HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: 00jlrushton@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: POLISH ASCII'S! READ! RESPOND! LAUGH!
Date: 16 Dec 92 07:47:19 GMT
Organization: Ball State University, Muncie, In - Univ. Computing Svc's

This is the polish ASCII!!!!!


*  star

----> spear

$ money

########################## a stick

duytr8y4827   james bond

:HYYTG&G
dsdferf
dsd
                    a cow under a tree!



  ) 0
   ; 
 0000                  george washington on a invisible ship!



0 0
                         casper the ghost



          ?              a dead person




mona lisa                  the mona lisa


please kill a tree today!
Take all the beer bottles off the wall now!

signed,
stimpi
From: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM (Fil Feit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Where do jokes get started?
Date: 15 Dec 92 13:38:54 GMT
Reply-To: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM
Organization: Sun Microsystems

In article 7672@cunews.carleton.ca, cs401017@scs.carleton.ca (tonis kasvand) writes:
>>> >There are so many jokes out there that I have heard from a variety of
>>> >different people in different parts of the country.  The question is,
>>> >who makes up these old jokes?  Does the stork bring them?  Are they
>>> >all a matter of the collective conscience?  Is there a joke God?  What
>>> >up?
>>> 
>>
>>There is actually a computer program that has 10,000 Milton Berle Jokes.
>>
>    Where can I find it?  What's it's name? Does the program say "
> Take my drive, please" .  ICK , YUCK, POO !
>
>    I need a vacation...
>
>--
>   Tonis Kasvand Jr.           |  "Never slam your locker door in the dark
> Ottawa, Canada ...(EH?)       | when you're naked." 
>				       - Big Bobby Clobber 
>				        The Royal Canadian Air Farce .

STOP!  Wrong old possibly dead comedian!

Milton Berle is famous for stealing jokes.

Henny Youngman is famous for the one liners, most of which are two or three
liners, including, "Take my wife.  Please!" and such gems as....

A man walks into a psychiatrists office and says, "Doc, everyone ignores me."
Doctor says, "Next!"

I got a full examination at the doctor. I said, "Doc, how do I stand?"  Doc says,
"That's what puzzles me."

A guy walks up to me on the street and says, "I haven't eaten in days."  I
say, "You should force yourself."

I bought my wife an electric oven, electric toaster, electric blender.  She
says, "there's too many appliances, I have nowhere to sit down," so I bought
her an electric chair.

I just came back from a pleasure trip.  Took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I just came back from Hollywood, where I made two pictures.  One like this
[shows profile], one like this [shows other profile].

My wife wanted to go somewhere she's never been before.  I suggested the
kitchen.

Today's my 40th anniversary.  Imagine.  In love with the same woman for
40 years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

The secret of our successful marriage is, twice a week, we go to a nice
restaurant.  A little wine, some nice food.  I go Tuesday, she goes Thursday.

I go to my doctor's office.  He says go to the window and stick out your tongue.
I say, "Why?"  He says, "I'm mad at the guy next door."

The doctor says, "take off your clothes."  I say, "Buy me dinner first."

--f2

Sorry.  Got carried away.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: LJ03933@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM
Subject: Snoopy ascii
Organization: Lockheed Missiles & Space Company, Inc.
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 15:50:34 GMT

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


                               ###
                              ##
                    ####### ##
               #####       ##
             ###           # ##
            #              #   #
          ##               #    #
          #                      #
        ##                        #
        #                          ###
       ##                             ##
       #                                #####
      #                                      ###
      #                           #             ###   ####
     ##                          ##                ##########
     ### #       #             ###                   ########
    ##### # # ####            ##                      ###   ###
    ######## ## ##           ##                        ###  ###
    ###############         ##                         ###   ##
   ################        ##                           ##   ###
   ################        #                            ### ####
   #################                                     #######
   #################                                     ######
  ##################                                      #####
  ##################                                      #####
  ##################                                      ####
 ####################                                     ###
 ####################                                     #
 #####################                                    #
 #####################                                    #
 #####################                                    #
 #####################       ##                           #
 #####################      #                            #
 #####################     ###                           #
 #####################     # #                           #
 #####################     #  #                         #
 #####################     #  #                         #
 #####################         #                       ##
 #####################         #                       #
  ####################          #                    ##
  ####################           #                   #
  ####################           ##                ##
  ####################             #              ##
  ####################              ##      ######
  ####################         #############
   ##################         ##
   ##################       ##
   ##################      ##
   #################       #
    ##########################
    ################         #
     ##############          #
     #############           #
      ########################
        ########           ##
         ######             ##
                             #

---
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Xref: sparky rec.humor:36748 soc.culture.soviet:11227
From: v140pxgt@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.culture.soviet
Subject: Re: some Soviet emigre restaurant jokes
Date: 18 Dec 92 05:45:00 GMT
Organization: University at Buffalo
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Dec17.225446.2950@oakhill.sps.mot.com>, bradj@oakhill.sps.mot.com (Brad R. Johnson) writes...
>In article <1gij2mINNqsl@agate.berkeley.edu> muh@physics.Berkeley.EDU (Yury M. Mukharsky) writes:
>>In article <gDyoVB1w165w@bwalk.dm.com> dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis) writes:
>>>
>>Kto nibud' znaet, gde vzroslo eto blednoe chudo? Na prostorah Oklahomschiny ili
>>na pomoikah NYC? Ili on vse zhe sam sebja sechet?
> 
>Gosh darnit!  My ROT13 doesn't work.  Can anybody tell me what this says?

It's Russian transliterated. As far as I can tell, it translates literally to:

"Anybody know where this pale wonder came from? The Oklahoma plains or a hole in
New York City? Or does he cut himself up everywhere?

Obviously, I think I'nm missing some colloquialisms. Any of the emigres want to
"davajte mne ruku"?

> 
>>Yury M.
> 
>Brad
>bradj@daffy.sps.mot.com

							Dan Case
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: jdeutsch@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Jeffrey Deutsch)
Subject: Re: Lawyer jokes
Followup-To: rec.humor
Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax, Va.
Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1992 10:35:41 GMT

In article <18279@mindlink.bc.ca> Robyn_Clark@mindlink.bc.ca (Robyn Clark) writes:
>      Did you hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a
>solicitor?
>
>Explanitory Note:  (for the Americans that only have "Attorneys"
>
>In Great Britain, Canada, and other Commonwealth countries lawyers are either
>Barristers or Solicitors... I can't remember which is which but I think one
>does trial work and the other doesn't...
>
	Barristers do trial work - hence their name, bar-risters - they
practice before the bar (for the uninitiated, it's the barrier in a
courtroom between the public area in the rear and the bench, dock, etc.
in the front, through which only the official folks may pass).

>
>
>Q.      What does a lawyer and a nuclear weapon have in common?
>
>A.      Whenever you use them, they fuck things up!
>
 Q.      What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

 A.      A rooster clucks defiance...

	 Jeff Deutsch

-- 
Q: How many gun banners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light
bulbs!
From: f012@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: WANTED: David Letterman Top Ten Lists
Date: 16 Dec 92 00:49:59 GMT
Organization: Lehigh University

In article <1992Dec13.022837.20533@CSD-NewsHost.Stanford.EDU>, hayashi@Xenon.Sta
nford.EDU (Warren Bocho Hayashi) writes:
>
>        Can someone please mail me a list of Letterman's Top Ten for ....
>Thanks in advance.
>
>Warren
>hayashi@xenon.stanford.edu
>
Do you have ANY idea how many Top Ten lists there were?  Think...1 a day for 5
or 6 years??

I suggest you go to your local bookstore and get copies of the books they
published, there's 2 or 3 now....

-- 

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 | I don't know about the rest of you, but signature files REALLY annoy me. |
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: Ahn@pop.cis.yale.edu (Mos Eisley)
Subject: Joy to the World
Followup-To: rec.humor
Organization: Yale University
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 06:13:22 GMT

We had a X-mas dinner/party and a friend of mine made a startling
revelation.

While singing Joy to the World, you can have much more fun singing the
lyrics to Bon Jovi's "You give love a bad name" instead.

Shot to the heart!
And you're to blame.
Cuz you
Give love
A bad name!

--
Mos Eisley  
"Television is the opiate of the masses."
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cei352@cck.coventry.ac.uk (The Freak)
Subject: Re: Test
Organization: The Place where Godiva rode in the nudie
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 16:54:27 GMT

In article <1992Dec18.143400.6456@bmerh85.bnr.ca> coop1d11@bmerh301.bnr.ca (David Smith) writes:
>In article <1992Dec18.020436.2148@news.arc.nasa.gov> nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) writes:
>>In article <BzF6E3.Lp7@cck.coventry.ac.uk> cei352@cck.coventry.ac.uk (The Freak) writes:
>>>In article <1992Dec17.102719.13134@bsu-ucs> 01jmbrown@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu writes:
>>>>In article <1992Dec17.003955.27658@spock.UUCP>, gumby@spock.uucp (Danny Richman) writes:
>>>>> In article <1992Dec11.232428.9398@pasteur.Berkeley.EDU> xiaohan@euler.Berkeley.EDU (Xiaohan Yun) writes:
>>>>>>In article <1992Dec7.232807.15638@spock.UUCP> kurgan@spock.uucp (Andrew Twyman) writes:
>>>>>>>In article <1992Dec7.225159.15483@spock.UUCP> ramirez@spock.uucp (Andreas Orphanides) writes:
>>>>>>>>In article <1992Dec6.212621.12609@spock.UUCP> bane@spock.uucp (Cameron Huang) writes:
>>>>>>>>>In article <184434@pyramid.pyramid.com> vkhare@misdev.mis.pyramid.com (Vilas Khare) writes:
>>>>>>>>>>.this is a test message, please ignore.
>>>>>>>>>You are a dork, and your post's a bore.
>>>>>>>>Read alt.test for tests galore.
>>>>>>>I hope this cascade doesn't go on much more.
>>>>>>But you know that you are telling a forklore.
>>>>> This is starting to make me snore.
>>>>is this the rec.humor people adore?
>>>Or is it porn,which is hard core.?
>>Haven't when been through all this before?
>No, have some BEER and let me pour!
But I cant drink,my throat is sore.!

-- 
      **************************************************************** 
      ****************  cei352@uk.ac.coventry.cck  *******************
      *  It only takes a rumour to bring the downfall of a kingdom.  *
      **********************  THE FREAK  *****************************
From: desai@blsouth.bss.com (Hiren Desai)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Clean Quotes and Jokes
Date: 11 Dec 92 19:17:12 GMT
Organization: BellSouth Telecommunications - Science and Technology


THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL ACTUAL & FACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM THE PAPERS OF 
STUDENTS FROM 8TH GRADE THROUGH COLLEGE.  (talk about rewriting history...)

	"The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such 
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert 
are cultivated by irrigation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
of a huge triangular cube."

	"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock"

	"In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses, and also wrote
literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head."

	"The Constitution of the united States was adopted to secure domestic
hostility.  Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms."

	"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, so was Handel.  Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half ENglish.  Bach died from 1750 to the
present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he
wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling
for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this."

	"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest
queen.  SHe sat on a thorn for sixty-three years."

	"Abraham Lncoln became America's greatest precedent.  Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.  He said ,"n onion there is strength". Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg 
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an 
envelope.  He aslo fredd the slaves by signign the Emasculation Proclamation.
Lncoln went ot the theatre and got shot by one of the actors in a moving 
picture show.  The beleived assasinator was John WIlked Booth, a supposingly
insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career."

			tee hee.
From: jwu@cs.ubc.ca (Joseph Wu)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Confucious Says..................................
Date: 12 Dec 1992 15:43:16 -0800
Organization: Computer Science, University of B.C., Vancouver, B.C., Canada
NNTP-Posting-Host: cascade.cs.ubc.ca

(Dave ) writes:

>Confucious say:

>"He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger."

No, no, no...
The correct translation (since the Chinese form is a rhyming
couplet) is this:

Confucious say, 
   "He who sleep with itchy bum,
    He will wake with smelly thumb."

-- 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joseph Wu    <jwu@cs.ubc.ca>   | Witty quote is now back to the
Master's Candidate             |   drawing board due to squeamish
University of British Columbia |   readers. Any suggestions?
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas)
Subject: Re: Invisible ASCII
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 04:48:18 GMT

In article <1992Dec16.025954.10050@ringer.cs.utsa.edu> sbooth@lonestar.utsa.edu (Simon E. Booth) writes:
>In article <BzBBny.94D@mentor.cc.purdue.edu> mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas) writes:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>What was this?? An ascii pic of a stealth aircraft?  Or perhaps a Romulan
>ship cloaked.
>
>Simon
>

Read the subject again.  It's invisible ASCII.  Can't you see it?  ;)

-- 
John Mechalas                      | If you think my opinions are Purdue's, then
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu      |      you vastly overestimate my importance.
Purdue University Computing Center |             Help put a ban on censorship :)
General Consulting                 |                       #include disclaimer.h
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: cs401017@scs.carleton.ca (tonis kasvand)
Subject: Re: West Virginia
Organization: School of Computer Science, Carleton University, Ottawa, Canada
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 02:43:46 GMT

>> If Virginia is for lovers, I'm from Missouri.
>
>Well, seeing as ONE of the state mottos for VA is the above mentioned, I will
>assume you are from Missouri.  Since that is the case, COULD YOU EXPLAIN ONE
>OF YOUR STATES MOTTO'S FOR ME, in particular, the one the goes:
>
>Missouri:  The Show Me State.
>
>What the hell is there to show in missouri?  

    Well, In ONTARIO, CANADA our license plate is 'YOURS TO DISCOVER' .

I'm sure there are lots of tourists visiting Ontario going: 
	What the hell am I looking for? Dumb Canadians.

--
   Tonis Kasvand Jr.           |  "Never slam your locker door in the dark
 Ottawa, Canada ...(EH?)       | when you're naked." 
				       - Big Bobby Clobber 
				        The Royal Canadian Air Farce .
From: griska@teecs.UUCP (William Griska)
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 12:52:24 GMT
Subject: Re: Rubber jokes
Organization: Litton Systems, Toronto ONT
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Here's a few more.

	cover your stump before you hump

	berfor you attack her - wrap your wacker

	when in doubt - shroud your spout

	don't be a loner - cover your boner

	you can't go wrong if you shielld your dong

	if your not going to sack it - go home and wack it

	if you think she's spunky - cover your monkey

	if you slip between her thighs - be sure to condomize

	it will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

	she won't get sick if you wrap your dick

	if you go into heat - package your meat

	while you're undressing venus - dress up your penis

	especially in december - gift wrap your member

	never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

	don't be a fool  - vulcanize your tool

	the right selection - protect your erection

	wrap it in foil before checking her oil

	a crank with armor will never harm her

	no glove - no love

bye!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
Subject: Re: Indiana's Slogan
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 20:26:11 GMT

>=)That's not as bad as New Hampshire's classic "Live Free Or Die". Is that 
>=)supposed to be some kind of choice? I don't understand. And also Indiana's
>=)"Wander" (well, given that they produced Dan Quayle, maybe it's not so hard to
>=)understand).
>=)
>Indiana's license plates used to have the slogan "Wander."  In recent years,
>they've changed it to "Back Home Again."  I guess they were lost for a few
>years there, but finally found a map, or just wandered back home.  There's
>got to be some kind of a story of how they got that sequence going...but
>then we're talking about the same state where some legislative body tried
>to change the value of pi to 3, so it would be easier to remember...
>-- 
>+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
>| "Johnson"                              |Just because you're paranoid doesn't|
>| johnson@sleipnir.mnesouth.corp.mot.com |   mean they're not out to get you. |

My candidates for Indiana's Slogan:


     A grand tradition of keeping Lake Michigan out of Kentucky

or

     InDiana - Where Prince Charles spent his honeymoon.

--

Frank     reid@ucs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes.. The complete complete list!
Date: 11 Dec 92 22:36:15 GMT
Article-I.D.: burrhus.1992Dec11.223615.19521
Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, MA

I should have made clear: the previous blonde joke list is a compilation of
several lists retrived from the net; none of it was written by me
-- 
"A horse! A horse! Somebody give me a horse, man, because|glazier@ 
I come to bury this dirtball, not to praise him. Whaddya |harvard.isr.edu
think I am? Whether it's nobler for the mind to make people suffer with all
these totally outrageous arrows arrows for a fortune, or what!" -- D.R.
From: ahummel@ems.cdc.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Murphy's Laws of Love
Date: 16 Dec 92 18:33:00 GMT
Reply-To: you@ems.cdc.com
Organization: Empros Systems International, a division of CDC

In article <pgl25cq@rpi.edu>, petitc@vccsouth02.its.rpi.edu (Christopher Jon Petit) writes:
|> 1.  All the good ones are taken.
|> 2.  If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corr. to #1)
|> 3.  The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
|> 4.  Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
|> 5.  The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how
|> much you love them.
|> 6.  Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

No its: Money can't buy love, but it can buy a lot of first class affection!  ;-

|> 7.  The best things in the world are free---and worth every penny of it.
|> 8.  Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction
|> 9.  Nice guys finish last
|> 10.  If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
|>
From: lusty@hurrah.cheers.tanda.com (Blonde Cheerleader)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Test
Date: 18 Dec 92 16:45:06 GMT
Organization: T and A Inc.

In article <1992Dec18.143400.6456@bmerh85.bnr.ca>, coop1d11@bmerh301.bnr.ca (David Smith) writes:
|> In article <1992Dec18.020436.2148@news.arc.nasa.gov> nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) writes:
|> >In article <BzF6E3.Lp7@cck.coventry.ac.uk> cei352@cck.coventry.ac.uk (The Freak) writes:
|> >>In article <1992Dec17.102719.13134@bsu-ucs> 01jmbrown@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu writes:
|> >>>In article <1992Dec17.003955.27658@spock.UUCP>, gumby@spock.uucp (Danny Richman) writes:
|> >>>> In article <1992Dec11.232428.9398@pasteur.Berkeley.EDU> xiaohan@euler.Berkeley.EDU (Xiaohan Yun) writes:
|> >>>>>In article <1992Dec7.232807.15638@spock.UUCP> kurgan@spock.uucp (Andrew Twyman) writes:
|> >>>>>>In article <1992Dec7.225159.15483@spock.UUCP> ramirez@spock.uucp (Andreas Orphanides) writes:
|> >>>>>>>In article <1992Dec6.212621.12609@spock.UUCP> bane@spock.uucp (Cameron Huang) writes:
|> >>>>>>>>In article <184434@pyramid.pyramid.com> vkhare@misdev.mis.pyramid.com (Vilas Khare) writes:
|> >>>>>>>>>.this is a test message, please ignore.
|> >>>>>>>>You are a dork, and your post's a bore.
|> >>>>>>>Read alt.test for tests galore.
|> >>>>>>I hope this cascade doesn't go on much more.
|> >>>>>But you know that you are telling a forklore.
|> >>>> This is starting to make me snore.
|> >>>is this the rec.humor people adore?
|> >>Or is it porn,which is hard core.?
|> >Haven't when been through all this before?
|> No, have some BEER and let me pour!
Ooooh! Get me drunk and you can score!
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: slz1@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Samuel L Zimmerman)
Subject: Telephone conversation
Reply-To: slz1@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Samuel L Zimmerman)
Organization: Columbia University
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 01:49:02 GMT

One of my friends, Edis is his name, lives with his Latvian parents.  The other
day he received a phone call from a woman with a thick Eastern European accent.
Naturally, he assumed that this woman was a Latvian friend or relative and
proceeded to talk to her.  Here's how there conversation went (you must imagine
accent on your own):

Edis: Hello?
Woman: Hello.  How are you?
Edis: Umm...fine.
Woman: Good, good.  And how is the family?
Edis: Everyone is doing well.  Yourself?
Woman: Me?  Good, good, I am doing well.
Edis: I'm glad to hear it.
Woman: So, can I speak to your wife?
Edis: Umm...my wife? No.  But you can speak to my mother.
Woman: (almost shouting) What is this phone?!  What kind of phone is this?!
  I didn't call your mother!!
[click]

******************************************************************************
"Get a gun.  Used in the right way, it can liven up your weekend immensely."
     -- Mattias Bottner
slz1@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu      Sam Zimmerman
Newsgroups: rec.humor