From: R.KITTREDGE@md-b.prime.com
Subject: Merry Christmas Part I
Reply-To: Info-Prime@Blx-A.Prime.COM
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1992 22:07:22 GMT

                     THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the nocturnal  segment  of  the  diurnal  period  preceding  the
annual  Yuletide  celebration,  and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity  was  not  in  evidence  among the possessors of this
potential,  including  that  species  of  domestic rodent known as mus
musculus.  Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
the  wood  burning  caloric apparatus,  pursuant  to  our anticipatory
pleasure   regarding   an   imminent   visitation  from  an  eccentric
philanthropist  among  whose  folkloric  appelations  is the honorific
title of St.  Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in  their  respective
accommodations   of   repose,  were  experiencing subconscious  visual
hallucinations  of  variegated  fruit  confections moving rhythmically
through   their  cerebrums.  My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal  head  coverings,  were about to take slumbrous advantage of
the  hibernal  darkness  when  upon the avenaceous exterior portion of
the  grounds there ascended such a cacaphony of dissonance that I felt
compelled  to  arise  with  alacrity  from  my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith  opened  the  barriers  sealing
this   fenestration,   noting  thereupon  that  the  lunar  brilliance
without,  reflected  as  it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation,  might  be  said  to  rival  that of the solar meridian
itself,  thus  permitting  my  incredulous  optical  sensory organs to
behold  a  miniature  airborne  runnered  conveyance  drawn  by  eight
diminutive  specimens  of  the genus rangifer, piloted by a miniscule,
aged  chauffeur  so  ebullient  and  nimble  that  it became instantly
apparent  to  me  that he was indeed our anticipated caller.  With his
ungulate  motive  power  traveling  at  what may have more vertiginous
velocity   than  patriotic  alar  predators,  he  vociferated  loudly,
expelled  breath  musically  through  contracted  labia, and addressed
each  of  the octet by his or her respective cognomen: Now Dasher, now
Dancer,  now  Prancer,  etc.,  through which structure I could readily
distinguish  the  concatenations  of  each  of  the  32  cloven  pedal
extremities.

As I retracted  my  cranium  from  its  erstwhile  location,  and  was
performing  a  180  degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved,
with  utmost  celerity  and  via  a downward leap, entry by way of the
smoke  passage.   He  was  clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
ebon   residue  from  oxidations  of  carboniferous  fuels  which  had
accumulated  on the walls thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor
I  attributed  largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he
bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His  orbs  were  scintillant  with  reflected  luminosity,  while  his
submaxillary  dermal  indentations  gave  every  evidence  of engaging
amiability.    The   capillaries  of   his  malar  regions  and  nasal
appurtenance  were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous
layers,  the  former  approximating  the  coloration of albions floral
emblem,  the  latter  that  of the prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His
amusing  sub  and  supralabials  resembled nothing so much as a common
loop  knot,  and  their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between  his incisors was a  smokingpiece  whose  gray
fumes,  forming  a tenuous ellipse  about his occiput, were suggestive
of  a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than
it  was  high,  and  when  he  waxed  audibly  mirthful, his corpulent
abdominal  region  undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup
in  a hemispherical container.  He was, in short, neither more or less
than  an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom  rendered  me  risibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain
from  so being.  By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and
rotating  his  head slightly to one side he indicated that trepidation
on my part was groundless.

Without  utterance  and  with  dispatch,  he  commenced  filling   the
aforementioned  hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of
merchandise  extracted  from  his  aforementioned  previously dorsally
transported   cloth  receptacle.  Upon  completion  of  his  task,  he
executed  an  abrupt  about  face,  placed  a  single  manual digit in
lateral  juxtaposition  to his olfactory organ, inclined his miniscule
forward  in  a  gesture  of  leave  taking, and forthwith effected his
egress  by  renegotiating  in  reverse  the  smoke  passage.  He  then
propelled  himself  in  a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical  expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered  quadrupeds  of  burden,  and  proceeded  to  soar aloft in a
movement  hitherto  observable chiefly among the seed bearing portions
of  a  common  weed.  But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately   prior   to   his   vehiculation  beyond  the  limits  of
visibility,  "Ecstatic  Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that  selfsame  assemblage,  my  sincerest  wishes  for a salubriously
beneficial  and  gratifyingly  pleasurable  period  between sunset and
dawn."

Apologies to Clemment Clark Moore