HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: cowan@aqua.ocunix.on.ca (Darin Cowan (root))
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Practical Jokes
Date: Wed, 02 Sep 92 02:22:34 GMT
Organization: The Aquarium, Ottawa, Ontario

eric_gorr@coglab_psych.uoregon.edu (Eric Gorr) writes:

> I am looking for some creative, but not evil (ie. the person will want to
> kill you), practical jokes...
> 
> Anyone got any?

superglue all their stuff to the ceiling.

buy 300 paper cups.  go into all their rooms that have flat
tile/linoleum floors and place all the cups, inverted.  for about 25% of
the cups though, fill them with water and place them so the water stays
in when inverted.  spray a bit of water around.



==============================================================================
                      cowan@aqua.ocunix.on.ca
  The Aquarium BBS  (613)736-1481  2400-14400 bps  V.32bis  V.42bis  HST
==============================================================================
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: dward@scf.nmsu.edu (Dan Ward)
Subject: Re: Call for Football Jokes...
Organization: New Mexico State University
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 02:38:05 GMT

john whetzel (whetzel@grok82) wrote:
: 11mwarner@gallua.gallaudet.edu writes:
: : 
: : 
: : Can anyone please E-mail me any football jokes they may have?  I play football
: : at my college and the offensive line (I'm a guard, BTW) always has someone tell
: : a joke during practice so the longer the better.  Thanks a lot.  
: 
: Q. How many football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
: 
: 
: A. One, but he gets three hours credit.

   Q:  How can you tell who won the superbowl?
   A:  Read the morning paper
From: moursund@hpcvnb.CV.HP.COM (David_Moursund)
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 11:52:38 PDT
Subject: Re: blonde jokes
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Corvallis, Oregon
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>/ hpcvnb:rec.humor / Gary Lynch <GCL101@psuvm.psu.edu> /  2:30 pm  Aug 26, 1992 /
>this is probably an old topic, but i just discovered this board and would like
>to hear any blonde jokes anyone can come up with.  since they have probably bee
                                                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>n posted before, please e-mail them directly to me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No, actually, no blonde jokes have ever appeared on this group.  Honest.

Hey, are blonde jokes more enjoyable to read if you have an amber monitor?

dm

Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: weed@venus.ycc.yale.edu
Subject: Blonde Joke List Editor needs *your* help!!!
Organization: Yale Computer Center (YCC)
Date: 30 Aug 92 22:11:56 EDT

This is a desperate request, I am the administrator of one of the blonde
jokelists posted to this nety from time to time.  I currently have 397, and
would like to wait to post the updated version until there are 400.  This
means, that I need *3* more blonde jokes.  I don't have time to read entire
lists of jokes, but if you have *new* ones, that you think  I may not have
seen, then *please* send them.  As soon as I have those three more jokes, I
will post the list under the subject **Blonde Jokes, V.6.0.**  Or something
very similar.
You help, and therefore jokes, will be appreciated.
Matt
From: record@force.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: How fat is she?
Date: 27 Aug 92 23:10:42 GMT
Reply-To: record@force.ssd.lmsc.lockheed.com
Organization: LMSC, Sunnyvale, California

In article <1992Aug27.173026.7305@src.honeywell.com>, jgelhaus@src.honeywell.com (Jennifer Gelhaus) writes:
>
>
>In article <1992Aug26.182218.12231@gtephx.UUCP> forda@gtephx.UUCP
>(Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona) writes:
>>In article <1992Aug20.000457.21297@smartstar.com>, syspb@smartstar.com (Paul) writes:
>>> My ex-wife is so fat, she has to get her dresses made by
>>> Barnum and Bailey.
>>[...]
>>
>>And don't forget that age old "My wife is so fat, when sits around the
>>the house, she sits *around* the house!"
>
>Or one my FIL likes:
>"she's so fat you couldn't tell her from the south end of a north-bound horse"
>
These jokes remind me of a cute story I heard.

   This guy and his small son were in the line at the bank.  The little
boy was looking at the fat lady directly in front of them, and suddenly
blurted out, "Dad! Look at the size of her legs!"
   The father kneeled down and said quietly, "Son, don't say things like
that about other people.  It's impolite."
   The kid was quiet for a few moments and finally couldn't hold it.
"Dad!  Look!  Her butt is as wide as the door!"
   Heads began to turn and the father once again counselled the child.
"Son, you are embarrassing me.  Please be quiet."
   For the next few moments the kid was quiet but then the beeper on
the fat lady went off: BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!
   "Look out, Dad!", the kid yelled, "It's gonna back up!"
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: yyz@redwood17.cray.com (Yvonne Y. Zhou)
Subject: Re: Funny sign
Originator: yyz@redwood17
Keywords: lime pie, note speaker, monk
Organization: Cray Research, Inc.
Date: 27 Aug 92 16:20:19 CDT


In article <1992Aug27.171916.4654@ra.msstate.edu>, bill@AEC.MsState.Edu (bill balcerzak) writes:
> 
> A (serious) sign in the stalls of the women's restroom (now what was *he* 
> doing in the women's restroom) here at work:
> 
> If you sprinkle
> When you tinkle
> Please be neat
> And wipe the seat.
> -- 

I saw a different one:

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Be a sweetie
Wipe the seatie
Xref: sparky rec.humor:27614 alt.cascade:1757
From: jdare@math.rutgers.edu (James Dare)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.cascade
Subject: Re: Agnostics and Athiests
Date: 1 Sep 92 20:54:16 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor,alt.cascade
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

>>>}>>>>>>>IF THIS DOESN'T STOP, IM GOING TO START THE WORST CASCADE EVER.
>>>}>>>>>>WHILE EATING THIS SLOP, I SEWED THE FIRST BROCADE BEAVER.
>>>}>>>>>BILE FITTING RIG STOP, LIE SPEWED THIRST LIVER !!!!
>>>}>>>>IF YOU MUST CONTRIBUTE, AT LEAST DELIVER...
>>>}>>>WHO MAY I ATTRIBUTE TO THIS BEASTLY SLIVER?
>>>}>>TO SPAY A LUTE IN A GREASY RIVER
>>>}>DAMN CASCADERS THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER
>>>}I WILL NOT CASCADE; NOPE, NO, NEVER
>>>WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, ON A TRAIN?
>>WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, IN THE RAIN?
>R2-D2 ON THE BRAIN?
"DO ME, DO YOU"? CAN'T COMPLAIN!
From: ronh@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Ron Hanson)
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1992 18:55:17 GMT
Subject: Re: Confuscious says.......
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO
Newsgroups: rec.humor

>    	just wondering has anyone got any Confuscious says..... jokes.
>    	For starters, I'll contribute mine:
>
>
>    	Confuscious says
>    	"Men who go to sleep with itchy butt, wakes up with smelly fingers"
>
>    	Confucious says
>    	"Men who put cream in tart, not necessary a baker"
>
>    	Confucious says
>    	"Men who paint outside wal of a toilet, not necessary a shithouse
>    	 painter"
>
>
>    	your turn....


How about:
		Confucious says
        "Man who go through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"
Newsgroups: rec.humor,aus.jokes
From: rivest@theory.lcs.mit.edu (Ron Rivest)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: FBI reacts to Intelsat difficulties
Keywords: true, computer, chuckle
Date: 27 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT



After watching the successful ``rescue'' of the Intelsat, Director
William Sessions of the FBI was reported to have remarked, ``Those
damn alligator clips for our wiretaps are getting harder and harder to
install...''

The FBI is now proposing legislation requiring all communications
equipment to be installed no more than 10 feet off the ground.
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Date: Sat, 29 Aug 92 3:20:09 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Fabrikant
From: sjc@cs.purdue.edu (Steve Chapin)
Keywords: topical, sick, smirk


Ah, feh.  I can't finish it well, so take this one, if you want to:

/* begin joke */

This refers to Dr. Fabrikant, a mechanical enginerring professor at
Concordia University who went on a shooting spree after being denied
tenure.  He killed three people and wounded two others before one of
his hostages overpowered him.

Output of the unix finger command on Dr. Fabrikant's account:

	[ccyfk56@vax2.concordia.ca]
	CCYFK56  V. Fabrikant        CCYFK56 not logged in
	Last login Mon 24-Aug-92 1:23PM-EDT

	[No plan]

No plan?  I'd plan on 25-to-life, if I were him...


/* end joke */


sc
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 92 4:30:05 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: TCOMEAU@stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
Subject: Astrophysical punniness
Keywords: original, chuckle

A coworker remarked yesterday that she had a Masters in astrophysics in addition
to her Doctorate.  Of course she also has a Bachelors in Physics.

Her rationale was that it made perfect sense for an astronomer to have a 
three degree background.

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From: m14051@mwvm.mitre.org (John DeCarlo)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Precise Language Usage
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 2 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT

This exchange was in the comic strip "Arlo and Janis" some years ago,
forgive me if the details are a little fuzzy.

Pre-teen Son: "Dad, you should have been at the game today.
               We literally tore their heads off."

Arlo: "Son, do you know what the word 'literally' means?"

Son: "No."

Arlo: "Good!"

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From: tomwa@jsbus.com (Tom Wallace, JSB Corp. )
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Tennesse Valley Authority
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 26 Aug 92 08:30:03 GMT

Did you read the news that the Tennessee Valley Authority is
buying "pollution credits" from Wisconsin?  Under this arrangement,
the TVA can pollute all they want, as long as they buy the 
right to pollute from relatively environmentally clean Wisconsin.

I think that this is a great idea, that could be applied to other 
areas of government equally well. For example, the LAPD could buy 
civil rights credits from Maine.
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Date: Sun, 30 Aug 92 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: TCOMEAU@stsci.edu (Tom Comeau @ Space Telescope Science Institute)
Subject: Women drivers (stereotype)
Keywords: original, heard it, smirk

(True story)

"I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.  Driving to work
this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a
Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I look away for a couple seconds and
when I look back she's halfway over in my lane.  Scared me so bad I
dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 92 19:30:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: Address-Lost
Subject: Pavlov's failure
Keywords: smirk

The end of Pavlov's experiments came when one sunny afternoon, the doorbell
rang and the dog ate the Avon lady.

(heard from my high school biology teacher)

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From: infoserv!gobears!gobears@apple (Larry Lopez)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Crank Call, true
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 1 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT
Organization: LTL Software


	There are two popular Disc jockeys in the San Jose(CA) area 
	called Lamont & Tonelli.  They frequently make crank calls to
	husbands, wives, bosses, and friends as part of their morning
	show.  Last Thursday, a woman, whose husband had several unpaid
	traffic tickets, told Lamont & Tonelli to make a crank call to
	him and get him worried about the tickets.  The call went like
	this:

	<ring> <ring>
	husband: Hello.
	Lamont: Hi, we're calling today with an informal survey from 
		Psychology Today.  If you answer the questions in the
		survey, you'll receive a free one-year subscription to
		the magazine.  Would you like to participate?
	Husband: Well, I'm kind of in a hurry, well ok.
	Lamont: Ok, the first question is: Can you tell us something that
		you've done that you feel really guilty about?

	Husband: Well, I can't really think of anything, uhmm, I do have
		a few tickets that I haven't paid for, uhmm,  I also cheated
		on my wife once.

	Lamont: Uh-oh<click>
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Date: Sun, 30 Aug 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: BAKA Computers Inc.
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: To wait or not to wait 
Keywords: smirk

Subject:  To wait or not to wait

Forwarded to me by a friend at Cornell University.

"Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron
 may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the
 actual completion.  An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be
 progressing nicely.  But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer
 has two choices -- wait or eat it raw.  Software customers have had the
 same choices."

              -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, _The Mythical Man-Month_

--
Mark H. Anbinder    
BAKA Computers, Inc.
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From: KXH105@psuvm.psu.edu (Ken Hornstein (814) 867-8002)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A definate handicap
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 3 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT

The other day I was using the ATM machine at my bank, and I noticed that
they upgraded the ATM machine to include Braile buttons.  I thought, "Gee
I'm glad my bank is willing to spend a little extra money to help out people
who are blind".  Then I realized:

This was a drive-thru ATM machine.

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From: sleator@spade.pc.cs.cmu.edu (Daniel Sleator)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Saturday night at the Amnesiacs Hospital
Keywords: original, chuckle
Date: 1 Sep 92 23:30:05 GMT

Harry and Jim are two friends who are stand-up comics.  Sometimes they
do substitute work for each other.  One day Harry calls Jim and says
"Jim, I need you to cover for me at the Amnesiacs Hospital on Saturday.
It's easy - I do the same routine every week, and it always brings the
house down.  I'll give you my script."

So on Saturday, Jim goes to the Amnesiacs Hospital.  He starts doing the
routine, and at first everything's fine.  Then halfway through someone
stands up and yells "Hey wait a minute - I've heard that joke before!"
Then someone else yells, "Yeah - this guy's a fraud!" Pandemonium breaks
out, and Jim is driven from the stage by a hail of tomatoes. 

The next day Harry calls Jim and asks, "How'd it go?"  "Not so good,
Harry," says Jim, "Halfway through the routine they called me a fraud
and booed me off the stage."  "Don't worry about it," says Harry,
"That happens every time!"

  Remark: This joke was devised by Davy Temperley, Eric Loeb, and
  me.  The Amnesiacs hospital seems like a fertile source of jokes.
  This was our best attempt.  Maybe somebody else can do better.
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From: ds0007@buhao.medtronic.COM (Dale Skiba)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Sri Lankan arrested for carrying condom (true story)
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 26 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT


A co-worker received this from Sri Lanka Net News.

 
From: GAMAGE NIMAL K K <uunet!paradox.colorado.edu!gamage>
 
Reported in the Denver Post (May 9th, 1992)
 
-->
Colombo. Sri Lanka- Police in Sri Lanka arrested a man after finding a condom 
in his wallet, a newspaper reported yesterday. The arrest prompted the medical
director of the Family Planning Association, Sriyani Basnayake, to write a 
letter to the police advising them that "condoms are not a security threat".

But the police were skeptical.
 
"Why would anyone want to carry a condom in his wallet, unless of course he
was upto some mischief?" the state owned Daily News quoted a police officer
as saying.
 -->
 
 transcribed from the denver post without permission.  [But it's only
 4 sentences]
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From: maven@hercules.lerc.nasa.gov (Larry Fishbach)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Far Right version of Bill of Rights
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle
Date: 3 Sep 92 23:30:03 GMT


 
            Far Right's Proposed New "Bill of Rights"
                                
                          Amendment 1
Congress shall make laws compelling the establishment of religion
and demanding the exercise thereof; and abridging the freedom of
speech and of the liberal press; and preventing the people from
peaceful assembly; and forbidding the courts to redress
grievances.

                          Amendment 2
A well-regulated militia being superfluous to the issue, the
people shall be compelled to bear arms and kill each other.

                          Amendment 3
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house,
without the consent of the owner, unless that house is being used
for the distribution of illegal substances.

                          Amendment 4
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,
papers. and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures,
shall be violated under the excuse of being for the public good,
and no warrants shall need to be issued, but upon probable cause
supported by anonymous sources, any place shall be subject to
search and persons or things seized.

                          Amendment 5
Any person who refuses to testify in court about his involvement
in a crime, shall automatically be judged guilty.  His property
may be seized upon the governments determination that he must be
guilty.

                          Amendment 6
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right
to a speedy and public trial before he is found guilty.  He is
entitled to the assistance of counsel for his defense but not for
any appeals.

                          Amendment 7
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall
exceed twenty million dollars, the right of trial by jury shall
be preserved.

                          Amendment 8
Excessive bail shall be required to ensure that the accused are
kept behind bars where they belong.

                          Amendment 9
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be
ignored if they conflict with the Walton's version of Family
Values.

                          Amendment 10
The powers not delegated to the United States by the
Constitution, shall be reserved for the Supreme Court, except
that the States shall have the right to ban abortions.


**
maven@hercules.lerc.nasa.gov          Larry Fishbach @ NASA Lewis Cleveland Ohio
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Date: Mon, 31 Aug 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Dear.... Who?
Organization: Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA.
From: root@dogear.spk.wa.us (Bob Kirkpatrick)
Keywords: topical, smirk



In an article <1992Aug24.092654.1@wizard.colorado.edu> from misc.jobs.misc:

>I'm always scanning the list of jobs available (but there is a hiring freeze 
>on) and so I've handwritten letters (for the personal touch) to several 
>departments listing my wonderful qualities and enclosing my resume.  I would
>gladly leave the university for a career that challenges me.  
>
>My question.  What else can I do to advertise me, my qualities, my desires,
> and get into something I like?  


Dear Stuck in Colorado,

Indeed you do appear to have the exuberance and vivaciousness required
to be a valuable member of a 'people' team. Your anxiousness to make a
move is well timed, too.

Today's climate offers the person person a myriad of opportunities for
change and advancement --and, it's very easy to do!

Select a politician whose platform is abominable to you, and give an
interview with the local news media claiming to have had an ongoing
affair with this individual. Due to recent changes in the attitudes
of the public, it is no longer necessary to ensure that they are of
the opposite gender as yourself.

Reaction of the job market is swift, and before you know it, you'll
be swamped with offers from many of todays most popular publications
and broadcasters. Just think, in only days you may ride the swell
from your boring and lackluster position to the pages of Cosmopolitan,
Playboy, and even the New York Times! You'll have the opportunity to
interract with MILLIONS through the auspices of Donohue, Geraldo, Oprah
and Sally Jesse Raphael! Countless people will hang on your every word
as the cameras move in for extreme close-up on the Tonight Show with
Jay Leno, and crowds will "woof-woof-woof" you on Arsenio!

Sound terrific? IT IS! Not only that, but you'll be performing one of
the only remaining political activism avenues left for Americans.

Think of it! Money, fame, notoriety and fun, fun, fun! 

If you have reservations about your ability to make this leap to the
best your life can be, we can help! Our organization offers classes
in the appropriate diplomacy of provocateurism and exploitation. Our
rates are highly competetive too!

For more information write:

The Jennifer Flowers Institute
12134 Carlsbad Ave.
Chicago, IL 60608

--[from]-- 
root@dogear.spk.wa.us (Bob Kirkpatrick)
Dog Ear'd Systems of Spokane, WA
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