From: vickie@pilot.njin.net (Vickie Mapes)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Alaska Moments aka One Two Three Jump! (was Re: lawyers in Chicago
Date: 4 Oct 92 13:16:19 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.

Hello everyone,

I can't believe I'm doing this. I just sent an e-mail message saying
I wasn't sure if I was strong/brave enough to post non-anon. Then
after I sent it, I just decided to go ahead and do it. This is the letter,
then I'll append some thoughts after it.

==========


I was told about this group a few days ago. yesterday I got the courage
to subscribe to it. I held off reading anything though, until my SO
went out of town on a business trip. I started last night. I went away
to read other things because it was painful. Then I decided to complete
the reading. I've been sitting here for hours reading and I am amazed
to see all the things that I can identify with. I feel much stronger
(though tireder :-)) than I did a few hours ago. Though I was certain
that I would only post anonymously, I actually feel like I *might*
be able to post under my own name. I'm still not totally sure.

In alt.sexual.abuse.recovery you write:

>This is kind of on a different subject (but still Chicago!)--did anyone 
>happen to read Ann Lander's column of a few Sundays ago?  She devoted the 

I did read that Ann Landers collumn. I was at lunch and was sitting at
the table crying just reading Ann Landers! I don't know if anyone saw
me, but I didn't care. I haven't read the book yet.

>I am still getting used to all this, so let me know if I make major faux pas.
>I work at a Computing Center, but I belong on a farm or field somewhere, I 
>am convinced.

This last sentence hit a(nother, after what I've been reading all night)
nerve. I don't know you or how you mean this, but I feel the same way,
in a way. For me, whenever I feel depressed and I'm full of self-hatred
(that's a lot, nowadays) I wish I could go somewhere far away where I
wouldn't have to be around anybody, talk, do anything. Be completely
alone. Generally when I feel like that it's because I feel as if I'm
screwing up other people and it's not so much that *I* don't want to be
around other people, but because I don't want other people to be around
*me*. It's such a painful feeling. Anyway, I call these moments my
"Alaska Moments" (because I want to live underground in northern Alaska)
and I try to make fun of myself for having another Alaska Moment in
order to make them not hurt so much.

I assume that you meant that you'd be better or happier at gardening 
or farming than you do working in a Computer Center, but I thought I'd
share how your comment hit me.

Thanks for making me laugh out loud after all the pain I've been
reading. (Understand, not laughing at *you* but at myself)

========

If I can get past that "send" key, then i'll be ok, and I'll be able
to post here again in the future. I just want you all to know that 
I've had more therapy in the past few hours reading this group than
I've had in my entire life. I admire your courage. I admire your
honesty. Most of all, I admire your kindness and compassion. I already
feel safe here, and if I ramble in future posts, I know I won't be
flamed for it (I promise not to do it too often.)

I wrote down the address to ftp the FAQ. I'll read it so I'll know
what to and not to do here.

(Well, maybe posting e-mail wasn't a good idea, but it was e-mail that
*I* wrote, and I would never post e-mail that I received from someone
else.)


Thank you all.

vickie

  "Wake and arise, defiant one. Time for you to be who you are. Come
   and appear before them now. Time for you to be who you are"
                                                         Happy Rhodes