Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 12:20:08 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: taiwu%sal-sun56.usc.edu@usc.edu (Tai Wu)
Subject: Late Addition to the Presidential Race
Keywords: original, funny, topical

I came up with this after watching Perot's interview on Larry King
Live here in L.A. I couldn't help but be amazed at the similarity
between Mr. Perot and Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

The story is mine, the characters Mr. Watterson's.

An interview with presidential candidate Calvin with running mate Hobbes
the tiger.

Interviewer:"I'm sitting here with the latest entry into the presidential race,
Calvin and his running mate Hobbes.  This is the first time a grade schooler
and a stuffed tiger have declared themselves eligible for the Oval Office. 
Gentlemen, er, um make that Mr. Calvin and uh, well... Got it!   Fellow
mammals, there is no denying your success in the world of comics.  And
unlike the other candidates you will not have to achieve name recognition. 
But what people want to know is will you be able to make the transition
from the funnies to the Presidency?"

Calvin:"Considering the last two presidents would have been more
successful on the Sunday comics than in office, I don't see why not."

Interviewer:"But what about you, Hobbes?  Since you only exist in the mind
of a grade schooler there's no way you can serve any useful function as
VP, except as entertainment for the press.  Don't you think that will hurt
your election chances?"

Calvin:"Look at Dan Quayle."

Interviewer:"Good point.  But the constitution requires candidates to be
35." 

Calvin:"I'm old enough as long as I have this!" (produces a small card and
hands it to the interviewer)

Interviewer:"But this is your father's driver licence with your picture pasted
over his and his name crossed out and "Calvin" written in crayon!"

Calvin:"Shhh, not so loud.  I only have to show it once and after it's been
through the wash a few times no one will be able to tell."

Interviewer:"Well, best of luck.  Let's move onto the issues.  As I
understand it if elected you will pay off the deficit by slashing the defense
budget to nothing.  What will you do if someone like Saddam Hussien
decides to annex the U.S.?"

Calvin:"No problem, Hobbes will eat 'em."

Interviewer:"What?"

Calvin:"Hobbes will eat 'em.  Tigers are good for that.  Show him Hobbes."

Hobbes:"Grrrrr."

Interviewer:"But he's just a stuffed tiger!"

Hobbes:"Grrrooowwlll!"

Calvin:"Boy, it's a good thing I fed him before we got here.  He doesn't like
to be called a stuffed tiger."

Interviewer:"But, but, but... never mind.   What about gun control?"

Calvin:"Guns don't kill people, people don't kill people, bullets kill people!
I figure if people want guns, that's fine.  We just outlaw bullets."

Interviewer:"Don't you think that criminals will be able to get bullets
anyway?  What about the police, will they have bullets?"

Calvin:"The police won't need bullets because I'll tranmorgify them into
dinosaurs.  I'm partial to Tyrannosaurs Rexes but anything big will work."

Interviewer:"Transmogrify?"

Calvin:"Sure, with my transmogrifier over there." (Points to overturned
cardboard box with TRANSMOGRIFIER written on it)

Interviewer:"Amazing what they can do with corrugated cardboard and a
crayon, isn't it?"

Calvin:"Sure.  I built it myself!  You just turn the dial to what ever you want
and crawl inside and it changes you.  Right now it can only change you
into a Tyrannosaurs Rex and a Tiger, but I left some room to write more
things down."

Interviewer:"But it's not big enough to hold a big dinosaur!"

Calvin:"Well there are still a few bugs that I'm working on, like changing
back to a human afterwards, but I figure after I become Grand Poobah of
the Universe I'll be able to get as big a box as I need."

Interviewer:"Grand Poobah of the Universe?"

Calvin:"That's going to be my first action.  President Calvin sounds so
bland compared to Calvin, Grand Poobah of the Universe."

Interviewer:"Let's talk about your election chances.  Are you running as a
Democrat, Republican or Independent?"

Calvin:"All of them."

Interviewer:"But, but, you can't *do* that!"

Calvin:"There's nothing in the rules that says you can't run as all three,
besides I figure I'll get more votes that way."

Interviewer:"Can't argue with logic like that.  But, realistically, what do you
think your chances are entering this late in the race with no campaign
manager, funds or even a coherent advertising strategy?"

Calvin:"Pretty good considering I'll be running unopposed."

Interviewer:"What about Bush, Clinton and Perot?"

Calvin:"No problem, Hobbes will eat 'em."

Hobbes:"Growl!"

Interviewer:"What?!  You just can't eat your opposition!"

Calvin:"There's nothing in the rules that says, "No tigers eating opposing
candidates."  Just keep it under your hat because Hobbes will have an
easier time if they don't expect him to pounce them.  I figure it's not my
fault that none of the other candidates choose tigers as VP. "

Interviewer:"I can guarantee that you'll have a monopoly on tigers as
running mates.  What is your stand on education?"

Calvin:"I hate it.  We should outlaw it.  Who needs to add anyway?  That's
what we have calculators for.  I figure if you can't learn it by watching TV it
isn't worth knowing."

Interviewer:"What kind of country are we going to become if we have no
education system.?"

Calvin:"I didn't say we should all be ignorant.  I'll just modify my
transmogrifier to include genius and anyone who wants to be smarter can
be."

Interviewer:"What about yourself, don't you want to be smarter?"

Calvin:"Anyone who comes up with a transmogrifier is smart enough for
me."

Interviewer:"Have you ever smoked a marijuana cigarette?"

Calvin:"I don't even know what that is.  Once I bought a pack of candy
cigarettes and put one in my mouth in front of my mom.  When she told
me not to smoke I ate it.  It was great!"

Interviewer:"You don't know what marijuana is?  How are you going to
effectively enforce drug laws?"

Calvin:"I don't think enforcement will be a problem if the entire police force
consists of Tyrannosaurs Rexes!" 

Interviewer:"Sorry, I forgot about that.  By the way what exactly is your
platform?"

Calvin:"A cookie jar in every kitchen and a transmogrifier in every garage."

Interviewer:"Interesting.  We're almost out time, so just
one more question.  What will you do if no one votes for you?"

Calvin:"They'd better, or else."

Interviewer:"Or else what?  Wait don't tell me, let me guess.  Hobbes will
eat them, right?

Calvin:(smiles)

Hobbes:"Growf?"

Calvin:"Don't worry Hobbes.  If you can't eat that many people will
transmogrify some people into tigers to give you a hand." 

Hobbes:"An eminently wise decision, my friend."

Interviewer:"Well I guess that concludes this interview.  Normally I would
say these two jokers have a snowball's chance in hell of making it but
something tells me they might just have something.  If, come November,
we are swearing in a Grand Poobah of the Universe and are wondering if
the VP has fleas, just point me towards the nearest transmogrifier,
I'm going to join the police force!" 


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