HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu (Lydia Uribe)
Subject: Re: Inner Child
Organization: Claremont Shelter for Maladjusted Singers
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 04:44:47 GMT

In article <1992Sep9.194504.3434@sei.cmu.edu> aw@sei.cmu.edu (Anne Wulffraat) writes:
>
>I was a normal, happy kid once, before things started going wrong. And each
>day the I grew up. But when things did start going wrong, I stopped growing.
>Since I blocked stuff out, I didn't grow up with it; I remained a child with
>it. So my body grew, my intellect grew, but the child all these things
>happened to didn't grow. When I started remembering things, I became really
>aware of how it felt to be that child. She's a part of me. And when I 
>remember things and the emotions are there, they're her emotions. So I try,
>with my bigger body and bigger intellect, to help the inner child - the
>child within me who hasn't been free to grow.
>It was good to find her. She's pretty cool.

Anne -- thanks for one of the clearest explanations of the concept of the
"inner child" that I've ever seen.  I wish I'd seen something like that
months ago -- it might have made it easier for me to connect with my
seven-year-old.  

>Does that make any sense at all?

Makes *eminent* sense to me -- reflects almost exactly my experience in
connecting with my inner child this summer.  I'm finding out that she's
pretty cool, too. ;-)

					Lydia

"You're more than beginning -- you're learning to fly;
 You feel like you're falling, but it passes in time...."
			"From Me to You", Janis Ian
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Soprano (Lydia M. Uribe)                      uribe@jarthur.claremont.edu |
| Claremont, CA                                  uribe@hmcvax.claremont.edu |
|           Cats, quilts and diving -- what more could anyone ask?          |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: holzman@fnalno.fnal.gov (Daniel B. Holzman)
Subject: *SPOILER* FUCK YOU JEFF BOSER!
Organization: Fermi National Accelerator Lab
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 20:52:09 GMT
X-Posted-From: fnalno.fnal.gov
X-Posted-Through: sol.ctr.columbia.edu

***********SPOILERS****************8

In article <5mvnfy+.boserj@netcom.com>, boserj@netcom.com (Jeffrey Boser) 
excretes:
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO KILL YOURSELF!!!!!
> 
> 
> .....jeff
> <smirk>  I know im going to get flamed bigtime for this one
> but Ive gotta offset all these 'i love you so change' posts.

Damn right you're getting flamed, asshole.

Maybe you think that Krikket's fooling around?  This is someone's life we're
talking about here, you fuck!!!  Maybe he's just a name and a message to you,
but he's a real human to those of us who know and love him!

Please do the world a favor and die.  Please do us a favor and leave ASAR.  If
you can't give support, at least don't be here where you stupidity and
shitheadedness may be responsible for someone dying.  What have you learned
that noone's killed you yet?

Don't bother responding.

-- 
Daniel B. Holzman                    | Eight Words the Witch's Rede Fufill:
HOLZMAN@FNAL.BITNET                  | An It Harm None, Do What You Will
HOLZMAN@FNALC.FNAL.GOV.INTERNET      |
                                     | All Acts of Love and Pleasure are
Love doesn't subtract,               | Her Rituals
   it multiplies    - Heinlein       |
                                     | Speak the Word.
Disclaimer:  Fermilab's far too large to have an opinion, let alone mine.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Subject: Re: First Post, Lost Love
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
Date: 10 Sep 1992 08:48 EST  

In article <BuC0KF.HK8@twwells.com>, anon-1217@twwells.com (Adam) writes...
> 
>Now, my partner needs to leave the relationship to grow in areas that
>he cannot within it.  I've been doing a lot of grieving.  I feel like
>I'll never find the level of safety, support, and love that I have
>known with him.  I feel angry at him for leaving.  I feel love for
>him and hope he does well with his new growth.  I feel abandoned and
>hurt.  
> 

Adam, if it helps here's my ideas on relationships.  It's not fool-proof, 
but it's seen me through some break-ups.
I think that the more *good* relationships you've had, the more likely it 
is that you'll have more of them.
As opposed to your other relationships, this one was good.  It was open, 
honest, and loving.  You know now how that feels and what to look for.  You 
know that this is the kind of relationship you want.  IMHO, you're now more 
likely to find it or build it.
Good luck.

Gentleness to all
-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: dyer@spdcc.com (Steve Dyer)
Subject: Re: I'm an uncle.
Organization: S.P. Dyer Computer Consulting, Cambridge MA
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 22:29:03 GMT

In article <1992Sep8.180936.10898@reed.edu> bob@reed.edu (Robert Ankeney) writes:
>     Well, as of Friday, I became an uncle.  I thought this was supposed
>to be a happy occasion.  :-(  My brother is unaware of our abuse, as far
>as I know.  So this morning I mailed him a letter, mentioning a little of
>what I've been going through and seeing if he wants to talk about it.  I
>figure it's one thing I can try to do for my new nephew.

It isn't a foregone conclusion by any means that someone who was sexually
abused will also be an abuser.  That is, this is not the same as stating
that many people who abuse children were themselves abused, and even there
the causality is not at all clear.  People are all different.  It's easy
to forget this.


-- 
Steve Dyer
dyer@ursa-major.spdcc.com aka {ima,harvard,rayssd,linus,m2c}!spdcc!dyer
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: anon-1186@twwells.com (Lavender)
Subject: time lag and re:technical comments
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 21:43:11 GMT
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com


someone posted ...
 
           >  From where I am, things posted to khijol get to the
           >  newsgroup much
           >  faster than those posted to twwells.
 
that has been my experience too ... but let me try it
this is being posted to twwells before being posted to khijol
 
same someone also posted about having a "!" and a "@" in the
address... that a workaround was to put a \ before the ! ...
I have found that to work too...so I post to
        khijol\!anonasar@saturn.upl.com



--
To use this service, send EMAIL to:
anon-ping@twwells.com  -- test path/get anonymous id
anon-help@twwells.com  -- for a help message
anon-admin@twwells.com -- ANON administrator
anon-0@twwells.com     -- anonymous e-mail to ANON administrator
anon-asar@twwells.com  -- post anonymously to alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: hermit@cats.UCSC.EDU (William R. Ward)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Tammy Zywicki
Date: 9 Sep 92 01:51:15
Organization: Computing and Telecommunications Services, UCSC
NNTP-Posting-Host: am.ucsc.edu
In-reply-to: enigma@netcom.Netcom.COM's message of Tue, 08 Sep 92 04:04:16 GMT

In article <ENIGMA.92Sep7200416@netcom.Netcom.COM>
    enigma@netcom.Netcom.COM (Enigma) writes:
|This is the first I've heard of it, but then I don't watch TV.  I
|think a little paranoia is a good idea - as you point out, this could
|happen to anyone.  There are a lot of things we can do to minimize the
|danger, though.  I recently priced cellular phones - you can buy one
|for $200-300.  Not sure how much the monthly charges run, but
|personally I would only use it to call AAA if my car broke down.  I
|think it's really important to have AAA or some other motor club
|coverage, someone that will come and tow your car 24 hours a day.  For
|those of us that can't afford a cellular phone, a cb radio might be a
|good idea - I heard somewhere that the highway police monitor one of
|the cb channels.  And of course it's important to have your car tuned
|up regularly.

A couple of comments about CB: First of all, CB is heavily populated
by truckers... And anyone who's seen "Thelma & Louise" knows what I'm
getting at: it's not a great place for women, *especially* those in
distress!!  I strongly recommend that women avoid using CB as a way of
calling for help; even if you do speak to a cop, a nearby sexist pig
might be listening in.....  The only women on CB are (really!) the
stereotypical "big mama" types, as far as I've seen in my year or two
experience with CB in high school (my friends and I used it to chat
while we caravanned around town).

The story about cops listening in is largely a crock.  Sure, law
enforcement agencies are supposed to listen to channel 9; in reality,
no way, at least not around here, and from what I understand not
elsewhere either.

For men, however, CB radios can be wonderful.  On one of those
occasions my friend's car broke down and we managed to find someone on
CB who was listening from his "base" (ie, home) who called AAA for us.

|Another "pet peeve" of mine is high heeled shoes.  If I'm going to
|be outside, I want to be wearing shoes I can run in.  I've seen a
|lot of women wear high heels at the office, then change to running
|shoes at the end of the day for the trip home (of course, I just
|wear running shoes all day long, but then I'm a programmer - a lot
|of women have to get dressed up for work).

Well, there are alternatives--I believe there are shoe manufacturers
that make women's walking shoes that are still "dressy" enough to be
worn in place of high heels in the workplace, and acceptable for
running short distances.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Adults saying NO and other things
From: Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower)
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1992 00:39:35 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Comp. Sci., Victoria Uni. of Wellington, New Zealand.

In article <92247.224626SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu> <SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu> writes:
[...]
>to realize that what happened to me was abuse and how it has affected me) I
>had never said no to him- I don't think it even occurred to me that I
>could. Even now, it is almost impossible for me to say it.

I'm starting to think that variations of this are common in women.
Men and women tend to think in different ways.  Most (?) women tend
not to want to upset others and want to be polite, so they don't
always reply directly to a question like "Do you want me to...".  An
example given to me by my girlfriend (an adult!) was when a man asks a
woman if she would like the window closed.  The woman is likely to say
something like "Ok.", or some such, if she *doesn't* want the window
closed, but she isn't too concerned.  However, if she really agreed,
she would be more enthusiastic.  My girlfriend said it was a
characteristic of Asian women, but I'd previously read it in a book
from an American female author.  I think the degree of aquiessence (sp?)
varies between people, and their mood.  It probably applies to some
men as well.

Maybe the partner of someone who can't say "no", should ask a question
which requires a significant positive answer to continue, rather than
an absence of a negative one?

Could some survivors comment on the above please.


[...]
>already full (I called only a few hours after the list was published.) "If you
>call back after Sept. 8 there might be an opening, or I could connect you
>to someone else." By then I just wanted off the phone. Aren't these people
>supposed to be a little more understanding and helpful??

I think they should be more helpful.


>
>I'm glad I have a place to ramble about these kinds of things. Most of the
>time I try really hard to keep anyone from knowing this stuff. Almost as if
>there are two of me- the capable one who doesn't have any problems, and the
>other one, who gets hidden in a closet when company comes. Even the people
>who ought to know, especially my SO, almost never see the second part. I try
>very hard to keep it hidden.
>
>I should stop babbling now, but thanks for listening.
>
>Sarah

"Babble" away as much as you feel the need, it can be good for you.


Gavin
-- 
Tomorrow's Society                              | flower_g@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
    Depends on                                   ----------------------------
Today's Children  - help us raise them properly! 
*******  These comments have no known correlation with dept. policy!  *******
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Subject: Re: ***SPOILER**** too much, not enough
Reply-To: kara@BORN.phys.virginia.edu (Kara Jayne Keeter)
Organization: Dept. of Physics, University of Virginia
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1992 05:43:26 GMT

Hi brandywine,

You are not alone in feeling alone... there are others of us
who also don't have SO's to support us...  I have been going
through some really bad times lately, and sometimes things seem
hopeless.  They don't seem particularly hopeless right now, or
else I wouldn't even be able to write...

In the past I've done what you described, doing things I didn't want
to do, and specifically doing the thing you mentioned.  So I think 
I know how you feel.

This is prolly incoherent, well I guess I haven't really said anything,
but if anyone out there is listening, help please...

-kk


Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
From: boserj@netcom.com (Jeffrey Boser)
Subject: Re: Tammy Zywicki
Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 02:01:36 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 

TY.AU7@isumvs.iastate.edu (C. MARIE RIGGINS) writes:
>Does it freak anyone else out that this was a girl about the same age
>as a lot of people on here (I'm assuming a good number of the people
>are in college)?  Any one of us could have our car break down and
>trust someone to help us fix it and end up wrapped in a blanket and
>tossed along the roadside until a passerby sees our body.  Where can
>we be safe?

<shrug>  You cant.  There is nowhere you can be safe.
Worrying about it results in hiding behind locked doors,
about as alive as Tammy.


..jeff
From: bear@tigger.cs.Colorado.EDU (Bear Giles)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 3...
Date: 12 Sep 92 02:55:04 GMT
Organization: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs

In article <BuFLE8.Eyn@comp.vuw.ac.nz> Gavin.Flower@comp.vuw.ac.nz (Gavin Flower) writes:
>Does his post contravene any laws?  

There is a jurisdictional issue here, but if he made his comment
after krikket made a bona fide indication of intention to commit
suicide I believe it is criminal.

About the only recognized exception to Freedom of Speech in the
U.S. is when it is a "direct and immediate threat to safety."
(The "Yelling 'fire' in a crowded theater" argument, also involved
in "incitement to riot" laws).  The question a District Attorney
will ask is "was Krikket serious?"

Does anyone know the physical location of netcom?  A short note
to the local DA may be appropriate if this person remains active
in this group.


Bear Giles
bear@fsl.noaa.gov
From: aatresa@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov (Teresa Kline)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Self-defense class?
Date: 6 Sep 92 16:28:00 GMT
Organization: Yeah, *right* !
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41

In article <1992Sep03.195814.27488@sco.com>, joannee@fscott.UUCP (Joanne Eglash) writes...
> 
>Has anyone taken a self-defense class, such as Model Mugging,
>or perhaps something such as karate or other martial arts?

I am currently taking Korean karate (Tae Kwon Do) classes.  I am finding 
them very useful.

>I am debating enrolling in a karate class, because I think that
>the feeling of being able to fully defend myself against any
>attempted assault would help me feel protected. 

Two suggestions:  let *at least* the teacher know something about your 
issues.  They need a good warning.  :-)  Just in case you decide to go full
-contact when they're not expecting it.
Also, don't think of it as a cure-all.  I know people who think that 
because they're taking martial arts classes, they can walk down streets at 
3am and be perfectly safe.  NOT!  My sensei asked me (as well as my 
therapist) what my goal was.  I told them I want ten seconds to get away.  
I don't think I'm going to "take out" some man who weighs more and is 
stronger than me.  But I *do* think that I'm learning to fight (instead of 
freeze) and that I can learn to deal a blow that will get me free.

>I have a lot of fears about taking that class, though, and going through what
>I think would bring up a lot of memories. I'd appreciate hearing
>from other survivors who have taken such courses ( or  are currently
>enrolled) and how it has been for them.

I have one funny story.  My sensei does about 45-50 minutes of strict kata 
work and then the last 10-15 minutes is self-defense.  All of the class 
members know that I've been abused, so they have been warned that I may 
freeze or freak at any time and to be prepared.  Suddenly the guys started 
wearing cups...wonder why?  :-)
Anyway, one night the sensei was telling us how to get out of a headlock.  
He demonstrated the procedure then told one of the guys (*all* guys in this 
class) to put a headlock on me.  I froze.  Sensei said "No you're supposed 
to do this."  I said "Maybe *you* are supposed to do that.  To be honest 
I'm comfortable standing just like this right now!"  Got laughs all around, 
then spent 10 minutes having various people put headlocks on me while I 
worked on *not* freezing.  It was fun after a while.

-- Teresa

		Life -- just for the FUN of it!!!!
From: dmoore@ucsd.edu (David Moore)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: My mother
Date: 10 Sep 92 01:33:13 GMT
Reply-To: dmoore@ucsd.edu
Organization: UCSD Peripheral Nerve Research Group
NNTP-Posting-Host: sdnp1.ucsd.edu
In-reply-to: cryst@belay's message of 6 Sep 92 21:25:03 GMT

In article <Bu6E5s.7Lv@belay> cryst@belay (Crystal Bell) writes:
	[ Long story about her mother deleted for space. ]

|After all the crap she had put me through why on earth should I feel guilty
|about changing my unlisted phone number? (Actually i moved but that's
|not the issue) And making everyone who has it promise not to give it to her.

	I don't think you should have to feel guilty about this.  People
often say, 'You can chose your friends but you can't chose your family' and
then leap into some story about how important your family is.  But I think
that if your parents are bad for you, then you should be able to get away
from them.  You are important to me, and I'd much rather see you better off
by breaking your past from your mother (if that's what it takes for you)
than keeping with her and allowing her to hurt you more.

|I shouldn't feel guilty. after all she has NEVER ,EVER been there for me 
|when I needed her. Through any of the sexual abuse, Hell a lot of it was 
|her fault. She was the one who allowed her boyfriend to sell me. 

	You shouldn't feel guilty.  I agree.  But I feel very guilty all of
the time, and I know I'm not 'supposed' to, so I do understand what it's
like.  I hope you can someday get past the guilt...

|Why do I feel guilty?????

	It seems to me to be a common theme for survivors to feel guilty.
No words of wisdom from me, I just try to convince myself that I don't need
to be feeling this much guilt whenever I am in a well enough place to do
so.  Right now, I just find it amazing how much guilt I have for things
that were out of my control or done to me...

|				   Sorry for rambling. 
|				   **Crystal**

	I'm glad to have read your post, and I hope to see you continue to
post here.  I've in fact enjoyed all of your posts so far.  I'm finding for
myself rambling to be pretty useful to me in my healing.

David
--
David Moore <dmoore@ucsd.edu> - SysAdmin/Programmer
UCSD | Dept. of Anesthesiology | V-151 | La Jolla, CA 92093-9151
Work Phone: (619) 552-8585 x7042
"God does not play dice." - A. Einstein		"Yes, I do." - D. Moore
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1992 17:33:10 EDT
From: <SCG107@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject:    loooong weekend


*** Some sort of SPOILER warning- raw and bloody places showing ****

Like it says in the subject line, it has been a loooooong and difficult
weekend.

There's something in my head that wants OUT.
Something I don't want to know about, that should stay buried.

Saturday afternoon I spent in bed crying, for no particular reason, because
I couldn't do anything else. And it has gone downhill from there...

There's a monster here with me, and if I turn around fast enough I can almost
see its shadow. If I pull the blankets over my head, will it go away??

I did something yesterday that I'm ashamed of, something I never thought I
would do. And it bothers me to tell about it. I'm afraid people will be mad
at me and not understand. I hurt myself to try and keep this THING away from
me. Not much, just a little blood. And the terrifying part is that it worked.
It gave me something real to focus on, and a punishment for thinking such
horrible things, and it made me feel better. And I can see myself doing it
again, and I'm scared.

It was my father's birthday yesterday, so I had to call home and tell my
parents how well I'm doing, and how wonderful everything is.

I think the THING might have something to do with being abused by my
grandfather. I have absolutely no reason to think this has any possibility
of being true, and I'm horrible even to think it.

The idea first occurred to me a long time ago (well, a few months anyway) when
I was trying to figure out how I could have just let my cousin use me. And
this thought appeared from nowhere- "It didn't matter what Jeff (my cousin)
did, because my grandfather did it first." Just a sneaky little thought. And
I promptly shelved it as being completely impossible.

But it keeps peeking out, showing its ugly little head. How could I invent
such a horrible idea??

I know all the stuff about survivors not inventing their abuse. But I am
inventing this. Why?? To give myself an excuse for letting my cousin abuse me.
To make what happened to me seem "bad enough" to justify asking for support.
To make it bad enough to cause me this much pain.

I have a pseudo-memory. Nothing big- just a hand between my legs. But it
bothers me, because I don't know whose hand it is. Could it be my cousins?
Or someone else's?? Or HIS?? Or did I just invent this flash of feeling??

I have a very vivid imagination.

But maybe it is true.

Or maybe it just doesn't matter at all. This person did this, that person
might have done that- so what?

It was only me.



Sarah