From: warton@ssd.intel.com (Peter Warton)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Re: Thanks, thoughts & requests
Date: 6 Oct 92 16:32:13 GMT
Organization: Supercomputer Systems Division, Intel Corp.

In article <Bvp5t7.K78@twwells.com> anon-1241@twwells.com (Goldberry) writes:
>
>I got some warm feedback from cloister bell and Lydia.  Thank's,
>both of you, it means a LOT.  I was (and partly still am) quite
>uneasy about reappearing in asar - what if I am not welcome
>anymore (considered a traitor for being away so long or something
>like that)?  If anyone else feels (s)he is willing and able to
>give me a pat on the back (e-pat?)  or a welcoming e-hug, it
>really would help in dealing with my fears of rejection and
>abandonment.  Please?  (uh how I hate asking...)

From the 'newbie' section, here's a big welcome (back)  and a hug for you.  
I too am glad for your presence here.  It sounds like you've done a lot
this year, and your story is encouraging to me.

[ Deleted for bandwidth...]

>
>How much and what I write (prose, poems, letters, email, netnews)
>has varied from one extreme to another.  Again, I try to do the
>right thing for me, for now, and work with the difficult parts.
>Writing with a pen or pencil on paper is a nearly total no-no
>right now - I have some clues about why this might be, but if
>anyone has experienced something alike, it would help to hear
>about it.
>

I cannot journal by hand, I have to use my computer at home.  I asked
my therapist about this and he had a couple of ideas.  First he asked
me *why* I didn't like to wrtie, and I told him that I didn't like my
handwriting.  He asked what I didn't like about it and I said that it
looks totally childish to me.  He asked me to estimate the age of a 
child who might write the way I do, and I realized that that child would
be about 11 or 12.  This just happens to correspond with my first memory
of my sexual abuse.  It seems that at that time I stopped growing in a 
number of ways, and when I see my handwriting I am reminded of me, 11
years old and terribly unhappy.  It makes me sad to type this...

[ More good healing deleted...]
>
>As a last example: I have had sort of wanted to start martial
>arts training or get into boxing (properly coached these seem
>like very good outlets for physical aggression, and I know have
>loads of that, even if it's buried pretty deep right now), but I
>have felt that I'm not ready for it yet.  I think that these
>might well be a part of my healing some day, but that day has not
>come yet.
>

I studied martial arts for about two years before I got into recovery.  I
found myself being quite aggressive and I think it was good for me.  One
bad side effect was that at night I would have Karate dreams and I ended
up scaring my wife (then girlfriend) rahter badly.  I actually kicked her
some nights.  I am ashamed to admit this, because I really *hate* to hurt
people, especially her...:-(

A big ehug for you Goldberry.
-- 
_____________________________________________________________________________
Peter Warton  (the h was dropped    | Against my better judgement (not to
over 800 years ago) 		    | mention the advice of my friends) I
warton@ssd.intel.com		    | speak for myself.
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery