From: kja@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (krista.j.anderson)
Subject: Forgot to Take my Prozac this Morning......
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: usa
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1993 05:34:07 GMT

Sorry for putting this on the net, but I have no one else to talk to.
Yeah, I forgot to take my Prozac this morning.  I've been taking it
almost a month and this was the first time I forgot.  It was probably
because my daughter had a friend overnight for her birthday and I was
too busy getting breakfast etc and forgot to take my pill.

Then her dad called me at work complaining as usual about how our
8-year-old is driving him crazy.  It was bumming me out, but I just
listened and tried to offer suggestions as usual.

Then when I picked her up from school I said we were finally going to
go to Tae Kwon Do classes again because we'd missed 2-3 weeks on account
of the holidays and my having the flu.  As usual, she didn't want to go.
So I went nuts.  I've done it before on this same conflict, but last 
time we argued about going to TKD I said if we ever got into it like that
again that I would give up and let/make her quit and just start going
by myself instead.

So tonight I had to face it; it's time to give up.

I have given up on 2 husbands; I have given up on her dad twice.
Now I have to give up on my favorite part of life - going to TKD with
my daughter.  I've told her in the past how much it meant to me.
Now it's gone.  We can never do it again.

I can't take the arguments anymore.

Tonight I was emotionally abusive toward her.  The last time we argued
about TKD I came close to being physically abusive as well.

The thing is, why can't anybody ever do anything I want?

Sure, I can keep going to TKD alone.  And, as I told her, it will even
be more convenient and less expensive for me to go alone.  But damn it
why do I have to do everything alone?

One of the main reasons I got into TKD was for my daughter's benefit
because she's had developmental delays from birth and I thought TKD
would be good exercise for her strength, coordination and balance.
But I can't make her like it.  She went to Easter Seals for many years
and never complained because she knew she needed the therapy and had
accepted it.

Maybe I'm taking it too personally, but I do feel hurt as well as
disappointed.

I hate my life.  I enjoyed work the past 2 days after being on vacation
and then out sick.  But I hate my home life.  There was a while there
when I was happily married, but his drinking and abuse ended all that.

Ok, this being the net, I guess I ought to ask some questions in order
to generate discourse.  Hell, is that the right word or a malapropism?
Who cares; here's the questions:

1. Anybody got a slightly used gun for sale?  (just kidding)
2. What are you supposed to do if you get to work and realize you've
forgotten to take your Prozac?
3. Can a mere 18 hours without the normal level of Prozac cause an
hysterical outburst in someone who was often hysterical before starting
on Prozac?  If so, do I just keep taking it the rest of my life or what?
   By the way, one thing I really noticed when I started on the Prozac
was that it reduced my normal anxiety completely.  It hasn't made me
feel happy (maybe that's still up to me) but it has made me feel more
calm until tonight.
4. I feel I could almost be happy if I didn't have to deal with
   a. my daughter and b. her dad and c. my stupid ex who keeps calling.
Is there a way to take a vacation from certain people?  I mean, I could
tell my exes to fuck off for a while, but I don't see how I can get
away from my kid.  I don't think her dad could handle her for more than
his half of the weeks since he'd not in much better psychological shape
than I am.
I certainly don't want to do anything that would make me lose custody
permanently like having her sent to a foster home temporarily or 
something like that.  Besides, that might be traumatic; she might blame
herself for my illness etc.
My parents are too old to care for her.  One of my sisters is a bitchy
reclusive pychologist.  Another is also depressed and drinks a lot.
My brother has enough problems.  My youngest sister is the healthiest,
but I kind of hate to impose on her life with a kid that could make
her depressed too, since she has been depressed in the past.

Maybe I will call the bitchy psychologist and the drunk tomorrow to
see if either one feels competent to take the kid for a while.  But
that would interfere with her school since she's in first grade.
Or maybe her school would think a mutual vacation would be good for
all of us.

Well, one more question.
5. How come some people commit suicide and others just keep plugging
away in misery or maybe some day become hysterical in public and then
go in a hospital for a while while their friends all sympathize about
their nervous breakdown?

Naturally I wouldn't want my daughter to be orphaned and stuck with only
her creepy father and have to spend the rest of her life wondering why
the old lady knocked herself off.  And yet, is her life the way it is
much better?  I have even wondered if she might be better off dead too,
and I guess that's really crazy.  The main reason I started taking
Prozac was to be a better mother, since I know it must be hell having
a parent that's depressed.


My drunken sister always keeps a lot of guns lying around in case she
ever decides to use one.  Not me.  I decide to buy a gun when I'm
hysterical but then when I calm down I don't.  I thought of drowning
too, but it's so cold and I'm a good enough swimmer it could take hours.

Actually, the best way, I've come to think, is CO2.  It takes some
planning, right, tget a hose or something with the exhaust into
the car.  If you were too incompetent to make a hole in the floor
of your car, could you put the hose in the window, or would the crack
in the window put in enough fresh air to ruin it?

I remember in 1974 when I was in my worst depressive episode ever,
after having mononucleosis.  When I got better I realized how insane
it was to have lived through that and vowed if I ever felt that bad
again, I would kill myself.  Well, in truth I don't feel *that* bad.
I haven't lost hope, I guess.
But I sure could use a vacation away from my stupid life.

Oh, one more question.
6. How the hell do you go to work the next day after crying and losing
sleep when your eyes are going to be all red and half swollen shut?

Well, sorry about all this garbage.  Why don't I just delete it instead
of posting it?  I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.  Just ignore it,
except if anyone has ideas on how to take vacation from a kid, let me
know!
(Actually, if I can just hold out till Friday, it will be her Dad's
week to have her and I will get a vacation.)
P.S. I recommended to her tonight that she not have any kids, and
I recommend to anyone who has depression running in their family,
don't do it, they'll drive you crazy!  With my luck she'll probably
have an illegitimate kid like I did, except in my case I'll get stuck
taking care of the grandkid.
-- 
Krista Anderson, krista@ihlpf.att.com  or  ihlpf!krista@att.att.com
I don't want to be here; I want to be in an Agatha Christie novel,
or in a musical, like Mary Poppins.
Newsgroups: sci.psychology