From: murali@stretch.polymer.uakron.edu (Murali Cotah)
Subject: Inklish
Organization: Institute of Polymer Science, University of Akron
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1992 22:20:29 GMT

Keywords: 

These were sent to me by a friend of mine  -- collected and probably pirated (!) - so i cannot acknowledge anyone for this compilation.

In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If
    you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

    In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
    day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
    when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
    wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
    should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
    alphabetically by national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front
    desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the
    office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure
    is the job of the chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the
    chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
    monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
    and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
    Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
    corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing
    to hope for.
n the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid
    red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
    duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend
    courteous, efficient self-service.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big
    rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

    Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition
    of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These
    were executed over the past two years.

    In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
    shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

    In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
    porter.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden
    on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
    instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
    married with each other for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
    of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
    be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the
    latest Methodists.

    A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water
    has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

    In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
    afternoon having a good time.
    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
    city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
    on your own ass?

    On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock
    to right.

    In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from
    their own skin.

    On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to
    work throughout its useful life.

    Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

    In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
    if dressed as a man.

    In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
    them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit
    to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have
    children in the bar.

    At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have
    any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other
    diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
    water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
    they are best in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
    CONDITIONER:  COOLERS AND HEATERS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM
    in your room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
    foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at
    first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
    vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
        - English well talking.
        - Here speeching American.

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sure beats the russian emigre jokes in russian.

merry xmas

cotah
Newsgroups: rec.humor