From: syspb@smartstar.com (Paul)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Jokes to offend almost everybody (repost, these aren't my jokes)
Date: 3 Sep 92 18:49:04 GMT
Organization: none

I saw these jokes on the net a few months ago.  Due to the lack of humor
in the past few weeks, I thought it would be a good time to repost it.
Note: These jokes are supposed to offend everyone equally.  If I left
out any particluar group, let me know, so I can offend you too.
________________________________________________________________________

JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
   ...Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow-job.

2. What do you call a female clown?
   ...A Clunt.

3. Did you here about the Irishman who was asked to be a Jehovah Witness?
   ... He refused because he hadn't seen the accident.

4. How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
   ...Blow a boogie in it.

5. Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
   ...He was caught drinking on the job?

6. What is the definition of a perfect woman?
   a)	She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is
	flat so you can put a glass on it.
   b)	The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.
   c)	The economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast
	beef sandwich and a six pack.

7. Why does Ray Charles smile all the time?
   ...Because he doesn't know he's black.

8. Did you hear about the queer Indian?
   ...He jumped into his canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake.

9. Did you hear about the queer burglar?
   ...He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator.

10. How do you get four poofs on a bar stool?
    ...Turn it upside down.

11. Why don't black Cheerleaders do the splits?
    ...If they did they would stick to the floor.

12. Why do blacks wear wide-brimmed hats?
    ...To keep the birds from shitting on their lips.

13. Why do blacks wear platform shoes?
    ...To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

14. What do elephants use for tampons?
    ...Sheep.

15. How do you say "FUCK YOU" in jewish?
    ...Trust me.

16. Define Jewish foreplay?
    ...Two hours of begging.

17. Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
    ...Because they can't get their heads in the jar.

18. What do you do in the case of fallout?
    ...Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

19. Why don't Italians eat fleas?
    ...Because they can't get their little legs apart.

20. Why did God make urine yellow and semen white?
    ...So an Irishman could tell if he's coming or going?

21. How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant?
    ...Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

22. What has six legs and eats pussy?
    ...You, me, and Billy Jean King.

23. What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
    ...Slow natives.

24. What's better that roses on your piano?
    ...Two lips on your organ.

25. What do get if you cross a black with a gorilla?
    ...A dumb gorilla.

26. What does it say inside a black's lip?
    ...Inflate to 20 pounds.

27. Did you hear about the new Irish parachute?
    ...It opens on impact.

28. Why do Brixton coons have such small steering wheels?
    ...So they can drive with the handcuffs on.

29. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
    ...A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

30. Why do Jews have such big noses?
    ...Air is free.

31. Why did the Pakistani trade in his wife for an outhouse?
    ...Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

32. What did Adam say to Eve?
    ..."Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

33. What goes into thirteen twice?
    ...Roman Polanski.

34. Why don't Italians have freckles?
    ...They slide off.

35. What do have when you're up to your ankles in blacks?
    ...Afro-Turf.

36. What's old, wrinkled, and smells like Ginger Rogers'.
    ...Fred Astaire's face.

37. Why don't they have any black snow skiers?
    ...Because their lips explode at 1,000 feet.

38. Why don't they let Pakistanis swim in Lake Windermere?
    ...Because they'd leave a ring.

39. Where is an elephant's sex organ?
    ...In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.

40. What's black and white, and has three eyes?
    ...Sammy Davis Jnr. and his wife.

41. How may blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
    ...Five. One to change the bulb, the other four to hold the sound system.

42. Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and West Indian girls alike?
    ...They both change their pads after three periods.

43. What do get if you cross a black with a monkey?
    Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a black.

44. Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
    ...Because Ronny can only fuck up.

45. Why did God create the ograsm?
    ...So blacks would know when to stop fucking.

46. What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
    ...Sicily.

47. Why don't they have icecubes in Ireland?
    ...They lost the recipe.

48. What's a real mate?
    ...Someone who'll go into town and get two blow-jobs, then come back and
       give you one.

49. What's red and white and makes you laugh?
    ...A bus loaded with Pakistanis going over a cliff.

50. Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
    ...He's all-right now.

51. How do save a drowning black?
    ...Throw him an anchor.

52. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
    ...Gifted.

53. Why do women have two holes so close together?
    ...In case you miss.

54. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?
    ...A tourist.

55. Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
    ...100 ways to wok your dog.

56. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
    ...If she farts, her ankles swell.

57. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
    ...Look for dandruff on her shoes.

58. Why don't blacks drive convertibles?
    ...Their lips would flap in the wind and slap them to death.

59. What's the definition of mass confusion?
    ...Father's Day in Brixton.

60. What's the ultimate rejection?
    ...When you're wanking and your hand falls asleep.

61. How do you tell how may Pakistanis live in a town?
    ...Count the windows of the cellars and multiply by 36.

62. How do you kill a West Indian?
    ...Smash the toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water.

63. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
    ...He breaks his nose.

64. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway?
    ...It depends on how thin you slice them.

65. What's the difference between a coloured girl and a ten-pin bowling ball?.
    ...You can only stick three fingers into a bowling ball.

66. What do lesbians like more than Levis jeans?.
    ...Billy Jean's.

67. How do you tell when a barman is pissed off?
    ... You find a string in your Bloody Mary.

68. Do you know how to save a drowning black?.
    ...No?..Good.

69. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
    ...Do you think they could fit all that shit into a tennis shoe?

70. What's the hardest thing about a sex-change operation?
    ...Inserting the anchovies.

71. Did you hear about Klu Klux Knieval?
    ...He tried jumping over 8 blacks with a steamroller.

72. How does God make Puerto-Ricans?
    ...He sand blasts blacks.

73. Did you hear about the homosexual who left home?
    ...He didn't like the way his family was rearing him.

74. Why don't blacks have cheque books?
    ...Because it's hard to sign your name with spray-paint.
    ...Banks don't accept finger prints.

75. What is organic dental floss?
    ...Pubic hair.

76. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
    ...A chain of empty stores?

77. Why do black people smell so bad?
    ...So blind people can hate them too.