From: afdenis@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Stephen Dennison)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Reverse LJBF problem
Date: 14 Aug 92 17:36:00 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: Ancient Souls Inc.
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41


>Subject: Re: Reverse LJBF problem

Uh... not *quite* the reverse ... [Warning... I just re-read this followup 
and, uncharacteristically :-), it's kinda long. A word to the wise ...]


In article <1992Aug14.042335.369@wam.umd.edu>, huesmann@wam.umd.edu (Joseph Edward Huesmann) writes...
>I have a question for all of you experts. I've fallen for this young woman,
>and I asked her out to dinner, but she declined because she has a boyfriend (I
>guess I should have realized that someone like her would have one). Now
>that I realize that a romantic relationship isn't possible, 

Cool to here ...

>at least while she's seeing someone else, 
 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And *this* is what makes it different. It's not an LJBF, it's an LALBF
(Let's At Least Be Friends) which is *quite different indeed. 

For example, in an LJBF, the person that gets LJBF-ed on is the one that 
*wanted* the romantic relationship. In *your* case, the person *doing* the 
LALBF-ing is the one that wants the romantic relationship.

Since you *obviously* would still go for the romantic relationship if the 
other one folds up, it would be a *very* difficult friendship for both of 
you, but especially for her since she now knows you are interested in more 
than just a drinkin' buddy...

Also, the odds of *successfully* sublimating your romantic feelings and 
*not* letting them cause you to suggest or do things that might `guide' the 
other relationship toward the rocks so to speak are pretty slim unless 
you're a monk. 

>I'd like to try to become friends with her, because she's really a nice 
>person. 

Well, *because* she's a really nice person, perhaps you ought to do the 
`safest' thing for her sake, and that would be observing from afar and 
letting the relationship take its natural course. If you decide otherwise, 
you will need to set up some strict rules for *yourself* (she never needs 
to be aware of these rules, and would probably be better off not knowing 
about them at all) to keep damaging behavior and words in check. Remember, 
at at least one level, you love this person and wouldn't want to hurt her.

>The problem is that I don't know how to try this without having her think 
>I'm still trying to have a romantic relationship with her. 

Well, since *I* think you are (in your heart) still *hoping* to someday 
have a romantic relationship with her just from the one statement I 
highlighted above, convincing *her* that you're able to survive a steady 
diet of Plato (as in Platonic) with her will be doubly difficult. I'm not 
saying that you won't be able to pull it off (somebody *else* can make this 
joke), just that the odds are against you. 

>I do still love her, but I think that my feelings can become tempered 
>enough for a friendly relationship. 

Well, you can also *fly* if you can just flap your arms *hard* and *fast* 
enough, but it's not a smart bet that you *will*.  :-)   Again, perhaps you 
would be better off (*and* would better demonstrate your *true* and 
*unselfish* love for her) by backing off and observing the course her 
relationship is taking. If it's obvious that she *wants* the other 
relationship, help her get it. *That*, my friend, is true love.

Of course, the side benefit to this is that, if the other relationship goes 
on the rocks on its own, you have already demonstrated your love by your 
actions and, if she is amenable to a romantic relationship with you, the 
groundwork has been laid (sombody else take *this* joke, *please*) already.

>Perhaps I made a mistake in falling for her instead of making friends 
>with her...

Falling in love is *NEVER* a mistake, Joeseph... there isn't *nearly* 
enough love in the world to supply all the people that are starving for it. 
Every time you add to the supply, you elevate the human condition.

> 
>Any ideas out there? Thanks.
> 

You mean besides the opinionated bunch of crap above ? :-) :-)

-- Stephen

	The smallest light offered in total darkness is a blinding
	beacon of hope.
Newsgroups: alt.romance