From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: The Mask
Date: 22 Dec 92 15:37:33 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

I'm not really certian why I'm posting this message, but I know I must.  So I
shall.  I'm posting from that safe place.  I'm also in a slightly demented
place with a slightly skewered look upon this thing we call reality.  And
therefore I find that I must give a


***  SPOILER   WARNING  ***


There, now that's done.  Now perhaps I can continue down the path and try to
figure out this thing that suffocates me.  A mask.  I don't want to wear it,
and yet I must.  This mask has a lot of removable pieces, but it seems that
whenever a piece is taken away, another one materializes in it's place.  It may
serve a slightly different function, but I cannot get rid of the mask no matter
how hard I try.

My family tells me not to wear the mask at all.  But I also cannot show myself
for what I am, without causing problems.  So pieces of the mask materialize
again as soon as I try to remove them.  Have to keep up that perfect image, ya
know!

With a couple friends, I have to wear the mask to keep them from being
constantly reminded of how much I care.  They don't want a part of my heart,
but they already own part of my soul.  They know this, and sometimes I can
speak through the mask to show how I really am, but I dare not remove it, lest
I throw fear into the friends.  So the mask stays.

I'm beggining to be able to take pieces away, and leave them cast aside.  Not
often, but sometimes.  Today I got a postcard in the mail:

          All College Students

          meet with me in my
        office for talk and donuts
        Sundays Dec. 27 and Jan 3
        9:45 a.m.
                See ya!
                        Pastor Susan

I've had major differences with my family about religion.  They know I don't
share their beleifs, but I still have to hide some of me anyways.  It's easier
than showing who I am, for I would be cut down like so much rainforest timber.
Pastor Susan knows that I am of Paganistic beleifs.  One Sunday I actually went
to a service, and if my grandparents didn't show up as well (Argh!  Gotta wear
a LOT more of the mask to keep them and my parents happy.  Can't let them know
that I have troubles, or disagreements regarding religion, or that my life is
less than perfect!)  I was introduced to the new Asst. Pastor at that church,
and if the grandfolks weren't there, I would have come back with, "Well, it's
nice to meet you.  But if we're going to stand on formalities, I'm Pastor
Doug..."  And from there go on to explain at point blank range that I have
different beleifs.  Only I couldn't with the grandparents there.  I'm seriously
considering going in on Sunday to this meeting, whatever the fuck it may be,
and asking Pastor Susan in front of everyone, "What can this Pagan do to be of
service?"

And watch my family panic, and force me to wear even more of the mask.  I'm
merely waiting for the weight of it all to force me to crumble.  Can't tell
people what makes me *ME*.  No religious differences, gotta fit the mold, gotta
tolerate racism and homophobia amongst some family members.  Have to censor my
language and my humor.  Can't permit my thought processes to be seen.  Have to
hide it all.

And people wonder why I'm unhappy with life.

I don't get it.

<><><><>
Krikket (a.k.a. Doug Krick)  ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  anon.77@pax.tpa.com.au

 "And the Germans killed the Jews.  And the Jews killed the Arabs.
  And the Arabs killed the hostages.  And that is the news."