From: weasel@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Mike Rosenberg)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: My Quote List (VERY LONG)
Date: 27 Jan 93 04:54:26 GMT
Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston Illinois.


     This is the Quote List I have been compiling over the last few years. 
Most of the errors are probably mine so feel free to blame me for them. 
Suggestions, comments, and complaints should be sent to me at
          msr@casbah.acns.nwu.edu  

     The list has been divided into moderately arbitrary categories.  The
last section of the list contains quotes which have not yet been put into
categories, either because of laziness or indecision as to where I want to
put them (I should probably just dump them into Misc for now, but...)  There
is also a small section called 'words' which consists mostly of a few, very
long words phrases that I think are neat.
     As of this point, none of the quotes in the list have been taken from
alt.quotations, although I have seen a number of them posted to the news
group by others.  In the future, I will be adding quotes from a.q. as I find
them.  Enjoy!

     --Mike a.k.a. Weasel

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
*  Mike Rosenberg                   |   msr@casbah.acns.nwu.edu              *
*                                   |   jth@isp.nwu.edu                      *
*  "Weasel is not a nickname --     |   weasel@merle.acns.nwu.edu            * 
*   it's a state of mind."          |   weasel@nwu.edu                       *
*                                   |                                        *
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid"
	Heinrich Heine


*******************************************************************
AMERICA (See Politics)

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world? 
     Richard M. Nixon

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
civilization in between. 
     Oscar Wilde   

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
     Frank Lloyd Wright 

An asylum for the sane would be empty in America. 

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 

*******************************************************************
ART/MUSIC

Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one
     Stella Adler

I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time.
     Erin Cleary

Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and 
have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are.
     Henry Fielding

Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom
     Robert Frost

You're an actor, are you?  Well, all that means is:  you are irresponsible,
irrational, romantic, and incapable of handling an adult emotion or a
universal concept without first reducing it to something personal, material,
sensational -- and probably sexual!
     George Herman, _A Company of Wayward Saints_

But that's what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else
feels crummy.
     The New Yorker

Without music life would be a mistake
     Friedrich Nietzsche

Wagner's music is better than it sounds
     Mark Twain

A critic is a legless man who teaches running. 

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell
it. 

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.

*******************************************************************
CHILDREN/YOUTH (See Marriage/Family)

Childhood:  The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of
infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and
three from the remorse of age. 
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 

You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks
and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. 

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners. 

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said. 

*******************************************************************
COMPUTERS

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and
explode once a year killing everyone inside.      
     Robert Cringely/InfoWorld

To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its
programmer
     Morris Kingston  

To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
     Orben's Current Comedy

To err is human;  to really foul things up requires a computer. 

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

The goal of Computer Science is to build somthing that will last at least
until we've finished building it. 
  
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 
  
Whenever possible blame the hardware. 

*******************************************************************
DECADENCE

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
     Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from acquiring
the deadening effect of a habit. 
     W. Somerset Maugham 

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know
why I'll do it again.
     Bart Simpson

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never
tried before. 
     Mae West 
 
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 
     Mae West 

I like the word 'indolence'.  It makes my laziness seem classy.
     Bern Williams

The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be
good. 

Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin! 

*******************************************************************
DESIRE

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.
     Alexander Graham Bell

Better murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire
     William Blake

Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp--or what's a heaven for?
     Robert Browning

Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose
pain.
     William Faulkner

It's not peace I want, not mere contentment.  It's boundless joy and ecstasy
for me.
     Kugell 

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
     Lane Olinghouse

I'm a simple man.  All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough
whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

Whatever you want too much, you can't have, so when you REALLY want
something, try to want it a little less.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg

Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.

If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't
have that you wouldn't want

What is my loftiest ambition?  I've always wanted to throw an egg at an
electric fan. 

*******************************************************************
ECONOMICS/MONEY/BUSINESS

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 
     Frank Adams 
 
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
     J. Paul Getty 

I'm proud of paying taxes.  The only thing is --- I could be just as proud
for half the money. 
     Arthur Godfrey 
 
The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money. 
     IRS auditor 
  
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. 
     Karl Marx 
 
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it
would have been much better. 
     Karl Marx's Mother

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
     John H. Patterson

When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them. 
     H. V. Prochnow 
 
I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire. 
     Lewis Timberlake 

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
     Mark Twain

Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality
to be accountants. 
 
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
afterward. 

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. 

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. 

*******************************************************************
EDUCATION

Learning is finding out what you already know
     Richard Bach

Academy: A modern school where football is taught. 
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Education:  That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish
their lack of understanding.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Genius without education is like silver in the mine. 
     Ben Franklin 
 
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 
     Mark Twain 

About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard. 

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 

I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations. 

*******************************************************************
EGO

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 
     Tallulah Bankhead 

An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
     Ambrose Bierce

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space
     Diana Black

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
     Ashleigh Brilliant 

A really busy person never knows how much he weighs.
     Edgar Watson Howe

I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress
     Jane Siberry

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example
     Mark Twain

I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 
     Mae West 

Swallowing pride never choked anyone

The best thing to do behind a person's back is to pat it

When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be
surprised to learn they're not it.

*******************************************************************
FOOLS

There's no fool like an old fool --- you can't beat experience. 
     Jacob Braude 
 
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
     Dale Carnegie

There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.
     Niven's Law # 16 

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenius.

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. 

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 

To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 

*******************************************************************
FRIENDS/ENEMIES

Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other
fragile and precious thing.
     Randolph S. Bourne

A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
     Oscar Wilde

We really don't have enemies.  It's just that some of our best friends are
trying to kill us.

Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it
is bad.

Never speak ill of yourself;  your friends will always say enough on that
subject. 

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 

*******************************************************************
HAPPINESS

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without
action.
     Benjamin Disraeli

Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.

Happiness:  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
another. 

*******************************************************************
HISTORY/PAST

If you had your life to live over again--you'd need more money.
     Construction Digest

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.
     Benjamin Disraeli

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. 
     Dwight D. Eisenhower 

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times
like these.
     Paul Harvey

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable
must Man be of learning from experience
     George Bernard Shaw

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. 

Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper. 

*******************************************************************
HUMOR

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
     Fred Allen

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
     Victor Borge

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.  Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer
and die.
     Mel Brooks

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit
of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
     Herodotus

The muse of humor has once again looked down upon me, and found me worthy to
carry out the deeds of her noble cause.
     Michael S. Rosenberg

He who laughs, lasts. 

If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.  A person
will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body
- the wishbone. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to
be amused.

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 

*******************************************************************
KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM (see Mind)

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. 
     Confucius 
 
It takes a long time to understand nothing. 
     Edward Dahlberg 
 
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can.
     Montaigne

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in
it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove
lid.  She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also
she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
     Mark Twain

Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and
the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 

The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge. 

Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 

Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know. 

Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.  Certain old men prefer to rise
at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach,
and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these
practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being
that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of
them.  The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has
killed all the others who have tried it. 

It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn. 

The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. 

*******************************************************************
LANGUAGE

Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect?  There's a frood who really knows
where his towel is.
     Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_

Language is a virus from outer space.
     William S. Burroughs

We are getting into semantics again.  If we use words, there is a very grave
danger they will be misinterpreted.
     H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense. 

Conversation is the slowest form of human communication. 

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 

It took me fifteen  years to discover I had no talent for writing, 
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 

*******************************************************************
LEGEND/VALOR

Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age. 
     H. L. Mencken 
 
I find that we all get more legendary as time goes by.  "Legend" means,
basically, "bullshit."
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

Slovotsky's Law Number Thirty-One:  Get scared right away; avoid the rush.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

...the bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is
before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet
it.
     Thucydides

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity.  Thus are legends born! 

They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Naturally they became
heroes. 

*******************************************************************
LIFE/DEATH

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of
underwear.
     Woody Allen

A life without cause is a life without effect
     Barbarella

Don't take life too seriously.  You'll never get out alive. 
     Bugs Bunny 
 
I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 
     Winston Churchill 
  
...the fog is rising
     Emily Dickinson's last words

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on
a rainy Sunday afternoon. 
     Susan Ertz 

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing pole.
     Doug Larson

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of
myself. 
     Mickey Mantle 

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. 
     Kathy Norris 
 
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
     Heidi Sandige

When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming-
-I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it.  "No, no, you want the
other Walter Slovotsky."
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards
with us.
     Karl Cullinane, _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner,
you have learned how to live.
     Lin Yutang

May you live all the days of your life. 

What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life. 

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. 
 
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded

Death:  to stop sinning suddenly. 

All of the animals except man know that the principal business of 
life is to enjoy it.

There are more dead people than living.  And their numbers are 
increasing.  The living are getting rarer. 

*******************************************************************
LOVE (See Sex)

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 
     Charlie Brown 

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of
his personality
     Victor Frankel

Love is a hole in the heart.
     Ben Hecht

She's a very dominant woman; she walks on the ground I worship
     Dennis Miller

Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man
is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 

*******************************************************************
MARRIAGE/FAMILY (See Children/Youth)

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. 
     Joey Adams 
 
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.
     Edward Albee

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city. 
     George Burns 
 
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since
they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
     Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. 
     F. M. Knowles 
 
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not
hereditary.
     Thomas Paine

Familiarity breeds contempt --- and children. 
     Mark Twain 

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
     Charles Wadsworth

Never try to guess your wife's size.  Just buy her anything marked `petite'
and hold on to the receipt. 
 
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have children, but
there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. 

Marriage is like the army.  Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at
how many re-enlist.

Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together
if ever we had been married? 

There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't,
and that's a spouse who can't cook and will. 

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like
a bank note, for two twenties. 

*******************************************************************
MIND (see Knowledge/wisdom)

-Well, here's something to occupy you and keep your mind off things.
-It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
     Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_

There was never a genius without a tincture of madness. 
     Aristotle 

95% of this game is half mental. 
     Yogi Berra 
 
Logic:  The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.  
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mad, adj:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." 
     Lewis Carroll 
 
It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and
unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings.
     Bronwyn Davies

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
     Thomas Dewar

Just on the border of your waking mind, there lies another time, where
darkness and light are one. And as you tread the halls of sanity, you feel
so glad to be unable to go beyond. I have a message from another time.....
     ELO: "Prologue from the "Time" album -- Daicon IV Opening Animation

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
     Ralph Waldo Emerson

George was a great dunce, but no matter for that:  all men do not thrive in
the world according to their learning.
     Henry Fielding

That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling 
in itself.
     Tom Gates 

Don't play dumb.  You're not as good at it as I am.
     Colonel Flagg, MASH

Open your mind before you open your mouth.
     Fortune Cookie

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
     Jules de Gaultier

Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity. 
     Remy De Gourmant  

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
     Heinrich Heine  

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original
dimensions. 
     Oliver Wendell Holmes 
 
It's great to be young and insane.
     Michael Keaton, "Dream Team"

The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many
accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.
     Ed Parker 

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
     George Bernard Shaw 

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
     George Bernard Shaw

The melancholy truth was that his glorious golden head had nothing in it.
     Cecil Woodham Smith

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in
the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. 

Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. 

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 

Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should
have in mind. 

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid 
the real labor of thinking. 

If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as a man
and then compare the relative brain size, we know find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it WAS!

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 

When a stupid person is doing something it is ashamed of, it always declares
that it is his job. 

*******************************************************************
MISC

Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life
forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
meeting.
     Marvin, _Life, the Universe, and Everything_ by Douglas Adams

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating
a dead horse.
     Woody Allen              

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 
     Paul Beatty 

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. 
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you
do not entertain.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mayonnaise:  One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state
religion.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Get your cut throat off my knife
     Diane Diprima, _Nightmare Gallery_

Lif is too short
     Bart Gold

Every once in a while a film comes along.  This is such a film.
     Mad Magazine

There are 4 kinds of Homicide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy.
     Ambose Pierce 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am
the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
     Karl Cullinane _The Silver Crown_ by Joel Rosenberg

If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you
can hang yourself with the cord. 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 

...an eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death shall
be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil.  

Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius. 

All the sex and twice the violence... HARSH realm.

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading one, so
I woke up from sheer boredom. 

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

*******************************************************************
OPTIMISM/PESSIMISM

Optimism:  The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly,
everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ...
It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
     Ambrose Bierce 

Since I gave up hope I feel much better

A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and
the pessimist fears this is true. 

*******************************************************************
PLEASURE

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.
     Samuel Johnson 

There is no time like the pleasant. 

Pain past is pleasure.

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play
for once! 

*******************************************************************
POLITICS/LAW

The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to
burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
     William H. Borah

Diplomacy --- the art of saying "Nice doggie" 'til you can find a stick. 
     Wynn Catlin 

I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first
lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of
infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was
Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.
     Winston Churchill 
 
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
     Arthur C. Clarke
 
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood.
     Alexander Haig

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but
Congress can.
     Cullen Hightower

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 
     Abbie Hoffman 
  
Justice is incidental to law and order. 
     J. Edgar Hoover

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce. 
     J. Edgar Hoover
 
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country
choose a second rate president.
     Richard M. Nixon

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men
in national government too. 
     Richard M. Nixon

No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.  He won it by making
other bastards die for their country.
     George Smith Patton

I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts. 
     Will Rogers 

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. 
     Will Rogers 
  
Our elections are free --- it's in the results where eventually we pay. 
     Bill Stern 
 
A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a
leader. 
     Harry Truman 

No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in
session.
     Judge Gideon J. Tucker

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly
American criminal class except Congress.
     Mark Twain

I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but  I've seen
more of them who were paralyzed in the head
     George Wallace  

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can. 

A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air. 

Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains
a lamp and the friend of a politician. 

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they
make a law it's a joke. 

A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to 
run. 

This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many
people. They had to settle for what they could get.    
  
There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things.  Death and taxes come
to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators come
together. 
   
Republicans employ exterminators.  Democrats step on bugs. 
 
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 

Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. 

A politician is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to
the ground. 

Pro is to con as progress is to Congres. 

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.  This is our
idea of useless legislation.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 

You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.

Council for the defence was prepared to prove:  1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles
away when it happened. 

Don't vote, it only encourages them. 

*******************************************************************
PROCRASTINATION

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up

Nothing is really work unless you'd rather be doing something else
 
*******************************************************************
RELIGION

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with
a life of sin. 
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
      
An apology for the devil:it must be remembered that we have heard one side
of the case.  God has written all the books.
     Samuel Butler 

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with
our frail and feeble mind. 
     Albert Einstein 

I could prove God statistically. 
     George Gallup 

Who says I am not under the special protection of God?
     Adolf Hitler

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 
     Alfred Jarry 

In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him.
     "Aqualung" - Jethro Tull

You don't fuck around with the infinite
     Mean Streets

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist
     Michael Patton

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 
     Oscar Wilde 

Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 

The churches must learn humility as well as teach it. 

A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 

*******************************************************************
SCIENCE

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry is the
study of carbon compounds that crawl. 
     Mike Adams
  
Inventor:  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and
springs, and believes it civilization.
     Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,  Thursday, and
Saturday.
     William Bragg

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
     Goethe
 
Scientists are the easiest to fool.  They think in straight, predictable,
directable, and therefore misdirectable, lines.  The only world they know is
the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they
appear to be.  Children and conjurors--they terrify me.  Scientists are no
problem; against them I feel quite confident.
     Zambendorf, _Code of the Lifemaker_ by James P. Hogan

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a
torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an
oracle, is inborn in us.
     Paul Vale'ry, 1895

Gyroscope, n.: 
     A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to
rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis
of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes
results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning
and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the
axis of spin. 
     Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 
  
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. 
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 

Entropy isn't what it used to be. 
  
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is trivial,
is trivially trivial. 

*******************************************************************
SELF

Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours
     Richard Bach

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of
lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
     Montaigne

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
     Kurt Vonnegut

Do, or do not.  There is no try.
     Yoda

*******************************************************************
SEX (see Love)

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
     Joseph Fischer 

Slovotsky's Law number Twenty-Three:  Trouble with you Jewish girls is that
your desire to DO is in inverse proportion to your willingness to TALK about
it.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Sleeping Dragon_ by Joel Rosenberg

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.
     Robin Williams

Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'. 

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.  
 
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or
how long it will last. 
 
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 
 
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. 

The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is sex. 

Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it's good, it's really good.  When it's bad,
it's still pretty good.

Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily. 

*******************************************************************
SEXIST

For every dollar a man makes
A woman makes 63 cents
Now, fifty years ago that was 62 cents,
So, with any kind of luck, it'll be the year 3,888
Before we make a buck
     Laurie Anderson

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
     Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson

When God created men, she was only joking

All men are created equal.  All women are created superior.

*******************************************************************
TIME

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want
     Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson

You can't make a baby in one month, even if you make nine women pregnant
     Some scientist

*******************************************************************
TRUTH

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 
     Niels Bohr

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the
truth. 
      Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
It is a puzzling thing.  The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away,
I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away.  Puzzling.
     Robert M. Pirsig

I never give them hell.  I just tell the truth and they think it's hell. 
     Harry Truman 
 
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a
falsehood, isn't it? 

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by
children. 

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know
how to lie well.

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 

My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world. 

Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth. 

*******************************************************************
UNIVERSE

There is a theory that state:  "If anyone finds out what the universe is for
it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizzarly inexplicable."
There is another theory that states:  "This has already happened..."
     Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether
I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
     Chang-tzu

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
     Albert Einstein 

The chess board is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the universe,
the rules of the game are what we call the laws of Nature.  The player on the
other side is hidden from us.  We know that his play is always fair, just and
patient.  But we also know, to our cost, that he never overlooks a mistake,
or makes the smallest allowance for ignorance.
     Thomas Henry Huxley

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind
to correlate all its contents. 
     H. P. Lovecraft

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything
else in the universe.
     John Muir (1838-1914)

When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you
     Friedrich Nietzche

Reality is good for you...in small doses. 

The universe is laughing behind your back. 

It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 

Natural laws have not pity. 

*******************************************************************
WOMEN

You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires.  Which
is why God invented dental floss.
     Susanne Kollrack 

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes
a fool of him in twenty minutes. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars. 

*******************************************************************
WORDS

Aischbedellazouchecastleabbe
     -title of song (Ash forest by the bridge next to the Castle Abbe)

Artiformologicalintactitudinarianisminist
     -one who studies 4-5 letter latin prefixes and suffixes

Humahumanukanukaapua'a
     -the state fish of Hawaii (Reef Trigger Fish)

Kardivilliwarrakurrakurrieapparlandoo
     -name of a lake in Northern Australia

Regnant populi. (The people rule.) 
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.) 

*******************************************************************
UNCATEGORIZED

...If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the
wrong impression.

If you're walking on thin ice, you might was well dance.

A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
     Barbarella

Of, excuse me, I though I was someone else for a moment

Three may keep a secret, if two are dead
     Benjamin Franklin

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing
     George Bernard Shaw

Stress:   The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic
desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately
deserves it.

Tenderness is the repose of Passion.
     Joseph Joubert

A bore is a person who talks so much about itself that you can't talk about
yourself. 

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 

Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith. 

Charity:  a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 

About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the
plain people is the stork. 

Nothing succeeds like -- failure. 

Every person is wrong until they cry, and then they are right, instantly. 

Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience. 

There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 

Some men are discovered; others are found out. 

Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction. 

Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware
of it. 

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 

I do desire we may be better strangers. 

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. 

I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion. 

Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 

It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution. 

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the
tail and face the situation
     W. C. Fields 

There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct,
or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction
of a new order to things.
     N. Machiavelli 

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. 
     Miles Davis 
  
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 
     Oscar Wilde 
 
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but
that's the way to bet. 
     Damon Runyon  
 
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong
direction. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the
target. 
     Ashleigh Brilliant 

If A equals success, then the formula is: 
   A= X + Y + Z 
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. 
     Albert Einstein 

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 
     Mark Twain 
 
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. 
     Graffiti 

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it
     Gordon R. Dickson  
 
I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand as
in what direction we are moving; To reach the port of heaven, we must sail
sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it--but we must sail, and not
drift, nor lie at anchor.
     Oliver Wendell Holmes

Man tends to root for the underdog, because he fears that he will find
himself in that same position far too often.
     Michael S. Rosenberg

There just isn't any pleasing some people.  The trick is to stop trying.
     Walter Slovotsky, _The Warrior Lives_ by Joel Rosenberg

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
     D. J. Hicks

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.  The
highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
     Ancient Chinese Warlord

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
     Ashleigh Brilliant

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem
more afraid of life than death.
     James F. Byrnes

Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
     Charles G. Dawes

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. 
You may both be wrong.
     Dandemis

Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
     Jean Toomer

Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
     Charles Brower

No one ever listened himself out of a job.
     Calvin Coolidge

A signature always reveals a man's character--and sometimes even his name.
     Evan Esar

Some people march to a different drummer--and some people polka.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they
were.

Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get
more wax!!

I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from
you. 
      Ashleigh Brilliant 
 
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is. 
      Ashleigh Brilliant 
           
In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there
is just one of it where there should be two.    

Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!    

People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor! 

The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do
for an encore. 
 
We have deep depth. 
     Yogi Berra 
 
We made too many wrong mistakes. 
     Yogi Berra 
 
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. 
     Casey Stengel 
 
We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't
hittin'. 
     Casey Stengel 
 
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. 
     Mark Twain 
 
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
     Willard Gaylin

You can observe a lot by just watching. 
     Yogi Berra 
 
In Mexico we have a word for sushi -- bait. 
     Jose Simon 
 
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of
ten it will.
     Paul Harvey News, 1979 
 
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
     Farmers Almanac 
 
Hypocrisy is the lubricant of society.
     David Hull