From: gswst@gl.pitt.edu (Gary S. Wachs)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Finding Romantic Partners (long)
Date: 17 Aug 92 01:27:05 GMT
Organization: University of Pittsburgh, Electrical Engineering

In article <1992Aug12.221257.16218@nuchat.sccsi.com> kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com (Kevin Brown) writes:
>In article <1992Aug12.004013.15958@ultb.isc.rit.edu> pjb4288@ultb.isc.rit.edu (Pete - Toonatic - Boulay) writes:
>>My brother has a saying that is perfect here...
>>
>>"When you're actively searching for romance, it'll elude you. Its when you're
>>not searching that it'll come up and kick you in the ass, turn you around,
>>and give you the best hug of your life."

I do like that cliche.  Not because it's true - which it isn't always - but 
rather because it leads us to ask ourselves whether the "obvious" approach to
finding an SO is indeed a valid one.  It is natural to believe that if
one wants something, one must use some kind of specific approach to get it.

But that seems to works better for putting food on the table or paying off your
car payments than it does with finding an SO!  

You never know when, or where, or how a person you feel happy with will
come along - but you do know how much those wheels cost and how long you'll
have to work to have one.  So your brother's saying is not more right or
wrong than anyone else's hypothesis!  Isn't that relaxing?

>Well, I've stopped looking (have done so for 6 months), and nothing's happened.
>Nothing happened the last time I stopped looking, too, which lasted for about
>a year and a half.

"stopped looking".... I wonder what that means.  Have you stopped talking to
people?  Have you stopped going out with friends, male or female, to
relax and have fun?  I guess you have stopped dating.  Hmmm I wonder what
that did to your odds!

>I think that whether or not the "solve the problem by ignoring it" approach
>will work depends on who you are.

There's a word here I'm going to amplify... "problem".  If not having an SO
is a real problem for you, that may be distracting you from what should be
an enjoyable, interesting experience: meeting people.  Now I'll admit that
being single is an annoyance - believe me, I know.  But a greater
complication would be to be hitched (at this stage in my life, at least).
That would definitely be a bonefide problem.  In time, it won't be a problem,
it will be a goal and a purpose and a great pleasure.  

>  If you're the sort of person I am, then
>you're forced to make everything good happen to you (i.e., good things don't
>just magically happen to you, you have to *force* them to happen).

Absolutely true, I agree with this.  There are steps we can all take to
improve our odds.  Playing the lottery doesn't do this very well. Getting
out there, getting involved, getting busy, having a schedule of events,
those are very positive things to do.  

>
>If, on the other hand, you happen to be the lucky type, then I agree that
>standing back and letting it happen to you may be the best way to go about
>it.  Different solutions for different people...

Perhaps, but I think that even those lucky ones are doing certain things to
provoke their good fortune.  They way they talk, walk, dress, behave, help
out, you know what I mean.  I think they know there's an audience out there,
watching all the time, albeit casually.  And they can cater their behavior
to ellicit a certain response from that audience.

Gary