HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: smlacke@isrc.sandia.gov (Scott M Lackey)
Subject: Re: Bush Campaign TV Ad
Organization: Sandia National Labs, Org. 1600, Albq., NM
Distribution: na
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 22:10:26 GMT

From article <1992Sep14.110355.4510@hemlock.cray.com>, by rja@redwood26.cray.com (Russ Anderson):
> 
> 
> Great, just when the public is figuring out the che "check bouncing"
> scandal is false, a new accusation is floated...
> 
	I'm not sure that many people are really figuring it out.  It takes
effort to get the relevant facts, but the non-fact-related sensationalism
was impossible to avoid hearing about for a couple months.

Scott Lackey
From: gtr0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (GLEN TORLEIF RYEN)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: WOODY ALLEN'S NEW FILIM
Date: 7 Sep 92 23:49:52 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <butler.715855465@norton>, butler@norton.sni.de (Butler) writes:
>
>Q.   HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT WODDY ALLENS NEW FILIM ???????????
>A:   HONEY I FUCKED THE KIDS   :-)      =B-)
>
T'would appear that jokes aren't getting to Germany quite fast enough.

OBJokes:
    Q>  How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    A>  Unique up on him.
    Q2> How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    A2> Tame way.

Glen
From: kjk0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (KEVIN J. KRESS)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Elephant joke
Date: 11 Sep 92 01:55:55 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <10422@baird.cs.strath.ac.uk>, pgh@cs.strath.ac.uk (Peter G Hendry) w
rites:
>In article <5#qn=kf@lynx.unm.edu> jfreter@triton.unm.edu (The Myth) writes:
>>In article <AeeZtfG00awHQ1u0cM@andrew.cmu.edu> gc2m+@andrew.cmu.edu (Ghim-Sim
Chua) writes:
>>>What did the elephant say to the naked man?
>>>"you breathe through that THING?"
>>
>>Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
>
>Q. How do you stop an elephant from charging?
>A. Take away its credit cards
>
Another elephant joke...
Q.  Why do elephants lay on their backs
A.  To trip low flying canaries.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: drpete01@orion.spd.louisville.edu (Dean Peters)
Subject: Re: Christian Joke
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 06:28:36 GMT
Organization: University of Louisville

In <1845@grivel.une.edu.au> bsercomb@neumann.une.edu.au (Shadow.,,,) writes:

> > In previous post I said last time, but here I go again. Namely
> > I understand that not everyone is Christian and therefore is going
> > to understand the offense towards jokes about Christ's suffering, now
> > thats understandable. But common sense should prevail, first of all
> > the man (God to others) was innocent, was tortured, beaten and killed
> > most brutally. Is there anything funny in joking about murder?
> > Why don't we crack jokes about Martin Luther's death, or John
> > Kennedy's death?, it's just not appropriate. Sure there is the freedom 
> > of speech, allowing to post anything - but it would be nice if people 
> > had more sensitivity, like maybe all of us laugh instead of just 1/2.
> > It's called style.
> > 
> > Flames or comments welcomed.

> Not a flame, just a quote:

> "Mr. Lincon, DUCK!" -Robin Williams.

> [please excuse me if I can't spell the presidents name!]

> A hell of a lot of jokes come from the suffering of someone else. Just think
> about being with a group of friends, if someone falls over, the first thing 
> the rest of us does is laugh! I mean WHO THE HELL CARES? 

Exactly... just a few hours ago my best friend and I were eating pizza outside 
the computer lab.  He had a mouth full of pizza and took a swig of Mountain
Dew, and I just happened to finish saying something rather funny... he choked
for a few minutes.  Red face, tears streaming, coughing, sputtering, gagging, 
gasping.

I offered him more food.  Then I pointed and laughed.  After I started laughing
he started laughing (in between coughs) and soon he was okay.  Laughter is 
great stuff.

> should know in this news group is that *nothing* is sacred.


> Brad.

Here's one for ya:

Why can't jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through his hands!!

drpete01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu            Dean R. Peters
Devout atheist, and proud.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: usenet@inesc.pt (USENET News System)
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Reply-To: jota@iguana.UUCP (Joao Pedro Martins)
Organization: INESC - Inst. Eng. Sistemas e Computadores, LISBOA, PORTUGAL.
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 16:49:04 GMT

In article <cm182s182.04i3@pdrome.UUCP> cm182s182@pdrome.UUCP (Clayton Miner) writes:
>RE:  american food
>
>We don't have *any*!  We adopted foods from all over the world so we wouldn't 
>*have* to cook at home!  ;)
> 
>Skeksis - Me transmitte susrum, Caledoni

	Can someone *PLEASE* tell me what a "oxymoron" is ???
	It's not in the dictionary, and i'm tired of reading them (the oxymorons,
	not the dictionaries :)

----
 joao Pedro Martins, Lisboa, Portugal - jota@tutor.UUCP
 
 "Carpe Diem, she muttered, and laughed. We seize the day.	
  Well, sometimes, the day seizes back !" (Psychodrome)
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 1992 00:58:06 EDT
From: <HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Nursery Rhyme
 <1992Sep2.165257.6140@sbcs.sunysb.edu> <1992Sep6.014939.26868@zooid.guild.org>

In article <1992Sep6.014939.26868@zooid.guild.org>, kovarski@zooid.guild.org
(Mark Kovarski) says:
>
>Hickory dickory dock,
>Some chick was sucking my cock,
>The clock struck two,
>I dumped the bitch on the next block.
>
Andrew Dice Clay created this one:
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Some chick was sucking my cock.
The clock struck two,
I dropped my goo,
And dumped the bitch at the next block.

THAT'S how it goes (mostly)  ;-)

>Now, am I romantic or what?
>Mark K.

Give me your girlfriends e-mail address and I'll ask her.

>PhD in sexual engineering, and I have. If you have yor doubts, call me and
>you'll find out.

PhD stands for (P)iled (h)igher and (D)eeper.  I think I know why...


Hans C. Masing | HCM100@PSUVM.psu.edu  | Penn State University MIS Dept |

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."  - Jack Handey
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: s7356911@deimos.ucc.umass.edu (DYLYN)
Subject: Re: NEW Woody Allen Joke
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 04:08:00 GMT

In article <yBNuqB1w164w@cellar.org>, kml@cellar.org (kml) writes...
> 
>A new one?! Hard to believe!
> 
	Actually, I heard another new one a few days ago, told by Jay
Leno.  He said," There are rumors that Woody Allen is going to marry
Mia Farrow's adopted daughter Soon-yi.  Boy, if he thinks Mia's nasty
now, just wait `til she becomes his MOTHER-IN-LAW!"

						dylyn
					(a.k.a. daniel prosser)

_/\  /\ dylyn (aka, d prosser) == S7356911@UCSVAX.UCS.umass.edu  /\
   \/  \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/  \/~~~~~
From: shaig@Think.COM (Shai Guday)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Dark is Faster than Light
Date: 9 Sep 92 15:40:27 GMT
Organization: Thinking Machines Corporation, Cambridge MA, USA
NNTP-Posting-Host: merlin.think.com

In <sg9pbatl@csv.warwick.ac.uk> mauax@warwick.ac.uk (Brazil) writes:

>>Well, since light and dark are opposites, and in number theory to some
>>opposite means negative whil to others it means reciprocal
>>
>>the speed of darkness is obviously -1/186000 miles per second.

>Actually the speed of darkness is 186000 miles per second so obviously light
>and darkness are one and the same.


BZZZT*DING* Wrong!
For a simple prrof that dark is faster than light,
hide in a closet and close the door.  Now slowly
open the door.  If you observed closely you could see
the light come in as you opened the door.  Did you
see the dark go out? No!  Ipso facto dark is faster
than light.
Xref: sparky rec.humor:28582 rec.arts.movies:27659
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.arts.movies
Subject: Re: Mixed Up Movie Titles
Date: 14 Sep 1992 17:04:30 GMT
Organization: Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory
Reply-To: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
NNTP-Posting-Host: prem.lbl.gov

In article <19986@fritz.filenet.com> sandra@fritz.filenet.com (Sandra Cole) writes:
>All of us at one time or another have gotten confused about movie titles 
>and called them something other than what they actually were.  Sometimes
>this makes for some very amusing was not was movie titles.   A while
>Sandra

	Not exactly what you were lookin for, but in high school, me and
	my friends had this habit of deliberately making up titles for
	movies that sounded a lot like their originals.....

	Some were pretty lame, like "Under Golden Pond" etc, but some
	others were hilarious......at least to us in high school....
	You be the judge...

	The Man With The Empty Gun
	The Umpire Strikes Back
	:
	:

	Anyone got more ??

	and so on.... We even made up short scripts for a few of them....

	Prem!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: ahmad@seas.gwu.edu (Aftab Ahmad)
Subject: Dad Dad
Organization: George Washington University
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 16:54:05 GMT


	It happened in a zoo. A little kid saw a horney  elephant.
	"Dad Dad what's that", yelled the kid.
	"Son, like you have your thing to pee, this is 
	elephant's thing to pee".
	"OK, but why did Mom say 'it's nothing'".
	"Because it's nothing for her"
From: ahummel@ems.cdc.com (H. Austin Hummel)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: joke protests
Date: 10 Sep 92 12:17:47 GMT
Reply-To: you@ems.cdc.com
Organization: Empros Systems International, a division of CDC

|> 
|> ... I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a man with a wooden leg named Ralph,
 Why he named his wooden leg I'll never know. ('Mary Poppins")
Xref: sparky rec.humor:28370 talk.bizarre:29702
From: andrewc@spider.co.uk (Andrew Cannon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre
Subject: Life, Death and Reality
Date: 11 Sep 92 12:46:34 GMT
Organization: Willy Wonkers Chocolate Factory, England.

A loud, hooting wakes me.

I open my eyes to stare into the jaws of death ! Christ he should do something 
about his breath. I leap to my feet.

"You'll never take me alive" I cry.

"I DON'T WANT YOU ALIVE" says Death.

Oh bum. I turn and run. My feet make a "SQUELCH" as i step in something that
some animal with anti-social tendencies has left behind. I turn right by the
licorice sellers stall and head off into the night.

My race for life is hampered by a small herd of Wilde Beast practising 3
point turns in the road. I slow long enough to glance over my shoulder....

50m behind me a large, scythe carrying creature dogs my steps. A strange
sound can be heard from between the creatures lips....

"AT THE COPA, COPACABANA...HMMMM, HmMmmmMmm MUSIC AND HmMMmMmMm"

Oh my god, its worse than I thought. Death not only likes Barry Manilow, but hes
tone deaf too. 

I round the last corner on Nowhere Street and dive into East Street. I skid to a
halt. The whole of Easy Street is covered in multi coloured balllons. Of course
its the festival of Billy (*) today ! 

I run into the street, the ballons cover my escape. I'm free, I'm going to live !

"BERMUDA TRIANGLE, IT MAKES PEOPLE HmMMmMm Hmm hMMEMEMMMM, AH WELL I'LL BE
BACK" shouts a powerfull voice.

I'm free !

I return to my flat and retire for the night. The clock strikes 13, the Parrot
is swimming in the toilet bowl and the fridge is making strange gurgling
noises. All is as it should be.

(*) Billy "Ballon" Smith.....Co-founder of the Festival of Filling Streets With
    Lots of Coloured Ballons.
-- 
|      Andy Cannon       |"Love is what seperates us from the animals"       |
| Misplaced Yorkshireman |                                                   |
|   Spider Systems Ltd   |"No, what seperates us from the animals is that we |
|  andrewc@spider.co.uk  |don't clean our own genitals with our tongue"      |
From: bryanf@hpmcaa.mcm.hp.com (Bryan Ford)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Hypothetical USL memo
Keywords: topical, computer, smirk, original
Date: 11 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT

MEMO

FROM:   USL Management
TO:     All employees

Many of you have already heard of the new mental snapshot technology
recently developed and released by Tyrell Corporation.  After several weeks
of planning and discussion, USL management has decided to make use of this
exciting new technology in a new employment policy, to be put into effect
immediately here at USL.

Commencing at the present time, a mental snapshot will be taken, upon hire,
of all new employees.  These will be immediately digitized and stored in a
master database kept by USL.  At such a time as the employee leaves USL, he
or she will have a second mental snapshot taken, which will also be stored
in USL's master database for further use by USL.  Finally, the two
snapshots will be compared and the differences used to roll back the
employee's mental state to the point of employment, ensuring that the
employee remains unencumbered with any proprietary material after leaving
USL.

Current employees who did not receive mental snapshots upon hire will have
two options.  First, such an employee may choose to immediately have a
mental snapshot taken, and sign a contract requiring him or her to work for
USL during the next twenty years (at USL's option).  After the twenty years
are complete, the employee may leave, and upon doing so will undergo the
treatment described in the preceding paragraph.  The employee may then
freely use any knowledge gained before the first snapshot, provided such
use does not conflict with USL's interests.

Alternatively, the employee may choose to leave the company immediately,
and have his or her current mental state replaced with one of several
standard models offered by USL which do not contain proprietary material.  
The employee's previous mental state will become sole property of USL.

Any employees who have objections to this policy are encouraged to make a
private office appointment with their immediate manager as soon as
possible.  Your managers been specially equipped to handle such objections.

---

                                Bryan Ford

bryanf@hpmcaa.mcm.hp.com

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From: Gregg_Podnar@globe.edrc.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Steelworkers chant.  True.
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 14 Sep 92 08:30:17 GMT

Vice Presidential candidate, Gore, addressed the steelworker's national 
convention in Pittsburgh today (3-Sep-92).  He was cheered by the chant:

			"Four more months!"
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From: flynn@eecs.wsu.edu (Patrick J. Flynn)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: YASS (yet another Sun spinoff)
Keywords: computer, smirk
Date: 10 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT


Sun Microsystems Creates More Subsidiaries
------------------------------------------

Mountain View, California -- May 24 (AP)
In a move calculated to strengthen the company's position as the
fastest-fragmenting corporation in the computer industry, Sun
Microsystems announced today that it has just created twenty-three
new subsidiaries.  The new companies, whose names are SunA, SunB,
SunD, SunE, SunF, SunG, SunH, SunI, SunJ, SunL, SunM, SunN, SunO,
SunP, SunR, SunS, SunT, SunU, SunV, SunW, SunX, SunY, and SunZ,
will assume control over `everything that we couldn't think
of a cool company name for', according to Scott McNealy, office
manager for Sun Microsystems, Inc., which is expected
to have three employees after completion of the transition (McNealy,
an office assistant, and a Vice-President in Charge of Future
Spin-Offs).  For example, SunA, Incorporated will be in charge of
future revisions of the Thick Ethernet connector on the back of
Sun workstations, and SunB will focus on removing all humorous and
semi-humorous comments from header files in Solaris 3.0's /usr/include
directory.  SunD will manage the mechanical infrastructure of all
buildings owned by SMCC, and will soon begin install hot and cold
running Jolt Cola in all building housing systems software developers.

Conspicuous in their absence from the list of new company names
were SunC, SunK, and SunQ, which were not created because of
`possible negative connotations', according to McNealy, who then
hurriedly changed the subject to something boring like SPECmarks.
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From: anasaz!qip.john@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (John Moore)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Apologies to Winston Churchill
Keywords: computer, smirk
Date: 9 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT

He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no
heart. He who does so as an adult has no brain.
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From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Science and the Stars
Keywords: true, chuckle, science
Date: 9 Sep 92 23:30:03 GMT

The recent business of Heavy Boots (TM) was being discussed by my Engies
the other day when I arrived to take them for a class. (I tutor a couple
of freshman Engineer classes in Physics for the University.)  

Anyway, they were arguing about this, and decided they'd ask me what the
situation was.  I talked about gravity and how all matter/energy
gravitates, etc.  The Sun gravitates and all the stars, etc etc.  I had
to also explain that, contrary to what some of them thought, gravity
acts even when there is no air (!!); that the Moon has gravity despite
having no atmosphere.  This took some convincing(!), but I clinched it
with the experiment with the hammer and feather -- *they* weren't
wearing Heavy Boots, and yet still fell.

I then proceeded to discuss the nature of scientific theories, testing
hypotheses, keeping an open mind but remaining sceptical, the usual
stuff.  I tend to get very animated when I talk Physics, and raise my
voice, gesticulate, pace, and generally carry on.  After some 20 minutes
of this talk about Science (TM) and Scientific Method (TM), I finished
up with something like "So that is how Science is done.  Formulate
theories, test them and believe them only when and how far they predict
experimental results. ... Now, any questions?"

One girl up the back raises her hand, "Yes, I have one.  You got very
worked up over this -- are you a Scorpio?"

Oi veh!

joe

ps Of course I'm not a Scorpio!!  I have a very balanced approach to
these things -- I'm a *Libra*.
--
Joe Voros
Department of Physics, Monash University, Clayton, VIC, 3168, Australia.
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Date: Sun, 13 Sep 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Back to School Trauma
From: geoff@pmafire.inel.gov (Geoff Allen)
Keywords: topical, true, smirk

Giving new meaning to back-to-school trauma is this incident, which
was reported in the Idaho State Journal (Pocatello, Idaho) on Sunday, 
August 30, 1992.

Robert Williams, age 5, attended his first day of kindergarten at Downey
Elementary School.  School went well, but Robert missed his bus home, so
he decided to walk home.  It wasn't long before Robert found himself
completely lost in downtown Downey (realize that Downey's population is
about 600-700). 

But Robert didn't panic.  His mother had always told him that if he
needed help, he should look for a policeman.  So Robert looked.

Robert didn't know that Downey has no policemen.  The city contracts
with the Bannock County Sheriff to patrol the city several times a day,
but none were around when Robert needed them.

So Robert did the next logical thing -- he started crying.  A fifth
grader who was passing by stopped to help Robert, and found out that
Robert knew his address and phone number.  There was only one problem,
though -- the address and phone number were for Robert's old home in
Mountain Home, Idaho, about 200 miles away.  The Williams family had
moved to Downey the day before school started.

The fifth grader took Robert back to the school, where the principal was
able to contact his mother and bring him home, so the story does have a
happy ending.  Robert's mother says she'll teach him his new address and
phone number, but doesn't know what to do about the advice to look for a
policeman when you're in trouble.

And you thought your first day of school was traumatic!
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Date: Sat, 12 Sep 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: who's who, and why
From: IOR@slacvm.slac.stanford.edu (Thomas Hyer)
Keywords: topical, smirk

   BAKER FOR PRESIDENT
     
"Eliminate the middleman"

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Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
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Date: Mon, 7 Sep 92 19:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Voice of America
From: eab@voa3.voa.gov (E. Allen Brown)
Subject: Old but Funny -- Gas vs. Electric
Keywords: true, chuckle


In the early '70s, Columbia Gas of Maryland adopted the slogan
"Gas Speaks for Itself."  Columbia Gas bought advertising in the form
of billboards all over the area.  One of the billboards was in Cumberland,
Maryland.  It was a double billboard with the Columbia Gas ad on the left.

Their competition, Potomac Edison Electric bought the right billboard panel
for their ad.  So people driving through the area saw something like:

|----------------------------------| |------------------------------------|
|                                  | |                                    |
|               GAS                | |                                    |
|        SPEAKS FOR ITSELF         | |             BOOM!!!                |
|                                  | |                                    |
|                                  | |                                    |
| Columbia Gas                     | |                     Potomac Edison |
| of Maryland                      | |                         Electric   |
|__________________________________| |____________________________________|


Remember, in those days, energy was cheap and competition was fierce...but
I still chuckle when I think of it.


--
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