From: davidr@pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu (David Rostcheck)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: hello
Date: 12 Aug 92 15:50:50 GMT
Organization: Ohio State University; Physics Department

I thought I'd comment on Jeffrey's message (hi, Jeffrey) because it
raises some good questions and sets the stage for a point I want to
make. There's been a great deal of discussion recently about
definitions: what is and isn't polyamory. Jeffrey is having a
happy relationship with two women and faces these issues:

>Now I am faced with the task of explaining this relationship to
>[people] ....
>I am perfectly happy to just live the way I have been
>and not define what I am doing, but I must answer those that I
>care about when they ask. 

Nope. You don't have to explain yourself at all, or answer to anyone.
You're happy. Your feelings require no justification. It's a mistake
to try to reconcile what you feel with a social classification,
because the classification may not really suit you.  You start with
your feelings, understand them and be comfortable with them. You, your
feeling, and the people you care about are the important things.
You're getting in this unnatural, inverted position of trying to
explain yourself. You don't have to explain yourself to the world. You
just are, and your relationship just is. If other people want to
understand it, then you try to explain to them in basic terms what you
feel, and that you're happy. Specifically:

> What is Polamory vs Polyfidelity?
They're words. Just words. Don't get lost in the jargon. If you find
these terms helpful in describing you and your love, use them. You
make labels, they don't make you. It's a mistake for everyone to argue
and try to define polyamory. It means different things to different
people, just like love. It just generally deals with loving other
people. 

> What tactics would you suggest I use when asked, 'what the hell are
> you doing (with my daughter)?' 
That's a rather rude question. The only response a question like that
deserves is "Would you please rephrase that in a less offensive way?"
A daughter isn't a car. Daughters are people. People can't be owned.
They fought a war over that 100 years ago (we won). 

> What (IYO) the hell AM I doing?
What you want to do, and what makes you and the people you love happy.
And you're doing a good job :)

> Could you offer some commentary on Creche vs. free form?
Words again. Remember that the words are tools you use to explain your
ideas. Start with the idea and then shape words that describe your
idea. 

Here's how I'd deal with some specific questions:

:Are you seeing my daughter or this other girl?
I'm seeing them both.

:So you're cheating on her?
No. They both know; we're all friends and we're happy that way.

:Well, which do you love?
I love them both.

:Which do you love more?
I don't understand the question. They're different people. How do you
measure? 

:Why don't you commit to one of them?
Why can't I commit to both of them?

See? You don't have to bend over backwards to express yourself in
their terms. They may have to learn your terms to understand you.
You're not the one who doesn't understand; they have to put in the
work to comprehend you. Remember, the three of you have something that
comes naturally and feels right for you; whether or not other people
get it is a secondary issue. As long as you do what you want you'll be
happy. 

Does that help any?


--
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=davidr@pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Marley was a Rasta; Moses was a Jew; Jesus was an outlaw, just like
me & you. Let love be our religion; until this life is through, the
next best thing to heaven is a sinful life with you." -T3             
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory