From: durbeck@osage.csc.ti.com (Diane Durbeck)
Subject: Re: Wedding etiquette
Organization: Texas Instruments
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 1992 15:36:14 GMT

In article <tadny=m.shannah@netcom.com> shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller) writes:
>In article <1992Aug27.222258.10569@ads.com> ellon@ADS.COM (Ellon St. Croix) writes:
>>
>>>cma@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (christine.m.dakes) writes:
>>>>
{various horror stories and suggestions about weddings and bridesmaids omitted}

Christine was subjected to a truly awful experience as a bridesmaid.

Bottom line is, if a bride wants to have a bridal party, she should be
considerate of those who will be helping her on that day, and that
consideration should include financial awareness.  Here's what I did,
as food-for-thought for any brides-to-be out there:

Situation: I decided on 3 bridesmaids.  Matron of honor was one of my best 
friends, whom I've known for 20 years - we promised each other 19 years
ago to be maid-of-honor in each other's wedding (I was in her's last year).
Other 2 bridesmaids were a former roommate and dear friend from college,
and my only sisteer.  All 3 are currently in grad school, and while none
are destitute, I knew each of them would appreciate moderate costs.

So, traditional costs for bridesmaids can include: dress, shoes, hat,
gloves, flowers, shower gifts, wedding gift, etc.
In my case, I didn't want any hats or gloves, so that cost was nil.
As for shoes, dyed-to-match shoes are IMHO a big waste of money;
they can never ever be used again without screaming in capital letters,
"BRIDESMAID SHOES!".  Better solution:  just ask the "maids" to wear
shoes of a given color and approximate heel height.  I asked them to
wear off-white shoes (pumps) with a low heel (since they are all taller
than me).  They don't have to match exactly, and most people will either
already have shoes of that general description, or could use them if
they did need to purchase them.  One "maid" borrowed a pair from her
mother.

For the dress, I think it is a crying shame to force bridesmaids to buy
something they can never wear again.  I opted for buying fabric and
dress patterns and mailing it to each "maid" for them to have it
custom made.  I'm no seamstress, but I solicited advice from many
friends before making my decision.  If you have time to look, fabric
can be bought very cheaply, whether from periodic sales at the national
fabric-store chains, or at outlets if you live near them.  I ended
up purchasing a fabric at a 40% off sale at SoFro/House of Fabrics,
and then patterns for $1.97 at a ClothWorld sale.  For the fabric,
I went with a silk-like jacquard print that does not wrinkle (means
the bridesmaids can sit down in between pictures, and still look
picture-perfect at the reception).  Total cost:  fabric $34, pattern $2,
seamstress $15.  For the actual dress style, I spoke on the phone
with each bridesmaid trading back and forth Simplicity/Butterick/McCall/Vogue
pattern numbers to be sure I chose something nobody would hate.  Since
I chose a print, a simpler pattern was better, and of course was
simpler for the different seamstresses to match (everyone was in a
different city, none where I'm currently living).  The dresses
turned out fine, and can be worn again, at the very least when
attending another warm-weather wedding.  The best part is how
well they fit each "maid", with no alterations expense.

The groom and I did ALL addressing of invitations, etc.  Since we live
in Dallas but were marrying in my hometown of San Jose California,
we did not have oodles of engagement parties or bridal showers
to wear out the wedding party, most of whom weren't even in the
same state (the groomsmen were similarly scattered across the country).

My matron-of-honor arrived Thursday noon and stayed with us.
She and my sister and other bridesmaid secretly arranged a surprise
shower for me on Thursday night, "kidnapping" me and driving me
blindfolded to a comedy club, where other female friends met us.
The other bridesmaid came home with us that night, so all 3 of them
were able to help out from Thursday night until the reception wound
down late Saturday night.

I paid for all the flowers, and gave each of the bridesmaids a nice
necklace to wear.  A good friend who served as candlelighter showed
up early to French-braid their hair.  With all these friends around,
they took care of decorating the church (my sister made all the
decorations; I purchased the materials) and the reception (I'd
planted small clay pots of flowers with "my colors" to set out on
the tables - we ate outside on a deck, and the heaviness of the clay
prevented them blowing over in any afternoon gusts before the guests
arrived).

All in all, I had a SUPER time at my wedding, thanks in large part
to all the help from my friends.

If you are asked to be a bridesmaid for a wedding that will end
up being a costly venture, talk to the bride.  Give her the option
of either finding ways to reduce your costs or choosing someone
else, if it really would be a strain for you.  If the bride refuses to
-- 
Diane Durbeck
durbeck@ti.com
Newsgroups: soc.couples