From: hermit@ucscb.UCSC.EDU (Ron O\'Dell)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
Subject: Re: The Red Dwarf Quotes File
Date: 19 Aug 1992 02:24:43 GMT
Organization: The Pen
Reply-To: keeper@deeptht.armory.com
NNTP-Posting-Host: ucscb.ucsc.edu




I went through and corrected those which my strangely good memory for
dialogue knew were wrong.

Mind you, they all need spelling and punctuation help, but I didn't bother
much with that ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
From 'The End':
Lister: 'You see, I try, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try
         and respect and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a
         smeghead!'
Rimmer: 'Did you hear that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'
Captain:'Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.'
 
   Firstly, Lister's line has "I try and respect Rimmer...."
   Secondly, it was Todhunter -- not the captain.
 
---
 
From 'The End':
'You didn't have the right parents? well whose parents did you have then?'
        - Lister to Rimmer
 
   kill the `well' and `then'.
 
---
 
From '':
Cat:    'Have you seen Rimmer's arm?'
Lister: 'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!'
 
   Speakers are Petersen and Chen.  Episode is `The End'.
 
---
 
From 'Me^2':
Lister: 'Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?'
Rimmer: 'I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.'
++++++
From 'Me^2':
'That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.'
        - Lister to his female counterpart
 
   These are from `Parallel Universe'.
 
---
 
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'That's mine, that's mine, that's mine, someone else can have that piece of
floor, that's mine, and that's mine.  Oooh, I made a lot of things mine, all
I need now is a woman.' - Cat
 
   The line is nothing at all like that.
  "This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
   except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
   is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
   slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
   to see if I can't have sex with something!"
 
 
---
 
From 'Backwards':
'Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd' - Kryten
 
   Not in that story. His "Smee Hee!" lines are in `Camille' and `Quarantine'.
 
---
 
From 'Camille':
'He's got droid rot. He's waving a banana about and calling it an female
aardvark' - Rimmer
 
  "...a banana in front of my face and calling it an aardvark."
 
---
 
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: 'We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can someone
	explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?'
Cat:    'Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
	policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!'
 
  "...suspenders that I don't understand!"
 
---
 
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'You? How did you get into art college?'
Lister: 'The same way you always get into art college.  The same old smegging
	boring normal way everyone gets into art college.  I failed my exams
	and applied....they snapped me up!'
 
   He doesn't say `smegging'.  He does say `usual'.  also "...way you get in."
 
---
 
'A superlative suggestion, sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't 
have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields.  
I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big 
one I thought I'd mention it twice'  - Kryten (in response to the Cat's 
suggestion that they drop the defensive shields)
 
   Episode `Holoship'.  I don't think he says `drawback' -- he says `flaw'.
   First time around, he says, "...with just two minor flaws."
 
---
 
From 'Stasis Leak': 
Holly:  Better to have loved and lost than to have listened to an album 
	by Olivia Newton John.'
 
   "...than to listen to an album...."
 
---
 
Holly:  'Nothing wrong with Dog's milk, lasts longer than any other 
	type of milk.'
 
   "Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
    full of marrow-bone jelly!  Last longer than any other type of
    milk, dog's milk."
 
---
 
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hologram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister explodes ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it was the yellow cable.'
 
   Lister doesn't explode -- he's just electrocuted.  Holly's line ends
   with, "It should have been the yellow cable" or "It should be the yellow
   cable."  (I'm certain on the `should', at least.)
 
---
 
My favorite moment has to be Holly's bit in Me^2; the story about the 
two supra-light fighters from the Norweb alliance, and how Lister owes 
three billion pounds... April Fool... classic!
 
   Super-light-speed ... NorWEB Federation ...  180 billion pounds.
 
---
 
'Your sausages now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.'
 
   "Your sausages, Dave, now cover...."
 
---
 
From 'Balance of Power':
Rimmer: 'I thought the lamb went over rather well.'
Lister: 'Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue
	pie, man, what was that?'
Rimmer: 'I thought you liked that - you brought some back.'
Lister: 'Yea, I wanted to try some out on my athlete's foot!'
 
   Episode is `Better Than Life'.
 
   "The lamb was a bit of a flop, though."
 
   "...and that lemon-meringue pie, man, what was in that?"
   And he doesn't say `yea' -- he says `yeah'.  No, it isn't a matter of
   personal spelling preference.  `Yea' is pronounced like `yay'.  It's
   used like "yea and nay" ... a line in RD: "Yea, though they be made of
   coloured cardboard and have numerous arrows through the top."
 
---
 
From 'Inquisitor':
'I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!' - Cat
 
   "Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy...."
   I believe the episode title begins with `The'.  I'm not certain,
   however, since my tape begins just after the title has scrolled by.
 
---
 
From 'Queeg':
'Holly, you're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican' - Rimmer
[What I think is almost as funny as this line is Rimmer's accent on 
'condom'.]
 
   He doesn't start with `Holly'.  He has no accent whatsoever on `condom' --
   that's a perfectly normal pronunciation.  It's the Americans who say it
   weird, using a `u' sound instead of the `o' that's in the word.
 
---
 
'Lister, if two people come for a job, and one of them's dead, which one 
would you choose?' - Rimmer
 
   This is spoken in past tense.  "It two people came to you for a job...."
 
---
 
From 'Kryten':
'But I was only away for a couple of minutes!'
	- Kryten, on being told that the Nova-5 crew was dead
 
   "My god!  But I was only away two minutes!"
 
---
From 'The Last Day':
'Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?'
	- Rimmer to Kryten
 
   `re-tuning', I think.  A `y' sound is in the word `tune' in that dialect.
 
---
 
The dialogue that begins in RD IV, D.N.A. when Kryten says to Lister 
'I'd like to discuss my penis'
 
   "I'd like to talk to you about my penis."
 
---
 
 
'No vacuum cleaner should give a human a double polaroid.'
 
   "...a human being...."
 
---
 
From 'The End'
Holly: 'Well, she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji ... not 
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path'
 
   "...be much use to you on Fiji now -- not [...] the path with."
 
---
 
Cat (after coming out of the closet): 'He won't find that one, not until he 
changes his boots.' (sees Lister, covers his face): 'Did you get a good 
look at him?  Could you see his face?  Could you spot him in a parade?  
I don't think so.  It could have been anyone.'
 
   " `Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his face? Could you
    spot him in a parade?'  I don't think so -- that could have been anybody!"
 
---
 
Convict: No weapons?
Lister:  No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister:  So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
	 of the gun)
Lister:  (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that.
A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.
 
   "You have no weapons?"
   "No.  Do you?"
   "No."
 
   Then the simulant says something like "Guess what," but my mind is blank
   as to what precisely it is.
 
   "But I lied twice."
   "I didn't think of that."
 
---
 
'That's not a meal that's an autopsy!' - Cat
 
   "This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy!"
 
---
 
From 'Confidence & Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, what separates us from the animals is that we don't
	clean our own genitals with our tongue.
 
   "No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't
    use our tongues to clean our own genitals."
 
---
 
From 'Better than life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say....
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you.... That you're a complete
			and utter smeg head.
Rimmer (suprised):      What! That isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No, it's mine.
 
   "I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!"
   "What?!  This isn't my fantasy!"
 
---
 
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Aliens! Breaking your leg hurts like Hell, right?  Hel....and they broke 
your legs beLOW the knee.....Hello....they broke TWO of your 
legs......Hello to....and putting the puzzle together must mean you!  
Hello to you!'
'Well, I wouldn't like to be around when one of these guys is giving a 
speech!'
 
   "How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  `Hel'.  They do it
    beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it?  They do it twice -- two --
    `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'!"
   "I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!"
 
---
 
'Rimmer, real proper dumplings, when they're properly made do NOT bounce!'
 
   "Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked
    to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!"
 
---
 
From 'Stasis Leak':
Lister:         It's a time hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door. Well, why didn't you say that in the first 
		place?
 
   "It's a hole into the past."
   "Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?"
 
---
 
From 'Kryten':
'His name's not Mr. Arnold - it's _Rimmer_ or smeghead, or dinosaur 
breath, or molecule mind....and if you want to be really mega polite, 
we're talking mega polite here, on those rare and exceptional 
circumstances, you can call him Asshole.' - Lister to Kryten
 
   " `Mr Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead';
    or `Dinosaur Breath'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be really
    mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- on [...]
    you can call him `Arsehole'."
 
---
 
From 'Justice World':
'My god, his head's exploded!' - Cat
 
   Episode name is `Justice'.
 
   "His head burst!"
 
---
 
 
From 'White Hole':
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... would
you like a toasted tea cake?' - The Talking Toaster
 
   His name is `Talkie Toaster'.
 
   "...and that the universe is also infinite...."
 
---
 
From 'Holoship':
Cat:    'Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that
         stuff about the ducks was great, then it went B&W and I fell asleep.'
Kryten: 'That was the cartoon at the beginning of the movie!'
 
   "All that stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then
    it went black-and-white...."
 
   "But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!"
 
---
 
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'What do you do when you want to have sex?'
Rimmer: 'Oh, we go on runs...we watch gardening video's on the ship's vid..'
 
   "We...go for runs? watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid?"
 
---
 
Rimmer: 'Sorry, I must have seemed very boring...about all I said was
        "Geronimo".'
 
   "I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything,
    apart from `Geronimo'."
 
--
 
From 'Holoship':
'Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a
society where you will be forced to have sex with beautiful women twice daily,
on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that slightly tacky? ....
well, clearly I am.' - Kryten
 
   "...you will be compelled to have sex [...] who finds that
    just a little bit tacky?  Well, quite clearly, I am."
 
---
 
Kryten: 'We don't exactly eat currys every night.  In fact, I distinctly
        remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.  Remember? And you
        didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and you loved
        it!'
 
   "We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean. [...]
    and he just yummed it up!"
 
Woman:  'No.  No, I think I'm better where I am.'
Cat:    'But you're dead!'
Woman:  'Exactly, and meeting you guys has really make me appreciate it.'
 
   "...better off where I am.
   "And meeting you guys [...] appreciate it a whole lot more."
 
---
 
From 'Holoship':
'Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart - we'll just not be together.
[pause] I can't believe I just said that.' - Rimmer, talking about Nirvana
 
   "We just won't be together.  I cannot believe...."
 
   The whole joke here is missing -- those words (not quite in that order,
   though) were the last words in the movie they were watching at the start
   of the episode.
 
---
 
From 'Terrorform':
'Kryten personal black box recording.  Time unknown.  Location unknown.  Cause
of accident unknown.  Should someone will find this recording it will shed
light as to what happened here.  My short term memory has been erased.  This I
ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine.  Secondly, due
to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine, my short term memory
appears to have been erased.  This, combined with the erasure of my short term
memory, has left me a little disoriented.' - Kryten
 
   "Should someone find this, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened
    here.  My short-term memory has been erased.  This I ascribe to the
    proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's main engine.  Secondly, due
    to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to
    have been erased.  This, combined with the erasure of my short-term
    memory, has left me a little disorientated."
 
---
 
From 'Terrorform':
(typed)
Lister: 'YOU'RE scared?  How do you think I feel?'
 
   "How d'you think I feel?"
 
---
 
'Sir - a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified service
engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my warranty.
Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that was already open.'
        - Kryten
 
   Change `warranty' to `guarantee'.
   "I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open."
 
---
 
 
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    'Wait a minute, I've got it, they have swam south for the winter.'
Kryten: 'That's birds, sir.'
Cat:    'Birds swim south for the winter !?!?! How do they breath ?'
 
   "Don't fish swim south for the winter?"
 
   `breath' is not a verb.  Line should be: "How do they breathe?"
 
---
 
From 'Back to Reality':
'Hang five guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed
suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind
of link here I can't quite grasp (? obscured by laugh track).' - Cat
 
   It isn't obscured.  I caught it on first viewing.
 
   "...and the fish committed suicide.  There's some kind of a link here,
    but I can't quite put my finger on it."
 
---
 
        overpaid fat arses
        
   `asses' -- not `arses'
 
---
 
From 'Back to Reality':
'This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a
mass murderer and a man in a white nylon shirt.'
 
   `bri-nylon shirt'
 
---
 
Mind Swap       (Lister & Rimmer change minds)
 
   that's `Bodyswap'
 
-- 
--- keeper@deeptht.armory.com (Ron O'Dell)   Do >not< mail hermit!
					     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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