From: anonymus+2771@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu (Empty and Aching)
Subject: Re: does anybody want ME?
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 21:01:54 GMT


In article <BxLt4p.CMz@twwells.com> anon-1016@twwells.com (Prisoner)
writes:

	[ a lot of anger -- read the original ]


    I don't know about anyone else, but I am glad to see you posting
    again.  I was beginning to worry.

    I won't claim that I know how much rage you feel, mostly because I
    hate it when other people claim they know how I feel.  (Sometimes
    someone in my therapy group says "I feel your pain" -- I feel like
    giving them some pain to feel!)  But I know how I feel when I feel
    rage.  It makes me feel all twisted up inside.  And, when the
    attack is over, scared -- of myself, of what I might do to myself.
    Who is this monster, and where did he come from?  (My rage is sort
    of free-floating -- I can't connect it with whatever its source
    is.)

    And I don't mind if you "whine" and "sulk" -- it makes me feel like
    I am not the only one who wants to whine and sulk and generally be
    no prize to be around.

    And, yes, I believe you when you say "if you met me in person you'd
    have no idea of this stuff" -- I spend a lot of time faking, too.
    (Not that I intend to get competitive about it.)

> Is any of this getting through?
 
    Yes, I think so.



    As for your question:

> Shit. I started with "does anybody want me". Thinking not, I hurt.
>                                     ...  Is there anyone who will
> want me, as I am, hate, rage, self-pity, perversions and all?
> None and I know it. Yes, I understand the reality: everyone has
> their own shit to deal with and mine is much too much for anyone
> to deal with.
>
> Including me.

    This is a hard one.  For one thing, I have a hard time myself
    believing that anyone would accept the "real me".  Maybe because I
    have a hard time accepting/wanting myself, "as I am, hate, rage,
    self-pity, perversions and all."  And so I would have a hard time
    saying to you, "yes, I want you, as you are, hate,..., and all."
    For fear that it would be more than I could cope with -- if I can't
    cope with *me*, how would I cope with someone else?  Who needs even
    more than I?  (So I imagine it.)

    Yet, I would be willing to listen.  Is that worth anything?  I have
    already listened, i.e., have read your previous posts.  I know you
    are not only very angry, but distrustful.  You implied that you
    have had your trust betrayed, not only by your family, but by those
    in society that are charged with helping people -- the police,
    "mental health" professionals, (and others, I assume.)  That you
    grew up being constantly manipulated (and expoited?), to the point
    that it is (was?) hard for you to imagine any other way of relating
    than the manipulating/-ed mode.

    I would certainly be willing to listen to your story, to the things
    that happened, as you feel safe telling them.  Perhaps it would
    help make the "hate, rage, self-pity, perversions and all" seem
    more comprehensible.  And perhaps it will make me less afraid that
    I could not cope with you.  "Tout comprendre est tout pardonner",
    "to understand all is to forgive all," or at least to not be
    frightened away by it.

    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .

    As part of my "truth in posting" policy, I will also admit that
    I have a stake in this.  I find that the more I hear other people's
    stories, reactions, etc., the more I learn about myself.  I am
    quite cut off from my past, especially the feelings, other than
    an impression of confusion and maybe despair, but sometimes
    someone else's story will trigger a feeling, a connection, and
    I will feel a little more in touch with myself.  And in this
    case, to the extent that Prisoner can find his way out of the
    maze he is trapped in, I feel, perhaps I can, too.


Empty & Aching.  <anonymus+2771@godiva.nectar.cs.cmu.edu>
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