From: sidney@picard.med.ge.com (W. T. Sidney MFG Project Eng. X46324)
Subject: Re: *** Offensive Limericks ***
Organization: GE Medical Systems, Magnetic Resonance
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL6]
Distribution: usa
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 20:13:00 GMT


Here is my list that I've been using as fortunes.


Opinions are like assholes -- everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at
the other guy's.
%%
Do something big -- fuck a giant
%%
God is an atheist
%%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He checkled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%%
Chaste makes waste.
%%
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
%%
God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
%%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%%
I came, I saw, I fucked up.
%%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%%
Getting an education at the University of California is like 
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%%
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual need of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
%%
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made
for man -- who has no gills.
%%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 
the country was hopelessly trapped.
%%
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hpocrites,
whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are 
pleased to call "war" and "commerce".  These, also, are the principal
industries of the Orient.
%%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
scares the shit out of me.
%%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion
--  i.e. none to speak of.
%%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke 
And finished her off in mid-air
%%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
%%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call.
%%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
which to some may seem rabelaisian;
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
Let V over P be inverted 
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V...
The result, Q.E.D.
Is a relative!"
%%
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%%
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was alway jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%%
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
%%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin.
A virgin namce Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin!"
%%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!.
%%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
%%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%%
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
%%
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because  all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%%
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%%
A pretty young maiden from France 
Decided she'd "just take a chance"
She let herself go 
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUO's, and a 
warm place to SHIFT.
%%
Hackers know all the right MOV's.
%%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%%
Statisticians probably do it.
%%
Statisticians do it with 90% confidence.
%%
Physicists do it with charm.
%%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%%
Communists do it without class.
%%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%%
God gives us relatives, thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%%
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section and all.
%%
Missionary Position: The missionary on top.
%%
O'Riordan's Theorem:

     Brains x Beauty = Constant
%%
Purmal's Corollary:

     As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity 
     availablity goes to zero.
%%
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vigina with glue.
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
%%
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
%%
Q: How may Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.
%%
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
   ...Seats 500
%%
Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your 
backyard?

A: All your trashcan liners are missing...
%%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%%
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed inter-state
commerce.     --  J. Edgar Hoover
%%
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can safely be 
called a liberal.
%%
God must love assholes --  He made so many of them.
%%
An army travels on her stomach.
%%
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw.   -- W. C. Fields 
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way Number 27:  Use an electric sander.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way Number 32:  Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
%%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way Number 15:  Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
%%
Q:  How do you tell if you are making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher
    or an airline stewardess?

A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."

    A schoolteacher says:  "We're going to have to do this over and over
                            again until we get it right."

    An airline stewardess says:  "Just hold this over you nose and mouth
                                  and breath normally."
%%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%%
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?

A: ...A fur coat.
%%
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came)
%%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%%
  there once was a poor man named Crocket
     who's balls got caught in a socket
          his wife was a bitch....
      so she cranked on the switch
    and Crocket took off like a rocket!

--
-=Sid=-
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes