From: cryst@belay (Crystal Bell)
Subject: I'm back for now.
Organization: Belay Enterprises Inc. Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 00:04:04 GMT

        Hello there again.. ummm I don't know what to say exactly. I guess 
I just needed a sounding board.. and seeing as all of my "friends" are too
busy I figured I'd write here.... 
        The guy that I am seeing right now is named Craig. He is the same
age as I am and I *REALLY* wish that I could say thay he understands where 

I am coming from. It sometimes seems like he hates me for my Past. (Which
By The Way I am beginning to learn more about through flash-backs)  

I don't know all the fancy control Characters so I'm not going to use them..
but I will warn you that there *ARE* spoilers in here and that If you aren't 
interested in reading my feelings, fears, etc then you might as well stop here.

*******************S P O I L E R S !! !! !! *******************************



I *HATE* *HATE* *HATE* *HATE* *HATE* my past. I only wish that he could 
understand that... He is making me feel like it is *MY* fault that this happened
and I hate him for it But I LOVE HIM!!!!!! I don't know what to do.. It hurts 
me too much to hurt him by telling me... He calls himself a Christian and so 
am I but that still doesn't help me any... He CLAIMS that he doesn't blame me
but I can see it in his eyes.. Mixed along with the Love.. sometimes I don't 
know what is expressed more .. the Hatred, or the love... I move in with him 
on Tuesday and I KNOW that I can force the memories back, out of reach. But 
I also know that I shouldn't... I **NEED** to cry, I **NEED** to feel Pain   
But I find myself blocking it out while I am with him... and I know that I 
can't do that for the next six months.. I am presently writing my story for
him... (From beginning to end) hopefully that will help him to understand the
Pain that I am going through

I HATE myself for forgetting My grandfather.. The only Man ever in my entire
life who loved me no matter what.. But he died when I was four. I completely 
forgot about the anniversary until 2 weeks after the fact...

I HATE myself for loving.. because every time I do It I get hurt. I wish that 
I could just forget it all and get on with my life... 

Things are getting so bad now that I'm considering going to a doctor and 
inquiring about anti-depressants... I HURT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!  But everyone 
keeps telling me that these are false memories...

THEN WHY THE HELL CAN i FEEL THE DAMN BEER BOTTLE SLAMMING IN AND OUT OF ME?
I CAN STILL FEEL THE PHYSICAL PAIN I HEAR A CHILD CRYING AND I REALIZE THAT IT
IS MYSELF..... 

I find myself missing time.. after the time goes missing I remember more about
my past.... I DON"T WANT TO REMEMBER!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!   
I try to keep myself busy so I don't have the time to black out.. but I can't 
find enough things to do!!!!! I don't know how to handle it.. I'm **REALLY**
hoping that living with someone so I'm not alone all the time will help me.

Anyhow I'll stop Babbling now but I would really appreciate some replies,
Love and Hugs...!!! 

I REALLY NEED LOVE AND HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

                                        Crystal 

-- 
############################################################################**
Crystal Bell                     * If you don't like my opinions that's
E-mail Cryst%belay@uunet.uu.net  * your problem. Please keep ALL flames
                                 * to private E-mail. thanx