From: inanna@acca.nmsu.edu (Inanna)
Subject: Re: kids 'n' poly
Organization: Arachnean Enterprises
Distribution: usa
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 06:33:20 GMT

 jrussell@well.sf.ca.us (Jerry Russell) writes:

>In a recent article "Kids 'n' Poly", Zen@death.sun.com writes:
>
>>> I heard someone's six year old voice their concern about
>>> their parents breaking up -- they didn't want their parents to get
>>> divorced; apparently society had gotten their mono-hooks into them quite
>>> early... *sigh*...
>
>Our daughter is pretty concerned about divorce.  She's
>been in preschool since she was three, and has always had many
>friends from broken families.  It's very touching to see how badly
>she wants to keep both of us--I feel that my partner and I have at
>least one purpose in life, to love & care for our daughter as she needs
>and deserves.  We try to reassure her often.   It's true that
>our daughter has absorbed the monogamous ideal.  It comes from
>fairy tales, weddings,  Barbie dolls and TV shows; and seeing us
>defy it is anxiety-provoking to her.  I don't know what to do except
>be patient and hope she eventually becomes more accepting.

We have two children, a son who's nearly four and a baby daughter. 
My son hasn't been  in daycare or preschool, so he doesn't have 
a lot of exposure to other children. However, he does watch a fair
amount of Public Television. From it, he's recently picked up an
emphasis on families. He does a lot of pointing out our roles, 
and pointing out how other families he knows (relatives, mostly)
have the same roles. This is the closest right now that he's 
gotten to thinking a lot about "traditional" values. On the other 
hand, although we've had a live-in co-SO before, it's been a 
year now; he doesn't seem to think much about that anymore. 

>>> this is alt.polyamory, not alt.poly.pedophile...
>
>Until our daughter was three she was still breastfeeding and she slept
>in our bed.  Now she mostly sleeps in her own room but she visits
>us in our bed from time to time.  She knows what her mom & dad
>look like without their clothes on, and she gets plenty of hugs and
>kisses.    I imagine some people might think this is close to
>pedophilia, but we don't think so.  The things we *won't* do
>are (1) any contact with her genitals, or any
>other behaviors that might arouse her;  (2) any use of her body to
>arouse us, and (3) anything non-consensual  (sometimes she
>appreciates a hug, sometimes she doesn't.)

If anything, we've been a bit more free with nudity than you all
have. Our son is used to us being nude; he does it himself, on
occasion. The only problem we've had is that like most children, 
he enjoys touching his own genitals from time to time. We've had 
to start saying "If you want to do that, please do it in your
own room." We've compared touching oneself to other activities
(like cooking and bathing) that are okay to do but are normally
done in specific areas of the house. 

I think of your three guidelines, the one that we've found causes
the most problems is (3). *We* don't force affection on our children;
their grandparents and relatives have had problems understanding that.
They're quite put off when our son politely declines hugs or kisses
when he's not in the mood. 

>There is a lot of Freudian theory about primal scenes, Oedipal and
>Electra complexes and so forth, with the suggestion that any sexual
>knowledge is very dangerous to kids.  I know that may people raise their
>kids completely ignorant of the subject.  Lots of kids are in cribs in
>separate bedrooms starting when they're a month old.   To me this
>approach would seem unnecessarily cold and lonely for the child.
>I hope we're doing the right thing by letting our little girl understand so
>much at such a young age.

Actually, there are even recent studies suggesting that in cases 
where infants have a predispostion to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death
Syndrome) -- a severe form of sleep apnea -- that having the baby
in the same room with the mother muchly reduced the risk rate. 
Mothers seemed to be "tuned" the babies in some way.         

Our son has had bouts of wanting to sleep in our bed exclusively. 
He still often wakes up and comes to get in bed with us, but we've
had to start slipping him back into his bed. Our policy has been
that when he started to infringe upon our ah, romantic life, it
was time to cut back on his sleeping in our room. 

> We've met several kids of poly* parents,
>both in communal situations and in typical suburban settings.
>At all ages, they seem to know exactly what's going on.  It's hard
>to judge based on relatively brief acquaintances, but they seem
>to be very well-adjusted and accepting of their parents.

We feel that the honesty in our relationship should extent to 
every member of our household. I hope that we'll be able to 
imbue our children with self-confidence and accepting, honest
values. 


-- 
                           Inanna/Leigh Ann
                         inanna@acca.NMSU.edu
                          Truth is the Dare.
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory