HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1318@ttwells.com (Free Amazon)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: re: hi you all (or how to feel about mother?)
Date: 8 Nov 92 20:03:41 GMT
Organization: Whitehead Institute for Biomedical Research


Addendum-

>(not to mention my her abuse of me).

I was reading what I sent last night and I noticed this slip. I always these
in the most difficult passages.

First I wrote

(not to mention my sister's abuse of me)

then

(not to mention her abuse of me) I thought

but it came out

(not to mention my her abuse of me)

I was talking about my sister hurting me and I'm having a very hard time
admitting that happened. It's very painful because I loved her VERY MUCH-
no matter what. In answering some email I said that I found it hard to be
angry about this but I am. I found it hard because I want to be mad at her
and forgive her but she's gone.

I couldn't have done anything about ony of this. I don't think she could
either. Anika wrote "why couldn't they just leave us alone". Good question.
Why?

I feel numb as I write this. Tears maybe later, again.

DAMN YOU FOR NOT PROTECTING US! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

O.K. so I just got over feeling numb.

Thanks for being there so I don't have to sit here and write this to myself.
I have a hard time with that. Until I started talking to the people here I
write this at all. THis has really helped.

Free Amazon
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anonymus+845@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: those inferior feelings
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 20:28:57 GMT

isn't it funny- you can be sailing along fine,
then just a certain look from someone- or a certain
phrase-- can make you feel inferior all over again

Today-- I feel that way--  I don't know why-- but
I guess there really isn't a definate reason.

I  was shopping for my gradson last night, with a 
friend of mine, who was shopping for her niece-- when
I became so aware-- my parents never did that--  I
can't remember them ever giving me a present-- sometimes
we were lucky to get food from them.

I therapist asked me if I hated my parents--  I told her
I don't have ANY feelings for them-- I can only remember
about 5 times that they were ever present-- so far-- 2 of
these memories have not been pleasant-- they down right
abandoned us-- complete indifference--  and the other
was physical abuse--  so now I wonder what will surface
in the future--- I  guess I don't hate them-- but now I
am really PISSED!!!  

I look at my kids and my grandson-- and I wonder what kind
of creep would just pretend they didn't exist and leave it up
to them to take care of theirselves-- and look out if you
ever asked them for attention-- it was better not to be noticed
by them.

This is just my rambeling for today--  I think I am working up
an anger over this--- this may be good.

Linda

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From: anon-1326@twwells.com (The Captain)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: First post - Hello to all
Date: 5 Nov 92 05:33:49 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Welcome to ASAR!  I read your post and identified with some of the
things you said.  I, too was molested by an older brother (3 years
older).  Although I never became a perp myself, there have been times
where I wished I could do to somebody else the same things my brother
did to me.  I never did, partly because I never had the chance to do it
to anybody else.  I still have a fear lurking in the back of my mind
that should I every get lucky, get married, and have a son, I'm going
to have this same desire to molest him.

>From the reading I've done, I think it has a lot to do with power-- I
was powerless to do anything about the abuse I suffered, and now I want
that same power for myself.  I know that to do to somebody else what my
brother did to me would be very wrong, but there are times when I feel
I have no other way to empower myself.

At any rate, I hope things work out well for you here on ASAR, and good
luck in your recovery!

Keep the faith,
The Captain



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel)
Subject: re: first post- hello to all
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 03:08:00 GMT

i cannot say i would stone you for what you have done...there is no point in
hating you
in fact right now i feel both pity for what has been done to you 
and abhorrance toward what you have done...

but that does not matter.
here is one who still welcomes you to asar
(and i hope you can be helped...)


darkangel


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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: *yet another FMS warning..*
From: anonymus+1401@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (darkangel)
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 18:18:27 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service


Q: How many FMS people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They can't..they are too busy arguing that there never *was* a light bulb..
it was just suggested by a therapist.


darkangel
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From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: does anybody want ME?
Date: 12 Nov 92 20:06:14 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)


Prisoner wrote:
> What I will do is keep hiding,
> stay huddled in the corner of my life, pretend that all is well
> for as long as I can. Pretend that I'm alive.
> 
> Is any of this getting through?

Yes, I hear you.  I'm sorry you're in this much pain.  But nothing I
say can do any good.  I've tried telling you in the past that the way
you're handling things will not work.  Not that I'm this big expert or
anything, but let's face it, *nobody* thinks that the way you're
handling things is going to work.  At least nobody here on asar
(right, everybody? Anybody who thinks Prisoner's approach is going to
work in the long run, speak up now).

Nothing is going to change until you change, and you're not going to
change.  I'll grieve for you, for what that's worth.

-- 
Holly McGrath   <enigma@netcom.com> 
1803 Mission Street, #339          
Santa Cruz, CA 95060              
(408) 479-4072  (voice mail)     
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: robertc@sco.COM (Robert Chansky)
Subject: Re: Blackness & guilt
Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc.
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 20:55:27 GMT


In article <BxE0rz.6uC@twwells.com> anon-1357@twwells.com (Silver Tiger) writes:
> ... etc deleted to save bandwidth ...
>
>*SPOILERS*
>

(nicely set up.. I'll leave some white space along with a warning about
more subjective philosophical viewpoints)











>Ok, look.  My view of God is like this.  If It exists, how could It let
>this abuse go on.  "God protects the little children."  Right.  Sure.
>At the time of my abuse, I believed in God.  I went to Bible camp.
>I prayed every night.  I, too, thought God was punishing me.  I was
>wracked by guilt.  As I grew older, I realized I had not done anything
>wrong.  If there is a Supreme Being, It cannot be all-powerful, or it
>would have prevented my abuse.  If it is not all-powerful, how can
>it be the Supreme Being?  If we assume abuse is the fault of a Devil,
>then how can a Devil be more powerful than an all-powerful God?

I am not particularly religious, but I grew up with that background, and 
thought I'd spew out another viewpoint.  This is the issue of choice: your
abuser chose, through selfishness or ignorance or insanity, to do what he
did, and for that choice, it's believed, he will eventually be punished.
But to be punished or rewarded for something he did he'd have to have made
that choice; not posessed by the Devil or by God, but his own deeds.

A philosophy states that God does not meddle, for the reason that the
judgement He supposedly gave us would have been made a joke.  If you
believe this, unfortunately, you are also more or less required to believe
that if prayer works it is only the result of random chance.

It is comforting to some, I suppose, that a God who cares deeply about all
of our suffering is restraining Himself from interference because some
gigantic Principle is at stake.

I don't know.


>
>I have heard the argument of "It was a test for you."  Little seven year
>old girls who love Jesus do NOT need to be tested.  Well, I'm sorry, but
>if the test was to see if I would remain faithful, I guess I failed.
>If you kick your dog and it comes panting back to you, you are not good..
>the dog is silly. 

If you swallow the viewpoint above, then nothing becomes a test, or a
gauntlet for some to run through while others live life sipping cocktails
on a blow-up raft in a heated pool.  It is just what happened.  What you do
with it is your choice: I suspect that if you blamed God, He would not mind
so much.


>Please do not get angry, if you read past the SPOILER, you were warned...
>And please, argue rationally if you like!  I am willing to change my mind,
>but only for some pretty good logic...

I wouldn't try to change your mind.  I'm not sure why, now that I read over
my statements above, it seems to be that I am proselytizing, and I am hardly
religious at all.  Well, whatever.

Rob
-- 
                                 . 
                     (.signature at 50 meters)
From: rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov (Bob Boyd)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: "The Sin Eaters" and related thoughts
Date: 6 Nov 92 18:37:57 GMT
Reply-To: rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov
Organization: Unisys/EPA

In article <1992Nov1.195606.20078@netcom.com>, enigma@netcom.com (Enigma) writes:
>

>The "real" parents may be dead, but how about the ones in your head?
>I know the parents I am having negative feelings towards are in their
>thirties, not their sixties, and exist only in my memory.  *Those* are
>the ones I have to deal with...

I have had some good stuff come out of exercises suggested in 
Bradshaw's _Healing The Shame That Binds You_ and 
_Homecoming_.

It is possible to hand their stuff back to them symbolically whenever
you decide that you want to do it.  There is more than 1 way to do it
too.

Group therapy that uses psychomotor or psychodrama is another
good place that I've done some of this kind of work.
--
Bob Boyd                 
rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov 
Unisys/EPA
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: thoughts
From: anonymus+845@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 19:36:19 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

I have been thinking how this whole abuse
stuff is still ruling my life-- the way 
I walk- the  way I feel- the way I react
to "everyday" people.

It seem like forever that I have been really
afraid to walk in a room by myself where there
are people gathered already--  I don't know-
it's almost like they will tell me I don't belong.-
or find something wrong with me.

And I still feel- when someone is nice to me--
I feel panic -- like, what do they want?  why
are they being nice-- is this a set-up. Or else
I go completely over board and just obesses about
them.  Any little positive attention- is just SO
confusing.  Like I don't deserve positive attention-
because I never had it without having to pay the
price for it.

I believe though, that this is good for me to see
that I am behaving this way-- because I know I want
it to change-- and I quess you have to see what you
are doing before you can change it.

Somedays it seems like such a long battle-- but then
again -- I have survived this for over 40 yrs-- so what
is another day on the battlefield if maybe I am progressing
now instead of "hiding it away".

these are just thoughts I had to write--
thanks for being here to listen

Linda

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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: mcmorris@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (brandywine)
Subject: Re: My vote for official song for asar :)
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 22:19:38 GMT


YUCK to the song suggested be ed....

howabout... "Paradise by the Dashboard light"
since that is something NONE of us got

sarcasm runs deep in my viens....

-brandywine
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1366@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Group Therapy
Date: 9 Nov 92 15:51:59 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

**BOB BOYD***

By your language, you are suggesting that I am breaking some sort of
code of silence.  I AM NOT!   But in case you haven't realized, BOB,
this service permits ANONYMOUS posting...so ANONYMITY can be guaranteed.

Therefore, I would think that I what I have said in my posting GROUP
THERAPY does not violate any sort of "contract".

I think I have a perfect right, as does anybody else to post what I
am feeling, and that I am not breaking any sort of contract...only if
I start naming names, etc. etc. will I be breaking any sort of contract.

Also, if I vented as much anger to the group and therapist as I did 
this dumb computer, the group would suffer more than this 1200 dollar
piece of junk---you get my drift Bob.  Next time think before you
spew about confidentiality and contracts etc. etc. 

Yes, I am a very angry person. 





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From: sarahb@yang.earlham.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: help, please!!!
Date: 5 Nov 92 21:32:13 GMT
Organization: Earlham College, Richmond, Indiana

I may myself be breaking confidentiality here, but I need advice. I was 
told by a friend that a mutual friend of ours confided in him that she was 
seriously thinking about suicide. She even planned what she would do. Part 
of her reason is that she is a recent survivor. I am too, well, a couple 
years ago and I think I have felt the same way at times. She will not 
confide in me, though. That is ok, she has that choice, but she will not 
even let me go near her now. She is very afraid of being touched at all, 
and the other day I just set my hand on the back of her chair when I was 
speaking to someone else. She freaked out and pushed me. I really didn't 
want to scare her! I'm scared too, sometimes, but I try to let people help 
me. How can I regain her trust? I can't tell her I know how she feels, 
because I don't want her to think people are talking about her behind her 
back. But I want her to know that we all care about her and want her to 
reconsider. How do I help her without admitting that I know all she has said?
I really want to help....
						Help, please!
	
					Sarahb@Yang.Earlham.edu

					Dragon Woman
From: anon-1311@twwells.com (Noel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: To the Captain
Date: 10 Nov 92 19:54:37 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hey,

I had this thought, take it for what it is worth:

Sounds to me like it is easier for you to vent your justified anger at the Dean
(a woman) instead of at your therapist (a man).  He really is the one who you
should be railing at.  He could even loose his licence or whatever for any 
breach of confidentiality.  I am sure you can call the American Psyciatric Association and file a complaint.  I think you should confront him asap with all this.  
Dont be afraid.  He is in the wrong not you.  Good luck

Just my 2 cents.



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From: anon-1374@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: compartmentalization
Date: 8 Nov 92 01:46:45 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


ANON-name: lizard

Dear mouse,

I am afraid with you about where the MP analogy ends.  I wish you
well.
Here's more about what I mean by compartmentalization.
The biggest example that comes to mind at the moment is that I can
love two people totally - not at once, but one part of the time and
one at another.  In general, when something major happens to me, I can
just behave like I always do - even feel all of the same feelings.
Then at another time I am not like I always am, I really feel the
major event, and the whole rest of my life doesn't seem really there.
I know it is real - that I don't doubt.  But I feel totally different
- I react totally differently depending on what the situation seems to
demand.  I keep my feelings tied up so no one else suffers from my
abrupt changes in feelings/attitudes - because I know what my
responsibilities are.  Still I FEEL differently, I react differently
inside.  Fortunately, I'm a very good actor thanks to a long childhood
of training. :|

All my life, I've strived to be an integrated person whose actions
really make sense.  Yet when I consider myself as a whole, I cannot
make sense because I feel incompatible emotions.  (Not just
individually incompatible, but ones compatible only with a totally
separate person.)

I don't know how to describe what I feel.  I hope this helps.

Peace
lizard

& Thank you for remembering, cloister bell.



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From: anon-1366@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: QUESTIONS
Date: 5 Nov 92 03:10:50 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANYONE IN CANADA USES THIS GROUP.  PLEASE
ADVISE.

ALAN



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From: anon-1357@twwells.com (Silver Tiger)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Should I post a story?
Date: 10 Nov 92 05:42:36 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


Hello all, hope you are having a good day, or at least as good as
it gets...

I have written a story that very indirectly voices my pain at sexual abuse.  It is changed enough so that anyone in my family who read it wouldn't suspect who
I am talking about..although maybe that isn't the best thing.  The story IS
a work of fiction, with plot, and does contain a few vivid spoilers.

I wrote it both to get feelings out and to shout at the world, "READ a 
story about abuse!  Don't turn away!  People you KNOW do this, people you
KNOW are harmed by this, don't assume it doesn't exist!"  There has been
a lack of ANY stories about sexual abuse.  A TV movie tonight, starring
Dean Stockwell and Shelley Long, did grab the subject and attack it,
and it contained major *SPOILERS*.  I couldn't watch much of it, a friend
who doesn't know about my past was with me, and I could feel the tears
coming.
Also, "The Prince of Tides" has some sexual abuse in it, and was very 
disturbing to a friend sitting with me.  I managed to keep under control
(after all, a lifetime of practice comes thru for you sometimes).

Anyway, as I was saying, PLEASE only post if you OBJECT to my posting it.
I will mark it *SPOILERS*, etc.  I have seen a lot of good writing come
out of this group (Solace, I wrote down your poem in my journal, fully
attributed to you of course...it was so *good*!).  If I see no objections,
I will post in a few days...

Wishing Sam Beckett would leap in and change *my* life,

Silver Tiger



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: attractions
From: anonymus+3352@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (Luna)
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 03:34:24 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I have a tendency to sexualize my
relationships, at least in part because of my history of abuse.  I am very
confused right now about a friendship because I am feeling sexually attracted
to this friend of mine and I don't want to be.  My friend is someone I can
talk to about how I have been affected by being sexually abused and has a
significant other.  I feel uncomfortable because of the attractions I am feeling
are very out of place and I am afraid to talk about it with my friend.

I don't want to get sexually involved with this friend; I want to not feel 
these out of place feelings, but I can not stop feeling feelings, so what can
I do?

I welcome direct mail.
							-Luna
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