HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: asar.309@wpi.wpi.edu  
Subject:  Looking for advice...
Followup-To: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
X-Aps2-Version: 2.1
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service @ WPI
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 12:30:45 GMT

I am lost and looking for some help...

My girlfriend (ex-girlfriend) was raped and got pregnant about a year ago.  She told me about it about three months after it happened.  At first things went ok but as time went on everything go progressively worse.  

The last time I saw her was about 6 months ago.  I try to set up time to see her on the weekend (we live in different cities) but every time I try to set up something she always becomes busy at the last minute.  

She is trying to start dating again.  I know that she has been out on at least a few dates since the last time I saw her.  I would think that it would be time to give up and step aside but once in awhile she'll call me and tell me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me.  She does this about once every other month. 

I could use some advice on where to go from here.  I realize that we'll probably never date again.  I want to try to stay friends but part of me is thinking that the reason that she doesn't want to see me is that I remind her of a past that she wants to forget.

Thanks in advance for the help.


























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From: v039eag3@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Amy R Phillips)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Overt paedophilia IS sexual abuse (Re: sex/power)
Date: 6 Apr 92 05:34:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Apr3.163838.12947@midway.uchicago.edu>, gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl) writes...
>In article <1847@transfer.stratus.com>, Laurie Mann writes:
>> 
>> 
>> ....  For those of us 
>> who were sexually abused as children, it is impossible to view
>> overt paedophilia as anything BUT child sexual abuse.  
>> Period.  End of discussion.
>> 
> 
> 
>Agree.

Ditto
From: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Bron)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: thelma and louise (movie)
Date: 15 Apr 92 20:47:11 GMT
Article-I.D.: mentor.45629
Reply-To: Bede_Jarrow@hikssrv.lib.purdue.edu (Bron)

I saw the movie "Thelma and Louise" for the first time Sunday night and was
appalled at my feelings:  I found myself cheering these women on for committing
crimes!  lately I've gotten in touch with a lot of anger I have towards men,
especially ones in authority.  (I must say that I do not feel angry at any men
on this net, nor really men in general).  It was good to see women as
non-victims.  Intellectually I don't think crime is good, and I think there are
more positive ways to deal with an abusive past.  But something in me cheered
for them.  I think it was Thelma who was the more passive character at the
beginning and she really came alive during the movie, letting her hair down,
making choices, taking risks.  In some ways I feel I'm doing that lately
(although cerntainly not committing crimes.)  I was happy for her.  How did
others feel about this movie?

Bron
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: twnv6@isuvax.iastate.edu
Subject: seeing
Reply-To: twnv6@isuvax.iastate.edu
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1992 21:59:57 GMT

	I have another problem I would like some help on.  How do other people
deal with seeing their perps?  I was raped by my best friend six months ago,
and I see him all the time.  We live in the same residence-hall complex, so I
see him sometimes in the commons or at food service.  I also see him sometimes
on campus.  And the worst part, he is now dating one of the girls on my floor,
who I happen to be very good friends with, and most of our friends are the
same.  I can't seem to get away from him!!!  And he can't understand why I     
refuse to have anything to do with him, he seems to think that I should be able 
to forgive him.  ARGH!!  The entire situation just makes me mad!!  He STILL    
claims that he did nothing wrong, and that I made the whole thing up.  Which is 
why he thinks I should forgive him.  I just don't know what to do about the    
situation.  I have remidied part of the problem though, I will be living in a
different complex next year.  But what can I do abnout the now?  I really hate
to have anything to do with him, but I don't want to lose friends either.  A
few of my friends also refuse to have anything to do with him, but those are
only the ones here at school that I have told.  HELP!?!?!?  Please!?!?!  Any
advise or suggestions would be VERY helpful.  Thanks in advance.

	*e-hugs and warm thoughts to those who want them*

		pj

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: minkpup@IASTATE.EDU (Lisa E Peterson)
Subject: Re: Death takes a perpetrator
Reply-To: minkpup@IASTATE.EDU (Lisa E Peterson)
Organization: Iowa State University
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 02:41:43 GMT

Lions and Tigers,

My uncle died about 12 years ago and even though I was happy when he died, at
the time I wouldn't allow myself to remember what he'd done to me when I was 3-4
years old (I always knew, just didn't allow myself to think about it).
When I first started dealing with the abuse, my SO was furious and wanted me to
at least confront my parents about it (they really couldn't have controlled what
happened to me anyway since they had no idea).  We sat around thinking up ways
for me to get angry at him and get it out without me actually needing a
confrontation by coming up with a dozen variations of defiling his grave (my
personal favorites are leaving a dozen dead roses  and writing "this man was a
child molester!" on his grave by using Round-up herbicide). I've also written a
dozen letters to him even though he's been dead for so long.

The greatest thing to come out of his death, was the fact that my aunt remarried
3 or 4 years later, to a man that was my uncle's complete opposite.
Her second husband is a terrific, loving man compared to the other guy who was
pretty much disliked by everyone in the family.  It's a shame she had to live
with him for so long before she finally had the chance to hook up with someone
who deserves her (she's a great lady).

No one likes to see another person die, even if they do deserve it.  My perps 
funeral was very difficult for me because I felt guilty for hating him when I
was told "to speak kindly of the dead" or somesuch by my mom.  In fact, I barely
remember it.  Going to the funeral is up to you...it may help you in your
healing if you can see that  he definitely will no longer be able to hurt you.

Love, peace and green m&ms, (or other colors if you want)

Moo-Cow   :-)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Steve Russell)
Subject: Re: Friend in trouble with violent boyfriend
Summary: This is Sherri, not Steve
Organization: University of Maryland at College Park
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1992 19:58:55 GMT


{In response to woman wondering what to say to a friend who is in
an abusive relationship}

I can really relate to the confusion you are feeling!  Having lived with
a guy whose solution to my saying things he didn't like to hear was to
put his hands around my neck and squeeze me to silence, I know how hard it 
is to see other people, especially a friend, going through the same thing.
And in this situation, I'm always wondering, 'Am I concerned for my friend
or am I just trying to make up for my past?'

Well, perhaps the best thing would be to try to write it all out in a letter
to send her?  That would allow you to get your thoughts together better.
After writing it, you could send it to her or make it into a mental outline
for when you talk with her, if you eventually choose to.  I wish you strength
in this!  

Oh, footnote to my situation:  I have no contact with the guy anymore, but I
did hear years after I finally moved out that he was in therapy (I know he
was working on his rage, but I don't know if he was ever honest about his
real violence).  I realized then that in order for him to get help he probably
needed for me to leave, and having abused me as long as he did probably didn't
help him either (if he'd had a little less guilt to face, it would have been
easier to get help, perhaps?)  Well, I didn't leave for _his_ sake in the
first place, but I don't think much of the "I have to stay, he _needs_ me"...
one is usually doing more harm than good.

sherri

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: Sherri needs help
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date: 17 Apr 1992 08:50 EST  

In article <1992Apr17.005847.29085@wam.umd.edu>, sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Steve Russell) writes...
>So, like, it's really likely that I'm just making it all up, right?  
>Still feels that way.
>

I would say not really likely.  Sometimes I think like that, and I remember 
what I read about "Why would we make this disgusting stuff up?"  I tend to 
trust my memories, no matter how disjointed.  Not *always* trust them, 
sometimes I try to make it all better by pretending it didn't happen.

>I feel so wimpy, and fucked up, and mush-brained, and ineffectual--
> 

That makes two of us.  I still refuse to give up details, thinking that 
maybe I have to believe I did nothing wrong before I can tell others.  
Actually I need to tell others before I believe I did nothing wrong.  Weird 
thing, this healing.  
Forgive yourself for not telling.  For whatever reason, it didn't feel 
right, so you didn't do it.  That is acceptable.

>(All responses and ehugs appreciated and begged for)

Then you shall have them.  *HUG*  *HUG*  *HUG*

Gentleness to all.
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
From: luallin2386@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: The wonderful world of recovery
Date: 7 Apr 92 12:12:30 -0500
Organization: University of Northern Iowa

In article <43961@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, sabolps2@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Paul Sabol) writes:

I will trust them...I will belive them...I will love them.
> I guess you just plain lose?  But I win...Nicky, Blaise and Paul all
> win!


> 
Paul,

Thanks for posting this!!!! I need it....I need to read it again, when I'm
alone and safe and can react to it....I'm *still* repressing whatever it is I
feel torwards my perp....and I can feel things move inside me when I read
this...I'll read it again, and maybe I'll let myself lose, let myself feel....

Sarah
From: gery@midway.uchicago.edu (Black Pearl)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: I'm angry today
Date: 7 Apr 92 18:27:24 GMT
Article-I.D.: midway.1992Apr7.182724.16958
Organization: University of Chicago

In article <44128@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>, Bron writes:
 
> ...--what if I get into trouble?  I think I may talk to others about it and
> show people the letters and maybe revise them before I give them to the
> individuals.
> 
> I'd like some feedback on this situation and my arguments.  How have other
> people handled inequalities and co-workers not doing their fair share?

I hope I don't get long-winded here, but I'm going to take a stab at this.
Whenever I found myself reacting this strongly to a situation at work (or
elsewhere for that matter), it usually turned out that there were two
components to my anger: 1) the justifiable anger at being treated
unfairly; and 2) the concomitant rage at my parents for treating me
unfairly. While I was helpless to prevent #2 from being triggered by
and attached to #1, at the same time it was pretty important that I
didn't let my =reactions= to #2 get attached to my =reactions= to #1,
because it would not only be inappropriate, but it also served to
block me from getting what I wanted, which was an end to #1. In
fact, if anything, being so emotional gave those I was angry at
justification in their continued unfair treatment of me. (BTW, I
think I've plagiarized from Hineni here).

So! What worked for me was to =first= do something about #2. It seems
everybody has different ways of dissipating anger; some people hit
pillows with tennis rackets (this just makes me angrier). What I do
is write a letter(s), as you did, without censorship. I'd call the coTA
and prof every weasely epithet I could think of. Of course, these
letters get trashed, BUT, the act of writing them usually eventually
cleared my mind enough that I could react to the #1 situation with the
appropriate amount of healthy anger and control of my behavior. In no
way are the letters meant to substitute taking action about #1, they
are meant to prevent reactions from #2 from "lacing" reactions to #1.

The reason I haven't addressed your specific situation is that I never
found it helpful to focus on end results since I can't control what
other people do. But I trust my instincts about when I'm being treated
unfairly (well, I try to!), and I know what I want, and I know why I'm
angry. If you can state your grievances calmly, without making demands
on prof & coTa about how you expect them to respond, they will probably
respond to your show of controlled strength by having more respect for
you. If, after doing that, or that is what you've already done, it 
might be time to go over their heads. But I used to have to rethink my
behavior. Lots of times I thought I was stating my needs clearly but
after requesting feedback, learned that I had been vague and whiney,
and they just ignored me ("oh, it must be that time of the month" ARG!)

Good luck to you! You are obviously doing your best in a frustrating
situation. Trust in yourself to do the right thing; I do!

Friends in healing,
Black Pearl
From: aberson@enh.nist.gov
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: RE: i'mscaredi'mscaredTHEHELLIAM!!
Date: 16 Apr 92 17:33:59 GMT
Organization: NIST

I find some of what you say here helpful, but some of it scares me.

In a previous article, rmr@acsu.buffalo.edu (Richard M. Romanowski) wrote:
>	Realize that as a survivor, there are no more terrors.  This especially
>applies to me because it's happened over and over again -- progressively 
>crushing the weak bits that want to forgive or assign blame.  It is no longer
>a question of blame -- it is a question of who must be killed in order that
>the cycle of rape may be SMASHED and utterly obliterated.

While, as a previous poster mentioned, I have my fantasies about doing things
to my perps, horrible destructive things, I do not believe anyone must be
killed to end the cycle of rape.  I no longer feel ashamed of those fantasies
as I once did, because now I understand how destructively these "people"
treated me and it is only right that I be angry and want to hurt them.
However, I cannot see killing anyone.

>	We have seen the worst.  There is nothing more.  Death is a mercy 
>compared to rape.  We therefore have nothing to fear.  

I believe I would rather be raped and survive, since I now have the tools
to survive, than be killed.

>	If, like me, your first memory of human interaction is being raped,
>contemplate that you NEVER were a virgin, that you have no human virtues to
>be stained.

I do not believe that being a virgin is the only human virtue, nor do I believe
that in and of itself it is necessarily a virtue at all.  This is a strange 
thing to contemplate.

>You are a changeling, a thing of darkness cast out from the weak
>world of humans.  The things that can hurt humans cannot stop you. 

I believe I am human, quite different than most  :-)
but human nonetheless.  I'm not sure what you are saying here.

>You may
>feel pain -- your body may experience damage -- but they cannot kill the
>Will to Survive;  they cannot kill the Will to Break the Cycle.  All that
>is powerful, all that causes the cosmos to be, is Natural:  Rape is Unnatural,
>and therefore the whole evolutionary destiny of the Universe is on your side.

This I agree with.

>	You do not need human allies.  

Do, too.  Look at Prisoner's posts for more of an explanation.

>It is better to die than to be
>raped:  therefore death is not to be feared -- nor is it to be desired.  If
>you are dead you do not know what will happen.  

I disagree as I said above.


                                                                        __
    Sim David Aberson   Ft. Lauderdale, FL   aberson%3338.span@sdsc.edu \/
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: geroldf@sdd.hp.com (Gerold Firl)
Subject: Re: Definition of abuse?
Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division
Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1992 20:02:07 GMT

sabolps2@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Paul Sabol) writes:

<long discussion of childhood sexual development deleted. Paul, I should
point out that some of the statements which seemed to be attributed to
me were actually posted by someone else, I think it was Alan Emtage>

>......................................................... I do have
>one question...how do you plan to MAKE SURE that your children don't
>get into an exploitative relationship?  Let me suggest one answer now,
>You may already have reduced the chances of such a relationship.  Just
>by you keeping to your parenting ideals you have given a safe sexual 
>environment!  Way to go.

As much as I would like to make sure that they come to no harm, I don't
really expect to be able to do this. My 6 year old is a pretty private 
person, and though I try to keep our communication channels as open as
possible I think that she feels the need to establish her own domain
where she can try things outside her parents' control. I can accept that.
She is very sensible, and I trust her judgement. I hope that she will be
comfortable talking with me about questions that trouble her. She's a
pretty independant thinker, so I won't be totally shocked if I find that
she does some things that I don't approve of, especially in the teenage
years. But I would be very surprised if she ever did anything really
destructive to herself or anyone else. She's too level-headed and kind 
to see any harm done to others, and has too much self-esteem to allow 
anyone to take advantage of her. 

yet another parent-in-training - gerold
-- 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Disclaimer claims dat de claims claimed in dis are de claims of meself,
me, and me alone, so sue us god. I won't tell Bill & Dave if you won't.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=----   Gerold Firl @ ..hplabs!hp-sdd!geroldf
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: gberger@hubcap.clemson.edu (gary l berger)
Subject: Re: relationships - jeeeesh
Organization: Clemson University
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 16:10:20 GMT



I am learning an awful lot here, reading the posts and all.  I have realized
in counseling that there is a schizm or polarization in my personality.  The
polarization seems to be the me that I am emotional garbage and all and the
me that I think people want me to be, adult, detached, relaxed etc.  So as
a result I keep pushing me down.  In the midst of all this, I really don't know
who I am.  I vacilate between the personalities.  Sometimes, in my defense
I blame my wife for everything, in my cognition, I blame me for everything.
What a ball of shit.  

Thanks for your response.  We have decided that complete separation with
no contact is what is needed.  This is tough, but I have become pretty
destructive towards her.  In my hurt, I say some pretty assinine things.

I admit that it take to to tango.  I know that there are faults on both sides.
She also has some wounds from me.  She needs to heal and recover before we 
can start any dialogue (sp?).  

Thanks for your concern.

.

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: gberger@hubcap.clemson.edu (gary l berger)
Subject: Child/schizm
Summary: Child/schizm/bipolar/mutilple personalities
Organization: Clemson University
Distribution: alt
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1992 16:26:34 GMT

I am not sure where to start here but here goes.  Some time ago there
was a thread about finding your inner-child.  This developed into a talk
about outer-children.  I found this pretty interesting.  There seems
to be a duality to my personality that really frustrates me.  

There is this side of my that is angry, hurt, creative, and very scared.
There is this other side of me that is removed, analytical, critical,
and compliant.  It seems as though the two shall never meet.  Depending
on the amount of emotional energy that is present in the former it seems as
though I determine where I will operate.  If there is alot of anger, I operate
from the former, if not, then the latter.  

Is this duality what the inner child dialogue is about?  If this is the
case, how does one move towards integration?  How do I make the two meet?

As I mentioned in another post, the me that is emotional, angry, vital,
I have labled as being bad.  The other me, calculating, adult, etc. is what
I believe the world wants.  So I crucify myself.  I put the other me to 
death.  I am afraid that other people don't want the other me.  

Anyway, I have always been confused about what I feel and what I want.  There 
is such a high level of ambivalance and vacilation.  It makes it almost     
impossible to know what I want or what to do.

Any insight available???



Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: Laurie Mann
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: "Theraputic" movies (Re: thelma and louise (movie))
Date: 17 Apr 92 12:05:39 GMT
Reply-To: lmann@vineland.pubs.stratus.com

luallin2386@iscsvax.uni.edu writes
>and don't forget Dangerous Liasons, which is, imho, the absolute BITCHIEST
>movie ever made, a HS friend and I used to rent it whenever the PMS got bad...
>*snork* and every time you watch it, you catch a new element that you missed
>before....

Dangerous Liasons made me feel very uncomfortable.  I vastly prefer
Milos Forman's Valmont, which stars the wonderful Annette Benning
and Colin Firth (?) in the lead roles.  Valmont has many of the same
twists and turns, but it's much more fun.

* NeXT: lmann@vineland.pubs.stratus.com  GEnie,AOL: Laurie.Mann *
***    I guess we all have to fall apart a little, once in    ***
***   a while, in order to rebuild our dreams.  Tappan King   ***
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: fields@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Matthew Fields)
Subject: Re: Hi Nancy
Organization: University of Michigan EECS Dept., Ann Arbor
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1992 13:38:31 GMT

In article <1992Apr4.183057.19076@wpi.WPI.EDU> asar.202@wpi.wpi.edu (Super Otter)  writes:
>Hi Nancy.  Thanks for the welcome back.  I always enjoy your postings.  Now get
>an ap mailbox at Berkeley like the rest of us!   :-)  Are you trying to drive
>me out of the woodwork?  (Matt the musician has tried and failed....   :-)   )
>
>Super Otter

Huh?
ap.3068@layout.berkeley.edu
fields@eecs.umich.edu
From: v130py5w@ubvmsc.cc.buffalo.edu (ReNeE)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: no green m&m's for me
Date: 6 Apr 92 20:55:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

sorry eveyone about not using the [deleted material] and posting stuff
that was way to long. I'll learn to use the [] o.k. so i'm going to go
sit in the corner.

peace to all who want it!
e-hugs to all who need them!!

ReNeE
From: blackbourner@bvc.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Is this abuse?
Date: 9 Apr 92 18:25:24 CDT
Organization: Buena Vista College, Storm Lake, IA

> When I was like 6 or 7 years old, there were these two 16 and 17-year old 
> girls who forced me to come with them to the forest, forced me to take my 
> clothes off and then to show them what I had...I was so embarrassed by this 
> that I never told anyone and forgot about it until a few months ago I 
> remembered...
> The second incident was a result of my stupidity, I made a bet and 
> misunderstood ...there was a group of boys who made me undress myself in 
> front of them and started grading my appearnnce at the same time-I was 7, I 
> guess, I have a very vague picture of what happened because I was so 
> embarrassed about it all, again...


This sounds like sexual  abuse to me.

Erin Sue
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery