From: dem@cs.princeton.edu (Doron Meyer)
Subject: Re: Tips for coming out to friends?
Originator: news@nimaster
Organization: Princeton University
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 22:43:44 GMT

In article <1993Jan25.184923.7160@osf.org> coren@speed.osf.org (Robert Coren) writes:
>In article <1993Jan25.001637.19673@reed.edu>, nelson@reed.edu (Nelson Minar) writes:
>> 
>> [our story so far - Doron asked for advice on how to come out, nervous
>> about what could go wrong, how his friends would react. Arne wrote
>> back saying "why is it such a big deal? Coming out is easy. It should be."]

>> Well, actually, I think coming out *is* a big deal. I don't think that
>> Arne was necessarily being insensitive, but he was broadcasting his
>> own worldview to others.

I didn't mean to say that he was, only that I at first thought
that he was.  I really appreciate Arne's response.

>> Coming out means so many things. It means being self-assured enough
>> that you can say "I'm gay" to people and not flinch, not experience a
>> worry about "gad, I'm a pervert". It means being willing to tell
>> people what you are, even if they might not like it. It means changing
>> existing friendships, possibly risking them. None of these are small
>> things.

Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to come out to the whole school.
It simply would be hell.. I'm living in enemy territory so to
speak, among tons of reactionaries who are bigots not because
they believe it so much rather than because they think it
makes them 'cool.'  A bunch of teenage boys trying to outdo
each other, with an easy target, living with them 24 hours a day..
no, this isn't a good place to come out.  I just need
to tell a few close friends.  I'm sick of hiding it from them.

>> It's nice if you can stop thinking about coming out to people as a
>> "big deal". But that takes time, and experience, and lots of work.
>> Personally, I don't know if I'll ever get there.
>
>Nelson speaks wisely here, and helpfully, from a perspective near in
>age to Doron, and not that far removed in situation. I'll try to add
>another perspective, which I hope Doron (and anybody else in a similar
>situation) will find helpful.

I did find it very helpful.  I've gotten lots of great advice.

>[great advice deleted for sake of brevity]

>Which is not to say that, the first few times you do this, your
>stomach won't churn or your hands tremble. But it defuses some of the
>emotional intensity that comes from conversations that start with,
>"I've got something real important [read: threatening] to tell you."

I can agree that coming out casually is much better, but it
somehow seems fake with close friends that you've been deceiving
for however long.

>[more great advice]

>Another approach, if you're unfortunate enough to be in an applicable
>situation, is not to let homophobic jokes or remarks pass. This is a
>good idea anyway, but it's often hardest for closeted gay people. If
>the offender, when challenged, says, "What's it to you?" or, even,
>"what, are you queer or something?" you have to be ready.

Ready to do what?  I'm not asking this rhetorically; I honestly
don't know what to do.  In fact, I've become more leery
of challenging homophobic jokes and anti-equal-rights discussions
recently (and believe me, I hear them practically every day) for
exactly this reason.  What am I going to do if they ask if I'm
gay?  Before, when I was lying to myself, I could always retreat
to the famous, "Oh, but *I'm* not gay," read as, "Leave
the fucking faggots alone, but thank God I'm not one of them."
Now I don't know what I'd do.  I'm certainly not going to out
myself to the whole school.. so what do I do?  Lie?  That's
not me, and I can't do it convincingly.

>> You've got an amazing sense of perspective. But if it feels like the
>> world is being flipped on its ear, well, it is being flipped on its
>> ear. You can't suddenly decide "OK, I'm not going to feel like this is
>> a big deal" - that peace takes time. You can say "this is a major
>> upheavel but I'm going to survive it."

>> Nelson, pretending to be wise.

>Pretty convincingly, I'd say.

I would agree wholeheartedly.

Doron (trying to tie together the multiple branches of this thread.)
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