From: mmcalees@sol.UVic.CA (Michael McAleese)
Subject: COLUMN: Sauramud's Advice Column #10
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.misc
Organization: Those Dudes
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 18:53:06 GMT


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
         Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings   Issue 10
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the
latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column.  But first,
a word or two from Sauramud himself:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Readers,

     Although it may look like ol' Sauramud was dragging his butt around a
bit on this column I was hard at work - really I was.  I've been
researching my new book (title to be decided later) and it's left me little
time to write advice.  No more.  The book has been sent off to the editors
of the "Wizard Weekly News" for final butchering before we decide upon a
title for it and send it to the scribes.  As usual I will shamelessly plug
my new book in the next WWN after its publication (of course, it doesn't
hurt that ol' Sauramud writes his own book reviews).  Ahem.  On with the
questions.

---

Dear Saramund,

Recently I was pondering imponderables and other such exotica while
polishing my master's mirror for the nth time and a question of great
philosophical significance came to me.  Having heard of your salubrious
sagacity and philosophical pompesity, I decided to pose this question for
analysis to Your Lofty Eruditeness:

"If vampires have no reflection in the mirror, yet always appear
immacuately groomed (check out any TSR Ravenloft product cover), then how
do they do apply their evening application of Maybeleed NightShade muskcara
and Eau de Hemogoblin to get those perfect complections in case unexepected
adventurers drop in for dinner?"

My fellow precocious prestidagators and alliterating apprentices would
absolutely appreciate an answer ASAP.

- Mr.  Dual Class, window washer
and magnificent mage -


Dear DCWW,

     I and most other (still living) wizards tend to avoid vampires - and I
don't count 'undead' wizards as still living.  Contrary to popular belief a
vampire is _not_ always perfectly groomed.  When a vampire first arises
from its coffin in the evening it is as scruffy and rumpled as it is short
tempered.  Just because nobody has _lived_ to tell about seeing an unkempt
vampire doesn't mean there aren't any.  This whole 'well groomed vampire'
story is just a myth perpetrated by the same.

---

Dear Sauramud:

     Please say a few words for all of us poor illusionists out there that
feel neglected and abandoned by the "new world order" that we see and hear
so much about.  What's all this crap about specialization, anyway?  You
don't ever run across any true illusionists now, just wizards masquerading
as illusionists (and necromancers, and fire-mages, and conjurors...) How
can a poor gnome make a living as a real illusionist these days?

signed:
     Dis-Illusioned


Dear Dis-Illusioned:

     Eh?  Whatever would possess me to say anything nice about an
illusionist?  Do I look like such a short-wicked lantern to you?  Good
riddance to the illusionists I say - and to all the other wimpy wizard
wanna be's!  The only reason there were illusionists at all is because
gnomes were barred from the Wizard's Guild (there is rather a long bit of
history behind that which I won't get into just now) and started their own
discipline in a snit.  As if that wasn't bad enough, even in your _own_
realm you silly gnomes couldn't get past seventh level!

---

Dear Sauramud:

     A few years ago you published a column that contained a short poem
expounding the joys of a brand new wand of fireballs that you'd rifled from
some tomb somewhere.  I have always loved that poem and have found it very
inspirational at the times when the orcs are bearing down on me.  How about
publishing that one again for all the beginning wizardlings out there that
will probably die before they ever get their grimy hands on one?

signed:
        Wistful Fistful o' Magic

Dear WFM:

Okay, you asked for it.  Here I thought I had finally managed to put this
little poem to rest for good...

     Ode to a Wand of Fireballs that I Pilfered from a Tomb
     ======================================================

               Oh Fire Wand of ebon black
               I pilfered from a dead man's pack
               within that tomb beside the creek
               (the one we looted just last week)
               You stirred my heart and firmed my hand
               with pyrotechnic blasts so grand
               that turned our foes to smoke and ash
               in one great whacking fiery flash
               You served me well and fired true
               until your final charge I blew
               which sad to say was one charge shy
               of wiping out that demon guy.

     ======================================================

You're welcome.

---

Dear Sauramud:

        I'm writing to you about how my new familiar is causing envy and
distrust amonst my fellow adventurers just because it turned out to be an
Imp.  "An Imp," they're saying.  "You only get one of those if yer evil." I
tried to explain about accidental mis-casting of spells, but what do they
know.  Sauramud, I finally get a familiar that isn't slimy or leaves
droppings on my shoulder and this is the result.  I don't want to send it
back because, let's face it, it's a darn good familiar, being hard to kill
and even having useful powers like invisibility and casting suggestion
spells.  A heck of a lot better than the "wide angle vision" of that toad
frog I got last time.  What should I do?

signed:

        Not Evil, Just Misunderstood

Dear Evil Wizard:

     Let me get this straight, you are trying to convince the rest of your
party that you somehow miscast the spell and accidentally got the
embodiment of evil as a familiar?  Well I certainly _hope_ they are not
buying it.  I don't know how stupid you think the rest of your party is but
I don't think that even Joe Fighter would swallow a line like that.  Don't
expect too much sympathy either; I got a CROW!  Since there's no way you're
going to convince the others in the party that you're not evil you might
try explaining the _advantages_ of having an evil wizard in the party.  As
long as there isn't a paladin, ranger or lawful good cleric amongst them,
and assuming their collective intelligence score is about the same as your
shoe size (not unlikely) this approach might work.  Tell them that it
always helps to have somebody in the party who can lie, cheat, steal and
buy poison.  Parties tend to turn a blind eye to incidental acts of evil if
it's for the greater good of the group - and as long as it doesn't hit them
in the money pouch.  You might point out that all wizards act pretty much
alike regardless of alignment; that is, we all cringe behind the fighters,
drink all the healing potions and pawn party magic items to buy spells.
Heck, when you get right down to it I think 'Wizard' should be an alignment
unto itself.

---

Dear Saruamud:

     Finally, after long hours of slogging through a dungeon, I pulled
myself out of that hell-hole only to find the rest of my party had snuffed
it along the way.  Now all the treasure falls to me, amongst which was a
nifty magic sword.  Somehow sword training was missed out by my master, so
I tried to buy training with all my new gold.  Just what the heck is going
on with the warriors, Sauramud?  NO ONE will teach me how to use a sword,
no matter how much gold I offer!  They mumble something about 'rules' and
turn away.  How can a wizard learn to swing a sword in this climate of
supression of knowledge?

signed:

        Frustrated Sword-Swinger

Dear Frustrated Fighter

     FOR GODS' SAKE SNAP OUT OF IF KID!  Why in the heck would you want to
go swinging a sword into battle anyway?  A wizard could get HURT doing that
kind of thing!  It's taken years of propaganda to convince non spell
casters that it's some kind of "advantage" to be able to swing a sword.
Perhaps you should pick up my first book "Magely Ways" in which I devote
almost a whole chapter on how to express disappointment at not being able
to join in close combat with the others while you sit back at a safe
distance sipping espresso between spells.

     There are a number of good uses for a magic sword other than trying to
swing it around yourself and possibly taking your own head off.  Why don't
you track down one of those big, burly fighters with a strength exactly six
times as great as their intelligence (no shortage of those!) and give it to
him on the condition that he let you hide behind him if things get dicey.
If you can't find any fighters you can trust then you can always sell a
nice magic sword for LOTS of nifty spells and magical trinkets that NO
wizard should be without (like a crosshair ring of magic missile control).

---


Greetings, Saramud, how goes life in the middle ages?
   I'm a wizard who was put into magical sleep by some creep about a
century ago, and woke up just recently.  I was prepared for some minor
differences, but totally unprepared for this illogical thing people are
calling "2nd Edition".  Since you have obviously been around for a while, I
was hoping that you could awnser some complaints that have...

1.  Where did all the Half-Orcs go?  There was one h-orc who was perfect I
could ask him to stand in front of the enemies while I prepared a fireball,
and he'd obey.  These days, it seems that fighters use one dice-method or
another to get an IQ of greater than five.  What gives?  Now I have to
resort to the old, "do it or you'll be pissing ants for the next week"
argument.

2.  What's up with these annoying Psionicist guys?  I mean, is this
copyright infringment or what?  Not only can they cast spell-like things,
have a higher minimum IQ than wizards (which really steams me!), and get to
boss around fighters, but THEY GET 1D6 PER LEVEL!  This is completely
illogical, with the power that they have at 1st level, I should be able to
sneez and kill them!

3.  Who started teaching all these stupid little "kits" at MIT (Mages'
Institute of Throwing, fireballs) for Gods' sakes?  I hadn't been awake for
a week before some "specialist" hot-shot challenges me to a match.  After I
fried his "specialist" butt, I went to the nearest MIT representative.  Who
authorized "Militant Wizards"?  Don't you higher-up guys still attend
meetings to protest this stuff?

4.  Who killed all the dorkey monks?  It used to be that I could count on
some suicidal monk to jump into the misdt of a large melee when I faked a
need for help.  Now the only people doing the jumping into combat are the
fighters that I cast Hold Person and Levitation on.

5.  0th level NPCs!  Oh, how I long for the days when even a first level
anything could beat up on a townsperson.  Now it seems that every merchant
is a 1st level fighter with a specialty in cloth or something just as
worthless.  Why does everybody feel the need to put a number greater than
zero in his title?  I've run into SERVING WENCHES that were higher level
than most of my spells.  A chamberlin I heard about yesterday had more
levels than my party's fighters IQs added together!  Now everybody has more
hit points than wizards.

  Well, I'm off.  Some wet-behind-the-ears "specialist" just challenged me
to a game of Magic Missiles.  Hah!  I bet that he can't even tag 10
fighters in one round!

Sincerely, Ri Pvanw Inkle

Dear Ri,

     Since you itemized your questions I will itemize my answers likewise.

1.  Since you were asleep at the time it is not surprising that you missed
_The Big Scandal_ where it was learned that there was a covert operation by
the mages guild to breed fighters for high strength and low IQ.  Half-orcs
were an invention of the guild as they fit into the guidelines rather
nicely.  The other character classes were outraged and threatened open war
against the wizards unless the practice was stopped.  The guild backed down
to avoid a rather messy situation.

2.  Although there have always been psionics, it was only recently that the
"Society for Persons with Psionic Inclinations" applied for full Character
Class status.  How it got granted is beyond me.  Yers truly has psionics
but I don't use them very often (give me a headache - mind you, that
Psionic Blast saved my bacon once).  You don't see me running out to join
this new "character class" though.

3.  I'm afraid this one goes back to that antitrust case brought against
the guild a few years ago.  I still get a little too hot under the collar
to discuss it coherently.

4.  Contrary to popular belief the monks did not all die in silly combat as
has been widely supposed.  The monks are just lying low (_very_ low) until
the Grandmaster of Flowers can properly explain that embarrassing incident
involving two Masters, four Initiates and a goat.

5.  I hate to break this to you but everybody has _always_ had more hit
points than a wizard.  Once a first level wizard has cast his one Push
spell for the day he is on pretty even footing with a giant centipede (if
he can get the drop on it) or a giant rat (if it is tied up and drugged for
him).  If it is any consolation he is marginally tougher than an average
house cat (geez, you mean my _own_ familiar is tougher than _I_ am?).
Putting a level number greater than zero in front of most townees doesn't
change what was already there.

---


Dear Sauramud,

     I have been happily studying in my Tower for the past couple of year
in the Ursal mountains.  I was starting to grow bored and began longing for
the good old days of adventure, scaring locals, watching fighters playing
like they are punching bags and the like.  Also my supplies of herbs has
started to grow low and I needed to get out and find some more Mystic
Mandrake.  So I packed a bag and did my morning exercise of 25-ink pen
lifts with each arm.  Then I went down to set out and when I opened my door
this eerie vapor forced me back into the tower and slammed the door.  I was
completely filled with rage.  I responded with such a thorough battery of
offensive magic that I will have to have two stories of my tower rebuilt as
soon as I figure out my problem.  I still can't leave the tower by any
means.  The only clue I have in this situation is when I cast a minor
inquire spell as to the nature of this despicable force which restrained
me.  I told me that I was not "2nd edition" whatever that meant.  What is
this 2nd edition and how can I achieve 2nd edition status.

Stuck in the mud,
        Honorable Stick

PS This letter was sent through several alternate planes to get there, and
some typos may have crept in during the various translations.

Dear Honorable Stick,

     The best thing to do for this "2nd edition" stuff is to ignore it.  If
you examine it a little further you will find that it has lots of flash but
very little substance.  While it won't go away if you pretend it's not
there you will find that you can wade through it with a little effort.
Most of the effect of this "2nd edition" force is upon the mind of the
individual.  Everybody has become a little sillier.  Some would call this
progress.  Who am I to argue?

---

Dear Sauramud,

     How do you get those nasty stains (which, lets face it, are part of
the trade of an adventuring wizard) out of your expensive embroidered
robes?  I've tried washer women, alchemists, and even priests but nothing
seems to restore my robes to their original finery.  Removing spilled
healing potion is impossible!  What can I do, without just buying new robes
every time I get killed or something?

Signed:
     Practical Prestidigitator


Dear Practical Prestidigitator,

     I'm glad _somebody_ finally asked that question because this is one
that plagued me for years.  As any wizard can tell you, these fancy robes
ain't cheap!  I used to carry two or three sets of robes with me on the
trail so that I could always look my best when casting pyrotechnic marvels
but a sudden change in the encumbrance laws made this impractical.  Thank
the gods for WizKleen - the heavy duty spot remover for the working wizard.
Just a few drops of this industrial strength liquid with water will remove
just about _any_ stain from robes; blood, ichor, acid and even healing
potion.  This miracle cleaner is the product of many years invested in
magical and biochemical research.  WizKleen is moderately safe, only
somewhat environmentally damaging if used in moderation and has proven
reasonably non-toxic in tests on laboratory orcs!  WizKleen should be
available through your guild, or watch for the free sample vial with the
next issue of the 'Wizard Weekly News'.

---

Dear Sauramud,

     HELLLLLLLLLP!  I CONJURED UP THIS THING AND IT'S GOT ME BY THE LEG....

Dear whoever-you-are,

     Since you didn't sign your letter I don't know who to whom I should
address this answer.  Furthermore, since you didn't finish your letter I
don't know your question was going to be.  A bit of logical reasoning has
allowed me to deduce that it pertained to my new book.  I am not at liberty
to disclose too many details at this time, but if I was I would say that
EVERY wizard simply MUST have a copy of it.  You are a total WEENIE if you
don't have one.  Not only will it look good on your library shelf next to
my first book, it will distinguish you as a wizard of SUPERIOR TASTE and
INTELLECT.  Buy one.  Buy TEN!  Give it as a gift to your friends from the
guild.  Buy one for the coffee table at home - it will come in an
ATTRACTIVE, HAND-BOUND LEATHER COVER WITH GILTED TRACERIES ALONG THE
BINDING.  Heck - buy one for the fighter just...  because!  BUY!  BUY!
BUY!  Of course, I would say all these things if I was permitted to speak
of the book in this column, which I am not.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that's all for this installment folks.  As always, send _your_ 
questions for Sauramud to mmcaleese@csr.uvic.ca.  "Sauramud's Advice 
Column" is written by David Braun (David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc.ca)
and Michael McAleese (mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca), A.K.A. "Those Dudes".


Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were:

matth@terapin.com (Matt Houlahan)
GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
Eric Boyd <boyd@colonial.eecs.umich.edu>
and the Orcs in the Hall.
-- 
*     mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca (Michael McAleese) : I speak only for me...       *
  "Man can believe the impossible, but never the improbable." - Oscar Wilde
  (For snooping governments: heroin, cocaine, FBI, CSIS, CIA, albatross...)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives