Newsgroups: soc.singles
From: allisson@turing.toronto.edu (H. Allisson Roome)
Subject: Give me Sex but When?
Organization: Net.Gypsy/ROM
Date: 23 Jan 93 18:33:10 GMT

SEX, INTIMACY, and LOVE all seem to be current, not to
mention perennial, topics of interest on S.S..  We all, whether
off-in-the-distant-perfect-future or as immediately-as-
humanly-possible, want sexual relations.  You can be a Nice
Guy/Gal [TM]-optional, Jerk, ProblemYoungerMan(or Woman),
ProblemOlderWoman(or Man), average-human-being and that
urge to 'DO IT' still runs strong in your veins.   Depending
on your own and your partner's needs, you can be with a
"TRUE LOVE," a Committed Partner, Boy/Girl-friend, Just-A-
Friend, Screw-Buddy, or Casual Pick-up when you have sex. 

Granted, I've been playing catch-up, that is to say
reading/skimming about 300 or so articles at a sitting, on the
group and I've missed installments of Trygve's latest saga and
coping strategies for the holiday created out of myth by
greeting-card moguls.  Yet, I've noticed and even tangentially
contributed to an ongoing thread where the degree of
intimacy differed with the partners and the willingness of the
partner to be honest about what they wanted was at issue.

In context or out, the point that seems to be at issue is
twofold:

1) 
    How honest are you willing to be about what you want in
    terms of the  sex in a relationship?  That is to say: Are
    you willing to say that you just want friendly sex and
    don't see a future (if you don't) or are you likely to avoid
    the issue or even lie to get what you desire? Are you
    willing lie to your partner or to yourself?

2) 
    How important is equivalent levels of intimacy?  Do you
    both have to be at the same level -- ie., is it okay to be
    sexual if she says that she loves you and wants a future
    with you (and is willing to wait for you to want the same
    with her) and you just don't know or want to see what
    else is out there before 'settling for her'? (It's only
    gender specific because that seems to be the predominant
    combination).  Do you have to feel something and be
    "involved" once you've had sex with the object of your
    affections to have sex a second time? (Ironically, the
    January Issue of "Cosmo" <gack!> has an article "When
    Comes to Sex, Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man:
    Once we've slept with him everything changes") Is there a
    level of intimacy that you *have* to be at in order to
    have sex at all?

I can't claim that there is or even should be a *single*
correct answer for any of those questions. What have seen is
that we all have different and disparate views.  Some think
that is wrong to lie and others do lie about the level of
intimacy that they feel in order to obtain sexual relations with
a partner.  The list goes on but you get my drift.  What I am
interested in seeing is how *YOU* would answer the questions
for *YOURSELF* - NOT how you would like the world to think
(tempting as it is to do that here).

Now in order to be fair, and answer my own questions:  I can
be brutally honest about what I like and what I want.  I seem
to recall a story about a woman who was uncomfortable with
her romantic interest being a virgin.  I do prefer someone
with more experience because I've done my share of
education-of-the-innocent and breaking up over different
levels of sexual expectations/expression and I want a partner
not a student. I like and enjoy sex; I believe it to be an
intrinsic part of most modern relationships.  I have been in
relationships that were "just-for-fun" (for a variety of
reasons - none relevant). I also want/need a sense of primacy
(er, I want this to be *THE* single and most important
relationship) both sexually and emotionally.  I've been willing
to lie to myself about what I want to deal with in order to
maintain the facade of relationship so I could be sexual
without guilt.  I don't need a commitment to be sexual but I
*prefer* having on made to me (and I making one to my
partner).  I do find myself (if it is just "sex") relating as if
there is more of a relationship between us.  It is highly
desirable that my partner and I be in accord as to how we
feel about each other.  I've been in situations where that
wasn't the case and I've come to the conclusion that, for
*me*, we have to be in the same place emotionally and that it
has to be more than only "two friends who happen to have
sex."

Now this is just me.  I don't even presume to speak for the
man I love.  I have I good idea of how he feels on this
subject (given the conversations we've had especially and
things that he's written here) but they're his not mine.

Allisson
-- 
"Desire itself is movement not in itself desirable; Love is itself unmoving,
only the cause and end of movement, timeless and undesiring except in the 
aspect of time caught in the form of limitation between un-being and being."