From: thurlow@convex.com (Robert Thurlow)
Subject: Re: Various ramblings...
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1992 13:19:42 GMT
Organization: Engineering, CONVEX Computer Corp., Richardson, Tx., USA
X-Disclaimer: This message was written by a user at CONVEX Computer
              Corp. The opinions expressed are those of the user and
              not necessarily those of CONVEX.

In <1992Aug14.231331.4309@menudo.uh.edu> kevin@nuchat.sccsi.com (Kevin Brown) writes:

>My concern for correctness is so prevalent that you might say it defines
>who I am.  I believe very strongly that one cannot be happy for very long
>living a lie, that knowing exactly how the real world works and where you
>stand with respect to it is mandatory if you're to get anywhere in it.

"Correctness"?  You sound more like you're talking about "precision".
You're right about living a lie not working, but what that means to
me is that I will try hard to be honest, not bullshit myself about
what my strengths and weaknesses are, and be who I am rather than a
fabrication.  If you even think any of us know "exactly" how the real
world works, you have made a serious mistake.  None of us will ever
get to exact, and it's no wonder you're hurting if you believe you
can do that.

>It is a lesson that has been pounded into me through many years of hard
>experience.  When I forget it and try to do something without knowing
>what I'm doing, the real world invariably teaches me the lesson again,
>often in painful ways.  Approaching a woman I find attractive without
>knowing what I'm doing is an excellent way of getting the lesson again.

I think you need to redefine success here.  Success maybe needs to mean,
"hey, that wasn't so bad; her "no" didn't hurt, maybe because I didn't
get so worked up before I asked her."  If success is The Whole Enchilada,
you're going to beat the shit out of yourself every time you don't hit
perfect.  That's going to kill you.  You can reduce pain by reducing
the number of things that cause you pain, or by reducing the pain of
each incident, and I really think you need to lean harder on the latter
approach.  A rejection doesn't mean you'll be alone forever, but I know
I used to let myself think along those lines.

>At least I haven't gotten myself killed yet.

It sounds like you may get there by your own hand if you don't change
a few directions and ways of thinking.  You worry me, Kevin.

>I can't get things right unless I do the right things, and I can't do the
>right things unless I know what I'm doing, and that means I have to be
>*correct*.

Successful people take risks, because they know failure is a good
teacher, and because they know that they are basically going to be
able to deal with the failure.  And someday, one of those attempts
is going to succeed.  But the failure has to not make you think you're
going to lose forever.

I used to punish myself every time I made a mistake, because I should
have known better.  There is nothing worse than making things a factor
of ten or more worse than they have to be with this behaviour.  Now,
I'm much kinder to myself, much more able to look at my actions and
say, "yeah, from where I was, that felt like the right thing to do,
I wish it hadn't gone that way."  Specifically, self-destructive stuff
like "I'm so damned stupid" and "I'll never get what I want" and "I'm
just broken" was incredibly damaging, and I had to stop it.

>I was born with learning disabilities.  In particular, I had serious
>pattern-matching deficiencies of all kinds, from sound patterns to
>visual patterns.

I have a lot of compassion for your difficulties, because I think
you are facing some things that we can't understand.  But you are
really doing a lot of damaging things to the most important person
in your life, and I think you need to work very hard on trying to
change that.

The first place I think you have to start is to try to find some joy,
something you can live for.  Right now, you focus an incredible
amount of attention on how horrible it is to be alone.  But life has
a lot more to it than that.  What's kept me afloat through the hard
times was the fact that I was determined to not lose the chance to
see another sunrise, because they're all different, and all magic.
I also get to hear music that I love, climb mountains every once in
awhile, and watch my cat dissolve in pleasure as I rub her belly.
That stuff doesn't get less wonderful without a partner unless you
want it to be.

People are not predominantly cruel.  People do not predominantly reject
those who are "different" out of hand.  People are not unworthy of trust.

>You already know that my interests are all male-dominated (computers,
>science, fast cars, aviation, technology in general, etc.).  About the
>only ones that arent't is my interest in cats, but there's little to talk
>about there, and my interest in music (jazz in particular), which also
>yields little to actually talk about.

What a paragraph!  You haven't met some of my friends if you think
that there isn't much to talk about with respect to cats.  They can
talk for a long time about cat care, cat behaviour, cats they've met,
and so on.  And music is the same way - it's possible to talk about
music for hours with me (music was the main focus of a small party
I had here one night last week).  I can understand it if you can't
talk about these things for hours yet, but it's potentially there.

Going another step, I've been very intrigued by the fact that anything
I do at work becomes interesting once I know enough about it and I'm
good enough at it.  There are enough things that interest me outside
work that I haven't needed to use this advice for awhile, but I think
you can "grow" other interests if you don't automatically write them
off.  I also think one of the best ways to keep a conversation rolling
is to talk to someone else about what they love and _why_ they love
it.  If nothing else, this will make you understand something a little
better the next time you get a chance to talk about it.

In summary, I think you need to start using that capacious logical
mind to figure out how to hurt yourself less, and to figure out how
to love something enough to want to be fully alive.  Once you aren't
desperate, you may be able to find more energy and creativity to
come up with your own ideas to better your situation.

Rob T
--
Rob Thurlow, thurlow@convex.com
The sun is gonna shine again / We're gonna make it 'round that bend
I'll walk another mile with you, 'cause you're my friend
The sun is gonna shine again.			- Graham Parker
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