Newsgroups: soc.women,soc.men,alt.child-support
Subject: Re: Duck and Jive (was Re
From: lisa@oneb2.almanac.bc.ca
Date: Wed, 06 Jan 93 10:30:17 PST
Organization: The Old Coot's (Spare) Almanac

sbishop@desire.wright.edu writes:

> In article <C0DzKr.Ix0@srgenprp.sr.hp.com>, sam@sad.hp.com (Vicky Hansen) wri
> > aaron.l.hoffmeyer (noraa@cbnewsk.cb.att.com) wrote:
> > : statistics from the US
> > : Census Bureau show that 90.2% of all fathers with joint custody and
> > : ample visitation with their children pay their child support on-time,
> > : all the time. 
> > : when children are denied visitation with a non-custodial parent (AKA as
> > : Dad), child support compliance drops to a mere 44%.  Yet, over and
> > : over, I keep seeing that people separate these two issues.  The
> > : statistics are telling.  If you want full compliance of child support,
> >   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> > : let fathers be involved with their children, let them see their
> > : children, let them care for their children.  When that happens, child
> > : support is paid.

Excuse me Aaron, according to the stats as you've quoted them, 90.2% of
these NCPs pay, not 100%.  The point I assume you're trying to make here
is that stats indicate that most NCPs who enjoy AND UTILIZE ample access
to their children, are far more likely to pay support, as required; especially
if their input is sought regularly with respect to on-going issues and events
that arise with their children.

In my case, and countless others (even if we're the minority), my ex sees the
kids very regularly, is advised of special events (ie. track meets, school
concerts, parent-teacher interviews, etc.) and his relationship with our
children is encouraged by me, DESPITE the fact that he grows evermore
unwilling to pay support (he's in default for thousands of dollars, $13,500
of which I've which I've voluntarily forgiven to date, leaving him still in arrears
for over $13,000).  In court this past Monday, my ex did nothing but accuse me
of everything from financial extravagance, to extortion and deliberately
misleading the courts.  However, he had absolutely NO evidence to substantiate
his assaults on my character, while I did no mud-slinging, and simply presented
the facts, which I also substantiated with concrete evidence.  He had a lawyer,
I didn't.  I won.

The judge said in his remarks, that it was very apparent to him that;

a) My ex makes a very nice income which is more than twice mine, even in his
   worst years,
b) My ex is quite capable of paying the ordered support while still enjoying
   ample income for a very comfortable lifestyle for himself, and
c) My ex has not paid out of nothing more than "a disinclination to pay anything
   to Mrs. Graham" (myself, though I no longer use the name Graham), and that
d) The court was satisfied that my position was reasonable and legitimate, as
   was the order for support payments that my ex was contesting.

> > : is it a woman's "responsibility" to ensure that her children
> > : maintain a relationship with their father after a divorce
> > : Are any of them guilty of shirking on this responsibility?
> > 
The responsibility of ensuring that children maintain relationships with
both parents is joint, in my opinion.  However, if the NCP doesn't
exercise their right to access, the CP is the one who is left drying the
tears of the children and trying to explain, as gently as possible, why
the NCP is not pursuing a parental relationship.

In my case (again), our girls
are getting old enough now, that they're starting to ask why Daddy can afford
to take them skiing, etcetera, but won't send money to help me buy snow boots
and orthopaedic footwear needed by our youngest.  So here I am, trying to explain
that Daddy's apparently still mad at Mommy for reasons of his own, and apparently
cannot see that the money he refuses to contribute for child support, hurts them
more than it does me.  Its an ugly business that should be totally unneccessary.
Despite my growing disinterest in my ex's welfare, I strive to reassure the girls that
Daddy does love them very much (that's a hard one for me to pull off, I can
assure you!), and that with time and patience, he may come around ( I sincerely
doubt it, but who knows?).

I am also certain that there are female CPs out there who do "shirk their
responsibilities" with regard to encouraging access, but I'm not sure they're
the majority in this instance.  I doubt it.  As much as I love my children, its
kinda nice to have them with their Dad sometimes, giving me some time to enjoy
activities that I might not otherwise be able to.  Granted, most of the times that
the girls are away, I miss them fiercely.  At times, I also worry that they won't
be returned.

> > I agree that the statistics are telling but maybe not what you are 
> > implying.  Those fathers who had a great relationship with their children
> > before the divorce and who, therefore, got joint custody are certainly
> > likely to pay support.  However, not all fathers who have little visitation
> > are being 'denied' such rights by the mother -- some don't bother asking.
> > 
> 
> This does happen.  My co-worker's husband walked out a year after they
> had adopted two children.  He did not even see the children for an ENTIRE
> year, although she called him regularly, begging him to visit them.  It
> has been seven years, he is almost seven years in arrears on his child 
> support, very irregular on his visits, and claims that paying child support
> only benefits his ex-wife so he won't pay.  She's had him in court repeatedly
> attached his wages, he just changes jobs and she has to go through the 
> whole thing all over again.  Meanwhile she is still paying off *HIS*
> student loans that were taken out in both their names, drives a 10 year
> old car she hopes will last just a little longer..... and tries not to
> be bitter...
>
Yep, I know the feeling...

> My friend Marie's ex- told her that she could keep 'her' daughter, he only
> wanted 'his' son.  
> 
There's dinosaurs everywhere.  Nasty, malicious ones, too!  These types of
stories make you wonder how many generations its going to take us before
any tangible healing of social relationships really occurs.

Lisa

               lisa@oneb2.almanac.bc.ca (Lisa Lambeth)
                      The Old Coot's Almanac
               Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada
                    Courtesy the old coot hisse'f!
Newsgroups: soc.women