From: anon-1012@twwells.com (All Me of Us)
Subject: confusion/update
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
X-Email-Accepted: yes
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 1992 03:13:29 GMT

Hi everyone--

It's been a while since I've just checked in and let you know
what's going on with me.  Lots, and at the same time, not much.

There's a recurring voice in my head, one of my littler parts,
or a chorus of more than one of them at a time, that's been saying
for a while, "We're in *biiig* trouble!"  I don't know what the
trouble is, what we have or haven't done that the one who's speaking
is having problems with, or what's going on.  Just this plaintive
voice trying to get my attention.  Sometimes it plays a low-level
list of all the things we haven't taken care of that we should 
have, a background "to-do" list reminder.  Other times it's not
clear what it's all about.

Some of it may be a backlash against all the positive steps we've
taken recently, taking new emotional risks, setting new limits,
spending more time playing and remembering how to have fun.  I
don't really know.  I just listen and then feel powerless to know
how to respond.  I don't think I have the tools to take care of
these kid-parts of me.  My new therapist is definitely helping,
but we don't feel we get enough time with her.  I'm glad we 
found her, though; it was (almost) worth the hassles we had to
go through to get there.

I sent an edited draft of my divorce settlement proposal to my
attorney this morning.  It's really scary, since I've made a
real commitment to myself to ask for what I want and to believe
I deserve all of what I'm asking for.  When she gets back from
a two-week vacation, she'll send the letter to my ex's attorney
and then the fun (?) really begins.  I'm definitely scared, but
I guess I'm as ready as I can be for the controversy.  I've already
decided I do *not* want to be in the room during the negotiations,
and my attorney assures me she can handle it without me.  I
guess I trust her; that's really hard.

I've started screening calls when I'm at home; it's been hard to
sit and wait for the answering machine to pick up the phone.  It's
even harder when people hang up and don't let me know who called.
At some level it feels like a choice has been taken away from me,
though I know I could just pick up the phone when it rings.  On
the other hand, I feel more of a sense of empowerment and that
another level of people-pleasing has been removed; if people want
to talk to me, they can wait and identify themselves, and I have
a new choice of whether to pick up the phone or not.  It feels
good to have made a commitment to myself to do this, and then to
be able to follow through.  I've told most of the people who
call me on a regular basis that I'm screening calls, and I hope
they'll give me a chance to talk to them when they do call.

I guess that's all for now.  I'm confused, exhausted, scattered,
and still here.  Feeling lots of feelings, and trying to let it
be ok with myself if I don't know what they all are.  Thanks for
listening.

Hugs to those who want them,

All Me of Us 






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