From: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: ansering machine  6/7
Date: 21 Aug 92 22:12:14 EST
Reply-To: "ron kulick" <ron.kulick@execnet.com>
Distribution: rec
Organization: Executive Networks Information

>>> Continued from previous message
        "I'm writing the definitive work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity."

108
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer.  It's set up as a dialog between two distinct, but
recognizably artificial voices.  I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like, you can leave
   your name and telephone number...

2> ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!

1> Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
   hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
   get back.

2> ...unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!

109
I taped the operator saying "we're sorry.  The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."

109
 From Halloween this year:

        (Ominous electronic background music.)

        Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
        an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
        unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
        SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

110

        (French monologue in the background)

        Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
        a first or second language. But with your continued support
        and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
        a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
        tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

111

        Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
        talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
        leave your credit card number at the tone...

112

        Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
        drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
        you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
        and thank you for your pledge.

113

(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
        voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
        later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to
        use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
        and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
        consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
        will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
        benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
        payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
        Thank you."  (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

114
Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone.  Craig's at home now, so you can try
calling him there or leave a message after the beep.

Caller's message:  Hmmm.  Car phone!?!  I'll call back later when your out.

                                                 -Koris Goudonov
115

Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind.
The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.

One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was
hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other
without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying.
The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:

[PHONE] *RING*

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message.
BEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please
speak plainly.  I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it.
First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought

it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222.
Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------  BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[
>>> Continued to next message
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