From: shannah@netcom.com (Teri Miller)
Subject: Re: Picking up the Tab (was: Re: What is gold-digging?)
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 03:10:45 GMT

In article <102647@netnews.upenn.edu> crawford@ben.dev.upenn.edu (Lauren L. Crawford) writes:
>
>OK, here's my last posting on the subject.  Til next week, anyway.
>
Well, I'm finding your postings interesting, so I hope you find time to
pursue this next week.

>To the men and women who think that the person inviting another out on a
>date has no need to pay, and that the invitee is a cheapskate if s/he
>doesn't offer to split expenses:
Well, this isn't exactly my philosophy, but isn't far enough off for me
to quibble.

>
>If someone invites you over to their house for dinner -- not a close
>friend, not a platonic friend, but a new potential romantic interest -- what
>would you think if you got there and the inviter says "Oh, didn't you bring
>your own dinner?  I only made enough for me"?  What were your expectations,
>based on the invitation?  Were they met?
>
If someone invites me to their home for dinner, friend, lover, boss,
whoever, I ask what they want me to bring.  (Am I a complete mutant?)
If they say "bring something to grill and something to share", no problem.
If they say "nothing", I will usually bring along something chocolate,
just in case someone forgot dessert. (I can live without almost anything,
except chocolate.)

>Or suppose you show up with flowers in hand, and the inviter feeds you
>dinner but afterward avoids you like the plague.  You finally ask what
>went wrong, and find out that s/he was pissed because you didn't supply
>your own meal.  
>
If they didn't talk to me about what they wanted, that's their loss.
If I were a mindreader, I could make even more money than I do now!

>I don't see any difference between somebody inviting me to dinner at a
>restaurant or at his house.  My assumptions will be the same.  If I don't
>know him well, and if I'm sure this is a "date" as opposed to a casual
>get-together, I assume he's providing the meal he invited me to.  If I do
>know him well or we've been out more than once together, I'll offer to split
>the cost, take him out to dessert, whatever.  
>
Well, and if I were a guy inviting you to dinner, and I wanted you to
bring something, I should either mention it, or not, but not expect you
to read my mind.

I view courtship as something 2 people do to one another, though, not
something the man does to the woman.

>And if a guy on a first date asks me to pay my way, I'll assume I got my
>signals crossed and he just wants to be friends.  Which may or may not be
>a disappointment.
>
Well, if I'm correct in remembering that Ray Fink is one who likes it
when women offer to pay their own way, you would both miss out.  That
would be a real loss, since Ray is a lot of fun, and very attractive,
too.

To me, making these kinds of assumptions when dating is sorta like
playing chess blindfolded, with your opponent refusing to tell you
what moves they've made.  I mean, there *is* a chance, however small,
that you could actually win a game of chess that way, but how incredibly
frustrating!

Doesn't make it much fun, either.


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Teri Miller                    tmiller@cisco.com -or- shannah@netcom.com
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