From: jbyrd@chpc.utexas.edu (Jan Byrd)
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: Re: Soothing Dad's ruffled feathers
Date: 16 Oct 92 20:11:25 GMT
Organization: Center for High Performance Computing, Univ. of Texas System

In article <1992Oct15.232453.1424@sco.com>, romal@sco.COM (Romal Levy) writes:
|> 
|> Hi Folks,
|> 
|> Warren and I are expecting our second child in June.  Right
|> now were going through the process of picking a new OB since
|> I wasn't very happy with the person who delivered David.
|> We're considering a traditional OB, a nurse midwife, and a
|> GP who does obstetrics.
|> 
|> Here's the problem:  I told Warren that I really like the OB
|> we're considering, but that I'd like to have a doula or a close
|> friend coaching the labor.  I had what I consider less than an
|> ideal labor last time and I felt that I could have used the help
|> of a more experienced birthing assistant than Warren.  Here's what
|> happened:
|> 
|> My water broke before my cervix had softened and was slightly stained
|> with meconium, so we had to go to the hospital immediately.  Once 
|> Warren got me settled in the room and was sure I was O.K. he left to
|> pack a few things from home and take care of some stuff at work.  I
|> figured he'd be gone for maybe an hour at most, so I told him to go.
|> He was gone for 2.5 hours, while I was trying to keep myself motivated
|> walking up and down the halls at 11pm with no support and no one to talk
|> to, trying to get labor started.  When he came back the nurse though that
|> I should try to sleep since "tomorrow would be a busy day."  I was tired,
|> but I also knew that I had a 24hr time limit since my water had broken
|> and I really wanted to keep walking.  Warren wanted to sleep.  I gave up,
|> and went to bed.
|> 
|> The next morning my OB finally arrived and started me on pitossin since
|> I wasn't having any contractions.  That landed me in bed.  Warren stayed
|> in the room with me and watched TV, but also played cards with me and
|> encouraged me through the contractions that were finally coming.  Some
|> time during the day when he says I was sleeping (I don't remember sleeping
|> at all) he left to videotape some stuff around the hospital.  When he
|> came back I was arguing with the nurses to get me a telemetry unit so I
|> could get up and walk around.  They didn't want to go to the inconvenience,
|> so Warren argued with them some more and I was finally able to get onto
|> the unit.  We walked up and down the halls a few times and then I decided
|> I really didn't want to and headed back to bed.  Warren kind of sat around
|> with me until 6pm when my OB finally poked in again and announced that I
|> wasn't progressing at all and suggested a C section.  He offered me another
|> 24hrs of labor, but by this time even the pitossin wasn't generating 
|> contractions.  He said he really didn't think I was going to dilate at all,
|> that my cervix just wasn't quite ready, although he was hoping I'd be able
|> to get to 3 - 5 cm so that my cervix would "remember" next time.  
|> 
|> Warren tried to talk me into continuing my labor but I was tired, thirsty
|> (the OB had ordered no liquids post 12 noon) and uncomfortable from the
|> IV and fetal monitor.  I opted for the C section.  Warren wanted to watch
|> the surgery, but I made him sit and hold my hand instead.
|> 
|> So here's the problem:  Warren was very loving and supportive, and I keep
|> trying to emphasize this to him.  I just think for me that I needed more
|> support, in particular from someone who had assisted with many births and
|> could offer suggestions and keep me going when I didn't want to.  Warren
|> feels insulted and says that I don't remember all that he did for me and
|> that I'm buying into the feminist crap (his words) that only women can
|> really help a woman give birth.  He kept hounding me and needling me about
|> what was so wrong with him, that I must believed that I thought he abandoned
|> me during the labor.  I finally got really angry and disgusted with him
|> for putting what I perceive to be his ego ahead of my needs and said fine,
|> if he wanted me to say that he abandoned me, then he did and that I wanted
|> some else in addition to him.  He hasn't spoken to me since (10pm last
|> night) and has been really rude.
|> 
|> Now, any suggestions on how I can deal with his attitude?  Have any of you
|> felt similarily about your husband's support?  Have any husband's out there
|> gotten a similar response from their wife?  How did you resolve it?
|> 
|> Thanks for any help you can offer -- I can't deal with 7 months of this
|> kind of BS.
|> 
|> Roma
|> PS.  Please mail -- there's too much stuff to wade through on misc.kids
|> these days
|> 
|> romal@sco.COM

[I'm emailing this also, but since this post struck such a chord with me
I thought I would post it also.]

This probably isn't at all what you're wanting to hear, but here comes
my opinion:

My husband has helped me to give birth 2 times now, and I have some
fairly strong feelings about "other people" being more involved in the
birthing process than husband/father.  Although I had both babies in a 
hospital, and they were delivered by an obstetrician, I feel the husband/
father has a tremendously important role to play, even if he's inexperi-
enced and doesn't always do it "right" - he has what no nurse/doula/ 
midwife/OB has: a *personal* involvement and investment in (1) you and 
(2) that baby.

With our first child, there was a nurse in the labor room with us at all
times, but she dealt with ME almost exclusively through my HUSBAND.  She
guided HIM with her experience to do the right thing for me, but it was
HIS coaching that I heard.  If she knew I needed to be told something
or to have something done for me, she told HIM, and HE did it.  He was in-
experienced, obviously, and somewhat uncertain sometimes (he's a shy man), 
but he loves me and he wanted this baby very much.  It was an extremely 
important time for us as a couple.  He and I bonded that day in a way that 
we had not in the 4 years before this child was born.  Likewise, he bonded 
so quickly with this baby I think because he played such a key role in 
bringing him into the world.

Our second child was born in a different hospital.  I had an extremely
capable nurse attending me the entire time, but she completely shut my 
husband out.  She ignored him completely and focused entirely on me (is
that what you're hoping the doula will do?).  SHE coached me; he just sat 
beside my bed, hardly needed and, being a shy guy, he didn't demand to be
involved.

Now I wouldn't have thought a thing about this if it hadn't been so dif-
ferent from the first experience.  I realized then that this 2nd wonderful 
nurse had deprived all of us of something really precious - although I'm 
sure this was not her intention.  But I'll always be grateful to the nurse 
who attended our first birth.  I realize now that it was HER understanding 
of this FAMILY concept that allowed her to lead this inexperienced but well-
meaning man into a starring role that day.  She saw her role as a supporting
one, but she literally MADE the experience for US.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you should be grateful that your
husband feels so strongly that he WANTS to be the one that you depend on
while you're giving birth, and he wants you to WANT him to be that one, 
even if he's not "perfect" at it.  No wonder his feelings are hurt.

I hope that whatever way you decide to go, that your husband isn't excluded.  
You sound like you're somewhat annoyed at him for what you see as the short-
comings of his first "performance", and that there might be an element of 
punishment in this for him.  Wouldn't it just be easier to spell it out for 
him what you need, like "I don't want you to leave me to go to the office, 
even if it looks like the birth is a long way away", and "I don't want you 
to go to sleep while I'm in labor" (Heck, I didn't even want my husband to 
go to the bathroom while I was laboring, but I had to "let him" a couple of 
times, but you get the picture)?  Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to ASK your 
midwife/doula/experienced friend (if you decide to have them) to coach you
through your husband; that way you would get both.

I realize I've probably stepped over the line giving advice here, but I
feel so strongly about this that I even turned down an opportunity to be 
in the delivery room when my own daughter gave birth.  She asked me if I
would be there, and I asked HER "If you're hurting and scared, who are you
going to turn to?  Your mother or your husband?"  Knowing our relationship,
and that she and her husband are so young and hadn't been through much
together, we both had to admit that she would turn to me, and her husband 
would defer to me and to our experience and closeness, and I wouldn't be 
able to control the level of my own involvement.  I would literally stand
on my son-in-law's neck and "take over" the coach role. (Please don't
interpret this to mean that I think other family members shouldn't be
present at the birth; that's fine if that's what someone wants.)

The reward for me, though, is that what I hoped would happen DID happen:
my 22-year-old son-in-law -- young, inexperienced and scared -- was a
tower of strength when my daughter needed him, and the birthing of their
child was something that they truly did TOGETHER.

Sorry for the length of the post.  I got carried away.

Jan