From: dlightne@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (David E Lightner)
Subject: RE: Depression
Organization: The Ohio State University
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 04:51:46 GMT

It was a twenty year old male virgin who began this thread.  Since then most 
commentators seem to be trying to point out that there is more to life than sex
and relationships.  I'd like to take the other tack.

   I'm twenty-five, and was a virgin until I was twenty-four.  I lost my 
virginity in a one-night stand with a woman I haven't seen since and have no 
desire to see.  The only reason I slept with her was because I couldn't stand
being a virgin.
   It was at the age of thirteen that I decided it might be nice to have a 
girlfriend.  I still think it might be nice, and I still have not had one.  I 
first kissed a woman at nineteen.  Before the woman I slept with, I had kissed 
three women in all.  None of these three were interested in getting involved 
after our first encounter.
   I grew up quite baffled over how two people ever get involved.  My repeated 
experience would be that I would become attracted to some woman and get no 
positive feedback from her.  In fact, it oftened seemed as if it was a problem 
for these women that I was interested in them; they were uncomfortable with the
idea.  I couldn't so much as get a date through junior high and high school.  
The main cause was probably my obvious awkwardness and shyness.  Back in high 
school, the fact that I had never kissed a girl used to bother me;  I remember 
being particularly concerned about this when I was fifteen.  Freshman year of 
college I met a woman and we kissed, but she JFed me right away.  My concern 
then became the fact that I was getting older and I had never had a girlfriend 
and also I had never had sex.  The fact that no one seemed interested in me was
the main burden.  I often felt like a freak.  I had absolutely no idea how 
people made the transition from being friends to being involved.  I tried 
asking some friends about it to see if they could inform me.  I read *How to 
Make Love to a Woman*.  I tried as best I could to figure out why it was that I
was one of the few who had never been in a relationship.
   In college it was the feeling that something was wrong with me and the 
feeling that I was missing out that depressed me the most.  At one point it 
seemed I would never know what it was like to be dating in high school (that 
is, to make out in the back seat of a car, to both be young and inexperienced, 
that sort of thing).
   I did go on dates in college, although it was often unclear whether the 
woman really regarded the event as a date.  Such outings would sometimes go 
fine, but I had no idea how to make them romantic or whether I should.  I would
not flurt because I didn't know how and was too teriffied to try.  When I would
make some sort of physical advance, in the cases that I did, I would get JFed 
or blown off entirely.  It was really crushing sometimes.
   One summer I staid on campus to take a few classes and met this woman Sarah.
 We seemed to be getting along quite well: she asked me to an outdoor jazz 
festival, she made me a crayon drawing, and so forth.  I wanted to start a 
relationship with her rather than just be friends, and as far as I could tell 
there was a good chance she was interested in me.  Such situations for me are 
very tense and anxious; I get all infatuated with the woman and preoccupied and
very scared.  So one night when we were hanging out at my place I tried to kiss
her; my heart was pounding harder than it ever does.  She lowered her head, 
stopping me; she was noticably embarrassed.  She asked if we could just keep 
talking, and so I complied.  I did not know of anything else to do.  After she 
left that night I was terribly depressed.  I went wondering in the rain for 
awhile and eventually came home and went to bed.  We remained friends for 
awhile, and eventually I went through the same cycle with someone else.
   I did not know what to do in order to actually get involved with someone.  
There were a few woman whom I seemed to have good friendships with.  We talked 
long and at ease, and spent time together.  These women did not want to get 
involved either.  So I kept getting older.
   I guess by the end of college my worries shifted away from never having had 
a girlfriend to never having had sex.  The fact that no one was willing and 
that I was getting into a smaller and smaller group of adult virgins was the 
main concern, especially sice I saw people around me meet for the first time 
and in a matter of hours end up sleeping together.  Again, not only was I 
lonely but I also felt that there was something seriously wrong with me.
   Never having had a girlfriend is a burden to me.  I can get on with my life 
for long stretches and forget about it, but sooner or later I get lonely or I 
get interested in some woman and then I once again have to try to get involved.
 And I have yet to succeed.
   I guess it's the fact that no one has ever been in love with me, no one has 
ever told me that she loved me, which is hard to deal with.
   Now that I've had sex, I actually don't get as depressed.  I don't have to 
worry about never doing it now that I have.  Nevertheless, it wasn't much of a 
first experience.  I wish it had been with a girlfriend.
   Anyway, I can simpathize with the twenty year old virgin.  I also am having 
more and more trouble meeting women.  People are getting married, and I don't 
have any easy means for hooking up with woman as I did in college.
   When deb says that there is more to life than relationships and sex, I 
agree, but consistantly not being a part of those things does make me feel like
a freak.  I just wish I had some sort of control over these things.  I realize 
that having a relationship is not a magic cure for anything.  I realize that 
they can be quite annoying and a lot of work.  Nevertheless, I would like some 
choice in the matter.
   Currently I'm a grad student and I have a crush on one of my professor 
friends.  I haven't done much to pursue it since she is one of the graders for 
some exams I have to take in a few months.  Once the exams are over, I'll once 
again try as best as I know how to spend more time with her and see what comes 
of it.  I don't think it's very likely that anything will, and so I'm rather 
dreading it.
   Anyway, growing up inexperienced has had a profound effect on me.  I hope 
the other fellow doesn't have all the doubts and anxieties that I do.  I think 
the single life can really suck.  I get very lonely and very frustrated.  I get
angry at women for rejecting me as much as they have.  I don't know what the 
current trouble is, but I can't even get a first date anymore.
   Well, my point is that I think the troubles of the twenty year old deserve 
respect.  They can be quite hard to correct.
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