From: smith@comm.mot.com (Jeff Smith)
Subject: Re: Suggestions needed....
Organization: Gagging Sloth Records
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1992 14:43:42 GMT

In article <1992Nov18.080425.19672@rdg.dec.com>, veburst@contra.enet.dec.com (KSV) writes:
|> 
|> I'd like your opinions, folks... this is a difficult situation for me and 
|> I'm somewhat at a loss about where to go from here.
|> 
|> I'll start off by giving a bit of background....

|> I've known him for about 2 1/2 years now and we've had several serious 
|> discussions about 'us'.  To the general population, we're 'just friends'... 
|> very best of friends, but still just friends.  I've loved this guy for 
|> almost 2 years... and I mean deep, all-consuming, I would do anything for 
|> him love.... He knows how I feel about him and it makes him feel good and 
|> warm inside.  
...

|> Now for the problem at hand.... he says he loves me as a friend but because 
|> I have a daughter and have been married and divorced, as well as being 9 
|> years his senior, he "can't" love me.  According to him, it's not a matter 
|> of wanting to love me, it's a matter of ability to do so because of the 
|> above-mentioned problems.  Even so, he has done so many things for me that 
|> 'just friends' don't normally do (at least in my experience).
...

|> I guess what I don't understand is why is it that loving someone who has a 
|> kid and was married is an insurmountable problem, but loving someone who 
|> lives 10,000 miles away that you'll only see a couple times a year for 2 or 
|> 3 weeks at a time is okay and surmountable? 

Possibly, the kid/marriage thing is not *really* the reason, but rather a
justification. He has probably convinced himself that this is the case, but
it may be that he's simply thought of you as a friend for too long. I've noticed
that in some cases, when I've been friends with a woman for a long time, I start
thinking of them almost as siblings rather than simply friends. It's not easy
to get from that into a dating mindset! Not necessarily impossible, just not
easy.

|> Suggestions?  Opinions?  Should I take a long walk off a short pier?  
|> Should I follow my heart and keep hoping that something will change and bring
|> us together?

Well, in *my* opinion, if you *really* want something to happen, you're going
to have to make it happen. This is risky of course, because you're taking the
chance of losing what you have today in the attempt to gain something more.
Nevertheless, from what you describe, you have a decent chance. And also, if 
you are *really* such good friends, then the risk I mentioned is less...because
neither of you will be willing to let it die, even if it becomes awkward for
a while.

Either way though...the ball's in your court.

jds

***************************************************************************
                               * Health and knowledge and wealth and power,
Jeff Smith                     * Passion and poems and sex
smith@fl08-g.comm.mot.com      * I wear a smile like a leather glove,
                               * I won't shut my mouth for less.
                                                - shriekback
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