From: sdd.hp.com!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!caen!afgun@hplabs.hpl.hp.com  (Andrew F. Gunnesch)
Subject: HP cafe (was Re: Strange packaging technique)
Organization: CAEN, University of Michigan
Distribution: fj
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1992 16:17:10 GMT
Return-Path: <apollo-list-errors@srvr1.engin.umich.edu>

In article <BtzApG.1o1@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca> gordon@maxwell.uwaterloo.ca (Gordon R. Strachan) writes:
<text deleted>
>Gordon
>
>PS
>Does anybody still have that old "story" about ordering lunch in the HP
>cafateria?  It was around about 2 years and I lost my copy.
>
(I did not write this; IDK who the author is.  I found it hilarious.
 YOUR mileage may vary)
=========================================================================
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the 
service counter was a menu which began... 

MMU's (Main Menu Units) 

0001A    Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. 
         Must order comdiments 00110A seperatly 

   001   Deletes seeds. 
   002   Expands burger to two patties. 

00020A   Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun 
and condiments. 

   001   Add-on bacon. 
   002   Delete second patty. 
   003   Replaces second patty with extra cheese. 

00021A   Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger 

   001   From Single Burger. 
   002   From Double Burger. 
   003   Return credit for bun. 

00220A   Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A 

   001   Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A. 


My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The 
waitress looked at me like I was an alien. 

"How would you like to order that, sir ?" "Quickly, if possible. 
Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?" "No sir. All our 
service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?" I scanned the 
menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?" "The patty is rated at 
eight bites." "Well, how about the rest of it ?" "I dont have the 
specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is 
too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade." 

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 
002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade 
would give you two burgers. 

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress 
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented." 

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a 
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who 
merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 
Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms 
around and looking very excited. 

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable 
option and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!" 

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running 
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my 
attention again. "Have you decided, sir ?" 

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A 
with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down 
for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, 
mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish. 

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "Thats 
not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted 
in again. "Thats not a supported configuration." "What now ?" I 
kept my voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." 
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on 
it." 

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but 
thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger 
won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not 
at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir." 

I checked the overhead scree. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. 
French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are 
English Fries ?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call 
them. We sell a lot of them." 

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." 
The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option 
is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep 
chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the 
shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't 
ask. 

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off belief. "Your 
meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?" 
"Support ?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the 
bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that 
I'll never forget. 

"Implementation assistance ?" 

"You get a waiter." 

"Implementation analysis ?" 

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat." 

"Response Center Support ?" 

"He brings it to your table." 

"Extended materials ?" 

"You get refills." 

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She 
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it 
on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency 
napkin. 

Table ? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. 
He hadn't 
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said "Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to

grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

-- 
Andrew F. Gunnesch           /-\     "I disapprove of what you say, but I will
afgun@caen.engin.umich.edu  |   |  __   __           __    defend to the death
==> Evil CAEN sysadmin <==  |===| |__| |  | |   |   |  |   your  right to  say
 What?  I just work here    |   | |    |__| |__ |__ |__|   it."     --Voltaire
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