Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Re:  Father Fixation
From: jabolliger@miavx3.mid.muohio.edu
Date: 30 Jul 92 16:24:04 EST
Distribution: world,local

In article <157k6cINN1l0@agate.berkeley.edu>, sandell@chowning.CNMAT.Berkeley.EDU (Gregory J. Sandell) writes:
> In article <1992Jul29.233824.1450@ultra.com> rajiv@ultra.com (Rajiv  
> Dhingra) writes:
>> 
>> One of the main problems that I have with my wife is her  "father
>> fixation".  Let me explain.  My wife is extremely attached to her
>> father.   During  her  addoloscent  years  she  never    rebelled
>> against  her  parents.   To  this day she never has had any argu-
>> ments with him.  Daddy is always right.
> 
> I don't feel that I have a whole lot to offer you, but I would confirm  
> what you and your friends think, that it is your wife and her father who  
> are overstepping the bounds of marital propriety.

Gentlemen;  so far this discussion has been in the men's room, so what I
am doing is adding a little female perspective.
Reminder:  What seems to be bothering Rajiv is his wife has a strong relation
ship with her father.  One gets the impression that he wants to be "fixated 
upon, or attached to himself.  I do not agree with Greg's comfirmation that Rajiv's
wife's, father is over stepping the bounds of marital propriety.  How can
one reach this conclusion given we have heard only one side of this story?  
> 
> There is nothing wrong at all with having a strong bond with your parents,  
> and i do not think that having grown up with the experience of a  
> "generation gap" in your family is at all a requirement for being  
> "normal."  However, i do find that an important aspect of compatability is  
> that a couple have a similar orientation to their parents: 
> I had a girlfriend for some years who said she could never live anywhere  
> that was more than a day's drive from her parents.  This caused difficulty  
> since I hoped to do a lot of moving around, and not stay in New York state  

I can certainly empathize with Greg's, what I assume to be ex, girlfreinds
position.  Even though I do not live close to my parents, I still
would not take kindly to my significant other expecting me to move around
(which is its own kind of lifestyle) for his career.  I could be wrong
but I get the impression that my two predecessors in this conversation
think wife following husband is a given.

> all my life.  But another reason was that since I'm one of these people  
> who grew up in spite of his parents, i feel no such obligation to tie  
> myself to home, and I couldn't relate to that.  My wife comes from a  
> divorced family ... we live in a parent-free lifestyle.
> 
> So I'd say you have a conflict that you and your wife will need to spend  
> some time working on, and it sounds like it's going to take a little more
> understanding than she's willing to show right now.  But it certainly does  

Whose understanding is needed here?  I contend the problem is not how close
wife is to daddy.  I contend it is who has the power.  At the moment Rajiv
thinks it's daddy...  I doubt it.  My hypothesis is this, that if wife's
daddy keeled over from a heart attack this moment, dad would still come between
Rajiv and wife.  I don't think the problem is small, my opinion of course,
but methinks in this marriage if it wasn't daddy, it would be something else;
child care, which Rajiv already mentions, money, geographical local, etc...

> not seem like an insurmountable problem...there are far worse kinds of  
> incompatabilities that can mar a relationship.
> Greg Sandell

 advice?  
 you are unhappy with this marriage?  
 she unhappy with this marriage?
 Want to stay married?
 highe thee to a marriage counselor
			Jean Ann Bolliger
Newsgroups: soc.couples