From: judy@locus.com (Judy Leedom Tyrer)
Subject: Re: 10-year-old ostracized at school
Organization: Locus Computing Corporation, Los Angeles, California
Distribution: na
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 22:13:04 GMT

In article <1992Oct9.164604.1@stsci.edu> mryan@stsci.edu writes:
>My 10-year-old son Eddie, who has always had trouble making friends, is now 
>being actively ostracized by the other 5th-graders.  For example, when he 
>sits down at a lunch table with other kids, they all get up and move to 
>another table.  No one is overtly picking a fight with him, but they are 
>excluding him from all activities at recess and lunchtime.

Boy can I relate to THAT!  I have no sure fire answers, but I can tell you
some things my Mom did that DID NOT work for me.  

My mother had the belief that you need to solve your problems where you are 
and so changing schools would just be running away from my problems.  WRONG!
In my case many of the problems were brought on because I was a strange
religion, mine were the ONLY divorced parents in the entire school district
(or so it seemed, certainly the only ones in my class), etc.

Once a child has a reputation in school, overcoming that reputation becomes
impossible.  I could have changed into God's gift to the elementary school
and no one would have noticed because I was already labelled geek of the
century and nothing I ever could have done would have changed that.  At camp,
at theater away from this school crowd, etc.  I was very well accepted and
liked.  

I would seriously, VERY SERIOUSLY, consider changing schools, or at least
classes, for your son unless you can straighten this situation out.  Children
are so vulnerable to labels and peer pressure at this age that your son may
well decide that the reason is he is ostracized isn't that the kids are creeps
but that something is fundamentally wrong with him.  This line of thinking 
can become fatal.  From "something is wrong with me" to "the world would be
better off without me" is not as far fetched a  leap of imagination as one
might suspect.  While 5th grade is young for such thinking, if a child enters
adolescence convinced there is something fundamentally wrong with them, serious
mental disabilities can easily follow.

If you talk to your child about how something is wrong with these children who
shun him and how you are so concerned about it you will be willing to remove
him from such hateful people, he will get a whole different picture than if
you expect him to solve this problem himself.  I was taught that I caused
the shunning, not that the people shunning me were jerks.  So maybe I wouldn't
have had to change schools to change this pattern as it was also reinforced at
home by a mother who couldn't comprehend not being popular and who honestly
believed popularity was all important.

Nonetheless, when I was offered a scholarship to a boarding school for Junior
High, I resent my mother refusing to allow me to go.  She told me I must
face my problems not run from them.  IMHO, it was a very bad call on her part.

>
>Eddie said that one boy in his class plays with him every day at his
>after school daycare, but shuns him at school.  I told him to ask this boy
>why.  The boy's answer was, that he doesn't talk to Eddie at school because
>if he did "then Danny won't like me."  Danny seems to be the popular kid,
>admired by all the other kids, and I know he has called Eddie a "wimp".
>I don't know how actively Danny is orchestrating the ostracism.
>

This is a gut response and may not work, but what about inviting Danny and
his family over for a Sunday picnic or something.  Thus Danny might discover
that Eddie is a cool kid.  It sounds like Danny couldn't become more detrimental
to Eddie than he already is.  It's a shot in the dark, but might help.

>Eddie's personality seems to be the reason other kids don't like him.
>He is shy and feels wounded when somebody teases him, and withdraws.
>But this situation, since school started in September, is really bad
>and I don't know what to do.  I called his teacher yesterday and asked
>him to observe what is going on.  I asked Eddie if he wanted me to get
>him switched to a different class, but he said no.
>

Is homeschooling for a year a possibility?  What about a different school 
instead of a different class?  My guess is that Eddie is embarrassed by the
whole situation and being put in a different class would just make things
worse.  A different school would be a whole new experience.  

>Advice from those who have been in a similar situation is appreciated.
>

Whatever you do, help your child's self esteem as it is most likely very 
rocky.  Someone else suggested extracurricular activities with a different
group of kids.  I second this suggestion.  Good luck and keep us posted.

Oh yeah, you might explain to your child the importance of being himself 
regardless of what others think and that popularity is not the be all and 
end all in life.  And what a sad and limiting life Danny is leading by
excluding others without even getting to know him.  


-- 
Judy Leedom Tyrer

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"	- William Blake
Newsgroups: misc.kids