From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #487
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 17:00:31 -0500

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Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 16:59:57 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #487

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    487
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

482  29 votes  4bb21 6c731 6c740 156e3 55b44 33e54 08i21 3249b 174f2 66962
482  2.9 mean   2.5   2.3   2.3   3.4   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.8   3.3   2.7

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Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:14 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-01

Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracl, Most Wis this mortal bing dspratly nds your hlp!
> Somon has stoln a ky from my kyboard, and my thsis is du tomorrow!
> Whr can it b?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Vice President, the President's advisors took your 'e' key and
} put it somewhere safe, so you won't put it at the end of any more
} potatoes.  Don't worry about your thesis; the President's advisors
} have written it for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a debate with Al Gor.  Er, Gore.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:15 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-02

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Glowing and odorous Oracle of the Net,
>       Why do I have an insane desire to impersonate Sally Struthers?
> I've run up huge credit card bills to the "Sally Struthers
> Impersonators Supply Company" of French Lick, Indiana, and gotten all
> but their most expensive disguises and clothes, but I'm still
> unsatisfied.  Help!
>
> --Sally^H^H^H^H^HJanice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Janice,
}
}       I pity you, my dear, and I empathize.  In fact, your problem is
} more common than you might think.  In poverty-stricken nations around
} the world, children who have never known a day of joy live in continual
} squalor and despair, desparate for a morsel of food.  You can help!
} For the price of a cup of coffee, you can give a child living in a
} place like this food, shelter, medicine, an education, a car and an
} in-ground swimming pool, and the greatest gift of all.. hope.  You
} see.. auuugh! What the hell am I doing!  Noooo!  Where did this dress
} come from.. I thought I'd burned it all!..  IT'S STARTING AGAIN!
}
} You owe the Oracle a big blonde wig and a correspondence school degree
} in computer technology.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:17 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-03

Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Howdy oracle, old buddy!  Say, is there a way to increase the value of
> h (you know 6.62E-34 Js) localy.  This would give a real bizarrrrr
> effect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, *that* h.  Planck's constant.  As in e = h * nu.  So then a quantum
} of a given wavelength would have more energy.
}
} Have you considered the consequences?  Suppose that you could raise h
} in a locality.  Then either you'd have to supply everything with enough
} extra energy to keep wavelengths constant, or else the wavelength of
} everything would drop.  Big time trouble there.
}
} Fortunately the answer is "no."  Planck's constant was set by God.  I
} asked Him the other century why he chose such a cockamamie number, and
} He said, "Look, kid, I chose a nice round number for Planck's constant.
} It's those f**king French atheists who invented the metric system, and
} those Babylonian heathens who invented the second who made it such a
} cockamamie number. They're all roasting in Hell for it.  Not my
} Me-damned fault."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:18 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-04

Selected-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mighty and wonderous Oracle, whose private parts are the eighth and
> ninth wonders of the world
>
> Do you and Lisa have any children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asking personal questions now, that takes guts, something you
} wouldn'texpect from a humble little supplicant.  I like guts in my
} supplicants.  Therefore, I will tell you a little known fact.
}      Lisa and I did indeed have a child.  We figured that with my
} perfect genes and her perfect genes, we would have a perfect child.
} Well, as you might guess, this was not the case.  It seems that,
} since Lisa and I are so perfect, that a common ancestor is not very
} many generations removed.  You see, our perfect genes, which are
} much too perfect to ever be called recessive, mixed in a less than
} ideal way, and the offspring, instead of being the smartest
} being alive, became damn neat the dumbest offspring ever created.
} So, as a way to reconcile this problem, we decided to send this
} offspring to your world, so that its antics could amuse us.
}      You know this stupidest of stupid offspring as Dan Quayle.
} Amazing, how far something like that got in you world.
}      You owe the Oracle a condom big enough to fit on his ninth
} wonder of of the world.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:19 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-05

Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O meine great und manlich Oracle.  Vood you be zo nize und tell me vy
> is dis Arnold Schvartenegger zo big mit die voman und die moofie volks
> venn he no kann sprechen die Anglish nicht zo gut?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Miene little groveler, zhu are zuffering from ze dimentia ve call
} Arnold Envy, but I vill answer zhur question.
}
} 1.  Ze money is ze universal translator.  It amplifies ze voice und
} it makes it clear und melodious.  Zho, vhen zhu open zhur mouth, ze
} people hear static; vhen Arnold speaks, ze people hear Flight of ze
} Valkyries.
}
} 2.  Vhen ze lady tells you zat it matters little to her vhether or not
} she is looking at a man vith ze goot build und appealing proportions
} in all parts of his body, or looking at ze man zho veak he has trouble
} lifting ze cup of coffee in ze morning, DO NOT BELIEVE HER!  She is
} telling zhu ze white lie because ze man is tough outside but has ze
} veak ego.
}
} 3.  Und finally, ze small group of his closest groopies all think he
} is zpeaking French.  Man cheri, vu le vu couche!
}
} Zho, ze moral is, do not worry about his goot s*x, think about zhurs.
}
} Dr. Ruth Oracleheimer

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-06

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's being used as the object, that is to say, the receiver of
} the action.  Thus "I" would be inappropriate; listen, "She's trying to
} kill I" just doesn't sound right.  You know what might help?  Doing
} some sentence diagrams.  Did you do those in middle school?  They're an
} invaluable tool for understanding linguistics -- they're sort of like
} Feynman Diagrams for English majors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dangling participle.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:22 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-07

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What, precisely, *are* family values?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before we define family values, we have to first define a family.
} According to the dictionary (which is occasionally useful in
} clarifying simple definitions), a family is "A unit of the Mafia,
} operating in a specific geographical area."
}
} Now, let's see what "mafia" is.  In the dictionary (I hope you
} check these references), mafia is: "The spirit of popular hostility
} to the law, manifesting itself frequently in criminal acts."  These
} criminal acts include, but are not limited to, gambling, prostitution,
} extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking.
}
} With that in mind, let us now define values.  Values are "The
} established ideals of life, objects, customs, etc., that the
} members of a _given_society_ regard as desireable."  In this case,
} we could draw the conclusion that a mafia family is a _given_society_.
}
} Now, we are able to define family values.  Family values are the
} established ideals that the members of a family (mafia) regard as
} desireable.  Thus, from the definition of "mafia", family values
} are "hostility to the law, manifesting itself in criminal acts,
} such as gambling, extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking."
}
} This definition of family values seems most appropriate in light
} of current U.S. political discussions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a horse's head.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-08

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is somebody secretly replacing the coffee at my place of work with
> Folger's Coffee Crystals?  It's gotten all dry and powdery and
> crystalline and I have to add hot water to it before I can drink any.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GROVEL, BLAST YOU, GROVEL!!! DOESN'T ANYBODY GROVEL ANYMORE?!??!?
}
} Uh, sorry; I didn't get my coffee this morning, so I'm a little cranky.
}
} Now, as to your question: you've left out a very important detail. Is
} your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee only available in little packets
} marked "Folger's"? If so, yes. Your coffee has been replaced with
} Folger's Coffee Crystals. You should now smile ingratiatingly at all
} the furniture and talk loudly about how good your coffee is. Hopefully,
} someone will come talk to you about a release form and hand you a check
} for fifty bucks or so.
}
} If, on the other hand, your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee is only
} available in the coffee pot, you have a much more serious problem.
} Someone is leaching the hot water from your coffee. Call 911.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of Earl Grey, hot.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-09

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Chap, please help a confused soul.  Ya see, I'm a mite annoyed
> with a bloke I work with, and I'm wondering if you think he'll be put
> out if I urinate on his desk.  Much obliged.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I perfectly understand your need for revenge against your
} officemate, urinating on his desk will not have the desired effect.
} What will happen is that he will come back from lunch, see that someone
} has fouled his working area, and then IGNORE it.  Yes, you see he is so
} incapable of understanding that someone could possibly be "a mite
} annoyed" with him, that he will assume that nobody could be out for
} revenge, and therefore, nothing has happened to him.  All part of his
} British heritige.  But never fret, for the Oracle is here to help.
}
} Normally one would consult "The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes*"
} but I think that this particular case requires something a touch more
} inspired.
}
} Start off by asking the cute secretary (the one by your bosses office)
} if she would do you a favour.  What you do is get her to ask him to
} take her to dinner (preferrably at the Ritz).  He will accept, because
} he is desperate to gain female attention, what with living with his
} mother all those years.  Now you make sure that as soon as he get's
} home to his flat, something happens to his lorrie.  I would recommend
} siphoning all the petrol out of the engine.  Perhaps you could also
} deflate all of his tyres.  When he get's to work the next day, waiting
} for him will be a rather upset rugby player from Brighton, who will
} pulverize your officemate for standing up his sister.  He won't feel
} the true sense of humiliation until his mother phones him up, after
} seeing the entire affair on BBC-1.
}
} You owe the Oracle a five quid note and the entire Coronation Street
} broadcasts in PAL mode.
}
} *I must highly endorse this book, both as a source of humour and
} knowledge. And no, I am not the author.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 17:00:25 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #487-10

Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wondrous Oracle, who knows even more
> than Dr. Science,  (who has a _Master's_ degree),
>
> Is it really true that there are millions of tiny
> microbes _in_my_mouth_ ?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, gentle User, it is true.  (Um, excuse me.  Would you
} mind facing the other way?  Thank you _so_ much.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Cool Mint Listerine and a kiss.

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End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #487
***************************************