From: margi@indigo.asd.sgi.com (Margie Levine)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Subject: Re: why *seek* (additional) relationships?
Date: 1 Sep 92 20:23:09 GMT
Organization: Silicon Graphics Inc.

In article <1992Aug29.071034.2655@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>, gprall@nyx.cs.du.edu (Gene Prall) writes:
|> In article <MUFFY.92Aug24155151@remarque.berkeley.edu> muffy@remarque.berkeley.edu (Muffy Barkocy) writes:
|> >
|> >Anyway, so...I'd like to hear from people who actively seek out
|> >relationships, particularly when you are already in one.  It is
|> >something that I don't understand very well and I'd like to get some
|> >insight into it.  I guess I feel (purely a feeling, not based on any
|> >actual information) that seeking relationships is not something that
|> >works very well.  I also wonder if it isn't something of a stress on
|> >existing relationships, especially if it is the case that the new
|> >relationship is being sought specifically because there is something
|> >lacking in the existing one.  That is, I think it would be very hard on
|> >my SO if I said "I'm looking for someone else because you don't satisfy
|> >me in <x> area," as opposed to "I just met this really neat person and
|> >want to spend time with them."
|> >
|> >Muffy

Hi all -

This thread has finally gotten me to delurk!  Thanks to all of you for 
the thought-provoking discussions I've been reading.  It's awfully nice 
to see there's people who think the way I do!

I feel very similarly to Muffy, in that I don't go searching for
relationships when I'm already in one.   I suppose there are times when I 
feel like I would like to have a new relationship in my life, but usually 
during those times I try to concentrate on why my current relationship isn't 
fulfilling me. I believe that we have the capability to love more than one 
person in a non-platonic way.  At the same time, I guess I, personally, don't 
feel the *need* to have more than one relationship when there's no person 
readily apparent that I want to have it with.  Usually I have to develop a 
really, really, strong desire to spend time with the person before I will go 
out of my way to see them outside of a group.  

I guess I want my primary relationship with my SO to be all that it can be.
It may not be *everything* to me, but I at least want to try to have it
fulfill as many of my needs as possible.  To me, having a polyamourous
relationship with my SO means that we won't keep each other from getting to 
know people we really want to know.  Occasionally it happens that I meet
someone that I feel a real connection with, and the need to get to know them
is so overpowering that I will go out of my way to spend time with them and
make them an important part of my life.   But since my SO makes me 
really happy and I enjoy spending a great amount of my time with him, I rarely 
feel the need to go out looking for an additional relationship.  

So, to add to Muffy's questions, here's some of my own.  What does it
take for you to be motivated to pursue a relationship outside your primary
relationship?  Is a mutual attraction enough, or do you wait for some sort
of strong friendship+attraction to develop?  Do you find that starting a
new relationship places additional stresses on you and your SO?  I know that
lots of you have been in open relationships long enough that your SO is
happy when you meet someone new.  But for those of you that are still working
out your open relationships, do you find it stressful in the
beginning to tell your SO that there is someone you want to spend time with?
Do you find it hard to manage your time between your different partners,
and do you feel that time with one partner is unfairly taking time away from
another?


 - Margie
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory,soc.couples