From: lawrence@ctron.com (Gary St. Lawrence)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: THE SECRET ORIGIN OF SARCASTIC LAD (part 1)
Date: 14 Oct 92 20:44:51 GMT
Reply-To: lawrence@olympus.ctron.com (Gary St. Lawrence)
Organization: Cabletron Systems INc.


		*THE SECRET ORIGIN OF SARCASTIC LAD*
                                part 1

        The sun was just creeping over the horizon on the coast of the
western hemisphere of the planet Shekkee II and it was going to be a
good day. A yellow-breasted rass-bird sat on the sill outside the
bedroom of Jo-Nysegy, who had just emerged from the sonic
shower, humming some mindless tune.
        Seeing the bird, he opened the window and gave it some crusts
of bread from the toast he'd eaten just before midnight. The only drawback
about this, his favorite snack - all the crumbs in bed in the morning.
        It was the big day - his final exam in his years upon years of
schooling to become a psychologist. And it was being given by his mentor
and favorite instructor, Prof. Eym A. Jeenyus.
        "Life is good," he thought as he prepared for class.
        Suddenly, on the televid, came a news report of some crisis
on campus. He listened intently for names of victims and where the
crisis was happening. Maybe he could go there and help. He could
evaluate people's fears of whatever the crisis was. He could sit
on a curb and say things like, "Uh huh. And what do you think about
that?"
        "Gosh, I love that kind of talk," he said.
        The accident was in the Psychology Lab building. A rock formed
in Jo's gut. He feared the worst and, being so caught up in his
reaction to the news, didn't even stop to analize the fear.
        When he got to Deranged Hall, the med-techs were loading
a body into the med-craft - the body of Prof. Jeenyus!
        A storm began brewing in the east, the ferocious lightning
and thunderstorms which made Shekkee II anything but a vacation
stop. Jo sank to his knees, crying for the loss of his friend, his
mentor ... his guaranteed A on today's exam. He cursed the storm.
He cursed the freak exploding hamster accident which claimed the life
of Prof. Jeenyus. He cursed everyone and everything and cried to
the heavens for a way to bring the professor back.
        A lightning bolt crackled and arced across the darkening
sky. It grounded on the statue of the the school's founder, which
began to glow white-hot. From the flames and smoke came a looming
figure, clad in black with glowing red eyes with a smoldering
stick hanging from its fanged jaw.
	"So, ya want the old fart back, huh bunkie?" the demon-thing
snarled in a gravelly voice.
	"Who ... what are you?" Jo asked between sobs.
	"Waaaah, who am I? What am I? What are you, Barbara Walters?
I'm the guy what's gonna bring that old geezer back to life for ya.
Geez, leave it to to pick all the smart ones! Get off the ground,
you hockey puck!"
	THe demon-thing presented a card, charred and smelling of
scorched corned beef. It read: Dahn Rrik Ulz: Demon Extraordinaire
and freelance plumber."
	"D-d-demon? Why do I need help from a demon?" Jo asked.
	"Nih-nih-nih-nih-nih-nyaaaaaah," Dahn Rrik Ulz snapped in mock
parroting. "Just shut up and listen, you want that old moth bag to
come back dontcha? Here's all ya gotta do."
	Dahn Rrik Ulz handed Jo a box. In it was a striking outfit,
all black with gold metallic accessories, a belt and a pair of bands for
the wrists.
	"What do I do with this?" Jo asked.
	"We're your parents related or something? Jeesh, you put it
on you goof!" The demon looked to the ground and ranted, "Why do I
bother? Can you tell me that!?!?"
	"What for?" Jo ducked as the demon lashed out, swinging his
knotted fist several inches over Jo's head, an impressive feat for a
demon that stands only 3'4" tall and wears an laughably out-of-style
tuxedo, especially considering Jo being 6'2". 
	"He must be incredibly powerful," Jo thought.
	"Of course I'm powerful you spongehead! Just put the suit on!"
The demon turned his back and crossed his short, flabby arms. "C'mon
c'mon, will ya? I gotta meet a presidential candidate in an hour!"
	"I look stupid in this," Jo said. 
	"Of course ya do! Look, kid, if you're gonna work fer me,
you gotta stop being such a putz! Now, repeat after me: By the power
of Dahn Rrik Ulz, master of the razor-speech and Lord of the One-liner,
I dedicate myself to the humiliation and embarassment of all I
encounter."
	"I'm not going to say that!"
	"Aaah, you ain't gotta say it anyway. I had you the minute
you put that stupid costume on. I just like hearing it, that's all."
Now, c'mere so's I can give ya yer powers."
	Jo approached the demon and winced at the smell of Aqua-
Velva. When he was just a few steps away, the demon swung and cuffed
Jo on the back of the head. He then pinched Jo's cheek and kissed
him square on the mouth."
	"P-tagh! P-toooh! What the hell are you doing, you stinkin'
midget? All this and he smells like a cabbage patch in Korea!"
	Jo's eyes widened with disbelief. "Did I say that?!?"
	"I told ya kid! I own your scrawny butt now. Now, go out
and make me proud! There's people out there just beggin ta get
whapped. An' now that I done give ya these powers, yer the guy to
do it!"
	Without another word, the demon Dahn Rrik Ulz was gone in 
a flash of light and help from a stage hand, whom he slapped.
	"Powers? What powers?!?" Jo called out, getting no answer.
"Jeez, the schmuck was the most obnoxious pug I ever saw. Whatta
mouth on that guy! Now what am I supposed ta do?"
	Jo stamped his foot and suddenly found himself standing in
a three-foot deep ditch. He tried jumping out of the ditch and found
himself in a treetop 40 feet in the air. He started to climb down and
slipped, and found that he simply floated to the ground.
	"Jeez! I really do have powers! I have super-powers!" he said
loudly. "But what do I do now? Waitaminit. I saw those guys on the
televid the other day, what were they called, the Legion of Net.
Heroes? Cheesh, what a bunch of chumps. They could have at least
come up with somethin' that didn't sound like a freakin' comic book!
I'll have to find them. Maybe those spazzes can help me find out
what to do with these powers."
	Jo walked away, cursing people in his path, insulting
everyone who got in his way.
	Dahn Rrik Ulz peered out from behind the statue, grinning
with ugly, yellow teeth.
	"There's a price, stupo! There's a price! (insert maniacal
laughter track here, echoing ominously as the screen fades to black ...)

			end -- part 1
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