From: rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov (Bob Boyd)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: Flakiness...
Date: 16 Apr 92 14:19:52 GMT
Organization: Here & Now

drh@spock.EBay.Sun.COM (Live Long and Prosper) writes:
> I have a sponsee.  Let's say her/his name is "Chris".  Chris is involved
> with someone, let's say their name is "Lynn" (notice the use of non-gender
> names).
> 
> Chris has a complaint that Lynn is "flaky".  It seems that Lynn thinks of
> her/himself as a "free spirit", and thinks of Chris as "rigid".  When
> they have a date for Saturday night at 7:00, it's quite common for Lynn
> to cancell within the last few hours.  Chris feels hurt by this because
> 
.... much stuff left out

> Your opinion would be appreciated.  Chris really likes Lynn, but isn't sure
> if he/she is right or wrong.  I am tempted to tell Chris that Lynn is a flake
> and that Lynn is being a jerk.  I don't want to overwhelm Chris with another
> opinion, unless it's "group conchince" (sp?).  Chris has read so many books on
> Co-Dependancy, and talked to so many therapists that Chris isn't sure at all
> who is right.
> 
==========^   Whoa!!!!  I hear a message coming through loudly here about 
assigning blame and keeping score.  What I see going on here is that Chris
wants commitment and consistency and Lynn is at the present unable/unwilling
to give it.  Chris keeps expecting/demanding/asking for it and Lynn keeps
resisting(might be passive agression?) or avoiding.  

What I hear is Chris feels angry, disappointed, confused, or hurt -- or some
mixture of all of these( I would) -- and feels stuck -- they want a relationship
with Lynn, but are unwilling to let Lynn be who Lynn is with this crazymaking
behavior around making plans/no plans.   

What I'm doing about how other people are interacting with me is learning to 
communicate clearly to them when I have feelings about their behavior.  This
goes for pleasant AND painful feelings.  I am learning how to communicate the
feelings without placing blame on the other person -- sometimes the origins
of the feelings are deep in my past, but I may at the present be powerless
over the trigger that happens when certain people act a particular way toward
me.  So, I'm learning to say things like:

 "I have a concern that I would like
to talk with you about.  Would you be able to listen now?  (If not negotiate
a specific time)  When you did <specific behavior> I had some feelings that
I want to tell you about.  I want to tell you about these feelings because
I want to have a relationship with you.  And, I believe that it is important
for you to know this about me.  Some of the feelings probably have to do with
issues I carry from relationships in my past -- I'm not always aware of how,
so I want you to know that I'm trying not to blame you.  When you did <behavior>
I felt <specific feelings -- avoiding "ed" words as much as possible>.  

Would you be willing to mirror back to me what you hear me saying?"

One of the problem behaviors I have lived with constantly in the past was
always trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong in any situation.
And ... very busy about proving that I'm right -- so I don't have to BE
wrong.  

My perspective on this now has room for 2 people to be coming from different
perspectives so that what 1 does to the other causes hurt without necessarily
being "wrong."  Sometimes we just don't have a CLUE about the impact we're
having on someone else -- especially if they keep it to themselves or only
tell other people about it.  I get out of being a victim by communicating 
my feelings to the person(s) I'm having them with/about when those people
are important to me.

Another question I would ask myself with this kind of behavior you've 
described is:  "What is the payoff I'm getting out of this relationship and
the other person's behavior?"  This may be an important question for Chris
to confront.  Why would they keep trying to be in a relationship with someone
who does crazymaking behaviors?  When is the earliest time they can remember
someone treating them this way?  What was it that they needed/wanted back 
then that they didn't get?  These questions keep coming up for me over and
over as I continue on my journey.  And the answers, when I am rigorously
honest and courageous, often reveal profound truths about who I am and where
I have come from, and the unmet needs or pain that I have yet to work with.
--

Bob Boyd
In The Here & Now
Newsgroups: alt.recovery