HDTenEightyP/NetNews huggingface dataset:
From: rstimets@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (robert and stimets)
Subject: Re: Personal Attacks on the Net
Organization: Indiana University
Distribution: na
Date: Sun, 13 Sep 1992 19:49:30 GMT

In article <1992Sep11.214649.15817@odin.corp.sgi.com> luigi@sgi.com (Randy Palermo) writes:
>In article <BuFEsz.71I@usenet.ucs.indiana.edu> rstimets@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (robert and stimets) writes:
>
>***A bunch of stuff about Net Abuse that is mostly true but lacking in****
>*****************sufficient carriage returns deleted**********************
>>
>>In short, this is how you should reply to (me, for example) when you disagree:
>>No, Rob, you're wrong because your argument [such-and-such] flaws.
>>
>>Not:
>>What? Were you beaten senseless as a child and never recovered?
>>
>>Nor:
>>Your idiotic spewings just make you look ridiculous to everyone on the net. Why 
>>don't you just give up on having a real brain so the rest of us can live in
>>peace?
>>
>>Not even:
>>I fart in your general direction, you wiper of other people's bottoms.  Now get
>>out of here before I taunt you a second time.
>>
>Now hold on there. This is one of my personal favorites and would certainly
>qualify as an acceptable net.mild.abuse.but.with.some.humor response. The
>real bummer here is I missed, due to workload, one of the great flame wars
>of 1992, by all accounts. Of course, I can understand why Gary is on the
>edge right now. First Mr. Snowmobile(aka The human tree stump) comes back, 
>then Welch starts pitching like he was still drinking, Stew follows, Mac
>gets hurt and they trade Jose. The only thing keeping him from going round
>the bend is the A's are still in 1st. I mean there's the Eck vs Fingers
        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Boy! How I dream of MY team being in first place!  From the list of fun
items listed you'd think these guys had completely fallen apart.  But they're 
still up there, and yet Gary has probably run his fingers through his 
hair 'till he's bald.  Meanwhile Cincinnati has had an abundance of truly
painful turns of events to deal with and they haven't exactly come through
with flying colors.  More to the point, they HAVE completely fallen apart.

Of course, I'm only three years into grad school.  Give me a couple of 
years and I'll be lashing out at the rest of you "commoners" at any
time despite Cinci's 10 game lead in the NL East. <---- (yes, I meant East)

:}

>business, Rickey Wars, Cecil "Baby's got Back" Fielder stuff, Cruising
>"The Warehouse" to get the names of 100 albums, Rotator cuffs, .signatures
>to edit. He's dealing with a lot of crap here. After he finishes all that
>he has homework to do. The list is endless.
>
>I can understand where this could get outta hand, but if I were you I 
>would simply fart in his general direction and be done with it. :^)
>
Do to geographic concerns, I doubt he'd be sufficiently disturbed by this
particular action.  Perhaps if he has voice mail I could send him a recording
of me doing it, though.

:}

>Disclaimer: Any potential humor in this post was irrevocably intended.
>
>luigi
>
>
RStimets
From: U31764@uicvm.uic.edu (STEVE ROMAN)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Will Clark?
Date: 14 Sep 92 18:57:34 GMT
Organization: University of Illinois at Chicago

Can anyone tell me why Will's been out of the lineup lately?  Except
for a late-inning pinch hit appearance yesterday, he's been conspicu-
ously absent the last few days.  Is he hurt?

Steve
u31764@uicvm
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: rdunkle@engin.umich.edu (R. M. Dunkle)
Subject: Re: Clemens getting credit for shutout?
Organization: Campus Computing Sites, University of Michigan
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 11:57:13 GMT

In article <24811@oasys.dt.navy.mil> bouchard@oasys.dt.navy.mil (Roger Bouchard) writes:
>I had a nice arguement with my son about Clemens getting a credit for
>shutout last Monday against Texas Rangers 3-0. My son claims that a
>pitcher must complete the game (9 innings) to get a credit for shutout.
>I thought today in baseball the pitcher need at least 7 innings to get
>it with relief pitchers finishing up. Who is right?


	
	Your son. As far as shutouts are concerned in the record-books,
leader boards, whatever, they're official called "complete-game shutouts", 
I think. With the no-hitter definitions being changed, I don't even know
if one would get credit for a shutout in a rain-shortened game. :)

	In any case, you have to go the full nine yards (er, innings).
-- 
	Brian A. Dunkle               |          "Dig Zebrox!"
	rdunkle@aal.itd.umich.edu <---|--->    bad@emunix.emich.edu
	------------------------------|----------------------------
        <I wish I knew some cool pro-bicycling tag-lines, but.....>
From: paula@koufax.cv.hp.com (Paul Andresen)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: 3000 hit Trivia
Date: 15 Sep 92 19:25:13 GMT
Organization: Our Lady Of The Stand-Up Triple

On ESPN, on the occasion of Yount's 3000th hit, they mentioned that if Brett
makes it this year (looking less and less likely, BTW), it would only be the
4th time in history that two players have made the club in the same year.
Actually, there have already been four such events. Yount/Brett would be the
fifth.

Here's the clue. This has happened in 1914
				      1925
				      1970
				      1979
				      (espn missed '25)

I supplied the years. You supply the names.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
              If you're really hip, the passing years will show.
                                           ......Tower Of Power

  paula@koufax.cv.hp.com   Paul Andresen  Hewlett-Packard  (503)-750-3511

    home: 3006 NW McKinley    Corvallis, OR 97330       (503)-752-8424
                            A SABR member since 1979
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: hhenderson@vax.clarku.edu
Subject: Olsen and Blyleven (was: Players-Turned-Actors)
Organization: Clark University
Date: 8 SEP 92 13:10:34 GMT

Over the weekend yet another football-player-turned-actor
occurred to me:  Merlin Olsen.  How could I have forgotten him??

Baseball players seem to confine their acting to endorsements.
Sometimes this is a good thing, as TV ads are mercifully short.
I remember Ron Cey doing a Wheaties spot years ago ("Before I
swing for the bleacher seaties, I get the eaties for my
Wheaties".. I hope they paid him a lot of money for that one).
Thank God he never got bitten by the acting bug.  Nolan Ryan
is none too convincing as an Advil spokesman, though his
accent is attractive...  The best I've seen so far is Bert
Blyleven, who was quite pleasant and convincing in an ad
for some real estate company (Century 21?).  Blyleven is
alleged to be bright.  Maybe my theory holds true in this
case.  Someone told me that Blyleven, who was born in Holland,
speaks Dutch.  Is this a fact?  Does he wear wooden shoes and
drink jenever?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Heather
Jack Clark University (official name change pending)
HHENDERSON@vax.clarku.edu
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: st1ge@Rosie.UH.EDU (Edward Hui)
Subject: Roger forgot his medication
Reply-To: st1ge@Rosie.UH.EDU
Organization: University of Houston
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1992 20:44:37 GMT

    Roger Craig must have forgotten to take his medication before last
night's game.  With 2 on and no out in the bottom 9th, (the Giants are
trailing, as usual, 6-4) he sent Mike Benjiman (.180) to pinch hit.
Benjiman attempted to bunt the runners to 2nd and 3rd, but failed twice.
He swinged and missed for strike 3.  Then Clayton grounded into a DP to
end the game.  First of all, Benjiman should not be up there in the first
place.  This is September and the roster has expanded.  I'm sure there is
somebody that is a better hitter (or bunter) than Benjiman sitting in the
dugout.  Against a forkball pitcher like Xavier Hernandez, Benjiman has
NO chance.  Besides, they needed 2 runs to tie.  The correct strategy 
should be to swing it away.  
     Call an ambulance for Roger.  No matter where the Giants are playing
next season, he should not be back as manager.

Edward Hui
From: kettler@pierre.mit.edu (KETTLER, THOMAS R.)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Re: Dodgers Outdo Themselves -- Seven Errors!
Date: 14 Sep 92 22:07:00 GMT
Organization: MIT Lab for Nuclear Science
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1

In article <18svsjINNe3b@mizar.usc.edu>, pcaster@mizar.usc.edu (Dodger)              writes...
>The Dodgers made a team high 7 errors last night, 3 by Jose
>Offerman.  Candiotti was the principal victim of the
>lack of defense, although he also allowed a lot of hits
>and helped the Giants with a couple of walks in the second
>as well.  The Giants opened up a commanding lead and Larry
>Carter cruised for 7 innings to earn his first victory.
> 
Well, all I can say is "You have to hand it to the Dodgers and Mets. This is 
because otherwise they'll drop it." d::-) Awfulman has made 40 now. Do I hear 
50 this season. Even if he doesn't, does anyone have an idea as to how long it 
has been since a shortshop has had this many errors? Yes, I know most people 
here feel that errors as a stat are useless but I am still curious.

					Sincerely yours,

					Thomas R. Kettler "Expos Fanatic"
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: fester@island.COM (Mike Fester)
Subject: Re: Defensive Positions and Offensive Contribution.
Organization: /usr/local/rn/organization
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1992 15:03:33 GMT

In article <16874@ucdavis.ucdavis.edu> zuhars@madrone.eecs.ucdavis.edu (Joel Zuhars) writes:
>Mike Fester writes:
>>I'll say this slowly; NOBODY HITS AS A SHORTSTOP. You get NO extra credit for 
>>your OFFENSE as a SHORTSTOP. NONE. A hit is a hit whether it comes from a 
>>firstbaseman, a DH, or a right fielder. Period. In evaluating an offense,
>>you use OFFENSIVE statistics, NOT a players' DEFENSIVE position.

>What about when evaluating a PLAYER, which is what you've been doing
>here?  

Uh, no, what the discussion has been about is the claim that the Tigers
score so many runs because guys like Whitaker, Phillips, Fryman, and Tettleton
had such outstanding years. We are evaluating the OFFENSE, strictly.

>Are you going to tell me that if you have two players with identical
>offensive stats and ages, say .300/.400/.500, and one is a SS while
>one is a LF, it doesn't matter which one you take?

>Mike...Your propensity for arguing is fine.  You really seem to enjoy
>it, and I think that's great.  But do you REALLY believe this, or are
>you simply trying to eliminate any remaining credibility?

>My premise is simple: A shortstop who produces 100 runs in a season is
>a HELL of a lot more valuable than a LF who does.  Why?  Because it's
>easier to find quality replacement for the left fielder.

Again, that's NOT the discussion.

>>If this
>>seems unclear, see Bill James' Abstracts (in particular, his historical 
>>abstract) for a more complete explanation.
>
>I've seen you say this a lot, and misinterpret James a lot.  See also
>spectrum, defensive, for details.

I thought you said that was Palmer.

In any event, see page 294, paragraph 6, Bill James Historical Abstract.

>>And next time, please read more carefully; I pretty clearly wrote this in 
>>regard to the Tiger offense, as seen by "How did a guy with lower OBP *AND* 
>>lower SLG contribute MORE to his team's offense?" Clearer now?

>Allow ME to answer this, then.  Joe Shmoe, noted Shortstop, is about
>2.5 runs per 27 outs better than a league average SS.  Fatt Butt,
>noted RBI monger and first baseman, is 2.0 runs better per 27 outs
>than a league average 1B.  If Shmoe is out for the season, the
>offense, relative to league average, will suffer more of a drop than
>if Butt were out.

A) That's not the discussion.

B) The Tigers have other players (Phillips and next year, Trammell) to play
   short; IMO, both are overall better offensively than Travis.

Mike
-- 
Disclaimer - I'm only doing what the little voices tell me to do.
From: rja@redwood26.cray.com (Russ Anderson)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Re: Top 10: Why Bush should be the new baseball commissioner
Date: 10 Sep 92 17:26:18 GMT
Distribution: na,local
Organization: The 1991 World Champion Minnesota Twins!
Originator: rja@redwood26


In article <1992Sep9.132024.1@violet.ccit.arizona.edu>, f67700241@violet.ccit.arizona.edu (Greg Franklin) writes:
> In article <1992Sep9.120626.13547@hemlock.cray.com>, rja@redwood26.cray.com (Russ Anderson) writes:
> > Top 10 Reasons Bush should be the new baseball commissioner
> > -----------------------------------------------------------
> > 
[...]
> 
> > 4.  Danny needs the connection to a job as batboy.
> 
> Naw, he'll be the mascot.  The Phillie Phanatic, most likely.  Or he
> could be the guy in the press box who's always messing up the ball-
> strike count on the scoreboard.  Yeah, that sounds right.

I was thinking about Danny getting a mascot job but it didn't seem
to fit.  Now that I think about it, Danny should be an announcer
(Danny & Harry Carry talking about family values.  Harry: "Check
out that babe in the halter-top.  Boy, I'd like to start a family 
with her.")  Or maybe Danny & Bob Ueker: the clown prince of baseball
and the clown prince of politics...

Earlier this year, Quayle told the Brewers plays that he hoped they
had a good season and that he would like to see them play the Orioles
in the ALCS.  The guy's a natural for the press box.

> > 1.  The "Draft Clinton" movement is bound to fail.
> 
> Clinton?  What round was he drafted in?  Does he throw a 90+ fastball?

Not much zip on the fastball, but he throws alot of junk.  He seems to
have a lot of Jack Morris in him: his stats don't look impressive but
he does enough to win.

-- 
Russ Anderson    |  Disclaimer: Any statements are my own and do not reflect
------------------              upon my employer or anyone else.  (c) 1992
EX-Twins' Jack Morris, 10 innings pitched, 0 runs (World Series MVP!)
From: spira@panix.com (Greg "Sarcasm Is A Way Of Life" Spira)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Re: Players-Turned-Actors
Date: 8 Sep 92 23:54:15 GMT
Organization: Boo!

In <wNJRqB1w164w@campbell.Gwinnett.COM> bc@campbell.Gwinnett.COM (Bob Campbell) writes:

>  On the subject of baseball player actors (in soap operas, no less),
>  there is one who I am surprised was missed.

>  John Berardino played Dr. Hardy on General Hospital for a zillion
>  years.  He even showed up in an occassional wretched TV movie.
>  Don't know if he ever popped up on the silver screen or not but
>  he's one of those guys who prompts people to say "Oh, yeah, I've
>  seen him before." when they see him.  Along the way, he popped
>  up on 1950's TV shows getting beat up by Superman, Eliot Ness,
>  and, probably, Matt Dillon.

>  Don't know if he is actually still on the show or not because he
>  is now 75 years old.

I believe he is still on the show.  I don't think he's done any
other acting in a long time, though. 

Greg 
-- 
  spira@panix.com       "The one-O delivery to Fisk.  He swings.  Long drive,  
 cmcl2!panix!spira      left field!  If it stays fair, it's gone!  Home Run!"  
158-17 Riverside Dr.                     Ned Martin, 10/22/75   
Whitestone NY 11357          (Insert your favorite baseball moment here) 
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: fester@island.COM (Mike Fester)
Subject: Re: Keeping the Statistics Simple.
Keywords: Spira, Indictment, Photos, Co-Ed, Greasy.
Organization: /usr/local/rn/organization
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 16:05:02 GMT

In article <16571@ucdavis.ucdavis.edu> zuhars@madrone.eecs.ucdavis.edu (Gary Bubble Bubble Huckabay) writes:
>>Any statistic you can come up with is bound to be affected by countless "what
>>ifs". Keep it simple. 
>Relatively straight forward, really.  Now, there are factors which
>affect these things, like the park the player plays in, but we can
>adjust fairly accurately for that, whereas making an adjustment to
>RBIs gets a bit sticky.  Let's have a look, then, at AL First Basemen.
>
>Player		OBP	SLG
>Fielder, C.	.318	.465
>Hrbek, K.	.357	.416
>Joyner, W.	.334	.393
>Martinez, T.	.304	.393
>Mattingly, D.	.326	.419
>McGwire, M.	.390	.594
>Milligan, R.	.398	.393
>O' Brien, P.	.274	.365
>Olerud, J.	.385	.463
>Palmeiro, R.	.340	.399
>Sorrento, P.	.351	.463
>Thomas, F.	.447	.542
>AVERAGE*	.335	.358
>
>(Average includes players not listed here, that were deleted for
> Brevity's sake.)

Mostly agree with the above BUT, in fairness, you should point out the 
following:

>Fielder plays in a park which inflates his home run total.  

However, Tiger Stadium DEFLATES (slightly) SLG, according to ELIAS

>Fielder's defense sucks rocks beyond description.  

Actually, so does Thomas' (afer all, he got hit in the face with a throw), his
arm is, "adventurous". And Tiger Stadium is listed as increasing errors, 
compared to other parks.

> Fielder's baserunning skills are an oxymoron.

If you judge by taking the extra base, he doesn't really stack up at all
badly to, eg Thomas, Hrbek, and MacGwire. Here're the 1st to 3rd and 2nd to
home on outfield singles from last year:

player	1 - 3% 	total	2 - H% 	total	overall
Thomas	35%	14/40	59%	10/17	20/48 ~41.6%
Fielder 32%	10/31	64%	9/14	19/45 ~42.2%
Hrbek	23%	6/26	23%	8/11	14/37 ~37.8%
McGwire 21%	4/19	80%	8/10	12/29 ~41.3%

So, overall, Fielder doesn't look too bad baserunning compared to the other
first basemen.

>You take Cecil, and his 571 RBI.  I'll take McGwire, Milligan, Olerud,
>Sorrento, and Thomas anyday, and most of rest are a wash with Cecil,
>only including offense.  Include Cecil's 'defense', and it's not
>close. 

Actually, most major league scouts list him as a decent first baseman, and he
does play in a park which INCREASES errors.

> Include his mouth, and it's not marginally close.  

I really can't recall a single instance of a teammate objecting to anything
Cecil has ever said. Perhaps you could post some information on this? How has 
his mouth hurt the team?

> I can't
>wait to hear him whine about not being MVP this year, and some yokel
>defending him in this arena.

Don't hold your breath. Cecil's "mouth" has indicated that he's disappointed 
with his year, and he'll do better next year.

Mike
-- 
Disclaimer - I'm only doing what the little voices tell me to do. 
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: bnc@portia.si.macsch.com (Brian Casey)
Subject: Re: Robin Yount
Keywords: 3000 Hits!
Organization: The MacNeal-Schwendler Corporation
Distribution: na
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 92 21:55:20 GMT

In article <uzogg.716192769@mcl> uzogg@mcl.ucsb.edu (Kevin Galinsky) writes:
>Here is a list of his milestone hits:
>
>
>No. 1 -- April 12, 1974 vs. Baltimore, 4th inning single off Dave McNally
>
>No. 500 -- July 13, 1977 vs New York, 3rd inning single off Don Gullett
>
>No. 1000 -- August 16, 1980 at Cleveland, 4th inning double off Sandy Wihtol
>
>No. 1500 -- August 25, 1983 vs California, 5th inning double off Tommy John
>
>No. 2000 -- September 6, 1986 vs Cleveland, 7th inning single off Don
>		Schultze
>
>No. 2500 -- July 2, 1989 at New York, 5th inning single off Jimmy Jones
>
>No. 3000 -- September 9, 1992 vs Cleveland, 7th inning single off Jose Mesa
>
>
>These were printed in today's Los Angeles Times.
>
>On ESPN tonight they said that he has gotten his hits against a total of
>673 different pitchers.
>
>
>  --  Kevin Galinsky
>
>
>

Did anyone else notice the almost uncanny consistency of Yount's hit
totals?  He got his 500th after 3 years in the league, his 1000th after
6 years, his 1500th after 9 years, his 2000th after 12 years, his
2500th after 15 years, and his 3000th in his 18th year.  Pretty
amazing.

Brian Casey
bnc@macsch.com
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
From: shadow@r-node.gts.org (Jay Chu)
Subject: Re: jays 15
Organization: Public Access UNIX Information System
Distribution: rec
Date: Mon, 07 Sep 1992 22:02:26 GMT

In article <lmqnp0n@lynx.unm.edu> kbos@carina.unm.edu (Kurt Bose "of Biscayzee") writes:
>Carlos Delgado must be protected.  He is not 20, he is at least 22.  So says
>the STATS Min. Lg. Handbook.

Delgado *IS* 20.  I heard it on Toronto's CJCL 1430AM Jays Talk.
From: kettler@pierre.mit.edu (KETTLER, THOMAS R.)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Re: Magic Numbers Explanation...
Date: 14 Sep 92 21:39:00 GMT
Organization: MIT Lab for Nuclear Science
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1

In article <5253@news.duke.edu>, daniel@acpub.duke.edu (Daniel Crawford)     writes...
> 
>I would greatly appreciate it if someone out there could please explain
>the magic numbers that come so often into discussion this time of year.
>What is the exact definition of the magic number?
> 
The best way to deal with the magic number is to indicate that each team has 
its own magic number which is found as follows which would indicate either the 
number of wins needed by the first team to win plus losses by the second place 
team or losses by the first place team and wins by the team that you are 
interested in to clinch the division:

For 2nd-7th place team:
163-(# of wins by team you are interested in)-(# of losses of first place team)

For first place team:
163-(# of wins of first place team)-(# of losses of second place team)

Note; this assumes that for the first place team, you are using the second 
place team on that particular day.

Likewise, a tragic number exists for the 2nd-7th place teams which is:

163-(# of wins of first place team)-(# of losses by team you are interested in)

One could apply this to a first place team but there is no reason to do so. 
When the tragic number of a team reaches zero, then that team is eliminated 
from the division race although in reality, it may have been eliminated earlier.

(ex) as of 9/13/92 the NL East is as follows:

							Magic	Tragic
	team		# of wins	# of losses	Number	Number

	Pittsburgh	   82		    60		  18	  NA
	Montreal	   79		    63		  24	  18
	St. Louis	   71		    69		  32	  12
	Chicago		   70		    71		  33	  10
	New York	   63		    78		  40	   3
	Philadelphia	   58		    82		useless   -1

Philadelphia is eliminated so its magic number is useless and unnecessary.

If you are merely interested in the magic number of the first place team, 
another way to calculate it is as follows:

(# of games the first team has remaining)+1-(difference in losses between the 
first place team and the second place team)

Using the example of the AL East as of 9/13/92:

        team            # of wins       # of losses

        Toronto		   84		    60
	Baltimore	   78		    64

Now Toronto has 18 games left and a 4 game lead is the loss column so its magic 
number is:

18+1-4=15 which is what is in today's McPaper.

I hope this helps.

					Sincerely yours,

					Thomas R. Kettler "Expos Fanatic"
From: luigi@sgi.com (Randy Palermo)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.baseball
Subject: Re: Will Clark?
Date: 14 Sep 92 19:45:00 GMT
Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc., Mountain View, CA

In article <92258.135734U31764@uicvm.uic.edu> U31764@uicvm.uic.edu (STEVE ROMAN) writes:
>Can anyone tell me why Will's been out of the lineup lately?  Except
>for a late-inning pinch hit appearance yesterday, he's been conspicu-
>ously absent the last few days.  Is he hurt?
>
>Steve
>u31764@uicvm

He reinjured his hamstring last wednesday when that moron, Wendell Kim,
sent him from third with 1 out. I was at this game. Clark was at 2nd
with 1 out and James lined a single to right. Kim was waving him all 
the way. The right fielder, Simms I think, fielded the ball as Clark
hit the bag and came up throwing. I turned to my 4 year old son and
said "Any kinda throw and he's dead meat". The throw was on the mark
and Clark reinjured himself in the collision. 

It seemed like a major blunder on Kim's part. Clark is already slightly
hobbled, so instead of runners at 1st and 3rd with 1 out and Snyder
coming to the plate you end up with a runner at 2nd and 2 outs and your
best player on the ground in a heep. The only good that came out of it
was now my son knows what dead meat is.

luigi
--
Randy Palermo   luigi@csd.sgi.com    Fax: (415)961-6502
Silicon Graphics Computer Systems, 2011 N. Shoreline Blvd Mt. View, CA 94039
"Play an accordion, go to jail. That's the LAW"