HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
X-Vmsmail-To: WINS%"FNORD-L@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu"
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 10:49:34 -0500
From:         Saint Crispin <LESSER@FAXON.COM>
Subject:      A true heart steps forward..

Someone get me a kleenex...

**I THINK I'M IN LOVE!!!!**


.. Ahhhhh, Melanie!  The very name brings a sigh to my lips, a spring to my
step, and yes, MERCIFUL, a song to my heart.  (Gosh, I love it when the
innocents get jumpy!)


        -- Hey, stop that! You can't do that. That's not nice....


Kinda like looking at a car crash, though, isn't it, Mel?  Makes you feel so
bad, for those poor mangled corpses, but it kind of excites you, too -- don't
it?  Come on, you can tell me...  I'm really very nice, not like the others
here. I want you to feel good.  I want to make you happy.  Take my hand,
dearest one.


        "Let's go up to the lab,

         We can see what's on the slab,

         I can almost feel the an-tic-i-pa..
                                            . .
                                               ..
                                                 .
                                                    --tion"


You know you like what you see...  Wouldn't you leave if you didn't?  Look into
yourself...  Deep inside...  Deeper...


Now, take a warm bath.  Let me towel you off.  There.  Do you want a cookie?
Ok, let's get you tucked into bed...  Where's your favorite book?  Feel better
now, Melanie?  Ok, you can turn off the light now...  Sweet dreams.


[The door closes, and truly caring footsteps pad down the carpeted hallway.]


                               * * * *


[Cut to the basement, where a secret door opens to a tunnel leading to the
infamous FNORD-L Bunker.]


FNORDIANS, please, you need to go easier on Melanie. I tell you, she's a peach
-- a real, honest to goodness peach!  I don't care what you all think, I want to
keep her...  I need someone to dress up and take shopping.  Someone to
indoctrinate into my next order...  She's a blank slate and she doesn't even
realise it!

Now, as for Foss, I wandered into a joint uptown and caught some of his act a
couple weeks ago...  Same old song and dance, but the crowd just doesn't
appreciate it.  It's rather sad...  But, then I think he likes the torture of
hoping to be understood by those he wants to misunderstand him.  There's never
any real threatening judgement involved...
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Thu, 28 Jan 1993 11:29:00 -06
From:         Dana Rollins <ROLLIDE@AUDUCADM.DUC.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject:      Reply to Re: Just say NO2

>
On Thu, 28 Jan 1993 11:07:20 -0500 <odailey@N2O.MAYO.EDU> said:
>The last straw, for me, was the irresponsible and scurrilious
>casual reference to the anesthetic gas, nitrous oxide, commonly
>referred to in the popular parlance as "laughing gas".

Language is our friend, and here's why:
This is an opportunity to ask ourselves a minor semantic question.  A minor
question, yes, but the answer will be instructional.  Here's the question:

Is it possible nowadays, to use the words "irresponsible and scurrilious (sic)"
unironically?

Once we know that, we know some other things as well.

gm

*** Comments from ROLLIDE - Rollins, Dana; 01/28/93 11:20am:
I believe what my little (tar and) feathered friend meant was
MISironically, right, Timmy?
As in, "I misironed my tutu today, but promise to rectify this gross
negligence and never rest until such time as I have satisfactorily
exacted vengenance on the enemies of my peoples".
Now, isn't that what you REALLY meant, you little marmoset?

Forgive him.  It's hard for him to think.

And now I'm off to my favorite soul food restaurant.

Cuthbert, I'm forwarding all my calls to you now.  You know the
procedure...


Merciful
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
X-Acknowledge-To: <LIBALP@EMUVM1>
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Tue, 26 Jan 1993 18:43:28 EST
From:         General Mills <LIBALP@EMUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Explanation

Tomorrow all you new people will be initiated, which basically means that
I'm going to spell your names backwards.  Then, no doubt, you will be
flamed repeatedly by Merciful Dickens (learn the names, Melanie, PLEASE) until
you feel comfortable, or however.

Also, the (apparently) secret meaning of the piss-post (which is true, BTW),
was for everyone to loosen up their tongues (or keyboards, if you're anal).
Judging by the reaction, that makes me

The Accidental Magician
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 11:34:00 -06
From:         Dana Rollins <ROLLIDE@AUDUCADM.DUC.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject:      Reply to No Subject

>
I was thinking about what I said yesterday about having heard nothing funny or
original on this list in the few weeks I've listened, making the exception of
the near-death experience for your boss, and I realized that there was one
other post I thought was nice and funny. In all fairness I thought I should
bring it up. (You guys never compliment each other.) What it was was that poem
about the stringy haired blond and the poetry readings. That was really good,
thank you, whoever it was. I guess you wrote that yourself? It's a lot better
than some of the other poetry I've heard.

Melanie

*** Comments from NITPICKEE; 01/27/93 11:32am:
Nah, that was lame, too, Old Girl.
Go back inside and don't come back out until you have something
interesting to say.
Please?

Merciful
(No Flames, Please)
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 15:59:15 EST
From:         CYNOVY@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: Slide Show from my travels....
              27 Jan 1993 13:14:24 EST from <robert@WHIPLASH.ER.USGS.GOV>

>cause them magazines kept puttin' me to sleep an then i'd lay
>awake
>all
>night

Whiplash!  Well, now, then, obviously you have time on yer hands!
And time well spent is as good as a glare from the nurses as you
ask for the silver treatment one more time!  So just you mind and
stay around this time, y'hear!  And, while we're on the subject,
d'ya think, could ya, might ya just indulge me, and rejoin the
Stony Brook Softball team!  We could use you for short relief and
saves!

It's SBRHYM-L@SBCCVM, in case you've forgotten!  See ya there!

mg
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Thu, 28 Jan 1993 09:05:41 EST
From:         DEATH@HIGH.NOON.EDU
Subject:      I see the Fnord Chair of German has been vacated

Carelessness, death, baby, one "i" remained capitalized.

The pen-pal introduction and mutation service is FREE: tell
me (DEATH@high.noon.edu) what manner of Friend you would
prefer, and details will be provided.  I currently have a
charming LIBWCA on file, only slightly used, and a LIBALP,
sinister but incubative.  Plus, for this week only, there's
Frank Lloyd Wright.

Hoping this finds you, as it leaves me, thinking in new ways,
                   DEATH.
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Organization: Emory University - Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Thu, 28 Jan 1993 10:34:28 EST
From:         LIBWCA@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: I see the Fnord Chair of German has been vacated
              28 Jan 1993 09:05:41 EST from <DEATH@HIGH.NOON.EDU>

On Thu, 28 Jan 1993 09:05:41 EST <DEATH@HIGH.NOON.EDU> said:
>Carelessness, death, baby, one "i" remained capitalized.
>
>The pen-pal introduction and mutation service is FREE: tell
>me (DEATH@high.noon.edu) what manner of Friend you would
>prefer, and details will be provided.  I currently have a
>charming LIBWCA on file, only slightly used, and a LIBALP,
>sinister but incubative.  Plus, for this week only, there's
>Frank Lloyd Wright.
>
>Hoping this finds you, as it leaves me, thinking in new ways,
>                   DEATH.
>    I see the Fnord Chair of German has been vacated
>se
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X-Vmsmail-To: WINS%"FNORD-L@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu"
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 12:24:15 -0500
From:         Scott Lesser <LESSER@FAXON.COM>
Subject:      Exactly!

>Here again is another example of the humor (is it supposed to be humor?) that
>I don't understand. You think it's funny to break into somebody's house? I'm
>sorry, but that's the only interpretation I could make about your message.

Let's see here, where's my dictionary?  Big books...  No, that's the bible...
Ah,hah!  Here it is!  [flip, flip, flip]  Found the word!  It's "metaphor,"
right?
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Tue, 26 Jan 1993 11:56:47 CST
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         MW <GS0383@SPRINGB.BITNET>
Subject:      No Subject

By the way, why do you call it "New Ways of Thinking?" Why don't you just be
honest about it and call it "Sick Ways of Thinking?" There's nothing new about
it. The only thing I've seen in weeks worth reading is the thing about how do
you tell your boss a near death experience might be beneficial. Nothing else
has been even close to original or funny. You're like a bunch of mangy little
dogs biting each other electronically. What is the point?
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Organization: Emory University - Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 12:40:02 EST
From:         LIBWCA@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: No, don't get up, i'm just gonna grab

On Wed, 27 Jan 1993 10:54:32 CST MW said:
>To Robert Holder:
>
>Here again is another example of the humor (is it supposed to be humor?) that
>I don't understand. You think it's funny to break into somebody's house? I'm
>sorry, but that's the only interpretation I could make about your message. I
>guess even thugs and homebreakers have a right to speak, however, so I guess I
>should shut up about it. Still, I think if I were you I'd keep those thoughts
>entirely to myself.
>
>Melanie

I think it's funny.  I think it's funny when people break into MY house.
My favorite part is when they open the big stone door in the basement.
The look on that last guy's face... well, what was left of it.  Priceless,
just priceless...
Melanie, are you in any way connected with the Juniper Sage Token Ring
Society?

Cuthbert
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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 11:16:11 CST
From:         "rufus t. firefly" <U9AA@SDSUMUS.SDSTATE.EDU>
Subject:      No, don't get up, i'm just gonna grab

> To Robert Holder:
>
> Here again is another example of the humor (is it supposed to be humor?) that
> I don't understand. You think it's funny to break into somebody's house? I'm
> sorry, but that's the only interpretation I could make about your message. I
> guess even thugs and homebreakers have a right to speak, however, so I guess I
> should shut up about it. Still, I think if I were you I'd keep those thoughts
> entirely to myself.
>
> Melanie

   i guess you ain't gotten the message yet, li'l lady, so i'll spell
it out fer ya nice an' plain. we're criminals on this here list, all
of us, wanted for thoughtcrime and other scummy things. robbin' is
jes 'bout the least of it all. doncha know what a fnord is? ah guess
ah'll have ta drop on over ta yer place one of these first nights an'
show ya so's there's no ifs or ands. butts are fine, tho . . . heh.

rtf
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Subject: (no subject given)
Organization: Emory University - Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Tue, 26 Jan 1993 13:48:28 EST
From:         LIBWCA@EMUVM1.BITNET

On Tue, 26 Jan 1993 10:10:44 EST Perry White said:
>On Mon, 25 Jan 1993 22:19:53 -0600 Scotto said:
>>I GOT NO FUCKING TIME FOR "DAD PISSES ON KID" STORIES, OKAY?  I WANT *REAL*
>>NONSENSE, ACTUAL GIBBERISH IF YOU PLEASE, BUT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CUT IT OUT
>>WITH THE *CONTENT*, WOULDJA?
>
>"Kid Pisses on Dad"?  That's not news!  "Dad Pisses on Kid!"  Now that's news!
>I don't want to see you in this office again until you've got a REAL STORY
>for me, ya bum!  Now get out there and FIND ME SOME DIRT!

Lois, I think Perry was a little hard on you in there.  After all, it was
you who brought in the dirt on Councilman Flanders, after all; and your
story on the Botswanian Garbage Disposal Riots WAS nominated for a...
um, excuse me, Lois.  I have to go to the... um, broom closet.
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 12:29:38 EST
From:         CYNOVY@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: A true heart steps forward..

>Thinking" and sign up.  Members of both groups come to suspect that they
>have signed up for the wrong reason, and begin to wish they belonged to
>the other group.  Both are wrong.  How can I make blanket statements like
>that without regard for semantic hipness?  If someone cared maybe I wouldn't.
>We speak German, but not E-Prime.  Alas, alas.
>
Yeah, if someone cared than we wouldn't have to bear it all!  Yeah,
you tell 'em, LIBALP!  You festering viral infections, you!  You've
all gone and made me and LIBALP and a dog named Scrubbed Scalp all
bothered!

What was I saying?  Oh, yeah.  We can speak E-Prime, if you'd like,
Chuck; just remember, the last time you brought it up, there weren't
no replys to yer messege.  Maybe one, I don't remeber exactly.  You
could try again, or you could be elected king for a day.  Either way,
it would be best to enjoy, ass up head or no, some attempt to save
individuals like Melaney from themselves.  And from Cube.

>>Just sign me,
>>"The Butterfly Tends to Think of the Caterpillar As Snackfood"
>
>As does the Rabid Mutant Wart-Turkey from Planet X.
>
The good news is, I'm listening to Eugene Chadbourne and Robert Holder's
back from his trip to WEIRD-L.  Do you have slides, Robby?

>Reacting,
>gm
>
Parallel parking,
gm
From: LIBALP@EMUVM1.BITNET (General Mills)
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Subject: Re: No Subject
Date: 26 Jan 93 18:10:06 GMT
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU

On Tue, 26 Jan 1993 11:56:47 CST MW said:
>By the way, why do you call it "New Ways of Thinking?" Why don't you just be
>honest about it and call it "Sick Ways of Thinking?" There's nothing new about
>it. The only thing I've seen in weeks worth reading is the thing about how do
>you tell your boss a near death experience might be beneficial. Nothing else

Thank you.

>has been even close to original or funny. You're like a bunch of mangy little
>dogs biting each other electronically. What is the point?

You're right; I should have been a pair of ragged claws.
Hah, no, but seriously: Clearly our inept f(l)oundering around is a mere cry
for help.  Ask not what FNORD can do for you.  Come on, girl, do your trick.

Also, note that LIBJRM is known to many of us as "Surly LIBJRM".

Okay, how about this:
Hello, I'm Arthur Parker, President of the Stop the Children from Singing
Foundation.  For the price of a cup of coffee, you could shup this kid up.
People, we've got to do something.  All around the world, etc.

gm
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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Tue, 26 Jan 1993 16:37:00 -06
From:         Dana Rollins <ROLLIDE@AUDUCADM.DUC.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject:      PIG AND THE INEBRIATE

Re:sniper
Well, here, Whistledick.  Take this song and learn it.  And don't come
back until you're ready to share it with the whole class.
And don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out:


THE FNORD ANTHEM:
PIG AND THE INEBRIATE

One evening last October, when I was far from sober
And dragging home a load with manly pride
My feet began to stutter and I fell down in the gutter
And a pig came up and parked right by my side

Then I mumbled, "It's fair weather when good comrades get together"
Till a lady passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man that boozes by the playmates that he chooses"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away

I began to scratch the gravel, on my all fours I did travel
I rambled down the road the best I could
When I awoke next morning, just as the day was dawning
I was in a hog pen away out in the woods
Then the hogs began to grumble, I started and I stumbled
I fell right in their midst and there I lay
Then one by one they started, till all the herd departed
Yes, every hog got up and walked away

Now lately I've been thinking that I will quit my drinking
I'm going to leave off whiskey, wine and grog
For there's no consolation, but only aggravation
You can't even find friendship with a hog
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Organization: Emory University - Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 11:28:57 EST
From:         LIBWCA@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: Play Ball!

On Wed, 27 Jan 1993 09:50:36 EST <CYNOVY@EMUVM1> said:
>For those who have their doubts, I most certainly won't divulge the
>names or the contents of any messages I receive.  I also won't seek
>divine wisdom by spelling your names backwards, or rot13ing them.
>Instead I'l choose to uuencode them.
>
>Hey!  Who took my goddamn gif reader?
>
The downside of this is that Cynovy, who is mythical, cannot recieve
messages in the first place.  The upside is, if by chance he does
recieve your messages, he can only reveal them to other mythical
characters, such as Zeus, Richard Nixon, and myself.  The downside
of the upside, of course, is that Nixon and I will have your knees
broken if you say anything we don't like.  Zeus, it may be safely
assumed, will just sit there and take it.  He's not the man he used
to be.

Cuthbert
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Thu, 28 Jan 1993 12:09:03 EST
From:         CYNOVY@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: Just say NO2

>On Thu, 28 Jan 1993 11:07:20 -0500 <odailey@N2O.MAYO.EDU> said:
>>The last straw, for me, was the irresponsible and scurrilious
>>casual reference to the anesthetic gas, nitrous oxide, commonly
>>referred to in the popular parlance as "laughing gas".
>
>Language is our friend, and here's why:
>This is an opportunity to ask ourselves a minor semantic question.  A minor
>question, yes, but the answer will be instructional.  Here's the question:
>
>Is it possible nowadays, to use the words "irresponsible and scurrilious (sic)
>unironically?
>
>Once we know that, we know some other things as well.
>
>gm

I know, I know, I know!!! Call on me!  I know!

Yes, Sir!  The answer to the question Sir is yes it is possible to
use those words unironically if the user either does not use them
bound together and breaks the phrase into its component parts or
does not know what they mean, Sir!

Also if the user doesn't know anything having to do with Harry Crews,
which means lib*** is disqualified from speaking on the subject.

Should've asked if it's possible to use the words "irresponsible and
scurrilious casual" unironically,
H-M
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Organization: Emory University - Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 11:27:46 EST
From:         LIBWCA@EMUVM1.BITNET
Subject:      Re: Play Ball!

On Wed, 27 Jan 1993 09:50:36 EST <CYNOVY@EMUVM1> said:
>For  those  who  have  their  doubts, I  most  certainly  won't  divulge  the
>names  or  the  contents  of  any  messages I  receive.  I  also  won't  seek
>divine  wisdom   by  spelling  your   names  backwards,  or   rot13ing  them.
>Instead I'l choose to uuencode them.
>
>Hey!  Who took my goddamn gif reader?
>
>LIBALP
>    Play Ball!
>X-
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Tue, 26 Jan 1993 11:49:10 CST
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         MW <GS0383@SPRINGB.BITNET>
Subject:      No Subject

Don't you people have anything better to do?  You're not even funny.

Ok, come on, cuss me out, whatever, you don't scare me.
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Wed, 27 Jan 1993 13:12:00 -06
From:         Dana Rollins <ROLLIDE@AUDUCADM.DUC.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject:      Reply to Don't NOBODY MOVE, t

>
if you were me, we'd all have more problems.  i think that's safe to
say, don't you?  i'm a VILLIAN!  i'm a NEGATIVE CREEP!

<doncha wanna be unnerstood?  doncha wanna DO RIGHT?>

nah.

hey, i think if i were you, i'd forget AAAALL about trying to
straighten up these here folks... they's got them junior high
school liberry 'signments ta gits done, and sides, yuh don't got
too much opportun'ty fer ta git yer MIND RIGHT whens ya spend all
yer time readin' pap on yer junior high school terminal junior
high school love potion social improvement lube slam

yuk yuk yuk

<now SEE?  is that supposed to be funny?  i think if i had thoughts>
<like that, i'd just keep it to myself>

well, you just go ahead and do that.

see, this is the big problem i had before i exploded in a big
melodramatic huff when i was last here.  what do they mean by that?
what is it all about?  who do they think they are?  why do they keep
making fun of me?

just let go and let god melanie.

yer pal,
rdh

*** Comments from UH OH, SPAGHETTI-Os;  01/27/93 01:01pm:
Whoooooooooooooooooo, Whiplash!
Let go and let God?
Holy Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, that was really Gefuhlloser, don't you
think?  I mean, the poor Gezierter Kafer might wind up thinking
we're all a bunch of Dickfelliges Nilpferds, if she doesn't already...

Wenn Sie wieder etwas nuchtern sind, bringen Sie mir etwas zu trinken.

Like In The Old Days,
Merciful

Your Friend,
Not Like The Others
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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.fnord-l
Date:         Thu, 28 Jan 1993 11:58:15 EST
From:         General Mills <LIBALP@EMUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: POSTMASTER

On Thu, 28 Jan 1993 11:52:30 EST <LIBWCA@EMUVM1> said:
>On Thu, 28 Jan 1993 10:37:11 CST <mwitten@HERMES.CHPC.UTEXAS.EDU> said:
>>GET ME OF THIS FUCKING LIST ALREADY!
>>ISN"T THERE A DAMN POSTMASTER WHO READS
>>THIS OR A LISTSERVER THAT FUNCTIONS?
>>    POSTMASTER
>
>Oh, didn't they tell you?  You're in hell.
>Now shut up and pick a card.
>Cuthbert

Yeah, pal, we're getting tired of this little Twilight Zone thing.
Respectfully submit something else for our approval.

gm
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