From: adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu (A.D. Williams)
Subject: MY FANTASTY HEARING AID COMPANY
Originator: adw3345@ultb
Reply-To: adw3345@ultb.rit.edu ()
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 05:03:31 GMT


 After having my audiologist explain in conscending tones about my 
new hearing aid (which set me back $600) and going through the
same old drill (don't get it wet, make sure you use the right
battery, the hearing aid is an expensive and complicated peice
of equipment so don't mistreat it, no smoking on this flight, 
emergency exits are marked on the isles), it came to a shock to
me that she pointed out that the flesh tone on the hearing aid
is some sort of new type that would make it easier to conceal.

 Now this got my goat. I've been wearing a hearing aid since I was
two, and never felt embarrased by it. The fact that a hearing aid
is something that I would want to conceal revolts me. And while I'm
talking about revolting things, I think it's a crock that I should
have to pay through the nose for Radio Shack quality parts.

 So I'm going to form my own hearing aid company. Not like your
grandma's hearing aid company (My slogan: It's Not Your Grandma's
Hearing Aid), but the top of the line, sleek, mean, and an instant
mark of sophisication. Kind of like Bose.

 I am going to use the latest DSP technology, using surface mount
technology, not the old analog amplifier shit. Oh no, it's going
to be digitized and customized to people's audiogram frequencies.
It's going to have noise filters and sound enhancers. It's going
to be so sophisicated it comes with its own 128 button remote
control. It'll be featured in "Stereo Review", not in "Old People
Review". 

 And what's more, my hearing aids will be indestructable. Right
now hearing aids get shorted out when I go to the weight room for 
a bit of a workout. Ftzth. Just like that. Just a teeny bit of
sweat. My audiologist just laughs and says that's the way it's
always been and that's what it's always going to be. I say
bull-SHIT. I will have a line of hearing aids called
NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST HEARING AIDS. In big letters, because it's
something to shout about.  You can go deep
sea diving in it and they won't whimper. You can throw them under
a Mack truck and they won't complain. They'll be military grade.
And do you know why? Because they're NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST hearing
aids and It's Not Your Grandma's Hearing Aid.

 And forget the flesh tone. That's for neruotic weenies afraid
to admit that they have a hearing problem. Whose fault is it?
Not theirs, so be proud of it. My hearing aids are going to
come in leopard skin, blue lightning bolts, silver metallic
sheen, neon green, and in glitter. You can have it with Smurfs
on it, but no way you get it in flesh tone.

 The people who endorse my hearing aids on TV aren't old people
living alone and using Depends. Oh no. Famous hearing impaired
people like Lou Ferringo (The Incredible Hulk guy) and The Who,
as well as the bomb squad in Desert Storm are going to give
testosterone drenched endorsements for NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST
hearing aids, because It's Not Your Grandma's Hearing Aid.

 With the new generation of hearing impaired people in the future,
when noise pollution becomes so bad that silent movies become
the rage again, a whole country of young and rowdy Americans
will wear NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST hearing aids well into the 21st century.


                                        Derrick Williams
                                        Founder and CEO
                                        NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST HEARING AIDS
                                        (Investors welcome)

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- Derrick Williams   Rochester Institute of Technology | Insert snappy  -
- adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu     Computer Science        | quotation here -
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