From: root@khijol.UUCP
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: post
Date: 12 Sep 92 07:07:57 GMT

X-ANON-Version: 0.4


mcmorris@vet.vet.purdue.edu (brandywine) said
> 
> well. wow. I am so confused that I can barely think straight...
> I talked to my xSO, who I posted about saying those things to me...
> actually, we talked via computer because I am afraid to see him.  I
> have a tendancy to react violently when angry... but I talked to him
> because the violence was comsuming me and  I *HAD* to know what he
> really meant.
> 
> for so long, he was the most sensitive person I knew.  When I would
> have a flashback when we were in bed, he would as ME to hold HIM
> (Mainly because I would pull away from him because I felt like I was
> drity and wrong and didn't want to contaminate him. we talked about it
> and he said he needed me then too, to know that I wasn't blaming him)
> 
> he said he didn't mean it the way it sounded and that he doesn't know
> why he said it. until he does, I don't want to see him at all. we were
> both angry and he had been drinking. I don't know what to think or
> what to do. he doesn't want me back, but I feel I have to get this
> resolved because I don't want to be in this situation again.

Brandywine, what type of resolution are you looking for out of this?
I know what you are saying when you mentioned that people who are angry
as you and your "xSO" were at the time may well (and often do) say things
that are more intended to hurt the other than to mean exactly what the
words say.  But, knowing that he doesn't want you back, what would be
an acceptable resolution?  Some type of explanation of the actions (I hope
that you are luckier than I have been in similar situations, becuase in my
case what you have been told is all I ever got (i.e. I don't know why I 
said it, but I couldn't have been wrong when I did say it, so you go away...)).

> 
> Was I remaking him to fit what I expected? Abuse and coldness? or was
> he fitting my expectation because it is hard to do anything else. I
> know I have a strong, overpowering at times, personality. And yet, a
> low self-esteem.

Either could have happened.  Only you, with a "cooler" head now can determine
what actually was the situation.  Drinking and anger can do some real funny 
things.
So you, perhaps, feel that you didn't deserve a good relationship at this time?
You never did say what you were angry about, could this have just been the fact
that the drinking made you "put the brakes on too late" when you were picking
at each other?

> 
> I love him, but that isn't enough. And, he has his own issues to deal
> with. I think I portrayed him in a horrible light, when he is human
> and even tho he didn't suffer sexual abuse, his family tended to have
> very little communication.
> he did try... and he lasted longer than any of my previous lovers...
> 
> I don't know. I am confused about what I can do. THe violence is gone
> for now, but I am still angry. I keep trying to think if there is
> anything he could do... and I can't find it...

If you can't find it, and he doesn't really want you back, then there is
not much you can do about the relationship.  You will have to work on
getting on with your life.

> 
> he says it is so hard to watch me suffering and hurting that even tho
> he cares, he can only sit idly by... I can understand that. to enter
> the nightmares is hard for my therapist... I don't think I could watch
> him go thru it... and yet, it is harder for me...
> 
> he doesn't want to get back together. and I don't either. but I am
> also angry because I keep thinking, I might be a normal person who
> could love without all this bullshit if my abusers hadn't abused me.

This is true, but PLEASE be careful with that thought.  Although *YOU*
are not responsible for the abuse you suffered, *YOU* must still deal with
the effect of it.  Yes, I know that it isn't fair, but if anyone has
another way I hope they will post it so all can learn.

> 
> I go to counseling more to prevent me from ever doing this to someone
> else than to save myself. we hear a lot, or at least I do, about how
> a sexual abuse victim will never be totally healed.  that depresses
> me.

What do they mean by "totally healed?"  If they mean that you will never be
as if the abuse did not occur, that is LITERALLY true.  But then again, the
same can be said of someone that fell off of a horse, had a bad car accident,
had any other tragedy you could think of (large or small).  The fact that you
have those memories will probably never go away, BUT you CAN live a normal
happy life!  My father was in a wheel-chair since before I was born. I never
knew what it was like to have a father that could walk... Will I ever forget
or "undo" that?  Nope.  I do, however, lead a happy and productive life and
I do not hold the world responsible for the fact that my dad couldn't walk,
that he was denied jobs because he couldn't get into a building, etc.

> 
> how do you get past the games and trials that you were taught as a
> child...

One step at a time.  You constantly be alert and try to stop them
as soon as you realize they are beginng.  That is the hard part.  No one
can do that for you, at best, they can provide support while you slowly
modify your behavior to go on without the games ( the unhealthy games, that is).

> 
> I was asked to imagine how my life would be different if this hadn't
> happened. I don't even know how. it started before my memories
> started... how can I suppose that? and if I did, I would probably
> become so violent that I couldn't control it... (I am working on
> controlling the violence and finding positive outlets for my anger.)
> 
> when I get angry and violent, I call a friend. for a long time, I
> directed the punishments at myself. I would eat to get fat... I would
> claw at my legs... now, I scream and talk to someone who will listen.
> it tends to calm me down away from the violent side.
> 
> I seem to be posting a lot lately, and i hope these aren't hurting
> anyone... I don't know what to do about my xSO, about my life, about
> my anger....

I don't think that posting here is hurting anyone.  take one step at a time.
You mention above that you are controlling your anger better now by talking,
CONGRATULATIONS on that!  Rome wasn't built in a day (the pizza parlors took
at least a week...;-) ).  

> 
> but, ithink I will go work out at the corec on campus. physical
> exhersion tends to get some of the anger out....

sounds like a great idea, work out for me too  ;-)

> 
> thanks to all of you for listening....

No problem... Glad you took the time to share

> -brandywine
> 
Hugs if you want them

Taylor 		khijol!twm@saturn.upl.com
--
To post to this newsgroup anonymously, send mail to khijol!anonasar@saturn.upl.com
To make sure you can reach the server, send mail to khijol!ping@saturn.upl.com
   with a valid "Reply-To:" header.
To reach the admin for this service, send mail to erc@apple.com

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery