From: biddy@ping.actrix.gen.nz (Bridget Ingham)
Newsgroups: alt.kids-talk
Subject: Re: Cross Post.  Laughter Break!
Followup-To: alt.kids-talk
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Reply-To: biddy@ping.actrix.gen.nz
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Date: 16 Dec 92 08:45:52 GMT
Organization: Private UUCP Site

In article <168BB8663.NETOPRSS@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu> NETOPRSS@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu writes:
> 
> This is something I'm posting up where I think people will find it
> interesting. On jokes, on history, and on US culture.  This is a
> compilation of actual bloopers. I did not accumulate this list,
> rather acquired it and posted it here for your laughs and your
> sorrow.
>  
>          THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
>  
> One of the fringe benefeits of being an English or a History
> teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in
> an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the
> world-certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
> throught the US...from eigth grade through college leve. Read
> carefully and you will learn a lot.
>  
> The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
> the Sarah dessert and traveled by CAMELOT. The limate of the Sarah
> is such that the inhabitant had to live elsewhere, so certain areas
> of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The egyptians built
> the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The pyramids
> are a range of mountains between Spain and France.
>  
> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
> the Bible, Guinnesse, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
> One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
> God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, on mount Montezuma.  Jacob,
> son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch
> who brought his twelve sons up to be patriarchs, but they did not
> take to it.  One of jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
> Israelites.
>  
> Pharoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
> led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
> bread made with no ingredients.  Afterwards, moses went up on Mount
> Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.  David was a Hebrew king
> skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the phiattelists a race of
> people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons,
> had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
>  
> Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
> three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also
> had myths. A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother
> of achilles dipped him in the River of Stynx until he became
> intollerable.  Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
> wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
> Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually Homer was not written by
> Homer but by another mad of that name.
>  
> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
> advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of
> wedlock.
>  
> In the olympic games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the Biscuits,
> and threw java. The rewardto the victor was a coral wreath.  THe
> government of Athens was Democratic because people took the law
> into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
> mountains were to high to see what their neighbors were doing.
> When they gought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
> because the Persians had more men.
>  
> Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
> romans because they never stayed in one place very long. At Roman
> banquets, the guests wore garli in their hair. Julius Caesar
> extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of
> March murdered him because they thought he was going to become
> king.  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects
> by playing the fiddle to them.
>  
> Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
> Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, KIng Harold exposed his troops
> before the battle of hasting, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
> Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
> Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
> twice for the same offense.
>  
> In the Midevil times most of the people were allieterate. The
> greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
> verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
> Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
> son's head.
>  
> The Renaissance was an age in whish more individuals felt the value
> of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
> at Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences.  He died a horrible
> death being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter
> Donateelo;s interest in the female nude that made him the father of
> Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
> Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
> figure because he invented the cigarette. Another important
> invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
> circumsized the world with a hundred foot clipper.
>  
> The government of Englad was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
> walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
> Elizabeth was the "virgin queen". As a queen she was a success.
> When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
> "HURRAH!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
> Armadillo.
>  
> The greatest writer of REnaissance was William Shakespeare.
> Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of
> hisplays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing
> tragedies, comedies, and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous
> plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
> soliloquy. In another, Lady MacBeth to kill the king by attacking
> his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are another example of a heroic
> couplet.  Writing at the same time as shakepear was Miguel
> Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
> mIlton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
> Paradise Regained.
>  
> During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
> great navigator who discovered America while curing about the
> Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
> Fe.  LAter, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as
> Pilgrims Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
> greeted by the INdians, who came down the hill rolling their war
> hopps before them.  The Indian Squabs carried porpoises on their
> backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
> cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was
> a hard one for the settlers, Many pelple died and many babies were
> born. Captain John Smith was responsibe for all this.
>  
> One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the ENglish put
> tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
> through the post without stamps. During the war, the redcoats and
> Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were
> barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, the colonists won
> the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
>  
> Delegates from the Thirteen Colonies formed the Continented
> Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
> two signers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone
> to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of
> bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
> backwards and declared, " A horse divided against itself cannot
> stand!" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>  
> George Washington married Martha Curtis and in dur time became
> Father of our Country. Then the Consitution of the US was adopted
> to secure domestic hostility. Under the Consitution the people
> enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
>  
> Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's
> mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
> built with his own hands.  When Lincoln was President, we wore only
> a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength" Abraham
> Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
> freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. And the
> fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clu
> Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent
> victims. It claimed it represented law and odor.  On the night of
> April 16, 1865 Lncolm went to the theater and got shot in his seat
> by on eof the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
> assinator was John Wiles Booth. A supposingly insane actor. This
> ruined Booth's career.
>  
> Meanwhile in Europe, the ENlightenment was a reasonable time.
> Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called candy.
> Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
> the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
>  
> Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
> Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
> large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music
> even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
> took long walks in the forest when everyone was calling for him.
> Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died fro this.
>  
> France was in a very serious state. The Frech Revolution was
> accomplished before it happened. The mareilaisse was the theme song
> for the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During
> the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
> their shoes. The Spanish Gorillas came fown from teh hills and
> nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
> problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
> inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she couldn't
> bear children.
>  
> The sen never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire
> is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was
> the Longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclinging
> years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
> personality. Her death was the final even which ended her reign.

How did you find all that out? If you learnt it in school and memorised it, you 
t be a computer yourself!!!!

    Bridget Ingham              biddy@ping.actrix.gen.nz
    Lower Hutt,  New Zealand
Newsgroups: alt.kids-talk