From: sfjr@wam.umd.edu (Sherri)
Subject: Re: guilt & catch 22
Organization: University of Maryland, College Park
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1992 06:13:17 GMT

In article <Bxxn8A.5G3@twwells.com> anon-1421@twwells.com (seeker) writes:
>I was not abused sexually as a child (abused in most other ways though)
>but I was as an adult. It is kind of embarrassing because, unlike so 
>many of you, I was a *consenting adult*. I often had sex with my ex SO
>because I was afraid that if I didn't he might become violent and he
>would certainly become abusive. I guess this is a mild form of rape.
>There was a lot of stuff before that too so I already had a lot of
>baggage. (The abusive relationship was the only one in which I have 
>really tried to be intimate because I was not able to trust enough
>to try in other relationships.)

	Welcome to asar, seeker.  Know that you are welcome here.  I sense
from your post that you're still being really hard on yourself, either
that or your definition of 'consent' differs a lot from most of the
sensitive survivors here :)  I lived with an abusive boyfriend for
a long time, and in hindsight I saw that I was really stupid and spineless
about a lot of things.  But I didn't get smart and courageous by calling
myself names, what helped was recognizing that I was hurt and realizing
that no matter what I 'could have done' to stop the abuse, I didn't
deserve to be treated that way.

>
>Since I was an adult I feel I at least share responsibility
>for the abuse - I allowed it to happen by staying with him. The perp 
>was my therapist, which decreases my responsibility, but not completely.

	I believe that you have a responsibility to yourself to learn
how to recognize and protect yourself from abuse in the future.  As
I see it, you were still the victim in this situation.  The sexual abuse,
the threats of violence, the violation of your trust in a therapist...
these were all things done _to_ you _by_ this person.  You are not
to blame.  Yes, you theoretically had more control than a three year old
or someone who was physically forced...you could go on dealing with
the responsibility issue forever, but it's not likely to help you (and
helping you is the goal here, right?)   The important thing is to
develop sympathy for yourself, and out of that self-love you can
see how important it is to protect yourself from those who would
hurt you and/or disregard your feelings.  From reading your post,  I
think that you are a caring and sensitive person.  I think that if you
re-read your post while pretending it was written from someone else,
you'd probably consider telling the person some of the things I'm
telling you.
w
>I am left with a major fear of both sex and relationships. I had trouble
>just sharing a tent with a male who has been my friend for years.
>I have nightmares about loving relationships (getting less frequent). 
>
>I have been through therapy and belong to a 12 step program. I have
>been celibate since my SO became my ex (3 years). My ex-therapist said 
>I need to wait until I meet the right person, someone with
>whom I can make a commitment (marriage) and who can set the right
>environment, and then most of the problems will go away. I believe this
>is necessary but worry that it is not sufficient. My ex-therapist is
>a born again Christian and I am worried that she is biased (note: I have
>been out of therapy for over a year). I have worked on the anger and
>a lot of that is gone.
>
You're right about marriage not being sufficient to make fears of
sex and relationships go away.  it's something to be worked through.
I would recommend working through the section on sexuality in
_The Courage to Heal Workbook_ by Laura Davis.  If you can't find the
book, I'll point out that one of the things that helped me a lot was
listing things that give me sensual pleasure and doing them.  It 
helped to focus on things that seemed sensual but not sexual--taking
warm baths, wearing warm soft clothes, wearing a mixture of rose and
honeysuckle oil.  It's important to learn to care for yourself so
that then you can decide if you want something from a caring SO.  It's
important to have a basis for your own pleasure and satisfaction in
a relationship.  My current SO has really helped me see how what I
viewed as my 'selflessness' in a relationship came out of my insecurity,
not caring.  Most healthy people want to have a relationship with a 
person rather than a selfless being.

>As soon as a relationship gets sexual (as opposed to cuddly) 
>I am out of there emotionally. I mean permanently and immediately. 
>Is this a catch 22 situation? - need to find the right person to 
>work out the problems but the problems prevent me from finding the 
>right person? It is really likely that I haven't found the right
>person but I don't know how to work on relationships when I cannot get
>into one! I am seeing someone now and don't want to screw it up.
>
Only one suggestion this time--find a way to talk to the person about
what you're feeling and the problems you have.  This person may
draw back and not be willing to see you through this, and the person
has the right to make that choice.  But letting the person in on
what you're feeling gives them the chance to care for you in the
ways you really need.  The most healing experience for me was when
my SO told me that he was angry and frustrated that we weren't having sex,
but he still wholeheartedly supported my decision to not have sex until
I wanted to do it again.  I think that if you're hoping to heal within
a relationship (and if you want a relationship now you're going to need
to heal within it), then real honesty is going to be essential.

>Please let me know what your experience has been. Thanks.
>(The prospect of dealing with this stuff has me terrified but I am tired
>of carrying the baggage.)
>

I think you're doing well and that you have a lot of courage.

Warm thoughts your way and ehugs if you want them,

Sherri