X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.allmusic
Date:         Thu, 23 Jul 1992 16:43:30 EDT
From:         Gary Hanley <ghanley@DG-WEBO.WEBO.DG.COM>
Subject:      Dave Barry and the Democratic Convention!
X-To:         allmusic <ALLMUSIC@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU>
X-cc:         Gary Hanley <Gary_Hanley@DGC.ceo.dg.com>

	Not to bring up an old subject, but I was forwarded this report
by Dave Barry on the Democratic convention, which I thought was hilarious.
Some of it touched on some recent Allmusic discussions, so I decided I'd
forward you all a few excepts from it. The whole doc itself is kind of
lengthy, so I thought it best to edit it slightly. If anyone wants the
complete version, send me a note and I'll forward it to you.

                  NEW HILLARY SHOWS FORM, NOT SUBSTANCE

    I finally caught up with the New Hillary Clinton.  She has replaced the
    Old Hillary Clinton, who was unpopular with the public because she was
    going around discussing the issues and acting forceful and just
    generally appearing to have opinions.

    This is, of course, unacceptable to the American public, which prefers
    its political wives to have a stay-in-the-backgorund,
    stand-by-your-man, worshipful-gaze-type of personality, as epitomized
    by Pat Nixon and most Labrador retrievers.

    So a few months ago, when the Clinton campaign was faltering, party
    officials had Hillary abducted and taken to the top-secert Housewife
    Indoctrination Clinic, operated by Betty Crocker, where Hillary was
    subjected to thousands of hours of "Ozzie and Harriet" reruns and given
    massive intravenous doses of Lemon Pledge.

    When she emerged, she LOOKED like the Old Hillary, but she was no
    longer shooting her mouth off about matters that frankly do not concern
    people of the gal gender, such as the U. S. government.

    When I caught up with the New Hillary, she was talking about cookies.
    This took place in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, where Hillary was host at
    a tea for the wives of Democratic congresspeople.

    There were a dozen or so little round tables, at which congressional
    wives were sitting and drinking tea under the watchful scrutiny of the
    standard roped-off, massive-overkill mooing press herd, taking notes
    and thrusting cameras with an intensity appropriate for earthquakes
    measuring at least 9 on the Richter scale.

    The wives burst into applause when the New Hillary entered the room,
    with her New Friend, Tipper Gore.  Fashion-wise, they were both wearing
    what I would describe as "outfits."  Hair-wise, Hillary had what a
    seasoned journalist informed me was a "blunt cut," whereas Tipper had a
    "page boy."  Needless to say they are both blonde, but Tipper is
    blonder, and has better Family Values as measured by opposition to
    dirty songs.

    Tipper has been opposed to dirty songs since 1985, when she and one of
    her daughters were listening to a Prince record and a dirty part came
    on, and Tipper -- realizing that the only alternative would have been
    to turn off the record player -- wisely decided to have here husband,
    Al, hold Senate hearings.  The happy result is that today's dirty
    recordings carry warning labels, thereby enabling impressionable young
    people to find them more easily.

    So the Democrats are hoping that Tipper will be a strong campaign asset
    in the Family Values department, although she might be hurt by recent
    revelations that, back during the 1960s -- when a lot of young people
    were doing this kind of thing -- she experimented with listening to
    "Louie Louie."  She did not enjoy it, however, and she never had any
    sound vibrations actually penetrate her inner ear.


    Then Hillary started talking about the Clinton-Gore ticket, and her
    voice started getting forceful, and it appeared as though she was just
    about to bring up some actual issues when her Democratic Party
    handlers, staying just out of sight, hit her with a tranquilizing dart,
    and the moment of danger was past.

                     EXTRA! NEWS BREAKS OUT AT CONVENTION

    BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN -- In an outbreak of actual news that has
    caused thousands of veteran political observers here to chew their
    complimentary hors d'oeuvres with renewed thoughtfulness, "H." Ross
    Perot announced yesterday that the American political system -- only
    last week it was a corrupt mess -- has fixed itself and it is no longer
    necessary for him to be president.

    In making this announcement, Perot urged his millions of supporters to
    "get drunk and throw cutlery."

    No, really, he urged them to make up their own minds about whether to
    support the Democrats or the Republicans, and despite his
    well-publicized dislike of George Bush, Perot did not indicate his own
    preference one way or another, except for a subtle veiled reference to
    "President Scumsucker."

    Perot's withdrawal did not come as a big surprise to those of us in the
    news media, because we had already officially declared his campaign to
    be in Falter Mode. This is because (a) he was reputed to be having
    staff problems, (b) his popularity in the polls had been declining, and
    (c) we were getting tired of the paranoid little ferret.

    So our current plan is to write numerous 375,000-word stories about how
    the Perot withdrawal will affect the presidential race. (Answer: Nobody
    knows.)


    So maybe the Democrats should not get too exited yet.  Bill Clinton
    might be leading the polls right now, but even as you read these words,
    the Bush campaign is preparing to win back the hearts and minds of the
    American people with a campaign that will reflect the fundamental
    values and principals for which the Republicans Party stands.  That's
    right: The Republicans are going to claim that Clinton pardoned Willie
    Horton.

    No, I'm kidding again.  I'm sure that the Republicans will run a tough
    but fair campaign based primarily on trying to link Clinton to
    discredited liberal policies of the past, by which I mean bimbos. (Or
    possibly "bimboes.")
--
Regards,
    Gary Hanley
<ghanley@dg-webo.webo.dg.com>
Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU