From: fultonja@feserve.cc.purdue.edu (Andy Fulton)
Subject: Dead Parrot Sketch
To: R.J.Collingham@newcastle.ac.uk
Summary: "I wish to register a complaint"
Organization: Dead Parrot's Society
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 17:37:26 GMT


  Here is the sketch you requested:

[Scene: pet shop.  Mr. Praline walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in
a cage.  He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash
register.]

Praline (John):  Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael):  What do you mean, miss?
Praline:  Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper:  Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline:  Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I
     purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper:  Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue.  What's wrong with it?
Praline:  I'll tell you what's wrong with it.  It's dead, that's what's wrong
     with it.
Shopkeeper:  No, no it's resting, look!
Praline:  Look my lad, I know  a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at
     one right now.
Shopkeeper:  No, no sir, it's not dead.  It's resting.
Praline:  Resting?
Shopkeeper:  Yeah, remarkable bird the  Norwegian Blue, beautiful pumage, innit?
Praline:  The plumage don't enter intoit--it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper:  No, no--it's just resting.
Praline:  All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up.  (shouts into cage)
     Hello Polly!  I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly
     Parrot!
Shopkeeper:  (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline:  No he didn't.  That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper:  I did not.
Praline:  Yes, you did.  (takes parrot out of cage,shouts)  Hello Polly, Polly
     (bangs it against counter)  Polly Parrot,wake up.  Polly.  (throws it in
     the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead
     parrot.

Shopkeeper:  No, no it's stunned.
Praline:  Look my lad, I've just about had enough of this.  That parrot is
     definitely deceased.  And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you
     assured me that its lack of movement was dueto it being tired and shagged
     out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper:  It's probably pining for the fiords.
Praline:  Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk is that?  Look, why did it
     fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper:  The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.  Beautiful bird,
     lovely plumage.
Praline:  Look,  I took the liberty of examimimg that parrot, and I discovered
     that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first
     place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper:  Well of course it was nailed there.  Otherwise it would muscle up
     to those bars and voom.
Praline:  Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four
     thousand volts through it.  It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper:  It's not, it's pining.
Praline:  It's not pining, it's passed on.  This parrot is no more.  It has
     ceased to be.  It's expired and gone to meet its maker.  This is a late
     parrot.  It's a stiff.  Bereft of life, it rests in peace.  If you hadn't
     nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies.  It's rung 
     down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.  This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper:  Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline:  (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've
     got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper:  Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline:  I see.  I see.  I get the picture.
Shopkeeper:  I've got a slug.
Praline:  Does it talk?
Shopkeeper:  Not really, no.
Praline:  Well it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper:  Listen,  I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what,
     if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for 
     you.
Praline:  Bolton, eh.
Shopkeeper:  Yeah.
Praline:  All right.

[He leaves, holding the parrot.
CAPTION:  `A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'
Close-up uf sign on door reading:  `Similar Pet Shops, Ltd.'  Pull back from
sign to see same pet shop.  Shopkeeper now has moustache.  Praline walks into
shop.  He looks around with interest, noticing  the empty parrot cage still on
the floor.]

Praline:  Er, excuse me.  This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper:  No, no it's, er, Ipswitch.
Praline:  (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you.  (leaves)



Hope you enjoy it!!

 \/ (Peace) [] (Love), & :) (Happiness)
 Andy Fulton
 fultonja@feserve.cc.purdue