From: bajan@cs.mcgill.ca (Alan Emtage)
Subject: Re: sex/power
Organization: McGill University Computing Centre
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1992 08:27:43 GMT

I apologise for the length of the article, but I feel that certain things
need to be clarified.

In article <1992Apr4.202207.26484@zip.eecs.umich.edu> fields@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Matthew Fields) writes:
>if someone would have paid attention to me...if someone would have
>paid attention to me...If they were exercising adult responsibility,
>they would have drawn the line.  

This point has been made before by some of my friends. I understand this
and to be honest, I myself cannot begin to consider (under any
circumstances) having sex with a minor. Even more than being immoral,
unethical and illegal (of which it is all), it has no appeal.  However,
for me in my personal experiences the point is moot. That is not to say
that it is not important, just that the history is what it is. The
expression "If someone would have paid attention to me" must be taken in
the context in which it is given. It is not meant to sound like the
"rejected child".

I should reiterate one point here before going any further. The purpose of
my original posting was not to in any way invalidate or diminish the
problem of the very real pain and suffering of those who have been the
recipients of sexual and/or emotional abuse. My reading of this group and
participation in the discussion is to try to in some small way understand
this very serious social problem. I have close contact with people who
have been abused (both as children and as adults) and I soon realized in
talking to them that I had no grasp on what they were feeling, having not
been there myself. As with much of the human condition, I expect that I
will never fully come to a personal understanding of this but I feel I
have a responsibility to be informed of the issues involved.

I hope that nothing in this or any other posting in this group will be
taken to be patronizing or condescending. I am very aware that I am
dealing with issues that go to the very core of our individual selves and
am trying to express my ideas and opinions with the clarity that this
requires.

>				I was able to experience pleasure
>from having my genitals touched from a very early age...and somehow
>missed the fact that this is true of most children...and so thought I
>was somehow special, and what happened was entirely my own idea.  I
>was the empowered one, the sexually-mature one: I had pubic hair long
>before age 7, and somehow could own real estate, drive a car, and
>support myself, while the adults involved couldn't.  There was no real
>power-disbalance involved, or if there was, I was the more-empowered.

None of this did I say, and re-reading my posting, I do not think I
implied it. I did say that I had initiated the contacts and I have no
reason to believe that my recollections of the incidents are anything
other than the way they happened. Being "different" IMHO is not
synonymous with being "special". I did not (and do not) consider myself
to have been an adult at the time of these first experiences and, as I
grow older, I learn and become more aware of the infinite depth of
personal relationships. I consider this to be a thing of great wonder and
sometimes of beauty. These were not "adult" relationships, but I was not
an adult so this is to be expected and I certainly knew that I was not an
adult the time. I have no recollection of having felt either more or less
"powerful" than my partners. I did not advertise the fact these events
were happening since I knew that it would not have been looked on
favourably by my parents or other relations. From the age of about 9 or
so I was somewhat aware of the other implications of sexual activity such
as STDs and birth control which some would rightfully so goes to the
issue of consent.

Although the relationships were primarily sexual, they were not without
an emotional component. I was not in love and I was not capable of that
emotion (in the sexual, adult sense) at that time.  The best description
of the emotion I felt is probably that of mild fondness. As I said in my
posting, I have met other people with similar stories with whom I have
talked to at length about this.  They seem to be adults who considered
this as part of their personal history. I never had any reason to think
that they considered this to be a problem.

>Now wait, this isn't quite making sense to me.  But I'd better not
>think about it too much because it might have something to do with why
>I'm in therapy or a 12-step group or a failing marriage today, and
>it's too dangerous to think about. If someone would have paid
>attention to me...  then I might have had a childhood, and found lots
>of fun, being a kids, instead of having to explore sexuality with an
>adult.  Why did I have to seek out people mostly 10 years my senior?
>What was wrong with kids my own age, who I might learn from existing
>resources were perfectly capable of feeling exactly what I was
>feeling?  What happened to "playing doctor"? Why is this topic so
>upsetting? Cut it out, right now! I'm not going to think about it,
>D*** it! I'm PERFECTLY HAPPY, do you hear me?!!?  NOTHING'S THE
>MATTER!

My recollections of my childhood are relatively pleasant. I consider
myself to be very lucky in this regard knowing that there are many people
who cannot say the same thing. I did not grow up in the "ideal family" as
I expect few of us did. This newsgroup is painful testament to this very
fact. I have to deal with the problems of insecurity and self-image as
all of us do, some very much more than others. I have had varying success
with this. Some of my relationships have worked, some have not.
However, I cannot honestly attribute my adult emotional traumas to any
specific pre-adult incidents as I am sure many readers of this group can.

My original posting's intention was not to take on a "superior" tone. I
was trying to present my history as part of the spectrum of the "human
experience" and be viewed as such.

>I'm glad you added this last paragraph, as it shows that (at least)
>you wish to be construed as sincere, and you have *some* idea of the
>issues involved.  In re-reading your post carefully, it occurred to me
>that there's some sort of hinting at homosexuality there, which I
>think is completely irrelevant to the age-issues at hand.  As I hope
>you grasp from my "meditation" above, I find your description
>confusing or confused or both, and I'm a bit concerned about you.

I certainly was sincere.

The gender of those involved was omitted since I, as you, didn't consider
it to be relevant to the discussion. There is no intentional hinting at
these relationships being either homosexual or heterosexual since it
would, IMHO, change nothing. This may be construed by some to be dancing
on the head of a pin. So be it.

I can well imagine that my posting would be confusing to some. I trust
that I have in some way clarified my position. I understand your concern,
I however do not share it.

>IMHO you were abused, plain and simple.

Fair enough. We may agree to disagree which is perfectly acceptable.

I look forward to hearing any comments that others may have.

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Alan Emtage, 				bajan@cc.mcgill.ca
McGill University,CANADA  
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