From: 00rmosadczuk@bsu-ucs.uucp
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Some replies and a few questuions
Date: 15 Apr 92 03:08:59 GMT
Article-I.D.: bsu-ucs.1992Apr14.220859.6404

In article <cloister.702757492@milton>, cloister@milton.u.washington.edu (cloister bell) writes:
> ladyhawke:
> have you been reading the recent sex/power thread?  there is a lot of
> discussion there about some of the issues you mention -- about 'consenting' (i
> don't want to use that word, but i can't think of a better one at the moment.
> it has the wrong connotations although its strict interpretation is useful
> here) to the abuse, about feeling shame over it, about the abuse feeling
> pleasurable, etc.  if these articles haven't expired on your site, i would
> reccomend that you read them.

Yes, I have been, and still do read them....

> 
> if they have expired:  in a nutshell, it's not your fault.  you were 3-6 years
> old, as you say.  you could not provide informed, adult consent to engage in
> sexual activity with an adult.  yes, you were raped.  it's not your fault.
> children are very succeptable to subtle suggestion and manipulation by adults
> that they can be made to think that practically anything was their idea, or
> that they are to blame for something, etc.  don't buy into it, because it's not
> true.  you were no more responsible for that than you would be if an earthquake
> happened right after someone convinced you to jump off a chair.  genital
> stimulation, even in an abusive context, can feel good.  that's just normal
> human physiology.  unfortunately, these good feelings can lead to a lot more
> confusion in the child's mind as to what's right and wrong, good and bad.  but
> you're an adult now, with adult reasoning facilities, so you can think your way
> out of this one.  look at the facts as they are, and try not to make unfair
> judgements against yourself.  hang in there, and e-hugs if you want them.
> 
> this is a very brief synopsis from memory.  i still suggest you read those
> articles if you can.
> 
> -- 
> +-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+
> |tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature.  | cloister@u.washington.edu |
> +-------------------------------------------------+---------------------------+

The articles are VERY helpful, but I will admit that they still do confuse me
(well, more correctly not me, but my inner-child - I guess you would call
her that).  You see, I can RATIONALISE very well, as most abused people can, I
believe that that is one of the first things that we learn to do, in order to
protect our sanity.  I have started in counciilling, and it scared me some, I
don't really like dealing with myself, I prefer to give to others and ignore
me (another thing I think can probably be blamed on the abuse).  I am slowly
trying to teach me that I am not to blame.  i now realise that the most
important thing for me now is to deal with the past, until that is taken care
of the relationship that I want with my SO can not be truely full.  I am
realising that *I* have to be in charge of my life, and that no one else can do
anything for me...  As for the sex/power thread, I do read the posts, I am just
a little scared of responding to them, I am afraid I will get too emotional,
and you people don't deseve that!  ;-)  My SO and I talked about the "need for
affection"  problem, and have come up with a, IMHO, decent solution, it may not
be the best solution, but it is one that we think may work.  From now on when
we are together both of us refuse to do anything because it is what the other
wants, he and I both in our hearts have to feel the need/want to do what we do. 
Ergh, that didn't come out right, what I mean is that (Bad example coming up)
when we are together and either I or he needs to be held ro kissed or made love
to, etc. it is not the others responcibilty to do so because the other wants
it.  If either he or I thinks that the others reasons are wrong, or they just
don't/can't do anything because they don;t feel it then we don't....

ERGH that STILL didn;'t come out right...

For those of you that understand my consistant babbling, do you think this is
a good solution?  Opinions/Suggestions ALWAYS appreciated!

Thank you for caring Cloister!

IN friendship and love,

Ladyhawke 

E-hugs to all who want them (no, you don't have to NEED them, just WANT them ;)