From: 6500ursa@ucsbuxa.ucsb.edu (Disco Junkie)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples
Subject: Re: Sanctity of relationships
Date: 8 Apr 92 01:25:50 GMT
Followup-To: alt.romance
Distribution: world,soc

In article <1992Apr7.005929.11543@vax5.cit.cornell.edu> rnjx@vax5.cit.cornell.edu writes:

>The question is this.  Is it ever morally and/or ethically O.K. to actively
>try to woo one member of an existing relationship from that relationship so
>that you may start one with her/him?  Under what circumstances?  How about
>pursuing someone who's engaged?  Where do you all draw the line?  If it isn't
>O.K., would you still do it anyway?

>Jeff

I"m not gonna give you moral judgements or damnation.  Just practical
advice.  As one who has been on both sides of the fence in this issue,
I can only say the following to help you make up your mind:
(I'm talking from a male view here, but it is applicable to women in
 this dilemma as well.)

1)  Live by the sword, die by the sword./What goes around, comes around.

   If you do break up, there is a good chance you will break up the way you 
   meet.  Look at the way she currently talks about her "jerk boyfriend".
   There's a good chance that YOU will be the "jerk boyfriend" in the
   future... 
   - Did she go for you because there were problems with her boyfriend
     and she couldn't tell him about it?  If so, there will be a good chance
     that should you two ever get into an argument, she will not be able to
     tell you about it, but will tell it to another guy who is willing to
     listen to her problems because he wants to win her away from you.
   - If she says that she wants to go out/sleep with you because she's not
     her current boyfriend's property, then what makes you think that she
     won't say the same thing with some other guy when you two are going
     out together?
   - If she promises you that you are special, and that she would never
     cheat on you the way she did on him, well what evidence do you
     have?  Would you invite a convicted molester to be your babysitter,
     if he told you, "I promise, I"ll never do that again..."? 

2)  Wanting is better than having.
  
   I got this from Star Trek  :-)  (Spock said something to this extent).
   It's very flattering to have someone who is attached to want you.
   For guys, it's kinda like winning a "competition".  (yes, this is
   sexist, but I'm telling it the way it is; I don't necessarily agree
   with this...)  Like you are more desirable than her boyfriend.  It's
   even more seductive if he is good looking and desirable.  But does it
   mean that YOUR relationship with her is necessarily sound?
   -Is your relationship one of you being the healer (listening to her
    problems) and she being the healee (she tells you her problems)?
    Anyone can just listen to, and be attractive to a woman (or man) when
    he/she has problems.  It's damn easy to listen to criticisms about
    some other guy, and tell her what a jerk he is. However, the real test of a 
    relationship comes when you two have your own problems.  It's a bit harder
    to listen to criticisms about you. 
   -Does she want you for you, or as a means to escape from a bad relationship?
    Is she the type that does not like to be alone no matter what, and
    plans to use you as a safety net, so that she won't be alone when she
    breaks up with her current SO?  Then, when her crisis period has passed,
    and you've outlived your usefulness, well the whole cycle starts again
    with some other guy ("oh, my boyfriend never does THAT for me...")
   -Does she only want a "rebound" relationship?  If in doubt, let her break 
    up first, then wait a few months before you get serious.  If she's unwilling
    to break up with her boyfriend unless you two get serious first, then
    you're probably just a safety net/security blanket, and it's best to run 
    away as fast as possible.  
   -Do you want her because you think that you are much better for her
    than her current boyfriend? (a very common thought)  Maybe one is right, 
    and maybe not, but there is an element of paternalism in this kind of 
    thinking.  You are saying that you know what is good for her, and that
    is YOU.  However, women who cheat around are the type who love/hate paternal
    control freaks in the first place.  She might even get mad, and go back
    to her previous ex-boyfriend if she thinks that you're trying to control
    her.
   -Don't get attracted to people because they need your help, and you
    think you can change them.  Leave that to the psychiatrists.
 
Other than that, you are free to make your own choice, if you are perfectly
willing to live with and be responsible the consequences.  I leave the
morality up to you...  Just remember that you must be very careful, as
human emotions are much more vulnerable than you think...