Newsgroups: rec.music.classical
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 12:32:32 -0400 
From: Nicole Marie Brockmann <nb0o+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: VIOLA JOKE collection

Sigh...

It seems we violists just can't get a break around here. However, I have
to admit that the telling of viola jokes has become somewhat of an art
form.

A few months ago I posted a request for viola jokes. Here, for your
reading pleasure, I am re-posting the list of jokes I received. 

Try not to fall off your chairs laughing.

Nicole Brockmann
Violist, Carnegie Mellon University

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What is the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers?
They both never strike the same place twice.
 
What do you call 10,000 violas at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
 
What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road
and a dead violist in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
 
(taken from rec.music.makers)
What's the first thing you throw to a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier.
 
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
 
> What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
>    Vibrato.
or, you can tune a lawn mower.
 
A tax preparer was helping some customers. The first guy comes in and the tax m
an
asks him "How much money did you make last year?"
  The guy answers " Oh, about $100,000"
         "Gee, that's good! what do you do"
                   "I'm a lawyer for a big corporation, etc"
So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.
         "How much money did you make last year?"
                   "I made $150,000 dollars"
         "Oh really? What do you do?"
                    "Well, I'm the head doctor at this big hospital......."
And so the taxman finishes with him.
The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,
         "How much money did you make last year?"
   The guy answers "Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about
$9,000"
The tax man asks him " Oh, really? What instrument do you play?"
 
 
What's the range of a viola?
Depends on whether it's kicked or thrown.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
 
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
 
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
 
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
 
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be.  The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down."  The violist replied, "You're
kidding!  The conductor came to my house?"
 
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?"  The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs."  The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you
crying?"  To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
 
A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch
of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep
into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling
of wild cats and other fierce wild animals. After a few days of travel, 
Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the
background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He
got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and
all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the
jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what
the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no
answer. Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming
(which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped.
The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the
undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was
trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is wrong? Why have the drums
stopped?" The native guide replied "Very bad." "What?" asked Horace, who
was expecting the worst. The guide answered "When drum stops, very bad
- next comes viola solo!"

A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd
who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine
meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd:
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The
shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was
little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he
said "Sure." The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's
astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist
got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the
shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep,
bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with
him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your
occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised
by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able
to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd
then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very
surprised and asked "How did you know?" to which the shepherd
responded "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."

What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?
You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.
 
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The violists drool from both sides of their mouths.

Q. What's the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A. Music Minus One.

Q: What's a chord?
A: Three violists playing unison

Q: Why play violINist always with best intonation.
A: Because they are shot if they play wrong.
 
Q: Why play violist always with bad intonation.
A: Can't shoot them all

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Sorry if I've accidentally duplicated any here! Many thanks to
contributors, including Robert Spiker, Molly Diesing, Harold Smoliar,
Houston Dunleavy, Werner Icking, and Alexander Polden.