From: chrz@tellabs.com (Peter Chrzanowski)
Subject: Re: QUIET?...advice with kids...
Organization: Tellabs, Inc.
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 23:28:53 GMT

In article <51920002@hpdmd48.boi.hp.com>, karlf@hpdmd48.boi.hp.com (Karl Fengler) writes:
> Well here I am in "alt.parents-teens", which I found with help from,
> Kathy Cousins. Thanks Kathy.
> 
> I would like some insite on kids age 11 & 14, a boy and girl.
> 
> It goes like this, we've been dating for ~3 month. The kids were in Calif.
> when we met. Let me start with this, basically I feel they're OK kids.
> 
> Mom's been divorced for ~7 years, living in Boise Id., dad's in Calif.
> She's raising them alone, basically. I appreciate how difficult it is to
> this. 
> 
> I've been divored 10 years, never had kids, I like kids, never had problems
> in getting close to them. (in the past they were younger)
> 
> My observasions here are this:
>            1. Both kids lack respect for mom.
>            2. The language they use towards mom, in my opinion, is
>               unacceptable.
>            3. I sence jealousy from the boy, for taking time away from mom.
>            
> I realize it's easy for me to see and comment on these things, and not
> having to have delt with this type of situation.
> 
> What I would like advice with is, how can I get close without it being
> as if I'm budding in? Also I just want any advice as to how kids behave,
> so I can see where they're (the kids) are coming from.


Most likely where they're coming from is that they figure you are, or
soon may be, butting in ...  The fact is, you have a choice about 
becoming involved with the kids, but they may not have much choice 
about being involved with you. 

it's very unlikely they'd see your (or any man's) presence in the
house as something positive.  I realise that's not the way you'd
like it to be, but that's almost certainly the way it is.

The way to play it is to avoid too much involvement with the kids,
especially at first:  make sure you don't invade what they consider
"their" space and, when you are involved with them, try to see to it 
that your involvement is a positive experience -- from THEIR viewpoint.
Don't let their mom use you as the 'heavy'!

Your relationship with this woman may or may not lead anywhere; I surely
wouldn't know: but you should know that few things are as difficult
difficult as becoming a new stepfather to kids in their early teens.

The point isn't that you shouldn't do it; rather, the point
is that you should evaluate the situation realistically, decide if
this is something you really want to do given a realistic view of
how difficult it will be.  The fact is, you may never get along
with those kids,  but even if things go as well as possible you can
expect a few unpleasant years.  

This just isn't a good place for romantic illusions.  The kids 
will have many good (from their perspective) psychological reasons 
to make life hard for you, and very few reasons to make your 
relationship with them rewarding.  You'll have to accept them as they 
are, not as you might wish them to be. 

A trip to the local library would be a good idea; see what you
can find out about other people's experiences here, so that
you can have realistic expectations.