From: RICKI@wvnvm.wvnet.edu (Ricki Dulin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Lawyer Jokes
Date: 7 Oct 92 14:03:27 GMT

With all the demand for lawyer jokes, got these off another bulletin board -
however, I am still collecting.  So if you have more, please send them to me.

                              LAWYER JOKES

1.   Q:   What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the
          ocean?
     A:   A good start!

2.   Q:   How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
     A:   His lips are moving.

3.   Q:   What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road
          and a dead lawyer in the road?
     A:   There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

4.   Q:   Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
     A:   Professional courtesy.

5.   Q:   What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in
          sand?
     A:   Not enough sand.

6.   Q:   How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
     A:   Cut the rope.

7.   Q:   Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
     A1:  Take your foot off his head.
     A2:  No?  Good!

8.   Q:   What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of
          shit?
     A:   The bucket.

9.   Q:   What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a
          shame")?
     A:   When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

10.  Q:   What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
     A:   There was an empty seat.

11.  Q:   What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
     A:   Stick his bill up his ass.

12.  Q:   What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a
          lawyer?
     A:   An offer you can't understand.

13.  Q.   Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
     A.   From chasing parked ambulances.

14.  Q.   Where can you find a good lawyer?
     A.   In the cemetery.

15.  Q.   What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
     A.   A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

16.  Q.   What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
     A.   A vampire only sucks blood at night.

17.  Q.   Why to lawyers wear neckties?
     A.   To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

18.  Q.   How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
     A.   Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

19.  Q.   If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
     A.   It might be your bicycle.

20.  Q.   What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
     A.   Their personalities.

21.  Q.   What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
     A.   A doberman.

22.  Q.   Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
     A.   Deep down their good.

23.  Q.   What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
     A.   One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

24.  Q.   Why are lawyers great in bed?
     A.   They get so much practice screwing people.

25.  Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?

26.  Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
     He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

27.  "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
     man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
     "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

28.  God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
     differences once and for all.  When Satan heard this, he
     laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to
     find a lawyer?"

29.  An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks
     nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
     "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers
     come from?"

30.  At a convention of biological scientists one researcher
     remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have
     switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"  "Well,
     for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
     plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached
     to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't
     do.

31.  Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
     drunk are walking down the street together when they
     simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
     The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological
     creatures.

32.  Ben Dover
       And
     C. Howlett Fields
     Attorneys At Law

33.  When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee
     schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's
     financially hard to get back on your feet.

34.  It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
     hands in his own pockets.

35.  A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
     bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied
     the bartender. "Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and
     I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

36.  The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a
     client, but at least there will be no problem with
     fee-splitting.

37.  There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a
     cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was
     pulling on the horns.   Underneath was a lawyer milking the
     cow.

38.  If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on
     the equator ----  It would be a good idea to just leave them
     there.

39.  Legal business card:

     Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
     Attorneys at Law

40.  A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

41.  A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
     The housewife replies: "Four!".
     The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me
     run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
     The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
     hushed voice,  "How much do you want it to be?"

42.  A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
     He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional
     brain offered at this particular brain store.  So he asks
     the butcher:
     "How much for Engineer brain?"
     "3 dollars an ounce."
      "How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
     "4 dollars an ounce."
     "How much for lawyer brain?"
     "100 dollars an ounce."
     "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
     "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one
     ounce of brain?"

43.  A grade school teacher was asking students what their
     parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said.
     "What does your mother do all day?"  Tim stood up and
     proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful.  How
     about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and
     said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the
     teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"  Billy proudly
     stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
     whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the
     subject to geography.  Later that day she went to Billy's
     house and rang the bell.  Billy's father answered the door.
     The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
     explanation.  Billy's father said, "I'm actually an
     attorney.  How can I explain a thing like that to a
     seven-year-old?"

44.  A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his
     dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line
     to see St. Peter.  To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk
     at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer
     was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his
     assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to
     the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his
     desk.  The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
     but what makes me so special?"  St. Peter replied, Well,
     I've added up all the hours for which you billed your
     clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years
     old!"

45.  A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the
     city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief
     Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a
     shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an
     attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

46.  A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They
     referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer
     as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner
     follow."

47.  "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence
     Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear
     woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
     money there has been only one answer to that question."

48.  The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the
     Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent
     discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows
     up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After
     passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
     to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from
     the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
     (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all
     sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where
     the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the
     end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If
     he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my
     digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on,
     the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane
     until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone
     houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
     Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff
     his best.  The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries
     out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that
     lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
     leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

     Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here
     old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
     spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're
     putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
     together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the
     first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

49.  Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after
     a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson
     came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
     "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that
     dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your
     acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
     "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the
     money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

50.  A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving
     case and the  defendant, who had both a record and a
     reputation for driving under the  influence, demanded a jury
     trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take
     time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
     looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found
     a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they
     were a jury.

     The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so
     followed the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was
     over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the
     defendant was guilty.  The jury went into the jury-room, the
     judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

     After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of
     patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what
     was holding up the verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the
     judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

     The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell,
     they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's
     position!"

51.  A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the
     little girl's grandmother.  On their way through the
     cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do
     they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

     "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

     "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

52.  These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
     balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the
     air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we
     can see where we are".  Harry lets out some of the hot air
     in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud
     cover.  George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets
     ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry yells down to the man
     "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the
     ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the
     air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a
     lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
     "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
     useless".

     That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
     worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
     and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
     Soaked by Lawyer".

53.  For three years, the young attorney had been taking his
     brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd
     finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
     Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
     suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
     There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
     pregnant?"  he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we
     could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
     condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
     decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
     than a lawyer."

54.  A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After
     he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what
     inscription he would like on it.

     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In
     this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the
     same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest
     lawyer''.

     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the
     lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people
     will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

55.  A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in
     the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the
     year.  Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
     friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a
     week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
     backwoods section of Maine.

     On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
     friend to stay with  him.  The friend, eager to get a
     freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time
     in the country - rising early and living in the great
     outdoors.

     Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
     companion went out  to pick berries for their morning
     breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering
     blueberries and raspberries in tremendous   quantities,
     along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.  Well, the
     lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
     His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear
     reached him and swallowed him whole.  The lawyer ran back to
     his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got
     the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun
     and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.  Sure
     enough, the two bears were still there.

     "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male,
     while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in
     his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked
     at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
     took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.  "What did you do
     that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
     other!"  "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU
     believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the
     Male?"

56.  It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled
     into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in
     agony.  Doctor Green came over to see him.  "Dobbins," he
     said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court
     when you accused me of malpractice."

     "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could  it be?"
     "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
     "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you
     don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
     "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
     "What are you talking about?"
     "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
     everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
     "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
     "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it
     turns out to be a   gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
     "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
     "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
     Dobbins: 'Why  were you so sure that my client had tennis
     elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated   hundreds of people with
     tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins:    'It
     never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
     Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
     Dobbins: 'You and your kind make me sick.' "
     "Why are you reading that to me?"
     "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in
     making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
     "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
     "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a
     drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe
     drugs anymore."
     "Then get me another doctor."
     "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is
     that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized
     everything in my office.
     This is the only place that I can practice."
     "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will
     personally appeal your case to a higher court."
     "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime
     candidate for a kidney stone."
     "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just
     by looking at him."
     "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you
     when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had
     to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when
     you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That
     afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a
     lot of pain.' "
     "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have
     my ounce of Demerol?"
     "I better check you out first."
     "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
     "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
     examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of
     me if I didn't do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
     "What for?"
     "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I
     get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
     "I'm not going to sue you."
     "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a
     writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

57.  A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

     The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his
     pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In
     USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the
     world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
     Ukraine.  And we have so much of it, that we can just throw
     it away..."   Saying that, he opened the window and throws
     the rest of the bottle through it.  All the others were
     quite impressed.

     The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights
     it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best
     cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many
     and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can
     just throw them away...".   Saying that, he throws the pack
     of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is
     quite impressed.  At this time, the American just stands up,
     opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

58.  A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a
     butcher shop and steals a roast.  The butcher goes to
     lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals
     a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
     payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer
     answers,  "Absolutely."

     "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a
     roast from me today."

     The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

     Several days later -- it could be the next day but that
     would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds
     an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

59.  Q:   How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
     A1:  It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to
          his light bulb.
     A2:  You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
          Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light
          bulb...
     A3:  Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
          "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known
          as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a
          transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light
          Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
          result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
          duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
          illumination of the area ranging from the front (north)
          door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
          inside the primary living area, demarcated by the
          beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at
          the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
          and not required by the aforementioned agreement
          between the parties.

          The aforementioned removal transaction shall include,
          but not be limited to, the following steps:

           1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with
               or without elevation at his option, by means of a
               chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
               elevation, grasp the party of the second part
               (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second
               part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
               direction, this point being non-negotiable.
           2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the
               second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from
               the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
               party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
               option of disposing of the party of the second
               part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
               applicable state, local and federal statutes.
           3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved,
               the party of  the first part (Lawyer) shall have
               the option of beginning installation of the party
               of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This
               installation shall occur in a manner consistent
               with the reverse of the procedures described in
               step one of this self-same document, being careful
               to note that the rotation should occur in a
               clockwise direction, this point also being non-
               negotiable.

          NOTE:  The above described steps may be performed, at
          the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by
          any or all persons authorized by him, the objective
          being to produce the most possible revenue for the
          party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

60.  WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
     ***********************************************

     1300.01   GENERAL

     1.   Any person with a valid Washington State hunting
          license may harvest attorneys.

     2.   Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
          permitted.  The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

     3.   Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
          accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside
          and proceed to nearest car wash.

     4.   It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
          from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

     5.   It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance",
          or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping
          attorneys.

     6.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards
          of BMW dealerships.

     7.   It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100
          bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract
          attorneys.

     8.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards
          of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas,
          gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

     9.   If an attorney is elected to government office, it
          shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

   10.    Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
          department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

   11.    It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as
          a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk,
          sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for
          the purpose of hunting attorneys.

     BAG LIMITS

      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                    2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                        1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator              4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)     3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                          2
      6.  Honest Attorney                              EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                   2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                         2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                     2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender                 $100BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                7

61.  The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter
     is listing his sins:
     1)   Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where
          he knew they were guilty.
     2)   Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the
          fee was high.
     3)   Overcharging fees to many clients.
     4)   Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was
          needed in a controversial case.

     And the list goes on for quite awhile.

     The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits
     all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity
     in my life also."  St. Peter looks in his book and
     says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and
     once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
     correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and
     replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and
     says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."