From: cbnorman@cayley.uwaterloo.ca (Bruce Norman)
Subject: STORY: D&D: The Wizard of Smaug (chapter 1)
Followup-To: rec.games.frp.dnd
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 14:00:27 GMT

                         Copyright Bruce Norman, 1992

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                              The Wizard of Smaug 

                                   Chapter 1 

                             --------------------

    Teflour stroked his two foot long white beard absentmindedly with his 
gnarled right hand.  He gazed accross the table at young Perrywinkle, his 
apprentice to be.  Perrywinkle was short, barely five feet tall, and very 
skinny.  His hair was messy, his clothes filthy, and he smelt vaguely of 
dung. 
    "Do you know what it means to be a wizard Perrywinkle?" asked 
Teflour, his mottled green eyes twinkling like the drool on the tongue of 
an alcoholic spotting a bottle of rum. 
    "Not really sir, but I thought I'd give it a shot just the same."  
Teflour nodded to himself.  The lad was much like he has been as a boy.  
The ranks of wizardry were filled with men who wern't sure what they were 
doing there. 
    "Why do you want to be a wizard Perrywinkle?" asked Teflour.  His 
wrinkled old nose began to twitch.  He absentmindedly coughed and spat a 
ball of plegm into the fireplace.  He would have to cut down on that 
chewing tobacco, it would be the death of him. 
    "Well sir" said Perrywinkle, his young tanned face taking on a look 
of seriousness.  "All my life I've wanted to do something, to be 
something, to make this land a better place.  I hope to use my magic for 
the good of all, and to protect the land of Smaug from its enemies." 
     "Rubbish" snapped Teflour and got slowly to his feet.  "I havn't 
seen such rubbish spewed forth in here since Mew had that hairball 
problem."  He paused to affectionately kick his cat. 
    *You addle-brained old rat trap* was Mew's telepathic reply. *Can't you*
*be more careful!*
    Teflour sighed.  People wondered why wizards never married...but why 
would they? Teflour didn't want to be married; he already received far 
too much nagging from his infernal cat. 
    "It's not Rubbish sir, I really do want to help people, really!" 
spoke Perrywinkle in earnest.  Teflour snarled at him. 
    "Then get out!  I'll have no liars for my apprentices, at least not 
one who can't even fool a senile old wizard such as myself!  You're far 
too honest boy; your lips are twitching like you've got a scorpion in 
your shorts.  Now tell the truth, or begone!" 
    "Well" said Perrywinkle slowly, reluctantly, "actually I just want to 
blow things up." 
    "What?" asked Teflour in amazement.  His jaw stretched, his eyes 
opened wide, he stared at Perrywinkle in astonishment.  "You just want to 
blow things up?" 
    "Yes sir" admitted Perrywinkle ashamedly.  He gazed franticly at his 
worn boots. 
    "Here I am, the greatest wizard in the entire land of Smaug, holding 
interviews for the position of apprentice, a position which I only offer 
once every thirty years, and they send me a boy who wants to blow things 
up?" 
    "Well, yes sir" said Perrywinkle.  "I'm rather small as you can se.  
The other boys are always beating me up, making fun of my name, and I was 
sorta hoping to go back home and say 'hey chaps' and then, you know, turn 
them into newts or blast them with balls of fire.  You know what I mean." 
    "Marvelous!" said Teflour.  He laughed and grabbed Perrywinkle's 
hand, pumping it franticly.  "In all my years as Court Wizard of Smaug I 
have yet to have an applicant such as yourself.  They've all been smarmy 
little royal brats, or misguided do gooders, never have I had an honest 
chap such as yourself!" 
    "Pardon?" asked Perrywinkle, glancing about franticly, his arm 
growing sore from Teflour's violent shaking. 
    "I've always been rather partial to blowing things up myself" said 
Teflour, a glazed look crossing his eyes.  Perrywinkle looked at him 
nervously, wondering if he was about to have a fit.  "Always as a child, 
I wanted to blow things up.  Cows, trees, rocks, salmon, you know the 
sort." 
    "Salmon?" asked Perrywinkle somewhat confusedly. 
    "Oh yes, many times I've wished to blow up a Salmon, thats why I 
became a wizard! But the old fool who was my master, Court Wizard 
Snefleur, was one of those peaceful sorts.  He tought me all these boring 
spells: preventing blight, curing the stomach ailments of sheep, you 
know, garback such as that.  It wasn't until I became Court Wizard, when 
Snefleur finally drowned himself in his cauldron, that I was able to 
learn to blow things up!"  Teflour's demented smile curled into a mask of 
sorrow, "but by it was too late.  You see boy, blowing things up requires 
great concentration, skill, and effort.  You need to be young and strong.  
Young so that you can fully master the great spells of blowing things up, 
strong so your body can stand the stress of unleashing such powerful 
magic." 
    Perrywinkle looked down at his own scrawny limbs.  "I'm not exactly 
built like a horse sir" he said. 
    "Nonsense" said Teflour.  "Compared to me you're an Atlas.  I'm 
completely worn out from kicking old Mew there!"  Mew snarled and spat at 
him. 
    "Does this mean I've got the job then?" asked Perrywinkle excitedly.  
"I may study under you, and master the art of wizardry?" 
    "Why not? You can start tomorrow, but be careful, wizardry is a one 
way street my boy: once you become one of us, you can never return to the 
old ways." 
    "Oh I don't want to return to the old ways sir, I want to be a 
wizard!"  Teflour looked at Perrywinkle suspiciously.  "Oh, and blow 
things up of course!"  Teflour smiled.  Perrywinkle rose, bowed, and 
returned home to break the good news to his father. 



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