HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: gap@worldbank.org (Gary Pasatiempo)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Reply-To: gap@worldbank.org
Organization: The World Bank
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 20:28:15 GMT

Hi Rosemary,
	I read your posting and wish to answer - not provide you with
what you've asked, mind you - but to answer nonetheless.  

	While I cannot provide you with what you have asked for: a methodology 
or means to fix what is broken between you and the other person,  I will
simply offer my observation - if you don't mind.

	I think that you may be young-ish and certainly intelligent based on how
you have stated your situation.  But of course emotions cannot be dealt with
via the intellect.  I won't advise you to dump this person but I will state
that (to my mind) you do not have a relationship with him.  

	May I define a relationship according to my terms?  A relationship is a 
two-way continuum(spelling?) comprising trust, consideration, and confidence
between two people.  These are certainly lacking here, by your words, Rosemary.
If you wait at your end of the tunnel wherin no-one resides at the other end
you will simply waste time better spent being available or finding a real person
for yourself, not a hope(less)ful fantasy projected upon someone who can't be
what you want him to be.

	I once jumped out of a airplane although I can't stand heights.  I state
this to let you know that I know how hard it is to face a great fear.  I can't
tell you how I did it, I just did.  Your fear, if I may say so, is the fear
of being alone.  This is common; it is your time in the crucible as it were.
In this regard you are not alone.  Please try not to let your fear result in
a fracture to your life or potential.  Find yourself, Rosemary.  You will then
be better able to find another.   (Sorry for the preach..)

Best wishes,

-GP
From: markc@eomer.hw.stratus.com (Mark Christensen)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Date: 15 Dec 1992 12:56:13 GMT
Organization: Stratus Computer, Inc.
NNTP-Posting-Host: eomer.hw.stratus.com

In article <14DEC199216362551@vax2.concordia.ca> raw writes:
>hello out there...
>i hope someone can suggest how to patch up a relationship:
>please forgive such a long message, but i need help.  this is my first 
>boyfriend, and he did treat me halfway decently at one point.  i have given 
>him umpteen second chances -- why can't i get one, or at least a decent 
>goodbye?
>
>rosemary

Because some people are just plain insensitive.  My suggestion is to dump
him and wait for (or pursue) other opportunities.  I'm sure this is 
easier said than done since the first real love leaves the greatest
heartache...but frankly, you'll be miserable much longer in this type
of relationship.  There are lots of selfish people out there, but there
are also the few gems waiting to be found.  Go diamond hunting
rosemary.

mc

Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: bab2@nestor.cc.bellcore.com (barter,elizabeth)
Subject: Re: I need some ideas.
Organization: Bellcore, Livingston, NJ
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 21:00:14 GMT

In article <1992Dec10.200310.17533@cbnewsm.cb.att.com>, cma@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (christine.m.dakes) writes:
> 
> We are expecting our first, due 1/19/93.  And I had a great idea.
> We sprung the news on my folks for their 40th wedding anniversary
> this past june 21st.  So I made up this huge "coupon", good for
> one grandchild, redeemable around 1/19/93.  Very colorful, had the
> "look" of a coupon.  Wrapped it up in a box for them to open
> together (wanted them to open it together and read it together).

This reminded me of what my sister did when they were expecting their
third.  My mom always teased her that if she ever had another baby
my parents were going to move to Florida.  (#2 was a bit of a handful,
you see).  Anyway, what they did was make up a "For Sale" sign for
our house.  They wrote things like, "Need more space for 14th grandchild"
"Want to Relocate to Florida" etc.  It took Mom & Dad a minute to
figure it out, but once they did it was pretty funny.

Beth
From: chapmand@chdasic.sps.mot.com (David Chapman)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Promise rings
Date: 14 Dec 92 20:29:37 GMT
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Hello,

A question for the etiquetters among you...

1) What is a 'promise ring'?

2) On what finger/hand is it worn?

chapmand@chdasic.sps.mot.com
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: sarinana@Ingres.COM (Linda Sarinana)
Subject: Going away with boyfriend.....
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1  
Keywords: 
Organization: ASK Computer Systems, Ingres Product Division
Date: 14 Dec 92 17:33:26 GMT

Hi there,

My boyfriend and I are planning to go to Reno, NV. this weekend and I was 
wondering if anybody out there knows of some good motels or hotels with decent
rates...we don't want to spend *too* much!  Any suggestions would be appreciated. 

Thanks!

Linda 
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: age@mundoe.maths.mu.OZ.AU (Alex Eastaugh)
Subject: Re: long distance couple
Organization: Melbourne University
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 05:52:01 GMT

In <1992Dec6.171457.12667@bsu-ucs> 00amelmore@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu writes:

>Any thoughts on long distance relationships?

I've been in a long distance relationship for the last three years,
my wife's in Boston and I'm in Melbourne, Australia.  (You can't
get much further than that!)  We've spent about 9 of the last 38 months
together (we only married last February), and there's been no major
hassles.   Phone calls are too expensive for long calls, but we 
e-mail a LOT. 

The BIG factor seems to be whether there's light at the end of the
tunnel.  For us there is, as I'm going to Boston (one-way ticket) in
March.  Without that, things would have been much more difficult.




------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alex Eastaugh          age@mundoe.maths.mu.OZ.AU          61-(3)-3446797
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Organization: University of Maine System
Date: Monday, 14 Dec 1992 18:10:11 EST
From: World Leader <IK20050@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior

Get a trusted friend to spy on him
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: CMIS27@maccvm.corp.mot.com (Roda Farrell)
Subject: Re: wedding custom?
Organization: Motorola
Date: 18 Dec 1992 08:48:09 CST

------------------------- Original Article -------------------------
I am currently doing a paper on wedding customs of different societies.  I
would appreciate any information anyone can provide for me.
Please send info to willemsdawnm.bvc.edu

thanks
dawn

---------------------------------------------------------------------
In the Philippines, there is a custom of the cord, veil, and coins.
You drape the bride's veil over the groom's shoulders, which is
supposed to mean that she will bear the responsibility of the marriage
on her head and he bears it on his shoulders.  (Translation:  she
does the thinking, he does the manual labor.)  Then you take a cord
and wrap it around the couple -- the tie that binds, I guess.  Then
the groom gives coins to the bride.  This symbolizes that he will
give her the fruits of his labor.

I don't necessarily agree with the meanings; I've only seen this in
one ceremony.  We considered having it in ours, but since I married
a non-Pilipino, I decided not to do it b/c of all the explaining I'd
have to do.

Roda

P.S.  The couple usually picks a "sponsor" couple to assist.  This is
supposed to be a couple that has been married for a while and whose
marriage you admire and want to emulate.
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: robin@severian.chi.il.us (Robin Carkhuff)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Organization: Just throw everything in the junk drawer
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 23:18:58 GMT

I won't tell you to dump him.  Sounds to me like he's already dumped
you.

I know that's a drag, but being "alone" shouldn't be much different
than your current description of life, and it probably will be less
filled with anxiety and doubt.


Hope `93 is better!

Robin
From: susan@solace.me.uiuc.edu (Susan Wrightson)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Organization: U of I Dept. of Mech. and Ind. Engr., Urbana, Ill.
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 22:26:00 GMT

In article <92349.181011IK20050@MAINE.MAINE.EDU> IK20050@MAINE.MAINE.EDU (World Leader) writes:
>Get a trusted friend to spy on him

NO!  Don't do this!  It can get you in trouble!

I had an ex-boyfriend spy on me a lot about a year ago, and it is an utterly 
creepy thing to do.  I still occasionally have a bad dream about it.

The bottom line is that he is obviously jerking you around!  Do you really
WANT a guy you can't trust?  You won't be happy if you can "get him" to
treat you decently -- you'll always be wondering if he's up to something.
It sounds like he's a real pro at game-playing and lies!  Why should he 
change if you put up with it?

I have, on occasion, put up with being treated poorly because I was afraid
of being alone.  I finally realized that this was ridiculous.  There are
lots and lots of really nice guys out there -- some of them have posted
notes here!  I recently got engaged to a "nice guy"!  And I have a handful
of "nice guy" friends who are still looking for "nice women"!

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
| Susan Wrightson                         "And there you are, Fast  |
| Academic Advisor                         Eddie, with lust in your |
| Mech. and Ind. Engineering               soul when I want you     |
| susan@solace.me.uiuc.edu                 thinking pool!"          |
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ 
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: krw@cbnewsk.cb.att.com (keith.r.smith)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Organization: AT&T
Distribution: na
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 22:57:36 GMT

In article <15DEC199216480806@vax2.concordia.ca> rwarren@vax2.concordia.ca (Rosemary from Montreal) writes:
>In article <1992Dec15.185516.6285@nrtpa038.bnr.ca>, Sparky writes...
>>Make a list
>>of all your good qualities, then a list of every time
>>your "boyfriend" has complimented each of them.  If they're
>>about the same length, he's a con man (we already know he's
>>a liar) or you have no self-esteem.
>list of qualities:  length x (actually pretty short)

Rosemary,
it sounds like you are in need of a self-esteem overhaul!
Take stock of yourself _again_, and again, and again, until you
_do_ have a fair list of qualities that you can feel good about.
Can you program your vcr?
Can you tell a good joke?
Can you balance a checkbook?
Are you a good dancer?
Are you good at your job?
Do you have a nice face/hair?
Do you have pretty hands/feet?
Do you have nice buns?
Do you have soft/clear skin?
Were/are you good in school?
We already know that you are computer-literate :-).
................... add to the list as necessary
If you were a man, why would _you_ want you?
Assuming that a man _would_ want you (and you've gotta believe that this
is a valid assumption), it helps if you believe, in your gut, that you
are worth having.  If you don't believe it, then how can you expect
anybody else to?  A nice side-benefit of believing deep-in-your-heart
that you _are_ a good catch, is that it starts showing on the outside
too, and _other folx_ will believe that you are a good catch.  Maybe
you stand up a little straighter, walk with a little more "spring" in your
step, and generally carry yourself like the beautiful woman that you are.

>list of compliments:  length 1, maybe 2
>
>>What do you fear most --
>>being used or being alone?
>both equally, but being alone more.  if someone is using you, at least they 
>are communicating with you and you are not alone.

My philosopy is that:

	"It is better to be alone and miserable, than it is to be with
	 somebody that _makes_ you miserable.  Life is short, so live!"

In the meanwhile, get a puppy!

Keith R
>
>"I just want you to recognize me in the temple ..."
>	Michael Jackson, "Jam"
>
>Rosemary Warren         rwarren@topaz.concordia.ca
>Montreal's Favorite Jacksonmaniac !!!
From: wgt@vax5.cit.cornell.edu
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: testing...
Date: 17 Dec 92 16:55:36 EST
Distribution: soc
Organization: Cornell University

this is a test
From: graeme@fulcrum.co.uk (Graeme Hodgson)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Date: 18 Dec 92 14:51:11 GMT
Organization: Fulcrum Communications

Rosemary,

Get rid of this guy immediately!!

Being afraid of loneliness is no reason to continue to even associate
yourself with this guy.

There are literally loads of nice guys out there who will treat you
far better than this guy - you deserve so much better.  Everybody
does.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself why your life is so bad, identify
the problems then think of the solutions.  If the reason you haven't
met anyone else is because you're not meeting new people, then do
something about it!  Get out and about!  Join some clubs (you already
go to night school).  If you're unhappy then you probably won't let
yourself go and enjoy yourself.  There is nothing more attractive than
a happy, smiling face - believe me.

Above all don't be scared!  I know it's very hard to let the first one
go, no matter how obviously bad it is, but you must.

Please, force yourself to do what you know is the right thing.

Graeme.

--
Hodj
Email to graeme@fulcrum.co.uk     |        <witty quote pending>
 - whenever the mood takes you.   |
From: lpj@col.hp.com (Laura Johnson)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Mother In Laws and Wives
Date: 16 Dec 1992 17:11:44 GMT
Organization: HP Colorado Springs Division
NNTP-Posting-Host: hpctdkf.col.hp.com

mperron@abacus.bates.edu (Michael Perron) writes:
> 
> 	Is this a dysfunctional type problem or what I'm sure there are some
> psych people out there?
> 

How the heck would we know what kind of problem it is? All you've said
is that these two people fight. What do they fight about? It's not the 
case that all women fight with their mothers-in-law, and certainly the
ones that do are not always fighting about the same things. Let's address
"why are these two people fighting" rather than some hopelessly general
sociological issue.

-- 
Laura Johnson
lpj@col.hp.com
Opinions expressed are my own, but may be licensed for a nominal fee.
From: kevin@msa3b.UUCP (Kevin P. Kleinfelter)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: strange behavior follow-up
Date: 16 Dec 92 22:13:05 GMT
Organization: Dun and Bradstreet Software, Inc., Atlanta, GA

"No matter who you're with, that's where you are."

I wish I knew who said it first.  It's a fact of life that irritates
the devil out of me.  We tend to attract mates that are remarkably
compatible with our level of personal development.  The way to attract
a desirable mate is to *be* someone who would attract a desirable mate.

This does not mean to *act* like someone you are not -- it means that the
way to attract a desirable mate is entirely compatible with the way to
be a healthier unattached person.  When you ask yourself, "What can I
do to improve myself as a human, and to enjoy my life more fully?" you
are asking an "empowering" question.

As I said above, this "fact" is a serious annoyance to me, mostly because
it seems to be true in my own life, PARTICULARLY WHEN IT SEEMS NOT TO BE
TRUE.

Seek to *be* a happier, healthier person, and mate selection will either
take care of itself, or become a non-issue.
-- 
Kevin Kleinfelter @ DBS, Inc (404) 239-2347   ...gatech!nanovx!msa3b!kevin
Dun&Bradstreet Software, 3445 Peachtree Rd, NE, Atlanta GA 30326-1276
WARNING: I have been advised that email to kevin@msa3b.UUCP may bounce.
It looks like email will have to go via 'gatech' because that is well-known.
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: Sparky
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Summary: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Organization: None
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 18:55:16 GMT

In article <1gjb2dINN3ib@agate.berkeley.edu> shindle@ocf.berkeley.edu (Richard
Michael Shindle) writes:
>All right Laura. Way to put it.
>
>mike
>(shindle@ocf.berkeley.edu)
>
>
Hear! Hear!  You're making yourself miserable over someone
who (apparently) doesn't care if you exist.  Make a list
of all your good qualities, then a list of every time
your "boyfriend" has complimented each of them.  If they're
about the same length, he's a con man (we already know he's
a liar) or you have no self-esteem.  What do you fear most --
being used or being alone?  Now what's the REAL problem?
--Sparky
From: fsquared@eff.org (Fawn Fitter)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Originator: fsquared@eff.org
Organization: The Electronic Frontier Foundation
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 03:57:55 GMT



>>What do you fear most --
>>being used or being alone?
>both equally, but being alone more.  if someone is using you, at least they 
>are communicating with you and you are not alone.


>Rosemary Warren         rwarren@topaz.concordia.ca
>Montreal's Favorite Jacksonmaniac !!!


If someone is using you, you _are_ alone.  You deserve so much better than
you're allowing yourself to have, and it sounds like you don't even think 
you deserve that.  There's no relationship here to save.  Cut yourself 
loose and open yourself up to the universe of options -- being alone 
doesn't necessarily mean being lonely; sometimes it means taking the time
to learn to love yourself enough to realize you deserve someone else to
love you.

I'm not saying this from some high horse of happiness.  I dated a man for
5 years -- my first "serious" boyfriend -- because I was convinced that 
any man, even one who made me miserable, was better than no man at all.  
I finally wised up and broke it off, and it was the best decision I ever
made.  It freed me up to find someone much better.  That relationship, too,
ended, but not before it convinced me that I was lovable and capable and
worth spending time with.  This man isn't communicating with you, and he
isn't using you...he's simply not there for you, and any relationship you
think you have with him is all in your imagination.  Let it go, give it up,
and let yourself see what else is out there.  23 is _young_.
From: lpj@col.hp.com (Laura Johnson)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Date: 15 Dec 1992 00:09:13 GMT
Organization: HP Colorado Springs Division
NNTP-Posting-Host: hpctdkf.col.hp.com

Usually I hate it when people post responses like the one I'm about
to post, but here goes:

You have not said anything about why you *want* to have a relationship
with this guy, except that otherwise you will have no one.

I don't buy this. I believe you could easily find someone else with
whom you could have occasional conversations, no trust, no dates, and
no mutual friends.

This is a person who (from what you have said) lies to you, shares nothing 
with you, does not want you to be a major part of his life (or you'd hear
from him more often), and does not want to do things with you (no dates,
and no mention from you of mutual activities).

I won't tell you to "dump him" because this would imply that you have
a relationship. You can't really dump a distant acquaintance, and face
it, that's what he is. You have no responsibilities to him, so find
someone else, or start enjoying your decidedly single life.
-- 
Laura Johnson
lpj@col.hp.com
Opinions expressed are my own, but may be licensed for a nominal fee.
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: esther@verdix.com (Esther Lumsdon)
Subject: Re: how to get to root of strange behavior
Organization: Verdix Corp
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 22:48:56 GMT

rwarren@vax2.concordia.ca (Rosemary from Montreal) writes:

>In article <1992Dec15.185516.6285@nrtpa038.bnr.ca>, Sparky writes...
>>Make a list
>>of all your good qualities, then a list of every time
>>your "boyfriend" has complimented each of them.  If they're
>>about the same length, he's a con man (we already know he's
>>a liar) or you have no self-esteem.
>list of qualities:  length x (actually pretty short)
>list of compliments:  length 1, maybe 2

>>What do you fear most --
>>being used or being alone?
>both equally, but being alone more.  if someone is using you, at least they 
>are communicating with you and you are not alone.

This man is _rarely_ communicating with you!  It sounds like the only
abusive thing which he is not doing to you is beating you.  You
need friends!  You need better self-esteem, and you need to end this
distant acquaintance.  At minimum you need to find a manipulative
boyfriend who will treat you better than this!

If you have the means at home, I recommend that you become a regular on
an adults-only BBS in your area.  On many of these BBSs, they waive
the fees for women (because there are so few), and any woman subscriber
who doesn't actively discourage it gets complimented, drawn out of
her shell, and can carry on flirtatious email.  BBSing will also give
you experience at detecting when people are lying to you.
-- 
-- Esther Lumsdon, not speaking for Verdix.   esther@verdix.com
Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be
   working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  
Newsgroups: soc.couples
From: macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca (macleod heather)
Subject: Re: Promise rings
Organization: Wilfrid Laurier University
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 16:10:56 GMT

In article <9212142029.AA14214@chdasic> chapmand@chdasic.sps.mot.com (David Chapman) writes:
>Hello,
>
>A question for the etiquetters among you...
>
>1) What is a 'promise ring'?
>When my boyfriend gave me one (after about two years of dating) he said it
was meant to signify that we would some day get married.  It's half way
between dating and being engaged.

>2) On what finger/hand is it worn?
>I wear mine on the fourth finger of my left hand, and if we ever do get
married it'll be my wedding band.

>chapmand@chdasic.sps.mot.com

Heather MacLeod                      "Diaper go down the hole!"
macl6441@mach1.wlu.ca                "Plucky go down the hole!"
Wilfrid Laurier University           "Water go down the hole!"
Waterloo, Ontario                    Plucky, Tiny Toon Adventures




  



Newsgroups: soc.couples