From: prauda@dol-guldur.hut.fi (Kristiina Prauda)
Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat
Subject: Castle: Prologue to *Kathrea's Story*
Date: 8 Oct 92 18:49:34 GMT
Organization: Helsinki University, Finland



As the subject says, this is the prologue to the long-worked, 
long-awaited Kathrea's Story. I will be posting it in several parts
during the next days, a part a day, beginning tomorrow (any delays
will be due to newsfeed problems to or from Finland...). 

BTW, a special thanks to Steve for posting my last piece, the one
in the rose garden... The newsfeed was again down yesterday...


Kristiina
Official FireDancer of the RFA
prauda@dol-guldur.hut.fi


************************************************************************



**I wake up from a nightmare - not one of the ordinary ones, those
with the faces of the dead, and the burning whips of guilt. I wake
up from a dream where I was forced, finally, to shed my precious
!aprotective shells and tell the people of the Castle what I really
am; what I've done and been. 

I wake up screaming, louder than usually. Then follows the relief -
it was but a dream. And then I remember my decision in the rose
garden.

So it seems to be inevitable, after all. I must speak. I must tell
them, or I will never belong here. The walls will always be between
me and any others. And yet - is it not even more certain that I will
not belong here if I tell? Is it not impossible for them to accept 
me after that? 

But there is no choice, not this time. They must see me as I am. 
Especially Silverwind, so that he would not harbor an image of me
that is as far from the truth as can be. But how could he know that
I am uncapable of loving anyone any more. My love is all spent, all
used up, and the last of it died with those who are also dead. 

This they must be made to see. And perhaps, after the confession, 
there might be absolution and then, finally, peace... 

Futile dreams. How can there be any change unless I myself change first?
And have I? In all these times of pain, have I learned anything? Am I
still as unable to choose as I was then? 

Not that it makes any difference, not any more. And yet - a world of 
difference. 

A world, indeed. What irony. 

But choice or not, how could there be peace? For I have felt it - the 
tug of war between the darkness of sleep and the ridiculous need to 
live. I am healing, I can feel it, and I hate it. It seems there is 
still no rest, no rest for the one who caused it all, even if the others 
are already granted the sleep. No rest for the sinner, not from guilt, 
not from life, not from the pain of remembrance.

Oh God, is this truly not enough? Must I yet humble myself to that?


Yet these people - my friends - deserve to know.**


--


The next day, without any more delay, Kathrea sought out Brianna and
the Feral Knight - who were, ironically enough for her, to be found
in the rose garden, enjoying its beauty and each other's company. 
They radiated love and happiness so deep its rightness was clear to
any watcher, and Kathrea was so glad for them that her heart ached. 
They looked up as she approached, and their smiles reflected the
ripe golden warmth of the August sunshine. 

"Ah, Kathrea, we are glad to see you", they both said almost in 
unison, then stopped, looked at each other and laughed. 

Kathrea smiled, but she was not on a laughing mood. She wondered if 
she ever would be anymore. 

"And I am glad to see you, my dear friends", she said. "I am sorry
for not being on the best of moods yesterday - I hardly greeted 
Steve properly, and I still have not had the chance to congratulate
you personally. I wish for more happiness and blessing for both of 
you than ever existed in the Land of Romance... "

Words failed her, but she did not need to say any more, for both 
Brianna and the Feral Knight got up and embraced her tightly. She
responded to the hugs, swallowing tears. Silly idiot - had she not
yet learned to control herself in situations like this? It seemed
not... 

She pulled herself together again and forced the planned words out
of her mouth. 

"Now that all is well and all of my friends are here again, I would 
like to ask a favor of all the Castle, and as an additional favor 
from you, I would like you to witness the invitation I will soon send 
to all the people here."

"Of course we will", Brianna said, though neither of them could 
understand what Kathrea was talking about. Her manner implied that
it was something of extreme importance, for there was a greater 
intensity of emotion flickering around her than ever before, and
a mixture of determination and fear bordering on terror on her 
face. 

"You will understand soon enough", she said in answer to their 
questioning faces. "I have made a great decision, and I am still
so afraid I fear I might back out in the middle. Your presence will
help me to stay with the decision to the end."

"We understand", the Feral Knight said soothingly, and Brianna took 
hold of Kathrea's hand - it was ice-cold - and squeezed it tightly 
with her own. 

And suddenly, the wizard-girl's telepathical call resounded in the
minds of each and every inhabitant of the Castle - those who had
telepathical abilities of their own as well as those who did not. 
The whole Castle paused in surprise to listen. 

**People of the Castle of Romance - my friends - you are the only
friends I have now, and this is the only home I have. But I have
held apart from you in fear, because I have not wished to let you
see and know my life before I came here. I wished to forget the 
past myself, but that was not possible. It is part of me, and to
hold it from you is to hold part of myself from you. If I ever wish
to belong to this Land - call it my home, and you my people - I
cannot do that. I must let you in, even though it means you may 
reject me in the end. 

I ask of you all a favor. I ask that you would come to the Great Hall 
this evening and listen to what I have to tell. After that, you are 
free to choose whether you will accept me among you, for then there
will be nothing hidden any longer. My story is long, but you will know 
everything, and be able to make your judgement."