From: macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod heather)
Subject: Re: Life  3.I
Organization: Wilfrid Laurier University
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 13:54:54 GMT

In article <"30-Sep-92.21:16:02.PDT".*.Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@Xerox.com> Cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com writes:
>
>
>
>
>Alone, adj.:
>	In bad company.
>		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
>
>
>A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own
>home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in
>that particular field."
> 
>
>A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
>
>
>A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
>		-- Steve Wright
>
>
>Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
>Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
>		-- Dave Barry
>
>
>Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
>mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
>any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
>to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
>Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
>serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
>same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
>that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
>penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
>running the post office.
>		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
>
>
>Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
>
>
>Always remember some people are more human.
>
>
>Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
>
>
>Always try to do things in chronological order;
>it's less confusing that way.
>
>
>A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
>
>"However," replied the Universe, 
>"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
>		-- Stephen Crane
>
>
>A man's home is his hassle.
>
>
>A man should live forever, or die trying.
>
>
>
>A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a
>new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager
>retained his job. 
>
>The manager tries to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused
>it, saying, "I wrote the program because I thought it was an interesting
>concept, and thus I expect no reward." 
>
>The manager upon hearing this remarked, "This programmer, though he holds a
>position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Lets
>promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
>
>But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist so that
>I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's
>time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
>
>
>
>Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
>		-- Charlie McCarthy
>
>
>A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
>
>
>America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
>dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 
>
>
>America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
>to decadence without touching civilization.
>		-- John O'Hara
>
>
>American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
>employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
>employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
>between the men's room and the women's room without having little
>pictures on the doors.
>		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
>
>
>America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.
>
>
>Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
>
>
>Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
>
>
>An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
>people refuse to see it.
>		-- James Michener, "Space"
>
>
>An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
>is always polite to traffic cops.
>
>
>An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
>New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
>not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
>		-- David Letterman
>
>
>An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
>really care to know.
>
>
>Ancient Chinese Curse:
>May all your wishes be granted.
>
>
>Ancient Chinese Curse:
>May you live in interesting times.
>
>
>Ancient Chinese Curse:
>May your life be filled with experiences.
>
>
>And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
>
>
>An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
>
>
>An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
>		-- A. P. Herbert
>
>
>A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
>rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
>
>
>Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
>
>
>An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
>
>
>An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
>
>
>An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
>
>
>A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
>		-- Herbert Prochnow
>
>
>A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
>
>A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
>
>A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.

 I
>A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
>
>
>A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
>is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
>
>
>A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
>		-- Ben Franklin
>
>
>Acquaintance, n.:
>	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
>	enough to lend to.
>		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
>
>
>Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
>	everyone glued in their seats!"
>Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"
>
>
>Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
>
>
>A day without sunshine is like night.
>
>
>A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers
>her age.
>
>
>A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
>
>
>A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
>		-- Winston Churchill
>
>
>A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.
>
>
>A fool must now and then be right by chance.
>
>
>A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
>of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
>
>
>A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
>superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
>		-- G. B. Shaw
 >
>
>A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
>		-- D. Gries
>
>
>A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
>		-- Adlai Stevenson
>
>
>A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.
>				--- Emerson 
>
>
>A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
>he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
>favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
>facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
>		-- H. L. Mencken
>
>
>A high level staff meeting will always make the
>big boss feel better.
>
>
>Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
>'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one
>big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the
>only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers
>		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
>
>
>A hypothetical paradox:
>	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
>	team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
>	of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a
>	planet?
>		-- Tom Galloway
>
>
>A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
>
>
>Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
>telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
>York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
>And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
>receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
>
>
>Alden's Laws:
>	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
>	    of pregnancy.
>	(2) Always be backlit.
>	(3) Sit down whenever possible.
>
>
>Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
>for a dial tone.
>
>
>Alex Haley was adopted!
>
>
>Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.)
>Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon
>
>
>A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist
>
>
>All a biker needs is a tight paceline, a loose groove, 
>and a warm place to sprint.
>
>
>All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
>
>
>All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
>		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
>
>
>All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
>
>
>All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
>		-- Jane Wagner
>
>
>All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to
>enjoy it. 
>
>
>All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
>the United States.
>		-- Vic Gold
>
>
>All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
>
>
>All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
>Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers.  Keep supplies of them
>handy at all times.
>
>
>All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
>the government in less than a second.
>		-- Jim Fiebig
>
>
>All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players, performers and
>portrayers.  Each another's audience outside the gilded cage.
>						 -- Rush
>
>
>All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
>		-- Sean O'Casey
>
>
>All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
>fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.
>
>
>All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
>
>
>All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
>infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
>which he was born.
>		-- Francois Fenelon
>
>
>			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
>(8) Pedestrians are
>
>	(a) irrelevant.
>	(b) communists.
>	(c) a nuisance.
>	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
>
>The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
>totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
>
>
>		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
>
>If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
>across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
>
>
>		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
>
>There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
>would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
>
>
>	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
>eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
>test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
>	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
>the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
>
>
>	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
>Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
>and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
>to be created."
>	"This is true," He replied.
>	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
>	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
>right to make his laws?"
>	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
>make his own."
>	It was so granted.
>		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
>
>
>	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
>the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
>pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
>nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
>	"If what?"  asked the composer.
>	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
>
>
>	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
>asked the father of his little son.
>	"Diet."
>
>
>	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
>in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
>	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
>you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
>an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
>hour seems like a minute."
>	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
>moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
>		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
>
>
>Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
>
>
>Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
>
>
>Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
>		-- Aesop
>
>
>Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
>this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
>whole week.
>
>
>Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
>		-- Publilius Syrus
>
>
>Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
>is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
>make messes in the house.
>		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
>
>
>Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
>						- R. Heinlein 
>
>
>Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
>		-- Samuel Goldwyn
>
>
>Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
>account be allowed to do the job.
>		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
>
>
>Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
>		-- Sydney J. Harris
>
>
>... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
>my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
>resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
>The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
>them is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the
>existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
>coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
>is beyond the scope of this article.)
>
>
>Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
>
>
>Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once
>more.
>
>
>A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
>
>
>A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original
>dimensions. -- Oliver Wendall Holmes
>
>
>A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
>		-- George Wald
>
>
>
>A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
>And he answered:
>  It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
>  It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
>  It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
>     upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
>     to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
>And that is Fate?  said the priest.
>Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
>That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was too.
>		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
>
>
>A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
>
>
>
>A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
>your wife will give you for free.
>
>
>A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
>out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
>		-- Steel City News
>
>
>ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
>    FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
>
>
>A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
>objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
>scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
>concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
>dimensional objects ...
>
>
>Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
>		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
>
>
>A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
>contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
>		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
>
>
>A rolling stone gathers momentum.
>
>
>Art is anything you can get away with.
>		-- Marshall McLuhan.
>
>
>Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
>		-- Paul Gauguin
>
>
>Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
>one went to Harvard).
>		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
>
>
>As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
>
>
>A soft drink turneth away company.
>
>
>As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
>programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
>    --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.
>
>
>Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
>Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
>strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
>Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
>and dying broke.
>		-- Stanley Walker
>
>
>As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
>wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
>to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
>that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
>finding mistakes in my own programs.
>		-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
>
>
>A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
>		-- O'Henry
>
>
>A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
>bad measures.
>		-- Daniel Webster
>
>
>As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
>variable."
>
>
>At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
>Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
>under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
>
>
>Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
>or street lamp.
>
>
>Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
>		-- Winston Churchill
>
>
>At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at
>least two human errors, not including the error of blaming it on the computer.
>
>
>Automobile, n.:
>	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
>	pedestrians.
>
>
>A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself on a
>bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City.  His reverie was disturbed when another
>man approached and asked,"Can I join you?"  "What's the matter, maybe I'm
>coming apart??" 
>
>
>Avoid reality at all costs.
>
>
>Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but we will
>gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 
>		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
>
>
>Avoid running at all times.
>		--- Satchel Paige
>
>
>A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
>		 -- Custodians of Love Canal
>
>
>A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a
>fool can from a mountain top.
>
>
>A witty saying proves nothing.
>		-- Voltaire
>
>
>A woman's place is in the house.  And the senate.
>
>
>A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
>
>
>A young man wrote to Mozrat and said:
>   Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
>       suggestions as to how to get started."
>   A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
>       some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
>   Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
>   A: "But I never asked anybody how."
>
>
>Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
>
>
>Baruch's Observation:
>	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
>
>
>Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
>		-- Will Rogers
>
>
>Be alert, we need all the lerts we can get.
>
>
>Before I got married I had six theories 
>about bringing up children; now I have
>six children and no theories.
>			Lord Rochester
>
>
>Being a frog isn't as bad as it seems.  
>Whenever anything bugs them, they eat it.
>
>
>Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence
>		-- Time Bandits
>
>
>Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
>
>
>Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
>
>
>Best to leave town until this blows over.
>
>
>Better luck next time.
>
>
>     Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
>Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
>Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
>great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
>     It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
>Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
>equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
>destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
>both Parliament and Party.
>     It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
>planets, this may be the first message received from us.
>		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
>
>
>
>
>