From: veburst@contra.enet.dec.com (KSV)
Subject: Suggestions needed....
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 08:01:27 GMT


I'd like your opinions, folks... this is a difficult situation for me and 
I'm somewhat at a loss about where to go from here.

I'll start off by giving a bit of background....

I'm 30 years old.  I was married for 8 years and have an almost 10-year old 
daughter.  I was mistreated emotionally and physically in my marriage and 
it unfortunately has left me with a fair amount of emotional scars and 
distrust in general.

My very best friend in the world is a 21 year old male.  I've never been so 
close (emotionally) as I am with him (not even with my ex).  I can honestly
say he is the only male that I trust implicitly never to brutalise me or
humiliate me the way my ex-husband did.  He has always treated me with
kindness, love, respect and tenderness. 

I've known him for about 2 1/2 years now and we've had several serious 
discussions about 'us'.  To the general population, we're 'just friends'... 
very best of friends, but still just friends.  I've loved this guy for 
almost 2 years... and I mean deep, all-consuming, I would do anything for 
him love.... He knows how I feel about him and it makes him feel good and 
warm inside.  

He is a fairly religious young man.  I have a pretty strong faith as well.  
We're both Catholic so our upbringing is much the same.  

Now for the problem at hand.... he says he loves me as a friend but because 
I have a daughter and have been married and divorced, as well as being 9 
years his senior, he "can't" love me.  According to him, it's not a matter 
of wanting to love me, it's a matter of ability to do so because of the 
above-mentioned problems.  Even so, he has done so many things for me that 
'just friends' don't normally do (at least in my experience).

I have *never* clicked with anyone (male or female) as I have with this 
guy... He has said the same about clicking with me... he is everything I
have ever dreamed of having in the love of my life... 

He recently started dating a woman who is 26 years old and lives 10,000
miles away from him. (They met in person when she visited here from
Australia a couple months ago after exchanging mail for about 6 or 7 months
over the network).  She was here for about 6 weeks and they took a couple
trips together (Disney and Niagara Falls).  Within the past few weeks, 
things have more or less been falling apart between them (she hasn't 
written to him in three weeks; he's worried she doesn't love him anymore 
and that he'll never see her again, that she's found someone else, 
forgotten about him, etc...).... I've tried to be there for him, to offer 
him the support he desperately needs to try and get through this, whatever 
the outcome.... I'm finding it very difficult to remain objective with this 
because in a way I'd like nothing more than for them to break up... not 
that it would change anything between him and I at this time, but it would 
definitely relieve some stress...  Whenever he gets down/depressed over 
missing her and such, I hold him... when he starts to tell me various 
things about what he down about, I end up feeling really sad and yes, 
jealous too, because this gal who lives 10,000 miles away is able to have 
the type of relationship with him that I've hoped and prayed I'd be able 
to have with him someday.

I guess what I don't understand is why is it that loving someone who has a 
kid and was married is an insurmountable problem, but loving someone who 
lives 10,000 miles away that you'll only see a couple times a year for 2 or 
3 weeks at a time is okay and surmountable?  Is it an age/maturity thing?  
Is it something he'll 'grow out of'?  I've tried so hard to let him go... 
to just be his friend... to stuff my own feelings for him... I even succeed 
at stuffing my feelings sometimes... but there are so many other times when 
all I want is for him to hold me and cry my eyes out because I love him so 
much and he "can't" return the love.

Maybe I'm just completely stupid in hoping that some day he'll get over the 
marriage/kid thing and will be able to love me fully... so many things he 
does even now feels so much like love... i.e. we sit down to watch 
a movie at my place; he holds my hand or cuddles with me... when we're in 
the car together, he holds my hand while one of us is driving (depending 
on whose car we're in)... he buys me things that 'boyfriends' buy for their 
girlfriends... he hugs me and holds me and kisses my cheek when we say 
goodbye for the day or night... we've slept in the same bed (nothing has 
happened) and he's waken me with a soft kiss on the cheek or a gentle 
caress...

I've had a couple of friends tell me to just forget about him and move 
on or that we've known each other this long and if anything was going to 
happen (more than friendship) between us, it would have already happened...

How do you stop loving someone you see almost every day and who hasn't done 
anything wrong?????  I don't want to stop loving him... I don't want to say 
a final goodbye to him because even based on friendship alone, he's the 
best thing that's ever happened to me... I don't want to lose our 
friendship or our closeness but I don't know how to stop the deeper 
feelings from seeping in and making me sad that we don't have more....

Suggestions?  Opinions?  Should I take a long walk off a short pier?  
Should I follow my heart and keep hoping that something will change and bring
us together?

Please either respond here or by email to veburst@contra.enet.dec.com
Thanks....

-- KSV