HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov (Bob Boyd)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: sinking big time
Date: 8 Sep 92 17:04:26 GMT
Organization: UNISYS/Environmental Protection Agency

anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear) writes:
> 
> 10pm 9-02-92
> 
> Poohbear made a contract with her therapist tonight that she would not
> cut herself or kill herself.  She left for most of the session and got
> the therapist very worried and didn't want poohbear to be able to go
> home.  I hate all this and myself and why the fuck can;t i just get it
> together.  sometimes i have it so together.  therapist (i hate that
> word, does it freak others out that it says the rapist???) also said
> she didn't think starting the semester was good for poohbear.
> 

> just forget it

I really felt somewhat angry and sad when I read this last line.  I'm 
not willing to "forget it" -- and that has a lot to do with choosing to
post my response to you.

Congratulations on working to close your escape hatches!  I'm working with
a couple of my own --and several of my close friends are in the middle
of preparing to close or have just recently closed a hatch.  So far it
looks like there are a couple of things that come up with doing this:

a.  The triggers for thinking about the escape hatch seem to start 
    showing up more and more -- and our resolve is tested.

b.  We begin to open up to and get in touch with the wound/unmet need
    from our childhood that the escape hatch has protected us from.

c.  We become open to the possibility of receiving something that can
    begin to touch the pain of the wound and trigger the healing process
    around that old hurt.  Sometimes this comes in the form of someone 
    in the here & now providing something we missed back then -- it
    doesn't "fix" it -- it does nurture our system and we begin to 
    release the feelings we have held in for so long.  It opens us
    up to letting the hurt and anger flow out and be replaced by
    nurture and healing.

I'd like to offer you something I noticed about your post(s).

I was just noticing how you refer to yourself in the 3rd person in your
post.  This seems really interesting to me, especially since I just
read your post about how much it triggers you when someone else does
this when they refer to you or something you said.  Is this a part of
yourself that you have noticed before?

I see that you are very angry about the effort of the process you are in.
I see that you WANT to get things more together in your life -- and that
you are actively working on finding and healing the broken places inside
that keep driving you into turmoil.  You're really quite amazing -- to
be hurting so much and to find the courage to work so hard to find a
path of healing.

I prefer to think of the people I'm working with as spiritual guides --
they do not "cure" me -- they guide me and show me the path -- along the
path they provide some of the antidotes for the wounds that I've received.
Sometimes they show me the antidotes and I am challenged to reach out and
grasp and apply them.
--

Bob Boyd
In The Here & Now
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne)
Subject: Re: ***SPOILER**** too much, not enough
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 10:14:11 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Hi Brandywine

I am so depressed.  My ex so, who I couldn't let go of, ( one of my
issues) used sex to try and get rid of me. To see how far I would go
to please him and make myself feel dirty. I went farther than I should
have. I hgave him a blow job, which I told him I hated.

He says when I get sane, he might be my friend.


**i wanted to cry when i read this......i know what it's like to have
people take advantage of you this way.... 
When you get sane???  is it sane to use someone and make them do
something you know they don't like?  i don't know anything about your
history but that seems pretty unsane to me.**

I know many of you have supportive So's from reading the posts... but
I don't think I will ever get to that point. I keep going at this
alone, and the point doesn't seem there.

** i know what that feels like**

I can't stand who i am becoming in this. Lost. Again. Will I ever be
able to love freely and be loved back?
I keep looking for someone to love me, truly love me... I have
friends, and I am a friend. but sometimes it just doesn't seem enough.

I want someone to hold me in the dark of the night so the nightmares
will go away
-brandywine

***i feel like this alot of the time also... i don't know really what i
can say to be supportave..except that you're not alone in feeling that
way.
Maybe sometimes we have to learn how to hug ourselves before others
can/will hug us. I don't know if this helped. I wanted you to know that
i understood.***

*hugs if you want them*

Jasmyne



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1217@twwells.com (Adam)
Subject: First Post, Lost Love
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 22:17:02 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


This is my first post here.  I've been reading for about a month,
excluding several weeks spent traveling for business.

I am a gay, male survivor.  Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was in
a committed relationship with another survivor.  

The relationship was a source of support and healing for me.  I have
followed the discussion on being able to say "NO" here with interest
and sadness.  I was able to take care of myself in this relationship.
My partner and I always had constant feedback about our feelings during
lovemaking, and he affirmed me when I felt uncomfortable and needed to
stop.  In the past, I either couldn't speak about my discomfort (I
tend to loose my voice when I slip into abused-caused feelings) and
disassociated (my major coping skill from the past), or did manage
to speak and was ignored.

Now, my partner needs to leave the relationship to grow in areas that
he cannot within it.  I've been doing a lot of grieving.  I feel like
I'll never find the level of safety, support, and love that I have
known with him.  I feel angry at him for leaving.  I feel love for
him and hope he does well with his new growth.  I feel abandoned and
hurt.  

And, I feel alone.  He has been very supportive as I have been working
on my abuse, and now I feel like I don't want to to on with it by
myself.

Sorry to introduce myself on such a down note, but that's where I am
right now.  Thanks to all of those who take the risk and post parts
of themselves here.  I have felt less alone because of it.

Adam



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1055@twwells.com (m&m)
Subject: Re: Talking with my brother
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 15:17:05 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

[Robert talks about how he began discussing family abuse with his 
brother & while his brother acknowledged some of it, he wasn't
really open to hearing much of it]

Its a little different for me cause I was not abused by a family member, but
I was abused by a teacher at a school that both I and my younger brother
attended.  From what I know know I am about 95% convinced that he was also
sexually molested by this teacher.  The teacher was responsible for overseeing
the dorm my brother was staying in & my brother also went "hunting" with him
(a "hunting" trip was when he first molested me :( )

Anyway some time after I began having clear memories of the abuse I called and
told him about it.  He listened and has always been supportive and respectful.
Not condescending but there is a definite limit to his understanding, and I
don't think he's very interested at this time in exploring whether he was
sexually molested or not.

For a long time I didn't want to talk with him cause this stuff was all I 
was thinking about & talking about & I felt uncompfortable talking to him
about it.  After 16 months there's room for other stuff inside me & I feel
a lot more comfortable with my brother and other people who don't know a 
whole lot about sexual abuse.

Fare Well
m&m



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear)
Subject: to jeff sorry for the waste
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 22:16:28 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


I can't write to your email address because it wouldn't be
anonymous and i can't deal with anyone knowing me right now.

there are things i do wish to say but i won't post, so i guess it
is my own decision not to write to you since i don't want my name out.

but if you really wouldn't mind, would you turn on your email?
i am getting a weird vibe that you won't simply because you want me
to tell you who i am and that is scary.  i do not mean to sound
accusing.  i'm just telling you my impression, becaus ei am such a 
pathetically paranoid person.

sorry again for the intrusion to asar
poohbear



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From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Right and wrong---regarding cutting
Date: 5 Sep 92 03:28:31 GMT
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park

I changed the subject line because I know from experience that it can be
frustrating to have your life become a springboard for discussion--mainly
because you can read all those subject headings and get really excited at
the prospect of reading all these choruses of support, only to discover 
that they're not exactly talking about you anymore.

What I want to say is brief, I hope :)

I just want to mention that I've never heard anyone here say that cutting
is wrong.  In fact, those of us trying to offer support have usually been
there to some degree, and we know how damaging the 'cutting is shameful'
sort of statement can be.

What I believe is that someone who is cutting is really looking for something
else but not knowing how to get it.  It works a lot like using sex to fulfill
non-sexual needs.  For many people, cutting can be the closest thing to
nurturing that they can do for themselves.  In a sense, I think I advocate
improvement rather than cessation of cutting--I hope to find for myself
and suggest to others ways to touch myself and affirm that I am alive.

Take care, all

Sherri
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: Thanks for email
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 17:41:56 GMT

Hi y'all,

Thanks to everyone who sent me encouraging email.  Something
seems to be wrong with my mailer (yet again...) and I can't
get mail messages out.  Your mail has been very helpful
though... everyone I see in person seems to want me to go away.
I wanna disappear...  I'm leaving now for the hospital for the test,
wish me luck.

Thanks for the *hugs*

-kk


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: zitsky+@CS.CMU.EDU (Mark Ryan Miller)
Subject: Need advice
Organization: Carnegie Mellon University
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 14:40:29 GMT

Hello all.  I'm here at CMU now and just discovered these newgroups after working all weekend on a class project.  What a reward!

I'm a gay male and was not (sexually) abused as a child, but was verbally and emotionally abused.  However, there was one incident about 6 years ago in which I think I was sexually molested.  Is there an appropriate forum/place to talk about these things.  I've only told one person about it and that was recently.  I feel that I need to talk about, but don't know with whom.

Any advice will be GREATLY appreciated.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: cryst@belay (Crystal Bell)
Subject: OOPs
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
 
        OOPS!!!!!!!! forgive me please I was trying to re-post an article
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 23:21:48 GMT

that didn't make it out last night. and didn't copy it right. 
Ya know it seems like every time I have something important to say Our news 
feed dies AAARRRGH!!!!!!!!

 (The word important is used fairly loosely. I just needed to talk. )

                                        **Crystal**

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: specific request
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 21:12:17 GMT

Hi again,

I am stranded from the outside world, can't even telnet to
another account at the moment, but my posts are showing up, at
least at *my* site.

I have a specific request - could someone please send a message
to ggarner@cicely.jpl.nasa.gov, tell him I'm ok but I'm cut off
at the moment?  Please note : today is Tuesday, so if you are
reading this after Tuesday, please do not bother sending messages!
Please tell him I can receive mail, I just can't get any messages
out...

Thanks, and sorry for wasting bandwidth with this request...

-kk
From: enigma@netcom.Netcom.COM (Enigma)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Tammy Zywicki
Date: 8 Sep 92 04:04:16 GMT
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Service

In article <1992Sep8.010218.7943@news.iastate.edu> TY.AU7@isumvs.iastate.edu (C. MARIE RIGGINS) writes:
	
> I haven't heard anything about the murder of Tammy Zywicki on here.
[description of murder deleted for bandwidth]
>    Sure, don't get into
> someones car unless you know them, but that's not always as simple
> as it seems.  What if whoever killed Tammy had a gun or threatened
> her in some other way?
> I try hard not to be paranoid, but recently I've started having n
> nightmares about watching Tammy's murder but somewhere in the middle
> of the dream Tammy turns into me.
> Had to get that off my chest and see if anyone else had any thoughts
> on the subject.
> Marie

This is the first I've heard of it, but then I don't watch TV.  I
think a little paranoia is a good idea - as you point out, this could
happen to anyone.  There are a lot of things we can do to minimize the
danger, though.  I recently priced cellular phones - you can buy one
for $200-300.  Not sure how much the monthly charges run, but
personally I would only use it to call AAA if my car broke down.  I
think it's really important to have AAA or some other motor club
coverage, someone that will come and tow your car 24 hours a day.  For
those of us that can't afford a cellular phone, a cb radio might be a
good idea - I heard somewhere that the highway police monitor one of
the cb channels.  And of course it's important to have your car tuned
up regularly.

Joanne mentioned something called Model Mugging, and I'm seriously
thinking about checking it out.  I saw an article about it in a
magazine at my chiropractor's office, and it seemed like a hell of
a good idea.  

Another "pet peeve" of mine is high heeled shoes.  If I'm going to
be outside, I want to be wearing shoes I can run in.  I've seen a
lot of women wear high heels at the office, then change to running
shoes at the end of the day for the trip home (of course, I just
wear running shoes all day long, but then I'm a programmer - a lot
of women have to get dressed up for work).

Last week I started to get nervous because I worked late every day,
and after the sun sets the parking lot at work is really *dark*.
There was an attempted mugging a few weeks ago, and I've decided not
take any chances - from now on, if I work past the time the sun goes 
down, I'm going to go out and move my car right in front of the
entrance under the lights.  Paranoid?  I don't care.

Anyway, there's a lot of little ways we can all make ourselves
safer, and I'm really grateful for the reminder.  We're *not*
helpless.
-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)
From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: >Hints for SO's
Date: 11 Sep 92 23:27:53 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4

brandywine writes

> I saved it too, I hope that was okay.

Durn tootin'

>I also sent it, stripped, to my xSO who I had all the problems with
>I felt it might help HIM understand what I was going thru and 
>that I was *NOT* alone in it....

Good.

>but, I probably should have asked first. Sorry.

Nothin' to be sorry about; it was posted for any survivor to use or
not, as they see fit :-)

JASO (Just Another SO)


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat)
Subject: Hello?
Organization: Software Engineering Institute
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:55:56 GMT

Sorry to break into the serious scheme of things with, of all things, 
system problems, but I'm not seeing my own posts on the bboard today.
Are you seeing them or are they falling into a giant electronic black hole?
Strange how small this makes you feel.

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1210@twwells.com
Subject: technical comments 2
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:42:54 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


posted three minutes after the same one to khijol

 
there are two comments I wish to make ...
 
one in reply to Bill about the use of both a ! and @ in the address
khijol!anonasar@saturn.upl.com ...
 
        yes some systems burp at haveing a ! and @ in the address
        ours does but the work around solution to that is to use
        \ before the ! ... works fine for me and has done for a
        while now ...
 
and the second is a question that has been bother me  for some time now.
 
        I can post messages to asar using both anon posting services and there
        is a phenomenal time difference in when my message gets into the asar
        newsgroup ...
        Bill and Ed could you comment on this please.
        From where I am, things posted to khijol get to the newsgroup much
        faster than those posted to twwells.



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From: bear@tigger.cs.Colorado.EDU (Bear Giles)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Self-defense class?
Date: 10 Sep 92 02:13:10 GMT
Organization: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs

I studied Tae Kwon Do for several years, but basically stopped when
I started to remember my abuse.  (A 6'2" high green belt can do a lot
of damage to college freshmen/white belts if he starts to lose it).

I would recommend trying to find a class specializing in survivors.
An undiluted martial arts class may be too intense -- the first few
months aren't too bad, but around a year things become rather surreal :-)

BTW, I would never rely on my martial arts training except in an
emergency,... but it does teach you how to project an attitude which
can make you a far less attractive target.


Bear Giles
bear@fsl.noaa.gov
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: But I love him
Date: 14 Sep 92 18:15:00 GMT
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <BuIwvJ.5Fp@belay>, cryst@belay (Crystal Bell) writes...

>3. There is this guy I know who I really care about. Heck if no-one takes it
>the wrong way you could almost say that I love him in a very special way. 
>About a year ago he was raped. Now I suppose all you cynics out there are 
>saying that it is not possible to rape a guy right? I knew because that's
>what everyone else I've mentioned this to said. It is possible for a guy
>to get an erection no matter how much he doesn't want to if you so the right
>things to him. 

I probably should apologize to men everywhere.  Until I started dealing 
with my own issues, I was one of those people who said men couldn't be 
raped.  I now understand how it could and does happen.  I mean, I felt so 
guilty for getting aroused during *my* rape...surely I can understand how 
*any* one, male or female, could also do so.  But I must admit, it took my 
understanding and forgiving of *myself* in order to understand how it could 
happen to anyone.  Perhaps these other people just haven't had that 
experience.  

Gentleness to all
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: erc@unislc.uucp (Ed Carp)
Subject: Re: *SPOILER* FUCK YOU JEFF BOSER!
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Followups-To: alt.flame
Organization: Unisys Corporation SLC
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 22:30:43 GMT

Daniel B. Holzman (holzman@fnalno.fnal.gov) wrote:

: Damn right you're getting flamed ...

[other stuff deleted]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled asar newsgroup.
-- 
Ed Carp, N7EKG     erc@apple.com                801/538-0177
"This is the final task I will ever give you, and it  goes  on  forever.   Act
happy, feel happy, be happy, without a reason in the world. Then you can love,
and do what you will."           -- Dan Millman, "Way Of The Peaceful Warrior"