From: nancy@genie.slhs.udel.edu (Nancy Lebovitz)
Subject: Re: ******SPOILT HER*****
Organization: UDel, School of Life & Health Sciences
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 02:44:29 GMT

In article <Bv85II.Ipn@mentor.cc.purdue.edu> mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (brandywine) writes:
>
>Okay, so I have a tendancy to pun....
>
>
>space here
>
>
>giving you a chance
>
>
>to run as fast as you can
>
>
>one of my good friends tonight said to me, "you are eventually going
>to have to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming your
>parents for everything that happens to you"

When I first read this, I was _furious_ at what your friend said, and I
think I've sorted out at least part of what's so offensive about it.
 
It starts with her assumption that she knows what you "have to" do--
you don't have to do anything but die. (Though I hope, no time soon.)

Also, I don't know that you've been blaming your parents for anything
that isn't their fault. I doubt that you've been blaming them for every-
thing that happens to you. In general, I would suspect any personal
statement that includes global terms like all, none, everything, nothing,
always, or never of having a fair chance of being both false and abusive.

This matter of responsibility is subtle--people can make choices about
how they take things, but they do have a large influence on each other,
too. 

I'm having more trouble than I thought I would figuring out why I'm 
reacting so strongly to that statement--it just seems so very much
like the kind of thing I'd get from my family that seemed to add up
to telling me that I should pretend that the way my parents treated
me was alright. 

[pause for rage and weeping]

I'd feel really lonely when people would say that sort of thing to me
--I still do.  And angry--I'm feeling as though people who talk like
that probably had abusive backgrounds themselves....and it serves them
right. (To possibly cut short some discussion--I know that this is
rage--it is neither right nor decent--it's how I'm feeling.) 

>and then I fell into a depression such that I can't handle. I am okay.
>I am not going to die... I have myself firmly convinced that I cannot
>die right now. it won't happen yet. I am going to be here, NO MATTER
>WHAT, so I better deal....

Good.

>she has a point. as some point, I am going to have to let go of the
>anger enough so that I can stop being so misreable. (sp?) but that
>point isn't now.
>
>the shitty part is that I *AM* a responsible person. I always HAVE
>been the "responsible one". I work hard... make the grade... take care
>of things... of people... of myself to a certain extent. not as much
>as I should, perhaps, but I made it thru 22 years... and with the
>history I have... that is INCREDIBLE. I should be proud to be
>BREATHING not having to justify myself to a woman who has had her life
>handed to her on a silver platter. Just who the hell is she to pass
>judgement of my life? what if I do want to go back to sleeping with
>everyone I see? so what? that is my choice... I never asked for her
>approval!!!!! 

If she's that emotionally numb, she may have been abused herself--
you're still entitled to be angry, though.

>but of course I did. don't we all search constantly for approval and
>love from somewhere?
>
>so I am confused and feeling alone. I know she was wrong in what she
>said, but what she meant is true. I do tend to HATE my parents for
>their CONTINUING manipulationa nd pain. But I still live with them.
>And, the GOddess help me, I STILL LOVE THEM. I EVEN *UNDERSTAND* how
>it was allowed to happen and *WHY* they are such fuck-ups as parents.
>
>but even, with as much as I have told her, she cannot understand. she
>doesn't have the capability to see what I see. she called me weak
>tonight when the truth is, I am being strong. does that make sense?
>
Have you tried being as understanding with yourself as you are with
everyone else?

>I can understand just about anything. I can see it and feel what the
>pain must have felt like... the pressure my parents were under... I
>understand... and that scares me too. my little lower-middle-class
>background surrounds me and makes me see that the truth is, life could
>have been much worse... and I am lucky to have good friends and
>a support system.
>
Might you be using this to distract yourself from what you're feeling?

>but still I sit here crying WHY ME? why me at all?
>(not tears... I still don't cry. I don't want to. what are tears for,
>they don't change anything)

They make you feel better, in the medium run. _Not crying_, when you
really want to, is a lot of fairly pointless work, in my opinion.

>I am so lost. I had a five hour time when I was feeling nothing this
>week. nothing. no pain, no joy no nothing. I knew I *SHOULD* be
>concerned... so I pretended to be concerned... and I worked it out and
>got back to myself. but the absence of the CONSTANT PAIN... the
>CONSTANT REMINDER that I WILL NEVER BE 
>the carefree child I never had a chance to be
>i will constantly remind myslef... that little ache that never ends...
>
>this is rambling.. and I am sorry if I am hurting anyone... but it
>hurt so much for her to say that. THEY WERE WRONG. maybe, I should
>drop out of school and leave... just leave...

What you wrote was a trigger for me to work on some stuff I need to 
work on.

>BUT I CANNOT. I AM RESPONSIBLE. TOO RESPONSIBLE. I GRADUATE IN MAY. I
>CANNOT LEAVE UNTIL THAT IS DONE.

You can. It's a financial gamble....Staying with your parents is an
emotional gamble--which one you choose is _your choice_.

>
>and, unfortunately, i will last that long. I cannot take my own
>life... (I know you don't see that as a weakness, but I do.)
>
>I cannot even want to... too much to do... too much to be....
>
>DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND? WILL I ALWAYS BE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS MY
>PAIN?

Good question. I've occasionally been around people who were actually
comforting....I'm not sure of everything that was going on, but I don't
think that they "knew" my pain in the sense of actually feeling it
(I wouldn't want anyone else to do that--it hurts!), but they were
with me while I felt it.

>probably. you can see it and relate to it... but pain isn't something
>most people can really share. all sharing my pain does is cause more
>for you. and I am sorry....

It basically got myself more in touch with my own pain, which is a lot
of what I read this group for....you haven't hurt me in any way. Did
your parents treat your pain as an assault on them?

>perhaps I should destroy this, not send it... but I cannot. I reach fo
>ryou all and your ehugs... because I need them. and I hate needing
>anything....

Ehugs and I'm glad you didn't destroy this.

>than-you for trying to read this... I know it doesn't make much
>sense... but I sit here stone cold sober wondering why she can't see
>it... and knowing that it wouldn't help much if she did....
>
It made enough sense. 

                                  Ehugs and warm fuzzies,
                                       Nancy Lebovitz

>-brandywine
> 
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery