HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: impressionism
Date: 25 Jan 93 05:59:35 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


sometimes i think i'm like the water lilies monet did
from far away they are so beautiful and structured
and then up close you see blobs of anarchy
that are really just nothing

which is ok if you are a painting
but not very ok if you are supposed to be a person
im just sand sand sand

school starts tomorrow morn
i have to take a full course load
i mean after that stellar performance of last semester and all
friggin living through it they should realize was the triumph, my
counselor says
but the dean said i should take four courses
hahahahahahaha
they are trying to break poohbear
and i just think they will succeed

to everyone i am sorry
i was gone this weekend and read no mail
thank you all i will write honest

i have not cut
now i am just ripping out my hair
big big bald spots
whats that called...triskatillomania or some odd thing

anyway no scars this way and s.o. does not see and yell
well must go now
suzanna the birds were beautiful and pure thanks

poohbear



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From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Missing mail, etc.
Date: 24 Jan 93 04:35:34 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

This message may be mostly for Krikket, but maybe for others, too, 
more versed in the ways of e-mail and the net.

Just before PAX Australian anon service went down, I got an unusual 
message from THAT service (an.127) informing me that the PENET.FI 
Finnish anon service was assigning me a "new" id.  I did not even know 
there was a way to e-mail to the one from the other!  I sent messages 
to an.127 and PAX admin for an explanation (never got a reply) so 
finally I asked dclunie at PAX who had revealed that he was the admin. 
 He replied that an /n character had got into the database through a 
bug  in the software and that the system had started reassigning ids.  
I don't really think this answered my question.  Can anyone help?  Did 
anyone else encounter a similar problem and/or explanation?

I had dropped interest in persuing this until I read yet another 
message from Krikket mentioning e-mail disappearing again into the 
"bit bucket".  I notice this message from you, Krikket, quite a lot.  
You seem to be very savvy about the net and anon services, etc.  yet 
don't seem particularly disturbed by this anomaly.  Is this almost 
regular problem telling you something, Krikket?  or the rest of us?

Incidentally, although I am still posting anonymously, I have settled 
in my own mind that I could handle direct posting and e-mail (in fact 
I do with some people) and, like Ed, am not concerned about threats of 
exposure.  Nor do I feel pressured to come out of anonymity merely at 
the goading of someone quoting the Fear-and-Empowerment Imperative.

I simply select when and to whom I feel enough comfort and 
relationship to go direct.

Let me also say I am not trying to start a flame or an anonymity 
paranoia thread.  I am curious.  And would like to know answers.

Kristian



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1594@twwells.com (poohbear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: test
Date: 23 Jan 93 16:38:09 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com



test



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From: anon-1546@twwells.com (LittleBear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: LittleBear shares a goofy poem
Date: 22 Jan 93 16:11:58 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

Hi again. I was thinking one day how lucky my friends are because I take
such good care of them. Too good, sometimes at my expense. Suddenly this
came over me and I had to write it down. Thought I'd share it, and maybe
you can smile:
(Ahem. The original has my real name)


You're in Good Hands with LittleBear

You're in good hands with LittleBear.
I'm in good hands with me!

I'll be gentle, loving, kind.
No would have's, should's,
I'll find that I'll be
Wrapped in my loving arms
>From here on out.
No matter what.

I'm in good hands with me.



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From: anon-1534@twwells.com (Suzanna)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Birds
Date: 22 Jan 93 22:48:58 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

At the suggestion of a friend, I decided to feed birds a few days ago.
This was a wonderful experience, and I hope some of you find this
interesting and relevant. I'm sorry if it isn't. I'm sorry about the
following text being "quoted material", but I'm not very clever and
only know how to change it manually.

 > I don't normally have very much money to spend on things like books,
 > but I did go out and feed some birds the other day. It was wonderful;
 > I just sat on a bench and threw out the crumbs. Mostly the birds were
 > sparrows - I love them, they're so small and fragile looking, yet
 > still happy - and they enjoyed the meal, I think. None of them came
 > very close, but that too is good.
 > 
 > They hopped about, and it seemed to me they were eager, not so much
 > for the food, but to make me happy. They would look up at me
 > occasionally, and I made sure that each of them got about the same
 > amount. Some of them even stayed around for a while after my crumbs
 > were all gone.
 > 
 > And the chirping, all these individuals saying their own thing, not
 > drowning out anyone else, and making a larger conversation. They don't
 > sing, but they talk amongst themselves, and they talked to me.
 > 
 > It was beautiful, and it made me feel so happy. But again, it made me
 > so very, very sad. Is it always like this, that happy things are sad?
 > That time passes, and things wither and die, and I am left with just a
 > faint memory of the joy, and not the joy itself, or anything
 > fulfilling?

I am sorry if this is not relevant to this newsgroup.

Suzanna



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1591@twwells.com (Charlie)
Subject: just testing ...
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 10:52:01 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com

ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Name: Charlie
ANON-Announce: yes

Just testing whether I can reach all you wonderful people in asar.

Charlie.



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: ALI00ERW@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU
Subject: The Lightfixture Story...
Organization: UNC Charlotte
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 16:56:28 GMT

I can tell that this is getting to be one of those times when stuff just has
to bust loose...I need to be getting more work done & (ideally) only posting
from home...But when stuff starts building up inside, I have trouble concen-
trating until I get it out (so thats my excuse)...
 
THE LIGHTFIXTURE STORY:
 
I don't remember this happening because I was only 6 months old, but I heard
it told over and over for years (by my MOTHER) as a ***JOKE***...
 
My grandfather had a successful business that he ran from out of his house. It
was a big All-American ranch house where supposedly everything was good &
perfect & normanrockwellish. One room of the house was his den/office; it had
a large brass LIGHTFIXTURE hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room.
This LIGHTFIXTURE had a ring welded to the bottom of it (I dunno why--olde
Englishe taverne looke?).
 
When I was a baby I (like all over infants) liked to grab hold of things &
hold on tight. One day, when howard (perp) was holding me, I reached out &
grabbed hold of the ring. howard (perp) then LET GO OF ME & left me hanging
on to the LIGHTFIXTURE by myself while he LEFT THE ROOM!!!
 
Well, fortunately my grandmother (these were my mother's parents, btw) came
into the room and rescued me and had hysterics. BUT, nobody did anything about
howard (perp)!!!
 
Nobody called the police or child protective agency or my biological father or
ANYTHING!!!
 
For years afterwards my mother would tell her version of the LIGHTFIXTURE STORY
as a ***JOKE***, "oh, wasn't it silly of Mama to get so upset just because
howard left the baby hanging from the LIGHTFIXTURE. Of course he knew she would
hang on."
 
For years afterward this story always bothered me even though other members of
my family laughed at it. When I turned 18 I got a scholarship to a college
in another state. After a while I started telling other people this story to
see if they thought it was funny. And do ya know what? NOT ONE DAMN ONE OF THEM
DID!!!!!!! Either they thought it was terrible (if I just said that I knew a
situation where this happened) or they tuned-out completely when I said that
it happened to me (that kinda says something too, though, doesn't it?).
 
Pretty sick story, huh? Especially when you consider that my mother has claimed
for years that I abused her. (Hey, you know how vicious those little kids can
be!).
 
Well, thats all for today folks (I hope).
Now that I've gotten the LIGHTFIXTURE STORY out of my system, maybe I can get
some work done, right?
 
Erin
From: anon-1394@twwells.com (darkangel)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: nice typing ...
Date: 21 Jan 93 19:27:42 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

ignore the extra "or others"
apparently something on my end screwed up...

(probably me)
sigh.
darkangel



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: karen@invincible.bsd.uchicago.edu (& Brilmyer)
Subject: Question
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 14:50:55 GMT

I would like to know where the "fine line" is between sexual curiosity and  
sexual abuse lie....  I am having a hard time figuring out where one ends  
and one begins.  Is it that if siblings are involved it is sexual  
abuse.... such as fondling?  Sexual Curiosity if it is with friends...  
like playing doctor?  Sexual curiosity if young... say prior to ten?   
Sexual abuse if in teens?

I have continued to struggle with this aspect and would appreciate  
feedback to try to get this resolved.  

Thanks for any help that can be supplied in advance.
From: anon-1609@twwells.com
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: test,ignor
Date: 26 Jan 93 22:39:29 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


ANON-Ping: yes
ANON-Mail: yes
ANON-Announce: yes



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From: anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Birds
Date: 23 Jan 93 18:28:58 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9384

>From: anon-1534@twwells.com (Suzanna)
>Subject:Birds
>Date: 22 Jan 93 22:48:58 GMT
>Message-ID:<C1A21o.A1A@twwells.com>

>At the suggestion of a friend, I decided to feed birds a few days ago.
>This was a wonderful experience, and I hope some of you find this
>interesting and relevant. I'm sorry if it isn't. I'm sorry about the
>following text being "quoted material", but I'm not very clever and
>only know how to change it manually.
>
  [lovely story deleted to save bandwidth]

>I am sorry if this is not relevant to this newsgroup.
>
>Suzanna
>

Suzanna, 

I think anything that helps our recovery _is_ helpful.  Learning tenderness
for those gentle creatures has been helpful for me.  It soothes me when I 
feel the rage I still carry inside.

I have three feeders that I keep stocked at all times (it isn't easy keeping
up; those little guys can EAT), and I get all different kinds and sizes of
birds.  But it's still the sparrows that I like the best, like the writer of
the story said.  I think in some ways they remind me of m, feeling so timid
and small as I so often do.

Jazzman

(I wish some of us in this group could stop feeling sorry about so much,
myself included . . . . )



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From: anon-1160@twwells.com (poohbear)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: groups?
Date: 26 Jan 93 05:39:50 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes


what do you do when the people who are supposed to know
have the extreme misconception youre doing better

counselor said tonight she thought i should go to an
eating disorders group
and then she said, but if youre cutting and suicidal
they wont want you in it because the groups need to be
safe spaces and they dont want anyone who'll scare people
and make them uncomfortable

also she said i should se her maybe only once a week
instead of twice now

huh?
what could possibly possess her to think i am getting it together
she said we were past the crisis management stage
oh really?
hmmm.

oh hell excuse the anger in this post
how inappropriate
sorry
poohbear



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Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: eoliver@ralph.cs.haverford.edu (Erik Oliver)
Subject: Re: I'm a perpetrator, too
Organization: Haverford College Computer Science Department
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 22:50:29 GMT

In article <C1Dn8C.79p@twwells.com> anon-1554@twwells.com (Jazzman) writes:
>X-News: msus1 alt.sexual.abuse.recovery:9423
>
>
>>	So you are talking about self abuse here?  Or are you saying that
>>you are seeking out other children and abusing them?
>>
>
>Oh, geeze.  I'm sorry.  I didn't make it clear enough, did I.  This is
>self-abuse; self-hatred.
>
>I didn't think how this sounded.  It was clear to me, but on re-reading
>it I can see how it could get mis-construed.
>
>No, I have never abused any children; I treat my own children with kindness
>and respect and gentleness.  That's why I said this chain of abuse has
>been stopped.
>
>I'm sorry for any confusion or unnecessary anger that post caused.
>
>Sorry, 
>
>Jazzman
> 
>

*Phew*, sorry about my response, but I didn't get far past the first
part and your subject line didn't help. ;)

The only advice I can give is that you need to realize for yourself that
hurting yourself isn't a good thing.  *sigh!*

-Erik
From: esquire@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott C. Kramer)
Subject: Hieveryone
Keywords: I kow I have posted on ASAR, but I have been in the background watch.
Organization: Purdue University
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1993 15:46:51 GMT

 As the Subject and Keywords suggests....  I got off with a most wonderful
friend of min e last night and it was like well, actually, I was talking
to her(She knows who she is) and it didn't have anything to do wiht my
being sexually abused in the past, but just that I was crying last night
becuase I haven't heard from my dad in about 4 years, or seen him in about 10
years....I have no idea if he is alive or dead and it kinda scares me a little.
 I don't know if I saw him if I can say, "I love you, dad
" or now..I really don't know..I don't have the money to hire a private 
investigator or anything, but has anyone here in ASAR ever have a situation
where their dad just "disappeared" and you never knew if he was alive or 
dead??  It would be nice to know for once..after all, he is my dad..and I 
deserve the right to know....I need all of your support and love here...please
help me.. I need it(starting to break down and cry again)

Scott C. Kramer
a.k.a. esquire
esquire@sage.cc.purdue.edu
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Something Hacked out at work  **SPOILERS**
Date: 25 Jan 93 04:43:32 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Hmmm...  This message definately should contain:

***SPOILER WARNING***

Contains:  MPD stuff.  Someone stood up in my head and demanded attention for
the first time as a seperate individual.  He started writing, rather than
communicating directly.  It was also written so I'd have some record of it, and
wouldn't just forget.  At any rate, what follows is what I find written on the
paper.  (My memory of the time is hazy)

And no, I don't have any idea why I wrote "3 S." in the letter, or what it
means...

<><><><><><>

Hello.

        My name is John.  I guess I too am locked up in this legal entity
called [Krikket is scratched out on the paper here] Doug Krick.  Odd, the main
person has a hidden name.  More later, I'm not ready to become him yet. 
(Krikket, that is.)

        I hurt.  I'm the love addict.  Had to pick a name for myself from the
"Dear John" letter concept.  NO one has cared enough to recognise me for me
yet, let alone give me a name.

        Tara's seen me before.  So has Angel.  Wonder if I should identify
myslf as me.  6-3-0 has no emotion.  I'm all emotion, no rationallity, or so
that's what Krikket says.  I think 6-3-0 and I switch back and forth many times
though.  Definately different, 6-3-0 has just yelled at me for not hyphenating
his name though.  Must be logical he says, can't do anything to confuse.  '630'
and '6-3-0' are not equal.  I edited above and added hyphens.

        Now I know why I'm alone, even I can't always get along with myself. 
How could anyone else?  So I'm fucked.  "Goodbye cruel world".

        But Doug is yelling now and doesn't want me to put the quote there. 
Suicide talk to grab attention. 3 S.  Not to grab attention, but to die.  Let
me go peacefully.  I gave up, and instantly Krikket's odds (of finding an SO)
dramiticlly improve.

        Someone is tired.  Can't continue writing.  Goodbye.

                John / Krikket / Doug / 6-3-0 / Etc.

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'Krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Good News!!!
Date: 22 Jan 93 13:58:51 CST
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

Well, I just woke up, and already a couple really good things have happened.

1>  I am *NOT* going to be sued.  Last night a friend volunteered to loan me
the money to pay the lawyers.  Just now I got off the phone with the lawyers,
who are giving me an extra day to get the money to them, and are taking the
price of the public transportation off the amount owed.  I'm gonna be able to
pay this damn thing and keep a good credit history.  Thank goddess!

2>  I am now re-employed by my old employer, and start work tonight.  (Yeah! 
They were able to put me at an account within walking distance!!! Yippie!!!)

I'm happy.  Income is continuing to come in, and I'm not going to get my ass in
a lawsuit.  Thank god(dess)!  :)

And for anyone who cares, last night I did *NOT* end up even *LOOKING* for
those X-acto blades that are somewhere in this room.  I avoided cutting myself
again...

And finally, this afternoon the Email bug that's been giving me headaches
should be fixed.  My Email connection is jumping up a position or two, so I'm
only 1 hop of the Internet, and the problem should be resolved.  (It was the
intermediate machine that was causing the Email problems.)

By the time you guys read this message, my Email connection should be working
smoothly.  :)

<><><><><><>
Krikket                      ---  krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us
anon-1214@twwells.com        ---  an294@anon.penet.fi
#include<std.disclaimers>    ---  #include<sig.virus>

Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs in our world today.
Newsgroups: alt.recovery,alt.support
From: dbbergac@sanluis (Dave Bergacker)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
Subject: Re: Help from the "AUDIBLE LIFE STREAM"
Date: 27 Jan 93 15:30:12 GMT
Organization: University of Colorado at Colorado Springs
NNTP-Posting-Host: sanluis.uccs.edu
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]

Sorry to flame :-), but I thought this was alt.recovery, NOT alt.religion...
Please don't waste your time flaming back as my site only keeps the alt
articles around for a day, and I won't be reading your skillful insights
into my psyche.

--
_________________________________________
| Dave Bergacker			|
| dbbergac@culebra.uccs.edu		|
| Any opinions expressed are almost	|
| certainly not those of UCCS.		|
-----------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.recovery
From: nshaylor@fabcab.demon.co.uk (Nik Shaylor)
Subject: Re: The Promises
Reply-To: nshaylor@fabcab.demon.co.uk
Distribution: world
X-Mailer: cppnews $Revision: 1.30 $
Organization: Fabcab Ltd.
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 18:16:51 +0000

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question.

--
Nik Shaylor.  The Old School House, School Lane,   nshaylor@fabcab.demon.co.uk
              Salisbury, Wilts. SP1 3YA, UK.       +44 722 326577
Newsgroups: alt.recovery