From: reid@metis.tti.com (Reid Kneeland)
Subject: Re: Twelve yr. old caught stealing women's underwear!
Keywords: 12 yr. old caught stealing women's underwear
Organization: Transaction Technology Inc.
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1992 16:20:52 GMT

In article <skipa.712375594@milton> skipa@milton.u.washington.edu (Skip Albertson) writes:
>If your 12 yr. old boy was caught stealing women's underwear
>at a department store, what would you do?

Ask him to pick me up some pantyhose next time?

Sorry.  I have this awful feeling that this isn't a hypothetical
question- if so, my heart goes out to you.  I'll phrase this response
as if you're the boy's father.

It seems to me that there are two issues going on here.  One is that
the boy committed a crime; the other is that he seems to be displaying
an interest in women's underwear (assuming this wasn't simply a dare
from his friends, which is possible).  Personally, I think that
stealing needs to be treated as such and punished, and the boy needs to
understand why it's wrong.  Consider this a serious discipline problem,
and treat it as you would treat any other action of similar severity.
My approach would depend a lot on the boy's background.  Is this the
first time he's been in trouble, or has he done this sort of thing
before?

I'd go easier on him if he was actually arrested and taken to the
police station than I would if the store manager called me and kept it
quiet.  The former is quite a good lesson in accountability.

Regardless of how you choose to discipline him, try to get him to talk
about why he did it and how he now feels about it.  In a discipline
situation, the authority is one-way, but communication needs to go in
both directions.

I'd also suggest having him make a face-to-face apology to the store
manager.  Don't berate him or ridicule him in front of the manager, be
on his side, but make it clear that he is accountable for his actions.
If someone stole something of his, wouldn't he expect at least an
apology?  If he goes through with this, be sure to tell him how proud
you are of his courage and integrity.  And again, get him to talk.

The sexual issue is of course touchier (no pun intended).  On the face
of it, it's perfectly natural for a twelve-year old boy to be
interested in women sexually, and consequently also interested in their
undergarments, and I wouldn't worry too much about that aspect if this
is an isolated incident.  Is this the first time he's been found with
women's underwear, or does his room look like the Victoria's Secret
catalogue?  If it seems to be a one-time thing, I'd let it go.  Don't
give him a lot of shame about it.  It isn't wrong to be curious about
women's undies.  It is very wrong to steal; THAT's what he's being
punished for.  Make sure he knows that.

If it seems to be part of a larger pattern, you have some decisions to
make.  Some counseling may be in order; at the very least, I'd consult
with a family therapist yourself to get some guidance.  The interest
may disappear when he starts dating real live girls, but what if your
son turns out to be one of those men who really has a "thing" for
women's underwear?  He probably isn't, but what if?  Do you accept
that, or are you going to try to "cure" him of it?  You probably won't
have to face this decision, but questioning one's values is always good
exercise.  I honestly don't know what I'd do.  At the very least, I'd
tell him that I love him no matter what.  Beyond that, as I said, I
really don't know.

=====================================================================
Reid Kneeland
reid@ttidca.tti.com  (that's MISTER reid@ttidca.tti.com to you!)
{philabs,psivax,pyramid,quad1,rdlvax,retix,rutgers}!ttidca!reid
Transaction Technology Inc., Santa Monica, CA, USA (310) 450-9111 x2499
The opinions expressed above do not necessarily etc etc...

Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
Xref: sparky misc.kids:20142 sci.med:14911