From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  4/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:13 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
66
        How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
        the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
        if I touch this... YOW!!

67
        I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
        to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
        this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
        it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
        listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
        confusing.

68
        I can't come to the phone now, so...  hey -- that's a nice phone
        you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
        you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  yes
        indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
        listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
        you...

69
        Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
        Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
        it!...  Don't...!

70
        After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
        the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
        come out of hiding.

71
        Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
        down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...

72
        As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
        reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  the
        telephone is next to an answering machine...  you hear a faint
        click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  you hear
        a beep...

73
        You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
        very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
        your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
        will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
        message.

74
        No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
        Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!
        AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
75
        This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine
        Broadcast System.  This is only a test.

76
        Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
        Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

77
        [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
        Leave a message...  leave a message...  etc.

78
        Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
        right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
        then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
        mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
        unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
        soon as possible.

79
        [For Shakespeare lovers only]
        So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
        So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

80
        [VOICE 1]  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
        [VOICE 2]  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

81
        I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
        basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills.  If
        you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
        handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
        need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
        Treasury, please ignore this message.

82
        Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
        not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
        confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
        soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
        you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

83
        Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
        minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
        weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.

84
        C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
        way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
        boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
        beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!

85
        I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
        stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
        you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
        something about myself.  Thanks.

86
        I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
        brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
        assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

87
        Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
        are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
        have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

88
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
...Any questions?

89
        Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
        I must have dialed the wrong number.

90
        <beep, beep, beep>
        The number you have reached,
        Seven.  Six.  Seven.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.
        [Use your number here.]
        has not been disconnected and is still in service.
        Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

91
HANS: This is Hans
>>> Continued to next message
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host