From: dave@mutnix.apana.org.au (David Carr, Comp.Room)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Jokes
Date: 8 Oct 92 00:02:28 GMT
Organization: Model 16B resurection group


	Here are some funnies I found floting around the network
  some time ago .....

			You never know ..... They might even tickle your
						funny bone!!!!



Cats

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five
minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.  A
man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in A Chorus Line.

Mirrors

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.  Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface,
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.

Offspring

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
his house.

Low Blows

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.  One of
the figures is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men consider this to be
a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will
drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've
found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I
recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who admitted he was
wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.

Nicknames

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.  If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each
other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and
Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Toys

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they
get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated
juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails
on command.  Video games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6
"D" batteries to operate.

Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man
waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.