From: dvandom@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (David VanDomelen)
Subject: The Kinda Big Darkness Saga concludes
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 15:06:20 GMT

     It was a normal afternoon in the LNH HQ, which is to say that only a 
highly trained observer would have been able to tell that there wasn't a war 
going on.  Then suddenly the backgrounds all disappeared.
     "Hey!  The backgrounds are gone!" shouted Sister State-the-Obvious.
     "That must mean a fight scene!" said Cheesecake-Eater Lad.
     As if to prove the point, four blackened crusty entities appeared center 
stage.
     "We are the Savants of Darkness!  We possess enough power to utterly 
destroy all of you, especially if you ask us stupid questions!" To demonstrate,
the lead figure annihilated Cannon Fodder.
     "Way to go!  He had the pizza coupons!" said Bad-Timing Boy.  "BTW, why 
are you all crusty like that?"
     "Er, the Master left us in the Creepy Crawlies oven and forgot about us 
when he went out to a concert.  But I forget mhy manners!  Before we kill you 
all, we must exposit on the nature of our powers so as to give you a better 
chance of destroying us!
     "I am PoliSig!  My overly political .sigs have the power to generate 
massive flames!"
     Just as Flameproof Lad leaped out to protect the other LNHers, gouts of 
flame came out of nowhere ("Must be the Invisible Incendiary" mused 
RosterwReam) and crispyfried PoliSig.  "Oops, my mistake.  My powers *attract* 
flames," said PoliSig just before collapsing into a heap of ash.
     Another stepped forward.  "I am ScatterBrain Lad, able to do an infinite 
number of things at once but, er, what was the question?"  The befuddled Savant
lost his train of thought as he did an infinite number of other things.  
Everyone proceeded to ignore him some more.
     "I am Obscuring Lad!  Able to cloud any issue with meaningless facts and 
digressions!"  Suddenly the entire net was filled with tangential garbage to 
the point that no one could move.  Then a gagging sound was heard and the 
netjam cleared...Obscuring Lad had choked to death on his own trivia.
     "Hi," said the last standing Savant.  "I'm Netjerker.  Wanna see my 
power?"   But then a huge blue pencil descended and edited the Savant out 
before he could violate the rather low standards of this group.
     All of the Savants of Darkness had self-destructed.
     "Well, this was certainly worth $1.50," sneered Sarcastic Lad.
     "Why do I get the feeling the fight isn't over?" observed Cliche Dude.
     Off in the distance, everybody suddenly spotted a multicolored Studebaker.
     "Muppets?  But they're so incredibly licensed that there's no way they 
could cross over!" cried Adamant-Authority-on-Everything.
     "No, I don't think they're Muppets," said The Incredible Man-With-No-Life.
"Can you hear that background track?  Sounds like...."
     Obscure Trivia Lad (he's not dead during this story, so try to fit it into
the continuity somehow) gasped.  "It's the Boat of Car!  Which means these guys
approaching must be They Might Be Villains!"
     "WHO?" asked everybody else in chorus.
     The Boat of Car pulled to a stop and Mr. Claw, Triangle Man and Chess 
Piece Face climbed out, leaving Flood to drive the car...boat...whatever.
     "Yes!  We are the true villains of this piece!  Fall before my power of 
Photographic Memory linked to projecting Telepathy as I download the entire RAC
log into your brains!" shouted Chess Piece Face.
     The LNH reeled as anywhere from 60000 to 85000 articles jammed into their 
heads at once.  With supreme effort, MultiTasking Man switched windows, dialed 
up alt.music.progressive and extracted the TMBG lyric sheets, made a light 
snack, debugged his reader, emailed Sidewinder (who was not in the net at the 
time) about what was happening, ate the snack, then settled down for a little 
NetTrek.
     In his home system, Sidewinder got the email about Purple Toupees and 
blasted onto the scene, snatching the purple toupee from Chess Piece Face's 
head before digressing over to alt.hair.club.for.men.
     The barrrage stopped and the LNHers regained their feet.  Mr. Claw 
advanced on Typo Lad, holding out the 3 foot long claw at the end of his right 
arm.  Typo Lad thought qwiclee and suddenly Mr. Slaw had shredded lettuce 
hanging from his elbow.
     Flood limbered up the weaponry on the BoC.  First, the dreaded Foof 
Cannon!  *FOOFFOOFFOOF*!
     Everyone present was forced to stop what they were doing and shout "Yay!"
Flood took advantage of this lull to BONK Multitasking Man.  A few seconds 
later when he checked this window, MM said "OIF" and collapsed.
     But before Hooded Ho`'od Win could see the result of the battle between 
Contraption Man and Triangle Man, another figure entered the scene causing a 
lull in the fighting.
     "Greetings, LNH!  I am Flipseid, the most horribly evil and powerful 
cosmic dude in the cosmos (this issue)!  Since you have defeated my two earlier
waves of servants (trust me, TBMV wouldn't have lasted another paragraph), I am
forced to destroy you myself that you won't hinder my plans to conquer TinyTIM!
Thus I unleash my dreaded Smegma Effect!"
     And thus, in a scene *way* too gross to depict here, the LNH was subdued, 
all lay on the ground retching except Lurking Lass, who was lurking at the 
time.
     "Gross," though Lurking Lass as Flipseid laughed maniacally.  Suddenly 
(gee, I get alot of mileage out of that word) she saw a tin of Spam on the 
net.floor, and felt compelled to pick it up.  Then, for no very good reason, 
she opened it while chanting "Babylon and the Number 7 are the same color. Go 
soak."
     There was the gentle sound of the pasture, and out of the ashes of PoliSig
arose a cow.
     Ultimate Ninja looked up and feebly croaked, "Udder Doom!" and tried to 
hurl some Ninja Bush, but then he realized that this was not Udder Doom.  He 
felt an overwhelming urge to pet this cow.
     Flipseid recoiled in horror.  "Sketch!  What are you doing here!  How did 
you escape TIM?"
     Sketch mooed.
     "No matter, I will destroy you with my Smegma Effect!"
     Before Flipseid could act, Sketch took the pencil from behind his ear 
[editor's note:  How?  Well, he's a wizard. He can do this kinda stuff] and 
said "You've been naughty, Flipseid.  The news.worlds should not be interfered 
in by the dealings of MU*s.  I can only stay a short time, but that is enough 
to do this."  With that, Sketch pointed the pencil at Flipseid and typed '@toad
Flipseid', turning the villain into a slimy toad.  Then Sketch mooed again as 
he faded away.
     The LNHers had by now recovered from the Smegma Effect and walked over to 
the toad.  Adamant-Authority-on-Everything gasped and said, "Look at the 
address on that toad!  This was Acton Lord in disguise!"
     "So he's dead, eh?" asked Ultimate Ninja as he 'accidentally' stepped on 
the toad.
     "Why do I get the feeling we haven't seen the last of Acton Lord?" asked 
Cliche Dude?
               *              *              *              *
     In a faraway archive site, Acton Lord decoded himself.  The errors 
introduced by Sig Lad were apparent in this copy, and his gloves and goggles 
were wrong.  But no matter.  He would recostume himself and try again.  For 
only absolute failure can stop Acton Lord....
     Dave Van Domelen, fromage to LSH