From: lccs1011@blurt.oswego.edu
Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Subject: Re: MASONS (again)
Summary: masons
Date: 10 Nov 92 20:29:37 GMT
Organization: SUNY College at Oswego, Oswego, NY

In article <BxHupF.5uA@cck.coventry.ac.uk>, csg188@cch.coventry.ac.uk (MR X) writes:
> 
> 	* FREEMASONS NEWS *
> 
> So far, the following people have applied...
> 
> (Do not reveal these names to any one or your throat will be cut... etc.)
> 
> RODENHEISER@ca.del.chem.chem1
> BROM@au.edu.monash.cc.yoyo (who applied twice!)
> V133JU6P@edu.buffalo.cc.ubvms
> GOFFGB@BITNET.wkuvx1 (you say you applied already - but i didn't recieve it)
> SPROONEY@ie.tcd.unix1
> 
> This is still not enough... we need more.
> 
> Closing date for applications is FRI 13th Nov (thats 1992 ok) at 12.07pm.
> 				 ^^^^^^ (oo err)
> 
> We will be announcing who has been accepted (and who hasn't) on Monday.
> 
> 
> 		MR 'X'.
> 
> 
> I suppose I might as well include the letter again....
> 
> ============================================================================
> 
> 
> 
> The Coventry branch of the grand lodge of free-masons would like to recruit 
> new members from the alt.fan.monty-python newsgroup.
> 
> We are the largest masonic society in the world with over 5 million 
> members worldwide. Joining us, will give you power, money and influence.
> For instance:
> 
> 	-87.56% of Unversity lecturers are masons - so a quick masonic
> 		handshake will get you a first class degree with no work.
> 	-81.23% of police officers and 92.8% of judges are masons, so you
> 		can commit any crime and get away with it.
> 	-93.567% of company bosses are masons, so you will soon rise to the
> 		top in your choosen career.
> 
> We hold regular lodge meetings, where you can take part in many activities,
> such as:
> 
> 	-Wearing Aprons
> 	-Showing each other your left nipples
> 	-Rolling up your trouser legs
> 	-Chanting strange rituals in a silly high pitched squeal
> 	-Strange handshakes
> 	-Silly walks
> 	-Perverse sexual acts (e.g. rubbing lemon curry on your naughty bits)
> 	-Corrupt business deals with other masons
> 
> There are only two rules on becoming a mason:
> 
> 1) That you wear an apron and roll up your trouser leg
> 2) That you will never reveal anything about the masons activities to
>    'normal' people.
> 3) That you will help out other masons in any way you can.
> 
> 	Sorry three rules.
> 
> Any masons who breaks the two.. sorry three rules will have their eyes torn
> out, their throat cut from side to side and their liver removed with a blunt
> instrument.
> 
> If you are intrested then complete the application form below.
> 
> ==================== Cut here ================================================
> 
> 		APPLICATION FORM
> 
> 1) E-MAIL NAME 
     lccs1011@blurt.oswego.edu
> 2) REAL NAME
     Ray Warner (the 'skwish dude)
> 3) ADDRESS
     236 Riggs Hall, SUNYCO, Oswego, NY 13126
> 4) TELEPHONE NUMBER
     (315)-341-2586
> 5) DATE OF BIRTH
     May 19, 1973
> 6) WHAT COURSE YOU ARE STUDYING?
     Russian and Spamish
> 7) DO YOU HAVE AN APRON?
     Of course not, you silly king!
> 8) IF YES TO 7 - WHAT COLOUR IS IT?
     Non-existant color
> 9) CAN YOU CHANT IN A SILLY HIGH PITCHED WHINE?
     In Michael Jackson style? Of course!
> 10) DO YOU HAVE A SILLY WALK?
      Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods?
> 11) IF YES TO 10 - PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR SILLY WALK.
      Extremely silly
> 12) DO YOU HAVE ANY POSITION OF POWER?
      Several of them.
> 13) BANK BLANCE?
      No, my bank does not blance.
> 14) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE GRILLO SNACK BAR IN PAIGNTON?
      Oh, yes sir!
> 15) IF YES TO 14 - WHAT DID YOU EAT THERE?
      Spam, spam, spam, spam, bloody vikings, spam and spam.
> 16) ARE YOU A VIRGIN? (HONEST AWNSER PLEASE!)
      Was Ayatollah Khomeini Catholic? Does Dan Quayle have a brain?
> 17) IF NO TO 16 - WHERE, WHEN AND WITH WHOM?
      Always, everywhere, and with everyone (esp. Meredith)
> 18) DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS EMBARESS YOU? 
> 	(PLEASE NUMBER IN ORDER OF EMBARESSMENT)
> 	
> 	(A) THROBING
> 	(B) NAUGHTY BITS
> 	(C) THRUSTING
> 	(D) WANKLE ROTARY ENGINE
> 	(E) EXTENDED
> 	(F) F'TANG F'TANG OLE BISCUIT BARREL
> 	(G) SEMPRENI
 Nothing embarrasses me. I use these words quite frequently in everyday
conversation.

> 19) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURATE 1970,s BBC TV COMEDY SHOW STARING JOHN CLEESE,
> 	MICHAEL PALIN, ERIC IDLE, TERRY JONES, TERRY GILLIAM AND GRAHAM
> 	CHAPMAN?
      Hmmmm...might it be "Monty Python's Flying Circus"?
> 20) YOUR FANTASY?
      Jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks, or stick my nostrils together
with crazy glue.
> 21) WHAT FORM OF EXECUTION WOULD YOU PREFER?
      Free and unlimited
> 22) WHAT ARE YOUR MUSICAL TASTES?
      Weird Al, The Doors, Metallica, and Billy Joel.
> 23) COLOUR AND NUMBER OF EYES
      A duo of hazel eyes
> 24) HEIGHT
      5'8"
> 25) WEIGHT
      160lbs
> 26) WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
      A lobotomy
> 27) ARE YOU - SINGLE/MARRIED/DIVORCED?
      Engaged!
> 28) WHICH BRAND OF VAGINAL DEODRANT DO YOU BUY?
      Speed Stick! Oops, sorry, I thought you wanted underarm deodorant!
> 29) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURATE CHOCOLATE?
      Cockroach Cluster
> 30) WOULD YOU LIKE INFORMATION ON A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURENCE POLICY
> 	WITH A FREE NUDE LADY ? (OR THIRD PARTY WITH HER BRA ON)
      If it is less than $400
> 31) CAN YOU SPEAK HUNGARIAN?
      May I fondle your buttocks?
> 32) DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE BOUNCY BOUNCY?
      No, I've come to arrange a holiday.
> 33) IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEUTIFULL BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?
      Yes, very tightly
> 34) WHAT POLITICAL PARTY DO YOU SUPPORT? (IF ANY)
      Perot for President Party (the MONEY party)
> 35) WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS CRAP?
      What is the Meaning of Life?
> 
> =============================================================================
> 
> Your application will be considered by the grand lodge membership commitee
> who will imform you whether you have been accepted or not.
> 
> Some current members:
> 
> 	csg188@cch.coventry.ac.uk (the grand high wizard)
> 	jbrett@cch.coventry.ac.uk (the master of the apron)
> 	csg191@cch.coventry.ac.uk (the high priest)
> 	mbassing@cch.coventry.ac.uk (the high priestess)
> 	csg165@cch.coventry.ac.uk (lord of the desert, watcher over the
> 				masonic brotherhood, keeper of the sacred
> 				apron, owner of the magic nipple and
> 				manufacturer of lemon curry and spam)
> 	meh063@cch.coventry.ac.uk (master of the silly walk)
> 
> Finally, a meeting for new members will be held in "Bullys bar" in the
> students union at Coventry University on Friday 20th Nov at 2.15pm.
> If you can attend then please e-mail me or one of the other members as we need
> to know numbers.
> 
> 
> 		From...
> 
> 			MR 'X'.
Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python