From: fofp@castle.ed.ac.uk (M Holmes)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves
Subject: The Debates - a Summary.
Date: 16 Oct 92 12:12:58 GMT
Distribution: alt
Organization: Edinburgh University

Welcome to tonight's debate where 209 ordinary members of the public,
distinguished only by the fact that they're still clueless about how to
vote, may directly question The Three Stooges.

Q: What will you do to ensure that we have fair competition in foreign
   markets?

P: Campaign for better work related benefits in Chinese prisons. Do you
   know they don't even get health care, maternity leave, or a
   proper pension in there?

B: Have lots of committees so that I can get everyone together and agree
   with them.

C: Obviously we'll have to subsidise modern factories so that they can
   compete fairly in world markets.


Q: How much would you reduce the deficit by? And would you enter a legal
   agreement with the electorate that you won't run again if you fail to
   acheive this?

C: No, and I'll tell you why: the best way to get rid of the deficit is
   to spend more money. If you're lucky in the way you spend more money,
   you'll get some taxes back on it. And if you get taxes, they can be spent
   on reducing the deficit. Well, except for the taxes we'll be using to
   spend more money.

P: We're going into debt by a billion dollars a day. Even while we speak
   here we'll be another 50 million Dollars in debt. Who's doing it? Well
   the Republicans say it's not them. The Democrats say it's not them
   either. Obviously it's Space Aliens! If you want to capture Space
   Aliens, then I'm your man.


Q: Why don't you guys just act nice to each other and argue about the
   issues?

P: I have this great TV show at the moment called "The Mad Bint in the
   Basement". You see the economy is like the Addams Family and that shows
   us how it's related to everyday life. No sooner have you fed the
   man-eating plant that you keep under the stairs than you discover that
   Space Aliens have borrowed the car without permission. If you want to
   keep your car safe from Space Aliens, I'm your man.

B: I would never, never stoop so low as to get negative.  But at least
   *I* didn't demonstrate against my country getting involved in frying
   babies in Vietnam.  No sireee.  I just haven't got a clue why someone
   would demonstrate against a thing like that.  Call me an old fuddy-duddy
   but there it is.  The Governor mentioned my dad the other day.  Well you
   know, my daddy said some things to me when I left home: believe in your
   Country, right or wrong, Write your mummy, and tell the truth.  Well I
   wrote off the country, believed in the truth, right or wrong, and if
   there's a problem, I'll tell my mummy. I think that's just about all you
   can ask of a President.

C: It wasn't me. He started it.


Q: When will you quit all the yammering and actually take some action to
   meet the needs of the American people?

B: well, you know, you're right, I think we should get started and talk
   about meeting the needs of the American people. 

P: See those charts? I did 'em myself!

C: I could draw charts too if I wanted to.


Q: What will you do about infrastructure?

B: Well, you know, we've made a lot of infrastructure and we've spent a
   lot of money making it. What we need is to pass the Enterprise Bill.

Q: But President Bush, you vetoed that bill!

B: Errrr, yes, so I did. But it wasn't my fault.

C: Oh yes it was....

P: I think if everybody would just hold hands, we'd get results.


Q: OK Ross, tell us how you'd get all these Republicans and Democrats
   together to get things done.

P: Let me waffle for a bit on this one....

Q: No. Answer the question.

P: Well, if everyone would just all get together and be nice then I
   think things would be much nicer.


Q: If 12 year olds are taking guns to school, is it time for gun
   control?

C: I support shooting four legged things. I do think that folks should
   be made to at least queue when they go to buy a gun though. I don't
   believe they should have assault weapons though because it's
   unsporstmanlike. Policemen should have a fighting chance.

B: The Right would shoot me if I advocated gun control so I'll talk
   about drugs instead.

P: There are almost certainly lots of plans in Washington to deal with
   this issue, and I'm the man to find 'em and carry 'em out.


Q: How has the recession personally affected you?

P: Well, it made me run for President. How much worse could things get?

B: My job is on the line....

C: I keep meeting people whose jobs are on the line...


Q: We're not gonna be able to pay for pensions or social security
   because the government has offed it with the money. What will you do
   about that?

B: Don't we have plans to deal with this sort of thing?

P: One day you'll hear this huge sucking sound. It'll probably be Space
   Aliens.

C: I have some plans of my own for this sort of thing.


Q: High school graduates are basically thick these days. What can we do?

B: Give them a choice of schools to be thick in.

C: Subsidise training programmes for the basically thick.

P: We spend around 199 billion Dollars on education. It's not going to
   the schools, and it's not going to the kids. Space Aliens probably
   kidnap it.


Q: gentlemen, your closing statements please?

B: I believe in America. I believe in the future. I believe in
   Tinkerbell.

P: There are Space Aliens in Congress.  There are probably plans to fix
   'em.  And I'm the man to do it.  Watch my TV series "The Mad Bint in the
   Basement". 
   
C: ch-ch-ch-ch-changes......Turn and face the screen...