Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk (Mary Branscombe)
Subject: Re: Definition of "monogamy"?
Reply-To: maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1992 21:09:00 +0000


I probably should post this later 'cos I'm a bit shit-faced at the 
tail end of an office party but this looks important...
I've always thought of myself as a serial person. Recently, my now-ex 
wanted to try "multiple/open" relationships. I sort of tired but it 
didn't even get started the way he was thinking of. Life got ahead of 
me. It works for him, not me and we're now (very good) friends. I 
can't committ to and care about and share my life with more than one 
person at once in the same way. How can I go from hugging and getting 
serious with one person to hugging and getting serious with another 
at the other end of a train journey or a day later and be sure I know 
who I'm thinking about? I can't care the same way about two people 
and it's nothing to do with symbiosing unhealthily any more...
the best definition I know of love is cynical - caring about some one 
else's safety and happiness *almost* as much as your own. 
Monogamy is a committment. You can't say "forever" because life and 
you and the other changes. You may not always be the same person to 
want and give the same things. You can only give the journey as long 
as it is, not as long as you or another might want it to. But it's 
working and talking and caring and sharing. Think of how the other 
person wants things to be as much as you can... Love and care and 
remember what hurts them. You say "now - and for as long as  I am me 
and You are you. Us, together. We." And you fight and work and strive 
and *give* to make it carry on working when it gets difficult. 
Wonderful as Ignatz is, if I had been in a relationship with 
committment, where we were both committed to monogamy, I'd have been 
friends with Ignatz. I wouldn't have let myself care that much, or if 
I did I wouldn't have done anything or let anything happen. Kind of 
glad the way it is of course! Very glad to be happy rather than 
hurting. I'm just saying no matter how wonderful possibles are 
monogamy is about giving and caring and working, not about easy 
options because anything worthwhile requires work and sometimes 
sacrifice. You also need to know when things end and when to stop 
giving and working but that's relationships as a whole, not just 
monogamy.
This is something I have thought about lately. I am monogmaous, 
because while sex out of a relationship is fun, sex *in* a 
relationship when you are forging something more than just pleasure 
and you are building something by getting close by pleasure... 
everybody is the centre of their own world... your significant otter 
may never be the center of your world but if you bear in mind that 
they are the centre of their own world, and get your worlds close 
together....

Monogamy is *not the easy option and not everyone works that way - 
and damn it it hurts when after eight and a half years you realise 
you want different things (hmmm - wouldn't be saying this much if I 
wasn't RL drunk but this is *mine to say) - but you choose what you 
want. You have a life. Monogamy *doesn't suit anyone. At the basis 
you say "don't want anyone more than me - or care enough about me not 
to do anything about if you do." Are we all insecure? I think so! ;-) 
We all want to be loved and be important and to have *certainties... 
Trusting and giving... and relying. Like aerialist or drama exercises 
- I trust if I fall you will catch me (but I have a life to sustain 
me if you're not there. I am a person in my own right and as such I 
share with you). Trust - faith - caring - giving... this is what I 
believe 
Equally - Polyamory doesn't suit everyone. We're all different - and 
maybe closer tha we think. Please don't flame over this because each 
pariticpant is only right for themselves. Relatinships and 
monogamy/polyamory is maybe the most personal thing there is after 
religion. The recent discussions here have taught me how similar, 
different and lovable people are, much more than anything about 
religion!

Hmmmm - spelling finally dead. Stop before I stop making sense!
You choose what you want - you live your own life - if you're really 
lucky you fall in love with someone who thinks the same way and wants 
the same stuff - I seem to be lucky this time!
Mary listens to real-life in her office - Genesis live - Hold on my 
heart... followed by That's all... other way round guys! Even my tail 
can't stand up straight. Carry the pink champagne I'm drinking to the 
chalk line
"Igantz! You won't see this for ages! I love you! I found me and then 
I found you and thank God it was that way round.
To the years I spent with Clive. To the love we shared. To the love I 
gave and received and all the sharing and the growing. To my life and 
to yours! We'll be friends... we were lovers. No - other way round - 
we were lovers, we are and will be friends. We grow and travel.
Life goes on and if you're lucky you share it. I'm sharing it with 
wonderful people.
To life, to sharing, to getting drunk and telling your friends how 
you really feel! Never had as many friends as here in the Place. 
Completely incoherent! To love! To us! Hey!"
<<<<Crash>>>>


Before I throw *me in the fireplace by mistake!
If I'm more coherent tomorrow I may say something easier to 
understand. But tonight my heart is speaking.

A very merry Mary and a MerryTail decorated with bows courtesy of 
michael and with .... MISTLETOE! Hey! Happy Christmas! Happy New 
Year. Happy *CHOICES*
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| Organisation: Me? You're joking, right?   |maryb@cix.compulink.co.uk |
|                                           |maryb@cix.compulink.uucp  |
|I know I type "teh" for "the" My fingers have their own accent ;-)    |
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Newsgroups: alt.callahans