From: missy@ntmtv.UUCP (Missy Iaquinto)
Subject: Circum.: When Parents Disagree :-(
Originator: missy@ara
Reply-To: missy@ntmtv.UUCP (Missy Iaquinto)
Organization: Northern Telecom Inc, Mountain View, CA
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 21:21:32 GMT


I know alot of folks are getting tired of all the circumcision
discussions, and hope they excercise their right to skip this
article ;-).

This discussion happens to be coming at a time when my husband
and I are needing to make this decision, and I'm looking for
some net.experience, or at least some net.advice.

We have a 3 year old daughter.  When I was pregnant with her,
and we did not know her gender, we never really "agreed" on
the issue, I was against, he was for.  At that time, I had
said once, and now regret saying, that he could make the
final decision, but that I was against it.  We never really
discussed it further, but I'm sure that had Kayla been a boy,
she would have been circumcised.

During the last 3 years, I have become even MORE anti-routine-
circumcision, and am due in 7 weeks, AND we know it's a boy.

Since we found out the gender, my husband brought it up once,
reminding me that, "so it's MY decision about circumcision, right?"
and indicated that he's still pro-circum. (he is circumcised).    
To which I made some weak protest, making a mental note to make
sure and bring this up again when "the time is right."

Now, obviously, I don't want to discuss the pros and cons of
the circumcision issue itself, most of us by now already know
how we feel about it.   Just to give a comparable example,
when discussing a name for the baby, he mentioned that he 
recalled that the name we chose for our daughter was one that
I had suggested, so it's only fair that he get to select the
name for our son.  Now, here are my thoughts.  Yes, I was
the one who came up with our daughter's name, but we BOTH
liked it and we AGREED that that's what it would be.  In fact,
it was in the delivery room, when the nurse asked, "what's her
name?" that HE replied with the name, before then we still had
two names to choose from.  Actually, when he said this about
him being able choose the boy's name, he sorta mumbled that
perhaps that wasn't all that great of reasoning, although he
didn't really come out and say that.  It's just that he
REALLY likes the name he chose, and I know he REALLY wants it,
and is trying to come up with any reason to give him the "edge."
Incidentally, I'm not wild about the name he picked, but have
not made an issue about that, I told him a name I liked when
he asked, and it's still an unresolved issue.  I know how
much he likes and wants the name he picked, and am seriously
considering it simply on those grounds, we just havn't officially
decided yet.  I bring up this name thing just to show a couple
of things, #1 when he REALLY wants something, he comes up with
any reason he can think of (even sometimes halfway admitting
it's not a valid argument) to get what he wants (don't alot
of us do that?), and #2 I am not unwilling to lean his way
when we disagree.

Now, the real issue and question.  Although I do think a person's
name is an important decision, I have to say I feel more strongly
about circumcision, I REALLY DON'T want it done to my son.  My
husband REALLY WANTS it done.  I REALLY WANT us to both feel
comfortable with whatever decision is made.  At this point, I sure
don't see any compromise.  Like I said, this has only come up once
in passing so far, and I have a feeling he just thinks I'll go along
with his wishes.  But with this issue, I just don't feel comfortable
"going along" with it.  It's not something that can be "undone."

My husband comes from a very traditional upbringing, and feels that
he should make the final decisions when it comes to a son, simply because
he's male.  Three years ago I would have felt comfortable with that,
since I'm NOT male, but now I don't feel like that's a good enough
reason.  I'm one of his parents, and I don't want it done.  My husband
is in the same boat, he's one of his parents, and he DOES want it done.
So who wins?  How do we decide fairly?

There must be lots of parents out there who have disagreed on this subject
and resolved it ... who wanted what, and what was the outcome?  I find it
particularly interesting that it's very typical for the mother to be
against routine (male) circumcision, and the father to be for it, when
there's a disagreement.

Actually, I never really thought much of it at all until the last 5 years
or so.  My brother, who is now 29, was circumcised (father is also), and
wishes he weren't.  When I mentioned this to my husband during my first
pregnancy, he was really surprised at that.

I'm counting on you, misc.kidder's .... not to make the decision, but
to give some helpful advice ... NOT to debate circumcision, but to
relate experiences when the parents disagree strongly about it ...

What to do?

Missy Iaquinto


Newsgroups: misc.kids