From: mbfarah@isluga.puc.cl (MIGUEL BRAXTON FARAH)
Subject: HOLY GRIAL 04/05
Organization: Pontificia Universidad Catolica de Chile
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1992 12:33:31 GMT


--------------begin of part 4------------8<-----------8<--------

                               ARTHUR
       No.  Ni!  More like this. "Ni"!

                               BEDEVERE
       Ni, ni, ni!

                               ARTHUR
|      It's not working.
       You're not doing it properly.  Ni!

                               BEDEVERE
       Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       That's it.  Ni!  Ni!

   A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.

                               ROGER
       Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?

                               ARTHUR
       Erm, yes.

                               ROGER
       Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni"
       at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land!
       nothing is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design
       shrubberies are under considerable economic stress
       at this point in time.

                               ARTHUR
       Did you say shrubberies?

                               ROGER
       Yes.  Shrubberies are my trade.  I am a shrubber.  My name
       is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

                               BEDEVERE
           (rather aggressively, to ROGER)
       Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       No.  No.  No!
26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK

   CUT TO the glade in the forest again.

                               ARTHUR
        Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery.  May we go now?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       That is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly -
       But there is one small problem.

                               ARTHUR
       What is that?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Sh!

                               ONE KNIGHT
           (wispers)
       Sorry.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Peng!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Sh!  Sh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
       previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               ANOTHER
       Peng!

                               ANOTHER
       Sh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Shut up!
           (to ARTHUR)
       Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
       say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               OTHERS
         (terrific chorus)
       Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               ARTHUR
       What is this test, Knights of N...
           (can't say it)
       ... Recently Knights of Ni!

                               KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Firstly.  You must get us another shrubbery!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
           (half seen)
       More shrubberies!  More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       Not another shrubbery -

                               TALL KNIGHT
       When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
       beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a
       two-level effect with a path through the middle.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       A path!  A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

   Chorus of "Ni!  Ni!"

                               TALL KNIGHT
       When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut
       down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Yes!  With a herring!  With a herring!  Cut down with a herring!

                               ARTHUR
       We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Oh, please!

                               ARTHUR
       Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
           (they all recoil in horror)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Don't say that word.

                               ARTHUR
       What word?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       I cannot tell you.  Suffice to say is one of the words
       the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

                               ARTHUR
       How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (cringing in fear)
       You said it again!

                               ARTHUR
       What, "is"?

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (dismissively)
       No, no ... not "is"!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Not "is"!  Not "is"!

   Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

                               SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
       Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
       To have his eyeballs skewered ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (irritated)
       "Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege, it's Sir Robin!

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (covering his ears)
       You've said the word again!

   SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing.  The SINGERS are going
   on cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually
   embarrassed at their presence.

                               SINGERS
       ... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...

   ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

                               ARTHUR
       Sir Robin!

   He shakes his hand warmly.

                               ROBIN
    My liege!  It's good to have found you again ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
    Now he's said the word!

                               ARTHUR
    Where are you going good Sir Robin?

                               ROBIN'S SINGERS
           (starting up again)
       He was going home ... he was giving up,
       He was throwing in the sponge.

                               ROBIN
           (to SINGERS)
       Shut up!  No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
       wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ...
       er thing ... in this forest.

                               ARTHUR
       No ... it lies beyond this forest.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Stop saying the word!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Stop saying the word!  The word we cannot hear!  The word ...

                               ARTHUR
           (losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")
       Oh, stop it!

   Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground
   covering their ears.  The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control
   his MEN.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       They're all saying the word ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Stop saying it.  AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       You've said it!  Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it.

   ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through
   the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.


27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY

   We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown
   into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade

|   CUT BACK to the forest.  The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering.  they
|   get up.
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ...  NI!
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      Ssh! I think somebody's coming.  We'll get them to give us
|      another shrubbery.
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      Good Idea.  More shrubberies.  As many as possible.
|
|   Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      What shall we call ourselves this time?
|
|                              KNIGHT
|      How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?
|
|
|28 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at the
|   apparent direction of someone behind the camera.  A Few coughs
|   as they shuffle together.  a moment of silence.  then they burst
|   into pleasant (melliflubus) song.
|
|   Song:   When the trees do blossom full
|           and all the hills are green
|           Oh! Oh! We sing
|           hey! hey! We sing
|           our count....ry Song...
|
|   A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up.  sound of raucous
|   laughter OFF CAMERA.
|
|   CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from
|   the group of SINGERS.
|
|   Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD.  He is roaring with
|   roaring with laughter.  and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the
|   marks of a faded richness.  it is a court without women, and nobody
|   does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however
|   on the line over the castle.  KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around
|   him.   Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN
|   himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people
|   at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly
|   the result of some violent edict a few years back)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA!
|      Oh! Very good! Next!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|          (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously
|           giving him some pain)
|      There are no more, Sir.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (grabbing him by the collar)
|      What do'you mean you filthy dog!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      No more close harmony groups!!!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      We have scoured the kingdom.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his
|           arm again slightly)
|      You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!
|      Guards!
|
|   Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also
|   have their left arms missing)
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      have mercy your MAJESTY!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|   GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest
|   tree in the kingdom!
|
|   The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off.  he whines piteously.
|
|
|29 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were.  A police car
|   roars up.  Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look
|   around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN
|   finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument that
|   was hanging from BEDEVERE.
|
|   They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.
|
|
|30 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off.  there
|   are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. The FIRST ADVISER
|   is being hauled up it on pulleys.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing
|      sweet.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!
|          (KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head.  he falls.)
|      There's no fun in killing soloists!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (picking himself up)
|      He may have a friend...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      GUARDS!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Oh Please your majesty!  Please!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!
|
|   The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      No!
|          (he is dragged off screaming and protesting)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (roaring at the rest of the court)
|      I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that
|      there are no more close harmony ...
|
|   At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped
|   to listen.  The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous
|   sounds.
|
|      We're the knights of the round table
|      our shows are formidable
|      but many times we're given rhymes
|      that are quite unsingable...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!
|
|   Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.
|
|                              CREEP
|      Thank goodness.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Shut up!
|          (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the
|           SECOND ADVISER)
|      Oy you!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)
|      Yes, Your majesty?
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Go and get 'em!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (gratefully)
|       Thank you sir!
|          (He staggers off with some difficulty)
|
|                              GUARD
|      'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.
|
|   CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT.  (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)
|   plus all their pages.  there are riding along singing cheerily.
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      We're baby mad and Camelot
|      we nurse and push the pram a lot
|      in war we're tough and able
|      quite indefatigable
|      between our quests we sequin vests
|      and dress like betty gable
|      it's a...
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      HALT!
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table
|      in mid-verse?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      King Brian the wild?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Are those YOUR kidneys?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (covering his stomach)
|      No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.
|          (The KNIGHTS look at each other)
|      he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court,
|      that he may listen at his ease ooh!
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      You must be joking!
|          (general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)
|      Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      No fear etc.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (in increasing pain)
|      It need not be close harmony oooh agh!
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than
|      he used to be.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of
|      straight choral work?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      Ah! There you are!
|
|                              SIR LAUNCELOT
|      We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      No we must be on our way.
|
|   They start off.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to
|           sound threatening)
|      If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh
|      ... iron spikes though your heads.
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (looking helplessly at his intestines)
|      He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Like with close harmony groups.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      We're not SCARED!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (With his last ounce of strength)
|      Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close
|      harmony!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      A challenge?
|
|   The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow
|   suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS
|   look at him rather fearfully.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (majestacally)
|      It is a challenge.  We cannot refuse.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      King Brian's a fucking looney.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Great!
|          (dies)
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Are you all right?
|
|   CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias.  he sees the KNIGHTS enter
|   the arena.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Ah good!
|
|   CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed
|   notes.  meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.
|
|   KING BRIAN settling down.
|
|   KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close harmony
|   group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver
|   from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)
|
|   SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having
|   his gag removed.
|
|   SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still
|   rather nervous.
|
|   The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (who can't wait)
|      RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (wispering)
|      All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.
|
|   They all nod.
|
|      One... Two... Three...
|
|   Sound of Bows being drown very near by.
|
|   ARTHUR looks up and frowns.
|
|   CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg
|   missing, but they DO have two arms.
|
|   Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Hold it! Err ... King Brian!
|
|                              HERALD
|          (Louder than ever)
|      ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|           (trueulently)
|      What?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      What are THEY For?
|          (Indicates the archers)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO
|      HAVE AN AUDIENCE!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We'd rather give a private recital.
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST
|      KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (to himself)
|      Turds...
|
|   HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.
|
|                              ONE-LEGGED RSM
|      Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left
|      Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.
|
|   They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight
|   (Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Right! Ready when you are.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN IS READY!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...
|
|   They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points,
|   peep over the top of the fence.
|
|      HOLD IT!
|
|                              SIR GAWAIN
|          (singing)
|      We're
|
|   Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but
|   fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.
|
|   Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the
|   highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      What is it now?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (impatiently)
|      Oh Sod the acoustics!  Get on with the singing!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.
|          (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,
|      FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (getting very angry and dribbling slightly)
|      NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ...
|      thing ...
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN
|      INCIDENT.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Don't editorialize!
|
|                              HERALD
|      SORRY, KING.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!
|
|   KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without
|   any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY!
|      WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      I said don't.
|
|                              HERALD
|      Sorry, King.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Right! On the count of three ... one ...
|
|                              HERALD
|      THE KING'S SAID ONE!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Two!
|
|                              HERALD
|      THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!
|
|   We hear the sound of bows being drawn back.  Tension mounts. The KNIGHTS
|   all look pretty grim.  The end is clearly pretty near.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)
|      Three!
|
|                              HERALD
|      THREE!
|
|   Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing
|
|      "Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."
|
|   CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner
|   of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking
|   rather embarrassed.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (turning to the sound)
|      FANTASTIC!
|
|   CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS
|
|      "To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"
|
|   They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
|      Oh bloody marvellous!
|
|   ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised
|   but relieved.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sir Robin! this way!
|
|   ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and
|   make good their escape.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Shut up!
|
|   HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.
|
|                              HERALD'S HEAD
|          (as it rolls away)
|      PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!
|

28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

   Shots of ARTHUR etc.  Riding out of the forest.  They leave the forest and
   they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD.

                               VOICE OVER
       And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
       find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four.
       Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
       rejoicing.


29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

                               VOICE OVER
       In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
       minstrels ...  And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ...

   MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS.

       Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring
       changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
       went straight on into Summer ...  Until one day ...


30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY

   The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge.  The country is wild and
   inhospitable.  Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride
   towards it.  As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding
   around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and
   branches to burst into flame.

                               ARTHUR
       What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint
       or tinder?

                               TIM
       I am an enchanter.

   ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.

                               ARTHUR
       By what name are you known?

                               TIM
       There are some who call me Tim?

                               ARTHUR
       Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

                               TIM
       Greetings King Arthur.

                               ARTHUR
       You know my name?

                               TIM
       I do.
           (does another fire trick)
       You seek the Holy Grail.

                               ARTHUR
       That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden O Tim.

                               TIM
           (does another fire trick)
       Quite.

   Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes we seek the Holy Grail.
           (clears throat very quietly)
       Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

                               ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS
       Yes it is.

                               ARTHUR
       And so we're looking for it.

                               KNIGHTS
       Yes, we are.

                               BEDEVERE
       We have been for some time.

                               KNIGHTS
       Yes.

                               ROBIN
       Months.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful.

                               GALAHAD
       Do you know where it ...

   TIM does another fire trick.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Sssssh!

                               ARTHUR
       Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ...
       I don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you
       haven't by any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might
       find ... a ... aaa ...

                               TIM
       What?

                               ARTHUR
       A G...g...g...

                               TIM
       A Grail?

   They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

                               ARTHUR
       Er ... yes ... I think so.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Yes.

                               TIM
       Yes.

                               KNIGHTS
       Fine.

                               ROBIN
       Splendid!

                               OTHERS
       Yes, marvellous.

   TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little.  Then TIM produces
   another fire trick producing several different colours.

                               ARTHUR
       Look, you're a busy man ...

                               TIM
       Yes, I can help you with your guest.

   Slight pause.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Thank you.  Yes, thank you very much.

                               TIM
       To the north there lies a cave,  the cave of Caerbannog,
       wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,
       the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ...

   There is a thunderclap and a wind starts.  The KNIGHTS get nervous.

                               TIM
        ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

                               ARTHUR
       How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

                               TIM
       Follow!

   The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.

       But follow only if you are men of valour.  For the entrance
       to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul
       and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived.
       Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ...
       therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage
       come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      What an eccentric performance!
+

31 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it.  The KNIGHTS are 'riding'
   towards it.  A foreboding atmosphere supervenes.  TIM gives a signal for
   quietness.  ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'.

                               ARTHUR
       Shhh!

   The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts
   for a few seconds.  Then there is a burst of noise from them including
   whinnying.

                               BEDEVERE
           (to ARTHUR)
       They're nervous, sire.

                               ARTHUR
       Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

   TIM takes a strange look at them.  They walk on leaving the PAGES behind.
   After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.

                               TIM
       Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

   CUT TO shot of cave.  Bones littered around.  The KNIGHTS get the wind
   up partially.  A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the
   entrance.  Suddenly we become aware of total silence.  Any noises the
   KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated.  They unsheathe their swords.

                               ARTHUR
       Keep me covered.

   Stir among KNIGHTS.

                               BEDEVERE
       What with?

                               ARTHUR
       Just keep me covered.

                               TIM
       Too late.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               TIM
       There he is!

   They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the
   cave.  Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.

                               ARTHUR
       Where?

                               TIM
       There.

                               ARTHUR
       Behind the rabbit?

                               TIM
       It is the rabbit.

                               ARTHUR
       ... You silly sod.

                               TIM
       What?

                               ARTHUR
       You got us all worked up.

                               BEDEVERE
       You cretin!

                               TIM
       That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel
       and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.

                               ROBIN
       You tit.  I soiled my armour I was so scared!

                               TIM
       That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

                               GALAHAD
|      Oh, fuck off.
+      Get stuffed.

                               TIM
       He'll do you up a treat mate!

                               GALAHAD
       Oh yeah?

                               ROBIN
|      You turd!
+      Mangy scots git!

                               TIM
       Look.  I'm warning you.

                               ROBIN
       What's he do?  Nibble your bum?

                               TIM
       Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a...
       look at the bones.

                               ARTHUR
       Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

                               BORS
       Right.  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew coming up.

                               TIM
       Look!

   As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS'
   throat with an appalling scream.  From a distance of about twenty feet
   there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS.  A quick CLOSE-UP
   of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off. The
   RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking
   in the KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly.

                               ARTHUR
       Je...sus Christ!

                               TIM
       I warned you!

                               ROBIN
       I done it again.

                               TIM
       Did I tell you?  Did you listen to me?  Oh no, no, you knew better
       didn't you?  No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it. The names you
       called me.  Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

                               ARTHUR
       Oh, shut up.

                               TIM
           (quietly)
       It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

                               ARTHUR
       Charge!

   They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT. A tremendous twenty
   second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the
   Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are
   comprehensively killed.

       Run away!  Run away!

                               ALL KNIGHTS
           (taking up cry)
       Run away!  Run away!

   They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. TIM,
   some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.

                               TIM
       Ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha.

                               ARTHUR
       Who did we lose?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Sir Gawain.

                               GALAHAD
       Ector.

                               ARTHUR
       And Bors.  Five.
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three, sir!
+
                               ARTHUR
       Three.  Well, we'll not risk another frontal
       assault.  That rabbit's dynamite.

                               ROBIN
       Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up.  Go and change your armour.

   ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

                               GALAHAD
       Let us taunt it.  It may become so cross that it will make
       a mistake.

                               ARTHUR
       Like what?

   GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

                               GALAHAD
       Do we have any bows?

                               ARTHUR
       No.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

                               ROBIN
       The what?

                               ARTHUR
       The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.  'Tis one of the sacred
       relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

                               ALL
       Yes. Of course.

                               ARTHUR
           (shouting)
       Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

   Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group
   of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing
   and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and
   waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused
   with the holy glow.

   ARTHUR takes it.  Pause

                               ARTHUR
       How does it ... er ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       I know not.

                               ARTHUR
       Consult the Book of Armaments.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

                               ANOTHER MONK
           (reading from bible)
       And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
       "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
       thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and
       people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
       and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       Skip a bit brother ...

                               ANOTHER MONK
       ... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou
       take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,
       no less.  Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the
-------------end of part 4---------8<--------------8<--------------

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