From: mtaranto@shearson.com (Mark Taranto)
Subject: Why I am thrilled with the QPBC
Organization: Yale CS Mail/News Gateway
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 19:25:02 GMT


I just received three books from the Quality Paperback Book Club.  I am
absolutely THRILLED about receiving one of them.
 
The first is ANNA KARENINA.  I figure that I ought to read it, even though
the ending has been spoiled for me.  The second is a collection of books
by Christopher Isherwood, which I look forward to reading.
 
But the one that really thrills me is called WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES?
 
In order for you to understand why I am thrilled by this book, I should
tell you that I bought it as a gift for my father, and I have to tell
you a little about my father.
 
Contrary to a joke I made about my father a month or so ago, he is one
of the kindest men I know.  He is warm and loving.  But he also asks questions
about everything.  I'm talking about the kind of questions little kids ask.
He does this to everyone.  My sister calls him Mr. Magoo.
 
Here is an example:  Every year, I bring him out to New York City for
the Big East Basketball tournament.  Every time we enter Madison Square
Garden, we see a number of people standing in lines, waiting to use the
telephones.  Every time we see them, he asks me the same question:
 
        See those people there waiting to use the phone?
        Who the hell are they calling?  Why would someone come
        to a basketball game and use the phone.  I see it at
        baseball games at the Metrodome, too.  Who the hell are they
        calling?
 
I've tried various answers:  "Their calling their wives to tell them
when to pick them up at the train station."  He keeps asking.  Finally,
I told him that they were calling their bookies.  This seems to satisfy
him.
 
One day, after a game, we left the Garden and walked through Penn Station.
 
        Why are all these people standing around?
 
        It's a train station, Dad.
 
        Well, why are they standing around?
 
        It's 5:15 -- they just got off work, and they are waiting for
        their trains.
 
One evening, we were at dinner.  He said (I should explain that my father
is a widower):
 
        Let me ask you about something.  I understand why the Catholic
        Church doesn't want young people fooling around.  Too many
        things can happen.  But an old fart, like me, if I meet a nice
        woman what's the harm with me going to bed with her?
 
        Uh, I don't know, dad.  What do you think about that game today?
 
At any rate, I told all of this to a friend of mine, named Mitch.  Mitch
laughed & said "Tell Fran that I said that if he finds a woman, go ahead
and fuck her."  So, I told this to my father.  He said "Great, tell him
I will."
 
About a week later, I got home from work, and found a long recorded
message from my father:
 
        I got another one for you.  Let's suppose that you are
        out driving around, and you see a sign that says
        "New York  20 Miles," where is that 20 miles to?
        Is that 20 miles to the city limits? 20 miles to
        the center of town?  Just where the hell is that
        20 miles to?  You might want to ask Mitch about this.
 
I called up Mitch, and played the tape for him.  He gave the following
response:
 
        Tell Fran that 20 miles to New York is not a distance,
        it is a state of mind, and that if he is thinking about
        questions like this, he obviously hasn't found a woman yet.
 
(In case you are wonderingm the distance is usually measured from city hall.)
 
So, this is why I am thrilled that I just got WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES?
It answers such questions as:
 
        Why do dogs have wet noses?
 
        Why do underwear manufacturers always put the tag on the inside
        and back of the waistband, right where it will scratch and annoy
        you the most?
 
        Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
 
        Why do men have nipples?  <Incidently, there is a similar book
        with this question as the title.>
 
        Why are all gondolas black?
 
This is the perfect gift for him, and I am THRILLED!
 
Mark