From: anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess Anderson)
Subject: Re: Bar Etiquette: Further digression
Organization: Madison Academic Computing Center, UW-Madison
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 93 14:02:27 GMT

In article <thaaang.726569645@cwis> thaaang@cwis.unomaha.edu
(John Dorrance) writes:

>anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess Anderson) writes:

>>>How do these people live on this stuff?

>>Poorly and not long.

>Liar! When poured into molds and allowed to congeal, white gravy makes
>excellent flooring material. It does tend to lack sheen, however.

I really must disagree with our informant.  The flooring
application is not suitable for modern homes, and for two
reasons:

1)  It's fine all winter, but in the spring, unbelievable
    numbers of tiny red ants will hustle right indoors to
    start eating up the kitchen floor.  While one might be
    tempted to view this as a Good Thing (as Forced
    Redecoration (tm) nearly always is), the downside is
    that stumbling in your bare feet across to the stove to
    heat up last night's stale coffee involves the sickening
    crunch of hundreds of chitinous but industrious formic
    acid factories.  No, no, that would be too much,
    especially if you were hung over.

2)  The other problem is the high risk of explosion.  As is
    well known, air laden with fine powders (flour mills are
    a classic example) is often highly combustible.  Now
    imagine that you are dressed up for the evening, and
    nearly ready for your Dream Date to pick you up in a
    pale yellow 1952 Oldsmobile convertible with red leather
    interior, perched and cooing on which you expect to have
    him find you quite irresistible and therefore already
    making plans to get inside your panties before bringing
    you back in the wee hours.  But suddenly (and rightly)
    you sense that the flower in your coif [after it's grown
    back in, of course] is slightly awry, so in a rush you
    sweep through the kitchen on your way to the powder room
    to check.  Well, those ball gowns create a *huge*
    suction in the room air if you sweep as fast as I'm sure
    you do.  That would stir up a *great* cloud of flour
    dust from the white-gravy floor, said dusty air would drift
    over to the range pilot light, and boom, the back of the
    house is airborne.  Not only, but your evening with DD
    in the Olds and (most of all) the Results of Lust, will
    *all* be ruined.  No, no, it's simply not worth it.

The proper use for congealed white gravy is in fact door
stops and bases for bird feeders.  It's also used in brick
form to build apartment blocks in the CIS.

<> Annual drug deaths: tobacco: 395,000, alcohol: 125,000,
<> 'legal' drugs: 38,000, illegal drug overdoses: 5,200,
<> marijuana: 0.  Considering government subsidies of tobacco,
<> just what is our government protecting us from in the drug
<> war?  -- williamt@athena.Eng.Sun.COM
-- 
[Jess Anderson <> Madison Academic Computing Center <> University of Wisconsin]
[Internet: anderson@macc.wisc.edu <-best, UUCP:{}!uwvax!macc.wisc.edu!anderson]
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