From: krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us (D. 'krikket' Krick)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: late at night
Date: 6 Sep 92 11:36:37 GMT
Organization: The Meltdown - A Team Star BBS

In article <BtxvB8.FwF@twwells.com>, anon-1201@twwells.com (Jasmyne) writes:

        ***Secondary Spoiler Warning of MILD Nature***


>-longish post to follow-
>
>hi
>
>it's early in the morning and i'm scared....
>i'm really sad again...and very confused.  I want to call someone to
>talk but i don't want to bother anyone. i've been lurking for
>awhile..just watching, testing if you will. i don't know what i'll say,
>and i don't know if ya'll want to hear but i hope you will.

Actually, knowing that I'm not the only one who is screwed up comes as a
confort!  Keep talking, there are plenty of us here that will listen!

>************Spoiler (i think maybe i don't quite get the meaning of it)
>            *********General Confusion**************

The term "Spoiler" just evolved...  If I remember correctly, it was stolen from
TV Spoiler warnings...  It just means "Brace yourself!  Incomming!" :) (So it
may not be the best term, but it's what's there...)

>I know that it's helpful to write down your individual "experiences",
>but i don't like that. i think that if i really were to write stuff down
>then there would be no turning back.
>What if i'm wrong

If you're wrong about something, then you're wrong.  You admit it, and correct
yourself.  Making a mistake is a MINOR thing to worry about.  No one is
perfect, and we all goof, so don't worry about it.

And if you're really worried about being wrong, then you might be able to
comfort yourself in statistics.  The only times someone has been wrong about
this sort of thing is when they were intentionally bullshitting, and almost
always prompted by someone else into BSing about it, for their own advantage.

The fact that you're worried about it helps to indicate that these memories are
GENUINE, not made up.

>Sometimes i get so scared that i'm making it up. i don't want to use my
>name cause you might know me, or them. Some people can't know things,
>they'll use it against you and screw you in the end. You don't talk
>outside the family...you never go against the family.....you don't shame
>the family

Sometimes it may be for the best to forget about the families wishes.  My
family wishes I were Christian, just like the other Ministers in my family.  No
thank you!  And when you get involved in situations like these, all the more
reason to forget tee wishes of the family.  If my family would decide to let a
person suffer just to protect an individual, I would disown them in a flash. 
(Then again, they would do the same...)

In short, every person has a mind of their own!  Use it to the best of your
advantage!  Don't give into whims just because someone else might like you to.
After all, you are the one who has to live with those decisions you make!

>Sometimes i look in the mirror and think: you're not that ugly....what
>they say is true..you are beautiful. But then the reflection turns sour
>and i turn into a which in front of my own eyes. I want to scream and
>break the mirror but that's bad luck isn't it?

Depends on who you beleive...  :)

>I'm dirty and vile and disgusting and nothing can make me good again. i
>want to be good but i can't. I have thoughts and then the memories come
>back and i remember how gross i am. I am a child....in some ways. A
>little kid who knows too much.  I wasn't ready when it happened, does
>this make sence?

That makes a LOT of sence!

>The one thing i'm certain of is that i was raped last
>year.  I admit that i most likely brought it on myself(even though i
>know i'm ot supposed to say that) But the thing is that i'd never really
>had a boyfriend. I don't know what's supposed to happen. You have to do
>whatever he says right?

WRONG!  You only have to do what you WANT to do!  You have the right to say
"No" at ANY time.  A flash-thought has just entered my mind...

I'm remembered of a time a friend of mine (female) (I'll call her Liz, because
I don't remember her real name, and it's unimportant anyways...) was dating a
friend (male) (I'll call him Tom, because I never knew know his name...)  Liz
and Tom decided to get into some heavy petting, which began to lead to
intercourse.  Tom had just begun to  enter inside Liz when she decided to say
"NO".  Tom still stopped, and disentangled himself from the situation.

In short, just remember you can say NO at ANY TIME!

>he knew i didn't understand, that i needed to be
>taught. he taught me how to hate myself even more than i already did. He
>taught me how to hate sex, even the idea of it, and he taught me how to
>be afraid of people. Maybe i shouldn't blame only him. Maybe it was the
>straw that broke the camels back.

Why should you NOT blame him?  Why should you blame anyone else or even
yourself?  You did nothing wrong!  All you did was to end up being forced into
a situation!  That is nothing to be ashamed of.  You are NOT a lesser person
for that!

>i don't know. Now i'm still a child, a
>19 year old child who want's to be loved. But i think that anyone who
>wants me wants me only for my body..therefore it is rare that i really
>let anyone inside. Whenever i do they seem to hurt me bad, therefore i
>don't do it much anymore. 
>I'm lonely.

Well, if you want a Net-Friend who will never see your body (hence, cannot lust
after it, or anything else!) my account is open...

E-Hugs offered if you want or need them!

>i don't want to ramble on.....too late i guess. Please don't reject me,
>i can't handle that in this mood. You say you accept anyone....how about
>someone who doesn't know which way is up at the moment? i could use some
>direction and help, especially when i'm depressed like now

Don't worry about rambleing too much...  I'm the one who rambles too often when
posting here... :)  (If you don't beleive me, read the next post...)

If I can help, just yell in my general direction...

>thanks

No problem!

Krikket               ! krikket@meltdown.chi.il.us ! USnail:3 Danada Square E.
a.k.a Doug Krick      ! Team Star Charter Member   !        Suite 246
Data ph# 708/665-9732 ! #include<std.disclaimers>  !        Wheaton, Il 60187
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  Just another commentary on the sad state of affairs on our nation today.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery