Newsgroups: soc.singles
From: allisson@turing.toronto.edu (H. Allisson Roome)
Subject: Teasing and other Games of Romance
Organization: Net.Gypsy/ROM
Date: 6 Nov 92 04:40:59 GMT

I don't often offer advice - that is to recommend what people
should do - but when a friend came to me with her problem,  I
didn't see much way around it.

She's a reasonably attractive woman but fairly insecure - at
least about how she relates to people and to men in particular -
with a low self-esteem.  Needless to say, people have taken
advantage of that (including a seriously abusive relationship). 
She and I met while she was dating an ex-boyfriend of mine that
I'm still reasonable friends with.

To date, only one of her relationships has lasted longer than 2
years (most never even made it to the six month part).  I think
part of the problem is that she ideally wants a Relationship and
all the men seem to want is a regular willing bed partner.  The
trite expression 'Women use sex for love/intimacy and men use
love/intimacy for sex' does spring to mind. 

I suppose that's enough of a background to get into the 'advice
part'.

She recently met someone whom she likes quite a bit.  She claims
to feel very comfortable in his presence but there are aspects of
his personality that worry her.  One of them, now I know it
sounds strange, is that the two of them are very sexually turned
on by each other.  Sounds like it shouldn't be a problem right? 
Well, she's afraid that if she 'gives in' he'll leave her or not
get to know who she is since, "all he wants is good sex not a
relationship (her thoughts, not something that was stated by
him)."   And to make matters worse, she really has fallen for
this guy and wants very much to have sex with him.  

Here's where I come in: since most of my friends perceptions of
me is that of a social/romantic butterfly - er, I'm the one who
*seems* to have people swarming around me interested (relatively
untrue but what does truth have to do with people's perceptions?)
- I'm the one that they come to for advice and empathy.

Well, I stuck my $0.02 in, I told her to be a tease.  Even more
specifically, I told her to be a cock-tease (give a nickel, then
promise a dollar and deliver ten cents).  Especially since she
was not adverse to erotic activity with this gentleman, there was
no real line that couldn't be crossed.  By 'not delivering'
completely, she baited the hook, as it were, with tantalizing
promises that could keep him on the line long enough so that he
got to know her; also, the longer this took, the less likely that
the gentleman would leave once he got the full promised activity. 
What is the old saying - always leave them wanting more?

I know it sounds cold and calculated but I could think of no
other alternate advice.  Besides, it seems to be working for her
(given what she's said to me); he's much more interested and
seems to be sticking around  -- granted she still hasn't spent
the night or anything like that yet.

I realize that she's being deceptive and dishonest -- and that I
told her to be.   But one of my two generalized rationales is
that the harder something is to obtain the more you end up
valuing it and the other is that men have done that sort of thing
often enough - I was looking through one of my mother's magazines
and there was this article about "How To Get Him To Commit" -
where women have been dating men for years/decades even and still
haven't gotten the man to make it 'official' no matter how much
they indicate their willingness to do so.  It reminds me of
Nathan Detroit and Miss Adelaide in "Guys and Dolls."  Actually,
what I think is the crucial part is that it doesn't matter what
she does as long as it works.


Allisson (remind me never to write for Dear Abby)
Newsgroups: soc.singles