From: coppinge8817@iscsvax.uni.edu
Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Norwegian blue
Date: 19 Nov 92 00:45:30 -0600
Organization: University of Northern Iowa





                          The "Pet Shop" sketch.
                   -- John Cleese and Michael Palin

 <Ring-a-ling> [Door chime]

 [Customer] "Hello, I wish to register a complaint!  [Long Pause] ...
 Hello, Miss? "

 [Store Owner] "What d'ye mean, 'Miss'? "

 "I'm sorry, I have a cold. <sniffs> ... I wish to make a complaint! -- "

 "--Sorry, we're closed for lunch! --"

 "--Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what
 I purchased not 'alf-an-hour ago -- from this very boutique! "

 "Oh yes, the uh, the Norwegian Blue, what's, uh... what's wrong with
 'im? "

 "I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad -- he's dead, that's
  what's wrong with him! "

 "No no, he's, uh, he's restin'! "

 "Look matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at
 one right now! "

 "No no, he's not dead, he's, he's resting! -- remarkable bird, the
 Norwegian Blue, isn't it, ay -- beautiful plumage! "

 "The plumage don't enter into it! It's stone dead! "

 "No no, no no, no -- he's restin'. "

 "Alright then -- if he's resting, I'll wake him up -- 'Hello, Mister
 Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh kettlefish for you if you--'"
 [Store Owner bangs the cage]

 "--There! he moved! --"

 "--No he didn't, that was you hitting the cage--"

 "--No I never--!! --"

 "--Yes it was -- 'HELLO, POLLY!!! Testing... testing... testing... '
 [Bangs parrot on countertop] 'Testing... <Bang! Bang! Bang! > This is
 your nine-o-clock alarm call!! ' ... [Bangs parrot around for a while]
 ... Now that's what I call a dead parrot! "

 "No, no... no, he's stunned! "

 "STUNNED !?!?! "

 "Yeah! You stunned 'im just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun
 easily, you know--"

 "--Now look -- now look, mate! I've definitely had enough of this!
 That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf-
 an-hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to
 it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk! "

 "Well, he's, uh... he's probably pining for the fjords. "

 "Pining for the FJORDS?!? What kind of talk is that -- look, why did
 'e fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? "

 "The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on his back! Remarkable bird,
 i'n't it, squire -- lovely plumage! "

 "Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
 and I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch
 in the first place -- was that it'd been NAILED there!! "

 "... Well, of course it was nailed there!  If I 'adn't nailed that bird
 down, it would 'ave muscled open those bars -- bent them apart with 'is 
 beak, and --- VOOOOMMM! " [Owner makes flying away motions with hands]

 " 'VOOOOMMM'?!?  Mate, this parrot wouldn't 'voooommm' if you put four
  million volts through it!! It's bleeding DECEASED!!! "

 "No, no, he's pining!! "

 "He's NOT pining, he's PASSED ON!!  This parrot is NO MORE!!  He has
 ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet its maker!  It's a stiff!
 Bereft of life, it rests in peace!  If you 'adn't nailed it to the
 perch, it'd be pushin' up the daisies!  His metabolic processes are
 now -- history!!  He's up the creek!  He's kicked the bucket, he's
 shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the
 bleedin' choir invisible!!   THIS -- IS AN EX-PARROT!!! "
 
 [Pause]

 "... Well, I'd better replace it then! " [Looks around the shop]

 [Customer, to the audience] "If you want to get anything done these
 days, you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth! "

 [Owner, coming back] "Sorry, squire, I've 'ad a look about the back of
 the shop, and we're right out of parrots--"

 "--I see, I see! I get the picture! --"

 "--I've got a slug! "

 "... Pray, does it talk? "

 "... Not really... --"

 "--WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT IS IT ?!?!?! "

 [Long pause]

 "... Do you... do you want to come back to my place? "

 "I thought you'd never ask! "


                                  [END]


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Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 13:42:10 EST
From: MEM <mmathai@arinc.COM>
Subject: Norwegian Blue: The pet shop skit.
To: COPPINGE8817@iscsvax.uni.edu
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