From: barrett@snoopy.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: Fungus Among Us
Summary: reginald barnflower's international toe-cleaning service
Keywords: yuck
Date: 3 Sep 92 21:04:29 GMT
Reply-To: barrett@snoopy.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett)
Organization: BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED


	I read in the newspaper today that the local grocery store is
having a sale on mushrooms -- "buy one pound, get the second pound free!"
Being a long-time reader of this fine newsgroup, I couldn't help wondering
what impact this is going to have on the future of the Commodore Amiga.

	We all know that Commodore is getting ready to announce some new
products at September's "World of Commodore."  Some of us are thinking:
maybe these products will lead to a resurgence of Commodore's past glory.
But Commodore, who obviously does not read our local paper, might have
some surprises in store.  (In fact, the only newspaper Commodore management
does read is the "Iowa State Hog-Jowl", where it gets all the latest hot
business tips.)

	Thanks to the local supermarket, there is going to be an absolute
*run* on mushrooms in Amherst, Massachusetts.  I predict that they'll be
sold out within 2 days.  This onslaught, combined with the current drought
conditions in California, will lead to a mushroom shortage spanning not
only Western Massachusetts, but other major parts of New England.
(Observant people have no doubt realized that Los Gatos, California -- in
the heart of the drought region -- is where Commodore used to have its
major Amiga research & development facility, before they closed it down
years ago.  This is not coincidence.)

	"Get to the POINT, asswipe," I hear you saying.  "What the hell does
a mushroom shortage have to do with CBM?!?"  Shh... don't worry... all
will become clear in a few paragraphs.

	Anyway, with mushrooms virtually nonexistent in the northeastern
United States, consumers will be forced to purchase other types of fungus
for their recipes which need mushrooms.  Now as you probably noticed,
"fungus" is a strange word that people normally don't associate with food. 
No, they associate it with the itchy stuff that grows between the toes of
disgusting people who change their shoes almost as often as they see
Halley's Comet.  So the major fungus producers -- and by "producers", I
mean the people who grow fungus NOT attached to their bodies -- will have
to launch a major advertising campaign to make the public think that fungus
is highly desirable.

	Now I don't know about you, but when I think of a person who grows
fungus for a living, I don't picture Albert Einstein.  In fact, if you
check the "Guiness Book of World Records," you will see that the rare
blue-crested hummingbird, with a body length of 3 centimeters, weighs over
ten times more than the total weight of all fungus growers' brain cells
in the North American continent.  So these are not the kind of people who
can think up catchy slogans that will make you want to eat fungus.

	No, their parent organization (the Agricultural Trade Harvest League
Endorsing The Easy Sale of Fungus Out Of Trucks) will have to hire a
clever marketing team to help put more mold in the American kitchen. And
who would these brilliant people hire?  Well, after seeing that
advertisement in Amigaworld, with the little kid licking his lips and 
salivating over the '040 A3000T, who do you THINK they'd hire?  That's
right -- Commodore.  It's inedible, uh, I mean inevitable.

	So, Commodore's marketing department, realizing it can make a lot
of money here, starts inventing brilliant slogans like "Mold is Gold,"
"Slime is Sublime," and (my personal favorite) "Fungus:  It's Not Just For
Breakfast Anymore."  Soon, advertisements are appearing on television and
in print, and it isn't long before customers start letting the company know
that this highly intricate marketing campaign is actually pretty stupid.  I
mean, FUNGUS?  Get real.

	This total failure to capture the mushroom market causes Commodore
upper management to get pissed off, which scares the hell out of marketing
people. So, in an effort to save themselves, they make a deal with the
fungus growers to "trade jobs" for a short time, figuring that CBM
management won't notice.  So the marketing people head off for the fields
of fungi, while the farmers put on business suits and drive their tractors
to West Chester, PA.

	Amiga marketing drastically improves at an incredible rate.
In a 48-hour period, Amiga sales skyrocket.  Major software manufacturers
sit up and take notice.  Lotus decides to do an Amiga port, not only of
"1-2-3", but even the rumored "4".  Microsoft stock drops 57 points in 1
hour.  Apple is eaten by its own WORM drives.  Huge cracks open up in the
earth's surface.  Everything looks GREAT!

	However, strange things start to happen.  There is a noticeable rise
in the number of Amiga service requests.  Users are complaining of slime
coming out of the mouse ports.  And hot rumors start in the newsgroup
comp.sys.amiga.advocacy that a new Amiga virus is actually transmitted
through the air by "spores."  In response, Commodore institutes a new repair
plan known as "Green Service" which helps to keep these problems relatively
under control.

	And in the midst of all this confusion, surrounded by mold-filled
computers, brainless pseudo-marketing people, and the ever-increasing
anti-mushroom propaganda instituted by Taiwanese PC clone industry...
somebody at CBM notices that the date is now September 28.  Oh, NO!  They
have forgotten to attend World of Commodore!!!!!!

	Panic ensues.  There is a mad, yet futile, dash to California where
it is hoped that "die hard" fans might still be waiting.  But the conference
hall is devoid of Amigans; instead, in a bizarre coincidence, it's the
annual "Miss Hog Jowl" beauty contest.  CBM makes a few fleeting attempts to
interest the pageant contestants in their wares, but ultimately leaves
feeling dejected and rejected.

	Due to its oversight, Commodore becomes the laughingstock of
the computer industry.  Sales plummet.  Profits drop 5000%.  Stock prices
hit the negatives.  And Irving Gould starts wearing a bag over his head.

	[pause for effect]

	THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.

	That's why I've posted this warning.  With Commodore now armed with
this early information, I am counting on them to do the right thing during
the soon-to-come mushroom crisis.  If not... well... don't say I didn't warn
you.

                                                        Dan

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| Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  barrett@cs.umass.edu |
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---
Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its
entirety.  It may not be included in any publication without the written
permission of the author.  So nyaaah.