From: mbr@merk.com (Mark Rosenthal)
Subject: Sexual victimization of 13 year old boy
Organization: Technology Partners, Inc.
Date: Mon, 09 Nov 1992 03:09:50 GMT


I just wrote a letter in response to a "Dear Beth" column.  It might
be a good starting point for a discussion of society's insensitivity
to the issue of victimization of boys and men.

	mbr@merk.com
	mr07@gte.com

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Reader's letter to Beth - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Beth:

I'm 13 years old.  The other day my 16-year-old sister and her friends held me
down and undressed me.  They took turns pulling my thing and laughed when it
hurt.  My mom said not to worry.  It's OK for girls to see boys nude because
they see them when they babysit.

Sometimes my sister threatens to do it again.  I'm scared.  I think I'd feel
better if I got my friends to do that to her.  Should I?

			Bill

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Beth's answer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Definitely not.  What they did to you was sexual abuse.  It was like a rape,
and it was terrible for you, and you should never do it to someone else.  Your
mother is wrong.  It's never OK for anyone to see a person nude it that person
doesn't wish it.

She was trying to make you feel better but perhaps is not aware of what else
your sister and her friends did to you.  Tell her they really hurt you
physically and mortified you as well.  She should talk to them and ask them
to imagine how they would feel if a bunch of boys did the same to them.

Forcing anything on a person is wrong whether you are male or female.  Touching
your private parts and making fun of your sexuality is terribly cruel.  Your
sister and her friends were probably taking out on you how uncomfortable they
feel about their own sexuality and about boys.  Some of them may have suffered
sexual abuse in some way but they were very wrong to take it out on you.

Talk to your dad, or another adult or good friend who will be sensitive to how
you feel.  When your sister is receptive, tell her how abused and embarrassed
you were.  Ask her to stop threatening you.  Make sure your mom supports you
in this.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My letter - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Beth,

    You printed a letter from a 13 year old boy whose sister
and her friends held him down, undressed him, and as he
reports, "took turns pulling my thing and laughed when it
hurt".  When he reported the incident to his mother, she
responded that it's OK for girls to see boys nude because they
see them when they baby-sit.  His sister threatened to do it
again.

    Your response, while on the right track, didn't go anywhere
near far enough.  Among other things you suggested, "When your
sister is receptive, tell her how abused and embarrassed you
were.  Ask her to stop threatening you.  Make sure your mom
supports you in this."  What we're dealing with here is
essentially a rape.  We're also dealing with a parent whose
immediate reaction to a rape is to worry about the feelings of
the rapists!  How in God's name can a 13 year old boy expect
support from a mother like that?

    If the genders were reversed, what would your advice have
been?  What if you received a letter from a 13 year old girl
who had been gang-raped by her 16 year old brother and his
friends?  What if she reported it to her father and he had
demonstrated more concern for the rapists than the victim?
Would you have suggested to her that she talk to the rapist
when he is "receptive"?  Would you have told her, "Make sure
your dad supports you in this"?  Or would your reaction have
been much harsher?  Would you have perhaps suggested contacting
a rape crisis center or law enforcement officials?

    You even went so far as to suggest possible sympathetic
interpretations of the motives of the sister and her friends.
If the perpetrators had been boys and the victim a girl, I
doubt that you would have bothered to mention that the rapists
may have been expressing "how uncomfortable they feel about
their own sexuality" or that "some of them may have suffered
sexual abuse in some way."

    You probably thought you were giving the boy a sympathetic
answer.  Instead, you demonstrated that because of the genders
of the participants, you identified more with the perpetrators
and the unsympathetic parent than with the victim.  You assumed
his mother to be sympathetic even though the only information
you had about her indicates that she is anything but
sympathetic.  Would you have been as ready to attribute good
intentions to a father?

    Boys and men are as victimized by sexism as are girls and
women.  The insensitivity of your response to this boy
demonstrates the subtle sexism that males encounter every day,
even from those whose intentions are basically good.