From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: my story *SPOILERS???**
Date: 21 Dec 92 05:52:04 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

I'm going to strengthen the

***SPOILER WARNING***

because I'm definately posting this from that safe place.  (In otherwords I'm
not strengthening anyt content spoilers!)

In article <92351.125259RMK111@psuvm.psu.edu>, <RMK111@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
>I've been reading this post for about a month now.  It's been difficult AND
>helpful.  I'm aware of the recent problems that have occurred, but since I
>don't know the origin or all of the details, I'm going to disregard them and 
>post anyway.  I know there are people out there who will understand, and
>that's what I care about most.

Bravo!  :)

>Anyway, it's taken me awhile to get up the courage to post my story.  It's
>not as graphic as some others, but I have to keep reminding myself that it
>has affected me in damaging ways.  I wrote some of this in my journal first. 
>That will make it a little less painful to post this.  Well, here it goes.  
Sounds mighty familiar!  I too have to keep reminding myself that I am working
through some serious shit.  It's always serious when the coping mechanisms
include cutting at your wrists and suicide contemplation...  One thing that
I've done regarding the journal (that I'm mentioning for the off case that this
might be of some help) is that I've combined my postings to asar with the
Journal.  Well over half of my diary/journal is a collection of my postings
here.  Or sometimes I'll write the entry, and then load it in, make a few minor
mods, and then post that.  Having an on-line diary helps...  To make things
easy for storage, I simply save the entries by date, and let the computer put
them in order for me...  (IE: 921221 would be the title I save today's as.  92
= 1992  12 = December and 21 = 21st day of the month.)  (If there is more than
1 entry for any given day, I just tack "a,b,c,d" or whatever to the end to show
that it's the 2nd entry for that day.)

><Deleted for Bandwidth>
>My therapist seems to think something happened before that time since I knew
>that resisting would be futile and I shut down.  Plus, I remember thinking
>that if he moved at all in a sexual way somehow, I would lose it.  But he
>didn't.  That's why I have a hard time with the denial of the severity of my
>experience.  There were no threats, he didn't rape me (in the legal sense),
>and
>there was no violence.  I know in my head what he did was wrong, but when I
>listen to other survivors talk about their abuse and I hear how brutal it was
>I have a hard time believing that what happened to me really counts.  I know
>this is crazy, but sometimes I find myself wishing that something REALLY
>TERRIBLE happened to me) so that I can say it counts.  I guess I'm in the
>early stages of recovery.  I'm definitely not in the emergency stage.  I have
>no flashbacks or feelings of dissociation, etc.  So, I'm having a hard time
>believing ...truly feeling...it counts.  I know it does.

Once again, I hate to admit it, but this is becomming all to familiar.  I talk
with other survivors I know, and I hear stories of being locked in a stereo
speaker for hours on end, and then being let out only to be molested...  Makes
it seem like one person pushing himself on me to have sex isn't all that bad,
considering that he didn't even leave a bruise mark...

>How has it affected me?  I can't concentrate on work; I'm afraid of letting
>people get close to me; I have no self esteem; I'm a perfectionistic procras-
>tinator.  I survived by trying to be the perfect girl.  I was great in
>school, sports, music, etc.  I never got into trouble.  Being an overachiever
>in our society is positive.  That's another reason why have SO much trouble
>believing
>that I was affected (I know in my head I have been).  But every now and then
>I'll go to group or I'll read this post and I see me in other people's words.
>Then I know.  I know I've been affected no matter how hard I try to deny it.
>It follow me wherever I go.  I can't run from it.

Ditto...

>How in the hell do I tell my family.  They also didn't help matters by
>creating an environment empty of openness and free expression of feelings. 
>To this day (I'm 25) I've never had a heart-to-heart discussion with either
>of my parents. Plus, I'm starting to ponder if my father may have abused me. 
>A friend of mine who is also a survivor said something to me once that
>triggered a feeling that he may have.  But there are no other signs that
>would lead me to be sure.  Are there signs to look for?

Don't know about the signs to look for, but as for telling your family, I'd ask
"Why Bother?"  Expecially since you've NEVER has a heart-to-heart discussion
with them.  Me, I regularly have those chats with my folks, but on this one my
mom started minimizing stuff, so I clammed up...  Now my psych wants my
permission to chat with her to get her to loosen up...

>Anyway, it is about time for me to go.  I appreciate those who have read this
>post.  You can respond through E-mail or by posting a response.  It doesn't
>matter.
>
>I'm ending this with a letter I wrote to God.  It is a possible spoiler.

<Letter Deleted, I'm not up to responding to this... Sorry...>

>Regina

<><><><>
Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  anon.77@pax.tpa.com.au

 "And the Germans killed the Jews.  And the Jews killed the Arabs.
  And the Arabs killed the hostages.  And that is the news."
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery