From: mickey@bach.udel.edu (Mickey McCarter)
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: HHG to ST:TNG (Scenes 11 and 12)
Date: 30 Mar 92 04:29:41 GMT
Organization: University of Delaware


SCENE 11: The situation aboard the Enterprise has now become intolerable.
	  Data is incapacitated by the computer, which is trying to
	  manufacture tea.  Wesley is attempting to communicate with
	  slime that is living in the Borg sewer.  Most importantly,
	  Captain Picard is a hostage aboard the Borg ship where
	  undescribably hideous things will happen to him if Riker
	  does not come up with a plan of action soon...

Riker	: So, Deanna, now that I'm the Captain, I don't see any problems
	  with us rekindling our past intimate relationship...

Worf	: (interrupting Riker purposefully)  Commander Riker, sir!
	  I have just received a report from security regarding the
	  escape of Zaphod Beeblebrox and his associates.

Riker	: What?  Dammit!  My first chance to actually be in command and
	  everything goes wrong!  Where are they, Worf?

Worf	: They are still in the shuttle bay, sir.  Auxiliary computer
	  relays show that they are unable to leave because their
	  computer is linked with ours.

Riker	: What?  Why?

Data	: (turning from his console)  I believe I can answer that, sir.

Riker	: Data!  You're okay!

Data	: Yes, Commander.  Is there any reason why you would believe
	  that I have suffered some kind of harm or affliction?

Riker	: Never mind, Data.  Just tell me why the Heart of Gold's computer
	  is tied in with ours.

Data	: That is most interesting, sir.  You see, the two computers had
	  joined forces in order to produce a real cup of tea.  When I
	  connected to the Enterprise computer systems, I became so
	  intrigued by the idea that I devoted my full positronic abilities
	  to assisting them in this task.  The paradox inherent in the
	  procedure was quite interesting.  By cross-circuiting...

Riker	: Understood, Data.  What's the current status of the computer?

Data	: All systems are one hundred percent on line, Commander.

Riker	: Then what are we waiting for?  Mr. Worf, lock phasers on the
	  Borg ship.

Worf	: (with smug anticipation)  Phasers locked, sir.

Riker	: Fire!!

The Enterprise's phasers lanced out at the Borg, accidentally hitting
a major power distributor, rendering a few service robots inactive.  A
couple more torpedoes finally managed to do more than ruining its paint
job.  The Borg cut off its tractor beam for a few moments to perform a
minor architectural remodeling.

Troi	: Will!

Riker	: Not _now_, Deanna.

Troi	: No, I feel that something horrible is happening to the Captain!

Riker	: The Captain?  Captain Picard?  What could the Borg be doing to
	  him?

Data	: Sir, I feel that I should point out that we are the party
	  currently inflicting possible harm onto Captain Picard.

Riker	: Oops!  Worf, cease fire!

Worf	: (obstinantly)  Is that really necessary, sir?

Riker	: Now, Worf!

The phaser fire halts, but before the shields go back up, two slimy
creatures materialize in the middle of the bridge.  The first one,
appearantly the leader, is wearing its ambassador ceremonial pizza-box
shorts and a ring of partly decomposed aluminum cans around the neck.
He is accompanied by an assistant wearing a less glamorous half-eaten
microwave-dinner suit and a non-biodegradeble styrofoam cup necklace.
Both are emitting an odor that is suspiciously similar to a truckload
of well-aged deceased fish upon which someone had accidentally dumped
a couple gallons of the O' Janx Spirit.

Wesley	: I did it!  I managed to communicate with an emissary from the
 	  Borg's waste system!

Emissary: We are the Slimers.  We have just being created, and we are
	  very curious about this universe.  We believe in peace, justice,
	  truth, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other
	  life forms!

One of the spiky, slimy, squiggly eel-like creatures immediately slings
itself around Wesley's neck and then proceeds to choke him.

Data	: Commander Riker, it would seem that the inhabitants of the
	  Borg's waste system are decidedly hostile in their inter-
	  actions with other lifeforms.

Riker	: Thank you, Mr. Data, but I think that we can all see that for
	  ourselves.

Wesley	: Gyaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Worf	: Commander, I would like permission to go recapture the escaped
	  prisoners.  Alone this time if I may.

Riker	: Permission granted, Mr. Worf.  Before you go, call Dr. Crusher to
	  the bridge.  We have a combination of save-the-ailing-crew-member
	  and your-son-is-in-mortal-danger scenario here for her.  That 
	  should really give her something to work on.



SCENE 12: Things are not going well for the Enterprise and the Heart of
	  Gold.  Picard is _still_ kidnapped by the Borg, Zaphod still
	  thinks he's a very depressed fish, and Wesley is still struggling
	  with a piece of neckwear that more or less resembles a living
	  microwave pizza grease called Slimer ...

Worf	: I have hailed Dr. Crusher, Commander, although I feel it would
	  still be better to let Wesley have a warrior's death.  It would
	  finally allow him some honor and dignity.

Riker	: Thank you, Mr. Worf.  Now go get the prisoners.

Worf	: Yes, sir!

Worf turns and marches out while the rest of the bridge crew turns to the
other Slimer.

Riker	: Can't you make your fellow Slimer stop this mindless violence against
	  Wesley?  He _is_ one of your kind!

Troi	: But Will, I can sense that mindless violence is the whole purpose
	  of their existence!  Their thoughts are filled with peace ...

Slimer	: Justice ...

Troi and Slimer	: Truth, sport, family life, the obliteration of all other
		  life forms ...

Slimer	: And the most aromatic socks for our Kamikaze head-bands.

The second Slimer immediately slings itself at Data, who simply grabs it in
mid-air.  He examines the creature with some curiosity as it tries to swat at
him with its tail.

Data	: What should I do with it, Commander Riker?

Riker	: Kill it, Data!  It might get one of us!

Data	: But, sir, to kill another living creature, even a murderous one,
	  when I have it incapacitated as such, would be...

Riker draws his phaser and vaporizes the Slimer, being careful not to hit
Data.  He casually replaces the phaser with a shrug.

Riker	: We didn't need another moral dilemma on our hands.

Troi	: Perhaps you should shoot the one that is choking Wesley as well.

Wesley	: Ggggggnnnnnnrrrrrrffffffkkk!!!

Riker	: No, I'm afraid that there is too much risk of vaporizing Wesley
	  with the creature.  We'll just have to wait it out.

Wesley	: TTTTThhhhyyyyyaaaaaaaarrrrrr!

Meanwhile, On the Heart of Gold, Trillian has finally begun to synthesize a
cure for Zaphod's unusual chemical imbalance with Eddie's help.  Arthur and
Ford stand watch outside the Heart of Gold while Trillian and Eddie continue
their work.

Arthur	: I don't understand why I'm constantly being left out of the
	  problem-solving procedures around here.

Ford	: Well, do you know anything about Betelguesian body chemistry?

Arthur	: Well, no, not exactly, but...

Ford	: How about the synaptical pathways between two brains?

Arthur	: Two brains?  Well, not as such as two brains, no...

Ford	: Then don't worry about it, Arthur.  At least out here we're safe
	  if Zaphod wakes up and goes insane on us again.

Arthur	: I rather thought the whole idea behind Zaphod was that he is
	  supposed to be insane.

Ford	: Yeah, well, I mean insane for Zaphod.  I mean that if you accept
	  his base level of insanity as being sane in Zaphod's case, then
	  you could say that Zaphod has gone insane, I suppose.

Arthur	: Then I think he has the right idea.  Maybe _we_ should go insane.

Ford	: Well, the universe is a funny place.  Maybe you'll get your wish
	  someday.

Arthur	: (after a pause)  Ford?

Ford	: Yeah?

Arthur	: I think I would rather be out here than inside.  It is much more
	  peaceful here in the shuttle bay.

Suddenly, the doors to Shuttle Bay Three fly open and a growling Worf leaps
in.  He immediately tackles Ford, causing him to drop his satchel.  Arthur
steps back, timidly observing the ensuing battle.  Worf tosses Ford across
the floor, and leaps after him.



Will the Enterprise be able to rescue Captain Picard?  Will Dr. Crusher
be able to rescue Wesley?  Will Trillian be able to rescue Zaphod?  Will
Arthur be able to rescue Ford?  And finally, will _anyone_ be able to
rescue Troi from Riker?  Find out, on the next exciting episode of ...

	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!


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Article 3531 of alt.fan.douglas-adams: