HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: mike@proponent.com (Mike Morton)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "Conventional" anagrams
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 18 Aug 92 07:20:09 GMT

We all know that American political conventions are pretty carefully  
scripted.  To find the deeper meaning, here are some anagrams for  
both "Democratic National Convention" and "Republican National  
Convention".

These are done with my Macintosh application Ars Magna, so they're  
"original" in the sense that I culled them from a much longer list of  
machine-produced drivel -- "O, contradict inconvenient Alamo" and the  
like.

-- Mike Morton  <Mr_Machine_Tool@Proponent.com>

(The Republicans yield much better anagrams; I've listed the Top Ten  
for each, then a longer list for each of arguably lower quality.)


Democratic National Convention
------------------------------

Top ten:

America voted Clinton?  No, I cannot!
Item: Advance Clinton coronation
Clinton nomination: Accord at eve
Clinton: "Act on American devotion"
Control, damn it, conceive a nation
Conceal at contrived nomination
American continent: cold ovation
Viet Nam, Tornado, Cocaine, Clinton
Election condition: Vacant manor
Dominator can't contain violence


Republican National Convention
------------------------------

Top ten:

Puritanical ban on innocent love
Continual privation can ennoble
Can learn potato noun?  Invincible!
Cannot balance virulent opinion
Unconventional noble patrician
Clinton convention: plebian aura
An inconvenient clan, a Politburo
Innocence until naval probation
Plain notion: binuclear covenant
Pollution ban: inane contrivance


Democratic National Convention
------------------------------

Honorable mention:

Clinton contortion; evade maniac
Clinton nomination; vacate credo
Concentration on vital comedian
Clinton: Condemnation to avarice
Clinton vocation: Erotica and men
Covet arcane Clinton admonition
A violent, narcotic condemnation


Republican National Convention
------------------------------

Second tier:

Announce bill veto; nation in crap
Announce vibrant, online capitol
Bonn (noun): (1) capitol; (2) evil incarnate
Uncap cannon; violent liberation
A craven taunt: penicillin no boon
Clinton evaporation; ennui blanc
Ballet, union, nirvana, conception
Burn no inane political covenant
Violence burnt on; national panic
Uncap ban: colonial intervention

Almost as good:

Obtain an epic: "Clinton lover a nun"
Concentration on unlivable pain
Conventional lunatic brain?  Nope!
Valiant concubine; online patron
Continual probation can enliven
Violent cannibal, piano nocturne
Conviction plan: alienate unborn
Blunt an inane conviction, parole
Innocent love-rub; national panic
Avert Clinton; unbalance opinion

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From: pete@ctbilbo.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: It's not easy being a dick
Keywords: heard it, sexual, smirk
Date: 16 Aug 92 23:30:02 GMT

It isn't easy being a dick...

I have a head I can't think with.
I have an eye I can't see with.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
My closest neighbor is an asshole.
My best friend is a pussy.
My owner beats me.
And now because of AIDS I have to wear a rubber suit and puke
all over myself.

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Date: Thu, 13 Aug 92 4:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: anasaz!morris@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Bob Morris)
Subject: difference between hardware and software engineers
Keywords: original, sexual, computer, chuckle

What's the difference between a software engineer and a hardware engineer?

A software engineer burns PROMS; a hardware engineer blows PALS.
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From: cel@tenet.edu (Cliff Lee)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Top 10 uses for My Boyfriends Computer
Keywords: original, chuckle, computer
Date: 21 Aug 92 08:30:04 GMT

This comes from my Girlfriend as she was learning to use Wordperfect:

Top Ten Uses For My Boyfriend's COMPUTER
 
 
10) Good post-it note holder.
 9) Keeps pesky boyfriend out of your hair.
 8) Warm place for the cat to sleep.
 7) Good reason to have an extra bedroom.
 6) Bonding tool for men.
 5) Tossed from an upstairs window, it gets the attention
    of passing pedestrians.
 4) Hey Dave! Steamroll this!
 3) At home shopping!
 2) Typing these stupid top ten lists.
 1) 3 1/2" disks make good drink coasters.

--

Sherri Ribble

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From: jgro@netcom.com (Jeremy G)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: George Bush says he should not be re-elected
Keywords: topical, true, smirk
Date: 19 Aug 92 08:30:04 GMT


A notable recent quote from George Bush:

"Eight years is too long for anyone to go without skills or purpose."


(Actually, the president claimed to be talking about welfare recipients.)

--
Jeremy G
jgro@netcom.com
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From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The ABCs of Unix
Keywords: chuckle, computer
Date: 17 Aug 92 08:30:03 GMT

Duane Bailey and Al Hough wrote this a few years ago; I have made a
few changes.  Watch out for trademarks, etc.

The ABCs of Unix
----------------

A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.

C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.

E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.

G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.

I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.

K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.

M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.

O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.

Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.

S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.

U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.

W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.

Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
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Date: Mon, 17 Aug 92 19:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: marx
Keywords: maybe

So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by
Saint Peter.

"Name?" asks Peter.
"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.
"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"
"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "founder of socialism
and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."
"I see," Peter said.  "I'll have to check with God."

So Peter rushes off to confer with God.  God hears the name Marx
and immediately a look of disgust infects His face.  "Marx?" God
says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker.  Send him down to hell."

So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx
to Satan's firy hell.

Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell.
The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would
revitalize both struggling economies.  But soon after the treaty,
God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products
from Hell.  So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.

"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up?  We have an agreement!"

Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated.  "It's that Marx fellow," Satan
replied.  "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and
labour demands.  Productivity has dropped to zero!"

"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"

"Take him back.  Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity
will sky rocket!"

So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.

Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders
for product from Heaven.  In fact, very little communication at all
has leaked from Up Above.  So, concerned for the economic welfare
of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.

"Peter!  Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.

"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.

"What's the hold up?  What about the flow of trade?"

"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist
isolationist stance.  We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is
now based on the needs of the prolitariate.  It is our opinion that
this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."

"What?!" Satan was furious.  "I demand to speak to God!"

Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion.  "Who?"
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Administrative note:

The recent poem about "Venus" is reportedy a John Valby song, and has
been deleted.
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 92 4:30:03 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject:      Woody Allen
From:  APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Keywords: topical, smirk


Woody Allen's latest movie - "Honey I Screwed the Kids"

  - Rush Limbaugh

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From: shubu@cs.utexas.edu (Shubhendu Sekhar Mukherjee)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: EMACS
Keywords: smirk, computer
Date: 13 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT


Abbreviations of EMACS:-

(Source: V.G.Baliga at the University of Indiana-Bloomington)

EMACS :- Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
EMACS :- Esc Meta Alt Control Shift

--
Shubhendu Sekhar Mukherjee         University of Texas @ Austin, C.Sc.
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From: gardner@hale.ifa.hawaii.edu (Jonathan Gardner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: More political light bulb jokes
Keywords: topical, smirk, original
Date: 15 Aug 92 08:30:03 GMT


Q:   How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?

A:   None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't
     know how.


Q:   How many US Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A:   None, the constitution says that only Congress can change light bulbs,
     so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
     need a Constitutional ammendment.


Q:   How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?

                    swimming
A:   None, fish are          through the       of my conciousness,
	    and                          edges
            I          dark. 
              like the 

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From: loverso@osf.org (John Robert LoVerso)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: USL v. BSDI lawsuit
Keywords: topical, computer, smirk
Date: 18 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT

Given the original BSD/386 ads with the phone number "1-800-ITS-UNIX",
perhaps this all could have been avoided if BSDI had just used a different
long distance carrier?

John LoVerso
OSF Research Institute
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From: toma@romulus.cray.com (Thomas Arneberg)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Jokes from Reagan's speech: Thomas Jefferson
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Aug 92 23:30:04 GMT

Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):

  All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the
  new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas
  Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas
  Jefferson.

Subject: joke from Reagan's speech: inhaling
From: toma@romulus.cray.com (Thomas Arneberg)

Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:

  When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
  ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't
  inhale.
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From: khaight@borland.com (Kyle Haight)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Budget Mess
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 20 Aug 92 08:30:04 GMT

Here's a rather amusing poem my father picked up at San Jose State 
University (original author unknown).  Apologies to Dr. Seuss.

	Pete Wilson & Dr. Seuss

	I will not sign a budget soon
	I will not sign a budget in June.
	I will not sign a budget now.
	I may not sign one anyhow.

	I will not close the budget gap.
	I do not have a budget map.
	Do not throw it in my lap.
	Blame it on a Democrat.

	I do not care how long it takes.
	I do not care what pain it makes.
	I do not mind the chaos now.
	I may not sign it anyhow.

	I could not would not have a plan.
	I would not could not sign their plan.
	I could not would not sign my plan.
	I would not could not Pete I am.

Kyle Haight
khaight@borland.com
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Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 19:30:3 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: The Matrix
From: bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP (Austin Phelps)
Subject: Top 9 list
Keywords: smirk

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
---------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
   to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
   destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
   Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!

>From a User on Eris's Playground BBS (I forgot the name)
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From: mlfidler@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Michael L Fidler Jr)
Subject: Re: Limerick's
Organization: Wanda's house-o-whipS 
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1992 03:13:05 GMT

         or for a minor variation:
	There once was a man named McNash
	Whose balls were constructed of brass.
	When he banged 'em together
	They played "Stormy Weather"
	And lightning shot out of his ass.

AZATHOTH+@OSU.EDU
From: calving@netcom.com (The Lindsay-Geyer Corp)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: POLACK JOKES
Date: 13 Aug 92 10:53:11 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest)

Let's play JEOPARDY with Polack Jokes!!

1.  The answer is:  "They can't get their heads is the jar."

Let's have the correct question.,,

Calvin G.
From: david@c-cat.UUCP (dave)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Standard issue office memo #1
Date: 19 Aug 92 21:23:19 GMT
Organization: Intergalactic Rest Area For Weary Travellers


     To: All Employees

   From: The Management

Subject: NEW PROGRAM TO FACILITATE TERMINATION OF SURPLUSS PERSONNEL

         1. In accordance with company policy of Phasing Out Surplus
            Personnel by the end of the month, the RAPE (Retire All
            Personnel Early) program will go into effect immediately.

         2. Employees who are RAPED will be given an opportunity
            to seek other employment, provided that while they are
            being RAPED, they request a review of their record before
            the discharge takes place. This phase of the operation
            is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
            Workers).

         3. All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also
            appeal for a final review. This is called SHAFT (Study
            by Higher Authority Following Termination).

         4. Present company policy dictates that employees may be
            RAPED and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
            many times as the company dictates.


                                                       -David

China Cat System     
(301)604-5976 8N1
david@sandr.com
From: afallen@lims01.lerc.nasa.gov (E. Allen Arrington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Oxymorons revisited...
Date: 20 Aug 92 13:57:00 GMT
Distribution: na
Organization: 1st Kentucky Cavalry Co. C
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41


I noticed what I thought to be an oxymoron this morning; one of the makeup 
tubes that my wife has sitting on the bathroom sink is labled

clarifying mask
From: mdebidin@crc.ac.uk (Miss M.M. Debidin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: joke
Date: 22 Aug 92 08:22:33 GMT
Reply-To: mdebidin@crc.ac.uk (Miss M.M. Debidin)
Organization: MRC Human Genome Mapping Project Resource Centre, Harrow, UK

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?


most people can roast beef.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: wuchunzh@iscs.nus.sg
Subject: Add me too
Reply-To: WUCHUNZH@NUSDISCS.BITNET
Organization: Dept. of Information Systems and Computer Science, National University of Singapore
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 14:04:00 GMT

Add me to the list,pls.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
Subject: Re: The "education"party needs educating!
Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 16:05:59 GMT

b473dg@tamuts.tamu.edu (Dilawar Grewal) writes:
>Hand on the tiller through choppy waters??????????????? NO WONDER THE 
>REPUBLICANS ARE SINKING. Somebody tell them tillers are meant to be
>used on land, not on water!!!!
>ONLY RONNIE, ONLY RONNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only someone who needs a bit more work on their vocabulary.  Are you
ready to inform all those who own boats that do have tillers that they
need to be dragged up on to the beach to be used?  "Strange, doesn't
seem to be going anywhere."
-- 
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: craigdo@microsoft.com (Craig Dowell)
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 14 Aug 92 00:24:16 GMT
Organization: Microsoft Corporation

>|> We get to name our machines at work here, and I am 
>|> in desperate need of a new machine name in a hurry!  
>|> Can you help me?  

I prefer naming my machines along the lines of "huh."  Works really well when
someone asks you what your machine name is:  Huh?  What?  Why?

Russian machine names like Fukov or Pisov have worked well too.

-- Craig
From: ria@dash.udev.cdc.com (Richard Askew)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: please help me name my machine
Date: 14 Aug 92 13:23:00 GMT
Organization: Control Data Systems Inc., London
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL3

st1ns@rosie.uh.edu (Ault, Russell W.) writes:
: In article <1992Aug13.105659.8776@newstand.syr.edu>, rsadve@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Adve) writes...
: >>>....................................
: >>........................................
: >>toaster, blender, canopener, eggbeater, macintosh
: >>
: >How about 'computer'?
: 
: I've always wanted to have the chance to name one DEVNULL or just NULL, and then
: hang some really confusable names on the rest (as already suggested).


Slightly Related:

The Rubbish bin (read as Trash on otherside of Pond) by the side of my
desk is labeled "/dev/null" 
--
Richard Askew
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: mmjimm@luna.lerc.nasa.gov (Jimmy Gonzalez)
Subject: Answering Machine Messages Received
Summary: The list of Answering Machine Messages has been received.
Organization: NASA Lewis Research Center [Cleveland, Ohio]
Distribution: usa
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 18:19:16 GMT


I want to thank everyone who sent me their lists of answering
machine messages. Thanks for your time!


-- 
Jimmy Gonzalez                   |           Talking about life:
mmjimm@luna.lerc.nasa.gov        |
NASA Lewis Research Center       |    "There is no fast forward or rewind.
Cleveland, OH                    |     Only pause and play." - L.A. GEAR
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: alpha@hubcap.clemson.edu (Shekhar Borde')
Subject: Re: peter peter pumpkin eater
Organization: Clemson University
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 18:27:15 GMT

CS19240760T@LUST2.LATROBE.EDU.AU (VURGUN, SINAN) writes:


>here's one from Andrew Dice Clay

>	Peter Peter pumpkin eater
>	had a wife he loved to beat her
>	he smacked her twice across the head
>	fucked her arse and went to bed.

>anyone got any other nursey rhymes??



You know this kind of sexist stuff really sickens me...

We should try to keep this newsgroup clean.





****NOT!!!!*****

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahaha ...




OK, More of the Dice Man ...



Little Miss Muffett, sat on a tuffett
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, and sat down beside her,
and said " What's in the bowl, bitch !? "



Little Boy Blew (sic)....
He needed the money !



Georgie Porgey
Pudding & Pie...
Whacked off in his girlfriend's eye...
And when that eye was glued and shut...
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.



Hickory Dickory Dock,
the bitch was sucking my cock
the clock struck two...
I shot my goo,
and dropped the bitch off ' the next block.



Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fucking dick.


Another version is ...


Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack's not so nimbe, and he's not so quick
Now he's in the hospital,with a burnt fucking dick.
 


There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids- her uterus fell out!



Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack's not so nimbe, and he's not so quick
Now he's in the hospital,with a burnt fucking dick.



There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do.
So she started giving head.



and finally ......



Little Bo Peep
Fucked her sheep.
She blew her horse
and licked his feet.
She ate his ass,
all very nice.
Tongued his balls 
Not once but twice!



Yeah! Yeah! I know it's sick stuff. But hey  --  I LOVE IT !!!



-Shekhar
 alpha@hubcap.clemson.edu



Newsgroups: rec.humor