From: dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu (Douglas Fowler)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: SCOLDING children.
Date: 1 Sep 1992 23:15:19 GMT
Organization: A poorly-installed InterNetNews site
NNTP-Posting-Host: slc12.ins.cwru.edu


In a previous article, obrien@sparc28.hri.com (Jim Obrien) says:

>[......]
>The young girl has never had a man scolding her before, nor has
>she been on a long traveling type vacation before. So we all
>had a lot of patience, and put up with a lot more that we normally
>would.

>After about 3 days, (30% time traveling) the 2 year old seemed to
>be reacting to my loud voise. When I said QUIET, or NO, she would
>listen when I raised my voise. After 5 days, all I had to do was
>look at her fast with a stern look on my face, and see would quiet
>right down. I remember my father doing a simular thing and it seemed
>to work, and I think I turned out ok. If I didn't get any results from
>this after a few days, I guess I would have either ignored her, or
>turn around and gone home.

     What a shame, you have to be thrown into it in the middle of the
Terrible Twos! :-)  Seriously, good work on your patience - and your
girlfriend's.  You recognized that this was an extra long ride, and you
allowed even more screaming than you were used to.  I think her girl
may have been testing you, since this was so new.  She wanted to see
how your presence would effect how her Mommy acted.  Now, your queries:

>   o   Is Controlled yelling OK ?

     It's always best to explain things first; this may be hard at first,
but eventually kids get the idea that Daddy (or Mommy) is doing what's
best for them.  If that doesn't work, a short, firmly yelled order (what
you call "controlled yelling") or a mean stare may need to be used.
     So here, what you might do when she wants out of her carseat:  "You
have to stay in there because we love you very much, and we want you
to be safe.  You won't be safe outside your carseat, and could get hurt
very badly if we get in a wreck." (If you can say this in even fewer words,
do so; the shorter, the better at any age.)

>    o   Is a slap on the wrist OK ?
     I believe it's not needed, and that it is not OK for most things.  If you
must, only use it for the very dangerous things and follow with a short
explanation. (Girl tries to stick her finger in fan.  You slap her hand and
say 'No, that's very dangerous, you would get hurt and cry a lot, and end
up in the hospital.') It's okay to scare them a little with the consequences
if that scaring is surrounded by love.
     The reason you don't want to do it too often is because the shock
is very great, but will be too minimized by constant slapping.  Save it
for the dangerous stuff.  And, you don't even have to do it then, though
if you explain it right eventually they get the idea that what they did
could have hurt them *very* much.

>    o   Is ignoring the child OK ?
     It's the *best* way to eliminate whining and tantrums.  Of course,
they need to see you have limits, too; perhaps if you're at home you could
have a rule saying a "bad mood" like that gets sent to it's room, and the
person can come down at any time, but without the mood.  It's tougher in
the car, I admit.  Sure, it's OK, if you can do it.

>    o   Should the man seem like the bad guy ?
     Not totally, you don't want to make her feel like she can get away with
more just because only Mommy is around.  You should both take an active
part in discipline.  While I have no kids, my aunt and uncle have 5, and they
both use the "mean look" very effectively.  You also have to both take an
active part in the love - if you stand her in the corner or shut her in her
room for a few minutes for something wrong she's done, also tell her you
love her before, and then give lots of hugs and whatever else is needed
afterwards to make sure she understands it's the *behavior*, not her
you're punishing.

>      I would like to do the right thing for the little girl and for
>my girlfriend. She has been raising her alone, and we both would
>like to see her turn out respecting others, and emotionally stable.
     I'd say you're well on the way to succeeding in your goals, as you have
the desired patience, love, and understanding.  It's important that you show
it, of course.  As long as you're showing her respect, she'll learn.
     Only one other thing to make life easier - offer choices.  If you let her
control parts of her own life instead of just scolding her for doing the
wrong things, it'll make things a lot easier on all of you.  If it's cold and
she must wear more clothing, for example, don't "force" her into a jacket, but
say:  "It's too cold, and we don't want you to get sick.  Would you like to
wear a sweater or a jacket."  You'll often have to choose for her at first,
but soon she'll get the idea that she needs to take one of your choices
rather than refuse both, try to go out without either, and get a mean
stare or be yelled at.
-- 
Doug Fowler: dxf12@po.CWRU.edu      :    "Every baby born into the world is
Real home: Canton, Ohio             :  finer than the last."--Charles Dickens
 Trying to follow in the path of our :     "A baby is an inestimable
Lord;anything close will be a success:  blessing and bother."--Mark Twain