that I'm working on the
life that I know does make me happy, and if I want that "special someone"
to be living with me more so, then something else has to give.  I do
believe that expecting to "have it all" these days is expecting too
much, and that finding a relationship like my sister or Julie and Steve
have is like winning the lottery.  If I'm lucky and I find it, then life
is that much sweeter.  But if I don't, then I'll be happy and content
with what I've worked so hard for to give to Judi.  And if I don't do
this, then I should give up my life to the nearest Forest Lawn plot right
away.