From: bradl@informix.com (Brad Levy)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Looking for help
Date: 21 Aug 92 03:04:37 GMT
Organization: Informix Software, Inc.
Originator: bradl@godzilla


In the referenced article frank@rniwi.rni.sub.org (Frank Mogaddedi) 
is suffering woes including marriage breakup and other problems,
and is trying to figure out how to 'look without looking' for romance,
since wisdom has it that you never find it when you are looking for it.
(Hope I've summarized reasonably accurately.)


Having been through somewhat similar circumstances, and feeling just
recently like I've suddenly come out of a dark tunnel and into the
warm sunshine, here's my advice.  How much it applies to you, I don't
know. I've written it as if to myself 6-9 months ago.

Concentrate, not on 'looking for someone', but on taking care of
yourself.  Look for things you can do to feel good about yourself,
and about who you are.  Things that, while they may not be romance,
you can still enjoy doing.  Its not easy.  In my case I struggled with
my work losing the joy it used to bring me.  But I turned to some
activities that I could do completely by myself (photography & camping),
and some that brought me into direct contact with others (contra dancing).

Note that even the photography and camping (which one can do by oneself)
still bring you into contact with others. You meet other campers, you
can share the results of photography with others, etc.

Look over your life for things you've done in the past that you feel good
about.  Maybe things you haven't done in a long time, and had almost
forgotten.  Relish your positive accomplishments.  Get back to where
you accept that you are ok as a person, and that no matter whether you
find someone or not, you can at least feel that you've lived positively,
in congruence with yourself and your beliefs.  That's something noone
can take away from you.  It may be difficult to reach this point, but
when you do, you are no longer desperate; you are admirable, and you
are someone others will want to know.  Its not easy, but I hope this
at least provides some sort of tangible acts you can take.


Know also the freedom from always trying to make sense of the world.
You may (as I was) be painfully aware of your own flaws and shortcomings
right now.  But it is easy to forget that humans are not (always) rational,
linear beings. What we see as a major flaw in ourselves may be seen as
a minor flaw or even an asset by someone else. I continue to be amazed at
how many different ways of looking at things there are in this world, and
how many of these ways seem to coexist at the same time in our culture.

Hope I haven't gotten too far afield for you to make use of.

A last note - for those who aren't familiar with it, contra dancing is
a little like square dancing. Some of the moves are the same, but its
done in long lines.  Usually done to live music, casual dress, beginners
welcome, with an emphasis on community, and no partners necessary. (Plenty
of mixers, and plenty of opportunity for wholesome flirtation ;-)  For
a location near you, post to rec.folk-dancing, or email me. I have a national
directory.  (Tends to be a non-smoking, generally wholesome crowd.)
For the footwork impaired, its also about the easiest dance form I've
encountered.  If I can (and have) become competent at it, just about
anyone can.


Good luck,

- brad  (bradl@informix.com)    All opinions, foolishness, and pitter-
                                patter of the heart expressed here are, of
                                course, my own, not those of my employer.
Newsgroups: alt.romance