From: brad@optilink.UUCP (Brad Yearwood)
Newsgroups: ca.driving
Subject: Re: Aggressive driver profiles (now Aggressive Vehicle Profiles)
Date: 1 Oct 92 05:33:18 GMT
Distribution: ca
Organization: Optilink Corporation, Petaluma, CA

In article <1a7e26INNsj9@overload.lbl.gov>, prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem) writes:
> 
> 	Or if __I__ had an assault rifle every time I got stuck behind
> 	a tall sport utility vehicle/pickup truck and can't see what the 
> 	heck is going on in front of that vehicle....... Shreds my patience 
> 	to rags when I cannot do "look-ahead" driving.....RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-...
> 
> 	Particularly when there is _ONE_ redneck-type sitting in a one-ton
> 	pickup with an empty bed.... And I can't believe some folks COMMUTE
> 	in a LandCruiser/4Runner.......
> 

Agreed.  I'd prefer something really effective, like a 6000 round/minute
20mm cannon or a bazooka.

It was particularly gratifying to see at an Air Force test range open house
in Utah a few weeks ago, a pickup truck reduced to scrap by 8.5 pounds of
best-quality American military explosives, with a little gasoline thrown in
for its extra crowd-pleasing flame qualities.  This was a humble old Air
Force pickup truck in camouflage paint, but it only took a little imagination
to turn it in fantasy into one of its evil brethren.

We got to see a nice demo of the 20mm cannon, too (fired from 4 x F-16).
LOUD!

I did get to see a particularly gratifying incident some years ago, before
these jacked-up monstrosities were quite as sophisticated as they are now.
Some bozo driving one of these rolling scrotal tumors had to make a hard stop
at a light.  The suspension design was influenced more by testosterone than by
engineering principles - the back wheels started bucking violently back and 
forth.  The motion was so violent that the drive shaft pulled out of the
differential.  Bozo didn't notice this.  When the light turned green, he put
on a suitably macho amount of accelerator and engaged the clutch, resulting in
a noisily racing engine, a shower of sparks from the driveshaft end spinning
on the concrete, and an utterly stationary truck.  Heh heh heh.

The penultimate insult came a couple of months ago when one of those weasel-dick
lowered mini-pickups parked next to me while I was in a store.  When I came
back out to MY car and started to unlock MY door, an electronic voice shouted
"Stand Back - Protected by Electronic Security System".  Imagine - having
puerile insults delivered by a wretched neuronless piece of Radio-Shack-
salesman's-wet-dream hardware in a wrapper which should have remained among
the automotive unborn.  Finally, something even worse than those bloody
120dB chirp-chirp alarms which seem to be favored by people who leave for
work at 6:30AM.

Anyone know how to make good shaped charges from commonly available
kitchen materials?

All vans are driven by potential serial sex torture murderers.

Most mini-vans are driven by parents-over-the-edge, trying their best
to fulfill whole-family death-wishes.

Most old Chrysler convertibles are driven by dangerous drunks -
including virtually all of those driven by people wearing nautical hats.
This is mostly a historical note, 'cuz most of these have by now met
their Tree of Fate.

White Toyota MR2s are usually dangerous, particularly when driven by males,
as are white CRXs when driven by females.  Add 20 danger points for Local
Motion decals.  Add 15 danger points for a male driver with jock-straps
hanging off the sunglasses.  Add 15 danger points for a blonde female driver.
Add 20 danger points for no-see tinted windows.

Cars with ski racks bear greater than normal danger.  Cars with actual
skis count double, particularly if the nearest snow has been melted
for more than one week.  Cars with many skis and many occupants are
among the most dangerous vehicular encounters possible, and should be
avoided at all costs.

Recent grads driving Daddy's hand-me-down 4-year-old Prelude are exceedingly
dangerous (just about got plowed by one of these a few days ago).

All pickup trucks which lack paint, plaster, or concrete splatters,
construction materials, or a dog in the bed, are dangerous.  Danger increases
with height, elaborateness of suspension, and size of tires, and also
with level of polish.  Danger is 10X if >= 3 males, all with buzz-cut
hair and/or baseball caps, occupy cab.  Danger is low, however, if there
is a dog in the cab.

All recreational vehicles are driven by the type of people who might
at any minute turn on the cruise control and walk back to the fridge to
get a drink.

All boat trailers can be assumed to be pulled by drivers who have either
recently consumed too much Budweiser and sunlight, or are in a hurry to get
somewhere to do this.  Many attempt to practice sailorly skills such as
tacking, even though they are at the time driving a car with a power boat
on the trailer.

All cars driven by men wearing suit coats are dangerous.  The suit coat
generally conceals a firearm, or a person of the type who wears a suit coat
for some non-thermal reason.  Add 10 danger points for a cellular phone
in use.  Add 120 danger points for a cellular phone clearly being yelled
into.  Add 70 danger points for real estate agency decals or Realtor
license plate frames.

In Orange County, CA, all diesel Mercedes will be found in the left lane,
regardless of whether their current state of tune allows their speed to
exceed the benchmark figure of 12 X the optical density of their exhaust.

Volvos after approximately 1979 can be assumed to be driven by people
who seek a robust and survivable container for the consequences of their
aggressive nature.  Double the danger if the Volvo is in Marin County, and
double it again if it bears a San Francisco resident parking sticker.  Volvos
pre-1979 can be assumed to be driven by incompetent and slow, but generally
harmless, worshipers of a vision of a Swedish welfare utopia.  Add 2 utopia
points for each slogan, but 10 danger points for Meat Is Murder.

BMW 318/320 drivers are clueless idiots.  BMW 733/745 drivers are dangerous
drug dealers or their attorneys.  BMW 5xx drivers are generally competent,
but over-aggressive.  BMW 2002 drivers are way cool, angelic creatures,
at the unfortunate mercy of their frail, aging machines.  Add 15 angel points
for a tii, 30 angel points for a 2000 tisa.

Brad "Freeway Avenger(TM)" Yearwood   brad@optilink.com
Petaluma, CA
Newsgroups: ca.driving