Newsgroups: bit.listserv.politics
Date:         Thu, 30 Jul 1992 10:25:24 EST
From:         Kerry Stephenson <KSTE@PURCCVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Positions of the Kerry ticket

Good Afternoon, and thank you all for coming:

  This is a formal announcement of the candidacy of Kerry and Kerry
for President and other President.  We have been nominated, and we
accept your nomination.  When we are elected, we will serve.  It is
now time to issue our position papers and to respond to the accusations
being made by our esteemed opponents.

   Our opponents have exhibited a disturbingly anti-American tendency
with regard to the consumption of alcohol, specifically beer.  The
American people want American beer.  They want beer that can compete
with the foreign imports, and they want it at a reasonable price.  The
Kerry ticket will promote the research and development of American
beer that will be the very best available in the world.  The American
beer industry has, for far too long, been at the mercy of the elitists
like our opponents, who promote foreign substances at the expense of
both the American beer-maker and the American beer-drinker.  We on the
Kerry ticket know that Americans, given a fair and level playing field
and proper R & D support, are capable of competing in the global beer
industry.  And, like the Dream Team, we will resoundingly defeat all
who would challenge us.
  At the same time, we on the Kerry ticket recognize the danger of
unrestricted and irresponsible consumption of alcohol, and we will
work to bring about tough legislation aimed at making irresponsible
users culpable for their related destructive acts.  Beer consumption
is not an excuse for personal violence and property damage.  Those
who engage in such acts after drinking will be punished in accordance
with the severity of the damage.  Drinking will be viewed as neither
an aggravating nor a mitigating circumstance.  It is expected that
Americans who consume alcohol do so knowingly and must be responsible
for their subsequent actions.  We feel that our opponents are
encouraging irresponsible and excessive drinking in an effort to both
promote foreign beer consumption and to dull the capacities of the
American people to make rational and reasonable judgments, particularly
with regard to Politics.  Which brings us to our next point.
   Our opponents take what we consider to be an unconscionably frivolous
attitude toward the use of illegal drugs.  It is our position that
narcotics are dangerous substances, which have been legislated after
due consideration for their effects.  We oppose the use of illegal
drugs on principle, and we strongly feel that the American people agree
with our position.  Narcotics are not an appropriate means to the end
of personal fulfillment.  The use of illegal drugs is an escape
mechanism, a way of evading one's personal responsibility for positive
participation in society.  A civilized society requires a responsible
citizenry.  Our opponents seek to anesthetize the American people to
the true issues by pumping them full of false euphoria.  It is our
position that only active participation in a free and open society
can restore the mood of the American people.  Illegal drugs are a dead-end
into selfishness and violence.  The Kerry ticket stands ready to
lead the American people into the fresh and open fields of cooperation
and concern.  It is time that the American people had an Administration
that will encourage them in their attempts to support and care for
one another soberly, honestly, and without regard to personal gain.
We *are* that Administration.
   Our opponents patronizingly suggest that the American people
are in need of new bureaucracies to control their thoughts and
actions.  We reject such a suggestion.  The idea of creating new,
elitist positions (Logic Czar, Humor Czar, History Czar, and so on--
when will it end?) is an insult to the American people.  Logic cannot
be "controlled" by anyone, and the proposal to put someone in
*charge* of it implies that our opponents are planning to do something
underhanded to change the way the American people use logic.  Perhaps
they are concocting a logic rationing plan (as the Energy Czar did
with gas), to deprive the American people of their God-given right to
decide for themselves when and where logic is applicable to their own
lives.  A Logic Czar would take all the fun out of life--in fact,
a logic czar might well spell the end of politics as we know it!
   The proposal for the creation of the position of Humor Czar is
similarly insulting.  Clearly, our opponents have no respect for the
people.  What is funny to one is an insult to another; putting these
matters in the hands of the administration is a grave mistake and might
well be unconstitutional (witness the recent striking down of legislation
regulating "hate speech."  Certainly much of American humor may be
viewed by some as "hate speech.")  Would they outlaw blonde jokes?  Would
they impose the Carson standard--nothing is funny until Ed McMahon has
laughed at it? (imagine how overworked Ed would be!  I know he needs a job,
but, really!)  Would they institute the "Rickles Rule"--nothing is funny
*unless* it is insulting?
  Clearly, our opponents seek to create positions that would require
new regulations, new administrators, and outrageous interference in the
thought process of the American people--such things are a waste of
valuable government time and money.
   As for our position on the shoe controversy, the Kerry ticket stands
firm in its support for the domestic shoe industry and for supporting
the needs of shoe consumers.  It is our position that, where the wearing
of shoes is required to preserve the health and safety of the consumer,
the government will ensure that shoes will be made publicly available.
   However, government-issue shoes, subsidized by the government, will be
unattractive and plain, to encourage those for whom fashion is a viable
question to continue to patronize the shoe industry.  No one should
be required to wear shoes in a private home, unless that home is also
a regulated food-service business.
   The Kerry ticket will call for a national referendum on the future of the nat
national anthem should have the word "America" in its title, should
be aesthetically stirring, and should be uplifiting and positive.  It
should avoid references to violence (especially to battles which we
lost) and stress the positive aspects of life in America.  It should be
something that can be sung with or without accompaniment, by single
individuals or large crowds, and once it is chosen, it should be
banned from use in advertising.  Oh, yes.  And it should have an ending
that allows it to be followed conveniently by the words "play ball."
   The Kerry ticket also wishes to make it clear that we do not
intend to consult the dead, nor will we allow such consultation
within the administration.  Let the dead, as the Good Book says,
bury their dead.  Our Administration will be vital, full of living
people who stand for and promote a postive and forward-looking
attitude that will enhance the quality of life for all.
   Finally, and importantly, the Kerry ticket would like to say to
all those who supported Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot, you have a place
here with us, if you want it.  We are the party of change.  We stand
ready to bring the Congress to heel, to heal the wounds of both parties,
and to bring about true unity in diversity, without sacrificing the
dignity and humanity of the American people.  A nation can only be great
when it allows its people the opportunity to grow as human beings.  This
Administration will promote personal, coporate, and community
responsibility and accountability.  The government will not operate
at the expense of the people.  We will not bounce *your* checks.
We will not deal drugs in *your* post office.  We will not call
you collect.  In short, the Kerry ticket will restore the real
meaning of "public service," by leading by example.  We and
all those we appoint will be the *servants* of the American
public.  And America will be America again.
  We will answer any questions you may have, in public or in
private.  Thank you for you time and attention.  And God bless
you all.  Thank you.
                    --Missy Prez 2 B
                      and Kerry other president in waiting
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