From: bsmith@serverx.osf.org (Bruce Smith)
Subject: Re: Cheer up, dammit (was Re: contra-gypsies)
Organization: Open Software Foundation
Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1992 16:42:51 GMT

In article <RSHOLMES.92Apr15110808@rodan.syr.EDU> rsholmes@rodan.syr.EDU (Rich Holmes) writes:
>
>Right then, time for me to amplify on this one. I do not have a happy
>face. I don't have a natural smile. About the best I can manage on a
>continuous basis is a grimace you wouldn't *want* to look at, or else
>a very subdued smile that, under my mustache, looks more like a frown.
>That's me, folks. 

Sometimes it takes an effort to smile at another person. It is, after all,
a kind of risk-taking. What if your smile isn't reciprocated? Maybe you're
just having a bad day; perhaps life is dealing you all the wrong cards.
Hell, maybe you've got nothing to smile about. Nevertheless, a smile is a
good way of acknowledging another person, and it also indicates to the 
other that you're pleased to be in his or her company, even for a short
time.
>
>Those who dance with me a lot know that when I'm dancing, I'm usually
>enjoying myself immensely even if the shape of my mouth doesn't show
>it. Those who don't -- some of them -- a few of them -- decide I'm
>either not happy or not doing my job by smiling. "SMILE! IT CAN'T BE
>THAT BAD!" they say. And they're right, because it just got worse.

I *don't* know you, Rich. I don't want to observe your body language, either --
that's not why I go dancing. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself immensely even
if you're not smiling, but I think there's a distinction between non-smilingness
and some of the dour faces that appear, incredibly enough, at contra dances.
One of the main reasons I became attracted to contra dancing was the light-
heartedness of the music, a feeling that seemed reflected in dancers' faces.
>
>Once a woman at a dawn dance told me to smile about the third time
>through, and when I still didn't show enough teeth to satisfy her, she
>spent the rest of the dance not looking at me and when it was over,
>walked away from me without a word.

Sorry to hear about your encounter with her. Bet you won't be dancing with
her anytime soon. I have my own peeves about some of the charmers that have
turned up at dances, but that can wait for another discussion.

>
>When you dance with an overweight person, do you say, "Lose some
>weight, lardbutt?" When you dance with a short person, do you say,
>"Buy some elevator shoes, pipsqueak?" No?

Of course not, but it's a bit more socially acceptable to question what
appears to be an unhappy facial expression. Last night, at a dance, I got
asked why I was laughing and smiling so much! What could I say? I felt
happy, that's why. 

>
>Well, then, when you're dancing with a smile-challenged individual,
>show the same kind of tolerance. Pay some attention to the eyes, the
>body language, and so on, and you're likely to find your partner
>really is happy and having a wonderful time. If so, and even more so
>if not, demanding a forced, continuous smile isn't likely to lead to
>better feelings.

The forced smile doesn't work, but a pleasant smile of delight -- even a 
brief one -- works wonders. Naturally, you don't want to go around grinning
idiotically at everyone, and some people may not rate any kind of smile at all.
What do you do with the people who won't even *look* at you?

Bruce Smith
Newsgroups: rec.folk-dancing