From: masterov@furnace.ecn.purdue.edu (Michael Masterov)
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re: Marriage and Parents
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:29:58 GMT
Organization: Purdue University Engineering Computer Network

In article <1992Apr16.025713.11257@nuscc.nus.sg> polsak@nuscc.nus.sg 
(Suzaina Abdul Kadir (Ms)) writes:
>I often ask around about this particular subject, but
>now that I am seriously contemplating the issue I
>need some concrete advice. I do understand that the
>fact of me being from a different culture may make my
>situation rather hard to understand. BUT I hope you'll
>bear with me and offer some pointers.
>
>>>> A long story deleted to save bandwidth <<<<<<<
>
>My SO and myself would want our parents to bless our marriage,
>who wouldn't ? But, knowing how unreasonaly my father is, I'm
>often afraid that I may end up breaking his heart over my decision
>to marry. My SO is in a more difficult position since he insists
>that he needs to know that my parents are at least 'chill' about
>the idea. He doesn't want a situation where he may have to come
>between me and my parents.
>
>Help.
>

Girl, you've got problems.  I feel justified in saying this because I am
about to face very nearly the same problem.  In my case it is my mother 
who would like me to marry someone of a certain race.  I am your age and
have been dating even longer; my father pretty much knows but my mother
chooses to ignore it because she does not see it.  While I lived at home 
I gave her little hints (like showing up at home at four in the morning 
after an evening out 'with some friends') but she never said anything.

Well, a couple of weeks from now when the semester ends I will be moving
in with someone; she is of course the wrong race.  We're not getting
married, but it may well end there.  My parents have no idea this woman
even exists.  They will be visiting me a few weeks after we move in 
together - sometime beofre that happens I will have to tell them.

As you may have guessed by now, I do not have a solution for you.  What I 
can do is share some thoughts that may or may not be relevant.

Your father will not be happy with your decision.  No matter who you
married and no matter when, it would mean letting go.  This is hard for
any parent.  The fact that your is SO is not up to his standards (whatever
they are; and we must accept that he is necessarily of the older generation
and therefore more likely to be bigoted than we can easily tolerate) and
that it is too early (by his standards, of course; but as far as he is 
concerned they are the right ones and the argument that students ought not
to marry is defensible; he will treat it as absolute) will give him an 
excuse to give his feelings free reign.  He will feel that your SO will
come between you and the family, and to some extent he will be right.  It
is inevitable; as a practical minimum you will spend more time with your 
husband and less time with your parents.  You do not have an infinite
amount of time to play with.

You would have to grow up eventually.  Of course up until this point there
was always the possibility that you would meet and fall in love with 
someone acceptable to your family and so you decided not to really deal
with the problem until it became inevitable.  That was a risk; had you
dealt with the problem right away it would not be coming as a shock to
your father now.  On the other hand, who am I to say that?  I did the 
same thing with the same results.  I'm not sure I would do anything any
differently if I started over.  But keep in mind that the fact that you
did not trust your father from the start will hurt him as well as give 
him more emotional ammunition.

Since your father does care for you, it is not likely that he would
completely abandon you.  That would most likely be too hard for him.  As
for breaking his heart - I assume you mean a deep and lasting
disappointment on his part.  Odds are that if you maintain contact with
your family after the marriage, he will eventually get over it.  He will
grow to accept your new husband, especially after you have children.
Do you really think he could ignore his own grandchildren?

I can offer you a bit of tactical advice I have been mulling over.  Try
telling your mother first, and discuss with her how best to break the
news to your father.  It may be best if she speaks on your behalf  
(and aren't daughters supposed to be able to speak more freely to their
mothers? - I know I can speak far more freely to my father...) to him
and convinces him that this is not something he can change and that it
is therefore something he has to learn to live with.  If you do this
there is bound to be a power game where he will try to assert control
over you and you will resent it and rebel.  That will lead to just the
outcome you want least.

Always remember - you are thinking in terms of asking his blessing; he is
thinking in terms of granting his permission.  Your mother has lived with
him long enough to have learned how to deal with him; she has a better
chance than you of communicating the situation to him without destroying
his ego.  The moment you tell him that you are an adult and can do as you
please with or without his blessing, you have won the battle and lost the 
war.

I wish you the best; if you want to continue this discussion in email
I'm masterov@ecn.purdue.edu.
Newsgroups: soc.couples