HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: erikm@microsoft.com (Erik Madsen)
Subject: Not Raising Hogs
Date: 20 Aug 92 21:56:34 GMT
Organization: Microsoft Corporation


[ed. note: I can't remember if I snagged this from rec.humor, or if it
was sent to me at work - apologies if you've  seen it before!]


The following letter, reprinted with permission from the Herbal
Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539),
was received by the Secretary of Agriculture.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for
$1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer
not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't riased.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year
when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs.

If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring
in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane
I've been wanting.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed
the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send
me any information your department has on this program, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food
stamps.

Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the
coming election.

Patriotically yours,
    Just Waiting In Iowa

PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
surplus cheese?
From: georgel@ferrari.esd.sgi.com (george lin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Wanted: Hitchhikers Guide to the Net
Date: 21 Aug 92 15:51:56 GMT
Reply-To: georgel@ferrari.esd.sgi.com (george lin)
Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc., Mountain View, CA, USA


In article <1992Aug20.125926.7626@spuddy.uucp>, baldric@spuddy.uucp
(Stuart Tares) writes:
|> 
|> I remember reading a rip-off of The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy called
|> The HitchHikers Guide to the Net (I think).  Does any one have a copy
of this
|> that they could either mail to me or post to the newsgroup ??
|>
|> Thanks in advance.
|>
|> Stuart


me too!  i want a copy



My name is Elmer J Fudd -- millionaire; |  george lin
I own a mansion and a yacht.            |  silicon graphics
  - Bugs Bunny                          |  415/390.5182
----------------------------------------+-------------------+
From: ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: ~~~~ BABIES, CONTAGIOUS & LOLLIPOPS ~~~~
Date: 19 Aug 92 10:42:32 GMT
Organization: Control Data Systems Inc., London, UK.
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL3

andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon) writes:
: In article <1992Aug15.044612.22906@afit.af.mil> jholtgra@afit.af.mil (Jeremy C. Holtgrave) writes:
: >In article <1992Aug11.130531.2855@apricot.co.uk> steve@apricot.co.uk (Steve Flavell) writes:
: >>aa395@yfn.ysu.edu (Perry Tarantine) writes:
: >>
: >>
: >>>What's a Lada?
: >>>-- 
: >>>Perry Tarantine  aa395  /*/       ///     /*/ Amiga: Computer for the
: >>>SysOp of the RPG Sig   /*/       ///     /*/     Creative Mind.
: >>>Type "Go RPG" and     /*/    \\\///     /*/No. 1 complaint of comic strip chars
: >>>Join the Adventure   /*/      \XX/     /*/     "I don't have thumbs!"
: >>
: >>A Lada is a Russian car which is very outdated and is the butt of many jokes
: >>here in the UK because it looks like a square box.
: >>
: >>Hope this helps.
: >
: >What's "UK"?
: >
: 
: Its the samll country that won both World Wars by its self (almost)
: 
Suggest you check your History Books (ie. someone like AJP Taylor)
Its a small country that got involved in 2WW's. 
- Doubt we were in a very fit state to finish them!
Or maybe this is just another attempt at a wind-up?
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 19 Aug 92 18:12:38 GMT
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada

What about a name that will be either down or up the day the computer will
be out of service?

Try to predicate next new country that would appear at that moment,
or a kind of music that will fade with your machine,
or a popular movie that will have a sequal at that time,
or a TV show that have its 500th show or something like that.
etc. etc.

In other word, try to be a wizard!

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Genealogiste officiel : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Barthelemy Jarret (1471) -> Andre Jarret, sieur de Beauregard (1665)
\_.-===   -> Denis Beauregard (1992)                  Opinions ? Et pis non !
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: pat@rousku.kau.vtt.fi (Pasi Antero Tervonen)
Subject: Re: ASCII Pics
Organization: Technical Research Centre of Finland, Machine Automation
	Laboratory
	<1992Aug19.101046.25475@email.tuwien.ac.at>
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 16:49:50 GMT


   pt@geovision.gvc.com (Paul Tomblin) writes:
   :                              _  
   :                             | \
   :                            _|  \______________________________________
   :                           - ______        ________________          \_`,
   :                         -(_______            -=    -=        USAF       )
   :                                  `--------=============----------------`
   :                                            -   -
   :                                           -   -
   :                                `   . .  -  - o<
   :                              o<=.*` .* ;`*,`.,  =
   :                                 o`, ,`.*.*. * =>o
   : __________________________________*  * ` ^ *____________________________
   :            IRAQ
   : 
   : B52 BUFF (contributed by Mary Shafer shafer@skipper.dfrf.nasa.gov, from
   :           a signature by rutgers!faatcrl!jimb)

>  Very nice, but this guy forgot to draw the british soldiers that were killed
>  in the bombing... 

 Ok, I add 'em.
--
*   Pasi Tervonen               ****************       :  " No thanks,    
*   Insin`o'`o'rinkatu 60 B 73  *pat@kau.vtt.fi*  =8^) :   I got me own "
*   SF-33720 Tampere            *  931-163641  *       :      Smiley
*   Finland                     ****************       : in Ford Fairlane
From: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu (lawrence finkel cis stnt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: nursery rhymes
Date: 20 Aug 92 18:09:07 GMT
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J.

In article <1992Aug20.114902.23303@dxcern.cern.ch> ashok@regulus.Inria.Fr (Ashok Kumar) writes:
>
>Mary had a little sheep
>With the sheep she went to sleep
>The sheep turned out to be a ram
>Mary had a little lamb.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey.
When along came a spider
who sat down beside her
And Muffy stomped the little bastard with her combat boots.

Mary Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells
and cockle shells
And a row of fuckin' petunias.

Wee Willie Winkie
Played with his dinkie.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
Then she found out about NORPLANT
now once again she can screw.

Rub a dub dub
three men in a tub.
A butcher ,
a baker, 
and some other faker
with a candle up his ass.

Little Jack Horner
sat in the corner
eating his pumkin pie.
He stuck in his thumb 
and pulled out a plum
and said "What the fuck is this shit doing in pumkin pie?"

Hickory dickory dock
Come here and sit on my cock,
I dont think its dead
if you rub its bald head
it soon will be hard as a rock.


-- 
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
#                     Lawrence Finkel: lxf8351@hertz.njit.edu                 #
#   "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."   #
#-----------------------------------------------------------------------------#
From: beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes
Date: 13 Aug 92 02:34:48 GMT
Organization: Institut de recherche d'Hydro-Quebec, Varennes, Canada

In article <1992Aug10.125727.6248@geovision.gvc.com> pt@geovision.gvc.com writes:
>beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard) writes:
>
>>But, do you know what means the word Canada?  It is from Spanish 
>>Aca Nada : nothing there!
>
>I thought only ignorant Americans believed that one.  Champlain named Canada
>long before any Spaniards got this far north.  It comes from the Mohawk
>word 'Kanata', meaning "huts" or "village".

Paul, where is your sense of humor?

And your sense of history?  It was Cartier in 1535, not Champlain.  And it
was from a Huron word, not a Mohawk (while I agree Huron and Mohawk
languages where somewhat similar).

>
>Probably the last time anybody in Quebec actually listened to a Mohawk.
>:-)

From a paper published this week : 77% of Quebec Natives are educated
in there language, against 42% in Ontario.  Moreover, in 1535, Cartier
was a French.  Finally, a Mohawk living in Quebec will probably listen
some other Mohawk.

>
>As the flyer for the Championat Quebecouis de Course de Orientation said:
This sentence just means nothing in French and it is absolutely
not understandable (Course de Orientation would be a Direction Race!)

>"Come see the Oka Golf Course - 9 holes and _staying_ that way!"

>(I apologize for any french misspelling - at least you didn't have to hear
>how bad my pronunciation is!)

Great!  You're of the kind of Canadians that help Quebec nationalism to grow!

>Paul Tomblin, pt@geovision.gvc.com or {uunet,revcan}!geovision!pt

Ob Joke:
Why does the Bald Indian (Native) always keep his wig at home?
To keep his wig wa'm (warm).

-- 
  \_\    Denis Beauregard  *  internet:beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca
 /   \   Genealogiste officiel : Beauregard/Jarret/Jarest/Vincent
J   __>  Barthelemy Jarret (1471) -> Andre Jarret, sieur de Beauregard (1665)
\_.-===   -> Denis Beauregard (1992)                  Opinions ? Et pis non !
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Need wedding toasts/jokes (some included)
From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona)
Date: 12 Aug 92 22:19:22 GMT
Organization: gte

In article <1992Aug5.133017.583@skitzo.dseg.ti.com>, hutto@skitzo.dseg.ti.com writes:
> 
> I need some humorous (preferably clean) toasts and/or practical jokes to be
> played at weddings.  Any regular jokes on the subject will be welcomed also.
> A friend is getting married this weekend (8/8) so I would apreciate ideas to
> be sent by Friday (8/7).

Well, I just saw this today (8/12), but what the heck, this is kinda funny:

Friend of Groom: "(Groom's Name), a toast to your new bride who has 
everything ... except for good taste in men!"

(Original, by me, for a friend who wanted to insult his brother
at the wedding -- I think he used it)


-- 
"25 States allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with
no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy.  However, 4 out of 5 US murders are 
committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?"   -  Andrew Ford
gtephx!forda@enuucp.eas.asu.edu  OR  !uunet!samsung!romed!enuucp!gtephx!forda
From: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM (Fil Feit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Another Talking Parrot
Date: 17 Aug 92 16:52:41 GMT
Reply-To: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM
Organization: Sun Microsystems

A minister is willed a parrot from one of his parishoners.  The
minister is glad to have the bird, except the bird can only say
"Let's screw! Let's screw!"

Naturally, this annoys the minister, especially when company comes
over and the bird is in the next room yelling, "Let's screw! Let's 
screw!"

One day, the minister is visiting one of his flock, and he sees that
they have a similar parrot, except their parrot only says, "Let's pray!
Let's pray!"  He figures, this is what he needs to teach his parrot, and
asks to borrow the bird for a few days.

He walks into his house with the new bird, and she calls out "Let's pray!
Let's pray!"  His bird responds, "Let's screw!  Let's screw!"

The neighbor's bird coos, and says, "ohhhhh.  My prayer's have been answered!"

--f2

------------------------------
  Fan mail from some flounder?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Summary: ping Rebecca.Cheers.xyz.com
Reply-To: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Organization: Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 20:27:32 GMT


	I recently came across a network that was named for 
	TV shows and characters.

	The subnets were called (as far as I remember) :
		Cheers, Twinpeaks, Lalaw, Sesame,.....

	All the nodes on each subnet were named for characters from
	their respective shows. I dealt mainly with the Cheers subnet,
	which had Diane, Rebecca, Sam, Woody, Norm and so on.

		One of the best parts of this was that you could
	"ping Rebecca" ......... ;-)  always a fun thing to do.
	Of course, many folks had their own aliases for ping that
	were a little more imaginative. One of the mildest of these
	aliases was "date = ping",  so the user could "date rebecca".

		Then there were always poor jokes about Sam coming up 
	and Diane going down, or better yet, Sam getting booted by Rebecca,
	presumably for sado-maso folks.

	Prem!

	ps :
		one other place had machines named after sounds.....
		some of them were boom, plop, bzzz, squeak, fizz, 
		ratatat, burp etc. Not my favorite choice though.

		P!
================================================================================
==== WARNING : PLEASE READ THIS IF                                          ====
==== WARNING :             1. You are looking for a job.                    ====
==== WARNING :             2. You do not have a green card or citizenship.  ====
================================================================================
==== If you are without a green card and looking for a job, my advice is to ====
==== steer clear of AGS INFORMATION SERVICES. I had a pretty bad experience ====
==== with regard to my own immigration paperwork, and I strongly suspect    ====
==== that they delay the paperwork to exploit their immigrant workforce.    ====
====                                                                        ====
==== I am not alleging that they do this. However I strongly suspect them   ====
==== of being involved in some shady practice in this regard.               ====
====                                                                        ====
==== Please, please investigate them thoroughly before joining them. Call   ====
==== up people who went through their immigration process and talk to them  ====
==== before you make up your mind. I only want other immigrants to avoid    ====
==== going through the headaches that I had to endure there.                ====
====                                                                        ====
====                                           R. SHIRDI PREM               ====
================================================================================

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel)
Subject: Engineering joke (was something else?!?!)
Organization: The Ohio State University
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 15:25:59 GMT

The way I heard that 69 joke was:

q: What's the square root of -69?  (reads minus 69)

a: i8 something

Or for electrical engineers: j8 something, which is rather
less humorous.
From: praveen@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Praveen Chandra)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: JOKE MAILING LIST
Date: 18 Aug 1992 18:47:44 -0500
Organization: Kansas State University
NNTP-Posting-Host: matt.ksu.ksu.edu

Please add my name to the list too... Appreciate it!!

thanks....

praveen@matt.ksu.edu
Xref: sparky rec.humor:26663 alt.politics.clinton:2427 talk.politics.guns:19761
From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.guns
Subject: Re: Guns don't kill ...
Date: 20 Aug 92 12:24:03 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Ohio University School of Art. Athens

In article <1992Aug18.185817.25515@cbfsb.cb.att.com> osan@cbnewsb.cb.att.com (Mr. X) writes:

>	PS, any of you have any opinions on someone starting law school at 34?

Why not, I knew a guy who became a male prostitute at 36.


-- 
*********************************************
*    bob church                             *
*    bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu           *
*    D-8195 NFS #27                         *
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ae642@yfn.ysu.edu (Kelley Miller)
Subject: Re: The "education"party needs educating!
Reply-To: ae642@yfn.ysu.edu (Kelley Miller)
Organization: St. Elizabeth Hospital, Youngstown, OH
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 18:57:25 GMT


In a previous article, b473dg@tamuts.tamu.edu (Dilawar Grewal) says:

>Houston Chronicle, Tuesday, Aug. 18, 1992. Page 1
>
>Bush's `steady hand' praised by Reagan
>--------------------------------------
>
>"We know George Bush," Reagan said. "he is trustworthy and level-headed
>leader who is respected around the world. His is a steady hand on the tiller
>through the choppy water's of the 90's, which is exactly what we need. 
>We need George Bush."
>
>--------------------------------------------
>
>Hand on the tiller through choppy waters??????????????? NO WONDER THE 
>REPUBLICANS ARE SINKING. Somebody tell them tillers are meant to be
					     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^					
>used on land, not on water!!!!
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>ONLY RONNIE, ONLY RONNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>-d.
>
Er...

While I agree with the sentiment, a tiller is the control arm for the rudder
on smaller boats....

:-)
-- 
*...your Friendly Neighborhood Atheist // "Peter...PETER!!  I can see    *
*      the KelleyMan:Kelley L. Miller // your house from here!"          *    
*                  ae642@yfn.ysu.edu // Jesus Christ, from the cross     *
****************Know God...No peace.  No God...Know peace.****************
From: rjnipl@dc.luth.se (Ryszard Nipl)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Not funny, if "(good) Irish Joke"
Summary: Irish joke, national jokes
Keywords: national jokes, Irish joke
Date: 17 Aug 92 08:52:36 GMT
Organization: University of Lulea, Sweden

>From: ITB650REID@redgum.qut.edu.au (The Great Fodd)
>Date: 16 Aug 92 23:10:57 GMT

>Two Irish blokes were driving from Toowoomba to Brisbane when,

Why not: Texanese, Australians, Swedes, Poles or other bastards?

>they came upon a bridge with a sign reading....

>"Low Clearance : 2 Metres"

>Anyway, being unsure about the height of their truck, they stopped,
>got out and measured it.

>Sure enough, the truck measure 2.10 metres....

>They looked at each other for a while and then one exclaimed,

>"Let's go for it ! There's no cops around...."

------

I met something like it  last year. It was  in Oulu (Finland). Our bus
with height about 2.20 metres had passed through a brigde construction
with clearance declared as  2.0 metres. It  is a question  of limit of
tolerance or permissible  variation. But  cops?, they  can think quite
different...

I do not know, is it funny?

=============================================================================|
|  The Great Fodd                       |                                    |
|  itb650reid@qut.edu.au                |    Pssst......                     |
|   isb202reid@qut.edu.au               |     Wanna buy a _slightly_ used    |
|    n1019031@water.fit.qut.edu.au      |      .sig ????                     |
==============================================================================

Ryszard
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryszard Jan Nipl
----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Lulea University of Technology,   Division of Mineral Processing
  postal address:                   S - 951 87  Lulea, Sweden
  phone:    +46 920 916 93          telex: 80447 LUHS
  telefax:  +46 920 911 99          internet: rjnipl@mop.luth.se
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gjs@aber.ac.uk (Gary John Salter)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Bathroom humor
Date: 12 Aug 92 12:51:53 GMT
Organization: University of Wales, Aberystwyth

Seen on a toilet wall.

When this tiolet cleaner finally dies,
he will find erected in the skies,
a tribute to his glorious wit,
a monument of solid shit.

Any other toilet poetry anyone?

Gaz
From: adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Lose Weight
Date: 19 Aug 92 16:57:25 GMT
Organization: Dept of Computer Science, Heriot-Watt University, Scotland

In article <N0iePB1w164w@opus.mcds.com>, speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers) writes:
>   A friend of mine is trying to lose some weight and would
> like some encouragement in the form of jokes about being,
> well, a bit overweight.  So, BRING ON THE WEIGHT JOKES!

According to the Theory of Relativity, if an object moves its mass increases.
The faster it moves, the heavier it gets.

This may explain the condition of some of the characters from "Star Trek".


This sort of joke is not Politically Correct, so to make amends, here is a
new Politically Correct term:

Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.

-- 
 "Keyboard?  How quaint!" - M. Scott

 Adrian Hurt			     |	JANET:  adrian@uk.ac.hw.cs
 UUCP: ..!uknet!cs.hw.ac.uk!adrian   |  ARPA:   adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk
From: svb@svb.guug.de (Sebastian v. Bomhard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Lawyer jokes
Date: 12 Aug 92 18:29:14 GMT
Organization: Brodersen + Bomhard GmbH

In article <1992Aug9.191853.27112@athena.mit.edu> njblock@athena.mit.edu (Ned Block) writes:
[ jokes deleted ]
>Three friends, an architect, a lawyer and a veterinarian (sp?) were all arguing
                                             ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That's why Americans call them "vets" :-)

No offense intended,

  -svb.

-- 
Sebastian v. Bomhard  <svb@guug.de>,        Brodersen & Bomhard GmbH
 >>>> UNIX/Datenbanken/Netzwerke: Planung/Loesungen/Schulungen <<<<
St.-Anna-Str. 13, D-W-8000 Muenchen 22 (Lehel),        +49-89-298934
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dhanwada@IASTATE.EDU (Chalapathy Dhanwada)
Subject: Re: .ASCII PICS.
Reply-To: dhanwada@IASTATE.EDU (Chalapathy Dhanwada)
Organization: Iowa State University
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1992 06:23:18 GMT

In article <1992Aug22.195205.16190@klaava.Helsinki.FI>,
pemakine@klaava.Helsinki.FI (Pekka Makinen) writes:
> 
>  In <92235.113757ISSJXS@BYUVM.BITNET> 
>  ISSJXS@BYUVM.BITNET writes : 
> ->
> ->   I'm looking for pictures in ascii code.
> ->If you have any please send me a copy.
> 
>        OK, for starters this is an ASCII picture of a dot:  .
> 
> 
> -- 
> (   Pekka Makinen, Dept. of Med. Chem., University of Helsinki, Finland    )
> (pemakine@cc.helsinki.fi pemakine@serifos.helsinki.fi pemakine@finuh.bitnet)
> (         No opinions - no disclaimer - no money - no fun. Fiat lux.       )

Next, of a Smiling face:   :)
Newsgroups: rec.humor