From: hinz@picard.med.ge.com (David Hinz Mfg 4-6987)
Subject: Re: Net.idiots v1.2
Organization: GE Medical Systems, Magnetic Resonance
X-Newsreader: Tin 1.1 PL5
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 92 06:37:10 GMT

Grig Larson (walrus@bessel.umd.edu) wrote:
: Here at Punkadyne Laboratories and Archives ("Where 'Get a life' takes on a
: whole new meaning..."), we have been researching the net.idiots for over
: a year.  Many of them could be cured simply by the following file.  Then
: again, with some of them it's a wonder they can type at all.  
: 
: In cases of severe net.idiocy, we suggest you save this file, and reply
: via private post (public post for severe infestations only) with this
: file.  It will save you a cumbersome flame, and maybe the net.idiot will
: learn a thing or two.
: 
: 
: MINOR GRAMMAR LESSON  (you should have learned this in 4th grade):
: ------------
: 
: Your: Possesive               "Your manners are common usually only to
:                                babboons."
: You're: Contraction of        "You're a total incontinent moron."
:         "You are"
: Yor: Hunter of the Future     "Yor say, 'Eat meat of enemies, it make 
:                                you strong!'"
: ------------
: It's: Contraction of "It is"  "It's amazing that you have a brain at all."
: 
: Its: Possesive                "Your continued anal retentiveness may cause
:                                your computer to dump its core."
: ------------
: To: Preposition               "To call you an idiot would be insulting to
:                                idiots."
: Too: adverb meaning "very"    "You are too stupid for idiots, too."
:      or "as well"          
: Two: The number 2             "It would take two of you to make one idiot."
: ------------
: 
: 
: POSSESSIVES:
: ------------
: 
: No apostrope if it is         "The postmasters said to give up your access."
: NOT a possevive.
: 
: An apostrophe if it           "Your postmaster's patience with you ran out."
: is really a possessive
: 
: Note change in apostrophe     "All the users' decisions agreed on one point:
: location for multiple          You should give up computing all together."
: possessives
: 
: You can also use an           "The postmaster's pretty pissed at you."
: apostrophe as a contraction
: of "is"
: ------------
: Loose:  not tight or          "Loosely speaking, you are an idiot on
:         rampantly mobile       the loose."
: 
: Lose:  opposite of "win"      "You are a complete loser."
: 
: 
: 
: 
: MANY ANNOYING NET.HABITS
: -------------
: 
: One of the first things that a lot of idiots for get is the "return" key or the "enter" key.  This causes an annying wraparound effect that screws up many scrolling utilities.
: 
: 
: I think that this message is STUPID!  I hope this poster would die for taking
: up my time with his annoying correct grammar drills.  Who the fuck does he 
: think he is anyway?  He tells me to use the "kill" function, but I am way too
: stupid to even think about using anything, including the "next" fuction.  
: Complaining is my way to show the world that I live in a bubble of my own self-
: pity and have no concept of people outside myself.
: 
: >>>>>> Cascades are really annoying
: >>>>> Kool-aid bars are for toying
: >>>> Drooling bears are ploying
: >>> Cooling cars are going
: >> Fooling around unknowing
: > Posting without IQ showing
: Rhyming abused and growing
: 
: Never
: 
: use
: 
: too
: 
: many
: 
: control L breaks
: ^L
: And always know which one works.
: 
: Try 2 not uze 2 many cute contractions.  This makes U l00k like a 13yr-old BBS
: geek. & nevr uze phrases like "Metalica R00lz!" "CUL8R d00d" or "UR so
: stupit."
: 
: KEEP YOUR .SIGS REASONABLY SHORT
: ----------
: 
: ___________________________________________________________________________
: |#########################################################################|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#|   *****  *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *****                |#|
: |#|     *    *    *  *        ** **  *      *      *   *                |#|
: |#|     *    ******  ***      * * *  ***    *  **  *****   *****        |#|
: |#|     *    *    *  *        *   *  *      *   *  *   *                |#|
: |#|     *    *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *   *                |#|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#|   ****   *****  *****         *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
: |#|   *  **    *    *             *        *    *        *      *   *   |#|
: |#|   ****     *    *  **         *****    *    *  **    *      *   *   |#|
: |#|   *  **    *    *   *     **      *    *    *   *    *      *   *   |#|
: |#|   ****   *****  *****     **  *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#|            T-H-E  M-E-G-A  B-I-G  .S-I-G  C-O-M-P-A-N-Y             |#|
: |#|                  ~-----------------------------~                    |#|
: |#|  "Annoying people with huge net.signatures for over 20 years..."    |#|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#|---------------------------------------------------------------------|#|
: |#| "The difference between a net.idiot and a bucket of shit is that at |#|
: |#|  least a bucket can be emptied.  Let me further illustrate my point |#|
: |#|  by comparing these charts here. (pulls out charts)  Here we have a |#|
: |#|  user who not only flames people who don't agree with his narrow-   |#|
: |#|  minded drivel, but he has this huge signature that takes up many   |#|
: |#|  pages with useless quotes.  This also makes reading his frequented |#|
: |#|  newsgroups a torture akin to having at 300 baud modem on a VAX. I  |#|
: |#|  might also add that his contribution to society rivals only toxic  |#|
: |#|  dump sites."                                                       |#|
: |#|                     -- Robert A. Dumpstik, Jr                       |#|
: |#|                        President of The Mega Big Sig Company        |#|
: |#|                        September 13th, 1990 at 4:15pm               |#|
: |#|                        During his speech at the "Net.abusers        |#|
: |#|                        Society Luncheon" during the                 |#|
: |#|                        "1990 Net.idiots Annual Convention"          |#|
: |#|_____________________________________________________________________|#|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#| Thomas Babbit, III: 5th Assistant to the Vice President of Sales    |#|
: |#|      __                                                             |#|
: |#|  ==========    ______             Digital Widget Manufacturing Co.  |#|
: |#|         \\     /                  1147 Complex Incorporated Drive   |#|
: |#|        )-=======                  Suite 215                         |#|
: |#|                                   Nostromo, VA 22550-1147           |#|
: |#| #NC-17 Enterpoop Ship :)          Phone # 804-844-2525              |#|
: |#|    ----------------               Fax # 804-411-1115                |#|
: |#| "Shut up, Wesley!"                Online Service # 804-411-1100     |#|
: |#|                  -- Me            at 300-2400, and now 9600 baud!   |#|
: |#|                                   PUNet: tbabb!digwig!nostromo      |#|
: |#| Home address:                     InterNet: dvader@imperial.emp.com |#|
: |#| Thomas Babbit, III                Prodigy: Still awaiting author-   |#|
: |#| 104 Luzyer Way                             ization                  |#|
: |#| Sulaco, VA 22545                  "Manufacturing educational widget |#|
: |#| Phone # 804-555-1524               design for over 3 years..."      |#|
: |#|=====================================================================|#|
: |#|                                                                     |#|
: |#|  Introducing:                                                       |#|
: |#|                                 ______                              |#|
: |#|  The  |\  /|                         /                              |#|
: |#|       | \/ |                        /                               |#|
: |#|       |    |                       /                                |#|
: |#|       |    |                      /                                 |#|
: |#|       |    | ETELHED             /_____ ONE                         |#|
: |#|'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'|#|
: |#| 50Megs Online!  The k00l BBS for rad teens!  Lots of games and many |#|
: |#| bases for kul topix!  Call now and be validated to the Metelhed Zone|#|
: |#|                      -- 804-555-8500 --                             |#|
: |#|\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\V/////////////////////////////////////|#|
: |#| "This is the end, my friend..."      -- The Doors                   |#|
: |#########################################################################|
: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Hit "b" to continue
: 
: Hahahha... fooled u!
:  
: 
: 
: 
: SOMETIMES, IDIOTS WHO ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY WILL LEAVE THE ALL CAPS KEY ON
: AND GIVE YOU HEADACHES, BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF OUR BRAINS, OTHER
: NET.USERS THINK THAT ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING AT US.
: 
: similarily we can get headaches from idiots who dont believe in punctuation
: and sometimes leave out words that important to understand phrase makes it
: very hard to understand we have read it over and over times to do so and 
: sometimes the sentence loses a lot meaning and gibberish orange bucket of
: plaster sometime it is that way i dont think they capitalize much there for
: it to when so and then some
: 
:                                                                Try to
:                                                                avoid
:                                                                unneccessary
:                                                                spaces
: 
:                                                                or tabs.
: 
: Not all of us are at 9600 baud, you know.
: 
: 
: Crossposting fanatics.  Stop.  I have seen lines like:
: 
: Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.besiality,rec.tv.simpsons.maggie.suck.suck.suck,
: rec.soc.wicca,alt.tv.melrose.place,comp.usa.unix.programmers,rec.humor,
: rec.humor.gag,rec.humor.lemme.post.that.dyslexic.agnostic.joke.again,
: gay.vollyball,alt.satanism,alt.I.think.Im.evil.but.Im.just.a.geek,rec.dot.
: dot,rec.easily.offended.newsgroups,rec.dot.etc
: 
: Also, FAQ means "Frequently Asked Questions."  Try to read one if one is
: available for a group to avoid looking this stupid:
: 
: >Newsgroup: rec.arts.tv.startrek
: >
: >In message 921111.023556 bmoose@whatsamattaU.edu (Bullwinkle Moose) says:
: >
: >   Duh, like that Dr. Spock guy.  Why does he have pointy ears?  And has
: >anyone noticed that the guy who plays Captain Cerk is not a very good
: >actor?  And is that a toupee?
: 
: 
: FLAMING:
: --------
: 
: Do not flame:
: --------
: media trivia:
: 
: >In message 921111032241 cforrester@gizmonic.com (Dr. Clayton Forrester) says:
: >
: >to think that.  I would think that the main reason Data said that to LaForge
: >is to hurry the plot line along.  I mean, not that it matters, but that's
: >what I thought they meant.
: 
: How fucking DARE you think that?  What kind of ignoramous are you?  You are
: so fucking stupid!  The Star Trek writers spend at least 2 months on each
: episode.  They go into infallable scientific detail, and you, Mr Smartypants,
: (oh, excuse me *Dr.* Smartypants) has to give us airs and try and use the
: old line "It's just a TV show."  I have heard people say that so much, my
: fist hurts by the end of the day from punching so many people.  It's not
: *just* a TV show, but a guru of programming!  I even step out of my parent's
: basement to watch it on their color TV!  This show is much more sophisticated
: than you could ever fathom.  There is no such thing as a "plot advance" or
: whatever you neandrathall of a loser think it was.  It was a hidden message
:        [example shortened by eight pages for sake of morals]
: 
: 
: someone else's flame:
: 
: >In message 920101121542 acapone@chistate.edu (Allan Capone) says:
: >
: >You filthy skum-sucking worm-snorting flaming homo of a flea's rectum. I
: >wish you would eat shit and die!
: 
: Me?  Well, you are the necrosadobeastialalistic example of a white-out
: sniffing pimp for diseased girls.  You are so ugly, if Satan himself saw
: you, he would throw up just so he could bury his face into the vomit. How
: dare you insult me, you urine bank for a mouth, uncouth, rabid foaming
: elephant bile.
:      [notice how the actual arguement topic is not mentioned...]
: 
: 
: occasional spelling or grammar errors:
: 
: >In message 9021090125 mghandi@fr.id (M. Ghandi) says:
: >
: >but if we can all live in paece, I think the world would be a better place.
:                            ^^^^^
: 
: Paece?  What the fuck is paece?  Some Hindu dish with too much curry?  It's
: faggots like you who make this world a communist cesspool by spreading
: misspelled garbage to weaken the minds of us anal-retentive war-lovers.
: 
: 
: 
: STAY ON THE SUBJECT
: ------------
: Stay on the newsgroup or thread topic as much as possible:
: 
: Newsgroup: rec.pets.bunnies
: 
: >In message 66611125285 bfru@fairy.com (Bunny Fru) says:
: >
: >I think it is just cute the way they nibble on cabbage.  It's like their
: >nose is part of the chewing!
: 
: Yeah, that reminds me of something my cat did once. He was walking across
: the road when he nearly got hit by a car.  It was one of those LeCars, like
: from 1982.  It was red, and policemen know that red cars usually travel fast
: and so the get more tickets.  I think it's unfair, but that's the sort of
: Nazi tactics the police use here in new Jersey.  That and the pollution.
: Pollution here is awful, I mean you cant even see, and cleaning you windows
: would be impossible without some borax and vinegar.  I just add 2 parts 
: vinegar to one part borax, and it works great without streaking.  My wife
: likes it when I clean, so that sort of flip-flops out roles in the marraige:
: I do the cleaning, and she works late hours.  I think the boss is trying to
: come onto her, but she's strong since she read Dianetics.  Say what you will
: about that book, but it works great!  I don't think I am a space alien for
: reading one, but if there is intelligent life out there, I bet you they
: would avoid us.  We are too warlike.  I mean, can you believe Desert Storm?
:            [six long and rambling paragraphs destroyed]
: So then I said it would be too much money for just one operation, but that
: insurance covered it with no problem.  Boy was relived!  Like when you 
: finally poop after holding it too long.  But what a mess! I found the best
:            [ten more paragraphs deleted for sake of brevity]
: until the name "Mauldling" is almost totally obscured?
: 
: I mean, would you do that with a giraffe in a crowded elevator?
: 
: -------------
: Don't forget the "I'll-be-the-first-one-to-think-of-something-obvious" 
: user:
: 
: Message 1:
: 
: I hate events in which you have to wear a badge.
: 
: Message 2:
: Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
: 
: Message 3:
: 
: Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
: 
: Message 4:
: 
: badges we dont need no stupid badges
: 
: Message 5:
: 
: >badges we dont need no stupid badges
:                         ^^^^^^
: 
: I think it's "stinkin'"
: 
: Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!
: 
: Message 6:
: 
: >badges we dont need no stupid badges
:                         ^^^^^^
: 
: its stinking, you total stupid poopoo head
: 
: badges we dont need no stinking badges
: 
: ...
: 
: Message 425:
: 
: Hey!  I just started reading this group!
: 
: Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges?
: 
: (Say, why do they tell you to read these groups for a while before posting, 
: anyway?)
: 
: -------------
: Are you Mr. Politically Correct?  Try to realize that you are not so
: important, that we actually care enough to purposely insult you:
: 
: > In message 920205.125355 ssmalley@anal.retentive.edu (Stuart Smalley)
: >
: >"Please do not refer to me as a man, as that is a sexist label.  I'm vaginally 
: >challenged..."
: 
: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
: 
: This list is still growing.  Send your gripes too:
:  
:                      +---------------------------+
:                      |    This .sig has been     |
:                      |    temporarily removed    |
:                      |        for study.         |
:                      +---------------------------+
: (c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu

You forgot to mention when people follow up to a several page article with one
or two lines of comment.

--

Dave Hinz  -  Opinions expressed are mine, not my employer's.  Obviously.
hinzd@picard.med.ge.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d,alt.censorship