From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #127
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: Christmassssssy Toxic Custard
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1992 04:15:39 GMT


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                             c e m b e r 1 9 9
                            2 W r i t t e n B y
                           D a n i e l B o w e n
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Christmas comes but once a year
And just now, it is quite near
So get your shopping into gear
For all the rellies you hold dear
Or next time you will get mere
Socks and ties you'll never wear*                       *rotten rhyme, eh?
And year after year after year after year
Crap presents from all far and near

Christmas comes but once a year
And when it does, drink lots of beer
But don't get drunk and eat your ear
Or all your friends will no doubt jeer
So on second thoughts, forget the beer
Just fall asleep and you will hear
The sound of Santa and reindeer
Skulling all your nice cold beer

Christmas comes but once a year
But down in Oz it's downright weird
With sun, heat and roos, but no deer
No snow, ice or polar bears*
So how does Santa's sleigh get here?
The last line comes soon I fear
I don't know what to write, oh dear!
So I'll wimp out and mention Germaine Greer

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE TWELVE QUOTES OF CHRISTMAS

 1. I hate Christmas. It's so bloody nice.
  2. Who is this guy Noel, anyway?
   3. Christmas is totally sexist. The tree is such a phallic symbol, and
           Father Christmas is just symbolic of child-abusing fat uncles.
    4. We've only got a flue; I hope Santa's been on a diet.
     5. Whatever you want for Christmas, you're not getting it.
      6. Boxing day is when you work your way through the house, throwing out
               all the boxes.
       7. Be looking out for that annual tv news story about the eccentric
                Finnish bloke who rides around in a sleigh wearing a Father
                Christmas outfit.
        8. Christmas comes but once a year. If it came twice, then the
                 Christians would be confused. And the retailers would be
                 over the moon.
         9. Australia isn't the ideal environment for sleighs. In Australia,
                  it's rumoured that Santa does his rounds in a milk truck.
                  Pulled by kangaroos. Flying, rather than bouncing, I presume.
          10. The week after Christmas is to recover from Christmas dinner just
                   in time for the New Year's Eve parties.
           11. Rudolph, will you and your nose stop showing off!
            12. Excuse me driver, is this your sled? Have you got your reindeer
                     license handy?

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THE TOXIC CUSTARD INTERVIEW
Yes folks, this time we've managed to track down that elusive man of the
moment, Mr Santa Claus. We looked up Claus in the phonebook, and we found...
S. M. Claus of Cheltenham, Victoria. Bet you never knew he lived downunder, eh?
Anyway, we gave him a buzz and asked if he was Santa Claus, and he said "No!
Bugger off, I'm just a distant cousin." But before he hung up in disgust, he
did give us the right number. So, we made sure we were signed up with the
Telecom North Pole Flexiplan, and gave him a ring. And here's what happened.

GOOD MORNING. CLAUS ENTERPRISES, YOU WANT 'EM, WE GIVE 'EM.

- Good morning. Is that Santa Claus?

NO, THIS IS CHIEF ELF FRED SPEAKING.

- Ah. Is Santa there please?

ERM.. I'LL JUST SEE. SHALL I SAY WHO'S CALLING?

- Just tell him it's Toxic Custard

SANTA! A MR. CUSTARD FOR YOU!... HE'S JUST COMING.

- Thank you.

YO, SANTA HERE. HOW YOU DOIN', MAN?

- Good morning Santa. Sorry to bother you at such an obviously busy time, but
we were wondering if we could interview.

WHAT IS UP MAN? YOU WANT TO WISH FOR SANTA TO BRING YOU SOMETIN'? YOU GO
THROUGH MY REQUESTS SECRETARY, PLEASE.

- No no, we actually wanted to know how you got the job.

WELL, I SAW THE POST ADVERTISED, AND I APPLIED, YOU KNOW? IT ISN'T OFTEN THAT
SOMETHING THIS PROMISING COMES ALONG. NICE LODGINGS... COMPANY SLEIGH... THE
CHANCE TO HHHHHHHO YOUR HEAD OFF... AND THE JOB ONLY TAKES ONE MONTH A YEAR.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR? NOW WHAT YOU DAMN CHILDREN WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? YOU
WANT A NEW GHETTO-BLASTER? I GOT SOME LOVELY WEED HERE FOR YOU, MAN.



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                                     =|=     S E A S O N S   G R E E T I N G S
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.    ==|==
--                                 ===|===          or, re-arranged,
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | ====|====
Melbourne, Australia------------|     |     S E E   G I A N T   N O S E S  (rg)
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|   #####
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |   #####
Newsgroups: rec.humor