From: andrewb@suite.sw.oz.au (Andrew Bettison)
Subject: Re: pain...
Organization: Softway Pty Ltd
Date: 13 Oct 92 02:01:55 GMT

In <keotzv600UhW88FmpG@andrew.cmu.edu> "Alexander L. Hawkinson" <ah2j+@andrew.cmu.edu> writes:

> I have been with one person for the better part of two wonderful years.
> ... what she and I built together was true, the kind of thing that I have
> always been looking for.

> When she returned to college this year she found that one of her
> teen-years, "mystical" romances had enrolled at her school.  She started
> seeing him, and in a matter of two weeks decided that she needs to
> continue to do so until she feels that things are "solved" between them.

	It sounds like the're having a fling together.  That's
	harmless enough, except for the possibility of contracting
	a nasty STD.  The ambiguity of her situation is more of a
	worry.  Can you elaborate on what she means by "solved"?
	Has she been forthcoming about exactly what she's after,
	or how she feels about this mystical romance of hers?  Has
	she told exactly why she's doing it?

> Okay, I can deal to some extent.  Love goes beyond one's own personal
> hapiness and if she really wants to explore something else for awhile
> and that is what makes her happy, then that should be okay.

	"Should be okay."  Taking it philosophically is admirable,
	but a philosophy of relationships is not what really matters
	at this point.  It's your feelings that matter now.  Do
	you feel jealous, Alexander?  Angry?  How _do_ you feel?

> She calls me at least once every couple of days and tells me tenderly
> that she knows that I am the one that she wants to be with for the rest
> of her life and that there is no one else in the world like me.  But
> then she also says that it is just going to take time to work things out
> with this guy.  She says that she knows that I am the one for her, but
> then she continues to see this other person.

	Although you haven't written so, I presume that she's broken
	off regular personal contact with you except for these phone
	calls.

	Considering that a relationship is a dynamic thing, to
	which both partners actively contribute and through which
	both grow, then I'd say you don't have a relationship with
	her at the moment; it's stalled.  Regularly asking the
	other partner to wait is not contributing, and neither is
	waiting.

	You don't have the opportunity to express your feelings to
	her, nor to experience emotional intimacy with her like it
	sounds you did for the first two years.  Therefore,
	whatever you feel for her is increasingly a concoction of
	your own head, and decreasingly to do with the real her.
	That will put a strain on your relationship if it ever
	resumes, as you sort out your divergent expectations.

	Whereas your needs may have been quite well matched before
	she left, when she returns they will be very different.
	If her fling ends in hurt, she may need room to grieve or
	vent anger.  Alternatively, she may be satisfied, and not
	in particular need of special attention or intimacy.  You,
	however, will be sorely in need of reassurance, intimacy,
	and a re-establishment of trust.  If she can't give you
	any of these things, then your relationship will probably
	end up on the rocks.

> Can this happen.  Is she wanting to hold onto me as a security blanket,
> as something comfortable that she can have after she has had her
> excitement???  Or could it really be the case that she just needs some
> time on her own to realize through experience that what she had with me
> is what she is looking for???

	You're be better at guessing her motives than I.  I can only
	suggest possibilities.  She might be:

	i.	having a purely sexual affair with the other guy, with
		every intention of returning to you;

	ii.     exploring a romance she once broke off prematurely,
		without any idea of how it will turn out, but is
		keeping you on standby in case it fails, so she's
		got someone to catch her;

	iii.    leaving you for the other guy, but is too cowardly
		to admit it to your face, so is taking the easy
		option of lying to you until you finally realize
		and break away yourself (very selfish of her and
		painful to you);

	iv.	having a fling with the intention of testing your
		committment to her - either seeing if you'll wait, or
		seeing if you "love" her enough to get angry;

	v.      faced with a demanding ex-lover to whom she can't
		say "no", so is taking the easy way out, and hoping
		desperately that you'll hold on and understand when
		it's over;

	vi.     being blackmailed into having constant sex with
		the other guy, and unable to escape - the phone
		calls are set up to keep your suspicions at bay.

	The last case clearly illustrates how futile it is to
	speculate.  You can only get the real story from her.

> I love her,
> and I naturally could wait for her, but for those of you who have been
> in or heard of similar situations, is it worth the wait?..

	Waiting patiently for her is a big risk.  You're putting
	your own needs on hold while she indulges hers.  You're
	likely to form some resentment or frustration while you
	wait, which will get in the way of open communication with
	her until you've expressed it openly.  She might get
	exasperated with your meek submission to her unrealistic
	demands, and interpret it as lack of interest on your part
	or discover she isn't attracted to you any more because
	you're not assertive enough.

> I keep thinking that if I just give her her space and relax for awhile
> things will work out and she will realize that she is hurting me severly
> and that if she wants to be with me, it is going to take a little more
> effort than just following momentary desires.

	For someone who is "hurting severely," you seem very
	collected and reasonable about the whole affair.  This is
	only an observation of mine, and it may be way off mark,
	but I get the feeling you might have been cutting your own
	throat by being too submissive about your feelings and
	needs in the relationship.  Perhaps she's bored witless by
	your continual amiability and patience, and is unable to
	confront you directly, so this is her way of breaking loose
	and trying to force a passionate reaction from you.  Just
	speculation.

	In any event, she won't realize that she's hurting you,
	nor that she has to do more than just regularly ask you to
	wait, unless you tell her so.  If you want to yell at her,
	"You're hurting me!" then do it!  Not on the phone, ideally,
	but in person, on neutral territory (not a place where you
	live or work or play).  Arrange a meeting if necessary.

	Essentially I'm suggesting you take control of your
	situation, but don't act in isolation; talk to her!

--
Andrew Bettison (andrewb@softway.sw.oz.au)
"Gravity.  Not just a good idea.  It's the law."