From: cgt@gargoyle.uchicago.edu (Carlos Talbot)
Subject: Reworked BA Quotes List 4/7
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 17:07:26 GMT


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[ BlackAdder Series 4 ]

Black Adder Goes Fourth (Edmund BA is a Captain in the trenches along the
Western Front in 1917). 1989

1. Captain Cook

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

General Melchett is looking for an artist for a special assignment.

o  PB: "Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?"
   EB: "Rat...au vin?"
   PB: "Yeah, it's rat that's been..."
   EB: "...run over by a van."

o  PB: "I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit 
        by it..."

o  LG: "Tally ho, pip pip, and Bernard's your uncle."
   EB: "In English, we say, 'Good morning.'"

o  EB: "Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry   
        cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to 
        cover a small water biscuit."

o  PB: "What's on the menu?"
   EB: "Rat:  sautee or fricasee."
   PB: "Oh, the agony of choice.  Sauteed involves...?"
   EB: "Well, first you take a freshly shaven rat and marinate it in a mud 
        puddle for a while."
   PB: "Mmm, for how long?"
   EB: "Til it's drowned."

o  GM: "Row, row, row your punt gently down the stream,
   LG:  Belts off, trousers down, life is such a scream.  UNNHH!!"
   EB: "Fabulous.  University education:  you can't beat it."

o  EB: "I, on the other hand, am a fully-rounded human being, with a degree 
        from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard      
        Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit 
        Kicked Out of Me."

o  LG: "Well, *I'm* not overfurnished in the brain department."

o  EB: "I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about Baldrick's apple 
        crumble."

o  LG: "Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an Impressionist."
   EB: "The only impression he can do is that of a man with no talent."

o  EB: "This is going to be art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and 
        told Leonardo da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood."

o  GM: "So it's maximum security, is that clear?"
   EB: "Quite clear, sir.  Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking   
        world is to know."

o  CD: "Good luck against those elephants."

o  EB: "Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?"
   LG: "Oh, you taking up sculpture now, sir?"
   EB: "No, I thought I'd get my headstone done."
   LG: "What are you going to put on it?"
   EB: "'Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed.'"

o  LG: "In the school debating society, I was voted Boy Least Likely to     
        Complete a Coherent...erm..."
   EB: "Sentence?"
   LG: "That's it!  Yes!  Yes!"

2. Corporal Punishment

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
CP : Corporal Perkins (Jeremy Hardy)

In avoiding orders from Geneepisdesral Melchett, Edmund eats a messanger
pigeon, which turns out to be a court-martial offence.

o  LG: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
   EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
        scatter oneself over a wide area."

o  EB: "With 100,000 men dying every day, who's going to miss one small 
        pigeon?"
   <BANG!>
   LG: "Well, obviously not you, Sir"
    
o  LG: "As far as I can tell, you're guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile
        of poo."

o  GM: "I don't care if he has been rogering the Duke Of York with a giant  
        leek. He killed my pigeon."
       - General Meltchett on the death of his 'Speckled Jim'

o  "We're your firing squad."
       - The firing squad meets Blackadder

o  EB: "George, I'm in deep trouble here.  I need to construct a case that's 
        as watertight as a mermaid's brassiere."

o  LG: "I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Complete Works of      
        Charles Dickens."

o  CP: "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
   EB: "Perhaps later."

o  EB: "Morning, George.  Morning, Baldrick.  Still a striking resemblance to 
        guppy fish at feeding time."

o  "Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?"
       - George on the belief that Blackadder is dead, BA4

o  George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who 
             would normally disobey orders?"
   Darling: "Yes."
   George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
       - George questions Capt. Darling, BA4

3. Major Star

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
BP : Driver Bob Parkhurst (Gabrielle Glaister)

In order to boost up the troop's morale, Edmund organises a show with 
hopes of taking the revue to London.

o  LG: "So, we're a bit stuck."
   EB: "You can say that again, George.  We're in the stickiest situation   
        since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun!"

o  EB: "They've [the Russians] abandoned the Eastern Front."
   PB: "And they've overthrown Nicholas the Second, who used to be bizarre."
   EB: "He used to be *the* Czar, Baldrick."

o  "Dear Mr Chapman Stop
    Have found only man in the world less funny than you stop
    Name is Baldrick Stop
    Yours Captain E Blackadder stop.
    P.S. Please please please please stop."
       - EB commenting on Charlie Chaplin and Baldrick, BA4

o  BP: "Oh, sir, sir, please don't give me away, sir.  I just wanted to be  
        like my brothers and join up.  I want to see how a war is fought -- so 
        badly!"
   EB: "Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.  A war hasn't been fought 
        this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings,          
        accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on 
        the inside."

o  EB: "Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George?  You should go to 
        Jamaica and become a limbo dancer."

o  EB: "If I should die, think only this of me:  I'll be back to get ya."

o  EB: "You don't look like Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. You don't have a 
        moustache."
   B: "No, Sir. But I have this - a dead slug."
       - BA4

4. Private Plane

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
LF : Squadron Leader The Lord Flashheart (Rik Mayall)

Edmund joins the Air Corp and crashes behind enemy lines with Baldrick.
Lord Flashheart battles Baron von Richthoven to rescue him.

o  EB: "I don't care how many times they go up-diddly-up-up.  They're stilll 
        gits."

o  LF: "You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman."
   EB: "So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?"
   LF: "No, get in her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"

o  EB: "We've shot off over a million shells and what's the result?  One      
        dachshund with a slight limp."

o  LG: "My God!"
   LF: "Yes, I suppose I am."

o  GM: "Darling, stop slouching"
       - to an unconscious Capt Darling (headbutted by Flash)

o  LF: "Ask me why I don't wear any underwear"
   EB: "Why don't you have any underwear?"
   LF: "Because a pair of pants haven't been invented that will take the
        job on. wooooow!!"

o  EB: "For two and a half years, the Western Front has been as likely to move 
        as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel."

o  LF: "I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
   EB: "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from        
        scratch."

o  EB: "However, the Teutonic reputation for brutality is well-founded.     
        Their operas last three or four days.  They have no word for        
        'fluffy.'"

5. General Hospital

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
NB : Nurse Mary Fletcher-Brown (Miranda Richardson)

Edmund is assigned to find a spy in a hospital, which has a beautiful
nurse and a man with a strong German accent called "Smith".

o  EB: "She's as wet as a fish's wet bits."

o  NB: "Tell me, Edmund, do you have someone special in your life?"
   EB: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
   NB: "Who?"
   EB: "Me."
   NB: "No, I mean someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all  
        the horror and hurt."
   EB: "Mmmm, stilll me, really."

o  EB: "I only smoke after making love, so back home in England 
        I'm a twenty a day man."

o  GM: "Well, bugger me with a fish fork!"

o  GM: "You'll need a very convincing injury then."
       - General while shooting Darling in the foot to get him in hospital

o  LG: "It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick and the Cap again.  They'll have been 
        worried sick about me, you know."
   EB: "All right, where is the malingering git?"

o  EB: "Sir, is there something the matter?"
   GM: "You're damned right there's something the matter!  Something sinister 
        and something grotesque.  And what's worse is that it's going on under 
        my very nose!"
   EB: "Sir, your moustache is lovely!"

o  LG: "Well cover me in egg and flour and bake me for 14 minutes!"
       - Lt. George on discovering that the nurse was the spy

6. Goodbyeee

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

The big push is coming, so Edmund goes mad. Will a last minute call to
Field Marshal Haig save him?

o  EB: "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell.'"

o  LG: "I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol."
       
o  EB: "Now, Baldrick, ask me some simple questions."
   PB: "Right.  What is your name?"
   EB: "<YOUR VERSION OF WIBBLE, WUBBLE, WBBL, WOBBLE, OR WOOBLE>"
   PB: "What is two plus two?"
   EB: "Oh, <WIBBLE WIBBLE>."
   PB: "Where do you live?"
   EB: "London."
   PB: "Eh?"
   EB: "A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city...<WIBBLE>."

o  PB: "I heard it [the war] started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an 
        ostrich 'cos he was hungry."

o  LG: "I'm as excited as a really excited person who's got a special reason 
        to be excited."


o  CD: "Made a note in my diary on the way here.  Simply says:  bugger."

o  EB: "We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions 
        of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant 
        with some heavy shopping."

o  PB: "Shall I do my war poem?"
   EB: "How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is 'I'd    
        rather French-kiss a skunk'?"
   PB: "So would I, sir."

o  EB: "I'm afraid it'll have to wait.  Whatever it was, I'm sure it was    
        better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad.  I  
        mean, who would've noticed another madman around here?"

o  EB: "Surely you've noticed something in the air?"
   LG: "Yes, but I -- I thought that was Baldrick."

===========================  NEED HELP PLACING THESE ====================


o  B: "I want my mother."
   EB: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very
        moment."      
       - BA4

o  "Have you ever visited Planet Earth ?"
       - EB to the General, BA4.

o  "Baldrick, that is the worst plan since Abe Lincoln said to his wife, 
    'I'm sick of sitting around the house, let's catch a show'"
       - EB, BA4



o  "Me and you of course Darling,
    Field Marshall Hague, and Field Marshal's Hague's wife,
    All her friends, her friends' servants,
    her friends' servants tennis partners,
    and some man I bumped into in the mess last week
    named "######""
       - Generals list of people knowing of the secret plan, BA4

o  "Ah, cappucino."
       - Baldrick confesses to BA that all the coffees that have been served
         for the past few months have in fact been mud, with dandruff for   
         sugar and spit for milk (I'm making myself sick typing this crap .. 
         anyway) Baldrick makes a cuppa for Captain Darling, who upon       
         receiving it looks into the cup, BA4

o  "There was a tiny flaw in the plan.  It was bollocks."
       - EB to G and B, BA4