From: major@shuksan.boeing.com (Mike Schmitt)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: School problems
Date: 6 Apr 92 22:14:56 GMT
Organization: The Boeing Co., MMST, Seattle, Wa.

> I just received a phone call from my son's teacher.

  Ah yes, the ubiquitous phone call from THE TEACHER.  I too, have the same
  sort of problems with Trevor - now 14 - with campaign ribbons from over
  three years of entrenched warfare between, Me, My Son The Student, and
  The Beleagured Teachers.  My son is winning the battles "I won't do it and
  you can't make me" but might loose the war "So who cares about an E in
  science - the teacher's stupid."

  But, I caution you about sever discipline measures taken against him.
  (hold him hostage).  It doesn't work!  He'll likely become just as defiant
  about your restrictions.  There's three parts to the equation.  You, him,
  the school.  So - I'd suggest that one of the first things to do is call
  and arrange a face-to-face meeting with his teacher.  Discuss the situation.
  Maybe it's not all HIS fault!  Figure out a way to work together.  

  Then make a 'contract' with your son about his school work.  Here's some
  things that I've done:

  My son wasn't writing down any of the assignments.  I found out that he
  was sitting in the back of the room - I also had his eyes examined.  He
  needed glasses.  I got him glasses (three pair after the first two were
  lost/stolen/left-in-my-locker/I-don't-know-where-I-left-them) and got the
  teacher(s) to move him up closer to the front.
 
  Motivation and discipline.  We (parents) aren't sure how to teach these,
  12-year-olds aren't equiped to 'self-motivate' and 'self-discipline' and
  teachers don't seem to want to be bothered (sad commentary).  So, you're
  going to have to figure out the BEST way to instill in your son motivation
  to do his school word and discipline to do it.  

  My problem seems to be that Trevor hurries through his homework - gets it
  done (haphazardly) but forgets to turn it in.  (There must be some great
  big hole in the Universe where All Homework Goes!!! - because it seems
  that NOTHING gets turned in - even papers I help him write - "oh I forgot".)

  At one time Trevor had to take a "Daily Work Paper" to each teacher and
  fill out 'assignments', 'homework', 'tests', 'projects' and bring it to
  me every night.  We'd go through it nightly.  I'd turn off the TV/Radio
  and sit with him while he did his homework (no phone - call back next
  summer, Leah) - and prepare to help him (I'd read a book).  

  We took cable out.  Standard, commercial TV, no cable.  No TVs on in the
  bedroom while doing homework.  Radio can be on - quietly (that's a teenage
  oxymoron) but NO EARPHONES.

  I'd go over each class with him - over all the assignments - keep a copy
  of each classes' requirements (he's a high school freshman now).
  And check his work.

  I'd "contract" with him on his homework and the time spent doing his 
  homework.  

  At school - he's the teacher's problem (heh heh).  Now, I think you'll find
  these social animals called teenagers think school is a big social playground
  and SCHOOLWORK interfers in the true calling of life - and TEACHERS are
  THE ENEMY!!!!  If Trevor is doing OK in a class - Fine - if not - it's 
  usually because he'd prefere to socialize then pay attention.  Simple -
  I tell the teacher to move him away from his 'friends'.  And then try to
  instill in him that at least for 1 hour in this class KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

  Well I tried a lot of these things - even sever restrictions - once Trevor
  just got fed up and said to me, "Dad, you're always getting on my case about
  two classes - but you never say anything good to me about the four OTHER
  classes I'm getting B's in!!!!!!!"  He was right, of course.  I totally
  focused on what he was failing in and forgot to widen my vision to encourage
  and reinforce and reward what he was DOING GOOD in.  (that was an eye opener)

  Well, it worked and it didn't - I still get calls and notes from teachers
  that Trevor is failing this (so he scrambles like mad to catch up and
  bring this grade up) and then another note that he's failing in that (and
  another scramble effort....). 

  We always had this nagging beliefe that perhaps we pushed him into school
  too soon - should have held him back early on - but too late now that he's
  in high school - the impact on his self-esteem, ego, etc.  At one point
  we felt he just wasn't doing work at grade level - not able, etc.  So,
  we enrolled him in the local Sylvan Learning Center and had him tested.
  He tested at grade-level or higher!!!!!!  So, what the hells the problem?

  Sylvan says, "self-discipline" and "self-motivation" (do I hear an echo?)

  So, Mona, don't harras him - help him.  Don't make a boot camp out of your
  home.  Don't become a drill sergeant.  It's going to be tough.  But, you've
  got to sit down with him and work with him.  "Contract" with him on his
  work.  One thing recommended was some sort of allowance.  But not tied to
  any grades or schoolwork.  Monetary rewards for good grades is not 
  recommended - nor are rewards and punishment for good/poor schoolwork.  
  Keep an open dialogue with his teacher.  (once in a math class Trevor and
  his teacher had a terrible personality clash - they simply did not like
  each other at all - the solution arrived at with the principal was to move
  Trevor to another class - his teacher readily agreed).  It's not all your
  fault, it's not all your son's fault - the school and the teachers have 
  a role and responsibility, too.  Keep in touch with them - and with 
  counselors.  He's got to enjoy other aspects of life outside the classroom
  so don't take away EVERYTHING.  (But I know how you feel - I have become
  terribly angered and enraged at some of the stupid and dumb things my kids
  have done or failed to do about schoolwork - but no good comes of it - calm
  down and THINK before you do anything rash) 

  And you're not alone - every parent goes through this in one degree or 
  another.  (and think back about what you might have put YOUR parents through
  as a teenager in school - hmmmmmmmm?  Were we little angels?)

  Through email I can give you more information about the type of discussions
  and tutoring my son is getting through Sylvan - haven't seen it work just
  yet - but I'm hoping for improvement.  I'm going through the same thing
  you're going through.  Have heart - it gets better.


-- 
Mike Schmitt                   "Verify range to target.  One opinion Mr Vasily,
Boeing Defense & Space Group    and one opinion only, please.  And it's not my  
Seattle, WA                     employer's." 
major@@shuksan.boeing.com     
Newsgroups: misc.kids