HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan)
Subject: Re: more depression
Organization: Johns Hopkins Computer Science Department, Baltimore, MD
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 21:00:11 GMT

boesch@cs.washington.edu (Eric Boesch) writes:

>Thad_Engeling@quickmail.natinst.com (Thad Engeling) writes:
>>Sometimes I wish I were dead, but that happens to everyone.

>No it doesn't.  I heard some statistic that like 20% of people in the
>US often think of suicide.  

I'm really very non-suicidal.  Sometimes people think I might suicidal be when 
I tell them morbid thoughts I have while looking at pieces of broken glass on the
sidewalk, or watching barbed wire go by from a car, thinking what it would be
like if my neck were placed against the wire at that speed.

But I've pretty much concluded that what I am experiencing at these moments is 
more of an excessive instinct to *preserve* my life.  Last summer some kids 
pulled a gun on me (said they had one, anyhow, and there were about ten of them 
so it didn't really matter).  The next day, the thought that kept going through 
my head was "I like me.  I'm glad to be alive."  Also, I felt extremely 
insulted.  They would have killed me over eighteen lousy bucks and some cards 
they'd never get a chance to use.  I felt that if they weren't so stupid, they'd
have realized that I was worth more than what they could have obtained by 
killing me.  The worst thing about it is it was just an outing for them.  Split 
the money between them all, and they'd each get exactly nothing (if you'll 
pardon my sloppy arithmetic).

In it's own way, that experience was an epiphany: more than a little 
life-affirming, in a sick way, but not something I'd ever go through 
voluntarily.
--
"I would rather be torn to pieces by the poison-clawed cat, than to suffer one
instant of acceptance by the resident intellectuals of rec.arts.books." 
     [slightly modified; attribution left as an exercise to the reader]
              -- Paul Callahan, callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu --
From: bs584@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Jeanne Leidy)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Back To Work Angst
Date: 12 Jan 93 02:43:12 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc10.ins.cwru.edu


In a previous article, dante@microsoft.com (throated plaid) says:

>The petty things they want me to do with computers--
>take a certain kind of data and change it into another
>kind of data--really started to bore me about a year
>and a half ago. I can't do ANYTHING unless it interests
>me and once I know that a given thing can be done
>on a computer, the nuts and bolts of actually doing it
>bore me to tears. 

Yes.  Yes.  Exactly.  And the major reason that I hated every one of my
programming classes in school.  Other classes fell into this category,
too, so that once I knew how to solve a certain thermodynamics problem,
for example, I had no interest in chugging through the details.  Didn't
help my GPA one bit.

Unfortunately, some 10 years later, I find myself writing software, most of 
which is quite routine, for a living (more or less), but it doesn't 
bother me much any more.  Indifference set in.  

>I've learned to pad trivialities until they look
>good on a weekly report 
[...creative report saved for personal use on 15-JAN-93...]

God, I thought I was the only person on earth who had to write one of those.
Other than my similarly-suffering co-workers, of course.

-Jeanne
From: parkhugj@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Gregory J Parkhurst)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: qualities in men
Date: 11 Jan 1993 07:02:13 GMT
Organization: Computer Science Department at Rose-Hulman
Reply-To: parkhugj@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Gregory J Parkhurst)
NNTP-Posting-Host: g222-28.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu

In article <86386@ut-emx.uucp> llama@tramp.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine) writes:

> this all boils down to me liking/wanting real people, men who aren't
> afraid to just exist as who they are without worrying about what
                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> effect that's having on me and my perception of them. men who can talk
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> about things and listen to me talk and really care about what i'm
> saying.

Ditto for women.  Let's make it people in general...pretenses suck.
"There is a time and a place for tact.  Most of the time, however, tact is  
entirely misplaced."  - me, probably misquoting one of Niven's Laws.  

Personally, I find myself more attracted to the type of woman who isn't afraid  
to go to out wearing frumpy clothes, legs unshaved (assuming that this isn't  
from an inability to look nice, but rather a lack of concern for expected  
roles) than one who spends hours getting herself "ready" so she can buy  
groceries.  Unfortunately, I run into a lot more of the latter than the former.

The same goes for communications.  People who say what's on their mind are far  
outnumbered by those who put up a smokescreen for fear of opening up.  I hate  
small talk; it's a game I can play reasonably well, but I would just love to  
meet someone who didn't find it necessary.

Let's hear it for those who have the guts to stop tiptoeing around and _say  
what they mean_.  Wherever they're hiding.   (if anyone knows where they're  
hiding, gimme an address, phone number, something...)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greg Parkhurst         Nocturn@VR |           "Something clever"       
parkhugj@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu |                  -Someone clever
From: dsmither@alfred.carleton.ca (Diane Smithers)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Coping in Ottawa (was Back To Work Angst)
Date: 11 Jan 93 23:43:31 GMT
Organization: Carleton University

In <1993Jan11.213458.19752@bnr.ca> bucknerb@bnr.ca (Brent Buckner) writes:

>So much for dodging the question; a thoughtful reply to a rhetorical
>question deserves better.

>In September I'll be turning my life
>upside-down as I leave the workforce and move to pursue MBA studies in
>in another hotbed:  London, Ontario.  In the meanwhile, I lead
>a dull life and consume escapist entertainment as a coping mechanism.


Well, good luck.  Actually, for all the surface similarities, I have
heard that London, ON is a much better place to live than Ottawa.
From: stuczyns@presto.ig.com (Martin Stuczynski)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: communication
Date: 7 Jan 93 19:17:36 GMT
Organization: IntelliGenetics Inc., Mtn. View, Ca.


Since moving far away from friends and family and not wanting to spend
mega-dollars enriching the long distance telephone companies I decided
to communicate mainly via letters/postcards etc. with old friends and
family. I've decided to judge a persons character by their willingness
to communicate in this fashion. I know everyone I've written to is
literate and able to write but it's surprising how few are WILLING to
do so. There are some people who have'nt even sent me so much as a
single postcard in reply even though I know they have recieved my
letters/cards etc. I'm trying to correlate their willingness to put a
few thoughts down on paper, affixing a postage stamp and drop the card
in a mail box with their worth as a substantive person worth knowing.
If they can't even scribble a couple sentences on a card and drop it
in a mail box are they worth keeping as friends?


-MArty
From: rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: The eternal questions...
Date: 4 Jan 93 22:27:06 GMT
Organization: st. alfonso's pancake breakfast

In article <86143@ut-emx.uucp> llama@tramp.cc.utexas.edu (sine nomine) writes:
>
> rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins) wrote:
>
>: wow, do you feel like that too? the thing is, i actually DO come down with
>: the flu, or a migraine, or whatever when i have a blind date. i have one 
>
>actually, i might have had more fun with the flu. i mean, at least
>then i would have had something interesting to do, like wheeze and
>cough and shiver a lot. logic would dictate that someone you'd spent
>two hours talking with on the phone would *have* to be interesting,
>no? logic didn't anticipate that said someone would basically want to
>have the same conversation all over again.
>
>i think when he calls again, i'll decline. even though he fed me draft
>guiness.

hmm. i actually had a pretty good time. although he doesn't talk much, i
don't mind. i still angst though. just do. there's no way of winning. either 
he'll want me to leave him alone, in which case it's insecurity angst, or 
he'll want me to be with him 24 hrs, which is suffocation angst. i don't 
seem to ever hit the happy medium where the man in question will call, and 
will be friendly, but won't go psycho-ballistic into a 'relationship'.

>: sine, let's just move in together and 
>: forget the whole thing.
>
>works for me, but you'll have to come here. i'm allergic to deserts. 
>and we'll have to spray man-be-gone around the perimeter of the yard...

let's watch northern exposure this week together. damn. i'll have to tape it,
since DEEP SPACE (total geek out, i know) is on as well...


>hey, at least this time datefailure wasn't my fault. i even stayed
>awake while he was talking...


i'm impressed...

although sometimes it's easier to just let it crash and burn from the start,
y'know?

bah.

--
		    -just give me what for,
	rachel perkins =  rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu
      coed naked internet grep! always keep your link up!
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: you win some, you lose some (kinda long)
From: hammett@sbsu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Tim Hammett)
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 13:41:29 GMT
Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand.

callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan) writes:
>She told me she wanted to be a writer.  I had already told her I was a grad
>student (she had asked what I did for a living) and I eventually I wound up 
>revealing that I studied Computer Science.   This (I'm afraid) sounded the 
>death knell for any further social interaction.  I mean, I think I could have 
>saved the situation if I wanted to, by moving on to other things, but then I 
>actually started to comment on doing things like publishing papers and writing 
>mathematical proofs.  She went off to look for her friends (she said), and 

I've also noticed that admitting to being a Computer Programmer tends to kill
conversations. I've often thought about lying about my profession, but
I've never been able to think up a suitably socially acceptable profession
that I could lie convincingly about.

--
Tim Hammett, Botany Dept, Auckland University, New Zealand.
t.hammett@aukuni.ac.nz   Phone: +64-9-373-7599 x8365    FAX: +64-9-373-7416
From: callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan)
Subject: hair (was Re: qualities in men)
Organization: Johns Hopkins Computer Science Department, Baltimore, MD
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 19:50:24 GMT

kovarik@martha.utcc.utk.edu (StMeechTheThwacked) writes:

>How about a woman who shaves her armpits, but refuses to shave her legs,
>and claims it is a feminist statement?  Looking good, not withstanding?

Well, maybe she just doesn't like having armpit hair.  It's her choice.  The
fact that, as a woman, she can choose where to shave and where not to is the 
statement.  This seems feminist enough. 

As far as I'm concerned, hair is a personal thing, and this should apply
equally to men and women.  I've changed facial hair patterns a lot, and I 
enjoy having the option.  It's clearly unfair to act as if there is something 
wrong (or even unpleasant) about leg hair or armpit hair on women.  It grows 
there naturally; it's not a disease or something.  On the other hand, some 
people don't want all of the hair they are capable of growing, so it's their 
option to remove it.

It does remind me of an odd incident... Years ago, I spent a few months 
shaving the middle out of the beard on my chin (because it never grew quite the
way I wanted it to).  My friends would sometimes comment on it, but it was no 
big deal.  Anyway, one day I looked into the mirror and saw a total maniac 
staring back.  I immediately got rid of the beard and just kept the mustache.  
Has anyone else had this type of experience?

Right now my hair is short and I'm clean-shaven.  It's the longest time period 
(5 months) I've ever gone without a mustache in my adult life.  I like it.  
It's curiously liberating to look generic, because people don't have as many 
preconceptions about who you are.  Before that, I had lots of hair on my head 
(growing *out* as much as it grew down), a mustache, and a goatee.  I have red 
hair (which I like), but the whole effect made me stand out a little more than 
I wanted to.  Sometimes it's more useful to be inconspicuous.

Two incidents (on the same day) made me consider a change in my appearance.
First, a little kid in a park pointed at me and asked his parents "Who's THAT 
man?"  Second, some assholes screamed "Charles Manson!" from the window of 
their car as they passed.  It still took me a few weeks to make the decision.  
Since then, it's allowed me to focus on issues besides the effect of my hair 
on my life, so I have no regrets.

I think what I'd really like is to be able to switch back and forth between
looking weird and looking respectable.
--
Paul Callahan (callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu)   
..who wouldn't mind Usenet so much, 
except you have to go out for espresso,
and there's nobody shouting "Go, Daddy, Go!"
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: rwd4f@poe.acc.Virginia.EDU (Rob Dobson)
Subject: Angst du Jour
Organization: University of Virginia
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1993 17:57:32 GMT


Whats making me angsty right now is that, despite its being January, its
very nice and sunny and warm outside but of course Im inside staring at
a goddam WIN and reading news. Pshaw.

As for the Void, well, the Void is one of the things that gives me true
comfort. I mean, if life had a 'purpose', that is, if life's purpose
could somehow be described in words, what would be the point? Im glad
that life is so, so, so...undescribable and transcendant. It bums
a lot of folks out, that there is no 'point' to life, but the trick
is to stop looking so hard and youll find it, plain as day. It might even
walk up and bite you on the ass.

Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: singram@eng.auburn.edu (Scott Ingram)
Subject: Re: My New Year's Eve
Reply-To: singram@eng.auburn.edu
Organization: Auburn University Engineering
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 03:22:09 GMT

My New Years Eve...

Well, I awoke December 31st sometime around 3:00 p.m. Sat in front of
my terminal lurking in all the newsgroups I had been absent from 
for days.

Went to work.

Work was annoying... very busy until just before midnight, so I was fixxing 
food for all these people partying at the Bar and Grill that employs me.
Thinking over the last few New Year's, I got angry and depressed. Angry
over the fact that I never do anything New Year's, depressed cause there
is nobody to do it with.

Got off work and sat in `The Pit' with the rest of the employees. They were loud
and drinking and moving towards drunk. I grimaced, but sat there for several 
minutes, while people constantly asked me `Marshall, why aren't you drinking?'

These are the same goddamn people who know that I don't drink.

As the group starts the countdown to New Year's, I sit silently.
When they reach `zero' they all shout. I get up and leave.

I go home, look at the answering machine. The zero stares back at me.
Call some friends, no one is at home. Get spiffed up, wearing my
black pants, nin-fixed T-shirt, Nikes, and hair pulled back in a harsh
ponytail.

Drive to various friend/acquaitance houses. No one is home.
Decide to socialize, drive next to the single dance club in the area,
stop my car. I realize if I go in, I am committing myself...
I know people who work there, and they will be amazed if I show up without 
somebody dragging me through the door.

I leave.

Go home, angrier than I've ever been since I matured enough to realize anger
doesn't solve anything (re:6 years). Angry at myself, my situation, my
absolute fear of the opposite sex. (Have a couple of relationships
fuck you over lately? Yep.)

Sit in front of my computer and lurk.

Go to sleep.

Wake up the next day and Scott calls me. I go over to his place. I tell him
that I didn't do anything, except get angry. He tells me that he and Heather
went to the dance club and danced all night.

Heather is the most recent girl to fuck me over.
Scott is my only/best friend.

Sure, I know that he has no romantic envolvement with her. (Yes, I do
in fact KNOW this.) But still... it kinda makes you change your priorities
in life, doesn't it? I mean... I don't know what I mean.

Orion.
From: kovarik@martha.utcc.utk.edu (StMeechTheThwacked)
Subject: Re: Back To Work Angst
Organization: University of Tennessee Computing Center
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1993 18:13:55 GMT

In article <dsmither.726469939@cunews> dsmither@alfred.carleton.ca (Diane Smithers) writes:
>
>Having  survived (barely) 2 and a half years here, I wouldn't dream of
>counting myself lucky.  I'm assuming that you mean because there's
>nothing to do, it must be easier to work.  

Nope!!!!  Having nothing to do, no distractions, does not make it easier for
me to work.  Since I have been in The Hellhole I have lost all motivation 
to do anything.  I do things because I have to, and not because I give a shit.
Not good for someone doing physics research who is supposed to be 
self-motivated.   

The almost complete lack of outside-work activity has plunged me into a
dreary state of ennui and depression, in which the main focus of my thoughts
is:  "Is pursuing an interesting research career in physics worth having
to live in The Hellhole?"  This gets back to the National Lab angst of a while
ago. The point is however, that in spite of having lots of time, and spending
it working, I find myself not as productive as I would like, nor as productive
as when I was a grad student primarily as a result of my mental state. 

>One of the lessons of doing
>a degree in a whitebread, conservative, government town (or any other
>place that is simularly unstimulating) is finding out just how important
>your outside environment is when things don't go well at school (or
>work), often your reason for being in the horrid place to begin with.  You
>discover real fast that you don't have anything to escape into in
>terms of outside culture to make you feel like a real person after the
>grad school process has reduced you to your academic status.  

No escape!!!!! For hundreds of miles in any direction.  I am tired of
being surrounded by retarded, inbred  hicks with buzz cuts, and poofy 
blonde bimbos.  As a source of occasional entertainment, it's not so bad,
but living here, where the cultural quality of life is so low as to be
non-existent, well....

>I did my last degree in Vancouver, and there is a hell of a lot more
>to do there than here, and I would really like to have that situation
>back so that when I AM working and I'd like to take a BREAK from
>working, I wouldn't have to drive either 2 hours to Montreal or 4
>hours to Toronto to DO SOMETHING FUN! ;<
>
>

I spent 12 years living in Toronto.  From Civilization to the Stone Age.

I have come to the conclusion that living in The Hellhole is not worth
the good money they pay me here. 

Sigh....
						Meech
From: rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu (Rachel J. Perkins)
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: General Theory of Depression
Date: 11 Jan 93 15:19:01 GMT
Organization: st. alfonso's pancake breakfast

In article <2387wB1w165w@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca> pmarlowe@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (philip marlowe) writes:
>> > > ObAngst: Every woman I've ever had more than a superficial 
>> > > conversation with has related a tale of sexual abuse and/or
>> > > rape. I think the statistic "one in three women" is, unfortunately,
>> > > too low. Another "image appreciated in our society" would appear
>> > > to be that women are punching bags.
>> >
>> 	Actually, I've seen that some women make up sexual abuse
>> stories to get sympathy. After all, how can we _not_ believe
>> them? One girl I knew ALWAYS had an abuse story about a
>> previous boyfriend -- fortunately I knew the boyfriends and her
>> enough to know the BS she spewed. 
>
> Yeah, but it's a fine line...I mean, the "she must be making it up 
>because the perp. is such a nice guy!" attitude has lead to a LOT of 
>bullshit. Just look at Freud's similar "reasoning" behind the Electra 
>Complex...
>
>
>> 	I question anyone with such a story, which is too bad
>> because obviously some people have serious problems.
>
> Understandible, but not an attitude I care to take. Especially since I'm 
>not a judge, and don't have to make any earth-shattering decisions based
>upon such questionable evidence. I choose to believe with quiet, marginal 
>skepticism.

well, the reason i chose not to press charges was for the very reason that
i would be humiliated by a lawyer and possibly be non-vindicated. then 
there would always be the "she made it up" hanging over my head, not to
mention the utter horror of the courtroom experience in and of itself. i
keep my experience relatively quiet. i didn't tell anyone but my parents
(and the hospital) for 2+years, and now, i feel as though i can deal with
it, deal with myself, deal with telling the people that i trust. of course,
no anyone who reads this and the last message i posted will know. but that's 
ok. i no longer feel ashamed, poweless about it. at least, not right now. 
perhaps tonight, when i try to go to sleep, it'll be different.

bah.
--
		    -just give me what for,
	rachel perkins =  rperkins@astro.as.arizona.edu
      coed naked internet grep! always keep your link up!
Newsgroups: alt.angst
From: kovarik@martha.utcc.utk.edu (StMeechTheThwacked)
Subject: Re: qualities in men
Organization: University of Tennessee Computing Center
Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1993 18:29:59 GMT

In article <1ir61lINN6bd@master.cs.rose-hulman.edu> parkhugj@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Gregory J Parkhurst) writes:
>
>
>Personally, I find myself more attracted to the type of woman who isn't afraid  
>to go to out wearing frumpy clothes, legs unshaved (assuming that this isn't  
>from an inability to look nice, but rather a lack of concern for expected  
>roles) than one who spends hours getting herself "ready" so she can buy  
>groceries.  

How about a woman who shaves her armpits, but refuses to shave her legs,
and claims it is a feminist statement?  Looking good, not withstanding?

[ABOUT SMALLTALK]
>but I would just love to  
>meet someone who didn't find it necessary.
>

How often is that going to happen?  Sounds like wishful thinking to me.
Smalltalk is a safe way to gradually get to know someone. I have a hunch
that if you met someone new who insisted on avoiding this natural
preamble, you'd think they were a loony.

					MEECH
From: callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu (Paul Callahan)
Subject: Re: General Theory of Depression
Organization: Johns Hopkins Computer Science Department, Baltimore, MD
Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1993 21:13:41 GMT

dante@microsoft.com (throated plaid) writes:

>I've certainly been in relationships with women who expected and even
>wanted abuse. 

Ever been in a relationship where the woman effectively refused to grant
straightforward, honest consent to various physical things, so she could
minimize guilt by foisting off all the responsibility on you?

Anyhow, I think I've been in that situation, and I find the mindgames get
extremely aggravating after a while.  I'm basically a straightforward person,
and I was "competing" with guys who were more or less willing to take what
they could get without worrying too much about being honest.

I felt really fucked over, and still feel that way, many years later.
--
Paul Callahan (callahan@biffvm.cs.jhu.edu)   
..who wouldn't mind Usenet so much, 
except you have to go out for espresso,
and there's nobody shouting "Go, Daddy, Go!"