From: andsol@owlnet.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg)
Subject: Tales From the Crypt (was:Re: Homina Homina!)
Organization: Rice University
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 07:05:24 GMT

In article <robinson-280892231809@psy29.psy.utexas.edu>, robinson@psyvax.psy.utexas.edu (John G. Robinson) writes:

[a fine biography deleted]

|> The end?

No.

John, it's a neat theory, but it's wrong.  I *did* post that idiotic little
thingie.  And do you want to know why?

Because this newsgroup sucks.

Allow me to elaborate.  However, in order to do so, I will have to tell you
all a little story.  Gather 'round, children, for your Uncle Andy is going
to tell you all a tale of a land that, for one brief shining moment, was
Camelot.....

Once Upon A Time, boys 'n girls, there was a magic land called Usenet.  It
was a nifty, neato place, and when it first congealed itself onto the virtual
terrain of the international communications channels, all sorts of people
flocked to it.  There were short people and tall people, smart people,
pimply-faced teens with overactive hormones, and several brands of mental
deficients.

<Steve Buffum>: Were there any pandas?

<me>: No.  Now Fuck Off [tm].  Where was I?

Ah, yes -- there were all kinds of people on Usenet in the early days.  There
were folks of all descriptions, disciplines and backgrounds on the Net.  And
right there along with them were The Meanies.  These were otherwise-ordinary
folks whose concepts of social interaction were somewhat skewed.  This
difference in perspective lead to several misunderstandings -- and all because
of a few choice words uttered at the wrong moment, like this exchange that
actually occurred on talk.abortion:

Melanie H.: > I can't understand why a group of 100 *male* senators have 
            > the right to make decisions regarding me and my body.

Weasel Boy: Because if your sticky little hands were grasping the helm of
            your own destiny, you would still be crouching in the undergrowth
            removing ticks from your own labial walls while the menfolk sip
            Perrier by the fireside.

And so it came to pass that the polite-minded folk of Usenet rose up in a fury
and drove all the vicious and snide subscribers from their midst.

But do not pity the outcasts!  Oh, no!  They did not weep or gnash their
teeth in frustration!  Several of the cleverest amongst them decided to
colonize their own newsgroup, to sanctify a land in their own name, to create
a cultural homeland where sarcasm and satire, far from being looked down
upon, would be the very basis of their society.  And this land was named
alt.flame, the crumbling ruins of which we now inhabit.

No!  It's true!  Once Gods truly walked the Net, and ruled from their seat
on this group!  This place was not always the festering net.arsehole that
it is today.  You see, in the days of wine and roses, alt.flame was a
factory of sorts.  Skilled craftsmen and -women took raw creativity and
cynicism as their material and molded it into things of great beauty.
Take, for example, this little gem:

R. Forscher: >>>  We do not appreciate your forays into rec.org.mensa for
             >>>  the purpose of belittlement of our discussions.  We are
             >>>  a serious-minded newsgroup, and we enjoy debating various
             >>>  topics in an atmosphere clear of the taint of counter-
             >>>  intelligentsia so common elsewhere.  We respect your 
             >>>  desire to be entertained in your own unique manner, and
             >>>  we ask you show us the same respect.  I urge you to try
             >>>  to participate in our group's activities with a more
             >>>  serious mind-set; you may find it more enjoyable than
             >>>  your other diversions!

Spazz:       >>    Cool!  Okay, I'll try it:
             >>
             >>   "Bonjour, my peers in perspicacity!  I would like to
             >>    initiate a thread on the nature of man qua man, with a
             >>    particular stress on the emphasis of the de-emphasis of the
             >>    stress so typically placed on man qua man qua emphasizing
             >>    the........"
             >>   Aw, hell, who am I fooling?  
             >>
             >>   Any of you guys for a blowjob?

Mark Ito:    >    Hey, wait a second!  I don't feel you did justice to the
             >    topic of man's own basic masculinity!  This is not a sucject
             >    to be frivolously discarded!  After all, we are a serious-
             >    minded newsgroup, and we enjoy <ahem> debating various 
             >    topics in an atmosphere....clear of the taint....of....of...
             >
             >    Hell with it.  Look, forget the blow, lemme get my 
             >    greased dildo.....
             >
             >    VOO-BA.....

Spazz:             oooh!

Mark Ito:    >    VOO-BA.....

Spazz:             Ooooh!!

Mark Ito:    >    *VOO*-BA!!!

Spazz:             OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!............

                   Light me up, you big Bohemian. <puff>


And so alt.flame flourished.  It became a group known and feared across the
civilized highways and byways of Usenet.  A new generation of avid and fresh-
faced youths, of which yours truly was a member, travelled across miles of
dangerous terrain to study at the feet of the learned masters.  Many times
the newbies were brutalized by the Ancient Ones, but a few survived the
feeding frenzy to become established and respected members.  Here is a
transcript of one particularly harsh lesson, delivered to an excessively
clueless neophyte in his guileless arrogance:

JJJay:     > I have only three things to say to you.  They are:
           >
           > Smegma;
           >
           > Smegma; and
           >
           > Smegma.  Take your pick.
           >
           > Now, on to more immediate matters: Why are you here?  As in, not
           > elsewhere?  Also, do you have a thick, bony ridge protecting the

Weasel Boy:  WE INTERRUPT THIS USELESS FLAME TO BRING YOU AN EMERGENCY NEWS
             BULLETIN.  THIS JUST IN --
             CLUELESS NEWBIES HAVE BEEN SPOTTED OFF THE COAST OF SOUTH WALES.
             THEY ARE UNAMBITIOUS LITTLE TOADIES WITH BULGING EYEBALLS AND
             LIMITED CEREBRAL CAPACITY.  YOU WILL KNOW THEM BY:
                      1) THEIR FIXATION ON DELICIOUSLY 'DIRTY' WORDS LIKE
                          'SMEGMA' AND 'QUEEF'
                      2) THEIR INABILITY TO CULL A SINGLE ORIGINAL THOUGHT
                          FROM THEIR MENTAL GRAB-BAG
                      3) THEIR PRESENCE IN THE KILLFILES OF ANY SENTIENT
                          LIFEFORM ON ANY PLANET, ANYWHERE.
             WARING:  THEY HAVE NO LIFE, BUT THEY COVET YOURS.  THEY ARE TO
             BE CONSIDERED EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE REALLY
             QUITE HARMLESS.  DO NOT LEAVE UNTAUNTED.  SEND HATE MAIL.

             WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PLONK.

[remainder mercifully deleted]


The years wore on, and the originals began to fade out of sight.  I'm not
sure what it was: leaving school, perhaps, or new employment; whatever the
cause, the oldbies slowly but surely disappeared.  There came a point when
this group's signal-to-noise ratio began to make reading a little too tedious
to be worthwhile.  I took that opportunity to turn to other interests.  Time
passed.

Just a few months ago, I checked back in again, just for old times' sake.
And what do I find?  The halls of the Priest-Kings sullied by peasantry,
that's what!  I discover that the hallowed stomping-grounds of the Knights
of Viciousness are now a place where arguments are moved to when other
newsgroups begin to find them tedious!  I find that when 'alt.flame' is
mentioned in other places,  there is no fear or respect!  Kids -- this
is a shameful state of affairs!

So: what to do?  I have tried flaming.  I have tried flame-baiting.  I have
even tried politeness.  It has not worked -- no one person could hope to
regenerate this or any group.  It's just not possible.  So I'm going to do
the unthinkable: I'm Going To Ask For Your Help.  In the coming weeks I am
going to try to post some provocative flame-bait and Tips For Newbies.  I
know the talent is there; it's just not being used.  Use it, dick-fer-nose!

I don't claim to know everything; I never said I was any kind of expert.  
However, I have been around the block, and I do know shit when I see it.
And boy, howdy, when I drive my killfile back into the depths of its lair,
do I ever see it!  Old Slice-'n-Dice probably slashed 90% of everything
in this group; I bet other peoples' killfiles are even more efficient.
Something's got to change, if we ever want to claw our way out of the
shithole.

I ask two things:

1) In the next few weeks, try to stop the pointless, unending 'flame-wars'
   that are really just exercises in obstinacy and endurance.  They are not
   flames.  If anything they are cascades -- send them to alt.cascade, where
   normal humans will never see them.
2) Exercise your atrophied senses of rudeness, gall, and chutzpah.  You 
   might be surprised, for true talent at flaming may exist where you never
   thought it could.  You -- yes, you -- could be the next Weasel Boy.  

I now end my rant with a warning:

I am beginning a revolution.  You have two choices.  You may join it.  Or
you may be crushed beneath its grinding wheels.  I will bring back quality
to this group or die trying.

If you want to join the movement, mail me.

If you want to flame me, post it.  We could all use the entertainment.

THE NEW WATCHWORD: DIE RAT BASTARDS!
           
-- 
Andrew Solberg          |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!" 
Undying University Mooch|              Anon. Outraged British Woman
andsol@owlnet.rice.edu  |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
Phone:713-529-8627      |              Winston Churchill

			
Newsgroups: alt.flame