From: julie@cucbs.chem.columbia.edu (Julie Wright)
Subject: Re: Meeting women in clubs
Organization: The Cultural Elite
	<1993Jan5.175137.2462@cbnewsd.cb.att.com>
	<thurlow.726383185@convex.convex.com>
	<1993Jan7.144828.10753@cbnewsd.cb.att.com>
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1993 19:25:18 GMT

nance@cbnewsd.cb.att.com (nancy.l.colucci) writes:

>In article <thurlow.726383185@convex.convex.com> thurlow@convex.com (Robert Thurlow) writes:
>>In <1993Jan5.175137.2462@cbnewsd.cb.att.com> nance@cbnewsd.cb.att.com (nancy.l.colucci) writes:

>>>Or consider this.  Is there a possibility that maybe she's not out tonight
>>>to "meet someone", but is out with some friends maybe celebrating a
>>>birthday or promotion or reunion with some college friends and is having
>>>the time of her life?  Why bother her?
>>Sorry, but if I let myself judge whether or not she wants to be bothered,
>>I'll never make an effort at all.  It's her job to decide whether she
>>is open to meeting me.  I will be polite when I approach, and I will go
>>away nicely when asked, though.

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me, although I do sort of wish some
men (not meaning to include you, Rob) would not put me in a position where
I _have_ to ask after throwing out a variety of not-so-subtle clues that
I'm not very interested in talking to them.  It annoys the hell out of me
when I feel like people are _forcing_ me to be rude.  (Then again, it makes
it _so_ much easier.  :) )  It is true that there are a lot of men who
act like the ones Nance met -- they act like women _owe_ it to them to
talk extensively to them, which I don't understand.  They're probably the 
same ones who feel free to comment on women in the street.  

>Different people treat the bar scene in different ways.  Some people see them
>as places to go to get together with friends, and others see them as places
>to hang out looking for that special someone (Ms. Right, Mr. Right Now, etc.).
>I think logic tells us that you're most likely to meet people who are open
>to meeting you.  Why waste time on anyone else?

>If you go into a bar hoping to meet someone, I'll bet there is SOMEONE there
>who wants to meet you, and that person is fairly easy to find.  Just look
>around for the one who makes eye contact and smiles.

I disagree, sort of.  When I go to bars, I usually go with my friends and
have better things to do than to stand there trying to catch people's eyes
(usually, anyway :) ), but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested in
talking to anyone else, if they had something interesting to say.  I've 
found that that's often true of other people, though I've never picked
anyone up in a bar -- I've often started conversations with strangers
for the same reasons I would at a party, and I can't remember anyone 
minding.  I'd agree with Rob that you may as well try, though you have
an obligation to be polite about it and not impose on them if they don't
want to talk to you.  I think the men you (Nance) met were rude not in
coming over to talk to you, but in acting like _you_ were rude if you
didn't want to talk to them right then.

>What?  You mean those aren't the ones you're attracted to??  Ah, then
>hereinforth might lie the problem.  Anyone who feels that way might do well
>to leave their high horse in the stable.

Hmm, we're back to criteria...  Personally, I'd be more interested in 
someone who struck up a conversation with me because they had something
to say than in someone who seemed to be desperately scouring the room for
any available female.  The latter type would certainly be more "available",
but I'd have reason to doubt they were interested in ME for myself.

On the other hand, the high horse probably WOULD meet someone more 
suitable if it were left in the stable.  :)

---Julie
-- 
| "Come here, I want to show you something," he murmured...  "This is     |
| our baby; I had it yesterday," he said.  "My," I said hoarsely, "you're |
| full of surprises," and fell forward into his arms, arms, arms.         |
|             --- from "Sylvia", by Nicole Hollander                      |
Newsgroups: soc.singles