From: reb@amc.com (Bob Brunjes)
Subject: Re: REQUEST: Stuffing Recipes
Organization: Applied Microsystems, Redmond, WA
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 22:23:51 GMT

In article <1992Nov09.195308.7199@deeptht.armory.com> sparrow@deeptht.armory.com (Pasty White) writes:
>I thought I might consider trying something a little different for
>turkey stuffing this year, although nothing especially "weird".  I
>usually start with the cubes of bread in the bag or might dry and cut
>the bread myself.  I'm interested in trying a really good cornbread
>stuffing (although I'm game for white bread recipes, too), maybe
>something with sausage and/or nuts...
>   
>If this is being discussed already, please direct me, as I'm WAY
>behind.
>  
>Thanks!
>sparrow@deeptht.armory.com


Ok, ok, ok, I tried to save bandwidth, but you just can't throw all these
requests for turkey stuffing past a high priest of the Black Turkey
cult without sooner or later getting divine enlightenment.  Herewith
do I bequeath unto you the TRUE WORD on the finest foul ever to 
grease a lip.

This Thanksgiving will be the 29th anniversary of my first black
turkey.  I have prepared this critter on many other occasions than
Thanksgiving, and converted hundreds of un-believers to the TRUTH.

*****NOTE**** This is _not_ a $250 cookie recipe, a hoax, or a 
waste of time.  This _is_ a major effort, a destroyer of clean ovens,
a religious experience, and in the opinion of some, the culinary
equivalent of building the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks.  Whatever
else it is, it is the best damned turkey you will ever eat.

I pass to you the recipe as it was passed to me, but with notes to
aid you in your quest for excellence.

-------------------Black Turkey, circa 1963--------------------------

For about a dozen years, at the approach of turkey-eating season, I have 
been trumpeting to all who would listen, and to a good many who would 
rather not, that there is only one way to cook a turkey. This turkey is 
not my turkey. It is the creation of the late Morton Thompson, who wrote 
"Not as a Stranger" and other books.

This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called "The 
Naked Countess" which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten
the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. 
Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up-- 
although not as much, perhaps, as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished, 
irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, 
however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a
collection of very funny pieces called "Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player".

THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!!

This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average 
six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.

Get a HUGE turkey-- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks
as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to 
weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or butcher, cut its 
head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck 
close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. 
Also , he should leave all the fat on the bird.

When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and
pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard,
and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of 
garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know 
how much salt-- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water
and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little 
later.

About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a 
RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal 
amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp. 
confectioner's sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a 
few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass,
add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 
1 tsp. of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add 1 dash 
of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks) 

Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a 
large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three 
tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double 
this -REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.

Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, 
somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:
2 hot dry mustard
2 caraway seed
2 celery seed
2 poppy seed 
1 black pepper
2 1/2 oregano
1/2 mace
1/2 turmeric 
1/2 marjoram
1/2 savory
3/4 sage
3/4 thyme 1/4 basil
1/2 chili powder

In the same bowl, add:
1 Tbl. poultry seasoning
4 Tbl parsley
1Tbl salt 
4 headless crushed cloves
1 well crushed bay leaf
4 large chopped onions 
6 good dashes Tabasco
5 crushed garlic cloves
6 large chopped celery

Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink--and a third 
bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of 
toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 
1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the 
bird.

About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are 
recommended (Do this at your own risk - we always did! -REB). Get a 
fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your 
hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff 
the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.

Turn your oven to 500 degrees F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a 
paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the 
Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbl 
onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is 
red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink 
until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint 
the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 
350 degrees F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again.
Keep doing this until the paste is used up.

Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on 
the stove, This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 
15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted 
with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste 
with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice 
under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that 
gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This 
critter makes incredible gravy! -REB)The bird should cook about 12 
minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your 
friends and family.

As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, 
then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The
bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are
demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you've followed instructions, 
you are -REB) In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though
we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust. 

Beneath, the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany, reminding one of those 
golden-browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and 
the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve 
it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A load sound will cause 
the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The 
moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing--well, there is 
nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as 
always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.

Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson.
There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If 
there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. 
That's all there is to it. It's work, hard work--- but it's worth it.

(What follows is not part of the recipe, but is an ingredients list to
aid in shopping for this monster, or for checking your spice cabinet -REB)


Ingredients List:

1 turkey 
salt 
garlic 
4 eggs 
1 apple 
1 orange 
1 large can crushed pineapple 
1 lemon 
4 large onions 
6 celery stalks 
buncha preserved ginger 
2 cans water chestnuts 
3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs 
3/4 pounds ground veal 
1/2 pounds ground pork 
1/4 pounds 
butter 
onion juice 
1 quart apple cider

Spice List:

basil 
bay leaf 
caraway seed 
celery seed 
chili powder 
cloves 
ground coriander 
mace 
marjoram 
dry mustard 
oregano 
parsley 
pepper, black 
poultry seasoning 
poppy seed 
sage 
savory 
Tabasco 
thyme 
turmeric


Bob Brunjes		Applied Microsystems Corp
			Redmond, WA
			reb@amc.com

Newsgroups: rec.food.cooking