From: jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps
Subject: B&B:  Monday fodder
Date: 26 Jan 93 06:55:03 GMT
Article-I.D.: neptune.9301261655.AA25187
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Content-Type: text
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4beta PL16]
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     As my old uncle Elmore used to say... "there's many a
drop between the soup and the slop", or sometimes he'd say,
"Boy, what a tangled web we conceive when first we practice
to up and leave,"  or my favorite, "A stitch for a dime
means one expensive suit!"
     All of which has nothing to do with a thoroughly
enjoyable episode of "The Bold and the Beautiful":

     CAN'T KEEP A DATE STRAIGHT

     Sheila is still listening in at the door when Brooke
confides how worried she is that 'twas Eric, and not bold
Ridge, who hath conceived her nameless babe.  Ridge appears
to be worried that this issue has so unnerved the lovely
Brooke, and he is so worried that he becomes Doris Day,
saying, "Whatever will be will be!"  (A.D.)  Still, since
both of them are fertile and yet neither are fertility
experts, they decided a consultation with a specialist is in
order, and they call Doc Tracy (who's last name is Peters,
by the way.  Has that any phallic significance?)
     Doc Tracy is in the lab with the tech, and the tech is
about to cook the blood samples in the microwave.  Tracy
says I'm going to do those samples myself, and puts them in
the back of the freezer, behind several innocuous racks of
samples.  Then she gets the call from Ridge, who needs to
ask a few questions.  Ridge tells Doc Peters to bring
pictures, and Doc Tracy thinks Ridge is kinky.
     At the office, Brooke explains the conception
conniption.  You see, December 31 is exactly 9 months after
April 1st, which Eric can pinpoint accurately as the last
time we got it on!  I.e. the reception for conception was
exceptional.  Tracy takes exception, pointing out that by
conception convention, the "gestation duration" is 9 months,
but the actual temporal total is 40 weeks.  Brooke makes a
quick conception calculation, and realizes the conception
deception --  there's a 10-day difference!  Vive' le
difference, says Ridge.  So, according to your diary, when
was the last time you two did the deed?  Both of them are
unsure.
     
     (Time to check my voluminous files.  In REAL time,
which we all know doesn't really matter on a soap, my update
for Friday, April 3, 1992 finds Ridge going home and finding
a receptive and willing Brooke in a, quoting "white teddy
and sheer gown, [standing] there backlit by a romantic
fire."  As you can guess, they did what came naturally.
Where was Eric at this point?  BLIND, in a HOSPITAL BED!)
Brooke was diagnosed as being pregnant on June 1.  Now, all
you experienced mommies out there -- she had been feeling
nauseous for a "couple of weeks", which is why she went to
see the doctor.  When does "morning sickness" usually start?
If Brooke is two months pregnant on June 1 (consistent with
an April 1 conception) then the dates match up.
     So if those dates match, then Eric was laid up (no pun
intended) on April 1.  Now, remember -- the Eric "had a
chance" scene was retroactive.  And it had to be after the
"Belief" fashion show, which was in February, because Hans
Kleber, the designer they hosted at the party where Brooke
got drunk, was first mentioned at the "Belief" show.  So the
nookie date, which Eric calls April 1st, __had to be before
April 1st in real time__, because Eric had been blinded for
several days before the scene I noted above. (Ridge went to
see Eric at the hospital before going home and bopping
Brooke there.)  Not that it makes much difference, but since
they've been keeping fairly honest with the term length, if
the writers checked, they could definitely put Eric in the
right place at the right time -- mid-March, after the Belief
show but before the head injury -- and make Ridge the April
1st "Johnny-come-lately", again, no pun intended.  They
could have reversed the scene -- Brooke would have been
utterly sure Ridge was the father (9 month term baby), and
then Sheila could have overheard Doc Tracy explain the 40-
week gestation to Brooke, making Eric the number 1 daddy
candidate, freaking Brooke out in the process and forcing
Sheila to go for the switch, for which, read on.
     All of which proves I should be writing this show.)

     ALL MY MORALS JUST WENT DOWN THE DRAIN

     Karen is delivering a file to Macy, looking in the
window and realizing that was where Thorne stood when he saw
Jake and Macy sharing their ill-timed kiss, which made her
the girl behind door #2.  Saul comes out, surprising her,
and asks what she's doing.  Delivering the file, she
explains.  Saul tells her that Macy will get to it, since
she has a lot of spare time since Karen stole Thorne.  Karen
points out that the decision was Thorne's.  Saul tells her
they both should be ashamed of themselves.  Karen thinks to
herself that she'll set it right tonight.
     At the condo, Karen comes in and finds Thorne making
din-din.  And it's not Dinty Moore beef stew, either.  He
says he has something to tell her, and she says she has
something to tell him.  Thorne goes first.  He explains he's
been unfair to her and made a big mistake.  Karen believes
that he perceives -- she readies herself for the big dump.
All this time, Thorne explains, he's been going nutso over
Macy when he should have been devoting his soul, mind, and
not to mention body, 100% to her.  Karen is surprised.
Thorne promises to love, honor, and cherish, starting with a
night she'll never forget, and then demonstrating with a
deep tongue kiss a bit of what she has to look forward to in
the evening activities.  Karen backs off the revelation, but
does a great (GREAT!) job of looking torn and troubled at
the end of the scene.
     

     CAUGHT BLOOD-HANDED

     While Tracy is giving the conception consultation,
Sheila has returned to the hospital, certain that she has to
break the computer password to change the results.  Then she
thinks -- "they probably haven't even done the test yet!
Since Eric is the father, all I have to do is relabel the
blood samples, and it's done!"  (I PREDICTED THIS!  So did
Mike in Berlin.)  She gets into Mike the guard's office and
tries to break into his file cabinet to get the magnetic
card key.  Mike starts to come in.  She grabs a mag and says
she was waiting for him.  She comes on to Mike STRONG,
telling him that she couldn't wait, had to have him, NOW.
But just get two cups of coffee to get me in the mood, huh,
bubba baby?  No go, I've got to wait for a new surveillance
camera for the gene lab and install it pronto!  Sheila tells
him there are other ways to unwind, pins him against the
desk, and goes for the lips.  Mike takes some, gives some,
but then backs off, asking "What're you doing?"   She
explains that her libido is on maximum overdrive.  But not
here -- there's a private room, 207, empty.  Meet me there.
Convinced, Mike heads out first.  Glad that she got rid of
"that jerk" (A.D.), Sheila jimmies the file and gets the
card.
     She inserts the card and punches in the number code.
She's in!  She heads to the fridge and finds the blood, with
five labels (S.F., B.F., Baby F., R.F. and E.F.)  Just a
little switch, Eric, and we'll be together!  She takes the
tubes out of the fridge, peels off one label, and
congratulates Ridge on being a proud Papa as she starts to
peel label 2.  Just then, the door bursts open, and a livid
(not to mention libidinously challenged) Mike stands there,
glaring, demanding, "Sheila!!!  What are you up to?!!"
     BUSTED BIG TIME!

     Tune into tomorrow, when Count Dracusheila explains,

     "I always like a cool drink before the main course,
Mike."



============================================================
|  James G. Acker                       Occasional Genius  |
|  jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov        Regular Swimmer    |
|                                                          |
|  "Animal-based research in this field ignores the fact   |
|  that in humans much sexual behavior has little to do    |
|  with reproduction both psychologically and physio-      |
|  logically..."                                           |
============================================================