From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
Subject: Re: Suggestion box: What to do on Valentine's Day
Keywords: Suggestions, humorous, romance, singles, couples, etc.
Organization: Nyx, Public Access Unix @ U. of Denver Math/CS dept.
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 93 05:07:05 GMT

In article <8527@news.duke.edu> eyc@acpub.duke.edu (EMIL CHUCK) writes:
>
>Please email me any suggestions about what to do for Valentine's Day.
>I am especially interested in what single people should do (since I am
>one). Humorous suggestions are very welcome. Here are the categories I
>am currently thinking about regarding classification:

Well, I always think a tasteful gift from the Schaeffer Image is in
order.   Hmmmm...I must have a catalog of theirs around here somewhere....

 
 
                 T H E   S C H A E F F E R   I M A G E
               "Your Everything Means Satisfaction to Us"
 
 
 
Welcome to the Schaeffer Image's Semi-Annual Valentine's Day sale, where
we've marked down many of our most romantic products, in the hopes that you
will be so suffused with the spirit of romance that you simply won't be able
to stop yourself from snatching up our entire inventory.
 
 
CREATE THE PERFECT EVENING WITH OUR VALENTINE CELEBRATION KIT
 
If you've ever wished you could have a perfect Valentine's day without having
to make separate trips to the flower shop, the confectioner's, the hardware
store, a greeting card store, and the drugstore, well, we at the Schaeffer
Image have made your wish come true!  With just a single phone call or stop at
any of our retail stores, you can pick up the Schaeffer Image's exclusive
complete Valentine's Day Kit.  It includes
 
    * a dozen long-stemmed roses,
 
    * a heart-shaped two-pound box of delicious assorted chocolates,
 
    * a specially selected romantic card featuring twelve of the most popular
      romantic sentiments--just check the boxes next to whichever feelings
      you have
 
    * five gallons of chocolate ice cream shipped packed in dry ice
 
    * two Ace bandages
 
    * four rolls of duct tape
 
    * a 24-count box of three-ply hefty bags
 
    * eight eye-bolts
 
    * 50 feet of 100% cotton rope
 
    * one tube of crazy glue
 
    * one bottle of champagne with two glasses
 
    * one 2-hour long videotape of a roaring fireplace
 
Why spend all day shopping for Valentine necessities when you could just order
them from the Schaeffer Image and spend that day with your loved one?
 
* Valentine's Day Kit       #PREP-1000                      only 95.95
 
 
GIVE YOUR VALENTINE THE MASSAGE FOR THE 90'S WITH PORTA-COPY-SSAGE
 
What better way to show you care than with a massage?  And what better way to
give a massage that the high tech way--using one of the Schaeffer Image's
Porta-copy-ssages?  We found these handheld photocopiers that would only make
three-inch wide copies on thermal paper didn't sell too well as copiers, but
an industrious couple in our research department (formerly a storage room
until we decided to classify what they were doing in there as "research")
discovered that gliding them slowly over bare skin generates the most
incredible tactile sensations.  Not only will a Porta-copy-ssage give your
partner a massage he or she will never forget, it will output a long, narrow
memento to guarantee that you'll never forget the experience either.
 
* Porta-copy-ssage     #THERMO-595          Was 335.95, now only 195.97
 
 
SHOW YOUR FEELINGS WITH VALENTINE FAX PAPER
 
Nothing will brighten up your SO's day faster than a fax recieved on colorful,
romantic Valentine's Day fax paper--fax paper that's compatible with any
standard thermal paper fax and is decorated in a delightful profusion of
hearts, flowers, and, for some reason, mushrooms.  Be sure to get enough rolls
to cover all your romantic fax moments.
 
* Valentine Fax paper   #AWWW-500       Was 12.95/roll, now only 11.35/roll
 
 
NO MORE WIMPY VALENTINES WITH GENER FOX'S GUIDE TO MANLY ROMANCE
 
Sure you can be like everyone else and send flowers and chocolates for
Valentine's day--but who wants to be yet another romantic wimp?  Gener Fox,
world reknown expert in all things manly, writes this book to help guide you
through the difficult waters of manly romance.  Chapters include, "Real men
don't send flowers," "How to turn a woman on with fishing lures and shotgun
shells," "The importance of stuff," and "Champagne:  how much Everclear should
you add?."  Be romantic *and* be a real man--with the help of this book!
 
* Gener Fox's Guide to Manly Romance   #UGHH-52    Was 19.95, now only 17.95
 
 
GREAT GIFT IDEA:  FULL-SIZE CHOCOLATE GOLF SET
 
Surpise the golfer in your life with this beautifully crafted full-scale
replica of a complete golf set, made completely out of chocolate.  The woods
are made from the finest Swiss milk chocolate, the irons out of German
bittersweet chocolate, the balls and tees from white chocolate, and the bag
itself is a delicious chocolate-coated wafer, shaped into the perfect likeness
of a genuine leather golf bag.  All in all, over ninety-two pounds of
mouth-watering solid chocolate.
 
* Chocolate golf set    #FORE-YOU       Was $672.00 / Now only $595.00
 
 
SAVE WATER WITH ENERGY-EFFICIENT VALENTINE SHOWER HEAD
 
Surprise the love of your life with a new WenchCo extendable vibrating shower
massage.  It's exclusive water-powered vibrating action combines the benefits
of electronic massage units and the best shower massage heads--and it's on a
twelve foot flexible gooseneck pipe, allowing you to direct it anywhere your
heart desires.  A simple twist of the flow control lets you switch it from a
gentle pulsating action to firm thrusts of its water jets.  You'll love
getting shower head with WenchCo's Shower Massage.
 
* WenchCo shower massage  #WATER-LIK    Was $74 / Now only $69
 

Newsgroups: soc.singles