From: Ben.Magid@launchpad.unc.edu (Ben Magid)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes,rec.humor
Subject: Lawyer Jokes
Date: 9 Nov 92 04:03:31 GMT
Organization: University of North Carolina Extended Bulletin Board Service

Here is a long list of Lawyer Jokes. I know i stole these from 
somewhere but I can't remember where.

Q & A form jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
    Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.

----
Longer Jokes:
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
-----
     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
--
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