From: Keith.Jones@p13.f15.n114.z1.fidonet.org (Keith Jones)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: Life
Date: 18 Nov 92 21:30:40 GMT
Reply-To: Keith.Jones@p13.f15.n114.z1.fidonet.org
Organization: FidoNet node 1:114/15.13 - <Stat Gateway Servi, Phoenix AZ
X-Fidonet: Spinal Injury Conference
Originator: wtm@sheldev.shel.isc-br.com

Index Number: 25759

[This is from the Spinal Injury Conference]

 BD> I have been fighting with my  self about this.  It has been
 BD> four years now  since the accident, and I feel I haven't
 BD> done what is expected of me.   After I was though rehab, I
 BD> didn't keep going.  I didn't go on to school  like they
 BD> wanted me to.  I just didn't feel ready, and I still
 BD> don't.  I  don't want to do something just because someone
 BD> else wants me to.  I know  that I wouldn't put my heart
 BD> into it.  It would seem more like a task I  have to achive
 BD> in.  And, if I don't I will be disappointing them.  I
 BD> couldn't handle that.  The reason I'm telling you this,
 BD> and anyone else  that might be reading this, is I want to
 BD> know what you do with your time.  I feel like I should
 BD> have my degree or working toward it by now.  I feel  like
 BD> I should have a full or part time job.  Something that
 BD> would take me  out into "the world" everyday.  Don't get
 BD> me wrong, I do keep myself  busy, but I feel I haven't
 BD> done anything.  I'm told by others that I do  more in a
 BD> day, than they do in a lifetime.  But, I don't see it that
 BD> way.  It hasn't helped my self-esteem at all, when they do
 BD> say this.  I feel  like they are saying it just to be
 BD> nice.  I want you to understand that  I just want to get
 BD> your and others input on this.  Do any of you feel the
 BD> same way about this?  If so, tell me.  How active are you
 BD> in society?   I want to know if I'm really taking
 BD> advantage of my situation, because  that's almost what I
 BD> feel like.  At least, that's what I think others are  thinking of me.

 Hi Beth,

 Let me say that I can relate to everything you've said. I have searched
 for my place in this world for 8+ years since my injury. Let me tell
 you what I've found.

 In 1984, I was left a C-8, T-1 quadriplegic. I went through rehab
 faster and with a better attitude than anyone they had ever seen. I met
 my future wife in rehab where she was a nurse.

 When I left the rehab, I went home to live with my parents. I was
 almost 29 years old and had not lived at home for well over 8 years.
 Needless to say, I was miserable. My existence was to get up, shower,
 exercise and watch TV. My future wife suggested we live together. I
 felt this was a divinely inspired answer to my problems. This woman was
 my answer.

 We rented a house and I moved in with her and her two kids. Seven
 months later we were married. Our problems were only beginning. Not
 only did she work full time but she was also my full time nurse. She
 did almost everything for me and I depended on her heavily. During this
 time I had vocational rehab people bugging me to go back to college. I
 did not think I was independent enough and just wanted to be left
 alone. I liked not working since I did not have to (I have Worker's
 Compensation money for the rest of my life plus a settlement from a
 medical malpractice suit I expected to get) My life for the next year
 and a half would consist of getting up, showering, exercising and
 watching TV. Big change, right! Same thing, different location.

 After a year and a half, I was miserable. I took it out on my wife and
 her kids and after a big fight, she left me. Here I was by myself in
 this house. I decided I didn't need anybody, I could take care of
 myself. I did for one month and when the lease expired, I moved out on
 my own. I began drinking very heavily. Soon the novelty and sense of
 accomplishment I got from living on my own wore off. I drank more. I
 became suicidal. I decided I had to do something with my life. I
 returned to college after contacting BVR (Bureau of Vocational
 Rehabilitation). School was the answer.

 Two and a half years later, I graduated from college with a 3.96 GPA
 and a Bachelor's degree in Social Work. I met a woman and became
 engaged. I got money from a settlement. I became involved in wheelchair
 racing. I should be happy, right? I wasn't. I could not work a full
 time job due to the pain associated with my spasticity. Actually, I had
 never really planned to work. Now school, which had kept me busy, was
 over and my drinking took on new proportions. I had had my problems with
 it through school though it never affected my grades. Now I found I had
 to drink all the time to control my spasticity (it worked great while I
 was drunk) and also to overcome boredom. I drank until my fiancee left me.
 Ironically, I quit to get her back and four months after I quit and we
 split up, she married someone else. This was over 3 years ago. I have not
 had a drink since that time (7-20-1989).

 I found myself sober and very shortly with debilitating back pain,
 central nerve pain in one foot and inreasingly bad and painful
 spasticity. I had lived my whole life in Cleveland, Ohio. My family,
 friends and support group was there. The problem with Cleveland is that
 it is too cold. I spent a winter in virtual isolation with the pain in my
 back and foot reaching the point where I was ready to commit suicide.
 My life during this time was waking up, laying around in pain and
 depression for endless days. I could not exercise and got no enjoyment
 from anything.

 Spring came and I forced myself to take one class at a community
 college. I was able to get out more but was still miserable. Life
 itself was monotonous. There had to be more.

 As winter (1990) again approached and my pain and spasticity increased, I
 made a decision to move to Phoenix where I did not know a soul but where
 the weather was warm. I moved and spent a winter there with pain and
 spasticity also, though it was not as bad. At least I could get out and
 stay busy. I swam at the college when I felt like it. I went to AA
 meetings about town. I also found this echo during that time and bought
 this computer. I returned to Cleveland during the summer for 5 months.
 I remember telling a friend that there had to be more to life than
 swimming and AA meetings. Yet that was my life.

 Fall (1991), I moved everything to Phoenix. Winter came again. By this
 time my pains and spasticity had been diagnosed as chronic pains which
 absolutely nothing could be done for. I decided to drive to California
 and visit a hypnotist to help me not only deal with physical pain but
 to help me get on with my life. I returned and immediately began
 working out despite back pain that was killing me (literally). That was
 February of this year. I have worked out 3 times a week and swam every day
 since then.

 I was able to drive to a hospital in Denver and take a trip of the
 southwest this summer. It was great. I went back to Cleveland for a
 month. Now I'm back in Phoenix and in the process of starting to have a
 house built. I am strongly considering returning to school again.

 Am I happy today? My life has improved a great deal. I am very grateful
 for what I do have and for what God has allowed me to accomplish. Yet I
 look at my life today and it really has not changed all that much. I
 still get up, shower exercise and watch TV. I also attend AA meetings
 and log onto the board when I can to help others. I do, however, feel
 this "need" to do more. Sometimes I think that that is expecting too
 much from myself, but most of the time I feel I can meet the challenge
 and should be doing more. I also feel as you do...that my life should
 be more constructive. Right now my life is busy and that is good
 because I need to keep busy. It keeps me out of my mind where trouble
 waits if I think too much. I try now to live one day at a time. The
 difference between now and before is that I perceive things much
 differently today. I try not to place unrealistic expectations on
 myself yet place realistic responsibilities on myself. I have spent the
 last 8+ years (actually my life) searching for who I am and what I am
 supposed to do. And while I have not gotten to where I am going, I have
 made progress. The answer comes from within. I KNOW that I am supposed
 to help other people in some capacity, but how I don't know. I do know
 that if I am patient and try to do God's will, instead of my own,
 things will work out for me in God's time not my own.

 In your message, I can read alot of guilt and remorse over not having
 done what you think you should have. These are negative emotions and
 can only serve to hurt you. The past is gone, it cannot be recaptured.
 Opportunities have not left, time has merely passed. You can start over
 today.

 You also put alot of weight on what others expect or think of you. That
 is not important. I could never have done ANY of the things I have talked
 about if I did what others expected or thought I should do. What others
 think is not important. What is important is what you think of
 yourself. You have to live with you, nobody else does. Do what you have
 to do for you, not anybody else. The answers come from within. It is
 only there they can be found. You can only be comfortable and have high
 self esteem when you know that you have done all you can the best you
 can. This is not to say you should do or could do all the things I have.
 It differs for each individual. Sometimes the only thing a person can
 do is simply talk to someone on the phone or write a reply to a
 message. I do know and hopefully, you can gather from my story that the
 trying to fix your life or make yourself feel better with external things
 whether they be money, sexual partners, popularity, degrees, GPA's,
 different places to live, or jobs is fruitless. These things make you feel
 better temporarily but the feeling is transitory and is soon replaced with
 another external need. True happiness comes from within. Only YOU can
 answer the question of whether or not you have done everything possible
 to change your life to make it be the way you realistically want it to
 be. If your honest answer is yes, then be happy and do what you can. If
 it is no, then it is up to you to do something to change it. We all
 only get one life. Might as well make the best of it. Once time goes
 by, it's history. Forget about time lost and take advantage of time now.

 Sorry for such a long reply. Please don't feel as though I'm lecturing
 you, I am merely trying to help. Writing these replies helps me even if
 it doesn't help you. I need to read what I write probably more than any
 other person. Hope this helps. Good luck.

-Keith-

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