HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 92 4:30:8 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Cornell Information Technologies
From: FLIX@CORNELLC.cit.cornell.edu ( John Voigt)
Subject: Original, Science humor
Keywords: smirk, science

 *  *  *  *  *   P  R  E  S  S       R  E  L  E  A  S  E   *  *  *  *  *

 April 1, 1992 - Itchyca, NY - For immediate release worldwide

 In an unusual collaboration, scientists at the Conrell SuperNatural
 Computer Facility, the USDA and the Conrell Agricultural College have
 made a startling breakthrough in the gravitational physics field.
 Using technology modelled on giant computers at Conrell and tested in
 the laboratory, the group has succeeded in defying gravity.

 Scientist Elsie Browncow explained how the break came about.  "We were
 examining possible applications of Murphy's famous laws, and we got to
 thinking about buttered bread always falling butter down.  We came to
 the conclusion that butter must have some very special properties
 related to gravity.  Reports of cows jumping over the moon lent support
 to our theory.  Once we were on the right track the rest came easily."

 Local dairy farmers, who have been scratching their heads over the
 large butter orders from the research facility, are ecstatic over the
 discovery.  Evidently, several hundred pounds of butter are required
 to overcome gravity in a region of space of 1 cubic centimeter.  Asked
 about this Dr. Browncow replied, "... well, yes, that's true, but we're
 working on improving the process and are pretty sure we can reduce the
 butter requirement significantly."

 Rumor has it that the CIA and NASA are trying to limit access to the
 process.  Dr. Browncow would not comment on the rumor except to say,
 "The word is out now and if we could figure this out I'm sure others
 will too - that's how science works."  Local dairy farmers have been
 accused of discharging firearms at government vehicles seen near the
 labs lately.  No arrests have been made.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please.
From: darwoon@sfu.ca (Rob Dar-Woon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Sunday school & kids
Keywords: smirk
Date: 23 Jul 92 08:30:04 GMT

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about Noah and his
adventures in the arc.

"So do you think Noah did a lot of fishing?", she asked the
class.

"How could he," said one bright girl, "with only two worms?"

 - From our local Transit information flyer -

-- 
= Rob Dar-Woon   = Simon Fraser University =
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
From: wlamonac@beethoven.helios.nd.edu (william lamonaca)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Joke lists
Date: 22 Jul 92 19:30:52 GMT
Distribution: rec
Organization: University of Notre Dame, Notre Dame

I have got the following files:
	Blonde Jokes
	Deep Thoughts
	Steven Wright Jokes

If anyone wants any of these, let me know.  I'm also looking for Lawyer Jokes,
engineering jokes and manbashing jokes.

	Bill
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: lsh1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Shane Hebert)
Subject: Re: MESSAGE FOR WOMEN
Organization: Mississippi State University
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 13:58:31 GMT


Sorry about the previous message I accidentally forgot to make it humorful.
I was alluding to the Milli Tant thing that went around a few weeks ago.
I did not intend to upset anyone or anything.



+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                   |    Shane Hebert                      | Disclaimer:      |
|    This space     |    hebert@erc.msstate.edu            |    My opinions   |
|     for rent!     |    hebert@ee.msstate.edu             |    are my own.   |
|                   |    lsh1@ra.msstate.edu               |                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Always remember and never forget:  Hmmmmmmmmm, oh well...                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Directions for Use:                                                        |
|           1.  Read message.                                                 |
|           2.  Insert :)s where ever appropriate so the humor impared        |
|               can laugh with us too.                                        |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: dickwin@sequent.com (Dick Winningstad)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Band Names
Date: 26 Jul 92 15:16:40 GMT
Article-I.D.: sequent.1992Jul26.151640.704
Organization: Sequent Computer Systems Inc.

Many years ago there was a band in the area called:

Peter and the Fore Skins


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+Dick Winningstad                                                    +
+                    Italian Wines are Fine                          +
+          I'd rather be on a Moto Guzzi in eastern Oregon.          +
+          Fourth gear curves at 7000 RPM are the greatest!          +
+dickwin@sequent.com                                                 +
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: umehn@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Paula M. Ehn)
Subject: Canadian Joke
Summary: Mulroney Joke
Keywords: Mulroney, taxes
Organization: University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1992 03:52:10 GMT


A little boy was in need of some money to buy
himself a new bike.  He decided to write a letter
to God asking for $500.  Not knowing were to
deliver this letter, a post office clerk 
redirected it to Prime Minister Mulroney in
Ottawa as a joke.  Of course, Mulroney gets too
many letters for him to read them all so one
of his aides read the letter.  Touched by the 
boys story, the aide sent the boy a $5 bill
and a signed picture of Mulroney.  Later,
the boy writes a second letter to God.

"I thank you for your generous gift, but did you
have to send it through Ottawa. That Mulroney took
99% for taxes."


 _____________________________________________________________
| Paula Ehn                   | I teleported home one night   |
| University of Manitoba      | With Ron and Sid and Meg      |
| umehn@ccu.umanitoba.ca      | Ron stole Meggie's heart away |
| paula@inqmind.bison.mb.ca   | And I got Sidney's leg.       |
| VE4 MHZ                     |         - Douglas Adams       | 
|_____________________________|_______________________________|
From: johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Dyslexic Policeman (was: agnostic insomniac with dyslexia)
Date: 22 Jul 92 23:52:13 GMT
Organization: Auspex Systems, Inc.

In article <1992Jul22.153052.11424@Arco.COM> dbgbes@edp.arco.com (Bruce Shellenbaum) writes:
|How about the anorexic dyslexic agnostic. He starved to death pondering the
|existence of dog.

This is only about the tenth time in the last two weeks someone has posted
this joke.  


-- 
+============================================================================++
| John Fereira            "Is that all you ever think about?"                |
| johnf@auspex.com                                                           |
+============================================================================++
Xref: sparky rec.humor:24573 talk.politics.guns:18007
From: lou@netlink.cts.com (Louis Puccio)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.politics.guns
Subject: Re: U
Date: 26 Jul 92 04:34:29 GMT
Organization: NetLink Online Communications, San Diego CA

cdt@sw.stratus.com (C. D. Tavares) writes:

> In article <1992Jul15.135742.9541@exu.ericsson.se> exukozi@exu.ericsson.se (T
> >In article <BrEEH0.3I9@news.cso.uiuc.edu> rls@hepuxa.hep.uiuc.edu (Ray Swart
> >>In article <ASBAIBI.92Jul14161220@jade.tufts.edu> asbaibi@jade.tufts.edu (A
> >>>You fucking asshole [etc.]
> >>
> >>	Ahhh, profanity.  The last refuge of a small mind in a losing position.
> >
> >But look, he's only an arab. Not known for great minds in the first place.
> 
> Tom, when your high-school math teacher told you that "the Arabs invented
> zero," I don't believe you quite grasped what he was trying to convey.
> -- 
> 
> cdt@pdp.sw.stratus.com      --If you believe that I speak for my company,
> OR cdt@vos.stratus.com        write today for my special Investors' Packet...


yes....all that work for 'nothing'!

--                    
INTERNET:  lou@netlink.cts.com (Louis)
UUCP:   ...!nosc!ryptyde!netlink!lou
NetLink Online Communications * Public Access in San Diego, CA (619) 453-1115
Xref: sparky rec.humor:24380 alt.sex:24948
From: perl@dwrsun4.UUCP (Robert Perlberg)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.sex
Subject: Re: Notty Limerix
Date: 21 Jul 92 20:10:49 GMT
Organization: Dean Witter Reynolds Inc., New York

In article <9z=m4#l.tyger@netcom.com>, tyger@netcom.com (Kitty in the Middle) writes:
> Alas, he can't even take credit for writing most of them....they're from
> 101 dirty limericks...forget the author.

I'm not sure if this is the same book I'm thinking of, but I once saw a
compendium of dirty limericks written by (believe it or not) Isaac
Asimov!

Robert Perlberg
Dean Witter Reynolds Inc., New York
{murphy | philabs}!dwrsun4!perl
	-- "I am not a language ... I am a free man!"
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: lsh1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Shane Hebert)
Subject: Re: Baby Joke
Organization: Mississippi State University
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 19:27:11 GMT

What is the difference between a truckload of dead babies
and a truckload of bricks?


You can't unload bricks with a pitchfork!


+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                   |    Shane Hebert                      | Disclaimer:      |
|    This space     |    hebert@erc.msstate.edu            |    My opinions   |
|     for rent!     |    hebert@ee.msstate.edu             |    are my own.   |
|                   |    lsh1@ra.msstate.edu               |                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Always remember and never forget:  Hmmmmmmmmm, oh well...                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Directions for Use:                                                        |
|           1.  Read message.                                                 |
|           2.  Insert :)s where ever appropriate so the humor impared        |
|               can laugh with us too.                                        |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jfreter@triton.unm.edu (The Myth)
Subject: Re: PROGRESS
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 92 01:52:26 GMT
Organization: University of New Mexico, Albuquerque

In article <1992Jul27.181805.20305@dickens.com> jd@dickens.com (Joe Dudar) writes:
>In article <1992Jul24.091524.200@ccsvax.sfasu.edu> z_maraiajj@ccsvax.sfasu.edu writes:
>>IF PRO IS TH EOPPOSITE OF CON, WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF CONGRESS?
>
>sssssssssssssss........ack...gah
>But it does call to my mind the joy of two-party congress.

Someone needs to tell this z_mariajj three things:
1) The prefix _pro_ means for (or support of).  The prefix _con_ means with
   (or along).  The proper opposite of _pro_ is _contra_.
2) It is very annoying to see a post typed in ALL CAPS (Buy a caps lock key
   you *****.  He probably also uses a mac and things it is a quality tool).
3) Don't post old jokes or steal from well known comics (i.e. Gallagher, in
   this case).

Now let the flames of hell (or the poor, misguided mac-lovers) roast away!
From: ian@raven.Centric.Com (Ian Macky)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: wanking euphemisms
Keywords: masturbate
Date: 23 Jul 92 06:50:41 GMT
Organization: Centric Engineering Systems

'burp the worm'

har har!

--ian
From: barb@ufycorp.Unify.Com (Barbara Kane)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: FUNNY NAMES
Date: 28 Jul 92 23:28:44 GMT
Organization: /usr/lib/news/organization

>audience broke out laughing hysterically.
>
>       Her name was GANG BANG  !!! 
>
>    "Is there a Gang Bang in the audience?"
>
>    "We are looking for a Gang Bang."

Not quite as funny, but worthy of note:

I had an Asian friend in Jr. High School.  His name was pronounced "who".  I
can't remember the spelling, but here's an actual conversation with a 
substitute teacher:

"And what is *your* name?"
"Who."
"You!"
"Who!"
"I said, what is your name?!"  (class laughing, teacher irritated)
"It's Who!"
"Look, do you want to go to the Principal's office?" (class histerical)
"No!"
"Then, what is your name?"
"Who!!!"

Well, the class finally began shouting at the poor teacher "Who is his name!"
"His name is Who!!!" until she finally realized what was going on.  Apparently
Who had actually never had that happen to him!
Barbara Kane					              (916) 928-6380 
Unify Corporation				          Fax (916) 928-6410
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   Who is this Anonymous guy, anyway?
Xref: sparky rec.humor:24724 alt.sex:25341
From: mailman@atex.kodak.com (Paul Mailman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.sex
Subject: Re: Notty Limerix
Date: 28 Jul 92 10:50:34 GMT
Article-I.D.: APS.1992Jul28.105034.18204
Reply-To: mailman@atex.kodak.com
Organization: Atex, Inc.
Originator: mailman@groucho


In article <tclmf2_.tyger@netcom.com>, tyger@netcom.com (Kitty in the Middle) writes:
> >I'm not sure if this is the same book I'm thinking of, but I once saw a
> >compendium of dirty limericks written by (believe it or not) Isaac
> >Asimov!
> 
> Oh gosh, I haven't the foggiest! Anyone else help out on this one?
> 

Indeed, Isaac Asimov (a confirmed lech) wrote a short book called "Lecherous
Limmericks". They are quite funny, often somewhat intellectual (should
come as no surprise, considering Asimov), some quite bawdy.

One of my favorites (I missed the post that started this thread, so 
apologies if this is a rerun):

A woman from North Carolina
Strung fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
With proper-sized cocks,
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
-- 
 ......................................................................
 Paul Mailman                       My _other_ Email address doesn't  .
 work: mailman@atex.kodak.com       need a disclaimer!                .
 .home: pmailman@genesis.nred.ma.us  ..................................
From: che238n@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: BarTrek Rules
Date: 30 Jul 92 10:44:59 +1000
Organization: Computer Centre, Monash University, Australia

In article <96mm_y-@lynx.unm.edu>, bdombrow@triton.unm.edu (brent m 92jun08 dombrowski) writes:
> 	Does anyone out there have the complete bar trek rules.  If so could you
> e mail them to me.  
> 
> Thanks in advance,
> 
> Brent Dombrowski (bdombrow@triton.unm.edu)

THERE ARE NO RULES!!!!!
From: kellsworth@pbs.org (Col. Dennis Bloodnok, O.B.E.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Headline of interest, almost...
Date: 22 Jul 92 12:25:28 EDT
Organization: Department of Redundancy Department

Seen in yesterday's (July 21) Washington Post:

	COUNTY LIQUOR CLERKS LOSE CASE

I was really feeling sorry for them until I read the article and
found that it was some silly court thing.  I was ready to go and
help them look for it!

-Keith "pour me another one, hold the ice!" Ellsworth
From: che238n@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: FUNNY NAMES
Date: 30 Jul 92 10:44:19 +1000
Organization: Computer Centre, Monash University, Australia

In article <e51fxwu@Unify.Com>, barb@ufycorp.Unify.Com (Barbara Kane) writes:
>>audience broke out laughing hysterically.
>>
>>       Her name was GANG BANG  !!! 
>>
>>    "Is there a Gang Bang in the audience?"
>>
>>    "We are looking for a Gang Bang."
> 
> Not quite as funny, but worthy of note:
> 
> I had an Asian friend in Jr. High School.  His name was pronounced "who".  I
> can't remember the spelling, but here's an actual conversation with a 
> substitute teacher:
> 
> "And what is *your* name?"
> "Who."
> "You!"
> "Who!"
> "I said, what is your name?!"  (class laughing, teacher irritated)
> "It's Who!"
> "Look, do you want to go to the Principal's office?" (class histerical)
> "No!"
> "Then, what is your name?"
> "Who!!!"
> 
> Well, the class finally began shouting at the poor teacher "Who is his name!"
> "His name is Who!!!" until she finally realized what was going on.  Apparently
> Who had actually never had that happen to him!
> Barbara Kane					              (916) 928-6380 
> Unify Corporation				          Fax (916) 928-6410
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>                    Who is this Anonymous guy, anyway?


Who's on first, What's on second

Third?

I don't know

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: calving@netcom.com (The Lindsay-Geyer Corp)
Subject: Conversation Non Sequitur
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 92 09:22:51 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

This really happened:

S:  I sent you a fax.

CalvinG.:  I did not receive a fax from you.

S:  Something's wrong with your machine.  It's important that you get it.

C:  What was in the fax?

S:  None of your business!

C:  But you said it was important that I get the fax.

S:  Yes.

C:  So tell me what it says, if it's so important?

S:  It is important, and it's none of your business!

C:  You sent it to me, yet it's not my concern?

S:  Thats right!!!


While I am just as confused as amused, I thought I should share this with the rest of the world.

CalvinG
From: ecu04@seq1.keele.ac.uk (S.H. Song)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: REQUEST for BLOND JOKE
Date: 21 Jul 1992 17:35:55 -0500
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.utexas.edu
X-Unparseable-Date: Tue, 21 Jul 92 23:34:24 WET DST

Hello.....everyone
I deleted the file of blond jokes , Would you send me copy of it please

And If someone have the Ultimate .sig file , could you send me it as
well ?

Thanks in advance.
from ecu04@uk.ac.keele.seq1
-- 

  * *     * *     # #       ________ ____  _    _ ____     _______  .    .
   ^       ^       o       /______  /   / / \  / / __     /______  /___ /
  ~~~      V       O    ________/  /___/ /   \/ /___/ . _______/  /    /     
UNIVERSITY OF KEELE 
Email :ECU04@UK.AC.KEELE.SEQ1    GamSaHabNiDa!!       FROM S-H SONG
                                                  
                                                             

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life  2.V
Date: 31 Jul 92 03:45:04 GMT
Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com


     At this point in my collection I had a subset of the Tom Swifties
Mark Israel has built up.  He has asked that I not include this in 
my collection.  If you would like to get the latest version of his 
Tom Swifty file, send him a message at:

userisra@mts.ucs.ualberta.ca
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: b645znc@utarlg.uta.edu (Tamara)
Subject: mailing list
NewsSoftware: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: The University of Texas at Arlington
NntpPostingHost: utarlg.uta.edu
MessageID: <12JUL199214230115@utarlg.uta.edu>
Date: Sun, 12 Jul 1992 19:23:00 GMT
X-Bytes: 68

  Add me to the mailing list....

 address : b645znc@utarlg.uta.edu
From: peterme@ocf.berkeley.edu (Peter D. Merholz)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: The most disgusting joke in the universe
Summary: can you say "fellatio"? I knew you could!
Date: 25 Jul 92 01:57:40 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley Open Computing Facility
NNTP-Posting-Host: earthquake.berkeley.edu


How do you know when your sister is having her period?







When your dad's dick tastes funny.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: lsh1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Shane Hebert)
Subject: Re: Requesting sexist jokes
Organization: Mississippi State University
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 13:20:19 GMT

suziq@pyrite.SOM.CWRU.Edu (Sue Kwak) writes:

>Since we have a request for sexist jokes against the women.  I'm
>requesting sexist jokes against men.

This isn't an "If you can do it, I can do it too" type thing is it?  :)
Actually, I saw a book in either B.Dalton or Waldenbooks the other
day that was on this subject.  It was right along side the book called
_What Men Know About Women_ (which was filled with blank pages).
I can't remember the name of the jokes about men book though.

>Thanks,
>sue
>--
>Sue                          |"I may be a bitch, but at least I'm good at it"
>suziq@pyrite.som.cwru.edu    |"We believe man first walked upright so that he
>_____________________________|could free his hands for masturbation"
>"Help the economy ... Buy me dinner"              ^
                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^-- after this?_|
					I doubt it......  :)
					(although that is pretty funny)

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                   |    Shane Hebert                      | Disclaimer:      |
|    This space     |    hebert@erc.msstate.edu            |    My opinions   |
|     for rent!     |    hebert@ee.msstate.edu             |    are my own.   |
|                   |    lsh1@ra.msstate.edu               |                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Always remember and never forget:  Hmmmmmmmmm, oh well...                  |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Directions for Use:                                                        |
|           1.  Read message.                                                 |
|           2.  Insert :)s where ever appropriate so the humor impared        |
|               can laugh with us too.                                        |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: abw@dsbc.icl.co.uk (Andy Wardley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: sexist jokes
Keywords: oragasm, how many times
Date: 31 Jul 92 08:09:59 GMT
Organization: International Computers Limited

In article <....> dp35@mc1adm.UWaterloo.ca (Greg Moore) writes:
>In article <725@dsbc.icl.co.uk> abw@dsbc.icl.co.uk (Andy Wardley) writes:
>>>>Don't you mean Melanie Griffith?
>>>Don't you mean Meg Ryan?
>>Don't you mean Billy Crystal?
>Don't you mean Crystal Gayle?
Don't you mean Crystal Ball?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: RFowler@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov (Robert A. Fowler)
Subject: Re: sexist jokes
Summary: Oh, you are such a liar!
Keywords: oragasm, how many times
Organization: Jet Propulsion Laboratory
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1992 01:51:31 GMT

In article <1992Jul29.162916.1@gallua.gallaudet.edu> 11srust@gallua.gallaudet.edu (Scott A. Rust) writes:
>       Oh Please! spare us your lies! You have obviously not
>               seen "When Harry Met Sally", eh?


>       (Goldie Hawn did a hellofan impression, didn't she?)

Don't you mean Megg Rian?
    _________________________________________________________________
                        
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Newsgroups: rec.humor