From: brinkman@edseq4.llnl.gov
Newsgroups: talk.origins
Subject: Who is he *really*? (was: two questions for Jim Loucks (+digression))
Date: 15 Apr 92 19:48:08 GMT


   In article <84038@bu.edu> colby@bu-bio.bu.edu (Chris Colby) asks Jim
Loucks...

   Just to digress (I realize that I, sir, am no Jim Loucks)...

>	One more question. I'm a grad student in evolutionary biology.
>Do you think that I am A.) part of some big commie/satan conspiracy
>B.) being conned by evolutionary biologists (the ones in the hypothesized
>commie/satan conspiracy) and am just too damn stupid to figure it out
>C.) attempting to do science to the best of my ability and just
>reaching the wrong conclusion (along with the rest of my field) or
>D.) [insert your own interpretation] (Or, how about E.) mastermind of
>the whole commie/satan conspiracy or F.) satan himself 8-)

   A homework question?!?  I hate homework questions, but okay...

   If option A were correct, you would probably live in fear that your evil 
masters (possibly the ILLUMINATI--gasp) would find out you were spilling
the beans.  This fear would probably outweigh your curiousity, and you would
never ever even dream of asking this question.  Therefore, option A is 
definitely  ruled out.

   For option B to be correct, the evil masters would surely realize that
people would catch on sooner or later.  To ensure that the conspiracy is not
uncovered, they (the evil masters) would have to make sure this possibility
NEVER occurred to their pawns (no offense intended, Chris).  Since this idea
HAS occurred to you, it is clear that option B is incorrect.

   Option C would be entirely possible (after all the evil masters must have
some ability at thought control).  Unfortunately, this is the most prosaic of
all the options.  Since one of the rules of conspiracy uncovering is that the
most prosaic explanation is never correct, we areforced to eliminate this as a
viable choice also.

   This leaves us with options D, E, and F, as possible choices.  I would 
argue that it is highly unlikely that Satan would trouble himself to post
to talk.origins.  Also weighing against option F is your posting of erudite 
corrections to your own posts, since Satan is much too proud to ever admit
having made a mistake.  For these reasons I would rate option F as having a
very low probability to be correct.  This leaves only options D and E as 
viable choices.

   Since option D allows a multitude of possibilities, I will assume for the
moment it is not correct.  I will attempt to prove that option E is correct,
and only failing that will I return to the rather unpalatable option D.

   Now, if you really are the head of the whole conspiracy, you are spilling
the beans by publically entertaining the possibility that the conspiracy 
exists.  This toying with us makes it is likely that you would leave other 
clues to who you REALLY are.  Let us investigate this further...

   All we really know about you is that you claim to post from Boston and you 
claim that your name is Chris Colby.  Now, others may argue that this is not 
enough information to crack the case, but not so.

   Boston is the home of the Celtics, which was an ancient tribe whose main 
religion worshipped trees.  Now, why did they worship trees?  Well, Boston is 
also the home of the Bruins, another name for a bear.  Thus, the Celtics
worshipped trees because a special bear lived there.  This bear was a demonic 
familiar as can be plainly seen from the fact that Boston is also the home of 
the Red Sox, and everyone wears red in Hell!  Thus, you must be some 
inhabitant of Hades--more specifically a shape shifting demon.

   Now, the initials C.C. immediately bring to mind the classic song, "C.C.
Rider".  C. C. Rider was a biker.  One of the main biker groups is the Hell's
Angels.  This means that you rank quite up there in the heirarchy, probably
an Demonic Overlord or such.  Thus, the obvious interpretation is that you are 
a shape-shifting Demonic Overlord, who frequently took a bear shape when 
appearing to ancient tribes.

   "Oh no," I hear you wailing (and gnashing your teeth), "but at least he
doesn't know my secret mission!"  Not true, old horned and goateed one.  C.C.
can be written as c^2, an obvious reference to one of the most famous equations
in all of science, E = mc^2.  This means your mission must have something to do
with science.  Now, C.C. is also an abbreviation for cubic-centimeter, a metric
unit of measurement.  In the metric system a meter was supposed to correspond
to one ten-millionth of the distance from the equator to the North Pole.  We
know this now to be incorrect, which means that the metric system is based on
lies!  Thus, it is readily apparent that your mission is to disrupt science by 
causing scientific ideas to be based on lies.  Is there any better description 
of the so-called "theory" of evolution?  Therefore, you ARE the leader of the 
commie/satan conspiracy more commonly known as the theory of evolution!

   Therefore, by elimination and sheer deductive brilliance, it is obvious that
the correct answer is option E.

   I must admit, I await my grade with some trepidation.  After all, if option
E, which I have clearly demonstrated is the only logical solution, is actually
correct, I am probably opening a real can of worms.  On the other hand, truth
must prevail!  We must throw aside the powers of the Dread Demon Lord Chris 
Colby (or as he was known to the ancient Celtics--Ybloc Sirhc), and realize
the folly of our ways.

>Chris Colby

--
Matt Brinkman		brinkman@edseq1.llnl.gov

Digression:  Chris, have you ever tried Old Washer Woman?  Quite a nice beer 
	     found around Pittsburgh (if my memory serves).

Disclaimer:  No, I really belive what I wrote above.  This hypothesis explains
	     so many things so economically that it just HAS to be true.

Andy Rooney 
  Imitation: Have you ever noticed how some people put in smileys, even when
	     the joke should be obvious to anyone with an I.Q. above a carrot?
	     Don't you hate that?
Newsgroups: talk.origins