From: bear@tigger.cs.Colorado.EDU (Bear Giles)
Subject: Re: Intimacy
Organization: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1992 01:23:26 GMT

In article <1992Aug18.164457.28221@rtpnc.epa.gov> rbn@ralph.rtpnc.epa.gov writes:
>You asked if any of your post made sense.  I sense that you
>are struggling with making choices.  

Actually, I'm struggling to understand the questions.

>I'm curious about what it is that you are hoping for in this old
>relationship?  It sounds like you may have a fantasy of what it
>could become -- I'm curious about what your fantasy might be.
>If things went just the way you expect or would like what would
>happen?  What would the relationship be like?  
>
>Then there's another tack:  "what is it I want out of this relationship?"
>When I'm working on that question, I usually take a while to get 
>to the meat of it.
>...
>What if you shifted some of your attention to the questions around what
>you would want from a closer relationship with someone else?  You don't
>have to abandon your other interests to do that.   You might ask 
>"If I was in a close relationship with someone here where I live, what would
>I want to characterize it?"  And you might ask,  "What would I need to 
>be able to develop a relationship like that?"

It's mythic.

There are three ways of dealing with life.  You can become a pathetic
sheep following the herd, a pathetic sheep resenting the herd, or you
can follow a Hero's Journey.

(e.g., you can become a corporate clone and vote Republican, wear black
at all times and vote Democrat, or find your own path).

All of my friends, including Pam, and I follow the Hero's Journey.  I
am far enough along to look to other Journeys for guidance.  (The most
important one right now is Parzival's search for the Holy Grail, which
is a story of loyalty, compassion and integrity).

Pam, in contrast, if sitting at the start of the Journey asking "Do I
want to proceed?"  Actually, she's begun but you never know that until
it's too late....

I've looked for local women following their own Hero's Journey and close
in age, unattached, etc., and haven't been able to find any.  I'm sure 
they're there,... and probably looking for me!  It's just connecting with
them is extremely difficult.  (As is connecting with me, to be honest).

Meanwhile, I have no "fantasies" about me, let alone her, in the classical
sense.  "Fantasies" are for farmers -- people who stay in the same place,
doing the same thing, year after year.  I (and Pam) are hunters/explorers
whose only hope for tomorrow is that it be different from today.  Knowing
What tomorrow will be like defeats the whole purpose!

>In the last year I have risked going to men's meetings, martial arts classes,
>Awareness Through Movement classes,  drumming classes, and other 
>1-time events/meetings.  Each time I do these things, I'm learning from
>watching other people, I learn about my ability to try new things and meet
>new people, I find issues that I can work on, I learn more about what I
>like and dislike.

Read Joseph Campbell.

And realize this is only the first step, of many.


Bear Giles
bear@fsl.noaa.gov
Newsgroups: alt.support