From: xtkmg@trentu.ca (Kate Gregory)
Subject: Re: SAFE SEX or SAFER SEX?
Organization: Trent University, Ontario
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 16:27:18 GMT

In article <16B61ADAE.M18611@MBVM.Mitre.Org> M18611@MBVM.Mitre.Org (Kathy Wilk) writes:
> 
>  Here's something I would like to have cleared up - is there such a thing as
>safe sex (outside of marriage - OK, perhaps even in marriage, it's not so
>safe...)?
>  I was under the impression that even sex with a condom was only SAFER sex,

Yes, there is such a thing as safe sex. No, penis-in-vagina sex with a
condom is not safe sex, it is only safer sex. Safer by far than the
same thing without a condom, but not safe.

What is safe? What is sex? These are the questions you have to be
comfortable with. Our kids are going to grow up with this, and if
they grow up thinking only penis-in-vagina is sex and everything
else is either foreplay or disgusting and perverted, then they wil
have sex lives that are stunted by AIDS (or lives that are shortened
by it). but if they grow up thinking lots of things are sex and knowing
what's safe and what's only safer, and what's damned risky if not
fatal, they can have happy healthy sex lives.

What's safe? Know where bodily fluids come from: eyes, nose, mouth,
nipples if you're lactacting, genitals, wounds including cuts and
sores or bleeding gums. Know what parts of the body are vulnerable
to infection by someone else's bodily fluids: mucus membranes including
inside the mouth, vagina, and rectum, wounds including cuts and sores
or bleeding gums. Anything that doesn't bring these into contact
at all (not even through latex) is safe.

You can put your hand *on* any part of your partner's body. You
can put a finger or two into those parts where it will fit. Putting
a whole hand into your partner's body should be done with latex and
will only be safer, not safe. You can kiss and lick any part
of your partner's body that does not emit bodily fluids. You can
emit your own bodily fluids onto your partner's back or arm or other
nice safe places. You can rub your bodies together. You can use
"marital aids" like dildos or vibrators anywhere on your partner (though
people should be very careful about sharing toys). Rubbing, touching,
and licking are lots of fun for both people and if you stay away
from the bodily fluid sources they are completely safe.

What is safer? Anything where bodily fluids could get to a vulnerable
spot but are restrained by latex. Condoms, dental dams, gloves. Because
the latex might not keep the virus away from the vulnerable places,
these kinds of sex are not safe, only safer than doing the same thing
without the latex. What else is safer? A list of latex-free contacts
that do bring bodily fluids against mucus membranes but have
not been shown to have made anyone ill. There's a problem with this
list though. Kissing hasn't been shown to transmit the virus, for
example. Everyone in the world who is HIV+ has another risk factor
besides kissing an HIV+ positive person. They have had needles or
blood transfusions or have recieved someone else's bodily fluids.
There is no-one who has only done kissing and who is HIV+. But there
are not many people who have only done kissing, you see.

Take fellatio. Especially in the early days of AIDS, you could't find
a gay man who had only done fellatio. Everyone had tried anal sex
at least once. Who knows exactly how the HIV+ ones got infected,
if they said they'd had anal sex then that was their risk factor. There
are, today, at least two men in the world who have only ever had oral sex,
no other sexual activity of any kind, and who are HIV+. There are
at least three lesbians who have never had sex with a man, have no other
risk factors, and who have become HIV+ through sex with a woman.
So, is latex-free oral sex safe? Clearly, no. Is it safer than latex-free
anal or vaginal sex? Yes. Is it safe enough that you don't need
latex? The answer varies. In Europe AIDS hotlines say you don't
need latex for fellatio, cunniligus, or analingus (rimming), but
don't let a man come in your mouth. In North America you will be
told to use a condom for fellatio and a dental dam for cunnilingus
or analingus. Advise your child as you see fit.

What about monogamy? Think about this first. Around the world,
70% of the women with AIDS (or it might have been HIV+ women,
I forget), have had ONE sexual partner in their whole life. Their
monogamy didn't save them. Think about that for a while before you
decide to teach your child only monogamy and abstinence.

Kate

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