From: pjn+@cs.cmu.edu (P J Narayanan)
Newsgroups: alt.culture.kerala
Subject: Re: Dating Vs peNNukANal revisited
Date: 11 Nov 92 21:38:54 GMT
Followup-To: alt.culture.kerala
Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon

-I agree with most of the arguments against pennukaanal especially that
-it never gives a chance to truly know the other person. Most of the
-marriages take place in two or three months after the first meeting of
-the couple.

	Yes, but usually, the decision to get married or not is taken
in (a) day(s) or less with no further direct contact between the two
individuals involved. The delay of two or three months is mostly
procedural and, typically, there is no or very little contact between
them.

-But many base their decision on family
-status and heritage rather than the personality of the proposed. This
-system works probably because the man and woman involved do not have
-very high hopes or expectations.

	I think this worked well in the past. In the age of the
nuclear family, individual compatibility is more important than family
matters.  Things (superficially) work well only because one of the
parties (in some cases both but in most cases the woman) gives in.

-My main objection to dating in the context of finding a suitable wife or
-husband was that even though it promises unlimited freedom in selection,
-many involved cannot possibly utilize the same. This is because knowing
-the personality of some one is a very difficult task.

	True. It is difficult to really know someone. But, not giving
enough (any!) time for it -- as is typical in PK situations -- will
not help.

-As many pointed out, in our society women's position is less secure
-than men's. I don't want to invoke the old discussions about whether
-women are really weaker or not but, these feelings have a lot to do with
-the practice of pennukaanal.

	This might have been true in the past. Women have made
considerable gains in achieving equality in the past few years. In a
world where work is more intellectual than physical and where law and
order is enforced not by each but by (just) societal agencies, there
should (and will) be no difference between the security of the sexes.
Since this change is undoubtedly happening, it is time to change
institutions based on such assuptions.

-Even then, I have to mention that the effects of
-this practice is evident in todays american society also. What is the
-reason behind 99% of unwanted pregnancies and abortions? The answer is
-obviously, indiscriminate dating.

	Just as you pointed out correctly, the assumptions in American
and Indian societies are different. Hence, I am not advocating
American style dating to our society, though I don't find anything
*inherently* wrong with it if the individuals are responsible. Any
"dating" introduced in India is not going to be like how it is here
due to, if nothing else, the inertia of the society.

-The 'performance' in front of the guests is
-a small fee charged for this protection. And the fear, I think, is just
-a kind of 'stage-fright' and both the man and woman are equally affected
-by it.

	In my opinion, several options that charge less or no "fee" of
this kind exist, if we care to cultivate them. The primary change in
attittude should be to think of this NOT as a choice between
Kerala-village-style-PK versus American-city-style-dating.

-The suggestion of an extended pennukaanal in which the couple is left to
-themselves after the preliminary introductions is a good idea too. But
-it also has drawbacks. Firstly, the time it takes for their final
-approval. How long is sufficient? One month? An year? Two years? The
-answer is going to be difficult.

	You ask many relevant questions. The answers aren't as difficult
as you seem to think. My answer is: Upto the two individuals. I don't
think this will cause any deadlock in the marriage process. I will even
predict that very little change (from the PK system) will be seen
initially, but gradually the situation will become more "fair."

-Many think of their marriage pretty
-late in their early thirties and to date someone for such a long time is
-going to be foolish idea for them.

	This is precisely because they know of a rather painless and
effortless way of getting married -- through PKs/arranged marriages.
To quote a friend of mine: (regarding Indians in the US getting married
during a 3 week trip home) "Indians spend less time in selecting a wife
than in selecting a car." Given that it is an important decision, we all
should be spending some thought to it early on in life.

-The second drawback is that after the
-the preliminary meetings it is natural for the families to get attached
-to each other. In that case the couple are again put in a situation
-where they cannot make an independent decision. And what if it is a
-Romeo-Juliet case after the pennukaanal. If the families find out that
-they cannot be compatible ever!

	Family pressures could exist and people will find ways to cope
with it. The possibility of problems arising in a proposed system is
not enough defence of the existing system, which has many many more
problems, IMHO.

-And a third: What about the rumors that
-are bound to come up? I am sure that our society gives a lot of
-importance to such conceptions as virginity etc. How will we solve those
-problems?

	I view these as the malaises affecting the current system and
they should go away. But they will not, until individuals in the
society start acting to change them. Social changes are not brought
out by the wave of an unknown prophet's wand; they start at home. And
if we all draw ourselves into the cocoons of safe traditions, change
may never come.

-Mathai

Regards!

PJN

P.S. :-	As you said in an email, we two seem to be the only ones hammering
	on this topic. Maybe we should shift it to the email medium.

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Robotics Institute, CMU			pjn@cs.cmu.edu
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
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