From: dom@castle.ed.ac.uk (Dominic A. Varley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Story...True(ish) and Gross(ish)
Date: 21 Nov 92 09:25:29 GMT
Organization: Edinburgh University

Hi all,
	this is gross but true, only to me would this happen!!
	Enjoy.

	Regards,
		dom.

********************************************************************************

So I wake up, typical, the one bloody day in the year that I  get  a  lie-in
and  posty  has  decided  to  not  just  ring the door bell, but fall asleep
against it.  8:05am I'm not in a good mood.  Bad cold (flu), no sleep and  the
house  is freezing.  I stumble down stairs to the front door, realizing just
in time that "the baby's arm is hanging out of the pram" well okay,  less  a
baby's  arm, more a horse's leg, but hey, who I'd better not boast too much,
you lot only get jealous!  The bastard grins at me, "sorry guv, wouldn't  fit
through the letterbox!"  Before blushing I realize he meant the parcel in his
hands.

Walking back up the stairs with the parcel which was "just" too big  to  fit
through  the  letter box, I swear some bastard has planned the box size just
so I would have to get out of bed!  Is it for me?  NO IT NEVER BLOODY  IS  -
but  do  you  think  anyone else got out of bed to answer the door - do they
ever???  NO, THE ANSWER IS NO, NON, NEIT.  Anyway  I'm  walking  back  up  the
stairs  and  I'm  thinking funny I don't remember it snowing in my room last
night, now I've lived in some dives, but never, I say never, has  it  snowed
in  my room.  Yet as I approach the old bedroom door the floor is definitely
a shade of white?  What happened to my trusty old puke  pattern  carpet  (it
used  to  be  red, but you know how things happen when you drink a bit).  No
definitely white....white from all the  tissues,  and  knee  deep  in  snot,
careful  I  might slip.  Woa, no wonder I didn't get any sleep!  I must have
spent the whole night blowing my brains out of my nose  onto  what  now  has
become  my  new carpet, through a process one would only like to describe as
"soak and dry" - gross I know, but it happens!  Anyway I go back to bed  and
.....wait for childrens BBC with....PHILLIPA FORRESTER....coooooorrrrr, what
a woman!  She's only on for a short time and somehow  Anne  Diamond  doesn't
have the same appeal, so it's off to the old video collection -well I can't
possibly work today - I'm too ill, cough cough, you see !!! Now then Escape from
Colditz, The Great Escape both seem appropriate movies, but hey  hang  on  -
what's  this!   FERRIS BEULERS DAY OFF -it *has* to be done!!  The boy is my
hero, his girlfriend stunning, though not as good as Phillipa.   Anyway  the
movie  ends around mid-day and I decide I ought to get out of bed, I get the
chisel out of the tool bag, and a blow torch and set  about  separating  the
carpet  from  the kleenex, by the time I've finished I have a ball of tissue
the size of a football...well I could leave it to fester in my dustbin for a
couple  of  months,  or I could join in the house spirit and leave them NEXT
TO, NO NOT IN, the dustbin in the kitchen BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW YOU 
*DON'T* PUT  ANYTHING  IN  THE  BIN  IN THE KITCHEN, YOU JUST PILE IT 
UP AGAINST THE SIDE, oh well I'm a humanitarian, well okay human, okay okay,
don't get at me, I decided to put it down the toilet....it can join the wasp
(N.B. previous story)
then :-) snigger snigger.  Down we go, flush, oh sh*t bad idea #1 (but still
I've  not gone to work today so I'm allowed one), the ball blocks the U-bend
and the water rises perilously high to the top of the bowl and stays  there!
Damn  Damn  Damn,  funny I never had this problem with that noisy bloody cat
from next door, mind you I did  chop  him  into  small  bits!   So  I  think
back...when  was  the toilet last cleaned..well it must have been reasonably
clean when they made it...  I put on the yellow gloves and go  for  a  delve
around  the  bend....I  feel  like  James  Heriot, well actually I feel like
Phillipa Forrester, but there's that court  injunction  out  against  me....
Then  disaster  strikes,  the bloody glove isn't long enough and I've put my
hand in *too* far down (hoping to hell I don't meet any "old  friends")  the
water gushes over the top of the glove and down my arm...oh well I thought I
needed a wash...  The toilet clear, I dry my arm and return to bed - way way
to  strenous day to get up yet - What's this I feel a little peckish?  Don't
have enough energy to get out of bed so I  bite  my  finger  nails...what  a
strange taste.....somehow I'm reminded of the staff canteen...