From: tencati@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov 
Subject: SOAP Story...
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Keywords:  SOAP, Humor
Organization: NASA - Goddard Space Flight Center
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1992 19:15:00 GMT

 [I am not the original author of the following. This is a true story
  of correspondence that took place between a hotel guest and the staff.
  The hotel that submitted this has a policy of giving free soap to all
  of its guests]:

    Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
    bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
    six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
    another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.  Thank you.
    S. Berman

    Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
    from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
    as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
    put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
    mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which are my standing
    instructions from the management. I hope this is satisfactory.
    Kathy, Relief Maid
    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
    the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I
    found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine
    cabinet.  I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have
    brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays
    which are on the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing
    teeth, etc.  Please remove them.
    S. Berman

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
    which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which
    were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
    Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
    I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
    inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not

    object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can
    be of further assistance.
    Your regular maid, Dotty

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M. that you
    called ham last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
    service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
    accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
    complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
    Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5 P.M.  Thank you.
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

    Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
    for business at 7:45 A.M. and don' t get back before 5:30 P.M.  That's
    the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you were already off
    duty.  I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those
    little bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I
    was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap
    in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
    bathroom shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
    of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
    S. Berman

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
    your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further
    assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A.M. and 5:00 P.M.
    Thank you.
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

    Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
    room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in last last night and
    had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
    S. Berman

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
    I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
    maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
    a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept
    my apologies for the inconvenience.
    Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in
    last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little
    bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you
    realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath-size
    Dial.  Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
    S. Berman

    Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
    Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
    so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and
    the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.  I don't know anything
    about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not

    know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the
    3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues
    bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left
    in your room.
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
    inventory.  As of today I possess:

    On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4
    and 1 stack of 2.
    On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
    stack of 3.
    On bedroom dresser - 7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 & 1
    stack of 4, 1 hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2
    stacks of 4.
    Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
    stack of 2.
    In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
    used.
    On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
    are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of
    more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom
    window sill, which is not in use, will make an excellent spot for
    future soap deliveries.  One more item, I have purchased another bar
    of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
    avoid further misunderstandings.
    S. Berman