From: fofp@castle.ed.ac.uk (M Holmes)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: It's a gas.....
Keywords: British Gas, Bloody Workmen, The Wrong Sort of Rubber
Date: 19 Nov 92 17:37:09 GMT
Distribution: alt
Organization: Edinburgh University

It all began a couple of months back when they put up scaffolding
outside next door's windows. Of course I knew it was coming since I'd
had to pass on a bill to the landlady. 

Peeve: When I pass on a bill to my landlady, she increases the rent.

Anyway, the builders had arrived to fix the chimneys which had been
letting water down inside the walls. I've already related the tale of
the one who fell from the scaffolding.

Now, I was recently off home for a funeral....

Peeve: people dying. It's time they cured that.

...and when I got back I found that the gas fire in the Pool room (8 Ball
Pool, not the murrican version with the huge pockets) and there was a
neat little pile of rubble by it. On questioning the Flatmates, I
discovered that the builders had been in to disconnect it due to the
work in progress on the chimneys. A little alarm bell did ring somewhere
way in the back of my mind: "should builders be disconnecting gas
appliances? Isn't there something about only British Gas approved folks
doing that?".

Anyway, life continued in its current desultory fashion with roofers
banging on the roof,....

Peeve: at 8am in the bloody night.

....falling off the scaffolding, and the Pool room getting too cold to
play Pool.

Last week I got a note from the builders saying that the work on the
chimneys was now almost complete and could I phone them to arrange to
remove the rubble (they'd produced) from the chimneys.

So I called them last Thursday to make an arrangement. They offered
Friday Morning but wouldn't be tied to any window smaller than "between
9am and 12 noon".

Peeve: So I had to waste half a day's leave to wait for them.

And of course I waited in vain. For the workmen, they appeareth not.
(obThought - this whole "NOT!!!" thing was in the Bible hundreds of
years ago. Maybe it's a xtian conspiracy.)

So I went in to work around 12.10pm, had lunch and then called
Corstorphine Roofing to peeve about the non-appearance of the workmen:

Me - Hello. My name is Mike Holmes and you've been fixing the roof here.
Your people had arranged to come to clear the chimney..

her - Yes, tomorrow.

Me - tomorrow??

her - yes, you said tomorrow on the phone.

Me - no. you did and that was yesterday. Yesterday's tomorrow is today!

Her - well I've got "Saturday" down in the book here.

Me - <sigh> OK then, what time ON SATURDAY?

Her - first thing.

Me - what time is that?

Her - 9am.

Me <sigh> OK. 9am it is then.


So I get up at 9am at night the next day. By 10am I figure that they're
not coming, but I know that if I go back to bed they'll appear. I go out
figuring that my flatmates can damn well deal with it if they appear.

They don't.

So on Monday, I phone again. The same woman answers and tries to tell me
that they've been there and done the job. I explain, like I'm talking to
some sort of idiot, that I *live* there and I can assure her that they
have definitely not been there. 

The woman takes the hump and a builder picks up the phone. He asks where
I live etc. Finally we come to an arrangement whereby *IF* he is headed
for the flat during wednesday lunchtime, he will phone me at work, and I
will return to let him in.

This arrangement seems to go well. Two men arrive at the flat. One asks
for a shovel and proceeds to poke around in the chimney and shovel up
the dust and rubble created, into a plastic sack.

They then connect up the gas fire and ask for squeezy liquid to test it.
I have visions of Blue Peter and squeezy bottles and ask whether British
Gas shouldn't be doing this. :Oh, no they reply, they'll charge you
sixty quid".

Then they decide that there's a leak at the stopcock joint they've just
reconnected. "it's this bolt see, it's so worn that it's hard for a
spanner to get a grip on it." I mentally note that he is not in fact
using a spanner but is using pliers. I speculate mentally that this
probably contributed the the hexagonal head of the bolt now appearing to
be round.

So they disconnect the fire again at the stopcock and advise me that
I'll need to call in British Gas to fix the problem and check and
reconnect the fire. "But don't report it as an emergency, they'll charge
you sixty quid for that."

<sigh>



So I phone British gas. A woman eventually answers.

Me - Hi. I'd like someone out to service a gas fire.

Her - do you have a leak?

Me - No.

her - well what's the problem?

Me - well there were roofers in and they disconnected the fire. When
they reconected it and checked it, there was a slight leak at the joint.
So they disconnected it again. So what I need is someone to fix the
joint and reconnect the fire.

Her - so you have a leak?

Me - No. The fire leaked when reconnected, but it's disconnected now.

Her - But that's a leak, we'll have to send someone out within two
hours. Switch off the gas at the mains, open all your windows. Don't
have any naked flames, and don't use any electrical switches.

Me - I'm not at the flat.

Her (peevishly) - where are you then?

Me - work.

her - well is there someone at the flat?

Me - no.

her - well someone will have to get there within two hours so that we
can fix the leak.

Me - there is *no* leak. The fire was leaking when reconnected and was
then disconnected again.

Her - well, we count that as a leak.

Me - well then it's been "leaking" for two months.  Look, we're
obviously talking at cross-purposes.  Let me explain again.  The fire
was disconnected by roofers.  When they reconnected it..... 

Her - ... we are not talking at cross purposes. You have a leak. We have
to send someone round within two hours to make it safe. It's in
everybody's interest you know.

Me (having an idea) - so, someone will come round within two hours and
fix the fire?

Her - No. They'll come and make the leak safe. Then we can make an
appointment for someone to come round and repair the problem.

Me - what I'm trying to do is get the whole thing done at once and save
everybody a lot of trouble.  If they come round and just check that it's
switched off, I'll be in exactly the position I am now. 

her - well if they can fix it right away they'll do that.

me - well, ok, the part that's causing the problem is the bolt in the
stopcock.

her - they don't usually bring spare parts, it's the engineers that
order them up. They just have to make it safe.

Me - <sigh> ok then. I'll be in the flat at 5.30. I'll be there until
6.30 and then I'm going out.

Her - it has to be within two hours. 

Me - I won't be there within two hours. It'll have to be at 5.30.

her - Right, well you call us as soon as you get back to the flat.



So, at 5.30 I call. There's a card telling me not to switch on lights,
to open all windows and to switch off the gas at the main. I compromise
by telling my flatmate to stop cooking until the gas folks have been. 

The gas man arrives. I explain the problem. It gets through. He gets
tools out and has a look at the stopcock.

"There should be a little rubber ring here. Is it on the floor
somewhere?"

Me (realising what's happened) - Well, the roofers have probably
shovelled it up, they were clearing rubble from there."

him - well, that's that then.

Me - can't we get another rubber washer?

Him - no, it's a special sort of rubber because gas dissolves ordinary
sorts.

Me - Oh. Where will I get one then?

Him - you can't, they don't come seperately. You'll have to have a whole
new stopcock fitted.

Me - <sigh> figures.

Him - If they weren't plumbers then they shouldn't have been messing
around with gas equipment anyway.

Me - <sigh> figures.


So then he roots around in the chimney and starts worrying about the
volume of it or something. Then he worries that the chimney space isn't
sealed and starts tearing panels out of the wall to check. Eventually,
he concludes that it'll mostly do, "but we'll have to chop out some of
the skirting board when we come back..."



The adventure continues...........

-- 

I wonder how long it will be before the Church of England will accept
AI's as Priests...
Newsgroups: alt.peeves