HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Another Math Joke
From: $ennsnr@brandonu.ca
Date: 14 Sep 92 21:50:17 CST
Organization: Brandon University, Brandon, Manitoba, Canada

Another Math Joke:

A college-football chach was faced with the possibility that his star player
might be declared academically ineligible, so he pleaded with the math
professor not to flunk the kid. "Tell you what, coach," said the prof, "I'll
ask him one question in your presence, and if he gets it right, I'll pass him"

The athelete was called in and the prof asked, "What's two plus two?"
"Four," replied the player.
Frantically the coache cried, "Give him another chance! Give him another
chance!"

P.S. I am looking for smilies to compile into a collection. Please send any you
have or use to me. If you want a complete list when I am done, send me your
e-mail address. {:-)


*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

|\    |  _____ ______                 People who don't read are brutes
| \   | |        |    |				-- Eugene Inesco
|  \  | |---     |    |               --------------------------------
|   \ | |        |    |               Neil Enns
|    \| |_____ __|___ |_____          $ennsnr@brandonU.ca

Disclaimer: The views in this message are not necessairily those expressed by
Brandon University. However, if it wishes to use some of them, I would be
flattered!

Please excuse all my typos!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
From: benjamin@picasso.mmwb.ucsf.edu (Dennis Benjamin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Lawyer jokes needed!!!!!!
Date: 13 Sep 92 03:39:26 GMT
Organization: UCSF Computer Graphics Lab

jim.heil@cutting.hou.tx.us (Jim Heil) writes:
>What's worse: a car full of politicians falling off of a bridge or a
>car full of lawyers???

You would only need one car to have both of these happen.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: theboo@saavik.cs.wisc.edu (Eric Bazan)
Subject: Practical Joke
Organization: Undergraduate Projects Lab, UW Madison
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 04:14:32 GMT


	Please help us pull a practical joke on a friend of ours.
He recently locked a set of keys in his wife's car and someone
had to drive 40 miles to pick him up and return him to his home
to pickup the extra set of keys.

	What we are attempting to do is have as many keys sent to
him from different locations as possible. Your help would be 
deeply appreciated. He knows who's behind the joke and thinks its
funny, but doesn't know how we're doing it.

	Consequently, we have declared Sept 28, 1992 as 
		      SEND LEE A KEY DAY!
To participate, all you have to do is put any old key in an 
envelope and send it to him with no explanation. We hope that we
can get all 50 states as well as Canada and several foreign 
countries. Any other day will work just as well but we would like
to jam his mail box on one or two days.

		Please send your key to: 
 		    Lee Potratz, A Key For Lee
		    532 W. Church St. 
		    Belleville, WI. 53580

Your help is appreciated and he will get a big kick out of this.
						Thanks!!
						A Friend Of Lee's
From: rv0s+@andrew.cmu.edu (Rahul Verma)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Baby jokes
Date: 7 Sep 92 00:52:39 GMT
Organization: Sophomore, Math/Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA

I would like to get a list of Baby jokes from someone who might have
compiled them. Please send them to me by e-mail since I don't read
rec.humor regularly. I promise to post a consolidated list once I get
some responses.

Rahul
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think                            Rahul Verma
I think I am                       rv0s+@andrew.cmu.edu
Therefore I am!                    Ph. (412) 268-4117
I think...                         GOOD BYE
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jamesb@nevada.edu (James Bender)
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Organization: University of Nevada System Computing Services
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 00:58:28 GMT

In article <1992Sep12.010425.3073@csdvax.csd.unsw.edu.au> 10u6070@csdvax.csd.unsw.edu.au writes:
>In article <1992Aug31.145217.202595@uctvax.uct.ac.za>, rybicki@uctvax.uct.ac.za writes:
>> So, chaps - enough of the Polish jokes already!  8-|
>Someone keep criticising the Americans - they get so funny when they get
>patriotic.

	Well, then here's my attempt at humor...

	Everything you said was true, but, as one of our senators said, 
we do make a HELL of a bomb.

	And by the way, who happens to have to be the one to bail out all 
of you other pussy countries who get into war's that you can't handle? That's
right, the good old lazy, stupid, un-cultured USA. The truth is that we 
only let some of you other little piss-ant countries exist because you
amuse us. Better keep it up or else..... :)

	One thing I will say, the Canadians do make some bitchen beer.

	Lighten up,
*******************************************************************************
* From: James B     * "Life is a diamond you turn into dust."                 *
* jamesb@nevada.edu *                                       -- N. Peart       *
*******************************************************************************
From: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: funny sign
Date: 9 Sep 92 21:24:31 EST
Reply-To: "frank rosenbaum" <frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>
> Along similar lines, my mother has a sign in her bathroom with a picture of a
> baseball player in front of a toilet that says:
>
>  "Gentlemen with short bats,
>  please stand closer to home plate."
>
> ---Jason

LS>   In the head (toilet to you 'lubbers) of a small boat:
LS>   "No pointers, please - its a moving target"


Along similar lines.

A sailor and a marine were in the bathroom peeing.  The sailor finished first
and started walking out.  The marine said "Sailor, in the marines they teach
us to wash our hands after going to the toilet."
The sailor replies "Well, in the navy they teach us not to pee on our hands."

               Frank in White Plains, NY
---
  DeLuxe 1.25 #1000  Trains don't kill people, Grade crossings do.
--
Executive Network Information System  (914) 667-4567
International ILink Host
From: tma4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (TERRY MICHAEL AUSPITZ)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Hello
Date: 15 Sep 92 12:56:17 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

>>>>>>Hello.  How are you today?
>>>>>I'm fine, so cascade away!
>>>>OK. You can call me ray.
>>>You doesn't has to call me ray, you can call me Jay.
>>Don't you have anything better to say?
>Perhaps there is some better way?
Oh, there MUST be, I should say!
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.folklore.computers
From: clc@kepler.unh.edu (Christian L Claiborn)
Subject: Re: Thoughts
Organization: University of New Hampshire  -  Durham, NH
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 21:07:54 GMT

In article <1992Sep15.195320.26504@lclark.edu> harrison@lclark.edu (Mark Harrison) writes:
>
>Harrison's Law #1:
>      
>   When someone posts a dumb joke to rec.humor, it will be repeated twice
>that month, and three times in the following month.  It will also be
>re-worded and posted five more times that month.
>
>Harrison's Law #2:
>   
>   The dumber the joke, the more times rule #1 applies.
>
Claiborn's Corrolary to Harrison's Law #1: 
	Whenever a dumb joke is posted on rec.humor several times in a one-
month period, a proportionally larger number of requests for that joke and 
ones similar to it will appear on the net, all in capitals.

				clc

-- 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| "I like the girls I go out with to have a head on their shoulders." | Wasted|
| "I hate necks."        -- Steve Martin                              | Space |
|------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Christian Claiborn, proud owner of over 4,000 individual Amy Grant albums.  |
| Maintainer of Snake for kepler@unh.edu, brilliant BNF parser, fun dude.     |
|        clc@kepler.unh.edu/clc@gloin.unh.edu/C_CLAIBORN@unhh.unh.edu         |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews)
Subject: Re: Dark is Faster than Light
Organization: Optical Illusions, Inc.
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:28:49 GMT

>>BZZZT*DING* Wrong!
>>For a simple prrof that dark is faster than light,
>>hide in a closet and close the door.  Now slowly
>>open the door.  If you observed closely you could see
>>the light come in as you opened the door.  Did you
>>see the dark go out? No!  Ipso facto dark is faster
>>than light.

>BZZT!  Ding!  Pow!  Bamm!  Boom!  (I feel like I'm part of the old Adam West
>Batman series):
>	How can darkness be faster than light when it is simply the absence of
>light?  Darkness is related to light and is not another phenomena!

No, everybody has it wrong!  There is no such thing as light, only dark.
Dark is made up of heavy little paricles called darktrons.  What we refer
to as "light" is simply the absence of dark.  What you call "lights" is
a euphemism for "darktron absorbers."  When "lights" are "on", then they
are absorbing darktrons in the room.  That's why when you open a door to
a dark room there is a linear lightish path to the nearest darktron absorber.
From: jmilikow@csa.bu.edu (jeremy milikow)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: rec.humor
Date: 6 Sep 92 23:39:29 GMT
Distribution: recxb
Organization: Boston University Computer Science Department
From: cholette@JSP.UMontreal.CA (Cholette Martin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Fun with cats
Date: 11 Sep 92 22:09:40 GMT
Organization: Universite de Montreal

In article <dewey-080992101342@sebastian.centerline.com> dewey@centerline.com (Devan F. Dewey) writes:
>In article <1992Sep3.185832.23105@wisipc.weizmann.ac.il>,
>jhsegal@wiscon.weizmann.ac.il (Livy) wrote:
>> 
>
>
>[ Much humor delete ]
>
>
>> Ok! That's enough! I ignored the FIRST idiot who wrote this kind of things
>> but now it begins to be a litlle annoying...VERY annoying!! What's that?
>> A humour newsgroup or a animal maltreatment newsgroup?? And DON'T bullshit me
>> that this is "only humour".There are some things which have their borders BEFORE
>> jokes..MUCH before;and this includes ANIMAL treatment.This list is read
>> by several tens of thousands of people AT LEAST,and believe me,that there
>> is AT LEAST some idiot somewhere which will try those horrible things.And even
>> if it is not true(AND I AM SURE IT IS!!),just talking about this makes me SICK.
>> I am reading this list for JOKES ,not for SADISTIC advices.
>> Go with it to the inquisition.They'll like it.|:-(
>                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition . . . Get the comfy chair!!!
>
>
>> I am sorry that I HAVE to write such an article.
>> Thank you for reading.
>> Livian
>
>Livian,

 Hey Livian take a pill !!! Live and let live ! If you don't like it, don't
 READ it !!! or are you one of those nosy hags who live to tell other people
 what to do ? Take your frustrations elsewhere, we don't give a shit whether
 you like it or not ! You see, I love cat's and dog's and would never do
 anything to harm one, but I also have a sense of humor and find these jokes
 truly hilarious.
 

>
>If it makes you feel any better, most of these tricks work equally well on
>dogs.
>
>
>
>
>                             
>               Devan F. Dewey | Senior Systems Analyst
>          CenterLine Software | dewey@centerline.com
>            10 Fawcett Street | "Leme esplain - no dere is
>          Cambridge, MA 02138 | too much. Leme sum up."
>                                       -Inigo Montoya
From: gtr0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (GLEN TORLEIF RYEN)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: British v. American Humor
Date: 16 Sep 92 01:58:37 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <14SEP199209212953@reg.triumf.ca>, lahaye@reg.triumf.ca (RAYMOND GABI
N , TRIUMF OPERATIONS) writes:

>>Andrew Dice Clay, Married with Children, Night Court (Dan Fielding) etc.
>>
>       wow!! Every show you mention are pie-in-the-face type humour, requiring
>very little brainpower to understand.  I certainly don't mean that you should
>not watch them ( I enjoy Married With Children myself ), but English humour is
>the best available at this time, shows like Yes Minister, Butterflies, Born in
>the Manor, the Black Adder series, Dave Allen, Monty Python, Not the Nine
>o'clock News, and so on... Some shows require a knowledge of British politics,
>which is not reviewed by north americans news broadcasts.  Nevertheless they
>are very amusing, and light-years ahead of trash like Three's Company or Night
>Court.  Even the Simpsons have more to offer.  So Cheer up, and give the
>British shows another try.  Have you seen Lovejoy, on the Arts and
>Entertainment network, funny and informative: all information on antiques is
>accurate!
>
    Yes, a lot of American humor caters to the low IQ crowd, and some of it is
funny.  I'm a really big fan of British humor, but you have to conceed that
American humor does have something to offer.  Have you ever seen Dennis Miller
(in particular, _Black & White_)?  He's definitely not into low-brow humor.  I
have a friend who's a political science major, and he can barely understand
half the references Dennis Miller makes.  Miller even provides his audience
with suggested reading lists so that they can understand his jokes.  And if
you want more proof of how good his show was, consider this:

    It was just cancelled.

Glen
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: melliott@convex.com (Mark Elliott)
Subject: Re: Wet-Backs
Organization: CONVEX Computer Corporation, Richardson, Tx., USA
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 15:52:31 GMT
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by a user at CONVEX Computer
              Corp. The opinions expressed are those of the user and
              not necessarily those of CONVEX.

In <3558@ra.nrl.navy.mil> miner@hightop.nrl.navy.mil (Les Miner) writes:
>In article <22309@nntp_server.ems.cdc.com> you@ems.cdc.com writes:
>>In article <memo.616815@cix.compulink.co.uk>, hallan@cix.compulink.co.uk (Hugh Allan) writes:
>>|> Excuse me for asking, but what's a wet-back?
>>Something like a green-back only wet.
>actually it is a derogatory (sp?) remark twoards the hispanic race.

Since the Rio Grande moves so much and the govt has put up fence along the
border, they are no longer called wet-backs......they prefer to refered to
as scratch-backs.


--
	Mark Elliott	melliott@trojan.convex.com
     *  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
From: blade@kulgan.Eng.Sun.COM (Blade Doyle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: American joke (oxymoron)
Date: 15 Sep 1992 22:05:34 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems
Distribution: world
Reply-To: blade@kulgan.Eng.Sun.COM
NNTP-Posting-Host: kulgan


> "crap" ? Ok. I suppose the USA are the most wonderfull country in 
>the world, uh, and that all the other countries, by being small, 
>should simply not exist ? Or maybe we should get them together with
>other small countries ? Or maybe it would be easier to nuke them
>and then plant flowers or macdonalds there ?

I vote for McDonalds!


_________
|Kulgan!|
|\--v--/|
| \ : / |
|  \:/  |
|  /:\  |
| / : \ |
|/--^--\|
|_______|
From: stivers@etec.com (Robert Stivers)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: NGH System For Marine Applications?
Date: 12 Sep 92 01:41:09 GMT

>From korgrd!scott@uunet.UU.NET Mon Aug 17 11:22:10 1992
To: uunet!uccvma.ucop.edu!rbprxs@uunet.UU.NET,
        uunet!etec.com!stivers@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: NGH System Considerations For Marine Applications
Content-Length: 693
X-Lines: 19


I was wondering if the NGH Propulsion System had ever been utilized
for marine applications? I have been considering retrofitting my ski
boat to get a little more top end for barefooting purposes and the
following questions come to mind.

How long of a towrope must be used so that the skier is safely behind
the jetwash of the system (Skier's ambient temperatures should be below
100 C.)?

Does the system come in a lightweight version using advanced composite
materials? (I'm afraid 2 tons might sink my boat).

Does the system incorporate a reverse osmosis Peltier effect semiconductor
heat pump system for keeping beer cold?

Thanks for any information you may be able to provide.

Scott

*******************************************
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: daltonr@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Warlock)
Subject: Re: WANTED: answering-machine messages...
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 04:53:51 GMT


Here one played on a local radio station.
"Hello, We're not home right now, so I guess your out of luck.
You can either leave a message, or take a flying..." beep

Think about it for a minute (it is suppose to rhyme, and the word
begins with f),

Warlock
-- 
Carry on my Wayward Son. There will be peace when you are done...
-Kansas
daltonr@silver.ucs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: fulton@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Ben Fulton)
Subject: Re: Pearl Harbour (was Re:Agnostics and Athiests)
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 15:25:16 GMT

In <1992Sep7.200406.49637@ccvax.ucd.ie> wboatclb@ccvax.ucd.ie writes:

>>     Over?!?  Nothing is over until we say it is!  Was it over when the Germans
>> bombed Pearl Harbor?
>> 
>I think the Japanese deserve the credit here. 

You're wrong.  The Germans never bombed the Japanese.

-- 
ben
fulton@silver.ucs.indiana.edu
"Get the hell out of my way!" - John Galt
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: enorwood@hplabsz.hpl.hp.com (Earl Norwood)
Subject: bathroom humor
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 16:33:51 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Laboratories Palo Alto,CA

In the Men's room in the old Catalyst in Santa Cruz (1969) on the wall
above the urinal read.....


Please do not deposit cigarette butts in the urinals,
as it makes them soggy and hard to light.

Thank you,
Night Sanitation




Well just my $.02 worth.
Earl W. Norwood III
From: tma4@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (TERRY MICHAEL AUSPITZ)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: WANTED: ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Date: 14 Sep 92 04:02:24 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1992Sep13.144338.14872@vax5.cit.cornell.edu>, jm8x@vax5.cit.cornell.
edu writes:
>Does anyone have the list of anwering machine messages that were posted last
>spring? I lost my copy and really need. I don't get on the net much, so if you
>could send it to me directly, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
>Manish

I could also use said list, so if whoever has it could post also, I would
greatly appreciate it.
    -TMA
From: krb@hpuerca.atl.hp.com (Kevin Barnes)
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 18:27:39 GMT
Subject: Re: bathroom graffiti
Organization: the HP Response Center, Atlanta
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Gee could tell me how you really feel!!!  
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rlw@atlanta.dg.com (Richard Wright)
Subject: Re: Pearl Harbour (was Re:Agnostics and Athiests)
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 92 15:16:43 GMT
Organization: Data General Corp. Performance Services, Atlanta, GA

In article <1992Sep7.200406.49637@ccvax.ucd.ie>, wboatclb@ccvax.ucd.ie writes:
|> In article <1992Sep6.185842.182694@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu>, gtr0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (GLEN TORLEIF RYEN) writes:
|> 
|> >     Over?!?  Nothing is over until we say it is!  Was it over when the Germans
|> > bombed Pearl Harbor?
|> > 
|> >                                 John Belushi (RIP)
|>   
|> I think the Japanese deserve the credit here. 
|> 
|> - Rob.

	Oops. There goes my "Humor Deficiency Detector Mk IV...
	It's a JOKE, Rob. To be more exact, it is a line from a 
	movie. Belushi played a not-too-bright fighter pilot. The 
	line is from a hilarious 'inpirational speech'. You really 
	MUST get out more, son. 

	Thought for the day ---
		Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: 
		Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally
		dies as a result.

-- 
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*
* "Listen, three eyes," he said, "don't you try to outweird me, I get   *
*  stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."             *
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*
* Richard L. Wright, Jr             * Disclaimer:                       *
* Data General Corporation          *  The views expressed here are the *
* System Evaluation and Performance *  One True Way to Enlightenment.   *
*   Analysis Center (SEPAC)         *  Everyone shares my views, they   *
* Norcross, Georgia, USA  30092     *  just don't realize it yet.       *
* (404) 448-6072                    *      Riiiiiight.                  *
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------*
	Oh, go ahead and flame me. It's been a slow week.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: andra@cs.widener.edu (Robert Andracsek)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Dark is Faster than Light
Date: 12 Sep 1992 10:34:19 -0400
Organization: Widener University CS Department, Chester PA
NNTP-Posting-Host: maggie.cs.widener.edu

In article <BuDCC2.n28@scd.hp.com> dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews) writes:
 >>>BZZZT*DING* Wrong!
 >>>For a simple prrof that dark is faster than light,
 >>>hide in a closet and close the door.  Now slowly
 >>>open the door.  If you observed closely you could see
 >>>the light come in as you opened the door.  Did you
 >>>see the dark go out? No!  Ipso facto dark is faster
 >>>than light.
 >
 >>BZZT!  Ding!  Pow!  Bamm!  Boom!  (I feel like I'm part of the old Adam West
 >>Batman series):
 >>	How can darkness be faster than light when it is simply the absence of
 >>light?  Darkness is related to light and is not another phenomena!
 >
 >No, everybody has it wrong!  There is no such thing as light, only dark.
 >Dark is made up of heavy little paricles called darktrons.  What we refer
 >to as "light" is simply the absence of dark.  What you call "lights" is
 >a euphemism for "darktron absorbers."  When "lights" are "on", then they
 >are absorbing darktrons in the room.  That's why when you open a door to
 >a dark room there is a linear lightish path to the nearest darktron absorber.
 >
 >

Yeah, yeah...  and lightbulbs don't burn out, they just get too full
of darktrons, which is why they always appear a little blacker when
you have to replace them.  Now all we need is a light bulb gauge to
measure how full the bulbs are, and we'll never be caught by surprise
again!  

I can't believe I actually followed this thing up... :) 

'
-- 
|R. Andracsek  |  andra@cs.widener.edu  |  Voice (215)447-0412  
|    "I want that appliance from hell
|        OFF of my desk!"  - Mac, Night Court
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.arts.movies
From: daf31428@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (David A. Fleming)
Subject: Re: Mixed Up Movie Titles
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 20:17:01 GMT

sandra@felix.filenet.com (Sandra Cole) writes:



>All of us at one time or another have gotten confused about movie titles 
>and called them something other than what they actually were.  Sometimes
>this makes for some very amusing was not was movie titles.   A while
>ago a man I used to work with was telling a group of us about how he
>was going to see a film that he heard was supposed to be really good.
>He said the name of the movie was "Monkeys in the Fog".  After about
>ten seconds we all realized he was talking about "Gorillas in the
>Mist", and we laughing and OTF:-).  Does anyone else have any incidents
>like this?

>Sandra

	My personal favorite is the time I was going through a Japanese LD
catalog.  In the "action" section, they had several Schwarzenegger movies,
icluding "Commando."  What was amusing is that they had a slight problem
with the transcription.  Another word for "commando" is "guerilla," right?
I guess they opted for the latter, then mis-spelled it.  The LD cover had
a picture of Arnold in his typical testosterone-induced pose, emblazened with
the title "Gorilla."
	Appropriate, huh? :-

				Dave Fleming
				daf31428@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu