From: dedek@meaddata.com (Mike Dedek)
Subject: Re: QUIET?...advice with kids...
Organization: Mead Data Central, Dayton OH
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 14:22:11 GMT

In article <1auvekINNd4h@gw.home.vix.com>, shedevil@vix.com (Anne P. Mitchell JD) writes:
|> In a recent missive dedek@meaddata.com (Mike Dedek) tells us:
|> *
|> *My uncle had a similar situation.  His girlfriend (now wife) was widowed with
|> *3 kids, age 19, 16, 12 (now age 23, 19, 15).  The oldest was a girl and didn't
|> *seem to have problems.  The younger two, boys, exhibited similar behavior as
|> *you describe.  In addition the older boy was getting into "trouble".  The
|> *woman had difficulty dealing with this and often acted irrationally instead
|> *of handling it correctly (that is, the boys hit her occasionally, she fought
|> *with them on their level, etc.) It's
|> 
|> *The problem was that the mother could not or would not adequately discipline
|> *because the father had done this before.  The boys needed a strong presence
|> 
|> 
|> I must put in a word of caution here, as this is a very dangerous and
|> slippery slope.  From my own experience [my beau entered our life when

Yes, I tried to include cautionary statements but if it didn't come across,
I agree, my uncle's situation has been sticky at times and the key is 
(as I understand) that he and his wife worked together to establish parenting
goals.

|> relationship it wasn't much his business..and I'd be surprised if at
|> after only 3 months of dating the original poster's uncle could
|> possibly be at a point where he should be having such input, and in my
|> opinion he should *never* make such judgements.

Again, I must not have been clear.  3 months of dating is probably not enough
time to make such judgements.  When they got engaged, after 2 years of dating,
was when they worked on this issue.  I think this was a good idea, because if
they had serious disagreements on parenting issues and did not work them out
before marriage, disaster could have occurred.  How each couple works out such
issues is up to them, but I feel they must be decided to mutual satisfaction
or one or both will not be happy.

|> 
|> Step-parenting is a very difficult thing at best, and most counsellors
|> I have both read and talked to will caution a step-parent to *refrain*
|> from trying to take on a real parenting role for a *LONG* time [i.e
|> months to years].
|> 
|> Anne Mitchell

Again, I agree completely.  My uncle and his wife and their children did not
have an easy time and they still have some difficulties (after our visit, my
wife would probably say some is an understatement, but compared to before,
the problems have definitely decreased).

Not being the actual person, I'm not totally qualified on this, but here's
my impression.  My uncle, his wife, and all their children discussed the
situation and worked out some sort of compromise.  Both adults felt that
being married and in a family, there were some things that either adult
should be responsible for.  There are some things that only the biological
parent can do.  My uncle and his wife and their children agreed on those
things.  An example might be:  Either adult can decide whether any child
may go to a friend's house, but only the biological adult can decide
whether a child can drive to a party (only an example).

-Mike Dedek

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