From: susan@solace.me.uiuc.edu (Susan Wrightson)
Subject: Re: A Progression of Sorts
Keywords: Maturation
Organization: U of I Dept. of Mech. and Ind. Engr., Urbana, Ill.
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1992 20:52:44 GMT

In article <kuj61aINNjst@girtab.usc.edu> jodar@girtab.usc.edu (Nicholas Jodar) writes:
>In article <1992Apr11.135035.19619@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu> karleen sue davis <ksdavis@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> writes:
>
>>... and how do I change the relationship I'm in?  (In case
>>you're thinking of advising me to break up, I should tell you that he's the
>>sweetest, most loveable guy I ever met.  I know he's "the one," but NOT YET!
>>I want to be young some more--let me finish puberty, at the very least... ;-)
>>
>>Karleen
>

I think this happens with a lot of relationships (the feeling that "this
is the one, but NOT YET!") and what makes or breaks the relationship
depends on how the two people involved handle this -- a lot of people
will go "dashing in" and end up pushing the relationship away.


>It's not the relationship you have to change, I don't think.  You
>just need to give yourself a chance to grow up.  (BOTH of you....)
>You talk about it, and I think you're absolutely right in your
>assessment.  Being 'attached at the hip,' and not having 'any
>friends to speak of' is a good indication that neither of you has
>much of a life apart from each other.
>

You are absolutely right.  The best relationships are where people
are NOT "attached at the hip" and where both people maintain their
identities.  I've been "attached at the hip" a few times and didn't 
realize how dependent I'd become, until I got unattached.  The 
relationship I'm currently in isn't like that at all -- I have more
close female friends now than I've ever had, I'm more independent
than I've ever been, and it really feels right.

>There's nothing wrong with being 'close,' but each of you is an
>individual, and should work at being 'complete' outside of your
>relationship.  In Romance, one and one make one, not one-half 
>and one-half....

Sometimes it is hard to find a balance there.  Interestingly enough,
the more "complete" one feels outside the relationship, the more 
comfortable being "close" feels!  Another recent discovery of mine.

>
>The trick is to grow TOGETHER instead of apart.  You'll both be
>learning more about yourselves and each other, and it's important
>to talk and keep the other person involved in your life.  
>(There's that 'C' word, again...!)  Just avoid the Mommy/Daddy
>syndrome.  You're supposed to be each other's Cheerleaders, not
>Parents.  (One set is enough....)
>
>You'll know you're on the right track when you have friends,
>hobbies, and interests which are not dependent upon your
>relationship, and you feel independent and competent as a person.
>Your relationship should also improve in its quality in response 
>to the new depth of your personalities. :-)
>

YES!


>It's going to be an interesting and challenging undertaking, but
>if you guys stick together and support each other, GOD willing, 
>you'll do great. :-)
>
>-Nick


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| Susan Wrightson                         "And there you are, Fast  |
| Academic Advisor                         Eddie, with lust in your |
| Mech. and Ind. Engineering               soul when I want you     |
| susan@solace.me.uiuc.edu                 thinking pool!"          |
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