From: sykopath@leland.Stanford.EDU (Mickey)
Subject: Re: lying
Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 02:37:26 GMT

In article <1992Nov20.212212.21312@europa.asd.contel.com> draper@gnd1.wtp.gtefsd.com writes:
>Sometimes I don't no where to post things, but there isn't a group
>that primarily deals with relationships (or I don't know which one does).

Well, actually, if you expand "relationships" to include your relationship
with yourself, then I'd say this group focusses primarily on relationships...

>What do you do when you know your husband is lying to you?  

That would depend, I think, on the source of the knowledge, and the matter
on which he was lying.  If the source of the knowledge was a spiteful
and gossipy "friend" who was trying to start trouble in your marriage, then
you might do best simply to ignore it, and trust your husband to come clean
when he feels able (NOTE: this is highly risky.  Many men, perhaps even most,
seem to need help in feeling safe enough to tell the truth, especially if
it's a painful one).  On the other hand, if it's something that was completely
obvious to you because your husband isn't good at lying, then you might do
best to gently let him know that the pretense isn't holding up, and you'd
feel better about it if he'd just be up front with you...
And finally, if it's something that he's keeping from you for fear of hurting
you, you might do best just to walk up to him, say "I know this, never mind
how, but let's work it out together..." (or, just bring up the topic in 
general, and very gently make it clear that you'd be happier knowing *any*
truth than being lied to by your husband...assuming, of course, that this is
true...).

>Confront him?

Be careful with this one.  Any secret large enough to make a husband feel
that he has to lie to his wife is probably a pretty powerful thing to him...
...compounded by the guilt he may well be feeling over lying to you, for
whatever reason.  A confrontation of the form "you're lying to me, and I 
know it, and you'd better come clean now or else" might simply scare him
even more, and push him farther into denial/retreat.
On the other hand, simply leaving everything as is and waiting might lead
to a situation where he never quite gets desperate enough to tell you, and
it gets buried deeper and deeper inside...and because it never gets cleared
up, it could keep causing harm to your relationship for years.

One thing you can be virtually certain of; if you are able to remain a loving
and supportive partner through the revelation of the truth which the lie
is now covering, he'll be far happier afterward than if he continues to carry
around the guilt which he's most likely feeling...

>What if you know he is doing it to protect your feelings?

Then perhaps you politely, and as bluntly as is necessary, explain to him that 
your feelings can best be protected by honesty and trustworthyness on his part.

Without more information about the situation, it's hard to say...
...but this is what I have to suggest.

*hugs* and best wishes,

Mickey "I love the Lord, for He hears my voice, my supplications.
						     Psalm 116:1." Phoenix.
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