From: tdbear@dvorak.amd.com (Thomas D. Barrett)
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Subject: Re: Out to parents in relationships (was Re: long-term relationships..
Date: 10 Jan 93 23:12:52 GMT
Organization: Advanced Micro Devices, Inc.; Austin, Texas

In article <1993Jan9.233031.14736@flood.com> tom@flood.com (Tom Chatt) writes:
>
>I recently found out third-hand that my father had cried later the
>night I came out to them. *Not* because his son was gay. He cried
>for all the years that I had been afraid to share that part of my
>life with them, for all the anxiety and hard times over those years
>that they might have helped me through but instead I weathered alone.
>
I kinda fear that I may have recently sent my parents through a
similar tailspin, but I know my sister is there to support them if
they can't handle it enough to call _me_.  If I don't hear from them
before getting back from a biz trip, I call just to make sure the USPO
didn't "delay" it.

Basically, they have been giving me a hard time for the past few years
for not paying enough attention to them.  I call or write at least
once a month and always on birthdays (+/- a few days :), but I guess
they had this impression that I had nothing in my life except them.
Yep, you guessed it... they didn't want to hear about my gay things
and since that is almost the center of my life I have absolutely
nothing to talk with them about.

I did go a few months when I moved out to CA and filtered everything
out for them, but I soon grew a little tired of that.  Before moving
out here to TX, Mom had even progressed to the point of asking me if I
wanted to bring someone... of course she said that he would have to
stay someplace else and of course I replied that if I did bring
someone _we_ would.  But, I got the impression at Thanksgiving that
they still thought I was missing something out of life... we had some
harsh words one day and I didn't return her _one_ phone call which
came while I was out for the week on biz.  When she wrote a follow-up
(I knew it would be coming), her last sentance made me decide enough
was enough: "We will pray for you."  Grrrrr... if anyone needs praying
for it is them.

Anyway, I wrote back to tell them what my priorities in life were and
why.  I wrote to them that while there are up to 500,000 g/l youths
being kicked out on to the streets by their caring families or who
have to leave such families to avoid mental or physical abuse AND
while there are over a thousand g/l teens and young adults who feel
that suicide is their only way out, supporting the organizations and
working for the betterment of g/l people is my number one priority...
it HAS to be.  My number two priority was to take care of myself and
my job (for without those I would fail).  And (what I am sure they
liked) they were someone down on the list.  I said that it wasn't that
I didn't like them or in some part respect and love them, but these
other things are just more important.

I also pointed out that my like had been pretty full professionally as
well as socially.  I have had two VERY meaningful relationships, and I
value the men who had been with me in those relationships... they are
still and will always be very special friends in my life.  I also went
on to describe the activism, organizational, and fundraising work that
I have been involved in over the years and how rewarding each of those
efforts were.  I also said "congratulate me on my appointment to the
board of directors" of a g/l professional group and how I want to
become more active in various community boards.

Well... I've really wanted to give them a better dose of who I am and
what I've done over the years.  All they knew was that I must have
been pretty successful professionally.  Maybe they will be proud of my
accomplishments.  Maybe they will brag about me to the rest of the
relatives... maybe.  I just felt that it was time that they either go
all the way and accept me... and, more importantly, it was time that I
stop making excuses for them for not wanting to know me.

Of course it helps when you are a stubborn type with a great support
system... sometimes, all too many times, comimg down on parents like
this causes a big split.  In my case, it would have been a little more
painful for them a few years ago, but I think they were ready for it.
And, I don't think it was doing me or them any good to skirt the
issues.

Jeez... what a tangent :)
-- 
|Tom Barrett (TDBear), Sr. Engineer|tom.barrett@amd.com|v:512-462-6856 |
|AMD PCD MS-520 | 5900 E. Ben White|Austin, TX  78741  |f:512-462-5155 |
|"No is yes, And we're all free" ---Tracy Chapman, "Why?"              |
|My views are my own and may not be the same as the company of origin  |
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