From: sallyb@qiclab.scn.rain.com (Sally Bowley)
Subject: Re: Holidays: Solstice & Xmas
Organization: SCN Research/Qic Laboratories of Tigard, Oregon.
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 07:51:49 GMT

In article <1519600006@igc.apc.org> Jean Riseman <agape@igc.apc.org> writes:
>
>Holidays....IHi folks:

hello there jeannie. and hello to all - it's been a long time since i
posted, but i've still b. 

>I am feeling a deep despair & lack of purpose in life.
>Simply surviving is not goal enopugh, and I cannot think of any
>reason to live that would redeem my past.

i am so sorry that you are feeling this way, and particularly as a
result of ritual abuse. i understand when you say that simply
surviving is not enough of a 'carrot', or incentive to keep going
emotionally. there must be more of a reward for coming this far - but
what is it? it helps to have it in sight as it offers the light ahead
at the end of the tunnel, and reflects back upon the darkness from
which you've come. what form that light takes depends very much on the
form of one's abuse, i think. you have made the very strong and i
feel, empowering, statement that you are a survivor; now you are   
asking what being that survivior means. will it be worth going through
the darkness for? at the moment it appears you don't think so, because
nothing that may happen in the future can change what has happened to
you in the past. but how you deal with what has happened to you may be
the means to provide you with the purpose you need and the reason to
live that eludes you. i try not to live for my past - by this, i mean
my reason for living is for what's to come, not what's been. *nothing*
that will happen to you will ever excuse the abuse you suffered - it
cannot be redeemed. but if you can take just one small step from that
space where that abuse has put you, then you may be able to move into
that space where you feel it *is* worth being a survivor. it's in this
place that the many reasons that make living worthwhile are seen.

for example, you say you are feeling this way because of the Solstice
and Christmas and what these events signify for you as a result of
the ritual abuse. understandably. i don't know what your abuse
involved; i know very little about riual abuse, and i offer this
suggestion based on something that's worked for me - feel free to
discard it or not :-).  (actually a couple of other posters have
mentioned ritual abuse; if anyone feels able to enlighten me on the
subject, i would be very grateful. see reason further on in my post).

>To anybody who is feeling similar things: I hope and wish that you
>do not act on yourn feelings. M<y experience is that it will lift
>Was it programming or a natural reaction to the ritual?l about the
>may be able to figure out what they did to instill these feelings in me.
>Was it programming, or simply a natural reaction to the ritual?

i think both - a reaction to a ritual that was programmed into you.
you're no longer taking part in the ritual, but you still are being
affected by it. ie, you're feeling very badly at a time associated
with the ritual/abuse. my suggestion is that you move from that space
by changing how you feel about the root cause of these feelings. in
this situation, the winter solstice. if you can change the way you
feel about the solstice in your life *today*, then that space filled
with darkness labelled 'solstices of the past' will not disappear, but
it may become a little lighter in there. the past is not redeemed, the
the present and future do become worth living for. knowing that you
will NEVER have to spend another *insert particular occasion* in that
way is often my personal carrot. knowing that i *am* in charge of my
life *now* provides me with all sorts of reasons to live other than
simply survive. one way that may help you to look at the solstice
differently, is to hear about it from another perspective, in this
case the hearing will be electronically! i celebrate the solstice in
the way my celtic ancestors did, in what i feel is the true spirit of
the solstice; seeing it as a return from the darkness to the light,
both emotionally and actually. it's the longest night of the year with
the shortest amount of daylight hours, but it signals that from this
day onward, the sun will begin to rise earlier and the light and sun
will return. many old traditions hold that this was the moment of the
"birth" of the sun; a wonderful time of the year for rejoicing and
gift giving. as a brit, one of the most beloved english tradition for
christmas day, is serving a christmas pudding and "flaming" it with
brandy - symbolizing the sun's birth. as i said, i don't know how this
time was portrayed to you - obviously very dtly than to me. and i'm
not suggesting that making a christmas pud will change it all for you.
but maybe seeing the solstice in a different light - no pun intended -
may help you move a small step from your darkness.

finally, the reason that i asked for information about ritual abuse,
is that celebrating the solstices and equinoxes and so on, are very
much a gentle and joyous part of my life, particularly in respect to
my herb garden which has been a major friend during my fight for
survival, and my biological cycles which have been the cause of many a
downward spiral. i am interested to know how this has been misused by
others; ie. ritual abusers. are there any books that would help me?

good luck to you jeannie and i hope that your tolerable days turn into
special days.
sally

>Maybe some day we will know and understand better,
>
>Have a tolerable day, Jeannie
>