From: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Flirting (was: Re: LJBF again)
Date: 2 Sep 92 18:50:40 GMT
Reply-To: dswt@bnr.co.uk (Stewart Tansley)
Organization: BNR Europe Limited, London Road, Harlow, Essex, GB

In the referenced article weaver@jetsun.weitek.COM (Michael Gordon Weaver) writes:
>In article <1992Sep1.092522@cs.bham.ac.uk> jml@cs.bham.ac.uk (Jane Littlehales) writes:

[Megabytes of interesting, but irrelevant stuff deleted]
>
>I became fond of a woman who seemed difficult but worthwhile, and
>decided that I would take whatever time and effort to develop a
>relationship between us. I knew that this effort would be likely to
>fail, but I thought it was worth the effort.  I thought I was being
>patient, tactful and restrained, but apparently not. She broke our
>first date with a lame excuse, and instead of complaining like a
>sensible person, I waited and asked her out again. My reward for this
>was the famous LJBF speech.

Ah, such a familiar tale to my ears... :-\ 

>
>I mention this because her theory about why this had happened was
>similar to yours: I had somehow interpreted something she had done as
>an invitation. She tried a few times to get me to tell her exactly what
>it was that she had done that I had misinterpreted.  I supposed she
>hoped to avoid having to go through the LJBF speech again with someone
>new.  And in fact, she was a terrible flirt and flirted with me
>constantly before and after the LJBF, and I enjoyed that, but I didn't
>see it as an expression of intent on her part.  I always found it funny
>because she seemed to be saying I wouldn't have fallen for her if she
>hadn't pushed me, and that all it would take was one push.

I had a long debate about flirting with an ex-LJBF of mine. She wasn't a
*terrible* flirt, but she did indulge and was popular partly because of it.
Like Michael's case, she didn't pattern-match at all that flirting =
come-on. We discussed this at length, pseudo-academically almost! Eventually
I think she saw my point, and I saw hers:

1. Flirting is a wondeful entertainment that helps to make life worth living.
2. Flirting is a pain in the butt by giving confusing, ambiguous messages.

These are interwoven, of course! But the main realisation between us was
that flirting only works if you are *sure* it is *mutual*. Too many people
don't put any thought into ensuring this -- which in any case, would take
all the fun out of it of course!

What a pain life is sometimes!

>
>I like to think I have avoid getting another LJBF speech by knowing
>when to stop pushing. I don't try to guess whether the woman is
>interested in me, I try to watch her actions to gauge how she is
>handling her end of the relationship.  Because not only can you be
>mistaken about someone's interest in you, even if their interest in you 
>is stong it they may be unable or unwilling to commit to a relationship
>with you.

Absolutely. Now, where is someone I can practice on please? ;-)

>
>Michael ;-)


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