From: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: birthdays
Date: 8 Jan 1993 17:30:25 +1030
Organization: PAX - Public Access Unix (Adelaide,South Australia) - Anonymous Service
Reply-To: anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au
NNTP-Posting-Host: flash.pax.tpa.com.au


Suzanne asked about birthdays.  And no, those aren't dumb questions.

When I was little my mom would arrange for a birthday party and she would
invite my relatives & kids from school -- I don't remember much about
most of them except that I was often really miserable & didn't like the
party and felt like I *supposed* to behave a certain way and *supposed* to
be happy but I wasn't & so there must be something wrong with me.  I felt
like that about other holidays too, like Christmas.

I've been slowly learning to get away from the *supposed to*s.  Like my 
friends and I say to each other -- if we say 'I should do...." then we 
need to think about it -- should's aren't useful.  Instead think about
what I *want* to do.

I like sort of celebrating my birthdays -- I have a friend whose birthday
is the day before mine and we used to get together, but now we call each
other around midnight -- betwenn her birthday and mince -- and open the
presents that we had previously mailed to each other.  

Last year one or two good friends gave me presents & I gave myself a treat --
I love dressing up, so I put on my 'fairy princess dress' -- it is long, pink,
lacy & very frivolous & I wore that all day -- I wore it to work & all day
peoples asked me why I was so dressed up & I said 'It's my birthday' and so
lots and lots of people wished me a happy birthday.  Then I took myself out
to a movie, still in the long fancy dress.  It was fun.

I wanted to speak to Suzanne a little -- the thing about trying to find out 
what is "right" and doing that.  It is something I have tried to do a lot in
my life, I have usually felt as though I was involved in some sort of game and
I didn't know the rules but felt embarrased to ask -- I feel like I don't know
how to be social (I learned for a while in high school, but it was all based
around flirting & seductive behavoir & that isn't safe for me anymore).

I am finally starting to realize that there really *aren't* as many rules
as I always thought there were.  And that when people have often told me to 
just "be myself," that they really meant it.

Because since in the past few years I have started ignoring "the rules" a 
lot, and doing what I feel like -- like wearing formal dresses to go out to
eat at Mc.Donalds.  Or going to school and work barefoot for two days, just
to see what it feels like -- beignpublically affectionate with close female
friends in public and not caring (or finding it amusing) that peoples assume
we are "a couple" (I'm female bi the way)

shaving my head but continuting to wear long skirts -- fancy clothes,
earring & hairy armpits.  I confuse peoples a lot, but I am trying to find 
what I like to do for myself.  And I've had a lot of people tell me that 
they really respect me for that, and a lot of people *like* me.  it's kind
of weird.

But then when I think about the people that I have always liked, especially
the ones that I liked but was too shy to get to know because I thought they
had it all together, were "cool", knew all the rules -- they were mostly
just doing what they wanted to to.

I try not to get angry at myself for not reading the "Right" books, but read
what I like (which happens to be good/bad/and mediocre science fiction/fantasy
about women, trashy lesbian romance novels & general novels about women --
I don't try to read the stuff that I always thought people "should" read 
anymore.

And I have been discovering that those mysterious "rules" that everyone else
knew, but I didn't -- that a lot of other people don't know them either
and they get by just fine....

sorry -- that didn't really end up being about birthdays

-us peoples
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
anon.30@pax.tpa.com.au    (prefered address)

an1308@anon.penet.fi
anon-1410@twwells.com


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