From: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Subject: About my penis . . .
Reply-To: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Organization: Ministry of Silly Walks
Date: Sat, 10 Oct 1992 18:38:13 GMT

  As requested, here is the passage from DNA.  I included a little before and
after 'cause I thought the whole bit was funny personally.

Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiles a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head close to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head . . . closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well what about other optical effects like split
        screen, slow motion, quantel?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them?  Just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well now, that's
        fine, that's great.  No, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid the right nipple nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up short wave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I
        can't seem to pick up jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that Kryten.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have discovered what I believe to be the
        recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't
        appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have
        to use some kind of special adapter, because, no matter what I
        do, the lead keeps falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat, we sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject.  Not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in
        polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out man.
Kryten: Well, I wanted to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone streight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we talk about our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What?  Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Wuhw, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous.  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said `Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last chicken in the shop look'?  Shakespear had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular sir.  I was just idlely flicking
        through an electrical appliance catalog.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuume cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see man, you're neither one nor the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuume cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favor man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sadack mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a jopke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks under own hospital gown]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff, my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Enter lister]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is decline politely.

  If you made it this far, there are just a few things I'd like to point out.  I
have no idea what quantel is, so please let me know if you do.  Secondly I am
not confident on the number of "huh"s when Kryten laughs.  A small point, but
I'm a nit-picker.

  The most important though: a majopr problem I hadn't noticed the first time
through.  Lister says he is an "enlightened twenty-third century guy".  Which
implies the accident occurred during the 23rd century.  But in stasis leak, the
clock in the shower room said 2077 (now that I think about it, that may have
been the time, who makes clocks that tell you the year?).  What year was the
accident, or are there several conflicting dates?

 |  __L__   *******************************
-|-  ___    * Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub   *
 |  | o |   * kv07@iastate.edu            *
 |/ `---'   * Iowa State University       *
/|   ___    * Math Department             *
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