HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: andy@SAIL.Stanford.EDU (Andy Freeman)
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Followup-To: talk.politics.guns
Keywords: joke, very funny, haha, etc.
Organization: Computer Science Department,  Stanford University.
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 02:06:12 GMT

In article <14106@auspex-gw.auspex.com> johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira) writes:
>Hmmm. Did they have rocket launchers and semi-automatic rifles when the
>second amendment was passed?  Just wondering?

They had rocket launchers and they had "shoot lots of times with out
any user action" guns long before the American Revolution.  Semi-auto
is a relatively modern idea, say 1870 or so.  (Repeaters, even those
that work by pulling the trigger repeatedly, predate semi-autos.)

-andy
--
UUCP:    {arpa gateways, sun, decwrl, uunet, rutgers}!cs.stanford.edu!andy
ARPA:    andy@cs.stanford.edu
From: gerald@phx.mcd.mot.com (Gerald Sprague)
Subject: Interesting quote
Organization: Motorola Computer Group, Tempe, Az.
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1992 13:57:11 GMT

Interesting quote from the 3 August 92 issue of _Open_Systems_Today_, Page 57.

     "In this industry, we announce a product, then we show it, we sell it,
     we deliver it, try to support it, then we try to make it work."

     Then he quickly added:  "That is not how _our_ company operates, of
     course."

                                        Erwin Morton
                                        founder of Syntactics
                                        to Mike Azzara

(But I am not sure if this is funny or not ???)
-- 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gerald Sprague, Jr.  (misfit!gerald)    |   Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
MCG - CIM Staff      (gerald@phx.mcd.mot.com)
From: david@c-cat.UUCP (dave)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Advocacy
Date: 13 Aug 92 16:47:37 GMT
Organization: Intergalactic Rest Area For Weary Travellers


I am all for Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" effort.

If anyone asks you if you do drugs.

then follow what Nancy says and just say "NO".


                                                       -David

China Cat System     
(301)604-5976 8N1
david@sandr.com
From: kenneth@ducvax.auburn.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons revisited...
Date: 22 Aug 92 23:45:10 GMT

In article <1992Aug21.182418.8856@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>, mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel) writes:
> In article <37080@sdcc12.ucsd.edu> jhussain@cs.ucsd.edu (Jabir Hussain) writes:
>>
>>|> >>Taxi Cab Drivers
>>|> >>Prison Reform
>>|> >>Government Subsidies
>>|> >>Foriegn Imports
>>|> >>Strip Mining
>>|> >>System Manager
>>|> >rec.humor.funny
>>
>>Moderate Democrats
> 
> Liberal Democrat
> Christian Ethics

Reagan Memoirs
From: kurt@prism.gatech.EDU (Erick Kurt Stirewalt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Lyrics for Avocado Song.
Keywords: grease-man avocado lyrics dc
Date: 13 Aug 92 16:58:21 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology


I'm looking for the lyrics to a song I heard on the Grease-Man in the Morning
show in Washington DC. The name of the song is "They're avocado size", and I
nearly ran off the road when I first heard it. He's referring to his testicles
and going on about how big they are etc. I've got one verse from it below
from memory, but would like to have the whole song.

If anyone out there knows the song in its entirity would you please email
it to me? (Even if you post it, as I don't get around to this group very
often) Thanks in advance.

				-- kurt stirewalt
				kurt@cc.gatech.edu
				kswalt@milner.mitre.org


    First some definitions. Grease-man calls a blowjob a snarlin' (I'd
never heard it called this before, but it adds to the song). I was only
able to remember the last verse, but here it is:

     "...I hold 'em while my darlin
      administers a snarlin
      cause they'd blacken both her eyes...

      if those puppies started swayin
      doctor bills I'd soon be payin
      cause they're avocado size!!!"

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rob@occs.cs.oberlin.edu (Rob Chauncey)
Subject: BASTARD STUDENT CONSULTANT FROM HELL #1
Organization: Oberlin College Computer Science
Distribution: rec.humor
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 20:20:06 GMT
X-Posted-From: occs.cs.oberlin.edu
X-Posted-Through: sol.ctr.columbia.edu

No, just kidding, really.

--
+---------------------------------------+
|Rob Chauncey - - - - - - - - - - - - - |
|rob@occs.cs.oberlin.edu- - - - - - - - |
+---------------------------------------+
From: lwsand03@uctvax.uct.ac.za
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Polack joke ?
Date: 13 Aug 92 17:26:34 +0200
Organization: University of Cape Town

Overheard at the Barcelona Olympics...


 Q- Are you a pole-vaulter?
 
            A- No I'm a German, but how did you know my first name?
From: akn8257@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Subject: Moral of the story is...
Reply-To: akn8257@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 20:29:12 GMT

Once there was a cat and cock and they were good friends. One day they went to
a pond for fishing. First the cat jumped in and it couldn't find any fish. Then
the cock dived in and came out with a fish.

The moral of the story is:

" Behind Every Successful Cock There Is A Wet Pussy."
From: kml@cellar.org (Lazlo Hoover Toth)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 13 Aug 92 13:04:00 GMT
Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system

saal@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (samuel.saal) writes:

> In article <1992Aug10.154759.370@awdprime.austin.ibm.com>
> ibmpa!cdc017.austin.ibm.com!lkoh@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com writes:
> 
> >We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
> >in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
> >Can you help me?  
> 

My favorite node name was Shredder.  It was a printer, but nobody but me
would send anything to it, obviously having never asked themselves why
someone would put a shredder on the net.


This message may not be rebroadcast without the express written consent of 
the Baltimore Orioles and Major League Baseball.  Send $2 for transcripts to
  kml%cellar@tredysvr.tredydev.unisys.com  - My other account is a Mercedes.
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1992 14:09:32 GMT
Subject: Re: Famous Last Words
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Consider famous last words from B movies:

 "There won't be any combat action on this mission -- this'll be a picnic."

 "General, think of what you're doing -- we need to try to communicate with
  the creature."

 "Security man Johnson to the transporter room for landing party."

   Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest
--
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                               DISCLAIMER                                   |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|   Who cares what I think?  I don't take MYSELF seriously, why should you?  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Greg Goebel                             NET:     gvg@hpislx                |
| Hewlett-Packard                         HP DESK: gvg(hpislx) / HP0900 / UX |
| MSO Marketing                           PHONE:   Telnet/303 679-3424       |
| POB 301 / MS-CU312 / Loveland CO 80539  FAX:     Telnet/303 679-5957       |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: crgoc@bard.uk.cray.com (Gary O'Connor)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: The Tent Joke
Date: 20 Aug 92 06:04:37 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: Cray Research (UK) Ltd

It's willy shakes his spear and henry IV ( I think)

 "now is the winter of our discontent"
-- 

 Gary O'Connor (crgoc@uk  extn:2245)

	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        held to discuss it.
From: csp48@seq1.keele.ac.uk (J.W. Kirriemuir)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: The boy stood on the burning deck...
Date: 14 Aug 92 19:53:58 GMT
Organization: University of Keele, England

In article <1992Aug14.144404.17584@dickens.com>, jd@dickens.com (Joe Dudar) writes:
> >	The boy stood on the burning deck,
> >	His pocket full of crackers.
> >	One fell down his trouser leg,
> >	And blew of both his sandshoes.
> 
> Mind explaining to a Yank what's s'posed to rhyme with crackers?

Replace cr with kn...





--
no .sig required - Phil Collins
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: flanders@molbio.cbs.umn.edu (Dean Flanders)
Subject: limerick
Organization: U of MN Herbarium
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 16:41:51 GMT


A labjock with acute constipation
found relief through centrifugation
at one thousand times mass
his tool flew out his ass
and he found both relief and elation.

A nervous old codger named Royce               
couldn't control his sphincter by choice
so he speedily strode
to his favorite commode
blew his nose, blew his ass and rejoiced.
From: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Hotel Joke
Date: 18 Aug 92 17:55:27 GMT
Reply-To: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Organization: Schlumberger/Anadrill Sugar Land, TX

The Hotel Astor hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all trains
at the Pennsylvania Station and to announce in a loud voice "Free bus to the
Hotel Astor!" Enroute to the station he kept repeating to himself "Free bus to
the Hotel Astor, free bus to the Hotel Astor".  Upon arrival of the first
train he became confused and suddenly started yelling---- Free ass at the
Hotel Buster---- I mean Free Hotel at the bust your astor---- I mean bust your
ass at the Hotel Freezer,---- I mean freeze your ass at the Hotel Bastard,----
Free Hotel ass buster, ----I mean bust your ass you bastards and take a street
car, I quit!!!
From: sybok@athena.mit.edu (The Rifleman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: balls
Date: 21 Aug 92 01:04:48 GMT
Article-I.D.: athena.1992Aug21.010448.25137
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology

In article <BtB2CK.DD5@usenet.ucs.indiana.edu> BACS Data Communications Group <commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> writes:
>Q:  What has fuzzy green balls and eats pussy?
>A:  Billie Jean King.

Wow!  I didn't know she was a lesbian!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec)
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Originator: anton@gagme
Keywords: degenerate, slimeball, grandparents, sex, duct tape 
Organization: Gagme Public Access UNIX, Chicago, Illinois.
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 08:42:48 GMT

In article <1992Aug18.095322.2505@mdcbbs.com> hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III) writes:
>In article <1992Aug16.071713.22894@gagme.chi.il.us>, anton@gagme.chi.il.us (Andrzej Borowiec) writes:
>|> 
>|> In article <1992Aug10.151300.2492@mdcbbs.com> hamling@mdcbbs.com (Griff Hamlin III) writes:
>|> >
>|> 
>|> Polish jokes deleted
>|> 
>|> 
>|> >Griff Hamlin III
>|> >(hamling@mdcbbs.com)
>|> 
>|> Say Griff, I didn't know lowlifes like you had dynasties.
>|> Or does "III" mean having sex with ones grandmother or grandfather?
>|> 
>|> Andrzej A. Borowiec
>|> 
>|> p.s. I'm really getting tired of you buttheads not x-posting
>|> Polish jokes to soc.culture.polish
>
>This is really pathetic. Are you really such a tight-ass that you can't realize
>I was only posting in response to a request for Polish jokes? If you get 
>offended by such jokes, why did you read the damn post you moron?! Even I
>know to read the Subject: heading before reading the article.
>
>
>

Whoa! Griffy, no offense pal, but I was only joking. You don't suppose
I really meant what I said, do you?
The Subject heading *was* the reason I read your posting.
You don't really think offending people behind their backs is OK...(?)
From: johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: address
Date: 18 Aug 92 00:03:20 GMT
Organization: Auspex Systems, Inc.

In article <1992Aug11.231228.29494@doug.cae.wisc.edu> beng@cae.wisc.edu (Beng Ting) writes:
|In article <1992Aug6.075339.15164@nuscc.nus.sg> sci10019@nusunix2.nus.sg (YU HONG WEY) writes:
|> Why do those people who want to be on the jokes mailing list state
|> their address when it is clearly visible on top of the page? Anyway,
|> please put me on the jokes mailing list as well. Thanks in advance.
|>
|> #####################################################################
|> #                                                                   #
|> #  V I N C E   Y U    The purpose of life is to avoid being a clown.#
|> #                                                                   #
|> #####################################################################
|>
|
|	Why not? You got a problem? C'on, gimme a bread!!

Sorry no bread, but here's a toast.

>
>     
>Happy! Happy!
>Beng-Tak Ting
>beng@cae.wisc.edu


-- 
+============================================================================++
| John Fereira            "Is that all you ever think about?"                |
| johnf@auspex.com                                                           |
+============================================================================++
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre
From: hmiller@lucpul.it.luc.edu (Hugh Miller)
Subject: Re: Bush Campaign TV Ad
Organization: Loyola University Chicago
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1992 22:16:27 GMT

In <bosullvn.713980111@unix1.tcd.ie> bosullvn@unix1.tcd.ie (Bryan O'Sullivan) writes:

>Governor William Clinton: will roger in van or clit, mon.

    My favorite is:

    VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE = CRADLED QUITE A PENIS ENVY.

    (If this has hit the net before, pardon -- I've been in Wisconsin,
another planet, for a few weeks.)

    -=- H.
-- 
Hugh Miller         | Dept. of Philosophy | Loyola University of Chicago
Voice: 312-508-2727 |  FAX: 312-508-2292  |    hmiller@lucpul.it.luc.edu
"Read broadly, think scientifically, speak briefly, and sell the goods!"
            -- Sinclair Lewis, _The Man Who Knew Coolidge_
From: bjr@cellar.org (The Keymaster)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: The Shit List
Date: 19 Aug 92 21:43:45 GMT
Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system


                              THE SHIT LIST
 
 
GHOST SHIT     That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on
the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
 
CLEAN SHIT     The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but 
there
is nothing on the toilet paper.
 
WET SHIT       The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your 
under-
wear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.
 
SECOND WAVE    It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants
SHIT           up to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
 
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have
a stroke.
 
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT     The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 
lbs.
 
CORN SHIT      Self explanatory.
 
LINCOLN LOG SHIT    The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet 
brush.
 
DRINKER'S SHIT      That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after
a long night of drinking.  It's most noticable trait is the tread marks left
on the bottom of the toilet.
 
"GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT    It's the kind where you want to shit, but
all youdo is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.
 
SPINAL TAP SHIT     That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that 
you
could swear it was leaving you sideways.
 
WET CHEEKS SHIT or the POWER DUMP  That's the kind that comes out of your ass
so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
 
LIQUID SHIT    That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of 
your
butt, splatters all over the inside of your toilet bowl, the whole time
chronically burning your tender anus.
 
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT   A class all of it's own!
 
CLINTON SHIT   The kind where you strain and strain and never inhale.


Just for your enjoyment.

Peace

KM

WOMAN.ZIP -- Great program, but where is the documentation?
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish
From: miket@unislc.uucp (Michael Thompson)
Subject: Re: Polack joke
Reply-To: miket@unislc.UUCP (Michael Thompson,B2C04,4560)
Organization: Unisys, Salt Lake City
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 16:40:53 GMT

In article <1992Aug20.220742.5917@lmpsbbs.comm.mot.com> marios@ecs.comm.mot.com (mario smarduch) writes:
>In article <1992Aug18.183738.17605@tin.monsanto.com> bcschu@skws02.monsanto.com (Brett Schultz) writes:
>>It was just a joke.  I really don't think that Polish have any less brain power

>Brett, your statements are very offensive to me - wheather you think
>this is a joke or not you are just simply spreading hatred and
>insults. As a community of intellectual's this cannot be tolerated
                                       ^^^
        Excuse me for being picky, but why would a person claiming
        to be an intellectual misuse an apostrophe like this?  A
        minor but interesting point.


      
Mike Thompson                 |    It's true, forgiveness IS easier
Unisys UNIX Systems Group     |    to get than permission. ;-) 
unislc!miket                  |              -----------
miket@unislc.slc.unisys.com   |    My employer is profoundly grateful
                              |    that I speak only for myself.
                                         

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: usenet@inesc.pt (USENET News System)
Subject: Re: FORUM Mailing List
Reply-To: jota@iguana.UUCP (Joao Pedro Martins)
Organization: INESC - Inst. Eng. Sistemas e Computadores, LISBOA, PORTUGAL.
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 17:57:17 GMT

In article <1992Aug20.140027.3165@usenet.ins.cwru.edu> cd644@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Larry J. Cruz) writes:
>
>In a previous article, kml@cellar.org (Lazlo Hoover Toth) says:
>
>>thomps@ndddt.uiuc.edu writes:
>>>356trb@uva.ea.tme.edu writes:
>>>> large collection of letters and stories from P'house
>>>> forum.  Weekly compilations will be mailed, group by topic and

Count me in.
*----------------------------------------------------------*
| Joao Pedro Martins, Lisboa, Portugal                     |
|                                                          |	
| "It's not the kill... It's the THRILL of the chase..."   |
| "F*** !" - Jean Claude Van Damme, "Cyborg"               |
*----------------------------------------------------------*
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: clyde@brahms.udel.edu (Clarence W Robinson)
Subject: Re: You're Sooo Ugly Jokes
Organization: University of Delaware
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 17:05:52 GMT


My favorite one is from "Sanford and Son":  Fred to Aunt Ester (sp?)
You so ugly I could stick yo face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.

classic
From: lc1r+@andrew.cmu.edu (Lori Cole)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons revisited
Date: 15 Aug 92 16:32:54 GMT
	<mblum.713807606@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Organization: Doctoral student, History, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA

Cf. Matt Blum's Posting re
    >Justice Rehnquit (Works OK with Justice Thomas, too.)

My all-time favorite, though, may be "The Honorable Justice Thomas"(!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: avik@icase.edu (Avik Banerjee)
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Organization: ICASE/NASA Langley
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1992 14:34:32 GMT

In article <1992Aug10.154759.370@awdprime.austin.ibm.com>, lisa writes:
>
>We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
>in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
>Can you help me?  
>
>I've come up with itchy, scratchy, krusty (all from 
>the Simpsons in case u were wondering), elvis, 
>thefarside, oohbaby, whoababy, woobaby (stolen from 
>the net), ohbaby, themall, thelake, thebeach, and 
>thegap, but none of these is all that great, or 
>appropriate for work....please please help me, it 
>just needs to be somewhat clean, you know, suitable 
>for the workplace.
>

toaster, blender, canopener, eggbeater, macintosh

            ___ __    _ ______  __
           /   || |  / /| || | / /
          / /| || | / / | || |/ /
         / / | || |/ /  | || |\ \
        /_/  |_||___/   |_||_| \_\
  		@icase.edu
-----------------------------------------------
|"Only the insane have strength to prosper.   |
| Only those that prosper judge what is sane."|
-----------------------------------------------
Xref: sparky rec.humor:26755 alt.politics.clinton:2542 talk.politics.guns:19832
From: glambert@pyramid.com (George Lambert)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.guns
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Keywords: joke, very funny, haha, etc.
Date: 21 Aug 92 19:27:50 GMT
Organization: Pyramid Technology

In article <1992Aug20.210403.15888@mtu.edu> cescript@mtu.edu (Charles Scripter) writes:
>In article <183135@pyramid.pyramid.com>, glambert@pyramid.com (George Lambert)
>writes:
>
>> Find another excuse for the RKBA (which I support, though I don't want any of
>> the damn things).  
>
>OK, let's be rigorous about this.  I don't need an excuse, since it's
>a Constitutionally guaranteed _Right_.  I don't need to make arguments
>in support of *Rights*.
>
Agreed.  That's the best argument.

George Lambert
From: yaron@anchor.as.utexas.edu (Mr. Sheffer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Agnostics and Athiests
Date: 13 Aug 92 04:50:35 GMT
Organization: McDonald Observatory, University of Texas @ Austin

In article <1992Aug10.034311.16533@dickens.com> lpc@dickens.com (Luis P Caamano) writes:
>Anyway, I believe in God without no doubt.  Just go and take a
>biochemistry course and when done tell me that all the beauty of the
>human body mechanism is a random product of evolution.  Yeah, sure!
                           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Uh uh. While it is true that random mutations enter the picture, the final
product must be a survivable arrangement, preferably a superior product
to the original configuration. So, all the complex functions and structures
of the body evolved by survival and improvement, not random shots. Truly
random (and unbeneficial) changes will not get incorporated into future
generations due to demise of the mutated specimen.
 
>However, I don't believe in religion/church.
>So, I'm neither agnostic nor athiest, what should I call myself?

A theist, perhaps?