From: anon-1280@twwells.com (MelancholyChild)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Let it end soon, please
Date: 12 Jan 93 00:12:23 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ciaran@county.lmt.mn.org (Ciaran Benson) writes:

>In article <C021vJ.83C@twwells.com>, anon-1280@twwells.com (MelancholyChild) 
>writes:
>> >In article <Bzy5qB.IyJ@twwells.com>, anon-1280@twwells.com (ReachingOut)
>> >writes:
>> >>I wish I could believe this for myself. I don't, not at all. It will
>> >>end when I die. Blah blah blah blah blah blah, lots of whiny bullshit
>> >>deleted
>>  
>> This should never have been posted. Apologies to all.

>  No.  Don't do that.

>  What you wrote was very strong and powerful.  To be able to dive
>into your melancholy, your appacolyptic ennui and share it so vividly
>with others is a fabulous gift and a very empowering thing.  Do
>not, please oh Goddess, please do not give it up like some unwanted
>thing.

I don't really know what to say, except thank you for responding.

>  Pain dwells and lingers, and it's sometimes hard to understand whether
>it's a part of yourself or of something else, whether it's something you've
>created for yourself or if it was something that was truely given.  The
>past fades and mingles until even events a half-hour old don't make sense
>anymore.  But the pain is definitely there, and it doesn't fade.

That's no lie. It's getting worse every day.

>  You are a very special person to be able to stare at that darkness and
>embrace it, to hold it up for everyone to recognise in themselves.

>  Please.  Please, do not deny your words.  They were wonderful.  It
>doesn't matter if they helped you or me or anyone else, they just were
>wonderful by themselves.  They were honest.  We need honesty.

Well, thank you, but that post brought me a response telling me to
"quit whining" and I realize that I was whining. People don't want 
to hear how much I despise myself, and how I'm totally full of despair
and hopelessness. It's just bullshit, it's all bullshit, and it is
better for me to keep it to myself. It's not going to get better,
and I can't even write anything anymore that isn't full of cynical,
self-hating, whiny bullshit. That makes me hate myself even more,
so I just delete whatever I've written. No big deal.

The bad part of doing that is that this hatred has grown and become
even more internalized. I have no outlet for it. Not that it matters.
I'm completely non-violent, so it won't affect anyone but myself.
I'm not a cutter, but for the first time, I *really* understand the
motives behind cutting. Not that I plan on starting, I'm too much
of a wimp about pain. Still, I understand why someone would do it.
 
>  P.S., I like your new name.  Mine means "twilight," but please don't
>pass that around too much (I think we've met before.)

You couldn't have met me, I'm not real :-)

Thank you for *your* words, I do appreciate them.

MelancholyChild (thanks for liking my name, but I'm actually starting
to hate it. The way I feel, FatStupidUglyAwfulHorribleBitch will be
my next name. Just kidding, that wouldn't fit in the header.)
See, there I go again! I feel this stuff, but I don't want to stink
up all of my posts with it. <sigh>

>  Ciaran.  Who is apparently dealing with more than anticipated.

What do you mean?

Btw, I like your name too.



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for an automatically returned help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery