From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Yet more ***SPOILERS***
Date: 11 Dec 92 16:16:36 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

This is my 3rd or 4th post today...  A lot has (obviously) been going through
my mind, and I'm only able to get it down in bits and snatches...  Hope this
isn't as much of a waste of bandwidth as it seems!  But onto the


******SPOILER WARNING******


Well, I felt suicidal for the first time today since I started on the new
medication...  Not nearly as serious before, and I wasn't really depressed. 
But I was experiencing an emotional flashback to that 5th grade class where I
was scared of the students and the teacher was laughing AT me...

In a way I feel upset that ASAR doesn't move faster.  I need to read those
posts to help get my mind off stuff...

Heheh...  Looks like I'm getting hooked on this newsgroup.  Well, it's better
than some of the things I could be getting myself hooked on...  :)

And I've officially decided after 6 hours of trying to go to sleep, that I'm
not going to be successful, and am giving up for today.  Ahh well, there are
worse things in this world than missing a nights worth of sleep!

Just got of the phone with my grandparents.

The ones my mother wants me to wear a mask in front of at all times.  Can't let
'em know that I am a pagan, or that I was raped, or any one of a thousand other
things.  But I should relax and be myself, and there won't be any problems...

NOT!

How the fuck can I relax and be myself when I have to hide half of who and what
I am????

Shiiiittt...

But this is all survivable.  Just damn fustrating!

Also, I should thank everyone on ASAR (yet again)!  You guys really came
through when you were needed, when I remembered the rape for the first time
last week.  Thanks a million for your support!

And sitting here at home, thinking of what my mother said, I feel that she
thinks I should be a lot farther along in my healing than I am...

Hell, I was sitting curled up in a ball before I remembered this.  And I'm
pretty certian that I'm still missing a major piece of the puzzle.  Wonder if
I'll ever discover what that piece is...

But no, I should be able to put all of that stuff aside and forget about it and
get on with my life.  Apparently I'm not allowed to have a minor break down in
the saftey of my own home, when it won't effect anyone else...  Apparently my
mother can't bare to deal with it...  (And this is the lady who is getting her
PhD in Psych!)  Argh!!!!

------

A question to anyone out there who is actually reading all of this:

Do my reactions seem rational, or am I out of line?

And gods, I hope that I'm not going to be flammed to bad for the last post I
made.  (earlier today)  Haven't had a chance to get any replies yet, but I am
afraid...  Afraid that I wasn't as far in the wrong as I think I was.  Afraid
that I was far worse than I think I was.  Afraid of acceptance here.  And
afraid of being asked to get the fuck out...

I'm just afraid.

Maybe that's why i can't sleep...

No.  That's not it.  I don't know what the fuck it is though...

Ahh well, I'm going to stop ranting and raving now, and go take a morning bath,
and then go out to eat with the grandparents...  (When they called, they
offered, so how could I resist?  :)


Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi

      Showing up is 88% of life and 98% of edcuation
           (41% of all statistics are worthless)