From: murphyg@Software.Mitel.COM (Gary Murphy)
Newsgroups: alt.support
Subject: Constructive Living (Re: Loss and how to adjust)
Date: 23 Jul 92 13:43:54 GMT
	<1992Jul20.150434.18199@genie.slhs.udel.edu>
	<1992Jul21.191115.12686@rchland.ibm.com>
Organization: Applications Software II, MITEL Corporation, Kanata, Ontario,
	Canada
In-reply-to: pooder@rchland.vnet.ibm.com's message of 21 Jul 92 19:11:15 GMT
ReplyTo: garym@maya.isis.org

In article <1992Jul21.191115.12686@rchland.ibm.com> pooder@rchland.vnet.ibm.com (Don Fearn) writes:

   This looks like a good place to find some suggestions of how to get on with
   my life after having an almost unbearable loss.  I hope it is.

Don,

I'd like to say I sympathize, but my troubles are so slight by
comparison.  I will say you amaze me, as looking at myself after only a
year of being without my love only in spirit (her body is fine, alive
and well, living upstairs, recovering from psychotherapy --- she doesn't
really remember me, thinks of her old abusive husband as a dear,
misunderstood artist, her fraudulent ex-therapist as a persecuted
genius, her current therapist-now-fortune-teller as her dearest friend,
and her children and myself as an inconvenient reminder that Something
Is Wrong With This Picture :-(.  I stay because there is a chance she
may someday wake up and see us, and thanks to Dr. Morita Shoma, this is
beginning at last to happen.

Morita wrote, way back in 1915 or so, "Stop trying to cure yourself!",
he wrote, "If you strike at a wave with a hammer, it just breaks into a
thousand waves."  His teachings, and the companion Naikan methods, under
the very kind and patient tutelage of the Venerable Joan Shikai Woodward
have helped me greatly since Dr. Reynolds referred me to her last
February, calling her a "solid resource"; I was amazed enough an
accomplished author would even respond to my plea, and more than amazed
to find a teacher within easy biking distance.

Don, and others who are like us swept away, I offer this as all I have
to give you; it is not much and certainly not very fancy, or expensive,
or flashy.  It is plain, old-hat, mundane.  Nothing special.  It helped
me greatly, and I hope it will help in your troubles.  At the end of
this message, I will append my 'standard blurb', prepared because of the
astounding frequency with which I have been asked for this information,
but please do not take this as a sign I do not think this particular
request is only worthy of a form-letter response --- it is just my own
convenience, and it suits the purpose.  If you have questions, you can
reach me at this address, or more preferrably through my home-email at
garym@maya.isis.org

How you feel is fine.  The guilt is ok, even though logically you and I
both know you could have as easily been hit by space junk, attacked by
bears, or a thousand other Instant Deaths.  We both know
self-examination will not bring anyone back, but your brain still holds
that feeling; this is what brains do --- there is nothing wrong with
that..  What does matter is what we do, as Kipling wrote, "The wisdom to
know the difference".

You have control over what you do.  You can be there, for your family,
your friends, this new woman, you can help in your neighbourhood, you
can have respect for your surroundings, you can remember and honour the
memory of your fiancee, you can cry, you can miss her, you can do
anything while feeling any way.  You will be remembered for what you do,
and you can start building that history of deeds this very moment.
Nothing is guaranteed, not even your next breath, but we can strive on.

Take that new job, and spend $10 on one of the books in my list (or, do
what I did, since I had to go on welfare after the costs of my wife's
therapy, and get it from the library) --- Reynolds writes his popular
works in a very light, very direct style, like Japanese poetry, very
concise.  If at all possible, contact the ToDo Institute to recommend a
teacher in your area; they are typically very flexible with fees as
helping is one of their highest purposes (I paid Joan $2 per month for
several months; she insisted I pay anything to put our relationship in
perspective) --- I found many details I had thought I had understood
were easily corrected with a living teacher (my interpretation of
"specific, concrete examples" was not specific enough)

   I spent most of this morning in the men's room crying because of a letter I 
   saw posted on the misc.kids newsgroup.  Any ideas on how to go on?  It won't
   stay this hard, will it?  I can't keep on much longer if it does.

I spent last night alone with a case of beer, wondering "why me, why
these kids, why her, when does it stop" --- I don't think the answers to
these questions would be useful anyway.  What is useful is this: we have
a debt to repay --- and it's time to get to work and do what needs to be
done.

   Please suggest anything that may help.  Thanks,
   Pooder  -  Don Fearn   -    Rochester,  MN   
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Quid tibi (est) opiniones aliorum: What do you care what other people think?
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don, if you ever get email-receive working, I would be happy to assist
you directly by email --- I have the opposite trouble of not being able
to follow the news because of the volume, and my home machine can only
handle mail.

Hear now: the dreaded standard blurb ;-) ...

Constructive Living is a fusion of Japanese Morita and Naikan therapies,
originating with Dr. Morita Shoma, a contemporary of Freud, and the Zen
lay-priest Yashimoto. In recent times, this has been imported and
developed for western audiences by Dr. David K. Reynolds.  CL differs
>from our traditional Freudian-Jungian-Gestalt approaches in many key
respects and this is gaining the technique a rapid acceptance across the
western world.  In CL, how you feel is important as a sensation, but
irrelevant to what you _do_ and who you are.  In a nutshell, CL
advocates we (1) accept our feelings (2) know our purpose and (3) do
what needs to be done.

Please excuse my enthusiam: I only offer this information because of
the great trouble I would have avoided had this been common knowledge;
if this is of use to even one person in your life, my purpose will be
achieved.

The following lists all of the related books by Dr. David K. Reynolds
with publisher and date:

Playing Ball on Running Water, Morrow, 1984
Even in Summer the Ice Doesn't Melt, Morrow, 1986
Water Bears No Scars, Morrow, 1987
Constructive Living, Univ. Hawaii Press, 1984
Pools of Lodging for the Moon, Morrow, 1989
A Thousand Waves, Morrow, 1990
The Quiet Therapies, Univ. Hawaii Press, 1980
Thirsty, Swimming in the Lake, Morrow, 1991
Morita Psychotherapy, Univ Calif Press, 1976
Naikan Psychotherapy, Chicago Press, 1983
Flowing Bridges, Quiet Waters, SUNY Press 1989

The first eight books are practical and concrete.  The last three are
more academic. All contain bibliographies that lead to articles by a
variety of authors.  Books and audio tapes are also available from Gregg
Krech, 1908 S. Randolf St. Arlington VA 22204, Tel: (703) 892-6615

Each year Dr. Reynolds and/or selected advanced certified instructors
off training in New York, Washington DC, San Francisco, Cleveland and
elsewhere. Topics include an introduction to Morita and Naikan
instruction, perspectives on personality, theory and practice of these
methods, adaptations for Westerners, fables and maxims as teaching
devices, role playing practice, the use of exercises and assignments,
the merging of Morita and Naikan in Constructive Living and a
comparison of these methods with Western psychotherapies.

If you wish further details on CL training, psychiatric journal
references and other resources, the quarterly newsletter "nothing
special", or the international Bulletin of Morita Therapy, please
contact me via this address or at garym@maya.isis.org.

Good luck in your studies, and please keep doing what needs to be done!



--
Gary Lawrence Murphy - Gary.Murphy@software.mitel.COM - (613) 592-2122 x3709
                    The reality of me is just me.
Newsgroups: alt.support