From: zam@athena.mit.edu (Nor Aazizam Mohd Aasif)
Subject: Dan Quayle's Jokes
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1992 18:44:27 GMT


I got this from rec.humor some time ago.  I think you will enjoy it...

---------

St. Louis, MO  --(UPI)-- Vice President Dan Quayle today visited St.
Lous, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German
immigrants.  In order to show support for the newly-unified country of
Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F.
Kennedy's words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English,
"I am a Jelly Doughnut!"  Political commentators agreed that something
was lost in the translation.  Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying
that he had been told that those who lived in central America enjoyed
jelly doughnuts.

----

   Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense
   cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
                      offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
                      with the defensive system of NATO
----

   Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
   prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
   to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
   defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
   will eventually go.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from
   the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there
   are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means
   there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----


   Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
   the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
   is right here.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989
----

   What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
   at all. How true that is.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
                      speaking to the United Negro College Fund
----

   You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
   campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
   will always be.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
                      whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
----

   Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
   Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
   Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
   history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century,
   I didn't live in this century," he said.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
   of human rights.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many
   voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans...
   I have heard a single voice.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
   democracy - but that could change.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
   and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
                          Forum, March 1990
----

   It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
   as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   Target prices? How that works?  I know quite a bit about farm policy.
   I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
   which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
   We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
   very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
   making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
                      define the term "target prices."
                      Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
                      conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
----

   I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past
   what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
   The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
   have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have
   prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
----

   Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
   the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
   two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
   Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
   Unbelievable.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
                      Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
----

   May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
                                   -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
                                          [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
----

   Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
                      the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
                      the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
                      [this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
                      but it's still funny]
----

   getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise
   precision.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
                          work dealing with cruise missles
----

   I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
   have had a difficult time.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
                          an Ohio steel plant,1988
----

   [I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
   Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate
----

   Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
   I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
   situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
   conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
   that answer your question?
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
                          would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
----

   Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
   my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
   handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports of
                          his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
----

   I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
   country.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
   tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
   family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
----

   We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
   happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
----

   We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
   world.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle
----

   This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
   United States!
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
----

           Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
   the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
   definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
   mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
   family, but that is a family and family values.
           I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
   family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
   a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
   believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
   our platform, is to talk about it.
           I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
   want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
   family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
   children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
   have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
   civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
   And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
   Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
   means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
   that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
                   -- Vice President Dan Quayle

===------ 
NorAazizam MohdAAsif	 
The white man made many promises to us but they never kept but one; they
promised to take our land and they took it.
                                                        Red Cloud
Newsgroups: soc.culture.asean