From: c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au (Chris Baird)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons
Subject: [9F06] The New Kid on the Block
Date: 14 Nov 1992 00:42:23 -0500
Organization: Widener University Mail/News Gateway
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: cs.widener.edu


Disparing over the recent degeneration of OFN, Raymond Chen (who is still
without formal Usenet access) has been enticed out of exile long enough
to once again selflessly provide a promptly composed capsule in the hopes
of returning the group to some semblance of its former glory; whatever
the personal cost or hardship.  (Well, the story goes something like that
anyway..)

..and per the convention adopted during the 3rd season, could everyone
*please* change the subject line in the followup discussions.

--cjb

Gimme an "S", gimmen a "P", gimme an "O", gimme an ...

The New Kid on the Block                               Written by Conan O'Brien
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer
===============================================================================
[$Id$]
===============================================================================

> Title sequence

>> Blackboard
        {I will not bring sheep to class}.
        {I will not bring sheep} at cutoff.

>> Lisa's solo
        Traditional.

>> Driveway

        Homer yells, ``D'oh!'' when Lisa scoots past.
        Homer yells, ``Wooh!'' when the car closes in on him.

>> Couch

        The couch falls through the floor.

> Quotes and scene summary

%
% Homer's viewing of the television program ``Hunks'' is interrupted by a
% visitor:  It's the next-door neighbor Mrs. Winfield, who is moving to
% Florida with her husband.  She asks Homer to do a few things to help
% her sell the house.  Like wear pants when he stands in the window.
% Homer refuses.
%
% While mowing the lawn, Homer is drawn to the boxes of discarded coathangers,
% old newspapers, and expired medicine.  Unable to stop himself, he takes
% them into the house.

Marge: That medicine's not for you!
Homer: [emptying assorted bottles of medicine]
       C'mon, Marge!  Maybe I'm not getting enough...
       [reads the label] estrogen.
-- Can't get enough, uh huh, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The argument is interrupted by a television commercial for the
% all-you-can-eat dinner at ``The Frying Dutchman'' seafood restaurant.

Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood.  The last time I ate shrimp,
       my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions.
Homer: Mmm... shrimp...
-- Mmm... convulsions... ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The Winfields' real estate agent shows a couple the home.

Wife:  Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so let's just pay
       whatever the Winfields want.
Agent: That could work.
-- Flexibility is our middle name, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The sound of Homer's belching draws their attention, and they see Homer
% lounging in the wading pool, fishing a half-eaten weiner [sic] from
% the water, and eating it.  This changes their minds.
%
% Bart and Lisa tiptoe past the ``SOLD'' sign on the Winfields' front lawn
% and sneak in the basement window.  Bart preys on Lisa's anxiety by
% improvising a scary story about the Winfields.  This spooks Lisa, who
% runs off in fear.  As Bart chuckles, a shadowy figure sneaks up on our
% hero and grabs him.  Bart screams and faints.
%
% Blackness.
%
% ``Hey, kid.  Wake up.''  The 15-year-old figure introduces herself
% as the new neighbor.

Laura: Are you all right?
Bart's brain: She's beautiful.  Say something clever.
Bart's mouth: [meekly] I fell on my bottom.
Bart's brain: D'oh!
-- Thinking fast on one's bottom, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% [End of Act One.  Time: 3:29]
%
% As ``Clumsy Student Movers'' unload the van, Laura welcomes Marge to their
% home.  Marge is impressed by the girl's manners.
%
% Marge plays Welcome Mobile for the new family, adding to the promotional
% gifts a coupon for a free drink at Moe's Tavern.

Woman: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially
       after that TIME cover story, ``America's Worst City''.
Marge: [proudly] You could see our house in that photo!
-- Was Homer in the window without any pants on?  ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The next item in the basket is for the man of the house, which is an
% optional extra in this 90's family, Laura's parents having divorced
% two years ago.

Woman: They're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career,
       career, career.
Homer: [outside, scolding SLH] <My> hammock.  Do you understand?
       Mine!  ... Don't look at me that way!
-- The exception that proves the rule, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% On the front kerb, Bart and Laura exchange schoolyard stunts, and Laura's
% smart retort scares away a proto-menacing Kerny and Dolph.  Laura offers
% to read Bart's palm:  ``You're going to be rich!  There's your mansion.
% Here's the tennis court.''  She spits into Bart's hand.  ``And there's
% the swimming pool!''  Laura makes a playful escape back into the house.
% Bart admires his wet palm.  ``I'll never wash this hand again.''
%
% And he doesn't.  The hand is filthy, but the pool of spit remains.  Lisa
% tries to get Homer to tell Bart to wash his hand, but Homer is busy trying
% to find a babysitter.

Homer: I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister.  I look after her now.
Abigail: [rocking but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair]
       [speaking to no one in particular]  No, Bart.  Put it down, Bart.
       Bart, put it down.
-- And come out with your hands up, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Homer is disappointed that he wore his extra-loose pants for nothing.
% Bart suggests Laura could baby-sit, and Lisa takes the opportunity to
% tease him.  Bart lunges for her with his filthy hand, but she quickly
% steps aside, landing Bart's hand on SLH, who runs off, Bart's hand
% sticking like glue.
%
% At the neighbor's house, Laura's mother agrees to let her baby-sit.

Homer: Uh, and there was something else...  Something I was supposed to
       tiptoe around...
Laura's mother: My divorce.
Homer: <That's> it!  Woo-hoo!  I'm glad <one> of us remembered.
       <That> could've been embarrassing.
-- A close call, ``The New Kid on the Block''

Laura's mother: Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.
       I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you
       can arrange it.  After all, Homer, I do have the normal ... appetites.
Homer: [knowingly] Heh, heh, heh.  I know what you mean.
       [just checking] Just let me make sure we're not talking about food.
Laura's mother: I'm not.
Homer: [as if he knew it all along] Right!  Me neither.
       [just checking] We're talking about sex, right?
Laura's mother: Right.
Homer: I hear you loud and clear!
-- But does he understand?  ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Lisa is surprised to find Bart... taking a bath?

Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
-- Bart takes a bath, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart welcomes Laura in a velvet smoking jacket, complete with (bubble) pipe.
% Lisa and Bart leave Laura to decide what to have for dinner.
% At the empty ``Two Guys from Kabul'' restaurant, the phone rings, and the
% two guys fight over it.
%
% While Laura introduces the kids to take-out Afghan food, Homer and Marge
% order dinner at The Frying Dutchman.

Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge:  Mmm, what about the bread?  Does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
-- One slice of bread with not so much fish in it later...
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Marge contents herself with some Tic-Tacs in her purse, while Homer eagerly
% orders the all-you-can-eat dinner.  Even before the waiter can give him his
% plate, Homer is at the buffet cart, carting away an entire of shrimp.
%
% At the Simpsons residence, Laura goads, ``Come on, Bart.  If I can teach
% Maggie to waltz, I can teach you.''  Maggie dances with Snowball.  Laura
% places Bart's hand on her hip, and they dance.  Bart drifts into
% fantasy-land, where he and Laura dance divinely, though Laura takes the
% opportunity to give him a wedgie at the end.
%
% Homer continues to gorge himself on shrimp, Marge having fallen asleep,
% and the rest of the restaurant staff waiting anxiously, as it is already
% closing time, the chairs upended.  Captain McAlister tries to convince
% Homer to leave.

Can't talk.  Eating.
-- Homer, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% The proprietor finally throws Homer out.  It takes two attempts.
%
% Marge lies in bed, but Homer is furious and wants to make an issue out of
% the incident.

Homer: This is my quest.  I'm like that guy.  That Spanish guy.
       You know, he fought the windmill...
Marge: Don Quixote?
Homer: No, that's not it.  What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
Marge: Don Quixote.
Homer: No!
Marge: I really think that was the character's name.  Don Quixote.
Homer: Fine!  I'll look it up!  [heads off and consults a reference]
Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it?
Homer: [quietly fuming]  Nevermind.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At the Kwik-E-Mart, Bart plays backseat driver as Laura plays ``Death Row''.
% Upon reaching the Conservative Judge, the Insanity Plea fails to work, so
% Bart suggests a Change of Venue.  Unfortunately, it changed to the Texas
% electric chair.  ``If I'd hit the Remorse button one more time I would'a
% made it.''
%
% Homer pays a visit to Lionel Hutz's ``I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm''
% law firm.

Homer: All you can eat.  Ha!
Hutz:  Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fradulent advertising
       since my suit against the film, ``The Never-Ending Story''.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Hutz:  I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero
       in American history.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
-- I'm sorry, did I say `hero'?  I meant `zero'.
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart pays a visit to Grampa (coincidentally, on the elder Simpson's
% birthday), asking for advice on older women, but it doesn't seem to be
% much help.  In a move betraying his lack of brain cells, Bart turns to
% Homer for advice.  Homer tries to act busy, but Marge insists that
% Homer talk to Bart about... you-know...  Homer believes Bart should learn
% the same way he did, then reconsiders.  Marge leaves the two alone.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around]  a refrigerator!
They're about six feet tall,  300 pounds.  They make ice, and... um...
[spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute.  Actually, a woman is more
like a beer.  They smell good, they look good, you'd step over
your own mother to get one!  [downs the beer]  But you can't stop at
one.  You wanna drink another woman!  [gets another woman out of the woman]
-- Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers,
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Many women later, Homer babbles incoherently, then passes out.
%
% Bart lies unhappily in bed.  ``How can I get her to notice me?''
% Laura opens Bart's bedroom window.  ``Meet me at the treehouse, Bart.
% And come alone.''  She vanishes.  Bart swallows hard.
%
% Bart paces nervousely in the treehouse, then turns around to see Laura
% in a heart-stopping red dress.  She explains, ``I'm so happy, I just had
% tell someone.  I have a boyfriend.''  Bart reacts with stunned horror,
% envisioning Laura teaching his heart of of his chest and drop-kicking
% it into the trashcan.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:34]
%
% And to rub salt in the wound, Laura's boyfriend is Jimbo.  Bart flashes
% back to another of Jimbo's abuses.

Bart:  How can you like that guy?
Laura: I dunno.  Maybe because he's an outlaw.
       You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house?
Bart:  Jimbo killed him?
Laura: No.  [dramatically]  But he poked him with a stick.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Jimbo, the self-proclaimed ``Dr. Tongue'', arrives on his motorcycle to
% pick up Laura.  ``Who's the dork?''  ``Leave him alone.  He's just a kid.''
% Laura's words echo in Bart's head.

Bart:  I'll show <them> who's ``just a kid''!
Marge: [calling] Bart, bedtime!  I laid out your jammy-jams!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At dinner, everyone digs into light grey goop with gusto, except for Bart,
% who has no appetite.  Bart's request for advice fails to work.
%
% Homer and Marge leave the kids in Laura's care...

Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad.
Homer: [hugs her] Thanks.  That means a lot to me.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Laura tells the kids to be in bed before Jimbo arrives.

Bart: What do you like about him?  He's just a good-looking rebel
      who plays by his own rules.
Lisa+Laura: [wistful sigh]
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% At Night Court, Captain McAlister presents his testimony, though undermined
% by the fact that he's not really a captain.  The defense attorney offers
% to show the court how much shrimp Homer ate.  Aides bring in bags upon bags
% of stuff, emptying them on the judge's desk.

Aide:     Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
Attorney: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle.
          That's next door.
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

Is it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no
other food was available?
-- The defense attorney cross-examines Marge,
   ``The New Kid on the Block''

% During the proceedings, a Domino's pizza is delivered for Homer.
% Lionel Hutz draws out of Marge the fact that after being thrown
% out of the restaurant, they drove around until 3am looking for
% another all-you-can-eat fish restaurant, and failing that, they
% went fishing.  Marge collapses in tears.  Hutz addresses the jury of
% Homer's peers (all overweight citizens).  Captain McAlister
% approaches Homer and offers a settlement.
%
% Marge covers her face as Homer chows down heartily on all the food
% he can eat, at the window table.  A huge crowd of onlookers have
% gathered, and Captain McAlister ushers them inside, barking, ``Come for
% the freak; stay for the food.''
%
% Bart eavesdrops on Jimbo and Laura on the couch, smooching.  Bart has
% a plan.  Meanwhile, Laura's mother has considerable difficulty getting
% Moe to accept the coupon for a free beer.  ``No, this is... Bo's Cavern.''

Moe: [answers the phone]  Yeah, just a sec; I'll check.
     [calls]  Amanda Hugginkiss?  Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss.
     Where can I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
     [bar denizens laugh]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B.  Why, when I find out who you are,
     I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving
     dogs in your butt!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Bart answers, ``My name is Jimbo Jones, and I live at 1094 Evergreen
% Terrace.''  Moe celebrates victory.  ``I knew he's slip up sooner or
% later!''  He unsheathes a rusty knife and heads out of the tavern.

Moe:    Hey, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for?
        Gasp!  Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!  [drinks it]
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% Moe's angry dash through town is momentarily put on hold while he
% consults his map to find Evergreen Terrace.  Moe bursts into the
% Simpsons home as Jimbo and Laura are making out.  He brandishes his
% knife, and Jimbo falls to his knees, begging and crying for mercy.
% Bart gloats, ``That's your outlaw?''  Moe leaves for the Tavern,
% where Barney is sucking beer straight from the tap, pausing briefly
% until his heart starts beating again.
%
% Laura shows Jimbo to the door, suggesting they not see each other any more.
% She concedes to Bart that he was right after all.

As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
-- Bart, ``The New Kid on the Block''

% ``You know, if you were only old enough to grow a bad teen-aged moustache,
% I'd go out with you in a second.''  She gives him a peck on the cheek.

Laura: [on the phone]  Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle?  First name...
Bart:  [whispers]
Laura: [continues]  Ivana?
Moe:   [on the phone]  Ivana Tinkle, just a sec.
       [calls]  Ivana Tinkle!  Ivana Tinkle!  Hey, everybody, put down your
       glasses.  Ivana Tinkle!
-- ``The New Kid on the Block''

% All, including Homer and Captain McAlister (who apparently stopped by the bar
% for a drink) enjoy the joke.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:14]

> Voice Credits
>> Starring
    Dan Castellaneta        (Homer, Barney, Grampa, Defense attorney)
    Julie Kavner            (Marge)
    Nancy Cartwright        (Bart)
    Yeardley Smith          (Lisa)
    Hank Azaria             (Apu)
    \:    and
    Harry Shearer           (nearly everybody else)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Sara Gilbert            (Laura)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Phil Hartman            (Lionel Hutz)
>> Special Guest Voice
    Pamela Reed             (Laura's mother)
>> Also Starring
    Pamela Hayden
    Maggie Roswell

> Didja notice...

    ... Captain McAlister had a glass eye?
    ... the multiracial couple interested in the Winfield residence?
        How politically correct...

> Movie (and other) References

     * Miracle on 39th Street

> Comments and other observations

Sara Gilbert plays Roseanne's daughter on ``Roseanne''.
Pamela Reed plays a divorced parent on ``Grand''.

``Hunks'' is, of course, a spoof of the syndicated game show, ``Studs''.

Mrs. Winfield's voice has softened considerably.

Marge's allergy to seafood must be a relatively recent development, since
she ate at Chez Paree's (``Some Enchanted Evening''), the Rusty Barnacle
(``Homer's Night Out''), and The Happy Sumo (``One Fish...'') with no
visible ill effects.

It looks like Maggie was doing something closer to a cha-cha than a waltz.

The best part was the nine-frame ``family dinner'' scene-let.

Some odd things about the lawsuit:

    1. It's held at night?
    2. Why a jury for a civil suit?

And the answer to both questions, of course, is ``Because it's funny!''

Marge wasn't wearing lipstick in court.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now some words from our sponsor...

Moral lessons:  Try Bart's lesson at the end of ``Bart the General''.

has gotten way out of hand.  If somebody ``finds'' a reference to
``Adventures in Babysitting'' or ``Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead'' in
this episode, I promise you, I'm gonna scream.  (Let this be a warning to
people whose offices are near mine.)
--
Raymond ``We got beets!'' Chen, moderator emeritus