From: mcmahon@nd.edu (Sheila M. McMahon)
Subject: ATWT: TAN - Patterns
Organization: OUC, University of Notre Dame
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 17:11:29 GMT

Stay tuned to WOAK for another episode of Patterns.

And now here's your host KIM HUGHES.

Kim: Thank you Don Pardo, and welcome everyone to Patterns. Golly, we have 
     just a super show for you today. Today our topic is "WEENIES... WHAT
     MAKES THEM TICK". So without further ado, lets bring out our first 
     guest. This young lady is known to many here in Yuckdale, and she's
     certainly no stranger to me. She's my daughter, Frantic Hughes Crawford.
     Welcome Frantic!

Frantic: Thank you Mom ... or, I guess it would be more professional of me to
         call you Kim here in the studio...But... I don't know, maybe that
         would be disrespectful of me to call you by your first name... Maybe
         I should call you Mrs. Hughes... But...that sounds so formal...
         OH I'M SO CONFUSED.

Kim: Now calm down Frantic. And tell us. What is it exactly about you that
     makes you such a Weenie??

Frantic: Well, as you can see, I've been pretty indecisive lately. Here I am,
         a trained Psychologist, and I can't even make up my own mind. But it
         all goes back to last year. I was having lustful thoughts about a
         married man, who himself is a textbook weenie. That should have been
         my first clue, but I ignored the warning signs. Anyway, his wife was
         murdered, and within a few months of that event, before the case was
         even solved. I married him.

Kim: Golly Frantic, that was a pretty Weenieish thing to do.

Frantic: I know Mom but I was in love. I dumped a really great guy named 
         McDLT, and after dancing with H2D (my husband) on a beach, I just
         seemed to lose all common sense, and I married the Weenie. And,
         my life has been a roller coaster ever since. Someone was arrested
         and convicted for my husband's first wife's murder. But now, I think
         my husband may have had his first wife killed and framed this man.
         But the really Weenieish thing I did was go back home to my husband
         and sleep with him even though I still had major doubts about him.
         Also, I keep confiding in my family, you included, even though they
         don't seem to believe me. The only one who does believe me is McDLT
         which is causing problems with him in his relationship. But I'm so
         much of a Weenie that I don't even realize it.

Kim: Then how did you know to tell me that Frantic??

Frantic: I don't know Kim. I don't know anything anymore. Anyway, to top it 
         all off, I found out my husband is the father of my sister's child.
         I was even too much of a weenie to pick up the clues they've been 
         leaving for the past year or two.

Kim: Well, golly Frantic, I'm going to have to cut you off right there and
     bring out our next guest. He's K-lip Snyder and he's a confessed Weenie.
     Welcome K-lip, and tell us your story.

Klip: Hi Kim. Hi Frantic. Well, it all started when I got married a couple
      of years ago. My wife kept secrets from me. She had been involved with
      a slime ball named Toenail. But she didn't tell me. She had also had
      an affair with Dinc Laughable while she was married to her first 
      husband, Frank. Anyway when I found out about this, we had a huge fight
      and she slept with my brother Hold'em who is now missing. But that's
      another story. Anyway, we got divorced and she got pregnant with 
      another man's child. I got engaged to another girl, named AnGel. 
      However, I broke up with AnGel and am seeing my first wife again. But,
      unbeknownst to me, the child she had wasn't really a little girl, but
      a little boy named Error whom my sister Ivagotasecretthatpracticallythe
      wholetownknowsexceptthepartiesmostinvolved adopted. And the kicker is
      that he's Hold'em and JoolSlut's son.

Kim: Wait a minute. The wife you were referring to is the SLUT??? 'Nuff said!
     You really are a weenie K-lip. Anyway, it's time to bring out our third
     and final guest. This young lady is a stranger to no one in Yuckdale.
     We celebrate her birthday month every August. I'm referring of course to
     Chilly Snyder, who ironically is K-lip's sister-in-law and Hold'em's
     wife. Welcome Chilly!

Chilly: Thank you Kim and I'm just thrilled to be here. The first step to 
        recovery is admitting that you have a problem so here goes. My name
        is Chilly and I'm a Weenie.

Kim: Golly, Chilly, that takes a lot of courage to admit, especially on t.v.
     Tell us your story.

Chilly: Well first of all, I miscarried our child this past summer, and acted
        like I was the only one who had ever suffered this tragedy. I stayed 
        in bed for weeks and moped around feeling sorry for myself. I acted 
        as though my husband's feelings didn't matter. Anyway, it all came 
        to a head when my husband blew up at me and told me to quit feeling 
        sorry for myself. Kim, I haven't seen my husband since that night. I 
        took time off from work, but instead of hiring my own detectives and 
        looking for my husband myself, I let my mother Juicy do that. And, 
        I'm so much of a Weenie, that I actually believe that she is telling
        me the whole truth. I actually believe that he's on a freighter, 
        instead of in a New York hospital, without a brain and wearing a 
        condom on his head. To top it all off, I let my mother talk me into
        going to work for her at GirlWide Industries, AND going on a business
        trip to Switzerland. I was such a Weenie that it never even occurred
        to me that my mother was trying to get me out of town. And the worst
        of it is that I still don't know that Error is really Hold'em and
        JoolSlut's baby. I mean the whole town knows. Why don't I??

Kim: Golly, Chilly. I can't answer that. I guess the only one who can help
     you is you. Gee we're just about out of time. I'd like to thank our 
     Weenie guests for their courage and for sharing their stories with us.
     If you, or someone you know and love is a Weenie, help is available.
     Just call this number:  1-800-WEENIES. That number again is 
     1-800-WEENIES. Thank you for joining us and be sure to tune in next
     week for another episode of Patterns, when our topic will be
     "WHY ARE THE WALLS SO THIN IN YUCKDALE". Goodbye everybody.


Irish