From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #111
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Summary: Toxic Custard: The Next Generation
Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1992 07:58:33 GMT


 ///////// ////// ///     /// //////// /// /// /// Toxic Custard Workshop Files
   ///   ///     ///     /// ///      /// /// ///  Number 111- 31st August 1992
  ///   ///     /// /// /// ///////  /// /// ///   by Daniel Bowen_______
 ///   ///     /// /// /// ///      /// /// ///_______________________
///    ////// /////////// ///      /// /// ///_______________________________

Due to the current economic climate, it has become necessary for Toxic        A
Custard Megaproductions Ltd to perform an overview of its performance.
To remain profitable, all facets of TCWF operations will need to be           g
rationalised. We must emphasise that this will in no way affect the           r
humorous service provided to the general reading public. Careful              e
examination has revealed that the signature file plays a largely              a
useless role, and that the plug for back-issues could be revamped to          t
make it leaner, to not use up so many lines. In fact, a trial period of
a merged plug and signature will take place for the next two weeks. The       m
weekly TCWF heading could be economised, with a line saving of at least       a
40%, and the blank lines between items will need to be looked at very         n
carefully to see if they are of benefit.
                                                                              o
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                                                                              c
GULF NEWS                                                                     e
    Following the Allied plan to impose a new restriction on Iraqi
air-force operations, Iraqi aircraft are now limited to flying between        s
the 32nd and 36th parallels, leaving them only four degrees to fly in.        a
This is to stop them giving the Kurds and Shi-ites the third degree.          i
    An even newer draft plan, drafted and planned by Generals                 d
Eagleburger and Fries at the Pentagon, would further limit Iraqi air          ,
operations. The generals conceived this completely brilliant plan
whilst standing at the newly opened Pentagon urinal, the Pentagonal.          "
Under the plan, in addition to having to stay south of the 36th               L
parallel, and north of the 32nd parallel, the Iraqi scumsucking fly-die       i
bastards would also have to fly only between the 44th and 45th (east)         f
parallels on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and between the 43rd and        e
44th (east) parallels on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends. Also, south
of the 33rd parallel would be out of bounds on all days with Rs in            i
them. Only pilots with beards may fly on Wednesdays and Fridays. And          s
all planes must be painted with big targets on each side, and have
"Shoot me!" stickers on the back.                                             a
    "This", says General Eagleburger, "will annoy the shit outta that
God'damned Saddam no end, which after all is the major objective. We          b
want to make him real angry, so he's off his guard on the toilet and          u
then our lavatorial explosives experts can... oh, err, I'm not meant to       n
talk about that."                                                             c
    General Fries would only add that he thought that whoever named the       h
capital of Kuwait as Kuwait City could have been more original.
                                                                              o
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THE DENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE CASE OF THE SPOCKLED BOND  Part Three           t
                                                                              h
    Popsicle, having almost recovered in hospital from the last               i
episode, was back on the streets, which was good for the honest               n
citizens, and bad for all the nasty people out there.                         g
    Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was also out on the streets, which         s
was pretty bad for everyone. He was pretty angry, but then, he almost
always was. He was just an angry sort of person. He had been known to         t
strangle automatic teller machines when they had told him he couldn't         h
withdraw an amount such as $47.32. It's pretty hard to strangle an ATM,       a
but the Inspector had been *that* angry, that he'd managed it. But            t
today he was angrier. Not at quite his angriest, but nevertheless quite
angry. Angry enough, in fact, that you wouldn't want to so much as            l
consider thinking about looking in his direction. Not that that was a         e
problem for the average citizen walking along the street, who, though         a
they were as honest as Mother Teresa, would still avert their eyes            d
whenever a police car drove past. Anyway, the Inspector was quite
especially angry today because... umm... Oh well, he didn't need a            t
reason. He was just angry, that's all. That's about all I wanted to get       o
across in this paragraph, so we'll move right along with the plot, such
that there is.                                                                o
    Popsicle was determined to discover which dastardly bastard had           t
been behind his predicament in the previous episode. So he and the            h
Inspector went to see an old informer of his, who, he thought, would          e
coincidentally be able to provide all the vital information after only        r
a few threats of violence. Not only would this speed up everything, but
the author would be able to get to the good bit with the villain              t
without going through the rigmarole of finding clues and forensic stuff       h
and all that crap. After all, what makes a good detective story? Is it        i
the careful consideration of all the tiniest clues by some smart-arse         n
in a deerstalker? No, it's action. It's car chases and gun fights and         g
threatening informers, isn't it. Yes, it is.                                  s
    Popsicle's informant was none other than Joe Sleazebag, a down and        .
out former flared trousered backing singer with some non-entity 70's          "
singer who probably still rated quite highly on the "Middle-Aged
Crimplene Brigade Easy Listening Hottest Guy Survey" listings. Joe was        W
down and out, and consequently lived in a non-furnished basement              h
apartment unit that didn't have a roof, or to put it another way, a           a
hole. Joe was tough, in the way that a piece of putrid rotting                t
lamb-cutlet that's been sitting in the bottom of the barbecue since the
last pool party four months ago is tough. He was tough, smelly, and had       w
loads of insects crawling all over him.                                       o
    But that didn't stop Inspector Unnecessary-Violence grabbing Joe by       r
what was left of his collars and shaking him up and down so much that         d
his used condom collection fell out and scattered all over his old            s
newspaper. The Inspector spoke: "Okay scum!!! Listen, prick!! Just
listen!! Don't say a word back!! Just listen! I want you to be                o
absolutely quiet and still while my mate here has a word with you. I          f
don't want a sound!! Not one little tiny syllable until we're gone,
okay!?"                                                                       t
    "Sure", Joe said, rubbing his eyes as he woke up.                         r
    "Oh!!", added the Inspector. "That doesn't really apply to any            u
information you might think of as relevant to the case we're on at the        t
moment that you want to give us, okay fuckwit?!"                              h
    "Sure", Joe repeated, glancing down to see how far off the ground
his feet were.                                                                i
    "Hello, Joe", said Popsicle. "I'm wondering if you can help me."          n
Popsicle briefly explained the situation, what had happened, and the          d
Raymondian school of thinking on individualism, only embellishing             e
slightly his own role in the proceedings to make him sound more tough         e
and world-weary.                                                              d
    Joe thought for several seconds before giving them a name. Not the        .
name he had in his mind for Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, which
involved illegal sexual practices with small animals and scuba-gear.
But the name of the villain of the piece. A man so ruthless, so evil
and generally naughty, that his identity would have to wait until the
next episode to be revealed. Bummer, eh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,\ That was another Toxic Custard. If you'd like
Melbourne, Australia------------/ to subscribe, and let's face it, only
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----\ a monolothic sludgeball masochist would,
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu