Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 22:19:41 -0500 
From: Jeremy Matthew Toeman <jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Finals

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
   to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)


  1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
  minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
  gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

  2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
  secret documents!!"

  3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
  answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
  integral symbol.

  4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
  left nostril.

  5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
  your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
  SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
  the instructor is.

  6.  Bring cheerleaders.

  7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
  say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
  every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
  you? Where's the regular guy?"

  8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
  level.

  9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
  refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
  question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
  creative.

  10.  Bring pets.

  11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
  relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
  country" and run off.

  12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
  very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
  Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
  Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

  13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

  14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
  head, and nothing else.

  15.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
  vulgar as possible.

  16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
  one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

  17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
  Blame it on the person nearest to you.

  18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

  19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
  taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
  them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
  the profits if they are allowed to stay.

  20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
  another seat, continue with the exam.

  21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
  start commenting on how easy it was.

  22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
  it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
  etc..).

  23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
  completely blacked out.

  24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
  violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

  25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
  instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
  after one hour to go drink)

  26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
  during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

  27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
  tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
  above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

  28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

  29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
  on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
  until they drag you away.

  30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
  class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
  Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
  the exam.

  31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
  "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
  Lives is on!!!"

  32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

  33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
  the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
  leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
  River Kwai.

  34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

  35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
  could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
  equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
  story.

  36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
  shield.

  37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
  exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

  38.  Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
  like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
  failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
  the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

  39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

  40.  After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
  question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

  41.  One word: Wrestlemania.

  42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
  do before concerts start.

  43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

  44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

  45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
  Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

  46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
  to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

  47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
  anything you can reach.

  48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
  degree angle.

  49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
  asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
  with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
  instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

  50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"


Written by Jeremy Toeman  (jt3h@andrew.cmu.edu)

Feel free to add to this list, and distribute as you wish.


---

     ---     ---     ---     ---     ---     ---     ---     ---     ---

+=-----------------=+=--------------------=+
|   Jeremy Toeman   | jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu |
+=-----------------=+=--------------------=+=------------------------------=+
|  One word characterizes the most strenuous of the efforts for the         |
|  advancement of science that I have made perseveringly during fifty-five  |
|  years;  that word is failure                          -- Lord Kelvin     |
+=-------------------------------------------------------------------------=+
|  "God is dead."                                                           |
|                                                        -- Nietszche       |
+=-------------------------------------------------------------------------=+
|  "Nietszche is dead."                                                     |
|                                                        -- God             |
+=-------------------------------------------------------------------------=+
|  If the universe is really expanding, then shouldn't I be able to find a  |
|  parking space??                                                          |
+=-------------------------------------------------------------------------=+
|  A discarded pizza box can be an excellent source of cheese               |
|                                                        -- Herb Simpson    |
+=---------------------=+=------------------=+=----------------------------=+
                        |  Alpha Epsilon Pi  |  Carnegie-Mellon University  |
                        +=------------------=+=----------------------------=+

Newsgroups: rec.humor.d