From: dks@sr.com (Dave K. Sprow)
Subject: Re: Do I have ANY right?
Reply-To: dks@srhqla.UUCP (Dave K. Sprow)
Organization: Silent Radio, Los Angeles
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 17:06:04 GMT

In article <bacchus.719048980@mcl> bacchus@mcl.ucsb.edu (bacchus@mcl.ucsb.edu) writes:
>Well, let's keep this quick.  Here's the deal:
>I _just_ broke up with my girlfriend because we are 300+ miles apart. She is
>very lonely, and wants to see other people. I said "go ahead" because I felt
>that it was no right of mine to tell her otherwise, and I told her how I felt,
>and why I said what I did.  Now here is the problem: The first person that she
>gets together with is my BEST FRIEND!  I feel angry and betrayed by both of
>them, but I don't want to lose either friendship, especially the 7-8 year one
>with my best friend.  I know that I can be mad and angry, etc. but do I really
>have any right to feel that way about my ex?  He should have known how I would
>feel, but I told her, and meant it, that she should do what will make her 
>happy.  AM I JUSTIFIED?  HELP ME QUICK!  I am supposed to talk to them both,
>seperately, in the next few days.
>				Thanks in advance!
>				bacchus@mcl.ucsb.edu
>or post replies here, maybe there are others in the same position, but I hope
>not!
>

Well, firstly. I think your feelings are quite normal.  When you break up
with someone, you still have those emotional ties.  They just don't go away 
overnight. And having your ex go out with your best friend is really a
double-whammy.  You feel betrayed 2 ways at once!!  Tough situation. Yet
they are both free to do was they want (as the relationship is over).

So as to whether you have the "right" to feel this way, I don't think is
the real question. You *do* feel that way.  I think most people would feel 
that.  If you feel anything, you have the "right" to feel it.  It's *your*
feeling. The question is what do you *do* with these feelings and how do
you handle the situation?

I can only tell you what I would do, based on the your facts that the friend-
ship is one I'd rather not lose and your keeping in contac with you ex.
First I'd talk with them just telling them what I'm feeling, without
expecting them to change their actions.  If the guy is a friend, he will
be compassionate and understanding.  I'd tell him whatever it is I feel
about his actions, like "Hey, it *looks* like you were just waiting around
so you could make you move.  Is that true?  If not, then what's the deal?
Is this more important to you than our friendship?"  ETC, ETC.  Just be
honest about whatever you feel, in a non-accusatory way. If you do thatm
you're likely to learn a lot about his motivations and that often helps
us/you sort out our own feelings.  Perhaps it isn't abig deal to him;
he figured you guys broke up soi why not ask her out?  Perhaps he's
not such a good friend as you thought. Painful thought, but woldn't you
rather know?

After your discussion, take some time and sort out how you feel then.
Most people , if they want to remain friends with an ex, need at least
6 months to a year of (at best) no contact in order to allow their
emotions to "heal" and just work through the normal grief of a loss,
deal with a new life without that person, and then gradually move into
that life with a new 'gusto'.  At this point you can, if you want,
renew the relationship with your ex as a freind, without the old
emotional bonds (though you may still get an occasional 'twinge").

Becuase of your situation, you may even need to break contact for a while
with your friend. I don't know.  Only you will know. Focus on healing
you own emotions and that should guide you pretty well.  Just ask,
"will x(this action) help me move through this faster is it more likely
to draw out my own helaing process?"  If you need 'space', tell your
friend, "Hey, I still want to be friends, but I'm going to need a break
for awhile in order to deal with all this."

Anyway, good luck.  Tough situation.

David S.