From: d6jvb@dtek.chalmers.se (Johan von Boisman)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british
Subject: Mr Jolly Lives Next Door
Date: 12 Nov 92 14:33:15 GMT
Organization: Chalmers University of Technology, Gothenburg Sweden

OK, you've waited long enough. Here it is: the Unabridged
Transcription of Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door. I did a raw
transcription of the dialogue, and James Kew filled in the
missing parts and added the visual comments.

Enjoy! (I know I have...)



Johan von Boisman          Chalmers University of Technology
d6jvb@dtek.chalmers.se     Gothenburg, SWEDEN
---------------------------------------------------------------


                         The Comic Strip Presents

                         Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door
                         =========================
                         
            By Adrian Edmondson, Rik Mayall and Rowland Rivron
                        Directed by Stephen Frears


Scene 1
-------

[Rik and Ade are following a policeman down a hospital corridor. Four other
police officers follow them. Footsteps echo.]

Rik:          Eh, what time is it?
Policeman:    Seven-thirty a.m.
Rik:          Ah, em, have you got a bar here?
Policeman:    No, sir.
Rik:          Ah.

[Rik sneaks a bottle out from under his coat and takes a large swig. Ade
tries to take it, they fight.]

Rik:          Get off, it's mine, it's mine, get off it!

[The bottle smashes on the floor. The four uniformed officers separate Rik
and Ade.]

Rik:          That was the last of the drink, you bastard!
Ade:          I bloody stole it!

[Rik kicks him in the crotch.]

Ade:          Here, you're a policeman! You could get a pub open at this
              time in the morning, couldn't you eh?

[They turn left and the policeman opens a sliding metal door. They enter
the morgue. The pathologist is standing by an examining-table, holding two
severed arms.]

Policeman:    Sir Larry...
Sir Larry:    Ah, welcome. Come in, gentlemen. Everyone's been dying to
              meet you... Haha, I always say that.

[Ade and Rik take the arms as if to shake hands.]

Sir Larry:    Thank you. Lovely, aren't they? They're a pair, you know...
              Now then, don't tell me, you're the off-license explosion.  

[Ade starts picking his nose with the hand of the arm. Rik slaps him on the
head; they start hitting each other with the arms.]

Sir Larry:    Seems awfully unsafe, the off-license trade these days.
              Still, one man's meat is another man's poison. Life goes on,
              or rather it doesn't thank God!  [holds up a severed leg] 
              Leg, anyone? ...Just joking.
Policeman:    No sir, the hotel death plunge.
Sir Larry:    Well now, he's over here, mostly.  [to Rik and Ade]  Yes,
              they're awfully good fun, aren't they?  [takes back the arms]
               Would you care to examine the body?
Ade:          Is it a girl?
Sir Larry:    Well now, it's funny you should say that.

[He pulls back the sheet from over the face of the corpse.]

Ade:          It's Fatty!
Rik:          Where did you get to? We were in the middle of a game of
              cards!
Ade:          Yeah, we got tired of waiting so we looked at yours and you
              lost! You owe us fifty quid and your car keys.
Rik:          [shaking the body]  Wake up, wake up, you, you owe us money!
Ade:          Yeah, wake up!
Policeman:    I'm afraid he's dead.
Both:         Ah.
Ade:          Well who's got his money then?
Rik:          Yeah, did you find his credit cards? He promised his to us...
              Well, we won them in a card game actually.
Ade:          So, where are they?
Sir Larry:    Well, that's the strange feature. Because when he came in, he
              was wearing nothing... but this.

[He pulls the sheet down to reveal that the corpse is wearing a black bra.]

Rik:          That's our property!
Ade:          Yeah, we rented it to him.  

[They start tugging at the bra.]

Policeman:    Gentlemen, please! Show some respect.
Ade:          Tell him that he owes us a hundred quid!
Rik:          Are you quite sure you haven't got a bar in this place?
Policeman:    Yes sir.
Rik:          [sniffs twice]  What's that alcohol smell then?
Sir Larry:    Embalming fluid.
Ade:          Barmy fluid? Right! I'll have some of that then.  [looks
              around, sniffing]  Ahaaah!

[He finds a large jar of pink fluid and drinks from it. Rik tries to take
it, they fight.]

Policeman:    Gentlemen, please. Do you know who this body is?
Rik:          Yes, it's Fatty!

[They continue fighting over the jar. Ade sticks his tongue out trying to
reach the contents.]

Policeman:    And who is Fatty?
Rik:          He is Fatty!  [leaving Ade]  Look, we don't know who he is.
              All we know is his name is Fatty and he was a client.
Policeman:    A client?
Ade:          Yeah. I think he should be grateful, we showed him a bloody
              good time!
Rik:          Yes we did, and he didn't even bloody pay!
Policeman:    What do you mean, "didn't even bloody even pay"?
Ade:          Excuse me!  

[He whips out a card and hands it to the policeman.]

Policeman:    "Looking for a good time? So are we."

[Rik and Ade look at him, grinning.]

Policeman:    "Dreamy Time Escorts."
Ade:          That's us matey!
Both:         Escorts bestcorts!!

[The titles roll. Music: Tom Jones, "It's Not Unusual", instrumental part.
The camera pans down Nelson's Column and then pulls out to follow a grubby
white van screeching around Trafalgar Square.]


Scene 2
-------

[The van drives past Heimi Henderson's off-license.]

Hood 1:       You obviously don't understand. Every off-license round here
              is supplied through Mr. Lovebucket.
Heimi:        But this is my point! It makes for absolute financial
              suicide! All the other wholesalers supply at a third of the
              cost for bulk purchase sale or return. Do you understand? A
              third of the cost! Go and tell that to your Mr. Lovebucket.
Hood 1:       You have to buy your drink through Mr. Lovebucket, otherwise
              you'll go bust.
Heimi:        How can I go bust? It's sound economic sense!
Hood 1:       Well, your shop might burn down.
Hood 2:       Yeah, bottles do break.  

[He tries to smash a bottle against the shelf but it bounces off. Heimi
takes it from him.]

Heimi:        Put it down, will you. Look, this is the fifth time you've
              been round here, and I've told you every time that I don't
              want to buy anything from your Mr. Lovejuice. But to show you
              there's no hard feelings, I'm prepared to order one crate of
              tonic water.
Hood 1:       Tonic water, is it?
Heimi:        Yes, tonic water!
Hood 1:       Tonic water, he says.
Hood 2:       Oh really, tonic water? Did you say tonic water?
Heimi:        Yes, tonic water.
Hood 2:       He said tonic water!
Hood 1:       You say tonic water, do you?
Heimi:        Yes, tonic water is what I say!
Hood 1:       If it's tonic water you want, it's tonic water you'll get. 
              [to his companion]  Come on.  [they leave]


Scene 3
-------

[The van hurtles backwards past the off-license, screeches around the
corner and pulls up in a side street. It is a small battered white Honda
van, a sign just visible underneath the grime on the side: "Dreamytime
Escorts". As the van draws to a halt Rik opens his door, vomits noisily on
the ground, and gets out with a satisfied sigh. A schoolboy comes walking
along the street, whistling jauntily. His whistling dies away nervously as
he sees Rik and Ade. They spread out across the street, arms outstretched.]

Ade:          Hahaha, come on then, come on...

[Ade runs towards the boy, who runs away.]

Rik:          Get him, get him! Faster, faster!

[Sounds of a struggle off-screen as Rik watches. Ade, struggling with the
boy, crosses our vision twice while Rik mimes the struggle. Suddenly the
boy's satchel flies into view. Rik catches it neatly and opens it so that
Ade can take out the lunch-box within.]

Ade:          Got it!

[Rik tosses the satchel aside. They walk past Heimi Henderson's soon-to-be-
opened off-license.]

Rik:          Well, it'll be open any day now, won't be long!
Ade:          God bless Heimi Henderson.
Rik:          Living above an off-license, what could be better?
Ade:          Living in one?
Rik:          You're right! We must become a lot more friendly with Heimi
              Henderson.

[They enter a dingy staircase, next to a sign: "Shirtlift Surgical Supplies
Ltd." As they walk upstairs Ade rummages in the lunch-box.]

Ade:          What have we got here then?...Cheese sandwich ...and half an
              apple.  [tosses them aside]  Good lord, you'd think he'd have
              a drink with his lunch!

[A large man is hauling an obviously heavy black plastic bag down the
stairs.]

Mr. Jolly:    Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
Ade:          Morning, Mr. Jolly!
Rik:          Morning!

[They reach the top of the stairs, where there are several office doors,
one marked "Dreamytime Escorts". Ade rummages in his pockets for his keys,
finally finding them.]

Ade:          Ha ha ha ha!

[Rik turns the door-handle; it is unlocked. He opens the door, goes in, and
shuts it. Ade follows.  The office is in a mess. There is a continuous soft
bubbling sound. Rik rummages in the bin and finds a half-full bottle of
gin. He throws it to Ade.]

Rik:          Good! Large one?
Ade:          Hehe, don't mind if I do.
Rik:          Well, that's Fatty's money out of the window!
Ade:          Yeah... and Fatty!

[Ade pours out two half-pints of gin.]

Rik:          Well, it's his own fault. You shouldn't play "Let's see who
              can fall out of the window the best?" when you're drunk.
Ade:          Not on the eighteenth floor, no.
Rik:          No.

[They gulp down the gin. Rik slams his glass down, burps, and pours himself
another huge drink. He tips the few remaining drips into Ade's glass.]

Rik:          Running a bit low on alcohol.
Ade:          Yes.
Rik:          How's that stuff we started yesterday?
Ade:          Ah, it should be finished by now.  

[They slurp down their drinks.]

Rik:          Well let's have a look at that then.  [burps]
Ade:          OK.

[They clatter over to the side of the office.]

Rik:          [off-screen]  Bloody table!

[Ade pours some murky brown liquid from a demijohn into a pint glass and
hands it to Rik.]

Rik:          Well, it's a bit flat.
Ade:          Hah! Wait just one moment!

[Ade squirts some Fairy liquid into the glass, pulls out an electric mixer
on a extending arm from the wall, whisks up the drink, and hands it back to
Rik. Rik looks at the foamy drink for a moment, sips it, and then gulps it
down.]

Rik:          That's very good! I'll have another.

[There is a sound of a lorry pulling up outside.]

Rik:          Quick!

[Rik opens the window, stands by it, and claps his hands together. Ade
flattens himself against the wall opposite the window, takes a good run-up,
and dives out of the window.]

Rik:          Brilliant.

[Ade is hurtling down in a huge rusty iron bucket on a rope. It hits the
ground with a clang. Ade looks up, slightly dazed.]

Rik:          Get some gin!

[Ade winks blearily and makes a lunge for a crate of gin as the lorry pulls
away. He doesn't get a good enough grip on it and the crate falls to the
ground with a crash. He grabs two bottles of tonic water from the crate
delivered to the off-licence as Richie pulls the bucket up.]

Rik:          Eh? Tonic?

[The bucket bumps against the wall with a clang.]

Ade:          Sorry.
Rik:          So am I!

[He lets go of the rope; Ade vanishes from view as the bucket hurtles
downwards.]

Rik:          "Lovebucket's Incredibly Sparkling Tonic Water". Well, we're
              all right for tonic water then aren't we? We're having a
              bloody tonic water party!

[He drops a bottle out of the window. It hits the metal bucket, now on its
side, and explodes. Ade scuttles out of the bucket. Rik drops the second
bottle. The force of the explosion slams the sash window shut on his
fingers. He gasps in pain, trying to pull himself free, and smashes through
the window glass with his head.]

Ade:          [entering]  Bloody hell! Heimi Henderson's taking delivery of
              exploding tonic water! That's gonna be a whacky off-license
              when it opens.  [leans on the window-frame, crunch]
Rik:          [strained]  Open the bloody window.
Ade:          Pardon?
Rik:          Open the bloody window!
Ade:          "Open the bloody window."

[He slides the window-frame up freeing Rik.]

Rik:          Ah, ah... Fingers!
Ade:          Fingers?
Rik:          Fingers.

[Ade puts his fingers, palm side up, on the window-sill. Rik slams the
window down.]

Ade:          What was that for?
Rik:          That's for the bloody tonic water! 
Ade:          I thought you dropped me in the bucket for the tonic!
Rik:          Don't be clever all the time!...  [presses down on the
              window-frame, crunch]  And come away from the window.

[Ade backs slowly and painfully away from the window; the whole window-
frame comes away with him, balancing on his fingers.]

Rik:          Now, listen...

[A church bell rings. The window slowly topples backwards and falls to the
ground around Ade's feet.]

Rik:          Quick, quick!

[Frantically and uselessly they attempt to tidy up the office. As the last
chime strikes Rik looks expectantly towards the door.]

Rik:          Come in! Hello!  [opens the door and looks out]  Hellooo... 
              [nobody there]  Business is a bit slack. Ah, hang on.

[He runs down the stairs, almost bumping into Mr. Jolly who is coming up
the stairs with another man.]

Rik:          Ah, morning Ralph! How's the fluffy toy business?
Mr. Jolly:    Who the bloody hell are you? What  fluffy... Ooh, oh,
              brilliant, yeah.  [to the man]  Ah, now are you sure nobody
              knows you're here?
German:       Ja, proffer shure, ah?
Mr. Jolly:    Yes, of corse it was... Shut up!

[Downstairs, Rik tries the bell. It rings upstairs in the office,
disturbing Ade who is busily picking his nose and sucking his finger.]

Ade:          [spreads his arms]  Come in.

[Another ring. Ade goes to the open door.]

Ade:          Come in?

[Rik is straining to hear the bell ring. Eventually he stretches his arm
out, rings the bell and dashes upstairs.]

Ade:          Come in!

[Puzzled, Ade slams the door shut. Rik tears up the stairs and goes into
the Dreamytime office. Mr. Jolly and his companion are standing outside the
door to his office: "Little Fluffy Toys Ltd. Ralph Jolly"]

Mr. Jolly:    Now, are you sure absolutely nobody knows you're here?
German:       Nein!
Mr. Jolly:    Right!

[He pushes the German in through the door and shuts it behind him.]

Rik:          [panting]  Did you hear that?
Ade:          ...Yes.
Rik:          Well, the bell's working then.  
Ade:          Oh.

[Sound of a record being put on.]  

Rik:          So, I see old Jolly's got off to an early start.

["It's Not Unusual" blares out, drowning out Rik and Ade arguing. There is
a muffled thumping sound and blood splashes the glass partitioning the
offices. The record stops with a scratch.]

Rik:          All I'm saying is that one advertisement in the Times, saying
              "What are you doing this weekend? Fancy getting drunk?" won't
              work!... You've got to put the telephone number!
Ade:          But we know the telephone number!

[A knock at the door.]

Both:         Escorts bestcorts! Come in if you're saucy!

[Mr. Jolly opens the door. He is spattered with blood.]

Mr. Jolly:    Can I, eh, borrow some Fairy liquid?
Ade:          What, ag-again?
Rik:          Shut up, shut up... Of course you can, Ralphie!  [notices the
              blood]  Ooh, you all right Ralph, have you cut yourself
              shaving?
Mr. Jolly:    I'll bring it back!

[He leaves, closing the door behind him.]

Ade:          He gets through a lot of Fairy Liquid, doesn't he? Hah!
              ...Maybe his lager's flat.
Rik:          Why must you always be so rude to Mr. Jolly? You are
              jeopardising our relationship with him.

[A squeaking sound is heard as Mr. Jolly wipes down the glass partition.]

Ade:          I'm what?
Rik:          I said you're jeopardising our relationship with Mr. Jolly...
              and stop squeaking!

[Rik slaps Ade; Ade slaps him back. They fight; Rik is about to land a big
punch when the telephone rings.]

Ade:          Ah, telephone!  [deep breath, answers 'phone]  Dreamytime
              Escorts! Ahah... ahah... 

[He opens an appointments book and starts taking notes in it.]

Ade:          Ahh, ahah... yeahaha...

[He gestures to Rik; Rik wiggles his eyebrow.]

Ade:          Ah hahahaaa, ahhahahahaaaah, ah-ahah ahhahahahaa ah, ha ha
              haah, aaaaah... Okay!

[He puts down the 'phone, slams the book closed and throws his pencil down
on the table.]

Rik:          [expectantly] What was that?
Ade:          Wrong number.  [Rik sighs]  Only joking! It's an engagement
              for this morning, ten o'clock. A Mr. Yakimoto...
Rik:          Oh God, another French bastard!
Ade:          Yes! He's at the Holiday Inn for a conference and wants two
              young attractive lithe escorts for a really  [pelvic thrust] 
              gooood time! Should be a doddle!
Rik:          Ah! Well, things are looking up!

[Rik leans his elbow on the window, forgetting it's not there any more, and
tumbles out head-first.]


Scene 4
-------

[In the van; Rik is dabbing at his nose with a bloody handkerchief. The van
pulls up on the pavement outside the Holiday Inn, knocking a man down. Rik
sniffs twice, once to clear each nostril, and tosses his handkerchief
aside. They walk into the hotel lobby; muted music is playing. Ade grabs
the receptionist by the collar as Rik lights up a cigarette.]

Ade:          Where's this Yakimoto fella?
Receptionist: One hundred and twelve.  [points]
Ade:          This way.
Rik:          Okey-dokey.

[Rik drops his cigarette and crushes it with his heel. They arrive outside
Yakimoto's room and knock on the door of the room opposite; rap-rap rap-
rap-rap, rap-rap.]

Both:         Dreamytime Escorts!  [singing]  No job too big, door to door,
              we are on the phone...

[Yakimoto opens the door behind them.]

Rik:          Haha, Dreamytime Escorts, monsieur.
Ade:          Do you want to go to the toilet now?
Rik:          Do you mind if we use your telephone?
Ade:          Come on, let's make it messy! Grrrr...  [makes pawing
              gesture]
Rik:          [down 'phone]  Get me Room Service.
Ade:          Come on, let's dance!  [dancing with Yakimoto]
Rik:          Room Service? Get me eight gins. No, better make that
              sixteen, large ones.
Ade:          Who dares gins!
Rik:          Hold on, I'll find out... What's the room number?
Yakimoto:     Nibu shi, shang hong?
Rik:          [barks]  Nibu shi shang hong!  [puts down 'phone]  OK.

[He claps his hands... Later, leaving the Holiday Inn.]

Rik:          Bloody Room Service, you can never get a drink when you want!
              Bastards.

[They get into the van.]

Yakimoto:     Sai jon, sai yon! Sai jon, sai yon...
Rik:          Oh shut up? D'you want a drink?  [opens the glove compartment
              and indicates the contents]  Drinkie? Drinkie!
Yakimoto:     Cha, cha, yam cha?  [takes a can]
Rik:          What a remarkably wise choice, sir. That'll be, ah, four
              pounds eighty.
Yakimoto:     Cha, cha?
Rik:          Well, that's very kind, yes, I'll have one myself, yes. Nine
              pounds sixty. Got a wallet, have you?  [rummages in
              Yakimoto's jacket]
Yakimoto:     Neve, burho, burho!...
Rik:          Well, that's very kind! We'll call it twenty. Thank you very
              much! What a nice man.
Ade:          Off we go!
Rik:          Off we go!

[Ade drives off backwards as Rik opens his can of beer; it sprays over the
windscreen. A musical sequence follows: Rik, Ade and Yakimoto feeding
pigeons in Trafalgar Square. Ade runs around, arms out, like an aeroplane,
while Rik throws bits of bread at him. Standing on Westminster bridge; Ade
holding a banger while Rik mimes putting a rope around his neck and hanging
himself. The firework explodes... Walking down an East-End market street,
Ade standing by an East-End fruit barrow.]

Rik:          A typical chirpy Cockney.
Ade:          Elephant and Castle - stick it up your arse-hole.

[Downing Street. Ade wobbles down the road on a bicycle.]

Rik:          Famous Number Ten Downing Street. And look, there goes
              Winston Churchill on his way to buy some cigars.

[Ade gives them the classic Churchill two-fingered salute. Big Ben chimes.]

Rik:          And they're open!

[Outside a pub - the Lord Elgin, London W9.]

Rik:          And this is what we call an old English pub! And... oh look,
              here comes Dick Turpin!

[Ade rolls up on his bike and leaps off; there is a screech of car brakes
as the bike rolls on into the road.]

Ade:          Good morning and stick 'em up! Right, I'll have a large gin.
              It's thirsty work this highwaying!

[They go inside.]

Rik:          And here we are, inside the traditional English pub! 
              [whistles]  Two large gins please, landlord.

[In a different pub.]

Rik:          Another old English pub!
Ade:          Cheers!

[Another pub.]

Rik:          And another old English pub!

[And another pub...]

Yakimoto:     [haltingly]  Another old English pub.
Rik:          That's right, mate.
Ade:          Bottoms up!

[Yet another pub - the Royal Oak. Many gins are lined up on the bar.]

Rik:          Cheers!  [Yakimoto tugs at his coat]  Yeah, this is another
              traditional old English pub, which is very close to closing
              time if you don't mind!
Landlord:     Right, I've told you four times already, we're closed, you
              two out, now!
Ade:          [grabs him by the collar]  Look, buster...
Landlord:     Brenda!

[Outside; Rik and Ade are being thrown out by the landlady.]

Brenda:       And stay out!
Rik:          [looks over the road]  Oh look! A traditional old English
              illegal drinking establishment!

[A neon sign over the door says "Neon Tepee". Rik presses the doorbell,
click-click-click, click-click. A notice above the bell reads: "Raw Sex,
Appearing live and for two days only. Don't miss them at The Neon Tepee."
...Inside the club, Raw Sex are playing on keyboard and tom-toms. The
waitresses are dressed as Indians.]

Rik:          Oi, squaw! Squaw! Over here!  [to Yakimoto]  Ha, I think
              you're gonna like it here, mate. We're regulars you know. 
              [to one of the waitresses]  Hey, Monica! Get home alright the
              other morning? Ololololo!
Both:         Hahahahaa!
Monica:       What are you talking about? What d'you want?
Rik:          Well, I think we'll indulge in two massive gins, please,
              Monica. Nothing for the French geezer.  [to Yakimoto]  Sorry
              mate, you have to be a member.  [to Ade]  Well, I think we're
              gonna have a very nice time here!
Ade:          I think we are!
Rik:          Yeah. Oh ha ha ha...

[They wave at a group of waitresses; the girls stick two fingers up in
return.]

Both:         Oh hahahahaar... 

[Monica comes back over with their drinks.]

Both:         Drinks? Cheers!

[Ade holds two beer-mats to his head, Mickey Mouse-style.]

Monica:       You know Mr. Jolly, don't you?
Ade:          Know him? Ha! He borrows our Fairy Liquid!
Rik:          Yes, we live next door to him actually, don't we?
Monica:       Do you know if he's coming in today?
Ade:          Erm, he was doing a spot of cleaning, wasn't he?
Both:         Hahahaha!
Monica:       [holding up a thick envelope]  Will you give this to him
              please, and say that someone left it for him, said there was
              a drink in it for the person who delivered it.
Ade:          Well, let's open it up then!
Monica:       Drink on the house, stupid.  [hits him on the head with her
              tray]
Rik:          Yeah, drink on the house, stupid!  [slaps him on the head]
Monica:       Right, so you just owe me for that one, then?  [points at
              Rik's drink]  Hope you've got the money this time.
Rik:          Oh, well of course, Monica. Wallet, monsieur!

[Rik snaps his fingers; Yakimoto hands him his wallet.]

Rik:          Thank you.  [empty]  Ah, I wonder if you could organise some
              sort of "Drink now, pay later" scheme, Monica?

[He tries to slurp down his drink. Monica takes it off him.]

Monica:       Come on, out, out! Out!

[Back in the van; Yakimoto is sitting between Rik and Ade. Rik is fingering
the envelope.]

Rik:          What's Mr. Jolly got that we haven't got?
Ade:          Our bloody Fairy Liquid. Ha ha ha ha ha... Oh dear.

[Rik reaches over and slaps Ade. Ade thinks for a moment and then slaps
Yakimoto. Yakimoto starts crying.]

Yakimoto:     Aahhhhh...
Ade:          Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Yakimoto:     Aahhhhhhhhh...
Both:         Shut up!

[Rik slaps Yakimoto with the envelope. It opens and banknotes spill out.]

Rik:          Bloody hell!

[They leap out of the car, leaving Yakimoto behind.]

Yakimoto:     Aaaahhhhhh... aaaaahhhhhh...

[Back inside the Neon Tepee, Rik and Ade stride up to the bar.]

Ade:          One thousand, five hundred and seventy-four gin and tonics,
              please, Monica!
Rik:          Large ones!


Scene 5
-------

[Much later. The camera pans around the interior of the Neon Tepee before
zooming into the Gent's toilet. Rik and Ade are fighting, screaming at each
other incoherently, pushing each other around. They end up on the floor,
one at each end of the urinal, leaning against the wall, hands trailing in
the trough, laughing.]

Rik:          Ah ha ha ha! I haven't enjoyed myself so much for years.
Ade:          And it's your round!
Rik:          Hooray! How much money have we got left?
Ade:          I'll have a look... We have got... Four quid... and a note
              for Mr. Jolly.
Rik:          Oh, what  does it say?
Ade:          It says:  [reading with difficulty]  "Tek out misha", er,
              eh...
Rik:          Well it's upside down.
Ade:          Well it's bloody useless then, isn't it!

[Rik takes the note, turns it right side up, and reads it.]

Rik:          "Dear Mr. Jolly, here's three thousand quid."

[He points at himself and Ade. They giggle.]

Rik:          "Take out Nicholas Parsons. Tonight. BBC TV Centre, six
              o'clock."
Ade:          Mr. Jolly's gonna be pretty annoyed when we give him the note
              and  [holds up a few pound notes]  eight quid!
Rik:          Nicholas Parsons! Why does Mr. Jolly get all the best jobs?
Ade:          What are we gonna say to Mr. Jolly?
Rik:          Nicholas Parsons!
Ade:          Yeah, we're gonna say: "Nicholas Parsons"!...That's not gonna
              get us very far, is it? We've drunk all his money! What are
              we gonna do?
Rik:          [conspiratorially]  Don't tell him!
Ade:          Well what about Nicholas? He's expecting someone to take him
              out. He's probably tired and sweaty after a long day in the
              studio. Waiting somewhere... fruitlessly.
Rik:          [sadly]  Poor Nicholas...  [brightens up]  Well, we must do
              it!
Ade:          Of course!
Rik:          Escorts - bestcorts!
Ade:          It's the chance of a lifetime!
Rik:          It's the pinnacle of escorting! Nicholas Parsons!
Ade:          Ah-hahahahaaaaaah!
Rik:          Come on!

[They run out of the toilets, yelling.]

Both:         Nicholas Parsons! Nicholas Pars- ah.

[Rik notices they have run the wrong way; they run back through the club
towards the exit.]

Both:         Nicholas Parsons! Nicholas Parsons! Nicholas- whooop!

[They clatter down the stairs. Outside, two police officers are talking to
Mr. Yakimoto.]

Yakimoto:     Obo, yu!
Both:         [running over]  Nicholas Parsons, Nicholas Parsons!
Ade:          Police.
Rik:          Ah, good, officer, you found our van! It was stolen, you
              know. In fact he stole it.  [points to Yakimoto]
Ade:          Yeah!

[Ade grabs Yakimoto and pulls him away. Rik takes a swing at the policeman
but misses wildly and falls over.]

Policeman:    Take him away!  [to Rik]  Are you drunk, Sir?
Rik:          Of course I am, I'm out of my bloody mind, I am! I just spent
              three thousand quid in there!
Ade:          It's all right, officer, he's not driving! I am.

[He runs around to his side of the van and climbs in next to Rik.]

Policeman:    Are you sure you're alright to drive?

[Rik pukes over him; they drive off. Meanwhile, in a small yellow bubble-
car, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are driving to London.]

Mr. Cooper:   Hey-up, I told you it would only take us six and a half
              hours.
Mrs. Cooper:  He's so handsome, isn't he? "We'd like to spend an evening
              with Nicholas Parsons because we respect him. And we feel
              sure that he would respect us, as loyal and devoted fans." To
              think they chose our entry out of the thousands and thousands
              of others!  [sighs]  Oh, imagine, an evening for two in
              London with Nicholas Parsons! And to think it was only
              fourteen years ago we were presented to Mr. Roy Castle,
              weren't we?
Mr. Cooper:   And it does eighty-six miles to the gallon.
Mrs. Cooper:  Now, they said we had to meet Nicholas outside BBC TV Centre
              at six o'clock.
Mr. Cooper:   Mind you, that's the beauty of a two stroke engine.
Mrs. Cooper:  You will get us there on time, my love? My little
              "chauffeur"...
Mr. Cooper:   [pats the steering-wheel]  Safest car in the world. 

[Suddenly Rik and Ade's van cuts in from the fast lane, knocking them off
the road. Their car screams down the embankment, exploding into flames when
it hits the bottom. Rik and Ade pull up at a pelican crossing in Shepherd's
Bush. An old man with a walking-stick is crossing slowly.]

Rik:          Which way to the BBC, you old git?
Man:          Um, that way, gov', and turn left.
Rik:          All right, thank you.
Ade:          [shouts]  And have a nice day!

[He zooms away, knocking the old man down. Cut to a view of the Cooper's
blazing bubble-car; sirens sound. Fade back to the van, pulling up outside
BBC TV Centre. Nicholas Parsons is standing outside, obviously waiting for
someone. Rik and Ade leap out and rush over to him.]

Ade:          Nicholas, Nicholas, it's us! We're here.
Parsons:      Oh, hello?
Ade:          Come on! Looking for a good time? So are we. We've got the
              cash! 

[He holds up two pound notes and waves them.]

Parsons:      No, no, it's, its all right, the, the  BBC are paying.
Rik:          It is, isn't it?
Parsons:      What?
Rik:          It's Nicholas Parsons!
Parsons:      Yes... I'm Nich...
Rik:          It's Nicholas bloody Parsons. Look, everybody, it's Nicholas
              bloody Parsons! We're gonna take out Nicholas Parsons.
Parsons:      Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations. Eh, my
              car's over there...
Ade:          No, Nicholas, you... get in here...  [indicates the van]
Rik:          That's right! You drink, we drive!
Parsons:      In here?.. but... I ...  [they bundle him in]  Ooohhh.
Rik:          Right, where do you wanna to go? Mad Kenny's all-night
              drinker?
Ade:          Fatty Amal's kebab and off license?
Rik:          Or, ah, straight to the peep show?
Parsons:      Well, actually, I have reserved a table for three at the
              Dorchester...
Rik:          The Dorchester!
Parsons:      Yes, the Dorchester.
Ade:          The Dorchester with Nicholas bloody Parsons!
Rik:          Brilliant!
Ade:          Let's go!
Parsons:      Ooooh...

[They zoom off. Lovebucket's black Citroen follows.]


Scene 6
-------

[At the Dorchester; elegant music plays. Muffled conversation is punctuated
by the clinking of glasses and cutlery.]

Rik:          And she said: "Well I don't think you're a fishmonger. I
              think you've got a plop in the wrong lavatory!"
Ade:          Hahaha, pffftt!
Rik:          Ah dear... So, Nicholas, I hear they're making "Sale of the
              Century" into a film.
Ade:          Hey, Nicholas, look, I can light my fart!

[He lights a match, drops it, and farts. A sheet of flame results.]

Parsons:      [coughing]  What exactly, eh, was your winning slogan?
Rik:          "Never, ever, bloody anything, ever!"
Parsons:      And that was your winning slogan?
Rik:          That's the one, Nicky. I've lived my life by that rule!
Ade:          Hey, Nicholas, I wonder if I can light my burps?

[He lights another match and burps on it; it goes out. He collapses under
the table.]

Parsons:      "I would like to spend an evening with Nicholas Parsons
              because... 'Never, ever, ever, bloody anything ever'"?
Rik:          You're pissed, aren't you, Nicholas?
Ade:          [reappearing]  Hey, Nicholas!  [lights a fire in the ashtray]
               I'm a fire extinguisher!  [pours his drink over it] 
              Hahahaha...
Rik:          So, Nicholas. I suppose you spend most of your time opening
              supermarkets and heliports these days?
Parsons:      Well, yes, you, you know how it is, yes, eh... As a matter of
              fact, tomorrow I am opening an off-license.
Rik:          You're opening an off-license!
Parsons:      Yes, an off-license.
Rik:          God, imagine being so important you can open an off-license!
Ade:          And we're with him right now, aren't we, Nicky-baby?
Rik:          Come on, let's go and have a tattoo!
Ade:          Yeah, one that says "I've been out with Nicholas Parsons"!
Rik:          [points to Parsons]  You can have one that says: "It's true.
              I was the bloke that took them out."
Ade:          Yeah, we can worry about the spelling later...
Rik:          And then we'll go over to your place and drink all your
              Scotch.
Parsons:      Well, I...
Both:         Come on!  [they charge out, knocking over tables]  Get out of
              the way! Out the way, out the way... Come on, come on, yeah,
              hurrah, this is Nicholas Parsons! Get out, come on, move it,
              move it...

[Mr. Lovebucket, hiding behind the lamp on his table, watches them leave.]


Scene 7
-------

[Nicholas Parsons' house. Rik is pouring himself a large gin.]

Ade:          Yes, yes, yes, it's a fantastic house, Nicholas!
Parsons:      Oh, thank you...
Ade:          Now, have you got any dirty films?
Parsons:      [shocked]  No!
Ade:          You bastard!  [goes out of view and pukes]
Parsons:      Oh, I, I say... Are you alright?
Rik:          I know, Nicholas...
Parsons:      What ?  [Rik seats him on a sofa]  Yes?
Rik:          Let's have some fun.
Parsons:      Wha-what kind of fun?
Rik:          Let's play a game.
Ade:          Not Fatty's game!
Rik:          No, no, no, no, that's alright, not Fatty's game, you're
              alright with us, Nicholas.
Parsons:      Wh-wh-what, er, what is this game?
Rik:          Well, these are the rules:
Parsons:      Yes?
Rik:          I go out of the room.
Parsons:      Yes.
Rik:          And then...
Parsons:      Yes?
Rik:          I come back in.
Parsons:      Yes.
Rik:          You got that?
Parsons:      Yes...
Rik;          Right. I'll go first...

[He winks, stands up with some difficulty, takes one step and falls down,
knocking over a coffee-table. He crawls away. There is a crash of crockery;
Ade, standing by a dresser, sweeps back the hair from his forehead
revealing a blue-lettered tattoo.]

Ade:          The stupid bastards! They've put it on the wrong way round!

[He slumps forwards and we see that we are seeing his reflection in a
mirror. He turns around; the tattoo reads "I been uot with Nichola
Parsons".]

Ade:          More Scotch!
Parsons:      [on the telephone]  But you're my agent, you've got to do
              something! Well, they're the strangest Mr. and Mrs. Cooper
              I've ever met. Are you sure they're not Terry Scott's
              winners?
Rik:          [shouting from upstairs] Hey Nicholas, some of these toilets
              have got taps on!
Parsons:      I can't call the police.  [sound of breaking glass]  If they
              caught me here with these two, it'd ruin my reputation. I
              mean, I'm, I'm a family entertainer, remember? You've no idea
              what...  [sound of someone falling down the stairs]  Oh, my
              God, it's, it's getting worse...
Rik:          You wanna watch those stairs, Nicholas.
Parsons:      [more breaking glass]  Well, you've got to do something,
              they're breaking the place up!
Ade:          Nicholas!
Parsons:      Yes?
Ade:          This bottle is empty. Have you got one that's exactly the
              same, but unopened?
Parsons:      I haven't got any more bottles!
Ade:          Right. Good night.  [drops bottle]
Parsons:      Good night?
Rik:          [leaving]  Good night, Nicholas.
Parsons:      Oh, good night!

[Outside. Parsons watches from the doorway as Rik and Ade stumble to the
van.]

Rik:          Good night, Nicholas...
Ade:          "And now... pissed from Norwich..." Ha, ah ha ha! Look! It's
              Nicholas Parsons!
Rik:          Home, James, and don't spare the monkeys!
Ade:          Where's the van?

[They get into the van, singing the "Sale Of The Century" theme tune. Ade
starts the van, revs it up, and slumps fast asleep on the steering-wheel.]


Scene 8
-------

[Early morning. Lovebucket's hoods are at work in a field digging a grave.
Lovebucket's car - a large black vintage Citroen - draws up. Mr. Lovebucket
gets out. He is smartly dressed in polished white shoes, white suit and
slicked-back hair. He bends down to flick an imaginary speck of dust off
his shoe. Lovebucket walks over to the grave; one of the hoods hurries over
and places a breakfast table in front of him.]

Lovebucket:   I can't eat this.

[He tosses the plate aside and picks up the coffee-pot.]

Hood:         Is it too cold Mr. Lovebucket?
Lovebucket:   I'm sure it's very tasty, but I'm just in a bad mood. Anyone
              for coffee?
Others:       Oh, yes please, Mr. Lovebucket!

[Lovebucket pours the coffee into the grave and drops the pot in after it.]

Lovebucket:   Now then, Reg, Norman, Ron, Hilary. As you know, last week
              someone wrote on the back window of my car: "Mr. Lovebucket
              is a wanker". Now, I don't understand this, because... I'm
              married. So not only is it very wrong, it's also very unkind.

[He takes a tiny coffin from his top pocket.]

              So I think whoever did this has to be made to regret it.

[He puts the coffin away again and picks up a pair of long-handled
pruners.]

              Now, thanks to my contacts in the Metropolitan Police, I was
              able to get forensic analysis of the fingerprints involved,
              so... I know who you are... and.. you know who you are. So,
              why don't you step forward, Reg?

[He opens the blades of the pruners. Reg steps forward and puts his index
finger between the blades.]

Reg:          I'm sorry, Mr. Lovebucket.
Lovebucket:   [with a wicked grin]  I know you are...  [cuts off finger]
Reg:          Aieehh, ohh... ha ha, ha hooooww...

[Lovebucket brandishes the pruners high in the air. Back at the house, Ade
wakes up. The van leaps forward with a grinding of gears.]

Lovebucket:   Nobody... but nobody lays a finger on my car. 

[He puts the finger into the tiny coffin, taps the lid, and tosses it into
the grave.]

Hood:         [looking through binoculars]  They're leaving the house, Mr.
              Lovebucket.

[Rik and Ade drive crazily through the lanes, finally crashing into the
rear of Lovebucket's car. They get out.]

Ade:          What the bloody hell kind of driving do you call that!? Show
              us your bloody license!

[They start kicking the car.]

Ade:          Yeah, where did you get your license? In a cracker?
Hoods:        Shut up!

[The hoods start beating them up.]

Rik:          Oh, it's a fight you want is is? Oof! That's it, that's it!
              We surrender.
Lovebucket:   Good morning.
Rik:          [nervously]  Good morning... Sir.
Lovebucket:   Which one of you is Mr. Jolly?
Rik:          Eh?
Lovebucket:   Yesterday, I paid you three thousand pounds.
Rik:          Oh, er, I am Mr... Or rather he is Mr. Jolly. Ah, Mr. Jolly,
              there's someone to see you. I'm just Mr. Jolly's assistant.
              Could I have your name please?
Lovebucket:   Quiet you!
Rik:          There's a Mr. Quietyu to see you Mr. Jolly, it's a Hungarian
              I think. I'll just go away...

[He tries to sneak away; the hoods drag him back.]

Lovebucket:   Where's the body?
Ade:          Er, under the head?
Lovebucket:   No, I mean Nicholas Parsons' body.
Ade:          Er, under Nicholas Parsons' head?
Rik:          Under the Parsons' nose, as it were!  [a hood hits him]
Lovebucket:   Look, where is Nicholas Parsons' head, Nicholas Parsons' body
              and Nicholas Parsons' nose?
Ade:          Er, probably in bed. We had a bit of a rough night last
              night.
Lovebucket:   Look, did you or did you not take out Nicholas Parsons?
Ade:          Yes!
Lovebucket:   You did?
Ade:          Yeah, we took him to the Dorchester!
Lovebucket:   I know, but did you take him out?
Ade:          Yeah, look, I've got the tattoo to prove it!
Lovebucket:   No no, I meant take him right out.
Ade:          Take him right out? What, Dorking?
Lovebucket:   No no, I meant "Kill him".

[The hoods chuckle.]

Both:         Oh, kill him, haha...

[They try to run. The hoods drag them back and throw them against the side
of the van.]

Lovebucket:   Now if you don't kill Nicholas Parsons by twelve o'clock,
              I'll kill you. Make it tidy.  [places gun on roof of van  Or
              if you can't do that, make it messy.  [adds a chainsaw]
Reg:          Yeah. And if you can't make it messy, make it... noisy.  [two
              hand-grenades]
Hood:         And if you can't make it noisy, make it stupid.  [fluffy
              rabbit]
Lovebucket:   Any questions?
Rik:          Er, I don't think so. Eh, how about you?
Ade:          No.
Lovebucket:   Right then. Do it!
Hoods:        Do it! Do it! Do it!
Ade & Rik:    [joining in]  Do it! Do it! Do it... Kill Nicholas Parsons!

[Ade starts up the chainsaw, and puts it on the dashboard of the van. 
Lovebucket kneels by his smashed car, crying.]

Lovebucket:   Oh, my beautiful baby...

[He kisses it. The van reverses, smashing into the car, before Ade gets it
in gear and they set off towards the house.]


Scene 9
-------

[The van pulls up in the road outside Nicholas Parson's house.]

Rik:          Go, go! This time we're gonna do it. This is for real. Right,
              come on! Do it! Do it!

[Ade revs the chainsaw noisily as they run up to the house.]

Rik:          Quiet! Be quiet! Keep the noise down, we're supposed to take
              him by surprise! Hide, hide.

[Ade hides around the corner as Rik rings the doorbell.]

Rik:          Right, Parsons, you're dead!

[He points the gun dramatically before realising that  a woman has opened
the door.]

Rik:          Bloody!...

[Ade leaps out brandishing the chainsaw.]

Rik:          ...because we've got a chainsaw. Got any jobs you want doing
              with a chainsaw?
Ade:          Pruning?
Rik:          Er, er, chopping sexies in halves...
Ade:          Ironing?
Woman:        Thank you very much boys. I'm not silly...

[She closes the door. They turn away dejectedly, and then notice a nearby
telephone pole. They look up at the pole, back at one another, and run
towards the pole. Ade starts to saw it through as Rik looks up at it, runs
towards the house counting off the distance, draws an imaginary cross on
the doorstep and rings the doorbell. Rik calls through the letterbox.]

Rik:          Look up. Look up!

[Parsons opens the door in his dressing-gown, just as the chainsaw cuts
out. Rik looks at him rather sheepishly.]

Rik:          Ah, er... Hah. Morning, Nicholas.  [they wave]  Hah, we,
              we're just leaving... Bye.

[Parsons closes the door. Ade, standing against the pole, shrugs; Rik
punches him in the stomach. Ade doubles up and falls down. Later, back in
front of the door...]

Rik:          How long does it take Parsons to get from the breakfast table
              to the front door?
Ade:          I don't know.
Rik:          Right, I'll mime it: "Yum yum yum yum yum, pitter patter
              pitter patter, open the door". How long was that?
Ade:          I don't know, I wasn't timing it!
Rik:          Well, we'll call it five seconds.
Ade:          Ok, it was five seconds.
Rik:          And how long is the fuse on these things?  [holds up hand-
              grenades]
Ade:          About ten seconds!
Rik:          Right, I'll count to five and you stick these through the
              letter-box.  [pulls out the pins and hands the grenades to
              Ade]  One, two, three, four, five.

[Rik rings the doorbell. Ade tries to put the grenades through the
letterbox but they're too big.]

Rik:          No, through, through! Push them, push them, out, push them!
              Right, take them out, take them out! Put them in your
              pockets, put them in your pockets and run over there. Run
              very quickly. Run run run. Off you go, off you go. Bye bye
              bye.

[Rik holds his hands over his ears and cowers at the door. Parsons opens
the door.]

Rik:          Ahh.

[Cut to Ade who is standing on the grass with his arms spread wide. The
grenades in his pockets explode.]

Rik:          Er, Happy Birthday!
Parsons:      Ahh, dhhh, oh!

[He  goes back in, slamming the door behind him. Later...]

Rik:          Now this is the master plan:  [places fluffy rabbit on porch]
               Parsons bends down to see what it is, and you smash his
              brain out with this.  [puts down pickaxe]  What do you think?
Ade:          It's a scorcher!

[Ade takes up his position around the corner. Rik rings the door bell.
Nobody answers. Rik kneels and calls through the letterbox.]

Rik:          Nicholas! Nicky Wicky Wicky Wicky! Cherie?

[Parsons is leaving by the back door.]

Parsons:      Darling, I've got to go! Just stay upstairs until I get back.

[He slams the door. Cut to view through the frosted glass of the front
door; there is a wet thud, a muffled cry, and a pair of blood-stained hands
scrape down the glass. Parsons gets into a waiting helicopter and flies
off.]

Rik:          Oh, God, oh God, ah, gah, ah...
Ade:          I really am very sorry...

[The helicopter flies off. Cut to the hoods waiting in Lovebucket's car.]

Reg:          They've let him go! Parsons' off in a chopper!
Lovebucket:   The bastards, let's get them.

[Back at the house...]

Rik:          Follow that helicopter!

[Lovebucket's car pulls up outside the house. Rik and Ade run for the road
and get in the van. The hoods get out as the van tears off down the lane.]

Hood:         It's the Jolly brothers!

[The telephone pole falls on Lovebucket's car. Lovebucket faints.]


Scene 10
--------

[A chase scene with seventies-style bongo music. Rik and Ade are tearing
along the country lanes in the van .]

Rik:          Faster! Faster, faster!

[The van bumps over a crossing, knocking a signpost.]

Rik:          Well, this is a turn-up for the books, isn't it?
Ade:          Yeah, you'd have thought he'd have shown us his chopper last
              night!

[Lovebucket's car, with the telephone pole still on the roof, is in hot
pursuit.]

Rik:          Faster, he's getting away!

[The van skids and plough into a fence.]

Rik:          I said "Faster"!

[Lovebucket's car pulls up across the road behind them.]

Rik:          Oh, my God!

[The hoods start shooting at them. Ade struggles to get the van into gear
again.]

Rik:          Get me out of here, get me out of here. Quick, before I shit
              my pants.  [pffrrrrtttt]  Too late...  [Ade flaps his hand] 
              Get me out of here. Oh God, oh God, oh God...

[Cut to Parson's helicopter. Parsons points and opens the door.]

Parsons:      Laurie, that's it, down there.

[Back in the lane. Lovebucket's car is stuck across the road. The hoods are
struggling to get it free.]

Hood:         No, go back! No, the other way!... No, the other way... Oi,
              wait!...

[Rik is in the back of the van looking through the open door. The van is
going backwards.]

Rik:          Keep going straight, keep going... Can't you go any faster?
Ade:          No!
Rik:          Come on! Faster, fast... Careful! Careful! Go left! Go left!
              Go left!

[Parsons descends from the helicopter on a rope ladder, in front of Heimi
Henderson's off-license.]

Parsons:      Ahhh, hello everybody. Thank you, thank you... There's nobody
              here!?

[In the van.]

Rik:          There's nobody in the way, you turd. Go on, on, on. Faster,
              faster, faster!

[Heimi's shop. The door is closed with a metal gate. A life-size cardboard
cut-out of Nicholas Parsons is visible through the gate.]

Parsons:      Mr. Henderson!

[Back in the van.]

Rik:          Look, can't you make this bloody machine go any faster?
Ade:          No, I bloody can't!
Rik:          Well, we'll forget the whole bloody thing then! 

[He closes the door. The van drives up a ramp, ending up on its side in a
skip. Ade's head pops up through the topmost window.]

Ade:          [shrugging]  Sorry!


Scene 11
--------

[Nicholas Parsons, looking for any signs of life, enters the stairwell
leading to the Dreamytime office.]

Parsons:      Mr. Henderson!  [walks up the stairs]  Mr. Henderson! Mr...
              God, what a place! Mr. Henderson!

[More bongo music. Ade and Rik are running along the street. Ade disappears
into a corner pub while Rik continues running round the corner. Ade comes
out of the pub's other door carrying two pints of beer. They drink them
straight down, sigh, toss the glasses over their shoulders and continue
running. Parsons knocks on Mr. Jolly's door. Mr. Jolly's outline is visible
through the frosted glass; he is wearing a bloodstained apron and carrying
a large meat-cleaver.]

Mr. Jolly:    Who is it?
Parsons:      Er, Nicholas Parsons.
Mr. Jolly:    Fuck off!
Parsons:      I said Nicholas Parsons.
Mr. Jolly:    I know. Fuck off! I don't care if you're Bob Monkhouse. Fuck
              off!

[A shot of Ade and Rik, still running.]

Parsons:      Do you think I could use your telephone?
Mr. Jolly:    [coming out] Do I have to spell it out? F-U-...
Parsons:      No, no, you've made that abundantly clear.
Mr. Jolly:    Look!... Anybody know you're here?
Parsons:      Apparently not!
Mr. Jolly:    [motioning]  Come on in...
Parsons:      Oh, thank you very much! I hope I'm not interrupting your
              lunch...
Mr. Jolly:    Entrer, my lovely!...

[He goes in and closes the door behind them. Ade and Rik run up the stairs;
Ade fumbles for his keys, Rik pushes the door open.]

Rik:          Get in!

[In their office.]

Rik:          Right, made it, get the suitcases, we're going to Rio!
Ade:          But what are we gonna do? We'll never find Nicholas Parsons
              before twelve o'clock!
Rik:          I just told you, we're going to Rio. Now, pack everything!
Ade:          Yes, but what are we going to do?
Rik:          We are going to bloody Rio!
Ade:          [hysterically]  What are we gonna bloody do?
Rik:          Shut up! Take it easy.

[Ade sweeps off the table with his arm, lies on it, and folds his arms
behind his head.]

Ade:          What are we gonna bloody do?

[Lovebucket and his hoods enter the stairwell. They get in the elevator.]

Rik:          Well, none of this would have happened if you'd killed
              Nicholas Parsons properly.
Ade:          [stuffing demijohns into suitcase]  Don't seem to be able to
              get these demijohns in without smashing them!  [smashes them
              with a hammer]
Rik:          Oh, God...

["What's New, Pussycat" blares out from Mr. Jolly's office.]

Rik:          If only we'd had-  [drowned out by music]

[Lovebucket and the hoods get into the lift. Rik and Ade run out onto the
landing, carrying suitcases and wearing sunglasses.]

Rik:          Wait, wait, we'll take the lift. That way nobody will spot
              us!
Ade:          Good thinking.

[They wait for the lift to arrive.]

Rik:          I wish I hadn't shat my pants!

[Ting! The lift arrives. They pull back the gates to find Lovebucket and
his hoods. Rik slams the gates closed and they rush into the office,
slamming the door behind them. Rik frantically tries to pull the blind down
over the glass in the door. The hoods open the gates and Lovebucket knocks
at Mr. Jolly's door. Rik and Ade watch through the glass partition. The
music stops abruptly with a scratch and Mr. Jolly comes to the door,
resting his cleaver against the glass.]

Mr. Jolly:    Yeah?
Lovebucket:   We're looking for Mr. Jolly.
Mr. Jolly:    Are we talking "fluffy toys"?
Lovebucket:   Ehh, we're talking a very fluffy toy...
Mr. Jolly:    Come on in then... Excuse the mess... I had my godchildren
              around... ah, little rascals.

[Inside Jolly's office. Blood-stains are everywhere. The main feature is a
large plastic-covered table, also stained with blood. Mr. Jolly, wearing a
stained butcher's apron, stands in front of a metal cabinet in the corner
of the room. On the wall nearby is a faded picture of Adolf Hitler.]

Lovebucket:   Now then, ah, where is Mr. Jolly?
Mr. Jolly:    I'm Mr. Jolly.
Lovebucket:   Eh?

[Rik sneaks out of the office door, beckoning Ade on behind him.]

Rik:          [whispers]  Very quiet! Quietly.

[He sees the hoods on the landing and pushes Ade back.]

Rik:          Go back, quietly!

[They go back in and shut the door.]

Rik:          God, oh God!

[Ade sticks a wicker waste-paper basket on his head; Rik tries to get into
it as well and they break it.]

Rik:          Up there!

[They climb up on a filing cabinet and peer through into Mr. Jolly's
office, trying to hide behind a plant.]

Lovebucket:   Now, let's get this straight. You're saying you are Mr.
              Jolly?
Mr. Jolly:    Of course I am. Now, what about this three grand?
Lovebucket:   Are you sure?
Mr. Jolly:    Of course I'm sure! Now, what about the money?
Hood:         He ain't Mr. Jolly.
Mr. Jolly:    I am Jolly!
Hood:         You don't look very jolly.
Mr. Jolly:    Look, just because my second name is Jolly doesn't mean I
              have to be jolly all the fucking time!

[Parson's arm slips out of the cupboard; Mr. Jolly shifts backwards and
pushes the door closed again. Reg, standing by the door of Mr. Jolly's
office, sees the leaves of the plant moving next door. He opens the door
and speaks to the hoods outside.]

Reg:          Here, better check out that office!

[He points with his bandaged hand, forgetting the index finger is missing.
The hoods race off in the direction his thumb indicates. They burst into
the Dreamytime office to find it empty. Rik and Ade are lowering themselves
in the metal bucket.]

Rik:          Faster faster, faster, faster, come on, come on, come on,
              come on, get me down there you total git, come on!

[The bucket lands with a clang outside the off-licence. They run off, see
the posters on the windows, and run back.]

Ade:          Nicholas Parsons!
Rik:          Nicholas Parsons at Heimi Henderson's!
Ade:          Nicholas Parsons is coming here today!
Rik:          Rum, six pounds forty!

[Heimi is just opening up.]

Ade:          Heimi, Heimi, is it true?
Heimi:        Yes it is! Nicholas Parsons is coming here today!
Rik:          But this is a dream come true! Come on!
Ade:          Come on!
Heimi:        Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, I know you're excited...

[He stands the cut-out of Nicholas Parsons in their way.]

Heimi:        But you'll just have to be patient!
Ade:          Patience my bottom!
Rik:          [moves cut-out aside]  Hit him! 

[Ade hits Heimi; he falls down.]

Ade:          Come on!

[They go into the off-license and admire the stock.]

Ade:          Matheus Rose, Hirondelle, Paul Masson! All the greats!
Rik:          This is fantastic! All we have to do is hole up here, wait
              for Nicholas Parsons to arrive, and then kill him.

[Heimi enters, holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose.]

Heimi:        [nasally]  I beg your pardon?
Rik:          Kill him! Erhh, no, er, oh God, um, er...

[He shoots Heimi repeatedly. Upstairs in Mr. Jolly's office the shots are
still audible.]

Lovebucket:   If you're Mr. Jolly, where's Nicholas Parsons?
Mr. Jolly:    Oh, I just killed him.
Lovebucket:   You're a liar!
Mr. Jolly:    Have it your own way...
Lovebucket:   What is going on?

[Back in the off-licence. Rik is holding the gun gingerly; he lets off
another shot.]

Rik:          Oh my God, I've just killed somebody!
Ade:          Yes.
Rik:          I mean, you've just killed somebody...  [puts gun in Ade's
              hand]
Ade:          Did I?
Rik:          Yes.
Ade:          Bloody hell, I need a drink!
Rik:          So do I.
Ade:          What do you fancy? Gin and tonic?
Rik:          That'll do nicely.

[Rik holds up a bottle of gin.]

Ade:          Ha.

[Ade takes a bottle of "Lovebucket's Incredibly Sparkling" tonic water and
shows it to Rik.]

Ade:          Ha?
Rik:          Ha-ha!

[Ade smashes the neck of the bottle on a shelf. A huge explosion blows all
the windows out of the off-licence. Fade to black.]


Credits
-------

[Music: "It's Not Unusual", instrumental. Rik and Ade walk slowly towards
the camera along a canal tow-path.]

                 Dreamy Time Escorts   Rik Mayall
                                       Adrian Edmondson
                           Mr. Jolly   Peter Cook
                      Mr. Lovebucket   Peter Richardson
                    Nicholas Parsons   Nicholas Parsons
                              Monica   Jennifer Saunders
                         Mrs. Cooper   Dawn French
                          Mr. Cooper   Michael Cule
                        Mr. Yakimoto   Basil Ho Yen
                     Heimi Henderson   Thomas Wheatley
                                 Reg   Gordon Kane
                              Hilary   Gerard Kelly
                                 Ron   Granville Saxton
                              Norman   Basil Otoin
                           Sir Larry   Philip Locke
                           Policeman   Ian Bartholomew
                  German Businessman   Tommy Windward
                              Brenda   Harriet Thorpe

                  Production Runners   Ben Barker
                                       Kevin de la Noy
                           Stagehand   Ken Morrish
                           Carpenter   Steve Rice
                             Painter   Brian Gilmore
                             Propman   Bert Gadstone
                          Prop Buyer   Lesley Fulford
                              Stills   John Brown
                         Electrician   Mike Hillbrown
                   Make-up Assistant   Miri Ben Shlomo
                  Wardrobe Assistant   Sue Thompson
           Second Assistant Director   Mike Purcell
                Production Secretary   Rosie Bowen
                Production Assistant   Rachel Krish
                        Sound Editor   Nigel Duthie
                       Dubbing Mixer   Colin Martin
                                Grip   John Etherington
                      Camera Trainee   Sam Garwood
                    Camera Assistant   David Morgan
            Art Department Assistant   Eddie Andres
                       Boom Operator   Andy Morris
                          Continuity   Annie South
                                Labs   Kay/MGM Ltd.
                     Special Effects   Special Effects Universal Ltd.
                  Stunt Co-ordinator   Colin Skeaping
                              Gaffer   Larry Prinz
                             Make-up   Naomi Donne
                      Costume Design   Frances Huggett
             Production Co-ordinator   Katy Radford
                    Location Manager   Paul Barratt
            First Assistant Director   Glynn Purcell
                     Sound Recordist   John Hayes
               Production Accountant   Mike Amos
                        Art Director   Grant Hicks
                 Production Designer   Jonathan McKinstry
                               Music   Simon Brint
                                       Rowland Rivron
                  Lighting Cameraman   Oliver Stapleton
               Comic Strip Producers   Peter Richardson
                                       Simon Wright

[Rik is about to toss his cigarette-end into the canal when he pretends to
see something in the water, peering intently at it. Ade cranes over to see
too and then looks back at Rik, puzzled.]

Rik:          Twat!

[He pushes Ade in.]

Ade:          What the bloody hell did you do that for?

[Rik sticks two fingers up at him and walks back along the tow-path,
breaking into a run as he gets further away. Ade swims feebly after him and
then turns to face the camera, spreads his arms and shrugs.]

                            Producer   Elaine Taylor
                  Executive Producer   Michael White

          A Michael White/Comic Strip Production for Channel Four
                              (c) MCML XXXVII

        Transcription by Johan von Boisman <d6jvb@dtek.chalmers.se>
             Corrections by James Kew <james@sst.ph.ic.ac.uk>
                               November 1992


--
Johan von Boisman          Chalmers University of Technology
d6jvb@dtek.chalmers.se     Gothenburg, SWEDEN