From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (SHerri)
Subject: Re: Just Questions
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 03:05:43 GMT


Hi everyone!  My therapist is out of town for awhile so I'm trying to deal
with some of my present feelings here.  I'm having a much harder time
dealing with her being away than I thought I would :(.  So, anyway, I
thought I'd deal with some of these feelings by responding to Anne's questions.

In article <1992Sep3.203309.27683@sei.cmu.edu> aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat) writes:
>I have some questions and I'd appreciate any input from you guys.
>
>Do you have dreams? What are they like?
>
I haven't been remembering dreams really well.  There have been times when I
have known that I had dreamt about the abuse somehow, but I could never remember
those dreams.  I actually think I have more healing dreams than threatening
ones though, even though I have periods where I get lots of nightmares.  In
nightmares I am often eaten alive or buried alive.  I am always trying to
avert the end of the world but no one will listen to me, or those I turn
to turn out to be allied with the destroyers.  These are easy enough to
interpret.
I don'thave the sort of dreams you mentioned, where you're an adult 
experiencing the child-like terror.  Sounds difficult though--here's some
hugs if you want them.

>Where were you un-involved parents or adult protective figures? Did none of
>us have them?

That's a difficult one for me to deal with.  My parents were not my abusers,
and my main feeling towards them has usually been one of guilt for causing
so much trouble because of all my problems.  But my present therapist has
helped me realize that there was a lot missing in my relationship with them.
Some was due to the alienation I felt because of the abuse--so quickly
'don't tell' becomes 'don't be' and soon there was no sense to make of
myself, no base from which to reach others.  But I also can see that in
so many ways I was crying for help, and even when I wasn't ignored, no one
ever knew what to do.

For my parents, suvivors themselves of different abuses, there was always a
list--these are the things about which we can complain.  When harm was done
in a way not on the list, they didn't say anything or do anythign to stop it.
I've posted before about an unfinished room that my uncle used to lock me
in whenever I would start screaming.  I would scream for hours sometimes,
and he would let me out when I was quiet if he hadn't passed out yet.  I
recently pieced together a conversation I'd had with my family when I was
in college.  My uncle brought up that room and bragged about what a great
way it was to deal with me.  Very quietly, I said that perhaps it was not
such a good thing to do to a child.  Everyone there supported my uncle,
telling me that I didn't understand how impossible I was to deal with since
I would scream for such a long time.  Even my mother agreed in principle,
though she said it used to make her mad that he left me in an unventilated
room like that one because she was afraid the heat would cause brain damgage.
It wasn't bad enough in her opinion for her to feel the need to stop it.

Next time someone in my family says, "Well, why didn't you tell anyone?"
perhaps I'll finally be able to answer.

>
>How do you deal with your parents/siblings - especially if you think they may
>not remember either?
>

I deal by not dealing.  I haven't felt the need to cut myself off completely,
but I've asked for space sometimes.  Since they have respected that, I feel
okay maintaining contact.  I don't know what our relationship is based on 
much of the time.  A lot of times when they say, "you can always come to me
about it" or stuff like that, I never know whether they mean it or if I want
to go to them anyway.

Do they remember?  I had dinner with my mother tonight and I mentioned the
"Scared Silent" special that will be on tomorrow night.  She surprised me
by saying, "Maybe I'd better not watch it, I might start having flashbacks."
Since I suspect her father to be the owner of the organ in a few of my
memories, I imagine that it is likely that she was sexually abused.  I guess
I don't expect  much of my family when I'm really vulnerable.  I can't afford
to.

I'm usually more compassionate than I sound right now. I'm having a hard 
night.


>I'd give my own input, but I'm crushed for time right now.
>
>Thank you!!!
>Hang in there,
>
>-Anne

You, too.  Ehugs if you want them, I could use some now.

Sherri


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery