From: anon-1159@twwells.com (Kristian)
Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Help/Being there for a friend
Date: 4 Jan 93 20:06:15 GMT
Organization: Anonymous Posting Service at twwells.com
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There have been some postings along similar lines recently, but
maybe some of you have other things to add.

Three weeks before the holidays I told a male friend about my
recently starting to come to terms with sexual abuse when I was a
child.  He lives across the country from me now, but we have been
quite close.  He has a sister with whom he is very close who
lives in a town some distance from here.

Since I am very good friends with both of them I have always
assumed that they probably shared anything I said to either one.
I am O.K. with that.

During the holidays the sister visited me and towards the end of
the visit, just to make sure she knew that I was comfortable
about her knowing about my abuse and that I was comfortable
talking about it (with either of them), I mentioned in passing
the process of healing from abuse.

A couple of days later she asked to come over again.  She asked
me what combination of circumstances had made me suddenly realize
that I had been abused as a child.  I began to tell her and I
noticed she was crying.  I stopped and asked why it was affecting
her so much and she said she thought that something similar had
happened to her.  To encapsulate:  she has a couple of vague
memories and is concerned about them (she had a physical - not
sexual - encounter/trauma this summer which seems to have triggered
some of the recall), but she WANTS to deny them and she doesn't
want to deal directly with this stuff for fear it will totally
affect her life.  She doesn't want to speak to anyone, not even
her husband, about this.

First of all, I am no expert -- merely a survivor -- and I would
not presume to draw any conclusion for her about whether she was
abused or how it might have affected her (although my personal
opinion is that she is displaying classic forms of denial).  All
I was able to do was suggest that, whatever had happened, she was
strong and had found her own ways of coping and surviving up til
now and that they had been effective and served her purposes up
to now ...  that I thought (from my own experience) that memories
would only come as she was able to handle them (in other words,
IF memories came up they might be frightening, but that maybe she
could take some comfort in knowing that her body is telling
her that she is strong enough to handle them now).  I have said I am
open for her to call or write at any time.  I've given her the
name of my therapist if she wants to seek professional help or
get a referral to someone else (e.g. another woman) or a group.  I offered
her some of my resource books (e.g.  _The Courage To Heal_ and a
book of affirming meditations, _On the Path_ ).  She took the
latter, but only for a couple of days.  She doesn't want anyone,
including her husband, to know that she is even looking at this stuff.
I've also tried to suggest ways of creating her own personal
"safe place", e.g. 15 minutes a day when she could write or
journal for herself, so that she would feel more in control of
the process and yet would provide herself with an outlet if she
needs it.

I, myself, have been feeling very fragile about this situation as
my intention in "coming out" to her was certainly not to create
unwanted chaos or soul-searching in someone else's life.  On
reflection, I suspect that she has been thinking quite a bit about
this subject for some time:   she was asking questions about
confrontation and forgiveness, etc., and recognized that she just
can't, for instance, watch talk shows about abuse or the recent
Canadian airing of _The Boys of St. Vincent_.   So I guess *I*
didn't cause anything.  As a survivor myself I realize that she
has to be in charge of whatever she needs to go through and at
whatever pace.  Another thing she is worried about is all the
publicity that abuse issues seem to be getting of late and is
terribly fearful of a family/friends reaction of "Oh no, not you
TOO!  It's past, why don't you just get over it!"

Any other suggestions about what I could do?  Although I feel
quite comfortable with other survivors who are going through
various issues in their process of healing, I feel as if I
am totally inadequate and floundering in this instance because
she states so categorically that she doesn't want to deal with
things at this time.  I'm sure I know how she feels (I've had
some pretty strong reactions of denial myself), but I just feel
so awful not knowing what to DO!

Kristian.



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