From: mmcalees@cs16.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp
Subject: Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings
Date: 12 Apr 92 21:12:28 GMT
Organization: The Forgotten Legions of... umm... uhh...


   Once again "Those Dudes" proudly present the prolific pontifications
of Sauramud the Wizard, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_
for your enjoyment!  As always, keep those cards and letters coming. 
If you are a beginning wizard and have a question, why not send it in
to mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca?  Aside from the obvious waste of bandwidth, that
is.  Ahem.

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           Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings
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Dear Sauramud: I'm not one to poke fun at the misfortunes of others, but
whenever someone else in the party dies I make fun of them incessantly.
What can I do to change?  The other party members are talking about
gagging me, which would play hell with spellcasting.
Signed:

     Not one to talk

Dear N.O.T.T.: The problem here is that your party just doesn't appreciate
you as a wizard - heck, you're the hardest working of that ugly lot and
they rag on you because you get a little chuckle when one of them bites
the big one?  Let's see if THEY can laugh when they have to spend hours
and hours every day pouring over a blurry spell book with crinkled pages
while everybody else only has to polish his pig-sticker and pick the dead
bits out of his armour.

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Dear Sauramud: No matter how hard I try to disguise myself as a mage,
every big ugly monster our party meets immediately spots me as a magic-
user and directs most of their energy to dropping me fast.  Needless to
say I wind up buying the farm every second adventure.  The rest of the
group is tired of shelling out for raise dead spells, and my health
isn't what it used to be.  Do you have any tips?
Signed:

     Visibly Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: It's the unwritten law kid, everybody can peg a wizard!
All you can do is learn to use the rest of the party more to your advan-
tage.  Hide behind the fighter and shout things like "Hey big ugly mon-
ster - the thief over there says your momma dresses you funny!" Get in the
habit of placing inanimate objects between yourself and the monster;
trees, rocks, dwarves - whatever's handy.  Since most monsters are even
more stupid than a paladin you can sometimes deflect their wrath away
from yourself by appearing harmless.  Try saying something like "Gosh!
I wish now that I hadn't USED UP ALL OF MY SPELLS for today already!"
Then when it's scratching it's big ugly head give it a lightning bolt up
the schnauz!

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Dear Sauramud: I realize this is a little out of your usual column range,
but I need some advice.  I'm a crow, and the familiar of a certain wizard
who shall remain nameless.  My problem is that he tends to forget about
my very existence and treat me like I don't exist (aside from the extra
hit points he gets!)  I haven't been fed for weeks.  When I signed up
for this job, no one told me room and board wasn't included!  What can I
do to make him notice me?
Signed:

     Fading Fast

Dear Fading Fast: You mean some other poor sot got stuck with a CROW
for a familiar?  Couldn't get something really neat like a quasit, or a
brownie!  Must have been Lawful Good - were always getting it up the
backside in the rules aren't we?  I know one poor sot who got a halibut -
the rest of the party filleted it when he went back to the Wizards Guild 
to complain.  Now take my lay-about familiar Whatsisname the cro. . . wait 
a minute!

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Dear Sauramud: I can't figure out all this new selection we wizards are
allowed.  Should I specialize in a sphere or not?  And what ever happened
to the days of one profession for all?
Signed:

     Uncertain

Dear Uncertain: Real wizards don't need spheres!  Back in my time we
used to get up every morning, rain or shine, pull on the ol' pointy hat 
and knuckle down to some serious study of the spell book.  We didn't worry
about wimpy things like 'specialization'.  We were real men dammit -
there was none of this namby pamby I-only-do-spells-dealing-with-kelp.

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Dear Sauramud: Is it considered bad form to cast _charm_person_ on the
other members of the party to cut down on useless chitchat?  I mean,
they'd just do what I advised anyway, right?  After all, I am chaotic
evil.  I gotta have some fun.
Signed:

     Puzzled About Protocol

Dear PAP: You're chaotic evil and you're worried about protocol?  Would
that I had such problems!  Charm them all you want - heck, if you're go
ing to do that why not just polymorph the lot of them into gorgeous
babes too so you can have some fun after they're charmed!  And whoever
said there weren't any perks to being a wizard?

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Dear Sauramud: What's the best place to cast Find Familiar at?  What the
best kind of familiar to have?
Signed:

     Lonely Apprentice Seeking Furry Friend

Dear L.A.S.F.F.: In a word, DON'T!  Have you considered all of the
ramifications of a familiar?  You're just going to have to feed it and
groom it and for what?  A little roving target with your name on it!  If 
you're really lonely for furry friendship I know a monk in town who rents 
out sheep by the hour.

-- 
*     mmcalees@csr.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese) : I speak only for me...       *
  "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." - Oscar Wilde
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp