From: root@elektro.cmhnet.org (Charlie Smith)
Subject: Re: We are sick and tired!!
Keywords: bovine kudu impala lechwe wildebeest pronghorn bison cow
Organization: Why do you suspect that?
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 19:29:57 GMT

In article <21257@drutx.ATT.COM> car377@druhi.ATT.COM (RogersC) writes:
>In article <1992Oct8.003418.1229@elektro.cmhnet.org>, root@elektro.cmhnet.org (Charlie Smith) writes:
>> In article <1992Oct6.233620.15781@cbnewsj.cb.att.com> car377@cbnewsj.cb.att.com (charles.a.rogers) writes:
>> 
>> >I can let you have a really killer bargain on genuine Venison-B-Gon(tm)
>> >Deer Whistles.  They *really*, *really* work!  A safe and effective 
>> >ruminant deterrent for Mule Deer, White-tail, Gazelle, Kudu, Pronghorn, 
>> >Elk, Giraffe, Moose, Holstein, Jackalope, and Buffalo. Don't miss out on 
>> 
>> Heeyyy ... what about Impala, Lechwe, Sable, Bongos, and Water Buffalo?
>>            Not to mention Bison!
>> 
>> It doesn't sound to me like this *really* covers the waterfront (savanna)!
>
>Umm, I see that the AT&T Weenie Mailer (tm) couldn't deal with the font
>change in the fine print and just tossed it.  Here it is in 10-point Roman:
>
>"Note: Venison-B-Gon Deer Whistles are NOT recommended for use with Impala,
>       Lechwe, Sable, Bongos, Water Buffalo, or Bison.   Laboratory
>       results on these species are indeterminate, and the manufacturer
>       dislaims any liability for purchaser attempts to utilize this product
>       with these species."
>
>In the actual lab product testing trials, we fed all the various species
>megadoses of V-B-G Deer Whistles to test their effectiveness. The Mule Deer,
>White-tail, Gazelle, Kudu, Pronghorn, Elk, Giraffe, Moose, Holstein, Jackalope,
>and Buffalo all died, but the Impala, Lechwe, Sable, Bongo, Water Buffalo, 
>and Bison actually seemed to relish the whistles and would select 
>them over standard cattle-feed when offered a choice.   An unexpected
>side effect of V-B-G consumption was the production of unusual high-frequency 
>noises during episodes of bovine flatulence (BF).  A baffling aspect of this
>phenomenon not yet explained by researchers occurred several times during 
>these BF episodes: motorcyclists on a highway near the research facility 
>would lose control of their vehicles, veer toward the experimentation facility 
>and crash into the facility's cattle fences.  Inevitably, the make and
>model of the vehicle matched an identical profile, that of the Honda 
>Goldwing.  Further studies of these strange occurrences are under way,
>although investigators have so far been stymied in their attempts to
>explain the apparent connection between the BF and the particular motorcycle
>model.
>
>The Wildebeest experiments produced an anomaly so strange that the species 
>was intentionally omitted from the advertising AND the disclaimer.  Instead 
>of chewing and swallowing the whistles like the other ruminants, the 
>Wildebeest ejected them from its mouth at high velocities, and several lab 
>assistants were severely injured before the researchers realized what was 
>happening.  Motorcyclist with installed V-B-G whistles would be well-advised
>to keep a discreet distance between their vehicles and any Wildebeest they
>encounter.

This interesting advertising claim has been refered to our engineering 
department for further study.  Their completed engineering department 
analysis of these claims and their recommendations will be posted upon
receipt and review by our legal department.

We did note, that no testing was done on Springbok, Caribou, or Herefords.
This caused us immediate concern regarding the validity of the test 
populations.  Two other questions also were immediately apparent upon
inspection of the 10 point roman version of this marketing material:

   1.  The question of whether the Kudu, Impala, Lechwe, Sable, Bongo,
       and Water Buffalo were observed North or South of the Chobe river
       remained unanswered.  Also the Giraffe species was indeterminate,
       given the geographical proximity of other tested hoofstock one 
       assumes you were dealing with Reticulated Giraffe.  This question
       would also have applied to Springbok if it had been in the sample 
       population.

   2.  One must assume that your interesting observation that Impala, Lechwe,
       Sable, Bongo, Water Buffalo, and Bison "actually seemed to relish 
       the whistles and would select them over standard cattle-feed when 
       offered a choice" was not reviewed by your legal department.  This
       would seem to be a clear admission that use of the V-B-G would lead
       to vehicular attack and consumption by the aforementioned group of
       animals, which obviously has interesting product liability implications.
       The fact that V-B-G brings the side effect of high frequency sound
       emission during periods of BF would certainly not be regarded as a
       mitigating factor, in that the side effect of high frequency sound 
       emission during periods of BF would only occur after consumption of
       the V-B-G, and attached motorcycle, and perhaps even the associated 
       rider. The side effect of high frequency sound emission during 
       periods of BF would, however, certainly assist in locating the 
       offending animal after the fact.

>
>> >ready, before the limited supplies are all gone!  Order now and receive
>> >a free optimal radius calculator for drilling your own disks to improve
>> >cooling!
>> 
>> Does this also allow for calculation of induced air turbulence from 
>> the _edges_ of the holes in the disk that are then traveling at 
>> 2*[road speed] ??
>> 
>>     { using the previously copywrited tire-size disks that put you on  }
>>     {       the fast track (tm) for cornering like you're on rails     }
>  
>Yes.
>

The optimal radius calculator sounds like something I can't do without!  
Please advise how to obtain without having to order a V-B-G, in view of
the above described V-B-G product drawbacks.

>:-)
>Chuck Rogers
>car377@druhi.att.com

Charlie Smith   charlie@elektro.cmhnet.org  csmith@dsac.dla.mil  whois ces10
MOA# 52888, RA# 15633, DoD# 0709, AMA# 574722, Buckey Beemers 411, BK Ohio V
BMW K1100-LT, R69S, R27 and other even less worthwhile [ 2 | 3 ] wheel stuff
            {  Friends don't let friends ride Japanese bikes  }