From: garrett@Ingres.COM (WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS)
Subject: Dan & Dave's excellent adventure
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.4-b1  
Keywords: SF Examiner, Jan. 1
Organization: ASK Computer Systems, Ingres Product Division
Date: 4 Jan 93 21:51:42 GMT

	The January 1, edition of the San Francisco Examiner had
a huge listing of David Letterman's top 10 reasons for Dan Quayle.
I would like to share these with you without permission.

Top 10 reasons Dan Quayle would be an asset to a large corporation.

10. Well rested after four-year vacation.
9. His virile young body a perfect new home for Iacocca brain.
8. Much like car wreck, customers would come just to gawk.
7. Don't have to worry about being called away from job in '96.
6. Old head model just broke at Dunce Cap Inc.
5. You can't leak corporation secrets you can't remember.
4. Can be kept quietly occupied for hours watching bubbles go up in
   water cooler.
3. It's fun to work with a guy who drinks chocolate milk.
2. He ain't much for thinkin', but his back is strong.
1. He's kinda pretty.

Top 10 reasons Bush shouldn't drop Quayle.

10. Would risk losing the moron vote.
9. Combined president/vice president golf handicap would soar.
8. He always brings the keg to state dinners.
7. Shame to waste smart guy in vice presidency.
6. He has lock on pretty-boy airhead vote.
5. Is best vice president in history at hiding Easter eggs.
4. Reebok would have to scrap $25 million Dan vs. Al campaign.
3. He's almost housebroken.
2. Just because he's stupid doesn't mean he shouldn't hold second-highest 
   office in the land.
1. He's a real looker.

Top 10 things the Quayles have to do before Jan. 20

10. Fill out Dan's Dairy Queen application.
9. Stock up on Defense Department hair shellac for Marilyn.
8. Begin difficult process of teaching Dan a new address.
7. Erase "I can't believe I'm vice president" doodles from desk.
6. Get cushy jobs from one of the president's deadbeat sons.
5. Break news to Dan tha he wasn't re-elected.
4. Try to meet Bush.
3. Get Dan's favorite chew toy back from Millie.
2. Explain to their children that Daddy will never hold any kind of political
   office ever again.
1. One more blunder for the road.

Top 10 signs Dan Quayle is getting more respect

10. Casey Kasem now accepting his calls.
9. Tour groups no longer allowed to use his bathroom.
8. Network news anchors no longer make quotations marks with fingers when
   they say "the vice president"
7. His confidential Secret Service code name now differs from his acual name
6. No longer gets newspapers after the White House puppies.
5. Credibility soared when public found out he wasn't captain of that Exxon
   tanker.
4. Gets to use deep end in White House pool.
3. Even I'm tired of making jokes about him.
2. People now tell him he's no Ted Kennedy.
1. No longer has to wear paper hat saying "Trainee"

Top 10 reasons Bush should dump Quayle

10. Getting harder to drag him away from his ant farm.
9. Dairy Queen now hiring.
8. Too time-consuming for Pentagon to prepare all his briefings in comic
   book format.
7. Keeps eating White House gold fish.
6. Was fooling around with phone and accidently ordered Olympic TripleCast.
5. tired of wasting valuable time in cabinet meetings untangling him from
   phone cord.
4. He and Barbara hugging just a little too long lately.
3. Secret Service tired of bathing him.
2. With advancing age, he's starting to lose his keen intellectual edge.
1. Throws like a girl.

Top 10 things Dan Quayle does like about TV

10. Bright flickering colors makes him feel all happy and safe.
9. The way the Pillsbury Doughboy giggles when you poke his stomach.
8. "Matlock" proves our judicial system is working.
7. Adjusting the tint knob so everybody looks like Martains.
6. Keeps him up-to-date on current White House activities.
5. Letterman shows provide positive role model for Indiana dimwits.
4. Rubbing up against screen whenever Kirstie Alley comes on.
3. Impressed by appearances of H. Ross Perot; thinking of voting for him.
2. Always enjoyable test of Emergency Broadcast System.
1. When it's "Dumb Guy Week" on "Wheel of Fortune"

Top 10 reasons to give Dan Quayle a raise

10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
8. His father threatened to make trouble.
7. To match the salary of Millie.
6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an
   entire industry?
5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at "Star Trek" conventions.
4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War.
3. To keep the money out of the hands undeserving teachers and firefighters.
2. Oh, what the hell - they're only giving him play money.
1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.

Top 10 ways Quayle can build up public confidence

10. Borrow those fake glasses Stallone wears to look smarter.
9. Have his dad give everybody five bucks.
8. Think of snappy comebacks to that "You're no John F. Kennedy" zinger.
7. All speeches lip-synched to vioce of James Earl Jones.
6. Go on "American Gladiators" and kick ass in the Atlasphere.
5. Do that trick where it looks like you're pulling off part of your thumb
   but you're really moving the other thumb.
4. Appear before subcommittee on multiplication tables.
3. Announce with quiet determination that he's leaving politics.
2. Get Bush to stop wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.
1. Win "Vice-Presidents Week" on "Jeopardy"


	I'll type in the rest later. All typos are mine.

-Garrett

Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle