From: anon-1217@twwells.com (Adam)
Subject: reply to brandywine
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1992 21:04:15 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com



Hi Brandywine

>the shitty part is that I *AM* a responsible person. I always HAVE
>been the "responsible one". I work hard... make the grade... take care
>of things... of people... of myself to a certain extent. not as much
>as I should, perhaps, but I made it thru 22 years... and with the
>history I have... that is INCREDIBLE. I should be proud to be
>BREATHING not having to justify myself to a woman who has had her life
>handed to her on a silver platter. Just who the hell is she to pass
>judgement of my life? what if I do want to go back to sleeping with
>everyone I see? so what? that is my choice... I never asked for her
>approval!!!!! 

Congratulations on being able to bring perspective to this and 
acknowledge you accomplishments, even when you are feeling down.

>but even, with as much as I have told her, she cannot understand. she
>doesn't have the capability to see what I see. she called me weak
>tonight when the truth is, I am being strong. does that make sense?

That makes a lot of sense.  It would be far easier to NOT face the 
pain and attempt to heal it, to just "write if off", as she was
suggesting.  You are strong because you are trying to heal.

What she said sounds very discounting to me.  If she was not in a place
to listen to you, she should have just said so.  

>I can understand just about anything. I can see it and feel what the
>pain must have felt like... the pressure my parents were under... I
>understand... and that scares me too. my little lower-middle-class
>background surrounds me and makes me see that the truth is, life could
>have been much worse... and I am lucky to have good friends and
>a support system.

I can understand much of my (non-sexual) abuse also, but that doesn't
invalidate it, and it doesn't get rid of the pain.  Sometimes the 
understanding seems to get in the way of the feelings for me.

And, having good friends and a support system is not just a matter of luck.
It means that you have put effort into taking care of yourself, and that
you are a good person, and people want to be friends with you.

>this is rambling.. and I am sorry if I am hurting anyone... but it
>hurt so much for her to say that. THEY WERE WRONG. maybe, I should
>drop out of school and leave... just leave...
 
It's not rambling, it's just feelings.  And feelings are always OK.
And, you are not hurting me.  I appreciate your honesty, and learn
from your strength.

>DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND? WILL I ALWAYS BE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS MY
>PAIN?
>
>probably. you can see it and relate to it... but pain isn't something
>most people can really share. all sharing my pain does is cause more
>for you. and I am sorry....

I cannot know your pain, but I can be open to your sharing it.  I read
some place that

	Pain shared is divided.
	Joy shared is multiplied.

I have found this to be true in my life.  It has brought me hope in dark
times.  Thanks for reaching out and letting me be part of the division.

>perhaps I should destroy this, not send it... but I cannot. I reach fo
>ryou all and your ehugs... because I need them. and I hate needing
>anything....
>
>than-you for trying to read this... I know it doesn't make much
>sense... but I sit here stone cold sober wondering why she can't see
>it... and knowing that it wouldn't help much if she did....
>
>-brandywine
 
Lots of E-hugs, and thanks again for not destroying your posting.  

Adam

P.S. Love your sig. quote.

>"And there's not enough room in this world for my pain
> Signals cross, and love gets lost and time past makes it plain
> For all my deamon spirits I need you the most
> I'm in love with your ghost"
>
>-_Ghost
>The Indigo Girls



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