From: mbb@keps.kodak.com (Maureen Busch)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Second Baby Thoughts ...
Date: 12 Aug 92 20:25:49 GMT
Article-I.D.: keps.1992Aug12.202549.24557
Organization: Kodak Electronic Printing Systems

In article <1992Aug11.152013.23128@hemlock.cray.com>, rice@cray.com (Jonathan
Rice) writes:
> [lots of stuff that I basically agree with, so there is no need to comment]
howver....
> diaper-friendly restroom.  You can schedule in your head, subconsciously
> fitting naps and meals and jobs and errands together in ways that still leave
> you the best hours of the day to devote to your offspring.
...
> You have already weathered the toughest decisions: career options, financial
> planning, child care.  You have worked out with your spouse-or-equivalent
> what strategy you will pursue, and what tactics you may employ, in raising a
> whole healthy adult from infancy.
....
> Now, tell me what's hard about having a second child.  My oh my, how will we
> ever fit two car seats into the back seat.  Oh, dear, I'm just not getting
> anything done during afternoon nap times.  Help, help, the baby woke the
> toddler with her crying.  How will we ever survive?
....

Gosh you make it sound so simple.  It couldn't have anything to do with the
fact that you and your wife decided you could live comfortably on one income,
your wife *really* *wanted* to stay home, and your wife is the one who has
noticed whatever additional burden the second child is, could it?  When we had
one child, I thought we had a really nice balance.  He spent 9 hours/day in
daycare, but since I went to see him at lunchtime, he only spent 8 hrs/day away
from me (and he slept about half of that time!).  We had lots of time we could
spend with him mornings, evenings, weekends, and there was plenty of time when
he napped or after he went to bed to devote time to couple-time, housework, or
personal projects.

When we had the second one, we really had to reevaluate the career-options, 
financial situation, and childcare choice all over again.  Specifically, two
daycare slots cost twice what one slot cost, so our expenses rose drastically
(infant care was $165/week at that point).  Also, we were slicing up that
precious time between two equally needing and deserving little people.  The baby
and the toddler rarely napped at the same time, so we lost that free time.  We
still couldn't make it on just one paycheck.  (As an aside, our biggest mistake
in this regard was wanting children before our mid-30's.  If we had spent the
last 6 years without children and daycare expenses, we would now be in an
incredibly secure financial situation and this would all be moot)

We were able to manage for a while with me only working 3 days/week when the
kids were smaller.  I didn't find I had any more time for myself to do things
for me, but at least I didn't feel stretched so thin between the two children.
Maybe it is easier for people who don't have any interests that require blocks
of time to call their own.  I don't know since I am a person whose personal
interests do require time alone.

An issue I haven't seen voiced in this thread which is an issue with a 
second child is balancing the conflicting needs/wants/desires of the two
children.  They are often in direct conflict with each other, and meeting
the need of one means denying the other.  Parents have to choose, and it is
very hard to choose one child over the other when you love them both so much.
We all do it, and most of us manage it quite well, but it is still a mental
and emotional job we didn't have when we had only one child's needs to 
consider.

> I confess to having an unkind (though unvoiced) reaction to anyone who says
> "two is more than twice as hard as one."  It is: "So, you didn't learn
> anything at all from the first one?"  Whiners.

Of course, this unkind thought is no longer unvoiced.  And my not-so-kind
reaction to it is, well, I'm sure you can figure it out.

> You have experienced month after month after month of the purest love on the
> planet -- unconditional, focused, intense, innocent love from your first
> child.  Tell me again what could possibly make it hard to have two.

This sounds like the incredibly romantic viewpoint of a dad non-stay-at-home-
parent who has had two relatively easy to deal with children.  I'd be willing
to bet your daughters are even similar in personality and temperment, so that
all those lessons learned in dealing with the first one were readily applicable
to the second.  I had all kinds of things to deal with the second time around
that never came up with the first, and got really good at dealing with things
the first time that never came up with the second.  I don't recall
any of the posts saying they regretted having the second child, or who felt it
wasn't worth it.  What some of us have acknowledged is that the impact of a
second child on our lives as we know it has been non-trivial.

For the record, I am neither whining for sympathy, nor am I claiming that the
amount of work increases exponentially with each additional child.
-- 
Maureen Busch				|Small world, but I wouldn't want to
Internet: mbb@keps.kodak.com		|paint it - Steven Wright
UUCP: ...!{harvard!ima,uunet!atexnet}!munsell!cairo!mbb
DISCLAIMER:  The opinions expressed are mine, not my employer's.