From: yasu@ll.mit.edu (Alan Yasutovich)
Subject: Paul Vixie
Organization: MIT Lincoln Laboratory
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 92 15:05:23 GMT

>From: vixie@pa.dec.com (Paul A Vixie)
>Newsgroups: alt.child-support
>
>Alan,
>
>I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your son.  But I have
>a son whom I've had to fight in court to stay in contact with, and I just
>cannot imagine turning him away if I were to lose and not see him until he
>was a teenager.
>
>Teenagers in particular have a lot of "dad" stuff to work out, but that's
>not what I mean.  The greatest mistake any of us Dads can make is to give
>up.  I don't mean stop fighting; by "give up" I mean believe that we have
>no place in our childrens' lives, or that the CP is within her rights to
>restrict the time we spend with our kids.  By "give up" I mean "become
>bitter" or "decide that it wasn't worth it" or "decide that it wasn't what
>you wanted after all."
>
>None of this is about the parents, including you or me.  Our kids need us.
>
>That's a bit sermon-like, and I'm sorry.  But I believe it way down deep,
>and I can't find any sympathy within myself for your position with respect
>to your son.  I'm listening, and I hope you try (without flaming me) to
>explain.  I'm currently operating under the assumption that your position
>has more in it than I understand, and that that is why I can't imagine it
>or feel sympathy for it.


	Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  I will have to make an
	assumption of my own and then say that that I think you are right
	about my position having more than you understand.  I think I
	explained this a long time ago.

	The assumption I make about you is that you never lost contact
	with your kid(s), and certainly not for a long time.

	Here goes.  Do you remember the part in my post about, "being
	called dad?"  My learning experience about being a parent
	"came-as-it-came" if you know what I mean.  And just like the
	saying, "walk a mile in my shoes", I learned generally that this
	saying is valid in life.  I ended my first marriage not being
	very close to my son.  He was about 16 months old.  So I never
	had any sense of parenthood with him.  Next, I remarried.
	We had a daughter.  Along with being the cutest little blond
	haired, blue eyed little thing, she's also a little bitch.
	As we planned, as my wife was pregnant, as the baby was born,
	up until now, I have had a sense of love which works in and
	through all 3 of us which I never could have imagined unless
	I experienced it.  I see my wife in her. I feel a direct
	connection to my wife through her, and vice versa.  And I
	can honestly say that I love her so much I can feel it in
	my gut.  I can now say that I understand people who post
	and are remorsefull about having their kids taken away.

	But I can also honestly say that I was incapable of really
	understanding any of this before my daughter.  That is
	because we are bonded as a family.

	So, from experience, and experience alone, I have lived and
	learned *both* sides of the coin.  I can't imagine ever losing
	contact with my daughter, and I can truely sympathize with
	those who have.  But the experience of my son contributes
	nothing to this boast.  He is basically a stranger. 

	Now from a personal standpoint everyone will agree that divorce
	is like death. So with all the soul-wrenching stuff <included>
	here, realize that it is a complete turnaround.  That box is
	closed in my mind, with a lock of the appropriate size! And
	it is one that I never intend on reopening.  The thing that
	really kills me is that I was told to take a hike, when it
	was convenient for *her*.  Now, she's remarried.  Her new
	husband has a daughter who just graduated.  WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
	So poor Tim is now just in the way of their marital bliss.

	Furthumore, I mentioned that he has been trained to oficially
	go by *her* maiden name.  It's on his report card.  I spoke to
	him about it, and he really doesn't seem to care. Let me tell
	you.  If someone is out to impress me, get close to me, and
	want to be my son, I'd think he'd piss his pants trying to
	conform himself to me.  But he doesn't.  And a growing relationship
	works both ways.

	I'll tell you side story to illustrate.  Our neighbor comes from
	a divored house.  I think she was early teens.  (again, I think
	this factor makes some difference, like in Coren's case).  When
	my son surfaced 2 years ago, she was telling my wife all the
	stuff about how important..........................based on her
	own background.  Last new years day we went over there for our
	traditional dinner/pool game.  This woman was telling my wife
	about one of her uncles (or something) who had a daughter.  She
	is about 30.  He hasn't seen her almost since birth. 
	All-of-a-sudden she shows up "wanting to meet dad", etc.  So her
	family is in an uproar.  I guess she seems to want to just waltz
	in to the family holidays and be one of the "good old boys".
	Besides being awkward, everyone wonders what her point is.  And
	the official question is something like, "What is she after."
	After telling my wife this, my wife simply answered, "Oh, you
	mean like when Tim just showed up out of the blue?"  There
	was silence, and the conversation ended.  It's real easy to
	tell people about benevolence until someone who's a stranger
	shows up on your door.  And in this case, he's young enough
	to be a real financial threat to me.  See, my wife and I
	have seen some hard times.  And we've weathered them.  But
	we both seem clear that if this bubble bursts, our domestic
	bliss *WILL* be threatened.


	So the short answer is that from experience:

	1) I can understand fully how a person would NEVER forsake a 
	kid they are bonded to.
	2) I can understand fully how a person would forsake a 
	kid they never knew.
	3) I have lived both sides and can understand why someone
	would not understand the side they haven't lived, based on
	my actual life experience and feeling that I described.

-- 
	Alan Yasutovich
	"inquiring  (and nosey) minds WANT TO KNOW!!!"
	I can remember when "safe sex" meant having a padded headboard!!
	Tick Tock.....Tick Tock......Tick Tock .....Tick Tock......