From: deadshot@world.std.com (Kei J. Morgan)
Subject: Re: A test for "Kei"!
Organization: Wedge Defense Force--Troubleshooting Division
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 08:22:21 GMT

In article <1992Apr13.082708.16980@usenet.ins.cwru.edu> bn981@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Ryan Mathews) writes:
>
>Okay, we've seen a lot of posts from people calling themselves "Kei".
>Two people to be exact.  One is calling the other a fraud, but that
>one claims to have a last name of Morgan, which doesn't sound like
>any Kei I know.
>

Of _course_ I don't sound like any Kei you know...the only Kei you're familiar
with is that airheaded mockery Toren Smith and Adam Warren came up with.  The
simple truth of the matter is, I happen to be genuine.  Deal.

>So I have designed the following test, to determine whether any of Kei's
>postings to the net are authentic, or just clever AIs developed by
>universities whose initials sound like "whippy".
>

I beg your pardon...I believe if you check the headers, there is no mention
whatever of WPI.  Sure, WPI has a lot to do with my roots, but...

(Oh, right...you didn't read _Undocumented Features_.  Not enough action, or
something like that.

>I challenge all potential Kei's to take this test and post the results.
>Then we shall see if we are blessed with the presence of the One True Kei.
>

Fine.  I'm insulted, but I'll take your test.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>SECTION I -- MULTIPLE CHOICE (Choose one and only one)
>
>1)  My favorite accessory is _____
>    a) a lime-green scarf
>    b) a red bandanna
>    c) a compact missile launcher
>

Hmm.  I can see where this is headed.  How demeaning.  Obviously you've slanted
this test toward that Eclipse airhead.  Oh well, I said I'd take it and I'm
taking it, and my answer is...hmmm...c. 

>2)  _____ are a girl's best friend.
>    a) Diamonds
>    b) Puppies
>    c) .44 caliber teflon-coated exploding shells
>

Again, I'd have to say c...the first two are nice, damn straight, but well...
in my profession, tools are more important, you know?

>3)  My idea of the perfect date is :
>    a) An elegant dinner with ballroom dancing
>    b) A romantic movie, followed by a moonlight walk
>    c) A roller derby match, the consumption of copious amounts of pizza 
>       and beer, followed by slam-dancing.
>

b.  No question about this one.  Just ask Ben.
    
>4)  The perfect man would have _____
>    a) a charming wit
>    b) a large bank account
>    c) an incredibly huge #### (censored by Usenet smut squad)
>

a.  Once again, no question.  And I'm quite insulted by your tone.
    
>5)  While dropping in unannounced on your boyfriend, you discover him engaged
>       in a passionate affair with another woman.  Do you:
>    a) run away and call him later
>    b) scream at him at the top of your lungs
>    c) calmly walk to where his car is parked, remove the grenade you 
>       keep in your purse, arm it, toss it in
>

d (none of the above).  This happened once, a long time ago.  I asked what
was going on and got shot at.  Things got messy.
    
>6)  When I was a little girl, my favorite present was _____.
>    a) the Barbie doll I got for my sixth birthday
>    b) the Teddy Bear I got for my fourth birthday
>    c) the chemistry set I got for Christmas, with which I made my first bar
>       of plastique
>

I was never a little girl.  Next question.
    
>7)  The best gun to carry on a mission is _____.
>    a) a Smith and Wesson series 75 pulse handgun, because it is accurate and
>       easily concealable
>    b) a Colt 65C-X, because it can fire 100 times without changing power
>       packs
>    c) an AK-4700 pulse cannon with high-explosive, armor-piercing grenade
>       launcher, because it doesn't matter if you miss
>

b.  AK-4700s are unconcealable, heavy, awkward, and jam like a sonofabitch 
when overheated.  (Which happens a lot the way I fight...)
    
>8)  My favorite feature on the Lovely Angel is _____.
>    a) the engines, which allow us to outrun almost any other craft
>    b) the exciting massage showers
>    c) the 50-megaton, slightly illegal nuclear warhead which we have hidden
>       on board and which I can't wait for an excuse to use
>

Ok, you win--c.
    
>9)  My favorite part of my body is _____.
>    a) my legs
>    b) my breasts
>    c) my trigger finger
>    

*sigh*  You really are reaching, aren't you?  Again I answer d (none of the
above).  I've always been rather partial to my eyes.

>10) After retiring from the 3WA, I plan to:
>    a) marry a wonderful man and make lots of babies
>    b) write a book about the Dirty Pair and get rich
>    c) found my own mercenary corps
>

Retire?  Whatever for?  I'll be doing my job long after you, Mr. Mathews,
are dust.

>SECTION II -- ESSAY
>
>1) Scenario:  You have been assigned to liberate a fuel-processing plant
>that is being held by terrorists.  The only tools available to you are a
>fake ID, a length of cable, and an incendiary grenade launcher.  Remember,
>this plant produces highly volatile fuel!
>

Ok.  This could take some work, but it's doable.  As long as Yuri is back at
home where she can't accidentally blow the whole thing up, I'm fine.  First,
I'll attempt to get past the guards using the fake ID...if that doesn't work
there's always melee and cable tricks.  Hmm...now...ok, I'll make a mental
note to strangle the idiot who gave me an _incendiary_ grenade launcher to
liberate a _fuel-processing plant_ with--brilliant.  Let's see.  Liberate...
that would seem to indicate that I need to get rid of all the terrorists. Ok,
that's doable...I can use the cable and the ID to hack into the automatic
teller machine by the door, and then from there to the central computer, where
I can set off a -- oh, screw it, I'll pull the fire alarm, that'll get rid of
them.

There, and all without firing a shot.

>2) Scenario:  At an adjoining table at a restaurant, you see male swimsuit
>model Rex Ratcliffe.  You want him.  Real bad.  Seduce him.
>

Whatever for?  I'm perfectly happy with what I have.  Piss off.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>OKAY!  All you supposed Kei's out there, I dare you to take this test!
>

It's taken.  Chew on that, you lech.

--Kei

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh how annoying...UNIX doesn't seem to support virtual reality."
	--Yuri
Email deadshot@world.std.com		Bellnet (508)791-2539
Snailmail Kei J. Morgan, WPI Box 570, 100 Institute Road, Worcester, MA 01609
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