From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Men vs. Women   (Was: Request: "Feminist" Type Jokes)
Date: 31 Dec 1992 00:00:32 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
NNTP-Posting-Host: gibdo.engr.washington.edu

  MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
  ..........
  By Mark Canter
  
  Nobody knows who wrote them, but every guy knows them.
  
  When the movie E.T. first came out, a woman I know was surprised that her
  husband had shed a tear or two during the scene where the alien munchkin 
  dies.  This same guy, see, hadn't so much as misted an eye at the "Terms
  of Endearment," but a kid's movie got him where he lived.
    
  That's not so odd, I said.  Her husband was just following the rules: Guys
  must stay strong and tear-free through tragedies, but are permitted to 
  cry over the death of a pet (and E.T. was essentially Old Yeller from outer
  space).  The only time I ever saw my father cry was the day we buried our
  beloved dog: As we lowered Duke into a hole in the backyard, he hung his 
  head and bawled.
  
  Men follow a covert propriety--a set of unspoken rules that govern our ways
  and define what it is to be MALE.  It's more than just knowing when it's
  okay for a red-blooded all-american guy to cry; there are dozens of inner
  "prime directives" that tell us how to act like a real man.
  
  Where do these by-laws come from?  From everywhere: Dad, first-grade readers,
  coaches, the Hardy Boys, baseball players, Ben Cartwright, Captin James T.
  Kirk, older brothers, the Boy Scouts and Ozzie Nelson; and from hanging out
  with the guys.
  
  Some anthropologists say the codes we follow today were set down way back
  when men got together to paint bison and saber-toothed tigers on the walls 
  of caves.  "Many of these behaviors have been selected by evolution,"
  explains Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of the book "Why Men Are the Way
  They  Are."  "For example, it's a rule that men are supposed to be tough
  and protect women.  This traces back to acient times, when if women bred
  with men who were gentle and sensitive, those guys got wiped out by invading
  tribes.  The men who were able to bash in some enemy skulls and save them-
  selves and their women and children were the ones whose genes were passed
  on."
  
  For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of  those  unspoken  guidelines.
  These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented 
  them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say,  "See, honey,
  I'm not the only one who does this stuff..."
  
  THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:
  
  * On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when  you're lost...
    Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost
    Street of the Damned.  Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great
    Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
  
  * But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...
    because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the
    third time.
  
  * Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both
    sides....It's all about who's out in front.
  
  * Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit
    you're  a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car
    won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring.
    Have you checked the compression?"
  
  * A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as
    simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as
    oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical
    engineer.
  
  * Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular
    sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really
    something.  WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
  
  * Never admit you don't understand a political  issue....Opinions are like
    whiskers.  You're not an adult male without them.
  
  * There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control
    handy...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like
    flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
  
  * If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's
    unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your
    feet.
  
  * Never pay one of your buddies a compliment.  Instead say things like
    "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that
    awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date
    once she meets  me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this
    means you value his friendship.
  
  * If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it
    hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive  than  Phil Donahue.
    But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach,  when  you  said I was a 
    low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made
    me feel small and sad."
  
  * Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and  biological 
    sex life to another guy...unless the guy is a urologist.
  
  * A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife.
    He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart.  Naturally, he
    should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess...
    Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be
    unconcerned about such things.
  
  * If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used,
    proceed to the farthest available urinal.  If a line has  formed,  maintain
    proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal....
    Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds,  don't just stand there
    like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will
    probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk 
    away.
  
  * When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're
    finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if
    you were preparing for brain surgery.
  
  * If you can't take it, you're not a man  (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe
    you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one,
    you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never
    hear the end of it.
  
  * Ingore or deny physical pain...As  comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike
    Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret
    did in Bye Bye, Birdie.  Did he hurt you, Trevor?   'I was, ah, stunned,
    that's all, just stunned.'"
  
  * Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys...That's
    between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
  
  * Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying,
    "How do you like my suit of armor"  It's only got two weak spots  in  it--
    here and here."
  
  * If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's
    Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running  shoes and pound
    those calories into submission.
  
  * Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a
    Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun 
    before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act
    like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
  
  * If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of 
    Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on 
    Tupperware.  In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter
    appreciative comments like "WOW!  Check  that  out!"...and  if you're 
    alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
  
  * When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie
    department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a 
    mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
  
  Contributors:Mark Bricklin, Glenn Deutsch, Warren Farrell, Tom Gettings, Sid
  Kirchheimer, Michael Lafavore, Don Mann, Mike McGrath, Eric Rinehimer, Porter
  Shimmer, David Sloan, Patrick Taylor, Bob Teufel.
  ==

  Bob                                             Seattle, Washington