HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
Organisation: European Space Technology Centre (E.S.T.E.C)
Date: Thursday, 3 Sep 1992 11:03:06 CET
From: <TPATTERS@ESTEC.BITNET>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Snake jokes puh-lease!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when the Lone Ranger
has to pop behind a rock to answer a call of nature (go for a piss!). Suddenly
he comes running out clutching his prick in his hand and screaming "Tonto, Tont
o - I just get bitten by a rattlesnake on the end of my dick!!! What shall I
do? Help me!!"

Tonto says, "Me shallum ride to town. Find um doctor!". So he rides off to the
nearest town.


"Doctor , doctor ! Um Lone Ranger has been bitten by um rattlesnake. What shall
um me do?"

"You have to suck out the snake poison ," says the doctor. "I would help, but
there's a plague epidemic in town. You'll have to do it yourself"!"

So Tonto rides back to where the Lone Ranger is lying on the ground, looking
very pale and weak.

"Hey, Kemosabe, exactly where did um snake biteum you?"

"He bit me on the end of my prick! What did the doctor say, Tonto my friend?"

"He said you gonna die, Kemosabe!!"

<< Tim >>
From: wboatclb@ccvax.ucd.ie
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Need Dan Quayle jokes...
Date: 28 Aug 92 11:35:55 GMT
Organization: University College Dublin

In article <1992Aug27.160743.17220@smartstar.com>, syspb@smartstar.com (Paul) writes:
> Dan Quayle was asked if he would ever run for President.  He said that
> he would consider running in 1994, but he wanted to see if George Bush 
> gets re-elected first.
> (The election is in 1996 Danny Boy!)
                                    
  Ah come on now, let's be fair to Danny.

 He said that he'd _consider_ running in '94,
 i.e. decide in '94 if he'll seek nomination
 for '96.  Get-it?
                                    
 ObJoke: President Quayle    (Sorry, I know it isn't funny for most of
                              you, but on this side of the Atlantic it
   ,                          gets a good laugh :-) )
 Slan
         
 Rob.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: Brian R. O'Hern (BRO'HERN)
Subject: UOD Adult Course listing
Followup-To: same
Reply-To: ohernb@lonexb.rl.af.mil
Organization: USAF Rome Laboratory
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 11:18:19 GMT
Expires: soon


                         University Of Detroit Extension
                                   At Rome, NY
                      NEW ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES FOR 1992
                                 WINTER SCHEDULE

SELF IMPROVEMENT

SE100     Creative Suffering
SE101     Overcoming Peace of Mind
SE102     You and Your Birthmark
SE103     Guilt Without Sex
SE104     The Primal Shrug
SE105     Ego Gratification Through Violence
SE106     Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
SE107     Dealing With Post-Fertilization Depression
SE108     Whine Your Way To Alienation
SE109     How To Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation


BUSINESS AND CAREER

BU101     "How I made $100 in Real Estate"
BU102     Money Can Make You Rich 
BU103     Packaging and Selling Your Child
BU104     Career Opportunities in El Salvador
BU105     The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BU106     How to Profit from Your Own Body
BU107     Tax Shelters for the Indigent
BU108     Looter's Guide to American Cities
BU109     Mortgage Reduction Through Arson


CRAFTS

CR101     Self-Actualization Trough Macrame'
CR102     Needlecraft for Junkies
CR103     Cuticle Crafts for Money
CR104     Gifts for the Senile
CR105     Bonsai Your Pet


HOME ECONOMICS

HE400     How to Convert Your Vacuum Cleaner into an Automatic Rifle
HE401     How to Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
HE402     Burglarproof Your Home With Cement
HE403     Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE404     Sinus Drainage at Home
HE405     How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
HE406     Christianity and the Art of R.V. Maintenance
HE407     Needlepointing with Cat Hair


HEALTH

HL202    Creative Tooth Decay
HL203    Exorcism and Acne
HL204    The Joys of Hypochondria
HL205    Suicide, Your Health, and Clean Underwear
HL206    Skate Yourself to Regularity
HL207    Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
HL208    Self-Embalming Made Easy and nexpensive


All classes are $250.00
Class dates and times TBA.
Make checks payable to CASH.



Last Name,          First                       Birthdate


Address                                         Telephone #


City                 State    Zip               Course #'s Desired

BRO'HERN (Electronics Engineer)
____________________________________________________________________________
           STD DISCLAIM APPLIES ('disClaim dat I make is no lie...)
Unless otherwise noted, I say what I say about what I think or thought with
total disregard for what the U. S. Air Force says or thinks and vice versa.

____________________________________________________________________________
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.polish,alt.censorship
From: miket@unislc.uucp (Michael Thompson)
Subject: Re: Polack joke
Reply-To: miket@unislc.UUCP (Michael Thompson,B2C04,4560)
Organization: Unisys, Salt Lake City
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1992 19:30:27 GMT

In article <Btv90D.57H@ireq.hydro.qc.ca> beaurega@ireq.hydro.qc.ca (Denis Beauregard) writes:
>In article <1992Aug28.143248.1673@unislc.uucp> miket@unislc.UUCP (Michael Thompson,B2C04,4560) writes:
>>
>>Marek,  sorry, I made a false assumption that our international friends knew
>>what BBs are.  A BB gun is an air powered rifle that shoots very small metal
>>balls called BBs.  They are about one-eighth of an inch in diameter.  Sorry,
>>I don't know what that equates to in metric measurements.
>>
>>Mike
>
>Something like a TP44?  Two 22 taped (by masking tape) together.

In an effort to clarify what a BB gun is I wandered over to see a British
colleague of mine who has been living in the US for some time.  I hoped he
would be able to help me explain it.  I ended up trying to explain it to him 
as well - SIGH!

I'm not sure what a TP44 is; however, a BB (Ball Bearing) gun is a very
low powered air rifle.  Like I said before a BB is very small, ~one eighth
of an inch in diameter.  The gun is fired by manually pumping up the pressure
in the gun prior to shooting it.  BB guns are generally used by children for
shooting at birds at close range.  I hope this explanation helps.  

Mike
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: wilsonk@infonode.ingr.com (Keith Wilson)
Subject: Diaper Wipes
Organization: Intergraph Corporation, Huntsville, AL.
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 13:57:19 GMT

Folks, when was the last time you actually wiped a diaper?

Aren't these devices really "butt wipes"???

Keith (we now return you to your regularly scheduled fat jokes) Wilson

From: ngsw@hpsgm2.sgp.hp.com (Ng Soon Wei)
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 06:49:13 GMT
Subject: Re: Snake jokes puh-lease!
Organization: HP Singapore Notes-Server
Newsgroups: rec.humor

This is a Test. Please ignore. Regrets.
From: daves@comp.lancs.ac.uk (Dave Stow)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: MIPS
Date: 4 Sep 92 17:57:44 GMT
Organization: Department of Computing at Lancaster University, UK.

daves@comp.lancs.ac.uk (Dave Stow) writes:
>Could someone mail me the list of the meanings of MIPS???

Okay - I admit - I didn't make this entirely clear...

Thanks to all those people who have mailed me to tell me that
a) This must be in the wrong newsgroup
b) MIPS is Millions of Instructions per Second

BUT

what I was after was the list of "humourous" versions:

I remember:
MIPS - Meaningless Information Propagated by Salesmen
and    Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed

but there were more - anyone got a list? - anyone feel creative enough to
make some up?

Cheers
Dave

--- daves@comp.lancs.ac.uk ----------------------------------------------------
Dave Stow, Comp. Dept. SECAMS, Lancaster University, Lancs, LA1 4YL, UK
     Tel: +44 (524) 65201 ext. 3142           Fax: +44 524 381707
--------------------------------------------- B5(6.5) f- t- g+ k+ s+ e r p ----
From: dos@major.panix.com (Dave O'Shea)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Practical Jokes
Date: Wed, 02 Sep 92 21:42:49 EDT
Organization: Hurts rent-a-dungeon, Inc.

eric_gorr@coglab_psych.uoregon.edu (Eric Gorr) writes:

> I am looking for some creative, but not evil (ie. the person will want to
> kill you), practical jokes...
> 
> Anyone got any?

Try chasing them around with a large automobile. Good for lots of laughs, 
and guaranteed to get them mighty pissed.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: aki <aki@atlas.worldbank.org>
Subject: Re: Completely non-ethnic joke
X-Xxmessage-Id: <A6C14AD6580A2631@akidamme-233324.worldbank.org>
X-Xxdate: Wed, 26 Aug 92 19:51:02 GMT
Organization: World Bank
X-Useragent: Nuntius v1.1.1d8
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 18:57:02 GMT

In article <2378@tymix.Tymnet.COM> Fil Feit, filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM
writes:
>Btw, here in DC, there's a DJ who regularly tells jokes about a "dumb"
>ethnic group: West Virginians.  I wonder how he built that up.  Or if the
>jump from hick->dumb came about more or less naturally.
>
guh guh guh guh!
Greaseman!




******************************************************
                                                     *
      -aki                                         *   A tank of gas, a
pair of
      DoD#0628                               *   gloves, a helmet on my
      ------------------------     *   head and a motor between
       Disclamer: Comments are my  *   my legs..folks, it don't git
       own..my employer doesn't        *   no bettern' this....
      understand them...                    *
******************************************************
From: HCM100@psuvm.psu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: bumper stickers we'd like to see
Date: 2 Sep 92 04:23:01 GMT
Organization: Penn State University

A long time ago I saw little stickers for sale about the size of one of
those hearts on the nauseating bumper stickers.

They had a picture of a screw on them.

Aparantly you could put them over the hearts on other peoples cars.

I <screw> my dog.

| HANS C. MASING                   | A BAD ATTITUDE IS THE      |
| HCM100 @ PSUVM.PSU.EDU           | DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE     |
| MANAGEMENT INFORMATION SYSTEMS   | WAY I THINK AND THE WAY    |
| PENN STATE UNIVERSITY            | YOU THINK I SHOULD THINK.  |
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: sluzy@mksol.dseg.ti.com (Ray Sluzewicz)
Subject: Re: Old Joke
Organization: Texas Instruments, Inc
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 23:51:14 GMT

In article <BtM0A2.Bux@cd.com> mike@cd.com (Mike Heins) writes:
>
>I tried this old one (seen recently in Microprocessor Report) on a
>young acquaintance, first asking him if he knew anything about
>computers:
>
>	Whats the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car
>	salesman?
>
>
>
>	The used-car salesman knows when he's lying.
>
>
>He didn't get it.  I guess you have to be the beneficiary of a
>buzzword-filled spiel by some completely unenlightened salesperson.
>

Uhhh... I think the punchline could also be..

        The used-car salesman at least has driven a car.

Ray
From: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Confucios Say?!
Date: 31 Aug 92 17:06:29 GMT
Reply-To: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
Organization: Schlumberger/Anadrill Sugar Land, TX

------------------------------------------------------------------

Confusious say: Secretary who confuse food processor with word processor, mince
words. 

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mccoy@deneb.uucp (Daniel J. McCoy)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Jokes from Kindergarten
Date: 26 Aug 1992 23:47:44 GMT
Organization: Loral Space Information Systems

In article <BtLEKs.7ox@wm-mercer.ca> bakowskr@wm-mercer.ca (Ron Bakowski) writes:
>What's pink and wrinkled and walks on rocks?
>... a pink-wrinkled-rock-walker!

What happens when you throw a green rock in a blue ocean?

It gets wet.

-- 
    __                   _     ___      _ _ _      __
   /  ) Daniel J. McCoy //    (   >    ' ) ) )    /  )
  /  / __.  ____  o _  //      __/_     / / / _. /    ____  ,
 /__/_(_/|_/ / <_<_</_</_     / / o    / ' (_(_ (__/ (_) (_/___
Xref: sparky rec.humor:27388 talk.bizarre:28043 comp.misc:3449
From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,talk.bizarre,comp.misc
Subject: Re: Are you STILL a Computer GEEK?
Date: 31 Aug 92 13:25:40 +1200
Organization: University of Waikato Computer Centre

In article <la2p4lINN79n@almaak.usc.edu>, ajayshah@almaak.usc.edu (Ajay Shah) writes:
> 
> A Real Hacker doesn't hang out with peecees :-)

Oh, that's right, I did forget the double-d bonus question:

11.	How do you get your rocks off best?
    a.	Watching Male/Female Swimsuit Revue
    b.  Reading "Forum"
    c.  Torturing Next-door's cat with a buzz-saw
    d.  Getting involved in net flame-wars about what computer is the
	best and why, wars that degenerate into "OH YEAH, WELL I'D LIKE
	TO SEE YOURS DO...."


              /\                                                             
   /\    /\/\/  \/\/\      /\  /\/\        /\                /\            /\  
__/  \/\/            \/\/\/  \/    \/\/\/\/  \  /\/\/\/\/\/\/  \/\      /\/  \ 
A 117 part secret message from Simon Travaglia\/spt@waikato.ac.nz \/\/\/
  /\          /\University of Waikato, Private Bag, Hamilton, New Zealand
\/  \    /\/\/  \/\/\      /\  /\/\Ph: 064-7-838-4008/\  /\  /\    /\      /\ 
     \/\/            \/\/\/  \/    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/  \/  \/  \/\/  \/\/\/  \ 
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 
 marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite
 another  to  say  "I've got a semantic theory",  but,  ah, those who can claim 
 "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
		-- Randy Davis
From: jiang@cs.arizona.edu (Howard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Oh No More Star Track!
Keywords: !kcarT ratS eroM oN hO
Date: 1 Sep 92 00:40:11 GMT



>> 
>Subject: Re: Oh No More Star Track
>Keywords: oh no more star track
>
>The Subject line has been fixed
>    was it "Oh, no more Star Trek," "Oh no, more Star Trek", or what?
>    It's TREK, you dwebe! (Christ, Star Track is an embarrasing 
                    ^^^^^
Don't fix the subject line. Oh No More Star Track... OH NO MORE LEMMINGS!!!
STAR TREK -> STAR TRACK... THESE ARE PARODIES YOU DORK!

>        mistake for a sixth grader!)
>The Keywords line was deleted as it was redundant.
>> 
>But suddenly, Warped, the Klingon hero takes command of the deck.  In epic
>Klingon style, Warped destroys the Bird of Prey's guns and transporters
>in one shot while avoiding any damage to the rest of the ship: Seizing
>the opportunity, Warped then beams Tomalockette's jealose lesbian lover
>to the bridge and proceeds to satisfy her deepest lusts.   After the 
>Romulan dike has had all she can take and is lying on the deck in utter
>exhaustion, Warped, in total frustration at her fragility, beams over
>to the Bird of Prey and proceed to have wild screaming sex with
>all the Romulan women on board.  Having worn out all the women, but
>barely whetted his ferocious Klingon appetite, Warped proceeds to use
>the Romulan men.  
>
>Soon the entire Romulan crew are lying on the floor, utterly drained.
>And our heros on the USS enterprise sail back to Starbase 69 with
>their booty in a tractor beam.
>
>[next, The Enterprise on Starbase 69]

<.sig deleted>

What Wharfed did not realize was that with his last heaving orgasm, a Romulan
male had inadvertantly hit the self-destruct button. At first they didn't like
his Klingon filth-juice inside of them, but they soon learned to like it. Too
bad that the explosion managed to hit the warp engines, and because of the
all seeing sensors of the Enterprize komputer, the sausage section detached,
and continued towards StarBase 69... what the remaining crew did not know was
that the SmorgasBorg had already commandeered the base. When they arrived and
disembarked, countless numbers of SmorgasBorg met them and all shouted: "You
Will Be Well Fed! Resistance Is Futile!"  Hymen, the bartender, was outraged
at what was going on, and started to mix anti-matter with her special formula,
magneto-juice. When scores of thirsty crewman came back from the feast, they
proceeded to Ten-Forward to quench their thirst. To their surprise, they started
to be propelled around the room at warp speed by their farts... once the
protective juice wore off, the anti-matter exploded fiercely, leaving only
minute traces of human tissue... the /usr/att/bin'ars seeing their chance,
decide to steal the ship and try to revive their home world, because they've
recently suffered massive computer problems due to system back-ups and new
software upgrades. (Plus, the Michelangelo virus was running rampant)....

[next, Bin's World! Bin's World! Back-up time! Excellent!]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: pt@geovision.gvc.com (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Re: Matt Cheyney is a dork (was Re: STAR TREK PRANKS)
Reply-To: pt@geovision.gvc.com
Organization: Not officially GeoVision Systems Inc., Ottawa, Ontario
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1992 14:12:25 GMT

kyrie@coos.dartmouth.edu (Thomas S. Marlowe) writes:
>Hey there Matt.  How are you doing?

>Oh.  For those of you reading this who are not Matt
>Cheyney, you can save your fucking flames.  This is not

Gee, has school started already?
Time to start unsubscribing from the drivel groups, I guess...

-- 
Paul Tomblin, pt@geovision.gvc.com (Canadian first, Quebecer second)
"We sealed our federal pact without bloodshed and without exploitation of the
weak by the strong.  All it took was fairness, justice and some compromises
on both sides." - George-Etienne Cartier, Father of Confederation, 1867
From: colinl@cssc-syd.tansu.com.au (Colin Lynch)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Woody Allen
Summary: Woody Allen's latest movie
Keywords: Woody Allen
Date: 23 Aug 92 03:05:54 GMT
Organization: Customised Software Solutions Centres, AOTC

Heard about Woody Allen's latest movie?



Its called: "Honey, I Fucked the Kids"


-- 
	Colin Lynch - AOTC Ltd     | e-mail: colinl@cssc-syd.tansu.com.au
      Advanced Network Products    | postal: PO Box A226 Sydney South
    Customised Software Solutions  |         NSW 2000  Australia
           Centre  -  Sydney       | phone:  +61-2-9113142   fax: 9113199
From: al660261@academ01.mty.itesm.mx (Armando Leonardo Franco Carrillo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Elephant Joke List Request (and two jokes).
Date: 29 Aug 92 21:08:26 GMT


   I read a post of some guy who was going to receive elephant jokes, compile
a list, and post it. That was May 25. I hadn't access to rec.humor until now 
(August 27). I would like someone to send a copy of the list to my account or
to rec.humor, if it hasn't been posted already a previous version will be 
enough to help me reach my goals: to determine how much punishment can my 
friends take (hearing the jokes) before they begin thinking ways to kill me.
Thanks in advance.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: A grape is purple.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a bunch of elephants coming over the hill?
A: He said: "Oh, there come the elephants over the hill."

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the same elephants coming over the hill 
wearing dark glasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: She said: "Oh, there come a bunch of grapes over the hill" (She was color
blind).

Q: How do you make elegant an elephant?
A: You replace the 'ph' with a 'g'.

The last one is a translation from Spanish, and since the original joke is
a pun I'm not very sure it will still be funny, or at last understandable. 
And,  before you begin, I'm aware there are more jokes than the title said.
I just wanted to write more jokes than I have thought, OK?

   A L F C	Armando	
   L F C A   	Leonardo	al660261.715122506@academ01
   F C A L   	Franco
   C A L F	Carrillo
From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Guns don't kill ...
Date: 1 Sep 92 03:19:52 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Ohio University School of Art. Athens

In article <loon.38@underdog.ee.wits.ac.za> loon@underdog.ee.wits.ac.za (LOON M J) writes:
>In article <1992Aug24.123520.1@mdcbbs.com> rivero@mdcbbs.com writes:
>
>>In article <1992Aug20.122403.1035@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu>, bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church) writes:
>>> In article <1992Aug18.185817.25515@cbfsb.cb.att.com> osan@cbnewsb.cb.att.com (Mr. X) writes:
>>> 
>>>>      PS, any of you have any opinions on someone starting law school at 34?
>>> 
>>> Why not, I knew a guy who became a male prostitute at 36.
>
>>  Hmm. I know another guy who started doing weird medical experiments on small
>>animals at 35.
>
>What about us poor 83 year olds?

Sure, we'll do weird medical experiments on you.


-- 
*********************************************
*    bob church                             *
*    bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu           *
*    D-8195 NFS #27                         *
From: ngsw@hpsgm2.sgp.hp.com (Ng Soon Wei)
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1992 08:28:06 GMT
Subject: Re: Funny sign
Organization: HP Singapore Notes-Server
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Read this somewhere :

A sign found in front of a urinal in the toilet of a hotel says :-

WE AIM TO PLEASE; YOU AIM TOO, PLEASE !
From: kckbxr@next08pg2.wam.umd.edu (Robin Hood)
Subject: Rocky Horror
Organization: Workstations at Maryland, University of Maryland, College Park
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1992 18:29:22 GMT

Does anybody out there have the add-lib lines for the Rocky Horror Picture  
Show?  I'm interested in getting a copy if possible.

Bill
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jholtgra@afit.af.mil (Jeremy C. Holtgrave)
Subject: Re: Gun control (was Re: democratic platform)
Organization: Air Force Institute of Technology
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 01:13:07 GMT

>>What ethnic group will be doing the cleaning?
>What ethnic food will do the feeding?
Whose ethnic blood will do the bleeding?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rsadve@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Adve)
Subject: What is...?
Organization: Syracuse University, Syracuse, NY
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 92 12:38:30 EDT

What is a word with four letters that ends in   UNT  and is exclusively
female?

Ans:

Aunt.....
--
Raviraj S. Adve
Dept. of Electrical Engg. 318 Link Hall.        Ph: 443-4450.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mzabel@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Mark A Zabel)
Subject: Re: Guns don't kill ...
Organization: The Ohio State University
Distribution: usa
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 18:25:27 GMT

>>>>      PS, any of you have any opinions on someone starting law school at 34
>>>
>>> Why not, I knew a guy who became a male prostitute at 36.
>
>>  Hmm. I know another guy who started doing weird medical experiments on smal
>>animals at 35.
>
>What about us poor 83 year olds?

Weird medical experiments on 83 year olds????
From: t9114138@phillip.edu.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: aquatic?
Date: 3 Sep 92 18:45:00 GMT
Organization: RMIT (Bundoora Campus)

In article <1992Sep2.135516.614@csc.canterbury.ac.nz>, canterbury.ac.nz (Greg OShea) writes:
> What is big,  hard and full of semen?
              ^
	     long

> 
> A submarine.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: carlson@cwis.unomaha.edu (Brian D. Carlson)
Subject: Carpet Layer
Summary: Carpet Layer Joke
Keywords: Carpet Cigarette
Organization: University of Nebraska at Omaha
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 01:33:26 GMT

	There was a carpet layer who had a fairly large roll of carpet
to lay in a large family room. He spent quite some time streching the
carpet out, a very time consuming and tedious task. When he finished, he
noticed a lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. This worried
him because he certainly didn't want to tear all the carpet out.

	He decided to take a cigarette break, but lo and behold, they
weren't in his pocket. It all made sense now, and he could buy a new
pack, so he proceeded to pound on the lump in the carpet 'til it was
flat. He stood back proud of a job well done.

	When he got out to his truck, he was shocked to see his
cigarettes sitting out on the dash board. At the same time, the home
owner yelled to him, "Hey, have you seen my son's hamster?"

(may be offensive to hamsters, if you are a hamster, change 'hamster' to
'gerbil')