From: anon-1561@twwells.com (Snow with Sun)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Starting therapy tomorrow (I hope)
Date: 25 Jan 93 04:47:23 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes

**** Minor spoilers *****  [preparations to cutting]

Hi.  I'm sorry I haven't replied to email from some
of you from last week.  I did read it and
appreciate your sending it, and what you had to
say.  Thanks. Maybe later I can go back and reply
when I'm feeling calmer.
  
Last Wednesday during my lunch break I made myself
go over to Student Mental Health and fill out a
form and arrange an "intake" appointment.  The
appointment is for tomorrow morning (Monday).  The
"I hope" in my subject line is both `I hope I keep
the appointment' and `I hope they give me some
genuine therapy and not slough me off onto one of
their other deals.'

Why * Do * I * Feel * Self-Conscious * And  *
Almost * Ashamed * About * This ?????

I mean, I've been in therapy before.  So is my SO
already, and our best friend, and lots of people,
and nobody acts weird about it.  Why am I suddenly
ready to feel weird about it?

When I came back, I was talking with J, a guy who I
consider to have become pretty much a friend, even
though we've only worked together starting last
summer I feel closer and can talk about more
personal things with him than with some folks I've
sat next to and even collaborated with for, Jesus
Christ!, six years...  So I told J what I had just
done, and he just laughed and shook his head and
somehow gave me the feeling that he was belittling
it or me.  Maybe because I was sort of interrupting
him?  Or because he thought that the concern that
was driving me there was the stuff I had been
talking to him about a month ago, and he was trying
to say "*That* isn't worth tying yourself in a knot
over."?  I have to say a couple of things to him:
"1) Look, if I happen to *allude* to being
depressed or whatever, or to going to therapy,
that's all it is, an allusion, and it doesn't mean
I'm trying to have a major talk with you about it,
so you really don't need to fend that off. 2) And I
really appreciate that you let me spill out that
silly stuff before Christmas, but I'm more than a
little embarrassed to think you might suppose
*that*'s the core of why I talk about suicide and
have gone for help.  It's maybe #11 or #12 on a
list of 15, say."  I'd do it now in email if I
didn't know already how BAD BAD BAD BAD email can
be for distorting tone and feelings.

Damn, I feel scattered all over the place.  I had
no idea I was going to go on so long about this
detail about J.

Earlier, while I was over at the Mental Health
Office, I was nervous and out of breath.  I got
through it by firmly telling myself (even
subvocalising it in words) "These kids behind the
counter are TOTALLY USED TO dealing with people who
are evidently nervous and ill-at-ease.  This isn't
McDonald's.  They're not going to say anything to
make it worse."

Then I sat in their waiting room and filled out the
form.  I checked off about 15 items from their list
of "Which of these things are bothering you?"
About a quarter of the page was a box with the
instruction "Please explain more about your
concerns."   Man, I just scribbled away.  [In the
short time I've been occasionally posting to ASAR
I'm sure I've shown what a motor-mouth I can be
once I get rolling.]  Luckily, there was just a
limited space.

I exaggerated, I'm afraid.

There was a question like "When have you previously
been an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital?"  I
wish I remembered the exact phrasing, it was poorly
constructed -- it really did seem to carry the
presupposition that they planned on
institutionalizing anyone filling out their form!
Anyway, I listed two times for that question, but
in fact the first one was a general hospital where
I was taken to have my stomach pumped and be
revived etc after my suicide attempt in high
school, and the second was the psychiatric unit of
a general hosital, where I was kept for observation
for a week following a bad drug trip in college.

I'm avoiding something and not telling this right.
Maybe I'll try again later.  There's something so
cathartic about spilling everything and running on
and on, that I sometimes forget that I also want to
be communicating and that this is probably a big
pain in the ass to anyone who actually reads it.
Please, scroll on by, I don't want to impose.

Anyway, even without reaching any big point, this
has been helpful to me.  Thanks for being there.
As part of making them take me seriously, I was
considering cutting myself.  I went out to my
neighborhood drugstore and bought some bandages and
tape and merchurochrome and peroxide.  (It's been a
long time since I've done anything like this, and
one thing that I realize has changed is that I now
know I don't want to walk around with  blood
soaking out through my shirtsleeve, and I don't
want to get an infection.)  I was going to go to
the hardware store for single-edged razor blades
(my weapon of choice), but there they were in the
drugstore.  [Unfortunately, actually, because I
knew in the back of my mind that the hardware store
is closed on Sunday so I would have a practical
obstacle in my path.]  I thought it would look
funny, simultaneously buying my weapons and all the
first-aid supplies, but I mixed the razor blades up
front with some pop and deodorant, and the
first-aid stuff in the back with vitamins.

I left them sitting on the table, and eyed them all
day.  Then I decided to see how I felt after
reading asar.  So I logged in and read, and then
wrote this up.  And now I'm going to go watch some
TV and go to bed, and throw all the stuff in a
closet.  Because the reading and writing has been a
helpful catharsis.  And because I don't want to
start off on the wrong foot by being a manipulator.
And because I read the things you'all write and I
see some people in serious pain and empathize and
think it's just wrong, just immoral almost, to
exaggerate my actually small problems and try to
claim sympathy that others are more deserving of.

Believe it or not, *that* [the extra three screens
after saying I was going to stop and try again
later] wasn't what I *thought* I wanted to explain.
But now I really am going to stop.  Thanks again,
and sorry again for rambling.

Snow with Sun

(the real weather: Well right now it's nighttime
and cold.  When I was out this morning it was sunny
and just ready to refreeze after a thaw.)



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