From: anonymus+565@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: males only:  shaving
Date: 5 Oct 92 22:52:00 GMT
Organization: Anonymous contact service

I have  wondered  about this and find no references in any of the
literature.  The FAQ only mentions cutting oneself and *pulling* out
hair.

My question is whether  some  compulsions to shaving are similar.
I don't know where else to ask.  Do any male members of ASAR know
the answer or have any experience they  can share?  It's O.K.  to
reply  by  e-mail, in fact it may be  better  since  this  is  so
personal and would be a posting quite irrelevant to  over half of
the ASAR readers.

I  was  sexually  molested  before  puberty by both male & female
adults.    I hated the thought of maturing and cut off the  first
growths of pubic hair, but couldn't keep up with it.  Also I  was
afraid I would look funny to other guys in the showers. 

I  left  things alone for about 10 or 12 years.  Then I  felt  an
irresistable desire to  shave  my  pubic area.  Finally I gave in
and shaved my balls.    This  was before I recollected that I had
ever been sexually abused as  a child.  I told myself the shaving
was  1) for cleanliness  i.e. easier to wash;
     2) to feel sensuous i.e.   smooth skin does feel that way to
     me;
     3) to make my balls look bigger  i.e.    in  a  lot  of porn
     pictures you see men with shaved balls either to let you see
     the action or to make them look more impressive.
Maybe those reasons are partially right, but the real  reason was
none of them.  I  realize that now and I realized it then as soon
as I finished doing it and  first  put  my  hand down and touched
myself.  *I felt like a little boy again!*   I am sure I was trying
to  recapture  my  innocence, my boyhood, my (please don't laugh,
this  is painful to  talk  about)  virginity.    Yes,  if  you're
wondering, I had been fucked.

When I think how dangerous it  was  to  cut off those first hairs
with my father's straight razor, I shudder.   And although I used
a  safety  razor  to  shave my balls after  that,  I  can't  help
wondering  if  secretly  I would like to castrate myself.    This
thought really chills me.

I have often gone for long periods shaving my balls almost daily,
then I have left off and tried to stay "natural".  But inevitably
I  feel  a compulsion building inside me and I start shaving them
again.  I have occasionally got carried away and shaved all of my
pubic area and my ass.  I just couldn't stop.  That frightens me.
I have gotten  quite  adept at doing it, but still there are more
than occasional nicks and  blood  flowing  and  I have to stop it
with a styptic pencil which  itself  is painful.  The pain either
from the shaving or from staunching  the  blood  doesn't  seem to
stop me.  

I  would  really  like to get some  control  of  this.    I  have
hesitated  even posting about it because of the  personal  nature
and I really do NOT WANT TO encourage any guys to try this.

Help! 
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