From: adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu (A.D. Williams)
Subject: Re: three weeks to Valentine's Day
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1993 16:45:07 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.213236.13645@netcom.com> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
>I can't give thorns without roses any more because people will think that
>I'm copying Morticia Addams.
>
>I can still give used chocolates (box of chocolates, each slightly
>pre-masticated).
>
>I can still send rude and insulting valentines.
>
>I don't think that I'll try anything involving firearms and high towers.
>
>Mark., three weeks to brood


 Well, I'm taking a different tack. I'm too young to be cynical and
bitter about love like Mark. is, although I should think that if my 
(nonexistent) love life continues the way it does now, I would become
just like him in say, 8 years from now.

 In my confused and innocent state, I am trying to get the attentions
and affections of a 30 year old woman (I'm 22), who for all the world
looks 20. I was smitten before I found out her age, but somehow this
doesn't seem to matter to me a bit.

 Valentine's day is approaching, and I'd like to make some progress to
a more intimite state. I could send her flowers, but I already did that
for Christmas. Fine wine? I wouldn't know a good wine from my week old
rancid piss. Chocolates? She and I work out 5 days a week. No
chocolates. Satin lingere? Whoa, that's pushing it.

 So in my extensive library in my bathroom (mostly Scientific Americans,
"The Devouring Fungus", "The Microverse", "Doon", and assorted
catalogs), I rediscovered the ARCHIE McPHEE catalog. I love you, Archie.
You're beautiful. Don't ever change.

 So without getting up from the can, I filled out an order (so I keep
pens and a paper pad in my bookshelf in the bathroom, ok?) for the
following:


   1 pair Deely bobbers
   1 toad mask
   1 pair 50's sunglasses
   1 Blowfish pocket protector
   1 rubber heart
   4 suction lizards
   1 packet rubber slugs
   1 big squeek frog
   1 treasure box (full of stuff you get from gum/prize machines)
   1 backbone keyring

 and some other stuff. The total was about $50, including shipping.

After finishing my business in the can (wiping sitting down), I got
out my checkbook, wrote the check, and mailed the thing immediately
after. When I let go of the mailbox door, I got this odd feeling
like I've just launched a shoulder mounted SAM and that I was committed
and that there was no turning back. Yes, I shot off the Archie McPhee
missle of love.

 I think my targeted valentine will like this stuff. I sincerely hope
so, because I can't really comprehend what women see in ordinary
stuff like balloons and diamond rings. All in all, I know that even
if she comes in the weight room, slaps me hard across the face, knees
me in the groin and kicks me in the ribs when I'm writhing on the floor
and announces to all that I'm nothing but worthless dog spittle and if I
don't leave her alone, she'll call the local Brownie Troop to really
beat me up, I know that when she sees a a plastic nun or a fish squirt
toy, somewhere in her precious heart a faint stirring will evoke a faded
memory of me.

 So gentle t.b readers, for that special someone with bizarre or no
taste, you can send a Valentine's day gift from:


        Archie McPhee
        P.O. Box 30852
        Seattle, WA 98103
        United States of America (for those in 3rd world countries)

        Phone: (206) 782 - 2344


 It's really too late to get a catalog and order in time for Valentine's
day (although you should get a catalog anyway). Just ask for merchandise
in general terms. They have rubber chickens, insects, goofy glasses,
etc, and they take credit cards.


 Of course, I don't have any connection with Archie McPhee. I'm just
insecure enough to think that if no one else sends their valentine something
weird, I will be an outcast and be forced to live in dumpsters.


                                                  Derrick


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- Derrick Williams   Rochester Institute of Technology | Insert snappy  -
- adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu     Computer Science        | quotation here -
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