From: slh@gtech.com (Sandy L. Haddon)
Subject: My .02 and ideas (was RE: feeling terrible)
Organization: GTECH Corporation, West Greenwich, RI
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 20:30:50 GMT

My .02 based on experience:

.>From: enigma@netcom.com (Enigma)

San takes a really deep breath and risks a post!

>In article <Bxx9n1.2oy@twwells.com> anon-1317@twwells.com writes:
>
>For any that remember my situations with my neighbor and
>ex- lover.  He said yesterday- he did not want me in his
>life at all.

.You know, something just struck me about this situation:  your
.neighbor seems to be having a *really* strong reaction to you
.since you told him about your abuse: maybe he can't stand 
.being reminded of abuse for some specific reason?  Maybe he was
.abused himself, and in denial about it?  Maybe he was involved
.with someone who was abused, and they freaked out on him
.somehow?  I have no idea, just guessing, but I do get the feeling 
.that his rejection of you has more to do with his own history than
.it has to do with *you*.  I'm betting that he would have reacted
.this way to anybody who had been abused.

I completely agree with you, Holly.  Usually an overreaction is based
upon someone having their "buttons" pushed by a situation or, in this
case, a person's account of their past.

.I know it hurts a lot.  But you know, just because he's acting weird
.doesn't reflect on you at all, doesn't mean there's anything wrong
.with *you*.  Maybe *he* has a problem he needs to work on.

Again, Holly makes a very good point.  It's important to separate 
yourself from, in the words of my therapist, "somebody else's shit".
You only have to own what belongs to you.  It's really hard to see
where your stuff starts and somebody else's begins especially with 
a history of abuse.  Abuse teaches you bad things and when a child
is faced with abuse, they do their best to figure it out using a 
child's point of view.  Usually without guidance of an adult for 
a myriad of reasons, the child comes to the conclusion that it must
be their "fault" or their "responsibility.  As an adult, this type
of thinking makes it hard to see the separation.

What I wanted to say was that I have previous and recent experience
with opening up and telling others about myself.  It's a really, really
scary experience.  You are being vulnerable and I usually end up feeling
needy afterward even if the opening up parts go well and I am met with
acceptance and unconditional support.  I end up thinking, "I have said
too much".  It is just recently that I have become cognizant of the fact
that when it goes well this happens and when it doesn't go well at all
(I am met with rejection) or it goes "so-so" (no acknowledgement just
sort of a "that's nice" attitude).  I am still needy.  I need support,
comfort, safety and reassurance.  Lots of it.

I do not think that this is an atypical response given where I have been
and my history.  So, anon-1317, take special care of yourself.  Seek out
support and reassurance and do whatever you must to take care of you.
Your neighbor must do the same for himself.

And don't give up.  It's very disheartening to experience rejection at
any time let alone when you are telling your story.  You will find a
caring and sympathetic ear one of these times.  You will find many types
of reactions based on where the listener is coming from, as Holly pointed
out so well.  What is important is that you tell, keep on telling and
not confuse someone's reaction with your own "baggage".  Keep your eye
on the target and the facts clear in your mind.  

The last thing I wish to say is that I find the following questions
and my answers helpful when I consider "telling".

1. What do *I* know about this person?  Why do *I* want to tell this person?
2. Do I think they have a history of abuse themselves?
3. If so, are they aware  of it?
4. Why do I wish to talk to *this* specific person?
5. What if:
   It goes well?
   It goes so-so?
   It goes badly?
      What are my needs in reference to these situations and how can
      I get them met (in a healthy manner :)  )?
6. Have we establish safe and healthy boundaries? (myself and the person)
7. If not, how would I go about this?
8. If so, should I remind this person of these before I tell?
9. Should I have my needs list with me?  Should I call someone before or
   after?

There's more but I think you get my drift.   :)

.hope you feel better soon,
. holly

I hope you feel better, too.

San :)