From: quetzal@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Quetzal)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
Subject: A Mechanism for the transfer of knowledge
Date: 27 Jan 93 01:43:04 GMT
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.

"A mechanism for the transfer of knowledge" by:   Tim Pickett (Quetzal)
                                                                 et al.
from _Journal_of_Applied_and_Theoretical_Inane_Ranting_, vol 2, no 6

WARNING:
    This article must be read with the tongue firmly implanted in either
cheek.  It does not matter which cheek to use, but be sure to remove it
prior to any laughing or serious injury to speech organs may result. Teeth
can be sharp!
    Smileys, such as :), etc. have been surgically removed from the article
for conservation of space.
    This article is copyright and may only be used with the permission
of the authors.  Terry Pratchett has our permission already.

ABSTRACT:
    It is common knowledge that knowlegde is common.  However, there
does appear to be a finite quantity of it about.  Because of this, there
have been many attempts to transfer knowledge using solid-state devices.
This article describes one such system, known as the Lecture Theatre.

ASSUMPTIONS:
    The Lecture Theatre has long interested these two authors as an
example of what seems to be a violation of the second law of
thermodynamics.  This is not in fact true, naturally; this article
explains the knowledge-transfer mechanisms that function in a typical
Lecture Theatre, where students release knowledge to the University in
apparent contradiction to thermodynamics, which one would expect to
dictate that knowledge flows from a high-density area (the University)
to a low-density area (the students).
    A small introduction to quantum knowledge is probably in order.
Knowledge is represented as small, discrete quanta, called "thoughts",
which can, if conditions are favourable, be transferred between objects
(including people).  Thoughts are a very peculiar sort of particle,
having no detectable mass but nonetheless apparently travelling at a
finite, but superluminal speed.  The dynamics of thought are not being
studied here; all that is important is that they can be transferred.
Conditions that are important in the transfer of thoughts are heat, and
a thought gradient or potential difference. 

DISCUSSION:
    There are 5 major steps in the transfer of knowledge from student to
university in this system:
    1. Initial condition.  At the start of the lecture the students have
much knowledge on the subject in question and so are bustling with
thoughts.  They have a high _thought_ _density_.  Upon entering the
knowledge draining room ("Lecture Theatre") they seat themselves and
face the front.  It is vitally important that the knowledge pump, or
"lecturer" arrive late, as this facilitates the lowering of the
knowledge potential barrier that each student carries in order to keep
his or her thoughts in.  Indeed sleep, which will be considered later,
is the most efficient way of lowering a student's knowledge potential
barrier.
    2. The lecturer.  The knowledge pump, whose ability to drain
knowledge relies on primitive electrochemical reactions and is not
relevant here, enters the Lecture Theatre and immediately starts to
operate.  This is done by not only a very low knowledge density at the
front of the Lecture Theatre, but a thought potential difference
facilitated by the student's inattention- and sleep-induced lowering of their
barrier and the heat gradient between the back and the front of the Lecture
Theatre (See note 1).
    3. Knowledge transfer from students to lecturer.  The thoughts,
currently in the students, are transferred to the lecturer by the
knowledge and heat gradients as well as a thought-attractive substance
kept by the lecturer, known as "chalk".  To maximise the transfer rate,
the lecturer stands with his or her back to the theatre (See note 2),
"using" the chalk on the front wall to write some of the less important
knowledge that he or she is receiving.  The chalk on the front wall of
the theatre attracts more thoughts which are directly transferred to the
theatre and thus the University, though few thoughts are actually
transferred this way.
    4. The end of the lecture.  After approximately one hour, when the
lecturer is full, the draining session ends and the students leave the
Lecture Theatre, instinctively following the green lights located above
the exits.  The lecturer removes all the chalk from the front wall,
being sure to get as much on him or her as possible.
    5. Emptying the lecturer.  The knowledge pump, full of thoughts,
leaves the Lecture Thratre and goes towards his or her office.  The
office is by design very cold so that another heat potential gradient is
created to assist the thoughts in leaving the lecturer and entering the
university's vast knowledge.  The lecturer also shakes off all the chalk
dust that he or she carried from the Theatre and adds it to the floor
where its contents slowly seeps into the university.  The lecturer is now empty
and can return to the Lecture Theatre to obtain another hour's worth of
thoughts.

CONCLUSION:
    The lecturer/knowledge pump is a very efficient way of transferring
knowledge from students to a university.  With suitable modifications,
the chalk-coated lecturer could become a valuable commodity in any field
where knowledge must be preserved, such as encyclopaedias and their
related salespersons.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:
    The authors would like to thank Mr T. F. Eccles for supplying vital
information that would have made this article otherwise impossible.

NOTES:
    1. As every student knows, heat naturally collects at the back of a
lecture theatre.  No one has ever made a satisfactory explanation of
this.
    2. It has been discovered that thoughts leave most easily from the
front of people's heads, and enter a head most easily from behind.
This is a purely empirical discovery and is employed because it works.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
    Tim Pickett (Quetzal) is a computer science honorary life undergraduate
at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia.  He spends his spare time trying
to watch _The_Little_Mermaid_ in record time (his record so far is thirty-five
minutes), and when not whinging about the unavailability of _Little_Mermaid_
soundtracks and the like, he is to be found in fifteenth-century Mexico, as
the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl, settling old scores with Huitzilopochtli and Tlaloc.
Lately, he has be inundated with requests from Americans who want a copy
of a poster that is only available in Australia and New Zealand, and is
getting damn near sick of the whole thing.
    et al. is perhaps the biggest authority on almost every subject you care to
name; she has worked with another well-known authority, Ibid., since the time
of the Roman Empire. 
    Their previous article for the _JATIR_ was "Genetic Considerations
in _The_Little_Mermaid_"; contact us for a copy.