From: rigler@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (240 Hours)
Subject: Re: Safety for cj
Organization: IFA
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1992 01:55:58 GMT

Arthur Delano writes:
>Anybody who can suggest an activity for cj from which she will not
>be warned away by many concerned surrogate parents should post
>to talk.bizarre.

This was a tough assignment.  My first idea was that cj should just 
stay indoors and have someone bring her groceries, books and writing 
materials (to keep her busy).  But of course, this is no good, because 
she could get infected from paper cuts or catch salmonella from bad eggs 
if she forgot to cook them.  And what if some dolt brought her peanut 
butter?  Why, she could choke to death before the uniformed round-the-
clock attendents could administer a Heimlich maneouver.  I puzzled over
these maddening paradoxes for quite some time.

But then, in one of those terrifying flashes of insight, I became aware
of the full horror of cj's situation.  Oh how could we have overlooked
this before?  People, people, people:  cj lives in California!
                                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
But, but don't you see?  Must I spell it out?  ** E.A.R.T.H.Q.U.A.K.E. **

   <Sound of one-hundred forty thousand foreheads being slapped>

Yes.  I know what you're thinking.  How could we have let this happen?
But blaming ourselves won't help her now.  We must take immediate steps
to save her.  Later, much later, when she is safe once more, then heads
will roll for this, oh yes, and mine will be the first.  But for now, we
must remain calm and stick to my plan:

I envision entombing cj beneath an iron fortress located at the center of 
a large isolated land mass.  This island must be tsunami free and devoid 
of active volcanos (remember what happened to the civilization of Crete). 
England would be perfect, except that it lies within missile range of madmen 
like Saddaam Hussein.  Unfortunately, Antarctica is out of the question 
because of the ozone hole.  Okay, we will just have to risk England while 
we construct a small continent in the Atlantic.  Meanwhile...

England will be cleared of its civilian population, and a fanatically loyal 
military force will occupy the fortress, the island, and the surrounding seas.
Fantastic concentric earthworks will be erected, and a "star wars" defense 
system brought on line.  The military chain of command must rest solely in 
the hands of a single commander, who in turn must be subservient to an infal-
lable master battle computer, programmed in c code by atta boy.  (atta boy
himself must be put to death after beta-testing is complete, but don't tell
him this.)

As for cj herself.  She will have to be kept restrained and semi-comatose, 
deep in the heart of the finest medical facility in the world, while resear-
chers devote their full efforts to sustaining her life and developing ways 
to prolong her existence indefinitely.

I can only shake my fist at the sun with impotent fury, for in five billion
years it will enter its red giant phase.  Generations of unwavering vigilence 
will in the end come to naught when, deep in her subterranian vault, cj roasts
like a Ballpark Frank.

Rigler
--
                                 Don't you make me take a hiatus!